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 Father Tom and the Pope.
 
 the 
 
 OR 
 
 A NIGHT IN THE VATICAN 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 A. SIMPSON & CO., 
 
 1867.
 
 AGATHYNIAN PRESS, 60 DUANE STREET, N. Y.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 T 
 
 _I_ HERE are several questions which at this 
 present time remain unsettled. One of them is, 
 " who invented gunpowder?" Another is, which 
 of them was it, Faust or Guttemberg, " that in- 
 vented printing?" Another is, " whether the Deity 
 created nature, or nature created itself?" That 
 is a poser. Another is tc whether the original egg 
 was the parent of the chicken^ or the egg was the
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 original ancestor of that celebrated feathered fowl?" 
 <{ De novum ovum," says Xinctillios, " inseperatum 
 primer o, cum possibilitas, et credent ia y in meo judicio, 
 (juam supra calcis phospas, qui est, in the bones of the 
 chicken." In other words, and to make it plain 
 to the reader, he, Xinctillios, cannot understand 
 how it is possible for human comprehension to 
 see a new laid egg, without permitting in his judg- 
 ment the idea of phosphate of lime existing in the 
 osseous structure of the bones of the original 
 hen. St. Bardolphus entertains a contrary opinion, 
 "Anam, aname y mona mike" says he, "Barcelona bona 
 strike^ says he, " harum scarum, wy frone whack /" 
 (I give you the original Coptic) " Harrico barrico, 
 we won frac I" 
 
 Between these two contending opinions I have 
 nothing to say. The dogmas of the Roman Catho-
 
 PREFACE. Vll 
 
 lie Church, and the folatreries of the philosophers 
 of the high school of nature, differ so widely, that 
 it is impossible for common sense to adopt either 
 the one or the other and the Greek Church on 
 these points has given no decided opinion ! 
 
 Such a dilemma presents itself when we come to 
 consider the contents of this volume. Who wrote 
 it? Some say, Lord Brougham; and some attri- 
 bute it to the Duke of Wellington, who under- 
 stood the Irish vernacular to a dot. I have a 
 shrewd suspicion that Maginn, a high tory, al- 
 though a good Roman Catholic, and one of the 
 prominent contributors to Blackwood, lent his 
 helping hand to it, if he were not the real author 
 of it all ? " Howandiver," to use a phrase of the 
 author, let us look into the history of it. 
 
 Father Tom Maguire, a prominent Roman
 
 Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 Catholic priest in Killeshandra, Ireland, of the 
 parish of Innismagrath, was one of the most cele- 
 brated men of his time. He was a splendid orator, 
 trained at Maynooth ; he was a high liver every- 
 thing consisting of meat and drink on his table 
 was of the best ; his wines were excellent, and he 
 kept the best stable and the finest greyhounds in 
 Ireland. He was a bold fox-hunter; rode over 
 ditch, hedge and five-barred gate, and when his 
 good Bishop interdicted these sports of the Irish 
 clergy, says he, " I will give up my hunting," says 
 he; "but if I must give up my greyhounds, there 
 is a little Protestant parish church hard by waiting 
 for me." AVhether this threat had the desired 
 effect is not known. It is said that he abjured his 
 church and died a heretic. How much of this we 
 can believe depends altogether upon the amount
 
 PREFACE. IX 
 
 of our credulity. It may be true, and, alas! it may 
 not ! Father Tom, as the great Roman Catho- 
 lic controversialist, was challenged to decide by 
 argument, the superiority of the Romish Church 
 over that of the Established Church of England, 
 by the Rev. Richard T. P. Pope, a clergyman of 
 the latter persuasion. The controversy took place 
 in the Rotunda, at Dublin, about forty years ago.* 
 Crowds of spectators assembled to witness the 
 religious contest. Of course the ladies, who always 
 take a great interest in religious disputations, were 
 present in great numbers. The beauty and the 
 fashion, the graceful, the wise and the witty of 
 Dublin assembled to hear these knotty points dis- 
 cussed. The Rev. Mr. Pope, who was a very 
 
 * In 1827.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 learned scholar, but unfortunately a timid man, 
 based his great argument upon the Bible itself. 
 So long as he stood upon this ground his argu- 
 ments were unassailable. But Father Tom, by one 
 of those dexterous twists so well known in polem- 
 ics, managed to get Pope to shift his ground from 
 the Bible to the Fathers. The dispute, which had 
 occupied several days, up to this time had been in 
 favor of Pope, but when Father Maguire got 
 him entangled in the Fathers, and hurled at him 
 quotation after quotation from St. Austin, St. 
 Chrysostom, and others poor Pope, who knew 
 very little of the Fathers, became so dumb-found- 
 erd that he was incapable of making a reply, and 
 the victory rested with Father Tom. But after the 
 controversy was over the Rev. Mr. Pope took up 
 the Fathers, and to his surprise could not find any
 
 PREFACE. XI 
 
 of the quotations that Father T'om had cited ! Like a 
 true scholar, he published a book, exposing the falla- 
 cies of his antagonist. But the time had gone by. 
 Few people cared to read it, fewer still had patience 
 to wade through laborious denials of the smart 
 sayings of Father Tom in the Rotunda ; the 
 sparkle was off the champagne had ceased to 
 effervesce and Mr. Pope never recovered the 
 ground he had lost. 
 
 Some years elapsed, and the Rev. Tresham D. 
 Gregg, of the Established Church, took up the 
 polemical cudgels to demolish the redoubtable 
 champion of the Romish Church. He was just 
 such a man as his antagonist, vehement, loud 
 voiced of the ad captandum, knock-down-and- 
 drag-out school. Although not acknowledged by 
 the Church of England as the Goliath of its faith,
 
 Xll PREFACE. 
 
 yet there is no doubt of the secret exultation of its 
 clergy at his success. The challenge was accepted, 
 and for a fortnight the Rotunda of Dublin rang 
 with the verbal blows of these doughty combat- 
 ants. Victory poised her scales, the contest hung 
 in the balance. At last, one afternoon, after the 
 battle of the day was over, Gregg raised his mighty 
 arm high in the air, and said " that on the next 
 day, the secrets of the confessional would be the 
 subject of the discourse, and warned the ladies, 
 f( that no modest woman would appear, or could 
 appear, while he revealed the secrets of that power- 
 ful instrument of the Romish Church." 
 
 The consequences may be imagined. The hall 
 was packed to overflowing by the gentler sex. 
 Ladies of the Catholic persuasion, conscious of 
 the inability of the orator to make his words good,
 
 PREFACE. Xlll 
 
 flocked to hear his discomfiture. Those of the 
 other persuasion were induced to come from a 
 laudable curiosity. The argument, if argument it 
 might be called, consisted on Gregg's part of that 
 style which Poe has properly denominated "the 
 awkward left arm of satire invective" He had 
 caught Father Tom at single stick and paid him 
 off in his own way. There was of course no little 
 allusion to indelicate matters. After the argument 
 the Rev. Mr. Gregg had to be escorted to his 
 lodgings by a troop of dragoons. But at the close 
 of the debate he announced, that on the morrow 
 the subject would be continued. But on the fol- 
 lowing day Father Tom did not appear. The 
 victorious Gregg was cock of the walk ; the judg- 
 ment went by default. 
 
 Whether any one among the speakers or listen-
 
 XIV PREFACE. 
 
 ers became better Christians after the controversy, 
 is a question. It is doubtful whether Gregg or 
 Father Tom made or lost a single convert to 
 either faith. 
 
 "FATHER TOM AND THE POPE" first saw the 
 light in Blackwood, ten years after these controver- 
 sies. It may have been written by Maginn, 
 who was a good Catholic, but it may truly be 
 said of him, that although he " loved the Church 
 much, he loved fun more." As a work of mere 
 wit it must take its place with some of the 
 brightest efforts of Rabelais, of Montaigne, or of 
 Pascal. 
 
 The ingenuity with which the conversation be- 
 tween the Pope and Father Tom is developed to 
 the reader, forms no little part of its felicitousness. 
 A hedge priest, one Michael Heffernan, of the
 
 PREFACE. XV 
 
 National School of Ballymacktaggart, is the inter- 
 locutor. This keeper of a ragged school, under 
 the shadow of an Irish hedge, is the exponent 
 of theological controversies that have shaken the 
 world ! Happy satire ! which like summer light- 
 ning, clears up the atmosphere, and makes even 
 the skies bright, blue, beautiful and buoyant. To 
 us ! poor mortals ! to whom a touch of nature 
 shakes the laughter out of us, or brings the 
 tears into our eyes, such books are the treasures 
 of our language. 
 
