dl < 1 1 HIWW WHSIH^ ^ fc 'J ^ 3 aaw-an* 5 :-l)NIVER% 1 LIBRARY^ )JI1VDJO> ; -CALIFO^ 4' I ^ ! I K^Aji %ojnv3-jo^ : OF-CAll F0 % jivaan-i / p ' 3 I I i S ^ a I i 1 l | I i $ ^ UB ,T% I s s $ 5 <-/! ^-^^f %v^7^f U whom we are indebted for our VELLUM. But, while the Collector enjoys the proud consciousness of having paid no less a sum than 15 guineas for a handful of Poems by Goldsmith, and Parnell, merely because they were stamped off upon the skin of one of these calves; and 15 guineas more, on the same account, for less than a handful of pages, composing a little book of nursery morality, under the title BIBLIOSOPHIA. 65 of " The Economy of Human Life," I am, for once, provoked to bite the biters, and, retorting their supposed allusion, to " hang a calf's skin on their recreant limbs.'' But as the only effectual way of getting rid of troublesome people, is, to run away from them, I shall suddenly quit the Vellum Copy, and the less reluctantly, as, by an unusual agreement among the moderate, on botk sides of our question, the elegant beauty, and chastened splendor, by which it captivates, have secured to it unanimous admiration, though still with a wide variance of opinion, respecting the proper occasions for its intro- duction, FIRST EDITIONS. It is sufficiently evident, (and here, again, we find both parties at accord,) that the FIRST EDITION of every book, may, prima facie, be supposed to have the advantage of every sub- sequent impression ; because, if printed during the life of the Author, we may be nearly certain that the business of the press has been supervised by himself; and (what is at least 56 BIBLIOSOPHIA. as valuable a consideration) we may be quite certain that it has suffered no violation from that furious spirit of arbitrary improvement, by which Editors are accustomed to be pos- sessed. Here begins, and here ends, the par- tiality of the mere Book-worm, to FIRST EDITIONS. Not so with the Collector, who is distinguished by no other mark so illustri- ously, as by daring deviation from all the tracks of the Student. I have, on various Other occasions, said more than enough to evince, that,in the reasons which influence the former Gentleman in his attachment to these original Editions, the latter can have no part. The Collector, indeed, goes far beyond his learned Rival, in the terms of eulogy with which he greets the FIRST EDITION ; and a metaphor from (or at least a pointed allusion to) sovereignty, is alone thought worthy of distinguishing it: " PRINCBPS EDITIO" is its lofty name. Leaving the Student to vary, and qualify, his expressions of respect, accord- ing to circumstances, the Collector, more loyally, acknowledges the PRINCEPS EDITIO, in all cases, and under every form, as A King indeed !'' BIBLIOSOPHIA. 57 Ye who are not of us, are here ready to ask, with your accustomed flippancy, has he reasons to shew for this determined prefe- rence? or has he passed sentence in (he lump, and in the dark, upon all the plebeian Edi- tions, (as he seems to consider them) without even the formality of inquiring " Which is the Merchant here, and which the Jew?'' Gentlemen, hear him: he tells you, and very truly, that he has been indefatigable in his inquiries after an answer to the only question that at all concerns him ; viz. which is the PRINCEPS EDITIO, and which is not? You are very eloquent, and, to others, perhaps, very convincing, in your rejoinder to this reply ; but permit me, (who presume to consider myself as allied to the Collector) to ask yourselves can you seriously enter- tain the supposition that any man would follow any object so strenuously, and so en- thusiastically, as he is following his, unless he had the most cogent reasons for so follow- ing it - - - whether he may be pleased to assign those reasons, or not ? Or, let this be as it may can it be possible that you have, i9 BIBLIOSOPHIA. knowingly, been addressing these, or any other arguments, to one who sleeps, drinks, diets, physics, and exercises, for no one purpose whatsoever, except that of getting himself into strength, and wind, for running over the world in chase of FIRST EDITIONS? TRUE EDITIONS. We are, here, invited, once more, to admire the " cuiiosa felicitas" in phraseology, by which the Collector has substituted, in the place of the obvious term, its direct oppo- site : the other instance, it will be recol- lected, is thai of Tall Copies. In my mention of these, at the proper place, I added a gentle rebuke to the Collector, * though he is my friend," as if he had been guilty of a slight solecism ; but I now humbly acknow- ledge my own hasty petulance; having since discovered what i have no doubt is the true ground of his having voluntarily fallen into this seeming absurdity : thus : I have re- peatedly noticed the natural desire of the Col- lector, to be distinguished from the more studious, and critical classes of Literature ; BIBL10SOPHIA. 59 and I would here observe, that, in furtherance of that object, he cannot more definitively lay down his line of demarkalion, than by such little inaccuracies in the nomenclature of his own science. But, to return; the igno- rant, by the kindness of Mr. D. are suffered to know, that the TED E Edition, is essentially, and emphatically, the false one; being dis- tinguished (and most greedily coveted on ac- count of that distinction,) by at least one gross error, defect, redundancy, &c. &c. from every inferior Copy of the impression to which it belongs. Some readers, who are sadly given to the vexatious scrupulosity of wondering and objecting all along, at what- ever is not quite familiar to them, will be asking, (as in the case of the Uncut Copies, just now,) for the reasons upon which this plan of conferring titles, without merit, is founded. But, lest the Collector of True Copies, who is here on his own throne, should, again, chuse to give no other reply than " stet, pro ratione, voluntas," the querist may as well quietly grant the rationality of the proceeding, just as he concedes to the mathematician, that a point occupies no 60 B1BLIOSOPHIA. space, and so suffer me, by way of diverting his attention, to conclude this article by laying before him a few of the mortifications which the True (i. e. false) Copy-Hunter, is in constant danger of undergoing. It is, for instance, not easy to imagine the degree of honest indignation to which his feelings must be mounted, when, having paid down the princely price of a copy warranted unbound, he discovers that he has been villainously fobbed off with one which is immaculately perfect in all its parts ! He examines, with eagerness, the numbering of the pages, which he had been faithfully promised that he should find all in confusion ; not a figure out of its most exact, and regular order ! He looks, with the eye of a hawk, for the invaluable blunder, consisting in one word bedevilled by the compositor into two ; post est, for example, instead of potest ; he has been made a fool of! nothing can be more shamefully intelligible, and correct, than the whole sentence is found to be, from beginning to end ! Where is the precious passage inad- vertently slapped offin red-ink NOWHERE ! He flies to the fraudulent vender, in a BIBLIOSOPHIA. Gl paroxysm of just rage, and demands his money, or, at least, some other good-for- nothing Copy, by way of making him a little amends ; but he is cheated and disappointed, to the last ; there was, unhappily, no written engagement, on the part of the Trader, to act honourably, by giving him a volume abomi- nably got up ; and he has nothing left for it but to put off his bargain, at the best advan- tage he can, to some scholar, or critic, whose absurd estimate of the value of an impression, generally happens, very luckily for the ill used Collector, to be of a totally different kind frm his own. The order of my work has, at length, brought me to the last, and (what the last should always be) incalculably the most im- portant, article on the list. The Collector instinctively knows, or rather feels, that I mean nothing less than BLACK LETTER. Why does it befal me, at nay entrance upon a theme which ought to stir up all the vitality within me, to be suddenly paralysed into 62 BIBLIOSOPH1A. torpor? Yet, well may I stumble, at the threshold of a Fane, which I am not yet privileged to enter, but in the humble charac- ter of an Aspirant. The mysteries of this, the Penetrate, the very Sanctum Sanctorum of the Press, it is not for me to handle lightly, if to handle at all. Yet, such amongst its awful rituals as the AxaGaplo* may presume to know, and publish, I will reverently touch, subsiding into the use of language as familiar as the sanctity of the subject will permit. That Collector, then, who has reached the highest seats in the Temple of typographical Glory, is the votary of BLACK.LETTER. Why may I not honour him, as he deserves, by in- venting, in his favour, an appropriate name, and procuring him to be henceforth called an ATRALITERARIAN ? His are the choicest of those joys, and privileges, which reward, or stimulate, his humbler Brethren. Antiquity their general, and most venerated Deity showers all her rarest treasures on his head. The Black-Letter Copy is nearly coeval with the very birth, and being, of the Printer's craft j and if the uncouthly angular configu- BIBL10SOPHIA. 