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 THE DRAMATIC 
 
 WORKS 
 
 O F 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq; 
 
 In THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 TASTE, 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 The ENGLISHMAN at 
 PARIS. 
 
 The AUTHOR. 
 
 turn'd from PARIS, 
 
 AND 
 
 The KNIGHTS, 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for P. VAIL L ANT, and T. LOWNDES. 
 
 {Price bound 18 Shillings.] 
 
 53595
 
 I
 
 HercuLtnetun, ur/tsfitet .Ttipiter Ttmans , or "Venus 
 of Jkphos , (tettfaacV* 
 ^J+fxrf:. zsvM S/rs 
 
 'if, v/^Jiino lucina . 
 
 ,/Aes *y&i*td 0f sStis _Apollo o Delplios . 
 ^/Ae- ftr/o^d^/s^fy ofM^ , c /sifrJH/- Hercules. 
 eorcuiaiis loferjnals . 
 
 ^ ( 
 4
 
 TASTE, 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 Of TWO ACTS. 
 
 As it is A&ed at the 
 
 ^Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 
 By S A M U E L F O O T E, Efqj 
 
 Be rich in ancient Brafs> tbo* not in 
 And keep bis Lares tho' bis Houfe be fold\ 
 To headlefs Pheebe bis fair Bride poflpone, 
 Honour a Syrian Prince above his own j 
 Lord of an Otho, if 1 vouch it true ; 
 Blejl in one Niger, till he knows of two. 
 
 POPE'S Dunciad* 
 
 The THIRD EDITION* 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, in Fleet-fir eet - t and 
 W. N l c o L L, in St. Paul's Church Tard. 
 
 M D C C L X V. 
 [ Price One Shilling. ]
 
 ( 
 
 T O 
 
 Francis Delaval, Efq; 
 
 SIR, 
 
 WHEN I confider the long Intimacy 
 that has fubfifted betwixt us, the Ob- 
 ligations I owe to your generous, dif- 
 interefted Friendihip, and the Protection and 
 Encouragement I received both from you and 
 your Brother, when Neceffity lifted me in the 
 Service of the Public ; there is no Man to 
 whom with equal Propriety and Pleafure I can 
 addrefs the following Work. It would be pay- 
 ing a bad Compliment to the Town, were I 
 to trouble you with an Apology for the In- 
 confiderablenefs of the Prefent. I thought it 
 worthy their Attention, and confequently not 
 beneath the Acceptance of my Friend. With 
 the Aid of a Love-Plot I could have fpun out 
 the Piece to the Extent of five Acts ; but be- 
 fides that I wanted to confine the Eye to the 
 Tingle Object of my Satire, I declare myfelf a 
 A 3 Rebel
 
 vi DEDICATION. 
 
 Rebel to this univerfal Tyrant, who, not con- 
 tented with exciting all that is pitiful or terri- 
 ble in human Nature, has claimed the Privi- 
 lege of occafioning every thing that is ridicu- 
 lous or contemptible in it ; and thus, from the 
 abject Submiffion of our dramatic Poets, is both 
 Tragedy and Comedy fubjecled^to the Power of 
 Love. It may be thought prefumptuous in 
 me, to have dignified ib mort a Performance 
 with the Name of a Comedy ; but when my 
 Reafons why it cannot be called a Farce are 
 confidered, the Critics muft indulge me with 
 the Ufe of that Title ; at leaft till they can 
 furnifh me with a better. As the Follies and 
 Abfurdities of Men are the fole Objects of 
 Comedy, fo the Powers of the Imagination 
 (Plot and Incident excepted) are in this kind 
 of Writing greatly reftrained. Np unnatural 
 AfTemblages, no Creatures of the Fancy, can 
 procure the Protection of the Comic Mufe^ 
 Men and Things muft appear as they are, 
 It is employed either in debafing lofty Sub- 
 jects, or in raifmg humble Ones. Of the two 
 Kinds we have Examples in the 'Tom Thumb of 
 
 Mr. F- , and a Traveftie of the U/yJ/es, 
 
 where Penelope keeps an Ale-houfe, Tielema- 
 chus is a Tapfter, and the Heroe a recruiting 
 Serjeant. In both thefe Inftances you fee 
 Nature is reverfed ; but as 1 flatter myfelf, in 
 the following Sheets her Steps have been trode 
 with an undeviating Simplicity, give me leave 
 
 to
 
 DEDICATION. vii 
 
 to hope, that though I have not attained the 
 'T-ogatat yet I have reached the Tabernaria of 
 the Romans. I once intended to have thrown 
 into this Addrefs, the Contents of many of our 
 Converfations on the Subject of Comedy ;. for 
 in whatever Diffipations the World may fop- 
 pofe our Days to have been confumed, many, 
 many Hours have been confecrated to other 
 Subjects than generally employ the Gay and 
 the Giddy. I hope the prefent Occafion will 
 demonftrate, that Pleafure has not been always 
 my Purfuit ; and, unlefs I am greatly miftaken, 
 it will foon be difcovered, that, joined to the 
 Acknowledged beft Heart in the World, Mr. 
 Delaval has a Head capable of directing it. 
 As I am now above the Reach of common 
 Obligations, an Acknowledgment of thefe Qua- 
 lities, in thePerfon of a Man who has honoured 
 me with his Friendship, is the fole Caufe of 
 the Trouble you now receive. Long has been 
 our Union, may it never be divided till the 
 fatal Stroke, that demolimes all fublunary Con- 
 nections, {hall reach One of us, which One 
 will, I hope, b.e 
 
 Tour obliged, and 
 
 affeCllonate Servant, 
 
 SAMUEL FOOTED
 
 ^viii ) 
 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 /Was always apprehenjive that the Subject 
 of the following Piece was too abjirafted 
 and Jingular for the Comprehenjion of a 
 mix d Affembly . Juno Lucina, Jupiter Tonans, 
 Phidias, Praxiteles, with the other Gentlemen 
 and Ladies of Antiquity, were, I dare fay, ut~ 
 terly unknown to my 'very good Friends of the 
 Gallery ; ncr, to fpeak the Truth, do I believe 
 they had many Acquaintances in the other Parts 
 of the Hoiife. Buf thd I dejpair of gratifying 
 the Populum Tributim of the THEATRE, yet 
 I flatter my f elf the Primores Populi willfndme 
 no dif agree able Companion in the Clofet, et fatis 
 magnum Theatrum mihi eftis. 
 
 / was neither prompted by a lucrative, nor 
 
 an ambitious Motive to this Undertaking. My 
 
 Defign was to few e a Man, who had ever great 
 
 Merit with his Friends, and to whom, on the 
 
 Score of fome late Tranf actions, I think the Pub- 
 
 lie vajfly indebted. That my good Intentions 
 
 for Mr. WORSDALE have proved fuccefs- 
 
 ful, is intirely owing to the Generojity and 
 
 Humanity of the Managers of Drury - Lane 
 
 THEATRE; they have given him a Benefit, 
 
 and
 
 PREFACE. ix 
 
 and are jointly entitled to my thanks ; but as to.. 
 Mr. GARRICK, / have more perjonal Ob- 
 ligations. I take this Opportunity of affuring 
 him, that I flail e'uer retain the moft grateful 
 Remembrance of his AJiftance, Ajiduity, and 
 kind Concern, at the Birth, Progrefs, and un- 
 timely End of this my laji and favourite Off-i 
 Jpring. 
 
 'The Objects of my Satire were fuch as I 
 thought, 'whether they were confidered in a mo- 
 ral, a political, or a ridiculous Light, defervtd 
 the Notice of the Comic Mufe. I was deter- 
 mined to brand thofe Goths in Science, who had 
 proflituted the ufeful Study of Antiquity to tri- 
 fling fuperjicial Purpofes ; who had blajled the 
 Progrefs of the elegant Arts amongjl us, by 
 unpardonable Frauds and abfurd Prejudices ; 
 and who had corrupted the Minds and Morals 
 of our Youth, by perfuading them, that what 
 only Jerves to illujirate Literature was true 
 Learning, and active Idlenefs real Eujinefs. 
 How far this End has been obtained, is now, in 
 the following Sheets, more generally fubmitted 
 to the Public. 
 
 PROLOGUE.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 Written by Mr. G A R R I C K, 
 
 And fpoken by him in the Chara&er of an Auctioneer, 
 
 BEFORE this Court, /PETER PUFF appear* 
 A Briton born, and bred an Auctioneer ; 
 Who for myfelf, and eke a hundred ethers, 
 My ufeful, boneft, learned, bawling Brothers* 
 With much Humility and Fear implore ye, 
 To lay our prefent, defp'rate Cafe before ye. 
 
 *Tis faid this Ni^ht a certain Wag intends 
 To laugh at us, our Calling, and our Friends : 
 If Lords and Ladies, and fuch dainty Folks 9 
 Are cur'd of AuRion-hunting by Hs Jekes ! 
 Should this odd Deftrine fpread throughout theLand, 
 Before you buy, be fare to underitand, 
 Oh ! think on us what various Ills willfloWy 
 //- hen Great Ones only pur chafe what they know. 
 Why laugh rf/ TASTE ? // is a harmlefs Fajhion^ 
 And quite fubdues each detrimental Pajfion ; 
 ^he Fcir Gnes Hearts will ne'er incline to Man, 
 While thus they rage for China and Japan. 
 STirVirtoofo, too, and Connoifleur, 
 Are ever decent, delicate, and pure-, 
 The fmalii'ft Hair their loofer Thoughts might hold v 
 yujl warm when Jingle, and when married, cold: 
 Their Blood at Sight of Beauty gently fiows \ 
 Their Venus mujl be old, and want a Nofc! 
 No arfrous Pajjion with deep Knowledge thrives j 
 *Tis the Complaint, indeed \ ef all our Wives! 
 
 'Tis
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 *Tis faid Virtu to fuch a Height is grown. 
 
 All Artifts are encouraged but our own. 
 
 Be not deceived, I here declare on Oath, 
 I never yet fold Goods of foreign Growth: 
 Ne'er fent Commiffions out to Greece or Rome ; 
 My left Antiquities are made at Home. 
 I've Romans, Greeks, Italians near at hand t 
 'True Batons all and living in the Strand. 
 I ne'er for Trinkets rack my Pericranium, 
 They furnijh out my Room from Herculaneum. 
 
 But hujh 
 
 Should it be known that Englifh are employ'd, 
 Our Manufacture is at once deftrofd ; 
 No Matter what our Countrymen deferve y 
 They'll thrive as Ancients, but as Moderns fiarve - 
 If we Jhould fall to you it will be owing ; 
 Farewell to Arts they're going, going, going; 
 The fatal Hammer's in your Hand^ oh Town ! 
 Tfanfet Us up and knock the POET down. 
 
 Dramatis
 
 
 Dramatis Perfonse, 1753. 
 
 Carmine* 
 Puff, 
 Brum, 
 Novice, 
 
 Mr. Palmer, 
 Mr. Yates. 
 Mr. Crofs. 
 Mr. Blakes. 
 
 ' 
 
 Lord Dupe, 
 
 Mr. Shuter. 
 
 
 Alderman Pentweazel, 
 
 Mr. Tafwell. 
 
 
 Caleb, 
 
 Mr, Coftollo. 
 
 
 Boy, 
 
 Majier Crofs. 
 
 
 Lady Pentweazel, 
 
 Mr. Worfdale. 

 
 T AS T E. 
 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 A r> T T 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 S C E N E I. A Painting Room. 
 Enter CARMINE, followed by the Boy. 
 
 L 
 
 CARMINE. Y AY thefe Colours in 
 the Window, by the 
 Pallet. Any Vifitors 
 or MefTages ? 
 Boy. 'Squire ~Felltree has been here, and 
 infifts upon Mifs Racket's Pidures being 
 immediately finifh'd, and carry'd Home = 
 As to his Wife and Children, he fays, you 
 may take your own Time. 
 
 Carrn*
 
 2 TASTE. 
 
 Carm. Well 
 
 Boy. Here has been a MefTage too, from 
 
 my Lady Pen I can't remember her 
 
 Name, but 'tis upon the Slate. She de- 
 fires to know if you will be- at Home about 
 Noon. 
 
 1 Carm. Fetch it, (Exit Boy. 
 
 Was the Whole of our Profeffton confined 
 to the mere Bufinefs of it, the Employ- 
 ment would be pleating as well as profit-^ 
 able ; but as^Matters are new managed, the 
 Art is the laft thing to be regarded. Fa- 
 mily Connections, private Recommendations, 
 and an eafy, genteel Method of Flattering, 
 is to fupply the Delicacy of a Guide, the 
 Colouring of a Reubens, and the Defign of 
 
 a Raphael all their Qualities centring 
 
 in one Man, without the firft Rcquifites, 
 would be ufelefs ; and with thefe, not one of 
 them is neceffary, 
 
 Enter Boy with the Slate. 
 
 Carm. Lei's fee Oh I Lady Pent- 
 
 weazel from Bloivbladder^ftreet Admit 
 
 her by all Means ; and if Puff or Farni/f} 
 (hould come, I am 1 at Home. (Exit Boy. 
 Lady Pentweazel 7 ha ! ha ! Now here's a 
 Proof that Avarice is not the only, or laft 
 Paffion Old Age is fubjeft to - this fuper^- 
 annuated Beldame gapes for Flattery, like 
 
 a Nell
 
 TASTE. $ 
 
 a Neft of unfledg'd Crows for Food ; and 
 with them, too, gulps down every thing 
 
 that's offer'd her no matter how coarfe i 
 
 well, (he fhall be fed; I'll make her my 
 introductory Key to the whole Bench of Al~ 
 derm en. 
 
 Enter Boy with Puff. 
 
 Boy. Mr. Puff, Sir. 
 
 Carm. Let us be private. What have you 
 there ? 
 
 Puff. Two of Rembrandt's etching by 
 Scrape, in May's Buildings ; a paltry Affair, 
 a poor Ten Guinea Job ; however, a fmall 
 
 Game you know the Proverb What 
 
 became of you Yefterday ? 
 
 Carm. I was detained by Sir PofijmeB&&* 
 lie. How went the Pictures ? The Guido, 
 what did that fetch ? 
 
 Puff. One hundred and thirty. 
 
 Carm. Hum ! Four Guineas the Frame, 
 Three the Painting -, then we divide juft One 
 hundred and twenty-three. 
 
 Puff. Hold not altogether fo faft 
 
 Varnijh had two Pieces for bidding againft 
 Squander -, and Brujb five, for bringing Sir 
 Tawdry trifle. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well ; look ye, Mr. Puff, 
 if thefe People are eternally quartered upon 
 
 us,
 
 4 TASTE. 
 
 us, 1 declare off, Sir -, they eat up the Profit* 
 
 There's that damn'd Brujh but you'll 
 
 find him out. I have upon his old Plan 
 given him Copies of all the Work I executed 
 upon his Recommendation; and' what was 
 the, Confequence ? He clandeftinely fold the 
 Copies, and I have all the Originals in my 
 Lumber- Room. 
 
 Puff. Come, come, Carmine, you are no 
 great Lofer by that. r H ! that Lumber- 
 Room ! that Lumber-Room out of Re- 
 pair, is the beft condition'd Eftate in the 
 County of Middlefex. Why ndw there's 
 your Siifanriah ; it could not have produc'd 
 you above Twenty at moft, and by the Ad- 
 dition of your Lumber-Room Dirt, and the 
 falutary Application of the 'Spaltham Pot, 
 it became a Guido, worth a hundred and 
 thirty Pounds ; befides, in all Traffick of 
 this Kind, there muft be Combinations. 
 Varnifi and- Erufh are our Jackalls, and 
 it is but fair they mould partake of the 
 Prey. Courage, my Boy ! never fear ! Praife 
 be to Folly and Falhion, there are, in this : 
 Town, Dupes enough to gratify tHe Avarice 
 of us all. 
 
 Carm. Mr. Puff, you are ignorant and fcur- 
 rflous, and'very impertinent, Mr. Puff'; and, 
 Mr Puff, I have a ftrange Mind to leave you 
 to yourfelves, and then fee what a Hand you 
 
 would rriake of it Sir, if I do now and 
 
 then
 
 TASTE. 5 
 
 then add fome Tin&s of Antiquity to my 
 Pictures, I do it in Condefcenfion to the Foi- 
 ble of the World ; for, Sir, Age, Age, Sir, is 
 all my Pictures want to render 'em as good 
 Pieces as the M afters from whom they are 
 taken ; and let me tell you, Sir, he that took 
 my Sufannah for a Guido, gave no mighty 
 Proofs of his Ignorance, Mr. Puff. 
 
 Puff. Why, thou Poft-painter, thou Dau- 
 ber, thou execrable White-wamer, thou 
 
 Sirrah, have you fb foon forgot the wretched 
 State, from whence I dragg'd yon. The firft 
 Time I fet Eyes on you, Rafcal ! what was 
 your Occupation then ? Scribbling, in fcarce 
 legible Letters, Coffee, Tea and Chocolate on 
 a Bawdy- houfe Window in Goodmans-fields. 
 
 Carm. The Meanneis of my Original de- 
 monftrates the Greatnefs of my Genius. 
 
 Puff. Genius ! Here's a Dog. Pray, how 
 high did your Genius foar ? To the daubing 
 diabolical Angels for Alehoufes, Dogs with 
 Chains for Tanners Yards, Rounds of Beef 
 and roafted Pigs for Porridge Ifland. 
 
 Carm. Hannibal Scratchi did the fame. 
 
 Puff". From that contemptible State did 
 not I raife you to the Cat and Fiddle in Pef- 
 ticoat-lane -, the Goofe and Gridiron in Pant's 
 Church-yard ; the firft live Things you ever 
 drew, Dog. 
 
 Carm. Pox take your Memory. Well, but, 
 
 Mr. Puff- you are fo - 
 
 B Puff.
 
 6 TASTE. 
 
 Puff. Nor did I quit you then : Who, Sir- 
 rah, recommended you to Prim Stif, the 
 Mercer upon Ludgate-hill -, how came you 
 to draw the Queen there ? 
 
 (Loud Knocks at the Door\ 
 
 Carm. Mr. Puff, for Heaven's fake ; dear 
 Sir, you are fo warm, we mail be blown 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy. Sir, my Lady Pen 
 
 Carm. Send her to the Show her up 
 
 Stairs. Dear Puff 
 
 Puff. Oh ! Sir, I can be calm ; I only 
 wanted to let you fee I had not forgot, tho' 
 perhaps you may. 
 
 Carm. Sir, you are very obliging. Well, 
 but now as all is over, if you will retreat a 
 
 fmall Time Lady Pentweazel fits for her 
 
 Picture, and fhe's 
 
 Puff. I have fome Bufmefs at next Door ; 
 I fuppofe in half an Hour's Time 
 
 Carm. I mall be at Leifure. Dear Puff - 
 
 Puff. Dear Carmine (Exit Puff. 
 
 Carm. Son of a Whore Boy, {hew the 
 
 Lady up Stairs. 
 
 Enter Lady Pentweazel. 
 
 Lady. Fine Pieces ! very likely Pieces ! 
 and, indeed, all alike. Hum ! Lady Fuffock 
 and, ha ! ha 1 ha ! Lady Glumfead, by all 
 
 that's
 
 TASTE. ^ 
 
 mat's ugly Pray now, Mr. Carmine, how 
 do you Limners contrive to overlook the Ug- 
 linefs, and yet preferve the Likenefs. 
 
 Carm. The Art, Madam, may be convey'd 
 in two Words -, where Nature has been fe- 
 vere, we foften -, where me has been kind, 
 we aggravate. 
 
 Lady. Very ingertus, and very kind, truly. 
 Well, good Sir, I bring you a Subject that will 
 demand the Whole of the firft Part of your 
 Skill ', and, if you are at Leifure, you may 
 begin direclly. 
 
 Carm. Your Ladyfhip is here a little un- 
 grateful to Nature, and cruel to yourfelf ; even 
 Lady PentiveazeFs Enemies (if fuch there be) 
 muft allow me is a fine Woman. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! your Servant, good Sir. Why 
 I have had my Day, Mr. Carmine -> I have 
 had my Day. 
 
 Carm. And have ftill, Madam. The only 
 Difference I (hall make between what you 
 were, and what you are, will be no more than 
 what Rubens has diftinguimed between Mary 
 de Medicis a Virgin and a Regent. 
 
 Lady. Mr. Carmine, I vow you are a very 
 judicious Perfon; I was always laid to be 
 like that Family. When my Piece was firft 
 done, the Limner did me after Venus de Me- 
 dicis, which I fuppofe might be one of Marfs 
 Sifters ; but Things muft change ; to be fit- 
 ting for my Picture at this Time of Day j 
 B 2 ha!
 
 8 TASTE. 
 
 ha ! ha ! but my Daughter Sukey, you muft 
 know, is juft married to Mr. Deputy Drip- 
 ping, of Gandlewick-Ward, and would not be 
 faid nay ; fo it is not fo much for the Beauty, 
 as the Similitude. Ha ! ha ! 
 
 Carm. True, Madam ; ha ! ha ! but if I 
 hit the Likenefs, I muft preferve the Beauty. 
 
 Will your Ladymip be feared, f She Jits. 
 Lady. I have heard, good Sir, that every 
 
 Body has a more betterer and more worferer 
 Side of the Face than the other now which 
 will you chufe ? 
 
 Carm. The Right Side, Madam the 
 Left now, if you pleafe, the Full Your 
 Ladyfhip's Countenance is fo exactly propor- 
 tion'd, that I muft have it all; no Feature 
 can be fpar'd. 
 
 Lady. Whea you come to the Eyes, Mr. 
 Carmine, let me know, that I may cail up a 
 Look. 
 
 Carm. Mighty well, Madam Your Face 
 a little nearer to the Left , nearer me your 
 Head more up Shoulders back and 
 Che ft forward. 
 
 Lady. Blefs me, Mr. Carmine, don't mind 
 my Shape this Bout ; for I'm only in Jumps. 
 
 Shall I fend for my Tabbys. 
 
 Carm. No, Madam, we'll fupply that for 
 the prefent Your Lady (hip was juft now 
 mentioning a Daughter Is me your Face 
 a little more towards me Is the the fole 
 
 Inhe-
 
 TASTE. 9 
 
 Inheritor of her Mother's Beauty ? Or 
 have you 
 
 Lady. That ? ha ! ha 1 ha ! why that's 
 my youngeft of all, except Caleb. I have 
 had, Mr. Carmine, live born, and chriften'd 
 flay don't let me lye now One 
 
 Two Three Four Five Then I 
 
 lay fallow but the Year after I had 
 
 Twins they came in Mr. Penfiveaze/'s 
 
 Sheriftralty ; then Roger, then Robin, then 
 
 Reuben in ihort, I have had twenty as 
 
 fine Babes, as ever trod in Shoe of Leather. 
 
 Carm. Upon my Word, Madam, your La- 
 dyfhip is an admirable Member of the Com- 
 monwealth ; 'tis a thoufand Pities that, like 
 the Romans, we have not fome Honours to 
 reward fuch diftinguim'd Merit. 
 
 Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, if Breeding 
 amongft Chriftians was as much encouraged 
 as amongft Dogs and Horfes, we need not be 
 making Laws to let in a Parcel of outlandifh 
 Locufts to eat us all up, 
 
 Carm. I am told, Madam, that a Bill for 
 fome fucK Purpofe is about to pafs, and that 
 we begin now to have almoft as much Re* 
 gard for the Propagation of the Species, as 
 the Prefervatiori of the Game in thefe King- 
 doms Now, Madam, I am come to the 
 Eyes Oh ! that Look, that, that, I mud: 
 4efp air of imitating. 
 
 B 3 Lady.
 
 io TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Oh ! oh ! good Sir, have you found 
 out that ? Why all my Family by the Mo^ 
 ther's Side were famous for their Eyes : I 
 have a Great Aunt among the Beauties at 
 Windfor; me has a Sifter at Hampton -Court, 
 a perdlgious fine Woman me had but one 
 Eye, indeed, but that was a Piercer ; that 
 one Eye got her three Hufbands we were 
 called the gimlet-ey'd Family. Oh ! Mr. 
 Carmine, you need not mind thefe Heats in 
 my Face ; they always difcharge themfelves 
 
 about Chrlftmas my true Carnation is 
 
 not feen in my Countenance. That's Carna- 
 tion ! Here's your Flefh and Blood ! (fiewing 
 ber Arm. 
 
 Carm. Delicate, indeed ! finely turn'd, and 
 of a charming Colour ! 
 
 Lady. And yet it has been employ'd enough 
 to fpoil the beft Hand and Arm in the World. 
 
 Even before Marriage never idle ; none 
 
 of your galloping, gofibping, Rane/agbRomps, 
 like the forward Minxes of the prefent Age. 
 I was always employed either in painting 
 your Lamjkipt, playing upon the Hafpicols, 
 
 making Pafte, or fomething or other All 
 
 our Family had a Geno j and then I fung ! 
 Every Body faid I had a monftrous fine Voice 
 for Muiick. 
 
 Carm. That may be difcern'd by your La- 
 dyfhip's Tones in Convention. 
 
 Lady.
 
 TASTE. it 
 
 "Lady. Tones you are right, Mr. Car- 
 mine; that was Mr. Purcel's Word. Mifs 
 Molly Grijkln, fays he (my Maiden Name) 
 you have Tones. 
 
 Carm. As your Ladyfhip has preferved 
 every thing elfe fo well, I dare fwear you 
 have not loft your Voice. Will you favour 
 me with an Air ? 
 
 Lady. Oh ! Sir, you are fo polite, that it's 
 
 impofHble But I have none of your new 
 
 Pl'ayhoufe Songs 1 can give you one that 
 
 was made on myfelf by Laurence Luteftrmg, 
 a Neighbour's Son. 
 
 Carm. What you pleafe, Madam. 
 
 Lady : 
 
 As I was a walking by the Side of a River, 
 I met a young Damfelfo charming and clever*, 
 Her Voice to pleafe It could not fail, 
 She fung like any Nightingale. 
 
 Fal, de, rol; hugh, hugh, &c. 
 
 Blefs me ! I have fuch a Cough ; but there 
 are Tones. 
 
 Carm. Inimitable ones. 
 
 Lady. But, Mr. Carmine, you Limners are 
 all Ingenus Men you iing. 
 
 Carm. A Ballad, or fo, Madam ; Mufick 
 is a Sifter Art ; and it would be a h'ttle unnatu- 
 ral not to cultivate an Acquaintance there. 
 
 Lady. Why truly we ought not to be afha- 
 med of our Relations, unlefs they are poor ; 
 
 and then, you know 
 
 B 4 Enter
 
 12 TASTE. 
 
 Enter Boy. 
 
 Boy. Alderman Pent-weazel, and Mr. Pujf\ 
 Lady. Oh ! he was to call upon me ; we 
 go to the Auction. DejQre him to walk up 
 Mr. Pentiveazel, you muft know, went this 
 Morning to meet Caleb, my youngeft Boy, 
 at the Bull and Gate. The Child has been 
 two Years and three Quarters at School with 
 Dr. Jerky near Doncafter, and comes To-day 
 by the Tork Waggon ; for it has always 
 been my Maxum, Mr. Carmine, to give my 
 Children Learning enough ; for, as the old 
 Saying is, 
 
 V/hen Houfe and Land are gone andfpent, 
 Then Learning is moft excellent. 
 
 Carm. Your Ladyfhtp is quite right. Too 
 much Money cannot be employed in fo ma- 
 terial an Article. 
 
 Lady. Nay, the Coft is but fmall ; but 
 poor Ten Pounds a Year for Head, Back, 
 Books, Bed, and Belly ; and they fay the 
 Children are all wonderful Latin ers, and come 
 up, lack-a day, they come up as fat as Pigs. 
 
 Oh ! here they are ; Odds me ! he's a 
 
 Thumper. You fee, Mr. Carmine^ I breed 
 no Starvelings. Come hither, Child. Mind 
 your Haviours. Where's your beft Bow ? 
 Turn out your Toes. One would think he 
 had learnt to dance of his Father. I'm fure 
 my Family were none fo awkward. There 
 
 was
 
 TASTE. 13 
 
 was my Brother George, a perfect Picture of a 
 Man ; he danc'd, Lud ! But come, all in 
 good Time Hold up thy Head, Caleb. 
 
 Aid. Pr'ythee, fweet Honey, let the Child 
 alone. His Mafter fays he comes on won- 
 derful in his Learning ; and as to your Bows 
 and your Congees, never fear, he'll learn them 
 faft enough at Home. 
 
 Lady. Lack-a-day ! well faid We now 
 
 If he does, I know who muft teach him. 
 Well, Child, and doft remember me ? Hey ? 
 Who am I ? 
 
 Caleb. Anon ? 
 
 Lady. Doft know me ? 
 
 Caleb. Yes ; you be Mother. 
 
 Lady. Nay, the Boy had always a good 
 Memory. And what haft learnt, Caleb, hey ? 
 
 Caleb. I be got into SEfofs Fables, and can 
 fay all As in prcefenti by Heart. 
 
 Lady. Upon my Word that's more than 
 ever thy Father could. 
 
 Aid. Nay, nay, no Time has been loft ; I 
 queftion'd the Lad as we came along ; I afk'd 
 him himfelf 
 
 Lady. Well, well; fpeak when you are 
 fpoken to, Mr. Alderman, How often muft 
 
 I Well, Caleb, and hadft a good deal of 
 
 Company in the Waggon, Boy ? 
 
 Caleb. O Law ! Powers of Company, Mo- 
 ther. There was Lord Germans fat Cook, 
 a Blackamore Drumming Man, two Actor 
 
 People,
 
 14 TASTE. 
 
 People, a Recruiting Serjeant, a Monkey, 
 and I. 
 
 Lady. Upon my Word, a pretty Parcel. 
 
 Caleb. Yes, indeed j but the the fat 
 Cook got drunk at Coventry, and fo fell out 
 at the Tail of the Waggon ; fo we left me 
 behind. The next Day the Serjeant ran away 
 with the Showman's Wife; the t'other two 
 went after ; fo only the Monkey and 1 came 
 to Town together. 
 
 Carm. Upon my Word, the young Gentle- 
 man gives a good Account of his Travels. 
 
 Lady. Ay, ay, Mr. Carmine, he's all over 
 the Blood of the Grijkins. I warrant the Child 
 will make his Way. Go, Caleb, go and look at 
 them pretty Paintings Now, Mr. Carmine^ 
 let us fee if my good Man can find me out. 
 
 Jlld. Lack-a-day ; well, I profefs they are 
 all fo handfome, that I am puzzled to know 
 which is thine, Chuck. 
 
 Puff. I am furprized at your Want of Dif-r 
 cernment, Mr. Alderman -, but the Poiferlion 
 of a Jewel deftroys its Value with the Wearer ; 
 now to me it feems impoffible to err ; and 
 tho' Mr. Carmine is generally fuccefsful, in this 
 Inftance he is particularly happy. Where 
 can you meet with that Mixture of Fire and 
 Softnefs, but in the Eyes of Lady Pentwea* 
 zel? 
 
 Lady. Oh, Sir! 
 
 ftf.
 
 TASTE. 15 
 
 Puff. That Clearnefs and Delicacy of Com- 
 plexion, with that Flow of Ruddinefs and 
 Health. 
 
 Lady. Sir! Sir! Sir! 
 
 Puff. That Fall of Shoulders, Turn of 
 Neck, fet on Head, full Cheft, taper Watte, 
 plump 
 
 Lady. Spare me, fweet Sir ! You fee, 
 
 Mr, Pentweazel, other People can find out my 
 
 Charms, tho' you overlook them Well, I 
 
 profefs, Sir, you are a Gentleman of great Di* 
 cernment ; and if Bufinefs mould bring you 
 into the City; for, alas 1 what Pleafure can 
 bring a Man of your refined Tafte there ! 
 
 Puff. Oh ! Ma'am ! 
 
 Lady. I fay, Sir, if fuch an Accident 
 mould happen, and Blowbladder-Jireet has 
 any Charms 
 
 Puff. Oh ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Ma'am ! 
 Ma'am ! 
 
 Lady. It is not impoflible but we may re* 
 ceive you, tho' not equal to your Merits 
 
 Puff. Ma'am! 
 
 Lady. Yet in fuch a Manner as to mew our 
 Senfe of them. Sir, I'm your very obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your Ladymip's moft 
 
 Lady. Not a Step. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am 
 
 Lady. Sir Mr. Alderman, your Bow 
 
 to the Gentleman. The very finefl. 
 
 Puff. Ma'am! 
 
 Lady*
 
 16 TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Sir Your moft obedient. 
 
 Puff. Your devoted. (Ex. Aid. W Wife. 
 
 Carm. Ha ! ha ! Well laid, Puff. What 
 a Calamity haft thou drawn upon the Knight ! 
 Thou haft fo tickled the Vanity of the Harra- 
 dan, that the poor Helpmate will experience 
 a double Portion of her Contempt. 
 
 Puff. Rot them. 
 
 Carm. Come, Puffy a matrimonial ArTift- 
 ant to a rich Alderman is no contemptible 
 Employment. 
 
 Puff. Ay, if it were a Sine Cure. 
 
 Carm. No, that you muft not expe<fl ; but 
 unlefs I am greatly miftaken in the Language 
 of the Eyes, her Ladyfhip's were addrefs'd to 
 you with moft perfuafive Tender nefs. . 
 
 Puff, Well, of that hereafter But to 
 
 our Bufinefs. The Auction is about begin- 
 ning ; and I have promifed to meet Mr. Da.- 
 vid Dujledorpe, Sir Pofitroe Bubble, and Lord 
 Dupe, to examine the Pictures, and fix on 
 
 thole for whom they are to bid But 
 
 fmce, we have fettled the German Plan ; fo 
 Varnijh or Brufh muft attend them. 
 
 Carm. Oh ! by all Means purfue that. You 
 have no Conception how dear the foreign Ac- 
 cent is to your true Virtuofo j it announces 
 Tafte, Knowledge, Veracity, and, in more, 
 
 every thing But can you enough difguiie 
 
 the Turn of your Face, and Tone of your 
 Voice ; a Difcovery of Mr. Puff in Mynheer 
 Qroningen blafts us at once. p n-
 
 TASTE- 17 
 
 Puff. Never fear me. I wim you may 
 have equal Succefs in the Part of Canto. 
 
 Carm. Pho ! mine's a Trifle. A Man mutt 
 have very (lender Abilities indeed, who can't 
 for ten Minutes imitate a Language and De- 
 portment that he has been Witnefs to for ten 
 Years. 
 
 Puff. But you muft get their Tones, their 
 Tones ; 'tis eafy enough. Come, hand up 
 here that there Corregio -, an inimitable Piece, 
 Gentlemen and Ladies : the very bed Work 
 of the beft Mafter, Subject agreeable, highly 
 finifhed, and well preferved ; a Seat for the 
 Ladies -, hand it to Sir Ptfiti<ue -, a going for 
 fifty ; fpeak, or it's gone for fifty : Joy to your 
 Ladyfhip : Come, the next. But remember, 
 let your Bob be bufhy, and your Bow low. 
 
 Carm. Enough, enough ; we are Strangers 
 to each other, you know. 
 
 Puff. Abfolute. Oh ! but what Piftures of 
 yours are in the Sale ? 
 
 Carm. There's my Holy Family by Ra- 
 phael-, the Marriage in Cana by Reuben Rouge ; 
 Tom Jackfons Tenters ; and for Bufts, Tay- 
 lors Head without a Nofe from Herculaneum. 
 
 Puff. Are the antique Seals come Home ? 
 
 Carm. No; but they will be frnilh'd by 
 next Week. 
 
 Puff. You muft take Care of Novices Col- 
 lection of Medals he'll want them by the 
 End of the Month . 
 
 Carm.
 
 i8 T A S T fi. 
 
 Carm. The Coins of the firJfl Emperors ar 
 now fleeping in Copperas; and I have ail 
 Othoy a Galba, a Nero, and two Domitians 
 
 leaking from the Dunghill. The reft we 
 
 can have from Dodlor Mummy ; a never fail- 
 ing Chap, you know. 
 
 Puff. Adieu. 
 
 Carm. Yours, Sir a tfdublefome Fel- 
 low, this - confounded Memory uie- 
 
 fill, tho' Rounds of Beef and roafted Pigs ! 
 
 muft get rid of him Ay, but when ? 
 
 Why when ? when I have gain'd 
 
 my Point. But how, how then ? Oh, 
 
 then it does not iignify Two Pence. 
 
 End qf the FIRST ACT, 
 
 ACT
 
 TASTE. 19 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter Puff as Monfieur Baron de Groningen> 
 Carmine as Canto, and Brufh. 
 
 CANTO. /^O ME, buftle, buflle. Erujh t 
 \^A you introduce Puff. Puff, hovtf 
 are you in your German ? 
 
 Puff. I canno fpeak for Englandt, but I can 
 mak underftand very mightily. Will that do? 
 
 Brufh. To a Hair. Remember you are 
 come hitherto purchafe Pictures for the Elector 
 of Bavaria. Carmine, you muft clap Lord 
 Dupe's Coat of Arms on that half Length of 
 Erafmus ; I have fold it him, as his Great 
 Grandfather's third Brother, for fifty Guineas. 
 
 Canto. It mall be done. Be it my Pro- 
 vince to eftablifh the Baron's Reputation as a 
 ConnoifTeur. Bruflj has feen you Abroad at 
 the Court of the reigning Prince of Blantin. 
 
 Puff. Yes ; I was do Bufinefs mightily for 
 Prince Blantin. 
 
 Brufo. Your Portraits go firft, Carmine. 
 Novice, Sir Pofttive Bubble, Jack Squander, 
 Lord Dupe, and Mordecai Lazarus, the Jew 
 Broker, have appointed me to examine with 
 them the Hiftory Pieces. Which are molt 
 likely to flick ? " 
 
 Canto.
 
 20 
 
 T A S f fi. 
 
 Canto. Here's a Lift. 
 
 Brufh. Hum, hide the Erafmus, I hear t!i 
 Company on the Stairs. 
 
 (Exit Carmine, and re-enter anon* 
 
 Enter Lord Dupe, Bubble, Squander, &c* 
 
 Lord. Mr. Brufh, I am your devoted Ser- 
 vant. You have procured rny Anceftor. 
 
 Brujh. It is in my PofTeilion, my Lord -, 
 and I have the Honour to afTure your Lord- 
 fhip, that the Family Features are very dif- 
 cernible ; and allowing for the Difference of 
 Drefs, there's a ftrong Likenefs between you 
 and your Predeceffor. 
 
 Lord. Sir, you have oblig'd me. All thefe you 
 have mark'd in the Catalogue are Originals ? 
 
 Brujh. Undoubted. But, my Lord, you need 
 not depend folely on my Judgment ; here'sMyn- 
 heer Baron de Groningen, who is come hither 
 to lurvey, and purchafe for the Elector of Ba^ 
 varia ; an indifputable Connoifkur ; his Bid^ 
 ding will be a Direction for your Lordfhip. 'Tis 
 a thoufand Pities that any of thefe Matters 
 fhould c^mt England. They were conducted hi- 
 ther at an immenfe Expence ; and if they now 
 leave us, what will it be but a public Decla- 
 ration, that all Tafte and liberal Knowledge 
 is vaniih'd from amongft us ? 
 
 Lord. Sir leave the fupport of the natio- 
 nal Credit to my Care. Could you introduce 
 me to Mynheer ? Does he (peak Englljh ? 
 
 Brujh.
 
 TASTE. 
 
 21 
 
 Brujh. Not fluently, but fo as to be under- 
 load. Mynheer, Lord Dupe the Patron of 
 Arts, the Petromus for Tafte, and for well- 
 timed Generofity, the Leo and the Maecenas 
 - of the prefent Age, defires to know you. 
 
 Puff. Sir, you honour me very mightily. I 
 was hear of Lord Dupes in Holland?. I was 
 tell he was one Delatant, one Curicufe, one 
 Precieufe of his Country. 
 
 Lord. The Dutch are an obliging, civilized, 
 well-bred, pretty kind of People. But, pray 
 Sir, what occaiions us the Honour of a Vifit 
 from you ? 
 
 Puff. I was come to bid for Paints for de 
 Elector of Bavaria. 
 
 Lord. Are there any here that deferve your 
 Attention ? 
 
 Puff. O ! dare are good Pieces ; but dare is 
 one I likes mightily j the off Sky, and home 
 Track is fine, and the Maifter is in it. 
 Lord. What is the Subject: ? 
 Puff. Dat I know not -, vat I minds, vat 
 you call the Draws and the Colors. 
 
 Lord. Mr. Canto, what is the Subject ? 
 Canto. It is, my Lord, St. Anthony of Padua 
 exorcifmg the Devil out of a Ram-Cat 5 it has 
 a Companion fomewhere Oh ! here, which 
 is the fame Saint in a Wildernefs, reading his 
 Breviary by the Light of a Glow-worm. 
 
 Brufh. Invaluable Pictures, both ! and will 
 match your Lordfhip's Corregio in the Saloon. 
 C Lord.
 
 2 TASTE. 
 
 Lord. I'll have them. What Pidures arc 
 thofe, Mr. Canto ? 
 
 Canto. They are not in the Sale ; but 1 fancy 
 I could procure them for your Lordfhip. 
 
 Lord. This, I prefume, might have been a 
 Landlkip -, but the Water, and the Men, and 
 the Trees, and the Dogs, and the Ducks, and 
 the Pigs, they are all obliterated, all gone. 
 
 Brufh. An indifputable Mark of its Anti- 
 quity j its very Merit -, befides, a little Var- 
 nifh will fetch the Figures again. 
 
 Lord. Set it down for me The next. 
 
 Canto. That is a Mofes in the Bulrufhes. 
 The blended Joy and Grief in the Figure of the 
 Sifter in the Corner, the Diftrefs and Anxiety 
 of the Mother here, and the Beauty and Be- 
 nevolence viPbaraol)* Daughter, are Circum- 
 flances happily imagined, and boldly exprefs'd. 
 
 Brufh. Lack-a-day, 'tis but a modern Per- 
 formance ; the Mafter is alive, and an Eng- 
 lifkman 
 
 Lord. Oh ! then I would not give it Houfe- 
 Room. 
 
 Puff. Here is a pretty Piece I find ftick up 
 here in de Corner : I was fee in Hollandt, at 
 Loo t a Piece mighty like -, there was little 
 Mices, that was nibble, nibble, nibble, upon 
 vat you call Frumage, and little Shurels all 
 with brufh Tails ran up de Trees : and there 
 was great Things, vat you call Pfhaw, that 
 have long Bearts, and cry Ba,
 
 TASTE. 23 
 
 Brufh. What, Goats? 
 
 Puff. Ay, dat was de Name. 
 
 Lord. I mould think, by the Cheefe and 
 the Goats, Mynheer, yours was a Welch Piece, 
 inflead of a Dutch. 
 
 Puff. Ah, 'twas goot Piece. I wifh to my 
 Heart, Lord Dupes was have that Piece. 
 
 Enter Novice. 
 
 Novice. Where's Mr. Brufh ? My dear 
 Brujh, am I too late ? 
 
 Brufh. In pretty good Time. 
 
 Nov. May I lofe my Otbo, or be tumbled 
 from my Phaeton the firft Time I j eh up my 
 Sorrels, if I have not made more Hafte than 
 a young Surgeon to his firft Labour. But the 
 Lots, the Lots, my dear Brujh, what are 
 they ? I'm upon the Rack of Impatience till 
 I fee them, and in a Fever of Deiire till I 
 poffefs them. 
 