 If out of the sorrow and misery of this world, 
 wit has managed to alleviate one shade of 
 human suffering ; if it has lifted up its hand 
 against tyranny ; if it has sometimes by the pen 
 of Cervantes lessened the ridiculous power of a 
 so-called chivalry ; or in the satires of Swift,
 
 XVI 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 destroyed the prestige of hereditary birth ; if it 
 has done any good in this world, let so much 
 good be accounted to it.
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM WENT TO TAKE POT-LUCK AT 
 THE VATICAN. 
 
 WHEN his Riv'rence was in Room, ov coorse 
 the Pope axed him to take pot look wid him. 
 More be token, it was on a Friday; but, for all 
 that, there was plenty of mate ; for the Pope gev 
 himself an absolution from the fast on account ov 
 the great company that was in it at laste so I'm 
 tould. Howandiver, there's no fast on the dhrink, 
 anyhow glory be to God ! and so, as they wor 
 sitting, afther dinner, taking their sup together, 
 says the Pope, says he, "Thomaus" for the 
 Pope, you know, spakes that away, all as one as 
 one ov uz " Thomaus a lanna" says he, " I'm 
 tould you welt them English heretics out ov the 
 face." 
 
 "You may say that," says his Riv'rence to him 
 
 2
 
 J O FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 again. " Be my sowl," says he, "if I put your 
 Holiness undher the table, you won't be the first 
 Pope I floored." 
 
 Well, his Holiness laughed like to split; for, 
 you know, Pope was the great Prodesan that 
 Father Tom put down upon Purgathory ; and 
 ov coorse they knew all the ins and outs ov the 
 conthravarsy at Room. " Faix, Thomaus," says 
 he, smiling across the table at him mighty agree- 
 able " it's no lie what they tell me, that yourself 
 is the pleasant man over the dhrop ov good 
 liquor." 
 
 "Would you like to thry ?" says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " Sure, and am n't I thrying all I can ?" says 
 the Pope. " Sorra betther bottle ov wine's be- 
 tuxt this and Salamancha, nor's there fornenst 
 you on the table ; its raal Lachrymalchrystal, 
 every spudh ov it." 
 
 " It's mortial could," says Father Tom. 
 
 "Well, man alive," says the Pope, "sure and 
 here's the best ov good claret in the cut de- 
 can ther." 
 
 "Not maning to make little ov the claret, your 
 Holiness," says his Riv'rence, " I would prefir
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. I I 
 
 some hot wather and sugar, wid a glass of spirits 
 through it, if convanient." 
 
 " Hand me over the bottle ov brandy," says 
 the Pope to his head butler, " and fetch up the 
 materi'ls," says he. 
 
 "Ah, then, your Holiness," says his Riv'rence, 
 mighty eager, " maybe you'd have a dhrop ov the 
 native in your cellar? Sure it's all one throuble," 
 says he, " and, troth, I dunna how it is, but 
 brandy always plays the puck wid my inthrails." 
 
 "'Pon my conscience, then," says the Pope, 
 "it's very sorry I am, Misther Maguire," says 
 he, " that it isn't in my power to plase you ; for 
 I'm sure and certaint that there's not as much 
 whisky in Room this blessed minit as 'ud blind 
 the eye ov a midge." 
 
 "Well, in troth, your Holiness," says Father 
 Tom, " I knewn there was no use in axing ; 
 only," says he, " I didn't know how else to ex- 
 queeze the liberty I tuck," says he, " ov bringing 
 a small taste," says he, " ov the raal stuff," says 
 he, hauling out an imperi'l quart bottle out ov his 
 coat-pocket ; " that never seen the face ov a 
 gauger," says he, setting it down on the table
 
 12 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 fornenst the Pope: "and if you'll jist thry the 
 full ov a thimble ov it, and if it doesn't rise the 
 cockles ov your Holiness's heart, why, then, my 
 name," says he, "isn't Tom Maguire !" and wid 
 that he outs wid the cork. 
 
 Well, the Pope at first was going to get vexed 
 at Father Tom for fetching dhrink thataway in 
 his pocket, as if there wasn't lashins in the house: 
 so says he, " Misther Maguire," says he, " I'd 
 have you to comprehind the differ betuxt an 
 invitation to dinner from the succissor ov Saint 
 Pether, and from a common mayur or a Prodesan 
 squireen that maybe hasn't liquor enough in his 
 cupboard to wet more nor his own heretical 
 whistle. That may be the way wid them that 
 you visit in Leithrim," says he, " and in Ros- 
 common ; and I'd let you know the differ in the 
 prisint case," says he, " only that you're a cham- 
 pion of the Church and entitled to laniency. So," 
 says he, " as the liquor's come, let it stay. And 
 in troth I'm curis myself," says he, getting mighty 
 soft when he found the delightful smell ov the 
 putteen, "in invistigating the composition ov dis- 
 tilled liquors ; it's a branch of natural philos-
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 1 3 
 
 ophy," says he, taking up the bottle and putting 
 it to his blessed nose. Ah ! my dear, the very 
 first snuff he got ov it, he cried out, the dear 
 man : " Blessed Vargin, but it has the divine 
 smell !" and crossed himself and the bottle half-a- 
 dozen times running. 
 
 " Well, sure enough, it's the blessed liquor 
 now," says his Riv'rence, "and so there can be no 
 harm any way in mixing a dandy ov punch ; and," 
 says he, stirring up the materi'ls with his goolden 
 muddler for everything at the Pope's table, to 
 the very schrew for drawing the corks, was ov 
 vergin goold " if I might make bould," says he, 
 "to spake on so deep a subjic afore your Holi- 
 ness, I think it 'ud considherably facilitate the 
 invistigation ov its chemisthry and phwarmaceutics, 
 if you'd jist thry the laste sup in life ov it in- 
 wardly." 
 
 " Well, then, suppose I do make the same 
 expiriment," says the Pope, in a much more con- 
 discinding way nor you'd have expected and 
 wid that he mixes himself a real stiff facer. 
 
 " Now, your Holiness," says Father Tom, 
 " this bein' the first time you ever dispinsed them
 
 14 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 chymicals," says he, " I'll just make bould to lay 
 down one rule of orthography," says he, " for 
 conwhounding them, secundem mortem" 
 
 " What's that ?" says the Pope. 
 
 " Put in the sperits first," says his Riv'rence ; 
 "and then put in the sugar; and remember, 
 every dhrop ov wather you put in after that 
 spoils the punch." 
 
 "Glory be to God !" says the Pope, not mind- 
 ing a word Father Tom was saying. " Glory be 
 to God !" says he, smacking his lips. " I never 
 knewn what dhrink was afore," says he. "It 
 bates the Lachrymalchrystal out of the face!" 
 says he "it's Necthar itself, it is, so it is !" says 
 he, wiping his epistolical mouth wid the cuff ov 
 his coat. 
 
 "'Pon my secret honor," says his Riv'rence, 
 " I'm raally glad to see your Holiness set so 
 much to your satisfaction ; especially," says he, 
 " as, for fear ov accidents, I tuck the liberty ov 
 fetching the fellow ov that small vesshel," says 
 he, " in my other coat pocket. So divil a fear 
 ov our running dhry till the but-end ov the even- 
 ing, anyhow," says he.
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 15 
 
 " Dhraw your stool in to the fire, Misther 
 Maguire," says the Pope, " for faix," says he, 
 " I'm bent on analysing the metaphwysics ov this 
 phinomenon. Come, man alive, clear off," says 
 he, "you're not dhrinking at all." 
 
 "Is it dhrink?" says his Riv'rence; "by Gorra, 
 your Holiness," says he, " I'd dhrink wid you 
 till the cows 'ud be coming home in the morning." 
 
 So wid that they tackled to, to the second fugee 
 a piece, and fell into larned discourse. But it's 
 time for me now to be off to the lecthir at the 
 Boord. Oh my sorra light upon ye, Docther 
 Whately, wid your pilitical econimy and your 
 hydherastatics ! What the dioul use has a poor 
 hedge-master like me wid such deep laming as is 
 
 j 
 
 only fit for the likes of them two that I left over 
 their second tumbler ? Howandiver, wishing I 
 was like them, in regard ov the sup of dhrink, 
 anyhow, I must break off my norration for the 
 prisint; but when I see you again, I'll tell you 
 how Father Tom made a hare ov the Pope that 
 evening, both in theology and the cube root.
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM SACKED HIS HOLINESS IN 
 THEOLOGY AND LOGIC. 
 
