J 
 
 
 
THE 
 TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 CHRONICLING THE RISE AND FALL OF THE FIRM 
 OF Doc MACNOODER AND THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 BY 
 OWEN JOHNSON 
 
 Author of "The Varmint," 1 " The Prodigious 
 Hickey" " The Humming Bird," etc. 
 
 A. L. BURT COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS NEW YORK 
 
COPYRIGHT, 191 1, BY 
 DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY 
 
TO MY FRIEND 
 
 ARTHUR B. MAURICE 
 
 TO WHOSE SUGGESTION 
 THE BOOK IS DUE 
 
 271623 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I THE RISE OF DOC. MACNOODER 11 
 
 II INTRODUCING THE TENNESSEE SHAD . . 41 
 
 in THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 53 
 
 IV FIRST JOINT OPERATION 73 
 
 V THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 93 
 
 VI A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 137 
 
 VII FACTS LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION . 170 
 
 VIH THE BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION . 200 
 
 IX THE LAMB RETREATS 227 
 
 X LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM . . 255 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 At the time when the celebrated Doc Mac- 
 nooder, that amateur practitioner, but most pro 
 fessional financier, first dawned upon the school, 
 he found the Tennessee Shad the admiration and 
 the envy of the multitude. He had not been 
 a week in the school before he, too, was moved 
 to enthusiasm by the Shad s productive imagin 
 ation productive in the sense of its conse 
 quences to others. Macnooder, at that time 
 unknown, with only the consciousness of great 
 ness within him, conceived at once the mighty 
 ambition to unite this Yankee fertility of ideas 
 to his own practical but imaginative sense of 
 financial returns. This ambition he did not 
 achieve in a day, for the firm of Macnooder and 
 the Tennessee Shad was not finally established 
 until Macnooder, by a series of audacious moves, 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 forced himself to that position where he could 
 compel the Shad to choose between a partner 
 and a rival. 
 
 When the Tennessee Shad leaned against a 
 wall his empty trousers wrapped themselves 
 like damp sheets around his ankles. When he 
 strode forth like a pair of animated scissors his 
 coat hung from the points of his shoulder-blades 
 as though floating from a rake, while his nar 
 row, lengthened head seemed more like a cross- 
 section than a completed structure. 
 
 Hickey, The Prodigious, after a long period of 
 mental wrestling, had given him the nickname, 
 and the same was agreed to be Hickey s magnum 
 opus. It expressed not simply a state of inordi 
 nate thinness, but one of incredible, preposterous 
 boniness such as could only have been possessed 
 by that antediluvian monster that did or did 
 not sharpen its sides on the ridges of Tennessee. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad frankly confessed his 
 ambition to be a philosopher, his idea of the 
 same being that of a gloriously languid person 
 who resided in a tub and thought out courses of 
 action over which other people should toil. 
 
 His first efforts were naturally directed to the 
 [1*] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 greatest saving of personal energy. His window 
 opened, his door shut, his lamp was extinguished 
 by a series of ropes which he operated from his 
 bed. On retiring he drew his undergarments 
 through his trousers, tucked the legs carefully 
 in the socks, which in turn were placed in his 
 slippers, and leaned the whole against the chair, 
 on the back of which his undershirt in his shirt, 
 his shirt in his vest, his vest in his coat lay gap 
 ing for the morrow. As a result of this preco 
 cious grasping of the principles of economics he 
 was able to spring from his bed fully clothed 
 with but two motions, an upward struggle and 
 a downward kick. 
 
 The physical inertia was not, however, accom 
 panied by any surrender of the imagination. 
 On the contrary, he liked nothing better than to 
 propose ideas ; to lie back, lazily turning a straw 
 in his lips, and to throw out suggestions that 
 would produce commotions and give him the 
 keen intellectual enjoyment of watching others 
 hustle. These little ideas of the Tennessee 
 Shad s, so rapturously hailed at the inception, 
 were not always so admired in the retrospect; 
 especially after the rise of Macnooder to the 
 [13] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 practical partnership had introduced the ele 
 ment of aggressive financeering. 
 
 Now Doc Macnooder came with no surround 
 ing haze of green, but fully equipped with the 
 most circumstantial manner. 
 
 It lies in the annals of the Hamill House that 
 within six hours after the opening of his trunks, 
 he had sold a patent bootjack to the Triumphant 
 Egghead, and a folding toothbrush to Turkey 
 Reiter, disinfected and bandaged the foot of 
 Peewee Davis, who had stepped on a tack, and 
 begun the famous Hamill House March, which 
 was a blend of the vibrant reiterations of a Chi 
 nese orchestra and the beatings of a tom-tom 
 man. 
 
 Macnooder s early days, as well as his age, re 
 mained closely wrapped in mystery and specula 
 tion. Many stories moved about ; he had shipped 
 before the mast and fought Chinese pirates off 
 Malay; he had been an enforced pirate himself; 
 he had been an actor, touring the country with 
 barn-stormers ; he had been a dentist s assistant, 
 a jockey, and a Pinkerton detective. Macnooder 
 never absolutely affirmed any of these reports, 
 and he certainly would never have denied one. 
 
 [14] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 He shortly became secretary and treasurer of 
 his House, of his Form, and of each organiza 
 tion to which he was admitted. He played the 
 organ in chapel, represented twenty firms, and 
 plied so thriving a trade in patent and ingeni 
 ously useless goods that he was able to refuse 
 a cash offer from the village tradesmen to aban 
 don the field. 
 
 But Macnooder was not content. He wished 
 a reputation not simply for ubiquity, but as a 
 hero of some desperate deed of valor and cun 
 ning, and so to enter the company of that Mach 
 iavellian spirit, the Tennessee Shad, of Turkey 
 Reiter and of Hickey, the incarnation of mis 
 chief. 
 
 In the days of which I write smoking had 
 still the charm of Eden s apple. Thundering 
 assaults were directed from the pulpit at the 
 Demon Cigarette, which was further described 
 as a Coffin-Nail; and boys whose stomachs re 
 belled smoked with a thrill at the thought of 
 detection, immediate expulsion, disgrace, and a 
 swift downward career, which nothing could 
 check but the gallows. 
 
 Macnooder, either in Chinese junks or as a 
 [15] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 detective to screen his features behind a cloud 
 of smoke, had acquired the deathly practice of 
 inhaling the obnoxious weed, and soon began 
 to cast about for a more safely luxurious method 
 of enjoyment than a mattress beside an air-flue. 
 
 Now, the Hamill House, relic of the old school, 
 was a rambling structure which had been 
 patched and altered a dozen times, with the re 
 sult that each story was composed of several 
 levels. 
 
 Macnooder was hastening down the back steps 
 from the third floor, one afternoon, when the 
 lacrosse stick he carried at shoulder arms, came 
 in smart contact with a beam, with the result 
 that he reached the landing without the for 
 mality of the remaining steps. 
 
 He picked himself up wrathfully, and gazed 
 at the offending beam. It was totally unneces 
 sary, in quite an absurd position, impending 
 over a flight of narrow stairs. The more Mac 
 nooder studied it, the more curious be became. 
 If it was only a beam, it was of extraordinary 
 thickness and height. If it was not a beam, it 
 must be a sort of blind passage leading directly 
 from his room. But leading where? 
 
 [16] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 Macnooder went softly up the steps and, 
 stretching on tiptoes, gently sounded the plas 
 tered obstruction. It certainly gave forth a 
 most promising hollow sound. 
 
 Twenty minutes later, " Jay " Gould who had 
 waited patiently below, rushed up in a swearing 
 mood. 
 
 "Where in blazes is that impudent, cheeky, 
 all-fired, nervy freshman? " he cried, stamping 
 up in pursuit of the greenhorn who had dared to 
 keep him waiting. But at Macnooder s room 
 he stopped in amazement. 
 
 "What in the name of peanuts are you 
 doing? " 
 
 " Hush ! " said Macnooder, pacing the floor. 
 " Twelve feet from the door and six over." 
 
 "He s gone dippy/ said Jay, not completely 
 surprised at this solution of Macnooder s many- 
 sided personality. 
 
 " Twelve feet minus four leaves eight. Al 
 lowing, say, two and a half feet for the width 
 of the passage, it must strike in here some 
 where." 
 
 Jay Gould, keeping a chair in front of him, 
 carefully advanced, studying first the floor and 
 
 [17] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 then the abstracted, concentrated gaze of Mac- 
 nooder. 
 
 " I say, Doc." 
 
 " Don t bother me." 
 
 " I say, dear boy, is anything wrong? " 
 
 " Come here," said Macnooder, suddenly 
 straightening, with a look of triumph. 
 
 "What do you want?" 
 
 " Lift your right hand and solemnly swear." 
 
 " Swear what? " 
 
 " Never to reveal the secret mysteries I am 
 about to unfold to you." 
 
 "Come off. What s the answer?" 
 
 " Swear." 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " I have discovered that the Hainill House 
 hides a secret chamber, a den of horrors, per 
 haps," said Macnooder darkly. 
 
 " How did you find that out? " 
 
 " I first suspected it," said Macnooder, rapidly 
 dramatizing the bare facts, " by a strange, pun 
 gent, ghoulish odor that has come to me in the 
 dead of the night." 
 
 " Poor Doc," said Jay Gould, shaking his 
 head; "he is dippy, after all." 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 Macnooder, perceiving the time for simple 
 words had arrived, rapidly imparted the acci 
 dent of his discovery, ending excitedly: 
 
 " Jay, that passage starts right above the 
 floor of my closet or you can take your pick of 
 anything I sell, at fifty per cent, off." 
 
 Gould was convinced at once. 
 
 " But where does it lead? " 
 
 " Straight over l>ack of your room ! " 
 
 "Back!" 
 
 " Exactly. I ve worked it all out* There s a 
 blind hole about six feet square directly back 
 of your closet. What do you think of 
 that?" 
 
 " Holy cats ! " said Jay Gould, who immed 
 iately bolted for his room with Macnooder at his 
 heels. A short comparison of distances, with a 
 craning survey of the shelving roof, convinced 
 them that, in fact, the greatest discovery of the 
 age was at hand. 
 
 " You see, my room is a couple of feet higher 
 than yours/ said Macnooder excitedly : " I ll 
 dig for it low down in the wall. You saw a 
 trap-door through the floor of your closet and 
 we ll have it cinched." 
 
 [19] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " This must be a profound secret/ said Jay 
 Gould, slightly pale. 
 
 " Your hand ! " said Macnooder. 
 
 Two minutes later, having locked and barred 
 the door, the wide-eyed discoverers were flat on 
 their bellies in Macnooder s closet, Doc stealthily 
 applying a chisel to the plaster which Jay Gould 
 carefully stuffed into a washbag, illegally bor 
 rowed from the Pink Eabbit. 
 
 " It s hollow, sure enough," said Macnooder, 
 when the plaster had fallen. " Where s the 
 saw?" 
 
 " Here you are. Down with the laths." 
 
 " Not a sound." 
 
 Through the dull rasping of the saw the laths 
 gradually yielded an aperture for the passage of 
 the human body. 
 
 " Let s look," said Jay Gould eagerly. 
 
 Through the jagged entrance lay a passage 
 mysterious, adventurous, and gloomy, formed 
 by the meeting of the sloping roof and the 
 floor. 
 
 " Let s explore it," said Jay Gould, all for 
 action. 
 
 " You bet." 
 
 [20] 
 
THE EISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 "Think of finding it!" 
 
 "It s a wonder!" 
 
 " Start ahead, Doc." 
 
 " Take the honor," said Macnooder magnani 
 mously ; " I have had all the fun so far." 
 
 " I wouldn t think of it," said Gould reso 
 lutely; "you have every right. After you." 
 
 " Are you afraid? " 
 
 "Are you?" 
 
 " Let s toss." 
 
 " Beans ! I ll go first," said Jay Gould, who 
 feared neither man or master. 
 
 " There may have been a murder," said Mac 
 nooder, when Gould was safely in. " ff you 
 strike any bones, don t rattle them." 
 
 Jay Gould at once lit a match. 
 
 " The bite of some rats is peculiarly poison 
 ous," continued Macnooder, wriggling like a 
 snake amid the cobwebs. 
 
 The first match was immediately succeeded 
 by a second. 
 
 " Great Lalapazoozas ! " 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 " Look at this." 
 
 Macnooder hastily hauling himself upon the 
 [21] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 passage, found a blind inclosure above five feet 
 square, with a chimney at one side. 
 
 " Have a coffin-nail," said Jay Gould, with 
 perfect calm. 
 
 " What shall we call it? " said Macnooder in 
 stantly. 
 
 " The Holy of Holies." 
 
 " Your hand again." 
 
 " We ll bring rugs and sofa-cushions and 
 crackers and cheese. Eh, what? " 
 
 "Sure, Mike." 
 
 " Say, who ll we let in on this? " 
 
 " It must be a secret locked in the breasts of 
 only a few," said Jay Gould firmly. " Sport 
 McAllister is my room-mate, he ll have to go 
 in." 
 
 " Of course. But not the Walladoo Bird - 
 no elephants that will stick their feet through 
 the ceiling." 
 
 " Well, how about Shingle-Foot Harris? " 
 
 " Agreed ; and Tinkles Bell five ; no more ! " 
 
 " We must take a separate oath of secrecy." 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " Sealed with blood." 
 
 " Quite so." 
 
THE 1USE OF DOG MACNOODER 
 
 kk And brand the arms with a burning ciga 
 rette." 
 
 " What ! " said Macnooder; " all of us? " 
 
 " No o, the fellows we let in." 
 
 "Oh, absolutely!" 
 
 The discovery of the Holy of Holies, destined 
 to be passed down for four successive generations 
 (this is not fiction), unsuspected by masters or 
 uninitiated housemates, still left Macnooder 
 short of the national reputation which he felt 
 was his due. Of course, among the midnight 
 brethren his standing was enormous. But this 
 left him as restless as the right hand when the 
 left hand knoweth not its doing. 
 
 From the floor of Jay Gould s closet a trap 
 door was constructed, fitting cunningly in nat 
 ural grooves with a bolt to be drawn below. The 
 only moment of dire peril occurred one afternoon 
 when Shingle-Foot, having gone into the Holy 
 of Holies alone, fell asleep and gave forth snores 
 that shook the House. Luckily, no masters were 
 within, and Macnooder hastily diverted sus 
 picion to himself while Jay Gould, scrambling 
 into the den, seized Shingle-Foot by the throat 
 and brutally throttled the disturber. 
 
 [23] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Still, the veneration of the inner brotherhood 
 sufficed not. Often of evenings, when lights 
 were out, and they were huddled by the warm 
 bricks in whispered ecstasy lit by the winking 
 sparks of their cigarettes, Macnooder would 
 lapse into revery. 
 
 " What s the matter ?" one would inquire 
 from time to time. 
 
 " I m working out something an idea," Mac 
 nooder would answer, lapsing into taciturnity. 
 
 But the great idea delayed unconscionably. 
 Macnooder s suave good humor turned into a 
 fidgeting irritability. He was only the big man 
 of a House. The nation was beyond these sec 
 tional limits with its call to ambition. 
 
 Dink Stover had not yet arrived with his 
 Sleep Prolonging Devices but Hickey who had 
 not yet left (by request) had already pre-empted 
 the lists of history with his nocturnal exploits 
 and above all there was the Tennessee Shad, 
 the fertile originator of busy schemes from re 
 cumbent positions. About this time a faculty de 
 cree was promulgated against the right of every 
 future American citizen to acquire influenza, 
 bronchitis and the catarrhal substitutes, and it 
 
 [24] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 was solemnly announced that henceforth, un 
 der odious penalties, every boy should wear a 
 hat. 
 
 On the following morning, while the indigna 
 tion was at its height, a joyful ripple spread 
 over the school, which rushing to the fountain of 
 rumors, beheld the Tennessee Shad lazily slouch 
 ing across the Circle, equipped with what might 
 legally be termed a hat. The rim of a derby, 
 stripped of every vestige of a crown, reposed 
 upon the indignant upright of his two flanking 
 ears. It had been a hat and it was a hat. It 
 complied with and it defied the tyrannous injunc 
 tion. A roar of joy and freedom went up and 
 in ten minutes every $3.00 to |5.00 derby in the 
 school was decapitated and the brim defiantly 
 riding on the exposed head of each rebellious 
 imitator. 
 
 The incident concentrated the already pas 
 sionate longings of the young Macnooder. He 
 must pass over the limits of the house. He must 
 rise to national scope. He must prove himself 
 worthy of the complexities of the Tennessee 
 Shad. For Macnooder had that critical enthusi 
 asm for the Shad that the man of practical per- 
 
 [25] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 ceptions has for the irresponsibilities of a man 
 of genius. The imagination of the Tennessee 
 Shad must be turned to practical results, as 
 Niagara, stupendous in itself, has waited for 
 centuries to be harnessed to the pockets of busi 
 ness. He, Macnooder, would prove his right, 
 capitalize the Tennessee Shad, form the firm of 
 Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad, and putting 
 it on a sound business basis, develop it into a 
 source of revenue. 
 
 In this mood he was bumping up the stairs one 
 afternoon, when he came to an alarmed and sud 
 den halt. Directly opposite, from the crack of 
 the Pink Rabbit s door, came a faint, but unmis 
 takable odor of tobacco. 
 
 Now the Pink Rabbit was among the cheru 
 bim and seraphim of the school. Macnooder 
 could hardly believe his senses. He advanced a 
 few steps, cocked his head on one side and drew 
 in a deep breath. The odor was strange, but 
 distinctly of the Demon Tobacco. 
 
 Macnooder, hastily sliding around the door, 
 beheld, in fact, the Pink Rabbit, propped up in 
 bed, reading a novel, devouring a box of taffy, 
 and smoking a cigarette. 
 
 [26] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 "For the love of Mike, Rabbit! What are 
 you doing? " he exclaimed. 
 
 " What s the matter? " said the invalid 
 hoarsely from his couch. 
 
 But here Macnooder suddenly sniffed the air. 
 
 " Cubebs ! " he said. 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " But that s smoking." 
 
 " Not at all. Doctor Charlie prescribed 
 them cure asthma, and all that sort of thing." 
 
 "Cubebs are not tobacco?" said Macnooder, 
 who had missed the preliminary stages. 
 
 " No, you chump." 
 
 " And they re good for colds, you say." 
 
 " Hay fever and asthma." 
 
 " Well, I ll be jig-swiggered." 
 
 Macnooder continued to his room in a state of 
 scientific speculation, halted by the window and, 
 digging his fists into his pockets, stared out at 
 the Circle, around which a dozen fellows were 
 laboriously plodding in penance. 
 
 " Cubebs aren t tobacco," he repeated for the 
 tenth time. " By the great horned spoon, there 
 certainly is something in that idea." 
 
 That night, in the Holy of Holies, Macnooder 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 was more silent than usual, though this time it 
 was with a purpose. 
 
 " Doc s in love," said Shingle-Foot, suspi 
 ciously. 
 
 " I believe he is." 
 
 " He certainly acts off his feed." 
 
 This sally failed to awaken Macnooder. 
 
 " She doesn t love him." 
 
 " She loves another." 
 
 " Poor old Doc." 
 
 Macnooder calmed them with a disdainful flut 
 ter of his hand. 
 
 " I ll tell you," he said impressively, " what s 
 been occupying me." 
 
 " Go ahead." 
 
 " I m tired of local reputations." 
 
 " Oh, you are," said Sport McAllister critic 
 ally; for he thought it was time that even Mac 
 nooder should be discouraged. 
 
 " I am." 
 
 " Indeed ! and what will satisfy you, you 
 conceited, brassy, top-heavy squirt?" 
 
 " Nothing but an international reputation," 
 said Macnooder, disdaining to notice the mere 
 flight of epithets. 
 
 [23] 
 
THE EISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 " You don t say so ! " 
 
 " And now I ve got it." 
 
 " Dear me ! " 
 
 " I ve got the greatest stunt that was ever 
 pulled off in any school, at any time, in any 
 country." 
 
 "Well, we re listening." 
 
 " I ll put it this way. What would happen if 
 the faculty got on to the Holy of Holies? " 
 
 " I d be guiding a plow in South Idaho," said 
 McAllister frankly. 
 
 " The use of tobacco in any form is pro 
 hibited." 
 
 " And punishable by suspension," said Jay 
 Gould. " So says the catalogue. Pass the cof 
 fin-nails." 
 
 " Well, this is what I propose to do," said 
 Macnooder, " I propose to go two times around 
 the Circle, in full sight of every master in the 
 whole place, smoking a cigarette." 
 
 " Kepeat that," said Jay Gould. 
 
 Macnooder firmly complied. 
 
 u Oh, at night ! " said Tinkles Bell scornfully ; 
 " that s an easy one." 
 
 " No, in full daylight." 
 [29] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " And remain in the school? " 
 
 " And remain in the school. 
 
 " Repeat the whole proposition again." 
 
 " Are you a betting man? " said Sport McAllis 
 ter, when Macnooder had stated the proposition 
 the third time. 
 
 " First, last and always." 
 
 " I will bet you," said Sport McAllister, try 
 ing to still the eagerness in his voice, " I will bet 
 you my monthly allowance from now until the 
 close of the year. Take it, it s yours." 
 
 " I ll attend to that bet." 
 
 "What?" said McAllister, hardly believing 
 his good fortune. " You take it? " 
 
 " The word was < Attend. 1 " 
 
 " To smoke a cigarette while walking twice 
 around the Circle in full daylight, and not get 
 suspended." 
 
 " Exactly." 
 
 " Will you write that down? " said McAllister, 
 who began to plan how he should enjoy the bless 
 ings of Providence. 
 
 " We have witnesses." 
 
 "When will you do it?" said Jay Gould. 
 
 " Within one week." 
 
 [30] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 The next day Macnooder caught a cold which 
 thickened considerably by the following morn 
 ing. Despite this, he announced to the expect 
 ant House that the attempt would be made at 
 one-thirty that afternoon. 
 
 Promptly at that hour Sport McAllister, Jay 
 Gould, Tinkles and Shingle-Foot, according to 
 agreement, repaired to the Dickinson House, 
 armed with opera-glasses, and spreading the 
 great news. The word having circulated, the 
 five Houses that bordered the Circle, as well 
 as the long outline of the Upper, were sud 
 denly and theatrically alive with spectators, 
 carefully masked (also according to re 
 quest) by hand-screens and window-curtains. 
 
 " Aw, he ll never dare," said Sport McAllister 
 to the Tennessee Shad, who was furnishing the 
 window. 
 
 " Perhaps he s been fired already." 
 
 " I ll bet there s a catch in it." 
 
 " Why, every master in the place is around 
 now." 
 
 " Sure ; he couldn t go ten yards before Rob 
 inson in the Cleve would nab him." 
 
 "Aw, he ll never dare," repeated Sport Me- 
 [31] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Allister. In the misfortune of his friend, lie 
 found not only a certain pleasure, but a prom 
 ised easing of the money stringency. 
 
 What s that? 
 
 " Where? " 
 
 " Just coming behind the trees." 
 
 " It s Macnooder ! " 
 
 No ! 
 
 " It certainly is ! " 
 
 It was Macnooder, stepping briskly forward. 
 His throat, to emphasize its delicate condition, 
 was wrapped around with several knitted scarfs ; 
 while, besides a sweater, he wore in the warm 
 month of October a winter overcoat. 
 
 When precisely opposite the Upper, and in 
 full sight of the Houses, Macnooder deliberately 
 halted and bringing forth a box, lighted a cu beb 
 cigarette. 
 
 Then, puffing it forth voluminously, he start 
 ed around the Circle. The nearest House was 
 the Cleve, wherein dwelt not only the Muffin 
 Head but Brotherly Love Baldwin, the young 
 assistant, who had new ideas on educa 
 tion. 
 
 As luck would have it, at that precise moment 
 [32] 
 
THE EISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 Baldwin was on the threshold, preparing to 
 cross the Circle. 
 
 At the sight of Macnooder, steaming briskly 
 along his way, he stiffened one moment with 
 horror; and the next, shot violently after the 
 offender. He did not exactly leap forward, but 
 there was in his advance all the growling rush 
 of a bounding dog. 
 
 Macnooder, from the tail of his eye, beheld 
 the sweeping approach and blew forth a particu 
 larly voluminous cloud. 
 
 "Stop!" 
 
 Macnooder came to a halt in gentle surprise. 
 
 " How dare you? " exclaimed Baldwin, almost 
 incapable of speech. 
 
 " What s wrong, sir? " said Macnooder thickly. 
 
 Among the spectators in the Houses there was 
 a sudden terrified craning forward. 
 
 " Throw that cigarette down ! this instant 
 you young reprobate ! " 
 
 Macnooder was seized with a fit of coughing. 
 
 " Please, sir," he said finally, " I m trying to 
 work off a cold. It s only a cubeb." 
 
 "A what?" 
 
 " A cubeb, sir." 
 
 [33] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Mr. Baldwin began to suspect that he had 
 bounded into a trap. So he said with dignity: 
 
 " Were these prescribed by Dr. Jackson ? " 
 
 "Oh, yes, indeed, sir. Of course, a cubeb 
 isn t tobacco. 7 
 
 " But smoking is forbidden." 
 
 "Oh, no, sir." 
 
 " What ! 
 
 " Catalogue only forbids use of tobacco. Cu- 
 bebs are a medicine." 
 
 Mr. Baldwin stood rubbing his chin, thor 
 oughly perplexed. Macnooder, with serious 
 face, waited patiently the outcome of his di 
 lemma. Now, of course, Mr. Baldwin could 
 have ordered him to desist from any public dis 
 play so liable to misconstruction ,and so upset 
 ting of discipline. But he did not; and the 
 reason was the very human motive that actuates 
 the oppressor and the oppressed. He had been 
 caught, and he wanted someone else to share 
 the ignominy. 
 
 When the spying school (who of course saw 
 only a cigarette) actually beheld Mr. Baldwin 
 retire and Macnooder continue on his way, 
 smoking, a spasm of horrified amazement swept 
 
 [34] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 the audience, in the midst of which young Pewee 
 Davis fell from the second story, carrying away 
 the vines. 
 
 Nothing more happened until the first turn 
 had been completed, when Macnooder encoun 
 tered Mr. Jenkins, popularly known as Fuzzy- 
 Wuzzy. Mr. Jenkins was near-sighted; and 
 though he taught mathematics, his perceptions 
 were not those of a lightning calculator. 
 
 When, on the pleasant meandering specula 
 tion of his mind, Macnooder suddenly intruded, 
 he stopped dead, raising his hand to his specta 
 cles to assure himself that he actually saw. 
 
 Macnooder, rounding the turn, saluted re 
 spectfully and continued his nonchalant way. 
 
 " Macnooder? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Macnooder, stopping at once. 
 
 " Er er." 
 
 Macnooder inclined his head in an expectant 
 sort of way until Mr. Jenkins was quite able to 
 frame his words. 
 
 " Are you smoking a cigarette? " said the mas 
 ter slowly. 
 
 "A cubeb, sir, not tobacco," continued Mac- 
 the cigarette ; " breaks up colds, sir." 
 
 [35] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Mr. Jenkins fidgeted with his eye-glasses and 
 stared very hard at him. 
 
 "A cubeb, sir, no tobacco," continued Mac- 
 nooder, allowing the aromatic odor to drift in 
 his direction. 
 
 " A cubeb " repeated Mr. Jenkins slowly, 
 pulling his beard. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Macnooder. 
 
 He waited a moment and tipping his hat went 
 on his way, leaving the perplexed master fairly 
 rooted in his tracks. 
 
 Mr. Smith, the Muffin Head, the next to be 
 encountered, was older in experience, and can 
 nier. Likewise, he had witnessed the last en 
 counter; so, instead of risking his reputation by 
 rushing madly forth, he took up a book and 
 started ostensibly for the library, carefully cal 
 culating his time and distance so as to cross 
 Macnooder s path without seeming to have 
 sought the meeting. 
 
 That there was a trap somewhere, he was con 
 vinced. So, carefully repressing the instinctive 
 desire to spring upon the Haunter of the scholas 
 tic red rag, he approached all alert. A slight 
 wind brought him the unmistakable odor of the 
 
 [36] 
 
THE KISE OF DOG MACNOODER 
 cubeb. Now, as it happened, he, too, had suf 
 fered from bronchial affliction and was no 
 stranger to this remedy. So, when Macnooder 
 came to a stop, he said with a superior smile : 
 
 " Yes, what is it, Macnooder? " 
 
 "Please, sir, did you want to speak to me? " 
 said Macnooder himself surprised. 
 
 "About what?" 
 
 " I thought " 
 
 " Oh, about smoking a cubeb? Not at all." 
 
 " I beg pardon, sir." 
 
 " You have a bad cold, I see." 
 
 "Yes, sir! Yes, sir!" 
 
 " That s very good for it." 
 
 The Muffin Head, chuckling with satisfaction, 
 continued on his way. He, too, in the natural 
 course should have sent Macnooder to his room: 
 but again the little human strain prevented 
 At the entrance to Memorial, he turned an 
 looked back to see who would fall into the tra 
 he had evaded. 
 
 This was too much for the now utterly flab 
 bergasted school the Muffin Head, of all mas 
 ters; the strictest of disciplinarians; the most 
 relentless of task-masters! In rapid succession 
 
 [37] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 the school then beheld a dozen more masters 
 take the bait, some fairly galloping down with 
 rage, others suspiciously sniffing the air. By 
 the time Macnooder had completed four rounds, 
 there remained only Mr. Baranson, of the Gris- 
 wold, who had not been tempted out to investi 
 gate. 
 
 Macnooder made one more round w r ith his eye 
 on the study of the Griswold, hoping against 
 hope. Finally he said: 
 
 "Well, here goes! Someone has put him on 
 he s too cute to come out ! " 
 
 Then, secure and triumphant, he discarded the 
 stump of the cubeb and lit a real cigarette, com 
 pleting, without mishap, twice the rounds of the 
 Circle. 
 
 Now, Mr. Baranson, who rightly bore the title 
 of the craftiest of the crafty, had witnessed the 
 whole performance, chuckling hugely at the suc 
 cessive discomfitures of his associates, and 
 finally guessing the explanation. 
 
 The Muffin Head, on his return from the 
 library, hoping that he had not been seen, 
 dropped in for an artful call ; and at the proper 
 moment paused before the window, exclaiming: 
 
 [38] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 
 " By George, what s that! " 
 
 Mr. Baranson doubled up with laughter at the 
 obviousness of the trap. When he had finally 
 wiped the tears from his eyes, he said in a 
 slightly superior manner: 
 
 " Smith, if you re going to deal with boys, you 
 must use your imagination. You must out- 
 think them. That s the only way, Smith; the 
 only way. Don t walk into their traps, don t do 
 it. Every time a master lets himself be fooled, 
 he loses some of his authority. Imagination, 
 Smith ; imagination ! " 
 
 But an hour later, at dusk, he began to con 
 sider, to w r eigh and to speculate; and the more 
 he analyzed the situation, the more he began to 
 wonder if he had seen the last curtain. He left 
 the House and went slowly toward the road 
 Macnooder had traveled, and his eyes were on 
 the ground where the last cigarette stump had 
 fallen. Suddenly behind him a voice said solici 
 tously : 
 
 " Have you lost anything, Mr. Baranson ? " 
 
 It was Macnooder. 
 
 The two stood a long moment, master and boy, 
 the craftiest of the crafty and the ambitious 
 
 [39] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Maenooder, glance to glance, one of those silent 
 interrogatories that can not be described. 
 
 " Your cold seems to have gone," said Mr. 
 Baranson at length, dealing out his words. 
 Then he added, with a slightly twitching, gener 
 ous smile, " I congratulate you! " 
 
 [40] 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 INTRODUCING THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Macnooder s success in performing the impos 
 sible feat of circling the Circle smoking a genu 
 ine, bona fide non-cubeb cigarette, brought him 
 at once the national reputation he had yearned 
 for, but still left him short of his ambition. 
 The Tennessee Shad had been too long en 
 trenched in his own particular position of public 
 admiration to relinquish a foot of his vantage 
 simply because a new and ingenious claimant 
 had arrived. He considered Macnooder care 
 fully, even solicitously, and listened with delib 
 eration to his crafty schemes of profitable pro 
 moting. He was interested but he was not con 
 vinced. Once or twice before he admitted Mac- 
 nooder s equality he would have put him to the 
 test. 
 
 Such was the condition of affairs when one 
 Sunday afternoon the House was gathered in 
 Lovely Mead s rooms recuperating from the fa- 
 
 [41] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 tigues of a categorical sermon preached that 
 morning by a visiting missionary. 
 
 " Gee, Sunday s a bore ! " said the Egghead, 
 on the window-seat, sticking a pin in Lovely 
 Mead s leg to make room for his own. 
 
 " Ouch ! " said Lovely in surprised indigna 
 tion. " I ve a mind to lick you, Egghead." 
 
 " Wish you would anything for excite 
 ment!" 
 
 " What let s do? " said Macnooder from under 
 the desk-lamp, where he was pretending to read. 
 
 " Let s do something devilish." 
 
 "Ah, December s too cold." 
 
 " I have an idea," drawled out the Tennessee 
 Shad from the fire-rug, where he lay pillowed on 
 the Gutter Pup s sleepy form. " Let s eat some 
 thing." 
 
 At this there was a mild commotion on the 
 window-seat, where four forms lay curled, 
 puppy fashion. 
 
 " Eat what? " 
 
 " I was sort of speculating on a Welsh rabbit," 
 said the Shad in a nasal drawl. 
 
 " That s about up to your usual brand of 
 ideas, you thin, elongated, bony Tennessee 
 
 [43] 
 
THE RISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 Shad," said the Gutter Pup contemptuously. 
 " Where are we going to get anything on a Sun 
 day evening? " 
 
 " I have a hunch," said the Tennessee Shad 
 languidly. " I have a most particular hunch 
 that Poler Fox was seen Saturday afternoon 
 buying a luscious, fat and juicy piece of cheese 
 at Doc Forrnan s. Question to the jury: Is or 
 is not that cheese? " 
 
 Four figures sat up. 
 
 "Poler Fox?" 
 
 " What right has he to a piece of cheese? " 
 
 " This should be investigated ! " 
 
 " It should." 
 
 "It will be!" 
 
 The Tennessee Shad and the Gutter Pup went 
 softly down one flight of the House and along 
 the corridor where Poler Fox burned the mid 
 night oil. They paused and consulted. 
 
 " Had we better swipe it or invite him? " 
 
 " Let s try to swipe it first we can always 
 invite him." 
 
 "Who ever heard of keeping a cheese over 
 night, anyway? " 
 
 "That s right; it s positively unhealthy." 
 [43] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " We really ought to complain." 
 
 "Who ll swipe it?" 
 
 " I ll get him out of his room," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad, " and you rush in and capture the 
 milkweed." 
 
 The Gutter Pup, for good reason, did not trust 
 to the purity of the Tennessee Shad s inten 
 tions. 
 
 " Why don t you- do the lifting? " he said sus 
 piciously. 
 
 " You ungrateful Gutter Pup, don t you see? 
 you won t be seen. He ll know I was only a 
 blind. But have it your own way." 
 
 " No," said the Gutter Pup. " You go ahead 
 and get him out of the room." 
 
 He waited, ensconcing himself on the shadowy 
 steps, until he saw the Shad and Poler Fox 
 emerge and disappear down the resounding cor 
 ridor. Then, quickly gliding to the abandoned 
 room, he stepped through the door, elevated his 
 nose, sniffed and considered. 
 
 Cheeses are not usually left unexposed or per 
 mitted to lend their aroma to articles that are 
 to be worn. He could discard the bureau draw 
 ers and the trunk. He peered through the win- 
 
 [44] 
 
THE BISE OF DOC MACNOODER 
 dow; it was not on the sill. He opened the 
 closet and drew a long, ineffectual breath. 
 Then getting down on his hands and knees he 
 started under the bed. 
 
 At this moment the Tennessee Shad returned 
 with Poler Fox. 
 
 " Why, Gutter Pup," said the Shad blandly, 
 " what are you doing under the bed? " 
 
 " I came down to borrow a trot," said the Gut 
 ter Pup, looking steadily at the Shad ; " and I 
 dropped a dime. I think it rolled under the 
 bed." 
 
 ." You weren t trying to steal Poler s cheese, 
 were you ? " said the Tennessee Shad reproach 
 fully. 
 
 " Of course I wasn t," said the Gutter Pup in 
 dignantly. 
 
 " Cause Poler wants to give a Welsh rabbit 
 party," said the Shad softly, " and he mightn t 
 feel like inviting you if you were abusing his 
 confidence." 
 
 The procession returned, the Tennessee Shad 
 keeping a safe distance from the Gutter Pup, 
 with Poler Fox clutching the cheese as his pass 
 port into the feast. 
 
 [45] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Then a crisis arose. 
 
 " What re you going to put in it? " said the 
 Egghead skeptically. 
 
 " You can t make a Welsh rabbit without 
 beer/ said Turkey Reiter. 
 
 "Eats!" said the Tennessee Shad. "That s 
 all you know. You can put a dozen things in." 
 
 The assembly divided radically. 
 
 "Come off!" 
 
 " What else? " 
 
 " Who ever heard of a rabbit without beer? " 
 
 * I ve eaten them with condensed milk." 
 
 " We made em in the Dickinson with ginger 
 pop." 
 
 " Anything ll do, so long as there s alcohol in 
 it." 
 
 "Oh, murder!" 
 
 " Poison ! " 
 
 " Not at all they re not half bad." 
 
 " Order ! " said the Tennessee Shad, rapping 
 on the chafing-dish. " I guess I ve eaten and 
 made more Welsh rabbits than any one in this 
 bunch of amateurs. Hungry Smeed is right 
 you can make them with anything that s got a 
 drop of alcohol in it." 
 
 [46] 
 
INTRODUCING THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Turkey and the Egghead put up their noses 
 and bayed at the ceiling. 
 
 " Contrary-minded can exit." 
 
 The protest subsided at once. 
 
 " The next best thing to beer is imported gin 
 ger ale," said the Tennessee Shad. " Who s got 
 ginger ale? " 
 
 A silence. 
 
 " Who s got ginger pop? * 
 
 Another silence. 
 
 " Boot beer? " 
 
 More silence. 
 
 " Sarsaparilla? " 
 
 " I have/ said the Gutter Pup, jumping up 
 and disappearing under the window-seat. 
 
 A cheer went up. 
 
 Suddenly the Gutter Pup bounded out. 
 
