- SfSMjtf!*' V wuVv / / CC/<. -/<- <4*_ < W* , - --- c < c< f * Ct- <- l t < 1 <- C c <^ < c\i.v At TIIKNTIC HISTORY OF THE TIMES THAT EVER HATH IIKKN PUBLISHED. BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKKK. A NEW EDITION. LON DON : I'KINTKI) Foil THOMAS TF.CCi. 7,{, ( HEAPSIDE; 1 I < . ' AND C O. , U U 11 L I N ; K. (i K I K I I N ANDCO., OLASOOW ALSO, J. AMI -. A. I I. (. I. , MUM. 1 \Mi IIDIiAKT TOWN. M IM i l X X X I X. LONDON : illNTF-US, I KNICKERBOCKER'S HISTORY OF NEW YORK, COXTIIHIMQ, AMOHG MANY SURPRISING AKD CURIOUS MATTERS, THE I Nl TPERABl-K PONDKRISGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER; THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OP WILLIAM THE TESTY; KD THE CHIVALROUS ACHIEVEMENTS OP PETER THE HEADSTRONG; Till: THREE BOTCH GOVERNOR* OF MEW AMSTERDAM. Be toaarfjeiD Die in Duistcr lag, Bit komt met blaarfyeiD aan Den Dag. ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. IT was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of the full of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at tint Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry-street, of which I am landlord. He was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive M-!\ct breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard 1 1 < > be of some eight-and-forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery which he wore about him was a bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles : and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he carried under his arm. His whole appearance was something out of the common run; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent count r\ schoolmaster. As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him; but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put liiui in her l>e*t chamber, which is genteelly sot otl with the [in. files of the whole family, done in black, by tlnKf two great painters, Jarvis and Wood; and com- mands a very plea-ant view of the new grounds on tin- foiled, together with the rear of the Poor-House and Bridewell, and the full front of the Hospital; so that it i< the cheerful!''.-! room in the whole house. During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found VI ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days together; and if any of the children cried, or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say some- thing about " deranging his ideas;" which made my wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether compos. Indeed, there .was more than one reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, lying about at sixes and sevens, which he never would let any body touch; for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them; though, for that matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in search of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, and put every thing to rights; for he swore he would never be able to get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my wife ven- tured to ask him, what he did with so many books and papers ? and he told her, that he was " seeking for im- mortality;" which made her think, more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. He was a very inquisitive body, and, when not in his room, was continually poking about town, hearing all the news, ajid prying into everything that was going on : this was particularly the case about election time, when he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and committee rooms; though I could never find that he took part with either side of the ques- tion. On the contrary, he would come home and rail at both parties with great wrath; and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife, and three old ladies who M ere drinking tea with her, that the two parties were like \n or\ : or THI: u THOR. vn t\vu n>irii-j. r.u'h tugging at a skirt of the nation; and that in the cud they would tear the very coat off its back, and xji'i.i- it- naked iie-;. Indeed, he was an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around to hear him talk of .-in afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before the door; and I really believe he would have brought ; ho whole neighbourhood to his own side of the ques- tion, if they could ever have found out what it was. He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, philosophise, about the most trifling matter; and, to do him justice, I never knew anybody that was a match for him, ;'t it was a grave-looking gentleman who called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out thi- Mranjrer is the city librarian; and, of course, must be a man of great learning : and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the following history. As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had never received any pay, my wife began to be some- w hat uneasy, and curious to find out who and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to In-; friend, the librarian, who replied, in his dry way, that he was one of the literati; which she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dunning 1 gentleman fora farthing: but my wife, who always - these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that plie thought it high time " some people should have a sight humble servant. v 11 HANDASIDI . .1 ( n/IDII/linit lloti'l. 1 UK foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the dition of this work. Shortly after its publication. ,\ letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the HinUon. whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspei I'UILT rertain ancient records. As this was one of those few and happy villages, into which newspapers never find their it U not a matter of surprise that Mr. Knickerbocker ohoiild ne\erli;ive -<-en the niinierou- advertisements that made coiK-erninu' liim: and that he should le.irn of the pulilication of hi- lii-iory \<\ men- aceident. X ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. He expressed much concern at its premature appear- ance, as thereby he was prevented from making several important corrections and alterations: as well as from profiting by many curious hints which he had collected during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at Haverstraw and Esopus. Finding that there was no longer any immediate neces- sity for his return to New York, he extended his journey up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither he stopped for some days at Albany, for which city he is known to have entertained a great partiality. He found it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were making, and the consequent decline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was informed that these intruders were making sad innovations in all parts of the. state; where they had given great trouble and vex- ation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the introduction of turnpike-gates and country school-houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heyden palace; but was highly indignant at finding that the ancient Dutch church, which stood in the mi'ddle of the street, had been pulled down since his last visit. The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's History having reached even to Albany, he received much flattering attention from its worthy burghers; some of whom, however, pointed out two or three very great errors he had fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been discontinued for some years past. Several fami- lies, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed great jealousy of their neighbours who had been thus distin- guished ; while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed ACCOUNT OF THK AUTHOR. \1 themselves vastly thereupon ; considering these recordings in the liirht of letters-patent of nobility, establishing their claims to ancestry : which in this republican country, is a matter of no little solicitude and vain-glory. It is also said, thut he enjoyed high favour and counte- nance from tlu> governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three times to shake hands with him when they met in the street; which certainly was going great lengths, considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he could venture to speak his mind freely on snch matters, have assured us that he privately entertained a considerable good-will for our author : nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and that openly too, and at his own table, just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a well-meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." From all which many have been led to suppose, that, had our author been of different politics, and written for the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories, he might have risen to some pos^t of honour and profit : perad\entiiri' to be a notary-public, or even a justice in the ten pound court. HcM write advertisements, petitions, hand-bills, and productions of similar import; and, although he never meddled with tin- public papers, yet had he the credit of writiiii: innumerable essays, and smart things, that appeared on all subjects, and all sides of the question; in all which he was clearly detected "by his style." H<- contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at thepost- oHice, in consequence of the numerous letters he received from authors and printers, soliciting his subscription; lie was applied to by every charitable society for yearly donation-;, which he gave very cheerfully, considering tin--'- apji'.:-' ni >ns as so many compliments. He was once invited to a great corporation dinner; and was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he become, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in all holes and corners of the city, according to the bent of his humour, unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several times when he ii *annterin'.r the streets, on his usual rambles of i, ei;nipp.'d with his cane and cocked hat, the little !>n\s at play have been known to cry, "there goes Diedrich!" at which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, looking upon these salutations in the light of the praises of posterity. In a word, if we take into consideration all these various honours and di-tiuctions, together with an exuberant eulo- gium pas-ed on him in the Portfolio (with which, we are told, the old jL'ciiileinan was so much overpowered, that lie was sick for two or three days,) it must be confessed that few authors liave ever lived to receive such illus- triou.- rewaicK, or have so completely enjoyed in advane.- their own iininortalil v. r his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker XIV ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. took up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the Stuyvesants had granted him on the .family domain, in gratitude for his honourable mention of their ancestors. It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes beyond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the summer time, with musquitoes : but otherwise very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt-grass and bulrushes. Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring- marshes. When he found his end approaching, he dis- posed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his for- tune to the New York Historical Society ; his Heidelburg Catechism, and Vander Donck's work to the City Library ; and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies; that is to say, all that bore any enmity towards him; for as to himself, he declared he died in good will to all the world. And, after dictating several kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he ex- pired in the arms of his friend the librarian. His remains were interred, according to his own request, in St. Mark's Churchyard, close by the bones of his favourite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured that the Historical Society have it in mind to erect a wooden monument to his memory, in the Bowling-green. TO THE PUBLIC. " To rescue from oblivion the memory of former inci- antl to render a just tribute of renown to the many and wonderful transactions of our Dutch proge- nitors, Dicdrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New York, produces this historical essay."* Like the great r of History whose words I have just quoted, 1 treat of times long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its shadows, and the of forgetfulness was about to descend for ever. With great solicitude did I long behold the early history of this viMieruMe and ancient city gradually slipping from iir irrasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little labile, thought I, and those reverend Dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, will l>e gathered to their fathers ; their children, engrossed I iy the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present age, will neglect to treasure up the recollec- tion- of the pa-t, and posterity shall search in vain for memorial-; of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of ;y will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the ii imi-s iiini adi;. I \\ outer Van Twiller, William Bi-loc's Herodotus. XVI PREFACE. Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus and Kemus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Boulogne. Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threat- ened misfortune, I industriously set myself to work, to gather together all the fragments of our ancient history which still existed, and, like tny revered prototype, Herodotus, where no written records could be found, have endeavoured to continue the chain of history by well au- thenticated traditions. In this arduous undertaking, which has been the sole business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number of learned authors I have consulted ; and all to but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent works have been written about this country, there are none extant which give any full and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, gained much valuable and curious matter from an elabo- rate manuscript written in exceeding pure and classic Low Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, which was found in the archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many legends, letters, and other documents, have I likewise gleaned in my researches among the family chests and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens : and I have gathered a host of well-authenticated traditions from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who re- quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, the NEW YORK HISTORICAL SOCIETY, to which I here publicly return my sincere acknowledgments. In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no individual model, but on the contrary have simply con- tented myself with combining and concentrating the ex- PREFACE. XV11 rcllonces of the most approved ancient historians. Like Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the -tiicte-t adherence to truth throughout my history. I ha\e enriched it, after the manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length and faithfully coli>ured. I have seasoned it with profound poli- tical speculation?, like Thucydides; sweetened it with the graces of sentiment, like Tacitus ; and infused into the whole, the dignity, the grandeur, and magnificence of Livy. I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous learned and judicious critics, for indulging too fre- quently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite llcmdotus. And, to be candid, I have found it impossible alway- to n--i-t the allurements of those pleasing episodes which, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found that I have always resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey with renovated spirits ; so that both my readers and myself have been .-d by the relaxation. Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing the n>(|ni>ite unity of History, yet the loose and uncon- 1 manner in \vhich many of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, rendered such an attempt extremely ditlienlt. This difficulty was likewise increased by one of the grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to the ii-<> of sundry customs and institutions in this l>e>t i>l < hies, and to compare them when in the germ of infancy with what they are in .the present old age of knowledge and improvement. Hut the chief merit on which I value myself, and found my hope, tor future regard, is that faithful veracity with which I have compiled this invaluable little work; care- XV111 PREFACE. fully winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over the surface of literature ; or had I been anxious to "commend my writings to the pam- pered palates of literary epicures, I might have availed myself of the obscurity that overshadows the infant years of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the drowsy air of summer indolence might be enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidelity, gravity, and dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian. " For a writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, " must sustain the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity : one who has studied to inform himself well, who has pondered his subject with care, and addressed himself to our judgment rather than to our imagination." Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as myself to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities, of themselves, and in fact, empires of themselves, are nothing without an historian. It is the patient narrator who records their prosperity as they rise, who blazons forth the splendour of their noon-tide meridian, who props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay, who gathers together their scattered fragments as they rot, and who piously at length collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work, and rears a triumphal monument to transmit their renown to all succeeding ages. What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller? PRKFACE. XIX They have sunk into dust and silence ; they have perished from remembrance, for want of an historian! The philan- thropist may weep over their desolation; the poet may wander amongtheir mouldering arches and broken columns, and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy; but alas! alas I the modern historian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains for some memorial that may tell the instructive tale of their glory and their ruin. " Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, "destroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their disco- \ fries, and their vanities. The torch of science has more than once been extinguished and rekindled; a few indivi- duals, who have escaped by accident, re-unite the thread of generations." The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many ancient cities will happen again, and from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them the time for recording their history is gone by ; their origin, their foundation, together with the early stages of their settle- ment, are for ever buried in the rubbish of years ; and the same would have been the case with this fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from obscurity in the \ cry nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein recorded were about entering into the widespread insa- tiable maw of oblivion, if 1 had not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon them for ever! And here have I, as before observed, carefully collected, collated, and ar- ranged them, scrip and scrap, "punt en punt, gat en gat" and commenced in this little work, a history to serve as a foundation, on which other historians may hereafter raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until b PREFACE. Knickerbocker's New York may be equally voluminous with Gibbon's Rome, or Hume and Smollett's England! And now indulge me for a moment : while I lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or three hundred yards a-head; and, casting a bird's- eye glance over the waste of years that is to roll between, discover myself little I! at this moment the progenitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and New York on* my back, pressing forward like a with gallant commander, to honour and immortality! Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that will now and then enter into the brain of the author that irradiate, as with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and animating him to persevere in his la- bours. And I have freely given utterance to these rhap- sodies whenever they have occurred; not I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that the reader may for once have an idea how an author thinks and feels while he is writing a kind of knowledge very rare and curious, and much to be desired. CONTENTS. Page ACCOUNT of the Author Preface ;'*-. XT BOOK I. CONTAUCIJtO DIVERS IVGKNIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPXCULA- TIOS1 COXCERJCIXQ.THK CREATION ASD POPULATION OP THE WORLD Al COXXECTED WITH THE HISTORT OF NEW YORK. CHAP. I. Description of the World 1 CHAP. II. Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a Multitude of excellent Theories, by which the Creation of a World is shown to he no such difficult Matter as common Folks would imagine 8 CHAP. III. How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nicknamed ; and how he committed an unpar- donable Oversight in not having Four Sons : with the great Trouble of Philosophers caused thereby, and the Discovery of America . 16 CHAP. IV. Showing the great Difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling America and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident, to the great Relief and Satisfaction of the Author 22 CHAP. V. In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the Rout, by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon which not only delivers Thousands of People from great Embarrassment, hut likewise concludes this Introductory ! k 30 XX11 CONTENTS. BOOK II. TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF NIET7W NEDERLAXDTS. Page CHAP. I. In which are contained divers Reasons why a Man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Discovery of a strange Country and how he was magnificently rewarded by the Munificence of their High Mightinesses 46 CHAP. II. Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which floated under the Protection of St. Nicholas from Holland to Gibbet Island the Descent of the strange Animals there- from a great Victory, .and a Description of the ancient Village of Communipaw ....... 56 CHAP. Ill In which is set forth the true Art of making a Bargain together with the miraculous Escape of a great Metropolis in a Fog and the Biography of certain Heroes of Communipaw 63 CHAP. IV. How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate, and how they were received there . . .70 CHAP. V. How the Heroes of Communipaw returned some- what wiser than they went and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream and the Dream that he dreamed 80 CHAP. VI. Containing an Attempt at Etymology and of the Foundation of the great City of New Amsterdam . 84- CHAP. VII. How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the Protection of Oloffe the Dreamer . . .91 BOOK III. IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER. CHAP. I. Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unpa- ralleled Virtues as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in the Law Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker and the great Admiration of the Public thereat 98 CHAP. II. Containing some Account of the grand Council of New Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical Reasons why an Alderman should be fat with other Par- ticulars touching the State of the Province ... 106 CHAP. III. How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of Mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite together with a Picture of our Great-great-grandfathers . ll.i CON1I.N1-. XX111 Page CHAP. IV. Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the Days of Walter the Doubter . . . . 124 CHAT. V. In which the Reader is beguiled into a delectable Walk, which ends very differently from what it commenced 130 CHAP. VI. Faithfully describing the ingenious People of Connecticut and thereabouts Showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a curious Device among these sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a Har- mony of Intercourse, and promote Population . . . 1.16 Cii \r. VII. How these simple Barbarians turned out to be notorious Squatters. How they built Air Castles, and at- tempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the Mystery of Bundling 141 CHVP. VIII. How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully be- leaguered how the renowned Wouter fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally evaporated .... 146 BOOK IV. CONTAINING THE CHRONICLE* OF THE REIGN OP WILLIAM THE TESTY. CHAP. I. Showing the Nature of History in general; con- taining furthermore the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a Man may learn so much as to render himself good for Nothing 154 CHAP. II. In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal Genius The Art of fighting by Procla- mation and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop . . 16 1 CHAP. Ill Containing the fearful Wrath of William the . and the great Dolour of the New A Ulster dam mers, because of the Affair of Fort Goed Hoop. And moreover how William the Testy did strongly fortify the City. To- gether with the Exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff . . 170 CHAP. IV. Philosophical Reflections on the Folly of being happy in Times of Prosperity Sundry Troubles on the Southern Frontiers How William the Testy had well nigh ruined tht- Province through a cabalistic Word As also the lition of Jan Janscn Alpcndam, and his asto- t 177 XXIV CONTENTS. Page CHAP. V. How William the Testy enriched the Province by a Multitude of Laws, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers and Bumbailiffs And how the People became ex- ceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his Instructions 186 CHAP. VI. Of the great Pipe Plot and of the dolorous Perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the Multitude . . . 194 CHAP. VII. Containing divers fearful Accounts of Border Wars, and the flagrant Outrages of the Moss-Troopers of Connecticut: with the Rise of the great Amphictyonic Council of the East, and the Decline of William the Testy 200 BOOK V. CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OP THE REIGN OF PETER STUYVE- SANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL. CHAP. I. In which the Death of a great Man is shown to be no very inconsolable Matter of Sorrow ; and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great Name from the uncommon Strength of his Head 210 CHAP. II. Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the Rats and Cobwebs, on entering into Office; and the perilous Mistake he was guilty of in his Dealings with the Amphictyons 217 CHAP. III. Containing various Speculations on War and Negotiations showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great national Evil 222 CHAP. IV. How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his Adversaries the Moss-Troopers and his Conduct there- upon 228 CHAP. V. How- the New Amsterdammers became great in Arms, and of the direful Catastrophe of a mighty Army together with Peter Stuyvesant's Measures to fortify the City and how he was the original Founder of the Battery 237 CHAP. VI. How the People of the East Country were sud- denly afflicted with a diabolical Evil and their judicious Measures for the Extirpation thereof 243 CHAP. VII. Which records the Rise and Renown of a valiant Commander ; showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to Greatness and Importance by mere Wind . 249 N I -. BOOK VI. CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF TUB REIGN OF PETER THE HEAD- STRONG AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENT* ON THE DELAWARE. Page CHAP. I. In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the great Peter and how General Von Poffenburgh distin- guished himself at Fort Casimir ... . . . 25S CHAP. II. Showing how profound Secrets are often brought to Light; with the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, when he heard of the Misfortune of General Von Poffen- burgh 269 C'liAp. III. Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson, and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned River 276 CHAP. IV. Describing the powerful Army that assembled at the City of New Amsterdam together with the Interview between Peter the Headstrong and General Von Poffen- burgh ; and Peter's Sentiments touching unfortunate great Men 284 CHAP. V. In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of himself after which is to be found much interesting H.-tory about Peter the Headstrong and his Followers . 290 CHAP. Vl. Showing the great Advantage that the Author has over his Reader in time of Battle together with divers portentous Movements; which betoken that something ter- rible is about to happen 299 CHAP. VII. Containing the most horrible Battle recorded in Poetry or Prose : with the admirable Exploits of Peter the Headstrong 30G CHAP. VIII. In which the Author and the Reader, while reposing after the Battle, fall into a very grave Discourse after which is recorded the Conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his Victory 317 BOOK VII. H I HE THIRD PART OF THE RE1UN OF PETER THE HEAD- STRONG HIX TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION ; AND THE I'M LINE AMI FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. CHAT. I. How 1' nit relieved the Sovereign People from the Kurthcii of taking care of the Nation with smith) Particulars of lii- Conduct in Time of Peace . .'J'27 XXVI CONTENTS. Page CHAP. II. How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the Moss-Troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merry-land; and how a dark and horrid Conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet against the Prosperity of the Man- hattoes 338 CHAP. III. Of Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into the East Country ; showing that, though an old Bird, he did not understand Trap 344 CHAP. IV. How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a great Panic, by the threatened Invasion ; and the Manner in which they fortified themselves . '. . 354 CHAP. V. Showing how the Grand Council of the New Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with long Tongues Together with a great Triumph of Economy . 357 CHAP. VI. In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam ap- pear to thicken Showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People who defend themselves by Resolutions . . 363 CHAP. VII. Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter; and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a Second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parliament . . 372 CHAP. VIII. How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New Amsterdam for several days, by Dint of the Strength of his Head ; . 378 CHAP. IX. Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal Surrender of Peter the Headstrong . 385 CHAP. X. The Author's Reflections upon what has been said . . . . . . . . . .392 ILLUSTRATIONS. DUTCH WEIGHT to face Title. THE DEATH OF WALTER THE DOUBTER . tofdCe page 153 THE GREAT PIPE PLOT , 194 PETER STUYVESANT AND THE PIG-TAIL 314 THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. BOOK I. . I'lVf.KS INOCMO! 5 THEORIES AND PHILOSOPHIC SPECULA- TION* ( ON ( til MM! THE CREATION AND POPULATION OF TUB WOULD, AS CONXEITKD WITH THE HISTORY OF S EW YOKK. CHAPTER I. Description of the World. An DKDING to the best authorities, the world in which wr i Ku 11 i> a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate -. floating in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite >jKice. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for the in-ertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre; thus forming an ,i\i-, on which the mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution. The transitions of light and darkness, whence pro- i th alternations of day and night, are produced by this diurnal revolution successively presenting the different j>arts of the earth to the ray- of the sun. The lattrr is, aerordin<: to the best, that is to say, the accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a pro- 52 HISTORY OF digious magnitude; from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force, otherwise called the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the counteraction, of these two opposing impulses, producing a circular and annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of the year, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter. This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the subject though there be many phi- losophers who have entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of them entitled to much deference, from their great antiquity and illustrious characters. Thus, it was advanced by some of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others, that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise: but as they did not provide a resting-place for either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground, for want of proper foundation. The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein, like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original stations during the night;* while, according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the pheno- mena of lunar eclipses.f Besides these, and many other equally sage opinions, we have the profound conjectures of ABOUL-HAS- * Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. f Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. ZoJ. NEW YORK. J> I.Y, son of Al Klian, son of Aly, son of Abder- rahinan. son of Abdullah, son of Masoud-el-Hadlicli, \vli<> is commonly called MASOUDI, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the humble title of La- liebar-nu-oul, which means the companion of the am- baasad'tr of God. He has written a universal history, entitled Mouroudge-ed-dhahrab; or, The Golden Meadows, and the Mines of precious Stones."* In tliis valuable work he has related the history of tin- world, from the creation down to the moment of writing, which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 338th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird; Mecca and Medina constitute the lu-ad, Persia and India the riglit wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa th tail. He informs us, moreover, that an earth has dli !( re the present (which he considers as a f 7000 years,) that it has undergone divers dt luges, and that, according to the opinion of M'li.e \\ell-inforincd Brahmins of his acquaint- ance, it will be renovat' d cvt ry seventy-thousandth btturomm; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of ]>!i : l- Ciphers concerning the earth; and we find 1 have had equal perplexity as to the na'ure of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have ail'miied tint it is a va>t win el of brilliant fire;f , that it i> UK rely a mirror or sphere of trans- pai-ent ery-lal;| and a third ela-s, at the head of whom st. mil. Anaxagoras, maintained that it MSS. Bihliot. H. t 1'hit. do 1'iac. Philos. lib. ii.cap. 20. lag. cap. 1!. \i>. l'( u\. t. iii. p. M. 9 Eclog. Phys. HI), i. p. oi>. I'lut. de 1'luc. Philos. B - HISTORY OF nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone: indeed, lie declared the heavens to be merely a vault of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled. up- wards from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions.* But I give little attention to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted them, by banishing him from their city; a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, concentrating in a single point of the firmament by (lay, constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike to the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion.-)- It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time; a most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent, habitable abode; the light it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmo- sphere. J But we will not enter further at present into the * Diogenes Laertiusin Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol.t. i. p. 26. Plut. de. Plac. Philos. Xenoph. Mein.l. iv. p. 815. f Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1 154, &c. 1 Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 265. Nich. Philos. Journ. i. p. 13. M:W YORK. > nature of tlio sun, tliat being an inquiry not irnme- diah ly ID -ci ---ary to the development of this history; neither will we cinhroil ourselves in any more of the endh >s disputes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, I. ut content ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will jinx-red to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. l'rote-t of examinations; to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lectures, the. learned pro- fessor, seizing a bucket of water, swung it round his head at arm's length; the impulse with which lie threw tli vessel from him being a centrifugal . the retention of his arm operating as a cen- tripetal power, and the bucket, which 'was a sub- stitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the -I Imlar head and ruby visage of Profes- { on Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representa- tion of the MIII. All of tin se particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them, moreover, that the same principleof .t itioii which retained the water in the bucket, r< -trains the ocean from Hying from the earth in its rapid revolutions; and he further informed them, that should the motion of the earth be suddenly clucked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gia\ itatioii ; a mo>t ruinous event to this planet, and one which would al-o ure, though it must probably would not extinguish the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those b HISTORY OF vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, de- sirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended with astonishing precision on the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact, but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Pod- dingcoft emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation ; where- by the students were marvellously edified, and de- parted considerably wiser than before. It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly per- plexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that Nature often refuses to second his most profound and elabo- rate efforts; so that often, after having invented one of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly contradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited .grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame Nature, who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet; it appears that the centri- fugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency: the NEW YORK. 7 world, tin -ivt'i >re, according to the theory as it origin- ally stood, (infill, in strict propriety, to tumble into tin- sun: philosophers were convinced that it would do -o, and awaited, in anxious impatience, the fulfil- ment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she iiad IV;ISM:I, philosophy, and a whole univer- -ity of learned professors opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought they would never have pardoned the slight and ati'ront which they conceived put upon them by the world, had not a good-natured professor kindly "tiieiatid as a mediator between the parties, and eHeetcd a r conciliation. Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, in wisely determined to accommodate the theory to the world : he therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered, by the con- tlicting impulses abovi described, than it became a regular revolution, independent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from embarrass- ment ; and. i v. r -ince that memorable era, the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. HISTORY OF CHAPTER II. Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; with a Multitude of ex- cellent Theories, by which the Creation of a World is shown to be no such difficult Matter as common Folks would imagine. HAVING thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and situa- tion, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And indeed the clearing up of these points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe. And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my .skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accom- pany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the begin- ning of some smoother chapter. Of the creation of the world we have a thousand contradictory accounts; and, though a very satisfactory one is furnished by divine revelation, yet every philo- sopher feels himself in honour bound to furnish us Ni;W YORK. with a better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified -and in- structed. Thus, it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe was th- Deity himself;* a doctrine most strenuously maintained ly Xenophanes and the whole tribe of HI. aties. as also by Strato and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras 'likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and tryad: and by means of his sacred quaternary, eluci- dated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, end the principles both of music and morals.f Other adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles: the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and the d< decahedron. J While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains to the combina- tions of four material elements, air, earth, fire, and water; \\iih the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. Nor must 1 omit to mention the great atomic sys- tem taught by old Moschus, before the siege of Troy; ed hy Democritusof laughing memory; improved by Kpieunis. that king of good fellows ; and modern- i/el by the fanciful Descartes. Hut I decline inquiring whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent: whether they are animate or inanimate; whither, agreeably to the opi- nion of Atheists, they \\ere fortuitously aggregated; Ari.stnt. ap. ( io. lili. i. cap. 3. f Aristot. Mrtaph. lil>. i. i. .".. Mi-m tie Ccelo, 1. iii. c. 1. an. Mi'in. Mir .Mii of chaos took a sudden occa- ion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and, in that act. exploded the sun which in its Hight, by a Minilar convulsion exploded the earth which, in like guise, exploded the moon and thus, by a concatena- tion of explosions the \\hole -olar >\-iem was pro- duced, ami -it n n-t systematically in motion.* \'>\ the gre:it variety of throrie- li'ie alluded to, w. Bot. Garden, Tart I. C.int. i. 1. 105. 14 . HISTORY OF every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts, my un- learned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be con- structed; and, I have no doubt, that had any of the philosophers above quoted the use of a good manage- able comet, and the philosophical warehouse, chaos, at his command, he would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit. And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transitions are effected in the system of nature, than are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hippo- griff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." It is an old and vulgar saying, about a "beggar on horseback," which I would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers: but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their cur- vettings as was Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phcebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet a kind of NEW YORK. 15 beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and faggots; a third, of more combustible dis- position, threaten? to throw his comet, like a bomb- shell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other his comet my modest pen blushes while I write it shall absolutely turn tail upon our world and deluge it with water! Surely, as I have already observed, comets were bountifully provided by 1'n.vidf nee, for the benefit of philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing theories. And now. having adduced several of the most pro- minent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all serious speculations of learned men, all differ essentially from each other, and all hav. the -ame title to belief. It has' ever been the ta-k of one raeo of philosophers to demolish the works of their j" s, and elevato more splendid fan- - in their >t- ad. which, in their turn, are demo- IMi< d and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding i ation. Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, of- which \vc make such great parade, consist but in (Meeting the errors and absurdities of tho>e who li;.\e gone before, and devising new errors and abMirdiiit B, to be detected by those who are to come atti i are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children of science amuse them- ,r hom >t vulgar stand ga/ing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vag.iries with the nani'- <(' ui-d-'ii! Surely Socrates \\as right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a -obi rer >>rt of madmen, busying t!r ms.lv. s in things totally in- con -p which, it' they could be < prc- IK nded, would be found not worthy the trouble of disco \ 16 For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed down to us by Moses; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut, who at their first settle- ment proclaimed, that the colony should be governed by the laws of God until they had time to make better. One thing, however, appears certain from the una- nimous authority of the before-quoted philosophers, supported by the evidence of our own senses (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony;) it appears, I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which, I boldly declare the renowned ISLAND OF NEW YORK will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper place. CHAPTER III. How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick- named; and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having Four Sons: with the great Trouble of Philo- sophers caused thereby, and the Discovery of America. NOAH, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not wanting, \vho affirm that the pa- triarch had a number of other children. Thus, Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans ; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus (who was the first inventor of Johnny-cakes ;) and others have mentioned a son named Thuiscon, from whom de- NEW YORK. 1" ; . d the Teutons, or Teutonic, or in other words tin- Dutch nation. I r< -i-< t exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the gn-at Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended w ith more trouble than many people would imagine; for the good old patriarch seems to have !) en a great traveller in his day, and to have d under a different name in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his . merely altering hi- name into Xisuthrus a trivial alteration, which, to an historian skilled in etymologies, \\i\l appear wholly unimportant. It appears likewi-e, that he had exchanged his tar- pawling and quadrant, among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia >f reyalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the nanieof (KiiN; the Indians as Menu; the Greek and Roman writer- confound him with Ogyges, and the Tin ban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who de-i rvedly rank among the most ex- teii-ive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have kno\\n the world nnu h longer than any one ire that Noah was no other than Fohi; and, what gives this assertion some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into' China, at the time of the building of the tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages,) and tin d Dr. Shnckford gives, us the additional in- formation, that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontier- of China. I'rnin this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses many satisfaeti-iy d(ducLions might be drawn; but I shall content my>elf with the .-implf fact stated in the Bible, v;/. that Noah begat three 18 HISTORY OP sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and how events the most distant and, to the common observer, unconnected, are inevitably consequent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher to discover these mys- terious affinities, and is the proudest triumph of his skill to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causation, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus, many of my readers will doubtless wonder what connexion the family of Noah can possibly have with this history ; and many will stare when informed that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its character and course, from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons. But to explain. Noah, we are told by sundry very credible his- torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee-simple, after the deluge, like a good father, portioned out his estate among his child- ren. To Shem he gave Asia, to Ham Africa, and to Japhet Europe. Now, it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for, had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inherited America: 'which of course would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion; and thus, many a hard-working historian and philosopher would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary con- jecture, respecting the first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, looked, in all probability, upon our country as mere wild, unsettled land, and said nothing about it; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may be ascribed the misfortune, that Ame- rica did not come into the world as early as the other quarters of the globe. It is true, some writers have vindicated him from \V YORK. 19 this misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really iliil di*eo\er America. Thus, it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer, pos- sessed of that ponderosity of thought, and profound- lit' reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immeiliate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for the seafaring life, superin- tended the transmigration. The pious and enlight- ened father C'harlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for his aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still further, and decides upon the man- ner in which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great i. " I have already observed," exclaimed tin- good father, in a tone of becoming indignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren <>f Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they nev. r thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can 'i>ly believe, that Noah and his immediate des- cendant* knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, ;ind had so m; ny shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have commuiiicati d to his descendants, the art of sailing, on the ocean? Therefore they did sail on the ocean then fore they sailed to America therefore Ame- ,t> discovered by Noah I " Nuw, all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being (Unwed to the faith, ratlin- than to the BadentaBCU ing, is fhtly opposed by Hans tie Latt. \\lio declare- it a real and most lidiculons paradox, to suppose that c2 2 HISTORY OF Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering America; and, as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how inti- mate historians do daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are particu- larly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely give us a picture of men and manners as they existed before the flood, far more copious and accurate than the Bible : and that, in the course of another century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as current among historians as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Robinson Crusoe. I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, and pro- babilities respecting the first discovery of this country, with which unhappy historians overload themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incre- dulous world. It is painful to see these laborious wights panting and toiling and sweating under an enormous burden, at the very outset of their works, which, on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwea- ried assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their use- ful labours to be extremely brief upon this point. I shall not stop, therefore, to inquire, whether Ame- rica was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, according to He- rodotus, circumnavigated Africa ; or by that Cartha- NEW YORK. - ginian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, infonns us. di-e \.-ivd the Canary Islands; or whether it was d !iy a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted l>\ Aristotle and Seneca. 1 shall neither inquire whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as a- with great shrewdness advances, nor by the is in 1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, Hie Cierman navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to the seavans of the learned city of Phila- delphia. NOr shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who, having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America, and that for a plain reason if he did not go there, where else could he have gone ? a <|iiestion which, most Socratically, shuts out all further dispute. Laying a2, by Christovallo Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and adven- tun s of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being noto- riou-ly self-evident. I laving thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, 1 picture them to myself, all impatienci to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will immediately deliver it into their possession. But if I do. may I ever for- feit the reputation of a r.-gular-l)red historian. No, '22 HISTORY OF no, most curious and thrice-learned readers (for thrice-learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read that comes after,) we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and culti- vated like a garden, wherein they might revel at their ease ? No such thing; they had forests to cut down, underwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate. In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry has been found, by certain shrewd critics, to echo the sense this being an improvement in history, which I claim the merit of having invented. CHAPTER IV. Shoeing the great Difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling America and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident, to the great Relief and Satisfaction of the Author. THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course of our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how this country was originally peopled ; a point fruitful of incredible embarrassments ; for unless we prove that the aborigines did absolutely come from some- where, it will be immediately asserted, in this age of NEW YORK. 23 ; it -i-in. tliat they did not come at all ; and if they etan> of ink have been benevolently drained! and how many capacious heads of learned historians have hi -rii addled and for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe, when I contemplate the pon- derous tomes in different languages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so important to the happiness of society, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argu- ment, and after leading us a weary chase through octave-, (juartos, and folios, has let us out, at the end of his \vork. ju-t as wise as we were at the beginning. It \\.:i-. doubtless, some philosophical wild-goose chase of the kind, that made the old poet Macrobius rail in Mich a pa-sioii at curiosity, which he anathematizes mo-t heartily as "an irksome, agonizing care; a superstitious industry about unprofitable things; an itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to lie doing \\liat signifies nothing when it is done." lint to proceed : Of the claims of the children of Noah to the ori- ginal population of this country I shall say nothing, as tin \ have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abraham. Thus, Chri-toval Colon ( vulgarly called Columbus,) when he first discovered '24 HISTORY OF the gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for embel- lishing the temple at Jerusalem: nay, Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore. So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fasci- nating extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learning; and accordingly, there were divers profound writers ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vatablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear; Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country ; while Possevin, Becan, and several other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual dura- bility. Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly superstructure when in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be found in divers provinces of the New World, to the devil, who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing oldPadred'Acosta, "made NEW YORK. 25 by ;ill 2" nl authors who have spoken of the religion of nation< newly discovered, and founded, besides, on the authority of the fathers of the church." Some writers, again, among whom it is with great 1 I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara an' I Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, >ei/.ed with such a panic that they fled, without looking lirhiml them, until, stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in America. As they brought neither their national language, manners, nor features with them, it is supposed they left them. behind in the hurry of their flight. I cannot give my faith to this opinion. I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who. being both an ambassador and a Dutchman to bout. i~ entitled to great respect, that North America wa- peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded by a colony from China Manco. or Munj:o Capac, the first Incas, being him- self a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention, that father Kircher ascribes the settlement of America to tin' Egyptians, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from l-'rieshmd, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Comte to the Phcani- eian>. 1'o-tel to the Moors, Martin d'Angleria to the Abyssinians. together with the sage surmise of De that Knulaml, Ireland, and the Orcades may contend for that honour. Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that. America is the fairy region ofZipangri, described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian : or that it comprises the visionary i-landof Atlanti-, de^-ribed by 1'lato. Neither will I stop to in\e-tL r ate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, 26 HISTORY OF . that each hemisphere of the globe was originally fur- nished with an Adam and Eve ; or the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race ; or the startling conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly honourable to mankind, that the whole human species is accidentally descended from a re- markable family of the monkeys ! This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gazing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harle- quin, all at once electrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. Little did I think, at such times, that it would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that, while I was quietly beholding these grave philosophers emu- lating the eccentric transformations of the herD of pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! I determined from that moment not to burn my fingers with any more of ' their theories, but content myself with detailing the different methods by which they transported the descendants of these ancient and respectable monkeys to this great field of theoretical warfare. This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d' Acosta enumerates three passages by land; first, by the north of Europe; secondly, by the north of Asia; and, thirdly, by regions southward of the Straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe- gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estoti- land, and Naremberga. And various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Bufibn, anxious NEW YORK. 27 for the accommodation of these travellers, have fas- tened the two continents together by a strong chain of deductions by which means they could pass over dry-shod. But, should even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who compiles books, and manui'aetiiri s geographies, has constructed a natural bridge lit' ice. from continent to continent, at the dis- tance of four or five miles from Behring's'Straits, for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass over it. It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy w riters above quoted could ever commence his work, without immediately declaring hostilities against every writer who had treated of the same subji ct. In this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, which, in building its nest, . c to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds in it> neighbourhood. This unhappy propensity tends grievon-ly to impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle productions; and, when once committed to the stream, they should take care that, like the notable pots which were fellow voyagers, they do not crack each other. For my part, u lien I beheld the sages I have quoted, gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and di.M-oursiiiL r thus wisely about matters for ever hidden from their eyes, like a blind man describing the gl of light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in astonishment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity. It', cried I to myself, these learned men can w< whole systems out of nothing, what would he their productions werethey furnished with substantial mate- rials I It' they can argue and dispute thus ingeniously about subjects beyond their knowledge, what would 28 HISTORY OF be the profundity of their observations, did they but know what they were talking about! Should old Rhadamanthus, when he conies to decide upon their conduct while on earth, have the least idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will undoubtedly class them with those notorious wise men of Gotham, who milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet purse from a sow's ear. My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this country was peopled from the moon or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruise about the northern oceans or that they were conveyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars or after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New England witches on full-blooded broomsticks made most unheard-of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo. But there is still one mode left by which this coun- try could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the last, because I consider it worth all the rest; it is by accident ! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Holland, the profound father Charlevoix observes, " In fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is possible, some have been so by acci- dent* Now, if it could have happened in that manner, why might it not have been at the same time, and by the same means, with the other parts of the globe?" This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible premises, is an improvement in syllo- gistic skill, and proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any thing to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit in \V YORK. 29 another place cuts the gordian knot. " Nothing," -ays In . ' is more easy. The inhabitants of both heiiii-ph. r. - an- certainly the descendants of the same father. 1 lie e. .iiuiioii father of mankind received an ier from Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring this about - necessary to overcome all difficulties in the way. nml ///// have also been overcome!" Pious in ! IIo\v does he put all the herd of laborious tin -..ri-t- to the blush, by explaining in five words, what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about! They have long been picking at the lock, and fret- ting at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the door by bursting it open; and when he has it once ajar. In \< at full liberty to pour in as many nations as he pli-ascs. This proves to a demonstration, that a little piety is better than a cart-load of philosophy,* and is a practical illustration of that scriptural pro- mi-. . By faith ye >hall move mountains." ,11 all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of others which I have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader, I can only draw the following conclusions, which, luckily howi-ver, are sufficient for my purpose. First, that thi> part of the world has actually been peopled (.): to support which we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Se- condly, that it lia> been peopled in five hundred diflfer- * nt \\ ,\ td by a cloud of authors, who, from the po>i;iveness of their assertions, seem to have been e\e-u ;o the fact. Thirdly, that the people of thi> country had n //, //,/// offathers, which, as it may not he thought much to their credit by the common run of n ader-. the less we say on the subject the The que.-tion, therefore, I trust, is for ever 30 HISTORY OF CHAPTER V. In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the Rout, by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon which not only delivers Thousands of People from great Embarrassment, but likewise concludes this Introductory Book. THE writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened unto an adventurous knight, who, having undertaken a perilous enterprise by-way or establish- ing his fame, feels bound in honour and chivalry to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my pen, and fall too with might and main, at those doughty ques- tions and subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up, which I must needs take by the beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance another step in my his- toric undertaking: but I trust this will be the last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the body of my work. The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, What right had the first discoverers of America to land and take possession of a country, without first gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation for their territory ? a question which has withstood many fierce assaults, and has given much distress of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folks. And indeed, until it be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied con- sciences. NEW YORK. 31 -ource of right by which property is ac- quired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For, as all mankind have an equal right to any thing which has lii-foiv been appropriated, so any nation that di.-eovers an uninhabited country, and takes posses- * considered as enjoying full property, and absolute, tin (a -rionable empire therein.* Thi* propo.-iiion being admitted, it follows clearly, that tin Europeans who first visited America, were the n-al di*e iverers of the same; nothing being ne- : v to the establishment of the fact, but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, fur it i* well known that this quarter of 'the world abouiuU d with certain animals, that walked erect on two feet; had something of the human countenance; d i-ert iin unintelligible sounds, very much like in short, had a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the zealous and enlightened fath'. T*. \\h> accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by es- tablishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, d up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of hi> holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and di*envrrrrs. They plainly proved, (and, as there were no Indian writer* arose on the other side, the fact was consi- ! ;t- Tally admitted and established,) that the two- legged IMCI- of animals before mentioned were mere eannibal>. detestable monsters, and many of them giant*: wiiieh la*t di-seription of vagrant* ha\v. since the tiini-^ <-f (Jog, Magog, and (ioliah, been consi- dercd UN outlaw*, and have received no quarter in either lii-^t'try. e!iivalr\ - . or ~i,ir_ r . Ind<'i'd, even the phi- fir Hw, I' ,:: . , 32 HISTORY OF losophic Bacon declared the Americans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and feed- ing upon man's flesh. Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism: among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us, " Their imbecility is so visible that one can hardly form an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as contented as a mo- narch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and respect as little." All this is furthermore supported by the authority of M. Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he, " to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well know what motives to propose to them when one would persuade them to any service. It is vain to offer them money ; they answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that " ambition they have none, and are more desirous of being thought strong than valiant. The objects of ambition with us honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts, and dis- tinctions are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world, has no power over them. In a word, these unhappy mortals may be compared to children, in whom the develop- ment of reason is not completed." Now, all these peculiarities, although in the unen- lightened states of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere talking about which acquired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philosophers, yet were A YORK. 33 they clearly proved, in thepresent instance, to betoken a most abject and hnitiiicd nature, totally beneath the human character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb Ix 'lint of argument, advanced- still stronger proofs; for, ascertain divines of the sixteenth ivntury, and among the rest Lullus, affirm, the Ame- rican* go naked, and have no beards! " They have nothing." says Lullus, "of the reasonable animal, jit the mask." And even that mask was allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion and, be- ing of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they v. in- m pro\v< how undeserving they were of the blessing* around tin-in they were so much tlie more savages, for not having more wants; for knowledge is, in some .'. an increase of desires, and it is this superiority both in tin- number and magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unrea- sonable animals; and it was but just that they should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and therefore would turn the earth to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides, Grotius, and rbach, and Puffendorf, and Titius, and many men beside, who have considered the matter properly, have determined, that the property of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it nothing but precise demarca- tion of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can lisli the possession. Now, as the savages (pro- bably from never having read the authors above ojiiot' <1 i had never complied with any of these neces- t'onns. it plainly followed that they had no right to tin ~..il, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant, that is to say, artificial desires, than themselves. In entering upon a newly-discovered uncultivated country, therefore, the new comers were but taking po- Bsion of what, according to the aforesaid doc- trine, was their own property therefore, in opposing them, the BBvagCfl \\ere invading their just rights, infringing the immutable la\\> of nature, and coun- 'inir the will of Heaven therefore they were guilty of impiety, burizlaiy, and trespass on the ca therefore th.-y \\.re hardened offenders against (iod and III:MI then-fore they ought to be exterminated. ' i) '2 36 HISTORY OF But a more irresistible right than either that I have mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted by my reader, provided he be blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient in- the comforts of life, but, what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their situation. But, no sooner did the benevolent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition, than they immediately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life; and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages learnt to estimate these blessings ; they like- wise made known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed; and, that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they pre- viously introduced among them the diseases which they were calculated to cure. By these, and a variety of other methods, was the condition of these poor savages wonderfully improved ; they acquired a thou- sand wants of which they had before been ignorant ; and, as he has most sources of happiness who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings. But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most strenuously been extolled by the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to M.W \OKK. 37 their word; hut though they acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The somere, therefore, used every method to induce them to embrace and practise the true religion, except, indeed, that of setting them the example. Uut notwithstanding all these complicated labours for their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of -tuhhorn wretches, that they ungratefully refused to acknowledge the Grangers as their benefactors, and per-i-ted in disbelieving the doctrines they endea- voured to inculcate; most insolently alleging, that from their conduct, the advocates of Christianity did not M -em to believe in it themselves. Was not this too much for human patience? Would not one suppose, that the benign visitants from Europe, pro- . voked at their incredulity, and discouraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery? But no; so zealous were they to elfeet the temporal comfort and eternal salva- tion of the-' |i;i','an infidels, that they even proceeded from the milder means of persuasion to the more painful and troublesome one of persecution let loose among them whole troops of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds purified them by fire and sword, by stake and fagirot ; in consequence of which indefati- gable measures, the cause of Christian loveand charity \\a- M) rapidly advanced that, in a very few years, not one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America, that were found there at the time of its discovery. What .-tronger right need the European settler-, advance to the country than this? Have not whole nations of uninformed savages been made acquainted with a thousand imperious wants and indispensable comfort-, of which they w< r. before wholly ignorant > Have- they not been literally hunted and smoked out 38 HISTORY OF of the dens and lurking-places of ignorance and infi- delity, and absolutely scourged into the right path? Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently taken from them? and have they not, instead thereof, been taught to set their affections on things above? And, finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain, " Can any one have the presumption to say, that these savage Pagans have yielded any thing more than an incon- siderable recompense to their benefactors, in surren- dering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty sub- lunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inheritance in the kingdom of heaven !" Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources of right established, any one of which was more than ample to establish a property in the newly-dis- covered regions of America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted, the influence of cultivation so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attend- ant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, some how or another, been utterly annihilated : and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the others put together; for the original claimants to the soil being all dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor: and, as they have Blackstone,* and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, * Bl. Com. b. ii. c. 1. M.\V YORK. 39 they may set all actions of ejectment at defiance; and this la-t ri<_'ht may be entitled the RIGHT BY ; MIV \TIOX, or, in other words, the RIGHT BY .