6S ration --the obsoletely stiff, grim, and bloated appearance, of its characters, " give pause '* to the modern reader, so much the happier i'or the Collector, to whom " toque, et tua, solus amares," is the address he would most gladly hear from the reading gentleman, who thus leaves him in that undisturbed possession of his beloved rarities, which gives them all their value. Littleknowsthe .Stohe Collector, in their affairs with books; and to say, that as the latter takes but a bird's-eye view of a whole B1BLIOSOPH1A. 65 field of page, though the former may be so inquisitive as to pore through every furrow, this formidable difficulty turns out to be a bug-bear, as I am a little ashamed of having been at the pains of shewing. But I have too long ventured my foot within these hal- lowed precincts: I make my prostration, and retire. I HAVE now presented the offering of a zea- lous admirer, though a feeble Panegyrist, to the noble Body of Book-Collectors. One other tribute, tending to the still higher ad- vancement of their fame and felicity, remains. May the Idea which fills my imagination but be fostered into prosperous reality, and the self-applauding " vixi! " will never have been more exultingly pronounced, than by him who was inspired to conceive it ! Perfect originality in any project for gene- ral, or particular benefit, it is now, perhaps, too late in the long history of man, to hope with reason. In the great object with which I now teem, I am, in part, forestalled. To the F 66 BIBLIOSOPHIA. active, and enlightened spirit of the present times, we are already indebted for four literary " INSTITUTIONS." I am ready with Propo- sals for a fifth ; an INSTITUTION, for Young BOOK-COLLECTORS, whom, in their combined capacity, I would call THE COL- LECTORIAT. The scite, and dimensions, of the future Edifice, are points which it would be obviously needless to bring into view, until it be seen whether the great object to which they would have reference, shall be encou- raged by the Parlies concerned in it. I, at present, restrict myself to the literary ends of my speculation ; and these are, gene- rally, that there be erected a Seminary, or College, for the instruction of those youths, who were blessed by Nature with the requisite rage for book-collecting, but cursed by fortune with the denial of fit opportunities for vent- ing it. Over this College, I, of course, propose, that well qualified, thorough-bred Collectors, be placed, who should attend at stated hours, for the purpose of giving lectures, theoretical, as well as practical, to the Students. I fur- ther propose, that they be empowered to grant BIBLIOSOPIUA. 6? the two first Degrees, as they are termed at the Universities; those who have thus gra- duated, to bear, as their literary Additions, the letter B. or M. (Bachelor, or Master,) prefixed to one, or more, of the letters, which will be shewn in the forms here following; I will take /'. as an example, and explain, as I proceed : B. L. I'. C. (Bachelor of Large Paper Copies.) B. U. C. (Ditto of Uncut Copies.) B. I. C. (Ditto of Illustrated Copies.) B. U. omitting the C. to prevent confusion with the second instance (Ditto of Unique Copies.) B. V. C. (Ditto of Vellum Copies.) B. F. E. (Ditto of Fint Editions.)!*. T. E. (Ditto of True Editions.) B. B. L. (Ditto of Black Letter.) in which fast faculty, (and in which alone,) the Students to proceed to the degree of Doctor. The Students are here supposed, for the sake of perspicuity, to have followed some one of the above studies, exclusively of the rest : but, as so limited a measure of ambition is not, for a moment, to be really dreaded, I have only to notice, that such as shall have passed honourable examinations in any of the other branches, will be privileged to superadd 08 BIBL1OSOPH1A. the characteristic Letters which belong to them. In further exposition of my plan, I propose, that the Great Room in which the Students are to assemble, be portioned into eight Divi- sions, respectively appropriated to the study of the eight liberal Arts above enumerated, and conveniently furnished with shelves, for the reception of books, and other articles essential to a complete literary, or scientific apparatus, for the use of the several classes of scholars. With respect to the shelves above-men- tioned, they would be amply, and richly stocked by the Professors, with specimens, from their own collections, of all that is "cu- rious," " rare," " precious," " unique," and, generally, inaccessible. Such is my faint outline of a noble, though as yet uncreated, object : such is the bare skeleton, which I trust it is reserved for me to see strutting with the halest flesh, and richest blood. In the painful interval between the conception, and the birth, of such an establishment, let me seem to transport myself, into my edifice, which, at present, alas ! has lilBLIOSOPHIA. 69 nothing more substantial than Fancy for its Founder; nor any richer Benefactors, than hopes, and wishes. Entering among my hopeful scholars, I delight myself with glancing around upon their various employments. My attention is first arrested by the School of Large Paper Copies. The diligence, and ingenuity, here required, must, confessedly, be exerted upon somewhat a confined scale. All that the youth can now, or ever, have to do, is carefully to apply his rule to the length, and breadth, of a Large Copy, and then do the same thing with a small one, repeating these two ope- rations with attention, till his understanding shall have completely mastered the difference between one Exam pie, and the other. The most backward lad, if he use indefatigable diligence, must come at this in time ; and when he shall have succeeded, he will have the proud reflec- tion in his mind, that his master has no other advantage over him than that of possessing a Copy, of the larger of the two sizes. I turn next to the Uncut Copy Division. The Labour here imposed, is or' a still more lenient character. A youth of the common 70 BIBLIOSOPHIA. rate of abilities, and application, will tole- rably soon detect the whole extent of the distinction between one book, of which the leaves are cut, and another, of which the leaves are not cut. The only other mys- tery which he will have to learn, is that of never suffering himself to cut the aforesaid leaves, by which he would evidently nullify the very essence of the volume. Now, allow- ing the difficulties attending these two objects to be ever so formidable, and embarrassing, there will be but the higher glory in sur- mounting it ; and philosophers have long ago decided, that trouble is the market-price of immortality. But the vision, as it is yet no 'more than a vision, is too tantalizing to be pursued ; and so, ardently looking forward to the hour when I may be destined to see the posse converted into an esse, I will leave my imaginary young friends at their studies. Studies may, perhaps, be thought a word requiring some qualifica- tion : there are those who will be ready enough to remind me of its particular refe- rence to the reading Classes of the Learned ; and they may be provoked to add, that, of all BIBL1OSOPHIA. 71 the eight branches into which I have divided these " studies," there are but three, which require even the most learned of my Pro- fessors themselves, to have the slightest know- ledge of the Alphabet; viz. those of" Il- lustrated Copies " " First Editions" and " True Editions." But perhaps I am over- candid in supposing them to allow even thus much ; lest, therefore, they should be dis- posed to deny it, I will prove the affirmative in each of the three instances. For " Illus- trated Copies" it is clear that he who employs himself upon them, must, at least, be able to spell through the volume, (whether he com- prehend, the general drift of the writer, or not,) as well as to take down the names of persons, and places, as they come under his eye ; this being, in truth, the only object, for which he concerns himself to peruse the book. Next, as to " First Editions," the Collector of them could not have collected them at all, (for himself, 1 mean,) without having made so much progress in his reading as to be perfectly sure of those two words, wherever he finds them in a title-page ; just as the poorest Linguist, when he goes into 72 BIBLIOSOPHIA. another country, takes good care to be able to ask for bread, and beer, in the language of that country, as fluently as if he had spoken it from his cradle. And, lastly, with respect to " True Editions" he who selects them, by the strength of his own understanding, must positively be as well able to read, I have not said, as able to read well, as any man alive ; nay, he must actually understand what he reads : how, otherwise, would he know, when he meets them, these true faults, or faulty truths, (or what are they ?) which he is so bent upon finding? Having said thus much in your defence, my fellow-Collectors, if [ am yet intitled so to style you, I will entrust my project to your protection ; exciting you, at the same time, to do what I will call your duty, by a gentle fillip, (which word, I hope, will not be mis- printed Philippic, even though the error should be the means of making this a TRUE EDITION,) before I take my leave. This I have to say. It is not without a painful sense of shame, that I behold our lethargic rivals, with a sudden skip of activity, throwing open the doors of their literary Ware-houses, before BIBLIOSOPHIA. 