 " I put three bottles of sarsaparilla there 
 Friday night," he said wrathfully. " If I 
 knew the low-livered sneak that would 
 steal 
 
 " Stealing is contemptible," said the Tennes 
 see Shad softly, while every one looked indig 
 nant. " I continue, who s got any cider? Who s 
 got any lemon squash? " 
 
 [47] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " It s no use/ said the gloomy Egghead. " No 
 rabbit for us ! " 
 
 " We have still our friends," said the persist 
 ent Shad. " I move we begin to sleuth. Re 
 member, ginger ale first but anything after." 
 
 The party went off in couples, all except the 
 Tennessee Shad, the Gutter Pup, who didn t 
 trust the Shad, and Poler Fox, who didn t trust 
 the Gutter Pup. 
 
 In ten minutes the Triumphant Egghead and 
 Hungry Sineed returned. 
 
 " Anything? " said the Tennessee Shad, ceas 
 ing to coax the melting mass of cheese. 
 
 " Nope." 
 
 Lovely Mead came back, and then Macnooder 
 and Turkey Reiter empty-handed. The gloom 
 spread. 
 
 " What a beastly shame ! " 
 
 " And such a sweet cheese ! " 
 
 " My, what a lovely smell ! " 
 
 " Well, we re beaten that s all." 
 
 " I have an idea," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 "Let s try witch-hazel." 
 
 A howl went up. 
 
 "You Indian!" 
 
 [48] 
 
INTRODUCING THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " You assassin ! " 
 
 " Eat it yourself ! " 
 
 " Witch-hazel hasn t got alcohol in it, you ig 
 noramus ! " 
 
 " Why not? " said the Tennessee Shad mili- 
 tantly. 
 
 Every one looked at the Egghead. 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 The Egghead found the answer too difficult 
 and remained silent. 
 
 " Give me the witch-hazel/ said the Tennes 
 see Shad stirring the rabbit with determined 
 swoops. " Now just let me give you a point or 
 two. It s only the alcohol that counts, you jay- 
 hawkers; the rest evaporates goes up in 
 steam." 
 
 " Hold up," said the Egghead, who had re 
 covered. 
 
 " What s wrong? " 
 
 " I don t stand for that scientific explanation 
 of yours." 
 
 " Nor I," said Lovely Mead, whose father was 
 a chemist. " Say, Doc, you ought to know. 
 How about it? " 
 
 Now Doc Macnooder had more than a doubt, 
 [49] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 but lie worshipped the fertility of the Tennessee 
 Shad and moreover was seeking an opportunity 
 to make a direct offer of partnership. So he 
 looked wise and said : 
 
 " The Tennessee Shad is right with this impor 
 tant distinction. The witch hazel will resolve it 
 self into a modicum, ahem, of alcohol if heated 
 separately and kept from contact with the cheese 
 which you understand, in a state of transmuta 
 tion, has certain lacto-basilic qualities that ar 
 rest vaporization. It s quite simple if you un 
 derstand it." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad gave him a grateful look. 
 
 " Say, Sport," said Turkey, only half reas 
 sured, " you may be right, but go slow sort of 
 coddle that witch-hazel. Let it taste more of 
 Doc Forrnan s grocery, if it s the same to you." 
 
 " Sure ! " said the Tennessee Shad. " I ll put 
 in an extra load of mustard and cayenne. Get 
 those plates ready, you loafers. Dish out the 
 crackers. Here goes ! " 
 
 Eight plates stood untasted. 
 
 " Strange how my appetite s gone," said the 
 Egghead dreamily. 
 
 " I don t feel a bit hungry." 
 [50] 
 
INTRODUCING THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Some one taste it." 
 
 " Taste it yourself." 
 
 " Here, this won t do," said the Shad, frown 
 ing. " Let s all begin together." 
 
 Eight spoons made a feint toward the new 
 species of rabbit. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad looked thoughtful, then 
 spoke. 
 
 " Fellows, I ve got an idea ! Let s make it 
 sweepstakes." 
 
 " Good idea." 
 
 " Why, Shad, you re getting intelligent." 
 
 " We ll each chip in a nickel and the first one 
 through takes the pot," said the Shad. " Hun 
 gry, pass the tooth-mug." 
 
 The nickels fell noisily. 
 
 " One, two, three ! " said the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 Eight spoons brandished in the air and rose 
 again empty. 
 
 " Well, let s make it worth while," said the 
 Shad. " Let s sweeten it with a quarter apiece. 
 Sweepstakes, two dollars and forty cents. Hun 
 gry, lead the mug around again." 
 
 Each, as he dropped in a quarter, gazed deep 
 into the mug, drew a breath and set his teeth 
 
 [51] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 two dollars and forty cents was a fortune, two 
 weeks before Christmas. 
 
 " Every one in? " said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " No hunchin , Gutter Pup and Hungry, start 
 fair one, two, three, go ! " 
 
 Not a boy faltered Hungry Snieed won 
 from the Gutter Pup by several strings and dove 
 for the pot. 
 
 Then they sat and looked at one another. 
 
 " Gee, I feel queer ! " said Turkey, with an ex 
 pression of inward searching on his face. 
 
 " So do I." 
 
 " I believe we re poisoned." 
 
 "I know I am!" 
 
 " Honest, no joking, I do feel devilish queer." 
 
 " What in the deuce did we do it for? " 
 
 "Who suggested witch-hazel?" said the Gut 
 ter Pup, clutching at his indignant digestion. 
 " I ll fix him." 
 
 "Yes, who did?" said Turkey, rising with 
 difficult wrath. 
 
 " Tennessee Shad ! " 
 
 Seven writhing forms sprang up furiously. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, with a perfect compre 
 hension of dramatic values, had slipped away, 
 
 leaving his plate untouched. 
 
 [52] 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 Doc Macnooder bore no grudge. Even the 
 recollected spasms of what might properly be 
 termed his youthful /^digestion, brought with 
 them, no feeling of malice toward the Tennessee 
 Shad. On the contrary though his attempts at 
 a mercantile union were continually repulsed, 
 the determination held fast within him to turn 
 to profit what was now only turned to mischief, 
 and accident finally supplied the welding touch 
 in the following manner. 
 
 In those days when the Gymnasium was still 
 an oft-promised land, the winter term, from 
 January to April, was to the embattled Faculty 
 what the Indian season was to the early pio 
 neers. Four hundred-odd, combustible boys, 
 deprived of outlet, cooped up for days by slush 
 and sleet, presented in miniature that same state 
 of frothy unrest from which spout forth South 
 American somersaults and Balkan explosions. 
 [53] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 It takes usually two weeks for the exhausted 
 boy to recuperate from the Christmas vacation, 
 but from about the twentieth of January the 
 physical body overtakes the imagination and 
 things begin to happen. 
 
 Toward the first week of February there gath 
 ered in the Triumphant Egghead s room ten dis 
 gusted members of the House, utterly wearied 
 with life, especially bored with the present and 
 without the slightest hope for the future. 
 
 Outside a steady, sleety downpour brought 
 feeble icicles from the roof and ran rivulets 
 through the muddied snowbanks. 
 
 " Now, it s turned to rain again," announced 
 Hungry Smeed, with his nose applied to the 
 window-pane while his waving heels cast shad 
 ows on the wall. Nice, wet, oozy, luscious 
 rain." 
 
 " Let s all go bicycling," said Lovely Mead 
 facetiously. 
 
 "What time is it?" asked the Gutter Pup 
 from the crowd on the couch. 
 
 " Just two o clock." 
 
 A groan went up. 
 
 "Is that all?" 
 
 [54] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Thought it was after four." 
 
 "What is there to do?" 
 " It s still raining, fellows," said Smeed from 
 the window, and the conversation ceased. 
 
 " Do you think Yale ll beat Princeton? " asked 
 Turkey Reiter at last. 
 
 " Stop trying to make conversation," said Doc 
 Macnooder resentfully, " and don t move any 
 more; you re the deuce of a sofa pillow." 
 
 "Who s going to the Prom? " inquired Crazy 
 Opdyke feebly. 
 
 " Crazy, you annoy me," said Butcher ; " you 
 annoy me and disturb my rest. Don t propound 
 questions." 
 
 "Say, fellows!" said Smeed in great excite 
 ment. 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " It s snowing! " 
 
 The door opened a crack and the Tennessee 
 Shad slipped in. 
 
 " What s doing, fellows? " 
 
 " We re exhausted with excitement ! " said Old 
 Ironsides Smith sarcastically. " We re trying 
 to rest up for the next debauch, you precocious 
 young skeleton." 
 
 [55] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Say, fellows, I ve got an idea," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad, draping himself over the desk. 
 
 " Oh, go away ! " 
 
 " It s a corker ! " 
 
 " Huh ! Another of those witch-hazel rab 
 bits?" 
 
 " No, no," said the Tennessee Shad, hurriedly 
 skipping that disastrous episode. " This is a 
 sensation ! " 
 
 " Of course ! " 
 
 " Never mind let him speak his piece." 
 
 " Let s form," said the Tennessee Shad slowly 
 - " let s form a Criminal Club." 
 
 " A what? " 
 
 Macnooder, with an awakening hope, sat up, 
 wondering if the brain factory was again work 
 ing. 
 
 " Criminal Club convicts and that sort of 
 thing. We ll shave off our heads and go about 
 lock-step." 
 
 " And initiate new members? " cried Goat 
 Finney. 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " And go into chapel to-morrow morning lock- 
 step?" 
 
 [56] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Of course ! " 
 
 " Gee, wliat a peach of an idea ! " 
 
 " Can you see the Doctor s face? " 
 
 " Oh, mother ! " 
 
 " Hurray ! " 
 
 " Hurrah ! 
 
 " Hurroo ! " 
 
 Into the dry pit of baffled energy an idea had 
 fallen, and in a moment all was flame and fury. 
 
 " Shad, this is a good one," said Turkey, rous 
 ing himself. " We ll call it quits on that rab 
 bit only only, remembering the past, we 
 would like to have assurances from you, assur 
 ances and guarantees." 
 
 " I second the motion most emphatically," 
 said the Gutter Pup revengefully. 
 
 The fate of the Criminal Club hung in the 
 balance. 
 
 " Look at this," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 And he removed his sombrero. 
 
 From ear to ear, from the nape of his neck to 
 the blade of his nose, he was as smooth as a 
 china egg. The day was won in a rollicking 
 cheer. 
 
 " Oh, look at him ! Look at him ! " 
 [57] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "Isn t he wonderful?" 
 
 " Bee-oo-tiful ! 
 
 " Me for a convict! " 
 
 "Can you see the sensation?" 
 
 "Bully for the Shad!" 
 
 " Let s do it now." 
 
 " Come on ! 
 
 Five minutes of scurrying to and fro, for 
 scissors and shaving kits, and the Triumphant 
 Egghead s room presented the spectacle of an 
 improvised barber shop. 
 
 " How ll we begin? " said the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " Who goes first? " 
 
 " Supposin we draw for it." 
 
 " Who does the shaving? " 
 
 " We can t shave back of our own ears." 
 
 " The way to do it," said Macnooder, looking 
 at the Tennessee Shad, "is for one-half of us 
 to shave the other half." 
 
 " That s it." 
 
 " Let her go at that." 
 
 Who first? " 
 
 But here a difficulty arose. No one cared to 
 go first. 
 
 " This won t do," said the fiery-headed Gutter 
 [58] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 Pup, repulsing the offers of Doc Macnooder. 
 " If I m going to shed my shade trees I don t 
 trust any man, least of all Doc Macnooder." 
 
 "What do you mean?" 
 
 " I mean no one scalps any of my hair till I 
 get a guarantee off his." 
 
 "Eats!" said the Tennessee Shad. "Gutter 
 Pup s a natural-born kicker. Go ahead, Doc, 
 and give him an object-lesson." 
 
 But Macnooder, though sympathetic to the 
 Tennessee Shad, was on the defensive as far as 
 it concerned the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " In the present state of the Gutter Pup s 
 mind no ! " he said thoughtfully. " No, 
 I ve got to see a nice white boulevard on those 
 red lands before I consent to laying out 
 mine." 
 
 " Will some one else start her up? " 
 
 In the silence that ensued Old Ironsides 
 noisily dropped a pin. 
 
 " Shad," said the pessimistic Egghead, " it s 
 a good scheme of yours, a bully good scheme; 
 the only trouble is there doesn t seem to be 
 enough mutual confidence. I guess the ver- 
 dict ll have to be premature death." 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Shad, old sporting print," said Turkey, 
 "have you any suggestion for harmony? " 
 
 " Nothing easier," said the Tennessee Shad, 
 locking the door and pocketing the key. 
 "There s one guarantee and here s another. 
 Stand up, form a circle, every one face the man 
 to s his right, grab the shoulders of the man in 
 front of you, sit down slowly on the knees of the 
 fellow behind you, the fellow in front sits down 
 on yours, slowly, slowly. There you are. 
 That s the way the Zouaves do it." 
 
 The ten found themselves in a circle, com 
 fortably seated and seating. 
 
 " There s the answer," said the ringmaster 
 triumphantly; "you shave and get shaved, no 
 first and no last; the happy family; safety razors 
 only. Now, get up, stick on the towels and start 
 with the scissors first." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad enthroned himself on a 
 table as master of ceremonies, while the hilarious 
 circle formed about him in a bedlam of exclama 
 tion. 
 
 " How the deuce is Hungry Smeed going 
 to reach up to Turkey? " 
 
 " Stick Mm on a chair, you chump !" 
 [60] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 " I don t want the Gutter Pup." 
 
 " Aw, send him over here." 
 
 " Stop bobbing that head, you Butcher." 
 
 " Shorten the circle." 
 
 " I can t get Crazy s scalp lock." 
 
 " When do we begin? " 
 
 " Say when, Shad." 
 
 "All ready." 
 
 " Let her go ! " said the Tennessee Shad from 
 his perch. 
 
 Pretty soon protests broke out. 
 
 " Ouch ! " 
 
 " Do you think you re biting them off ? " 
 
 " Be a litle careless back there." 
 
 " Say, who s got the Gutter Pup? Murder 
 him ! " 
 
 " Moses ! " 
 
 " Kezowy ! " 
 
 " Help ! 
 
 " Better be careful," said the Tennessee Shad 
 warningly ; " in a moment you re going to face 
 the other way." 
 
 The shears snipped more gently. 
 
 " What do we do when we get through the 
 back?" said Goat Finney. 
 
 [61] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " You lather it and shave." 
 
 " What about the rest? " 
 
 " The front s easy enough ; any one can do 
 that." 
 
 In an hour every head was as bald as a sap 
 ling in a hurricane. They stood and gazed at 
 one another, shrieking with laughter. They 
 hugged one another, rolled on the floor in joyful 
 battling groups, and blessed the imagination 
 that had turned a slough of despond into a 
 vaudeville. On the last stroke of the dinner- 
 bell, solemnly, in lock-step, led by Hungry 
 Smeed and grading up to the mighty Turkey 
 Eeiter, eleven glistening heads in sequence de 
 scended on the dining-room. At the same mo 
 ment, from the north entrance, appeared a chain- 
 gang of eight, equally void of hair, led by 
 Mucker Eeilly, followed by Snorky Green, 
 Beauty Sautelle, Tough McCarthy, Charlie De- 
 Soto, Piggy Moore, Pink Kabbit and the 
 Waladoo Bird! 
 
 The duplicity of the Tennessee Shad was for 
 gotten in the masterly climax he had imagined. 
 The rival clubs met and agreed to proselyte and 
 divide the school. 
 
 [62] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 At eight o clock the next morning, when the 
 Doctor, all unaware, stood in his pulpit, rub 
 bing his glasses and shooting careful glances 
 along the crowded pews, suddenly a shriek went 
 up. Marching proudly with gleeful faces, two 
 gangs of bald-headed boys suddenly appeared 
 abreast, and in rhythmic step came down the 
 aisles amid the gasps, the shrieks and roars of 
 the school. 
 
 Now, there are two things a head master must 
 control: his temper and, above all, his sense of 
 humor. The situation was serious; a smile 
 would have been fatal. Something had to be 
 done at once or within a day there would not be 
 enough hair left in the excited school to tuft 
 the head of a Japanese doll. He set his teeth 
 and stared his most terrific stare at a point 
 where the double row of bald heads faded from 
 the vision. Luckily the service allowed him to 
 stifle his amusement and fan up his wrath by 
 calling up the horrible vision of the threatening 
 epidemic. 
 
 " Never in my experience, in my whole ex 
 perience as a scholar or a teacher," he began, 
 glaring with painful ferocity at the denuded 
 
 [63] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 culprits, " never have I known such willful, ma 
 licious and outrageous desecration of the house 
 of the Lord as you young scalawags have shown 
 to-day. I do not know whether I shall expel you 
 outright or deprive you of your diplomas ; I shall 
 wait until I can consider the matter more calmly. 
 But this I can say right now, if any other in 
 cipient imbecile in this school dares to imitate 
 this exhibition of monumental asininity that boy 
 will leave this school within an hour and never 
 return. I will see these deluded boys in my 
 study after lunch." 
 
 The members of the newly-formed House- 
 breakers ; Union went out quietly, stealing ap 
 prehensive glances at one another. 
 
 At two o clock, as they huddled together in 
 the solemn study, each striving to occupy an 
 unexposed position, T. Dean Smith, secretary, 
 appeared, and, after gazing in fascination at 
 them, said: 
 
 "Well, boys, you certainly have riled the 
 Doctor this time. You d better go back quietly." 
 
 " Oh, Smithy, won t he see us? " said the Pink 
 Eabbit in a panic, while others exclaimed: 
 
 " Is he going to fire us? " 
 [64] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIKM 
 
 " Will lie take away our dips? " 
 
 " What does he say? " 
 
 " Is he rnad as a hornet? " 
 
 " He says he won t trust himself to see you 
 now/ said Smith gravely, without mentioning 
 the reason why the mirth-tortured Doctor 
 wouldn t trust himself to face that side-splitting 
 spectacle. " I d lay pretty quiet for a while, if 
 I were you fellows. Let it blow over a little." 
 
 " Gee ! " said the Tennessee Shad in disgust, 
 as they filed through the gloomy portals. 
 " Can t he have a sense of humor? " 
 
 T. Dean Smith glanced at the curtains of the 
 Doctor s sanctum, but did not reply. Instead 
 he stood on the top step gazing down on them 
 with a sardonic smile. 
 
 " You ll be a beautiful sight at the Prom, you 
 will ! " he said and entered the house. His 
 words fell like a bomb. 
 
 "Geewhilikens!" 
 
 " Holy cats and mice ! " 
 
 " I never thought of that ! " 
 
 " Give me the dunce cap ! " 
 
 "Of all the fools !" 
 
 "Goats!" 
 
 [65] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "Asses!" 
 
 " Idiots ! " 
 
 " My whole family s coming." 
 
 " The family s not what s worrying me." 
 
 " Who started us on this fool stunt? " 
 
 "The Tennessee Shad." 
 
 " Kough-house him ! " 
 
 " Hold up ! I m in the same boat," cried the 
 Tennessee Shad. " Don t lose your blooming 
 heads ; the Prom s two weeks off ! " 
 
 " Two weeks? " shouted the Gutter Pup, with 
 a glitter in his eye. " What s two weeks going to 
 do? Do you think we can get respectable in 
 two weeks?" 
 
 " Nothing easier," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " Hair tonic ! " 
 
 " Fall in line," said Macnooder, seizing in 
 stantly the suggestion. 
 
 The eleven convicts and the eight house 
 breakers assumed a chain-gang formation. 
 
 "About face!" 
 
 "Mark time!" 
 
 "Right, left!" 
 
 " Forward, march ! " 
 
 Lock-step, pounding the ground, they went 
 [66] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 swiftly toward the village and descended on the 
 vendors of hair lotions. 
 
 That night the commercial Macnooder ap 
 peared at the rooms of the Tennessee Shad and 
 found the door barricaded. He knocked gently 
 in a coaxing friendly way. 
 
 "Who s that? " said the Tennessee Shad after 
 their eyes had met, through the keyhole. 
 
 " Hist ! It s Doc Macnooder. Open up." 
 
 " I m studying," said the Tennessee Shad, too 
 tired to choose his lies. 
 
 " Shad I come not to take your hard-earned 
 money but to do you good," said Macnooder 
 soothingly, using his well known formula. 
 "Will you listen?" 
 
 " Elucidate," said the Tennessee Shad, draw 
 ing up a chair on his side of the door. 
 
 Macnooder camping down said with the con 
 fidence that a great idea alone can inspire: 
 
 " Shad, I ve approached you many a time and 
 oft with a few little suggestions for adding 
 a few coupons and bonds to our worldly 
 possessions. You have rejected my partner 
 ship." 
 
 " I have a soul above money," said the Shad, 
 [67] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 moving his ear however, a little closer to the 
 keyhole. 
 
 " This is my last, positively last offer, 77 said 
 Macnooder firmly. "Accept it and we sign ar 
 ticles of partnership, share and share alike, in 
 a month you will drive your own horse and 
 carriage, wear diamond studs and sport a jewel- 
 studded gold pencil, refuse and 77 
 
 " And what? " said The Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " You won 7 t refuse, you can t refuse ! Now 
 listen. 77 
 
 Three minutes later the bolts slipped and the 
 Tennessee Shad led Doc Macnooder to the easy 
 chair and propped him up with cushions. 
 
 That night the joyful Macnooder transformed 
 
 his room into a barber shop, with rows of lotions 
 
 and glassy ointments, announced the Ten- 
 
 H nessee Shad as partner and hung out this 
 
 shingle: 
 
 THE IMPERIAL TONSORIAL PARLORS 
 MACNOODER AND THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 BOSS BARBERS 
 
 CASH, MORE CASH, AND NOTHING BUT 
 CASH! 
 
 Massage $ -03 
 
 [68] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 Friction with any hair encourager 05 
 
 Vaselining 03 
 
 Three-in-One 10 
 
 Two weeks treatment 1.25 
 
 No towels supplied. 
 
 The Macnooder treatment coaxes forth the hair, 
 seizes and stretches it, makes it long and curly. 
 Long and curly hair means social success at the 
 Prom; social success means retaining the affections 
 of the fair! 
 
 Don t hesitate, don t calculate, do it now! 
 
 Come early, come often and bring the children! 
 
 Two weeks to cover their nakedness, two weeks 
 to meet the all-seeing feminine eye. That night, 
 each greased hopeful went to bed with a prayer 
 for the morrow. 
 
 At the stroke of the rising bell the Gutter Pup 
 catapulted out of bed and flung himself anxiously 
 before his mirror and remained transfixed with 
 despair at the sight of two elephantine ears 
 flanking a snow-white cranium that had not been 
 covered over night with hair. At this moment a 
 groan arose from Lovely Mead s room across the 
 study. 
 
 [69] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "Is that you, Lovely?" said the Gutter Pup, 
 fascinated by the horrible caricature in the mir 
 ror. 
 
 " It is." 
 
 " What luck? " 
 
 "Nothing!" 
 
 " Nothing here." 
 
 The door opened on the Triumphant Egghead 
 and Hungry Smeed in pajamas. 
 
 "What luck, you fellows?" 
 
 " Don t ask ! " 
 
 " I ve got a couple of shoots on top," said the 
 Egghead ; " but that s where Butcher Stevens 
 razor missed me. Isn t it awful?" 
 
 " When do you suppose it ll come out again? " 
 
 " There must be something to-morrow morn 
 ing." 
 
 " What will we look like at the Prom? " 
 
 " I m desperate," said the Triumphant Egg 
 head. " I ve got an Apollo Belvedere rival who 
 stays at home. Jerusalem, where will I be now 
 when she sees this ! " 
 
 " We must load up with starchy food and drink 
 lots of phosphates at the jigger shop," said Hun 
 gry Smeed wisely. 
 
 [70] 
 
THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Do you think auything 11 show up by to-mor 
 row? " 
 
 " Oh, Lovely, it must! 
 
 "How re the others?" 
 
 " Smooth as a rink." 
 
 Every spare hour was spent in following a 
 new theory; if persistency and ingenuity could 
 have done it they would have succeeded, or had 
 there been any faith in newspaper advertisements 
 or honor in the labels of patent hair-restorers. 
 
 They rubbed and greased and dosed them 
 selves, they caught at the first shoots and shut 
 their jaws and pulled, morning, afternoon and 
 night, and at last, when the inexorable Prom, 
 came galloping in, they went in hangdog fashion, 
 balking and blushing, to meet the shrieks that 
 greeted their first bow. 
 
 That night the Tennessee Shad sat among the 
 lonely anti-fussers who roosted on the chilly edges 
 of the Esplanade and scoffed at the gayety 
 within. 
 
 It was cold, uncomfortably cold, and one by 
 one the frost-nipped spectators slipped away un 
 til only the Tennessee Shad remained, fascinated. 
 [71] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 As each stubble-covered, flap-eared dupe bumped 
 his embarrassed way into view he half closed his 
 eyes and smiled a contented, far-away smile. 
 The Tennessee Shad had never danced! 
 
 [72] 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 The returns from the two weeks of rushing 
 business of the Imperial Tonsorial Parlors made 
 quite a respectable dividend to celebrate the in 
 ception of the firm, especially as the Triumphant 
 Egghead, who was in difficult competition for 
 the affections of a blonde, had plunged desper 
 ately in the vaselining and the massage. 
 
 The formation of the firm was still a matter 
 of secrecy, unsuspected by the public, a fact 
 which alone made possible the next operation. 
 
 When January and February have been en 
 dured, the limbo month of March is certainly the 
 most fatiguing of the whole year. It belongs 
 neither to the winter family nor to the aristoc 
 racy of the spring. It is peevish, malicious and 
 the spirit of negation. When it shines overhead, 
 with vaulted blues and lazy clouds that invite 
 soaring baseballs to them, it is treacherous and 
 
 [73] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 foul underfoot. When it snows it brings no 
 sleighing. When it freezes it is not to spread the 
 pond for skating, but to harden the mud ruts and 
 delay the opening of the diamonds. Month of 
 corduroys and leathern boots, of waiting and 
 longing, when sinkers overrun the table and the 
 vegetables taste of the can, when the greatest 
 boon is a case of pink-eye or German measles 
 (real or feigned), which gives you the right to 
 doze and browse and play games with other for 
 tunate inmates of the infirmary on the Hill. 
 
 The Triumphant Egghead sat on the ledge of 
 the Esplanade and expressed these sentiments in 
 more direct terms, while his whole conception of 
 existence was centered in making a tennis-ball 
 strike the shoulder of an opposite ledge so as to 
 bound back into his hands. From an upper win 
 dow the Gutter Pup and Lovely Mead looked out 
 in disgust at the sky because it had no sun, at 
 the earth because it was unfit to gambol on, 
 and more particularly at the Triumphant Egg 
 head for having enough energy to sit there and 
 bounce a ball. 
 
 Presently the Egghead s fingers slipped and 
 the ball, escaping, rolled away. He watched it 
 
 [74] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 streak wetly down the Esplanade, hesitate and 
 Jbhen topple down the steps and trickle languidly 
 along the slimy surface, coating itself with rich 
 yellow ooze. Then, falling off the ledge, he 
 stretched himself and shuffled heavily up to join 
 the Gutter Pup in Turkey Reiter s room. 
 
 " My, you re energetic ! " said Lovely Mead. 
 
 The Egghead grunted, selected a soft spot and 
 lay down. 
 
 The Gutter Pup continued gazing out the win 
 dow with malicious joy at Cap Keefer and the 
 candidates returning from their mud bath in the 
 baseball cage. 
 
 " Hello ! " he said suddenly. " There goes 
 Doctor Charlie into the Dickinson with his little 
 green bag." 
 
 " Wonder who s sick," said the Egghead. 
 " Lucky fellow ! " 
 
 " Wish I were," said Turkey Reiter. 
 
 " Same here," said the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " It s such a pleasure to be ill with Doctor 
 Charlie," said Lovely Mead ruminatively. " He 
 has such nice little white pills and such round 
 brown pills and such great big black pills that 
 decorate a mantelpiece so nicely ! " 
 
 [75] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Think of sleeping two luscious weeks at the 
 infirmary." 
 
 "Hum!" 
 
 "Don t Turkey, don t it s cruel." 
 
 " Why, here comes the Tennessee Shad," said 
 the lookout, " just as fast as he can come. My, 
 just see how he hops along ! " 
 
 " He d better keep away from here," said the 
 Egghead, running his hand over the still prickly 
 hairs. 
 
 " He will, if he knows what s good for him," 
 remarked Turkey Reiter. 
 
 " I only wish he would drop in ! " said the Gut 
 ter Pup, doubling up his fists and annihilating a 
 sofa pillow. 
 
 " I think, fellows," said the Egghead, squirm 
 ing to and fro so as to scratch his back, " I say 
 I think the Tennessee Shad s usefulness in this 
 community it just about over." 
 
 " He won t catch me again," said the Gutter- 
 Pup. " If he brought me a ten-dollar guaranteed 
 goldpiece on a solid silver platter I wouldn t so 
 much as reach out my hand for it." 
 
 " His murder would be quite justifiable," said 
 the Egghead, thinking of the Prom. " It will 
 
 [76] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 take me a couple of natural lives to live down 
 the effect of that hair-cut. I was not beauti 
 ful." 
 
 "Ugh!" 
 
 Don t don t recall it ! " 
 
 " Gee, my girl s stopped corresponding." 
 
 At this moment the Tennessee Shad opened the 
 door, inserted a cautious portion of his sharp fea 
 tures and said genially : 
 
 " Ah, there ! " 
 
 Three vicious sofa cushions slam-banged 
 against the door, accompanied by an explosion 
 of wrath. 
 
 " Get out ! " 
 
 "Cut loose!" 
 
 " Vanish ! " 
 
 " Hold up," said the Tennessee Shad, opening 
 the door again. " I ve got an idea ! " 
 
 Two books and a couple of slippers came 
 smashing through the air. 
 
 " You ll regret it," said the Shad, bobbing in 
 and out. 
 
 The Gutter Pup banged the door and locked it. 
 Outside was heard the scraping of a chair along 
 the hall, then the transom turned and the glit- 
 [77] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 tering eyes of the Tennessee Shad appeared over 
 the door. 
 
 " Shad, you are a brave man," said Turkey 
 Belter ominously. " Go away do go away 
 while we can still control ourselves." 
 
 " Fellows, I have come to apologize," said the 
 Tennessee Shad, while the chair squeaked pro- 
 testingly, 
 
 " Keep your apologies," said Lovely Mead. 
 " We loathe the sight of you. Get out ! " 
 
 " To apologize and atone," added the Tennes 
 see Shad, keeping a watchful eye on the Gutter 
 Pup, who was reaching out for a baseball bat. 
 
 " Atone ! " said the Egghead with a bitter 
 laugh. " Much good that ll do me." 
 
 " Yes, atone, Egghead," said the Shad firmly. 
 " I m sorry; I feel bad I do feel bad. I ll ad 
 mit that my ideas sometimes miscarry, but I have 
 had good ones you know I ve had good ones, 
 and this idea is a good one ! " 
 
 The Gutter Pup raised the baseball bat, but 
 Turkey Keiter restrained him. 
 
 " No, Gutter Pup ; let s hear it," he said ; " let s 
 know the depth of his depravity. Let s have no 
 illusions about him." 
 
 [78] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 " I ll back my idea/ 7 said the Tennessee Shad 
 stoutly. 
 
 " How ll you back it? " 
 
 "I ll tell you how I ll back it. I ll back it 
 against all you fellows the whole longeared 
 lot of you. You let me in and promise to keep 
 your hands off me till you hear my idea and, if 
 you don t fall down and kiss my hand and say : 
 6 Shad you re a public benefactor; can you ever, 
 ever forgive us? if you don t say that, well, 
 I m willing to be massacred any time or any how. 
 Now, can you imagine what sort of an idea it 
 is?" 
 
 The four looked mutely at one another. Fi 
 nally Turkey spoke. 
 
 " Tennessee Shad, you always did have a per 
 suasive, silvery voice, and as my fondest hope for 
 the future is to be associated with you in selling 
 anything to anybody I m going to let you in. 
 Pup, let down that bat. Egghead, open the 
 door." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad glided in, locked the door 
 in turn and shut the transom with much mys 
 tery. 
 
 " First," he said, " give me your word of honor 
 [79] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 that you ll keep this a dead secret. No blabbing 
 and no one else to be let in on it. Promise." 
 
 " Hold up, this wasn t in the agreement," said 
 the Egghead stubbornly. 
 
 " No promise, no secret ! " 
 
 " That s fair," said Turkey. 
 
 They raised their right hands and solemnly 
 swore. 
 
 " And no mental reservations," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad severely, looking at the Gutter Pup, 
 " if you re gentlemen ! " 
 
 " Of course not. Say, what do you think we 
 are? " 
 
 " All right." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad climbed on a chair and 
 roosted on the back in his familiar manner, 
 plucked forth a pencil, chewed it meditatively 
 and said : 
 
 " Are you happy ? " 
 
 " What the deuce has that got to do with it? " 
 said the Gutter Pup, tightening his grip on the 
 baseball bat, while the Egghead added irately : 
 
 " Turkey, it s a con game he s kidding us." 
 
 " Oh, let him tell it his own way," said Turkey. 
 
 " Are you happy ? Are you cheerful ? " con- 
 [80] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 tinued the Tennessee Shad pursuing the Socratic 
 method. "Do you enjoy your meals? Do the 
 words fresh vegetables mean anything to your 
 jaded appetites? Do they? " 
 
 " Go on, and don t be idiotic/ 
 
 " Does the prospect of wallowing two weeks in 
 the mud fill your soul with rapture? Are you 
 still eager to rise at an unearthly hour, to eat 
 the deadly sinker and the scrag bird? " 
 
 " What are you driving at? " said Turkey, 
 mystified. " You know the answers as well as 
 we do. What s your scheme? " 
 
 " How would the idea of spending these next 
 two weeks like this appeal to you? " said the Ten 
 nessee Shad, pointblank : " Sleeping late, eating 
 cream in your coffee not cream, but real cream 
 thick, lumpy, soggy cream no chapel, no re 
 citations nothing! Would two weeks in the 
 infirmary appeal to you as an idea? " 
 
 " Would it? " said Lovely Mead, opening his 
 eyes. " Jemima ! " 
 
 The Gutter Pup put away the baseball bat, 
 leaning it gently in the corner. 
 
 " Think of nothing to do all day long," contin 
 ued the Tennessee Shad, half shutting his eyes, 
 
 [81] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 " but to read novels and play cards and games ! 
 Think of having special steaks and nice, juicy 
 chops to build up your delicate bodies ! " 
 
 " Oh, Shad ! " cried the converted Gutter Pup. 
 " How are you going to work it? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad came back to earth, gave 
 a vicious last bite on his pencil, pocketed it, 
 slapped his knee and cried : 
 
 " German measles ! " 
 
 " German measles? " repeated the four. 
 
 "Shad!" 
 
 " You don t mean it ! " 
 
 "Who s got em?" 
 
 "Oh, joy!" 
 
 Now, German measles are not an affliction, 
 but a dispensation of Providence, and the boy 
 who in the month of March is thus blessed and 
 discovers it before the doctor does is in honor 
 bound to share his good fortune with his neigh 
 bors. 
 
 " I know," said the Gutter Pup suddenly. 
 " It s over in the Dickinson. I saw Doctor Char 
 lie trotting in." 
 
 " Naw! " said the Tennessee Shad disdainfully. 
 " I ve looked into that that s nothing but Wee- 
 
 [82] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 Wee Logan faking up a case of pink-eye. Mine s 
 the real, genuine article. Are you on? " 
 
 " Are we on? " 
 
 " Say, just lead us up to him ! " 
 
 " Quick ! " 
 
 " It s Doc Macnooder, on the second floor," said 
 the Tennessee Shad. " But, mind, only we four 
 get in on this. We don t want to sleep two in a 
 bed." 
 
 " But, Shad, how do you know? " 
 
 " How can you be sure? " 
 
 " Doc knows the symptoms," said the Shad. 
 " He s had em before ; besides, he s going to be a 
 doctor." 
 
 " For Heaven s sake, fellows, let s get to him." 
 
 " We mustn t lose a minute." 
 
 " Come on." 
 
 " Hold up," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " There s a condition attached to it." 
 
 The four seekers after infection drew up and 
 eyed the glib impressario. 
 
 " There generally is a string to your ideas," 
 said the Gutter Pup ; " and we re getting very 
 much to dislike those strings." 
 
 igl 
 
 [83] 
 
 " That s dead right ! " 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " I wouldn t get too careless this time, young 
 sporting life ! " 
 
 u I never saw such a distrustful bunch," said 
 the Tennessee Shad ; " and the whole thing is to 
 protect you, too." 
 
 " What do you mean? " 
 
 " I mean this," said the Tennessee Shad with 
 an injured air. " I drew up a contract with Doc 
 that we get exclusive rights and have to pay 
 him a dollar down. Do you want the whole 
 House started for the infirmary before we can 
 get a look-in? If you don t think it s worth a 
 quarter oh, well I guess I can find " 
 
 " Excuse me," said Turkey Eeiter, pulling out 
 a coin, " you are a miracle of foresight." 
 
 " Pardon me," said the Gutter Pup, making 
 change. 
 
 " Will this bright new quarter do? " said Egg 
 head. 
 
 " You fellows ought to think twice before you 
 shout," said Lovely Mead, completing the dollar. 
 
 " I had German measles second-form year," 
 said the Egghead as they descended the stairs. 
 " They re delightful ! " 
 
 [84] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 " How long does it take to catch em? " asked 
 the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " About a week." 
 
 " That s an awful time to wait ! " 
 
 " Hush, here we are," said the Tennessee Shad, 
 stopping and knocking on door 48. 
 
 A slight swishing sound was heard on the other 
 side and a catarrhal voice said : 
 
 " Who s there? " 
 
 " It s me," said the Tennessee Shad. It s all 
 right, Doc ; open up." 
 
 The key turned and they filed into a room en 
 cased with green, black and blue bottles ar 
 ranged on shelves, heaped in corners, scattered 
 everywhere. 
 
 Macnooder, swathed in neck-cloths, dressed in 
 a green-and-blue bathgown, red Mephistopheles 
 slippers and violet garters, sank back into an 
 easy-chair and disappeared a moment behind a 
 voluminous handkerchief. 
 
 The four proselytes stood by the door. 
 
 " Say, old sporting Tootlets," said the cautious 
 Turkey, " German measles is most pleasant, but 
 real measles isn t what we re looking for. What s 
 
 [85] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 to guarantee us we get what we pay our money 
 for and not a gold brick?" 
 
 " You can t have measles twice, you ignora 
 mus," said Macnooder with a sneeze. " I had em 
 four years ago." 
 
 " You ll guarantee us? " said the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " Not to have measles? Sure, I will. I ll post 
 a forfeit, five apiece." 
 
