^LIBRARY I JNIV.ERSITY OF SAjNifclEGO COMPLETE WORKS OF CHARLES F. BROWNE, BETTER KNOWN AS "ARTEMUS WARD." BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. EDINBURGH AND LONDON THE COMPLETE WORKS OF CHARLES F. BROWNE BETTER KNOWN AS "ARTEM US/WARD" A NEW EDITION WITH PORTRAIT BY GEFLOWSKI FACSIMILE OF HANDWRITING, S>c. 3L0ntian CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 1887 CONTENTS. PORTRAIT OF CHARLES F. BROWNE (FROM BUST BY GEFLOWSKl) To face title. AKTEMUS WARD : HIS BOOK. PAGE INTRODUCTION, . . .27 ONE OF MB WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS, . . . .37 THE SKAKERS, . . . ' . . .38 HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA, ..... 45 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOUR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE, 45 AMONG THE SPIRITS, ......'. 48 ON THE WING, ....... 51 THE OCTOROON, . . . . , . .54 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR, .... . . 58 OBERLOT, . . . . . ... .59 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP, . . . . .61 THE CRISIS, . . . . . . . . 64 WAX FIGURES V. 8HAKSPEARE, . . . . .67 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS, . ... 69 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBUEG, . . . . .71 vi CONTENTS. PAt.E A VISIT TO BRIQHAM YOUNG, ...... 73 THE CENSUS, ........ 77 AN HONEST LIVING, ....... 78 THE PRESS, . . . . . . . .79 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO, . . . .80 THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES, . . .83 WOMAN'S RIGHTS, . . . . . . .84 WOULD-BE SEA DOGS, ...... 86 ON " FORTS," . . . . . . . .86 PICCOLOMINI, ........ 88 LITTLE PATH, ....... 90 MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE, . . .92 THE PRINCE OF WALES, . . . . . .96 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN, . . . . . .100 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD, . . . t .102 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN, . . . . . .106 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN, . . .. .109 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED, . . . . .113 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE, . . . . .118 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION, .... THE WAR FEVER IN BJV.LDINSVILLE, ... .126 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON, . . . .129 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER, . 134 BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED, . I 3 ? BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES, ... CONTENTS. vii PAGE TAVERN ACCOMMODATION, . . . . . .139 A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA, . . ..- . , . 139 AN AFFECTING POEM, . . .. - .. +' 140 " THE BABES IN THE WOOD," ... ... . . . 140 MORMON BILL OF FARE, ., .. .. . . , '. 144 MARION: A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL, . . . " ' . 145 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS, , . . . " : . ' . . . 147 SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF, . . . '', . . 150 TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD, ". 151 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS, , ' . - . , . 152 THE WIFE, .... . . . , . , . 156 A JUVENILE COMPOSITION : ON THE ELEPHANT, , . . 156 A POEM BY THE SAME, , ^ ... . .. 157 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE, ; . . . t ' . 157 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK (SOIREE), . . . .163 ARTEMUS WARD (HIS TRAVELS) AMONG THE MORMONS. INTRODUCTION, . . . . ... . 171 PART I. ON THE RAMPAGE. 1. ON THE STEAMER, . ^ . . . . 190 2. THE ISTHMUS, . . . . . . . 192 3. MEXICO, . . . . . . . . 196 * 1U CONTENTS. PAGE 4. CALIFORNIA, ....... 198 5. WASHOE, ......... 202 6. MR PEPPER, . . . .. . i . 206 7. HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE, . . . 206 8. TO REESE RIVER, . . . . , . 210 9. GREAT SALT LAKE CITY, . . . . . 213 10. THE MOUNTAIN FEVER, . . . . 215 11. " I AM HERE," ....... 217 12. BRIGHAM YOUNG, . . . . . . 219 13. A PIECE IS SPOKEN, ...... 223 14. THE BALL, ....... 224 15. PHELPS'S ALMANAC, ...... 225 16. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! ..... 226 17. VERY MUCH MARRIED, ...... 234 jg THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH, . . . .237 PART II. PERLITE LITTERATOOR. 1. A WAR MEETING, ...... 247 2. ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, . . . . 252 3. THINGS IN NEW YORK, ...... 255 4. IN CANADA, ....... 260 5. THE NOBLE RED MAN, ...... 264 6. THE SERENADE, ....... 265 7. A ROMANCE : WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT, . . 268 8. A ROMANCE : THE CONSCRIPT, ..... 269 CONTENTS. ix PiQK 9. A ROMANCE : ONLY A MECHANIC, . 273 10. BOSTON, ........ 274 11. A MORMON ROMANCE: REGINALD GLOVEBSON, .. . ,' 279 12. ARTEMDS WARD IN RICHMOND, . . . . . 284 13. ARTEMDS WARD TO THE PRINCE OP WALES, . . . 289 14. AFFAIRS ROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN, . , . . v . 294 15. AGRICULTURE, . . . . . . . 301 16. O'BOURCT'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE," 305 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. PRELIMINARY, .;'.;, . , , . .313 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS, . .: . 318 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON, . . , . . 324 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. INTRODUCTION BY T. W. ROBERTSON, . .' J . . 331 PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. KINGSTON, . . . . 337 THE LECTURE, . . . . ... 357 APPENDIX. " THE TIMES " NOTICE, .... . S89 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME, . . . . . 392 AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD, ..... 403 x CONTENTS. ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON, AND OTHER HUMOROUS PAPERS. PAOB INTRODUCTORY, . . . . : . '. ' . .407 1. ARRIVAL IN LONDON, . . . .. ." . . 409 2. PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS, . . . . .413 3. THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL, . .- . 417 4. AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE, ..... 422 5. IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB, ..... 427 6. THK TOWER OF LONDON, . . . . . . 432 7. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY, . . . . .436 8. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM, .... 441 9. PYROTECHNY, ....:.. 446 10. THE NEGRO QUESTION, ...... 452 11. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH, ..... 455 12. A FRAGMENT, ..... 457 ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. 1. RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE, . . .461 2. THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES, . . . . . 465 3. HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION, . 470 4. ROBERTO THE ROVER : A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE, . . 471 5. ABOUT EDITORS, ....... 475 6. EDITING, . . . . . . . .476 7. POPULARITY, . .... 473 CONTENTS. xi MM 8. A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IX THE WAT, . . . .479 9. OTHELLO, ....... 480 10. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND, .... 483 11. COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH, ..... 486 12. SPIRITS, ........ 488 13. MR BLOWHARD, . ...... 490 14. MARKET MORNING, ...... 491 15. WE SEE TWO WITCHES, ...... 493 16. FROM A HOMELY MAN, . ... 498 17. THE ELEPHANT, ... ... 500 18. BUSTS, . . . ... . . .502 19. HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD, . . . 503 20. ON AUTUMN, ....... 505 21. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING, . . . 506 22. HUNTING TROUBLE, ...... 507 23. DARK DOINGS, ....... 508 24. A HARD CASE, ....... 509 25. REPORTERS, ....... 510 26. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET, . . .511 27. THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR, . . . . .513 28. ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE MORMONS, REPORTED BY HIMSELF, OR SOMEBODY ELSE, . . . . . 5 1 ' 7^77"^ ^^/^^^ X' JLj . S r / * 'f / ^ ^ 4, S* ../// ARTEMUS WARD: HIS BOOK. AT THE DOOR OF THE TENT. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Show is about to commence. You could not well expect to go in without paying, but you may pay without going in. I can say no fairer than tliat. INTRODUCTION. MUCH of the quaintness observable in American humour has come down from the old Puritans, whose sober treat ment of comic things and comic treatment of sober matters give their talk a very different effect at the present time to what they intended. Old New England sermons abound in these incon sistencies ; and, instead of being dull reading, are often the lightest, although the preachers were totally unaware of the comic touches they were giving to their outpourings. I have read somewhere a story of a pious but strong blacksmith I think Mr Dickens knows something of the authorship who pummelled an unbeliever into a state of satisfactory conver sion, timing his blows to the most awakening revival tunes that he was master of. The tale is not overdrawn, and I feel satisfied the occurrence has happened somewhere in America at one time or another. Not many years since, there was a famous preacher of the old Puritan school in one of the New England States, who used to play such pranks in the pulpit as our Rowland Hill is said to have done, and as a contemporary now occasionally indulges in at the Tabernacle, only the Rev. Lorenzo Dow was the more daring performer of the three. On one occasion he took a text from Paul, " / can do all things." The preacher paused, took off his spectacles, laid them on the open Bible, and said, "No, Paul, you are mistaken for once ; I '11 bet you five dollars you can't, and stake the money." At the same time putting his hand into his pocket, he took out a five- 28 INTRODUCTION. dollar bill, laid it on the Bible, took up his spectacles again, and read, " Through Jesus Christ our Lord." " Ah, Paul ! " exclaimed Dow, snatching up the five-dollar bill, and return ing it to his pocket, " that 's a very different matter ; the bet's withdrawn." The best stories I ever heard were those of a travelling American Methodist, at a place called Council Hill, a few miles back from the Upper Mississippi. He used to draw the neighbourhood twice or three times a week to " class-meetings ;" but the great treat for the people were his comic tales and "experiences" as he termed them which he used to nar rate at the brick-store opposite, always crowded when Preacher Williams was in the way. He was a great man amongst the religious folk, and the most powerful revivalist in those parts ; the whole village, on one occasion, being closed to business for three days, the community in their best clothes, and all given up to the work of the Spirit, except two or three stub born old bar-room keepers at the other end of the place, who were loudly prayed for in the meeting-house day and night. Preacher Williams' great art in " fetching " the house was shedding tears, which usually brought up the handkerchiefs from the females and the sleeves of the men in sorrowing sympathy, with numerous amens from the deaf old people behind, who could only tell by the movement in handkerchiefs when it was their turn to begin ; but crying had become so common to him, that telling a story had much the same effect upon his eyes as a sermon, and the consequence was, he always had a bleared, weak-eyed look. Otherwise he was not a bad- looking man. Gossipers did say that he would have been a bishop long ago but for this fatal gift at story-telling, which made the less talented ministers very jealous of him. This mixing of sacred with secular matters, commenced by the Puritans, is now common in almost all American thought and expression. In a senator's speech, in a stump oration, in a newspaper article, a parallel drawn anywhere from Genesis INTRODUCTION. 29 to the Eevelations is considered not only fair but elegant. In their humorous poems, as we all know by the " Biglow Papers," such biblical references are common. Some journals in this country rather severely criticised Mr Lowell for this, to them, exhibition of bad taste ; but it may be doubted whether the Americans of the present day intend religious disrespect, any more than did the Puritan preachers of old. One thing is certain, that incongruity of ideas is carried to a much greater extent in American humour than it is in our own; and it is this mental exaggeration, this odd mixture of widely different thoughts, that distinguishes Yankee from English fun. Most countries have a great many floating metaphors and popular figures of speech, which are full of amusement to the foreigner. Our own streets have many such quaint expressions, and the language is continually being recruited from them. In Artemus Ward's book the recent popular fun of America has been gathered up, and we may see in it a great deal of that small talk, that " chaff" if we may so speak which crowds are always casting up for their amusement. The incongruity of ideas just mentioned as peculiar to America, is especially observable in Artemus Ward. He is a cunning old fellow, with plenty of low humour, but without any education ; yet from his address card we may see that he figures as newspaper correspondent as well as orator and states man. Of course the character is heightened for the sake of the fun ; but the portrait of Artemus, as given in " His Book," is not wholly caricature. In all parts of the United States many such odd personages may be met with. On the steam boats of the Western rivers, in the railway cars, in the back woods, the brothers and sisters of Mr Ward may be found. The country seems to delight in them, and it certainly never lacks any supply. Some years since, the best joker on the Mississippi was a " down east " man, who left his native state to mind a wood-pile in Tennessee. He lived by himself, and SO INTRODUCTION. I do not think there was any house nearer to him than twenty or thirty miles ; but he was as full of fun and news as if he got a good living by comic penny-a-lining in a big city. His log shanty was close by the wood-pile, and his sole protection from some rather ugly wild animals in those parts was an old rifle hung up over the door. He begged newspapers from all steamboats that stopped to " wood-up," and in general chaff was more than a match for the passengers and crew combined. Like many other Americans, he had been through the whole directory of trades by turns schoolmaster, storekeeper, nigger- driver (his last occupation), farmer, travelling dentist, and in the photographic line. He had one vanity, however dress. On Sundays he came forth far finer than did the other Robin son Crusoe on the first day of the week. A finely-plaited white shirt, black satin waistcoat (the delight of the fashion able West), and patent leather store boots, formed his usual attire on the Sabbath. I almost forgot to say that he had been a temperance man, doing good Fourth-of-July work when young, but latterly he had thought that a jug of whisky might be company for him, so he kept one, which was filled up from the boats as they passed. There was a strange old fellow, an early settler in Illinois, who gave a name to a tract of land in those parts. He was mild on all topics but one teetotalism. Any wayfarer might have bed and board for a night, but woe betide him if he objected to take a glass with his host. Old M had one stock lecture always on hand. It was dead against the men who pledged themselves adverse to inebriating liquors. " Teu thunk," said the lecturer, " that Gaud shude gev us sich luvin preufs as Ohiar whiskey, old rum, and the best Neuw York brandy, and them all -fired temprunce ranturs shude go agin Him and His wurks ded-set. Say, you meesly critturs, why doant yir rail agin the Maker for givin us four-wheeled wag- gins, state tickets, steam-threshers, and other things sleeghtly onsartin in the runnin ? Liquors is blessins, groserys is bless- INTRODUCTION. 31 ins, hand-saws is blessins, only we don't all go to-once and saw our fingurs off kerslap ! Do we ? Say, will yer ? " There was another odd personage in the immediate neigh bourhood, C. B. Denio, a whitewasher and stump speaker, also a lecturer. I don't suppose he ever had ten cents spent upon his early education, and he used to appear rather proud of being called off a ladder to address his " feller citerzens," with the sprinkles of whitewash still adhering to his face and clothes ; but he was what is known there as a powerful speaker, and soon after he was elected to the Legislature. At the present moment he is one of the principal officers of state in California. Characters of this kind are the idols of the American popu lar mind, and the supply quite keeps pace with the demand. An ungenerous traveller in the United States, remarking on the difference betwixt public taste and opinion there, as com pared with the feeling of the middle classes here, has said that a laudable desire to excel is the general characteristic of Americans, but that high moral competition was sadly inter fered with by another taste which had a latent existence in all classes of society, from the bishops downwards viz., to fight and drink whisky. The first mention that the writer remembers of Artemus was in Vanity Fair, a sort of New York Punch, where some very comic paragraphs appeared from time to time, giving us the sayings and opinions of " the showman," as he delighted in calling himself. These little sketches, dressed up in a burlesque orthography, and leaning on the broad Yankee dia lect, like Burns' songs on the Scotch, for an increase of effect, soon attracted very general attention, and were quoted in the newspapers far and wide. Like Major Jack Downing, whose "Letters" at one time were famous, but which latterly have been found not equal in humour to the requirements of the crowd, Artemus Ward soon became a distinct character in the popular mind, and on any public occasion his opinion is almost sure to go the round of the press. After a time Mr Ward's 32 INTRODUCTION. sayings were gathered up into a book, and a careful reprint of that, minus some sketches which have nothing to do with the " showman," is now before the reader. Artemus Ward is, as may have been surmised, a nom de plume. The real name of the author is Charles F. Brown ; and as his own biography affords a very fair example of the strange ups and downs incidental to American life, the following sketch from a New York paper will not be deemed out of place here: He was born away down east in the town of Waterford, Me., in 1836. When quite young he entered a printing-office, and in a short time was considered a first-rate type-sticker ; but getting tired of seeing the same old faces every day, he determined to start out on a travelling tour. He did so, and visited all the principal towns in New England, stopping at each place for a brief period, working at his trade. He finally settled down in Boston, where he worked with " stick and rule '' until his genius soared above the " case," and he was soon ensconced in the editorial chair, revel ling in the flowery paths of literature. Comic stories and comic essays were his " fortus," as a celebrated divine once remarked. His effusions were read far and wide, and gained for him in a short time a very enviable reputation. Boston proving too small for the development of his ambi tious ideas, he packed up his carpet-bag and steered for the West. On the shores of Lake Erie, and on the banks of the Ohio and Mississippi, he picked up that knowledge of Western life, and acquired that acute insight into the comic side of Western character, which have stood out so conspicu ously in his humorous sketches. In Toledo, Ohio, Mr Brown gained much credit as a writer. From Toledo he wended his steps to Cleveland, and took up his quarters in the editorial department of the Plaindealer. Up " to this p'int in his eventful life " he was known as plain Charles F. Brown, but as soon as he commenced operations in Cleveland he baptized himself " Artemus Ward." Assuming the management of his celebrated "wax figgers," his fame waxed higher and higher. Cleveland, like all other places that he had visited, became in its turn too small to hold him any longer, and he came to New York in the fall of 1860, and became enrolled among the corps editorial of Vanity Fair. His first attempt at lecturing was at Norwich, Conn., since which time he has been well known as a lecturer and comic author. His chief subjects are " The Babes in the Wood," "Sixty Minutes in Africa," "An Hour with President Lincoln," " Artemus Ward's Struggle with the Ghost," and " Life among the Mor mons." His lectures have been among the most popular of any delivered INTRODUCTION. 33 in this country. He has received from literary societies very high sums for lecturing, and we have also heard it reliably stated that, recognising the debt of gratitude he owes to his country, he has contributed nearly 5000 dollars to the Union cause, by lectures delivered within the past two years. On the 13th of October 1863, he sailed for California, preceded a month previous by Mr Kingston as business manager. He gave his first comic oration at Platt's Music Hall, San Francisco, November 13. The tickets were one dollar each, and the hall was filled to its utmost capacity. The receipts amounted to 1465 dollars. His subject was "The Babes in the Wood." His second oration was delivered November 17, at the same place, when the hall was not near large enough to hold the crowd. He then started on a tour through the country, appearing at Stockton, Marys- ville, and Sacramento. He repeated his " Babes in the Wood " at the Metropolitan Theatre, San Francisco, to a 900-dollar house. At a little town called Folsom, in a little mining theatre of rough boards, he had 150 dollars. The joke of the lecture did not seem to be very well understood, however, for in the midst of it the gentlemen with short pipes in tha orchestra stalls requested Artemus to favour them with a song, persisting in their call till he gave them a new version of " Billy Barlow ;" after which they treated him to "can oysters" and California wine. In Oro ville and Nevada City he lectured in a church. In Auburn he expatiated in a bil liard-saloon. At Jackson, the new theatre not being built, he appeared in the basement of the gaol for one night only. The murderers' cells opened into it all the way round, and by throwing open the iron doors the cells could be turned into private boxes. At San Jose" they illuminated the city with tar-barrels, which blazed in every thoroughfare on the night of hia arrival. At Santa Clara, the building not being large enough, the entire audience adjourned to the open air, while Artemus, supported by Kingston, his agent, holding two wax candles, " spoke his piece" beneath the canopy of the starry skies. While on his way to Salt Lake City he was captured by the Indians, who threatened to scalp him and carry him into captivity unless he danced the " Essence of Virginny." It was torture sufficient when miners out in California made him sing a comic song ; but the idea of dancing a nigger schottische was ten times worse. Brigham Young beiug " in with the Injuns," succeeded in having the showman restored to liberty and the Mormon women. The change, however, wasn't much better. After being caught by the Indians (and liberated), he in turn caught the typhoid fever, which was running loose in those parts, and it was given out that he was " sick unto death." On the 24th of February he lectured at Denver City. On the next evening he " spoka a piece " in Central City among the gold-miners admission one dollar. Most of the tickets were bought up by speculators, and. retailed by them at three, four, C 54 INTRODUCTION and five dollars each. Artemus and Kingston had a third capsize on tho Mimmit of the Rocky Mountains, at Bridger's Pass. The sleigh was broken, and they had to walk four miles through the snow at midnight. Both were attacked by a troop of hungry wotves, aud they had to beat back the beasts with revolvers. Returned to New York, April 3, 1864. On the 17th of October he opened Dodworth Hall with his representation on canvas of his travels in California and Salt Lake City. He opened to a very crowded auditory, and has continued up to the present writing to appear each night to the tlite. of the city. His speculation has thus far proved a great success. During the representation of the "picters" Artemus is on hand, and describes in his own happy style everything that is interesting to his auditors, and more too. He is exceedingly funny, and keeps his hearers in a continual roar of laughter from the moment lie first opens his mouth until the audience are dismissed for the night. In appearance Artemus Ward is tall, slender, and light-complexioued, with prominent features, fair hair, and very mirthful eyes. By the last accounts Artemus Ward was still lecturing in New York, but it is expected that he will shortly bring his engagements there to a close and visit this country. Many who have heard him assert that he will draw as large crowds here as in his own country, and that, for a time at least, he will take the late Albert Smith's place among us. Some of Artemus's advertisements are exceedingly comic, certainly different from anything of the kind that we see in our newspapers : ARTEMUS WARD! ARTEMUS WARD! IS AT HOME EVERY EVENING, AND ARTEMUS WARD RECEIVES CALLS AT DODWORTH HALL, 806 BROADWAY, where he has positively NO OBJECTIONS TO SEEING YOU. N.B. The Hall is bounded on the north-west by Broadway and the head of Eleventh Street, on the south-east by a yard, on the north-east by & vacant lot, and on the south-west by Grace Church. Artemus Ward as speaks at Dodworth Hall, and shows his Paintings the Evening of Every Day at 8 o'clock. Opening his Portals at 7J o'clock. Gates of Ticket Bureau thrown wide to the public from 9 till & SOfi Broadway, handy to Grace Church. INTRODUCTION. 35 A RTEMUS WARD RESPECTFULLY ANNOUNCES 1. That hia J\_ foot is once more on his native heath, and his name is Trooly Yours. 2. That his native heath at present is Dodworth Hall, No. 806 Broad way. 3. That Dodworth Hall is, in consequence, a historical spot, equal in interest to Tammany Hall, Mozart Hall, Oakey Hall, the City Hall, Gen. Hall, or any other Hall in town. 4. That nobody who has seen Artemus Ward's Pictures of the Mormons need ever go to the "City of the Saints," or anywhere else, and the money thus saved may be spent in buying overcoats and breaking the backbone of the rebellion. 5. That the said Pictures have already been seen and examined by many distinguished people, and among others by A. L n, J. G. B tt, H. G y, H. J. R d, W. C. B 1, F. W d, M. M e, A. O. H 11, H. B. W d, J. T. B y, S. C. M , Judge D y, Judge R 11, X. Y. Z., Gen. McC n, Gen. G 1, Gen. D x, Gen. S n, and the Gen. Public, all of whom agree that they are great Pictures, and that the entertainment ought to continue till this cruel war is over, in order that the soldiers may see it, and we may once more be a Happy Country. As every man has his price, A. Ward, not to be peculiar, begs to state that his price is Fifty Cents or One Dollar, according to circumstances. People of a Reserved turn generally pay One Dollar. Almost the first night of the performance in New York, William Cullen Bryant, the poet, attended the lecture, and he remarks in his Evening Post " Artemus has a style of his own, which no lecturer has yet discovered. He says so many funny things that the audience sometimes let a ' goak ' slip by un noticed, and then Artemus will pause for a moment, with a downcast expression, till a sudden guffaw tells him that some body has seen the point. His lecture, besides his rollicking fun, includes considerable valuable information, whieh is re lieved from the tedious elements usually existing in valuable information by the panoramic pictures with which it is illus trated. An excellent idea of social life in Great Salt Lake City is obtained from a visit to ' Yours trooly,' besides a good stock of jokes to pass off at the next dinner-party as original." The programme of " A. Ward " is quite a little comic album of itself, and includes the following " Eules of the House," which we trust all well-disposed persons in the audience will observe ; 36 INTRODUCTION. "' 1. Artemus Ward is compelled to charge 1 dollar for reserved seals, because oats, which two years ago cost 30 cents per bushel, now cost 1 dollar ; hay is also 1 dollar 75 cents per cwt., formerly 50 cents. " 2. Persons who think they will enjoy themselves more by leaving the hall early in the evening, are requested to do so with as little noise as possible. ' ' 3. Children in arms not admitted if the arms are loaded. " 4. Children under one year of age not admitted, unless accompanied by their parents or guardians. " 5. If any usher employed in the hall should assault the audience, he will be reprimanded. If the same conduct be frequently repeated, he will le discharged without a certificate of character. "6. Ladies and gentlemen will please report any negligence or dis obedience on the part of the Lecturer. " 7. Artemus Ward will not be responsible for any money, jewellery, or other valuables left with him to be returned in a week or so. "8. The Manager will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. " 9. If the audience do not leave the hall when this entertainment is over, they will be put out by the police." A few remarks concerning the phraseology in which the following papers are written, seem necessary in this English edition. The reader must be careful to distinguish betwixt what is dialect and what mere incorrect orthography. Where the spelling is simply burlesque or cacographic, but little diffi culty will be experienced in perusal ; where local or peculiar Americanisms occur, it is believed that the few foot-notes will explain the intention of the author. The intermixture of numerals with the text, as in " going 2 see him," or " going 4 2 see him," "be4" for "before," "sow4th" for "soforth," " slam'd the 4dor," " Ice " for " once," " 3ten" for "threaten," " 2 B or not 2 B," may be looked upon as mere pieces of eccentricity, a sort of rebus fun, or mayhap a notion on Mr Ward's part that it is the correct thing, and shows education to abbreviate one's speech. In this comic spelling, however, the improper use of the H is never made. The Americans pride themselves on their correctness in this particular. JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. PICCADILLY, W. January 30, 1865: ARTEMUS WARD: HIS BOOK. ONE OF MR WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. To THE EDITOR OF THE SIE, I'm movin along slowly along down lords your place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr Webster in the act of killin Dr Parkman,* besides several miscellany us moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by none. Now Mr Editor, scratch orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall hav my hanbills dun. at your offiss. Depend upon it. I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onpara- leld Show. We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your peple take their tods,t say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever * A murder committed in Boston a few years since, which occasioned a great sensation throughout the United States. t Vulgar shortening of toddy. " Let us take a tod " was formerly a common phrase. Recently, however, " To Kiss the Baby," and to "Smile" liav? taken its place. 38 THE SHAKERS. met, full of conwiviality, & the life an Sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you ? If you say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new born Babe. What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjecshun ! My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them ban- bills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin office. My perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, becawz I never saw a man whoos didn't. Respec tively yures, A. WARD. P.S. You scratch my back & He scratch your back. THE SHAKERS. THE Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met. I'd hearn tell of 'era and I 'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hats and long wastid coats ; but I'd never cum into immejit contack with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never seen 'em to my Show leastways, if they cum they was disgised in white* peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. But in the Spring of 18 , I got swampt in the exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers. I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's nest to my off boss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon reached the place. I knockt at the door, which it was opened unto me by a tall, slick-faced, olum lookin individooal, who turn'd out to be a Elder. " Mr Shaker," sed I, " you see before you a Babe in the Woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." * It is very common in the United States to talk of white people, even when no comparison with the negro race is intended. THE SHAKERS. 39 " Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, another Shaker bein sent to put my bosses and waggin under kiver. A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's bean pole stuck into a long meal-bag, cum in and axed me was I athurst and did I hunger ? to which I urbanely anserd " a few." She went orf and I endeverd to open a conversashun with the old man. "Elder, I spect?" sed I. " Yay," he sed. " Helth's good, I reckon?" -Yay." " What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans his biz- ness or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus?" " Yay." " Stormy night, sir." " Yay." " If the storm continners there '11 be a mess underfoot, hay? " "Yay." " It 's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot ?" "Yay." " If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins 1 " " Yay ! " I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I "d be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed : " You 're a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room. Jest then the female in the meal-bag stuck her hed into the room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler, and I sed if it was vittles she ment the weary travler was agreeable, and I follered her into the next room. 40 THE SHAKERS. I sot down to the table and the female in the meal-bag pored o it sum tea. She sed nothin, and for rive minutes the only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the female or bust. So sez I, " Marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm ?" " Yay." " The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect?" " Yay." " It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N.B. She was upards of 40 and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd tickil her.] "I don't like men !" she sed, very short. " Wall, I dunno," sez I, " they 're a rayther important part of the populashun. I don't scacely see how we could git along without 'em." "Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there was no men ! " " You '11 excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would work. It wouldn't be regler." " I 'm fraid of men ! " she sed. " That 's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger. Don't fret yourself on that pint." " Here we 're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and consekently we have no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't abooze their wives wives don't worrit their husbans. There 's no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker?" "No," sez I, "it ain't my stile." I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could THE SHAKERS. 41 carry comfortable, and, lean in back in my cheer, common st pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin me all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hed in at the door. " You're a man of sin !" he sed, and groaned and went away. Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in meal-bags like the old one I'd met previsly, and their shiny silky har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose female Josts wear; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charming enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to. They commenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter, and sez I, " My pretty dears, how air you ?" "We air well," they solumly sed. " Whar 's the old man 1" sed I, in a soft voice. " Of whom dost thow speak Brother Uriah 1" " I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." " He has retired." " Wall, my pretty dears," sez I, " let 's hav sum fun. Let's play Puss in the corner. What say?" " Air you a Shaker, sir ?" they axed. " Wall, my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I 'd jine 'em. As it is, I 'm a Shaker pro-temporary." They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, " My pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to a innersent kiss at partin ? " " Yay," thay sed, and I my'd. I went up stairs to bed. I spose I 'd bin snoozin half a hour 42 THE SHAKERS. when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in bed, leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except his night close, which flutterd in the breeze like a Seseshun flag. He sed, "You're a man of sin!" then groaned and went away. I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pretty little Shakeresses, mounted on my Californy Bar.* I thawt the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville, and that Betsy Jane cum o.ut and giv us a warm recepshun with a panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly by the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down stairs. Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I 'd met the night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to 1 Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, " My Shaker friends, I reckon you 'd better suspend the rules, and git marrid !" " You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female ; " he 's subjeck to fits, and hain't got no command over hisself when he 's into 'em." " Sartinly," sez I ; " I've bin took that way myself frequent." " You 're a man of sin !" sed the Elder. Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear away the dishes. " My pretty dears," sez I, " shall we yay agin 1" " Nay," they sed, and I nay'd. The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal-bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and * The South- Western prouunciation of Bear. THE SHAKERS. 43 the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile, and sed : " Hunky boy ! Go it, my gay and festiv cuss ! " " You 're a man of sin ! " he sed, continnerin his shuffle. The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers and all was ekal. They was the purest and seleckest peple on the yearth. Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all right. Shakers was all goin kerslap * to the Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they ; d git run over. The Shakers then danced and sang agin, and arter thay was threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, " What duz it siggerfy ? " " What ? " sez he. "Why this jumpin up and singin? This long-weskit biz- niss, and this anty-matrimony idee 1 My frends, you air neat and tidy. Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man buys a kag of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many shavins under a few layers of sass a little Game I 'm sorry to say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss. Your garding seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly I should raise a good mess of garding sass. You air honest in your dealins. You air quiet and don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But your * A variation of the Americanisms Keslosh, Kesouse i.e., the noise made by a body falling flat into the water. In the South and West a number of fanciful onomatopoetic words of this sort are used, in all of which the first syllable, which is unaccented, is subject to the same variety of spelling 44 THE SHAKERS. religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan she sum- times do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No children's prattle is ever hearn around your hearthstuns you air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits, and meal-bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yer- selves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves, fcalkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of. Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own axletree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence. It 's a unnatral, onreasonable and dismal life you 're leadin here. So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well Thank you kindly, one and all. " A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled wax works !" sed Uriah. " Hello, Uriah," sez I, " I 'd most forgot you. Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of your youth and beauty." And I resoomed my jerney. CELEBRA TION A T BALD INS VILLE. 45 HIGH-HANDED OUTEAGE AT UTICA. IN the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Utiky, a trooly grate sitty in the State of New York. The people gave me a cordual recepshun. The press was loud in her prases. 1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced fur to pound him as hard as he cood. " What under the son are you abowt 1 " cried I. Sez he, " What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur ? " & he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the hed. Sez I, " You egrejus ass, that air 's a wax figger a repre- sentashun of the false 'Postle." Sez he, " That's all very well fur you to say ; but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn site ! " with which observashun he kaved in Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson in the 3d degree. CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. BALDINSVILLE, Injianny, Sep the onct, 18&59. I was sum- mund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the Supervizers of Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that air town in reflferunse to sellebratin the compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph and axkin me to be Pressunt. Lockin UD mv Kanjrcroo and wax wurks in a 46 CELEBRA TION AT BA LDINS V1LLE. sekure stile, I took my departer for Baldinsville " my own, my nativ Ian," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the follerin night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware commensin. Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I for- git the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from the Staige with my umbreller and verlise.* The Tarvem was lit up with taller kandles all over, & a grate bon fire was burnin in frunt thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the sine post with the follerin wurds " Give us Liberty or Deth." Old Tompkinsis grosery f was illumernated with 5 tin lantuns and the follerin Transpirancy was in the winder " The Sub- Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank Itoad the 2 grate eventz of the 19th centerry may intestines strife never mar their grandjure." Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A American Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder also these wurds, viz " The Constitooshun must be Presarved." The Skool house was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with mottoes, amung which I notised the follerin " Trooth smashed to erth shall rize agin YOU CAN'T STOP HER." " The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Fled." " Prokras- tinashun is the theaf of Time." " Be virtoous & you will be Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of trubble shun the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by the skool master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige. " Baldinsville sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore previs bin felt between the Super- vizers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns. Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gerlorious event which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther by means of a * Valise, the small handy portmanteau so common with travellers in the United States. t Groggery, or bar for the sale of liquors. CELEBRA T10N A T BALDINSVILLE. 47 elccktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. QtJOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CATERLINY, PATENT NOSTRUM!" Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of expense. His little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat & wave it round in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Inster- toot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the god- dis of liberty, & sung " I see them on their windin way." Booteus 1, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. N. Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inder- pendunse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense she ever seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, " Cum into the house and go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you '11 be goin round half-ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till you get well." Sez the 'Squire, " Betsy, you little appresiate the importance of the event which I this night commemerate." Sez she, " Commemerate a cat's tail cum into the house this instant, you pesky old critter." " Betsy," sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, " retire." This made her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with a panfull of Bilin hot water which she thro wed all over the 'Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler & run into the house. Except this unpropishus circumstance all went as merry as a carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutch- insis offiss was likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of " Hutch- insis invigorater," was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper cfSss was also illu- 4? AMONG THE SPIRITS. mernated, and the follerin mottoes stuck out " The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which moves the world." " Vote Early." " Buckle on your Armer." " Now is the time to sub scribe/' " Franklin, Morse & Field." " Terms 1 dol. 50 cents a year liberal reducslmns to clubs." In short the villige of Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many peple thar befour in my born days. lie not attemp to describe the seens of that grate night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try to do it. I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my " Oatem cum dig the tates," as our skool master obsarves, in the buzzum of my famerly, & shall then resume the show bizniss, which Ive bin into twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) months. AMONG THE SPIRITS. MY naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new fangled idear about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the sperret bizniss excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs A. Ward to embark into the Sperret bizniss, but the atemt faled. 1 of the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear ob- sarve that Mrs Ward is a invalerble womun the partner of m y gy s & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye, & when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr & Mrs Ingomer in the Play, to whit 2 soles with but a single thawt 2 harts which beet as 1. My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock full includin all the old maids in the villige & the long hared AMONG I HE SPIRITS. 49 fellers a4sed. When I went in I was salootid with " Hear cums the benited man" " Hear cums the hory-heded unbe- leever" " Hear cums the skoffer at trooth," etsettery, etsettery. Sez I, " My frens, it 's troo I 'm hear, & now bring on your Sperrets." 1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck, & was movin on to a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had, and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. Sum men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at all. He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immateriel, and hens man was different from the Erth. The Erth, continnered the speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis of super human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized thoir- selves & turned into reglar sperretuellers. [This was ver- sifferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get along as pleasant as possible, I sung out " Bully * for you, old boy."] The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare was anbody in the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biz- niss, was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few periods. " Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present ] " sed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. Sez I, " William, how goze it, Old Sweetness ? " " Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide. That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other when he was in the flesh. * Fine, capital. American vulgarism, used in much the same sense a:- our slang expression crack as, " a bully horse," " a butty picture.- 1 ' D 50 AMONG THE SPIRITS. " Air you in the show bizniss, William ? " sed I. He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travel in with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus. He sed old Bun (meanin Mr Bunyan) stired up the animils & ground the organ while he tended door. Occa- shunally Mr Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus was doin middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Bidley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of hossmanship without saddul or bridal. Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the peple. Sez I, " William, my luvly frend, can you pay me that 13 dollars you owe me ?" He sed No with one of the most tre- menjis knox I ever experiunsed. The Sircle sed he had gone. " Air you gone, William ? " I axed. " Kayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjeck furder. I then called fur my farther. " How 's things, daddy ? " " Middlin, my son, middlin." "Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy ? " " Scacely." " Why not, my parient ? " " Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son. Bimeby you '11 lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt you into the show bizniss I told you to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low." He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut bizniss & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm. When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, " My frends I've bin into the show bizniss now goin on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, and them is my sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out n taken sick, he deppertised me to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me informashun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to go it blind. Sittin down by the road side, I drawd up the follerin list of questions, which I proposed to ax the peple I visited : Wat 's your age ? Whar was you born ? Air you marrid, and if so how do you like it ? How many children hav you, and do they resemble you or your nabers? Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how many ? Hav you a twin brother several years older than yourself ] How many parents hav you 1 Do you read Watt's Hims regler ? Do you use boughten* tobacker 1 Wat 's your fitin wate 1 Air you trubeld with biles ? How does your meresham culler ? State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic, or got the heaves It Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe you ? What 's the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl ? * i.e., that which has been bought. A very common word in the in terior of New England and New York. It is applied to articles purchased from the shops, to distinguish them from articles of home manufacture. Many farmers make their own sugar from the maple-tree, and their coffee from barley or rye. West India sugar or coffee is then called boughten sugar, &c. " This is a home-made carpet; that a boughten one," i.e., one bought at a shop. In the North of England, baker's bread is called bought bread. t Wind-troubles arising from a disordered stomach. A comncon Americanism. 78 AN HONEST LIVING. If 4 barrils of Emptins * pored onto a barn floor will kivei it, ho\v many plase can Dion Boureicault write in a year ? Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family ? How many chickins hav you, on foot and in the shell 1 Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in New York shootin galrys instid of pistols, and that it shoots furthest ? Was you ever at Niagry Falls ? Was you ever in the Penitentiary ? State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheeze, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, children's strainers, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, perfoomery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, Kf, PRINCE NAPOLEON. 131 "Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [N.B. This is Sarkassum.] I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down. " I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and harty." " I am quite well," he sed. " Air you well, sir ? " " Sound as a cuss ! " I answerd. He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation to onct. " How's Lewis ?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. Eugeny was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider ? did he cum home arly nites ? did he perfoom her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy 1* did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there wasn't any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend ] did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widders whose husbands was in Californy 1 to all of which questions the Prints perlitely replide, givin me to understan that the Emperor was behavin well. " I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble hig- ness and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man. I know he 's smart. He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he is deep he is grate. But onless he is good he'll come down with a crash one of these days, and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin. Bet yer life ! " " Air you a preacher, sir ? " he inquired, slitely sarkasticul. " No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I '11 show you a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's * The bitters sold in most American bar-rooms, frequently taken with raw spirits as a corrective. 132 INTERVIEW WITH THE " wild land " air painted upon men's shirt-bosums with tobacco- jooce ! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose 'em." He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy, not at all, and he was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family. " It's a grate family," sed I. " But they scooped the old man in." " How, sir ! " "Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at "Waterloo. He wanted to do too much, and he did it ! They scooped him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St Heleny ! There 's where the gratest milingtary man this world ever projuced pegged out. It was rather hard to con- sine such a man as him to St Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walking up and down the dreary beach in milingtary cloak drawn titely round him (see picter- books), but so it was. ' Hed of the Army ! ' Them was his larst words. So he had bin. He was grate ! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades ! " This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand. " Alexander the Grate was punkins," * I continnered, " but Napoleon was punkinser ! Alic. wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and then t^ok to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the flowing bole was too much for him. It ginerally is. He undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad joke on Alic ! " " Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, may I ask you how your own country is getting along 1 " sed Jerome, in a pleasant voice. "It's mixed," I sed. "But I think we shall cum out all right." * Some pumpkins, an American expression of praise or congratulation, urod in opposition to the eaually elegant phrase " small potatoes." PRINCE NAPOLEON. 133 " Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, could hav had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom," sed the Prints. " It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin expedition," sed I. " If he had bin a sensible man ne 'd hav put the money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, and left this magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who when they got hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't have seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in the hed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, after all. It would hav bin money in my pocket if he 'd staid to home. Chris, ment well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for America." We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst I riz to go. " I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the show bizness, let him come with me and I'll make a man of him. You find us sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next year and you '11 find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has lived too sumptuously of late his stummic becum foul, and he 's takin a slite emetic. That 's all. We 're gettin ready to strik a big blow and a sure one. When we do strike the fur will fly and secession will be in the hands of the undertaker, sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will ever awaken it ! Mind what I say. You 've heard the showman ! " Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk* * At the petty auctions a person is employed to bid on articles put up for sale, in order to raise their price. In America such a person is called a, Peter Funk ; probably from such a fictitious name having frequently been given when articles were bought in. In this country the whole tribe of seedy attendants at mock auctions are termed duffers. Sixty years ago they were called pvffert. 134 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. auctions of the East, and the proprietors of corner-lots in the West, I bid him farewell, and went away. There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and I thought I 'd jine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Con- gressor, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's father use to keep a little grosery store in our town, and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I was rushin up to shake hands with her when she turned on her heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooious manner, walked away from me very rapid. " Hallo, Sal," I hollered, " can't you measure me a quart of them best melasses ? I may want a codfish, also ! " I guess this reminded her of the little red store, and " the days of her happy childhood." But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much sweeter than Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and we Glode. I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks may have accidentally crept in. Never mind. Besides, I think it improves a komick paper to publish a goak once in a while. Yours Muchly, WARD (ARTEMUS). ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. [A short time since a letter appeared in a New York journal, professing to be from a brother of Artemus Ward. There were some persons who looked upon the communication as actually coming from Artemus's pen, and treated the fresh signature as a piece of humour on the part of the author; but in Mr Ward's "Letter from Richmond " he thus denounces the fictitious Olonzo: " Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol, I desire to eiiuply say that I hav seen a low and t-kurrilua noat in the papers from a ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. 135 certiu pursoti who singes hisself Olonzo Ward & sez he is my berruther.* I did once hav a berruther of that name, but I do iiot recugnise him now. To me he is wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How did he repay me for this kindness ? He basely undertook (one day while in a Backynalian mood on ruin & right in sight of the aujience in the tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his Beard fallin off his face, thus rooinin my prospecks in that town, & likewise incurrin the seris displeasure of the Press, which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelins of a intelligent public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognise him. I perfectly disgust him." The New York journal in question introduced Olonzo's letter with these remarks : "The following quaint letter, from a gentleman who professes to be the brother of the celebrated Artemus Ward, reached us the other day, l>y regular mail, and we give it because it embraces so much of the special kind of humour for which Artemus is so renowned. The whole family seems to be labouring under a very bad ' spell,' which is a disorder that in their case, however, seems to operate as disease does upon certain oysters, in producing a pearl where we might only expect putridity :" J SHECARGO, March 11, 1865. To THEE EDYTUR or THE SUNDAY TIMES, N.Y. 4 yeres ago, wile in indianopelers, injynia, I rote to Mr Prentiss, of the Looseville Jurnil,t regarding thee wareabouts of my berother, Artymus Ward, off hoom i have not heered sints he was a boi " And we romed the fields together," happe as a Mackeral in Kashmeer Sox. There was four off us berothers, all bois. Thee follerin is a pedagog off our family. Our parents, off which there was 2, consisted of our father and mother, namely, HANNER and ERYSIPELARS WARD. The latter (my father) * Two or three scamps in the United States have endeavoured to pass themselves off as brothers of Artemus Ward. He has no brothers living. t Mr Prentice, editor of the Louisville Journal, was one of tiie wittiest Bieu connected with the pru*o of the United States. 136 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. was given heavily to Plugg tobacker, of which he chawed incessantly, tho \gh Biled Bacon done rair was his best hold. He was a man that could not go long between drinks ; the kamil did not perdominate in him ; and Heving took him at the age of sicksty, after 2 dais cikness. The following is applicable to his case : " Oakum ! Oakum ! with me." S. Speare. After the old man's deth our mother was left with the 4 bois aforesaid, whizz, namely, i.e. : ERYSIPELARS (named after father) ; ARTYMIS (the Long Lost) ; EODNEY ; and Myself, OLONZO (named after olonzo of pizarronean celebrity). My eldest berother, Ery, went into the "Wool bizziness, while Rodney went out to Origgone territtery and M-barked into the Fur trade. Ery did poorly at the Wool and busted, but Rodney is still at the Fur coining money. Artymis, at the tender age of eleving, was suddenly misst from hoam. In this konnexshin I would remark an old stockin belongin to mother, containing fore dollers in Cilver and fifty too sents in Kopper, disappeered about the same time. There was a party of akrowbats, of dubble somerset proklivitys, in our naburhood a few dais preevis, and by many it was supposed Arty had been inviggled " To leve his ga and happi hoam Sands eyes, sands teeth brushes, Sands pale ale. The worrold is all a stage, The rest is lemon and vanilla." Jack spear. At all evinks I have never heern of him but once, i.e., when I rote to Mr Prentiss, who did not ancer mi letter, he being engaged in translatin a French letter sent him by Miss Soosap Monday, a noted goriller of the femail gander. Off her more hereafter ; but Ravenous on our mutton, as the French have it. I heerd that mi berother, A. Ward, had becum ritch, he having BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED. 137 been to Salt Lick Citty, among the Mormen and women (he was allus given to the latter, even from a child), and that moreover and above, he had got a sho of wacks figgers, and nevertheless was perfeckly decayed with money in which event I would remind him " I still live." Webb. And as his absents cost me many teers (I carried aul the water and chopt aul the wood for two yeres after his leving us), and as I am his ony curviving berother in poor suckem- stances (Ery being ritch and Rodney when last heard from was in a big contrack for furnishing phine-toothed kombs for the confederut army, with his hed quarters at Richmund), therefore I do think Arty might come and see me. He is ever welkome to mi poor but happi hoam. Owe, owe berother ! if this shood meat your i, think kindly off one who loves not wisely but too well ; but owe, owe deer Artymus ! do not try to shake me. OLONZO WARD. Deer berother, don't ! don't ! ! go back onto me. O. W. " Why do I weep 4 thee 1 " 0. W. BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED.* I NEVER attempted to re-Orgunize my wife but onct. I shall never attempt agin. I 'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be beTrayed inter drinkin several peple's healths; and wishin to maik 'em as R,o-Bust as posserble, I continner'd drinkiu thur healths until mi Own becum afflicktid. Consekens was, I presunted myself at Betty's bedside late at nite, with con- siderbul licker koncealed about my persun. * See Artemus Ward's Letter to the Prince of Wales on the occasion of his marriage, p. 1C3, ''Artemus Ward, His Travels among the Mormons." 138 ERICH AM YOUNG'S WIVES. I hed somehow gut perseschun of a hosswhip on my way hum, and rememberin some kranky observashuns of Mra Ward's in the mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voyce I said, " Betsy, you need re-Orgunizin ! I have cum, Betsy," I continnered, crackin the whip over the bed " I have cum to re-Orgunize yer ! Ha-ave you per-ayed to-night ? " I dreamed that nite that sumbody had layd a hosswhip over me sevril conseckootive times, and when I woke up I found she had. I haint drunk mich of anythin sence, and ef I ever have anuther re-Orgunizin job on hand I shall let it out. BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.* TRENDS AND FELLER PASSINGERS, I'm e'en a most tiard ov statin my convicshuns regarden them Mormoness plooralyties, which sits theirselves round Mister Yung's grate table when the dinner-bell booms merryly thruout the long and short ov this ere land. Heavy figgerin isn't my berth rite ; it's the nobil contem- plativ what's the pecoolar offshute of these massiv brane. " But how many wives has he ?" Wall, all A. W. nose abowt it is thet his luvly contemplativ wun day used up the MulteplyKashun tabul in kountin the long Stockins on a close line in Brigham's back yard and he soddingly had to leave, fer the site made him dizzy. It was too mutch for him. Yures abstractid, WARTEMUS DARD. * The circumstances connected with this little incident are narrated at length in Mr Ward's " Travels among the Mormons," recently published by Mr A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA. 139 TAVERN ACCOMMODATION. ARTEMUS WARD, narrates that travelling with his show out West, he one night put up at a tavern where all the beds had been previously bespoke. He finally got accommodation in the back yard under a hay- cart, and he says he would have got on very comfortably, but the unfeeling hired man came in the early morn, hitched a horse up, and drove off with the bed-clothes ! The covering was snatched away so suddenly, Artemus says, it gave him a bad " kold" and a very lively illustration of the sleeping accommodation in that part of the world. A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA. [A friend of Artemus Ward's sends the following, with the request that it may be included in the present edition.] THE solumncholies hev bin on-to A. W. now and agin, as it dus tu most ov the four-lorned human naturs in this Vayl of Tares. She's tickled me considerabull sumtims only it was the wrong wa. Most human naturs git tickled the wrong wa sumtims. She was heviest onter me the fust yeer I ever owned a Umbrellar. I was going on 18 yeer old then, and praid for rane as bad as any dride-up farmer. I wantid tu show that umBrellar I wantid tu mak sum persnul apeerents with that brellar I desirud Jim parker and Hiram Goss to witness the site I felt my berth Write was bowned up in that brellar I wantid to be a MAN ! I'd un-hook'd frum Betsy Jain fur a spell (confidenshal, leastways, I hadn't commenced cortin up to her rite down in ernest then) and kum evenin I went over to the Widder Blakes. I'd the umBrellar along, and opun'd it outside the 140 " THE BABES IN THE WOOD." door pretendin I couldn't klose it like, so that the dawter could hev a good Luke at my property. But it wuz no use ; the new Brellar didn't take, and Sally sed she thort I " needn't cum agin !" I hev bin many wheres, and seen sum few in this erthly Tavernknuckle. but ov all the solum hours I ever speeriunsed the 1 ockepied in going hum that partickler nite frum the Widders was the most solumm. I'd a mind to throw awa that Brellar more 'n onct as I went along. AN AFFECTING POEM. " POOR Jonathan Snow Away did go All on the ragen mane, With other males, All for to ketch wales, & nere come back agen. The wind bloo high, The billers tost, All hands were lost, And he was one, A spritely lad, Ni^h 21." "THE BABES IN THE WOOD." [The following amusing critique or report of Artemus Ward's favourite lecture, entitled " The Babes in the Wood," was written the day after its first delivery in San Francisco, California, by one of the contributors to the Golden Era. As an imitation of A. Ward's burlesque orthography it is somewhat overdone ; but it has, nevertheless, certain touches of humour which will amuse the English reader. Why the lecture is called " The Babes in the Wood" is not known, unless it is because they are WARDS. ED.] THE BABES IN THE WOOD." 141 NlTE befoar larst was an Erer in the annals of Sand Francisco j yis, an Erer ; I sa it, and I guess I know what a Erer is .' I gess I do ! It's something like this noosepaper, for instance ; something that's gut a big Injin onto it ; though the Big Injin Fryday Nite had his close on, which this moril Jernal's Injin hasn't, bein intended to represent that nobil read man of the forrist, of hoom the poet sweetly sings : " Low, the poor Injin ! hoose untootered mind Clothes him in frunt Butt leaves him bare behind ! " However, let that parse. I hearn thare was to be a show up to Mr Platt's Haul on the occashun allewded to ; so I took Maria An an' the children with the excepshun of the smollest wun, which, under the inflewence of tired Nachure's sweet restorer, Missis Winslow's Soothin Syrup, was rapped in barmy slumbers up to prayer- meetin ; and after havin excoosed myself to the pardner of my boosom, on the plee of havin swallered a boks of Bristol's Sugar-Coated Pills, I slipt out and went down to the Haul, thinkin I would have a little relaxation. Prubably Mariar An thought so too. (That are a double entender, but I didn't intend it.) Although I arrove quite airly, I found a few indi- vidooals I mean to sa I found but few who ware not already in the Haul. I would not on no account whatsumdever, no how you can fix it, deceeve nobody nor nothin', for I am a pieus man, and send my wife to church, and addhere to the trooth ; and yit, I ventoor to assurt, that I never in all my born dase beheld so menny fokes befoar stop, I er slitely I had a seat in the rear. It seemed as tho the hole populashun had turned out en massy to welcuin the gratist wit of his age. He is older than me. The curtin roze no, I do not desire to misrepresent fax there was no curtin I think thare should have bin ! The lectoor commenced at a few minutes past ate pre- 142 u THE BABES IN THE WOOD." cisely. The gay and gifted Artemus stepped to his place, and after acknowledging my presence by a polite bow, proceeded to define the platform on which he stood Oregon pine. The papers, with thare usuil fidelity to fax, had stated that the entertainment would consist only of a lectoor, & that the kangaroo & wax-figgers would not be introdooced " dooced queer," thinks I, and I soon discovered the telegram ; for Mr Ward used a number of figgers of speech. Thare ware also severeil animils thare, thare was, tho I don't know whether they belonged to him, as they was scat tered thro the ordgunce, and was boysterous to a degre yis, two degrese. Some of the funniest of the fundymentall principles of the lectoor escaped me rather I escaped them partly owin to the fokes squeeging in at the dore, and partly owin to a pretty but frail gurl way in all the way from 200 up to 250 Ibs. avoirdoopois, which sot herself rite onto my lap. Mr Ward statid that he would not give a fillosoffical lectoor nor an astronomical lectoor nor did he say what kind of lectoor he would give. The subjec was, however, the " Babes in the Wood." He has had the Babes in the Wood sum time. Mr Ward is not rich but is doin as well as could be expected. It is one of the lectoors you read about, you know here. Yis, I sa it's a great moril lectoor ; I sa it boldly, because I've heerd of it. The structoor of the lectoor was as they sa in architectoor of the compost like ordoor ; first a stratter of this, then a stratter of that ; that is to sa kinder mixed, you know. It was on the aneckdotale plan, and speakin of aneckdotes reminds me of a little story it is wun of Mr Ward's, by the way ; it will bare repitition it has, so far, stood it very well. It is of a young made, hoose name it was Mehitabull some of it, at least enuff for the present porpussus and of a nobil and galyunt lovyier, which his naim it was John Jones. This young man was a patrut, tho oppoged to corshun. The " THE BABES IN THE WOOD." 143 enrolin officer going his rounds was beheld by this young man wile yit he was afar off, the site was not a welcum wun to John, and it propelled him to seek proteckshun of his plited wun, in hoose hous he was at that critical moment. Time was preshus. What was too be dun 1 The enemy was now neer at hand. " Git under my hoops," sez Mehitabull. The heroick youth obade. After a pause the offisser hentered the manshun. " Is thare any men in this 'ere hous ?" sez he. " Not as I nose on," replied the damsell. " Then," sez the offisser, " I gess I '11 stop awhile myself." He stopped a our. After witch he stopped anuther our ; after witch he continuood to stop. During this time John Jones was garspin for breath. At last he felt he cood endoor it no longer, without ingoory to his helth. He put his hed out of his strong hold and sed to the amazed offisser, " I think the draft will doo me good I mean the draft of are." " You air in favor of the Proclamashun?" sed the offisser. " Yis, and of ventilation." The young man was not drafted, but he is still single single-ar to say. The abov is a correct report of the story as I heern it I only heern the naims, fansy has supplide the rest. P.S. I larfed all the wa home ; observin witch severil peple gave me the hole walk, evidently taking me for a hilarious loonatic. A. Ward will shortly lecshoor on Asstronmy, I heer, par- tickly upon the Konstlashun ov the Suthern Cross, which lit pertends he has found out to be a MULATTO. J44 MORMON BILL OF FARE. MORMON BILL OF FARE. BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HOUSES. BRIGHAM'S Wives live in these houses. They live well at Brigham's, the following being the usual BILL OF FARE. SOUPS, ETC. Matrimonial Stews (with pretty Pickles). FISH. Salt Lake Gudgeon. ROAST. Brigham's Lambs (Sauce piquante). Minced Heart (Mormon style). BROILED. Domestic Broils (Family style). ENTREES. Little Deers. COLD. Raw Dog (a la Injun). Tongue (lots of it). VEGETABLES. Cabbage-head, Some Pumpkins, P 226 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD i cepting the Tomb of the Capulets, the Tombs of New York, * or the Toombs of Georgia. Under the head of " Old Sayings," Mr P. publishes the fol lowing. There is a modesty about the last " saying " which will be pretty apt to strike the reader : " Tht> Lord does good and Satan evil, said Moses. Sun and moon, see me conquer, said Joshua. Virtue exalts a woman, said David. Fools and folly frolic, said Solomon. Judgments belong to God, said Isaiah. The path of the just is plain, said Jeremiah. The soul that sins dies, said Ezekiel. The wicked do wicked, said DanieL Ephraim fled and hid, said Hosea. The Gentiles war and waste, said Joel. The second reign is peace and plenty, said Amos. Zion is the house of the gods, said Obadiah. A fish saved me, said Jonah. Our Lion will be terrible, said Micah. Doctor, cure yourself, said the Saviour. Live to live again, said VV. W. Phelps." 16. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! TIME, Wednesday afternoon, February 10. The Overland stage, Mr William Glover on the box, stands before the veranda of the Salt Lake House. The genial Nat Stein is arranging the way-bill. Our baggage (the Overland passenger is only allowed twenty-five pounds) is being put aboard, and we are shaking hands, at a rate altogether furious, with Mor mon and Gentile. Among the former are Brothers Stenhouse, Caine, Clawson, and Townsend ; and among the latter are Harry Riccard, the big-hearted English mountaineer (though once he wore white kids and swallow-tails in Regent Street, * Th Newgate prison of New York is called The Tomls, from being Viuilt to resemble an Egyptian mausoleum. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 227 and in his boyhood went to school to Miss Edgeworth, the novelist), the daring explorer Rood, from Wisconsin ; the Eev. James McCormick, missionary, who distributes pasteboard tracts among the Bannock miners ; and the pleasing child of gore, Captain D. B. Stover, of the commissary department. We go away on wheels, but the deep snow compels us to substitute runners twelve miles out. There are four passengers of us. We pierce the Wahsatch mountains by Parley's Canon. A snowstorm overtakes us as the night thickens, and the wind shrieks like a brigade of strong-lunged maniacs. Never mind. We are well covered up our cigars are good. I have on deerskin pantaloons, a deerskin overcoat, a beaver cap and buffalo overshoes ; and so, as I tersely observed before, Never mind. Let us laugh the winds to scorn, brave boys ! But why is William Glover, driver, lying flat on his back by the road^ side; and why am I turning a handspring in the road; and why are the horses tearing wildly down the Wahsatch mountains ? It is because William Glover has been thrown from his seat, and the horses are running away. I see him fall off, and it occurs to me that I had better get out. In doing so, such ia the velocity of the sleigh, I turn a handspring. Far a-head I hear the runners clash with the rocks, and I see Dr Kingston's lantern (he always would have a lantern), bobbing about like the binnacle light of an oyster sloop, very loose in a chopping sea. Therefore I do not laugh the winds to scorn as much as I did, brave boys. William G. is not hurt, and together we trudge on after the runaways in the hope of overtaking them, which we do some two miles off. They are in a snowbank, and " nobody hurt." We are soon on the road again, all serene ; though I believe the Doctor did observe that such a thing could not have occurred under a monarchical form of government. We reach Weber station, thirty miles from Salt Lake City, and wildly situated at the foot of the Grand Echo Canon, at 228 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD t three o'clock the following morning. We remain over a Jay here with James Bromley, agent of the Overland stage line, and who is better known on the plains than Shakspeare is ; although Shakspeare has done a good deal for the stage. James Bromley has seen the Overland line grow up from its ponyicy; and as Fitz-Green Halleck happily observes, none know him but to like his style. He was intended for an agent. In his infancy he used to lisp the refrain ' ' I want to be an agent, And with the agents stand." I part with this kind-hearted gentleman, to whose industry and ability the Overland line owes much of its success, with sincere regret ; and I hope he will soon get rich enough to transplant his charming wife from the Desert to the " White settlements." Forward to Fort Bridger in an open sleigh. Night clear, cold, and moonlit. Driver Mr Samuel Smart. Through Echo Canon to Hanging Rock station. The snow is very deep, there is no path, and we literally shovel our way to Robert Pollock's station, which we achieve in the Course of Time. Mr P. gets up and kindles a fire, and a snowy nightcap and a pair of very bright black eyes beam upon us from the bed. That is Mrs Robert Pollock. The log cabin is a comfortable one. I make coffee in my French coffee-pot, and let loose some of the roast chickens in my basket. (Tired of fried bacon and saieratus bread the principal bill of fare at the stations we had supplied ourselves with chicken, boiled ham, onions, sausages, sea-bread, canned butter, cheese, honey, &c., &c., an example all Overland traders would do well to follow.) Mrs Pollock tells me where I can find cream for the coffee, and cups and saucers for the same, and appears so kind, that I regret our stay is so limited that we can't see more of her. On to Yellow Creek station. Then Needle Rock a desolate hut on the Desert, house and barn in one building. The station-keeper is a miserable, toothless wretch with shaggy HURRAH FOR THE ROAD t 229 yellow hair, but says he's going to get married. I think I see him. To Bear Eiver. A pleasant Mormon named Myers keeps this station, and he gives us a first-rate breakfast. Eobert Curtis takes the reins from Mr Smart here, and we get on to wheels again. Begin to see groups of trees a new sight to us. Pass Quaking Asp Springs and Muddy to Fort Bridger. Here are a group of white buildings, built round a plaza, across the middle of which runs a creek. There are a few hundred troops here under the command of Major Gallagher, a gallant officer and a gentleman, well worth knowing. "We stay here two days. We are on the road again, Sunday the 14th, with a driver of the highly floral name of Primrose. At seven the next morning we reach Green Kiver station, and enter Idaho terri tory. This is the Bitter Creek division of the Overland route, of which we had heard so many unfavourable stories. The division is really well managed by Mr Stewart, though the country through which it stretches is the most wretched I ever saw. The water is liquid alkali, and the roads are soft sand. The snow is gone now, and the dust is thick and blinding. So drearily, wearily we drag onward. We reach the summit of the Rocky Mountains at midnight on the 17th. The climate changes suddenly, and the cold is intense.* We resume runners, have a break-down, and are forced to walk four miles. I remember that one of the numerous reasons urged in favour of General Fremont's election to the Presidency in 1856, was his finding the pathy across the Rocky Mountains. Credit is certainly due that gallant explorer in this regard; but it occurred to me, as I wrung my frost-bitten hands on that dreadful night, that for me to deliberately go over that path in midwinter was a sufficient reason for my election to any * It was, as we afterwards ascertained, 35 below zero. 230 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD 1 lunatic asylum, by an overwhelming vote. Dr Kingston made a similar remark, and wondered if he should ever clink glasses with his friend Lord Palmerston again. Another sensation. Not comic this time. One of our pas sengers, a fair-haired German boy, whose sweet ways had quite won us all, sank on the snow, and said, " Let me sleep." We knew only too well what that meant, and tried hard to rouse him. It was in vain. " Let me sleep," he said. And so in the cold starlight he died. We took him up tenderly from the snow, and bore him to the sleigh that awaited us by the road side, some two miles away. The new moon was shining now, and the smile on the sweet white face told how painlessly the poor boy had died. No one knew him. He was from the Bannock mines, was ill clad, had no baggage or money, and his fare was paid to Denver. He had said that he was going back to Germany. That was all we knew. So at sunrise the next morning we buried him at the foot of the grand moun tains that are snow-covered and icy all the year round, far away from the Faderland, where, it may be, some poor mother is crying for her darling who will not come. We strike the North Platte on the 18th. The fare at the stations is daily improving, and we often have antelope steaks now. They tell us of eggs not far off, and we encourage (by a process not wholly unconnected with bottles) the drivers to keep their mules in motion. Antelopes by the thousand can be seen racing the plains from the coach windows. At Elk Mountain we encounter a religious driver, named Edward Whitney, who never swears at the mules. This has made him distinguished all over the plains. This pious driver tried to convert the Doctor, but I am mortified to say that his efforts were not crowned with success. Fort Halleck is a mile from Elk, and here are some troops of the Ohio llth regiment, under the command of Major Thomas L. Mackey. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 231 On the 20th we reach Kocky Thomas's justly celebrated station, at five in the morning, and have a breakfast of hashed black-tailed deer, antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, honey, eggs, coffee, tea, and cream. That was the squarest meal on the road except at Weber. Mr Thomas is a Baltimore " slosher," he informed me. I don't know what that is, but he is a good fellow, and gave us a breakfast fit for a lord, emperor, czar, count, &c. A better couldn't be found at Delmonico's or Parker's.* He pressed me to linger with him a few days and shoot bears. It was with several pangs that I declined the generous Baltimorean's invitation. To Virginia Dale. Weather clear and bright. Virginia Dale is a pretty spot, as it ought to be with such a pretty name ; but I treated with no little scorn the advice of a hunter I met there, who told me to give up " literatoor," form a matrimonial alliance with some squaws, and "settle down thar." Bannock on the brain ! That is what is the matter now. Wagon-load after wagon-load of emigrants, bound to the new Idaho gold regions, meet us every hour. Canvas-covered, and drawn forthe most part by fine large mules, they make apleasant panorama, as they stretch slowly over the plains and uplands. We strike the South Platte Sunday the 21st, and breakfast at Latham, a station of one-horse proportions. We are now in Colorado (" Pike's Peak"), and we diverge from the main route here, and visit the flourishing and beautiful city of Denver. Messrs Langrish & Dougherty, who have so long and so admirably catered to the amusement lovers of the Far West, kindly withdraw their dramatic corps for a night, and allow me to use their pretty little theatre. We go to the mountains from Denver, visiting the cele brated gold-mining towns of Black Hawk and Central City. I leave this queen of all the territories, quite firmly believing that its future is to be no less brilliant than its past has been. * Delmonico's is the most fashionable restaurant of New York, aud Parker's of Boston. 