73 mentioned, to all the monied Ignorance in England; whilst Jl r e the very Harlequins of Literature idly leave our younger bre- thren to fish out their education for them- selves, in the shops, and stalls, which are their only Schools, under the tuition of Shop- boys, Catalogues, and Auctioneers, which are their only Professors! This, Sirs, must go on no longer: let us, too, have our Institution ; and \ve may live to raise an offspring, who shall extend the con- quests of the Collector over so wide a field, as, finally, not to leave the Student a book to study. At least, we may expect to see our Eaglets drive these mid-day Owls from out of their Palaces of Science, back to their native element in those monastic dungeons, their College- Libraries. Thence they ought never to have ventured forth, and there they may again pursue their reading, amidst their fellow owls, and owlish fellows, drowsing, side by side, over their studies, to the dismal clank of the chains, in which they hang their Authors. " My Lords, (and Ladies) I have done." I have accomplished the exalted end of my 74 BIBLIOSOPHIA. ambition, by offering the free, and cordial, however scant, and worthless, tribute of my veneration to ... THE COLLECTOR. In thus designating him by his proper name, I use not the unnecessary prefixes of wise, noble, illustrious; &c. I say, with more dig- nifying plainness, THE COLLECTOR: -such an appellation scorns to twinkle in the jewellery of outward Titles ; just as every Briton feels, that " Lord," before the Name of NELSON, serves but to dilute its glories. THE TWELVE LABOURS OF HERCULES, EXHIBITED IN A RUNNING PARALLEL WITH THOSE OF AN EDITOR. 1 H K various duties, and qualities, of an ac- complished EDITOR, having lately been pre- sented to my mind, on a particular occasion, have ever since continued, I know not how, nor why, to trouble my meditations. This intruding subject, in one of its late visits, very naturally brought in its hand that celebrated passage, respecting the office of an Editor, which occurs in Johnson's Preface to his own Edition of Shakspeare. As the passage in question, considering its extraordinary fulness, is very short, and as I 76 AN EDITOR PITTED persuade myself that even those who best remember it, will thank me for an oppor- tunity of admiring it once more, " see here it is :" " An Editor must have before him all possibilities of meaning, with all possibilities of expression : such must be his comprehen- sion of thought, and such his copiousness of language. Out of many readings possible, he must be able to select that, which best suits with the state, opinions, and mode of language, prevailing in every age, and with his Author's particular cast of thought, and turn of expression : such must be his know- ledge, and such his taste. Conjectural criti- cism demands more than humanity possesses; and he that exercises it with most praise, has frequent need of indulgence." After a long, and close, consideration of the above Oracle, I involuntarily exclaimed " If these averments be as just, and true, as the language that contains them is forcible, and terse, what ?n HERCULEAN task is that of an Editor!" The expression which had thus escaped my lips, in a purely proverbial form., imperceptibly led on my reflections to AGAINST HERCULES. 77 the Hero himself, whose arduous achieve- ments gave it birth. A general retrospect of his Twelve celebrated LABOURS was the con- sequence; and as Johnson's lofty description of the Labours of an Editor, was still floating on my fancy, there next ensued an insensible (though, as yet, but slight, and desultory) comparison between the corporeal, and the intellectual exertions, on which my thoughts were thus simultaneously employed. To the credit of Mind, in this comparison, I found, at every glance, with growing pleasure, and surprize, that the Scholar was running abreast with the //era, all the way ; and that the powerful Writer, whose testimony I have cited, so far from having over-valued the heroism of the editorial character, has passed entirely unnoticed the larger, as well as more eminent and important, portion, of its toilsome glories. No longer satisfied with a general survey of the Parallel, I took the resolution of submitting it to a close scrutiny. The result of this novel species of collation, is now before the Reader to whom I respectfully resign the office of awarding the palm of honourable fatigue. 78 AN EDITOR PITTED LABOUR I. THE Exploit with which our heroic Series commences, was the celebrated drubbing in- flicted on the Nemeean Lion, who had long been behaving extremely ill to every man, woman, and child, whom he chanced to meet with in his rambles. When so unneighbourly a line of conduct could be put up with no longer, Hercules, as usual in all such difficul- ties, was called in to the offender. He instantly obeyed the summons, and, having made him- self master of the case, lost no time in waiting on the King of the woods, for the purpose of representing the improprieties of which he had been guilty ; but, as neither spoke the other's language, the Hero immediately began his remonstrances with an argument universally intelligible, and one which no man, before, or after him, has had the art of urging with such irresistible force the argumentum baculinum. When, after a long, and troublesome tussel, he had sufficiently killed his enemy, (for, so plaguily tough was the hide of the quadruped, that it stood the biped in a whole quiver of AGAINST HERCULES. 79 ! arrows, club-blows without number, and a Cornish hug at parting, before he had done his work entirely to his mind,) he borrowed the skin of the defunct, and wore it as a mili- tary uniform, ever after. PARALLEL. A very formidable outset, against the EDITOR, it must be confessed ! Mats, courage ! the Editor is as little afraid of Hercules, as Hercules was of the Lion ; for lie, too, can boast of having manfully beaten his Lion, in the form of a devouring Critic, or Brother-editor, or both in one, who may happen to want killing; a business which, in imita- tion of his Model, he performs, either with the arrows of teit, the club of argument, or the close hug of ironical panegyric ; nay sometimes, as in the Labour before us, with a happy com- bination of all three. As an example is gene- rally thought to have a pretty effect, I shall barely remind the reader of Hercules Johnson's treatment of Lion Pope, when the latter had incautiously ventured to roar a little too loudly, about the dull duty of an Editor." 80 AN EDITOR PITTED But there is another particular attending this inaugural Labour, which has not yet been mentioned ; and this is, that the remarkably sturdy resistance of the Lion, was, probably, in some measure, owing to his parentage; for it appears, on inspecting his classical pedigree, that he had an hundred headed, Jire-vomiting Monster, for his Papa. The name of this gentleman was Typhon. Now, as to the value of this little genealogical anecdote, for the purposes of my PARALLEL, it would be very strange if, in reading it, we should not find our thoughts insensibly sliding off to a certain OTHER many-headed, fire-breathing animal, considerably posterior in date to this Typhon, and well-known among the moderns by the name of a REVIEW. As ihe former of these Monsters was the natural father of the Lion, the latter is not less obviously the lite- rary parent of that roaring, lacerating savage, the Critic ; and the one child may be as easily supposed to have morally emulated, as the other to hone physically inherited, the intrac- table ferocity of the Sire, AGAINST HERCULES. 81 LABOUR II. DESTROYING THB LERNJEAN HYDRA. Before I enter upon a detailed account of this triumph, obtained by our Hero at the Hydra's expense, 1 may, perhaps, be indulged in expatiating somewhat at large upon a few singular traits in the manners, character, and P8 lh ' numerous individual. We have no Abortion on record, that ever contrived to get itself more frequently into scrapes with the swordsmen of its day, than the above ; and it is, perhaps, to some secret consciousness of this untoward destiny, that we are to attribute the uncommonly large stock of heads, which our provident and cal- culating Pest appears to have laid in, against a rainy day; a stock, which, moreover, it had found a knack of turning to the best possible advantage, by promptly producing two for one, from any given neck, which might have been topped, or pounded ; thus yielding a sudden and clear profit, in this essential article, of cent, per cent, per head, 82 AN EDITOR PITTED upon the very death of every partner in the general firm of mischief!* This formidable singularity in the habits of the Hydra, had, doubtless, a considerable share in occasioning the striking discordance, and perplexity, which prevail in I he accounts of ancient natu- ralists respecting the real complement of heads, by which this thriving non-descript was distinguished, and which fluctuates, in their vague and unsatisfactory accounts, from seven, to an hundred. Yet let us not lose sight of candour, in our zeal for knowledge. ~\Ve have just convinced ourselves, by un- answerable reasons, that in reality, there can have been no determinate complement at all. But, admitting, for a moment, that there was, and, consequently, that our laudable love of accuracy, might have been rewarded with the true number, there are sundry little particulars, in explanation of the above discrepances, * It may, probably, become me in this place, to offer an apology to our Barings, Goldsmids, &c. for having unwarily led them to murmur at the Hydra, which has so cruelly suffered this invaluable secret to perish with it. AGAINST HERCULES. 