 " That s good, straight talk," said the Tennes 
 see Shad briskly. " Don t be an ass, Gutter 
 Pup. Now, Doc, if you ll give us your word 
 not to let any one else in on this, here s that dol 
 lar we agreed upon." 
 
 " So help me ! " said Macnooder, jingling the 
 coins in his pocket. 
 
 " Hold up there," broke in Lovely Mead ; " all 
 very well, but how re we going to know you ll 
 carry out the bargain? " 
 
 " He s going to Trenton this afternoon," said 
 the Tennessee Shad. " He s got an aunt living 
 there." 
 
 "Is that so, Doc?" 
 
 " Just as soon as I get through with you fel 
 lows and get in Doctor Charlie." 
 
 " Well," said Turkey, " I don t see but what 
 it s a go." 
 
 [86] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 Macnooder rose, drew a carpet over the crack 
 under the door, stuffed the keyhole with cotton 
 and lit an alcohol lamp. 
 
 " What s that for? " said the Egghead, whom 
 the presence of so many labeled bottles rendered 
 uneasy. 
 
 " Cold kills germs, heat develops them," said 
 Doc with a superior air. " Come on, Shad, you 
 first!" 
 
 The Tennessee Shad seated himself opposite, 
 touching knees and foreheads, while the others 
 looked on in fascinated admiration. 
 
 " Grab my hands," said Doc solemnly, " and 
 take long breaths." 
 
 One week later the Gutter Pup began to cough, 
 Lovely Mead to sneeze and Turkey Reiter and the 
 Triumphant Egghead to snuff and sniffle; only 
 the Tennessee Shad remained disconsolate. 
 Doctor Charlie, joyfully summoned, found the 
 five waiting in Turkey Reiter s room, applied a 
 thermometer and looked very solemn. 
 
 " Catarrhal symptoms and febrile disturb 
 ance," he said. " Pack up your things and get 
 right up to the infirmary." Then, considering 
 the Tennessee Shad thoughtfully, he added: 
 
 [87] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 " You have a slightly heightened temperature, 
 but that may be only imagination. However, I 
 think I won t risk it; you go up, too." 
 
 An hour later the five were shaking hands and 
 slapping one another on the back in the cozy par 
 lor of the infirmary. 
 
 " Well, you old growlers," said the Tennessee 
 Shad proudly, " are my ideas always useless? " 
 
 " Shad," said Turkey, " you are reinstated in 
 our affections. We love you. You are our pride 
 and joy." 
 
 " I hope," said the Egghead, drawing up by 
 the crackling fire, " that it ll rain and slush the 
 whole time we re here." 
 
 " Gee, it certainly is good indoors," said Lovely 
 Mead, squatted before the bookshelves. 
 
 "What ll come next?" said the Gutter Pup 
 with thick speech. " I certainly have got you all 
 beat on the snuffles." 
 
 " Look out for a little pink rash to-morrow 
 morning," said the Egghead wisely. 
 
 "Does it itch bad?" 
 
 " Naw, it only tickles for a day." 
 
 " I suppose we ll have to stay in bed one day 
 at least." 
 
 [88] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 The Tennessee Shad stood, legs akimbo, gaz 
 ing into the fire. 
 
 " Why so silent, old Shad? " said the Trium 
 phant Egghead. 
 
 " I don t understand it," 
 
 " Understand what? " 
 
 "Why I didn t take," said the Shad deject 
 edly, " I haven t any symptoms at all. I 
 faked up a temperature, but I can t keep that 
 up." 
 
 " Old sporting life," said Turkey with a grin, 
 
 " this is one on you ! " 
 
 " It certainly is, Shad," said the Egghead with 
 a chuckle. 
 
 " Poor old Shad ! " said the Gutter Pup, wink 
 ing at the others. " What an awful sell. But it 
 was coming to you, old hoss; it certainly was 
 coming to you." 
 
 " You ungrateful, spiteful little beast," said 
 the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 There never was such a dinner as they sat 
 down to that night. 
 
 " My, what a steak," said the Gutter Pup 
 languidly ; " soft and red and juicy." 
 
 " Say, are these mashed potatoes? " 
 [89] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " A little more, please." 
 
 " Um if there s anything I love it s creamed 
 onions." 
 
 " Ice cream for dessert." 
 
 " No? " 
 
 " Fact coffee ice cream." 
 
 " Say, was that a tomato soup, eh? " 
 
 " Think of a week of this! " 
 
 " Pass my plate." 
 
 " Let s begin all over again." 
 
 " Hope you stay with us, Shad." 
 
 " Shut up," said Shad, "and be a gentleman 
 with those onions ! " 
 
 They slept late, had breakfast in bed and rose 
 just in time to drop in to lunch. 
 
 "Why, where s the Shad?" said Turkey Rei- 
 ter. 
 
 " He s gone." 
 
 " Fired ! " 
 
 "Thrown out!" 
 
 "Hurray!" 
 
 They took their knives and forks and beat a 
 gleeful tattoo on the table, then burst into peals 
 of laughter. 
 
 " This is where we score." 
 [90] 
 
FIRST JOINT OPERATION 
 
 " Oh, mamma, what a story to tell on the 
 Shad!" 
 
 " Will we tell it? " 
 
 " Oh, no ! " 
 
 "Are we it?" 
 
 They rose and shook hands, then sat down and 
 looked at one another critically. 
 
 "Say, where s the little pink rash?" 
 
 " Search me." 
 
 " I haven t got it." 
 
 " Nor me." 
 
 " It ought to have come," said the Egghead 
 thoughtfully. 
 
 " I feel bum enough to have a dozen, all right." 
 
 " Shut up ! " said the Egghead, jumping up so 
 as to catch the first view, " here comes lunch ! " 
 
 " What is it? " 
 
 "Veal cutlet." 
 
 " With brown sauce? " 
 
 " Brown sauce fresh peas and tomatoes ! " 
 
 " Say, sports," said Turkey Reiter suddenly, 
 " is this cutlet tough to you? " 
 
 " It certainly is." 
 
 " It cuts all right." 
 
 " Well, it hurts me to chew it." 
 [91] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 The Egghead laid down his knife and fork 
 with a clatter. 
 
 " Why, Egghead, what s wrong? " 
 
 " Do your jaws ache? " 
 
 "Sure!" 
 
 They do." 
 
 " Have you ever had the mumps? " 
 
 " No ! " cried in horror Turkey, the Gutter 
 Pup and Lovely Mead. 
 
 " Well, you have them ! " 
 
 They not only had the mumps, but they had 
 them violently, outrageously, swollen to ridicu 
 lous proportions. On the third day, while the 
 Gutter Pup from his bed was gazing in the op 
 posite mirror at a face that looked like a chip 
 munk with a cocoanut in either cheek, a word of 
 consolation came to him in the shape of the fol 
 lowing scrawl: 
 
 Say, Gutter Pup, it was all Macnooder. 
 I didn t know honest, I didn t. Square 
 me with Turkey. 
 
 Yours, 
 
 SHAD. 
 
 P. 8. I ve had the mumps. 
 [92] 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 Shortly after the firm of Macnooder and the 
 Tennessee Shad had been established on a divi 
 dend basis, they discovered to their alarm that 
 the scope of the future operations was exactly 
 limited by the lustre of their past successes. 
 Not that there was any stop in the output of 
 fertile ideas or astute practical financiering. 
 The trouble was, to use Wall Street phraseology, 
 with the market and the lambs. If Macnooder 
 sought to launch an idea he was greeted with de 
 risive smiles and the cry : 
 
 " Fine, tell it to the Tennessee Shad ! " 
 
 When the Tennessee Shad languidly and art 
 fully proposed, the reply was similar and more 
 insulting : 
 
 " Try it on Macnooder, you assassin and bunco 
 steerer! " 
 
 Famine set in relentlessly and there is no tell 
 ing what might have happened had not chance 
 
 [93] 
 
 i 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 as shall be related brought them a victim made 
 to order and a field of exploitation which for a 
 time seemed more inexhaustible than the dia 
 mond field of Africa. Had either the avarice 
 of Doc Macnooder or the mischievious imagina 
 tion of the Tennessee Shad been capable of re 
 straint, the firm might have gone the full course 
 in fattening prosperity; but as both were but 
 mortal, the speculation was profitable but un 
 fortunately short. Here endeth the parenthesis. 
 
 When Montague Skinner had completed six 
 teen gentle and luxurious years in the hansoms 
 and continuous vaudevilles of New York City, it 
 chanced that the select private school which he 
 reluctantly graced, becoming unduly elated 
 with the phenomenally triumphant eleven which 
 represented it, issued a challenge and bore down 
 on The Lawrenceville School, Lawrenceville, 
 New Jersey, with a betting commissioner and 
 faces which they desperately strove to render 
 without malice or guile. 
 
 As the hospitality of their hosts saw them to 
 the Trenton depot, they reached New York on 
 their return trip tickets and arrived at their 
 homes, delaying the cab-driver no longer than 
 
 [94] 
 
THE FIKM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 the time required to borrow the fares from their 
 sympathetic butlers. The Metropolitan papers 
 obligingly concealed the score in obscure corners 
 while the business manager hurriedly revised the 
 schedule for the ensuing season, excusing himself 
 to the Lawrenceville Football Association on the 
 ground that the two hours required to make the 
 trip was unfortunately found to be a serious in 
 fringement on the scholarly routine of the school. 
 
 The experience was exceedingly upsetting to 
 young Skinner who, being a very large frog in a 
 very small pond, could not remember without 
 profound unrest the very much larger frogs he 
 had seen disporting themselves on the surface of 
 the considerably larger waters. 
 
 Now Skinner had not simply been born with a 
 gold spoon in his mouth, but literally amid a 
 shower of golden spoons, forks, and knives. 
 Joshua M. Skinner, proprietor and manager of 
 The Regal Hotel, blissfully regarded himself as 
 but a humble instrument in the advancement of 
 his only child s career, and secretly rejoiced 
 when his son lectured him on the proprieties of 
 masculine attire and the vernacular of select 
 society. 
 
 [95] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 At fifteen, Montague was installed in his pri 
 vate suite and given his particular valet, likewise 
 a coachman and coupe be at his orders all 
 hours of the day. Accounts were opened at 
 the best of tailors and haberdashers, and Joshua 
 M. Skinner doubled an exceedingly elastic 
 allowance, resolved that money should never 
 be lacking to the proper equipment of Mon 
 tague s genteel sporting proclivities. Mrs. Skin 
 ner was all that a fond and perfect mother 
 should be and the only time that the semblance 
 of a disagreement had arisen between her and 
 her son was on one vulgar occasion when she 
 had beheld Montague and three companions re 
 turning from school in a hired cab. 
 
 Despite this tender paternal solicitude, Mon 
 tague had passed through so much of the dis 
 illusionment of wordly existence that he had 
 quickly come to assume that air of complete bore 
 dom which goes with a stockade collar and a 
 limply pendant cigarette. He never burst into 
 roars of laughter. The most excruciatingly 
 mirth provoking turns of the vaudeville head- 
 liners never stirred him to more than a tolerantly 
 amused smile. He never applauded. At the 
 
 [96] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 age of sixteen he bad never fallen in love. He 
 spoke of the chorus as " homes for old women," 
 and from his superior knowledge, smiled down at 
 his more impulsive comrades who, blinded by the 
 flood of lights and a painted cheek, occasionally 
 borrowed from him the price of a timid bouquet. 
 He had never lost his temper, as he was sur 
 rounded by those who never quarreled with his 
 choice of The Hotel Regal Special Cigars or the 
 daintily served dinners, and generously left him 
 the choice of the evening s entertainment and 
 the buying of the seats. He had never been 
 guilty of anything so vulgar as a rough and tum 
 ble fight. He had never saved up to purchase 
 something that gave him the thrill of unhoped 
 for possession. His trousers had never bagged 
 at the knees. His glossy hair was never ruffled 
 and Bucks, the devoted valet, saw to it that his 
 cravats were never allowed to fade upon the con 
 stantly renewed shirts of specially imported 
 French lawn. 
 
 He was just over the five foot line, very care 
 fully washed, reddish hair well subdued, a 
 slightly raw countenance, perpendicular ears 
 and a short chin which hung on the brink of a 
 
 [97] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 three inch Piccadilly collar. Despite a crease- 
 less coat that ran over the stoop of his shoulders 
 and the distinction of his racing vest, he still had 
 the lock of one who had been forced into long 
 trousers by hothouse processes. 
 
 On Saturday morning he rose promptly at ten, 
 extended his unmuscular arms to Bucks who 
 solicitously encased them in his wadded wrapper 
 and opened the door to the already prepared 
 bath. 
 
 By half past eleven he went out on the avenue 
 dragging a bamboo cane, for a visit to his shirt- 
 makers whose obsequious attention gave him a 
 little lukewarm satisfaction. Later he met his 
 cronies at an expensive restaurant where the 
 head waiter in person placed him in his chair 
 with a deferential, " What can I do for you to 
 day, Mr. Skinner? " 
 
 Sometimes he ordered from his profound and 
 nice knowledge of how such delectable repasts 
 should be ordered and sometimes he said in a 
 bored way : 
 
 " Just shake us up something tasty, will 
 you? 
 
 Then he initialed the bill without looking at 
 it, to the sidelong admiration of his guests. 
 
 [98] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 In the evening, if the matinee had been too 
 fatiguing, they ensconced themselves in Mon 
 tague s private salon and sat into the early 
 hours about a green table laden with different 
 colored chips of the sort that on other tables 
 are used in a sport entitled tiddle-de-winks. 
 
 And yet because way down beneath all the 
 sham and superficiality with which doting par 
 ents were trying to smother the real impulses ; 
 because tfce spark of the boy is invincible and 
 cannot be completely extinguished, young Skin 
 ner began to wonder and to dream. He saw 
 again, beyond the heavy, crowded, towering 
 buildings the glimpse of a strange life than ran 
 joyously over green fields and around ivy-clad 
 houses of brick and tile, a life where the boy and 
 the man were strangely joined, where the world 
 was the world of that youth of which he had 
 known nothing and towards which he began 
 strangely to yearn. 
 
 And so it happened to the amazement of his 
 precious cronies, of Bucks the flabber-gasted 
 valet, of Skinner s father and mother, and most 
 of all to himself, that at the beginning of his 
 seventeenth year, in the month of September, 
 Montague Skinner of Broadway and Fifth 
 [99] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Avenue, renounced the metropolis and took his 
 way towards the Lawrenceville School in Law- 
 renceville, New Jersey. 
 
 Doc Macnooder, perched like a sentinel hawk, 
 sat in the open window of the Triumphant Egg 
 head s room surveying the arrival of the appetiz 
 ing freshmen. His legs hung out, his heels 
 rapped an occasional tattoo around the clinging 
 ivy, but his glance was distant and circling up 
 ward in the speculative heights of financial 
 dreams. 
 
 Across the way, from Dick Stover s room in 
 the turret of the Dickinson, the thin shanks of 
 the Tennessee Shad protruded in a similar atti 
 tude. From time to time their carnivorous 
 glances sought the front porches below them and 
 fastened intently on the stir of an incoming 
 freshman. 
 
 About the long green reaches of the Circle, 
 the last stages were discharging their vociferous 
 or bashful occupants a last belated buggy was 
 streaking towards the distant Cleve, ventre-a- 
 terre. Below on the stone steps the committee 
 on introduction was catechizing a rumpled can- 
 
 [100] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 didate who clasped a valise to him with a de 
 spairing loneliness. 
 
 " Oh you Macnooder man ! " 
 
 Macnooder, screening his eyes, discovered un 
 der the pendant legs of the Tennessee Shad the 
 wolfish eyes and star-pointing nose of Dennis de 
 Brian de Boru Finnegan. 
 
 The call was repeated. 
 
 " Hello yourself/ said Macnooder. 
 
 "What luck?" 
 
 " What luck over there? " said Macnooder who 
 from theory always reserved the last word. 
 
 " Gilt edged, premium down, bang up 
 strictly fresh and all that sort of thing," 
 said Finnegan, who (as has been related) con 
 sidered himself the discoverer of the double ad 
 jective. 
 
 " What have you got? " 
 
 " Two brutal sluggerinos who played profes 
 sional feet-ball in the slums of Chicago." 
 
 Macnooder received this with a languid yawn. 
 
 " The champion peroxide blond half-back of 
 Des Moines, Iowa." 
 
 " How interesting ! " 
 
 "A millionaire baby from Philadelphia 
 [101] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 wrapped up in greenbacks , and Cyclops Ber- 
 becker, the one-eyed wonder of the wandering 
 eye." 
 
 "Fact?" said Macnooder, the impresario at 
 once keenly alert and addressing the Tennessee 
 Shad, the senior partner of the firm of Macnoo 
 der and Self. 
 
 " Fact," said the Shad solemnly, " glass eye, 
 detachable and most sociable." 
 
 Macnooder s glance was a glance of envy. 
 Seeing which Finnegan chirped up 
 
 " Well, old pawnbroker, what have you got to 
 boast of? " 
 
 " Nothing," said Macnooder sadly. " Sup 
 plies very poor this year, boys." 
 
 At this moment back of him burst forth a 
 chorus of exclamations. 
 
 " Keeroogalum ! " 
 
 " Holy Cats ! " 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 " Hold me up ! " 
 
 "Have I lived to see it!" 
 
 Below, two suburbanally distinguished horses, 
 drawing Trenton s proudest hackney coach, had 
 stopped and from the front seat a being, ob- 
 
 [102] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 sequious and mechanical, had sprung to his 
 heels, touched his hat and waited at atten 
 tion. 
 
 " Hush ! " said the Triumphant Egghead, 
 " don t frighten it, it ll fly away." 
 
 " It s a beadle," said Turkey Reiter. 
 
 " It s a dentist." 
 
 " It s a butler." 
 
 " A butler your grandmother it s a valet." 
 
 "My word!" 
 
 " So it is." 
 
 " A real live young valet." 
 
 " What s he going to do now? " 
 
 " Hush ! " 
 
 Bucks, in obedience to a command, came to 
 wards the steps, perceived Macnooder sus 
 pended from the sill, like a wooden monkey on a 
 stick, and bringing his heels to attention, 
 touched his finger to his hat and said: 
 
 " Beg pardon, sir, but is this the Dickinson 
 House?" 
 
 Macnooder put his hand to his throat, gulped 
 and nodded, incapable of speech. The silence 
 everywhere had fallen like the crash of thunder. 
 Even Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan was 
 
 [103] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 clinging to the window frame awed and speech 
 less. 
 
 Bucks returning, imparted the reassuring in 
 formation, the door opened, and Montague Skin 
 ner emerged, supporting his languid body on a 
 light bamboo cane, slapping the annoying dust 
 from his beautiful trousers, and, leaving the vul 
 garities of the baggage to Bucks, sauntered not 
 too eagerly and in no wise embarrassed, up the 
 stone flags to the house. 
 
 Upstairs, the pent up indignation burst forth 
 with a roar. 
 
 "Murder!" 
 
 " Desecration ! " 
 
 " Outrage ! " 
 
 "Lynch him!" 
 
 "Pie him!" 
 
 " Strip the hide off him! " 
 
 "Mangle him!" 
 
 The door resounded with the impact of furi 
 ous bodies. 
 
 "Stop!" 
 
 The voice was the voice of Macnooder, the 
 master mind. The mob paused in suspense. 
 
 " Come back sit down ! " 
 [104] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " Sit down? " thundered the Triumphant Egg 
 head. " Sit down ! When we re disgraced 
 laughing stock of the campus sit down?" 
 
 "Exactly. Would you kill the goose that 
 lays the golden egg, you nincompoop ! " 
 
 A light began to dawn. The Triumphant Egg 
 head scratched one ear, loosened his collar and 
 collapsed in a chair. 
 
 "What this house needs is style," said Mac- 
 nooder firmly " style and proper banking facili 
 ties." 
 
 "Aha!" 
 
 "When a young Van Astorbilt arrives, you d 
 make a noise, would you, and frighten him 
 away." 
 
 At this moment Hungry Smeed at the window 
 announced shrilly: 
 
 " The valet, the valet, he s driving away ! " 
 
 " Let him go," said Macnooder with great 
 calm. 
 
 " I say," said Butcher Stevens wrathfully, 
 "are you going to let a fashion plate, a candy 
 dude, insult us in this way and do nothing about 
 it?" 
 
 " Butcher, you re so crude," said Macnooder 
 [105] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 ^crushingly, sitting down and gazing out of the 
 window with the eye of a cat who knows what 
 is waiting on the sill. " Just think, this be 
 longs to us, all to us ! " 
 
 The Great Big Man came scooting through the 
 door, his little knickerbockered legs shaking 
 with excitement. 
 
 " His name is Skinner and his father owns 
 The B-egal Hotel, New York City." 
 
 " Wire at once to reserve the bridal suite," 
 said Macnooder triumphantly. " Where s Klon 
 dike?" 
 
 A moment latter Klondike, the Ethiopian who 
 was advertised to shake up the beds of the Dick 
 inson, was found and brought in grinning, while 
 the mystified veterans gazed at Macnooder ex 
 pectantly. 
 
 " No, he doesn t look like a valet," said Mac 
 nooder sadly. " Not at all like a valet." 
 
 " But we can dress him up," exclaimed Tur 
 key Reiter, the first to seize the idea. 
 
 Ten minutes later, Klondike encased in a 
 battered stovepipe, supplied with white mittens 
 and a selected pigeon s blood cravat received on a 
 salver a dozen calling cards which he was in- 
 
 [106] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 structed to present one at a time, and departed 
 in search of Montague Skinner after the stove 
 pipe had been decorated with a chicken feather 
 in lieu of a cockade. 
 
 " Remember/ 7 said Macnooder imperiously be 
 fore the gathering dispersed, " nothing brutal, 
 nothing coarse, we must do nothing to discourage 
 capital, we must be kind to ,Van Astorbilt, we 
 must educate him gently, for he belongs to us 
 all of us!" 
 
 Skinner s first days were replete with dis 
 turbing surprises. He, the big frog, had sunk 
 with a splash, dwindled into a very small tad 
 pole among a myriad of other little tadpoles. 
 
 Of course he had expected a certain amount of 
 ragging. When Klondike, in his circus para 
 phernalia had appeared with the calling cards, 
 he had recognized the patness of the caricature. 
 Still, this had surprised him. He had never 
 thought of the incongruity of arriving with a 
 valet, nor that it would be an isolated phe 
 nomenon. It was rather upsetting to find him 
 self in a world where valets failed to impress. 
 
 Another thing that rather puzzled him was the 
 [107] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 studied attitude of deference assumed toward 
 liini by the Dickinson House. He was not al 
 ways quite sure of this attitude. At times it 
 seemed to him that a lip twitched or that a 
 roguish gleam lurked in eyes that were set for 
 gravity. 
 
 Now, of course, this was all rather ridiculous, 
 for they were nothing but children, whereas he 
 he had lived. He had known things beyond 
 their ken, had lived the life of a man of fashion, 
 a cosmopolite, and of course if they found his 
 costumes rather individual, equally of course he 
 could not be expected to descend to jerseys and 
 corduroy " pants. 
 
 He had had quite an interesting experience 
 with that minor detail of scholastic life the 
 curriculum. He had hesitated a long while in 
 deliberation over the requirements for admission 
 into the Fifth Form and then modestly decided 
 to lengthen his sojourn amid pleasant places. 
 The day following his arrival he spent an an 
 noying morning and afternoon being examined 
 for the Fourth. The following morning he was 
 assigned to the Third, where his recitations com 
 manded such solicitous interest from the Natural 
 
 [108] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 Enemy that lie agreed to descend another rung 
 on the ladder. There he remained long enough 
 to become pleasantly acquainted and wearily ac 
 quiesced in his final drop into the First Form, 
 where all travel ceases. 
 
 Luckily, he did not regard the curriculum 
 seriously. One thing, though, annoyed him. 
 He had passed through the fire of baptism and 
 had been renamed the Uncooked Beefsteak. 
 Whether this was a tribute to himself as a pro 
 duct of the Eegal Hotel or whether it was an 
 attempt to express felicitously the red hair and 
 singularly raw hue of his complexion, the fact 
 remained that he, Montague Skinner, cosmop 
 olite, was publicly known as the Uncooked 
 Beefsteak. The worst of it was that he could 
 not see the humor of it, it hurt his pride that he 
 of all men, before whom head waiters and 
 haberdashers bowed down, should be so misun 
 derstood. 
 
 Now there are only two ways to treat a nick 
 name; either to grin and hope for some future 
 coincidence that will substitute a more accept 
 able name, or to place a chip on your shoulder 
 and announce publicly in the fashion of Sow 
 
 [109] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Emmons and Vulture Watkins that any use of 
 the abhorred name will have to be accomplished 
 by an exhibition of the manly art. 
 
 The first alternative was beyond the knowledge 
 of Montague Skinner and the second was brutal 
 and mussing. 
 
 He fell back on his knowledge of the weak 
 nesses of human nature. He would do what he 
 had always done open the pocketbook and win 
 by Koman display. 
 
 Doc Macnooder roomed across the hall in that 
 secret place into which few were allowed to pen 
 etrate. Montague liked the ubiquitous Macnoo 
 der. He was so natural and friendly and he 
 showed him the deference that proved that Mac 
 nooder at least realized the difference between 
 a tumbling cub and a man of experience. About 
 this time the distinction of Macnooder s cravats 
 became a matter of public comment; likewise a 
 variegated vest that materially added to the 
 charm of his personal appearance. 
 
 One afternoon as the Uncooked Beefsteak was 
 sitting forlornly on his window seat, there came 
 a knock and the round, guileless face of Doc 
 Macnooder beamed through the doorway. 
 
 [110] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " Ah there, old Sporting Life/ said Macnooder 
 in a sympathetic way, " feeling pretty chipper? " 
 
 " Fine," said the Uncooked Beefsteak with a 
 painful smile. 
 
 " Food s better in Little Old New York, isn t 
 it?" said Macnooder, his eye roving among the 
 gay cravats that hung from the bureau corner. 
 Skinner sighed ; a famished gluttonous sigh. 
 
 " I d like to take you out for a little snap or 
 two at some places I know of," he said regaining 
 his worldly air. 
 
 " Caviar and asparagus ? " 
 
 "A vol-au-vent with a cold salmon trout 
 first." 
 
 " And a real beefsteak," said Macnooder, open 
 ing a bureau drawer hungrily. 
 
 Montague shrank back, glancing at Macnooder 
 suspiciously. 
 
 " I say, Doc." 
 
 "Hello!" 
 
 " I wish you fellows wouldn t call me the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak." 
 
 " Why, that s a stunning nickname." 
 
 " Well, I wish you wouldn t." 
 
 " Does it worry you? " 
 
 [111] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " It does." 
 
 " All right, Beefsteak, I ll try not to." 
 
 Montague bit his lip but Macnooder s face 
 showed only the zest of the explorer. 
 
 " I don t see any," said Macnooder after a 
 minute. 
 
 "Any what?" 
 
 " Any filthy weeds." 
 
 Montague, slipping to the door, shot the key 
 and proceeding to his trunk brought forth a long, 
 low box decorated with custom stamps and 
 foreign gilt. 
 
 " This is what I smoke," he said carelessly, 
 extending the box. 
 
 Macnooder s glance trembled in spite of him 
 self. 
 
 " Black as ink and half a mile long. Fifty 
 Centers? " 
 
 " They re private stock," said Montague in a 
 bored way. " Take one if you like." 
 
 " Not now," said Macnooder, with visions of 
 bigger game as he sat and watched with wolfish 
 eyes Skinner return the box under lock and key. 
 
 " Gee, Beefsteak, pardon me, Montague old 
 chap, you certainly are a dead game one." 
 
 [112] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " Oh, I ve knocked about a bit," said Skinner, 
 stretching his arms languidly. 
 
 " I say you really are a devil of a fellow," 
 said Brer Rabbit with his imagination centering 
 on the miraculous cigars. " There are a couple 
 of champion smokers around these modest little 
 diggings but my aunt s cat s pants! I believe 
 you could smoke them to a finish." 
 
 " Champion smokers ! " said Skinner pricking 
 up his ears. 
 
 " Oh, we pull off a couple of smoking cham 
 pionships a year," said Macnooder, stooping to 
 tighten his shoe-laces, " secret Ku-Klux-Klan, 
 dead of midnight affairs." 
 
 " That interests me," said Skinner, approach 
 ing. 
 
 " They re great old pow-wows," said Macnoo 
 der, skillfully dropping the subject. " Got any 
 grub?" 
 
 " We might wander over to the village," said 
 Skinner, now intensely alert. 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 " I say Doc," said Skinner as they shuffled 
 over to Laloo s Hot Dog Palace, " when do they 
 hold these championships?" 
 
 [113] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Championships? " said Maenooder, pretend 
 ing ignorance. 
 
 " Smoking championships." 
 
 " One s due now." 
 
 " I d like to get into that, you know." 
 
 " Hm, rather difficult. They re quite select 
 the Tennessee Shad old fellows inner gang 
 creme de la creme and all that." 
 
 " Oh/ said Skinner in great disappointment, 
 "couldn t you work me in?" 
 
 " Hardly." 
 
 " I d like a go at it." 
 
 " Let me think," said Macnooder whose fertile 
 brain had already achieved daylight. 
 
 With the object of stimulating a favorable 
 mental process, Skinner not only ordered up a 
 pack of steaming Frankfurters but forced down 
 two indigestibles himself. 
 
 " Well, have you thought up anything? " he 
 said anxiously, after they had consumed a jelly 
 roll and steered for Appleby s, the second station 
 on the road from the Aching Void. 
 
 " I m thinking hard," said Macnooder, who 
 gave the high signal to Appleby and soon was 
 floundering among the pastries. 
 
 [114] 
 
THE FIKM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 Skinner, to be democratic, after considerable 
 epicurean hesitation, chose a Turkish Paste as 
 the least of many evils and nibbled a little on 
 the edge. 
 
 " Beefsteak," said Macnooder, in a friendly 
 way as Skinner paid up, " you re really quite 
 the bounding boy. Keally now, we ll just 
 cool off at the Jigger Shop, really now, you 
 ought to get into the swim here." 
 
 " That s just what I want to do," said Skinner 
 a little too eagerly. " I d like to know the real 
 crowd you know." 
 
 " I see, sort of break into high society," said 
 Macnooder, who bit his tongue to keep from 
 choking. 
 
 " Well," said the Uncooked Beefsteak, blush 
 ing a little. 
 
 " Oh, that s all right perfectly proper 
 just a little expression of mine. Besides you 
 belong you re it you re the real thing 
 you re a sport, you know." 
 
 " I say, have you been thinking up a scheme? " 
 said Skinner, not only anxious but a little 
 suspicious of Macnooder s admiration. 
 
 " I have a glimmer," said Macnooder, nodding 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 to Al, the guardian of the Jigger and elevating 
 three fingers as a signal for the maximum, " yes, 
 I may say a twinkle. I wish the Tennessee 
 Shad were around. Try half a dozen eclairs, 
 you old gormandizer. Shut your eyes and im 
 agine you re denting the menu at dear old Del s. 
 No? Well, thinking it over, I think I will. Al, 
 transport the eclairs. 
 
 " You said a twinkle," said Skinner patiently 
 figuring out Macnooder s greatest possible cubic 
 capacity. 
 
 " Exactly that," said Macnooder, who con 
 tinued to assist his stomach to stimulate his 
 mind. 
 
 " Well, what have you hit upon? " said Skin 
 ner, expectantly. 
 
 " A good one," said Macnooder, leaving with 
 one hand upon the belt and a lingering back 
 ward glance. 
 
 " Let s go back to the room and talk it over." 
 
 " Never ! " said Doc in alarm, " we might be 
 overheard we ll just roll up to Conover s and 
 get a quiet corner, and eat a few pancakes while 
 we re discussing the details." 
 
 " I m not hungry," said Skinner defensively. 
 [116] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " That s all right," said Macnooder cheerfully. 
 I am." 
 
 " You think you can work me in, then," said 
 Skinner, after waiting for Doc to open the sub 
 ject. 
 
 " Not in the championships," said Doc. " You 
 have to be elected to the Sporting Club and all 
 that most select. I have another way, though, 
 but it s expensive. You get the word expen 
 sive." 
 
 Skinner handed Mrs. Conover a ten dollar gold 
 certificate. 
 
 " You reassure me," said Doc with a summery 
 smile. 
 
 Skinner had a sudden feeling of uneasiness. 
 
 " We were speaking of breaking into society," 
 said Macnooder. " That s the idea." 
 
 " How so? " said the Uncooked Beefsteak, 
 looking decidedly raw. 
 
 " You give a banquet an introductory ban 
 quet a sort of debutante affair, you know." 
 
 " How could it be pulled off? " said the Beef 
 steak, caressing the idea. 
 
 " Terrific secrecy, dead of midnight, banks of 
 the canal, and all that." 
 
 [117] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " But the smoking championship? " 
 
 " Aha ! " said Macnooder, looking very subtle, 
 " that s where the real idea comes in. For the 
 entertainment of your guests you give an invita 
 tion smoking meet." 
 
 " I see," said Skinner joyfully. 
 
 "And put up as first prize a nice long fat 
 juicy box of expensive cigars." 
 
 " But suppose I win ? " 
 
 You won t." 
 
 " Oh, I don t know." 
 
 "Well, are you fond of my idea?" said Mac 
 nooder proudly. 
 
 " I am/ said Skinner, resting his hand on 
 Doc s shoulder as a mark of special favor. " But 
 I say, how do you work a smoking champion 
 ship?" 
 
 " Leave that to me." 
 
 " Who ll I invite? " 
 
 " Likewise to me. I m the little social secre 
 tary." 
 
 "What ll I get?" 
 
 " Caviar," said Doc firmly. 
 
 " Something in the line of pates? " 
 
 "Truffled pheasants and all that sort of 
 thing." 
 
 [118] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " A lot of sweets." 
 
 " But no beefsteaks" said Macnooder who de 
 parted hastily to roll off his laughter on the soft 
 lawn behind the Kennedy, where he and the Ten 
 nessee Shad sat long in gleeful consultation. 
 
 Skinner was complacently elated at the new 
 prospect. After all, big schools were very much 
 like small ones and the way into high society 
 lay clear whatever the geography. The more he 
 thought over Macnooder s scheme, the more it 
 appealed to him. He had no vulgar envy in his 
 nature. He did not aspire to be a hero all he 
 asked was to be the patron of heroes. 
 
 Full of confident expectations, he wrote a let 
 ter to Bucks, the marooned valet, outlining a 
 program of Lucullan prodigality. After Doc 
 Macnooder had dropped in for a few words of 
 suggestion, two large boxes stuffed with the 
 Hotel KegaPs transported best duly arrived and 
 were placed in safe keeping. 
 
 Finally, the great social night arriving, Skin 
 ner received the first real thrill of his mis 
 directed little existence the thrill of forbid 
 den fruit. At ten o clock the shivering Beef 
 steak, completely dressed, beheld a thin roving 
 
 [119] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 bar of light trickling under the crack of his 
 door. The next moment, Doc Macnooder pre 
 ceded by a bullseye lantern stole noiselessly 
 into the darkness. 
 
 "Who s that?" said the Uncooked Beefsteak 
 in a chilly whisper. 
 
 " Hush," said Macnooder hoarsely, " not a 
 breath ! " 
 
 "What s that for?" said the Beefsteak, 
 alarmed at the sight of a black cloth that 
 shrouded the mysterious face, burglar fashion. 
 
 " We must never be recognized ! " 
 
 " Is there any danger? " 
 
 " Heaps. Old Greek-roots sleeps on a trig 
 ger. Put on this handkerchief. Get off those 
 shoes. All ready now?" 
 
 " I say, what ll we do if he nabs us? " 
 
 " Soak him on the point of the chin," said 
 Macnooder very solemnly. " If you miss him, I ll 
 get him and then scud for your room. Come 
 on now, on your tiptoes." 
 
 Guided by Macnooder, the now thoroughly 
 alarmed Beefsteak slipped along the horribly 
 proclaiming halls and through Hungry Smeed s 
 window out into the steaming night. 
 [120] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 " Gee ! " said Montague, using that vulgar ex 
 clamation for the first time, " Gee, that was 
 great ! " 
 
 " First time? " 
 
 You bet." 
 
 " Danger s not over yet. What s that? Down 
 on your pantry ! " 
 
 " Someone s moving towards us." 
 
 " Grab my hand. Come on now. Run for 
 your life." 
 
 Guided by Macnooder, stumbling and sway 
 ing, Skinner felt the soft turf rush under him. 
 They dodged between the chapel and the ac 
 cursed abode of Compulsory Bath, skirted the 
 baseball diamonds, and stopped to draw breath 
 behind the safe confines of the laundry. 
 
 " Narrow squeak." 
 
 " Great," said the palpitating Beefsteak. 
 
 They passed through negro settlements, dimly 
 emerging in the suffused light of the approach 
 ing moon, rattling their sticks along picket 
 fences to the indignation of furious dogs that 
 came bounding after them, while from ahead 
 came faint echoes of other parties similarly en 
 gaged. Gradually their group was augmented 
 
 [121] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 until as they reached the banks of the canal they 
 mustered a dozen in free marching order. An 
 other dozen under the leadership of the Tennes 
 see Shad were splashing in the none- too-fragrant 
 waters or drying their ghostly limbs ashore. 
 Answering shouts went up. 
 
 " Here we are." 
 
 "Where s the grub?" 
 
 "Oh, Turkey Keiter!" 
 
 " Hello there, Butcher Stevens! " 
 
 " Have you got Van Astorbilt? " 
 
 " You bet we have." 
 
 " Open the boxes," 
 
 " Give us the grub." 
 
 "Am I hungry?" 
 
 "Oh, no!" 
 
 The strange zest of adventure disappeared in 
 Skinner. He was again in his element, he the 
 purveyor of banquets and the patron of heroes. 
 The swimmers came in dripping, hastily scram 
 bling for places in the festive ring. 
 
 At this moment there was a disturbance near 
 the provender, and Finnegan came rushing up 
 to Macnooder. 
 
 " I say, Doc ! Here is the Coffee Colored An- 
 [122] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 gel who s sneaked up on us and wants a share of 
 the swag." 
 
 " Throw him out ! " 
 
 " He says he is on to the game, and will give 
 the whole shooting match away. What s to be 
 done?" 
 
 " Welcome him with open arms," said Mac 
 nooder, who had the instincts of the politician, 
 " and kick the slats out of him to-morrow." 
 
 " Start her up ! " cried a score of voices. 
 
 " Give us the truffles ! " 
 
 " Trot out your venison ! " 
 
 " Little girls and little boys," said Macnooder, 
 who loved to speak, but was seldom allowed to 
 finish, " when the evening star, swimming 
 across the sun-kissed horizon " 
 
 "Cut it out!" 
 