 Brufh. Mr. Canto, the Gentleman would 
 be glad to fee the Bufts, Medals, and precious 
 Reliques, of Greece and ancient Rome . 
 
 Canto. Perhaps, Sir, we may mow him 
 fomething of greater Antiquity Bring them 
 forward The firft Lot confifts of a Hand 
 without an Arm, the firfl Joint of the Fore- 
 Finger gone, fuppofed to be a Limb of the 
 Apollo Delphos The fecond, half a Foot, 
 with the Toes entire, of the Juno Lucina * 
 The third, the Caduceus of the Mercurius In~ 
 C 2. f emails
 
 24 TASTE, 
 
 f emails The fourth, the half of the Leg of 
 the Infant Hercules-^ indisputable An- 
 tiques, and of the Memphian Marble. 
 
 Puff. Let me fee "Junos half Foot. All 
 the Toes entire ? 
 
 Canto. All. 
 
 - Puff. Here is a little Swelt by this Toe, 
 that looks bad Proportion. 
 
 All. Hey, hey. 
 
 Puff. What's dat ? 
 
 Canto. That ! Pfhaw ! that f Why that's, 
 only a Corn. 
 
 All. Oh! 
 
 Puff. Corn ! dat was extreme natural -, dat 
 is fine j the Maifter is in it. 
 
 AIL Very fine ! Invaluable ! 
 
 Puff. Where is de Hercules Calf? Upon 
 my Word 'tis a very large Calf ; big, big, big, 
 all de Way up, all de Way down. 
 
 Lord. I believe this Hercules was an Irijh 
 Man. 
 
 Nov. But where are your Bufts ? Here, 
 here, Gentlemen ; here's a Curiofity ; a Me- 
 dal of Oriuna.\ got for me by Doftor Mummy ; 
 the only one in the viiible World ; there may 
 be fome under Ground. 
 
 Lord. Fine, indeed ! Will you permit me 
 to tafte if? It has the Relifh. (A/I tajh. 
 
 Nov. The Relifh! 'Zooks it coft me a 
 hundred Guineas. 
 
 Puff. By gar, it is a dear Bit, tho'. 
 
 Nov.
 
 TASTE. 25 
 
 Nov. So you may think j but three times 
 the Money mould not purchafe it. 
 
 Lord. Pray, Sir, whofe Buft is it that dig- 
 nifies this Coin ? 
 
 Nov. The Emprefs Qriuna, my Lord. 
 
 Lord. And who, Sir, might me be ? I don't 
 recoiled: to have heard of the Lady before. 
 
 Nov. She, my Lord ? Oh ! me was a kind 
 of a What d'ye call 'em a Sort of a Queen, 
 or Wife, or fomething or other to fomebody, 
 that liv'd a damn'd while ago Mummy told 
 me the whole Story; but before Gad I've for- 
 got it. But come, the Bufts. 
 
 Canto. Bring forward the Head from Her- 
 culaneu*;i. Now, Gentlemen, here is a Jewel. 
 
 AIL Ay, ay, let's fee. 
 
 Canto. 'Tis not entire, tho'. 
 
 Nov. So much the better. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir the very Mutilations 
 of this Piece are worth all the moft perfect 
 Performances of modern Artifts Now, Gen- 
 tlemen, here's a Touchftone for your Tafte ! 
 
 All, Great ! Great, indeed ! 
 
 Nov. Great ? Amazing ! Divine ! Oh, let 
 me embrace the dear difmember'd Buft ! a 
 little farther off. I'm ravim'd ! I'm tranf- 
 ported ! What an Attitude ? But then the 
 Locks ! How I adore the Simplicity of the 
 Antients ! How unlike the prelent, priggiih, 
 prick-ear'd Puppets ! How gracefully they 
 fail all adown the Cheek ! fo decent, and Ib 
 C 3 grave.
 
 26 TASTE. 
 
 grave, and Who the Devil do you think it 
 is, Brujh ? Is it a Man or a Woman ? 
 
 Canto. The Connoifleurs differ. Some will 
 have it to be the Jupiter Tonans of Phidias 
 and others the Venus of Paphos from Praxi- 
 teles ; but I don't think it fierce enough for 
 the firft, nor handfome enough for the laft. 
 
 Nov. Yes, handfome enough. 
 
 All. Very handfome ; handfome enough. 
 
 Canto. Not quite therefore I am inclined 
 to join with Signer 'Julio de Pampedillo, who, 
 in a Treatife dedicated to the King of theTwo 
 Sicilies, calls it the Serapis of the /Egyptians, 
 and fuppofes it to have been fabricated about 
 eleven hundred and three Years before the 
 Mofaic Account of the Creation. 
 
 Nov. Prodigious ! and I dare fwear, true. 
 
 All. Oh ! true, very true. 
 
 Puff. Upon my Honour, 'tis a very fine 
 Buft y but where is de Nofe ? 
 
 Nov. The Nofe ; what care I for the Nofe ? 
 Where is de Nofe ? Why, Sir, if it had a Nofe, 
 I would not give Six-pence for it How the 
 Devil mould we diftinguim the Works of the 
 Antients, if they were perfect ? The Nofe, 
 indeed ! Why I don't fuppofe, now, but, bar- 
 ring the Nofe, Roubiliac could cut as good a 
 Head every whit Brujh, who is this Man 
 with his Nofe ? The Fellow mould know 
 fomething of fomething too, for he fpeaks 
 broken Eng/ifhi 
 
 BruJJj.
 
 TASTE. 27 
 
 Erufh. It is Mynheer Gronmgen, a great 
 ConnoifTeur in Painting. 
 
 Nov. That may be ; but as to Sculpture, I 
 am his very humble Servant. A Man muft 
 know damn'd little of Statuary, that diflikes 
 a Buft for want of a Nofe. 
 
 Canto. Right, Sir The Nofe itfelf with- 
 out the Head, nay, in another's Poffeffion, 
 would be an Eftate But here are behind, 
 Gentlemen and Ladies, an Equcftrian Statue 
 of Marcus Aurelius without the Horfe ; and a 
 compleat Statue of the Emperor Trajan, with 
 only the Head and Legs miffing ; both from 
 Herculaneum. This Way, Gentlemen and 
 Ladies. 
 
 E;//^rZ/tf^xPentweazel, Alderman, andCaltb. 
 
 Lady. Now, Mr. Pentweazel, let us have 
 none of your Blowbladder Breeding. Remem- 
 ber you are at the Court-End of the Town. 
 This is a Quality Auction 
 
 Aid. Where of courfe nothing is fold that 
 is ufeful. I am tutor'd, fweet Honey. 
 
 Lady. Caleb, keep behind, and don't be 
 meddling. Sir (To Brum. 
 
 Erufh. Your Pleafure, Ma'am ? 
 
 Lady. I mould be glad you would inform 
 me if there are any Lots of very fine old China. 
 I find the Quality are grown infinitely fond of 
 it - y and I am willing to mow the World, that 
 we in the City have Tafte. 
 
 C 4 Brujb.
 
 2 3 TASTE. 
 
 Brujh. 'Tis a laudable Refolution, Ma'am j 
 and, I dare fay, Mr. Canto can fnpply 
 Blels me, what's that ? 
 
 ^Caleb throws down a China Dijh. 
 Lady. That Boy, I fuppofe ! Well, if the 
 miichievous Brat has not broke a and look 
 how he (lands Sirrah, Sirrah, did I not bid 
 you not meddle Leave fuckingyour Thumbs. 
 What, I fuppoie you learnt that Trick of your 
 Friend the Monkey in the Waggon ? 
 
 Caleb. Indeed I did not go to do it, Mother. 
 Aid. Prythee, fweet Honey, don't be fo paf- 
 fionate. What's done can't be undone. The 
 Lofs is not great; come, come. 
 
 Brujh. Mr. Alderman is in the right. The 
 Affair is a Trifle ; but a twenty Guinea Job. 
 
 Lady. Twenty Guineas ! You mould have 
 twenty of my Teeth as 
 
 Canto. You mean if you had them Your 
 Ladymip does not know the Value of that Piece 
 of China. It is the right old Japan of the pea- 
 green Kind. Lady Mandarin offer'd me, if I 
 could match it, fourfcore Guineas for the Pair. 
 Lord. A fine Piece, indeed ! 
 Puff. 'Tis ver fine ! 
 
 Caleb. Indeed, Father, I did not break it. 
 'Twas crack'd in the Middle, and fo fell a two 
 in my Hand. 
 
 Lady. What, was it crack'd ? 
 Caleb. Yes, indeed, Mother. 
 Lady. There, Gentlemen ! 
 
 Lord.
 
 TASTE. 29 
 
 Lord. Ma'am, I would willingly fet you 
 right in this Affair j you don't feem ac- 
 quainted with thefe Kinds of Things ; there- 
 fore, I have the Honour to tell you, that the 
 Crack in the Middle is a Mark of it's An- 
 tiquity, and enhances it's Value ; and thefe 
 Gentlemen are, I dare fay, of the fame O- 
 pinion. 
 
 All. Oh, intirely. 
 
 Lady. You are all of a Gang, I think. A 
 broken Piece of China better than a whole 
 one ! 
 
 Lord. Ma'am, I never difpute with a Lady; 
 but this Gentleman has Tafte j he is a Fo- 
 reigner, and fo can't be thought prejudiced; 
 refer it to him ; the Day grows late, and I 
 want the Audion to begin. 
 
 Aid. Sweet Honey, leave it to the Gentle- 
 man. 
 
 Lady. Well, Sir. 
 
 Puff. Madam, I love to ferve de Lady. Tis 
 a ver fine Piece of China. I was fee fuch ano- 
 ther Piece fell at Amjlerdam for a hundred 
 Ducats. 'Tis ver well worth twenty Gui- 
 nea. 
 
 Caleb. Mother! Father! Never flir if 
 
 that Gentleman beri't the fame that we fee'd 
 at the Painting Man's, that was fo zivil to 
 Mother, only he has got a black Wig on, and 
 fpeaks outlandifh. I'll be fur enough if it en't 
 a May-game. 
 
 Lady.
 
 3 o TASTE. 
 
 Lady. Hey ! Let me die but the Boy's in the 
 right. My Dear, as I'm alive, Mr. Puff, that 
 we fa w at the Limner's. I told you he was a more 
 cleverer Man than I ever faw. Caleb is right ; 
 fome Matter of Merriment, I warrant. 
 
 Puff. I wifhit was. (AJide.) I no underftand. 
 
 Canto. So, Matter Puff, you are caught. 
 
 (Afide. 
 
 Lord. This is a moft unfortunate old Lady. 
 Ma'am, you are here under another Mif- 
 take. This is Mynheer Baron de 
 
 Lady. Mynheer Figs-end. Can't I believe 
 my own Eyes ? What, do you think, becaufe 
 we live in the City, we can't fee ? 
 
 Nov. Fire me, my Lord, there may be more 
 in this than we can guefs. It's worth exami- 
 ning into. Come, Sir, if you are Mynheer, 
 who the Devil knows you ? 
 
 Puff. I was know Maifter Canto mightily. 
 
 Nov. Mr. Canto, do you know this Baron? 
 
 Canto. I fee the Dog will be detected, and 
 now is my Time to be even with him for his 
 Rounds of Beef and roafting Pigs. (Afide.) I 
 can't fay I ever faw the Gentleman before. 
 
 Nov. Oh, oh! 
 
 Lord. The Fellow is an Importer ; a pal- 
 pable Cheat. Sir, I think you came from the 
 Rhine *, pray, how mould you like walking 
 into the Thames ? 
 
 Nov. Or what think you, my Lord ? The 
 Raical complain'd but now that the Buft 
 
 wanted
 
 TASTE. 31 
 
 wanted a Nofe ; fuppofe we were to fupply 
 the Deficiency with his? 
 
 Lord. But Juftice, Mr. Novice. 
 
 Canto. Great Rafcal, indeed, Gentlemen! If 
 Rogues of this Stamp get once a Footing in 
 thefe Affemblies, adieu to all moral Honefty. 
 I think an Example mould be made of him. 
 But, were I to advife, he is a properer Subject 
 for the Rabble to handle than the prefent 
 Company. 
 
 All. Away with him 
 
 Puff. Hands off. If I muft fuffer, it mall 
 not be fingly. Here is the obfequious Mr. 
 Erufhy and the very courtly Mr. Canfo, mall 
 be the Partners of my Diftrefs. Know then, 
 we all are Rogues, if the taking Advan- 
 tage of the Abfurdities and Follies of Man- 
 kind can be call'd Roguery. I own I have 
 been a Cheat, and I glory in it. But 
 what Point will you Virtuofi, you Con^ 
 noifTeurs, gain by the Detection ? Will not 
 the publishing of our Crimes trumpet forth 
 your Folly ? 
 
 Lord. Matchlefs Impudence ! 
 
 Puff. My noble Lord here, the Delatanti, 
 the Curieu, the Precieu of this Nation, what 
 infinite Glory will he acquire from this Story, 
 that the Leo, the Maecenas, the Petronius, 
 notwithstanding his exquifite Tafte, has been 
 drawn in to purchafe, at an immenfe Ex- 
 pence, a Cart-load of Rubbifh. 
 
 Lord,
 
 32 TASTE. 
 
 Lord. Gentlemen and Ladies I have the 
 Honour to take my Leave. 
 
 Pw^'.YourLordmip's moil obedient When 
 fhall I lend you your Corregio, your St. Anthony 
 of Padua, your Ram Cat, my good Lord ? 
 
 Lord. Rafcai. (Exit. 
 
 Nov. This won't do, Sir. Tho' my Lord 
 has not Spirit enough, damn me if I quit 
 you. 
 
 Puff. What, my fprightly Squire ! Pray fa- 
 vour me with a Sight of your Oriuna. It 
 has the Relim - y an indifputable Antique ; be- 
 ing a Briftol Far thing, coin'd by a Soap-Boiler 
 to pay his Journeymen in the Scarcity of 
 Cam, and purchafed for two Pence of a tra- 
 velling Tinker by, Sir, your humble Servant, 
 Timothy Puff. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Nov. My Oriuna a Erijlol Farthing ! 
 
 Puff. Moft affuredly. 
 
 Nov. I'll be revenged. f Going. 
 
 Puff. Stay, flay, and take your Buft, my 
 fweet Squire; your Serapis. Two Heads, they 
 fay, are better than one ; lay them together. 
 But the Locks ! how gracefully they fall all 
 adown ! ib decent, and fo ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Nov. Confound you. 
 
 Puff. Why, Sir, if it had a Nofe, I would not 
 give oix'pence for it Pray, how many Years 
 before the Creation was it fabricated, Squire ? 
 
 Nov. I fhali live to fee you hang'd, you 
 Dog. (Exit.
 
 TASTE. 33 
 
 Puff. Nay, but, Squire ; ha, ha, ha ! . 
 Now, Madam, to your Ladyfhip I come ; to 
 whofe Difcernment, aided by the Sagacity of 
 your Son Caleb, I owe my Difcovery. 
 
 Aid. Look you, don't think to abufe my 
 Lady. I am one of the 
 
 Puff. Quorum I know it, Mr. Alderman; 
 but I mean to ferve your Wormip by humbling 
 a little the Vanity of your Wife. 
 
 Lady. Come along, Chuck. I'll not ftay to 
 hear the Rafcality of the Fellow. 
 
 Puff. Oh, my Lady Pentweazet, correct 
 the Severity of that Frown, left you mould 
 have more of the Medufa than the Medicis in 
 your Face. 
 
 Lady. Saucy Jackanapes ! 
 
 Puff. What, then, I have quite loft my City 
 Acquaintance ; why, I've promifed all my 
 Friends Tickets for my Lord Mayor's Ball, 
 through your Ladyfhip's Intereft. 
 ' Lady. My Intereft, indeed, for fuch a 
 
 Puff. \iRlo f wbladder-jlreet}\'2& any Charms 
 Sir Ma'am Not a Step The 
 fineft Gentleman ! . ha, ha, ha ! And what 
 can you fay for yourfelf, you cowardly ill- 
 looking Rafcal (to Canto.) Defert your Friend 
 at the firft Pinch your Ally your Part- 
 ner No Apology, Sir I have done with 
 you. From Poverty and Shame I took you j 
 to that I reftore you. Your Crime be your 
 Punifliment, (turning to the Audience.) 
 
 Could
 
 34 TASTE. 
 
 Could I be as fecure from the Cenfure of this 
 AfTembly as I am fafe from the Refentment 
 of Dupe, Novice, Squander ; from the alluring 
 Baits of my amorous City Lady ; and the 
 dangerous Combination of my falfe Friend, I 
 fhould be happy. 
 
 9f fisfrom your Sentence I expeft my "Pate ; 
 Tour Voice alone my triumph can compkat* 
 
 F I N I S.
 
 THE 
 
 Englifliman in PARIS. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 In Two ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL in COVENT-GARDEN. 
 By SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq ; 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Pointed for PAUL VAILLANT, facing Southampton- 
 Street, in the Strand. MDCCLXIII.
 
 [ 5 3 
 
 MY Bookfeller informs me, that the Bulk of 
 his Readers, regarding in a Work of this 
 Kind the Quantity more than the Quality, will not 
 be contented without an additional half Sheet; and 
 he apprehends that a fhort Dedication will anfwer 
 the Purpofe. 
 
 BUT as I have no -Obligations to any great Man 
 or Woman in this Country, and as I will take Care 
 that no Production of mine mail want their Pa- 
 tronage, I don't know any Perfon whofe good Of- 
 fices I fo much flood in need of as my Bookfeller's : 
 Therefore, Mr. VAILLANT, I think myfelf ob- 
 liged to you for the Correctnefs of the Prefs, the 
 Beauty of the Type, and the Goodnefs pf the 
 Paper, with which you have decorated this Work 
 of 
 
 Tour bumble Servant* 
 PALL-MALL, April 21, 
 
 '753- 
 
 SAM. Foo T E. 
 
 59595
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 Between Mr. MACKLIN and his WIFE. 
 
 contradiR me \~Rlockbead ! Ideot ! Fool! 
 
 Sot! 
 HE. But amidft tbefe bard Names ', our Dispute is 
 
 forgot. 
 
 *To contra dift you I know is High-Treafon \ 
 For the Will of a Wife is always her Reafon. 
 
 SHE. JV0, Sir, for once, f II give up my Pretenfion % 
 Andfubmit to tbe Pit our Caufe of Diffention. 
 HE. I agree -, for tbe Pit is our natural Lord. 
 LADIES, - - - 
 
 SHE. - Hey! How tome you to claim tbtfrft 
 
 Word I 
 GENTLEMEN, my Hujband and I bave had a Dif- 
 
 pute, 
 
 Where tbe Difference lies 'twixt a Man and a Brute \ 
 Wbicb we beg, wbiljl the Folks far the Farce are pre- 
 
 paring, 
 
 You would pleafe to decide > and give us tbe Hearing. 
 - Hem! Hem! 
 
 After Plutarch of Rome ! and Virgil of Greece ! 
 And Iliads, and Emends, and Authors like ihefe*, 
 I boldly cffirm, deny it who can> 
 Ibat in Laughter ccnfijts tbe true Effcnce cf Man. 
 Wbitjt mj Hujband - 
 
 HE,
 
 PROLOGUE. 7 
 
 HE. Nay, -pray let me ft ate my own Cafe, -\ 
 
 And PH make it as clear as the Nofe in your Face, I 
 That hijfling in Man preferves the fir ft Place. j 
 
 To begin then -with Critics ; 'Tis their capital Blifs, 
 Than to laugh, don't you find it more pleafmg to hifs? 
 In this all agree ; Jews ! Infidels ! Turks ! 
 
 SHE. I grant it, fweet Sir, if you mean at your 
 
 Works. 
 
 Tet even 'gainjt that Tve a potent Objection ; 
 For every Ruleftill has its Exception : 
 The? they hifs'd at your Farces, your Pafquin and 
 
 Stuff, 
 
 At your Tragedy fure they laugh* d hearty enough. 
 And again, Mr. Wifeman, regard the Wcrid round, 
 Tis in Mankind alone that Laughter is found; 
 Whilftyour favourite hijfing, fage Sir, if you pleafe, 
 Ten enjoy but in common with Serpents and Geefe. 
 SHE. And ar'nt you ajhcwid-(*tis no time to dif- 
 
 femble,} 
 O Critics ! thefe Creatures in this to refemble ? 
 
 HE. Not a Jot ; in this Place 'tis of ftngular Ufe, 
 Of bad Poets and Players to reform the Abufe. 
 In /he PraBict, kind Sirs ! were I fit to advife, -\ 
 The kijfi-ng like Geefe I would have you dcfpifc, 
 And copy the Serpent, be fubtle and wife, 3 
 
 But free from his Venom Well, Sirs! Wbat d'ye 
 
 fay? 
 
 Is your Judgment 
 
 SHE. . Let us wait ''till the End of 
 
 the Play : 
 
 In the Progrefs of that wejhall eafily find, 
 Whether laughing or hi/mg is moft to their Mind. 
 HE. I m Jure they wili hifi. 
 SHE. And I hope they'll behind. 
 
 DRA-
 
 Dramatis Perfbnae. 
 
 Mr. SUBTLE Mr. Collins. 
 
 CLASSIC Mr. Anderfon. 
 
 * BUCK Mr. Macklin. 
 
 FATHER Mr. Eranjby. 
 
 MARQUIS Mr. UJher. 
 
 ROGER Mr. Dunflall. 
 
 DAUPHINE Mr. Stoppelaer. 
 Peruke-Maker. 
 Gamut, Mufick-MaJler. 
 Kitteau, Dancing- Mafter. 
 
 Mrs. SUBTLE Mrs. Macklin. 
 
 LUCINDA Mifs Macklin. 
 
 Servants, &c.
 
 THE 
 
 Englifhman in PARIS. 
 
 ACT I. SCENE I. 
 Enter Mr. SUBTLE #WMr. CLASSIC. 
 
 Mr. SUBTLE. 
 ^E LL, well, that maybe; but 
 
 j ^ * *" a y t ^ iat a Frenchman 
 Claffic. Is a Fop ; it is their 
 national Difeafe ; not one of the 
 Qualities for which you celebrate them, 
 but owes its Origin to a Foible ; their 
 Tafte is Trifling, their Gaiety Grimace, 
 and their Politenefs, Pride. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Hey-dey ! Why what the 
 Deuce brings you to Paris then ? 
 
 Cla/. A Debt to Friendfhip ; not but I 
 think a mort Relidence here, a very necef- 
 fary Part in every Man of Fafhion's Edu- 
 cation. 
 
 B Mr.
 
 io The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Where's the Ufe ? 
 
 Claff. In giving them a true Relifh for 
 their own domeftic Happinefs ; a proper 
 Veneration for their national Liberties ; a 
 Contempt for Adulation ; and an Honour 
 for the extended generous Commerce of 
 their Country. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Why there, indeed, you have 
 the Preference, Mailer Claffic ; the Traders 
 here are a fharp Set j cozening People j 
 Foreigners are their Food ; Civilities with 
 a Aye ! aye ! a Congee for a Crown, and 
 a Shrug fora Shilling; devilim dear, Maf- 
 ter Claffic, devilim dear. 
 
 Claff. To avoid their Exactions, we are, 
 Mr. Subtle, recommended to your Protec- 
 tion. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Aye ! and wifely they did, who 
 recommended you : Buy nothing but on 
 mine or my Lady's Recommendation, and 
 you are fafe. But where was your Charge ? 
 Where was Mr. Buck laft Night ? My* 
 Lady made a Party at Cards on Purpoie 
 for him, and my Ward Lucinda is migh- 
 tily taken with him ; me longs to fee him 
 again. 
 
 Clajf. I am afraid with the fame Set his 
 Father fent him hither rto avoid j but we 
 mufl endeavour to infpire him with a Tafle 
 for the Gallantries of this Court, and his 
 Pamon for the lower Amufements of ours 
 will diminifh of courfe. 
 
 Mr.
 
 in P A R I S. ii 
 
 Mr. Sub. All the Fraternity of Men- 
 makers are for that Purpofe without -, Tay- 
 lors, Peruquiers, Hatters, Hoiiers Is not 
 that Mr. Buck's Engliih Servant ? 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Clajf^ Oh ! aye, honeit Roger. So, the 
 old Doings, Roger; what Time did your 
 Mailer come Home ? 
 
 R^g. Between Five and Six, pummell'd 
 to a Jelly : Here been two of his old Com- 
 rades follow'd un already ; I count we mall 
 ha' the whole Gang in a Se'nnight. 
 
 Clajf, Comrades, who ? 
 
 Rog. Dick Daylight and Bob Breadbailcet 
 the Bruifers : They all went to the Shew 
 together, where they had the Devil to pay,; 
 belike they had been fent to Bridewell, 
 hadn't a great Gentleman in a blue String 
 come by and releas'd them. I hear Mailer's 
 Bell ; do ? Mailer Claffic, ftep up and talk 
 to 'un ; he's now fober, and may hearken 
 to Reafon. 
 
 Claff. I attend him. Mr. Subtle, you 
 won't be out of the Way. [Exit Claiiic. 
 
 Mr. Sub. I ihall talk a little with the 
 Tradefmen. Afmoaky Fellow this Claffic; 
 but if Lucinda pjays her Cards well, we 
 have not much to fear from that Quarter : 
 Contradiction feems to be the Life and Soul 
 pf young Buck. A tolerable Expedition this, 
 B 2 if
 
 12 The ENGLISHMAN 
 if it fucceeds. Fleece the Younker ! 
 'Pfhaw, that's a Thing of Courfe ! but by 
 his Means to get rid of Lucinda, and fe- 
 curely pocket her Patrimony j aye ! that 
 indeed ~ 
 
 Enter Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Oh! Wife! Have you open'd the Plot? 
 Does the Girl come into it greedily, hey? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A little fqueamifh at firft ' ; but 
 I have open'd her Eyes. Never fear, my 
 Dear, fooner or later Women will attend 
 to their Intereft. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Their Intereft ! aye, that's true -, 
 but confider, my Dear, how deeply our own 
 Intereft is concern'd, and let that quicken 
 your Zeal. 
 
 Mrs. Sz^. D'ye think I am blind? But 
 the Girl has got fuch whimfical Notions of 
 Honour, and is withal fp decent and mo- 
 deft : I wonder where the Deuce me got it $ 
 1 am fure it was not in my Houfe. 
 : Mr. Sub. How does me like Buck's Per- 
 fon? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Well enough ! But prithee, 
 Hufband, leave her to my Management, 
 and confider we have more Irons in the Fire 
 than one.' Here is the Marquis de Soleil to 
 
 meet Madam de Farde to Night, and 
 
 where to put 'em, unlefs we can have Buck's 
 Apartment ; Oh ! by the bye, has Count Cog 
 
 3 f
 
 in PARIS. 13 
 
 fent you your Share out of Mr. Puntwell's 
 Lofings a Thurfday ? 
 
 Mr. Sick. I intend calling on him this 
 Morning. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Don't fail I He's a ilippery 
 Chap you know, 
 
 Mr. Sub. There's np fear. Well, but ouf 
 pretty Countrywoman lays abo.ut her hand- 
 fomely ! Ha I ,. Hearts by t-Jundreds ! 
 Hum! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Aye ! that's a noble Prize, if 
 we could but manage her; but {lie's fo in- 
 difcreet, that (he'll be blown before we have 
 made half our Market. I am this Morning 
 to give Audience on her Score, to two 
 Counts and a foreign Minifter. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Then ftrike whilft the Iron's 
 hot : But they'll be here before I can talk 
 to my People , fend 'em in prithee. 
 
 Enter Tradefmen. 
 
 Mr. Sub.. So, Gentlemen -, Qh ! hum ! 
 we are interrupted : If they afk for your 
 JBills, you have left them at Home. 
 
 Enter Buck, Claflic and Roger, 
 
 'Buck. Ecod, I don't know how it ended, 
 but I remember how it begun. Oh ! Maf- 
 fer Subtle, how do'il, old Buck, hey ? Give's 
 
 thy
 
 14 The ENGLISHMAN 
 thy Paw ! And little Lucy how fares it with 
 ihe ? Hum ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. What has been the Matter, 
 Squire ? Your Face feerns a little in Dema- 
 bille. 
 
 Buck. A Touch of the Times, old Boy ! 
 a fmall Skirmifh ; after I was down tho', a 
 Set of cowardly Sons of -, there's George 
 and I will box any five for their Sum. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But how happen'd it ? The 
 French are generally civil to Strangers. 
 
 Buck. Oh ! damn';) civil ! to fall feven or 
 eight upon three : Seven or eight ! Ecod we 
 had the whole Houfe upon us at laft. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But what had you done ? 
 
 Buck. Done ! why nothing at all ! But 
 Wounds how the Powder flew about, and 
 the Monfieurs fcour'd. 
 
 Mr. Sub. But what Offence had either 
 they or you committed ? 
 
 Buck. Why I was telling Domine : laft 
 Night, Dick Daylight, Bob Breadbafket and 
 I were walking through one of their Rues 
 I think they call them here, they are Streets 
 in London ; but they have fuch deyjlifh out- 
 of-the-way Names for Things, that there is 
 no remembering them ; fo we fee Crowds 
 of People going into a Houfe, and Comedy 
 parted over the Door ; in we troop'd with 
 the reft, paid our Calh, and fat down on 
 the Stage; prefently they had a Dance ; and 
 one of the young Women with long Hair 
 
 trailing
 
 in PARIS. 15 
 
 trailing behind her, flood with her Back to 
 a Rail, jufl by me : Ecod what dots me ! 
 for nothing in the World but a Joke, as I 
 hope for Mercy, but ties her Locks to the 
 Rail -, fo when 'twas her turn to figure out, 
 foufe me flapp'd on her Back ; 'twas devilifli 
 comical, but they fet up fuch an Uproar : 
 onwhey-fac'd Son of a Bitch, that came to 
 loofe the Woman, turn'd up his Nofe, and 
 call'd me Bete : Ecod, I lent him a Lick in 
 his Lanthorn Jaws, that will make him re- 
 member the Spawn of old Marlborough, I 
 warrant him : Another came up to fecond 
 him, but I let drive at the Mark, made the 
 Soup-Maigre rumble in his Bread-balket, 
 and laid him fprawling ; then in pour'd a 
 Million of them ; I was knock'd down in a 
 trice ; and what happen'd after I know no 
 more than you. But where' s Lucy ? I'll go 
 _ fee her. 
 
 Clflff. Oh fye ! Ladies are treated here 
 with a little more Ceremony: Mr. Subtle too 
 has collected thefe People, who are to equip 
 you for the Converfation of the Ladies. 
 
 Buck. Wounds ! all thefe ! What, Mr. 
 Subtle, thefe are Mounfeeres too I fuppofe ? 
 Mr. Sub. No ! Squire, they are Englifh- 
 men : Fafhion has ordain'd, that as you em- 
 ploy none but Foreigners at home, you mufl 
 take up with your own Countrymen here. 
 C/affl It is not in this Inftance alone we 
 are particular, Mr. Subtle ; I have obferv'd 
 
 many
 
 16 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 many of our pretty Gentlemen, who con- 
 defcend to ufe entirely their native Lan- 
 guage here, fputter nothing but bad French 
 in the Side-boxes at Home. 
 
 Buck. Look you, Sir, as to you, and 
 your Wife, and Mifs Lucy, I like you all 
 well enough ; but the Devil a good Thing 
 clfe have I feen lince I loil Sight of Dover ; 
 the Men are all Puppies, mincing and 
 dancing, and chattering, and grinning : the 
 Women a parcel of painted Dolls; their 
 Food's fit for Hogs ; and as for their Lan- 
 guage, let them learn it that like it, I'll , 
 none on't ; no, nor their Frippery neither : 
 So here you may all march to the Place 
 from whence you Harkee ! What are you 
 an Englishman ? 
 
 Barber. Yes, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Domine ! Look here, what a Mon- 
 fter the Monkey has made of himfelf ? Sir- 
 rah ! if youf String was long enough, I'd 
 do your Buflnefs myfelf you Dog, to link 
 a bold Briton into fuch a fneaking, fnivel- 
 
 ling the Rafcal looks as if he had not 
 
 had a Piece of Beef and Pudding in his 
 Paunch thefe twenty Years - y I'll be hang'd 
 if the Rogue ha'nt been fed upon Frogs ever 
 fince he came over. Away with your 
 Trumpery ! 
 
 Clajf. Mr. Buck, a Compliance with the 
 Cuftoms of the Country in which we live, 
 
 where
 
 in P A R I S. 17 
 
 where neither our Religion or Morals are 
 concern'd, is a Duty we owe ourfelves. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Befides, Squire, Lucinda ex- 
 pecls that you mould umer her to public 
 Places j which it would be impoflible to do 
 in that Drefs. 
 Buck. Why not ? 
 Mr. Sub. You'd be mobb'd. 
 Buck. Mobb'd ! I fhould be glad to fee 
 
 that. No ! no ! they ha'nt Spirit enough 
 
 to mob here ; but come, fmce thefe Fellows 
 here are Englifh, and it is the Fafhion, try 
 on your Fooleries. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Mr. Dauphine, come produce ; 
 Upon my Word, in an elegant Tafte, 
 Sir; this Gentleman has had the Honour to 
 Dauph. To work for all the Beaux Ef- 
 prits of the Court. My good Fortune com- 
 menc'd by a fmall Alteration in a Cut of the 
 Corner of the Sleeve for Count Crib ; but 
 the Addition of a ninth Plait in the Skirt of 
 Marfhal Tonerre, was applauded by Madam 
 la Duchefs Rambouillet, and totally efta- 
 blifh'd the Reputation of your humble Ser- 
 vant. 
 
 Buck. Hold your Jaw and difpatch. 
 
 Mr. Sub. A Word with you 1 don't 
 
 think it impoflible to get you acquainted 
 with Madam de Rambouiiiet. 
 Buck. An't me a Papift ? 
 Mr. Sub. Undoubtedly. 
 Buck. Then I'll ha' nothing to fay to her, 
 C Mr,
 
 i8 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh fie ! Who minds the Reli- 
 gion of a pretty Woman ? Belides all this 
 Country are of the fame. 
 
 Buck. For that Reafon I don't care how 
 foon I get out of it : Come, let's get rid of 
 you all as foon as we can. And what are 
 you, hey ? 
 
 Barb. Je fuis Peruquier, Monfieur. 
 
 Buck. Speak Englifh, you Son of a 
 Whore. 
 
 Barb. I am a Perriwig-maker, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Then why could not you fay fo at 
 firft ? What are you afham'd of your Mo- 
 ther Tongue ? I knew this Fellow was a 
 Puppy by his Pig-tail. Come, let's fee your 
 handy Work. 
 
 Barb. As I found you were in a Hurry, 
 I have brought you, Sir, fomething that 
 will do for the prefent : But a Peruque 
 is a different Ouvrage, another Sort of a 
 Thing here, from what it is en Angleterre \ 
 we muft confult the Colour of the Com- 
 plexion, and the Tour de Vifage, the Form 
 of the Face ; for which End it will be ne- 
 cefTary to regard your Countenance in dif- 
 ferent Lights : A little to the Right, if 
 
 you pleafe. 
 
 Buck. Why you Dog, d'ye think I'll fub- 
 mit to be exercifed by you ? 
 
 Barb. Oh mon Dieu ! Monfieur, if you 
 don't, it will be impoflible to make your 
 Wig comm' ilfaut. 
 
 Buck.
 
 in PART S. 19 
 
 Buck. Sirrah, fpeak another French Word, 
 and I'll kiok you down Stairs. 
 
 Barb. Gad's Curfe ! Would you refera- 
 ble fome.of your Countrymen, who at their 
 firft Importation with nine Hairs of a Side 
 to a brawny pair of Cheeks, look like a 
 Saracen's Head ! Or elfe their Water-gruel 
 Jaws funk in a Thicket of Curls, appear, 
 for all the World, like a Lark in a Soup- 
 dim ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, Squire, fubmit ; 'tis but 
 for once. 
 
 Buck. Well, but what muft I do ? 
 
 [Places kirn in a Chair. 
 
 Barb. To the Right, Sir ; now to the 
 Left ; now your full and now, Sir, I'll 
 dp your Buiinefs. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Look at yourfelf a little -, fee 
 what a Revolution this has occafion'd in 
 your whole Figure. 
 
 Buck. Yes ! a bloody pretty Figure in- 
 deed ! But 'tis a Figure I am damnably 
 afham'd of : I would not be feen by Jack 
 Wildfire or Djek Riot for fifty Pounds, in 
 this Trim, for all that. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Upon my Honour, Drefs greatly 
 improves you. Your Opinion, Mr. Claflic. 
 
 Claff. They do mighty well, Sir -, and in 
 a little Time Mr. Buck will be eafy in them. 
 
 Buck. Shall I ! I am glad on't, for I am 
 damnably uneafy at prefent, Mr. Subtle. 
 What mull: I do now ? 
 
 C 2. Mr,
 
 20 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Now, Sir, if you'll call upon 
 my Wife, you'll find Lucinda with her, and 
 I'll wait on you prefently. 
 
 Buck. Come along Domine ! But harkee, 
 Mr. Subtle, I'll out of my Tramels, when 
 I hunt with the King. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Well! Well! 
 
 Buck. I'll on with my Jemmy's ; none of 
 your black Bags and Jack Boots for me. 
 
 Mr. Sub. No ! No ! 
 
 Buck. I'll {hew them the Odds on't ! old 
 Silver-Tail! I will ! Hey! 
 
 Nil. Sub. Ay! ay! 
 
 Buck. Hedge, Stake, or Stile ! over we, 
 go! 
 
 Mr. Sub. Ay ! But Mr. Claffic waits. 
 
 Buck. But d'ye think they'll follow ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh no ! Impoflible ! 
 
 Buck. Did I tell you what a Chace fhe 
 carry'd me laft Chriftmas Eve, we unken- 
 nell'd at . 
 
 Mr. Sub. I am bufy now - 3 at any other 
 Time. 
 
 Buck. You'll follow us. I have fent for 
 my Hounds and Horfes. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Have you ? 
 
 Buck. They fhall make the Tour of Eu- 
 rope with me : And then there's Tom At- 
 kins the Huntfman, the two Whippers-in, 
 and little Joey the Groom comes with them. 
 Dammy, what a ftrange Place they'll think 
 this ? But no Matter for that; then we fhaH 
 
 be
 
 in P A R I S. 21 
 
 be Company enough of ourfelves. But 
 you'll follow us in ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. In ten Minutes ' An imperti- 
 nent Jackanapes ! But I (hall foon ha' done 
 with him. So, Gentlemen j well, you fee 
 we have a good Subject to work upon. 
 Harkee, Dauphine, I muft have more than 
 20 per Cent, out of that Suit. 
 
 Dauph. Upon my Soul, Mr. Subtle, I 
 can't. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Why I have always that upon 
 new. 
 
 Dauph. New I Sir ! Why as I hope to be 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, don't lie ; don't damn 
 yourfelf, Dauphine ; don't be a Rogue ; did 
 not I fee at Madam Fripon's that Waiftcoat 
 and Sleeves upon Colonel Crambo ? 
 
 Dauph. As to the Waiftcoat and Sleeves, 
 I own ; but for the Body and Lining- 
 may I never fee 
 
 Mr. Sub. Come, don't be a Scoundrel ; 
 five and thirty, or I've done. 
 
 Dauph. Well, if I muft, I muft. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh ! Solitaire ! I can't pay that 
 
 Draft of Mr. thefe fix Weeks ; I want 
 
 Money. 
 
 Soli. Je fuis dans le meme cas Je- 
 
 Mr. Sub. What d'ye mutiny, Rafcal ? 
 About your Bufmefs, or 
 
 \Exeunt. 
 
 I muft keep thefe Fellows under, or I 
 
 {hall
 
 22 The^ ENGLISHMAN 
 
 fhall have a fine Time on't; they know 
 
 they can't do without me. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. The Calais Letters ! my Dear. 
 
 Mr.Sut>. (reads.} Ah! ah! Calais the 
 Dover Packet arrived laft Night, Loading 
 as follows : Six Taylors, ditto Barbers, five 
 Milliners, bound to Paris to ftudy Fafhions ; 
 four Citizens come to fettle here for a Month 
 by way of feeing the Country ; ditto their 
 Wives; ten French Valets, with nine Cooks, 
 all from Newgate, where they had been 
 fent for robbing their Matters j nine Figure- 
 dancers, exported in September ragged and 
 lean, imported well clad and in good Cafe 3 
 twelve Dogs, ditto Bitches, with two Mon- 
 kics, and a Litter of Puppies from Mother 
 Midnight's in the Haymarket : A precious 
 Cargo ! Pojlfcript. ' One of the Coafters is 
 juft put in, with his Grace the Duke of 
 . , my Lord, and an old Gentleman, 
 whofe Name I can't learn. Gadfo ! Well, 
 my Dear, I muft run, and try to fecure thefe 
 Cuftomers ; there's no Time to be loft ; 
 Mean while 
 
 Enter
 
 in PARIS. 23 
 
 Enter Claffic. 
 
 So, Matter Claffic, what have you left 
 the young Couple together ? 
 
 C/affl They want your Ladymip's Pre- 
 fence, Madam, for a fhort Tour to the 
 Tuilleries. I have received fome Letters 
 which I muft anfwer immediately. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Oh! Well! Well! no Cere- 
 mony ; we are all of a Family, you know. 
 Servant. [Exit. 
 
 Claff. Roger! 
 
 Enter Roger. 
 
 Rog. Anon ! 
 
 Claff. I have juft received a Letter from 
 your old Mailer , he was landed at Calais, 
 and will be this Evening at Paris. It is ab- 
 folutely neceflary that this Circumftance 
 mould be conceal'd from his Son -, for which 
 Purpofe you muft wait at the Picardy Gate, 
 and deliver a Letter I mail give you, into 
 his own Hand. 
 
 Rog. I'll warrant you. 
 
 Claff. But, Roger, be fecret. 
 
 Rog. Oh ! lud ! Never you fear ! 
 
 Claff. So, Mr. Subtle, I fee your Aim. 
 
 A pretty Lodging we have hit upon ; the 
 
 Miftrefs a Commode, and the Mafter a . 
 
 But who can this Ward be ? Poffibly the 
 
 3 neglected
 
 24 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 neglected Punk of fome riotous Man of 
 Quality. 'Tis lucky Mr. Buck's Father is* 
 arriv'd, or my Authority would prove but 
 an infufficient Match for my Pupil's Obfti- 
 nacy. This mad Boy ! How difficult, how 
 difagreeable a Tafk have I undertaken ? And 
 how general, yet how dangerous an Expe- 
 riment is it to expofe our Youth, in the very 
 Fire and Fury of their Blood, to all the 
 Follies and Extravagance of this fantaftic 
 Court ? Far different was the prudent Prac- 
 tice of our Forefathers, 
 
 Theyfcorn'd to truck, for baft unmanly Arts, 
 Their native Plainnefs, and their honeft Hearts ; 
 Whene'er they deign* d to vi/it haughty France, 
 'Twas arm* d with bearded Dart, and pointed Launce. 
 No pompous Pageants lurd their curious Eye, 
 No Charms for them had Fops or Flattery ; 
 Paris they knew, their Streamers wav'd around, 
 Thire Britons faw a Bricifh Harry crown' d. 
 Far other Views attract our modern Race, 
 Trulls, Toupees, Trinkets, Bags, Brocades and Lace ; 
 A flaunting Form, and a fictitious Face. 
 Roufe ! re-affiime ! refufe a Gallic Reign, 
 Nor let their Arts win that their Arms could never 
 gain. 
 