 W ELL, the lecthir's over, and I'm kilt out and 
 out. My bitther curse upon the man that in- 
 vinted the same Boord ! I thought ons't I'd 
 fadomed the say ov throuble ; and that was when 
 I got through fractions at Ould Mat Kavanagh's 
 school, in Firdramore God be good to poor 
 Mat's sowl, though he did deny the cause the day 
 he suffered ! but it's fluxions itself we're set to 
 bottom now, sink or shwim ! May I never die 
 if my head isn't as throughother as anything wid 
 their ordinals and cardinals and, begob, its all 
 nothing to the econimy lecthir that I have got to 
 go to at two o'clock. Howandiver, I mustn't 
 forget that we left his Riv'rence and his Holiness 
 
 D 
 
 sitting fornenst one another in the parlor ov the 
 Vatican, jist afther mixing their second tumbler.
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. I 7 
 
 When they had got well down into the same, 
 they fell, as I was telling you, into larned dis- 
 course. For, you see, the Pope was curious to 
 find out whether Father Tom was the great theo- 
 Joginall that people said; and says he, " Misther 
 Maguire," says he, "what answer do you make to 
 the heretics when they quote them passidges agin 
 thransubstantiation out ov the Fathers ?" says he. 
 
 " Why," says his Riv'rence, " as there should 
 be no sich passidges I make myself mighty aisy 
 about them ; but if you want to know how I dis- 
 pose ov them," says he, "just repate one ov 
 them," says he, "and I'll show you how to 
 catapomphericate it in two shakes." 
 
 "Why, then," says the Pope, "myself disre- 
 mimbers the particlar passidges they alledge out 
 of them old felleys," says he, " though sure 
 enough they're more numerous nor edifying so 
 we'll jist suppose that a heretic was to find sich a 
 saying as this in Austin, c Every sinsible man 
 knows that thransubstantiation is a lie ' or this 
 out of Tertullian or Plutarch, c the Bishop ov 
 Room is a common imposther,' now tell me, 
 could you answer him ?" 
 3
 
 I 8 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 " As easy as kiss," says his Riv'rence. "In 
 the first, we're to understand that the exprission, 
 1 Every sinsible man,' signifies simply, ' Every 
 man that judges by his nath'ral sinses;' and we 
 all know that nobody folleying them seven delud- 
 hers could ever find out the mysthery that's in it, 
 if somebody didn't come in to his assistance wid 
 an eighth sinse, which is the only sinse to be de- 
 pended on, being the sinse ov the Church. So 
 that, regarding the first quotation which your 
 Holiness has supposed, it makes clane for us, and 
 tee-totally agin the heretics." 
 
 " That's the explanation sure enough," says 
 his Holiness ; " and now what div you say to my 
 being a common imposther ?" 
 
 " Faix, I think," says his Riv'rence, "wid all 
 submission to the better judgment ov the learned 
 father that your Holiness has quoted, he'd have 
 been a thrifle nearer the truth, if he had said that 
 the Bishop ov Room is the grand imposther and 
 top-sawyer in that line over us all." 
 
 " What do you mane ?" says the Pope, getting 
 quite red in the face. 
 
 " What would I mane," says his Riv'rence, as
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 19 
 
 composed as a docther ov physic, " but that your 
 Holiness is at the head ov all them troth I had 
 a'most forgot I wasn't a bishop myself," says he, 
 (the deludher was going to say, as the head ov all 
 us] "that has the gift ov laying on hands. For 
 sure," says he, " imposther and imposithir is all 
 one, so you're only to undherstand manuum^ and 
 the job is done. Awouich !" says he, "if any 
 heretic 'ud go for to cast up sich a passidge as that 
 agin me, I'd soon give him a lesson in the p'lite 
 art ov cutting a stick to welt his own back wid." 
 
 "'Pon my epostolical word," says the Pope, 
 " you've cleared up them two pints in a most 
 satisfactory manner." 
 
 "You see," says his Riv'rence by this time 
 they wor mixing their third tumbler--" the writ- 
 ings ov them Fathers is to be thrated wid great 
 veneration ; and it 'ud be the height of presump- 
 tion in any one to sit down to interpret them 
 widout providing himself wid a genteel assortment 
 ov the best figures ov rhetoric, sich as mettonymy, 
 hyperbol, cattychraysis, prolipsis, mettylipsis, su- 
 perbaton, pollysyndreton, hustheronprotheron, 
 prosodypeia and the like, in ordher that he may
 
 2O FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 never be at a loss for shuitable sintiments when 
 he comes to their high-flown passidges. For 
 unless we thrate them Fathers liberally to a hand- 
 some allowance ov thropes and figures, they'd set 
 up heresy at ons't, so they would." 
 
 " It's thrue for you," says the Pope ; " the 
 figures ov spache is the pillars ov the Church." 
 
 " Bedad," says his Riv'rence, " I dunna what 
 we'd do widout them at all." 
 
 "Which one do you prefir?"says the Pope; 
 " that is," says he, <c which figure ov spache do 
 you find most usefullest when you're hard set ?" 
 
 " Metaphour's very good," says his Riv'rence, 
 "andso's mettonymy and I've known prosodypeia 
 stand to me at a pinch mighty well but for a con- 
 stancy, superbaton's the figure for my money. 
 Divil be in me," says he, " but I'd prove black 
 white as fast as a horse 'ud throt wid only a good 
 stock ov superbaton." 
 
 " Faix," says the Pope, wid a sly look, "you'd 
 need to have it backed, I judge, wid a small taste 
 ov assurance." 
 
 "Well now, jist for that word," says his Riv'- 
 rence, " I'll prove it widout aither one or other.
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 21 
 
 Black," says he, " is one thing and white is an- 
 other thing. You don't conthravene that ? But 
 every thing is aither one thing or another thing; 
 I defy the apostle Paul to get over that dilemma. 
 Well ! If any thing be one thing, well and good; 
 but if it be another thing, then it's plain it isn't 
 both things, and so can't be two things nobody 
 can deny that. But what can't be two things 
 must be one thing Ergo, whether it's one thing 
 or another thing it's all one. But black is one 
 thing and white is another thing Ergo, black 
 and white is all one. htod erat demonsthrandum" 
 
 "Stop a bit," says the Pope, "I can't althe- 
 gither give in to your second minor no your 
 second major," says he, and he stopped. " Faix, 
 then," says he, getting confused, "I don't rightly 
 renumber where it was exactly that I thought I 
 seen the flaw in your premises. Howsomdiver," 
 says he, CC I don't deny that it's a good conclusion, 
 and one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the 
 Church if it was dhrawn wid a little more distinct- 
 iveness." 
 
 <c I'll make it as plain as the nose on your 
 Holiness's face, by superbaton," says his Riv'-
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 rence. " My adversary says black is not another 
 color, that is, white ! Now, that's jist a parallel 
 passidge wid the one out ov Tartullian that me 
 and Hayes smashed the heretics on in Clarendon 
 sthreet, ' This is my body that is, the figure ov 
 my body.' That's a superbaton, and we showed 
 that it oughtn't to be read that way at all, but 
 this way, ( This figure ov my body is my body.' 
 Jist so wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't 
 be undherstood the way it reads, by no manner ov 
 manes ; but it's to be taken this way f Black 
 that is, white, is not another color ' green, if you 
 like, or orange, by dad, for anything I care, for 
 my case is proved. ' Black,' that is, ' white,' lave 
 out the * that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have the 
 orthodox conclusion, ' Black is white,' or by con- 
 varsion, 'White is black." 
 
 " It's as clear as mud," says the Pope. 
 
 " Begad," says his Riv'rence, " I'm in great 
 humor for disputin' to-night. I wisht your Holi- 
 ness was a heretic jist for two minutes," says he, 
 "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you !" 
 
 ''Well, then, for the fun o' the thing, suppose 
 me my namesake, if you like," says the Pope,
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 2J 
 
 laughing, " though, by Jayminy," says he, " he's 
 not one that I take much pride out ov." 
 