\\ i.i u. Hut, le.-t any scruples of conscience should remain on this lu -ad. and to settle the question of right for his holiness Pope Alexander VI. issued a mighty hull, by which he generously granted the newly-dis- co\.ivd quarter of the globe to the Spaniards and IVrtiiiriK >; who, thus having law and gospel on their -id.-, and bt ing inflamed with great spiritual zeal, showed the pagan savages neither favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discovery, colonization, civilization, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever. Thus \v< re the European worthies who first dis- . i d America clearly entitled to the soil; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of tln-se infidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilized, and heathenish condition ; for having made them acquainted with the cum forts of life; for having introduced among them the light of religion; and, finally, for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward I l>ut, as argument is never so well understood by us >elfish mortals, us when it conns home to ourselves, and a- I am particularly anxious that this question should be put to rest for ever, I will suppose a parallel by way of arou-in^r the candid attention of my readers. Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and by a profound insight into that ineffable lunar philosophy, the im re Hickciint:- of M Inch have uf late years dazzled 40 HISTORY OF the feeble optics, and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our globe let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of their energies, such an enviable state of perfectibility, as to control the ele- ments, and navigate the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring phi- losophers, in the course of an aerial voyage, of dis- covery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this outlandish planet. And here I beg my readers will not have the un- charitableness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the grave specula- tions of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein at present; nor is the supposition I have been making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anxious question with me, and many a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and contrivances for the wel- fare and protection of this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights, debating in my mind, whe- ther it were most probable we should first discover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navigating floating castles through the world of waters, to the simple savages. We have already discovered the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in canoes; and the disparity between the former, and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might not be greater than that between the bark canoes of the savages and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here '.V YORK. 41 pursue an endless chain of similar speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as matters \\dl \\urtliyhis attentive consideration. To return, then, to my supposition. Let us suppose that the ai : rial visitants I have mentioned, possessed -tly superior knowledge to ourselves; that is to ssed of superior knowledge in the art of extermination riding on hippogriffs defended with unpenetrable armour armed with concentrated sun- beams, and provided with vast engines to hurl enor- mous moonstones: in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to knowledge, and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians when they first dis- d them. All this is very possible; it is only our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; ami 1 warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly convinced that they themselves were the t, the most virtuous, powerful, and perfect of created brings, as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of Old England, the volatile popu- lace of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic. I ; us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding thi> planet to be nothing but a howling wilder- ness, inhabited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his ino>t gnu-ion* ami philosophic excellency, the man in the moon, landing, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants, they shall take our worthy President, the King of md. the Kmpen.r of Hayti, the mighty Buona- 42 HISTORY OF parte, and the greatrKing of Bantam, and, returning to their native planet, shall carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe. Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the follow- ing terms : " Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose domi- nions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs. We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into this august presence, were once very important chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute of the common attributes of humanity; and differing in every thing from the inha- bitants of the moon, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under their arms, have two eyes [instead of one, are utterly des- titute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly com- plexions, particularly of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green. " We have, moreover, found these miserable savages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depra- vity, every man shamelessly living with his own wife and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that community of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignora- muses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, M.W YORK. 43 on tin -ad condition of these sublunary wretches. \\. have endeavoured, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason, and the comforts of the moon. We have treated them to immtliluU hine,and draughtsof nitrous oxide, which they swallowed with incredible voracity, parti- cularly the females ; and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. \\ e have in-isted upon their renouncing the con- temptible -h.ickles of religion and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all-perfect i IK ri:y, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable per- fection. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy of the.-c- wretched savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and alxolut( ly set at nought the sublime doctrines of the moon; nay, among other abominable heresies, they even \\-nt so far as blasphemously to declare, that tlii- ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor Ii than green cheese !" At these words, the great man in the moon (being a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and, possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, specifying, " That whereas a certain crew of lunatics have lately discovered and taken possession of a newly - discovered planet, called the earth; and that whereas it i- inhabited \>\ none but a race of two-legged animals that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of under their arms, cannot talk the lunatic language, have two eyes instead of one, are destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-grei n ; therefore, and for a variety of other excellent reasons, they are coi,>idcred incapable of possessing any pro- perty in the plaint they infest, and the right and title 44 HISTORY OF to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from the darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough and absolute lunatics." In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philo- sophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives; and, when we are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and say, "Miserable barbarians ! un- grateful wretches! have we not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet? have we not fed you with moonshine? have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxide? does not our moon give you light every night? and, have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits?" But finding that we not only persist in abso- lute contempt of their reasoning, and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us with concen- trated sun-beams, demolish our cities with moon- stones; until, having by main force converted us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy in much the same manner as the reformed and enlightened savages of this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the in- hospitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South America. Thus, I hope I have clearly proved, and strikingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the pos- M.W YORK. 4-> session of this country; and thus is this gigantic ques- tion complett ly vanquished: so, having manfully sur- iiiouiitcil all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remain* but that I should forthwith conduct my readers into the city, which we have been so long in a in mm i lii-iciring? But hold before I proceed another step. I must pause to take breath and recover from tin excessive fatigue I have undergone, in pre- paring to beL'in this most accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of a renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill; but having run himself out of breath by the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. END OF BOOK FIRST. 46 HISTORY OF BOOK II. TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE (If JflEUW NEDEHLANDTS. CHAPTER I. In which are contained divers Reasons why a Man should not write in a hurry Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Dis- covery of a strange Country and how he was magnificently rewarded by the Munificence of their High Mightinesses. MY great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Herma- nus Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred yards to your left, after you turn off from the Boomkeys; and which is so conveniently constructed that all the zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there, to any other church in the city. My great-grandfather, I say, when em- ployed to build that famous church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of long pipes; then, having purchased a new spitting-box and a hundred-weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down and did nothing for the space of three months but smoke most labo- riously. Then did he spend full three months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging in the trekschuit from Rotterdam to Amsterdam to Delft to Haerlem to Leyden to the Hague, knocking his head, and break- ing his pipe against every church in his road. Then did he advance gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the identical spot whereon N 1 W YORK. 47 tin- church was to be built. Then did he spend three months longer in walking round it and round it; contemplating it, first from one point of view, and th v n from another; now would he be paddled by it on the canal ; now would he peep at it through a ti It Mope, from t lie other side of the Meuse ; and now would he take, a bird's-eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic windmills, which protect the gates of the citv. The good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience ; notwith- standing all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, not a symptom of the church was yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it would never be brought into the world, but that its great projector would lie down and die in labour of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occupied twelve good months in putting and puddling, and talking and walking, hav- ing tia\< ilcil o\er all Holland, and even taken a peep into 1 ranee and Germany: having smoked five hun- divd and ninety-nine pipes, and three hundred weight of the best Virginia tobacco; my great-grandfather gathen d together all that knowing and industrious . and laid the corner-stone of the church, in the pn sence of the whole multitude, just at the eoiiiini iiei inent of the thirteenth month. In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in \\riting this most authentic history. The honest Kottenlammers no doubt thought my great-grand- father was doing nothing at all to the purpose, while lie wa< making Midi a world of prefatory Itu-llc about the building of his elmreh ; and many of the inge- nious inhabitants of this fair city will unquestionably 48 HISTORY OF suppose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, population, and final settlement of Ame- rica, were totally irrelevant and superfluous ; and that the main business, the History of New York, is not a jot more advanced than if I had never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in their conjectures. In consequence of going to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious edifices in the known world ; ex- cepting that, like our magnificent capitol at Wash- ington, it w r as begun on so grand a scale that the good folks could not afford to finish more than the wing of it. So likewise, I trust, if ever I am enabled to finish this work on the plan I have commenced (of which, in simple truth, I sometimes have my doubts,) it will be found, that I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as exemplified in the writings of all the great American historians, and wrought a very large history out of a small subject, which now-a-days is considered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a Saturday morning, the five-and-twentitth day of March, old style, did that " worthy and irrecoverable discoverer (as he has justly been called,) Master Henry Hudson," set sail for Holland in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a north-west passage to China. Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hen- drick) Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the first to intro- duce it into Holland ; which gained him much popu- larity in that country, and caused him to find great NEW YORK. 49 favour in the eyes of their High Mightinesses, the lord- :ieral, and also of the honourable West India C'ompat.y. He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in those day-; to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighbourhood of his tobacco-pipe. II' wore a true Andrea Ferrara tucked in a lea- thern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his head. Hi was remarkable for always jerking uj> his breeches when Le gave out his orders, and his voice sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trum- pet, owing to the number of hard north-westers which he had swallowed in the course of his seafaring. Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so much, and know so little ; and I have been thus particular in his description, for the benefit of modern painters and statuaries, that they may repre- iiim as he was; and not, according to their com- mon custom, with modern heroes, make him look like r, or .Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvi- d( re. As chief mate and favourite companion, the com- modore chose Master Uolx rt Juet, of Limehouse, in Knirlatid. By some his name has been spelled Chewit, ami a-crilx (1 to the circumstance of his having been the first man that ever chewed tobaoco ; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy; more especially as certain of his progeny are living at this day, who write their names Juet. He was an old comrade and early schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring pond, when they were little boys; from whence it is said the commodore first derived his bias towards a seafaring life. Certain it is, that tint old people about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to I .50 HISTORY OF be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that would one day or other come to the gallows. He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a rambling heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the world meeting with more perils and wonders than did Sinbad the sailor, without growing a whit more wise, prudent, or ill-natured. Under every mis- fortune he comforted himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, that "it will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was skilled in the art of carving anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk-heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on board ship, in conse- quence of his playing pranks on every body around, and now and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick, when his back was turned. To this universal genius are we indebted for many particulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote a history, at the request of the commodore, who had an unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from having received so many floggings about it when at school. To supply the deficiencies of Master Juet's journal, which is written with true log-book brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions, handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accompanied the expedition in the capacity of cabin- boy. From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened in the voyage ; and it mortifies me exceedingly, that I have to admit so noted an expedi- tion into my work, without making any more of it. Oh ! that I had the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, Apollonius Rliodius, who, in his account of the famous Argonautic expedition, has the whole mythology at his disposal, and elevates Jason and his compeers into heroes and demigods, although all the NEW YORK. M world knows them to have bt < n a mere gang of sheep- >tcahi> on a marauding expedition; or that 1 had the privileges of Dan Homer and Dan Virgil, to enliven in y narration with giants and Lystrigonians; to enter- tain our honest mariners with an occasional concert of .-in us and mermaids and now and then with the raree->ho\\ i.f honest old Neptune and his fleet of fro- licsome cruisers. But, alas! the good old times have long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend upon this terraqueous globe, in their own proper per-on-, and play their pranks upon its wondering inhabitants. Suffice it, then, to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil the crew being a patient people, much given to Clumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the di-( ase of thinking a malady of the mind, which i> the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had lain in an abundance of gin and sour crout, and every man \\as allowed to sleep quietly at his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or three occasions, at certain un- nable conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus. f->r instance, he forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which was con- sidered among the most experienced Dutch seamen, as certain matk*r-br*edrt, or prognostics, that the w rather would change for the worse. He acted, moreover, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule of the Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night, put the helm aport, and turned in; by which precaution they had a good night's rest, w i iv sure of know ing where they were the next morn- ing, and -tc.nl but little chance of running down .1 continent in the dark. He likewi-e prohibited the seamen from wearing more than li\e jacket-, and -i\ pair of 1. mder pretence of n nderiii',' them Oa HISTORY OF more alert; and no man was permitted to go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his mouth, as is the in- variable Dutch custom at the present day. All these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment the constitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression ; they ate hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably; and, being under the especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely conducted to the coast of America; where, after sundry unimportant touchings and standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of September, en- tered that majestic bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom before the city of New York, and which had never before been visited by any European.* * True it is, and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain apocryphal book of voyages, compiled by one Hackluy t, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First by one Giovanni, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now, this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons. First, Because, on strict examina- tion, it will be found that the description given by this Verazzani applies about as well to the bay of New York as it does to my nightcap. Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Flo- rence ; and every body knows the crafty wile of these lose! Flo- rentines, by which they filched away the laurels from the brows of theimmortal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus,) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci; and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of the credit of discovering this beauteous island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, in- asmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprise; and, though all the proofs in the world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at nought, as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons NEW YORK. 53 It has been traditionary in our family, that when tin- great navigator was first blessed with a view of this enchanting island, lie was observed, for the first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment and admiration. He is said to have turned to .Master Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while he pointed towards this paradise of the new world "See! there!" and thereupon, as was always hi- u ay when he was uncommonly pleased, he did putt' out such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke that in one minute the vessel was out of sight of land, and M .-I r.lm t was fain to wait until the winds dispersed thi- impenetrable fog. It was indeed, as my great-great-grandfather used y though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might be expected, before I was born "It \\..-. indeed, a spot on which the eye might have r vi lied for ever, in ever new and never-ending beauties." The island of Manna-hata spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one above another, crowned with lul'ty trees of luxuriant growth; some pointing their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which were glo- riously transparent; and others loaded with a verdant burden of clambering vines, bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered with flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild brier, whose scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the deep green of the surrounding be not sufficient to satisfy every luirjjher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their \i-iii-r.il>l<- Hutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the- trouble of -iii^. Tims, thcrcl'tirc. the title of Hi-ndrick 1 1 ml <>n '" WMd discovery is fully vindicated. 54 HISTORY Of foliage; and, here and there a curling column of smoke, rising from the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise the weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow-creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the scene before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, issued from one of these glens, and, after contem- plating in silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in their whole lives. Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes and ate dried currants; how they brought great store of tobacco and oysters; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I shall say nothing; being that I consider them unimportant to my his- tory. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their seafaring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emp- tied into the bay. This river, it is said, was known among the savages by the name of the Shalemuck ; though we are assured, in an excellent little history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that it was called the Mohegan,* and Master Richard Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same; so that I very much incline in favour of the opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro- ceed, little doubting but it would turn out to be the much looked-for passage to China! The journal goes on to make mention of divers * This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map, as Man- hattan, Noordt, Montaigne, and Mauritius river. \V YORK. 55 intcrvit ws between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up the river; but as they would be impertim nf to n.y hi-tiiry, I shall pass over them in silence, i>t tin- following dry joke, played off by the old commodore ami his schoolfellow Robert Juet; which -iii-h \.i-t credit to their experimental philosophy, that 1 cannot refrain from inserting it. "Our master and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrcy, whether they had any treacherie in them. So th< y tooke them downe into the cabin, and gave them so much wine and acqua vitae that they were all inerrie; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey- w omen would do in a strange place. In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our ship all the time we had beene there, and that was strange to them, for they could not tell how to take it."* Having -.atisfied himself by this ingenious experi- ment, that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly n.\>ter-. \\ ho had no objection to a drinking- bout, and were very merry in their cups, the old com- modore chuckled hugely to himself, and, thrusting a double (juid of tobacco in his cheek, directed Master Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the university of n; which done, he proceeded on his voyage with great self-complacency. After sailing, however, above a hundred miles up the river, he found the \\att iv \\oiM around him began to grow more shallow and confined, the current more rapid, and perfectly fre-h phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which pu/./.led the holiest Dutchman pro- digioiuly. A consultation was therefore called; and, having deliberated full six hour-, they Mere brought * Juet's Jouni. I'urvh. Til. 56 HISTORY OF to a determination by the ship's running aground; whereupon they unanimously concluded, that there was but little chance of getting to China in that direc- tion. A boat, however, was despatched to explore higher up the river, which on its return confirmed the opinion : upon this the ship was warped off and put about with great difficulty, being, like most of her sex, exceedingly hard to govern; and the adventurous Hudson, according to the account of my great-great- grandfather, returned down the river with a prodi- gious flea in his ear! Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting to China, unless, like the blind man, he returned from whence he set out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith re-crossed the sea to Holland, where he was received with great welcome by the honourable East India Company, who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe with their ship; and, at a large and respectable meeting of the first merchants and burgomasters of Amsterdam, it \vas unanimously determined that, as a munificent reward for the eminent services he had performed, and the important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan should be called after his name ! and it con- tinues to be called Hudson river unto this very day. CHAPTER II. Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which floated, under the Protection of -St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island The Descent of the strange Animals therefrom A great Victory, and a Description of the ancient Village of Com- munipaw. THE delectable accounts given by the great Hudson and Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, NEW YORK. 57 excited not a little talk and speculation among the good people of Holland. Letters patent were granted liv govern mer.t to an association of merchants, called tin* \\ i >t India Company, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on which they erected a trading-house called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring tin- gnat city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial and colonizing enter- prises which took place; among which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name t<> Block Island, since famous for its cheese and shall barely confine myself to that which gave birth to thi> renowned city. It was some three or four years after the return of the immortal Hcndrick, that a crew of honest Low Dutch colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam for the shores of America. It is an irreparable loss to hi>tmy. and a great proof of the darkness of the .Hid the lamentable neglect of the noble art of hook-iiiakin< a captain>, and learned supercargoes, that an expedition so interesting and important in its results, should be passed over in utter silence. To my givat-j:reat-grandfather am I again indebted for the f < w facts I am enabled to give concerning it ; he having once more embarked for this country, with a full determination, as he said, of ending his days here, and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers that should rise to be great men in the land. The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or Good Woman, in compliment to tin wife of the president of the West India Company, who was allowed by everybody (^except her Im-band) to be a sweet-tempered lady, when not in liquor. It was in truth a most gallant 58 HISTORY OF vessel, of the most approved Dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, always model their ships after the fair forms of their countrywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet in the beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like the beauteous model, who was declared to be the greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most prodigious poop ! The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfor- tunes and shipwreck of many a noble vessel;) he, I say, on the contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a low broad-brimrned hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out of the harbour of the great city of Amsterdam ; and all the bells that were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple bob-major on the joyful occasion. My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voy- age was uncommonly prosperous; for, being under the especial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities unknown to common vessels. Thus, she made as much lee-way as head-way, could get along very nearly as fast with the wind ahead as when it was apoop, and was particularly great in a calm ; in con- sequence of which singular advantages, she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very few months, and NEW YORK. 59 came to anchor at tin- month of the Hudson, a little to the ea>t of ( iiblx t I-I;md.* Hi re lifting up their eyes they beheld, on what is at pn-si nt called the Jersey shore, a small Indian vil- nleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading rims, ;mtupid admiration at the Goede Vrouw. at \vas immediately despatched to enter into a treaty with them. ami. approaching the shore, hailed tin in through a trumpet in the most friendly terms; hut --o horribly confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language, that they one and all took to their -Mpered over the Bcrgcn hills, nor did they stop until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the marshe< <-n the other side, where they all miserably perished to a man, and, their bones being collected, and decently covered by the Tammany Society of that day, formed that singular mound called Jtriftli-xHiiki-'/u'//, which rises out of the centre of the salt marches, a little to the east of the Newark Caur-cway. Animated l>y this unlooked-for victory, our valiant |I.T.M< -prani: a-lmre in triumph, took possession of the soil as conquerors, in the names of their High Mightinesses the lords states-general, and, marching fearlessly forward, carried the village of Communi- /Htir by storm, notwithstanding that it was vigorously defended hy >ome half a -core of old squaws and pop- poo-e-. On looking about them they were so tran- sported with the exei lleucies of the place, that they had very little doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very spot whereon to * So culled, lu'causeone Joseph Andrews, a pirate and mur- ilrrt-r, w;is handed in chains on that island, the '2-'5rd May, 1769. 60 HISTORY OF settle their colony. The softness of the soil was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles; the swamps and marshes around them, afforded ample opportunities for the constructing of dykes and dams ; the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable to the building of docks; in a word, this spot abounded with all the requisites for the foundation of"a great Dutch city. On making a faithful report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that this was the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called by the Indian name Communipaw, As all the world is, doubtless, perfectly acquainted with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the present work; but my readers will please to recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to satisfy the present age, yet I write like- wise for posterity, and have to consult the understand- ing and curiosity of some half a score of centuries yet to come; by which time, perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the great Communipaw, like Baby- lon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct, sunk and forgotten in its own mud, its inhabitants turned into oysters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me, then, piously rescue from obli- vion the humble relics of a place, which was the egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New York! Communipaw is at present but a small village, * " Men by inaction degenerate into oysters." KAIMES. NEW YORK. 61 by th.- name of Pavonia,* and com- mamU a LMVMid prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided \nu have a fair wind, and may be dis- tinct: in the city. Nay, it is a well-known tact, which I can testify from my own experience, that on a clear, still summer evening, you may hear from the 1) itt.'ry of New York, the obstreperous peals of the broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at Coinmunipaw, who, like most other negroes, are tani'Hi- I'm- th ir ri.-ibl" powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings; when it is remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the neighbourhood of this city, that tii'-y always laugh loudest; which he attri- but- s to the circumstance of their having their holi- day clothes on. The- . in fact, like the monks in the dark >ssall the knowledge of the place; and, being infinitely moiv adventurous and more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent v.iya^es to town in canoes loaded with oys- huttcrmilk, and cabbages. They are great astro- l"<_rers, predicting the different changes of weather almo-t a- !y as an almanac; they are, more- over, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles: in whistling, they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus liis lyre; for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or before the waguon, will budge a foot until li" hears the w< 11-known wlii-tle of his black driver and companion: and, from their amazing skill in casting upaceunt< upon their fingers, Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country f \tfiiJing from about Hoboken to Amboy. 62 HISTORY OF they are regarded with as much veneration as were the disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred quaternary of numbers. As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their immediate neighbourhood ; so that they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions of this dis- tracted planet. I am even told that many among theqi do verily believe that Holland, of which they have heard so much from tradition, is situated some- where on Long Island; that Sjjiking-decil and the Narrows, are the two ends of the world; that the country is still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses; and that the city of New York still goes by the name Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, at the only tavern in the place, which bears, as a sign, a square-headed likeness of the prince of Orange; where they smoke a silent pipe by way of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweep- ing the British channel, with a broom at his mast- head. Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so many strongholds and fa-tnesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch fore- fathers have retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. The dress of the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from father to son; the identical broad-brimmed hat, broad- skirted coat, and broad-bottomed breeches, continue from generation to generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver are still in wear, that S I W YORK. made such gallant display in the days of the patriarchs of Commuuipaw. The language, likewise, continues unadultcrati d by barbarous innovations ; and, so criti- cally con-ret is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, that hi- reading of a Low Dutch psalm has much the same t licet on the nerves as the filing of a hand-saw. CHAPTER III. In which is set forth the true Art of making a Bargain together with the miraculous Escape of a great Metropolis in a Fog and the Biography of certain HeroesofCommunipaw. II \\ i M;. in the trifling digression which concluded tin lu-t chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of New York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother scttl< ment, and having given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, 1 return, with a soothing sentiment <>i -elf-approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon n inl'orced by fiv-li importations from Holland, the in nt \\< nt jollity on, increasing in magnitude and pro.-perity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually took place betwein tin-in and the new comers. "The Indians much given to long t.dks, and the Dutch to long \ silence; in this particular, then fore, they accommo- dated each other completely. The chiefs would make long speeches about the big bull, the wabash, and the great .-pirit. to which the otheis would listen very attentively, .-moke their pipes, and grunt yah myn-her; when at the MHT -a vagi - weiv Wi.ndn>u-l\ delighted. They instructed the new stttl. -r> in the: best art of curing and smoking tobacco. \\ hile tin- latter in return 64 HISTORY OF made them drunk with true Hollands and then learned them the art of making bargains. A brisk trade for furs was soon opened; the Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians were often puzzled by the great disproportion between bulk and weight; for, let them place a bundle of furs never so large, in one scale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam; never was a package of furs known to weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw! This is a singular fact; but I have it direct from my great-great-grandfather, who had risen to consi- derable importance in the colony, being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on account of the uncom- mon heaviness of his foot. The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended under the general title of the Nieuw Nederlandts; on account, as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands; which indeed was truly remark- able, excepting that the former were rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a commission from Dale, Governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson river, and demanded their submission to the English crown and Virginia domi- nion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and reasonable men. NEW YORK. 65 It docs not appear that the valiant Argal molested tin settlement of Communipaw; on the contrary, I am told tint when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell t -mi. king their pipes with astonishing vehe- mence. iii>oumrh that they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their beloved village, and overhung the fair regions of I'avunia ; so that the terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch set- tlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all tlii> pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have continued to smoke almost without intermission unto this very day; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog that often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon. Upon the departure of the enemy, our magnanimous ancestors took full six months to recover their.wind, having been exceedingly discomposed by the conster- nation and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of saf.-ty to smoke over the state of the province. After. six months more of mature deliberation, during which nearly five hundred words were spoken, and almost as much tobacco was smoked as would have served a certain modern general through a whole winter's campaign of hard drinking, it was determined to fit out an armament of canoes, and despatch them on a voyage of discovery, to search if peradventure some more sure and formidable position might not be found, where the colony would be less subject to vexatious visitations. This perilous eutei prise was entrusted to the superin- tendence of Mynheers Olotl'e Van Kortlandt, Abraham Elardeobroeck, Jacobus Van /amlt, and \Vinant Ten 66 HISTORY OF Broeck four indubitably great men; but of whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this occasion much surprise, for adventurers, like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity in their own countries ; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and offscourings of a country are invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how convenient it would be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves descended from a god ; and who never visited a foreign country, but what they told some cock-and-bull stories about their being kings and princes at home. This venial trespass on the truth, though it has occasionally been played off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner, in ou land of good-natured credulity, has been com- pletely discountenanced in this sceptical matter-of-fact age. And I even question whether any tender virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched with a bantling, would save her character at parlour firesides and evening tea parties, by ascribing the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river god. Thus, being denied the benefit of mythology and classic fable, I should have been completely at a loss as to the early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their origin from their names. From this simple means have I been enabled to gather some particulars concerning the adventurers in question. Van Kortlandt, for instance, was one of those peripatetic philosophers, who tax Providence for a livelihood, and, like Diogenes, enjoy a free and unin- cumbered estate in sunshine. He was usually arrayed NEW YORK. 67 in garments suitable to his fortune, being curiously fringed and Tangled by the hand of time; and was helmeted with an old fragment of a hat, which had acquired the shape of a sugar-loaf; and, so far did he- carry his contempt for the adventitious distinction of (1 rt-s. that it is said, the remnant of a shirt, which covered his buck, and dangled like a pocket handker- chief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed, except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this garb was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noonday, witli a herd of philosophers of the same sect, on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility of Europe, he took hisnameof Kortlandt (or Lark-land) from his landed estate, which lay somewhere: in Terra Incognita. Of the next of our worthies, mfght I have had the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of which I hu\e just lamented, I should have made honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious pedigree with the proudi -4 IK TO of antiquity. His name was Van '/.nmli. which, bring freely translated, signifies from the dirt, meaning, beyond a doubt, that like Tripto- lt iiuis, Tin-mis the Cyclops, and the Titans, he sprung from dame Terra, or the earth! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of mother earth were of a gigantic stature; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall raw- boned man, above six feet high, with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Xamlt a whit more improbable or repugnant to belief, than what is related and universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest men, who, we are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill! ( M'tlie third hero, but afaint description ha* readied to this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy, F2 68 HISTORY OF obstinate, burly, bustling little man ; and, from being usually equipped with an old pair of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck, or Tough Breeches. Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incom- patible with the gravity and dignity of history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have been nicknamed from the most whimsical part of his dress. In fact, the small-clothes seems to have been a very important garment in the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing, in all probability, to its really being the largest article of raiment among them. The name of Ten Broeck or Tin Broeck is indifferently translated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches : the High Dutch commentators incline to the former opinion, and ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wearing ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant and inge- nious writers on the subject declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches; from whence they infer, that he was a poor but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who was the identical author of that truly philosophical stanza: " Then why should we quarrel for riches, Or any such glittering toys ? A light heart and thin pair of breeches Will go through the world, my brave boys!" Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct this voyage into unknown realms; and the whole was put under the superintending care and direction of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was held in great reverence among the sages of Communipaw, for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. Having, as I before observed, passed a great part of his life in the open air, NEW YORK. 69 among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam, he had become amazingly well acquainted with the aspect of the heavens, and could as accurately determine when a storm was brewing or a squall rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about his ears. He was, moreover, a great seer of ghosts and goblins, and a firm believer in omens: but what especially recom- mended him to public confidence, was his marvellous talent of dreaming ; for there never was any thing of consequence happened at Communipaw, but what he declared he had previously dreamt it; being one of those infallible prophets that always predict a thing after it has come to pass. This supernatural gift was as highly valued among tin- burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the en- lightened nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than his waking momenta for all his subtle achievements, and seldom undertook any great exploit, without first soundly sleeping upon it; and the same may truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly deno- minated Oloffe the Dreamer. This cautious commander, having chosen the crews that should accompany him in the proposed expedition, exhorted them to repair to their homes, take a good night's rest, settle all family affairs, and make their wills, before departing on this voyage into unknown realms. And, indeed, this last was a precaution always taken by our forefathers, even in after times, when they became more adventurous, and voyaged to Ilaverstraw or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far country that lay beyond the great waters of the Tappaan Zee. 70 HISTORY OF CHAPTER IV. How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-gate, and how they were received there. AND now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on the tin weathercocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the year, when Nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old Winter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand charms, into the arms of youthful Spring. Every tufted copse and blooming grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love. The very insects, as they sipped the dew that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium ; the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of nan dissolved away in tenderness. Oh ! sweet Theo- critus! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian plains; or, oh! gentle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much delighted; then might I attempt to sing in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene: but having nothing, save this jaded goose-quill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; comforting myself with the hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet may it commend itself, with virgin modesty, to his better judgment, clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth. No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into the windows of Communipaw, than the little NEW YORK. 71 settlement was all in motion. Forth issued from his ra-tle the sage Van Kortlandt, and, seizing a conch- shell, III, u a tar-resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did they trudge reso- lutely (lii\vii to tin- waterside, escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the common phrase expresses it, "to see them off." And this shows the antiquity of those long family pro- eessjons, often seen in our city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band-boxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, about to de- part for home in a market-boat. The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of throe canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly been the jolly-boat of theGoede Vrouw. And now, all being embarked, they bid farewell to the LM/.ing throng upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even when out of hearing, wish- ing tin in a happy voyage, advising them to take good care of themselves, not to get drowned with an abundance other of those sage and invaluable cau- tions generally given by landsmen to such as go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon the deep waters. In the mean while, the voyagers cheerily ur^i-d their course across the crystal bosom of the t>ay, and soon left behind them the green shores of ancient i'avonia. And first they touched at two small islands which lie nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are said to havi lircn brought into existence about the time of the u'lvat irruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the Highlands, and made its way to the ocean.* For in this tremendous uproar of the waters, It is a m.ittcr long siiu-e established by certain of our phi- losophers, tbat is to say, having been oftcu advanced, aud never 72 HISTORY OF we are told that many huge fragments of rock and land were rent from the mountains, and swept down, by this runaway river, for sixty or seventy miles; where some of them ran aground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and formed the identical islands in question, while others drifted out to sea, and were never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of the fact is, that the rock which forms the basis of these islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands ; and, moreover, one of our philosophers, who has dili- gently compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, has even gone so far as to assure me, in con- fidence, that Gibbet Island was originally nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's Nose.* Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted by Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They would by no means, however, land upon this island, since they doubted much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which in those days did greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan country. Just at this time, a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides in the sun, and spouting up the briny element in sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage Oloffe contradicted, it has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson was originally a lake, dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and, after a violent struggle, effected its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very remote time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of running up hill. The foregoing is a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully give it my belief. * A promontory in the Highlands. NEW YORK. 73 mark this, than ho was greatly rejoiced. " This," .inicd he, "if I mistake not, augurs well; the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish, a burgomaster aninriLT tishes ; hi-; looks betoken ease, plenty, and pro-perity; I greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying, he directed his squad- ron to steer in the track of these aldermen fishes. Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up the strait, vulgarly called the East River. And here the rapid tide which courses through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch, that the good commodore, who had all his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy navigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that they were in the hands of some super- natural power, and that the jolly porpoises were tow inic them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all their wishes and expectations. Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled that boisterous point of land, since called C'oi U-ar's Hook,* and, leaving to the right the rich winding cove of the Wallabout, where our infant navy is now-a-days put out to nurse, they drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were looking around them, on what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld, at a distance, a crew of painted savages, busily employed in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this romantic region, their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating surface of the bay. Properly spelt hoeck, i. e. a point of land 74 HISTORY OF At sight of these, the hearts of the heroes of Coru- munipaw were not a little troubled. But, as good fortune would have it, at the bow of the commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hen- drick Kip (which, being interpreted, means chicken ; a name given him in token of his courage.) No sooner did he behold these varlet heathens than he trembled with excessive valour ; and, although a good half-mile distance, he seized a musquetoon that lay at hand, and, turning away his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. The blundering wea- pon recoiled, and gave the valiant Kip an ignomi- nious kick that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in the bottom of the boat. But such was the effect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore. This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy voyagers ; and, in honour of the achievement, they gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay; and it has continued to be called KIP'S BAY, from that time to the present. The heart of the good Van Kortlandt, who, having no land of his own, was a great admirer of other people's, expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich unsettled country around him, and, falling into a delicious revery, he straight- way began to riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and interminable patches of cabbages. From this delectable vision he was all at once awak- ened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; where they accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights of Bellevue, that happy retreat where our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city, and NEW YORK. . 75 fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic solem- nities. Here, seated on the green sward, by the side of a small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they n-froliftl thrrnselves after the toils of the seas, by ft ;i-tiiiir lu-tily on the ample stores which they had prnviilfil for this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their deliberative powers, they fell into an earnest consultation, what was further to be done. This was the first council-dinner ever eaten at Belle- vue by Christian burghers; and here, as tradition relates, did originate the great family feud between the Harden broecks and the Tenbroecks, which after- wards had a singular influence on the building of the city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose eyes had been wondrously delighted with the salt marshes that spread their reeking bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to return thither, and found the intended city. This was strenuously opposed by the unbending Tenbroeck, and many testy arguments passed between them. The parti- culars of this controversy have not reached us, which i- < vcr to be lamented; this much is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to the dispute, by determining to explore still further in the route which the myste- rious porpoises had so clearly pointed out; whereupon tin -timly Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took possession of a neighbouring hill, and, in a fit of great wrath, peopled all that tract of country, which has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unti) this very day. By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin spo'-ting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down the decli\ity of the heavens; and now, the tide havinjr onee more turned in their favour, the n>olute I'uvonians again committed themselves to its 76 HISTORY OF discretion, and, coasting along the western shores, were borne towards the straits of Blackwell's Island. And here the capricious wanderings of the current occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious mariners. Now would they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point, would wind deep into some romantic little cove that indented the fair island of Manna-hatta; now were they hurried narrowly by the very bases of im- pending rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape-vine, and crowned with groves that threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel, and wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firnia was giving them the slip. Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared to check the delicious wildness of Nature, who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills, now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars, (vain, upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion!) were then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the graceful elm; while here and there the tulip-tree reared his majestic head, the giant of the forest: where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury, villas half-buried in twilight bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city swain, there the fish-hawk built his solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked his watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along those shores now hallowed by the lover's moonlight walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; and a savage solitude extended over those happy regions, NEW YORK. 77 where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the Sclit nnerhornes and the Rhinelanders. Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and unknown .scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory, that strutted forth boldly into the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they brawled against its base. This is the bluff well kaowa to modern mariners by the name of Gracie's Point, from the fair castle which, like an ele- phant, it carries upon its back. And here broke upon their vi< \v a wild and varied prospect, where land and were beauteously intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten and set off each other's charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of Black- well's Island, dressed in the fresh garniture of living green ; beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sunds\\ick, and the small harbour well known by the name of Hal let's Cove a place infamous, in latter days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who infe>t tliese seas, robbing orchards and water-melon patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators, when _ f ing in their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed \\ith forests, and forming a kind of vista, through which were beheld the sylvan regions of Haerleni, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the , ( -posed \\ith delight on a richly-wooded country, diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines of upland, swelling above each other; while over the whole, the purple mists of spring dif- fused a hue of soft voluptuousness. Just before them the grand course of the stream, making a sudden bend, wound among embowered promontories and shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A character of gen- tleness and mild fertility prevailed around. The sun 78 HISTORY OF had just descended, and the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the charms which it half concealed. Ah! witching scenes of foul delusion! Ah! hap- less voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean shores! Such, alas! are they, poor, easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a wicked world: treacherous are its smiles! fatal its caresses! He who yields to its enticements launches upon a whelm- ing tide, and trusts his feeble ;.bark among the dim- pling eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the worthies of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene before them, drifted quietly on, until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agi- tation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling current began to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a scene of direful con- sternation; at one time they were borne with dread- ful velocity, among tumultuous breakers, at another hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous rocks! more voracious than Scylla and her whelps;) and anon they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. All the elements combined to produce a hideous con- fusion. The waters raged, the winds howled, and, as they were hurried along, several of the astonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighbour- ing shores driving through the air! At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tremen- dous whirlpool called the Pot, where it was whirled A- YORK. 79 about in giddy mazes, until the senses of the good commander and his crew were overpowered by the horror of the scene, and the strangeness of the revo- lution. How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched from the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been truly made known ; for so many survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more wonderful, told it in so many different ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety of opinions on the subject. As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to their senses they found themselves stranded on the Long Island shore. The worthy commodore, indeed, used to relate many and wonderful stories of his adventures in this time of peril, which, by his account, did far exceed those of the sage Ulysses, in tlic stiaits of Charybdis. For he saw spectres flying in the air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the Pot when they were whirled around, and found the water scalding hot, and beheld several uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks, and skimming it with huge ladles; but particularly he declared, with great exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises, which had betrayed them into this peril, < broiling on the gridiron, and others hissing in the frying-pan. These, however, were considered by many as mere phantasies of the commodore's imagination, while he lay in a trance; especially as he was known to be :i to dreaming; and the truth of them has never been clearly ascertained. It is certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe and his followers may be traced the various traditions handed down of this marvellous -trait; as how the devil has been seen there, sitting astride of the Hog's Hack and playing on the fiddle; how lie bmiU fi.-h there before a storm; 80 HISTORY OF and many other stories, in which we must be cautious of putting too much faith. In consequence of all these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave this pass the name of Helle-gat, or, as it has been interpreted, Hell-gate;* which it continues to bear at the present day. CHAPTER V. How the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser than they went and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream and the Dream that he dreamed. THE darkness of night had closed upon this disas- trous day ; and doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavonians, whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging of the elements, and the howling of the hob- goblins that infested this perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the horrors of the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, breakers, and whirl- pools had disappeared; the stream again ran smooth and dimpling, and, having changed its tide, rolled * This is a narrow strait in the sound, at the distance of six miles above New York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care of skilful pilots, hy reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. These have received sundry appella- tions, such as the Gridiron, Fryingpan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c. ; and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. Certain wise men, who instruct these modern clays, have soft- ened the above characteristic name into Hurl-yate, which means nothing. I leave them to give their own etymology. The name, as given by our author, is supported by the map in Van- der Donck's history, published in 1656; by Ogilvie's History of America, 1671 ; as also by a journal still extant, written in the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard^s State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of various altera- tions in names about this city, observes, " De Hell-gat, trou d'Enfer, ils out fait Hell-gate, porte d'Enfer." V YORK. 81 ly back, towards tin.- quarter where lay their uuirli-r< _;;, tit d home. Tin- woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other \\itli rueful countenances; their squadron had be. n t..-..lly dispersed by the late disaster. Some u. iv ru-t upon tin- westein shore, where, headed by Kulcti' Hopper, they took possession of all the country lying about the six-milestone; which is held by the Hoppers at this present writing. The \Valdrons were driven by stress of weather to u di.-tant (>,(>(, where, having with them a jug of genuine Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the Betting up a kind of tavern; from whence, it is .-aid, di aether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on the waves, like a merman, until he landed >afely on a rock, where he was found the next nn.niing, busily drying his many breeches in the nuMhioe. I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our adventurers how they determined that it would not do to found a city in this diabolical neighbourhood, and how at length, with fear and trembling, they ven- i once more upon the briny element, and steered their eour-M- back for Communipaw. Sniiice it, in simple bie\ity. to say, that after toiling | );ic k through ol' tni-ir yt >terd.i\ '< \oyage, they at length iliern point of .Manna-hata, and gained a dUiant vie\\ of their beloved Communipaw. And here they were opposed by an ob>tinatc eddy, 82 HISTORY OF that resisted all the efforts of the exhausted mariners. Weary and dispirited, they could no longer make head against the power of the tide, or rather, as some will have it, of old Neptune, who, anxious to guide them to a spot whereon should be founded his strong- hold in this western world, sent half a score of potent billows, that rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kort- landt high and dry on the shores Manna-hata. Having thus, in a manner, been guided by a super- natural power to this delightsome island, their first care was to light a fire at the foot of a large tree, that stood upon the point at present called the Battery. Then gathering together great store of oysters, which abounded on the shore, and emptying the contents of their wallets, they prepared and made a sumptuous council repast. The worthy Van Kortlandt was ob- served to be particularly zealous in his devotions to the trencher; for, having the cares of the expedition especially committed to his care, he deemed it incum- bent on him to eat profoundly for the public good. In proportion as he filled himself to the very brim with the dainty viands before him, did the heart of this excellent burgher seem to rise up towards his throat, until he seemed crammed and almost choked with good eating and good nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat, that he may more truly be said to speak from it, and his speeches abound with kindness and good fellowship. Thus, the worthy Oloffe having swallowed the last possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a manner dilating with unbounded benevolence. Every thing around him seemed excellent and de- lightful; and, laying his hands on each side of his capacious periphery, and rolling his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity of land and water H- YORK. 83 < him. lie exclaimed, in a fat, half-smothered voice, ' What a charming prospect!" The words d'n-d away in his throat, he seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment, his eyelids heavily closed their orbs, his head drooped upon his bosom, he >l->wly sunk upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gradually upon him. Ami the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream; and lo! tin- good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, in that st-lf-same waggon wherein he brings his yearly presents to children; and he came and adi-d hard l>y where the heroesof Communipaw had made their late repast And the shrewd Van Kortlandt knew him by his broad hat, his long pipe, and the resemblance which he bore to the figure on tin IIDU- of the Goede Vrouw. And he lit his pipe by tin- tin-, and he sat himself down and smoked; and as lie smoked, the smoke from his pipe ascended into tlu air, and spread like a cloud overhead. And the sag.- Olotf'e b< thought him, and he hastened and climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and that the smoke spread over a great extent of eountry; and, as he considered it more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed a ry of marvellous forms, where, in dim obscurity, u shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty spires, all which lasted but a moment, and then f'adi d awa\ . until the whole rolled off, and nothing but the i woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twisted it in his hatband, and, laying his finger beside his nose, gave the- astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look; then, mounting hi.- waggon, he returned over the tree-tops and uned. I Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly instructed, and he aroused his companions and related 84 HISTORY OF to thein his dream: and interpreted it that it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should settle down and build the city here. And that the smoke of the pipe was a type how vast should be the extent of the city; inasmuch as the volumes of its smoke should spread over a vast extent of country. And they all with one voice assented to the interpretation, excepting Mynheer Tenbroeck, who declared the meaning to be, that it should be a city wherein a little fire should occasion a great smoke, or, in other word?, a very vapouring little city; both which interpretations have strangely come to pass! The great object of their perilous expedition, there- fore, being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, where they were received with great rejoicings. And here, calling a general meeting of all the wise men and the digni- taries of Pavonia, they related the whole history of their voyage, and of the dream of OlofFe Van Kort- landt. And the people lifted up their voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas, and, from that time forth, the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more honour than ever for his great talent at dreaming, and was pronounced a most useful citizen and a right good man when he was asleep. CHAPTER VI. Containing an Attempt at Etymology and of the Foundation of the great City of New Amsterdam. THE original name of the island, whereon the squadron of Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown, is a matter of some dispute, and has already undergone considerable vitiation a melancholy proof V YORK. 85 of the instability of all sublunary things, anil tin vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame; for who can t his name will live to posterity, when even the- name* of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contra- diction and uncertainty ! The name most current at the present day, and which is likewise countenanced by the great historian Vander Donck, is Mnnhattan; which is said to have ' originated in a custom among the squaws, in the early :m ut. of wearing men's hats, as is still done among in any tribes. " Hence," as we are told by an old governor, \\ho was somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a century since, and had paid a \ins, written by Master Richard Blome, in 1687;* wherein it is called Manhadaes and Mana- hanent: nor must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious matter, of that authentic historian, John .L.-M-lyii, Gent.,f who expressly calls it Man- A not her etymology still more ancient, and sanc- tioned l>y the countenance of our ever-tobe"-lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found in certain letters still at. \ which pa-M-d between the early governors and the neighbouring powers, wherein it is called in- differently. Monhattoes, Munhatos, ;md Manhattoes, which are evidently unimportant variations of the This history is to be found in the library of the New York i Society, t Idem. J N : s Col. Stat Pap. 86 HISTORY OF same name; for our \vise forefathers set little store by those niceties, either in orthography or orthoepy, .which form the sole study and ambition of many learned men and women of this hypercritical age. This last name is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed to make this island his favourite abode, on account of its un- common delights. For the Indian traditions affirm, that the bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and golden fish, in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered with every variety of fruits and flowers; but that the sudden irruption of the Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario. These, however, are fabulous legends, to which very cautious credence must be given ; and although I am willing to admit the last-quoted orthography of the name, as very suitable for prose, yet is there another one, founded on still more ancient and indisputable authority, which I particularly delight in, seeing that it is at once poetical, melodious, and significant: and this is recorded in the before-mentioned voyage of the great Hudson, written 'by Master Juet; who clearly and correctly calls it MANNAHATA; that is to say, the island of Manna, or, in other words, " a land flowing with milk and honey !" It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire should be transferred from the green shores of Pavonia to this delectable island, a vast multitude embarked and migrated across the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who was appointed protector or patron to the new settlement. And here let me bear testimony to the matchless honesty and magnanimity of our worthy forefathers, who purchased the soil of the native Indians, before erecting a single roof; a circumstance singular and \ YORK. 87 -t incredible in tin.- annals of discovery and colo- nization. Tlu- fir-t settlement was made on the south-west point of tin' i.-laml, on the very spot where the good St. 