83 which, on closer reflection, could scarcely fail of occurring to our minds. For what, let me ask, was the thing (or things) to be counted? If we duly attend, first, to the numerosity of the object in question, as an argument by itself; secondly, to the perpetual variations in the returns of killed, wounded, and missing, which necessarily resulted from its ingenious method of breeding extempore recruits (an idea, by the bye, purely its own, though it has since been adopted, without acknowledgment, by Mr. Pitt in his scheme of a supplementary militia) thirdly, to the subtle, and restless mancL'uv rings of so large a party, incessantly transposing themselves, at the respective ca- price of each, into every embarrassing (how- ever otherwise entertaining, and picturesque) variety of groups; fourthly, to the distur- bance given to the attention of our observers by the ungracious, and unamiable (not to say forbidding) turn of feature, and expression, which probably prevailed, without a single exception, through all the countenances of this hard-favoured family <" facics non omnibus una, Nee diTcrsa umen, quales dccet csse Sororum ; " 84 AN EDITOR PITTED fifthly, to the difficulty of clearly distinguish- ing objects through the dubious atmosphere of smoke and fire, of which (with an added proportion of venom) their breath was com- posed ; and, u although the last, not least " to the momentarily increasing probability that the Object of the calculation, either in an animated start of pique at the over-curious familiarity of its Tellers, or in compliance with an incentive still less sentimental in its pro- posed indulgences, would suddenly, and finally, close the account, by .... gorging the accom plants; after dispassionately weighing all these considerations, I say, we cannot we, surely, cannot, but allow, that, from the first dawn of arithmetic, down to the present moment, there never existed an operation to be performed by the rule of addition, in which the totals were so hard to be reconciled, or where a fairer claim might be put in to the commonly allowed salvo of " errors excepted." Having, thus far, confined myself to the securities with which the Hydra had so libe- rally, and so discreetly, provided its person, I have now to mention a draw-back upon these privileges, of which Hercules found AGAINST HERCULES. 85 means to avail himself, to its disadvantage. It comes down to us, that the jugular stumps which knew how to make so good a market of decapitation, had not been equally circum- spect in insuring themselves against^/ire. Let us now attend our Hero to the field, and see in what manner he acquitted himself, in a species of service, which lie had never before had an opportunity of seeing At the opening of his interview with the Hydra, he observed, as well as the very adverse circum- stances of the case would permit, the shifting positions, and complicated evolutions, of his compound adversary ; when, finding himself no match for the Monster in tactics, (where even two heads, they say, are better than one,) he resolved to make what shift he could with strength, and courage managing, also, by the great variety of his weapons, to put himself, in some sort, on an equality with his more versatile foe. Thus prepared, and not yet aware of the disadvantages of success, as I have stated them, the human Combatant at once uplifted his noted two handed bludgeon, and lustily laid about him among the enemy, in his old way, 8O AN EDITOR PITTED and as far as relates to execution with his old success ; but we may easily imagine his as- tonishment, and vexation, as soon as he came to perceive the reviving, nay propagating, in- fluence of his death-blows. Not being of a temper, however, to be disconcerted by trifles, and fully sensible that " faint heart," could never be expected to " win " so " fair a lady," he merely changed his mode of pressing her, and resorted, with better hopes, to the other means of persuasion which he had still in re- serve ; till, finding that her ferocious coyness did but increase with every fresh accost, and wearied out, at last, by his disheartening victories, whether by the force of native sagacity, or by the seasonable exercise of his memory, he suddenly fell upon the searing process to which I have already alluded. At this juncture, his friend lolas very sea- sonably comes in the way, and to him he deputes the office of burning away the proud flesh, when he should, himself, have removed the heads which he had found so obtrusive. lolas, patly lighting, at the moment, on a pretty bit of iron for his purpose, lost no time in warming it up to a most intemperate degree AGAINST HERCULES. 87 of the thermometer, and then carefully apply- ing the actual cautery to the proper places, as fast as the Hero had properly prepared the way for it, by amputation. The above severe operation on the patient, had its curiously customary effect, of immediately relieving the Surgeon who thus critically stunted, (or caused to be stunted,) at every touch, the growth of those quickening twins, whose up- start elder brothers he had before so per- versely, and unaccountably fathered. The rapid increase of miscarriages thus brought on upon Madam, at once inclined the victory to the Man's side; and his plural .Antagonist, irresistibly assailed in her head- quarters, and giving up the battle, and the ghost, at the same instant, very quietly slept with her fathers, or with whatever principle (or no principle) she had to thank for her existence. In conclusion, the Conqueror, acting in the true spirit of that martial maxim " fas est el ab hoste doceri," and not disdaining to take a hint from a Hydra, when he found it worth adopting, very laudably emulated his late opponent in the useful virtue of fore-cast; 88 AN EDITOR PITTED ingeniously contriving to make one triumph the foundation of others, by transferring to the points of his arrows the convenient venom of its late proprietor, whose occasion for it was now over. PARALLEL. The Editor again marches, " passibus aequis," by the side of the Hero. The swarm by which he is threatened, are the innumerable ERRORS that spring out of the body of a single volume, and thence attack him from every side. His weapon is the goose- quill with which he assails them. His enemies, are also endued with that self-multiplying power which gave Hercules so much trouble. When he has decapitated a single Error, with a back" stroke, (" transverse calamo,") he is assaulted by two, which have sprung out of it in the proof- sheet ; and when each of these, as he flatters himself, are again destroyed, and sent to the " Devil, " they return upon him, multiplied into four, in the revise. But his motto is " Tu ne cede mails, sed contra audentior ito : " like his great corrival, he now resorts to the AGAINST HERCULES. 89 infallibility of the caustic a cancel. One " hallucination" after another, perishes under this exterminating process, till not a "serpent ERROR," "shews its ugly head." Finally, the Editor is ready to carry me triumphantly through the remaining part of my PARALLEL, by dipping his literary arrows in the venom with which l\\e provocations of his late enemies have supplied him, and succesfully employing it against his other foes. LABOUR III. IN this Labour, it was the discouraging busi- ness of Hercules, to catch, and bring into the presence of Eurystheus, the STAG OF CENos, which had long been renowned for throwing out the whole Held of his pursuers, by the provoking quickness of his motions. Now, although the bulk and bone of the Hero, had stood him in great stead, when he had to do with the Lion, and the Hydra, they were evidently much in his way upon the present occasion : " ipsa sibi officit copia." In this unequal contest of speed, therefore, our 90 AN EDITOR PITTED Human Hound had to make up in wit, what he wanted in foot, and in nose ; and the more so as he was required by the express stipulation of Eurystheus, to produce the animal " alive, and unhurt." This latter condition of the pursuit is sufficient to stultify the story which represents him to have gra- dually won upon the Stag, by slightly wounding him at a distance; while it per- fectly agrees with the more general account of the matter ; viz. that, being prohibited from the use of weapons, he saved his heels by decoying the chace into a trap; though, even with the help of this contrivance, we find him in full cry after the horned fugitive, during a hard and continued run, of not less than a whole year. When he had bagged his deer at last, something was still to happen between " the cup" of victory, and " the lip" of triumph ; for Diana, in her twofold rela- tion to the Stag, first as its particular friend and patroness, next as Lady of the Manor, and, herself, a keen sports-woman, was ex- tremely nettled at the trick by which her four-footed protege had been over-reached, scolded Hercules soundly for his trespass, AGAINST HERCULES. Ql as well as for breaking through the rules of fair hunting, boldly snatched her favorite out of the hands of our heroic Poacher, and then, as the Goddess of game, afforded sanctuary to her Venison. Hercules, who was not less renowned for softness to Ladies, than for roughness to Gen- tlemen, and who is well known to have been as ready to sit down to spinning with the for- mer, as to stand up to fighting with the latter, made his apologies in so insinuating a manner, and so effectually appeased the rural Virago, that, in token of her full forgiveness, she left him in undisputed possession of the Stag. PARALLEL. The qualities of skill, and per- severance, were not more signally displayed by the Hero, as above, than they are by the Editor, as