 " Very good divil a betther joke ever I had," 
 says his Riv'rence. "Come, then, Misther Pope," 
 says he, " hould up that purty face ov yours, and 
 answer me this question. Which 'ud be the big- 
 gest lie, if I said I seen a turkey-cock lying on 
 the broad ov his back, and picking the stars out 
 ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gand- 
 her in the same interestin' posture, raycreating 
 himself wid similar asthronomical expiriments ? 
 Answer me that, you ould swaddler ?" says he. 
 
 " How durst you call me a swaddler, sir," says 
 the Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part that 
 he was acting. 
 
 c< Don't think for to bully me!" says his Riv'- 
 rence, " I always daar to spake the truth, and it's 
 well known that you're nothing but a swaddling 
 ould sinner of a saint," says he, never letting on 
 to persave that his Holiness had forgot what they 
 were agreed on. 
 
 " By all that's good," says the Pope, " I often 
 hard ov the imperance ov you Irish afore," says 
 he, " but I never expected to be called a saint in
 
 24 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 my own house either by Irishman or Hottentot. 
 I'll till you what, Misther Maguire," says he, " if 
 you can't keep a civil tongue in your head, you 
 had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg 
 lave to give you to undherstand, that it won't be 
 for the good ov your health if you call me by sich 
 an outprobrious epithet again," says he. 
 
 " Oh, indeed ! then things is come to a purty 
 pass," says his Riv'rence (the dear funny soul 
 that he ever was !) "when the likes of you com- 
 pares one of the Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild 
 Ingine ! Why, man alive, the Maguires was 
 kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore 
 your grandfather, that was the first of your breed 
 that ever wore shoes and stockings" (I'm bound to 
 say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that this was 
 all spoken by his Riv'rence by way ov a figure ov 
 spache), "was sint his Majesty's arrand to culti- 
 vate the friendship of Prince Lee Boo in Botteney 
 Bay ! On Bryan, dear," says he, letting on to 
 cry, "if you were alive to hear a boddagh Sassenagh 
 like this casting up his counthry to one ov the 
 name ov Maguire !" 
 
 "In the name ov God," says the Pope, very
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 25 
 
 solemniously, "what is the meaning ov all this at 
 all at all ?" says he. 
 
 " Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to 
 him across the table, "sure you know we're act- 
 ing a conthravarsy, and you tuck the part of the 
 Prodesan champion. You wouldn't be angry wid 
 me, I'm sure, for sarving out the heretic to the 
 best ov my ability." 
 
 " Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the 
 good-natured ould crethur ; " sure enough you 
 were only taking your part, as a good Milesian 
 Catholic ought, agin the heretic Sassenagh. Well," 
 says he, "fire away now, and I'll put up wid as 
 many conthrovarsial compliments as you plase to 
 pay me." 
 
 " Well, then, answer me my question, you 
 sanctimonious ould dandy," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " In troth, then," says the Pope, " I dunna 
 which 'ud be the biggest lie : to my mind," says 
 he, "the one appears to be about as big a bounce 
 as the other." 
 
 " Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his 
 Riv'rence, " don't you persave that, forbye the 
 advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length ov 
 4
 
 26 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 his neck, it 'ud be next to onpossible for the 
 turkey-cock lying thataway to see what he was 
 about, by rason ov his djollars and other accouth- 
 rements hanging back over his eyes ? The one 
 about as big a bounce as the other ! Oh, you 
 misforthunate crethur ! if you had ever lamed 
 your A B C in theology, you'd have known that 
 there's a differ betuxt them two lies so great, that, 
 begad, I wouldn't wondher if it 'ud make a bal- 
 ance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that 
 ud be in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that the Church 
 is too liberal entirely, so she is, it 'ud cost his 
 heirs and successors betther nor ten pounds to 
 have him out as soon as the other. Get along, 
 man, and take half-a-year at dogmatical theology : 
 go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you !" 
 
 " Raaly," says the Pope, " you're making the 
 heretic's shoes too hot to hould me. I wondher 
 how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all." 
 
 " Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, 
 " don't think to back out ov your challenge now," 
 says he, tc but come to the scratch like a man, if 
 you are a man, and answer me my question. 
 What's the rason, now, that Julius Caesar and the
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 1J 
 
 Vargin Mary was born upon the one day ? 
 answer me that, if you wouldn't be hissed off the 
 platform !" 
 
 Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, 
 and he had to acknowledge himself sacked. Then 
 he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason him- 
 self; and Father Tom communicated it to him in 
 Latin. But as that is a very deep question, I 
 never hard what the answer was, except that I'm 
 tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's 
 hair stand on end. 
 
 But there's two o'clock, and I'll be late for the 
 lecthir.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS 
 HOLINESS IN LATIN. 
 
 o 
 
 H, Dochter Whately, Docther Whately, I'm 
 sure I'll never die another death if I don't die 
 aither of consumption or production! I ever and 
 always thought that asthronomy was the hardest 
 science that was till now and it's no lie I'm 
 telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough 
 enough morsel to break a man's fast upon and 
 geolidgy is middling and hard too and hydher- 
 astatics is no joke; but ov all the books ov 
 science that ever was opened and shut, that book 
 upon Pilitical Econimy lifts the pins ! Well, 
 well, if they wait till they persuade me that taking 
 a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding 
 them in forrain parts isn't doing us out ov the
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 29 
 
 same, they'll wait a long time in troth. But 
 you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence 
 and his Holiness got on after finishing the dis- 
 putation I was telling you ov. Well, you see, 
 my dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hould a 
 candle to Father Tom in theology and logic, he 
 thought he'd take the shine out ov him in Latin 
 anyhow; so says he, "Misther Magu ire," says he, 
 " I quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us 
 to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich lan- 
 gidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid ; and," 
 says he, " I think it 'ud be no harm for us to 
 spake from this out in Latin," says he, " for fraid 
 the devil 'ud undherstand what we are saying." 
 
 c< Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, 
 "whether he undherstands what we're saying or 
 not, so long as we keep off that last pint we wor 
 discussing, and one or two others. List'ners 
 never heard good ov themselves," says he ; " and 
 if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that aither you 
 or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let 
 him stand forrid like a man, and, never fear, I'll 
 give him his answer. Howandiver, if it's for a 
 taste ov classic conversation you are, just to put
 
 JO FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's 
 at you;" and wid that he lets fly at his Holiness 
 wid his health in Latin. 
 
 " Vesthrae Sanctitatis salutem volo !" says he. 
 
 " Vesthrae Revirintias salubritati bibo !" says 
 the Pope to him again (faith, it's no joke, I 
 tell you, to remimber sich a power ov laming). 
 " Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in 
 the raal Ciceronian. " Nunc poculum alterhum 
 imple," says he. 
 
 " Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'- 
 rence. " Cum summa concupiscintia et animosi- 
 tate," says he ; as much as to say : " Wid all the 
 veins ov my heart, I'll do that same;" and so, wid 
 that, they mixed their fourth gun a piece. 
 
 "Aqua vitaevesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," 
 says the Pope. 
 
 " Verum est pro te it's thrue for you," says his 
 Riv'rence, forgetting the idyim ov the Latin phraw- 
 seology, in a manner. 
 
 " Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the 
 Pope, finding fault like wid his etymology. 
 
 " Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that 
 is," says his Riv'rence ; " nam multum laboro in
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 3! 
 
 partibus interioribus," says he the dear man ! 
 that never was at a loss for an excuse ! 
 
 " Quid tibi incommodi ?" says the Pope, axing 
 him what ailed him. 
 
 " Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking- 
 glass," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum sub- 
 ther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatoriae," says 
 the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box, 
 wid a looking-glass in under the lid ; " Subther 
 operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatorii no star- 
 nutatoriae quam dono accepi ab Archi-duce Aus- 
 thriaco siptuagisima praetherita," says he ; as much 
 as to say that he got the box in a prisint from the 
 Queen of Spain last Lint, if I rightly remimber. 
 
 Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At 
 last says he, " Father Sancte," says he, "sub 
 errore jaces. { Looking-glass' apud nos habet sig- 
 nificationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei 
 dependentem" there was a sthring ov accusatives 
 for yez ! <c nam mane speculum sonat," says he, 
 " post prandium vero mat mat mat" sorra be 
 in me but I disremiml:er the classic appellivation 
 ov the same article. Howandiver, his Riv'rence
 
 32 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 went on explaining himself in such a way as no 
 scholar could mistake. " Vesica mea," says he, 
 "ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur, donee similis 
 est rumpere. Verhis apertis," says he, " Vesthrae 
 Sanctitatis praesentia salvata, aquam facere valde 
 desidhero." 
 