232 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! I bad almost forgotten to mention that on the way from Latham to Denver Dr Kingston and Dr Seaton (late a highly admired physician and surgeon in Kentucky, and now a pros perous gold-miner) had a learned discussion as to the formation of the membranes of the human stomach, in which they used words that were over a foot long by actual measurement. I never heard such splendid words in my life ; but such was their grandiloquent profundity, and their far-reaching lucidity, that I understood rather less about it when they had finished than I did when they commenced. Back to Latham again over a marshy road, and on to Nebraska by the main stage line. I met Col. Chivington, commander of the district of Colo rado, at Latham. Col. Chivington is a Methodist clergyman, and was once a presiding elder. A thoroughly earnest man, an eloquent preacher, a sincere believer in the war, he of course brings to his new position a great deal of enthusiasm. This, with his natural military tact, makes him an officer of rare ability ; and on more occasions than one he has led his troops against the enemy with resistless skill and gallantry. I take the liberty of calling the President's attention to the fact that this brave man ought to have long ago been a brigadier-general. There is, however, a little story about Col. Chivington that I must tell. It involves the use of a little blank profanity, but the story would be spoiled without it ; and, as in this case, " nothing was meant by it," no great harm can be done. I rarely stain my pages with even mild profanity. It is wicked in the first place, and not funny in the second. I ask the boon of being occasionally stupid ; but I could never see the fun of being impious. Col. Chivington vanquished the rebels with his brave Colo rado troops, in New Mexico last year, as most people know. At the commencement of the action, which was hotly con- HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 233 tested, a shell from the enemy exploded near him, tearing up the ground, and causing Captain Rogers to swear in an awful manner. " Captain Rogers," said the Colonel, " gentlemen do not swear on a solemn occasion like this. We may fall, but, falling in a glorious cause, let us die as Christians, not as rowdies, with oaths upon our lips. Captain Rogers, let us " Another shell, a sprightlier one than its predecessor, tears the earth fearfully in the immediate vicinity of Col. Chivington, filling his eyes with dirt, and knocking off his hat. " Why, G d^ their souls to h ," he roared, " they Ve put my eyes out as Captain Eogers would say I " But the Colonel's eyes were not seriously damaged, and he went in. Went in, only to come out victorious. We reach Julesherg, Colorado, the 1st of March. We are in the country of the Sioux Indians now, and encounter them by the hundred. A chief offers to sell me his daughter (a fair young Indian maiden) for six dollars and two quarts of whisky. I decline to trade. Meals which have hitherto been 1 dol. each are now 75 cents. Eggs appear on the table occasionally, and we hear of chickens farther on. Nine miles from here we enter Nebraska terri tory. Here is occasionally a fenced farm, and the ranches have bar-rooms. Buffalo skins and buffalo tongues are for sale at most of the stations. We reach South Platte on the 2d, and Fort Kearney on the 3d. The 7th Iowa Cavalry are here, under the command of Major Wood. At Cottonwood, a day's ride back, we had taken aboard Major O'Brien, com manding the troops there, and a very jovial warrior he is, too. Meals are now down to 50 cents, and a great deal better than when they were 1 dol. Kansas, 105 miles from Atchison. Atchison ! No traveller by sea ever longed to set his foot on shore as we longed to reach the end of our dreary coach ride over the wildest 234 VER Y MUCH MA RRIED. part of the whole continent. How we talked Atchison, and dreamed Atchison for the next fifty hours ! Atchison, I shall always love you. You were evidently mistaken, Atchison, when you told me that in case I " lectured " there, immense crowds would throng to the hall ; but you are very dear to me. Let me kiss you for your maternal parent ! We are passing through the reservation of the Otoe In dians, who long ago washed the war-paint from their faces, buried the tomahawk, and settled down into quiet, prosper ous farmers. We rattle leisurely into Atchison on a Sunday evening. Lights gleam in the windows of milk-white churches, and they tell us, far better than anything else could, that we are back to civilisation again. An overland journey in winter is a better thing to have done than to do. In the spring, however, when the grass is green on the great prairies, I fancy one might make the journey a pleasant one, with his own outfit and a few choice friends. 17. VERY MUCH MARRIED. ARE the Mormon women happy ? I give it up. I don't know. It is at Great Salt Lake City as it is in Boston. If I go out to tea at the Wilkinses in Boston, I am pretty sure to find Mr Wilkins all smiles and sunshine, or Mrs Wilkins all gentle ness and politeness. I am entertained delightfully, and after tea little Miss Wilkins shows me her photograph album, and plays the march from " Faust " on the piano for me. I go away highly pleased with my visit ; and yet the Wilkinses may fight like cats and dogs in private. I may no sooner have struck the sidewalk than Mr W. will be reaching for Mrs W.'s throat. VERY MUCH MARRIED. 235 Thus It is in the City of the Saints. Apparently, the Mor mon women are happy. I saw them at their best, of course at balls, tea-parties, and the like. They were like other women, as far as my observation extended. They were hooped, and furbelowed, and shod, and white- collared, and bejewelled ; and, like women all over the world, they were softer-eyed and kinder-hearted than men can ever hope to be. The Mormon girl is reared to believe that the plurality wife system (as it is delicately called here) is strictly right ; and in linking her destiny with a man who has twelve wives, she undoubtedly considers she is doing her duty. She loves the man, probably, for I think it is not true, as so many writers have stated, that girls are forced to marry whomsoever " the Church" may dictate. Some parents, no doubt, advise, con nive, threaten, and in aggravated cases, incarcerate here, as some parents have always done elsewhere, and always will do as long as petticoats continue to be an institution. How these dozen or twenty wives get along without heart burnings and hairpullings, I can't see. There are instances on record, you know, where a man don't live in a state of uninterrupted bliss with one wife. And to say that a man can possess twenty wives without having his special favourite or favourites, is to say that he is an angel in boots which is something I have never been introduced to. You never saw an angel with a beard, although you may have seen the Bearded Woman. The Mormon woman is early taught that man, being created in the image of the Saviour, is far more godly than she can ever be, and that for her to seek to monopolise his affections is a species of rank sin. So she shares his affections with five or six or twenty other women, as the case may be. A man must be amply able to support a number of wives before he can take them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many old chaps in Utah have young and blooming wives in their seraglios, and so many young men have only one. 236 VERY MUCH MARRIED. I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire family. He had originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane did not want to leave her widowed mother. The other three sisters were not in the matrimonial market for the same reason ; so this gallant man married the whole crowd, includ ing the girl's grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and had to be fed with a spoon. The family were in indigent circumstances, and they could not but congratulate themselves on securing a wealthy husband. It seemed to affect the grandmother deeply ; for the first words she said on reaching her new home were, " Now, thank God ! I shall have my gruel reg'lar ! " The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah ; and " they say/' that although he has been dead a good many years, he still keeps on marrying women by proxy. He "reveals" who shall act as his earthly agent in this matter, and the agent faithfully executes the defunct Prophet's commands. A few years ago I read about a couple being married by telegraph the young man was in Cincinnati, and the young woman was in New Hampshire. They did not see each other for a year afterwards. I don't see what fun there is in this sort of thing. I have somewhere stated that Brigham Young is said to have eighty wives. I hardly think he has so many. Mr Hyde, the backslider, says in his book that " Brigham always sleeps by himself, in a little chamber behind his office ;" and if he has eighty wives, I don't blame him. He must be bewildered. I know very well that if I had eighty wives of my bosom I should be confused, and shouldn't sleep any where. I undertook to count their long stockings on the clothes-line in his back-yard one day, and I used up the mul tiplication table in less than half an hour. It made me dizzy it did ! In this book I am writing chiefly of what I saw. I sav; THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. 237 plurality at its best, and I give it to you at its best. I have shown the silver lining of this great social cloud. That back of this silver lining the cloud must be thick and black, I feel quite sure. But to elaborately denounce, at this late day, a system we all know must be wildly wrong, would be simply to impeach the intelligence of the readers of this book. 18. THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. I HAVE not troubled the reader with extracts from Mormon documents. The Book of Mormon is ponderous, but gloomy, and at times incoherent ; and I will not, by any means, quote from that. But the Revelation of Joseph Smith in regard to the absorbing question of plurality or polygamy may be of sufficient interest to reproduce here. The reader has my full consent to form his own opinion of it : REVELATION GIVEN TO JOSEPH SMITH, NAUVOO, JULY 12, 1843. Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you, my servant Joseph, that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants, Abra ham, Isaac, and Jacob ; as also Moses, David, and Solomon, my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines : Behold ! and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter : therefore prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you ; for all those A\-ho have this law revealed unto them must obey the same ; for behold ! I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting cove nant, and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned ; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory ; for all who will have a blessing at my hands 238 THE REVELATION OF shall abide the law which was appointed for that blessing, and the conditions thereof, as was instituted from before the founda tions of the world ; and as pertaining to the new and ever lasting covenant, it was instituted for the fulness of my glory; and he that receiveth a fulness thereof, must and shall abide the law, or he shall be damned, saith the Lord God. And verily I say unto you, that the conditions of this law are these : All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made, and entered into, and sealed, by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, and that, too, most holy, by revela tion and commandment, through the medium of mine anointed, whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power (and I have appointed unto my servant Joseph to hold this power in the last days, and there is never but one on the earth at a time on whom this power and the keys of this priesthood are conferred), are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead. Behold ! mine house is a house of order, saith the Lord God, and not a house of confusion. Will I accept of an offering, saith the Lord, that is not made in my name ? Or will I receive at your hands that which I have not appointed 1 And will I appoint unto you, saith the Lord, except it be by law, even as I and my Father ordained unto you, before the world was 1 I am the Lord thy God, and I give unto you this com mandment, that no man shall come unto the Father but by me, or by my word, which is my law, saith the Lord ; and everything that is in the world, whether it be ordained of men, by thrones, or principalities, or powers, or things of name, whatsoever they may be, that are not by me, or by my word, saith the Lord, shall be throAvn down, and shall not remain after men are dead, neither in nor after the resurrection, saith the Lord your God ; for whatsoever things lemaineth are by JOSEPH SMITH. 239 me, and whatsoever things are not by me, shall be shaken and destroyed. Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me, nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world, and she with him, their cove nant and marriage is not of force when they are dead, and when they are out of the world ; therefore they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world ; therefore, when they are out of the world, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory ; for these angels did not abide my law, therefore they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately, and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity, and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God for ever and ever. And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife, and make a covenant with her for time and for all eternity, if that covenant is not by me or by my word, which is my law, and is not sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, through him whom I have anointed and appointed unto this power, then it is not valid, neither of force when they are out of the world, because they are not joined by me, saith the Lord, neither by my word ; when they are out of the world, it cannot be received there, because the angels and the gods are appointed there, by whom they cannot pass ; they cannot, therefore, inherit my glory, for my house is a house of order, saith the Lord God. And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood, and it shall be said unto them, Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection ; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection ; 240 THL REVELATION OF and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths, then shall it be written in the Lamb's Book of Life that he shall commit no murder, whereby to shed innocent blood ; and if ye abide in my cove nant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them in time and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world, and they shall pass by the angels and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a con tinuation of the seeds for ever and ever. Then shall they be gods, because they have no end ; there fore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue ; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them. Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law, ye cannot attain to this glory ; for strait is the gate, and narrow the way, that leadeth unto the exaltation and continuation of the lives, and few there be that find it, because ye receive me not in the world, neither do ye know me. But if ye receive me in the world, then shall ye know me, and shall receive your exaltation, that where I am, ye shall be also. This is eternal life, to know the only wise and true God, and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent. I am he. Eeceive ye, therefore, my law. Broad is the gate, and wide the way that leadeth to the death, and many there are that go in thereat, because they receive me not, neither do they abide in my law. Verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man marry a wife accord ing to my word, and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise according to mine appointment, and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they commit no murder, wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they JOSEPH SMITH. 241 shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their exaltation ; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and sKill be delivered unto the bufferings of Satan, unto the day of redemption, saith the Lord God. The blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, which shall not be forgiven in the world nor out of the world, is in that ye com mit murder, wherein ye shed innocent blood, and assent unto my death, after ye have received my new and everlasting covenant, saith the Lord God ; and he that abideth not this law can in no wise enter into my glory, but shall be damned, saith the Lord. I am the Lord thy God, and will give unto thee the law of my holy priesthood, as was ordained by me and my Father before the world was. Abraham received all things, whatso ever he received, by revelation and commandment, by my word, saith the Lord, and hath entered into his exaltation, and sitteth upon his throne. Abraham received promises concerning his seed, and of the fruit of his loins from whose loins ye are, viz., my servant Joseph which were to continue so long as they were in the world ; and as touching Abraham and his seed out of the world, they should continue ; both in the world and out of the world should they continue as innumerable as the stars ; or, if ye were to count the sand upon the sea-shore, ye could not number them. This promise is yours also, because ye are of Abraham, and the promise was made unto Abraham, and by this law are the continuation of the works of my Father, wherein he glorifieth himself. Go ye, therefore, and do the works of Abraham ; enter ye into my law, and ye shall be saved. But if ye enter not into my law, ye cannot receive the promises of my Father, which he made unto Abraham. God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abra ham to wife. And why did she do it 1 Because this was the law, and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. Was Abra- 242 THE RE VELA TION OF ham, therefore, under condemnation ? Verily, I say unto yen, Nay ; for the Lord commanded it. Abraham was commanded to offer his son Isaac ; nevertheless, it was written, Thou shalt not kill. Abraham, however, did not refuse, and it was ac counted unto him for righteousness. Abraham received concubines, and they bare him children, and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law ; as Isaac also, and Jacob, did none other things than tkat which they were commanded ; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their exalta tion, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones ; and are not angels, but are gods. David also received many wives and concubines, as also Solomon, and Moses my servant, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time, and in nothing did they sin, save in those things which they received not of me. David's wives and concubines were given unto him of me by the hand of Nathan my servant, and others of the prophets who had the keys of this power ; and in none of these things did he sin against me, save in the case of Uriah and his wife ; and, therefore, he hath fallen from his exaltation, and received his portion ; and he shall not inherit them out of the world, for I gave them unto another, saith the Lord. I am the Lord thy God, and I gave unto thee, my servant Joseph, by appointment, and restore all things; ask what ye will, and it shall be given unto you, according to my word ; and as ye have asked concerning adultery, verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man receiveth a wife in the new and everlasting covenant, and if she be with another man, and I have not appointed unto her by the holy anointing, she hath committed adultery, and shall be destroyed. If she be not in the new and everlasting covenant, and she be with another man, she has committed adultery ; and if her husband be with another woman, and he was under a vow, he hath broken his vow, and hath com- JOSEPH SMITH. 243 mitted adultery ; and if she hath not committed adultery, but, is innocent, and hath not broken her vow, and she knoweth it, and I reveal it unto you, my servant Joseph, then shall you have power, by the power of my holy priesthood, to take her, and give her unto him that hath not committed adultery, but hath been faithful ; for he shall be made ruler over many ; for I have conferred upon you the keys and power of the priest hood, wherein I restore all things, and make known unto you all things in due time. And verily, verily, I say unto you, that whatsoever you seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven ; and whatsoever you bind on earth, in my name and by my word, saith the Lord, it shall be eternally bound in the heavens ; and whosesoever sins you remit on earth, shall be remitted eternally in the heavens ; and whosesoever sins you retain on earth, shall be retained in heaven. And again, verily, I say, whomsoever you bless, I will bless ; and whomsoever you curse, I will curse, saith the Lord ; for I, the Lord, am thy God. And again, verily, I say unto you, my servant Joseph, that whatsoever you give on earth, and to whomsoever you give any one on earth, by my word and according to my law, it shall be visited with blessings and not cursings, and with my power, saith the Lord, and shall be without condemnation on earth and in heaven, for I am the Lord thy God, and will be with thee even unto the end of the world, and through all eternity ; for verily I seal upon you your exaltation, and pre pare a throne for you in the kingdom of my Father, with Abraham your father. Behold ! I have seen your sacrifices, and will forgive all your sins ; I have seen your sacrifices, in obed ience to that which I have told you ; go, therefore, and I make a way for your escape, as I accepted the offering of Abraham of his son Isaac. Verily, I say unto you, a commandment I give unto mine handmaid, Emma Smith, your wife, whom I have given unto you, that she stay herself, and partake of that which I com- 244 THE REVELATION OF manded you to offer unto her ; for I did it, saith the Lord, to prove you all, as I did Abraham, and that I might require an offering at your hand by covenant and sacrifice ; and let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me ; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God; for I am the Lord thy God, and ye shall obey my voice; and I give unto my servant Joseph, that he shall be made ruler over many things, for he hath been faithful over a few things, and from henceforth I will strengthen him. And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and cleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment, she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord, for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law : but if she will not abide this commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her, as he hath said ; and I will bless him, and multiply him, and give unto him an hundredfold in this world, of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and children, and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds. And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid forgive my servant Joseph his trespasses, and then shall she be forgiven her tres passes, wherein she hath trespassed against me ; and I, the Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her heart to rejoice. And again, I say, let not my servant Joseph put his pro perty out of his hands, lest an enemy come and destroy him for Satan seeketh to destroy for I am the Lord thy God, and he is my servant ; and behold ! and lo, I am with him, as I waa with Abraham thy father, even unto his exaltation and glory. Now, as touching the law of the priesthood, there are many things pertaining thereunto. Verily, if a man be called of my Father, as was Aaron, by mine own voice, and by the voice of him that sent me, and I have endowed him with the keys of JOSEPH SMITH. 245 the power of this priesthood, if he do anything in iny name, and according to my law, and by my word, he will not com mit sin, and I will justify him. Let no one, therefore, set on my servant Joseph, for I will justify him ; for he shall do the sacrifice which I require at his hands, for his transgressions, saith the Lord your God. And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood ; if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent ; and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified ; he cannot commit adultery, for they are given unto him ; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him, and to none else ; and if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they be long to him, and they are given unto him ; therefore is he justified. But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed ; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men ; for herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be glorified. And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God ; for I will destroy her ; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law. Therefore it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word ; and ehe then becomes the transgressor, and he is exempt irom the 246 THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law, when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife. And now, as pertaining to this law, verily, verily, I say unto you, I will reveal more unto you hereafter, therefore let this suffice for the present. Behold ! I am Alpha and Omega. AMTO, PART II. PERLITE LITTERATOOR. i._A WAR MEETING. Ouu complaint just now is war meetins. They Ve bin havia 'em bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic and nat'rally we caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out all over us. They 're better attended than the Eclipse was. I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they couldn't see it to home, and so they cum up to our place. I cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin the Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire. Our big meetin came off the other night, and our old friend of the Bugle was elected Cheerman. The Bugle- Horn of Liberty is one of Baldinsville's most eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well written, and the deaths and marriages are conducted with signal ability. The editor, Mr Slinkers, is a polish' d, skarcastic writer. Folks in these parts will not soon forgit how he used up the Eagle of Freedom, a family journal published at Snootville, near here. The controversy was about a plank road. " The road may be, 248 A WAR MEETING. as our contemporary says, a humbug ; but our aunt isn't bald- heded, and we haven't got a one-eyed sister Sal ! Wonder if the editor of the Eagle of Freedom sees it 1 " This used up the Eagle of Freedom feller, because his aunt's head does present a ekinn'd appearance, and his sister Sarah is very much one-eyed. For a genteel home thrust Mr Slinkers has few ekals. He is a man of great pluck likewise. He has a fierce nostril, and I bl'eve upon my soul, that if it wasn't absolootly necessary for him to remain here and announce in his paper, from week to week, that " our Gov'ment is about to take vigorous measures to put down the rebellion" I b'lieve, upon my soul, this illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier Gin'ral, and git his Bounty. I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin, when my daughter entered with a young man who was evijently from the city, and who wore long hair, and had a wild expres sion into his eye. In one hand he carried a portfolio, and his other paw claspt a bunch of small brushes. My daughter introduced him as Mr Sweibier, the distinguished landscape painter from Philadelphy. " He is a artist, papa. Here is one of his masterpieces a young mother gazin admirinly upon her first-born;" and my daughter showed me a really pretty picter, done in ile. " Is it not beautiful, papa? He throws so much soul into his work." " Does he ? does he 1 " said I ; " well, I reckon I 'd better mre him to whitewash our fence. It needs it. "What will you charge, sir," I continued, " to throw some soul into my fence?" My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter, takin the artist with her, and, from the emphatical manner in which the door slam'd, I concluded she was summut dis gusted at my remarks. She closed the door, I may say, in italics. I went into the closet, and larfed all alone by myself for over half an hour. I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve A WAR MEETING. 249 jars rattled like a cavalry officer's sword and things, which it aroused my Betsy, who came and opened the door pretty suddent. She seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly upon my bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of the closet, incidently obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she should be compelled, at her advanced stage of life, to open a assylum for sooperanooated idiots. My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce. No, not always. But to return to the war meetin. It was largely attended. The editor of the Bugle arose and got up, and said the fact could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war. " Human gore," said he, " is flowin. All able-bodied men should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I re peat it, sir, to the tented field." A voice " Why don't you go yourself, you old blowhard ? " " I am identified, young man, with an Arkymedian leaver which moves the world," said the editor, wiping his auburn brow with his left coat-tail: "I allude, young man, to the press. Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job print ing executed with neatness and despatch ! " And with this brilliant bust of elekance the editor introduced Mr J. Brutus Hinkins, who is sufferin from an attack of College in a naberin place. Mr Hinkins said Washington was not safe. Who can save our national capeetle ? "Dan Setchell,"* I said. "He can do it afternoons. Let him plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make faces at the hirelin foe, and they '11 skedaddle ! Old Setch can do it ! " " I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the editor of the Bugle " I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is adorned with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind lights up this warlike scene I call him to order." * A very popular comedian in the United State 250 A WAR MEETING. I will remark, in this connection, that the editor of the Bugh does my job printing. " You," said Mr Hinkins, " who live away from the busy haunts of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis. The busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis. We who live in the busy haunts of men that is to say, we dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men." " I really trust that the gent'l'man will not fail to say suthia about the busy haunts of men before he sits down," said L " I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr Hinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, " and I shall brook no interruption, if I am a Softmore." * " You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed, whereupon there was cries of " Order ! order ! " " I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the young man. " You might inlist as a liberty-pole," t said I in a silvery whisper. " But," he added, " I have a voice, and that voice is for war." The young mail then closed his speech with some strikin and original remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner. He was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man in deed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep pretty industriously. " I am willin to inlist for one," he said. " What 's your weight, parson ? " I asked. " A hundred and sixty pounds," he said. " Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of morphine, your dooty bein to stand in the hospitals arter a battle, and preach while the surgical operations is bein per formed ! Think how much you 'd save the Gov'ment in mor phine." * A Sophomore at one of the colleges. f" Every town and vilLige in the States has its " liberty -pole," 01 flag staff, on which to hoist the Stars and Stripes. A WAR MEETING. 251 He didn't seem to see it ; but he made a good speech, and the editor of the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin as follers : " Resolved, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now a war goin on ; and " Resolved, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathises with the secession movement, and that we hope the nine months' men " At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin guns, and led by Betsy Jane, who brandishd a loud and rattlin urnbereller, burst into the room. " Here," cried I, " are some nine-months' wimin ! " " Mrs Ward/' said the editor of the Bugle " Mrs Ward, and ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration ? " " It means," said that remarkable female, " that you men air makin fools of yourselves. You air willin to talk and urge others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars yourselves. War meetins is very nice in their way, but they don't keep Stonewall Jackson from comin over to Maryland and helpin himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want is more cider and less talk. We want you able-bodied men to stop speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's tail, and go to fi'tin ; otherwise you can stay at home and take keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the wars ! " " Gentl'men," said I, " that 's my wife ! Go in, old gal ! " and I throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters. " Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or wimin 1 " she cried. " With men ! with men ! " and our quoty was made up that very night. There is a great deal of gas about these war meetins. A war meetin, in fact, without gas, would be suthin like the play of Hamlet with tne part of Othello omitted. 252 ARTEMUS WARD'S Still believin that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well sot up * with as any young lady in distress could expect to be, I am, yours more'n anybody else's, A. WARD. 2. ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. NEW YORK, NEAR FIFTH AVENOO HOTEL, Org. Blct. Editer of Play Bill. DR SIR, Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum leadin incidents in my life so you can write my Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammattycally jerked and properly punktooated, vould be a addition to the chois literatoor of the day. To the yooth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how high a pinnyklc of fame a man can reach who commenst his career with a small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while scratchin hisself agin the center pole, causin in Eahway, N. J., a discriminatin mob to say humbugs would not go down in their village. The ox resoom'd agricul- tooral pursoots shortly afterwards. I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearin as the poor blind man myself. But the infamus cuss who I hired to lead me round towns in the day time to excite sim- pathy drank freely of spiritoous licker unbeknowns to me one day, & while under their inflooance he led me into the canal. I had to either tear the green bandige from my eyes or be drownded. I tho't I 'd restore my eyesight. In writin about these things, Mr Editer, kinder smooth 'em over. Speak of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us. * The phrase " well sot up " is used to express the marriage portion of R, bride. A UTOBIOGRAPHY. 253 My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to do too much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and among others one of Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock, would be poplar with eddycated peple, but unfortinitly I put a Brown linen duster and a U.S. Army regulation cap on him, which peple with classycal eddycations said it was a farce. This enterprise was onfortnit in other respecks. At a certin town I advertised a wax figger of the Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who was a Kailroad President, and a great person in them parts. But it appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named Gibbs in that town the previs season, which created a intense toomult, & the audience remarked " shame onto me," & other statements of the same similarness. I tried to mollify 'em. 1 told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but alars ! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer from a article in the Advertiser of that town, in which the Editer says, " Altho' time has silvered this man's hed with its frosts, he still brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his wax works unreliable.* We are glad that he has concluded to never revisit our town, altho', incredible as it may appear, the fellow really did contemplate so doing last summer, when, still true to the craven instincts of his black heart, he wrote the hireling knaves of the obscure journal across the street to know what they would charge for 400 small bills, to be done on yellow paper ! We shall recur to this matter again." I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss still exists agin me in that town. I will not speak of my once bein in straitend circumstances in a sertin town, and of my endeaverin to accoomulate welth by lettin myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads * Artemus Ward may not be quoted as an authority for the use of the word reliable, the proper etymology of which has recently formed matter for criticism. 254 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. adapted to the understandins of little children, accompanyin myself on a claironett which I forgot where I was one day, singin, instid of " Oh, how pleasant to be a little child," " Rip slap set 'em up again, Eight in the middle of a three-cent pie," * which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the claironett except making it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, and children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, where was their home and where was their Pa 1 and I said, Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by her side say very angryly, " Good heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these innocent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire igminyusly upon to a murderer's gallus ! " I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into Oblivyun. In your article, Mr Editer, please tell him what sort of a man I am. If you see fit to kriticise my Show, speak your mind freely. I do not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin cooriosities, any one of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission. I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter. I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I attracted a great deal of attention. The nabers would stand over my cradle for hours and say, " How bright that little face looks ! How much it nose ! " The young ladies would carry me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. It was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuff to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin now. I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never a Eailroad director in my life. * As I have mentioned in the Introduction, this popular western song is the original of the London " Slap bang ! here we are again." THINGS IN NEW YORK. 255 Altlio' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth in my small bills, I have been gradooally growin respectabler and respectabler ev'ry year. I luv my children, and never mistake another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of laudnum and lay down in the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars in my vest pockets. My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the world. I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may add that I am also bald-heded. I keep two cows. I liv in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that will make you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said, " You must go home now, Brother Billins, and erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass went home and built a reg'lar pulpit in his settin room. He had the jiners in his house over four days. I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers them in ! I keep a pig this year. I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter. If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry, please have me ingraved in a languishin attitood, leanin on a marble pillar, leavin my back hair as it is now. Trooly yours, ARTEMUS WARD. 3. THINGS IN NEW YORK. THE stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in varis parts of the United States of America, large yeller handbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but they troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show a show, 256 THINGS IN NEW YORK. let me here obsarve, that contains many livin wild animils, every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral. Them handbils is sculpt * in New York. & I annoolly repair here to git some more on um ; &, bein here, I tho't I'd issoo a Address to the public on matters and things. Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo unimpared, but I've got to git some new clothes. Many changes has taken place, even durin my short ab sence, & sum on um is Sollum to contempulate. The house in Varick Street,! where I used to Board, is bein torn down. That house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin into it, is " parsin away! parsin away! " But some of the timbers will be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at the low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin on continerly. In the New World it is war in the Old World Empires is totterin & Dysentaries is crumblin. These canes is cheap at a dollar. Sammy Booth, Duane Street, J sculps my hanbills, & he 's a artist. He studid in Rome State of New York. I 'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as they 're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty close, for they 're jest as apt to spel a word rong as anyhow. But I have time to look round sum & how do I find things ? I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, & what State do I find the country in ? Why, I don't know what State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it in the State of New Jersey. * " To sculp," is to engrave on wood or any other substance. f Artemus Ward lived in Varick Street, Canal Street, New York, while editor of Vanity fair; and the American phrase is "where I board," not " where I lodge." J A well-known printer for showmen in New York.^ It is the custom among the New Yorkers to ridicule the adjoining State of New Jersey. THINGS IN NEW YORK. 257 I find sum things that is cheerin, partic'ly the resolve on v the part of the wimin of America to stop wearin furrin goods. I never meddle with my wife's things. She may wear muslin from Greenland's icy mounting, and bombazeen from Injy's coral strands, if she wants to ; but I 'm glad to state that that superior woman has peeled off all her furrin clothes and jumpt into fabrics of domestic manufactur. But, says sum folks, if you stop importin things you stop the revenoo. That 's all right. We can stand it if the Eevenoo can. On the same principle young men should continer to get drunk on French brandy and to smoke their livers as dry as a corncob * with Cuby cigars, because 4-sooth if they don't, it will hurt the Revenoo ! This talk 'bout the Revenoo is of the bosh, boshy. One thing is tol'bly certin if we don't send gold out of the country we shall have the consolation of know ing that it is in the country. So I say great credit is doo the wimin for this patriotic move and to tell the trooth, the wimin genrally know what they 're 'bout. Of all the blessing they 're the soothinist. If there 'd never bin any wimin, where would my children be to-day 1 But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just as much needed, one of which is a genral and therrer curtain- ment of expenses all round. The fact is we air gettin ter'bly extravagant, & onless we paws in our mad career in less than two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin into a Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle, even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her head band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress centsibly like our forefathers, who know'd moren we do, if they warn't quite so honest ! (Suttle goaketh.) There air other cheerin signs. We don't, forinstuns, lack great Gen'raJs, and we certinly don't lack brave sojers but there 'a one thing I wish we did lack, and that is our present Congress. * " A corncob" is the husk of an ear of Indian corn after the edible portion has been removed. H 25 8 THINGS IN NEW YORK, I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such another pack of poppycock * gabblers as the present Congress of the United States of America. Gentlemen of the Senit & of the House, you Ve sot there and draw'd your pay and made summer- complaint speeches long enuff. The country at large, incloodin the undersined, is disgusted with you. Why don't you show us a statesman sumbody who can make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart right under the Great Public weskit 1 Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in the Emergency's head ? Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils go home ! At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other dey I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry is dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first-class corpse. Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house I once boarded in is essenshal to their happiness, should not delay about sendin the money right on for one. And now, with a genuine hurrar for the wimin who air goin to abandin furrin goods, and another for the patriotic everywheres, I '11 leave public matters and indulge in a little pleasant family-gossip. My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had bid adoo to earthly things, and was a angel playin on a golden harp. Hents my rival home was onexpected. It was 1 1 P.M. when I reached my homestid and knocked a healthy knock on the door thereof. A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder. (It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said : * " All poppycock ! " Anglict, all sound Und fury, signifying nothing. THINGS IN NEW YORK. 259 "Who is it?" " It is a Man ! " I answered, in a gruff vois. " I don't b'lieve it ! " she sed. " Then come down and search me," I replied. Then resumin my nat'ral voice, I said, " It is your own A. W., Betsy ! Sweet lady, wake ! Ever of thou ! " " Oh," she said, " it 's you, is it ? I thought I smelt soma thing." But the old girl was glad to see me. In the mormn I found that my family were entertainin a artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin some startlin waterfalls and mountins, and I morin suspected he had a han- kerin for my oldest dauter. " Mr Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter. " Glad to see you, sir !" I replied in a hospittle vois "glad to see you." " He is an artist, father," sed my child. " A whichist ?" " An artist. A painter." "And glazier?" I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier, sir?" My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it, I felt in a comikil mood. " It is a wonder to me, sir," said the artist, " considerin what a wide-spread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern managers don't secure you." " It 's a wonder to me^" said I to my wife, " that somebody don't secure him with a chain." After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends. The editor of the Bugle greeted me cordyully, and showed me the follerin article he 'd just written about the paper on the other side of the street : " We have recently put up in our office an entirely new sink, of unique construction with two holes through which the soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath. What a6o IN CANADA. will the hell-hounds of The Advertiser say to this? We shall continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly-increas ing business may -warrant. "Wonder whether a certain Editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on this com munity for a gold one 1 ?" " That," says the editor, " hits him whar he lives. That will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article ridicooling his sister, who 's got a cock-eye." A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says he '11 be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin on a barrel, & was indeed a Loathsum objeck. Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was rather lengthy. The editor of the Bugle, who was with me, said that prayei would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil. I don't think of nothin more to write about. So, " B'leeve me if all those endearing young charms," &c., &c. A. WARD. 4. IN CANADA. I'M at present existin under a monikal form of Gov'ment. In other words I'm travellin among the crowned heds of Canady. They ai'n't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air ex- ceedin good people. Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy, for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of July to their backs. Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am enable to perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but failed to succeed. Mrs Victoria, who is Queen of England, and has all the luxuries of the markets, incloodiu game in its season, don't IN CANADA. 261 bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as she's mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied with a lord, who 's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord for Canady has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our politi cians, some of 'em bein gifted and talented liars, no doubt. The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord Monk. I saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accom panied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those sort of things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't any better than mine. You '11 always notiss, by the way, that the higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he puts on. Hence Gin'ral Halleck walks the streets in plain citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regiment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, and drags a forty-pound sword after him. Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I under stand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The wages of sin is death. But this has nothing to do with Monk. One of Lord Monk's daughters rode with him on the field. She has golden hair, a kind good face, and wore a red hat. I should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit at Baldinsville. Come and bring your knittin, Miss Monk. Mrs Ward will do the fair thing by you. She makes the best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal. She wears the Belt. What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. I am not a Webster or a Seymour.* I am not a Washington or a Old Abe. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as Henry Ward Beecher. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin- House n Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should think so. * Governor Seymour was at the time this was written the popular Democratic governor of the State of New York. 262 IN CANADA. But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pretty scrumptious in their red and green close. Come with me, gentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted with the delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead any wheres in partic'ler, but everywheres in gin'ral. The city is bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein a trifle wuss nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and arches, and citadels, and things. It is said no foe could ever get into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see what they'd want to get in there for. Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The French and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. Jim Wolfe commanded the latters, and Jo Montcalm the formers. Both were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But Wolfe was too many measles for Montcalm, and the French was slew'd. Wolfe ind Montcalm was both killed. In arter years a common monyment was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, aided by a bully Earl named George Dalhousie, to these noble fellows. That was well done. Durin the Eevolutionary War B. Arnold* made his way, through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Que beck, which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the military line. It would have been better if B. Arnold's funeral had come off immediately on his arrival there. On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin, and ever since then there has been a great demand for the bones of the slew'd on that there occassion. But the real ginooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make a hansum thing by cartin the bones of hosses and sheep out there, and sellin 'em to intelligent American towerists. * Benedict Arnold, whom Americans always stigmatise as " the traitor Arnold." IN CANADA. 263 Takin a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays genius of a lorfty character. It reminded me of an inspired feet of my own. I used to exhibit a wax figure of Henry Wilkins, the Boy Murderer. Henry had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle Ephram, and walked off with the old man's money. Well, this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin it would make any particler difference, I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One night I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of Stone- ham, Maine. " This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to every troo American) to the stattoo, " this is a life-like wax figger of the notorious Henry Wilkins, who in the dead of night murdered his Uncle Ephram in cold blood. A sad warning to all uncles havin murderers for nephews. When a mere child this Henry Wilkins was compelled to go to the Sunday- school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told him to go home and bring one. He went, and returned with a comic song book. A depraved proceedin." "But," says a man in the audience, "when you was here before your wax figure represented Henry Wilkins as a boy. Now, Henry was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a full-grown man. How 's that 1 " " The figger has growd, sir it has growd," I said. I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him put in Fort Lafayette. I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but chock full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of mind, who air botherin their heads as to how they can spend their father's money, had better see Quebeck. Altogether I like Canady. Good people, and lots of pretty girls. I wouldn't mind comin over here to live in the capacity of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further, I 264 THE NOBLE RED MAN. could be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon ef liberty, etc. Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in a week. Let 's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if we can't, I'm in favour of the Union as it wasn't. But the Union anyhow. Gentlemen of the editorial corps, if you would be happy be virtoous ! I, who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. (Signed) "A. WARD." 5. THE NOBLE RED MAN. THE red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful person Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin that of orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss. At the time Chris, arrove on these shores (I allood to Chris. Columbus), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were innocent of secession, rum, drawpoker,* and sinfulness gin' rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or Associated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians, pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were un known among them. No savage in good standing would take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with a barrel of 'em. The female aboorygine never died of consump tion, because she didn't tie her waist up in whalebone things ; but in loose and flowin garments she bounded, with naked feet, over hills and plains like the wild and frisky antelope. It was a onlucky moment for us when Chris, sot his foot onto these ere shores. It would have been better for us of the * " Draw-pocker " is a game of cards very commonly played on the Mis sissippi steamers and elsewhere. THE SERENADE. 265 present day if the injins had given him a warm meal and sent him home ore the ragin billers. For the savages owned the country, and Columbus was a fillibuster. Cortez, Pizarro, and Walker were one-horse fillibusters Columbus was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large yaller dog under the waggin. I say, in view of the mess we are makin of things, it would have been better for us if Columbus had staid to home. It would have been better for the show bisniss. The circulation of Vanity Fair* would be larger, and the proprietors would all have boozum pins ! Yes, sir, and perhaps a ten-pin alley. By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin that the scalpin wretches who are in the injin bisniss at the pre sent day are of any account, or calculated to make home happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be murdered in the first degree, and if Popet will only stay in St Paul and not go near 'em himself, I reckon they will be. 6. THE SERENADE. THINGS in our town is workin. The canal boat Lucy Ann called in here the other day and reported all quiet on the Wabash. The Lucy Ann has adopted a new style of Bin- nakle light, in the shape of a red-headed girl, who sits up over the compass. It works well. The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Phila- delphy. Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Phila- delphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder- shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make a fortin. " It 's a novelty," I added, " and may startle 'em at fust, but they may conclood to adopt it." * At the time of writing, Artemus Ward was editor of this periodical It is long defunct. t General Pope, after his failure in Virginia, was sent to fight the Indians in the North- West. 266 THE SERENADE. As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with serenades, I concluded I 'd be surprised in the same way, so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they 'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a serenade. They said they 'd overwhelm me with a unexpected honour for seven dollars, which I excepted. I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand, bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin particler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly effort ; but, alars ! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singin, " Why do summer roses fade 1 " " Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times, " because it 's their biz ! Let 'em fade." " Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and let ting my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip " Betsy, on the night of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in white, and wave a lily-white handkercher. D 'ye hear ? " " If I appear," said that remarkable female, " I shall wave a lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be scalded. One bald-headed old fool will get his share." She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin. The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of " Ward ! Ward ! " I stept out onto the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole. The Band was also drunk. DrSchwazey, who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk so THE SERENADE. 267 much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were stag- gerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for it, and I com menced : " Feller Citizens, For this onexpected honor " Leader of the Band. Will you give us our money now, or wait till you git through ? " To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention. " for this onexpected honor, I thank you." Leader of the Band. But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we ; d play two choons." Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows : " I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true Americans, my heart swells " Dr Schivazey. So do I ! A voice. We all do ! " my heart swells " A voice. Three cheers for the swells. " We live," said I, " in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career ! " Dr Schwazey. I 'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career ! Will you join me, fellow citizens, in a glorious career? What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself ? " Dr Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk. You're disturbin the meetin." Dr S. Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that 's handy. Don't put yourself out on my account. At this pint the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just 263 A ROMANCE. WILLIAM BARKER. on the pint of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once. When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no more from me to-day. When this you see, remember me. 7. A ROMANCE. WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT. i. " No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social position." The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man of twenty-five. With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. II. Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the haughty old man. " What ! you here again J " angrily cried the old man. " Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker, " I am here, your daughter's equal and yours ! " The old man's lips curled with scorn. A derisive smile lit up his cold features ; when, casting violently upon the marble centre table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barker cried : " See ! Look on this wealth. And I Ve tenfold more ! Listen, old man ! You spurned me from your door. But I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing the Army of the with beef " A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT. 269 " Yes, yes ! " eagerly exclaimed the old man. " and I bought up aa the disabled cavalry horses I could find " " I see ! I see ! " cried the old man. " And good beef they make, too." " They do ! they do ! and the profits are immense." " I should say so ! " " And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand ! " "Boy, she is yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you been loyal ? " " To the core ! "cried William Barker. "And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, " are you in favour of a vigorous prosecution of the war?" " I am ! I am ! " " Then, boy, take her ! Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my children ! and whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the Government .'"* 8. A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT. [Which may bother the reader a little, unless he is familiar with the music of the day.] CHAPTER I. PHILANDER REED struggled with spool-thread + and tape in a dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the St Lawrence Eiver, State of New York. He Rallied Round the Flag, Boys,! and Hailed Columbia every time she passed that way. One day, * Aimed as this arrow (the whole chapter) was against the Shoddyites in the days of Shoddy, the reader can understand how the shaft went home. f It is a spool of cotton, not a reel, in the States. J Nearly all the phrases in this sketch are titles of American songs popular during the war. 270 A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT. a regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along, bringing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the South about the time Babylon was a-Fallin, and when it was apparent to all well-ordered minds that the Kingdom was Coming, accompanied by the Day of Jubiloo. Philander left his spool-thread and tape, rushed into the street, and by his Long-Tail Blue, said, " Let me kiss him for his Mother." Then, with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, "How is your High Daddy in the Morning ? " to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied, " That poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more ! But U. S. G. is the man for me, or Any Other Man." Then he Walked Kound. " And your Master," said Philander, " where is he ? " "Massa's in the cold, cold ground at least I hope so!" said the gay contraband. " March on, March on ! all hearts rejoice ! " cried the Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag on which, in times of Peace, my soul, Peace ! he had betted his money. " Yaw," said a German Bold Sojer Boy, " we don't-fights- mit-Segel as much as we did." The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to his mother's Cottage near the Banks of that Lone River, and rehearsed the stirring speech he was to make that night at a war meeting. " It 's just before the battle, Mother," he said, " and I want to say something that will encourage Grant." CHAPTER II. MABEL. Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker, was run over one day by a train of cars, though he needn't have been, for the kind-hearted engineer told him to Git Out of the Way. Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the millinery business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers, she A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT. art was Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing Machine. Philander Eeed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was Fondly Dreaming ; and she used to say, " Will you love me Then as Now?" to which he would answer that he would, and without the written consent of his parents. She sat in the parlour of the Cot where she was Born, one Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when Somebody came Knocking at the Door. It was Philander. Fond Embrace and things. Thrilling emotions. P. very pale, and shaky on the legs. Also, sweaty. " Where hast thou been ? " she said. " Hast been gathering shells from youth to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild 1 Why this tremors ? Why these Sadfulness 1 " " Mabeyuel ! " he cried, " Mabeyuel ! They 've Drafted me into the Army ! " An Orderly Seargeant now appears and says, " Come, Phil ander, let 's be a marching ; " and he tore her from his embrace (P.'s), and marched the conscript to the Examining Surgeon's office. Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than Brothers Fainting at the Door. CHAPTER III. THE CONSCRIPT. Philander Eeed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead- broken Reed, so he must either become one of the noble Band who are Coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand more, or skedaddle across the St Lawrence River to the Canada Line. As his opinions had recently undergone a radical change, he chose the latter course, and was soon Afloat, afloat, on the swift rolling tide. "Row, brothers, row," he cried, " the stream runs fast, the Seargeant is near, and the 'Zamina- tion 's past, and I 'm a able-bodied man." Landing, he at once imprinted a conservative kiss on the Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself, " Who will care for 272 A ROMANCE. THE CONSCRIPT. Mother now 1 But I propose to stick it out on this Line, if it takes all Summer." CHAPTER IV. THE MEETING. It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening, Beautiful Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky with those Neutral tints which have characterised all British skies ever since this War broke out. Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard stick, and perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade piece of calico ; when Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang from a small boat to his side. The meeting was too much. They divided a good square faint between them this time. At last Philander found his utterance, and said, " Do they think of me at Home, do they ever think of me 1 " " No," she replied, " but they do at the recruiting office." " Ha ! 'tis well." " Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, " come home and go to the war like a man ! I will take your place in the Dry Goods store. True, a musket is a little heavier than a yardstick, but isn't it a rather more manly weapon 1 " " I don't see it," was Philander's reply ; " besides, this war isn't conducted accordin to the Constitution and Union. When it is when it is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist as a Con valescent ! " " Then, sir," she said, with much American disgust in hei countenance " then, sir, farewell ! " " Farewell ! " he said, " and When this Cruel War is Over, pray that we may meet again ! " " Nary !" cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire, " nary ! None but the brave deserve the Sanitary Fair ! A man who will desert his country in its hour of trial would drop Faro checks* into the Contribution Box on Sunday. I hain't * The pieces of ivory used by gamblers in playing the game of faro. A ROMANCE. ONLY A MECHANIC. 273 Got time to tarry I hain't got time to stay ! but here 'a a gift at parting : a White Feather : wear it into your hat ! " and She was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream. Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young man, in a fit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods scissors, cut off four yards (good measure) of the Canada Line, and hanged Ir.mself on a Willow Tree. Eequiescat in Tape. His stick driftr-d to My Country 'tis of thee ! and may be seen, in connection with many others, on the stage of any New York theatre every n'ght. The Canadians won't have any Line pretty soon. The skedaddlers will steal it. Then the Canadians won't know whether they 're in the United States or not, in which case they may be drafWd. Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy. 9. A ROMANCE. ONLY A MECHANIC. IN a sumptuously furnished parlour in Fifth Avenue, New York, sat a proud and haughty belle. Her name was Isabel Sawtelle. Her father was a millionaire, and his ships, richly laden, ploughed many a sea. By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man, with a clear, beautiful eye, and a massive brow. " I must go," he said ; " the foreman will wonder at my absence." " The foreman ? " asked Isabel, in a tone of surprise. " Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work." " Foreman shop work! What ! do you work ? " " Ay, Miss Sawtelle! I am a cooper!" and his eyes flashed with honest pride. " What 's that 1 " she asked ; " it is something about barrels, isn't it ? " S 274 BOSTON. "It is ! " he said, with a flashing nostril. " And hogs heads." " Then go ! " she said, in a tone of disdain " go away!" " Ha ! " he cried, " you spurn me, then, because I am a mechanic. Well, be it so ! though the time will come, Isabel Sawtelle," he added and nothing could exceed his looks at this moment " when you will bitterly remember the cooper you now so cruelly cast of! Farewell/" Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aris tocrat, who recently died of delirium tremens. Her father failed, and is now a raving maniac, and wants to bite little children. All her brothers (except one) were sent to the peni tentiary for burglary, and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her by little George, her only son that has his free dom. Isabel's sister, Bianca, rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus, her husband having long since been hanged for murdering his own uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see that it is always best to marry a mechanic. io. BOSTON. A. W. TO HIS WIFE.* DEAR BETSY, I write you this from Boston, " the Modern Atkins," as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air. I'll giv you a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify the paragrafs under seprit headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the Washington corres- pongdents : COPPS' HILL. The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of * Though Artemus addresses this " to his wife," he was a bachelor when I parted from him four months ago, and, I believe, is so stilL This not* la for the benefit of the ladies. BOS TO ft. 275 Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Eeformers and sich, lies berrid. There is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts. But I do not weep for him. He's bin ded too lengthy. I aint goin to be absurd, like old Mr Skillins, in our naberhood, who is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection aay, and weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. He 's a nice Orphan, he is. BUNKER HILL. Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1776 a thrillin dramy was acted out over there, in which the " Warren Com bination"* played star parts. MR FANUEL. Old Mr Fanuel is ded, but his Hall t is still into full blarst. This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, my Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin the past few years, and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't help her any ; but the old gal's physicians now are men who understand their bisness, Major-generally speakin, and I think the day is near when she '11 be able to take her three meals a day, and sleep nights as comf 'bly as in the old time. THE COMMON. It is here, as ushil ; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins, is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit. * Mr "William Warren, the comedian, is the uncle of Mr Joseph Jeffer son, the actor, now in this country. He was travelling with a theatrical combination at the time of this article be-ing written. 1* Faneuil Hall, Boston, wherein the first revolutionary speeches wero made. The Bostonians delight in calling it the " Cradle of Liberty." 276 BOSTON. THE LEGISLATOR. The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em wear queer hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry on hat stores down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats is either ten years ahead of the prevalin stile, or ten years behind it jest as a intellectooal person sees fit to think about it. I had the pleasure of talkin with sevril members of the legislatur. I told 'em the Eye of 1000 ages was onto we American peple of to-day. They seemed deeply inpressed by the remark, and wantid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin ? * HARVARD COLLEGE. This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated in the Bar-room of Parker's, in School Street, f and has poopils from all over the country. I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes that he 's a Bowdoin Arab. he sed, nervously, "but mercy on us, don't be so noisy." " Ay, ay, my hearty ! But let me sing about how Jack Stokes lost his gal : ' The reason why he couldn't gain her, Was becoz he's drunken saler ! ' " That 's very good, indeed," said the Secky, " but this ia hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend." " Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, " and I don't care a cuss who goes to the legislator ! But I ax your pardon how 's things ? " " Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, " a copy of the Middletown Weekly Clarion of February the 15, containin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but I hardly credit it." " Air you well, Mr Secky," sed I. " Is your liver all right? How's your koff?" IN WASHINGTON. 327 " God bless me !" sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin wildly at me, " what do you mean 1 " " Oh nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a Eepublican form of gov'ment that a Cab nit offisser can pack up his trunk and go home whenever he 's sick. Sure nothin don't ail your liver ? " sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick. I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my umbreller, and told him I 'd have a check for it if he pleased. " That," sed he, " puts me in mind of a little story. There was a man out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's coffin out of the back winder for fear he would rub the paint off the doorway. Wall, about this time there was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton um breller." "Did it fit him well 1 ? Was it custom made? Was he. measured for it ? " " Measured for what ? " said Abe. " The umbreller 1 " " Wall, afi I was sayin," continnerd the President, treatin the interruption with apparent contempt, " this man sed he 'd known that there umbreller ever since it was a parasol. Ha, ha, ha ! " " Yes," sed I, larfin in a respectful manner, but what has this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took his wife's coffin out of the back winder 1 " " To be sure," said Abe " what was it 1 I must have got two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of another lit " "Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate you on your career, which has been a honest and a good one un- scared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of you each one of which is a little wuss than the other if possible ! "Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger merits all prase, but to keep his under-garmints on. E. Stan- 328 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON ton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't ill us keep his under-garmints from flyin up over his hed. I mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he don't look graceful at it." I took my departer. " Good bye, old sweetness ! " sed Abe, shakin me cordgully by the hand. " Adoo, my Prahayrie flower ! " I replied, and made my exit. " Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquised, as I walked down the street, "is putty good wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run the White House." " What you bowt, sah 1 What the debble you doin, sah 1 " It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me. There was a cullud procession before me which was escortin a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed agin his stummick in a rather strengthy manner. " Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, sah?" " Certainly not, by all means ! Procesh ! " And they went on. I 'm reconstructing my show. I 've bo't a collection of life- size wax figgers of our prominent Eevolutionary forefathers. I bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolu tionary forefather. Ever as always yours, A. WARD. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. THE Lecture on the Mormons was thus announced to the public of New York, when Artemus Ward first appeared at Dodworth Hall : The Festivities at Dodworth Hall will be commenced by the pianist, a gentleman who used to board in the same street with Gottschalk. The man who kept the boarding-house remembers it distinctly. The overture will consist of a medley of airs, including the touching new ballads " Dear Sister, is there any Pie in the house ?" " My Gentle Father, have you any Fine Cut about you ?" " Mother, is the Battle o'er and is it safe for me to come home from Canada?" And (by request of several families who haven't heard it) "Tramp, tramp, tramp, the Boys are Marching." While the enraptured ear drinks in the sweet music (we pay our pianist nine dollars a week, and "find him") the eye will be enchained by the magnificent green baize covering of the panorama. This green baize cost 40 cents a yard at Mr Stewart's store. It was bought in deference to the present popularity of " The Wearing of the Green." We shall keep up to the times if we spend the last dollar our friends have got. INTRODUCTION BY T. W. ROBERTSON. FEW tasks are more difficult or delicate than to write OH the subject of the works or character of a departed friend. The pen falters as the familiar face looks out of the paper. The mind is diverted from the thought of death as the memory recalls some happy epigram. It seems so strange that the hand that traced the jokes should be cold, that the tongue that trolled out the good things should be silent that the jokes and the good things should remain, and the man who made them should be gone for ever. The works of Charles Farrer Browne who was known to the world as " Artemus Ward " have run through so many editions, have met with such universal popularity, and have been so widely criticised, that it is needless to mention them here. So many biographies have been written of the gentle man who wrote in the character of the 'cute Yankee Showman, that it is unnecessary that I should touch upon his life, be longings, or adventures. Of " Artemus Ward " I know just as much as the rest of the world. I prefer, therefore, to speak of Charles Farrer Browne, as I knew him, and, in doing so, I can promise those friends who also knew him and esteemed him, that as I consider no " public " man so public, that some portion of his work, pleasures, occupations, and habits may not 332 INTRODUCTION be considered private, I shall only mention how kind and noble- minded was the man of whom I write, without dragging for ward special and particular acts in proof of my words, as if the goodness of his mind and character needed the certificate of facts. I first saw Charles Browne at a literary club ; he had only been a few hours in London, and he seemed highly pleased and excited at finding himself in the old city to which his thoughts had so often wandered. Browne was an intensely sympa thetic man. His brain and feelings were as a " lens," and he received impressions immediately. No man could see him without liking him at once. His manner was straightforward and genial, and had in it the dignity of a gentleman, tempered, as it were, by the fun of the humorist. When you heard him talk you wanted to make much of him, not because he was " Artemus Ward," but because he was himself, for no one less resembled " Artemus Ward " than his author and creator, Charles Farrer Browne. But a few weeks ago it was remarked to me that authors were a disappointing race to know, and I agreed with the remark, and I remember a lady once said to me that the personal appearance of poets seldom " came up " to their works. To this I replied that, after all, poets were but men, and that it was as unreasonable to expect that the late Sir Walter Scott could at all resemble a Gathering of the Clans as that the late Lord Macaulay should appear anything like the Committal of the Seven Bishops to the Tower. I told the lady that she was unfair to eminent men if she hoped that celebrated engineers would look like tubular bridges, or that Sir Edwin Landseer would remind her of a " Midsummer Night's Dream." I mention this because, of all men in the world, my friend Charles Browne was the least like a showman of any man I ever encountered. I can remember the odd halt- disappointed look of some of the visitors to the Egyptian Hall when " Artemus " stepped upon the platform. At first they thought that he was a gentleman who appeared to BY T, W. ROBERTSON. 333 apologise for the absence of the showman. They had pic tured to themselves a coarse old man, with a damp eye and a puckered mouth, one eyebrow elevated an inch above the other to express shrewdness and knowledge of the world a man clad in velveteen and braid, with a heavy watch-chain, large rings, and horny hands, the touter to a wax-work show, with a hoarse voice, and over familiar manner. The slim gentleman in evening dress, polished manners, and gentle voice, with a tone of good breeding that hovered between deference and jocosity ; the owner of those thin those much too thin white hands could not be the man who spelt joke with a " g." Folks who came to laugh, began to fear that they should remain to be instructed, until the gentlemanly disappointer began to speak, then they recovered their real "Artemus," Betsy Jane, wax-figgers, and all. Will patriotic Americans forgive me if I say that Charles Browne loved England dearly ? He had been in London but a few days when he paid a visit to the Tower. He knew English history better than most Englishmen ; and the Tower of London was to him the history of England em balmed in stone and mortar. No man had more reverence in his nature ; and at the Tower he saw that what he had read was real. There were the beef-eaters ; there had been Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh, and Lady Jane Grey, and Shakspere's murdered princes, and their brave, cruel uncle. There was the block and the axe, and the armour and the jewels. " St George for Merrie England ! " had been shouted in the Holy Land, and men of the same blood as himself had been led against the infidel by men of the same brain and muscle as George Washington. Eobin Hood was a reality, and not a schoolboy's myth like Ali Baba and Valentine and Orson. There were two sets of feelings in Charles Browne at tha Tower. He could appreciate the sublimity of history, but, as the " Show ''' part of the exhibition Avas described to him, the 334 INTRODUCTION humorist, the wit, and the iconoclast from the other side ot the Atlantic must have smiled at the " descriptions." The " Tower " was a " show," like his own Artemus Ward's. A price was paid for admission, and the " figgers" were " orated." Real jewellery is very like sham jewellery after all, and the "Artemus" vein in Charles Browne's mental constitution the vein of humour, whose source was a strong contempt of all things false, mean, shabby, pretentious, and only external of bunkum and Barnumisation must have seen a gigantic speculation realising shiploads of dollars if the Tower could have been taken over to the States, and exhibited from town to town the Star and Stripes flying over it with a four- horse lecture to describe the barbarity of the ancient British Barons and the cuss of chivalry. Artemus Ward's Lecture on the Mormons at the Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, was a great success. His humour was so entirely fresh, new, and unconventional, it took his hearers by surprise, and charmed them. His failing health compelled him to abandon the lecture after about eight or ten weeks. Indeed, during that brief period he was once or twice com pelled to dismiss his audience. I have myself seen him sink into a chair and nearly faint after the exertion of dressing. He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his post at the appointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the utmost to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was sick that the public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment was to be diminished. During the last few weeks of his lecture-giving he steadily abstained from accepting any of the numerous invitations he received. Had he lived through the following London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly. Our aristocracy have a fine delicate sense of humour, and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of " Artemus Ward " would have rivalled that of the famous " Lord Dundreary." There were many stupid people who did not understand the BY T. W. ROBERTSON. 335 " fun " of Artemus Ward's books. In their vernacular " they didn't see it." There were many stupid people who did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's lecture on the Mormons. They could not see it. Highly respectable people the pride of their parish, when they heard of a lecture " upon the Mor mons " expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and new statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy, and bray against polygamists with four-and-twenty boiling-water Baptist power of denunciation. These uncomfortable Chris tians do not like humour. They dread it as a certain person age is said to dread holy water, and for the same reason that thieves fear policemen it finds them out. When these good idiots heard Artemus offer, if they did not like the lecture in Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture in California, when he next visited that country, they turned to each other indignantly, and said, " What use are tickets for California to us ? We are not going to California. No ! we are too good, too respectable, to go so far from home. The man is a fool ! " One of these ornaments of the vestry com plained to the doorkeepers, and denounced the lecture as an imposition ; " and," said the wealthy parishioner, " as for the panorama, it 's the worst painted thing I ever saw in all my life ! " But the entertainment, original, humorous, and racy though it was, was drawing to a close ! In the fight between youth and death, death was to conquer. By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short time to Jersey but the breezes of Jersey were powerless. He wrote to London to his nearest and dearest friends the members of a literary club of which he was a member to complain that his " loneliness weighed on him." He was brought back, but could not sustain the journey farther than Southampton. There the members of the before-mentioned club travelled from London to see him two at a time that he might be less lonely and for the unwearying solicitude of his friend and agent, Mr Kingston, 336 INTRODUCTION BY T. W. ROBERTSON. and to the kindly sympathy of the United States Consul at Southampton, Charles Browne's best and dearest friends had cause to be grateful. I cannot close these lines without men tion of "Artemus Ward's" last joke. He had read in the newspapers that a wealthy American had offered to present the Prince of Wales with a splendid yacht, American built. "It seems," said the invalid, "a fashion now-a-daysfor every body to present the Prince of Wales with something. I think I shall leave him my panorama ! " Charles Browne died beloved and regretted by all who knew him, and by many who had known him but a few weeks ; and when he drew his last breath, there passed away the Spirit of a true gentleman. T. W. KOBERTSON. LON&OX, Augutt 11, 1868. ARTEMUS WARD AS A LECTURER. PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. KINGSTON. IN Cleveland, Ohio, the pleasant city beside the lakes, Artemus Ward first determined to become a public lecturer. He and I rambled through Cleveland together after his return from California. He called on some old friends at the Herald office, then went over to the Weddel House, and afterwards strolled across to the offices of the Plain Dealer, where, in his position as sub-editor, he had written many of his earlier essays. Artemus inquired for Mr Gray, the editor, who chanced to be absent. Looking round at the vacant desks and ink-stained furniture, Artemus was silent for a minute or two, and then burst into one of those peculiar chuckling fits of laughter in which he would occasionally indulge ; not a loud laugh, but a shaking of the whole body with an impulse of merriment which set every muscle in motion. " Here," said he, " here 's where they called me a fool." The remembrance of their so calling him seemed to afford him intense amusement. From the office of the Cleveland Plain Dealer we continued our tour of the town. Presently we found ourselves in front of Perry's statue, the monument erected to commemorate the naval engagement on Lake Erie, wherein the Americans came off victorious. Artemus looked up to the statue, laid his finger to the side of his nose, and, in his quaint manner, re marked, " I wonder whether they called him ' a fool ' too, when he went to fight 1 " Y 338 PREFA TOR Y NO TE The remark, following close as it did upon his laughing fit in the newspaper office, caused me to inquire why he had been called " a fool," and who had called him so. " It was the opinion of my friends on the paper," he replied. " I told them that I was going in for lecturing. They laughed at me, and called me 'a fool.' Don't you think they were right ? " Then we sauntered up Euclid Street, under the shade of its avenue of trees. As we went along, Artemus Ward recounted to me the story of his becoming a lecturer. Our conversa tion on that agreeable evening is fresh in my remembrance. Memory still listens to the voice of my companion in the stroll, still sees the green trees of Euclid Street casting their shadows across our path, and still joins in the laugh with Artemus, who, having just returned from California, where he had taken six teen hundred dollars at one lecture, did not think that to be evidence of his having lost his senses. The substance of that which Artemus Ward then told me was, that while writing for the Cleveland Plain Dealer he was accustomed, in the discharge of his duties as a reporter, to attend the performances of the various minstrel troups and circuses which visited the neighbourhood. At one of these he would hear some story of his own, written a month or two previously, given by the " middle-man " of the minstrels and received with hilarity by the audience. At another place he would be entertained by listening to jokes of his own inven tion, coarsely retailed by the clown of the ring, and shouted at by the public as capital waggery on the part of the performer. His own good things from the lips of another " came back to him with alienated majesty," as Emerson expresses it. Then the thought would steal over him Why should that man gain a living with my witticisms, and I not use them in the same way myself? why not be the utterer of my own coinage, the quoter of my own jests, the mouthpiece of my own merry conceits 1 Certainly, it was not a very exalted ambition to aim at the B Y E. P. HINGSTON. 