 " No elocution ! " 
 
 " Come down to earth ! " 
 
 " My friends," said Macnooder, complacently 
 yielding, " before opening this evening s enter 
 tainment, I would draw your attention to a few 
 articles of daily necessity which I am prepared 
 to furnish at prices " 
 
 " No business ! " 
 
 [123] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " You can t flim-flam us to-night." 
 
 " Come to the point." 
 
 " Gentlemen," said Macnooder, looking about 
 him doubtfully, " you forget. Where are your 
 manners? Kemember this is a debutante affair. 
 Gentlemen, I have the honor to socially intro 
 duce to you Mr. Montague Skinner, the Fifth 
 Avenue Narcissus, one of the leaders of the 
 creme de la creme of Metropolitan fashion. 
 Mr. Skinner s perfect pants are the feature of the 
 famous annual poultry exhibition. Mr. Skin 
 ner s socks are the limit of gentility. Mr. 
 Skinner s neckties are destined to revolutionize 
 local styles." 
 
 " You ought to know, Doc ! " said a voice. 
 
 " I do know," said Macnooder, w T ith an evil 
 look into the crowd, " and I know likewise the 
 skulking author of that aspersion. I resume. 
 Mr. Montague Skinner in making his debut into 
 the creme de la creme of Lawrenceville society 
 comes before you, not simply as the spoiled 
 favorite of the lobster palaces, but as an 
 athlete!" 
 
 "A what?" cried a dozen mystified voices. 
 
 " I said athlete," said Macnooder. " Mr. 
 [124] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 Montague Skinner is the holder of all Metropoli 
 tan junior smoking records, from the one-minute 
 cigarette dash to the one-hour record on cigars. 
 As a preliminary to the opening of the evening s 
 banquet, Mr. Skinner will meet in friendly com 
 petition the leather-lunged champions of the 
 school. In order to add a little sportiness to 
 the evening, as well as to soften the edge of his 
 munificence, Mr. Skinner will supply each guest 
 with three cigars. You start on a crouching 
 start, and the first to finish, the first at the grub. 
 Two prizes will be offered one open to all 
 present for the first to finish these same diamond- 
 backed goldplated cigars ; the second for the con 
 test of champions." 
 
 " What s that? 
 
 " It will be a finish fight no quarter asked 
 or given! Each contestant has nominated his 
 particular brand of leather. There are five 
 Would-Bes. There will be five distinctly dif 
 ferent poisonous rounds. In deference to our 
 host, the first round will be at cigars known as 
 the Pride of the Regal Hotel; second round at 
 corncob pipes specially loaded; third round at 
 stogies; fourth round at political cigars, and 
 
 [125] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 fifth round at a final death-defying test pro 
 posed bj Butcher Stevens the terrible Hub- 
 ble-Bubble the Hookah or Persian Water- 
 Pipe!" 
 
 " Supposin they live through it ! " said a 
 voice. 
 
 "They won t," said Macnooder. "But if 
 they do, a new series will begin at once until a 
 decisive knock-out shall be scored. 7 
 
 " A regular ten-second knock-out? " 
 
 " Each contestant as he drops by the wayside 
 will be allowed one hour and twenty minutes to 
 recover and then a doctor will be summoned." 
 
 " What doctor? " 
 
 " Doctor Macnooder." 
 
 " I resign," cried a dozen voices. 
 
 Macnooder, whose soul was above mosquito 
 bites, continued: 
 
 "The Hon. Kinky Dink Stover, Tough Mc 
 Carthy, the champion gum chewer of the Wood- 
 hull; Mr. Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan, 
 our little silent boy, and the Tennessee Shad, 
 the Apollo Belvedere of the Blue Ridges, have 
 unselfishly agreed to serve as judges, spongers, 
 and ambulance corps." 
 
 [126] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 * Cheese it ! " said the voice of the rebel. 
 
 " Why don t they smoke up? " cried another. 
 
 "Mr. Stover and Mr. McCarthy," said Mac- 
 nooder suavely, " as far as can be discovered, 
 are bound by a secret oath never again to touch 
 tobacco. Mr. Finnegan is desisting in the hope 
 of ultimately reaching five feet, and the Tennes 
 see Shad refrains from fear of scorching his 
 bones." 
 
 " Gee, Doc, but you are a peach ! " said the 
 voice of one who was still cramped by the facts. 
 
 " Any more questions? " 
 
 There were none. 
 
 " I will now introduce to you Mr. Montague 
 Skinner, the pet of the lobster palaces and the 
 Prince of Wales of New Jersey fashions." 
 
 As Skinner rose to bow his blushing acknowl 
 edgments, Macnooder with a wave of his hand 
 transferred the box of cigars to the Tennessee 
 Shad, who emerged from the shadows and pro 
 ceeded to distribute. Just what took place in 
 that shadow is locked in the secret archives of 
 the firm of Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad, 
 but the answer might explain much that pro 
 ceeded to happen. 
 
 [127] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Quite deceived by the vociferousness of the 
 false applause that greeted him, Skinner felt 
 again the pleasant tickling sensations that re 
 called the prodigal days of the metropolis. He 
 withdrew with all the old gorgeousness to join 
 the group of champions. The risen moon flung 
 leafy shadows over the half-naked circle of con 
 testants, where each novice was resolved to die a 
 martyr s death rather than miss the opportun 
 ity of smoking a genuine one-dollar cigar. At 
 a command from Macnooder, the matches 
 crackled into flames like the points of distant 
 picket fires, accompanied at once by a gradually 
 increasing chorus of coughs and choking. Still 
 not a descendant of Eve, lover of the forbidden, 
 flinched at his awful task. 
 
 " I will now present the champions of cham 
 pions," said Macnooder in cadence. " Mr. Mon 
 tague Skinner, the conqueror of the Kockfeller- 
 ite, the cigar that the Czar of Russia calls for 
 with his morning coffee, you have just had pre 
 sented to you. The second contestant is Mr. 
 Butcher Stevens, who smokes the terrible Hub- 
 ble-Bubble as a baby swallows a hatpin. Mr. 
 Stevens is absolutely confident of success." 
 
 [128] 
 
THE FIEM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 
 Butcher Stevens arose amidst applause and 
 performed a bow by means of a scraping motion 
 of Ms left foot, 
 
 " The third contestant is Mr. Slush Randolph, 
 known as the White Terror, or King of the 
 Cigarette Fiends. Mr. Randolph takes great 
 pride in his yellow-tipped fingers, which he wag 
 gishly calls his Meerschaums. Mr. Randolph is 
 absolutely confident of sucess." 
 
 Slush Randolph smiled a sickly smile and 
 tumbled backward to .a place beside Butcher 
 Stevens. 
 
 " Our fourth contestant," continued Macnoo- 
 der, " is Mr. Stubbs, the White Mountain Can 
 ary. Mr. Stubb s speeches for the Democratic 
 ticket not only defeated Mr. Bryan but wrecked 
 his party. Mr. Stubbs bases his hopes for vic 
 tory on the training he received in smoking po 
 litical cigars, five of which, the gift of a Pro 
 hibitionist candidate for dog catcher, he is con 
 fident no man can smoke and live to tell the tale. 
 The White Mountain Canary is absolutely con 
 fident of success." 
 
 Stubbs, who had listened to this biography in 
 awe-struck amazement, gasped and sat down, 
 
 [139] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 keeping a fascinated glance on the orator 
 of the evening. 
 
 " The fifth and last contestant," continued 
 Macnooder, " is Gomez, the Black Beauty, the 
 Dark Horse from Cuba. Beauty, although a 
 freshman just arrived, has a reputation second 
 to none. In Cuba it is said he smoked his first 
 cigar at the age of three years and two months. 
 He is absolutely confident of success." 
 
 As the fifth contestant awkwardly slouched 
 forward and bobbed his head, a suppressed mur 
 mur ran the rounds of the burning circle, while 
 Tough McCarthy and Dink Stover were seen to 
 bend warningly over the form of the Coffee Col 
 ored Angel, who had been making remarks. 
 
 " First Bound, on Mr. Montague Skinner s 
 suggestion, at the Kockfellerite coupon-bearing 
 cigar. Ready! Go! All other contestants are 
 reminded that three cigars must be finished be 
 fore denting the grub, the sooner the finish, the 
 more the grub! Smoke up, you Gormandiz 
 ers! " 
 
 Skinner drew in his first puff with compla 
 cency, assuming a position of ease and dignity 
 against a tree. He studied his rivals, discount- 
 
 [130] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 ing at once Slush Randolph and the White 
 Mountain Canary, who already were smoking 
 lip-deep, but considering uneasily the profes 
 sional precision of Butcher Stevens and the 
 Black Beauty. 
 
 He finished his favorite cigar with a slight 
 but noticeable feeling of heaviness, due, no doubt, 
 to the distance from the last feeding hour. 
 Butcher and Black Beauty were already wait 
 ing, having ended together. The White Moun 
 tain Canary was permitted to continue after a 
 slight altercation with the judges as to the 
 amount consumed, while the White Terror, 
 coughing through the last heated puffs, un 
 buckled his belt and removed his upper gar 
 ments with gladiatorial resolution. 
 
 " Round Two, contribution of Mr. Slush Ran 
 dolph, corncob pipes with Mr. Randolph s 
 special mixture, known as The Blacksmith s De 
 light." 
 
 Skinner received his pipe with less elation. 
 The first puff made him glance up sharply, half 
 suspecting a practical joke. To his surprise the 
 White Mountain Canary, albeit with an expres 
 sion of pain, was resolutely at work, while the 
 
 [131] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 White Terror s face showed an expression of 
 malignant ecstasy. 
 
 At the conclusion of Kound Two the honors 
 were plainly with the Black Beauty, who had 
 drawn slightly ahead of Butcher Stevens, while 
 a considerable interval separated Skinner and 
 Slush Eandolph from the White Mountain 
 Canary. 
 
 " Bound Three," said the cold, unfeeling voice 
 of Doc Macnooder ; " political cigars, name un 
 known, at suggestion of the White Mountain 
 Canary." 
 
 The cigar was worse than the pipe. A slight 
 haze began to rock slowly down from the over 
 hanging boughs. In desperation Skinner tried 
 quick, short puffs, expelled as soon as taken, but 
 at that he began to cough uneasily. The outer 
 circle of contestants had disappeared from his 
 consciousness, he saw only his little area, the 
 tense faces of Slush and Stubbs, the determined 
 jaws of Stevens, and the indolent figure of the 
 Black Beauty, who, as regular as a teakettle, was 
 enjoying every puff. 
 
 At Bound Four, Slush Bandolph had crawled 
 away and the White Mountain Canary lay on 
 
 [132] 
 
THE FIKM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 his back with one leg elevated in token of the 
 surrender he was unable to utter. 
 
 " Bound Four," said the joyful voice, " resigna 
 tions of the White Mountain Canary and Slush, 
 the King of the Cigarette Fiends, received 
 and accepted. Still resolved on asphyxiation, 
 Butcher Stevens, Montague Skinner, and the 
 Black Beauty. Round Four, suggested by the 
 Dark Horse from Cuba, will be at the famous 
 Seaman s Stogy, a charming little thing used 
 either as a pastime or to lash the tiller. Are you 
 ready? Go!" 
 
 Butcher Stevens took two short, jerky puffs, 
 glanced very hard at Macnooder, and immed 
 iately threw up the sponge. The sight brought 
 no feeling of joy to Skinner he had tried the 
 Stogy, with a pain like an electric needle shoot 
 ing through his lungs. Still he would not give 
 in. He would show them that courage was a 
 relative thing, that they could fail where he 
 could rise superior. His head rocked and weird 
 forms danced before his eyes, but still he kept 
 on. Suddenly he looked about him. Of the 
 dozen who had started in the common race, not 
 one was left upright. He had the feeling of a 
 
 [133] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 conqueror on the battlefield of his own defeat. 
 Muttered curses and objurgations seemed to buzz 
 about him in indistinct gasps. He heard them 
 not at all. His flickering energies were concen 
 trated on keeping alive the red spark at the end 
 of the thing that burned like a wet rope coated 
 with tar. 
 
 Halfway through, the haze cleared, and he sud 
 denly perceived the Black Beauty deliciously on 
 his back, legs crossed, expelling huge volumes of 
 smoke, INHALING every breath ! At this sight 
 all resolution oozed from him. He tried one last 
 discouraged pull, then allowed the reeking weed 
 to slip from his limp fist, and digging his fingers 
 in the warm turf, desperately strove to steady 
 the careening world. 
 
 Once only he opened his dizzy eyes at the 
 sound of a clattering plate. In the middle of 
 the circle, laughing ghoulishly, Macnooder the 
 traitor, Stover, McCarthy, Finnegan, and the 
 Tennessee Shad were literally stuffing themselves 
 with the banquet that was to have fed the score, 
 that now lay in groaning groups vowing venge 
 ance on him, Skinner, who had sought only popu 
 larity. 
 
 [134] 
 
THE FIRM FINDS A NEW VICTIM 
 In this one horrid glance he had a vision of the 
 Black Beauty, who, disdaining food, still glori 
 ously on his back, was burning up the delicious 
 cigars with the rapidity of a prairie fire. 
 
 " I hear you had a party," said Al, watchdog 
 of the Jigger, when the next morning Skinner 
 had stolen over during forbidden hours. 
 
 " They tell me I did," said Skinner, weakly or 
 dering a bromo-seltzer. 
 
 " I hear quite a few young bruisers are laying 
 for you. 7 
 
 " I am not very popular," said the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak slowly, reflecting with a new 
 enlightenment how ungrateful republics may 
 be. 
 
 " I suppose you know how Macnooder and the 
 Tennessee Shad flim-flammed you," said Al, who 
 harbored a little professional jealousy. 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Worked in a lot of doped cigars and cornered 
 the grub." 
 
 " I don t care," said Skinner, to whom even 
 French cooking would never mean anything 
 again. 
 
 [135] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " They tell me, though, you are pretty good at 
 the weed," said Al, to console him. 
 
 " I thought I was till I struck that fellow 
 Black Beauty." 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 " The fellow from Cuba Gomez," said the 
 Uncooked Beefsteak with reluctant admiration. 
 
 " Huh there goes your Gomez now/ said Al 
 with a short, barking laugh. 
 
 " Why, that s Blinky ! " said Skinner, perceiv 
 ing the one-eyed purveyor of illicit Sunday 
 papers slouching across the street. 
 
 " Sure," said Al, looking pityingly at the young 
 innocent. " Macnooder worked him in to take 
 no chances. Blinky could set fire to a rubber 
 hose and smoke it with ease and pleasure." 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 If the smoking championship had blighted 
 Montague Skinner s young and tender illusions 
 it had also its sting for its promoters. The im 
 mediate consequence was an abrupt and violent 
 rupture in the firm of youthful promoters on the 
 following abstruse point of moral and financial 
 etiquette. 
 
 When the final division had been made of 
 cigars, slightly damaged sandwiches, mixed meat 
 pastes, half -filled bottles of root beer and ginger 
 ale, uneaten eclairs and French pastry turning 
 slightly to the sour, and the same had either 
 been forced into the Aching Void or sold to 
 rank outsiders for cash considerations, the 
 Tennessee Shad discovered by accident that Mac- 
 nooder had actually collected from Blinky and 
 each of the challenging smokers the sum of 
 twenty-five cents for the privilege of smoking 
 the miraculous cigars. The Tennessee Shad de 
 manded an equitable accounting of all sums 
 
 [137] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 gained from whatever source. Macnooder re 
 fused, claiming certain perquisites as financier 
 and underwriter and on this point an instant 
 estrangement took place. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad nursing the bitterness a 
 creative genius feels for the pettinesses of a com 
 mercial partner, was curled up on the window 
 seat of his high station at the Kennedy, when a 
 sudden outburst of shrieks sounded opposite. 
 
 "Beefsteak, this way!" 
 
 " Come on, you son of the Regal Hotel ! " 
 
 " Beefsteak, clean my shoes ! ?1 
 
 " Beefsteak, shake up this coat ! " 
 
 " Beefsteak, tidy up my room ! " 
 
 "Shake a leg!" 
 
 " On the jump ! " 
 
 " Oh, you Beefsteak ! " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad uncoiled as a snake un 
 coils, and lifting his head listened curiously to 
 the insistent chorus that was borne to him from 
 the open windows of the Dickinson opposite. 
 From time to time the frantic figure of Mon 
 tague Skinner could be seen rushing through the 
 rooms in a confused attempt to serve many mas 
 ters. 
 
 [138] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " That s quite a speedy valet service they ve 
 organized over there," said the Gutter Pup en 
 viously. 
 
 " It s a mistake," said the Tennessee Shad in 
 lazy disapproval. 
 
 "How so?" 
 
 "The Beefsteak won t stand it. He ll run 
 away ship before the mast and all that sort of 
 thing. They re overdoing it." 
 
 " Well, can you blame the crowd? " said the 
 Gutter Pup, thinking of the smoking fiasco. 
 " Why, I can taste those cigars yet." 
 
 As this was a delicate subject and the Shad 
 was quite aware that his own motives were under 
 the gravest suspicion, he turned the conversation 
 with a yawn. 
 
 "All the same I d like to swipe that young 
 gold mine for one little week," he remarked. 
 
 The expression was casual and without malice, 
 but no sooner uttered than it became a moving 
 idea. Unseen by the Gutter Pup, the Tennessee 
 Shad experienced almost a physical shock. His 
 head rose eagerly and his eyes focusing on the 
 noisy Dickinson fixed themselves in a dreamy 
 stare. 
 
 [139] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Supposin I did swipe him? " he said softly 
 to himself. 
 
 Now, of course such an act was in direct de 
 fiance of all law and precedent, which forbids 
 poaching beyond territorial limits. The Ten 
 nessee Shad, however, was one who be 
 queathed precedents rather than followed 
 them. 
 
 With this predatory scheme in mind the Ten 
 nessee Shad became keenly alive to the turbulent 
 course of the Uncooked Beefsteak s education in 
 the Dickinson. 
 
 Shortly afterwards Skinner, voyaging toward 
 the Jigger Shop, was agreeably surprised to per 
 ceive the thin, elongated body of the Tennessee 
 Shad bearing across his path with the most 
 friendly intentions. 
 
 " Why, it s the Pet of the Lobster Palaces ! " 
 said the Shad, seemingly surprised by the en 
 counter. 
 
 Skinner who had had nicknames showered 
 upon him like flowers about a prima donna, ac 
 cepted the title without demur. 
 
 "Going over to the village?" said the Shad 
 cheerily. 
 
 [140] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Come on. How are things going? " 
 
 " Oh, all right," said the Beefsteak wearily 
 adopting the answer de rigueur. 
 
 " Not very chipper, though? " 
 
 Oh, well " 
 
 " The merry little sunshine smile not exactly 
 working, eh? " 
 
 fNo a." 
 
 They had now come to that short and narrow 
 dash that leads to the Jigger Shop, and the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak, not only seeking sympathy, but 
 willing to buy it, said : 
 
 " How about a few jiggers? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad who was always subtle, 
 brushing aside an immediate advantage in order 
 to launch more securely his future maneuvres, 
 replied : 
 
 " ThaDks, old Hippopotamus, but I m out for 
 exercise." 
 
 Now, had Skinner been anything but a new 
 comer the monstrosity of this statement would 
 have put him at once on the qui-vive. As it was, 
 he wag overwhelmed by a stranger sentiment. 
 For the first time since his advent to the school 
 
 [141] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 he had offered and received a refusal. With 
 this unexpected shock all defiance and suspicion 
 died away. 
 
 " Who s putting you through the paces?" 
 said the Tennessee Shad, observing the result 
 with satisfaction. 
 
 " Why, it s no particular one/ said Skinner 
 sadly. 
 
 " But Macnooder is the worst !" said the Shad, 
 striving for an advantage. 
 
 " Perhaps." 
 
 "Pretty strenuous, eh? what?" 
 
 Skinner passed his hand over his moist fore 
 head and admitted without qualification the 
 justice of the observation. 
 
 " That s the trouble with Macnooder he s so 
 coarse ! " 
 
 Skinner, thus artfully encouraged, blurted 
 out: 
 
 " I don t mind the rest, but it s the scrubbing- 
 up the shoes, the blacking, that gets my nerves." 
 
 " You ve got good nerve though," said the 
 Shad, examining critically the stained fingers. 
 
 " Oh, I ll stick it out." 
 
 " Good boy. Too bad you re not with us." 
 [143] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " I say, how long " said Skinner, who then 
 balked and stopped. 
 
 " How long will you have to be the Merry Lit 
 tle Bootblack?" 
 
 Yes that s about it." 
 
 " Urn m. That depends. Now I ll tell you 
 what to do," said the Tennessee Shad, carefully 
 choosing the best means to prolong the period of 
 servitude that now seemed to promise him such 
 fair returns. " Jolly right up with them ! " 
 
 " What? " said Skinner amazed. 
 
 " Sure. Show you re one of them. Walk 
 right up and swat em on the back ! " 
 
 " No ! " 
 
 " Jump in and tickle em right under the ribs 
 
 - be playful." 
 "Playful?" 
 
 " That s the game. Start a few jokes at em 
 yourself." 
 
 " What kind? " 
 
 " Create the trousers the wrong way a lit 
 tle mucillage in their shoes, camphor balls down 
 the lamp chimney, and all that sort of thing." 
 
 "But what ll they do? " 
 
 " Do? Why, they ll discharge you for a bum 
 [143] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 valet!" id the Tennessee Shad with tears in 
 his eyes. 
 
 "By Gc ge, I ll try it." 
 
 " Do, an ,1 say " 
 
 "What? ? 
 
 " Start or. Macnooder." 
 
 "Why Macnooder?" 
 
 " You see, Doc s got more sense of humor than 
 the rest." 
 
 Skinner, longing for company, suggested Con- 
 over s and pancakes. The Tennessee Shad re 
 fused. On the return Skinner pleaded again the 
 attractions of the Jigger Shop. The Tennessee 
 Shad refused again but it was an awful wrench. 
 They parted, Skinner made gorgeously happy by 
 an invitation to visit the treasure rooms of the 
 Tennessee Shad who dove around a corner to 
 give liberty to his true feelings. 
 
 When the Dickinson scouts reported for the 
 fifth successive time that the Uncooked Beef 
 steak, property and perquisite of the House, had 
 met the Tennessee Shad and led him from one 
 gormandizing result to another, paying all bills, 
 great was the indignation thereof. 
 
 " Look here, boy," said Turkey Eeiter to Doc 
 [144] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 Macnooder at the hastily summoned council of 
 war, " what are we going to do about it? Sup- 
 posin we let up a bit? The Beefsteak isn t so 
 worse, after all." 
 
 " There s no use in letting the Tennessee Shad 
 get away with the goods," said the Triumphant 
 Egghead, who also felt defrauded by Skinner s 
 constant excursions with a member of a foreign 
 state. 
 
 Now Macnooder had been the chief victim of 
 the Tennessee Shad s artful advice to Skinner, 
 but he had no intention of publishing the fact. 
 Equally he was resolved not to allow the Ten 
 nessee Shad to force him to a change of policy. 
 
 " The trouble with you cheap sports is your 
 accounts are busted, and you want to be fed/ he 
 remarked witheringly. 
 
 "Well what of it?" said the Egghead braz 
 enly. 
 
 " Don t you see it s all the Tennessee Shad s 
 doings? He s put it into the Beefsteak s head 
 that he can starve us out." 
 
 " Of course he has got to be kept in subjec 
 tion," said Turkey Reiter, " but couldn t we re 
 lent a little?" 
 
 [145] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Never ! " said Vulture Watkins. " The trou 
 ble with that New York dude is the moment you 
 treat him decent, he gets unbearable." 
 
 " He certainly has been fresh enough lately ! " 
 
 " Still/ said Turkey Reiter, " I don t see why 
 we couldn t relent a little." 
 
 " Why should our import trade be deflected/ 
 added the Triumphant Egghead. " Skinner be 
 longs to us, doesn t he? Well, then, what right 
 has he to fatten up the Tennessee Shad? " 
 
 " In the first place," said Macnooder, raising 
 his voice to quell the mutiny, " the Tennessee 
 Shad won t fatten. In the second place, just sit 
 back and wait. When the Beefsteak really gets 
 to know the Tennessee Shad he ll come limping 
 straight back to us. In the third place, I will 
 have a few fat little words with the Tennessee 
 Shad and tell him what we think of him." 
 
 In pursuance of which, choosing his time, Mac 
 nooder crossed the path of the Tennessee Shad 
 at the moment when his late partner, having left 
 Skinner, was returning languidly home, well fed 
 and rejoicing. 
 
 " Hello," said Macnooder, assuming a critical 
 position. 
 
 [146] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Why, it s Macnooder isn t it? " said the Shad 
 blandly. " Have you come to divvy up on that 
 little graft of yours? " 
 
 " I ve come," said Macnooder wrathfully, " to 
 tell you just what we think of you, you low- 
 down, body-snatching nursery maid ! " 
 
 " What strong words ! " 
 
 " See here ! What right have you got to in 
 terfere with the business of the Dickinson?" 
 
 "I, interfere? Gracious goodness! Do you 
 mean little Montague?" 
 
 " I do. What right have you got to come 
 poaching over on our grounds? " 
 
 " Are you vexed because Beefsteak buys me hot 
 dogs and jiggers and turkish paste and eclairs 
 and root beer and pancakes? " said the Shad 
 smiling, " and lots and lots of other juicy 
 things?" 
 
 " Look here, the Beefsteak is fresh as paint. 
 It s up to us to educate him and it s up to you to 
 keep off!" 
 
 "Why, hasn t he improved?" said the Shad 
 looking at Macnooder with a malicious eye. 
 " Doesn t he attend to your boots as a real valet 
 should?" 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Will you let Mm alone? " 
 
 " Why don t you be kind and gentle with him? 
 If you re hungry ask him po-litely ! " 
 
 " Shad, if you weighed a hundred pounds I d 
 whang the life out of you ! " 
 
 " Thank you, I weigh just ninety-eight and a 
 half." 
 
 "If you weighed a hundred, I d kick the slats 
 out of you ! " 
 
 " Don t boast," said the Shad softly. " If I 
 weighed a hundred, you d settle up with me." 
 
 " Then you won t keep off? " 
 
 "Alas!" 
 
 "Lookout!" 
 
 "Threats?" 
 
 "We ll get you yet!" 
 
 " Try." 
 
 " Anyhow, you bunco steerer, I ll bet you can t 
 keep him a week ! " 
 
 "Why, Doc," said the Shad brightening, 
 " that is the first real word of sense you ve 
 spoken. But do remember that I m doing it all 
 because I am so very fond of Montague, and not 
 because I m trying to even up matters with you. 
 Oh, dear no! Ta! Ta!" 
 
 [148] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Just the same, said the Tennessee Shad to 
 himself as he left the infuriated Macnooder. 
 " There s a good deal in what Doc says. I won 
 der how long I can keep my hands out 
 really out of that stuffed bank from New 
 York." 
 
 Three days later, Dennis de Brian de Boru 
 Finnegan gamboling in, found the Tennessee 
 Shad on the window seat in the reflective atti 
 tude of Sherlock Holmes, the character he most 
 admired, mumbling to himself. Finnegan, lis 
 tening, heard strange muffled words. 
 
 " Why not end it all sooner or later? 
 What s the dif ? " 
 
 "End what?" said Finnegan, mystified. 
 " What s wrong? " 
 
 " It s the Beefsteak," said the Tennessee Shad 
 perceiving him. " Irishman, did you ever try to 
 resist temptation?" 
 
 Finnegan sat down and tried to remember. 
 
 " I m resisting but oh, it hurts ! " said the 
 Shad. 
 
 " The Beefsteak is some fresh vegetables, isn t 
 lie? " said Finnegan understanding. 
 
 " It isn t that," said the Shad, " though that is 
 [149] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 bad enough. It s the thought of all the green 
 goods he is just itching to buy." 
 
 "Why don t you?" 
 
 " But then he ll go back to the Dickinson." 
 
 "Well, why do you?" 
 
 " But if I don t, then Macnooder will." 
 
 Finnegan ceased to offer suggestions. 
 
 " It s wrong," he said. 
 
 " Of course." 
 
 " You re interfering in his kindergarten edu 
 cation." 
 
 " I know." 
 
 "And the Beefsteak has just got to be edu 
 cated out of those sporting ideas of his." 
 
 " Don t I have to listen to them? " 
 
 " My advice," said Dennis who was all for dis 
 cipline, having signally evaded it, " is to wrap 
 up one beautiful gold brick, an eighteen karat 
 smasher, coupon buster, soak it to him and quit 
 the game." 
 
 " I am such a creature of habit," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad, thinking of the pleasant, refresh 
 ing trips to the village. 
 
 At this moment from below came a timid 
 hallo. 
 
 [150] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Oh, Tennessee Shad ! " 
 
 Finnegan, hanging over the window sill, per 
 ceived below the irresolute figure of the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak and summoned him up. Now 
 Skinner had never yet gathered his courage to 
 the point of a visit to the distinguished room. 
 As it was, he shifted a long moment from foot 
 to foot before daring to enter. 
 
 " Look at the Dickinson," said the Tennessee 
 Shad gleefully. " Why, the whole house is 
 boiling up." 
 
 Opposite, every window seemed tenanted with 
 indignant spectators. 
 
 " Now is your time," said Finnegan hurriedly. 
 " Sell him the whole blooming shooting match." 
 
 " No." 
 
 "Yes!" 
 
 " I mustn t." 
 
 " You must." 
 
 The door opened gently and Skinner, visibly 
 overcome, stole in on his tiptoes and bumped 
 down into the nearest chair. As Finnegan had 
 calculated, no sooner had this first temperamen 
 tal weakness passed than Skinner s gaze clear 
 ing, fastened in wonder upon the strange collec- 
 
 [151] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 tion of real and bogus trophies which literally 
 choked the walls from floor to ceiling. Each 
 article recalled a chapter in the mercantile prog 
 ress of the Tennessee Shad and Dink Stover, 
 and some were reminders of youthful gullibility. 
 Notably was this the case in a souvenir toilet 
 set of seven colors which Stover in his salad 
 days had brought from Macnooder with the joy 
 of a Pittsburg millionaire stumbling on an orig 
 inal Rembrandt. With his rise to fame, Stover, 
 turning philosopher, had refused to part with this 
 reminder of past enthusiasm, keeping it promi 
 nently displayed as a sort of anchor to common 
 sense w r hen too great a satisfaction with self 
 should tend to raise his feet from the ground. 
 
 No sooner did the Beefsteak perceive this va 
 riegated assortment of odd china than he sat 
 erect and asked. 
 
 "Gee, what s that?" 
 
 Dennis, with a triumphant glance at the Ten 
 nessee Shad, assumed an auctioneering attitude 
 and rapturously detailed the many imaginary 
 points of interest that could lend value to such a 
 collection. 
 
 Propped up on the window-seat, the Tennessee 
 [152] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIEM 
 
 Shad watched through half closed eyes the re 
 sponsive eager flush on Skinner s face. 
 
 " He would buy it, he would, he certainly 
 would, 7 he said to himself, mastering his emo 
 tions with difficulty. " Think of selling it back, 
 right under the nose of Old Macnooder! " 
 
 At this moment, as though, to add to his trials, 
 Skinner having listened enraptured to Finne- 
 gan s recital, exclaimed: 
 
 " You don t say so ! By jingo, wouldn t I like 
 to have that, though ! " 
 
 Finnegan yawned, as is customary when a 
 strong emotion is to be concealed, and said in a 
 sort of haphazard way: 
 
 " Why, you can always fling out a nice juicy 
 young bid. You never can tell. Perhaps Stover s 
 hard up." 
 
 " Really? " said the Uncooked Beefsteak, turn 
 ing to the joint proprietor. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad swallowed hard, glanced 
 out the window to resist temptation, and said 
 almost angrily, 
 
 " Not for sale." 
 
 " Perhaps Skinner here would like a chance at 
 the football shoes," said Finnegan who at first 
 
 [153] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 believed the Shad was simply working up the 
 scene for a slaughter en masse. 
 
 "What s that?" said the Beefsteak at once. 
 
 " The identical, historic, specially preserved 
 shoes, that Flash Condit wore when he scored on 
 the Princeton Varsity," said Finnegan, who dis 
 appeared in quest. 
 
 Of course Skinner listened, admired and 
 wanted to buy. The Tennessee Shad again re 
 fused, but with difficulty and in a weaker voice. 
 Finnegan scratched his head, sorely vexed, and 
 led the Beefsteak up to the consideration of sev 
 eral articles of fabulous history, including a 
 watch charm supposed (but not guaranteed) to 
 be made of that clapper whose theft had once 
 thrown the school into such a turmoil. The Un 
 cooked Beefsteak admired everything without re 
 serve, coveted everything, and showed extreme 
 willingness to pay spot cash. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, had he been tied to a 
 stake to the accompaniment of twenty howling 
 savages, could have suffered no more. Finally 
 almost overcome, he rose and hastened from the 
 room. Finnegan, quite amazed, followed and 
 last of all, Skinner with the reluctant step of the 
 
 [154] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 disappointed collector. Half way down the 
 second flight of stairs the Tennessee Shad could 
 go no further. He turned, leaning against the 
 banisters, facing the Uncooked Beefsteak. 
 
 " Say, you don t really want to buy? " he said 
 faintly, hoping against hope that Skinner would 
 return a contrary answer. 
 
 " You bet I do!" 
 
 "Cash?" continued the Tennessee Shad still 
 hoping. " It s got to be cash down." 
 
 Skinner, back in a familiar way, flashed a 
 bundle of bills and said : 
 
 " Why boy, just look these over." 
 
 " Go back ! " said the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 He watched Skinner spring up the stairs, the 
 roll of bills carried insolently in his hand. 
 
 " Well, it s sending him back to Macnooder," 
 he thought wistfully, " making him a present, 
 but I can t resist my nature ! " 
 
 Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan, who, of 
 course, could suspect only a little of the inner 
 conflict, pressed his hand covertly in admiration 
 of what he at once considered the highest mer 
 cantile strategy. 
 
 When, half an hour later, the Tennessee Shad 
 [155] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 and the ebullient Skinner again descended the 
 stairs to seal the compact in the usual way ( Fin- 
 negan being detained by the annoyance of a 
 recitation) the Tennessee Shad felt not the 
 slightest elation. He glanced gloomingly at 
 Skinner s immaculate creases going before him 
 on the narrow walk and a feeling of remorse 
 came over him, the flat heavy tasteless feeling 
 that succeeds the plunge into temptation. 
 
 " It s the last time/ 7 he thought, glancing back 
 at the Dickinson where several wolfish eyes still 
 watched his progress. " It s the last time that 
 walking safe deposit will ever open for me. 
 Well, there s only one thing to be done. If it is 
 the last, I ll eat till I bust ! " 
 
 With this colossal heroism in mind he said 
 to prepare the Beefsteak for the hecatombs that 
 were to come. 
 
 " Skinner, Old Sporting Tootlets, I feel rather 
 hungry." 
 
 " My boy," said the exultant purchaser, " go 
 as far as you like." 
 
 The tone was the tone that answered obse 
 quious head waiters in expensive metropolitan 
 restaurants. The patronage decided the Tennes- 
 
 [156] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 see Shad. The Beefsteak was really impossible 
 when you treated him like a human being. He 
 would show him no mercy. 
 
 " Well, Old Gazello," said the Uncooked Beef 
 steak, in imitation of Turkey Eeiter, " pick out 
 anything you want. You can t scare me, I ve 
 got the wad ! " 
 
 He clapped him on the shoulder as a patron 
 of gladiators might. The Tennessee Shad 
 winced as from a blow and the last grumbling 
 of his thin conscience died away. 
 
 " Shad, old boy ! " said Skinner, throwing 
 back his coat and allowing the tips of his pink 
 fingers to slide along the blazing vest into the 
 pockets. " You don t know what a real gorge 
 is. I can t stand with you on this food here. 
 It really is dyspeptic, you know. But say, wait 
 till Thanksgiving, come up to the hotel with me 
 and I ll show you what a real blow-out is. I ll 
 put you up against some real sports, I will." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad swallowed his wrath, 
 glancing about to make sure no one was within 
 hearing distance. 
 
 " My boy," continued Skinner, forgetting him 
 self, " you young ones here don t know me ! " 
 
 [157] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "We don t, eh?" 
 
 " Not a bit. Why, when I come in, every 
 head waiter in New York conies up on the jump. 
 They have named a couple of dishes after me." 
 
 " You don t say so ! " 
 
 " Fact." 
 
 " You re a little tin wonder, aren t you ! " said 
 the Tennessee Shad, beginning to be angry. 
 
 The constant opening of the pocketbook had 
 stripped Skinner of the last semblance of awe 
 toward the Tennessee Shad. He laughed a 
 short, disagreeable laugh. 
 
 "A wonder? I m a real sport no ten-cent 
 article like you put up with around here the 
 real dead game variety ! " 
 
 This last indiscretion was too much for the 
 Tennessee Shad. He left abruptly and dashing 
 across the street, plunged through the doors of 
 the Jigger Shop, straight into the arms of Mr. 
 Lucius Cassius Hopkins, the Old Roman him 
 self. For a second, face to face with that su 
 preme flunker of boys, all thought deserted him. 
 Then, assuming a look of combined grief and 
 terror, he cried: 
 
 "A roll of court plaster and a bandage Al, 
 [158] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 quick s you can! Fellow at house cut his 
 foot!" 
 
 But at this moment the Uncooked Beefsteak 
 all unprepared, flopped in, crying hilariously : 
 
 " Lord, Al, open up a whole can ! " 
 
 Then he saw the Roman. 
 
 "A can of court plaster? Yes?" said the 
 Roman with a little joyful burbling sound. 
 " Well, speak up." 
 
 "No, sir." 
 
 " Not court plaster? " 
 
 " No, sir," 
 
 " Just the ordinary destructive, daily poison 
 well?" 
 
 " Yes, sir," said the Tennessee Shad slowly. 
 
 " So." 
 
 The Roman paused and, shooting up an eye 
 brow, fixed them with his long glance as though 
 to petrify them first and punish them after. 
 Montague Skinner was chilled to the bone, a 
 sensation further enhanced by perceiving from 
 his angle of observation, a more fortunate pair 
 of legs, en cachette, behind the counter. 
 
 Now the Roman ruled not simply by the weight 
 of an iron hand, but by the terrors of an imagi- 
 [159] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 nation endowed with humor and satire. And 
 so, remembering that it was the Tennessee Shad 
 who waited before him, he decided to fit the 
 punishment to the criminal. 
 