 " Ho, ho, ho !" says the Pope, grabbing up his 
 box ; " si inquinavisses meam pyxidem, excimni- 
 cari debuisses. Hillo, Anthony," says he to his 
 head butler, " fetch Misther Maguire a " 
 
 "You spoke first !" says his Riv'rence, jumping 
 off his sate : " You spoke first in the vernacular. 
 I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he. 
 
 " What else would you have me to do ?" says 
 the Pope, quite dogged like to see himself bate 
 thataway at his own waypons. " Sure," says he, 
 " Anthony wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's 
 foot, if I spoke to him any other way." 
 
 " Well, then," says his Riv'rence, in considher- 
 ation ov the needcessity," says he, " I'll let you 
 off for this time ; but mind, now, afrher I say 
 pr*esthOy the first of us that spakes a word of Eng- 
 lish is the hare pr<estho /" 
 
 Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, con-
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 33 
 
 sidhering wid themselves how they wor to begin 
 sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last says the 
 Pope the blessed man ! only think how 'cute it 
 was ov him ! " Domine Maguire," says he, 
 " valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione 
 istius verbi eversor quo jam jam usus es" (well, 
 surely I am the boy for the Latin !) 
 
 " Eversor, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, 
 tf nam apud nos tumbleri, seu eversores, dicti sunt 
 ab evertendo ceremonian inter amicos ; non, ut 
 Temperantias Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet, 
 ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus." (It's not every 
 masther unher the Boord, I tell you, could carry 
 such a car-load ov the dead langidges.) "In agro 
 vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, " nomine 
 gaudent quodam secundum linguam Anglicanam 
 significante bombardam seu tormentum ; quia ex 
 eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus 
 immitere solent. Etiam inter haereticos illos 
 melanostomos " (that was a touch of Greek), 
 " Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt terri- 
 biles potatores, Cyathi dicti sunt faceres, et dim- 
 idium Cyathi h<ef-a-glessus. Dimidium Cyathi vero 
 apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur dandy."
 
 34 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 " En verbum Anglicanum !" says the Pope, 
 clapping his hands " leporem te fecisti ;" as 
 much as to say that he had made a hare ov him- 
 self. 
 
 " Dandteus, dand^us, verbum erat," says his 
 Riv'rence oh, the dear man, but it's himself that 
 was handy ever and always at getting out ov a 
 hobble " dand<eus verbum erat," says he, "quod 
 dicturus eram, cum me intherpillavisti." 
 
 " Ast ego dico," says the Pope, very sharp, 
 " quod verbum erat dandy" 
 
 <c Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus 
 est," says his Riv'rence, " id flagellat mundum ! 
 Dandtfus dixi, et tu dicis dandy; ergo tu es lepus, 
 non ego Ah, ha ! Saccavi vesthram Sanctita- 
 tem!" 
 
 " Mendacium est !" says the Pope, quite for- 
 getting himself, he was so mad at being sacked 
 before the sarvints. 
 
 Well, if it hadn't been that his Holiness was in 
 it, Father Tom 'ud have given him the contints 
 of his tumbler betuxt the two eyes for calling him 
 a liar ; and, in troth, it's very well it was in Latin 
 the offince was conveyed, for, if it had been in the
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 35 
 
 vernacular, there's no saying what 'ud ha' been 
 the consequence. His Riv'rence was mighty 
 angry anyhow. " Tu senex lathro," says he, 
 " quomodo audes me mendacem prsedicare ?" 
 
 " Et tu, sacrilege nebulo," says the Pope, 
 " quomodo audacitatem habeas, me Dei in terris 
 vicarium, lathronem conviciari ?" 
 
 " Interroga circumcirca," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " Abi ex asdibus meis," says the Pope. 
 
 " Abi tu in malem crucem," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " Excomunicabo te," says the Pope. 
 
 " Diabolus curat," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 "Anathema sis," says the Pope. 
 
 " Oscula meum pod," says his Riv'rence but, 
 my dear, afore he could finish what he was going 
 to say, the Pope broke out into the vernacular, 
 " Get out o' my house, you reprobate !" says he, 
 in sich a rage that he could contain himself widin 
 the Latin no longer. 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha! ho, ho, ho!" says his Riv'rence. 
 "Who's the hare now, your Holiness? Oh, by 
 this and by that, I've sacked you clane ! Clane 
 and clever I've done it, and no mistake ! You 
 see what a bit ov desate will do wid the wisest,
 
 36 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 your Holiness sure it was joking I was, on pur- 
 pose to aggravate you all's fair, you know, in 
 love, law, and conthravarsy. In troth if I'd 
 thought you'd have taken it so much to heart, I'd 
 have put my head into the fire afore I'd have said 
 a word to offind you," says he, for he seen that 
 the Pope was very vexed. <{ Sure, God forbid 
 that I'd say anything agin your Holiness, barring 
 it was in fun : for arn't you the father ov the 
 faithful, and the thrue vicar ov God upon earth ? 
 And amn't I ready to go down on my two knees 
 this blessed minit and beg your epostolical pardon 
 for every word that I said to your displasement ?" 
 
 " Are you in arnest that it is in fun you wor ?" 
 says the Pope. 
 
 " May I never die if I amn't," says his Riv'- 
 rence. "It was all to provoke your Holiness to 
 commit a brache ov the Latin that I tuck the 
 small liberties I did," says he. 
 
 " I'd have you to take care," says the Pope, 
 " how you take sich small liberties again, or may- 
 be you'll provoke me to commit a brache ov the 
 pace." 
 
 " Well, and if I did," said his Riv'rence, " I
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 37 
 
 know a sartan preparation ov chymicals that's very 
 good for curing a brache either in Latinity or frind- 
 ship." 
 
 " What's that ?" says the Pope, quite mollified, 
 and sitting down again at the table that he had ris 
 from in the first pluffov his indignation. " What's 
 that?" says he, "for, 'pon my Epistolical 'davy, 
 I think it 'udn't be asy to bate this miraclous mix- 
 thir that we've been thrying to anilize this two 
 hours back," says he, taking a mighty scientifical 
 swig out ov the bottom ov his tumbler. 
 
 " It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence: 
 " it lays a very nate foundation for more sarious 
 operation: but we're now arrived at a pariod ov 
 the evening when its time to proceed wid our 
 shuperstructhure by compass and square, like free 
 and excipted masons as we both are." 
 
 My time's up for the present; but I'll tell you 
 the rest in the evening at home.
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 HOW FATHER TOM AND HIS HOLINESS DISPUTED 
 IN METAPHYSICS AND ALGEBRA. 
 
 VJfOD be wid the time when I went to the clas- 
 sical seminary ov Firdramore ! when I'd bring my 
 sod o' turf undher my arm, and sit down on my 
 shnug boss o' straw, wid my back to the masther 
 and my shins to the fire, and score my sum in 
 Dives's denominations or the double rule o' three, 
 or play fox-and-geese wid purty Jane Cruise that 
 sat next me, as plisantly as the day was long, wid- 
 out any one so much as saying, fc Mikey Heffer- 
 nan, what's that you're about ?" for ever since I 
 was in the one lodge wid poor ould Mat I had my 
 own way in his school as free as ever I had in my 
 mother's shebeen. God be wid them days, I say 
 again, for its althered times wid me, I judge, since 
 I got under Carlisle and Whately. Sich sthrict- 
 ness ! sich ordher ! sich dhrilling, and lecthiring, 
 and tuthoring as they do get on wid! I wisht to
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 39 
 
 gracious the one-half ov their rules and rigilations 
 was sunk in the say. And they're getting so 
 sthrict, too, about having fair play for the heretic 
 childher ! We've to have no more schools in the 
 chapels, nor masses in the schools. Oh, by this 
 and by that it'll never do at all ! The ould plan 
 was twenty times betther; and, for my own part, if 
 it wasn't that the clargy supports them in a manner, 
 and the grant's a thing not easily done widout 
 these hard times, I'd see if I couldn't get a shelter- 
 ed spot nigh-hand the chapel, and set up again on 
 the good ould principle : and faix, I think our 
 Metropolitan 'ud stand to me, for I know that his 
 Grace's motto was ever and always, that " Igno- 
 rance is the thrue mother of piety." 
 