 End of the F I R S T A C T. 
 
 ACT
 
 in PARIS. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter Mr. Claflic and Roger. 
 ROGER. 
 
 OL D Maifter's at a CofFee-houfe next 
 Street, and will tarry 'till you fend 
 for 'un. 
 
 ClajJ. Bye and bye, in the Dufk, bring 
 him up the back Stairs. You muft be care- 
 ful that nobody fees him^ 
 
 Reg. I warrant you. 
 
 Clajf. Let Sir John know, that I would 
 wait on him myfelf, but I don't think it 
 fafe to quit the Houfe an Inftant. 
 
 Rog. Ay, ay. [Exit Roger. 
 
 Clajf'. I fuppofe, by this Time, Matters 
 are pretty well fettled within, and my Ab- 
 fence only wanted to accomplim the Scene ; 
 
 but I mail take Care to -Oh ! Mr. 
 
 Subtle, and his Lady. 
 
 D Enter
 
 s6 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Oh! delightfully! Now, my 
 Deareft, I hope you will no longer difpute 
 my Abilities for forming a Female. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Never, never : How the Bag- 
 gage leer'd ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. And the Booby gap'd ! 
 
 Mr. Sub. So kind, and yet fo coy -, fo free, 
 but then fo referved ,' Oh ! me has him ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Aye ! aye ! the Fifh is hook'd ; 
 
 but then fafely to land him. Is Claffic 
 
 fufpicious ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Not that I obferve -, but the 
 Secret muft foon be blaz'd. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Therefore difpatch : I have 
 laid a Trap to enflame his Affection. 
 
 Mr. Sub. How? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. He mall be treated with a Dif- 
 play of Lucy's Talents -, her finging, danc- 
 ing. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Pfhaw ! her finging and danc- 
 ing f 
 
 Mr. Sub. Ah ! you don't know, Huf- 
 band, half the Force of thefe Accomplim- 
 ments in a fafhionable Figure. 
 
 Mr. Sub. I doubt her Execution. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. You have no Reafon -, fhe does 
 both well enough to flatter a Fool ; efpe^ 
 cially with Love for her fecond : Befides, I 
 have a Coup de Maitre, a fure Card. 
 
 Mr.
 
 In PARIS. 27 
 
 Mr. Sub. What's that ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A Rival. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Who? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. The Language-Matter : He 
 may be eafily equipt for the Expedition ; 
 a fecond-hand tawdry Suit of Cloaths will 
 pafs him on our Countryman for a Marquifs ; 
 and then to excufe his fpeaking our Lan- 
 guage fo well, he may have been educated 
 early in England. But hum ! the Squire 
 approaches 5 don't feem to obfervehim. 
 
 Enter Buck. 
 
 For my Part, I never faw any Thing fo 
 alter'd fince I was born : In my Conference, 
 I believe (he's in Love with him. 
 
 Buck. Hum! [Jfu/e.] 
 
 Mr. Sub. D'ye think fo ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Why, where's the Wonder ? 
 He's a pretty, good-humour'd, fprightly 
 Fellow ; and, for the Time, fuch an Im- 
 provement ! Why he wears his Cloaths as 
 eafily, and moves as genteely, as if he had 
 been at Paris thefe twenty Years. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Indeed ! How does he dance ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Why he has had but three 
 LefTons from Marfeil, and he moves already 
 like Dupre. Oh! three Months Stay here, 
 will render him a perfect Model for the 
 Englifli Court. 
 
 D ^ Mr.
 
 j>8 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mr. Sub. Gadfo ! No wonder then, with 
 thefe Qualities, that he has caught the Heart 
 of my Ward 5 but we muft take Care that 
 the Girl does nothing imprudent. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Oh! difmifs your Fears j her 
 Family, gt>od Senfe, and more than all, her 
 being educated under my Eye, render them 
 unneceflary ; befides, Mr. Buck is too much 
 a Man of Honour to 
 
 [He interrupts them. 
 
 Buck. Damn me, if I an't. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Bleis me ! Sir ! you here ! I 
 did not expect 
 
 Buck. I beg Pardon ; but all that 1 heard 
 was, that Mr. Buck was a Man of Honour. 
 I wanted to have fome Chat with you, 
 Madam, in private. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Then I'll withdraw. You fee 
 I dare truft you alone with my Wife. 
 
 Buck. So you may fafely ; I have other 
 Game in View. Servant, Mr. Subtle. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Now for a puzzling Scene : I 
 long to know how he'll begin. Well, Mr. 
 Buck, your Commands with me, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Why, Madam, I ah I ah , 
 
 but let's ihut the Door : I was, Madam, 
 
 ah ! ah ! Can't you guefs what I want 
 
 to talk about ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Not I, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Well, but try ; upon my Soul I'll 
 tell you, if you're right. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 in P A R I S. 29 
 
 Mrs. Sub. It will be impoffible for me to 
 divine : But come, open a little ! 
 
 Buck. Why, have you obferv'd nothing ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. About who ? 
 
 Buck. Why, about me ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Yes ; you are new-drefs'd, and 
 your Cloaths become you. 
 
 Buck. Pretty well ; but it an't that. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. What is it ? 
 
 Buck. Why, ah ! ah ! Upon my Soul, 
 I can't bring it out. 
 
 Mre. Sub. Nay, then it's to no Purpofc 
 to wait : Write your Mind. 
 
 Buck. No ! No ! Stop a Moment, and I 
 will tell. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Be expeditious, then. 
 
 Buck. Why, I wanted to talk about Mifs 
 Lucinda. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. What of her ? 
 
 Buck. She's a bloody fine Girl , and I 
 fhould be glad to 
 
 Mrs. Sub. To Blefs me ! What ! Mr. 
 
 Buck ! And in my Houfe ! Oh ! Mr. Buck, 
 you have deceiv'd me ! Little did I think, 
 that, under the Appearance of fo much Ho- 
 nefty, you could go to 
 
 Buck. Upon my Soul, you're miflaken. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A poor Orphan too ! Depriv'd 
 in her earlieft Infancy of a Father's Pru- 
 dence, and a Mother's Care. 
 
 Buck. Why I tell you > 
 
 Mrs, Sub. So fweet, fo lovely an Inno- 
 cence ;
 
 3 o The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 cence 5 her Mind as fpotlefs as her Per- 
 fon. 
 
 Buck. Hey-day ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. And me, Sir ! Where had you 
 your Thoughts of me ? How dar'd you fup- 
 pofe that I would connive at fuch a 
 
 Buck. The Woman is bewitch'd ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. I ! whofe untainted Reputa- 
 tion rfie bliftering Tongue of Slander never 
 blafted. Full fifteen Years, in Wedlock's 
 facred Bands, have I liv'd unreproach'd ; 
 and now to 
 
 Buck. Od's Fury ! She's in Heroics ! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. And this from you too, whofe 
 fair Outfide and bewitching Tongue had fo 
 far lull'd my Fears, I dar'd have trufted all 
 my Daughters, nay, myfelf too, fingly, with 
 you. 
 
 Buck. Upon my Soul ! and fo you might 
 fafely. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Well, Sir, and what have you 
 to urge in your Defence ? 
 
 Buck. Oh ! oh ! What are you got pretty 
 well to the End of your Line, are you ? And 
 now, if you'll be quiet a Bit, we may make 
 a Shift to underftand one another a little. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Be quick, and eafe me of my 
 Fears. 
 
 Buck. Eafe you of your Fears ! I don't 
 know how the Devil you got them. All 
 that I wanted to fay was, that Mifs Lucy 
 
 was
 
 In P A R I S. 3* 
 
 was a fine Wench ; and if me was as wil- 
 ling as me, 
 
 Mr. Sub. Willing ! Sir ! What Demon 
 
 Buck. If you are in your Airs again, I 
 may as well decamp. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. I am calm ; go on. 
 
 Buck. Why that if me lik'd me, as well 
 as I lik'd her, we might, perhaps, if you 
 lik'd it too, be married together. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Oh ! Sir ! if that was indeed 
 your Drift, 1 am fatisfy'd. But don't in- 
 dulge your Wifh too much -, there are nu- 
 merous Obftacles ; your Father's Confent, 
 the Law of the Land, 
 
 Buck. What Laws ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. All clandeftine Marriages are 
 void in this Countiy. 
 
 Buck. Damn the Country : In London 
 now, a Footman may drive to May-Fair, 
 and in five Minutes be tack'd to a Countefs; 
 but there's no Liberty here. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Some inconfiderate Couples 
 have indeed gone off Poft to Proteftant 
 States ; but I hope my Ward will have more 
 Prudence. 
 
 Buck. Well, well, leave that to me. D'ye 
 think me likes me ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Why to deal candidly with 
 you, me does. 
 
 Buck. Does me, by 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Calm your Tranfports. 
 
 Buck. 
 
 - 7
 
 32 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Well ! But how ? She did not, did 
 ihe ! Hey ! Come now, tell -- 
 
 Mrs. Sub. I hear her coming; this is he** 
 Hour for Mufic and Dancing. 
 
 Buck. Could not I have a peep ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Withdraw to this Corner. 
 
 Enter Lucinda, with Singing and Dancing^ 
 Mafters. 
 
 Lvc. The News ; the News, Monfieur 
 Gamut ; I die, if I have not the firrr, Intel-; 
 ligence ! What's doing at Verfailles ? When 
 goes the Court to Marli ? Does Rameau 
 write the next Opera ? What fay the Critics 
 of Voltaire's Duke de Foix ? Anfwer me all 
 in a Breath ! 
 
 Buck. A brave-fpirited Girl ! She'll take 
 a five-barr'd Gate in a Fortnight. 
 
 Gam. The Converfation of the Court your 
 Ladymip has engrofs'd, ever fmce you laft 
 honour'd it with your Appearance. 
 
 Luc. Oh ! you Flatterer ! have I ! Well 
 and what frem Victims ? But 'tis impomWe; 
 the Sunfhine of a northern Beauty is too 
 feeble to thaw the icy Heart of a French 
 Courtier. 
 
 Gam. What Injuftice to your own Charms 
 and our Difcernment ! 
 
 Luc. Indeed ! nay, I care not ; if I have 
 Fire enough to warm one Britifh Bofom, 
 
 rule I
 
 in P A R I S. 33 
 
 rule ! rule ! ye Paris Belles ! I envy not 
 your Conquelts. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Meaning you. 
 
 Buck. Indeed! 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Certain ! 
 
 Buck. Hum! 
 
 Luc. But come, a Truce to Galantry, 
 Gamut, and to the Bufinefs of the Day : 
 Oh ! I am quite enchanted with this new 
 inftrument , 'tis fo languifhing and fo por- 
 table, and fo foft and fo filly : But come, 
 for your laft Leffon. 
 
 Gam. D'ye like the Words ? 
 
 Luc. Oh ' Charming ! They are fo melt- 
 ing, and eafy, and elegant. Now for a 
 Coup de Effai. 
 
 Gam. Take Care of your ExprelTion ; let 
 your Eyes andAddrefs accompany the Sound 
 and Sentiment. 
 
 Luc. But, dear Gamut, if I am out, don't 
 interrupt me ; correct me afterwards. 
 Gam. Alons, commences. 
 
 SON G. 
 I. 
 
 A R un matin Lifettefe leva, 
 Et dans un bois fculette s'en alia. 
 
 Ta, la, la, &c. 
 
 E II,
 
 34 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 II. 
 
 Elk cherchoit des nids de $a de la, 
 Dans un buiflbn k Roffignol chanta. 
 
 Ta, la, la, &c. 
 
 III. 
 
 *Toute doucement elk sen approcha, 
 Savez vous bien, ce qu'elle denicha. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Ce'toit f Amour i I Amour I'attendoit /a, 
 Le bel Oifeau dit elle que voila. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 V. 
 
 La pauvre enfant le prtt, h carejja y 
 Sous f on mouchoir en riant le p/a$a. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 VI. 
 
 Son petit c&ur aujjitot senflama, 
 Rile gemit, et nef^ait ce quelle a. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 VII.
 
 in . P A R I S. 35 
 
 VII. 
 
 //<? sen va fe plalndre afon papa, 
 En lui parlant la belle foupira. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Le bon Papa qui sen doutoit deja. 
 Lui dit je fr^ais un remede a cela. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 IX. 
 
 II prit T Amour, les ailes lui coupa, 
 D'un double noeudfertement le lia. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 X. 
 
 Dans la voh'ere auffitot renferma, 
 Chantez Fripon autant qiiil vous plaira. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 XI. 
 
 Heureufement la belle s'en tira, 
 
 Man on ria pas toujours ce fecret let. 
 
 f->-i i t 
 i a, la, la. 
 
 E 2 XII.
 
 36 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 XII. 
 
 Jeane beaut e* que I 'Amour gutter a, 
 Craignez le tour qu' a Lijjette il joua. 
 
 Ta, la, la. 
 
 Gam. Bravo ! Bravo ! 
 
 Buck. Bravo ! BravifTimo ! My Lady, what 
 was the Song about ? \_-dfide to my Lady. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Lov^ : 'Tis her own com- 
 pofing. 
 
 Buck. What, does me make Verfes then ? 
 
 Mrs. Sub. Finely. I take you to be the 
 Subject of thefe. 
 
 Buck. Ah ! D'ye think fo ! Gad ! I 
 thought by her ogling, 'twas the Mufic- 
 Man-himfelf. 
 
 Luc. Well, Mr. Gamut ; tolerably well, 
 for fo young a Scholar. 
 
 Gam. Inimitably, Madam ! Your Lady- 
 fhip's Progrefs will undoubtedly fix my 
 Fortune. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Luc. Your Servant, Sir. 
 Ser. Madam, your Dancing-Mailer, Mon- 
 iieur Kitteau. 
 
 Luc. Admit him. 
 
 JLnter Kitteau. 
 
 Monfieur Kitteau, I can't poffibly take aLef- 
 fcn this Morning, I am fo bufy > but if you 
 
 pie ale,
 
 in P A R I S. 37 
 
 pleafe, I'll juft hobble over a Minuet by 
 way of Exercife. 
 
 Enter a Servant. [After the Dance. 
 
 Seri). Monfieur le Marquis de 
 
 Luc. Admit him this Inftant. 
 
 Mrs. Sub. A Lover of Lucinda ! a French- 
 man of Famion, and vaft Fortune. 
 
 Buck. Never heed ; I'll foon do his Bu- 
 finefs, I'll warrant you. 
 
 Enter Marquis. 
 
 Luc. My dear Marquis ! 
 
 Mar. Ma chere adorable! 'Tis an Age 
 lince I faw you. 
 
 Luc. Oh ! An Eternity ! But 'tis your 
 own Fault, though. 
 
 Marq. My Misfortune, ma PrinceJJe ! But 
 now I'll redeem my Error, and root for ever 
 here. 
 
 Buck. I mail make a Shift to tranfplant 
 you, I believe. 
 
 Luc. You can't conceive how your Ab- 
 fence has diftrefs'd me. Demand of thefe 
 Gentlemen the melancholy Mood of my 
 Mind. 
 
 Marq. But now that I am arriv'd, we'll 
 dance and fing, and drive Care to the Ha ! 
 Monfieur Kitteau ! have you practis'd this 
 Morning ? 
 
 Luc.
 
 38 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Luc. I had juft given my Kand to Kit- 
 teau before you came. 
 
 Marq. I was in Hopes that Honour would 
 have been referv'd for me. May I flatter 
 myfelf that your Ladyfhip will do me the 
 Honour of venturing upon the Fatigue of 
 another Minuet this Morning with me ? 
 
 Enter Buck brijkly. "Takes her Hand. 
 
 Buck. Not that you know of Monlieur. 
 
 Marq. Hey ! Diable ! $uelle Bete I 
 
 Buck. Harkee, Monfieur Ragout, if you 
 repeat that Word Bete, I mall make you 
 fwallow it again, as I did lafl Night one of 
 your Countrymen. 
 
 Mar. Quel Sauvage ! 
 
 Buck And another Word ; as I know 
 you can fpeak very good Englim, if you 
 will ; when you don't, I mall take it for 
 granted you're abufing me, and treat you 
 accordingly. 
 
 Marq. Cavalier enough ! But you are pro- 
 tedted here. Mademoifelle, who is this offi- 
 cious Gentleman ? How comes he intereft- 
 ed ? Some Relation, I fuppofe ! 
 
 Buck. No ; I'm a Lover. 
 
 Marq. Oh! oh! a Rival ! Eh Morbleu I 
 a dangerous one too. Ha ! ha ! Well, 
 Monfieur, what, and I fuppofe you pre- 
 fume to give Laws to this Lady -, and are 
 determin'd, out of your very great- and fm- 
 2 gular
 
 in PARIS. 39 
 
 gular Affection, to knock down every Mor- 
 tal me likes, A- la-mode d Angleterre ; Hey! 
 Moniieur Roaft-Beef ! 
 
 Buck. No ; but I intend that Lady for 
 my Wife ; conlider her as fuch ; and don't 
 chufe to have her foil'd by the impertinent 
 AddrefTes of every French Fop, A-la-mode 
 de Paris, Mounfieur Fricafly ! 
 
 Marq. Fricaffy ! 
 
 Buck. We. 
 
 Luc. A Truce -, a Truce, I befeech you, 
 Gentlemen : It feems I am the golden Prize 
 for which you plead ; produce your Preten- 
 fions ; you are the Reprefentatives of your 
 refpective Countries ; begin, Marquis, for 
 the Honour of France : Let me hear what 
 Advantages I am to derive from a Conjugal 
 Union with you. 
 
 Marq. Abftra&ed from thofe which I 
 think are pretty vifible ; a perpetual Refi- 
 dence in this Paradife of Pleafures ; to be the 
 Object of univerfal Adoration ; to fay what 
 you pleafe, go where you will, do what you 
 like, form Fafhions, hate your Huiband, 
 and let him fee it j indulge your Galant, 
 and let t'other know it j run in Debt,, and 
 oblige the poor Devil to pay it. He ! Ma 
 chere ! There are Pleafures for you. 
 
 Luc. Bravo ! Marquis ! Thefe are Allure- 
 ments for a Woman of Spirit ; but don't let 
 us conclude too haflily ; hear the other Side : 
 
 What
 
 40 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 What have you to offer, Mr. Buck, in fa- 
 vour of England ? 
 
 Buck. Why, Madam, for a Woman of 
 Spirit, they give you the fame Advantages 
 in London as at Paris, with a Privilege for- 
 got by the Marquis, an indifputable Right 
 to cheat at Cards, in fpight of Detection. 
 
 Marq. Pardon me, Sir, we have the fame ; 
 but I thought this Privilege fo known and 
 univerfal, that 'twas needlefs to mention it. 
 
 Buck. You'll give up nothing, I find ; but 
 to tell you my blunt Thoughts, in a Word, 
 if any Woman can be fo abandon'd, as to 
 rank amongft the Comforts of Matrimony, 
 the Privilege of hating her Hufband, and the 
 Liberty of committing every Folly and every 
 Vice contained in your Catalogue, me may 
 flay fingle for me ; for damn me, if I'm a 
 Hufband fit for her Humour ; that's all. 
 
 Marq. I told you, Mademoifelle ! 
 
 Luc. But flay, what have you to offer as 
 a Counterbalance for thefe Pleafures ? 
 
 Buck. Why, I have, Madam, Courage 
 to protect you, Good-nature to indulge your 
 Love, and Health enough to make Galants 
 ufelefs, and too good a Fortune to render 
 running in Debt neceffary. Find that here 
 if you can. 
 
 Marq. Bagatelle ! 
 
 Luc. Spoke with the Sincerity of a 
 Briton ; and as I don't perceive that I fhall 
 have any Ufe for the fafhionable Liberties 
 
 you
 
 in P A R I S; 41 
 
 , you propofe, you'll pardon, Marquis, my na- 
 tional Prejudice, here's my Hand, Mr. Buck. 
 
 Buck. Servant, Monfieur ! 
 
 Marq. Serviteur ! 
 
 Buck. No Offence ! 
 
 Marq. Not in the leafi ; I am only afraid 
 the Reputation of that Lady's Tafte will fu'f- 
 fer a little j and to (hew her at once the dif- 
 ference of her Choice, the Preference, which 
 if beftow'd on me, would not fail to exaf- 
 perate you, I fupport without murmuring ; 
 fo, that Favour which would probably have 
 provok'd my Fate, is now your Protection. 
 Voila la politefle Franijoife, Madam j I have 
 
 the Honour to be Bon Jour Monfieur. 
 
 Tol de rol. [Exit Marq. 
 
 Buck. The Fellow bears it well. Now 
 if you'll give me your Hand, we'll in, and 
 fettle Matters with Mr, Subtle. 
 
 Luc. 'Tis now my Duty to obey. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Roger, peeping about. 
 
 Rog. The Coaft is clear ; Sir, Sir, you 
 may come in now, Matter Claflic. 
 
 F Enter
 
 42 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Mr. Claffic and the Father. 
 
 Claf. Roger, watch at the Door. I wifli 
 Sir John, I could give you a more chearful 
 Welcome, but we have no Time to lofe m 
 Ceremony ; you are arrived in the critical 
 Minute - y two Hours more would have plac'd 
 the inconfiderate Couple out of the Reach 
 of Purfuit. 
 
 Father. How can I acknowledge your 
 Kindnefs ? You have preferv'd my Son ; 
 you have fav'd 
 
 C/a/. I have done my Duty ; but of 
 that 
 
 Rog. Maifter and the young Woman's 
 coming. 
 
 Claff. Sir John, place yourfelf here, and 
 be a Witnefs how near a Crifis is the Fate 
 of your Family. 
 
 Enter Buck and Lucinda. 
 
 Buck. Pfhaw ! What fignifies her ? 'Tis 
 odds whether fhe'd confent, from the Fear 
 of my Father. Befides, me told me, we 
 
 could
 
 in P A R I S. 43 
 
 could never be married here ; and fo pack 
 up a few Things, and we'll off in .a Poft- 
 Chaife direftly. 
 
 Luc. Stay, Mr. Buck, let me have a Mo- 
 ment's Reflection. What am I about ! 
 
 Contriving in concert with the moft profli- 
 gate Couple that ever difgrac'd Human Na- 
 ture, to impofe an indigent Orphan on the 
 fole Reprefentative of a wealthy and ho- 
 nourable Family ! Is this a Character be- 
 coming my Birth and Education ? What rnuft 
 be the Confequence ? Sure Detection and 
 Contempt, Contempt even from him, when 
 his Pafiions cool. I have refolv'd, Sir. 
 
 Buck. Madam. 
 
 Luc. As the Expedition we are upon the 
 Point of taking is to be a lafting one, we 
 ought not to be over-hafty in our Refolu- 
 tion. 
 
 Buck. P/haw! Stuff! When a Thing's 
 refolv'd, the fooner 'tis over the better. 
 
 Luc. But before it is abfolutely refolv'd, 
 give me Leave to beg an Anfwer to two 
 Questions. 
 
 Buck. Make Hafte then. 
 
 Luc. What are your Thoughts of me ? 
 
 Buck. Thoughts ! Nay, I don't know ; 
 why that you are a fenfible, civil, handfome, 
 handy Girl, and will make a devilifh good 
 Wife. That's all I think. 
 
 F 2 Luc.
 
 44 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Luc. But of my Rank and Fortune r 
 
 Buck. Mr. Subtle fays they are both great ; 
 but that's no Bufmefs of mine, I was always 
 determin'd to marry for Love. 
 
 Luc. Generoufly faid ! My Birth, I be- 
 lieve, won't difgrace you ; but for my For- 
 tune, your Friend, Mr. Subtle, I fear, has 
 anticipated you there. 
 
 Buck. Much Good may it do him; I have 
 enough for both ; but we lofe Time, and 
 may be prevented. 
 
 Luc. By whom ? 
 
 Buck. By Domine; or perhaps Father may 
 come ! 
 
 Luc. Your Father ! You think he would 
 prevent you then. 
 
 Buck. Perhaps he woulc}. 
 
 Luc. And why ? 
 
 Buck. Nay, I don't know -, but pfhaw ! 
 'Zooks ! this is like faying one's Cate- 
 chife. 
 
 Luc. But don't you think your Father's 
 Confent neceffary ? 
 
 Buck. No ! Why 'tis I am to be married, 
 and not he. But come along, old Fellow r s 
 love to be obftinate ; but 'Ecod I am as 
 muleifh as he ; and to tell you the Truth, if 
 he had propos'd me a Wife, that would have 
 been Reafon enough to make me diilike her; 
 and I don't think I mould be half fo hot 
 
 about
 
 in PARIS. 45 
 
 about marrying you, only I thought 'twould 
 plague the old Fellow damnably. So, my 
 pretty Partner, come along j let's have no 
 
 more - 
 
 Enter Father and Claffic. 
 
 Father. Sir, I am oblig'd to you for this 
 Declaration, as, to it I owe the entire 
 Subjection of that paternal Weaknefs, 
 which has hitherto fufpended the Cor- 
 rection your abandoned Libertinifm has 
 long provok'd. You have forgot the Duty 
 you owe a Father, difclaim'd my Protection, 
 cancell'd the natural Covenant between us ; 
 'tis Time I now mould give you up to the 
 Guidance of your own guilty Paffions, and 
 treat you as a Stranger to my Blood for 
 ever. 
 
 Buck. I told you what would happen if 
 he mould come -> but you may thank your- 
 felf. 
 
 Path. Equally weak as wicked, the Dupe 
 of a raw giddy Girl. But proceed, Sir ; 
 you have nothing farther to fear from me ; 
 compleat your Pro] eel, and add her Ruin 
 to your own. 
 
 Buck
 
 46 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Sir, as to me, you may fay what 
 you pleafe j but for the young Woman, ihe 
 does not deferve it ; but now me wanted me 
 to get your Confent, and told me that me 
 had never a Penny of Portion into the Bar- 
 gain. 
 
 path. A ftale, obvious Artifice ! She knew 
 the Difcovery of the Fraud mutt follow clofe 
 on your inconfiderate Marriage, and would 
 then plead the Merits of her prior candid 
 Difcovery : The Lady, doubtlefs, Sir, has 
 other Secrets to difclofe ; but as her Cun- 
 ning reveal'd the firft, her Policy will pre- 
 ferve the reft. 
 
 Luc. What Secrets ? 
 
 Buck. Be quiet, I tell you ; let him 
 alone, and he'll cool of himfelf by and 
 by. 
 
 Luc. Sir, I am yet the Proteclrefs of my 
 own Honour ; in Juftice to that, I muft 
 demand an Explanation. What Secrets, 
 Sir! 
 
 Path. Oh ! Perhaps a thoufand ! But I 
 am to blame to call them Secrets ; the Cuf- 
 toms of this gay Country give Sanction, 
 and ftamp Merit upon Vice ; and Vanity 
 will here proclaim what Modefty would elfe- 
 where blufh to whifper. 
 
 Luc.
 
 in PARIS. 47 
 
 Luc. Modefty ! You fufped: my Virtue 
 then ! 
 
 Path. You are a Lady -, but the Fears of 
 a Father may be permitted to neglect a little 
 your Plan of Politenefs : Therefore, to be 
 plain 3 from your Refidence in this Houfe, 
 from your Connexion with thefe People, and 
 from the Scheme which my Prefence has 
 interrupted, I have Sufpicions of what 
 Nature, alk yourfelf. 
 
 Luc. Sir, you have Reafon ; Appearances 
 are againft me, I confefs ; but when you 
 have heard my melancholy Story, you'll 
 own you have wrong'd me, and learn to 
 pity her whom now you hate. 
 
 Path. Madam, you mifemploy your Time; 
 there tell your Story, there it will be be- 
 iiev'd ; I am too knowing in the Wiles of 
 Women, to be foften'd by a Syren Tear or 
 impos'd on by an artful Tale. 
 
 Luc. But hear me, Sir ; on my Knee, I 
 beg it, nay I demand it, you have wrong'd 
 me, and muft do me Juftice. 
 
 Clajf. I am fure, Madam, Sir John will 
 be glad to find his Fears are falfe, but you 
 can't blame him. 
 
 Luc. I don't, Sir, and I mall but little 
 trelpafs on his Patience : when you know, 
 Sir, that I am the Orphan of an honourable 
 and once wealthy Family, whom her Fa-" 
 
 ther,
 
 48 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 thcr, milguided by pernicious Politics, 
 brought with him, in her earlieft Infancy, 
 to France ; that dying here, he bequeath'd 
 me, with the poor remnant of our fhat- 
 ter'd Fortune, to the Direction of this rapa- 
 cious Pair ; I am fure you'll tremble for me. 
 
 Path. Go on ! 
 
 Luc. But when you know that plunder'd 
 of the little fortune left me, I was reluc- 
 tantly compeU'd to aid this Plot ; forced to 
 comply under the Penalty of deepeft Want; 
 without one hofpitable Roof to fhelter me, 
 without one Friend to comfort or relieve 
 me j you muft, you can't but pity me. 
 
 Path. Proceed! 
 
 Luc. To this when you are told, that, 
 previous to your Coming, I had determined 
 never to wed your Son, at leaft without 
 your Knowledge and Confent, I hope your 
 Juftice then will credit and acquit me. 
 
 Path. Madam, your Tale is plaufible and 
 moving, I hope 'tis true ; here come the 
 Explainers of this Riddle. 
 
 Enter Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. 
 Mr. Sub. Buck's Father !
 
 in P A R I S. 41 
 
 Path. I'll take fome other Time, Sir, to 
 thank you for the laffc Proofs of your Friend- 
 fhip to my Family ; in the mean Time, be 
 fo candid as to inftruct us in the Knowledge 
 of this Lady, whom, it feems, you have 
 chofen for the Partner of my Son. 
 
 Mr. Sub. Mr. Buck's Partner -I chofe 
 
 ___ _ __ T _ J . 
 
 Path. No Equivocation, or Referve, your 
 Plot's reveal'd, known to the Bottom -, who 
 is the Lady ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Lady, Sir, the Lady's a Gen- 
 tlewoman, Sir. 
 
 Path. By what Means ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. By her Father and Mother. 
 
 Path. Who were they, Sir ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. Her Mother was of ~ I for- 
 get her Maiden Name. 
 
 Path. You han't forgot her Father's ? 
 
 Mr. Sub. No ! No ! No ! 
 
 Path. Tell it then. 
 
 Mr. Sub. She has told it you I fuppofe. 
 
 Path. No Matter, I muft have it, Sir, from 
 you ; here's fome Myftery. 
 
 Mr. Sub. 'Twas Worthy. 
 
 Path. Not the Daughter of Sir Gilbert. 
 
 Mr. Sub. You have it. 
 
 Path. My poor Girl ! I indeed, have 
 
 wrong'd, but will redrefs you -, and pray, Sir, 
 
 after the many preffing Letters you received 
 
 G
 
 42 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 from me, how came this Truth concealed ? 
 but I guefs your Motive ; dry up your Tears, 
 Lucinda, at laft you have found a Father. 
 Hence ye degenerate, ye abandon'd wretches, 
 who, abufing the Confidence of your Coun- 
 try, unite to plunder thofe ye promife to 
 protect. 
 
 Luc. Am I then juftified ? 
 
 Path. You are : your Father was my firft 
 and firmeft Friend, I mourn'd his Lofs; 
 and long have fought for thee in vain, Lu- 
 cinda. 
 
 Buck. Pray han't I fome Merit in finding 
 her, {he's mine by the Cuftom of the Ma- 
 nor. 
 
 path. Yours Firft ftudy to deferve her ; 
 (he's mine, Sir ; I have juft redeem'd this 
 valuable Treafure, and mall not truft it in 
 a Spendthrift's Hands. 
 
 Buck. What would you have me do, 
 Sir? 
 
 path. Difclaim the Partners of your 
 Riot, polifh your Manners, reform your 
 Pleasures, and before you think of go- 
 verning others, learn to dired: yourfelf. 
 And now, my beauteous Ward, we'll for 
 the Land where firft you faw the Light, 
 and there endeavour to forget the long 
 long Bondage you have fuffer'd here. I 
 jfuppofe, Sir, we {hall have no Difficulty 
 
 in
 
 in P A R I S. . 43 
 
 In perfuading you to accompany us 5 it is 
 not in France I am to hope for your Re- 
 formation. 1 have now learn'd, that he 
 who tranfports a profligate Son to Paris, by 
 Way of mending his Manners, only adds 
 the Vices and Follies of that Country to 
 thofe of his own. 
 
 I N I S.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Spoken by Mifs MACKLIN. 
 
 rom my Guardian's tyrannical Sway, 
 By a fortunate Voyage on a profperous Day, 
 I am landed in England, and new muft endeavour, 
 By fome Means or other to curry your Favour. 
 
 Of what Ufe to be freed frcm a Gallic Subjection, 
 Unlefs Pmfecure of a Britifh Protection. 
 Without Cajh, but om Friend and he too juft made, 
 Egad I've a Mind to fet up fome Trade \ 
 Of what Sort ! in the Papers Pll publt/h a Puff 
 Which wont fail to procure me Cujtom enough : 
 * c 'That a Lady frcm Paris is lately arrived 
 " Who with exquijite Art has nicely contrived 
 " The bejl Paint for the Fact, the be/} P aft e for 
 
 " the Hands, 
 
 " A Water for Freckles, for Flufiings, and Tans. 
 " She can teach you the melior Coeffeurefcr the Head^ 
 " To lifp amble and fimper and put en the Red; 
 " To rival, to raliy^ to backbite^ andfneer y 
 " Um no ; that they already know pretty well here. 
 
 " The Beaux Jhe injlrufts to bow with a Grace, 
 '* The happieft Shrug, the neweft Grimace. 
 4 To parler Francois -fib, flatter, and dance, 
 " Which iy very near all that they teach ye in 
 *' France. 
 
 " Not
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 ** Not A Buck, nor a Elocd^ through the whole 
 
 " Englilh Nation* 
 But his Rougbnefs Jhe'll foften, his Figure Jhe* II 
 
 " fa/kion. 
 
 tte metre ft John 'Trot in a Week you Jhall zee- 
 te Bien poli bien frize tout a fait un Marquis." 
 
 What d*yi think of my Plan, is it fornfd to your 
 
 Gout ? 
 
 May I hope for Difciples in any of you. 
 Shall I tell you my Thoughts, without Guik^ without 
 
 Art* 
 Vhcugh abroad I've been Ired, I have Britain **> 
 
 Heart. 
 
 Then take this Advice y ishich I give for her Sake, 
 Tou'll gain nctbbig by an) Exchange you can make^ 
 In a County of Commerce, too g cat ihe Expence 
 For their Baubles and Bows, to give your good btitfe.
 
 THE 
 
 AUTHOR; 
 
 A 
 
 COME D Y 
 
 OF TWO ACTS, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 THEATRES ROYAL 
 
 I N 
 
 DRURY-LANE 
 
 AND 
 
 THE HAY-MARKET. 
 
 By Mr. FOOT E. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. LOWNDES, in Fleetjlreet\ and 
 W. N i c o L L, in St. Paurs Church-Tard. 
 
 ( PRICE ONE SHILLING. )
 
 PROLOGUE* 
 
 WRITTEN and SPOKEN by Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 SEVERE their Taflc, who in this critic Age, 
 With frefh Materials furnifh out the Stage 1 
 Not that our Fathers drain'd the comic Store; 
 Frefh Characters fpring up as heretofore 
 Nature with Novelty does (till abound; 
 On every Side frefti Follies may be found. 
 But then the Tafte of every Gueft to hit, 
 To pleafe at once, the Gali'ry, Box, and Pit ; 
 Require's at leafi no common Share of Wit. 
 
 Thofe who adorn the Orb of higher Life, 
 Demand the lively Rake, or modifh Wife; 
 Whilft they, who in a lower Circle move, 
 Yawn at their Wit, and flumber at their Love. 
 If light, low Mirth employs the comic Scene, 
 Such Mirth, as drives from vulgar Minds the Spleen ; 
 The polifh'd Critic damns the wretched Stuff, 
 And crys, " 'twill pleafe the Gall'ries well enough." 
 Such jarring Judgments who can reconcile, 
 Since Fops will frown, where humble Traders fmile f 
 
 To dafti the Poet's ineffeftual Claim; 
 And quench his Thirll for univerfal Fame, 
 The Grecian Fabulift, in moral Lay, 
 Has thus addrefs'd the Writers of this Day. 
 
 Once on a Time, a Son and Sire we're told, 
 The Stripling tender, and the Father old, 
 Purchas'd a Jack-Afs at a country Fair, 
 To eafe their Limbs, and hawk about their Ware: 
 But as the fluggifh Animal was weak, 
 They fear'd, it both mould mount, his Back wou'd break : 
 Up gets the Boy ; the Father leads the Afs, 
 And through the gazing Crowd attempts to pafs ; 
 Forth from the Throng, the Grey-beards hobble out, 
 And hail the Cavalcade with feeble Shout. 
 ^ This the Refpeft to reverend Age you fhew ? 
 " And this the Duty you to Parents owe ? 
 " He beats the Hoof, and you are fet aftride; 
 " Sirrah! get down, and let your Father ride." 
 A 2
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 As Grecian Lad* were feldom void of Grace, 
 
 The decent, duteous Youth, refign'd his Place. 
 
 Then afreih Murmur thro' the Rabble ran ; 
 
 Boys, Girls, Wives, Widows, all attack the Man. 
 
 " Sure, never was brute Beaft fo void of Nature ! 
 
 " Have you no Pity for the pretty Creature? 
 
 " To your own Baby can you be unkind ? 
 
 " Here ! Suh, Bill, ettjp\it the Child behind." 
 
 Old Dapple next the Clowns' Companion ciaim'd ; 
 
 " 'Tis Wonderment, them Boobies ben't afham'd. 
 
 " Two at a Time upon a poor dumb Beaft! 
 
 * They might as well have carry 'd he at leaft." 
 
 The Pair, ftill pliant to the partial Voice, 
 
 Difmount and bear the Afe Then what a Noife ! 
 
 Huzzas, loud Laughs, low Gibe, and bitter Joke, 
 
 From the yet filent Sire thefe Words provoke : 
 
 V Proceed, my Boy, nor heed their farther Call, 
 
 " Vain his Attempt, who ftrives to pleafe them all !' 

 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN by a LADY, 
 And SPOKEN by Mrs. CLIVE. 
 
 WELL thank my Stars, that I have done my Ta!k, 
 And now throw off this aukward, idiot Mafk. 
 Cou'd we fuppofe this Circle fo refin'd, 
 Who feck thofe i'leafures that improve the Mind, 
 Cou'd from fuch Vulgarifms feel Delight, 
 Or laugh at Characters fo unpolite ? 
 
 Who come to Pla) s, to fee, and to be feen ; -y 
 
 Not to hear things that (hock, or give the Spleen ; C 
 
 Who (hun an Opera, when they hear 'tis thin ? ^ 
 
 " Lord ' do you know?" fays Lady Bell " I'm told 
 " That Jacky Dapple got fo great a Cold 
 ' Laft Tuefday Night There waVt a Creature chere; 
 " Not a Male Thing to hand one to cne's Chair ! 
 " Divine Mingotti ! what a Swell has {he ! ~} 
 
 " O ! fuch a Suftinuto upon B ! C 
 
 " Ma'am, when (he's quite in Voice (he'll go to C." j> 
 '* Lord !" fays my Lady Englijh " here's a Pother ! 
 " Go where (he will, I'll never fee another." 
 (Her Ladyfaip, half-choak'd with London Air, 
 And brought to Town to fee the Sights and flare.) 
 " Fine Singing that ! I'm fure it's more like fcreaming; 
 " To me, I vow, they're all a Pack of Women ! 
 " Oh Barbare ! Inhumana ! Tramontane ! 
 " Does not this Creature come from Pudding-lane 1 
 tf Look, look, my Lord! She goggles ! Ha, ha, pray be 
 
 quiet ; 
 
 " Dear Lady Sell, for (hame ! You'll make a Riot. 
 " Why will they mix with us to make this Rout? 
 " Bring in a Bill, my Lord, to keep 'em oat." 
 " We'll have a Tafte Ad, faith !" my Lord replied ; 
 
 '* And (hut out all, that are not qualified." 
 
 Thus Ridicule is bounded like a Ball, j 
 
 Srruckby the Great, then anfwer'd by the Small; 
 While we, at Times, return it to you all. ^ 
 
 A (kilful Hand will ne'er your Rage provoke ; 
 For though it hits you, you'll applaud the Stroke ; 
 Let it but only glance, you'll never frown ; 
 Nay, you'll forgive, tho't knocks yoar Neighbour down. 
 A 3
 
 Dramatis Perfonce. 
 
 Governor Cape, 
 
 Mr. BRANSBY. 
 
 Young Cape, 
 
 Mr. Ross. 
 
 Sprightly, 
 
 Mr. USHER. 
 
 Cadwallader, 
 
 Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 Poet, 
 
 Mr. WALKER. 
 
 Vamp, 
 
 Mr. YATES. 
 
 Printer's Devil, 
 
 Mr. V A UGH AN. 
 
 
 
 Robin, 
 
 Mr. SIMSON*. 
 
 Mrs. Cadwallader, 
 
 Mrs. CLIVE. 
 
 Mifs Arabella, 
 
 Mifs BARTON.
 
 THE 
 
 AUTHOR; 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 A C T I. S C E N E I. 
 
 Governor CAPE and ROBIN. 
 
 Governor. \ N D he believes me dead, Robin ? 
 JL\. Rob. Moft certainly. 
 
 Gov. You have given him no Intimation that 
 his Fortunes might mend? 
 
 Rob. Not a diftant Hint. 
 
 Goz\ How did he receive the News ? 
 
 Rob. Calmly enough : When I told him that 
 his Hopes from Abroad were at an End, that the 
 Friend of his deceafed Father thought he had done 
 enough in putting it in his Power to earn his own 
 Livelihood, he replied 'twas no more than he had 
 A 4 long
 
 a Jfc A U T H O R. 
 
 long expected, charged me with his warmeft 
 Acknowledgments to his concealed Benefac- 
 tor, thanked me for my Care, fighed and left 
 me. 
 
 Gov. And how ha$ he lived fince? 
 
 Rolf. Poorly, but honeftly : To his Pen he owes 
 all his Subfiftence. I am fure my Heart bleeds 
 for him : Conli-.ler, Sir, to what Temptations you 
 expofe him. 
 
 Gov. The feverer his Trials, the greater his 
 Triumph. Shall the Fruits of my honeft Induftry, 
 the Purchafe of many Perils, be lavifh'd on a 
 lazy luxurious Booby, who has no other Merit 
 than being born five and twenty Years after me ? 
 No, no, Robin ; him, and a Profusion of Debts, 
 were all that the Extravagance of his Mother left 
 me. 
 
 Rob. You lov'd her, Sir ? 
 
 Gov. Fondly, nay, foolifhly, or Neceflity had 
 not compell'd me to feek for Shelter in another 
 Climate. 'Tis true, Fortune has been favourable 
 to my Labours ; and when George convinces me 
 that he inherits my Spirit, he ihall fhare my Pro- 
 perty, not elfe. 
 
 Rcb. Confider, Sir, he has not your Opportu- 
 nities. 
 
 Gt>i\ Nor had I his Education. 
 
 Rob. As the World goes, the worft you cou'd 
 have given him. Lack-a-day ! Learning, Learn- 
 ing, Sir, is no Commodity for this Market -, no- 
 thing makes Money here, Sir, but Money ; or 
 fome certain falhionable Qualities that you would 
 not wilh your Son to poflels. 
 