'las had iijipi aivd in the dream. Here they built a mighty and impregnable fort and trading-house, called 1'ort Amsterdam, which stood on that eminence at present occupied by the custom-house, with the npc.il .-pace now called the Bowling-green, in front. Around this potent fortress was soon seen a nume- rous progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled roofs, all which .M fined most lovingly to nestle under its walls, like a brood of half-fledged chickens sheltered undor the wings of the mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure of strong palisado- guard against any sudden irruption of the savages who U red in hordes about the swamps and forests, that extended over those tracts of country at present called Broadway, Wall--treet, William-street, and Pttii-tfan No sooner was the colony once planted than it took .ind throve amazingly; for it would seem that this thrice-favoured island is like a munificent dunghill, wh< re evi-ry foreign weed finds kindly nourishment, and soon -hoots up, and expands to greattn And now tin- infant settlement having advanced in age and stature, it was thought liiirli time it should receive an honest Christian, name; and it was accord- ingly called New Amsterdam. It is true there wen- advocates for the original Indian name; and many of the best writer-* of the province did long continue .11 it by the title of "The Manlmttoes;" but this was discountenanced by the authorities, as being lieatlu iii-h and >avage. Besides, it was considered an excellent and praiseworthy measure to nai .iv of the Old World; ashy that means HISTORY OF it was induced to emulate the greatness and renown of its namesake, in the manner that little snivelling urchins are called after great statesmen, saints, and worthies, and renowned generals of yore : upon which they all industriously copy their examples, and come to be very mighty men in their day and generation. The thriving state of the settlement, and the rapid increase of houses, gradually awakened the good Oloffe from a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after the building of the fort. He now began to think it was time some plan should be devised, on which the in creasing town should be built. Summoning, there- fore, his counsellors and coadjutors together, they took pipe in mouth, and forthwith sunk into a very sound deliberation on the subject. At the very outset of the business, an unexpected dif- ference of opinion arose; and I mention it with much sorrowing, as being the first altercation on record in the councils of New Amsterdam. It was a breaking forth of the grudge and heartburning that had existed between those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Ten- broeck and Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had waxed very wealthy and powerful, from his domains, which embraced the whole chain of Aptilean mountains that stretch along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages, by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes. An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and intersected by canals, after the manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Hardenbroeck was diametrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof, that they should run out docks and wharfs, by means of piles driven into the bottom of \V YORK. 89 the river, on winch the town should be built. "By tin >r meaiK." said he, triumphantly, " shall we rescue a considerable space of territory from these immense rivers, and (mild a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Veniee, or any amphibious city in Europe." To this proportion Tenbroeck (or Ten Breeches) replied, witli a look of as much scorn as he could possibly ne. He ca-t the utmost censure upon the plan of his antagonist, a- being preposterous, and against tin- very order of things, as he would leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said he, " is a town without canals? It is like a body without veins and arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the vital Huid." Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry-boned habit; he remarked, that as to the circulation of the blood being necessary \Mence, Mynheer Ten Breeches was a living adiction to his own assertion; for every body knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through his wind-dried carcass for good ten years, and yet tlit re \\a-~ not a L'lvatcr busy-body in the whole colony. nalities have seldom much effect in making convert^, in argument; nor have I ever seen a man inced of error by being convicted of deformity. At least, such was not the case at present. Ten ktaeeehei \\..~ v. ry acrimonious in reply, and Tough Mivechcs, who was a sturdy little man, and never MJI the la-t v\ ord, rejoined with increasing spirit; Ten Mr. reh. i l,ad the advantage of the greatest volu- bility, but TouiJi Mneehes had that invaluable coat of mail in argument, called obstinacy. Ten Mrcecln > had, then fore, tin nm-t mettle, but Tough Breeches the bot bottom ; so that though Ten Mr. . eli.< made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and battered and bi laboured him with hard \\oids and sound argument.-, 90 HISTORY OF yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all argu- ments where both parties are in the right, without coining to any conclusion ; but they hated each other most heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of Capulet and Montague did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. - I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires that I should be particular; and, in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period when our city, like a young twig, first received the twists and turns that have since contributed to give it the present picturesque irregularity for which it is cele- brated, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes. After the unhappy altercation I have just men- tioned, I do not find that any thing further was said on the subject, worthy of beingrecorded. The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the com- munity, met regularly once a-week, to ponder on this momentous subject; but either they were deterred by the war of words they had witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains: certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained ; the question, as usual, lay on the table; the members quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever en- forcing any; and in the mean time the affairs of the settlement went on as it pleased God. As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of combining pothooks and hangers, they determined, most judiciously, not to puzzle either themselves or posterity with voluminous records. The secretary, however, kept the minutes of the NEW YORK. 91 cil with tolerable precision, in a large vellum folk), fastened with massy brass clasps; the journal of UK i ting consisted but of two lines, stating, in Dutch, th.it the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes on UK- affairs of the colony;" by which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate their time by hours but pipes in the same manner as they measure distances in Holland at this very time; an admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth ; rue-born Dutchman is never liable to those acci- ilents and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks out of order. In this manner did the profound council of New enhuu smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month to month, and year to year, in what maiiiK-r they should construct their infant settlement: .while, tin town took care of itself, and, like a iv brat which is suffered to run about wild, un- shackled by clouts and bandages, and other abomina- . liv which \our notable nurses and sage old women cripple ,.ud dis-figure the children of men, increased so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that re tin- honest burgomasters had determined upon a plan, it ua- too late to put it in execution; where- upon they widely abandoned the subject altogether. CHAPTER VII. How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the Pro- tection of Oloffe the Dreamer. Tm.ui. i> MJincthing exceedingly delusive in thus looking back, through the long vista of departed 1 catching a glimp.-e of the fairy realms of antiquity that lit- beyond. Like some goodly land- 92 HISTORY OF scape melted into distance, they receive a thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces and excellences of its own creation. Thus beam on my imagination those happier days of our city, when as yet New Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and willows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. In those days did this embryo city present the rare and noble spectacle of a community governed without laws; and thus being left to its own course, and the fostering care of Providence, increased as rapidly as though it had been burdened with a dozen panniers full of those sage laws that are usually heaped on the backs of young cities, in order to make them grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of human nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer, and his fellow legislators. For my part, I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many of my brother philosophers; I do not think poor human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as they would make it out to be; and, as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to him- self, would about as readily go right as wrong. It is only this eternally sounding in his ears, that it is his duty to go right, that makes him go the very reverse. The noble independence of his nature revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law, and the perpetual interfe- rence of officious morality, which is ever besetting his path with finger-posts and directions to " keep to the right, as the law directs;" and, like a spirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gallops through mud and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. V YORK. 93 And the>e opinions are amply substantiated by what I have a!>ovt> s:iid of our worthy ancestors, who, IK M i beini; be-preached and be-lectured, and guided and nied by statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened descendants, did one and all demean tin mselv, -honestly and peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in other words because they knew no iMftftl Nor nm-t I omit to record one of the earliest meaMiies of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the pi.-fy of our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they were always ready to serve God, after they liad first served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves down, and provided tor their o\vn comfort, they bethought themselves ft -.tifymi; their gratitude to the great and good 'or his protecting care in guiding them to this delectable abode. To this end they built a i:id goodly chapel uithin the fort, which they d to his iiuiiic; whereupon he immediately the town of N, \ v Amsterdam under his peculiar pain.nairc, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly \\ill ever IH-, the tutelar saint of this excellent I am. moreover, told that there is a little legendary where extant, written in Low Dutch, which tu.it the imairv of this renowned saint, which whilom, graced the I, ,\v>| )r it of the Goede Vrouw, 'ed in front of this chapel, in the very centre ;at - ' ii"l ni died the Bowling-green. the le-e I1( | further treats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in hi> inoiitli ; a whitf of which \v;i> a sovereign cure for an ii]dip-ti.,n an invaluuMe relic in thi- colony lirave treiiehenneii. As, however, in spite of the l|il: - h, I cannot lay my hand- upon this 94 HISTORY OF little book, I must confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the subject. Thus benignly fostered by the good St, Nicholas, the burghers of New Amsterdam beheld their settle- ment increase in magnitude and population, and soon become the metropolis of divers settlements, and an extensive territory. Already had the disastrous pride of colonies and dependencies, those banes of a sound- hearted empire, entered into their imaginations ; and Fort Aurania on the Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort Goede Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to be the darling offspring of the vene- rable council.* Thus prosperously, to all appearance, did the province of New Netherlands advance in power; and the early history of its metropolis pre- sents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the tangled forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled part of the island; the hunter pitched his rude bower of skins and bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady glens, while here and there might be seen, on some sunny knoll, a group of Indian wig- wams, whose smoke rose above the neighbouring trees and floated in the transparent atmosphere. By degrees a mutual good-will had grown up between these wan- * The province, about this time, extended on the north to Fort Aurania or Orange (now the city of Albany,) situated about 160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence; but this claim wasnot much insisted on at the time, as the country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness. On the south the province reached to Fort Nassau, on the south river, since called the Delaware ; and on the east it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) river, now the Connecticut. On this last frontier was likewise erected a fort and trading- house, much about the spot where at present is situated the pleasant town of Hartford. This was called Fort Goede Hoep (or Good Hope,) and was intended as well for the purpose of trade, as of defence. M U \ORK. 95 ings and the burghers of New Amsterdam. Our benevolent Ion-fathers endeavoured as much as Mr to anirlionitr their situation, by giving them gin, ruin, and glatory of Master Ogilvie, who till- us, that "for the least offence the bride- indly beats his wife, and turns her out of . and man-ir- aiiotln-r, insomuch that some of tin-in ha\r i-Vi-ry y< ar a new wife." Whether this awful example had any influence or not, history does not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmothers .nir:irlr > of fidelity and obedience. Tru. it i-, that the good understanding between our ancr-t'ix and their savage neighbours was liable to i interruptions; and I have heard my grand- motln r. who was a vt rv wise old woman, and wrll d in the hi-tory of the.-c parts, tell a long stoi _, , 96 HISTORY OF of a winter's evening, about a battle between the New Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was known by the name of the Peach War, and which took place near a peach orchard, in a dark glen, which, for a long while, went by the name of Murderer's Valley. The legend of this sylvan war was long current among the nurses, old wives, and other ancient chro- niclers of the place ; but time and improvement have almost obliterated both the tradition and the scene of battle ; for what was once the blood-stained valley is now in the centre of this populous city, and known by the name of Dey-street. The accumulating wealth and consequence of New Amsterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened the tender solicitude of the mother country ; who, finding it a thriving and opulent colony, and that it promised to yield great profit and no trouble, all at once became wonderfully anxious about its safety, and began to load it with tokens of regard, in the same manner that your knowing people are sure to over- whelm rich relations with their affection and loving- kindness. The usual marks of protection shown by mother- countries to wealthy colonies were forthwith mani- fested ; the first care always being to send rulers to the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as much revenue from it as it will yield. Accordingly, in the year of our Lord 1629, Mynheer WOUTER VAN TWILLER was appointed Governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and con- trol of their High Mightinesses, the lords states- general of the United Netherlands, and the privi- leged West India Company. This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Am- sterdam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when Dan Apollo seems to % I \v \i)KK. *'7 daiico up the transparent tinuainont; when the robin, tin- thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters, inakt- tlir \\ix.d- to rt'souud with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows ; all which happy eoinci- oYnct 's ]n TMi;ulcd the old dames of New Amsterdam. \\ IID \\civ .^killed in the art of foretelling events, that thi> \\as to be a happy and prosperous administra- tion. Hut, as it would be derogatory to the consequence of the first Dutch Governor of the great province of Nii-inv Nc di rlandts, to be thus scurvily introduced at tin- riid of a chapter, I will put an end *o this second hook of my history, that I may usher him in with more dignity in the beginning of my next. END OF BOOK SECOND. 38 HISTORY Of BOOK III. IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN HKTGS OP WOCTEK TWILLER. CHAPTER I. Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled Virtues as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in the Law Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker and the great Admiration of the Public thereat. GRIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the history of his native land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the mournful page is watered with his tears : nor can he recall the most prosperous and blissful era, without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that it has passed away for ever I I know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the simplicity of former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart incident to all sentimental histo- rians; but I candidly confess that I cannot look back on the happier days of our city, which I now describe, without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a falter- ing hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion, that veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors, and, as their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before the mighty shades. Such are my feelings when I revisit the family man- sion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the chamber where hang the portraits of my V YORK. 99 fun fathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent. With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned burghers, who have preceded me in the steady march of existence; whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my vein-, tiowin i\ I to myself, are but frail memorials oi the mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs; but who, alas ! have long since mouldered in that tomb, towards which my steps are inserisibK and irresistibly hastening! As I pace the darkened chamber, and lone myself in melancholy musings, the shadowy imaL'i > an>un children ; but doomed to wander negl. through tho.-e crowded >t reels, and elbowed by foreign irts I'rom those lair abodes where once thine anee-t in ii' 11 -", , K i-jn empire! Li t mi- not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor .-niter the doling recollections of age to overcome me, while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous day- of the patriarch*, on those sweet days of sim- plicity and ( se which never more will dawn on the i-!.iiii of Manna-hatu! The renowned \Vouter ( or Walter) Van Twiller ndeil from a lonj; line of Dutch bn master-, who had .>ucces>ively dozed a\\:>\ liieir i; It j' i0 HISTORY OF and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rot- terdam; and who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety, that they were never either heard or talked of; which, next to being universally applauded, should be the object of ambi- tion to all sage magistrates and rulers. His surname of Twiller is said to be a corruption of the original Twijjier, which in English means doubter; a name admirably descriptive of his delibe- rative habits. For, though he was a man shut up within himself like an oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables, yet did he never make up his mind on any doubtful point. This was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who affirmed that he always con- ceived every subject on so comprehensive a scale, that he had not room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it; so that he always remained in doubt, merely in consequence of the astonishing magnitude of his ideas. There are two opposite ways by which some men get into notice; one by talking a vast deal and thinking a little, and the other by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a vapouring superficial pretender acquires the reputa- tion of a man of quick parts; by the other, many a vacant dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be complimented, by a discerning world, with all the attributes of wisdom. This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutch- man, for he never said a foolish thing; and of such invincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even to smile, through the course of a long and prosperous life. Certain, however, it is, there never was ^ORK. 101 a Blatter proposed, however simple, and on which your ((minion narrow-minded mortals would rashly deter- mine at the first glance, but what the renowned Wouter put on a mighty mysterious vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and, having smoked tor five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagely \. (1, that "he had his doubts about the matter:" which, in process of time, gained him the character of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed on. The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in height, and >ix feet five inches in circumference. Hi< head was a perfect sphere, far excelling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who was thence waggishly called fichenocefjhfilu.1, or onion-head:) indeed, of sneli stupendous dimensions was it, that dame Nature In Tvrlf, \\ith all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puz/.lei! to construct a nock capable of supporting it: wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between the should' r-: u here it remained, as snugly bedded as a -hip of war in the mud of the Potowmac. His body "fan oblong form, particularly capacious at bot- tom; which was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very M to the idle labour of walking. His h u r -. though exceeding short, were sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain; so that when erect he had not a little the appearance of a robustious heer- barrel, standing on skid^. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast expanse, pel fcetly unfurrowed or deformed by any of th<>-e lines and anules which di-fii;uiv the human countenance with HISTORY OF what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude, in a hazy firmament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll of every thing that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple. His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and- twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller; a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares and per- plexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had even watched, for at least half a century, the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his head with any of those numerous theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed his brain in accounting for its rising above the sur- rounding atmosphere. In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced Timmerman of Amsterdam, and cu- riously carved about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagles' claws. Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this statelv chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee, with a constant motion, and fixing his eye, for hours together, upon a little VORK. 103 j>rint of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame ist the opposite wall of the council-chamber. Nay, it has even been said, that when any delibera- tion <}' i xtraordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned \\outer would absolutely shut his \ i - for full two hours at a time, that he might not bo disturbed by external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced l>v eertuin regular guttural sounds, which his ad- mirers declared were merely the noise of conflict made by his contending doubts and opinions. It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts respecting him were .iiti red and vague, and divers of them so ques- tionable in point of authenticity, that 1 have had to '_ r ivf up the search after many, and decline the ad- mission of -till more, which would have tended to heighten the colouring of his portrait. I ha\e been the more anxious to delineate fully the ui and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from tlii- consideration that he wa not only the first, but a!-o the best governor that ever presided over this ::t and re-prctable province; and so tranquil and benevolent wa< his reign, that I do not find through- out the whole of it, a single instance of any offender being brought to punishment ; a most indubitable sign of a merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, : L'vernor of I'.arataria, was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave Mattering presage of a wise and J04 HISTORY Of equitable administration. The very morning after he had been solemnly installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a pro- digious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by the appear- ance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller. as I have already observed, was a man of few words : he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writ- ings, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a mighty spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth either as a sign that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story he called unto him his constable, and, pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box, as a warrant. This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true believers. The two parties, being confronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled any but a high Dutch commen- tator, or a learned decipherer of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and, having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word ; at length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his M:U YORK. 10 j for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe {'nun lii> mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and, with marvellous gravity and -oh miiity, pronounced, that having carefully counted "\i i tin I' .IMS and weighed the books, it was found, that uiie \\a.< ju^t as thick and as heavy as the other ; therefore it wa> the final opinion of the court, that the account- were equally balanced therefore Wan- die .-honld give Baretit a receipt, and Barent should \\ 'an die a receipt and the constable should pay tin- costs. This decision being straightway made known, dif- fiiM-d general joy throughout New Amsterdam; for the people immediately perceived that they had a v. ry u i-e and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was, that not another law-suit took place throughout the whole of his administra- tion ; and the office of constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province lor many years. I am the more parti- cular in dwelling on this transaction, not only be- cause I deem it one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of mo.lern magistrates, but because it was a miracu- 1'iux i-vent in the history of the renowned Wonter being the only time he was ever known to come to a decision in the whole course of his life. 106 HISTORY OF CHAPTER II. Containing some Account of the grand Council of New Am- sterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical Reasons why an Alderman should be fat with other Particulars touching the State of the Province. IN treating of the early governors of the province, I must caution my readers against confounding them, in point of dignity and power, with those worthy gen- tlemen who are whimsically denominated governors in this enlightened republic ; a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are, in fact, the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the community ; doomed to bear the secret goadings and corrections of their own party, and the sneers and revilings of the whole world beside; set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority vested in all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were, in a manner, absolute despots in their little domains, lord- ing it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to none but the mother country ; which, it is well known, is astonishingly deaf to all complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty of their station squeezing out a good revenue. This hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and incre- dulity, whenever, in the course of this authentic his- tory, they encounter the uncommon circumstance of a governor acting with independence, and in opposi- tion to the opinions of the multitude. To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of legislation, a board of magistrates was ap- pointed, which presided immediately over the police. NEW YORK. 107 lx>d\ consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers between those of the present mayor and sheriff"; five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen: and live schepens, who officiated as scrubs, sub-devils, or bottlcrhnlders to the burgermeesters, in the Mime manner as do assistant-aldermen to their principals at the present day; it being their duty to till the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to
  • tood, though not specifically enjoined, that they should con.-ider themselves as butts for the blunt wit* of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes; but this last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days as it is at tit, and was shortly remitted, in consequence of the tr.iuical death of a fat little schepen, who actually died of suffocation, in an unsuccessful effort to force a laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes. In return for these humble services, they were per- mitted to say yes and no at the council-board, and to have that envialile privilege, the run of the public kitchen : bi in in i~r, discord, and disturbance: and surely none are moiv likely to study the public tranquillity than tlio>r who are so careful of their own. Who hears of fat nun heading a riot, or herding iier in turbulent mobs? No, no; it is your lean, huiitrry mi n. who are continually worrying society, ami Betting the whole community by the ears. The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi- ciently attended to by philosophers of the present age, allos to c vt ry man three souls; one immortal aiKt rational, >< atcd in the brain, that it may overlook and n gulate the body; a second consisting of the surly and irascible passions, which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart; a third mortal and ial. destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its prop. nd nehaiiied in the belly, that it may M.-turl; the iliviue soul by its ravenous howlings. N >\v. a< cording to this excellent theory, what can be more clear than tliat your fat alderman is most likely to have the most regular and well-conditioned mind? Hi- luad is like a huge spherical chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the rational soul lies Mii'tly i.nd snugly couched, as on a feather- bed; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed-chamber, are usually half-closed, that its slumber- ing- may not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus romli.i tahly lodged, and protected fn.ni disturbance, is manitt >tl\ most likely to perform its functions with n u'ulaiity and ease. By dinl of g feeding, moreover, the mortal and malignant MMI!, which is routined in the belly, and w hick by its racing and roaring, puts the initabl. soul in the n. iuhl hood of the heait in an intoh rable pax-ion, and thus 110 HISTORY OF renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put to rest: whereupon a host of honest good-fellow qualities, and kind-hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slily peeping out of the loopholes of the heart, finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm, disposing their possessor to laughter, good humour, and a thousand friendly offices towards his fellow mortals. As a board of magistrates, formed on this model, think but very little, they are the less likely to differ, and wrangle about favourite opinions; and, as they generally transact business upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore (a pitiful measure, for which I can never forgive him) ordered in his cartu- laries, that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the morning on an empty stomach ; a rule which, I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane generation of the present day have taken an opposite course, and have so managed that the aldermen are the best fed men in the community ; feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their transactions are pro- verbial for unvarying monotony; and the profound laws which they enact in their dozing moments, amid the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never enforced when awake. In M W YORK. Ill a word, your fair round-bellied burgomaster, like a full-fell mastiff, dozes (juicily at the house-door, alway-i at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety: but as to elect ins? a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would ;;> lit (' j)ut a greyhound to watch the house, or a race-horse to drag an ox- waggon. The burgomasters, then, as I have already men- tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assistant-aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them to eat; but the latter, in the course of time, when they had been fed and fattened into suHicicnt bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, me \. iv eligible candidates for the burgomaster's chair; having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly blue-nosed, skimmed milk, New England eh- ese. Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between the renowned Wouter and these liis worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of our modern corporations. They would sit for hours smoking and dozing over public affairs, without speaking a word to interrupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settlement waxed vigor- ous apace, gradually emerging from the swamps and t'ore-N. and exhibiting that mingled appearance ol town and country, cu.-toiuary in new cities, and which at this day may lie witnessed in the city of \Va: tin- \eiv words of learning, education, and talents were unheard of; a bright genius in animal unknown, a blue-stocking lady would ha\e In . ;) regard i d with as much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon. No man, in fact, sr< ined to know more than hi- n ighbour, nor any man to know much more than an honest man ought to know, who ha- nobody's business to mind but his own; the "ii and the council-clerk were the only men th it could read in the community, and the sage Van Twiller always signed his name with a cross. Thrice happy and ever-to-be-en\ ied little burgh! existing in all tlie security of harmless insignificance: unnoticed and unenvicd by the world; without ambi- tion, without vain-glory, without riches, without learn- ing, and all their train of earking cares; and as of . in better days of man, the deities were wont to vi-it him on earth, and bless his ruial habitations, so M, in the silvan day- of Ne\v Air-tcidam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his ap: I 114 HISTORY OF ance in his beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the tree-tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent pre- sents from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the chimneys of his favourites; whereas, in these degenerate days of iron and brass, he never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night in the year, when he rattles down the chimneys of the descendants of the patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the children, in token of the degeneracy of the parents. Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat government. The province of the New Nether- lands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquil- lity, that wealth could never purchase. It seemed, indeed, as if old Saturn had again commenced his reign, and renewed the days of primeval simplicity. For the golden age, says Ovid, was totally destitute of gold, and for that very reason was called the golden age, that is, the happy and fortunate age ; because the evils produced by the precious metals, such as avarice, covetousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, note-shaving, lottery-insuring, and the whole cata- logue of crimes and grievances, were then unknown. In the iron age there was abundance of gold; on that very account it was called the iron age, because of the hardships, the labours, the dissensions, and the wars, occasioned by the thirst of gold. The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller, therefore, may truly be termed the golden age of our city. There were neither public commotions, nor private quarrels; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; neither prosecutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were there counsellors, attorneys, catchpoles, or hang- men. Every man attended to what little business he^was lucky enough to have, or neglected it if he NEW YORK. 115 pleased, without n*king the opinion of his neighbour. In those days nobody meddled with concerns above his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs; nor neglected to correct his own con- duct, and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pit (- thf characters of others; but, in a word, every respectable citizen ate when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost, whether he were sleepy or not; all which tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I am told (very dutiful wife throughout New Amster- dam made a point of always enriching her husband with at least one child a-year, and very often a brace: thi* supcralmndanceof good things clearly constituting tin- true luxury of life, according to the favourite Dutch maxim, that " more than enough constitutes a least." Kvery thing, therefore, went on exactly as it should do; and, in the usual words employed by histo- rians to express the welfare of a country, " the pro- founde-t trintifmllity and repose reigned throughout the province." CHAPTER III. How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of Mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite together with a Pic- ture- of our Cireat-great-graiidtutliers. M \Mini. i) are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened literati who turn over the pages of his- tory. Some there be whose hearts are brimful of the 1 of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam, with untried valour, like a barn I < f new cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from under i -2 116 HISTORY OF the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of readers can be satisfied with nothing but bloody battles and horrible encounters; they must be continually storm- ing forts, sacking cities, springing mines, inarching up to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ardent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair- breadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all those asto- nishing narrations that just amble along the boundary- line of possibility. A third class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skim over the records of past times, as they do over the edifying pages of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, execu- tions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, murders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, that, like Cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of history; while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to investigate the operations of the human mind, and watch the gradual changes in men and manners, effected by the progress of knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influ- ence of situation. If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for awhile, and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw; and I promise them, that as soon as I can possibly light upon any thing horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard but I will make it afford them entertainment. This KEW YORK. 117 being premised, I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my readers, who are men, or, if pos- sible, women alter my own heart; grave, philosophical, and investigating; fond of analyzing characters, of taking a >tart from first causes, and so hunting a nation down through all the mazes of innovation and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the first development of the newly-hatched colony, and the primitive manners and customs pre- valent among its inhabitants during the halcyon reign of Van Twilleror the Doubter. I will not grieve their patience, however, by de- scribing minutely the increase and improvement of New Amsterdam. Their own imaginations will doubt- less present to them the good burghers, like so many pains-taking and persevering beavers, slowly and MI rely pursuing their labours; they will behold the prosperous tran-formation from the rude log-hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof; from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage-garden; and from the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will picture to themselves the steady, silent, and umi( viating march to prosperity, incident to a city ute of pride, or ambition, cherished by a fat rnmeiit, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. The sage council, as has been mentioned in a pre- ceding chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for the building of their city, the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their particular charge, and, as they went to and from pasture, esta- bli-hed paths through the bushes, on each side of which the good folks built their houses; which is one cause of the rambling and picturesque turns and laby- rinths, which distinguish certain streets in New York at this very day. Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous par- 118 HISTORY OF tisans of Mynheer Ten Breeches (or Ten-broeck,) vexed that his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a compromise with their inclinations, by esta- blishing themselves on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which meandered through various parts of the ground laid out for improvement. To these may be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad- street; which originally was built along a creek, that ran up to what at present is called Wall-street The lower part soon became very busy and populous ; and a ferry house* was in process of time established at the head of it; being at that day called " the head of inland navigation." The disciples of Mynheer Tough Breeches, on the other hand, no less enterprising, and more industrious than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore of the river, and laboured, with unexampled perse- verance, in making little docks and dykes, from which originated that multitude of mud-traps with which this city is fringed. To these docks would the old burghers repair, just at those hours when the falling tide had left the beach uncovered, that they might snuff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and mire; which they observed had a truly wholesome smell, and reminded them of the canals of Holland. To the indefatigable labours and praiseworthy examples of this latter class of projectors, are we indebted for the acres of artificial ground, on which several of our streets in the vicinity of the rivers are built; and which, if we may credit the assertions of several learned physicians of this city, have been very effica- cious in producing the yellow fever. * Thishousehas been several times repaired, and at present is a small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad-street, with the gable end to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three or four years, a little iron ferry-boat officiated as a weathercock. NEW YOKK. 119 The houses of the higher class were generally con- structed of wood, excepting the gable-end, which was of small Mark and yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced on the street; as our ancestors, like their de- acendants, were very much given to outward show, and imtrd for putting the best leg foremost. The house was alway* furnished with abundance of large doors and small windows on every floor; the date of it.s erection was curiou>ly designated by .iron figures on the front: and on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, to let the family into the important secret, which way the wind blew. These, like the weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed so many different ways, that every man could have a w iud to his mind; and you would have thought old /Eolus had set all his bags of wind adrift, pell- mell, to gambol about this windy metropolis; the most stanch and loyal citizens, however, always went accord- ing to the weathercock on the top of the governor's . w liich was certainly the most correct, as he had a trusty servant employed every morning to climb up and point it whichever way the wind blew. In tlio>e good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion for cleanliness was the leading principle in dome-tie economy, and the universal test of an able hou.-ewife: a character which formed the utmost ambi- tion of our unenlightened grandmothers. The front door was never opened except on marriages, funerals, new-year'-; days, the festival of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. It was ornamented with a gor- geous brass knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes into the device of a utloeating crowds, nor brilliant drawing-rooms, nor towering feathers, nor Jing diamonds, nor immeasurable trains. I can detail no choice anecdotes of scandal, for in those primitive times the simple folk were either too stupid 122 HISTORY OF or too good-natured to pull each other's characters to pieces; nor can I furnish any whimsical anecdotes of brag; how one lady cheated, or another bounced into a passion ; for as yet there was no junto of dulcet old dowagers, who met to win each other's money, and lose their own tempers at a card-table. These fashionable parties were generally confined to the higher classes, or noblesse; that is to say, such as kept their own cows, and drove their own waggons. The company commonly assembled at three o'clock, and went away about six, unless it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark. I do not find that they ever treated their company to iced creams, jellies, or syllabubs; or regaled them with musty almonds, mouldy raisins, or sour oranges, as is often done in the present age of refinement. Our ancestors were fond of more sturdy, substantial fare. The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in gravy. The company being seated around the genial board, and each fur- nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces of this mighty dish, in much the same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the table was graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches and pears; but it was always sure to boast of an enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough-nut, or oly koeks: a delicious kind of cake, at present scarce known in this city, excepting in genuine Dutch families. The tea was served out of a majestic Delft tea-pot, ornamented with paintings of fat little Dutch shep- herds and shepherdesses, tending pigs, with boats NEW YORK. 123 sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their adroitness in reple- nishing this pot, from a huge copper tea-kettle, which would have made the pigmy macaronies of these de- generate days sweat, merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup, and the company alternately nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a >hrcwd and economic old lady, which was, to suspend a large lump directly over the tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from mouth to mouth ! an ingenious expedient, which is still kept up by some families in Albany, but which prevails, without exception, in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat- Husli, and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. At these primitive tea parties the utmost propriety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquettiiiLT: no gambling of old ladies nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones; no self-satis- fied strutt ings of wealthy gentlemen, with their brains in their pockets; nor amusing conceits, and monkey diverti-M-inents of smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings; nor ever opened their lips, excepting to say, yah Mynheer or yuh i/n \ route, to any question that was asked them; behaving, in all things, like decent well-edu- cated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in con- templation of the blue and white tilws, with which the h're-pl.iees were decorated; wherein sundry passages of scripture were piously portrayed : Tobit and his doir figured to great atl vantage; Hainan swung con- i'Hi>ly on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most 124 HISTORY OF manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of fire. The parties broke up without noise and without confusion. They were carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep a waggon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door; which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should it at the present : if our great-grandfathers approved of the custom, it would argue a great want of reverence in their descendants to say a word against it. CHAPTER IV. Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the Days of Walter the Doubter. IN this dulcet period of my history, when the beau- teous island of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very counterpart of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest sim- plicity prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I even able to depict, would be but little understood by the degenerate age for which I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, the grey-beard customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and indeed behaved almost as if they had not been sent into the NEW YORK. 125 world to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and con- found the uni\er-r. Tln-ir hair, untortured by the abominations of art, . -uloiisly pomatumed back from their fore- heads \\ith ;i (audit-, and covered with a little cap of t tticoats of linsey-woolsey were striped with a \ arii t Y of gorgeous dyes, rivalling the many-coloured tliough I must confess these gallant garment- \\ < re rather short, scarce reaching below the knee: but then they made up in the number, which rally equalled that of the gentlemen's small-clothe!; and. \\!iat i> -till more praiseworthy, they were all of their own manufacture; of which circumstance, as may well be snppo-ed. they were not a little vain. Tin se were the honest days in which every woman I at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets; ay, and that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patch- work into many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, in fact, were convenient lade-, \\ here all good housewives carefully stored av.ay si.ch tiling- a- they wished to have at hand; by which means they often came to be incredibly crammed: and 1 n member there was a story current when I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twilleronce had occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a leu ladle, and the utcn-il was discovered lying among some rubbish in one corner; but we must not give t(M) much faith to all these stories, the anecdotes of thesi- remote periods being very subject to ex- ition. - these notable pocket*, they likewise wore id pincushion- -u-pended from their girdles by red ri hands, or. among the more opulent and -Imuy classes, by brass and even silver chain-; indubitable thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. 126 HISTORY OF I cannot say much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of blue worsted with magnificent red clocks; or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, and a neat though serviceable foot, set off by a high- heeled leathern shoe, with a large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery. From the sketch here given, it will be seen, that our good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of a fine figure, from their scantily dressed descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than would have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the less admired by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in proportion to the magnitude of its object; and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a low Dutch sonnetteer of the province to be radiant as a sun- flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Cer- tain it is, that in those days the heart of a lover could not contain more than one lady at a time; whereas the heart of a modern gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen; the reason of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies smaller; this, however, is a question for physiologists to deter- mine. But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, no doubt, entered into the consideration of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in A YORK. 1:27 those day> her only fortune; and she who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kuuitschatka damsel with a store of hi ar-skins, or a Lapland In lie with a plenty of rein- d< IT. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display tin -se powerful attractions to the greatest ad- vantage; and the best rooms of the house, instead of being adorned with caricatures of dame Nature in water-colours and needlework, were always hung round with abundance of homespun garments, the manufacture and the property of the females ; a piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses of our Dutch villages. Such were the beauteous belles of the ancient city of New Amster- dam, rivalling in primeval simplicity of manners the renowned and courtly dames, so loftily sung by Dan Homer; \\li.i tells us that the princess Nausicaa wa-hcd the family linen, and the fair Penelope wove her own petticoats. Tlie gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of tiie gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in mo>t particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smile.- they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their im-i.t- would make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of a modern fair; they neither drove their curricles nor sported their tandems, tin a- \et thoe gaudy vehicles were not even dreamed of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the table, and tin ir consequent iviicoiitiv.- \s itli watchmen ; for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the night, \ soul throughout the town being in full MHMV before nint: o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims to gt -utility at the expense of their tailors, for t those offenders against the pockets of society. 128 HISTORY OF and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in New Amsterdam; every good housewife made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey galligaskins. Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of what is called fire and spirit; who held all labour in con- tempt; skulked about docks and market-places; loi- tered in the sunshine; squandered what little money they could procure at hustle-cap and chuck-farthing; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neigh- bours' horses; in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been unfortunately cut short by an affair of honour with a whipping-post. Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gen- tleman of those days: his dress, which served for both morning and evening, street and drawing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large brass buttons. Half a score of breeches heightened the proportions of his figure; his shoes were decorated by enormous copper buckles; a low-crowned broad-brimmed hat overshadowed his burly visage, and his hair dangled down his back in a prodigious queue of eel-skin. Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart; not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of the true Delft manufacture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant Cowpen tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down before the for- NEW YORK. 129 . and rarely failed, in the process of time, to ie the fair enemy into a surrender upon honour- able ti nn<. Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, celebrated in many a long-forgotten song as the real goldt iie rest being nothing but counterfeit coppt r-\\ ashed coin. In that delightful period a sweet and holy calm reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace; the substantial solace of his domestic cares, after her daily toils were dour, sat soberly at the door, witli her arms crossed her apron of snowy white, without being insulted by ribald -t reel- walkers or vagabond boys, those unlucky urchins who do so infest our streets, display- ing under the roses of youth the thorns and briers of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeche>, and the damsel with petticoats of half a score, indulged in all the innocent endearments of virtnou- love, without fear and without reproach; tor what had that virtue to fear which was defended by a >lii( Id of good linsey-woolseys, equal at least to vi-n tall-hide* of the invincible Ajax? Ah! blissful, and never-to-be-forgotten age! when every thing \vas better than it has ever been since, or will be again; when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry at low water; when the shad in the Hudson all -.dmon; and when the moon shone with a pun and resplendent whiteness, instead of that melan- choly yellow light, which is the consequence of her :iiir_' at the abominations she every night \\it- netses in this degenerate city. Happy would it have been for New Amsterdam eould it alua\N have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity : but, alas! the days of childhood are too sweet to la-t! Citio. like men, grow out of them in time, and are doomed alike to K 130 HISTORY OF grow into the bustle, the cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate himself when he beholds the child of his bosom, or the city of his birth, increasing in magnitude and importance; let the history of his own life teach him the dangers of the one, and this history of Manna-hata convince him of the calamities of the other. CHAPTER V. In which the Reader is beguiled into a delectable Walk, which ends very differently from what it commenced. IN the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing month of September, I took my customary walk upon the battery, which is at once the pride and bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of New York. I remem- ber well the season, for it immediately preceded that remarkably cold winter, in which our sagacious corpo- ration, in a freak of economical philanthropy, pulled to pieces, at an expense of several hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts which had cost them several thousand, and distributed the rotten fragments, which were considerably less than nothing, among the shiver- ing poor of the city. Never, since the fall of the walls of Jericho, or the heaven-built battlements of Troy, had there been known such a demolition; nor did it go unpunished : multitudes were blinded in vain attempts to smoke themselves warm with this chari- table substitute for firewood; and an epidemic com- plaint of sore eyes was moreover produced, which has since recurred every winter, particularly among those who undertake to burn rotten logs, who warm them- selves with the charity of others, or who use patent chimneys. NEW YORK. 131 On the ye ir ami month just designated, did I take my accustomed walk of meditation on that same bat- \vhich, though at present no battery, furnishes tin- most delightful walk, and commands the noblest prospect in the whole known world. The ground oil which I trotl was hallowed by recollections of the past ; aii'l, a.- 1 .-lowly wandered through the long alley of poplars which, like so many birch brooms standing on end, diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our fathers. Where the government-house by name, but the custom-house by occupation, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilome stood tin low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the reno\\ nrd Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to nl foe; but, like many a whiskered warrior _,dla:it militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone; alas! those threatening bulwarks liad long since been sapped by time, and, like the walls ge, presented no traces to the inquiring eye of tin- antiquarian. The mud breast-works had long Ix IMI ]e\cllcd with the earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery; win iv tiit- gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, anil tlu- laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale of love into tin- half-averted ear of the sentimental chamber- maid. Tin- capacious bay still presented the same e\|>aiiM\e>hrrti >f \\ater. studded with inlands, sprinkled with ti -I i ing-boats, and bounded by shores of pie- tun sque beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed these shores had been violated by t hand of cultivation, and tlieir tangled mu/t-. and impt- net rablc thickets had i l^'enciated into let ininr orchards 132 'HISTORY OF and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now covered with fortifications, enclosing a tremendous block-house; so that this once peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world ! For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of thought; contrasting, in sober sadness, the present day with the hallowed years behind the mountains; lamenting the melancholy progress of improvement, and praising the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of venerable cus- toms, prejudices, and errors, from the overwhelming tide of modern innovation ; when by degrees my ideas took a different turn, and I sensibly awaked to an enjoyment of the beauties around me. It was one of those rich autumnal days which Heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna-hata and its vicinity; not a floating cloud obscured the azure firmament; the sun, rolling m glorious splendour through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch countenance into an un- usual expression of benevolence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city, which he delights to visit with his most bounteous beams; the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest they should -ruffle the tranquillity of the hour; and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror, in which Nature beheld herself and smiled. The standard of our city, which, like a choice hand- kerchief, is reserved for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag-staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic churn; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen, which, like the tongues of the immor- tal sex, are seldom still, now ceased to vibrate to the NEW YORK. 133 breath of heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the embrasures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to fight the battles of their country on the next 4th of July; the solitary drum on Governor's Island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels; the evening gun had not yet sounded its signal, for all the regular, weU-iurauing poultry throughout the country, to go to roost ; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while unmolested, in the soft mud of their native banks! My own feelings sympathized with the conta- gious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed upon one of those fragments of benches, which our benevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit of convalescent loungers, had not the extraordinary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance. In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, my attention was attracted to a black speck, peering above the western horizon, just at the rear of Bergen >le: gradually it augments and overhangs the woulil-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are starting on the course of nee, and jostling each other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows from the high * ttli-meiiN .f \V -t -hawk quite to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by the sagacity of our police, for the einlru r;imcnt of commerce; now it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, like sire billows, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and hail and tempest in iu Imsom. The earth seems agitated at the confusion of tin: heavens; the late waveless mirror 134 HISTORY OF is lashed into furious waves, that roll their broken surges in hollow murmurs to the shore; the oyster- boats, that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the shore; the late dignified, unbending poplar, writhes and twists before the merciless blast; descending torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery- walk 1 ; the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant maids, and little Frenchmen, with their pocket hand- kerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm ; the late beauteous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling back, into one vast turmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy to yourself, oh reader ! the awful combat sung by old Hesiod, of Jupiter and the Titans; fancy to yourself the long rebellowing artillery of heaven, streaming at the heads of the gigantic sons of earth. In short, fancy to yourself all that has ever been said or sung of tempest, storm, and hurricane, and you will save me the trouble of describing it. Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains, who march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed, also, to know the reason why I intro- duced this most tremendous and unheard-of tempest, to disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. The panorama view of the battery was given, merely to gratify the reader with a correct description of that celebrated place, and the parts adjacent; secondly, the storm was played off, partly to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers from falling asleep; and partly to N):\V TORK. 135 serve as a preparation, or rather an overture, to the tempestuous times that are about to assail the pacific proviner of Nieuw Nederlandts, and that overhang tin- -Imii'iM-roiis administration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced play- wright puts, all the fiddles, the French horns, the kettle-drums, and trumpets of his orchestra in requisi- tion, to uslior in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars, called melo-draines ; and it is thus he dis- charges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and salt- petre, preparatory to the raising of a ghost, or the mur- dering of a hero. We will now proceed with our history. Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the contrary, I am of opinion, that as to nations, the old maxim, that " honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have answered well enough in the honest times when it was made; but in these degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely iy upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare omethin^ like an honest man among thieves, who, unless he have something more than his honesty to :nl upon, stands but a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such, at least, was the case with the guileless government of theNew Netherlands; which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled it.-elf down into the city of New Amsterdam, as into a snug elbow-chair, and fell into a comfortable nap; whil.- in the meantime its cunning neighbours stepped in and pirked it* pockets. Thus may we ascribe the commencement of all the woes of this great province, and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil security, or, to -pi-ak more accurately, to the unfortunate hone-ty of its government. Hut, as I dislike to begin an important part of my history towards the end of a chapter, and as my nailers, like myself, must doubt- leal be fatigued with the long walk we have taken, 136 HISTORY OP and the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and, having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in the next chapter. CHAPTER VI. Faithfully describing the ingenious People of Connecticut and thereabouts Showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a curious Device among these sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a Harmony of Intercourse, and promote Population. THAT my readers may the more fully comprehend the extent of the calamity, at this very moment im- pending over the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I should give some account of a horde of strange barbarians, bordering upon the eastern frontier. Now, so it came to pass, that many years previous to the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or rather, a religious turnpike, in which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion taking care to pay the toll- gatherers by the way. Albeit, a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given to indulge their own opinions on all manners of subjects (a propensity exceedingly ob- noxious to our free governments of Europe,) did most presumptuously dare to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what they considered a natural and unextinguishable right the liberty of conscience. As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of mind which always thinks aloud ; which, in a NEW YORK. 137 manner, rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever galloping into other people's ears, it naturally followed that their liberty of conscience likewise im- plied liltrrtif <>f speech; which, being freely indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, and aroused the piou< indignation of the vigilant fathers of the church. The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, that in those days were considered so efficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, tlu-y were coaxed, they were admonished, they were menaced, they were buffeted; line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were exhausted without mercy, and without success; until at length the worthy pastors of the church, wearied out by their unparalleled stub- bornness, were driven, in the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and literally In-aped live embers on their heads." Nothing, hnuever, could subdue that invincible spirit of independence which has ever distinguished this singular race of people; so that, rather than submit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all finbai ked for the \vilderne>s of America, where they might enjoy unmolested the inestimable luxury of talking. No sooner did they land on this loquacious soil than, as if they had caught the disease from the climate, they all lifted up their voices at once, and for the -pace of one whole year did keep up such a joyful clamour, that v\r are told they frightened every bird and beast out ol'the neighbourhood, and so completely dumb-founded ci rtain tit originate that renowned privilege so loudly boa-ted of throughout this country; which is so eloquently exercised in newspapers, pamphlets, 138 HISTORY OF ward meetings, pot-house committees, and congres- sional deliberations ; which establishes the right of talking without ideas and without information ; of misrepresenting public affairs; of decrying public measures; of aspersing great characters, and destroy- ing little ones: in short, that grand palladium of our country, the liberty of speech. The simple aborigines of the land for a while con- templated these strange folk in utter astonishment; but, discovering that they wielded harmless, though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good- humoured race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yanokies, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) language signifies silent men a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar epithet of YANKEES, which they retain unto the present day. True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of these good people, to maintain their rights and privi- leges unimpaired, did for a while betray them into errors, which it is easier to pardon than defend. Having served a regular apprenticeship in the school of persecution, it behoved them to show that they had become proficients in the art. They accordingly em- ployed their leisure hours in banishing, scourging, or hanging divers heretical Papists, Quakers, and Ana- baptists, for daring to abuse the liberty of conscience ; which they now clearly proved to imply nothing more than that every man should think as he pleased in matters of religion provided he thought right; for otherwise it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now, as they (the majority) were perfectly convinced they, they alone, thought right, it conse- quently followed that whoever thought different from them thought wrong; and whoever thought wrong, KEW YORK. 139 and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, and deserved to be lopped oft' and ca^t into the fire. Now, I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous indignation with which we always contem- plate tin- faults and errors of our neighbours, and to i Aclaim at these well-meaning but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the injuries they had suffered thriii-elvcs; for indulging the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and establishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by in tolerant persecution. But, in simple truth, what ng at this very day, and in this very enlight- ened nation, but acting upon this very same principle, in our political controversies? Have we not, within but a few years, released ourselves frorn the shackles of a govt rnineiit which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue? And are we not at tlii^ very moment striving our best to tyrannise over tin opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another ? What are our great political societies but mere political inquisitions? Our pot-house com- mittees, but little tribunals of denunciation? Our 'ip. i-. but mere whipping-posts and pillories, win re the unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten eggs? And our council of appointment, but a grand auto daft, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their political heresi. \Yheiv, tin n. is the difference in principle between our inea-m< - and those you are so ready to condemn among the pen pie 1 am treating? Thcie is none; the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus, we 140 HISTORY OP denounce, instead of banishing; we libel, instead of scourging; we turn out of office, instead of hang- ing: and, where they burn an offender in proprid persona, we either tar and feather or burn him in effigy ; this political persecution being, some how or other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a. free country/ But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this new colony was in any ways hindered thereby; on the contrary, they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this growing country. This amazing increase may indeed be partly ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among them, and which was probably borrowed from the ancient republic of Sparta; where we are told the young ladies, either from being great romps and hoydens, or else, like many modern heroines, very fond of meddling with matters that did not appertain to their sex, used frequently to engage with the men, in wrestling and other athletic exercises of the gymnasium. The custom to which I allude was vulgarly known by the name of bundling; a superstitious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with which they usually terminated their festivities, and which was kept up with religious strictness, by the more bigoted and vulgar part of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, considered as an indispensable preli- minary to matrimony; their courtships cornme.ncing where ours usually finish. By which means they acquired that intimate acquaintance with each other's good qualities before marriage, which has been pro- nounced by philosophers the sure bais of a happy union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious KEW YORK. 141 people display a -luvwdness at making a bargain, which has ( vi r >ince di-tiiiL r uislied them, and a strict adherent- ti. t!.i _'ood old vulgar maxim about "buy- ing a pig in a poke." To thi- >:igacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute tin- unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee tribe; for it is a certain fact, well authenti- cate! by court records and parish registers, that \\ heivver the practiceof bundling prevailed, there was an ama/iiii: inunl)er of sturdy brats annually born unto the -tut. . without the licence of the law, or the benefit of clergy; and it is truly astonishing that the learned Malthas in his treatise on population, has entirely ovt rlooked tlii.