OUTSI YE OUTSIDE EOOLS! GLIMPSES INSIDE THE LONDON STOCK EXCHANGE. BY ERASMUS PINTO, BROKER. "The population of Great Britain is thirty millions, mostly fools." THE SAGE OF CHELSEA. " Some men has plenty money and no brains, and some has plenty brains and no money ; surely them as has plenty money and no brains was made for them as has plenty brains and no money." SIR ROGER ORTON. " ' O, cives, cives, quajrenda pocunia primuin est ; Virtus post nummos.' Haec Janus summus ab imo Perdocet, haec recinnnt juvenes dictata, senesque." HORACE. " N6sse haec omnia salus est ad olescentulis." TERENCE. NEW YORK: LOVELL, ADAM, WESSON & COMPANY. 1871 LOVELL PRINTING AND PUBLISHING COMPANY, FBorrau. LAKE CHAMPLAIN PRESS, HOUSES POIXT, N. Y. TO THE READER. Ye " Outside Fools," who haply cast an eye Upon these pages, read them honestly j Let not the Title chafe your noble minds, But let each learn the truth that here he finds. All fools are equal, taken class by class, Each " Outside Fool " may find an Inside Ass. A murrain seize that fool who sneers at all, As though he stood on some high pedestal. Dig out that darling Ego from thy heart, And then thou mayest act a manly part. Let not this book one angry feeling raise j It means no harm no venom it conveys. Nay, he who writes is but as he who reads : The pen tells truth, no better are the deeds. Read, then, my merry blades, with rest of reins, For an ye learn or laugh, 'tis worth my pains. M78596 THE AUTHOR'S DEDICATORY EPISTLE OF HIS BOOK TO THE MOST HONORABLE AND RESPECTABLE CORPORATION OF JOBBERS AND BROKERS OF THE LONDON STOCK EXCHANGE. DEAR BROTHERS OF OUR " INSIDE HOUSE," I dedicate my book to you with all respect. I feel for you. John Bull is rather prone just now to listen to the demagogic howl. He has not quite recovered from that learned legal lion's roar who shook the dewdrops from his bristling mane and made respect- ability shrink back aghast. The nation's nerves are not so strong as they once were. Finance and luxury have worked this ill. I am afraid lest some one of the 11 Outside Fools " should gain the ready ear of old John Bull before he has got over the effects of his last Turkish bath, and make him treat you as you don't deserve. What means this idle talk about commis- sions to inquire how we work inside ? And what the scurrilous abuse of crazy " Outside Fools " who've lost, their money through their ignorance and greed of gain? We jobbers, then, and brokers are much worse than law} r ers, doctors, parsons, bishops, and pawn-brokers, are we ? . So say the " Outside Fools." I always thought man was a gambling animal. At any rate, I -have the names of every class upon my DEDICATION. O books, and holy men's the most. Aha ! It's not the gambling that they hate, it is the loss. Oh, then, I see ! Hinc illae lacrymae. Is this another species of free trade, or what is it ? The parson has to learn to preach, the doctor how to purge and bleed, the lawyer how to cheat, the grocer how to get good butter out of rancid fat, and sugar out of sand, the carpenter must learn to use his tools ; but any dolt may speculate, and, if he lose, abuse in coarse and vulgar terms a set of men who do at all events know what their business is, and, like the cobbler, all stick to their last. If I well know the art of chemistry, and the virtues of the Cocculus Indicus, and by my knowledge under- sell the brewer who puts malt arid hops alone in what he sells, what then ? The man of malt and hops should surely learn the tricks of chemistry; and all you merry toss-pots should more closely study all the properties of beer. Suppose I'm called in to a patient who is suffering from hypochondria 3 and find him some genteel and maybe new disease, although the man's not ill, what then ? Will the blunt Galen who with brutal clownishness says, " Take a ten mile walk, give up your beer," deserve his fee as well as I? He laughs at those by whom he lives. I sympathise with them and under- stand their wants. And if I gratify the wish of "Outside Fools" who think they know more busi- nesses than one, and speculate, am I to blame? What should be done ? Why, this. If " Outside Fools" will speculate, and I feel sure they will until the crack of doom, they ought to learn the use of all our curious tools our pocket-orders, syndicates and rigs, footballs, and puts and calls. 6 DEDICATION. Well, cheer up, " Outside Fools." My brothers of the " Inside Hall " have chosen me to tell you all I know, and as I was a sinner, not a saint, you'll see the shady side of us, and ought then to be satisfied that all the rest are not so bad, I arti empowered to say that all of us allow that some improvement might be made in the minor details of our beautiful system, the elaborate production of many minds through many ages. What of this ? The Church seems in a queer condition now. But just because the Church and Stock Exchange are open to reform, are we to vilify the brokers and the parsons with low, coarse abuse ? We both like dragon sovereigns, who does not ? but holy thoughts prevent the parsons learning quite as much about the coins as we have learned. Our system may be open to improvement, but I really do not see that speculators who will leave their shops to come to ours need pity when they lose. The thing's absurd. No doubt there are black sheep on 'Change, and I am going to show you two or three, but so there are in any profession, trade, or business you can name. What know you of first motives and temptations ? Who made you the judge of men ? My honorable brothers say it is now time to tell the outside world more of their ways, and then it will be seen which class is more to blame. You " Outside Fools " have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. ' It is not we who do the greatest harm. It is the great financiers. I don't myself believe that there is such wide difference between the way men stand against the devil's wiles, and " Charity " allows me to think so ; but if there be, these great financiers, who can resist the wonderful temptations to which DEDICATION. 7 they are exposed, don't prove the Gospel truth, "How hardly shall a rich man enter heaven." It is not well that men should grow too rich by any means ; but when unwieldy sums have been amassed by cleverly-planned juggles, artfully-con- structed bubble-schemes, when thousands of strug- gling honest men, ladies with limited incomes, and countless others who don't speculate and can ill afford to lose a pound, attracted by the dangerous and seduc- tive terms, Investment and Industrial Enterprise, are brought to beggary while these financiers batten on their earnings, something should be done to stay the ill. There loan-mongering and financing tricks have given these men a place which surely they do not deserve a place among the merchant princes of our hind, who have made fortunes fairly by developing the resources of their country, or of other lands, by discovering some novel combination of the raw material, and so finding honest paying work for thousands of their fellow-creatures. Yes, the wealth of these producers does good to others, if not to them- selves, whereas financiers' money is the nation's curse, and, I believe, brings but unhappiness to them. And what's the cure ? More wide-spread know- ledge of the way in which they work. But they buy all the money articles, the only source where infor- mation can be got. Until you know this fact, dear " Outside Fools," you never will be safe. And here again, we have no right to execrate the men. The system is at fault. Suppose you had a family to keep, and knew that if you did not work your own employers' will, some hundreds would be glad to step into your shoes, pray, would you find it easy to resist ? 8 DEDICATION. I call, then, upon you, ye members of that honor- able Fourth Estate, to all combine, and stamp the evil out; if ye combine, the power of capital will fail to poison and pollute those admirable streams from whence our nation draws its daily education, its finan- cial food. And you, ye men of wondrous wealth, spend more in slaying dragons with your means. That ostenta- tions charity, for which so many rich men take their value in another form, does little good to you at least. Nay, rather follow the example of that worthy baronet, just gone to rest, whose family's proud boast should be, that with such opportunities to make he chose to spend, and died beloved by very many friends. Ye have a fearful power to wield. See that ye use it well. And, lastly, you, ye " Outside Fools," give up your querulous complaints of brokers' want of honesty, and jobbers' tricks. Learn how the game is played, or give it up. Give up your greediness and folly, and if you must gamble, have some principle and plan. Don't try to pick the brains of other " Outside Fools " or take their tips, but learn and work like honest men. I am instructed to assure you by my brother brokers that all honorable members of the London Stock Exchange will gladly hail the day when fewer fools shall come to speculate in their insensate way. Dear brother brokers, and you jobbers, I return you thanks for your great kindness in selecting me to speak for you. I promise you I'll do my best, nor will I let class-feelings hinder me from telling truth. I am, dear Brothers, Your most humble and devoted slave, ERASMUS PINTO. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. My Birth and Origin." Sternmata Quid Faciunt? " 17 CHAPTER II. I am offered the Post of Confidential Clerk to the Firm of Seesaw and Turnabout 20 CHAPTER III. I Pass my Examination to the satisfaction of the Firm . . 21 CHAPTER IV. The Game of Hide and Seek between Dr. Bleedall Grabfee and Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw 36 CHAPTER V. Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's Advice to his new Confidential Clerk 41 CHAPTER VI. Mr. Seesaw instructs Erasmus Pinto how to deal with Lady clients 44 CHAPTER VII. Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw warns Erasmus Pinto against Speculating in Unsafe Stocks 48 CHAPTER VIII. Mr. Turnabout's quaint test of a young man's fitness for the office of Confidential Clerk 52 CHAPTER IX. Erasmus Pinto goes to dine with Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw. 54 CHAPTER X. Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's House and Position 67 CHAPTER XI. Clara Seesaw.. 69 10 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XII. Mr. L,evi Gusher, of the " People's Bellowgraphic." 71 CHAPTER XIII. Dinner A Cynic's ideas of Romance, and the remarks of a learned Critic 73 CHAPTER XIV. Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci 77 CHAPTER XV. Across the Walnuts and the Wine 80 CHAPTER XVI. A Bold Stroke tor a Wife 83 CHAPTER XVII. The Honorable Walter Loftus' Tip 87 CHAPTER XVIII. Lunch and a Doctor's Widow's Prescription 91 CHAPTER XIX. Stephen Jobberstock's option turns' up trumps, and the house is checkmated by Dizzy, Derby, and Sidonia. 96 CHAPTER XX. Erasmus Pinto reassures the broken spirits of his Firm. 101 CHAPTER XXI. The Telegraphic Cable of Love. How the Cables of Love worked. " Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque re- curret" 105 CHAPTER XXII. The Telegraphic Messages of Love 112 CHAPTER XXIII. Clara Seesaw's Ideas on Love 114 CHAPTER XXIV. Erasmus Pinto's Remedy for the Great Want of the Age. 118 CHAPTER XXV. The General Matrimonial Alliance Association (Limited) 120 CONTENTS. 11 CHAPTER XXV. (Continued.) An Object of Love selected by the Odic or Magnetic Current 128 CHAPTER XXVI. All About a Fall, a Corinthian, and a Tea-party 137 CHAPTER XXVII. All About a Cook, a Bath, and The Consequences 142 CHAPTER XXVIII. A Discovery 146 CHAPTER XXIX. Qualms of Conscience felt by the late Nathaniel Sees iw, Esq., about his business as a Broker 147 CHAPTER XXX. The late Mr. Nathaniel Seesaw's Posthumous Views on the Causes of Speculation 150 CHAPTER XXXI. On " Bearing " and " Bulling " 157 CHAPTER XXXII. A Doctor's View of the Rights of Property 172 CHAPTER XXXIII. A Broker's Idea of a Gentleman and a Snob 179 CHAPTER XXXIV. The History of Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Ex- M.P. for Rottenboro' 186 CHAPTER XXXV. Dr. Sana Mens' Views of Extraordinary Crimes 189 CHAPTER XXXVI. Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., becomes a Bull of Peru 191 CHAPTER XXXVII. 0. M. Bubchook, Esq., in Account with Messrs. Seesaw and Turnabout .. . 198 12 CONTENTS. CHAPTER XXXVIII. Octavius Marmaduke Bubchook, Esq., becomes a Bear of North British Railway Stock 200 CHAPTER XXXIX. The History of Mr. and Mrs. Silas Snoad, and Dr. Sana Mens' Views on Teetotalers 206 CHAPTER XL. Dr. Sana Mens on the use of the wonderful words M^ev Ayav 208 CHAPTER XLI. Dr. Sana Mens gives further valuable advice how to im- prove the quality of Tea and reduce the price of Meat 210 CHAPTER XLIL How to prevent the Plague and Check the Overgrowth of Population 211 CHAPTER XLIII. The Excellent and Mysterious Investment of Mr. Silas Snoad, and what effect the Want of a Narcotizer had upon a Cabman 213 CHAPTER XLIV. The Discovery of Mr. Silas Snoad's Mysterious Invest- ment 216 CHAPTER XLV. The Wonderful Ships that were to sail across the Land on Wheels 218 CHAPTER XLVI. The Rise in North British continues 219 CHAPTER XL VII. The Mistaken Views of Outside Speculators. Mr. Octa- vius Marmaduke Bubchook closes his Bear 222 CHAPTER XLVIII, The Profits and Losses of 0. M. Bubchook, Esq., and how he sold his Lombard Shares. . 225 CONTENTS. 13 CHAPTER XLIX. The Moral of Mr. Bubchook's History and Death, with Mrs. Bubchook's Curious Remarks 229 CHAPTER L. Dr. Sana Mens' Remarks on Health, Happiness, and Religion 231 CHAPTER LI. The Curious History of a Clerical Guinea Pig 234 CHAPTER LII. Showing How to Catch an Old Man in the Matrimonial Net 238 CHAPTER LIII. The Favorite form in which the Evil One tempts Holy Men to Speculate 242 CHAPTER LIV. Certain Valuable Suggestions offered by Nathaniel Seesaw, Esq., the Representative of the Brokers and Jobbers of the Stock Exchange, to the Bishops and Clergy of Great Britain 245 CHAPTER LV. The Reverend Josiah Fetchem meets with a certain deference from the Rectors and Vicars, which is a sort of paradox 247 CHAPTER LVI. How Josiah Fetchem made an Investment in the cele- brated Emma Mine, with an account of Dr. Sana Mens' Views on the Goodness of Human Nature. . . 249 CHAPTER LVII. A Description of Great Whopplidde-in-the-fen and of the Rector, the Rev. Jedediah Tring 257 CHAPTER LVIII. A Description of Miss Louisa Pantosniffle's Curious Dress, and of Madame Emma La Fargue, with other great Whoppliddians 259 14 CONTENTS. CHAPTER LIX. How the Great Whoppliddians determined that the Rever- end Josiah Fetchem should marry one of the Ladies of their Parish, and how bets were arranged about the Event 263 CHAPTER LX. A Description of Church Music at great Whopplidde-in- the-fen, the Parish Clerk, and the Rector's favorite Theological Works 266 CHAPTER LXI. An account of the Creed held by the Rector of Great Whopplidde-in-the-fen, and his Views on the Title " Reverend " 270 CHAPTER LXII. The Reverend Josiah Fetchem arrives at the Rectory of Great Whopplidde-in-the-fen with Emma on the Brain. The Craving for Mystery a Prime Cause of Speculation. The Success of Quack Medicines. The Danger of the Stock and Share List 271 CHAPTER LXIII. The Man to be Distinguished from the Good he does. Egotism a Foe to Education. Remarks on Socrates. 276 CHAPTER LXIV. How to Angle for an Amatory Fool, and make a Prig- gish Rector your Fast Friend 280 CHAPTER LXV. The Reverend Josiah Fetchem has a very Curious Dream, 281 CHAPTER LXVI. Treating of the Three Odors peculiar to Religious Sects 283 CHAPTER LXVII. Treating of Habits, Secondary Automatism, and the Assertion of Philosophers that " When the Sum of the Conditions of a Case are known the result can be predicted with certainty " 288 CONTENTS. ] 5 CHAPTER LXVIII. A Philosophical Discussion between Nathaniel Seesaw, Reginald Meekin, and Dr, Sana Mens 291 CHAPTER LXIX. Containing Apologies to the Reader and a Veritable History of the Startling Effects of Congenital Auto- matism upon a Dogmatic Bridegroom and a Scien- tific Bride 801 CHAPTER LXX. Treating of the Startling and Never-before-imagined effects of unconscious Cerebration on a Clerical Guinea-Pig 309 CHAPTER LXXI The Rev. Josiah Fetchem returns to the City and finds his Emma Shares declining. Madame Emma La Fargue prepares for her Wedding 318 CHAPTER LXXII. The Bride Elect meets with a Terrible Accident, and a very singular discovery is made 319 CHAPTER LXXIII. Death of Madame Emma La Fargue, and decline of the Emma Mine 322 CHAPTER LXXIV. A Broker's Classification of "Outside Fools," and a Doctor's Opinion of Josiah Fetchem's Mental State. 