 Gov. Learning ufelefs ! Impoffible ! Where 
 are the Oxfords, the Halifaxes, the great Protec- 
 tors and Patrons of the Liberal Arts ? 
 
 Rob.
 
 &e AUTHOR. g 
 
 Rob. Patron IThe Word has loft its Ufe ; a 
 Guinea Subscription at the R.equeil of a Lady, 
 \vhofe Chambermaid is acquainted with the Au- 
 thor, may be now and then pick'd up Pro- 
 teclor ! Why I dare believe there's more Money 
 laid out upon Ijlmgton Turnpike in a Month 
 than upon all the learned Men in Great -Britain 
 in feven Years. 
 
 Gov. And yet the Prefs groans with their Pro* 
 ductions ! How do they all exift ? 
 
 Rcb. In Garrets, Sir; as, if you will flep to 
 your Son's Apartment in the next Street, you will 
 lee. 
 
 Gov. But what Apology fhall we make for the 
 Vifit ? 
 
 Rob. That you want the Aid of his Prcfef- 
 iion a well-penn'd Addrefs now from the Sub- 
 je<fts of your late Government, \vith your gracious 
 Reply, to put into the News-papers. 
 
 Gov. Aye ! is that Part of his Practice ? Weil, 
 lead on, Rclir.. 
 
 Scene dra~jvs and difco'jers Young CAPE with the 
 Printer's Devil. 
 
 Cape. Prythee, go about thy Bufinefs 
 
 Vanim, dear Devil. 
 
 Devil. Mailer bid me not come without the proof; 
 he lays as how there are two other Anfwers ready 
 for the Prefs, and if your's don't come out a Sa- 
 turday 'twon't pay for the Papery but you are 
 always fo lazy : I have more Plague with y>u 
 There's Mr. Guzzle, the Tranilator, never keeps 
 me a Minute ,unlefs the poor Gentleman hap- 
 pens to be fuddled.
 
 4 ^AUTHOR. 
 
 Cape. Why, you little footy, fniv'ling, diaboli- 
 cal Puppy, is it not fufficicnt to be plagu'd with 
 the Stupidity of your abfurd Matter, but I muft 
 be pefter'd with your Impertinence ? 
 
 Devi'. Impertinence ! Marry, come up, I 
 
 keep as good Company as your Worfhip every 
 
 Day in the Year There's Matter Clench, in 
 
 Little Britain, does not think it beneath him to 
 take Part of a Pot of Porter with me, tho' he 
 has wrote two Volumes of lives in Quarto, and 
 has a Folio a coming out in Numbers. 
 
 Cape, Harky', Sirrah, if you don't quit the 
 Pvoom this Inftant, I'll mew you a fhorter Way into 
 the Street than the Stairs. 
 
 Devil. I mall fave you the Trouble Give 
 
 me the French^ Book that you took the Story from 
 for the laft Journal. 
 
 Cape. Take it (throws it at him) 
 
 Devil. What, d'ye think it belongs to the Cir- 
 culating Library, or that it is one of your own 
 Performances, that you 
 
 Cape. You lhall have a larger- -(Exit Devil.) 
 
 'Sdeath ! a pretty Situation I am in ! And are 
 thefe the Fruits I am to reap from a long, labo- 
 rious, and expenfive 
 
 Re-enter Devil. 
 
 Devil I had like to have forgot, here's your 
 Week's Pay for the Nevvs-paper, five and five- 
 pence, which, with the two and-a-penny Matter 
 pafs'd his Word for to Mrs. Suds your Waflier- 
 woman, makes the three Half Crowns. 
 
 Cape. Lay it on the Table. 
 
 Dtvil. Here's a Man on the Stairs wants you ; 
 by the Sheepifhnefs of his Looks, and the Shab- 
 binefs of his Drefs, he's either a Pick-pocket, or 
 
 Poet
 
 We A U T H O R. 5 
 
 Poet Here, walk in, Mr. What-fye-ca.il- urn, 
 
 the Gentleman's at Home. 
 
 (Surveys ike Figure^ laughs, and exit.) 
 
 Enter Poet. 
 
 Poet. Your Name I prefume is Cepi ? 
 
 Cape. You have hit it, Sir. 
 
 Poet. Sir, I beg Pardon ; you are a Gentleman 
 that writes ? 
 
 Cape. Sometimes. 
 
 Poet. Why, Sir, my Cafe, in a Word, is this; 
 I, like ycu, have long been a Retainer of the 
 Mufes, as you may fee by their Livery. 
 
 Cap:. They have not difcarded you, I hope ? 
 
 Peel. No, Sir, but their upper Servants, the 
 
 Bookfellers, have. 1 printed a Collection of 
 
 Jefts upon my own Account, and they have ever 
 fince refufed to employ me ; you, Sir, I hear are in 
 their Graces; Now I have brought ycu, Sir, three 
 Imitations of Juvenal in Profe ; Yxfl/s Oration for 
 Milo, in blank Verfe ; two Eflays on the Britijh 
 Herring-Fifhery, with a large Collection of Re- 
 bulfes ; which if you will difpofe of to them, in 
 your own Name, we'll divide the Profits. 
 
 Cape* I am really, Sir, forry for your Diftrefs, 
 but I have a larger Cargo of my own manufac- 
 turing than they chufe to engage in. 
 
 Pod. That's pity ; you have nothing in the 
 compiling, or index Way, that you wou'd intruft 
 to the Care of another ? 
 
 Cape. Nothing. 
 
 Poet. I'll do it at half Price. 
 
 Cape. I'm conccrn'd it is not in my Power at; 
 
 prefent to be ufeful to you ; but if this Trifle 
 
 Foe:.
 
 6 m AUTHOR. 
 
 Poet. Sir, your Servant. Shall I leave you 
 any of my 
 
 Cape. By no Means. 
 
 Poet. An Eflay, or an Ode ? 
 
 Cape. Not a Line. 
 
 Poet. Your very obedient. (Exit Poet. 
 
 Cape. Poor Fellow! and how far am J removec', 
 from his Condition? Virgil had his Pdlio^ Horace^ 
 his Mecxnasi Martial, his Pliny. My Protectors 
 are Title-page* the Publilher ; Vamp, the Bookfeller ; 
 and Index^ the Printer. A moft noble Triumvi- 
 rate j and the Rafcals are as profcriptive and arbi- 
 trary as the famous Roman one, into the Bargain. 
 
 Enter SPRIGHTLY. 
 
 Sprt. "What! in Soliloquy, Gwgr, reciting 
 fome of the Pleafantries, I iuppofe, in your new 
 Piece ? 
 
 Cap\ My^Difoofitkm has, at prefent, very little 
 of the Vis Comic a. 
 
 S+ri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cap \ Survey that Mafs of Wealth upon the 
 Table; all my own, and earn'd in little more 
 than a Week. 
 
 .S/>r\ Why 'tis an inexhaustible Mine ! 
 
 Cape. Ay, and delivered to me, too, with all 
 the foft Civility of Billing fgate by a Printer's 
 Prime Minifter, call'd a Dtvil. 
 
 Spri. I met the Imp upon the Stairs. But I 
 thought thefe Midwives to the Mufes were the 
 Idolizcrs of )'ou, their favourite Sons? 
 
 Cc.pe. Our Tyrants ! Tow. Had I indeed a 
 pofthumous Piece of Infidelity, or an amorous 
 Novel, decorated with lufcious Copper-Plates, 
 the Slaves would be civil enough. 
 
 Spri.
 
 fke A U T H O R. 7 
 
 Spri. Why don't you publifh your own Works? 
 
 Cape. What ! and paper my R.oom with 'em ? 
 No, no, that will never do ; there are Secrets in 
 all Trades ; our's is one great Myftery, but the 
 Explanation v/ou'd be too tedious at prefent. 
 
 Spri. Then why don't you divert your Attention 
 to foine other Object ? 
 
 Cape. That Subject was employing my 
 Thoughts. 
 
 Sp/'i How have you refolved? 
 
 Cape. I have, I think, at prefent, two Strings 
 to my Bow: If my Comedy fucceeds, it buys me 
 a Commiffion ; if my Miftrefs, my Laura, proves 
 kind, I am fettled for Life ; bur, if both my 
 Cords fnap, adieu to the Qujll, and welcome the 
 Mufket. 
 
 Spri. Heroically determined! But apropos 
 
 how proceeds your honourable Pafiion ? 
 
 Cape. But flowly I believe I have a 
 
 Friend in her Heart, but a moft potent Enemy 
 in her Head : You know, I am poor, and me is 
 prudent. With regard to her Fortune too, I 
 believe her Brother's Confent eflentially neceflary 
 But you promifed to make me acquainted 
 with him ? 
 
 Spri. I expect him here every Inftant. He 
 may, George* be ufeful to you in more than one 
 Capacity ; if your Comedy is not crouded, he is 
 a Character, I can tell you, that will make no 
 contemptible Figure in it. 
 
 Cape. His Sifter gave me a Sketch of him la{l 
 Summer. 
 
 Spri. A Sketch can never convey him. His 
 Peculiarities require infinite Labour and high Fi- 
 nifhing. 
 
 Cap:. Give me the Out-lines ? 
 
 Spri.
 
 8 rbe A U T H O R. 
 
 Spri. He is a Compound of Contrarieties ; 
 Pride and Meannefs j Polly and Archnefs : At 
 the fame Time that he wou-'d take the Wall of a 
 Prince of the Blood, he wou*d not fcruple eating 
 a fry'd Saufage at the Mrjs;-ga:e. There is a 
 JMinutenefs, now and then, in his Descriptions ; 
 and fome whimfical, unaccountable Turns in 
 his Converfadon, that are entertaining enough : 
 But the Extravagance and Oddity of his ban- 
 ner, and the B'oaft of his Birth, compleat his 
 Character. 
 
 Cap?. Bur hovv will a Perfon of his Pride and 
 Pedigree, relifh the Humility of this Apartment r 
 
 Spri. .OH,. he is prcparM - You are, George, 
 tho* prodigiouily learn'd and ingenious, an ab- 
 ftracted Being, odd and whimfical ; the Cafe with 
 all you great Genius's : You love the S.iug, the 
 Chimney-Corner of Life ; and retire to this ob- 
 fcure Nook merely to avoid the Importunity of 
 the Great. 
 
 Cap.: Your Serrant - - But what Attraction 
 can a Character of this Kind have for Mr. Cadwal- 
 
 Spri. Infinite ! next to a Peer, he honours a 
 Poet ; and modeftly imputes his not making a 
 Figure in the learned World him felt" to the Ne- 
 
 fledt of his Education -- hum ! he's on the 
 -tairs - on with your Cap, and open your 
 Book. Remember great Dignity and Abience. 
 
 En'tr VAMP. 
 
 Cape. Oh, no; 'cis Mr. Vamp: Your Com- 
 mands, good Sir ? 
 
 Vamp. I have a Word, Mailer Cc.p-:^ for your 
 private Ear. 
 
 Cape.
 
 We A U T H O R. 9 
 
 Cap \ You may communicate ; this Gentleman 
 is a Friend. 
 
 Vamp. An Author ? 
 
 Cap?. Voluminous. 
 
 Vamp. In what Way ? 
 
 Cap.:. Univerfal. 
 
 Vamp. Blefs me ! he's very young, and exceed- 
 ingly well rigg'd j what, a good Subfcriptioa, I 
 reckon ? 
 
 Cape. Not a Month from Leyden ; an admi- 
 rable Theologilr. ! he fludy'd it in Germany; if you 
 mould want fuch a Thing now, as ten or a dozen 
 manufcript ;.-ermons, by a deceas'd Clergyman, I 
 believe he can fupply you. 
 
 Vamp. No 
 
 Cape. Warranted Originals. 
 
 Vamp. No, no ; I don't deal in the Sermon 
 Way, now ; I loft Money by the laft I printed, 
 for all 'twas wrote by a Methodift ; but I believe, 
 Sir, if they ben't long, and have a good deal of 
 Latin in 'em, I can get you a Chap. 
 
 Sprr. For what, Sir ? 
 
 Vs.mp. The Manufcript Sermons you have 
 wrote, and want to difpoie of. 
 
 Spri. Sermons that I have wrote ? 
 
 Vamp. Ay, ay ; Matter Cape has been telling 
 me 
 
 Spri. He has ; I am mightily oblig'd to him. 
 
 Vamp. Nay, nay, don't be afraid ; I'll keep 
 Council ; old Vamp had not kept a Shop fo long 
 at the Turnftile, if he did not know how to be 
 fecret; why, in the Year Fifteen, when I was in 
 the treafonable Way, I never iqueak'd ; I never 
 gave up but one Author in my Life, and he was 
 clying of a Confumption, fo it never came to a 
 Trial. 
 
 Sprr
 
 xo Me A U T H O JL 
 
 Spri. Indeed! 
 
 Vamp. Never look here (Shews tie 
 
 of bis Head.} crop'd clofe ! bars as a Board ! 
 
 and for Nothing in the World but an inno- 
 cent Book of Bawdy, as I hope for Mercy : Oh ! 
 the Laws are very hard, very fevcre upon us. 
 
 Spri. You have given me, Sir, fo pofitive a 
 Proof of your Secrecy that you 'may rely upon 
 my Communication. 
 
 Vamp. You will be fafe but, gadfo ! we 
 
 muft mind Bufinefs, tho*. Here, Mailer Cape, you 
 muft provide me with three taking Titles for thefe 
 Pamphlets, and if you can think of a pat Latin 
 Motto for the largeft - 
 Cape. They lhall be done. 
 Vamp. Do fo, do fo. Books are like Women, 
 Matter Cape ; to ftrike they muft be well-drefs'd ; 
 fine Feathers make fine Birds ; a good Paper, an 
 elegant Type, a handfome Motto, and a catching 
 Title, has drove many a dull Taatife thro* three 
 Editions : Did you know Harry Handy ? 
 Spri. Not that I reco'left. 
 Vamp. He was a pretty Fellow ; he had his 
 Latin, ad axguem, as they fay ; he wou'd have 
 turn'd you a Fable of Dryderfs, or an Epiftle of 
 Pcpe's, into Latin Verfe in a Twinkling ; except 
 Peter Hafty, the Voyage- writer, he was as great 
 a Lofs to the Trade as any within my Memory. 
 Cape. What carry 'd him off? 
 Vamp. A Halter; hang'd for clipping and coin- 
 ing, Matter Caps; I thought there was fomething 
 the Matter by his not coming to our .Shop for a 
 Month or two : He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Spri. Were you a great Lofer by his Death ? 
 . Vamp. I can't fay ; as he had taken to ano- 
 ther Courfe of Living, his Execution made a 
 Noifc ; it fold me fevcn Hundred of his Tranf- 
 
 lations,
 
 rbe A V T H O R. ii 
 
 lations, befides his laft dying Speech and Confef- 
 fion ; I got it ; he was mindful of his Friends in 
 his laft* Moments : He was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 Gz.v. You have no farther Commands, Mr. 
 Vampf 
 
 Vamp. Net at prefent ; about the Spring I'll 
 deal with you, if we can agree for a Couple of 
 Volumes in OAavo. 
 
 Sin. Upon what Subject ? 
 
 Vamp, i leave that to him \ Mailer Cape knows 
 what will do, tho' Novels are a pretty light Sum- 
 mer Pleading, and do very well at Tuntridge, Bnf- 
 /&/, and the other watering Places : No bad Com- 
 modity for the Weft-India Trade neither ; let 'em 
 be Novels, Mailer Cape. 
 
 Cape. You fhall be certainly fupply'd. 
 
 Vamp. I doubt not ; pray how does Index go 
 on with your Journal ? 
 
 Cape. He does not complain. 
 
 Vamp, Ah, I knew the Time but you have 
 
 over-ftock'd the Market. . 'Titlcpage and I had 
 once lik'd to have engaged in a Paper. We had 
 got a young Cantab for the Eflays ; a pretty Hif- 
 torian from Aberdeen ; and an Attorney's Clerk 
 for the true Intelligence ; but, I don't know how r , 
 it drop'd for Want of a Politician. 
 
 Cape. If in that Capacity I can be of any 
 
 Vamp. No, thank you, MafterGzp<?; in half a 
 Year's Time, I have a Grandfon of my own that 
 will come in ; he's now in training as a Waiter at 
 the Cocoa-Tree CofTee-houfe ; I intend giving him 
 the Run of Jonathan's for three Months, to under- 
 ftand Trade and the Funds ; and then, I'll Hart 
 him- no, no, you have enough on your 
 Hands ; Itick to your Buiinefs ; and, d'ye hear, 
 B 'ware
 
 *2 'The A U T H O R. 
 
 'ware clipping and coining ; remember Harry 
 Handy ; he was a pretty Fellow ! 
 
 (v,7. 
 
 Spri. And Fm fure thou art a moft extraordi- 
 nary Fellow ! But prythee, George, what cou'd 
 provoke thee to make me a Writer of Sermons ? 
 
 Cape. You teemed defirous of being acquainted 
 with our Bufmefs, and I knew old Vamp would 
 ler you more into the Secret in five Minutes than 
 I could in as many Hours. 
 
 ( Knocking biloK, L u L ) 
 
 Spri. Cape, to your Poft ; here they are e'faith, 
 a Coachful ! Let's lee, Mr. and Mrs. Cadwalfaderj 
 and ) our Flame, the Sifter as I live ! 
 
 (Cadwallader izitkout.} 
 
 Pray, by the bye, han't you a Poet above ? 
 
 (JWtttottt.) Higher up. 
 
 Cad. Egad, 1 wonder what makes your Poets 
 have luch an Avcrfion to middle Floors ; they 
 are always to be found in the Extremities 5 in 
 Garrets, or Cellars 
 
 Enter M>'. and Mrs. C.DWALLADER and 
 ARABELLA. 
 
 Cad. Ah ! Sprightly ! 
 
 Spri. Hum! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! what's the Matter ? 
 
 Spri. Ha d at it ; unt witting Ibme knotty Point ; 
 totally ablbrb'd ! 
 
 Cad. Gadfo! what ! that's he ! Beck, Bell, .there 
 he is, egad, as great a Poet, and as ingenious a 
 what's he about ? Hebrew ? 
 
 Spri. Weaving the whole JEneid into a Tra- 
 gedy : I have been here this half Hour, but he 
 has not mark'd me yet. 
 
 Cad. Cou'd not 1 take a Peep ? 
 
 Sfri.
 
 We A U T H O R. 13 
 
 Sfri. An Earthquake wou'd not route him. 
 
 Cad. He feems in a damn'd Paffion. 
 
 Cape. The Belt of Pallas, nor Prayers, nor 
 Tears, nor fupplicating Gods, fhall fave thee now. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Zounds ! what the Devil ? who ? 
 
 Cape. Pallas ! te hoc vuhere^ Pallas //- 
 
 molaty 6? -p&nam feeler city ex fatiguing Jvmit / 
 
 CacL Damn your Palace ! 1 vvifh I was well 
 out of your Garret. 
 
 Cape. Sir, 1 beg ten thoufand Pardons : Ladies, 
 your moft devoted. You will excufc me, Sir ; 
 but, being juft on the Cataftrophc of my Tragedy, 
 1 am afraid the poetic Furor may have betray'd 
 me into fome Indecency. 
 
 Sprr. Oh, Mr. Cadwalladcr is too great a Ge- 
 nius himlelf not to allow for thefe intemperate 
 Sallies of a heated Imagination. 
 
 Cad. Gen ius ! Look ye here ! Mr. Wbai's-ycur- 
 name ? 
 
 Cape. Cape. 
 
 Cad. Cafe! True; tho' by the bye here, hey! 
 you live devilifli high ; but perhaps you may 
 chufe that for Exercife, hey ! Sprightly ! Genius ! 
 Look'e here, Mr. Cape % I had as pretty natural 
 
 Parts, as fine Talents ! but, between you 
 
 and I, I had a ckmn'd Fool of a Guardian, an ig- 
 norant, illiterate, ecod- he cou'd as foon pay 
 
 the national Debt as write his own Name, and fo 
 was refolvM to make his ward no wiler than him- 
 felf, I think. 
 
 Spri. Oh ! fye ! Mr. d^wftlla^er^ you don't do 
 yonrfelf Juftice. 
 
 Cape. Indeed, Sir, we murt ccntradi(fl you, we 
 can't fuffer this Defamation. 1 have more than 
 once heard Mr. Cadizalladtr's lrc - ary Acquifuions 
 loiu'ly talk'd of. 
 
 B 2 Cad
 
 14 ?l>e A U T H O R. 
 
 Cat?. Have you ? no, no, it can't be, hev f 
 
 tho', let me tell you, lad Winter, before i had the 
 Meaflesj I cou'd have made as good a Speech 
 upon any Subject, in Italian, Fre;:cb. G rman, 
 
 but I am all unhing'd ! all Oh ! Lord, Mr. 
 
 C?v, this is Bfiky , my dear Becky. Child, this is a 
 great Poet ah, but me does not know what that 
 is a little foolifh or fo, but of a very good Family 
 here, Becky, Child, won't you alk Mr. Cafe to 
 come and fee you ? 
 
 Mrs. CaJ. As Dicky fays, I mall be glad to fee 
 you at our Houfe, Sir. 
 
 Cane. I have too great a Regard for my own 
 Happinefs, iV'a'am, to mifs fo certain an Oppor- 
 tunity of creating it. 
 
 Mis.Ca , Hey ! what? 
 
 Cap.-. My Inclinations, as well as my Duty, I 
 fay, will compel me to obey your kind injunc- 
 tions. 
 
 Mrs. Cad, What does he fay, our Bell? 
 
 Arab. Oh, that he can have no greater Pleafure 
 than waiting on you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm fure that's more his Goodnefs 
 than my Defert j but when you ben't better en- 
 gag'd we mou'd be glad of your (. ompany of an 
 Evening to make one with our Dicky, Sifter Bill, 
 and I, at Whifk and Swabbers. 
 
 Cad. Hey, ecod, do, Cape, come and look at 
 her Grotto and Shells, and fee what me has got- 
 well, he'll come, Beck, ecod do, and fhe'll 
 come to the third Night of your Tragedy, hey ! 
 
 won't you, Beck? isn't me a fine Girl? hey, 
 
 you; humour her a little, do ; hey, Ee.k; he 
 
 fays you are as fine a Woman as ever he ecod 
 
 who knows but he may make a Copy of Verfes 
 no you? there, go, and have a little Chat 
 
 with
 
 *ke A U T H O R. 15 
 
 with her, talk any Nonfenfe to her, no Matter 
 \vhar ; fhe's a damn'd Fool, and wo'n't kno.v the 
 
 Difference there, go, B..ck - - well, 
 
 S. 'rgfay, hey! what! are you and B'tl like to 
 come together ? Oh, ecod, they tell me, Mr 
 Srrigb.'tv, that you have frequently Lords, and 
 Vilcounts, and Earls, that take a Dinner with 
 you ; now 1 fhou'd look upon it as a very parti- 
 cular Favour, if you wou'd invite me at the fame 
 Time, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Sfri. You may depend on it, 
 
 Cad. Will you ? Gad, that's kind; for between 
 you and I, Mr. Sprightly 9 I am of as antient a Fa- 
 mily as the belt of them, and People of Fafhion 
 fliou'd know one another, you knew. 
 
 Spri. By all Manner of Means. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! . mould not they fo ? When you 
 have any Lord, or Baron, nay egad, if it be but 
 a Baronet, or a Member of Parliament, I Ihou'd 
 take it as a Favour-. 
 
 / You will do them honour; they muft 
 all have heard of the Antiquity of your Houfe. 
 
 Cad. Antiquity ! hey ! Buk, where's my Pedi- 
 gree ? 
 
 Mr?. Cad. Why at Home, lock'd up in the 
 Butler's Pantry. 
 
 Cad. In the Pantry ! What the Devil ! how of- 
 ten have I bid you never to come out without it ? 
 
 Mr:. Cad. Lord ! What fignifies earn ng fuch 
 alumbeiing Thing about? 
 
 Cad. Signifies ! you are a Fool B ck. Why, fup- 
 pofe we mould have any Difputes when we are 
 abroad about Precedence, how the Devil mall 
 we be able to fettle it ? But you mall fee it at 
 Home. Oh Becky, come hither, we will refer 
 
 our Difpute to (They #o apart.) 
 
 B 3 " Arah
 
 i6 Tbe A U T H O R. 
 
 Arab. Well, Sir, your Friend has prevail'd ; 
 and you are acquainted with my Brother ; but 
 what Uie you propofe- j 
 
 Cape. The Pleafure of a more frequent Admif- 
 fion td you. 
 
 Arab. That all! 
 
 Cape. Who knows but a ftric"l Intimacy with 
 Mr. Cadwallader may in Time incline him to fa- 
 vour my Hopes ? 
 
 Arab. A fandy Foundation ! Cou'd he be pre- 
 vail'd upon to forgive your Want of Fortune j 
 the Obfcurity, or at leaft Uncertain!}', of your 
 Birth will prove an unfurmountable Bar. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold, Beck ; zounds ! you 
 are fo 
 
 Spri. Well, but hear him out, Ma'am. 
 
 Cape. Confider, we have but an Inflant. What 
 Project ? What Advice ? 
 
 /Irak. O fye ! You would be afham'd to re- 
 ceive Succour from a weak Woman ! Poetry is 
 your'Proreflion, you know j fo that Plots, Con- 
 trivances, and all the Powers of Imagination, are 
 more peculiarly your Province. 
 
 Cape. Is this a Seafon to rally ? 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold ; afk Mr. Cape. 
 
 Arab. To be ferious then ; if you have any 
 Point to gain with my brother, your Application 
 mufl be made to his better Part. 
 
 Cape. I underfland you ; plough with the 
 Heifer ? 
 
 Arab. A delicate Allufion, on my Word ! but 
 take this Hint .Amongft her Paffions, Admira- 
 tion, or rather Adoration, is the Principal. 
 
 tape. Oh; that is her Foible ? 
 
 slrab. One of them ; agdnft that Fort you 
 mufl plant your Batteries But here r .hey a
 
 1'be A U T H O R. 
 
 7 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I tell you, you are a nonfenfe Man, 
 and I won't agree to any fuch Thing : Why, what 
 fignifies a Parliament Man ? You make fuch a 
 Rout indeed. 
 
 Cad. Hold, .S.-T/'v, my Dear, don't be in a Paf- 
 fion now, hold; let us reafon the Thing a little, 
 my Dear. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I tell you I won't ; what's the Man 
 an Oafe ? I won't reafon, I hate Reafon, and fo 
 there's an End on't. 
 
 Cad. Why then you are obftinate, ecod per- 
 verfc. Hey, but my Dear now, Becky, that's a 
 
 good Girl : Hey ! come, hold, hold Egad, 
 
 we'll refer it to Mr. Cape. 
 
 Mrs. CaJ. Defer it to \vho you will, it wilt 
 fignify nothing. 
 
 Cape. Blefs me ! what's the Matter, Madam ? 
 Sure, Mr. CadwaVader, you muft have been to : 
 blame ; no inconfiderable Matter cou'd have ruf- 
 fled the natural Softnefs of that tender and deli- 
 cate Mind. 
 
 Arab. Pretry well commenced. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why he's always a Fool, I think ; 
 he wants to fend our little Dicky to School, and 
 make him a Parliament Man. 
 
 Cape. How old is Maiter, Ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Three Years and a Quarter, come 
 Lady-day. 
 
 Cape. The Intention is rather early ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! early ? hold, hold ; but Becky mif- 
 takes the Thing, egad I'll tell you the whole Affair. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. You had better hold your Chatter- 
 ing, fo you had. 
 
 Cad. Nay, prythee, my Dear ; Mr. Sprig&h 
 do, ftop her Mouth, hold, hold. The Matter, M 
 Ca. e, is this. Have you ever feen my D:cky ? 
 B 4 C*j>
 
 i8 tti A U T H O R. 
 
 Cape. Never. 
 
 Cad. No ! Hold, hold, egad he's a fine, a fen- 
 fible Child ; I tell Becky he's like her, to keep 
 her in Humour , but between you and i he has 
 more Senfe already than ail her Familv put to- 
 gether. Hey ! Becky I is not Dicky the Picture 
 of you? He's a fweet Child ! Now, Mr. die, 
 you muft know, I want to put little Dicky to 
 School ; now between hey ! yon, hold, you, 
 hold, the great Ufe of a School is, hey ! egad, 
 for Children to make Acquaintances, . that may 
 hereafter be ufeful to them: For between you 
 and I, as to what they learn there, does not 
 fignify Two-pence. 
 
 Cape. Not a Farthing. 
 
 Cad. Does it, hey ? Now, this is our Dif- 
 pute, whether poor little Dicky, (he's a fweet Boy) 
 (hall go to Mr. !^u<f-GeniuSs at E-tgwart, and 
 make an Acquaintance with my young Lord 
 Knap, the eldeft Son of the Earl of Fiize, or to 
 Dr. yiffffpttffcr's at Barnet, to form a Frier-d- 
 fhip with young Stocks, the rich Broker's only 
 Child. 
 
 Cap\ And for which does the Lady deter- 
 mine ? 
 
 C,.d. Why I have told her the Cafe ; fays J, 
 B:cky, my Dear, who knows, if Dicky goes to 
 Qu<f-Getiitu\ but my Lord Knap may take fuch 
 a Fancy to him, that upon the Death of his 
 Father, and he comes to be Earl of Friz? , he may 
 make poor little Dicky a Member of Parliament ? 
 
 Mrs* Cad. Ay, but then if Dicky goes to Tickle- 
 piicbtr's, who can tell but young Stocks, when 
 he comes to his Fortune, may lend him Money 
 if he wants it ? 
 
 Cad.
 
 5^ A U f H O R. 19 
 
 CflJ. And if he does not want it, he won't take 
 after his Father, hey ! Well, what's your Opinion, 
 Mafter Owe ? 
 
 Cave. Why, Sir, I can't but join with the 
 Lady, Money is the main Article ; it is that that 
 makes the Mare to go. 
 
 C.'.d, Hey ! egad, and the Aldermen too, 
 you ; fo D cky may be a Member, and a Fig for 
 my Lord : Well, Becky, be quiet, he mall flick 
 to Stock . 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, let'n ; I was fure as how I was 
 
 right. 
 
 Cad. Well, hum Becky. Mr. Cave, will you 
 eat a Bit with us To-day, hey ! will you ? 
 
 Cape. You command me. 
 
 Cid. That's kind; why then B-'cky and -Sell 
 mall ftep and order the Cook to tofs up a little 
 
 nice -Hey ! will you, B<dy ? Do, and I'll 
 
 bring Cape. 
 
 Mrs.-Cad. Ay, with all my Heart. Well, Mr. 
 Jvbat-d'yt-call-um, the Poet ; ecod the Man's well 
 enough Your ervant. 
 
 C.ipe. I am a little too much in Difhabille to 
 offer your Ladymip my Hand to your Coach. 
 
 Cad. Pmaw ! never mind, I'll do it Here you 
 have Company coming. 
 
 (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Cad. and Arab. 
 
 Enter GOVERNOR, and ROBIN*. 
 
 Cape. Ah, Matter Robin ! 
 
 Rob. Why, you have a great Levee this Morn- 
 tog, Sir. 
 
 Cape. Ay Robin, there's no obfcuring extraor- 
 dinary Talents. 
 
 Rcb.
 
 io rbe -A U T H O R. 
 
 Rib. True, Sir ; and this Friend of mine begs 
 to claim the Benefit of them. 
 
 Cape. Any Friend of" your's : But how can I be 
 Serviceable to him? 
 
 jR'Y. Why,, Sir, he is lately return'd from a 
 profitable Government ; and, as you know the 
 tinfatisfied Mind of Man, no foouer is one Object 
 poifcf&'d, .but another darts up to 
 
 Gap t \ A Truce to moralizing, dear Robin, to 
 the Matter -, I am a little bufy. 
 
 Rob* In a Word then, this Gentleman, having 
 2 good deal of Wealth, is dciirous of a little 
 Honour. 
 
 Cape. How can I confer It? 
 
 Rob. Your Pen may. 
 
 Cap?. I don't underfland you ? 
 ; Rob. Why touch him up a handfome com- 
 plimentary Addrefs from his Colony, by Way of 
 praifing the Prudence of his Adminiftration, his 
 Juftice, Valour, Benevolence, and 
 
 Caw. I am lorry 'tis impoflible for me now 
 to mifunderftand you. The Obligations I owe 
 you, Roliti, nothing can cancell ; othenvite, this 
 
 wou'd prove our laft Interview. Your Friend, 
 
 Sir, has been a little miftaken, in recommending 
 me as a Perfon fit for your Purpofe. Letters have 
 been always my Paflion, and indeed are now my 
 Profeffion ; but tho' I am the Servant of the 
 Public, 1 am nor the Proftitute of Particulars : 
 As my Pen has never been ting'd with Gall, to 
 gratify popular Rcfentment, or private Pique, fo 
 IT iliall never facrifice its integrity to flatter Pride, 
 impofe Falfnood, or palliate Guilt. Your Merit 
 nay be ^rear, but let thofe, Sir, be the Heralds 
 of your Worth, who are betrer acquainted with >r. 
 
 GOV,
 
 We A U T H O R. it 
 
 Gov. Young Man, I like your Principles and 
 Spirit ; your manly Refulal gives me more Plea- 
 fure than any Honours your Papers cou'd have 
 procur'd me. 
 
 Spri. Now this Bufmefs is difpatch'd, let us 
 
 return to our own Affairs You dine at 
 
 CadicaUadtr's ? 
 
 Cnpe. I do. 
 
 'Spri. Wou'd. it not be convenient to you, to 
 have him out of the Way ? 
 
 C..p\ Extremely. 
 
 Spri. I have a Project, that I think will pre- 
 vail. 
 
 Cape. Of what kind ? 
 
 Spri. Bordering upon the Dramatic ; but the 
 Time is fo preffing, I mall be at a Lofs to pro- 
 cure Performers. Let's fee Robin is a fure 
 
 Card A Principal may eafily be met with ; 
 
 but where the Duce can I get an Interpreter ? 
 
 Rob. Offer yourfelf, Sir ; it will give you an 
 Opportunity of more clofely infpecting the Con- 
 duft of your Son. 
 
 Cov. True. Sir, tho' a Scheme of this Sort 
 may ill fuit with my Character and Time of 
 Life, yet from a private Intereft I take in that 
 Gentleman's Affairs, if the Means are honour- 
 able 
 
 Spri. Innocent upon my Credit. 
 
 GCT. Why then, Sir, I have no Objection, if 
 you think me equal to the Tafk 
 
 Spri. Moft happily fitted for it. I fhou'd not 
 
 have taken the Liberty But hulh ! He's 
 
 return'd. . 
 
 Enter
 
 22 tffc A U T H O R. 
 
 Enter CADWALLADER. 
 
 Spri. My dear Friend ! the luckiefl Circum- 
 flance ! 
 
 Cad. .Hey ! how ? Stay ! hey ! 
 
 Spri. Yon fee that Gentleman ? 
 
 Cad. Well, hey ! 
 
 Spri. Do you know who he is ? 
 
 Cc.d. Not I. ' 
 
 Spri. He is Interpreter to Prince Pvtowowfly, 
 
 Cad. Wowfky ! Who the Devil is he ? 
 - Spri* Why the Tartarian Prince, that's come 
 over Ambaffador from the Cham of the Q/ 
 mucks. 
 
 Cad.. Indeed ! 
 
 . Spri. His Highnefs has juft fent me an Invita- 
 tion to dine with him; now every Body that 
 dines with a Tartarian Lord has a Right to car-* 
 ry with him what the Latins call'd his Umbra 5 
 in their Language it is Jablanoujky. 
 
 C d. Jabhmufiyl well? 
 
 Spri. Now, if you will go in that Capacity, I 
 ihall be glad of the Honour. 
 
 Cd''. i ic vr ! why wou'd you carry me to dine 
 with his Royal Highnefs ? 
 
 Sp'i. With Pieaiure. 
 
 Ca-f. My dear Friend, I mall take it as the 
 
 greatefl Favour, the greatefl Obligadon J 
 
 " ihail never be able to return it. 
 
 Spri. Don't mention ir. 
 
 Cud. Hey ! but hold, hold, how the Devil 
 mall I get off with the Poet? You know I have 
 afk'd him to Dinner. 
 
 Spri. Oh, the Occafion will be Apology fuffi- 
 
 cient ;
 
 ^AUTHOR. 23 
 
 cient ; befides, there will be the Ladies to re- 
 ceive him. 
 
 Cad. My dear Mr. Cape, I beg ten thoufand 
 Pardons, but here your Friend is invited to 
 
 Dinner with Prince what the Devil is his 
 
 Name ? 
 
 Spri. Potow u-Jky. 
 
 Cad. True; now, Sir, ecod he has been fo 
 kind as to offer to carry me as his Jablanoufiy, 
 wou'd you be fo good to excufe 
 
 Cap?. By all Means; not a Word, I beg. 
 
 Cad. That is exceeding kind ; I'll come to 
 you after Dinner ; hey ! flay, but is there any 
 Ceremony to be ufed with his Highnefs ? 
 
 Spri. You dine upon Carpets, crofs-leg'd. 
 
 C*d. Hey ! hold, hold, crofs-legg'd ! Zounds ! 
 that's odd, well, well, ycu ihall teach me. 
 
 Spr;. And his Highnefs is particularly pleafed 
 with thofe amongft his Guefts that do honour to 
 his Country Soop. 
 
 Cad. Oh ! let me alone for that ; but fliould 
 not I drefs ? 
 
 Spr?. No, there's no Occafion for it. 
 
 Cad. Dear Friend, forgive me ; nothing Ihou'd 
 take me from you but being a HobUin Wifk\\ 
 Well, I'll go and ftudy to lit crofs-legg'd, 'till 
 you call me. 
 
 Spri. Do fo. 
 
 C.id. His Highnefs Poti'aowjky ! This is the 
 luckieft Accident ! 
 
 (*//. 
 
 &pr. Hah ! hah ! hah ! but how will you 
 conduct your Enterprize ? 
 
 Spri. We'll carry him to your Friend Robin's ; 
 drefs up one of the under Actors- in a ridi- 
 culous
 
 24 tte A U T H O R. 
 
 culous Habit ; this Gentleman lhall talk a little 
 Gibberilh with him. Til compofe a Soop of 
 fome naufeous Ingredients ; let me alone to 
 manage. But do you chufe, Sir, the Part \ve 
 have affign'd? 
 
 Gcv. As it feems to be but a harmlefs Piece 
 of Mirth, I have no Objection. 
 
 Sprt. Well then, let us about it ; come, Sir. 
 
 Cap. 3 . Mr. Sprightly ! 
 
 Spri. What's the Matter ? 
 
 Cape. Wou'd it not be right to be a little 
 fprucc, a little fmart upon this Occafion ? 
 
 Spri. No Doubt; drefs, drefs, Man; no Time 
 is to be loft. 
 
 Cape. Well ; but Jack, I cannot fay that at 
 prefent I 
 
 Spri. Prythee explain. What would you 
 fay? 
 
 Cape. Why then, I cannot fay, that I have 
 any other Garments at Home. 
 
 Spri. Oh, I underitand you, is that all ? Here, 
 here, take my 
 
 Cape. Dear Sprightly^ I am quite afhamed, 
 and lorry. 
 
 Spri. That's not fo obliging, George ; what \ 
 
 forry to give me the greateft Pleafure that 
 
 But I have no Time for Speeches ; I muft run 
 to get ready my Soop. Come, Gentlemen. 
 
 Rob. Did you obferve, Sir ? 
 
 Gw. Moft feelingly! But it will foon be 
 over. 
 
 Rob. Courage, Sir ; Times perhaps may change. 
 
 C.ipf. A poor Profpect, Robin ' But this Scheme 
 of Life at leail muft be changed ; for what Spi- 
 rit, with the Icaft Spark of Generofity, can fup- 
 
 port
 
 fbe A U T H O R. 25 
 
 port a Life of eternal Obligation, and difagrce- 
 able Drudgery f Inclination not confulted, Ge- 
 nius cramp'd, and Talents mifapply'd ! 
 
 What Profpedt have thofe Autho stobe read, 
 Whofe daily Writings earrj their daily Bread ? 
 
 (Exeunt Omnes. 
 
 END . OF THE FiPx T ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 26 tte A U T H O R. 
 
 ! 
 
 'w*L. . - ~_i^sU 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 
 APE and Mrs. CADWALLADER at 
 Cards. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. "XTOU want Four, and I Two, 
 j[ and my Deal : Now, Knave 
 noddy - no, Hearts be Trumps. 
 
 Cape. I beg. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. ^VVill you flock 'em ? 
 
 Cape. Go on, if you pleafe, Madam. 
 Mrs. Cad. Hearts again One, Two, Three ; 
 One, two, - hang 'em, they won't flip, Three. 
 Diamonds the Two : Have you higher than 
 the Queen ? 
 
 Ca^-e. No, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Cud. Then there's higheft - and loweft, 
 by Gom. Games are even ; you are to deal. 
 
 Cape. Plhaw ! hang Cards ; there are other 
 Amufements better fuited to a tete-a-tcte than any 
 the four Aces can afford us. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. What Paftimes be they ? - We 
 ben't enough for hunt the Whittle, nor Blind- 
 
 Man's
 
 The A U T H O R. 27 
 
 ManVBuff; but I'll call our Bel/, and Robin the 
 Butler. Dicky will be hear an bye. 
 
 Cape. Hold a Minute. I have a Game to pro- 
 pole, where the Prefence of a third Perfon, elpe- 
 cially Mr. Cadwallader's, wou'd totally ruin the 
 Sport. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, what can that be ? 
 
 Cape. Can't you guefs ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Not I ; Queflions and Commands, 
 mayhap. 
 
 Cape. Not abfolutely that . fome little 
 
 Refemblance ; for I am to requeft, and you are 
 to command. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh daify ! that's charming. I ne- 
 ver play'd at that in all my born Days ; come, 
 begin then. 
 
 Cape. Can you love me ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Love you ! But is it in Jell or 
 Earneft ? 
 
 Cape. That is as you pleafe to determine. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. But mayn't I afk you Queflions 
 too? 
 
 Cape. Doubtlefs. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why then, do you love Me ? 
 
 Cape. With all my Soul. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Upon your Sayfo. 
 
 Cape. Upon my Sayfo. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. I'm glad on't with all my Heart. 
 This is the rareft Paftime 
 
 Cape. But you have not anfwer'd my Quef- 
 tion. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ? that's true. Why, I believe 
 there's no Love loft. 
 
 Cap'. So ; our Game will fcon be over ; I 
 C lhall
 
 2 The A U T H O R. 
 
 fhall be op at a Deal. I wilh I mayn't b? 
 engag'd to play deeper here than I intended 
 tho'. {Afidt. 
 
 Mrs. Cud. Wei!, now 'tis your Turn. 
 
 Caps. True ; aye ; but zooks you are too hafly ; 
 the Pleafure of this Play, like hunting, does not 
 confift in immediately chopping the Prey. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No ! How then ? 
 
 Cape. Why, firft I am to ftart you, then run 
 you a little in View, then lofe you, then unravel 
 all the Tricks and Doubles you make to efcape 
 me- 
 
 You fly o\r H.dge and Stile, 
 I purfue for maty a Mtle, 
 Tou grow tir'd at la/I, and quat, 
 Then I catch you, and all that. 
 
