e./f 
 
TO PANAMA 
 AND BACK 
 
 THE RECORD OF AN EXPERIENCE 
 
 HENRY T. BYFORD, M. D. 
 
 W. B. CONKEY COMPANY 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
I 
 
 il 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1908, 
 
 BY 
 HENRY T. BYFORD, M. D. 
 
: 
 
 DEDICATED 
 
 to the 
 
 Panama Canal Commissioners, 
 
 who invited the President of the United States 
 
 to run down and see them dig the Canal 
 
 while he waited; 
 
 and to the President, 
 /-* 
 
 who went to the Canal and found them asleep, 
 
 and didn't wait until it was dug. 
 
 o 
 
TABLE OF CONTENTS 
 PART I 
 
 C=TE E TO PANAMA 
 
 I CHICAGO TO NEW ORLEANS PRINCIPALLY CHI- 
 CAGO 11 
 
 II GETTING OFF 23 
 
 III AT SEA 29 
 
 IV PORT LIMON 48 
 
 V COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 64 
 
 VI PANAMA 87 
 
 VII AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 100 
 
 VIII FOR DOCTORS ONLY 125 
 
 IX A SIESTA AND SUCH 136 
 
 X ABOUT TOWN 151 
 
 XI TOWN TOPICS 169 
 
 XII THE PAST AND THE PRESENT PANAMA 176 
 
 XIII NEW YEAR'S DAY AND THE SABANAS 184 
 
 XIV THE BULL-FIGHT.. 192 
 
 PART II 
 
 THE FOURTH PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 I THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 207 
 
 II BREAKFAST AND DINNER ON THE SAME DAY .... 220 
 
 III PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 230 
 
 IV CONGRESS REDIVIVUS 241 
 
 V To SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE Us 251 
 
 PART III 
 BACK 
 
 I ACCOMMODATIONS AT CoL6N 265 
 
 II SUNDAY AT COLON 273 
 
 III AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 292 
 
 IV FROM BAD TO WORSE 309 
 
 V THE DIDACTICS OF SEASICKNESS 327 
 
 VI THE LAST DAY AT SEA AND THE FIRST ON LAND 335 
 
 VII TRAVELING NORTH BY WAY OF THE SOUTH 356 
 
 VIII DID You HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP? 375 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 MAP OP PANAMA 4 
 
 PANAMA FLAG 10 
 
 HUTS ON LINE OF PANAMA ROAD 82 
 
 ABANDONED MACHINERY OF THE FRENCH 84 
 
 ALONG PANAMA RAILROAD 86 
 
 IN PANAMA CITY 90 
 
 THE CATHEDRAL OF PANAMA AND CORNER OF THE PARK 92 
 
 OCEAN FRONT AT PANAMA 162 
 
 RUINS OF SANTO DOMINGO CHURCH 172 
 
 RUINED TOWER OF OLD PANAMA 178 
 
 CLUB HOUSE ON THE SABANAS 222 
 
 THE CONGRESS WAITING FOR LUNCH 224 
 
 TABOGA ISLAND 232 
 
 SQUARE IN CoL6N 266 
 
 WASHINGTON HOTEL, STREET FRONT, CoL6N 268 
 
 PATH LEADING ACROSS THE LAWN FROM WASHINGTON 
 
 HOTEL TO THE BEACH 270 
 
 CHRIST CHURCH AT CoL6N, SEEN FROM A CORNER OF 
 
 THE HOTEL 274 
 
 DE LESSEES PALACE AT CHRISTOBAL 276 
 
 MONUMENT TO COLUMBUS, CHRISTOBAL 278 
 
 COMBINATION STORE AND RESIDENCE AT BOCAS -DEL 
 
 TORO 288 
 
 A BUNCH OF BANANAS 296 
 
 TOUCAN, OR PREACHER BIRD 304 
 
FOREWORD 
 
 When I made up my mind to go to Panama, I 
 could find no guide book. I had to depend for in- 
 formation upon the advertising matter of the United 
 Fruit Company, and upon the experience of a friend 
 who had spent a few days there on business and who 
 had seen nothing but swamps, rusty machinery, poly- 
 glot politicians and gesticulating foreigners. I had 
 no conception of what I was coming to, and had to 
 be content with the reflection that he who has no 
 books must learn by experience. On the other hand, 
 it occurred to me that by recording the main facts 
 and mental impressions of my trip, I might take the 
 reader with me in spirit and impart to him such knowl- 
 edge as would be of use to him if he went there, and 
 of interest if he stayed at home, for he who has no 
 experience must learn from books. 
 
 As a physician attending the Pan-American Med- 
 ical Congress, I felt that I was not competent to give 
 the accurate general information sometimes found in 
 guide books, and that I should be more concerned 
 with climate and disease than the average writer; but 
 on the other hand I hoped that, since my viewpoint 
 would differ somewhat from that of the general run 
 of writers, my impressions might not be unworthy of 
 
 7 
 
g FOREWORD 
 
 record, and might contribute in their way to a better 
 understanding of the country and its customs. 
 
 Some readers will think that the book is too full 
 of appetizers and nightcaps, of diet and donnerwet- 
 ter, and they will be right. But this is so because the 
 narrative is honest and describes what was seen and 
 felt instead of what ought to have been, or might have 
 been, seen and felt. The busy majority care more 
 about what was than what ought to have been. What 
 was is truth; what ought to have been is fiction, and 
 the worst kind. 
 
 Many readers will conclude to wait until the Unit- 
 ed States has finished the reconstruction of the cli- 
 mate and country before going there, and will agree 
 with me in saying that traveling in the tropics, like 
 eating and sleeping, should be done at home. Indeed, 
 the absurdity of the notion that it is necessary to leave 
 home in order to study a guide book, should be taught 
 to our travel-stricken public. Quarantine, yellow 
 fever, yellow jaundice, black water fever, white swell- 
 ing, elephantiasis, ague, anemia, neurasthenia, berri- 
 berri, leprosy, dengue, dropsy, dysentery, drinking 
 habits, and dozens of other dread diseases and denoue- 
 ments lie in wait in the tropics. The romance of these 
 things does not consist in exposing oneself to them, 
 but in letting others do it, and of reading about it af- 
 terward. 
 
PART I 
 
 TO PANAMA 
 
PANAMA FLAG 
 
PART I 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Chicago to New Orleans Principally Chicago 
 
 Chicago as a Starting Point and Business Center for Panama 
 How Food is Manufactured Chicago Modesty 
 Report of the Commercial Club's Commission Chicago 
 the Center of Culture The Illinois Central Southern 
 Surgical and Gynecological Society at Birmingham, the 
 Mushroom City The Banquet -Southern Hospitality 
 and Wit Extracts from Letter Home Insurance 
 Against Railway Accidents The North Versus the 
 South Unveiling of a Statue The Hahnemann Statue 
 at Washington New Orleans Loss of Valuables Over 
 Charge at Hotel A Machine-made Clerk An Original 
 Waiter Southern Service Southern Hospitality and 
 Conviviality The Beer Cure Old English Standard 
 Comforting Reflection. 
 
 Those who wish to go to Panama should start from 
 Chicago, which is the most direct route to Panama. 
 In order to get there all one has to do is to go south ; 
 to return all one has to do is to come north. Chicago 
 is at one end, Panama at the other. 
 
 But Chicago is not only the natural starting place 
 for Panama, it is the natural business center of the 
 Panama Canal. Chicago sent a Chicago man to build 
 
 xx 
 
12 TO PANAMA 
 
 the canal, another Chicago man to boss it, others to 
 plan it and others to provision it; and when the time 
 comes will be ready with schemes to run it. Chicago 
 believes that the canal must be constructed and con- 
 ducted on a dual plan, the interoceanic and the ali- 
 mentary one for water and one for food. And she 
 not only has the courage of her convictions, but the 
 ability to assert them. 
 
 Unjust reflections have been cast upon the food 
 which Chicago kills, cures and puts up in cans for the 
 canal, and a word of explanation is necessary. It has 
 been intimated that packing-house boys and butchers 
 sometimes lose their footing and disappear so quickly 
 that they can not be recovered or recognized, or even 
 indicated on the labels. But these facts lack confirma- 
 tion and the packers deny them. They are things of 
 the past. Indeed, it was a Chicago man who demon- 
 strated to Congress that the food from all parts 
 of the country was fit neither for us nor for Pan- 
 ama. Thanks to his demonstrativeness, every- 
 body now knows that until then pepper berries were 
 made of tapioca kernels colored with lamp black ; that 
 preserved cherries were bleached with acid, colored 
 with poisonous aniline, and used to contaminate the 
 cocktails of our fathers and dye the hair and habits 
 of our mothers ; that the honey of our childhood was 
 made of dead bees embalmed in sulphurous glucose; 
 that Arabian coffee came from Brazil, and Italian 
 olive oil from Mississippi cotton fields; that fancy 
 liquors were made of ethyl alcohol and a chemical 
 filler; and that breakfast foods were underweight in 
 
CHICAGO TO NEW ORLEANS 13 
 
 the package and overweight in the stomach. We now 
 know that there was neither a sneeze in the peppers 
 nor a stomach ache in the berries, and that the only 
 genuine full weight articles were the tin cans and 
 pasteboard boxes. We have learned that lamp black, 
 mineral acids, sulphite of soda, coal tar and other 
 embalmatives were used in the manufacture of our 
 popular delicatessen, that the manufacturers bought 
 them at forty dollars per ton in five-ton lots, and that 
 the United States supports from five to fifty times as 
 many doctors per capita as other countries do. All 
 this has become history, and a Chicago man made it. 
 
 And now that Chicago has built her own canal, she 
 is ready to give Uncle Sam the benefit of her unique 
 experience. She has made water flow uphill once, and 
 is ready to do it again. Chicago is always ready. She 
 was ready with Wallace and Shonts. When Bigelow 
 tried to paint the White House red, she was ready with 
 Stevens. But what was the use? Her ways and the 
 ways of Congress were different. Congress and the 
 people who trust Congress have been bent upon finding 
 fault and raising difficulties. Canal dirt and critical dif- 
 ficulties have been raised in equal quantities, but not 
 with equal facility. Well-meaning foreigners, who 
 work for the future and live in the past, advised a 
 sea-level canal, knowing that Americans are good at 
 making money and dirt fly, and that Chicago could 
 use the dirt to fill up Lake Michigan. Chicago has 
 known better all the time. The obviating of difficul- 
 ties and doubts is a Chicago idea. But Chicago is 
 not as yet appreciated; she must make herself heard. 
 
i4 TO PANAMA 
 
 However, she has the modesty of youth, and can 
 wait. She who talks last, talks best. In the mean- 
 time she is deepening her own canal, and will soon 
 have navigable water between Chicago and Panama, 
 and the world is bound to know it. Her motto is, 
 Know Thyself ! and she lives up to it. 
 
 The following resume of the report of the Com- 
 mercial Club's Panama commission appeared about 
 a year ago in the Chicago Tribune : 
 
 "The sanitary condition in the canal belt is perfect. 
 The house sanitation is above criticism. 
 
 "The work of building the canal is progressing with 
 rapidity. 
 
 "The labor is efficient, loyal and plentiful. 
 
 "The esprit de corps of the whole force under Engi- 
 neer Stevens was characterized as 'superb.' 
 
 "Organization of the working force is without a 
 flaw. 
 
 "All the climatic dangers have been eliminated by 
 the work of Dr. Gorgas, the sanitary expert. 
 
 "Panama has been transformed into as healthful a 
 place to live as any of the Southern states. 
 
 "The equipment for digging the canal is of the 
 highest type. 
 
 "The only criticism made by the various members 
 of the commission may be summed up as follows : 
 
 "There is need for more schools. 
 
 "There is need for more amusement for the work- 
 ing force. 
 
 "Too much of the food served to the diggers is 
 csined. Not enough fresh vegetables are served. 
 
CHICAGO To NEW ORLEANS 15 
 
 "Although these were the only criticisms heard, the 
 members of the commission were not unanimous. 
 Several held the belief that the food supply could not 
 be improved. It was pointed out that the govern- 
 ment is erecting schools rapidly and that there is now 
 under construction several Y. M. C. A. buildings, 
 which will afford the needed recreation." 
 
 If that was so under Engineer Stevens, it is too 
 bad he did not stay down there to keep it so. I hope 
 that the Commercial Club commission were not mere 
 optimists; that they did not mistake entertainments 
 for attainments ; that the equatorial sun did not dazzle 
 their Northern eyes; that nature is not deceiving us 
 by a temporary show. The canal work needs Chicago 
 eyes. 
 
 Chicago is already recognized as the center of cul- 
 ture of the United States. Fredr. P. Fish, of the 
 Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a Boston 
 man, said at a banquet in Chicago: 
 
 "Chicago is on the culture center 
 
 For all time the Middle West as represented by Chi- 
 cago will remain the center. We must graft the 
 Western point of view on our Eastern ideas if we are 
 to progress." Surely a wise man and a prophet has 
 come out of the East. 
 
 As Chicago is "the culture center" of the United 
 States, the part she played at the last meeting of the 
 Pan-American Medical Congress is not without sig- 
 nificance. She sent the largest number of delegates of 
 any city or nation and, if we may believe the evidence 
 of their senses, ran the Congress. If she chooses she 
 
t6 TO PANAMA 
 
 can organize a Pan-American Medical Congress all by 
 herself that will run itself. She can furnish all of the 
 scientific essays and discussions, the banquets and the 
 banqueters, the reputation and the reverberation and, 
 if necessary, the attendance and the talking. 
 
 However, to come back to where we started from, 
 the Illinois Central, -it was that Chicago railway which 
 provided the chief engineer who cut the red tape and 
 started a revolution in methods. He cut the Gordian 
 knot by cutting the whole business. The Illinois Cen- 
 tral was, of course, the best railway for me to take 
 for my trip to Panama, but as I was to attend the 
 Southern Surgical and Gynecological Association on 
 my way, my Chicago modesty suggested the patronage 
 of a Southern railway, which to my surprise gave me 
 as good a ride as the Illinois Central gives. The only 
 fault I found with it was that its express trains were 
 too accommodating. 
 
 FOR DOCTORS ONLY. 
 
 The association met at the interesting and mush- 
 room-growing, mining and manufacturing center, 
 Birmingham, Ala., the "New City of the New South," 
 where men and money are said to make each other 
 doing it by modern methods, and in large quantities. 
 In this Chicago of the South I hoped to get some 
 pointers on medical, surgical and social customs and 
 curatives appropriate to Southern climates, prepara- 
 tory to trusting myself in the deadly tropics, where 
 water is laden with germs, the air full of infection and 
 meat is spoiled before it is fit to eat. 
 
CHICAGO TO NEW ORLEANS 17 
 
 And I was not disappointed in my expectations, for 
 the profession of Birmingham, in return for the heavy 
 feast of science afforded by the visitors, gave us a ban- 
 quet which put our Northern idealizations and realiza- 
 tions to shame. It was celebrated in the immense 
 square banquet hall of Hotel Hillman. The tables were 
 placed around the room near the walls, leaving a 
 square space in the center about forty feet in diameter 
 decorated to represent the Vale of Cashmere. This 
 space was adorned with immense prostrate mirrors for 
 water, a profusion of tubs of tropical plants for islands, 
 electric flashlights above for twinkling stars, and the 
 expansive toastmaster's face at one side to repre- 
 sent the rising full moon. The flowers and lights 
 and reflections in the central space, bordered by the 
 ornate and sumptuously provisioned tables, constituted 
 one of the most beautiful and intoxicating sights and 
 experiences of the kind I had ever seen and partaken 
 of, and led to the most exuberant five hours' flow of 
 wit and humor of which I have any personal knowl- 
 edge. 
 
 The toastmaster was a physician who had developed 
 into a politician and post-prandial celebrity, and who 
 made witty speeches enough to render the occasion 
 memorable, even if no one had responded to his toasts. 
 He infused his political inversion and irresponsibil- 
 ity of speech into the minds of those upon whom he 
 called, so that the most solemn and scientific of our 
 Northern laboratory plodders and surgical experts 
 mixed the most unexpected and absurd exaggeration 
 into their carefully prepared scientific and soporific 
 
1 8 TO PANAMA 
 
 remarks. They forgot to be instructive and became en- 
 tertaining. 
 
 Even the Irish were outclassed. Hereafter I shall 
 always speak of our Southern wit and humor as the 
 most spontaneous and exuberant in the world. The 
 North is witty because it is partly Irish, the South is 
 wittier because it is entirely American. 
 
 FOR WOMEN ONLY. 
 Extract from Letter Home. 
 
 Wednesday, Dec. 13, 1904. 
 MY DEAR : 
 
 The scientific exercises have just concluded and 
 before dressing for the banquet I will make use of the 
 few moments between the diurnal reading and the 
 nocturnal eating of articles, to inform you that you 
 have lost five thousand dollars. Whenever I have 
 insured my life before trusting my fate to the reckless 
 railway management which this country cultivates, 
 and which costs from one to two lives a day in demon- 
 strating how two trains can occupy the same space 
 at the same time, I have found that my life has been 
 spared and my estate has lost the six thousand dollars 
 of insurance money for which I had contracted and 
 paid. I have survived so often that I am beginning to 
 have faith in the insuring method as a life preserver. 
 I know of nothing else that has protected me from the 
 ax of those public executioners facetiously called rail- 
 ways. If the government would only give attention to 
 the regulation of railway accidents as it does to the 
 regulation of railway rates, some good might be done. 
 Railway rates are simply ruinous ; railway recklessness 
 is simply regretable. 
 
 I am well, excepting a stiffness and soreness in my 
 left ankle, which reminds me that I got away just in 
 
CHICAGO TO NEW ORLEANS 19 
 
 time from the frozen North, where people eat and 
 freeze too much and get rheumatism and appendicitis, 
 to visit the Sunny South, where people eat and drink 
 too much and get rheumatism and appendicitis. In 
 the North we think that the cold makes us healthy and 
 hardy, while in the south people think that appetizers 
 and night-caps keep them healthy and happy. And I 
 am temporarily inclined to think that the Southerners 
 must be half right, for my ankle is getting better al- 
 ready. 
 
 After a most interesting session devoted to the dis- 
 cussion of obscure and difficult scientific facts and 
 fancies, the society adjourned to the public park to 
 unveil the statue of the late Wm. Elias Davis, the 
 eminent Birmingham surgeon who founded the 
 Southern Surgical and Gynecological Association. It 
 is the second statue that has been erected to a private 
 individual in Alabama, and is also about the second 
 attempt of the kind by our profession in the United 
 States, the statue of the signer of the Declaration of 
 Independence, Dr. Benjamin Rush, at Washington 
 being the first. There is also at Washington a statue 
 of Hahnemann, the originator of the once popular 
 fad, homeopathy, placed there by a few fad fellows 
 before they faded out. 
 
 But it is growing dark and the band is playing and 
 the festivities are about to begin. We must eat and 
 drink and get merry, which is the lot of the living. 
 
 FOR CHILDREN ONLY. 
 Extract from Letter Home. 
 NEW ORLEANS, Saturday, Dec. 17, 1904. 
 
 Here I am in "Ne Awleens," where Creoles and 
 crocodiles grow. At least, here is all that is left of 
 me. Umbrella, railroad ticket, handkerchief, necktie 
 fastener, appetite, digestion, etc., were lost on the way. 
 
20 TO PANAMA 
 
 My valise was carried away in my car, which was 
 quietly detached from the train at Montgomery while 
 I was walking about the station hunting for my appe- 
 tite. However, I inquired and ran about and caught 
 the runaway car and recovered my bag and my appe- 
 tite, but not my umbrella. An honest umbrella does 
 not exist. Who remembers ever having had a lost 
 one come back, or a found one go back? My return 
 ticket was taken up by the conductor at bedtime but 
 was not returned to me in the morning when I arrived 
 in Birmingham. It was discovered on the floor in 
 the train, and left at the ticket office at New Orleans 
 by a stranger. New Orleans has one more hon- 
 est man than our other large cities, which are dis- 
 eased spots on the earth's surface, where human para- 
 sites predominate. 
 
 However, the railway officials are not the only 
 absent-minded men in the South. The hotel clerk at 
 Birmingham charged me for four days instead of two. 
 I should merely have considered the hotel a high- 
 priced one had not a friend told me that he had been 
 charged for three days instead of two. But after 
 being corrected, my bill was as much too small as at 
 first it was too large. The clerk was made in Bir- 
 mingham where everything is done by machinery. To 
 get the best service it was necessary to know how to 
 run him. He was one of those original characters who 
 do everything differently and indifferently. 
 
 When I went to breakfast the morning after the 
 banquet, I ordered nothing but coffee and rolls. The 
 negro waiter, who was another original, evidently 
 had also been up late the night before, for when I 
 gave my order he gaped frightfully, and I dodged. 
 He filled it (not his mouth) correctly, but took it to 
 a fat man at the next table, who had ordered a real 
 American breakfast and who scorned to accept mere 
 coffee and rolls, although he looked as if he needed 
 
CHICAGO TO NEW ORLEANS 21 
 
 much less breakfast than I did. I then ordered a 
 glass of water without any ice in it, and this was also 
 taken to the large gentleman, who was an ice drinker 
 and refused it. When I had drunk my coffee, glanced 
 at my rolls and paid my bill, my change also went to 
 the stranger; but it also was not enough for him. If 
 I had ordered a large breakfast and had thus made 
 the waiter work, or if I had carried a pistol within 
 sight, he would probably have brought things to me 
 when he forgot to whom they belonged. He bore me 
 no ill-will, however. He was a good waiter, as are 
 all Southern waiters, if only one knows how to keep 
 them awake and interested, and excuse mistakes. I 
 think we will have to send some of our colored wait- 
 ers from the North down there. 
 
 The Southerners are, however, far ahead of us in 
 hospitality, and it is in keeping with this virtue that 
 they drink too often. I do not think that they drink 
 for the sake of drinking, as often as do many of our 
 Northern indulgers, nor do they often drink to get 
 drunk. They drink to be hospitable and encourage 
 one another and whet their appetite. Whether they 
 are thus socially farther advanced than we, and we 
 will follow them, or whether the comparatively large 
 percentage of abstainers in the North is an advance, 
 and they will follow us, is a conundrum. I suppose 
 that they really drink out of conservatism. To ab- 
 stain would be too radical a change. If liquor could 
 have been emancipated with the slaves and sent over 
 the border to Canada, where they use it to warm their 
 toes and melt their tongues, it would have been better 
 for the South and for us. Perhaps the increase in 
 the consumption of beer in the United States may be- 
 come our salvation. It means less alcohol and less 
 drunkenness, more gemutlichkeit and less strenuous 
 conviviality, more hobnob livers and fewer concrete 
 kidneys. 
 
22 TO PANAMA 
 
 There is hope, however, for Southerner and North- 
 erner and Canadian if we may credit an observation 
 of Sydney Smith, made in England a hundred years 
 ago. While speaking of the improvements he had ob- 
 served during his lifetime he said: 
 
 "I forgot to add . . . that even in the best 
 society one third of the gentlemen at least were always 
 drunk." 
 
 The following quotation of Edward Eggleston is 
 taken from an editorial in American Medicine, Janu- 
 ary 27, 1906: 
 
 "It was estimated early in the eighteenth century 
 that about one building in every ten in Philadelphia 
 was used in some way for the sale of rum, and in 
 Massachusetts, Governor Belcher was afraid that the 
 colony would 'be deluged with spirituous liquors/ " 
 
 How comforting for us to know that our ancestors, 
 from a temperance standpoint, were worse than we 
 are, and that our children in the natural course of 
 events will be better than we are. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 Getting Off 
 
 The United Fruit Company's Ships Delay Brushing up 
 in Spanish Getting off The Musical Engineer Spil- 
 ling Soup Threatened Arson A Resolve Never to Take 
 Too Much Liquor Again The Pilot Four Miles in Two 
 Hours The Captain's Wink Chicago as a Joke The 
 Jetty Unexhilarating Speed The Zigzag Habit. 
 
 From New Orleans the United Fruit Company sends 
 a steamer every week to Colon and Bocas del Toro, in 
 Panama, and one to Port Limon, in Costa Rica. Most 
 of the boats are small and better adapted to the ac- 
 commodation and comfort of bananas than of human 
 beings. However, those who are poor sailors can, 
 by arranging dates and taking one of the large (?) 
 ships, get to Panama almost as comfortably as from 
 New York, and in a little over half the time. If one 
 is a good equilibrist and loves solitude, there is even 
 an advantage in taking one of the smaller fruit boats, 
 for they ordinarily have so few passengers that one 
 has almost the whole boat to oneself and needs it. 
 Mr. M. J. Dempsey, the traffic manager at New Or- 
 leans of the United Fruit Company, was very accom- 
 modating and painstaking, both in corresponding with 
 me and in placing me after I arrived at New Orleans. 
 The company is better than its boats. 
 
 83 
 
24 TO PANAMA 
 
 Having missed the Friday boat for Colon, I made 
 the best of my misfortune by feasting on fresh oys- 
 ters, French cafe-au-lait and French water-rolls. In 
 fact, I was benefited by the short delay, as the S. S. 
 Limon, the newest and largest in the service, sailed 
 on Monday morning directly for Port Limon, offering 
 me an opportunity of visiting San Jose, the capital of 
 Costa Rica, the so-called Paris of Central America, 
 and of avoiding the crowd of doctors who were going 
 later. In this case I was particularly anxious to avoid 
 the otherwise congenial crowd, because I wanted to 
 get away from English-speaking people during the 
 four or five days on the water. Thus I would have a 
 chance to brush up my Spanish by being forced to 
 speak it to the Central American passengers, the offi- 
 cers, steward, sailors, etc. I would then be better 
 prepared to converse with the South American doc- 
 tors. But when I went aboard I found that the S. S. 
 Limon was an old Glasgow ship with a new name, and 
 had a Canadian captain and Jamaican crew. The 
 passengers were all Americans and English, and I 
 was the only one on board who could speak, or cared 
 to speak, a word of Spanish. I was, therefore, obliged 
 to brush up my Spanish without a brush. 
 
 We got off at ii A. M. There were several pas- 
 sengers standing about on deck gazing listlessly at the 
 negroes on the dock, but not a friend of any of us 
 could be seen, not a smile or wave of hand or flutter 
 of handkerchief. It seemed quite doleful not even to 
 see a friend or relative of some one else. 
 
 The only incident that varied the monotony came 
 
GETTING OFF 25 
 
 near being an accident. It was the arrival of one of 
 the engineers, who was a man of unusually refined 
 features for one in his station of life, but who was in 
 such a happy state of mind that had it not been for 
 the assistance of his peers he would have walked off 
 the gangplank into the water, for he took two steps 
 and stoops sideways to every one forward. He was 
 softly singing, "For to-night we'll merry, merry be; 
 to-morrow we'll be shober." I felt relieved when I 
 saw that he was safely aboard where liquor was not 
 sold, and I realized for the first time what a great 
 blessing ships were to sailors. As soon as he was 
 safely over the gangplank he straightened up and 
 said, "I'm the besht eng'neer aboard. I can run an 
 engine better'n I can walk a plank. I've been drink- 
 ing like the but I'm not drunk. I'm a Christian 
 
 scientist, I am. I only think I'm drunk (hie)." 
 
 About an hour afterward as I was wandering about 
 exploring the ship, I came across him balancing him- 
 self along on his way from the kitchen to the mess 
 room, carrying a big iron pot of greasy soup and spill- 
 ing it liberally. Upon seeing me, he smiled blandly 
 and said: 
 
 "Good shoup this, ain't it?" 
 
 "Yes, I see it is. If you can eat that you're all 
 right." 
 
 "Oh, I'm aw right (hie) !" he said, as he allowed 
 about a pint of the soup to spill upon the deck. "It's 
 the shoup that's gone wrong. It's half seas over aw- 
 ready." 
 
 After a moment's pause he began again: "Is this 
 your firsht trip to the tropics?" 
 
26 TO PANAMA 
 
 "Yes, I want to see them before I die." 
 
 "Better wait till you die. It's a 11 of a place for 
 a live man. I'm going to set the ship on fire at five 
 o'clock. I've been drinking, but I'm as shober as 
 blue blazes now, and I'm going to shelebrate she- 
 (hic)elebrate." 
 
 Seeing my chance to do some missionary work, I 
 asked him why he didn't join a temperance club, and 
 thus relieve himself of all temptation to drink. 
 
 "No club for me, sir. Had enough clubbing when 
 I's a boy. Rather be hit by a cocktail. W'iskey's the 
 life of temper'nce clubs. Keeps 'em going (hie). 
 W'iskey causes more good resolutions than bad ones 
 makes people wish to be better. An' what's better'n 
 that?" 
 
 He stopped talking and stood grinning at me as I 
 moved slowly away and faintly returned his smile. I 
 then and there resolved never to take too much liquor 
 again in any form. All men should sign the pledge 
 before they die, as I expect to do. But as it was, I 
 feared I might never have a chance to drink anything 
 but Mississippi River water after five o'clock, when 
 the ship was to burn. However, I calculated that 
 since we would not be out of the river and away from 
 land until six or seven o'clock, which would be from 
 one to two hours after the fire, we could all save our- 
 selves with life-preservers. So I went to my state- 
 room and finding that my life-preservers had real 
 cork in them, instead of old-fashioned pig-iron, tied 
 one to my valise and two to my trunk. Then I went 
 back on deck and, being prepared for the danger, soon 
 forgot all about it. 
 
GETTING OFF 27 
 
 After speeding around many river-bends for two 
 hours we went down to lunch, and the pilot, who ate 
 with us, told us among other things that we were just 
 four miles from New Orleans, across country. I 
 told him not to hurry so, but to remember that "the 
 more haste the less speed ;" that on the Chicago River 
 we would have traveled many miles in two hours, and 
 that in Chicago we could walk faster than this boat ran ; 
 we could walk four miles in one hour. The pilot 
 thought that I was in earnest and winked at the 
 captain, who was of English descent and knew that a 
 wink meant a joke. So he winked at both of us, and 
 asked no questions. I afterward learned that the 
 mention of Chicago was the joke they meant. 
 
 Although it was the third week of December, the 
 shores were green and the scenery was interesting all 
 the way, and the weather was warm enough to enable 
 us to enjoy it. The delta presented the appearance 
 of numerous small lakes with strips of meadow land 
 between them, instead of branching streams as marked 
 on the maps. We saw some fine plantations and a fine 
 herd of cattle. Indeed, the district appeared to be 
 an ideal one for raising cattle, as grass and water 
 were plentiful, shelter unnecessary and fences super- 
 fluous. 
 
 Soon after six o'clock we came to the outlet which 
 was indicated by a jetty on our left and the open sea 
 ahead. The jetty was a pier built where the current 
 could strike it and hollow out its own channel, the 
 same as it does all along the river when it strikes the 
 banks at the bends. A lighthouse and searchlight 
 
28 TO PANAMA 
 
 were, of course, on the end of the pier, which was a 
 much smaller and simpler structure than I had con- 
 sidered necessary. The simple device was, as usual, 
 the successful one. 
 
 The pilot got off here, but stopped and shook hands 
 with me, and asked if I had enjoyed the ride. He told 
 me that we had made one of the quickest runs to the 
 mouth of the river on record for a fruit boat. I said : 
 "As far as I've got I can't conscientiously say that I 
 am exhilarated by the speed. Bananas that want to 
 ripen while they ride can't complain, however. The 
 river takes two dips sideways to every one forward 
 like the best engineer who came aboard half seas over, 
 and I can't comprehend how a man as sober and 
 steady as you seem to be can keep the ship going that 
 way without forgetting himself at times and letting it 
 take a straight and proper step or two occasionally 
 and run into the shore." 
 
 "Well, it's this way," he answered. "We become 
 so accustomed to the zigzag course that zigzagging 
 becomes a habit, and we find it hard to keep straight." 
 
 "Yes," I said, "and the engineers are acquiring 
 the zigzag habit, too." 
 
 As I did not bring in Chicago he didn't see any joke. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 At Sea 
 
 The Weather Packing the Stomach A Diatribe on Cooks 
 and Cooking Uncooked Food as a Diet Survival of 
 the Fittest New England Diet First Impressions and 
 Facts The Passengers The Englishman A Phantom 
 Laugh The Stewardess Beef Tea A Recreation 
 Famine The Universal Enjoyment An Old English 
 Table d'Hote White Ducks and Rain Highballs and 
 High Life Bad Effects of Water A Temperate Cap- 
 tain and Crew Scenery and Poetry How People Get 
 What They Want The Southern Cross and Others 
 Advice. 
 
 FROM DIARY. 
 
 Tuesday, December 2Oth. Smooth sea. Weather 
 cool but pleasant. The temperature at New Orleans 
 was about twenty degrees Fahrenheit warmer than 
 at Chicago, and this afternoon is nearly ten degrees 
 warmer than it was at New Orleans yesterday. We 
 are headed almost due south and expect soon to 
 breathe the balmy air of the Caribbean Sea. It is so far 
 a pleasant winter experience to wake up each morning 
 and find the air about ten degrees warmer than on the 
 day before. 
 
 What a change from busy Chicago life it is to have 
 nothing to do all day long but read novels and talk 
 small talk, and linger leisurely over one's meals with 
 
 29 
 
30 TO PANAMA 
 
 strangers gathered together from various parts of 
 Anglo-Saxondom. We lingered over the food to-day 
 until we had eaten enough for two dinners. It was 
 not that we felt the need of a double dinner, but 
 largely out of a subconscious imitation of each other. 
 When among eaters do as eaters do, is the philosophy 
 of it. There is no place where people enjoy and un- 
 derstand the packing and filling up of their adjustable 
 and dilatable stomachs better than on shipboard. When 
 they pack their trunks and bags they do not overload 
 them, for they know that there is danger of straining 
 or bursting them, and they do not wet and soak things 
 down in their trunks in order to make them pack 
 tighter, as they do in their stomachs. They know 
 that the stomach, which was not made by hands, will 
 not burst. 
 
 But eating can not unfortunately be made to fill in 
 the whole of our time, even on shipboard and with 
 saltwater appetites. If we had four stomachs, like a 
 cow, and could devote all of our time either to eating, 
 or the chewing of cuds, how simple life would become 
 for many of us. Idle men would be kept from mis- 
 chief and idle women from worry. Our enjoyment 
 would be simple and continual, sanitary and convivial. 
 However, our mode of living and the economy of our 
 functions are such that we can not utilize much bulky 
 nourishment, as do our bovine models, whose heads 
 and limbs are mere appendages to their stomachs ; and 
 our methods of preparing food are such that we do 
 not have to do the work with our teeth. We thus lose 
 much of the benefit as well as harmless pleasure that 
 
AT SEA 31 
 
 animals derive from the preparation of their own 
 meals. Our lips are shrinking and our jaws degen- 
 erating for want of work. 
 
 There is much to be said in favor of doing your 
 cooking in your own mouth. Mouths are often the 
 most unclean of cavities, yet who would not rather 
 trust his own mouth than the methods of the average 
 kitchen blunderer with her germ-laden, all-invading 
 hands, tasting spoons, wandering hairs, dusty dishes, 
 coughs, colds, salt rheums, etc. No one has seen the 
 cook drinking out of the water bottle, tasting the food, 
 and handling the salt, the dough, the waste-pail, the 
 dish cloth, the berries and the bread with fingers that 
 are licked instead of being washed every time she 
 handles these things and her hair, but would wish to 
 possess the jaw and juices of an animal to enable him to 
 save the wages, waste and culinary wantonness of a 
 cook; and avoid the appendicitis, gastric ulcer, fer- 
 mentation, diabetes, Bright's disease, entero-colitis 
 and acid fermentation that have developed with the 
 development of the art of eating. Modern cooking 
 is a bold and unscrupulous attempt to create, by means 
 of variously flavored, complicated mixtures, a desire 
 for artificial food, instead of depending upon a nat- 
 ural appetite for a few simple articles, such as exists 
 throughout the animal kingdom where irresponsible 
 cooks have not interfered. 
 
 It is an open question whether the human system 
 is not adapted to the consumption of much more un- 
 cooked food than is at present allowed, and whether 
 the cooking in many instances does not destroy fer- 
 
3* TO PANAMA 
 
 ments that aid digestion, and does not thus render the 
 digestion of foods more difficult or imperfect. Fresh 
 raw milk is more nourishing and more easily digested 
 by normal digestive organs than cooked milk, and this 
 is true of eggs, oysters, beef, cheese, tomatoes, but- 
 ter, etc. Celery, radishes, cucumbers, cresses, pars- 
 ley, asparagus, onions, honey, fresh and dried fruits, 
 nuts, aromatics, ripe olives, olive oil, smoked and 
 dried meats, besides many other herbs and fruits that 
 are habitually eaten raw in warm and tropical coun- 
 tries, ought to enter more extensively into our diet 
 and be made to greatly reduce the amount of kitchen 
 mixtures that now tempts us toward an overfed ane- 
 mia, dyspeptic insomnia, toxic obesity and premature 
 death. The above mentioned foods constitute an am- 
 ple dietary for the average individual. By cooking 
 we aim to facilitate and quicken the digestion of food, 
 and render it more complete, forgetting that a larger 
 amount of undigested debris might maintain a more 
 normal action of the intestines. 
 
 Food kept for consumption in the winter time in 
 cold climates, or in arid districts far away from its 
 production, would in part require cooking, but that 
 made of grains could be prepared at laboratories in 
 a dry, unchangeable, sterile form, while some of the 
 animal and fatty foods could be partly predigested 
 and preserved for invalids. In fact, a diet could be 
 planned that would render the kitchen unnecessary 
 except as a place to make ready a hot drink or to 
 warm food already prepared and preserved according 
 to the dictates of science instead of by the art of 
 
AT SEA 33 
 
 uneducated, uncultured, unclean, bad-tempered, hap- 
 hazard cooks. 
 
 The political crime of 1890 was the putting of sugar 
 on the free list. It was a covert attack upon the 
 women and children of the country by rendering it 
 easier for them to slowly poison themselves i. e., to 
 sweeten themselves to death. A relish for sweets has 
 been given man to lead him to eat fruits and to chew 
 his starchy food until it develops that sweet taste 
 which indicates beginning digestion. It is this relish 
 for sweet that leads herbivorous animals to chew their 
 food so thoroughly. That a taste for sweets is not 
 intended to lead people to eat artificial sweets is evi- 
 dent from the fact that, excepting honey, which is 
 meant for bees, there is no such concentrated sweet 
 as sugar to be found in nature. But man began to 
 extract the sugar from the sugar cane, the beet and 
 the grape and eat it in large quantities in its concen- 
 trated, unnatural form, and to put it in food that, 
 without it, would not be relished, and which, there- 
 fore, should not be eaten until hunger gave its relish. 
 As a consequence he has become the victim of salt 
 rheums, pimples, hives and other agonies of itching 
 and ugliness. 
 
 Sugar is the devil conjured by man to entertain his 
 sweetheart or wife, and keep his children quiet. Sug- 
 ar is the serpent of a civilized Eden. He corrupts 
 the human body before it is developed, and after. He 
 squanders the pocket money and perverts the appe- 
 tite of the fairer half of humanity, until it thinks that 
 it would starve without his support, and refuses to 
 
 3 
 
34 TO PANAMA 
 
 nourish itself without his aid. Let him be banished 
 from the public view and be locked up again in the 
 cane and the beet where he can be enjoyed only in 
 harmless attenuations and in digestible quantities. A 
 little of the devil goes a great way. Too much of him 
 breeds disease and doctors to condemn and conduct 
 us to the grave. 
 
 But the self-denial of such a return to nature and 
 abandonment of the pleasure of eating a variety of 
 complicated, fancifully flavored and abnormally 
 tempting food mixtures is hardly to be expected of a 
 gastronomically perverted humanity. Humanity 
 knows enough to tempt itself, and it will do so. The 
 rapidly multiplying wealthy class has the means of 
 over-indulging itself, and will make use of them, and 
 the common lot will follow suit. Deterioration, de- 
 generation and individual extinction will be the logi- 
 cal result. Survival of the fittest thus becomes a mat- 
 ter of appetite. To kill oneself by degrees within the 
 three-score-and-ten is becoming the easiest and most 
 agreeable of occupations; much easier and more en- 
 joyable than slowly dieting oneself to death, as Luigi 
 Cornaro did at the age of 103 years. He ate but little 
 here below, but ate that little long. 
 
 There are many who believe that what is generally 
 adopted as a custom by the mass of the people must 
 be right, and that since we have been eating as we 
 now do for a long time, and are longer lived than 
 formerly, we should continue doing so. Apropos of 
 this I will quote from the writings of Volney, a 
 Frenchman who traveled in the United States seventy 
 years ago: 
 
AT SEA 35 
 
 "I will venture to say that if a prize were proposed 
 for the scheme of a regimen most calculated to injure 
 the stomach, the teeth and the health in general, no 
 better could be invented than that of Americans. In 
 the morning at breakfast, they deluge their stomach 
 with a quart of hot water, impregnated with tea, or 
 slightly so with coffee, that is mere colored water; 
 and they swallow, almost without chewing, hot bread, 
 half-baked toast soaked in butter, cheese of the fattest 
 kind, slices of salt or hung beef, ham, etc., all of which 
 are nearly insoluble. At dinner, they have boiled 
 pastes under the name of puddings, and the fattest 
 are esteemed the most delicious ; all their sauces, even 
 for roasted beef, are melted butter; their turnips and 
 potatoes swim in lard, butter, or fat; under the 
 name of pumpkin pie their pastry is nothing but a 
 greasy paste, never sufficiently baked; to digest these 
 substances they take tea almost instantly after dinner, 
 making it so strong that it is absolutely bitter to the 
 taste, in which state it affects the nerves so powerfully 
 that even the English find it brings on more obstinate 
 restlessness than coffee. Supper again introduces salt 
 meats or oysters. As Chastelux says, the whole day 
 passes in heaping indigestions on one another; and 
 to give tone to the poor, relaxed and wearied stom- 
 ach, they drink Madeira rum, French brandy, gin or 
 malt spirits, which complete the ruin of the nervous 
 system." 
 
 Man seems to be the only animal that doesn't know 
 how to eat. But as we have apparently eaten without 
 knowing how, and have been dyspeptic for the seven- 
 
36 TO PANAMA 
 
 ty years since Volney wrote, and probably for seven- 
 ty years before that, why not eat in this way and re- 
 main dyspeptic for the next seventy years? We have 
 been dyspeptic so long that proper food and normal 
 function might prove a disastrous change of environ- 
 ment to our stomachs. Innovations are apt to prove 
 dangerous. Let us be conservative, and do right with 
 caution. This precocious, overgrown, youthful coun- 
 try needs above all to be conservative, and above all 
 wants conserves. 
 
 But since the agreeable gustatory occupation of 
 doing the cooking in nature's individual kitchen is 
 denied us, we passengers are at the mercy of the ship's 
 cook. I wonder how clean he and his materials are. 
 And as the process of swallowing and washing down 
 his mixtures can not be made to occupy all of our wak- 
 ing hours, we will have to sandwich in a few games 
 of cards, a few cotillions, cigars, siestas and, at ap- 
 propriate times, a few turns of mal-de-mer. 
 
 Wednesday, December 2ist. How different stran- 
 gers often are from the first impression they 
 make upon us. If we revealed ourselves upon first 
 sight just as we really are in this democratic coun- 
 try, in which the poor are rich and the rich poor, 
 according to the mutations of the markets, and where 
 we can not always distinguish a Brahmin from a 
 blowhard, we would be quickly divided into social 
 castes, and would find new levels. Even in tra- 
 ditional monarchies a large proportion of the nobility 
 are Brahmins by birth only. The fabric of society 
 is woven out of lies, for lies are not words pronounced 
 
AT SEA 
 
 37 
 
 but impressions produced. In fact, all the world's a 
 lie, and men and women play their parts therein. The 
 word falsehood is merely the name for a feminine 
 fabric which conceals the hair that nature made to 
 conceal the head. Our customs encourage false 
 hoods, false hair, false teeth and false modesty, for 
 who would marry a person without hood, hair, teeth 
 or modesty? Better dead than without them. Better 
 to have lived and lied than not to have lied at all. 
 
 All of the passengers of the S. S. Limon are first- 
 class liars, I mean first-impression liars, like the rest 
 of the world. I have constructed two descriptive 
 columns to show the impression they produced upon 
 me at the first meal and the facts as I have since 
 learned them. 
 
 First Impression. 
 
 Captain is an English- 
 man. 
 
 An Englishman and his 
 wife traveling for 
 pleasure, probably on 
 their honeymoon. 
 
 American army captain 
 going to some post in 
 the tropics with his 
 wife. 
 
 Facts. 
 Captain is a Canadian. 
 
 Englishman with wife 
 returning to Costa 
 Rica, where he is in 
 business. Married many 
 years. 
 
 Insurance agent and cap- 
 tain of militia going to 
 Costa Rica to look after 
 mining interests. Is 
 president and organizer 
 of the company. 
 
38 TO PANAMA 
 
 First Impression. Facts. 
 
 Emaciated young man Relative of insurance 
 traveling for his health. agent and secretary of 
 Either a dyspeptic or mining company, 
 consumptive. Starved from overeat- 
 
 ing. 
 
 A Spaniard going to his An engineer with a Scotch 
 tropical home with his brogue, superintending 
 daughter, a dark young a new ice plant just put 
 lady. in the ship. No relation 
 
 to dark young lady, 
 who is the lady's maid 
 of the wife of the 
 Englishman. 
 
 We also have at the table a young American who 
 is a clerk in the offices of the United Fruit Company 
 at Port Limon, the second mate and the purser. The 
 English couple and the insurance agent have been in 
 the tropics before and have learned not to drink ship 
 water or Central American water, and keep the two 
 waiters busy bringing beer, wine, highballs, Apolli- 
 naris water and ginger ale, somewhat to the incon- 
 venience of the rest of us who have to -await the 
 return of the waiters with these articles before we 
 can be served with our food. 
 
 The Englishman sits in a corner of the smoking- 
 room and smokes a pipe after each meal. While 
 smoking these three pipefuls, which seem to be his 
 daily allowance, he studies American history out of 
 Winston Churchill's novel, "The Crossing." He is 
 
AT SEA 39 
 
 one of those practical Englishmen who believe that 
 he who laughs last laughs best. He asked me this 
 morning why the United States did not keep Cuba 
 when she first had her; and I could not convince 
 him that it was neither expedient nor honorable to 
 annex the island at that time. In fact, before we got 
 through with our discussion I felt like apologizing 
 to him for our honorable action in the matter, for 
 doing our duty as we saw it. The English believe 
 in our duty as they see it. He considered our dealings 
 with Cuba as a huge American joke, a subject for 
 the pen of a Mark Twain or a W. W. Jacobs, and that 
 a keener sense of humor would have saved us from 
 the mistake. 
 
 Thursday, December 22nd. We have three flesh 
 and blood visible ladies aboard, and a stewardess. 
 A stewardess usually passes for flesh and blood 
 also. This one, however, is a sort of phantom 
 lady who is always heard, but seldom seen. Until 
 this morning she was nothing but a laugh. She 
 had not, to my personal knowledge, been seen on 
 deck. She, however, had frequently made herself 
 known by her laugh which every once in a while 
 would ring out, or rather up, from below like a 
 chime of tiny bells started by the wind, and making 
 melody because they couldn't help it. When we 
 feel well we are stirred up by the laugh and feel 
 like joining in, but when the waves are swinging our 
 heads around, it sounds unnatural and phantom-like, 
 and strikes an unsympathetic chord in our pneumo- 
 gastric nerve fibers. I had heard the laugh many 
 
40 TO PANAMA 
 
 times and had enjoyed it until this morning, when I 
 was lying back in my steamer chair practicing Chris- 
 tian Science without any comfort. Every few moments 
 the ship would give a lurch, and so nearly turn over 
 that it seemed as if it could not right up, and the 
 ladies would say o-oh ! and the phantom laugh would 
 be heard coming up from below. I took to shutting 
 my dizzy eyes and saying mentally : "Go over, if you 
 wish, old banana box! If only my stomach will keep 
 right side out until we go down and I become uncon- 
 scious! Laugh on, young lady! It's all right for an 
 invisible stewardess who hasn't any nerves in her 
 stomach (if she has one) and nothing but haw-haws 
 in her brain (if she has one) to laugh, for I can't help 
 it. But even Solomon said that there was a time to 
 laugh and a time not to laugh." 
 
 While I was thus moralizing the laugh suddenly 
 appeared on deck in coiffe and corset, smiling and 
 balancing airily while the ship tried to dump it over- 
 board. It was a white-aproned, pink-skinned, flaxen- 
 haired, pleb-featured apparition, as plump and un- 
 phantom-like as flesh and blood with a cockney ac- 
 cent could be. It was searching for sick women, and 
 immediately spied me. It stopped and said:- 
 
 " 'Ave you 'ad any breakfast, sir?" 
 
 "Yes," I said, "I have had breakfast all of my life, 
 thank you." 
 
 "Won't you 'ave a cup of beef tea, sir? It works 
 like a charm." 
 
 "No, thank you. I don't want anything that will 
 work. You give us plenty to eat, but you don't keep 
 
AT SEA 41 
 
 it down. Dieting is the best thing for ship food. I 
 was told to diet several years ago, and I wish I'd 
 done it. The opportunity has come now." 
 
 It smiled at me as if I was a spoiled child, and 
 balanced about among the ladies in a way that made 
 my head swim, until finally it disappeared. 
 
 In a little while it sent up a cup of beef tea by the 
 shuffling, cross-eyed, colorless, albino-haired, cockney 
 steward. The stuff looked good, however, and I 
 braced up and drank the health of the flower of the 
 English meadows that had blossomed on the beauti- 
 ful land and now bloomed on the blooming sea, and 
 felt better. The beef tea suffered no harm, and I no 
 longer wished to be thrown overboard. In fact, with- 
 in two hours afterward I went down to the dining- 
 room and ate leather and doepaste, and drank luke- 
 warm mud-decoction with a favorable termination. 
 
 Friday, December 23rd. We arrive at Port Limon 
 to-morrow morning, and so far no Spanish lessons, 
 no cotillions, no cake-walks, no negro minstrels, no 
 shuffle-board, no music, not even poker or pools on 
 the daily run ; nothing doing but the moonlight tete-a- 
 tetes of the United Fruit Company's clerk from 
 Limon and the lady's maid from London. He evi- 
 dently regards her as edible. Watching them with 
 parental interest and sympathetic reminiscence is the 
 only recreation we have had except eating at odd 
 meals when Neptune happened to be napping. Per- 
 haps it is youth rather than opportunity that we lack, 
 for as people grow older they lose the cleverness and 
 skill as well as the illusions necessary for the enjoy- 
 
42 TO PANAMA 
 
 ment of the recreations of their youth, except in eat- 
 ing. The enjoyment of eating, illusions and all, be- 
 longs to all ages and all animals. It constitutes the 
 first evidence of our animal intelligence and the last 
 senile flourish of our physical nature. When all other 
 incentives to enjoyment and hilarity are gone for- 
 ever, people can laugh and joke over their food like 
 children. Having consumed the spirits of youth 
 they resort to the spirits of wine, and the result is 
 a brilliant flicker. 
 
 It is interesting to watch a small party of English 
 people of uncertain age and social station at a Con- 
 tinental table d'hote dinner, as I once had the pleas- 
 ure of doing: 
 
 At soup a fortified and funereal quiet and, to the 
 young and frivolous table-d'hoters about them, an 
 apparently reproachful demeanor, a social asceticism. 
 Such dignity and decorum as is found only among 
 the English, whose recreations and social functions 
 are formal duties. 
 
 Over the fish, occasional premeditated remarks such 
 as courtesy demands, and a solemn sipping of wine 
 at appropriate intervals. 
 
 Over the third course, slight relaxation of features 
 and small bits of conversation, interspersed with 
 more frequent and informal sipping of wine. 
 
 Over the fourth course, much less modulation of 
 voice and considerable talking, with an occasional 
 easily comprehended joke followed by generous ap- 
 plause. General emptying of bottles and drinking 
 of toasts. A touch of nature makes the whole room 
 grin. 
 
AT SEA 45 
 
 Over dessert, frequent flashing of fire-cracker jokes 
 extinguished in laughter. A leaning over cordiality 
 and unrestrained communicativeness regardless of 
 appearances. An astonishing climax of gayety. The 
 tables are turned. Foreigners grow silent and look 
 on with wonder. 
 
 Disappearance of ladies and retirement of the men 
 to the smoking-room or porches for a congenial ex- 
 change of confidences and a forgetfulness of cares and 
 responsibilities. Social mellowness slowly hardening 
 back into desiccated conversation. 
 
 The elders have had their daily round of recreation, 
 the only kind they still excel at, and are again models 
 of dignity and decorum for the younger generation 
 to respect, but not to emulate. 
 
 Such an insular touch of nature I have not, of 
 course, observed on our boat. The above was merely 
 one of those observations of former times that come 
 to my mind during the long hours of sitting and gazing 
 at the tireless sea. Continental table-d'hoters become 
 demonstrative over their wine, but do not taper on 
 and taper off like the English. One expects foreign- 
 ers to gesticulate and be undignified from first to last. 
 
 We are in the Caribbean Sea "alright," with trade 
 winds to tame us, choppy seas to chafe us, and sudden 
 showers to shift us. The officers and the militia cap- 
 tain are parading in dazzling white duck suits, in 
 which they are obliged to run under cover every little 
 while from the rain. A mist appears over the horizon 
 and in a few minutes overtakes us in the form of a 
 drenching rain, causing the officers on duty to put on 
 
44 TO PANAMA 
 
 their raincoats, and those off duty to come in and be 
 treated to highballs. This is their high life, and makes 
 them accept with thankfulness and thanks whatever 
 and whichever comes. Water is man's greatest ene- 
 my as well as friend in the Caribbean. It drives 
 through the canvas awnings, steals into the state- 
 rooms, rusts steel buttons and umbrella frames, ruins 
 clothing, spoils cigars and gives men a taste for 
 liquor. 
 
 The captain, however, is temperate and has none 
 of the sailors' vices, as no man who lives with the 
 bottom of the sea constantly under his feet should 
 have. This nautical peculiarity of the captain has a 
 good effect upon the crew, and is a recommendation 
 to the United Fruit Company. It enables him to drink 
 with impunity when alone with the passengers. He 
 believes that only temperance men should be allowed 
 to drink. He believes that, being temperate, drink 
 does him no harm, and that he who thinks like a gen- 
 tleman will drink like a gentleman. The "besht" en- 
 gineer is also temperate, for the captain sees to it that 
 drink does not harm him either. The poor fellow has 
 had nothing alcoholic since we left New Orleans. 
 But he will get his bottle of beer with his Christmas 
 dinner to remind him of the cause of all the happi- 
 ness he has ever had. Our captain is so opposed to 
 intemperance that he will not keep a man in the crew 
 who is addicted to drink. The fate of the best engi- 
 neer is therefore settled, and he is taking his last voy- 
 age on the S. S. Limon. But he has not had his last 
 good time off the S. S. Limon by any means. 
 
AT SEA 45 
 
 We have beautiful sunsets and sunrises, although 
 they are not very different from those in Illinois ex- 
 cept that the colors are more crude and garish. The 
 softened, hazy, fumigated, terra cotta hues of the 
 Chicago sunsets are unknown here. It is necessary 
 to go to Chicago to see them. On bright and clear 
 days the Caribbean sky and water have an intense 
 blue color that we seldom see in Northern latitudes, 
 but when the wind blows and the sky is overcast, the 
 water is of a bright, seasick green color, known to 
 poets although not to poetry. 
 
 We have moonlight nights that are worth taking a 
 five-day boat ride to see. At times the sky and sea 
 are bathed in silver sheens and shimmers that equal 
 those in some of the paintings and poems, and which 
 are worthy the pen of a Scott or Shelley. At other 
 times the firmament is caverned with jasper clouds, 
 and the water mottled with mysterious isles of shadow. 
 As Shelley says: 
 
 The chasm in which the sun has sunk is shut 
 
 By darkest barriers of enormous cloud, 
 Like mountain over mountain huddled but 
 
 Growing and moving upward in a crowd, 
 And over it a space of watery blue 
 
 Which the keen evening star is shining through. 
 
 How beautiful this night ! the balmiest sigh 
 
 Which vernal zephyrs breathe in evening's ear 
 Were discord to the speaking quietude 
 
 That wraps this moveless scene. Heaven's ebon vault 
 Studded with stars unutterably bright, 
 
 Through which the moon's unclouded grandeur rolls, 
 Seems like a canopy that love has spread 
 
 To curtain her sleeping world. 
 
46 TO PANAMA 
 
 This is about as I would have written except that 
 I should also have put the Fruit Company's clerk and 
 the English lady's maid in the scene to emphasize 
 the moonlight and add that human interest which the 
 lines do not express. The difference between Shel- 
 ley's lines and mine would have been that Shelley's 
 contain more poetry than truth, while mine would have 
 contained more truth than poetry. Truth is better 
 than poetry. 
 
 I have given Shelley's description because people 
 are seldom satisfied with the naked truth. They pre- 
 fer something in costume, and labeled with a name. 
 For instance, when they ask for medicine they get 
 something with a name; when they want Christian 
 Science they get nothing, with a name ; when they want 
 lies they get the real thing. Those who can no longer 
 be deceived are ready for another world, but not for 
 a better one. 
 
 Every one who visits the torrid zone takes a look at 
 the Southern Cross. So did I. On the Caribbean it 
 arises very late at night, and comes out about the time 
 civilized banqueters are going home. I had to get up 
 after midnight to obtain a view of it. There were 
 several crosses visible and I looked at them all, and 
 thus saw the Southern one. But I was unable to say 
 which one was the one, for I had no compass. How- 
 ever, that did not matter, since I could say I had seen 
 it. The one that travelers see and talk about is a 
 crooked one. It does not stand straight in the heav- 
 ens, and has its beams warped. I would not advise 
 any one to travel down here in a banana boat, that 
 
AT SEA 47 
 
 becomes inebriated and intolerable every time a zephyr 
 blows, in order to stay awake to see a little, crooked, 
 imperfect cross that wouldn't be looked at in Chicago. 
 One can stay at home and hunt up a better and bigger 
 one before midnight, not to mention our glorious 
 Orion, our beautiful Milky Way and many other in- 
 teresting and historic constellations. In fact, how 
 many Northern people who know of and have seen, 
 and have acted silly about, the Southern Cross, know 
 of all and have seen all and have acted silly about all 
 of our Northern constellations? We should know 
 something about our own heaven before we devote our 
 attention to that of others. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 Port Limdn 
 
 Christmas Eve Heat as a Stimulant Essentials to a Good 
 Sleeper Sheltering Reefs Flying-Fish Port Lim6n 
 View of the Island and Town from the Ship A Sailing 
 Vessel The Piers Fruits Sharks Christmas Festivi- 
 ties of San Jos6 The Great Flood Accidents on the 
 Railway The Graveyard Washout Two Weeks of 
 Travel to go a Hundred Miles Ashore Almost an Acci- 
 dent Difficult Landing A Negro with an Irish Brogue 
 Other Negroes A Cockney Accent U. S. Accent 
 Sun Baths and Shower Baths The Rainy Season No 
 Thunder An Earthquake Its Wasted Energy Popu- 
 lation of Limon The Fruit Company The Stores and 
 Business Houses San Josans Caught at Lim6n by the 
 Washout Boarding the Boat Freight-ship Luxury 
 Arrival of the Italian Ship Christmas Dinner on Board 
 Government Piers The Warehouse of the United 
 Fruit Company Other Houses Clean Streets The 
 Colored Inhabitants The Race Problem Vultures 
 The Cockpit The Cock Fight A Used-up Victor The 
 Market Tough Meat Saloons The Hotel and Garden 
 A Cockatoo Highballs Dear S. S. Lim6n Escape 
 from Malaria, Mosquitoes and Yellow Fever. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS. 
 
 OFF PORT LIMON, ON S. S. LIMON. 
 10:30 A. M. Saturday, Dec. 24, 1904. 
 This is Christmas eve, or will be when it is. It re- 
 quired quite a little will power for me to come into 
 the smoking-room where there is no breeze, in order 
 
 4 8 
 
PORT LIMON 49 
 
 to write and swelter, and swelter and write, and thus 
 do two things at the same time on the same day. I 
 feel like one bird being killed by two stones. 
 
 You, of course, can have no conception of the effect 
 of this tropical heat upon the nervous energies, for 
 heat is a stimulant, and therefore not in your line. I 
 formerly imagined that it was a pleasant experience to 
 be under the influence of a stimulant, but now know 
 that it is not. It does not make it a bit easier to do 
 what you do not wish to do. I wonder if science is 
 really correct in calling heat a stimulant, or if the idea 
 is merely an opinion of scientists who, like women, are 
 forever changing their minds, and who have but little 
 experience or sympathy with stimulants ? 
 
 By night my head is weary from thinking about 
 how happy people are who live on land, so I promptly 
 fall asleep and stay asleep for seven or eight hours. 
 The three essentials to a good sleeper are present, 
 viz., a relaxed mind, a comfortable stomach and warm 
 feet. The combination is not to be had at home where 
 the brain, stomach and feet can not get together. 
 
 We were all day Monday from 10:30 A. M. to 6 
 P. M. in getting out of the Mississippi River (120 
 miles or thereabouts) and had smooth sailing on Tues- 
 day, giving every one a chance to eat three times. On 
 Wednesday we all dieted three times, being tossed by 
 a troublesome trade-wind which was to last a week. 
 But it is the unexpected that is always happening. By 
 noon we ran behind some sheltering reefs off Yucatan 
 and were suffering only from hunger which is more 
 easily cured than seasickness. 
 
 The sun was shining and innumerable flying-fish 
 were sporting about the boat. Instead of sailing 
 through the air as I had seen them represented in 
 books, they seemed to keep their winglike fins in a 
 constant flutter, like the wings of hummingbirds, and 
 shone brightly in the sunlight as they sped over the 
 
$o TO PANAMA 
 
 waves for forty or fifty feet. When they shot up out 
 of the water they reached a height of two or three 
 feet, went ahead for a short distance, and gradually 
 sank nearer and nearer to the water until buried in a 
 rising wave. After gaining the height acquired by 
 the first impulse as they emerged, they did not seem 
 able to rise any higher, but occasionally one would 
 strike the crest of a wave at the end of its flight and 
 give itself an upward turn, and would thus get a fresh 
 start and take another flight, somewhat shorter than 
 the first. The large number of them, and their live- 
 liness and apparently intense enjoyment of the air and 
 sun bath, produced a decidedly exhilarating effect 
 upon us and added to the joy of not being seasick. 
 But alas! Great happiness never lasts. The next 
 morning, Thursday, we were in the open sea again 
 among the swells. 
 
 And the swells still continue on the sea as well as 
 in Port Limon, where we have been anchored since 
 yesterday afternoon. The coast line is straight and 
 there are no breakwaters for the protection of ships, 
 except an island by the name of Uvita, which is situ- 
 ated about a quarter of a mile from the shore. Our 
 ship, two freight steamers and a sailing vessel are an- 
 chored behind it. The island appears oval in shape 
 and has, I should say, a surface of about six acres. 
 There are reefs at either end upon which foamy break- 
 ers are constantly curling and which, with the dense 
 tropical forest that covers it, constitute an animated 
 and pleasing picture. From the ship the town also 
 looks beautiful, nestling among the cocoa palms and 
 other trees that line the shore, and forming a pretty 
 fringe to the densely wooded, rising background. 
 
 The sailing vessel, which is a large schooner, came, 
 in shortly after we did, and it was an interesting ex- 
 perience to see her handled by three or four men. She 
 came toward us riding at full speed before the wind 
 
PORT LIMON 51 
 
 with all sails set. She let down some of them as she 
 came near us, swung slowly around our stern, let 
 down more sail, pointed up toward the wind, then let 
 down all sail and dropped anchor just as she got into 
 position beside us at a conveniently safe distance. The 
 quickness with which so few men executed these nu- 
 merous details at the right moment, and the accuracy 
 with which the ship was maneuvered, with nothing 
 but the wind as a motor, caused me to realize that 
 there was as much nicety in managing a ship as in re- 
 moving an appendix. 
 
 If there is no bay at Limon there are at least fine 
 piers. The ships remain at anchor until the sea is 
 calm, then move up beside the piers and take on their 
 loads. Coffee and bananas seem to be the principal 
 exports, although about all kinds of tropical fruits 
 are, or can be, raised in Costa Rica. Oranges and 
 pineapples are plentiful, but our Northern apple, which 
 has almost as great a variety of flavors as all of the 
 tropical fruits put together, is an exotic and a luxury. 
 
 We saw a shark foraging about the ship this morn- 
 ing. Usually nothing but the back fin came in sight 
 as he swam along the surface, although occasionally 
 he would show his nose. The sailors are fishing for 
 him, but so far have not had a bite, and I am deprived 
 of an exciting description. But few in my place would 
 allow the opportunity to pass, bite or no bite. The 
 captain says that the popular notion that sharks turn 
 on the back or side when they bite or take anything 
 into the mouth is a mistaken one. He and others have 
 seen them grab things without turning. They do not 
 always take time to turn on the side. Like other ani- 
 mals they bite at things in any old way. But if a 
 shark wishes to seize a large object that is floating on 
 the surface, he may, if in no hurry, turn sidewise in 
 order not to have to lift his head out of water over 
 the object. Or if he wishes to bite a man's leg he 
 
52 TO PANAMA 
 
 must turn sidewise in order not to bump his nose 
 against the leg and thus prevent the mouth, which 
 is quite a distance behind the nose, getting here. But 
 that he habitually turns on his back or side, like a 
 playful kitten, in order to eat or commit murder is one 
 of those romantic notions that people who like to be 
 deceived like to believe. Information that is novel or 
 absurd attracts attention and spreads widely, and is 
 slow to be corrected by reason and accurate observa- 
 tion. Natural science still has many entertaining 
 absurdities to eliminate from its teachings. 
 
 But now that I am within sight and touch of the 
 land of promise, the beautiful Costa Rica, I find myself 
 in a sad plight. I can not get in. I sailed from New 
 Orleans a week earlier than the other delegates in or- 
 der to spend the holiday week at San Jose, the capital 
 of Costa Rica and the Paris of Central America, and 
 practice my Spanish and participate in the revelry. 
 The beautiful city is located up in the highlands nearly 
 4,000 feet above the sea level and has a mean yearly 
 temperature of 68 degrees F., the extremes being 50 
 and 80 degrees. Although it has neither a good troupe 
 of actors nor of singers, it has the finest theater on 
 the continent. It therefore imports an operatic com- 
 pany from Spain every year for the Christmas holi- 
 days, and has a season of operatic and theatrical per- 
 formances, mimic bull-fights, genuine cock-fights, 
 noisy merry-go-rounds, harmless football and all sorts 
 of Spanish celebrations. All business is suspended and 
 the people give themselves up to a season of carnival 
 such as Latin nations delight in. But the wind blew, 
 the rain came, the earth quaked and the mountains 
 started down toward the sea, carrying away and bury- 
 ing miles of the only railroad track that led from the 
 Caribbean sea to the capital. This occurred four days 
 ago, and two feet of water is still running over the 
 great railroad bridge, which is 620 feet long and 220 
 
PORT LIMON S3 
 
 feet above the bed of the well-named Reventazon 
 River (Big Buster River). The wind and rain did 
 about the same thing last year and, finding that it 
 was easy, repeated its performance this year, only in a 
 more thorough manner. 
 
 The last train that came down from San Jose had to 
 run through water that reached almost to the firebox" 
 of the engine, and stop occasionally to chop up huge 
 tree trunks that overlay the track. A train taking up 
 the imported actors and singers engaged for the 
 Christmas festivities at San Jose has not been heard 
 from, and as all telegraphic communication between 
 the port and the capital is interrupted, it is not known 
 whether the players are now acting for a living or 
 swimming for their lives. A trainful of workmen, 
 sent up to see what could be done to clear the track, 
 was caught in a land slide and buried, engine, men and 
 all. 
 
 Nine inches of rain fell at Limon night before last 
 and carried the muddy water of the river out into the 
 sea for five miles, coloring it a light yellow. As we 
 came here we entered this yellow sea before we sighted 
 Limon, and were in it fully an hour before we ar- 
 rived in port. Trees, bunches of bananas and other 
 debris are floating about, and although the stream 
 that empties into the sea at Limon was a small one, 
 they say that it is now large enough to float a ship. A 
 portion of the graveyard here was also washed out, 
 the flood carrying tombstones from one grave to an- 
 other and mixing up the bones. However, as far as 
 the living are concerned this is not a calamity, but 
 a blessing, for the town has received the washing it 
 needed to prevent the development of pestilence. The 
 buried negroes don't know the difference, nor do the 
 living care. The dead are having a good drying off 
 down below and the living expect to get one. 
 
 My fellow passengers, all of whom are bound for 
 
54 TO PANAMA 
 
 San Jose, will have to wait for a passing ship to take 
 them to Colon, then cross the isthmus by rail to the 
 city of Panama, and wait there for a steamship to 
 take them up the west coast to Punto Arenas where 
 they can wait for a train to San Jose. Whether they 
 will have to stay there very long or not, depends upon 
 the amount of washing out there has been on the Pa- 
 cific side. As the steamers make many stops on the 
 Pacific coast and do not run very often, the passen- 
 gers will be on the way between one and two weeks, 
 according to their luck in catching a boat and a train, 
 instead of making the overland trip of 103 miles in a 
 few hours by rail, as they had expected to do. 
 
 As for me I will lose the fine Christmas weather in 
 the mountains and the round of novel entertainments 
 in the Paris of Central America, and be obliged to 
 spend two weeks instead of one in the hot city of 
 Panama, which is at sea level, within eight degrees of 
 the equator, and within two or three degrees of blood 
 heat. 
 
 3 130 P. M., Dec. 24, 1904. 
 
 We have been ashore. The United Fruit Company 
 sent out a row boat in which we climbed over the swells 
 for about a quarter of a mile as the falcon flies, but 
 over half a mile as the row boat climbed up and coast- 
 ed down. Getting from the lowered stairway of the 
 ship into the small boat was a test of good jumping, 
 
 food judgment and good luck. The waves as seen 
 rom the deck of the ship did not appear over three 
 feet high from trough to crest, yet the little boat be- 
 side the ship sank at least five feet from the step plat- 
 form and rose up to it again. 
 
 The insurance agent had an excess of confidence in 
 himself, as all successful insurance agents must have, 
 and went down the steps first, to show us how. But 
 for once his judgment of risks was poor. As he 
 
PORT LIMON 55 
 
 jumped at the boat, it sank out of reach and moved 
 from under him. Luckily he had a business educa- 
 tion, which teaches men never to give up what they 
 have once laid their hands on, and he kept hold of 
 the railing of the stairway. But his big body had ac- 
 quired momentum and had to go, and he swung sus- 
 pended by his hands over the water, with his umbrella 
 sticking to him and his coat tails flying, until the boat 
 rose up beside him and he was pulled into it. A man 
 with less physical strength and presence of mind would 
 have splashed down into the waves to frighten sharks 
 and spoil our excursion to Limon. The insurance 
 agent, however, did not even lose his umbrella, which 
 was not insured and which he held up in triumph and 
 exultation as soon as the danger was over. The ladies 
 saw the performance and could not be persuaded to 
 leave the ship, as their lives were not insured. Some 
 one spoke of sharks, and they shuddered. 
 
 Upon arriving at the pier we were rowed to the 
 landing place, where again good judgment and gym- 
 nastics were required in order to jump on the lower 
 platform before the boat would sink away, and where 
 good luck and agility were necessary to enable one to 
 get up on the pier before the next wave broke over 
 the steps leading up to it. 
 
 The first dock hand we saw was a coal-black negro 
 with an Irish brogue which he used freely. It was a 
 precious combination and gave me a new sensation. 
 I was sorry that I could not take the combination with 
 me as a curio. Nearly all of the negroes about the 
 pier were Jamaicans and had a quaint accent and in- 
 flection of voice that was musical and pleasant to listen 
 to. One of them had acquired a cockney accent and 
 shocked and instructed us by calling a dollar a "crony" 
 (corona}, a highball "a eyeball" and a baked potato 
 "a biked potighto." I never realized before how 
 characterless and commonplace our United States 
 
56 TO PANAMA 
 
 pronunciation really is. It lacks the bizarrerie of the 
 native London article which has been called by Don 
 G. Seitz "a queer jargon of misplaced aspirates and 
 vowels interspersed with drawls and growls." We 
 have to invent Americanisms and rhetorical barbari- 
 ties in order to outdo them. 
 
 While ashore we had hot baths in our own per- 
 spiration followed by cool shower baths in the rain, 
 the frequent repetition of which finally drove us back 
 to the ship. The rainy season is supposed by the cal- 
 endar to last from May to November, but the calendar 
 is a theorist, for we have been having rain from one 
 to five or six times a day, varying from brief sun- 
 showers to copious rainfalls. On the Caribbean side 
 it rains both in the rainy and dry seasons, there being 
 only about two months in the year of dry weather. 
 The rain, however, cools the atmosphere and the 
 earth, and renders the lowlands near the coast quite 
 comfortable compared with the Pacific side, where the 
 seasons are more sharply differentiated, and there is 
 more dry weather. Although I have seen many show- 
 ers I have heard no thunder on the Caribbean. The 
 showers come and go with such rapidity that appar- 
 ently they have no time to thunder. Possibly the hot 
 air over such warm water is so uniformly laden with 
 moisture that electricity does not easily concentrate 
 except at great heights and is only heard on great 
 occasions. But it is just as well not to hear it, for it 
 is Southern in temperament and revolutionary in its 
 methods, and is apt to radically change the existing 
 order of things. 
 
 Limon had an earthquake five days ago at midnight. 
 It frightened everybody and sent people skipping 
 around in their muddy back yards clad in flowing white 
 raiment like angels errant, but it did them no harm. 
 The following lines are copied from the local news- 
 paper: "At midnight on Monday the entire city was 
 
PORT LIMON 57 
 
 thrown into a state of alarm by a severe shock of 
 earthquake, the like of which had never been experi- 
 enced in Port Limon by the oldest inhabitants. Sev- 
 eral private houses and shops suffered, etc." At pres- 
 ent earthquakes are useless generators of energy, but 
 if they could be stored up and used to shake school 
 boys and servant girls out of bed on cold mornings 
 they would become popular. 
 
 Limon has about 3,000 inhabitants, largely negroes 
 from Jamaica, and is the only Costa Rican port of 
 entry on the Atlantic side. It is practically a North 
 American town, however, being supported by the 
 banana business of the United Fruit Company. Near 
 the wharves is the main building of the company con- 
 taining the offices and stores. Here merchandise of 
 all kinds can be bought, from that which is put into 
 the stomach to that which is worn on the back. The 
 greater part of the goods, however, come from the 
 United States and, as the Costa Rican duties are high, 
 one pays about double our retail price at home. The 
 town has a good-sized hotel, a bank, a well-stocked 
 drug store, two or three steamboat agencies, a few 
 small stores for the negroes, and numerous saloons 
 of high and low degree. The large stores and agen- 
 cies, as well as all things that pertain to politics, are 
 conducted by Costa Ricans, many of whom live at 
 San Jose and come down to Limon frequently to look 
 after their interests. Several San Joseans came down 
 just before the washout to attend to business for a 
 day or two, and will now be obliged to wait here two 
 or three months or make the trip down to Panama 
 and up the Pacific coast with some of our S. S. Limon 
 passengers a just punishment for neglecting the hol- 
 idays for business. 
 
 If I had arrived several days earlier and had gone 
 to San Jose before the washout, I should have had to 
 return by way of the Pacific coast, missing the Medi- 
 
58 TO PANAMA 
 
 cal Congress and arriving home about two weeks after 
 the end of my journey. Thus the storm saved me, 
 and was a fortunate occurrence after all. 
 
 It is also fortunate that the floods have almost 
 stopped the moving of bananas from the plantations 
 down to the shore, and that the sea is too rough for 
 the ships to take on their loads. The S. S. Limon 
 will thus be obliged to remain at anchor behind the 
 island for a day or two, and the captain will be able 
 to keep us as boarders until Monday when a big Ital- 
 ian passenger ship arrives. We have hitherto 
 been longing for dry land, but now that we are liable 
 to be put on it to live in the town where the nights 
 are hot, muggy and mosquito-ry, where there is a 
 complete ice famine, much malaria and a few cases of 
 yellow fever, we are content to remain on the steamer. 
 The captain says that the sea is the only place to live 
 on, and from the tropical, semi-infernal standpoint 
 his view is the right one. Freight-ship accommoda- 
 tions have become a luxury, which proves that luxury 
 is merely a point of view. Everything is luxury to 
 some, nothing is luxury to others. 
 
 7 A. M., Dec. 26, 1904. 
 
 The Italian steamship, our friend in need that is to 
 take us to Colon, has arrived and will depart this after- 
 noon. 
 
 Yesterday we had an enjoyable Christmas dinner 
 which was seasoned by the fact that we had gone 
 through the hollowing out process of getting into the 
 tropics by sea, and by the fear that we had more emp- 
 tiness to endure before another opportunity for indul- 
 gence would present itself. I often think that the well- 
 known and often-sought sea-appetite is largely due to 
 a making up for missed and lost meals. We had bar- 
 ley soup, fish, roast turkey, cold meats, canned peas, 
 canned corn, sliced tomatoes, strawberry preserves, 
 
PORT LIMON 59 
 
 plum pudding, Washington pie, cheese, fancy cake, 
 oranges, apples, nuts, raisins, grapes and champagne. 
 After we had filled the available space in our bodies 
 with this conventional conglomeration, to whose nox- 
 ious influence the custom of ages has rendered the 
 human family more or less immune, the captain took 
 the insurance agent and myself on shore to see the 
 Christmas festivities. 
 
 While climbing the waves in the row boat on the 
 way to the landing I noticed how well the government 
 piers were built, the posts being protected by copper 
 sheeting and the edge of the platform surrounded by 
 heavy iron girders. These iron girders were, how- 
 ever, a sad trial to the ship captains, for in bad weath- 
 er they injured the sides of the ships, and made it 
 almost necessary to wait for a calm sea in order to 
 move up for a load. The Costa Ricans, of course, 
 put these girders on their piers to make them last 
 longer and, having a monopoly of the business, found 
 it profitable to accommodate themselves instead of 
 their customers. 
 
 The warehouse of the United Fruit Company, which 
 stands near the shore, is a handsome two-story rect- 
 angular building composed of windows and veran- 
 das, the upper story being fitted up as lodgings and 
 lounging quarters for the employees. The principal 
 streets have been filled in and macadamized, and were 
 washed entirely free of loose dirt and gravel by the 
 recent rains, with the result that the surface looks 
 like rough concrete, and is as clean as if it had been 
 scrubbed with scrubbing brushes by a corps of house- 
 maids. All of the houses except two or three of the 
 five or six business buildings are one and two-story 
 frame skeletons, and are thus practically earthquake 
 proof. They could be rocked like dry-goods boxes 
 without being harmed or rendered more dilapidated; 
 and if they were rocked over they and their inhabi- 
 tants could be replaced at but little expense. 
 
60 TO PANAMA 
 
 The negroes here are much blacker than those in the 
 United States, many of them having skin as black 
 and lusterless as soot. Their complexions are seldom 
 spoiled by white blood. They are the real thing. They 
 are better natured, more manageable and more inter- 
 esting than our mulattos, who are neither one thing 
 nor the other, although in the United States they 
 claim that they are both things and have in them the 
 best blood of both races. Slavery was the crime of 
 the South, but it was perhaps a pardonable one in all 
 except one feature, viz., the mixing of the races. That 
 act was the sin, and the result is our race problem 
 a curse. The white blood of the mulatto longs for 
 its own, and the black blood of the genuine negro is 
 taught to long for what is not its own. 
 
 Vultures hopped about the back yards and perched 
 upon the housetops ready to eat up the garbage as 
 fast as thrown out. Stagnant water and dirt abound- 
 ed, but it seemed to agree as well with the natives as 
 with the big birds. The sun's heat reminded us of the 
 heat of some of our Northern steam-heated houses, 
 and our handkerchiefs were kept busy drying our 
 faces and necks. So when we found a score of ne- 
 groes gathered in the shade about a cockpit we went 
 into the shade to cool off. 
 
 The cockpit was a round space about ten feet in 
 diameter surrounded by six slender wooden posts 
 supporting the roof and forming a part of a low wall 
 about three feet high high enough to keep -the fight- 
 ing cocks within, but not to obstruct the view of the 
 sports. The surrounding space was shaded by large 
 trees but not enclosed, being merely a back yard to 
 which a wide passage between two houses led. There 
 was no admission fee, the spectators or "betters" 
 standing around the pit betting on their favorites. 
 
 In the fight we saw a medium-sized Spanish roos- 
 ter, belonging to the establishment, disable a large 
 
PORT LIMON 61 
 
 one of the same breed with the second stroke, and 
 kill it with the third. The entertainment was short, 
 but not sweet. A lance about two and one-half inches 
 long had been fastened to one of the legs of each bird, 
 the lances being about as wide and long as the small 
 blade of a large penknife, slightly curved and acutely 
 pointed. At the second jump the lance of the small 
 rooster pierced the body of the larger one, who imme- 
 diately turned sidewise and sank down. The victor 
 seemed to understand the action of the wounded bird 
 and was inclined to leave it alone, but the owners set 
 them at it again. The wounded bird made another 
 great effort, but his abdomen was this time pierced 
 by the penetrating lance of the victor, which stuck 
 fast and held him down beside his prostrate victim. 
 The owner pulled them apart, upon which the wound- 
 ed bird jerked his leg and wing convulsively two or 
 three times and expired. 
 
 I think that it was an easy death for a fighting cock, 
 although not as easy as having his neck wrung. He 
 certainly had a much easier time than the victor of 
 the previous fight, in which artificial spurs had not 
 been used. The hero stood on a pile of boards nearby 
 without a feather on his head, neck and thighs, and 
 with his bared skin swollen and as red as raw beef. 
 He had conquered in a long fight, but in the process 
 had undoubtedly had a half hour of the most severe 
 and exhausting punishment. Yet he stood up and 
 looked proudly about him, like a fighting cock still, 
 unconscious of his loss of beauty and of usefulness 
 too naked to fight and too tough to be eaten. 
 
 Having seen enough to satisfy our barbarous in- 
 stincts, and cool off our enthusiasm but not our bodies, 
 we continued our walk and soon came to a large cen- 
 trally located market such as exists in nearly all South- 
 ern towns. Here we saw negroes carrying in freshly 
 killed beef to be sold the next morning at daybreak, 
 
62 TO PANAMA 
 
 for, on account of the scarcity of ice, the butchers 
 have to sell their meat almost as soon as killed. This 
 probably accounts for the unseasoned toughness which 
 is the chief distinguishing characteristic of tropical 
 beef, although tough beef is sometimes found in the 
 temperate zones. We afterwards passed several sa- 
 loons in which the white young men of the town were 
 playing cards, and stopped in one of them and drank 
 nauseating luke-warm orangeades. Even the sa- 
 loons and the hospitals were out of ice. Our last stop 
 was at the hotel, a good-sized frame building that 
 backed up to the seashore and was delightfully cooled 
 by the sea breeze. The front garden of about three 
 acres was the most beautiful mass of foliage I have 
 ever seen. Excepting the wide paths, it was almost a 
 solid mass of loaded orange trees, towering royal 
 palms, foliage plants eight feet high, flowering trees, 
 and other plants of the richest green, yellow, orange 
 and variegated coloring. 
 
 We passed through the hall into the back yard, 
 which bordered on the seashore, and sat for a while 
 on the wide porch enjoying the sea breeze and watch- 
 ing a tame cockatoo ; a red, yellow, orange, green, 
 black and blue parrot, fully a yard in length from the 
 tip of his yellow beak to the end of his blue and car- 
 dinal colored tail. I often wonder if we Americans 
 are not descendants of the beautiful and loquacious 
 parrot instead of the gibbering monkey, for our women 
 are so ornamental, and swearing comes so natural 
 to our men. 
 
 While sitting and chatting we had to do the appro- 
 priate thing and take a couple of highballs, for we 
 were joined by some real Costa Ricans, who take 
 whiskey and White Rock at stated intervals for their 
 health, particularly when they come down to visit 
 these hot lower regions. When the time came to go 
 we drank another highball. I left out the whiskey, 
 
PORT LIMON 63 
 
 for I knew that I had to climb into the boat; but the 
 others, including the temperate captain, took the uni- 
 versal poison as the Scotch dispense it. They had 
 the advantage of long practise and experience. My 
 book knowledge did not help me in practice. 
 
 After exercising a great deal of sober good judg- 
 ment and juvenile agility, we got safely in and out of 
 the row boat and finally on board our dear S. S. Li- 
 mon. We were glad to be again on the boat, which 
 was clean, cool and provided with ice and icebox 
 meat, and were fortunate in not being obliged to spend 
 the night in the old dilapidated worm-eaten hotel, 
 which was full of mosquitoes and hot air, and had 
 undoubtedly sheltered and shrouded many a case of 
 yellow fever in the past. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 Colon and the Panama Railway 
 
 Getting Aboard the Italian Steamship A Life on the Ocean 
 Wave W. J. Bryan's Opinion The Steerage A Many" 
 tongued Englishman and Champagne Cider The S. S. 
 Limonians and Dinner A Polyglot Conversation Steam- 
 er Chairs for Beds Night Sounds and Nauseous Smells- 
 Fresh Air a Magic Remedy Colon The Formalities 
 of Landing in the Canal Zone Passed Through by the 
 Linguistic Englishman Circular No. 13 Hotel Wash- 
 ington and Its Discomforts Attractive Grounds Im- 
 possible Lodgings Sudden Departure Paying Double 
 Expensive Transportation Aristocratic Beer Get- 
 ting Something for Nothing Suffocated by Handbag- 
 gage The Champagne-Cider-Englishman Again Across 
 the Isthmus by Railroad Buried Treasures U. S. Ma- 
 rines Rhine Scenery Cutting a Mountain Ridge in 
 Two Arrival at Panama Farewell to S. S. Limonians 
 Parting without Sorrow Traveling Friendship Wise 
 Cab-men and Cheap Transportation Two and a half 
 Cab Rides for a Glass of Beer Doing as the Wild Beasts 
 do. 
 
 The Italian steamship, which shall be nameless, was 
 a large, fine-looking one when compared with banana 
 boats, and was to arrive and depart on Sunday. It 
 did so on Monday, and thus was keeping excellent 
 time for Central American sea travel. It had done 
 it manana, and every one was full of passive praise 
 
 64 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 65 
 
 which lay alongside the pier, brought our task however 
 to a most agreeable ending. 
 
 In order to avoid having our luggage examined, 
 and being taxed by the thrifty Costa Rican custom 
 officers, we arranged to have it put aboard the Italian 
 steamer without being landed. This was easy for us 
 but difficult for the sailors. They took it to the sea- 
 ward side of the ship in a large row boat which held 
 off about six feet and bobbed up and down like a cork. 
 At an apparent risk of being thrown into the sea by 
 each rising wave, the sailors made a noose in a heavy, 
 stiff rope and placed it around half a dozen trunks and 
 bags at a time. Then the derrick swung the things 
 out over the side of the small boat and up on the ship 
 in a way that frightened us, for it seemed almost a 
 miracle that the loosely bound trunks and bags did 
 not slip out and drop into the deep water. The sailors, 
 however, seemed quite as cool and unconcerned about 
 the chances of the trunks as about their own. 
 
 But how to transfer the ladies was a more difficult 
 problem for us. It was proposed that they be sent 
 the same way as the luggage, but the gallant captain 
 vetoed the proposition and swore that we should have 
 to get them in and out of the row boats, and put them 
 ashore, where they could board the steamship as be- 
 came their sex. And, in fact, after many an "oh" and 
 "no" and "I can't," and plenty of shoving and pulling 
 and catching, we finally got them safely on mothei 
 earth. The promenade from one pier to the other, 
 including a walk through the gorgeous garden of the 
 gangrenous hotel, and the final boarding of the ship, 
 
66 TO PANAMA 
 
 which lay alongside the pier, brought out task however 
 to a most agreeable ending. 
 
 As a large number of the San Joseans who had been 
 trapped in Limon by the washout were going with us, 
 the steamship was quite crowded. It had come from 
 Italian and Spanish ports and was making a tour of 
 the Caribbean Sea, stopping at Limon, Colon and sev- 
 eral South American ports, and had all kinds and con- 
 ditions of men, women, children and animals on board. 
 Sounds of many languages, English, Spanish, Italian, 
 French, canine and gallinine, chased one another 
 through the air in lively competition. We were a 
 sort of Tower of Babel crowd. The European pas- 
 sengers looked the worse for wear, and their appear- 
 ance, actions and words convinced me that "A Life 
 on the Ocean Wave" was a poetical expression for 
 Englishmen and Americans only. The song has 
 never been translated that I know of, hence other 
 nations know nothing of the poetry of such a life; 
 and I had the proof of it right there before me and 
 all about me. Wm. J. Bryan is said to be responsible 
 for the following sentence:* "There is rest in an 
 ocean voyage. The receding shores shut out the hum 
 of the busy world; the expanse of water soothes the 
 eye by its vastness ; the breaking of the waves is music 
 to the ear and there is medicine for the nerves in the 
 salt sea breezes that invite to sleep." How eloquent 
 must be the man who can talk or write like that on 
 shipboard. 
 
 The steerage was crammed with men, women, chil- 
 
 Chicago Daily News, Jan. 13. 1906. 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 67 
 
 dren, dogs and chickens; the dogs and chickens in 
 coops and the humans huddled quite as closely togeth- 
 er on their deck space. The latter were much worse 
 off because they had a little more intelligence than 
 the chickens, and realized their situation and suffer- 
 ings more fully. Some of the men stood up and some 
 sat on boxes, bundles, sky-lights and parts of the rig- 
 ging, staring blankly and stupidly about them; others 
 loitered about the narrow gangways, or reclined on 
 the dirty deck, playing cards. Women and girls sat 
 in out-of-the-way places with plates of unbuttered 
 bread and dry boiled potatoes in their laps, eating 
 with ravenous content and looking and acting as if 
 they had not eaten before for a fortnight. As the 
 voyage had been a long and stormy one, the appear- 
 ances probably were not at great variance with the 
 facts. 
 
 When finally we steamed out into the open sea the 
 big boat, which sat high out of the water, rocked al- 
 most if not quite as badly as had the S. S. Limon. 
 Many of the saloon (so-called first-class) passengers 
 amused themselves watching and criticising the sea- 
 weary crowd on the steerage deck below them, and 
 laughed loudly whenever one of the sufferers would 
 give way to a paroxysm of sickness. But some of 
 those heartless laugh-promoters got their deserts, for 
 the night turned out to be quite stormy and they 
 themselves did what seemed so amusing when others 
 did it. 
 
 The Port Limon passengers were quite gay for 
 people who were traveling over a thousand miles by 
 
68 TO PANAMA 
 
 sea, and over a hundred by land, in order to get to 
 a place that had been only a hundred miles distant 
 before the great flood of the Reventazon or Big Bus- 
 ter River. I was particularly interested in an English 
 resident of San Jose who had traveled extensively in 
 Europe and Central America and spoke French, Ital- 
 ian, Spanish and English quite fluently and frequently. 
 He spoke to every one in his own language and was 
 "hail-fellow-well-met" with all. Before the ship left 
 the pier he treated and was treated by the Limonians 
 who came to see him off, and after we got off he did 
 the same to his friends on board. In order to save his 
 head he drank a great deal of champagne cider, a 
 temperance drink which limits its ravages mainly to 
 the stomach. We put out to sea at four-thirty, and 
 by five-thirty his stomach weighed a ton and had to 
 be lightened by throwing a part of its cargo over- 
 board. By dinner time he was a changed man and 
 acted as small as before he had acted big. When he 
 sat down at the table he put on a brave and cheerful 
 look. But I could see that his bravura and cheerful- 
 ness were only skin deep, for there was no confirm- 
 atory luster in his eyes and no pleasant word on his 
 tongue. While the soup was being eaten he began to 
 look at us with that unmistakable, conquered expres- 
 sion of a seasick man. He stared at us as if asking 
 us if we noticed his plight, and when the second 
 course came on he had to capitulate. He suddenly 
 stood up and said meekly, "I think I must go/' and 
 left the table, quickening his step as he neared the 
 door. 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 69 
 
 The dinner was quite elaborate, but the foods were 
 mostly Italian mixtures and so greasy that although 
 the motion of the boat did not affect me, my stomach 
 felt, after I had finished, as if it had done something 
 wrong. Grease and sauce blend the flavors of food 
 mixtures into a greasy and saucy harmony and, since 
 the taste of fat is agreeable to the hungry stomach, 
 often make the mess taste good. This is one of the 
 secrets of economical cooking, which is so extensively 
 cultivated abroad. The mixtures, although not at- 
 tractive to the pampered American palate, are much 
 more healthful than mince and pumpkin pie, dough- 
 nuts, baked beans, gingerbread, boiled corn beef and 
 cabbage, devil cake and other devil dishes of Yankee 
 invention. Our Pilgrim Fathers renounced the devil 
 in all but eating. But the secret of the enjoyment of 
 our dinner was the fact that we S. S. Limonians, who 
 had become good friends and good sailors during the 
 mutual and varied experiences of our voyage, all sat 
 at the same table and took pleasure in each other's 
 company the more so because all around us were 
 strangers with whom we had nothing in common 
 either social or ancestral. They were gesticulating 
 and talking incessantly, rolling their R's like ratchets 
 and becoming more noisy, if possible, with every glass 
 of wine they swallowed. The ship provided, gratis, 
 plenty of cheap red and white wine, quite enough to 
 inebriate all of us if we had been able to drink enough 
 of it. Our Englishman and our insurance agent tast- 
 ed it and promptly ordered some good wine at their 
 own expense. But about the time we were half 
 
70 TO PANAMA 
 
 through eating and the passengers had drunk about 
 all they wanted, some excellent wine was brought in 
 and served free. It was better than what either of 
 our men had ordered and drunk, but came too late 
 for them to enjoy it. Not having indulged in any 
 before, I took a little and relished it. It seemed to 
 affiliate with the grease that was growling inside of 
 me, and made it feel more contented to remain where 
 it was. If our New England had only provided an 
 antidote or palliative for the sweet and sodden mix- 
 tures with which she tempts us ! But she finishes the 
 destruction of digestion by slaking and cementing 
 them in the stomach with hard cider. 
 
 After dinner I made the acquaintance of the Italian 
 ship doctor, who spoke Italian and French; and Doc- 
 tor Echeverria from Limon, who spoke Spanish, 
 French and English ; and a physician from Austria, who 
 spoke Italian, Spanish, French, English and German. 
 And as I attempted to palm off on them a kind of 
 English, German, Spanish, Italian and French con- 
 fusion, we had a dizzy and delightful time together. 
 Sometimes two languages were spoken at once. But 
 even when the conversation became general among us 
 the language was apt to be changed with each speak- 
 er, who often could express himself better in a lan- 
 guage other than that of the previous speaker. The 
 comforting part of it was that even when the language 
 changed with each speaker, most of us could under- 
 stand what was said, and only became a little bit 
 dazed and stuttery when we got to gesticulating and 
 talking too fast. It was delightful, but it was strenu- 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 71 
 
 ous. It would have been more congruous to have 
 adopted French, the only language which we all spoke, 
 as a common medium, but as none of us was French 
 no one volunteered. 
 
 After our polyglot jugglery had exhausted our en- 
 ergies and our interest we separated, and I lay down 
 on a bench and rested my brain. I remained there 
 until quite late, for down among the staterooms there 
 was so much noise and bad air and so many roaches, 
 that the cool quiet fresh air on deck was not to be 
 exchanged for that below except for the purpose of 
 obtaining the needed sleep. 
 
 When I finally concluded that it was necessary to 
 go to bed, I noticed some passengers preparing to 
 spend the night in their steamer chairs. I did not 
 wonder at their choice of lodgings, but wondered how 
 many shower baths they would get before morning. 
 To have no place to sleep more comfortable than a 
 reclining chair with wobbly wooden legs and arms, is 
 one of those sidelights of travel that books seldom tell 
 about and tourists never look forward to. Down be- 
 low I found the portholes on my side of the ship 
 closed in order to keep the waves and fresh air out- 
 side where they belonged. I sighed and climbed up 
 into the upper berth near the ceiling, for the lower 
 one was occupied by dingy sheets and pillow cases. 
 The person who had a right to sleep there had given 
 it up, and was probably outside on a steamer chair 
 where he could breathe better. 
 
 The walls or partitions between the staterooms 
 reached only to within a foot of the ceiling, which 
 
72 TO PANAMA 
 
 was a provision for diffusing the bad air and odors 
 equally and impartially among the passengers. I did 
 no eavesdropping nor had I any desire to pry into my 
 neighbors' private affairs, nevertheless I heard dole- 
 ful groans and desperate whoops that were intended 
 to be kept secret. The genial English linguist who 
 had kept sober on champagne cider was in the room 
 next to mine doing penance. Even after the general 
 noises had subsided he occasionally broke the silence 
 and started desultory responses and imitations down 
 the corridor. Finally the forced contemplation of 
 misery became monotonous and wearisome and I fell 
 asleep and slept until the morning noises and noi- 
 someness began to come over the partitions and awake 
 my ears and nostrils to a renewed sense of the situa- 
 tion. 
 
 I descended from my elevated couch, hurried into 
 my clothes and went on deck to let the close air out of 
 my air passages. The effect of the fresh air was hyp- 
 notic, and purgatory was forgotten. In a short time 
 life became worth living, and I descended to the dining 
 room where the odors were agreeable, and fortified 
 myself with a water roll and two cups of cafe-au-lait. 
 It seemed to me that the half of seasickness, consisted 
 in being stowed away in poorly ventilated and malodor- 
 ous covey holes. 
 
 We arrived at Colon between eight and nine o'clock. 
 The town has a good but exposed harbor with large 
 covered piers. Only two or three other steamships 
 were at the piers, and during the time I was in the 
 town I never saw more than four there at a time. Al- 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 73 
 
 though quite a number of ships stopped, but few 
 stayed long, which was possibly due in part to the fact 
 that the harbor afforded but little protection from the 
 terrible "Northers" that occasionally visited it. 
 
 As we moved up to the pier, its edge was crowded 
 with gesticulating negroes asking in Spanish and 
 broken English to carry our baggage but who, when 
 we finally called to them, told us to wait. This use- 
 less calling made the crowded landing place seem 
 lively and busy, although nothing was being done but 
 waiting. The health officer came aboard and vacci- 
 nated a few obstinate steerage passengers who had 
 resisted the efforts of the ship surgeon, but now had 
 to be vaccinated or be sent back home. He then or- 
 dered the cabin passengers all into the dining-room, 
 glanced at us and talked with the ship surgeon. Then 
 the custom officer called us into the parlor and made 
 us sign a declaration of our baggage. Finally, after 
 about an hour of fruitless formality they allowed us 
 to step on the pier, but held us there to have our bag- 
 gage rummaged. At the opportune moment the lin- 
 guistic San Jose Englishman who the day before had 
 drunk champagne cider to everybody's health but his 
 own, and to whom the habit not only of talking to 
 everybody in his or her native language but of giving 
 assistance and information to everybody, either was 
 an inherited instinct or had become second nature by 
 cultivation and habit, appeared suddenly, as if by 
 magic and from nowhere, and made the custom officer 
 ashamed to examine my trunk. He was not acquaint- 
 ed with the young officer, but he was as expert with 
 
74 TO PANAMA 
 
 strangers as an insurance agent, and had an extra 
 traveling experience as well as a compelling touch of 
 nature. One became his friend at the second word he 
 uttered. His mouth was so full of words that they 
 came out spontaneously and seemed to enjoy them- 
 selves on their way out. Although he had never heard 
 of me elsewhere, he introduced me as a delegate to 
 the Medical Congress and guest of the Republic of 
 Panama, and made me out so important and distin- 
 guished that the officer touched his hat apologetically 
 and hastily closed and marked my trunk. 
 
 Sanitary circular No. 13 was handed to every one 
 who landed at Colon. It contained instructions as to 
 the best way of avoiding malaria and yellow fever. I 
 have preserved mine, but it has become so badly torn 
 and soiled and wrinkled from much handling and 
 stuffing away in a crowded steamer trunk that it is 
 almost illegible. For the benefit of those who stay 
 at home, but wish to know how to avoid these mala- 
 dies, I reproduce it here. I was unable to smooth 
 out the wrinkles, however, and think that it must have 
 become slightly altered by my typewriter. 
 
 WAR DEPORTMENT. 
 
 ISTHMAN CANAL COMMOTION. 
 
 OFFICE OF THE CHIEF SAN TOY OFFICER. 
 
 Ann Cone, Isthman Canal Zoo, 
 November 28th, 1904. 
 Circular No. 13. 
 
 This circular is handed to each new rival upon the 
 Isthmuss for the purpose of instruction as to how to 
 void the disease most prevalent in Panama and the 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 75 
 
 Canal Zoo MALE-ARIA. Its cause is now well- 
 known and each one with a little care can do a great 
 deal toward keeping few from the disease. 
 
 It has been proven that male-aria is only given to 
 man by the bite of a female musk-eater of a certain 
 species (Anna Pholes). This female musk-eater 
 must always bite some man-being who is suffering 
 from male-aria and, in the blood thus drawn, she takes 
 in the male-arian parachute. Within a few days, this 
 parachute infects the musk-eater herself, and when 
 she next bites a well parson she injects her hospital 
 into the beating place. In this hospital the male-arian 
 parachute is injected, and thus the wealthy parson 
 contracts the disease. 
 
 Now if every man would use a musk-eater-bar, so 
 arranged that the musk-eaters could not get into the 
 bar-room at night, much protection would be pro- 
 cured from the disease, for while it may be contracted 
 during the day time, it is not lovely to be. Probably 
 nine tenths of the male-arian cusses contract the dis- 
 ease during sleep, because the male-arian musk-eater 
 is a night biter, and the parson is quiet at this time. 
 
 Absolute protection from musk-eater bites is im- 
 possible, but it is known that Queen-Anne is a deadly 
 person to the male-arial parachute after she gets into 
 the blood of a humming bee. If therefore every drone 
 would shake three grins at Queen-Anne once a day, 
 any male-arial parachute that has been introduced 
 to him during the day would almost certainly be 
 heeled. The best time probably to shake Queen-Anne 
 is before going to bed at night. 
 
 W. C. Gorgas, 
 Colonel, Medical Cops, U. S. A. 
 
 Chief San Toy Officer. 
 
 Colonel Gorgas is said to be a clear-headed, re- 
 sponsible man, but after reading his circular as re- 
 stored I will not consider him responsible. 
 
76 TO PANAMA 
 
 I had heard so much about Hotel Washington and 
 its delightful situation on the cool tradewindy side 
 of the town that my first endeavor upon landing was 
 to get there and secure comfortable quarters. As 
 there were no carriages, omnibuses, horse cars, dog 
 carts or elevated trains visible on the streets (only 
 steam engines and freight trains), and as the hotel 
 was only a five-minute walk from the wharf, I walked 
 the distance and hired a negro boy to carry my trunk. 
 It was only ten o'clock in the morning but the heat 
 was such that when I arrived I was perspiring most 
 healthfully, and so was the negro boy with my trunk 
 on his shoulder. I asked him to allow me to help him 
 carry the trunk, or hire a helper, but he refused say- 
 ing that it kept the sun off of his back. 
 
 The hotel had an aged and careworn look and 
 seemed to be more in need of the mild climate and 
 salubrious surroundings than any of the guests who 
 were lounging in its shadows. It was two stories 
 high, and consisted of a long row of rooms, below 
 and above, which extended in single file parallel with 
 the beach and about a hundred feet from it on one 
 side, and along a back street on the other side. Which 
 was the front side, I could not tell. Wide verandas 
 bordered each floor in front and rear, the rear (or 
 front) ones serving as outdoor sitting-rooms and 
 the front (or rear) ones as passageways from the 
 rooms to the stairway outside. Thus each room had 
 a back (or front) door and window facing the sea 
 and a front (or back) door and window facing the 
 town. At the end of the building on the right there 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 77 
 
 was a large bath-house with several cold rain-water 
 shower baths but no tubs. From the bath-house a 
 wing extended toward the sea, forming with the main 
 building an L-shaped structure. In the wing the 
 rooms did not extend through from veranda to ver- 
 anda and therefore possessed a door and windows 
 on one side only; a poor arrangement for tropical 
 dormitories, in which through and through draughts 
 of air are necessary for health and comfort. 
 
 The grounds consisted of a well-kept lawn in the 
 rear (or front) bounded, near the water's edge, by a 
 shell road and a fine row of lofty cocoa palms, the 
 conventional ornaments of inhabited tropical shores. 
 On the back (or front) verandas one could sit and 
 contemplate the ever youthful charms of nature, en- 
 joying the constant fanning of the cool sea breeze and 
 forgetting the hollow-eyed and unattractive, double 
 faced appearance of the building. The only indoor 
 lounging place was a small combination sitting-room 
 and barroom ; but as there ought to be no indoors in 
 the tropics except for protection from night-biting 
 insects and beasts, this defect was apparent only. 
 
 I found the manager busy at his desk in a little 
 office about ten feet square, that opened on one side 
 into the hotel barroom and on the other into his gro- 
 cery and provision store, from which he bought pro- 
 visions of himself for his hotel. After finishing his 
 business with the clerk, who had the right-of-way, 
 he greeted me passively, and informed me that there 
 was not an empty room in the house, but that by 
 night he might be able to put me in a room with an- 
 
78 TO PANAMA 
 
 other occupant or two. In the meantime he had my 
 trunk and bag put in a room in the wing of the house. 
 The room contained three single iron beds, two old 
 water-worn wooden washstands, worth $2.00 each, if 
 any one could be found willing to buy them, a center 
 table two by three feet in diameter, worth $1.50, and 
 two chairs worth nothing. It had neither a closet 
 nor a wardrobe, and the two windows and the door 
 were on the same side, and that side was not toward 
 the sea. For three to sleep under mosquito bars in 
 one room without an opportunity for a breeze to blow 
 through it, would have been existing but not living. 
 I did not then know that in the tropics people sleep 
 with doors as well as windows wide open, utterly in- 
 different to the presence or proximity of others, and 
 that they subordinate all other comforts and callings 
 to that of keeping cool. Seclusion is, according to 
 tropical standards, an over-refinement of our Nor- 
 thern modesty. In the tropics strangers eat, talk 
 and sleep in common and in public in spite of the 
 tedium of small talk all day and the annoyance of 
 snoring and snorting all night; in the North we 
 eat, think, sleep and weep as privately as possible, 
 annoying our friends and relatives only. But I 
 was not born in the tropics nor for the tropics, 
 and longed for the comforts and privacy I had en- 
 dured on the S. S. Limon. I wished I was on my 
 way back to the States. Freezing and its accessories 
 were not so bad after all and I would in the future 
 cultivate them, and try to see their bright side. I was 
 completely discouraged, and could not reconcile my- 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 79 
 
 self to a communistic life of this kind; so I resolved 
 to keep on the move until I found a place where I 
 could live in a civilized manner even if I did not 
 stop moving until I arrived home. 
 
 I asked about trains and was told that the morning 
 train had gone and no other would go until after- 
 noon. But I went to the railroad station and learned 
 that a special train would leave in about an hour. It 
 was organized to take the passengers of our Italian 
 boat across the isthmus to catch a Pacific Mail S. S. 
 I therefore returned to the hotel and hired a negro 
 to take my trunk back to the station. This negro pro- 
 duced a tiny dray-cart, drawn by a tiny four-legged 
 skeleton of a tropical horse and offered to haul both 
 myself and my trunk. If an able-bodied man had 
 been harnessed to it, I should have accepted; but I 
 had pity on the skeleton and walked to the station, 
 allowing the trunk to ride. I was soon booked and 
 baggaged for Panama, and was happy again at hav- 
 ing escaped the annoyance and discomforts of room- 
 ing with strangers in a strange land, and at having 
 the certainty of arriving in three hours at my long 
 journey's end at Panama, the oldest city on the 
 continent. Quaint old, cute old, historic old Panama ! 
 where picturesque revolutionists were as plentiful as 
 commonplace millionaires in New York. Panama 
 meant rest, clean clothes, baths, sight-seeing and sies- 
 tas ; and it could not be much hotter than Colon. I felt 
 like one of the world's elect, for although many go to 
 a hotter place, but few get to Panama. 
 
 I had paid each of the negroes who had carried my 
 
8o TO PANAMA 
 
 trunk the fifty cents which they demanded. But I 
 learned afterward that they meant Central American 
 silver, which is worth only half as much as gold. 
 Hence I paid each of them the equivalent of a dollar 
 in their money, or double the amount they asked. 
 However, I would recommend this double method of 
 paying tropical negroes, as it secures good service and 
 doesn't bankrupt anybody. My second negro was 
 very attentive and had my baggage weighed for me, 
 and thus enabled me to pay $2.50 for it without any 
 trouble. When, however, I had finally settled at the 
 rate of three cents a pound for my baggage and about 
 that much a rod for my fare, I discovered that the 
 delegates to the Medical Congress were entitled to 
 free transportation for themselves and baggage. The 
 negro had thus cost me $11.50 more than I should 
 have paid. He was literally a born blackleg and I 
 was a natural born greenhorn, but we were both inno- 
 cent, and doing the best we knew how, and no harm 
 had been done. 
 
 After my great disappointment with the hotel and 
 all of the activity involved, I felt faint, for I had 
 breakfasted at break of day on the conventional noth- 
 ing, viz., a dry roll and coffee. So I stepped into a 
 combination saloon and restaurant to get an appetizer 
 to prepare me for a real breakfast, for in Central 
 America, as in France, they rightly call their first 
 meal coffee and their second meal breakfast. When 
 I had drunk my beer the bar-tender asked fifty cents 
 for it. "This is too much," I thought. "If they charge 
 fifty cents for beer, they must charge about a dollar 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 81 
 
 and a half for a highball and five dollars for a beef- 
 steak. I had better get back home where I can afford 
 to eat and drink." I handed the bartender a silver 
 half dollar and to my surprise he handed me a silver 
 half dollar back. Thinking that he had made a mis- 
 take, I gave it back to him. He took the coin, looked 
 at it and again returned it to me. Then I also looked 
 at it and saw that it was a Columbian half dollar, equal 
 to our quarter dollar. I felt greatly relieved my 
 glass of beer had only cost a quarter. So I drank 
 another and made him keep the money, and he apolo- 
 gized for having tried to make me take the money in- 
 stead of another beer. I learned that beer was one of 
 the most expensive drinks on the isthmus. It was an 
 exotic from Milwaukee. It had to be brought a great 
 distance in bottles, and instead of costing two thirds 
 as much as a highball it cost nearly twice as much. 
 The regular price for ordinary drinks at the bar, ex- 
 cepting beer, was only fifteen cents in U. S. money, 
 which was consoling. I should be able to drink even 
 if I could not afford to eat. 
 
 After getting some real breakfast at half price I 
 felt better as well as wiser, and went to the station 
 and found the officials still weighing baggage. The 
 extra train was proving profitable and would prob- 
 ably be crowded. Hence I hurried into the cars to 
 secure a seat, and was glad I had done so, for pretty 
 soon they were filled until there was hardly breathing 
 space. It was not that the passengers were too nu- 
 merous, but they had brought countless bags, bundles, 
 blankets and other unperfumed traveling furniture 
 
82 TO PANAMA 
 
 all done up in hand packages, and had piled them up 
 on and between the seats. They could take them thus 
 without paying for them. We had first-class tickets, 
 but were transported like emigrants and were nearly 
 two hours late in getting off. But I did not mind that, 
 for the other S. S. Limonians were there, and we 
 were enjoying each other's company and the privilege 
 of commenting freely upon our strange surroundings. 
 
 We were hardly out of the station, when the genial 
 champagne-cider-Englishman from San Jose, who 
 had telegraphed to the Pacific Mail S. S. Company 
 to hold their boat for his party, and who had been 
 mainly instrumental in getting the extra train put on, 
 came down the aisle with a bottle of that most wine- 
 like whiskey, called "Scotch," and our S. S. Limonian 
 Englishman produced three bottles of that most wine- 
 like water called "White Rock" out of one of his 
 dozen traveling bags. So we had a Scotch treat. 
 Pretty soon nearly every person in the car had re- 
 verted to his atavistic emigrant nature, and was eat- 
 ing out of his hand and drinking out of his bottle. It 
 was quite an enjoyable picknicky experience, only I 
 could not eat. I had taken a hearty meat breakfast 
 before starting, instead of waiting for this sociable 
 lunch. 
 
 The journey of two hours was a delightful trans- 
 formation from our long siege of Caribbean discom- 
 fort. The cars had no glass in the windows, and the 
 breeze caused by our motion kept us comfortably cool 
 without bringing in any dust. The inhabitants we 
 saw along the road were as black and curious looking 
 
HUTS OX LINE OF PANAMA ROAD 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 83 
 
 as imps, and the foliage so dense in places S to ap- 
 pear almost solid; and the frequent views of portions 
 of the incomplete canal and of the picturesque rivers 
 that intersected and mirrored the tangled foliage, lent 
 a fascinating wildness and weirdness to the land- 
 scape, that reminded us of oriental tales and occult 
 apparitions. 
 
 But all is not gold that glitters, nor passion that 
 paints, nor poetry that poses. Commerce and greed, 
 poverty and death, profit and loss, had left their trails. 
 In places we saw ruined machinery sticking out of 
 the underbrush. Indeed, whole workshops were cov- 
 ered and all but concealed by the rank growth of veg- 
 etation. At Bas Matachin a machine shop with an 
 equipment worth at least a quarter of a million of dol- 
 lars and covering six acres was overgrown; and near 
 it several acres of car wheels and steel rails had al- 
 ready been dug out. After being put in order the 
 shop was going to develop a capacity for turning out 
 fifteen locomotives and 115 cars per month. Other 
 warehouses contained a million dollars' worth of 
 pumps, dredges and machine tools. Hundreds of su- 
 perfluous letter presses and six tons of rusty steel 
 pens were found among them. At Culebra they were 
 repairing 1,000 cars, thirty locomotives and seven ex- 
 cavators, besides many antiquated steam shovels, all 
 of which were to be utilized to keep men busy until 
 more modern machinery could be imported. Costly 
 chicken-coops, a horse bath-tub 15x75 feet in area, 
 and a pig pen 100x200 feet (the latter made of con- 
 crete with iron supports and a galvanized roof, and 
 
84 TO PANAMA 
 
 capable of holding 200 hogs) were discovered in the 
 jungle. Surely Panama until just recently contained 
 the greatest amount of accessible buried treasures of 
 any country in the world. In the basement of the ad- 
 ministration building at Panama are French printing 
 presses and lithographic presses, and a carload of 
 drawing sheets, which is, according to the investiga- 
 tion of Frank C. Carpenter, from whose writings the 
 above astonishing items of information are taken, 
 thousands of dollars' worth more than can be used 
 in all of the work of the canal. 
 
 During the last half hour of the journey across the 
 isthmus the scenery was hilly, and the view less im- 
 peded by crowding vegetation. The barracks of the 
 U. S. marines at Empire, nestling in the foliage on 
 the side of the mountain, made a romantic picture as 
 seen from the train, something like Rhine scenery 
 without the Rhine. And I think that the luxuriance 
 of the tropical foliage in the valley made an acceptable 
 substitute for the Rhine at that point. Better to have 
 Rhine scenery without the Rhine than the Rhine 
 without any scenery, since we can't have everything 
 in Panama. It is easier to imagine a river than to 
 imagine the scenery. But when the canal Is finished 
 we will also have to imagine the scenery, for the pres- 
 ent railroad and many of the villages we were looking 
 at will be at the bottom of a lake, and ships will be 
 passing over them. 
 
 We rode through the Culebra cut, where they are 
 cutting through a mountain ridge 300 feet high. Three 
 hundred feet high seems pretty low for a mountain 
 
COLON AND THE PANAMA RAILWAY 85 
 
 ridge until one attempts to dig through it and carry 
 the rocky debris twenty-three miles up the Atlantic 
 coast whence it can not be borne back by the torrents 
 of the rainy season. Its accomplishment would make 
 a fit subject for an Arabian Night story. But Uncle 
 Sam finds it easy. He is going to build the canal over 
 the mountain, and make his cement out of the debris. 
 
 Suddenly, long before I expected or even desired 
 it, we stopped at the city of Panama, the Mecca of my 
 pilgrimage. I bade farewell to the S. S. Limonians, 
 who were taken by the train to the mouth of the canal 
 where the pier was located and where the Pacific Mail 
 steamer was waiting for them, and started for Hotel 
 Central. One of the most agreeable features about 
 steamship friends is that there is no pain at parting. 
 We enjoy them, and leave them rejoicing, and readily 
 find substitutes wherever we go. If we meet them 
 again soon, we greet them as vociferously as if they 
 were old cronies; if we never meet them again we 
 forget them as if they had been changes in the 
 weather. 
 
 I found cabmen in abundance, all native negroes. 
 They were unlike any other cabmen I had ever met. 
 In a way they were saints, gentlemen and business 
 men, and didn't "let on." Instead of taking advan- 
 tage of the facts that the weather at Panama was 
 always either hot or rainy, the distance too great to 
 be walked, and that there were no street cars, to charge 
 a dollar for the long ride to the hotel at the other 
 end of the town, they charged ten cents. Pah I In 
 Chicago the cabfare from the railway stations to my 
 
86 TO PANAMA 
 
 house is two dollars and a half. But by keeping 
 their price down to ten cents the Panama cabmen 
 not only have killed street car competition, but they 
 get more jobs without doing any more work. Their 
 horses do the work while they merely take rides, and 
 are kept cool by the motion and entertained by their 
 customers. It is a wonder that with such successful 
 and moral business models so near them, the Colon 
 negroes can be so mercenary and shortsighted. 
 
 I like a cheap ride, but when it is as cheap as that 
 it seems like something not worth having. One can 
 take two and a half rides for their price of a glass of 
 beer. It is preposterous. While in Panama I did 
 refuse to ride once, and walked to the station from the 
 hotel but only once. The ride was worth the price 
 of two and a half schooners of beer. The distance 
 was composed of cobblestones and animated by heat, 
 and grew upon acquaintance. Walking at night in the 
 tropics is pleasurable and healthy, but by day it is 
 impossible. In the tropics one should do as the wild 
 beasts do, viz., keep out of the sun and let beer alone. 
 
ALONG PANAMA RAILROAD 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 Panama 
 
 Origin of the Name Panama Suggestions for Change of 
 Name Enlightening a Cab Driver Scalping in the 
 United States A Cure for Obesity Shirking Descrip- 
 tion of Road from the Railroad Station to the Hotel 
 Central Plaza Central Tips The Negro in the North 
 and South Dr. Frank's Opinion How the Tropical 
 Negro's Wants Are Satisfied Opportunities for Negroes 
 and Mulattoes in the Tropics Solution of the Race 
 Problem. 
 
 We are told that Panama is the Indian name for 
 good fishing place, or place abounding in fish. Judg- 
 ing from the hotel fare this might be so, for when 
 we did not have canned fish, we had fresh. But this 
 explanation is regarded by archaeologists as a fish 
 story and lacks anthropologic evidence. As to ety- 
 mology, the name sounds and looks more like Greek, 
 Latin or Spanish than Indian. Panamahaha would 
 sound more like an Indian name and would express 
 more. 
 
 One enthusiastic writer says the name Panama was 
 given to the city because it is the oldest city on the 
 continent, the Pa and Ma of American cities. The 
 simplicity of the explanation gives it weight. Sim- 
 plicity and truth are twins, and simplicity was born 
 first. 
 
 87 
 
88 TO PANAMA 
 
 A Spanish scientist asserts that the original name 
 was Panima from Pa ni Ma, which means neither 
 father nor mother. He claims that as the first city 
 of America, it had neither father nor mother. This 
 is simpler still. 
 
 A Scandinavian historian thinks that the original 
 name was Panamerica, which is Swedish. Eric was 
 cut out later, and Panama was left. 
 
 A celebrated English captain, whose name has been 
 forgotten, thinks that the real name was Panamaniac, 
 because the inhabitants were unlike the English, and 
 refers to the capture of Panama by Morgan the pi- 
 rate as proof. The inhabitants who went forth to 
 fight insanely allowed themselves to be scattered and 
 driven back by their own horses and cows. He says 
 that the English do not fear these animals. 
 
 Sportsmen say that the name is Indian and that it 
 refers to the method of fishing formerly in vogue by 
 the natives. The fisherman leans over the water and 
 agitates it with his beard and lips, whereupon the fish, 
 who can not distinguish a dark colored face above 
 the surface of the water from a tree trunk, takes the 
 agitation of the water for that made by bugs, darts 
 at the place and lands between the Indian's teeth, and 
 is caught. 
 
 I myself am inclined to cut the Gordian knot by 
 proposing a new name. With a temperature of 90 
 to 100 degrees F. in the shade on Christmas and New 
 Year's days, the town should be called Infero in Esper- 
 anto, Inferno in Italian, Enfer in French, Hoelle in 
 German, Lugar Endiablado in Spanish and Vamick in 
 
PANAMA 89 
 
 Volapuk. I suggested this explanation to our English- 
 man of the S. S. Limon as we were parting at the 
 Panama railroad station, and he said, "Go to Panama." 
 
 I chartered a ten-cent cab at the station and en- 
 tered into conversation with the driver, who, with his 
 vast fund of knowledge concerning Spanish words 
 and Panama city geography, taught me many things. 
 He was one of the few Panama cabmen who spoke 
 English. 
 
 In order to give him some information in return, I 
 told him that I came from one of the youngest and 
 largest cities in the United States, a city in which we 
 had a river whose water ran backward toward its 
 source, that the city had also built a canal that car- 
 ried the waters from Lake Michigan uphill on its way 
 down to the Gulf of Mexico, and had constructed a 
 pump that would have pumped the Niagara Falls into 
 the Mississippi River had not the rest of the country 
 objected and interfered. I told him that some of us 
 remembered when Chicago was the center of the 
 greatest Indian scalping district of the world. 
 
 He stared at me with the whites of his eyes while 
 I was talking, and then wanted to know if I had ever 
 seen any one scalped. I told him that I had myself 
 been scalped five times and was now growing my 
 sixth head of hair ; that the hair of many of our wom- 
 en turned golden yellow instead of gray as they grew 
 older; that hairgrowing was one of our industries, 
 and our horticulturists made it grow on wax figures 
 faster than it grows on babies' heads, just as our 
 builders put roofs on houses before building the walls, 
 
QO TO PANAMA 
 
 and in his hot country would leave off the walls 
 altogether. 
 
 "Do they ever begin at the roof and build down- 
 ward?" he asked, dryly. 
 
 "Not as a rule, but we often begin the new build- 
 ing before the old one is torn down, and put in the 
 new foundation and supports while the old building 
 is still inhabited." 
 
 He did not seem to know that I was telling the 
 truth, for he began to lose interest and whipped up 
 his emaciated horse to keep it from falling down, and 
 apart. So I changed the subject. 
 
 "Your horse seems to be getting very thin from 
 your efforts. Or perhaps it is from its own efforts. 
 It is tired carrying its age, which, of course, is grow- 
 ing greater and heavier every day. It ought to be 
 wired and connected with a power-house. In my 
 country we put up better frameworks and run them 
 by gasoline vapor. How do you feed it?" 
 
 "I don't feed him." 
 
 "I beg pardon. I meant to ask how you diet him?" 
 
 "He works and fasts until six in the evening, when 
 I then turn him loose and let him nibble. I lay off 
 once a week to spend my week's earnings, and turn 
 him out to grass for the day, when he fills up." 
 
 "I have it at last," I exclaimed so suddenly that he 
 gave a little start. "I have been seeking a cure for 
 obesity for years, and you have found it and demon- 
 strated it. I'll make my fat patients fast and work 
 all day, let them nibble after 6 P. M. and once a week 
 turn them out to golf, which includes both the grass 
 and the filling up." 
 
IN PANAMA CITY 
 
 Store and Residence of the Poorer Quarter 
 
PANAMA 91 
 
 "What a queer country yours is," he said, "I should 
 think that people would make fun of each other all 
 of the time." 
 
 "They do. Scheming for each other's money and 
 then making fun of the losers, keep them busy and 
 happy. But why do you tire yourself beating your 
 horse?" 
 
 "I'm working, or being worked, I hardly know 
 which." 
 
 "And what is the horse doing? If he could only 
 take the whip!" 
 
 "He's shirking, sir. I'm giving him the whip." 
 
 "Well, it's about time for him to shirk. He prob- 
 ably wants to do it once more, and has no time to lose. 
 If the poor brute could only talk, as we do." 
 
 "That's one bad quality he doesn't share with us, 
 sir." 
 
 After we had thus driven about a mile, the houses, 
 which near the station were dilapidated one and two- 
 story frame structures, teeming with Chinese and 
 negroes, began to improve in quality, and we came 
 to the Plaza and Church of Santa Ana. Here we 
 found ourselves to all appearances in an old Span- 
 ish town, as full of medieval inconveniences as New 
 York or Chicago of modern improvements. Span- 
 ish houses, churches, streets, plazas and people 
 everything quaint, curious and comfortless dirty, dis- 
 eased and dead. We passed* many hotels, but the 
 buildings were small, old, dingy and uninviting in 
 appearance. They looked more like homes for mi- 
 crobes and macrobes rather than donas and hidalgos. 
 
92 TO PANAMA 
 
 The next half or three-quarter mile was through 
 the best business part of the city where whites pre- 
 dominated. The houses were Spanish in style, two 
 or three stories high, nearly all having stores on the 
 ground floor and living apartments above. They 
 formed a solid front of masonry, slightly varied, and 
 were built in little blocks that measured about 100 by 
 200 feet. The cross streets were too narrow for two 
 persons to walk abreast, so that the only way for pe- 
 destrians to pass one another was to step off into the 
 street, and the only way for vehicles to pass one an- 
 other was to make use of the sidewalks. However, 
 that didn't matter. Vehicles did not frequent the 
 side streets, although plenty of cabs were rattling 
 back and forth on the main thoroughfare which led 
 us from the railroad station to Plaza Central, the 
 principal public square and park of the town. It was 
 square in shape and about 250 feet in diameter, and 
 was occupied by the Parque de la Catedral (Cathe- 
 dral Park), all except a twenty-foot strip of street 
 extending around the outer edges. The street was 
 also paved with those sounding cobble-stones for car- 
 riages and horses to rattle upon and murder sleep. 
 The foliage in the park was thick but, as the dry sea- 
 son had already set in, it had not the luxuriance and 
 brilliancy of that on the other side of the isthmus. 
 The garden of the hotel at Limon, Costa Rica, was 
 still the most gorgeous bit of vegetation I had seen. 
 
 On the west side of the square stood the Cathedral. 
 Its high square Spanish towers were crusted over 
 with pearly shells, and adorned with delicate, tree-like 
 
THE CATHEDRAL OF PANAMA AND CORNER OF 
 THE PARK 
 
PANAMA 93 
 
 shrubs which grew upon their venerable walls. On 
 the same side of the square was a small department 
 store. On the north side were, besides the business 
 houses, the Pacific Steam Navigation Company and 
 the Panama Lottery, the latter being the lower floor 
 of the bishop's house. On the south side was a book 
 store and the United States government official build- 
 ing. On the east side flourished a German saloon, a 
 money changer, two business houses and Hotel Cen- 
 tral. In the hotel building, and flanking the main 
 entrance or corridor on either side, were an immense 
 barroom and a small barber shop, each apparently 
 doing a rushing business. Next to the hotel on the 
 second floor, over a store, was a Spanish club where 
 cards were played after dark and before dawn. 
 
 I tipped the cabman with a nickel, equal to fifty 
 per cent, of his pay for the ride, and received a polite 
 bow and "Gracias, Senor." 
 
 I was told afterward that the tipping of cabmen 
 was not customary. The cabmen of Panama are so 
 honest and disinterested that a pleasant word is as 
 good as a tip. If only our American negroes, who 
 believe that one good tip deserves another, would all 
 go to Panama and do as the Panama negroes do, they 
 would learn to be tolerant of the whites, who wish 
 only to be served and left alone. 
 
 I do not suppose that all of my Northern readers 
 take enough interest in their negro brothers to study 
 the race question. Some think they do not have to. 
 For the enlightenment of such as do not study, I will 
 quote from a recent popular novel that was being 
 
94 TO PANAMA 
 
 printed in this country while I was in Panama, and 
 has since been dramatized. The quotation represents 
 a Southern physician, Doctor Cameron, telling a 
 statesman named Stoneman how the negroes mal- 
 treated the whites in South Carolina after having 
 voted themselves into complete political control of 
 the state. 
 
 " The negro is the master of our state, county, 
 city and town governments. Every school, college, 
 hospital, asylum and poorhouse is his prey. What you 
 have seen is but a sample. Negro insolence grows 
 beyond endurance. Their women are taught to insult 
 their old mistresses and mock their poverty as they 
 pass in their old, faded dresses. Yesterday a black 
 driver struck a white child of six with his whip, and 
 when the mother protested, she was arrested by a 
 negro policeman, taken before a negro magistrate, 
 and fined ten dollars for "insulting a freedman." ' 
 
 "Stoneman frowned: 'Such things must be very 
 exceptional/ 
 
 " 'They are everyday occurrences and cease to ex- 
 cite comment. . . . Our school commissioner is 
 a negro who can neither read nor write. The black 
 grand jury last week discharged a negro for stealing 
 cattle and indicted the owner for false imprisonment. 
 No such rate of taxation was ever imposed on a civ- 
 ilized people. A tithe of it cost Great Britain her 
 colonies. There are 5,000 homes in this country 
 2,900 of them are advertised for sale by the sheriff to 
 meet his tax bills. . . . Congress, in addition to 
 the desolation of the war and the ruin of black rule, 
 
PANAMA 95 
 
 has wrung from the cotton farmers of the South a 
 tax of $67,000,000. Every dollar of this money bears 
 the stain of the blood of starving people. They are 
 ready to give up, or to spring some desperate scheme 
 of resistance ' 
 
 "The old man lifted his massive head and his great 
 jaws came together with a snap: 
 
 " 'Resistance to the authority of the national gov- 
 ernment ?' 
 
 " 'No ; resistance to the travesty of government 
 and the mockery of civilization under which we are 
 being throttled! The bayonet is now in the hands 
 of a brutal negro militia. The tyranny of military 
 martinets was child's play to this. . . . Eighty 
 thousand armed negro troops, answerable to no au- 
 thority save the savage instincts of their officers, ter- 
 rorize the state. Every white company has been dis- 
 banded and disarmed by our scalawag governor. I 
 tell you, sir, we are walking on the crust of a volca- 
 no ! . . . Black hordes of former slaves, with the 
 intelligence of children and the instincts of savages, 
 armed with modern rifles, parade daily in front of their 
 unarmed former masters. A white man has no right 
 a negro need respect. The children of the breed of 
 men who speak the tongue of Burns and Shake- 
 speare, Drake and Raleigh, have been disarmed and 
 made subject to the black spawn of an African jun- 
 gle! Can human flesh endure it? When Goth and 
 Vandal barbarians overran Rome, the negro was the 
 slave of the Roman empire. The savages of the North 
 blew out the light of ancient civilization, but in all 
 
96 TO PANAMA 
 
 the dark ages which followed they never dreamed the 
 leprous infamy of raising a black slave to rule over 
 his former master! No people in the history of the 
 world have ever before been so basely betrayed, so 
 wantonly humiliated and degraded!' 
 
 "Stoneman lifted his head in amazement at the 
 burst of passionate intensity with which the South- 
 erner poured out his protest. 
 
 " 'For a Russian to rule a Pole/ he went on, 'a 
 Turk to rule a Greek, or an Austrian to dominate an 
 Italian, is hard enough, but for a thick-lipped, flat- 
 nosed, spindle-shanked negro, exuding his nauseating 
 animal odor, to shout in derision over the hearths and 
 homes of white men and women is an atrocity too 
 monstrous for belief. Our people are yet dazed by 
 its horror. My God! when they realize its meaning, 
 whose arm will be strong enough to hold them?' 
 
 " 'I should think the South was sufficiently amused 
 with resistance to authority/ interrupted Stoneman. 
 
 " 'Even so. Yet there is a moral force at the bot- 
 tom of every living race of men. The sense of right, 
 the feeling of racial destiny these are unconquered 
 and unconquerable forces. Every man in South Caro- 
 lina to-day is glad that slavery is dead. The war was not 
 too great a price for us to pay for the lifting of its 
 curse. And now to ask a Southerner to be the slave of 
 a slave ' " 
 
 That such a terrible description should be taken seri- 
 ously, even in frenzied fiction, is an indication that 
 the ambitious negro is out of place in the United 
 States, where he is as a man without a country. In 
 
PANAMA 97 
 
 the North he can not compete with the whites ; in the 
 South he is a dissatisfied servant. He is too ambi- 
 tious for his opportunities here. Let him go to the 
 tropics where the whites can not compete with him. 
 
 On our way home from Panama, Doctor Frank, 
 who had been seasick during the whole of the voy- 
 age down, said: 
 
 "They can say what they please about the tropics, 
 I am never going there again. Zur Hoelle with the 
 tropics! They were made for negroes; let the ne- 
 groes have them. I have said it." 
 
 I confess that for the time being I agreed with him. 
 The full-blooded negro improves and thrives and 
 finds his wants satisfied in the tropics, and will never 
 thrive elsewhere. When the tropical negro wants a 
 rest he takes a siesta, and is rested. When he wants 
 food he plucks a banana, a pineapple or a mango, and 
 is nourished. When he is thirsty he climbs a tree, 
 cuts open a cocoanut, drinks the juice, and is re- 
 freshed. When he craves riches he stays away from 
 work to spend a week's earnings, and is rich. When 
 he wishes to rise in the social scale, he marries above 
 him, and is stuck-up. When he needs an edu- 
 cation he learns to come in out of the sun, and 
 is wise. He does not hanker after social and lit- 
 erary distinction, and is satisfied. He does not seek 
 office, and is not disappointed. He does not ask for 
 tips, and they are not thrust upon him, except by the 
 Yankee-errant. When he comes to die he gets sick 
 or is killed and is restored to the impartial dust of his 
 Mother Earth and, having accumulated neither wealth 
 
 7 
 
98 TO PANAMA 
 
 nor cultivated tastes that he cannot take with him, re- 
 mains forever after contented. His life is a bit of 
 time, his death a bite of dust. The world has been 
 benefited, but not disturbed by him. He has been 
 true to his race and has accomplished his destiny; he 
 has peopled the tropics. 
 
 Look at Doctor Cameron's picture and then at mine. 
 Who would not choose mine for the negro? If he 
 can not solve his race problem in the United States, 
 he can go to the tropics, and the tropics will solve 
 him. The Romans told each other to see Naples and 
 die. The negroes have not Naples, but they have the 
 equator. It is theirs. Sooner or later they will have 
 possession. 
 
 As to the mulatto, he is more sinned against than 
 sinning. He is the product of man's interference 
 with the divine will as evidenced in God's work. Ex- 
 tremes, whether of race or rhetoric, do not blend; 
 they antagonize and distress. This new race mixture 
 is neither white nor negro. God made the negro, 
 man made the mulatto. As the blonde race thrives 
 best in the north temperate climate and the negro in 
 the tropical, the mulatto would thrive best in the semi- 
 tropical. In Cuba the lighter colored ones would find 
 an appropriate climate and congenial surroundings. 
 In Cuba there is no color line or race prejudice. The 
 mulattoes could mingle with the whites until in time 
 they would form a part of a dusky white, intelligent 
 mixed race. They would be dissolved and their prob- 
 lem solved. But they must hurry up or the race prob- 
 lem will get there first. 
 
PANAMA 99 
 
 The darker mulattoes might go to Hayti and make 
 use of their intelligence in reforming society and 
 running the government, and thus render a real serv- 
 ice to mankind. It would be a missionary service in 
 which the missionaries would save themselves also. 
 This would be easier than to win high station and re- 
 spect in a white man's country. In Hayti they would 
 in time become assimilated with the native black race 
 and become a part of a lighter colored, more intelli- 
 gent race than exists there to-day. Nothing could 
 be more simple. 
 
 If our negro will not do this (and who said he 
 would?) he must be diluted or spread out, for the 
 white man must rule in a white man's country. His 
 only hope for toleration and assistance is by being in 
 the minority. If white immigration will accomplish 
 this in the Southern states then the negro will be 
 saved ; if not he must save himself by spreading him- 
 self. 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 At Gran Hotel Central 
 
 El Gran Hotel Central Its Plan Prices Two in a Room 
 Church Ruins as Boarding-houses The Hotel Furniture 
 Advantage of Two in a Room Primitive Service 
 The Plumbing How to Break up Luxurious Habits 
 The Temperature A Walk in the Sun Baths Doctor 
 Echeverrla's Appetizer Effects of Liquor His Charac- 
 ter The Hotel Food The Venezuelan Minister The 
 Custom of Treating Cigaret Smoking, a Solitary Vice 
 A Visit to the Home of Seiior Arango Clothing an Injury 
 Panama Ladies A Linguistic Defeat Spanish Amer- 
 ican Education Influence of United States upon Central 
 American Customs Language of the Lower Classes 
 A Visit to the Southern Club Cola by the Pint Beer 
 Alcohol Versus Syrup To Bed in the Dark The Light 
 Habit Broken up A Definition of Happiness A Miracu- 
 lous Dawn and an Awakening Town The Sun Makes 
 a High Jump Southern Activity and Northern Indolence 
 A Delightful Sponge Bath and an Hour of Exercise 
 Coffee and Rolls Delayed Eggs and Drastic Americans 
 A Revolution for an Egg Reasons for the Light Early 
 Breakfast Burnt Coffee as a Delicacy. 
 
 Gran Hotel Central was the only second-class hotel 
 in Panama there was no first-class one. It is a four- 
 story stone house built around a square patio, or 
 court, about fifty feet in diameter, and is situated on 
 a corner of one of the streets that enter the Plaza 
 Central. Around the patio on the three upper floors 
 
 100 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 
 
 101 
 
 run verandas upon which all inside rooms open. The 
 two sides of the house that front on the plaza and 
 street have an outer row of front rooms on each floor 
 parallel with a row of inner ones from which they 
 are separated by a corridor. The outer rooms are 
 long and narrow with the window at one end, over- 
 looking the street, and the door at the other end 
 opening into the corridor. The inner rooms have no 
 windows, but have doors at each end, single ones 
 
 DIAGRAM OF MY ROOM AND THE INSIDE ROOM ACROSS THE CORRIDOR 
 
 opening into the corridor and folding doors on the 
 veranda in the patio. Fresh air can enter through 
 the doors only. The stairway is out-of-doors in the 
 patio, and the landings on the verandas. 
 
 Each room contained two beds, and the price was 
 four dollars a day in gold for a bed and six dollars if 
 one person engaged the whole room. However, as 
 two guests were not put in one room until there was 
 one in each, it was safe to pay for one bed only, ex- 
 cept upon unusual occasions when there was a great 
 
102 TO PANAMA 
 
 crowd of visitors in town. But the best way to travel 
 on the isthmus is to have a traveling companion to 
 occupy the other bed. One's wife would do, only the 
 isthmus traveling would probably not do for her. The 
 Tivoli, which has since been erected on Ancon hill, 
 may do for ladies but it is American and therefore 
 uninteresting. Hotel Central had a sort of monopoly 
 of the business, since the others were either tenth 
 class or unclassible, and there were no good furnished 
 apartments to let in town. I heard of one boarding- 
 house, but that was already full of permanent board- 
 ers. In looking for rooms I found but one real estate 
 agent, an American, and I could not understand how 
 he made a living without having anything for rent or 
 sale except church ruins. 
 
 When I arrived, all second and third-story outside 
 rooms had at least one occupant, and as I refused to 
 occupy one of those inside windowless rooms in which 
 I would have to sleep with the doors open, I was 
 lodged three flights up, under the mansard roof. It 
 was up near the sun, but commanded a good view over 
 the trees of the park and caught the breeze when there 
 was one. It was well that I had already seen the best 
 hotel in Colon, or I should have been shocked by the 
 rooms of Gran Hotel Central, and my visit to Panama 
 would have been spoiled. The furniture consisted of 
 two single iron bedsteads with dirt-stained mattresses 
 of certain age; a small, worn-out, dingy washstand, 
 such as are sold at auction after having been discard- 
 ed from the servants' bedrooms of Chicago boarding 
 houses ; a plain wooden bureau of the same character, 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 103 
 
 and a small, square, rough table which served both 
 as a center table and writing desk. There were neither 
 closets nor wardrobes, nor hooks for the disposal of 
 clothes. The second bed might have served as a pros- 
 trate clothes-press if the mattress had looked less in- 
 fected, or if its stains had been covered and concealed. 
 The floor was of plain, unpolished, foot-worn wood. 
 In front of each bed was a network of dirt held to- 
 gether by a small piece of antique ingrain carpet. 
 However, I was finally settled and satisfied, for I 
 had the chamber boy nail to the wall a board frame 
 holding five or six small hooks to serve as closet and 
 wardrobe. A candle was also furnished, but no pro- 
 vision made for a light in the corridor. And as there 
 was no bell to call for service, the only way of procur- 
 ing help if one were taken sick in the night, was to 
 grope along the dark corridor and go down the three 
 flights of starlit steps in the courtyard to the office. 
 Hence I began to think that there might be an ad- 
 vantage in having to share a double room with a 
 stranger; for if either one were taken sick the other 
 could go down to the office and wake up the hotel 
 clerk. One's valuables might not be as safe with a 
 stranger but one's life would be safer, and who would 
 not prefer to lose his valuables rather than his life? 
 
 In the daytime, there was a quick way of communi- 
 cating with the office, which had survived the centu- 
 ries. A bell boy, who was also the chamber boy, 
 messenger boy, etc., was on each floor listening for 
 the sound of a gong in the court. When the office 
 wanted to communicate with one of the floors, the 
 
104 TO PANAMA 
 
 clerk stepped to the corner of the court, or patio, and 
 sounded the gong once, twice or three times, accord- 
 ing to the floor he was calling, and shouted up the 
 message or information to the boy. In the same way 
 the boy could call the clerk and shout a message down 
 to him. In busy times the gong sounded frequently, 
 and as it was loud enough for the combination bell 
 boy, chamber boy and man-of-all-work of each floor 
 to hear, wherever he might be, it must have proved 
 a great annoyance to occupants of the inside rooms 
 who wished to take a midday siesta or retire early. 
 But Napoleon slept soundly on battlefields, which, I 
 suppose, were more noisy than this patio. 
 
 The plumbing was all in one corner of the building 
 and fortunately could be reached only by a walk along 
 the open air veranda around the court. It consisted 
 of two toilet and two bath-rooms on each floor, one 
 of the bath-rooms with a tub and the other with a 
 shower. The plumbing system was old and imper- 
 fect, and would have been condemned in any real 
 American city. 
 
 I have given all of this detail out of kindness to 
 the landlord, that the guests may know beforehand 
 what to expect and not give him the trouble I saw a 
 lady guest give him before she accepted the inevitable. 
 
 But I was at my journey's end, had recovered from 
 the shock caused by the accommodations offered me 
 at the Washington Hotel at Colon, and had resolved 
 to enjoy a rest. And this resolve was the key to the 
 situation, for after I had ceased to expect anything 
 better I learned that I could perform the functions of 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 105 
 
 eating, drinking, sleeping, talking, exercising, sight- 
 seeing and faultfinding with about the same satisfac- 
 tion as if in the most luxurious apartment. When one 
 has nothing to do but lounge, luxuriate, find fault and 
 get sick, then sumptuous apartments help to make 
 life endurable. But as I was busy much of the time, 
 I easily dispensed with modern luxuries, which are bad 
 habits. 
 
 The temperature was 95 degrees F. in the shade at 
 I P. M. and any pickaninny would have known enough 
 to come in out of the sun. But I had experienced 
 that temperature in the less humid and more bracing 
 atmosphere of Chicago, and so I did as people do in 
 Chicago during temporary hot spells, viz., went about 
 actively and courted sunstroke and general tissue dis- 
 organization instead of taking a siesta. I took a walk 
 on the Bovedas, which is a promenade on the sea wall 
 about a quarter of a mile long. Here it is quite cool 
 in the evening and early morning, but as there are no 
 trees it is scorching hot at midday. I also wandered 
 about among the quaint old buildings and church 
 ruins, and should have enjoyed it but for the extreme 
 depression caused by the heat and humidity. 
 
 When I returned to the hotel I asked for a bath 
 and found that they only had salt baths. As I wanted 
 a good cleaning instead of an unclean salting, I gave 
 it up and resolved to hunt a bath-house in the city, 
 although so far I had not seen a house, excepting 
 a few private ones, that looked clean enough for a 
 bath. 
 
 I met Doctor Echeverria before dinner time, and 
 
io6 TO PANAMA 
 
 we agreed to eat together during the week of waiting 
 for the arrival of the medical congresistas. Doc- 
 tor Echeverria was a Costa Rican and had been called 
 from San Jose by the United Fruit Company to or- 
 ganize and develop their hospital and cemetery at 
 Limon, and superintend all medical and mortuary 
 matters pertaining to that port, which was the prin- 
 cipal shipping place of the company. 
 
 The doctor, who had not heard from home since 
 the washout at Colon, although he had sent a daily 
 cablegram to his wife, invited me to take an appetizer 
 and go to the cable office before having dinner and I 
 could not well refuse. While we were sipping our 
 poison at one of the dozen or more tables of the spa- 
 cious barroom, he told me that after coming down to 
 Port Limon, whose lowland climate was tropical, 
 from San Jose, whose highland climate was temperate, 
 he at first drank no wine or liquor. But he soon found 
 it more and more difficult to do his work; and after 
 a time became depressed and morbid. His friends 
 advised him to take a drink of liquor a short time be- 
 fore the eleven o'clock breakfast and another before 
 dinner. He did so and his depression passed off, and 
 he was again able to work with comfort. I do not 
 know what effect it would have had on me not to take 
 an appetizer before each meal while at Panama, for 
 I had no negative experience. Either he and I, or 
 some one else and I, were always lounging about be- 
 fore meals, and it was either my turn or that of the 
 other one to treat. 
 
 In Doctor Echeverria's case I suspect that he had 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 107 
 
 become anemic and nervous from hard work, a com- 
 mon occurrence in the tropical lowlands, and the alco- 
 hol had produced a feeling of comfort in his mind 
 and diminished his nervous tension, and had thus 
 acted as medicine. A man who has a great deal of 
 active physical work to do in the tropics, and gets up 
 early and does a large part of it before eating anything 
 except a roll and coffee, is apt to feel exhausted if he 
 keeps on working during the heat of the forenoon, 
 and to actually lose strength. The coffee and roll 
 breakfast is for those whose work is not physically 
 very active or prolonged, or is done later in the day. 
 I am the more inclined to think the liquor relieved 
 him by its anesthetic influence upon his nerves rather 
 than by any curative action, because I have tried it 
 faithfully on several occasions for indigestion, for 
 loss of flesh, for insomnia and for debility, and have 
 never experienced any beneficial results. In England 
 I drank a bottle of Bass' ale at my six o'clock dinner 
 and another at bedtime for four months without de- 
 riving benefit, either by a recovery of the flesh I had 
 lost or by rapid improvement of the debility of my 
 overtaxed nervous system. I think that, with the rest 
 I enjoyed, I would have recovered my usual health 
 more quickly if I had not tasted the ale. In France 
 I drank a pint bottle of claret at the noon and evening 
 meals for several months, and perceived no benefit 
 either in feelings or in appearance. In Panama I 
 tried similar tactics, and when I arrived home was in a 
 poorer condition in every way than when I left. 
 Perhaps if I had eaten less, and drunk no liquor, I 
 
io8 TO PANAMA 
 
 might have experienced benefit from my trip, but it 
 would have meant social segregation. So I feel that 
 I have now done my duty by alcoholic beverages. 1 
 have made a failure, but my conscience is clear. I 
 can not make myself over again and must give them 
 up, let come what may. 
 
 As an anesthetic, and therefore as a medicine in cer- 
 tain irritable conditions of the nerves, I have found it 
 of temporary benefit, but not curative. My experi- 
 ence with sherry on the voyage back from Colon to 
 Panama was good, but it did not prevent the seasick- 
 ness from returning whenever the ship took a lively 
 turn. Hence I would advise those who have no defi- 
 nite ideas about alcohol to consider it as a medicine 
 to be prescribed by a first-class doctor ; or a powerful 
 poison to be taken as a means of dissipation while 
 health lasts, but not as a salutary stimulant or a tonic. 
 Liquors stimulate the stomach but also favor gastric 
 fermentation and a tendency to inflammation; they 
 bloat and fatten people sometimes, but do so tempo- 
 rarily by interfering with the destruction and excre- 
 tion of the waste material of the body; they make 
 people permanently rosy, but do so by dilating and 
 weakening the superficial blood-vessels, and they be- 
 tray the cause of the rosiness by producing a charac- 
 teristic mottled marking of the cheeks and crimson 
 rotundity of the nose, to say nothing of whiskey pim- 
 ples. If taken in small quantities during active exercise 
 alcohol may be burned up in the body for immediate 
 use, but if taken at other times it burns the tissues and 
 permanently injures them. Inflammation of the stom- 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 109 
 
 ach, hobnail liver, Bright's disease, heart-degeneration, 
 dropsy, apoplexy and premature death from some acute 
 diseases that would not prove fatal in a healthy being, 
 are ordinary fates of those who have tried to improve 
 on nature by the use of alcohol as a tonic or stimulant. 
 Impaired brain power and transmission of such defect 
 to the offspring, and thus the breeding of degenerates, 
 is perhaps the worst result. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria was about forty years old, had 
 received his medical education at New York, had 
 practiced several years at San Jose and, after being 
 called down to Port Limon by the United Fruit Com- 
 pany, had been sent by them to London to study trop- 
 ical diseases. How much his student life in the Unit- 
 ed States and his sojourn in England, had affected 
 his character I do not know, but he had that gentle- 
 ness of speech and quietness of demeanor which had 
 always seemed to me to be found only in the Anglo- 
 Saxon countries. And he had also that Spanish 
 courtesy which we seldom see among Anglo-Saxons 
 in its best form. Altogether he was one of the most 
 perfect gentlemen I had met, and it was a great treat 
 to sit tete-a-tete at table with him twice daily. He 
 greatly admired our government, and thought that 
 the faith it had kept with Cuba was a sign of true 
 greatness. We are the only nation whose government 
 lives up to the requirements of a Christian nation. 
 
 I was agreeably surprised at the hotel dinners, 
 for I had been told that I should not like the 
 hotel. I suspect that this somewhat prevalent bad 
 impression had been made by the fact that when great 
 
no TO PANAMA 
 
 crowds visit Panama, the hotel becomes crowded and 
 the service is for the time insufficient. The provisions 
 then become scanty, and canned salmon and canned 
 vegetables intrude themselves disagreeably and per- 
 haps unpardonably, although good food canned is 
 better than poor food that has not been canned. 
 
 After dinner we met Senor McGill, who was the 
 political representative and local "chip-bearer" of 
 Venezuela, that intrepid and warlike South American 
 republic that is not afraid of anybody, and would 
 rather take a thrashing than refuse to fight ; and which 
 by means of its pugnacity and pertinacity has won the 
 respect of the world. However, Senor McGill was 
 everything but what I expected to see. He did not 
 inspire me with terror. He was a slender, soft-voiced, 
 mild-mannered, agreeable young bachelor whose bulg- 
 ing hip-pocket contained nothing but cigarets, who 
 liked soft drinks and who seemed to be seeking any- 
 thing rather than a quarrel. And I suspect that 
 President Castro is not as black as he has been paint- 
 ed, and that during the recent political crises all he 
 desired of the great powers was to be let alone. From 
 his patronym, I should infer that Senor McGill was 
 a descendant of one of those scions of Highland or 
 Hibernian nobility who, in earlier days, either with 
 or without letters of marque from the English govern- 
 ment, ravaged the Spanish main, plundered Spaniards 
 by preference and others without reference, and 
 finally settled down as Venezuelan nabobs. But he 
 was not that kind of a murderer; he was only a lady- 
 killer. It seemed strange to see a McGill who could not 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL in 
 
 speak English or Gaelic or Hibernian. Yet, he did 
 speak English not that fluent, eloquent, consonant 
 crowded variation that we in the United States are 
 accustomed to hear from Macs and Mc's, nor the 
 rough-and-ready dissonance of the naturalized Kai- 
 ser- Wilhelmite ; but the soft disarticulation of the 
 Spaniard who knows English until he begins to talk 
 it, when the difficulties and duplicities of its pro- 
 nunciation and his Iberic infirmity in sounding con- 
 sonants bring to naught all of his knowledge of its 
 phonology and construction. 
 
 After we had conversed awhile in a sort of crazy- 
 quilted, downy mixture of Anglo-Spanish, he put the 
 polished chip on his shoulder and invited us to knock 
 it off, or take something. So we took something. It 
 was the tyrannic custom of the country, to be fighting 
 to kill your enemy or "taking something" to kill 
 yourself. Taking something was about the only en- 
 tertainment (?) available in the evening except ci- 
 garet smoking, which was mostly a solitary vice in 
 Panama, and exempt from the sociable treating habit ; 
 for every man carried his own package of favorite 
 cigarets and was smoking them, or supposed to be 
 smoking them, all of the time. Games of cards were 
 of course popular at the clubs, but were an expensive 
 entertainment for people of ordinary financial re- 
 sources who cared to have money for use in other 
 ways. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria had several acquaintances in the 
 city and offered to introduce me to some of them. Ac- 
 cordingly after an hour of conversation with Senor 
 
112 TO PANAMA 
 
 McGill, we left him to his cigarets and "treating" 
 friends, and walked and mopped foreheads for three 
 blocks down the street to call upon Senor Arango, a 
 prominent young engineer of the place. The heat 
 had forced the senor, who, like myself, looked as if 
 his fat had already been melted and run off, to re- 
 move his coat, vest and collar. He, of course, put 
 them on when we arrived and was thus prepared to 
 liquefy with us. I sympathized with him for having 
 to live in a country where, all the year around, collars, 
 vests and coats were physical encumbrances yet so- 
 cial necessities. Clothing is supposed to protect and 
 comfort the body, not to punish and injure it. The 
 negroes have an advantage over the whites in this 
 respect, for they adapt their clothing to the climate 
 rather than to convention. But we cannot all be 
 negroes, and there are drawbacks to being either white 
 or black. 
 
 We were very pleasantly and cordially entertained. 
 The ladies were animated and interesting, but unfor- 
 tunately they did not converse in English. In the 
 North my Spanish seemed good enough, but when 
 exposed in the warm climate of Panama, and served 
 to ladies, it became mushy and flavorless. It was cold 
 storage stuff. The Panamanians speak so fast that 
 even Doctor Echeverria, a native of Costa Rica, often 
 found it difficult to understand them. But when it 
 came to catching the meaning of the animated, fast 
 talking ladies, and then framing animated, quick an- 
 swers appropriate to the fairness of their sex and 
 commensurate with the chivalric euphemism of the 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 113 
 
 language, I was glad to talk plain English with Senor 
 Arango. Having studied in the United States, he 
 spoke our language fluently and with a soft, Southern 
 accent that was charming. 
 
 Many Central Americans obtain a part of their 
 education in the States and thus learn to speak En- 
 glish, and the building of the canal by Americans 
 will cause many more of them to study it. Indeed, I 
 think that in time the Panamanians, as well as the 
 Cubans and Porto Ricans, will become North Ameri- 
 canized in their customs and habits, except in so far 
 as they will be prevented by the enervating climatic 
 conditions. South American young men more often 
 go to France or Spain to complete their academic 
 education, or take post graduate courses, and thus 
 not only cultivate the French language, but are influ- 
 enced largely by French customs and ideas. But the 
 Panamanian ladies, who, of course, do not travel ex- 
 tensively, will now have a chance to learn and prac- 
 tice English at home, and perhaps lose thereby a por- 
 tion of their charm. The Spanish spoken by the edu- 
 cated class of women is quite melodious, but that of 
 lower class, native women, as we heard it on the 
 streets, is anything but agreeable to listen to. They 
 articulate rapidly and in a high pitch of voice, re- 
 minding one of the cackle of a hen who has just laid 
 an egg, but with less accentuation. The cackle goes 
 on until the breath is all out, and begins again with 
 the next breath. 
 
 When we arose to go, Senor Arango insisted on 
 walking and perspiring with us, keeping on his 
 
 8 
 
H4 TO PANAMA 
 
 clothes for the purpose, and led us to the Southern 
 Club in a three-story building near the plaza. As in 
 nearly all buildings in Panama, the street floor was 
 occupied by a store, which left the two upper ones 
 for the use of the club. He took us to the second 
 floor, where we found a bar and a bar-tender, but 
 no one else not even a mouse. What a lively club, 
 I thought, with nobody but a bar-tender in it. No 
 mischief going on. I did not know then, as I learned 
 afterward when introduced to the club by Doctor 
 Cook of Panama, that the reading and card rooms 
 were on the third floor, and that it was lively up 
 there where the seats and sitters were not all empty. 
 After the heat of our walk we were glad to seat 
 ourselves on the little Spanish balcony at one of the 
 windows and take the customary "treatment," viz., a 
 fresco. Senor Arango, who must have been younger 
 than he looked, said that 'cola was very nice, so we 
 ordered it. It was pop flavored with that name. Doc- 
 for Echeverria, who was inclined to be fleshy and had 
 perspired freely, enjoyed it as any hot and thirsty 
 man enjoys cool drinks, and he ordered more. Our 
 host proposed a third round, but I discouraged it. It 
 is no wonder that Central Americans take only an 
 orange and coffee for their early breakfast, when they 
 drink animated syrups in this way of evenings. Yet, 
 after all, there is but little harm in spoiling a break- 
 fast that consists of nothing to eat. Preliminary to 
 separating for the night we sauntered over to the hotel 
 and had another treat. My companions wanted more 
 cola, but I grew desperate and impolite, and said that 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 115 
 
 my stomach couldn't stand any more cola or nectar; 
 they were too sweet for my temperament, which pre- 
 ferred something bitter. The two pints I had already 
 consumed were working like syrup in the sun, and I 
 preferred to die for a sheep rather than a lamb, and 
 would take a pint of Milwaukee beer to hurry up and 
 complete the fermentation so that I might perhaps 
 get a little convalescent sleep toward morning. Moral- 
 ly speaking, it was wicked for me to take any more 
 alcoholic stimulant after having had the usual liberal 
 Panama allowance during the day, but physically con- 
 sidered the end justified the means. The stomach as 
 a vital organ had as much right to consideration as 
 the head, and the head should share the evils of social 
 customs with the stomach. Alcohol has always done 
 me much less harm than sugar, and when I unfortu- 
 nately have to choose between two devils I tackle the 
 least. The two gentlemen gave no evidence of their 
 surprise at my unceremonious declaration of honest 
 opinion about their favorite fresco, for they were 
 gentlemen. I was among gentlemen, and could say 
 what I pleased without danger of open reproof. One 
 can not always do so in Chicago and the Great West. 
 
 After they had consumed and complimented the 
 Milwaukee beverage just as if it had been their fa- 
 vorite one, we parted, Sefior Arango proposing a visit 
 to his summer home on the sabanas (prairies) on 
 the following Sunday. 
 
 I climbed up to my sublunar habitation, and as the 
 electric lights on the plaza cast nearly as much light 
 about my bed as the candle would have given, I did 
 
n6 TO PANAMA 
 
 not light up. I concluded that candlelight would be 
 of more service to malarious mosquitoes than to me. 
 In Chicago I should have suffered great inconven- 
 ience at having no light in my bedroom, but having 
 accepted the situation in Panama and having broken 
 up the light habit, I was quite as happy without it. 
 Happiness did not consist in having private illumina- 
 tion to enable me to see myself go to bed, but in be- 
 ing able to do without it. Unhappiness consists mainly 
 of imaginary wants. 
 
 There were no window-panes in the hotel, and when 
 the heavy shutters were opened up widely the cool 
 night air came in freely and the mosquitoes remained 
 outside under the electric lights, enabling me to settle 
 myself to sleep with comparative peace and content- 
 ment. My experience on shipboard had rendered my 
 sleep proof against noises, and had thoroughly broken 
 in and hardened me to mattresses that were made to 
 be cool but not to be comfortable. 
 
 After what seemed to be a short sleep I awoke, and 
 noticed that the room was much darker than when I 
 had retired. In a few minutes the cathedral clock 
 across the square struck one and I raised myself in 
 bed and looked toward it. But the electric light that 
 had illumined the dial was out, as were, in fact, all 
 of the street lights, and I could hardly see where the 
 clock was. I inferred that the one stroke was for 
 one o'clock and lights out, and wondered that I should 
 wake up so early. I turned over to go to sleep again, 
 but while turning over I thought that the room seemed 
 a little lighter. I immediately turned back again and 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 117 
 
 saw that it was really lighter. I raised upon my elbow, 
 looked out and saw quite plainly by the clock, which 
 could hardly be seen before I had turned over in bed, 
 that the time was twenty-five minutes to six. Within 
 five minutes of profound darkness it had become light 
 enough for me to see the time of day by the clock. 
 By twenty minutes of six it was daylight, and by a 
 quarter to six it was almost as bright as at noonday. 
 For a Chicagoan who had never been told or taught 
 of such a dawn, and why it was so, to have gone to 
 Panama, and then to have waked up early for the first 
 time after leaving Chicago, such a sudden daybreak 
 would have seemed a new miracle worthy of being 
 compared with the standing still of the sun in Joshua's 
 time only this time the sun had changed his tactics, 
 and had taken a sudden leap over the horizon. 
 
 A couple of carts rattled over the cobblestones at 
 six o'clock, whereupon I got up, looked out and saw 
 workmen beginning work on a new building a short 
 distance from the plaza. Men appeared on the street 
 and the town seemed astir almost in a moment. Clerks 
 were opening doors and window shutters, and one fel- 
 low was sprinkling the street in front of his store 
 with a two-gallon sprinkling can such as are used for 
 flowerbeds. It seemed strange to see full daylight 
 develop in fifteen minutes and a sleeping city assume 
 full activity in a half hour. In the North we consider 
 Southerners indolent because they rest two hours in 
 the middle of the day. But it is a wonder that they 
 do not accuse us of indolence because our city workers 
 sleep two or three hours after daylight in the summer 
 
n8 TO PANAMA 
 
 mornings, and go to work at eight or nine o'clock 
 when it is hot, instead of at six when it is cool. 
 
 My room was cool and pleasant at six-thirty, and 
 I got out my clean clothes, consisting of gauze under- 
 wear, a negligee shirt, duck trousers and a skeleton 
 coat. I felt, however, that I ought not to contaminate 
 them by getting into them until I had taken a bath. 
 I had perspired tubfuls of water since leaving New 
 Orleans, ten days previously, but had not had a con- 
 vincing, conscience-quieting, fresh-water, hot bath; 
 only cold salt ones. Perspiration and dust, rain and 
 disease had all been at me and about me. In the streets 
 and in the barber shop I had seen skin diseases and 
 hairless patches on heads, faces and necks, and felt sure 
 that, like tobacco smoke (which is visible and scent- 
 able), some of the dust, or germs from diseased in- 
 dividuals, must have been wafted about me and into 
 my hair, clothes and skin although I could not see 
 them. There was only one way out of the difficulty 
 and that was by means of baths, frequent, 
 and uncompromising, soapy and scrubby. Plenty of 
 soap and water outside, and alcohol and pop inside, 
 seemed to be the only way to live out one's shortened 
 life in Panama. 
 
 Not having a magic ring or an oriental lamp to rub, 
 I scratched my head while I wished for a bath-tub 
 and immediately found a small wash-basin. I wished 
 for fresh water, and found a large pitcherful. I 
 wished for a portable shower bath, and found my 
 hands, two of them. I preferred a pitcherful of cold 
 fresh water and a wash-basin to a bath-tub full of 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 119 
 
 cold brine. I also reflected that a cold sponge bath 
 with plenty of soap could be made more cleansing 
 than a shower or tub bath with cold water, because 
 the sponge bath could be kept up indefinitely, or until 
 one was clean; whereas the cold shower or tub bath 
 was a chilling affair, and must necessarily be of brief 
 duration and not very soapy. In order not to injure 
 the ceiling of the room below, I spread newspapers 
 on the floor before the washstand, poured the wash- 
 bowl two thirds full of water and stood for a moment 
 shivering before it, for the cool night air still lingered 
 in the room. It was a delightful sensation to feel chilly 
 within eight degrees of the equator and only a few 
 hours after the all-day boiling spell of the day before. 
 I rapidly washed my face, neck and shoulders, then 
 wet my head and lathered it thoroughly with soap. 
 In order to get the soap and dirt all out of my hair 
 without irritating or infecting my eyes, I stood on 
 my head in the washbasin (as far as my head and 
 shoulders were concerned) and soaked and washed 
 out the soap. I then changed water, and stood my 
 head and neck and shoulders up side down again in 
 the basin to rinse them. After wiping them I began 
 to feel warm and in a mood for more work. I soaped 
 my left chest and arm, then put my left elbow in the 
 bath-tub, leaned my body over it and splashed and 
 soaked off the soap, using my hand as a movable 
 shower bath. I then did the same to the other side. 
 Not being a woman, I had neither washrag nor pow- 
 der rag to wash and dry myself, but had two heavy 
 bath towels. The towel was a great success as a 
 
120 TO PANAMA 
 
 washrag in holding water and soaking off the soap; 
 the ordinary little feminine washrag is a miserable 
 makeshift and does not deserve the favor it enjoys. 
 After a long period of cold splashing with my washrag 
 and another of dry scrubbing with my powder rag, I 
 transferred my bath-tub to the floor and stood in it 
 right side up, and was able to complete the bath to 
 my joy and satisfaction with the bowl and water that 
 had originally been intended for face and hands only. 
 As a schoolboy I had been an amateur contortionist, 
 and was not disabled like most of my friends by the 
 fear of bursting a bloodvessel or straining my heart. 
 But what pleased me most of all was that I had had 
 an hour of active exercise, and felt strengthened and 
 refreshed by it. I had found an antidote to the sun's 
 deadly rays, a life-saving remedy. After getting 
 my light tropical clothes on, I felt as if I wanted 
 something more than the cup-of-coffee-and-half-a-roll- 
 early-breakfast of the natives, and hurried down to 
 the dining-room. 
 
 Early breakfast, called "coffee," was served from six 
 to eight o'clock on a long table in a small dining- 
 room. Near each end of the table were a dish of 
 oranges and a large platter upon which were piled 
 round water rolls, similar to our round Vienna rolls. 
 Two waiters stood at a sideboard, each with a long- 
 handled tin pot of coffee in one hand and a correspond- 
 ing pot of hot, unskimmed, fresh milk in the other, 
 ready to serve a mixture of strong coffee and hot 
 milk in any proportion asked for. 
 
 I found three men at the table, a young, slender, 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 121 
 
 dark-skinned Panamanian and two elderly, dignified- 
 looking, gray-haired and gray-eyed Americans about 
 sixty years of age. The Panamanian was sipping a 
 cup of coffee, smoking his cigaret and reading a 
 newspaper that lay beside the coffee cup. By the time 
 his cigaret was half smoked the coffee cup was emp- 
 tied, and he left the room one of those fellows who 
 can eat anything but food, and drink anything but 
 water. I was sure that he had not had an appetizing 
 sponge bath that morning, or he would not have 
 breakfasted on a few whiffs of smoke. However, he 
 had the advantage of me in being able to satisfy his 
 appetite with other whiffs if he became hungry before 
 noon. Perhaps he was a club man and had worked 
 his head and stomach hard all night. While I was 
 helping myself to an orange, the large, portly, digni- 
 fied-looking American at the head of the table sud- 
 denly called out in a loud American voice: 
 
 "Where is that head waiter ? Why doesn't he bring 
 my eggs?" 
 
 The two waiters immediately rushed out of the room 
 and back, and tried to say in broken English that the 
 head waiter was not there. Since nothing but coffee, 
 rolls and oranges belonged to the first breakfast, it 
 was necessary to order the eggs and pay extra for 
 them, and if one came down pretty early (as heavy- 
 eating, light sleepers usually do), there was apt to 
 be some delay in getting them. Hot fires and head 
 waiters were not usually going at so early an hour. 
 
 The old man glared at the waiters fiercely and they 
 stared at him stupidly, not daring to drop their eyes. 
 After a few moments he again broke out : 
 
122 TO PANAMA 
 
 "Hasn't that head waiter been found yet? Where 
 is the second head waiter or the third head waiter? 
 Telegraph to Spain for a live one. This is great serv- 
 ice for eight dollars a day. Not even anything to 
 eat when you pay extra for it. If you want an egg 
 you've got to fight for it nothing short of a revolu- 
 tion will make a hen lay, or an egg cook in this coun- 
 try." 
 
 Just then a waiter, rendered nervous by the, to him, 
 unintelligible thunder, allowed a roll to drop on the 
 floor as he was passing them around, and the other 
 waiter quickly picked it up and put it back among the 
 rolls on the table. The second old man who was also 
 waiting for eggs, exchanged glances with me, and I 
 expected him also to speak his mind about the eggs 
 and rolls and waiters ; but he did not, for he undoubt- 
 edly felt that the efforts of the first speaker would 
 bring his eggs also, and that all of the rolls had been 
 in dirty hands and baskets, and on dusty tables and 
 floors long ago. By way of relieving the tension I said 
 to the one who had been complaining: 
 
 "These waiters are native Panamanians and do not 
 understand United States, and how to wait on Ameri- 
 cans." 
 
 "They are Panamaniacs," he growled, "and don't 
 know how to do anything but wait. They'd wait until 
 a man starved. If these Panamaniacs would stir 
 around and do more working and less waiting they 
 would have an appetite themselves for breakfast, and 
 learn the use of food." 
 
 "I'll speak to them in Spanish. Perhaps it will 
 
AT GRAN HOTEL CENTRAL 123 
 
 start them , up," I said. So I called to one of them 
 in a loud voice : 
 
 "Camerero! Busqueme un toreador." (Waiter! 
 Bring me a bull-fighter.) 
 
 "Toreador?" (Bull-fighter) he exclaimed with a 
 look of amazement. 
 
 "Si, toreador," I said. "For que no? Es para 
 tener este naranja." (Yes; bull-fighter. Why not? 
 He is to hold this orange.) 
 
 "Pardone, Senor, creo que Vd. quiere un tenedor" 
 (I beg pardon, sir, I think you want a fork.) 
 
 "Como yd. quiere" (As you like), I answered, as 
 if I had made no mistake. "Es to mismo. Quiero 
 ensenar a estos Norte Americanos como se come una 
 naranja. Ellos no saben nada, absolutamente nada. 
 No saben ni comer ni hablar." (It's the same thing. 
 I wish to teach these North Americans how to eat an 
 orange. They know nothing, absolutely nothing. 
 They neither know how to eat nor talk.) 
 
 The waiter seemed much relieved by this informa- 
 tion and said in Spanish that waiters had to be smart 
 men, but travelers who paid for the privilege, had the 
 right to be fools; and went out smiling with polite 
 rage. A moment later the eggs were brought in and 
 the two old gentlemen were soon busy and better na- 
 tured. The milder one who had allowed the other to 
 do the talking said to me: 
 
 "I see that your Spanish did some good/* 
 
 "Yes," chimed in the fiery one, "when you talk to a 
 horse you must talk horse." 
 
 As the result of my long sponge bath, I felt that I 
 
124 TO PANAMA 
 
 myself could enjoy three or four boiled eggs, but I 
 remembered the old adage: "When in Rome do as 
 the Romans do." As we were to have a hearty meal 
 at eleven o'clock, eggs eaten now would spoil that 
 meal, or if they did not, then the hearty meal eaten so 
 soon after eggs would spoil them. In fact, the fat old 
 gentleman was just recovering from an attack of rheu- 
 matism, probably brought on by eating and sitting 
 too much. Accordingly I drank two cups of half cof- 
 fee and half milk and ate two oranges and two rolls, 
 and left the table feeling quite comfortable inwardly. 
 The Central American takes his cafe-au-lait with 
 merely enough nourishment to prevent a feeling of 
 emptiness or weakness during the forenoon, but not 
 enough to prevent an appetite for a hearty meal at 
 eleven o'clock, which is usually only three or four 
 hours later. 
 
 The Central American coffee is not only made quite 
 strong, but it has a bitter, resinous taste which is de- 
 veloped by roasting it until burnt, and then by boiling 
 it. At first I did not relish it, but after learning to 
 dilute it with an equal quantity of the hot, unskimmed 
 milk, I became very fond of it. Its heavy flavor 
 seemed to give it something of the taste of food as 
 well as being a drink. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 For Doctors Only 
 
 Barber Shops and Disease Chance for a Trust and a Public 
 Benefaction Tropical Hotel Clerk from Canada A 
 Visit to the Hospital at Ancon Beautiful Location 
 Housekeeping under Difficulties Genial and Gentle- 
 manly Doctors The Buildings Left by the French 
 Details Prevalence of Malaria Drinking Water Why 
 the People of Panama Ought to be Dead The Spoiled 
 Child Why the Eleven O'clock Breakfast is Enjoyable 
 at Anc6n A Specimen Hotel Breakfast. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria did not appear for a half hour 
 after I had finished my coffee and rolls. While wait- 
 ing for him I had my hair trimmed, and experienced 
 the pleasure of sitting in the chair next to a dirty- 
 looking man with a skin disease which had caused his 
 hair to fall out in patches, and which caused mine to 
 stand up all over, as the barber's assistant began using 
 comb and shears on him and making the hair and 
 dust fly in my direction. If this man had come an 
 hour earlier he might, without my knowledge, have 
 been shorn on the same chair that I occupied, and with 
 the same comb, scissors and unwashed hands that 
 were used on my head. I felt like resolving never 
 to go into a barber shop again, but knew that I could 
 not live up to the resolution. I would have to step up 
 and take my share of dirt and microbes and have 
 
 "5 
 
126 TO PANAMA 
 
 them rubbed in at least once a month or two, for I 
 could not trim my own hair. I could not help repeat- 
 ing that good old saying, "God made Barbarians and 
 seeing that they were no good, called them Barbers." 
 
 The proprietor of the shop was a gentle old Ger- 
 man, too good natured and old to learn the technic or 
 meaning of cleanliness. He had cut hair and beards 
 in Germany, the United States and Cuba, and knew 
 all about his business except cleanliness. Cleanliness 
 in barbers is like biblical honesty in business. While 
 having my hair trimmed and my scalp infected by the 
 old fellow, I asked him if he did a better business in 
 Panama than he had done in the United States. He 
 said: 
 
 "Ogh, yes. In the Unidet States I did a goot pis- 
 ness, yet not such a pig pisness ass here. Dere I wass 
 only a boor barbeer, but here I make much money and 
 am a pig man." He was. 
 
 The want of cleanliness of the barbers, and the 
 custom of using public combs and brushes at hotels, 
 clubs and entertainments accounts for nine tenths of 
 the baldness in the world. Barbers' brushes bear the 
 germs of baldness and badness from scalp to scalp, 
 and their infected fingers rub it in. One should always 
 go home and wash his head with soap and water, or 
 with alcohol, as soon as possible after a barber has 
 had his comb and black-bristled brush on it. One 
 should also furnish his own comb and brush, razor 
 and mug, and insist that the barber wash his hands 
 thoroughly before touching them. Under no circum- 
 stances should he be allowed to give the head a "dry 
 rub." 
 
FOR DOCTORS ONLY 127 
 
 There is a chance to make millions of dollars and 
 benefit millions of people in the barber business. A 
 trust that would teach its employees an appropriate 
 antiseptic technic; would provide combs, brushes and 
 all kinds of barbers' instruments adapted to steriliza- 
 tion by strong antiseptics or by heat each time they 
 were used; and would provide aseptic shaving, hair 
 cutting, epillation, electric vibration, facial massage, 
 baths and hairdressing, as well as clean furniture, 
 floors, hands and men, would drive the old dirt-men 
 out of the business in a short time. It would at least 
 force them to wash their hands between customers. 
 Such a trust would, of course, raise, or try to raise, 
 prices, and thus "scalp" the community, and be cen- 
 sured for it. But it is better to be scalped than bald- 
 headed, to be expensively clean than economically 
 dirty. It would constitute a great reform, which 
 should be an aim of all trusts. 
 
 How a cleanly man can go and await his turn in a 
 barber shop to be shaved two or three times weekly by 
 dirty hands, and be combed by dirty combs and 
 brushes, and have his head dry-rubbed by hands that 
 have been dry-rubbing other heads without being 
 washed, when he can do the same himself at home 
 with clean hands and implements and without waste 
 of time, is almost incomprehensible. To gaze into a 
 barber shop is bad enough. Flashy mirrors and mas- 
 sive furniture cannot compensate for dirty methods. 
 Barbers dare not use brushes with white bristles, for 
 they would look frightful before night. They would 
 have to be washed. 
 
lag TO PANAMA 
 
 The hotel clerk was a polyglot French Canadian 
 who, like the barber, the barber's assistant and a large 
 proportion of the other trained employees about town, 
 had traveled considerably before coming to Panama, 
 and would probably travel again in search of more 
 congenial climes and more remunerative work as soon 
 as rivals should come and conditions improve. He 
 spoke French well and Spanish and English indiffer- 
 ently, and was willing to talk to any one until some one 
 else claimed his attention. He fitted in his place very 
 nicely, for he possessed that complicated lack of sys- 
 tem that forms an essential part of tropical hotel man- 
 agement. He was unfailingly obliging and affably ir- 
 ritable, as forgetful and unreliable men are apt to be. 
 In giving him orders, it was always well to wait and 
 see them carried out. If one wanted anything sent to 
 one's room, or brought down, it was well to wait 
 until the gong sounded, the boy called down, the clerk 
 called up, and the message was correctly delivered and 
 intelligently understood; otherwise it was liable to be 
 given wrong, be misunderstood or be forgotten. When 
 time hung heavily on one's hands this supervision of 
 the clerk and bell boy served to help the hot half hours 
 move on. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria appeared at last, full of half a 
 roll and an orange and ready for the morning's work. 
 He had sent his daily cablegram to his wife before tak- 
 ing coffee, but had not yet heard from her. As he 
 was the official head of medical affairs at Limon, he 
 wished to be prompt in paying his respects to the 
 chief sanitary officer of the Canal Zone, Dr. Wm. G. 
 
FOR DOCTORS ONLY 129 
 
 Gorgas, and the chief of the Marine Hospital service, 
 Dr. H. R. M. Carter, and the chief of the Quarantine 
 department, Maj. L. A. La Garde. He could not rest 
 until he had done his duty as a public health officer, 
 a brother physician and a courteous gentleman. He 
 did not realize that the social and ceremonial con- 
 science of the Anglo-American race was not as sen- 
 sitive as that of the Latin-American. While these 
 chiefs would have been glad to see him, they were 
 bound up in their work and would not have taken no- 
 tice of a little delay on his part. So we drove to Ancon 
 Hill, which was a short distance beyond the railroad 
 station, and arrived there about nine o'clock. Leaving 
 the cab we slowly walked up the beautiful avenue that 
 led along the hillside through the grounds. 
 
 The location of the hospital on the slope of Ancon 
 Hill was certainly well chosen, for the ground was 
 high and the view unobstructed. The driveway was 
 shaded by "palm trees and bordered with well-kept, 
 sloping lawns upon which neat-looking frame houses 
 were scattered. It seemed to me almost preferable 
 to be sick up there than well in the dingy, dusty, sun- 
 baked city below. The medical officers certainly had 
 the choice place of residence on the isthmus, for here 
 were fresh breezes, clean, well-drained grounds, quiet 
 surroundings and a charming outlook upon semi- 
 mountainous, tropical scenery. The Tivoli has since 
 been built here and its construction must certainly 
 have given the "black eye" to Gran Hotel Central. 
 But to those who wish to know what Panama really 
 is Gran Central is the place. Those who go to Tivoli 
 
 9 
 
130 TO PANAMA 
 
 read guide books and forget; those who go to Gran 
 Central need no guide books, and never forget. 
 
 We did not find any of the chiefs at their homes on 
 the hillside; they were down town at their offices in 
 the government building in Plaza Central, from which 
 we had started. We had gone from them instead of 
 to them. These men get up at daybreak, take a cup of 
 coffee, and presumably half a roll, and go down to 
 their offices and transact a good day's office work by 
 eleven o'clock. Then they drive back home, eat a 
 hearty breakfast and remain in their garden of para- 
 dise with their families until the midday heat begins 
 to be tempered by the regular afternoon breeze, when 
 they go to work again. 
 
 But we had a pleasant chat with Mrs. LaGarde, the 
 wife of Doctor LaGarde. She gave us all sorts of 
 information from a woman's standpoint, and proved 
 to us that although the exteriors were beautiful and 
 perhaps enjoyable at Ancon, and the hospital a charm- 
 ing place to get sick and get well in, the comforts of 
 housekeeping and living constituted, according to 
 United States habits and standards, a sort of seamy 
 side of life for these hard-working semi-exiles. The 
 houses had not the places to put things in, nor the 
 conveniences for cooking and other details of house- 
 keeping that are considered essential in the North. 
 Closet room is a Yankee luxury. Clothes would not 
 dry except in the sun and wind, and if put away would 
 get wet again. Insects were annoying and screens 
 had not yet been provided. Alterations about the 
 house had to be made, and makeshifts adopted. There 
 
FOR DOCTORS ONLY I3 i 
 
 was neither running water nor drainage. But Mrs. 
 LaGarde was cheerful and even breezy in her talk, 
 just as if she not only enjoyed giving the information 
 but also overcoming the difficulties. With the assist- 
 ance of the United States she has, I believe, overcome 
 some of them since. 
 
 Doctor Carter's son hunted up the young resident 
 doctors. They were engaged peeping into micro- 
 scopes, but they cheerfully gave up the private matinee 
 they were having over their germs and, after having 
 given us a peep at malarial high life, showed us 
 through the hospital buildings. We found Mr. Car- 
 ter and the young doctors exceedingly painstaking 
 and courteous, and we afterward also found Doctor 
 Gorgas, Doctor Carter and Doctor LaGarde even 
 more so. A more genial and gentlemanly set of men 
 in a quiet American way I have scarcely met. They 
 seemed to have become imbued with the spirit of 
 Spanish courtesy without having lost their American 
 frankness and sincerity, and bore their great and un- 
 usual responsibilities with cheerfulness and modesty. 
 
 There were about twenty hospital wards, in sepa- 
 rated one-story frame buildings, arranged in three 
 curved tiers on the beautifully terraced slope of the 
 hill. In fact, the ornamental grounds were so large 
 and elaborate that the expense of keeping them up 
 was quite an item. But the French had plenty of 
 money, while they had it, and spent it artistically and 
 generously, while they spent it. And there is no doubt 
 but they built well, since the majority of the houses 
 were found in a good state of preservation, and have 
 been repaired at small expense. 
 
132 TO PANAMA 
 
 Ancon Hospital had at the time less than a hundred 
 patients, two thirds of whom were negroes, and over 
 half of whom were employees of the canal commis- 
 sion. To be laid up in those clean, well-kept wards 
 and be waited upon by those tidy, cheerful nurses 
 must have been a great luxury to the poor black dev- 
 ils. To die there would be enjoying themselves to 
 death, no matter where they finally went to. 
 
 Superficial swamps all along the Zone were being 
 drained or filled, in hopes of exterminating the ma- 
 laria breeding mosquitoes. About the Ancon hos- 
 pital, malaria had already practically disappeared. The 
 extent of malaria in the Canal Zone had been demon- 
 strated by blood analyses. At Bohio the blood of for- 
 ty-four school children had been examined and the 
 malarial organism found in twenty-nine cases. After 
 they had taken twelve grains of quinine daily for ten 
 days the organism was only found in five. It was also 
 found that seventy per cent, of the 12,000 inhabitants 
 of twelve villages along the Zone had the malarial 
 organism in the blood. This is largely the cause of 
 the prevalent anemia. 
 
 Colonel Gorgas had been appointed health officer 
 of the city of Panama and of Colon by the Panama 
 government, and health departments were being or- 
 ganized in both cities. A systematic cleaning of dirty 
 places (a Herculean task) and a rigid enforcement 
 of modern sanitary laws and regulations had already 
 been begun. The Zone commission was at work con- 
 structing the new reservoir, about twelve miles from 
 the canal, out of which Panama and the whole Zone 
 
FOR DOCTORS ONLY 133 
 
 have since been supplied with healthy water. The 
 people of Panama were using rain-water collected in 
 cisterns for drinking and washing. In the rainy sea- 
 son the streets flowed with it and the cisterns over- 
 flowed; but in the dry season many of the 
 reservoirs were empty, and there was practi- 
 cally a water famine up to the time of my 
 visit. Those who could afford it, drank imported 
 waters, such as White Rock, Apollinaris, Vichy, etc. 
 Why the people of Panama are not all dead long 
 ago is past finding out. The animal kingdom from 
 the mosquito up has preyed upon them, and the ele- 
 ments have conspired against them, drenching 
 them for six months of the year and burning them and 
 devitalizing them during the other six. They have 
 also conspired against themselves, having had a civil 
 war on an average of almost once a year. The coun- 
 try has been ravaged by adventurers and pirates in 
 past centuries and beggared by Colombia in the pres- 
 ent one. They have scarcely any developed resources. 
 But now they have run under the wing of the United 
 States, who will kill the mosquitoes for them, provide 
 hospitals to take them in out of the sun and rain, 
 make fresh ice-water to keep them cool, arbitrate for 
 them to keep their peace, build a canal for them to 
 increase their business, and will keep out the foreign 
 foe when they are threatened. If such a sudden 
 change from prostration to prosperity does not spoil 
 the child then it deserves all it gets, and is fit to sur- 
 vive. The French spoiled the Panamanians some- 
 what, and made them dependent and parasitic, but it 
 
134 TO PANAMA 
 
 is to be hoped that our influence will be to encourage 
 the development and financial independence of the 
 country. 
 
 We were cordially invited to remain at Ancon and 
 breakfast with the officers and their families at eleven 
 o'clock. The breakfast seemed to be looked forward 
 to with great pleasure and was made quite a social 
 event by them. And I do not wonder that they en- 
 joyed it after doing a good day's work while fasting. 
 Their aim was never to put off until after breakfast 
 what could be done before. They must have been rav- 
 enous by eleven o'clock. But as our blood was heated 
 and our collars wilting, we thought it better to get back 
 to the hotel before the day became hotter. 
 
 After our customary appetizer, to keep away Doc- 
 tor Echeverria's melancholy and fulfill my vow to 
 do as the Panamanians did, we went to our rooms and 
 refreshed ourselves with cold water and fresh linen 
 (both externally), and were prepared to appreciate 
 a substantial breakfast. They brought us first a large 
 dish of tiny clams (coquillos) cooked in their shells. 
 These varied from the size of a small split pea to 
 that of a lima bean, and were as finely flavored and 
 delicious as their delicate physique indicated. We then 
 had some very hot shirred eggs and made them hotter 
 with a little Worcestershire sauce, which gave them 
 a fine, tropical flavor. Then came Italian spaghetti 
 daintily served, a medium-tough nicely cooked beef- 
 steak, some juicy pineapple, too sweet to bear any 
 sugar, and a small cup of deliciously bitter coffee 
 which I subdued by the addition of a little evaporated 
 cream. 
 
FOR DOCTORS ONLY 135 
 
 I was glad that I had not spoiled my breakfast by 
 eating eggs at eight o'clock, for I was very hungry 
 when we sat down to it, and enjoyed it so much that 
 I think it really must have been good. 
 
CHAPTER IX 
 
 A Siesta and Such 
 
 Preparations for a Panama Siesta Barricading the Door 
 Interruption Waiting for the End Obliged to Get 
 up Opening the Box of Water A Fatal Tip An Imi- 
 tation College Yell Its Effectiveness Horseback Riding 
 The High-toned Boarding Stable Effect of Work upon 
 Men and Animals in the Tropics The Tramp and the 
 Rich Man Shopping Tickets for the Bull-fight Cigaret 
 Smoking and the Habit The Dusky Maiden No Fool 
 like an Old Fool Biased Opinions The War-cry Town 
 Gossip A prescription for a Bottle of Beer After- 
 dinner Amusements Ubi Tres Medici Temperance of 
 the Doctors Mosquitoes and Poetry The Night Watch- 
 man. 
 
 It was about noon when we finished our Spanish 
 breakfast, and we agreed to take a siesta and meet 
 again at half-past three. First, however, we stepped 
 into a provision store in the next building and bought 
 a case of fifty bottles of mineral water for use in our 
 rooms. My American ancestors had drunk water 
 for so many years that I had inherited the habit, and 
 could not give it up, as many foreigners do, and we 
 did not wish to be obliged to go to the bar every time 
 we wanted a drink of water, for the bar-tender in- 
 variably put something in it. 
 
 I then went to my room to try the siesta and learn 
 136 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 137 
 
 just what it was like. By the time I had climbed to 
 the top of the house I was in a profuse perspiration 
 so that clothes became insufferable and a draft of air 
 indispensable. Hence, after opening the door about 
 six inches and putting my trunk against it, I pulled 
 the bed in front of the window to enable it to catch 
 the drafts and breezes, and hung the upper bed cover 
 over the foot to shield me from the sight of any one 
 who might peep around the edge of the barricaded 
 door. After having tucked the edges of the life-sav- 
 ing mosquito bar carefully under the mattress all 
 around, I lay down with some of my clothes on. But 
 the drafts and breezes were imperceptible and per- 
 spiration was active, and I soon had to work one of 
 the edges of the mosquito bar loose, crawl out of 
 bed and divest myself of more clothes. By keeping 
 perfectly quiet I now perspired freely only where I 
 was in contact with the mattress, which would have 
 been considered a hard and cool one for any place but 
 Panama, where it was a hard one only. 
 
 I began reading a Spanish novel to make me sleepy, 
 as I had frequently done before. I read until my eyes 
 and arms grew tired, when the book dropped and I 
 began to doze off. Just then I was aroused with a 
 start by a sudden loud knocking, and upon raising up 
 and looking over the foot of the bed saw the swarthy 
 mestizo bell boy's curly head projecting into the room. 
 He was smiling like a satyr as he triumphantly an- 
 nounced that the mineral water had come. I did not 
 return the smile, but again dug my way out under the 
 edges of the mosquito bar, slipped on an extra gar- 
 
138 TO PANAMA 
 
 ment, pulled away the trunk and admitted him. After 
 depositing the box he lingered as if he expected to 
 open it for me; but by using considerable patience 
 and many forcible expressions I finally got him out, 
 undressed again, crawled under the edge of the bar, 
 tucked it in laboriously and lay down to dry, and fin- 
 ish my siesta in peace. But neither sleep nor soothing 
 thoughts nor alleviating breezes would come. So I 
 tried to read myself to sleep again, but the book would 
 not functionate. I wanted to get up and stand behind 
 the door ready to hit the bell boy's head with a chair 
 the next time he peeked in ; but that would have made 
 me drip. Besides it would have done him no good, 
 for he would never have known what struck him. So 
 I lay still. . . . 
 
 After a long time the cathedral clock struck two 
 and I felt thankful that the siesta was half over. After a 
 still longer time I began to think that the middle-aged 
 clock had run down. But it had not, for it finally struck 
 half past. After another long interval of weary wait- 
 ing, I began to grow sleepy again, when the clock 
 struck three, and my siesta ended just when it was go- 
 ing to begin. A faint breeze had begun to stir, 
 and I had forgiven the bell boy and could have 
 taken a peaceful nap, but had to keep my appointment 
 with Doctor Echeverria. Encouraged by the faint 
 breeze, I hoped, by moving about slowly and system- 
 atizing the work, to be able to slip into my clothes 
 without saturating them with perspiration. 
 
 I became thirsty and wanted the bell boy to bring 
 a hammer and open the box of mineral water. But 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 139 
 
 there was no way of calling him, not even a gas pipe 
 to pound on. So I put on my overcoat, stole across 
 the hall, through the empty room opposite and found 
 him lounging on the veranda ready to halloa whenever 
 the gong sounded. I gave him my message, returned 
 to my room and waited, pitying the poor Spanish 
 people for not knowing better than to select for the 
 siesta the only two hours in the day during which it 
 is impossible to sleep. 
 
 In about fifteen minutes the boy appeared with an 
 old shoe and broke open the box with it. I felt to- 
 ward him as the Spanish banqueters felt toward Co- 
 lumbus when he stood the egg on an end. I could 
 have done it myself if I had known how it was going 
 to be done. I now made the mistake of my trip to 
 the tropics, for I gave the boy a fee, a harmless-look- 
 ing Colombian twenty-cent piece. I had felt like mur- 
 dering him for doing his duty an hour before, and 
 wished to do the right thing now by myself. He 
 promptly accepted the money but did not go away. 
 He asked what else he could do for me. Could he not 
 clean the room, fill the water pitcher, open another 
 bottle, etc. He was as persistent as an insurance 
 agent to whom you have rashly given your age. I 
 said "no" after each question, and after the last one 
 said as loudly and emphatically as possible that I did 
 not want anything, not even him. He stood and 
 looked blankly at me with that powerful silence which 
 is the safe refuge of empty intellects. He was not 
 an insurance agent. The insurance agent does not 
 understand the value of silence. But to use strong 
 
140 TO PANAMA 
 
 terms in Spanish does not come natural to a student 
 of the language, for the books and teachers only teach 
 mild and proper words, and the Spaniards one meets 
 and practices upon use only polite phrases. So I 
 found it difficult to convince the fellow that I was fu- 
 rious. I could only be furiously polite. Yet to give 
 a person a piece of your mind is, after all, to give away 
 a portion of your own without adding anything to 
 his, or getting anything in return. Hence I gave up 
 trying to explain anything and shouted: 
 
 "No, no! Nada, nada! Vayase, vayase! Aburr-r!" 
 (No, no! Nothing, nothing! Begone, begone! Adieu!) 
 
 Then a ray of intelligence illumined his counte- 
 nance, and he said in a low, matter-of-fact tone of 
 voice, "Me voy" (I go), and slowly walked out. 
 
 But this was only the beginning of the troubles 
 brought upon me by the silverpiece. A goldpiece 
 could not have done worse. Every time I went up- 
 stairs either the male, or else the female, chamber- 
 maid would follow me into my room to tidy it or 
 ask to do some errand. Or, if I was not followed, he 
 or she was sure to open the door about the time I was 
 in demi toilette, for they always tried the door before 
 knocking. In my disgust and haste to get them out 
 I would mix up my Spanish metaphors and polite 
 phrases and stutter helplessly, particularly if it was 
 the female chambermaid with her* mature although 
 maidenly smile. As there was but one key, I began 
 leaving it in the door during my absence so that they 
 could bring as many pitcherfuls of water and clean up 
 the room as often as it pleased them, and thus earn 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 141 
 
 their twenty cents without my help. Upon entering 
 I invariably locked the door and at the first knock 
 called out, "No, no! Nada, nada! Vayase, vayase! 
 Aburr-r!" imitating as closely as possible the manner 
 of students giving their college yell. Finally they 
 came to understand, and would start away as soon as 
 I commenced. I had conquered them. But I had 
 learned that the conqueror's lot is not a happy one. Let 
 others go through the strenuous process of conquering. 
 Passive peace is good enough for me. 
 
 Finally I became so habituated to answering the 
 knocking on the door with my imitation college yell 
 that I gave it one day when Doctor Echeverria 
 knocked, and thus frightened him away. He asked 
 me afterward with whom I was having words he had 
 never heard one of our college yells. So I told him 
 the whole story, and asked him the best course to pur- 
 sue with mestizo boys and musty old maids. He told 
 me to have faith, hope and charity, but most of all 
 hope to order them around a great deal in order 
 to show that I expected service and was going to pay 
 for it, but not to fee them until the day of my depar- 
 ture. We followed out this plan with our table 
 waiter and obtained good service. As in doing every- 
 thing else, a man who gives tips should learn how. 
 
 When at last my toilet was finished I went down to 
 the office with a good color and a moist skin. Doctor 
 Echeverria and Sefior McGill had been awaiting me 
 for some time, and thought that I must have slept 
 long and well during my siesta. 
 
 Sefior McGill was fond of horses, in accordance 
 
142 TO PANAMA 
 
 with the prevalent fashion among Panama bachelors 
 who, in lieu of taking a wife, were in the habit of 
 taking a horseback ride every afternoon. And the 
 ladies smiled upon them, apparently in approval. Af- 
 ter we had been to the cable office to send the doctor's 
 cablegram to his wife at San Jose, the senor took us 
 to the highest-toned boarding stable in town, where 
 were kept eight so-called fine horses. He admired 
 them greatly and pointed out one or two good quali- 
 ties in two or three of them. But I picked out three 
 or four bad points in five or six of them, and told 
 him that, as a bachelor and lover of horses, he should 
 neither accept a horse nor a wife without asking some 
 one with experience to point out their bad qualities, 
 since good qualities could be overcome, but bad ones 
 never. The fine (?) horses were imported, the best 
 and largest one from Brazil; yet even that one, al- 
 though of heavy Percheron shape, was rather small 
 and scrubby, a work horse but not big enough to 
 work. The tropics may be a good place for wild ani- 
 mals who take their exercise by night, and domestic 
 animals who do not take any; but animals and men 
 who habitually do active hard work, develop poorly 
 and degenerate rapidly. If a man or an animal, how- 
 ever, does not and will not work, the tropics are the 
 place for him. An amount of active work that is nec- 
 essary to keep a man well and in working order in 
 Chicago would soon kill a white man in Panama, 
 while an amount of inactivity that would make a 
 man sick in Chicago does him good there. 
 
 Tramps should go to Panama and by lying fallow 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 143 
 
 renew the exhausted and dissipated physical stock of 
 their ancestry. There they can feast on the plentiful 
 bananas, pineapples, mangoes, papayas and breadfruit, 
 take siestas under inviting palm trees, and lodge cheap- 
 ly under wayside wagons, or in dried mudholes, ac- 
 cording to the season. They need not toil, neither need 
 they spin, yet not Solomon with all his wives to keep 
 his house from him ever took the comfort they can 
 take. Never to be cold or hungry, nor to be re- 
 proached for improvidence, nor be brought to want 
 for not working, nor to be dependent upon saloons 
 and jails to keep from starving and freezing; such is 
 the paradise awaiting them on the isthmus. 
 
 Only the rich man can not take advantage of, the 
 conditions in Panama. The waiters are not well 
 enough trained, the first breakfast is too skimpy, ex- 
 tras are too difficult to procure, furniture is too un- 
 comfortable, perspiration too wet, etc. The rich man 
 starves, tires out, gets sick and has to return to the 
 North, with its steam-heated houses and complex cui- 
 sine, to save his life and live in comfort if the rich 
 ever do live in comfort. Some think they do, but they 
 don't although they might easily learn how from 
 their servants. 
 
 We shopped a little, buying Porto Rican straw hats, 
 duck trousers and other thin clothes, and found the 
 prices about the same as those in the United States 
 for similar articles of good quality, but much cheaper 
 than in Costa Rica. Although the tickets were not 
 yet on sale, we engaged seats for the bull-fight that 
 was to take place Sunday, January 1st. I had never 
 
144 TO PANAMA 
 
 seen a bull-fight, although I often had wished to. I 
 did not hanker after the so-called entertainment, but 
 as a student of the Spanish people and of their litera- 
 ture I considered it a ceremony of educational and 
 emotional value. We had intended visiting some of 
 the Chinese silk and curio stores, but the general cus- 
 tom of closing at about five o'clock made it necessary 
 to postpone this part of it. As we were four or five 
 blocks from home, my companions insisted upon tak- 
 ing a cab to the hotel. I preferred walking, which 
 was better for the health, but being in Panama had 
 to do as the Panamanians did. The five-minute ride, 
 however, cooled us off and made us feel better, show- 
 ing that the end justified the means. 
 
 During our walk and ride Senor McGill kept light- 
 ing cigarets and would have kept us doing the same 
 if we had not refused. Doctor Echeverria did not 
 smoke and I only smoked cigars. The sefior was, 
 however, very moderate for a South American, for 
 he only smoked about a dozen cigarets during the af- 
 ternoon. One of our delegates, a physician from San 
 Salvador, said that he smoked about seventy-five a 
 day, and that many of his acquaintances did likewise. 
 It serves to keep men occupied, just as embroidering 
 and knitting serve to keep women occupied. As the 
 tobacco in the Central and South American cigaret is 
 very black and much stronger than in those made in 
 the United States, I should say that seventy-five of 
 the former would equal about a hundred and fifty of 
 the latter in its effect upon the nerves. Evolution can 
 go no farther. Such consummate cigaret fiends are 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 145 
 
 however not common in the United States. Yet the 
 habit seems to influence men badly whether they 
 smoke strong or weak tobacco. The practice of smok- 
 ing often, seems to grow on them until finally they 
 want to light a cigaret every time they meet a friend 
 or have a moment of leisure. They light one every 
 time they sit down, again when they get up, and every 
 time they hear news or wish to impart news to others. 
 One can keep tab on their feelings and impressions 
 and intentions by watching their cigaret play. The 
 habit leads them to give way to their impulses and 
 inclinations without resistance, and they finally get 
 to smoking automatically, without thinking about it 
 and without really enjoying it. They smoke with the 
 same kind of nervous satisfaction that Napoleon 
 walked the floor when he dictated correspondence, 
 and with correspondingly direful results. It affects 
 themselves and their friends, however, instead of their 
 foes, for it keeps them smelling worse than a groom. 
 The habitual cigaret smoker habitually smells. There 
 is only one worse habit, and that is to go about pub- 
 licly sucking an old pipe. This hurts every one with- 
 in sight. 
 
 Senor McGill left us at the hotel, and the doctor 
 and I went to our rooms to replace wilted linen. I 
 had just removed my coat and collar, and was pulling 
 my outer shirt over my head when the dusky maiden 
 of many seasons came in to fix my room. I got a 
 glimpse of her in time, and pulled the garment down 
 with a jerk and cried, "Get out! Scat! Don't you 
 know better than to frighten a man to death in this 
 10 
 
146 TO PANAMA 
 
 way?" I hadn't time to compose anything but plain 
 English. 
 
 "Si, senor!" she said, as she started for the water 
 pitcher. 
 
 "You've seen enough. Get out, I say." 
 She merely smiled in a matter-of-fact way as if to 
 say, "Don't mention it. I'll excuse it this time." 
 Tropical women seem to know that men have no mod- 
 esty. 
 
 I was too nervous to speak Spanish, and she was 
 too stupid to guess what my English meant, so I 
 pointed sternly at the door. She looked at my out- 
 stretched arm and, seeing no weapon in it, smiled 
 again and said, "Si, senor!" 
 
 Finally I got the combination and shouted: 
 "No, no! Nada, nada! Vayase, vayase! Aburr-r!" 
 The formula was effective, for she stared at me 
 with an expression of petticoat dignity and pop-eyed 
 wonder which said plainer than words, "There is no 
 fool like an old fool," and walked out. She must 
 have thought that changing garments was a public 
 ceremony, like snoring and seasickness. It was the 
 last time I was caught with my door unlocked. 
 
 After securing the door, I talked to the looking- 
 glass and washstand until I was dressed. I wondered 
 if the terrifying loneliness of the arctic regions was as 
 hard on the nerves as the terrible sociability of the 
 tropics. I found myself arguing with poor Weinin- 
 ger, who committed suicide at the age of twenty-three. 
 He said that woman was mere matter that could as- 
 sume any shape. But this one was merely a mass of 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 147 
 
 petticoat that couldn't assume any shape. Another 
 man, who has not yet committed suicide, said that 
 woman's face was the most beautiful thing in the 
 world he had not seen them all. 
 
 All of the officials and local celebrities excepting 
 President Amador, Mr. Wallace and Mr. Barrett were 
 in the habit of stopping at the hotel on their way, or 
 out of their way, home after business hours, or on 
 their way from home after dinner, thus rendering 
 the hotel corridor and barroom quite animated, and, 
 of course, quite interesting to a stranger; so I went 
 down-stairs to seek solace and safety in a crowd. Af- 
 ter listening awhile to General Jeffries, who had 
 fought in nearly all of the Central American repub- 
 lics, and who had the right of way in Panama; and 
 to an American contract agent who was attending to 
 the building up of Central America and Cuba on 
 North American lines; as well as to other more dis- 
 tinctly local celebrities, discuss the conditions and 
 prospects of the little republic, I was invited to take 
 a bottle of beer with one of those typical United States 
 old gentleman whom I had found ordering eggs for 
 their early breakfast on the first morning after my 
 arrival and who were making things so lively for the 
 waiters. It was the quiet one who had allowed his 
 large, formidable, rheumatic friend to fight the "Bat- 
 tle of the Eggs" for him. But it was now his turn to 
 complain. The eggs had done their work, and the 
 problem was how to get rid of eggs instead of how 
 to get eggs. He had not lived as Panamanians did, 
 and was not willing to die as they did when they 
 
148 TO PANAMA 
 
 transgressed. I should have been much more willing 
 to advise him if he had drunk my beer instead of 
 making me drink it, but I could not offend him by 
 refusing the most expensive treat next to champagne 
 and, to my thinking, a better ( ?), pleasanter and less 
 poisonous one. I really wanted to take imported bot- 
 tled water, but I feared to- offend him by making him 
 pay fifty cents for a drink of water, when beer could 
 be had for the same price. I gave him the prescrip- 
 tion of my old professor, Dr. N. S. Davis, who lived 
 to be eighty-five years old and always used it upon 
 himself when similarly affected, viz., "R. Take neith- 
 er food nor medicine until your stomach is all right 
 again." Doctor Davis included all alcoholics in this 
 prohibition of medicine, but I said nothing to my pa- 
 tient about that. It would have disgusted him with 
 me. 
 
 Pretty soon Doctor Echeverria and Senor McGill 
 appeared, and we dutifully proceeded to take an 
 aperitif preparatoire, for it was half after six and we 
 would have to face a formidable bill of fare at seven. 
 In a colder climate active exercise would have been 
 considered a better appetizer for a hearty meal, but in 
 hot climates an alcoholic stimulant is considered more 
 enjoyable and quite efficacious. Senor McGill had 
 even less the figure and fogosity of a high-liver than 
 he had of a warrior, but he took something genuine, 
 and went out to dinner with us and did himself honor, 
 drinking iced claret in place of water. After dinner 
 we returned to the hotel corridor and barroom and 
 spent the evening talking and treating all three of 
 
A SIESTA AND SUCH 149 
 
 us, excepting Doctor Echeverria and myself, smoking 
 cigarets. 
 
 "Ubi ires medici, ibi duo athei." 
 
 I learned that on Thursday evenings from eight to 
 ten o'clock a public concert was given in the open air 
 at Plaza Santa Ana, and one on Sunday evenings in 
 the Parque del Catedral in front of our hotel. On 
 other evenings there were about three things for the 
 Panamanians to choose between, viz., to stay at home, 
 undress and keep cool; to go to one of the clubs and 
 play cards; or to lounge about the hotel and talk and 
 drink alcoholic liquors or syrupy soft drinks (fres- 
 coes') at regular intervals. I met Doctor Cook of 
 Panama; Doctor Calvo, the secretary of the Pana- 
 manian Medical Congress; Doctor Tomaselli, one of 
 the busiest of the local practitioners, and other physi- 
 cians, as well as a few non-professional citizens, and 
 noticed that these physicians, as well as a few unpro- 
 fessional citizens, avoided the barroom. They usually 
 remained in the hotel corridor and did not remain long. 
 Nearly all of the temperance men, however, drank 
 soft drinks, and they were real men as far as exter- 
 nals indicated. 
 
 About nine o'clock Doctor Echeverria went out to 
 call upon some friends, and I went across the street 
 into the park and cooled off. The mosquitoes soon 
 began to congregate, however, and I sneaked up to 
 my bedroom, escaping the argus-eyed bell boy and 
 bully girl. I locked the door quickly, undressed in 
 the dark and after carefully tucking in the edges of 
 the mosquito bar, crawled under it, thinking of Bry- 
 ant's stanzas addressed to the mosquito. 
 
150 TO PANAMA 
 
 Beneath the rushes was thy cradle swung, 
 
 And when at length thy gauzy wings grew strong, 
 
 Abroad to gentle airs their folds were flung, 
 Rose in the sky, and bore thee soft along. 
 
 The south wind breathed to waft thee on thy way 
 And danced and shone beneath the billowy bay. 
 
 Calm rose afar the city spires, and thence 
 
 Came the deep murmur of its throngs of men, 
 
 And as its grateful odors met thy sense, 
 
 They seemed the perfumes of thy native fen. 
 
 Fair lay its crowded streets, and at the sight 
 Thy tiny song grew shriller with delight. 
 
 I lay listening to the cathedral clock strike the hours 
 and half-hours. Every time the clock struck during 
 the night, the night watchman blew his whistle to 
 awaken people and remind them that he was awake. 
 Chicago policemen wake up their headquarters only. 
 The promptitude of the whistling made one of our 
 doctors think that the whistling was done by the clock, 
 and was to awaken the watchman only. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 About Town 
 
 Early Breakfast The "Gentleman of the Eggs" Again 
 How to Eat the Juice of an Orange Panama Shops 
 Chinese Silks and Curios Purchases Trying to Beat 
 Down a Chinaman's Price The Market Chinatown 
 Assortment of Smells Chinese Style A Large Stock 
 The Doctor's Extravagance Idleness the Cause of In- 
 judicious Buying Another Lesson in Siestas The dolce 
 far niente of It Another Interruption Nada, Nada! 
 New Year's Resolutions The Usual Visit to the Cable 
 Office Las Lonely Bovedas Extension of Sewers to Low 
 Water Line The Odor Worse than the Poison The 
 Remedy The Prison The Barracks Goats Versus 
 Cows Narrow Streets and Ruins Chicago Again in the 
 Lead Unserviceable Sidewalks Rich Food Eaten in 
 the Tropics The Promenade Concert Costumes and 
 Customs. 
 
 At coffee I found the portly old "Gentleman of the 
 Eggs" in his place at the head of the table, as confi- 
 dent and contented as a successful South American 
 revolutionist. Things were going his way beefsteak, 
 fried potatoes, camareros and congestion. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria came in and showed me how to 
 peel and eat an orange. He thrust a sharp-pronged 
 fork into one end, peeled it with a sharp table knife 
 the same as one pares an apple and began biting into 
 it. After finishing it, all of the fibrous portion re- 
 
 151 
 
152 TO PANAMA 
 
 mained on the fork and the juice only had been eaten. 
 This is the way a fluid can be eaten. The old gentle- 
 man looked askance at the performance as if he con- 
 sidered it a foreign fraud, but did not alarm those 
 who were not looking at him; and everything went 
 well. 
 
 After coffee we sent a cablegram to the doctor's 
 wife, and proceeded to hunt up a Chinese store. All 
 stores in Panama are, in point of size, shops, for al- 
 though some of them have a frontage of twenty-five 
 feet, in a few instances of fifty feet, they are shallow, 
 the great majority being not more than twenty-five 
 feet deep. Thus the stores as well as the streets are 
 mere bumping places. 
 
 The duties on silk and, I believe, on nearly all goods 
 are low. Hence, although scarcely anything is manu- 
 factured or made in Panama, the prices are usually 
 moderate. But so many things are imported from the 
 United States that I had to be careful not to buy goods 
 that had been brought from the United States. In 
 such cases I would pay the increased prices resulting 
 from the moderate Panama duties, and then pay the 
 immoderate American duties upon bringing them 
 back. The Chinese silk and curio stores had the usual 
 things that they have in the United States. In addi- 
 tion to this the Chinese kept provision stores of all 
 sizes and grades where they sold groceries, liquors, 
 fruits, dried and canned goods, and other delicacies 
 demanded by their numerous countrymen and native 
 customers. 
 
 By way of introduction I bought some feather 
 
ABOUT TOWN 153 
 
 fans and bronze sea cows. I then called for a 
 skeleton coat. The Chinaman looked at my arms and 
 legs and said that he did not keep skeleton clothes, 
 but had some about my size, and brought out a white 
 shiny silk sack coat for twelve dollars. As I only 
 wanted it for a week's wear in Panama and a couple 
 of days on the Caribbean Sea, the coat would cost me 
 more than a dollar for each day's wear. Had I been 
 younger and more enterprising I should have em- 
 braced the opportunity of wearing an imported coat 
 that cost a dollar a day while worn, and would have 
 discarded it at the end of ten days in order not to 
 spoil its record ; but I allowed the opportunity to pass 
 and called for something cheaper. The Chinaman 
 showed me a similar coat for ten dollars and said: 
 
 "Vely cheapee." 
 
 "More cheapee/' I said. 
 
 He showed me one for eight dollars. 
 
 "Still more cheapee, much more cheapee." 
 
 He then brought out one for three dollars that 
 looked the same to me, and would catch the Panama 
 dust and filter the Caribbean showers just as faith- 
 fully as if I paid twelve dollars for it. I gave him a 
 five-dollar bill and received seven dollars back. I then 
 spied a beautiful piece of silk embroidery and drawn- 
 work about as wide as a door mat and a little longer. 
 I guessed it to be a bureau cover but called it a door 
 mat, for short. 
 
 "How muchee?" I asked. 
 
 "Eight dollah." 
 
 "What? Eight dollah for door mat? No go. It 
 
154 TO PANAMA 
 
 looks well but it wouldn't last an hour in Chicago. It 
 is full of holes. I never pay for holes. Deduct for 
 the holes and I'll buy it." 
 
 "No put him out doah. Keep him in house." 
 
 "Oh, I see, he is a towel. But when we wash in 
 Chicago we use muchee water. It would take three 
 of him for one wiping, and then there would be no 
 opportunity for friction. Such a towel " 
 
 "No towel. Put him on table," interrupted the 
 Chinaman, with a trace of alteration in the tone of 
 his voice. 
 
 "Oh, a napkin? Why, every time I'd wipe my 
 mouthee the soupee would come through these con- 
 founded holes on my hands. You must obliterate 
 them if you wish to sell him. He's a regular skele- 
 ton." 
 
 "Not for eatee for pollah table, for buleau lookee 
 pletty." 
 
 "Oh, a sort of tidy for the bureau. But these holes 
 spoil him, I say. The dirt would show right through 
 him. Here, I'll give you six dollah for him. Quickee 
 comee bargain cashee hoop lah!" I tried to 
 carry the bargain by storm. 
 
 The Chinaman could not deny that dirt would show 
 through the drawn-work. He looked perplexed and 
 human, but his speech had the sound of a talking 
 machine. 
 
 "Sem dollah ninety-fye cent." 
 
 "Sew up the holes," I said, "and I'll give it. No- 
 body '11 ever buy him full of holes. Why he couldn't 
 hold water, he wouldn't even hold molasses. Here's 
 your six dollah, last chancee." 
 
ABOUT TOWN 155 
 
 "Bully hole! Vela fine hole! Sem dollah ninety- 
 fye cent. Allee hole flee in bahgain." As he said this 
 his words became animated, but his face was like yel- 
 low wax. 
 
 "No fleas or flea holes in mine. You'll never sell 
 him to a Yankee with those flea holes in him. Good- 
 bye!' 1 
 
 He eyed me with patient disgust and put away his 
 finery. As I went out he said, "Bettee fye dollah sell 
 him to-mollah." 
 
 I knew that the piece was worth eight dollars in 
 Colombian money, but I didn't like to give in, and 
 thought it quite as well to return another time and 
 buy it. But when I did return three days later the 
 Chinaman pretended that the bureau cover was gone, 
 thinking probably that I wanted to claim the five 
 dollars that he had offered to bet. He did not seem 
 anxious to sell me anything. But I had taken a fancy 
 to the cover and wanted it. I offered him eight dollah 
 and fye cent, but he said: 
 
 "Allee gone." 
 
 I offered him nine dollah. 
 
 "Allee gone." 
 
 I offered him ten dollah. 
 
 "Allee gone." 
 
 So I also went, cured of my conceit as a shopper 
 and business man. I had the best of the bargain, how- 
 ever, for the cover didn't cost me anything. In my 
 subsequent shopping I soon learned that the amount 
 a Chinaman would throw off was so insignificant that 
 it was not worth while to ask it. In fact, it is a good 
 
156 TO PANAMA 
 
 thing to offer him five cents more than he asks to 
 make him jump about and show his goods with more 
 zeal. As we passed out I noticed that the doctor had 
 bought several things of considerable value for his 
 wife. 
 
 We then sauntered leisurely down to the street 
 that skirted the seashore, passing the market on our 
 way. The market was a large fenced, rectangular 
 area with a galvanized iron roof. It projected over 
 the sea wall, giving opportunity for the disposal of 
 all dirt by merely throwing it out, supposing, of 
 course, that it were possible to get rid of all of the 
 dirt in the place. It was much better constructed 
 and arranged than the market at Colon, and was well 
 supplied with dirty counters and dirty booths where 
 dirty Chinamen, dirty negroes and dirty mestizos 
 sold dirty fruit, dirty fish, dirty vegetables, etc., all 
 of which should have gone over the sea wall instead 
 of over the palate. 
 
 Arriving at the end of the street where it was cut 
 off by an inward curve of the shore line, we turned 
 at right angles to the left into a street about a quar- 
 ter of a mile long and were, commercially speaking, 
 in Chinatown. The ground-floor front of many of 
 the houses were little Chinese stores, and most of the 
 inhabitants that we saw were Chinese. And before we 
 had finished our walk along the shore, through the 
 market and up this street, we were prepared to endorse 
 the saying that Panama had a separate smell for every 
 turn of the head. A blind man could soon learn to 
 find his way around easily and unerringly. 
 
ABOUT TOWN 157 
 
 Up near the main street, where our little street end- 
 ed, we came to a large, clean-looking Chinese silk 
 and dry-goods store with an imposing entrance. A 
 private carriage was standing in front of it, although 
 upon entering we did not find any one who looked as 
 if he or she had ever possessed or even driven in a 
 carriage. Indeed, on two other occasions I saw a 
 carriage, presumably the same one, in the same place, 
 but never discovered a possible owner shopping there. 
 Hence I inferred that the carriage belonged to the es- 
 tablishment, and was kept there to impress strangers 
 by making them believe that rich customers frequent- 
 ed the place. The store had two front rooms, a main 
 room for all sorts of articles, and a smaller one for 
 silk. We went into the silk room where we found a 
 beautiful display of a costly embroidered silk in the 
 show-cases, and in innumerable pasteboard boxes on 
 shelves reaching almost up to the ceiling. 
 
 The proprietor, who waited upon us, was a plump, 
 handsome, courteous, intelligent and exceedingly dig- 
 nified Chinaman. When Chinamen grow fat they of- 
 ten become good looking; those that remain thin re- 
 main ugly, like the rest of us. He showed us all sorts 
 of finery, and Doctor Echeverria let himself out. 
 Whenever the doctor saw silks and embroidery and 
 a Chinaman he thought of his wife, and whenever he 
 thought of his wife he thought of silks and embroi- 
 dery and Chinamen. In Costa Rica the tariff is very 
 high on silks, and the market is probably not good. 
 We examined many things and made the Chinaman 
 send for more goods from his store-rooms. The doc- 
 
158 TO PANAMA 
 
 tor wasted no time talking, but bought freely: scarfs, 
 shawls, fans, waists, kimonas, doilies, table covers, 
 etc., for his wife, and handkerchiefs, neckties, etc., 
 for himself. 
 
 But this was not all, for we made other visits. 
 
 Finally one day he opened his mouth upon the sub- 
 ject and said, "I'm buying too much. I must keep 
 away from these stores." 
 
 I thought so too, and wondered how he would find 
 room enough in his trunks for all of the goods, and 
 what the Costa Rica custom officers would do to him. 
 I have since also been curious to know if his wife, 
 after seeing these things, told him, as my wife told me 
 when I presented my purchases, that she could have 
 bought the same at home just as cheaply, and could 
 have selected things she wanted. My wife would have 
 perhaps obtained more at home for the money, but I 
 would not have gotten the romance out of it. I needed 
 the experience. A little chivalry toward one's wife is 
 worth more than money. 
 
 At home I never enter Chinese shops. Being busy, 
 and therefore in a normal mental state, I act rationally 
 and do not buy Chinese silks and jimcracks. But in 
 Panama I had nothing useful to do, and was there- 
 fore apt to do things I should not have done. When 
 the mind is preoccupied with buying stocks one buys 
 them more or less freely and precipitately; when it is 
 preoccupied with buying Chinese silks one is apt to 
 buy more than one's wife needs or wants. 
 
 The shrewd insurance agents, book agents, art 
 venders and irresponsible promoters take advantage 
 
ABOUT TOWN 159 
 
 of this fact at home where you can not escape them. 
 They take up so much of your time and talk so much 
 about insurance, books, pictures or investments that 
 they communicate to you their own paid- for enthusi- 
 asm on the subject. They hammer it into your brain 
 cells by prolonged and repeated nerve impressions 
 until the brain cells are temporarily modified to re- 
 produce the impression involuntarily, so that "insure, 
 insure," or "buy, buy," is continually running through 
 your mind. You are hypnotized. The only way to de- 
 termine whether you want an insurance policy or a 
 book or a picture or a fortune from the agent or pro- 
 moter, is to get away from him or her for forty-eight 
 hours, and sleep over the problem twice. The impres- 
 sions of the agent's sonorous or perhaps insinuating 
 voice will then have become weakened, and you will 
 find that you do not want either an insurance policy, a 
 book, a picture or a gold mine. 
 
 After lunch I went up to my room to take another 
 private lesson in siestas. The barricading of the door, 
 the removing of superfluous clothing, the careful tuck- 
 ing in of the mosquito bar under the mattress all 
 around, futile efforts to stop thinking and keep from 
 perspiring, and protracted attempts to read Spanish 
 novels, made of the siesta a not insignificant part of 
 the day's work. It was not the dolce far niente, the 
 Traeumerei, the dreamy dozing so dear to the ima- 
 gination of degenerates. My character was unfor- 
 tunately already formed; I had my limitations, and 
 could not adapt and reconcile myself to the popular 
 siesta hoax. A tropical siesta is not a sleep; it is a 
 
160 TO PANAMA 
 
 broil in which the victim does the turning over and 
 seasoning himself. 
 
 Finally, however, at the end of an hour and a half 
 by the cathedral clock, twelve hours by the hour-glass 
 in my brain, I seemed to be well done, and slowly siz- 
 zled off into a simulated sunstroke, only to be awak- 
 ened as on the day before by those knockout blows 
 on my door. I aroused myself and saw the bell boy 
 peeking in. 
 
 "The washing, the washing," he said hastily, and 
 was evidently anxious to anticipate and avoid the ex- 
 pected torrent of dreadful Spanish. But I was too 
 discouraged to compose epithets. Epitaphs were more 
 in keeping with the situation, and one was due him. So 
 I crawled out of bed, made a toga out of a towel, re- 
 moved the barricade from the door and took the 
 bundle. I then wiped my forehead and looked at him. 
 He stood like a black Pompeian statue with the white 
 of its staring eyes fixed upon me. I began, "Nada, 
 nada!" and the thing glided out. It was becoming 
 intelligent at last. 
 
 But it was still too hot to keep clothes on, and I 
 had to crawl into my mosquito cage and make up 
 my mind to stay there until the three o'clock breeze 
 made itself felt. As the new year was only two days 
 off, I passed the time making New Year's resolutions. 
 I made about a hundred, but could only remember a 
 dozen or so of them afterward. I resolved: 
 
 Never to take a siesta or a dolce far niente in the 
 Juture, but to be satisfied with a plain nap when I 
 felt the need of it. 
 
ABOUT TOWN 161 
 
 Not to return to Panama until a Yankee hotel had 
 reconstructed the country. 
 
 Not to personally undertake the reformation of the 
 tropics. 
 
 Not to train the servants of aliens. 
 
 Not to begin by getting hot when I wanted to keep 
 cool. 
 
 Not to be a conqueror. 
 
 Not to do in Rome as the Romans did. 
 
 Not to take a Turkish bath and call it a siesta. 
 
 Not to drink frescoes when I wanted water. 
 
 Not to do the tropics, nor let the tropics do me. 
 
 Not to have opinions, but try to understand things. 
 
 Not to be eloquent when silence would suffice. 
 
 Not to care when it couldn't help. 
 
 Not to know everything. 
 
 Not to want anything. 
 
 Not to make any new resolutions until the old ones 
 were worn out or broken. 
 
 Finally at half past three I arose, shut and locked 
 the door, drank a bottle of imported lukewarm water, 
 cooled myself by washing my chest and body with so- 
 called cold water, and felt more or less refreshed. 
 
 After I had been down-stairs a few minutes, Doc- 
 tor Echeverria and, later, Senor Arango appeared, 
 and we started for the cable office to send a message 
 to the doctor's wife and enquire after the one he had 
 not yet received. If one had come it would have been 
 sent to the hotel, but he went and enquired morning 
 and evening, just for the love of it, or of her, I sup- 
 posed. At any rate, he couldn't help it. 
 11 
 
i6s TO PANAMA 
 
 We then went for a promenade on the Bovedas 
 along the seashore. The tide, which rises thirteen 
 feet, was out and the flat rocky bed of the bay lay ex- 
 posed for more than a hundred yards. Two men of 
 slow and deliberate intentions were digging a trench 
 from the sea wall out to the water's edge at low tide 
 for the benefit of the sewer pipes. The sewers which 
 emptied just outside of the sea wall were to be ex- 
 tended out to that point. This improvement would 
 do away with some of the bad smells that had followed 
 the daily exposure of the sea bottom by the recession 
 of the water. The bad smells at low tide did not, 
 however, seem to cause much sickness, the regular re- 
 turn of the salt water acting as a disinfectant and 
 douche. The offense to the olfactories was probably 
 the worst feature of the emptying of the sewage near 
 the shore. Individual perfumery would have been 
 cheaper and perhaps more efficacious, but the men had 
 not thought of that, and the ladies had never told 
 them. Whether it was too early in the day for prome- 
 nading, or whether there was but little promenading 
 done on Las Bovedas I do not know (probably both), 
 but the only fashionable people we met were Sefior 
 McGill and his party, consisting of two ladies and a 
 gentleman besides himself. A few children and two 
 men of the poorer class were the only other persons 
 visible. 
 
 We arrived in a few minutes at the end of the lovely 
 but lonely promenade where it turned upon itself 
 and led us down to the low ground just inside of the 
 sea wall. Here the soldiers' barracks, the city jail 
 
OCEAN FRONT AT PANAMA 
 Tide Out, Showing the Sea Wall and Bottom of the Sea 
 
ABOUT TOWN 163 
 
 and a good parade ground of three or four acres were 
 situated. We saw many prisoners and a few sol- 
 diers. The prisoners were confined under the vaults 
 that supported the promenade. Hence the name Las 
 Bovedas, the vaults. They were closed on the outer 
 side by the solid sea wall and on the inner side by 
 iron grating. Light and air entered the cellars thus 
 formed from one side only, through the iron grating, 
 leaving the deeper portions so dark that we could not 
 see into them. The light space near the grating was 
 teeming with prisoners of both sexes, mostly negroes 
 and mixed breeds, who seemed to be uncomfortably 
 crowded in an exceedingly unhealthy place. Just be- 
 yond the jail was a plain, rectangular brick building, 
 in which the soldiers were lodged, and beyond this 
 were some dilapidated frame houses, ragged children, 
 dirty goats and drowsy vultures. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria wished to buy a herd of goats 
 for his children and take them to San Jose; but al- 
 though goats were plenty he could only find one good 
 one. They had subsisted on straw hats and stray 
 shoes so long that most of them were getting bald and 
 leathery on their backs and sides. Cows and fodder 
 are rather scarce in Central American cities and the 
 facilities for keeping the milk fresh are not good, 
 hence the desirability of a herd of goats which can be 
 starved when corn husks are dear, and can be driven 
 from house to house to be milked as milk is wanted 
 for use. This provides sterile, undiluted milk, rich 
 enough for coffee and more digestible and nourish- 
 ing for children than the best of cows' milk that has 
 
1 64 TO PANAMA 
 
 been milked several hours before being used, or that 
 has been artificially sterilized. I should think that 
 Central America, and particularly Panama and the 
 neighborhood of the Canal Zone, would be a profita- 
 ble place for large goat dairies. The goats could eat 
 all night on the sabanas, manufacturing morning 
 milk from the midnight grass and stubble, and walk 
 the streets of Panama city all day, clearing the town 
 of rubbish and giving certified milk to all. They .could 
 take a daily siesta from i to 3 P. M. in the Parque de 
 la Catedral and in Parque de la Iglesia de Santa Ana, 
 giving the town rubbish a chance to form fresh milk 
 for afternoon delivery. It would be a blessing to our 
 children in the United States if milch-goats could re- 
 place milch-cows, which can not safely be starved and 
 neglected, and it would aid materially in clearing our 
 homes and streets of tuberculosis and waste paper 
 the two white plagues. 
 
 In returning we passed through quaint and narrow 
 streets with their small and old-fashioned houses, 
 and here and there a ruin. Some of the old church 
 ruins are very picturesque and very ruinous, although 
 none of them so ponderous, pretentious and danger- 
 ous as was our old Cook County court building at Chi- 
 cago, the world's most magnificent specimen of popular 
 and political ruin. "Si caput videas, ferias," was its 
 motto, and for a long time it threatened to crush the 
 head of the solitary passerby who did not keep his dis- 
 tance, or to lie down suddenly on the crowd that ven- 
 tured too near. The citizens had to be protected against 
 it. Experts on architectural degeneracy reported that 
 
ABOUT TOWN 165 
 
 its angle of velocity was accelerated, its angle of repose 
 faulty, and that its lateral parts showed great fatigue. 
 So complete and perfect a ruin was never before ma- 
 tured at so rapid a rate. It made a new record and 
 set a new pace for municipal dissolution, for without 
 the aid of quakes, tornadoes or the help of time, it 
 crumbled so rapidly and steadily that it could not 
 be kept up long enough to get into guide books and 
 attract tourists. Thus Chicago leads in ruin as well as 
 in rush. In its place we have the new county building, 
 which is a ruin of architectural art a icolumnat- 
 ed parallelepiped. Its two-story basement is an 
 example of bewindowed weakness. Its high and 
 heavy columns have but little support and sup- 
 port but little; they are too stuck up, too de- 
 sirous of being looked up to. But Chicago is not 
 yet a great architect; the University of Chicago is a 
 better one. Chicago's specialty lies in a rampant repe- 
 tition of rectangular windows without any walls, its 
 variety in a massive superfluity of meaningless stone 
 carved and crusted with architectural trumpery; its 
 exception in an occasional magnificent success. 
 
 The Panama sidewalks were too narrow for the 
 enjoyment of a walk. In order to walk side by side, 
 two of us had to walk on the cobblestones, and as the 
 third one was too polite to monopolize the whole side- 
 walk, we all walked on the cobblestones, and thus took 
 up the whole street. But as we never met a vehicle 
 in these parts it did not matter except to our feet. We 
 might have walked single file on the sidewalk, but as 
 I was the only one not too polite to walk ahead, and 
 
1 66 TO PANAMA 
 
 both of the others were too polite to take the second 
 place, the cobblestones were the only alternative. An 
 advantage, however, of the use of the street was that 
 we did not have to step off the sidewalk into the de- 
 pression intended for a ditch every time we passed 
 anyone. This passing of people on the twenty-five 
 inch sidewalks in Panama was almost as difficult as 
 passing people in Chicago on our twenty-five foot 
 sidewalks. 
 
 When we reached the hotel it was time for an appe- 
 tizer, which we dutifully drank in preparation for a 
 tcmr-de-force dinner. I formerly thought that in 
 the tropics men lived mostly on fruits, rice, light vege- 
 tables and, if they worked hard, an occasional egg, 
 taking but little meat or greasy, mixed dishes. But 
 my experiences in Cuba, on the Italian ship and in 
 Panama have taught me that the people eat as heartily, 
 or more so, of greasy food as in northern portions of 
 the United States, where we subsist too much upon 
 our home-made cereals that overfill and underfeed us. 
 
 As it was Thursday evening there was to be a con- 
 cert in the Plaza de la Iglesia de Santa Ana at eight 
 o'clock, and my companions dined with some friends 
 in town preparatory to attending it with them. So I 
 had to go through the paces of dinner alone and 
 succeeded. I then sat around the hotel corridor until 
 eight o'clock when the air had become cooler, but not 
 cool, and my stomach lighter, but not light, and 
 strolled leisurely to the Plaza de la Iglesia de Santa 
 Ana, about half a mile away. The musicians were 
 playing in one corner of the square and the people 
 
ABOUT TOWN 167 
 
 promenading in the park which, as in Plaza Central, 
 occupied the entire square except the peripheral space 
 taken up by the streets. The .men were, as a rule, 
 dressed in evening or afternoon dress, as if for pro- 
 tection against cold, while the ladies were draped in all 
 sorts of flimsiness appropriate to the weather white, 
 gauzy, fleecy, fluffy and pretty. Their clothes were 
 as appropriate as those of the men were inappropriate, 
 which is quite the reverse of the methods of dress in 
 the North, where the men dress for comfort, and the 
 ladies for the men. Around and around the outer 
 edge of the park they walked, some in one direction, 
 some in the opposite, passing and repassing each other, 
 laughing and talking and apparently unconscious of 
 the increasing monotony of it all. But a large pro- 
 portion of the promenaders were young, and to youth 
 nothing is monotonous but inactivity. 
 
 The main street passed by the plaza constituting 
 the front side; the church occupied the opposite side, 
 forming a fine background with the dense, electrically 
 lighted foliage in the middle, and the illuminated, 
 brilliant throng moving around the edges. Whenever 
 the music started, the crowd became more animated 
 and the whole scene presented something romantic or 
 fairylike to the spectator. The music was of a loud 
 Spanish character, very appropriate in the open air, 
 and the pieces, which varied from popular to classic, 
 were well played. 
 
 After becoming somewhat weary from carrying my 
 course dinner around, I stepped into the shadows of 
 the trees and took a seat on a bench to listen with 
 
1 68 TO PANAMA 
 
 comfort to the music, and watch the young people 
 chatter and enjoy each other as only the young can. 
 I resolved that if providence or a vigorous digestion 
 should ever give me back my youth I would make 
 myself enjoy trifles also. But some men never grow 
 young, and trifles never become important to them. 
 
 I concluded that the Panama Physicians must also 
 have overfilled stomachs and an apathy for trifles, 
 for none of them were there promenading and lemon- 
 ading. 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 Town Topics 
 
 Waiting for the Bull-fight Daily Newspapers Death from 
 Yellow Fever Fate of Mr. Dingler's Family Doctor 
 Echeverrfa Receives the Cablegram at Last Walks to 
 the Seashore The National Lottery The Cathedral 
 A Titled Doctor of the Past Ruins A Ruin within a 
 Ruin Business Hours Baths and Economy of Water 
 Proposed Improvements. 
 
 The next two days, Friday and Saturday, were 
 days of waiting for the Sunday bull-fight. Panama 
 is a small city of 20,000 inhabitants and there was 
 nothing doing, as the saying is, excepting the walk 
 to the cable office morning and evening with Doctor 
 Echeverria in quest of the cablegram from San Jose 
 that had not arrived. For an ignorant person like 
 myself, however, who had gone there knowing noth- 
 ing about the ways of the people in the tropics, and 
 had only learned a couple of days before to go in out 
 of the sun, there was interest and instruction in every- 
 thing. 
 
 I spent a part of the time sitting about the barber 
 shop, the hotel corridor and the barroom studying 
 local customs, and reading the daily Estrella (Star 
 and Herald) and El Diario (The Daily). The news- 
 papers were printed in both English and Spanish and 
 
 169 
 
1 70 TO PANAMA 
 
 contained short but very good extracts from the lat- 
 est authenticated world news. One did not have to 
 read twelve illustrated and illuminated pages to find 
 two doubtful facts that would be contradicted the 
 next day. Much of the talk was about the death, 
 which had just been announced, of the wife of Chief 
 Engineer Wallace's secretary of yellow fever. The 
 young secretary had gone North to marry her, and 
 had brought her to Panama to become a victim within 
 a few weeks. Her death cast a gloom over the com- 
 munity and was certainly not an encouraging and 
 comforting experience for Mr. and Mrs. Wallace. 
 It reminded us of the fate of Mr. Dingier, one of the 
 chief engineers of the Panama Canal under the 
 French regime, who brought his wife and two sons 
 to Panama and lost all three of yellow fever in one 
 month. His troubles produced melancholia and he 
 had to give up his work. 
 
 These were isolated instances of such misfortunes 
 in high stations of life, and were indicative of many 
 equally distressing but generally unknown or quickly 
 forgotten ones in more humble stations. This does 
 not apply to the Jamaica negroes, however, who think 
 that they are suffering from too much hygiene. Instead 
 of yellow fever they are contracting catarrh and pneu- 
 monia in their new, well-ventilated sleeping quarters. 
 Health, wealth and prosperity, like everything else, 
 should be enjoyed in moderation. 
 
 On Friday evening Doctor Echeverria received the 
 longed-for cablegram from his wife, and again took 
 interest in ordinary mundane trivialities. I missed 
 
TOWN TOPICS 171 
 
 our walks to the cable office, which was situated at 
 the upper end of the city where it extended out upon 
 a projecting piece of land. I enjoyed going there to 
 gaze at the picturesque shores, the green islands and 
 the dark blue sky and sea, and feel romantic. These 
 walks also took care of considerable superfluous time 
 that would have been spent sitting about the hotel, 
 and they kept us in touch with the common people and 
 cobble pavements. As it was the end of the week, 
 numerous old, half-breed Indian women, and an oc- 
 casional Chinaman, wandered about the streets ped- 
 dling tickets for the Panama National Lottery, which 
 had a drawing every Sunday. The tickets were divid- 
 ed into halves and quarters to represent the fraction 
 of the prize one paid for, but did not draw. Thus one 
 could gamble away a few cents or a few dollars week- 
 ly, according to one's pocket and one's patriotism. 
 The lottery is a devilishly good thing for a country 
 of impoverished people because it lightens taxation. 
 To those who believe in gambling it represents the 
 best and most desirable part of taxation since it takes 
 only the money of those who pay voluntarily and 
 cheerfully. It also collects quite a sum from visiting 
 strangers, and did from us. I bought a large fraction 
 of a ticket, as did most of the other strangers, and 
 we all came near winning something. 
 
 In our peregrinations about town, the doctor and I 
 went through the cathedral, but saw nothing cheerful 
 or pretty, although the altar and a representation of 
 the nativity near it were bright with gilt and gaudy 
 coloring. The walls everywhere abounded in mor- 
 
172 TO PANAMA 
 
 tuary tablets, very cheerful and comforting things to 
 the sick and the dead, but very uncomfortable re- 
 minders to those of us who have the Greek enjoyment 
 of living untainted with a fondness for the contempla- 
 tion of dissolution. The church contains a tablet in- 
 scribed to a physician, Dr. Joaquin Morro, which 
 shows him to have been titled, according to the proper 
 forms of law, for public services. This tablet, to- 
 gether with the fact that the present president is a 
 physician, shows that the doctors are better appreciat- 
 ed in Panama than with us. It speaks well for the 
 Panama doctors, or perhaps worse for those of some 
 other countries. 
 
 The exteriors of the churches were much more in- 
 teresting to me, for they were picturesquely old, typi- 
 cally Spanish in style, and most of them located among 
 surroundings that were decidedly medieval and sug- 
 gestive of strange customs and superstitious beliefs. 
 As a rule, the ruins were roofless, imperfect shells of 
 past glory and gloom, with perhaps a corner or small 
 space or two boarded up for use as a storehouse or 
 humble dwelling place. As we passed the ruins of 
 the old Franciscan Church (a new, smaller one has 
 been erected near by) , I saw coming out from a board- 
 ed space in the walls an exact counterfeit of the witch 
 of Endor, as we see her in the tragedy "Macbeth," 
 the final evolution of that species of old women that 
 nourish themselves and their house-plants with tea and 
 coffee. She was a sort of ambulating mummy; her 
 face and head mere skull bones with yellow parch- 
 ment drawn over them, and her body a concatenation 
 
TOWN TOPICS 173 
 
 of long bones held in line by some rags loosely drawn 
 around them. As she came shuffling out from between 
 the detached, fragmentary pillars she seemed appro- 
 priately housed, a ruin within a ruin. I wondered 
 how much rent she ought to have been paid to live 
 there among the lizards. She added life to the dead 
 pile, and undoubtedly added romance and interest by 
 telling fortunes and frightening children. 
 
 Across from these human and divine rooms were 
 little dingy shops that looked like small square ma- 
 sonry cells, relics of the days of the old church. Large 
 double doors constituted almost their entire front, and 
 were kept open for light and air. On account of their 
 smallness, the almost complete emptiness of visible 
 merchandise in most of them, the absence of cus- 
 tomers, and the miserable appearance of the inmates, 
 I asked the doctor if they were not disreputable 
 places. He assured me that they were not, but that as 
 it was already nine o'clock, the business of the day had 
 been about all transacted. The owners dealt mostly in 
 perishable provisions which were sold early in the 
 morning, and there was but little left for them to do 
 but lounge about until the next morning. Thus poverty 
 and leisure and content often go together in the trop- 
 ical zone, just as riches and leisure and discontent 
 so often do in the temperate and intemperate zones. 
 
 I noticed that most officials and business agents in 
 Panama had office or business hours in the forenoon 
 and afternoon, which were often marked on the doors 
 or windows. This enabled them to enjoy their siestas 
 and cigarets between business hours without being 
 
174 TO PANAMA 
 
 disturbed, and also made it practicable for them to 
 finish their work early in the day. The compara- 
 tively small amount of work done by business men in 
 the afternoon would lead one to suppose that but little 
 was done, yet the best work is done in the early 
 morning, at a time when Northern customers are not 
 astir. In the tropics the early birds catch the worms. 
 In the North the proverb speaks of only one early 
 bird. 
 
 I had given up hunting after baths. I could not 
 hear of any tub baths, and had been frightened out 
 of the notion of taking shower baths by a visiting 
 Central American doctor who was waiting to attend 
 the Medical Congress. He told me that next to his 
 seventy-five cigarets a day he enjoyed his daily cold 
 shower bath at the house of a relative who was a 
 druggist. The water that was used in the drug store 
 to wash bottles and things with was run into a reser- 
 voir under the floor and used for shower baths in the 
 basement. As the Panama wells were drying up and 
 plain drinking water was bringing a price, it occurred 
 to me that to make shower baths pay, it might be nec- 
 essary in bathing establishments, where the dishwater 
 and waste water would, of course, be insufficient to 
 supply shower baths for all of the customers, to col- 
 lect also the waste water from the baths, pump or 
 carry it up into the tank and use it over again. When 
 the water became soapy enough from the multitude 
 of baths, to look dirty, it could be allowed to flow 
 away and a new series of baths be started on the same 
 economical plan. Having a dread of beri-beri, dengue, 
 
TOWN TOPICS 175 
 
 leprosy, elephantiasis, tropical ulcers, and other prev- 
 alent ailments of more or less contagious nature which 
 had their habitat in Panama, I did not allow myself to 
 deviate from my previously formed opinion that cold 
 private sponge baths were not only more cleansing 
 than the public shower baths, but were more availa- 
 ble, reliable, convenient, comfortable and manageable. 
 
 After wandering about considerably among the 
 streets and studying the business facilities, I came to 
 the conclusion that Plaza Central was a good place 
 for a residence district, but that, being at the wrong 
 end of the town from the railroad station, it would 
 soon be an out-of-the-way place for the agencies and 
 business houses at present located in or near it. When 
 the volume of business would become greater, the 
 main thoroughfare would have to be made wider, or 
 the business centered nearer to the station or trans- 
 ferred to the mouth of the canal, for nothing ever stays 
 but dirt and nothing ever lasts but time. 
 
 Chief Engineer Wallace had, I believe, spoken of 
 a plan, which carried to its extreme, would mean tear- 
 ing down entire blocks of houses for long distances 
 and enlarging the city area by building a sea wall out 
 at the edge of the water at low tide, and filling in with 
 the earth excavated from the canal. But Mr. Wallace 
 was too modern and reconstructive. I suppose that 
 a gradual change of the business center will be the 
 most probable solution of the economic problem, leav- 
 ing the old city as a residence district, for which it 
 would be well located. A Chicago real estate dealer 
 would make a beautiful suburb of it. 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 The Past and the Present Panama 
 
 A Visit Planned and Given Up Difficulties Buccaneer 
 Henry Morgan and President Don Juan Perez de Guzman 
 Story of Morgan's Expedition against Panama Pray- 
 ers Versus Prowess Starvation Waiting Ambuscaders 
 Leather Soup The Miraculous Feeding Breakfast 
 Food for Those Who Could not Walk Making a New 
 Road Repulse of Don Juan's Cavalry Repulse of the 
 Cattle Flanking Movement Victory Fire Booty 
 The Filibusters Filibustered by Morgan Great Britain 
 and Captain Dampier Chances for the Poet, Tourist, 
 Artist, Antiquarian and Lover Something New Pana- 
 ma has Changed Hands But for Uncle Sam There'd 
 be Something Doing in Panama. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria and Sefior Arango had planned 
 a trip to the old city of Panama, the old-gold city, 
 founded in 1518 by Don Pedro d'Avila, sacked in 1673 
 by Sir Henry Morgan, the buccaneer, and rebuilt on 
 its present semi-peninsular site, where it is inaccessible 
 to buccaneers and inconvenient for business. , But it 
 was a whole day's trip and there was no hotel to serve 
 us with a dejeune a-la-fourchette and a siesta. Besides, 
 we would have to find a guide to keep us from fall- 
 ing into cellars and holes overgrown and concealed 
 by such profusion of vegetation as only the tropics 
 can produce in two hundred years. The doctor, rather 
 
 176 
 
THE PAST AND PRESENT PANAMA 177 
 
 than trust to a guide, thought it better to trust in God 
 only and stay away, for it was a God-forsaken place. 
 
 Two hundred years ago the citizens made their 
 Creator ashamed of them by succumbing to a band of 
 exhausted and half-starved buccaneers. Sir Henry 
 Morgan and his men nearly perished of hunger in 
 trying to cross the isthmus while Don Juan Perez de 
 Guzman, president of Panama, was praying and eat- 
 ing, and keeping tab on Morgan's progress and his 
 own prayers, instead of pleasing God by killing pi- 
 rates. God is not always pleased with mere praying. 
 He favors doing, and sometimes fighting, as the fol- 
 lowing narrative would seem to indicate. 
 
 Montebello, the Colon of olden times, was situated 
 near the mouth of the Chagres River. Sir Henry 
 Morgan captured and sacked the town and sent word 
 to Don Juan Perez de Guzman that he would call upon 
 him soon in Panama. He was desirous of seeing the 
 city where gold-dust blew about and blinded people, 
 where the cathedral was crusted over with shells of 
 pearl and filled with ornaments of silver, and the trees 
 were hung and festooned with jewels to keep them off 
 the grass. He wanted his share. The world owed him 
 a living, etc. 
 
 He made good his promise the next year (1670), 
 thoroughly prepared for the work. He first captured 
 Fort San Lorenzo that guarded or should have guard- 
 ed the entrance of the river and Don Juan P. de G., 
 began to watch and pray. Don Juan considered him- 
 self a better man than the pirate, and thought that 
 the Lord was with him. But he did wrong to think. 
 12 
 
178 TO PANAMA 
 
 Meanwhile, Captain Morgan, with 1,200 men and 
 provisions for one day, started merrily up the Chagres 
 River. Food was too bulky to carry, and about all he 
 had would be needed by those he left in charge of 
 San Lorenzo. Besides, he did not go to eat; he went 
 to fight. He took, however, five large scows laden 
 with artillery and ammunition to offset the thinking 
 and praying of Don Juan. God helps them who help 
 themselves, and Morgan was prepared to help himself. 
 
 Ambuscading parties showed themselves in the dis- 
 tance occasionally, but they were to do the watching 
 part of Don Juan's program and always retired be- 
 fore Morgan got near enough to shoot and eat any 
 of them. Instead of fighting and letting him capture 
 their food, they retired and ate the food themselves, 
 saying: "He who eats and runs away will live to 
 run another day." 
 
 Poor Morgan ! The food lasted one happy day. On 
 the second day the 1,200 went hungry. On the third 
 day they found the river obstructed by fallen trees. 
 So a portion of the buccaneers carried the canoes over 
 the obstacles while the rest cut their way through the 
 dense vegetation beside the river. All of the artillery 
 and ammunition that could not be thus transported 
 had to be left. But Morgan kept right on to the sur- 
 prise of the well-fed watchers. 
 
 On the fourth day the filibusters found some dried 
 hides at Torna Caballos, cut them into strips, made a 
 stew and filled themselves. Such a meal ought to have 
 staid by their stomachs for a week. At noon of the 
 fifth day they found two bags of meal in the deserted 
 
RUINED TOWER OF OLD PANAMA 
 
1 78 TO PANAMA 
 
 Meanwhile, Captain Morgan, with 1,200 men and 
 provisions for one day, started merrily up the Chagres 
 River. Food was too bulky to carry, and about all he 
 had would be needed by those he left in charge of 
 San Lorenzo. Besides, he did not go to eat ; he went 
 to fight. He took, however, five large scows laden 
 with artillery and ammunition to offset the thinking 
 and praying of Don Juan. God helps them who help 
 themselves, and Morgan was prepared to help himself. 
 
 Ambuscading parties showed themselves in the dis- 
 tance occasionally, but they were to do the watching 
 part of Don Juan's program and always retired be- 
 fore Morgan got near enough to shoot and eat any 
 of them. Instead of fighting and letting him capture 
 their food, they retired and ate the food themselves, 
 saying: "He who eats and runs away will live to 
 run another day." 
 
 Poor Morgan ! The food lasted one happy day. On 
 the second day the 1,200 went hungry. On the third 
 day they found the river obstructed by fallen trees. 
 So a portion of the buccaneers carried the canoes over 
 the obstacles while the rest cut their way through the 
 dense vegetation beside the river. All of the artillery 
 and ammunition that could not be thus transported 
 had to be left. But Morgan kept right on to the sur- 
 prise of the well-fed watchers. 
 
 On the fourth day the filibusters found some dried 
 hides at Torna Caballos, cut them into strips, made a 
 stew and filled themselves. Such a meal ought to have 
 staid by their stomachs for a week. At noon of the 
 fifth day they found two bags of meal in the deserted 
 
RUINED TOWER OF OLD PANAMA 
 
THE PAST AND PRESENT PANAMA 179 
 
 village of Barbacoas, and accomplished the miracle 
 of feeding 1,200 men with two bags of meal. 
 
 Some of the men were by this time so weak that 
 they had to be carried into the boats, while many of 
 those who could walk wanted to turn back. Yet they 
 kept on, concluding that they might as well starve 
 going forward as going backward. 
 
 On the sixth day they found a plantation with a 
 barn full of maize, for the ambuscaders had expected 
 them to starve or turn back before reaching this plan- 
 tation, and had not destroyed the maize. Nor did 
 they defend it. Their business was to watch, and they 
 could not watch and fight at the same time. The 1,200 
 thus had their fill of breakfast food, and some to 
 spare, and thus were revived and full of fight. They car- 
 ried breakfast food to those in the canoes, who were 
 too weak to walk, but not to eat. 
 
 On the seventh day they crossed the river and 
 reached Cruces, the head of navigation of the Chagres 
 River, and beheld the city in flames. Here they found 
 some wine, one sack of bread and some dogs and cats, 
 which they ate and drank. Then they were taken 
 sick; and Morgan laid it to the wine, which was a 
 happy thought. 
 
 On the eighth day they repulsed an Indian am- 
 buscade near by, and lost ten men. Before they left, 
 they were caught in a rainstorm, which was more seri- 
 ous. As they had no houses for shelter, they put the 
 ammunition in holes and cellars of the destroyed houses 
 to keep it dry while they themselves passed the night 
 taking a shower bath. 
 
i8o TO PANAMA 
 
 On the ninth day they pushed on and reached El 
 Cerro de los Filibusteros, and took their first look at 
 the Pacific Ocean. Here they found droves of horses, 
 mules, oxen, etc., and ate them. Spanish cavalry 
 appeared often, but upon seeing the pirates, crossed 
 themselves and withdrew, not wishing to be fired upon 
 or touched by such a horde of unholy tramps. Where 
 was Don Juan P. de G., P. of P., N. G.? At prayers 
 where good men love to be. He thought he had the 
 faith that confoundeth the enemy, forgetting that 
 there is no faith without deeds. In the meantime 
 Morgan's men took a good sleep and recuperated. 
 
 On the tenth day Morgan abandoned the regular road 
 which the watchers and waiters had prepared to de- 
 fend with cannon, and made a new road and appeared 
 on a hill that was separated from the city by a plain. 
 Here the Panamanians assembled 400 horse, 2,400 
 foot soldiers and 2,000 head of cattle, males and fe- 
 males, to resist the buccaneers. 
 
 The cavalry ran out at Morgan, floundered about 
 on the boggy plain and retired. The cattle then were 
 shoved at him, but they were no braver than the cav- 
 alry and were stampeded back into the Panamanian 
 lines, causing great slaughter. The main body was 
 then flanked by Morgan's left wing and promptly 
 routed. Time, two hours. Casualties, 600 Panaman- 
 ians left dead on the field, and many pirates sent to 
 Satan. 
 
 Don Juan N. G. then had the town set on fire, and 
 it slowly burned down. Indeed, Don Juan played 
 the Muscovite game from beginning to end. But 
 Morgan was only fifty miles from his base, with which 
 
THE PAST AND PRESENT PANAMA 181 
 
 he had already established communication, and was 
 not now in danger of starving or freezing. In fact, 
 it is thought by some authorities that Morgan started 
 the fire. Anyway the fire burned. Morgan looked 
 down from the hill and said, "Let her burn." Don 
 Juan looked up from the flames and said, "Let us 
 pray." 
 
 Then Morgan rode down and made his promised 
 call. He and his fiendish followers staid in what was 
 left of Panama for four months, plundering the sur- 
 rounding country and ravishing the women. He held 
 as many prominent persons as he could for ransom, 
 and also tortured many to make them divulge the hid- 
 ing places of valuables. He took what vessels he 
 found in the port and scoured the South Sea for many 
 miles. He captured a few stray ships, but the galleon 
 upon which the greatest valuables had been placed 
 escaped him. He then returned to Fort San Lorenzo 
 with his booty and gave each of the surviving pirates 
 $400, pretending to divide equally with them. The 
 pirates accused him of keeping the greater part of the 
 treasures and thought themselves poorly paid for the 
 work they had done and the risks they had run. Those 
 who were sent to Satan were the only ones whose re- 
 wards were in keeping with the character of their 
 work. 
 
 Having failed to get a ransom for the castle of 
 Chagres, he demolished some of its walls and set 
 sail secretly for Jamaica, leaving the majority of his 
 men behind, and almost as poor as before the expe- 
 dition. God did not help Don Juan, but he hit the 
 pirates hard. Few men would be willing to do so 
 
1 82 TO PANAMA 
 
 much dangerous work for so little pay. There cer- 
 tainly were and are many honest occupations avail- 
 able, even for the most ignorant men, that pay better 
 in the end than trying to obtain by sword cuts or 
 short cuts, what belongs to others. But everything 
 has to be tried and exploited in this immature world, 
 and Henry Morgan did pioneer work. As a reward 
 for this, Henry was made a Sir and appointed Lieu- 
 tenant-Governor of Jamaica, and the island has ever 
 since been a victim of the four elements. These were 
 golden days for buccaneers, for they were not only 
 tolerated at Jamaica but were licensed by Great Brit- 
 ain to rob and kill Spanish men and women, and to 
 spend the money and sell the jewels at British ports. 
 
 A paragraph from John Evelyn's diary tells the 
 story : 
 
 "1698, 6 Aug. I dined with Mr. Pepys, where was 
 Capt. Dampier, who had been a famous Buccaneer, 
 had brought hither the painted Prince Job, and print- 
 ed a relation of his very strange adventure, and his 
 observations. He was now going abroad again by the 
 King's encouragement, who furnished a ship of 290 
 tons. He seemed a more modest man than one would 
 imagine by the relation of the crew he has assorted 
 with." 
 
 Surely the tourist, the poet, the artist, the anti- 
 quarian, and lover of the romantic past, need not go 
 to Europe or Asia to find ruin and romance, dirt and 
 dreaminess, the splendor of nature and the destruct- 
 iveness of man, to find history, hallucination, inspira- 
 tion and perspiration. 
 
 Let him visit the solitary ruined tower at the site 
 
THE PAST AND PRESENT PANAMA 183 
 
 of the old city of Panama and tumble into old vaults 
 and ditches ; let him study the church ruins in the pres- 
 ent city, and buy a few; let him live in the dingy old 
 Spanish houses and go about among the parti-colored 
 inhabitants, instead of traveling in Europe among his 
 own countrymen. Let him study the history, legends, 
 superstitions, customs and language of the people 
 and be satisfied. If not let him go to Yucatan and 
 study the architecture and religion of the Aztecs, 
 which are not modeled after guide books, and let him 
 wander and dream and write and paint and see some- 
 thing new under the sun, that really is under the sun. 
 Europe and Asia are an old story. 
 
 Panama has changed hands since the buccaneer 
 period when the buccaneers did all of the fighting. 
 Panamanians now have less money, fewer prayers 
 and more fights. They have not a praying Don Juan 
 for president Don Juans should not pray. Their 
 chief fault is that they believe in frequent changes of 
 administration. But they have the courage of their 
 convictions, and the army has always been ready to 
 act upon them, pro or con. 
 
 President Amador is a philosopher and believes 
 that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, 
 that the greatest preventive of fighting is to do away 
 with the fighters. Hence the large standing army of 
 the republic has been disbanded and their duties given 
 over to the military policemen. Since then there has 
 been a revolutionary stagnation, a slump in the revolu- 
 tionary market, for which Uncle Sam is said to be re- 
 sponsible. But for Uncle Sam there would have been 
 something doing in Panama before this. 
 
CHAPTER XIII 
 
 New Year's Day and the Sabanas 
 
 Cathedral Bells The Bawl after the Ball Ringing in the 
 New Year Unique Chimes The Musical Score A 
 Drive to the Sabanas The Suburban Highway Natives 
 Open Prairie Sefior Arango's Summer Residence 
 Great Variety of Flowers, Fruits and Foliage Good 
 Cattle Country Fire-crackers The Siesta Hour A 
 Quiet FuneralHo! for the Bull-fight. 
 
 New Year's eve I was awakened at midnight by the 
 ringing of the cathedral bells, which, being directly 
 across the plaza and at about the same altitude as my 
 open window, had a good chance at me. After a long 
 time the noisy tolling ceased and I again dropped off 
 to sleep. But I was hardly asleep when I was awak- 
 ened by singing, that universal type of popular song 
 that has its source in the saloon where good cheer is 
 manufactured for holidays ; where holidays are howling 
 days, and pay days are heydays. It was the bawl after 
 the ball, and commanded attention. As New Year's day 
 is a sort of Panama Fourth of July, both as to tempera- 
 ment and temperature, the night watchmen considerate- 
 ly allowed the singing to go on, although they probably 
 kept the amateur musicians moving, and thus distribut- 
 ed the noise impartially over the different parts of the 
 town. At any rate, the noise died away in the distance 
 
 184 
 
NEW YEAR'S DAY AND THE SAB AN AS 185 
 
 long enough for me to go asleep, when it came back 
 and commanded attention again. 
 
 At six-thirty in the morning when I was in the 
 depths of my final heavy tenacious sleep, we had an- 
 other musical entertainment, an official one this time. 
 At the break of each New Year's day boys were hired 
 to pound the bells in the cathedral towers, each boy 
 having two or three bells to strike promiscuously and 
 loudly, according to his strength and inclination. The 
 rhythm as nearly as can be reproduced was as follows : 
 
 Ting-aling, ting-tong, ting-ting, ating-tong, go-it- 
 boys-aping-pong, right-along, sing-song, ring-wrong, 
 hong-kong, gong-gong! 
 
 This was kept up right-along until the boys who 
 did the hitting must have been tired and lame-shoul- 
 dered, when peace again reigned in the air. The per- 
 formance was a relic of old Panama, a musical ruin. 
 Tooting horns and blowing whistles would have been 
 more cheerful and practical. 
 
 As the lottery prizes were not to be drawn until 
 noon, nor the bull-fight to be fought until four o'clock, 
 I was very glad to take a drive with Doctor Echeve- 
 rria and Senor Arango to the latter's country resi- 
 dence on the "sabanas" or "prairies." But for the 
 almost continuous succession of courtesies shown me 
 by the doctor and his friends, time would have hung 
 heavily on my hands and I should have seen and un- 
 derstood much less of the real life of the people. My 
 acquaintances would have been mainly negro cabmen 
 and American travelers, and my knowledge that of the 
 near-sighted tourist who travels hundreds of miles in 
 
1 86 TO PANAMA 
 
 order to get pointers on his guide book and commit 
 a few well-known facts to memory, and recite them 
 incorrectly. 
 
 We drove through the town and out on the high- 
 way, quite a long stretch of which had been paved 
 by Sefior Arango himself. The road-bed was good, 
 but like everything else in a country that had been 
 having revolutions every two years, with access to the 
 treasury, the road was sadly out of repair and must 
 have been very bad during the muddy season. The 
 horse didn't go fast enough to make the ruts and 
 ridges objectionable, however, and the dust and heat 
 were the only things to interfere with the enjoyment 
 of our drive. Arrangements were being made to re- 
 pave the highway, which was the only pleasure drive 
 about Panama. This and the repaving of the Panama 
 streets are undoubtedly doing something toward mak- 
 ing life livable there. 
 
 The highway and surrounding landscape were un- 
 attractive for a short distance after passing the rail- 
 way station. But a little farther on, the road was lined 
 with huts in front of which native laborers who were 
 spending New Year's day at home were gathered with 
 their families ; and it was interesting to study 
 the crowd of mixed races of all shades from the 
 white Spanish to the black negro, in which the Indian 
 and negro blood seemed to play a predominant part. 
 I was reminded of Midway Plaisance at the Chicago 
 World's Fair and of the St. Louis Pike, minus the 
 hallooing and calling. The low brows, narrow fore- 
 heads, coarse features and dark skin gave them a sort 
 
NEW YEAR'S DAY AND THE SAB AN AS 187 
 
 of villainous appearance at first sight, but I noticed, 
 upon looking at them closely, that they had a serious 
 rather than sinister expression upon their faces. I also 
 happened to remember that I had not been accosted 
 by a beggar, either in Colon or Panama. Whether 
 this is due to the fact that all men find work; or to 
 the scarcity of tourists to teach them to beg; or to 
 the small number and want of affluence of the mem- 
 bers of the better classes, rendering the profession of 
 begging unprofitable; or whether my observation was 
 not accurate, I do not know. I suspect that what lit- 
 tle it costs the poor to live, is easily earned, but not 
 so easily begged. However, when the canal is fin- 
 ished beggars will undoubtedly appear, among other 
 innovations. 
 
 After we had traversed about a mile of this subur- 
 ban highway, the road led through a pleasant stretch 
 of mildly rolling prairie-land with scattered woody 
 areas. Occasionally we passed a farm-house without 
 much farm and, here and there, a few grazing cattle. 
 After about an hour of slow driving we came to two 
 or three country residences and soon arrived at Serior 
 Arango's. 
 
 It was an enclosure of five or six acres planted 
 quite thickly with a great variety of trees, shrubbery 
 and flowers; there seemed to be a dozen different 
 kinds of fruit and flowering trees, many of them not 
 indigenous to Panama. Flowers unfamiliar to me 
 grew in great profusion upon bushes and small plants, 
 and the ground was strewn with limes, mangoes, and 
 other fruits whose names I knew not. Hence, a short 
 
1 88 TO PANAMA 
 
 walk was a walk of great interest, and was especially 
 pleasant because of the dense shade afforded by the 
 thick foliage. The house was a story and a half high. 
 One side of the lower floor was entirely made up of 
 wide doors, allowing it to open up almost as com- 
 pletely as if it had no wall on that side, and the 
 porches were wide and covered by the projecting 
 roof. The windows and large door spaces could be 
 closed with lattice-work that kept out the sun, but 
 not the air. The furniture was rustic but plentiful. 
 A dark-skinned native lived apparently in one of the 
 outhouses, but could not have had much to do except 
 to watch the fruit grow, and eat it, for the place was 
 evidently quite capable of taking the care of itself. 
 The foliage was too thick for a shaven lawn to be 
 cultivated under it, and there was no spring and au- 
 tumn "taking up" and planting of delicate bulbs, or 
 covering of roots in winter, etc. Once planted things 
 required almost no care; flowers and fruits matured 
 and fell and began to grow again. After a pleasant 
 hour spent in looking about, gathering nosegays, 
 tasting fruits and cooling off in the rustic shade, we 
 started back. 
 
 Farther away from the town in the same direction 
 Senor Arango's father had a larger summer resi- 
 dence, and still farther up the isthmus had a farm of 
 several thousand acres with large droves of cattle. 
 The sabanas are well adapted to cattle-raising and good 
 beef is plentiful on the hoof. But the transportation fa- 
 cilities are poor, for the country has neither highways 
 nor railways. 
 
NEW YEAR'S DAY AND THE SAB AN AS 189 
 
 As we rode back we found the boys in the city set- 
 ting off fire-crackers and enjoying themselves as well 
 as they could in a city with scarcely any street-space 
 or yard-area. Otherwise the only activity noticea- 
 ble was the passing of lottery ticket venders offering 
 their goods for the drawing at noon. The hotel was 
 more quiet than usual on New Year's day, for the 
 father of the proprietors (two brothers) had died the 
 day before and was to be buried in the afternoon. The 
 barroom was closed and but few visitors were about 
 except those who came to visit the chamber of death. 
 
 After eleven o'clock breakfast we went to our 
 rooms to take a short siesta, agreeing to meet again 
 at half past three and go to the bull-fight. I lay down 
 as on the previous day and began thinking of the 
 mestizo bell boy. He did not appear, but my thoughts 
 of him kept me awake until time to get up and go 
 down-stairs. I had conquered him, but I could sleep no 
 more. 
 
 Descending the steps, I noticed that the funeral 
 cortege was preparing to leave. The body had lain 
 in state all day and had been visited by many people. 
 Some services were apparently being held in the room, 
 but I heard neither singing nor other music. A crowd 
 of citizens in black clothes, and with silk hats that 
 had evidently been caught in many a shower, was 
 waiting in the corridor near the street door. When the 
 body was brought down from the silent room, instead 
 of being put into a hearse, it was borne through the 
 streets by the pall-bearers, and followed by the rela- 
 tives. All went on foot and I suppose that the burial 
 
TO PANAMA 
 
 was in some church in the neighborhood. It was an 
 exceedingly silent and sensible funeraj, but probably 
 could not have been conducted so simply and quietly 
 in a large city. I was told that the deceased was 
 Jewish, a fact which may have given the peculiar 
 character to the ceremony. At any rate, it seemed in 
 good taste for a man thus to leave the world more qui- 
 etly than he had entered it. 
 
 Soon after the funeral procession had disappeared, 
 I started with Doctor Echeverria for the courtyard 
 of the International Club, where the bull-fight was 
 to take place, prepared for the sensation of my life. 
 I wished to see this relic of- Spanish medievalism, yet 
 dreaded somewhat the expected artistic display of 
 killing qualifications. Two bulls were to be killed. 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 The Bull-Fight 
 
 We arrived at the amphitheater a little before four 
 o'clock and found everything cheerful and lively as 
 befitted the occasion. Men and boys came in rapidly, 
 took their seats, lighted cigarets and began to call out 
 and joke with one another in a manner characteris- 
 tic of the Spanish bull-fight audience. 
 
 The arena was a square space located against the 
 side wall of a brick house and enclosed on the other 
 three sides by board fences about six feet high. Op- 
 posite the brick wall and commanding a good view 
 of it, a platform had been built for the common multi- 
 tude. On another side of the square was a similar 
 platform containing boxes for the alcalde (mayor) 
 and aristocratic few, including ladies. On the fourth 
 side a skeleton fence had been constructed apparently 
 for the benefit of children who could see but could 
 not pay; in our thrifty country the wall would have 
 been built so as to prevent the children seeing through 
 it. The doctor and I occupied chairs among the com- 
 mon multitude and had the best location, for it com- 
 manded a view of the boxes and of the two doors of the 
 bull pen beneath. On each of the four sides of the arena, 
 and about eighteen inches from the fence or wall, was 
 built a strong wooden screen wide enough to conceal 
 
 191 
 
192 TO PANAMA 
 
 GRAiH CORRIDA PARA EL DOMINGO, ENERO 19 BE 1905. 
 
 Coo penmar d U antoridad y ii el tiempo lo perwita M lidiarao, ea 1 
 
 PATIO DEL CLUB INTERISlACIONAL. 
 
 ciuco bwvos toros da 1* alauttda gauderift 
 "La Jgua" de propiedad del tefior Francisco A- MaUv, de los cuales seran 
 
 DOS DB MUERTE FOR EL ESPADA "CHALEeO" 
 La corrida sera presidida por el tefior Alcalde del-Distrito. 
 
 Tbi famoui Spanish Ball fighter and MuUdor " CH ALECO * will kill two Ball oa 
 6auday at 4 p. in. 
 
 Eutrftua* to Ball Ring below the "Interaatioual Club?. 
 
 Reserved. SeaU for.sala on Saturdry at the Walk-Over Shoe Store [American Bazaar]. 
 
 J03K ^IMESKZ (a) Ca-Aj><!lja. -PEDRO BAM1REZ (a) Rojalala. 
 
 RAFAEL LOPKZ (a) Hertizo; - ISMAKI. MENDOZA (a) El Polio. 
 
 flOMBRE DB LOS TOROS: 
 
 ! J?Z FAXTASMA DE LA ESQUWA. g? ELAtfARQUl$TA. 
 
 ** EL #0 riLERO. 4. S> ^Z BISTURL 
 
 6* EL RELAMPAQO. 
 
 PRECIOS DE EIITRADA3 
 
 Palco con 4 entradas $ 10,00. Sillas de preferencia 9 2,00. 
 Gradas 1,50 Entrada general 80. 
 
 Lo& u<rada* M vendi-ran dcsde el Sabado hasta el Domingo a las 12 m, en *1 !BJUO y afa- 
 m*do Almao4> "Batar Americano" y de las 12 hasta la< 4 p. m. en la BoleUrta do la Plaza. 
 
 KOTA La Banda de muiica tooai-A las i<iezas mfts esoogidas de so repertorio modarno. 
 La corrida eoipoiai 4 a la* 4 p. m. No BO admiui i diuero en las paertas ni ai-rojar al radon- 
 4l objtos gua impidu 1m lidia. 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 193 
 
 four men standing side by side. Thus wherever the 
 fighters might be they were always near a place of 
 safety. 
 
 The alcalde appeared promptly at four o'clock, and 
 the National band played the National hymn. While 
 the music was playing and the audience cheering, a 
 gate opened and the gaudily dressed matador with 
 his five butterfly banderilleros ran in and bowed be- 
 fore the alcalde. They wore short scarlet cloaks, skin- 
 tight, emerald knee-breeches and whitish stockings. 
 The alcalde, who was dressed like a real man, was 
 master of ceremonies to give the sign to begin, to 
 give the sign to kill, and to give the sign to stop. The 
 matador, or killer, threw his show cloak up to the 
 box of the alcalde and the banderilleros, or dart-stick- 
 ers, threw their show cloaks up over the railing at 
 other places to be cared for by admiring spectators, 
 for they used old cloaks to fight with. There were no 
 picadores or mounted lancers. 
 
 The music ceased, the alcalde nodded, the bugle- 
 call sounded, the matador pirouetted and smiled, and 
 the green and glittering banderilleros lined up beside 
 the doors of the bull pen. One of the doors was 
 thrown open and the audience waited in suspense. 
 Suddenly out ran a well-formed animal into the light 
 and looked around and blinked in astonishment. His 
 name was "El Fantasma de la Esquina" (The Phan- 
 tom of the Corner). 
 
 The five banderilleros began to flutter about in 
 front of him and flaunt red cloaks at him. This he 
 apparently resented, but did not seem to know which 
 
 13 
 
I 9 4 TO PANAMA 
 
 cloak to hook at. Finally he charged at one, and then 
 at another, but paid no attention to the grass-colored 
 banderilleros. Before long one of the latter stepped 
 up and gracefully stuck two ornamental barbed darts 
 into his shoulders. This made the audience cheer and 
 caused "Fantasma de la Esquina" to run about and 
 jump and kick like a calf until the darts fell off. He 
 was then pursued and teased again. But his moral 
 nature was superior to that of his pursuers, for when 
 they spanked him on one side he jumped around and 
 presented the other. He only tried to defend himself 
 against the cloaks, the only things whose evil inten- 
 tions he seemed to suspect. 
 
 "No sirve" cried the crowd. (No good.) 
 
 And so thought the alcalde. The bull was unwor- 
 thy of death. He didn't know a red cloak from a 
 green banderillero. 
 
 "To his pen, to his pen," they cried. The alcalde 
 nodded, and the amiable bull was driven back, and 
 was a phantasm of the past. 
 
 Another bugle-call and another well-fed bull, "El 
 Anarquista" ventured out. As he emerged from the 
 door a couple of the barbed darts with gay ribbons 
 on them were stuck into his shoulders. Like the 
 "Fantasma" he bounded and kicked and stuck' up and 
 crooked his tail until the darts fell off, at which he 
 seemed greatly pleased, and quieted down for a rest. 
 However, the red cloaks kept bothering him, so he 
 made a short charge at one of them and then ran to 
 one side out of their way. But the cloaks got after 
 him like mosquitoes, so he charged another one and 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 195 
 
 then trotted about aimlessly, as if reasoning that to 
 keep running was the best way to keep from being 
 stung. A couple of darts were again hooked into his 
 shoulders, making him show his capers again until 
 they were shaken off. "El Anarquista" was also sen- 
 tenced to live and was shooed back to his pen. There 
 was nothing in his name. 
 
 The third bull, "El Novillero," the Greenhorn of 
 the Arena, received a dart in his shoulders as he came 
 out, and bounded to the center of the arena as if 
 looking for trouble. He kicked at the sky and snort- 
 ed at the ground and charged vigorously at the red 
 cloaks, and sent banderilleros scurrying behind the 
 screens and one of them over the back fence. He also 
 charged one of the screens, producing an exhilarating, 
 reverberating sound as his horns struck it, and win- 
 ning the applause of the populace. This full charge 
 upon the screen was by far the most exciting thing 
 that had happened. 
 
 After receiving some more darts in his shoulders 
 he charged again and ran straight after one of the 
 banderilleros who, however, outran him and thus 
 reached the screen and was safe. This is the first time 
 any of the bulls had really gone after a man. He was 
 the first one whose intelligence was anything like a 
 match for that of his antagonists. But even 
 this bull did not want to hurt any one. His attitude 
 was, "Let me alone or I'll hook you. Keep your dis- 
 tance or I'll chase you." 
 
 To me this fellow seemed, taking him for all in all, 
 brave enough to die for the benefit of Panamaniac 
 
196 TO PANAMA 
 
 sport, but the alcalde thought not and the banderil- 
 leros tried to drive him back. But he would not go. 
 He was afraid to turn his short tail toward them 
 long enough to go through the door for fear they 
 would stick a pin into him. So, after many 
 futile efforts to drive him they let all of the 
 other bulls into the arena, "El Fantasma" "El Anar- 
 quista" "El Bisturi" (Lancet) and "El Relampago" 
 (Lightning). "El Novillero," the cautious, got into 
 the midst of them and they were all driven back into 
 the pen as a herd. It was perfectly disenchanting. 
 
 Another bugle call for another bull. After some hesi- 
 tation "El Bisturi" ran out and received two darts, but 
 he jumped and kicked cow-fashion until he finally also 
 shook them off. Either hides were tough that day or 
 barbs were dull, for not a dart had remained sticking. 
 Then the routine teasing began. He shook his horns at 
 the cloaks and charged them once or twice; then ran 
 away and was kept running all over the arena, fright- 
 ened and confused at the number of cloaks waving at 
 him from all sides. "El Bisturi" was the greatest run- 
 ner of them all. 
 
 "No sirve, no sirve" shouted the gods. "De nos 
 nuestra plata" (Give us our money.) 
 
 The alcalde smiled, gave the usual signal and "El 
 Bisturi" was driven back to his fodder. 
 
 A fifth bugle-call and out came "El Relampago" 
 (The Lightning). He kicked at the clouds, shook 
 off the darts, charged the cloaks, then stopped and 
 shook his horns at them, and after having had his lit- 
 tle sport, stood still and wondered what it was all 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 197 
 
 about anyway. They teased him, but he lost interest 
 in the game, although by means of head shakes, bluffs 
 and short charges he chased two men behind the 
 screens. 
 
 One of the banderilleros wished to show off and 
 tried to practice a trick of the trade. When the bull 
 made a short charge at his cloak the trickster jerked 
 up the cloak and whirled around so as to present his 
 unprotected back to the horns of the bull. He should 
 have waited until the bull had completed his charge 
 at the cloak and he would have been safe, but he 
 chose the time badly and "El Relampago ran into 
 him. But, the cloak having disappeared, the bull 
 raised his head and merely hit the fellow inadvertently 
 on the shoulders with his nose, instead of the other 
 place with his horns, and thus raised a laugh instead 
 of lifting the man. "El Relampago'' was a humorist 
 and a bluffer ; but there was no sting to his satire. He 
 was apparently more afraid of injuring what he con- 
 sidered to be one of his masters, than the banderillero 
 was of being hurt by him. He might, instead of 
 stopping like a horse caught by the bridle, have low- 
 ered his powerful head again and given the fellow 
 a boost to a warmer place than Panama. 
 
 "No sirve. Otro, otro," cried the crowd. (No good. 
 Another, another.) 
 
 But "El Relampago" was the last of the supply of 
 gladiatorial beef, so the alcalde signaled to have it 
 killed. 
 
 "Es un asesinado. No lo asesinar" (It's an assas- 
 sination. Do not assassinate him), yelled the crowd. 
 
198 TO PANAMA 
 
 They wanted blood, but they wanted fighting blood, 
 not slaughter-house gore. 
 
 But the smiling matador stood before the box of the 
 alcalde with both hands raised to receive the official 
 nod. The alcalde nodded, partly from drowsiness, 
 whereupon the matador turned and danced off quick- 
 ly, like a martinette, toward the door and received his 
 sword. 
 
 The sword was a beautiful one, long and slender, 
 and so bright that it was only visible in the restless 
 hand of the bull-fighter by its flashing. He ran nim- 
 bly toward his victim, flourishing the weapon grace- 
 fully and ostentatiously, and began confusing the 
 tired, ill-conditioned and unsuspecting bull by swing- 
 ing a cloak before his eyes. The bull did not move, 
 except slightly with his head as he was being hyp- 
 notized. Suddenly there was a flash, and the man 
 stabbed the animal who had been so anxious not to 
 injure him. The deed was done so quickly that Doc- 
 tor Echeverria, whose sympathies were probably 
 slowing down his mental action, did not see it done. 
 
 The bull stood still for a moment, then turned and 
 ran to the center of the arena and, as it happened, 
 faced the alcalde who had ordered his death, and was 
 thus doing his best. He stopped still, lowered his 
 head, began to breathe heavily and lolled out his 
 tongue. He showed great distress and was evidently 
 bleeding internally. He stood that way for a few mo- 
 ments, then walked to the corner near his pen and 
 slowly lay down with his head drooping until his 
 nose nearly touched the ground. He evidently did 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 199 
 
 not understand how this trouble and suffering had 
 come to him. 
 
 The matador in the meantime strutted proudly in 
 front of the seats with hands up, smiling and bowing 
 for compliments that were not showered upon him. 
 
 Two negro menials went behind the dying bull to 
 put on the finishing touches. The bull lifted up his 
 head and turned it toward them, but not with his 
 former half-defiant, half-playful expression. It was 
 an expression of half alarm and half entreaty, and 
 said as plainly, and much more forcibly, than words 
 could have done, "Why did you hurt me? Don't 
 come at me again. I'm sick. I did nothing to any of 
 you." And he lowered his head again, and laid it down 
 on the ground, resigned to die, caring no longer what 
 they did. 
 
 "Asesinado," cried the crowd. (Assassinated.) 
 
 "Asesinado," re-echoed in every breast. 
 
 "De nos nuestra plata, Senor Alcalde, de nos nues- 
 tra plata. 1 ' (Give us our money.) 
 
 One of the menials got behind the prostrate bull's 
 head and began sticking a narrow dagger into the 
 back of his neck, trying to find and sever the spinal 
 cord. After three or four stabs the object was ac- 
 complished, for the bull's body relaxed with sudden 
 paralysis. Thereupon the negro cut the paralyzed 
 animal's throat wide open, and blood poured out as 
 from a street hydrant. His limbs twitched a little 
 and he relaxed in death and no one seemed to enjoy 
 it. It was much less satisfactory than a packing-house 
 exhibition. 
 
200 TO PANAMA 
 
 Then they brought in two little mules in traces, 
 hooked a rope around the dead animal's horns and 
 tried to drag him out. The mules started and dragged 
 him to the center of the arena, with his nose digging 
 deep into the dirt so as to impede their progress. At 
 the center the mules stopped and gave up the task, 
 upon which two negroes got in front and pulled at 
 their heads, while another negro whipped them vig- 
 orously from behind. They started up, took a few 
 more steps forward and gave it up again. 
 
 "Whip the front mules," cried one of the gods, re- 
 ferring to the negroes who were pulling the mules 
 and the gods laughed. 
 
 Finally, by pulling and pushing, the negroes suc- 
 ceeded in getting the dead bull out, one taking hold 
 of the tail and bending it over its back to pull with. 
 
 Only one bull had been killed and our desire for 
 gore was supposed to be incomplete. Our expecta- 
 tions were not realized. As no horses were to be 
 gored we did not get much for our money, and had 
 a right to see another bull killed as per program. In 
 Spain a man rides a blindfolded horse in front of the 
 bull and prods him in the forehead, until he disem- 
 bowels the horse. So another animal was admitted, 
 undoubtedly one of the first ones who had fought. 
 He looked like "El Anarquista" and acted like him, 
 for he could not be made to show fight he had 
 learned that there was nothing in it for him except 
 a title that was not worth dying for. Hence he was 
 ignominiously driven back, like a tame bossie cow. 
 
 Then they let in one whose bloody shoulders bore 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 201 
 
 evidence of the previous encounter with darts and 
 banderilleros. He charged a little, but only in self- 
 defense. This was the third of those who had been 
 introduced, "El Novillero," the Greenhorn of the Are- 
 na, the only one who had shown any spirit. But that 
 was out of him now and he was as unwilling to do any 
 harm to his masters as the others had been. 
 
 The alcalde made a signal to stop the farce and the 
 show collapsed. Some got up to go and some sat 
 still; but no one paid any attention to the bull, who 
 stood where he had been left and contemplated the 
 moving crowd with wonder and uncertainty. How- 
 ever, he seemed quite contented to be a spectator. 
 
 The doctor and I sat silently in our seats, not be- 
 ing sufficiently excited either to say or do anything, 
 when unexpectedly the most interesting part of the 
 entertainment commenced. A boy nine or ten years 
 old crept over the low fence and sneaked toward the 
 screen in front of the brick wall near which the bull 
 stood, and ran behind it. Then he stepped forth, 
 held out his hand and when the bull looked at him 
 jumped back. Immediately two other boys who were 
 on the fence climbed down and sneaked behind the 
 screen, and also tried to tease the bull, who now placed 
 himself on the defensive. More boys jumped down 
 into the arena and began to leap about near the 
 screens and whistle and halloa at the astonished "No- 
 villero" As there were now too many little fellows 
 in the enclosure to find room behind the screens, I 
 began to fear for their safety. The noise and antics, 
 however, of so many little devils seemed to confuse 
 
202 TO PANAMA 
 
 the dumb gladiator, and he merely remained on the 
 defensive, making feints at those who ventured near 
 him. 
 
 Bye and bye a boy about fifteen years of age pro- 
 cured one of the red cloaks, ran up to the bull and 
 shook it in his face, while he himself stood at one side 
 of it. The bull, who was not afraid of cloaks, made 
 a sort of short bluff charge at it and as he passed the 
 boy almost grazed him, for he was so near the brick 
 wall that there was hardly space for sidestepping. 
 The boy repeated the maneuver and so did the bull, 
 who was becoming trained to the cloak charging ex- 
 hibition and acquitted himself like a trained dog. This 
 greatly amused the spectators who knew what a sim- 
 ple matter it was to let a bull charge at a cloak with 
 closed eyes, for they always close their eyes just 
 before striking the object of attack. This closing of 
 the eyes is what gives the banderilleros the oppor- 
 tunity of performing apparently perilous antics right 
 in the path of a bull, who also completes his charge 
 when he strikes the cloak, particularly if he considers 
 himself merely on the defensive, as most of them do. 
 
 There were now about forty little boys in the arena, 
 and when the boy with the cloak got tired the. whole 
 crowd of children rushed toward the animal, who 
 backed up against the wall and stood at bay with" 
 head down. Now for some broken bones, I thought. 
 
 Little by little the crowd grew bolder and came 
 quite close to him. Giving plenty of warning, he 
 made a short, slow charge at them and sent them 
 scattering and hooting and yelling in all directions. 
 
THE BULL-FIGHT 203 
 
 A cow would have hooked them. After a couple of 
 similar bluffs he started on a trot after them, stopped 
 in the middle of the arena, then went back to the wall 
 and again assumed a restful defensive attitude. He 
 was a good bull to have about children. Evidently 
 he did not wish to injure any one, and I think that 
 but for the recollection of the severe treatment he 
 had received from the banderilleros previously, he 
 would have entered into the spirit of the game with 
 the boys and would have enjoyed it. And yet this 
 * animal had been brought in to be pricked with barbed 
 darts, teased with red cloaks, stabbed with a sword, 
 to have his spine transfixed and his throat cut rough 
 treatment for an animal who refused to harm the 
 children. We left the children playing with him. 
 
 Doctor Echeverria had not discussed the bull farce 
 at the time, nor did he do so on the way back to the 
 hotel, but while we were at dinner he suddenly said 
 in his gentle, deliberate way: 
 
 "Do you know, doctor, there are some things we 
 see in our lives that we can never forget, things that 
 mark off periods in our lives? I feel that this bull- 
 fight is one of those things/' 
 
 "You are right," I said, trying to cheer him. "Il 
 was neither a bull-fight nor a bully fight, it was mere- 
 ly a fight between bulls and bullies." 
 
 In the evening the regular Sunday open-air con- 
 cert was given in the Parque de la Catedral, in front 
 of Hotel Central. We did not go out and prome- 
 nade, for with the morning excursion to the sabanas 
 to tire us, the funeral to depress us, the bull-fight to 
 
204 TO PANAMA 
 
 haunt us, and our failure to win at the lottery to 
 shame us, we were content to retire early and listen 
 to the music and mosquitoes through the bars. 
 
 I lay listening to the well-played music, sometimes 
 loud and martial as for soldiers marching to battle, 
 at other times rhythmic and sensuous as for dancing, 
 or soft and sentimental as for love-making, until I 
 fell asleep to dream. I dreamed of a place where 
 there was no killing for sport, no premature dying from 
 disease, no gambling with lottery tickets, no 
 scale of unearned wages, no rivalry for luxury and 
 no system of imposition upon the weak by the crafty. 
 Such a world there is, but it is in the region of the 
 spirit or in the land of dreams, not in Panama nor in 
 Pan-America. 
 
PART II 
 
 THE PAN-AMERICAN 
 MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
PART II 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 The Opening of the Congress 
 
 Preparations for the Congress Secretary Calvo President 
 Icaza's Hospitality Arrival of the Western Contingent 
 Doctors and Drink Reception by Doctor Amador, 
 President of Panama The Palacio de Gobierno Former 
 Presidents and Governors Mrs. Amador The President 
 Revolutions and Their Origin Opening Exercises 
 of the Congress Eastern Contingent Absent The 
 $25,000 Barrel Speeches by Mr. Wallace, Mr. Robinson, 
 Doctor Gorgas, and Music by the Band The Panama 
 Railway Poetry and Prophecy by Punch. 
 
 On Monday, January 2nd, the preparations for the 
 Pan-American Medical Congress began in earnest. Dr. 
 Jose E. Calvo, the secretary, with a smile that never 
 came off, worked like a little Hercules for the con- 
 gress that almost never came off. Upon his shoulders 
 rested the responsibility of making preparations for 
 the scientific program, and although he was the whole 
 thing, so to speak, he was not even hustling and im- 
 patient in his demeanor. His affability was so great 
 and his manners so quiet that he really seemed meek, 
 
 207 
 
208 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 as all high officials should. High officials so often for- 
 get that they are servants. 
 
 The president of the congress, Dr. Julio Icaza, had 
 no time to smile. In preparing for the social part of 
 the program he did a prodigious amount of work that 
 will never be appreciated by those who went to be 
 entertained, and found it so easy. Early in the after- 
 noon he arrived from Colon, with our Western con- 
 tingent. He and Senor Obarrio, the treasurer of the 
 Republic of Panama, who had $25,000 to devote to 
 the entertainment of the Medical Congress, had gone 
 to receive as befitted the profession of Panama to re- 
 ceive, and the profession of the republic that had done 
 so much for Panama to be received. The treasurer 
 expressed the visitors through from Colon to Panama 
 free of charge and I am sure that President Icaza 
 gave them the South American pledge of hospitality; 
 for, from first to last, he omitted no essential and neg- 
 lected no individual. In the evening he invited Doc- 
 tor Echeverria and me into the barroom and main- 
 tained the elevated dignity of his office, his congress 
 and his country by toasting the United States over a 
 bottle of champagne. 
 
 Champagne is the only appropriate drink for an 
 international toast. It meets the requirements of 
 courtly etiquette and social aristocracy. It has the 
 favor and patronage of kings and connoisseurs, and 
 is adopted and bruited by the nobility abroad and the 
 capitalists at home. It is the royal nectar, the spar- 
 kling sip, the golden prod of pampered palates, the 
 coveted badge of aping mediocrity, the ostentatious 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 209 
 
 smack of upstart opulence. Therefore, let those who 
 can afford aristocratic dissipation and affect the dis- 
 tinction of highborn headaches drink it and feel proud 
 and pampered. But those who are less ambitious can 
 find choicer bouquets in cheaper wines. 
 
 Among the feted and dead-headed travelers I rec- 
 ognized Dr. N. Senn, Sr., Dr. Lucy Waite, Dr. and 
 Mrs. D. R. Brower, and Drs. Jacob Frank, H. P. 
 Newman, A. B. Hale and C. G. Wheeler, all of Chi- 
 cago; Dr. Chas. W. Hughes of St. Louis; Dr. and 
 Mrs. George W. Crile of Cleveland; Dr. Morrow of 
 San Francisco; Dr. and Mrs. Palmer of Janesville, 
 Wis. ; Dr. and Mrs. Edgar P. Cooke of Mendota, 111. ; 
 and Dr. and Mrs. Wilcox of Michigan City, Ind. 
 
 Things immediately became lively about the hotel 
 corridor and barroom. A new world greeted the 
 pilgrims from the wild West and frigid North, and 
 they were pleased with it. Extremes and opposites 
 met, and there was ebullition. 
 
 Colonel Gorgas, Captain Carter, Major La Garde 
 and other U. S. officers and officials called at the hotel 
 during the evening, and also spent considerable time 
 during the days that followed in lounging around try- 
 ing to make us feel at home and adding much to the 
 goodfellowship of our visit. But none of these gen- 
 tlemen drank promiscuous toasts. In fact, I soon 
 learned that the American officers on duty, as well as 
 the Panama physicians, drank but little if any liquor, 
 thus proving the rule that "In Panama one should do 
 as the Panamanians do," by constituting exceptions. 
 Since hard drinking and hard working are both con- 
 u 
 
210 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 sidered to be injurious habits in the tropics, I won- 
 dered at the popularity of the barroom, and conclud- 
 ed that the hard drinkers compromised with their 
 conscience by observing the tropical rules of health 
 concerning hard working. The abstemiousness of 
 the doctors was perhaps on the other hand due to the 
 fact that they indulged in hard work. This abstemi- 
 ousness was greatly to their credit, since from their 
 irregular and strenuous modes of life, doctors, both 
 in and out of the tropics, are apt to become addicted 
 to the use of sedatives and stimulants. I have noticed 
 with regret that in the United States the red nose 
 and mottled cheek is occasionally seen among elder- 
 ly physicians, indicating that many resorts had been 
 had to the fancied comfort, the second-hand cheer and 
 spurious stimulation of alcoholics. Statistics assert 
 that three fourths of the French morphine users are 
 physicians. A knowledge of the effects of evil does 
 not always act as a preventive. 
 
 At 2 P. M. Tuesday we registered as members of 
 the congress and at 4 P. M. attended a reception ten- 
 dered us by Doctor Amador, president of the Repub- 
 lic of Panama, at the Palacio de Gobierno, the Panama 
 White House, which is painted blue. The second or 
 upper floor was occupied by him as a residence, and 
 the lower floor by the treasury department of the state 
 on one side and the soldier-police on the other. The 
 palace was a rectangular, two-story corner one cover- 
 ing about fifty by seventy-five feet, built solidly 
 against the adjoining buildings. The entrance led 
 into a tiled patio or court of about twenty-five by thirty 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 211 
 
 feet, at the rear end of which a broad stairway led up to 
 the balcony. The balcony extended all around the 
 court, and served as an outdoor hall or passageway 
 to the rooms. There was no inner hall, but the rooms 
 were connected by doors so that one could pass from 
 one to the other, the same as is usually the case in 
 palaces and art galleries. In fact, the building served 
 both as palace and art gallery, for around the wall of 
 the rectangular reception-room, hung high up near 
 the ceiling in oval frames, were bust portraits in oil of 
 all of the presidents and governors of Panama from 
 about the year 1855 down to date, with their names and 
 the dates of their terms of office printed under them. 
 There were pictures of twenty-five presidents and 
 thirteen governors, if my memory does not deceive 
 me. The first president served about three months, 
 the second one about thirteen, and the others from a 
 few months to two years only two or three of them 
 longer than that. How they found so many great 
 men in so small a country, willing to give up so short 
 a time from their private business, and risk the lives 
 of their friends in a tit-for-tat with the previous gov- 
 ernment is a matter of no small wonder. Some of 
 them were patriots and some were politicians, or rev- 
 olutionists. Revolution is the Spanish for election. 
 In Spanish America the president holds office until 
 the next revolution. If the revolution is unsuccessful 
 he is elected for another term. The governors, of 
 course, ruled longer than the presidents for they were 
 appointed and supported by the Colombian govern- 
 ment, which, in turn, was for a long time supported 
 
212 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 largely by Panama and de Lesseps. President Ama- 
 dor had previously served a term as governor, and 
 probably would not have been selected as president 
 had he not been a good governor. He was a survival 
 of the fittest. 
 
 President and Mrs. Amador received us in a very 
 gracious and informal manner, and as there were but 
 few present each of us had an opportunity of convers- 
 ing freely with them. All conversed with Mrs. Ama- 
 dor, but only two of us understood or made ourselves 
 understood, for she did not understand and speak En- 
 glish as her husband did. However, she was 
 lively and interesting for all that, and was such a good 
 listener that she kept her guests talking English in 
 their very best style, most of them supposing that 
 they were making a favorable impression. She was 
 a handsome woman of medium height and figure, and 
 much younger and more vigorous looking than her 
 husband, who began to practice medicine about fifty 
 years ago and therefore must have been much older 
 than he appeared. He was tall, slim and serious look- 
 ing. He seemed delicate because slim and quiet, but 
 I believe the slender and delicate looking men work 
 and last better in the tropics than those who carry 
 superfluous flesh which, notwithstanding the pride 
 taken in it by its possessors, is a sign of physical de- 
 terioration. He had a dignified and what might be 
 called a matter-of-fact bearing, with nothing suggest- 
 ive of Spanish or French formality. His appearance 
 was that of a cultured American of quiet tempera- 
 ment who was content to pass unnoticed in a crowd. 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 213 
 
 He was cordial although undemonstrative in his treat- 
 ment of us, and was anxious to do everything in his 
 power to please us and, in fact, did everything he could 
 except get up a revolution for our entertainment. 
 This he utterly refused to do, although it could have 
 been very easily managed anybody could have started 
 a revolution. But he was obstinate. 
 
 The modus operandi of a revolution was about as 
 follows : Whenever a popular man in one of the out- 
 lying districts got tired of work he would throw down 
 the ploughshare and say to his numerous friends, 
 "Come, boys, let's go and tell the president what to do 
 next. If he doesn't want to do it next, why we'll do it. 
 If those little blue-coats in the patio don't tumble over 
 to our side, we'll knock them over, and run the govern- 
 ment on business and patriotic principles, and put the 
 idle money of the treasury in circulation." 
 
 This was the spirit of revolutions in Panama, this 
 democratic spirit that gave any one who had friends 
 the opportunity at any time to serve them by becom- 
 ing their president. Every man had a right to be the 
 president except the man who was. Instead of coun- 
 tenancing this spirit by starting new revolutions for 
 Uncle Sam to quell, the president-doctor offered us 
 the champagne of good-fellowship and the cigaret of 
 peace. This is Uncle Sam's kind of revolution. It 
 is the new brand. The old kind is going out. U. S. 
 is no longer a colonel or a judge ; he is a peacemaker. 
 
 With U. S. out of the way, however, the Panaman- 
 ians are great fighters. They are not a bit afraid of 
 killing one another, and the man who is afraid of 
 
214 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 death and bombs had better not run counter to them 
 when they are out for political sport. But if we (U. 
 S.) carry out our peculiar ideas in Panama and estab- 
 lish permanent peace there, what will become of the 
 warriors and the warlike nation? Will they, and it, 
 not become extinct through change of environment? 
 Will not peace kill more in the end than war ? When 
 Panama has become U.S.-ified will not the Panaman- 
 ians become ossified and inert, and those of U. S. who 
 take their places debilitate and degenerate from dig- 
 ging in canal dirt? Are there not blights as well as 
 blessings of peace? Can the Anglo-Saxons perma- 
 nently conquer the tropics? Not until they grow 
 black in the face. 
 
 In the evening the opening exercises of the congress 
 were held in the theater. We put on our swallowtails 
 and chapeau-claques and sauntered around the cor- 
 ner to the gaily decorated and illuminated theater 
 building to which the band lured us, and where the 
 dignitaries of the republic and Canal Zone awaited us. 
 And they gave us a welcome commensurate with their 
 dignity and the importance of the aims of the con- 
 gress. Nothing was lacking but numbers to render 
 the event one of historical grandeur. However, if 
 the Congresistas were not numerous, a large audi- 
 ence rendered the defect unnoticeable. 
 
 The Eastern contingent was still on the ocean and 
 was missing it all. But they were good sailors and 
 didn't mind it. They were cracking jokes and break- 
 ing bottles over their misfortune, and expecting to 
 get in on the last day, just in time for a "home run." 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 215 
 
 Easterners are rich. They have plenty of opportuni- 
 ties at home to wear swallowtails and listen to music 
 and drink champagne. But we poor Westerners were 
 having the time of our lives. We and a few Central 
 Americans were having it all. We and the $25,000 bar- 
 rel were there. Twenty-five of us were to be enter- 
 tained for four days with it ; $250 a day each. Pana- 
 ma, the poorest of republics, is the most hospitable of 
 nations. Her liberality is without precedent. I thought 
 of the Persian proverb, "It does not thunder until the 
 lightning has struck." The lightning had struck. We 
 were waiting for the thunder. 
 
 On the stage were President Amador, President 
 Icaza, Secretary Calvo, Chief Engineer Wallace, Mr. 
 Robinson, Colonel Gorgas, Major La Garde, Captain 
 Carter and the members of the congress. 
 
 President Amador opened the congress by welcom- 
 ing us in the name of the Republic of Panama. 
 
 The Panama band of thirty pieces then played the 
 National air. 
 
 Mr. Wallace gave a resume of the work accom- 
 plished on the canal. So far it had been necessarily 
 preparatory and consisted mainly of an examination 
 and study of the French work and plans, the clearing 
 away of debris, repair of the old machinery, an exam- 
 ination of the ground, calculation of difficulties, es- 
 timation of the working capacity of new machinery, 
 and the determination of the cost and time required to 
 build a canal at sea level, and one with locks. The ex- 
 cavation of the 100,000,000 cubic feet of dirt and 
 stone at the Culebra cut, and its transportation ten 
 
216 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 miles away where floods could not bring it back, 
 was the dominant feature of the work. It would 
 take nearly three times as long to accomplish this 
 as to construct the other portions of the canal. 
 Mr. Wallace thought that with the improved machin- 
 ery of to-day the construction of a sea-level canal was 
 feasible. However, a canal with locks could be con- 
 structed in a much shorter time and could be deepened 
 while being used, and the sea-level canal could be left 
 as a problem for the next century. This last sugges- 
 tion about the next century, however, was not made 
 by Mr. Wallace. It is my bright idea. 
 
 When the speaker sat down the Panama band again 
 filled the building with stirring strains of music, rest- 
 ing our minds and preparing us for the appreciation 
 of the other addresses. As at the opening of the 
 third Pan-American Medical Congress at Havana 
 three years before, music constituted a liberal part of 
 the program and relieved it of the monotony of con- 
 tinuous speech-making. 
 
 Then Mr. Robinson, who had lived in Panama forty 
 years, and during quite a large part of that time had 
 witnessed about a revolution a year, spoke of the prim- 
 itive conditions before the railroad was built. .It was 
 built under great difficulties and with scarcely any 
 money. It was opened Jan. 31, 1855, and had earned 
 $4,000,000 a year, a pretty good percentage on scarce- 
 ly anything. Its opening constituted the greatest revo- 
 lution the country had ever experienced. 
 
 Apropos of this railroad, Ex-Senator Bill Nye is 
 reported in the Chicago Daily News of April 20, 1905, 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 217 
 
 to have said, "That Panama railway is a cinch. They 
 have one train, which they run over and back daily, 
 and a few cars, the daily operating expense footing 
 up to $39, and one day's income that I was down 
 there, for freight and passengers, was $9,000. It beats 
 any railroad on the globe for profit, according to its 
 equipment and trackage." The inference is that about 
 $9,000 was earned daily with a daily outlay of about 
 $39 and an original investment of almost nothing. If 
 the word Panama means good fishing, this story is 
 appropriately told about Panama. Nevertheless the 
 railroad stock must be good, and Uncle Sam owns 
 the stock. 
 
 Mr. Robinson stated that the canal had been first 
 planned by an American, but had proved a failure be- 
 fore it was begun. It was then planned by the French 
 and had proved a failure after it was begun. The 
 first American attempt showed how not to begin it, 
 the French attempt showed how not to do it, and it 
 was now for the Americans to show how not to fail. 
 
 Mons. de Lesseps was an honest man, but was not 
 a practical engineer. He was getting old at the time 
 he undertook the work, and was in the hands of his 
 friends. His friends, however, couldn't do the work, 
 so they did him ; they wouldn't work anyway, so they 
 worked him every way. But the world still thinks 
 well of him. He was too good for the world about 
 him. 
 
 That the so-called Yankee is the man to build the 
 canal is proved by a poem printed over fifty years ago 
 
218 THE PAN -AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 in the London Punch (1851), of which the following 
 is a quotation: 
 
 O'er Panama there was a scheme 
 
 Long talked of to pursue a 
 Short route which many thought a dream 
 
 By Lake Nicaragua. 
 John Bull discussed the plan on foot, 
 
 With slow irresolution, 
 While Yankee Doodle went and put 
 
 It into execution. 
 
 Mr. Robinson claimed that although yellow fever 
 had always existed in Panama it had not been epi- 
 demic for over fifty years, and the band played long 
 and loud. 
 
 Colonel Gorgas then spoke of the sanitary prob- 
 lems, the most important of which was the killing of 
 a female mosquito. Her death was necessary for the 
 success of the undertaking. This mosquito, whose 
 official name is Stegomyia Fasciata, a second Agrip- 
 pina, was suspected of infecting people with yellow 
 fever twenty years ago by Dr. Carlos J. Finley. Now 
 she is considered to be the sole cause. It will be diffi- 
 cult to dislodge her from the twenty odd villages with 
 12,000 inhabitants scattered over a strip of territory 
 nearly fifty miles long by ten wide. But by means of 
 drainage of most of the surface water, the covering 
 of the rest with oil and screens, the protection of the 
 houses and beds by window screens and mosquito bars 
 and the isolation of all new cases, she will not only 
 be drouthed out, but will not be able to get at any dis- 
 
THE OPENING OF THE CONGRESS 219 
 
 eased or disused individuals to obtain fresh supplies 
 of the poison. 
 
 The sanitary work had hardly been begun, yet al- 
 ready the conditions were very much better than they 
 had ever been before. Uncle Sam is accomplishing 
 great things in the world through his reforms, not 
 only in politics but also in hygiene. It is the only way 
 to conquer the tropics. 
 
 Secretary Calvo made a few graceful remarks ex- 
 tending the hospitality of the city to the members. He 
 announced that the United States, Mexico, Guatemala, 
 Honduras, Costa Rica, San Domingo, Cuba and Peru 
 had sent delegates. 
 
 President Amador then arose as a sign that the ex- 
 ercises were over, and we returned to the hotel to 
 become better acquainted with each other. Afterward 
 we went up to our mosquito bars, enthusiastic over 
 the morrow's program of scientific work as well as 
 the thunder that was to come, and keep on coming. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 Breakfast and Dinner on the Same Day 
 
 Lively Coffee Eleven O'clock Breakfast on the Prairies 
 Appetizers Wasted Music by the Band The National 
 Hymn and Its Composer Laying up for a Rainy 
 Season The Banquet at Hotel Central Menu Trans- 
 lated Musical Program Speeches by Experts; One 
 out of Place and One out of Sight Mixing Wines 
 Nightcaps at the Club Too much Dining. 
 
 On Wednesday we awoke fully fledged members of 
 the $25,000 Pan-American Medical Congress, wonder- 
 ing if from a scientific and assimilative point of view 
 we should be able to accomplish all that the occasion 
 called for. 
 
 It was lively at coffee. Several doctresses and doc- 
 tors' wives were present and they, as well as some of 
 the doctors who had always been accustomed to eat- 
 ing in the morning, had to be instructed in the art of 
 early fasting ; and the poor waiters had to be protect- 
 ed from them. After finding out that nothing but 
 unsweetened oranges, water rolls and bitter coffee 
 with milk were allowed, one lady wanted water in 
 her coffee, another wanted cream, another could not 
 take milk in any form, another wanted tea, jelly, etc., 
 etc. To be served bitter coffee without cream, and to 
 be offered nothing to eat but cold dry water rolls and 
 
 220 
 
BREAKFAST AND DINNER SAME DAY 221 
 
 orange juice, was already enough to condemn the ho- 
 tel and the country. The ladies wished they were 
 home where they could have ham and eggs and fried 
 potatoes, corn muffins and watered coffee weakened 
 with cream. The practice of every-day patriotism 
 should begin with breakfast. 
 
 "Well ! I can't talk all morning in congress on an 
 empty stomach/' said one of the lady doctors. 
 
 "This is terrible," sighed a doctor's wife. "I have 
 to eat to maintain my health and strength." 
 
 "How can you, when you haven't any health and 
 strength?" said her husband. 
 
 "When I eat I believe in having something to chew 
 on," said a stomach specialist. 
 
 "It is terrible to have to fast when you want your 
 breakfast," sighed the doctor's wife. 
 
 "It's foolish to want your breakfast when you have 
 to fast," said her husband. "When you are in Rome, 
 
 "If I could only speak Spanish like a man, I'd stir 
 things up here," said she. 
 
 "If I could only talk like a woman, so would I ; but 
 I'm only a man," said he. 
 
 Upon this one of the doctors stood up and said 
 that he had quite enjoyed his milk-coffee, water rolls 
 and tongue sandwiches. The ladies looked about the 
 room in search of the sandwiches while the men 
 smiled and left the table, declaring that they also had 
 enjoyed them, particularly the sandwiches. 
 
 At eight o'clock cabs drove up and took us to the 
 sdbanas over the same route that I had gone on New 
 
222 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 Year's day. But it was not a holiday and the natives 
 were not exhibiting themselves, and the drive was not 
 very interesting. We stopped at the Country Club 
 grounds, which were not as attractive as those of 
 Senor Arango's place that I had visited, but were 
 much larger and had a roomy two-story frame house 
 with a veranda all around it wide enough to serve us 
 as a dining-room. The club superintended the prepa- 
 rations, although the Washington Hotel of Colon had 
 a contract for the provisions. Hence the provisions 
 were plentiful and the service unexceptionable. 
 
 The day was pleasant and cool for Panama, and 
 quite endurable in the early morning. We wandered 
 about the grounds for a while examining the tropical 
 trees and telling each other all about them. Then we 
 took photographs of ourselves under trees and talked 
 and watched the preparations for the breakfast on the 
 veranda. Some one asked me to go up and look at the 
 house. I did so but only got as far as the veranda, 
 for I noticed a corner room opening on it that was 
 crowded with fellow congresistas ; and after I had 
 succeeded in crowding in saw what would have made 
 Milwaukee and Louisville glad at heart if they had 
 been there. But neither of them were there in the 
 flesh. There was beer, whiskey and White Rock water 
 enough to overcome the drouth of a German regi- 
 ment or the American army. It seemed a pity that 
 some one from Milwaukee was not there to help us 
 out, for there was a heaping hogshead full of Blue 
 Label beer in quart bottles, and not a bottle was 
 opened 'that day; there were two hundred bottles of 
 
CLUB HOUSE ON THE SABANAS 
 Table Being Set for Our Banquet Breakfast 
 
BREAKFAST AND DINNER SAME DAY 223 
 
 White Rock water, and only fifty were opened; there 
 were a dozen quart bottles of whiskey and only ten 
 were drunk. 
 
 Santos Jorge's band of thirty vigorous music-mak- 
 ers was there to give tone and tune to the occasion 
 and did its best to rouse up and intoxicate us with mar- 
 tial and patriotic pieces played at frequent intervals. 
 Mr. Santos Jorge, who was the leader of the band 
 and the almost constant companion of the medical 
 congressmen, was the most prominent musician in the 
 republic. He had been in Panama thirteen years and 
 was the director of the Panama Conservatory of Mu- 
 sic. He had been a student of the Madrid Conserva- 
 tory and took a prize when he graduated. The Himno 
 Istmeno, or Panama National Hymn, is one of his 
 compositions and seemed to compare favorably with 
 the national airs of other countries. His band was 
 made up of whites, negroes and half-breeds, who were 
 all well trained and played well, although a trifle too 
 staccato and fortissimo for our anti-emotional Anglo- 
 Saxon temperament. 
 
 As the slight effect of the early coffee and rolls 
 upon our premature emptiness had worn off by ten 
 o'clock, and there were no more trees or houses on 
 the place to explain and explore, and no new subjects 
 for conversation, we hovered around the veranda lis- 
 tening to music and drinking White Rock for an ap- 
 petite. After having our official picture taken for the 
 benefit of medical history, we sat down to breakfast. 
 
 The tables were spread for a hundred and there 
 were only about forty of us, including Panamanians; 
 
224 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 but as our emptiness grew our courage developed, and 
 each of us laid up enough for a rainy day. The dif- 
 ference between this breakfast, sent by the Washing- 
 ton Hotel from Colon, and the cold bread and bitter 
 coffee breakfast eaten and execrated at the Hotel Cen- 
 tral a few hours before, was freely expressed in femi- 
 nine English, which was loud in praise of Washington 
 and in condemnation of Gran Central. 
 
 We returned to Panama at two o'clock, and occupied 
 our time from three to six with the reading and discus- 
 sion of monographs on surgery and gynecology, to the 
 great satisfaction and entertainment of the readers and 
 talkers. 
 
 At half past seven o'clock we gathered in the large 
 parlor of Hotel Central and waited impatiently for the 
 signal to descend to the banquet. We had eaten 
 enough at eleven o'clock to nourish us for two or more 
 days, and were now to eat enough for four or more 
 days, since the menu was twice as elabrate. But we re- 
 membered that many stomachs are ruined by dieting, 
 and resolved not to be ruined in that way. I give 
 a translation with this menu for the benefit of those 
 who have no dictionary, and no objection. 
 
 MENU. 
 
 HOES D'CEUVRES. 
 Olives. Jambon. Canapes de Caviar. 
 
 POTAGE. 
 Consomm6 Sevign6. 
 
 POISSON. 
 Corbina & la Trouville. 
 
BREAKFAST AND DINNER SAME DAY 225 
 MENU Continued. 
 
 ENTRIES. 
 
 Vol au Vent Richelieu. File" t Piqu6 & la Parisienne. 
 
 PIECE FROIDE. 
 
 Aspic de Foie Gras Bellevue. 
 
 LEGUMES. 
 
 Asperges Sauce Mousseline. 
 
 R6TI. 
 
 Lindonneau a la Broche. Salade de Saison. 
 
 DESSERT. 
 
 Glace Marie Louise. Petits Fours. Piece Mont6e 
 
 VINS. 
 
 Xeres. Chateau La Tour Blanche. Chablis. Margaux. 
 Gorton. Pommard. 
 
 CHAMPAGNES. 
 
 G. H. Mumm. Moet et Chandon. 
 
 TRANSLATION OF MENU. 
 
 EXTRA WORK. 
 
 Olives, Goodleg. Sofas of Caviar. 
 
 POTTAGE. 
 
 Accomplished Sevigne". 
 
 POISON. 
 Crow a la Trouville. 
 
 ENTRIES. 
 
 Fly-away Richelieu. Quilted Thread a la Paris- woman. 
 
 COLD PIECE. 
 Asp Liver Fleshy Fineview. 
 
 LEGGINS. 
 
 Saucy Aspersions of Muslin. 
 
 ROT. 
 London Water a la Spit Salad of the Seasons. 
 
 DISSERTATION. 
 
 Frosted Marie Louise. Small Furnaces. Mounted Play. 
 15 
 
226 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 TRANSLATION OF MENU Continued. 
 
 WINES. 
 
 Xerxes. Catwater of White Tower. Cat Bliss. 
 Magpies. Courting Pomade. 
 
 SHAM PAINS. 
 
 G. H. Mummy. Mouth and Chindown. 
 
 After seeing the bill of fare thus exposed in plain 
 English the reader will realize what an abomination 
 such banquets are, and why the French language is 
 used to express and extenuate them. 
 
 The musical program was well selected and well 
 executed, and deserved to be recorded. The musicians 
 played with great spirit and helped the blood to the 
 brain and the word to the tongue much better than 
 the eight brands of wine and fourteen varieties of 
 food. 
 
 PROGRAMA. 
 
 QUE EJECUTARX LA BANDA REPUBLI&ANA. 
 
 Himno Istmeno, .. ' . . . . S.Jorge A. 
 Vals "Red, White and Blue.". "On American 
 
 Airs," Tovani. 
 
 Sinfonia "Naiade," .... C. Carlini. 
 
 "Ramona" Two-Step, . . . . Johnson 
 
 Mazurka "Feliz ASo," .... Jean Oliver. 
 
 Vals "Amoureuse," Berger. 
 
 Scena e Duetto nelT Opera Rigoletto, . Verdi. 
 
 Two-Step "Yankee Girl," .... Lampe. 
 
 Vals "Les Patineurs," .... Waldteufel 
 
 Selections from "The Prince of Pilsen," . . Luders. 
 
 "American Guard" Quickstep, S' . . Brooks. 
 
 "Quartette di Concerto," .... Perolini. 
 
 El Director, 
 
 SANTOS JORGE A. 
 
BREAKFAST AND DINNER SAME DAY 227 
 
 President Amador and the high functionaries of 
 state were there to encourage us in our efforts to do 
 justice to what was spread before us, and Mrs. Ama- 
 dor and other first ladies of the land were there to 
 inspire the speakers. 
 
 Speeches were made by President Icaza, U. S. Min- 
 ister Barrett, the Panamanian Treasurer, the Minister 
 of War, Doctor Brower, Doctor Senn, and others 
 whose names I did not learn, each in his own language 
 and each one creditable to the speaker and to his coun- 
 try. In order to give a semblance of spontaneity to 
 the speeches, each speaker had a number given him, 
 and when a speaker had spoken and the band had 
 played, the one with the next number would stand 
 up unannounced and speak as if inspired by the pre- 
 ceding speaker and by the occasion. This would have 
 worked charmingly had not the crowd called upon an 
 extra speaker early in the evening. Doctor Brower, 
 whose medieval ancestors had been subject to Span- 
 ish rule, and who inherited the temperament of a 
 Spaniard and the physique of two Spaniards, did 
 not understand Spanish. He, therefore, did not know 
 that an extra man without a number had spoken. So 
 he mistook his count and arose a number ahead of 
 his turn, and ahead of the speaker whom he was to 
 have followed, and whose speech was supposed to in- 
 spire his. But the doctor was equal to the occasion 
 and spoke with as much eloquence as if his speech 
 was in place, and as if people knew who he was and 
 what he said. His speech elicited much applause, 
 particularly from the highest ladies of the land and 
 
228 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 others who did not understand English. It was one 
 of the best speeches of the evening, only it was out of 
 place. 
 
 But the speech of the evening was that of Minister 
 Barrett, who, I suppose, never was, and never will be, a 
 minister of the gospel; he is in politics. His speech 
 was full of wit, satire and good-natured banter, de- 
 livered in a full-chested baritone voice, and made one 
 think that to hear a good after-dinner speech was 
 worth a bad attack of matutinal indigestion. 
 
 The serving at table was quite rapid and satisfactory 
 except that some of the many different kinds of wine 
 looked alike, and tasted quite unlike, and the waiters 
 mixed them up as they went around filling partially 
 emptied glasses. The result was disastrous to the 
 nerves of such connoisseurs as we all were. But in 
 consequence of rapid serving and short speeches, the 
 entertainment was over in time for the guests to go 
 over to the clubs in their cocktail coats, and have more 
 refreshments and a few straight nightcaps to settle 
 the blended wines, and thus oblige no one to get into 
 one of those hotel beds until his mind at least was 
 properly made up. 
 
 Just what kind of water the Panamanians offered 
 the Panamericans, and just what the Panamericans 
 accepted from the Panamanians, I can not say from 
 observation, but I know that the Panamanians offered 
 generously and that the Panamericans were kindly 
 disposed to do their duty. "New occasions teach new 
 duties/' as Lowell said. Feasts are better than fevers 
 and postprandials preferable to postmortems, was the 
 concensus of the congress. 
 
BREAKFAST AND DINNER SAME DAY 229 
 
 Having two more banquets to contend with during 
 the following twenty-four hours, as well as a short 
 scientific session to keep awake at, I sneaked off to 
 bed when others went to the clubs, remembering the 
 proverb that "He who eats and runs away may live 
 to eat some other day," and hoped they were as happy 
 as they thought they were. 
 
 During these two days they dined and dinned us 
 without intermission. Eating and drinking to the 
 strains of stirring music occupied most of our time 
 and attention outside of the scientific meetings, and it 
 became necessary to give more thought to the filling of 
 our stomachs at table than to the unloading of our 
 minds upon the congress. Indeed, it was difficult to 
 enjoy the scientific meetings when the energies were 
 so heavily taxed with gastric and gustatory functions. 
 If we had not had so many good times we should have 
 enjoyed the meeting more. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 Panama Bay and Paramount Barrett 
 
 An Excursion to the Island of Toboga Panama from the 
 Sea A Picturesque Village A Delightful Stroll to the 
 Sanatorium A Banquet Aboard We Return Refreshed 
 and Invigorated A Dinner with Minister Barrett His 
 Travels and Experiences He Wheedles One Empress 
 a.nd Amuses Another, Beats Admiral Dewey, Refuses a 
 Harem, Shocks a Female Boarding-school, Suppresses a 
 Revolution, Discourses upon Elephants and Has a Joke 
 Played upon Him At the Ball Mr. and Mrs. Wallace 
 Twenty-five Thousand Dollars for Grave Digging. 
 
 An excursion and banquet on the bay and a visit 
 to Toboga Island twelve miles out had been planned 
 for us, and we assembled Thursday morning at eight 
 o'clock at the railway station. A short ride by rail 
 took us to the large pier at the Boca or mouth of the 
 canal from which a channel has been dredged through 
 the shallow water out to the Island of Perico. We start- 
 ed from the Boca because the pier at the city of Panama 
 stood on dry land at low tide, and the boats were lying 
 about on their sides much of the time. 
 
 President Amador and Mrs. Amador were present, 
 having embraced this opportunity to make the excur- 
 sion with us and visit their country residence on 
 the Island of Toboga where they were to remain a 
 few days. Colonel Gorgas and Captain Carter and 
 
 230 
 
PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 231 
 
 their families, as well as several other Canal Zone and 
 Panamanian government officials, were also among the 
 passengers. 
 
 Two boats had been engaged and two banquets pre- 
 pared, but as half of the congress was still on the At- 
 lantic Ocean, there was no use in reserving a boat and 
 a banquet for it on the Pacific, so we discharged 
 one boat and took all of the provisions with us on the 
 other, thus guarding against a banqueters' famine. 
 
 As we steamed along the shore our old Spanish- 
 looking town of Panama was on our left and the trop- 
 ical islands on our right. The city, which occupied a 
 rugged projection of land, was a picturesque sight in 
 the intense morning sunlight. The white gleaming 
 walls, dark roofs and deep shadows formed a lively 
 contrast, and were beautifully framed by the blue of 
 the sea below and sky above, and the green of the fo- 
 liage around them. When opposite the city the boat 
 turned stern toward Panama and passed outward be- 
 tween the islands, some of which were quite large 
 and some very small. The small ones looked like 
 mountain-tops and ridges projecting out of the water, 
 and probably formed parts of a submerged ridge. The 
 sea was smooth and the sea breeze felt refreshing 
 and cool to us in our duck pants and pongee coats, 
 and the two hours of riding to Toboga passed quickly 
 and comfortably. The word comfortably expresses a 
 great deal in the tropics, and means more than the 
 words fun and enjoyment. There is a suggestion of 
 good luck and thankfulness in it. 
 
 At Toboga a. cluster of tiny red-tiled houses 
 
232 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 stretched along the shore between the blue sea in front 
 and the higher, densely foliaged land behind, consti- 
 tuting a little fishing village of wondrous beauty as 
 viewed from the boat. Arriving off shore we sent 
 the President and Mrs. Amador to the beach in a 
 row boat, for there was no disfigurement of nature 
 by piers or breakwaters. 
 
 Tempted by the beauty and novelty of the foliage, 
 several of us hired one of the row boats that hovered 
 about the steamer, and were soon on dry land. As a 
 fresh cooling sea breeze was blowing we had a pleas- 
 ant walk of about a quarter of a mile to the sanatori- 
 um, a two-story, wooden, rectangular building which 
 was built on posts over the water's edge and girded 
 by the conventional wide veranda. It is said to have 
 cost about $200,000, and was built for convalescent 
 and debilitated employees of the French Canal Com- 
 pany. In Chicago it could have been built, I should 
 say, for about $2,000, but would have been a ruin long 
 ago. There were good baths and a fine spring near 
 by. With the island-bound bay and cool sea breeze 
 on one side and the luxuriant tropical forest on the 
 other, it was an ideal place for invalids and poets, but 
 a very idle place for well people. It was a place for 
 lounging, dreaming, bathing, smoking, and romantic 
 gazing at the beautiful sky and earth. But active 
 outdoor sports were incompatible with the climate, 
 and the social and business activities that were needful 
 to relieve the monotonous splendor of nature were lack- 
 ing. 
 
 We sauntered back to the landing-place picking 
 
TABOGA ISLAND 
 
PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 233 
 
 ripe mangoes and accepting large pineapples from 
 the natives, who would take no pay because we were 
 guests of the president. Altogether the novelty of 
 the little stroll on this most beautiful of tropical islands 
 produced a feeling of enthusiasm and admiration for 
 nature such as we used to experience as boys when 
 we visited new scenes with new eyes. It seemed like 
 something new under the sun. 
 
 On our way back to Panama we sat down to a ban- 
 quet breakfast of the same character as on the sabanas 
 the day before and which, with the sea air, the stroll 
 on the island, and the starvation "coffee-breakfast" in 
 the early morning to perform the function of appetiz- 
 ers, we ate with as much if not more relish. 
 
 In the evening Dr. Lucy Waite, Doctor Senn and 
 myself dined with the Pan-American peacemaker, John 
 Barrett, and his secretary in their interesting bachelor 
 apartments near Plaza Central. Innumerable pictures 
 and mementoes gathered by Mr. Barrett during his 
 travels and while he was representing the United 
 States at the courts of the mighty, gave the place the 
 interest of a museum of art. We felt that we were 
 fortunate in having him devote an evening to us, for 
 he was one of the busiest men in Panama. But I have 
 learned in my dealings with North Americans that 
 the busiest men nearly always have more time for ex- 
 tra work than those who have not enough to do. A 
 successful, busy man seldom does as others do, and 
 Mr. Barrett did not do as the Panamanians did. The 
 words siesta, gossip and barroom were meaningless 
 to him. He paid no attention to the rule that one should 
 
234 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 neither drink hard nor work hard in the tropics. His 
 motto was: "Work everywhere, drink nowhere." He 
 was such a hustler that grass did not grow under his 
 feet nor hair on his head. He had traveled extensive- 
 ly in the Orient. He had visited the five great vice- 
 roys of China and had sat upon the dais with the Em- 
 press Dowager and had talked her out of 700,000 
 taels. He arrived at Manila only ten days after Ad- 
 miral Dewey, and outstayed him. He became person- 
 ally acquainted with Aguinaldo and thus was more 
 successful than Dewey. The Sultan of Sulu offered 
 him a harem, but he was busy, and had to refuse. 
 While U. S. minister to Siam he accepted, however, 
 an invitation to address the graduating class of the 
 Young Ladies' Seminary of Bangkok, and told them 
 that they were charming young ladies, but soon would 
 be old cows with their tongues hanging out. He had 
 mistranslated his well-prepared English manuscript 
 and had mispronounced what he did not mistranslate. 
 He was excused on account of his youth and beauty, 
 and because he came from a new country where re- 
 fined speech and Oriental etiquette were not culti- 
 vated. He had also been minister to Argentina, but 
 he did not mention the breaches he had made there. 
 Possibly there was not time enough. 
 
 When General Huertas moved on Panama City 
 with an army of 300 men and began to dictate to Pres- 
 ident Amador, Mr. Barrett advised the president to 
 disband the hostile army. The president, to whom this 
 method of warfare was a novelty, humored the young 
 minister and told them to disband. But they refused. 
 
PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 235 
 
 He offered them sixty days' extra pay, half down 
 and half a week after they had disbanded, but they 
 demanded all of the money before disbanding. They 
 might serve without pay but they would not stop serv- 
 ing without pay. Mr. Barrett advised the president not 
 to heed this demand and made an eloquent speech that 
 brought them to terms. He told them that Uncle Sam 
 was back of President Amador. The soldiers were not 
 accustomed to this kind of warfare and disbanded. Af- 
 ter the army had disbanded, their guns were stored in 
 the American warehouse at Ancon and the defense of 
 the city and maintenance of order entrusted to the po- 
 lice, who performed after that the double duty of sol- 
 diers and policemen. And now, with no army except one 
 of words, the words of Uncle Sam, Doctor Amador is 
 secure in his position, and at last, "The path of glory 
 leads to the gray," as the poet Grave wrote. 
 
 Mr. Barrett's delicate private supper was such a re- 
 lief after the gorgeous banquets that we had been 
 working at, that we did not really require any atten- 
 tion from him. His servant was entertaining and re- 
 lieving us to our entire satisfaction. But the worry 
 and responsibilities of public office in an unsettled 
 and up-building foster-republic, and the fatigue of 
 constant activity, did not prevent him giving himself 
 up to our unrestrained enjoyment. 
 
 He gave us much information about Siam, where 
 he was known as "I am, I am, the great white minis- 
 ter at Siam." He said that the Sultan of Siam was 
 very intelligent and progressive, that he had many 
 wives but had decreed that his son and successor 
 
236 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 should have but one, and thus had shown that he 
 possessed the courage of his convictions. Mr. Barrett 
 told us that he had seen Siamese babies smoking ci- 
 gars six inches long, and described a case in point. 
 He said that elephants were not weaned until they were 
 three years old, were not grown up until they were 
 twenty, and that their working days were from thirty- 
 three to sixty-six years. He said that elephants were 
 afraid of mice, and gave an instance in which a mouse 
 stampeded the royal herd, and it took six weeks to get 
 them back in line again. He told us that the white 
 elephant was pink, that the white was all in the white 
 of his eye. 
 
 He and the other foreign diplomats dined once a week 
 at the Emperor's table. Barrett's regular seat was be- 
 side the Empress-in-chief, and it fell to him to enter- 
 tain her. In due time ordinary subjects of conversa- 
 tion had been worn threadbare, and the Empress 
 helped him out by appointing a subject at each dinner 
 for conversation at the next, which enabled him to look 
 up his vocabulary and his ideas. On one occasion she 
 asked him to give her some ideas on ladies' hats. He 
 studied hats in the cyclopedia and dictionary during 
 the few stray moments of quiet and leisure he could 
 find, and came to the dinner feeling competent to 
 address the Empress in her own language on a femi- 
 nine subject. But while he was discoursing eloquently 
 about hats, and mingling Oriental compliments with 
 incidental wisdom, she suddenly burst out laughing 
 and kept on laughing until she burst some stays. The 
 Emperor then became intensely curious to learn how 
 
PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 237 
 
 the White Minister had done it. When finally the 
 lady had gotten through laughing she told him what 
 Mr. Barrett had said, viz.: "Your Majesty wears the 
 most beautiful busts of any empress or queen in the 
 Orient. Their originality of shape and harmony of 
 coloring have charmed many an artist." Mr. Barrett 
 laughed also, thinking that he had pleased the Em- 
 press, but later learned that he had used the word 
 bust in place of hat. However, he had not failed to 
 amuse the Empress, which was quite a distinction. 
 
 Apropos of hats, we asked him why he had not 
 married. He said that he preferred to be happy. His 
 political duties already called upon him to do many 
 things that he knew nothing about, but had not yet ex- 
 acted that. He preferred to be a bachelor, and, as 
 Doctor Waite expressed it, he shone better as a soli- 
 taire. He had read somewhere that wives talk in their 
 sleep. He could endure any kind of babel or babble 
 for eighteen hours a day, but not for twenty-four. 
 
 He had a little joke played upon him at his dinner 
 that was not premeditated. The waiter was a quick 
 and active man, as I suppose everybody about Mr. 
 Barrett must be, and served us rapidly and well. But 
 he got behind in his work and was hurried in serving 
 the dessert, and had allowed the water glasses to be- 
 come empty. He rushed out after water and in his 
 haste grabbed a couple of bottles of white wine in- 
 stead of White Rock water, and filled our tumblers 
 with it. Mr. Barrett was busy talking and did notice 
 the error. We were thirsty, and as the wine was very 
 mild and of excellent quality we gladly drank it like 
 
238 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 water. I merely remarked that it was the best water 
 I had tasted in Panama. We were soon through eat- 
 ing, and just before arising Mr. Barrett somewhat 
 hastily took a large draught out of his tumbler. He 
 swallowed and cleared his throat and looked at us. 
 But as we said nothing, he said nothing, and he prob- 
 ably does not know to-day that we drank his best wine 
 like plain water. 
 
 After giving us another hour of instructive and 
 amusing conversation while sitting on the little Span- 
 ish balcony outside of the windows, he accompanied 
 us to the ball. Here were assembled the beauty and 
 talent of Panama. Preparations had been made for 
 a grand dance and an elaborate supper at many small 
 square, and a few tete-a-tete tables. We met nearly 
 everybody we had met before and many that we had 
 not, both Panamanians and North Americans. The 
 naval officers of the Battleship Boston also added eclat 
 to the occasion. 
 
 I had pleasant chats with our Chicago friends, Mr. 
 and Mrs. Wallace. They lived in a house owned by 
 the U. S. government not far from Plaza Central in 
 the crowded part of the city. But Mr. Wallace had 
 contrived to get out of the crowd to a certain , extent 
 by going upwards. He had built a sort of roof gar- 
 den or open-air story on the top of the house, and had 
 made other improvements that rendered it in comfort, 
 although not in kind, as nearly equal to our North 
 American homes as is consistent with the climate. He 
 was enthusiastic about his canal work and apparently 
 happy, and expecting to keep right on, although a 
 
PANAMA BAY AND PARAMOUNT BARRETT 239 
 
 few months' residence in Panama is a great disillu- 
 sioner. Mrs. Wallace seemed cheerful and contented in 
 her new surroundings and apparently enjoyed great 
 popularity in society. Whether she would have been 
 able to stand the climate for ten or twelve years without 
 injury to her health, and whether he could have re- 
 tained sufficient vigor during such a long sweltering 
 period to prosecute the work, must have been a ques- 
 tion of some concern to him. It certainly would have 
 shortened the natural course of his life somewhat and 
 was not worth while unless there was something in it 
 for him besides money. Wealth is not his who gets it, 
 but his who enjoys it. He who gives a part and risks 
 all of his life, and sacrifices all of his comfort and en- 
 joyment of life, and does the work, deserves credit and 
 appreciation. 
 
 At the time of the reorganization of the Canal Com- 
 mission the newspapers of the country were talking 
 wildly about a hundred thousand dollar man with pow- 
 er and authority to build the canal and build it quickly. 
 They spoke of finding him, but left Mr. Wallace practi- 
 cally out of consideration. I do not doubt but this gave 
 Mr. Wallace an attack of dyspepsia and that he took 
 a gloomy view of things and saw himself at the end of 
 four or five years with his health shattered by strug- 
 gles with climatic and Congressional influences and 
 hindrances, and discarded by a forgetful and impa- 
 tient country. The country had already begun to go 
 back on his contract, and the understanding with him, 
 and I suppose he felt that he had the same right. If 
 it was a question of salary only, why earn it in Panama 
 
240 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 where red heat and yellow fever were suggestive of 
 future rewards and quick realization? Twenty-five 
 or thirty thousand dollars is a small sum for digging 
 one's own grave and then not being allowed to occu- 
 py it. "To thine own self be true ; and . , ." 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 Congress Redivivus 
 
 Visit to the Culebra Cut Culebra RidgeTrying to 
 Learn of Time of Departure of Boats Yellow Fever 
 Causes Stampede The Eastern Contingent Arrives and 
 Visits President Amador All Is Lively Again Last 
 Business Meeting that Was not the Last The Great 
 Eastern Report Another Meeting Voted Wishing Well 
 of Panama. 
 
 On Friday morning the congresistas were taken to 
 the Culebra cut to learn how a little mountain could 
 be gnawed in two, and show how a big breakfast could 
 be swallowed. As I had heard all there was to be said 
 about the cut and had gone through it slowly and com- 
 fortably on an express train, I did not care to hurry 
 through it on foot under a hot sun ; for after all there 
 was more to be imagined than seen. As far as the 
 banquet was concerned there was more to be seen 
 than could be eaten, and my stomach needed rest, 
 not exercise. But the others had had more experience 
 and practice in eating than in fasting or dieting, and 
 naturally preferred doing what they could do best. 
 
 But I can not pass this part of my narrative without 
 indulging in a digression not to my stomach, but 
 to the great Culebra* Mountain Ridge, Nature's pre- 
 
 "Culebra is the Spanish for serpent. 
 
 16 
 
 241 
 
242 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 historic sea serpent, which had successfully stood the 
 test of earthquakes and volcanic action, and had held 
 the impatient oceans apart ever since it arose out of 
 the open sea and divided them. It was there when 
 Columbus discovered the continent, when Cortez 
 fought, Pizarro crossed and Morgan plundered. It 
 witnessed the moving of all the gold that glutted 
 Spain. It laughed at the engineering schemes of ex- 
 plorers. It snored at the pickaxes and shovels of 
 France. It balked the tricks of trusts, the greed of 
 commerce and the changes of time. It is left for U. 
 S. to conquer it. Let U. S. watch and pay. Let U. S. 
 smite the rock and start the water. Let U. S., the only 
 Americans, live up to our pretensions. The eyes of 
 the world are upon U. S. and the great Culebra, the 
 dreaming dragon of Panama snores and sings, "Lass 
 mich schlafen" Let U. S. be wiser than the serpent. 
 Let U. S. return with interest the gold that was car- 
 ried away by Spain, and our children shall conquer 
 the great Culebra. 
 
 I executed a little Chinese shopping after "coffee," 
 and did considerable scouting, trying to learn some- 
 thing about the departure of boats from Colon for 
 New Orleans, but accomplished nothing definite. I 
 had written three days before to W. Andrews & Co., 
 the agents at Colon, and had just received an indefi- 
 nite answer referring me to the Panama Estrella and 
 Herald, in which the arrivals would be announced. 
 This was quite unsatisfactory, for the time of depart- 
 
CONGRESS REDIVIVUS 243 
 
 ure was never known until after the boats had ar- 
 rived. And as they always departed as soon as they 
 had unloaded, and the consignments to Colon were 
 frequently small, I might not have time to get there 
 after the notice had gone through the delays of being 
 printed at Panama nearly a hundred miles from the 
 port. 
 
 I ate my eleven o'clock breakfast in the usual way, 
 and afterward took my siesta in the usual way, and 
 attended the three o'clock scientific meeting in the 
 usual way, feeling much more fit for mental exertion 
 than if I had breakfasted and bibbed in the Culebra 
 cut. Papers on General Medicine were read and our 
 ignorance of life and death scientifically expounded. 
 
 Yellow fever rumors and mosquito stories had been 
 circulating since the evening before and the ladies 
 were becoming panicky and were clamoring to return 
 to Colon to be ready to catch the first ship for home. 
 Five fever patients and two suspects had been dis- 
 covered and taken to the hospital. Hence Doctor and 
 Mrs. Brower, Doctor Waite, Doctor Senn, Doctor and 
 Mrs. Crile, Doctor Newman, Doctor Frank and sev- 
 eral others did not hesitate to take the afternoon train 
 for Colon. I had no fear of yellow fever and malaria 
 since mosquitoes had corners on these markets and 
 had not bitten me, or at least had not succeeded in pen- 
 etrating through my skin. Panama mosquitoes are 
 small and have short stingers. Hence I concluded 
 that it was safe to wait until the next day, in order to 
 
244 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 see and say goodbye to the fashionable Easterners 
 when they "passed first base on their home run." 
 
 About the time our afternoon session, which was the 
 last of the scientific ones, adjourned, the Eastern del- 
 egates arrived under the guidance of the faithful and 
 long-suffering President Icaza, who had been at 
 Colon waiting for them since the evening before. 
 Those of us who had remained accompanied the newly 
 arrived delegates to President Amador's second com- 
 plimentary reception, given in order that none of the 
 members might be slighted. Champagne was again 
 passed around and constituted the only refreshment 
 connected with the congress that the Easterners ar- 
 rived in time to enjoy. And that probably did not 
 come out of the $25,000 barrel. The Westerners had 
 done their duty. 
 
 At the hotel all was lively again, for the new arriv- 
 als more than replaced those who had departed, both 
 in numbers and animation. The closing business meet- 
 ing, scheduled for 8 P. M., was called to order at nine 
 in an immense scantily furnished corner room on the 
 second floor over the barroom. It was called the par- 
 lor. Ladies and guests were present, and the ma- 
 jority of the men were in evening dress. The army 
 medical officers were dressed in white duck suits 
 trimmed with heavy white braid on the front edges 
 of the jackets, on the shoulders, cuffs and outer seams 
 of the trouser legs. This white, fancy dress suit con- 
 stituted a tropical uniform of appropriate beauty and 
 
CONGRESS REDIVIVUS 245 
 
 purity, and was worn on full-dress occasions by gov- 
 ernment officials. A formal speech was made by a del- 
 egate of each country represented, and finally the 
 Eastern contingent asked the privilege of making a 
 report. The favor was courteously granted. 
 
 Doctor MacDonald, of Greater New York, arose 
 and began his report. But the forgotten National 
 band was in attendance below in the patio and, think- 
 ing it their turn, started playing, "There'll Be a Hot 
 Time in the Old Town To-night," so that although 
 the doctor's lips moved vigorously and there was in- 
 telligence in his facial expression, no voice could be 
 heard. The secretary's smile vanished for a moment 
 as he rushed out on the veranda of the patio and waved 
 the well-meaning musical patriots, who had stuck to 
 the congress closer than friends, to silence. When or- 
 der was restored and smiles smoothed out, the speaker 
 began again. 
 
 "Mr. President! Members of the Fourth Pan- 
 American Medical Congress! Physicians of Panama! 
 Conquerors and possessors of this beautiful waist of 
 our glorious continent, of which the United States is 
 the bosom and Brazil the bustle! 
 
 "On behalf of those who, like Achilles, have been 
 beaten about by unpropitious winds ; on behalf of those 
 who were unfortunate enough to embark in an ancient 
 ship called the Athos, built by Greeks and navigated by 
 dagoes, and renamed by us the Pathos, I wish to give 
 greetings, and submit our report to the North Ameri- 
 
246 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 can members, the Middle American members, and the 
 South American member. 
 
 "Our classic ship had chosen December 12, 1904, at 
 n A. M. to sail from Baltimore, and promised to 
 arrive at Colon the next year in time for us to be 
 here to breakfast with you at n A. M. But the ship 
 left one day late. It was bound for a Spanish country 
 where to-morrow is always in time, and where to- 
 morrow never arrives. And the jealous dagoes, not 
 to be outdone by rivals or arrivals on the old Spanish 
 main, added another to-morrow, and another, know- 
 ing that they had only doctors to deal with. 
 
 "And we, like good Samaritans and average physi- 
 cians, allowed them to do as they pleased, viz., to start 
 late and put us in a special ship that has not been 
 seaworthy since the birth of Christ, and is good only 
 for doctors who are supposed to delight in resuscitat- 
 ing one another when shipwrecked. And when we 
 awoke on the day we were to arrive for breakfast we, 
 to our surprise, discovered that we were three days 
 from our destination. We consulted, we agreed, but 
 we found no remedy. We had no firearms about our 
 persons, and only firewater at our disposal. We had 
 lances and poisons and corkscrews with us, but could 
 only kill time. And so we allowed the dagoes to live 
 to bring us here. 
 
 "This, ladies and gentlemen, is our excuse which 
 must, on account of the importance of our mission, 
 go on our records as a matter of history and hysteria, 
 for we had members of both sexes among us. 
 
CONGRESS REDIVIVUS 247 
 
 "But we are here, and desire to thank you for wait- 
 ing for us, for delaying President Amador's recep- 
 tion until this afternoon, and the opening exercises 
 until this evening. We are glad to come in time to 
 assist you in honoring and emptying the $25,000 bar- 
 rel.* 
 
 *The following newspaper clipping deserves to be pre- 
 served as a part of the subsequent history of this remarkable 
 boat: 
 
 FACE DANGERS OF OCEAN. 
 
 VACATION PARTYIN PERIL. 
 
 STEAMER ATHOS ARRIVES OFF SCOTLAND LIGHT-SHIP WITH 
 
 A TALE OF WOE AND A LOT OF SICK AND 
 
 HUNGRY PASSENGERS. 
 
 "NEW YORK, Aug. 22. The steamer Athos, seventeen 
 days late, with eight passengers, a cargo of rotten bananas 
 and the bones of half-eaten sharks on board, arrived off 
 Scotland light-ship late last night. 
 
 "July 30 the Donald Steamship Company's steamer Athos 
 left Port Antonio, Jamaica, for New York, a six day's voyage, 
 with provisions in plenty for this short period. Three hours 
 out of port an eccentric rod on the engine broke, and from 
 that hour until last Sunday, proceeding sometimes only an 
 hour a day under her own steam, the Athos drifted at the 
 mercy of storms, in constant danger of famine, once without 
 drinking water, and receiving supplies from time to time from 
 passing vessels, until the disabled steamer gave up Aug. 20 
 and signaled the Altai for a tow. This steamer brought the 
 Athos to New York. 
 
 "The trouble was in the engine all the time. From July 
 30 to Aug. 7 one to two breaks daily were recorded. The 
 log chronicles the fact that the daily delay was only thirty 
 minutes long Aug. 5. Two days later the catching of the 
 sharks is recorded. Chinamen on board attempted to eat 
 the sharks, but the meat made them ill and the fish were 
 
248 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 One of the congresistas arose to a point of order 
 and informed the ancient orator of the Athos that we 
 were celebrating the closing session, that the meet- 
 ings had been held, the contributions discussed and 
 the contents of the barrel dissipated. 
 
 MacDonald of Athos looked enquiringly at Icaza 
 of Panama who, understanding neither English nor 
 Athos when spoken so fluently, smiled politely and 
 said nothing, while the band taking advantage of a 
 moment of silence, played enthusiastically and loudly. 
 
 "Mr. President," he began again, when the band had 
 
 thrown into the sea During the next two days boats were 
 lowered from the Athos in search of food fish. 
 
 "BANANAS TAINT WATER." 
 
 "Aug. 8 the disabled steamer sighted the steamship Adiron- 
 dack and signaled 'All well on board,' but Aug. 10 the last 
 tank of water was opened and was found to be tainted with 
 the juice of rotting bananas. Some dolphin were caught two 
 days later, and Aug. 13 the incipient famine was relieved by 
 the steamer Montevideo, which supplied provisions. 
 
 "Between Aug. 10 and 17 the engine's shaft was useless, 
 and not only was the steamer forced to drift about while 
 repairs were under way, but for two days of this period a 
 great storm and high seas broke over the helpless steamship. 
 The log meanwhile indicates that more dolphin were caught. 
 Aug. 18 the coupling flange broke and the Athos abandoned 
 the attempt to make New York under her own steam, after 
 twenty days of repeated accidents. It was decided to accept 
 the first offer of a tow. This did not come for two days, 
 during which a second famine was averted by the -steamer 
 Vera, which came alongside the Athos, supplying food and 
 drink. 
 
 "Worse even than the danger of famine and of thirst, the 
 passengers say, was the odor of the decaying banana cargo. 
 
 "At Scotland light-ship last night the tow line broke as 
 a last chapter in her long series of accidents, and the Athos 
 could not repair the broken line in the dark, but anchored 
 for the night, while the Altai brought her passengers to quar- 
 antine. To-day tugs were sent out to bring the Athos into 
 port." 
 
CONGRESS REDIVIVUS 249 
 
 done its duty, "I am glad there is a congresista left 
 to tell the tale. I understand that the previous delib- 
 erations of the congress have been carried on by a 
 minority (since the majority were in the Athos, now 
 the Pathos, holding majority meetings) and are there- 
 fore void. If they are not void, I move that they be 
 voided, and that the congress begin over again." 
 
 The secretary ventured to say that such was an im- 
 possibility since there was nothing left of the $25,000 
 barrel but a barrel of beer, a hundred bottles of 
 White Rock, a can of evaporated cream, and half a 
 bottle of Mountain Dew. 
 
 "Then I withdraw my motion," said the speaker, 
 "and move that all of the meetings held on the Athos, 
 and afterward on the Pathos, be reported in full to 
 the secretary, and be constituted a part of the transac- 
 tions of the Fourth Pan-American Medical Congress. 
 
 The South American delegate arose and spoke 
 against the motion as being irregular and unparlia- 
 mentary, and would establish a bad precedent. He 
 wished to place the vote of the entire continent of 
 South America on record against it. 
 
 Doctor MacDonald replied, saying that he spoke 
 for North America. He was from Greater New 
 York, in which lived one out of every twenty-one per- 
 sons of the United States ; the others lived out of town. 
 Therefore, in behalf of those he represented, he felt 
 it his duty to insist upon the motion. It would en- 
 able the Athosnians or Pathosnians (whichever name 
 might in the future prevail) to hold another closing 
 scientific session manana for the presentation of the 
 Pathos proceedings, and to leave immediately after- 
 
250 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 ward so as to reach Havana on the last day of the 
 meeting of the Pan-American Public Health Asso- 
 ciation and be able to do the same thing there. Mac- 
 Donald was a born leader, and conducted himself 
 more like a man accustomed to dictate terms at the 
 head of a nation rather than at the head of a bed. 
 
 The president listened with rapt attention and, not 
 understanding the New York dialect, smiled politely 
 in approval. Thereupon the secretary put the motion 
 and the Pathosnians, being in the majority, carried it. 
 The secretary explained the situation to the presi- 
 dent, who smiled and nodded, but whether 'twas with 
 pleasure, displeasure or in sarcasm, no one knew. A 
 motion to adjourn to meet at 8 A. M. the next morn- 
 ing prevailed. The band then played Mendels- 
 sohn's "Wedding March" and the meeting broke up 
 brilliantly. 
 
 What transpired at the business meeting the next 
 morning at 8 A. M., I do not know, for I took the train 
 for Colon at seven, fearing to delay any longer lest 
 in the meantime a ship might arrive and set sail with 
 my Chicago friends. 
 
 I was treated well by the Panamanians right up to 
 the end, and will always retain a kind feeling for them 
 and their gentlemanly doctors. I hope that Panama 
 will apply for statehood in the United States in the near 
 future. We like the Panamanians, and wish to take 
 them into our family and share with them our pros- 
 perity, our affections and their afflictions. Colombians 
 are apt to distrust us and believe that we have captured 
 Panama, but they are mistaken. Panama has captured 
 us and our money, and we forgive them. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 To See Ourselves as Others See Us 
 
 Comparisons Our Countrymen Refined in Feeling but often 
 Inconsiderate in Conduct Instances of the Latter Qual- 
 ity Thoughtlessness and Indifference in Public Gour- 
 mands Three Varieties The Young or Simple Gour- 
 mand The Acquired or Temperamental Gourmand 
 The Specialized or Calculating Gourmand Dangers of 
 Gourmandizing Evading the Results. 
 
 To be or not to be polite, that is the question. 
 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 
 The slings and arrows of outrageous manners, 
 As the courteous Spaniard does before U. S., 
 Or to take up arms against a sea of courtesy 
 And, by opposing, end it? To smile to bow 
 No more; and by such conduct end 
 The inconvenience and the thousand amenities 
 Politeness calls for etc. 
 
 During the ride back to Colon on Saturday morn- 
 ing, instead of admiring the scenery I fell into a sort 
 of saturnine revery appropriate to the winding up of a 
 medico-social congress in a country in which hos- 
 pitality and its time-honored formalities had not yet 
 suffered deterioration. I had associated during my 
 first week in Panama with Spanish Americans and 
 cabmen, and during the second week with my own 
 countrymen and, being in the proper mood, could not 
 
252 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 help making comparisons. The Spanish Americans 
 and cabmen had been polite and courteous, while the 
 manners of some of the no less worthy North Ameri- 
 cans had been as unpolished as their boots. 
 
 We have plenty of money as compared with these 
 poor Panamanians, and we know it; everybody knows 
 it. We enjoy spending it freely entertaining and 
 "treating'' friends and acquaintances, or in doing them 
 favors, yet we are apt to be exacting and business- 
 like in our casual relations with strangers whose in- 
 terests conflict with ours or who do not awaken our 
 sympathies. We generally know what ordinary po- 
 liteness demands of us, and practise it upon special 
 occasions when we are on our behavior, but we are 
 too natural to cultivate politeness for its own sake. 
 Society manners have for us a savor of insincerity, 
 and we so often neglect to assume its conventional 
 forms that we finally forget to do so and become im- 
 polite by habit. In crowds we push ahead, fail to 
 give others their rights and commit all sorts of petty 
 improprieties. In registering at a hotel or buying a 
 ticket or choosing a seat in a public place, we are apt 
 to take advantage of those who politely take their 
 turn, unless we are reminded that we must not tres- 
 pass, when we may feel ashamed and subside. In 
 Paris one is knocked down or put out for such behav- 
 ior. Hence, Parisians are polite. 
 
 At Hotel Central a copy of the daily newspaper 
 was placed in the office for reference in looking up 
 announcements and news items, and was kept careful- 
 ly folded at one end of the counter, against an ele- 
 
TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US 253 
 
 vated case, to show that it was not a stray paper. 
 When the members of the congress arrived it soon 
 disappeared. A Westerner, who probably wished to 
 save his nickel and did not think of anything else, 
 came out of the dining-room after breakfast, saw it, 
 took it up, carried it to the front door, seated him- 
 self and read it for twenty minutes. He then put it 
 under him and sat on it. He might at least have re- 
 turned the paper for which he had not paid to its 
 place. He would still have saved his nickel. Prob- 
 ably he knew better than he did, but had acquired the 
 habit of not stopping to think, and anyway didn't care 
 Adam. 
 
 Another instance of thoughtless conduct was that 
 of a very prominent, distinguished-looking physician 
 whom I found sitting at my table one evening when 
 I came to dinner. He was waiting to be served, and 
 sat there with both elbows on the table, gazing dream- 
 ily at the ceiling and nibbling at a crust of bread which 
 he held in both hands. He was probably tired too 
 tired, or perhaps too indifferent, to remember his table 
 manners. Besides there was no one else at the table, 
 and those about him at the other tables were all stran- 
 gers; and what did he care for them, so his elbows 
 were rested and his hunger relieved. 
 
 American travelers will gladly pay a good price 
 for a good meal or a good room, yet will often sneak 
 out of feeing the waiter or porter, when they know 
 it is the custom to give small fees. It may be wrong 
 to fee waiters, but the Bible says there is a time 
 for everything. 
 
254 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 I am sorry to say that a member of the Pan-Ameri- 
 can Medical Congress was guilty of rudeness toward 
 the lovable, ever-smiling secretary, Doctor Calvo. The 
 member refused to pay the full registration fee of ten 
 dollars in gold because a friend who had been to the 
 congress when it met in Mexico, had told him that he 
 only paid five dollars in gold. Doctor Calvo looked 
 at him with that pleasant, meek smile of his, shrugged 
 his shoulders, showed him the printed rules calling for 
 ten dollars in gold, and said, "Ah! In Mexico! Your 
 friend make it go dere, but / can not make it go here," 
 and kept on smiling. A North American official 
 would neither have joked nor smiled, nor have exhibit- 
 ed such politeness a politeness that did credit to the 
 little secretary, and certainly seemed preferable to 
 our sincere but abrupt U. S. method of dealing with 
 such customers. When the objector had left without 
 registering, Doctor Calvo, with a scintillating smile, 
 whispered in my ear the Spanish proverb, "Long 
 journey, long lies." 
 
 This out-and-out, straightforward, honest North 
 American only wanted his rights, and did not stop or 
 care to consider that politeness made it obligatory, 
 and that a finer feeling would have made it a pleasure, 
 to pay even double dues to the half dozen physicians 
 of the smallest and poorest republic on the continent 
 who were straining themselves to entertain a crowd of 
 physicians from the largest and richest republic in the 
 world, and who would be responsible to the printer 
 for the cost of the transactions. He did not refuse, 
 however, to partake of his share of the $25,000 appro- 
 
TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US 255 
 
 priated by their government for our entertainment. 
 A Spaniard under similar circumstances might have 
 felt imposed upon, but he would have smiled and paid 
 which is politeness. "He who sows courtesy reaps 
 friendship," is another Spanish proverb. But the hon- 
 est, home-made doctor could not appreciate foreign- 
 manners and methods, and remarked to a friend, on 
 another occasion, that those Spanish fellows were too 
 blamed polite for him. They reminded him of Josh 
 Billings' geese who lowered their heads while going 
 through a barn doorway eighteen feet high. But that 
 sort of doctors are gradually dying off. Better be 
 such a goose than such a doctor. 
 
 I do not know whether I ought to say anything 
 about our American gourmands or not. Gourmands 
 are indigenous to all countries but there are certain 
 species in this country that are more or less character- 
 istic. In foreign nations, as everywhere, the healthy 
 child is always a gourmand, but he is usually taught 
 table manners quite early unless he belongs to the 
 lower classes, where caste immures him, and where 
 polished manners do not form a part of politeness. 
 But in this country so many men whose parents were 
 uncultured or negligent in their parental duties, are 
 successful in obtaining the means with which to live 
 well and travel, that the American gourmand is met 
 everywhere. When you see him eat, you know what 
 he is, no matter where he is or what he eats. His 
 palate and purse are not in the same class. He car- 
 ries cowboy manners among cultivated people, adver- 
 tising abroad the American brand of "Liberty, equal- 
 ity and fraternity." 
 
256 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 I will mention three concrete cases: one, of the 
 youthful starved gourmand; another, of the mature, 
 temperamental variety, the gourmet; and another, the 
 deliberate, systematic complete gourmand. 
 
 The young gourmand first attracted my attention 
 by his pale complexion, sunken cheeks and spindle 
 legs. I diagnosed consumption at first sight, but was 
 only half right. His sunken uneasy eye suggested 
 starvation. In our conversation which inevitably 
 turned to eating and drinking, he said that he did not 
 see how people could eat too much, and that he never 
 injured himself eating he did not live to eat. I nat- 
 urally inferred that he really was in need of a little 
 gourmandizing. 
 
 I watched him at dinner. He was the first at table 
 and as I came in he sat there eating olives and flirting 
 with wild-eyed impatience, first with one dish, then 
 with another. When soup was served he stretched 
 out his arm to assist the waiter in putting it down, as if 
 afraid that a drop might be spilled; and immediately 
 bowed down his head over it and "done his level best." 
 He had finished it by the time the others were fairly 
 started. He then reached for the chow-chow, put a 
 few pieces on his bread-plate, ate them quickly and 
 sat glancing at the hors-d'oeuvres that were out of his 
 reach. He spoke to no one, but sat leaning slightly 
 forward like a panther ready to spring at meat or 
 whatever might come within his reach. Pretty soon 
 he asked his neighbor to pass him the radishes, and 
 put a few on his plate. Finishing these, he asked for 
 the olives. He was very quiet, and perhaps no one but 
 
TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US 257 
 
 myself, who sat opposite to him, noticed his famine. 
 When the meats began to come, his head went up and 
 his nose was leveled at it like a pointer dog's. He 
 did not, however, eat very much of the meat or veg- 
 etables, but took a large quantity of jelly with it, and 
 afterward more jelly. When the dessert came he 
 helped himself liberally, ate it rapidly and looked at 
 the plates of the others as if he wanted more. While 
 they were eating theirs leisurely and conversing, he 
 handed his plate to the waiter and asked for a clean 
 one. As soon as he got it he reached across the table 
 for an orange and ate it, then an apple, then some 
 raisins. While the others were finishing he sat and 
 watched their plates, first looking longingly at one 
 and then at another, thus tantalizing himself until the 
 last person had left the table. Then as he got up he 
 put an apple and an orange in his pocket. The dinner 
 seemed to be an hour of anxiety and longing rather 
 than an hour of rest and enjoyment. Two hours later 
 he was eating an apple on deck, when his friend, upon 
 noticing it, said, "I declare, you eat about every five 
 minutes in the day." 
 
 I suppose that this stuffed gourmand, this food -con- 
 sumptive, this sweetmeat starveling, this hors 
 d'oeuvre horror, really thought that he did not eat 
 much because he did not believe in eating much hearty 
 food and that hors d'oeuvres, sweets and fruit did not 
 count heavily as food, and that he could eat them all 
 of the time without injury to himself. It is true that 
 there is not a large proportion of food value in most 
 of our Northern fruits nor much proportionate diges- 
 
 17 
 
258 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 tion required, but there is often a great deal of indi- 
 gestion to them. The amount of stomach space and 
 absorption required to accommodate the constant in- 
 flux of the mass of fruits and sweetmeats he ate would 
 have enabled him to appropriate enough meat and 
 bread and butter to fill out the sockets in his eyes, the 
 cups in his cheeks and the bows in his thighs, and con- 
 vert his restive panther expression to that of a sleek, 
 mild-eyed pussy cat. 
 
 The mature, temperamental gourmand is a square 
 trotter with a record. He goes straight for the goal 
 and beats the field. He is talkative and good-natured, 
 and not only enjoys good food but enjoys himself and 
 his surroundings while eating. He is greedy from 
 selfishness and a desire to get all there is out of a 
 meal, rather than greedy from any unnatural craving 
 for food. He has the best he can afford. He fees the 
 waiter and gets served first and well, to the disadvan- 
 tage of others who depend upon the same waiter and 
 always have to wait; he makes waiters of us all. He 
 is frank and open in his conduct and unconscious of 
 inconveniencing others. He is apt to be a good man- 
 ager, and enjoys his success in getting the best of the 
 meal, and supposes that others are also looking out 
 for number one. He has the touch of nature that 
 makes the whole world kin, for we all love the best 
 to eat, and Christian charity should lead us to enjoy 
 seeing others get it. 
 
 The third kind, the many-sided, systematic gour- 
 mand, has not the wild greed of the panther nor the 
 competitive go of the race-horse; he is more like the 
 
TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US 259 
 
 domestic animal. He adapts himself to his surround- 
 ings, and watches for chances. You may eat with him 
 once and notice nothing, for he knows he eats as he 
 ought not, and may dissemble and restrain himself in 
 company. But among intimate friends or among en- 
 tire strangers he indulges himself more or less covert- 
 ly. When he sits down at table he soon begins to help 
 himself to such hors d'oeuvres as are near. He talks 
 a little when not daft after some dish; but if maneu- 
 vering for something, answers questions absent- 
 mindedly, although he may start up and answer more 
 in detail after having obtained what he was after. If 
 the soup is good he eats it quickly, and if he can catch 
 the waiter's eye he may, without attracting attention, 
 get another plate of it. Between courses he keeps 
 himself busy eating of the dainties within reach, or 
 quietly asks his neighbor to pass what is out of his 
 reach. His jaws work constantly and contentedly. If 
 anything is passed he takes some and eats it immedi- 
 ately, and is ready for more, should it be passed back 
 to its place. He is a master of opportunity. If a 
 friend has wine or other delicacy and offers it to him 
 he invariably accepts and takes a liberal quantity, and 
 will usually accept a second time although with a half- 
 expressed excuse for taking it. Or, if his neighbor 
 does not offer it he will delicately hint for it by ques- 
 tioning or by praising it, and when it is offered say, 
 "Just a taste, to see what it is like," and will help 
 himself liberally. He eats steadily and cares but little 
 for conversation until there is an interval when noth- 
 ing is being passed or can be reached or be asked for, 
 
260 THE PAN-AMERICAN MEDICAL CONGRESS 
 
 or until the dessert is served and there is nothing more 
 to be had, when he becomes quite congenial. He is 
 not a suborner of the morals and manners of waiters. 
 He is stingy out of selfishness and smallness, and usual- 
 ly obtains what he wants without recourse to tipping. 
 
 Nature is kind to him in not killing him outright. 
 As a rule, she has arranged our systems so that the 
 excesses partly correct themselves. The superfluous 
 food acts mechanically to evacuate itself from the sys- 
 tem and may for a time act less harmfully than would 
 a constant moderate excess. But Nature is consistent. 
 Appendicitis and gallstones lie in wait for him ; ulcera- 
 tion and cancer of the stomach, diabetes, Bright's dis- 
 ease, rheumatism, gout, asthma, dropsy, apoplexy, etc., 
 are at the other end of his path, and if one of them does 
 not attack him soon, another will later. The danger of 
 living lies in eating. To die of one of these diseases, 
 or to require an operation for appendicitis or gall- 
 stones ought to make the victim ashamed of himself. 
 
 I have not wasted words on our ordinary, every- 
 day business gourmand, the one who dines at home 
 or in a boarding-house, and lunches at restaurants, 
 and goes but little into what is called society. He is 
 a hard worker, perhaps a hustler. He is a necessary 
 evil and is tolerable until he eats, which he does as an 
 automobile travels. He takes large bites in rapid 
 succession, fingers his food to help make schedule time 
 and talks with his mouth full, if he is a talker. He is 
 too numerous to mention and too common to require 
 a description. 
 
TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US 261 
 
 These may not be representative types, but they rep- 
 resent actual observations and they abound. They 
 may not be peculiarly American but they were Ameri- 
 cans. They are somewhat different from European 
 gourmands I have seen. The higher the grade of 
 civilization the less pronounced the types. Each coun- 
 try, in fact, has its own varieties, and they are found 
 everywhere except at the poles. Yet even in the Arc- 
 tic regions travelers are apt to be great gourmands, 
 although seldom gourmets. They have been known 
 to eat everything in sight, from hair oil to shoe polish, 
 from old shoes to dish cloths, and boast of it afterward 
 if they survived it. 
 
PART III 
 
 BACK 
 
PART III 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Accommodations at Colon 
 
 Arrival Queer Methods of the Manager of Washington 
 Hotel Driving People Away The Astor Hotel and the 
 Swiss Hotel The Town Noises Advantages of the Wash- 
 ington Hotel Reason for the Peculiar Treatment The 
 Veranda and the Breeze A Delightful Room to Sleep 
 in A Healthy Situation at Last The Shower Bath and 
 "Next" A Bald-headed Dude in a Three-bedded Room 
 The Meals No More Siestas Needed Gathering Cocoa- 
 nuts and Throwing Them into the Sea A Fine Place for 
 Useless Windmills A Doctor Goes Hunting A Tropical 
 Shower and a Glorious Morning. 
 
 The remainder of the Western contingent, includ- 
 ing myself, arrived at Colon about 10 A. M. on Satur- 
 day, January 7th, and went to the Washington Hotel. 
 As usual the manager had no vacant beds. A guest 
 arriving in the morning would find him busy with his 
 little grocery store that adjoined the hotel office, and 
 could not ascertain whether any vacancies would oc- 
 cur before night or not. If a guest arrived in the af- 
 ternoon the places had been given to those who had 
 arrived in the morning. I knew this and waited until 
 
 265 
 
266 BACK 
 
 the manager could give me more definite information. 
 Doctor and Mrs. Crile and Doctor and Mrs. Palmer, 
 however, were square-dealing and plain-speaking 
 North Americans, and took him at his word when 
 he shrugged his Italian shoulders and said in French 
 that he had no empty beds or rooms. They went to 
 the Astor Hotel where Doctor and Mrs. Brower were 
 stopping and which was located near the center of the 
 town, one short block from the main street and main 
 noises. They said that the food was quite satisfactory 
 after it had been supplemented by the fruit laid in by 
 them and which could always be obtained at the public 
 market. Doctor Brower and his followers seemed to 
 think that in Colon man could live by fruit alone, but 
 many of us felt that we could live by water alone ; and 
 thus we were divided into two camps, one near the 
 market and the other near the sea. A few West- 
 erners who had no patience with the foreign 
 diplomacy of the Washington Hotel manager found 
 good rooms and eatable food at the Swiss Hotel, 
 which was located on the main business thoroughfare 
 called Front Street. There it was noisy within as well 
 as without, for the building was a wooden shell that 
 conveyed the indoor sounds from hall to hall and room 
 to room until the last guest was in bed. A merry-go- 
 round with its shrill music marred the early evening, 
 the carousing public disturbed the late evening and 
 the switch engines and freight trains puffed and rat- 
 tled all night along the main street in a way that sug- 
 gested insomnia. As the town was only three streets 
 wide and the third street was on stilts over stagnant 
 
SQUARE IN COLOX 
 Showing Tent of the Merry-go-round 
 
ACCOMMODATIONS AT COLON 267 
 
 water and inhabited only by negroes, it was impossible 
 to get far away from the noises and noisomeness. Be- 
 sides, the sea breeze did not blow through the town as 
 it blew at the Washington, and the rooms were so hot 
 that refreshing sleep was impossible, even when the din 
 subsided for a few moments. 
 
 The Washington Hotel was, in fact, the only one 
 in which one could live without suffering in health 
 from the heat, noises and inconveniences. It was not 
 a good hotel, but it had three features that rendered 
 it attractive, viz., its name, a bath-house and a sea 
 breeze. The reason for the difficulty in obtaining lodg- 
 ing was that it belonged to the Panama railway and 
 was leased to the manager rent free, with the proviso 
 that he was to be ready at all times to take care of 
 any of the railroad employees that might be sent there. 
 This made it necessary for him to wait until late in the 
 day before filling all of his rooms. His foreign di- 
 plomacy that repelled the doctors was dictated by 
 American business methods. 
 
 While I was waiting, Doctors Frank and Newman 
 invited me to camp with them for a few hours or 
 days until I could get a bed elsewhere. I accepted, 
 and found them located in the same old three-bedded, 
 one-sided, breezeless bunking-place in the wing of 
 the building, that had driven me away two weeks be- 
 fore. It was a sort of room-like receptacle used for 
 late comers. The third bed was occupied by a stran- 
 ger, and the place was so full of the belongings of 
 the three occupants that there was not even space 
 for me to sleep on the floor. 
 
268 BACK 
 
 After piling my things behind the door and under 
 the table I went to the combination sitting-room, 
 writing-room and barroom. This was about twenty 
 feet square and the only place to sit in unless 
 we except the barber's den, which was about ten feet 
 square, and the hotel office, which was of the same 
 size but more than half filled by a large flat desk. The 
 hotel conveniences were practically all out-of-doors, 
 and every one sat on the lower veranda, where the 
 steady sea breeze blew as if from a thousand electric 
 fans. The veranda was worth forty parlors and sit- 
 ting-rooms, and no one complained. 
 
 I waited patiently until the hotel-keeper had taken 
 the indispensable siesta, and was rewarded by getting 
 a bed in a double room on the second or upper floor. 
 It had a door and window facing the sea to let the 
 breeze in, and another door and window on the oppo- 
 site side to let the breeze out, and covered verandas 
 on both sides. By keeping the windows and doors 
 open a veritable gale could be kept blowing through 
 the room and over the beds day and night, thus mak- 
 ing sleep not only possible, but delightful and refresh- 
 ing. It was like being blown into the temperate zone, 
 like going home for the night; and I felt -that with 
 this room and the lower veranda I could remain at 
 Colon a month with great benefit to my health, instead 
 of daily losing ground as those who were staying at the 
 other hotels certainly would. 
 
 Although the bath-house was accessible from the 
 ground floor only, we had a shower bath on our floor 
 that was very convenient and very popular. Every 
 
WASHINGTON HOTEL, STREET FRONT, COLON 
 
 Behind the lower sign a short passageway leading 
 through to the water front 
 
ACCOMMODATIONS AT COLON 269 
 
 morning soon after daybreak and every evening be- 
 fore retiring, the guests put on bath-robes or over- 
 coats, whichever they happened to possess, stole along 
 the veranda to the shower room and had a refreshing 
 time under the shower. The water which was rain- 
 water, was not cold enough to be chilly and could 
 be enjoyed for an almost indefinite time, or until one 
 was obliged to give place to "next." 
 
 As a roommate I had Doctor Morrow of San Fran- 
 cisco, a genial young man of wholesale proportions, 
 who had a ready laugh and knew a thing or two 
 about bubonic plague, leprosy and other interesting 
 curiosities. I was more than satisfied. 
 
 But not so Doctor Frank. The stranger who shared 
 the hot air of the one-sided, three-bedded room with 
 him and Doctor Newman, was a bachelor and a dude 
 who filled the place with toilet articles and perfumes, 
 and spent most of his time undressing and dressing. 
 His best and most constant, possibly his only, friend 
 was the looking-glass. Doctor Frank pointed him 
 out to me in the afternoon as he came sauntering 
 along the walk in front of the veranda: an immacu- 
 lately dressed, red-whiskered, delicate-skinned dandy 
 who had polished the hair off the top of his head and 
 was proud of the incandescent horseshoe fringe that 
 connected his beard with the back of his head. As he 
 sauntered along beaming with self-satisfaction and 
 shining with bare-headed brightness, we gazed at 
 him; and he seemed to think that we were admiring 
 him, and was apparently not displeased. Moral: Be 
 vain and you will be happy. Vanity had at least made 
 
270 BACK 
 
 something out of him. Those who have no vanity 
 live in darkness, undiscovered and unappreciated. 
 
 I did not feel compelled to take siestas here and 
 preferred to stroll about along the breezy beach hunting 
 shells, or sitting on the veranda smoking and talking 
 with Doctors Waite, Senn, Newman, Frank and Mor- 
 row, and with others who came to visit us from the 
 other camp. 
 
 While we were there the negroes gathered the cocoa- 
 nuts and trimmed the cocoa palms that fringed the 
 beach. This was a very interesting sight. A bare- 
 footed negro would put a hatchet in his belt, catch 
 hold of a tree trunk with his hands and rapidly walk 
 up the tree just as a man with spikes fastened on 
 his ankles walks up a telegraph pole, except that he 
 used his bare toes with which to cling to the corru- 
 gated bark. A monkey could not have done better, 
 nor looked better. The cocoa palm that grows on the 
 seashore, although tall, is always slender and some- 
 what inclined, and is thus favorable for climbing. Nev- 
 ertheless the climber must have the great strength of 
 his remote ancestors in his toes, as well as a steady 
 head, to climb so high in that way. Upon arriving 
 at the top he chops off the branches that bear nuts 
 and then trims the tree by removing those that hang 
 downward. In less than ten minutes he is down and 
 toes up the next tree. When all trees were trimmed, 
 the negroes cut off the end of several of the cocoa- 
 nuts, drank the milk and threw them into the sea. 
 Most of the nuts, however, were left lying around, 
 for nobody seemed to want them. 
 
PATH LEADING ACROSS THE LAWN FROM 
 WASHINGTON HOTEL TO THE BEACH 
 
 Showing One of the Cocoa Palms that Bordered 
 
ACCOMMODATIONS AT COLON 271 
 
 What a place this would be for a row of windmills 
 to be kept going by this steady Seabreeze! I won- 
 dered why I had not seen any windmills in Panama. 
 But the negroes did not seem to have much to do but 
 gather cocoanuts and drink the milk and be fanned 
 by the breezes; and as windmills can neither gather 
 the cocoanuts nor drink the milk they would be quite 
 useless and superfluous. Perhaps as the years pass 
 on the canal will be finished and the 20,000 laborers 
 and the high-salaried employees be discharged and the 
 stores that feed, clothe and saloon them be closed; 
 and it may then become necessary to work the land 
 and develop the industries and build windmills and 
 factories. But that time is a long way off. Millions 
 of dollars must find their way to Panama, and thou- 
 sands of deaths be died while windmills wait. Neither 
 windmills nor factories are tropical institutions. 
 
 On Sunday morning Doctor Morrow stumbled audi- 
 bly out of bed at five o'clock and went hunting up the 
 river. But he came back safe and sound in the after- 
 noon, without having gotten anything but plenty of 
 exercise and a few pounds of alligator mud upon his 
 clothes. Not being deaf, I was wide awake when he 
 left, and embraced the opportunity to take an early 
 shower bath and thus turned annoyance into pleasure. 
 Returning from the bath I witnessed the shower bath 
 he was caught in, and wondered if it looked as beauti- 
 ful to him in the swamps as it did to me on the covered 
 veranda. It was a tremendous, I might say terrific, 
 downpour of water. It darkened the heavens and last- 
 ed about twenty minutes, administering the greatest 
 
272 BACK 
 
 Colonic flushing on record. It started suddenly, soon 
 after sunrise, and when it began to pass off the sun 
 shone through it with great brilliancy, developing a 
 heaven full of aurora tints which turned rapidly into 
 deep blue and finally brightened into a glorious, cooled- 
 off, tropical morning. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 Sunday at Colon 
 
 Col6n's Architecture Trying to Procure Information about 
 Ships The Brighton and the Preston Had to Give It 
 upThe Cab Ride on the Beach The Canal Zone Pictur- 
 esque Christobal Cool Breezes Statue of Columbus 
 The Entrance to the Canal Railroad Company's Hospital 
 The Turtle Trap The Bath The Ladies The Shark 
 The Retreat The Embarrassment Uncertainty about 
 the Departure of Boats Crowding a Small Boat 
 Mistakes and Discomforts An Unsatisfactory Explana- 
 tion Rozhestzensky Laying in Private Provisions- 
 Off Late Rough Weather Bocas del Toro Almirante 
 Bay and Chiriqui Lagoon Bocas del Drago and Bocas del 
 Tigre Proposed Naval Station The Town and Its 
 Doctors Plenty of Fruit. 
 
 Colon has one piece of architecture, viz., a church, 
 a more or less Protestant one, the Church of Eng- 
 land. There is nothing else like it in Colon, which is 
 a city of saloons, not of churches. It stands alone 
 and lonely on the seashore across the street, from the 
 Washington Hotel annex or wing, and is thus as far 
 away from the bad people in the town as possible. 
 The congregation is made up largely of Jamaica ne- 
 groes. I do not remember seeing any other churches 
 in this town, nor any church ruins, although eccle- 
 siastically considered, the whole town was a ruin. 
 
 Sunday morning I called at the United Fruit Corn- 
 is 273 
 
274 BACK 
 
 pany's agency and learned that the Brighton, a re- 
 . christened Norwegian steamship with a Norwegian 
 crew, and said to be the smallest boat on the route, 
 would sail Monday; and that the Preston, a larger 
 boat, would arrive Monday and probably sail Tuesday 
 or Wednesday according to the amount of unload- 
 ing to be done. I went to the wharf and looked at the 
 Brighton and gave her up. To be shaken up in her for 
 a week, like shot in a bottle, would be almost sure 
 death. She had one small room amidships to be 
 used as a combination salon, dining-room and smok- 
 ing-room, and eight little cabins near the stern, which 
 opened into a narrow passageway about thirty feet 
 long and three feet wide. The cabins had no place 
 for steamer trunks under the berths, and hardly room 
 enough for two persons to stand side by side on the 
 floor. They were originally intended for the officers 
 of the crew, inasmuch as the ship was not built for 
 passenger service. The space over them was used 
 as a passenger deck, and was about thirty feet by 
 fifteen between the life boats, with the center taken 
 up by a skylight. As the deck was uncovered and 
 unprotected at the sides, there was no place on the 
 boat for the passengers to go to in bad weather except 
 to bed, or to the little dining-room which was pretty 
 well filled by the table. So I returned to the hotel, 
 having gained nothing but an appetite. I would have 
 to wait for the Preston. 
 
 After the eleven o'clock breakfast Doctors Frank, 
 Newman and I sat on the veranda and gazed at the 
 sea and smoked and talked small talk, and thus man- 
 
CHRIST CHURCH AT COLON 
 Seen from a Corner of the Hotel 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 275 
 
 aged to kill time and keep cool until three o'clock. 
 Then we hired a Jamaica negro, with a cab that had 
 seen better days, to drive us everywhere, viz., to the 
 mouth of the canal and then along the seashore in the 
 opposite direction as far as the road went, where we 
 were to have a salt-water swim. 
 
 We drove through the main street to the Canal 
 Zone at the other end of the town. Here the beach 
 curved out seaward to form a projecting area or 
 tongue of land shaded by a grove of tall cocoa palms 
 which gave it a very picturesque appearance. As we 
 entered the grove we saw large and comparatively 
 elegant-looking frame houses and a Catholic church, 
 all of which Mons. De Lesseps had built, at great ex- 
 pense, for himself and his high-salaried officials and 
 their employees. The settlement was called Chris- 
 tobal, after the discoverer of America, and occupied 
 a most charming and salubrious spot. Like the beach 
 of the Washington Hotel, it was fanned by the pre- 
 vailing winds and, like it, was apparently much more 
 breezy and much cooler than the intervening town. 
 We drove through the palm grove, past the well- 
 preserved houses, to the other side of the little penin- 
 sula where the canal opened into Limon Bay. A 
 statue of Columbus that had been presented to the 
 country by the Empress Eugenie twenty years be- 
 fore, stood on a clear plat of ground near the shore 
 in the attitude of watching or guarding the boca or 
 mouth of the canal. We left the cab and sauntered 
 a short distance along the shore of the bay to the 
 boca, finding the way strewn with fragments of 
 
276 BACK 
 
 crockery, tin cans and debris of all kinds, and ob- 
 structed by old car trucks and parts of machinery. The 
 canal here looked like a river or bayou extending 
 through flat, alluvial land. The bay is now a part of 
 the open sea, but when the United States has invest- 
 ed a few hundred thousand dollars in a breakwater 
 it will be converted into a magnificent, protected har- 
 bor. 
 
 We returned to the Washington Hotel and had a 
 cool, pleasant drive for a couple of miles along the 
 shores in the opposite direction. A drive on a tropical 
 beach is always a treat. Although the road may not 
 be well kept it is usually hard and dry, the sea air 
 exhilarating and the luxuriant foliage alluring. We 
 passed the Railroad Company's Hospital, a small 
 frame building standing on posts over the water's 
 edge, which was said to accommodate over one hun- 
 dred patients, but did not look that capacious. I was 
 told that it was poorly supplied with materials and 
 facilities, although this difficulty has, of course, been 
 remedied now that Uncle Sam has finally become in- 
 terested in tropical hygiene. After seeing the surviv- 
 ing evidence of the French sanitary work as shown in 
 the Ancon Hospital, the sanitarium on Toboga Island 
 and the construction of Christobal, it occurred to me 
 that the French had given much attention to sanita- 
 tion as it was then understood, and had spent much 
 money upon it, while the United States was not even 
 providing sufficient medicine. Our legislators were 
 waiting for more deaths and the application of the 
 big stick before conferring independent authority 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 277 
 
 upon the doctors. The American citizen is intelli- 
 gent in all things but health and disease. But he 
 makes up in opinion what he lacks in knowledge. It 
 is for him to decide when doctors are right and when 
 wrong, and which are right and which wrong. 
 
 The road terminated abruptly at the entrance of a 
 small shallow bay. Here we alighted and walked a 
 few hundred yards along the edge of tangled woods 
 to a little palm grove where the shore made an ab- 
 rupt turn. About a hundred feet out from the water's 
 edge a circular empalement twenty feet in diameter 
 had been constructed for catching turtles. Between 
 the turtle trap and shore was the bathing place se- 
 lected by the negro driver, and as no one was about 
 we were soon frolicking in the water. The bottom 
 was sandy and the place left nothing to be desired 
 as a place to get wet in except a little more water. 
 It was waist deep only. We did not venture far be- 
 yond the empaling for fear of sharks and because the 
 water did not get much deeper, but managed never- 
 theless to obtain considerable refreshing exercise and 
 enjoyment. 
 
 When we at last started for shore we saw two ladies 
 and a gentleman standing in the palm grove with 
 their backs toward us and looking up toward the tops 
 of the trees. They had evidently been stopped by us 
 and did not know what to do or where to look. As 
 the road led along the edge of the water they could 
 not get by with dignity and we could not get out with 
 dignity ; and they did not seem to know that our dress- 
 ing quarters were within a few feet of their backs, 
 where we could not dress with dignity. 
 
278 BACK 
 
 Upon looking around to see about moving a little 
 farther away from shore in order to allow them to 
 pass, we saw a slight commotion of the water and a 
 speck of black disappear from the surface. 
 
 "Not that way," said Frank, "I believe that was a 
 shark. And the ripples seem nearer." 
 
 We stared at each other as nonchalantly as possi- 
 ble, expecting at any moment to lose a leg. 
 
 "Well, which is it, boys," I said, "the ladies or the 
 sharks?" 
 
 "The ladies for me," said Frank, who was fat and 
 juicy and would have been the first choice of either 
 a shark or a lady. 
 
 "I don't care," said Newman, who looked like a 
 tough morsel for either of them, and who was lying. 
 
 I said that I would risk the shark. I was born bash- 
 ful and couldn't help it. I could bear to be eaten by 
 sharks, but I couldn't bear to be looked at by ladies. 
 Privately, I knew that sharks were not after dry 
 bones, particularly when meat like Doctor Frank was 
 to be had. 
 
 Doctor Frank, who preferred being eaten by ladies 
 to being looked at by sharks, hurried out and New- 
 man, who began to quake, followed him. They were 
 not seen by the strangers, nor would I have been had 
 I had courage enough to follow them out. They then 
 threw my trousers out to me, and began to dress and 
 told me to do likewise. I remained in the water until 
 I heard a splash behind me and a cry of "shark" 
 from Frank. I hesitated no longer, but screened my- 
 self with my trousers and started out of the water. 
 
MONUMENT TO COLUMBUS, CHRISTOBAL 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 279 
 
 The noise also caused the ladies to look around just 
 as I was emerging. However, I emerged. I had 
 grown brave. So the ladies had to turn around again 
 and gaze at the tops of the palm trees. I thought I 
 detected a faint smile on their faces, and felt ashamed 
 of them. After emerging I learned that Doctor Frank 
 had made the splash by throwing a stone. The negro 
 cabman said that the first rippling of the water was 
 caused by a turtle. Thus does fear make cowards of 
 us all. 
 
 When I was no longer in the way to frighten them, 
 the ladies, who proved to be old girls with calico com- 
 plexions, passed on and went into a little gate that 
 was overgrown with vines, and which had riot been 
 noticed by us. I suppose they lived there, although 
 I could see nothing but trees about and beyond the 
 gate behind which they disappeared. If they had 
 only told us that they would disappear there we would 
 have allowed them to pass. 
 
 We drove back along the shore thinking that Colon 
 was a poor place for surf bathing on account of the 
 sharks and the ladies. 
 
 Monday morning I went to Andrews and Company 
 and learned that the Preston had not been heard from, 
 but was expected during the day. They were, how- 
 ever, uncertain and indifferent as to whether it would 
 require a half day, or one or two days to unload what 
 was intended for this port. Hence I became panicky out 
 of fear that I might lose several days waiting if I did 
 not take the little steamship Brighton. Besides, most 
 of the Chicago members were going to take it, and 
 
2 8o BACK 
 
 I did not relish being left behind by them. Doctor 
 Senn, Who was a good sailor and had been in some of 
 the worst as well as best boats in the world, praised 
 its arrangements immoderately and advised us Chi- 
 cagoans all to take it and have a nice, cosy, comforta- 
 ble time together. We would have plenty of room 
 because the crowd would of course wait for the Pres- 
 ton. He allowed his enthusiasm to sway him, and 
 to prove his sincerity engaged the best room on the 
 boat for Doctor Waite, and the second best for him- 
 self. Doctor and Mrs. Brower were willing to go 
 through yellow flames to get away quickly from yel- 
 low fever. They chose the captain's room, which 
 was next to the dining-room, so that they would not 
 have to walk half of the length of the ship through 
 rain and dashing spray to their meals, as the rest of 
 us would have to do in bad weather. Doctor Frank 
 also was willing to take chances with fire or water, 
 so it brought him quickly back to Anglo-Saxon civil- 
 ization. Doctor Newman, who came to the congress 
 for his health, felt so well and contented that he did 
 not care what he did, provided he did it. He only 
 cared to be away from home-sick-home and with the 
 crowd and, in order to be provided for in any event, 
 he went down to the boat, hunted up the Norwegian 
 steward and engaged Doctor Waite's room for himself 
 and Doctor Frank, not knowing what he did. 
 
 I finally made up my mind to cast my lot with my 
 Chicago friends and accept the week's torture on the 
 Brighton, trusting to the presence of many doctors 
 to keep me alive should I become a sick and helpless 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 281 
 
 stowaway in one of those rudimentary cabins near 
 the rudder. I therefore went to the boat again to see 
 and fee the Viking steward, who was as stupid as 
 responsibility and limited authority could make a 
 fjordman, and engaged as large a part of a room as 
 he would let me have. I had to take a berth in one 
 of two rooms that were left, and which were farthest 
 back, and hoped that no one else would consent to be 
 put back there. But a panic seldom takes one person 
 alone, and when we got off every berth was filled and 
 all officers turned out of their rooms except the pur- 
 ser, who shared his with Doctor Hughes of St. Louis. 
 They all tried to get ahead of the crowd, but the crowd 
 was too smart for them. 
 
 Doctor Senn and Doctor Waite had not only each 
 engaged a separate and entire stateroom of the stew- 
 ard on Sunday, but had reported their choice to An- 
 drews and Company in order to be sure of them. But 
 the steward, who also became panicky at the sight of 
 so many doctors and doctors' fees, gave Doctor 
 Waite's room to Doctors Newman and Frank, and 
 assigned Doctor Waite to Doctor Senn's room he 
 didn't know the difference between a man and wom- 
 an, except in Norway. So when Doctor Senn came 
 to the boat with his trunks and bags and guns, he 
 found the two doctors comfortably settled in Doc- 
 tor Waite's room, and one of them going to bed for 
 a five-days' nap. Doctor Senn's gun was loaded for 
 alligators, but he didn't shoot. It was his custom to 
 think twice before shooting at human beings, and 
 upon second thought he was in doubt whether to 
 
282 BACK 
 
 shoot the doctors, the steward or the United Fruit 
 Company. Finally he said, "They treat us as if we 
 were a load of bananas. I will go to the office and 
 find out about it." 
 
 Upon arriving at the office he walked to the clerk's 
 window and said abruptly: 
 
 "Do I look like a banana?" 
 
 The clerk raised his iron-dyed head, peered over 
 his spectacles in a deliberate way and looked at Doc- 
 tor Senn's yellowish hunting coat and well-rounded 
 figure. 
 
 "Well, I hadn't noticed it. I'm a bit short sighted." 
 
 "I thought so," said the doctor. "Did I not apply 
 for a stateroom for Doctor Waite and another one 
 for myself, and did you not take the money for them?" 
 
 "I dare say you did, sir, and that I did. I always 
 do that. The steward does the rest." 
 
 "Then why did you not tell me that the steward 
 transacts your business?" 
 
 "You didn't ask me, sir. I gave your names to the 
 steward." 
 
 "As a sort of vocal invoice, I suppose. But Doctor 
 Waite was put in my room and that put me out." 
 
 "And without your having any voice in the .matter, 
 I suppose. But don't be put out about it, doctor. It 
 was all a mistake. The steward had your names for 
 the rooms, but he probably thought that the words, 
 'for Doctor Waite,' meant 'wait for doctor/ Funny 
 mistake, wasn't it? He waited, and gave it to the 
 first doctor. Doctor Waite waited too long, you know." 
 
 The clerk was kept in a cage, like a bank teller, 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 283 
 
 and knew that he was safe, for Doctor Senn had not 
 brought his gun and had no training in profanity, 
 and was thus at a disadvantage. He finally recovered 
 sufficiently to say: 
 
 "Why don't you have a time for the arrival and 
 departure of your boats?" 
 
 "Because we can't make time wait upon their ar- 
 rival and departure." 
 
 "But you could place the time for departure so far 
 in the future that they could start on time even when 
 they were behind time. Then all there would be to do 
 would be not to be ahead of time and one could be 
 on hand on time." 
 
 "On time? Ahead of time? Time in Panama? 
 You're joking, you know, and don't know it. You 
 Americans can undoubtedly attend to your own busi- 
 ness, and ought to, but you can't do business here." 
 
 "Yes," said Doctor Senn, "I have found that out. 
 I suppose I must talk to the steward. Perhaps I can 
 make him understand that I am not a banana." 
 
 "Yes, doctor, talk to the steward. Perhaps he'll 
 understand." 
 
 Whereupon the clerk's thin lips closed like a clam 
 shell, and he would neither talk back nor come out 
 of his cage and fight; and Doctor Senn turned away 
 murmuring that it was a sad thing that old heads 
 could not be put on young shoulders, but it was much 
 sadder when they could not be put on old shoulders. 
 
 Thus the organizer of the cosy little sea-party was 
 an outcast. It was left for me to take pity on him and 
 share my covey hole with him. He was grateful to 
 have a place to lay his head. 
 
284 BACK 
 
 However, after much to and fro running around 
 and about the stupid steward, like ants about a lump 
 of sugar, we all succeeded in our one desire, viz., in 
 becoming stowaways in a little tub that was to be 
 delivered to the mercy of the deep, and take great 
 chances, like Rozhestzensky's sacrificed fleet. I could 
 not but feel that we had about the same kind of start- 
 ing out chances as had the unpronounceable admiral 
 with thirteen letters in his name, who should have left 
 authority for others to exercise and mistakes for oth- 
 ers to carry out, like Andrews and Company of United 
 Fruit Company fame. Then he would not have been 
 sent to a certain death at sea, and be sentenced to an 
 uncertain death on land for having been sent to sea. 
 
 When we were nearly ready to start, I met the 
 captain and asked him if he had plenty of mineral 
 water, wine, beer, Scotch whiskey and stomach bit- 
 ters on hand, for there were many Chicago doctors 
 aboard. He said he believed he had none of these in 
 his medicine chest, for he had not expected to have 
 more than a passenger or two, and the crew was quite 
 healthy and did not require any medicines. I then 
 sought Doctor Senn, our party leader, and told him 
 of the fate that threatened the ship. He was speechless 
 for a moment but rallied quickly and said : 
 
 "We must have these things. Let us go and buy 
 some. Let us go immediately. One can live longer 
 without food than without drink." 
 
 So we hunted up a wholesale grocery and liquor 
 store, and each bought a bottle of sherry, a bottle of 
 Black and White and half a dozen bottles of claret. 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 285 
 
 We met the captain in the store also buying MEDI- 
 CINES. But we were afterward more pleased that we 
 had put in our own stock, for there are two kinds of 
 ship wine, one good enough to go do^ n, the other good 
 enough to come up. He had bought what he consid- 
 ered good enough to come up. 
 
 We finally cast loose at noon, one hour late, and 
 did not get our eleven o'clock breakfast until half 
 past two. To wait until half past two, after having 
 trotted about almost constantly since seven, on a cup 
 of coffee and a roll, perspiring profusely and worrying 
 intensely for fear we might not get stowed away at 
 all, and then suffering a shock at the sudden discov- 
 ery at the last moment of the neglected state of the 
 commissary department of the ship, was an appro- 
 priate initiation to what was in store for us. There 
 were about eighteen of us to be fed by a steward who 
 was not accustomed to serve more than one or two 
 who usually served themselves ; and the question was, 
 how many of us would get anything at all ? The ladies 
 were undoubtedly "in for it/' in more ways than one. 
 No boudoir comforts, hair dressers, manicures and 
 ladies' maids for them. 
 
 We all, however, got our breakfast down in time 
 to have it churned by the trade-wind, which was in 
 the ship's quarter and which played with our little 
 boat like a gentle, purring cat with a captive mouse. 
 Doctor Senn and I carried iced sherry to the ladies 
 who began to say, "Oh my!" and "Oh dear!" and 
 "Goodness! I wish I were home," "I'm so sick," etc. 
 
 Pretty soon I began to sympathize with them and 
 
286 BACK 
 
 took a taste of the sherry myself, and lay down on my 
 steamer chair and left the ladies to the care of Doc- 
 tor Senn. 
 
 At six o'clock most of the gentlemen tasted of the 
 dinner, and most of the ladies didn't. But we all got 
 to bed early and without any discoverable mishaps, 
 consoled by the knowledge that soon after daybreak 
 we would be in the sheltered waters of Bocas del 
 Toro. Our little bunks had boards, plain boards, for 
 springs, with thick comforters for mattresses and 
 straw bags for pillows genuine sailor luxuries. But 
 we were glad to stay in them and on them. I won- 
 dered how it must seem to a person who had become 
 accustomed to such a bed by years of service, to put 
 up at a first-class hotel. I suppose that he would feel 
 insecure and would wake up every few minutes in the 
 night with a sensation of falling through space, and 
 would have to feel of the soft mattress to be sure 
 that something solid was under him. 
 
 In the morning the sea was quite rough, but I 
 managed to get on deck just as we steamed trium- 
 phantly between the foamy reefs into the tranquil 
 bay. Beautiful Bocas del Toro! Welcome Almirante 
 Bay! Islas Tropicales! Haven and heaven of the 
 seasick and suffering! 
 
 The large bay was enclosed by luxuriant tropical 
 islands with their white fringes of foamy reefs, and 
 the town looked bright and beautiful beneath the 
 tropical sun and deep blue sky. Numerous little 
 naphtha launches darted about in all directions giv- 
 ing a sense of festivity to the scene. At last we had 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 287 
 
 found something worth coming to see. The tropics 
 were out in all their splendor, and we forgot the other 
 things. Had we taken the Preston we should not 
 have seen Bocas del Toro, for her loading place was 
 Port Limon, which I did not care to see again. Limon 
 had fine piers, a beautiful garden and a new hospital, 
 a trinity of artificial attractions whose origin and 
 pedigree went back to bananas, but here were the 
 beauties of Nature as they came from the hand of their 
 creator. 
 
 Bocas del Toro is the chief seaport town of Pana- 
 ma after Colon and the City of Panama, if not before, 
 and is the center of the banana shipping business of 
 the republic. It is situated in the Almirante Bay, 
 which is the northern end of the Chiriqui Lagoon, 
 but is completely separated from the main lagoon by 
 islands and reefs between which small boats only can 
 pass. The channel leading into the bay is called Bocas 
 del Tigre (Tiger's Mouths), and the channel into the 
 main lagoon, fifteen miles farther south, is called 
 Bocas del Drago (Dragon's Mouths), appropriate 
 names for these wild and dangerous passages as we 
 were soon to learn by experience. The lagoon be- 
 tween these passages is shut off from the sea by a 
 row of islands and reefs placed closely together and 
 surrounded and connected with breakers that reveal 
 the hidden rocks and shallows. Beyond and south of 
 these reefs and Bocas, the lagoon extends into the 
 mainland, forming a body of water forty-five miles 
 long by fifteen wide. It is a magnificent bay and is, 
 I believe, to have a U. S. naval station, for which it is 
 an ideal location. 
 
288 BACK 
 
 Bocas del Toro is nearly two miles from the en- 
 trance of the bay on the narrow end of an inner coral 
 island four miles wide by nine miles long. Although 
 it appeared to us to be situated on the main land, a 
 ride around the point of the island revealed miles of 
 water behind it. The town had the usual shape of 
 the tropical coast towns in Central America, viz., a 
 narrow strip of houses extending for about a mile 
 along the thickly wooded shore. There was no need 
 of piers here for the bananas were brought in launches 
 from the Chanquinola River, which ran through the 
 company's plantation, and were loaded directly on the 
 ships. On account of the protection afforded by the 
 islands and the consequent tranquillity of the water 
 in the bay, this presented no more difficulty than 
 loading from a pier and meant one less handling. It 
 was the plying back and forth of these launches that 
 gave the animated appearance we noted when we ar- 
 rived and made the place look at first glance like a 
 fashionable watering place with many pleasure boats. 
 
 The company sent out a launch and took us ashore, 
 landing us on a little platform near their office build- 
 ing and warehouses. This narrow end of the island, 
 all but the main street, is under water at high tide 
 and out of water at low tide, the difference between 
 high and low tide being twenty-three inches. When 
 we landed it was low tide. Excepting on the main 
 street, the sidewalks and street crossings were built 
 two feet above the ground, and in the slimy side 
 streets we saw innumerable crab holes about which 
 little sea crabs were crawling so thickly that one 
 
COMBINATION STORE AND RESIDENCE AT 
 BOCAS DEL TORO 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 289 
 
 could not have put a foot on the ground without step- 
 ping on two or three of them. They easily had the 
 right of way except on the raised sidewalks. The 
 main street, which was next to the sea, was high and 
 dry however, and had no elevated sidewalks crossing 
 it like the others, and thus was adapted to the passage 
 of vehicles. But I saw neither donkey nor cart and 
 concluded that the highness and dryness of the main 
 street was a luxury rather than a necessity. 
 
 Dr. R. E. Swigart, a young man from Tiffin, Ohio, 
 who had been located here for several years, told us 
 that the overflowing of the tide was a benefit to the 
 town. The salt-water at high tide disinfected and 
 washed away the filth of the negroes who threw their 
 dirt and garbage anywhere and everywhere, and 
 would have rendered the place unsanitary in a short 
 time. He said that they could not be made cleanly in 
 their habits. The authorities had planned to fill in 
 the whole marshy part of the town to a level above 
 high water, and to cut a channel across the narrow 
 end of the island occupied by the town, and thus 
 drain the ground. The place was, however, very 
 healthy as it was, for there was but little sickness ex- 
 cepting malaria, and the doctor thought that, when 
 filled in, the place would become dirty and unhealthy, 
 notwithstanding the drainage. He said that they 
 neither had yellow fever nor typhoid fever. 
 
 The town itself is small, having only about 1,000 
 inhabitants, but there are 30,000 people in the sur- 
 rounding country for whom it is the center of sup- 
 plies. The United Fruit Company's warehouses are 
 
 19 
 
290 BACK 
 
 capable of supplying a large population with general 
 merchandise, but quite a large proportion of the 
 houses are small groceries and fruit stores and provide 
 the people with ordinary comestibles. 
 
 The sea breeze enabled us, without great discom- 
 fort, to walk the entire length of the town and a short 
 distance beyond along the beach at the edge of a dense 
 forest, where all that was lacking were a few mon- 
 keys in the trees to transport us into the real, complete 
 tropics of our juvenile books of travel. On our way 
 back we bought the largest size ripe pineapples for 
 ten cents each, and oranges and limes for almost noth- 
 ing. Doctor Brower, who did not believe in being 
 seasick on an empty stomach, bought a dozen pineap- 
 ples, so that he could be seasick all he wanted to. 
 
 The other two local physicians (besides Doctor 
 Swigart) were Dr. R. H. Wilson from Sterling, Mo,, 
 and Doctor Osterhout from Texas. The latter, a 
 graduate of Jefferson, had been in Central America 
 since 1888, and in Bocas del Toro since 1895. He 
 had charge of the Marine Hospital. The doctors de- 
 voted their whole time to our entertainment and or- 
 ganized two of the most delightful and unique ex- 
 cursions that we had yet taken, affording new experi- 
 ences to all of us. 
 
 The Fruit Company returned us aboard the Brigh- 
 ton with two dozen pineapples (one dozen for Doctor 
 Brower and one dozen for other members of the par- 
 ty), several dozen fresh juicy oranges and many limes. 
 The oranges we get in Chicago taste like chips in com- 
 parison with these juicy ones, ripened on the trees 
 and eaten soon after being picked. 
 
SUNDAY AT COLON 291 
 
 We found breakfast ready on the ship and, being 
 hungry as the result of our exercise, we applied our- 
 selves to it with all of our energies and dispatched it 
 with the celerity and success of true sailors, filling up 
 with solid food and packing it down with juicy fruit. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 After Bananas and Alligators 
 
 A Rough Ride Wild Scenery along the Reefs A Devoted 
 Wife A Recommendation for the Prevention of Divorces 
 A Guide with the Sleeping Sickness An Exhilarating 
 Ride on a Platform Car The Big Banana Plantation 
 About Bananas and Plantains Jamaica Negroes as Labor- 
 ers Beautiful Scenery The Great Ambuscade of the 
 Little Revolution Loading at Night On a Reef all 
 Night Danger, Modern and Ancient Saved by Acci- 
 dent Insurance Return to Almirante Bay The Hunt 
 Organized An Excursion to the Chanquinola River 
 through the Canal A Twelve-mile Plantation Tropical 
 Birds The Toucan, the Greatest of Degenerates 
 Scratching the Alligator's Back The Reason why I Am 
 not an Alligator Hunter How the Trip to the Tropics 
 Was Saved from Being a Failure Work in the North 
 and Loafing in the Tropics Canal Officials and Soldiers. 
 
 The S. S. Brighton had to go into the Chiriqui 
 Lagoon to gather fruit from two large banana plan- 
 tations, and then return to Bocas del Toro to complete 
 its load, thus making an excursion which promised us 
 not a little entertainment. As our ship was too large 
 to pass through the small channels between the 
 islands that separated Almirante Bay from the main 
 lagoon, it would have to enter through Bocas del 
 Tigre and thus be four hours on the way, three of 
 them in the open sea. 
 
 292 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 293 
 
 We started a little before noon taking with us Doc- 
 tors Swigart and Osterhout, who did not hesitate to go, 
 although they knew that we were to return by night 
 and that there were no vacant bunks in the ship. Mr. 
 Reid, a civil engineer who had to make a business trip 
 into the interior, and his wife, who had to see him 
 off, were acquainted with one of the members of our 
 party, and added to our entertainment by engaging 
 passage in our boat. They had lived long in the land 
 of the banana, and thus knew everything we wished 
 to know. Doctor Osterhout took his telescope and de- 
 lighted himself and us with excellent views of the 
 islands and breakers which were never out of sight. 
 Although he had lived in the neighborhood ten years, 
 he seemed even more enthusiastic over the scenery 
 than we were. At least he was enthusiastic until we 
 got into the open sea, when he suddenly lost interest; 
 he said that the sea air always made him sleepy, and 
 forthwith rolled himself up in a blanket and lay on 
 a bench with his back toward us, and stayed there 
 until we had passed through the Tiger's Mouths into 
 the quiet waters of the lagoon. 
 
 It was a pretty sight to steam along in full view 
 of the islands thickly covered with tropical trees and 
 bordered by submerged reefs which converted the 
 sea for half a mile out into curling and splashing 
 foam. In places the waves struck the abrupt shores 
 and leaped twenty or thirty feet into the air to descend 
 in snowy showers. The telescope brought the shore 
 quite near and enabled us to realize the intensity, ac- 
 tivity and grandeur of the perpetual dashing, reced- 
 
294 BACK 
 
 ing, returning and shattering of the waves on the 
 shore, and the immensity of the fields of seething 
 foam. This wild island scenery was entirely different 
 from the peaceful color crowded views that we had 
 enjoyed on our little excursion along the islands of 
 Panama Bay to Toboga. One afforded a peaceful, 
 sensuous sort of enjoyment; the other filled us with 
 wonder and admiration. 
 
 After having been out in the open sea for a short 
 time, the ladies became uncomfortably quiet, and like- 
 wise Doctor Frank, who could always be relied upon. 
 The rest of us found it helpful from time to time to 
 gaze steadfastly at the sky, like saints in Madonna 
 pictures ; or shut our eyes like opossums in trouble ; or 
 lean back and draw deep breaths, like prize fighters in 
 distress; or talk ourselves into a state of tolerance 
 to woe, like stoics in books, in order to pull through. 
 But we managed, nevertheless, to derive some benefit 
 from the fifteen miles of continuous animated pan- 
 orama, and at last arrived at Bocas del Tigre. We 
 entered the lagoon and, presto, wind and waves and 
 woes were gone, and we were alive and well again, 
 including Doctor Osterhout. Mrs. Reid had been, as 
 was her custom, very sick, yet she had insisted upon 
 accompanying her husband as far as the boat went. 
 She had deliberately chosen, even against his wishes, 
 to undergo several hours of sickness in order to 
 spend them with him. Surely the mind of woman is 
 inscrutable, and her ways are beyond the ways of 
 men. Praised be her courage and devotion and cheer- 
 fulness. Woman was made to set man a good exam- 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 295 
 
 pie, although man was not made to follow it. Men 
 are apt to remember Eve as she was, and forget wom- 
 an as she is. Possibly the comparative isolation of a 
 life in a foreign country where there was neither so- 
 cial nor public entertainment, but an abundance of 
 hardship and inconvenience, had drawn them closer 
 together than the -average husband and wife. In any 
 case I would suggest a residence in some half-civil- 
 ized foreign land by those who, after having been mar- 
 ried a few years, imagine they deserve a divorce. If 
 such a residence were made a legal qualification for 
 a divorce, happy marriages might be more common 
 and our courts less crowded. 
 
 Mr. Reid and Doctor Swigart spared no pains to 
 entertain us; but after we had entered the lagoon 
 Doctor Osterhout outdid them, and thus atoned for 
 having gone to sleep in our forlorn company. He had 
 found some one to entertain, and was not to be de- 
 prived of the opportunity. He was a type of our gen- 
 ial and hospitable Southerner, and gave us more in- 
 teresting information about plantations, bananas, ne- 
 groes and internecine wars than if he had been a guide 
 paid to tell us all that there was and was not. 
 
 The little settlement at which we stopped presented 
 much of the varied charm and beauty which had char- 
 acterized all of the tropical seaport towns I had so 
 far seen. The company had built a pier about one 
 hundred yards long upon which the narrow-gauge 
 platform cars were brought to be unloaded directly 
 into the ship. 
 
 Doctor Swigart persuaded the company to put a 
 
296 BACK 
 
 platform car at our disposal for- a ride over the eight 
 miles of railroad that traversed the plantation of 800 
 acres. Chairs were placed upon the car, an engine 
 attached behind, and away we sped at the rate of 
 twenty miles an hour through a sort of artificial lane 
 that had been cut through the forest jungle, and 
 which, by the encroachment Of the foliage, had become 
 so narrow that the branches projecting from the 
 sides often touched us. We went around curves at 
 such a speed that each one had to hold on to the chair 
 of his neighbor in order that those sitting at the sides 
 might not be tipped off. Occasionally we would pass 
 an opening and get a better view of the high forest 
 trees, among which were rubber trees, cedar trees, 
 trumpet trees and other magnificent-looking trees and 
 plants that were beyond even Doctor Osterhout's 
 elastic nomenclature. At one large meadowlike open- 
 ing we saw a herd of sturdy-looking cattle grazing 
 peacefully in a meadow upon which a picturesque lit- 
 tle slaughter-house had been built for their conven- 
 ience. The company did its own slaughtering and 
 thus provided their employees with good fresh meat. 
 After riding for a couple of miles we came to the 
 banana trees, which also grew close up to the rails. 
 Every few hundred yards side-tracks ran out at either 
 side enabling the laborers to load directly on the cars 
 and sent the fruit out on the piers to the steamships. 
 As the temperature is practically the same all the 
 year around, banana trees are planted at any and all 
 seasons and each tree bears twice a year. They do 
 not, however, bear according to the season of the 
 
A BUNCH OF BANANAS 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 297 
 
 year, but according to their individual maturity. Slips 
 are planted at any time, and begin to bear in a year, 
 and thus bananas are maturing and being gathered 
 at all seasons. When a stock is cut off a new one 
 grows out in its place. The ripe bunches grow wrong 
 side up, for when they become heavy the stem 
 bends until at last the end points downward and the 
 individual bananas upward. They are gathered be- 
 fore they are fully grown, otherwise they burst upon 
 ripening and spoil quickly. The yellow ones are cul- 
 tivated almost to the exclusion of the red ones, which 
 have less flavor (although perhaps a more delicate 
 one) and have, I believe, poorer keeping qualities. 
 
 Doctor Osterhout bribed a negro to find a couple of 
 bunches of plantains to be cooked for us on the ship. 
 The plantain resembles the yellow banana but is near- 
 ly twice as long and is not palatable until cooked. 
 When ripe it may either be roasted in the rind or be 
 cut in slices and fried. It has not such a rich fruity 
 flavor as the banana, but is very nourishing and makes 
 a better dish for the table. Those served on the boat 
 were fried and had a slightly tart taste, and were very 
 acceptable as a substitute for fresh vegetables. 
 
 The plantations are worked by Jamaica negroes, 
 who are hardier and better laborers than the natives 
 and are said to be good-natured, docile and content. 
 They gathered in crowds to see us pass, for some one 
 had told them that the governor of Jamaica was one 
 of our party, and Doctor Senn was designated as the 
 man. The doctor bore the honor with becoming dig- 
 nity and left them with the impression that he was 
 
298 BACK 
 
 genuine. They showed great respect toward him 
 and were evidently loyal British subjects. 
 
 We soon rode into a wide valley along which the 
 plantation extended for miles. A lively river ran 
 through it and steep hills arose on either side becom- 
 ing progressively higher and more rugged. A succes- 
 sion of beautiful and varying views of mountain, for- 
 est and river scenery was thus presented to us as we 
 rushed around the curves in an almost constant state 
 of exhilaration for fear of being swung off into the 
 bushes and having our faces scratched. 
 
 We stopped at the spot where, during the recent 
 revolution, the insurgents had ambushed the govern- 
 ment troops. The insurgents, 1,000 in number, stood 
 on the steep side of a round hill near the railroad 
 track where the train bearing the regulars had to 
 pass. But the foliage on the hill was so dense that 
 not an insurgent or field-piece could be seen from the 
 cars, nor did it look as if there was room for field- 
 pieces between the trees. When, however, the train 
 arrived nearly opposite the rebels, they opened fire 
 with gun and cannon, killing the helpless troops in 
 great numbers. The vivid conception of this horrible 
 tragedy, occurring so recently on the very spot we 
 halted that I looked about me for blood stains, inter- 
 fered somewhat with the full enjoyment of the scen- 
 ery. 
 
 When we returned, the ship proceeded to the other 
 landing not far away to take on bananas in the dark 
 and start back for Bocas del Toro in time to be there 
 at daybreak. The success of this plan would have 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 299 
 
 saved us three hours of distress, for we would have 
 been asleep during the passage through the choppy 
 sea outside of the reefs. But neither sleep nor a night 
 ride was granted us by destiny. 
 
 As it was raining, I retired early and fell asleep 
 about the time the loading in the lagoon was finished, 
 expecting to awake at Bocas del Toro in Almirante 
 Bay. About midnight, however, I was awakened 
 by the noise of the machinery. The screw would start 
 up with a terrific noise, then stop for a few moments 
 and begin again. I soon became aware of the fact 
 that the ship was not moving forward, but only shak- 
 ing itself like a dog emerging from the water. But 
 why it should want to stay there and shake itself all 
 night and churn us up in its vitals, I could not divine, 
 and lay hoping that it would quiet down or go ahead 
 before bursting something. 
 
 At seven o'clock we began to move at last, and I 
 went on deck and learned the truth, viz., that the negro 
 pilot had attempted to find his way out through the 
 channel and, as the night was dark and rainy, had 
 run the boat on a reef. There was no lighthouse to 
 mark the channel, but he, like Admiral Rozhestzen- 
 sky, had his orders to go and come, and like 
 Rozh nsky, he had to try his luck. If the reef had 
 not been planed off by Providence and sunk just to 
 the right depth to let us get on and off easily, and 
 had not the wind and waves been kept down, the sec- 
 ond-hand ship would have been wrecked and our 
 steamer trunks lost. But the above-mentioned com- 
 bination of circumstances had conspired in our favor, 
 
300 BACK 
 
 a combination, take it all in all, the like of which we 
 shall never see again. As it was, the boat must have 
 suffered considerable damage and might not have been 
 able to live in the West Indian storm that was wait- 
 ing for it and us. 
 
 However, I took the matter coolly during the time 
 of danger, and also afterward when I learned that 
 there had been danger, for I was a student of statis- 
 tics and knew that men are ten times as safe on a ship 
 as on land and that more accidents occur to people 
 in their homes than while riding on the cars. Bankers 
 suffer twice as many accidents as policemen, and car- 
 penters nine times as many. Railroad conductors are 
 considered good risks by the accident insurance com- 
 panies, and commercial travelers the very best. In 
 fact, statistics prove that there is danger everywhere. 
 There is danger in crossing a street, danger in open- 
 ing a window and in shutting a door, danger in bath- 
 ing and danger in taking off a coat. There is even 
 danger in sleeping, for many accidents take place 
 during sleep, and most people die in bed. 
 
 I felt thankful that we were not living in the times 
 of ancient Rome where danger and death were the 
 rule, and survival was accidental, if we may, credit 
 an account of the conditions once prevalent there 
 given by one evidently who knew what he was writ- 
 ing about. 
 
 "Owing to the great noise in the streets, none but 
 the rich could sleep, while most invalids died from 
 want of rest and well- people from suicide or acci- 
 dents. A stream of carriages was continually passing 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 301 
 
 in the narrow and crooked thoroughfares, and the 
 drivers were perpetually engaged in noisy disputes 
 and foul abuse of one another. If you were in haste, 
 your passage was obstructed by the crowd. If you 
 loitered, a rich man's litter, borne aloft on stout shoul- 
 ders, jostled you aside; those behind pressed upon 
 your back; one man would dig into you with his el- 
 bow ; another with a sharp pole ; your shoulder would 
 be struck by a joist, your head by a beam, and a cask 
 would bark your shins. Your legs were bespattered 
 with mud, on all sides you were trodden on, and the 
 nail of a soldier's boot would stick in your toe. The 
 cooks scattered the burning coals as they hurried by 
 with their patrons' meals, and your clothing was torn 
 into shreds. One wagon loaded with a fir tree, an- 
 other with a huge pine, shook the streets as they ad- 
 vanced, the rear ends waving to and fro, felling the 
 people right and left. Another wagon was loaded 
 with stones from the quarries of the Apenines, and 
 when the axle broke the mass was precipitated on 
 the people. Who could find his scattered limbs or 
 gather up his carcass thus ground to powder? Then 
 there were the dangers of the night when broken 
 crockery, thrown out of lofty windows, made dents 
 in pavements and skulls. Indeed, there were as many 
 fates awaiting you as windows where you passed. 
 You might thank your lucky stars when they threw 
 only the contents of the basins and pots upon you. 
 Rash was he who went to supper without first making 
 out his will. Or your life was put in jeopardy by 
 some drunken and ill-tempered fellow who picked a 
 
302 BACK 
 
 quarrel with every first person he met. He took care 
 to avoid the scarlet cloak and the long train of at- 
 tendants, the many lights and the brazen lamp, but 
 you whom the moon alone attended he assassinated. 
 Or you met a worse fate if you fell into the hands of 
 the soldiers, driven by a mob and legging it about 
 the streets, and who would crack your head as if 
 they were cracking a joke, and thus revenge them- 
 selves on the pursuing mob/' 
 
 Thus in ancient Rome they needed insurance and 
 only had assurance, while nowadays we have insur- 
 ance but only need assurance. In modern life danger 
 is minimized and insurance magnified. I was quite 
 heavily insured against accident, and my observation 
 and experience had been that the heavier the insurance 
 the slighter the danger, and the slighter the danger, the 
 heavier the insurance. This is the policy of the com- 
 panies. The only difficulty about insurance is to get 
 enough to entirely avert danger. It is a subject for 
 statistics. Statistics never lie to insurance companies, 
 for they have policy holders to make good and an ad- 
 vertisement system to make policy holders. 
 
 Those who did not carry much insurance were con- 
 siderably frightened, particularly after the danger was 
 over and they learned of it, and even to this day they 
 talk with bulging eyes of the might-have-been disaster. 
 Accident insurance, therefore, should be carried for the 
 comfort it affords both before and after the dangers 
 are past, as a remedy for nervousness. You go into 
 danger with a prospect of making your family the 
 present of a snug little sum of money, and are thus 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 303 
 
 braver and more cheerful; that is, if you are a mar- 
 ried man. A bachelor may be brave, but death for 
 him has no cheerful side. He has to depend upon 
 life. 
 
 Mrs. Reid, in trying to spend more time with her 
 husband, was fortunate enough to be left behind. She 
 thus would have two or three more happy days with 
 him before the next ship would come for bananas, and 
 she would then return at night according to the reg- 
 ular custom. She would, of course, have to take her 
 chances with the reefs if the night should happen to 
 be dark; but who would hesitate to choose between 
 a slight death risk at night and certain deathly sick- 
 ness by day? I think it quite likely that her husband 
 did not allow her to risk the passage of the Tiger's 
 Mouths in such a night. 
 
 We bore up pretty well during the trying three 
 hours at sea, all but Doctor Frank and the ladies. 
 Doctor Osterhout was again taken with one of his 
 drowsy, unsociable spells soon after we got out in 
 the open sea ; he. lay down on the bench and covered 
 his head, as usual, and was not heard from again un- 
 til we entered the tranquil waters of Almirante Bay 
 just in time for the eleven o'clock breakfast. He 
 seemed to have the faculty of awakening whenever 
 he wanted to eat or talk. 
 
 Doctor Senn had been hinting enthusiastically about 
 an alligator hunt, so the local doctors organized an ex- 
 cursion up the Chanquinola River, which ran through 
 the company's plantation. The plantation, according 
 to Doctor Osterhout's information, contained 1,000 
 
304 BACK 
 
 acres of land and was twelve miles long; but he did 
 not say how wide that would make it. The reader 
 can easily figure out the width for himself, or if he 
 can not, let him get one of his boys or girls who is 
 going to school do it for him they are fresh in math- 
 ematics. The river is about 1,200 feet wide and quite 
 deep, but as its mouth is completely closed to naviga- 
 tion by reefs, the company had dug a channel about 
 twenty feet wide and eight miles long connecting it 
 with Almirante Bay. 
 
 A steam launch having been placed at our disposal, 
 we steamed across the bay to the mainland, which was 
 several miles from Bocas del Toro, entered the con- 
 necting channel, and were soon gliding through the 
 jungle. On our left the forest came to the water's 
 edge ; on the right a narrow pathway had been cleared 
 for pedestrians. Without this cleared way pedestrians 
 would not have been able to reach the different sta- 
 tions along the canal. A fine rain was falling a large 
 part of the time, but Doctor Senn and Doctor Oster- 
 hout sat upon the awning with their legs dangling 
 down over the edge, shooting birds and looking for 
 alligators. The rest of us sat or stood comfortably 
 under the awning and, thus protected, enjoyed the 
 novel scenery. The most interesting part was watch- 
 ing the tropical birds of many sizes, shapes and colors 
 that flew incessantly from one part of the impenetra- 
 ble wilderness across our path to settle down in an- 
 other, some remaining on the trees where we could get 
 a better view of them as we passed, others disappear- 
 ing in the jungle as suddenly as they had appeared. 
 
TOUCAN, OR PREACHER BIRD 
 

 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 305 
 
 We saw cockatoos, parrots, toucans and a great varie- 
 ty of small birds, which, taken together, might be 
 said to be almost as numerous as sparrows about our 
 Northern houses and gardens. Although Doctor 
 Senn killed a large number of them as they flew by, 
 we could seldom get one because they fell into the 
 tangle of the dense underbrush. 
 
 The most common of the larger birds was the tou- 
 can, the most extraordinary degenerate in the whole 
 animal kingdom, not even excepting man. It has a 
 nose as long as its body. Pluck out its feathers and 
 you can not tell which is the degenerate part, the 
 enormously developed, six-inch bill or the compara- 
 tively puny, six-inch body. The bill is certainly the 
 best developed of the two and capable of giving the 
 body the best possible chance of gathering food and 
 surviving where other species might die out. Perhaps 
 this adaptability for feeding itself accounted for the 
 great number we saw in comparison with the smaller 
 number of others of any one kind. But how the bird 
 manages to escape indigestion is certainly a mystery. 
 One mouthful ought to replete it beyond recovery. 
 The color of the bill is a softly blended mixture of 
 red, yellow, blue and green, and the body a gaudy 
 combination of the same. The bird is called by the 
 natives the "preacher bird" because it owes its rep- 
 utation to the development of its mouth ; and one va- 
 riety has a black body like a preacher. But I myself 
 would have called it the "fashion bird" because it re- 
 sembles a woman of fashion; for it attracts attention 
 from a distance by the enormity of its headgear, and 
 20 
 
306 BACK 
 
 when the body arrives you are confronted with a bunch 
 of beautiful frills and feathers, a "thing of beauty and 
 a joy forever." 
 
 But Doctor Senn was out for alligators, for some- 
 thing that could not fly away and get lost in the jun- 
 gle after it was killed, and he would have sat on the 
 sharp edge of the awning with his feet in midair for 
 a week rather than miss the big game. He did thus 
 sit for four hours, and was finally rewarded. After 
 traversing eight miles of wilderness, we came to the 
 river and steamed upstream a few miles, enjoying 
 extended views of hill and valley ; and on our way back 
 spied the alligator. He was lying on his stomach 
 basking in the sun, which had come out after the rain 
 and which was drying off his back and Doctor Senn's 
 legs. He looked immense, sprawled out at the water's 
 edge in an attitude of the greatest reptilian comfort 
 and content, as if seeming to say, "You scratch my 
 back and I'll scratch yours." Doctor Senn took in 
 the situation and scratched his back. 
 
 As we were several hundred feet away, it was im- 
 possible to say just where the bullet struck. The alli- 
 'gator knew, however, and was satisfied with one 
 scratch, for he flopped into the water and disappeared 
 as if he had been shot and we left him for dead. It 
 occurred to me that there were three things an alli- 
 gator hunter has to contend with, viz., first, to find 
 his game ; next, to kill it, and, last, to get it. But for 
 these difficulties I might enjoy alligator hunting my- 
 self. 
 
 As we glided back late in the afternoon through the 
 
AFTER BANANAS AND ALLIGATORS 307 
 
 still waters of the artificial forest channel, closely 
 hemmed in on either side by the mysterious solitude 
 of omnipotent Nature, and which was now silent and 
 strewn with the dead reminders of Doctor Senn's fell 
 ambition, it seemed to me that these two excursions 
 to the banana plantations would have saved my trip 
 to the tropics from failure even if the congress had 
 not served as the fulfillment of a joyous scientific duty. 
 Nothing else had come up to my expectations, except 
 bad weather, seasickness and the $25,000 barrel. Now 
 I had had my reward and felt that traveling in the 
 tropics surpassed all other travel in the world some- 
 times for good and sometimes for bad. Staying at 
 home is the only thing that beats it in either respect. 
 Any fool can travel in the tropics but it takes a wise 
 man, or a poor man, to stay at home. Blessed are the 
 wise, and the poor. 
 
 However, there have been wise men who went to 
 Panama ; but they came back again. Work was made 
 for the white man in the North and probably for the 
 negro in the temperate South, but no work was in- 
 tended to be done by any one in tropical regions, un- 
 less he goes up on a high mountain to do it. The 
 Northerner, by centuries of practice, has acquired im- 
 munity from the bad effects of work in temperate cli- 
 mates, but this immunity soon wears out when he goes 
 to the tropics, just as the immunity from the bad ef- 
 fects of loafing wears off when the native of the trop- 
 ics comes North. The bad effects of work are en- 
 demic in the tropics and are only kept from becoming 
 epidemic by the small amount of work done. I hope 
 
3 o8 BACK 
 
 that the new canal officials and engineers will be sol- 
 diers and will, like our army officers already stationed 
 at Panama, prove an exception to human nature and 
 will become immune to the laws of human nature and 
 do some work on the ground, and that they will live 
 long enough.* 
 
 *The above was written before the president undertook to construct the 
 canal through the agency of army officers and thus removes all doubt about 
 the wisdom of his course. The work is now being done for the benefit of 
 the United States instead of for the benefit of engineers and contractors. 
 The adoption of this course was a happy thought of a great administration. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 From Bad to Worse 
 
 Out of Provisions Shopping for Wet Goods in the Dark 
 Mud and Rain Artistic Imitation of Jamaica Cigars 
 Smoking for Fair Weather A Stoic Doctor Ingratitude 
 A Model Roommate A $1,200 Bill for False Labels- 
 Spoiling a Good Article with a Poor Price Prepared to 
 Fast The Greatest Mathematician and Gravest Phi- 
 losopher of Modern Times Rough Weather A Ladies' 
 Man In Protected Waters All on Deck A Sudden 
 Arrival An Unsuccessful Attempt A Rolling Ship 
 Gathers no Stoics A Charge on a Steamer Chair Wash- 
 ing the Deck with White Rock Water Female Sym- 
 pathy A Dispute between Two Old Friends A Broken 
 Chair A Retreat An Immune from Seasickness 
 Rough Again The Breakfast Habit Eating and Roll- 
 ing A Mixed-up Breakfast Being Rammed and Trod 
 upon Too much Hughes Pope and Jordan The 
 Apotheosis of Calmness Philosophy out of Place Struck 
 by a Norther A Night of Pandemonium Distressed 
 Doctors A Doctor's Appetite A Doctor in Distress 
 Getting Dressed Successfully Losing Time to Avoid 
 Being Wrecked. 
 
 Upon our return to Bocas del Toro we discovered 
 that we were in need of a new supply of provisions. 
 We had smoked the cigars, the ladies had consumed 
 the sherry, Doctor Brower had drunk the water and 
 the liquor had evaporated. Hence we resolved to 
 make a night raid upon the company's warehouse. 
 
 309 
 
BACK 
 
 The darkness was intense and it began to rain again, 
 and as there were no street lamps, we had to find our 
 way by the light of memory. This guided us success- 
 fully both to the warehouse and to the mud puddles, 
 the first of which was unfortunately closed and the 
 latter open. However, the local doctors, our good 
 genii, who always appeared whenever we "rubbed" up 
 against difficulty and wished for anything, went off 
 into the dark and hunted up the agent and found him 
 eating. After he had finished what must have been 
 a many-course dinner he finally appeared; but as he 
 was not the custodian of the keys he started out to 
 locate the negro who was, leaving us standing at the 
 warehouse door in darkness and drizzle, and in hopes 
 that negroes dined earlier and less protractedly than 
 managers. When the negro at last arrived he also 
 went away in search of a candle, for there was no 
 provision for lighting the warehouses. The absence 
 of lighting apparatus and the prohibition of smoking 
 in the building served as a substitute for an insur- 
 ance company and a fire department. When the can- 
 dle finally came, its light was practically lost in the 
 large salesroom, and the salesmen, who were the only 
 beings that knew where the goods were kept, were 
 not there. But we did not care to wait for the sales- 
 man to eat and be sent for ; waiting and eating didn't 
 seem to expedite matters. So we proceeded to hunt 
 in the dark for the needles in the haystack, for the can- 
 dle showed but one thing at a time, and that was after 
 it had been brpught about near enough to set it on 
 fire. However, Doctor Brower found and purchased 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 311 
 
 a box of one hundred bottles of White Rock, and 
 Doctor Senn found plenty of Pommard, although 
 Pommard was not what was wanted. 
 
 By this time we young men were tired of waiting 
 for what could not be found and, leaving the older 
 ones marching single file around and about between 
 the counters and shelves by the light of a candle, like 
 a catacomb party without a guide, we waded across 
 the muddy street toward a light that proved to be in 
 the window of a Chinese provision store, and obtained 
 what we wanted in a minute. We called for some 
 Jamaica Tropicales, which were the only good cigars 
 retailed over the counter in the Panama Republic. 
 They were always uniform in quality as far as our 
 experience went, and when the Chinaman put a half 
 box of them on the counter we quickly transferred 
 them to our pockets and called for more. But instead 
 of opening a new box, he reached under the counter, 
 gathered a couple of handfuls of cigars and placed 
 them in the box out of which we had bought the oth- 
 ers. This, of course, made us suspicious, since Ja- 
 maica cigars must have been imported in boxes. Nev- 
 ertheless, when compared with one I had left from 
 a fine lot I had bought at Washington Hotel, I could 
 not detect any difference. If the cigars were imita- 
 tions they were works of imitative art that did credit 
 even to a Chinaman, and were valuable as such. So 
 we bought freely of them and felt still more certain 
 of their genuineness because he charged us twenty- 
 five cents in Panama silver instead of twenty cents, 
 and would not listen to our offers to buy much more 
 
3 i2 BACK 
 
 freely for twenty cents. We were, however, glad to 
 pay the extra five cents as it was a sort of guarantee 
 that they were genuine. We knew that an imitation 
 never costs more than the original. Finding the cigars 
 so orthodox, we called for sherry, and as it was la- 
 beled exactly like that we had bought before, we pur- 
 chased some and went out in the rain and mud re- 
 joicing. 
 
 We were soon back on shipboard, and when we had 
 finished our dinner I sat down to enjoy one of my fresh 
 Tropicales. To my surprise, it did not have the flavor 
 it should have had, and became worse with each puff. 
 I threw it away half smoked, for what I smoke on 
 shipboard must be all right, or it is all wrong. I 
 again compared those I had bought with the good one 
 I had brought, and there still seemed to be no differ- 
 ence. They looked so good that I felt like keeping them 
 to look at whenever I was tempted to smoke. 
 But that would have been selfish, for I had 
 learned that Doctor Senn had not been able to 
 find any cigars in the dark warehouse, and was 
 longing for a good smoke. I also knew that anything 
 that looked like tobacco would be acceptable to him, 
 just as boiled leather made grateful soup for Mor- 
 gan's buccaneers when they were starving on their 
 way across the isthmus. So I presented my Chinese 
 works of art to him. He accepted them gratefully 
 without dreaming of questioning their quality, and 
 smoked them on faith during the rest of the stormy 
 voyage, a remarkable tour de force at such a time. He 
 had the faith that performs miracles and perfumes 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 313 
 
 tobacco. During a storm a cigar seemed to steady 
 him as a pole steadies a tight-rope walker. While the 
 ladies were praying for fine weather, and the men 
 sighing and groaning for it, Doctor Senn smoked 
 for it, and got it. He made his own weather. To him 
 storms and showers became unsubstantial externals 
 and went up in smoke. Neither strong cigars nor 
 mountain waves affected him nor disturbed the even 
 tenor of his ways. He took them as they came and 
 called them good. Indeed but few men are gifted 
 with his powers of endurance nor his even temper in 
 times of storm and distress. I was his roommate and, 
 altogether, heard him sigh only twice while in the 
 stateroom, and these sighs were probably merely lit- 
 tle suppressed gusts of impatience at the choice of the 
 ship he had made, and the ingratitude of the com- 
 pany's officials in turning him out of his room after 
 he had filled the ship for them with first-class passen- 
 gers. 
 
 I have thought it worth the while to mention this 
 Chinese cheat for the benefit of those who remain at 
 home and can not get their experience at first hand. 
 It is necessary to be careful in buying wines and liq- 
 uors and other less popular goods of them, to see that 
 they are properly labeled and in unbroken packages. 
 However, there is even then an opportunity of being 
 cheated, for although the Chinese on the isthmus have 
 not the facilities for putting up goods in imitation of 
 those imported in packages, some of the white mer- 
 chants are reported to be carrying on a large busi- 
 ness in the substitution of goods. One firm in Colon 
 
314 EACK 
 
 is said to have paid a single bill of $1,200 for counter- 
 feit labels to be put upon goods of their own bottling. 
 This is shocking to us North Americans, who have 
 recently passed a law against false labeling. 
 
 Of course, the Chinese are apt to buy these falsely 
 labeled articles and sell them in good faith. Hence 
 it is also better to get everything one can not judge 
 of for himself from reputable business houses, al- 
 though one may have to pay more. I remember that 
 when Doctor Senn and I stopped at a Chinese store 
 in Colon and asked for the best sherry in the country 
 the Chinaman offered us a bottle for seventy cents in 
 gold. We were too aristocratic to buy such cheap 
 stuff, although the label looked genuine, and we re- 
 fused to take it. We hunted up a well-known whole- 
 sale and retail importing house and bought a bottle 
 for a dollar. I afterward examined the label and it 
 was exactly like the label on the Chinaman's seventy- 
 cent bottle, and like the one on the bottle I bought 
 of the Chinaman at Bocas del Toro for seventy cents. 
 The wine tasted the same and was the same in every 
 respect but one, viz., the price. We knew also that it 
 was imported wine for we were not buying it in the 
 United States. 
 
 At last we were all aboard the Brighton: bananas, 
 plantains, pineapples, oranges, wines, cigars, land- 
 lubbers, land ladies and all, and started merrily for 
 home. We were glad to get out of the mud and rain, 
 and soon were off, and out in a rough sea. 
 
 The next morning we awoke to find the ship rock- 
 ing like a cradle. We had prepared ourselves to feast, 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 315 
 
 but found ourselves ready to fast. Feasting is often a 
 preparation for fasting. This fact is in keeping with 
 the advice of the greatest mathematician and gravest 
 philosopher in the business world, viz., the modern 
 insurance agent, who says that in health we should 
 be continually preparing for sickness and death. 
 Feasting does it. 
 
 All day long we had a succession of squalls and 
 tropical showers, drenching the canvas of our steamer 
 chairs and converting the upper deck into a rendez- 
 vous of cold shower baths. The ladies staid in bed 
 while the men wandered disconsolately along the wave- 
 swept deck from the stuffy staterooms to the dreary 
 dining-room. With the aid of appetizers some of the 
 more determined ones managed to go to meals, nibble 
 a little and hurry out on deck where the ever-waiting 
 wave seldom failed to give a douche and get a d n. 
 
 As Doctor Senn was not seasick, he was kept busy 
 waiting on the ladies. There was no stewardess on 
 board, but I am sure no stewardess could have been 
 more willing for pay to do what he did out of kind- 
 ness of heart. The ladies suffered not for iced sherry 
 nor for egg-nogs and, under his care, got better when- 
 ever the weather moderated. He proved to be a 
 ladies' man in the best sense of the word. The steward, 
 who was not a ladies' man, was kept busy in the din- 
 mg-room and pantry most of the time but, acting as 
 the doctor's assistant in preparing things, he man- 
 aged to be of some occasional use besides putting on 
 and taking off table food that was not tasted. Wheth- 
 er the doctor enjoyed the honor thrust upon him of 
 waiting upon the ladies, or whether he was clandes- 
 
3i6 BACK 
 
 tinely annoyed, no one could assert or deny, for he did 
 it with the same dutiful cheer that he ate, slept, 
 smoked and worked, one or more of which he was do- 
 ing all the time. 
 
 During the night we ran into protected waters near 
 the coast of Honduras and the doctor's patients all 
 felt better, and Friday morning were able, by lying 
 very still on their steamer chairs, to be on deck. He 
 asked them how they felt and they said they felt quite 
 well, and thanked him for it. The ship had stopped 
 its pitching and had taken a slow-rolling gait, a sort 
 of sea-canter, that was quite easy for those who liked 
 it. 
 
 The weather overhead was sunshiny and alluring, 
 and all of the men but Doctor Brower and Doctor 
 Frank were out. Suddenly, to our delight, Doctor 
 Brower appeared among us and was greeted with ap- 
 propriate applause. The doctor is a large man with 
 one of those cheery natures whose hearty laugh 
 spreads its contagion wherever it is heard. He is of 
 sober Dutch descent, but so many American grafts 
 have been incorporated into the original stock that the 
 only Dutch qualities left are a large waist, great in- 
 dustry, and an unusual capacity for work and words. 
 Physically considered he is the equivalent of a whole 
 roomful of Dutchmen, and has tenfold the vivacity of 
 the whole Netherlands on his tongue. He has that 
 easily aroused, nervous organism that belongs to our 
 own country, and which is undoubtedly accentuated 
 in him by having spent his whole adult life studying 
 and treating neurasthenics and lunatics. It is a well- 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 317 
 
 recognized fact that people who live with or associate 
 intimately with the insane have more or less mental 
 aberration induced in them by a sort of hypnotic sug- 
 gestion, an aberration which neurologists recognize 
 in others, but not in themselves. 
 
 He greeted us without the signs of joyful emotion 
 that characterized his usual manner, and hurried across 
 the deck to the pile of steamer chairs, jerked off the 
 topmost one, which was Doctor Frank's, and unfolded 
 it hurriedly. Just as he had it straightened out and 
 placed, the boat gave a lurch to one side and sent him 
 staggering across the deck. When he struck the life- 
 boat he clung to it, straightened up and stared at the 
 chair defiantly, as if to say, "Damn !" But he had the 
 gentlemanly instinct that did not allow him to forget 
 himself in the presence of ladies. He tried to assume 
 his usual cheerful but dignified expression, but his 
 feature only expressed pathos and pathology. A roll- 
 ing ship gathers no stoics, as the saying is. We would 
 have led him to the chair, but we knew that he had 
 the pride born of the habitual exercise of power and 
 authority, and would resent help as long as he was 
 able to be on his feet. Moreover, most of us felt 
 that we ourselves might suddenly lose our dignity, 
 etc., if we did not lie still. Finally the spirit of the 
 soldier gained the upper hand. He 1 made a success- 
 ful charge upon the chair and dropped on it with such 
 force that its rickety joints cracked and its slender 
 legs began to spread. While on his feet he had dis- 
 played some remnants of his great energy, but his 
 head was no sooner down than his energy centered 
 
3 i8 BACK 
 
 itself in the stomach. He jumped up into a sitting 
 posture as if started by an electric shock, and before 
 he could get on his feet the deck was flooded with 
 White Rock water. He then sank back in the steamer 
 chair, causing more spreading and creaking of its 
 frail legs and exclaimed, "I declare ! That White Rock 
 tastes better out of the bottle than out of the stomach/' 
 
 At this, the lady who sat next to him could not re- 
 sist an impulse to imitate him, although she had other- 
 wise good manners. But she had no reserve of White 
 Rock to call upon; she could produce nothing but a 
 set of teeth, which went overboard. Discouraged 
 with the result of so much conspicuous and exhaust- 
 ive effort, she allowed herself to be helped off the 
 scene by her gagging husband. Several of us sup- 
 pressed a few sympathetic flourishes and hid our eyes 
 like ostriches, and were safe. 
 
 Pretty soon Doctor Senn, who had experience in 
 about everything but in being seasick, began to think 
 that perhaps Doctor Brower needed some helpful 
 advice, and said in his kind, deliberate way: "Brower, 
 you have been drinking again. I have always told 
 you that so much water disagreed with you. The 
 deck was made to be kept clean, but not with White 
 Rock. If you would drink something stronger, it 
 would teach you to drink less in quantity, and thus 
 incline you toward moderation." 
 
 Doctor Brower raised himself to make a vigorous 
 response when the spreading legs of the rickety chair 
 gave way, and man and chair collapsed, the doctor 
 sick and the chair dead. 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 319 
 
 "Come, Brower, let me help you to your state- 
 room. Bed is the best place when you are sick." 
 
 While saying this Doctor Senn went to him to help 
 him, but he began to feel better and would not be 
 helped. 
 
 "No, thank you, Senn; I am all right now. I never 
 felt better. I'll try another chair." 
 
 "Ah, I thought that you were not really sick. It 
 was all a joke after all. As long as a man can con- 
 tinue producing more than he consumes he must be 
 all right. Have a cigar." 
 
 Doctor Brower looked at the cigar, turned suddenly 
 pale, said "Ugh," and started toward his stateroom. 
 
 "What a great thing a sea voyage is to bring out 
 all there is in a man," said Senn, as his friend disap- 
 peared. He then lighted a fresh cigar and sat down 
 to read French poetry. 
 
 But Doctor Brower's experience was only a sample 
 of what was in store for the rest of us. He merely 
 got ahead of the crowd, as usual. Eleven o'clock, 
 our breakfast hour, came an hour too late. By eleven 
 o'clock the wind blew, the waves grew, and the break- 
 fast flew. But the breakfast habit had become too 
 firmly fixed to be broken off voluntarily, and when the 
 hour came around, those of us who were able to be 
 about could not resist the impulse to try our luck. Two 
 ladies were counted among the brave when we solemn- 
 ly filed into the dining-room, viz., Doctor Waite and 
 Mrs. Brower. But they were out of place, for the oc- 
 casion called for gymnastics rather than gustatics, for 
 dexterity rather than daintiness. The table, which 
 
320 BACK 
 
 extended across the room from side to side, was set 
 with the frames on, for the rolling of the ship was 
 such that itself was about the only thing that did not 
 go over. Every few minutes a big lurch would send 
 dishes, frames, chairs and passengers sliding down to 
 the end of the table, changing food from one framed 
 space to another, and feet and elbows from one place 
 to another. 
 
 Doctor Hughes, who sat next to me, had an old 
 head and a young face, and was of that indefinite age 
 at which the hair turns prematurely white and men 
 grow considerate and gentle in their ways and feel- 
 ings. He was greatly distressed whenever his chair 
 struck mine, when his feet came down upon my feet, 
 when his elbow rammed my ribs, and his bottles and 
 plates with their spilling contents mixed freely with 
 mine. His elbows hurt me and he knew it; but he 
 was helpless to avoid it, for I sat in the corner of an 
 ell at the end of the table and served as a buffer 
 to stop the advance of the whole line. He had the 
 accumulated momentum of the others, besides the 
 motion of the ship, to resist, but he had me for a cush- 
 ion. His distress was mental; mine was physical. 
 
 In order to conceal my suffering I called in as gay a 
 voice as I could command to Doctor Newman, who sat 
 opposite on the solid seat that ran along the wall of the 
 room, and was able to cling to his place and to his food. 
 "What do you think of this jam, Doctor Newman?" 
 "I'm fond of jam ; pass it over, please." 
 "Ask Doctor Hughes. I got mine from him." 
 "Oh! Ah! I see! You've got too much Hughes. 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 
 
 321 
 
 Everything is going your way. But this passive 
 exercise is just what we all need. The boat is doing 
 the moving ; all we have to do is to resist, and to eat." 
 
 Doctor Frank had brought Jordan's "Majesty of 
 Calmness" to read en voyage, but had not yet come 
 out of his five-days' doze. So Doctor Hughes bor- 
 rowed it (not the doze), and spent the afternoon read- 
 ing extracts to us from it, and in quoting Pope's 
 "Essay on Man." At any other time and place I prob- 
 ably could have appreciated these books, although I 
 would not have taken time to read them, but it seemed 
 to me that Jordan was more or less possessed about the 
 word calmness. It is easy to say to yourself or to 
 the sea, "Be calm," but there are things beyond Jor- 
 dan both in the mind and in the sea. Pope's polished 
 verse and filigreed philosophy are out of place in the 
 trade-winds. Even the meaning of words and the 
 truth of philosophy depend upon the way the wind 
 blows. It is not what the author writes, but what the 
 reader reads that makes the book. 
 
 We were heartily weary of trade-winds which came 
 from the east and kept steadily in our quarter, and 
 we clamored for a change, knowing that all things 
 come to those that wait. And the change did come. 
 At about 9 P. M. the wind changed and a "norther" 
 struck us. And we quickly realized that it was a 
 change, all except Doctor Senn. He may have no- 
 ticed a difference. It was one of those things nobody 
 could divine. 
 
 Discretion was the only part of valor for us and we 
 arrayed ourselves on the side of Doctor Brower, who 
 
 21 
 
322 BACK 
 
 was a born leader. We got to bed as quickly as pos- 
 sible without thinking of consequences, or of prepar- 
 ing either our souls or our staterooms. The ship be- 
 gan to pitch as well as roll, and a sort of "still life" 
 pandemonium kept us awake all night. The steamer 
 screw was out of water half of the time and shook 
 us, and the motion of the boat knocked us about in 
 our bunks until we felt beaten up like raw eggs. The 
 electric light was put out as usual at midnight and 
 we were left to our imaginations. Doors and port- 
 hole windows began to slam with startling thuds, 
 chairs tumbled over and bumped back and forth, bot- 
 tles rolled and clinked around the stateroom floors, 
 while heavy things all over the ship fell and crashed. 
 The sailors did such noisy work that we could not lis- 
 ten to it and sleep. The night was long and dreary. 
 Finally at daybreak the machinery suddenly stopped 
 working, allowing the ship to drift before the wind, 
 but the sailors made more noise than ever, replacing 
 broken bolts and tying the shaky rudder on with ropes. 
 I knew that the boat was drifting and said, "Let her 
 drift. Let her go down. Let us have peace/' I 
 thought that I might as well die in bed as to get up 
 and die with my boots on. I might as well lie there 
 comfortably and die from taking too much water as to 
 get up and drink California sherry, and have my head 
 cracked against the bunks and washstand beforehand, 
 or against the walls of the narrow passageways. I 
 might as well be a good-looking corpse as a mutilated 
 one. I was less helpless in bed than out of it. In bed 
 I could die with majesty, the majesty of calmness. 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 323 
 
 Besides, it was rainy and cold outside, and although 
 my bed was a hard rolling-place, I dreaded the diffi- 
 cult dressing, the dreary standing about all day in the 
 cold, the holding on, and, above all, the dizziness and 
 distress that belonged to keeping the head up. So I 
 remained in bed and took my chances. 
 
 The slamming, hammering, clinking and shaking 
 of the screw all stopped at last, which gave a certain 
 kind of relief and enabled me to hear what was going 
 on in the corridors and adjoining staterooms. Ap- 
 parently some of the others were trying to get up and 
 out into the rain and cold. I suppose that, like eating, 
 the habit of getting up in the morning had grown on 
 them and that they could not rest until they had done 
 it. The first thing I heard was a feminine voice say- 
 ing: 
 
 "How bad the air is in here ! If I could only get up 
 on deck! Doctor Senn, are you anywhere? If you 
 are, will you please bring me some iced sherry? If 
 I only had something on my stomach it wouldn't make 
 me feel so sick. I'm so faint. I wish I had an egg- 
 nog." 
 
 Soon afterward I heard Doctor Newman call out in 
 a sonorous, unnecessarily cheerful voice at the other 
 end of the hallway. 
 
 "Why, good morning, Doctor! How do you feel 
 this morning?" 
 
 A man's voice answered: 
 
 "First rate, thank you. Did you rest well?" 
 
 "Slept like a top. Only woke up once when I 
 rolled out of bed upon an overturned stool and struck 
 my head. Let's go and have our coffee." 
 
324 
 
 BACK 
 
 "No, thank you; I'm not going to take anything 
 this morning." 
 
 "Why not?" said Newman. "Why, I wouldn't miss 
 my coffee and strawberry jam for the world. Come 
 along; it will ballast you and keep you from being 
 light-headed." 
 
 "No; I'm not hungry. You can have my share of 
 rattan coffee and strawjuice jam this morning. I 
 never eat without an appetite." 
 
 "Nor I," answered Newman, "but I always eat. It 
 doesn't matter what you eat; it's how it tastes. I 
 have an empty place inside of me the size of the Unit- 
 ed States. This constant motion of the ship doesn't 
 give your appetite any rest. See you later. Wish you'd 
 come." 
 
 Pretty soon some one came stumbling along the 
 narrow passageway and exclaimed as he struck his 
 head or something against a partition: 
 
 "Ouch ! What to 11 did I get out of that infernal 
 bed for? I wish the Lord had made the waves some 
 other shape. I'd rather get out and walk home than 
 ride up every denied single wave in the ocean and 
 then slide back again. I always supposed that a boat 
 went forward instead of upward and downward and 
 sideways. Confound the boat! I wish 'twould go 
 to the bottom. Twould serve the miserly Fruit Com- 
 pany right for putting people in such a drifting rat- 
 trap. I wish I were home. Home is good enough 
 for me. Whoo-oop!" 
 
 This periodic whooping reminded me how undigni- 
 fied people will act in the most conspicuous places and 
 
FROM BAD TO WORSE 325 
 
 inopportune moments, and how often such unseemly 
 actions become contagious and spread like laughter. 
 
 The man had evidently rushed or staggered out to the 
 outer door as he uttered the last whoop. After 
 a short session of silent thought, I heard him walk 
 back to his stateroom mumbling between his teeth : 
 
 "The yellow fever is bad enough, but seasickness 
 is a deuced sight worse. The next time I want to see 
 a canal I'll look at the Chicago Drainage Canal. When 
 I want a change of climate I'll stay in Chicago where 
 it's always changing, and where it sometimes changes 
 for the better." 
 
 I took an ounce of dry sherry at nine-thirty and 
 again at ten, and soon after arose to give my bones 
 a needed rest. After some shivering from the unac- 
 customed cold, some unintentional collisions and gy- 
 rations about the room, and some expressions of opin- 
 ion about the luxury and healthfulness of sea voyages, 
 followed now and then by a short recess in my bunk 
 in order to press my bruised scalp into shape and allow 
 the whirl in my head to subside, I succeeded at last 
 in getting my winter flannels and heavy suit out of 
 my trunk and on me. As the result of the night's 
 wakefulness and the morning's exercise of bracing 
 and holding on while dressing, I actually felt a desire 
 to eat, and resolved to do it before I changed my 
 mind. 
 
 There were not many at table, for most of those who 
 had arisen early had already changed their mind. As 
 I couldn't conceive of anything worse than going back 
 to my cabin, I lay down on the cushioned benches 
 
326 BACK. 
 
 along the wall of the dining-room and gained some 
 of the rest I had lost during the noisy night. We were 
 going ahead again but only at the rate of seven knots 
 an hour, were already nearly twenty-four hours be- 
 hind our schedule time, and were likely to lose an- 
 other twenty-four before reaching New Orleans. To 
 try to go faster would have put us in danger of break- 
 ing the screw propeller, of losing our loose rudder 
 and of cracking open at the part of our shell that had 
 struck on the reef. In fact, we had been voyaging 
 under conditions that according to natural laws and 
 insurance statistics should have resulted in a wreck, 
 and were content to be careful. Better two more days 
 of comparative purgatory than to take up hastily and 
 without preparation a longer residence in some more 
 uncertain place. 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 The Didactics of Seasickness 
 
 Breaking the Sabbath Giving up Humiliation Beef Tea 
 Versus Coffee A Disappointed Engineer English with- 
 out Grammar The Lecture Pathology She-sickness 
 A Rebuke Symptoms A Homoeopathic Cure The 
 Passive Treatment A Reproach Conclusions A Sug- 
 gestion and a Vote of Thanks. 
 
 During the first day of the "norther" both the ship 
 and myself came through without any but threatened 
 accidents, although neither of us was seaworthy. The 
 next morning, however, my stomach broke the Sab- 
 bath and my pride had a fall. To arise early on Sun- 
 day is a bad habit ; we are commanded to make Sunday 
 a day of rest, I ought to have known better. 
 
 I arose in time for "coffee" and found the "norther" 
 breaking the Sabbath, but did not take the hint. I 
 stumbled out of bed and was precipitated across the 
 stateroom, balancing and plunging from door to wash- 
 stand and from bunk to trunk. I got one foot in my 
 trousers and fell over, tried it again and sat down 
 on the floor, holding on with my right hand while 
 I pulled up my left suspender, and vice versa. Sud- 
 denly my stomach felt as if it were going to break, 
 as the Germans say. I quickly ducked my head and 
 allowed myself to be thrown into my bunk, and called 
 
 327 
 
328 BACK 
 
 up Christian Science, as I had successfully done the 
 day before. But it was Sunday and she wouldn't 
 work. It would have been a feather in Doctor Brow- 
 er's hat to have caught me. But he probably was too 
 busy himself to be out hunting for feathers. After 
 a short rest I took some sherry, which is not a calen- 
 dar saint, and it worked, for in half an hour I was 
 able to finish my toilet and go to the dining-room and 
 publicly drink a cupful of beef tea. The ship coffee 
 did not tempt me, which was a point in its favor. In- 
 deed, if all coffee were poor it would be better it 
 would have less opportunity to do harm in the world. 
 
 I lay around in the dining-room after a light break- 
 fast and listened to instructive talks about yellow 
 fever, leprosy, etc., but was particularly interested 
 and enlightened by a non-professional Western gen- 
 tleman who had gone to Panama in search of a job; 
 one of those travelers who, like Walter Raleigh, had 
 never eaten with a fork. He claimed to be an ex- 
 perienced engineer (whether civil or locomotive, he 
 did not say) who had not been able to procure any 
 kind of work there with a larger salary than thirty 
 dollars a month, although Wallace was drawing much 
 more than that. Hence he had kicked some of the 
 mud off his feet and was on his way back to "God's 
 earth." He could not praise De Lesseps and the 
 French enough. The French employed white men 
 and paid them like gentlemen. 
 
 But the most interesting part of his long and loud 
 conversation was the illustration it afforded of how 
 the English language can be used to express vividly 
 
THE DIDACTICS OF SEASICKNESS 329 
 
 and intelligibly all sorts of sentiments for hours at a 
 stretch without conforming to a single rule of gram- 
 mar. It was a most complete triumph of synesis over 
 syntax, of eloquence over elegance. How he had 
 learned to disregard the rules of grammar so uner- 
 ringly was marvelous. The unequivocal force and 
 fluent ferocity of his expressions afforded a striking 
 compliment to our self-made language. Foreigners 
 think that the English language has no grammar, and 
 it was the mission of the engineer to prove that it 
 could do without it. He expressed himself much more 
 clearly and impressively than a large proportion of 
 men do whose speech is all grammar. He said: 
 
 "Them French was cracker- jacks, and no joke. 
 They wasn't afeared to employ white men, nohow; 
 and they knowed how to treat 'em. The Amerikins 
 won't employ nobody but niggers or such as works for 
 niggers' wages. They'll never get the blamed banana 
 canal digged no way. They ain't nothin' doin', nor 
 won't be while them fellers is bossin' the job, and it's 
 up to you and I to show 'em up. A man kin go down 
 there and work until he pegs out, but he can't get no 
 pay fur it only hell. The hull business ain't got 
 nuther head nor tail, it needs preorganization, and 
 that's what it ain't got. As to Wallace, him and me 
 ain't old cronies, but we know each other, and that's 
 enough." I concluded that he was a locomotive engi- 
 neer, a loco as the Spanish would call him. 
 
 As it was Sunday and there was no ordained 
 preacher aboard, and Doctor Senn wouldn't preach, 
 and Doctor Brower couldn't preach while the wind 
 
330 BACK 
 
 blew, I delivered a medical lecture on seasickness, be- 
 lieving that the best way of benefiting them morally 
 was by material instruction. I felt that I could speak 
 from experience, and that there were those about me 
 who could appreciate from experience. We could at 
 least hold an experience meeting. I began: 
 
 "Seasickness may be defined as an uncertain attitude 
 followed by a certain act. It is one of the most ancient 
 and orthodox of known ailments. The Greeks called 
 it nausea or boatsickness, and it has changed neither 
 in name, in nature nor in the manner of manifesting 
 itself. It is thus as immutable as the Catholic religion, 
 although it depends upon the weather, which, during 
 the past few centuries, has undergone many changes, 
 like the Protestant. It resembles religion in that it 
 has no pathology ; it resembles disease in that it makes 
 people sick. It depends neither upon germs nor upon 
 imagination as do the modern orthodox ailments." 
 
 At this there was a murmur of dissent and slight 
 temporary inattention. Raising my voice, therefore, 
 like a lawyer, I proceeded: 
 
 "To illustrate: When a woman has hysteria she 
 wishes you to treat her, and not the disease; but when 
 she is seasick, she wishes you to treat the disease, and 
 let her alone." 
 
 Doctor Morrow, the tall, lardaceous, disgustingly 
 healthy and handsome-looking young doctor from 
 California, who could laugh more eloquently than he 
 could talk, interrupted me and wanted to know if it 
 wasn't ,y/i-sickness that I referred to. 
 
 "No, sir," I said, "I refer to seasickness. Seasick- 
 
THE DIDACTICS OF SEASICKNESS 331. 
 
 ness does not wear off during the daytime and does 
 not depend upon conditions within, but on conditions 
 without the body. In order that seasickness or Greek 
 nausea may exist there must be a boat and a breeze 
 a zephyr, as the Greeks called it. Tis interesting to 
 note that the discovery by the Greeks that the disease 
 was a boat-sickness, or disease of the boat, led them 
 to personify the boat. And this is why a boat is called 
 she instead of it. The word nausea originally had an 
 h in it, and was spelled nau-she-a." 
 
 "Then the Greeks did consider it a she-sickness," 
 butted in Doctor Morrow, who was still harping on 
 women a man of one idea. 
 
 "Doctor Morrow, you have yet to learn the silence 
 of medicine, which, in practice, is as important as the 
 science. And as for the art, the Greeks would have 
 made a statue of Hercules out of you, and would have 
 given you muscle in place of fat, form in place of 
 speech, poise instead of avoirdupois. A want of si- 
 lence is often more meaningless than a want of speech. 
 The disease could not have been j/&-sickness, although 
 if you insist on gender, you might call it her-sickness 
 since the disease can be said to affect her, but can not 
 be said to affect she. Both Greek and grammar are 
 against it." 
 
 He was silenced, even to his laugh. 
 
 "The symptoms are exaggerated but honorable 
 hiccups, a persistent but harmless disinclination to re- 
 tain food, and an indifference to danger that makes 
 one willing to be thrown overboard without having 
 the courage or energy to insist upon being thrown. 
 
332 BACK 
 
 "The treatment is always successful, for the pa- 
 tients all get well. As an illustration of how a com- 
 plete cure may thus be effected I will relate the case of 
 a confessed homoeopath who, I am ashamed to say, 
 crossed the Atlantic in the same boat in which I did. 
 He prescribed for himself pure water taken accord- 
 ing to homoeopathic 'dilution/ viz., ten drops of water 
 in a tumblerful of whiskey, two tablespoonfuls to be 
 taken every half hour or two while awake. And he 
 continued thus taking water until we arrived at our 
 destination. I met him three days after, and asked him 
 if he had been seasick. He said that he had felt bad 
 since leaving the boat, but couldn't remember having 
 felt sickness of any kind on the boat. This was a 
 perfect remedy in his case, and the proper one for 
 those who believe in homoeopathy." 
 
 "Hear, hear!" "Y-o-u-reka !" "Down with homoeop- 
 athy," and other spontaneous applause greeted me 
 from all sides, and encouraged me to continue talking. 
 
 "But there is another class of cases and another kind 
 of treatment, viz., the passive or starvation treatment, 
 which is homoeopathy carried to its true and logical 
 end and aim. 
 
 "It consists in going to bed and eating nothing and 
 drinking water from a teaspoon until the boat has 
 given up plunging, or arrives at its destination. If 
 the patient is still able to do so he then arises and as- 
 sumes the activities and indulgences of life, and tem- 
 porarily recovers. This is the fat man's remedy. His 
 stomach is relieved of its fat and of its fullness. It 
 gives him the prolonged fast that his burdened sys- 
 
THE DIDACTICS OF SEASICKNESS 333 
 
 tern needs and which he has not the self-denial and 
 fortitude to take on shore. It constitutes the benefit 
 of a sea voyage upon his health, and is the only obe- 
 sity cure worthy of trial, except the one employed by 
 Panama cabdrivers upon their horses. 
 
 "We have an illustration of the efficacy of the passive 
 treatment in Doctor Frank. He stays in bed and rests 
 his stomach. He neither eats nor drinks, yet not one 
 of you is improving in health as he is. It is the repu- 
 diation of our food and the ridicule of our remedies, 
 since the patient has nothing to do but not to eat and 
 drink. If his patients knew of this and had common 
 sense instead of blind faith, Doctor Frank would not 
 have to go to sea to starve. Our patients should 
 therefore know what we do, but not what we do not do. 
 For a lot of doctors to embark in a boat and have 
 everything their own way, and learn nothing and do 
 nothing about boat-sickness, except to get it, is a 
 reproach to our profession. You talk knowingly, but 
 you must remember that boat-sickness is not a mere 
 postprandial-ephemera. You ought to know that one 
 should not only fast on board but also on land before 
 boarding. How not to eat is an oriental delicacy " 
 
 Here I was interrupted with such long-continued 
 applause and discussion and such frivolous interroga- 
 tions that I concluded that they were unfit to be re- 
 formed, and did not wish to learn how not to eat. How 
 not to eat is one of the lost arts. In keeping with the 
 development of the culinary art, man's longevity has 
 diminished in 6,000 years from 969 down to 70 years, 
 and his teeth and appendix have been steadily dwin- 
 
334 BACK 
 
 dling and will soon fall out. In a few thousand more 
 years another zero will be dropped from his age and 
 the world will contain babes only. But as my audi- 
 ence was unprepared for such a revelation, I closed 
 with the following short summary of my views : 
 
 "Therefore, seasickness is not a disease to be avoid- 
 ed, but a remedy to be taken. You have much to learn, 
 but much more to unlearn before you can tell the 
 world anything about it. You must become as babes, 
 and be unborn and born again before you can unlearn 
 and learn again." 
 
 "Every man to his berth/' shouted Morrow, who 
 was entirely devoid of a sense of humor. He regard- 
 ed my lecture as a joke. 
 
 A vote of thanks was passed with the request that, 
 if I should talk again, I take up the subject she-sick- 
 ness, which they considered more interesting and more 
 in my line. They were still harping on women, and I 
 resolved to cast no more pearls, remembering that all 
 big D's do not stand for doctor. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 The Last Day at Sea and the First on Land 
 
 A Bad Headache and a Bitter Dose A Poem The Singing 
 Cherubs A Sign of Fair Weather Promised Feasting 
 Eating Oneself into Premature Old Age, and Starving 
 into a Ripe Old Age A Delicate Question A Business 
 Meeting Drawing up Resolutions to Exonerate the 
 Captain The Eads and Jetties An Enjoyable Toilet 
 A Hook Apiece The Penalty of Early Rising A Cold 
 Day Discovery of the Preston Unfavorable Compari- 
 son New Orleans and Oysters Absinthe A Fraudu- 
 lent Automobile Ride Advice to Young Men A Cor- 
 rected Advertisement The French Quarter and Legend- 
 ary New Orleans 
 
 The next morning was Monday, our last day on the 
 "ocean wave" and "rolling deep," with all its poetry 
 and pantomime. We were due at New Orleans Tues- 
 day forenoon and were happy in anticipation of soon 
 being back on prosaic land again. 
 
 When I awoke I knew that the "norther" was weak- 
 ening, for the motion of the boat was quite consistent 
 with an elaborate toilet, and produced no uncomforta- 
 ble sensations. In fact, the cool, invigorating United 
 States air made all of us feel lively and disposed us 
 to object to coffee and jam sandwiches as a substi- 
 tute for something to eat. 
 
 Everybody was well and on deck except Doctor 
 335 
 
336 BACK 
 
 Waite, who had a headache. When I had about com- 
 pleted my elaborate toilet (which consisted not of any 
 extra finery, but rather of an elaboration and delib- 
 eration in the adjustment of the same old weather- 
 worn and salted-down garments), I opened my state- 
 room door just in time to be in at the finish of an in- 
 teresting sick headache. Doctor Waite had sent for 
 Doctor Hughes, one of those prescribing neurologists 
 who place their confidence in medicine rather than in 
 their Maker, who pursue their cases to death, and 
 dose them until they die. He wore a gentle, white- 
 haired, sugar-cure expression on his face, and suggest- 
 ed an overflowing fountain of professional kindness in 
 the tones of his voice. But he was giving her one of 
 those old-fashioned bitter draughts such as only neurol- 
 ogists know how to compound not harmful but worse, 
 and which depend largely upon their taste to cure 
 the patient of all further desire for diseases or drugs. 
 She, womanlike, swallowed the dose as if it had been 
 the gospel. It was hardly down, however, before it 
 returned as if from a volcano, and threatening to 
 carry away the crown of her head. She was frightened 
 at the suddenness and intensity of the paroxysm and 
 disgusted by the terrible taste, or she would have no- 
 ticed the immediate relief that followed. In' her sud- 
 den fright she exclaimed: 
 
 "Oh, Doctor, you've killed me; you've killed me. 
 Ugh! This is terrible." 
 
 "Madam!" said Doctor Hughes in his soft and 
 gentle way, "you misjudge me. I may be a killing 
 man but I'm not a killing doctor. Ahem !" 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 337 
 
 Doctor Waite had to laugh at him; and her head- 
 ache passed off. She expressed a determination, 
 however, not to have another until she was safe at 
 home. 
 
 At the breakfast table one of the doctors, whose 
 identity I will not betray, read the following poem: 
 
 Low she lay with aching head, 
 
 Mingling moan with smothered sigh. 
 
 "Dose her," all the doctors said; 
 
 "Dose her, Hughes, or she will die." 
 
 Dosed her with his deadly stuff 
 Till she groaned, "My end is nigh." 
 
 Then the doctors said, "Enough! 
 
 Make her laugh, Hughes, or she'll cry." 
 
 "I'm a killing man," he coughed, 
 
 "But no killing doctor see?" 
 She forgot the dose, and laughed. 
 
 She was cured, and */ was he. 
 
 Hughes-dee-dum and Hughes-dee-dee. 
 
 We had hardly finished criticising the impropriety 
 of thus making public the privacy of the sick-chamber 
 when we were startled by a hilarious hullabaloo out- 
 side, a strident inharmony of jubilant vocal sounds 
 emulating and imitating the cadence of song. We 
 looked toward the port-hole windows, and there stood 
 Fasting Frank and Heavenly Hughes leaning on their 
 elbows and smiling like cherubs, and singing popular 
 songs at. the top of their voices. I blushed at the un- 
 dignity of it. Doctors! Professors! Fathers! I felt 
 embarrassed. They would not have done it before their 
 22 
 
33 8 BACK 
 
 families and patients. But I was glad to see them, 
 for I knew that if Doctor Frank had come out of his 
 hole in the wall fair weather and a calm sea had come 
 in earnest. The greeting we gave him was vocifer- 
 ous and as undignified as his behavior. His seasick- 
 ness had been a premeditated means of increasing 
 his popularity without exerting himself. He had fast- 
 ed himself into favor. To see him smile like a child, 
 and then howl like a Dervish after a five-days' fast 
 and close confinement, made us regard him as a suf- 
 fering hero who no longer suffered, although anyone 
 who couldn't eat could do the same. 
 
 We persuaded him to come in to "coffee," although 
 he declared that it was against his principles to eat or 
 drink at sea. He wasn't ready to be tempted yet. 
 
 "Tut, tut!" I said, "A cup of coffee and half a roll 
 can not upset you, now that the storm is over." 
 
 "Half a roll, man !" he cried. "Do you know what 
 it is to eat half a roll after a five-days' fast? Half a 
 roll! Do you know how good it feels to fill up a 
 complete and perfect vacuum in you when you get 
 started ? Do you know how good it feels to have your 
 stomach full of solid greasy food after it has been 
 digesting itself for a week?" 
 
 "Do I know?" said I. "It is the man who denies 
 himself that knows the joys of indulgence. To habit- 
 ually suffer from prolonged and painful hunger before 
 each meal, and always stop when you have taken a 
 few mouthfuls and your appetite is at its fiery zenith, 
 is the best training for the mad enjoyment of a full 
 and filling meal that I know of; and I know of it. 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 339 
 
 You are young yet. Wait until you get the gout and 
 you'll be thankful for half a roll. You're not rich 
 enough to appreciate half of a dry roll. Your time is 
 coming." 
 
 "Why, you're just the man I am seeking," he ex- 
 claimed. "I am hunting for a fellow who is as starved 
 as I am and as you look. When we get to New Or- 
 leans to-morrow morning, we will have an oyster 
 supper, postponed from to-night; at noon we'll have 
 an oyster supper for lunch, and before we take the 
 night train to Chicago we will have another oyster 
 supper. Just think of it, if we were not thirty-six 
 hours late we would have the three suppers in us 
 now." 
 
 "Doctor Frank," I said, "you are going to make 
 yourself sick in earnest, for on land you will not have 
 seasickness to cure and curb you of your overeating. 
 I will eat these three suppers with you and get my 
 stomach full for once and then swear off forever." 
 
 Here Doctor Morrow interrupted me. "Full for 
 once? Full forever, you mean! You have only been 
 full once since we left Bocas you have kept at that 
 sherry between meals and claret at meals " 
 
 "Doctor Morrow, I refer to food food only. On 
 dry land I drink neither sherry nor claret, only water 
 at different temperatures and dilutions. I am glad 
 to say that I am not as you are. I do not intend to 
 harden my arteries and bring on premature arterio- 
 sclerosis by overeating. You eat twice as much as 
 you ought to eat every day of your life, except when 
 you are 'off your food/ as the result of it, and when 
 
340 BACK 
 
 nature evens up by forcing you to fast. I intend to 
 curb my appetite. To make use of a paradox, I might 
 say that I am going to starve myself to a good old 
 age." 
 
 "You've done it already." 
 
 "Look here, Morrow, you're a great man, thanks 
 to your appetite. But beware ! A man is also as old as 
 his appetite makes him. You'll die of old age by the 
 time you are forty. If I had your appetite I'd have 
 been dead ten years ago. You are the most unprom- 
 ising insurance risk here except Doctor Newman, who 
 was never made to be an old man and knows it, and 
 who can thus eat himself to death with impunity. 
 There is hope for the others. Doctor Frank fasts 
 occasionally, and thus postpones the day of reckon- 
 ing. Doctor Senn is smoked through and through, 
 and smoked bodies undergo no farther change or de- 
 cay. Doctor Brower is water-soaked, and water- 
 soaked timber sometimes lasts a long time. Doctor 
 Hughes and I are drying up, and when we are thor- 
 oughly dried we will last longer than any of you." 
 
 "How about me ?" asked Doctor Waite. 
 
 "I cannot pass upon your case, for the nour- 
 ishing and keeping qualities of eggs are uncertain. 
 In a cold climate you might live quite a long time." 
 
 While I was talking, all had left the dining-room 
 except Doctor Waite, who arose to follow them. I 
 knew that she was exceedingly conscientious and 
 truthful, and I determined to ask her a question about 
 a matter which was troubling my conscience. 
 
 "Doctor Waite, you have asked me a question ; may 
 I ask you an equally important one in return ?" 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 341 
 
 "Why, certainly, Doctor, and I shall try and be as 
 frank as you were when I asked mine." 
 
 "I merely wish to ask you if you have noticed 
 anything wrong about me?" 
 
 She said she had noticed that I had been in a crit- 
 ical state of mind ever since we left Colon. 
 
 "In a critical state? Is that so? Am I as bad off 
 as that?" 
 
 "You have raked us over the coals pretty badly." 
 
 "Is that so ? I often do things badly. I'll try and do 
 it better hereafter. But have I been acting out of 
 the ordinary? Has my articulation been distinct? I 
 sometimes talk without listening to myself, and " 
 
 "And so do not always know what you are saying," 
 she said with a little laugh. "Well, if I must speak 
 out I should say that you are talking somewhat unin- 
 telligibly now. I hadn't paid enough attention before 
 to notice it." 
 
 "Well, I feel very much obliged to you for not 
 noticing it. There is no harm in talking unintelli- 
 gibly when you are not noticed. I wish I knew wheth- 
 er I have been enjoying myself or not. Having a good 
 time is much more unsatisfactory when you don't know 
 it. At home I have a good time working hard, but I 
 know it; on this voyage I have worked much harder 
 at having a good time, and didn't know I had it. At 
 home I shall work off this tired feeling. In fact, I 
 should have explained before " 
 
 "Never explain anything to a woman, Doctor. Ex- 
 planations and arguments never convince us. We are 
 apt to take them as jokes to be laughed at." 
 
342 BACK 
 
 "Well, women are right. They laugh much more 
 effectually than they reason. To laugh at us is one of 
 woman's rights. And we laugh with them to show 
 that we approve of woman's rights. But I merely 
 wanted to get an honest professional opinion, and 
 didn't know how. They are so hard to find. I have 
 been calculating how much alcoholic liquor I have 
 consumed since landing at Colon a little over two 
 weeks ago. I have drunk half a pint of whiskey, two 
 quart bottles of beer, three quart bottles of wine and 
 a quart of soft drinks. Think of the mixture ! I have 
 kept on drinking regularly and have not, to my knowl- 
 edge, been intoxicated. I have felt well during the 
 whole time until now, but now I'm beginning to feel 
 bad. What I want to know is whether I have been 
 irresponsible during the whole time and am just be- 
 ginning to clear up, or whether I have been sober the 
 whole of the time and am just beginning to feel the 
 effects of all I have taken." 
 
 She again laughed three or four notes as she an- 
 swered : 
 
 "Well, there has certainly been something unusual 
 about you, but whether it was due to the disturbance 
 of the liquid in the sea or in the bottles I will not at- 
 tempt to decide. In the first place, I never saw you 
 so critical in Chicago as you have been on board. In 
 the second place, you have been offering and recom- 
 mending wine to ladies, which you never do in Chi- 
 cago. In the third place, you have criticised my eat- 
 ing, which no other gentleman has done." 
 
 "Thank you," I said. "I'll do it as a doctor here- 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 343 
 
 after, not as a gentleman. As a return favor I will 
 ask of you not to speak of my condition to any one in 
 Chicago. I suppose the delegates all know of it. But 
 I'll shut their mouths; I'll treat them in New Or- 
 leans, etc." 
 
 "But, Doctor, they would refuse to take treatment. 
 They will not be sick on dry land. Sherry will be su- 
 perfluous there." 
 
 She finally got away from me and my questions, 
 and went to prepare egg-nogs for the convalescing 
 ladies. She beats the world making egg-nogs for 
 ladies. Men don't like them. 
 
 Later we held a business meeting of the passengers 
 in the dining-room in order to give substantial ex- 
 pression of our gratitude to the gentlemanly crew of 
 the S. S. Brighton for our rescue from the reefs in 
 the lagoon of Chiriqui on a dark and rainy night ; also 
 to the captain who had so successfully stood the trial 
 of his first trip as a commander and had consulted 
 the heavens so diligently for us, predicting stormy 
 weather with unerring accuracy. We feared that the 
 adventure of the reefs might be used by his enemies 
 and the United Fruit Company as an excuse for de- 
 priving him of his command of the smallest, most 
 rickety and most sure-to-go-down boat of the line. 
 
 We also took up a subscription which netted each 
 man of the crew a dollar for having risked his life 
 for us when the boat struck and stuck on the bottom 
 where it really belonged. 
 
 We then drew up the following resolutions in honor 
 of the captain, to be presented by him to the United 
 
344 BACK 
 
 Fruit Company. We made them strong and striking 
 in order that they might not be put aside unnoticed: 
 
 "WHEREAS, the S. S. Brighton did, between the night 
 of Jan. 10 and the morning of Jan. n, 1905, come to 
 rest on a reef in Chiriqui Lagoon, and thus imperil the 
 lives of her passengers and the reputation of her cap- 
 tain; 
 
 "WHEREAS, the S. S. Brighton was not made for 
 man but for bananas; 
 
 "WHEREAS, in a time of danger, when the moon and 
 stars failed and darkness prevailed, when the pas- 
 sengers were suffering from the fear of death and the 
 feeling of nausea, the captain was cool and collected 
 and waited in patience until the sun arose and the cock 
 crew and the ship forced its way backward into deep 
 water ; 
 
 "WHEREAS, we deliberately and of our own free 
 will, chose the said Brighton, and were thus respon- 
 sible for our mistake, and the company of its own 
 free will chose the captain and is thus responsible for 
 his mistakes; 
 
 "WHEREAS, we should not have been caught out at 
 night in the absence of the heavenly bodies, or of the 
 phosphorescence of the waves, or of the fireflies of 
 the beach to indicate to the negro pilot where we were 
 at; 
 
 "THEREFORE, be it resolved that we, the benighted 
 and bereeft passengers of the S. S. Brighton, do hereby 
 express and extend our thanks to the captain and the 
 ship for successfully getting us off the bottom and 
 out of danger; 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 345 
 
 "RESOLVED, that we assume the blame for the acci- 
 dent in that we added weight to the ship and worry to 
 the captain; 
 
 "RESOLVED, that we promise nevermore to put this 
 responsibility upon the ship, but will stay at home 
 and attend to our own affairs; 
 
 "RESOLVED, that we beg clemency and favor for the 
 gallant captain, and that he be given a pilot who can 
 see in the dark; 
 
 "FINALLY, we, the survivors of the last but not 
 least eventful voyage of the S. S. Brighton, do peti- 
 tion that the ship be enlarged as fast as possible, that 
 basins be attached to the pillow-ends of the bunks, 
 that the allowance of wash water be doubled, that the 
 electric lights be not put out at midnight, that evap- 
 orated cream be provided for coffee instead of con- 
 densed milk, and that bananas and bric-a-brac here- 
 after be carried to the exclusion of passengers. 
 
 "Signed." 
 
 There was a prolonged discussion as to whether we 
 should all sign these resolutions individually or wheth- 
 er merely the president, Doctor Brower, and the sec- 
 retary of the meeting, Doctor Morrow, should sign 
 officially. The secretary was finally forced to sign 
 them alone. 
 
 We were to arrive at the jetties at 10 P. M. accord- 
 ing to the captain's consultations with the heavenly 
 bodies. Now if the captain had any shortcomings it 
 was not a lack of devotion to the heavenly bodies, 
 which he consulted frequently and fervently. But he 
 never succeeded in fixing correctly the time of arrival 
 
346 BACK 
 
 anywhere. It was I who had faith in the heavenly 
 bodies, yet never consulted them, who could prophesy 
 unerringly. Whenever the captain announced the time 
 I added two hours. So when we were told that we 
 would arrive at the jetties at 10 P. M., I knew that we 
 would arrive at midnight. 
 
 About half of the passengers had never seen the jet- 
 ties, for on their trip to Panama they had passed out 
 of the river after bedtime. And now that they were 
 to enter the river after dark they were inconsolable. 
 Next to Panama they desired to see the jetties, about 
 which they had heard and read so much. They asked 
 all sorts of questions about them; what jetties meant, 
 what Eads meant, what jetties and Eads looked like. 
 
 The sun sank in Oriental splendor behind his green 
 and golden bedcurtains as we went to dinner, and the 
 unfortunates complained of the sun for setting before 
 we got to the Eads and jetties. They blamed the cap- 
 tain for not having sailed faster during the storm 
 in order to arrive before sundown. They were not 
 content with having escaped the dangers of the reef, 
 as well as having kept the rudder and saved the screw 
 and crew during the storm. With them the jetties 
 were the thing, the dangers passed were nothing. Who 
 cares for dangers that are passed? They wished that 
 they had waited for the Preston, or that the Brighton 
 would anchor outside all night. 
 
 We told them that they could sit. up and see the 
 lights, and so could tell everybody that they had seen 
 the Eads and jetties. 
 
 As they kept on asking what the Eads and jetties 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 347 
 
 looked like, they received various answers. Some said 
 they looked like lighthouses on piers ; others that they 
 were like Greek temples covered with electric lights; 
 others said that they were nude figures of lions bearing 
 immense candelabra on their heads and electric lights 
 on their tails; others said that they were a narrow 
 channel running out at sea mere longitudinal space. 
 When we got through answering them they were dis- 
 couraged, for they would not be able to describe the 
 Eads and jetties to their friends at home. 
 
 They, of course, took the captain's word that we 
 would pass the jetties at 10 P. M. and paid no atten- 
 tion to my assurance that we would pass them at mid- 
 night. At ten o'clock they were gaping and shivering 
 on deck like tired ghosts on a moonless night, and 
 wished they had gone to bed. By eleven it was 
 evident that I had told them the truth about the 
 time of passing the jetties, so they placed a sentinel 
 to watch the Eads and jetties and report what he saw, 
 that they might describe them to their friends. 
 
 I enjoyed making my toilet the following morning 
 as I had not for a long time. To be able to stand still 
 and stretch both arms above my head leisurely and 
 without danger of falling; to be able to gape without 
 having a tooth knocked loose by an approaching shelf 
 or edge of a bunk; to be able to get the right foot in 
 the right trouser leg at the first attempt; to be able, 
 while washing, to stoop down without a head-on dive ; 
 to find both shoes on the same side of the room, and 
 my clothes hanging on the nail just as I had hung them: 
 these were luxuries that made me forget my previous 
 
348 BACK 
 
 misery. Reaction from misery is, after all, the best 
 substitute for happiness. Real happiness is too rare 
 and impalpable, and is enjoyed in the past and future 
 only. 
 
 Doctor Senn and I each had one hook upon which 
 to hang our overcoats, heavy suits, belts, hats and 
 the garments we removed at night. And I was glad 
 that there had been no occupant of the sofa bunk to 
 share these two hooks with us, for there would then 
 have been no alternative but to throw our city clothes 
 overboard where they would have been better pre- 
 served. I never knew to how much use one hook could 
 be put until we tested the possibilities on the Brighton ; 
 nor did I realize the condition clothes could get into 
 from hanging in a bunch upon one nail for a week. 
 
 At "coffee" I found the whole company. Those who 
 had sat up and shivered while watching for the "Eads" 
 and jetties looked hollow-eyed. The vigilants had 
 retired at eleven o'clock, but had lain awake a long 
 time with disappointment and cold feet, and had arisen 
 early, famished and unrefreshed, and had shivered and 
 shifted about cold corners and corridors for a couple 
 of hours waiting for lukewarm coffee and jam to start 
 the depressed circulation through their congealed 
 capillaries. 
 
 Although it was a cold January day and ice had 
 formed during the night, the river looked beautiful in 
 the morning sunlight as we came nearer to New Or- 
 leans. Doctor Waite was even more enthusiastic in 
 her appreciation than were the ladies who were not 
 doctors, a thing which I could not understand. I 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 349 
 
 always had supposed that a busy surgical life would 
 take nearly all of the womanly out of a person. I 
 had often observed such an effect upon others as well 
 as upon myself. 
 
 When we arrived off the docks of the United Fruit 
 Company the first thing we noticed was the S. S. 
 Preston, the large boat that had not arrived at Colon 
 when we left, and for which we did not wait because 
 we wanted to save time and avoid the crowd. We 
 expected the delegates to return in it en masse and 
 crowd it until it would become more uncomfortable 
 than the smaller, unpopular boat, the Brighton, that 
 detestable little, breakdown little, slow poke of a rat- 
 trap which no one was supposed to take, but which 
 nearly every one did take. The Preston had sailed from 
 Colon two days later than the Brighton and had ar- 
 rived at New Orleans two days earlier. On a sched- 
 uled five-days' trip she had beaten us by four days. 
 She had provided a stateroom for each passenger or 
 married couple, had not struck a reef, and had only 
 broken one sailor's leg which didn't signify as Doc- 
 tor Palmer was there to set it immediately. She had 
 kept her screw in the water and her deck out of the 
 water, and thus had allowed passengers to eat, sleep 
 and wear dry clothes. Some of us felt like blowing 
 up the Brighton and the United Fruit Company, one 
 with dynamite and the other with damning it. 
 
 We arrived at the docks in time for me to take 
 the morning train for Chicago and thus escape Doctor 
 Frank and his three deadly oyster suppers. But the 
 suspicions of Uncle Sam had to be allayed, and before 
 
350 BACK 
 
 we had signed papers and suffered the -conventional 
 derangement of our baggage and bric-a-brac, the 
 train had gone and I was doomed to eat oysters and 
 drink gin fizz and absinthe with a starved man. It is 
 not pleasant, after you have eaten more than you want, 
 to sit half an hour or so and watch a starved man giv- 
 ing way to the eager ecstasy of slowly oncoming re- 
 pletion. It seems to be the uppermost desire of every 
 one upon arriving at New Orleans to eat a dish of 
 oysters. In fact, it is remarkable what an amount of 
 enjoyment the human being gets out of what it puts 
 into its stomach, forgetting that an organ which af- 
 fords such universal and almost continuous enjoy- 
 ment deserves, like Hamlet's "Players," to be well 
 used. 
 
 After satisfying our curiosity by taking a silver 
 fizz, a drink which had made a reputation for a cer- 
 tain saloon in New Orleans, Doctors Frank and New- 
 man and I had our eleven o'clock breakfast (the post- 
 poned oyster supper) at a French restaurant near the 
 St. Charles. I myself could only eat half a dozen of 
 those large and luscious oysters, but I will not de- 
 stroy the reader's good opinion, if he have one, of 
 my comrades by telling how many they ate. How- 
 ever, we finally stopped eating, promising ourselves 
 other oyster meals before the time for the evening 
 trains to depart, and went to a saloon in the French 
 quarter to increase our knowledge by taking a drink 
 of the absinthe that had made New Orleans and this 
 saloon famous for twenty years. I swallowed my 
 dose and pretended that it was good. Absinthe makes 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 351 
 
 people lie. It is the essence of seasickness and men- 
 dacity, and good only for those who, like horses, can't 
 get sick at the stomach and can't tell the truth. When 
 I have an enemy I will treat him to absinthe, but I 
 will not drink it with him. Doctor Frank liked it 
 on account of its reputation, just as his patients like 
 him. Doctor Newman looked at his emptied glass 
 and grunted, then rolled his head solemnly from side 
 to side and opened his mouth as if he were going to 
 say something important; but nothing came out. 
 
 In the afternoon after all hands had had their oys- 
 ter lunches, we were attracted by the "sight-seeing 
 auto" standing in front of the St. Charles. Circulars 
 were scattered about, advertising "Two delightful 
 tours daily and Sunday, leaving St. Charles Hotel 
 daily at 10 A. M. and 2 P. M." I have thought it 
 worth while to print a copy of the advertised descrip- 
 tion of the tour in order to show the reader how 
 quackery flourishes and is respected in business life 
 as well as in professional. I formerly supposed that 
 the medical, legal and sporting professions were the 
 only ones which could successfully impose their frauds 
 upon the public, but I am now hunting for the only 
 profession or business that does not. I would advise 
 all young men to divide the business public into two 
 classes, viz., enemies and friends. The former will 
 want his money to enrich themselves at his expense; 
 the latter will solicit it to ruin both him and them- 
 selves but him at any rate. Above all he should be- 
 ware of the latter, that his money may not ruin both. 
 
35* 
 
 BACK 
 
 DESCRIPTION OF TOUR 
 
 THE largest automobile in the world takes its way through 
 the modern business and residential sections of New 
 Orleans as well as that most mystical and picturesque 
 part known as the "French Quarter." Here every square has 
 its realistic or legendary lore and here will be seen the de- 
 scendants of the French and Spanish noblesse and that pecul- 
 iar type of American civilization the Creole of Louisiana. 
 
 Below are given a 
 
 FEW ATTRACTIONS 
 St. Charles Hotel. 
 A Ride Along the Great Levees. 
 Canal Street. 
 Steamboat Landing. 
 The Custom House and Post Office 
 
 (Corner stone laid by Henry Clay) . 
 Liberty Monument. 
 Building costing $4,000,000.00. 
 Lafayette Square. 
 Henry Clay Monument. 
 Mississippi River Packets. 
 Algiers. 
 
 Immense Sugar Refinery. 
 Jackson Square. 
 
 Former "Plantations of the King." 
 Place d'Armes. 
 Royal Street. 
 City Hall (1850). 
 New Court House and Jail. 
 Orpheum Theater. 
 Y. M. C. A. Building. 
 First Sugar Refinery n Louisiana 
 
 (1794). 
 
 Statue of Gen. Robert E. Lee. 
 Lee Circle. 
 
 St. Louis Cemetery No. 1. 
 St. Louis Cemetery No. 2. 
 St. Louis Cemetery No. 3. 
 Pickwick Club. 
 
 Chess Checker and Whist Club. 
 Building in which Mardi Gras Balls 
 
 are held. 
 
 OP THIS TOUR 
 
 Statue of Benjamin Franklin. 
 
 Statue of John McDonough. 
 
 Beautiful St. Charles Avenue. 
 
 First Presbyterian Church. 
 
 Home of the Famous "Sazerac 
 Cocktail." 
 
 Old French Market. 
 
 House where Gen. Lafayette was 
 entertained. 
 
 Old Basin. 
 
 Carondelet Canal. 
 
 Most Ancient Cemetery in New 
 Orleans. 
 
 Monument to Gen. Jackson. 
 
 Bourbon Street. 
 
 First Church to be built in Louis- 
 iana. 
 
 Building in which transfer of Louis- 
 iana Purchase was made to U. S. 
 
 Old Antique Shops. 
 
 Ancient Court House. 
 
 Old Cabildo house of Spanish, 
 French and American Govern- 
 ments. 
 
 St. Louis Cathedral (first built in 
 1718). 
 
 Famous French Opera House. 
 
 Old St. Louis Hotel (now Hotel 
 Royal). 
 
 Tulane and Crescent Theatres. 
 
 Cotton Exchange. 
 
 Boston Club. 
 
 THE famous auto passes these and many more points of 
 interest, traversing the historic byways ,and grand 
 boulevards of this quaint old city. An expert guide 
 accompanies each tour and points out each interesting feature 
 and tells of the past grandeur and romance and the future 
 greatness of New Orleans. 
 
 ONE DOLLAR THE ROUND TRIP . 
 
 Leave St. Charles Hotel 
 
 Seats Reserved in Advance. Telephone, St. Charles Hotel News Stand, 
 Main 1600 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 353 
 
 There was a fifty-cent touring auto that started 
 once a day from the corner of Canal and St. Charles 
 Street, but the best was none too good for us (as the 
 sequel proved) and we chose the dollar tour because 
 the price was higher and the advertising circulars 
 more numerous. 
 
 The description should have commenced thus: 
 
 "The largest and most old-fashioned and used-up 
 automobile takes its way at a snail's pace through the 
 modern business and residential sections of New Or- 
 leans as well as that most delusive and dilapidated 
 part known as the "French quarter." Here every 
 square inch has its realistic or legendary lore of which 
 our guide knows not a thing and says not a word 
 therefore don't bother him with questions. And here 
 will be seen the descendants and decadents of the 
 French and Spanish noblesse and great has been the 
 descent and that peculiar type of American civil- 
 ization, the Creole of Louisiana. All of these things 
 and many more will not be pointed out to you. 
 
 "The infamous auto passes by these and many more 
 points of no more interest, traversing the historic 
 byways and grand boulevards of this grand old city. 
 A pert guy accompanies each tour and puts out each 
 interesting feature, and says nothing about the pres- 
 ent, and knows nothing about the past grandeur and 
 romance, and the future greatness of New Orleans." 
 
 If the company will change the circular to read as 
 I have corrected it, I will recommend it as an honest 
 one trying to live up to its advertisement. Otherwise 
 I must condemn it as a corrupt Philadelphia company. 
 
354 BACK 
 
 a buyer of cast-off automobiles and off-caste young 
 men, which are sent to far-off cities to play tricks 
 upon visitors. The company runs automobiles in 
 Washington and Philadelphia as well, and sends unin- 
 structed strangers to act as guys and guides. They 
 depend for their success upon the reputation of some 
 of the well-conducted tours in other cities, notably 
 Chicago. They avoid trouble by collecting the fares 
 before they start. 
 
 On our way through the French quarter Doctor 
 Frank tried in vain to get a single word from the guy 
 about "the past grandeur and romance" or the "legend- 
 ary lore," or about the history of the places. The 
 guy had never studied history nor read the news- 
 papers, and had not even learned to speak a little 
 piece about either history, legend, romance or "rot." 
 He could not even tell a lie. He pointed his finger at 
 a few business houses, pronounced the names of clubs, 
 and showed us the charred walls of a club house that 
 had been burned the day before, and pronounced it 
 the latest thing in ruins. He showed us the house of 
 a rich man, and when we came to the oldest Protestant 
 church he stood up and said, "This is the First Pres- 
 byterian Church," and sat down. When we got back 
 he also showed us the New St. Charles Hotel, and we 
 knew at least that he was giving this last "attraction" 
 its right name. 
 
 Should any reader doubt the truth of my words let 
 him ask Dr. J. Frank of Chicago, whose stomach was 
 full after his five days of fasting, and who therefore 
 felt in a mood to be pleased with anything half way 
 
THE LAST DAY AT SEA 355 
 
 entertaining or reasonable. He will say that I have 
 not told the truth, but only a portion of it, and he will 
 probably complete the recitation of the truth and give 
 it some of the color that belongs to it. He was anx- 
 ious to learn something about the town, but learned 
 nothing. He would even have been glad to tell the guy 
 a thing or two about historic and legendary New Or- 
 leans, or to give him a piece of his mind, if the fel- 
 low had been capable of appreciating either thing, or 
 anything. The fellow didn't know what he saw and 
 probably would not have understood what he heard. 
 Anyway he did not care to see or hear. He was sat- 
 isfied with himself and his salary, and we had not the 
 heart to interfere with his happiness, as he had with 
 ours.* 
 
 *In justice to the local Manhattan Auto-Car Co., whose office is at 211 
 St. Charles St., I wish to say that I was again in New Orleans in December 
 1907, and had a satisfactory ride in one of their vehicles. Our guide, 
 whose name was Ryniger, was as lively and full of information as the one 
 described above was stupid and ignorant. Those who take the trip should 
 select his car. 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 Traveling North by Way of the South 
 
 Off for Chicago Trying a Southern Railway The Sleeping- 
 car Mattress, One of the Luxuries of the World Court- 
 ing Sleep Astonishing Discovery of Daylight Spur- 
 ious Insomnia Missing a Cold Bath A Strange Stranger 
 Mobile The Battle House Restaurant Patriotic Cof- 
 fee Delicacy Versus Flavor Five-cent Cafe"-au-lait 
 Milk Versus Cream Central American Bitter Coffee 
 Cereal Coffee The Best Substitute The Stranger and 
 the Conductor Compelled to Keep a Saloon in His 
 Own House Hugging a Young Lady Tears and the 
 Bottle The Capital of Alabama Mismanaging a Cigar 
 Putting His Boots to Bed More Ice-water Cakes 
 and Lemons Breakfast on the Train An Unaccount- 
 able Disappointment Drowning Sorrow in Drink The 
 Great American Treating Habit. 
 
 After our oyster supper my comrades started for 
 Chicago via the Illinois Central Railway, and as I 
 was committed to the Louisville and Nashville route, 
 we parted company. My train was scheduled to start 
 at 8 P. M., but a train which was to connect with us 
 was indefinitely late, and as we could not safely go 
 backward in the dark in search of it, we had to wait. 
 Finally the expected happened, the loiterer arrived, 
 and we started off at a soothing pace that put me to 
 sleep. At home where I had a comfortable bed, a 
 quiet room and everything my own way, I couldn't go 
 
 356 
 
TRA VELING NORTH 3 5 7 
 
 to sleep like that. In Chicago the pace is too fast. 
 Fortunately I had taken the precaution to ask the por- 
 ter to call me at six o'clock, that I might breakfast 
 at a genuine U. S. hotel in Montgomery, where the 
 train was to rest from seven to nine. 
 
 I awoke and turned over a few times in the course 
 of the night, as one does on sleeping-car mattresses. 
 I did it, however, just to feel how soft and comforta- 
 ble the mattress was, and to congratulate myself. Any 
 one who does not appreciate a sleeping-car mattress 
 can learn to by taking passage in the S. S. Brighton. 
 Let him ask the purser, steward or any of the officers 
 of one of the small fruit boats about the Pullman mat- 
 tress. Let him serve on one of them for two or three 
 years and then try the Pullman bed. If I were a Car- 
 negie, a Peter Cooper, or any other conscientious mul- 
 ti-millionaire, living or dead, I would create a fund 
 with some of the money I couldn't enjoy in Heaven 
 or on earth, for the purpose of enabling all employees 
 of fruit boats to live on land. Why do not the fruit- 
 boatmen strike for better beds? Workmen on land 
 strike for everything they want, and get it; and ev- 
 erybody tolerates the general inconvenience of it. We 
 are all willing to help. 
 
 I noticed after two or three waking spells that the 
 train was always stationary, but inferred that it was 
 the stopping that disturbed and wakened me, for I 
 was not accustomed to sleeping without noise and 
 motion. After a time I became convinced that I could 
 not go to sleep without their assistance, and waited 
 impatiently for the train to begin its rumbling and 
 
358 BACK 
 
 bumping motion. As it did not start I concluded 
 that it had stopped to take a long rest at Mobile, where 
 it was due at n 140 P. M., and that the time of day 
 was therefore the middle of the night. I felt like 
 blaming the Southern railroads for the way they al- 
 lowed their express trains to lie around on side-tracks 
 all along the line, waiting to miss connections, instead 
 of hustling to make time and accommodate nervous 
 people. I criticised them for their schedule habit of 
 leaving New Orleans at 8 P. M. in order to loaf about 
 Mobile and visit for two hours at Montgomery. My 
 train could just as well have left at midnight and have 
 given me an opportunity to go to the French opera 
 with Doctor and Mrs. Palmer and have an oyster 
 supper with them afterward, as to pretend to leave at 
 eight, lie waiting for late trains until after nine, then 
 shuffle off like a tramp-train and constantly wake me 
 by standing still. A sleeping car should not try to 
 imitate a bedroom in a country hotel. 
 
 I strove to become accustomed to the quiet and to 
 will myself to sleep. I kept turning myself over like 
 a pancake that must sooner or later get done. I 
 turned on my side and tried to snore myself off. But 
 snoring loves an audience, and I didn't have any. It 
 occurred to me that I was kept awake by the enjoy- 
 ment of the to me unusual comfort of the bed, so I 
 turned on my side and put my under arm behind me 
 to keep myself from being too comfortable. When I 
 couldn't endure that position any longer I uncovered 
 my head to be able to hear what was going on, and 
 thus listen myself to sleep, but there were no noises. 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 359 
 
 I threw down the cover and tried to keep cool, but 
 the car was warm. I tried all of the stunts known 
 to insomniacs, from complicated and inverted meth- 
 ods of counting to the solution of problems and the 
 composition of scientific lectures, but they only made 
 me hungry. Apparently I had not eaten oysters 
 enough in New Orleans to last through the attack, 
 so I ate two apples which I happened to have in my 
 overcoat pocket. But eating never did agree with 
 me, and I became more wide awake than ever. In 
 bed I was no better off than an ordinary millionaire. 
 His money could not buy Nature's gift to the poor, 
 and my science could not produce it. I knew that we 
 were not lying at Montgomery or it would have been 
 daylight and the porter would have called me. Hence 
 I concluded that my arrival in the United States had 
 brought back my old insomnia and that there was no 
 remedy for it but expatriation or a sailor's life. 
 
 Finally I became utterly discouraged at having lost 
 almost an entire night's rest, for I was too much of 
 a veteran to expect any more sleep that night. So I 
 sat up and pulled aside the window curtain to see if 
 there were any signs of dawn. To my astonishment 
 I let in bright sunlight. The window curtain had fit- 
 ted so tightly in the window frame that the usual 
 morning ray of light had not penetrated. I had mis- 
 taken the shimmer of light about the edges of the 
 curtains for the night lights of the station. I rang 
 for the porter and asked him why it was daylight. 
 
 "Dunno, sah," he answered, " 'cept it's eight o'clock, 
 and we's waitin' heah at Mobile foh a broken bridge 
 to git mended." 
 
360 BACK 
 
 All of my insomnia had evidently been since about 
 6 A. M., and after eight hours of sleep, or two hours 
 more than my average when I am sleeping well. I 
 now knew that I had acquired the insomnia habit, and 
 was destined to be a victim of insomnia no matter 
 how well I slept. A bridge over which we were to 
 pass was disabled, and by waiting until it was repaired, 
 instead of going right along regardless, like a North- 
 ern express train, we missed a cold morning bath 
 being given no chance to choose between the bath and 
 the extra nap. The train ahead of us had taken our 
 bath. But like all dyspeptics who fret before arising, I 
 felt consoled and cheerful after getting up and letting 
 in the sunlight and realizing that the world was still 
 getting on all right. 
 
 As the bridge could not be sufficiently repaired for 
 traffic until noon, I concluded to make the best of the 
 situation and hunt up a good cup of coffee. Mobile 
 was the capital of the French possessions in America 
 200 years ago, long before old New Orleans was 
 born. In the antebellum days Mobile was the hot- 
 house of the Southern aristocracy and is now one of 
 the richest towns in the old South in proportion to its 
 population. I would find a good cup of cafe-au-lait in 
 Mobile. 
 
 While I was making my toilet, a man of about sev- 
 enty years, with scant white hair and delicate features, 
 entered the dressing-room with a pint bottle of whis- 
 key in his hand, and addressed me cordially. 
 
 "Have a drop, stranger?" 
 
 "Is it French coffee ?" I asked. 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 361 
 
 "No, it's Kentucky corn juice. Try some?" 
 
 "No, I thank you. I always begin the day with a 
 drink of pure water." 
 
 "And end it with a drink of pure whiskey, eh? I 
 commence with water too, but I can't take it pure be- 
 fore breakfast." 
 
 After taking a stomachful of equal parts of whiskey 
 and water, he warmed up and became talkative. He 
 told me he had boarded the train at midnight and had 
 awaked in the morning at the same place from which 
 he had started. He said the train had held its own 
 and hadn't drifted any, and that he had known it 
 wouldn't; but he had engaged his berth to sleep in 
 and was going to fulfill his part of the contract like 
 a law-abiding citizen. 
 
 I told him that this delay was only one of many 
 mishaps that had befallen me, that I had experienced 
 nothing but delays since I had left home six weeks 
 before, and would arrive there nearly a week behind 
 time. I had been singularly unfortunate. 
 
 "Young man!" he exclaimed in a startling, sepul- 
 chral voice that quivered slightly, like that of an ora- 
 tor giving a cue to the emotion he is about to evoke. 
 "Young man, you don't know what you are talking 
 about." 
 
 "You're right," I answered; "I have had insomnia 
 since six o'clock this morning, and my bearings are 
 a little bit off. I never complain of real troubles, for 
 they are blessings in disguise. They are good for us. 
 Fancied troubles are the blighting ones." 
 
 "Suppose that you had been kept away from your 
 
362 BACK 
 
 home on account of your health for three months, and 
 were now called home to a dying wife, and couldn't 
 make any better progress than I have since I started 
 last night? You don't know what real troubles are, 
 young man." 
 
 Here he took another drink of his poison and I 
 expressed as much sympathy as I could, considering 
 the novelty of the exhibition, and started out in search 
 of my poison, viz., cafe-au-lait. 
 
 I confess that I was considerably surprised at the 
 old-fashioned provincial aspect of the town, and con- 
 cluded that it was a better place than it appeared to 
 be. Like New Orleans, it had a good harbor, had 
 wealth, was the seaport of a prosperous Southern 
 state, and imported bananas ; yet it looked to me very 
 much like a large country town of one business street. 
 It belonged to the older generation of cities, already 
 in a senile stage of existence. But the old aristocrats, 
 who had been too proud to engage in commercial pur- 
 suits or to encourage their sons to do so, were nearly 
 all dead, and the town, under the influence of new 
 ideas, was beginning a new life and taking on new 
 growth and development. So I resolved to test her 
 with cafe-au-lait, and hurried out in search of the 
 Battle House of antebellum fame. I finally found a 
 shabby old building that had seen better days, with 
 an unexpectedly aristocratic-looking restaurant under 
 it full of well-dressed negro waiters, who bowed and 
 scraped and ran on tiptoe as they always do where 
 the tipping system is in vogue. It was the waiters' 
 way of announcing the fact to their victims. But the 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 363 
 
 poor fellows (the waiters) served them (their vic- 
 tims) with a sort of feverish anxiety, and served them 
 well and swell, and thus almost justified the system. 
 My waiter was not, however, as good a Frenchman 
 in scholarship as in manners, for although he under- 
 stood my order for an omelette, he did not under- 
 stand "cafe-au-lait," or "coffee with hot milk." Hot 
 milk was too plebeian cream was served in his res- 
 taurant. 
 
 After a long wait my breakfast came. The omelette 
 was good, but the rolls were American biscuit rolls, 
 damp, soft, lukewarm and flavorless. And the hot 
 milk was in a tiny lunch-counter pitcher that held less 
 than two tablespoonfuls. The coffee was clear and 
 unadulterated, and therefore genuine United States 
 made coffee. When U. S. makes coffee that is clear, 
 U. S. thinks she has made coffee. She uses good or 
 bad Mocha and Java in moderate quantity, but in or- 
 der to make it clear she puts an egg in it which hard- 
 ens about the grounds before the full flavor has been 
 extracted, and thus much of the flavor remains at the 
 bottom of the pot to be boiled out and developed for 
 the servants and the waste-pail. Then the drinker 
 covers up the taste with rich cream, thinking that the 
 flavor, being covered up, cannot get away. Such cof- 
 fee is comparatively harmless to the commonwealth, 
 and on that account deserves its popularity. It is one 
 of the few popular things that are harmless. 
 
 One of the advantages of cafe-au-lait is that the 
 proportion of the two ingredients can be varied to 
 suit the taste or idiosyncrasy of the drinker. Those 
 
364 BACK 
 
 who can not drink strong coffee can diminish the pro- 
 portion of coffee with milk until but little coffee is 
 used, and those who can not drink full strength milk 
 can reduce the quantity of milk until but little milk is 
 used. The palate will soon become accustomed to 
 what is habitually drunk and may finally be taught 
 to prefer either dilution. 
 
 I ate my breakfast and my hunger was appeased; 
 but as I had started out to get a hot drink rather than 
 something to eat, I was not satisfied, and the enjoy- 
 ment of the meal was incomplete. I do not wish to 
 say anything derogatory to the Battle House restau- 
 rant, for the hotel has died since (was burned up) and 
 therefore deserves to be eulogized. In fact, I wish 
 to praise the restaurant on patriotic grounds. It made 
 American coffee and deserves praise for being Ameri- 
 can instead of French, which in itself is the highest 
 praise I can give. But it did not occur to me to feel 
 patriotic at the time. The temperature, following the 
 "norther," was 36 degrees F., the most chilling and 
 unpatriotic temperature of the whole Fahrenheit sys- 
 tem, and as I went out into the street my thoughts 
 were still upon a good, hot, comforting cup of coffee. 
 I therefore resolved to try again, and finally found a 
 low-down restaurant on the corner of Royal Street 
 near the station and got a cup of their cheap coffee, 
 probably ordinary South American or Central Ameri- 
 can, which might have been thickened and blackened 
 by a little chicory. It was not as clear and delicate 
 as that of the Battle House, but it had more flavor. 
 I asked for hot milk and when I had diluted the coffee 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 365 
 
 nearly one half, the mixture still had flavor. I could 
 have drunk three or four cupfuls. The charge for it 
 was five cents. The price was the only bad thing 
 about it, and I almost felt un-American at having 
 enjoyed five cents so hugely. I felt humiliated, but 
 I felt good. 
 
 The Central American coffee is quite bitter when 
 well made. I was told that in order to develop the 
 bitter flavor the Central Americans burn the coffee 
 beans when they roast them, and thus render it more 
 bitter than natural. This scorching takes away some 
 of its delicacy of flavor and renders it unpalatable to 
 many North Americans, but by using plenty of sugar 
 when it is taken black, or by diluting it with an equal 
 quantity of hot unskimmed milk and using but a small 
 quantity of sugar, its bitterness is modified and it 
 has a richness of flavor that makes it preferable to the 
 so-called Mocha and Java as ordinarily made. It 
 differs from ordinary U. S. restaurant coffee as cham- 
 pagne from cider. But, of course, many prefer cider. 
 
 Cereal coffee is possibly a good substitute for young 
 people whose nerves are more easily injured than their 
 stomachs. But for middle-aged and old people it is 
 too heavy, for the amount of starch in it which must 
 be swallowed without mastication tends to produce 
 acid fermentation in the alimentary canal and hasten 
 the advent of gout, which is the goal of all good eaters 
 and drinkers. Cereal coffee has just one excuse for 
 existing, but I've forgotten what it is. Old-fash- 
 ioned chicory has more flavor and is less fermentable, 
 and therefore is preferable for both the young and 
 
366 BACK 
 
 old. Pure coffee contains no starch and not enough 
 tannin to injure a canary bird, and the stimulation 
 of moderate coffee drinking is not very injurious to 
 people past middle age. The only real contraindica- 
 tion is youth but youth is always contradictory. Next 
 to the sugar put into the coffee, the most injurious 
 feature is the manner of drinking it, viz., sipping it 
 while eating, and thus washing down food that should 
 be chewed until dissolved and washed down by the 
 saliva. 
 
 But the best solution of the whole coffee problem 
 is to sip a glass of hot, slightly salted milk at the be- 
 ginning and another at the end of the meal, and to eat 
 the meal dry between them. If persisted in to the 
 exclusion of coffee this hot milk habit will after a time 
 take away all desire for coffee drinking, which is a 
 habit of civilization and a very ancient and barbarous 
 one. But many of us who consider ourselves civil- 
 ized have barbarous tastes and habits, and do not wish 
 to relinquish them. We bequeath the refining of our 
 barbarous tastes to posterity to our heirs. Let them 
 fight over them, as they do over the other things. 
 
 After the train had finally pulled out I heard the 
 sleeping-car stranger telling the sleeping-car, conduc- 
 tor of his misfortune and the reason why he had been 
 obliged to stay away from his home, which was in 
 Hyde Park, Chicago. He said he couldn't stand the 
 cold there, and that it was impossible to get a hot 
 drink within walking distance of his house. 
 
 "Just imagine," he said, "living in Chicago and not 
 being able to get a hot drink ; to have to keep a saloon 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 367 
 
 in your own house. There is something wrong about 
 a community that makes every man keep a private 
 saloon." 
 
 "You're right, sir. There must be something wrong 
 about a city that can not provide saloons enough for 
 its citizens. They must be tea-totalers," replied the 
 conductor sympathetically. 
 
 "Yes, and every one of 'em is tanning his stomach 
 with tea and coffee. Serves 'em right. Let 'em tan 
 it, damn it! By the way, conductor, did you see the 
 fun a few minutes ago?" 
 
 "No, what was it?" 
 
 "I hugged a young lady, and she didn't object. 
 Yes, sir, I did it. As I was passing her in the aisle 
 she stumbled against me and I had to hug her to keep 
 from being knocked down. She begged my pardon 
 and I excused her, thinking that honors were even, 
 ha, ha!" 
 
 "We'll be looking for an elopement, next," sug- 
 gested the conductor. 
 
 "No," he said, "my tongue is the only thing that 
 would run away with me now." 
 
 After thus dwelling a while in a facetious manner 
 on the details of the romantic adventure, and repeat- 
 ing himself many times, he suddenly remembered 
 what he was there for and began to talk tearfully 
 about his wife, and pulled out his bottle and went 
 into the smoking-room for water. The old man was 
 as young in his feelings as the day he was born he 
 had a saving sense of humor. Those who are not 
 gifted with a sense of humor are born old ; those with 
 
368 BACK 
 
 it die young. Notwithstanding his troubles, the old 
 man was dying young. 
 
 We arrived at Montgomery at 5 P. M. and had to 
 change cars in order to catch the train that had left 
 New Orleans in the morning, twelve hours after we 
 had. By this time the old gentleman was dull and 
 heavy and did not wish to get off. He had paid for 
 his berth expecting the car to go on to Chicago, and 
 insisted on keeping it. He said that he had fulfilled 
 his part of the contract. They put him off, however, 
 and I left the poor old fellow in the station while I 
 went out for a stroll through the. main thoroughfare 
 of the picturesque little capital of Alabama in the 
 heart of the South. It is a busy-looking place of about 
 30,000 inhabitants, with crowded streets and attrac- 
 tive-looking stores that seemed to be doing plenty of 
 business. Following the main thoroughfare, I soon 
 came within sight of the state-house, which showed 
 off to great advantage on the hill at the head of the 
 street. Beside it I found the Confederate Soldiers' 
 Monument, which was a credit to the state from a 
 confederate point of view. It even created strong 
 feelings of admiration and sympathy in me, a lifelong 
 republican and sinner. 
 
 When I returned to the train at half past six the 
 old Hyde Parker, who was forced to keep a private 
 saloon in his own house, came aboard with a full 
 stock of wet goods in his system and a fresh stock 
 in his pocket. He sat in the smoking-room trying in 
 vain to crack jokes and smoke a cigar. His ideas 
 were muddled and he had lost the knack of managing 
 
TRA VELING NORTH 369 
 
 a lighted cigar. He did not put the wrong end in 
 his mouth nor miss his mouth, but he repeatedly 
 dropped it, let it go out twice, chewed the end off, 
 burned his fingers and finally threw it at the cuspidor, 
 missing his aim and scattering the ashes on our feet. 
 
 Two young men, who seemed to be commercial 
 travelers, took a kind-hearted interest in him and of- 
 fered to help him to bed. But the septuagenarian 
 did not know the number of his berth and could not 
 find his ticket. He had left it in his overcoat and did 
 not know where his overcoat was. One of the young 
 men went to the porter, found the overcoat and num- 
 ber, and had the berth made up. He himself had un- 
 doubtedly helped and been helped to bed on sundry 
 occasions in the past and was willing and qualified 
 for the deed of sympathy. When he returned the 
 old man was offering to fight three of us. I knew 
 that it was one of the Hyde Parker's tipsy jokes, 
 but the others, not knowing him as well as I did, 
 took him seriously and insisted upon putting him to 
 bed. They were preparing to use kindly force if nec- 
 essary. He then started to unlace his shoes in the 
 smoking-room and, upon being told by the astonished 
 young men not to take them off there, he said that he 
 wanted to put his shoes to bed first, and asked how 
 they could get to bed unless he put them there. Real- 
 izing that they took him in earnest, he went on in that 
 way for a while before he allowed them to lead him 
 off. He was not too far gone to have a little sport 
 with them. 
 
 The next morning when I entered the dressing-room 
 
 24 
 
370 BACK 
 
 his empty whiskey bottle lay on the washstand under 
 the ice-water faucet, indicating that he had been to 
 the water already, and he sat near the window eating 
 sponge cakes out of a paper bag. He was sober and 
 thoughtful and did not seem to be enjoying his break- 
 fast. I had a few limes left from the stock laid in at 
 Bocas del Toro and was sucking one. 
 
 "If you would suck one of these limes/' I said, "it 
 would give a fine lemon flavor to your cake." 
 
 "Lemons don't taste good, and they don't agree with 
 me," he replied with a sort of grimace. 
 
 "But I have studied foods and digestions for a quar- 
 ter of a century, and know what tastes good and di- 
 gests well. That cake is too sweet. Just try a lime 
 with it." 
 
 "Stranger," he said, "I have tasted and digested 
 food for nearly three quarters of a century and knew 
 what tastes good before you were thought of." 
 
 "Surely you must have been mistaken all of this 
 time," I said, "or you would agree with me, for I 
 am a physician and have learned all about taste and 
 digestion. Hereafter, before deciding how a thing 
 tastes, ask me." 
 
 "Well, Doctor, I'd like to know how whiskey 
 tastes." 
 
 "Like poison," I answered. 
 
 "Well, I feel just like taking poison, and the poi- 
 soner the better," he said as he arose and started for 
 the water tank. 
 
 I allowed him to poison himself while I went out 
 to the dining-car for breakfast. When I returned I 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 371 
 
 found him smoking a black cigar and looking quite 
 pleasant. The poison had reached its cerebral des- 
 tination and had overcome the melancholy tension. 
 
 He asked me how the breakfast had tasted. 
 
 "Why, you have been eating breakfast for three 
 quarters of a century and ought to know/' I answered. 
 
 "I've lived just long enough, Doctor, to learn that 
 eating breakfast before working for it is a bad habit 
 that follows civilization." 
 
 "I agree with you there. It is a mere matter of 
 taste after all. As a doctor I eat breakfast before I 
 work, not because it is a bad habit, but because I am 
 a doctor, and must know how it acts in order to be 
 able to treat others who do it. I eat to learn." 
 
 "And I suppose they charged you a dollar for the 
 lesson, for learning how it tasted?" 
 
 "No," I said, "this isn't a dollar car. Meals are 
 served a la carte. You can get all you want for less 
 than a dollar, unless you have an officious waiter who 
 puts on so much style for you that you feel ashamed 
 to take back what is left of your dollar. If you are 
 a grapefruit faddist your breakfast costs a quarter 
 more. Or if you are rich and don't know any better 
 you can take sweetened grapefruit, breakfast food 
 smothered with sugar, an omelette with jelly, melted 
 butter on toast, coffee sweetened into syrup, griddle 
 cakes served with honey and milk, and Apollinaris 
 to wash it all down, and can spend a couple of dollars 
 and lay up disease for the future, as the lady and gen- 
 tleman across from me were doing. I had a fine large 
 piece of broiled white fish, with Saratoga potatoes, 
 
372 BACK 
 
 cornbread, two cups of coffee and a pitcher of hot 
 milk, all for eighty cents, less than double the price 
 of a common restaurant breakfast." 
 
 "You have to pay something to keep the wheels 
 going around," he remarked. 
 
 "Yes, and for the comfort and convenience/' I 
 answered. "It's worth it. You can get chops for 
 fifty cents, a tenderloin steak for sixty-five cents, or 
 eggs for twenty cents." 
 
 The old man's eyes opened wider and he began to 
 swallow saliva as I continued: 
 
 "They have a fine list of specials on the bill of fare 
 this morning: Spanish omelette, hashed chicken with 
 poached eggs, shad's roe with bacon, and a lot of 
 dainty dishes at popular prices." 
 
 He put down his cigar and said, "I say, stranger, 
 I'm getting hungry for something good to eat, even 
 if I don't know what tastes good. I believe I'll go in 
 and try it." 
 
 When he came back I asked him if he had had a 
 good breakfast. 
 
 "Yes, I had breakfast," he said, and maintained a 
 gloomy silence. 
 
 Whether my glowing description had led him to 
 expect too much, or whether the prices were unsatis- 
 factory, or whether he had been taken with one of his 
 facetious attacks and had gotten himself into trouble 
 with the decorous and decorative dining-car conduc- 
 tor, or whether his domestic troubles had gained the 
 ascendency and spoiled his breakfast, or whether a 
 good meal did not agree with him as well as a good 
 
TRAVELING NORTH 373 
 
 drink, or whether it was getting too far past the time 
 for another "smile," or what not, I could not ascer- 
 tain. So I left him alone with his full stomach and 
 empty bottle and went to my seat in the sleeper. 
 
 When I returned a little later he was saying to two 
 men who were smoking with him : 
 
 "Gentlemen, I can't help speaking of it. I have 
 been buried in the pine woods for three months and 
 am now going home to bury my wife. Oh, it's hard! 
 Where's the porter? I must have another drink." 
 
 We tried to dissuade him and refused to join him, 
 but he got his drink in spite of our efforts. 
 
 "It's hard, gentlemen. I remember how when my 
 mother died, my father called my brother and me to 
 him and said, 'Boys, your mother is dying. She'll 
 never sit at the table with us again, never again.' 
 And to think that now I am going home to tell my 
 boys the same thing. Oh, it's hard! I must have an- 
 other drink. I can't stand it." 
 
 His voice was broken with emotion and his eyes 
 full of tears as he tried to persuade us to take a drink 
 with him, but he had to take one alone. We had no 
 excuse for getting drunk. We could not say, Joliet 
 like, "Drinking is such sweet sorrow, that I shall 
 keep on drinking till it be morrow." 
 
 By noon he had taken five drinks that I knew of, 
 besides having finished his own bottle before break- 
 fast, and was again telling jokes. He had a specific 
 remedy for grief. 
 
 The old man was a true American in his feelings 
 and actions. He had hesitated about paying a dollar 
 
374 
 
 for a breakfast on wheels with its flying luxuries, 
 and was not ashamed to be frugal in his diet, yet had 
 spent more than a dollar since breakfast for drinks, 
 and had offered to "treat" like a prince. And the 
 fact that he was on his way home to the bedside of a 
 dying wife was not sufficient even temporarily to break 
 up his drinking habit. Surely we Americans are 
 creatures of habit, especially of the treating habit, 
 which leads to the drinking habit. We are the most 
 hospitable people in the world. In other countries 
 people treat and entertain for a purpose; we do so 
 without a purpose. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Did You Have a Pleasant Trip? 
 
 Home at Last Too much Tropics The Hold-up Ex- 
 plaining about It at Home, per Telephone, at the Hos- 
 pital, at the Office The Time of My Life An Exhaust- 
 ing Office Hour Easier to Stay at Home A Formu- 
 lated Answer Its Nauseating Repetition Talking It 
 over with Another Victim. 
 
 I arrived at home late in the afternoon tired out 
 mentally by six weeks of discomfort and change of 
 habits, and weakened physically by bodily inactivity 
 and continuous tropical heat. Even the enjoyment 
 of the medical meetings was associated with loss of 
 sleep and overwork of the digestive organs, and did 
 nothing to rest the mind or invigorate the body. 
 I was in that excitable state of mind that usually accom- 
 panies an impoverished state of blood in active people. 
 And when my wife asked me if I had had a pleas- 
 ant trip I had to go into considerable unpleasant detail 
 to enable her to ask me why I went. 
 
 By the time I had divested myself of the dust and 
 dilapidation of travel, my son, who was as large as I, 
 but not as old, came home and startled me with the 
 information that he had been held up by two footpads 
 at eleven o'clock the night before on the corner of 
 Drexel Boulevard and Forty-sixth Street. 
 
 375 
 
376 BACK 
 
 "How dared you?" I exclaimed. "And within 
 half a block of home. How did you do it?" 
 
 "Oh, it was easy enough. I ran up against the muz- 
 zle of a pistol and they did the rest." 
 
 "But you should not have done it you are too 
 young. I am two and a half times as old as you, and 
 I haven't done it yet. / never ran up to two footpads 
 on a deserted boulevard at 1 1 P. M. One should always 
 reserve such experiences for the future. Don't you 
 know that it's dangerous to get frightened in that 
 way?" 
 
 "Oh, 7 wasn't frightened. They were frightened. 
 They were in such haste to run away that they only 
 took my carfare and pocketbook." 
 
 "So they took your carfare, your last nickel. It was 
 a mean trick. They ought to have been shot." 
 
 "No; they were quite decent and friendly. When 
 I asked them to give back my fraternity meal ticket, 
 which was all my pocketbook contained, they said 
 'Sure!' and handed it out to me. They did not even 
 take my fraternity pin which was in plain sight." 
 
 "Good for them! Fraternities originated among 
 thieves, as fraternity methods indicate. They showed, 
 however, that there is something good about frater- 
 nities by sharing your pocketbook with you. I sup- 
 pose that they also returned your watch ?" 
 
 "No; they didn't find it for I do not carry my fob 
 by night. In their hurry they forgot to feel of 
 the watch pocket in my pants." 
 
 "Don't say pants, Heath; say trousers. Or, if you 
 will talk Dago, say pantaloons. Pants and panties are 
 
DID YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP 377 
 
 undignified abbreviations. One would think that you 
 had been fraternizing with footpads all of your life." 
 
 "And they did not discover my ring, which was 
 concealed by my glove." 
 
 "Well, my son, now that you have accomplished 
 your object in coming home so late of nights, I hope 
 that you will consider that you have no further excuse 
 for making the street pavements work by night as 
 well as by day. And I trust you will also profit by 
 the example of your fraternal footpads never to do 
 things in a hurry, even when you are doing wrong. 
 How did you get away from them?" 
 
 "They told me to hand over my bills. But when 
 they learned that receipted bills were the only kind 
 I had, they told me to run. I said 'Sure !' and ran. 
 And they ran in the opposite direction as fast as they 
 could. I ran to Forty-seventh Street and saw a po- 
 liceman as far away as I could see toward Fiftieth 
 Street, walking toward me." 
 
 "Well, I congratulate you," I said, growing calmer 
 as I realized that he had had a useful experience, one 
 that is not vouchsafed to every college boy. "You are 
 smarter than your father ; your business horizon is not 
 bounded by the payment of bills. You came out ahead 
 in your bargain with the footpads; you gave them a 
 nickel and they gave you a meal ticket. Keep on 
 getting the better of people and you will die rich. I 
 discovered the method too late to adopt it as a prin- 
 ciple. If I had my life to live over again, I would 
 take a lesson from you. But don't forget to profit by 
 this experience, viz., to wear gloves when you wear a 
 
378 BACK 
 
 ring, and to spend all but your carfare before coming 
 home at night." 
 
 He then asked me if I had had a nice time while 
 away. After I had explained to him that I had not 
 derived as much of a sensation from my six weeks 
 and hundreds of dollars as he had from his five min- 
 utes and a nickel, my younger son arrived and asked 
 me the same question, and thus made another expla- 
 nation necessary. 
 
 Dinner was then ready. After dinner my married 
 daughter called up my wife by telephone and asked 
 her if I had had a pleasant trip. My wife answered: 
 
 "Oh, yes; but he is very tired. Traveling is so 
 tiresome, etc., etc.," and thus evaded a direct answer. 
 She couldn't tell a lie, and she wouldn't tell the truth. 
 
 A little later Doctor Doering called me up and 
 asked me if I had had a pleasant trip. I explained 
 in detail how storms at sea and the inevitable and 
 invariable miscalculations and misconnections of 
 Southern travel had interfered more or less with the 
 accomplishment of the objects of my medico-social 
 holiday enterprise. 
 
 The next morning I stopped at the Woman's Hos- 
 pital and met Doctor Martin, the great medical hand- 
 shaker, at the hall door. He stepped up to me with 
 a radiant accentuated smile, shook me thoroughly 
 and said: 
 
 "Why, hello, Byford! Did you have a pleasant 
 trip?" 
 
 He had me by the hand and is stronger than he 
 looks. Hence I could not quickly get away, and pro- 
 
DID YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP 379 
 
 ceeded to explain that I had seen the place where it 
 was thought that the canal was going to be dug, and 
 where it was thought that the meeting of the Medical 
 Congress had been held, and was more or less satis- 
 fied with my trip, particularly with the getting back 
 end of it. 
 
 After a few other evasive answers, applauded by 
 genuine shakes, I escaped from his grip and ran al- 
 most into the arms of the housekeeper. She stopped 
 a minute, looked at me with animated eyes and an ex- 
 pansive smile and said: 
 
 "Why, Doctor By ford, how do you do ? Did you 
 have a pleasant trip?" 
 
 "Why y-yes, very pleasant that is considering 
 that I had to be away from the hospital and my work. 
 Very pleasant, but quite warm and sunshiny, thank 
 you." 
 
 I escaped up stairs, but Doctor Steele stood grin- 
 ning at the top. "Why, how are you, Byford? Did 
 you have a pleasant trip?" 
 
 "Yes, of course. It was a great success and I got 
 back safely. I met the Panama women and the Pan- 
 apa men and saw the site of the Panamanana canal 
 and many other strange sights." 
 
 I hurried away toward the wards as if very busy, 
 although I had but one patient in the hospital. She 
 was there when I left for Panama, and had apparently 
 waited, womanlike, to ask me the question, for there 
 seemed to be nothing else the matter with her. But 
 she paid me for my answer and was welcome to it. 
 
 Before I could escape from the building Doctor 
 
380 BACK 
 
 Paddock caught sight of me in time to stop me. He 
 slowed up for a good talk, and exclaimed in his hail- 
 f ellow-well-metest manner : 
 
 "Why, Byford, how are you, old fellow? Did you 
 have a pleasant trip?" 
 
 I threw up my right hand in Patrick Henry style 
 and cried as I rushed by him toward the door: 
 
 ''Did I? I had the time of my life, the very time 
 of my life! Ha, ha!" 
 
 I shot out of the door, lost my footing, and slid 
 all the way down the icy iron steps, reckless of life and 
 limb, and was off for my office. It is strange how one 
 will forget one's dignity and risk one's life for things 
 and people that don't pay. One should never lose 
 one's patience, or one's equilibrium in a hurry. 
 
 At the office the young lady attendant greeted me 
 effusively (more so, I thought, than the mere fact 
 that I had come to keep my regular office hour really 
 called for), and wanted to know if I had had a pleas- 
 ant trip. 
 
 "The time of my life ; the very loveliest time of my 
 life," I said, and locked myself in my private room. 
 
 On account of having returned later than I had 
 announced, I had an unusually large number of pa- 
 tients that morning. Each one delayed me at the end 
 of the consultation by politely and kindly asking the 
 question. Evidently they considered it a sort of tail 
 or tale to the consultation, as a dessert belongs to a 
 dinner or a wag to a dog. 
 
 Before I had gotten through with my patients Doc- 
 tor Isham caught a glimpse of me as I ushered one 
 
DID YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP 381 
 
 of them out, and rushed into me and shook my hand 
 with the spontaneous cordiality of true politeness. He 
 said that he did not wish to take up my time while 
 patients were waiting, but just wanted to ask me if I 
 had had a pleasant trip. 
 
 "Why, sir," I said jubilantly, "I just had the time of 
 my life, that's all. Banquets, highballs and fancy 
 balls enough to drown us and bury us and decorate 
 our graves. The Panamanians spent $25,000 on 
 twenty-five of us in four days, and seven of the twen- 
 ty-five were from Chicago. Chicago got a third, and 
 probably more. In short, we had a hot time. If you 
 don't believe it, go to Panama next Christmas and find 
 out." 
 
 After thus beating time for a while longer I got 
 him out. When I had taken the "dessert" with my last 
 patient I felt quite exhausted, for, as I have intimated 
 before, life in the tropics thins the blood and softens 
 the muscles, and thus had diminished my powers of 
 endurance. While there I had not felt the need of 
 good blood and firm muscles, but upon assuming ac- 
 tive duties in zero weather I missed them. When, 
 therefore, I started for home I was in a neurasthenic, 
 irritable state of mind. As I passed through the re- 
 ception-room the sister of the office attendant, who 
 happened to be there, smiled and bowed to me and 
 wanted to know if I had had a pleasant trip. 
 
 "What's that?" I said, less ceremoniously than I 
 intended. 
 
 "Did you have a pleasant trig, Doctor?" 
 
 "Oh why certainly. Why not? Do you suppose," 
 
382 BACK 
 
 I said gaily, as I backed toward the door, "that I 
 could travel 2,400 miles and spend $25,000 in four 
 days without having a pleasant trip? Just spend 
 $25,000 and travel 2,400 miles in four days and you'll 
 know what a pleasant trip I had; you'll have the time 
 of your life. Then every one will ask you if you had 
 a pleasant trip, and you'll have the time of your life 
 again. Good day." 
 
 And so for several days my life was dominated by 
 this conventionality of polite speech. It would have 
 been much easier to have staid at home than to have 
 gone through what I had, viz., five days of sickness 
 on the S. S. Limon; one night on the seasick Italian 
 steamship; nearly two weeks in the blood-hot city 
 of Panama, dodging mosquitoes and not daring to 
 light the candle in my bedroom, laboriously tucking 
 in the mosquito bar all around every night in the dark, 
 and hiding under it for three hours in the middle of 
 each day ; perspiring continuously ; bathing in a wash- 
 bowl; forced to eat and drink two banquets daily, 
 that kept me thin ; treating and being treated to high- 
 balls half a dozen times daily, that made me sick; 
 being cheated by Chinamen, that made me ashamed; 
 having to see a brave rooster murdered and a tame 
 bull tortured and assassinated; spending a week 
 stowed away in the S. S. Brighton, while rocked by 
 the trade-winds, tossed by a "norther" and bedeviled 
 by insomnia ; becalmed for twelve hours between New 
 Orleans and Chicago; losing a bunch of keys, two 
 umbrellas, five handkerchiefs, my railroad ticket, a 
 ten-dollar bill and a necktie fastener; being caught 
 
DID YOU HAVE A PLEASANT TRIP 383 
 
 fifty-five times in the rain and once in the water, and 
 then having to write a book about it. But to be asked 
 forty times a day for forty days, "Did you have a pleas- 
 ant trip ?" cured me of all desire for travel. Travel and 
 travail are of the same origin. The next time I want 
 to go to Panama I will stay at home and read about it, 
 and then talk about it. Let others who care to go, read 
 my book instead. The book isn't half as bad as the 
 trip, and nobody will ask them about it, and thus they 
 will not be obliged to tell lies about it. In order to clear 
 my conscience for all time, I formulated an answer 
 that I chose not to consider a lie. I replied to every- 
 body thus, "Pleasant trip? Why, I had the time of 
 my life. Read my book about it 'tis just like it." 
 
 But even the repetition of the formula became as 
 nauseating as forty squabs (or squalls) in forty days, 
 and I sometimes made myself ridiculous by invent- 
 ing uncompromising variations. But finally I learned 
 to be patient, and now feel that my trip to the tropics 
 was worth while, for it finished the development of 
 my character. I have become a man of patience, and 
 say nothing whenever I feel as if I ought to talk 
 back. 
 
 I met Doctor Brower on the street one day and 
 asked him if he had had a pleasant trip. He stopped 
 breathing for a second and looked at me queerly, but 
 finally smiled. 
 
 "Byford, do you know, I have heard that remark 
 before." 
 
 "Shake!" said I. "Misery loves company. I sup- 
 pose that you have become a confirmed liar by this 
 
384 BACK 
 
 time, and are writing a text-book full of lies and bad 
 advice." 
 
 "Well, it's terribly monotonous," he answered, "to 
 have to repeat to every one you meet what a fine time 
 you have had. But our trip was not such a very bad 
 one after all." 
 
 "What? Come now, you don't have to lie to me. 
 You're overdoing it. Beware of the lying habit." 
 
 "Well, it wasn't very sweet but it was short. You 
 ought to travel with Doctor Senn to the North Pole, 
 Lake Baikal, Vladivostok, tropical India, and every 
 other God-forsaken place on the footstool. You'd 
 consider this trip an interesting little nightmare to be 
 laughed at and forgotten, when compared with the 
 prolonged punishment of trotting around the globe 
 after Senn, whose legs are made of solid steel. But 
 I've done with Senn as a traveling companion. His 
 notion of joy and mine are constitutionally different. 
 Something is wrong with his idea of enjoyment. I 
 can't diagnose his case because he has no nerves. 
 There's something uncanny about him. He can't be 
 discouraged, killed or made seasick. I've no patience 
 with him."