324 CHAPTER LXXV. The Reverend Josiah Fetchem tries a Change of Pulpit ; and meets with a most curious and distressing Accident 328 CHAPTER LXXVI. Containing a Broker's Apologies to a Learned Critic .... 334 CHAPTER LXXVII. Erasmus Pinto's Advice to Investors and Speculators . . 340 16 CONTENTS. CHAPTER LXXVIII. On the Working of Options 356 CHAPTER LXXIX. English Railway as "Media" for Speculation and Investment 365 CHAPTER LXXX. Why the Great Trunk Lines are preferable as Specula- tive "Media" to the Smaller Ones 369 CHAPTER LXXXI. Cautions to Intending Speculators and Investors in Rail- roads 380 CHAPTER LXXXII. A Brief Account of a Stock that has lately been the Joy and Grief of the Speculator by Machinery and the Ruin of the Speculator without 387 Outside Criticism 407 CHAPTER LXXXIIL The Scale of Commission 427 CHAPTER LXXXIV. Queries 428 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. D < > I " l" i I . : CHAPTEE I. ; MY BIRTH AND ORIGIN. " STEMMATA QUID FACIUNT ? " As I do not write so much for the " great un- washed," the tunicatus popellus, who have nothing to lose, and who therefore can whistle safely in the presence of financial robbers, as I do for those who belong to the upper ten thousand, for the well-to- do professional man, the tradesman with a thriving business, the widow, orphan, or minor, and all those who through somebody's departure from this vale of tears have become possessed of means to invest or speculate with, it seems to me quite necessary to say a few words about my origin. An old Roman said, " Virtue is the sole nobility ; " but you and I, dear, well-to-do "Outside Fools," know what nonsense that old Roman talked. Birth, your reverences, has its weight in financial matters, or why does Lord Claudius Guinea Pig make such a good thing by representing the interests of shareholders in various companies about which malicious detractors would say he knew well, about as much as the prospectus itself and the guineas he receives at board meetings. As, therefore, I have made such a good thing out of 18 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. you outsiders, I tell you this, even if you have not been humbugged by a real live lord, yet you have lost your money to one descended from a king. This should surely be some consolation. We are a Clay- shire family, and can trace our descent in direct line from Edward the Fourth. Cecilia, daughter of that monarch, married Viscount Wells Pinto. Mr. Thomas Pinto, a Clayshire Squire, was a lineal descendant of this Viscoim; Wells Pinto, and my father's mother was'.gr.e^t gnjul-daughter of the Clayshire Pinto. Now,, although my father had the same thin aristo- cratic 'igurn and ^regular features peculiar to the Pintos for generations, he was not such a fool as not to see that money is a first-rate setting to aristocracy, and consequently when he met with a wealthy stock- jobber's widow, who weighed fifteen stone, if she weighed an ounce, and had fifteen thousand guineas, he forgot his splendid pedigree, and went in for her and her guineas. The marriage was a tolerably happy one, as I have often noticed is the case where the contracting parties are apparently almost totally opposite in disposition and appearance. The only issue was your humble servant Erasmus. So tha t, on the paternal side, at least, I escape the stigma of being " not born," as the insolent Prussian aristocrat would say of the worthy people who did not happen to belong to his class. As my mother's money had all been made on 'Change, out of the " Outside Fools," it was decided that as soon as I was old enough I should be apprenticed to Messrs. Seesaw and Turn- about, of Change Alley. I had early shown symp- toms of financial acumen beyond my years, having when only ten procured a penny with a head on both sides, one of a man, the other of a woman, to toss YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 19 with, and being able to boat all my schoolfellows at odd man out. At twelve years of age I understood the mysteries of the Three Card Trick as well as any professional frequenter of race-courses. At fifteen I left school and entered the office in Change Alley, as junior clerk. My duties consisted chiefly in carry- ing telegrams into the House, writing out contracts for clients, and running on any useful errand. But although thus engaged, I kept my eyes and ears well open and acquired more knowledge of human nature in those three years than I should have done in twenty at Messrs. Birchein and Prigge's establish- ment for young gentlemen. During these years of my apprenticeship I saw much that made me think the relations between broker and client both curious and instructive. Whenever a stock intrinsically good was unduly depressed from temporary or exceptional causes, and any of our clients expressed a wish to buy, both See- saw and Turnabout would shake their heals gravely, look wise, and say, " You know we can't advise," or, " No doubt there is merit in the stock, but good people are selling, and we hoar that the dividend will be dis- appointing," and similar plirases, that might mean anything or nothing, but which had quite enough influence to stop a client from operating in what he really knew nothing of, as is the case with nine out of ten speculators. If, however, a fair rise had taken place in the same stock, they were always willing to buy, and never said anything to dissuade their clients from acting. When a client wished to sell a bear of a rotten security, one of the partners would say, " I never know a bear make money outside," or. " The stock ought to fall certainly, but the Baron is in, and 20 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. it is of no use fighting against him." If, however, the same stock had fallen heavily, and a client thought of selling, one of them would say, " I am a wretched speculator myself, but I shouldn't wonder if you are right ; the market don't look very gay just now." Any one of which remarks is sufficient to make a client act, so eagerly do they swallow anything that falls from' a broker's lips. Whenever the markets went very much against those of our clients who did not attend personally, we used to send them telegrams freely without charge, while, unless express orders were given, no telegrams were sent when the markets were going decidedly in their favor. The result of this was that many chances of profit were missed, and many heavy losses were incurred by clients either buying back their bears at the highest, or selling their bulls at the lowest. I noticed also that most clients made a profit in their first account with our firm, especially if they were green hands, or had left other brokers and still retained good balances at their bankers. The infer- ence, dear " Outside Fools," I will leave you to draw. The next chapter will contain an account of an impor- tant event in ray life. CHAPTEE II. I AM OFFERED THE POST OF CONFIDENTIAL CLERK TO THE FIRM OF SEESAW AND TURNABOUT. ONE afternoon, after an unusually busy settling day, Mr. Seesaw called me down into his sanctum, and having carefully shut the door, he thus began : YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 21 " Both Turnabout and myself have long seen, Pinto, that you are a youth of more than ordinary discre- tion and perception, and, unless we mistake your character, you look upon wealth as the great desider- atum." I bowed, for Seesaw certainly expressed my senti- ments exactly. The only part of Horace that I could remember at school was this, "Get money by right means if you can, if not, by any means you can." " As our present clerk, Jabez Suavity, has been compelled to resign through ill health at this busy season of the year, although you are young, we are ready to appoint you to the vacant berth, provided you can pass the preliminary examination to which both mj-self and Turnabout have always subjected our confidential clerks ; and as I have no doubt that your father would not object to paying the one surety that may be paid, we would find the other at the proper time, and so you could be made a member. You may go now," said he, " and mind you are here to-morrow morning before ten o'clock, to be thorough- ly catechized about the duties and difficulties of a broker." I bowed and withdrew. CHAPTEK III. I PASS MY EXAMINATION TO THE SATISFACTION OF THE FIRM. THE next morning I entered the partners' sanctum precisely at a quarter to ten o'clock, and found them both there expecting me. After the usual saluta- 22 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. tions, Seesaw proceeded to put the questions to me, while Turnabout sat, pen in hand, ready to copy down my answers. Both questions and answers might be perused with advantage by a commission appointed to inquire into the duties and privileges of brokers and jobbers. I will give them in the order in which they came. Are the interests of brokers and clients identical ? Only in theory. Why so ? Because, if clients gener- ally made money the House must lose it, and conse- quently both brokers and jobbers would be ruined. How, then, is this prevented ? By concerted action on the part of both jobbers and brokers, just as in the cattle and coal market the middlemen and dealers combine to prevent the consumer from buying direct- ly of the producer. For instance, the broker fre- quently lets the jobber know what his client wants to do, and the price is regulated accordingly. Can you illustrate by example? Yes, sir, if I may quote a case from your own experience. If you know of one you may. "Arthur Buncombe, Esq., barrister-at-law, who, although a financial fool, was far above the average in general ability, and who was certainly clever enough to often defeat the ends of justice by his florid style of rhetoric and moving appeals to the weak side of a British jury, especially in Broach of Promise Gases, that last refuge of impecunious woman with neither feelings to be injured nor modesty to be shocked, conceived the idea that Caledonian Railway Stock was going to have a great rise. Now, as you know, sir, this was a very good idea, for although Caledonians had only declared a dividend of two per cent, arid stood at ninety, it was well known in the YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 23 House that the cost of working had been increased enormously at the expense of dividend, and it was suspected that this was done even more than was necessary, so that instead of having a sickly market with no strength in it, when improved prospects set in, the weak bulls might all be cleared out, and a fair proportion of bears be innocently waiting to bo pickled, never dreaming of the next dividend being more than three and a half or four per cent. Now, sir, of course you and I know how groundless any siu-li suspicions are ; but I cannot help thinking that directors must be more than mortal if they do not feel a secret joy in perusing the puerile calculations of the ' Outside Fools,' based on traffic returns that arc often not correct by twenty per cent., and made irrespective of the most important and fluctuating factor in the reckoning, viz., working expenses. And do you not think, sir, that it is a great temptation to a chairman, who may be a believer in the stock of his line, to make things pleasant by deferring cer- tain bills till next half-year, and charging sundry items to capital account which should go against re- venue ? or, if the evil one have tempted him to sell his shareholders' property short, as the Americans say, to be most strict in keeping up the rolling stock in a wonderful state of efficiency, to reduce all out- standing accounts, and charge everything remorseless- ly against revenue ?" " Pinto, I think it a temptation that no mortal man ought to be subjected to; but why tantalise me? I am not a chairman, not even a director, more's the pity ; but go on with your case." "Well, sir, Arthur Buncombe, Esq., barrister-at- law and special champion of ladies in search of Breach 24 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. of Promise dowry, sold all that Great Portmanteau stock which had just issued to delighted and besotted shareholders only seven millions and a half more of its ordinary rubbish at twenty-two and a half, which has been administered by some of the most eminent railway financiers in England from the first down to the present time, and not content with parting with this valuable propert}^, the obstinate man persisted in buj'ing Caledonians, to our great disgust and to the greater disgust of that < Happy Family ' who earned their honest living by selling Great Portmanteaus to an ungrateful public. You know, dear Mr. Seesaw, we were always bears of this valuable property, and found it so convenient to have a client of the bullish kind who could be frightened out just when we wished to close. Oh ! was it not a shame ? In spite of all your clever little conversational traps, this Buncombe bought ten thousand Caledonian Stock, and as we knew from Glasgow sources that the dividend was much more likely to be five or five and a half than three and a half, which calculators made it, we were afraid lest he should rob the House of fifteen hundred pounds or more. This case, sir, required real genius to manage it. Yes. sir, and, with all due deference, I feel proud to think that it was a clerk and not a principal who managed it. Poor Jabez Suavity, into whose shoes I hope to step, cut this broker's Gordian knot. One morning as he and Buncombe were going across to Capel Court from Change Alley, Suavity remarked quite in a casual way, " ' I have an order here to sell fifty thousand Caledonians at best. The Glasgow Syndicate are trying to depress the stock and make the bulls pay a heavy contango, or clear out, in order to buy back YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 25 their sto'ck at a lower price just after the account. I think well of Caledonians myself, but if you like to sell your ten thousand and buy back when they have dropped, I can add yours to the order and bang the market at the opening.' " The clever Buncombe listened, was persuaded, sold his stock unto 3~ourself, dear sir, yourself, the adroit framer of the Glasgow telegram. Alas ! poor Buncombe ! Caleys never dropped at all, but ere an hour was gone they rose full three per cent. The barrister lost heart, coquetted with his early love once more, and lost his all in worn-out Trunks. Jabez Suavity, who had a comic vein and funny hatchet face, told me this'tale over a pipe and glass in the evening, and I laughed so much that an attack of liver was completely cured. Though Buncombe was ruined mainly by this trick, he, like thousands more, never dreamt that Suavity was not misled himself, or that the interests of broker and client were not identical." " Suppose you were called upon to rebut the asser- tion that brokers do not care whether their clients make money or not, what would you say? " " I should reply, ' The jobber lives by his turn, (and well he may, for it is two per cent, sometimes), and the broker by his commission,' and I should argue that when money is lost or won, it is only one portion of the public who lose it to, or win it of, another. This answer would satisfy all who had not learnt its fallacy by experience." " Show the fallacy." 