 But I'm running away from my norration en- 
 tirely, so I am. c< You'll plase to ordher up the 
 housekeeper, then," says Father Tom to the 
 Pope, " wid a pint ov sweet milk in a skillet, 
 and the bulk ov her fist ov butther, along wid 
 a dust ov soft sugar in a saucer, and I'll show 
 you the way ov producing a decoction that, I'll 
 be bound, will hunt the thirst out ov every nook 
 and corner in your Holiness's blessed carcidge."
 
 4-O FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 The Pope ordhered up the ingredients, and they 
 were brought in by the head butler. 
 
 " That'll not do at all," says his Riv'rence, 
 " the ingredients won't combine in due proportion 
 unless ye do as I bid yez. Send up the house- 
 keeper," says he, " for a faymale hand is ondis- 
 pinsably necessary to produce the adaptation ov 
 the particles and the concurrence ov the corpuscles, 
 without which you might boil till morning, and 
 never fetch the cruds off" ov it." 
 
 Well, the Pope whispered to his head butler, 
 and by-and-by up there comes an ould faggot ov 
 a Caillean^ that was enough to frighten a horse 
 from his oats. 
 
 " Don't thry for to desave me," says his Riv'- 
 rence, tc for it's no use, I tell yez. Send up the 
 housekeeper, I bid yez: I seen her preserving 
 gooseberries in the panthry as I came up : she has 
 eyes -as black as a sloe," says he, "and cheeks like 
 the rose in June ; and sorra taste ov this celestial 
 mixthir shall crass the lips ov man or mortial this 
 blessed night till she stirs the same up wid her own 
 delicate little finger." 
 
 " Misther Maguire," says the Pope, " it's very
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 4! 
 
 improper ov you to spake that way ov my house- 
 keeper: I won't allow it, sir." 
 
 " Honor bright, your Holiness," says his Riv'- 
 rence, laying his hand on his heart. 
 
 " Oh, by this and by that, Misther Maguire," 
 says the Pope, " I'll have none ov your insiniva- 
 tions: I don't care who sees my whole household," 
 says he ; "I don't care if all the faymales undher 
 my roof was paraded down the High Street ov 
 Room," says he. 
 
 " Oh, it's plain to be seen how little you care 
 who sees them," says his Riv'rence. c< You're 
 afeared, now, if I was to see your housekeeper, 
 that I'd say she was too handsome." 
 
 " No, I'm not!" says the Pope; "I don't care 
 who sees her," says he. " Anthony," says he to 
 the head butler, "bid Eliza throw her apron over 
 her head, and come up here." Wasn't that stout 
 in the blessed man ? Well, my dear, up she 
 came, stepping like a three-year-old, and blushing 
 like the break o' day : for though her apron 
 was thrown over her head as she came forrid, 
 till you could barely see the tip ov her chin 
 
 more be token there was a lovely dimple in it, 
 6
 
 4-2 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 as I've been tould yet she let it shlip a bit 
 to one side, by chance like, jist as she got for- 
 ninst the fire, and if she wouldn't have given his 
 Riv'rence a shot if he hadn't been a priest, it's no 
 matther. 
 
 " Now, my dear," says he, "you must take that 
 skillet, and hould it over the fire till the milk 
 comes to a blood-hate ; and the way you'll know 
 that will be by stirring it ons't or twice wid the 
 little finger ov your right hand, afore you put in 
 the butther : not that I misdoubt," says he, "but 
 that the same finger's fairer nor the whitest milk 
 that ever came from the tit." 
 
 " None ov your deludhering talk to the young 
 woman, sir," says the Pope, mighty stern. "Stir 
 the posset as he bids you, Eliza, and then be off 
 wid yourself," says he. 
 
 " I beg your Holiness's pardon ten thousand 
 times," says his Riv'rence ; " I'm sure I meant 
 nothing onproper; I hope I'm uncapable ov any 
 sich dirilection ov my duty," says he. " But, 
 marciful Saver!" he cried out, jumping up on a 
 suddent, "look behind you, your Holiness I'm 
 blest but the room's on fire !"
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 43 
 
 Sure enough the candle fell down that minit, 
 and was near setting fire to the windy-curtains, 
 and there was some bustle, as you may suppose, 
 getting things put to rights. And now I have to 
 tell you ov a raally onpleasant occurrence. If I 
 was a Prodesan that was in it, I'd say that while 
 the Pope's back was turned, Father Tom made 
 free wid the two lips ov Miss Eliza ; but, upon 
 my conscience, I believe it was a mere mistake 
 that his Holiness fell into on account of his being 
 an ould man, and not having aither his eyesight 
 or his hearing very parfect. At any rate it can't 
 be denied but that he had a sthrong imprission 
 that sich was the case ; for he wheeled about as 
 quick as thought, jist as his Riv'rence was sitting 
 down, and charged him wid the offince plain and 
 plump. " Is it kissing my housekeeper before 
 my face you are, you villain ?" says he. " Go 
 down out o' this," says he to Miss Eliza; "and 
 do you be packing off wid you," he says to Father 
 Tom, " for it's not safe, so it isn't, to have the 
 likes ov you in a house where there's temptation 
 in your way." 
 
 "Is it me?" says his Riv'rence; "why, what
 
 44 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 would your Holiness be at, at all ? Sure I wasn't 
 doing no sich thing." 
 
 " Would you have me doubt the evidence ov 
 my sinses ?" says the Pope; "would you have 
 me doubt the testimony ov my eyes and ears ?" 
 says he. 
 
 " Indeed I would so," says his Riv'rence, " if 
 they pretind to have informed your Holiness of 
 any sich foolishness." 
 
 "Why," says the Pope, "1 seen you afther 
 kissing Eliza as plain as I see the nose on your 
 face ; I heard the smack you gave her as plain as 
 ever I heard thundher." 
 
 " And how do you know whether you see the 
 nose on my face or not ?" says his Riv'rence ; 
 "and how do you know whether what you thought 
 was thundher, was thundher at all? Them opera- 
 tions of the sinses," says he, " comprises only 
 particular corporayal emotions, connected wid 
 sartin confused perciptions called sinsations, and 
 isn't to be depended upon at all. If we were to 
 follow them blind guides, we might jist as well 
 turn heretics at ons't. 'Pon my secret word, your 
 Holiness, it's naither charitable nor orthodox ov
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 45 
 
 you to set up the testimony ov your eyes and 
 ears agin the character ov a clergyman. And 
 now, see how aisy it is to explain all them phwen- 
 omena that perplexed you. I ris and went over 
 beside the young woman because the skillet was 
 boiling over, to help her to save the dhrop ov 
 liquor that was in it ; and as for the noise you 
 heard, my dear man, it was neither more nor less 
 nor myself dhrawing the cork out ov this blissid 
 bottle." 
 
 " Don't offer to thrape that upon me !" says 
 the Pope ; "here's the cork in the bottle still, as 
 tight as a wedge." 
 
 " I beg your pardon," says his Riv'rence, 
 "that's not the cork at all," says he ; cc I dhrew 
 the cork a good two minits ago, and it's very 
 purtily spitted on the end ov this blessed cork- 
 shcrew at this prisint moment ; howandiver you 
 can't see it, because it's only its raal prisence that's 
 in it. But that appearance that you call a cork," 
 says he, " is nothing but the outward spacies and 
 external qualities ov the cortical nathur. Them's 
 nothing but the accidents ov the cork that you're 
 looking at and handling ; but, as I tould you
 
 46 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 afore, the real cork's dhrew, and is here prisint on 
 the end ov this nate little insthrument, and it was 
 the noise I made in dhrawing it, and nothing else, 
 that you mistook for the sound ov the pogue." 
 
 You know there was no conthravening what he 
 said ; and the Pope couldn't openly deny it. 
 Howandiver he thried to pick a hole in it this 
 way. " Granting," says he, " that there is the 
 differ you say betuxt the reality ov the cork and 
 them cortical accidents, and that it's quite possible, 
 as you allidge, that the thrue cork is really prisint 
 on the end ov the shcrew, while the accidents 
 keep the mouth ov the bottle stopped still," 
 says he, " I can't undherstand, though willing to 
 acquit you, how the dhrawing ov the real cork, 
 that's onpalpable and widout accidents, could pro- 
 duce the accident ov that sinsible explosion I 
 heard jist now." 
 
 " All I can say," says his Riv'rence, "is, that 
 I'm sinsible it was a raal accident, anyhow." 
 