- singular fact. Neither did the irre- gularity of their birth operate in the least to their dis- paragement. On the contrary, they grew up a long- sided, raw -honed, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood-cut tci>, ti-ht nnen, and pedlers, and strapping coin-fed \vt icl.i s; \\ ho, by their united efforts, tended inarvellou-ly towards populating those notable tracts of country called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape CHAPTER VII. How these simple Ilarhariatis turned out to be notorious Squat- ters How they built Air Castles, and attempted to initiate the Nfdcrlandera in the mystery of Bundling. I\ the last chapter I have given a faithful and unprejudiced account of the origin of that singular race of people, inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw Xederlandts; but I have yet to mention .in peculiar habit.- which rendered them exceed- ingly obnoxious to our ever-honoured Dutch ances- tor-. 142 HISTORY OF The most prominent of these was a certain rambling propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by Heaven, and which con- tinually goads them on, to shift their residence from place to place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a con- stant state of migration; tarrying occasionally here and there ; clearing lands for other people to enjoy ; building houses for others to inhabit; and in a manner may be considered the wandering Arab of America. His first thought, on coming to the years of man- hood, is to settle himself in the world ; which means nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes unto himself for a wife, some dash- ing country heiress ; that is to say, a buxom rosy- cheeked wench, passing rich in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoiseshell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin-pie. Having thus provided himself, like a true pedler, with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, house- hold furniture, and farming utensils, are hoisted into a covered cart ; his own and his wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin: which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles " yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, as confident of the protection of Providence, and relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log-hut, clears away a corn field and potato patch, and, Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen-headed urchins, who, by their* size, seem to M;W YORK. 143 1 at once out of the earth, like a crop of t oa'!> tools. But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of speculator- to rest contented with any state of sub- lunary enjo\ -incut im/irovementis his darling passion; and, having thus improved his lands, his next care is to provide a mansion worthy the residence of a land- holder. A huge palace of pine boards immediately -prings up in tin- mid-t of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with windows of all dimeiiMoiis, but so rickety and flimsy withal, that , bla-t gives it a fit of the ague. By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adven- turer are exhausted, so that he barely manages to^half- tini-li one room within, where the whole family bur- row together; while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons of wilted [naches and dried apples. The outside re- maining unpainted, grows venerably black with time; the family wardrobe is laid under contribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken window-; while the four winds of heaven keep up a \\histling and howling about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as they did of yore, in the cave of old /Eolus. Tiie humble log-hut, which whilome nestled this iinjirnrin'f family snugly within its narrow, but com- fortable \\alls stands hard by in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow-house or pigsty; and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, which I am >ur- pii-i d ha> never been recorded, of an aspiring snail, who quits his humble habitation, which he filled with i iv-pertability, to crawl into the empty shell of a r, where he, no doubt, would have resided \\ith 144 HISTORY OF great style and splendour, the envy and hate of all the pains-taking snails of his neighbourhood, had he not accidentally perished with cold in one corner of his stupendous mansion. Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words, " to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situation, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen ; but now it is that his wayward disposition begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for improvement, sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat-win- dows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head of his family, and wanders away in search of new lands, again to fell trees, again to clear corn fields, again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off, and wander. Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Nederlandts; and my readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neigh- bours this light-hearted, but restless tribe, must have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them if they have ever known one of our regular, Avail-organized Dutch families, whom it hath pleased Heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a French boarding-house. The honest old burgher can- not take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench before his door, but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the squalling of child- ren ; he cannot sleep at night for the horrible melo- dies of some amateur," who chooses to serenade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency in execution, by playing demisemiquavers in alt on the clarionet, the hautboy, or some other soft-toned instrument; nor can he leave the street-door open, but his house N 1 W YORK. 145 1^ defiled 1>\ tli.' un-avour\ % ^its of a troop of pug \\hii even sometimes carry their loathsome - into tin- sanctum sanctorum, the parlour. It' my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of *iieh a f.imily. so situated, they may form some idea lio\v our worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut. t thc-e marauders, we are told, penetrated into tlie New Netherland settlements, and threw \\hole villages into consternation by their unparal- leled volubility, and their intolerable inquisitiveness; two evil habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred: for our ancestors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity, and \\ho in it her knew nor cared aught about anylxxly's concerns but their own. Many enormities were com- mitted on the highways, where several unoffending burgiier- were brought to a >tand, and tortured with (iicstions and _ \hicii outrages occasioned as much vexation and heart-burning as does the modern light til' M arch on the hi^h seas. (in-at jealou>y did they likewise stir up, by their intermeddling and successes among the divine sex; for, being a race of brisk, lively, pleasant-tongued varlete, they soon seduced the light affections of the simple d miM-ls from tlieir ponderous Dutch gallants. Among , hidtuii- ciiMoms they attempted to intio among tin in that ^>t butl/inir, w hicii the Dutch i,. of tlie Nedeilaiidt<, with that ea^er passion for novelty and foreign fashion- natur.il to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow; but that their mothers, being more e\j>t ri.-nei-d in the world, and better acquaint) d with men and thin^-, -tunuou-K dix-ounteii.ineed all Mich ontlaiidi-h innovation^. But wh.it ehietly operated to ( mbroil our ain with the-e strange folk. wa< an unwarrantable lii L 146 HISTORY OF which they occasionally took, of entering in hordes into the territories of the New Netherlands, and set- tling themselves down, without leave or licence, to improve the land, in the manner I have before noticed. This , unceremonious mode of taking possession of new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is derived the appellation of squatters; a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, and which is given to those enterprising worthies, who seize upon land first, and take their chance to make good their title to it afterwards. All these grievances, and many others which were constantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud which, as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil pro- vince of New Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that re- dounds to their immortal credit becoming by passive endurance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs; like the sage old woman of Ephesus, who, by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was born, conti- nued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown to be an ox. CHAPTER VIII. How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered How the renowned Wouter fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally evaporated. BY this time my readers must fully perceive what an arduous task I have undertaken; collecting and col- lating with painful minuteness the chronicles of past times, whose events almost defy the powers of research ; exploring a little kind of Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under the rub- V YORK. 147 bi-h tit' M are, and almost totally forgotten; raking up tin- limb- and fragments of disjointed tacts; and endeavouring to put tin m scrupulously together, so as -tore tiicin to their original form and connexion: now luring t'ortli the character of an almost for- gotten la TO, like a mutilated statue; now deciphering a half-defaced inscription; and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study. ly r. pay> the trouble of perusal. In Mieli ca>e, how much has the reader to depend upon the honour and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning antiquarian, he either impose upon him - fabrication of his own, for a precious relic from antiquity, or else dress up the dismem- 1 fragment with such false trappings, that it is seaicely possible to distinguish the truth from the fic- tion with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I liav.- more than once had to lament, in the ;u\ wi ai isonie researches among the works of my fellow historians; who have strangely disgiu-ed and distorted the facts respecting this country, and particularly respecting the great province of New Netherlands; a- uill be perceived by any who will take the trouble to compare their romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 1 have, had more \e\ations nf the kind to encounter, in those part* of my history which treat of the ii a< (ions on the eastern border, than in any other, in i the troops of historians who have infested those quarters, and ha\e shown the hone-t people of NKUU Nt derlandt> no nu icy in their works. Among the rest. Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the Dutch were always mere in- truder-." Now, to this I shall make no otlu r reply than to piocted in the steady narration of my hi-i 148 HISTORY OF which will contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispos- sessed thereof; but likewise, that they have been scandalously maltreated ever since, by the misrepre- sentations of the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall be guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a regard to immortal fame; for I would not wittingly dishonour my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our forefathers the whole country of New England. It was at an oarly period of the province, and pre- vious to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, that the cabinet of Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Connecticut, and established, for their super- intendence and protection, a fortified post on the banks of the river, which was called Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the present fair city of Hartford. The command of this important post, together with the rank, title, and appointments of commissary, were given in charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as some historians will have it, Van Curlis; a most doughty soldier, of that stomachful class, of which we have such numbers on parade days; who are famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very soldierlike appearance, and would have been an exceeding tall man, had his legs been in proportion to his body; but the latter being long, and the former uncommonly short, it gave him the uncouth appearance of a tall man's body, mounted upon a little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit construction of body by throwing his legs to such an extent when he marched, that you would have sworn he had on the identical seven-league boots of the far-famed Jaok-the-giant- killer; and so astonishingly high did he tread, on M.W YORK. 149 any great militaiy occasion, that his soldiers were ofttimes alarmed, lest he should trample himself under But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the appointment of this ugly little man of war as a commander, the intrepid Yankees continued those daring interloping* which I have hinted at in my la.st chapter; and, taking ad vantage of the character which the cabinet of Wouter Van Twiller soon acquired for profound and phlegmatic tranquillity, did audaciously invade the territories of the Nieuw Nederlandts, and themselves down within the very jurisdictioo of Fort (Joed I loop* On beholding this outrage, the long-bodied Van Cm-let proeeeded as became a prompt and valiant officer. He immediately protested against these un- warrantable encroachments, in low Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith despatched a copy of the protest to the governor at New Amster- dam, together with a long and bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered hi> mi n. one and all, to be of good cheer, shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed, ami awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid tran- quillity, that greatly animated his adherents, and no ooubt struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts >f the enemy. Now- it came to pass, that, about this time, the rc- nwvned NVouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and council dinners, had reached that period of lite and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, entitles a 'nan to admission into the ancient order of Struldbnii_ r L r s. He employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an assemblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly as venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, anil 150 HISTORY OF their cautious averseness to coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be equalled by certain pro- found corporations which I have known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, his Excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known to encounter; his capacious head gradually drooped on his chest,* he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one side, as if listening with greatest attention to the discussion that was going on in his belly; which all who knew him declared to be the huge court- house, or council-chamber of his thoughts; forming to his head what the house of representatives do to the senate. An inarticulate sound, very much re- sembling a snore, occasionally escaped him; but the nature of this internal cogitation was never known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to man, woman, or child. In the meantime, the protest of Van Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council; and in the great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions of a modern session of congress. There are certain emergencies when your profound legislators and sage deliberative councils are mightily in the way of a nation, and when an ounce of hair- brained decision is worth a pound of sage doubt' and cautious discussion. Such, at least, was the case at present; for while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling with his -doubts, and his resolution * Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town, His great head being overset, hangs down. TELECLIDES, in Pericles. Ni:\V YORK. lol growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed further and further into his territories, and as-mned a most formidable appearance in the neigh- bourhood of 1 ort (Joed Hoop. Here they founded tin- mighty town of Pi/quag, or, as it has since been called, W'ftitln-r.*tii'ltl ; a place which, if we may credit thr assertion* of that worthy historian John Josselyn, (rent., "hath IK-CMI infamous by reason of the witches therein." And, so daring did these men of Pyquag become, that they extended those plantations of onions, for which their town is illustrious, under the very of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop; insomuch that the honest Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter without tears in their eyes. This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely trembled with the amazing violence of his choler, and the exacerbations of his valour; which seemed to be the more turbulent in their workings, from the length of the body in \\hich they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a double row of abbati-; after which valiant precautions, he, with unexampled intrepidity, despatched a fresh courier with tremenaoui nits of his perilous situation. Nt ver did the modern hero, who immortalized himself at the second Sabine war, show greater valour in the art of letter- writing, or distinguish himself more gloriously upon paper, than the heroic Van C'urlet The courier chosen to bear these alarming de- spatch s was a fat oily little man. as being least liable to l>e worn out, or to lose leather on the journey: and. to insure liis speed, he was mounted on the tl> < ti-t w,r_ r _ r "ii-horse in the garrison, remarkable for hi- length of limb. lofb ne. and hardness of 102 HISTORY OF trot ; and so tall, that the little messenger was obliged to climb on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about 120 miles. The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stranger would have thrown the whole town of New Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good people troubled themselves about anything more than their domestic affairs. With an appearance of great hurry and business, and smoking a short travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long swing trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, demolishing whole batches of dirt-pies, which the little Dutch children were making in the road; and for which kind of pastry the children of this city have ever been famous. On arriving at the governor's house, he climbed down from his steed in great trepidation ; roused the grey-headed door- keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court, was nodding at his post; rattled at the door of the council-chamber, and startled the members as they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public market. At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-drawn snore, was heard from the chair of the governor; a whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl of his pipe. The council of course supposed him engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and, according to custom in all such cases established, every man bawled out Silence, in order to maintain tranquillity; when of a sudden the door flew open, and the little courier straddled into the apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of M.W YORK. 153 Hi-.-ian boots, which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he held forth the ominous despatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the \vaistl>and of his galltgukioB, which had unfortu- nately given \vay in the exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped resolutely up to the governor, and, with more hurry than perspicuity, delivered his message. But fortunately his ill tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most tranquil of ruler-. 1 1 i> venerable Excellency had just breathed and smoked his last, his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his tobacco pipe. In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his contemporaries, no\v slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft med in hi* >tcad. END OF BOOK THIRD. 154 HISTORY OF BOOK IV. CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. CHAPTER I. Showing the Nature of History in general ; containing further- more the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a Man may learn so much as to render himself good for Nothing. WHEN the lofty Thucydides is about to enter on his description of the plague that desolated Athens, one of his modern commentators* assures the reader, that his history " is now going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic;" and hints, with that air of chuckling gratulation, with which a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague will give his history a most agreeable variety. In like manner did my heart leap within me when I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, which I at once perceived to be the fort-runner of a series of great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the true subjects for the historic pen. For what is history, in fact, but a kind of Newgate Calendar, a register of the crimes and miseries that man has inflicted on his fellow man. It is a huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were building up a monument to the honour rather than the infamy * Smith's Thucyd. vol. i. VOKK. 155 <>t' our -p -cic-. U' we turn over the pages of the-e chronicles that iiiiin has written of himself, what an tlic characters dignified by the appellation of great, and held up to the admiration <>f posterity ? Tyrant*, robber-. coi;<|iinvr<. ivim\\ ned only for the magnitude of their misdeeds and the stupendous wrongs and 1 -ie- they have indicted on mankind; warriors, \vho liave hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous patriotism, or to protect the injured and di (cureless, but merely to gain the vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in mas- ;ig their fellow beings ! What are the great events that con-titute a glorious era? The fall of empires, the desolation of happy countries, splendid cities smoking in their ruins, the proudest works of art tumbled in the du-t, the shrieks and groans of whole 'ii- ascending unto heaven ! It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on the mi-e,ie- <>f mankind ; they are like the birds of prey that hover over the field of battle, to fatten on the mighty dead. It was observed by a great pro- jector of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes, and M wen only formed to iced canal-. Iri like m mm i I am tempted to believe, that plots, couspi- -. \\.ir-. \ietori- -. and ma->aeres are ordained by !y as (bod for the hi-torian. It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in studying the uondcrful economy of nature, to trace the mutual dependencies of things; how they &m en ated reciprocally for each other, and how the most noxious and apparently UIHK ces-ar\ animal has it- u-es. Thus, tho-e swarms of (lies, which are so often < lc-s \ ( riniii. are created for tin tenance of spider*; and spiders, on the other hand, videntK made to devour Hit s. So tho-e h< who have been -ucli pe.-ts in the world, were bouti- 158 HISTORY OF teously provided as themes for the poet and the histo* rian ; while the poet and historian were destined to record the achievements of heroes ! These and many similar reflections naturally arose in my mind, as I took up my pen to commence the reign of William Kieft ; for now the stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil cur- rent, is about to depart for ever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a turbulent and rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover field, lies sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear repeated taunts and blows before it heaves its unwieldy limbs, and clum- sily arouses from its slumbers; so the province of the Nieuw Nederlandts, being long thriven and grown corpulent under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was reluctantly awakened to a melancholy convic- tion that by patient sufferance, its grievances had be- come so numerous and aggravating, that it was pre- ferable to repel than endure them. The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful com- munity advances towards a state of war; which it is too apt to approach, as a horse does a drum, with much prancing and parade, but with little progress, and too often with the wrong end foremost. WILHELMUS KIEFT, who in 1634 ascended the Gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favourite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists,) was in form, feature, and character, the very reverse of Wouter Van Twiller, .his renowned predecessor. He was of very respectable descent, his father being In- spector of Windmills in the ancient town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, made very curious investi- gations into the nature and operations of those ma- chines when a boy, which is one reason why he after- wards came to be so ingenious a governor. His NEW YORK. 157 name, according to the most ingenious etymologists, i corruption of A///V / that is to say, Awranfltr fili-r, and expressed the hereditary disposition of his family, which, for nearly two centuries, had kept tin- windy town of Saardam in hut water, and produced tnoiv tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place; and, so truly did Wilhelmus Ki ft inherit this family endowment, that he had scarcely been a year in the discharge of his govern- ment, before In \\;is universally known by the appel- lation of WM.I.I AM THK TESTY. He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had dried and withered away, partly through the na- tural prore-x of year-, and partly from being parched and burned up by his tiery soul, which blazed like a vehement rushlight in his bosom, constantly inciting him to mo>t valor.m-i broils, altercations, and misad- ventures. I have heard it observed by a profound and philosophical judge of human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as >hc grows old, the tenure of her life is very precarious; but if haply she withers, she live* for ever: Midi, likewise, was the case with Wil- liam the Te-f\. who grew tougher in proportion as he dried. He was some such a little Dutchman as we may now and then see, stumping briskly about the bi of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with but- ton- nearly as 1 iri'e as the shield of Ajax, an old- fa-hion< (I cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was broad, but his feature- -harp; his nose turned up with a nio-f petulant curl: his cheeks, like the region- of Terra del l ; uego, were -e, .relied into a du-ky red. doubtless in consequence of the neighbourhood of two I little gray yet, through w Inch his torrid >oul beamed a- t. rven:l\ U a tropical SOI! bla/ing through a pair of burning-glasses. The corners of his mouth were CU- 158 HISTORY OF riously modelled into a kind of fret-work, not a little resembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irritable pug dog; in a word, he was one of the most positive, rtst- less, ugly little men that ever put himself in a passion about nothing. Such were the personal endowments of William the Testy ; but it was the sterling riches of his mind that raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had passed with great credit through a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for producing finished scholars with a despatch unequalled, except by certain of our American colleges, which seem to manufacture bache- lors of arts by some patent machine. Here he skir- mished very smartly on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and made so gallant an inroad in the dead languages, as to bring off captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy saws and apophthegms; all which he constantly paraded in conversation and writing, with as much vain-glory as would a triumphant general of yore display the spoils of the countries he had ravaged. He had, moreover, puzzled himself considerably with logic, in which he had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar acquaintance, by name at least, with tlu> whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas; but what he. chiefly valued himself on was his knowledge of metaphysics, in which, having once upon a time ven- tured too deeply, he came well nigh being smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning; a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never perfectly recovered. In plain words, like many other profound intermed- (llers in this abstruse, bewildering science, he so con- fused his brain with abstract speculations which he could not comprehend, and artificial distinctions which he could not realize, that he could never think clearly on any subject, however simple, through the whole NEW YORK. 159 course of his life afterwards. This, I must confess, in -urn' measure a misfortune, for he never engaged in argument (of which he was exceedingly ton. I, ) hut what. hetwt en logical deductions and meta- ph\ -ical jargon, ho soon involved himself and his sub- ject in .1 lo-_ r of contradictions and perplexities, and tlii-n would get into a mighty passion with his adver- sary, for not being convinced gratis. It i- in k:mul,i"_:e as in swimming; he who osten- tatiously spoil- and flounders on the surface, makes more i,oi-e and splashing, and attracts more attention than tin- industrious pearl-diver, who plunges in search of trea-un - to tin- bottom. The "universal acquire- ments" of William Kieft were the subject of great marvel and admiration among his countrymen; he figured about at the Hague with as much vain-glory ' eg a profound Bonze at IVkin, who has mastered hall' the litter- of the Chinese alphabet; and, in a word, u.is unanimously pronounced a universal genius. I have known many universal geniuses in my time, though, to speak my mind freely, I never knew one, \\lio. fur tin- ordinary purposes of life, was worth his a in straw; but, for the purposes of government, a little sound judgment, and plain common -en- worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poctrv or invented the Strange as it may -ound, therefore, the universal tn-ijii, ,f the illustrious \Vilhelmus were very much in hi- \\.i\ ; and, had he been a less learned man, it is ] il>U he would have been a much gre;it r governor. lie was exceedingly fond of trying philo- sophical and political experiments; and, having stuffed hi- head full of -era;)- and remnants of ancient re- publics, and oligarchies* and ari.-toeiacii -, and nu>- iiarchics, and the li\\- of Solon, and Lycuvgii-. C!iaronda>,aiid the imaginary commonwealth of 1'lato, 160 HISTORY OF and the Pandects of Justinian, and a thousand- other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was for ever bent upon introducing some one or other of them into use; so that between one contradictory measure and another, he entangled the government of the little province of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots, during his administration, than half a dozen successors could have untied. No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a whiff of fortune in the seat of government, than he called together his council, and delivered a very animated speech on the affairs of the province. As every body knows what a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor has of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing that gallantry of tongue common to all able legislators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that he took out his pocket-handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the attention of the auditors; but with William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause ; for he had read of the singular expedient of that famous demagogue Caius Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman popu- lace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe. This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced by expressing an humble sense of his own want of talents, his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to discharge the important duties of his new station : in short, he expressed so contemptible an opinion of M W YORK. 1G1 himself, that many simple country members present, ignorant that tiicM- wen- nit re words of course, always usi-il on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even frit wroth that he should accept an office for which he was consciously >o inadequate. He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, pro- foundly erudite, and nothing at all to the pur. licit't: nothing more than a pompous account of all the irovt nimenf- of ancient Greece, and the wars of Koine and Carthage, together with the rise and fall of -undry outlandish empires, about which the assembly knew no more than their great-grandchildren who \\eiv yet unborn. Thus having, after tin: manner of your learned orators, convinced the audience that he was a man of many words and great erudition, he at length came to the less important part of his speech, the situation of the province; and here he soon worked hiniM-lf intoa fearful rage against the Yankees, w honi lie compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the (ioths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains (,f K u rope; nor did he forget to mention, in terms of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had encroached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with which they had commence d the town of New Ply- mouth, and planted the onion patches of Weathersfield under the very walls of l-'ort (ioed Hoop. lining thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a climax, he a^umed a self-satisfied look, and de- elared, with a nod of knowing import, that lie had taken n. i .'Hires to put a tinal stop to these encroach- ments; that lie had liecn obliged to have rec<>ur-e t a dn adlul engine of warfare, lately invented, awful in it- t -fleets, but autluii i/.ed by direful necessity. In a word, he was r0K)lved l e,>!npier the Yankee by proclamation. 162 HISTORY OF For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, and enjoining the intruders aforesaid forthwith to remove, depart, and withdraw from the districts, regions, and territories aforesaid, under pain of suffering all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case made and provided, &c. This proclamation, he as- sured them, would at once exterminate the enemy from the face of the country; and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months after it was published, not one stone should remain on another in any of the towns which they had built. The council remained for some time silent after he had finished; whether struck dumb with admiration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of the times does not mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a general grunt of acquiescence; the proclamation was immediately despatched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red riband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved, ad- journed the council sine die, put on his cocked hat and corduroy small-clothes, and, mounting a tall raw- boned charger, trotted out to his country-seat, which was situated in a -sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch-street, but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery. Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, not from the nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom; who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon earth a little before the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knowing women. In UK. 1G:J my iluiv a> an historian obliges me to make known a cireiim-tance which was a great secret at MII', mill con>ei|iieiitly was not a subject of :al at more than half the tea-tables of New Ain-t'Tilaui ; hut which, like many other great secrets, ha> leaked out in tin- lapse of years; and this was, that the {rn-at U'ilhelmus the Testy, though one of the mo-t potent little men that ever breathed, yet -HI .mitted at home to a species of government, neither laid down in Aristotle nor I'lato; in short, it partook f the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat government: an lute -\\:iy. which, though exceedingly common in tln-e modern days, was very rare among the ancients, if \\e may judge from the rout made about the do- IIK >tic economy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient case on record. i he -prat Kielt, however, warded off all the sneers and --area-m-i of hU particular friends, who are ever ready to joke, with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging that it was a government of his own election, to which he submitted through choice; adding, at the same time, a piofound maxim which he ' had toiind in an ancient author, that ' he who would /. -hould first learn to obey." 164 HISTORY OF CHAPTER II. In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal Genius. The Art of fighting by Proclamation and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dis- honoured at Fort Goed Hoop. NEVER was a more comprehensive, a more expedi- tious, or, what is still better, a more economical measure devised, than this, of defeating the Yankees by proclamation; an expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle, and pacific, there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, but then there was one chance to ten that it would not succeed ; as the ill- natured Fates would have it, that single chance carried the day! The proclamation was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed, and well published; all that was wanting to insure its effect was, that the Yankees^ should stand in awe of it; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, and thus did the first warlike proclamation come to a shameful end; a fate which, I am credibly ' informed, has befallen but too many of its successors. It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be persuaded, by the united efforts of all his councillors, that his war measures had failed in producing any effect. On the contrary, he flew in a passion when- ever any one dared to question its efficacy ; and swore, that though it was slow in operating, yet when once it began to work, it would soon purge the land of these rapacious intruders. Time, however, that tost of all experiments both in philosophy and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft that his proclama- tion was abortive; and that, notwithstanding he had Avaited four years in a state of constant irritation, yet he was still further off than ever from the object of M.\V M)RK. 165 his wi-hes. IIi< implacable adversaries in the east became more and more troublrsome in their encroach- ments. and founded the thriving colony of Hartford, upon the skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover eonuneaoed the fair settlement of New- huvcii (nfin.v the Red Hills) within the domains of their High .Mightinesses; while the onion patches of 1 J \ ijuag were a continual eyesore to the garrison of Van Cuilet. Upon beholding, therefore, the inefti- eaey of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many a worthy j)ractitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the medicine, but the quantity administered; and resolutely resolved to double the dose. In tin- year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth of his reign, he fulminated against them a second proclamation, of heavier metal than the former; written in thundering long sentences, not one word of which was under five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding and pro- hibiting all commerce and connexion between any and e\. ry of the said Yankee intruders, and the said fortified po-t of Fort Goed Hoop; and ordering, com- manding. and advi.-ing all his trusty, loyal, and well- belnM-d Mibj.-cN, to furnish them with no suppli gin, gingerbread, or sour crout; to buy none of their pacing lior-es, measly pork, apple-brandy, Yankee rum, eider-water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or wooden bowls; but to starve and extermi- nate them from the face of tin; land. Another pau-e of a twelvemonth ensued, during which the l.i-t proclamation received the same atten- tion. and experienced the same fate a- the fir>t; at the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus Van C'urlet I'ched his annual messenger, with his cn-tomary budget of complaints and cntieutic -. Whether the il of a year, intervening l>el\M en the 166 HISTORY OF arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occasioned by tlu> systematic regularity of his movements, or by the immense distance at which he was stationed from the seat of government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, who, as I have before noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least likely to be worn out. on the road; and who, being pursy, short-winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week to rest. All these, however, are matters of conjecture; and I rather think it may be ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy country, and which has ever influenced all its public transactions not to do things in a hurry. The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, in his despatches respectfully represented, that several years had now elapsed since his first application to his late Exct 1- loncy, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller; during which interval his garrison had been reduced nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his most valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had accidentally over- eaten themselves on some fat salmon, caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort or its inhabitants, but squatting themselves down, and forming settlements all around "it, so that, in a little while, he should find himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, and totally at their mercy. But among the most atrocious of his grievances, I find the following still on record, which may serve to show the bloody-minded outrages of these savago intruders. " In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the lands of Connec- ticott, although unrighteously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing 167 omie pun-haseii broken u]) lands, but have also il them \\ i:h conn- in the night, which the Nether- lander- had broken up and intended to sowe; and ha\v 1 1.-. i ten the servant-; of the high and mighty the Imiioivd companie. which were labouring upon theire . from theire lands with sticks and plow -:a\t-. in ho.-tile inatiiu r laming, and amongst the k Ever Duckings* a hole in his head, with a stick. .-oo that the blood ran downe, very strongly !o\\ nc upon his body." liut what is still more atrocious " Tho-e , r (a- men use to say) can trespass upon his owne ma-tcr's Bromide." f The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed the whole community; there was something in it that spoke to the dull comprehensions, and touched the obtn-e fei !i;i^s even of the puissant vulgar, who gene- rally require a kick in the rear to awaken their slum- In ring dignity. I have known my profound fellow- riti/.t n- licar without murmur a thousand essential infringement* of their rights, merely because tin \ not immediately obvious to their senses; but the moment tin- unlucky IVarce was shot upon our coasts, the Mini!,' l>. 168 HISTORY OF but little regard, and left their quill-valiant governor to bear the whole brunt of the war, with his single pen, yet now every individual felt his head broken in the broken head of Duckings; and the unhappy fate of their fellow-citizen the hog, being impressed, carried, and sold into captivity, awakened a grunt of sympathy from every bosom. The governor and council, goaded by the clamours of the multitude, now sat themselves earnestly to deli- berate upon what was to be done. Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary disrepute; some were for sending the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace-offerings to the petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the devil. Others were for buying them out; but this was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their title to the land they bad seized. A variety of measures were, as usual in such cases, proposed, discussed, and abandoned; and the council had at last to adopt the means, which being the most common and obvious, had been knowingly overlooked ; for your amazing acute politicians are for ever looking through telescopes, which only enable them to see such objects as are far off and unattainable, but which incapacitate them to see such things as are in their reach, and obvious to all simple folks, who are content to look with the naked eyes Heaven has given them. The profound council, as I have said, in their pursuit after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the very measure they were in need of; which was to raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the relief and reinforcement of the garrison. This measure was carried into such prompt operation, that in less than twelve months the whole expedition, consisting of a serjeant and twelve men, was ready to march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in the public square, now known by the name of the Bowling-green. Just M:\V YORK. 169 at this juncture the whole community was thrown into consternation !>y tin- sudden arrival of the gallant .lacolms Van Cm-let, who came straggling into town at tin- head of his c-re\v of tatterdemalions, and bring- ing the UK lanclioly tidings of his own defeat, and the rapture of th<> redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees. 'I'lic fate of tliis important fortress is an impressive warning to all military commanders. It was neither carried by st>rm nor famine; no practicable breach tiectt (! l>y cannon or mines; no magazines were blown up by red-hot shot; nor were the barracks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting of bomb-shells. In fact, the place was taken by a stratagem no \< SB singular than effectual, and one that can m ver fail of success, whenever an opportu- nity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it i -trata<:eni which, though it impeached the vigi- lance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet and his garrison peifectly free from reproach. It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of tin' regular habits <>t the garrison, watched a favour- able opportunity, and silently introduced themselves into the fort, about the middle of a sultry day, when its vigilant defenders, having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and smoked out their pipes, were one and all Mioring nm-t obstreperously at their posts, little dreaming of so disastrous an occurrence. The enemy most inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet and his .sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neek, gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismissed tin m .severally, \\ith a kick on the crupper, a- Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians, alter the battle of Narva; only taking care to give two kick* to Van Curlet, a* a .signal mark of distinction. 170 HISTORY OF A strong garrison was immediately established in the fort, consisting of twenty long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers, long rusty fowling- pieces for muskets, hasty pudding, dumb-fish, pork, and molasses for stores; and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard liberty caps not having as yet come into fashion. CHAPTER III. Containing the fearful Wrath of William the Testy, and the great Dolour of the New Amsterdammers, because of the Affair of Fort Goed Hoop And moreover, how William the Testy did strongly fortify the City Together with the Exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff. LANGUAGE cannot express the prodigious fury into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was too great fo"r words, or rather, the words were too great for him ; and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, misshapen, nine- cornered Dutch oaths, that crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole days; ana- thematizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbe-jaken, deugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes- kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names, of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not make particular mention. Finally, he swore that he would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin- eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider-wa- \V YORK. 47 1 . notion-peddling crew; that they illicit sta\ at I ort (ioed Hoop anil rot, before lit- would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them ; in proof of which he ordered the new-raised - t> be man-lied forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Go- vt Tiior Kit ft faithfully kept his word, and his adver- saries as faithfully kept their post; and thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay valleys through which it rolls, together with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yankees, by whom they are held at this very day. Great despondency seized upon the city of New tcrd.im in consequence of these melancholy events. The name of Yankee became as terrible among our .iin-i ->tor> as \\as that of Gaul among the ancient Romans; and all the sage old women of the province nsiil if as a bugbear, wherewith to frighten their unruly children into obedience. The eyes of all the province were now turned upon their governor, to know what he would do for the pro- teetion of the common weal, in these days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the reflecting pait of the community, ee old ladies, through means of the L'overnor'N spouse, who, as has been already hintt d. \\.i- -the better horse," had obtained C-OIIM- dttrmble influence in public affairs, keepingthe province under a kind of petticoat government, it Mas deter- mined that mi a>uiv- -honld be taken for the effect i\e fortification of the cit\ . Now it happened that at this time there sojourned 173 HISTORY OF in New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear,* a jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burly visage, famous for his long wind and his huge whiskers ; and who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument as to produce an effect upon all within hearing, as though ten thousand bagpipes were sing- ing most lustily i' the nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as the man of all the world, and most fitted to be the champion of New Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort; making little doubt but that his instrument would be as effectual and offensive in war as was that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, fear- lessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice- valorous editor, daringly insulting all the principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength, by furnishing it with a formidable battery of quakerguns; rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre, which overtopped the whole city; and, more- over, by building a great windmill on one of the bastions.f This last, to be sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification ; but, as I have already * David Pietrez De Vries, in his " Reyze naer Nieuw Neder- landt on der het year 1640," makes mention of one Corlear t a trumpeter in Fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook, and who was, doubtless, this same champion described by Mr. Knickerbocker. EDITOR. t De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east bastion ; and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff, in Justus Danker's View of New Amsterdam, prefixed to his history. NEW YORK. 173 William Kit- ft was notorious for innovations and experiments; ami traditions do affirm that he \\as much L:i\eti to mechanical inventions, constructing patent smokcjacks, carts that went before the hor-<-. and i sp ( 'dally erecting windmills, for which machines lie had arrpiired a singular predilection in his native town of Saardam. All ;!n tt M it istific vagaries of the little governor wen- eii.-d up with ecstasy tyy his adherents, as proofs of lii> uni\ i -i-nl genius; but there were not wanting ill- natmvit LT'imlil. is, who railed at him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to HIIUM jacks and windmills, which should have been oceupied in tlir more important concerns of the pro- vince. Nay. they even went so far as to hint once or twier. tliat hi* head was turned by his experiments, and that in n ally thought to manage his government diii hi- mills by mere wind. Such is the illi- berulity and slandt-r to which enlightened rulers are r\. i- subject. Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of William the Testy to place the city in a posture of defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm and deBpondcnct . lint Fortune, who seems always careful in the very nick of time, to throw a bone for Hope to teed upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive, did about this time crown the arms of the province with Mice. t in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Nederlanders; other- \\i-i- then- i- no knowing to what lengths they might have iM.'ic in the e\e ss of their son o\\ injj : ' for grief." sa\ - the profound hi>torian of the Seven Chatn- ])ion> ut Christendom, * is companion \\ith despair, and de>j air a pn>eiirer of infamous death!" Amonii the numerous inroads of the moss-troopers of Connecticut, which, fur MHIIC time pa->t, had ocea- 174 HISTORY OF sioned such great tribulation, I should particularly have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of its shell-fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in a most sensible part, and occasioned great agitation at New Amsterdam. It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful physiologists, that the high road to the affections is through the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I have already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is the fact un- known to the world at large; and hence do \ve observe, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the million is to feed them well; and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please, and serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense; which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of parties secure the affections of their partisans, by rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes; and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, acquire consi- derable importance in society, and usurp a large share of the good will of his fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said in his eulogium was, " that he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent wine." Since, then, the heart and the stomach are so nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what affects the one must sympathetically affect the other. Now, it is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none more grateful than the testa- ceous marine animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of oyster. And in such great reverence has it ever been held by my gormandizing fellow-citizens, Nf.W YORK. J 7.) that tern pit's Itave been dedicated to it, time out of niiuil. in every street, lane, and alley throughout this well-fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that tin- x i/.inu r < >f Oyster Bay, a place abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by the in- habitants of New Amsterdam. An attack upon their honour they might have pardoned ; even the massacre of a few . -it /.ens might have been passed over in -ii. in-,. ; lint an outrage that affected the larders of the iMvat city of Nt w Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its corpulent burgomasters, was too -. iiou- to pass unrevenged. The whole council was unanimous in opinion, that the intruders should be immediately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and its \icinity: ami a detachment was accordingly itched f>r the purpose, under command of one i IJrinkerhott'. or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stolfel, the head i so called because he was a man of mighty !: iK. famous throughout the whole extent of Nil nw N'eih rlamits for liis skill at quarterstaff ; and, /e. he would have been a match for Colbrand. tin Danish champion, *lain by (iuy of Warwick. Stolli I IJrinkerhoff was a man of few words but prompt actions; one of your straight-going officers, who march directly forward, and do their orders without making any parade about it. He used no ordinary speed in his movements, but trudged ;ily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Je- rieh'i and l',it> li"_-. ami the mighty town of Quag, and lUt other reiiii\\nei! < ..re, which, by some unaccountable witchcraft of the Yankees, have been MraiiLrcly transplanted to Lout: 1-lai.tl, until he ar- rivetl in the neighbourhood <>\ Oyster Bay. line u;i< In- eiiconntert d by ii tumultuous ho>t of valiant warrior>. In :i i i| liy rr,-rr\(l l-'i>h. and ilakikkiik Nutter, ami liiturn Strong, antl Xerub- 176 HISTORY OF bable Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittlo and Determined Cock! At the sound of whose names the courageous Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament of Praise God Barebones had been let loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that this formidable body was composed merely of the " select men" of the settlement, armed with no other weapon but their tongues, and that they had issued forth with no other intent than to meet him on the field of argument, he succeeded in putting them to the rout with little diffi- culty, and completely broke up their settlement. Without waiting to write an account of his victory on the spot, and thus letting the enemy slip through his fingers, while he was securing his own laurels, as a more experienced general would have done, the brave StofFel thought of nothing but completing his enter- prise, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. This hardy enterprise he performed in much the same manner as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen ; for, as the Yankees fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after them, and would infallibly have driven them into the sea, had they not begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute. The news of this achievement was a seasonable restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New Am- sterdam. To gratify them still more, the governor resolved to astonish them with one of those gorgeous spectacles, known in the days of classic antiquity; a full .account of which had been flogged into his me- mory when a schoolboy at the Hague. A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stoffel Brinker- hoff, who made his triumphant entrance into town; riding on a Naraganset pacer ; five pumpkins, which, like Roman eagles, had served the enemy for stand- ards, were carried before him ; fifty cart-loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of Weathersfield onions, .V YORK. 177 a hundred quintals of codfish, two hogsheads of mo- -, and various other treasures, were exhibited as tin- spoils and tribute of the Yankees; while three iiri<>ii-~ counterfeiters of Manhattan notes* were led captive to grace the hero's triumph. The pro- cession was enlivened by martial music, from the trumpet nt' Anthony Van Corlear, the champion, Mpanieil by a select band of boys and negroes, performing on the national instruments of rattle- bMMI and Ham-shell-. The citizens devoured the -poils in sheer gladness of heart; every man did honour to the conqueror, by getting devoutly drunk on New F.ngland rum; and the learned Wilhelmus Kieit, calling to mind, in a momentary fit of enthu- i and generosity, that it was customary amoti^ the ancients to honour their victorious generals with public -tatues, passed a gracious decree, by which tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the head intrepid Sti.fl'el on hi.- sign! CHAPTER IV. IMS on the Folly of being happy in Times t' those inexhaustible mines of paper opu- lence.' PHI. NT. I 1/0 HISTORY OF chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts of man- kind, we should find that, upon the whole, good and evil are pretty nearly balanced in this world ; and that, though we may for a long while revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will at length come, when we must ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, and withal a most inexorable cre- ditor; for though she may indulge her favourites in long credits, and overwhelm them with her favours, yet sooner or later she brings up her arrears, with the rigour of an experienced publican, and washes out her scores with their tears. " Since," says good old Boetius in his Consolations of Philosophy, " since no man can retain her at his pleasure, and since her flight is so deeply lamented, what are her favours but sure prognostications of approaching trouble and calamity ! " There is nothing that more moves my contempt at the stupidity and want of reflection of my fellow-men, than to behold them rejoicing, and indulging in secu- rity and self-confidence, in times of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with the light of reason, those are the very moments of anxiety and apprehension; well knowing that, according to the system of things, happiness is at best but transient ; and that the higher he is elevated by the capricious breath of fortune, the lower must be his proportionate depression. Where- as, he who is overwhelmed by calamity has the less chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a man at the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk of break- ing his neck by tumbling to the top. This is the very essence of true wisdom, which consists in knowing when we ought to be miserable; and was discovered much about the same time with that invaluable secret, " that every thing is vanity and vexation of spirit;" in consequence of which NEW YDRK. 179 maxim your wise mm have over been the unhappiest of the human race; esteeming it as an infallible mark of genius to be distressed without reason; since any man may he miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the philosopher alone who can discover cause for griffin the very hour of prosperity. According to the principle I have just advanced, we rind that the colony of New Netherlands, which, under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had flourished in Mich alarming and fatal serenity, is now paying for its former welfare, and discharging the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. Foes harass it from different quarters; the city of New Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept in constant alarm ; and its valiant commander, William the Testy, answers the vulgar, but expressive idea of " a man in k of troubles." \Vliile hn-ily engaged repelling his bitter enemies the Yankees, on one side, we find him suddenly molested in another quarter, and by other assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the conduct of Peter Minnewits, and professing allegiance to that ivtahh' virago, Christina, queen of Sweden, had (1 themselves and erected a fort on South (or Delaware) River, within the boundaries claimed by the government of the New Netherlands. History is unite as to the particulars of their first landing, and their real pretensions to the soil; and this i> the more to be lamented, as this same colony of S\ve - will hereafter be found most materially to affect, not only the interests of the Nederlanders, but of tin- world at I i In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond colony s first took possession of the country, it is . n th;it iii 1638 they established a fort, and according to the off-haii'l u-u^e of his N -2 180 HISTORY OF t contemporaries, declared himself governor of all the adjacent country, under the name of the province of NEW SWEDEN. No sooner did this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, than, like a true-spirited chieftain, he immediately broke into a violent rage, and, calling together his council, belaboured the Swedes most lustily, in the longest speech that had ever been heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus given vent to the first ebullitions of his indignation, he had resort to his favourite measure of proclamation, and despatched one piping hot, in the first year of his reign, informing Peter Minnewits, that the whole territory bordering on the South River had, time out of mind, been in possession of the Dutch colonists, having been " beset with forts, and sealed with their blood." The latter sanguinary sentence would convey an idea of direful war and bloodshed, were we not relieved by the information, that it merely related to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by the Indians, in their benevolent attempts to establish a colony and promote civilization. By this it will be seen that William Kieft, though a very small man, delighted in big expressions, and was much given to a praiseworthy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by your little great men, called hyperbole: a figure which has been found of infinite service among many of his class, and which has helped to swell the grandeur of many a mighty, self- important, but windy chief magistrate. Nor can I resist in this place, from observing how much my beloved country is indebted to this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting certain of her greatest characters statesmen, orators, civi- lians, and divines; who, by dint of big words, inflated periods, and windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the M:\V YORK. 181 surface of society, as ignorant swimmers are buoyed up by blown bladders. The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by ordering tin- self-dubbed governor, and his gang of Swedish ad venturers, immediately to leave the country, under penalty of the high displeasure and inevitable vengeance of the puissant government of the Niemv Nederlandti. This "strong measure," however, does not seem to have had a whit more effect than its predecessors, which had been thundered against the Yankees; the. Swedes resolutely held on to the terri- ti>r\ they had taken possession of; whereupon matters for the present remained in statu quo. That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this insolent obstinacy in the Swedes would appear incom- patible with his valorous temperament; but we find tint about this time the little man had his hands full, and, with one annoyance and another, was kept conti- nually on the bounce. There is a certain description of active legislators, whn, by shrewd management, contrive always to have a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of which must be immediately attended to; who, consequently, are ever full of temporary shifts and expedients, patching up the public welfare, and cobbling the national affairs, so as to make nine holes where they mend one; stopping chinks and flaws with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yankees I have mentioned stuffing old clot Ins in broken windows. Of this class of statesmen was William the Testy; H;:;!, hn:I he Only been, bl ;-.! v.iiii powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal been di-eiplined by a little discretion, there is very little doubt but ho would have made the greatest i nor of his size on record; the renowned governor of the island of Barataria alone excepted. The ,'ri-at defect of \Vilhclimis Kielt's policy II 182 HISTORY OF that though no man could be more ready to stand forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that he suffered the enemy to break its head : in other words, whatever precaution for public safety he adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it cheap, that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this was a remote conse- quence of his profound education at the Hague; where, having acquired a smattering of knowledge, lie was ever after a great Conner of indexes, continually dipping into books, without ever studying to the bottom of any subject; so that he had the scum of all kinds of authors fermenting in his pericranium. In some of these title-page researches he unluckily stumbled over a grand political cabalistic word, which, with his customary facility, he immediately incorporated into his great scheme of government, to the irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and the eternal misleading of all experi- mental rulers. In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the Chaldeans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy of the Arabians, the Magic of the Persians, the Hocus Pocus of the English, the Witchcraft of the Yankees, or the Powwowing of the Indians, to discover where the little man first laid his eyes on this terrible word. Neither the Sephir Jezirah, that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the patriarch Abraham; nor the pages of the Zoheir, containing the mysteries of the Uabaia, recorut-u by the learned Rabbi Simeon * * T Jochaides, yield any light to my inquiries; iiGr 2,'Jl * in the least benefited by my painful researches in the Shem-hamphorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, though it enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' journey in twenty-four hours. Neither can I perceive the slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred NEW YORK. 183 name of four letters, the profoundest word of the Hebrew Cabala: a mystery, sublime, ineffable, and incommunicable, and the letters of which, Jod-He- Vau-I If, having been stolen by the Pagans, constituted their great name Jao, or Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, thrurgic, necromantic, magical, and astro- logical researches, from the Tetractys of Pythagoras, to the ivei mdite works of Breslaw and Mother Bunch, I have nut discovered the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor have I discovered any word of sufficient potency to counteract it. Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the word which had so wonderfully arrested the attention of William the Testy, and which, in German characters, had a particularly black and ominous aspect, on being fairly translated into the English, is ho other than MY a talismanic term, which, by constant use and frequent mention, has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in the arc;ma of necromancy. When pronounced in a national assembly it has an immediate effect in closing the hearts, beclouding the intellect-, drawing the purse-strings, and buttoning the breeches-pockets, of all philosophic legislators. Nor are its effects on the eyes less wonderful. It produces a contraction of the retina, an obscurity of the crystalline lens, a viscidity of the vitreous and an inspissation of the aqueous humours, an induration of the tunica sclerotica, and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient becomes iiii/ofiet, or, in plain Knglish, purblind; perceiving only the amount of immediate expense, without being able to look farther, and regard it in connexion with the ultimate object to be effected; " so that," to quote the words of the eloquent Burke. " a brier at his nose 184 HISTORY OF is of greater magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards' distance." Such are its instantaneous opera- tions, and the results are still more astonishing. By its magic influence seventy-fours shrink into frigates, frigates into sloops, and sloops into gun-boats. As the defenceless ships of Eneas, at the command of the protecting Venus, changed into sea-nymphs, and pro- tected themselves by diving, so the mighty navy of America, by the cabalistic word of economy, dwindles into small craft, and shelters itself in a mill-pond! This all-potent word, which served as his touch- stone in politics, at once explains the whole system of proclamations, protests, empty threats, windmills, trumpeters, and paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus the Testy; and we may trace its operations in an armament which he fitted out in 1642, in a moment of great wrath, consisting of two sloops and thirty men, under the command of Mynheer Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of the fleet, and commander-in- chief of the forces. This formidable expedition, which can only be paralleled by some of the daring cruises of our infant navy about the bay and up the sound, was intended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuylkill, of which they had recently laken pos- session, and which was claimed as part of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts; for it appears that at this time, our infant colony was in that enviable state so much coveted by ambitious nations; that is to say, the government had a vast extent of territory, part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it had continually to quarrel about. AdmiralJan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed at the cha- racter of the enemy, who were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe- cakes and bacon, drank mint-juleps and apple-toddy, NEW YORK. 185 and were exceedingly export at boxing, biting, gouging, tar-aml-feathering, and a variety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their coiiMii i:erman and prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have overborne considerable resemblance. Notwithstanding all these alarming representations, the Admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly with his Heel, and arrived without disaster or oppo- -itiun at the place of destination. Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previously put in hi> pocket; wherein he courteously commenced by calling them a pack of lazy, touting, dram-drink- ing, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave-driving, tavern- haunting, sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding up- starts; and concluded by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately; to which they most laco- nically replied in plain English, "they'd see him d d first." Now. this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen Alpendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft, had made any cal- culation ; and, finding himself totally unprepared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility, he concluded that his wisest course was to return home and report progress. He accordingly sailed back to New Amsterdam, where he was received with great honours, and considered as a pattern for all com- manders; having achieved a most hazardous enter- prUe at a trifling expense of treasure, and without losing a single man to the state! He was unani- mously called the deliverer of his country (an appel- lation liberally be-towed on all great men; ) his two sloops, having done their duty, were, laid up (or dry- docked) in a cove now called the Albany Basin, \\liere they ijuietly rotted in the mud; and, to iinmor- 186 HISTORY OF talize his name, they erected, by subscription, a mag- nificent shingle monument on the top of Flatten- barrack* Hill, which lasted three whole years, when it fell to pieces, and was burned for firewood. CHAPTER V. How William the Testy enriched the Province by a Multitude of Laws, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers and Bum- bailiffs And how the People became exceedingly enlight- ened and unhappy under his Instructions. AMONG the many wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom which have floated down the stream of time from venerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by those humble but industrious wights, who ply along the shores of literature, we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, the Locrian legislator. Anxious to preserve the ancient laws of the state from the additions and improvements of profound " country members," or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law, should do it with a halter about his neck; so that, in case .his proposition was rejected, they just hung him up, and there the matter ended. This salutary institution had such an effect, that for more than two hundred years there was only one trifling alteration in the criminal code ; and the whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of employ- ment. The consequence of this was, that the Lo- crians being unprotected by an overwhelming load of * A corruption of Varleth's bergh, or Varleth's hill, so called from one Varleth, who lived upon that hill in the early days of the settlement. KKW YORK. 187 excellent laws, and undefended by a standing army of j>t tiitbggers and sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and were such a happy people, that they make any figure throughout the whole Grecian hi>tory; for it is well known that none but your un- lurky. quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any noise in the world. \Vcll would it have been for William the Testy, had he haply, in the course of his "universal acquire- ment-." stumbled upon this precaution of the good Cliarundas. On the contrary, he conceived that the true^ policy of a legislator was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the persons, and the morals of the people, by surrounding them, in a manner, with mi n-traps and spring-guns, and besetting even the : M pestered walks of private life with quickset- -<> that a man could scarcely turn without the risk of encountering some of these pestiferous protectors. Thus was he continually coining petty An for every petty offence that occurred, until in time tln-y became too numerous to be remembered, and remained, like those of certain modern legislators, in. -re dead letters, revived occasionally for the pur- pose of individual oppression, or to entrap ignorant offenders. lYtty courts consequently began to appear, where the law was administered with nearly as much wisdom and impartiality us in those august tribunals, the aldtTim -n's and justices' courts of the present day. Tin- plaintiff was generally favoured, as being a cus- tomer, and bringing business to the shop; the offences of tin- rich wi-n- iii>cTi-rtly winked at, for fear of hurting tin- tec-iiii>^ ;:!' tlu ir frii-nds; but it could never be laid to the charge of the vigilant burgo- ma.