11 A large portion of the public are producers, and in the aggregate they always possess more or less money to invest or speculate with. Periods of trade 26 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. depression may occur and panics interfere with the amount of this production ; but still, more or less, it is always going on. Now, when the general public make heavy losses through speculation or investment, it is very seldom that another section of that public is the gainer ; but it is the financial acrobat, the loan- monger, the promoter, tout, or jobber, who, knowing beforehand when the mania for a certain class of investment or speculation is sated, unloads at the highest price while the public is stuck with the stock and has to bear a heavy fall, from which too often there is no recovery. Of course there are among the public a few speculators who are possessed of ample means and large experience; but in the City the speculative roach is almost always swallowed by some baronial pike, who, having made a meal of one good shoal, waits in his lair till the next swims by. Directors, bankers, brokers, jobbers, and accountants make money, not because they are cleverer than the outsiders, but because they have better means of getting good information and use it to the fullest extent." " But if we do not care whether our clients make money or not, and if they keep on losing con- tinually, how is it that we still find clients .to deal with us ? " " Because in this country, with its fogs and damp, people suffer so much from liver, spleen, and hypo- chondria, that the exciting game of speculation acts as a y medicine upon the sluggish secretions. Even the immortal professor of the healing art did not find his own pills strong enough, but must needs take a Turkish bath that cost a hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Beware, ye takers of these famous pills, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 27 this loss will have to be made up out of your slow secretions! Because, again, the old simplicity of living is now obsolete, and no one tries to live on four per cent., but all co-operate, or speculate, or else invest in foreign I. O. U's., that pay them ten per cent, for a few months or years, and then pay not a cent. Then, clients leave one broker and try another, just as our clients leave us and try another ; and a fresh crop of " Outside Fools" is ever springing up, who know nothing of the interesting game, but enter the arena with all the ardor of novices." "Explain how a clever and spirited broker who would feel ashamed to live on a paltry eighth or quarter per cent, commission may increase his earn- ings in that way." "He ought to make a careful selection from the jobbing saints, not sinners they have not that decor- ous hypocrisy the others have and either eater into amicable relations with them, or form a Stock Exchange Partnership. ' A broker of this sort should never bring out a closer than a half per cent, price in anything, should praise the stocks dealt in but little and with a two per cent, margin. It would be well for him to have a brother or at least a cousin as a jobber in the house. If also he knew two or three gentlemanly-looking old foxes who have been through the fire of experience themselves, who still have means to dress well, and can put on that jovial, frank, honest, sympathetic look that human nature loves so well, let him pay these worthies to become habitues of his office and act as decoy ducks to the speculative neophyte. They should promulgate their views to one another freely, and the broker would do well to take large dummy orders from these gentlemen, for 28 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. man is not only a gambling, but an imitative animal : The speculative Verdant Green will drink in the oracular views he hears from them with eagerness, and of course they will talk against the stocks he ought to buy, and in favor of those he ought to sell : but will occasionally argue and differ from one another only to yield at last to the view required. They must be, or pretend to be, good judges of wine, cigars, horses, and women. Not many l Outside Fools ' would see that they had fallen among thieves in this amiable family party, and the broker's gains would grow apace." " But how would you act if a client insisted upon having a close price made before he dealt ? " " I should first try to read him, as the jobbers try to read those brokers with whom they are not in collusion. Suppose I read him a buyer, I should say, ' Things look goodish ; ' ' they tell me rails are going better ; ' ' I don't know what to think of Foreign Stocks, do you?' By these little conversational experiments any broker who has the least claim to be considered a judge of human nature will be able to make out what nine out of ten of his clients want to do, and then he can bring out a quarter price, or if his man be an old hand, an eighth. Thus, suppose a client wanted to buy Westerns, and would not take a half per cent, price, I should make him 115f-116, the real market being 115J-115}, so that he would give 116; whereas if he was a seller, I should make him 115J-115J, and he would only get the lower price. If I happened to read him wrong, I should make a dummy entry in my book, show it to him when I came out, and say, ' There, that's what I've done ; you can have it or leave it. Just as I went in, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 29 Dolorous George bid for or offered twenty thousand Westerns, and the market changed.' " " Do contango and backwardation afford any scope for clever management ? " " Oh yes ! they both alter so quickly and so many times a day, according to the amount of stock in the market, or according to the dealer's books, that nothing is easier to overcharge a bull and get a bear from an eighth to three sixteenths less than he ought to have." " Give your views on limits." " These are the most fruitful and amusing sources of gain to a broker. Every limit cleverly worked is equivalent to a put and call option, and the client, who is a mere peg on which the broker may hang his dealings round about the limit, can bo shot at till the broker is tired of shooting. This can be done to the great benefit of the broker's pocket and liver, in all cases where the market does not run away from the limit, and as each broker has many clients, there will always be one or two daily targets for him to practise archery at. You see, sir, I have learnt all this from Jabez Suavity, who had only one fault, and that was, to chatter freely after a glass or two of grog-" " Yes, young man," said Seesaw, some what severely, " Suavity has chattered to you much more freely than I should expect you to do to any one, if you become our confidential clerk, and hope to become a member of the House. Suppose these little stories got abroad, how many ' Outside Fools ' would grow alarmed, and know more than is good for us! Take the hint, Erasmus Pinto." I bowed, and said I would. 30 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. " I think, sir," continued I, " that I could illustrate the working of limits best from another case in your own experience, which Jabez Suavity detailed to me. Have I your permission ? " "You have." I thus began, " The Eev. Titus Marry well, M.A., incumbent of St. Narrowcreed's, Brighton, finding that his wife's money, although a very nice little fortune, only brought in four per cent, per annum, being invested in a mortgage on land, took the advice of a brother parson, who also had a wife with a nice little fortune, called in the mortgage, and bought Turkish Bs. and Cs. As Sadyk Pasha was then making his tour through the countries of the Christian dogs to rehabi- litate the Sultan's waning credit by the Imperial Operating Bank Scheme, these Bs. and Cs. were very lively, and rose two per cent, within a week after the parson bought. When they had relapsed a half per cent, we wired him thus, l Bs. and Cs. have risen two. Some heavy selling now, and market weak. Eeply.' The Rev. Titus did reply, ' Sell all my Bs. and Cs. at best.' We sold them to ourselves, as now the market seemed inclined to turn. Next morning, on reading the Misleading Journal, he found that Bs. and Cs. had risen four per cent., of which he had secured just one and a quarter per cent, as profit. With our contract we had enclosed a note, stating that some very good buying had unexpectedly taken place from Paris after we had sold, and that the market seemed likely to improve further. We therefore advised him to wire us first thing in the morning if he had anything to do, and to leave limits with us, so as not to miss the fluctuations that might occur. Now, as you are YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 31 aware, sir, although more parsons than almost any other class were dabbling in Bs. and Cs. and other Moslem rubbish, which I should have thought a good Christian would have been afraid to touch, yet the bishops, with that masterly inaction for which they are so justly celebrated, and although none know better than they that more truth hovers round about a sovereign than round anything else, even though Satan may be inside the coin, never sent even one pastoral to the clergy of their diocese to warn them of the perils of fishing for sovereigns in such dirty waters, and the danger of bringing their cloth into disrepute with unconverted ' Outside Fools.' As, then, the Rev. Incumbent of St. Narrowcreed's had made a fair profit out of his first transaction with the sons of Belial, and dreamt over-night that he was a holy vessel chosen to spoil the Mahometans, he was down at the telegraph office full five minutes before it was open. In turning the corner he nearly ran into the embrace of the Rev. Lovejoy Cherubum, rector of St. Petticote's, an apostle of the Broad Church, a muscular Christian, with a portly mien, ruddy visage, and cheery voice, one who thought evil of no man, not even of the Turk. These two worthies of such opposite sects were both, oddly enough, bent upon the same errand. The gadfly of speculation had stung their reverend souls, and each blessed Mahometan extravagance and the insane policy of the British government which built up the rotten edifice of crumbling Turkish credit and gave to foolish usurers full ten and sometimes twelve per cent, for years, until they thought the game would last for ever. ' How d'ye do, Marrywell?' said ho of St. Petticote's. ' I am going to wire my broker fellow 32 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. to buy a couple of thousand Bs. and Cs.' ' Going to buy Turks yourself, eh ? ' replied he of St. Narrow- creed's, with acid look and sanctimonious whine, coining a holy falsehood on" his ready tongue. 1 Brother Cherubum, all Turks and godless infidels I hold in righteous abhorrence, as my creed enjoins. You may lend money on usurious terms to these lost heathen ; but we, chosen vessels as we are, may not traffic thus. An aged aunt of mine, a God-fearing and holy woman, bids me attend her sick bedside. I telegraph to say I shall be there as soon as trains allow.' Thus having lied, the Eev. Titus gave his message to the clerk, and bowing stiffly to his brother parson, sneaked away. Then Cherubum called to the clerk, who came back with the other's message in his hand, and as the writing happened to be turned right way, the rector, not displeased, nor yet aston- ished much, read this to the sick aunt, ' If Bs. and Cs. should open good, buy five thousand at the best, first thing. If they improve two per cent., then sell. Suppose, after selling, the market relapses much, buy again at discretion, and if before the close they rise again, sell all.' ' Aha ! the fox ! I thought as much/ said Cherubum to himself, as he wrote out his wire, to buy Bs. and Cs. himself." " These men, whose creed allows so very few a chance of being saved, are very often hypocrites." "But, my dear Mr. Seesaw," said I, " do observe the blooming innocence of this Eev. 'Outside Fool.' For a commission of one pound five per thousand stock the Firm of Seesaw and Turnabout were to make for this greedy and ignorant pillar of the church two or three hundred pounds in one clay, and to give him the benefit of their own discretion and YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 33 experience for nothing. Will not these outside dolts ever learn that a broker only wants them for their commission, or as pegs to hang his own dealings on, and that if money could be made as easily as they mostly think, the broker would make it for himself without the trouble of being pestered with prigs and idiots, who think they know what he has failed to learn thoroughly all his life ? But how did you work ? This is how. There are dealings at half-past ten in the Foreign Market very often; and this debatable half-hour from half-past ten until eleven can be made a sort of put and call option by a clever broker, because, if he has orders to buy, he can execute them then, put them down to himself if the market goes right way, or put them down to his client, if it goes wrong. At half-past ten Bs. and Os. opened at 81 J, the price at which they closed the night before. As you had an order to buy five thousand, first thing which 'first thing/ means as soon as there is dealing in the market, or at the official opening, when the rattle goes, as the result may require you bought five thousand at 81 J. Before eleven o'clock, which may also be called ' first thing,' your purchase showed a profit of one per cent., i.e., fifty pounds on the five thousand. You then sold the five thousand to the Rev. Titus at, not eighty- two and a half, which was the exact market price for in these Bs. and Cs. there is a one per cent, price always sent out, and sometimes two, a splendid trap for ' Outside Fools,' although it is quite possible to deal closer, if the broker wants but you sold to him at eighty three, so that in addition to the fifty pounds profit and your commission, which was six pounds five, you had sold at a half per cent, above the market price, which margin of a half per cent, you of course B* 34 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. shared with the jobber, who was a partner and a friend. Yes, sir, this half-hour, as you \^B!! know, is a mine of wealth to a broker who has plenty of morning orders and a conscience possessing that true aristocratic pliability unattainable by the herd. Of course you wired the parson the moment the market looked like going flat, telling him that, having an order to sell from a client, you had given him the turn and bought the five thousand cheap. Of course, too, when the usual rumour dodge was started, and the ' Outside Fools' who haunt the Telegraphic Exchanges and Speculating Club Rooms, for the purpose of swallow- ing, as something true and sent express for them alone, the downright lies or garbled facts that the financial pike gets posted up to catch his daily meal of roach with, you wired thus, 'The market is very flat, and it is said that Sadyk Pasha's mission has failed.' And of course the Rev. Titus wired back to sell at best and buy back on a drop. Of course the rumors were false, and instead of a drop there was a rally. You of course wired the news. Titus, being a novice, thought the market must go better, and wired back to buy at best, which you did again a half above the market price. But I need not say more about this speculating pillar of the church. He went' on with his limits and you with your working of them until you and the Bs. and Cs. had cleared him out." " Very good," said Mr. Seesaw ; " but some clients insist upon having a limit left in the House. How would you act with them ? " "I should say, first, that I never left a limit in the House, because my client would, of course, never get any better price than the limit, whereas, if he left it with me, he might do so. Of course, sir, you YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 35 know that our clients, somehow or other, never are lucky enough to get a better price than the limit left ; but still, in theory, this would be a fair objection to make against leaving limits with the jobber. Sup- pose a limit were left in the House to buy Brighton A. at 110, and a bad accident were reported suddenly, the jobber would of course sell directly at 110 although, almost at the moment he sold the stock might be quoted 108, or even lower. Now, in theory, the broker would protect his client and buy at a lower price ; but in practice the client would never, or next to never, get any such protection. If, however, a client should still insist on having the limit left in the House, nothing would be easier than to leave it with a jobber with whom you had established ' Amicable relations,' and he would share with you the further margin of profit, when there was any, and would, in all cases where the limit was only just reached, act for himself as against a put or call protection, and you would together share the profit, and report to your client that another quarter, eighth, or sixteenth, as the case might be, was needed to get the business done. Thus, suppose a limit be left in the House with a friendly jobber to sell 10,000 Great Easterns at 51, the moment they touch 51 the 10,000 would be sold. But if the market should afterwards relapse, as in many cases it would, you and the friendly jobber would buy back the 10,000 at whatever profit you could get, and report that the price was never quite 51 buyers. Of course, an experienced client might insist upon having it put down at 51, if the official quotations marked a half per cent, above that price ; but you know, sir, that a client has little chance against the committee, and the jobber would of course 36 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. declare that he did not know they were buyers, and, moreover, if one or two did complain, how many more would not?" " Yery true, Mr. Pinto," said Seesaw, peering curiously at me from under his shaggy eyebrows ; " but how would you play the game of Hide and Seek with a client, when, as the Americans say, a soda water rise * was taking place in his stock, or when there was a panic fall, and he wanted to cut his loss quickly ? " Here Turnabout said to Seesaw, " Give the boy a glass of old brown sherry, and take one yourself, " and this made a break in my examina- tion. I will commence a new chapter with my answer, which I was enabled to make from another anecdote told me by Jabez Suavity. CHAPTER IV. THE GAME OP HIDE AND SEEK BETWEEN DR. BLEED- ALL GRABFEE AND MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW. '' WITH your permission, sir," resumed I, "I will illustrate again by a case from your own experience, which Suavity told me, and I will relate it in' his words as nearly as I can. He had dined with the doctor and knew his history. Septimus Bleedall Grabfee, M.D., lived in a comfortable house at Kensing- ton. He had married a wife in India who had seven thousand pounds, besides personal attractions. Being * A soda water rise means one that is very soon lost ; a more sustained rise our Transatlantic cousins term a whisky rise. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 37 without encumbrance, as the married servants' adver- tisements with unconscious satire aptly put it, and being blessed or cursed with a clever, restless brain, he conceived the idea, in which ho was encouraged by his wife, of making a large fortune on 'Change. < One would have thought,' said Jabez Suavity, t that a man who possessed a wife whose personal attractions were set off by seven thousand pounds' worth of the root of all evil, and a decent practice, might have been content to live on his income and her pro- perty. But no, for dear is 'Change unto a busy brain ; and so he joined the swelling ranks of "Outside Fools." And fortunate for us it was that he was hit so hard at first, for he would otherwise have beaten us at our own game. He was so well up in the merits of the various stocks, had such excellent perception, could diagnose a market so cleverly, that I do believe we should have failed to clean him out, had he not believed us honest and read newspapers too much. That jolly, young old, rollicking buffer, Reginald Meekin, whom he hap- pened to meet at the "Grand" at Brighton, intro- duced him first to us.' One morning he came up to town post-haste, having heard from a trustworthy source in America that the Leery Directors were going to be turned out, and more money extracted from the Britisher ostensibly for steel rails really, for a fresh lining to the pockets of the Leery Ring. Now this information was good, but the docter had delayed operation until several besides those behind the scenes had learnt the move. However, on this morning the doctor gave Mr. Turnabout an order to buy five thousand Leeries at the best, as soon as he could get them, and instructed him, in case he could 38 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. not go down to the House at the opening, to send the order to you, sir, by Suavity, as you had already gone to watch the opening of the Foreign Market. 1 Now, youngster,' said Suavity to me, ' keep your eyes skinned and your ears open, for what I am going to say is worth money. Whenever a client gives an order, look out for an alternative in it, for a single "if" in clever hands, can be made a put or call option. The doctor, you will remember, gave the order to Turnabout, and instead of holding his tongue, he must say, i( If you cannot go down to the House, send the order to Mr. Seesaw." This alternative, and the fact that Leeries are dealt in before eleven, gave us a very handsome sum . Turnabout went down to the House, unknown to Grabfee, who had gone to the bank to cash a cheque, found Patsy Nickel bidding away for Leeries, which opened a dollar better, with a very strong market. He, of course, seeing the market good, bought five thousand at once, and told Mr. Seesaw that he was not to come out when called, lut stand in the Leery market and sell the shares, unless they dropped, when he was to come at once to the office and report the purchase for Grabfee. After this comfortable arrangement, and having, further, left a copy of the order to buy with the Cerberus. in Cap el Court, to be delivered as soon as Mr. Seesaw came out, Turnabout went placidly to the nearest wine cabin and indulged in sundry glasses of his favorite old brown sherry. Having returned from the bank to the office, and waited for a quarter of an hour, the doctor got uneasy and went down to Capel Court, where he heard that Leeries were rising a dollar every five minutes. This made him wild, and so he set the Cerberus, who keeps the gates of Tartarus, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 39 a-bawling, " Seesaw ! Turnabout ! " till he was hoarse, but half-a-crown soon cured his sore throat.' As long as the Leery market kept on the rise, you played at Hide and Seek amid the excited dealing throng, and listened not to Cerberus. Grabfee got wild, and sent off Suavity, who just came down the court to look for Turnabout. ' Meantime the Leery market paused, looked "toppy," as the saying is, and Hide and Seek no longer paid, so out came Seesaw, saw the doctor with well-feigned surprise, received the slip from Cerberus, and said, " The shares have risen doctor, just four dollars and a half, and still look very good ; but what a pity I did not get this before." " Go in and buy at best ! " said Grabfee, nearly blind with rage. He went and sold the shares that Turn- about had bought first thing to the doctor, at a profit of four dollars a share, thereby making a profit of nearly four thousand pounds which Grabfee should have had. The shares of course would have been sold to him before, if they had dropped instead of rising, as they did. An hour afterwards Leeries dropped a dollar and a half, which movement you promptly reported to the unhappy disciple of Galen, who, disgusted at having lost a chance of making four thousand pounds, and seeing already a difference against him of fifteen hundred pounds, sold all his shares and went off in a huff. Now Pinto,' said Suavity, 'you see how useful Hide and Seek is to a broker, and you ought to see how beautiful a thing is partnership; for each partner can blame the other, as is often the case with man and wife ; but the client can blame neither without the other coming to the 40 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. As it was now close upon eleven o'clock, Seesaw said to Turnabout, "Pinto has answered our questions with sufficient ability to warrant our appointing him to the vacant office of confidential clerk, so if you will go down to the House and execute the morning orders, I will have a little further conversation with him, and learn how he became so well posted in our private affairs, and I will give him some good general advice." " I knew sir," said I, " that you would be surprised at my being able to relate these anecdotes ; but as there now is no chance of Jabez Suavity's resuming office, it can do him no harm, and may do mo good. He was a model of reticence, except when he had taken a glass too much, which on occasion he would do; and then he was one of the most amusing and talkative fellows out. He told us these little stories one evening, when Sam Chenery, Harry Lee, and I, were at his rooms in the Queen's Eoad, Haggerston, having a game of whist; and so graphically did he describe, or rather act, your calm surprise when you first saw the doctor, the innocent look with which you took the order from Cerberus, and the excitement and fury of Grabfee, that we were all convulsed with laughter, and poor Sam Chenery broke a bloodvessel and lost his chance of winning the One Mile Handicap at Lily Bridge, for which he was first favorite. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 41 CHAPTEE Y. MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW'S ADVICE TO HIS NEW CON- FIDENTIAL CLERK. "WELL, Mr. Pinto/' said Seesaw, "you have cer- tainly given very creditable answers to my questions ; but this is partly owing, T perceive, to the instruction you have received from Suavity, who I never should have thought to be so indiscreet. You must clearly understand, young man, that if we appoint you, and you wish to advance your interest, you must consider, as Talleyrand used to do, that words are given to a clever man not to express, but to conceal his thoughts, and that any chattering in your cups would surely ruin you with us. The mainstay of our system is secrecy, and a few little anecdotes, such as you have recounted, would teach an l Outside Fool ' in five minutes more than he has any business to learn in five years. I have taken a fancy to you, and if you play your cards well, you may soon be a member of the Stock Exchange, if not a member of our firm." I bowed, and assured the worthy man that I never drank anything but claret and an occasional glass of light sherry, and was blessed by nature with a most secretive disposition. "Well, then, I will now give you a few useful hints about the way of dealing with clients, and tell you what views I hold about the stocks which one would only like a client to deal in. With regard to manner, it is difficult to lay down any rule, for you will have ' Outside Fools ' to deal with of all disposi- YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. tions and classes, from the baronet or now and then an impecunious peer, who sits, as Guinea Pig, upon some company's board, down to the coachman or the lady's maid, who see their Eldorado in some worthless foreign mine. The ideal broker instinctively sees all his clients' characters and weaknesses, and with a graceful versatility can be, or grave, or gay, to suit the man he operates upon. But this is genius, and without flattering myself, Pinto, I think I must possess a portion of this genius, for I was offered three hundred a year by a successful novelist if I would let him come into my office and take a few daily notes while I was operating with my artistic skill on various Outside Fools.' Of course I laughed it off: three hundred pounds a year, forsooth! it would be worth a thousand, if not more. However, it is not every man who is able to be a Seesaw, and you must try to imitate me as much as you can. In a general way, it is good to be genial, rather jocular, but never coarse, as too many of our common brokers are to wear an air of candor and of courtesy, and most to novices. When asked to give a definite opinion about a stock, if possible I put the question off, or answer thus, ' My dear sir, I hear so many opinions, and am so busy, that I have not time to sift them. Your own judgment will often prove better than mine. If you will believe me, we know no more inside than you do outside.' This flatters ' Outside Fools.' Suppose a client gives a view about a stock in your office, profess to be struck with its originality ; act the role of learner rather than instructor, and if one of your paid habitues can lecture well, encourage him to talk. As some shrewd ancient poet some- where says, ' More fish will swim into the ponds, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 43 and they will be well stocked ere long.' Nothing is more fatal to success than a cold cynical demeanor, or a clownish bluntness that calls a spade a spade. It is wise to have a fund of West End anecdotes, to know the latest scandal in high life, to keep a box of really good cigars, for shillings spent in this way oft bring pounds. Take each client aside, and whisper confidentially, while others are looking on, for most like this, it makes them seem important; and do not make the grave mistake of neglecting smaller clients entirely for ones who deal in fifty thousand at a time. Many brokers spoil a business by this fault. It is not a bad thing to have a fashionable tailor come round to your office, to have samples of wine about, and to ask your client's opinion about them. When you have brought out the morning prices, your remarks must be discreet and to the point. If orders are slowly given, you might observe, if the office be clear of investing fogies, ' There really is not much doing, but the tone is good. I bought a couple of thousand Egypts for Turnabout, who seems to believe in the stock ; but don't you follow him. We are both nearly always wrong.' The fish will rise to this bait, disregard the caution, give you one or more orders to buy Egypts, when of coarse you will sell to them yourself on a weak market. If you have sufficient ' Amicable relations ' established, put a jobber's name upon your contract ; the novice has never heard of Stock Exchange Partnerships, and will think collusion is impossible. It is wise to grow a heavy moustache. The mouth is such an awkwardly expressive feature. I have known a beautifully child- like expression of honesty and benevolence on a really clever broker's face quite marred by one small 44 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS, sinister curve hovering about the mouth. Oh, yes ! grow a moustache. Hair was given to conceal, not to express." CHAPTER VI. MR. SEESAW INSTRUCTS ERASMUS PINTO HOW TO DEAL WITH LADY-CLIENTS. AFTER a brief pause, Seesaw thus began again, " Suppose you are consulted by any widows, orphans, or single ladies, with money to invest, don't put them into Consols, Colonial Government Securities, or Indian Railways, unless compelled ; but choose them a good lively stock that pays from seven to ten per cent., such as Turkish, or Egyptian, or Imperial Ottoman Bank. Peruvian, also, is an excellent bait. Many 'Outside Fools' have had slight misgivings about Turkish Stocks, have not been quite sure of Egyptians, but I have scarcely met with one who could see through the guano swindle, who was not dazzled by the much-vaunted value of that country's curious asset, ever increasing while we sleep, a sublime gift of nature which, as yet, has made the lucky half-breeds who possess it inde- pendent both of industry and honesty. Even our naval commanders seem to see through spectacles here. Yes, you will do well to put any of your fair clients into such sound securities as these. No fear of their fathers, brothers, or guardians coming down upon you, for they are all engaged themselves in the same interesting but not exactly safe game of usury. Those who have had their dividends for some years, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 45 and who know a friend who has heard of some other friend having had a Bond drawn off at par encourage the new speculators to hope for similar success. Of the three I should choose Egypts as the soundest indeed, so sound are they, that the Khedive cannot keep himself from buying up large quantities of his own stock and paying for it with money borrowed at a higher rate of interest than the Bonds themselves pay. Well, we will suppose that the tip has gone round to the brokers that a rig is coming on in Egypt seventy- threes, and that in- vestors are much needed to assist the rigging syn- dicate. Put all the ladies in you can, and having se- lected Egypts, warn them against Turks and Penis, for when the crash does come, they will remember what you said, and trust you more. Lady-clients give much more trouble, require more consultation, and never seem to think you have any other fish to fry. You may recoup yourself for such a loss of time in sundry ways. When your fair one has taken up her stock, say in a casual way, l Of course you will take a profit, and buy again if the stock falls. Keep your Bonds in an iron safe, for if they be lost, or burnt, the governments are much too pleased to give fresh Bonds ; when dividend time comes round, they must be left three days for examination.' Your fair clients will be alarmed at these dangers, and will say, 'I have no iron safe, and should not know how to man- age.' Offer at once to keep them, collect the divi- dends, and advise about selling and buying back. This will pay you well. As the Bonds are to bearer, you can borrow money on them as you please ; if your client's Bonds be drawn you can substitute undrawn Bonds with ease, and pocket the bonus, for it is ten 4:6 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. to one they never took the number down ; and last, though not least, you can, having discretionary limits, buy and sell them over and over again and pocket nearly all the gains, while, if you should be so awk- ward as to act at the wrong time, all you have to do is to write a diplomatic note and say, ' Certain ru- mors were afloat, and thinking that ladies ought to run no risks, I sold. The rumors have fortunately been proved false, and the stock has risen again. Shall I buy back again ? ' In case they should refuse to do this, send them the quotation of some other lively stock that you can recommend, and say that, as the market went the wrong way, you will charge them no commission. Women like to be written to; don't grudge your time. The poor souls will repay you at least fifty per cent. Let your motto be, 'I throw a sprat to catch a herring with.' Country clients are preferable to those who attend personally. It is true they deal more seldom, but you can charge them at least twice as much commission, influence them much n;ore by your correspondence, and escape the worry of those numberless inquiries which so often result in no business, and from that annoying buzzing about a man to which the clients who attend daily are addicted. '- When any of your clients become defaulters, treat them leniently, and waste no time in law, for of course some of them must in time fail, whether honest or dishonest, contending vainly as they do against a beautiful and elaborate system about which they know next to nothing, and where the odds are so much against them, without reckoning that indirect personal influence a clover broker brings to bear, which often is the greatest odd of all. You must have YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 47 noticed yourself, Pinto, how much and frequently such words as these have told on our clients' deal- ings, 4 What a swindle that Brighton A market is ! I should not wonder if the dealers did not refuse to carry over next time. If I were a speculator, and did not mind paying a little out, I should make a fortune here. I think British will soon be quite unsaleable.' But these remarks must not be made, so to speak, at your client, they must appear spon- taneous and as if made by one who could not bear to see a swindle going on successfully. Of course the result would be that your clients would become bears of two rising and improving stocks, against which all that any one could justly say would be that they had improved much and risen much to correspond with the improvement. Never go to law. You may depend upon it that an ' Outside Fool' will speculate until he has lost all. Besides, it would do your connection harm, and in this world of many ups and downs, the lame duck* may get cured of its lameness and come back to dabble in the dirt again. My plan is always this. I say, " ' Pay me what you can, dear sir. I would write off the debt were I a richer man ; but I have a family and cannot afford the luxury. And pay me when you can. I know you are a man of honor.' " You would be surprised how my defaulting clients have worked to pay me what they owed." * A lame duck is one who cannot pay his differences. 48 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. CHAPTEE VII. MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW WARNS ERASMUS PINTO AGAINST SPECULATING IN UNSAFE STOCKS. "Op course you will occasionally speculate yourself. To do this safely you must follow principles, not ideas, or even with your superior knowledge of the business and better information, you will be ruined. If you take my advice you will never buy a share in a mine, English or Foreign. The really good English mines scarcely ever come upon the market, and good foreign mines more seldom still. Even if a really good mine is worked by a public company, just as a good racehorse is sometimes not allowed to win, so it is not allowed to turn out well. Such prizes as Cape Copper, Devon Consols, Van, and St. John Del Key are the baits which catch the l Outside Fools,' who forget that among the thousands of utter failures these are the only prizes. Take no shares in indus- trial companies, unless fully acquainted with the concern. Success here depends upon the manage- ment, often upon a single manager's honesty, business capacity, or sobriety. Cable shares are as yet in their infancy, and should only be touched by rich men who can afford and ought to pay for the experi- ments of science. Any day a new cable may be invented that may do its work much better and cost half the money. Still they are dangerous to bear, for the reason that the persons who now hold most of them are powerful and rich. Foreign govern- ments, with the exception of France, Eussia, the United States, Portugal, and one or two others, only YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 49 pay their interest by fresh borrowing ; and as the above-mentioned countries' Bonds only pay an average of five per cent, on the price, with some not inconsider- able chance of a depreciation, I cannot see the use of buying them. A great deal of fuss was made about the honorable way in which Eussia paid the interest on her bonds during the Crimean War ; but surely a country backed up by the greatest capitalist would not kill the goose that laid the golden eggs. The truth is, foreign loans are very much like mines, and their credit depends quite as much upon the name of of the financier who endorses their bills as upon the resources of the country. Why, when the young Alfonso ascended the throne of bankrupt Spain, and a very large fish had bought the Bonds, we read such articles on Spanish stocks that, had we not well known that all those columns were a mere financier's puff, we must have bought. No abuse just now seems bad enough for brokers and jobbers ; but surely the magnates of finance, who bleed England by the power of their names of such huge sums for countries to develop all their railway system for strategic purposes, or fov empires, almost unknown to the lenders, to spend the money as they please, do far more harm than we. We only execute fools' orders, and are looked upon as almost thieves. They, by the credit of their names, induce some mil- lions to put money into these foreign I O TJ's who do not speculate. We help the speculator to lose his money with us which he would surely lose with some one else. We are execrated ; they are lauded to the skies. And why? Because none dare tell truth where all this root of evil is. Bussians would be a first rate bear, but you cannot carry over j the stock C 50 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. is always scarce. Some day a fall of twenty per cent, will come, the great man will have sold his first, and then you will be able to carry over as a bear with ease. No, Pinto, don't touch foreign loans yourself, but^ let your clients try their best against the wire-pulling usurers who rule the roast. Would you deal for yourself in the stocks of so-called governments, that first sell enormous bears of their own rubbish, then spread rumors of repudiation, then buy back their bears, deny the rumors, then sell bears again upon the ralty, then repudiate? or pay half the dividend duo to their creditors, and claim the whole upon the stock they hold themselves? Oh! come, ye 'Outside Fools,' these are the stocks for you. Call us hard names, but catch ?/s in these traps you never will again. Oh ! if you but knew the size of the commis- sions large financial houses get for selling their good names and catching those silliest of all, investing fools, you would not think our charges much ! I speak with feeling on this topic, Pinto, and I'll tell you why. Perus and Turks have never caught me yet, but set a thief to catch a thief, they say. With shame I own it, I, Nathaniel Seesaw, backed up by a system of elaborate chicanery, no fool to wit, was beaten by the wily African and his financing touts and juggling band. Seeing that sleepy old gentle- man John Bull let foreign countries on the verge of bankruptcy dip their hands so freely into his pockets, I was caught by the idea of the Mahometan buying up his own stock with the bondholders' money and then issuing a fresh loan at the higher price, It really was a grand idea. Some clever rogues were caught in that Egyptian trap of 1873. I was not the YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 51 only one; there is some solace there. Knowing that the syndicate was powerful and rich, which was to float the loan of 1873, I bought a large stake in the loan of 1868 at 91 in 1872. It had been nearly 96. No doubt I was an awful ass, but I was unlucky enough to know one of the syndicate, and that is how it was. The loan came out for 32,000,000, in 1873. I never had a chance to sell. The public did not take the bait ; the syndicate were sold instead of selling " Outside Fools." My 68 loan was at 75. Yes, Pinto, and I've got it now. Why did not my friends shave my head, and keep me in close confine- ment till that Egyptian bubble burst? Ah ! why in- deed I I fear I shall never recoup myself for that mad act. So learn from my experience, and never buy a foreign Bond, for when a heavy drop occurs, you don't know where it will end, the intrinsic merit is so small. If you speculate, buy English Kails. This is a property, it is indestructible, and in time is sure to recover, unless the country should go to the dogs. The price Eails have been once they always reach again. Of course directors may be found who play their game to suit themselves, defer some bills to next half-year to swell the dividend, or drag some in to keep it down, charge sometimes more and some- times less to capital account, create fresh capital too much, and dip their own hands in the till ; but the day is fast approaching when directors and their speculative friends, with the aid of noodles' proxies, will no longer be able to hoodwink or gag a meeting, but will be required to give a good account of their stewardship, to foster no underhand competitive schemes, brought forward only to depress the stock, 52 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. and then be suddenly withdrawn, to really fuse, or not pretend to fuse, and aim at closing capital ac- counts. All this is coming, but it must have time. The only danger is that, when there is no foreign rubbish left, the great men of finance should buy these Rails enormously, buy articles to crack them up too much, and then produce a panic by their sales. This, too, is on the cards. At present the Misleading Journal tries to prove all Rails too high, and that a panic is to come. You see the big ones like to buy their good things cheap. Yes, Pinto, if you speculate, buy Eng- lish Rails, and when you read a savage article against these English Rails, buy twice as much as if no article appeared. You'll make a trifle so. In conclusion, remember this. To speculate successfully there are three requisites judgment, nerve, and money. Judg- ment is to some extent a natural gift; nerve may be increased, if not acquired wholly, by sobriety and per- severing energy ; some little money must be had to start with, unless you run an unfair risk and make a fluke. I must now see to business. You will do for us I think." CHAPTER VIII. MR. TURNABOUT'S QUAINT TEST OF A YOUNG MAN'S FITNESS FOR THE OFFICE OF CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. AT this moment John Turnabout entered the office, his great red face glowing with excitement, or the favorite old brown sherry. The playful wags inside the House called him ({ Butcher Turnabout." In some YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 53 respects he was a worthy soul ; but nothing could con- vince him that the nation was not made for the Stock Exchange, instead of the Stock Exchange for the nation. " Well," cried he, " to be, or not to be ? " " Oh ! " replied Seesaw, " Pinto will do for us ; he has answered all my questions more than well, and listened to my homily on stocks with most attentive ears." u I should like to put one to him myself," rejoined John ' Butcher ' Turnabout. " It in an odd one, but the man who answers it as I think that he ought may be trusted anywhere with anything. I never yet found one of Pinto's age who could so answer it. Suppose, young man," said this funny old broker to me, "you were travelling alone in a first-class carriage on one of the metropolitan railways, and a young lady with pretty trusting face and winsome ways, and figure freely shown by the new-fangled style of dress, which an old man like me would think sug- gestive, if not immodest, were to step into the same carriage, and seating herself opposite to you, say, 1 Pray, am I right for St. John's Wood ? ' what would you do ? " For a few moments I was fairly staggered by this novel question ; but soon recovering, I tjius replied, "I should answer my fair questioner with the suggestive dress in these few words, ' I really am not sure, but I'll get out and ask a porter.' Suiting the action to the word, I should have the rudeness to fgrget that 1 had seen the lady, should spring into the nearest carriage in which the other sex was not, and ride in safety to my journey's end. 