 Mrs.. Cad. Dear me, there's a deal on't ! I fhall 
 never be able to hold out long ; 1 had rather be 
 taken in View. 
 
 Cap?. I believe you. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, come, begin and ftart me, 
 
 that I may come the fooner to quatting 
 
 Hum ! here's Sifter ; what the deuce brought 
 her ! Bell will be for learning this Game too, but 
 don't you teach her for your Life, Air. Poet. 
 
 Enter ARABELLA. 
 
 Arab. Your Manteau-maker, with your new 
 Sack, Sifter. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Is that ajl ? She might have ftay'd, 
 I think. 
 
 Arab. What, you were better engaged ? But 
 don't be angry. I am forry I interrupted you. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 fbe A U T H O R. 29 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hey ! now will I be hang'cl if me 
 oen't jealous of Mr. Poet -, but I'll liften, and fee 
 the End on't, I'm reiblv'd. (Ajlde and exit. 
 
 A^ab. Are you concerned at the Interruption too? 
 
 Cape. It was a very feafonable one, 1 promife 
 you ; had you ftay'd a little longer, I don't know 
 what might have been the Confequence. 
 
 Arab. No Danger to your Perfon, I hope ? 
 
 C.ipe. Some little Attacks upon it. 
 
 Arab. Which were as feebly refitted, 
 
 C:ipe. Why, confider, my dear Bell ; tho' your 
 Sifter is a Fool, me is a fine Woman, and Flelh 
 is frail. 
 
 Asrb. Dear Belli And Flefli is frail ! We are 
 grown ftrangely familiar, I think ? 
 
 Cape. Heydey ! In what Corner fits the Wind 
 now ? 
 
 Arab* Where it may poffibly blow ftrong 
 enough to overfet your Hopes. 
 
 Cape. That a Breeze of your Breath can do. 
 
 Arab. Affeded ! 
 
 Cape. You are obliging, Madam ; but, pray, 
 what is the Meaning of all this ? 
 
 Arab. Alk your own guilty Confcience. 
 
 Cape. Were I inclined to flatter myielf, this 
 little Paffion wou'd be no bad Prefage. 
 
 Arab. You may prove a falfe Prophet. 
 
 Capt. Let me die, if I know what to 
 But to defcend to a little common Senfe ; what 
 Part of my Conduit 
 
 Arab. Lcoky', Mr. Capt, all Explanations are 
 unneceflary : I have been lucky enough to difco- 
 ver your Difpofiuon before it is too late ; and fo 
 
 you know there's no Occafion but however, 
 
 I'll not be any Impediment to you ; my Sifter 
 C z will
 
 S o Vbe A U T H O R. 
 
 will be back immediately ; I fuppofe my Pre- 
 
 fence will only But confider, Sir, I have a 
 
 Brother's Honour 
 
 Caps. Which is as fafe from me as if it was 
 lock'd up in your Brother's Clolet : But furely, 
 Madam, you are a little capricious here ; have 
 I done any thing but obey your Directions ? 
 
 Arab. That was founded upon a Suppofition 
 that but no Matter. 
 
 Cap-. That what ! 
 
 Ari'.b. Why, I was weak enough to believe 
 what you was wicked enough to proteft 
 
 Cape. That I lov'd you ; and what Reafon have 
 I given you to doubt it ? 
 
 Arab. A pretty Situation I found you in at my 
 Entrance ! 
 
 Cap". An aflumed Warmth, for the better con- 
 cealing the Fraud. 
 
 Mrs. Cid. What's that ? (Afide, lifining. 
 
 Cap?. Surely, if you doubted my Conftancy, you 
 muft have a better Opinion of my Understanding. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Mighty well ! (Afide. 
 
 Cap?. What an Ideot ! a Driveler ! no Confi- 
 deration upon earth, but my paving the Way to 
 the Pofleffion of you, could have prevailed upon 
 me to fupport her Folly a Minute. 
 
 Enter Mrs. CADWALLADER. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. So ! Mr. TV', you are a pretty 
 Gentleman, indeed ! Ecod, I'm glad I have caught 
 you. I'm not fuch a Fool as you think for, Man. 
 But here will be Dicky prefently ; he fhall hear of 
 your Tricks, he mall : I'll let him know what a 
 pretty Perfon he has got in his Houfe. 
 
 Cap?
 
 Tie A U T H O R. 31 
 
 Cape. There's HO parrying this ; had not I bet- 
 ter decamp ? 
 
 Arab. And leave me to the Mercy of an Ene- 
 my : My Brother's Temper is fo odd, there's no 
 knowing in what Light he'll fee this. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh, he's below, I hear him. Now 
 we mall hear what he'll fay to you, Madam. 
 
 Enter CADWALLADER, GOVERNOR, SPRIGHTLY, 
 and ROBIN,. 
 
 Cad. No, pray walk in, Mr. Interpreter-, between 
 you and I, I like his Royal Highnefs mightily ; 
 he's .a polite, pretty, well bred Gentleman 
 but damn his Soop. 
 
 Gw Why, Sir r You eat as if you lik'd it. 
 
 Cad. Lik'd it .! hey, egad, I would not eat ano^ 
 ther Mefs to be his Matter's Prime Minifter ; as 
 bitter as Gall, and as black as my Hat ; and 
 there have I been fitting thefe two Hours, with 
 my Legs under me, till they are both as dead 
 as a Herring. 
 
 Cape. Your Dinner difpleas'd you ? 
 
 Cad. Difpleas'd! hey! Looky' Mr. Sprightly, 
 I'm mightily obliged to you for the Honour ; but 
 hold, hold, you mall never perfuade me to be a 
 Hobblinviijky again, if the great Cham of the Cal~ 
 much were to come over himfelf. Hey ! ano 1 
 what a damn'd Language he has got ? Whee, 
 haw, haw ! but you fpeak it very fluently. 
 
 GGU, I was long refident in the Country. 
 
 Cad. May be fo, but he feems to fpeak it bet- 
 ter J you have a foreign Kind of an Accent, you 
 don't found it thro' the Nofe fo well as he. Hey t 
 welly Be(ky y what, and how have you entertain'd Mr. 
 Cape? C 3 Mr*
 
 32 ^AUTHOR. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Oh ! here have been fine Doings 
 lince you have been gone. 
 
 Cape. So, now comes on the Storm. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, what has been the 
 Matter ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Matter ! why the Devil is in the Poet, 
 I tink. 
 
 Cad. The Devil ! hold. 
 
 Mi s. Cad. Why here he has been making Love 
 to me like bewitch'd. 
 
 Cad. How, which Way ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why fome on't was out of his Poe- 
 try, I think. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, egad 1 believe he's a 
 little mad ; this Morning he took me for King 
 TurKu;, you j now who can tell but this After- 
 noon he may take you for Queen Dido ? 
 
 Mrs, Cad. And there he told me I was to run, 
 and to double, and quat, and there he was to 
 catch me, and all that. 
 
 Ccd. Hold, hold, catch you ! Mr. Cape, I take 
 it very unkindly ; it was, d'ye fee, a very un- 
 friendly Thing tp make Love to Becky in my Ab- 
 fence. 
 
 Cape. But, Sir ! 
 
 Cad. And it was the more ungenerous, Mr. Cape, 
 to take this Advantage, as you know flic is but a 
 foolifh Woman. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay ! me, who am but a foolifh Wo- 
 man. 
 
 C^ps- But hear me. 
 
 Cad. A poor ignorant, illiterate, poor Becky ! 
 And for a Man of your Parts to attack 
 
 Cape. There's no 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, ecod it is juft as if the Grand 
 
 Signior,
 
 tffe A U T H O R. 33 
 
 Signior, at the Head of his JanifarieSj was to kick 
 a Chimney-fweeper. 
 
 Mrs,. Cad. Hey ! what's that you fay, Dickv ; 
 what ! be I like a Chimney-Sweeper '? 
 
 W. Hey ! hold, hold. Zounds! no, Beck-, 
 Jity ! no : Thar's only by Way of Simile, to let 
 him fee I underfland your Tropes and Figures 
 as well as himlelf, egad ! and therefore 
 
 Spri. Nay, but Mr. CadvaUader ! 
 
 Cad f Don't mention it, Mr. Sprightly, he is the 
 firft Poet I ever had in my Houfe, except the Bell- 
 man for a Chriftmas Box. 
 
 Spri. Good Sir ! 
 
 Cad. And hold, hold ; I am refolved he hall be 
 the laft. 
 
 Spri. I have but one Way to filence him. 
 
 Cad. And let me tell you 
 
 Spri. Nay, Sir, if I muft tell him ; he owes his 
 Reception here to my Recommendation ; aoy 
 Abufe of your Goodnefs, any Breach of Hofpi- 
 tality here, he is anfwerable to me for. 
 
 Cad. Hey .? hold, hold, fo he is, ecod ; at him ; 
 give it him home. 
 
 Spri. Ungrateful Monfter ! and is this your Re- 
 turn for the open, generous Treatment- 
 
 Mrs. Cad. As good fry'd Cow-heel, with a 
 roaft Fowl and Saufages, as ever came to a 
 Table, 
 
 Cad. Hum, Beck, hum \ = 
 
 Spri. And cou'd you find no other Object but 
 Mr. Cadwallader, a Man, perhaps, pofTefled of a 
 Genius fuperior to your own 
 
 Cad. If I had had an Univerfity Education 
 
 Spri. And of a Family as old as the Creation. 
 
 Cad. Older ! Beck, fetch the Pedegree, 
 
 C 4 Spri,
 
 34 
 
 A U T H O R. 
 
 Spri. Thus far relates to this Gentleman ; but 
 no\v, Sir, what Apology can you make me, who 
 was your paflport, your Security ? 
 
 Cad. Zounds, none ; fight him. 
 pri. Fight him ! 
 
 Cad. Ay, do; I'd fight him myfelf, if I had 
 not had the Meafles lafl Winter ; but (lay till I 
 get out of the Room. 
 
 Spri. No, he's fure of a Protection here, the 
 Preience of the Ladies. 
 
 Cad. Pfhaw ! Pox ! they belong to the Family, 
 never mind them. 
 
 Spti. Well, Sir, are you dumb? No Excufe ? 
 No Palliation ? 
 
 Cad. Ay, no Palliation ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, no Tribulation ? It's a Shame, 
 fo it is. 
 
 Cape. When I have Leave to fpeak - 
 
 Cad. Speak ! what the Devil can you fay ? 
 
 .Cape. Nay, Sir - 
 
 Spri. Let's hear him, Mr. Cadwallader, however. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold ; come, begin then. 
 
 Cape. And firfl to you, Mr. Sprightly, as you 
 feem more interefled ; pray does this Charge cor- 
 refpond with any other Action of my Life fince 
 I have had the Honour to know you ? - - 
 
 Spri. Indeed, I can't fay that I recoiled, but 
 {till as the Scholiafts fay Nemo refente turpijfimus. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what's that? 
 
 Spri. Why that is as much as to fay, this is 
 bad enough. 
 
 Mrs. Lad. By Gofh ! and fo it is. 
 
 Cad. Ecod, and fo it is. Speak a little more 
 Latin to him ; if I had been bred at the Univer- 
 fity 9 you Ihould have it both Sides of your Ears,
 
 Ibe A U T H O R. 35 
 
 Cape. A little Patience, Gentlemen. Now, Sir, 
 to ) r ou ; you were pleafed yourfelf to drop a few- 
 Hints of your Lady's Weaknefs ; might not flic 
 take too ferioufly what was meant as a meer 
 Matter of Merriment ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold. 
 
 Spri. A paltry Excufe ; can any Woman be 
 fuch a Fool as not to know when a Man has a 
 Defign upon her Perfon ? 
 
 Cad. Anfwer that, Mr. Cape, hey ! anfwer that. . 
 
 Cape. I can only anfwer for the Jnnocency of 
 my own Intentions; may not your Lady, appre- 
 henfive of my becoming too great a Favourite, 
 contrive this Charge with a View of deflroying the 
 Connexion 
 
 Spri. Connexion ! 
 
 Cad. Hey ! hold, hold, Connexion ! 
 
 Spit. There's fomething in that. 
 
 Cad. Hey! is there? Hold, hold, hey! egad, 
 
 he is right You're right, Mr. Cafe ; hold 
 
 Becky, my Dear, how the Devil cou'd you be fo 
 wicked, hey ! Child ; ecod, hold, hold, how 
 could you have the Wickednefs to attempt to de- 
 ilroy the Connexion ? 
 
 Mr-.. Cad. I don't know what you fay. 
 
 Cad. DV'e hear ? You are an Incendiary, but 
 you have mifs'd your Point ; the connexion mall 
 be only the ftronger. My dear Friend, I beg ten 
 thoufand Pardons, I was too halty ; but ecod, 
 Bcctys to blame. 
 
 Cape. The Return of your Favour has effaced 
 every other Impreffion. 
 
 Cad. There's a good-natured Creature ! 
 
 Cape. But if you have the leaft Doubts remain- 
 ing, this Lady, your Sifter, I believe, will dome 
 the Juilice to own - 
 
 Mr s .
 
 36 ne A U T H O R, 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Ay, afc my Fellow if I be a Thief 
 
 Cad. What the Devil is Becky at now ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. She's as bad as he. 
 
 Cad. Bad as he ! Hey ! how ! what the Devil, 
 Ihe did not make Love to you too ? Stop, hey, 
 hold, hold, hold. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Why no, Foolifh, but you are al- 
 ways running on with your Riggmonrovvks, and 
 won't flay to hear a Body's Story out. 
 
 Cad. Well, Beck, come let's have it. 
 
 Mrs Cad. Be quiet then ; why, as I was telling 
 you, firft he made kove to me, and wanted me to 
 be a Hare. 
 
 Cad. A hare ! hold, ecod, that was whimfical ; 
 a hare ! hey ! oh ecod, that might be becaufe he 
 thought you a little hare-brainM already. Becky, a 
 damn'd good Story. Well, Becky, go on, let's 
 have it out. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No, I won't tell you no more, fo J 
 won't. 
 
 Cad. Nay, prythee, Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Hold your Tongue then ; And fo 
 there he was going on with his Nonfenfe, arid fo 
 in came our hell; and fo 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, Becky ; damn your So's ; go 
 on, Child, but leave out your So's ; it's a low 
 hold, hold, vulgar but go on. 
 
 Mrs Cad. Why how can I go on when you 
 ftop me every Minute ? Well, and then our Bell 
 came in and interrupted him ; and methought Hie 
 looked very frumpifh and jealous. 
 
 Cad. Well. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And fo I went out ard liften'd. 
 
 Cad. So ; what you fiaid and llften'd ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. No ; I tell you upon my flaying, 
 
 fhc
 
 The A U T H O R. 37 
 
 Hie went out; no upon my going out, 
 
 /he ftaid. 
 
 Cad. This is a damn'd blind Story, but go on, 
 Beck. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And then at firft me fcolded him 
 roundly for making Love to me ; and then he 
 faid as how fhe advifed him to it ; and then Ihc 
 iaid no ; and then he faid 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold; we mall never underftand 
 all thefe He's and She's ; this may all be very true, 
 JBeck, but hold, hold ; as I hope to be fav'd, thou- 
 are the worft Teller of a Mory 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Well, I have but a Word more ; 
 and then he faid as how I was a great Fool. 
 
 Cad. Not much miftaken in that. (Afule 
 
 Mrs, Cad. And that he would not have ftayed 
 with Me a Minute, but to pave ,-the Way to the 
 Poffeffion of She ? 
 
 Cad. Well, Betk, well.? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. And fo that's al\. 
 
 Cad. Make Love to Her, in order to get PofTef- 
 fion of You ? 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Love to Me, in Order to get She. 
 
 Cad. Hey! Oh, now I begin to underftand. 
 Hey! What's this true, EtU? Hey! Hold, hold, 
 hold; ecod, I begin to fmoke, hey ! Mr. C..pn \ 
 
 Cape. How mall J att ? 
 
 Rob. Own it, ir, I have a Re?.fon. 
 
 Cad. Well, what fay you, Mr, Cafe* Let's 
 have it without Equi vocation ; or, hold, hold, 
 hold, mental Refervation. Guilty, or not ? 
 
 Cafe. Of what, Sir? 
 
 Cad. Of what ! Hold, hold, of making Love 
 to Bell. 
 
 Cafe. Guilty, 
 
 OK/.
 
 3 S tte A U T H O R. 
 
 Cad. Hey ! how ? Hold, Zounds ! No, what 
 not with an Intention to marry her ? 
 
 Cafe. With the Lady's Approbation, and your 
 kind Confent. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, what my Confent to marry 
 You? 
 
 Cafe. Ay, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold, hold ; what our Bell to 
 mix the Blood of the Cadwaliaders with the 
 Puddle of a Poet ! 
 
 Cafe. Sir ! 
 
 Cad. A petty, paltry, ragged, rhiming 
 
 Spri. But Mr. 
 
 Cad. A fcribbling, hold, hold, hold, 
 
 Garretteer ! that has no more Cloathes than Backs, 
 no more Heads than Hats, and no Shoes to his 
 Feet. 
 
 Sfri. Nay, but 
 
 Cad. The Offspring of a Dunghill ! born in a 
 Celler. Hold, hold, and living in a Garret-' a 
 Fungus ! a Mulhroom ? 
 
 Cafe. Sir, my Family 
 
 Cad. Your Family ! Hold, hold, hold.- -Peter, 
 fetch the Pedigree ; I'll mew you Your Fa- 
 mily ! a little obfcure hold, hold, I don't 
 
 believe you ever had a Grandfather. . 
 
 Enter PETER with the Pedigree. 
 
 There it is ; there j Peter, help me to ftretch it 
 out : There's feven Yards more of Lineals, befides 
 three of Collaterals, that I expect next Monday 
 from the Herald's Office ; d'ye fee, Mr. Sprightly ? 
 
 Spri. Prodigious ! 
 
 Cad. Nay, but looky' there's Welch Princes, and 
 
 Ambaffadors,
 
 rfo A U T H O R. 39 
 
 Ambadors, and Kings of Scotland, and Members 
 of Parliament : Hold, hold, ecod, I no more 
 mind an Earl or a Lord in my Pedigree, hold, 
 hold, than Kculi Khan wou'd a Sergeant in the 
 Train'd Bands. 
 
 Spri. An amazing Defcent ! 
 
 Cad. Hey, is it not ? And for this low, loufv, 
 Son of a Shoemaker, to talk of Families hold, 
 hold, get out of my Houfe. 
 
 Rob. Now is your Time, Sir. 
 
 Cad. Mr. Sprightly, turn him out. 
 
 Gov. Stop, Sir, I have a Secret to difclofe, 
 that may make you alter your Intentions. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold : how, Mr. In'erpieter? 
 
 Gov. You are now to regard that young Man 
 in a very different Light, and conlider him as my 
 Son. 
 
 Cape. Your, Son, Sir ! 
 
 Gcv. In a Moment, Ge;rge t the Myfteries fhall 
 be explain'd. 
 
 Cad. Your Son ! Hold, hold ; and what then ? 
 
 Gov. Then ! Why then he is no longer the 
 Scribbler, the Mufhroom you have defcribed ; bur 
 of Birth and Fortune equal to your own. 
 
 Cad. What ! the Son of an Interpreter equal 
 to Me. A Fellow that trudges about, teaching 
 of Languages to foreign Counts ! 
 
 Gov. A Teacher of Languages! 
 
 Cad. Stay ; ecod, a Runner to Moafieurs and 
 Marquifles ! 
 
 Spri. You are miftaken, Sir. 
 
 Cad. A Jack-pudding! that takes Fillips on the 
 Note for Six-pence a Piece ! Hold, hold, ecod, 
 give me Eighteen-penny worth, and change for 
 Half a Crown. 
 
 Gtv
 
 40 the A U T H O R. 
 
 Gov. Stop when you are well. 
 
 Cad. A Spunger at other Men's Tables! that 
 has Jallop put into his Beer, and his Face black'd 
 at Chriftmas for the Diveriicn of Children. 
 
 Gov. I can hold no longer. 'Sdeath, Sir, who 
 is it you dare treat in this Manner ? 
 
 Cad. Hey, Zounds, Mr. Spright'y, lay hold of 
 him 
 
 Spri. Calm your Choler. Indeed, Mr. Cal- 
 wallader, nothing cou'd excufe your Behaviour 
 to this Gentleman but your miftaking his Perfon. 
 
 Cad. Hold, hold. Is not he Interpreter to 
 
 Spri. No. 
 
 Cad. Why did not you tell 
 
 Spri. That was a Miftake. This Gentleman 
 is the Prince's Friend ; and by long Refidence in 
 the Monarch's Country is perfect Mailer of the 
 Language. 
 
 Cad. But who the Devil is he then ? 
 
 $pri. He is Mr. Cape, Sir ; aManofunble- 
 mifh'd Honour, capital Fortune, and late Gover- 
 nor of one of our moft confiderable Settlements. 
 
 Ca.{. Governor ! Hold, hold, and how came 
 you Father to hey ! 
 
 G:v. By marrying his Mother. 
 
 Cafe. But how am I to regard this ? 
 
 Goi\ As a folemn Truth ; that foreign Friend, 
 to whom you o\ve your Education was no other 
 than myfelf ; I had my R.eafons, perhaps capri- 
 cious ones, for concealing this ; but now they 
 ceafe, and I am proud to own my Son. 
 
 Cape. Sir ; it is not for me (knedmg^) but if 
 Gratitude, Duty filial 
 
 Gc'V. Rife, my Boy, I have ventured far to fix 
 thy Fortune, George ; but to find thee worthy of 
 
 it
 
 fto A U T H O R. 41 
 
 it more than overpays my Toil ; the Reft of my 
 Story fhall be referv'd till we are alone, 
 
 Cad. Hey ! Hold, hold, hold ; ecod, a good 
 feniible old Fellow this ; but havky' Sprightly, I 
 have made a damn'd Blunder here : Hold, hold, 
 Mr. Governor, I aik ten thoufand Pardons ; but 
 who the Devil cou'd have thought that the Inter- 
 preter to Prince Potcivo'wjky 
 
 Gov. Oh, Sir, you have in your Power fuffici- 
 ent Means to atone for the Injuries done us both. 
 Cad. Hold, how ? 
 
 GW. By beftowing your Sifter with, I flatter 
 myfelf, no great Violence to her Inclinations here. 
 Cad. What, marry Bell? Hey! Hold, hold-, 
 Zounds, Bell, take him, do ; 'ecod, he is a good 
 
 likely hey ? Will you ? 
 
 Aral. I fhan't difobey you, Sir. 
 Cad. Shan't you ? That's right. Who the De- 
 vil knows but he may come to be a Governor 
 himfelf; hey! Hold, hold; come here then, 
 give me your Hands both ; (Joins tbeir Hands') 
 There, there, the Bufmefs is done* And now, 
 
 Brother Governor 
 
 Gov. And now, Brother Cadwallader. 
 Cad. Hey, Beck / Here's fornething now for 
 my Pedigree j we'll pop in the Governor to- 
 morrow. 
 
 Mrs. Cad. Harky' Mr. Governor, can you give 
 me a black Boy and a Monkey ? 
 
 Cad. Hey ! ay, ay, you ihall have a black Boy, 
 and a Monkey, and a Parrot too, Reck. 
 
 Spri. Dear George, I am a little late in my 
 
 Congratulations ; but 
 
 Gcv. Which if he is in acknowledging your 
 difinterefted Friendship, I Ihall be forry I ever 
 
 ownM
 
 4 2 3%e A U T H O R. 
 
 own'd him. Now, Robin, my Cares are over, 
 and my Wiihes full ; and, if George remains as 
 untainted by Affluence as he has been untempted 
 bv Diftrefs, I have given the Poor a Protector, 
 his Country an Advocate, and the World a 
 Friend. 
 
 (Exeunt Ouwes. 
 
 N I
 
 THE 
 
 
 
 ENGLISHMAN 
 
 RETURNED FROM PARIS, 
 
 Being the S E QJJ E L to 
 The E N G L I S H M A N in PARIS. 
 
 A FARCE, 
 
 IN TWO ACTS. 
 
 As it is performed at the 
 THEATRE-ROYAL in Cogent-Garden. 
 
 By SAMUEL F O O T E, Efq; 
 The SECOND EDITION, 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for PAUL VAILLANT, facing Soutbampton-Strtft, 
 in the Sir and, 1766.
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 SPOKEN 
 
 by Mr. F O O T E. 
 
 f\F 'all the PaJJions that pojfifs Aianklnd, 
 
 'The Love of Novelty rules mojl the Mind, 
 In Search of this from Realm to Realm we roam, 
 Our Fleets come fraught with every Folly home. 
 From Lybia's Defarts hojlile Brutes advance, 
 And dancing Dogs in Droves Jkip here from France, 
 From Latian Lands Gigantic Forms appear, 
 Striking our Britijh Breqfts with Awe and Fear, 
 
 As once the Lilliputians Gulliver, 
 
 Not only Objects that ajfeft the Sight, 
 
 In foreign Arts and Artijls we delight, 
 
 Near to that Spot where Charles bejlrides a Horfe, 
 
 In humble Profe the Place is Charing Crofs j 
 
 Clofe by the Margin of a Kennefs Side, 
 
 A dirty difmal Entry opens wide. 
 
 There, with h'oarfe Voice, checked Shirt and callous 
 
 Duff's Indian Englijh Trader takes his Stand, 
 
 Surveys each PaJJengcr with curious Eyes, 
 
 And ruftic Roger falls an eafy Prize, 
 
 Heris China Porcclaine that Chelfca yields, 
 
 Ani India Handkerchiefs from Spittaljields, 
 
 With
 
 Wit}) Turkey Carpets that from Wflton came, 
 
 And Spanijh Tucks and Blades from Bermingham. 
 
 FacJors are forced to favour this Deceit , 
 
 And Englijh Goods are fmuggled through the Street. 
 
 The Rude to polijh and the Fair to pleafe, 
 
 The Hero of to Night has crofs'd the Seas, 
 
 Tho* to be born a Briton be his Crime, 
 
 He's manufactured in another Clime. 
 
 'Tis Buck begs Leave once more to come before ye. 
 
 The little Subject of a former Story, 
 
 How chang'd, how fajhion'd, whether Brute or Beau, 
 
 We truft the following Scenes will fully /hew. 
 
 For them and him we your Indulgence cravt, 
 
 'Tis ours Jiill to fm and yours to fave. 
 
 EPI-
 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 Spoken by M rs . BELLAMY. 
 
 /JMONG the Arts to make a Piece go down, 
 
 And fix the fickle Favour of the Town, 
 An Epilogue is deem'd the fur eft Way 
 To at tone for all the Errors of the Play : 
 Thus, when pathetic Strains have made you cry, 
 In trips the Comic Mufe, and wipes your Eye. 
 With equal Reafon, when Jhe has made you laugh, 
 Melpomene flwuld fend you fniveling of; 
 But our Bard, unequal to the Tajk, 
 Rejects the Dagger, and retains the Mafque : 
 Fain would he fend you chearful home To-nigbt t 
 And harmlefs Mirth by honeft Cleans excite^ 
 Scorning with lufcious Phrafe or double Senfe, 
 To raife a Laughter at the Fair's Expence. 
 What Method fliall we choofe your Tafts to hit ? 
 Will no one lend our Bard a little Wit ? 
 Thank ye, kind Souls, Vll take it from the Pit. 
 The Piece concluded, and the Curtain down, 
 Upjlarts that fatal Phalanx, calld The Town : 
 In full A/embly weigh our Author's Fate, 
 And Surly thus commences the Debate :, 
 Pray, among Friends, does not this poifoning Seen* 
 The fa ere d Rights of Tragedy prophane ? 
 Jf Farce may mimic thus her awful Bowl : 
 Oh fie, all wrong, ft ark naught, upon my Soul! 
 
 Then
 
 Then Buck cries, Billy, can it be in Nature ? 
 Not the leaft Likenefs in afmgle Feature. 
 My Lord, Lord love him, 'tis a -precious Piece j 
 Lefs come on Friday Night and have a Hifs, 
 To this a Peruquier ajfents with Joy> 
 Parcequ'il afFronte les Francois, oui, ma foi. 
 Infuch Diftrefs what can the Poet do? 
 Where feek for Shelter when thefe Foes furfue ? 
 He dares demand Protection, Sirs, from you. 
 
 Dramatis Perfonze. - 
 
 BUCK Mr. Foote. 
 
 CRAB Mr. Sparks. 
 
 LOKD JOHN Mr. White v 
 
 MACRUTHEN Mr. Sbuter. 
 
 RACKET Mr. Cufhin. 
 
 TALLY HOE Mr. Cojlollo. 
 
 LATITAT Mr. DunflalL 
 
 SURGEON Mr. WigneL 
 
 LUCINDA Mrs. Bellamy. 
 
 La Jonquil, Le Loire, Bearnois, and Servants,
 
 A C T I. . 
 
 C&AB dif covered reading. 
 
 T do confiitute my very good 
 Friend, Giles Crab, Efq>, of St. Mar- 
 tin's in the Fields, Executor to this 
 my IV ill ^ and do dppoint him Guar- 
 dian to my Ward Luanda ; and do 
 fubmit to his Direction, the Management of alt 
 my Affair s 9 till the Return of my Son from bis 
 Travels ; 'whom I do intreat my fold Executor* 
 in Consideration of our antient Friendship, td 
 advife, to counfel, 6cc. &cu 
 
 JOHN BUCK. 
 
 A good, pretty Legacy' Let's fee; Ifindmy- 
 felf Heir, by this generous Devife of my very 
 good Friend, to ten Actions at Common Law^ 
 rune Suits in Chancery; the Condudl: of a Boy, 
 bred a Booby at Home, and finimed a Fop 
 abroad ; together with the Direction of a mar- 
 riageable, and, therefore, an anmanageable 
 Wench ; and all this to an old Fellow of Six- 
 ty-fix, who heartily hates Btis'nefs, is tired of 
 the World, and defpifes etery Thing in it* 
 Why how the Devil came I to merit 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Mr. Latitat of Staple 's Inn. 
 
 Crab. So, here begin my Plagues. Shew 
 {he Hound in. 
 
 B ; Enter
 
 io T/JC ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Latitat, with a Bag, 6rc. 
 Lcit. I wou'd, Mr. Crab, have attended 
 your Summons immediately, but I was ob- 
 bliged to lign Judgment in Error at the Com- 
 mon Pleas; iue out of the Exchequer a Writ 
 of >uce minus, and furrender in Banco Regis 
 the Defendant, before the Return of the Sci 
 fa, to difcharge the Bail. 
 
 Crab. Pr'ythee, Man, none of thy unintel- 
 ligible Law Jargon to me -, but tell me, in the 
 Lahguage of common Senfe, and thy Coun- 
 try, what I am to do. 
 
 Lat. Why, Mr. Crab, as you are already 
 pofleis'd of a Prtbat, and Letters of Admi- 
 ninration de Bonis, are granted, you may fue, 
 or be fued ; I hold it found Doctrine for no 
 Executor to difcharge Debts, without a Receipt 
 upon Record: This can be obtain'd by no 
 Means, but by an J^ction. Now Actions, Sir, 
 are of various Kinds : There are fpecial Ac- 
 tions, Actions on the Cafe, or Afjiunpfrfs ; 
 Actions of Trover, Actions of Claujumfregit, 
 Actions of Battery, Actions of 
 
 Crab. Hey, the Devil, where's the Fellow 
 running now ? But hark'ee, Latitaf, why 
 I thought all our Law Proceedings were di- 
 'jtcted to be in JLnglifo. 
 
 Lat. True, Mr. Crab. 
 
 Crab. And what do you call all this Stuff, ha ! 
 
 Lat. Enghfi. 
 
 Crab. The Devil you do. 
 
 Lat. Vernacular, upon my Honour, Mr. 
 5 Crab.
 
 returned from PARIS. n 
 
 Crab. For, as Lord Coke defcribes the Com- 
 mon Law, to be the Perfe6tion - 
 
 Crab. So, here's a frefh Deluge of Imper- 
 tinence. A Truce to thy Authorities, I beg; 
 and as I find it will be impoffible to under- 
 ftand thee without an Interpreter, if you will 
 meet me at Five, at Mr. Brief's Chambers, 
 why, if you have any thing to fay, he will 
 tranflate it for me. 
 
 Lat. Mr. Brief, Sir, and tranflate, Sir ! 
 Sir, I would have you to know that no Prac- 
 titioner in Weftminfler Hall, gives cleaner 
 
 Crab. Sir, I believe it , for which Reafon 
 I have referred you to a Man who never goes 
 into Weflminfter Hall. 
 
 Lat. A bad Proof of his Practice, Mr. Crab. 
 
 Crab. A good one of his Principles, Mr. 
 Lat it at. 
 
 Lat. Why, Sir, do you think that a Law- 
 yer 
 
 Crab. Zounds, Sir, I never thought about 
 a Lawyer. The Law is an oracular Idol, you 
 are the explanatory Minifters ', nor fhou'd any 
 of my own private Concerns have made me 
 bow to your beaflly Baal. < I had rather lofe a 
 Caufe, than conteft it. And had not this old, 
 doating Dunce, Sir John Buck, plagu'd me 
 with the Management of his Money, and the 
 Care of his Booby Boy, Bedlam mou'd fooner 
 have had me, than the Bar. 
 
 Lat. Bedlam, -the Bar! Since, Sir, I arn 
 
 provok'd, I don't know what your Choice 
 
 may be, or what your Friends may choofe for 
 
 B 2 you;
 
 12 We ENGLISHMAN 
 
 you; I wifh I was your prochain Ami: But 
 I am under fome Doubts as to the Sanity 
 of the Teflator, otherwise he could not have 
 chofenfor his Executor, under the Sanction of 
 the Law, a Perfon who defpifes the Law. And 
 the Law, give me Leave to tell you, Mr. Crab, 
 is the Bulwark, the Fence, the Protection, the 
 Jine qua non, the nonplus ultra 
 
 Crab. Mercy, good Six and Eight-pence. 
 
 Lat. The Defence, and Offence, the by 
 which, and the whereby, the Statute common 
 and cuftomary, or as Plowdcn claffically and 
 elegantly exprefles it, 'tis 
 
 Mos commune vet us mores, Confulta Sonatas, 
 licec trla jus ftatuunt 'Terra Britanna 
 tibL 
 
 rab. Zounds, Sir, among all your Laws, 
 are there none to protect a Man in his own 
 Houfe ? 
 
 Lat. Sir, a Man's Houfe is his CafteJluw, 
 his Cattle ; and fo tender is the Law of any 
 Infringement of that facred Right, that any 
 Attempt to invade it by Force, Fraud, or Vio- 
 lence, clandestinely, or Vi & Armis, is not on- 
 ly dcem'dfelom'us but ' burglarius. Now, Sir, 
 a Burglary may be committed, either upon 
 the Dwelling, or the Out-houfe. 
 
 Crab. Olaud! O laud! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Your Clerk, Sir, -The Parties, he 
 
 fays, are all in waiting at your Chambers. 
 
 Lat. I come. I will but juft explain to 
 
 Mr.
 
 returned from PARIS. 13 
 
 Mr. Crab t the Nature of a Burglary, as it has 
 been defcrib'd by a late Statute. 
 
 Crab. Zounds, Sir, I have not the leaft 
 Curiofity. 
 
 Lat. Sir, but every Gentleman fhou'd 
 know 
 
 Crab. I won't know. Betides, your Cli- 
 ents 
 
 Lat. O, they may flay. I fha'nt take up 
 five Minutes, Sir, A Burglary . 
 
 Crab. Not an Inftant. 
 
 Lat. By the Common Law . 
 
 Crab. I'll not hear a Word. 
 
 Lat. It was but a Claujlrium.fregit. 
 
 Crab. Dear Sir, be gone. 
 
 Lat. But by the late Ads of Par 
 
 Crab. Help, you Dog. Zounds, Sir, get 
 put of my Houfe. 
 
 Serv. Your Clients, Sir 
 
 Crab. Pufh him out [the Lawyer talking 
 all the while} So, ho ! Hark'ee, Rafcal, if you 
 fuffer that Fellow to enter my Doors again* 
 I'll ftrip and difcard you the very Minute. 
 [Exit. Strv.] This is, but the Beginning of 
 iny Torments. But that I exped: the young 
 Whelp from abroad, every In ft ant, I'd fly for 
 it myfelf, and quit the Kingdom at once. 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. My young Mailer's travelling Tutor, 
 Sir, juft arrived. 
 
 Crab. Oh, then I fuppofe, the Blockhead 
 of a Baronet is clofe at his Heels. Show him 
 in. This Bear-leader, I reckon now, is ei- 
 ther
 
 1 4 the ENGLISHMAN 
 
 ther the clumfey Curate of the Knight's Pa- 
 rifh Church, or fome needy Highlander, the 
 Outcaft of his Country, who, with the Pride 
 of a German Baron, the Poverty of a French 
 Marquis, the Addrefs of a S<wifs Soldier, 
 and the Learning of an Academy Ufher, is to- 
 giveour Heir apparent Politenefs, Tafte, Li- 
 terature ; a perfect Knowledge of the World, 
 and of himfelf. 
 
 Enter Macruthen. 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am your devoted 
 Servant. 
 
 Crab. Oh, a Britijh Child, by the Mefs. 
 Well, where's your Charge ? 
 
 Mac. O, the young Baronet is o'the Road. 
 I was mighty afraid he had o'rta'en me; for 
 between Canterbury zndRocfiefter, I wasflopt, 
 and robb'd by a High- way-man. 
 
 Crab. Robb'd ! What the Devil cou'd he 
 rob you of? 
 
 Mac. In gude Troth, not a mighty Booty. 
 Buchanans Hiftory, Lauder againft Melton, 
 and two Pound of high-dry'd Glafcow. 
 
 Crab. A good travelling Equipage. Well, 
 and what's become of your Cub? Where have 
 you left him ? 
 
 Mac. Main you Sir Charles ? I left him at 
 Calais, with another young Nobleman, re- 
 turning from his Travels. But why caw ye 
 him Cub, Maifter Crab? In gude troth, there's 
 a meeghty Alteration. 
 
 Crab. Yes, yes, I have a {hrewd Guefs at 
 his Improvements. .. 
 
 Mac.
 
 returned from PARIS. 15 
 
 Mac. He's quite a Phenomenon. 
 Crab. Oh, a Comet, I dare fwear, but not 
 an unufual one, at Paris. The Faux-bourg 
 of St. Germainsy fwarms with fuch, to the no 
 fmall Amufement of our very good Friends, 
 the French. 
 
 Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond 
 of him. 
 
 Crab. But as to the Language, I fuppofe, 
 he's a perfect Mailer of that. 
 
 Mac. He can caw for aught that he need, 
 but he is na quite Maifter of the Accent. 
 
 Crab. A moft aftoniming Progrefs ! 
 
 Mac. Sufpend your Judgment a while, and 
 you'll find him all ye wim, allowing for the 
 Sallies of Juvenility ; and muft take the Va- 
 nity to myfelf of being, in. a great Meafure, 
 the Author. 
 
 Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful Copy of 
 the admirable Original, he muft be a finim'd 
 Piece. 
 
 Mac. You are pleafed to Complement. 
 
 Crab. Not a whit. Well, and what I fup- 
 pofe you, and your what's your Name ? 
 
 Mac. Macruthen, at your Service. 
 
 Crab. Macrutben ! Hum ! You and your 
 Pupil agreed very well ? 
 
 Mac. Perfectly. The young Gentleman is 
 of an amiable Difpoiition. 
 
 Crab. Oh, ay ;- And it wou'd be wrong to 
 fowre his Temper. You knew your Duty 
 better, I hope, than to contradict him. 
 
 Mac. It was na for me, Maifter Crab. 
 
 Crab.
 
 16 Me ENGLISH MA N 
 
 Crab. Oh, by no means Mafler Macruthen ; 
 all yourBu8'nefs was to keep him out of Frays $ 
 to take care, for the fake of his Health, that 
 his Wine was genuine, and his Miftrefles as 
 they fhou'd be. You pimp'd for him, I fuppofe? 
 
 Mac. Pimp for him ! D'ye mean to af- 
 front 
 
 Crab. To fuppofe the contrary would be the 
 Affront, Mr. Tutor. What, Man, you know 
 the World. 'Tis not by Contradiction, but 
 by Compliance, that Men make their For- 
 tunes. And was it for you to thwart theHu-" 
 mour of a Lad upon the Threshold of ten 
 thoufand Pounds a Year ? 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure, great Allowances 
 muft be made. 
 
 Crab. No doubt, no doubt. 
 
 Mac. I fee, Maifter Crab, you know Man-* 
 kind. You are Sir John Buck's Executor. 
 
 Crab. True. 
 
 Mac . I have a little Thought that may be 
 ufeful to us both. 
 
 Crab. As how ? 
 
 Mac. Cou'd na we contrive to make a 
 Hond o' the young Baronet. 
 
 Crab* Explain. 
 
 Mac. Why you, by the Will, have the 
 Gare o'the Cam 3 and I caw make a Shift to 
 manage the Lad. 
 
 Crab. Oh, I conceive you. And fo between 
 us both, we may contrive to eafe him of that 
 Inheritance which he knows not how proper- 
 ty
 
 returned from PARIS. 17 
 
 ly to employ -, and apply it to our own Ufe. 
 You do know how. 
 
 Mac. Ye ha hit it. 
 
 Crab. Why what a fuperlative Rafcal art 
 thou, thou inhofpitable Villain ! Under the 
 Roof, and in the Prefence, of thy Benefactor's 
 Reprefentative, with almofl his ill-beftowed 
 Bread in thy Mouth, art thou plotting the 
 Perdition of his only Child ! And, from what 
 Part of my Life, didft thou derive a Hope of 
 my Compliance with fuch a hellifh Scheme ? 
 
 Mac. Maifter Crab, I am of a Nation 
 
 Crab. Of known Honour and Integrity j I 
 allow it. The Kingdom you have quitted, in 
 consigning the Care of its Monarch, for Ages, 
 to your Predeceflbrs, in Preference to its pro- 
 per Subjects, has given you a brilliant Pane- 
 gyric, that no other People can parallel. 
 
 Mac. Why, to be fure 
 
 Crab. And one Happinefs it is, that tho* 
 national Glory can beam a Brightnefs on Par- 
 ticulars, the Crimes of Individuals can never 
 reflect a Difgrace upon their Country. Thy 
 Apology but aggravates thy Guilt. 
 
 Mac. Why, Maifter Crab, I . 
 
 Crab. Guilt and Confufion choak thy Ut- 
 terance. Avoid my Sight. Vanim. [Exit 
 Mac]. A fine Fellow this, to protect the 
 Perfon, inform the Inexperience, direct and 
 moderate the Defires, of an unbridled Boy ! 
 But can it be ftrange, whilft the Parent ne- 
 gligently accepts a fuperficial Recommenda- 
 tion to fo important a Truft, that the Perfon, 
 C \vhofe
 
 i8 <Tbe ENGLISHMA N 
 
 whofe Wants, perhaps, more than his Abili- 
 ties, make defirous of it, fhou'd confider the 
 Youth as a Kind of" Property, and not ftudy 
 what to make him, but what to make of him -, 
 and thus prudently lay a Foundation for his 
 future fordid Hopes, by a criminal Com- 
 pliance with the Lad's prefent prevailing Paf- 
 fions ? But Vice and Folly rule the World. 
 Without, there, [enter Serv.] Rafcal, where 
 d'you run, Blockhead? Bid the Girl come 
 hither. Frefh Inftances, every Moment, for- 
 tify my Abhorrence, my Deteftation of Man- 
 kind. This Turn may be term'd Mifanthro- 
 py ; and imputed to Chagrin and Difappoint- 
 ment. But it can only be by thofe Fools, who, 
 thro' Softnefs or Ignorance, regard the Faults 
 of others, like their own, thro* the wrong End 
 of the Perfpedlive. 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 So, what, I fuppofe your Spirits are all a-float. 
 You have heard your Fellow's coming. 
 