below. The slippery animal which he has undertaken to hunt through the Jields of literature, and which is incessantly Jiying before him, is the MEANING of his Author, which, too often, keeps him dancing after it for a whole year together ; fortunate, if he 92 AN EDITOR PITTED have produced it, as he, too, is required to do, ALIVE, and UNHURT, before the eyes of his employers, at last. Under the severe diffi- culties of this obligation, finding himself unable to run dozen this subtle fugitive, by na- tive strength, and quickness, he is reduced, like Hercules, to have recourse to a trap; and this trap is composed of the learned sagacity, and enlightened research, with which he decoys the runaway signification into his possession, when he triumphantly exhibits it, neither wounded, nor lamed, nor distorted, nor in any way injured, or altered, by the violence of forced construction, during his long and ar- duous pursuit. As he is exultingly marching off', in triumph, with the prize he had so hardly won, another claimant, in the person of a rival Editor, shall indignantly come up, and snatch it from his grasp, with a severe rebuke to him for having presumed to follow a passage, upon his literary premises a passage, too, which was previously sacred to himself, as the trne Expositor. Yet our Editor, if he have the fortune, as he has the skill, of Hercules, needs not, even yet, despair. The Reclaimant, indeed, refuses to AGAINST HERCULES. 93 resemble Diana, by resigning his title to the prize; but the justice, and discernment, of the Public, may eventually destroy that tille, and award the tcut to him who had really seized the object of pursuit. LABOURS IV. VI. VII. VIII. AND X. THESE several Labours, as their objects were so nearly of the same kind, 1 shall class, and dispose of, under one head. They consisted, in the order above observed, in destroying, or capturing, the Erymaitthean Hoar the Wild Bull of Crete the carnivorous Birds ofStym- pfia/is the anthropophagous Mares of Dio- medes and the Monster Geryon. The above parties were all very great plagues in their way ; and, in whatever they may have dissented, were unanimous in set- ting their faces against Man. Hercules, though a bit of a God, had, as we have seen, a strong fellow-feeling for mortals, in the worst half of his nature; and, in the cases before us, was indulged with ample opportunities of employing his usual summary methods of Deform. 94 AN EDITOR PITTED I. The Boar, like our late acquaintance, the Stag, was to be taken, and brought before Eurystheus, alive, though we may not im- mediately perceive the ground of this tender consideration for his feelings, and shall pre- sently have occasion to view it with even increased surprize. As for Hercules, he seems to have never troubled himself about his master's motives, but always went quietly to his work, like an honest servant as he was. He accoidingly followed his Boar, without farther inquiry, and overtook him with the less difficulty .... first, through the fortunate shortness of the animal's legs, secondly, by favour of a deep snow, (which, perplex- ing as it was to the feet even of the rational runner, was four to two against the other,) and thirdly, because the Brute, when his strength failed him, could hit upon no better plan of concealment, than that of running his head into the snow, under an idea that, although it had refused him footing, it might grant him cover. Hercules, however, presently convinced him of his error ; and, as resistance seems never to have occurred to him, he was, according to order, introduced, " leaping AGAINST HERCULES. 95 alive," into the presence of Curystheus, that unmerciful, and tyrannical Task-master, whom Hercules had to thank for setting him at work, through the whole of these tiresome undertakings. Eurvstheus, however, seems to have been more courageous ia imposing tre- mendous tasks, than in witnessing the proofs of their accomplishment; for the unexpected entrance of the tusky forester instantaneously frightened him into a tub, that stood handy for the purpose, in which tub, he uninter- ruptedly passed his time, with a general order of '* not at home to any body," for many following days. II. A wild Bull, the subject of the ensuing Labour, is so like a wild Hoar, the subject of the last, that we have the less reason to complain of the conciseness with which we are just told that he was taken, according to order, and brought (alive, again,) into Peloponnesus. III. As for the Birds of Stymphalis. whose taste for man's flesh drew upon them the attention of Hercules, we simply learn that, having sprung this precious Covey of Canni- bals, lie found means to bring them ail down ; H 96 AN EDITOR PITTED bat we hare no account of his particular method of sporting. IV. Oar Hero was next summoned to the wiidM ares ofDiomedes, who had given general offence by indulging the same depraved appe- tite, with which be had before quarrelled in the Birds of Stymphalis. On arriving among them, he soon made them wish that they had contented themselves with common horse- meat, but not before he had treated them, once more, with their favorite dish, by serving up their Master, who had thought proper to encourage their fancy for it ; but before they could have time to digest him, they were, themselves, presented, as a dinner, to another party of wild beasts, who were as fond of Mare, as they had been of Man. V. The last of the five Labours, which I have thus consolidated, was the destruction of Ger- yon, who was not the less a Monster, for being a King : to the former of these cha- racters, few men have been able to shew a better title ; for, beside choosing to have three heads to contrive with, and as many bodies to execute their orders, beside, loo, that he kept a dog, with bat one head fewer than his AGAINST HEBCULES. 97 master, we are assured that this confounded King actually pastured his sheep (whose pre- judices against their new bite must have been peculiarly difficult to get over) upon us ! In a case of this most aggravated nature, it was thought high time for Hercules to in- terfere, and he never less required a spur. His triple-crowned Majesty, was, with very few formalities, deposed, and thrown on the same dunghill with his dog Janus, as he was (or might have been) called. As for the poor, misguided flocks, so equitable an Hero knew how to distinguish be tween choice and compulsion ; and accord- ingly, he not only forgave them their involun- tary sins of the palate, but kindly restored to them the Jong-forgotten comforts of a vege- table diet, in his own meadows at Tirynthus. PARALLEL. " PAULO MAJORA CANEMLS.' The Editor, as ranked with Hercules, in the five preceding Labours, is to be regarded as the Enemy, and Avenger, of the anti-social Passioos, under their two main divisions 98 AN EDITOR PITTED those of open, brutal. Fury ; and deadly, poi* sonoits malice. In the execution of his office, he is, accordingly, to level his severity, either, in the former case, against the exasperated Critic, who has suffered himself, with what- ever alleged provocation, to foam into sangui- nary satire against his Author, or, in the latter, against the unhumanized, and more ran- corous enemy of that Author, (and of the Good, in general,) if he shall have execrably fastened upon his honest, envied, fame. Such are the two distinct species of rational Monsters, which our Hercules, work- ing after his great Pattern, has enterprized to hunt down. For the opposite rules, and measures, by which he is to govern himself in the pursuit of his double object, let us study the corresponding particulars of our Story. We have there seen, that, in the ripened hour of avengement, the Hero could teach his anger discrimination. If, among the vic- tims of his noble rage, even the goring Boar, or the tossing Bull, were found to stand within the possibility of being tamed, by forcible res- traint, he could seize, without destroying them, in the very storm oi hisassault : but, for the AGAINST HERCULES. 99 Birds of Stymphalis the mares of Diomedes the Monster Geryon those fiercer, direr Sa- vages, zcho had left their mild, and harmless instincts, that they might be bloody, out of course, his blow was sudden, mortal, and unsparing. Imitating this procedure in both its parts, nnr moral Hercules, teho rises against ferocity in Man, proportions the weight of his inflic- tions, to the quantity of the offence : if he perceive that, by the coercion of severe rebuke, the keenly BITING SATIRIST, may be securely held from future mischief, he can temperately forbear the stroke that would have laid his victim in the death of disgrace : this lawless Desperado of the pen, may, generously, be saved alive : but, for the literary Miscreant, who springs from the hold of the Charities, into the arms of the Furies, for the Christian Cannibal, whose soul, with strange, and horrid longings, turns, disgusted, from the kindly nutriment O/'NATUBE, that human re- putation, may he his forbidden feast, for HIM, there are to be no reserves of lenity no faltcrings of compassion ; for, where Abomina- tions come to punishment, correctives are 100 AN EDITOR PITTED utterly out of hope : let infamy like this, be told with a trumpet, that Man may have his warning, whilst a Monster is abroad. But, there is more. Justice wants her sacrifice; Virtue craves her Example ; Innocence lies bleeding without help : it is enough : where the, calls for unmitigated rigour are thus col- lected into one clamorous cry, to stint the torture, were to patronise the outrage ; and so, .... that Mercy may not darken into Cruelty, death, for death, must be the law. LABOUR V. I AM a little ashamed to find myself now re- quired, by the severity of my duty as an Historian, to exhibit my Hero in a character, of which the disgrace is, at first view, rather more conspicuous than the glory that of a Stable-boy, But not too fast! it will pre- sently be seen, that, like Virgil, as commended by Dryden, he could " toss about his dung with an air of dignity." The Augean Stables were not for every common groom to take in hand. In the first place, they were the stables AGAINST HERCULES. 