 "Ay," says the Pope, "The kiss you gev Eliza, 
 you mane." 
 
 " No," says his Riv'rence, " but the report I 
 made."
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 47 
 
 " I don't doubt you," says the Pope. 
 
 " No cork could be dhrew with less noise," says 
 his Riv'rence. 
 
 "It would be hard for anything to be less nor 
 nothing, barring algebra," says the Pope. 
 
 " I can prove to the conthrary," says his Riv'- 
 rence. " This glass ov whisky is less nor that 
 tumbler ov punch, and that tumbler ov punch is 
 nothing to this jug of scalfheen" 
 
 tc Do you judge by superficial misure or by the 
 liquid contents ?" says the Pope. 
 
 <c Don't stop me betuxt my premisses and my 
 conclusion," says his Riv'rence ; " Ergo, this glass 
 ov whisky is less nor nothing ; and for that raison 
 I see no harm in life in adding it to the contents 
 ov the same jug, just by way ov a frost-nail." 
 
 " Adding what's less nor nothing," says the 
 Pope, " is subtraction according to algebra ; so 
 here goes to make the rule good," says he, filling 
 his tumbler wid the blessed stuff", and sitting down 
 again at the table, for the anger didn't stay two 
 minutes on him, the good-hearted ould sowl. 
 
 " Two minuses makes one plus," says his Riv'- 
 rence, as ready as you plase, " and that'll account
 
 48 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 for the increased daycrement I mane to take the 
 liberty ov producing in the same mixed quantity," 
 says he, follyingliis Holiness's epistolical example. 
 
 " By all that's good," says the Pope, " that's 
 the best stuff I ever tasted ; you call it a mixed 
 quantity, but I say it's prime." 
 
 " Since it's ov the first ordher, then," says his 
 Riv'rence, "we'll have the less deffeequilty in re- 
 ducing it to a simple equation." 
 
 " You'll have no fractions at my side, anyhow," 
 says the Pope. " Faix, I'm afeard," says he, "it's 
 only too aisy ov solution our sum is like to be." 
 
 " Never fear for that," says his Riv'rence, " I've 
 a good stock ov surds here in the bottle ; for I tell 
 you it will take us a long time to exthract the root 
 ov it, at the rate we're going on." 
 
 " What makes you call the blessed quart an ir- 
 rational quantity?" says the Pope. 
 
 {C Becase it's too much for one, and too little for 
 two," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 "Clear it ov its co-efficient, and we'll thry," says 
 the Pope. 
 
 " Hand me over the exponent, then," says his 
 Riv'rence.
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 49 
 
 "What's that?" says the Pope. 
 
 " The schrew, to be sure," says his Riv'rence. 
 
 " Sure the cork's dhrew," says the Pope. 
 
 c< But the sperits can't get out on account of the 
 accidents that's stuck in the neck ov the bottle," 
 says his Riv'rence. 
 
 cc Accident ought to be passable to sperit," says 
 the Pope, " and that makes me suspect that the 
 reality ov the cork's in it afther all." 
 
 " That's a barony-masia," says his Riv'rence, 
 " and I'm not bound to answer it. But the fact is, 
 that it's the accidents ov the sperits too that's in it, 
 and the reality's passed out through the cortical 
 spacies as you say : for, you may have observed, 
 we've both been in raal good sperits ever since the 
 cork was dhrawn, and where else would the raal 
 sperits come from if they would't come out ov the 
 bottle ?" 
 
 "Well, then," says the Pope, cc since we've got 
 the reality, there's no use throubling ourselves wid 
 the accidents." 
 
 cc Oh, begad," says his Riv'rence, " the acci- 
 dents is very essential too ; for a man may be in 
 the best of good sperits, as far as his immaterial
 
 5 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 part goes, and yet need the accidental qualities ov 
 good liquor to hunt the sinsible thirst out ov him." 
 So he dhraws the cork in earnest, and sets about 
 brewing the other skillet ov scaltheen ; but, faix, 
 he had to get up the ingredients this time by the 
 hands ov ould Molly ; though devil a taste ov her 
 little finger he'd let widin a yard ov the same de- 
 coction. 
 
 But, my dear, here's the Freeman s Journal, and 
 we'll see what's the news afore we finish the resid- 
 uary proceedings ov their two Holinesses.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE REASON WHY FATHER TOM WAS NOT MADE A 
 CARDINAL. 
 
 H.URROO, my darlings! didn't I tell you 
 it 'ud never do ? Success to bould John Tuam 
 and the old siminary of Firdramore! Oh, more 
 power to your Grace every day you rise, 'tis you 
 that has broken their Boord into shivers undher 
 your feet! Sure, and isn't it a proud day for Ire- 
 land, this blessed feast ov the chair ov Saint Pe- 
 ther? Isn't Carlisle and Whately smashed to 
 pieces, and their whole college ov swaddling teach- 
 ers knocked into smidhereens. John Tuam, your 
 sowl, has tuck his pasthoral staff in his hand and 
 beathen them out o' Connaught as fast ever Path- 
 rick druve the sarpints into Clew Bay. Poor ould 
 Mat Kavanagh, if he was alive this day, 'tis he 
 would be the happy man. " My curse upon their 
 g'ographies and Bibles," he used to say ; <c where's
 
 5^ FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 the use ov perplexing the poor childer wid what 
 we don't undherstand ourselves?" no use at all, in 
 troth, and so I said from the first myself. Well, 
 thank God and his Grace, we'll have no more 
 thrigonomethry nor scripther in Connaught. We'll 
 hould our lodges every Saturday night, as we used 
 to do, wid our chairman behind the masther's 
 desk, and we'll hear our mass every Sunday morn- 
 ing wid the blessed priest standing afore the same. 
 I' wisht to goodness I hadn't parted wid my Seven 
 Champions ov Christendom and Freney the Rob- 
 ber ; they're books that'll be in great requist in 
 Leithrim as soon as the pasthoral gets wind. Glory 
 be to God! I've done wid their lecthirs they may 
 
 all go and be d d wid their consumption and 
 
 production. I'm off to Tullymactaggart before 
 daylight in the morning, .where I'll thry whether a 
 sod or two o' turf can't consume a cartload ov 
 heresy, and whether a weekly meeting ov the lodge 
 can't produce a new thayory ov rints. But afore I 
 take my lave ov you, I may as well finish my 
 story about poor Father Tom that I hear is com- 
 ing up to whale the heretics in Adam and Eve 
 during the Lint.
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 53 
 
 The Pope and indeed it ill becomes a good 
 Catholic to say anything agin him no more would 
 I, only that his Riv'rence was in it but you see 
 that the fact ov it is, that the Pope was as envious 
 as ever he could be, at seeing himself sacked right 
 and left by Father Tom, and bate out o' the face, 
 the way he was, on every science and subjec' that 
 was started. So, not to be outdone altogether, he 
 says to his Riv'rence, tf You're a man that's fond 
 
 ov the brute crayation, I hear, Misther Ma- 
 
 5 
 
 guirer 
 
 " I don't deny it," says his Riv'rence ; " I've 
 dogs that I'm willing to run agin any man's, ay, or 
 to match them agin any other dogs in the world 
 for genteel edication and polite manners," says he. 
 
 " I'll hould you a pound," says the Pope, "that 
 I've a quadhruped in my possession that's a wiser 
 baste nor any dog in your kennel." 
 
 " Done," says his Riv'rence, and they staked 
 the money. 
 
 " What can this larned quadhruped o' yours 
 do?" says his Riv'rence. 
 
 <{ It's my mule," says the Pope, "and if you 
 were to offer her goolden oats and clover off the
 
 54 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 meadows o' Paradise, sorra taste ov aither she'd 
 let pass her teeth till the first mass is over every 
 Sunday or holiday in the year." 
 
 " Well, and what 'ud you say if I showed you 
 a baste of mine," says his Riv'rence, cc that, in- 
 stead ov fasting till first mass is over only, fasts 
 out the whole four-and-twenty hours ov every 
 Wednesday and Friday in the week as reg'lar as a 
 
 Christian?" 
 
 " Oh, be aisy, Misther Maguire," says the 
 
 Pope. 
 