 Luc. If you had your ufual Difcernment, 
 Sir, you wou'ddiftinguifh,in my Countenance, 
 an Expreffion very different from that of Joy. 
 
 Crab. Oh, what, I fuppofe your Monkey 
 has broke his Chain, or your Parrot dy'd in 
 moulting. 
 
 Luc. A Perfon lefs cenforious than Mr. 
 Crab, might affign a more generous Motive 
 for my Diftrefs. 
 
 Crab. Diftrefs ! A pretty, poetical Phrafe ! 
 What Motive canft thou have for Diftrefs ? 
 Has not Sir John Buck's Death allured thy For- 
 tune ? and art not thou Luc.
 
 returned from PARIS. 19 
 
 Luc. By that very Means, a helplefs, un- 
 protected Orphan. 
 
 Crab. Pho', pr'ythee Wench, none of thy 
 romantic Cant to me. What, I know the 
 Sex: The Objects of every Woman's Wifh, 
 are Property and Power. The firft you have, 
 and the fecond you won't be long without ; 
 for here's a Puppy riding Poll: to put on your 
 Chains. 
 
 Luc. It wou'd appear Affectation not to 
 underiland you. And, to deal freely, it was 
 upon that Subject I wim'd to engage you. 
 
 Crab. Your Information was needlefs; I 
 knew it. 
 
 Luc. Nay, but why fo fevere ? I did flat- 
 ter myfelf that the very warm Recommenda- 
 tion of your deceafed Friend, wou'd have 
 abated a little of that Rigour. 
 
 Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and Con- 
 tempt have long mut thefe Gates againft Flat- 
 tery and Diffimulation. You have no Sex for 
 me. Without Preface, fpeak your Purpofe. 
 
 Luc* What then, in a Word, is your Ad- 
 vice with regard to my marrying Sir Charles 
 Buck ? 
 
 Crab. And do you ferioufly want my Ad- 
 vice ? 
 
 Luc. Moft fincerely. 
 
 Crab. Then you are a Blockhead. Why, 
 where cou'd you mend yourfelf ? Is not he 
 a Fool, a Fortune, and in Love ? Look'ee, 
 Girl. [Enter Servant] Who fent for you, 
 Sir ? 
 
 C 2 Ser.
 
 20 T&e ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ser. Sir, my young Matter's Poft-chaife is 
 broke down, at the Corner of the Street, by 
 a Coal-cart. His Cloaths are all Dirt, and he 
 fwears like a Trooper. 
 
 Crab. Ay ! Why then carry his Chaife to 
 the Coach-maker's, his Coat to a Scowerer's, 
 
 and him before a Juftice. Pr'ythee why 
 
 doft trouble me ? I fuppofe you wou'd not 
 meet your Gallant. 
 
 Luc. Do you think I fliou'd ? 
 Crab. No, retire. And if this Application 
 for my Advice, is not a Copy of your Coun- 
 tenance, a Mafkj if you are obedient, I may 
 fet you right. 
 
 Luc. 1 hall, with Pleafure, follow your 
 Directions. Exit. 
 
 Crab. Yes, fo long as they correfpond with 
 your own Inclination. Now we mall fee 
 what Paris has done for this Puppy. But 
 here he comes; light as the Cork in his Heels; 
 or the Feather in his Hat. 
 Enter Buck, Lord John, La Loire, Bearnois 
 
 tfWMacruthen. 
 Buck. Not a Word, mi Lor ; jernie, it is 
 
 not to be fupported ' after being rompu 
 
 tout vif, disjointed by that execrable Pave, 
 to be tumbled into a Kennel, by a lilthy 
 C har bonnier -, a dirty Retailer of Sea-coal, 
 morbleu ! 
 
 Ld. y. An Accident that might have hap- 
 pened any where, Sir Charles. 
 
 Buck. And then the hideous Hootings of 
 that deteftable Canaille, that murtherous Mob, 
 
 with
 
 returned from PARIS. 21 
 
 with the barbarous- Monfieur in the Mud, 
 huzza ! Ah, Pa'is fauvage, barbare, inhof- 
 f it able /*ah, ah, queft ce-que nous avons ? Who ? 
 Mac.' That is Maifter Crab, your Father's 
 Executor. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha. Serviteur tres bumble, Mon- 
 fieur. Eb bien ! What ! is he dumb ? Mac, my 
 Lor, mort de ma Vie, the veritable Jack-Roaft* 
 beef of the French Comedy. Ha, ha, how do 
 you do, Monjieur Jack-Roafl-beef, ha, ha ? 
 
 Crab. Pr'ythee take a Turn or two about 
 the Room. 
 
 Buck. A Turn or two ! Volontiers. Eh 
 bien! Well, have you, in your Life, feen 
 any Thing fo, ha, ha, hey ! 
 
 Crab. Never, I hope you had not many 
 Spectators of your Tumble. 
 Buck. Pourquoi? Whyfo? 
 Crab. Becaufe I wou'd not have the public 
 Curiofity foreftalled. I can't but think, in a 
 Country fo fond of ftrange Sights, if you were 
 kept up a little, you wou'd bring a great deal 
 of Money. 
 
 Buck. I don't know, my Dear, what my 
 Perfon wou'd produce in this Country, but 
 the Counterpart of your very groteique Figure 
 has been extremely beneficial to the Comedi- 
 ans from whence I came. N'eft-ce pas iirai, 
 mi Lor ? Ha, ha. 
 
 Ld. J. The Refemblance does not ftrike 
 me. Perhaps, I may feem fingular; but the 
 particular Cuftoms of particular Countries, I 
 own, never appeared to me, as proper Objects 
 of Ridicule. Buck,
 
 22 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Whyfo? 
 
 Ld. y. Becaufe, in this Cafe, it is impof- 
 fible to have a Rule for your Judgment. The 
 Forms and Cuftoms which Climate, Confti- 
 tution and Government have given to one 
 Kingdom, can never be tranfplanted with Ad- 
 vantage to another, founded on different 
 Principles. And thus, tho' the Habits and 
 Manners of different Countries may be direct- 
 ly oppofite, yet, in my humble Conception, 
 they may be ftrictly, becaufe naturally, right. 
 
 Crab. Why there are fome Glimmerings of 
 Common-fenfe about this young Thing. 
 Harkee, Child, by what Accident did you 
 flumble upon this Blockhead ? [to Buck.] 
 I fuppofe the Line of your Underftanding is 
 too mort to fathom the Depth of your Com- 
 panion's Reafoning. 
 
 Buck. My dear [gapes.] ! 
 
 Crab. I fay, you can draw no Conclufion 
 from the above Premifes. 
 
 Buck. Who I ? Damn your Premifes, and 
 Conclufions too. But this I conclude, from 
 what I have feen, my dear, that the French 
 are the firfl People in theUniverfe; that, in the 
 Arts of living, they do or ought to give Laws 
 to the whole World, and that whofoever 
 wou'd either eat, drink, drefs, dance, fight, 
 iing, or even fneeze, avec E/egance, mufl 
 go to Paris, to learn it. This is my Creed. 
 
 Crab. And thefe precious Principles you are 
 come here to propagate. 
 
 Buck. Ceft vrai, Monfieur Crab: and with 
 
 the
 
 returned from PARIS. 23 
 
 the Aid of thefe Brother Millenaries, I have 
 no doubt of making a great many Profelytes. 
 And now for a Detail of their Qualities. Bear- 
 noiz, avarices.. This is an Officer of my Houfe- 
 hold, unknown to this Country. 
 
 Crab. And what may he be ? I'll humour 
 the Puppy. 
 
 Buck. This is my Swifs Porter. Tenez vous 
 droit, Bearnois. There's a Fierce Figure, to 
 guard the Gate of an Hotel. 
 
 Crab. What do you fuppofe that we have 
 no Porters ? 
 
 Buck. Yes, you have Dunces that open 
 Doors ; a Drudgery that this Fellow does by 
 Deputy. But for Intrepidity in denying a 
 difagreeable Vifitor; for PoHtenefs in intro- 
 ducing a Miftrefs, Acutenefs in difcerning, 
 and Conftancy in excluding a Dun, a greater 
 Genius never came from the Cantons. 
 
 Crab. Aftoniming Qualities! 
 
 Buck. Retirez t Bearnois. But here's a Bi- 
 jou, here's a Jewel indeed ! Venez id, mon 
 cber La Loire. Comment trouvez vous ce Pa- 
 ris id ? 
 
 La L. Tres Men. 
 
 Buck. Very well. Civil Creature ! This, 
 Monfieur Crab, is my Cook La Loire, and 
 for Hors d'Oeuvres,EntreRotis t Ragouts, En- 
 tremets, and the Difpoiition of a Defert, Paris 
 never faw his Parallel. 
 
 Crab. His Wages, I fuppofe, are propor- 
 tioned to his Merit. 
 
 4 Buck.
 
 24 fbe ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. A Bagatelle, a Trifle. Abroad but 
 a bare Two Hundred. Upon his cheerful 
 Compliance, in coming hither into Exile with 
 me, I have, indeed, doubled his Stipend. 
 Crab. You could do no lefs. 
 Buck. And now, Sir, to compleat my 
 Equipage, regardez Monfieur La Jonquil, my 
 firft Valet de Cbambre, excellent in every 
 Thing: but pour FAccommodage^ for deco- 
 rating the Head, inimitable. In one Word, 
 La jonquil mail, for fifty to five, knot, twift, 
 tye, frieze, cut, curl, or comb with any 
 Garcon Perruquier, from the Land's End, to 
 the Orkneys. 
 
 Crab. Why, what an infinite Fund of pub- 
 lic Spirit muft you have, to drain your Purfe, 
 mortify your Inclination, and expofe your 
 Ferfon, for the meer Improvement of your 
 Conn try -Men ? 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. 
 But at prefent, I had another Reafon for Re- 
 turning. 
 
 Crab. Ay, what can that be ? 
 Buck. Why, I find there is a Likelihood of 
 fome little Fracas, between us. But, upon 
 my foul, we muft be very brutal to quarrel 
 with the dear, agreeable Creatures, for a 
 Trifle. 
 
 Crab. They have your Affections then. 
 Buck. De tout mon cceur. From the infi- 
 nite Civility (hewn to us, in France, and their 
 friendly Profefiions in Favour of our Country, 
 they can never intend us an Injury. 
 
 Cnib.
 
 returned from PARIS. 25 
 
 Crab. Oh, you have hit their Humour to a 
 Hair. But I can have no longer Patience with 
 the Puppy. Civility and Friendfhip, you Boo- 
 by ! Yes, their Civility, at Paris, has riot left 
 you a Guinea in your Pocket, nor wou'd their 
 Friendfhip to your Nation leave it a Foot of 
 Land in the Univerfe; 
 
 Buck. Lord John, this is a ftrange old Fel- 
 low. Take my Word for it, my Dear, you 
 miftake this Thing egregioufly. But all you 
 Englifo are conftitiitionally fullen. >Novem- 
 ber-Fogs, with Salt boil'd Beef, are mo ft curfed 
 Recipes for Good-humour, or a quick Appre- 
 henfion. Parish the Place. 'Tis there Men 
 laugh, love and live ? Vive V Amour I Sans A- 
 mour, & fans fes De/irs; un Cceur ejl b'ten moms 
 heureux quil ne pcnfe. 
 
 Crab. Now wou'd not any Soul fuppofe that 
 this yelping Hound had a real Reliih for the 
 Country he has quitted ? 
 
 Buck. A mighty unnatural Suppofition, tru- 
 
 ] y- 
 
 Grab* Foppery and Affeclation all 
 
 Buck. And you really think Paris a Kind 
 of Purgatory, ha, my Dear ? 
 
 Crab. To thee the mod folitary Spot upon. 
 E arth, my: Dear. Familiar Puppy ! 
 
 Buck. Whimfical enough. Buttx>me,^><9#r 
 p offer le Terns, let us, old Diogenes, enter into 
 a little Debate. Mi Lor, and you, Macruthen, 
 determine the Difpute between that Source of 
 Delights, ce Paradis de Plaifir, and this Cave 
 of Care, this Seat of Scurvy and the Spleen. 
 D Mac.
 
 26 the ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. Let us heed them weel, my Lord. 
 Maifter Crab has met with his Match. 
 
 Buck. And firft for the great Pleafure of Life, 
 the Pleafure of the Table; Ah, queJle Diffe- 
 rence! The Eafe, the Wit, the Wine, the 
 Badinage, the Percijlage t the double Entendre, 
 the Cbanfons a boire, Oh, what delicious Mo- 
 ments have I pafs'd cbez Madame la Ducbejfe 
 de Barbouliac. 
 
 Crab. Your Miftrefs, I fuppofe. 
 
 Buck. Who I ! Fi done ! How is it pofli- 
 ble for a Woman of her Rank, to have a 
 Penchant for me ? Hey, Mac ! 
 
 Mac. Sir Charles is too much a Man of 
 Honour to blab. But, to fay Truth, the 
 whole City of Paris thought as much. 
 
 Crab. A precious Fellow this ! 
 
 Buck. Taifez vous, Mac. But we lofe the 
 Point in View. Now, Monfieur Crab, let me 
 conduct you to what you call an Entertainment. 
 And firft, the melancholy Miftrefs is fixed in 
 her Chair, where, by the by, fhe is condemn'd 
 to do more Drudgery than a Dray-horfe. Next 
 proceeds the Mafter, to marfhal the Guefts, in 
 which as much Caution is necefiary, as at a 
 Coronation, with, "My Lady, fit here," and, 
 " Sir Thomas, fit there," till the Length 'of 
 the Ceremony, with the Length of the Grace, 
 have deftrcy'd all Apprehenfions of the Meat's 
 burning your Mouths. 
 
 Mac. Bravo, bravo ! Did I na' fay Sir Charles 
 was a Phenomenon ? 
 
 Crab. Peace, Puppy. Buck. 
 
 3
 
 returned from PARIS. 27 
 
 Buck. Then, in folemn Silence, they pro- 
 ceed to demolim the Subftantials, with, per- 
 haps, an occafional Interruption, of, * { Here's 
 " to you, Friends," " Hob or Nob," Your 
 " Love and mine." Pork fucceeds to Beef, 
 Pies to Puddings : The Cloth is remov'd : 
 Madam, drench'd with a Bumper, drops a 
 Courtfey, and departs; leaving the jovial 
 Hoft, with his fprightly Companions, to To- 
 bacco, Port, and Politics. Voila un Repas a 
 la Mode d'Angleterre, Monjieur Crab. 
 
 Crab. It is a thoufand Pities that your Fa- 
 ther is not a living Witnefs of thefe prodi- 
 gious Improvements. 
 
 Buck. Cefl vrai. But a propos, he is dead, 
 as you fay, and you are 
 
 Crab. Againft my Inclination,his Executor. 
 
 Buck. Peut etre ; well, and 
 
 Crab. Oh, my Truft will foon determine. 
 One Article, indeed, I am flrictly enjoin'd to 
 fee performed ; your Marriage with your old 
 Acquaintance Luanda. 
 
 Buck. Ha, ha, la petite Luciiide ! & com" 
 
 Crab. Pry'thee, Peace, and hear me. She 
 is bequeath'd conditionally, that if you refufe 
 to marry her, twenty thoufand Pounds ; and 
 if (he rejects you, which I fuppofe flie will 
 have the Wifdom to do, only five. 
 
 Buck. Reject me! Very probable, hey, Mac! 
 But cou'd not we have an Enf revue ? 
 
 Crab. Who's there ? Let Lucinda know we 
 expect her. 
 
 D 2 Mac.
 
 28 <Ibe ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Mac. Had na'ye better, Sir Charles, equip 
 yourfell in a more fui table Garb, upon a firft 
 Vifit to your Miftrefs ? 
 
 Crab. Oh, fuch a Figure and Addrefs can 
 derive no Advantage from Drefs. 
 
 Buck. Serviteur. But, however, Mac's Hint 
 
 may not be fo mal a propos, Allans, Jonquil, 
 
 je men vats mhabtiler. Mi Lor, {hall 1 trefpafs 
 
 upon your Patience? My Toilette is but a 
 
 Work of ten Minutes. Mac, difpofe of my 
 
 Domeilics a leur aife f and then attend me with 
 
 my Port-feuille, and read, while I drefs, thofe 
 
 Remarks I made in my laft Voyage from Fon- 
 
 talnebkau to Compeigne. Serviteur, MeJ/ieurs. 
 
 Car le bon Vin 
 
 Du Matin, 
 Sortant du Tonneau, 
 Vaut blen mieux que 
 
 Le Latin 
 
 De toute la Sor bonne. Exit. 
 Crab. This is the moft confummate Cox- 
 comb ! I told the Fool of a Father, what a 
 Puppy Paris wou'd produce him ; but travel 
 is the Word, and the Confequence, an Impor- 
 tation of every foreign Folly : And thus the 
 plain Perfons and Principles of old England, 
 are fo confounded and jumbl'd with the excre- 
 mentitious Growth of every Climate, that we 
 have loft all our ancient Characterise, and are 
 become a Bundle of Contradictions ; a Piece of 
 Patch-work; a mere Harlequin's Coat. 
 
 Ld.y.
 
 returned from PARIS. 29 
 
 Ld. y. Do you fuppofe then, Sir, that no 
 Good may be obtain'd 
 
 Crab. Why, pry'thee, what have you gain'd ? 
 
 Ld. J. I (hou'd be forry my Acquifitions 
 were to determine the Debate. But do you 
 think, Sir, the Shaking-off fome native Qua- 
 lities, and the being made more fenfible, from 
 Companion of certain, national and conftitu- 
 tional Advantages, Objects unworthy the At- 
 tention ? 
 
 Crab. You mew the favourable Side, young 
 Man : But how frequently are fubftituted for 
 national PrepoiTeflions, always harmlefs, and 
 often happy, guilty and unnatural Prejudices! 
 
 Unnatural ! For the Wretch who is weak 
 
 and wicked enough to defpife his Country, fins 
 againft the moft laudable Law of Nature ; he 
 is a Traitor to the Community, where Provi- 
 dence has placed him ; and (hou'd be deny'd 
 thofe focial Benefits he has render'd himfelf 
 unworthy to partake. But fententious Lec- 
 tures are ill calculated for your Time of Life. 
 
 Ld. y. I differ from you here, Mr. Crab. 
 Principles that call for perpetual Practice, can- 
 not be too foon receiv'd. I iincerely thank you, 
 Sir, for this Communication, and fhou'd be 
 happy to have always near me fo moral a Mo- 
 nitor. 
 
 Crab. You are indebted to France for her 
 Flattery. But I leave you with a Lady, where 
 it will be better employ'd. 
 
 Enter
 
 30 r&e ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Enter Lucinda. 
 
 Crab. This young Man waits here, till your 
 Puppy is powder'd. You may alk him after 
 your French Acquaintance. I know nothing 
 pf him ^ but he does not feem to be altogether 
 fo great a Fool as your Fellow. Exit. 
 
 Luc. I'm afraid, Sir, you have had but a 
 difagreeable Tete a Tete. 
 
 Ld.y. Juftthe contrary, Madam. By Good- 
 fenfe, ting'd with Singularity, we are entertain- 
 ed as well as improved. For a Lady, indeed, 
 Mr. Crab's Manners are rather too rough. 
 
 Luc. Not a Jot -, I am familiarized to 'm. 
 I know his Integrity, and can never be dif- 
 oblig'd by his Sincerity. 
 
 Ld. y. This Declaration is a little particu- 
 lar, from a Lady who muft have received her 
 firfi: Impreffions in a Place remarkable for its 
 Delicacy to the Fair Sex. But Good-fenfe can 
 conquer even early Habits. 
 
 Luc. This Compliment I can lay no claim 
 to. The former Part of my Life, procured me 
 but very little Indulgence. The Pittance of 
 Knowledge I poflefs, was taught me by a very 
 fevere Miflrefs, Adverfity. But you, Sir, are 
 too well acquainted with Sir Charles Buck, not 
 to have known my Situation. 
 
 Ld. y. I have heard your Story, Madam, be- 
 fore I had the Honour of feeing you. It was 
 affecting : You'll pardon the Declaration > it 
 now becomes interefling. However, it is im- 
 
 poffible
 
 returned from PARIS. 31 
 
 poffible I mou'd not congratulate you on the 
 near Approach of the happy Cataftrophe. 
 
 Luc. Events that depend upon the Will of 
 another, a thoufand unforefeen Accidents may 
 interrupt. 
 
 Ld. J. Cou'd I hope, Madam, your prefent 
 critical Condition wou'd acquit me of Temeri- 
 ty, I fhou'd take the Liberty to prefume, if the 
 Suit of Sir Charles be rejected 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. So, Youngfter ! what, I fuppofe, you 
 are already practifing one of your foreign Lef- 
 fons. Perverting the Affections of a Friend's 
 Miftrefs, or debauching his Wife, are meer 
 Peccadilloes, in modern Morality. But, at pre- 
 fent, you are my Care. That Way conducts 
 you to your Fellow-Traveller. [ExttLd. J.] 
 I wou'd fpeak with you in the Library. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Luc. I mall attend you, Sir. Never was To 
 unhappy an Interruption. What cou'dmy Lord 
 mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not, 
 it cannot concern me. Gratitude and Duty 
 demand my Compliance with the dying Wim 
 of my Benefactor, my Friend, my Father. But 
 am I then to facrifice all my future Peace ? 
 But reafon not, ram Girl ; Obedience is thy 
 Province. 
 
 hard the Tajk, be it my Part to prove 
 Tbatfometimes Duty can give Laws to Love, 
 
 ACT II.
 
 32 fJbe ENGLISHMAN 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Buck at his Toilet, attended by three Valets ds 
 Chambres and Macruthen. 
 
 1\AAC. Notwithftanding aw his plain deal- 
 * '-* ing, I doubt whether Maifter Crab is fo> 
 honeft a Man. 
 
 Buck. Pr'ythee, Mac, name not the Mon- 
 fler. If I may be permitted a Quotation, from 
 one of their paltry Poets, 
 
 Who is Knight of the Shire reprefents 'em all, 
 Did ever Mortal fee fuch Mirroirs, fuch Look- 
 ing-glafs as they have here too ? One might 
 as well addrefs onefelf, for Information, to 
 a Bucket of Water. La 'Jonquil, mettez i)ous 
 le rouge, aJJ'ez. He bien, Mac, miferable ! Hey ! 
 
 Mac. It's very becoming. 
 
 Buck. Ay, it will do for this Place -, I really 
 cou'd have forgiven my Father's living a Year 
 or two longer, rather than be compelled to re- 
 turn to this, {Enter Lord John.] 
 My dear Lord, je demand? mille Pardons, but 
 the terrible Fracas in my Chaife had fo gateed 
 and difqrdered my Hair> that it required an 
 Age to adjufl it. 
 
 Ld. J. No Apology, Sir Charles, I have 
 been entertain'd very agreeably. 
 
 Buck. Who have you had, my dear Lord, 
 to entertain you ? 
 
 Ld. J. The very individual Lady that's foon 
 to make you a happy Hufband. 
 
 Mac.
 
 returned from PARIS. 33 
 
 Buck. A happy who ? Hufband ! What two 
 very oppofite Ideas have you confounded en- 
 femble? In my Confcience, I believe there's 
 Contagion in the Clime, and my Lor is in- 
 fecled. But pray, my dear Lor, by what 
 Accident have you difcovered, that I was up- 
 on the Point of becoming that happy Oh, 
 un Man! Diable? 
 
 Ld. y. The Lady's Beauty and Merit, your 
 Inclinations, and your Father's Injunctions, 
 made me conjecture that. 
 
 Buck. And can't you fuppofe that the Lady's 
 Beauty may be poflefs'd, her Merit rewarded, 
 and my Inclinations gratify'd, without an ab- 
 folute Obedience to that Fatherly Injunction ? 
 
 Ld. y. It does not occur to me. 
 
 Buck. No, I believe not, my Lor. Thofe 
 Kind of Talents are not given to every Body. 
 D annex mot mon Mancbon. And now you mall 
 fee me manage the Lady. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Ser. Young Squire Racket, and Sir Toby 
 Tallyhoey who call themfelves your Honour's 
 old Acquaintances. 
 
 Buck. Oh the Brutes ! By what Accident 
 cou'd they difcover my Arrival ? My dear, 
 dear Lor, aid me to efcape this Embarras. 
 Racket and Tallyhoe without. 
 
 Hoic a Boy, Hoic a Boy. 
 
 Buck. Let me dye if I do not believe the 
 
 Hottentots have brought a whole hundred of 
 
 Hounds with them. But, they fay, Forms 
 
 E keep
 
 34 We ENGLISHMAN 
 
 keep Fools at a Diftance. I'll receive 'cm en 
 Certmome. 
 
 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe; 
 
 Tally. Hey Boy, hoics my little Buck. 
 
 Buck. Monjieur le Chevalier, votre tres 
 humble Serviteur* 
 
 rally. Hey. 
 
 Buck. Monfieur Racket^ Je fuis cbarme de 
 vous voir. 
 
 Rack. Anon what ! 
 
 Buck. Ne m entendez-vous : Don't you know 
 French ? 
 
 Rack. Know French ! No, nor you neither, 
 I think. Sir Toby, foregad I believe the Papiftes 
 ha bewitch'd him in foreign Parts. 
 
 Tally. Bewitch'd, and transformed him too. 
 Let me perifh, Racket, if I dont think he's 
 like one of the Folks we ufed to read of at 
 School, in Ovid's Met amor p his -, that they 
 have turned him into a Beaft. 
 
 Rack. A Beaft! No, a Bird, you Fool. 
 Lookee, Sir *Toby, by the Lord Harry, here 
 are his Wings. 
 
 Taffy, Hey ! ecod and fo they are, ha, ha. 
 I reckon, Racket, he came over with the 
 Woodcocks. 
 
 Buck. Voila des veritable* Anglois. The 
 ruftic rude Ruffians ! 
 
 Rack. Let us fee what the Devil he has put 
 upon his Pole, Sir Toby. 
 
 Tally. Ay. 
 
 Buck. Do, dear Savage, keep your Dif- 
 tance. 
 
 4 Tally.
 
 returned from PARIS. 35 
 
 Tally. Nay, fore George, we will have a 
 Scrutiny. 
 
 Rack. Ay, ay, a Scrutiny. 
 
 Buck. En Grace, La Jonquil, my Lor, 
 protect me from thefe Pyrates. 
 
 Ld. y. A little Companion, I beg, Gentle- 
 men. Confider, Sir Charles is upon a Vilit to 
 his Bride. 
 
 'Tally. Bride ! Zounds, he's fitter for a 
 Band-box ; Racket, Hocks the Heels. 
 
 Rack. I have 'em, Knight. Foregad he is 
 the very Reverfe of a Bantam Cock : His 
 Comb's on his Feet, and his Feathers on his 
 Head. Who have we got here ! What are 
 thefe three Fellows j Paltry-Cooks ? 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. And is this one of your newly ac- 
 quired Accomplishments, letting your Miftrefs 
 languim for a but you have Company, I fee. 
 
 Buck. O, yes, I have been inexpreffibly 
 happy. Thefe Gentlemen are kind enough 
 to treat me, upon my Arrival, with what, J 
 believe, they call in this Country, a Rout. 
 My dear Lor, if you dont favour my Flight. 
 But fee if the Toads a'n't tumbling my Toilet. 
 
 Ld. J. Now's your Time, fteal off; I'll co- 
 ver your Retreat. 
 
 Buck. MaCy let La yonqui/ follow to refettle 
 my Cbeveux. Je vous remercie milk, mill? 
 Fots, mon cber my Lor. 
 
 Rack. Hola, Sir Toby, ftole away ! 
 
 Btick. O mon Dieu. 
 
 E 2 Tally.
 
 36 Tfo ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Tally. Poh, rot him, let him alone. He'll 
 never do for our Purpofe. You muft know 
 we intended to kick up a Riot, To-night, at 
 the Play-houfe, and we wanted him of the 
 Party ; but that Fop wou'd fwoon at the Sight 
 of a Cudgel. 
 
 Ld. y. Pray, Sir, what is your Caufe of 
 Contention ? 
 
 Tally. Caufe of Contention, hey, Faith, I 
 know nothing of the Matter. Racket , what 
 is it we are angry about ? 
 
 Rack. Angry about ! Why you know we 
 are to demolish the Dancers. 
 
 Tally. True, true, I had forgot. Will you 
 make one ? 
 
 Ld. y. I beg to be excufed. 
 
 Rack. May hap you are a Friend to the 
 French. 
 
 Ld. y. Not I, indeed, Sir. But, if the 
 Occafion will permit me a Pun, tho' I am far 
 from being a Well-wilher to their Arms, I 
 have no Objection to the being entertained by 
 their Legs. 
 
 Tally. Ay ! Why then if you'll come To- 
 night, you'll fplit your Sides with Laughing, 
 for I'll be rot if we don't make them caper 
 higher, and run fafter, than ever they have 
 dene iince the Battle of Blenheim. Come along, 
 Racket. Exit. 
 
 Ld. y. Was there ever fuch a Contraft ? 
 
 Crab. Not fo remote as you imagine ; they 
 are Scions from the fame Stock, fet in different 
 Soils. The firft Shrub, you fee, flowers moft 
 
 prodi-
 
 returned from PARIS. 37 
 
 prodigally, but matures nothings the laft Slip, 
 tho' flunted, bears a little Fruit 5 crabbed, 'tis 
 true, but flill the Growth of the Clime. Come, 
 you'll follow your Friend. Exit. 
 
 Enter Luanda, with a Servant. 
 "Luc. When Mr. Crab, or Sir Charles* en- 
 quire for me -, you will conduit them hither. 
 
 Exit. Serv. 
 
 How I long for an End to this important In- 
 terview ! Not that I have any great Expecta- 
 tions from the IfTue ; but ftill, in my Circum- 
 ftances, a State of Sufpence is, of all Situations, 
 the moil difagreeable. But hum, they come. 
 'Enter Sir Charles, Macruthen, Ld. John, 
 
 and Crab. 
 
 Buck. Mac, announce me. 
 Mac. Madam, Sir Charles Buck craves the 
 Honour of kifling your Hand. 
 
 Buck. 'Ires bumble Serviteur. Et comment 
 fa forte Mademoifelle. I am ravim'd to fee 
 thee, ma chere petite Lucinde. Eh blen, ma 
 Reine ! Why, you look divinely, Child. But, 
 mon Infant, they have drefs'd you moft diabo- 
 lically. Why, what a Coiffeufe muft you 
 have, and, oh mon Dieu, a total Abfence of 
 Rouge. But, perhaps, you are out. I had 
 a Cargo from Deffreny the Day of my De- 
 parture ; mall I have the Honour to fupply you ? 
 Luc. You are obliging, Sir, but I confefs 
 myfelf a Convert to the chafte Cuitoms of this 
 Country, and, with a commercial People, you 
 know, Sir Charles, all Artifice 
 
 Buck.
 
 3 3 f&e ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck. Artifice ! You miftake the Point, ma 
 Chere. A proper Proportion of red, is an indif- 
 penfible Part of your Drefs -, and, in my pri- 
 vate Opinion, a Woman might as well appear, 
 in public, without Powder, or a Pettycoat. 
 
 Crab. And, in my private Opinion, a Wo- 
 man who puts on the firft, wou'd make very 
 little Difficulty in pulling off the laft. 
 
 Buck. Oh, Moniieur Crab's Judgment muft 
 be decifive in Drefs. Well, and what Amufe- 
 ments, what Spectacles, what Parties, what 
 Contrivances, to conquer Father Time, that 
 Foe to the Fair ? I fancy one muft ennuier con- 
 Jiderablement in your London here. 
 
 Luc. Oh, we are in no Diftrefs for Diver- 
 fions. We have an Opera. 
 
 Buck. Italien y I fuppofe, pitotabk* mock- 
 ing, ajjommant ! Oh, there is no fupporting 
 their hi, hi, hi> hi. Ah mon Dieu ! Ah-, Cbaffe 
 brillant Soleil, 
 
 Brillant Soleil, 
 
 A-t-onjamais vfu ton pared? 
 There's Mufic and Melody. 
 
 Luc. What a Fop ! 
 
 Buck. But proceed, ma Princejfe. 
 
 Luc. Oh, then we have Plays. 
 
 Buck. That I deny, Child, 
 
 Luc. No Plays ! 
 
 Buck. No. 
 
 Luc. The Aflertion is a little whimfical. 
 
 Buck. Ay, that may be; you have here 
 dramatic Things, farcical in their Compofi- 
 tion, and ridiculous in their Reprefentation. 
 
 Luc.
 
 returned from PARIS. 39 
 
 Luc. Sir, I own myfelf unequal to the Con- 
 troverfy; but, furely, Shakefpear My Lord, 
 this SubjedT: calls upon you for its Defence. 
 
 Crab. I know from what Fountain this 
 Fool has drawn his Remarks ; the Author of 
 the Cbinefe Orphan, in the Preface to which 
 Mr* Voltaire calls the principal Works of 
 Shakefpear monftrous Farces, 
 
 Ld. y. Mr. Crab is right, Madam. Mr. 
 Voltaire has ftigmatized with a very unjuft and 
 a very invidious Appellation the principal 
 Works of that great Matter of the Paffions ; 
 and his apparent Motive renders him the more 
 inexcufable. 
 
 Luc. What cou'd it be, my Lord ? 
 
 Ld. y. The preventing his Countrymen 
 from becoming acquainted with our Author; 
 that he might be at Liberty to pilfer from him, 
 with the greater Security. 
 
 Luc. Ungenerous, indeed ?" 
 
 Buck. Palpable Defamation. 
 
 Luc. And as to the Exhibition, I have been 
 taught to believe, that for a natural Pathetic, 
 and a fpirited Expreffion, no People upon 
 Earth 
 
 Buck. You are impos'd upon, Child; the 
 Lequefne, the Lanoue, the Grandval, the Du- 
 menilj the Gaujjen, what Dignity, what Action ! 
 But, a propos, I have myfelf wrote a Tragedy 
 in French. 
 
 Luc. Indeed! 
 
 Buck. En Verite, upon Voltaire's Plan. 
 
 Crab.
 
 40 7k ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. That mufl be a precious Piece of 
 Work. 
 
 Buck. It is now in Repetition at the French 
 Comedy. Grandval and La Gauffen perform 
 the principal Parts. Oh, what an Eclat! What 
 a Burft will it make in the Parterre, when the 
 King of Ananamaboe refufes the Perfon of the 
 Princefs of Cochineal! 
 
 Luc. Do you remember the Pafiage ? 
 
 Buck. Entire; and 1 believe I can convey it 
 in their manner. 
 
 Luc. That will be delightful. 
 
 Buck. And firft the King, 
 
 Ma chere Pnnceffe,je vous alme, ceft wait 
 De ma Femme vous portez les charmants 
 
 Attraits. 
 Mais ce nefl pas bonne te pour un Homme, 
 
 tel que moi, 
 
 De tromper ma Femme, ou de romfre ma 
 FoL 
 
 Luc. Inimitable! 
 
 Buck. Now the Princefs; {he is, as you 
 may fuppofe, in extreme Diftrefs, 
 
 Luc. No doubt. 
 
 Buck. Mon grand Roy, mon Cher adorable, 
 Ayez pitit de moi ; jefuis inconfolable. 
 [Then he turns his Back upon her, at which, 
 me in a Fury,] 
 
 Monjlre t ingrat, affreux, horrible, funefte. 
 
 Oh queje vous aime, ah que je voits detefte! 
 
 {Then
 
 returned from PARIS. 41 
 
 [Then he,l 
 
 Penfez VQUS, Madame, a me donner la Loi y 
 
 Votre Haine, votre Amour ; font les mhnes 
 Cbofes a mot. 
 
 Luc. Bravo ! 
 
 Ld. y. Bravo, bravo! 
 
 Buck. Ay, there's Paflion and Poetry, and 
 Reafon and Rhime. Oh how I deteft Blood, 
 and blank Verfe ! There is fomething fo foft, 
 ib mufical, and fo natural in the rich Rhimes 
 of the 'Theatre Francois ! 
 
 Ld. y. I did not know Sir Charles was fo 
 totally devoted to the Belles Lettres. 
 
 Buck. Oh, entirely. 'Tis the Ton, the 
 Tafle, I am every Night at the Cafe * Pro- 
 cope, and had not I had the Misfortune to be 
 born in this curft Country, I make no Doubt 
 but you wou'd have feen my Name among 
 the foremoft of the French Academy. 
 
 Crab. I mould think you might eafily get 
 over that Difficulty, if you will be but fo 
 obliging, as publicly to renounce us. I dare 
 engage not one of your Countrymen {hall 
 contradict, or claim you. 
 
 Buck. No! Impoffible. From the Barba- 
 rity of my Education, I muft ever be taken 
 for un Anglois. 
 
 Crab. Never. 
 
 Buck. En Verite? 
 
 Crab. En Verlte. 
 
 Buck. You flatter me. 
 
 * A CofFee-houfe, oppofite the French Com;dy, where the 
 Wits aflemble even* Evening. 
 
 F Crab.
 
 42 The ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Crab. But common Juftice. 
 
 Mac. Nay, Maiiler Crab is in the Right, 
 for I have often heard the French themfelves 
 fay, Is it poffible that Gentleman can be 
 Britijh ? 
 
 Buck. Obliging Creatures ! And you all 
 concur with them. 
 
 Crab. Entirely. 
 
 Luc. Entirely. 
 
 Ld.J. Entirely. 
 
 Buck. How happy you make me ! 
 
 Crab. Egregious Puppy ! But we lofe Time. 
 A Truce to this Trumpery. You have read 
 your Father's Will ? 
 
 Buck. No ; I read no Englifi. When Mac 
 has turn'd it into French, I may run over the 
 Items. 
 
 Crab. I have told you the Part that con- 
 cerns the Girl. And as your Declaration up- 
 on it will difcharge me, I leave you to what 
 you will call an EC lair element. Come, my 
 Lord. 
 
 Buck. Nay, but Monfieur Crab, my Lor, 
 Mac. 
 
 Crab. Along with us. Ex. 
 
 Buck. A comfortable Scrape lam in ! What 
 the Deuce am I to do, in the Language of the 
 Place ? I am to make Love, I fuppofe. A 
 pretty Employment! 
 
 Liic. I fancy my Hero is a little puzzled 
 with his Part. But, now for it. 
 
 Buck. A queer Creature, that Crab, ma Pe- 
 tite. But, a proposy How d'you like my Lord ? 
 
 Luc. He feems to have good Senfe and 
 good Breeding. Buck.
 
 returned from PARIS. 43 
 
 Buck. Pas trap. But don't you think he 
 has fomething of a foreign Kind of Air about 
 kim? 
 
 Luc. Foreign ! 
 
 Buck. Ay, fomething fo Engli/h in his 
 Manner. 
 
 Luc. Foreign, and 'Engllfh ! I don't com- 
 prehend you. 
 
 Buck. Why that is, he has not the Eafe, 
 the ye ne fcai quoi, the bon TOJI In a Word, 
 he does not refemble me now. 
 
 Luc. Not in the lead. 
 
 Buck. Ah, I thought fo. He is to be pi- 
 ty 'd, poor Devil, he can't help it. But, entre 
 nous, ma Chere, the Fellow has a Fortune. 
 
 Luc. How does that concern me, Sir 
 Charles ? 
 
 Buck. Why, je penfe, ma Reine, that your 
 Eyes have done Execution there. 
 
 Luc. My Eyes Execution ! 
 
 Buck. Ay, Child, is there any thing fo ex- 
 traordinary in that ? Mafoi, I thought by the 
 Vivacity of his Praife, that he had already 
 fummon'd the Garrifon to furrender. 
 
 Luc. To carrry on the Allufion, I believe 
 my Lord is too good a Commander, to com- 
 mence a fruitlefs Siege He cou'd not but 
 know the Condition of the Town. 
 
 Buck. Condition ! Explain, ma Chere.. 
 
 Luc. I was in Hopes your Interview with 
 Mr. Crab had made that unneceffary. 
 
 Buck. Oh, ay, I do recollect fomething of 
 
 a ridiculous Article about Marriage, in a Will. 
 
 F 2 But
 
 44 We ENGLISHMAN 
 
 But what a Plot againft the Peace of two poor 
 People ! Well, the Malice of fome Men is 
 amazing ! Not contented with doing all the 
 Mifchief they can in their Life, they are for 
 intailing their Malevolence like their Eftates 
 to lateft Pofterity. 
 
 Luc. Your Contempt of me, Sir Charles, I 
 receive as a Compliment. But the infinite 
 Obligations I owe to the Man, who had the 
 Misfortune to call you Son, compel me to 
 infill:, that in my Prefence, at leaft, no Indig- 
 nity be offered to his Memory. 
 
 Buck. Hey day ! What, in heroics, ma 
 Reine ! 
 
 Luc. Ungrateful, unfilial Wretch ! fo foon 
 to trample on his Ames, whofe fond Heart, 
 the greateft Load of his laft Hour were his 
 Fears for thy future Welfare. 
 
 Buck. Mafoi, die eft Folle y me is mz&,fans 
 doute. 
 
 Luc. But I am to blame. Can he who 
 breaks through one facred Relation regard 
 another ? Can the Monfter who is corrupt 
 enough to contemn the Place of his Birth, re- 
 verence thofe who gave him Being ? Impof- 
 fible. 
 
 Buck. Ah, a pretty Monologue, a fine So- 
 liloquy this, Child. 
 
 Luc. Contemptible. But I am cool. 
 Buck. I am mighty glad of it. Now we 
 fhall understand one another, I hope. 
 
 Luc. We do underftand one another. 
 You have already been kind enough to 
 refufe me. Nothing is wanting but a formal 
 
 Rejtc-
 
 returned from PARIS. 45 
 
 Rejection under your Hand, and fo concludes 
 our Acquaintance. 
 
 Buck. Vous allez trop vife, you are too quick, 
 ma cbere. If I recoiled, the Confequence 
 of this Rejection is my paying you twenty 
 thoufand Pounds. 
 Luc. True. 
 
 Buck. Now that have not I the leaft Incli- 
 nation to do. 
 
 Luc. No, Sir ? Why you own that Mar- 
 riage 
 
 Buck. Is my Averfion. I'll give you that 
 under my Hand, if you pleafe; but I have a 
 prodigious Love for the Louis. 
 
 Luc. Oh, we'll foon fettle that Difpute; 
 the Law 
 
 Buck. But, hold, ma Reine. I don't find 
 that my provident Father has precifely deter- 
 mined the Time of this comfortable Conjunc- 
 tion. So, tho' I am condemned, the Day of 
 Execution is not fixed. 
 Luc. Sir ! 
 
 Buck. I fay, my Soul, there goes no more 
 to your dying a Maid, than my living a Bat- 
 chelor. 
 