-t.-i.-. that they suffered vice to skulk uii]>unislird, uudt-r the disgraceful rags of poverty. . 188 HISTORY OF About this time may we date the first introduction of capital punishments: a goodly gallows being erected on the waterside, about where Whitehall-stairs are at present, a little to the east of the battery. Hard by, also, was erected another gibbet, of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable description, but on which the ingenious William Kieft valued himself not a little, being a punishment entirely of his own invention.* It was, for loftiness of altitude, not a whit inferior to that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being suspended by the neck, according to venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an hour together, dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth, to the infinite entertain- ment, and, doubtless, great edification of the multi- tude of the respectable citizens, who usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind. It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries and mirth- ful conceits to "utter upon these occasions. He called them his dandle-lions, his wild-fowl, his high-fliers, his spread-eagles, his goshawks, his scare-crows, and, finally, his galloivsbirds; which ingenious appel- lation, though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this strange manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all candidates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may credit the assertions of certain grave etymolo- gists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their multifarious breeches, and which has of late years * Both the gibbets may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker, prefixed to the work. M W YORK. 189 revived, and continues to be worn at the pre- sent day. Such were the admirable improvements of William Kirf't in criminal law; nor was his civil code less a matter <>t' wonderment: and much does it grieve me tliat the limits of my M oik will not suffer me to expa- tiate on Ixitli with the prolixity they deserve. Let it suffice, then, to say, that in a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became notoriously apparent. It wa- soon tumid necessary to have a certain class of UK ii to expound and confound them; divers pettifog- rdingly made their appearance, under whose protecting care the community was soon set together by the ears. I would not here be thought to insinuate any thing iratory to the profesision of the law, or to its digni- tied memb< re. \Yell am I aware that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy gentlemen, who have embraced that honourable order, not for the sordid love of tilth\ Inert-, nor the selfish cravings of renown, but through no other motives than a fervent zeal for the corn ct administration of justice, and a generous and disinterested devotion to the interests of their fellow-citi/en- '. Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into tin flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for ever. than infringe, even for a nail's-breadth, upon the dignity of thi> truly benevolent class of citizens; on the contrary. 1 allude solely to that crew of caitiff scout.-, who. in the-- latter days of evil, have become -o numerous: who infe-t the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights the honourable order of chivalry: who, under its auspices, commit their depredations on society; who thrive by <|iiil)bles, piirks, and chicanery: and, like vermin, swarm mo-t where there i- mo-t corruption. Nothing so soon awaken- the malevolent passions as 190 HISTORY OF the facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be so constantly crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper with the passions of the lower and more ignorant classes; who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are always ready to heighten it, by the bit- terness of litigation. They are in law what quacks are in medicine exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting by the cure; and retarding the cure for the purpose of augmenting the fees. Where one destroys the constitution, the other impoverishes the purse; and it may likewise be observed, that a patient who has once been under the hands of a quack, is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with infallible remedies; and an ignorant man, who has once meddled with the law, under the auspices of one of these empirics, is for ever after embroiling himself with his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with successful law-suits. My readers will excuse this digression, into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could riot avoid giving a cool unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this excel- lent city, and with the effects of which I am unluckily acquainted to my cost; having been nearly ruined by a law-suit, which was unjustly decided against me, and my ruin having been completed by another, which was decided in my favour. It has been remarked by .the observant writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the administration of Wilhelmus Kieffc, the disposition of the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an essential change, so that they became very meddlesome and factious. The constant exacerbations of temper into which the little governor was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, and unfortunate propensity to experiment and NEW YORK. 191 innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a continual worry ; and the council. being to the people at large, what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw tin 1 whole community into a ferment; and the people at large being to the city what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent operated most disastrously upon New Amsterdam ; insomuch that, in certain of their paroxysms of con- -tt niation and perplexity, they begat several of the most crooked, distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, with which this metropolis is disfigured. But the worst of the matter was, that just about this time, the mob, since called the sovereign people, like ttalaanvs ass, began to grow more enlightened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire of govern- ing it.-i-lf. This was another effect of the " universal acquirements" of William the Testy. In some of his pe-tilent researches among the rubbish of anti- (juity, he was struck with admiration at the insti- tution of public tables among the Lacedaemonians, win re they discussed topics of a general and inter- e.-ting nature; at the schools of the philosophers, where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics and moral-: where greybeards were taught the rudi- ment- of wisdom, and youths learned to become little nun, before they were boys. "There is nothing," -aid the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book, " there is nothing more essential to the well-manage- ment of a country, than education among the people; the basis of a good government should be laid in the public mind." Now, this was true enough; but it was the wa\ ward late of William the Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance he could scarcely eat or sleep, until lie had sc.t on foot brawling debating tii -. among the simple citizens of New Amster- 192 HISTORY OF dam. This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. The honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little given to argument or wordy alter- cation, yet by dint of meeting often together, fuddling themselves with strong drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and listening to the harangues of some half a dozen oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and, as is always the case where the mob is poli- tically enlightened, exceedingly discontented. They found out, with wonderful quickness of discernment, the fearful error in which they had indulged, in fan- cying themselves the happiest people in creation ; and were fortunately convinced that, all circumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very un- happy, deluded, and consequently ruined people! In a short time the quidnuncs of New Amsterdam formed themselves into sage juntos of political croak- ers, who daily meet together to groan over political affairs, and make themselves miserable; thronging to these unhappy assemblages with the same eager- ness that zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of religion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamentation : like lubberly monks, we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in the music of oui 1 own groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox ; daily experience shows the truth of these observations. It is next to a farce to offer consolation, or to think of elevating the spirits of a man groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing is more easy than to render him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him off thence. NEW YORK. 198 In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the philo- sophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of tlioM- sapient convocations called popular meetings, jnwalent in our day. Thither resort all those idlers and "Mjuires of low degree," who, like rags, hang upon the back of society, and are ready to be blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls, and hastened thither to give Irs*. ins on political economy; blacksmiths left their handicraft, and suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of faction; and even tailors, though but the shreds and patche.-, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own measures, to attend to the measures of govern- ment. Nothing was wanting but half a dozen news- papers and patriotic editors, to have completed this public illumination, and to have thrown the whole province in an uproar! I should not forget to mention, that these popular meetings were always held at a noted tavern ; for houses of that description have always been found the ni'Kt congenial nurseries of politics; abounding with those genial streams which give strength and sus- te nance to faction. We are told that the ancient Ger- mans had an admirable mode of treating any question of importance; they first deliberated upon it when drunk, and afterwards re-considered it when sober. Tin- shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk; by which moans a world of cold and tedious speculations is dispensed with; and, as it is universally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees i; it lollow> most conclusively that he sees twin well as his sober neighbours. 194 HISTORY OF CHAPTER VI. Of the great Pipe Plot and of the dolorous Perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the Multitude. WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been made manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. He was of an active or rather a busy mind ; that is to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, that make up by bustle and constant motion, for the want of great scope and power. He had, when quite a youngling, been impressed with the advice of Solo- mon, " Go to the ant, thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise:" in conformity to which, he had ever been of a restless, antlike turn, worrying hither and thither, busying himself about little matters, with an air of great importance and anxiety ; laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at a grain of mustard-seed, under the full conviction that he was moving a mountain. Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliberation, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit the universal practice of smoking. This he proved, by mathema- tical demonstration, to be not merely a heavy tax on the public pocket, but an incredible consumer of time, a hideous encourager of idleness, and, of course, a deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of the people. Ill-fated Kieft! had he lived in this enlight- ened and libel-loving age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could not have struck more closely on the sensibilities of the million. The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the \ constitutional gravity of their deportment would per- \ niit : a mob of factious citizens had even the hardihood M.W YORK. 195 lo before the governor's house, where, set- t In-ill-! 1\ i - resolutely doM n. like a besieging army before a lortn >-, tln-y one and all fell to smoking with a determined per-everance, that seemed as though it their intention to smoke him into terms. The William issued out of his mansion like unto a wrathful spider, ami demanded to know the cause of this -edition- a-semblage, and this lawless fumigation; to \\hic-ii tii r -turdy riotrrs made no other reply, than to loll hack mo-t plegmatically in their seats, and puff away with redoubled fury; whereby they/ ! such a nmrky cloud, that the governor was fain I ke refuge in the interior of his castle. ^ The L:overiior immediately perceived the object of this iinii-ual tumult, and that it would be impossible to suppress a practice which, by long indulgence, had I nature. And here I would observe, partly to explain why I have so often made mention ot this practice in my history, that it was inseparably connected with all the affairs, both public and private, of our revered ance-tor<. The pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the true-born Nederlander. It Ma- hi- companion in solitude, the relaxation of hi- gayer hours. hi> comix llor, his consoler, his joy, his pride; in a \\ord, he seemed to think and breath- through his ])ipe. When William the Testy bethought himself of all r-. which he certainly did, although a little too late, he came to a conipromi-i- with the bcsieginj: multitude. The result was that though he continued init the cu-tom of smukini;, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes, which were u-ed in the days ot Wouter \"an Tuiller, denoting ease, tranquillity, and -ohri- ty of deportment; and in place thereof, dii, nee little captious short pipes, two incln - lei)'_'th; which, he ol)--rvi d. could be stuck in one o _' lyb HISTORY OF corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hatband, and Mould not be in the way of business. By this the multitude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to their habitations. Thus ended this alarming insur- rection, which was long known by the name of the Pipe Plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere smoke. But mark, oh reader! the deplorable consequences that did afterwards result. The smoke of these vil- lanous little pipes, continually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the people that used them as vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor ; nay, what is more, from a good burly race of folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, leathern- hided race of men. Nor was this all; for from hence may we date the rise of parties in this province. Certain of the more wealthy and important burghers, adhering to the ancient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, which went by the appellation of the Long Pipes, while the lower orders, submitting to the innovation, which they found to be more convenient in their handicraft employ- ments, and to leave them more liberty of action, were branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes. A third party likewise sprang up, differing from both the others, headed by the descendants of the famous Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. These entirely discarded the use of pipes, and took to chewing tobacco; and hence they were called Quids. It is worthy of notice, that this last appellation has since come to be invariably applied to those mongrel or third parties, that will sometimes spring up between NEW YORK. 197 t\vn great contending parties, as a mule is produced between u horse and an ass. And here I would remark the great benefit of these ] tarty distinctions, by which the people at large are su\, d tin- vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into three classes; those who think for them- >< -Ivex. those who let others think for them, and those who will neither do one nor the other. The second da--, however, comprises the great mass of society, and hence is the origin of party, by which is meant a large body of people, some few of whom think, and all the rest talk. The former, who are called the leaders, marshal out and discipline the latter, teaching them what they must approve, what they must hoot at, what they must say, whom they must support, but, above all, whom they must hate; for no man can be a right good partisan, unless he be a determined and thorough-going hater. But when the sovereign people are thus properly broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is delectable to see witli what docility and harmony they jog onward, through mud and mire, at the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt-carts of faction at their heds. How many a patriotic member of congress have. I seen, who would never have known how to make up his mind on any question, and might have run a great risk of voting right by mere accident, had In- not hud others to think for him, and a file leader t" vote after. Thus, then, the enlightened inhabitants of the Man- hattoes, being divided into parties, were enabled to :iii/e dieiision. and to oppose and hate one an- other more accurately. And now the great business of pnlitie- \\ent bravely on ; the parties assembling in -ejiarate l>eer-lioii-e-<, and smoking at eaeh other with implacable animosity, to the great -upport of the state, 198 HISTORY OF and emolument of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, who were more zealous than the re.st, went further, and began to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and scandalous little words, to be found in the Dutch language; every partisan believing religiously that he was serving his country, when he traduced the character, or impoverished the pocket of a political adversary. But, however they might differ between themselves, all parties agreed on one point to cavil at and condemn every measure of government, whether right or wrong; for, as the governor was by his station independent of their power, and was not elected by their choice, and as he had not decided in favour of either faction, neither of them was inte- rested in his success, nor in the prosperity of the country while under his administration. "Unhappy William Kieft!" exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, "doomed to contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a people too wise to be governed!" All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled and set at nought, and all his measures for the public safety were cavilled at by the people. Did he pro- pose levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence, the mob, that is to say, those vagabond members of the community who have nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their interests were in danger; that a standing army was a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society ; a rod of iron in the hands of government; and that a government with a military force at its command, would inevitably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then hastily col- lect a handful of undisciplined vagrants, the measure was hooted at, as feeble and inadequate; as trifling NEW YORK. 199 with the public dignity and safety; and as lavishing tin- public funds on impotent enterprises. Did he < to the economic measure of proclamation, he was laughed at by the Yankees. Did he back it by non-intercourse, it was evaded and counteracted by lii- own subjects. Whichever way he turned himself he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions of numerous and respectable meetings," consisting of half a dozen brawling pot-house politicians; all of which he read, and, what is worse, all of which he attended to. The consequence was, that l>y inces- santly changing his measures, he gave none of them a fair trial; and by listening to the clamours of the mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, he, in sober truth, did nothing. I would not have it supposed, however, that he took all these memorials and interferences good-naturedly, tor such an idea would do an injustice to his valiant >pirit; on the contrary, he never received a piece of advice in the whole course of his life, without first _ r . uinu r into a passion with the giver. But I have observed that your passionate' little men, like 1 boats with large sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their course; and this is demonstrated l>\ (ii>\ ( nior Kirft, who, though in temperament as iiot as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of which was subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tor- nadocs. y-t never tailed to be carried away by the last piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him that his power \\.us not dependent on the gir;i~y multitude, and that as yet the populace did not possess the important privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. They, however, like a true mob, did their best to help along public affairs; pestering their governor incessantly, by goading him on \vith harangues and petitions; and then thwarting his fiery 200 HISTORY OF spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of Sunday-jockeys, managing an unlucky devil of a hack- horse: so that Wilhelmus Kieft may be said to have been kept either on a worry or a hand-gallop, through- out the whole of his administration. CHAPTER VII. Containing divers fearful Accounts of Border Wars, and the flagrant Outrages of the Moss-Troopers of Connecticut with the Rise of the great Amphyctionic Council of the East, and the Decline of William the Testy. IT was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who were intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other with misfor- tunes; and it verily seems as if the latter had been completely overturned, and left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Nederlandts. Among the many internal and external causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions of the Yankees upon his frontiers were continually adding fuel to the inflammable temper of William the Testy. Numerous accounts of these molestations may still be found among the records of the times ; for the commanders on the frontiers were especially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, by striving who should send home the most frequent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful servant is eternally running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty squabbles and misdemeanours of the kitchen. All these valiant tale-bearings were listened to with great wrath by the passionate Kieft and his subjects, who were to the full as eager to hear, and credulous to believe these frontier fables, as are my fellow citizens to swallow those amusing NEW YORK. ^01 stories with which our papers are daily filled, about Brit Mi ;i'_ r i:n -sions at sea, French sequestrations on . Spanish infringements in the promised land of Louisiana, and, above all, internal plots and con- spiracies. We are told by the good Plutarch, in his Life of Nicias, that the terrible defeats of the Athenians in Sicily was first mentioned in the shop of a gos- sipping barber at the Piraeus. Whereupon, with the customary oHiciousness of his tribe, he ran up into Athcn> to have the first telling of the story, and threw the whole forum into consternation. Not being able, however, to substantiate his tale, the unlucky shaver was put upon the wheel, and whirled about, as a reward for his trouble, until he was exculpated by tin; arrival of other evidence. Such was the manner in which busy alarmists and manufacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens; \\ herea> in our more enlightened country we support whole herds of editors for no other purpose than to gratify a public appetite for direful news; and any man \\ ho can foist up a full-sounding, hobgoblin story of a plot or conspiracy, may command his own price for it. I have known two or three of these tales of terror to be bought up by government, for the sovereign people to amuse themselves withal; which goes further to prove, what I have before asserted, that your enlight- en- il people love to be miserable. 1 ar be it from me to insinuate, however, that our worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms; on the contrary, they were daily suffering a repetition of cruel wrongs,* not one of which but was a sufficient From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to jtulpe, if our ;HK ot'ir> wrrr not justitiaMe in getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion: HISTORY OF reason, according to the maxims of national dignity and honour, for throwing the whole universe into hostility and confusion. O ye powers! into what indignation did every one of these outrages throw the philosophic William! Letter after letter, protest after protest, proclamation after proclamation, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch were exhausted in vain upon the inexorable Yankees; and the four-ancl -twenty letters of the alphabet, which, excepting his champion, the sturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing army he had at his command, were never off duty throughout the whole of his administration. Nor did Anthony, thetrumpeter, remainawhitbehind his patron the gallant Kieft, in his fiery zeal ; but like a faithful champion and preserver of the public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article of news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts, with most disastrous notes, throwing the people into violent alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times and seasons; which caused him to be held in very great regard, the public pampering and rewarding him, as 24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of the vlact or common, and shut it up out of mere hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye ! 26 July. The fore mencioned English did againe drive -the Companie's hoggs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford ; contending daily with reproaches, blows, beating the people with all disgrace that they could imagine. May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut loose a horse of the honoured Companie's, that stood bound upon the common or vlact. May9, 1643. The Companie's horses pastured upon theCom- panie's ground were driven away by them of Connecticut and Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks. 16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Com- panie, which piggs had pastured on the Companie's land. Haz. Col. State Pap. NEW YORK. 203 lo brawling editor*, for reasons tliat have; just 1). (ii in. ntioncil. 1 am well aware of the perils that (iniron mi- in tliis part of my history. While raking with curious hands but pious In art among the moul- dering remains of former days, anxious to draw there- from the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat like that valiant worthy Samson, who, in meddling with the eurea. of a dt ad lion, drew a swarm of bees about his ears. Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of the Ynnokic or Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but I oH't nd the morbid sensibilities of certain of their miiva-onable descendants, who may fly out and raise such a liu/./inj: about this unlucky head of mine, that 1 -hall need the tough hide of an Achilles or an Orlando Furioso, to protect me from their stings. Should >uch be the case, I should deeply and sin- reivly lament not my misfortune in giving offence, but flu- wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured ration, in taking offence at any thing I say. That their ancestors did use my ancestors ill, is true, and I am very sorry for it. I would with all my heart the fact were otherwi.sc, but as I am recording the f history, I'd not bate one nail's-breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole edition of my work should be bought up and burned !>y the common hangman of Connecticut. And, in sooth, i;ou that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, 1 will make bold to go further, and observe, that this i- one df the grand purposes for which we impartial historian- are sent into the world to ivdn wrongs and render JMtice <>n the head- of the guilty. So tliat, though a )>o\\( i fill mition may wrong its neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later an his- torian springs up, who wreaks ample chastisement <.n it in return. Tim-, tlie-e mosstroopers of the eaM little thuught, 204 HISTORY Of I'll warrant it, while they were harassing the inoffen- sive province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, that an historian should ever arise, and give them their own, with interest. Since, then, I am butperforming my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology; and indeed, when it is considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the east in my power, and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct myself with great humanity and moderation. To resume, then, the course of my history. Appear- ances to the eastward began now to assume a more formidable aspect than ever; for I would have you to note, that hitherto the province had been chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford; which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, was the strong- hold of these sturdy moss-troopers, from whence they sallied forth, on their daring incursions, carrying terror and devastation into the barns, the henroosts, and pigsties of our revered ancestors. Albeit about the year 1643 the people of the east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachusets, Con- necticut, New Plymouth, and New Haven, gathered together into a mighty conclave, and, after buzzing and debating for many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming time, at length settled themselves into a formidable confederation, under the title of the United Colonies of New England. By this union they pledged themselves to stand by one another in all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in all mea- sures, offensive and defensive, against the surrounding savages, among which were doubtlessly included our honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes; and, to give more strength and system to this confederation, a NEW YORK. 205 :t--e!!illy or grand council was to be annually held, oompo-. il of representatives from each of the provih On receiving accounts of this puissant combination, tlic fiery \Vilhelnms was struck with vast consterna- tion, ami. tor the first time in his whole life, forgot to bounce, at bearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence; \vliich, a venerable historian of the times observes, was e-p< cially noticed among the sage politicians of Amsterdam. The truth was, on turning over in his iniiul all that he had read at the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he found that this was an i \a< t imitation of the famous Amphyctionic council, by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain >ucli power and supremacy; and the very idea made his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the Munhattoes. He strenuou>ly insi ? ted, that the whole object of this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders out ot their lair domains; and always flew into a great if any one presumed to doubt the probability of hi- conjecture. Nor was he wholly unwarranted in such a -ii.-picioii; for at the very first annual meeting of the '.'rand council, held at Boston (which governor Kit -ft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic 1 a-iie. i strong representations were made against the Nedei lander-, for as much as that in their dealing with the Indians they carried on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott; a trade damnable and injurious to the colonists."* Not but what certain of the C'oiniecticut traders did likewise dabble a little in thi.- "damnable traffic;" but, then, they always sold the Indian- Mich -curvy guns that they burst at the tii-t discharire, and euii-njnently hurt no one but ':M -i Pagan u * Ha/. ( I. S. Papers. 206 HISTORY OF The rise of this potent confederacy was a death- blow to the glory of William the Testy; for from that day forward, it was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but appeared quite crest-fallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords but scanty food for the historic pen. We find the grand council con- tinually augmenting in power, and threatening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless province of Nieuw Nederlandts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept constantly firing off his proclamations and protests, like a shrewd sea captain firing off so many carro- nades and swivels, in order to break and disperse a water-spout; but, alas! they had no more effect than if they had been so many blank cartridges. The last document on record of this learned, phi- losophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long letter to the council of the Amphyctions; wherein, in the bitterness of his heart, he rails at the people of New Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncourteous contempt of his protest levelled at them for squatting within the province of their high mightinesses. From this letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abound- ing with pithy apophthegms and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract the following recondite passage:* " Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb, or the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out to his mother, chideing with her neighbours, ' Oh, Mother, revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' But being taught by precedent pas- sages, we received such an answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New Haven as we expected: the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle-fly: yet notwith- standing we doe undauntedly continue on our purpose * Vide Haz. Col. State Papers. M'W YORK. -07 of pursuing our own right, by just arms and righteous means, and doe hope without scruple to execute the expn 'ss commands of our superiours." To show that tin's la-t sentence was not a mere empty menace, he concluded liis letter by intrepidly protesting against tin- whole council, as a horde of squatters and inter- loper*: iiia-much as they held their meeting at New Haven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being within the Province of the New Netherlands. Tims end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of \Yillium the Testy; for henceforth, in the troubles, the perplexities, and the confusion of the times, he >eems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped for ever through the fingers of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or other which I cannot divine, there appears to have been a combina- tion among historians to sink his very name into oblivion ; in consequence of which they have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits. This shows ho\\ important it is for great men to cultivate the favour of the learned, if they are ambitious of honour and renown. In-ult not the dervise," said a wi> and obscurity should hang over the latter days of the illustrious Kieft; for he was a ty and great little man, worthy of being utterly renowned. -, , ji,.^ that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land the art of fighting by pro- clamation, and defending a country by trumpeter- and wibdmilb; an economic and humane mode (' war- fare, Miu'u revived with great applause, and \\hich 208 HISTORY OF promises, if it can ever be carried into full effect, to save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the discovery of gun- powder or the invention of torpedoes. It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking the advantage of the mysterious exit of William the Testy, have fabled that, like Ro- mulus, lie was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of the Crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good < King Arthur; who, we are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of Fairy- land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour, and will one day or another return to rescue poor old England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifog- ging cabinets, and restore the gallantry, the honour, and the immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.* All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibility.- Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient and rather apo- cryphal historian, who alleges that the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills ; nor to that of a writer of later * The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not . dead, but carried awaie by the faries into some pleasent place, where he should remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great authority as ever. HOLLINGSHED. The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn. He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof yet have doubte and shullen for ever more for men wyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede. DE I EEW CIIROX. NEW YORK. 209 times who affirms that he fell a victim to a philoso- phical experiment, \\hich he had for many years been vainly striving to accomplish; having the misfortune to break his neck from the garret-window of the StatltlimiM 1 , in an ineffectual attempt to catch swal- lows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails. Tin' most probable account, and to which I am inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in avery obscure tradition, which declares, that what with the constant troubles on his frontiers, the incessant Ncheinings and projects going on in his own peri- cranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and pieces of advice from divers respectable meet- ings of the sovereign people, together with the refrac- tory disposition of his council, who were sure to (litter from him on every point, and uniformly to be in tin wrong: all these, I say, did eternally operate to k> i p his niiinl in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family pipe which has passed through three genera- tions of hard smokers. In this manner did the cho- leric but magnanimous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming away like a farthing rush-light; so that when grim death finally -nurt'ed him out, there was scarce left enough of him to bury ! END OF BOOK FOURTH. 210 HISTORY OF BOOK V. CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OP PETER STCYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL, CHAPTER I. In which the death of a great Man is shown to be no very incon- solable Matter of Sorrow and how Peter Stuy vesant acquired a great Name from the uncommon Strength of his Head. To a profound philosopher, like myself, who am apt to see clear through a subject, where the penetra- tion of ordinary people extends but half way, there is no fact more simple and manifest than that the death of a great man is a matter of very little importance. Much as we may think of ourselves, and much as \ve may excite the empty plaudits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but an exceeding small space in the world; and it is equally certain, that even that small space is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what conse- quence is it," said the elegant Pliny, " that indivi- duals appear or make their exit? The world is a theatre, whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Never did philosopher speak more cor- rectly ; and I only wonder, that so wise a remark could have existed so many ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in the foot- steps of sage; one hero just steps out of his triumphal car, to make way for the hero who comes after him; and, of the proudest monarch it is merely said, that NEW YORK. 211 " he slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned in his stead." The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their loss, and, if left to itself, would soon forget to grieve; ami though a nation has often been figura- tively tlrnwiM il in tears on the death of a great man, yet it i> ten chances to one if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is the historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden of grief to sustain ; who, kind souls ! like undertakers in Kngland, act the part of chief mourners ; who in- Hate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in pror-e, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow- dtixcns are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamentations made in their name, as are those men of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom they i ously pleased on divers occasions to become Min ' The most glorious and praiseworthy hero that ever desolated nations mi^ht have mouldered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument, did nut -nine historian take him into favour, and benevolently transmit his name to posterity : and, much as the valiant William Kiet't worried, and bustled, and tur- moili d. while he had the destinies of a whole colony in his hand. I question seriously whether lie will not In olili^ud to this authentic history for all his future celebrity. His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New Amsterdam or its vicinity; the earth trembled r - HISTORY OF not, neither did any stars shoot from their spheres; the heavens were not shrouded in black, as poets would fain persuade us they have been, on the unfor- tunate death of a hero; the rocks (hard-hearted var- lets !) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow; and, as to the sun, he laid abed the next night, just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same day of the month in any year, either before or since. The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was " the father of his coun- try;" that he was " the noblest work of God ;" that " he was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look upon his like again ;" together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches, that are regu- larly said on the death of all great men ; after which they smoked their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station. Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned WouterVan T wilier, he was also the best of our ancient Dutch governors; Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him, and Pieter or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having never been equalled by any successor. He was, in fact, the very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent, immaculate, and unrelenting of all ancient and immor- tal spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion. To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice ; he was, in truth, a combination of heroes ; for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned make, like Ajax Telamon, so famous for his prowess in be- labouring the little Trojans; with a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules would have given his hide NEW YORK. 213 for (moan ing his lion's hide,) when he undertook to old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and, like the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign con- tempt tor the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressi- bly heightened by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have priced any of their heroes; for it is worth all the scare and wounds in the Iliad and JEneid, or Lucan's Pharsalia into the bargain. This was nothing less than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only prize lie had gained in bravely fighting the battles of liis country ; but of which he was so proud that he wa- often heard to declare he valued it more than all hi> other limbs put together; indeed, so highly did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and relieved with ^ilver devices, which caused it to be related in divers histories and legends, that he wore a silver leg.* Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was some- what .bjcct to extempore bursts of passion, which were ofttimes rather unpleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illustrious imitator, Peter the (ireat. by anointing their shoulders with his walking- staff. Hut the resemblance for which I most value him \va-~ that which he bore in many particulars to the renowned Charlemagne. Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom I'uine, yetdid he some- See the Hi-mrifs <>( Masters Josselyn and Blome. 214 HISTORY OF times manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one would hardly expect from a man who did not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing his province after the sim- plest manner; but then he contrived to keep it in better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made but very few laws ; but then, again, he took care that those few were rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know but justice, on the whole, was as well administered as if there had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily neglected and forgotten. He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predeces- sors, being neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgetting, like William the Testy; but a man, or rather a governor, of such un- common activity and decision of mind, that he never sought or accepted the advice of others ; depending confidently upon his single head, as did the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to work his way through all difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he wanted no other requisite for a perfect statesman than to think always right, for no one can deny that he always acted as he thought ; and if he wanted in correctness, he made up for it in perseverance an excellent quality ! since it is surely more dignified for a ruler to be persevering and consistent in error, than wavering and contradictory in endeavouring to do what is right ; this much is certain, and it is a maxim worthy the attention of all legislators, both great and small, who stand shaking in the wind, without knowing which way to steer. A ruler who acts according to \V YORK. 215 hN own will is sure of pleasing himself ; while he who i to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs a great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, and points steadfastly in one direction, is certain of being right twice in the four-and-twenty hmirs; while others may keep going continually, and continually be going wrong. Nor did tliis magnanimous virtue escape the dis- cernment of the good people of Nieuw Nederlandts; on the contrary, so high an opinion had they of the independent mind and vigorous intellects of their new rovi-rnor, that they universally called him Hard- k"j>pig Piet, or PETER THE HEADSTRONG a great compliment to his understanding! It' from all that I have said thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, >tunly. valiant. \\ rather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either I have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at drawing conclusions. Tliis most excellent governor, whose character I have thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his administration on the 29th of May, 1647; a remark- ably stormy day, distinguished in all the almanacs of the time wliieh have come down to us, by the name of ll'iiidi/ Friday. As he was very jealous of his per- sonal and official dignity, he was inaugurated into oth'ee with great ceremony; the goodly oaken chair of the renowned VVouter Van Twiller being carefully pn served for such occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone were reverentially preserved at Scone in Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledonian monarch*. I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous of the elements, together with it being that unlucky day of the week, termed "hanging-day," did 216 HISTORY OF not fail to excite much grave speculation, and divers very reasonable apprehensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little skilled in the mysteries of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare outright, that they were omens of a disastrous admi- nistration; an event that came to be lamentably verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those preternatural intimations fur- nished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of geese, on which the sage^ and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance; or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully noted and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our day; who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and preservers of the ancient science of divination. This much is certain, that Governor Stuy vesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbu- lent period; when foes thronged and threatened from without; when anarchy and stiff-necked opposition reigned rampant within; when the authority of their high mightinesses the lords states-general, though founded on the broad Dutch bottom of unoffending imbecility; though supported by economy, and de- fended by speeches, protests, proclamations, yet tottered to its very centre; and when the great city of New Amsterdam, though fortified by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed, like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lay open to attack, and ready to yield to the first invader. S 1 U YORK. 217 CHAPTER II. Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the Rats and Cobwebs, on entering into office and the perilous Mistake he was guilty of in his Dealings with tin- Amphyctions, THK very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of government, displayed the magna- nimity lit' his mini I. though they occasioned not a little marvfl and uneasiness among the people of the Manliattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the sage advice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves, during the preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous abominations. ' 1\ , therefore, had he entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office all those meddlesome spirit^ that composed the factious cabinet of William the Te>ty; iii place of whom he chose unto himself counsellor-, from those fat, somniferous, respectable families, that had flourished and slumbered under the reign of Walter the Doubter. All these he '1 to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sli ep, for the good of the nation, while he took all the burden of government upon his own shoulders; an arrangement to which they all gave a hearty acquies- cence. Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions ;uid expedients of his learned predecessor; demolUliini; liis Hag->tatfs and windmills. \\hich. like mighty giants, guarded the rampart > of Ni-w . \m-ti rd. mi ; pitching to the duyvel whole bat- teries of quaker-gun*; rooting up his patent gallon <, 218 HISTORY OF where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waist- band; and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, economic, and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam. The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of their matchless champion, Anthony the trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of the women, by means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his presence, and, eyeing him for a moment from head to foot, with a countenance that would have appalled any thing else than a sounder of brass: "Prythee, who and what are thou?" said he. " Sire," replied the other, in no wise dismayed, " for my name, it is Anthony Van Corlear; for my parent- age, I am the son of my mother; for my profession, I am champion and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam." " I doubt me much," said Peter Stuy- vesant, " that thou art some scurvy costardmonger knave: how didst thou acquire this paramount honour and dignity?" " Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great man before me, simply by sounding my own trumpet" " Ay, is it so?" quoth the governor; " why, then, let us have a relish of thy art." Where- upon he put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a charge, with such a tremendous outset, such a delect- able quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to make your heart leap out of your mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by chance he hear the strains of martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts, and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet; for of him might truly be said whatM'as recorded of the renowned St. George of England, "there was nothing in all the world NEW YORK. 219 tli at more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly, t lu iv tore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in hisdiscourse, \< t dt' great di.MTction and immeasurable wind, he straightway conceived a vast kindness for him, and, discharging him from the troublesome duty of gar- risoning, defending, and alarming the city, ever after retained him about his person, as his chief favourite, confidential envoy, and trusty squire. Instead of dis- turbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the governor while at his repasts as did the minstrels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry; and on all public occasions to rejoice tlio ears of the people with warlike melody; thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. Many other alterations and reformations, both for the better and for the worse, did the governor make, of which my time will not serve me to record the particulars; suffice it to say, he soon contrived to make the province feel that he was its master, and treated the sovereign people with such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to hold their tongues, at home, and attend to their business; insomuch that party feuds and distinctions were almost forgotten, and many tli riving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were utterly ruined for want of business. Indeed, the critical state of public affairs at this time demanded the utmost vigilance and promptitude. The formidable council of the Amphyctions, which had caiiM'd .-<> much tribulation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued augmenting its forces, and threatened to link within its union all the mighty principalities and powers of the ea-t. In the very year following the inauguration of (Jovernor Stuyve- 220 HISTORY OF sant, a grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous women,) in behalf of the puissant plantation of Rhode Island, praying to be admitted into the league. The following mention is made of this application, in certain records of that assemblage of worthies, which are still extant.* " Mr. Will Cottington and Captain Partridg of Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to the commissioners in wrighting " Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode Hand that wee, the Ilanders of Rhoode Hand may be rescauied into combination with all the united colonyes of New England in a firme and perpetual! league of friendship and amity of offence and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions for our mutuall safety and welfaire, &c. " WILL COTTINGTON, " ALICXSANDER PARTRIDG." There is certainly something in the very phy- siognomy of this document, that might well inspire apprehension. The name of Alexander, however mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age ; and, though its fierceness is in some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge, still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter, moreover, and the soldierlike igno- rance of orthography displayed by the noble captain, Alicxsander Partridg, in spelling his own name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of Rhodes, like a second Ajax, strong in arms, potent in the field, and as great a scholar as though he had been educated among that learned people of Thrace, who, * Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. NEW YORK. 221 Aristotle azures us, could not count beyond the number four. But, whatever might be the threatening aspect of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not ;i man to In- kept in a state of incertitude and vague apprehension ; he liked nothing so much as to meet i lander face to face, and take it by the beard. Deter- mined. therefore, to put an end to all these petty maraudings on the borders, he wrote two or three _orical letters to the grand council; which, though neither couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced I iy rhetorical tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle-Hit , yet had more effect than all the elaborate epistl. s. protests, and proclamations of his learned predecessor, put together. In consequence of his urgent propositions, the great confederacy of the east agreed to enter into a final adjustment of grievances ami settlement of boundaries, to the end that a per- petual and happy peace might take place between the two powers. For this purpose Governor Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors to negotiate with commis- sioners from the p-and council of the league, and a treaty Mas solemnly concluded at Hartford. On receiving the intelligence of this event, the whole community was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of the sturdy Van Corlear sounded all day with joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Am- sterdam, and at night the city was magnificently illuminated with tw. i-hum I red-and-fifty tallow candles; besich > a barrel of tar, which was burned before the rnor's house, on the cheerini: aspect of public affairs. And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great and good IVter, congratulating himself with the idea, that his feeling* will no longer be molested by afflicting details of stolen horses broken heads, im- 222 HISTORY OF pounded hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart- rending cruelties, that disgraced these border wars. But if he should indulge in such expectations, it is a proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of cabinets; to convince him of which, I solicit his serious attention to my next chapter, wherein I will show that Peter Stuy vesant has already committed a great error in politics; and, by effecting a peace, has materially jeopardized the tranquillity of the province. CHAPTER III. Containing various Speculations on War and Negotiations showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great national Evil. IT was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucretius, that war was the original state of man; whom he described as being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been advocated by the learned Hobbes;* nor have there been wanting many other philosophers to admit and defend it. For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, in this instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by halves, believing, with Horace,-]- that though war may have been originally the favourite amusement and industrious employment of our pro- * Hobbes' Leviathan, parti, chap. 13. f Cum prorepserunt primis animalia terris, Mutum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro Pugnabant annis, quae post fabricaverat usus. HOR. Sat. L. i. S. 3. NEW YORK. genitors, yet, like many other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and civilization, and increases in exact proportion as we approach towards that statr dt' pi i -lection, which is the ne plus ultra of modern philosophy. The first conflict between man and man was the mere exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons; his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and dubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his sensibilities became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the art of murdering his fellow beings. He invented a thousand devices to defend and to assault; the helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound, as well as to launch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers of defence and injury. The aries, the scorpio, the balista, and the catapulta, give a horror and .sublimity to war, and magnify its glory by increasing its desolation. Still insatiable, though armed \vith machinery that seemed to reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of injury, eoimm 'iiMinite even with the desires of revenge, still deeper researcher, must be made in the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth; he toils mid-t poisonous minerals and deadly salts; the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world; and, finally, the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to endow the demon of \var with ubiquity and omnipotence! HISTORY OF This, indeed, is grand I this, indeed, marks the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlightened brutes content themselves with the native force which Providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors before him; the lion, the leopard, and the tiger, seek only with their talons and their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery; enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruction; arrogates the tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him in murdering his brother worm! In proportion as the art of war has increased in improvement, has the art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ; and, as we have discovered, in this age of wonders and inventions, that proclamation is the most formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no less ingenious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations. A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a negotiation, therefore, according to the acceptation of experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices; but a contest of skill between two powers, which shall overreach, and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain, by peaceful manreuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages which a nation would otherwise have wrested by force of arms. In the same manner that a conscientious high- wayman reforms, and becomes an excellent and praise- worthy citizen, contenting himself with cheating his ff YORK. 225 neighbour out of that property he would formerly have sei/.ed with t 11 violence. In t'. cf. the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of perfect amity, is when a negotiation U opt ii. and a treaty pending. Then, as there are no >tipulatioiis entered into, no bonds to restrain the will. no>pecific limits to awaken that captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature, as each party has Minn- advantage to hope and expect from the other; ilii-n it is that the two nations are so gracious and friendly to each other; their ministers professing the high^t mutual regard, exchanging billets-doux, mak- ing Hin- speeches, and indulging in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that do so marvellously tickle the good humour of the ctive nations. Thus it may paradoxically be -aid, that then- i< never so good an understanding be- naiinn-., as when there is a little misunder- -taiiding: and that, so long as they are on no terms, they are on the best terms in the world. I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having made the above political discovery. It has. in fact, long been secretly acted upon by certain en- lighten, d eabinets, and is, together with divers other notal>!e theories, privately copied out of the common- j)la< -honk of an illustrious gentleman, who has been member of congre-s and enjoyed the unlimited con- h'demv of head- of department^. To this principle may lie a-cribed the wonderful ingenuity that has been >hown of late yfars in protracting and interrupt- ing negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of appointing as ambassador some political pettifogger ^killed in delays. >o|>hi-ms. and misapprehensions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument; or some blundering statesman, whose errors and mi-con-trur- tions may be a pica for refusing to ratify his engage- Q '2'2G HISTORY OF ments. And hence, too, that most notable expedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of ambassadors ; who, having each an individual will to consult, character to establish, and interest to promote, you may as well look for unanimity and concord between two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. This disagreement, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impediments, in con- sequence of which the negotiation goes on swimmingly, inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles but time ; and, in a negotiation, according to the theory I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much time gained: with what delightful paradoxes does modern political economy abound ! Now, all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my readers, with treating of matters which must many a time have stared them in the face. But the propo- sition to which I would most earnestly call their attention is this, that thougli a negotiation be the most harmonizing of all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great political evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of war. I have rarely seen an instance of any special con- tract between individuals, that did not produce jea- lousies, bickerings, and often downright ruptures between them; nor did I ever know of a treaty between two nations, that did not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many worthy country neighbours have I known, who, after living in peace and good fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity, by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray cattle. And how many well-meaning nations. M.W YORK. '2-27 \vlio would otherwise have remained in the most amicable disposition towards each other, have been brought to swords' points about the infringement or mi-contniction of some treaty, which in an evil hour tlu v hail concluded by way of making their amity more sun-. Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest n quire- their fulfilment; consequently, they are virtually binding on the weaker party only, or, in plain truth, they are not binding at all. No nation will wantonly go to war with another, if it has nothing ; in thereby, and therefore needs no treaty to re- -train it from violence; and, if it have anything to gain. I inucli ipir-tion, from what I have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations, whether any treaty could be made, so strong that it could not thrust tin; -word through; nay, I would hold ten to one, the treaty itsi If would be the very source to which resort would be had to rind a pretext for hostilities Th us. therefore, I conclude, that though it is the br-t of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant iiation with its neighbours, yet it is the summit lly for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty; for then comes on the nonfulrilmeiit and infraction; then remonstrance, then altercation, then retaliation, then iviTimiiiatiori. and, finally, open war. In a word, negotiation is like courtship a time of sweet words, speeches, gallant -oft looks, and endearing can- but the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities 228 HISTORY OF CHAPTER IV. , How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his Adversaries the Moss Troopers and his Conduct thereupon. IF ray pains-taking reader be not somewhat per- plexed in the course of the ratiocination of my last chapter, he will doubtless at one glance perceive, that the great Peter, in concluding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guilty of a lamentable error and hete- rodoxy in politics. To this unlucky agreement may justly be ascribed a world of little infringements, alter- cations, negotiations, and bickerings, which afterwards took place between the irreproachable Stuyvesant and the evil-disposed council of Amphyctions. All these did not a little disturb the constitutional serenity of the good burghers of Mannahata; but, in sooth, they were so very pitiful in their nature and effects, that a grave historian, who grudges the time spent in any thing less than recording the fall of empires, and the revolution of worlds, would think them unworthy to be inscribed on his sacred page. The reader is therefore to take it for granted, though I scorn to waste in the detail that time which my furrowed brow and trembling hand inform me is inva- luable, that all the while the great Peter was occupied in those tremendous and bloody contests that I shall shortly rehearse, there was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling skirmishes, scourings, broils, and maraudings made on the eastern frontiers, by the moss-troopers of Connecticut. But, like that mirror of chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave these petty contests for some future Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen for achievements of higher dignity. Now did the great Peter conclude, that his labours N I U YOKK. ~2'2V liad come to a close in the east, and that he had iiotliint: to do but apply himself to the internal pros- perity of his beloved Manhattoes. Though a man of great modest}', he could not help boasting that he had at length shut the temple of Janus; and that, were all rulers like a certain person who should be nameless, it would never be opened again. But the exultation o often come near being made " Jio : than she should lie." I would notice In r con- >tant jealousies of poor old Kngland, \vlio, by hero\\n i;nt, has been incessantly trying to sap her honour, 230 HISTORY OF though, from ray soul, I never could believe the honest old gentleman meant her any rudeness. Whereas, on the contrary, I think I have several times caught her squeezing hands, and indulging in certain amorous oglings with that sad fellow Buonaparte, who all the world knows to be a great despoiler of national virtue, to have ruined all the empires in his neighbourhood, and to have debauched every republic that came m his way; but so it is, these rakes seem always to gain singular favour with the ladies. But*I crave pardon of my reader for thus wander- ing, and will endeavour, in some measure, to apply the foregoing remarks; for, in the year 1651, we are told that the great confederacy of the east accused the immaculate Pe,ter (the soul of honour and heart of steel,) that by divers gifts and promises, he had been secretly endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset,) Mohaque, and Pequot Indians, to surprise and massacre the Yankee settlements. "For," as the council slanderously observed, " the Indians round about for divers hundred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Manhatoes against the English, whoe have sought their good both in bodily and spirituall re- spects." History does not make mention how the great council of the Amphyctions came by this precious plot; whether it were honestly bought at a fair mar- ket price, or discovered by sheer good fortune. It is certain, however, that they examined divers Indians, who all swore to the fact, as sturdily as though they had been so many Christian troopers: and, to be more sure of their veracity, the sage council previously made every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, remembering an old and trite proverb, which it is not necessary for me to repeat MW YORK. 231 Though descended from a family which suffered much injury from the lost I Yankees of those times, my <;reat-grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his l>est pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose in one of these border : and my grandfather, when a very little boy triulmj; pig-, having been kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster; i -hould have passed over all these wrongs with fori:i\ci:es$ and oblivion: I could even have suffered them to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his _.-d regiment out of doors, carried every hog into cupti\ ity, and depopulated every hen-roost on the face of the earth, with perfect impunity; but this wanton attack upon one of the most gallant and irreproach- able heroes of modern times is too much even forme to digest, and has overset, with a single puff, the patience of the historian and the forbearance of the Dutchman. OIi reader, it was false; I swear to thee, it was tal-e! If thou hast any respect for my word, if the umleviating character for veracity which I have endea- voured t<> maintain throughout this work has its due weight with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander; for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuy- .t was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have suffered his right arm, or even lii^ : n |. u r - t<> e mMiiiie with slow and everlasting Hames. rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any other way than opt-n, generous warfare. Beshrew tlioM- eaitiif -couts, that con-pin d to sully his honest name by such ;m imputation. 1'eter Muyvesant, though lie perhaps had never heard of a knight-errant, yet had he a- true a heart SJ HISTORY OF of chivalry as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of native gallantry, a noble and generous hardihood diffused through his rugged manners, which altogether gave unquestionable tokens of an heroic mind. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand of Nature at a single heat; and, though she had taken no further care to polish and refine her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her skill. But, not to be figurative (a fault in historic writing, which I particularly eschew,) the great Peter pos- sessed, in an eminent degree, the seven renowned and noble virtues of knighthood, which, as he had never consulted authors in the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, I verily believe must have been implanted in the corner of his heart by Dame Nature herself; where they flourished among his hardy qualities, like so many sweet wild-flowers, shooting forth and thriv- ing with redundant luxuriance among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of Peter the Headstrong; and if my admiration for it has, on this occasion, transported my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes the laborious scribe of historic events, I can plead as an apology, that, though a little, grey-headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life, I still retain some portion of that celestial fire whicli sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating the virtues and achievements of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed be the good St. Nicho- las, that I have escaped the influence of that chilling apathy which too often freezes the sympathies of age; which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralyzing every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm. No sooner, then, did this scoundrel-imputation on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he v YORK. proceeded in a manner which would have redounded to lii< credit, even though he had studied for years in the library of Don Quixote himself. He immediately ih ^patched his valiant trumpeter and squire, Anthony Van Corlear, with orders to ride night and day, as herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproaching them in terms of noble indignation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen infidels, against the character of a Christian, a gentleman, and a soldier; and declaring, that as to the treacherous and bloody plot alleged again>t him, whoever affirmed it to be true, lied in his teeth ! to prove which, he defied the president of the council and all of his compeers, or, if they pleased, their pe.i-sant champion, Captain Alicxsander Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in a single com- liat, win -re he would trust the vindication of his inno- cence to the prowess of his arm. This challenge being delivered with due ceremony, Anthony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance before the whole council, ending with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in the face of Captain Partridg, who almost jumped out of his skin in an ecstasy of astonishment at the noise. This done, he mounted a tall Flanders mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily towards the Manhattoes, passing through Hartford, and Pyquag, and Middletown, and all the other bonier towns, twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of the Con- necticut resounded with the warlike melody; and stopping occa>ionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle with the beauteous 1; of tho-.e part. u hom he rejoiced exceedingly with hi-, soul-stirring instrument. But the urand council being composed of conside- rate men, had no idea of running a tilting with such a tiery hero as the hardy I'eter; on the contrary. 