 " No excuse no further excuse none at 
 all? Imagination numbed not working to 
 day? Too bad. Ten times around the Circle. 
 Do it now." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad was thunderstruck. He 
 went out in high indignation. Of course the 
 Roman had done it on purpose. There were a 
 dozen punishments he might have selected 
 sent him to Penal for an afternoon! but to 
 choose this, knowing his aversion to muscular 
 strains ! It was an outrage. 
 
 " Why, ten times around the Circle is over two 
 miles," he said furiously as they tramped away. 
 " I ve never walked that in my life. The old 
 rhinoceros, he did it on purpose! It s un 
 fair. It s discrimination persecution tyr 
 anny. I ve a mind to go right up to the Doc 
 tor." 
 
 " The Old Koman s down on you," said Skin- 
 ner, who had learned a number of the routine 
 formulas. 
 
 [160] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Course he is, always lias been. Nice mess 
 you ve got me in." 
 
 " How was I to know? " said Skinner. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad relapsed into gloomy med 
 itation. What he did not voice aloud was that 
 the real humiliation threatened was the spectacle 
 of himself, yoked to the Beefsteak, parading be 
 fore the hilarious audience of the school. Of 
 course, Macnooder, of all persons, and the Dick 
 inson cohorts, with the memory of defrauded 
 threats, would come piling out to hoot him 
 caught in his own trap, publicly exposed as the 
 boon companion, the bosom friend of the stolen 
 Beefsteak. 
 
 The moment was critical, one of those public 
 trials that changes in a twinkling a reputation 
 and fastens a label of ridicule to a career of 
 honor. What is more, the Tennessee Shad knew 
 the peril. 
 
 In this state of immense mental perturbation 
 and excited brain effort, the Tennessee Shad, 
 heeled by the contrite Skinner, arrived at the 
 edge of that vast area known as the Circle and 
 gazed in horror, as the adventurous sailors of 
 Columbus gazed at the limitless waters. 
 
 [161] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 But fortune favored him. Directly in front 
 stood a wheelbarrow waiting the reappearance 
 of the gardener. His gaze left the stretches of 
 the Circle and paused at the thing on wheels at 
 his side. A moment later he said breathless- 
 
 iy: 
 
 "Beefsteak!" 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " Do you remember what the Roman told us? " 
 
 " Sure, ten times around the Circle.* 
 
 " But the exact words? " 
 
 " That s it, ten times around the Circle." 
 
 " He didn t say walk ten times? " 
 
 " Why, no." 
 
 " Ah ! " The Tennessee Shad drew a long, 
 comforted breath. He was saved. Then, care 
 fully considering the inexperienced Skinner, he 
 said carelessly putting one foot on the wheel 
 barrow, 
 
 " Gee, if I could turn the laugh on the Old 
 Roman! If I could get the best of him some 
 way! They could fire me, I wouldn t care." 
 
 Skinner s glance in turn fell on the wheel 
 barrow. 
 
 "Eureka!" 
 
 [162] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " What is it? " said the Shad, wondering if lie 
 had taken the bait. 
 
 " I say ! I have a wonderful idea. The wheel 
 barrow ! " 
 
 "What about it?" 
 
 " We take turns, one gets in the wheelbarrow 
 and the other wheels him around." 
 
 " Skinner, you re a genius," said the Tennes 
 see Shad with great effusion. " It s the greatest 
 joke ever heard. It ll kill the Roman. He ll 
 explode. You re a hero, my boy. The whole 
 school will cheer you on. How did you think 
 of it?" 
 
 "Who ll start?" 
 
 " I will," said the Shad, hastily slipping into 
 the wheelbarrow. " I weigh hardly anything, 
 let her go." 
 
 Now the legs secreted behind the counter at 
 the Jigger Shop belonged to Hungry Smead, 
 who as soon as the Roman departed, had gone 
 scampering gleefully back to the Dickinson with 
 the joyful tale of the Tennessee Shad s having 
 been caught with the Uncooked Beefsteak. In 
 one minute the entire house came rushing out 
 to behold the humiliation of the crafty usurper 
 
 [163] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 of their own property. What they beheld in 
 stead was the lank limbs of the Tennessee Shad 
 stuffed into the wheelbarrow that Skinner was 
 trundling with an air of strained but supreme 
 content. 
 
 " Well, I ll be jig-swiggered," said Macnooder 
 ruefully. 
 
 " Can you beat him? " 
 
 " The Shad certainly is a wonder." 
 
 " How the deuce do you suppose he got him 
 to do it?" 
 
 " Why, he s got the Beefsteak so hypnotized 
 that he s grinning all over." 
 
 " He certainly is ! " 
 
 " Boys, we can t help it, we ll have to give the 
 Shad a cheer," said Macnooder overcome with 
 admiration and soaring for once above the 
 earthly line of dollars and cents in his enthusi 
 asm for the artist, he said to himself, " I cer 
 tainly must compromise, the firm has got to go 
 on!" 
 
 " We certainly will." 
 
 The cheer that went rollicking over the cam 
 pus, waking up the inmates of the Houses, en 
 couraged Skinner wonderfully. He took it as a 
 
 [164] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 personal tribute. Startled by the unexpected 
 clamor, the school came rushing to the windows, 
 beheld the extraordinary voyage of the Tennessee 
 Shad and sure of a sensation, came swarming 
 out. 
 
 " Take it easy, Montague, old chap," said the 
 Tennessee Shad. " Best every half time around. 
 Besides, we want the whole bunch to get on to 
 us." 
 
 " Say, it s about your turn," said Skinner, 
 happy but very hot. 
 
 " Never," said the Tennessee Shad firmly. 
 " You re safe ; you run no risks. But it s ten 
 to one they fire me." 
 
 " I ll take the risk," said Skinner. 
 
 " No, you won t," said the Shad tragically. 
 " Besides, it s a wonderful sell on the Koman, if 
 I never touch foot to the ground. Oh, wonder 
 ful ! " 
 
 " Still," said the Beefsteak doubtfully. 
 
 " My boy, the glory is all yours. You had 
 the idea, you get all the credit," said the Shad, 
 manfully resisting the temptation. " Hear that 
 cheer? Look at the mob running over from the 
 Upper with cameras* too. It s the finest thing 
 
 C 165] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 ever happened. Twice around now, that s a fifth 
 the distance already. Keep agoing." 
 
 By this time the Circle was lined with rol 
 licking, roaring boys, vying with one another 
 who should cheer the loudest for the Tennessee 
 Shad. 
 
 " Don t cheer me fellows, cheer the Beefsteak," 
 cried the Shad, giving the high sign. " It s his 
 idea, he thought it up. Cheer for the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak." 
 
 And the school, gazing on the perfectly satis 
 fied countenance of Skinner, understood the part 
 it had to play. Immense cheers for the unsus 
 pecting dupe rolled forth, jumping from group 
 to group that before respective houses crowded 
 down to the edge of the roadway. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak, with every muscle 
 strained, saw only the triumph in front, knowing 
 nothing of the hilarious groups behind his back, 
 that locked arms and danced with joy. 
 
 "Isn t he wonderful?" 
 
 " Look at the Shad s face ! " 
 
 " How does he look so solemn ! " 
 
 "And the Beefsteak thinks he is it!" 
 
 "Oh, joy!" 
 
 [166] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Oh, rapture ! " 
 
 " Cheese it. Here he comes again." 
 
 " Three cheers, fellows, for Beefsteak I " 
 
 The rolling accompaniment of cheers spurred 
 Skinner on to supreme efforts. He was abso 
 lutely, airily happy. He beamed on the pro 
 cession of excited faces that shouted forth their 
 encouragement and at times was so convulsed 
 with his own humor that he was forced to stop 
 to let the gale of merriment spend itself. 
 
 He waited no longer than was necessary to 
 rest the ache in his armpits, and then was off on 
 the glorious journey. At the completion of the 
 sixth round, the Tennessee Shad insisted that 
 he should be massaged and a dozen hands 
 fought for the honor; another crowd with flap 
 ping handkerchiefs fanned air on his boiled com 
 plexion, while from all sides he heard the 
 plaudits. 
 
 " Beefsteak, you re it ! 
 
 " The grandest scheme " 
 
 "How did you think of it?" 
 
 "Keep it up." 
 
 " It s a record breaker." 
 
 " You re strong as an ox. 5 * 
 [167] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "All ready ?" said the Tennessee Shad with 
 maternal solicitude. " Here, wrap those han 
 dles with handkerchiefs, some of you loafers. 
 Clear the way there, for Beefsteak ! " 
 
 Intoxicated with the strong intoxication of 
 the multitude, the seventh round was com 
 pleted before he knew it. Then the roadway 
 seemed suddenly to harden and strike his feet 
 with the impact of every step. The Tennessee 
 Shad began to grow to the proportions of P. 
 Lentz and the circle to widen like the journeying 
 ripples from a dropped stone. Four times he 
 set down the awful burden and gasped for 
 breath before the welcoming shouts went up. 
 
 "Eight rounds !" 
 
 " Only two more." 
 
 " Bully for the Beefsteak ! " 
 
 " Strong as a blacksmith." 
 
 "More massage." 
 
 " Hub down the Beefsteak." 
 
 He began the ninth round; the chorus of 
 shrieks and cheers was one steady howl in his 
 ears, handkerchiefs and caps fluttered over his 
 head, while dimly he heard new shouts, 
 
 " Go it there, you Beefsteak ! " 
 [168] 
 
A SLIGHT DISPUTE IN THE FIRM 
 
 " Show your speed." 
 
 Hit up that pace." 
 
 " Make a record ! " 
 
 Then he saw nothing but the interminable 
 white space over the peaked head of the Ten 
 nessee Shad. Every fifty feet he set the wheel 
 barrow down to rest, doggedly resolved not to 
 fail. Then the tenth round, the final triumph 
 began. Ready to drop, paying for every yard 
 gained by a hundred shooting pains, stopping, 
 jerking along blindly, unheeding, he came at 
 last to the supreme quarter and wheeled the Ten 
 nessee Shad straight to the entrance of the Ken 
 nedy House, set down the wheelbarrow and 
 turned gloriously to view the triumph. 
 
 Suddenly he heard a shout wilder than all 
 the rest and looking at the terrace of the Ken 
 nedy, beheld a sight that swept away the clouds 
 of his illusion like a clap of wind. On the top 
 step stood the Old Roman, a handkerchief at 
 his eyes, doubling over with laughter, shaking 
 hands, actually shaking hands, with the Tennes 
 see Shad. 
 
 [169] 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 FACTS LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 After the Beefsteak s brief but disillusioning 
 visit with the Tennessee Shad, Macnooder ob 
 served with satisfaction that while he had suf 
 fered he had not improved. 
 
 Just what was the matter with the Uncooked 
 Beefsteak was still a puzzle to the Dickinson 
 House. It was quite evident that so long as he 
 was oppressed and forced to the menial exer 
 cises of boot-blacking and clothes-pressing, he 
 was moderately inoffensive. It was equally 
 evident that the moment the ban was lifted in 
 the slightest and he was restored to human in 
 tercourse, he became absolutely unbearable. But 
 the reason thereof was not to be found. 
 
 " What the dickens is the matter with him 
 anyhow," said Turkey Reiter. " We have cer 
 tainly given him enough exercise." 
 
 " Ah, he ll never learn," said the Egghead, 
 who always took a gloomy view. 
 
 [170] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 " He s all right when he is cleaning out the 
 room," said Hungry Smeed, who had never en 
 joyed the luxury of a valet. 
 
 " We certainly treat him like a dog." 
 
 "We certainly do!" 
 
 "It s a crime!" 
 
 "Well, what are you going to do about it?" 
 
 " You d think he would learn a thing or 
 two." 
 
 " Well, at any rate," said Macnooder, " he s 
 stayed on the reservation lately. No wander 
 ing from the fireside, and all that sort of thing. 
 I ll bet the Tennessee Shad s tongue is hanging 
 out every time the Beefsteak goes over to the 
 village." 
 
 Macnooder spoke vindictively, harboring vin 
 dictive impulses towards the Tennessee Shad 
 ever since the return of the souvenir toilet set 
 to the Dickinson. Likewise the Uncooked Beef 
 steak, innocently acting on the artful suggestion 
 of the Tennessee Shad, had returned to Macnoo 
 der, in the joyful belief of restoring a sacrificed 
 heirloom, the football shoes which Flash Con- 
 dit did not wear when he crossed the Princeton 
 goal line. As the restoration was made in pri- 
 
 [171] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 rate, Doc Macnooder accepted it with admirable 
 gravity and saved thereby a public advertise 
 ment. But the blow told. 
 
 It would not do, however, any longer to risk 
 open warfare with the Tennessee Shad, backed 
 by the busy imaginations of Dink Stover and 
 Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan. Another 
 would have sought revenge. Not so Macnooder. 
 His instinct was always financial. If he could 
 not destroy, he would combine. With this idea 
 in mind he began, introspectively and outwardly, 
 to seek for some scheme worthy to offer to 
 the Tennessee Shad as basis for a new treaty. 
 After a season of wandering dreamily, straw in 
 mouth, cap set ruminatively on the incline of 
 his head, a fortunate conjunction developed an 
 idea which almost resulted in a football riot and 
 did produce a situation that should be brought 
 to the attention of the omniscient body of rules- 
 makers if only to avert a lurking danger which 
 might turn a scholarly clash of gladiatorial uni 
 versities into a shambles. 
 
 Macnooder, after a week of fruitless search 
 ing, was gazing hopelessly out of the window at 
 the departing candidates for the House elevens, 
 
 [172] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 when a knock was heard and the voice of the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak meekly sought admission. 
 
 Now for two days the ban had been lifted on 
 the dispenser of Skinner s wealth, and Montague 
 had been treated like a citizen; which, trans 
 lated, means that the features of Turkey Beiter, 
 the Triumphant Egghead, Macnooder, et cetera, 
 had once more returned to the hostile interiors 
 of the Jigger Shop and Con over s. 
 
 " Come in," said Macnooder. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak found his way 
 through the litter of bottles and boxes and 
 joined Macnooder on the window-seat. 
 
 "Well, what s up?" said Macnooder critic 
 ally perceiving at once an air of importance and 
 pride about his visitor. 
 
 " I say, Doc," said Skinner, heedless of the 
 cold and antagonistic glance, " what do you 
 say to injecting a little sporting life into this 
 dead hole?" 
 
 " Oh, you think it is a dead hole," said Mac 
 nooder softly. 
 
 Skinner stifled a yawn and ran two fingers 
 down the creases of his trouser leg. 
 
 " Come off, now. You know it s dead." 
 [173] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Say, you must have an idea." 
 
 " I have." 
 
 "Touch her off." 
 
 " What do you say to getting up a book on the 
 bouse games? " 
 
 "Gambling, Rollo?" said Macnooder, turning 
 over the thought rapidly. 
 
 " Oh, rot ! " said Skinner. " Don t josh me 
 now." 
 
 " I m thinking hard/ 
 
 " It s quite sporty and heaps of fun." 
 
 " You ve done this before? " 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " But don t you think that was very wrong of 
 you, Montague? " said Macnooder, who had not 
 yet determined on a course of action. 
 
 "If you are talking like that " said Beef 
 steak blushing a litle, and rising. 
 
 " Sit down, sport," said Macnooder dreamily. 
 " Elucidate a little on this here proposition of 
 yours. Where would you begin?" 
 
 " I d begin," said Beefsteak eagerly, " with 
 the Kennedy Woodhull Game next week." 
 
 "The Kennedy?" said Macnooder with a lit 
 tle start of interest. 
 
 [174] 
 
LEADING TO A KECONCILIATION 
 
 " Why not? " 
 
 " But that s a cinch. No one would bet on 
 that. Varsity men can t play this year, and the 
 Woodhull ought to win thirty to nothing." 
 
 " Bet on the score, then." 
 
 Macnooder took a long time before replying. 
 His gaze traveled across and up to the eyrie 
 of the Tennessee Shad, and rested there fondly. 
 
 Finally, smothering his enthusiasm, he said 
 slowly, 
 
 " Yes, I suppose that could be done." 
 
 " Same thing as betting to win and betting for 
 place," said the Beefsteak in a sort of worldly 
 way. 
 
 " But is this a square game? " said Macnooder. 
 
 " Oh, rather," said the Beefsteak. " Why, a 
 bookmaker is the squarest thing a-going. I 
 know a dozen of them*" 
 
 " Now, he s off again on that eternal dead 
 game sporting idea of his," said Macnooder to 
 himself, mentally debating whether or not to 
 consign him at once to the blacking brush. How 
 ever, he temporized. 
 
 "Where, do I come in?" 
 
 " You are an expert adviser," said the Beef- 
 [175] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 steak with just a touch of patronage. " You 
 know the crowd better than I do. You d bet 
 ter work up the bets." 
 
 "Oh, really!" 
 
 " And you get a third of the profits," said the 
 Uncooked Beefsteak hastily. 
 
 " You supply the capital ? " said Macnooder 
 warily. 
 
 " Any amount ! " 
 
 " It s most debauching ! " 
 
 " Pooh ! every gentleman places a little bet 
 now and then," said the Beefsteak in his grand 
 est manner. 
 
 At this moment a call resounded along the 
 hall. 
 
 " Oh, you, Beefsteak, come here and press my 
 pants!" 
 
 The gentleman of fashion disappeared in a 
 twinkling. Skinner looked at Macnooder in a 
 mute appeal. 
 
 " Better go," said Macnooder, thus relieved 
 of all responsibility, " and to-morrow I ll give 
 you an answer." 
 
 That night by recognized routes, Doc Macnoo 
 der journeyed in safety over to the Kennedy and 
 
 [176] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 the lair of the Tennessee Shad. The confer 
 ence was secret, complete, and satisfactory to 
 all parties interested, and the first result was 
 that the next morning the Uncooked Beefsteak 
 was made happy by Macnooder s agreeing to 
 act as a sporting partner in what was agreed 
 should be a deliberate attempt to trim the Ten 
 nessee Shad. 
 
 Since the national game of football has been 
 shorn of horns and hoofs, a little of the truth 
 may be told of the joyful hecatombs of those 
 earlier games in the nineties. Baseball on a 
 professional field smooth as a billard cloth, un 
 der the protecting vision of clubbed discouragers 
 of assault and battery, is one thing; the same 
 pastime on a back lot amid boulders and broken 
 bottles, with opposing gangs waiting and will 
 ing on the lines, is quite a different risk, 
 rated according to insurance tables. 
 
 Such was the relative position of the house 
 games in the realm of football. They were 
 strenuous affairs rare opportunities when 
 the best of friends could physically experiment 
 on each other without an afterthought. Of 
 
 [177] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 course all this is changed, but it was a good 
 school, though a rude one, for the masculine 
 animal, who, refine him as you may, must some 
 how fight his way through this world. 
 
 Now, the Kennedy having four members of 
 the Varsity, was accordingly weakened in its 
 house eleven. The Tennessee Shad, who, as 
 may be remembered was thinner than his own 
 shadow, was not exactly the most corpulent mem 
 ber of the eleven, but a fair representative of 
 the average. He was at quarter-back, and 
 Fatty Harris at center, a combination which 
 looked very much like a cannon ball and a mus 
 ket. Hungry Smeed, who even after he had 
 consumed forty-nine pancakes, never weighed 
 over one hundred and twenty, was at one end 
 and Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan at the 
 other. The guards weighed one hundred and 
 forty and the tackles, the Gutter Pup and Lovely 
 Mead, ten pounds less, and the situation is best 
 understood when it is baldly stated that the 
 team was so mortified that it had refused to 
 stand up and be photographed. 
 
 The Woodhull team, on the contrary, was 
 strong with second team men, averaged over one 
 
 [178] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 hundred fifty pounds to a player, and was al 
 ready conceded the house championship. 
 
 All of which made the conference of Kennedy 
 enthusiasts on the evening before the game, a 
 most oppressively silent gathering. 
 
 " It s a joke," said the Tennessee Shad, re 
 clining on P. Lentz s cushioned frame, to save 
 himself for the morrow s fray. 
 
 " The faculty sprung this dodge about de 
 barring Varsity members just to beat us out of 
 a championship." 
 
 "Sure!" 
 
 " They re down on us." 
 
 " I ll bet Old Baranson at the Woodhull 
 worked it through himself." 
 
 "I ll bet he did!" 
 
 " Well," said Lovely Mead cheerily, " they ll 
 beat us about thirty-six to nothing." 
 
 "Fifty-six!" 
 
 " A hundred and six ! " 
 
 " Never mind, I ll get a crack at Cheyenne 
 Baxter," said the Gutter Pup, who came from 
 the same town and loved his friend. 
 
 " I ve got a few love pats for Butsey White 
 myself." 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 " They outweigh us twenty pounds to a man." 
 " Why, if a wind should start up blowing we 
 wouldn t stay on the field !" 
 
 " If you fellows would only spring some of 
 my trick plays," said Dennis de Brian de Boru 
 Finnegan, " they d never get hold of the ball." 
 "What s your pet idea?" said Stover, yank 
 ing the Irishman to him by an ankle and a wrist. 
 " It s called the fan-wedge," said Dennis, who 
 never resigned hope. " It s just like this, see ! 
 The quarter gives the signal, everyone on the 
 team runs back and out in the lines of the 
 spokes of a fan, and the center snaps the ball 
 when they are on the run. The fan divides 
 and sweeps toward each end and the quarter 
 makes a long pass to whichever side looks best. 
 See?" 
 
 " Dennis," said Stover severely, " go stand in 
 the corner." 
 
 " It ll work, Dink, yon see if it won t! " 
 "What idea is the Shad browsing on?" said 
 Stover, squelching Finnegan by covering his 
 head with a sweater. 
 
 " Oh, I m kind of thinking of something," 
 said the Tennessee Shad in a noncommittal way. 
 
 [180] 
 
LEADING TO A EECONCILIATION 
 
 " Something that is good for thirty-six 
 points?" 
 
 " My idea is a secret," said the Tennessee Shad 
 loftily, " but if it works it will most certainly 
 reduce the score." 
 
 At this came an interruption. 
 
 " Here comes Macnooder ! " 
 
 " And the Beefsteak ! " 
 
 "What s his game?" 
 
 " He s coming over to give us the laugh." 
 
 " Keep quiet," said the Shad quickly. " Don t 
 get in a huff. Just let me draw him out." 
 
 There now appeared, followed by the Uncooked 
 Beefsteak at a valet s distance, Doc Macnooder 
 with a pair of uncased opera glasses strapped 
 to his back, trailing a bamboo cane, a pencil over 
 one ear and a note book in one hand. His ap 
 proach was received in various ways; by the 
 younger members with expectant grins, by the 
 veterans with wary defensive looks, while the 
 Gutter Pup openingly and insultingly took the 
 twenty-two cents that burdened his change 
 pocket, counted them, and slipped them down 
 his sock. 
 
 " Ah there ! " said Macnooder, affably saluting 
 [181] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 with his bamboo cane. " Very pleasant evening, 
 gentlemen. Nice day for ducks, white ducks, 
 of course ! Let me present to you Mr. Montague 
 Skinner, my betting commissioner." 
 
 "Your what?" said two or three voices. 
 
 " I think I said betting commissioner," said 
 Macnooder in his most inviting way. " Monte, 
 did I say betting commissioner? I did. This, 
 gentlemen, is a little betting account, called a 
 book, that I finger thus between my thumb and 
 my first finger. I am told there are a number 
 of gents, called dead game sports, in this House, 
 and I just dropped over to accommodate them. 
 A little flier on the game, eh? " 
 
 At this there was a low, rumbling, portentous 
 sound and Dink Stover, as president of the 
 House, was about to order the proper measures 
 when he suddenly beheld the left eyelid of 
 the Tennessee Shad fluttering on his bony 
 cheek. 
 
 " Now, little bounding boys," said Macnooder, 
 genially poising a pencil, " we will do this in pro 
 fessional fashion; winner first, place afterward. 
 Any Sporting Life eager to place a bet on the 
 Kennedy to win to-morrow s game, step up. 
 
 [182] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 Step up, but don t crowd. We give you two to 
 one, Woodhull to win. Did I hear a noise? " 
 
 " You are a dead game sport, you are," said 
 P. Lentz sarcastically. " Why don t you ask us 
 to give you the money? " 
 
 " Three to one," said Macnooder instantly. 
 
 " How generous ! " 
 
 " Five to one." 
 
 " We re still listening." 
 
 "Six and seven to one. Eight to one. Dol 
 lars to doughnuts, in jiggers, in bank notes, in 
 thousands. Come one, come all. Our capital is 
 unlimited. Ten to one, then. Ten to one the 
 Woodhull wins the game ! " 
 
 " Ten to one the grass comes up in the spring," 
 said the Gutter Pup sarcastically. 
 
 " Ten to one the earth goes around the sun." 
 
 " Ten to one you don t lose whichever way it 
 comes out ! " 
 
 At this, Doc Macnooder hastily changed the 
 subject. 
 
 " Anyone want to bet on the score? Any dead 
 game Kennedy sport got any feeling of confi 
 dence at all?" 
 
 [183] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "What do you want to bet?" said P. Lentz 
 at last, stung into action. 
 
 " Even the Woodhull wins by fifteen 
 points." 
 
 P. Lentz looked at Macnooder as Al at the 
 Jigger Shop was wont to look when the charge 
 account had been overstretched. 
 
 " Well, now, what s your idea? " said Mac 
 nooder professionally. " Speak up my man, 
 speak up ! " 
 
 " I ll bet you even," said King Lentz very 
 slowly, " that they don t score over twenty-four 
 points." 
 
 At this juncture a little lukewarm enthusiasm 
 began to appear, and when Macnooder, after a 
 whispered conference with Skinner, expressed 
 his willingness, quite a number of wagers were 
 recorded. The Tennessee Shad however, re 
 mained obdurate until thirty points had been 
 conceded, when he at length responded, en 
 training in his fall Finnegan and the Gutter 
 Pup. 
 
 " Say, it s a cinch," said Macnooder know 
 ingly to the Uncooked Beefsteak, when they had 
 returned to their rooms. 
 
 [184] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 " Why, thirty points is nothing at all," said 
 Skinner joyfully. 
 
 "Nothing!" 
 
 " Gee, I certainly wanted to get back at that 
 Tennessee Shad. 7 
 
 " Sure you did. Well, you got him. He 
 swallowed the whole fishing pole." 
 
 " But can we collect? r said Skinner, struck 
 by a sudden horrid thought. 
 
 " Now, that s an idea," said Macnooder. " We 
 must fix that. I tell you what Give me your 
 money, and we ll make Turkey Eeiter stake 
 holder and I ll round up those paper collar 
 sports in the Kennedy and make them plunk up 
 to-night." 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak became so superhu- 
 manly unbearable under the stimulus of his new 
 venture that the House in self defense was forced 
 to set him to darning socks. So sure was he 
 of his approaching victory over the Tennessee 
 Shad that not even this additional humiliation 
 could disturb his equanimity. In the afternoon, 
 after scrubbing off the degrading stains of black 
 ing from his fingers, he slanted his pearl gray 
 
 [185] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 fedora at the proper rakish angle on his head, 
 and, rejoicing inwardly, sauntered down to the 
 third field to watch the preliminaries of the 
 game. 
 
 The shivering line of the Kennedy was running 
 through the signals in a weak discouraged way, 
 while the well-nurtured, brawny team of the 
 Woodhull, as though disdaining superfluous ex 
 ertion, was languidly tossing the pigskin to and 
 fro. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak spread his feet, 
 clasped his hands behind his back and, looking 
 over the antagonists, smiled a thoroughly satis 
 fied smile. About him reassuring comments 
 went up. 
 
 "Say, it s a shame!" 
 
 " They ll never be able to count the points." 
 
 " The Woodhull ought to lend them a couple 
 of men." 
 
 " They ll tire themselves out running down the 
 field. 
 
 " Why, there won t even be a first class scrap 
 in it!" 
 
 Macnooder came up, looking very canny. 
 
 " Say, Beefsteak, I ve worked the Shad into 
 doubling all his bets. How about it? " 
 
 [186] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak wrung his hands fur 
 tively but with great feeling. 
 
 Jack Rabbit Lawson, referee, a fifth former 
 with a flower in his buttonhole and a choker tie 
 of several antagonistic shades, now passed lan 
 guidly on to the field, and called the teams to 
 gether, announcing in routine, half-hearted 
 fashion, as he had done in a dozen games before, 
 
 " Of course fellows, no roughing it." 
 
 "Oh, no!" 
 
 "Nothing brutal, nothing coarse!" 
 
 " Oh, dear no ! " 
 
 " Remember, this is a gentleman s game." 
 
 " You bet we will ! " 
 
 " I shall be very strict." 
 
 "Yes, Mr. Referee." 
 
 " The Woodhull wins the toss. The Kennedy 
 kicks off. Are you ready?" 
 
 By common consent, the first line-up was de 
 voted to a friendly exchange of amenities, with 
 honors about even between Cheyenne Baxter and 
 the Gutter Pup, who came from the same town, 
 and Butsey White and Patty Harris, who were 
 too closely related. 
 
 With the second line-up the game began in 
 earnest. There were many scores to wipe out 
 
 [187] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 between the two houses, and Ginger Pop Rooker 
 at quarter for the Woodhull had no intention of 
 losing the verbal opportunity of the present ad 
 vantage. 
 
 " Oh, I say, fellows," he said in a careless, 
 bored way. " What s the use of using the sig 
 nals? Let s tell ? em where we re going. Earn 
 the ball right through Lovely Mead and that lit 
 tle squirt of an Irishman! On your toes! Let 
 her come ! " 
 
 The humiliated Kennedy swarmed frantically 
 to the point attacked, only to be borne back for 
 a five yard loss. The Woodhull came gleefully 
 to its feet, laughing hilariously. 
 
 " Good eye, Ginger ! " 
 
 46 Tell them every time ! " 
 
 " Poor old Kennedy ! " 
 
 " All ready," said Rooker to the shrieks of the 
 spectators. " Put it right through the Gutter 
 Pup this time. Hard now ! " 
 
 For thirty yards the outraged Kennedy was 
 swept back before a fumble stopped the insolent 
 advance. Cheyenne Baxter, at left half, for the 
 Woodhull, owing to a retiring left eye, either saw 
 imperfectly or with his battling right eye fixed 
 
 [188] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 on his chum, the Gutter Pup, momentarily for 
 got the technical presence of the superfluous 
 football. 
 
 At any rate the Kennedy lined up, plunged at 
 the opposing line and were carried back five 
 yards to the accompaniment of derisive shrieks 
 from the squabs of the Woodhull on the side 
 lines. 
 
 There was a hurried consultation in which the 
 Tennessee Shad was seen with his lips to Fatty 
 Harris s ear, and then the team massed for a 
 plunge on center. The ball was passed, there 
 was a forward lunge, a churning movement; 
 half the players went down in a heap and 
 suddenly a report like a dynamite explosion 
 was heard. Among the spectators a clamor 
 arose. 
 
 " What the deuce has happened? " 
 
 " They ve squashed Fatty Harris ! " 
 
 " Fatty Harris is blown up ! " 
 
 " Punctured ! " 
 
 "Squashed flat!" 
 
 "Exploded!" 
 
 " No, it s the ball ! " 
 
 "He s bust the ball!" 
 
 [189] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " He certainly has." 
 
 " Flat as a pancake." 
 
 " Fatty has smashed the ball ! " 
 
 " Well, where is the ball? " 
 
 This last cry quickly communicated itself to 
 the frantic Woodhull team, who, throwing 
 themselves on Fatty Harris, rolled him over and 
 discovered that the pigskin had vanished. 
 
 At this moment a wild, gleeful shriek arose 
 from behind the Woodhull goal posts, and the 
 Tennessee Shad was seen extracting from under 
 his sweater the flattened pigskin. Instantly 
 the field overflowed with the shock of waters, 
 triumphant or frantic. 
 
 " Touchdown ! " 
 
 "Bobbers!" 
 
 " Touchdown for the Kennedy." 
 
 "Call him back!" 
 
 " Dead ball." 
 
 " Hurrah for the Tennessee Shad ! " 
 
 "Muckers!" 
 
 " No mucker tricks ! " 
 
 " The ball was down." 
 
 " Call it back ! " 
 
 "Judgment!" 
 
 [190] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 " Judgment, Mr. Referee ! " 
 
 Jack Rabbit Lawson, hauled to and fro be 
 tween the contending parties, found himself in 
 the most serious predicament into which a ref 
 eree can fall, when a decision must be given and 
 either decision requires an escort of police. 
 Moreover, each contending party, to clinch the 
 judgment, had precipitated itself upon him and 
 the struggle for his possession raged like the 
 contention of Greek and Trojan over the body of 
 Patroclus. 
 
 "Don t let those thugs bluff you, Jack!" 
 shouted the Kennedy cohorts, in possession of, 
 an arm and a leg. 
 
 "Square deal, no cheating! retorted the 
 Woodhull with a commanding grip on the other 
 extremities. 
 
 Fresh arrivals surged in, seeking to fasten on 
 him, 
 
 " Touchdown ! " 
 
 "No touchdown!" 
 
 "Square deal!" 
 
 " Justice ! " 
 
 " No intimidation ! " 
 
 " No mucker tricks ! " 
 
 [191] 
 

 THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Hands off," shouted Jack Babbit Lawsoii. 
 " Let go of me ! " 
 
 " Mr Referee," said the Tennessee Shad, art 
 fully cool, " I demand that the game go on." 
 
 " The game must go on," said the referee, im 
 mensely relieved. 
 
 " Never," shouted the furious Woodhull. 
 
 " Mr. Referee," said the Tennessee Shad with 
 magnificent impudence, " they know we ve got 
 em licked! I demand that the game go on 
 Settle the point afterward ! " 
 
 At this, just as he intended, the Woodhull 
 quite forgot that it was only a question of walk 
 ing through the unresisting line in their fury at 
 the trick sprung on them. With one accord 
 they responded. 
 
 " We won t go on ! " 
 
 " Don t give the robbers a point ! " 
 
 " Don t you stand for it ! " 
 
 " Judgment, Mr. Referee ! " 
 
 " Let go of me, there, will you ? " said Jack 
 Rabbit Lawson for the tenth time. " I ll look 
 it up in the rules." 
 
 Churning at his heels, the whole mass swept 
 him on to the Upper, except where in spots little 
 
 [192] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 detached groups of enthusiasts sought their own 
 solutions. At the Esplanade the crowd waited 
 vociferously while Lawson went to his room, ac 
 companied by the Tennessee Shad for the Ken 
 nedy and Ginger Pop Hooker for the Woodhull. 
 
 Lawson, having closed his collar and coaxed 
 his necktie back into a normal position, looked 
 sternly at Booker and said, 
 
 "Now, what s your argument?" 
 
 " My argument," said Ginger Pop turbulently, 
 " is that a ball is dead when it is a dead ball ! 
 And furthermore, we are playing a game called 
 football, and not i Button, button, who s got the 
 button, or going to Jerusalem, or Post office, 
 or" 
 
 " Hold up there," said Jack Kabbit magisteri 
 ally, " that s enough. Your argument is a good 
 one. Now, Shad, what s yours? " 
 
 " I have three arguments," said the Tennessee 
 Shad, rising, with his thumb over the second 
 button of his waistcoat. " First, the play had 
 never stopped; second, you won t find anything 
 against it; and third, this bunch of soreheads 
 would have done the same thing if they had 
 had a cute little boy like me/ 
 
 [193] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Your position is very strong/ said Jack Rab- 
 bit Lawson, nodding to the Tennessee Shad. " I 
 will now look it up in the rules." 
 
 He read through the fine print laboriously and 
 solemnly and closed the book. 
 
 " Well ? " said the rival counsels in a breath. 
 
 " There are things here," said Lawson judi 
 ciously, " that I want to think over. I will an 
 nounce my decision in an hour," 
 
 At that time the mob gathered once more. 
 Jack Rabbit Lawson appeared at his window 
 and announced that he had read the rules again 
 and was still deliberating, but that his decision 
 would infallibly be given at five o clock. 
 
 Suddenly, their fury having had a certain time 
 to cool, the Woodhull all at once woke up and 
 grasped the amazing fact of their own blunder 
 in not continuing a contest that could have but 
 one outcome. 
 
 Consequently as the Tennessee Shad, camped 
 on the Esplanade in the midst of the embattled 
 Kennedy, was receiving congratulations, a suave 
 delegation from the Woodhull headed by Ginger 
 Pop Booker with his blandest smile, approached, 
 and the following conversation took place : 
 
 [194] 
 
I 
 
 LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 " Hello there, you foxy old Shad! " 
 
 " Hello, yourself." 
 
 " Say, you certainly worked a slick one over 
 us." 
 
 "Is it possible? 7 
 
 " Look here, it did make us rather hot at first, 
 but we certainly have to take off our hats to 
 you. That was a corking idea, a wonder, a 
 peacherino, and perfectly square." 
 
 " Oh, don t make me blush." 
 
 " I say, old boy, we give in ! " 
 
 "You do, eh?" 
 
 " Yes, we admit your claim. We ll agree to 
 a touchdown. So now let s go back and finish 
 the game." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad looked long and sadly at 
 Rooker then he laid his head on P. Lentz s 
 shoulder and began to laugh. The laugh irri 
 tated Rooker and likewise alarmed him. 
 
 " I say, Shad, shall we play it over now or to 
 morrow? " 
 
 Then the Tennessee Shad spoke languidly, 
 
 " No, dear boy, no. You had your chance on 
 the field, and you refused, think of it, you refused 
 to go on! Of course we d have licked you to a 
 
 [195] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 scramble anyway, but, oh, well, we ll let it go at 
 six to nothing." 
 
 " What, you won t play it over? " cried a dozen 
 angry voices. 
 
 " Don t ask me." 
 
 " Why, you robber ! " said Rooker, immediately 
 changing his tone, " you low-down robber ! " 
 
 " Thank you ! " 
 
 "You little sneak thief!" 
 
 " A baby trick ! " 
 
 " Mucker gag ! " 
 
 " We ll appeal to Walter Camp." 
 
 " Do," said the Tennessee Shad, " keep on ap 
 pealing. But you re licked, and remember this, 
 that I rushed the ball right through you, right 
 through the whole Woodhull line ! " 
 
 This being a little super-insulting, the Ken 
 nedy took up a little stronger defensive position 
 as the Woodhull advanced. The tension how 
 ever, was fortunately averted by the sudden 
 appearance at his window of Jack Rabbit Law- 
 son, who, having locked and fortified his door, 
 now addressed the crowd. 
 
 " Fellows, I have read over the rules a third 
 time, and I have come to a decision." 
 