101 of a Monarch the " King's Mews," as it were, of antiquity ; and in the second place, if any modern Leicestershire Nobleman, who may be disposed to look contemptuously on my friend Hercules on this occasion, will have the goodnets to be (as Augeas had been) so very inattentive to his out-houses, as to sullcr thousands upon thousands of unclean beasts to continue in their stalls for nearly half a century together, without the smallest obligation to the spade, the broom, or the pail, for the removal of their discomforts, during the whole of that vast period, he may pro- bably be of opinion, at the end of it, that, should his Majesty's Master of the Horse undertake to help him, by being his .... Helper, it would scarcely, if at all, detract from the greatness of his rank, or office. But, to my Labour. After a grave, and comprehensive survey of the whole extent of the evil, (which was such as to lend the most powerful confirmation to Mr. Burke's theory of the Sublime, where he partially derives it from a sudden temptation to wrinkle up one's nose,) Hercules embraced, with the mind of a Philosopher, as well as of 102 AN EDITOR PITTED a Hero, the necessity of proportioning his power to his work. Laughing at such puny subsidies of water, as could be raised from springs, and wells, our illustrious Scavenger at once boldly, and bodily, wrested from its course a noble River, a* an Agent alone com- mensurate with the portentous magnitude of the distress. Having brought his River, with all its tributary streams, under -his grasp, he sent it thundering before him, at full tide, in a driving torrent of purification, through every quarter, and recess, of this grand Me- tropolis of Nastiness. Although the unparalleled difficulty of effectuating this mighty mundification, ren- dered it almost worthy of the hand that was employed in it, we are left to suppose that the Hero was not insensible to the " sublimity" of its annoyances ; for, on this only occasion, did he stipulate for the hire of his Labour. The reward he demanded was perfectly appro- priate to the nature of the service, viz. a tythe of the beasts, whom he had re-instated in the comforts of a clean house. Augeas, however, whose mind was evidently as foul as his stalls, and who seems to have had more AGAINST HERCULES. 103 satisfaction in contemplating the work, than in recompensing the workman, not only flatly refused the promised perquisite, but actually banished the Heir Apparent of his Kingdom, in (he person ot his own son, for having dis- respecUully urged him, on this occasion, to practise so expensive a virtue as honesty. Hercules, whose talent for redressing the grievances of 4 hers we have so often admired, was not likely to be an idle spectator of his own wrongs. As soon as he had " washed his hands" of an employment which so press! ngly called for that operation, he took up his own cudgels, (we pretty well know of what sort they were,) and would, probably, have suc- ceeded in beatings right sense of the business into his Majesty's head, if he had not, at the same time, unguardedly beaten out the brains which were necessary to the comprehension of his arguments. As for the young Prince, whose pleas for justice had been as ill rewarded as the journey- work of his client, his troubles were of very short duration. Our Hero, having begun his dirty work by emptying a Stable for the Father, and finished it by clearing out a 104 AN EDITOR PITTED Throne for the Son, immediately beckoned the latter from his short banishment, leaving the good people of Elis to thank him for a much better King than he had taken from them. PARALLEL. It will be entirely the fault and the very grievous fault of our Editor, if having taken a tainted Author under his care, he rival not his strenuous predecessor in the great, and necessary Labour of purgation. His STABLES are too frequently found to be polluted with impurities, far more various in their names, as well as pernicious in their natures, than those which Hercules was called to wash away ; impurities, accumu- lated, not by goats, and oxen, only, (which are exclusively named in the Herculean Labour,) hut by wolves, bears, foxes, apes, hogs, asses, and every other bestial representative .of the vices, and follies, of man. He is to pour his river of reformation through every contami- nated stall, and stye ; and, where he may not consider himself as authorized, like his Coun- AGAINST HERCULES. 105 terpart, lo remove the nuisance altogether, it is, at least, his urgent duty to warn the unwary foot against the foulness of the place. In this arduous enterprise, he, like Hercules, may chance to he employed hy a Kiwg; hut, lest he should be discouraged by an ap- prehension that he may too nearly resemble the Hero by labouring for a thankless King, he shall be reminded that there is a Monarch, who is so far from being capable of witholding from his servants the well-earned reward of a distasteful labour, that he places half his glory in assisting at the work of moral puri- fication with his own royal hands ; and desires not to rest from it, till he shall have defecated all the seats of corruption, to their remotest corners. He, too has a Son : but, again, my Parallel nobly fails me in its conclusion; for never shall it be the task of any modern Her" cules, to visit on the head of his, and England's Father, the crime of having sent his son lo ba- nishment, for moving him to be just. 106 AN EDITOR PITTED LABOUR IX. IT is, already, once more, my painful task to shew my Hero at a disadvantage, if I should not rather say, under actual shame. His gal- lantry, in both senses of that word, is in no less danger of degradation in the present Labour, than was his dignity in the last. Though we should incline to connive at his having raised his arm against a Woman, and a Queen, inasmuch as this royal Lady was an Amazon, in what manner are we to cover his conduct, in having terminated his conquest over her, by stripping her of her girdle ? Would that I could plead in bar against his sentence, that he snatched it away in sportive fondness, vowing that he would for ever wear it at his throbbing heart, and thus class it with many an other such flattering robbery, committed by the modern inamorato at a ball, or during the delicious moment of mutual confessions,- -Alas ! it will not do : the sturdy caitiff seized it like a plunderer as he was, and, like a slave, as he also was, laid it at the feet of his rigorous Master. Well ! I have, AGAINST HERCULES. 107 at least, the consolation of knowing that I shall be believed in my several reports of his extraordinary merits on other occasions, in reward of the inflexible veracity with which I have thus painfully recorded his treatment of Hippoly te, Queen of the Amazons. PARALLEL. Editor, take warning! draw your goose-quill upon the men, and welcome ; nor need you ever wipe the poison out of your pen, for want of victims to your noble rage : but, for your life, I mean for the life of your reputation, let THE LADIES alone! -'' nullum mcmorabile nomen Fceminea in poena est, nee ha bet victoria laudem." Rudest of Editors, Johnson! grim as, questionless, thy Shade must be, and rugged as, certainly, thy substance was, where was the softening, humanizing memory of Molly Aston, when u. . couldst lift thy ponderous club agaitist that must ieminine Queen of literary Amazons, Mrs. Montague, who feared not to meet thee on the critical (if not the 108 AM EDITOR PITTED editorial) field of Shakspeare ? " audetqm viris concurrere virgo" So furious was thy blow, that " with the wind and whiff of that fell" club, it took away the breath of another Amazonian Princess, though distant far from the scene of thy terrific onset ; till at length this gentle Championess thy friend thy " Thralia dulcis" (yes, 'twas she herself,) regained enough of this suspended breath, to vpw her innocence of the cruel charge which brought her to the ground.* To return, for a moment, to the former, and most rudely injured, of these literary Heroines, I can only say, let Boswell (Tour to the * On the last leaf of her Anecdotes of Dr. John- son, this fair Amazon publisheth a " Post-script," of the following tenor : " Since the foregoing went to the press, having seen a passage in Mr. Boswell's Tour to the Hebrides, in which it is said that I could not get through Mrs. Montague's Essay on Shakspeare, I do not delay a moment to declare that, on the contrary, I have always commended it myself, and heard it commended by every one else ; and few things would give me more concern, than to be thought incapable of tasting, or unwil- ling to testify my opinion of its excellence." AGAINST HERCULES. 109 Hebrides. page 247. 