339 glories of a circus clown or the triumphs of a minstrel with a blackened face. But, in the United States a somewhat differ ent view is taken of that which is fitting and seemly for a man to do, compared with the estimate we form in this country. In a land where the theory of caste is not admitted, the rela tive respectability of the various professions is not quite the same as it is with us. There the profession does not disqualify if the man himself be right, nor the claim to the title of gentle man depend upon the avocation followed. I know of one or two clowns in the ring who are educated physicians, and not thought to be any the less gentlemen because they propound conundrums and perpetrate jests instead of prescribing pills and potions. Artemus Ward was always very self-reliant ; when once he believed himself to be in the right it was almost impossible to persuade him to the contrary. But, at the same time, he was cautious in the extreme, and would well consider his position before deciding that which was right or wrong for him to do. The idea of becoming a public man having taken possession of liis mind, the next point to decide was in what form he should appear before the public. That of a humorous lecturer seemed to him to be the best. It was unoccupied ground. America had produced entertainers who by means of facial changes or eccentricities of costume had contrived to amuse their audi ences, but there was no one who ventured to joke for an hour before a house full of people with no aid from scenery or dress. The experiment was one which Artenms resolved to try. Accordingly, he set himself to work to collect all his best quips and cranks, to invent what new drolleries he could, and to remember all the good things that he had heard or met with. These he noted down and strung together almost with out relevancy or connexion. The manuscript chanced to fall into the hands of the people at the office of the newspaper on which he was then employed, and the question was put to him of what use he was goiii to man.e of the strange jumble of 340 PREFA TOR Y NO TE jest which he had thus compiled. His answer was that he was about to turn lecturer, and that before them were the materials of his lecture. It was then that his friends laughed at him, and characterised him as " a fool." " They had some right to think so," said Artemus to me as we rambled up Euclid Street. " I half thought that I was one myself. I don't look like a lecturer do 1 1 " He was always fond, poor fellow, of joking on the subject of his personal appearance. His spare figure and tall stature, his prominent nose and his light-coloured hair, were each made the subject of a joke at one time or another in the course of his lecturing career. If he laughed largely at the foibles of others, he was equally disposed to laugh at any shortcomings he could detect in himself. If anything at all in his outward form was to him a source of vanity, it was the delicate forma tion of his hands. White, soft, long, slender, and really hand some, they were more like the hands of a high-born lady than those of a "Western editor. He attended to them with careful pride, and never alluded to them as a subject for his jokes, until, in his last illness, they had become unnaturally fail', translucent, and attenuated. Then it was that a friend call ing upon him at his apartments in Piccadilly, endeavoured to cheer him at a time of great mental depression, and pleasantly reminded him of a ride they had long ago projected through the South-Western States of the Union. " We must do that ride yet, Artemus. Short stages at first, and longer ones as we go on." Poor Artemus lifted up his pale, slender hands, and letting the light shine through them, said jocosely, " Do you think these would do to hold a rein with? Why, the horse would laugh at them." Having collected a sufficient number of quaint thoughts, whimsical fancies, bizarre notions, and ludicrous anecdotes, the difficulty which then, according to his own confession, occurred to Artemus Ward was, what should be the title of his lecture. The subject was no difficulty at all, for the simple BY E. P. HINGSTON. 341 reason that there was not to be any. The idea of instructing or informing his audience never once entered into his plans. His intention was merely to amuse ; if possible, keep the house in continuous laughter for an hour and a half, or rather an hour and twenty minutes, for that was the precise time, in his belief, which people could sit to listen and to laugh without becoming bored ; and, if possible, send his audience home well pleased with the lecturer and with themselves, without their having any clear idea of that which they had been listening to, and not one jot the wiser than when they came. No one better understood than Artemus the wants of a miscellaneous audience who paid their dollar or half-dollar each to be amused. No one could guage better than he the capacity of the crowd to feed on pure fun, and no one could discriminate more clearly than he the fitness, temper, and mental appetite of the constituents of his evening assemblies. The prosiness of an ordinary Mechanics' Institute lecture was to him simply abhorrent ; the learned platitudes of a professed lecturer were to him, to use one of his own phrases, " worse than poison." To make people laugh was to be his primary endeavour. If in so making them laugh he could also cause them to see through a sham, be ashamed of some silly national prejudice, or suspicious of the value of some current piece of political bunkum, so much the better. He believed in aughter as thoroughly wholesome ; he had the firmest convic tion that fun is healthy, and sportiveness the truest sign of sanity. Like Talleyrand, he was of opinion that " Qui mt sans jolie riestpas si sage quil croit." Artemus Ward's first lecture was entitled " The Babes in the Wood." I asked him why he chose that title, because there was nothing whatever in the lecture relevant to the sub ject of the child-book legend. He replied, " It seemed to sound the best. I once thought of calling the lecture ' My Seven Grandmothers.' Don't you think that would have been good ? " It would at any rate have been just as pertinent. 342 PREFA TOR Y NO TE Incongruity as an element of fun was always an idea upper most in the mind of the Western humorist. I am not aware that the notes of any of his lectures, except those of his Mormon experience, have been preserved, and I have some doubts if any one of his lectures, except the'Mormon one, was ever fairly written out. " The Babes in the Wood," as a lecture, was a pure and unmitigated " sell." It was merely joke after joke, and drollery succeeding to drollery, without any connecting thread whatever. It was an exhibition of fireworks, owing half its brilliancy and more than half its effect to the skill of the man who grouped the fireworks together and let them off. In the hands of any other pyrotechnist the squibs would have failed to light, the rockets would have refused to ascend, and the " nine-bangers " would have exploded but once or twice only, instead of nine times. The artist of the display being no more, and the fireworks themselves having gone out, it is perhaps not to be regretted that the cases of the squibs and the tubes of the rockets have not been carefully kept. Most of the good things introduced by Artemus Ward in his first lecture were afterwards incorporated by him. in subsequent writings, or used over again in his later entertainment. Many of them had reference to the events of the day, the circumstances of the American War and the politics of the Great Rebellion. These, of course, have lost their interest with the passing away of the times which gave them birth. The points of many of the jokes have corroded, and the barbed head of many an arrow of Artemus's wit has rusted into bluntness with the decay of the bow from which it was propelled. If I remember rightly, the " Babes in the Wood " were never mentioned more than twice in the whole lecture. First, when the lecturer told his audience that the "Babes" were to constitute the subject of his discourse, and then digressed im mediately to matters quite foreign to the story. Then again at the conclusion of the hour and twenty minutes of drollery, BY E. P. HINCSTON. 343 tvhcn lie finished up in this way : "I now come to my sub ject ' The Babes in the Wood/ " Here he would take out his watch, look at it with affected surprise, put on an appearance of being greatly perplexed, and amidst roars of laughter from the people, very gravely continue, " But I find that I have exceeded my time, and will therefore merely remark that, so tar as I know, they were very good babes they were as good as ordinary babes. I really have not time to go into their history. You will find it all in the story-books. They died m the woods, listening to the woodpecker tapping the hollow beech-tree. It was a sad fate for them, and I pity them. So, I hope, do you. Good night ! " Artemus gave his first lecture at Norwich in Connecticut, and travelled over a considerable portion of the Eastern States before he ventured to give a sample of his droll oratory in the Western cities, wherein he had earned reputation as a journa list. Gradually his popularity became very great, and in place of letting himself out at so much per night to literary societies and athenaeums, he constituted himself his own showman, en gaging that indispensable adjunct to all showmen in the United States, an agent to go ahead, engage halls, arrange for the sale of tickets, and engineer the success of the show. Newspapers had carried his name to every village of the Union, and his writings had been largely quoted in every journal. It re quired, therefore, comparatively little advertising to announce his visit to any place in which he had to lecture. But it was necessary that he should have a bill or poster of some kind. The one he adopted was simple, quaint, striking, and well adapted to the purpose. It was merely one large sheet, with a black ground, and the letters cut out in the block, so as to print white. The reading was " Artemus Ward will Speak a Piece." To the American mind this was intensely funny from its childish absurdity. It is customary in the States for chil dren to speak or recite " a piece " at school at the annual examination, and the phrase is used just in the same sense as 344 PREFA TOR Y NO TE i:i England we say " a Christmas piece." The professed sub ject of the lecture being that of a story familiar to children, harmonised well with the droll placard which announced its delivery. The place and time were notified on a slip pasted beneath. To emerge from the dull depths of lyceum com mittees and launch out as a showman-lecturer on his own responsibility, was something both novel and bold for Artemus to do. In the majority of instances he or his agent met with speculators who were ready to engage him for so many lectures, and secure to the lecturer a certain fixed sum. But in his later transactions Artemus would have nothing to do with them, much preferring to undertake all the risk himself. The last speculator to whom he sold himself for a tour was, I believe, Mr Wilder, of New York City, who realised a large profit by investing in lecturing stock, and who was always ready to engage a circus, a wild-beast show, or a lecturing celebrity. As a rule Artemus Ward succeeded in pleasing every one in his audience, especially those who understood the character of the man and the drift of his lecture ; but there were not wanting at any of his lectures a few obtuse-minded, slowly- perceptive, drowsy-headed dullards, who had not the remotest idea what the entertainer was talking about, nor why those around him indulged in laughter. Artemus was quick to detect these little spots upon the sunny face of his auditory. He would pick them out, address himself at times to them especially, and enjoy the bewilderment of his Boeotian patrons. Sometimes a stolid inhabitant of central New York, evidently of Dutch extraction, would regard him with an open stare ex pressive of a desire to enjoy that which was said if the point of the joke could by any possibility be indicated to him. At other times a demure Pennsylvania Quaker would benignly survey the poor lecturer with a look of benevolent pity ; and on one occasion, when my friend was lecturing at Peoria, an elderly lady, accompanied by her two daughters, left the loom in the BY E. P. HINCSTON. 345 midst of the lecture, exclaiming, as she passed me at the door, " It is too bad of people to laugh at a poor young man who doesn't know what he is saying, and ought to be sent to a lunatic asylum ! " The newspaper reporters were invariably puzzled in attempt ing to give any correct idea of a lecture by Artemus Ward. No report could fairly convey an idea of the entertainment ; and being fully aware of this, Artemus would instruct his agent to beg of the papers not to attempt giving any abstract of that which he said. The following is the way in which the reporter of the Golden Era, at San Francisco, California, endea voured to inform the San Franciscan public of the character of " The Babes in the Wood " lecture. It is, as the reader will perceive, a burlesque on the way in which Artemus himself dealt with the topic he had chosen; while it also notes one or two 01 the salient features of my friend's style of lec turing : " HOW ARTEMUS WARD ' SPOKE A PIECE.' " " Artemus has arrived. Artemus has spoken. Artemus has triumphed. Great is Artemus ! " Great also is Platt's Hall. But Artemus is greater ; for the hall proved too small for his audience, and too circumscribed for the immen sity of his jokes. A man who has drank twenty bottles of wine may be called ' full.' A pint bottle with a quart of water in it would also be ac counted full ; and so would an hotel be, every bed in it let three times over on the same night to three different occupants ; but none of these would be so full as Platt's Hall was on Friday night to hear Artemus Ward ' speak a piece.' " The piece selected was ' The Babes in the Wood,' which reminds us that Mr Ward is a tall, slender-built, fair-complexioned, jovial-looking gentleman of about twenty-seven years of age. He has a pleasant manner, au agreeable style, and a clear, distinct, and powerful voice. " 'The Babes in the Wood" is a 'comic oration,' with a most compre hensive grasp of subject. As spoken by its witty author, it elicited gusts of laughter and whirlwinds of applause. Mr Ward is no prosy lyceum lecturer. His style is neither scientific, didactic, or philosophical. It is simply that of a man who is brimful of mirth, wit, and satire, and who is compelled to let it flow forth. Maintaining a very grave countenance him- 346 PREFA TOR Y NO TE self, he plays upon the muscles of other people's faces as though they wars piano-strings, and he the prince of pianists. " The story of ' The Babes in the Wood' is interesting in the extreme We would say, en passant, however, that Artemus Ward is a perfect steam factory of puns and a museum of American humour. Humanity seems to him to be a vast mine, out of which he digs tons of fun ; and life a huge forest, in which he can cut down 'cords' of comicality. Language with him is like the brass balls with which the juggler amuses us at the circus ever being tossed up, ever glittering, ever thrown about at pleasure. We intended to report his lecture in full, but we laughed till we split our lead pencil, and our shorthand symbols were too infused with merriment to remain steady on the paper. However, let us proceed to give an idea of ' The Babes in the Wood." In the first place, it is a comic oration ; that is, it is spoken, is exuberant in fun, felicitous in fancy, teeming with jokes, and sparkling as bright waters on a sunny day. The ' Babes in the Wood' is that is, it isn't a lecture or an oratorical effort; it is something sui generis; something reserved for our day and generation, which it would never have done for our forefathers to have known, or they would have been too mirthful to have attended to the business of preparing the world for our coming ; and something which will provoke so much laughter in our time, that the echo of the laughs will reverberate along the halls of futurity, and seriously affect the nerves of future generations. " The ' Babes in the Wood,' to describe it, is Well, those who listened to it know best. At any rate, they will acknowledge with us that it was a great success, and that Artemus Ward has a fortune before him in California. " And now to tell the story of ' The Babes in the Wood ' But we will not, for the hall was not half large enough to accommodate those who came, consequently Mr Ward will tell it over again at the Metropolitan Theatre next Tuesday evening. The subject will again be ' The Babes in the Wood.' " Having travelled over the Union with " The Babes in the Wood " lecture, and left his audiences everywhere fully " in the wood" as regarded the subject announced in the title, Artemus Ward became desirous of going over the same ground again. There were not wanting dreary and timid prophets who told him that having " sold " his audiences once, he would not succeed in gaining large houses a second time. But the faith of Artemus in the unsuspecting nature of the public was very large, so with fearless intrepidity he conceived the happy thought of inventing a new title, but keeping to the same old BY E. P. HINCSTON. 347 lecture, interspersing it here and there with a few fresh jokes, incidental to new topics of the times. Just at this period General McClellan was advancing on Richmond, and the cele brated fight at Bull's Bun had become matter of history. The forcible abolition of slavery had obtained a place among the debates of the day, Hinton Rowan Helper's book on " The Inevitable Crisis " had been sold at every bookstall, and the future of the negro had risen into the position of being the great point of discussion throughout the land. Artemus re quired a very slender thread to string his jokes upon, and what better one could be found than that which he chose? He advertised the title of his next lecture as " Sixty Minutes in Africa." I need scarcely say that he had never been in Africa, and in all probability had never read a book on African travel. He knew nothing about it, and that was the very reason he should choose Africa for his subject. I believe that he carried out the joke so far as to have a map made of the African continent, and that on a few occasions, but not on all, he had it suspended in the lecture-room. It was in Philadel phia and at the Musical Fund Hall in Locust Street that I first heard him deliver what he jocularly phrased to me as " My African Revelation." The hall was very thronged, the audience must have exceeded two thousand in number, and the evening was unusually warm. Artemus came on the ros trum with a roll of paper in his hands, and used it to play with throughout the lecture, just as recently at the Egyptian Hall, while lecturing on the Mormons, he invariably made use of a lady's riding-whip for the same purpose. He commenced his lecture thus, speaking very gravely and with long pauses between his sentences, allowing his audience to laugh if they pleased, but seeming to utterly disregard their laughter : " I have invited you to listen to a discourse upon Africa. Africa is my subject. It is a very large subject. It has the Atlantic Ocean on its left side, the Indian Ocean on its right, aud more water than you could measure out at its smaller end. 348 PREFA TOR Y NO TE Africa produces blacks ivory blacks they get ivory. It also produces deserts, and that is the reason it is so much deserted by travellers. Africa is famed for its roses. It has the red rose, the white rose, and the neg-rose. Apropos of negroes, let me tell you a little story." Then he at once diverged from the subject of Africa to re tail to his audience his amusing story of the Conversion of a Negro, which he subsequently worked up into an article in the Savage Club Papers, and entitled " Converting the Nigger." Never once again in the course of the lecture did he refer to Africa, until the time having arrived for him to conclude, and the people being fairly worn out with laughter, he finished up by saying, " Africa, ladies and gentlemen, is my subject. You wish me to tell you something about Africa. Africa is on the map it is on all the maps of Africa that I have ever seen. You may buy a good map for a dollar, and if you study it well, you will know more about Africa than I do. It is a comprehensive subject, too vast, I assure you, for me to enter upon to-night. You would not wish me too, I feel that I feel it deeply, and I am very sensitive. If you go home and go to bed it will be better for you than to go with me to Africa," The joke about the " neg-rose " has since run the gauntlet of nearly all the minstrel bands throughout England and America. All the " bones," every " middle-man," and all "end-men" of the burnt-cork profession have used Artemus Ward as a mine wherein to dig for the ore which provokes laughter. He has been the " cause of wit in others," and the bread-winner for many dozens of black-face songsters " singists " as he used to term them. He was just as fond of visiting their entertainments as they were of appropriating his jokes ; and among his best friends in New York were the brothers Messrs Neil and Dan Bryant, who have made a for tune by what has been facetiously termed " the burnt-cork- opera." BY E. P. HINGSTON. 349 It was in his " Sixty Minutes in Africa " lecture that Arte mus Ward first introduced his celebrated satire on the negro, which he subsequently put into print. " The African," said he, " may be our brother. Several highly respectable gentle men and some talented females tell me that he is, and for argument's sake I might be induced to grant it, though I don't believe it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and uncle. He isn't several of our brothers and first wife's relations. He isn't our grandfather and great grandfather, and our aunt in the country. Scarcely." It may easily be imagined how popular this joke became when it is remembered that it was first perpetrated at a time when the negro question was so much debated as to have become an absolute nuisance. Nothing else was talked of; nobody would talk of anything but the negro. The saying arose that all Americans had " nigger-on-the-brain." The topic had become nauseous, especially to the Democratic party ; and Artemus always had more friends among them than among the Republicans. If he had any politics at all he was certainly a Democrat. War had arisen, the South was closed, and the lecturing arena considerably lessened. Artemus Ward determined to go to California. Before starting for that side of the American continent, he wished to appear in the city of New York. He engaged, through his friend Mr De Walden, the large hall then known as Niblo's, in front of the Niblo's Garden Theatre, and now used, I believe, as the dining-room of the Metropo litan Hotel. At that period Pepper's Ghost chanced to be the great novelty of New York City, and Artemus Ward was casting about for a novel title to his old lecture. Whether he or Mr De Walden selected that of " Artemus Ward's Struggle with a Ghost" I do not know ; but I think that it was Mr De Walden's choice. The title was seasonable, and the lecture successful. Then came the tour to California, whither I pro ceeded in advance to warn the miners on the Yuba, the 350 PREFA TOR Y NO TE travellers on the Eio Sacramento, and the citizens of the Chrysopolis of the Pacific that "A. Ward" would be there shortly. In California the lecture was advertised under ite old name of " The Babes in the Wood." Platt's Hall was selected for the scene of operation, and, so popular was the lecturer, that on the first night we took at the doors more than sixteen hundred dollars in gold. The crowd proved too great to take money in the ordinary manner, and hats were used for people to throw their dollars in. One hat broke through at ihe crown. I doubt if we ever knew to a dollar how many Collars it once contained. California was duly travelled over, and " The Babes in the Wood" listened to with laughter in its flourishing cities, its mining-camps among the mountains, and its " new placers " beside gold-bedded rivers. While journeying through that strangely-beautiful land, the serious question arose What was to be done next ? After California where ? Before leaving New York, it had been a favourite scheme of Artemus Ward not to return from California to the East by way of Panama, but to come home across the Plains, and to visit Salt Lake City by the way. The difficulty that now presented itself was, that winter was close upon us, and that it was no pleasant thing to cross the Sierra Nevada and scale the Rocky Mountains with the thermometer far below freezing- point. Nor was poor Artemus even at that time a strong man. My advice was to return to Panama, visit the West India Islands, and come back to California in the spring, lecture again in San Francisco, and then go on to the land of the Mormons. Artemus doubted the feasibility of this plan, and the decision was ultimately arrived at to try the journey to Salt Lake. Unfortunately the winter turned out to be one of the severest. When we arrived at Salt Lake City, my poor friend was seized with typhoid fever, resulting from the fatigue we had undergone, the intense cold to which we had been subjected, and the excitement of being on a journey of 35UO BY E. P. KINGSTON. 351 miles across the North American Continent, when the Pacific Railway had made little progress and the Indians were reported not to be very friendly. The story of the tiip is told in Artemus Ward's lecture. I have added to it, at the special request of the publisher, a few explanatory notes, the purport of which is to render the reader acquainted with the characteristics of the lecturer's delivery. For the benefit of those who never had an opportunity of see ing Artemus Ward nor of hearing him lecture, I may be par doned for attempting to describe the man himself. In stature he was tall, in figure, slender. At any time during our acquaintance his height must have been dispropor tionate to his weight. Like his brother Cyrus, who died a few years before him, Charles F. Browne, our "Artemus Ward," fcad the premonitory signs of a short life strongly evident in his early manhood. There were the lank form, the long pale fingers, the very white pearly teeth, the thin, fine, soft hair, the undue brightness of the eyes, the excitable and even irritable disposition, the capricious appetite, and the alter nately jubilant and despondent tone of mind which too fre quently indicate that " the abhorred fury with the shears" is Avaiting too near at hand to " slit the thin-spun life." His hair was very light-coloured, and not naturally curly. He used to joke in his lecture about what it cost him to keep it curled ; he wore a very large moustache without any beard or whiskers ; his nose was exceedingly prominent, having an outline not un like that of the late Sir Charles Napier. His forehead was large, with, to use the language of the phrenologists, the organs of the perceptive faculties far more developed than those of the imaginative powers. He had the manner and bearing of a naturally-born gentleman. Great was the dis appointment of many who, having read his humorous papers descriptive of his exhibition of snakes and waxwork, and who having also formed their ideas of him from the absurd pictures which had been attached to some editions of his works, found 352 PREFA TOR Y NO TE oil meeting with him that there was no trace of the showman in his deportment, and little to call up to their mind the smart Yankee who had married " Betsy Jane.". There was nothing to indicate that he had not lived a long time in Europe and acquired the polish which men gain by coming in contact with the society of European capitals. In his conver sation there was no marked peculiarity of accent to identify him as an American, nor any of the braggadocio which some of his countrymen unadvisedly assume. His voice was soft, gentle, and clear. He could make himself audible in the largest lecture-rooms without effort. His style of lecturing was peculiar ; so thoroughly sui generis, that I know of no one with Avhom to compare him, nor can any description very well convey an idea of that which it was like. However much he caused his audience to laugh, no smile appeared upon his own face. It was grave even to solemnity, while he was giving utterance to the most delicious absurdities. His assumption of indifference to that which he was saying, his happy manner of letting his best jokes fall from his lips as if unconscious of their being jokes at all, his thorough self-possession on the platform, and keen appreciation of that which suited his audience and that which did not, rendered him well qualified for the task which he had under taken that of amusing the public with a humorous lecture. He understood and comprehended to a hair's breadth the grand secret of how not to bore. He had weighed, measured, and calculated to a nicety the number of laughs an audience could indulge in on one evening, without feeling that they were laughing just a little too much. Above all, he was no com mon man, and did not cause his audience .to feel that they were laughing at that which they should feel ashamed of being amused with. He was intellectually up to the level of nine- tenths of those who listened to him, and in listening, they felt that it was no fool who wore the cap and bells so excellently. It was amusing to notice how with different people his jokes BY E. P. HINGSTON. 353 produced a different effect. The Honourable Robert Lowe attended one evening at the Mormon Lecture, and laughed as hilariously as any one in the room. The next evening Mr John Bright happened to be present. With the exception of one or two occasional smiles, he listened with grave attention. In placing the lecture before the public in print, it is im possible, by having recourse to any system of punctuation, to indicate the pauses, jerky emphases, and odd inflexions of voice which characterised the delivery. The reporter of the Standard newspaper, describing his first lecture in London, aptly said : " Artemus dropped his jokes faster than the meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. And there was this resemblance between the flashes of his humour and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one looked for jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the place that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoy ment of the evening lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty cachinnation of the people who only found out the jokes some two or three minutes after they were made, and who then laughed apparently at some grave statements of fact. Eeduced to paper, the showman's jokes are certainly not brilliant ; almost their whole effect lies in their seemingly impromptu character. They are carefully led up to, of course; but they are uttered as if they are mere afterthoughts, of which the speaker is hardly sure." Herein the writer in the Standard hits the most marked peculiarity of Artemus Ward's style of lecturing. His affectation of not knowing what he was utter ing, his seeming fits of abstraction, and his grave, melancholy aspect, constituted the very cream of the entertainment. Occasionally he would amuse himself in an apparently medi tative mood, by twirling his little riding-whip, or by gazing earnestly, but with affected admiration, at his panorama. At the Egyptian Hall his health entirely failed him, and he would occasionally have to use a seat during the course of the lec ture. In the notes which follow I have tried, I know how 354 PREFA TOR Y NO TE inefficiently, to convey here and there an idea of how Artemua rendered his lecture amusing by gesture or action, I have also, at the request of the publisher, made a few explanatory comments on the subject of our Mormon trip. In so doing I hope that I have not thrust myself too prominently forward, nor been too officious in my explanations. My aim has been to add to the interest of the lecture with those who never heard it delivered, and to revive in the memory of those who did some of its notable peculiarities. The illustrations are from photographs of the panorama painted in America for Artemus, as the pictorial portion of his entertainment. In the lecture is the fun of the journey. For the hard facts the reader in quest of information is referred to a book pub lished previously to the lecturer's appearance at the Egyptian Hall, the title of which is, " Artemus Ward : His Travels %mong the Mormons." Much against the grain as it was for Artemus to be statistical, he has therein detailed some of the experiences of his Mormon trip, with due regard to the exacti tude and accuracy of statement expected by information- seeking readers in a book of travels. He was not precisely the sort of traveller to write a paper for the evening meetings of the Royal Geographical Society, nor was he sufficiently interested in philosophical theories to speculate on the develop ments of Mormonism as illustrative of the history of religious belief. We were looking out of the window of the Salt Lake House one morning, when Brigham Young happened to pass down the opposite side of Main Street. It was cold weather, and the prophet was clothed in a thick cloak of some green- coloured material. I remarked to Artemus that Brigham had seemingly compounded Mormonism from portions of a dozen different creeds ; and that in selecting green for the colour of his apparel, he was imitating Mahomet. " Has it not struck you," I observed, " that Swedenborgianism and Mahometan- ism are oddly blended in the Mormon faith 1 " " Petticoatism and plunder," was Artemus's reply; and that BY E. P. HINCSTON. 355 comprehended his whole philosophy of Mormonism. As he remarked elsewhere : " Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability. If you ask me, How pious is he ? I treat it as a conundrum, and give it up." To lecture in London, and at the Egyptian Hall, had long been a favourite idea of Artemus "Ward. Some humorist has said, that " All good Americans, when they die , go to Paris." So do most, whether good or bad, while they are living. Still more strongly developed is the transatlantic desire to go to Rome. In the far west of the Missouri, in the remoter west of Colorado, and away in far north-western Oregon, I have heard many a tradesman express his intention to make dollars enough to enable him to visit Eome. In a land where all is so new, where they have had no past, where an old wall would be a sensation, and a tombstone of anybody's great grandfather the marvel of the whole region, the charms of the old world have an irresistible fascination. To visit the home of the Caesars they have read of in their school-books, and to look at architecture which they have seen pictorially, but have nothing like it in existence around them, is very naturally the strong wish of people who are nationally nomadic, and who have all more or less a smattering of education. Artemus Ward never expressed to me any very great wish to travel on the European continent, but to see London was to accomplish something which he had dreamed of from his boyhood. There runs from Marysville in California to Oroville in the same State a short and singular little railway, which, when we were there, was in a most unfinished condition. To Oroville we were going. We were too early for the train at the Marys ville station, and sat down on a pile of timber to chat over future prospects. " What sort of a man was Albert Smith ? " asked Artemus. " And do you think that the Mormons would be as good a subject for the Londoners as Mont Blanc was ? " 356 PREFA TORY NOTE BY E. P. HINGSTON. I answered his questions. He reflected for a few moments, and then said " Well, old fellow, I '11 tell you what I should like to do. I should like to go to London and give my lecture in the same place. Can it be done \ " It was done. Not in the same room, but under the same roof and on the same floor ; in that gloomy-looking Hall in Piccadilly, which was destined to be the ante-chamber to the tomb of both lecturers. Throughout this brief sketch I have written familiarly oi the late Mr Charles F. Browne as " Artemus Ward," or simply as " Artemus." I have done so advisedly, mainly because, during the whole course of our acquaintance, I do not remem ber addressing him as " Mr Browne," or by his real Christian name. To me he was always " Artemus " Artemus the kind, the gentle, the suave, the generous. One who was ever a friend in the fullest meaning of the word, and the best of companions in the amplest acceptance of the phrase. His merry laugh and pleasant conversation are as audible to me as if they were heard but yesterday ; his words of kindness linger on the ear of memory, and his tones of genial mirth live in echoes which I shall listen to for evermore. Two years will soon have passed away since last he spoke, and " Silence now, enamour'd of his voice Locks its mute music in her rugged cell." E. P. HlNGSTON. LOXPOK, October 166flt THE LECTURE.* BY ARTEMUS WARD. i r ou are entirely welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my little picture-shop, f I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormons and Utah and the Plains and the Eocky Mountains without opening a picture-shop and therefore I open ona I don't expect to do great things here but I have thought * Artemus Ward's first lecture in London was delivered at the Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, on Tuesday, November 13, 1866. The room used was ?hat which had been recently occupied by Mr Arthur Sketchley. It is the lesser of the two rooms at the top of the staircase ; not the one in which Mr Albert Smith formerly made his appearances. The attendance was very large, but the audience for the most part consisted of invited friends and the members of the press. The paying public having to wait for another opportunity, though they struggled in large numbers to obtain admission. Copies of Artemus Ward's very original programmes are given in the Appendix, together with the notice of the lecture which appeared in the Times two days after its delivery. The notice was written by Mr John Oxenford. t "My little picture-shop." I have already stated that the room used was the lesser of the two on the first floor of the Egyptian Hall. The panorama was to the left on entering, and Artemus Ward stood at the south-east corner, facing the door. He had beside him a music-stand, on which for the first few days he availed himself of the assistance afforded by a sheet of foolscap, on which all his " cues " were written out in a large hand. The proscenium was covered with dark cloth, and the picture bounded by a great gilt frame. On the rostrum behind the lecturer was a little door giving admission to the space behind the picture where the piano was placed. Through this door Artemus would disappear occasion ally in the course of the evening, either to instruct his pianist to play a 35 ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. that if I could make money enough to buy me a passage t.o New Zealand * I should feel that I had not lived In rain. I don't want to live in vain. I'd rather live in Margate or here. But I wish when the Egyptians built this hall they had given it a little more ven- tilation.t If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night I will admit you all free in New Zealand if you will come to me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal will tell you where I live. This shows that I have a forgiving spirit. I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I have on were a great success in America.^ few more bars of music, to tell his assistants to roll the picture more quickly or more slowly, or to give some instructions to the man who worked " the moon." The little lecture-room was thronged nightly during the very few weeks of its being open. * " To New Zealand." Artemus Ward seriously contemplated a visit to Australia, after having made the tour of England. He was very much in terested in all Australian affairs, had a strong desire to see the lands of the South, and looked forward to the long sea-voyage as one of the means by which he should regain his lost health. f- " More ventilation." The heat and closeness of the densely-packed room was a cause of common complaint among the audience. + " These clothes," do. I hope she is happy b ecause I am. t Some people are not happy. I have noticed that. A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears in his eyes. I said " Why these weeps ? " He said he had a mortgage on his farm and wanted to borrow 200. I lent him the money and he went away. Some time after he re turned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. ] ventured to remind him of the 200 he borrowed. He was much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him so told him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He brightened shook my hand and said " Old friend I von't allow you to outdo me in liberality I'll throw off the other hundred." As a manager I was always rather more successful than as an actor. * " Failed as an actor." Artemus made many attempts as an amateur actor, but never to his own satisfaction. He was very fond of the society of actors and actresses. Their weaknesses amused him as much as their talents excited his admiration. One of his favourite sayings was that tho world was made up of " men, women, and the people on the stage." f " Because I am I " Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which always told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the Wood " lec ture, and the '' Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon story. ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE. 361 Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself the people of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is a long voyage as you know from New York to Melbourne and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. He had never been on the ocean before and he said it agreed with him. 1 thought so ! 