'You see, sir,' as an intelligent, though ungrammatical porter 54 TE OUTSIDE FOOLS. once remarked to me' you see, sir, they 'as quite a weakness for perfessional men a-travelling alone in a first-class carriage.' " " Bravo, Pinto," said the funny butcher ; " a man of your age, who is proof against the seductive wiles of such a dangerous man-trap, is safe enough for me ; you now are one of us. Off to your desk and wire the country clients well to make up for lost time." I bowed, and wired, well pleased that I was safely through this odd ordeal, and wondering much at the butcher broker's grotesque test of my trustworthi- ness. CHAPTER IX. ERASMUS PINTO GOES TO DINE WITH MR. NATHANIEL SEESAW. NEXT day, when business was nearly over, and when I had wired at least half a dozen country clients out of good stocks on a rising market, and into South American rubbish on a falling one, Mr. Seesaw said to me, " Come and take your dinner with me this evening, Pinto, and we can have a quiet chat. There will be no one else but my daughter and Mr. Levi Gusher, of the People's Bellow graphic, and he has an engagement soon after dinner." We left the office just in time to catch the five o'clock express to Chalk Farm. Seesaw lived in the Adelaide Eoad, some distance from the station. " I did live at Brighton," said he, after we were safely ensconced in an empty carriage and had lit two of his particular Partagas j " but I could not stand YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 55 the wear and tear of travelling up and down every day. What a place that Brighton is ! It will soon be nothing bat one vast suburb of London ; all the world seems to go to Brighton now, and a good part of it to live there. I hear the Beckenham scheme is to be on again. Metropolitan promoters, I imagine. What nice little profits the Baron and Sammyveli ought to have made out of their Brighton bulls. There is a pot of money, Pinto, to be made out of that threat of competition, hackneyed trick as it is. Even the great wire-pullers on the bull side like it, because they can clear out all the weak and timid holders so, and get a firm basis for a further upward move. Of course the bill will be withdrawn, as it was a few years ago, and about the same day. Now, Pinto, if you and I had made such a haul out of the stock as I dare say those two and their party have, we should go to the promoters of the rival scheme and say, " ' Come, now, gentlemen, what do you expect to get ? You know as well as we do that if you do deposit the money you will never get the bill passed, and however much the public may like the idea of cheaper fares, through competition, they will never take shares in the new company. Of course, as large quantities of Brighton stock are still in certain persons' hands, waiting to be absorbed by the public at the proper time, you have a strong position, for the pot might boil over, if it went on far enough. But you would only gain a little by selling the stock, which would not drop much till the bill had really passed, and pass it never will. Suppose we say five thousand each for A, B, C, and two for all the rest, you then might buy the stock before the scheme is 6 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. publicly withdrawn and make a certain profit in addition to the douceur we propose to give. Of course you are strong enough to get the shares quoted at a fictitious premium, even now-a-days; but really there's no chance.' " Yes, Pinto, that's what we should do. Is it not a pity that the Brighton Directors are so entirely devoted to their shareholders' interest and the pro- moters of the rival scheme so anxious for a pro- blematic public good as not to see their own ? Oh ! it is a pity ! Why, if they took the money, both might agree to pay a worse dividend this half, pay bills that need not be thought of till next half year, spend more on rolling stock, and get the A's down ten per cent., then next half year, when all the calculating idiots would go for two per cent., come out with three and a half or four. Oh ! Pinto, if we had the chance of such a pretty little game, we soon should have swell mansions at the West End then, yes, and at Brighton too. "Then there's that Chatham Fusion Scheme. I grieve to see two champions so careful of their reputation for acumen so determined to exact the uttermost farthing from each other's shareholders that one hundred thousand pounds a year that might be .saved is lost to both. The shareholders will try to make them fuse at this next meeting, I should think. And, Pinto, if they fuse don't put your money in the stocks, except for a soda-water rise, for Parliament will never pass the fusion scheme unless they promise to reduce the fares, which, to my mind, are quite absurdly high. No, Pinto, choose the great trunk lines, not these close boroughs, where so much is dark, so many schemes afloat. But just suppose YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 57 that you and I were the two Kings of Brentford, Pinto, what a pretty little swindle we should start. In the first place, we should permit, not instruct, mind, some well-dressed gentleman with a good store of native impudence to circularise the public with the details of the scheme. We should let most of the very rich shareholders into our plot and none of the poorer ones. ^Then we should, of course, having bought large quantities of stock before the public mention of the scheme, sell gradually all that the market would absorb. There then would be a hitch, or first a rumor only of a hitch; we should buy back again, and take quick profits, after other rumors had replaced the former ones. Thus to and fro with loaded dice would Messrs. Seesaw and Pinto play until their pockets were quite full. When pressure from without became too strong, we then should fuse, and sell huge bears at quite the top, then have a virtuous fit, reduce the fares to please the public and the government, and close bur bears at the right time. Aha! ye shareholders of these southern lines, ye may bless your stars that ye have such men as ye have to look so closely after your real interests, for we should soon have shown you what besotted fools we thought you were." I pressed old Seesaw's hand in silence; he was really eloquent. "Yes, Pinto," said the worthy man, "I should have got back all my Egypt loss, for with such profits I could well have afforded to sell even at the present price. But let us cut the shop ; it makes me ill to think what fools directors are to miss such splendid chances so. What do you think of matrimony, Pinto eh?" YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. " My dear Mr. Seesaw," said I, it is a subject that I hardly dare to think upon. If I lived in one of the colonies, where a sheep could be bought for half-a- crown and a bullock for half a guinea, and where surplus corn is used to light the ovens with, I should not only think of matrimony, but speedily take unto myself a wife and set about increasing the population. In a new country, population is surely the one great requisite. But in one like this, where your butcher will scarcely let you have a pound of good meat for a shilling, and where your baker sells you a sickly compound of inferior wheat adroitly blended with the Rock Potato, or other worse adulterating agents, where house-rent, food, and taxes are over growing more expensive day by day, while earnings keep the same or else grow less except for colliers, who work three days in the week and drink champagne the other four, and for the communistic artisan, whom agitators for their selfish purposes seem bent on keeping ignorant, by raising the education cry in their own vicious way where servants now are the real mistresses, where the million or more surplus ladies, as a certain person lately somewhat insolently termed them, are seriously discussing the question, whether it would not be better to go out to service and be well fed, with plenty of pocket-money, besides being able to badger the snobs upstairs, a privilege which, I can assure you, is not to be despised. " As for ' Lady Helps,' whatever that very silly term may mean, I suppose they would establish < amicable relations,' as we say on ' Change, with the unmarried males they might come in contact with, and although the mistress of the house would probably be furious, I daresay it might be good for the nation at large. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 59 But this question is too deep for me, I leave it to the female Solomon who keeps writing to the papers on these interesting topics. I would rather be a servant in a luxurious family belonging to the upper ten than a governess ; for my lady does not get five shillings bonus when she pays a bill of two pound nine, whereas, unless I were a downright fool, I should get this in Regent Street at least. Hence spring co- operative stores. But I am getting away from the subject. How dare the thousands of men who have inelastic incomes of from two to three hundred a year think of marrying a wife who must be elabo- rately tied above and below so that sitting down would be impossible, while to save her life from a mad bull she could not spring aside without the danger of most disastrous and splitting results ? How dare they face the hungry if not healthy baby almost sure to turn up rather more than once a year ? How dare they face the chance of twins and still more wondrous and alarming natural or unnatural feats ? How dare they face the awful doctor's bills, the scarcely ever absent nurse ? Ah ! how indeed ? " It appears to me, sir, that whatever cant may say in such a country as this over-populated, under- educated, and luxurious Island is, it is almost as much an intelligent man's duty to abstain from com- mitting matrimony until he can afford it as it is to abstain from drink, or any other vicious habit. Sup- pose, you say, 'There is emigration.' True, there is; but emigration takes from us the vigorous and strong, and leaves us but the weak, the bouches inutiles, and an ever swelling class with brains and education too, well fitted for professions, but not able to find one that pays and is not over-stocked. In YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. truth, dear sir, I feel that the greatest benefit that I could bestow on my own class would be, instead of marrying on nothing and depriving some one else of his fair share of food and love, to slink away unnoticed from this vale of tears and make room for some poor devil who, most likely through no want of his, is nearly starving through the want of remunerative employment. Yes, sir, food and love, I take it, are the two real requisites for happiness in life, to which in cold countries a trifle of clothing may be judi- ciously added ; but surely there is no need for such grotesque and elaborate architecture in modern dress, with all that quaint cockscomb behind. If single ladies knew how these astonishing devices terrify the marrying man with a small income, surely they would in charity defy the milliners, and once more let the lady strike the eye more than the lady's dress. " Now, dear Mr. Seesaw, money, which in the city certainly seems the root of evil, can purchase food, the first great requisite for happiness, and even if it will not buy the love, it goes a long way to make it comfortable. It can surround the love with awful trains, suggestive and statuesque dresses, bijouterie, and all the nick-nacks which your lady, who wduld move in good < society,' that many-headed hydra, requires. If anything stirs my bile more than another it is the reckless way in which poor curates with one hundred pounds a year, or little more, rush into matrimonial bliss, and saying, 'The Lord will provide,' straightway beget a baker's dozen of children, and then call upon the parish to help to pay the butcher's and baker's bill, and to put Tom, Dick, and Harry, and any of their brothers and sisters who YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 61 may be ready, to school. Of course I do not allude to that intelligent and ever-growing class of parsons who, however much they preach against the vanity and danger of the riches of this world, with calm philosophy select some fair one from their virgin flock a flock that is, if anything, more full of faith in their dear pastor's self than in the truths he tells and look more to the fair one's fortune than her charms. 11 Oh no, these clever parsons do not rob their fellow-creatures of their share of food or love. 'Tis right enough, for hardly shall the rich enter into the kingdom of heaven, we are told. Then what a triumph for a holy man to lead the wealthy Edith there, to spend her money, some on charity, some on himself. Whatever cynics say, it must be right. The parents, too, are right to give her to the holy man, for though he may be only as a layman is, his cloth ensures respectability. Oh yes, the parents are quite right. But the other parsons, who do not wear these prudent spectacles, although perchance more honest men and true themselves, are surely very wrong in marrying before their time, and wedding wives before they have a prospect of securing that other requisite of happiness. The value of the food supply is raised by this thought- less matrimony and begetting of children, which the parents really cannot keep themselves. Why, sir, a fourth of all our taxes might be paid by fining heavily the rich unmarried bachelors and spinsters, and by imprisoning without a fine all those who married thus imprudently. Now I dare say, Mi-. Seesaw, you think I talk thus because I have no wish to get married myself. There's no- 62 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. thing I should like so much ; but I don't see my way at all. " Young man/' replied he, " your views are some- what strange, but not far from the truth ; yet still I can't help looking on man's selfishness in this res- pect with lenient eye. 'Tis true I, like the clever parson, married Mrs. Seesaw more as a financial help- mate than because I was much in love, and I was lucky, for never, I think, were more good qualities enclosed in narrow space. Thin as a lath, weak as a cat, with lack-lustre and sorrowful eyes, poor Jane Sipthorpe Sadd lived just three years after we were wed, then quietly retired to a better world and left me one daughter, to whom I will introduce you when we get home. But though there was scarcely enough material in my poor Jane to kindle so gross a flame as ordinary love, besides all her good qualities, she had just thirteen thousand pounds, which if it did not make me love, made me respect her very much. This money, Pinto, was not invested in rotten foreign Bonds, that pay you anything per cent, as long as they can keep on borrowing, not in flourishing indus- trial companies, where ten or twelve per cent, is paid for two or three years, and then the manager levants with all the funds, or takes to drink, not in bank shares, that favorite investment of ladies with limited incomes, clergymen, and orphans, who never think of calls, but live on all their dividends, and do not set aside a single cent, for rainy days. I wonder what the issue would have been if the directors of one of our greatest banks that lost nine hundred thousand pounds by lending money upon worthless bits of paper, instead of sound securities like English Bails, had come before their ignorant and greedy YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 63 shareholders, who never thought of calls and un- limited liability, and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we have lent your money to men of straw, and lost it; indeed, we have lost so much, that we cannot pay you any dividend at all, and our reserve is gone.' Why, if the directors had told the naked truth, there would have been a run upon the bank, the greedy fools who held the shares would all have sold, and the credit of the bank quite ruined for a time. A man or woman who holds bank shares has no right to live on all the dividends, for all-banks must in a certain number of years be liable to break even the Bank of England would have broken more than once, but for the aid of government but should set aside from se- ven to ten, and form a sinking fund to recoup him in event of failure. No, Pinto; Mrs. Seesaw's money was not invested in these dangerous securities, but in a first-class mortgage on another person's land, with ample margin. I used to consider myself a bear of land without having any difference to pay, and I used to wish a time would come when I could foreclose and take in my bear at a low price. I should not care to be a bull of land just now. Some years of great pros- perity have raised the price enormously, and made us think that land will never go back again. This is not true. There is, no doubt, an improving undertone in land ; but after a period of inflated prosperity, it is dangerous to buy even solid stuff like land, unless you pay for it entirely. Suppose land has risen twenty- five per cent, in value through a series of peaceful prosperous years. A man buys forty thousand pounds' worth, and borrows thirty thousand on it. When bad times come round, his mortgage is called in, his bank- ers desert him just when ho wants their aid, and, if 64 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. he tries to sell, there's not a buyer in the field, except at such a price that wipes off his ten thousand pounds. Some day, ere very long, these borrowers on land will find out their mistake. The fact is, nothing short of the actual value of any security, however sound, is absolutely safe. But if the owner of ten thousand pounds had bought ten thousand pounds' worth of land, and paid for it whatever happened, he would be as safe as it is possible to be. In case of war, he might not be able to sell, but he would get a tenant easily ; for surplus-population makes more tenants but not more land, and corn is dearer in a war; and so would land be, if all owners paid entirely for their