 [196] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 
 " Hurray ! " 
 
 " Touchdown ! " 
 
 " No score ! " 
 
 " Woodhull ! " 
 
 "Kennedy!" 
 
 "Shut up!" 
 
 "Let him talk!" 
 
 " Fellows, I have decided," said Jack Rabbit 
 Lawson firmly, in the midst of a hollow silence, 
 " I have decided TO RESIGN ! " 
 
 And closing the window abruptly, he with 
 drew, nor could threats or cajolery ever draw 
 from him an opinion on the case. 
 
 To avert a civil conflict, the Doctor at once 
 appointed a faculty committee to render a de 
 cision within the half-hour. This committee, re 
 jecting as immaterial the Woodhull s conten 
 tion that the Tennessee Shad had used a sharp 
 ened nail, was guided by an almost analogous 
 incident in the Harvard-Indian game, where, it 
 may be remembered, a touchdown was scored by 
 an aborigine concealing the pigskin under the 
 back of his jersey, and running the length of 
 the field through the bewildered scholars. The 
 tremendous classic prestige of Cambridge being 
 
 [197] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 decisive, judgment was rendered for the Ken 
 nedy, with this proviso : that the game should not 
 be played over, and all adherents were ordered 
 quarantined in their respective Houses for 
 twenty-four hours. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak, shocked and bewil 
 dered, went limply toward the Dickinson. Half 
 way, Turkey Reiter, stake-holder, accosted him. 
 
 " Hello there, Sporting Tootlets ! " 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak stopped and feebly 
 responded, 
 
 "Oh, hello !" 
 
 "Rather bad day for book-makers, eh?" 
 
 " I don t understand it at all." 
 
 "Well, I paid over the stakes," said Turkey 
 Reiter mercilessly. " Say rather expensive 
 educating us, isn t it? " 
 
 Skinner shook his head. 
 
 "I don t understand. Where s Macnooder?" 
 
 " Doc? Over with the Tennessee Shad." 
 
 " With the Tennessee Shad ! " said the Beef 
 steak, shocked. " Why, we got this up to trim 
 him!" 
 
 " Look here, son," said Turkey Reiter, relent 
 ing a little, " you put this down from me the 
 
 [198] 
 
LEADING TO A RECONCILIATION 
 only way to trim either of those weasels is to 
 trim them together ! " 
 
 Skinner took off his hat and slowly spun it on 
 one finger, gazing stolidly at the windows of the 
 Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " And now, Old Gazello," said Turkey, who en 
 joyed an occasional lapse into moralizing, 
 " really you are not up to teaching these coons 
 anything as yet, let alone sinful wicked practices. 
 Savez? Better sit down at our feet and pick up 
 a few pearls." 
 
 The Beefsteak, incapable of reply, moved 
 slowly away. 
 
 " Don t try to be a bad man/ continued the 
 moralist. " Don t listen too much to the chink 
 of the coin in your pockets. Don t try to buy 
 your way here, because it won t go it won t 
 go, my boy ! But if nothing will stop you, if 
 you ve got to get rid of the dough, for the love 
 of Mike, give me a chance ! " 
 
 [199] 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 THE BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 Fortunately for the firm, despite his previous 
 trying experiences, it must be confessed that the 
 Uncooked Beefsteak still clung to those sporting 
 proclivities which, in more worldly communities, 
 are regarded as the natural distinctions of a 
 gentleman. Eeduced by his disrespectful house 
 mates to menial degradations as humiliating as 
 endured by other kings in exile, the spirit of am 
 bition was yet strong in him the spirit to ex 
 cel in some field, to rise from the mass at what 
 ever cost, to be known as an individual and not 
 a type. 
 
 Unfortunately, the field was limited. He was 
 not an athlete and he lazily had no desire to be 
 one. He neither sang, nor was the cause of mel 
 ody in instruments. He did not act nor was he 
 given to journalism. All this was in the unde 
 veloped area into which he had never ventured, 
 
 [200] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 satisfied with his own beau ideal of a man of 
 fashion. 
 
 However, it did seem to the Beefsteak, de 
 spite certain disillusionment which he had en 
 countered since his advent to Lawrenceville, that 
 the school was sadly in lack of what is vulgarly 
 known as a true gentleman-sport the two 
 names, in his mind, being complementary, if not 
 synonymous. Of course, a number of the fellows 
 rejoiced in the very common nickname of 
 " Sport," but the title had certainly been con 
 veyed without the slightest notion of its distinc 
 tion. 
 
 To Skinner s critical mind a gentleman-sport 
 was not only a disciple of that magnificent Eng 
 lishman, Beau Brummel, but of that other dis 
 tinguished Britisher, the Marquis of Queensbury, 
 who, while laying down the full etiquette of the 
 law, was always found at the side of the prize 
 ring and never within it. Likewise this ideal 
 was one who never counted his change, never 
 quarreled over a bill, who played with existence 
 and wagered on the simplest turns of fate with 
 anybody for anything. To be a gentleman-sport, 
 then, was to be magnificent, elegant and racy; 
 
 [201] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 and to be the first gentleman-sport in the school 
 was, in a word, the ambition to which the Un 
 cooked Beefsteak still clung, despite all reverses 
 and the combined educational efforts of his 
 housemates. 
 
 However, his skirmishes with the Tennessee 
 Shad and Doc Macnooder had instilled in him 
 a spirit of canniness. He no longer exposed his 
 roll of bank notes, trailing it so to speak, on a 
 string behind him. Instead, his first instinct 
 when approached, was a convulsive movement 
 towards the more secure buttoning of his coat. 
 This educational result of their efforts was not, 
 it must be confessed, so pleasing to Doc Macnoo 
 der and the Tennessee Shad, who, having become 
 reconciled, sought separately but fruitlessly to 
 enlist the Beefsteak in several schemes to humili 
 ate the other. 
 
 Turkey Reiter alone was not suspected, for 
 Turkey as President of the House had under 
 taken a series of lectures on moral conduct. 
 These excursions into morality were delivered, 
 strangely enough, in only four places : at Laloo s, 
 to the bubbling noise of the steaming Hot-Dogs; 
 at Appleby s before the turkish paste ; at the Jig- 
 
 [202] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOE ADMISSION 
 ger Shop, and at Conover s. Why the spirit 
 should refuse to move elsewhere, went unnoticed 
 by the Uncooked Beefsteak, who was immensely 
 flattered by the solicitude of the great Turkey 
 Eeiter, listened a little and always begged the 
 privilege of standing treat. The Beefsteak, still 
 persistent, recurred to the Tennessee Shad and 
 Doc Macnooder. 
 
 "Gee, I d like to get back at those bunco- 
 steerers," he said, digging his teeth viciously into 
 an unresisting frankfurter. 
 
 "Be humble, son," said Turkey Eeiter, with 
 paternal impressiveness. 
 
 " I ll get them yet." 
 
 " Others have tried," said Turkey Eeiter, with 
 a reminiscent twinge. " Your game, young roos 
 ter, is to be humble." 
 
 " Well, now," said the Beefsteak, with a sud 
 den access of frankness, as they were alone, 
 " say just what is the matter with me anyhow? " 
 
 " It s not just one thing, old gazello," said 
 Turkey comfortingly. " Though, of course, there 
 is one thing that is dead against you." 
 
 rt What s that?" 
 
 " You re a billionaire." 
 [203] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak stared very seriously 
 at the can where the hot-dogs were bubbling, 
 and said: 
 
 "I wonder if that is it?" 
 
 " Sure, you re fair game. You re the fresh 
 meat for every hungry coot who is strapped and 
 waiting for the first of the month to conie 
 around. Say, bub, do you know what I d do if 
 I were you? " 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " Burn the bank and strip to a dollar a week," 
 said Turkey, rushing on enthusiastically, either 
 because moralizing was apt to run away with 
 his discretion or because the near approach of 
 a recitation rendered impossible any further 
 favors from the munificence criticized. 
 
 " Oh, I say " 
 
 " Sure," said Turkey, become like many an 
 other, the victim of his own argument, " these 
 are wise words, sonny. Cut out the treating, 
 get down in our midst, and let us educate you 
 on proper lines. Savez ! " 
 
 " What ! Never treat ? " 
 
 " Never." 
 
 "No one at all?" 
 
 [204] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOE ADMISSION 
 
 " Well, only " said Turkey, pausing a bit 
 and clapping the Beefsteak on the shoulder in 
 an extra amicable way, " only a fellow who s 
 doing you good." 
 
 The Beefsteak watched Turkey Eeiter go, 
 chuckling, helter-skelter back to recitation and 
 remained a moment in thoughtful meditation 
 over the dubious interpretation of his last words. 
 Then he paid the bill and went slowly up the 
 village street. 
 
 Directly in front of him, in full possession of 
 the walk, was a bull-dog, of no more reassuring 
 aspect than bull-dogs usually are. As Ap- 
 pleby was at the window and several fellows 
 lounging in the doorway, Skinner marched reso 
 lutely forward expecting the passage to be 
 yielded. Ten feet away, as the maneuver only 
 resulted in a certain disconcerting fixity of the 
 brute s gaze, he made a wide detour and de 
 ferred to another day the issue whether or not 
 the irreproachable aroma of trousers made at 
 New York s most expensive tailor, would ap 
 peal to that sense of aristocracy which is said 
 to be instinctive in the canine. 
 
 The dog, who was felicitously named Tough, 
 [205] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 was the property of Blimmy Garret of the Wood- 
 hull, who besides rejoicing in the distinction of 
 having risen to six feet six, was on account of 
 his possession of a mustache and a real discour 
 aging bull-dog, generally regarded as filling the 
 position to which Skinner longingly aspired 
 the premier dead game sport of the school. 
 
 The companionship of Tough had been rather 
 expensive to Blimmy. Due to several cases of 
 carelessness on the dog s part, he had been forced 
 to buy the silence of Klondike who shook up the 
 beds in the Dickinson and pay Blinky, the one- 
 eyed purveyor of cigarettes, ten dollars and re 
 place the shredded trousers. 
 
 Tough was supposed to inhabit a suite in the 
 village, but being by nature inclined to good so 
 ciety he had learned at the sound of a profes 
 sorial tread to retire under the window-seat and 
 remain until the danger had passed. Despite 
 which, the All-Seeing Eye was decidedly fixed in 
 the direction of Tough and waiting a logical ex 
 cuse. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak had no sooner com 
 pleted the outer trail than a patter of feet and a 
 slight asthmatic snort behind revealed the fact 
 
 [206] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOE ADMISSION 
 
 that the brute was deliberating at his heels. 
 !Now if the Beefsteak s courage had never been 
 tested by a frontal attack, it was doubly uncer 
 tain when momentarily expecting a crisis be 
 hind. There was still twenty yards to the Jig 
 ger Shop and an acceleration of pace might 
 have fatal results. 
 
 At this moment, the Uncooked Beefsteak, look 
 ing ahead, thankfully perceived the true cause of 
 the commotion at his heels. 
 
 In front of Bill Orum s, the cobbler, another 
 dog, with certain marks that would permit him 
 for purposes of classification to be described as 
 a setter, was rounding the corner with tail set 
 and carefully poised step. The last animal was 
 Henry Clay, the property of Bill Orum who 
 stoutly declared that his dog could annihilate 
 anything that attacked him on the left side ; the 
 right eye having gloriously gone in a victorious 
 career. 
 
 Just which side the bull-dog selected in his for 
 ward movement would be hard to determine, but 
 in another second the joined bodies were revolv 
 ing in the dust much after the fashion of a giant 
 pin-wheel that has jumped its fastenings. At 
 [207] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 the uproar that fell upon the street, a crowd 
 came rushing out while the rival owners, hasten 
 ing up, finally secured possession of the hind 
 quarters of their respective champions. Then it 
 was found that the bull-dog had a secure grip on 
 the pride of the cobbler shop at the throat 
 directly beneath the closed right eye. 
 
 In this impasse Al from his wisdom produced 
 an ammonia bottle and Tough yielded to science 
 what he would not have yielded to nature. 
 Blimmy Garret hastily smuggled the victorious 
 Tough to a place of concealment while the crowd, 
 drifting away, left a few to listen to Bill Drum s 
 haranguing on the result and his repeated 
 assertion that Tough would have been a dead 
 dog by now if he had attacked on the left 
 side. 
 
 " That dog of Blimmy s certainly needs a lick 
 ing," said Al, whose eyes and throat had received 
 their measure of the ammonia. 
 
 " He certainly does," said Skinner, in full 
 agreement. 
 
 "A lot of reputation he s got," said Al con 
 temptuously, " licking a lot of curs and a wall 
 eyed setter whose teeth have to be tied in ! " 
 
 [208] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOB ADMISSION 
 
 " I d like to bring a real bruiser down here," 
 said Skinner, with a knowing look. 
 
 " Go ahead." 
 
 " By jingo, I will/ said Skinner determinedly 
 as he walked home. " Or, at any rate, I ll find a 
 pup who ll make mince-meat of that sassy 
 coyote." 
 
 Now, the Beefsteak s mind did not as yet work 
 with that instinctive flight towards a novel idea 
 that was the characteristic of the veteran. As a 
 consequence, it was only after having repeatedly 
 expressed a desire to get even with the brute who 
 had given him such a chilly few moments that 
 the complete idea finally took shape. 
 
 He stopped as though he had stubbed his toe, 
 overcome with the beauty of his inspiration. His 
 first impulse was to rush with it to Macnooder 
 and the Tennessee Shad with a request to be ad 
 mitted into the firm. But though he had learned 
 little, he had learned something. Bridling his 
 enthusiasm he forced himself to go twice around 
 the Circle, working out the details of his scheme. 
 
 " Gee, the greatest ever. I ll be a chief pro 
 moter myself, and get up a dog fight," he con 
 fidently proclaimed. 
 
 [209] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 When the Uncooked Beefsteak approached the 
 firm of Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad he 
 did so with so much business discretion that the 
 veterans were clearly amazed. 
 
 " I want a few words with you two/ said The 
 Beefsteak, with a certain manner. " No bluff 
 but an out-and-out understanding ! " 
 
 " Why, Montague, how you have aged ! " said 
 Macnooder in soft surprise. 
 
 " It s no joke this time," said Skinner, wav 
 ing the persiflage aside. " I ve got a scheme 
 and I want an understanding. Now I ll be 
 frank." 
 
 " Hello," said Macnooder, who from constant 
 use of this last assurance became suspicious of 
 the words on another s tongue. 
 
 " You fellows are about the cutest thing out. 
 You ve flim-flammed me, and you ve done it well. 
 I m not kicking, only I ve got my eyes open now. 
 And you ll never get me again." 
 
 At this tempting challenge, Macnooder looked 
 over the roofs of the houses, afraid to meet the 
 eye of the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " See here," continued Skinner, with more 
 gravity, as he mistook their silence, " I m for you 
 
 [210] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOE ADMISSION 
 
 fellows and I want to get into your game on the 
 ground floor." 
 
 "What game?" 
 
 " Promoting." 
 
 " Bring us an idea," said Macnooder. 
 
 " I have." 
 
 " You ve got me." 
 
 "The best." 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 " Get up a professional dog-fight, Blimmy s 
 bull-pup and some other dog we ll get. Sell 
 tickets and run it off in the woods at midnight." 
 
 Macnooder looked at the proud Beefsteak and 
 then solemnly at his partner. 
 
 " Shad," he said, " extend to Monte the right 
 hand of fellowship." 
 
 " We must get a dog, though, that will dine off 
 Tough," said Skinner. 
 
 " I know one," said the Tennessee Shad dream- 
 
 iiy. 
 
 " Where? " said the Beefsteak eagerly. 
 
 " Trenton," said the Tennessee Shad, " a long 
 haired dog, that s the game. Bull-dogs are 
 pie before long-haired dogs can t get at the 
 throat." 
 
 [211] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "The Tennessee Shad ll look after the chal 
 lenge, then/ glibly said Macnooder, who from 
 old experience read aright the note of dreaminess 
 in his partner s voice and knew something was 
 brewing. "Who ll referee?" 
 
 " I will," said the Uncooked Beefsteak. 
 
 Macnooder glanced at the Shad and saw a lit 
 tle smile of satisfaction on those thin lips. 
 
 " I suppose I ve got to be secretary and treas 
 urer, then," he said, with false weariness. 
 
 "That s the stuff," said the Beefsteak auto 
 cratically. " Besides, I ve seen a real fight and 
 know the game." 
 
 " It s a good idea," said Macnooder after the 
 vow of secrecy had been passed and the Beef-* 
 steak had gone, walking a little lightly on his 
 toes. 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " But, couldn t we put it over on the Beefsteak 
 just once more just one little final touch?" 
 said Macnooder, to learn what the Shad was 
 planning. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad remained a long time in 
 cloudy speculation. Then he scratched his head, 
 replaced his cap, and said carefully: 
 
 [212] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 " To-morrow, Doc, I ll tell you all about it 
 to-morrow." 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak s eagerness to claim 
 the lime light was quite in accordance with the 
 plans of Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad. 
 The more Skinner took upon himself, the more 
 complacently they viewed the outlook. For 
 some time it had become increasingly difficult 
 for the firm of Macnooder to arouse any general 
 enthusiasm for its speculative offerings. Partic 
 ularly was this true of any attempt to collect 
 before the fact. 
 
 Consequently, with great magnanimity, they 
 assured the unsuspecting Skinner that the 
 honor being his, they were determined he 
 should have all the glory and suggested that 
 whatever publicity was needed should come from 
 him. 
 
 Skinner was allowed to announce the great 
 event, to challenge Blimmy Garret in behalf of 
 his champion and most important of all, to sell 
 as many tickets as he could at the rate of fifty 
 cents a head. Macnooder, modestly keeping in 
 the background, received the receipts and safe- 
 
 [213] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 guarded them, urging that no mention should be 
 made of this trifling service. 
 
 By thus prominently displaying the Uncooked 
 Beefsteak, they succeeded in working up a tre 
 mendous amount of enthusiasm in quarters 
 which would have been decidedly lukewarm had 
 the great sporting event borne the names of Mac- 
 nooder and the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 When Skinner had collected and turned over 
 to Macnooder the proceeds of thirty tickets, 
 and had arranged the date and selected an ideal 
 location in the groves that border the distant 
 canal, he suddenly became rather panicky as to 
 the mysterious champion whom the Tennessee 
 Shad was to provide, and rushed all in a flutter 
 to the Kennedy for reassurance. 
 
 " Be calm," said the Tennessee Shad, " I have 
 the dog." 
 
 " Have you seen him? " 
 
 " I have." 
 
 "When?" 
 
 " This afternoon." 
 
 " Then he s near here? " said Skinner, sur- 
 
 
 
 prised. 
 
 " I have him in training quarters," said the 
 
 [214] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 Tennessee Shad, with a mysterious wave of his 
 hand. " Within a mile of where I stand/ 
 
 " Training? " said Skinner, mystified. 
 
 " Feeding him on raw veal and mustard. You 
 can spread the report that he s bitten two men 
 in the last three days. That shows what he ll 
 do to that china bull-pup of Blimmy s." 
 
 " You said he was a collie? " 
 
 " German-Collie, a bruising ugly -tempered, 
 rampaging collie." 
 
 " Supposing Tough licks him? " said the Beef 
 steak anxiously, contemplating a wager. 
 
 " A long-haired collie? " said the Shad loftily. 
 " Greatest fighter in the world. Why, Tough 
 will never get his tooth in him. Put up all your 
 money on it ! " 
 
 " I wish I could see him," said the Beefsteak 
 doubtfully. 
 
 " Course you do," said the Shad sympathetic 
 ally. " But if you do, then Blimmy has a right 
 to see. And say, if Blimmy sees this living 
 death it s all off. No bets, and no fight." 
 
 " Really ! 
 
 " Keep it quiet." 
 
 " By the way, what s the dog s name? " 
 [215] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Dynamite." 
 
 The next afternoon the Shad arrived with a 
 worried look. 
 
 " Say, Beefsteak, can t you put ahead the 
 date? " 
 
 " What s the matter? " 
 
 " Why that brute of mine is chewing up every 
 thing in sight." 
 
 " No ! " 
 
 " Fact, he tore the feathers off a duck and 
 mangled a milk pail they left by mistake. We ve 
 got him boxed now." 
 
 " Supposing we pull it off to-morrow night." 
 
 " I don t think we can hold him any longer." 
 
 When Blimmy Garret heard the tales of butch 
 ery emanating from the opposite camp he was 
 equal to the occasion. 
 
 "You go back, young stripling," he said 
 imperiously to Skinner, " go back to whoever 
 backs that ki-yi, and tell that old four-flusher 
 that if his mongrel isn t any fiercer than that 
 there won t be enough of him to line a pair of 
 mittens ! " 
 
 "They keep him shut up in a box," said the 
 Beefsteak doubtfully. 
 
 [216] 
 
yOU GO BACK, YOUNG STRIPLING" 
 ( See Page 2/6 ) 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 "They do, do they? Well, you tell em we re 
 holding Tough in a trunk with a couple of shot- 
 laden trays over him too." 
 
 " They say he s even attacked a niilk pail ! " 
 
 "Oh, he has?" said Blimmy, growing indig 
 nant. " Well, tell them Tough is so wild, we ve 
 had to wedge his jaws." 
 
 "What for?" 
 
 " To keep him from wearing down his teeth 
 when he thinks of that pup Dynamite," said 
 Blimmy very seriously. " And say, go back and 
 tell your friend that we don t want even another 
 day. Pull the affair off to-night, or I won t an 
 swer for the spectators." 
 
 " All right," said Skinner, running off. 
 
 "Oh, I say!" 
 
 " What? " 
 
 " Tell him Tough will be there in a box, all 
 right!" 
 
 " All right." 
 
 " And hold up, are you putting up a bet? >? 
 
 " No o," said Skinner, " I m the referee. I 
 can t." 
 
 When in the watches of the night, a shivering 
 
 [217] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 band of would-be sports bent on feverish dissipa 
 tion gathered expectantly by the light of half a 
 dozen lanterns in a distant and gloomy spot, the 
 ferocious rumors from the rival camps had be 
 come common property and in certain quarters 
 there was a marked impulse to seek places of 
 security rather than the natural points of van 
 tage. 
 
 " Have you ever been at one of these things? " 
 said Shrimp Davis, who was the youngest al 
 lowed to qualify as a sport. 
 
 " No," said Pewee Bacon in the same wood 
 land whisper. " It s pretty risky, isn t it? " 
 
 " There ought to be a ring with a high wall 
 around it," said the Triumphant Egghead, who 
 was always critical. " Something to protect the 
 spectators." 
 That s right." 
 
 " There s no telling what a dog will bite." 
 " And if his jaws set on you, they never let go." 
 " Say, this is a rotten place for a fight." 
 " Well, I wore leather boots and shin guards." 
 Meanwhile, Skinner dressed to kill in the flash 
 iest of all his flashy vests and ties, checked suit 
 and feathered fedora, was anxiously superin- 
 
 [218] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 tending the marking off of the ring, carefully 
 selected a level glade among a clump of melan 
 choly pines. Four stakes were driven in and 
 several lengths of ropes stretched around. 
 
 " Say, the Beefsteak s quite the fellow, isn t 
 he," said Pewee much impressed. 
 
 " He certainly has seen a lot of life." 
 
 The preparations for the safety of the public 
 did not impress. 
 
 " What are they stringing up ropes for? " 
 
 " Huh, to keep us out of the ring." 
 
 "Is that all the guarantee we get?" 
 
 " And they say both pups haven t had a square 
 meal in thirty-six hours." 
 
 "Oh, mother!" 
 
 " A dog s bite is poisonous, isn t it? " 
 
 " Sure x , they burn you out with a red hot 
 poker." 
 
 "Oh, joy!" 
 
 "What s that?" 
 
 " Have they come? " 
 
 A series of yelps were now heard approaching 
 from opposite directions and presently two wheel 
 barrows bearing sinister noisy boxes appeared 
 out of the gloom. There was a rush in the direc- 
 [219] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 tion of the Tennessee Shad and Macnooder, but 
 all lingering incredulity was dissipated when the 
 light of a lantern revealed behind the slats of 
 an improvised cage, the dim head of a large 
 collie German or otherwise. 
 
 Macnooder, who had a strong dramatic in 
 stinct, was in sweater and high boots, a rag over 
 his forehead and several crosses of black court- 
 plaster on his cheeks, which were at once taken 
 to be proofs of the fighting qualities of the chal 
 lenging Dynamite. 
 
 Both dogs, as a result of the exceedingly lumpy 
 journey they had come, combined with the prod 
 ding received from two zealous owners, were 
 in a humor more human than canine. As a con 
 sequence, no sooner had the full effect of their 
 anger reached the crowd, than there began a 
 curious shifting movement among the spectators ; 
 those in front slipping to the back while those 
 who were promoted surrendered instantly their 
 vantage. 
 
 The two boxes were placed at opposite sides of 
 the ring, and the seconds summoned by Skinner 
 met in the middle for conclave. 
 
 " So you re back of this ! " said Blimmy cont- 
 [220] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOE ADMISSION 
 
 prehending Macnooder s connection for the first 
 time. 
 
 " I m slightly interested, Blimmy," said Mac- 
 nooder with a smile. 
 
 "And you think you ve got a dog can lick 
 Tough, do you?" 
 
 " My dear old boy, we don t think. 97 
 
 "Are you backing your opinion?" said Gar 
 ret furiously. 
 
 " It s all over. We don t want to steal your 
 money ! " 
 
 "Will you bet?" 
 
 " Wait," said Macnooder, who made a gesture 
 to the Tennessee Shad, who immediately pro 
 duced a spade. 
 
 " What s that for? " said Skinner, mystified. 
 
 " To bury Tough," said Doc, with a bland ges 
 ture. 
 
 " Begin," said Blimmy, in a rage. 
 
 At this there was suddenly heard a noise 
 among the trees, like an army of squirrels. A 
 third of the audience, their courage departing, 
 were now seen making their way along over 
 hanging branches. 
 
 Skinner, more thoroughly frightened than ever 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 before in his life, remained alone in the middle 
 of the ring, suddenly realizing the responsibili 
 ties as well as the glory of high office. Blimmy 
 and Macnooder pushing the front of their boxes 
 up to the ropes stood with their hands on the 
 bolts. 
 
 " Stop ! " cried the Tennessee Shad in a pur 
 posely tense voice. " Stop a moment." 
 
 "What s the matter?" cried a dozen alarmed 
 voices. 
 
 " The Beefsteak must get out of the ring or I 
 won t answer for the consequences/ 
 
 At this another third of the audience took to 
 shinnying up the most available trees, while the 
 rest, including P. Lentz who couldn t, to have 
 saved himself, lifted his two hundred pounds 
 from the ground, began to cast calculating 
 glances to the rear. The Beefsteak, without a 
 pause, retired outside the ropes while the tree 
 dwellers with returning interest began to shout : 
 
 " Even on Dynamite ! " 
 
 " I ll back Macnooder s dog." 
 
 " Good-bye to Tough." 
 
 " Stuffed dog to-morrow ! " 
 
 " Ten to one someone gets chewed." 
 [222] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOR ADMISSION 
 
 " What show has a Beefsteak got? " 
 
 " Jemima, they re fierce ! " 
 
 " Give us the carnage." 
 
 "Blood!* 
 
 "Are you ready?" cried the Beefsteak, in a 
 high falsetto. " Let em out." 
 
 There was a volley of cheers from the trees 
 and a unanimous rushing movement to the rear 
 on the part of the remaining spectators, a flight 
 conspicuously led by Macnooder and the Tennes 
 see Shad, with well acted fright. 
 
 The shutters dropped simultaneously, but only 
 Tough bounded forth in furious solitary posses 
 sion of the ring. From the released cage of Dy 
 namite nothing stirred. 
 
 Conflicting shouts now sounded from the trees. 
 
 " What s the matter? " 
 
 " Where s Dynamite? " 
 
 "Why doesn t he come out?" 
 
 " Just wait till he does." 
 
 " When he makes up his mind, look out." 
 
 "Eats, he s afraid!" 
 
 " Go on, give him time! " 
 
 A full minute passed and still the only occu 
 pant of the ring was Tough with four legs stiffly 
 
 [223] 
 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 planted, growling his defiance. From behind the 
 tree trunks some of the most daring began to 
 steal back to where the Beefsteak, puzzled, 
 waited in suspense for the living destruction to 
 burst forth. 
 
 Reassured, the crowd began to throng the ring 
 side, shouting: 
 
 " Come on, Dynamite ! " 
 
 "Sic ? em!" 
 
 " Poke him up ! " 
 
 "Shake him up!" 
 
 "Kick the box!" 
 
 Acting on the hint, the Beefsteak shook the 
 box with a thundering boot. A furious snarl 
 ing, which momentarily restored confidence an 
 swered him, but no Dynamite appeared. 
 
 "He s there all right!" 
 
 " What s the matter with him? " 
 
 " Hear him growl ! " 
 
 " He s coming." 
 
 " The deuce he is ! " 
 
 " He s gone to sleep." 
 
 "Where s the Tennessee Shad?" cried the 
 Beefsteak. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad had disappeared. 
 [224] 
 
BEEFSTEAK APPLIES FOB ADMISSION 
 
 " Where s Macnooder? " 
 
 The cry was taken up in vain. Suddenly the 
 same suspicion seized the group of would-be 
 sports, who rushing to the box, overturned it. 
 At the same moment, Tough springing forward, 
 came to a disgusted stop, more in sympathy than 
 in anger, before an aged, moth-eaten, toothless 
 dog, who, emerging in snarling protest, sank im 
 mediately to a reclining position. At once it 
 was a riot. 
 
 " Why, he s a billion years old ! " 
 
 " No teeth ! " 
 
 " No eyes ! " 
 
 " Hair dropping out ! " 
 
 " Even Tough wouldn t bite it ! " 
 
 " Jemima, if it isn t Old Sally! " 
 
 "Sure, it is!" 
 
 "Belongs to Laloo!" 
 
 " Why, she is thirty years old ! " 
 
 " A grandmother ! " 
 
 " It s a put up job ! " 
 
 " Fraud ! " 
 
 "Fake!" 
 
 " Skin game ! " 
 
 All bets off ! 
 
 [225] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "Murder" 
 
 "Stop, thief !" 
 
 " Oh, what a bunco game ! " 
 
 " Money back ! " 
 
 " Give us our money back." 
 
 " Catch the Beefsteak." 
 
 " Hold him, boys ! " 
 
 But that great sporting promoter, too amazed 
 to think of flight, was gazing in dumbfounded 
 horror at the blinking, ragged aBnemic specimen 
 which the Tennessee Shad had advertised as 
 Dynamite. 
 
 " Hold up, I say, it s the Tennessee Shad," he 
 cried vainly, " catch Macnooder and the Ten 
 nessee Shad they ve got the money ! " 
 
 Then the mob reached him. 
 
 [226] 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 Having found by successive disillusionizing 
 experiments with the firm of Macnooder and 
 the Tennessee Shad. that the school was neither 
 impressed by his own worldly personality or 
 ready for the launching of genteel sporting prac 
 tices, Montague fell into a period of abyssmal 
 depression that was the more overwhelming in 
 that he could see no guiding streak of light in 
 the completeness of his darkness. 
 
 He had failed to impress. There was no doubt 
 on that score. And as his moral education, by 
 sharp processes, began to be accomplished, he 
 himself began curiously enough, to lose the zest 
 for the ways and distinction of complete man 
 hood and to long wistfully, unbeknownst of his 
 comrades, for the simple frolics of a mere boy. 
 
 The trouble was that he was always an out 
 sider. He perceived it despairingly as he per 
 ceived the vital truth, that a night feast on in- 
 
 [227] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 digestible tinned food and dyspeptic root beer 
 was still a banquet and a banquet that needed 
 no more fortunate patron. 
 
 When Turkey Reiter had indiscreetly informed 
 him that his fatal drawback was the reputation 
 for billions, he spoke the truth, and he might 
 have added that every billionaire in such an as 
 semblage is held to be impossible, dudified and 
 deserving of hard labor, until he has removed 
 the burden of suspicion. 
 
 Now the Uncooked Beefsteak could not com 
 prehend this truth he debated it, he meditated 
 long thereupon in solitary tramps, he tried to 
 comprehend it ; but the traditions of his first six 
 teen years were too strong. It could not be so. It 
 could not be that a generous open purse, a purse 
 waiting to be called upon for the multifarious 
 enjoyments of those he chose to signal out as his 
 friends, could be a handicap. His theory could 
 not be wrong, the blunder must have lain in in 
 discreet application. Some way there must be 
 to win popularity and stop the humiliating and 
 menial services to which he was daily condemned 
 by his paternally solicitous housemates. For, 
 unable to perceive the larger good, the Beefsteak 
 
 [228] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 could see no useful purpose to be served in this 
 course in primitive tailoring, complete house 
 work, and general boot-blacking. 
 
 At times the House relented, hoping that the 
 lesson had been learned. Unfortunately, Skin 
 ner could not seize the subtle class distinctions 
 which forbade him, a mere bag of money, a non- 
 combatant, what was permitted to the nobility 
 of muscle and brain. 
 
 Of a consequence, no sooner was the ban lifted 
 than he became familiar instead of humble, 
 boastful instead of inquiring, pushing instead of 
 thankfully receptive, and given to using nick 
 names, which were reserved for those who had 
 progressed to the second degree. Upon which, 
 the House would convene and agree that the 
 Beefsteak was still unfit for human inter 
 course and assign him back to the boots and the 
 clothes brush. 
 
 Now, in about the tenth period of this recur 
 rent discipline, the Beefsteak had suddenly a 
 brilliant idea. The Easter recess was approach 
 ing, he would invite Macnooder to spend the 
 week with him at his father s hotel and by daz 
 zling him with its splendor and magnificence, 
 
 [229] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 awaken him to a proper sense of the Skinner im 
 portance. 
 
 The result steadied him in his wavering belief 
 in the theory of the supremacy of capital. Not 
 only was there an instant somersault on Mac- 
 nooder s part, a change accomplished between 
 the blacking of one boot and the withdrawal of 
 the other, but the effect in the House was elec 
 trical. 
 
 Half an hour after Macnooder had received 
 the invitation, the Triumphant Egghead smil 
 ingly appeared in the Beefsteak s room, with a 
 genial manner. 
 
 " Hello, Monte, old boy, not studying, are 
 you?" 
 
 " Come in," said the Beefsteak, chuckling in 
 wardly. 
 
 " What a perfectly corking room, a peach- 
 erino ! " said the Egghead, surveying for the first 
 times the walls decorated with photographs of 
 certain theatrical ladies, who adorned but did 
 not elevate the stage, and chromos of national 
 bruisers in boxing tights. 
 
 " You like it?" said Skinner carelessly. 
 
 " And gee ! Look at the Dottie-Dimple Toes ! 
 [230] 
 
THE LAMB RETEEATS 
 you don t know all these fairies, do 
 you? " 
 
 " I ll put you next to any of them," said Skin 
 ner, relapsing into the past. 
 
 " Gee, I d like to meet a real live actress," said 
 the Triumphant Egghead, slyly approaching his 
 opportunity. 
 
 At this moment the door opened and the Wala- 
 doo Bird came hastily in. The Triumphant Egg 
 head shot him a furious glance which was re 
 turned by one of suspicion and envy. 
 
 Then the Waladoo Bird, giant of the football 
 eleven, sat down and, smiling on Skinner, said 
 with directness: 
 
 " Say, Monte, I ve got to get a couple of suits 
 bitten out for me in New York. You know the 
 whole dressing game from A to Z. Give me a 
 couple of pointers on what s the real thing. Look 
 over my style of beauty and put me on. And 
 say, what s the best hotel to stop at? " 
 
 The Waladoo Bird understood but one method 
 of attack and that was a mass through the cen 
 ter of the line. But at this moment the door 
 swung the third time and the Tennessee Shad en 
 tered, slightly out of breath, with a glance at the 
 
 [231] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 two visitors that sought to seize on the instant 
 if he had been forestalled. Close on his heels 
 came Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan, who 
 beat to the threshold the Gutter Pup and Lovely 
 Mead. 
 
 That night the Uncooked Beeksteak, who had 
 been watched since luncheon by those who were 
 most concerned in watching one another, went 
 off to sleep more thoroughly happy than he had 
 been in months. He had played the trump card 
 and the stakes were his. No more would he 
 lighten the burdens of Klondike, the Ethiopian, 
 no more would he bend in servile postures over 
 the oozing muddy boots of striplings in knicker 
 bockers, no more would he listen in enforced iso 
 lation to the whispered merriment of distant 
 feasts; he would select with a ruthless and dis 
 tinguishing finger his guests among the elite of 
 his comrades ; there should be a week of princely 
 entertainment and then he would return, one of 
 the chosen, a member of the creme de la cr&ne. 
 
 At the same time Macnooder was saying ex 
 citedly to the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " See here, I ve got the inside track the 
 Beefsteak will invite anyone I say." 
 
 [232] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 " Little social secretary, eh? " 
 
 " Shut up. Do you know what I m going to 
 do? I m going to sell excursion tickets, good 
 for one week at the Regal Hotel, all expenses 
 paid, and I m going to soak each gazebo ten fat 
 young plunks." 
 
 " Doc, it s glorious," said the Tennessee Shad, 
 "you certainly will own Fifth Avenue. But 
 say how much longer do you think we can go 
 on excavating in this here Beefsteak mine." 
 
 " Very, very little. That s why we ll play this 
 for a lalapazooza ! " 
 
 " The trouble is we have assumed a moral 
 attitude towards Monte," said the Tennessee 
 Shad regretfully. " We are loosening his gold 
 rocks but we are educating him." 
 
 " Yes, and when we get him educated and a 
 proper self-respecting citizen he ll be ungrate 
 ful." 
 
 " I fear so I fear me much." 
 
 " On to the Regal Hotel ! " 
 
 " On, Doc, on ! " 
 
 About three o clock in the afternoon of the 
 opening of the Easter vacation there debarked 
 
 [233] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 at the Cortlandt Street terminal of the Pennsyl 
 vania Kailroad a party of five in close marching 
 order, consisting of Macnooder and Dennis de 
 Brian de Boru Finnegan in advance, the Wala- 
 doo Bird and the Tennessee Shad supporting 
 the center and the Triumphant Egghead guard 
 ing the rear. 
 
 " Halt/ said Macnooder. 
 
 "What for?" 
 
 " We must consult. How shall we approach 
 the Regal Hotel? On foot, in a swiftly moving 
 trolley, or drawn by prancing horses? " 
 
 " Hire a hack, of course," said the Triumphant 
 Egghead, who represented society. " You can t 
 enter a hotel on foot." 
 
 "Why not?" said Finnegan. 
 
 " It isn t done." 
 