1 never saw a man eat so much in my life. Beef mutton pork he swallowed them all like a shark and between meals he was often dis covered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton weighed 64 pounds more than I did ! I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on to California another very long sea voyage and when I got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a Fat Man. * This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I know but one of the principal features of my Entertainment is that it Contains SO many things that don't have anything to do with it. My Orchestra is small but I am sure it is very good so far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a night and his washing.t * " As a fat man.'' The reader need scarcely be informed that this narrative is about as real as " A. Ward's Snaiks," and about as much matter of fact as his journey through the States with a wax-work show. f "My pianist," ttc. That a good pianist could be hired for a small sum in England was a matter of amusement to Artemus. More especially when he found a gentleman obliging enough to play anything he desired, such as break-downs and airs which had the most absurd relation to the scene they were used to illustrate.- In the United States his pianist was desirous of playing music of a superior order, much against the consent oi the lecturer. 362 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. I like Music. 1 can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am. The other night some silver-voiced young men came under my window, and sang " Come where my love lies dreaming." 1 didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor rect. I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted. My face was hewn down to nothing and my nose was so sharp I didn't dare stick it into other people's business for fear it would stay ther e and I should never get it again. And on those dismal days a Mormon lady she was married t ho' not so much so as her husban d he had fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad commencing " Sweet bird do not fly away ! " and I told her I wouldn't. She played the accordion divinely accordionly I praised her. I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth not a tooth in his head y et that man could play on the bass drum better than any man I ever met. He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 1 had night mares of course. In the morn ing the landlord said How do you feel old hoss hav \ . I told him I fult my oats. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 363 "HERMIT * me now to quietly state that altho' I am here JL with my cap and bells, I am also here with some seri ous descriptions of the Mormons their manners their cus toms and while the pictures I shall present to your notice are by no means works of art they are painted from photo graphs actually taken on the spot t and I am sure I need not inform any person present who was ever in the territory of Utah that they are as faithful as they could possibly be. \ I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California. * " Permit me now." Though the serious part of the lecture was here entered upon, it was not delivered in a graver tone than that in which he had spoken the farcicalities of the prologue. Most of the prefatory mat ter was given with an air of earnest thought ; the arms sometimes folded, and the chin resting on one hand. On the occasion of hia first exhibiting the panorama at New York he used a fishing-rod to point out the picture with ; subsequently he availed himself of an old umbrella. In the Egyp tian Hall he used his little riding-whip. t " Photographs." They were photographed by Savage & Ottinger, of Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham Young. + Curtain. The picture was concealed from view during the first part of the lecture by a crimson curtain. This was drawn together or opened Aiany times in the course of the lecture, and at odd points of the picture. I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained why he caused the curtain to be drawn at one place and not at another. Probably he thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut in the picture just when there was no reason for its being used. " By way of California" That is, he went by steamer from New York to Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of Panama by railway, and then from Panama to California by another steamboat. A journey which then occupied about three weeks. 364 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. I went to California on the steamer Ariel. This is the steamer Ariel (Pointing to Panorama.) Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer Ariel a n d when you go to California be sure and go on some Other Steame r because the Ariel isn't a very good one. When I reached the Ariel at pier No. 4 New York I found the passengers in a state of great confusion about their things which were being thrown around by the ship's porters in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great was the excitement my fragile form was smashed this way and jammed that way till finally I was shoved into a stateroom which was occupied by two middle-aged females who said, " Base man leave us Oh leave us ! " 1 left the m ll I left them! We reached Accapulco, on the coast of Mexico, in due time. Nothing of special interest occurred at Accapulco only some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night" if I may quote from the Family Herald. It don't curl. A Mexican's lady's hair never curls it ia straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl undor any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.* * " Under two shillings." Artemus always wore his hair straight until after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped off during his recovery, that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the looking- glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City theatre, he did not lecture again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there. ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 365 (Pointing to Panorama.) The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific Coast. The Chinese form a large element in the population of San Francisco and I went to the Chinese Theatre. A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week till he is either killed or married. The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it but, as my time was limited, I went away at the expiration of 215 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song the chorus being " Tural lural dural, ri fol day " which was repeated twice at the end of each verse making as you will at once see the appalling number of 22,000 " tural lural dural, ri fol days " a nd the man still lives. (Pointing to Panorama.) Virginia City in the bright new State of Nevada.* I met him coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his band. " I want you, old fellow," he said ; " I have been all round the city for them, and I 've got them at last." " Got what ? " I asked. " A pair of curling-tongs. I am going to have my hair curled to lecture iu to-night. I mean to cross the Plains in curls. Come home with me, and try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber, to be laughed at." I played the part of friseur. Subsequently he became his own " curlist," as he phrased it. From that day forth Artemus was a curlr-haired man. * " Virginia City." The view of Virginia City given in the panorama conveyed a very poor idea of the marvellous capital of the silver region of 366 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. A wonderful nttle city right in the heart of the famous Washoe silver regions the mines of which annually pro- Nevada. Artemus caused the curtain to close up between his view of San Francisco and that of Virginia City, as a simple means of conveying an idea of the distance travelled between. To arrive at the city of silver we had to travel from San Francisco to Sacramento by steamboat, thence from Sacramento to Folsom by railroad, then by coach to Placerville. At Placerville we commenced the ascent of the Sierra Nevada, gaining the summit of Johnson's Pass about four o'clock in the morning ; thence we descended ; skirted the shores of Lake Tahoe, and arrived at Carson City, where Artemus lectured. From Carson, the next trip was across an arid plain, to the great silver region. Empire City, the first place we struck, was composed of about fifty wooden houses and three or four quartz mills. Leaving it behind us, we pass through the Devil's Gate a grand ravine, with precipitous mountains on each side ; then we came to Silver City, Gold Hill, and Virginia. The road was all up-hill. Virginia City itself is built on a ledge cut out of the side of Mount Davidson, which rises some 9000 feet above the sea level the city being about half way up its side. To Artemus Ward the wild character of the scenery, the strange manners of the red-shirted citizens, and the odd developments of life met with in that uncouth mountain-town were all replete with interest. We staye I there about a week. During the time of our stay he explored every part of the place, met many old friends from the Eastern States, and formed many new acquaintances, with some of whom acquaintance ripened into warm friendship. Among the latter was Mr Samuel L. Clemens, now veil known as " Mark Twain." He was then sub-editing one of the three papers published daily in Virginia The Territorial Enterprise. Artemus detected in the writings of Mark Twain the indications of great humorous power, and strongly advised the writer to seek a better field for his talents. Since then he has become a well-known New York lecturer and author. With Mark Twain, Artemus made a descent into the Gould and Curry Silver Mine at Virginia, the largest mine of the kind, I believe, in the world. The account of the descent formed a long and very amusing article in the next morning's Enterprise. To wander about the town and note its strange developments occupied Artemus incessantly. I was sitting writing letters at the hotel when he came in hurriedly, and requested me to go out with him. " Come and see some joking much better than mine," said he. He led me to where one of Wells, Fargo, & Co.'s express waggons was being rapidly filled with silver bricks. Ingots of the precioui metal, each almost as large as an ordinary brick, were being thrown fron> one man to another to load the waggon, just as bricks or cheeses are trau*- ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 367 iuce over twenty-five millions of solid silver. This silver is melted into solid bricks of about the size of ordinary house- f erred from hand to hand by carters in England. " Good old jokes those, Kingston. Good, solid 'Babes in the Wood,'" observed Artemus. Yet that evening he lectured in " Maguire's Opera House," Virginia City, to an audience composed chiefly of miners, and the receipts were not far short of eight hundred dollars. A droll building it was to be called an " Opera House," and to bear that designation in a place so outlandish. Perched up on the side of a mountain, from the windows of the dressing- rooms a view could be had of fifty miles of the American desert. It was an "Opera House ;" yet in the plain beneath it there were Indians who still led the life of savages, and carried dried human scalps attached to their girdles. It was an " Opera House ;" yet, for many hundred miles around it, Nature wore the roughest, sternest, and most barren of aspects no tree, no grass, no shrub, but the colourless and dreary sage-brush. Every piece of timber, every brick, and every stone in that " Opera House " had been brought from California, over those snow-capped Sierras, which, but a few years before, had been regarded as beyond the last out- Dosts of civilisation. Every singer who had sung, and every actor who iad performed at that " Opera House," had been whirled down the sidei *f the Nevada mountains, clinging to the coach-top, and mentally vowing never again to trust the safety of his neck on any such professional excursion. The drama has been very plucky "out West." Thalia, Mel pomene, and Euterpe become young ladies of great animal spirits and fearless daring when they feel the fresh breezes of the Pacific blowing in their faces. At Virginia City we purchased black felt shirts half an inch thick, and gray blankets of ample size to keep us warm for the journey we were about to undertake. We invested also in revolvers to defend our selves against the Indians ; a dozen cold roast fowls to eat on the way ; a demijohn of Bourbon whisky, and a bagful of unground coffee. This last was about as useful as any of our purchases. Thus provided, we started across the desert on our way to Reese River, and thence to Salt Lake City. Our coach was a fearfully lumbering old vehicle of great strength, con structed for jolting over rocky ledges, plunging into marshy swamps, and for rolling through miles of sand. The horses were small and wiry, accus tomed to the country, and able to exist on anything which it is possible for a horse to eat. There were four of us in the coach. The " Pioneer Company's" man who drove us was full of whisky and good humour when be mounted the box ; and singing in chorus, " Jordan's a hard road to travel on," we bowled down the slope of Mount Davidson towards the deserts of Nevada, en route for New Pass Station. 368 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. bricks and carted off to San Francisco with mules. The roads often swarm with these silver waggons. One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this place are the Reese Eiver Silver Mines which are supposed to be the richest in the world. (Pointing to Panorama.) The great American Desert in winter-time the desert which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no houses no people save the miserable beings who live in wretched huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the Overland Mail Company. This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting d one in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It was the last thing they did before dying. They did this and then they expired. The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at it. I wish you were nearer to it so you could see it better. I wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at. They say they never saw anything like it b e f O r e and they hope they never shall ajain. When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that they called for the Artist and when he appeared they threw brickbats at him.* * " Threw brickbats at him." This portion of the panorama was very badly painted. When the idea of having a panorama was first enter tained by Artemus, he wished to have one of great artistic merit. Find ing considerable difficulty in procuring one, and also discovering that the expense of a real work of art would be beyond his means, he resolvad OB ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 369 (Pointing to Panorama.) A bird's-eye- view of Great Salt Lake City the strange city in the Desert about which so much has been heard the city of the people who call themselves Saints.* I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable people ladies and gentlemen and I have thought it bettei to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment entirely serious 1 will not then for the next ten minutes confine myself to my subject. having a very bad one, or one so bad in parts that its very badness would give him scope for jest. In the small towns of the Western States it passed very well for a first-class picture, but what it was really worth in an artistic point of view its owner was very well aware. * "Salt Lake City." Our stay in the Mormon capital extended over six weeks. So cheerless was the place in midwinter, that we should not have etayed half that time had not Arte.nus Ward succumbed to an attack of typhoid fever almost as soon as we arrived. The incessant travel by night and day, the depressing effect produced by intense cold, travelling through leagues of snow and fording half-frozen rivers at midnight, the excitement of passing through Indian country, and some slight nervous apprehension of how he would be received among the Mormons, cs'^uidering that he had ridiculed them in a paper published some time before, all conspired to produce the illness which resulted. Fever of the typhoid form is not un common in Utah. Probably the rarefaction of the air en a plateau four thousand feet above the sea level has something to do with its frequency. Artemus's fears relative to the cordiality of his reception proved to be groundless, for during the period of his being ill he was carefully tended. Brigham Young commissioned Mr Stenhouse, postmaster to the city and Elder of the Mormon Church, to visit him frequently and supply him with whatever he required. One of the two wives of Mr Townsend, landlord of the Salt Lake House, the hotel where we stopped, was equally as kind. Whatever the feelings of the Mormons were towards poor Artemus, they at least treated him with sympathetic hospitality. Even Mr Porter Rock well, who is known as one of the " Avenging Angels," or " Danite Band," and who is reported to have made away with some seventeen or eighteen enemies of the " Saints," came and sat by the bedside of the sufferer, detailing to him some of the little " difficulties " he had experienced iu effectually silencing the unbelievers of times past. 2 A 370 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. Some seventeen years ago, a small band of Mormons headed by Brigham Young commenced in the present thrifty metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah is over 100,000 chiefly Mormons and they are increasing at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to English and Germans. Wales and Cornwall have contri buted largely to the population of Utah during the last few years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000. The streets are eight rods wide * and are neither flagged nor paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses through each street and is conducted into the gardens of the Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe or sun-dried brick and present a neat and comfortable appearance. They are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you Bee a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated because there are no absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons. The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen people of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They say that Mr Brigham Young is a prophet the legitimate suc cessor of Joseph Smith, who founded the Mormon religion. They also say they are authorised by special revelation from Heaven to marry as many wives as they can comfortably support. This wife system they call plurality the world calls it polygamy. That, at its best, it is an accursed thing I need not, of course, inform you but you will bear in mind that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grcrw * E and said " Wink-ho loo-boo ! " Says I " Mr Wocky-bocky " says I " Wocky I have thought so for year s a nd so's all our family." He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart and eat raw dog.t It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. * " Their way to the 'battlefield." This was the great joke of Artemus Ward's first lecture, " The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it in any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by re petition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as im moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tremont Temple in Boston. f " Raw dog." While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux Indians, we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed to eat raw dog to give them courage previous to going to batt?*. Artemus was 2B 386 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. I prefer pork-pie because then I know what I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to give to me I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two days I seized a tin plate and went to the chiefs daughter and I said to her in a silvery voice in a kind of G e r m a n-s ilvery voic e 1 said " Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog." There was nothing but his paws ! I had paused too long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which time has. I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried to seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I seized him he knocked me down. Since then I have learned that he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary. (Pointing to Panorama.) The Rocky Mountains. I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun tains. In America they are regarded as a great success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It is a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American who hadn't something sometime to say about the Rocky Mountains and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't say anything about nothing. But these mountains whose summits are snow-covered and icy all the year round are too grand to make fun of. I crossed them in the winter of '64 in a rough sleigh drawn by four mules. This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing- Water alluded to greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, he became weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it was a favourite joke with him to inquire, " Kingston, have you got any raw dog ? " ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 387 by Mr Longfellow in his Indian poem " Higher- Water." The water is higher up there. (Music.) (Pointing to Panorama.) The plains of Colorado. These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for introducing here. On a beautiful June morning some sixteen years ago (Music, very loud till the scene is off.) ***** ***** ***** and she fainted on Eeginald's breast !* The Prairie on Fire. (Pointing to Panorama.) A prairie on fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights that can possibly be imagined. * " On Reginald's "breast." At this part of the lecture Artemus pre tended to tell a story the piano playing loudly all the time. He con tinued his narration in excited dumb-show his lips moving as though he were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unrestrained laughter, 388 ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE. These fires occur of course in the summer when the grass is dry as tinder and the flames rush and roar over the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually burn better than mine is burning to-night. I try to make my prairie burn regular! y a nd not dis appoint the publi c b ut it is not a a high-principled as I am.* (Pointing to Panorama.) Brigham Young at home. The last picture I have to show you represents Mr Brigham Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large and the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled condition. He is more a father than any man I know. When at home as you here see him h e ought to be very happy with sixty wives to minister to his comforts and twice sixty children to soothe his distracted mind. Ah! my friends what is home without a family? What will become of Mormonism? We all know and admit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon the "scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His administrative ability holds the system together his power of will maintain it as the faith of a community. When he dies Mormonism will die too. The men who are around him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his strength it is held together. When he falls Mormonism will also fall to pieces. * " As high-principled as I am." The scene was a transparent one the light from behind so managed as to give the effect of the prairie on fire. Artemus enjoyed the joke of letting the fire go out occasionally, and then allowing it. to relight itself. THE TIMES" NOTICE. 389 That lion you perceive has a tail.* It is a long one already. Like mine it is to be continued in our next.t * " That lion has a tail." The lion on a pedestal, as painted in the panorama its tail outstretched like that of the leonine adornment to Northumberland House, was a pure piece of frolic on the part of the entertainer. Brigham Young certainly adopts the lion as a Mormon .emblem. A beehive and a lion, suggestive of industry and strength, are the symbola of the Mormons in Salt Lake City. t " To be continued in our next." To revisit Utah, and to do another and a better lecture about it, was a favourite idea of Artemus Ward. Another fancy that he had was to visit the stranger countries of the Eastern world and find in some of them mattei for a humorous lecture. While ill in Utah, he read Mr Layard's book on Nineveh, left behind at the hotel by a traveller passing through Salt Lake. Mr Layard's reference to the Yezedi, or " Devil-worshippers," took powerful hold on the imagina tion of the reader. During our trip home across the plains he would often, sometimes in jest and sometimes in earnest, chat about a trip to Asia to see the " Devil -worshippers." Naturally his inclinations were nomadic, and had a longer life been granted to him I believe that he would have seen more of the surface of this globe than even the generality of his countrymen see, much as they are accustomed to travel. Within about the same distance from Portland in England that his own birth place is from Portland in Maine, his travels came to an end. He died at Southampton. His great wish was for strength to return to his home, that he might die with the face of his own mother bending over him, and In the cottage where he was born. ....... " COSLUMQUE ET MORIENS DULCES BEMdlSCITUB ARGOS.'' E. P. H, APPENDIX. "THE TIMES" NOTICE. i EGYPTIAN HALL. Before a large audience, comprising an extraordinary number of literary celebrities, Mr Artemus 390 THE TIMES' 1 NOTICE. Ward, the noted American humorist, made his first appear ance as a public lecturer on Tuesday evening, the place se lected for the display of his quaint oratory being the room long tenanted by Mr Arthur Sketchley. His first entrance on the platform was the signal for loud and continuous laughter and applause, denoting a degree of expectation which a nervous man might have feared to encounter. However, his first sen- tences, and the way in which they were received, amply sufficed to prove that his success was certain. The dialect of Artemus bears a less evident mark of the Western World than that of many American actors, who would fain merge their own pecu liarities in the delineation of English character ; but his jokes are of that true Transatlantic type, to which no nation beyond the limits of the States can offer any parallel. These jokes he lets fall with an air of profound unconsciousness we may almost say melancholy which is irresistibly droll, aided as it is by the effect of a figure singularly gaunt and lean and a face to match. And he has found an audience by whom his caustic humour is thoroughly appreciated. Not one of the odd plea santries slipped out with such imperturbable gravity misses its mark, and scarcely a minute elapses at the end of which the sedate Artemus is not forced to pause till the roar of mirth has subsided. There is certainly this foundation for an entente cordiale between the two countries calling themselves Anglo- Saxon, that the Englishman, puzzled by Yankee politics, thoroughly relishes Yankee jokes, though they are not in the least like his own. When two persons laugh together, they cannot hate each other much so long as the laugh continues. " The subject of Artemus Ward's lecture is a visit to the Mor mons, copiously illustrated by a series of moving pictures, not much to be commended as works of art, but for the most part well enough executed to give (fidelity granted) a notion of life as it is among the remarkable inhabitants of Utah. Nor let the connoisseur, who detects the shortcomings of some of these pictures, fancy that he has discovered a flaw in the armour of THE TIMES" NOTICE. 391 the doughty Aitemus. That astute gentleman knows their worth as well as anybody else, and while he ostensibly extols them, as a showman is bound to do, he every now and then holds them up to ridicule in a vein of the deepest irony. In one case a palpable error of perspective, by which a man is made equal in size to a mountain, has been purposely com mitted, and the snouts oi laughter that arise as soon as the ridiculous picture appears is tremendous. But there is no mirth in the face of Artemus ; he seems even deaf to the roar ; and when he proceeds to the explanation of the landscape, he touches on the ridiculous point in a slurring way that provokes a new explosion. " The particulars of the lecture we need not describe. Many accounts of the Mormons, more or less credible, and all au thenticated, have been given by serious historians, and Mr "W. H. Dixon, who has just returned from Utah to London, is said to have brought with him new stores of solid information. But to most of us Mormonism is still a mystery, and under those circumstances a lecturer who has professedly visited a country for the sake more of picking up fun than of sifting facts, and whose chief object it must be to make his narrative amusing, can scarcely be accepted as an authority. We will, therefore, content ourselves with stating that the lecture is entertaining to such a degree that to those who seek amuse ment its brevity is its only fault ; that it is utterly free from offence, though the opportunities for offence given by the subject of Mormonism are obviously numerous ; and that it is interspersed, not only with irresistible jokes, but with shrewd remarks, proving that Artemus Ward is a man of reflection, as well as a consummate humorist." 392 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. PICCADILLY. Every Night (except Saturday) at 8, SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 3. AMONG THE MORMONS. During the Vacation the Hall has been carefully Swept out, and a new Door-Knob has been added to the Door. MR AETEMUS WARD mil call on the Citizens of London, at their residences, and explain any jokes in his narrative which they may not understand. A person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of Bonnets, Cloaks, &c., during the Entertainment ; the Audience better leave their money, however, with Mr WARD ; he will return it to them in a day oj two, or invest it for them in America, as they may think best. ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 393 3" Nobody must say that he likes the Lecture unless he wishes to bo thought eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it unless he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it will amply repay perusal.) The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr WARD'S Narrative is rather worse than Panoramas usually are. Mr WARD will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. APPEARANCE OF ARTEMUS WARD. Who will be greeted with applause. gaT The Stall-keeper is particularly requested to attend to this. .Jggi When quiet has been restored, the Lecturer will present a rather frisky prologue, of about ten minutes in length, and of nearly the same width. It perhaps isn't necessary to speak of the depth. IL THE PICTURES COMMENCE HERE, the first one being a view of the California Steamship. Large crowd of citizens on the wharf, who appear to be entirely willing that ARTEMDS WARD shall go. " Bless you, Sir ! " they say. " Don't hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, if you want to ! " It was very touching. Disgraceful treatment of the passengers, who are obliged to go forward to smoke pipes, while the steamer herself is allowed 2 Smoke Pipes amid-ships. At Panama. A glance at Mexico. 394 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. III. The Land of Gold. Montgomery Street, San Francisco. The Gold Bricks. Street Scenes. " The Orphan Cabman, or The Mule Driver's Step-Father." The Chiueoc Theatre. Sixteen square yards of a Chinese Comic Song. IV. The Land of Silver. Virginia City, the wild young metropolis of the new Silver State. For tunes are made there in a day. There are instances on record of young men going to this place without a shilling poor and friendless yet by energy, intelligence, and a careful disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave there, owing hundreds of pounds. V. The Great Desert at Night. A dreary waste of sand. The sand isn't worth saving, however. Indiana occupy yonder mountains. Little Injuns seen in the distance trundling the;r war-whoops. VI. A Bird's-eye View of Great Salt Lake City. With some entirely descriptive talk. VII. Main Street, East Side. The Salt Lake Hotel, which is conducted on Temperance principles. The landlord sells nothing stronger than salt butter. VIII. The Mormon Theatre. The Lady of Lyons was produced here a short time since, but failed to satisfy a Mormon audience, on account of there being only one Pauline in it. The play was revised at once. It was presented the next night, with fifteen Paulines in the cast, and was a perfect success. f3T All these statements may be regarded as strictly true. Mr WARD would not deceive an infant. ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 395 IX. Main Street, West Side. This being a view of Main Street, West Side, it is naturally a view of die West Side of Main Street. X. Brigham Young's Harem. Mr Young is an indulgent father, and a numerous husband. For further particulars call on Mr WARD, at Egyptian HaU, any Evening this Week. This paragraph is intended to blend business with amusement. XL Heber C. Kimball's Harem. We have only to repeat here the pleasant remarks above in regard to Brigham. INTERMISSION OF FIVE MINUTES. XII. The Tabernacle. XIIL The Temple as it is. xrv. The Temple as it is to be. xv. The Great Salt Lake. 396 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. XVL The Endowment House. The Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of his faith here. The Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives are plural. XVIL Echo Canyon. XVHL The Desert, again. A more cheerful view. The Plains of Colorado. The Colorado Moun tains " might have been seen " in the distance, if the Artist had painted 'em. But he is prejudiced against mountains, because his uncle once got lost on one. XIX, Brigham Young and his wives. The pretty girls of Utah mostly marry Young. XX. The Rocky Mountains. XXL The Plains of Nebraska, XXII. The Prairie on Fire. ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 397 RECOMMENDATIONS. TOTXESS, Oct. 20th, 1866. Mr ARTEMUS WARD, My dear Sir, My wife was dangerously unwell for over sixteen years. She was so weak that she could not lift a teaspoon to her mouth. But in a fortunate moment she commenced reading one of your lectures. She got better at once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted the cottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it over on to her mother-in-law, with whom she had had some little trouble. We like your lectures very much. Please send me a barrel of them. If you should require any more recommendations you can get any number of them in this place, at two shillings each, the price I charge for this one, and I trust you may be ever happy. I am, Sir, Yours truly, and so is my wife, R. SPRINGERS. An American correspondent of a distinguished journal in Yorkshire thus speaks of Mr WARD'S power as an Orator: " It was a grand scene, Mr ARTEMUS WARD standing on the platform, talking ; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats ; others leaving the room and not returning ; others crying like a child at some of the jokes all, all formed a most impressive scene, and showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And when he announced that he should never lecture in that town again, the applause was absolutely deafening." Doors open at Half-past Seven, commence at Eight. Conclude at Half-past Nine. EVERY EVENING EXCEPT SATURDAY. SATURDAY AFTERNOONS AT 3 P.M. 398 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. ARTEMUS WARD, 5>& programme. Dodworth Hall, 8O6 Broadway. OPEN EVERY EVENING. 1 . Introductory. 2. The steamer Ariel en route. 3. San Francisco. 4. The Washoe Silver Region. 5. The Plains. 6. The City of Saints. 7. A Mormon Hotel. 8. Brigham Young's Theatre. 9. The Council-House. 10. The Home of Brigham Young. 11. Heber C. Kimball's Seraglio. 12. The Mormon House of Worship. 13. Foundations of the New Temple. 14. Architect's View of the Temple when finished. 15. The Great Dead Sea of the Desert. 16. The House of Mystery. 17. The Canon. 18. Mid- Air Sepulture. 19. A Nice Family Party at Brigham Young'a ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 399 It requires a large number of Artists to produce this Entertainment. The casual observer can form no idea of the quantity of unfettered genius that is soaring, like a healthy Eagle, round this Hall in connection with this Entertainment. In fact, the following gifted persons compose the Secretary of the Exterior . . . Mr E. P. Kingston. Secretary of the Treasury . . Herr Max Field, (Pupil of Signer Thomaso Jacksoni. ) Mechanical Director and Professor of Carpentry Signer G. Wilsoni. Crankist ....... Mons. Aleck. Assistant Crankist ..... Boy (orphan). Artists ..... Messrs Hilliard & Maeder. Reserved Chairists . . . Messrs Persee & Jerome. Moppist ...... Signorina 0' Flaherty- Broomist ..... Mile. Topsia de St Moke. Hired Man ....... John. Fighting Editor ..... Chevalier McArone. Dutchman . . By a Polish Refugee, named McFinnigin. Doortendist ...... Mons. Jacques Ridere. Gas Man . . . . Artemus Ward. This Entertainment will open with music. The Soldiers' Chorus from " Faust." ^" First time in this city. g$ Next comes a jocund and discursive preamble, calculated to show what a good education the Lecturer has. View the first is a sea-view. Ariel navigation. Normal school of whales in the distance. Isthmus of Panama. Interesting interview with Old Panama himself, who makes all the hats. Old Pan, is a likely sort of man. * * San Francisco. City with a vigilant government. Miners allowed to vote. Old inhabitants so rich that they have legs with golden calves to them. 400 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. Town in the Silver region. Good quarters to be found there. Playful population, fond of high-low-jack and homicide. Silver lying around loose. Thefts of it termed silver-guilt. The Plains in Winter. A wild Moor, like Othello. Mountains in the distance forty thousand miles above the level of the highest sea (Musiani's chest C included). If you don't believe this you can go there and measure them for yourself. Mormondom, sometimes called the City of the Plain, but wrongly ; the women are quite pretty. View of Old Poly Gamy's house, &c. The Salt Lake Hotel. Stage just come in from its overland route and retreat from the Indians. Temperance house. No bar nearer than Salt Lake sand-bars. Miners in shirts like Artemus Ward his Programme they are read and will wash. Mormon Theatre, where Artemus Ward lectured. Mormons like theatricals, and had rather go to the Play-house than to the Work house, any time. Private boxes reserved for the ears of Brother Brigham'a Intermission of Ji'&e fHtntttes. Territorial State-House. Seat of the Legislature. About as fair a col lection as that at Albany and we " can't say no fairer than that." Residence of Brigham Young and his wives. Two hundred souls with but a single thought, Two hundred hearts that beat as one. ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 401 * Seraglio of Heber C. Kimball. Home of the Queens of Heber. No re. atives of the Queen of Sheba. They are a nice gang of darlings. Mormon Tabernacle, where the men espouse Mormonism and the women espouse Brother Brigham and his Elders as spiritual Physicians, convicted of bad doct'rin. Foundations of the Temple. Beginning of a healthy little job. Templo to enclose all out-doors, and be paved with gold at a premium. The Temple when finished. Mormon idea of a meeting-house. N.B. It will be bigger, probably, than Dod worth Hall. One of the figures in the foreground is intended for Heber C. Kimball. You can see, by the expression of his back, that he is thinking what a great man Joseph Smith was. The Great Salt Lake. Water actually thick with salt too saline to sail in. Mariners rocked on the bosom of this deep with rock salt. The water isn't very good to drink. House where Mormons are initiated. Very secret and mysterious cere monies. Anybody can easily find out all about them though, by going out there and becoming a Mormon. Echo Canon. A rough bluff sort of affair. Great Echo. When Arte- mus Ward went through, he heard the echoes ot some things the Indiana said there about four years and a half ago. * * The Plains again, with some noble savages, both in the live and dead state. The dead one on the high shelf was killed in a Fratricidal Struggle. They are always having Fratricidal Struggles out in that line of country. It would be a good place for an enterprising Coroner to locate. 2 c 402 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. * * Brigham Young surrounded by his wives. These ladies are simply too numerous to mention. * ^y Those of the audience who do not feel offended with Artemus Ward are cordially invited to call upon him, often, at his fine new house in Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as you cross the Ferry, and may easily be distinguished from the other houses by its having a Cupola and a Mortgage on it. * * ^T Soldiers on the battle-field will be admitted to this Entertainment gratis. * * 1ST The Indians on the Overland Route live on Routes and Herbs. They are an intemperate people. They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them. * * Artemus Ward delivered Lectures before ALL THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE ever thought of delivering lectures. TICKETS 50 cents. RESERVED CHAIRS 1 doL Doors open at 7.30 P.M. ; Entertainment to commence at 8. tfcUr The Piano used is from the celebrated factory of Messrs CHICKER- ING & SONS, 653 Broadway. The Cabinet Organ is from the famous factory of Messrs MASON & HAMLIN, Boston, and is furnished by MASON BROTHERS, 7 Mercer Street, New York. AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD. 403 ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON, AND OTHER HUMOROUS PAPERS. INTRODUCTORY. " A ETEMUS WARD IN LONDON" is chiefly formed of a /Y. series of eight papers written for Punch by Mr Charles F. Browne (Artemus Ward) in the summer and autumn of 1866. Shortly after he arrived in this country Artemus Ward was engaged by Mr Mark Lemon to contribute to the leading comic journal of the metropolis. The articles were written when health was failing the writer, and when sad thoughts mingled with his most humorous fancies. The last two or three papers of the series were the result of considerable effort ; they were penned at a time when labour was irksome, and even to think was troublesome to the thinker. Hence they lack in that rollicking humour which characterised the writer's earlier efforts, but are rich in shrewd remark and genial sar casm. The paper entitled " A Visit to the British Museum " is the last published paper of Artemus Ward. The " sunny spring-time of my life," to which he refers in the concluding paragraph, had passed away from him for ever, and the winter of the grave was opening to his view. To write for Punch had been his ambition many years before he came to London. That ambition was realised ; but with its realisation came the accomplishment of his career " But the fair guerdon when we hope to find, And think to burst out into sudden blaze. Comes the blind fury with the abhorred shears, And slits the thin-spun life." 4 o8 INTRODUCTORY. The article entitled " Pyrotechny " first appeared in a Christ mas-annual bearing the name of The Five, Alls, edited by Mr Tom Hood, and published by Messrs Warne & Co. The humorous effusion to which the title of "The Negro Ques tion " is affixed was contributed to the Savage Club Papers, edited by Mr Halliday, and published by Messrs Tinsley. Both articles are here reprinted with the permission of the original publishers. E. P. H. ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON. ARRIVAL IN LONDON. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, You prob'ly didn't meet my uncle Wilyim when he was on these shores. I jedge so from the fack that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Com merce, which it has been trooly observed by a statesman, or somebody, is the foundation stone onto which a nation's greatness rests, glorious Commerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort. He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and redily commanded two pents a cake. I 'm the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a dear cuzzun who wrote 22 versis onto " A Child who nearly Died of the Measles, ! " but as he injoodi- ciously introjuced a chorious at the end of each stanzy, the parrents didn't like it at all. The father in particler wept afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, and said he never felt so ridicklus in his intire life. The onhappy result was that my cuzzun abandind poetry for ever, and went back to shoemakin, a shattered man. My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap, and returned to his nativ land with a very exolted opinyin of the British public. " It is a edycated community," said he ; " they 're a intellec- tooal peple. In one small village .alone 1 sold 50 cakes of soap, incloodin barronial halls, where they offered me a ducal coronet, but I said no give it to the poor." This was the *io ARRIVAL IN LONDON. way Uncle Wilyim went on. He told us, however, some stories that was rather too much to be easily swallerd. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not a emblem of trooth. He retired some years ago on a hansum comptency derived from the insurance-money he received on a rather shaky skooner he owned, and which turned up while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo havin fortnitly been remooved the day afore the dis- astriss calamty occurd. Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler things he ever heard of ; and, after collectin the insurance-money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm in Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by marriage only. I do not say that he wasn't a honest man. I simply say that if you have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells you it is more profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons instid of silver ones onto the table when that uncle dines with you in a frenly way I simply say, there is sumthun wrong in our social sistim, which calls loudly for reform. I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool, and proceeded at once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liverpool, because it was named after a countryman of mine who didn't get his living by makin mistakes, and whose mem'ry is dear to civilised peple all over the world, because he was gentle and good as well as trooly great. We read in Histry of any num ber of great individooals, but how few of 'em, alars ! should we want to take home to supper with us ! Among others, I would call your attention to Alexander the Great, who con- kered the world, and wept because he couldn't do it sum more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer, gettin tight every day afore dinner with the most disgustin reg'larity, causin his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed him in his early youth to a biskit- baker, or some other occupation of a peaceful and quiet char acter. I say, therefore, to the great men now livin (you could put 'em all into Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave room for a large and respectable concourse of rioters) be good. I say to that gifted but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be good ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 411 end gentle in your hour of triump. 7 always am. I admit that our lines is different Bismarck's and mine ; hut the same glor'us principle is involved. I am a exhihiter of startlin curiosity s, wax works, snaix, etsetry (" either of whom," as a American statesman whose name I ain't at liberty to mention for perlitercal resins, as he expecks to be a candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the rage and jelisy of other showmen " either of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission ") ; I say I am a exhibiter of startlin curi osity s, and I also have my hours of triump, but I try to be good in 'em. If you say, " Ah, yes, but also your hours of grief and misfortin ; " I answer, it is troo : and you prob'ly refer to the circumstans of my hirin a young man of dissypated habits to fix hisself up as A real Cannibal from New Zeelan, and when I was simply tellin the audience that he was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone and un assisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen, and that he had at one time even contemplated eatin his Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other near and dear relatives, when I was makin these simple statements, the mis'ble young man said I was a Iyer, and knockt me off the platform. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevily on me, and as he was a very musculer person, and wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a canary bird wasn't walkin over me. I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns, and I Ve been very careful ever since to deal square with the public. If I was the public I should insist on squareness, tho' I shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on the occasion jest mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum naberin coal mines. " As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old man," said one of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em a tall dis'greeble skoundril " as you seem to be out of Cannybals, we '11 sorter look round here and fix things. 412 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. Them wax figgers of yours want washin. There 's Napoleon Bonyparte aud Julius Caesar they must have a bath," with which coarse and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop of the western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin companyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let my wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agricultooral community. Leavin Liverpool (I 'm goin back there tho' I want to see the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while I was there), I cum to London in a 1st class car, passin the time very agreeable in discussin, with a countryman of mine, the cele brated Schleswig-Holstein question. We took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from the time it commenced being so down to the present day, when my countryman, at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I did. I told him that I did not. He 's at Ramsgate now, and I am to write him when I feel like givin him two days in which to discuss the question of negro slavery in America. But now I do not feel like it. London at last, and I 'm stoppin at the Green Lion tavern. I like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few triflin errers in regard to America he was under the impres sion, for instance, that we et hay over there, and had horns growin out of the back part of our heads but his chops and beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must cum and see me, and bring the boys. I 'm told that Garrick used to cum here; but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns. I 've had over 500 public - houses pinted out to me where Garrick went. I was indooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Britons, to visit sum 25 public- houses, and they confidentially told me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr Johnson. This won't do, you know. May be I've rambled a bit in this communycation. I'll PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 413 fcry and be more collected in my next, and meanwhile b'lieve me Trooly Yours, ARTEMUS WARD. II. PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. be glad to learn that I 've made a good impression onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Green Lion tavern. He made a speech about me last night. Blsin in the bar, he spoke as fellers, there bein over 20 individooals present : " This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any kind. (Hear, hear.} I find I can trust him with lited candles. He eats his wittles with a knife and fork. Peple of this kind should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth ! " (Loud 'plaws.) What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more clostly together ? The lan'lord said my speech was full of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was more safer, and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in doo time. I 'm gettin on exceedin well in London. I see now, how ever, that I made a mistake in orderin my close afore I left home. The trooth is, the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig, and I didn't see any other way of gettin my pay. Ten years ago these close would no doubt have been fash'nable, and perhaps they would be ekally sim'lar ten year hens. But now they 're differently. The taler said he know'd they was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about London fashins resr'lar. This was a infamua 4H PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. falsehood. But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'Pman in a new soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other night), Never don't let us Despise a Man because he wears a Eaggid Coat ! I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account of the pity which tears our boosums for his onhappy con dition. This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin thrust at them blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I 'd explain my meanin to you. I frekently have to explain the mean in of my remarks. I know one man and he 's a man of varid 'complishments who often reads my articles over 20 times afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skool- master to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she he- pecks me ; and the young man in our neighbourhood who said to me one evenin, as I was mistenin my diafram with a gentle cocktail at the village tavun who said to me in these very langwidge, " Go home, old man, onless you desires to have another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," prob'ly regrets havin said so. I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I permits no person to allood to her as B. J. outside of the family circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other observation I scorn and disgust, and I must polish you off." He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be ground to powder. I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy, nothin would 'ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye, causin me to make a rapid retreat into the fire-place. I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so well organised. But I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris style for my PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. ,115 time of life. His parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only elapst after the first act, when he was carried home on a shutter. His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said : " My son, I see how it is distinctually. You Ve been foolin round a Thrashin Masheen. You went in at the place where they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you got up into the thingamyjig, and let the horses tred on you, didn't you, my son ? " The pen of no livin Orthur could describe that disfortnit young man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and I went and nussed him till he got well. His reg'lar original father being absent to the war, I told him I 'd be a father to him myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I 'd already been wuss than two fathers to him. I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus avided, excep in extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right cheek I '11 turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he in- sinooates that my gran'mother wasn't all right, I '11 punch his hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and when ever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring, I 'm allus excessively tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has thus far been the case my only sorrer bein that t'other feller wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently with scullin boats, which is a manly sport; and I can only explain Mr Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact'ry to all. As I remarked afore, I 'm gettin on well. I 'm aware that I 'm in the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make me onhappy to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That 's all that ails him. 1 know there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I know 41 6 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. one man who says it is a shame and a disgraice that St Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss ; he says it should be years and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold myself respon sible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he's my countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with its full share of gibberin idyits, and it can't be helpt leastways I can't think of any effectooal plan of helpin it. I 'm a little sorry you Ve got politics over here, but I shall not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild omnibuss bosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I 've had quite enuff of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t' other night, and went to the great meetin for a few minits. I hadn't been in the hall long when a stern lookin artisan said to me : " You ar from Wales ? " No, I told him I didn't think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht over me. It was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, " Has my clothin a Welchy appearance ? " " Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And what is your opinyin of the present crisis ? " I said, " I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad 1 " He replied, " Sir, it is sweepin over England like a Cymoon of the Desert ! " " Wall," I said, " let it sweep ! " He ceased me by the arm and said, " Let us glance at hist'ry. It is now some two thousand years " " Is it, indeed 1 " I replied. "Listin!" he fiercely cried ; "it is only a little over two thousand years since " " Oh, bother ! " I remarkt ; " let us go out and git some beer." " No, sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I'll not move from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? " I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, con tains a elabrit description of my show. THE GREEN LION &> OLIVER CROMWELL. 417 " Now, sir," I proudly said, " you know me ? " " I sollumly swear," he sternly replied, " that I never heard tf you, or your show, in my life ! '' " And this man," I cried, bitterly, " calls hisself a intelligent man, and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler mockery ! " I 've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin if he wants to. It 's a pleasant amoosement, no doubt ; but there is those whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trusted with a ballit any more 'n one of my trained serpunts should be trusted with a child to play with. I went to the station with a view of returnin to town on the cars. " This way, sir," said the guard ; " here you ar." And he pinted to a first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther prepossessin female of 30 summers. " No, I thank you," I ernestly replied ; " I prefer to walk." I am, dear Sir, very respectivly yours, ARTEMUS WARD. III. THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROilWELL. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, It is now two weeks since a rayther strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green Lion. He stated he was from the celebrated United States, but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd to prefer sollytood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the garding, with his hed bowed down and his arms foldid across his brest. He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy Mr Holler, in the cheerful play of The Stranger. This man puzzled me. I 'd been puzzled afore several times, but never so severally 2P 4 i8 THE GREEN LION as now. Mine Ost of the Green Lion said I must interrogate this strange bein, who claimed to be my countryman. " He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he 's been in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look to you," he added, " to clear up this dark, this orful mistry ! " I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to con sider the mistry cleared up. I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin sweet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then returnin to the lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar, I said : " Sweet Eolando, don't tremble no more ! I Ve torn the marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the recesses of his inmost sole ! He 's a Trans-Mejim ! " I 'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin, and probly the drammer I saw affected me, because I 'm not in the habit of goin on as per above. I like the Beefanham theatre very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish. Thus, while your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained, how ever, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and who was accompanied by a gin bottle and a young infant I felt constraned to tell that mother, when her infant playfully mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair oil at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her orfspring was greasin me with. This riled the excellent female, and she said : " Git out ! you never was a infank yourself, I spose ! Oh, no ! You was too good to be a infank, you was ! You slid into the world all ready grow'd, didn't you 1 Git out ! " " No, madam," I replied, " I too was once a infant ! I was a luvly child. Peple used to come in large and enthoosiastic AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 49 crowds fi om all parts of the country to see me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the town to accommo date the peple who thronged to my cradle." Having finished these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on the worthy female. She said : " Drat you ! what do you come a-chaffin me for 1 " And the estymible woman was really gettin furis, when I mollyfied her by praisin her child, and by axin pardin for al] I 'd said. " This little gal," I observed, " this surprisingly luvly gal " when the mother said, " It 's t' other sect is he, sir ; it 's a boy." " Wall," I said, " then this little boy, whose eye is like a eagle a-soaring proudly in the azure sky, will some day be a man, if he don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this night, may grow up into a free and independent citizen, whose vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds, accordin as suffrages may range at that ioyus perid ! " Let us now return, jentle reader, to the lan'lord of the Green Lion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. Rubbin his hot face with a red hankercher, he said : " Is the strange bein a American ?" ' V' " " He is." " A Gen'ral 1 " ' No." "A Colonial?*' No." *' A Majer ? " " Not a Majer/' 'A Capting?'' " He is not." 420 fHE GREEN LION " Aleftenant?" " Not even that." " Then," said the lan'lord of the Green Lion, " you arc de- ceeved ! He is no countryman of yours." "Why not?" I said. " I will tell you, sir," said the lan'lord. " My son-in law is employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these shores goes to get his drafts casht, and he says that not one has arrived on these shores durin the last 18 months as wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a leftenant ! This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you ! He 's a im- postuer ! " I reeled into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At length I murmerd, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo ! Even I was a Capting of the Home Gards." " To be sure," said the lan'lord ; " you all do it, over there." " Wall," I said, " whatever nation this person belongs to, we may as well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is one of these spirit fellers a Trans-Mejim, and when he slings himself into a trans-state, he says the sperrits of departed great men talk through him. He says that to-night sev ril em'nent per sons will speak through him among others, Cromwell." " And this Mr Cromwell is he dead 1 " said the lan'lord. I told him that Oliver was no more. " It's a umbug," said the lan'lord ; to which I replied that we'd best go and see, and we went. We was late, on account of the lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public-house keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles dis tant, but we got there at last. The hall was about half full, and the Mejim was just then assumin to be Benjamin Franklin, who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable. He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that messiges could be sent to America, and there was no doubt about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by AND OLIVER CROMWELL 421 feteamer or canal-boat. It struck me that if this was Franklin, a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks particly. The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. 13ut they was well-behaved, and the females kept saying, " How beautiful ! What a surblime thing it is," et cetry, et cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the lan'lord of the Green Lion, whose frekent intervoos with other lan'lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his left eye on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovingly upon her, said : " You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth of gin cold gin. I take it cold, because " There was cries of " Silence ! Shame ! Put him out ! the Skoffer ! " "Ain't we at the Spotted Boar?" the lan'lord hoarsely whispered. " No," I answered, " it 's another kind of bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now." " Is he ? " said the lan'lord" is he 1 Wall, I Ve suthin to say, also. Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler ? " " Not that I ever heard," I anserd. " I 'm sorry for that," said the lan'lord with a sigh ; " but you think he was a man who would wish to see licensed vittlers respected in their rights ? " " No doubt." " Wall," said the lan'lord, "jest you keep a eye on me." Then rising to his feet he said, in a somewhat husky yet tol'bly distink voice, " Mr Crumbwell I " " Cromwell ! " I cried. " Yes, Mr Cromwell : that 's the man I mean, Mr Cromble 1 won't you please advise tJiat gen'l'man who you 're talkin through won't you advise 'm during your elekant speech to 422 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. settle his bill at my 'ouse to-night, Mr Crumbles," said the lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple ; " because if he don't, there '11 be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Green Lion, where I don't want no more of this everlastin nonsens. I'll talk through 'im. Here 's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile once more beamin on his face, " which will talk through him like a Dutch father ! I 'm the sperrit for you, young feller ! " "You're a helthy old sperret," I remarkt; and then I saw the necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yellin and screamin, and the men was hollerin perlice. A per- licemen really came and collerd my fat fren. " It 's only a fit, Sir Eichard," I said. I always call the perlice Sir Kichard. It pleases them to think I 'm the victim of a de- loosion ; and they always treat me perlitely. This one did, certainly, for he let us go. We saw no more of the Trans-Mejhn. It's dimkilt, of course, to say how long these noosances will be allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed for a answer, that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as long as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em. Am I right ? Yours faithfull, ARTEMUS WARD. IV. AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, I Ve been lingerin by the Tomb of the lamentid Shakspeare. It is a success. I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such. You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit. If you think its publication will subswerve the cause of littera- toor, you may publicate it. I told my wife Betsy when I left home that I should go to the birthplace of the orthur of Oiheller and other Plays. She AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 423 said that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care where I went. " But," I said, " don't you know he was the greatest Poit that ever lived ? Not one of these common poits, like that young idyit who writes verses to our daughter, about the Roses as growses, and the Breezes as blowses but a Boss Poit also a man who knew a great deal about everything." She was packing my things at the time, and the only an swer she made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of my red flannel nightcaps. Yes. I 've been to Stratford onto the Avon, the Birthplace of Shakspeare. Mr S. is now no more. He 's been dead over three hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, &c., make it prof'tible cherishin it. Almost everybody buys a pictur to put into their .Albiom. As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspeare is s'posed to have fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy (this spot cannot be bought the town authorities say it shall never be taken from Stratford), I wondered if three hundred years hence picturs of my birthplace will be in demand ] Yv ill the peple of my native town be proud of me in three hundred years ? I guess they won't short of that time, because they say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there was stuffed out with pillers and cushions, which he said one very hot day in July, " Oh bother, I can't stand this," and commenced pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and heavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to come chiselin my own townsmen in that way. I said, " Do not be angry, feller- citizens. I exhibited him simply as a work of art. I simply wished to show you that a man could grow fat without the aid of cod-liver oil." But they wouldn't listen to me. They are a low and grovoHn set of peple, who excite a 424 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. feelin of loathin in every brest where lorfty emotions and ori ginal idees have a bidin place. I stopped at Leamington a few minutes on my way to Strat ford onto the Avon, and a very beautiful town it is. I went into a shoe shop to make a purchis, and as I entered I saw over the door those dear familiar words, " By Appintment : H.RH. ; " and I said to the man, " Squire, excuse me, but thin is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot and shoe shops by Appintment : H.R.H. ; and now you 're at it. It is simply onpossible that the Prince can wear 400 pairs of boots. Don't tell me," I said, in a voice choked with emotion " Oh, do not tell me, that you also make boots for him. Say slippers say that you mend a boot now and then for him ; but do not tell me that you make 'em reg'lar for him." The man smilt, and said I didn't understand these things. He said I perhaps had not noticed in London that dealers in all sorts of articles was By Appintment. I said, " Oh, hadn't I ? " Then a sudden thought flasht over me. " I have it ! " I said. " When the Prince walks through a street, he no doubt looks at the shop windows." The man said, " No doubt." " And the enterprisin tradesman," I continnerd, " the moment the Prince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and has a tin sign painted, By Appintment : H.R.H. ! It is a beautiful, a great idee ! " I then bought a pair of shoe strings, and wringin the shop man's honest hand, I started for the Tomb of Shakspeare in a hired fly. It lookt, however, more like a spider. " And this," I said, as I stood in the old churchyard at Stratford, beside a Tombstone, " this marks the spot where lies "William W. Shakspeare. Alars ! and this is the spot where " " You 've got the wrong grave," said a man a worthy vil lager ; " Shakspeare is buried inside the church." " Oh," I said, " a boy told me this was it." The boy larfed A T THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 425 and put the shillin 1 d givin him into his left eye in a inglori ous manner, and commenced moving backwards towards the street. I pursood and captered him, and after talking to him a spell in a skarcastic stile, I let him went. The old church was damp and chill. It was rainin. The only persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentle man who was talking in a excited manner to a fashnibly-dressed young man. " No, Ernest Montressor," the old gentleman said, " it is idle to pursoo this subjeck no further. You can never marry my daughter. You were seen last Monday in Piccadilly without a umbreller ! I said then, as I say now, any young man as venturs out in a uncertain climit like this without a umbreller, lacks foresight, caution, strength of mind and stability; and he is not a proper person to intrust, a daughter's happiness to." I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder, and I said : " You 're right ! You 're one of those kind of men, you are " He wheeled suddenly round, and in a indignant voice, said, " Go way go way ! This is a privit intervoo." I didn't stop to enrich the old gentleman's mind with my conversation. I sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to listen to me, and so I went on. But he was right about the umbreller. I 'm really delighted with this grand old country, Mr Punch, but you must admit that it does rain rayther numerously here. Whether this is owing to a monerkal form of gov'ment or not, I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons to say. William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564. All the commentaters, Shaksperian scholars, etsetry, are agreed on this, which is about the only thing they are agreed on in re gard to him, except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. And there is no doubt if these commentaters and persons con- 426 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. tinner investigatin Shakspeare's career, we shall not, in doo time, know anything about it all. When a mere lad little William attended the Grammar School, because, as he said, the Grammar School wouldn't attend him. This remarkable remark, comin from one so young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there might be somethin in this lad. He subsequently wrote Hamlet and George Barnwell. When his kind teacher went to London to accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan Kailway, little William was chosen by his fellow-pupils to deliver a fare well address. " Go on, sir," he said, " in a glorus career. Be like a eagle, and soar, and the soarer you get the more we shall be gratified ! That 's so." My young readers, who wish to know about Shakspeare, better get these vallyable remarks framed. I returned to the hotel. Meetin a young married couple, they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Washington Irving used to keep. " I 've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord," said the lady. " We 've understood," said the young man, " that he busted up." I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away. They were from my country, and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty lie well somewhere in Pennsylvany. It's a common thing, by the way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some mornin and find ile squirtin all around his backyard. He sells out for 'normous price, and his children put on gorgeous har- ness and start on a tower to astonish peple. They succeed iu doin it. Meantime the Ile it squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on. Let it roll A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the Rsd Horse. Every admirer of the great S. must go there onco ccrtinly ; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equiv'lent to AS 1 INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 427 sayin one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient tinker. Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's poems. Mr C. had talent, but he couldn't spel. No man has a right to be a lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pity that Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He 's the wuss speller 1 know of. I guess I 'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is more mightier than the sword, but which, I 'm fraid, would stand a rayther slim chance beside the needle gun. Adoo 1 udoo ! ARTEMUS WARD. V. IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, It is seldim that the Com mercial relations between Great Britain and the United States is mar'd by Games. It is Commerce, after all, which will keep the two countries friendly to'ards each other rather than statesmen. I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single speech was encored during the entire session. Look at Congress but no, I 'd rather not look at Congress. Entertainin this great regard for Commerce, " whose sales whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise that a British sub- jock bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when he arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass nothin but saw-dust. I should have instantly gone into the City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to condem and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I 12* AS 1 INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. hadn't learned at the same time that the draft given by the British subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawd onto a Bankin House in London which doesn't have a exist ence, but far otherwise, and never did. There is those who larf at these things, but to me they merit rebooks and frowns. With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim who, as I 've before stated, is a uncle by marriage only, who is a low cuss, and filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin breakfast, given to him by my father, and made the clergy man as united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and when my father, on discoverin it, got in a rage and denounced him, Uncle Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent) hadn't any idee of first-class Humer ! with the exception of this wretched Uncle, the escutchin of my fam'ly has never been stained by Games. The little harmless deceptions I resort to in my perfeshion I do not call Games. They are sacrifisses to Art. I come of a very clever fam'ly. The Wards is a very clever fam'ly indeed. I believe we are descendid from the Puritins, who nobly fled from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody else from en joy in his. As I said before, we are a very clever fam'ly. I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin what a clever iam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop- winders. I Ve got some new close since you last saw me. I saw them others wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too far back into the dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum. The close I wear now I bo't of Mr Moses, in the Commercial Eoad. They were expressly made, Mr Moses informed me, for a nobleman ; but as they fitted him too muchly, partic'ly the trows'rs (which is blue, with large red and white checks), he had said : IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 429 " My dear feller, make me some more, only mind be sure you sell these to some genteel old feller." I like to saunter thro' Eegent Street. The shops are pretty, and it does the old man's heart good to see the troops of fine healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devouring cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and French lasses do. It 's a mistake about everybody being out of town, I guess. Regent Street is full. I 'm here ; and, as I said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly. As I was walking along, amoosin myself by stickin my pen knife into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accosted by a man of about thirty-five summers, who said, " I have seen that face somewheres afore ! " He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil. His coat was one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell have been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentle manly. " Was it in the Crimea, comrade ? Yes, it was. It was at the stormin of Sebastopol, where I had a narrow escape from death, that we met ! " I said, " No, it wasn't at Sebastopol. I escaped a fatal wound by not bein there. It was a healthy old fortress," I added. " It was. But it fell. It came down with a crash." "And plucky boys they was who brought her down," I added ; " and hurrah for 'em ! " The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had been in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and other towns, and he 'd never met a man he liked so much as he did me. " Let us," he added, " let us to the shrine of Bachus ! " And he dragged me into a public-house. I was determined to pay, so I said, "Mr Bachus, giv this gen'l'man what he calls for." 430 ?S INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner-time arrove, when the agree'ble gentleman insisted that I should dine with him. " We '11 have a banquet, sir, fit for the gods ! " I told him good plain vittles would soot me. If the gods wanted to have the dispepsy, they was welcome to it. We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines of rare and costly vintige. We had ices, and we had froots from Greenland's icy mountains and Injy's coral strands ; and when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agree'ble man said he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at home on the marble center-table. "But, by Jove!" he said, "it was a feast fit for the gods ! " I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss ; tho' I in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was there to pay for it. I come of a very clever fam'ly. The agree'ble gentleman then said, " Now I will show you our Club. It dates back to the time of William the Con queror." " Did Bill belong to it ? " I inquired. " He did." " Wall," I said, " if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other endorsement as to its respectfulness ; and I '11 go with you, my gay trooper boy ! " And we went off arm-in-arm. On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in evenin dress. He said it was agin the rools of the Club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin dress, he 'd be instantly expeld. " And yit," he added, "there's geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and intelleck. You '11 be surprised at the quantities of intelleck you '11 see there." We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they SS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 431 was a shaky-looking lot, and the public-house where they con vened was certingly none of the best. The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome. " What a beautiful brestpin you 've got," said one of 'em. " Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. " Isn't it luvly ? " he said, parsin it to another, who passed it to another. It was given me by my aunt, on my promisin her I'd never swear profanely ; and I never have, except on very special occasions. I see that beautiful boosum-pin a parsin from one Slosher to another, and I 'm reminded of them sad words of the poit, " parsin away ! parsin away ! " I never saw it no more. Then in comes a athletic female, who no sooner sees me than she utters a wild yell, and cries : " At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim, from the seas ! " I said, " Not at all, Marm. Not on no account. I have heard the boatswain pipe to quarters ; but a voice in my heart didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I 've belayed the marlin-spikes on the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much. Young woman, I am not you 're Saler boy. Far different." " Oh yes, you are !" she howled, seizin me round the neck. " Oh, how I Ve lookt forwards to this meetin ! " "And you'll presently," I said, "have a opportunity of lookin backwards to it, because I 'm on the point of leavin this institution." I will here observe that I come of a very clever fam'ly. A very clever fam'ly, indeed. " Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself from the eccentric female's claws, " where is the Cap ting the man who was into the Crimea, amidst the cannon's thunder ? L want him." He came forward, and cried, " What do I see? Me Sister ! me sweet Adulaicle ! and in teers ! Willin !" he screamed, " and you 're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed 433 THE TOWER OF LONDON. money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are you ? You ought to be ashamed of yourself." Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brcst- pin. Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street. It was about 12 at night when I reached the Green Lion. "Ha! ha ! you sly old rascal, you 've been up to larks !" said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my ribs. I said, " Bigsby, if you do that agin, I shall hit you ! Much as I respect you and your excellent fam'ly, I shall disfigger your beneverlent countenance for life !" " What has ruffled your spirits, friend ? " said the lan'lord. " My spirits has been ruffled," I ansered in a bittur voice, " by a viper who was into the Crimea. What good was it," I cried, " for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its ruins that viper?" I then went to bed. I come of a very clever fam'ly. ARTEMUS WARD. VI. THE TOWER OF LONDON. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, I skurcely need inform yon that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I found waitin at the gates the other mornin. I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. In the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more firmer than this one. " You have no Tower in America ? " said a man in the crowd, who had somehow detected my denomination. " Alars ! no," I anserd ; " we boste of our enterprise and THE TOWER OF LONDON. 433 improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onhappy country ! thou hast not got no Tower ! It 's a sweet Boon." The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist tickets, and went into a waitin-room. " My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, " this is a sad day." " Inasmuch as to how 1 " I said. " I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a tear ! " " No," I said, " you must excuse me. Others may drop one if they feel like it ; but as for me, I decline. The early managers of this institootion were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly orful ; but I can't sob for those who died four or five hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I couldn't. It 's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd durin the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnerd. " Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannil jackets. They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us 1 " A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's Gate, the armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuft to admit about twenty traters abrest, I should jedge ; but beyond this, I couldn't see that it was superior to gates in gen'ral. Traters, I will here remark, are a onfornit class of peple. If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a country they fail, and they 're traters. They bust her, and they become statesmen and heroes. Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who may be seen at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat take Mr Gloster's case. Mr G. was a conspirator of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr G. succeeded, and became great, 2E 434 THE TOWER OF LONDON. He was slewd by Col. Eichmond, but he lives in histry, and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in con junction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for the Warder's able and bootiful lectur. There 's one king in this room who is mounted onto a foamin steed, his right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't leaxu his name. The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cuttlery I notist the bow and arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and arrer used at this day by certain tribes of American Injuns, and they shoot 'em off with such a excellent precision that I almost sigh'd to be a Injun when I was in the Eocky Mountin regin. They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr Cooper and Dr Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said : " Brothers ! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers ! the sun is sinkin in the West, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers ! the poor red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink." He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all our blankets and whisky, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal hia emotions. I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they are in the main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the Fenians, and when I hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that every year " carries the noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I 'm glad of it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name of Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their Thomas- hawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower. At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a f.vry stuffed hoss, 1HE TOWER OF LONDON. 