 Luc. O, Sir, I fhall find a Remedy. 
 Buck. But now fuppofe, ma Belle > I have 
 found one to your Hand ? 
 Luc. As how ? Name one. 
 Buck. I'll name two. And firft, mon En- 
 fant ; tho' I have an irrefiftable Antipathy to 
 the conjugal Knot, yet I am by no means 
 blind to your perfonal Charms ; in the Pof- 
 fefiion of which, if you pleafe to place me, 
 
 not
 
 46 He ENGLISHMAN 
 
 not only the aforefaid twenty thoufand 
 Pounds, but the whole Terre of your devoted 
 fhall fall at your 
 
 Luc. Grant me Patience. 
 
 Buck. Indeed you want it, my Dear. But 
 if you flounce, I fly. 
 
 Luc. Quick, Sir, your other. For this is^ 
 
 Buck. I grant, not quite fo fafhionable as 
 my other. It is then, in a Word, that you 
 would let this lubberly Lord make you a La- 
 dy, and appoint me his Affiftant, his private 
 Friend, his Cijifbei. And as we are to be 
 joint Partakers of your Perfon, let us be equal 
 Sharers in your Fortune, ma Belle. 
 
 Luc. Thou mean, abject, mercenary Thing. 
 Thy Miftrefs ! Gracious Heaven ! Univerfal 
 Empire mou'd not bribe me to be thy Bride. 
 And what Apology, what Excufe cou'd a Wo- 
 man of the leaft Senfe or Spirit make, for fo 
 unnatural a Connection ! 
 
 Buck. Fort-bien! 
 
 Luc. Where are thy Attractions ? Canft 
 thou be weak enough to fuppole thy frippery 
 Drefs, thy Affectation, thy Grimace, cou'd in- 
 fluence beyond the Borders of a Brothel ? 
 
 Buck. Tres bien ! 
 
 Luc. And what are thy Improvements ? 
 Thy Air is a Copy from thy Barber : For thy 
 Drefs, thou art indebted to thy Taylor. Thou 
 haft loft thy native Language, and brought 
 home none in Exchange for it. 
 
 Buck. Extremement bien ! 
 
 Luc.
 
 returned from PARIS. 47 
 
 Luc. Had not thy Vanity fo foon expofed 
 thy Villainy, I might, in reverence to that 
 Name, to which thou art a Difgrace, have 
 taken a wretched Chance with thee for Life. 
 
 Buck. I am obliged to you for that. And a 
 pretty pacific Partner I fhou'd have had. Why, 
 look'ee, Child, you have been, to be fure, very 
 eloquent, and upon the whole, not unenter- 
 taining : Tho' by the by, you have forgot, in 
 your Catalogue, one of my foreign Acquifi- 
 tions ; ceji-a-dire, that I can, with a moft in- 
 trepid Sangfroid, without a fingle Emotion, 
 fupport all this Storm of female Fury. But, 
 adieu, ma Belle. And when a cool Hour of 
 Reflection has made you feniible of the Pro- 
 priety of my Propofals, I mail expedt the Ho- 
 nour of a Card. 
 
 Luc. Be gone for ever. 
 
 Buck. Pour jamais ! Foregad, me would 
 make an admirable A&rice. If I once get her 
 to Paris, (lie mail play a Part in my Piece. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Luc. I am amam'd, this Thing has had the 
 Power to move me thus. Who waits there ? 
 
 Defire Mr. Crab 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab. 
 
 Ld. y. We have been unwillingly, Madam, 
 filent WitnefTes to this mameful Scene. I blufh. 
 that a Creature, who wears the outward Mark 
 of Humanity, mou'd be in his Morals fo much 
 below 
 
 Crab. Pry'thee why didir thou not call thy 
 Maids, and tofs the Booby in a Blanket ? 
 
 Ld.J.
 
 48 f&g ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Ld. y. If I might be permitted, Madam, to 
 conclude what I intended faying, when inter-* 
 rupted by Mr. Crab 
 
 Luc . My Lord, don't think me guilty of 
 Affectation. I believe, I guefs at your generous 
 Defign ; but my Temper is really fo ruffled, 
 befides I am meditating a Piece of female Re- 
 venge on this Coxcomb. 
 
 Ld. y. Dear Madam, can I affift ? 
 
 Luc. Only by defiring my Maid to bring 
 hither the Tea. My Lord, I am confounded 
 at the Liberty, but 
 
 Ld. y. No Apology. You honour me, Ma- 
 dam. Exit. 
 
 Crab. And pry'thee, Wench, what is thy 
 Scheme ? 
 
 Luc. Oh, a very harmlefs one, I promife 
 you. 
 
 Crab* Zounds, I am forry for it. I long 
 to fee the Puppy feverely punim'd, methinks. 
 
 Luc. Sir Charles, I fancy, can't be yet got 
 out of the Houfe. Will you defire him to ftep 
 hither ? 
 
 Crab. I'll bring him. 
 
 Luc. No, I wim to have him alone. 
 
 Crab. Why then I'll fend him. Exit. 
 
 Enter Lettice. 
 
 Luc. Place thefe Things on the Table, a 
 Chair on each Side : Very well. Do you keep 
 within Call. But hark, he is here. Leave me, 
 Lettice. 
 
 Exit Lettice. 
 A Enter
 
 returned from PARIS. 49 
 
 Enter Buck, 
 
 Buck. So, fo, I thought (he wou'd come 
 to; but, I confefs, not altogether fo foon. EJ) 
 bien, ma Belle, fee me ready to receive your 
 Commands. 
 
 Luc. Pray be feated, Sir Charles. I am 
 afraid the natural Warmth of my Temper 
 might have hurry'd me into fome Expreffions, 
 not altogether fo fuitable. 
 
 Buck. Ah, Bagatelle. Name it not. 
 
 Luc. Voulez-vous du The, Monfieur ? 
 
 Buck. Volontiers. This Tea is a pretty, 
 innocent Kind of Beverage ; I wonder the 
 French don't take it. I have fome Thoughts 
 of giving it a Fafhion next Winter. 
 
 Luc. That will be very obliging. It is of 
 extreme Service to the Ladies this Side the 
 Water, you know. 
 
 Buck. True, it promotes Parties, and infu- 
 fes a Kind of Spirit into Converfation, that 
 
 Luc. En voulez-vous encore ? 
 
 Buck, Je iwus rends milk Graces. But 
 what has occafioned me, ma Rcine,- the Ho- 
 nour of your MelTage by Mr. Crab ? 
 
 Luc. The Favours 1 have received from 
 your Family, Sir Charles, I thought, demand- 
 ed from me, at my quitting your Houfe, a 
 more decent, and ceremonious Adieu, than 
 our laft Interview wou'd admit of. 
 
 Buck. Is that all, ma Chere ? I thought 
 your flinty Heart had, at laft, relented. Well, 
 n.a Reine, Adieu. 
 
 Luc. Can you then leave me ? 
 
 Buck. The Fates will have it fo. 
 
 G Luc.
 
 50 The E N G L I S H MA N 
 
 Luc. Go then; perfidious Tray tor, begone; 
 I have this Confolation however, that if I cannot 
 legally pofTefs you, no other Woman fhall. 
 
 Buck. Hey, how, what ? 
 
 Luc. And tho' the Pleafure of living with 
 you is deny'd me, in our Deaths, at leaft, we 
 lhall foon be united. 
 
 Buck. Soon be united in Death? When, 
 Child ? 
 
 Luc. Within this Hour. 
 
 Buck. Which Way ? 
 
 Luc. The fatal Draught's already at my 
 Heart. I feel it here; it runs thro' every 
 Pore. Pangs, Pangs, unutterable ! The Tea 
 we drank, urg'd by Defpair and Love Oh ! 
 
 Buck. Well! 
 
 Luc. I poifon'd. 
 
 Buck. The Devil ! 
 
 Luc. And as my generous Heart wou'4 have 
 fhar'd all with you, I gave you half. 
 
 Buck. Oh, curfe your Generolity ! 
 
 Luc. Indulge me in the cold Comfort of a 
 laft Embrace. 
 
 Buck. Embrace ! O confound you ! But it 
 
 may'nt be too late. Macrutben, Jonquil, 
 
 Phyficians, Apothecaries, Oil and Antidotes. 
 
 Oh ! Je meurs, Je meurs. Ah, la DiableiTe ! 
 
 Enter Lord John and Crab, Exit. 
 
 Crab. A brave Wench. I cou'd kifs thee 
 for this Contrivance. 
 
 Ld. y. He really deferves it all. 
 
 Crab. Deferves it ! Hang him. But the 
 feniible Refcntment of this Girl has almoft 
 
 reconciled
 
 returned from PARIS. 51 
 
 reconciled me to the World again. But flay, 
 let us fee Can't we make a farther ufe of the 
 Puppy's Punimment ? I fuppofe, we may very 
 fafely depend on your Contempt of him ? 
 
 Luc. Mod fecurely, 
 
 Crab. And this young Thing here, has been 
 breathing Paflions and Protections. But I'll 
 take care, my Girl ma'nt go a Beggar to any 
 Man's Bed. We mud have this twenty thou- 
 fand Pound, Lucy. 
 
 Ld. J. I regard it not. Let me be happy, 
 and let him be - 
 
 Crab. Pfha, don't fcorch me with thy Flames, 
 Referve your Raptures -, or, if they muft have 
 Vent, retire into that Room, whilft I go plague 
 the Puppy. 
 
 Enter Buck, Macruthen, Jonquil, Bearnois, 
 La Loire, Phyfician, Surgeon. Buck m 
 a Cap and Night Gown. 
 
 Surg. This copious Phlebotomy will abate 
 the Inflammation, and if the fix Blifters on your 
 Head and Back rife, why there may be Hopes. 
 
 Buck. Cold Comfort. I burn, I burn, I 
 burn Ah, there's a Shoot. And now, again, 
 I freeze. 
 
 Mac. Ay, they are aw Symptoms' of a 
 ftrong Poyfon. 
 
 Buck. Oh, I am on the Rack. 
 
 Mac. Oh, if it be got to the Vitals, a Fig 
 for aw Antidotes. 
 
 Enter Crab. 
 
 Crab. Where is this miferable Devil? What's 
 he alive ftill ? 
 
 Mac. In gnde Troth, and that's aw. 
 
 G 2 Buck,
 
 5^ ffk ENGLISHMAN 
 
 Buck, Oh! 
 
 Crab. So, you have made a pretty piece of* 
 Work on't, young Man ! 
 
 Buck. O what cou'd provoke me to return 
 from Paris ? 
 
 Crab. Had you never been there, this cou'd 
 not have happened. 
 
 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. 
 
 Rack. Where is he ? He's a dead Man, 
 his Eyes are fix'd already. 
 
 Buck. Oh! 
 
 Tally. Who poifon'd him, Racket ? 
 
 Rack. Gad I don't know. His French Cook, 
 I reckon. 
 
 Crab. Were there a Poflibility of thy Refor- 
 mation, I have yet a Secret to reflore thee. 
 
 Buck. Oh give it, give it. 
 
 Crab. Not ib faft. It muft be on good Con- 
 ditions. 
 
 Buck. Name 'em. Take my Eftate, my 
 fave but my Life, take all. 
 
 Crab. Firft then renounce thy Right to that 
 Lady, whofe juft Refentment has drawn this 
 Punimment upon thee ; and, in which me is 
 an unhappy Partaker. 
 
 Buck. I renounce her from my Soul. 
 
 Crab. To this Declaration you are Wit- 
 nefTes. Next, your tawdry Trappings, your 
 foreign Foppery, your Wames, Paints, Po- 
 mades, muft blaze before your Door. 
 
 Buck. What, all ? 
 
 Crab. All 5 not a Rag (hall be referv'd. The 
 Execution of this Part of your Sentence mall 
 be affign'd to your old Friends here. 
 
 Buck.
 
 returned from PARIS. 53 
 
 Buck. Well, take 'em. 
 
 'Tally . Huzzah, come Racket, let's rummage. 
 
 Cr^. And, laftly, I'll have thefe exotic At- 
 tendants, thefe Instruments of your Luxury, 
 thefe Pandars to your Pride, pack'd in the firft 
 Cart, and fent poft to the Place from whence 
 they came. 
 
 Buck. Spare me but La Jonquil. 
 
 Crab. Not an Inftant. The Importation 
 of thefe Puppies makes a Part of the Politics 
 of your old Friends, the French ; unable to 
 refift you, whilft you retain your ancient 
 Roughnefs, they have Recourfe to thefe Mi- 
 nions, who would firft, by unmanly Means, 
 fap and foften all your native Spirit, and then 
 deliver you an eafy Prey to their Employers. 
 
 Buck. Since then it muft be fo, adieu La 
 Jonquil. Exeunt. 
 
 Crab. And now to the Remedy. Come 
 forth, Lucinda. 
 
 Enter Lucinda and Lord John. 
 
 Buck. Hey, why did not me fwallow the 
 Poifon ? 
 
 Crab. NOJ nor you neither, you Block- 
 head. 
 
 Buck. Why, did not I leave you in Pangs ? 
 
 Luc. Ay, put on. The Tea was innocent, 
 upon my Honour, Sir Charles. But you al- 
 low me to be an excellent Actrice. 
 
 Enter Racket and Tallyhoe. 
 
 Buck. Oh, curfe your Talents ! 
 
 Crab. This Fellow's public Renunciation, 
 
 has put your Perfon and Fortune in your own 
 
 3 Power :
 
 54 Me ENGLISHMAN be. 
 Power : And if you were fincere in your De- 
 claration of being directed by me, bellow it 
 there. 
 
 Luc. As a Proof of my Sincerity, my Lord, 
 receive it. 
 
 Ld. J. With more Tranfport, than Sir 
 Charles the News of his Safety. 
 
 Luc. to Buck. You are not, at prefent, 
 in a Condition to take Poffeffion of your Poft. 
 
 Buck. What? 
 
 Luc. Oh, you recollect ; my Lord's private 
 Friend ; his Affiftant you know. 
 
 Buck. Oh, oh I 
 
 Mac. But, Sir Charles , as I find the Affair 
 of the Poifon was but a Joke, had na'ye better 
 withdraw, and tack off your Blifters ? 
 
 Crab. No, let 'em ftick. He wants 'em. 
 And now concludes my Care. But before we 
 clofe the Scene, receive, young Man, this laft 
 Advice from the old Friend of your Father : 
 As it is your Happinefs to be born a Briton, 
 let it be your Boaft; know that the Bleffings 
 of Liberty are your Birth-right, which while 
 you preferve, other Nations may envy or fear, 
 but can never conquer or contemn you. Be- 
 lieve, that French Fafhions are as ill fuited to 
 the Genius, as their Politics are pernicious to 
 die Peace of your native Land. 
 
 A Convert to thefe facred Truths, you'll find 
 ybaf Pcifon for your Puni/hment defigrfd 
 Will prove a wbolefome Medians to your Mind.
 
 THE 
 
 KNIGHTS. 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 I N 
 
 TWO ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed 
 
 At the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane. 
 
 B Y 
 
 SAMUEL F O O T E, Efq; 
 
 fed babet Comcedia tanto 
 
 Plus oneris, quanta Venice minus. Hor. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for P. V A i L L A NT, oppofite Southampton-Street} 
 in the Strand. M.DCC.LiV.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 >^ 
 
 /V /& /#/? Opportunity I jball 
 have of addrejjlng the Public this 
 Year, I think it my Duty to return them 
 my warmeft Acknowledgments for their 
 favourable Reception of the following 
 little Piece. 
 
 "The three principal CharaElers I met 
 'with in a Summer s Expedition ; they art 
 neither vamp'd from antiquated Plxys, 
 pilfer d from French Farces^ nor the 
 bajelefs Beings of the Poets Brain. I 
 have given them in their plain natural 
 Habit ; they wanted no dramatic Finijh- 
 ing ; nor can I claim any other Merit 
 than grouping them together ', and throw- 
 ing them into Attion. The Juftice done 
 2 them
 
 vi PREFACE. 
 
 them there by the Performers^ has been 
 too Jlrongly diftinguijti d by the Town, to 
 render any thing from me neceffary : I 
 could only wifo that the Managers of 
 the Theatres would employ Mr. Ca flail o, 
 whofe peculiar NaiVett, and firiEl Pro- 
 priety^ would, greatly become many Cha- 
 rafters on our Stage. 
 
 PRO-
 
 P Pv O L O G U E, 
 
 Written and fpoke by Mr. FOOTE. 
 
 TJAPPY rr.y Mufe, hadjhefirft turyd her Art^ 
 J-^L From Humour^ dangerous Path, to touch the 
 
 Heart. 
 
 They, who in all tie Bluffer of Blank Ferfe, 
 The mournful Tales of Love, and War, t ehearfe ; 
 Are fure the Critics C'nfure to efcape, 
 
 TGU bifs not Her ess now, you only g c -p e * 
 
 Nor, (Strangers quite to Heroes, Kings, and Queens,) 
 
 Dare you intrude, your Judgment, on. their Scenes. 
 
 A different Lot the Comic Mufe attends, 
 
 She is oblig'd) to treat you with your Friends ; 
 
 Muft fearch the Court, the Forum, and the City j 
 
 Mark cut the Dull, the Gallant and the Witty , 
 
 Touth's wild Profufan, th? Avarice of Age ; 
 
 Nay, bring the -Pit if/elf, upon the Stage. 
 
 Firft to ths Bar, foe turns her various Face ; 
 
 Hem, my Lord, I cr.: Council in this Cafe, 
 
 And if fo be, ycur Lordjhip Jhould think fit , 
 
 Wi^y to be fure, my Client nn>-ft fubmit ; 
 
 For wby, becaufe then cff /he trips again, 
 
 And to the Sons of Commerce, Jbifts her Scene : 
 
 There, wbilft the griping Sire, with mcpeing Care, 
 
 Defrauds the World, himfelf, t' enrich his Heir, 
 
 The pi'Ais Bey, his Father's Toil rewarding, 
 
 For Thoufands throws a Miin at Covent-Garden. 
 
 Thefe are the Portraits we're oblig 'd to fnow ; 
 
 Tou all are Judges if they're like or no : 
 
 Here fh'/uld we fail, fame other Shape we'll try^ 
 
 And grace our future Scenes, with jNow/ty. 
 
 i
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 I have a Plan to treat you vuitb Burletta, 
 Jbat cannot mif- your 'Tajle, Mia Spillttta. 
 But Jhould the following Piece your Mirth excite, 
 From Nature's Volume, we'll perjtft to write. 
 Tour pcrtial Fivour t bad us firjl -proceed ; 
 
 t tb* Offender ; fince ycu urgdibe Dsed. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 Mifs Penelope Trifle 
 Mifs Sucky Trifle - 
 
 Mr. Foote. 
 Mr. Tates. 
 Mr. Slakes. 
 Mr. Caftalh. 
 Mr. Cloitgh. 
 Mifs Minors. 
 Mrs. Crofs. 
 Mifs Mills. 
 
 THE
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 SCENE, a Room. 
 HARTOP and JENKINS difcoverd. 
 
 JENKINS. 
 
 Should not chufe to marry into fuch 
 
 a Family. 
 
 Har. Choice, Dear T>ick y is very 
 
 little concern'd in the Matter : And 
 to convince you that Love is not the Minifter 
 of my Counfels, know, that I never faw bun 
 once the Object of my prcfent Purpofe ; and 
 that too at a Time, and in a Circumstance, 
 not very likely to (lamp a favourable Impref- 
 iion. What think you of a raw Boarding- 
 School Girl at Lincoln Minftcr, with a Mind 
 unpolifh'd, a Figure uninform'd, and a Set of 
 Features tainted with the Colours of her un- 
 whoJcfome Food ? 
 
 B Jenk.
 
 2 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jenk. No very engaging Objcd indeed, 
 Hartop. 
 
 Har. Your Thoughts now were mine then : 
 But fome Connections I have fince had with 
 her Father, have given Birth to my prefent 
 Defign upon her : You are no Stranger to the 
 Situation of my Circumftances : My Neigh- 
 bourhood to Sir 'Penurious Trifle, was a fuf- 
 ficient Motive for his advancing what Money 
 I wanted by way of Mortgage : The hard 
 Terms he impos'd upon me, and the little 
 Regard I have paid to Oeconomy, has made 
 it neceilary for me to attempt by fome Scheme 
 the Re-eftablifhment of my Fortune. This 
 young Lady's Simplicity, not to call it Igno- 
 rance, prefcmed her at once as a proper Sub- 
 ject for my Purpofe. 
 
 Jenk. Succefs to you, Jack, with all my 
 Soul! A Fellow of your Spirit and Vivacity, 
 Mankind ought to fupport for the Sake of 
 themfelvcs. For whatever Seneca and the 
 other moral Writers may have fuggefted in 
 Contempt of Riches, it is plain their Maxims 
 were not Calculated for the World as it now 
 (lands : In Days of Yore, indeed, when Vir- 
 tue was call'd Wifdom, and Vice, Folly, fuch 
 Principles might have been encourag'd , but 
 as the prefent Subjects of our Enquiry arc, 
 not what a Man is, but what he has; as to 
 be Rich, is to be wife and virtuous, and to 
 be Poor, ignorant and vicious, I heartily ap- 
 plaud your Plam ! 
 
 ffar.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. j 
 
 Har. Your Obfervation is but too juft. 
 And is it nor, 'D/ck, a little unaccountable 
 that we who condefcend fo fcrvilely to copy 
 the Follies and Fopperies of our polite Neigh- 
 bours, fhould be fo totally averfe to an Imi- 
 tation of their Virtues ? In France, has he 
 Wealth ? is an Interrogation never put 'till 
 they are disappointed in their Inquires after 
 the Birth and Wifdom of a fafhionable Fel- 
 low : But here, How much a Year Two 
 
 Thoufand. The Devil! In what County? 
 Berkshire. Indeed ? God blefs us ! A happy 
 Dog ! How the duce come I to be intereftcd 
 in a Man's Fortune, unleis I am his Steward 
 or his Taylor : Indeed Knowledge and Ge- 
 nius are worth examining into; by thofe my 
 Understanding may be improv'd, or my Ima- 
 gination gratify 'd ; but why fuch a Man's be- 
 ing able to eat Ortolans , and drink French 
 Wine, is to recommend him to my Efteem, 
 is what I can't readily conceive. 
 
 Jenk. This Complaint may with Juftice be 
 made of all Imitations : The ridiculous Side 
 is ever the Objed imitated. But a Truce to 
 moralizing, and to our Bufinefs. Prithee, in 
 the firft Place, how can you gain Admittance 
 to your Miftrefs ? And in the fecond, is the 
 Girl independent of her Father ? His Con- 
 fent, I fuppofe, you have no Thought of ob- 
 taining. 
 
 Har. Some farther Propofals concerning 
 
 my Eifate 5 fuch as an Increafc of the Mort- 
 
 B 2 ga<*e,
 
 4 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 gage, or an abfolute Sale, is a fufficient Pre- 
 tence for 2. Vifit : And as to the Cafh, Twenty 
 to my Knowledge ; independent too, you 
 Rogue ! And befides, an only Child, you 
 know : And then, when Things are done, 
 they can't be undone And 'tis well it's no 
 worfe and a Hundred fuch pretty Proverbs, 
 will, it's great Odds, reconcile the oM Fel- 
 low at laft. Befides, my Papa in foffe^ has a 
 Foible, which, if I condefcend to humour, 
 I have his Soul, my Dear. 
 
 Jenk. Prithee, now you are in Spirits, 
 give me a Portrait of Sir Tenurious -, tho' 
 he is my Neighbour, yet is he fo domeliic an 
 Animal, that I know no more of him than 
 the common Country Converiation > that he 
 is a thrifty, wary Man. 
 
 Har. The very Abftradt of Penury ! Sir 
 'John Cutler, with his tranfmigrated Stock- 
 ings, was but a Type of him. For infhmce, 
 the Barber has the Growth of his and his 
 Daughter's Heafl once a Year, for fhaving the 
 Knight once a Fortnight; "his Shoes are made 
 \vith the Leather of a Coach of his. Grand- 
 father's, built in the Year, One j his Male- 
 Servant is -Footman, Groom, Carter, Coach- 
 man, and Taylor $ his Maid employs her Ici- 
 1 lire Hours in Plain-Work for the Neighbours, 
 \Y_liich, Sir 'Penurious takes care, as her La- 
 bour Is for his Emolument, (hall be as many 
 as poffiblc, by joining with his Daughter in 
 icouring the Rooms, making the Beds, &-c. 
 
 thus
 
 THE KNIGHTS. S 
 
 thus much for his moral Character. Then 
 as to his intellectual, he is a mere Charte 
 Blanche ; the laft Man he is with muft afford 
 him Matter for the next he goes to 5 but a Story 
 is his Idol, throw him in that, and he fwal* 
 lows it j no matter what, raw or roafted, 
 favoury or infipid, down it goes, and u]> 
 again to the firft Perfon he meets : k is upon 
 this Bafis I found my Favour with the Knight, 
 having acquir'd Patience enough to hear his 
 Stories, and equip'd myfelf with a Quantity 
 fufficient to furnifh him > his Manner is in- 
 deed peculiar, and for once or twice enter- 
 taining enough. I'll give you a Specimen 
 Is not that an Equipage ? 
 
 Jenk. Hey ! Yes, faith, and the Owner, 
 an Acquaintance of mine : Sir Gregory Ga~ 
 zette, by Jupiter ! and his Son ''Tim with 
 him. Now I can match your Knight. He. 
 muft come this way to the Parlour. We'll 
 have a Scene ; but take your Cue 5 he is a 
 Country Politician. 
 
 Sir Gregory entering, and Waiter. 
 Sir Greg. What, neither the Gloucester 
 Journal^ nor the Worcefter Courant, nor the 
 Northampton Mercury ', nor the Chefter ? 
 Mr. Jenkins, I am your humble Servant : A 
 ft range Town this, Mr. Jenkins, no News 
 ftirring, no Papers taken in ! Is that Gentle- 
 man a Stranger, Mr. Jenkins ? Pray, Sir, not 
 to be too bold, you don't come from London ? 
 
 Bar.
 
 6 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Har. But laft Night. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-aday! That's Wonderful! 
 Mr. Jenkins, introduce me. 
 
 Jenk. Mr. Hartop, Sir Gregory Gazette. 
 . Sir Greg. Sir, I am proud to Well, Sir, 
 and what News ? You come from Pray, Sir, 
 are you a Parliament Man ? 
 
 Har. Not I, indeed, Sir. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack 1 . May be belong to 
 the Law, f 
 
 Har. Nor that. 
 
 Sir Greg. Oh, then in fome of the Offices 5 
 the Treafury or the Exchequer. 
 . Har. Neither, Sir. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! That's wonderful ! 
 Well, but Mr. Pray what Name did Mr. 
 Jenkins, ah! ah. 
 
 Har. Hartop. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, true ! What, not of th 
 Hartops of Bofton. 
 
 Har. No. 
 
 S/> Greg. May be not. There is, Mr. 
 Hartop, one Thing that I envy you London- 
 ers in much : Quires of News-Papers ! Now, 
 I reckon, you read a Matter of eight Sheets 
 every Day. 
 
 Har. Not one. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful! Then, may be, you 
 are about Court ; and fo being at the Foun- 
 tain Head, know what is in the Papers before 
 they are printed.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 7 
 
 Har. I never trouble my Head about them. 
 An old Fool! 
 
 Sir Greg. Good Lord ! Your Friend, Mr. 
 Jenkins^ is very clofe. 
 
 Jenk. Why, Sir Gregory, Mr. Hartop is 
 much in the Secrets above j and it becomes a 
 Man fo truftcd to be wary, you know. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo, may be fo. Won- 
 derful ! Ay, ay, a great Man, no doubt. 
 
 Jenk. But 111 give him a better Infight into 
 your Character, and that will induce him t 
 throw off his Referve. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo , do, do ; ay, ay ! 
 
 Jenk. Prithee, Jack, don't be fo crufty : 
 Indulge the Knight's Humour a little 5 befides, 
 if I guefs right, it may be necefiary for the 
 Condud of your Defign to contract a pretty 
 ftrid Intimacy there. 
 
 Har. Well, do as you will. 
 
 Jenk. Sir Gregory, Mr Hartop's Ignorance 
 of your Character made him a little fhy in 
 his Replies ; but you will now find him more 
 communicative; and, in your Ear, He is a 
 Treafure > he is in all the Myfteries of Go- 
 vernment, at the Bottom of every Thing. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! A Treafure ! Ay, 
 may be fo. 
 
 Jenk. And that you may have him to your- 
 felf I'll go in fearch of your Son. 
 
 Sir Greg. Do fo, do fo 5 Tim is without -, 
 |pft come from his Uncle Tregegle's at Mene-
 
 8 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 gizy in Cornwall: Tim is an honed Lad! 
 Do fo, do ib. {Exit Jenk. Well, Mr. 
 Hart op, and fo we have a Peace Lack-a-day! 
 Long look'd for come at laft. But, pray, Mr. 
 Hartop^ how many News-Papers may you 
 have printed in a Week ? 
 
 Har. About a hundred and fifty, Sir Gre- 
 gory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! And all 
 full, I reckon 5 full as an Egg ; nothing but 
 News ! Well, well, I fhall go to London one 
 of thefe Days. A hundred and fifty ! Won- 
 derful ! And, pray now, which do you reckon 
 the beft ? 
 
 Har. Oh, Sir Gregory -, they are as various 
 In their Excellencies as their Ufes ; if you are 
 inclined to blacken by a couple of Lines the 
 Reputation of a Neighbour, whofe Charac- 
 ter neither your nor his whole Life can pof- 
 iibly reftore ; you may do it for two Shillings 
 in one Paper : If you are difplaced, or difap- 
 pointed of a Place, a Triplet againft the Mi- 
 niftry will be always well received at the Head 
 of another : And then as a Paper of Morning 
 Amufement, you have the Fool. 
 
 Sir Greg. The Fool ! Good lack ! And pray 
 who and what may that fame Fool be ? 
 
 Har. Why, Sir Gregory^ the Author has 
 artfully aflumed that Habit, like the rbyal 
 Jefters of old, to level his Satyr with more 
 Security to himfelf, and Severity to others. 
 
 5*
 
 T H fe KNIGHTS, 
 
 Sir Greg. May b'e fo, may be fo! The 
 Fool ! Ha, ha, ha ! Weil enough ! A queer 
 Dog, and no Fool, I warrant you. Killi- 
 gre^, ah, I have heard my Grandfather talk 
 much of that fame Kzlligre'^i and no Fool. 
 But what's all this to News, Mr. Hartop ? 
 Who gives us the bed Account of the King 
 of Spain, and the Queen of Hungary, ana 
 thofc great Folks ? Come now, you could 
 give us a little News if you would ; come 
 now ! -Snug ! Nobody by. Good now do ; 
 come, ever fo little. 
 
 Har. Why as you fo largely contribute to 
 the Support of the Government, it is but fair 
 you fhould know what they are about. We 
 are at prefent in a Treaty with the Pope. 
 
 Sir Greg. With the Pope! Wonderful! 
 Good now, good now ! How, how ? 
 
 Har. We arc to yield him up a large Tfaft 
 of the Terra-Incognita, together with both 
 the Needles, Stilly '-Rocks, and the Lizatd- 
 Toint, on Condition that the Pretender has 
 the Government of -Ldputa, and the Btfhop 
 of Greenland fucceeds to St. 'Peter's Chair ; he 
 being, you know, a Proteftant, when poffciied 
 of the Pontificals, iilues out a Bull, com- 
 manding all Catholicks to be of his Religion, 
 they deeming the Pope infallible, follow his 
 Directions ; and then^ Sit Gregory, we are ail 
 of one Mind. 
 
 Sir
 
 io THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack ! Rare 
 News, rare News, rare News ! Ten Millions 
 of Thanks, Mr. Hartop. But might not I 
 juft hint this to Mr. Soakum our Vicar ? 
 'T would rejoice his heart. 
 
 Har. Oh fie ! By no means. 
 
 Sir Greg. Only a Line A little Hint Do 
 now. 
 
 Har. Well, Sir, it is difficult for me to re- 
 fufe you any Thing. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ten thoufand Thanks ! Now f 
 The Pope Wonderful ! I'll minute it down- 
 Both the Needles ? 
 
 Har. Ay, both. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, I'll minute it The 
 Lizard-'PointRofa the Needles Stilly 
 Rocks Bifhop of Greenland St. Teters 
 Chair Why then when this is finifhed we 
 may chance to attack the Great Turk, and 
 have Holy- Wars again, Mr. Hart op. 
 
 Har. That's Part of the Scheme. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ah! Good now I You fee I have 
 a Head ! Politicks have been my Study many 
 a Day. Ah, if I had been in London to im- 
 prove by the News Papers! They tell me Doc- 
 tor 'Drybones is to fucceed to the Bifhoprick 
 
 Har. No 5 Doctor - 
 
 Sir Grey. Indeed ! 1 was told by my Land- 
 lord at Rofs, that it was between him and 
 the Dean of - 
 
 Har. To my Knowledge. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE KNIGHTS. n 
 
 Sir Greg. Nay, you. know beft, to be fu*e: 
 If it Ihould Hufh! Here's Mr. Jenkins, and 
 Son Tim, mum! Mr. Jenkins does not 
 know any Thing about the Treaty with the 
 Pope ? 
 
 Har. Not a Word. 
 
 Sir Gre. Mum ! 
 
 Enter Tim and Mr. Jenkins. 
 
 Jenk. Matter Timothy is almoil grown out 
 of Knowledge, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! Ay, ay, 
 111 Weeds grow a-pace : Son Tim, Mr. Har- 
 top ; a great Man, Child ! Mr. Hartop, Son 
 Tim. 
 
 Har. Sir, I mall be always glad to know 
 every Branch that fprings from fo valuable a 
 Trunk as Sir Gregory Gazette. 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo. Wonderful! Ay, 
 ay! 
 
 Har. Sir I am glad to fee you in Hereford- 
 fiire ! Have you been long from Cornwall I 
 
 Tim. Ay, Sir ; a Matter of four Weeks or 
 a Month, more or lefs 
 
 Sir Greg. Well laid, Tim ! Ay, ay, ask 
 Tim any Queftions, he can anfwcr for him- 
 felf. Tim> tell Mr. Hart op all the News 
 about the Elections, and the Tinners and the 
 Tides, and the Roads and the Pilchards. I 
 want a few Words with my Mafter Jenkins. 
 
 Har. You have been fo long abfent from 
 C z you
 
 i* THE KNIGHTS, 
 
 your native Country, that you have almoft 
 icrgpt it. 
 
 Tim. Yes furc : I ha' been at Uncle Treg- 
 gles r. Matter of Twelve or a Do?en Year, 
 more or lefs. 
 
 Har. Then I reckon you were quite im- 
 patient to fee your Papa and Mama. 
 
 Tim. No fure, not I. Father fent for me 
 to Uncle ; fure tylenegiz,y is a choice Place ! 
 And I could a'ftay'd there all my bom Days, 
 more or lefs. 
 
 Har. Pray, Sir, what were your Amufe-r 
 mcnts ? 
 
 Tim. Nan ! What dye fay ? 
 
 Har. How did you divert yourfelf ? 
 
 Tim. Oh, we ha' Paftimes enow there : 
 We ha' Bull-Baiting, and Cock fighting, and 
 fifLing, and Jrluntjng, and Hurling, and 
 Wrcftjing. 
 
 Har. The t\\\> lad' are Sports for which that 
 Country is very remarkable : In thole, I prc- 
 ftime, you are very expert, 
 
 Tim. Nan ! What ? ' 
 
 Har. I fay you are a good Wreftler. 
 
 Tim. Oh! Yes fure, I can wreftle well 
 : But w<f don't wrefde after your fa- 
 
 ! 
 
 fiiioft: We ha' no Tripping, Farh and Soul ! 
 We go all upon dole Hugs, or the flying 
 Will you try a Fall, Mailer? I wan't 
 you, Farh and Soul ! 
 
 Har. We had as goo.i nor venture tho*. 
 F-ut have you left in Cornwall nothing that
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 13 
 
 you regret the lofs of more than Hurling and 
 Wredling? 
 
 Tim. Nan ! What ? 
 
 Har. No Favourite {he ? 
 
 Tim. Arra, I coupled Favourite and Jow- 
 ler together, and fure they tug'd it all the 
 Way up. Part with Favourite ! No I thank 
 you for nothing ! You mini know I nurs'd 
 Favourite myfelf ! Uncle's Huntfman was go- 
 ing to Mill-Pond to drown all Mufick's Pup- 
 pies 5 fo I fav'd (he : But, fath, Til tell you a 
 comical Story ; at Lanflon^ they both broke 
 loofe, and eat a whole Lion-a'-veal, and a 
 Leg of Beef: Crift! How Landlord fwear'd ! 
 Fath, the poor Fellow was almoft rnaz'd : It 
 made me die wi' Laughing : But how came 
 you to know about our Favourite ? 
 
 Har. A Circumftancc fo material to his 
 Son, could not efcape the Knowledge of Sir 
 Gregory Gazettes Friends. But here you 
 miftook me a Httle 'Squire Tim, I meant whe- 
 ther your Afredions were not fettled upon 
 fome pretty Girl : Has not fomc Cornijb Lafs 
 caught your Heart) 
 
 Tim. Hu(M 'God, the old Man .will hear ; 
 jog a tiny-bit this Way Won't a'tell Father r 
 
 Har. Upon my Honour ! 
 
 Tim. Why then I'll tell you the whole 
 Story more or lefs. Do you know Mally 
 Tengroufe ? 
 
 Har. I am not fo happy. 
 
 Tim,
 
 I 4 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Tim. She's Uncle's Milkmaid 5 {he's as 
 handfome, Lord ; her Face all red and \\hite, 
 like the Infide of a Shoulder of Mutton 3 fo 
 I made Love to our Mally : And juft, lath, 
 as I had got her good Will to run away to 
 Extttr and be married, Uncle found it our, 
 and fent word to Father ; and Father lent 
 for me home ; but 1 don't love her a Bit the 
 \vorfer for that : But, 'Icod, if you tell Fa- 
 ther, he'll knock my Brains out 5 for he lays 
 I'll difparagc the Family j and Mother's, as 
 mad as a March Hare about it : So Father 
 and Mother ha' brought me to be married to 
 fome young Body in thele Parts. 
 
 Har. What, is my Lady here ? 
 
 Tim. No furc, Dame Winifred^ as Father 
 calls her, could not come along. 
 
 Har. I am lorry for that 5 1 have the Ho- 
 nour to be a diftant Relation of her Lady- 
 Ihip's. 
 
 Tim. Like enough, fath ! She's a-kin to 
 half the World, 1 think. But don't you lay 
 a Word to Father about Mally Tengroufe. 
 Hufh! 
 
 Jenk. Mr. Hartop^ Sir Gregory will be 
 amongft us fome time; he is going with his 
 $on to Sir 'Penurious Trifles : There is a 
 kind of a Treaty of Marriage on Foot be- 
 tween Mifs Sukey Trifle and Mr. Timothy. 
 
 Bar. The Devil! 1 (hall be glad of every 
 Circumftance that can make me better ac- 
 cjuaiutcd with Sir Gregory, 
 
 Sir
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 15 
 
 S/r Greg. Good now, good now ; tr\ay be 
 fo, may be fo ! 
 
 Tim. Father, fure the Gentleman fays as 
 how Mother and he are a-kin. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Lack a-day ! Lack- 
 a-day ! How, how ? I am proud to But 
 how, Mr. Hart op> how ? 
 
 Har. Why, Sir, a Coufm-German of my 
 Aunt's firft Husband, inter-marry 'd with a di- 
 ftant Relation of a colateral Branch by the 
 Mother's Side the Apprices of Lantrmdoji ; 
 and we have ever fince quarter'd in a 'Scut- 
 cheon of Pretence the three Goat's Tails ram- 
 pant, divided by a Cheveron, Field argent > 
 with a Leek pendant in the dexter Point, to 
 diitinguifh the fccond Houfc. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! wonderful ! nearly, 
 nearly related ! Good now, good now, if 
 Dame Winifred was here, (he'd make 'em all 
 out with a wet Finger ; but they are above 
 me. Prithee, Tim, good now, fee after the 
 Horfes And d'ye hear? Try if you can get 
 any News-Pnpers. 
 
 Tim. Yes, Father Bur, Coufin What- 
 
 ttye-call-um, not a Word about Mallj Ten- 
 gronfe. 
 
 Hart. Mum! Exit Tim. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, that Boy will make 
 
 fome Miftake about the Horfes now ! I'll go 
 
 myfelf. Good now, no farther, Coufin ; if 
 
 you pleafe, no Ceremony A hundred and 
 
 fift/
 
 16 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 fifty a Week ! The Fool ! ha, ha, ha ! Won- 
 derful ! An odd Dog. Exit Str Greg. 
 
 Jenk. So, Jack, here's a frefh Spoke in 
 your Wheel. 
 
 Har. This is a curfed crofs Incident. 
 
 Jenk. Well, but fomething muft be done 
 to fruftrate the Scheme of your new Cbufin's. 
 Can you think of nothing? 
 
 Har I have been hammering : Pray, are 
 the two Knights intimate ? Are they welfr ac- 
 quainted with each other's Perfon ? 
 
 Jenk. Faith, I can't tell : But we may foon 
 know. 
 
 Har. Cou'd you recommend me a good- 
 fpidted GirT, who has Humour and Com- 
 pliance to follow a few Directions ; and Un- 
 derftanding enough to barter a little Inclina- 
 tion for 3,000 /. a Year, and a Fool ? 
 
 Jenk. In part I guefs your Defign : The 
 Man's Daughter of the Houfe is a good lively 
 Lafs, has a Fortune to make, and no Repu- 
 tation to lofe. I'll call her Jenny ! But the 
 Enemy's at hand I'll withdraw and prepare 
 Jenny. When the worfhipful Family are re- 
 tir'd, I'll introduce the Wench. Exit Jenk, 
 
 Enter Sir Gregory and Tim. 
 
 Sir Greg. Pray now, Coufin, are you in 
 Friendfhip with Sir Tenurious Trifle ? 
 
 Har. I have the Honour, Sir, of that Gen- 
 tleman's Acquaintance. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE K N I G H T S. 17 
 
 Sir Greg. May be fo, may be To! Bur, 
 lack-a-day, Con/in* is he fuch a M.ifcr as 
 Folks fay ? Good now, they tell me we {hall 
 hardly have Ncccffaries for ourfelves and 
 Horfcs at Gripe -Hall: But as you are a Re- 
 lation, you mould) good now, know the 
 Affairs of the Family. Here's Sir c Pe?mriotis's 
 Letter 5 here, Coufin. 
 
 Har. Tour Overture I receive with c P!ea- 
 fure, and fbould be glad to meet yon in 
 Shropfiire. I fanfy, from a thorough Know- 
 ledge of Sir Tenurious's Difpoficion, and by 
 what I can collect from the Contents of that 
 Letter, he would be much better plcas'd to 
 meet you here, than at his own Houfe. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, may be fo ! A 
 ftrangc Man! Wonderful! Bur, good now, 
 Coufin, what muft we do? 
 
 Har. I this Morning pay'd Sir Penurious 
 a Vifit 5 and if you'll honour me with your 
 Commands, I'll- 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful, To-day ! Good now, 
 that's lucky ! Coufin, you are very kind : 
 Good now, I'll fend a Letter, Tim, by Cou- 
 iin Hartop. 
 