land. Unless luxury has brought our nation to the very verge of decadence, as it did the countries of old times, land is the finest investment to be found; but one who buys when land is dear, should pay for what he buys. " Well, Pinto, soon after the death of my poor Jane, the panic of 1866 broke out, Upperends burst up, banks came down with a crash, and among the thousands rendered penniless, the gentleman upon whose lands I held a first-class mortgage tried to raise a second mortgage to pay his calls in vain, and failed. Yes, Upperends, whom all the world had trusted so. And since their time how many more great names have proved but dross ; and so it will be to the end of time. Upperends have failed, Sidonia reigns, and if the ' Outside Fools' don't learn much more quickly than they have of late, he will reign long enough to be beyond the reach of even the slightest check. He must feel very sad, this wonder- ful Sidonia. What supreme contempt he must feel for all the miserable fools who fall a prey to his well YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 65 organised machinery. I wonder, Pinto, whether he believes in other worlds, or thinks this life the sum of happiness ? Do you know, Pinto, I admire that man intensely, though I wonder how he can resist the fearful temptations his enormous wealth renders him liable to. I daresay he is anything but happy, if you knew the truth. You see, if one gets to the very top of anything, it is a dismal prospect to look down; the competition upwards is the healthy thing. Poor Sidonia! wealthy as he is, I do believe he is more lonely than such pettifoggers as Nathaniel Seesaw and Erasmus Pinto. He must know that men came to see him for his wealth, and not for hi in- self. I should vastly like, Pinto, just to dine with him once, to see the great leviathan and find out whether the root of evil has left still some traces of humanity. Well, as I told you, my mortgagor, unable to raise a second mortgage on his land, was forced to sell. The estate, which was worth much more than it fetched, was put up for sale. As I stood in the best position, and few had money to invest, I bought it for just one thousand pounds more than it was mortgaged for, and three years afterwards I sold it at a profit of eleven thousand pounds. My losses in Egyptian stocks have absorbed most of what I had except ten thousand pounds, which is settled on my daughter Clara, and will remain so whether she marries or not. I thought before the Foreign Loans Committee gave the coup de grace to all these Bonds I might get out without a loss; but now I am afraid, and know not what to do. This Egypt nut is very hard to crack. One thing is very clear, the stock can't stay where it is now. A rise or fall of twenty per cent, must be on the cards, and I must wait and YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. grill. But I forgot; we shall meet Mr. Levi Gusher, of the People's Bellowgraphic, at dinner, and as he is', among other things, the Egyptian special, and keeps a e of old Stephen Jobberstock and his wife, for when they are separate, they are pleasant social kind of bodies, and you can't tell which you like the best ; but visit them at their own house, and you will see them fight like cat and dog. One word more. Don't try to win my Clara by telling her how you saved her old father from ruin, for although that would make her look kindly on you, gratitude is not true love. Keep your cable, or what ever you call it, clear for genuine messages, and good luck attend you in your cablegrams." We were at Seesaw's door. 110 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. CHAPTEE XXI. HOW THE CABLES OF LOVE WORKED. " NATURAM EXPELLAS FURCA, TAMEN USQUE RECURRET." ONCE more we had met, once more the dear brown eyes had looked straight into mine, and I was blest. As our telegraphic offices were both now in the same room, and the strength of the odic current had been sensibly increased by the gentle pressure of warm hands at greeting, the insulation was perfect, and messages kept flashing to and fro, from brain to brain, from office to office, while both of us sat still, conscious indeed how well our cables' code was under- stood by each, yet caring not to express our thoughts in feeble words. Now, before I give my specimens of messages, I beg my lady readers to observe that Clara Seesaw was, a child of nature, with a healthy proportion of natural passion and affection, and was neither afraid nor ashamed of the ideas that came into her virgin mind. Just as her simple easy-fitting dress allowed each limb to move with supple grace, so did her unconventional bringing up permit her mind to have free play. No, ladies, Clara Seesaw was not like the modern miss, who moves, in " good society," whose manners, thoughts, and dress are the elaborate production of a high-class seminary and West End architect of narrow sacks, of which the two chief fea- tures are a prominent display of femoral symmetry or want of it, and no small difficulty, in sitting down without catastrophe. I hear that petticoats are get- ting antiquated now (the fact is, there's no room inside YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. Ill the sack and they don't show good figures off enough) and that wash-leather tights are to replace the good old fashioned garment's use. No doubt these far-see- ing milliners and dress- builders are looking forward to the fast approaching time when " Woman's Eights " shall all be duly recognized, when she shall wear real breeches, have her vote, shall ask a man to wed, shall be a doctor, barrister, and clergywoman, if she likes, and have a seat in parliament, while man, quite tamed, shall wear the cast-off petticoat, make pies and pud- dings, and nurse babies with automaton content, and be her humble slave. Ye Fates, in mercy hurry on this golden age. Grammaticus, who dearly loves Euripides, and hates the sex, has scribbled here some notes, which I will print to show the ladies what so great a pundit thinks of them. "Come, this is not so bad, and if the boy had written more of it, and much less twaddle about love I might have praised the manuscript, and said ' I think 'twill do for print. ' " Give up their petticoats forsooth, and take to science and wash-leather tights ! In heaven's name, what next? This would have been a prodigy in Livy's time. " Divine Euripides ! how well saidst thou these words, * Oh, Zeus, why did'st thou place these women under heaven's light, a tricksy bane to men ? ' ' Again, "I hate your clever woman. Ne'er in house of mine may woman dwell who knows more than she ought to know. " For love breeds mischief more among your clever 112 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. dames, while simple ones are free from foll} T , through the smallness of their wit." Thus raves this critical misogynist. Ah ! how one genuine message flashed along one of love's cables would surprise this classic prig and set him right. But telegraphic offices must have their proper furni- ture. After this digression, ladies, I apologise, and give you now the messages that passed between your humble slave, Erasmus Pinto, and Clara Seesaw. CHAPTER XXII. THE TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGES OF LOVE. 1. From Erasmus Pinto's Office. " What a pleasant thrill went through my sympathising frame, just when I pressed your hand. " 2. From Clara Seesaw's Office. " How strange ! My hand appears to linger in your grasp, and fain would stay a little longer there. I never felt like this before but once." * 3. From Erasmus Pinto' s Office. " How delightful it would be to spend hours in your presence, gazing silently at you, as at a lovely picture." 4. From Clara Seesaw's Office. k How odd. Your silence is far more interesting than all those spoken compliments, which fell so dead upon my ears." 5. From Erasmus Pinto' s Office. " I will sit opposite you at dinner, and those frank brown eyes of yours shall tell me whether I may hope." * This must have been when I first came to dinner with Mr. Seesaw. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 113 6. From Clara Seesaw's Office. "I must say something. How strange papa will think it if he comes and finds us serious and mute, just like two statues. And yet I would much rather sit still and say nothing." At the precise moment when we both of us felt that it would be no longer possible to keep silence Mr. Seesaw entered the room, and the odic spell was broken. His appearance was a disappointment and a relief. In a few moments we were at dinner. Clara's manner to me was gay and apparently un- constrained, though scarcely so natural as before. This I thought encouraging, for it showed that the messages had not been forgotten, and that the gaiety might be somewhat assumed. I fell in with her humor, and we kept up so lively a conversation that the worthy old gentleman, whose health was anything but good, declared that we had cheered him up, and said he wished he had us both to keep him in good spirits every day. 1 here despatched a hasty message along my cable to inquire what Clara thought of this remark, and looking up, I met her eye, which did not, as it used to do, return my gaze with steadiness, but slightly dropped. A welcome omen was that little drop to me. I at once made up my mind that I would know my fate by word of mouth on the first opportunity. 114 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. CHAPTEB XXIII. CLARA SEESAW'S IDEAS ON LOVE. Oh ! this first love for man, if true woman conceive it, What a world of new hopes, of new joys, of new dreams ! How it gladdens dull life, how it makes one believe it, All golden and bright as to children it seems ! * DINNER was over. After the first glass of wine our host said to his daughter, " You must amuse Mr. Pinto, my dear, as you best can, for as this is the vicar's night for receiving pew- rents I must attend the vestry meeting. Make our guest comfortable, and don't leave him to drink his wine alone. It is a stupid and unsocial custom." After Seesaw pere had left we conversed for a few minutes about general topics, when, feeling that so opportune a chance ought not to be let slip, I abruptly asked my companion how it was that women often were devoted to unworthy objects of their love. " 1 fear the subject is too deep for me," said Clara, with a smile; " but as it has engaged my thoughts I'll tell you what a woman thinks the cause of this, so strange to many minds. I believe that a woman loves to place her affections so to speak, but that man loves not so much from a strong desire to love some one, such as woman feels, as to be loved by some one. This strong wish to place their affections often leads women to glorify an unworthy object, and if that object be unfortunate, or meet with * Lines from the unpublished poems of Salome Pinto, spinster, Erasmus Pinto's aunt. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 115 opposition from the friends and relatives, their love grows stronger still, and they delight in making sacrifices, thinking it a duty to their love. Of course all women with more head than heart, and they are not so few, do not make this mistake. I believe it seldom happens that two lovers feel an equal amount of passion for each other, but that much more often one gives the greater portion of the love, and I incline to think the woman gives more often than receives the love. To love with worship is, to my mind, greater happiness than to be loved. And woman's nature is more fit for this than man's, whose intellect will often make him gladly take the genuine devotion of a woman and be satisfied. And, Mr. Pinto," said this charming woman, with arch look, " perhaps we often love unworthy objects, because your sex is so prolific in those sort of men." "I fear that is too true," said I, "though it is rather sharp on us. But can you tell me why it is that so many married people seem so miserable ? " lt I believe you are laughing at me, Mr. Pinto," replied Clara, " but I will do my best to answer you. Such a priceless treasure as reciprocal love, continuing unabated after marriage, is so rare, because, if we could find it easily, the troubles of life would be almost unfelt, the duties twice as easy to perform, and we should enjoy such happi- ness here that we should be in danger of forgetting the bliss hereafter we are here to try and win. I was much struck with an answer a poor Irish scullery-girl, only eighteen }^ears of age, who was leaving service to be married, made to me. 'Why, Kathleen, are you not afraid,' said I, * of being badly off when you are married? You should save your 116 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. wages up arid wait.' ( Ah, thin, Miss Clara,' she replied, 'I'm not afeard at all, for Phelira he'll bear half me sorrer, and I will get half Phelim's joy; and with our love and pratees we will git on dacintly.' Now, although poor Kathleen has pro- bably discovered by this time that even true love burns more brightly with something added to the ' pratees,' yet that simple arithmetic, by which the sorrows were to be halved and the joys doubled, which I suppose, ought to be the case where the love is reciprocal, seems to show me the reason why such love is seldom seen in married life. If the sum worked out as Kathleen thought it would in ordinary life, the power of evil would become too weak to make this life a trial hard enough to fit us for another world. And therefore, I suppose, it was intended by a higher power that such love should not be often found, and that, when found, it should but seldom last. And this is why we see divorce courts full of applicants anxious to get rid of married ties, and why so many who do not seek legal remedy live so unhappily at home, and why, when two, more lucky than the rest, have found this love, and it would last, the husband or the wife is often suddenly withdrawn from life. " And do you know, Mr. Pinto, that strange as Mrs. Grundy may think it for me to say to a gentle- man, I believe that there are many women in love with men whom they could make happy, but that the conventional usages of society prevent this love from becoming known, because the lady cannot speak, and the gentleman, lacking perception, does not see it. Many fine natures, possessing great wealth of affection, are thus prevented by our social YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 117 system from being happy themselves and conferring happiness on others, and so a great deal of love is lost to the world, although it might have been utilized in opposing the power of the Evil One, the personality of whom I don't believe, in spite of narrow-minded foolish bigots, who read the letter not the spirit of their Bible, refuse the sacrament to honest men who cannot see Satanic tails and long forked tongues, and threaten to resign their benefice, unless their lord- ships of the Privy Council make us all believe this Evil One to be a person such as a blind poet has de- scribed, and artists have portrayed. Oh ! for a little commonsense and charity ! No wonder < Disendow' and ' Disestablish,' are the words so often heard, when we all see episcopal, ecclesiastic, and judicial elephants engaged in picking up religious pins, grave Privy Councillors discussing whether Thomas Jones, Dissenting minister, may call himself a ' Reverend' upon a tombstone, or whether only parsons of the semi-disestablished Church may have this empty privilege. Oh ! Mr. Pinto, why do not these holy men, to whom we look for teaching and example, imitate their Master more, and think of creeds and ' ego ' less ? " But tell me what you think yourself about these views, for many of my sex speak of a woman in no gentle terms who dares to talk so freely on two sub- jects which the cant of hypocrites would say ought to be only thought of by unmarried girls, not talked about?" 118 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. CHAPTER XXIV. ERASMUS PINTO's REMEDY FOR THE GREAT WANT OF THE AGE. " DEAR lady," I replied, " your views upon the second great necessity of human nature, love, food being the first, are very like my own, and I am great- ly gratified to find that my ideas of woman's love are, in a measure, shared by one as lovely as yourself. About the ' personality ' of the Arch Fiend I rather would not talk, but I may just observe that one of my own friends, who dubs himself ' philosopher,' says he is negative, and repre- sents the ' Absence of the Good,' and that another, who is deeply read in ecclesiastic lore, declares there is no evidence to fix the shape, and that he always thinks a painting set with Dragon Sovereigns round, and showing by the skilful artist's brush that deadli- est of hates, the ' Odium Theologicum,' would repre- sent him in the clearest light to common minds. The Dragon Sovereigns would be the Root of Evil, and the ' Hate ' the greatest enemy of Charity or Love, which, he avows, the Bible teaches, rightly under- stood, throughout. This Hatred, like the Evil One, walks up and down the earth, but need not surely be a person any more than Satan need possess a human shape. But of this enough, some men delight in finding stumbling-blocks. " How often we hear the remark, ' How women do hate one another ! ' I think this remark is unfair and not founded on fact. ~No doubt women have rather bitter feelings against those who are more YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 119 than usually pretty, lovable, or attractive to men, and they would be more than mortal if they were not jealous of superior charms in society's great matrimonial race, where, even if the running spin- sters all could win, there would be prizes only for every other one, for marriageable men are, I suppose, just half as numerous as running spinsters are. Besides, two-thirds of these fine prizes are but veri- table blanks, to glorify whom and make an ideal of would require a pretty strong desire on the part of woman to ' place her affections.' as you aptly said. " With regard to the defect in our social system which prevents a lady from making her love known to its unconscious object, except in Leap Year, and which deprives so many ladies and gentlemen of the chance of finding their affinities, their proper number of fractions of love in their very limited circle of acquaintances, I believe I have a remedy. It consists in the establishment of a General Matrimonial Alli- ance Association. Perhaps you will say, ' There are the balls, promenades, concerts and skating rinks.' The rinks are no doubt a step in the right direction ; but at all these meeting-places there is too much exclusive class-feeling to prevent them becoming a national aid to matrimony. They are excellent flirt- ing grounds for Belgravia and Mayfair, but nothing more. "I feel sanguine that the many thousands of un- married persons, who are willing to marry, but pos- sessing only average attractions or a lower positiA than the Upper Ten are unable to meet with their affinity, will, through the agency of my projected Association, and after six months' tuition in the Odic Theory of Love, attain to their desires. 120 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. " Here is a copy of the Prospectus," said I, handing one to Clara Seesaw, who read it with some interest and amusement. I think it is important enough to have a chapter to itself. CHAPTER XXV. THE GENERAL MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE ASSOCIATION (LIMITED). INCORPORATED under the Companies' Acts 1862 and 1867. Capital 1,000,000, in 500,000 shares of 2 each. Paj'able as follows : 1 on application, 5s. on allot- ment. Balance by calls of 5s. at intervals of not less than three months. Patron : The Queen. Directors : Chairman The Eight Honorable Philander Popoff. Deputy Chairman Lord Claudius Guinea Pig. Major General Shoveloff, United Service Club. The Honorable Augustus Matchem, Director of the Surplus Population Diminishing Company. The Right Reverend Masterly Inaction, ex-Bishop of Timbuctoo. Lieutenant General Bamskull, President of the Ladies' Dorcas and Gossip Club. Nitha-niel Seesaw, Esq., Boyfield House, Adelaide Road, and Stock Exchange. Thomas Pinto, Esq., Chairman of the Society for the Propagation of the Odic Theory of Love. With power to add to their number. YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 121 Bankers : Messrs. Kiteflyer, Back bill, and Luvibonde, Loth bury. Architects : Messrs. Toolong, Propemup, and Chargewell, 1, Billdinhouse Yard. Master of the Ceremonies : Captain Orlando Settumrite, Detached House Club. Brokers : Messrs. Seesaw and Turnabout, Change Alley and Stock Exchange. Solicitors : Messrs. Quibble and Quirke, Bedford Eow. Secretary : Erasmus Pinto, Esq. Temporary Offices: 361, Gresham House, old Broad Street. PROSPECTUS : The object of this Company is to provide eligible persons of all classes and both sexes, who desire to form matrimonial alliances, with an introduction to each other on a very much larger scale than has hitherto been possible through the ordinary channels of society. It is an acknowledged fact that many thousands of respectable, well-educated persons, possessing sufficient means to support an affinity, are prevented by the smallness of their social circle, or insufficient time to visit, from meeting with the object required to secure them happiness in the married state. For this purpose all that noble site has been purchased, known as Vanity Square, adjacent to the District Railway, and a large block of houses adjoining will be immediately pulled down, and F 122 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. buildings erected by the Company's Architects, which, the Directors believe, as regards proximity to the leading thoroughfares, and easiness of access from all parts of the Metropolis, will be unsur- passed. The total area of the property purchased is 80,000 square feet, on which will be erected two spacious Halls : a smaller, or First Class, for those who desire to preserve that exclusiveness peculiar to the British constitution in the upper classes, and a larger, or Second Class Hall, for all those who believe in the Equality of Man and Woman's Eights and only desire to meet with their affinity irrespective of the class in which it may be found. The price of admis- sion will be 2s. 6d. to the smaller and Is. to the larger Hall. It is generally admitted now by scientific men that sexual love is not promoted by equality of wealth, station, education, or even similarity of tastes, so much as by a subtle current of animal magnetism, or odic influence, which causes persons, on the sight of their affinities, to say to themselves, ' 1 like or I love that lady or gentleman," as the case may be. Thomas Pinto, Esq., will give a series of lectures on the Odic Theory and the working of the Tele- graphic Cables of Love. The Directors have at great expense engaged the services of Professor Archibald Magnet, M.A., F.R.S., A.S.S., who, having travelled over all parts of the globe, is acquainted with the marriage rites and cus- toms of every race and tribe. He will deliver a series of lectures on this interesting subject. Brokers will be attached to the Halls, who will, YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 323 for a small commission, supply full particulars re- specting the position, fortune, or accomplishments of any lady or gentleman using either of the Halls. Several first-class photographers will be attached to the Halls to supply the affinities who have been chosen by the odic influence and introduced by the brokers with cartes de visite of each other. Eminent doctors will also attend daily, who have devoted their whole lives to the study of nervous disorders, which, there is too much reason to believe, especially in the case of the ladies, arise from the want of an affinity, an object selected by the odic influence. To ensure perfect privacy in the early stage of the negociations, and to prevent even the brokers from knowing the names of their clients, or the selected objects those of each other, unless voluntarily com- municated, every lady or gentleman using either Hall will be presented on entering with a card on which a certain number only will be printed. This card should be filled up with particulars of age (approximate in the case of ladies), position, circumstances or expectations, but no name or address. Gentlemen should state whether they are bachelors or widowers, ladies whether spinsters or widows. When the cards are filled up, they should be left in one or other of the brokers' offices, and there will be given in exchange a smaller card with the correpondiug number upon it. The Directors are sanguine that, by means of these cards and the brokers' aid, not only will bond fides and privacy be ensured in the delicate early stages of the negocia- tions, but that those disappointments will be pre- vented, which in ordinary society are so frequent 124 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. and so disastrous, arising from ignorance of the amount of the Second Great Requisite of Love, viz., the means to keep up the magnetic current, pos- sessed by the contracting parties. This is too often found out when the intimacy has ripened into a warm attachment, which is broken off through want of early information on the money question. In the event of marriage, all objects, or affinities selected by the odic influence or Telegraphic Cables of Love within the Halls will be required to pay a fee of Five Guineas, if selected in the First Class, and One Guinea if selected in the Second Class Hall. Shareholders will be entitled to profits up to ten per cent, arising from the charge for admission, fees in the event of marriage, and a small royalty on the Brokers' Commission. After ten per cent, has been paid to the Share- holders, all profits will be set aside to establish a special fund to provide the Second Great Requisite of Love, viz., means to keep up the magnetic current, and bear the expenses attendant on matrimony. A preference in this respect will be shown to ladies, indeed gentlemen will be rather nominally than virtually allowed to participate. Prizes will be given at frequent intervals to the Ugliest Selected objects of the Female Sex. No married persons will be admitted into either Halls, for fear they should disturb the magnetic currents of the cables or affinities. There will be spacious galleries to both buildings, in which vocal and instrumental music of the very best kind will be performed. Original subscribers for twenty shares will become life members of the First Class, and subscribers for YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 125 ten shares life members of the Second Class Halls, and although after marriage they will not be admitted, their shares will secure them the privilege of admitting two persons free once every day. Under all the circumstances, therefore, the Direc- tors feel sanguine that not only 'will the Company prove a brilliant financial success, but that from the inauguration of this new system of " Natural Selec- tion," by the magnetic or odic current, happy mar- riages will increase enormously, that wife-murder and the brutal crimes among the lower classes result- ing from unhappiness in the married state will sensi- bly decrease, and that the bitter and unchristian temper so often engendered by ill-assorted matches among the higher and better educated classes will be succeeded by content and harmony. It is believed that the nation will no more bo scandalized by those Breach of Promise Cases, which have become a nuisance and an insult to the people's common sense. No artful hussy will bo able, after this, to catch some unsophisticated honest man by a spurious and devilish magnetic current, and when he finds, before it is too late, that she, the hussy, would not make any man a good and honest wife, and draws back from the snare, to make him pay large quantities of root of evil, amid the laughter of his friends, while she, the hussy, enjoys the joke, and root of evil too. The Directors are aware that when a real lady, with gentle susceptibilities, has unfortunately, through the imperfect machinery of society, placed her affections on some unworthy object, and has been deserted by the faithless swain, she, the real lady, does not dare to face a court of law, but cherishing still in her virgin heart the ideal of 126 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. her love, often pines in secret, and would sooner die than sue the fickle one for damages. The lady loses her heart, and often the power to make a second selection, while the hussy, by her artful tricks, pro- cures a decent dowry and another swain. This Company will stay this crying ill. Finally, the Directors call upon all the influential and the wealthy to contribute liberally to the Com- pany's fund for providing the poorer selected objects with the Second Requisite of Love, and for giving prizes to the Ugliest Selected ladies, as by so doing they will be increasing the amount of genuine love in their country, and thereby diminishing the power of the Evil One. All Bishops, Rectors, and Vicars with rich sine- cures and fat livings have here a splendid opportunity of preventing the poor Curate from robbing his fellow-creatures of their share of love by marrying without sufficient means, or marrying for money only, to his own great harm, and they are urgently requested to give with liberal hand, for well they know that not a single sermon they can preach will ever work the same amount of good as the successful floating of this Company. The only contract entered into is dated the 24th day of January, 1876, and is made between Messrs. Seesaw, Turnabout, and Pinto, of the one part, and the Company, of the other, whereby the leases of the premises and the erection of the Halls under the direction of the Company's Architects have been secured, and it is believed that the Halls will be open to the public by November the 1st, of the present year. Application for shares should be made upon the YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. 127 accompanying form, which, with the deposit, should be forwarded to the Bankers, Brokers, or Secretary of the Company. January 28th, 1876. Form of Application for Shares. To the Directors of the General Matrimonial Alliance Association (Limited). GENTLEMEN, Having paid to your Bankers the sum of , being 1 per share as deposit, on shares, I hereby request that number may be allotted me, and I agree to accept such shares, or any less number upon the terms of the prospectus, dated Jan. 24th, 1876, and I agree to pay the calls when required. Name in full ..... Residence ......' Profession ; Date Note. Several influential gentlemen who are large holders of District Eailway Stock have promised their support, and are prepared to subscribe for a large number of shares. And it is confidently believed that the greatest of all living English Ministers who has ever sacrificed himself for the people's good will join the Board, and lend his in- fluence to make the Company's success unprecedented in the annals of Joint Stock Enterprise. 128 YE OUTSIDE FOOLS. CHAPTEE XXY. (CONTINUED.) AN OBJECT OF LOVE SELECTED BY THE ODIC OR MAGNETIC CURRENT. " WHY, Mr. Pinto," exclaimed Clara Seesaw, " if you should float such a Company, the grateful nation ought at once to make you a peer of the realm, and all the single ladies subscribe a trifle to form a hand- some testimonial to the great benefactor of their sex. Suppose two million ladies subscribed a penny each, there would be over eight thousand pounds, to raise a statue in the public squares, to print engravings, and to form an annual Pinto Prize for the best essay on some matrimonial theme, besides an ample fund to buy the silver tea-equipage, or whatsoever your fair admirers might choose to offer you. Don't you think you might extend this idea of the ladies' small subscriptions, and establish in your Halls a sort of Dowry Lottery Fund. I really think this would im- prove the chances of your scheme. I've often heard my father say that he has lady-speculators' names upon his books, and what a splendid field these 1 Dowry Lotteries ' would open up for them to gratify their speculative wish, and do a public good at the same time. Why, suppose ten millions of unmarried ladies were to subscribe only five shillings each, how much would that bring in, Mr. Pinto ?" "Two million and a half, dear lady," I replied, " in sterling pounds."