234 HISTORY OF they sent him an answer, couched in the meekest, the most mild, and provoking terms; in which they assured him that his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony of divers sober and respectable Indians, and concluding with this truly amiable paragraph : " For youre confidant denialls of the Barbarous plott charged will weigh little in balance against such evidence, soe that we must still require and seeke due satisfaction and securitie; soe we rest, " Sir, " Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." I am aware that the above transaction has been differently recorded by certain historians of the east, and elsewhere; who seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to the brave Peter and much good may their inheritance do them. These declare, that Peter Stuyvesant requested to have the charges against him inquired into, by commissioners to be appointed for the purpose; and yet, that when such commissioners were appointed, he refused to submit to their examination. In this artful account there is but the semblance of truth; he did, indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to submit his conduct to the rigorous inspection of a court of honour; but then he expected to find it an august tribunal, composed of courteous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of the new confederate plantations, and of the province of New Netherlands; where he might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank and dignity; whereas, let me perish if they did not send to the Man- hattoes two lean-sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-bags under their bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, as NEW YORK. 235 though they were about to beat the hoof from one country-court to another, in search of a law-suit. The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, took no notice of these cunning varlets; who, with professional industry, fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of ex parts evidence ; perplexing divers simple Indians and old women, with their cross-questioning, until they had contradicted and forswore themselves most horribly, as is too often done in our courts of justice. Thus, having fulfilled their errand to their own satis- faction, they returned to the grand council w r ith their satchels and saddle-bags stuffed full of villanous rumours, apocryphal stories, and outrageous calumnies ; for all which the great Peter did not care a tobacco- stopper; but I warrant me, had they attempted to play off the same trick upon William the Testy, he would have treated them both to an aerial gambol on his patent gallows. The grand council of the east held a very solemn meeting on the return of their envoys; and, after they had pondered a long time on the situation of affairs, were upon the point of adjourning without being able to agree upon any thing. At this critical moment one of those meddlesome, indefatigable spirits, who endeavour to establish a character for patriotism by blowing the bellows of party, until the whole furnace of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders; and who have just cunning enough to know that there is no time so favourable for getting on the people's backs as when they are in a state of turmoil, and attending to every body's business but their own: this aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great politician, because he had secured a seat in council by calumni- ating all his opponents; he, I say, conceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow that should secure his popularity among his constituents, who lived on the 236 HISTORY OF borders of Nieuw Nederlandts, and were the greatest poachers in Christendom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. Like a second Peter the Hermit, therefore, he stood forth and preached up a crusade against Peter Stuyvesant, and his devoted city. He made a speech which lasted six hours, according to the ancient custom in these parts; in which he represented the Dutch as a race of impious heretics, who neither believed in witchcraft nor the sovereign virtues of horse-shoes; who left their country for the lucre of gain ; not like themselves", for the enjoyment of liberty of conscience ; who, in short, were a race of mere cannibals and anthropophagi, inasmuch as they never eat cod-fish on Saturdays, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in utter contempt. This speech had the desired effect ; for the council, being awakened by the serjeant-at-arms, rubbed their eyes, and declared that it was just and politic to declare instant war against these unchristian anti- pumpkinites. But it was necessary that the people at large should first be prepared for this measure; and for this purpose the arguments of the orator were preached from the pulpit for several Sundays subse- quent, and earnestly recommended to the consideration of every good Christian, who professed, as well as practised, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we hear of the " Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political recruits in our country; and it proved of such signal efficacy, that it has since been called into frequent service throughout our union. A cunning politician is often found skulking under the clerical robe, with an outside all religion and an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poisons and antidotes NEW YORK. 237 on an apothecary's shelf; and, instead of a devout sermon, the simple church-going folk have often a political pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled with a pious text from Scripture. CHAPTER V. How the New Amsterdammers became great in Arms, and of the direful Catastrophe of a mighty Army together with Peter Stuyvesant's Measures to fortify the City and how he was the original Founder of the Battery. BUT notwithstanding that the grand council, as I have already shown, were amazingly discreet in their proceedings respecting the New Netherlands, and conducted the whole with almost as much silence and mystery as does the sage British cabinet one of its ill- starred secret expeditions, yet did the ever-watchful Peter receive as full and accurate information of every movement, as does the court of France of all the notable enterprises I have mentioned. He accordingly set himself to work, to render the machinations of his bitter adversaries abortive. I know that many will censure the precipitation of this stout-hearted old governor, in that he hurried into the expenses of fortification, without ascertaining whether they were necessary, by prudently waiting until the enemy was at the door. But they should recollect that Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an insight into the modern arcana of politics, and was strangely bigotted to certain obsolete maxims of the old school; among which he firmly believed, that, to render a country respected abroad, it was necessary to make it formidable at home; and that a nation should place its reliance for peace and security, more upon its own strength than on the justice or good-will of its 238 HISTORY OF neighbours. He proceeded, therefore, with all dili- gence, to put the province and metropolis in a strong posture of defence. Among the few remnants of ingenious inventions which remained from the days of William the Testy, were those impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws; by which the inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a-year, with such military equipments as it pleased God: and were put under the command of very valiant tailors and man-milliners, who, though on ordinary occasions the meekest, pippin-hearted, little men in the world, were very devils at parades and court-martials, when they had cocked hats on their heads, and swords by their sides. Under the instructions of these periodical warriors, the gallant train-bands made marvellous proficiency in the mystery of gunpowder. They were taught to face to the right, to wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks without winking, to turn a corner without any great uproar or irregularity, and to march through sun and rain, from one end of the town to the other, without flinching: until in the end they became so valorous that they fired oft blank cartridges, without so much as turning away their heads; could hear the largest field-piece discharged, without stopping their ears, or falling into much confusion; and would even go through all the fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade, without having their ranks much thinned by desertion! True it is, the genius of this truly pacific people was so little given to war, that, during the intervals which occurred between field-days, they generally contrived to forget all the military tuition they had received; so that when they reappeared on parade, they scarcely knew the butt-end of the musket from the muzzle, and invariably mistook the right shoulder for the left; a mistake which, however, was soon NEW YORK. 239 obviated by chalking their left arms. But whatever might be their blunders and awkwardness, the saga- cious Kieft declared them to be of but little impor- tance; since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign would be of more instruction to them than a hundred parades; for, though two-thirds of them might be food for powder, yet such of the other third as did not run away would become most experienced veterans. The great Stuyvesant had no particular veneration for the ingenious experiments and institutions of his shrewd predecessor, and, among other things, held the militia system in very considerable contempt; which he was often heard to call in joke for he was sometimes fond of a joke Governor Kieft's broken reed. As, however, the present emergency was pressing, he was obliged to avail himself of such means of defence as were next at hand, and accordingly ap- pointed a general inspection and parade of the train- bands. But, oh ! Mars and Bellona, and all ye other powers of war, both great and small, what a turning out was here ! Here came men without officers, and officers without men; long fowling-pieces and short blunderbusses ; muskets of all sorts and sizes, some without bayonets, others without locks, others without stocks, and many without lock, stock, or barrel. Cartridge-boxes, shot-belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets, snicker-snees, crow-bars, and broom- sticks, all mingled higgledy-piggledy, like one of our continental armies at the breaking out of the revo- lution. This sudden transformation of a pacific community into a band of warriors, is doubtless what is meant in modern days, by " putting a nation in armour," and " fixing it in an attitude;" in which armour and atti- tude it makes as martial a figure, and is likely to acquit itself with as much prowess, as the renowned 240 HISTORY OF Sancho Panza, when suddenly equipped to defend his Island of Barataria. The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with some such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil ; but knowing, like a wise man, that all he had to do was to make the best out of a bad bargain, he deter- mined to give his heroes a seasoning. Having, there- fore, drilled them through the manual exercise over and over again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards and forwards about the streets of New Amsterdam, and the fields adjacent, until their short legs ached, and their fat sides sweated again. But this wa* not all: the martial spirit of the old governor caught fire from the sprightly music of the fife, and he resolved to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste of the hardships of iron war. To this end, he encamped them, as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill, for- merly called Bunker's Hill, at some distance from the town, with a full intention of initiating them into the discipline of camps, and of renewing, the next day, the toils and perils of the field. But so it came to pass, that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, which descended in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army strangely melted away before it; so that, when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morning beams upon the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to be found of all the multitude that had encamped there the night before. This awful dissolution of his army would have ap- palled a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuy- vesant, but he considered it as a matter of but small importance, though he thenceforward regarded the militia system with ten times greater contempt than ever, and took care to provide himself with a good NEW YORK. 241 garrison of chosen men, whom he kept in pay; of whom he boasted, that they at least possessed the quality, indispensable in soldiers, of being water- proof. The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was to strengthen and fortify New Amsterdam. For this purpose he caused to be built a strong picket-fence, that reached across the island, from river to river, being intended to protect the city, not merely from the sudden invasions of foreign enemies, but likewise from the incursions of the neighbouring savages.* Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the build- ing of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly incorrect ; for a memorandum in the Stuyvesant manu- script, dated towards the middle of the governor's reign, mentions this wall particularly, as a very'strong and curious piece of workmanship, and the admira- tion of all the savages in the neighbourhood. And it mentions, moreover, the alarming circumstance of a drove of stray cows breaking through the grand wall of a dark night, by which the whole community of New Amsterdam was thrown into a terrible panic. In addition to this great wall, he cast up several outworks to Fort Amsterdam, to protect the sea- board at the point of the island. These consisted of formidable mud-batteries, solidly faced, after the man- * In an antique view of New Amsterdam, taken some years after the above period, is a representation of this wall, which stretched along the course of Wall-street, so called in comme- moration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the Land- Poort, opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present stands the Trinity Church; and another, called the Water- Poort, stood about where the Tontine Coffeehouse is at pre- sent, .opening upon Smits Vleye, or, as it is commonly called, Smith Fly, then a marshy valley, with a creek or inlet extend- ing up what we call Maiden Lane. R 242 HISTORY OF ner of the Dutch ovens, common in those days, with clam-shells. These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and clover, and their high embankments overshadowed by wide-spreading sycamores, among whose foliage the little birds sported about, rejoicing the ear with their melodious notes. The old burghers would re- pair of an afternoon to smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, contemplating the golden sun as he gradually sunk into the west an emblem of that tranquil end toward which themselves were hast- ening^ while the young men and the damsels of the town would take many a moonlight stroll among these favourite haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia tremble along the calm bosom of the bay, or light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and interchange the honest vows of constant affection. Such was the origin of that renowned walk, The Battery, which, though ostensibly devoted to the purposes of war^has ever been consecrated to the sweet delights of peace ; the favourite walk of declin- ing age; the healthful resort of the feeble invalid; the Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman ; the scene of many a boyish gambol ; the rendezvous of many a tender assignation ; the comfort of the citizen ; the ornament of New York ; and the pride of the lovely island of Mannahata. NEW YORK. 243 CHAPTER VI. How the People of the East Country were suddenly afflicted with a diabolical Evil and their judicious Measures for the Extirpation thereof. HAVING thus provided for the temporary security of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and, snapping his fingers, set the great council of Am- phyctions, and their champion the doughty Alicxsander Partridg, at defiance. It is impossible to say, notwith- standing, what might have been the issue of this affair, had not the council been all at once involved in sad perplexity, and as much dissension sown among its members, as of yore was stirred up in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece. The council of the league, as I have shown in my last chapter, had already announced its hostile deter- minations; and already was the mighty colony of New Haven, and the puissant town of Pyquag, other- wise called Weathersfield famous for its onions and witches and the great trading-house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable border towns, in a pro- digious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty fowling- pieces, and shouting aloud for war; by which they anticipated easy conquests and gorgeous spoils from the little fat Dutch villages. But this joyous brawling was soon silenced by the conduct of the colony of Massachusetts. Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frank- ness and heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe him guilty of the infamous plot most wrong- fully laid at his door. With a generosity for which I would yield them immortal honour, they declared, that no determination of the grand council of the R 2 244 HISTORY OF league should bind the general court of Massachusetts to join in an offensive war, which should appear to such general court to be unjust.* This refusal immediately involved the colony of Massachusetts, and the other combined colonies, in very serious difficulties and disputes; and would no doubt have produced a dissolution of the confederacy, but that the council of Amphyctions, finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a member as Massachusetts, were fain to abandon, for the present, their hostile machinations against the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy and the puissance of those confederacies, composed of a number of sturdy, self-willed, discordant parts, loosely banded together by a puny general govern- ment. As it was, however, the warlike towns of Connecticut had no cause to deplore this disappoint- ment of their martial ardour; for, by my faith, though the combined powers of the league might have been too potent, in the end, for the robustious war- riors of the Manhattoes, yet, in the interim, would thelion-hearted Peter and his myrmidons have choked the stomachful heroes of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given the other little border-towns such a scouring, that I warrant they would have had no stomach to squat on the land, or invade the hen- roost of a New Nederlander for a century to come. Indeed, there was more than one cause to divert the attention of the good people of the east from their hostile purposes; for, just about this time were they horribly beleaguered and harassed by the inroads of the Prince of Darkness, divers of whose liege subjects they detected, lurking within their camp, all of whom they incontinently roasted as so many spies and dan- gerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, we are * Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. NEW YORK. 245 informed, that at this juncture the New England provinces were exceedingly troubled by multitudes of losel witches, who wrought strange devices to beguile and distress the multitude; and, notwithstanding numerous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted against all " solem conversing or compacting with the divil, by way of conjuracion or the like," * yet did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to an alarming degree, that would almost transcend belief, were not the fact too well authenticated to be even doubted for an instant. What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful researches and abstruse studies of philosophers, astro- logers, alchymists, theurgists, and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the community, who had scarcely more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. Where they first acquired their infernal education; whether from the works of the ancient theurgists; the demonology of the Egyptians; the belomancy, or divination by arrows, of the Scythians; the spectro- logy of the Germans; the magic of the Persians; the enchantment of the Laplanders; or from the archives of the dark and mysterious caverns of the Dom Daniel, is a question pregnant with many learned and ingenious doubts; particularly as most of them were totally unversed in the occult mysteries of the alphabet. When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs to support it. Raise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every headach, and indigestion, and overflowing of the bile, is pronounced the terrible epidemic. In like manner, in the present instance, * New Plymouth Record. ^4 HISTORY OF whoever was troubled with a colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched; and woe to any unlucky old woman that lived in his neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it accordingly soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober and reflective part of the community ; more especially of those who, whilome, had evinced so much active benevolence in the con- version of Quakers and Anabaptists. The grand council of the Amphyctions publicly set their faces against so deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took place after those nefarious witches, who were easily detected by devils' pinches, black cats, broomsticks, and the circumstance of their only being able to weep three tears, and those out of the left eye. It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, " for every one of which," says the pro- found and reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent work, the History of New England, " we have such a 'sufficient evidence that no reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them; and it will be unreasonable to do it in any other."* Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John Josselyn, Gent, furnishes us with unquestionable facts on this subject. " There are none," observes he, " that beg in this country, but there be witches too many; bottle-bellied witches, and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if you will believe report of a shallop at sea, manned with women, and of a ship and great red horse standing by the mainmast; the ship being in a small cove to the eastward, vanished of a sudden," &c. The number of delinquents, however, and their magical devices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most * Mather's Hist. New Eng. b. vi. ch. 7. NEW YORK. 247 solemn, persuasive, and affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be burnt for the good of reli- gion and the entertainment of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist in asserting their inno- cence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserv- ing of immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they were in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges were just and merciful, and were determined to punish none that were not convicted on the best of testi- mony; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy their own minds; for, like true and experienced judges, their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners, before they proceeded to try them; but still, some- thing was necessary to convince the community at large to quiet those prying quidnuncs who should come after them; in short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the world, the world I all the world know the world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning! The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the neces- sity of sifting, detecting, and making evident as noon- day, matters which were, at the commencement, all clearly understood and firmly decided upon in their own pericraniums; so that it may truly be said, that the witches were burned to gratify the populace of the day, but were tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that should come after them! Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly intreaty, had any avail on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the more urgent arguments of the torture ; and, having thus absolutely wrung the truth from their stubborn lips, they con- demned them to undergo the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried their perverseness so far as to expire under the tor- 248 HISTORY OF ture, protesting their innocence to the last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely pos- sessed by the devil; and the pious by-standers only lamented that they had not lived a little longer, to have perished in the flames. In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually showed himself to be a demon, by changing into a shaggy dog. In like manner, and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this growing evil. The witches were all burned, banished, or panic-struck, and, ia a little while, there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New England; which is, doubtless, one reason why all the young women there are so handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered from their incantations gradually recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and aches; which, however, assumed the less alarming aspects of rheu- matisms, sciaticas, and lumbagos ; and the good people of New England, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the legerdemain art of turning a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even unto this day, in their characters; witches occasionally start up among them in different disguises, as physicians, civi- lians, and divines. The people at large show a keen- ness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, that savour strongly of witchcraft; and it has been re- marked that, whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part of them are sure to tumble into New England. NEW YORK. 249 CHAPTER VII. Which records the Rise and Renown of a valiant Commander ; showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to Greatness and Importance by mere Wind. WHEN treating of those tempestuous times, the unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a vehement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas; to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange dissensions that broke out in the council of the Amphyctions, and the direful witchcraft that pre- vailed in the east country; whereby the hostile machi- nations against the Nederlanders were for a time frus- trated, and his favourite city of New Amsterdam pre- served from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Dark- ness and louring superstition hung over the fair valleys of the east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut no longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gaiety; direful phantoms and portentous apparitions were seen in the air; gliding spectrums haunted every wild brook and dreary glen ; strange voices, made by view- less forms, were heard in desert solitudes; and the border towns were so occupied in detecting and punish- ing the knowing old women that had produced these alarming appearances, that for a while the province of Nieuw Nederlandts and its inhabitants were totally forgotten. The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing was to be immediately apprehended from his eastern neighbours, turned himself about, with a praiseworthy vigilance that ever distinguished him, to put a stop to the insults of the Swedes. These freebooters, my attentive reader will recollect, had begun to be very troublesome towards the latter part of the reign of William the Testy, having set the proclamations of 250 HISTORY OP that doughty little governor at nought, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendarn to a perfect nonplus! Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shown, was a governor of different habits and turn of mind. Without more ado, he immediately issued orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed on the southern frontier, under the command of brigadier- general Jacobus Von Poffenburgh. This illustrious warrior had risen to great importance during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft; and, if histories speak true, was second in command to the hapless Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. In consequence of having been in such a " memorable affair," and of having received more wounds on a cer- tain honourable part, that shall be nameless, than any of his comrades, he was ever after considered as a hero, who had "seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the unlimited confidence and friendship of William the Testy; who would sit for hours, and listen with wonder to his gunpowder narratives of surprising victories he had never gained ; and dread- ful battles from which he had run away ; and the governor was once heard to declare, that had he lived in ancient times, he might unquestionably have claimed the armour of Achilles, being not merely, like Ajax, a mighty blustering man of battle, but in the cabinet a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of speech, and long-winded; all which, as nobody in New Am- sterdam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, passed totally uncontradicted. It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that Heaven had infused in some men, at their birth, a portion of intellectual gold; into others, of intellectual silver; while others were bounteously furnished out with abundance of brass and iron. Now, of this last NEW YORK. 251 class was undoubtedly the great General Von Poffen- burgh; and, from the display he continually made thereof, I am inclined to think that Dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had blessed him with enough of those valuable materials to have fitted up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all his brass and copper upon Wilhemus Kieft, who was no great judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The consequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van Curlet, who, after the loss of Fort Goed Hoop, retired like a veteran general, to live under the shade of his laurels, the mighty " copper captain" was pro- moted to his station. This he filled with great im- portance, always styling himself " commander-in-chief of the armies of the New Netherlands;" though, to tell the truth, the armies, or rather army, consisted of a handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising, ragga- muffins. Such was the character of the warrior appointed by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier; nor may it be uninteresting to my reader to have a glimpse of his person. He was not very tall, but, notwithstanding, a huge full-bodied man, whose bulk did not so much arise from his being fat as windy; being so completely inflated with his own importance, that he resembled one of those bags of wind which jEolus, in an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that wandering warrior Ulysses. His dress comported with his character ; for he had almost as much brass and copper without, as nature had stored away within. His coat was crossed and slashed, and carbonadoed with stripes of copper lace, and swathed round the body with a crimson sash of the size and texture of a fishing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from bursting through his ribs. 252 HISTORY OF His head and whiskers were profusely powdered, from the midst of which his full-blooded face glowed like a fiery furnace; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready to bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking eyes, which projected like those of a lobster. I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him accoutred cap-a-pie, in martial array ; booted to the middle, sashed to the chin, collared to the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a lea- thern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a falchion, of a length that I dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter looking a man of war as the far-famed More of More Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all points, to slay the Dragon of Wantley.* Notwithstanding all the great endowments and transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I must confess he was not exactly the kind of man that the gallant Peter would have chosen to command his troops; but the truth is, that in those days the pro- vince did not abound, as at present, in great military characters; who, like so many Cincinnatuses, people every little village, marshalling out cabbages instead of soldiers, and signalizing themselves in the corn-field instead of the field of battle: who have surrendered the toils of war for the more useful but inglorious arts * " Had you but seen him in this dress, How fierce he look'd and how big ; You would have thought him for to be Some Egyptian Porcupig. " He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all, Each cow, each horse, and each hog; For fear they did flee, for they took him to be Some strange outlandish hedge-hog." Ballad of Dray, of Want. NEW YORK. 253 of peace ! and so blended the laurel with the olive, that you may have a general for a landlord, a colonel for a stage-driver, and your horse shod by a valiant " captain of volunteers." Neither had Peter Stuyve- sant an opportunity of choosing, like modern rulers, from a loyal band of editors of newspapers, no men- tion being made in the histories of the times, of any such class of mercenaries being retained in pay by government, either as trumpeters, champions, or body guards. The redoubtable General Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to the command of the new- levied troops, chiefly because there were no com- petitors for the station, and partly because it would have been a breach of military etiquette, to have appointed a younger officer over his head; an injus- tice which the great Peter would have rather died than have committed. No sooner did this thrice-valiant copper captain receive marching orders, than he conducted his army undauntedly to the southern frontier; through wild lands and savage deserts ; over insurmountable moun- tains, across impassable floods, and through impene- trable forests ; encountering more perils, according to his own account, than did ever the great Xenophon in his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Grecians. All this accomplished, he established on the South (or Delaware) River a redoubtable redoubt, named FORT CASIMIR, in honour of a favourite pair of brimstome-colourcd trunk-breeches of the governor. As this fort will be found to give rise to very im- portant and interesting events, it may be worth while to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuw Amstel, and was the original germ of the present flourishing town of NEW CASTLE, an appellation erroneously substituted for No Castle; there neither being, nor 254 HISTORY OF ever having been, a castle or anything of the kind upon the premises. The Swedes did not suffer tamely this menacing movement of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary, Jan Printz, at that time governor of New Sweden, issued a protest against what he termed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. But the gallant Von Poffen- burgh had become too well versed in the nature of proclamations and protests, while he served under William the Testy, to be in anywise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to behold into what a magnitude he immediately swelled. He would stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and in rear, and on this side and on that. Then would he dress himself in full regimentals, and strut backwards and forwards, for hours together, on the top of his little rampart, like a vain-glorious cock- pigeon vapouring on the top of his coop. In a word, unless my readers have noticed, with curious eye, the petty commander of one of our little, snivelling, mili- tary posts, swelling with all the vanity of new regi- mentals, and the pomposity derived from commanding a handful of tatterdemalions, I despair of giving them any adequate idea of the prodigious dignity of Gene- ral Von Poffenburgh. It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by King Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees \vith such might and main, that the whole court was convinced that he was the most potent and courageous gentleman on the face of the earth. In like manner, the great Von Poffenburgh would ease off that valorous spleen, which, like wind, is so apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of new- NEW YORK. 255 made soldiers, impelling them to box-lobby brawls, and broken-headed quarrels. For at such times, when he found his martial spirit waxing hot within him, he would prudently sally forth into the fields, and, lug- ging out his trusty sabre, would lay about him most lustily, decapitating cabbages by platoons; hewing down whole phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes; and if, peradventure, he espied a colony of honest big-bellied pumpkins quietly basking themselves in the sun, "Ah! caitiff Yankees," would he roar, " have I caught ye at last!" So say ing, with one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their chins to their waistbands : by which warlike -havoc his choler being in some sort allayed, he would return to his garrison with a full conviction that he was a very miracle of military prowess. The next ambition of General Von Poffenburgh was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well know- ing that discipline is the soul of all military enterprise, he enforced it with the most rigorous precision ; obliging every man to turn out his toes, and hold up his head on parade ; and prescribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as had any shirts to their backs. Having one day, in the course of his devout re- searches in the Bible (for the pious ^Eneas himself could notexceed him in outward religion,) encountered the history of Absalom and his melancholy end, the general, in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping the hair of both officers and men throughout the gar- rison. Now it came to. pass, that among his officers was one Kildermeester, a sturdy veteran, who had cherished, through the course of a long life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resembling the shag of a Newfoundland dog, terminating with an immoderate 256 HISTORY OF queue, like the handle of a fryingpan, and queued so tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears ; Samson himself could not have held his locks more sacred; and, on hearing the general orders, he dis- charged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths and dunder and blixums; swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle with his tail; queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about the garrison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. The eelskin queue of old Kildermeester became instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The commander-in-chief was too enlightened an officer not to perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the sub- ordination and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlandts, the consequent safety of the whole pro- vince, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States-general, but, above all, the dignity of the great General Von Poffenburgh, all imperiously demanded the docking of that stubborn queue. He therefore determined that old Kildermeester should be publicly shorn of his glories, in presence of the whole garrison ; the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive: whereupon the general, as became a great man, was highly exas- perated, and the offender was arrested, and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending with a " videlicet, in wearing an eelskin queue, three feet long, contrary to orders." Then came on arraign- ments, and trials, and pleadings, and the whole country was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the commander of a distant fron- NEW YORK. 257 tier post has the power of acting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and mortification, and most flagitiously deserted from earthly command, with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained unshaken to the very last moment, when he directed that he should be carried to his grave with his eelskin queue sticking out of a hole in his coffin. This magnanimous affair obtained the General great 'credit, as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted that he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and fearful visitations in the night; when the grisly spec- trum of old Kildermeester would stand sentinel by the bedside, erect as a pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the handle. END OF BOOK FIFTH. 258 HISTORY OP BOOK VI. CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG. AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. CHAPTER I. In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the great Peter and how General Von Poffenburgh distinguished himself at Fort Casimir. HITHERTO, most venerable and courteous reader, have I shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity of awful expectation; but now the war-drum rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions and voluptuous ease; where, in the dulcet " piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows; no more entwines with flowers his shining sword; nor through the livelong lazy summer's day chaunts forth his love-sick soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back the robo of peace, and clothes his pamper'd limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, where wanton NEW YORK. 259 roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume; grasps the bright shield, and shakes the ponderous lance; or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry! But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you imagine, that any preux chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron, existed in the city of New Amster- dam. This is but a lofty and gigantic mode in which heroic writers always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect ; equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like out- landish and obsolete weapons, the like which, per- chance, they had never seen or heard of; in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Cae- sar or an Alexander. The simple truth, then, of all this oratorical flourish is this that the valiant Peter Stuy vesarit, all of a sudden, found it necessary to scour his trusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scab- bard, and prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his mighty soul so much delighted. Methiriks I at this moment behold him in my ima- gination ; or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuyvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of German blue, gor- geously decorated with a goodly show of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts turned up at the corners, and sepa- rating gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-coloured trunk-breeches a graceful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible and . - s 2 2GO HISTORY OP warlike, by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strut- ting out on each side in stifly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue below his waist; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little, but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port of Peter the H'eadstrong; and, when he made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his wooden leg inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position, his right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting upon the pummel of his sword, his head-dressing spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling and hard- favoured frown upon his brow, he presented altoge- ther one of the niost commanding, bitter-looking, and soldier-like figures that ever strutted upon canvass. Proceed we now to inquire the cause of this warlike preparation. The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the South or Delaware River, has been duly recorded in the chronicles of the reign of William the Testy. These encroachments, having been endured with that heroic magnanimity which is the corner-stone, or, according to Aristotle, the left-hand neighbour of true courage, had been repeated and wickedly aggravated. The Swedes, who were of that class of cunning pretenders to Christianity, who read the Bible upside down, whenever it interferes with their interests, inverted the golden maxim ; and when their neighbour suffered them to smite him on the one cheek, they generally smote him on the other also, whether turned' to them or not. Their repeated aggressions had been among the numerous sources of vexation that conspired to keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft in a constant fever; and it was only owing to the unfortunate circumstance that he had always a hundred NEW YORK. 261 things to do at once, that lie did not take such unre- lenting vengeance as their offences merited. But they had now a chieftain of a different character to deal with; and they were soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw his honest blood in a ferment, and precluded all further sufferance. Printz, the governor of theprovinceof New Sweden, being either deceased or removed, (for of this fact some uncertainty exists,) was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede; and who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, might have served for the model of a Samson or a Hercules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as he was rapacious; so that, in fact, there is very little doubt, had he lived four or five centuries before, he would have been one of those wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about the world, and locking them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other convenience. In consequence of which enormities, they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were instructed to attack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen to find, above six feet high ; which is, doubtless, one reason that the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so exceeding small. No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon his office, than he immediately cast his eyes upon the important post of Fort Casimir, and formed the right- eous resolution of taking it into his possession. The only thing that remained to consider, was the mode of carrying his resolution into effect: and here 1 must do him the justice to say, that he exhibited a humanity rarely to be met with among leaders, and which I have never seen equalled in modern times, excepting among 262 HISTORY OF the English, in their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effusion of blood and the miseries of open warfare, he benevolently shunntd everything like avowed hostility or regular siege, and resorted to the less glorious but more merciful expedient of treachery. Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neighbourly visit to General Von Poffenburgh, at his new post of Fort Casimir, he made requisite preparation, sailed in great state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with the most ceremonious punctilio, and honoured the for- tress with a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The unusual noise awakened a veteran Dutch sen- tinel, who was napping faithfully at his post, and who, having suffered his match to go out, contrived to return the compliment, by discharging his rusty musket with the spark of a pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades. The salute, indeed, would have been answered by the guns of the fort, had they not unfor- tunately been out of order, and the magazine deficient in ammunition; accidents to which forts have in all ages been liable, and which were the more excusable in the present instance, as Fort Casimir had only been erected about two years, and General Von Poffen- burgh, its mighty commander, had been fully occupied with matters of much greater importance. Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second ; for he well knew its commander was marvellously delighted with these little ceremonials, which he considered as so many acts of homage paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great state, attended by a suite of thirty men; a prodigious and vain-glorious retinue, for a petty governor of a petty settlement, in those days of primitive simplicity; and to the full as great an army as generally swells the pomp and marches in NEW YORK. 263 the rear of our frontier commanders at the present day. The number, in fact, might have awakened suspi- cion, had not the mind of the great Von Poffenburgh been so completely engrossed with an all-pervading idea of himself, that lie had not room to admit a thought besides. In fact, he considered the con- course of Risingh's followers as a compliment to him- self; so apt are great men to stand between them- selves and the sun, and completely eclipse the truth by their own shadow. It may readily be imagined how much General Von Poffenburgh was flattered by a visit from so august a personage ; his only embarrassment was, how he should receive him in such a manner as to appear to the greatest advantage, and make the most advan- tageous impression. The main guard was ordered immediately to turn out, and the arms and regimentals (of*which the garrison possessed full half a dozen suits) were equally distributed among the soldiers. One tall lank fellow appeared in a eoat intended fora small man, the skirts of which reached a little below his waist, the buttons wefe between his shoulders, and the sleeves half way to his wrists, so that his hands looked like a couple of huge spades ; and the coat, not being large enough to meet in front, was linked together by loops, made of apair of red worsted garters. Another had an old cocked hat, stuck on the back of his head, and decorated with a bunch of cocks' tails; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels; while a fourth, who was a short duck-legged little Trojan, was equipped in a huge pair of the general's cast-off breeches, which he held up with one hand, while he grasped his firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred in similar style, excepting three graceless ragamuffins who had no- shirts, and 264 HISTORY OF but a pair and half of breeches between them ; where- fore they were sent to the black-hole, to keep them out of view. There is nothing in which the talents of a prudent commander are more completely testified than in thus setting matters off to the greatest advan- tage ; and it is for this reason that our frontier posts at the present day (that of Niagara for example) dis- play their best suit of regimentals on the back of the sentinel who stands in sight of travellers. His men being thus gallantly arrayed, those who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt-tail and pull up his brogues, General Von Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the magnanimous More of Morehall,* was his invariable practice on all great occasions; which done, he put himself at their head, ordered the pine planks, which served as a drawbridge, to be laid down, and issued forth from his castle, likea mighty giant, just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes met, then began a scene of warlike parade and chivalric courtesy that beggars all description. Risingh, who, as I be- fore hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had grown grey much before his time, in consequence of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all his valorous fantasies. Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of each other; they carried arms, and they pre- sented arms; they gave the standing salute and the passing salute ; they rolled their drums they flou- rished their fifes, and they waved their colours ; they as soon as he rose, To make him strong and mighty, He drank, by the tale, six pots of ale, And a quart of aqua vitse." KEW YORK. 265 faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and they faced to the right about; they wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and they wheeled into eche- lon; they marched and they counter-marched, by grand divisions, by single divisions, and by subdivi- sions; by platoons, by sections and by files; in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at all : for, having gone through all the evolutions of two great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas; having exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like of which were never seen before or since, excepting among certain of our newly-raised militia, the two great commanders and their respec- tive troops came at length to a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two valiant train-band captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmi- dons, with more glory and self-admiration. These military compliments being finished, General Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visiter, with great ceremony, into the fort ; attended him through- out the fortifications; showed him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons, and various other out-works, or rather, the places where they ought to be erected, and where they might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of " great capabi- lity," and though at present but a little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a formidable fortress in embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three bridewell birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought up to the halberts, and HISTORY OF soundly flogged for the amusement of his visiter, and to convince him that he was a great disciplinarian. There is no error more dangerous than for a com- mander to make known the strength, or, as in the present case, the weakness of his garrison ; this will be exemplified before I have arrived to an end of my present story, which thus carries its moral, like a roasted goose his pudding, in the very middle. The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck dumb outright with the puissance of the great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty followers, who tipped each other the wink, and laughed most obstreperously in their sleeves. The inspection, review, and flogging being con- cluded, the party adjourned to the table; for, among his other great qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to huge entertainments, or rather carousals ; and in one afternoon's campaign would leave more dead men on the field than he ever did in the whole course of his military career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain on record ; and the whole province was once thrown in amaze by the return of one of his campaigns; wherein it was stated, that though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty men to back him, yet, in the short space of six months, he had conquered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred' sheep, ten thousand cab- bages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds of sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, game, poultry, and garden-stuff. An achievement unparalleled since the days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring army; and which showed that NEW YORK. 267 it was only necessary to let bellipotent Von Poffen- burgh and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and in a little while they would breed a famine, and starve all the inhabitants. No sooner, therefore, had the general received the first intimation of the visit of Governor Risingh, than he ordered a great dinner to be prepared, and pri- vately sent out a detachment of his most experienced veterans to rob all the hen-roosts in the neighbour- hood, and lay the pig-sties under contribution; a service to which they had been long inured, and which they discharged with such incredible zeal and promp- titude, that the garrison -table groaned under the weight of their spoils. I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head of the banquet. It was a sight worth beholding: there he sat, in his greatest glory, surrounded by his soldiers, like that famous wine-bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably imitate ; telling astounding stories of his hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits ; at which, though all his auditors knew them to be most incontinent and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast up their eyes in ad- miration, and utter many interjections of astonishment. Nor could the general pronounce any thing that bore the remotest semblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist upon the table, till every glass rattled again, throwing himself back in his chair, and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing most horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal within Fort Casimir; and, so lustily did Von Poffen- burgh ply the bottle, that in less than four short hours he made himself and his whole garrison, who all 268 HISTORY OF sedulously emulated the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, in singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drink- ing patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree, or a plea in chancery. No sooner did things come to this pass, than the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept themselves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took formal possession of the fort, and all its dependencies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden; administering, at the same time, an oath of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortifications in order, ap- pointed his discreet and vigilant friend Suen Scutz, a tall, wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, to the com- mand ; and departed, bearing with him this truly amiable garrison and their puissant commander, who, when brought to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance to a " deboshed fish," or bloated sea-monster, caught upon dry land. The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the transmission of intelligence to New Am- sterdam ; for, much as the cunning Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he dreaded the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant, whose name spread as much terror in the neighbourhood as did whilome that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg among his scurvy enemies the Turks. NEW YORK. 269 CHAPTER II. Showing how profound Secrets are often brought to Light : with the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, when he heard of the Misfortune of General Von Poffenburgh. WHOEVER first described common fame, or rumour, as belonging to the sager sex, .was a very owl for shrewdness. She has, in truth, certain feminine qualities to an astonishing degree ; particularly that benevolent anxiety to take care of the affairs of others, which keeps her continually hunting after secrets, and gadding about proclaiming them. What- ever is done openly, and in the face of the world, she takes but transient ndtice of; but whenever a trans- action is done in a corner, and attempted to be shrouded in mystery, then her goddesship is at her wit's end to find it out, and takes a most mischievous and lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the world. It is this truly feminine propensity that induces her continually to be prying into cabinets of princes, listening at the key-holes of senate-chambers, and peering through chinks and crannies, when our worthy congress are sitting with closed doors, delibe- rating between a dozen excellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this which makes her so obnoxious to all wary statesmen and intriguing commanders, such a stumbling-block to private negotiations and secret expeditions, which she often betrays by means and instruments which never would have been thought of by any but a. female head. Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casi- mir. No doubt the cunning llisingh imagined that, by securing the garrison, he should for a long time prevent the history of its fate from reaching the ears of the gallant Stuy vesant ; but his exploit was blown 270 HISTORY OF to the world when he least expected it, and by one of the last beings he would ever have suspected of enlist- ing as trumpeter to the wide-mouthed deity. This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker,) a kind of hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to nobody, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. He was one of those vagabond cosmopolites, who shark about the world as if they had no right or business in it; and who infest the skirts of society, like poachers and interlopers. Every garrison and country village has one or more scape-goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, whose existence is without motive, who comes from the Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and seems to be made for no other earthly purpose but to keep up the ancient and honour- able order of idleness. This vagrant philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood in his veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian complexion and cast of countenance ; but more especially by his pro- pensities and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of foot, and long-winded. He was generally equipped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and mocca- sins. His hair hung in straight gallows-locks about his ears, and added not a little to his sharking de- meanour. It is an old remark, that persons of Indian mixture are half civilized, half savage, and half devil ; a third half being expressly provided for their parti- cular convenience. It is for similar reasons, and probably with equal truth, that the backwood- men of Kentucky are styled half man, half horse, and half alligator, by the settlers on the Mississippi, and held accordingly in great respect and abhorrence. The above character may have presented itself to the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they familiarly dubbed Gallows Dick. Certain it is, he acknowledged allegiance to no one, was an utter NEW YORK. 271 enemy to work, holding it in no manner of estimation ; but lounging about the fort, depending upon chance for a subsistence, getting drunk whenever he could get liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay his hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get a sound rib-roasting for some of his misdemeanors ; which, however, as it broke no bones, he made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence when- ever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, in consequence of some flagrant villany, he would abscond from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time ; skulking about the woods and swamps, with a long fowling-piece on his shoulder, lying in ambush for game, or squatting himself down on the edge of a pond, catching fish for hours together, and bearing no little resemblance to that notable bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins, or a bunch of poultry, which perchance he had stolen, and would exchange them for liquor, with which, having well soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy all the luxurious indo- lence of that swinish philosopher Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm-yards in the country, into which he made fearful inroads; and sometimes he would make his sudden appearance at the garrison at daybreak, with the whole neighbourhood at his heels, like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his ma- raudings, and hunted to his hole. Such was this Dirk Schuiler; and, from the total indifference he showed to the world or its concerns, and from his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamed that he would have been the publisher of the treachery of Risingh. When the carousal was going on, which proved so fatal to the brave Von Poffenburgh and his watchful 272 HISTORY OF garrison, Dirk skulked about from room to room, be- ing a kind of privileged vagrant or useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But though a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn people, his eyes and ears were always open ; and, in the course of his prowlings, he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his own mind how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. He played the perfect jack-of-both-sides ; that is to say, he made a prize of every thing that came in his reach, robbed both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked hat of the puissant Van Poffetiburgh on his head, whipped a huge pair of Risingh's jack-boots under his arm, and took to his heels just before the catastrophe and confusion at the garrison. - Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native place, New Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly been obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in business ; that is to say, having been detected in the act of. sheep -stealing. After wandering many days in the woods, toiling through swamps, fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and encountering a world of hardships, that would have killed any other being but an Indian, a back-wood man, or the devil, he at length arrived, half-famished, and lank as a starved weasel, at Com- munipavv, where he stole a canoe, and paddled over to New Amsterdam. Immediately on landing, he re- paired to Governor Stuyvesant, and, in more words than he had ever spoken before in the whole course of his life, gave an account of the disastrous affair. On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter started from his seat, as did the stout King Arthur, when, at " merry Carleile," the news was brought him of the uncourteous misdeeds of the " grim NEW YORK. 273 barone;" without uttering a word, he dashed the pipe he was smoking against the back of the chimney, thrust a prodigious quid of negro-head tobacco into his left cheek, pulled up his galligaskins, and strode up and clown the room, humming, as was customary with him when in a passion, a hideous north-west ditty. But, as I have before shown, he was notaman to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. His first measure, after the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was to stump up stairs to a huge wooden chest, which served as his armoury, from whence he drew forth that identical suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. In these portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like Achilles in the armour of Vulcan, maintaining all the while a most appalling silence, knitting his brows, and drawing his breath through his clinched teeth. Being hastily equipped, he strode down into the parlour, jerked down his trusty sword from over the fireplace, where it was usually suspended ; but before he girded it on his thigh he drew it from its scabbard, and, as his eye coursed along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his iron visage. It was the first smile that had visited his countenance for five long weeks; but every one who beheld it prophesied that there would soon be warm work in the province ! Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted in each feature, his very cocked hat assuming an air of uncommon defiance, he instantly put himself on the alert, and despatched Anthony Van Corlear hither and thither, this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and crooked lanes of the city, summon- ing, by sound of trumpet, his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. This done, by way of expediting matters, according to the custom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, shifting from chair to chair, popped his head out of every window, and T 274 HISTORY OF stumping up and down stairs with his wooden leg, in such brisk and incessant motion, that, as we are informed by an authentic historian of the times, the continual clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of a cooper hooping a flour-barrel. A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled with; the sages forthwith repaired to the council-chamber, where the gallant Stuyvesant entered in martial style, and took his chair, like another Charlemagne, among his Paladins. The councillors seated themselves \vith the utmost tranquillity, and, lighting their long pipes, gazed with unruffled composure on his excellency and his regimentals; being, as all councillors should be. not easily flustered, or taken by surprise. The governor, looking around for a moment with a lofty and soldierlike air, and resting one hand on the pummel of his sword, and flinging the other forth, in a free and spirited manner, addressed them in a short but soul-stirring harangue. I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my pre- decessors, who were furnished, as I am told, with the speeches of all their great emperors, generals, and orators, taken down in short-hand, by the most accu- rate stenographers of the time; whereby they were enabled wonderfully to enricli their histories, and delight their readers with sublime strains of eloquence. Not having such important auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pronounce what was thetenorof Governor Stuyvesant's speech; whether he, with maiden coyness, hinted to his hearers, that " there was a speck of war in the horizon ;" that it would be necessary to resort to the " unprofitable trial of which could do each other the most harm;" or any other delicate construction of language, whereby the odious subject of war is handled NEW YORK. 275 so fastidiously by modern statesmen as a gentleman- volunteer handles his filthy saltpetre weapons with gloves, lest he should soil his dainty fingers. I am bold, however, to say, from the tenor of Peter Stuyvesant's character, that he did not wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, and other sickly trickeries of phrase; but spoke forth, like a man of nerve and vigour, who scorned to shrink in words from those dangers which he stood ready to encounter in very deed. This much is certain, that he concluded by announcing his determination of leading on his troops in person, and routing these costardmonger Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such of his council as were awake gave their usual signal of concurrence; and, as to the rest, who had fallen asleep about the middle of the harangue (their " usual custom in the afternoon,") they made not the least objection. And now was seen in the fair city of New Amster- dam a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Recruiting parties marched hither and thither, calling lustily upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and tatter- demalions of the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition of sixpence a day, and immortal fame into the bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory. For I would have you note, that your warlike heroes who trudge in the rear of conquerors, are generally of that illustrious class of gentlemen who are equal can- didates for the army or the bridewell, the halberts or the whipping-post; for whom Dame Fortune has cast an even die, whether they shall make their exit by the sword or the halter; and whose deaths shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their countrymen. But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invi- tation, the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied; so averse were the peaceful burghers of New Amster- T 2 276 HISTORY OF dam from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond that home which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the great Peter, whose noble heart was all on fire with war and sweet revenge, de- termined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance . of these oily citizens, but to muster up his merry men of the Hudson; who, brought up among woods and wilds and savage beasts, like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so much as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions through the wil- derness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty squire, Anthony Van Corlear, to have his state galley pre- pared and duly victualled; which being performed, he attended public service at the great church of St. Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then, leaving peremptory orders with his council to have the chivalry of the Manhaltoes marshalled out and appointed against his return, departed upon his re- cruiting voyage up the waters of the Hudson. CHAPTER III. Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson, and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned River. Now did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over the beauteous face of nature, tempering the panting heats of summer into genial and prolific warmth, when that miracle of hardihood and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyvesant, spread his canvass to the wind and departed from the fair island of Mannahata. The galley in which he embarked was sumptuously adorned with pendants and streamers of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gaily in the wind, or drooped their ends in the bosom of the stream. The NEW YORK. 277 bow and poop of this majestic vessel were gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion, with figures of little pursy cupids with periwigs on their heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the like of which are not to be found in any book of botany ; being the matchless flowers which flourished in the golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in the imaginations of ingenious carvers of wood and discolourers of canvass. Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson; which, as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, seemed to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if conscious of the illus- trious burthen it sustained. But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene presented to the contemplation of the crew, from that which may be witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned on the borders of this mighty river; the hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the dark forests, and tamed the features of the landscape; nor had the frequent sailof commerce yet broken in upon the profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the cliffs of the mountains, with its curling column of smoke mounting in the transparent atmosphere ; but so loftily situated, that the whoopings of the savage children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear as do the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beetling brow of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below; and then, tossing his branching antlers in the air, would bound away into the thickest of the forest. 