3d Edit.) perform in my stead the hardy task of narrating the cruel story a task from which my fingers drop, in powerless trepidation. Reader, who posses- ses! not the volume to which I have referred thee, yet possesses! legs, and leisure, and curiosity, walk into St. Paul's Church, advance toward the marble image, of the marble man, whose Ghost I have indignantly arraigned, and if thou canst behold, with stedfast eye, the scowling Hercules before thee, offer thine acknowledgments to the artist who hath made thee independent of the volume aforesaid, by chisseling out the mind, that conceived the sentiment, that dictated the language, that thundered at the head, that prompted the pen, that dared to write, " An Essay on the Writings, and Genius of Shak- speare." In the remaining, and least glorious, part of this unmanly Labour, I have the pride of an Englishman, in saying, that the Hercu/et of Bolt Court rises infinitely above his Rival, of the club. For, whatever prying gossips may have chosen to say, or think, of his in- clination to take away the girdle of one of our 110 AN EDITOR PITTED Amazons, I am eager to proclaim that he is most honourably innocent of that offence although, by giving this testimony, I am com- pelled to sacrifice that universal, and minute coincidence of circumstance, which some may consider as essential to a Parallel. LABOUR XI. Procuring the golden Apples of the Ilesperides. But hold ! this is not an affair to be hastily slurred over in a syllabus, or insinuated by hints, and inuendos. The whole transac- tion has so little in it of the stale familiarity, or mawkish flatness, of common-life occur- rences, that it will well reward the labour of pursuing it through all its particularities of detail. And 1 beg leave to assure my Readers, upon the honour of a Writer, that although I may relate things in my own language, and perhaps with a little of my own colouring, the great, and prominent facts, shall, here, as in every preceding instance, be truly, and faithfully reported, as they stand on the venerable authority of the Ancients. AGAINST HERCULES. Ill We are instructed, then, that Juno, on her marriage day, had presented her thundering Bride-groom with an Apple-tree, of which the fruit was distinguished from every common species of eating apple, by being entirely of gold. Jupiter appears to have very wisely considered, that a tree which made such ample amends to his pocket, for the trick it played upon his palate, was well worth guarding. It was, accordingly, entrusted, en chef, to the Hesperian Nymphs, (or " Ladies of the Hesperides," as Milton gallantly styles them,) and, en second, to the more efficient custody of a sleepless dragon, remarkable for the crabbedness of his disposition. Our sinewy Labour-monger was ordered by that hardest of all Masters, Eurystheus, to go and fetch him a sample or two of the metallic wind-falls in question. He obeyed, with his usual submission ; but, whether from a sen- timent of delicacy towards the dragon, which was very unusual with him in such cases , or (which is more probable) from feeling himself nearly knocked up by one set-to after another with Stables, Boars, Amazons, Hydras, three- headed Potentates, and other people of that 112 AN EDITOR PITTED stamp, he seems, for once, to have been all for peace and quiet, in his way of doing busi- ness. In this temper, he arrived at that remarkable orchard which produced the very choice fruit he came in search of; when, instead of boldly dashing up to the tree, in his manner, and perhaps making a spring into the midst of it from the back of the horrible dragon that watched it, he tranquilly looked round for Atlas, to whom he had obtained a letter of recommendation, and who seems to have been a sort of fellow- centinel with the dragon, over the branches though, appa- rently, not altogether so free and disengaged for the more alert services of his occupation, as might be desired ; for he was discovered crouching (well he might !) under the uncon- scionable burthen, celestial, and terrestrial, which it was his well-known office to stand under. Hercules immediately requested him to try his interest as an uncle (for such he was) with the Hesperian Damsels, and procure for him, if possible, a few out of the next gathe- ring of these extraordinary apples. Honest Atlas complies at the first word ; and, at once to lighten himself for running, and to shewr AGAINST HERCULES. 113 his great alacrity in obliging his new friend, without more ado, very good-humouredly tumbles the whole weight of Heaven and Earth upon poor Hercules'* shoulders, simply desiring his astonished, and unfortu- nate substitute, to holdfast till his return, and so scampers away to his neices, with a basket in his hand. Mighty pretty stuff, this, one should really have thought, for working up a good, round Labour, by itself! At all events, here was, surely, a business not much less onerous than that of filching a woman' '$ girdle, which we have lately seen enrolled among the achievements of the Hero. At the very least, one might have expected to find a word or two, en passant, in the way of remark, an admiration-point extraordinary, or, somehow, a sort of written stare, at this mar- vellous part of the historical page: But, no nothing like it! it looks as if, in those hardy times, a. pack, of this nature, was con- sidered as something quite of course; for the accounts pass it all over in the quietest way that can be, just as if it had been an every- day story of any other Porter, who might have asked an idle stander-by to hold hit 114 AN EDITOR PITTED parcel for him, while he, too, stepped across the way, for a pen'north of apples, to his apple-woman ! Hercules himself, however, with all his general indifference about trouble, does not seem to have looked at the thing with exactly the same degree of nonchalance, with which his biographers have since related it: it should appear, on the contrary, that, in no very long time, he had had pretty nearly enough of wearing the Universe about his neck like a horse-collar,- for we find that, as soon as ever Atlas came back with his apples, his involuntary Locum-tenens very humbly intreated, (and really one cannot help saying that, all things considered, the request was not an extremely encroaching, or unreason- able one,) he intreated nothing more at all than that his abrupt employer would have the goodness to lend a hand, and relieve him from the uncomfortable chafing and pressure which he felt on the nape of his neck, by just easing off the solar system for a moment, while he ferreted about for something nice and soft, to slip, by way of pledget, between the said system, and the sore place it had made ! Atlas, who if not squeamishly punctilious AGAINST HERCDLES. 115 as lo the outward forms of etiquette, seems, however, to have been a man of a very supple and accommodating cast, immediately acqui- esced in the very modest petition of his over- loaden Deputy. The moderation of Hercules has, thus far, been truly exemplary, and sur- prizing : at this point of the story, however, his natural independence of spirit, which appears to have been hitherto crushed down, together with his head, suddenly rises to its ordinary pitch ; for no sooner has Alias " fitted the saddle upon the right horse," by taking all his worlds back again, than the other quietly leaves him to the uncontesled honours of his weighty office, and marches off in tri- umph with the golden pippins. The trick by which he so neatly contrived to get rid of the Spheres, cannot, perhaps, be de- nied to sit rather ungracefully upon an Hero of the very first class : but, as Hercules has always been a prime favorite of mine, I will crave permission to offer a few pleas in his behalf. With deference, then, it appears to me, that we ought to make as charitable allowances as we can, for his trying circumstances, after 116 AN EDITOR PITTED he had found himself so strangely hitched in this awkward affair. In the first place, there seems good reason for suspecting, that Atlas knew well enough what he was about, when he originally shifted his load ; and in the second, that, from some little regulation about such matters, which does not appear, both Hercules, when he had once so unwit- tingly received the load, and Atlas, when it 4 was afterwards so adroitly returned upon his hands, were, each, under the obligation of keeping his bargain, unless he should have been voluntarily released from it by the other ; for, had not this been the case, it is not easy to believe, that either of them would have had much scruple about throwing down the Goods upon the spot, and so leaving 'em to be picked up by any that might fancy 'em. All this premised, and admitted, there can, surely, be no great room for wonder, if Hercules, who, possibly, may not have con- sidered a handful of apples as a fully adequate douceur for the inconvenience of standing still, with the Creation on his back, to all eternity, nor, moreover, have felt himself much better reconciled to a Post, with so little AGAINST HERCULES. 1)7 of the sinecure about it, by the very uncere- monious manner in which he hud been pro- moted to it, I say, we are not to be greatly surprised, upon the whole, if the Demigod, finding himself made an ass of, in a double sense, and considerably puzzled how to act, in so very new a case, should, for once in his life, have seemed to lose sight of his character as a Gentleman, and determined on punishing the iaipudcnce of this lubberly Planet-Propper, by retaliating his ruse with only a slight improvement upon it, in the article of finesse. And now, let me triumphantly ask, what modern Vandal, who lias attentively perused the above history, will dare, hereafter, to open his lips against the advantages of a classical education ? PARALLEL. The Editor, set at work by some unfeeling EURYSTHEUS of a Bookseller, fol- lows his great, and indefatigable Prototype, in seeking the golden fruit of his Labour ; but, desirous of avoiding the watchful Dragon of Criticism, who would scare him from the tree 118 AN EDITOR PITTED of learning, and probably pull him to pieces, should he venture to approach it, he makes his appeal to the Gentle Hesperides, i.e. the indulgent Public, who are the guardians in chief of the meed of literary enttrprize, and who are ready to accord him the object of his honourable ambition; but, during his diligent prosecution of that object, he has to sustain a heavy load, yea worlds, of malice, and envy, which are cast upon his unsuspicious head; and this, but too often, by those very persons, who insidiously affect to assist him in his pur- suit. But he returns their injuries where they ought properly to rest, upon their own heads, and ultimately, bears away the prize in tri- umph. LABOUR XII. AND LAST. The Labours of Hercules, of the Editor, and of myself, are now drawing to their close, together. The most ticklish of all the under- takings of our Hero, is introduced, with becoming eclat, at the last like a shower of rockets in thejinale of a pyrolechnical exhi- AGAINST HERCULES. 119 bition. It was no joke for a man to descend, in full health, as Hercules was called upon to do, into the infernal regions; nor was there any thing at all more exhilarating in the nature, and conditions, of the errand on which he stepped down viz. of seizing, with his weaponless, and even gloveless, hands of seizing, 1 say, and dragging out of his deep retirement, into broad day light, that most ill-looking, snarling, snappUh, lubberly tyke of a dog, that ever wore three heads, called Cerberus; in every respect, as unpleasant a mongrel as ever was pupped, and good for nothing but to frighten live company from the doors, or, in his softer moments, to be, as no doubt he wns, a pet lap-dog for the Furies; and very lucky it was, by the way, (considering how very miffy those Ladies are said to have been,) that their favourite pug so cleverly prevented all pulling of caps for him, by offering to each of the girls exactly one head a- piece, to be kissed and patted. As for an head or two, more or less, (even to the number of 50, which Hesiod liberally allows him,) I would not be understood to lay too much stress upon a circumstance so 120 AN EDITOR PITTED trifling as this must have appeared in the eyes of one who had been accustomed to deal with this part of the body by wholesale ; but since, on this particular occasion, he was not, as heretofore, provided with proper tools for lopping such animal luxuriances, when he might find them in his way, he could scarcely have helped wishing that one, at least, of these well-armed super- numeraries, had been left out, at the making up of this Devil of a Dog, or Dog of a Devil. Yet, savage to strangers as the cur generally was, we are told that he, (as has been said of a certain other less per feet animal, which comes into the world with but two legs, and one head,) " had his price," and that no very exorbitant one a sop. We know, also, that his taste for music had already tempted him, in one instance, to betray his trust. But, as it was equally out of Hercules' line either to strum or cram him out of his fidelity, it was necessary for him to think of other methods of managing him. Leaving others to draw their topics of persuasion from the fiddle-stick, or the dripping-pan, he fi- nally resolved to depend upon that half-and- half mixture of strength, and stratagem, AOA1NST HERCULES. 121 which had Availed him on some other occa- sions. With this view he petitioned his Majesty of Tartarus, for n short leave of absence to his barking Porter; and obtained it, under an express recognition of the law originally imposed that of dragging him up-stairs, by mere dint of muscle. The permission thus granted, to give it any value, must be sup- posed to have included the administration of a mental sop, as it were, to the feelings of this cantanktroM whelp, during his forced excur- sion from home ; otherwise, he would pio- bably have given Hercules frequent, and pointed reasons for wishing the journey at an end, as he and his uncongenial fellow- traveller were jogging along together. So general a change has taken place in the manners and fashions of the world, since Cerberus's time, that we should not indulge too freely in starts of astonishment at every cir- cumstance which may strike us as a little out of the way, in the annals of that period ; else, it would certainly appear rather odd to us, that that adventure of our hero, which made by much the largest demands upon him for 122 AN EDITOR PITTED what " in the vulgar," is called pluck* should have heen incomparably the most barren of ulterior benefit, either to his employers in particular, or to the world at large. The professed, and single object of the unpro- mising speculation now in hand, was to gra- tify the curiosity of Eurystheus with the sight of a dog who had certainly as few points of beauty to boast of, as most that one sees of his kind ; and, as soon as this passing whim had been indulged, he was to be quietly, (or unquietly,) lugged by the Bearer (who, by the bye, was nothing less than a Demigod,) all the way back to his infernal kennel, in the heart of the earth. Allowing, however, this fancy of Eurjstheus to be of a more rational sort than every one may immediately per. ceive, my readers, 1 fear, will not be able entirely to help wondering at it, when thev recollect in what manner this same Eurys- theus had formerly deported himself on the * This is too hastily said. I ought certainly to have here excepted that least heroic, as well as least useful, of all his labours, first, beating a woman, and then stealing her clothes. AGAINST HERCULES. 123 too abrupt appearance of a far more person- able, as well as orderly, Monster, than that which he had now ordered into his presence. But be this as it may, our Hero, who, as already observed, always did what he was bidden, without making impertinent inquiries, again performed, by command of his Majesty, his old part, that of a Shewer of wild beasts ; differing, however, from Mr. Pidcock (his present chief successor in the character,) in four essential particulars ; first, that he caught his Savage with his own naked hands ; secondly, that those hands were the only cage, in which he afterward confined it; thirdly, that he exhibited it but once, and that gratuitously; and lastly, that having so done, he very honestly carried back the bor- rowed Monster in his arms, from the sea-side, to the vety inland Country from which he had brought it. PARALLEL. It happens very unseasonably, at the conclusion of my task, where I am naturally ambitious of going off in a blaze, 124 AN EDITOR PITTED that 1 suddenly find myself out of an Editor, for the purpose of carrying on my husiness of a Parallelisl to the last. In default of an Editor, therefore, I must make out. as well as I can, with a Critic ; and my Reader will, perhaps, indulgently recollect in my behalf, not merely how close a resemblance the two characters bear to each other, but how fre- quently they are actually identified in the same Being. My Critic, then, shall be the late worthy, and learned, Bishop Douglas, who had the honour of successfully dragging into the open sunshine of exposure, a most mischievous triumvirate, in the persons of Hume, the Atheist, Bower, the Apostate, and Louder, the Liar. So far, good. For what remains, I shall make a short turn in my road, and, after the example of my Masler> Plutarch, " elevate and surprize " the reader, (who has, probably, by this time, had enough of Parallels) with a CONTRAST or two. My first CONTRAST shall be made out by pointing the observation of my reader to the Place from which the earlier Monster was dragged up into day ; leaving him to join me in Lhe silent hope, that, in this particular, a total AGAINST 11EKCULES. 195 prevailed between the two cases. My second CONTRAST consists in this, that, whereas in the ancient labour, the per- mission of Pluto was a pre-requisite to success, in the modern one, our prelatical Hercules would certainly have left his achievement unaccomplished, rather than have addressed a petition in a similar quarter. Having thus dispatched my CONTRASTS, I will make my submission to such readers as may disapprove the change, by gracefully taking my leave, with a concluding PARALLEL. Eurystheus (though occasionally seized with a nervous panic on such occasions,) must be supposed to have viewed with some kind of satisfaction the Monster which he had taken the trouble of commanding Hercules to bring before him ; and which, when the inspection was over, was to be carried back to perpetual darkness and oblivion : on the other side, the Public, for whom our right reverend Labourer undertook his triple task, must, doubtless, have experienced that species of pleasure, with which all men contemplate monstrosities brought to 126 AN EDITOR PITTED, &C. light ; and, wherr the discovery had once been fully made, they must have been equally desi- rous with Burystheus, that such revolting objects might be quickly taken from tlieir sight, into the unhallowed obscurity from which they had been dragged, and, there, be covered up for ever. THE END. London : Printed by W. Bulmer and Co. Cleveland-row, St. James's. 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