 Har. A Letter from fo old an Acquaint- 
 ance, and upon fo happy an Occafion, will 
 iccure me a favourable Reception. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good lack, good lack, an old 
 Acquaintance, indeed, Coufin Hartop / V/e 
 
 were at Hereford's^ together Let's fee, 
 
 wonderful, how long ago ? Twas while I 
 D was
 
 i8 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 was courting Dame Winny > the Year before 
 I married her Good now, how long ? Let's 
 f ct That Year the Hackney Stable was hii'dp, 
 and "Peter Ugly the blind Tad fell into a Saw- 
 pit. 
 
 Tim. Mother fas Father and flic was mar- 
 
 ry M the Firft of jflfril in the Year Ten ; and 
 I knows 'tis there about r for I am two and 
 Thirty 5 and Brother Jeremy, and Roger, 
 and Gregory^ atid- Sifter Nelly, were born'd 
 before I. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! How 
 Time wears away ! Wonderful ! Thirty -eight 
 Years ai^o, Tint; I could not have thought ir, 
 Cut come in, let's fet about the Letter. But 
 pray, Coufin,, what Divcrfiosis, good now, 
 are going forward in London ? 
 
 Har. Oh, Sir, we arc in no Diftrcfs for 
 Amufemenrs j we have Plays, Bails, Puppct- 
 Shows, Mafqueradcs, Bull-baitings, Boxings, 
 Burlcttas, Routs, Drums,, and a thouiand 
 others ; but I am in haile for your Epiftlc, 
 Sir Gregory. 
 
 Str Greg. Coufin, your Servant. 
 
 Exit Sir Greg, and Tin*. 
 
 Har. 1 am your mofl: obedient. Thus far 
 our Scheme (uccccds : And if Jenkins* Girl 
 can aiiume the aukward Pcftneh of the Daugh- 
 ter, with as much Succefs as I can imitate the 
 Spirited Folly of Sir Tenurious the Father, I 
 doa't dcfpair of a happy Cataftrophc. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 19 
 
 Enter Jenny. 
 
 "Jenny. Sir, Mr. Jenkins 
 
 Har. Oh, Child, your Infractions (hall be 
 adminifter'd within. 
 
 ^fenny. Mr. Jenkins has open'd your Dc-v 
 6<_m, and I am ready and able to execute my 
 Part. 
 
 Har. My Dear, I have not the Icaft Doubt 
 of either your Inclination or Ability. But, 
 pox take this old Fellow! What in the De- 
 vil's Name can bring him back ? Scour, Jenny. 
 
 Enter Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Coufin, I beg Pardon, but I have 
 a Favour to beg Good now, could not you 
 make Intereft at fomc Coffee-Houfe in London 
 to buy, for a fmall Matter, the old Books of 
 News-Papers, and fend them into the Country 
 to me? They would pafs away the Time rarely 
 in a rainy Day. 
 
 Har. Sir, I'll fend you a Cart-load. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now : Ten 
 thoufand Thanks ! You are a Coufin indeed ! 
 But pray, Coufin, let r.s, good now, lee fomc 
 of the Works of that lame Fool. 
 
 Har. I'll lend them you all 5 but a - 
 
 Sir Greg. What, all ? Lack a day, that's 
 
 Jdnd, Coulin ! The Terra Incognita Both 
 
 .the Needles a great deal of that ! But \vhar 
 Jiifhop is to be Pope ? 
 
 P I Har.
 
 20 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Har. Zounds, Sir ! I am in hafte for your 
 
 Letter When I return, ask as many Quef- 
 
 tions 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now, that's 
 truc-^I'll in, and about it But, Coufin, the 
 Pope is not to have Gibr alter ? 
 
 Har. No, no ; damn ir, no ! As none but 
 the Foot could fay it, fo none but Ideots would 
 believe him. Pray, Sir Gregory 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, well, Coufin ! Lack a-day, 
 you are fo ~But, pray 
 
 Har. Damn your praying ! If you don't 
 finilh your Letter immediately, you may carry 
 it yourfelf, 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, well, Coufin! Lack-a-day, 
 you are in fuch a-- Good now ! I go, I go. 
 
 Har. But if the Truth fhouid be dilcovci'd, 
 I (hall be inevitably difappointcd. 
 
 Sir Greg. But, Coufin, are Stilly Rocks^ 
 
 Har, I wifh they were in your Guts, with 
 all my Heart ! I mud quit the Field, 1 find. 
 
 Exit. 
 
 Sir Qreg. Wonderful ! Good now, good 
 now, a paillonate Man ! Lack-a-day, I am 
 glad the Pope is not to have Gihr$lter tho' J 
 
 ACT
 
 ACT II. 
 
 S C E N E. 
 
 Sir GREGORY, and TIM reading News to 
 him, difcovered. 
 
 ^ N. S. Nov. if, the 
 ^ Grande Seigniour - 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! Good now, Ttm y 
 the Politick?, Child : And read the Stars, 
 and the Dafhcs, and the Blanks, as I taught 
 you, Tim. 
 
 Tim* Yes, Father We can aflure our 
 Readers that the D - Dafh is to go p to F 
 Blank j and that a certain noble L - is to re- 
 fign his P - e in the T -- y, in order to 
 make r m for the two three Stars. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now ! Good 
 now! Great News, Tim! Ah, I knew the 
 two three Stars would come in Play one time 
 or other., This London Evening knows more 
 than any of them. Well, Child, well. 
 
 Tim. From the C D. J. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, that's the ^Dublin Journal, 
 Go on, Ttm. 
 
 Tim. Lair Saturday a Gang of Highwaymen 
 broke into an empty Houfe on 
 (liip'd it of all the Furniture. 
 
 3 ftr
 
 22 THE KNIGHT 5. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack>a day ; wonderful! To 
 what a height thefc Rogues are grown. 
 
 Tim. The way to Mr. Keif/js Chapel is 
 turn of your- 
 
 Sir Greg. Pfhaw ! Skip that, Tim^ I know 
 that Road as well as the Doctor ! 'Tis in every 
 Time. 
 
 Tim. I Ward, at the Cat and Gridiron, 
 Petticoat-Lane ; makes Tabby all over for 
 People inclined to be crooked : And if he was 
 to have the univerfal World for making a 
 Pair of Stays he could not put better Stuff in 
 them 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now -> where 's that, Tim ? 
 
 'Tim. At the Cat and Gridiron, Father. 
 
 Sir Greg. I'll minute that : All my Lady 
 Ifard's Children, good now, arc inclined to 
 be crooked- 
 
 Enter a Drawer. 
 
 *Draw. Sir, Mr. Jenkins beg's to fpcak 
 with you. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now 5 dc/irc him to walfc 
 Jn- 
 
 Enter Jenkins. 
 
 yenk. I thought it might not be improper 
 to prepare you for a Vifir from Sir 'Penurious 
 Trifle : I (aw him and his Daughter alight ar 
 the Apothecary's above. 
 
 Sir Greg. What, they are come, wonder- 
 ful! Very kind, very kind, very kind, in- 
 deed, Mr, Come, Tim, fettle my Cravat t 
 
 Good
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 23 
 
 Good now, let's be a little decent : Remem- 
 ber your beft BOAV to your Miftrefs, Tim. 
 
 Tim. Yes, Father : But muft not I kifs 
 Mifs Suck? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, ay, ay ! Pray, is 
 Coufin Hartofiy come along ? 
 
 Jenk. I have not feen him : But, I fanfy> 
 I had better introduce my Neighbours. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, would you be fo 
 kind ! Exit Jenkins. Stand behind me$ 
 Tim. Pull down your Ruffles, Child. 
 
 Tim. But, Father, won't Mifs Suck think 
 me bold if I kifs her Chops the firft Time? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! No, Tim, no ; 
 Faint Heart never won fair Lady. Ha! Titn, 
 had you but feen me attack Dame JVinny ! But 
 Times ar'n't as they were! Good now, we 
 were anothcp kind of Folks in thofe Days; 
 flout, hearty Smacks, that would ha' made 
 your Mouth water again 5 and the Mark ftood 
 upon the pouting Lip like the Print upon a 
 Pound of Butter. But the Mafter-Miffes of 
 the prefent Age go, lack-a-day, as gingerly 
 about it, as if they were afraid to fill their 
 Mouths with the Paint upon their Miftrefles 
 Cheeks. Ah, the Days I have feen. 
 
 Tim. Nsy, Father* I warrant, if that's all, 
 I kjfs her hearty enow, Fath and Sole ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Huih, Tim, hum I Stand behind 
 me, Child. 
 
 Enter
 
 * 4 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Enter Hartop as Sir Tenurioiis Trifle* and 
 Jenny as Miis.Sukej, aid jfenktns. 
 
 Sir Greg. Sir ^Penurious, I am overjoy 'd ! 
 Good now 1 
 
 Sir Ten. Sir Gregory, I kifs your Hand I 
 My Daughter Suck. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Mifs, I am proud 
 to Son Tim 'Sir 'Penurious -Bell Bow, 
 Child Mifs Suck 
 
 Tim. An't that right, Father ? {kiffes her. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! I am 
 glad to fee you look To well 1 You keep your 
 own, Sir 'Penurious. 
 
 Sir 'Pen. Ay, ay, Itoat enough, Sir Gregory, 
 ftout enough, Brother Knight ! Hearty as an 
 Oak 5 hey, 'Dick ? Gad, now I talk of an 
 Oak, I'll tell you a Story of an Oak; it will 
 make you die with Laughing 5 hey, you T)ick, 
 you have heard it : Shall 1 tell it, Sir Gregory? 
 
 Jenk. Tho J I have heard it fo often, yet 
 there is fomething fo engaging in your Man- 
 ner of telling a Story, that it always appears 
 new. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now, good now, 
 I love a comical Story. Pray, Sir 'Penurious, 
 let's have it: Mind, Tim, mind, Child. 
 
 Tim. Yes, Father ; Fath and Sole, 1 love a 
 choice Story to my Heart's Blood ! 
 
 Sir Ten. You, Knight, I was at Bath laft 
 Summer A Water that People drink when 
 they arc ill : You have heard of the Bath, 
 <Dick? Hey, you! Tim.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 25 
 
 Tim. Yes, Fath, I know Bath ; I was 
 there in Way up. 
 
 Sir Greg. Hufh, Tim 5 good now, hufh ! 
 
 Sir Ten. There's a Corfee-Houfe, you, a 
 Place where People drink Coffee and Tea, 
 and read the News. 
 
 Sir Greg. Pray, Sir 'Penurious-, how many 
 Papers may they take in ? 
 
 Sir Ten. Pfhaw ! Damn the News 1 Mind 
 the Story. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now I A hafty 
 Man, Tim! 
 
 Sir Pen. Pox take you both ! I have loft 
 the Story Where did I leave off, hey, you 
 
 Tim. About Coffee and Tea. 
 
 Sir Ten. Right, you, right ! True, true ! 
 So, God, you Knight, I us'd to Brcakfaft at 
 this Coffec-Houfe every Morning, it coft me 
 eight Pence tho', and I had always a Breakfaft 
 at Home No Matter for that tho' 1 There I 
 breakfafted 5 you 'Dick, God, at the fame 
 Table with Lord Tom Truewtt You have 
 heard of Truewit t you, Knight ; a Droll Dog! 
 You Dick y he told us the Story and made us 
 die with Laughing : You have heard of Char Us 
 the Second, you Knight, he was Son of 
 Charles the Firft ; King here in England* that 
 was beheaded by Oliver Cromwell, to what 
 does Charles the Second, you Knight, do 5 
 but he rights Noll at Worcefter, a Town you 
 have heard of, not far off; but all would not
 
 26 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 do, you j God, NoHmadc him fcampcr, made 
 him run ; take to his Heels, you Knight j 
 Tntewit told us the Story,, made us die with, 
 Laughing ; I always breaktafted at the Coftee- 
 Houfc, ic coft me 8 </. tho' I had a Breakfaft 
 at Home So ; what does Charles do, but he 
 hid himfcif in an Oak, an Oak Tree, you, in 
 a Wood call'd Bofcobel, from two Italian 
 WordSj Bofto Beilo, a fine Wood, you; 
 and off he marches : But old Noll would not 
 let him come home ; no, fays he, you don't 
 come here Lord Tom told us the Story; 
 made us die with Laughing ; it coft me 8 d. 
 tho' I had a Brcakfaft at home : So, you 
 Knight, when Noll dy'd; Monk there, you, 
 afterwards ALbermarle^ in the North brought 
 him -back: So, you, the Cavaliers, you have 
 heard of them? They were Friends to the 
 Stuart s, what did they do, God, you ^Dick^ 
 but they put up Charles in a Sign, the Royal 
 Oak, you have fecn fuch Signs at Country 
 Alchoules : So, God, you, what does a 'Pu- 
 ritan do, the Turitans were Friends to Not!, 
 but he puts up the Sign of an Owl in an Ivy 
 Bufh, and underneath he writes, This is not 
 tke Royal Oak: You have ieen Writings un- 
 der Signs, you Knight : Upon this, fays the 
 Royalifts, God this muft not be; fo, you, 
 what do they do, but, God, they profecuted 
 the poor ^Puritan ; but they made him change 
 his Sign tho' : And, you Ttick, how d'ye 
 think they chang'd* God, he puts up the 
 
 Royal
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 27 
 
 Royal Oak ; and underneath he writes, This is 
 not the Owl in the I-vy Bujh. It made us all 
 die with Laughing; Lord Torn told the Story ; 
 I always brcakfaftcd at the Coffee-houfo, tho' 
 it coft me 8 d. and I had a Breakfaft at home, 
 hey, you, Knight ; what, 'Dick, hey ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now > wonder- 
 ful ! 
 
 Tim. A choice Talc, Path ! 
 
 Jenk. Oh, Sir 'Penurious is a moft enter- 
 taining Companion that muft be allow'd. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, ay, ay, a merry 
 Man ! But, lack-a-day, would not the young 
 Lady chufe a little Refrefhment after her Ride ? 
 Some Tea, or fome 
 
 Sir Ten. Hey, you Knight! No, no 5 we 
 intend to dine with thee, Man. Well, you, 
 Tim, what doft think of thy Father in-law that 
 is to be, hey? A jolly Cock, you Tim, hey 
 *Dick. But prithee, Boy, what doft do with 
 all this tawdry Tinfel on? That Hat and 
 Waiftcoat ? Tralh, Knight, Trafh ! More in thy 
 Pocket and lefs in thy Cloaths; hey, you 
 'Dick ? God, you Knight, I'll make you laugh : 
 I went to London, you "Dick, laft Year to call 
 in a Mortage ; and what does me I, 2>/r, 
 but take a Trip to a Coffee Houie in St. Mar- 
 tin's Lane y in comes a French Fellow forty 
 Times as fine as Ttm y with his Muff and Tarle- 
 vouS) and his Frances 5 and his Head, you 
 Knight, as white with Powder, God, you, as 
 E z a 
 
 4
 
 28 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 a twelfth Cake: And who the X)cvil d'ye 
 think, 'Dick, this might be, hey, you Knight ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, an Ambaflador to be 
 fure. 
 
 Sir Ten. God, you Knight, nor better nor 
 worfe then Mynheer Vancaper, a *Dutch Fi 
 gure Dancer at the Opcra-Houfe in the Hay- 
 market. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now, good 
 now ! 
 
 Sir Ten. Pfhaw ! Pox, prithee, Tim, no- 
 body dreffes now; all plain; look at me, 
 Knight, I am in the Tip of the Mode ; now 
 am I in full Drefs, hey, <Dick ? 
 
 Jenk. You, Sir, don't want the Aids of 
 Drefs : But in Mr. Gazette, a little Regard 
 to that Particular is but a neceflary Compli- 
 ment to his Miftrefs. 
 
 Sir Ten. Stuff, T>ick, (luff! My Daughter, 
 Knight, has had other guefs Breeding; hey 
 you ! Stick y come forward. Plain as a Pike- 
 Staff, Knight, all as Nature made her; hey, 
 lim, no Flams: Prithee, Tim, off with thy Lace 
 and burn it ; 'twill help to buy the Licence : 
 She'il not like thee a bit the better for that ; 
 hey, Suck ! But, you Knight ; God, <>/>, a 
 Toad and Tankard would not be amifs after 
 our Walk 5 hey, you ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good ^now, good now ! What 
 you will, Sir Tenurious. 
 
 Sir Ten. God, that's hearty you ! But we 
 .won't part the young Couple, hey : I'll fend
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 2f 
 
 Suck fome Bread and Checfc in; hey, Knight ! 
 At her, Tim. Come, T>/ck ; come, you, 
 Knight. Did I ever tell you my Courtfhip, 
 hey, "Dick ? 'Twill make you laugh. 
 
 Jenk. Not as I remember. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack a-day, let's have it. 
 
 Sir Ten. You know my Wife was blind, 
 you, Knight. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now; wonderful ! Not I. 
 
 Sir 'Pen. Blind as a Beetle when I marry 'd 
 her, Knight : Hey, 'Dick ! She was drown'd 
 in our Orchard : Maid Befs, Knight, went to 
 Market, you, 'Dick ; and Wife rambled into 
 the Orchard, and foufe, drop'd into the Fifh- 
 pond : We found her out next Day, but fhe 
 was dead as a Herring : No help for that, 
 *Dick > buried her tho', hey, you ! She was 
 only Daughter to Sir Trijtram Muckworm, 
 you ; rich enough, you, hey ! God, you, 
 what does fhe do, you, but fhe falls in Love 
 with young Sleek her Father's Chaplain, hey, 
 you ! Upon that, what does me 1, but flips 
 on c Domines Robes, you, pafs'd myfelf upon 
 her for him, and we were tack'd together, 
 you, Knight, hey ! God, tho' I believe fhe 
 never lik'd me ; but what fignifies that, hey, 
 *Dick ! She was rich, you. But come, let's 
 leave the Children together. 
 
 Sir Greg. Sir, I wait on you. 
 
 Sir 'Pen. Nay, pray 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now, 'tis im- 
 poillbk 
 
 Sit
 
 30 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Sir Ten. Pox of Ceremony ! You, 
 hey ? God, Knight, I'll tell you a Story : One 
 of our Ambafladors in France, you, a devilifh 
 polite Fellow reckon'd, c Dick : God, you, 
 what does the King of France do, but, fays 
 he, I'll try the Manners of this fine Gentle- 
 man : So, Knight, going into a Coach to- 
 gether, the King would have my Lord go 
 lirft : Oh, an't pleafe your Majefty, I can't in- 
 deed , you, hey, 'Dick ! Upon which, what 
 does me the King, but he takes his Arm thus, 
 you, 'Dick-, am I King of France, or you ? 
 Is it my Coach or yours? and fo pufhes him 
 in thus. Hey, 'Dick I 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now ! He, he, 
 he! 
 
 Sir Ten. God, 'Dick, I believe I have made 
 a Miftake here > I fhould have gone in firft 5 
 hey, 'Dick ! Knight, God, you, beg Pardon. 
 Yes, your Coach, not mine 5 your Houfe, not 
 mine; hey, Knight! 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! a merry Man, Mr. 
 Jenkins. Exit the tizo Knts. and Jenk. 
 
 Tim. Father and Coufin are gone, Fath and 
 Sole! 
 
 Jenny. I fanfy my Lover is a little puzzled 
 how to begin. 
 
 Tim. How Fath and Sole, I don't know 
 what to fay : How d'ye do, Mifs Suck ? 
 
 Jenny. Pretty well, thank you. 
 
 Tim. You have had a choice Walk. Tis 
 a rare Day, Fath and Sole. 
 
 Jenny.
 
 THE KNIGHTS: 31 
 
 Jenny. Yes, the Day's well enough. 
 
 Tim. Is your Houfe a good way off here ? 
 
 Jenny. Dree or four Mile. 
 
 Tim. That's a good long Walk, fath ! 
 
 Jenny. I make nothing of it, and back 
 again. 
 
 Tim. Like enow. (JVhijlles.) 
 
 Jenny. (Sings.) 
 
 Tim. You have a rare Pipe of your own, 
 Mifs. 
 
 Jenny. I can img loud enough, if I have 
 a Mind : But Father don't love Singing. 
 
 Tim. Like enow. (Whiftles.) 
 
 Jenny. And I an't over fond of Whittling. 
 
 Tim. Hey ! ay, like enow : And I am a 
 bitter bad Singer. 
 
 Jenny. Hey ! ay, like enough. 
 
 Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did ever any body 
 make Love to you before ? 
 
 Jenny. Before ! When ? 
 
 Tim. Before now. 
 
 Jenny. What if I won't tell you? 
 
 Tim. Why then you muft let it alone, Fath 
 and Sole. 
 
 Jenny. Like enough. 
 
 Tim. Pray, Mifs Suck, did your Father tell 
 you any thing ? 
 
 Jenny. About what ? 
 
 Tim. About I. 
 
 Jenny. What (hould a tell ? 
 
 Tim* Tell ! Why, as how I and Father was 
 come a woing. 
 
 Jenny.
 
 32 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jenny. Who? 
 
 Tim, .Why, you. Could you like me for 
 a Sweet heart, Mifs Suck? 
 
 Jenny. \ don't know. 
 
 Tim. Mayhap fomebody may ha* got your 
 good Will already ? 
 
 Jenny. And what then ? 
 
 Tim. Then ! Hey, I don't know. But if 
 you could fanfy me 
 
 Jenny. For what ? 
 
 Tim. For your True lover, 
 
 Jenny. Well, what then ? 
 
 Tim. Then : Hey ! Why, fath, we may 
 chance to be marry 'd, if the old Folks agree 
 together. 
 
 Jenny i And fuppofe I won't be marry'd to 
 you? 
 
 Tim. Nay, Mifs Suck, I can't help it, Fath 
 and Sole. But Father and Mother bid me 
 come a courting : And if you won't ha* me, 
 I'll tell Father fo. 
 
 Jenny. You are in a woundy Hurry, me- 
 thinks. 
 
 Tim. Not I, fath ! You may (lay as long 
 
 Enter Waiter. 
 
 Wait. There's a Woman without wants to 
 fpcak with Mr. Timothy Gazette. 
 
 lim. That's I. I am glad on'r. Well, 
 Mifs Sttckj your Servant. You'll think about 
 it, and let's know your Mind when I come 
 
 back.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 33 
 
 back. God, I don't care whether (he likes 
 me or no ; I don't like her half fo well as 
 Mally 'Pengrottfe Well, your Servant, Mils 
 Suck. Exit. Tim. 
 
 Jenny. Was there ever fuch an unlick'd 
 Cub? I don't think his Fortune a fufficient 
 Reward for facrifidng my Perfon to fuch a 
 Booby : But as he has Money enough, it (hall 
 go hard but I pleafe myfelf : I fear I was a 
 little too backward with my Gentleman : But 
 hov/ever, a favourable Anfwer to his lalt Que- 
 ftion will foon fettle Matters. 
 
 Enter Jenkins. 
 
 Jenk. Now, Jenny y what News, Child? 
 Are things fix'd ? Are you ready for the nup- 
 tial Knot ? 
 
 Jenny. We are in a fair way : I thought 
 to have quicken'd my Swain's Advances by a 
 little affecled Coynefs ; but the Trap would 
 not take : I expecl: him back in a Minute, 
 and then leave it to my Management. 
 
 Jenk. Where is he gone ? 
 
 Jenny. The Drawer called him to fome 
 Woman. 
 
 Jenk. Woman ! He neither knows or is 
 known by any Body here. What can this 
 mean ? No Counterplot ! But, pox, that's im- 
 ppflible ! You have not blab'd Jenny ? 
 
 Jenny. My Intereft would prevent me, 
 
 Jenk. Upon that Security any Woman 
 i? may
 
 34 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 may, I think, be trufted. I rauft after him 
 fho'. {Exit, 
 
 Jenny. I knew the Time when Jenkins 
 would not have left me fo haftily : 'tis odd 
 that the fame Caufe that increafcs the Paflion 
 in one Sex, fhould deftroy it in the other : 
 The Reafon is above my Reach ; but the Fad 
 I am a feverc Witnefs of. Heigh ho ! 
 
 Enter Hartop, Sir Penurious, and Sir Gregory 
 
 Gazette. 
 
 Sir Ten. And fo, you Knight, fays he, you 
 know Knight, what low Dogs the Minifters 
 were then, how does your Pot a Pot, you, 
 that they put over the Fire to boil Broth and 
 Meat in. You have feen a Pot, you Knight 
 how does your Pot boil thefe troublefome 
 Times? hey you! God, my Lord, fays he, I 
 don't know, I feldom go into my Kitchen 5 
 a Kitchen, you Knight is a Place where they 
 drefs Viduals ; roaft and boil, and fo forth > 
 God, fays he, I feldom go into my Kitchen: 
 but, I fuppoie, the Scum is uppern^ft ftill 5 
 hey, you Knight ! What, God, hey ; but 
 Where's your Son, Sir Gregory^ ? Good now, 
 good now, where's Tim, Mils Sukey ? lack- 
 a- day, what's become of ^im ? 
 
 Jenny. Gone out a tiny bit; he'll be hcrq 
 prefcntly. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now ! good 
 now ! Well, and how Mifs Sukey has Tim ? 
 has he ? well, and what, you have Wonderful ! 
 
 Enter
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 35 
 
 Enter a Servant with a Letter. 
 
 Serv. Sir, I was commanded to deliver this 
 into your own Hands by Mr. Jenkins. 
 
 Sir Ten. Hey, you,. what, a Letter? God 
 fo ! Any Anfwer you ? hey ! 
 
 Serv. Nonei Sir. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, Sir Tenurmns Is bu- 
 fy ! Well, Mifs, and did Tim do the Thing? 
 Did he pleafe you? Come now, tell us the 
 whole Story : wonderful ! Rare News for 
 Dame Winny ! ha, Tim's Father's own Son 1 
 But come, whifper -ay. 
 
 Sir Ten. I have only Time to tell you that 
 your Scheme is blafted: This Inftant I en- 
 counter d Mrs* Penelope Trifle, with he? 
 Niece, they will foon be with you -So then 
 all's over, but let's fee what Expedition will do 
 
 Well, you Knight, hey I What have they 
 
 fettled ? Is the Girl willing ! 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, good now, right as 
 my Leg ! Ah/ Tim, little did I think but, 
 lack-a-day, I wonder where the Boy is ! Let's 
 feek him. 
 
 Sir Ten. Agreed, you Knight ; hey^ cOme 
 
 Enter Jenkins 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day > here's Mn Jenkins., 
 Good now, have you feen Tim ? 
 
 Jenk. Your Curiofity (hall be immediately 
 fatisfied j but I muft firft have a Word with 
 Sir Tenurious. 
 
 Sir Ten, Well you, what, hey 5 any News, 
 Wick? F 2 Jenk,
 
 36 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jenk. Better than you could hope, your 
 Rival is difpos'd of. 
 
 Sir Pen. Difpos'd of! How ? 
 
 Jenk. Marry 'd by this Time, you Rogue ? 
 The Woman that wanted him was no other 
 than Mally Tengroufe ; trudg'd it up all the 
 Way after him, as Tim fays, I have recom- 
 mended them to my Chaplain 5 and before 
 this, the Bufmefs is done. 
 
 Har. Braviffimo! you Rogue! But how 
 (hall I get off with the Knight ? 
 
 Jenk. Nay that muft be your Contrivance. 
 
 Har. I have it fuppofe I was to own the 
 whole Dcfign to Sir Gregory, as our Plan has 
 not fucceeded with his Son 5 and as he feems 
 to have a tolerable Regard for me, it is pof- 
 fible he may aflift my Scheme on Sir Te- 
 nurious. 
 
 Jenk. Tis worth trying however : But he 
 comes. 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, good now, Mr. Jenkins, 
 have you fcen Tim ? I can't think where the 
 Boy 
 
 Har. 'Tis now Time, Sir Gregory to fet 
 you clear with rcfped to fome Particulars : I 
 am now no longer Sir 'Penurious Trifle, but 
 your Friend and Relation, Jack Hartop. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now, good 
 now, Coulin Hartop, as I am a living Man 
 Hey Well, but, good now, how, Mr. Jen- 
 ) hey ? 
 
 i Jenk.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 37 
 
 Jenk. The Story, Sir Gregory, is rather 
 too long to tell you now, but in two Words; 
 my Friend Hartop has very long had a Paffioa 
 for Mifs Trifle ; and was apprehenfive your 
 Son's Application would deftroy his Views , 
 which, in order to defeat, he affrjmed the 
 Character of Sir Tenurious : But he is fo 
 captivated with your Integrity and Friend- 
 fhip, that he rather chufes to forego his own 
 Intereft, than interrupt the Happinefs of your 
 Son. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! Good now, good 
 now, that's kind! who could have thought 
 it, Coufin Hartop? Lack-a-day, well, but 
 where's Tim ? hey ! good now, and who arc 
 you ? 
 
 Jenk. This, Sir, is Jenny, the Handmaid 
 of the Houfe. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! A peftilent Hufley f 
 Ah, Hartop, you are a Wag ! A pize of your 
 Pots and your Royal Oaks ! Lack-a-day, who; 
 could ha thought Ah, Jenny, you're a 
 But where's Tim ? 
 
 Enter Sir Gregory',* Servant. 
 
 Serv. Wounds, Matter ! Never ftir alive 
 If Mafter Tim has na gone and marry'd Mally 
 *Pengroufi. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful ! how, Sirrah, how ? 
 Good now, good now, Coufin Hartop- 
 Mafy Tengroufe ! who the dickens is (he ? 
 
 Smt.
 
 38 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Serv. Mafter Timothy's Sweetheart in Corn 
 
 Sir Greg. And how came fhc here ? Lack- 
 a day, Coufin ; 
 
 Serv. She tramp'd it up after Mafter : Ma- 
 fter Timothy is. without, and fays, as how 
 they be marry 'd : I wanted him to come in 
 but he's afraid you'll knock'n down. 
 
 Sir Greg. Knock'n down ! Good now, let 
 me come at him ! I'll ah, Rogue ! Lack-a- 
 day, Coufin, (hew me where he is ! I'll - 
 
 Har, Moderate your Fury, good Sir Gre- 
 gory 5 confider, it is an Evil without a Re- 
 medy. 
 
 Sir Greg. But what will Dame Wmn-y fay ? 
 Good now, fuch a Difparagement to And 
 then, what will Sir 'Penurious fay ? Lack-a- 
 day, I am almoft diftradcd ! And you, you 
 lubberly Dog ! Why did not you I'll Ah, 
 Coufin Hartof ! Coufin Hartop I Good now, 
 good now, 
 
 Har. Dear Sir, be calm ; this is no fuch 
 furprifing Matter ; we have fuch Inftances in 
 the News Papers every Day. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, no, Coufin, no. 
 
 Har. Indeed Sir Gregory it was but laft 
 Week that Lord Lofty s Son marry 'd his Mo- 
 ther's Maid, and Lady Betty Forward run 
 away not a Month ago with her Uncle's 
 Butler. 
 
 Sir Greg. Wonderful! What inthe'News? 
 Good now, that's fome Comfort however, 
 but what will Sir Tenurtousz Har.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. $9 
 
 Har. As to that, leave him to me, I have a 
 Project to prevent his laughing at you I'll war- 
 rant. 
 
 Sir Greg. But how, how, Coufin Hartop, how ? 
 
 Har. Sir Gregory^ dy'e think me your 
 Friend ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, ay, Coufin, ay. 
 
 Har. And would you in return ferve me 
 in a Circumftanee that can't injure yourfelf ? 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now, to be fure, Coufin. 
 
 Har. Will you then permit me to aflumc 
 the Figure of your Son, and fo pay my 
 Addrefles to Mifs Trifle ? I was pretty happy 
 in the Imitation of her Father; and if I could 
 impofe upon your Sagacity, I mail find Ids 
 Difficulty with your Brother Knight. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! Tim I Ah, you 
 could not touch Tim. 
 
 Har. I warrant you. But fee, the young 
 Gentleman. 
 
 Enter Tim. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ah, Tim, Tim! little did I 
 Good now, good now ! 
 
 Tim. I could not help it now, Fath and 
 Sole : But if you'll forgive me this Time, I'll 
 never do fo no more. 
 
 Sir Greg. Well, well, if thee can'ft for- 
 give thyfelf, I can forgive thce ; but thank 
 thy Coufin Hartop. 
 
 Har. Oh, Sir ! if you are fatisfy'd, I am 
 rewarded. I wifli you Joy 5 Joy to you, Child. 
 
 Sir Greg. Thanks, Coufin Hartop. 
 
 ' Ente*
 
 40 THE KNIGHTS, 
 
 Enter Waiter. 
 
 Walt. Sir, Mrs. Tenelope Trifle ', with her 
 Niece, being come to Town, and hearing 
 your Worfhip was in the Houfe, would be 
 glad to pay you their Compliments. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day ! Wonderful ! Here 
 we are all topfy-turvey again ! What can be 
 done now, Coufin Hartop ? 
 
 Har. <Dick ! Shew the Ladies in here, but 
 delay them a little. The luckieft Incident in 
 the World, Sir Gregory ! If you will be kind 
 enough to lend Jenkins your Drefs, and Ma- 
 fter Timothy will favour me with his, I'll 
 make up Matters in a Moment. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, ay, Coufin ! 
 
 Tim. Path and fole, you fhall have mine 
 dire 
 
 Har. No, no, ftep into the next Room a 
 Minute, Sir Gregory. 
 
 Sir Greg. Ay, ay, where you will. 
 
 Tim. Path, here will be choice Sport. 
 
 Exeunt; 
 
 Enter Mrs. Penelope <z<Suck, with Waiter. 
 
 Wait. The Gentlemen will wait on you 
 prefently. Would you chufe any Refrefh- 
 raent ? 
 
 Suck. A Draught of Ale, Friend, for I'm 
 main dry. 
 
 Ten. Fie ! fie ! Niece ! Is that Liquor for 
 a young Lady > Don't difparage your Family 
 
 and
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 41 
 
 and Breeding ! The Perfon is to be born that 
 ever fa\v me touch any thing ftronger than 
 Water 'till I was three-and-twenty. 
 
 Suck. Troth ! Aunt, that's fo long ago, 
 that I think there's few People alive who can 
 remember what you did then. 
 
 Ten. How! Gillflirt ! None of your Fleers! 
 I am glad here's a Husband coming that will 
 take you down : Your Tantrums ! You are 
 grown too head-ftrong and robuft for me. 
 
 Stick. Gad, I believe you would be glad to 
 be taken down the fame way ! 
 
 Ten. Oh ! you are a pert But fee your 
 
 Lover approaches. Now Sukcy, be careful, 
 Child : None of your 
 
 Enter Jenkins as Sir Gregory, ^w^/Hartop 
 as Tim. 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day, Lady ! I rejoice to fee 
 you ! Wonderful ! And your Niece ! Tim, 
 the Ladies. 
 
 Har. Your Servant, Miftrcfs ! I am glad 
 to fee you, Mifs Suck. (Salutes her.) Path 
 and Sole, Miftrefs Suck's a fine young Wo- 
 man, more or lefs ! 
 
 Suck. Yes, I am well enough, I believe. 
 
 Jenk. Bur, Lady ! Where's my Brother 
 Trifle ? Where Sir 'Penurious ? 
 
 Suck. Father's at home in Expectation of 
 you, and Aunt and J be come to Town to 
 make Preparations. 
 
 G Jenk.
 
 42 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 Jenk. Ay! Wonderful ! Pray, Lady ! Shall 
 I, good now ! Crave a Word in private ? 
 Tim, will you and your Sweetheart draw back 
 a little ? 
 
 Har. Yes, Father 5 come, Mifs will you 
 jog a Tinny-bit this Way ? 
 
 Suck. With all my Heart! 
 
 Jenk. There is, Lady, a Wonderful Affair 
 has happen'd, good now ! Son Tim has fallen 
 in Love with a young Woman at his Uncle's, 
 and 'tis partly to prevent bad Confequences 
 that lam, lack-a-day ! fo hafly to match him; 
 and one of my Men, good now ! tells me that 
 he has feen the Wench fince we have been in 
 Town ; fhe has followed us here, fure as a 
 Gqn, Lady ! If Tim fees the Girl he'll never 
 marry your Niece. 
 
 Ten. It is indeed. Sir Gregory Gazette, a 
 mod critical Conjuncture, and requires the 
 rnoft mature Deliberation. 
 
 JenL Deliberation ! Lack-a-day ! Lady ! 
 Whilft we deliberate the Boy will be loft. 
 
 *Pen. Why, Sir Gregory Gazette^ what 
 Operations can we determine upon. 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day ! I know but one. 
 
 'Pen. Adminifter your Propofttion, Sir 
 Gregory Gazette, you will have my Con- 
 currence, Sir, in any Thing that does not de-? 
 rogate from the Regulations of Conduct 5 for 
 it 'would be moft prepofterous in one of my 
 Character, to deviate from the ftriftcft Atten- 
 tion.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 43 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day, Lady ! No fuch Matter 
 is wanted. But, good now ! Could not we 
 tack the young Couple together diredly ? 
 Your Brother and I have already agreed. 
 
 Ten. Are the previous Preliminaries fettled, 
 Sir Gregory Gazette ? 
 
 Jenk. Good now! As firm as a Rock, 
 Lady! 
 
 Ten. Why, then to preferve your Son, 
 and accompUfh the Union between our Fami- 
 lies, I have no Objections to the Acceleration 
 of their Nuptials, provided the Child is in- 
 clined, and a Minifter may be procur'd. 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! You are very good ! 
 Good now ! There has been one Match al- 
 ready in the Houfe to Day. We may have 
 the fame Parfon ; here ! Tim I And young 
 Gentlewoman ! Well, Mifs ! Wonderful and 
 how ? Has, Tim ? Hey, Boy ! Is not Mifs a 
 fine young Lady ? 
 
 Har. Path and Sole, Father! Mifs is a 
 charming young Woman ! All red and white, 
 like Mally Hum ! 
 
 Jenk. Hufh, Tim y well, and Mifs how does 
 my Boy : He's an honeft hearty Lad ! Has he ? 
 Good now ! had the Art ? How d'ye like him, 
 young Gentlewoman ? 
 
 Suck. Liken ? Well enough, I think. 
 
 Jenk. Why, then, Mifs, with your Leave 
 your Aunt and I here have agreed, if you are 
 willing to have the Wedding over diueclly. 
 
 G 2 Suck.
 
 44 THE'KNIGHTS. 
 
 Suck. Gad ! With all my Heart. Ask the 
 young Man. 
 
 Har. Fath and Sole! Juft as you pleafe, 
 To-day, To-morrow, or when you will, 
 more or lefs. 
 
 Jenk. Good now, Good now ! then get you 
 in there, there you will find one to do your 
 Bufinefs : wonderful ! Matters will foon be 
 managed within. Well, Lady, this was, 
 good now, fo kind! Lack a -day ! I verily be- 
 lieve if Dame Winny was dead that I fhould 
 be glad to lead up fuch another Dance with 
 you, Lady ! 
 
 Ten. You are, Sir, fomething too preci- 
 pitate : Nor would there, did Circumftances 
 concur as you infinuate, be.fo abfolete a Cer- 
 titude, that I who have rcjcdcd fo many 
 Matches fhould inftantaneoufly fuccumb. 
 
 'Pink. Lack-a-day ! Lady I Good now ! 
 j . 
 
 Ten. No, Sir ; I would have you inftrucl:- 
 ed, that had not Tenelope Trifle made irrefra- 
 gable Refolutions, (he need not fo long have 
 prcferved her Family Sirname. 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! Why, I was only 
 
 'Pen. Nor has the Title of Lady Gazette, 
 fuch refplendant Charms or fuch bewitching 
 Allurements, as to throw me at once into the 
 Arms of Sir Gregory 
 
 Jenk. Good now ! Who fays 
 
 Ten. Could Wealth, Beauty, or Titles fu- 
 pcrior to perhaps- 
 
 Enter
 
 T H E K N I G H T S. 45 
 
 Enter Sir Gregory, Roger, and Tim. 
 
 Tim. Yes, indeed, Father ; Mr. Hartop knew 
 on't as well as I ; and Mr. Jenkins got us a 
 Parfon. 
 
 Sir Greg. Good now ! good now ! a rare 
 Couple of Friends ! But I'll be even with them ! 
 I'll marr their Market ! Mailer Jenkins, you 
 have fobb'd me finely ! 
 
 Jenk. Lack-a-day! What's the Matter now? 
 
 Sir Greg. Come, come, none of your Lack- 
 a-day ! None of your Gambols, nor your Tricks 
 to me ; good now, good now ! give me my 
 Cloaths ! Here take your tawdry Trappings, I 
 have found you out at laft : I'll be no longer 
 your Property. 
 
 Jenk. Wonderful ! What's all this ? Lady ! 
 
 fx>d now ! good now ! What's here, a Stage- 
 lay? 
 
 Sir Greg. Play me no Plays ! But give me 
 my Wig ! and your precious Friend my loving 
 Coufin, (Poiz on the Kindred) let'n 
 
 Jenk. Good now ! good now ! What are 
 thefe Folks ? As fure as a Gun they're mad. 
 
 Sir Greg. Mad ! no, no ! We are neither mad 
 nor Fools ; no Thanks to you tho'. 
 
 Pen. What is all this ? Can you unravel this 
 Perplexity, untwine this Myllery, Sir Gregory 
 Gazette ? 
 
 Sir Greg. He, Sir Gregory Gazette ? Lack-a- 
 day, Lady ! you are tricked, impofed on, bam- 
 3 boozled j
 
 46 THE KNIGHTS. 
 
 boozled ; good now ! good now ! Tis I am Sir 
 Gregory Gazette. 
 Pen. How! 
 
 Tim. Path and Sole, 'tis true, Miftrefs ! And 
 I am his Son 3?/, and will fwcar it. 
 
 Pen. Why is n't Mr. Timothy Gazette with 
 my Niece Sufamiab Trifle ? 
 
 Tim. Who, me ? Lord ! no 'tis none of I, it 
 is Coufin Hartop in my Cloaths. 
 
 Pen. What's this? And pray Who 
 Jenk. Why, as I fee the Affair is concluded, 
 you may, Madam, call me Jenkins : Come, 
 Hartop, you may now throw off your Difguifc j 
 the Knight had like to have embarraffed us. 
 Pen. How, Mr. Jenkins ! And would you, 
 
 Sir, participate of a Plot too 
 
 Har. Madam, in the Iffue your Family will, 
 I hope, have no great Reafon to repent ; I al- 
 ways had the greateft Veneration for Mifs Pe+ 
 nelope Trifle's Underftanding ; the higheft E- 
 fleem ! for her Virtues can intitle me to the 
 Honour of being regarded as her Relation. 
 
 Pen. Sir, I fhall determine on Nothing, 'till 
 I am apprifed of my Brother's Refolution. 
 
 Har. For that we muft wait. Sir Gregory, 
 I muft intreat your and your Son's Pardon for 
 fome little Liberties I have taken with you both* 
 Mr. Jenkins I have the higheft Obligation to 
 your Friendfhip ; and Mifs, when we become 
 a little better acquainted, I flatter myfelf, the 
 Change will not prove unplealing. 
 Suck. I know nothing at all about it 
 
 Hart.
 
 THE KNIGHTS. 47 
 
 Hart. Sir Gregory, we {hall have your Con> 
 pany at Dinner. 
 
 Sir Greg. Lack-a-day, no, no, that Boy has 
 
 fpoil'd my Stomach Come, T/w, fetch thy 
 
 Rib, and let us be jogging towards Wales ; but 
 how thou wilt get off with thy Mother 
 
 Tim. Never fear. Father 
 
 Since you have been pleased our Nuptial Knot to 
 
 bkfs, 
 Jfe jhall be happy all our Lives more or left- - 
 
 I N I S,
 
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