 " Eats, I m for hoofing it. Show me the 
 sights of Broadway and all that sort of thing." 
 
 " You re a hayseed and a jayhawker," said 
 the Triumphant Egghead. 
 
 " Don t let s quarrel yet," said the Tennessee 
 Shad soothingly, " I ve only got sixty cents and 
 I vote for the elevated." 
 
 " I think a barouche is an unnecessary ex- 
 [234] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 pense," said Macnooder, who calculated on the 
 Triumphant Egghead s buying the carriage. 
 
 At this moment the Waladoo Bird was dis 
 covered filling his pockets with peanuts. 
 
 " Merciful heavens," exclaimed the Egghead 
 in horror. "You ignoramus, what are you do 
 ing? 
 
 " Eating peanuts, said the Waladoo Bird, 
 suiting the action to the word. 
 
 " Are you going through New York scattering 
 shells like an Italian?" 
 
 " I am," said the Waladoo Bird who had the 
 Western contempt for the abode of the uncon- 
 victed rich. 
 
 " I won t be seen with you." 
 
 Don t." 
 
 " If he is determined," said Macnooder medi 
 tatively, " he had better work it off. Let s walk." 
 
 The Triumphant Egghead immediately engaged 
 a coach and hid himself in the company of the 
 Tennessee Shad, whose exertions were always 
 mental. 
 
 The Waladoo Bird, flinging out peanut shells 
 with the regularity of a thrashing machine, 
 strode defiantly, flanked by Dennis, who stepped 
 
 [235] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 from corner to corner to buy an extra, and Mae- 
 iiooder who showed a lively interest in the new 
 attractions in the shop windows. 
 
 A matter of a block behind, at a patient walk, 
 came the hired coach from the recesses of which 
 the Triumphant Egghead gazed upon the offen 
 ders with wrath and disgust. 
 
 " I wonder what he thinks this Begal Hotel 
 is? " he said furiously. " An actor s boarding 
 house?" 
 
 " I know for a fact," said the Tennessee Shad 
 to soothe and comfort him, " that the Waladoo 
 Bird had only two dollar s and thirty cents." 
 
 " Awful funny, ha ! ha ! " said the Egghead, 
 who was in no mood for humor. 
 
 " He must get filled up sometime." 
 
 " If he don t, it s all off. Do you think I m 
 going to march into the foyer of the classiest ; 
 thing in New York with an elephant ten feet \ 
 high cracking peanuts? " 
 
 " How far is it uptown? " 
 
 " Five or six miles." 
 
 " He ought to get away with an awful lot of 
 nuts by then," said the Shad, who began to share 1 
 his anxiety. " So this hotel is rather flossy? " 
 
 [236] 
 
THE LAMB EETEEATS 
 
 " The flossiest/ 
 
 " Lots of gilt and red plush and all that sort 
 of thing." 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 "What s the fodder like?" 
 
 " The cuisine/ said the Egghead elegantly, 
 a is the most fashionable in the city." 
 
 " But the Beefsteak sets up for the grub ? " 
 
 " Yes, you chump." 
 
 "Everything we get away with?" 
 
 Sure." 
 
 " Perhaps if the Waladoo Bird knew that he 
 would ease up." 
 
 The announcement, in fact, produced a de 
 cided sensation. The Waladoo Bird finished 
 the last handful outside the carriage at the 
 peremptory challenge of the Egghead and then 
 jarred the carriage springs while Finnegan made 
 the common demand for a show of speed. 
 
 When Montague Skinner, moving restlessly 
 in the ante-room of the Regal Hotel, beheld the 
 arrival of the overloaded coach, he was quite 
 touched by the cordiality of the greeting he re 
 ceived. 
 
 " Leave it to me," he said, intervening be- 
 [237] 
 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 tween the reluctant purse of the Triumphant 
 Egghead and the grinning coachman. Then with 
 an ease that made the Waladoo Bird stiffen up 
 and take notice, he summoned a footman and 
 said, " Charles, see what the fare is and have 
 the office attend to it." 
 
 " Here, I say ! " began the Egghead, with not 
 too much resistance. 
 
 " Oh ! now, Monte, this is ours ! " said Mac- 
 nooder more emphatically as he perceived an 
 absence of danger. 
 
 " No/ 7 said the Beefsteak finally, but with the 
 lightness that such a triviality merited. " From 
 now on you are my guests." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, who had sixty cents, ex 
 changed a glance of delirious joy with the Wala 
 doo Bird who had a two-dollar bill, and, being 
 thrown together in their voyage toward the ele 
 vator, whispered : 
 
 " It looks good to me." 
 
 " It certainly does." 
 
 " No expenses." 
 
 "None at all." 
 
 At this moment the Waladoo Bird was over 
 whelmed by a fearful thought. 
 
 [238] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 " I say, he s got the bags." 
 
 "Who s got them?" 
 
 " The Buttons." 
 
 "Well, what of it?" 
 
 " We ll have to tip him." 
 
 "Well, tip him!" 
 
 " I ve only got a two-dollar bill and a nickel/ 
 said the Waladoo Bird in a worried whisper. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad nervously shifted his sixty 
 cents to an inner recess, maliciously enjoying the 
 confusion of the giant, who was wondering un 
 easily whether the elevator man would expect 
 to be recompensed. 
 
 Macnooder, Finnegan and the Triumphant 
 Egghead were escorted to their quarters by 
 Skinner after leaving the Waladoo Bird and the 
 Tennessee Shad in the adjoining room assigned 
 them. 
 
 The Buttons, having deposited the bags, was 
 languidly busy straightening the window cur 
 tains and shifting the chairs with that perfect 
 expectant manner that is instinctive with those 
 whose fortunate mission in life is to be tipped. 
 
 " What ll I give him? " said the Waladoo Bird 
 in a muffled roar. 
 
 [239] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " How do I know? " 
 
 " I can t give him a nickel." 
 
 " Never ! " 
 
 " I say lend me a half a dollar." 
 
 " Can t, Macnooder s got my purse." 
 
 The Waladoo Bird, who had faced the Prince 
 ton Varsity without a tremor, quailed before the 
 spruce representative of bell boys. For a 
 moment his fingers hesitated over the plebeian 
 nickel and then blushing with combined rage 
 and embarrassment, he blurted out: "Here 
 take this." 
 
 And he thrust upon him the two dollar bill. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, who had the profound- 
 est respect for capital, was furious. 
 
 " You jackass, what did you do that for? " 
 
 " I had to give him something, didn t I? " 
 
 " Yes, but, Holy Cats, you can buy a bell boy 
 for two dollars ! " 
 
 "Well, what was I to do?" said the Waladoo 
 Bird, who clutching his last nickel, began to feel 
 the despairing loneliness of one who is stranded 
 in the great city. 
 
 " Do, you blockhead ? Ask him to get you 
 some change." 
 
 [240] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 " Ask him " said the Waladoo Bird in 
 stupid amazement. " Well, why in thunder 
 didn t you tell me? " 
 
 " Humph ! Thought you d been weaned from 
 the bottle," said the Tennessee Shad, who now 
 felt a sense of personal loss. 
 
 " Well, by gravy, I ll do it now," said the Wala 
 doo Bird, bolting into his coat. 
 
 " Hold up! What are you going to do? " 
 
 " I m going to track that young highwayman 
 down and shake it out of him ! " 
 
 " Hold up ! You can t do that." 
 
 " Can t I? Just watch me ! " 
 
 " Hold up ! You ll make a social blunder ! " 
 
 "Beans!" 
 
 When the Triumphant Egghead with Macnoo- 
 der and Finnegan entered the room they found 
 the Tennessee Shad in an attitude of deep de 
 jection with one ear trained for the outburst of 
 an expected cyclone. 
 
 "What in blazes is the matter?" said Mac- 
 nooder. " And where is the W T aladoo Bird? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad explained. 
 
 " My aunt s cat s pants, that is awful ! " said 
 the Triumphant Egghead, with a shiver. 
 
 [241] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Wriggling snakes, what do you suppose he s 
 doing? " 
 
 " He ll smash the crockery ! " 
 
 " Had we better tell the Beefsteak? " 
 
 " Never ! " 
 
 " Why the deuce didn t you look after him? " 
 
 "What do you expect?- said the Tennessee 
 Shad aggrieved, " Do I look like a tug-of-war 
 team?" 
 
 " This is awful," said the Triumphant Egg 
 head, wiping his forehead. 
 
 The door opened, and the Waladoo Bird 
 plumped in. 
 
 "Did you get him?" said the five in 
 chorus. 
 
 " Get him? " said the Waladoo Bird in a rage. 
 " Why, there are one hundred and fifty bell hops 
 below, all hopping around, and every mother s 
 son of them looks alike! Say, what color hair 
 did that pirate of ours have? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad promptly forgot. 
 
 " Look here, boy ! " said the Triumphant Egg 
 head. " This will never do. You ll queer the 
 whole bunch." 
 
 " I gave him two dollars/ said the Waladoo 
 [242] 
 

 THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 Bird, sitting down with a crash that brought a 
 groan from the light furniture. 
 
 " And don t go making a wood pile of every 
 thing you sit on ! " 
 
 " What s wrong? " 
 
 " You. You re wrong. You re not fit to come 
 into the parlor. A nice time we ll have with you. 
 Didn t you ever see a hotel before? " 
 
 " Are you speaking to me? " said the Waladoo 
 Bird, rising. 
 
 When the altercation had subsided, another 
 serious question arose. 
 
 " Where ll we dine? " said Finnegan, who had 
 been coached. " Supposin we grub with the 
 Beefsteak private dining room, special dishes 
 and all that sort of thing." 
 
 " I vote for down stairs, said the Waladoo 
 Bird, who had been put in a contrary humor. 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " I want to get a chance at a real bang-up 
 menu." 
 
 " And I vote to put this guy in seclusion ! " 
 
 The Waladoo Bird gave the Egghead an evil 
 look and was about to reply when Macnooder 
 suavely arose. 
 
 [343] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " The Waladoo Bird is quite right, we will dine 
 in public/ 
 
 " Everyone will be dressed to kill." 
 
 " Then we shall be taken for Western million 
 aires. But I say, but we are going to pull 
 off this thing in classy style." 
 
 "No social blunders," said the Tennessee 
 Shad. 
 
 " And no trying to split the menu," said the 
 Triumphant Egghead. 
 
 " We will pick out the daintiest dishes," said 
 Macnooder, trying the power of suggestion on 
 the Waladoo Bird, "the recherche, expensive 
 dishes, and we will take little careless dabs at 
 them." 
 
 " Fine ! " said the others, with the unique 
 exception of the Waladoo Bird. 
 
 " To-morrow we ll rip the stuffing out of the 
 bill of fare, we ll mangle it, we ll blow holes in 
 it, tear it up the back and drive it to its corner ! " 
 
 " To-morrow ! " 
 
 " To-morrow ! But to-night we ll go down in a 
 bored sort of way. Well put up an awful bluff, 
 tired of caviar and nightingales tongues and 
 all that sort of thing. We ve got to keep the 
 
 [244] 
 

 THE LAMB EETEEATS 
 
 Beefsteak in his pla*e remember that ! Show 
 him we re old birds." 
 
 " Bighto," said everyone ; that is, everyone ex 
 cept the Waladoo Bird. 
 
 " Just take a nibble here and there and then 
 push the plate away," said Finnegan, wishing 
 to be helpful. 
 
 "Kighto!" 
 
 " And stretch your arms and yawn in a high 
 bred classy sort of way." 
 
 " You chump ! " said the Triumphant Egghead. 
 "Where have you been brought up? " 
 
 " The last suggestion is now withdrawn," said 
 Finnegan modestly. 
 
 " Now, we re all agreed," said Macnooder, 
 with an expanding smile. " Our object is to 
 take the wind right out of the Beefsteak s sails 
 to show him what ! Nothing but short sprints 
 to-night, all long distance records postponed un 
 til to-morrow." 
 
 " All right ! " said the majority, minus one. 
 
 The dinner passed without any exhibition of 
 Gargantuan powers on the part of the Waladoo 
 Bird, but this was due to 110 surrender to so- 
 
 [345] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 cial prejudices, but to the fact that, placed as he 
 was to command a view of the foyer, his whole 
 attention was concentrated on the perplexing 
 passage of flitting bell boys. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak was slightly disap 
 pointed by the reticence of his guests, but this 
 sentiment was soon lost in the blissful enjoy 
 ment of his new social footing. Nothing, in 
 fact, could have been more delightfully intimate 
 than their bearing towards him. He was not 
 simply a patron, he was one of them. 
 
 He took them to the theater, in a box, to a 
 vaudeville performance over which a year ago 
 he would have yawned himself weary. To his 
 amazement, he found himself caught up in the 
 general hilarity, wildly applauding slap-stick 
 comedians that caused Dennis de Brian de Born 
 to weep for joy. He applauded ! He had never 
 done such a thing before r He actually stamped 
 his feet and rattled his cane, demanding renewed 
 encores. And when the show was over and the 
 Tennessee Shad proposed that instead of divid 
 ing into two cabs, henceforth, whenever they 
 went they should\all crowd into one and send an 
 empty cab before them as a sort of guard of 
 
 [246] 
 
THE LAMB EETREATS 
 
 honor, lie gleefully embraced the idea and bal 
 anced on the bony ridges of the Tennessee Shad, 
 waving his hat to the crowds of Broadway with 
 the zest of restored youth. 
 
 When, late at night, after the Waladoo Bird 
 had consumed a terrifying number of oysters 
 and Finnegan had eaten three welsh rabbits, 
 Skinner had seen his guests to their rooms, he 
 returned gorgeously to his private suite. 
 
 Bucks, the confidential valet, was in wait. 
 
 "How do Bucks? How are you?" he said 
 languidly. 
 
 " Thank you, sir. It s good to see you back, 
 sir." 
 
 " The old boarding-house is still doing a fat 
 young business?" said Skinner, surrendering 
 his coat and falling into the vernacular of the 
 admired Turkey Keiter. 
 
 " I beg pardon, sir ! Oh ! Yes, sir," said 
 Bucks, momentarily mystified, " I hope you en 
 joy the school, sir?" 
 
 " It is wonderful, Bucks, wonderful. Glo 
 rious times ! Glorious fellows ! " 
 
 " That Mr. Walader, sir, certainly is some 
 thing of a man," said Bucks, with great respect. 
 
 [247] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " He could wipe the ground up with any cop 
 in New York," said Skinner stoutly. " And at 
 that you ought to see P. Lentz. He weighs 
 two hundred and sixty." 
 
 Here the telephone began to buzz angrily. 
 
 " Hello," said Skinner, going to it. 
 
 " Hello. Is that you, Monte, old boy? " said 
 the excited voice of the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " Yes, here I am." 
 
 " Say, look here, the Waladoo Bird has gone 
 clean through his bed ! " 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " Punctured a hole clean through it ! Say, fix 
 him up, will you? He s in mine now! " 
 
 "All right," said Skinner, who, turning from 
 the telephone announced with pride, " What do 
 you think of that? He s slashed the bed, Bucks 
 couldn t hold him! See to it, will you? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Get something very solid." 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 " One of those things they rig up for cattle 
 kings." 
 
 "Certainly, sir." 
 
 When the noiseless valet had slipped away, 
 [248] 
 
THE LAMB EETEEATS 
 
 Skinner stood a moment in contemplation of tlie 
 glorious feat. 
 
 " By George ! " he exclaimed, " Won t old 
 King Lentz be wild when he hears of it he s 
 only smashed a football. The Waladoo Bird is 
 a wonder. By George, I never had a better time 
 in my life! Gee, what a difference though it 
 makes when you once get in ! " 
 
 Then he sat down very seriously on the edge 
 of his fragrant bed, staring at the toes that 
 peeped forth from the gorgeous lavender silk 
 pajamas. 
 
 " By George ! " he said suddenly, with a great 
 moral resolve. " I know what I ll do. I ll hire 
 a tutor I will! I ll slave all summer. But I ll 
 get to college with that bunch or I ll injure my 
 health!" 
 
 When the stage had lumbered away after de 
 positing the last returned convict, the inmates 
 of the Dickinson House, exhausted and sleep 
 less after that Easter period which the curricu 
 lum still persists in ascribing to rest and recu 
 peration, foregathered once more on the steps 
 and the young green banks in lively discussion. 
 
 [249] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak from his room di 
 rectly above, looked down with satisfaction, 
 pausing in the process of arranging three new 
 resplendent vests It had been a never-to-be-for 
 gotten week. His hospitality had gone beyond 
 the limits where even a prince might hesitate. 
 If there was a dish on the Hotel Regal public 
 menu that Finnegan, Macnooder and the Wala- 
 doo Bird had not contended with, it was solely 
 because the season outlawed it. They had 
 neglected not a single theater, riding to and fro 
 always with an empty cab ahead as an outrider. 
 The totalled record of meals consumed and 
 carriages provided had made Skinner, pater, 
 blink with amazement and there had been a few 
 words on the subject, including a cash offer if 
 the visit could possibly be abbreviated. 
 
 But this was pure inconsequential persiflage 
 and had been silenced at once by the announce 
 ment of Montague s highly virtuous intention to 
 secure a college education. 
 
 The Beefsteak, fondly secure of the affections 
 of his late guests, brazenly deployed an array 
 of theatric neckwear where it would most daz 
 zle and astound. 
 
 Of course, he had that admiration for the 
 [250] 
 
THE LAMB RETREATS 
 
 Waladoo Bird, that d Artagnan entertained for 
 Porthos, Dennis de Brian de Born fascinated him 
 and the Tennessee Shad moved him to envy with 
 the dark and devious strategy of his mind. But, 
 after all, it was Macnooder, the financier, and the 
 Triumphant Egghead, the representative of so 
 ciety, who really stirred his heart strings, and 
 they should be his special cronies, singled out 
 from the multitude. 
 
 He finished the task of sorting his marvelous 
 wardrobe, and yielding to an impulse, boldly 
 arrayed himself in his latest tailored creation, 
 a noticeable concoction in large brown and 
 green squares. He surveyed with genteel pride 
 the thin perfect line of the red silk necktie, pass 
 ing his hand over the speckled vest with large 
 white buttons. He liked to dress well, in per 
 fect taste, yet with distinction, and now at last 
 he dared gratify this taste. 
 
 Secure as a Braddock, in his complacent con 
 fidence, he went down the steps and burst in full 
 vision upon the group. 
 
 " Well, old gazebos," said the Beefsteak, throw 
 ing back the sides of his coat, peacock fashion, 
 " How do you like the spring styles? " 
 
 Turkey Reiter looked at Doc Macnooder and 
 [251] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 sadly shook his head, while in the group an omi 
 nous silence began to spread. 
 
 The Uncooked Beefsteak, all unaware, saun 
 tered down to a position beside the Triumphant 
 Egghead and clapped him on the shoulder. 
 
 " Egghead, old sporting life, tell the multitude 
 about the classy food I corralled for you." 
 
 Then spoke Turkey Reiter, the czar, solemnly : 
 
 " Beefsteak, there is a pair of old muddy boots, 
 standing right in front of my washstand. The 
 mud is rather hard and doesn t improve the boots 
 a bit. Better go up now quietly and see 
 what you can do with them." 
 
 " What ! " said the Beefsteak, every hair of his 
 head starting up with horror. 
 
 " Take great care of them," said Turkey Reiter 
 softly. " They are niy favorite boots." 
 
 " You don t mean it ! " said the Beefsteak, turn 
 ing desperately to Macnooder, " Oh, I say ! not 
 again ! " 
 
 " It s for your own good, you blasted million 
 aire," said Macnooder sadly. " It hurts us 
 more than it does you." 
 
 A great lump rose in the Beefsteak s throat. 
 He turned wildly to the Triumphant Egghead. 
 
 [252] 
 
THE LAMB KETREATS 
 " Yes, Macnooder is right/ said this last hope. 
 " We re really doing you good. So, Beefsteak 
 when you finish the boots up nicely, come down 
 on your tip-toes and brush up a few of my things. 
 My clothes have been kept in such rattling good 
 order lately that I should hate " 
 
 But the Beefsteak zigzagging in his walk 
 had wabbled up the steps. He went to his room 
 and sat down, steadying his head in his hands. 
 And there at last the full light broke over him. 
 
 That evening as the House was gathered 
 for supper, Butcher Stevens suddenly ex 
 claimed : 
 
 " For the love of Mike, look at the Uncooked 
 Beefsteak ! " 
 
 Around the corner came Skinner, clad in an 
 ill-fitting pair of ink-stained corduroy trousers, 
 a jersey in place of the loud vest and a slouch 
 hat over his eye. 
 
 " Merciful heavens ! " said the Triumphant 
 Egghead, with a shock. " Beefsteak, where did 
 you get that rig? " 
 
 " I traded it," said the Uncooked Beefsteak 
 firmly. " Got it for my last f 85.00 tailor suit." 
 
 [253] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Dear boy, what does this mean ! " said Mac- 
 nooder, with a horrible misgiving. 
 
 " Read that ! " said the Beefsteak, thrusting a 
 paper on Turkey Keiter. 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 " It s a telegram, I ve just sent home. Go on, 
 read it!" 
 
 And Turkey Eeiter read: 
 
 Joshua M. Skinner, 
 The Regal Hotel, 
 
 New York City. 
 Cut my allowance to a dollar a week. 
 
 Montague. 
 
 " Explain ! " said the Tennessee Shad heart 
 broken. 
 
 " I will," said the Beefsteak militantly. " It 
 means I am on, I m wise. It means you ve edu 
 cated me and I know my lesson. From now on 
 the bank is suspended. I ll start even. And 
 remember this," he added, looking steadily at 
 Hacnooder, " I may still be a Beefsteak, but 
 there s nothing uncooked about me I m done 
 to a crisp ! " 
 
 [254] 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OP THE FIRM 
 
 Say did you pass? Then set } em up! 
 
 Good work, my brilliant brother. 
 Say, did you flunk f Then pass the cup! 
 
 Hard luck! Let s have another! 
 It heightens all the joys of Greek, 
 
 Soothes Mathematics rigor, 
 In each event of life we seek 
 
 The ever-flowing jigger. 
 
 Refrain 
 
 The jig, jig, jigger, 
 
 e jig, jig, jigger, 
 
 The jig, jig, jigger, the jigger, 
 But we, when waves of trouble roll, 
 We hie us to the jigger. 
 
 " For Heaven s sake, shut up, Goat ! You re 
 way off the tune," said the Tennessee Shad ir 
 ritably. 
 
 [255] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Now, the Goat knew he was not off the tune 
 and, likewise, perfectly understood the cause of 
 the irritation. Wallowing gorgeously on heaped- 
 up sofa-cushions, breathing in the perfumed 
 breeze at the open window, his chin in his 
 hands, he looked down maliciously to where the 
 Tennessee Shad, indolently on his back, retired 
 under the brim of his sombrero, was nibbling at 
 the pink-and-white petals that rocked languidly 
 down. Then, with malice aforethought, the 
 Goat s floating tenor resumed: 
 
 It cools in heat, it warms in cold, 
 
 If sick it can restore us, 
 And when our health becomes too good, 
 
 Twill fix the matter for us; 
 So eat a plenty while you re small, 
 
 Eat more when you are bigger, 
 And lest we do not grow at all, 
 
 Let s take another jigger. 
 
 "Chorus now, Shad!" 
 The jig, jig, jigger, 
 The jig, jig, jigger, 
 The jig, jig, jigger, the jigger. 
 But we, when waves of trouble roll, 
 We hie us to the jigger. 
 [256] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 Whereupon the Goat, seized with the idea, 
 disappeared from the dormer window and pres 
 ently shuffled out on the esplanade. 
 
 " They re fresh strawberry jiggers, Shad," he 
 exclaimed tantalizingly ; " for the first time 
 too." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad snored loudly. 
 
 " Would you like me to set you up? " said the 
 Goat, frisking as near as he dared. " Would 
 you like to forget the past and have a jigger on 
 me would you, Shad? My hair s long and 
 curly now." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad was too wary to be caught 
 by any such hypothetical invitation to which he 
 knew very well the answer to his answer; so he 
 snored again, but keeping an eyelid batting on 
 the chance that the Goat would venture too 
 near. 
 
 " Strawberry jiggers, nice, fresh, creamy 
 strawberry jiggers ! " said his tormentor. " My ! 
 I m going to eat a dozen. Sorry you don t care 
 about ? em. Ta-ta ! " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad opened one eye and 
 watched the Goat go gamboling toward the vil 
 lage, as goats should go who are glad to be alive 
 
 [257] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 in the best of all months, who have ravenous 
 appetites and something jingling in their pockets 
 to lay down on the counter. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad had all the requisites for 
 perfect happiness except the last there was 
 nothing in his pockets to sound musically, not 
 even one miserable nickel to strike against 
 another. Not only was he devoid of credit, 
 but, as the result of the education of Beef 
 steak, of the Criminal Club, and the search 
 for German measles, he was not quite re 
 stored to that social standing which would war 
 rant his approaching a past victim with the de 
 mand direct. 
 
 Despite these incontestable facts which should 
 have allowed him to withdraw under the spell 
 of his philosophy, one disturbing, buzzing little 
 sound persistently and mockingly persecuted 
 him: 
 
 " Fresh strawberry jiggers ! 
 
 Now, there are three great epochs in the an 
 nual of the school: the first appearance of the 
 strawberry, the arrival of the raspberry, and 
 that happy moment when the spoon plunges in 
 to the creamy jigger and strikes upon the juicy 
 
 [258] 
 
LAST HISTOKIC EXPLOIT OP THE FIRM 
 
 shreds of the peach. And, the greatest of these 
 is the inauguration of the strawberry season. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad drew in his cheeks and 
 ran his tongue over his lips until he could bear 
 it no longer. He sat up, blowing the sprinkled 
 apple blossoms from his coat, and began to con 
 sider seriously. 
 
 " I must see Doc Macnooder," he said at 
 length, after a vain examination of his own ar 
 tifices. He stood himself up by a process of 
 jerks and, acquiring sufficient momentum by his 
 first movements, entered the House, bumped 
 around the corners and rubbed his way to Mac 
 nooder s room, where he gave the agreed signal. 
 No answer returning, he applied his eye to the 
 keyhole, and then, chinning himself, surveyed by 
 way of the transom the deserted bottles, the 
 stuffed owl and the dangling dried bats. 
 
 " Doc must be in the village," he said. " If he 
 is in funds I certainly ought to be good for a 
 touch there." 
 
 For those who knew the Tennessee Shad his 
 gait told all. When under the magic of a pos 
 sibly productive idea he went rapidly in a bee- 
 line, his thin legs seeming to shut and close with 
 
 [259] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 the agility of a tailor s shears. On the present 
 occasion, being in a deeply-meditative mood, he 
 went in little stumbling steps, often stopping to 
 change his stride, scratching his head and, being 
 lonely, altering his stride to kick along some 
 stone larger than the rest. 
 
 In this mode he suddenly perceived the plump, 
 Capuchin figure and round head of Doc Mac- 
 nooder sauntering toward him, hands sunk in 
 his pockets, his glance wandering in the clouds. 
 At the same moment Macnooder perceived him 
 and the following colloquy ensued: 
 
 " Hello, there." 
 
 " Hello, yourself/ 7 
 
 " I was looking for you, Doc." 
 
 " I was trailing for you." 
 
 Em you were?" 
 
 " I was." 
 
 " That means you are strapped." 
 
 " You don t mean to say you are? " 
 
 " Why, Doc, you re an old millionaire. I 
 thought you " 
 
 " My money s all tied up," said Macnooder. 
 " Invested in stocks and that sort of thing." 
 
 " You were my last hope," said the Tennessee 
 [260] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 Shad. " If the firm s bust what are we going to 
 do about it? We ve got to find something." 
 
 " Let s see what s doin first," said Macnooder. 
 " Let s reconnoiter." 
 
 " We might try Laloo," said the Tennessee 
 Shad thoughtfully. " I gave him the idea of hot 
 dugs. He s made thousands on it." 
 
 But as they approached, Laloo, basking lazily 
 at the entrance of the frankfurter palace, shifted 
 his toothpick and ominously drew out a little 
 memorandum. 
 
 The two stopped. 
 
 " There s gratitude for you," said the Tennes 
 see Shad bitterly. 
 
 " You should have struck a bargain with him," 
 said Macnooder, the banker : " ten per cent and 
 your personal account." 
 
 " Shall we try Appleby? " asked the Shad. 
 
 "What s the use?" replied Macnooder. 
 
 They proceeded up the leafy street to where, 
 before the jigger shop, a score of ravenous boys 
 were clinking their spoons against their glasses. 
 In front a huge placard announced: 
 
 FRESH STRAWBERRY JIGGERS 
 
 " Let s work the Hickey Flimflam on the 
 [261] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 bunch," said the Tennessee Shad, perceiving 
 Turker Reiter, the Goat, Butcher Stevens and 
 the Gutter Pup, 
 
 " All right I m desperate," said Macnooder 
 under his breath ; " but wait till Turkey Reiter 
 clears out. He s on." 
 
 " Turkey s a square sport," said the Shad ; " he 
 Avouldn t give it away." 
 
 They reached the crowd on the steps and 
 saluted. 
 
 "Pretty good, eh?" 
 
 " You bet your sweet life ! " 
 
 " Nothing like the strawberry, is there? " 
 
 "Um-um!" 
 
 " How s the supply hold out? " 
 
 " Say, Doc," said the Tennessee Shad, closing 
 one eye and cocking his head toward the counter 
 where APs steely glance was turned upon them, 
 " do you think, could you be persuaded eh, 
 what? " 
 
 "What, again? 9 cried Doc in simulated as 
 tonishment. 
 
 AFs eye opened and his finger stole softly 
 across his politician s mustache, as he bent for 
 ward the better to listen. 
 
 " Oh, come on ! There s always room for an- 
 [262] 
 
LAST HISTOKIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIKM 
 other," said the Tennessee Shad. " Just to be 
 sociable." 
 
 " Why, you old gormandizer ! " said Macnoo- 
 der. "You ll swell up and bust!" 
 
 "Then you won t?" 
 
 " You bet I won t ! " said Macnooder, loosen 
 ing his belt. " And you re a bigger fool than I 
 took you for if you do. However, go ahead and 
 commit suicide if you want ! " 
 
 " Well, I guess I won t," said the Shad softly, 
 slipping his belt to an easier hole and sitting 
 down. " I just wanted to be sociable, that s 
 all." 
 
 They ensconced themselves in the group, chat 
 ting aimlessly for a quarter of an hour, with sur 
 feited unconsciousness of the melting jiggers 
 that circulated beneath their noses. 
 
 Finally, it being his turn to treat, the Beef 
 steak, in fancied security, maliciously addressed 
 Doc Macnooder. 
 
 "How about it, Doc?" 
 
 Macnooder emitted a long whistle and said in 
 differently : " I oughtn t to, but if the Shad will 
 take one, too, I ll be sociable." 
 
 " Only a single, Doc," said the Tennessee 
 Shad ; " I couldn t eat any more I couldn t." 
 
 [263] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 The Beefsteak, who not for the world would 
 have offered to treat had he believed them raven 
 ous and destitute, once persuaded that further 
 jiggers might be accompanied by physical pain 
 and exertion, insisted maliciously. 
 
 "How about it, Shad?" said Doc. "Come 
 along, be sociable." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad in turn drew a long 
 breath. 
 
 " Oh, very well," he said, " but only a single/ 
 
 Al, in the act of filling the glasses, stopped and 
 looked long at the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " Now, what s the game? " he said to himself. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad looked indifferently into 
 the coveted glass, stirred the solitary jigger a 
 little with the spoon, nibbled without appetite 
 and relapsed into conversation. 
 
 " Say, Shad, I d like to bet you couldn t eat 
 six doubles," said Doc facetiously, winking at 
 the Beefsteak. 
 
 The Tennessee Shad snorted. 
 
 " You don t want a cinch, do you ? " he said 
 crushingly. 
 
 Turkey Keiter stopped, caught Macnooder s 
 eye, smiled rerniniscently and nudged the Beef 
 steak. 
 
 [264] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " I thought you d bet on anything," said the 
 Beefsteak. 
 
 " So I will." 
 
 " Well, I ll bet you can t do it right now! " 
 
 " Eat six double jiggers? " 
 
 " That s what I say." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad jingled his keys in his 
 trousers. 
 
 " Why don t you pick my pockets? " 
 
 " You re a quitter," said the Beefsteak, 
 warming at the thought of the many old scores 
 he had to wipe off. " I ll bet you half a dollar 
 even you can t do it, and the loser pays for the 
 jiggers right now. And if you don t take it up 
 you re a paper-collared sport and a bluff." 
 
 " That s pretty strong talk, Shad ! " said Mac- 
 nooder. 
 
 " It s all very well for you to talk," said the 
 Shad angrily. " This is one of your put-up 
 games ! " 
 
 The Beefsteak, egged on by Turkey, insult 
 ingly flashed the half-dollar under the Tennessee 
 Shad s nose, exclaiming : 
 
 " Oh, you bluff, you cheap sport ! Will you 
 take me? Will you? " 
 
 [265] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " You be hanged ! " said the Tennessee Shad 
 wrathfully. " If there ever was a cheap sport, 
 it s you. You never would bet unless you had a 
 cinch. Well, I ll take you on one condition." 
 
 "What?" 
 
 Doc and Turkey looked surprised, while Al at 
 the counter, with his hand on the spigot, cocked 
 his head slightly. 
 
 " That you make the same bet with Doc Mac- 
 nooder." 
 
 Macnooder was on his feet protesting. 
 
 " Oh, I say, hold up. I m not in this." 
 
 The crowd found against him. 
 
 " Hold up, there," said the Beefsteak, 
 scratching his head. " That s a pretty big bet." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad saw the dawn of suspicion 
 in the Beefsteak s eyes, and shifted his attack 
 forthwith. 
 
 "Well, I ll make that bet myself," he ex 
 claimed. "Who s the quitter now?" 
 
 The Beefsteak, reassured, stated the terms 
 cautiously. 
 
 " Half a dollar even you can t eat six double 
 jiggers " 
 
 " Strawberry jiggers." 
 
 [266] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Strawberry jiggers in an hour." 
 
 " Let it go at an hour." 
 
 "Shake?" 
 
 " Shake ! " 
 
 Then the Tennessee Shad turned aggressively 
 on Doc Macnooder. 
 
 " Same thing goes with you?" 
 
 " Confound you ! " 
 
 "Half a dollar even?" 
 
 " Well, yes. 1 
 
 "Shake?" 
 
 "Shake!" 
 
 " Al, serve em up ! " 
 
 Then Doc and the Tennessee Shad, not too 
 fast, but as with great physical effort, each ate 
 six double jiggers. 
 
 The Beefsteak, whose hopes had been alter 
 nately raised and lowered with this comedy, paid 
 sixty cents for the jiggers the Shad had consumed 
 and sullenly tossed him the shining half-dollar. 
 The Tennessee Shad, having lost to Macnooder, 
 gravely transferred the coin, and Macnooder, 
 rising, tendered it to Al, saying : 
 
 "I m a dime short, Al but that s the price 
 of admission." 
 
 [267] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "Keep it, my boy," said Al enthusiastically, 
 putting the half-dollar away from him. " Keep 
 it ; it s yours. I d be ashamed to touch a penny 
 of it." 
 
 Turkey Eeiter solemnly offered his hand to 
 the Tennessee Shad, saying: 
 
 " Old sporting print, I never saw it better 
 done, not even by Hickey, God bless him ! " 
 
 " Thank you ! " said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " Why, where is the Beefsteak? " 
 
 They crowded to the window and saw the 
 Beefsteak, collar up, brim down, hands sunk in 
 his pockets, deliberately tracking for home. 
 
 Half an hour later, the audience having 
 shifted, they caught the Gutter Pup and repeated 
 with equal success. 
 
 Arm-in-arm, fed to satiety, each with five nick 
 els jingling in his pocket, Doc and the Tennessee 
 Shad rolled hilariously back to the House. 
 
 " It was brilliant," said the Shad, thinking of 
 future strawberry jiggers. " But it is limited, 
 Doc. We were lucky to get the Gutter Pup." 
 
 " It leaves us about where we were." 
 
 " We ve got to do something something big 
 on a swipe scale ! " 
 
 [268] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " We certainly have." 
 
 "You haven t anything up your sleeve?" 
 
 " Lots of ? em, Shad but they re all on the 
 flimflam order. This time we ve got to produce 
 some goods." 
 
 They proceeded, each searching inwardly un 
 til almost to the House. Suddenly from the 
 north door Alcibiades, the waiter, with a splash 
 of white linen over his arm, emerged and disap 
 peared around the back. The Tennessee Shad 
 stopped. 
 
 " Did you see him? " 
 
 " Who? " 
 
 " Doc, I ve got an idea ! " 
 
 " Fire away ! " 
 
 " No no," said the Tennessee Shad rumi- 
 natively, " not now, Doc ; not just now. It needs 
 thinking over. What time does it get dark?" 
 
 " Eight o clock," said Macnooder mystified. 
 
 " Meet me at half -past eight, thirty feet behind 
 the baseball cage alone ! " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, on taking his seat at the 
 table that night, fixed his gaze on Alcibiades, the 
 waiter, in such a concentrated glare that that 
 
 [269] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 menial, in his nervousness, violently did offense 
 to Slush Randolph s ear with the platter of in 
 coming sinkers. 
 
 " Confound you, Shad," said Slush, " quit rat 
 tling Alcibiades. What s wrong with him, any 
 how?" 
 
 The Tennessee Shad stared haughtily at Slush 
 and addressed Hungry Smeed. 
 
 " What do you know about him? " 
 
 "Who? Alcibiades?" 
 
 " Yes, what s his real name? " 
 
 " Finnigan Patsy Finnigan," said Smeed, 
 who didn t know. 
 
 " Correct. Now does anything strike you as 
 peculiar about him? " 
 
 " Naw," said Hungry Smeed, annoyed at being 
 delayed in his eating and watching Slush from 
 the corner of his eye to make sure he didn t beat 
 him to a second helping. 
 
 " Look again." 
 
 " He looks like a prize-fighter." 
 
 " Oh, you do see that, do you? Well, he was 
 a prize-fighter." 
 
 At this startling announcement Slush, Butcher 
 Stevens, the Triumphant Egghead and Hungry 
 [270] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 Snieed raised their heads with a simultaneous 
 jerk and gazed at the circling Alcibiades. 
 
 " Come off ; he s too thin," said Butcher Stev 
 ens with a critical glance. 
 
 " Look at his jaw. Look at his bullet head. 
 Look at those blood-shot eyes." 
 
 "Why, he s a feather!" 
 
 "Featherweight, that s it." 
 