 "You don't b'lieve me, don't you?" says his 
 Riv'rence ; " very well, I'll soon show you whether 
 or no," and he puts his knuckles in his mouth, 
 and gev a whistle that made the Pope stop his 
 fingers in his ears. The aycho, my dear, was 
 hardly done playing wid the cobwebs in the cor- 
 nish, when the door flies open, and in jumps 
 Spring. The Pope happened to be sitting next 
 the door, betuxt him and his Riv'rence, and, may 
 I never die, if he didn't clear him, thriple crown 
 and all, at one spang. " God's presence be about 
 us !" says the Pope, thinking it was an evil spirit 
 come to fly away wid him for the lie that he had
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 55 
 
 tould in regard ov his mule (for it was nothing 
 more nor a thrick that consisted in grasing the 
 brute's teeth): but, seeing it was one ov the great- 
 est beauties ov a grayhound that he'd ever laid his 
 epistolical eyes on, he soon recovered ov his fright, 
 and began to pat him, while Father Tom ris and 
 went to the sideboord, where he cut a slice ov 
 pork, a slice ov beef, a slice ov mutton, and a 
 slice ov salmon, and put them all cm a plate the- 
 gither. " Here, Spring, my man," says he, set- 
 ting the plate down afore him on the hearthstone, 
 " here's your supper for you this blessed Friday 
 night." Not a word more he said nor what I tell 
 you ; and, you may believe it or not, but it's the 
 blessed truth that the dog, afther jist tasting the 
 salmon, and spitting it out again, lifted his nose 
 out o' the plate, and stood wid his jaws wathering, 
 and his tail wagging, looking up in his Riv'rence's 
 face, as much as to say, "Give me your absolu- 
 tion, till I hide them temptations out o' my 
 
 ' U x. " 
 
 sight. 
 
 " There's a dog that knows his duty," says his 
 Riv'rence ; "there's a baste that knows how to 
 conduct himself aither in the parlor or the field.
 
 56 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 You think him a good dog, looking at him here ; 
 but I wisht you seen him on the side ov Slieve- 
 an-Eirin ! Be my soul, you'd say the hill was 
 running away from undher him. Oh I wisht you 
 had been wid me," says he, never letting on to see 
 the dog at al), " one day, last Lint, that I was 
 coming from mass. Spring was near a quarther ov 
 a mile behind me, for the childher was delaying 
 him wid bread and butther at the chapel door; 
 when a lump ov a hare jumped out ov the planta- 
 tions ov Grouse Lodge and ran acrass the road ; 
 so I gave the whilloo, and knowing that she'd take 
 the rise ov the hill, I made over the ditch, and up 
 through Mullagheashel as hard as I could pelt, 
 still keeping her in view, but afore I had gone a 
 perch, Spring seen her, and away the two went 
 like the wind, up Drumrewry, and down Cloo- 
 neen, and over the river, widout his being able 
 ons't to turn her. Well, I run on till I came to 
 the Diffagher, and through it I went, for the wa- 
 ther was low and 1 didn't mind being wet shod, 
 and out on the other side, where I got up on a 
 ditch, and seen sich a coorse as I'll be bound to 
 say was never seen afore or since. If Spring
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 57 
 
 turned that hare ons't that day, he turned her fifty 
 times, up and down, back and for'ard throughout 
 and about. At last he run her right into the big 
 quarryhole in Mullaghbawn, and when I went up 
 to look for her fud, there I found him sthretched 
 on his side, not able to stir a foot, and the hare 
 lying about an inch afore his nose as dead as a door- 
 nail, and divil a mark ov a tooth upon her. Eh, 
 Spring, isn't that thrue ?" says he. Jist at that 
 minit the clock sthruck twelve, and, before you 
 could say thrap-sticks, Spring had the plateful ov 
 mateconsaled. "Now," says his Riv'rence, "hand 
 me over my pound, for I've won my bate fairly." 
 
 "You'll excuse me," says the Pope, pocketing 
 his money, "for we put the clock half an hour 
 back, out ov compliment to your Riv'rence," says 
 he, "and it was Sathurday morning afore he came 
 up at all." 
 
 " Well, it's no matther," says his Riv'rence, 
 putting back his pound-note in his pocket-book, 
 "only," says he, "it's hardly fair to expect a brute 
 baste to be so well skilled in the science ov chron- 
 ology." 
 
 In troth his Riv'rence was badly used in the 
 8
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 same bate, for he won it clever; and, indeed, I'm 
 afraid the shabby way he was thrated had some 
 effect in putting it into his mind to do what he 
 did. "Will your Holiness take a blast ov the 
 pipe?" says he, dhrawing out his dhudeen. 
 
 "I never smoke," says the Pope, "but I haven't 
 the laste objection to the smell ov the tobaccay." 
 
 "Oh, you had better take a dhraw," says his 
 Riv'rence, "it'll relish the dhrink, that 'ud be too 
 luscious entirely, widout something to flavor it." 
 
 "I had thoughts," said the Pope, wid the laste 
 sign ov a hiccup on him, "ov getting up a broiled 
 bone for the same purpose." 
 
 "Well," says his Riv'rence, "a broiled bone 
 'ud do no manner ov harm at this present time; but 
 a smoke," says he, ct 'ud flavor both the divil and 
 the dhrink." 
 
 " What sort o' tobaccay is it that's in it ?" says 
 the Pope. 
 
 " Raal nagur-head," says his Riv'rence ; " a 
 very mild and salubrious spacies ov the philo- 
 sophic weed." 
 
 " Then, I don't care if I do take a dhraw," says 
 the Pope. Then Father Tom held the coal him-
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 59 
 
 self till his Holiness had the pipe lit ; and they sat 
 widout saying anything worth mentioning for about 
 five minutes. 
 
 At last the Pope says to his Riv'rence: " I 
 dunna what gev me this plaguy hiccup," says he. 
 "Dhrink about," says he " Begorra," he says, 
 "I think I'm getting merrier nor's good for me. 
 Sing us a song, your Riv'rence," says he. 
 
 Father Tom then sung him Monatagrenoge and 
 the Bunch o' Rushes, and he was mighty well 
 pleased wid both, keeping time wid his hands, and 
 joining in the choruses, when his hiccup 'ud let 
 him. At last, my dear, he opens the lower buttons 
 ov his waistcoat, and the top one ov his waistband, 
 and calls to Master Anthony to lift up one ov the 
 windys. "I dunna what's wrong wid me, at all at 
 all," says he, " I'm mortial sick." 
 
 "I thrust," says his Riv'rence, "the pasthry that 
 you ate at dinner hasn't disagreed wid your Holi- 
 ness's stomach." 
 
 "Oh my! oh!" says the Pope, "what's this at 
 all ?" gasping for breath, and as pale as a sheet, 
 wid a could swate bursting out over his forehead, 
 and the palms ov his hands spread out to catch the
 
 60 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 
 
 air. "Oh my! oh my!" says he, "fetch me 
 a basin ! Don't spake to me. Oh ! oh ! blood 
 alive ! Oh, my head, my head, hould my head ! 
 oh ! ubh ! I'm poisoned ! ach !" 
 
 "It was them plaguy pasthries," says his Riv'- 
 rence. "Hould his head hard," says he, "and 
 clap a wet cloth over his timples. If you could 
 only thry another dhraw o' the pipe, your Holi- 
 ness, it 'ud set you to rights in no time." 
 
 "Carry me to bed," says the Pope, "and never 
 let me see that wild Irish priest again. I'm 
 poisoned by his manes ubplsch ! ach ! ach ! 
 He dined wid Cardinal Wayld yesterday," says 
 he, "and he's bribed him to take me off. Send 
 for a confissor," says he, "for my latther end's 
 approaching. My head's like to split so it is ! 
 Oh my ! oh my ! ubplsch ! ach !" 
 
 Well, his Riv'rence never thought it worth his 
 while to make him an answer ; but, when he seen 
 how ungratefully he was used, afther all his 
 throuble in making the evening agreeable to the 
 ould man, he called Spring, and put the but-end 
 ov the second bottle into his pocket, and left the 
 house widout once wishing " Good-night, an'
 
 FATHER TOM AND THE POPE. 6 I 
 
 plaisant dhrames to you ;" and, in troth, not one 
 of them axed him to lave them a lock ov his hair. 
 That's the story as I heard it tould ; but myself 
 doesn't b'lieve over one-half ov it. Howandiver, 
 when all's done, it's a shame, so it is, that he's not 
 a bishop this blessed day and hour : for, next to 
 the goiant ov St. Jarlath's, he's out and out the 
 cleverest fellow ov the whole jing-bang.