278 HISTORY OF Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter Stuyvesant pass< Now did they skirt the bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens; and were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his favourite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gaily across the vast expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide-extended shores present a vast variety of delect- able scenery; here the bold promontory, crowned with embowering trees, advancing into the bay; there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland precipice; while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heights threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would they pass where some modest little interval, opening among these stupendous scenes, yet retreating, as it were, for protection into the em- braces of the neighbouring mountains, displayed a rural paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral beau- ties; the velvet-tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling rivulet, stealing^ through the fresh and vivid verdure, on whose banks was situated some little Indian village, or peradventure, the rude cabin of some solitary hunter. The different periods of the revolving day seemed each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blazing from the summits of the eastern hills, and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems; while along the borders of the river were seen heavy masses of mist, which, like midnight caitiffs, disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At such times all was brightness, and NEW YORK. 279 life, and gaiety; the atmosphere seemed of an inde- scribable pureness and transparency; the birds broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when the sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, man- tling the heavens and the earth wkh a thousand gorgeous dyes, then all was calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast; the simple seaman, with folded arms leaned against the shrouds, lost in that involun- tary musing which the sober grandeur of nature com- mands in the rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflect- ing the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting that now and then a bark canoe would steal across its surface, filled with painted savages, whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western mountains. But when the hour of twilight spread its magic mists around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand fugitive charms, which, to the worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious^works of its Maker, are inexpressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that prevailed, just served to tinge with illusive colours the softened features of the scenery. The deceived, but delighted eye, sought vainly to discern in the broad masses of shade the separating line be- tween the land and water, or to distinguish the fading objects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, producing, with industrious craft, a fairy creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of lofty towers and high embattled castles ; trees assumed the direful forms of mighty giants, and the inacces- 280 HISTORY OF sible summits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy beings. Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innumerable variety of insects, who filled the air with a strange, but not inharmonious concert; while, ever and anon, was heard the melancholy plaint of the whip-poor-will, who, perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hallowed melancholy by the solemn mystery of the scene, listened with pensive stillness to catch and distinguish each sound that vaguely echoed from the shore; now and then startled, perchance, by the whoop of some straggling savage, or the dreary howl of some caitiff' wolf, stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they entered upon those awful defiles, denominated THE HIGHLANDS, where, it would seem, that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their impious war with Heaven, piling up cliffs on cliffs, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. But, in sooth, very different is the history of these cloud-capt mountains. These, in ancient days, before the Hudson poured his waters from the lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky bosorn the omnipotent Manetho confined the rebellious spirits who repined at his con- trol. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they groaned for many an age. At length, the conquering Hudson, in his irresistible career towards the ocean, burst open their prison-house, rolling his tide triumph- antly through its stupendous ruins. Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old abodes; and these it is, according to venerable legends, that cause the echoes which resound through- out these awful solitudes, which are nothing but their NEW YORK. 281 angry clamours when any noise disturbs the pro- foundness of their repose. For when the elements are agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horrible is the yelling and howling of these troubled spirits, making the moun- tains to rebellow with their hideous uproar; for, at such times, it is said that they think the great Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon the gallant Stuyvesant; nought occupied his mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipa- tions of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble their vacant heads with any romantic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either past, present, or to come; those of his comrades who were not industriously snoring under the hatches, were listening with open mouths to Anthony Van Corlear; who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them the marvellous history of those myriads of fire- flies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky robe of night. These, according to tradition, were originally a race of pestilent sempiternous bel- dames, who peopled these parts long before the memory of man ; being of that abominated race em- phatically called brimstones; and who, for their innu- merable sins against the children of men, and to furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these threatening and terrible little bugs; enduring the internal torments of that fire which they formerly carried m their hearts, and breathed forth in their words, but now are sentenced to bear about for ever in their tails ! And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt 282 HISTORY OF much my readers will hesitate to believe; but, if they do, they are welcome not to believe a word in this whole history; for nothing which it contains is more true. It must be known, then, that the nose of St. Anthony the trumpeter, was of a very lusty size, strutting boldly from his countenance, like a mountain of Gol- conda; being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other precious stones the true regalia of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now, thus it hap- pened, that bright and early in the morning, the good Anthony having washed his burly visage, was leaning over the quarter railing of the galley, contemplating it in the glassy wave below. Just at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking in all his splendour from behind one of the high bluffs of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent beams upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of brass, the reflection of which shot straightway down, hissing hot, into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside the vessel! This huge monster being with infinite labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, excepting about the wound, where it smacked a little of brimstone ; and this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon was eaten in these parts by Christian people.* When this astonishing miracle came to be made known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of the unknown fish, he, as may \vell be supposed, mar- velled exceedingly; and,' as a monument thereof, he * The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country about Albany, in a letter which was written some time after the settlement thereof, says, " There is in the river great plenty of Sturgeon, which we Christians do not make use of ; but the Indians eate them greedilie." NEW YORK. 283 gave the name of Anthony's Nose to a stout promon- tory in the neighbourhood; and it has continued to be called Anthony's Nose ever since that time. But hold whither am I wandering? By the mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuy- vesant on this voyage, I shall never make an end, for never was there a voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abounding with transcendent beauties, worthy of being severally recorded. Even now I have it on the point of my pen to relate, how his crew were most horribly frightened, on going on shore above the Highlands, by a gang of merry roist- ering devils, frisking and curvetting on a huge flat rock, which projected into the river, and which is called the Duyvcl<$ Dans-Kamer to this very day. But no! Diedrich Knickerbocker, it becomes thee not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. Recollect that, while dwelling, with the fond gar- rulity of age, over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recollections of thy youth, and the charms of a thousand legendary tales which beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood; recollect that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments which should be devoted to loftier themes. Is not Time, relentless Time, shak- ing, with palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour- glass before thee? Hasten, then, to pursue thy weary task, lest the last sands be run ere thou hast finished thy History of the Manhattoes. Let us, then, commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed St. Nicholas; who, I have no doubt, will prosper him in his voyage, while we await his return at the great city of New Amsterdam. 284 HISTORY OF CHAPTER IV. Describing the powerful Army that assembled at the City of New Amsterdam together with the Interview between Peter the Headstrong and General Von Poffenburgh and Peter's Sentiments touching unfortunate great Men. WHILE thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arousing all the phlegmatic little Dutch settle- ments upon its borders, a great and puissant concourse of warriors was assembling at the city of New Am- sterdam. And here that invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than commonly particular; by which means I am enabled to record the illustrious host that encamped itself in the public square, in front of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling-green. In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle of the Manhattoes ; who, being the inmates of the metropolis, composed the life-guards of the governor. These were commanded by the valiant Stoffel Brinkerhoof, who whilome had acquired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay: they displayed, as a standard, a beaver rampant on a field of orange; being the arms of the province, and denoting the per- severing industry, and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.* On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that renowned Mynheer Michael Paw,f who lorded * This was likewise the great seal of the New Netherlands, as may still be seen in ancient records. f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have found mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another manuscript, which says: "De Heer (or the Squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch subject.about 10th Aug. 1630, by deed purchased Staten Island. N.B. Thesame Michael Paw had what the Dutch called a colonie at Pavonia, on the Jersey shore, opposite New York, and his NEW YORK. 285 it over the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away south, even unto the Navesink moun- tains,* and was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his trusty squire, Corne- lius Van Vorst; consisting of a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green field; being the armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis, Communipaw. He brought to the camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each clad in ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad-brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hatbands. These were the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores of Pavonia; being of the race of genuine copperheads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. At a little distance was encamped the tribe of war- riors who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-Gate. These were commanded by the Suy Dams, and the Van Dams, incontinent hard swearers, as their names betoken; they were terrible-looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaberdines, of that curious coloured cloth called thunder and lightning; and bore, as a standard, three Devil's-darnirig-needles volant, in a flame-coloured field. Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy borders of the Wael-bogtig,-(- and the country thereabouts: these were of a sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, which abound in these parts : they were the first institutors of that honourable order overseer, in 1636, was named Corns. Van Vorst. A person of the same name, in 1769, owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst." * So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these parts. At present they are erroneously denominated the Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. f i. e. The Winding Bay, named from the winding of its shores. This has since been corrupted by the vulgar into the Wallabout, and is the basin which shelters our infant navy. 286 HISTORY OF of knighthood, called Fly-marJtet-slurks ; and, if tra- dition speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed step in dancing, called "double-trouble." They were commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had, moreover, a jolly band of Breukelen* ferry- men, who performed a brave concerto on conch-shells. But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, which goes on to describe the warriors of Bioemen- dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in history and song; for now does the sound of martial music alarm the people of New Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this alarm was in a little time relieved ; for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they re- cognised the brimstone-coloured breeches and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sunbeams ; and beheld him approaching at the head of a for- midable army, which he had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And here the excellent but anony- mous writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious description of the forces, as they defiled through the principal gate of the city that stood by the head of Wall-street. First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the pleasant borders of the Bronx. These were short fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk-breeches, and are renowned for feats of the trencher : they were the first inventors of suppawn or mush and milk. Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaats Kill, most horrible quaffers of new cider, and arrant braggarts in their liquor. After them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of the Esopus breed: these were mighty hunters of minks and musk-rats, whence came the word Peltry. Then * Now spelt Brooklyn. NEW YORK. 287 the Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers of bird's nests, as their name denotes: to these, if report may be believed, are we indebted for the invention of slapjacks, or buckwheat cakes. Then the Van Hig- ginbottoms. of Wapping's Creek: these came armed with ferules and birchen rods, being a race of school- masters, who first discovered the marvellous sympathy between the seat of honour and the seat of intellect, and that the shortest way to get knowledge into the head was to hammer it into the bottom. Then the Van Grolls, of Anthony's Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round little pottles, by reason they could not bouse it out of their canteens, having such rare long noses. Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and thereabouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, such as robbing water-melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their holes, and the like, and by being great lovers of roasted pigs' tails ; these were the ancestors of the renowned congressman of that name. Then the Van Hoesens, of Sing-Sing, great choristers and players upon the Jew's-harp : these marched two and two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas. Then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow: these gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who first discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine into a pint bottle. Then the Van Kortlands, who lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were great killers of wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in shooting with the long bow. Then the Van Bun- schotens, of Nyack and Kakiat, who were the first that did ever kick with the left foot : they were gallant bush-whackers, and hunters of racoons by moonlight. Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running of horses, and running up of scores at taverns: they were the first that ever winked with both eyes at 288 HISTORY OF once. Lastly, came the KNICKERBOCKERS, of the great town of Schahtikoke, where the folk lay stones upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should be blown away. These derive their name, as some say, from Knicker, to shake, and JBeker, a goblet; indicating thereby, that they were sturdy tosspots of yore: but, in truth, it was derived from Knicker, to nod, and Soeken, books; plainly meaning, that they were great nodders or dozers over books : from them did descend the writer of this history. Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured in at the grand gate of New Amsterdam. The Stuyvesant manuscript, indeed, speaks of many more, whose names I omit to mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to matters of greater moment Nothing could surpass the joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter, as he reviewed this mighty host of warriors; and he determined no longer to defer the gratification of his much wished-for revenge upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimir. But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events which will be found in the sequel of this faithful history, let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Von PofFenburgh, the discomfited commander- in-chief of the armies of the New Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness of human nature, that scarcely did the news become public of his de- plorable discomfiture at Fort Casimir; than a thousand scurvy rumours were set afloat in New Amsterdam ; wherein it was insinuated, that he had in reality a treacherous understanding with the Swedish com- mander; that he had long been in the practice of privately communicating with the Swedes; together with divers hints about " secret service money ;" to all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more credit than I think they deserve. NEW YORK. 289 Certain it is, that the general vindicated his cha- racter by the most vehement oaths and protestations, and put every man out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt his integrity. Moreover, on returning to New Amsterdam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of hard swearers at his heels sturdy bottle-companions, whom he gorged and fat- tened, and who were ready to bolster him through all the courts of justice; heroes of his own kidney, fierce- whiskered, broad-shouldered, Colbrand-looking swag- gerers, not one of whom but looked as though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the horns. These life-guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at every man that turned up his nose at the general, as though they would devour him alive. Their conversation was interspersed with oaths, like minute-guns, and every bombastic rhodomontado was rounded off by a thun- dering execration, like a patriotic toast honoured with a discharge of artillery. All these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect in convincing certain profound sages, many of whom began to think the general a hero of unutter- able loftiness and magnanimity of soul, particularly as he was continually protesting on the honour of a soldier a marvellously high-sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the members of the council went so far as to propose they should immortalize him by an impe- rishable statue of plaster of Paris. But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to be deceived. Sending privately for the commander- in-chief of all the armies, and having heard all his story, garnished with the customary pious oaths, protestations, and ejaculations " Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by your own account you are the most brave, upright, and honourable man in the u 290 HISTORY OF whole province, yet do you lie under the misfortune of being damnably traduced and immeasurably de- spised. Now, though it is certainly hard to punish a man for his misfortunes, and though it is very possible you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to your charge ; yet as Heaven, at present, doubtless for some wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your innocence, far belt from me to counteract its sovereign will. Beside, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a commander whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of my people to a champion whom they dis- trust. Retire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome toils and cares of public life, with this comforting reflection, that if you be guilty, you are but enjoying your just reward, and if innocent, that you are not the first great and good man, who has most wrong- fully been slandered and maltreated in this wicked world doubtless to be better treated in a better world, where there shall neither be error, calumny, nor persecution. In the meantime, let me never see your face again; for I have a horrid antipathy to the countenances of unfortunate great men like yourself." CHAPTER V. In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of himself After which is to be found much interesting History about Peter the Headstrong and his Followers. As my readers and myself are about entering on as many perils as ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-errant wilfully ran their heads into, it is meet that, like those hardy adventurers, we should join hands, bury all differences, and swear to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end of the enterprise. NEW YORK. 291 My readers must, doubtless, perceive how completely I have altered my tone and deportment since we first set out together. I warrant they then thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a Dutchman ; for I scarcely ever gave them a civil word, nor so much as touched my beaver, when I had occasion to address them. But as we jogged along together, in the high- road of my history, I gradually began to relax, to grow more courteous, and occasionally to enter into familiar discourse; until at length I came to conceive a most social, companionable kind of regard for them. This is just my way : I am always a little cold and reserved at first, particularly to people whom I neither know nor care for; and am only to be completely won by long intimacy. Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances, that flocked around me at my first appearance? Many were merely attracted by a new face; and, having stared me full in the title-page, walked off without saying a word; while others lingered yawningly through the preface, and, having gratified their short-lived cu- riosity, soon dropped off one by one. But more espe- cially to try their mettle, I had recourse to an expe- dient, similar to one which we are told was used by that peerless flower of chivalry, king Arthur; who, before he admitted any knight to his intimacy, first required that he should show himself superior to danger or hardships, by encountering unheard-of mishaps, slay- ing some dozen giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a word of dwarfs, hippogriflfs, and fiery dra- gons. On a similar principle I cunningly led my readers, at the first sally, into two or three knotty chapters, where they were most wofully belaboured and buffeted by a host of pagan philosophers and infi- del writers. Though naturally a very grave man, yet u 2 292 HISTORY OF could I scarce refrain from smiling outright at seeing the utter confusion and dismay of my valiant cava- liers; some dropped down dead (asleep) on the field; others threw down my book in the middle of the first chapter, took to their heels, and never ceased scamper- ing until they had fairly run it out of sight; when they stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what troubles they had undergone, and to warn all others from venturing on so thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my ranks more and more; and, of the vast multitude that first set out, but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in exceedingly battered con- dition, through the five introductory chapters. What then ! would you have had me to take such sunshine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom, at our first acquaintance? No, no; I reserved my friend- ship for those who deserved it ; for those who undaunt- edly bore me company, in despite of difficulties, dan- gers, and fatigues. And now, as to those who adhere to me at present, I take them affectionately by the hand. Worthy and thrice-beloved readers! brave and well- tried comrades ! who have faithfully followed my foot- steps through all my wanderings; I salute you from my heart ; I pledge myself to stand by you to the last ; and to conduct you (so Heaven speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between my fingers,) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous un- dertaking. But, hark! while we are thus talking, the city of New Amsterdam is in a bustle. The gallant host of warriors encamped in the Bowling-green are striking their tents; the brazen trumpet of Anthony Van Cor- lear makes the welkin to resound with portentous clangour; the drums beat; the standards of the Man- hattoes, of Hell-gate, and of Michael Paw wave proudly in the air. And now behold where the mariners are NEW YORK. 293 busily employed, hoisting the sails of yon top-sail schooner, and those two clump-built Albany sloops, which are to waft the army of the Nederlanders to gather immortal honours on the Delaware ! The entire population of the city, man, woman, and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New Am- sterdam, as it paraded the streets previous to embark- ation. Many a handkerchief was waved out of the windows; many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful occasion. The grief of the fair dames and beauteous damsels of Grenada could not have been more vociferous on the banishment of the gallant tribe of Abencerages, than was that of the kind-hearted fair ones of New Amsterdam, on the departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love-sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts; many a copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy; and there remain extant to this day some love verses written on that occasion, suffi- ciently crabbed and incomprehensible to confound the whole universe. But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how they hung about the doughty Anthony Van Cor- lear; for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a desperate rogue among the women. Fain would they have kept him to com- fort them while the army was away ; for, besides what I have said of him, it is no more than justice to add, that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevo- lent attentions in comforting disconsolate wives during the absence of their husbands; and this made him to be very much regarded by the honest burghers of the city. But nothing could keep the valiant Anthony from following the heels of the old governor, whom he loved as he did his very soul; so, embracing all 294 HISTORY OF the young vrouws, and giving every one of them that had good teeth and rosy lips a dozen hearty smacks, he departed loaded with their kind wishes. Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the least causes of public distress. Though the old governor was by no means indulgent to the follies and waywardness of his subjects, yet, somehow or other, he had become strangely popular among the people. There is something so captivating in personal bravery, that, with the common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of most other merits. The simple folk of New Amsterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesantas a prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy of his martial encounters, was regarded with reverence and admiration. Every old burgher had a budget of miraculous stories to tell about the exploits of Hard- koppig Piet, wherewith he regaled his children of a long winter night, and on which he dwelt with as much delight and exaggeration as do our honest country yeomen on the hardy ad ventures of old General Putnam (or, as he is familiarly termed, Old Put.) during our glorious revolution. Not an individual but verily believed the old governor was a match for Beelzebub himself; and there was even a story told, with great mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot the devil with a silver bullet one dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe through Hell-gate. But this I do not record as an absolute fact. Perish the man who would let fall a drop to discolour the pure stream of history ! Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amsterdam butconsidered Peter Stuyvesantas a to w r er of strength, and rested satisfied that the public welfare was secure so long as he was in the city. It is not surprising, then, that they looked upon his departure as a sore affliction. With heavy hearts they draggled at the NEW YORK. liyo heels of his troops, as they fnarched down to the river- side to embark. The governor, from the stern of his schooner, gave a short but truly patriarchal address to his citizens ; wherein he recommended them to comport themselves like loyal and peaceful subjects ; to go to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind their business all the week besides. That the women should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands, looking after nobody's concerns but their own : eschewing all gossipings and morning gaddings ; and carrying short tongues and long petticoats. That the men should abstain from intermeddling in public concerns, entrusting the cares of government to the officers appointed to support them ; staying at home, like good citizens, making money for themselves, and getting children for the benefit of their country. That the burgomasters should look well to the public interest; not oppressing the poor or indulging the rich ; not tasking their ingenuity to devise new laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were already made rather bending their attention to prevent evil than to punish it ; ever recollecting that civil magis- trates should consider themselves more as guardians of public morals than rat-catchers employed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct them- selves as ivell as they could ; assuring them, that if they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this golden rule, there was no danger but that they would all conduct themselves well enough. This done, he gave them a paternal benediction ; the sturdy Anthony sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a lusty shout of triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly down the bay. The good people of New Amsterdam crowded down to the Battery, that blest resort, from whence 296 HISTORY OF so many a tender prayer has been wafted, so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful look been cast by love-sick damsel, after the lessening bark which bore her adventurous swain to distant climes! Here the populace watched, with straining eyes, the gallant squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay ; and, when the intervening land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues and downcast countenances. A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city ; the honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful look to the weathercock on the church of St. Nicholas ; and all the old women, having no longer the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, gathered their children home, and barricadoed the doors and win- dows every evening at sundown. In the meanwhile, the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and, after en- countering about as many storms, and water-spouts, and whales, and other horrors and phenomena as generally befal adventurous landsmen, in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after undergoing a severe scouring from that deplorable and unpitied malady called sea-sickness ; the whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his wearied ships time to breathe after labouring so long in the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the Delaware, and made a sudden appear- ance before Fort Casimir. Having summoned the astonished garrison by a terrific blast from the trumpet of the long-winded Van Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen Scutz, the wind-dried com- mandant, replied in a shrill whiffling voice, which, by NEW YORK. 297 reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like the wind whistling through a broken bellows, " that he had no very strong reasons for refusing, except that the demand was particularly disagreeable, as he had been ordered to maintain his post to the last ex- tremity." He requested time, therefore, to consult x with Governor Risingh, and proposed a truce for that purpose. The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, and thus perti- naciously withheld, refused the proffered armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. Nicholas, which, like the sacred fire, was never extinguished, that, unless the fort were surrendered in ten minues, he would incontinently storm the works, make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a com- mander, like a pickled shad. To give this menace the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, and shook it at them with such a fierce and vigorous motion, that doubtless, if it had not been exceeding rusty, it would have lightened terror into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men to bring a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, three muskets, a long duck fowling- piece, and two brace of horse pistols. In the meantime the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled all his forces, and commenced his warlike operations. Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging of his trumpet ; the lusty choristers of Sing- Sing broke forth into a hideous song of battle; the warriors of Breukelen and the Wael-bogtig blew a potent and astounding blast on their conch-shells : all together forming as outrageous a concerto as though five thousand French orchestras were displaying their skill in a modern overture. Whether the formidable front of war, thus suddenly 298 HISTORY OF presented, smote the garrison with sore dismay, or whether the concluding terms of the summons, which mentioned that he should surrender " at discretion," were mistaken by Suen Scutz, who, though a Swede, was a very considerate, easy-tempered man, as a com- pliment to his discretion, I will not take upon me to say ; certain it is, he found it impossible to resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly, in the very nick of time, just, as the cabin boy had gone after a coal of fire to discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on the rampart by the only drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both parties ; who, not- withstanding their great stomach, for fighting, had full as good inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to exchange black eyes and bloody noses. Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to the domination of their High Mightinesses ; Scutz and his garrison of twenty men were allowed to march out with the honours of war; and the victorious Peter, who was as generous as brave, permitted them to keep possession of all their arms and ammunition, the same, on inspection, being found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even before it was wrested by the Swedes from the magnanimous but windy Von Poffenburgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the governor was so well pleased with the services of his faithful squire, Van Corlear, in the reduction of this great fortress, that he made him, on the spot, lord of a goodly domain in the vicinity of New Amsterdam, which goes by the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day.* The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuyvesant towards the Swedes, occasioned great surprise in the city of New Amsterdam ; nay, certain of those factious * De. Vriez makes mention, in one of his voyages, of Corlear's Hoeck, and Corlear's Plantagle, or Bouwery. NEW YORK. 299 individuals, who had been enlightened by the political meetings that prevailed during the days of William the Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their meddle- some habits under the eye of their present ruler, now emboldened by his absence, dared even to give vent to their censures in the streets; murmurs were heard in the very council-chamber of New Amster- dam ; and there is no knowing whether they would not have broken out into downright speeches and invec- tives, had not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking-staff, to be laid as a mace on the table of the council-chamber, in the midst of his counsellors; who, like wise men, took the hint, and for ever after held their peace. CHAPTER VI. Showing the great Advantage that the Author has over his Reader in time of Battle together with divers portentous Movements; which betoken that something terrible is about to happen. LIKE as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast, the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes his palate, feels his impatient appetite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while his voracious eyes, projecting from his head, roll greedily round, devouring every thing at table, so did the mettlesome Peter Stuyvesant feel that intolerable hunger for martial glory, which raged within his very bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir; and nothing could allay it but the conquest of all New Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he secured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina.* * This is at present a. flourishing town called Christiana, or Christeen, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post road to Baltimore. 300 HISTORY OF This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small river (or, as it is more improperly termed, creek) of the same name; and here that crafty gover- nor, Jan Risingh, lay grimly drawn up, like a grey- bearded spider in the citadel of his web. But before we hurry into the direful scenes that must attend the meeting of two such powerful chief- tains, it is advisable that we pause for a moment, and hold a kind of warlike council. Battles should not be rushed into precipitately by the historian and his readers, any more than by the general and his sol- diers. The great commanders of antiquity never engaged the enemy without previously preparing the minds of their followers by animating harangues; spiriting them up to heroic feelings; assuring them of the protection of the gods ; and inspiring them with a confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the historian should awaken the attention and enlist the passions of his readers; and, having set them all on fire with the importance of his subject, he should put himself at their head, flourish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the fight. An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having arrived at the breaking out of the Peloponne- sian war, one of his commentators observes, that " he sounds the charge in all the disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues the allies on both sides. He awakens our expectations, and fast engages our atten- tion. All mankind are concerned in the important point now going to be decided. Endeavours are made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interested in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature seems to labour with the great event. This is his solemn, sublime manner of setting out. Thus he magnifies a war between two, as Rapin calls them, petty estates; NEW YORK. 301 and thus artfully he supports a little subject by treat- ing it in a great and noble method."* In like manner, having conducted my readers into the very teeth of peril; having followed the adven- turous Peter and his band into foreign regions, sur- rounded by foes, and stunned by the horrid din of arms; at this important moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and prepare them for the events that are to follow. And here I would premise one great advantage which, as the historian, I possess over my reader; and this it is that though I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict the event of a battle (both which liberties, though often taken by the French writers of the present reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian,) yet I can now and then make him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke sufficient to fell a giant; though, in honest truth, he may never have done any thing of the kind; or I can drive his antagonist clear round and round the field, as did Homer make that fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the walls of Troy; for which, if ever they have encountered one another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince of poets has had to make the most humble apology. I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready to cry out "foul play!" whenever I render a little assistance to my hero; but I consider it one of those privileges exercised by historians of all ages, and one which has never been disputed. In fact, an historian is, as it were, bound in honour to stand by his hero; the fame of the latter is entrusted to his hands, and it is his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a general, an admiral, or any com- * Smith's Thucyd. vol. i. p. Ixx. 0(J'2 HISTORY -OF mander, who, in giving an account of any battle that he had fought, did not sorely belabour the enemy; and I have no doubt that, had my heroes written the history of their own achievements, they would have dealt much harder blows than any that 1 shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to do them the same justice they would have done themselves; and, if I happen to be a little hard upon the Swedes, I give free leave to any of their descendants, who may write a history of the State of Delaware, to take fair reta- liation, and belabour Peter Stuy vesant as hard as they please. Therefore, stand by for broken heads and bloody noses! My pen has long itched for a battle; siege after siege have I carried on, without blows or blood- shed; but now I have at length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven and St. Nicholas, that, let the chroni- cles of the times say what they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other battlemonger of them all, did ever record a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant chieftains are now about to engage. And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for your faithful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner of my heart, be not uneasy; trust the fate of our favourite Stuy vesant to me; for, by the rood, come what may, I'll stick by Hard-koppig Piet to the last; I'll make him drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned Launcelot of the Lake a herd of recreant Cornish knights; and, if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to fight another battle in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make these lubberly Swedes pay for it! No sooner had Peter Stuy vesant arrived before Fort Christina, than he proceeded without delay to entrench NEW YORK. 303 himself, and, immediately on running his first parallel, despatched Anthony Van Corlear to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due formality, hoodwinked at the portal, and con- ducted, through a pestiferous smell of salt-fish, and onions, to the citadel, a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were here uncovered, and he found himself in the august presence of Governor Risingh. This chieftain, as I have before noted, was a very giantly man, and was clad in a coarse blue coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, which caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off with a very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased in a pair of foxy-coloured jack-boots, and he was straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of broken looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make a series of horrible grimaces, that heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his visage. On Anthony Van Corlear's being announced, the grim commander paused for a moment, in the midst of one of the most hard-favoured contor- tions, and, after eyeing him askance over the shoulder, with a kind of snarling grin on his countenance, resumed his labours at the glass. This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to the trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand. Anthony Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a kind of short-hand speaker, a long message from his Excellency, recounting the whole history of the province, with a recapitulation of griev- ances, and enumeration of claims, and concluded with a peremptory demand of instant surrender; which done, he turned aside, took his nose between his thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous bla first introduced the custom of cracking eggs at Paas or Easter. New-year's Day was also observed with extravagant festivity, and ushered in by the ringing of bells arid firing of guns. Every house was a temple to the jolly god. Oceans of cherry brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider, were set afloat on the occasion ; and not a poor man in town but made it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of pure 336 HISTORY OF economy taking in liquor enough to serve him for half a year afterwards. It would have done one's heart good also to have seen the valiant Peter, seated among the old burghers and their wives of a Saturday afternoon, under the great trees that spread their shade over the Battery, watching the young men and women as they danced on the green. Here he would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace. He would occa- sionally give a nod of approbation to those of the young men who shuffled and kicked most vigorously, and now and then give a hearty smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and tired down all her competitors; which he considered as infallible proofs of her being the best dancer. Once, it is true, the harmony of the meeting was rather interrupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in the gay world, and who, having lately come from Holland, of course led the fashions in the city, made her ap- pearance in not more than half a dozen petticoats, and these too of most alarming shortness. A universal whisper ran through the assembly ; the old ladies all felt shocked in the extreme, the young ladies blushed and felt excessively for the " poor thing," and even the governor himself was observed to be a little troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment of the good folks, she undertook, in the course of a jig, to describe some astonishing figures in algebra, which she had learned from a dancing-master in Rotterdam. Whether she was too animated in flourishing her feet, or whether some vagabond Zephyr took the liberty of obtruding his services, certain it is, that in the course of a grand evolution, which would not have disgraced a modern ball-room, she made a most un- expected display; whereat the whole assembly was NEW YORK. 337' thrown into great admiration, several grave country members were not a little moved, and the good Peter himself, who was a man of unparalleled modesty, felt himself grievously scandalized. The shortness of the female dresses, which had continued in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, had long offended his eye; and, though ex- tremely averse to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately recommended that every one should be furnished with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise ordered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should use no other step in dancing than shuffle-and-turn, and double-trouble; and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed " exhibiting the graces." These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon the sex; and these were considered by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted with that becom- ing spirit always manifested by the gentle sex, when- ever their privileges are invaded. In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly perceived, that if he attempted to push the matter any further, there was danger of their leaving off petticoats altogether; so, like a wise man, experienced in the ways of women, he held his peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their petticoats and cut their capers as high as they pleased. 338 HISTORY OF CHAPTER II. How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the Moss- Troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merry-land; and how a dark and horrid Conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet against the Prosperity of the Manhattoes. WE are now approaching towards the crisis of our work; and, if I be not mistaken in my forebodings, we shall have a world of business to despatch in the ensuing chapters. It is with some communities as it is with certain meddlesome individuals they have a wonderful faci- lity at getting into scrapes; and I have always re- marked, that those are most liable to get in who have the least talent at getting out again. This is, doubt- less, owing to the excessive valour of those states ; for I have likewise noticed, that this rampant and un- governable quality is always most unruly when most confined; which accounts for its vapouring so amaz- ingly in little states, little men, and ugly little women more especially. Thus, when one reflects that the province of the Manhattoes, though of prodigious importance in the eyes of its inhabitants and its historian, was really of no very great consequence in the eyes of the rest of the world; that it had but little wealth or other spoils to reward the trouble of assailing it, and that it had nothing to expect from running wantonly into war, save an exceeding good beating; on pondering these things, I say, one would utterly despair of find- ing in its history either battle or bloodshed, or any other of those calamities which give importance to a nation, and entertainment to the reader. But, on the contrary, we find, so valiant is this province, that it has already drawn upon itself a host uf enemies ; IK s had KEW YORK. 3:39 as many bufferings as would gratify the ambition of the most warlike nation; and is, in sober sadness, a very forlorn, distressed, and wo-begone little province ! all which was, no doubt, kindly ordered by Provi- dence, to give interest and sublimity to this pathetic history. But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful maraudings and harassments that, for a long while after the victory on the Delaware, continued to insult the dignity, and disturb the repose, of the Neder- landers. Suffice it in brevity to say, that the impla- cable hostility of the people of the east, which had so miraculously been prevented from breaking out, as my readers must remember, by the sudden prevalence of witchcraft, and the dissensions in the council of Amphictyons, now again displayed itself in a thousand grievous and bitter scourings upon the borders. Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch settle- ments on the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden appearance of an invading army from Connecticut. This would advance resolutely through the country, like a puissant caravan of the deserts, the women and children mounted in carts loaded with pots and ket- tles, as though they meant to boil the honest Dutch- men alive, and devour them like so many lobsters. At the tail of these carts would stalk a crew of long- limbed, lank-sided varlets, with axes on their shoulders, and packs on their backs, resolutely bent upon im- proving the country, in despite of its proprietors. These, settling themselves down, would in a short time completely dislodge the unfortunate Nederlanders, elbowing them out of those rich bottoms and fertile valleys in which our Dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling themselves; for it is notorious, that wherever these shrewd men of the east get a footing, the honest Dutchmen do gradually disappear, retiring 1340 nisioKV OF slowly, like the Indians before the White?, being totally discomfited by the talking, chaffering, swap- ping, bargaining disposition of their new neighbours. All these audacious infringements on the territories of their High Mightinesses were accompanied, as has before been hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, rib- roastings, and bundlirigs, which would doubtless have incensed the valiant Peter to wreak immediate chas- tisement, had he not at the very same time been perplexed by distressing accounts from Mynheer Beck- man, who commanded the territories at South River. The restless Swedes, who had so graciously been suffered to remain about the Delaware, already began to show signs of mutiny and disaffection. But what was worse, a peremptory claim was laid to the whole territory, as the rightful property of Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, a chieftain who lived over the colony of Maryland, or Merry-land, as it was anciently called, because the inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord before their eyes, were notoriously prone to get fuddled and make merry with mint-julep and apple- toddy. Nay, so hostile was this bully Feudal, that he threatened, unless his claim was instantly complied with, to march incontinently at the head of a potent force of the roaring boys of Merry-land, together with a great and mighty train of giants, who infested the banks of the Susquehannah;* and to lay waste and depopulate the whole country of South River. * We find very curious and wonderful accountsof these strange people (who were doubtless the ancestors of the present Mary- landers) made by Master Hariot, in his interesting history. "The Susquesahanocks," observes he, " are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behaviour, and attire; their voice sound- ing from them as if out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quarters of a yard long, carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the braines of a horse (and how many asses' braines are beaten out, or rather men's braines YORK. 341 By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, like all great acquisitions of territory, soon became a greater evil to the conqueror than the loss of it was to the conquered ; and caused greater uneasiness and trouble than all the territory of the New Netherlands besides. Thus Providence wisely orders that one evil shall balance another. The conqueror who wrests the property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation and desolates a country," though he may acquire in- crease of empire, and immortal fame, yet insures his own inevitable punishment. He takes to himself a cause of endless anxiety ; he incorporates with his late sound domain a loose part, a rotten, disaffected mem- ber; which is an exhaustles* source of internal treason and disunion, and external altercation and hostility. Happy is that nation, which, compact, united, loyal in all its parts, and concentrated in its strength, seeks no idle acquisition of unprofitable and ungovernable terri- tory ; which, content to be prosperous and happy, has no ambition to be great. It is like a man well orga- nized in all his system, sound in health, and full of vigour; unincumbered by useless trappings, and fixed in an unshaken attitude. But the nation insatiable of territory, whose domains are scattered, feebly united, and weakly organized, is like a senseless miser sprawl- ing among golden stores, open to every attack, and unable to defend the riches he vainly endeavours to overshadow. At the time of receiving the alarming despatches from South River, the great Peter was busily em- ployed in quelling certain Indian troubles that had broken out about Esopus, and was moreover medi- smoked out, and asses' braines haled in, by our lesser pipes at home.) The calfe of one of their legges was measured three quarters of a yard about, the rest of his limbs proportionable." Master Harlot's Journ. Purch. Pil. 342 HISTORY OF tating how to relieve his (astern borderson the Connec- ticut. He, however, sent word to Mynheer Beckraan to be of good heart, to maintain incessant vigilance, and to let him know if matters wore a threatening appearance; in which case he would incontinently repair with his warriors of the Hudson, to spoil the merriment of these Merry-landers; for he coveted exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some half a score of these giants, having never encountered a giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the stout Risingh; and he was but a little one. Nothing further, however, occurred to molest the tranquillity of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. Feudal and his myrmidons remained at home, carous- ing it soundly upon hoe-cakes, bacon, and mint-julep, and running horses, and fighting cocks, for which they were greatly renowned. At hearing of this, Peter Stuy vesant was very well pleased ; for, notwithstand- ing his inclination to measure weapons with theso monstrous men of the Susquehannah, yet he had already as much employment nearer home as he could turn his hands to. Little did he think, worthy soul, that this southern calm was but the deceitful prelude to a most terrible and fatal storm, then brewing, which was soon to burst forth and overwhelm the unsuspect- ing city of New Amsterdam. Now so it was, that while this excellent governor was giving his little senate laws, and not only giving them, but enforcing them too; while he was incessantly travelling the rounds of his beloved province; posting from place to place to redress grievances, and while busy at one. corner of his dominions all the rest getting into an uproar: at this very time, I say, a dark and direful plot was hatching against him, in that nursery of monstrous projects, the British cabinet. The news of his achievements on the Delaware, according to a NEW YORK. 343 sage old historian of New Amsterdam, had occasioned isot a little talk and marvel in the courts of Europe. And the same profound writer assures us, that the cabinet of England began to entertain great jealousy and uneasiness at the increasing power of the Man- hattoes, and the valour of its sturdy yeomanry. Agents, the historian observes, were sent by the Amphictyonic council of the east, to entreat the assistance of the British cabinet in subjugating this mighty province. Lord Sterling also asserted his right to Long Island; and, at the same time, Lord Baltimore, whose' agent, as has before been men- tioned^ had so alarmed Mynheer Beckman, laid his claim before the cabinet, to the lands of South River, which he complaioed were unjustly and forcibly de- tained from him by these daring usurpers of the Nieuw Nederlandts. Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhattoes stand in imminent danger of experiencing the fate of Poland, and being torn limb from limb, to be shared among its savage neighbours. But while these rapa- cious powers were whetting their fangs, and waiting for the signal to fall tooth and nail upon this delicious little fat Dutch empire, the lordly lion, who sat as umpire, all at once laid his mighty paw upon the spoil, and settled the claims of all parties, by granting none of them. For we are told that his majesty, Charles the Second, not to be perplexed by adjusting these several pretensions, made a present of a large tract of North America, including the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, to his brother the Duke of York; a do- nation truly royal, since none but great monarchs have a right to give away what does not belong to them. That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, ordered that an armament should be forthwith pre- 344 HISTORY OF pared, to invade the city of New Amsterdam by land and water, and put his brother in complete possession of the premises. Thus critically are situated the affairs of the New Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far from thinking of the jeopardy in which their interests are placed, are soberly smoking their pipes, and thinking of nothing at all ; the privy councillors of the pro- vince are at this moment snoring in full quorum, like the drones of five hundred bagpipes; while the active Peter, who takes all the labour of thinking and acting upon himself, is busily devising some method of bring- ing the grand council of Amphictyons to terms. In the meanwhile, an angry cloud is darkly scowling on the horizon ; soon shall it rattle about the ears of these dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle of their stout-hearted governor completely to the trial. But come what may, I here pledge my veracity that in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall still acquit himself with the gallant bearing and spot- less honour of a noble-minded obstinate old cavalier. Forward, then, to the charge ! shine out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of the Manhattoes ; and, may the blessings of St. Nicholas go with thee, honest Peter Stuyvesant ! CHAPTER III. Of Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into the East Country ; show- ing that, though an old Bird, he did not understand Trap. GREAT nations resemble great men in this particular, that their greatness is seldom known until they get in trouble; adversity, therefore, has been wisely deno- minated the ordeal of true greatness, which, like gold, NEW YORK. 345 can never receive its real estimation until it has passed through the furnace. In proportion, therefore, as a nation, a community, or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur, and, even when sinking under calamity, makes, like a house on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did in the fairest period of its prosperity. The vast empire of China, though teeming with po- pulation, and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of nations, has vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages; and, were it not for its internal revolution, and the subversion of its ancient government by the Tartars, might have -presented nothing but an unin- teresting detail of dull, monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Herculaneum might have passed into oblivion, with a herd of their contemporaries, had they not been fortunately overwhelmed with a volcano. The renowned city of Troy has acquired celebrity only from its ten years' distress and final conflagration; Paris rises in importance, by the plots and massacres which have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious Napoleon ; and even the mighty London itself has skulked through the records of time, celebrated for nothing of moment, excepting the plague, the great fire, and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot! Thus cities and empires seem to creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity under the pen of the historian, until at length they burst forth in some tremendous calamity, and snatch, as it were, immortality from the explosion! The above principle being admitted, my reader will plainly perceive that the city of New Amsterdam and its dependent province are on the high road to great- ness. Dangers and hostilities threaten from every side; and it is really a matter of astonishment to me, how so small a state has been able, in so short a time, 346 HISTORY OF to entangle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since the province was first taken by the. nose, at the Fort of Good Hope, in the iranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually increasing in historic importance; and never could it have had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the pinnacle of grandeur than Peter Stuyvesant. In the fiery heart of this iron-headed old warrior sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage described by Aristotle; and, had the philosopher mentioned five hundred more to the back of them, I verily believe he would have been found master of them all. The only misfortune was, that he was deficient in the better part of valour, called discretion, a cold-blooded virtue which could not exist in the tropical climate of his mighty soul. Hence it was, he was continually hurrying into those unheard of enterprises that give an air of chivalric romance to all his history ; and hence it was, that he now conceived a project worthy of the hero of La Mancha himself. This was no other than to repair in person to the great council of the Amphictyons, bearing the sword in one hand, and the olive branch in the other, to require immediate reparation for the innumerable violations of that treaty, which, in an evil hour, he had formed; to put a stop to those repeated maraud- ings on the eastern borders; or else to throw his gauntlet, and appeal to arms for satisfaction. On declaring this resolution in his privy council, the venerable members were seized with vast astonish- ment; for once in their lives they ventured to remon- strate, setting forth the rashness of exposing his sacred person in the midst of a strange and barbarous people, with sundry other weighty remonstrances; all which had about as much influence upon the determina- tion of the headstrong Peter, as though you were NEW YORK. 347 to endeavour to turn a rusty weathercock with a broken-winded bellows. Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty followir. Anthony Van Corlear, he commanded him to hold himself in readiness to accompany him the following morning on this his hazardous enterprise. Now Anthony, the trumpeter, was a little stricken in years; yet, by dint of keeping up a good heart, and having never known care or sorrow (having never been married,) he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Casimir. Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted Anthony than this command of the great Peter; for he could have followed the stout-hearted old governor to the world's end, with love and loyalty ; and he, moreover, still remembered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and other disports of the east country; and entertained daily recollection of nume- rous kind and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceed- ingly again to encounter. Thus, then, did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the most perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of knight-errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly among a whole nation of foes; but, above all, for a plain, downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with the whole council of New England never was there known a more desperate undertaking ! Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of this peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, has he kept me in a state of incessant action and anxiety, with the toils and dangers he is constantly encoun- tering. Oh ! for a chapter of the tranquil reign of 348 HISTORY OF Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose on it as on a feather-bed ! Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once already rescued thee from the machinations of these terrible Amphictyons, by bringing the whole powers of witchcraft to thine aid? Is it not enough, that I have followed thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle of Fort Christina? That I have been put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound; now warding off with my single pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy rear; now narrowly shielding thee from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco-box; now casing thy daunt- less skull with adamant, when even thy stubborn ram beaver failed to resist the sword of the stout Risingh; and now, not merely bringing thee off alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle? Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging into new difficulties, and jeopardizing in headlong enterprises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ? And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom chambermaid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly red- haired Phoebus, startled at being caught so late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With many a stable-oath, he harnessed his brazen-footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and splashes up the firmament, like a loitering post-boy, half an hour beyond his time. And now, behold that imp of fame and provvess, the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that trusty brass-hilted sword which had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of the Delaware. NEW YORK. 349 Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter, Van Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico-mare; his stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is emblazoned the great beaver of the Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the city-gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful squire at his heels, the populace fol- lowing them with their eyes, and shouting many a parting wish, and hearty cheering. Farewell, Hard- koppig Piet! Farewell, honest Anthony ! Pleasant be your wayfaring prosperous your return! The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the wor- thiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe leather. Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befel our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on the occasion by Domini ^Egidius Luyck,* who appears to have been the poet-laureate of New Amsterdam. This inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a rare spectacle to behold the great Peter, and his loyal follower, hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear countenance of nature, as they pranced it through the pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael;-j- which, in those days, was a sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a bright wild-flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and enlivened here and there by a delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltering under some sloping hill, and almost buried in embowering trees. * This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin School in Nieuw Nederlandts, 1063. There are two pieces of .ZEgidius Luyck in D. Selyn's MSS. of poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn. Old MS. t Now called Blooming Dale, about four miles from New York. 350 HISTORY OF Now did they enter upon theconfinesof Connecticut, where they encountered many grievous difficulties and perils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of country squires and militia colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, harassing them exceedingly with guesses and questions, more especially the worthy Peter, whose silver-chased leg excited not a little marvel. At another place, hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a great and mighty legion of church deacons, who imperiously demanded of them five shillings for travelling on Sunday, and threatened to carry them captive to a neighbouring church, whose steeple peered above the trees; but these the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch that they bestrode their canes and galloped off in horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape from the handsof a crafty man of Py quag; who, with undaunted perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leaving him in place thereof a villanous, spavined, foundered Narraganset pacer. But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey cheerily along the course of the soft-flowing Connecticut, who^e gentle waves, says the song, roll through many a fertile vale and sunny plain; now- reflecting the lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble hamlet; now echoing with the busy hum of commerce, and now with the cheerful song of the peasant. At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Anthony to sound a courteous salutation ; though the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when they heard of his approach. For the NEW YORK. ii51 fame of his incomparable achievements on the Dela- ware had spread throughout the east country, and they dreaded lest he had come to take vengeance on their manifold transgressions. But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling aspect, waving his hand with inexpressible majesty and condescension; for he verily believed that the old clothes which these ingenious people had thrust into their broken windows, and the festoons of dried apples and peaches which ornamented the fronts of their houses, were so many decorations in honour of his approach; as it was the custom in the days of chivalry to compliment renowned heroes, by sumptuous displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the doors to gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prowess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little children, too, ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which many strapping wenches betrayed, at beholding the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilome delighted them so much with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's challenge to the Amphictyons. The kind-hearted Anthony alighted from his calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite lovingkindness, and was right pleased to see a crew of little trumpeters crowding around him for his blessing; each of whom he patted on the head, bade him be a good boy, and gave him a penny to buy molasses candy. The Stuy vesant manuscript makes but little further mention of the governor's adventures upon this expe- dition, excepting that he was received with extrava- gant courtesy and respect by the great council of the Amphictyons, who almost talked him to death with complimentary and congratulatory harangues. I will not detain my readers by dwelling on his negotiations 352 HISTORY OF with the grand council. Suffice it to mention, it was like all other negotiations a great deal was said and very little done: one conversation led to another; one conference begat misunderstandings which it took a dozen conferences to explain ; at the end of which the parties found themselves just where they were at first; excepting that they had entangled themselves in a host of questions of etiquette, and concc ived a cordial distrust of each other, that rendered their future negotiations ten times more difficult than ever.* In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewil- dered the brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy Peter, who was, perhaps, of all men in the world, least fitted for diplomatic wiles, he privately received the first intimation of the dark conspiracy which had been matured in the cabinet of England. To this was added the astounding intelligence that a hostile squad- ron had already sailed from England, destined to re- duce the province of New Netherlands, and that the grand council of Amphictyons had engaged to co- operate, by sending a great army to invade New Amsterdam by land. Unfortunate Peter ! did I not enter with sad fore- bodings upon this ill-starred expedition ? Did I not tremble when I saw thee, with no other counsellor but thine own head; with no other armour but an honest tongue, a spotless conscience, and a rusty sword; with no other protector but St. Nicholas; and no other attendant but a trumpeter? Did I not tremble when I beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing powers of New England ? Oh how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in * For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotiation, see Has. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent with respect to this memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant. NEW YORK. 353 the hunter's toil I Now did he determine to draw his trusty sword, and manfully to fight his way through all the countries of the east. Now did he resolve to break in upon the council of the Amphictyons, and put every mother's son of them to death. At length, as his direful wrath subsided, he resorted to safer, though less glorious expedients. Concealing from the council his knowledge of their machinations, he privately despatched a trusty messen- ger with missives to his councillors at New Amster- dam, apprising them of the impending danger, com- manding them immediately to put the city in a pos- ture of defence, while in the mean time he would endeavour to elude his enemies and come to their assistance. This done, he felt himself marvellously relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much the same man- ner as Giant Despair is described to have issued from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history of the Pil- grim's Progress. And now, much does it grieve me that I must leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy : but it behoves us to hurry back and see what is going on at New Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already in a turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant; while doing one thing with heart and soul, he was too apt to leave every thing else at sixes and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he was absent attending to those things in person, which in modern days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little territory at home was sure to get in an uproar; all which was owing to that uncommon strength of intellect, which induced him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired him the renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. A A 354 HISTORY OF CHAPTER IV. How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a great Panic, by the News of a threatened Invasion ; and the Man- ner in whieh they fortified themselves. THERE is no sight more truly interesting to a phi- losopher than to contemplate a community where every individual has a voice in public affairs, where every individual thinks himself the Atlas of the nation, and where every individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of his country; I say, there is nothing more interesting to a philosopher than to see such a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such a clamour of tongues, such a bawling of patriotism, such running hither and thither, every body in a hurry, every body up to the ears in trouble, every body in the way, and every body interrupting his industrious neighbour, who is busily employed in doing nothing ! It is like witnessing a great fire, where every man is at work like a hero; some dragging about empty engines; others scampering with full buckets, and spilling the contents into the boots of their neighbours; and others ringing the church bells all night, by way of putting out the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy little knights storming a breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, and bawling through tin trum- pets, by way of directing the attack. Here one busy fellow, in his great zeal to save the property of the unfortunate, catches up an anonymous chamber utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as much self-import- ance, as if he had rescued a pot, of money ; another throws looking-glasses and china out of the window, to save them from the flames; while those, who can do nothing else to assist the great calamity, run up and down the strec ts with open throats, keeping up au incessant cry of Fire! Fire! Fire! NEW YORK. 355 " When the news arrived at Sinope," skys the grave and profound Lucian, though I own the story is rather trite, "that Philip was about to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms; others rolled stones to build up the walls; every body, in short, was employed, and every body was in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone was the only man who could find nothing to do; whereupon, determining not to be idle when the welfare of his country was at stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to rolling his tub with might and main, up and down the Gymnasium." In like manner did every mother's son, in the patriotic community of New Amsterdam, on receiving the mis- sive of Peter Stuy vesant, busy himself most mightily in putting things in confusion, and assisting the general uproar. " Every man," saith the Stuyvesant manu- script, " flew to arms ! " By which is meant, that not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture to church or to market, without an old-fashioned spit of a sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling-piece on his shoulder; nor would he go out of a night without a lantern; nor turn a corner without first peeping cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a British army ; and we are informed, that Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the old women almost as brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two one-pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the front door and the other at the back. But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this awful occasion, and one which has since been found of wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meet- ings. These brawling convocations, I have already shown, were extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant: but as this was a moment of unusual agitation, and as A A 2 356 HISTORY OF the old governor was not present to repress them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the orators and politicians repaired; and there seemed to be a competition among them who should bawl the loudest, and exceed the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to uphold and defend the government. In these sage and all-powerful meetings it was determined, nem. con. that they were the most enlightened, the most digni- fied, the most formidable, and the most ancient com- munity upon the face of the earth. Finding that this resolution was so universally and readily carried, another was immediately proposed Whether it were not possible and politic to exterminate Great Britain? Upon which sixty-nine members spoke most eloquently in the affirmative, and only one arose to suggest some doubts; who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- sumption, was immediately seized by the mob and tarred and feathered ; which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an outcast from society, and his opinion went for nothing. The question, therefore, being unanimously carried in the affirmative, it was recommended to the grand council to pass it into a law, which was accordingly done; by this measure the hearts of the people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure subsided, the old women having buried all the money they could lay their hands on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled with what was left, the community began even to stand on the offensive. Songs were manufactured in Low Dutch, and sung about the streets, wherein the English were most wofully beaten, and shown no quarter; and popular addresses were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty, that the NEW YORK. 357 fate of Old England depended upon the will of the New Amsterdammers. Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assembled ; and, having purchased all the British manu- factures they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire; and, in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present, who had a hat or breeches of English workmanship, pulled it off, and threw it most undauntedly into the flames to the irreparable detri- ment, loss, and ruin of the English manufacturers. In commemoration of this great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a device on the top, intended to represent the province of Nieuw Nederlandts de- stroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an eagle picking the little island of Old England out of the globe; but, either through the unskilfulness of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a strik- ing resemblance to a goose vainly striving to get hold of a dumpling. CHAPTER V. Showing how the Grand Council of the New Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with long Tongues Together with a great Triumph of Economy. IT will need but very little penetration in any one acquainted with the character and habits of that most potent and blustering monarch, the sovereign people, to discover that, notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of war that stunned him in the last chapter, the renowned city of New Amsterdam is, in sad reality, not a whit better prepared for defence than before. 358 HISTORY OF Now, though the people, having gotten over the first alarm, and finding no enemy immediately at hand, had, with that valour of tongue, for which your illus- trious rabble is so famous, run into the opposite extreme, and, by dint of gallant vapouring and rhodo- montado, had actually talked themselves into the opinion that they were the bravest and most powerful people under the sun ; yet were the privy councillors of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on that point. They dreaded, moreover, lest lhat stern hero should return and find that, instead of obeying his peremptory orders, they had wasted their time in listening to the hectorings of the mob, than which they well knew there was nothing he held in more exalted contempt. To make up, therefore, as speedily as possible, for lost time, a grand divan of the councillors and burgo- masters was convened, to talk over the critical state of the province, and devise measures for its safety. Two things were unanimously agreed upon in this venerable assembly: first, that the city required to be put in a state of defence; and, secondly, that as the danger was imminent, there should be no time lost; which points being settled, they immediately fell to making long speeches, and belabouring one another in endless and intemperate disputes. For, about this time was this unhappy city first visited by that talking endemic, so universally prevalent in this country, and which so invariably evinces itself, wherever a number of wise men assemble together; breaking out in long windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by the foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now it was, moreover, that they first introduced the in- genious method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the hour-glass; he being considered the ablest orator who spoke longest on a question: for which excellent invention, it is recorded, we are indebted to NEW YORK. 359 the same profound Dutch critic who judged of books by their size. The sudden passion for endless harangues, so little consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was supposed by certain learned philosophers to have been imbibed, together with di- vers other barbarous propensities, from their savage neighbours; who were peculiarly noted for their long talks and council fires ; who would never undertake any affair of the least importance, without previous debates and harangues among their chiefs and old men. But the real cause was, that the people, in electing their representatives to the grand council, were particular in choosing them for their talents at talking, without inquiring whether they possessed the more rare, difficult, and ofttimes important talent of holding their tongues. The consequence was, that this deliberative body was composed of the most loquacious men in the community. As they con- sidered themselves placed there to talk, every man concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, what is more, his popularity with them, required that he should harangue on every subject, whether he under- stood it or not. There was an ancient mode of bury- ing a chieftain, by every soldier throwing his shield - full of earth on the corpse, until a mighty mound was formed ; so, whenever a question was brought forward in this assembly, every member, pressing forward to throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was quickly buried under a huge mass of words. We are told, in the Attic Nights of Aulus Gellius, that when disciples were admitted into the school of Pythagoras, they were for two years enjoined silence, and were neither permitted to ask questions nor make remarks. After they had thus acquired the ines- timable art of holding their tongues, they were gra- >60 HISTORY OF dually permitted to make inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions. What a pity is it, that while superstitiously hoard- ing up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, \ve should suffer these precious gems to lie unnoticed. What a beneficial effect would this wise regulation of Pytha- goras have, if introduced in legislative bodies; and how wonderfully would it have tended to expedite business in the grand council of the Manhattoes! Thus, however, did Dame Wisdom (whom the wags of antiquity have humorously personified as a woman) seem to take mischievous pleasure in jilting the vene- rable councillors of New Amsterdam. The old fac- tions of Long Pipes and Short Pipes, which had been almost strangled by the Herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung up with tenfold violence. Not that the original cause of difference still existed; but it has ever been the fate of party names and party rancour, to remain long after the principles that gave rise to them have been forgotten. To complete the public confusion and bewilderment, the fatal word Economy, which one would have thought was dead and buried with William the Testy, was once more set afloat, like the apple of discord, in the grand coun- cil of Nieuw Nederlandts; according to which sound principle of policy, it was deemed more expedient to throw away twenty thousand guilders upon an ineffi- cient plan of defence, than thirty thousand on a good and substantial one the province thus making a clear saving of ten thousand guilders. But when they came to discuss the mode of de- fence, then began a war of words that baffles all description. The members being, as I observed, enlisted in opposite parties, were enabled to proceed with amazing system and regularity in the discussion of the questions before them. Whatever was proposed NEW YORK. 361 by a Long Pipe, was opposed by the whole tribe of Short Pipes, who, like true politicians, considered it their first duty to effect the downfal of the Long Pipes; their second, to elevate themselves; and their third, to consult the welfare of the country. This at least was the creed of the most upright among the party; for, as to the great mass, they left the third consider- ation out of the question altogether. In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing the numberof projectsfor defence that were struck out, not one of which had ever been heard of before, nor has since been heard of, unless it be in very modern days; projects that threw the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft completely in the back ground. Still, however, nothing could be decided on; for, so soon as a formidable host of air-castles were reared by one party, they were demolished by the other; the simple populace stood gazing in anxious expectation of the mighty egg that was to be hatched with all this cack- ling, but they gazed in vain, for it appeared that the grand council \vas determined to protect the province, as did the noble and gigantic Pantagruel his army, by covering it with his tongue. Indeed, there was a portion of the members, con- sisting of fat self-important old burghers, who smoked their pipes and said nothing, excepting to negative every plan of defence that was offered. These were of that class of wealthy old citizens who, having amassed a fortune, button up their pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, and are good for nothing all the rest of their lives: like some phlegmatic oyster, which, having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, settles down in the mud, and parts with its life sooner than its treasure. Every plan of defence seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts, preyiiig upon the public 362 HISTORY OF property; to fit out a naval armament was to throw their money into the sea; to build fortifications was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no matter how much they were drubbed. A kick left no scar; a broken head cured itself; but an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature did nothing to the patient. Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away that time, which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever agreeing, except on the point with which they started, namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruinous. At length St. Nicholas, taking compassion on their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of one of their most noisy debates on the subject of fortification and defence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in consequence of not being able Jo convince each other, the question was happily settled by a messenger, who bounced into the chamber, and informed them that the hostile fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing up the bay ! Thus was all further necessity of either fortifying or disputing completely obviated; and thus was the grand council saved a world of words, and the pro- vince a world of expense a most absolute and glo- rious triumph of economy. NEW YORK. 363 CHAPTER VI. In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam appear to thicken Showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People who de- fend themselves by Resolutions. LIKE as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged in clamorous gibberings and caterwaulings, eyeing one another with hideous grimaces, spitting in each other's faces, and on the point of breaking forth into a general clapper-clawing, are suddenly put to scampering, rout and confusion, by the startling appearance of a house- dog, so was the no less vociferous council of New Amsterdam amazed, astounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member made the best of his way home, waddling along as fast as his short legs could fag under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as he went, with corpulency and terror. When he arrived at his castle, he bar- ricadoed the street door, and buried himself in the cider cellar, without daring to peep out, lest he should have his head carried off by a cannon-ball. The sovereign people all crowded into the market- place, herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek for safety in each other's company, when the shepherd and his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the fold. Far from finding relief, however, they only increased each other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his neighbour's face, in search of encouragement, but only found, in its wo- begone lineaments, a confirmation of his own dismay. Not a word now was to be heard of conquering Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy ; while the old women heightened the general HISTORY OF gloom, by clamorously bewailing their fate, and in- cessantly calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Peter Stuyvesant. Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion- hearted Peter! and how did they long for the com- forting presence of Anthony Van Corlear! Indeed, a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate of these adven- turous heroes. Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message from the governor, without bringing any further tidings of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hazarded as to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. Had they not been devoured alive by the cannibals of Marble-head and Cape Cod? Were they not put to the question by the great council of Amphictyons? Were they not smothered in onions by the terrible men of Pyquag? In the midst of this consternation and perplexity, when horror, like a mighty night-mare, sat brooding upon the little, fat, plethoric city of New Amsterdam, the ears of the multitude were suddenly startled by a strange and distant sound; it approached; it grew louder and louder; and now it resounded at the city gate. The public could not be mistaken in the well-known sound. A shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, came galloping into the market-place. The first transports of the populace having sub- sided, they gathered round the honest Anthony, as he dismounted from his horse, overwhelming him with greetings arid congratulations. In breathless accents he related to them the marvellous adventures through which the old governor and himself had gone, in making their escape from the clutches of the ter- rible Amphictyons. But though the Stuyvesant manuscript, with its customary minuteness where any- thing touching the great Peter is concerned, is very NEW YORK. 365 particular as to the incidents of this masterly retreat, yet the particular state of the public affairs will not allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anx- iously revolving in his mind how he could make good his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes touched at the eastern ports to obtain needful supplies, and to call on the grand council of the league for its promised co-operation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter perceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment; though, much did it grieve his lofty soul, to be obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers perilous misliaps did they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of trum- pet, through the fair regions of the east. Already was the country in an uproar with hostile preparation, and they were obliged to take a large circuit in their flight, lurking along, through the woody mountains of the Devil's Back-bone; from whence the valiant Peter sallied forth one clay, like a lion, and put to rout a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three genera- tions of a prolific family, who were already on their way to take possession of some corner of the New Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Anthony had great difficulty, at sundry times, to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from descending down from the moun- tains, and falling sword in hand upon certain of the border-towns, who were marshalling forth their drag- gle-tailed militia. The first movement of the governor, on reaching his dwelling, was to mount the roof, from whence he contemplated, with ru.eful aspect, the hostile squadron. This had already come to an anchor in the bay, and consisted of two stout frigates, having on board, as 366 HISTORY OF John Josselyn, Gent, informs us, " three hundred valiant red-coats." Having taken this survey, he sat himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander, demanding his reason of anchoring in the harbour without obtaining previous permission so to do. This letter was couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, though I have it from undoubted authority that his teeth were clinched, and he had a bitter sar- donic grin upon his visage, all the while he wrote. Having despatched his letter, the grim Peter stamped to and fro about the town, with a most war-betoken- ing countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches pockets, and whistlinga Low Dutch Psalm tune, which bore no small resemblance to the music of a north- east wind, when a storm is brewing. The very dogs, as they eyed him, skulked away in dismay ; while all the old and ugly women of New Amsterdam ran howl- ing at his heels, imploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment! The reply of Colonel Nichols, who commanded the invaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with the letter of the governor; declaring the right and title of his British majesty to the province; where he affirmed the Dutch to be mere interlopers; and de- manding that the town,, forts, &c. should be forthwith rendered into his majesty's obedience and protection; promising, at the same time, life, liberty, estate, and free trade, to every Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his majesty's government. Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty farmer, who has long been fattening upon his neighbour's soil, reads the loving letter of John Stiles, that warns him of an action of ejectment. The old governor, however, was not to be taken by surprise ; but, thrusting the summons into his breeches pocket, NEW YORK. 367 he stalked three times across the room, took a pinch of snuff with great vehemence, and then, loftily waving his hand, promised to send an answer the next morn- ing. In the mean time he called a general council of war of his privy councillors and burgomasters, not for the purpose of asking their advice, for that, as has been already shown, he valued not a rush; but to make known unto them his sovereign determination, and require their prompt adherence. Before, however, he convened his council, he re- solved upon three important points: first, never to give up the city without a little hard fighting; for he deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity of so re- nowned a city, to suffer itself to be captured and stripped, without receiving a few kicks into the bargain. Secondly, that the majority of his grand council was composed of arrant poltroons, utterly destitute of true bottom; and, thirdly, that he would not, therefore, suffer them to see the summons of Colonel Nichols, lest the easy terms it held out might induce them to clamour for a surrender. His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had demolished the whole British empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out of their hiding-places, and then crawling cautiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and alleys; starting at every little dog that barked, as though it had been a discharge of artillery; mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers, and, in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms! Having, however, in despite of numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single man, at the hall of assembly, they took their seats and awaited in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few moments the wooden 368 HISTORY OF leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular and stout-hearted thumps upon the stair-case. He entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, and carrying his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his arm. As the governor never equip- ped himself in this portentous manner, unless some- thingof martial nature were working within his fearless pericranium, his council regarded him ruefully, as a very Janus, bearing fire and sword in his iron counte- nance, and forgot to light their pipes, in breathless suspense. The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valour- ous; indeed, these two rare qualities seemed to go hand in hand in his composition; and, unlike most great statesmen, whose victories are only confined to the bloodless field of argument, he was always ready to enforce his hardy words by no le?s hardy deeds. His speeches were generally marked by a simplicity ap- proaching to bluntness, and by truly categorical deci- sion. Addressing the grand council, he touched briefly upon the perils and hardships he had sustained, in es- caping from his crafty foes. He next reproached the council for wasting in idle debate and party feuds that time which should have been devoted to their country. He was particularly indignant at those brawh rs, who consciousof individual security had disgraced the coun- cils of the province, by impotent hectorings and scur- rilous invectives against a noble and a powerful enemy ; those cowardly curs who were incessant in their bark- ings and yelpings at the lion, while distant or asleep, but the moment he approached, were the first to skulk, away. He now called on those who had been so valiant in their threats against Great Britain, to stand forth and support their vauntings by their actions; for it was deeds, not words, that bespoke the spirit of a nation. He proceeded to recal the golden days of NEW YORK. _ 369 former prosperity, which were only to be gained by manfully withstanding their enemies; for the peace, he observed, which is effected by force of arms, is always more sure and durable than that which is patched up by temporary accommodations. He en- deavoured, moreover, to arouse their martial fire, by reminding them of the time, when, before the frown- ing walls of Fort Christina, he had led them on to victory. He strove likewise to awaken their con- fidence, by assuring them of the protection of St. Nicholas, who had hitherto maintained them in safety, amid all the savages of the wilderness, the witches and squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry- land. Finally, he informed them of the insolent summons he had received to surrender; but con- cluded by swearing to defend the province as long as Heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand upon. Which noble sentence he emphasised by a tremendous thwack with the .broad side of his sword upon the table, that totally electrified his auditors. The privy councillors, who had long been accus- tomed to the governor's way, and, in fact, had been brought into as perfect discipline as were ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, saw that there was no use in saying a word; so lighted their pipes and smoked away in silence, like fat and discreet coun- cillors. But the burgomasters, being less under the governor's control, considering themselves as repre- sentatives of the sovereign people, and being more- over inflated with considerable importance and self- sufficiency, which they had acquired at those notable schools of wisdom and morality, the popular meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when they found there was some chance of escaping from their present jeopardy, without the B B 370 HISTORY OF disagreeable alternative of fighting, they requested a copy of the summons to surrender, that they might show it to a general meeting of the people. So insolent arid mutinous a request would have been enough to have aroused the gorge of the tranquil Van Twiller himself; what, then, must have been its effect upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a governor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but withal a man of the most sto- machful and gunpowder disposition. He burst forth into a blaze of noble indignation, to which the famous rage of Achilles was a mere pouting-fit ; swore not a mother's son of them should see a syllable of it; that they deserved, every one of them, to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, for traitorously daring to ques- tion the infallibility of government; that, as to their advice or concurrence, he did not care a whiff of tobacco for either; that he had long been harassed and thwarted by their cowardly councils; but that they might thenceforth go home, and go to bed like old women, for he was determined to defend the colony himself, without the assistance of them or their ad- herents! So saying, he tucked his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and, girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the council-chamber, every body making room for him as he passed. No sooner had he gone than the busy burgomasters called a public meeting in front of the Stadt-house, where they appointed as chairman one Dofue Roer- back, a mighty gingerbread-baker in the land, and formerly of the cabinet of William the Testy. He was looked up to with great reverence by the popu- lace, who considered him a man of dark knowledge, seeing he was the first that imprinted new-year cakes with the mysterious hieroglyphics of the cock and breeches, and such like magical devices. NEW YORK. 371 This great burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill will against the valiant Stuyvesarit, in conse- quence of having been ignominiously kicked out of his cabinet at the time of his taking the reins of government, addressed the greasy multitude in what is called a patriotic speech; in which he informed them of the courteous summons to surrender; of the governor's refusal to comply therewith; of his deny- ing the public a sight of the summons, which, he had no doubt, contained conditions highly to the honour and advantage of the province. He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in high-sounding terms, suitable to the dignity and grandeur of his station; comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and those other great men of yore, who are generally quoted by popular orators on similar occa- sions. Assuring the people that the history of the world did not contain a despotic outrage to equal the present for atrocity, cruelty, tyranny, and blood- thirstiness ; that it would be recorded in letters of fire on the blood-stained tablet of history! that ages would roll back with sudden horror, when they came to view it! that the womb of Time (by the way, your orators and writers take strange liberties with the womb of Time, though some would fain have us believe that Time is an old gentleman) that the womb of Time, pregnant as it was with direful horrors, would never produce a parallel enormity! with a variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and figures, which I cannot enumerate. Neither, indeed, need I, for they were exactly the same that are used in all popular harangues and patriotic orations at the present day, and may be classed in rhetoric under the general title of RIGMAROLE. The speech of this inspired burgomaster being finished, the meeting fell into a kind of popular fer- B B 2 372 HISTORY OF mentation, which produced not only a string of right wise resolutions, but likewise a most resolute memo- rial, addressed to the governor, remonstrating at his conduct; which was no sooner handed to him, than he handed it into the fire ; and thus deprived posterity of an invaluable document, that might have served as a precedent to the enlightened cobblers and tailors of the present day, in their sage intermeddlings with politics. CHAPTER VII. Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter ; and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parliament. Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down a pannier-load of benedictions upon his burgo- masters, for a set of self-willed, obstinate, headstrong varlets, who would neither be convinced nor persuaded ; and determined thenceforth to have nothing more to do with them, but to consult merely the opinion of his privy councillors, which he knew 7 from experience to be the best in the world, inasmuch as it never differed from his own. Nor did he omit, now that his hand was in, to bestow some thousand left-handed compliments upon the sovereign people, whom he railed at for a herd of poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious hardships and illustrious misadven- tures of battle; but would rather stay at home, and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality and a broken head, by valiantly fighting in a ditch. Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his be- loved city, in despite even of itself, he called unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his right-hand NEW YORK. 373 man in all times of emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war-denouncing trumpet, and, mounting his horse, to beat up the country night and day; sounding the alarm along the pastoral borders of the Bronx; startling the wild solitudes of Croton; arous- ing the rugged yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboe- ken ; the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay ;* and the brave boys of Tarry Town and Sleepy Hollow; together with all the other warriors of the country round about; charging them one and all to sling their powder-horns, shoulder their fowling-pieces, and march merrily down to the Manhattoes. Now, there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex excepted, that Anthony Van Corlear loved better than errands of this kind. So, just stopping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to his side his junk-bottle, well charged with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued jollily from the city gate, that looked out upon what is at present called Broad- way; sounding, as usual, a farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through the winding streets of New Amsterdam. Alas ! never more were they to be gladdened by the melody of their favourite trumpeter! It was a dark and stormy night when the good Anthony arrived at the famous creek (sagely denomi- nated Haerlem River} which separates the island of Manna-hata from the main land. The wind was high, the elements were in an uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the adventurous sounder of brass across the water. For a short time he vapoured like an impatient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethink- ing himself of the urgency of his errand, took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most valorously that he would swim across, en spijt den * A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of In- dians which boasted 150 fighting men. See Ogilvie's History. 374 HISTORY OF duyvel (in spite of the devil!) and daringly plunged into the stream. Luckless Anthony! scarce had he buffeted half-way over, when he \vas observed to struggle violently, as if battling jvith the spirit of the waters; instinctively he put his trumpet to his mouth, and, giving a vehement blast, sunk for ever to the bottom! The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in the glorious field of Roncesvalles, rung far and wide through the country, alarming the neighbours round, who hurried in amazement to the spot. Here an old Dutch burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had been a witness of the fact, related to them the melancholy affair; with the fearful addition (to which I am slow of giving belief,) that he saw the duyvel in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, seize the sturdy Anthony by the leg, and drag him beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place, with the adjoining promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has been called Spijt den duyvel, or Spiking duyvel, ever since. The restless ghost of the unfortunate Anthony still haunts the surrounding solitudes, and his trumpet has often been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy night, mingling with the howling of the blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim over the creek after dark; on the contrary, a bridge has been built to guard against such melancholy accidents in future; and, as to moss- bonkers, they are held in such abhorrence that no true Dutchman will admit them to his table, Mho loves good fish, and hates the devil. Such was the end of Anthony Van Corlear a man deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly, like a true and jolly bachelor, until the day of his death; but though he was never married, yet did he leave behind some two or three dozen children, NEW YORK. 375 in different parts of the country ; fine, chubby, brawl- ing, flatulent little urchins, from whom, if legends speak true (and they are not apt to lie,) did descend the innumerable race of editors, who people and de- fend this country, and who are bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant alarm, and making them miserable. Would that they inherited the worth, as they do the wind, of their renowned progenitor! The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe imparted a severer pang to the bosom of Peter Stuy vesant than did even the invasion of his beloved Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to those sweet affections that grow close around the heart, and are nourished by its warmest current. As some lone pilgrim, wandering in trackless wastes, while the tempest whistles through his locks, and dreary night is gathering around, sees stretched, cold and lifeless, his faithful dog, the sole companion of his journeying, who had shared his soli- tary meal, and so often licked his hand in humble gratitude; so did the generous-hearted hero of the Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of his faith- ful Anthony. He had been the humble attendant of his footsteps ; he had cheered him in many a heavy hour, by his honest gaiety ; and had followed him, in loyalty and affection, through many a scene of dire- ful peril and mishap. He was gone for ever, and that too at a moment when every mongrel cur seemed skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyve- sant this was the moment to try thy fortitude; and this was the moment, when thou didst indeed shine forth Peter the Headstrong. The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the last stormy night, still all was dull and gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious yet fearful, to see what was going on in his 376 HISTORY OF favourite city. This was the eventful morning when the great Peter was to give his reply to the summons of the invaders. Already was he closeted with his privy council, sitting in grim state brooding over the fate of his favourite trumpeter, and anon boiling with indignation', as the insolence of his recreant burgo- masters flashed upon his mind. While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived in all haste from Win- throp, the subtle governor of Connecticut, counsel- ling him, in the most affectionate and disinterested manner, to surrender the province, and magnifying the dangers and calamities to which a refusal would subject him. What a moment was this to intrude of- ficious advice upon a man who never took advice in his whole life ! The fiery old governor strode up and down the chamber, with a vehemence that made the bosoms of his councillors to quake with awe, railing at his unlucky fate, that thus made him the constant butt of factious subjects and Jesuitical advisers. Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgo- masters, who were now completely on the watch, and had heard of the arrival of mysterious despatches, came marching in a resolute body into the room, with a legion of schepens and toad-eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. Thus to be broken in upon by what he esteemed a " rascal rabble," and that, too, at the very moment he was grinding under an irritation from abroad, was too much for the spleen of the choleric Peter. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces,* threw it in the face of the nearest burgomaster, broke his pipe over the head of the next, hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky schepen, who was just making a masterly retreat out at the door, and finally prorogued the whole meet- * Smith's History of N. Y. NEW YORK. 377 ing sine die, by kicking them down stairs with his wooden leg. As soon as the burgomasters could recover from the confusion into which their sudden exit had thrown them, and had taken a little time to breathe, they pro- tested against the conduct of the governor, which they did not hesitate to pronounce tyrannical, unconstitu- tional, highly indecent, and somewhat disrespectful. They then called a public meeting, where they read the protest ; and, addressing the assembly in a set speech, related at full length, and with appropriate colouring and exaggeration, the despotic and vindic- tive deportment of the governor: declaring that, for their own parts, they did not value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled by the timber toe of his excellency, but they felt for the dignity of the sove- reign people, thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed on the seats of honour of their represen- tatives. The latter part of the harangue had a violent effect upon the sensibility of the people, as it came home at once to that delicacy of feeling and jealous pride of character vested in all true mobs ; who, though they bear injuries without a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of their sovereign dig- nity ; and there is no knowing to what act of resent- ment they might have been provoked against the re- doubtable Peter, had not the greasy rogues. been somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old governor than they were of St. Nicholas, the English, or the d 1 himself. 378 HISTORY OF CHAPTER VIII. Hew Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New Amsterdam for several Days, by Dint of the Strength of his Head. THERE is something exceedingly sublime and me- lancholy in the spectacle which the present crisis of our history presents. An illustrious and venerable little city, the metropolis of an immense extent of uninhabited country, garrisoned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen, committeemen, burgomasters, schepens, and old women ; governed by a determined and strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud-bat- teries, palisadoes, and resolutions ; blockaded by sea, beleaguered by land, and threatened with direful de- solation from without, while its very vitals are torn with internal faction and commotion ! Never did his- toric pen record a page of more complicated distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the Israelites during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant par- ties were cutting each other's throats at the moment when the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword into the very sanctum sanctorum of the temple. Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as has been recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and thus delivered himself from a multitude of imperti- nent advisers, despatched a categorical reply to the commanders of the invading squadron; wherein he asserted the right and title of their High Mightinesses the lords states-general to the province of New Ne- therlands, and, trusting in the righteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation at defiance ! My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from these disastrous scenes, prevents me from giving the whole NEW YORK. 379 of this gallant letter, which concluded in these manly and affectionate terms : " As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what God (who is as just as merciful) shall lay upon us, all things being in his gracious disposal ; and we may as well be preserved by him with small forces as by a great army; which makes us to wish you all happiness and prosperity, and recommend you to his protection. My Lords, your thrice humble and affectionate servant and friend, " P. STUYVESANT." Thus, having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the brave Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols in his belt ; girded an immense powder-horn on his side; thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot; and, clapping his fierce little war-hat on the top of his head, paraded up and down in front of his house, determined to defend his beloved city to the last. While all these woful struggles and dissensions were prevailing in the unhappy city of New Amster- dam, and while its worthy, but ill-starred governor, was framing the above-quoted letter, the English commanders did not remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to foment the fears and clamours of the populace; and moreover circulated far and wide, through the. adjacent country, a proclamation, repeat- ing the terms they had already held out in their summons to surrender, and beguiling the simple Netherlanders with the most crafty and conciliating professions. They promised that every man who voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British Majesty should retain peaceable possession of his house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he should be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, 380 HISTORY OF wear as many breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on the spot; that he should on no account be compelled to learn the English lan- guage, or keep accounts in any other way than by casting them up on his fingers, and chalking them down upon the crown of his hat; as is still observed among the Dutch yeomanry at the present day. That every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other personal appendage; and that no man should be obliged to conform to any improvements, inventions, or any other modern innovations; but, on the con- trary, should be permitted to build his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, and educate his children, precisely as his ancestors did before him since time immemorial. Finally, that he should have all the benefits of free trade, and should not be required to acknowledge any other saint in the calen- dar than Saint Nicholas, who should thenceforward, as before, be considered the tutelar saint of the city. These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfactory to the people, who had a great disposition to enjoy their property unmolested, and a most singular aversion to engage in a contest where they could gain little more than honour and broken heads; the first of which they held in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter detestation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the English succeed in alienating the confidence and affections of the populace from their gallant old governor, whom they considered as obsti- nately bent upon running them into hideous misad- ventures; and did not hesitate to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily behind his back. Like as a mighty grampus, who, though assailed and buffeted by roaring waves and brawling surges, NEW YORK. 381 still keeps on an undeviating course, and, though overwhelmed by boisterous billows, still emerges from the troubled deep, spouting and blowing with tenfold violence, so did the inflexible Peter pursue, unwaver- ing, his determined career, and rise contemptuous above the clamours of the rabble. But when the British warriors found, by the tenor of his reply, that he set their power at defiance, they forthwith despatched recruiting officers to Jamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns on Long Island, which had been subdued of yore by the immortal Stoffel Brinkerhoff : stirring up the valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other illustrious squatters, to assail the city of New Amsterdam by land. In the meanwhile the hostile ships made awful preparation to commence an assault by water. The streets of New Amsterdam now presented a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did the gallant Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble in the public square or market-place. The whole party of Short Pipes in the course of a single night had changed into arrant old women a meta- morphosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies re- corded by Livy as having happened to Rome at the approach of Hannibal; when statues sweated in pure affright, goats were converted into sheep, and cocks, turned into hens, ran cackling about the streets. The harassed Peter, thus menaced from without and tormented from within baited by the burgo- masters and hooted at by the rabble chafed and growled and raged, like a furious bear tied to a stake and worried by a legion of scoundrel curs. Finding, however, that all further attempts to defend the city were vain, and hearing that an irruption of borderers and moss-troopers was ready to deluge him from the 382 HISTORY OF east, he was at length compelled, in spite of his proud heart, which swelled in his throat until it had nearly choked him, to consent to a treaty of surrender. Words cannot express the transports of the people, on receiving this agreeable intelligence: had they obtained a conquest over their enemies, they could not have indulged greater delight. The streets re- sounded with their congratulations ; they extolled their governor as the father and deliverer of his coun- try ; they crowded to his house to testify their grati- tude, and were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, than when he returned, with victory perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of Fort Chris- tina; but the indignant Peter shut his doors and windows, and took refuge in the innermost recesses of his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble rejoicings of the rabble. In consequence of this consent of the governor, a parley was demanded of the besieging forces, to treat of the terms of surrender. Accordingly a deputa- tion of six commissioners was appointed on both sides; and on the 7th August, 1664, a capitulation highly favourable to the province, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was agreed to by the enemy, who had conceived a high opinion of the valour of the men of the Manhattoes, and the magnanimity and unbounded discretion of their governor. One thing alone remained, which was, that the articles of surrender should be ratified, and signed by the governor. When the commissioners respectfully waited upon him for this purpose, they were received by the hardy old warrior with the most grim and bitter courtesy. His warlike accoutrements were laid aside, an old India night-gown was wrapped round his rugged limbs, a red night-cap overshadowed his frowning brow, and an iron-grey beard, of three days' NEW YORK. 383 growth, gave additional grimness to his visage. Thrice did he seize a little worn-out stump of a pen, and essay to sign the loathsome paper; thrice did he clinch his teeth, and make a most horrible counte- nance, as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing it from him, he seized his brass-hilted sword, and, jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd sooner die than yield to any power under heaven. In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy resolution; menaces, remonstrances, revilings, were exhausted to no purpose ; for two whole days was the house of the valiant Peter besieged by the clamorous rabble, and for two whole days did he betake himself to his arms, and persist in a magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation: thus, like another Horatius Codes, bearing the whole brunt of the war, and defending this modern Rome, with the prowess of his single arm! At length the populace, finding that boisterous measures did but incense more determined opposition, bethought themselves of an humble expedient, by which, haply, the governor's lofty ire might be soothed and his resolution undermined. And now a solemn and mournful procession, headed by the burgomasters and schepens, and followed by the populace, moves slowly to the governor's dwelling, bearing the capitu- lation. Here they found the stout old hero, drawn up like a giant into his castle, the doors strongly bar- ricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with his cocked hat on head, firmly posted with a blunderbuss at the garret window. There was something in this formidable position that struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. The brawling multitude could not but reflect, with self-abasement, upon their own pusillani- 384 HISTORY OF mous conduct, when they beheld their hardy but deserted old governor thus faithful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully prepared to defend his un- grateful city to the last. These compunctions, how- ever, were soon overwhelmed by the recurring tide of public apprehension. The populace arranged themselves before the house, taking off their hats with most respectful humility. Burgomaster Roerback, who was of that popular class of orators, described by old Sallust as being "talkative rather than eloquent," stepped forth and addressed the governor in a speech of three hours' length; detailing, in the most pathetic terms, the calamitous situation of the province, and urging him, in a constant repetition of the same argu- ments and words, to sign the capitulation. The mighty Peter eyed him from his little garret window in grim silence; now and then his eye would glance over the surrounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron visage: but though he was a man of most un- daunted mettle; though he had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that would have set adamant to scorn; yet, after all, he was a mere mortal. Wearied out by these repeated oppositions, and this eternal harangue- ing, and perceiving that unless he complied the in- habitants would follow their inclinations, or rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily ordered them to hand him up the paper. It was accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole; and, having scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he anathematized them all fora set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons ; threw the capitulation at their heads, slammed down the window, and was heard stumping down stairs with the most vehement indig- nation. The rabble incontinently took to their heels; even the burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue NEW YORK. 385 from his den, and greet them with some unwelcome testimonial of his displeasure. Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of British beef-fed warriors poured into New Amster- dam, taking possession of the fort and batteries. And now might be heard, from all quarters, the sound of hammers, made by the old Dutch burghers, who were busily employed nailing up their doors and windows, to protect their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, whom they contemplated in silent sullenness from, the garret windows, as they paraded through the streets. Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the commander of the British forces, enter into quiet possession of the conquered realm, as locum tenens for the Duke of York. The victory was attended with no other out- rage than that of changing the name of the province and its metropolis, which thenceforth were denomi- nated NEW YORK, and so have continued to be called unto the present day. The inhabitants, according to treaty, were allowed to maintain quiet possession of their property; but, so inveterately did they retain their abhorrence to the British nation, that in a private meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimously determined never to ask any of their conquerors to dinner. CHAPTER IX. Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal Surrender of Peter the Headstrong. THUS, then, have I concluded this great historical enterprise; but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet remains to be performed one pious duty. If, among the variety of readers that may peruse this book, there should haply be found any of those souls c c 386 HISTORY OF of true nobility which glow with celestial fire at the history of the generous and the brave, they will doubt- less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify such one sterling heart of gold, I would go more lengths than to instruct the cold-blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philo- sophers. No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the articles of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the humiliation of his favourite city, he turned his back on its walls, and made a growling retreat to his Bouwery, or country seat, which was situated about two miles off, where he passed the remainder of his days in patriarchal retirement. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind which he had never known amid the distracting cares of government, and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authority, which his factious subjects had so often dashed with the bitterness of opposition. No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city; on the contrary, he would always have his great arm-chair placed with its back to the windows which looked in that direction, until a thick grove of trees, planted by his own hand, grew up and formed a screen that effectually excluded it from the prospect. He railed continually at the degenerate innovations and improvements introduced by the conquerors; forbade a word of their detested language to be spoken in his family; a prohibition readily obeyed, since none of the household could speak any thing but Dutch; and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut down in front of his house, because it consisted of English cherry-trees. The same incessant vigilance that blazed forth when he had a vast province under his care, now showed itself with equal vigour, though in narrower limits. NEW YORK. 387 He patrolled with unceasing watchfulness around the boundaries of his little territory; repelled every en- croachment with intrepid promptness; punished every vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his farm-yard with inflexible severity; and conducted every stray hog or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the indi- gent neighbour, the friendless stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spacious door was ever open, and his capacious fire-place, that emblem of his own warm and generous heart, had always a corner to receive and cherish them. There was an exception to this, I must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant was an Englishman or a Yankee, to whom, though he might extend the hand of assistance, he could never be brought to yield the rites of hospitality. Nay, if per- ad venture some straggling merchant of the east should stop at his door, with his cart-load of tin-ware or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth like a giant from his castle, and make such a furious clattering among his pots and kettles, that the vender of "notions" was fain to betake himself to instant flight. His ancient suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush, were carefully hung up in the state bed- chamber, and regularly aired the first fair day of every month; and his cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim repose over the parlour mantle- piece, forming supporters to a full-length portrait of the renowned Admiral Von Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well- organized despotic government; but, though his own will was the supreme law, yet the good of his sub- jects was his constant object. He watched over not merely their immediate comforts, but their morals and their ultimate welfare, for he gave them abun- dance of excellent admonition ; nor could any of c c 2 338 HISTORY OF them complain that, when occasion required, he was by any means niggardly in bestowing wholesome correction. The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse among my fel- low-citizens, were faithfully observed in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. New-year was truly a day of open-handed liberality, of jocund revelry, and warm- hearted congratulation: when the bosom seemed to swell with genial good fellowship, and the plenteous table was attended with an unceremonious freedom, and honest broad-mouthed merriment, unknown in these days of degeneracy and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously observed throughout his dominions; nor was the day of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by without making presents, hanging the stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its other ceremonies. Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used to array himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his triumphal entry into New Amsterdam, after the conquest of New Sweden. This was always a kind of Saturnalia among the domestics, when they considered themselves at liberty, in some measure, to say and do what they pleased : for on this day their master was always observed to unbend, and become exceeding pleasant and jocose, sending the old grey-headed negroes on April fools' errands for pigeons' milk; not one of whom but allowed himself to be taken in, and humoured his old master's jokes as became a faithful and well-disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully on his own land; injuring no man; envying no man; molested by nooutward strifes; perplexed by no internal commotions; and the mighty monarchs of the earth, who were vainly seek- NEW YORK. 389 ing to maintain peace, and promote the welfare of mankind, by war and desolation, would have done well to have made a voyage to the little island of Manna-hata, and learned a lesson in government from the domestic economy of Peter Stuyvesant. In process of time, however, the old governor, like all other children of mortality, began to exhibit evident tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, which, though it long has braved the fury of the elements, and- still retains its gigantic proportions, yet begins to shake and groan with every blast, so the gallant Peter, though he still bore the port and semblance of what he was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his frame; but his heart, that most unconquerable citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. With matchless avidity would he listen to every article of intelligence con- cerning the battles between the English and the Dutch. Still would his pulse beat high whenever he. heard of the victories of De Ruyter; and his countenance lower, and his eye-brows knit, when fortune turned in favour of the English. At length, as-on a certain day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after dinner, in his arm chair, conquering the whole British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a fearful ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that put all his blood in a ferment.. But when he learned that these rejoicings were in honour of a great victory obtained by the combined English and French fleets over the brave De Ruyter and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much to his heart that he took to his bed, and in less than three days was brought to death's door, by a violent cholera morbus! But even in this extremity he still displayed the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong ; holding out, to the last gasp, with the most inflexible 390 HISTORY OF obstinacy, against a whole army of old women, who were bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels, after a true Dutch mode of defence, by inundating the seat of war with catnip and pennyroyal. While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of disso- lution, news was brought him that the brave Ruyter had suffered but little loss, had made good his retreat, and meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing eye of the old warrior kindled at the words; he partly raised himself in bed; a flash of martial fire beamed across his visage; he clinched his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe that sword which waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, and, giving a grim smile of exultation, sunk back upon his pillow, and expired. Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier, a loyal subject, an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman; who wanted only a few empires to deso- late, to have been immortalized as a hero! His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost grandeur and solemnity. The town was per- fectly emptied of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honours to their good old governor. All his sterling qualities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, while the memory of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. The ancient burghers contended who should have the privi- lege of bearing the pall; the populace strove who should walk nearest to the bier; and the melancholy procession was closed by a number of grey-headed negroes, who had wintered and summered in the household of their departed master, for the greater part of a century. With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude gathered round the grave. They dwelt with mourn- ful hearts on the sturdy virtues, the signal services, NEW YOIIK. 391 and the gallant exploits of the brave old worthy. They recalled, with secret upbraiding?, their own factious oppositions to his government; and many an ancient burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten, was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal down his cheek, while he muttered, with affec- tionate accent and melancholy shake of the head, " Well, den! Hard-koppig Peter ben gone at last." His remains were deposited in the family vault, under a chapel which he had piously erected on his estate, and dedicated to St. Nicholas, and which stood on the identical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's Church, where his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or Bouivery, as it was called, has ever con- tinued in the possession of his descendants; who, by the uniform integrity of their conduct, and their strict adherence to the customs and manners that prevailed in the "good old times," have proved themselves worthy of their illustrious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the farm been haunted at night by enterpris- ing money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold said to have been buried by the old governor; though I can- not learn that any of them have ever been enriched by their researches: and who is there, among my native-born fellow citizens, that does not remember when, in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he con- ceived it a great exploit to rob " Stuyvesant's orchard" on a holiday afternoon? At this stronghold of the family may still be seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full- length portrait frowns in martial terrors from the par- lour wall; his cocked hat and sword still hang up in the best bedroom. His brimstone-coloured breeches were for a long while suspended in the hall, until, some years since, they occasioned a dispute between a new 392 HISTORY OF married couple. And his silver-mounted wooden leg is still treasured up in the store-room, as an invaluable relic. CHAPTER X. The Author's Reflections upon what has been said. AMONG the numerous events, which are each in their turn the most direful and melancholy of all pos- ^sible occurrences, in your interesting and authentic history, there is none that occasions such deep and heart-rending grief, as the decline and fall of your renowned and mighty empires. Where is the reader who can contemplate without emotion, the disastrous events by which the great dynasties of the world have been extinguished? While wandering, in imagina- tion, among the gigantic ruins of states and empires, and marking the tremendous convulsions that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of the melancholy in- quirer swells with sympathy commensurate to the sur- rounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and powers, have each had their rise, their progress, arid their downfall; each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre; each has returned to his primeval nothing- ness: and thus did it fare with the empire of their High Mightinesses, at the Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter, the fretful reign of William the Testy, and the chivalric reign of Peter the Headstrong. Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of being pondered over attentively; for it is by thus raking among the ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge are found, and the lamp of wisdom illumined. Let, then, the reign of W T alter the Doubter warn against yielding to that sleek, con- KEW YORK. 393 tented security, that overweening fondness for comfort and repose, that are produced by a state of prosperity and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation, to de- stroy its pride of character, to render it patient of insult, deaf to the calls of honour and of justice, and cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty and con- sideration. Such supineness insures the very evil from which it shrinks. One right yielded up pro- duces the usurpation of a second; one encroachment passively suffered makes way for another ; and the nation that thus, through a doating love of peace, has sacrificed honour and interest, will at length have to fight for existence. Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as a salutary warning against that fitful feverish mode of legislation, that acts without system; depends on shifts and projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates and wavers, and at length decides with the rashness of ignorance and imbecility. That stoops forpopularity by courting the prejudices, and flattering the arrogance^ rather than commanding the respect of the rabble. That seeks safety in a multitude of coun- sellors, and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and opinions. That mistakes procrastination for deliberate wariness ; hurry for decision; starveling parsimony for wholesome economy; bustle for busi- ness; and vapouring for valour. That is violent in council, sanguine in expectation, precipitate in action, and feeble in execution. That undertakes enterprises without forethought, enters upon them without prepa- ration, conducts them without energy, and ends them in confusion and defeat. Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects of vigour and decision, even when destitute of cool judgment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let 894 HISTORY OF it show how frankness, probity, and high-souled courage will command respect and secure honour, even where success is unattainable. But, at the same time, let it caution against a too ready reliance on the good faith of others, and a too honest confidence in the loving professions of powerful neighbours, who are most friendly when they most mean to betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the opinions and wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, must be soothed and led, or apprehension will overpower the deference to authority. Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects, their intemperate harangues, their violent "resolu- tions," their hectorings against an absent enemy, and their pusillanimity on his approach, teach us to distrust and despise these clamorous patriots, whose courage dwells but in the tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of speech, destitute of real force, which too often breaks forth in popular bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather than the spirit of a nation. Let them caution us against vaunting too much of our own power and prowess, and reviling a noble enemy. True gallantry of soul would always lead us to treat a foe with courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary conduct but takes from the merit of victory, and renders defeat doubly disgraceful. But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent example to be drawn from the ancient chronicles of the Manhattoes. He who reads attentively will dis- cover the threads of gold, which run throughout the web of history, and are invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But before I conclude, let me point out a solemn warning, furnished in the subtle chain of events by which the capture of Fort Casimir has produced the present convulsions of our globe. Attend, then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction, NEW YORK. 395 which, if thou art a king, an emperor, or other power- ful potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy heart: though little expectation have I that my work will fall into such hands; for well I know the care of crafty ministers, to keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs, lest, peradventure, they should read them and learn wisdom. By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir, then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but drew upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuy- vesant, who wrested all New Sweden from their hands. By the conquest of New Sweden, Peter Stuy- vesant aroused the claims of Lord Baltimore; who appealed to the cabinet of Great Britain; who sub- dued the whole province of New Netherlands. By this great achievement the whole extent of North America, from Nova Scotia to the Floridas, was rendered one entire dependency upon the British crown; but mark the consequence. The hitherto scattered colonies being thus consolidated, and having no rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great and powerful ; and, finally, -becoming too strong for the mother country, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and, by a glorious revolution, became an inde- pendent empire. But the chain of effects stopped not here; the successful revolution in America produced the sanguinary revolution in France, which produced the puissant Buonaparte, who produced the French despotism, which has thrown the whole world in con- fusion ! Thus have these great powers been suc- cessively punished for their ill-starred conquests; and thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions, revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind, originated in the capture of the little Fort Casimir, as recorded in this eventful history. 396 HISTORY OF And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell, which, alas! must be for ever willingly would I part in cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind- hearted remembrance. That I have not written a better history of the days of the patriarchs is not my fault; had any other person written one as good, I should not have attempted it at all; that many will hereafter spring up and surpass me in excellence, I have very little doubt, and still less care; well know- ing, that when the great Christovallo Colon (who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood his egg upon its end, every one at table could stand his up a thousand times more dexterously. Should any reader find matter of offence in this histoiy, I should heartily grieve; though I would on no account question his penetration, by telling him he is mistaken; his good nature, by telling him he is captious; or his pure conscience, by telling him he is startled at a shadow. Surely, if he is so- ingenious in finding offence where none is intended, it were a thousand pities he should not be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my fellow-citizens, to think of yielding them any in- struction, and I covet too much their good-will, to forfeit it by giving them good advice. I am none of those cynics who despise the world, because it de- spises them; on the contrary, though but low in its regard, I look up to it with the most perfect good nature; and my only sorrow is, that it does not prove itself more worthy of the unbounded love I bear it. If, however, in this my historic production the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life I have failed to gratify the dainty palate of the age, I can only - lament my misfortune; for it is too late in the season for me even to hope to repair it. Already has wither- ing age showered his sterile snows upon my brow ; in NEW YORK. 397 a little while, and this genial warmth, which still lingers around my heart, and throbs worthy reader throbs kindly towards thyself, will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail compound of dust, which, while alive, may have given birth to nought but unprofitable weeds, may form an humble sod of the valley, from whence may spring many a sweet wild-flower, to adorn my beloved island of Manna-hata! THE END. Balne Brothers, Printers, Gracechurch Street, London. I POPULAR WORKS FOR YOUTH, PUBLISHED BY THOMAS TEGG, 73, CHEAPSIDE; And may be had by Order, of all other Booksellers. I. 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