 " Say, you old Tennessee Shad," said Butcher 
 Stevens directly, " you know something. You ve 
 got something up your sleeve. Do you know he s 
 a prize-fighter? " 
 
 "Well, supposin I do?" said the Tennessee 
 Shad. 
 
 " A prize-fighter ! " 
 
 "It can t be true!" 
 
 " He does have the jaw." 
 
 " Shut up ! " said the Tennessee Shad. " Do 
 you want everyone to hear? " 
 
 " Say, Bub, what s doing? " 
 
 " I ve got an idea," said the Shad with dignity, 
 " a real imported, patent-applied-for idea, and I 
 want you fellows to clear out and give me a 
 chance. Mind, now, whatever you do, don t tell 
 a soul what I told you ! " 
 
 [271] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 A moment later the astonished Alcibades re 
 ceived from the hands of the Tennessee Shad, ac 
 companied by a terrific look of mystery, a covert 
 scrawl with a whispered : " Read at once." 
 
 At half-past eight, while Doc Macnooder, lurk 
 ing in the gloom behind the baseball cage, was 
 straining eyes and ears for the approach of the 
 Tennessee Shad, suddenly, from the ground in 
 front of him, a thin, black silhouette sprang up. 
 
 " What s that? " cried Macnooder, bounding 
 back. 
 
 " Sh ! Doc, it s me," said the familiar nasal 
 voice of the Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " Confound you ! What do you mean by 
 sneaking in on me like that? " 
 
 " Hush I had to be sure you weren t a spy," 
 said the Tennessee Shad, grasping his arm. 
 " No one must know our errand here ! " . . 
 
 " Well, what the deuce is our errand? " 
 
 " We are waiting for someone," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad mysteriously. " Sit quietly now 
 and keep your fingers crossed, for if we pull this 
 off, Doc Macnooder, we re going to buy a safe to 
 stuff our spondulix in." 
 
 " Pull off what? " 
 
 [272] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Silence!" 
 
 After ten minutes tense breathing suddenly 
 the Tennessee Shad spoke: 
 
 "Doc?" 
 
 Yes." 
 
 " Do you hear anything? " 
 
 " Not a sound." 
 
 " Well, I do pebbles crunching over there. 
 Now, look ! " 
 
 " Where? " 
 
 " To your right, squint down along the fence, 
 just past where the moonlight hits the second 
 tree. See? 
 
 " There s someone coming." 
 
 "Hush!" 
 
 Presently the Tennessee Shad "sent forth a 
 cautious whistle. The approaching figure 
 loomed larger, stopped, advanced, stopped and 
 looked about defensively. 
 
 " He s carrying a stick," said Macnooder. 
 
 "It s all right," said the Tennessee Shad, 
 rising. " Well go to meet him." 
 
 Advancing rapidly, he exclaimed: 
 
 " Mr. Finnigan, shake hands with Mr. Mac 
 nooder. Doc, shake hands with Mr. Finnigan." 
 
 [273] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Why, it s Alcibiades ! " exclaimed Macnoo 
 der. 
 
 " Of course it is," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " Come, Finnigan, we re not safe here. Come 
 quickly. Follow me." 
 
 " Where you takin me? " said Alcibiades, 
 planting the stick in front of him. 
 
 " Down by the pond in the woods where no 
 one ll hear us." 
 
 " Thanks, but I ll stay here." . 
 
 " Shucks, Alcibiades," said the Tennessee 
 Shad soothingly. " All we want is to put a 
 little sporting proposition to you." 
 
 " Well, you can put it here." 
 
 "Don t you trust us?" 
 
 " No, you young devils ; you bet I don t. If 
 you ve got anything to say, say it or I m going 
 back." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad consulted with Macnoo- 
 der and, taking a step toward Alcibiades, said 
 firmly : 
 
 "Finnigan, you re a prize-fighter!" 
 
 "Huh?" 
 
 " You re an ex-prize-fighter ! " 
 
 [274] 
 
LAST HISTOKIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " What s that got to do with it? " 
 
 "Are you?" 
 
 Alcibiades scratched his head and considered. 
 
 " And what then? " he said cautiously. 
 " What s the answer? " 
 
 " I knew it ! " said the Tennessee Shad joy 
 fully. " Finnigan, give me your hand. I m 
 proud to shake it! " 
 
 The startled Alcibiades then suffered his 
 right hand to be enthusiastically pumped by 
 Macnooder, but kept with his left a convulsive 
 grasp on the stick. 
 
 " Now, Finnigan," said the Tennessee Shad 
 professionally, " here s the point. What would 
 you say to putting on the mitts just once 
 more?" 
 
 " No, you don t ! " exclaimed the little Irish 
 man, springing back. 
 
 Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad gazed in 
 astonishment. 
 
 " What the deuce is the matter with him 
 Doc?" 
 
 " Guess he thinks we want to kidnap him and 
 make him fight Turkey or Butcher." 
 
 [275] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Don t be a fool, Alcibiades, said the Tennes 
 see Shad sharply. " None of us wants to fight 
 you." 
 
 " Well, what do you want, then? " said Alci- 
 blades, still on the defensive. 
 
 " Do you know any of the profession down 
 in Trenton? " 
 
 " In Trenton? 
 
 " Yes. Could you get anyone from there to 
 come up and go a mill with you? " 
 
 "Could I? You want me to find some 
 one? " 
 
 " That s it. Do you know anyone there? " 
 
 " Oh, yes ! Sure, I know a lot of men there. 
 But what do I want to be puttin on the gloves 
 for, anyway? " 
 
 " Why, we put up a purse, of course." 
 
 " Well, now, why in the devil didn t you be 
 gin with that?" said Finnigan, dropping the 
 stick. " That s talkin . Sure I mistrusted you 
 were tryin to play a trick on me." 
 
 "So you think you could make a match, Fin 
 nigan?" 
 
 " Maybe so, maybe. I m running into Tren 
 ton to-morrow morning. I might look around 
 
 [276] 
 

 LAST HISTOKIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 a bit. It all depends on the purse, you know. 
 Now, what might be your idea on that? " 
 
 Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad withdrew 
 and whispered. Macnooder, as the man of 
 affairs, continued the operations. 
 
 " Well, now, Finnigan, what would you say 
 was a fair proposition? Come, now, speak 
 right up!" 
 
 "For how long a fight?" 
 
 " Oh, fifteen good slashing rounds. Come, 
 now, what would you say? " 
 
 " Well, I don t know what I d say." 
 
 " How about fifteen dollars dollar a 
 round?" 
 
 " Sure you young bloods can do better than 
 that." 
 
 " Well, twenty-five dollars lump." 
 
 "There s the expenses from Trenton?" 
 
 " Five dollars more for the rig. Is it a go? " 
 
 " Well, I ll have to see a bit." 
 
 " Fix it up for to-morrow night if you can, 
 and have your man here on the stroke of mid 
 night," 
 
 " Well, I ll see what I can do." 
 
 " Twenty-five-dollar purse, five for the rig and 
 [277] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 fifteen good slashing rounds. That s the terms. 
 All right? Put it here!" 
 
 The Tennessee Shad and Macnooder, having 
 watched Alcibiades flit back into the far shadow 
 of the Upper, withdrew to the secret banks of 
 the pond, where the lugubrious moon fell in a 
 shining splash amid the massy reflections of the 
 wood. 
 
 " Shad," said Macnooder, breaking the si 
 lence, " this is a wonder. It is beautiful. 1 
 really am touched. As a bonanza investment it 
 takes me back to the late lamented Hickey and 
 his no-guarantee silver-gilt clappers." 
 
 " Let s reckon up," said the Tennessee Shad 
 professionally. " First, expense account. Purse 
 and rig from Trenton, thirty dollars. Hiring 
 of baseball cage, nothing. Advertising, nothing. 
 Bribing of police, nothing. Subsidizing press, 
 nothing. Can you think of anything else? " 
 
 " I can t." 
 
 "Total expenses thirty dollars. Now for 
 the rub. What ll we make the admission 
 one plunk? " 
 
 [278] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIKM 
 
 " That s pretty stiff." 
 
 " We ll make that for reserved seats, front 
 row. Just before the fight we can issue ordinary 
 admissions at one bone." 
 
 "Cash?" 
 
 " Absolutely." 
 
 " Now, Doc," said the Tennessee Shad serious 
 ly, " we must look at all sides of this, and there s 
 one snag and it s a big one." 
 
 "Which one?" 
 
 " Our past reputations." 
 
 "Um! " 
 
 " The Egghead s sore on me because that 
 haircut before the Prom queered him with his 
 girl, and the Gutter Pup for several reasons, 
 but principally for my leading him into mumps 
 instead of German measles. He had em bad, 
 Doc, very bad." 
 
 "W T ell,I suppose we d better cut em out, then?" 
 
 " On the contrary, don t you see, they re the 
 only ones can help us to general confidence." 
 
 " I know it s a good one," said Macnooder 
 somewhat puzzled, " but it hasn t quite got to 
 me yet. How the deuce are you going to get 
 
 [279] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 those two yaps who are gunning for you to help 
 you inspire general confidence? " 
 
 " I m going to make them my officials Gut 
 ter Pup shall be referee, and the Triumphant 
 Egghead timekeeper." 
 
 " I see," said Macnooder enthusiastically ; 
 " salve them over with a few plunks apiece r 
 
 "Doc," said the Tennessee Shad from the 
 heights of a loftier genius, " you are really only 
 fit to be a money-changer and a pawnbroker. 
 When will you rise to the truths of high 
 finance? " 
 
 " I am humbly listening," said Doc. " What 
 is it? 
 
 " I am not going to do anything so low-down, 
 easy and commonplace as to pay them to do 
 what I ve got to have done." 
 
 "No?" 
 
 " No ! I m going to make the Gutter Pup and 
 the Triumphant Egghead give me the sanction 
 of their re-spec-ta-ble names and Fm going to 
 make ? em pay me for doing it." 
 
 Doc Macnooder humbly knelt and struck the 
 ground with his forehead. 
 
 " Oh, wonderful Tennessee Shad ! When you 
 [280] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 get into business let me be your office- 
 boy? " 
 
 " That s already promised/- said the Tennes 
 see Shad, pleased. " Turkey Reiter has the call. 
 And now to biz. I let off a bit at the dinner 
 table about Alcibiades being a prize-fighter and 
 told the boys not to breathe a word; so, by this 
 time, it ought to be all over the Upper. The 
 Gutter Pup ll be primed. Let s swoop down on 
 him." 
 
 " If we pull this off," said Macnooder sadly 
 " it ll be just about the last, Shad." 
 
 " Alas ! " 
 
 " They ll never -stand for another deal from 
 us!" 
 
 " They ve stood for a good many." 
 
 " Shad, here ends the firm of Macnooder and 
 the Tennessee Shad." 
 
 " Perhaps, but Doc this is the great and only 
 Lalapazazza. We may go down, but it ll be 
 with the band playing and the dear girls strew 
 ing flowers ! 
 
 " Say, what are we going to call Alcibiades? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad paused and reflected. 
 
 Patsy, the Brute." 
 
 [281] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Then he ought to pad," said Doc doubtfully. 
 " He looks more like chills and fever." 
 
 " Good idea. I ll see to that. The other fel 
 low is the Trenton Terror." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad, accompanied by Doc, 
 rapped softly and stole in as innocently as Br er 
 Rabbit. The Gutter Pup, alone, intrenched be 
 hind a desk, lifted the green shade from his 
 eyes and looked at the intruder deliberately, 
 with an appetizing, fox-eyed glance. 
 
 " Hello, you old Gutter Pup ! " said the Ten 
 nessee Shad in a friendly way, while Doc slid to 
 a seat. "Am I welcome?" 
 
 " You are not ! Get out of here ! " 
 
 "Does that little jigger episode rankle?" 
 said the Shad, sidling forward. " Because I ve 
 come to pay you back." 
 
 " What ! " said Gutter Pup, startled from his 
 attitude." 
 
 " I ve come to pay you back," said the Shad, 
 jingling the three remaining nickels to sound 
 like a pocketful ; " that is, if if you think it 
 wasn t a square catch." 
 
 " Humph that s the string to it." 
 
 " No, no, I m serious. I want to be fair and 
 [282] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OP THE FIKM 
 above-board. If you think well, what do you 
 think?" 
 
 " Oh, you caught me all right." 
 
 " I ll tell you what I ll do," said the Tennessee 
 Shad suddenly ; " I ll help you to work it on 
 Lovely Mead or the Egghead. I ll square it that 
 way. What do you say? It certainly would be 
 a corking sell on Lovely ! " 
 
 At this astute appeal to frail human nature 
 the Gutter Pup s scowl of vanity gave place to 
 a smile at the soothing thought of leading his 
 dearest chum into the same trap into which he 
 had fallen. 
 
 " Let her go at that." 
 
 " Good/ said the Tennessee Shad, extending 
 his hand. " No hard feelings. Gutter Pup, 
 you re the sport of the bunch. Shake." 
 
 The Gutter Pup shook hands gravely. 
 
 " Now, Gutter Pup, we want your advice," 
 said the Shad cheerily. " I ve got an idea." 
 
 " No," said the Gutter Pup firmly. 
 
 " It s a beautiful idea." 
 
 " Never again ! " 
 
 "Just hear it!" 
 
 "No and no!" 
 
 [283] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 "What! Haven t you any curiosity?" 
 
 " I haven t ! 
 
 "But, Gutter Pup" 
 
 " Not a word. 7 
 
 " It s just this " 
 
 The Gutter Pup sealed his ears with his fin 
 gers and looked stonily at the Shad. The Shad 
 looked at Macnooder, shrugged his shoulders 
 and made a sign of capitulation. The Gutter 
 Pup disdainfully maintained his attitude. The 
 Tennessee Shad sat down, picked up a paper- 
 cutter and gazed at it with such set melancholy 
 that, from sheer curiosity, the Gutter Pup re 
 leased his ears. 
 
 "Gutter Pup," said the Shad pathetically, 
 " do you realize that your conduct hurts me? " 
 
 " Glad of it." 
 
 " Do you realize that in a short month all we 
 old friends are going away from here to part 
 forever? Can t you understand that your con 
 duct and Egghead s and all the rest hurts me 
 and makes me feel bad? Don t you realize that 
 I want to do something to wipe out the past and 
 win back the friends, the good old friends 
 
 again? " 
 
 [284] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 "Yes, you do!" 
 
 "Yes, Gutter Pup, I do I feel lonely. I 
 want to be restored to the old feeling of confi 
 dence." 
 
 " Mumps ! " said the Gutter Pap, blushing a 
 little. 
 
 " That s just it," said the Shad instantly. " I 
 wanted you to say that! That s just what 
 makes me feel bad. I want to make amends ; to 
 give you fellows something that ll wipe off the 
 slate. Now, my little idea." 
 
 Up went the Gutter Pup s fingers again. 
 The Tennessee Shad looked very sad, sighed, rose 
 and offered his hand in farewell. 
 
 The Gutter Pup, smiling scornfully, extended 
 his. 
 
 " It was only a prize-fight," said the Tennessee 
 Shad hurriedly, clutching the hand in both of 
 his. " Never mind. Good-by ! Come on, Doc." 
 
 He went toward the door; Doc did not rise. 
 
 " Hold up ! " said the Gutter Pup. 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 " You said prize-fight? " 
 
 " I did." 
 
 " What do you mean by that? " 
 [285] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " I meant a crocheting sociable, of course," 
 said the Tennessee Shad. " That s what is al 
 ways meant by prize-fight! Well, good-by " 
 
 " Wait a moment now ; don t be so thundering 
 touchy." 
 
 " I am touchy." 
 
 "Eats! can t you take a joke?" 
 
 " Not some jokes. Come on, Doc." 
 
 " Look here, Shad," said the Gutter Pup, slip 
 ping past him and locking the door. " Say, I 
 take it back. Go on, now, let me in on this. 
 Who s the scrap between? " 
 
 The Tennessee Shad stared at Doc and then 
 at the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " I said nothing about an amateur boxing ex 
 hibition " 
 
 " What do you mean ? " 
 
 " I m talking about a really professional 
 prize-fight." 
 
 "A prize-fight between professionals real 
 professionals? " 
 
 Exactly that." 
 
 "Then it s straight about Alcibiades?" 
 
 "Who told you?" cried Macnooder and the 
 Tennessee Shad in simulated anger. 
 
 [286] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " No matter," said the Gutter Pup hastily. " I 
 promised not to tell." 
 
 " Well, it is true," said the Tennessee Shad. 
 " His real name is Patsy the Brute, and Doc 
 and I have matched him to go fifteen rounds 
 against a bruiser we re smuggling up here called 
 the Trenton Terror. Now ask me to sit down, 
 and put a soft cushion behind my back ! " 
 
 The Gutter Pup, rendered weak by emotion, 
 grabbed the Tennessee Shad s arm and clung to 
 him. In his underform years, (as has been re 
 lated), the Gutter Pup had fought battles galore 
 for the pure love of battling, and was now the 
 President of the Sporting Club (vice Hickey 
 once removed), an organization devoted to the 
 scientific healing of animosities without re 
 course to debasing exhibitions of billingsgate. 
 Likewise the Gutter Pup possessed on his wall, 
 as the proudest ornament of the school, a 
 signed photograph of John L. Sullivan. For all 
 which reasons his clutch tightened as though he 
 were afraid the Tennessee Shad would slip away 
 through the transom. 
 
 " Oh, Shad, do you mean it? " he said at last. 
 
 " I m telling you." 
 
 [287] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " But how are you going to get them? " 
 
 " Of course, we ve got to raise a stiff purse," 
 said the Tennessee Shad as an opening wedge, 
 and then, observing the Gutter Pup thoughtfully 
 replacing the key in the lock, he added : " but 
 that s not what we came about." 
 
 "What then?" said the Gutter Pup, looking 
 at him long and critically. 
 
 " We want your advice as the leading sport 
 ing authority in the school, " said the Shad sol 
 emnly. " It s all a question of the referee. 
 Doc s for Butcher Stevens and I m for Turkey 
 Keiter; what do you think?" 
 
 "Why not me?" said the Gutter Pup in 
 stantly. 
 
 Macnooder looked profoundly at the bat 
 tling photograph of John L. reposing on the 
 American flag profoundly, with a concen 
 trated glare. The Tennessee Shad climbed to 
 his familiar roost on the back of the chair and 
 replied with embarrassed reluctance: 
 
 " Gutter Pup, I wish we could offer it to you. 
 You really know more about such things than 
 any of us. You re really it. I wouldn t hurt 
 your feelings for the world; that s why I want 
 
 [288] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OP THE FIRM 
 YOU to understand our reasons before we ask 
 anyone else." 
 
 " I don t see," began the Gutter Pup, cut to 
 the heart. 
 
 " Now, let me put the case before you. We ve 
 got to pony up a stiff purse. You know pro 
 fessionals and you understand. If we could 
 let the whole school in, why, we d have no trouble. 
 We can t. This thing s got to be pulled off with 
 terrific secrecy at midnight, down in the base 
 ball cage. At most, we can t let in more than 
 thirty or forty fellows. So the only way is to 
 give the prime jobs to the fellows who ll put up 
 for them. There you have it. Turkey and 
 Butcher will uncork like a flash at the chance. 
 Gee, who wouldn t? Do you see, Gutter Pup? 
 You ll understand, won t you? You won t take 
 it hard. We ll leave it all to you. Which one 
 Turkey or the Butcher? " 
 
 " I suppose you d want a stiff contribution," 
 said the Gutter Pup, his appetite in his eye. 
 
 " Pretty stiff," said the Shad with charming 
 frankness. 
 
 " I could put up a fiver." 
 
 " I m afraid that wouldn t do," said the Ten- 
 [289] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 nessee Shad sadly. " Don t think about it any 
 more. Besides, we ve got to have some bruiser 
 like Turkey to keep things in order." 
 
 " Shad," said the Gutter Pup, now almost 
 tearfully, " haven t I always kept things in order 
 at the Sporting Club? Now, look here: Tur 
 key s a mutt, and the Butcher well, you sim 
 ply can t invite a couple of real professionals un 
 less you give em a referee who knows the rules ; 
 you simply can t." 
 
 " But what are we going to do? " 
 
 " See here," said the Gutter Pup desperately. 
 " Make it eight ! I ll borrow another three some 
 where and somehow." 
 
 " We rather counted on more," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad doubtfully. " What do you say, 
 Doc? 
 
 " Pretty cheap, Shad. Think of the glory of 
 it!" 
 
 " I tell you how it might be done," said 
 the Tennessee Shad thoughtfully. " If we 
 could get someone to put up ten for timekeep 
 er " 
 
 "Leave that to me," exclaimed the Gutter 
 Pup, grasping at the straw. "I ve got just 
 
 [290] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 your man Goat Finney. His father s a bil 
 lionaire/ 
 
 " I wonder if the Triumphant Egghead would 
 put up five to be one of the seconds? " said the 
 Tennessee Shad. 
 
 " Let me see him ! " said the Gutter Pup en 
 thusiastically. " Give me the chance." 
 
 " Well, on these conditions I am willing/ said 
 the Tennessee Shad after sufficient deliberation. 
 " If you can raise more, why, do it. How about 
 it, Doc?" 
 
 " We always did want Gutter Pup to referee, 
 you know." 
 
 " Get at it quick," said the Tennessee Shad, 
 rising. 
 
 " You bet I will ! " 
 
 " Cash," said Macnooder warningly. " Paid 
 in five hours before the fight." 
 
 The Gutter Pup departed running. 
 
 At half-past ten that night, at the Tennessee 
 Shad s dictation, Doc Macnooder entered in the 
 joint account-book the following items : 
 
 Goat Finney, for holding the stopwatch. .$10.00 
 The Triumphant Egghead, for being per 
 mitted to rub down the Trenton Terror. 5.65 
 [291] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 Turkey Reiter, for being permitted to rub 
 down the Trenton Terror 5.00 
 
 The Beefsteak, for the privilege of spong 
 ing off Patsy, the Brute 3.75 
 
 Tough McCarthy, for the privilege of 
 
 sponging off Patsy, the Brute 3.00 
 
 Slush Randolph, for the right to supply 
 the sponges 2.50 
 
 Gutter Pup, for refereeing and procuring 
 the above officials 8.00 
 
 Under cover of these confidence-inspiring 
 names, Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad sold 
 their tickets rapidly without a hitch, no ques 
 tions asked. 
 
 At twelve o clock the next day Alcibiades 
 slipped the Tennessee Shad a note confirming 
 the arrangements and guaranteeing the arrival 
 of a local bruiser that night. 
 
 At seven o clock each official eagerly presented 
 himself in the Tennessee Shad s room and made 
 cash payments. Meanwhile, the subscribers for 
 reserved seats were receiving from Doc Mac 
 nooder, in exchange for two dollars, a green 
 
 ticket inscribed : 
 
 [292] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 RESERVED SEAT 
 
 Doc Macnooder and the Tennessee Shad Offer 
 THE TRENTON TERROR 
 
 vs. 
 
 PATSY THE BRUTE 
 
 For the Professional Feather-weight Champion 
 ship of Mercer County, in Fifteen 
 
 Slashing, Terrific Rounds 
 
 Under the Auspices of the Sporting Club 
 
 Present Ticket at 11 :45 at 
 
 Baseball Cage 
 
 |2.00 
 
 At ten o clock a supplementary issue of one- 
 dollar, general-admission tickets, open to all 
 comers and presentable at 12 :10, was eagerly 
 snatched up. 
 
 At half-past eleven the Tennessee Shad and 
 Doc Macnooder, armed with Legs BrownelPs 
 bullseye lantern, stole down by the pond to meet 
 Patsy the Brute and the Trenton Terror. They 
 found them side by side, amicably reclining un 
 der a tree, puffing vigorously on ill-smelling 
 cigars. Doc Macnooder turned the lantern on 
 the new arrival; the scrutiny was not favorable. 
 
 [293] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Are you a prize-fighter? " he said, discour 
 aged. 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 " You don t look it." 
 
 " I m a better man than this fellow/ 
 
 " Eemember, they re featherweights, Doc," 
 said the Shad. 
 
 " Well, give us the goods," said Macnooder. 
 " Fight like demons. We want fifteen slashing 
 rounds ! " 
 
 " All right, boss." 
 
 " You re the Trenton Terror." 
 
 " That suits me." 
 
 " And, Alcibiades, you re Patsy the Brute." 
 
 "That s fierce enough. Where s the coin?" 
 
 " You ll get that in the cage." 
 
 " No, you don t we get it now." 
 
 " Don t you trust us? " 
 
 " I d rather feel the coin." 
 
 The Tennessee Shad consulted with Macnoo 
 der, and Doc paid over thirty dollars and sta 
 tioned himself so as to command the retreat of 
 the Trenton Terror. On the stroke of twelve 
 they stole up to the cage and entered by the back, 
 
 [294] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 by means of three large boards prudently loos 
 ened for the occasion, to secure a retreat. 
 
 The ring was already roped off. Four dim 
 lanterns at the corners lighted up the white 
 sweaters and ratlike eyes of the silent, breath 
 less crowd. Above, a swallow or two, disturbed 
 by the unusual spectacle was frantically scurry 
 ing among the rafters. At moments the door 
 opened and a whispered recognition was heard. 
 
 Macnooder presented the combatants to the 
 Gutter Pup and sent them to their corners to 
 strip for action. 
 
 Murmurs of surprise began to rise from the 
 amateurs as the ribs and collar-bones of Patsy 
 the Brute appeared from under the red flannels. 
 
 " Gee, he s thinner than the Shad! " 
 
 " He s wasted away." 
 
 " I don t bet on that guy." 
 
 " He must be awfully scientific." 
 
 " His blows wouldn t annoy a fly." 
 
 " Me for the Trenton Terror." 
 
 But at this moment the upper anatomy of the 
 visitor was disclosed. 
 
 ;i Lord, he s thinner still ! " 
 
 [295] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 " I can look right through him." 
 " He looks more like a professor of chemistry. " 
 " How many ribs can you count? " 
 "Featherweight? Paperweight, you mean!" 
 The Tennessee Shad, prepared for such criti 
 cism, advanced swiftly to the middle of the ring 
 and help up his hand. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, before opening the 
 festivities to-night I desire to say a few words in 
 explanation. We are placing before you to 
 night, at much expense and great personal dan 
 ger, one of the most unique, I may say the most 
 unique, bona-fidej high-class professional exhibi 
 tion in the history of the school. I will say, for 
 the benefit of a few experts on baby carriages 
 and tiddledywinks who seem to be unusually 
 vociferous to-night, that these gentlemen are not 
 bloated middleweights. They are featherweights ; 
 each men is trained to the second; there is not 
 an ounce of superfluous flesh on their bones. 
 Each man is a streak of lightning, with muscles 
 like whipcords, skilled in every trick and artifice 
 of the game. We have tried to put before you 
 not a lumbering exhibition of fatty degenera 
 tion, but a sizzling, rearing, tearing spectacle of 
 [296] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 fast, furious and sanguinary fighting. Are there 
 any criticisms of the management? " 
 
 There were none. 
 
 Macnooder arose and made a sign to the sec 
 onds, and the contestants lumbered forward, 
 Alcibiades girt with the school colors, his an 
 tagonist decorated about the waist with a blue- 
 and-white pennant loaned by the Duke of Bilge- 
 water. 
 
 " The contestants to-night," continued Mac 
 nooder in singsong, " are, on my right, Patsy the 
 Brute, who will uphold the red and black; on 
 my left, the Trenton Terror. Both men have 
 ferocious reputations. In explanation I would 
 say, in confidence, that Patsy s retirement from 
 the professional ring was simply due to his hav 
 ing accidentally killed a man by a terrific wallop 
 on the solar plexus, an accident which he pro 
 foundly regrets. The contestants are old ene 
 mies, they have already met three times in three 
 bruising contests, and they do not want to con 
 ceal that this is a fight for blood ! At their per 
 sonal request the rules will be stretched so as to 
 permit of the most deadly slaughter. The pres 
 ence of our well-known sporting authority, the 
 
 [297] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 Gutter Pup, as referee, will, however, be a guar 
 anty that this fight, though slashing, will be ab 
 solutely square and aboveboard! Bounds, 
 three minutes each one minute interim. 
 Everyone be seated ! " 
 
 The Gutter Pup whispered a moment to the 
 contestants and then sprang back, crying: 
 
 " Time." 
 
 The Trenton Terror and Patsy the Brute 
 stood confronting each other, visibly embar 
 rassed. 
 
 " Make em shake hands, Gutter Pup/ said the 
 Tennessee Shad quickly. 
 
 " Did you see that? " said Doc Macnooder, on 
 the other side. "They didn t want to shake 
 hands. Gee, but they ve got it in for each other." 
 
 The first round was not exactly thrilling. 
 
 " The light and the ground bother ? em," said 
 Macnooder. " Just wait till they get their bear 
 ings." 
 
 " Funniest style I ever saw." 
 
 " Why, they hold their fists down by their 
 knees." 
 
 " Featherweights always have styles of their 
 own." 
 
 [298] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 46 Don t see how they can strike from there." 
 
 " They re quicker than others. You ll see all 
 right." 
 
 Round number two passed like the first. 
 
 u When are they going to begin?" said a 
 voice. 
 
 " Push em together." 
 
 " Tie em together." 
 
 " They re sizing each other up," said Macnoo- 
 der loudly ; " planning out the campaign." 
 
 In round three their gloves met twice. 
 
 " Each is afraid of the other s wallop," said 
 Macnooder more loudly. " One blow ll decide it. 
 Great foot-work, wasn t it? " 
 
 Suddenly in round four, just as a few polite 
 blows had been struck, a hoarse voice at the 
 back whispered : 
 
 "Cheese it!" 
 
 Instantly the cage was plunged in darkness, 
 while a confused murmur rose. 
 
 " It s the Doctor." 
 
 " We re trapped." 
 
 "We ll all be fired I" 
 
 " Let s get out." 
 
 "Silence!" 
 
 [299] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Shut up, everyone. The Shad s gone to rec- 
 onnoiter," 
 
 Presently the Shad s voice was heard : 
 
 " Light up, there isn t a mouse stirring." 
 
 The lanterns flickered up again. 
 
 " Who yelled < Cheese it ? " said Turkey 
 angrily. 
 
 Everyone stood up and looked about. 
 
 " If anyone s afraid he can get out now quick," 
 said the Gutter Pup. " We don t want to cheat 
 the cradle." 
 
 Strangely enough no one availed himself of 
 the opportunity. 
 
 Bound four being resumed ended with the pro 
 fessionals clinched desperately. Then another 
 delay arose. The contestants refused to fight 
 unless the hat was passed for additional contri 
 butions. Macnooder calmed the angry crowd by 
 explaining that the ground was so rough and the 
 light so bad that the Trenton Terror was really 
 running the risk of twisting his ankle. The hat 
 showing only five dollars and twenty cents, the 
 management was forced to add five dollars more 
 before the fighters consented to go on. Macnoo 
 der having taken the precaution to hold up the 
 
 [300] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 bonus until one good round had been fought, the 
 hopes of the whole company were raised by a 
 few resounding thumps, accompanied by a great 
 amount of rancin about the ring. 
 
 Toward the end of round seven, again the 
 sepulchral voice was heard. 
 
 "Hi! Cheese it!" 
 
 Again every light was doused, while everyone 
 waited with calculated breath. Again the Ten 
 nessee Shad slipped out by the back, reconnoi- 
 tered and angrily returned. This time every 
 one, slightly unnerved, made a determined search 
 for the alarmist, accompanied by such inviting 
 requests to show himself that it was no wonder 
 the search was unproductive. They returned 
 to the ring. 
 
 " This is getting on my nerves," said Goat 
 Finney, blowing on his fingers. 
 
 " Wish the deuce it was over." 
 
 " The Doctor ll be sure to hear of it." 
 
 " Course he will." 
 
 " He always does." 
 
 " Why don t they hurry up? " 
 
 The next round, as the result of another 
 strike, the hat was passed again. In round nine 
 
 [301] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 another alarm arose with another fruitless 
 search for the disturber. By this time the feel 
 ing of panic was becoming epidemic. 
 
 At the end of round ten an angry consultation 
 took place in the middle of the ring. The Tren 
 ton Terror positively refused to continue unless 
 the stakes were increased. Macnooder addressed 
 the turbulent meeting: 
 
 " Say, fellows, a word, one word, please. This 
 is the situation. This fight is illegal. You 
 don t realize that. If the police get the tip we 
 might be jugged for a year. These continued 
 fake scares are getting on the nerves of these 
 gentlemen, naturally. They re the ones who re 
 taking the risk and they feel they ought to be 
 paid more for it. Now I ll leave it to you. 
 Shall we pass the hat again or call it off now? " 
 
 At once a discussion broke out. 
 
 "No, no!" 
 
 " We want our money s worth." 
 
 " Do you call this a fight? " 
 
 " Gee, I ve had enough." 
 
 " Call it off." 
 
 " Nothing of the sort." 
 
 " Go on." 
 
 [302] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " No baby act." 
 
 Pass the hat." 
 
 The mysterious possibility of prison gave a 
 thrill to the imagination that lifted the tame 
 contest into the realm of the heroic. The Gut 
 ter Pup passed the hat. 
 
 Meanwhile, the Tennessee Shad and Macnooder 
 were solemnly consulting. 
 
 " Gee, Doc, if this goes on another five min 
 utes where ll our profits be? " 
 
 " I know it." 
 
 " Each time it hits us harder." 
 
 " Well, what are you going to do about it? " 
 
 " Lord, if the Doctor would only come, Mac 
 nooder," said the Tennessee Shad in a solemn 
 whisper, " he must come ! " 
 
 The pair exchanged a deep, silent glance of 
 comprehension. The Tennessee Shad smiled 
 and disappeared carefully in the direction of the 
 safety exit. 
 
 The collection was announced at three dollars 
 and sixty cents. Public opinion forced from the 
 ruthful Macnooder the disbursement of a suf 
 ficient sum to make up the stipulated ten dol 
 lars. Bound eleven began with threats from all 
 
 [303] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 quarters directed against the management and 
 the fighters. 
 
 Suddenly,, outside, the gravel crunched under 
 a firm tread and three startling knocks fell on 
 the door. Everywhere the whisper went up : 
 
 "The Doctor!" 
 
 " Police !" 
 
 " Douse the lights ! " 
 
 " Through the back, you chumps." 
 
 " Hurry ! " 
 
 In less than a minute, amid a scurrying of 
 frantic figures racing for the woods, the last 
 vestige of the furious and terrific professional 
 prize-fight had vanished. 
 
 The next afternoon, ensconced in the jigger 
 shop, Turkey Eeiter, the Gutter Pup and the 
 Triumphant Egghead considered the reckoning 
 of the night before. 
 
 " I m out ten plunks," said the Egghead. " I 
 got reckless when they passed the hat. How did 
 you make out? " 
 
 " I d hate to tell," said the Gutter Pup. 
 
 " Funny the Doctor didn t refer to it in 
 chapel." 
 
 [304] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Say, tliat was queer." 
 
 " What was the fight like? " said Al, who had 
 listened. 
 
 " Frightful," said Turkey Reiter ; " there was 
 bad blood between them ! " 
 
 " How long did it go? " 
 
 " Ten slashing rounds." 
 
 At this moment the Triumphant Egghead, 
 looking out the window, exclaimed: 
 
 "Hello!" 
 
 " What s the matter? 
 
 "There they are! " 
 
 On the opposite sidewalk Alcibiades and the 
 Trenton Terror were sauntering affably to 
 gether. 
 
 " Is that what you call Patsy the Brute and 
 the Trenton Terror? " said Al dreamily. 
 
 " Sure." 
 
 " W T as this one of the Tennessee Shad s little 
 parties?" 
 
 " Why, yes." 
 
 "Doc Macnooder, too? " 
 
 " Yes, he was in it." 
 
 " Hem," said Al thoughtfully ; " I see where 
 two back accounts get paid up." 
 [305] 
 
THE TENNESSEE SHAD 
 
 " Al," cried the Gutter Pup, " what do you 
 know? Do you know those fellows?" 
 
 "The Finnigan brothers? Rather used to 
 steal watermelons together." 
 
 " Brothers ! " said the Gutter Pup with a gasp. 
 
 "Brothers!" said the Triumphant Egghead. 
 
 " Brothers! " said Turkey Keiter. 
 
 " But, Al, they are prize-fighters, now, aren t 
 they? " said the Gutter Pup desperately. 
 
 " Well, they have done a good deal of boxing," 
 said Al, polishing the faucets. 
 
 " Ah, they have done that? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, down at Katzenbach s grocery. 
 They used to box lemons." 
 
 The Gutter Pup, Turkey Eeiter, Goat Finney, 
 the Beefsteak and the Triumphant Egghead, 
 sat on the steps of the Esplanade nursing their 
 feelings and their pocketbooks. Boys with 
 tongues in their cheeks looked at them as they 
 passed, and snickered at a good safe distance. 
 Others shouted to them, joyful insulting gibes. 
 
 Presently the Tennessee Shad and Doc Mac- 
 nooder loped up in a friendly manner and stood 
 looking down at them. 
 
 [306] 
 
LAST HISTORIC EXPLOIT OF THE FIRM 
 
 " Hello, Turkey ! " said the Shad hopefully. 
 
 Turkey s gaze remained set. 
 
 "Hello, Lovely !" 
 
 Lovely drew a breath and looked down. 
 
 " Aren t you going to say howdy ? " pleaded 
 the Tennessee Shad, " Egghead Gutter Pup 
 oh, Gutter Pup?" 
 
 The Gutter Pup s lips moved and set again, 
 while Macnooder was observed departing on tip 
 toes. 
 
 " I suppose you re sore on me," said the Ten 
 nessee Shad sadly. " Well, I don t blame you. 
 I ll never forgive myself never ! " 
 
 He sat down opposite, took a handful of stones, 
 juggled them in the air, sighed and fell into their 
 silence. 
 
 All at once he brightened, looked up and said : 
 
 " Say, fellows, I ve got an idea ! " 
 
 Then they surged up and fell upon him. 
 
 " Macnooder ! Doc, help there ; stand by me. 
 Ouch ! " 
 
 But Macnooder, purely the spirit of commerce, 
 scudding for the west, called back, " Sorry, Shad 
 can t do it ; the firm s dissolved ! " 
 
 [307T 
 
S BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE 
 STAMPED BELOW 
 
 AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS 
 
 WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN 
 THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY 
 WILL INCREASE TO SO CENTS ON THE FOURTH 
 DAY AND TO $t.OO ON THE SEVENTH DAY 
 OVERDUE. 
 
 JAN 10 1944 
 
 O L.L) 
 
 JUN 17 IMS 
 
 8 1957 
 
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UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY