Ex Libris ISAAC FOOT INTERLUDES (SECOND SERIES) BEING TWO ESSAYS, A FARCE, AND SOME VERSES. INTERLUDES (SECOND SERIES) BEING TWO ESSAYS, A FARCE, AND SOME VERSES BY (horace smith.. iL'onbon MACMILLAN AND C O. AND NEW YORK 1894 5 7J^£ CONTENTS. Essays — PAGE I. On Hypocrisy, - i II. On Character, 38 A Farce — The Burglars Serenaded, 75 A Farrago of Verses — Wordsworthian Impressions in Court, - - - - 93 The Briefless One, ... - - - 94 To the Wine Treasurer of the Circuit Mess, - - - 95 Ode to Summer, - - - - - - - 96 Serenade (Morning), - - - - - 98 Autumn Song, -------- 99 Ye Ancient Knights Templar and ye New Reader, - ico Old Nursery Rhymes for the use of Board Schools, - 109 v j CONTENTS. A Farrago of Verses {continued, — PAGE The Knight of the Forest, - - - 112 The One Horse Shay (a New Version), - - 116 Volunteer Song, - - ----- 119 Lines Written at Chamounix, • - - 122 Double Acrostics,- - I2 3 Nonsense Verses, I2 4 ESSAYS. ESSAYS. I. HYPOCRISY. (i.) THE RELIGIOUS OR MORAL HYPOCRITE. It will be conceded that hypocrisy in its worst form is one of the most loathsome of moral diseases — " The sin That neither man nor God can well forgive, Hypocrisy. " Straightforward wickedness and outrageous depravity may be forgiven after a time; but hypocrisy never. Our blood curdles when we call to mind the names of hypocrites, real or imaginary. Iago, Joseph Surface, Uriah Heap, Titus Oates, Dousterswivle, Pecksniff, Charles Honeyman, Becky Sharpe, Lewis XL, Ananias, Gehazi, Judas. How crushing is the accusation, " Thou hypocrite." How awful, but how righteous does the denunciation sound, " Woe unto you, hypocrites ! " Who would not suffer any indignity rather than be branded by the name of " hypocrite " — the moral leper whom no man will approach — " unclean, unclean ! " " Trust him not who seems a saint," said old Fuller. A 2 ESS A VS. How often in the sad experience of life we have had to acknowledge the truth of this bitter saying. There was a certain Mr. Pye in Lincolnshire ; he was out- wardly a religious man and of the highest morals. He swindled everybody. Mr. Hastings was a man in whom people placed implicit confidence ; he was Chairman of Quarter Sessions, etc. Yet his trial and disgrace are fresh in our memories. Sir John Dean Paul was a saint among the Low Church party until he was found out. A thief turned Sir John's hypocrisy to some account when he asked for his prayers, and in the ardour of his soul embraced Sir John's knees, and ran away with his watch. But, generally speaking, it is not easy to "score off" the hypocrite. It is he who scores off others. He takes them in, and he feeds on them. He is like some beautiful flowers we read about that open their petals to the fly and then seize upon it and devour it. The latest instance of the money- grabbing hypocrite is that of the man Loughnan, who got ;£i 40,000 out of poor Mr. Henry Morley for the advancement of true religion and virtue. It is a curious thing that from the days of Judas to the present day the religious hypocrite always manages to get the control of the money-bag. He is the man whom everybody trusts before he is found out, and it is often quite wonderful for what a long time he will flourish like a green bay tree. "Hypocrisy," said Rochefoucalt, "is the homage which vice pays to virtue." So that the old proverb applies, " Imitation is the sincerest flattery." It seems strange, when we find the wicked affecting virtue, and desiring to be thought virtuous ; and upon the other HYPOCRISY. 3 hand the really virtuous often giving themselves the airs of the worldly wicked. Hypocrisy is said in Hudibras to be " the thrivingest calling, The only saints' bell that sings all in. In which all churches are concerned, And is the easiest to be learned." Certainly there are hypocrites in every sect, and it would be at once difficult and invidious to apportion the probable average numbers which belong to each. It is more agreeable and equally correct to observe, that every sect has its true believers, who, as far as human frailty will permit, endeavour honestly to carry into practice the teachings of their faith. Nor is it alto- gether fair to set down any peculiarity of demeanour as clearly evincing hypocrisy. Neither the nasal exclamations of the most pronounced nonconformist, nor the prostrations of the most advanced ritualist, are necessarily hypocritical, though to the uninformed ob- server they would seem to be so. People are much too ready to call any act of devotion to which they are not accustomed, "hypocrisy." But, upon the other hand, I remark that all fanati- cism, whether religious or political, leads to hypocrisy. Fanaticism in its inception is all earnestness and sin- cerity ; but it declines to be governed by reason and by truth. It will have what it wants, if not by fair means then by foul, and hence fanatics are great pre- tenders, and their lives are often bizarre, and open to the sneers of the avowed unbeliever. It is true that in these days of respectability there is not much hypocrisy of the more villainous kind ; 4 ESS A YS. but there is a quiet kind of hypocrisy about the forms of religion. People go to church because it is respect- able, and they join more or less in the service because the general opinion is that it is decent to do so in moderation. They also abstain from " daily service over the net," and from garden parties on a Sabbath. But, on the whole, although the form of religion may be kept up, the inner life is unaffected. Major Pendennis instructs Arthur in the ways of the world at Bays's Club : " Sir Hugh Trumpington is now upstairs at Bays's, playing piquet with Count Punter : he is the second best player in England — as well he may be; for he plays every day of his life, except Sundays (for he is an uncommonly religious man), from half-past three till half-past seven, when he dresses for dinner." . . . And on another occasion he says to Arthur : " The Duke of St. Davids, whom I have the honour of knowing, always sings in the country, and let me tell you it has a doosed fine effect from the family pew." Persons are not to be charged with hypocrisy because they fail to raise their minds to the proper pitch of devotion, or because they unwittingly allow their minds to wander into secular matters; nor are they to be charged with hypocrisy because their lives do not cor- respond with their apparent aspirations. "You must be very ignorant of human life," said Dr. Johnson, " if you think a man cannot be sincere in good principles though his practice may be bad." A celebrated lady at the court of a French king was observed to be fasting in Lent although her moral character in one respect was not unblemished ; on being taxed with HYPOCRISY. 5 hypocrisy she denied the charge, and said that she thought it very hard because she had been guilty of one crime that she should be suspected of all the rest. I do not know that I need describe the religious hypocrite at any great length or give illustrations of his character. He is well known to satirical prose and poetry ; and, upon the stage, he is a frequent source of alternate disgust and merriment. But perhaps one or two illustrations may be permitted me. This is how Tennyson has described him in perhaps the only purely satirical lines he ever wrote : — " With all his conscience and one eye askew ; So false, he partly took himself for true ; Whose pious talk, when most his heart was dry, Made wet the crafty crow's-foot round his eye ; Who never naming God, except for gain, So never took that useful name in vain. Nor deeds of gift, but gifts of grace he forged, And snake-like slimed his victim ere he gorged ; And oft at Bible meetings o'er the rest Arising, did his holy oily best, Dropping the too rough H in Hell and Heaven To spread the Word, by which himself had thriven." The character here drawn is, no doubt, that of a Stiggins — the canting, Psalm-singing rascal, whom the old play- wright delighted to bring upon the stage ; but religious hypocrites are of various sorts. The stage religious hypocrite is well put on the boards in Bickerstaffe's play. Old Lady Lambert says to Maivivorm : " But what is the matter with you, Mr. Mawworm ? " Mawzvorm. " I'm a breaking my heart — I think it's a sin to keep a shop." 6 ESS A VS. Old L. "Why, if you think it a sin, it is one. Pray, what is your business ? " M. "We deal in grocery, tea, small beer, charcoal, butter, brick dust, and the like. I wants to go a preaching." Old L. "Do you?" M. "I'm almost sure I've had a call. I have made several sarmons already. I does them extrumpery, because I can't write ; and now the roughs in our alley says as how my head's turned. We lets our house in lodgings to single men, and sometimes I gets them together with one or two of the neighbours, and makes them all cry. I got upon Kennington Common the last review day ; but the boys threw brickbats at me, and pinned crackers to my tail, and I have been afraid to mount ever since. I says to them, says I, I stand here contagious to his Majesty's guards, and I charge you upon your apparels not to mislest me : and it had no more effect than if I spoke to so many postesses. . . . I was a great lover of skittles once, but now I can't bear 'em." Old L. " What a blessed reformation ! " M. " I informed, and convicted a man of swearing five oaths, as last Thursday was a se'night at the Pewter Platter in the Borough ; and another of three, whilst he was playing trapball in St. George's Fields. I bought this waistcoat out of my share of the money." I have now given you a specimen of the hypocrite as portrayed by the poet and by the dramatist ; and you may say that they are overdrawn. But allow me to introduce to you a hypocrite in real life as exhibited in his own letters. One of the most interesting books HYPOCRISY. 7 I have read for a long time is the Memoirs of the Verney Family during the Civil War. Splendid fellows some of them seem to have been, old Sir Ralph the father, Ralph the Parliamentarian, and Edmund the brave cavalier. But Tom is the ne'er-do-weel and the hypocrite. He writes to his father : " I desire when you have heard the good report my Captaine will relate to you, out of your noble mind you will remitt, and forgive all my former offences, and those faults which I have formerly and in such a base manner committed against so good a father as you are. Let these lines stir you to have pitty upon mee, that I may receive one smiling and merry countenance from you which I have formerly seen angry and frowning. Your true penitent and obedient son till death." Again he writes : " that you might thereby under- stand that I am leading a new life which shall not only yield great comfort to yourself, but be a comfort to all my friendes. Therefore, dear father, let mee again upon my bended knees crave at your mercifull hands pardon and forgiveness for that illspent life which I have formerly led." He then asks for his mother's blessing, and more money, and clothes. He begs for ^"20 from his brother Ralph, but desires him not to tell his father, " lest it hinder me of that money," which he has been begging from his father. Tom's brother, Ralph, writes: "About three days before hee went hee played me a slippery tricke, though I had many deepe protestations to the contrary. It was not discovered till he was gone." Tom writes in another letter to his mother (a begging letter, of course) : " There is no news worth your acceptance 8 ESSA YS. or worthy my labour, but that I am resolved by the grace of God to leade a new life, which I hope you will rejoice when you heare of it from others as well as myself." He writes to his brother Ralph : " Now whereas you write me word that I will never leave borrowing of such poor creatures, let me tell you lords and knights and gentlemen of far better rank than myself are and will be still indebted unto tailors, and therefore I count it no disparagement. There was a kinsman of ours (he shall be nameless becaus he is dead) that lived after a very high rank, and perhapps you thought that he would have scorned to have been credited by a poor taylor, yet I know where he was deeply indebted to one, but the taylor is now dead and so is he." What a slanderous hypocrite, and how artful ! Finally we hear him lamenting that he cannot come home by way of Diap or Calais, because the banquier who paid money on his forged bill was looking after him. " I have run into great error. It is too late to recall what I have done, but it is not too late to repent. My daily study now is to serve God and to avoid the banquier apprehending mee." This last touch of calculating how to evade God and the banquier at the same time is truly delicious. He mixes up the two together as if they were quite on a par ; and I don't doubt that the banquier was the more important of the two, his vengeance being less remote. I am reminded of a story about Serjeant Ballantyne when starting for India to defend some Indian Prince. "Well, Ballantyne," said a friend to HYPOCRISY. 9 him, "I suppose the Prince feels rather uncomfortable about this trial." "Oh, no," said the Serjeant, "not at all. He puts his trust in Providence and Ballantyne." The next most objectionable hypocrite is (2.) THE POLITICAL HYPOCRITE. In dealing with political hypocrisy it is unnecessary to indicate any particular party, or even to allude to party politics especially; but speaking generally, hypo- crites will be found amongst all those persons who are actively engaged in pursuing some policy involving some political or social change. All persons who wish to get and keep together a following, who will devote themselves to the attainment of some particu- lar object, are bound to exercise some diplomacy. Enthusiasm and energy will not suffice alone. They must be wise as serpents as well as harmless as doves, or their league will fall through. Hence such persons often play the part of hypocrites, and are frequently branded by the name of "turncoat." And, further, in order to obtain their particular ends such persons are often utterly regardless of the rights or wishes of others, whose interests clash with theirs. They will trample upon public and private rights and liberties with abso- lute indifference, so that their own particular hobby may be brought to the front. In the name of Liberty and Fraternity they will institute Slavery and Fratricide. They are like the Revolutionists of France, as they are described by Burke. "They seemed tame, and even caressing. They had nothing but douce humanite in their mouth. They could not bear the punishment of io ESSAYS. the mildest laws on the greatest criminals. The slightest severity of justice made their flesh creep. The very idea that war existed in the world disturbed their repose. Hardly would they hear of self-defence, which they re- duced within such bounds as to leave it no defence at all. All this while they meditated the confiscations and massacres we have seen. They (the Republicans) are ready to declare that they do not think two thou- sand years too long a period for the good that they pursue. It is remarkable that they never see any way to their projected good but by the road of some evil. Their imagination is not fatigued with the contem- plation of human suffering through the wild waste of centuries added to centuries of misery and desolation. Their humanity is at their horizon, and, like the horizon, it always flies before them." A French Socialist, one M. Ouin, very recently ex- pressed a wish "for a world where every one must be able to live, love, eat, drink, work, and amuse himself exactly when and how he liked." Alas for human nature ! Here are six things demanded, five of which there is little doubt could be readily performed, but it is to be feared the sixth, which is work, would be regarded as too great a privilege to be insisted upon. There is no difficulty, as a rule, in living, loving, eat- ing, drinking, or amusing oneself, especially at other people's expense; but too large an indulgence in these five virtues might make a man unwilling to avail him- self freely of the sixth, that is "work." There is a great deal of hypocrisy in some of the very fine aspirations for the benefit of our fellow creatures in which people now indulge. It is a very HYPOCRISY. 1 1 fine thing no doubt, but a very easy one, to talk in- flated rubbish from a cart, or to write it for the magazines; but it has often not much backbone in it. It is to be feared that the man who devotes himself to political life becomes daily less sincere ; and, if he rises to power, he is in great danger of becoming a chronic hypocrite. In the country of the wise Houyhnhnms, where Gulliver found himself, the grey horse wished to be informed by Gulliver what a chief minister of state was like, and Gulliver tells him : " I told him that a chief minister of state was a creature wholly exempt from Joy and Grief, Love and Hatred, Pity and Anger ; at least maketh use of no other passions but a violent desire of wealth, power, and titles ; that he applieth his words to all uses, except to the indication of his mind : that he never telleth a truth, but with an intent that you should take it for a lie ; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a truth : that those he speaketh worst of behind their backs are in the way to preferment ; and whenever he beginneth to praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn. The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especi- ally when it is confirmed with an oath ; after which, every wise man retireth and giveth over all hopes." As to candidates for seats in Parliament, their hypo- critical promises are proverbial. The lover in Maud suspects that even Maud may have been taught hypo- crisy by her brother, and he thinks he ought not to trust to her feigned interest in him. " What, if he had told her yestermorn How prettily, for his own sweet sake, 12 ESSAYS. A face of tenderness might be feigned, And a moist mirage in desert eyes, That so, when the rotten hustings shake In another month to his brazen lies, A wretched vote might be gained ! " Macaulay has described the hypocritical canvassers, who go to see the quiet country parson, and to solicit the favour of his vote and interest for the candidate. "True gentlemen, kind and well-bred, — No fleering, no distance, no scorn : — They asked after my wife, who is dead, And my children, who never were born ! " Lowell, too, has fairly drawn the political hypocrite : "In short, I firmly du believe In humbug generally, For it's a thing that I perceive To hev a solid vally. This heth my faithful shepherd been, — In pastures sweet heth led me ; And this'll keep the people green To feed as they hev fed me." But enough has been said of the political hypocrite. He is an uninteresting person, because you feel that he is the mere victim of circumstances. In his private life he may be a most sincere and honest man, but in his political life he is almost bound to be a hypocrite. Some politicians are more sincere than others ; but their very earnestness as to some things induces hy- pocrisy as to others. The absolutely honest politician is rare ; but " in a state where men are tempted still To evil, for a guard against worse ill, HYPOCRISY. 13 And what in quality or act is best Doth seldom on a right foundation rest, He labours good on good to fix, and owes To virtue every triumph that he knows." (3.) SOCIAL HYPOCRISY. The social hypocrite, or perhaps it should be written the social simulator and dissimulator, is an interesting study. He is everywhere to be seen ; we meet him at every turn. We are all of us hypocrites to some extent ; and, indeed, in this wicked world we are forced to become so. As Mrs. Gamp says, "We was born into a wale, and we must take the consequence of sich a sitivation." Perhaps the term "hypocrite" may be harsh, but no reason can be given for not using it in this sense. The Greek word vTroKpuna means "acting a part"; and whenever we are acting a part we are hypocrites. Sometimes we may do so from a good motive, sometimes from a bad one, but in either case we are untruthful. Dissimulation is the hiding of what really is, and simulation the pretending that something is which really is not. A certain amount of dissimulation is almost a necessity. We must in some degree disguise some part of what we are and what we think. I doubt if any man could dare to lay open the whole of what he is. Simulation is however a very different thing. There is generally no necessity to pretend to be something which we are not. There is even no necessity to pretend that we are worse than we are ; but to pretend that we are better than we are is hypocrisy of the worst sort ; it is simulation done with the object of gaining l 4 ESSAYS. some advantage to which we are not really entitled. This " acting a part" is, as I have said, generally displayed in pretending to be better, wiser, greater — more virtuous, in short, than we really are ; but there is often much hypocrisy in pretending to be more incapable or wicked in mind and body than we really are. The Rev. Mr. Egerton asked his Sunday School at Burwash in Sussex, "What is hypocrisy?" One sharp child said, " I know : it's a man who pretends to be lame, when he 'asn't got naught the matter wi' him." " Mary," in Thackeray's ballad was a most deceitful hypocrite of this sort. " ' Mrs. Roney ! Oh Mrs. Roney ! I feel very ill, Will you just step to the doctor's for to fetch me a pill.' ' That I will my pore Mary,' Mrs. Rowney, says she ; And she goes off to the doctor's as quickly as may be. " No sooner on this message Mrs. Roney was sped, Than hup gets wicked Mary, and jumps out of bed ; She hopens all the trunks without never a key — She bustes all the boxes and with them makes free." So prisoners before a magistrate will often weep and sigh, and appear ready to faint; but, upon sentence being given, they will break out into the loudest and foulest language. A poor woman was charged before me for being drunk and disorderly. Being asked what she had to say, she tearfully pleaded that she was very poor, and had nothing to eat ; and that a friend had given her something to drink. She was sure she would never do it again, if I would only forgive her this once. It turned out it was not a first offence, and I somewhat reluctantly said : " Five shillings or five days." Her tone at once changed. "Well, you're a nice sort of HYPOCRISY. !5 Mr. Horace Smith, you are — I did think better of you than that." The same class of hypocrisy is evinced when young ladies are asked to sing, and declare that they have quite a bad cough, and haven't practised lately — all which is quite untrue. This hypocrisy in pretending to be worse than we are is a sort of whim very much affected by young men. Older men in general know that they are bad enough without pretending to be worse. And yet some men will affect to be worse than they really are ; and persons of age and position will tell stories against themselves even at the risk of lessening the respect in which they are justly held. A learned judge told how, on the first occasion when he went to Cathedral Service at the Assizes, the chaplain preached rather a long sermon ; and, "just as it was coming to an end, he jibbed, and said something about the propagation of the Gospel. And then I saw a man with a bag on the end of a long white wand coming towards me. So I said to the High Sheriff, 'What shall you give'; and then he showed me a sovereign. I at once made up my mind to give a threepenny piece, because anyone who examined the bag would be sure to think the judge had given the sovereign, and the sheriff the threepenny bit." The self-depreciatory style is very often an indication of very deep-rooted conceit. I knew a young man once, who generally began his remarks by, " I may be a fool. I dare say I am, but what I say is," etc. No doubt some people use terms of self-depreciation in the hope that some one else may say, " Oh, don't say so, you are everything that is good and great." On 1 6 ESSAYS. the whole very few people are taken in by very apparent humility. It is only when there is not too much of it that we may be taken in by it. So it is with flattery, which is scarcely pleasing when it is laid on with a trowel. Flattery is one of the forms of hypocrisy ; and, when only amiable though false, is not altogether disagreeable ; but, when used for some sinister purpose, it is very objectionable. The self-depreciatory style is so prevalent that I shall find little difficulty in illustrating this part of my subject. My dear old law-coach, Tom Jones, was no hypo- crite, nor had he, I think, the virtue of humility. " My lords," he said one day, " I am sorry to say that my learned leader is unavoidably absent, and I am afraid that I shall scarcely be able to ." " Mr. Jones," said Chief Baron Kelly, interrupting, with that unearthly virtuous face of his, " I am sure no one would say that you were incompetent to conduct the case." " No, my lord ; no one would say so, except myse/f." When the new Royal Courts of Justice were to be opened by Her Majesty in person, the judges met to consider a dutiful address to be presented to the Queen. The Lord Chancellor read a draft report in which he said, " We are all painfully aware of our own de- ficiencies." " I can't stand that," said Jessel, the Master of the Rolls, " I haven't got any deficiencies to be aware of." There was some discussion as to how the phrase might be amended. " Don't you think, my Lord," said Lord-Justice Bowen, in his sweetest manner, " that it might run thus : ' We are all painfully aware of each other's deficiencies.'" HYPOCRISY. 17 This self-depreciation, if carried to any great length, or if used designedly for the attainment of some wicked or selfish end, becomes very loathsome. Sir Pertinax Macsycophant tells us in the Man of the World how he rose in life in spite of every obstacle : " I boo'd, and I boo'd, and I boo'd." Tennyson's Churchwarden tells the Curate : " If iver tha means to git 'igher, Tha mun tackle the sins of the Wo'ld, an' not the faults o' the Squire. An' I reckons tha'll light on a livin' somewheers i' the Wowd or the Fen, If tha cottons down to thy betters, and keeaps thysen to thysen. But niver not speak plain out, if thou wants to git forrards a bit ; But creeap along the hedge-bottoms, an' thou'll be a Bishop yit." It is the latest fashion to whitewash every scoundrel ; and it seems that Lord Chesterfield is the very newest saint. He was undoubtedly a great advocate of the suaviter in modo ; but to be at so much pains to teach hypocrisy seems to be, to say the least, unnecessary ; and certainly the two Philip Stanhopes derived little benefit from his teaching. This false humility is well pictured in Uriah Heap : " ' Oh, Master Copperfield, if you had only had the condescension to return my confidence when I poured out the fulness of my 'art. ... I know you'll excuse the precautions of affection, won't you? . . . I know you have never liked me as I have liked you ! ' " All this time he was squeezing my hand with his damp fishy fingers, while I made every effort to get it away. He drew it under the sleeve of his mulberry- B 1 8 ESSAYS. coloured great-coat, and I walked on almost by com- pulsion arm in arm with him. " ' There now,' said Uriah, looking flabby and lead- coloured in the moonlight, ' Father and me was both brought up at a Foundation School. They taught us all a deal of 'umbleness. . . . We was to be 'umble to this person and 'umble to that, and to pull off our caps here, and to make bows there, and always to know our place, and to abase ourselves before our betters. And we had such a lot of betters ! Father got the monitor medal by being 'umble. Be 'umble, Uriah, says father to me, and you'll get on. It was what was always being dinned into you and me at school ; it's what goes down best. Be 'umble, says father, and you'll do ! And really it ain't done bad. . . . When I was quite a boy I got to know what 'umbleness did, and 1 took to it. I ate 'umble pie with an appetite. I stopped at the 'umble point of my learning, and says I, Hold hard. When you offer to teach me Latin I know better. People like to be above you, says father; keep yourself down. I am very 'umble to the present moment, Mr. Copperfield, but I've got a little power.'" But while there is hypocrisy in pretending to be unworthy, and humble, and self-debased, there is also an opposite kind of hypocrisy, viz., that of pretending to be a blunt, honest fellow, who always speaks his mind. Mrs. Candour in the School for Scandal is the greatest scandal-monger of the whole tribe. One of these very candid persons once said, " I am the publican in the parable, not the Pharisee, thank God." Sometimes when the very humble man meets with the too candid man they are like flint and steel, and the HYPOCRISY. 19 sparks fly. Sir John Karslake (that most perfect speci- men of what a barrister should be, both to look at and to listen to), after he had been smitten with blind- ness, happened one day to meet a great man, who was sometime retired from public life. " How do you do?" said Sir John. "How do you do?" said the great man in a complaining tone, " I can't remember who you are. I remember you suffer from some affliction. I also suffer from a very severe affliction. I can't remember anything that I have ever done or said." " Oh," said Sir John, " I don't think that's much of an affliction in your case. There must be a good many things you have said and done that you don't care to remember." This was being somewhat too candid, and plain spoken. It is right to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but your candid friend is often a little de trop. It is not necessary to obtrude our truthfulness too much. A fond father of the Jewish persuasion attended a con- ference with Mr. Hawkins, to give him instructions to defend his son upon a charge of perjury in an affidavit. " I do ashure you, Mr. Hawkinsh, he'sh the mosht truth- ful young man in the world. His mosher and I have alwaysh inshisted upon his schpeaking the truth, Mr. Hawkinsh, ever sinche he wash a child. He'sh sho truthful that I ashure you, Mr. Hawkinsh, that shome- times he overshteps the limitsh of truth itshelf. He left the little word 'not' out of hish affidavid by inadver- tenshy." It may be safely said that it is never necessary to overstep the limits of truth itself; and I admit, rather reluctantly, that there are times when it is necessary to speak something less than the truth, just as there 2o . ESSAYS. are times when it is well to speak the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, in defiance of consequences. All outward manifestations of feeling should be as much as possible consistent with the inward emotion of the person exhibiting them, but rather below the sentiment than above it. "Gush" is a dreadful thing. Foreigners and some English ladies "gush" too much. Englishmen on the other hand are gauche and brusque in their endeavours to avoid " gush." I shall never forget the first time I saw two Frenchmen kiss one another and twice embrace in the view of a hundred strangers. Sympathy, real sympathy, what a divine quality ! False sympathy, how disgusting, but what a quantity there is of it ! " The intimacy between the young ladies sprang up, like Jack's bean stalk to the skies, in a single night. The large footmen were perpetually walking with little pink notes to Fairoaks. Miss Amory sent music, or Miss Amory sent a new novel, or a picture from the Journal des Modes to Laura, &c, &c. It appeared from her poems (entitled Mes Larmes) that the young creature had indeed suffered prodigiously. She was familiar with the idea of suicide. Death she repeatedly longed for. A faded rose inspired her with such grief that you would have thought she must die in pain of it. It was a wonder how a young creature should have suffered so much — should have found means of getting at such an ocean of despair and passion, and having embarked on it should survive it. What a talent she must have had for weeping to be able to pour out so many of Mes Larmes / They were not particularly briny Miss Blanche's tears, that is the truth ; but Pen, who read her verses, thought them HYPOCRISY. 21 very well for a lady— and wrote some verses himself for her. His were very violent and passionate, very hot, sweet, and strong ; and he not only wrote verses ; but— O, the villain ! O, the deceiver !— he altered and adapted former poems in his possession, and which had been composed for a certain Miss Emily Fotheringay, for the use and to the Christian name of Miss Blanche Amory." No doubt we all feel that it is only polite to affect some sympathy even where we do not feel it. There are certain expressions which can scarcely be avoided. <( How glad I am to have seen you ! " " How sorry I am you are going ! " This desire to appear sym- pathetic is constantly displayed. Upon meeting a friend, and thinking how ill he looks, we hasten to say that we never saw him look better, or younger. " What is the use," said the late Postmaster-General, Henry Fawcett, to me, "of saying when you meet a friend, 'It's a fine day.' He knows that as well as you. And what's the use of saying, ' How do you do ? ' You can see how he is doing, and what's more you don't care for the answer. I always say, 'What have you got for dinner?'" "'Nay I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near. ' 'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a tear), * Sure your Grace is strong and lusty and may live this fifty year.' ""Live this fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to suit ; 'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute ! Men have lived a thousand years, and sure His Majesty will do't. 22 ESSAYS. " ' Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Canan, Mahaleel, Methusela, Lived nine hundred years a-piece, and mayn't the King as well as they?' 'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, ' fervently, I trust he may.' iii He to die,' resumed the Bishop. 'He a mortal like to us J Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus; Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.'' Then, too, how frequently we say, " My dear madam, I am quite sure your son will get on in life " ; or, " no doubt your daughter will make a charming match," when you really feel pretty certain that young hopeful will come to the gallows ; and you are quite sure that nothing but a large fortune in prospect would suffice to attract any man towards the maiden. There is a great deal of sham sympathy displayed in elaborate funerals, — in all "the trappings and the suits of woe," — in the " kind inquiries " after a death has taken place, when perhaps we really think that the world is well rid of the dear departed. Society pretends to be deeply affected, and sends most ex- pensive wreaths as evidences of its sorrow on occasions where it is obvious that, even as a compliment, the expression of regret is misplaced. An old woman had been to a Benefit Club feast, and thus described the scene which she had witnessed. " Oh ! Ma'am, the procession were beautiful, and at the end of it all the widows that were upon the Club came along riding in a waggon : and the Club stewards had made a grave in the waggon, and had covered it with turf, and all the widows sat round it, making believe to weep, and they used their handkerchers as naytral as naytral." HYPOCRISY. 23 There is, however, one piece of hypocrisy of which we seem happily to be rid in these days. We no longer describe the virtues of the departed upon his or her tombstone. " When Hopkins dies a thousand lights attend The wretch, who, living, saved a candle's end, Should'ring God's altar a vile image stands, Belies his features, nay, extends his hands." It would be harsh to say that all tombstones tell lies, but it is doubtful if any tell the whole truth and nothing else. This desire to appear sympathetic affects us in many ways. Many good persons are never happy unless they are expressing their sympathy with some other person, or some class of persons, in such a manner as to make a stir and attract attention. This is hypo- crisy in so far as it is to be attributed to the desire to attract attention, although there may be some genuine sympathy mixed with the baser motive. We can be very sympathetic even to the worst criminals, when their crimes do not touch ourselves, or our interests. The vilest murderers seem to draw forth the public sympathy ; but if these sympathetic persons only realized that they were themselves in danger, their sympathy would rapidly cool. At the trial of certain peers for high treason in the cause of the Pretender, Horace Walpole said to one of the spectators, " I really feel for the prisoners." "Feel for them!" said the spectator, "Pray, sir, if they had succeeded, what would have become of all us I " We live in a philanthropic age. Philanthropy is of course a most excellent thing. We ought to love 24 ESSAYS. our neighbour, but also we are not to let our left hand know what our right hand doeth, and there is a little too much of show about our philanthropy. We say too much about it, and sometimes, I fear, we are not quite sincere. We gush too often. It does us good sometimes, I think, to be called to our senses on this subject. Sir Fitzjames Stephen somewhere has expressed himself to the following effect : " I like A, B and C well enough, but as far as I know my neighbours, I dislike them." " Why don't you love your country?" some one asked of Horace Walpole, who replied, " I should love my country exceedingly, if it were not for my country- men"; and in another letter he says, "You see, I don't throw my liking about the street." Some one said, "We are told to love our enemies, and I do so; but we are not told to like them." Much of this sympathy, although a sham, is an amiable weakness, and arises out of a very simple wish to be kind and polite ; but there is also a good deal of it which is mere humbug, and sometimes has a sinister object. When the benevolent gentlemen called upon old Scrouge to ask him to continue the subscription of the firm of Scrouge & Marley, they said, " We feel sure that the liberality of Mr. Marley is well represented by his surviving partner." It certainly was ! A very charitable lady was in the habit of sending an advertisement of her favourite institution to all the persons mentioned in the first column of the Times as having been presented with a child. She always enclosed a note, saying that she was sure the gentleman would wish to show his thankfulness HYPOCRISY. 2 5 to Providence for His late mercy vouchsafed to him. By mistake one day she copied a name out of the deaths instead of the births, and sent her letter to a man who had just lost his wife. Something akin to this false sympathy is that habit of mind whereby we let pass, or affect to approve of, opinions which we really condemn or despise. This is one of those points upon which it is most difficult to suggest any rule. It is difficult, as is said, " to draw the line." When is it incumbent upon a man to express dissent or disapproval ? One test would be, whether on the whole the objector thinks more good or harm would come of his interference. The occasions must be very rare, one would think, when it is necessary alto- gether to dissemble and to pretend to approve what we dislike. I suppose to avoid personal violence a man may dissemble, and no doubt with a lunatic or drunkard it is prudent sometimes to acquiesce in their views. But, as a rule of life and conduct, it is well to speak boldly ; for, if not, the false impression you create is pretty sure to return back upon you. Dr. Johnson said : " If a madman were to come into this room with a stick in his hand no doubt we should pity the state of his mind ; but our primary consideration would be to take care of ourselves. We should knock him down first, and pity him afterwards." There is a good deal of hypocrisy to be gone through by those persons who desire to belong, or to appear to belong, to a class above them. These hypocrites are overwhelmingly polite to those who are in a higher position ; and, if not quite amiable, they feel some difficulty in pretending to be civil to those 26 ESS A VS. beneath them. The efforts of some people to appear rich, when they are poor, — to pretend like Mrs. Boffin to be "high-flyers at the fashions," — are truly amusing. If I meet Mr. A in London in the month of August, he is not dressed in his usual frock coat but in plain fustian, and he anxiously assures me that he is " on the wing — a mere bird of passage." His mother and sister and he are, however, living in the back rooms of their house with shutters closed in all the rooms facing the street. Then there is the usual greengrocer who waits behind your host's chair, and the under- taker who hands round the wine, the gardener who puts on livery to drive the carriage, and the dinner which is served from the pastry cook's and will never be paid for. The father of the family, what a hypocrite he is, and how his family help him to be one ! What a sacred place his study is where he must on no account be disturbed, because his business is so important ! " After breakfast, on the morning of which we are writing, the archdeacon, as usual, retired to his study, intimating that he was going to be very busy, but that he would see Mr. Chadwick if he called. On entering this sacred room, he carefully opened the paper case on which he was wont to compose his favourite sermons, and spread on it a fair sheet of paper and one partly written on ; he then placed his inkstand, looked at his pen, and folded his blotting paper ; having done so, he got up again from his seat, stood with his back to the fire place, and yawned comfortably, stretching out vastly his huge arms, and opening his burly chest. He then walked across the room and locked the door ; and HYPOCRISY. 27 having so prepared himself, he threw himself into his easy chair, took from a secret drawer beneath his table a volume of Rabelais, and began to amuse himself with the witty mischief of Panurge ; and so passed the archdeacon's morning on that day. He was left undis- turbed at his studies for an hour or two, when a knock came to the door, and Mr. Chadwick was announced. Rabelais retired into the secret drawer, the easy chair seemed knowingly to betake itself off, and when the archdeacon quickly undid his bolt, he was discovered by the steward working, as usual, for that church of which he was so useful a pillar." Clearly the archdeacon had forgotten on that day that an archdeacon is a person who exercises archi- diaconal functions. Then, too, the lady of the house is so busy in the morning with her household affairs that she must not be disturbed. It may be so ; but perhaps the truth is that she cannot be made visible until after luncheon — until the ravages of time and dissipation have been repaired. Even after luncheon she is some- times "Not at home." Her hypocritical flunkey in the plush breeches is always palming off that monstrous lie upon his employer's poorer relations and friends. " Mr. Mantilini put the tips of his whiskers, and by degrees his head, through the half opened door, and cried in a soft voice : — " ' Is my life and soul there ? ' " ' No ! ' replied his wife. " ' How can it say so, when it is blooming in the front room like a little rose in a demnition flower pot ? ' urged Mantilini. ' May its poppet come in and talk ? ' 28 ESSAYS. " ' Certainly not,' replied Madame. ' You know I never allow you here. Go along.'" It may be said there is little harm in saying " Not at home," when in fact one is in the house, because the person addressed knows full well that the phrase is merely conventional, and not meant to be strictly interpreted; yet the servant who delivers the message thinks that his mistress has no objection to having lies told on her behalf, though she will not tell them her- self. A new judge having been just appointed, one of the judges broke out into a flood of objurgations. " Thank you, brother Blank," said a very great judge who was present, " I don't swear myself, but if you would not mind repeating over again what you have just said, I should be much obliged to you." This was swearing by deputy, and the telling of lies by deputy may be equally convenient, but it is not with- out some drawbacks. To stand by and hear a lie spoken, and not to contradict it, is much the same thing as to tell a lie oneself; and to allow a false impression to be made is very much the same thing as to make one. One well-known phase of hypocrisy is exhibited where we are intensely affected by some passion or emotion ; we disguise it by pretending to be actuated by another. We pretend that we are not angry at the outrageous insult we have received : we are only deeply grieved. We are not jealous of Miss Jones. Oh, no ! though, to be sure, she is a little stuck-up minx, yet we are only sorry for those who have to live with her. We pretend not to care about the good dinner at which we are set down, what we delight in is the con- HYPOCRISY. 29 versation or the music. What we admire in Scarboro' is the lovely bay, and not the scandal on the Spa. We pretend not to be the least annoyed when the ink- bottle is upset. We are mistress of ourselves though china fall. Little Tommy (drat him !) has smashed our favourite claret jug by his monkey tricks. Dear child, we are so sorry for him, he seems so contrite. A friend of mine, when anything used to vex him, would say : " Oh dear, oh d ! Oh dear, oh d ! Oh dear, oh d ! but principally d !" There is a depth of true pathos about that, which seems to come home to one's bosom. If any deflection from the truth is at all tolerable, it must be where some great right is to be gained by doing a little wrong. That sort of hypocrisy which arises simply from a desire not to offend the sensi- bility of others, or from mere goodness of heart and kindness (where there is no fear or favour) to do or say what we know will give pleasure, is surely, to say the least of it, a very mild form of hypocrisy, and may sometimes rise to a virtue. I think when the recording angel has to write down such a deflection from exact truth and candour, he must deal with that page of the book in the same fashion that he dealt with Uncle Toby's oath, by blotting it out for ever. Many persons, who cannot endure music, will sit for hours in a terrible state of nervous irritation, while their relations or friends are performing, and will actually declare that they are enjoying themselves. "Dear Charles is so kind and good to us," said two old ladies, "he reads to us every evening. It is a great pity (and a little trying at times) that we can't hear a 3