435 whose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red morocker nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of the royal burden he bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady. She 's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre, where Troo to the Core is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audiens the idee that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment he conkers that town. But a very interesting drammer is Troo to the Core, notwithstandin the eccentric con- duck of the Spanish Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet. The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews, throat-collars, &c., statin that these was con- kered from the Spanish Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them days which elissited from a bright- eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when we was in a Tower where so many poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder stammer and turn red. I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have kissed the dear child, and I would if she 'd been six years older. I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round, fiing'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth that I ex pected to see him choke hisself to death ; he said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy names on the cold walls, " This is a sad sight." " It is, indeed," I anserd. "You 're black in the face. You shouldn't eat sassige in public without some rehearsals before hand. You manage it orkwardly." " No," he said, " I mean this sad room." Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these 436 SCIENCE AND clrefful things happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife ; and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown like that. He told me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded 1 'd send her a genteel silver watch instid. And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang. I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of a four-wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a deep sigh as I gave him two shillings. "I'll give you six d.'s more," I said, " if it hurts you so." " It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin groan, " it 's only a way I have. My mind 's upset to-day. I at one time tho't I 'd drive you into the Thames. I 've been readin all the daily papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre, and my mind is totterin. It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into the Thames." I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good-bye. And then I tho't what a frollicsome day I 'd made of it. Respectably, &c., ARTEMUS WARD. VII. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, I was a little disapinted at not receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science Congress. NATURAL HISTORY. 437 I don't exackly see how they go on without me. I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood me from their delibrations. Let it pars. I do not repine. Let us remember Homer. Twenty cities claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr Homer couldn't have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of bitter beer, or words to that efleck. But perhaps it was a oversight. Certinly I have been hoss- pitably rec'd in this country. Hospitality has been pored all over me. At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks, which are nine miles long ; and I don't remember a instance since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a Briton comin and purlitely shuttin the door for me, and then extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, wel- cum me to England ? Doesn't he ? Oh yes I guess he doesn't he. And it's quite right among two great countries which speak the same langwidge, except as regards H's. And I 've been allowed to walk round all the streets. Even at Buckin- ham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there, and he said I could walk round there. I ascertained subsequent that he referd to the side walk instid of the Pallis but I couldn't doubt his hospital feelins. I prepared an Essy on Animals to read before the Social Science meetins. It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have successfully wrastled with. I tackled it when only nineteen years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Insti- toot entitled, "Is Cats to be trusted?" Of the merits of that Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that "whether we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of it, and we hope it will be read in other towns." Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a more finisheder production than the one on Cats, which was 438 SCIENCE AND wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I could not even punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe with pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its beauty is in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms. This was unexcusable, and I 'm surprised I did it. A writer who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop. You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some day when you have four hours to spare, I '11 read it to you. I think you '11 enjoy it. Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest omit all picturs in next week's Punch, and do not let your con tributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday ; they can go to the British Mooseum;) and publish my Essy intire. It will fill all your collumes full, and create comment. Does this proposition strike you 1 Is it a go ? In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had intended it should be the closin attraction. I had intended it should finish the proceedins. I think it would have finished them. I understand animals better than any other class of human creatures. I have a very animal mind, and I 've been identified with 'em doorin my entire perfessional career as a showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and serpunts. The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into con- tack with. It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the case of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive manner. In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell and kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over the head. This would make the children inside the booth scream with fright, which would make fathers of families outside the booth very anxious to come in because there is a large class of parents who have a uncontrollable passion for takin their children to places were they will stand a chance o* being frightened to death. NATURAL HISTORY. 439 One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which elissited a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, who said, " My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal. Rather fondle him." " I '11 fondle him with a club," I ansered, hitting him another whack. " I prithy desist," said the gentleman ; " stand aside, and see the effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncracies of these creeturs better than you do." With that he went up to the cage, and thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he said, soothingly, " Come hither, pretty creetur." The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion with. He said, " You vagabone, I '11 have you indicted for exhi- bitin dangerous and immoral animals." I replied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't meddle with their idiotsyncracies." The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure. As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interestin things, but they 're onreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once, who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry. But he often annoyed me. It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city, maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire dis tance that would have done credit to the celebrated French steed Gladiateur. Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this deteat ; and I said to iny Bear shortly after, as 440 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. I was givin a exhibition in Ohio I said, " Brewin, are you not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat?" His business was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a barrel orgin and a wiolin) playing slow and melancholly moosic. What did the grizzly old cuss do, however, but com mence darncin and larfin in the most joyous manner? I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for disloyalty. I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid Bear. I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur showing the Bear's fondness for his Master : in which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on my breast, the Band playing " Home, Sweet Home" very soft and slow. Altho' I say it, it was a tuchin thing to see. I 've seen Tax-Collectors weep over that performance. Well, one day I said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, we will now show you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid down. I tho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes, as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the scene which follerd. He laid down, and put his paw on my breast. " Affection of the bear for his Master," I repeated. " You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated state. Fierce as these animals natrally are, we now see that they have hearts, and can love. This bear, the largest in the world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me as a mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what was my horror when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw under me, and riz with me to his feet. Then claspin me in a close em brace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful manner, I yellin with fear and anguish. To make matters wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out : " Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick moosic ! " I jest 'scaped with my life. The Bear met with a wiolent death the next day, by being in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off by one of my men. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 441 But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social Science Meetins. It would have had a moving effeck on them. I feel that I must now conclood. I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we shall now hear from John Derby. I trust that not only they, but Win. E. Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to those great fundamental principles, which they understand far better than I do, and I will add, that I do not understand anything about any of them whatever in the least and let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrer the money to do it with. Very respectively yours, ARTEMUS WARD. VIII. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. MR PUNCH, MY DEAR SIR, You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a dreffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Kegent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful cramps, my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero. But by careful nussin I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather continners. [All of the foregoin is sarcasum.] It 's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyw on your excellent British Mooseum till the other day. T Ve sent a great many *42 A VISIT TO THE peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however. Jt happened thusiy : When one of my excellent countrymen, jest arrived in London, would come and see me, and display a inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would suggest a visit to the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at leest, and the Tower another. Thus I Ve derived considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metropolis. There 's my fren CoL Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't countenance such infamus things as occurd in this Tower. I 'm aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't so clear that the Col. is altogether right.. This is a very respectable age, but it 's pretty easily riled ; and considerin upon how slight a provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted whether our intellecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was, after all. I allus ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble parentage, but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the spirit of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four- wheeler, and I feel much eagler when I 'm in the open air. So on the mornin on which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian charger could go. The driver was under the in- fiooence of beer, and narrerly escaped runnin over a aged female in the match trade, whereupon I remonstratid with him. I said : " That poor old woman may be the only mother of a young BRITISH MUSEUM. 443 man like you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I said, " You have a mother 1 " He said, " You lie ! " I got down and called another cab, but said nothin to this driver about his parents. The British Mooseum is a magnif cent free show for the people. It is kept open for the benefit of all. The humble costymonger, who traverses the busy streets with a cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jackass he can go to the Mooseum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of high degree. " And this," I said, " is the British Mooseum ! These noble walls," I continnerd, punching them with my umbreller to see if the masonry was all right but I wasn't allowd to finish my enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls. I told him I would do so by all means. " You see," I said, taking hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and drawin him close to me in a confidential way, " you see, I 'm lookin round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it." Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks, which was made in a goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away. I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the gorillers in terested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, altho' they are not allowed to vote. In this department is one or two superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but I 've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long distance of his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it is vile stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it only 444 A VISIT TO THE shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what 's good \ but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely aa though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin to the devil I know of. I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mummys, the Greek vasis, etc., but it occurrd to me there was rayther too many " Eoman antiquity s of a uncertin date." Now, I like the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all " of a un certin date," I 'm at a loss to 'zackly determin whether they are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is a Eoman jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm me with emotions. Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubt less vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London, Chatham, and Dover Eailway, a man doesn't want too many of them. I was debarred out of the great readin-room. A man told me I must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get somebody to testify that I was respectable. I 'in a little fraid I shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a bene- verlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that would do me any good. A thought struck me. " I refer you to Mr Punch" I said. " Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, " you have done it now ! You stood some chance before." I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so you can denounce him in the present number of your excel lent journal The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A ycung yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with silent admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a BRITISH MUSEUM. 445 horrible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head with a hayfork ; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a changed bein. I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to some talented sculpist. " I feel," I said, " that this a dooty I owe to posterity." He said it was hily prob'l, but he was inclined to think that the British nation wouldn't care to enrich the Mooseum with a bust of me, altho' he venturd to think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheerfully by Madam Tussaud, who would give it a prom'nent position in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was very polite, and I thankt him kindly. After visitin the Eefreshment-room, and partakin of half a chicken " of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through the animal room, I observed with pane that a benevolint per. son was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did not feel called on to remonstrate with him, any more than I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behind the Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me back to the sunny spring-time of -my life. I 'm in the shear and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through me like follin off the roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentle hand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did ma good. Trooly yours, ARTEMUS WARD. 446 PYROTECHNY. IX. rVROTECHNY. I. THE PEACEFUL HAMLET. NESTLING among the grand hills of New Hampshire, in tine United States of America, is a village called Waterbury. Perhaps you were never there. I do not censure you if you never were. One can get on very well without going to Waterbury. Indeed, there are millions of meritorious persons who were never there, and yet they are happy. In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named PettingilL Reuben Pettingill. He was an agriculturist. A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist. He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet. He said it was better than a noisy Othello. Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first-class manner. II. MYSELF. I write this romance in the French style. Yes : something that way. The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs as possible. Thus one may fill up a column in a very short time. I am paid by the column, and the quicker I can fill up a column but this is a matter to which we will not refer. We will let this matter pass. HI. PETTINGILL. Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious. P YRO TECHNY. 447 He worked hard all the year round on his father's little farm. Eight he was ! Industry is a very fine thing. It is one of the finest things of which we have any know ledge. Yet do not frown, " do not weep for me," when I state that I don't like it. It doesn't agree with me. I prefer indolence. I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labour, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for nume rous more months. This should not surprise you. Nothing that a modern novelist does should excite astonish ment in any well-regulated mind. IV. INDEPENDENCE DAY. The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, and processions, and banners, and all those things. You know why we celebrate this day. The American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps one of the finest revolutions that was ever seen. But I have not time to give you a full history of the American Revolution. It would consume years to do it, and I might weary you. One 4th of July, Reuben Pettingill went to Boston. He saw great sights. He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the banners, and, above all, he saw the fireworks. I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks " licked " him. A new world was opened to this youm man. 4 4 8 PYROTECHNY. He returned to his parents and the little farm among the hills, with his heart full of fireworks. He said. " I will make some myself." He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach. He was an extraordinarily skilful young man in the use of a common clasp-knife. With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood, horses, dogs, cats, &c. He carved excellent soldiers also. I remember his masterpiece. It was " Napoleon crossing the Alps." Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of Alps. An Alp or two more would have improved it : but, as a whole, it was a wonderful piece of work ; and what a wonder ful piece of work is a wooden man, when his legs and arms ar<* all right. V. WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID. He said, " I can make just as good fireworks as them in Boston." " Them " was not grammatical, but why care for grammar as long as we are good ? vi. THE FATHER'S TEARS. Pettingill neglected the farm. He said that it might till itself he should manufacture some gorgeous fireworks, and exhibit them on the village green on the next 4th of July. He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their humble roof ere many months should pass away. " If he does," said old Mr Pettingill, " we must shoot him, and bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of meat, my son, if you iio on in this lazy war." P YRO TECHNY. 449 And the old man wept. He shed over 120 gallons of tears. That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let us avoid turning this romance into a farce. VII. PYROTECHNY. But the headstrong young man went to work making firc- works. He bought and carefully studied a work on pyrotechny. The villagers knew that he was a remarkably skilful young man, and they all said, " We shall have a great treat next 4th of July." Meanwhile Pettingill worked away. VIII. THE DAY. The great day came at last. Thousands poured into the little village from far and near There was an oration, ox" course. IX. ORATORY IN AMERICA. Yes ; there was an oration. We have a passion for oratory in America political oratory chiefly. Our political orators never lose a chance to " express their views." They will do it. You cannot stop them. There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff, before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him if he had any remarks to make ? " If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows " if our ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech 450 PYROTECHNY. and is in no hurry, I should like to avail myself of the present occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a new pro tective tariff I " x. PETTINGILL'S FIREWORKS. As I said in Chapter VIII., there was an oration. There were also processions, and guns, and banners. " This evening," said the chairman of the committee of ar rangements, " this evening, fellow-citizens, there will be a grand display of fireworks on the village green, superintended by the inventor and manufacturer, our public-spirited towns man, Mr Reuben Pettingill." Night closed in, and an immense concourse of people gathered on the village green. On a raised platform, amidst his fireworks, stood Pettingill. He felt that the great hour of his life was come, and, in a firm, clear voice, he said : " The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, which will go up in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint." He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up in the air, it flew wildly down into the grass, running some distance with a hissing kind of sound, and causing the masses to jump round in a very insane manner. Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened. He tried again. " The next fireworks," he said, " will go up in the air, bust, and become a beautiful revolvin wheel." But, alas ! it didn't. It only ploughed a little furrow in the green grass, like its unhappy predecessor. The masses laughed at this, and one man a white-haired old villager said, kindly but firmly, "Reuben, I'm 'fraid you don't understand pyrotechny." Reuben was amazed. Why did his rockets go down instead of up i But, perhaps, the others would be more successful; PYROTECHNY. 451 and, with a flushed face, and in a voice scarcely as firm as before, he said : " The next specimen of pyrotechny will go up in the air, bust, and become a eagle. Said eagle will soar away into the western skies, leavin a red trail behind him as he so soars." But, alas ! again. No eagle soared ; but, on the contrary, that ordinarily proud bird buried its head in the grass. The people were dissatisfied. They made sarcastic remarks. Some of them howled angrily. The aged man, who had before spoken, said : " No, Keuben, you evidently don't understand pyrotechny." Pettingill boiled with rage and disappointment. " You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses shouted. Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some un- feelin lads threw dirt at our hero. " You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses yelled again. " Don't I ? " screamed Pettingill, wild with rage ; " don't you think I do ? " Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a box of powder, and touched the whole off. This rocket went up. It did indeed. There was a terrific explosion. No one was killed, fortunately, though many were injured. The platform was almost torn to pieces. But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettin gill, his face flashing with wild triumph ; and he shouted, " If I 'm any judge of pyrotechny, that rocket has went off." Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been taken close off in the explosion, he added, " And I ain't so dreadful certain but four of my fingers has went off with it, because I don't see 'em here now I " 452 THE NEGRO QUESTION. X. THE NEGRO QUESTION. I WAS sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when two middle aged and stern-looking females and a young and pretty female suddenly entered the room. They were accom panied by two umberellers and a negro gentleman. " Do you feel for the down-trodden ? " said one of the females, a thin-faced and sharp voiced person in green spec tacles. " Do I feel for it ?" ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice "do I feel for it?" " Yes ; for the oppressed, the benighted ? " " Inasmuch as to which 1 " said the lan'lord. " You see this man ? " said the female, pintin her umbrellei at the negro gentleman. " Yes, marm, I see him." " Yes ! " said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high pitch, " you see him, and he 's your brother ! " " No, I 'm darned if he is ! " said the lan'lord, hastily retreating to his beer-casks. " And yours ! " shouted the excited female, addressing me. " He is also your brother ! " " No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. " The nearest we come to that colour in our family was the case of my brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but they finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the present time, he hasn't a solitary jander." " Look at this man ! " screamed the female. I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed, comfortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heave three or four good meals a day into him without a murmur. " Look at that down-trodden man ! " cried the female. " Who trod on him 1 " I inquired. THE NEGRO QUESTION. 453 " Villains ! despots ! " " Well," said the lan'lord, " why don't you go to the willins about it ? Why do you come here tellin us niggers is our brothers, and brandishin your umbrellers round us like a lot of lunytics 1 You 're wuss than the sperrit-rappers ! " " Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a quieter sort of person, " have you no sentiment no poetry in your soul no love for the beautiful ? Dost never go into the green fields to cull the beautiful flowers 1 " " I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry voice, " but I '11 bet you five pound you can't bring a man as dares say I durst." " The little birds," continued the female, " dost not love to gaze onto them 1 " " I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou ! " I humorously sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty young woman. " Don't you look in that way at my dawter ! " said female No. 1, in a violent voice ; " you 're old enough to be her father." " 'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. " You behold in me an emblem of innocence and purity. In fact, I start for Rome by the first train to-morrow to sit as a model to a celebrated artist who is about to sculp a statue to be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculper would send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was over flowing with innocency 1 Don't make a error about me." " It is my opinyn," said the leading female, " that you 're a scoffer and a wretch ! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded state than the poor negroes' we are seeking to aid. You are a groper in the dark cellar of sin. sinful man J ' There is a sparkling fount, Come, coine, and drink.' No : you will not come and drink." 454 THE NEGRO QUESTION. " Yes, he will," said the landlord, " if you '11 treat. Jest try him." " As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, " you 're a degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to." " This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister ! " cried the lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered which goak, he gave a low rumblin larf, and relapst into silence. " My colored fren," I said to the negro, kindly, " what is it all about?" He said they was trying to raise money to send missionariea to the Southern States in America to preach to the vast numbers of negroes recently made free there. He said they were without the gospel. They were without tracts. I said, " My fren, this is a seris matter. I admire you for trying to help the race to which you belong, and far be it from me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks of the South. Let them go to them by all means. But I happen to individually know that there are some thousands of liberated blacks in the South who are starvin. I don't blame anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last winter, and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux. Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the gospel, the idea is really a excellent one. If, on the t'other hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is that it 's a hard case for the niggers. If you expect a colored person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck is empty, you expect too much." I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kind- hearted lan'lord did the same. I said : " Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 455 But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while his stummuck yearns for vittles. And you, ladies I hope you are ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home, as you seem to help the poor and unfortunate abroad." When they had gone, the lan'lord said, " Come into the garden, Ward." And we went and culled some carrots for dinner. XI. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. [The following fragment from the pen of Artemus Ward was written in the last days of his illness, and was found amongst the loose papers on the table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dying jester, and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humour which even extreme exhaustion and the near approach of death itself could not wholly destroy. There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when he was just upon the point of dying, his friend Mr F. 0. Ward visited him, and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts of the metropolis in his capacity as a sanitory commissioner. " Pray desist," said Hood; " your anecdotes give me the back-slum-bayo." The proximity of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his power to jest than it could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left him to joke upon, when he could no longer seek fun in the city streets, or visit the Tower of London and call it " a sweet boon," his own shattered self suggested a theme for jesting. He commenced this paper " On Health." The pur port of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally ; for Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had some good reason for being so. A few weeks before he died a German physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the larynx. Another physician told him that he had heart disease, and a third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged two or three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoiseshell for medicine, to perfectly recover 1 Every doctor made a different diagnosis, and each had a different specific. One alone of the many physicians to whom Artemus applied seemed to be fully aware that the poor patient was dying of consumption in its most formid 456 ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. able form. Not merely phthisis, but a cessation of functions and a wasting away of the organs most concerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw how much the doctors were at fault, and used to smile at them with a sadly scornful smile as they left the sick-room. " I must write a paper," Baid he, " about health and doctors." The few paragraphs which follow are, I believe, all that he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter became too serious to him for further jesting, or whether his hand became too weak to hold the pen, I cannot say. The article terminates as abruptly as did the life of its gentle, kind, ill-fated author. E. P. H.] ONTIL quite recent, I 've bin a helthy individooal. I 'm near 60, and yit I've got a muskle into my arms which don't make my fists resemble the tread of a canary bird when they fly out and hit a man. Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in a b'ildin which had form'ly bin ockepied by a pugylist one of them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly art of self-defens. And he cum and sed he was goin in free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a large yeller dog. I sed, " To be sure, sir, but not with those yeiler dog." He sed, "Oh, yes." I sed, "Oh, no." He sed, " Do you want to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs ; but he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I went for him energet'cally. His parents lived near by, and I will simply state that 15 minits after I'd gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form of her son approachin the house onto a shutter carrid by four men, run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, " My son, you 've bin foolin round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they put the grain in. come out with the straw, and then got up in the thingumajig and let the hosses tred on you, didn't you, my son 1 " You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when I'm angry. But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly. A FRAGMENT. 457 The Wards has allus bin noted for helthincss. The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was Abijah Ward and his wife, Abygil Ward, who came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower. Most of the Pilgrims was sick on the passige, but my ancestor wasn't. Even when the tem- pist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and my ancestor sed he wouldn't hav b'leeved sech wickedness could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass of new gin. It will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a commercial mind. My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in life has bin vari's. XII. A tRAGMENT. [Among the papers, letters, and miscellanea left on the tabl.^ of poor Ward was found the fragment which follow*. Diligent search failed to discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it consists of part cf a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England. To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's favourite ideas ; and another favourite one was to travel on the Continent and compile a comic Murray's Guide, No interest attaches to this mere scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would have attempted had his life been longer. ] 458 A FRAGMENT. AT North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the little house by the railside, where they sell such immense quantities of sponge-cake, which is very sweet and very yellow, but which lies rather more heavily on the stomach than raw turnips, as I ascertained one day from actual experience. This is not stated because I have any spite against this little house by the railside. Their muice-pies are nobly made, and their apple-pies are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be a very pretty girl at this house, and one day, while I was struggling rapidly with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortu nate as to wink slightly at her. The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that he " expected " he could lick any party who winked at her. A cursory examination of his frame con vinced me that he could lick me with disgusting ease, so I told him it was a complaint of the eyes. " They are both so," I added, " and they have been so from infancy's hour. See here!" And I commenced winking in a frightful manner. I escaped, but it was inconvenient for me for some time after wards, because whenever I passed over the road I naturally visited the refreshment house, and was compelled to wink in a manner which took away the appetites of other travellers, and one day caused a very old lady to state, with her mouth full of sponge-cake, that she had cripples and drunkards in her family, but, thanks to the heavens above, no idiots without any control over their eyes, looking sternly at me as she spoke. That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident. I trust that my unblemished character but I will not detain you further with this sad affair. * * * * * AUTEMUS WARD ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. From ihe " Cleveland Plain Dtakr? THE following newspaper scraps and sketches are the earliest writings of Artemus Ward that have been collected and pre served. They originally appeared in a paper called The Cleveland Plain Dealer, published at Cleveland, in Ohio. At the time of writing them the Author had not created his old showman of Baldinsville. He was a mere youth, employed as reporter and assistant editor on the paper. The articles appeared in various copies of the Plain Dealer during the years 1859 and 1860. ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE. CHAPTER I. " Life 's but a walking shadow a poor player." Shaketpeare. " Let me die to sweet music." /. W. Shuckers. ' /^^ forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence to the bleak world, VJT dog ! You have repaid my generosity with the blackest ingratitude. You have forged my name on a five thousand dollar check have repeatedly robbed my money- drawer have perpetrated a long series of high-handed villanies, and now to-night, because, forsooth, I '11 not give you more money to spend on your dissolute companions, you break a chair over my aged head. Away ! You are a young man of small moral principle. Don't ever speak to me again ! " These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one of the merchant princes of New York city. He spoke to Clarence Stanley, his adopted son. and a beautiful youth of nineteen summers. In vain did Clarence plead his poverty, his tender age and inexperience ; in vain did he fasten those lustrous blue eyes of his appealingly and tearfully upon Mr Blinker, and tell him he would make the pecuniary matter all right in the fall, and that he merely shattered a chair over his head by way of a joke. The stony hearted man was remors^- 462 RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. less, and that night Clarence Stanley became a wanderer in the wide, wide world 1 As he bent forth he uttered these words : "H. Blinker, beware! A EED HAND is around, my fine feller!" CHAPTER II. " a man of strange, wild mien one who has seen trouble." Sif Walter Scott. " You ask me, Don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and broken up ? I answer, Never, never, NEVER ! " H. W. Faxon. " They will join our expedition." Anon. " Go in on your muscle." President Buchanan's instructions to the Col' lector of Toledo. "Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way." George N. True. " Whera liberty dwells there is my kedentry." 0. R. Dennett. Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moisfc ocean of eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter occurred. We are in Mexico. Come with me to the Scar* let Banditti's cave. It is night. A tempest is raging temper tuously without, but within we find a scene of dazzling magni ficence. The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold hang up suspended round the gorgeously furnished room, and the marble floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds. It must have cost between two hundred dollars to fit this cave up. It embraced all the modern improvements. At the head of the cave life-size photographs (by Ryder) of the bandits, and framed in gilt, were hung up suspended. The bandits were seated around a marble table, which was sculped regardless of expense, and were drinking gin and molasses out of golden goblets. When they got out of gin, fresh supplies were brought in by slaves from a two-horse waggon outside, which had been captured that day, after a desperate and bloody struggle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena Vista. RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 463 At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were Evvarthy but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new clothes, and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about him which would at once rivet the gaze of folks gene rally. In answer to a highly enthusiastic call he arose and delivered an able and eloquent speech. We regret that our space does not permit us to give this truly great speech in full we can merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks : " Comrades ! listen to your chief. You all know my position on Lecompton. Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is equally clear to you, and so with the Central American question. I believe I understand my little Biz. I decline defining my position on the Horse Rail road until after the Spring Election. Whichever way I says I don't say so myself unless I say so also. Comrades ! be virtuous and you '11 be happy." The Chief sat down amidst great applause, and was immediately presented with an elegant gold-headed cane by his comrades, as a slight testimonial of their respect. CHAPTER HI. "This is the last of earth." Page. " The hope of America lies in its well-conducted school-houses." Bone. " I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to be fjeserved." N. T. Nash. " Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infinitim E Unibufi plurum. ' ' Brown. Two hours later. Eeturn we again to the Banditti's Cave. Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient bandits. A knock is heard at the door. From his throne at the head of the table the Chief cries : " Come in ! " And an old man, haggard, white-haired, arid sadly bent, enters the cave. 464 RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. '' Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, " for seventeen years I have not tasted of food ! " " Well," says a kind-hearted bandit, " if that 's so I expect you must be rather faint. We '11 get you up a warm meal immediately, stranger." " Hold ! " whispered the Chief in tones of thunder, and rushing slowly to the spot ; " this is about played out. Be hold in me EED HAND, the Bandit Chief, once Clarence Stanley, whom you cruelly turned into a cold world seventeen years ago this very night ! Old man, prepare to go up ! " Saying which the Chief drew a sharp carving-knife and cut off Mr Blinker's ears. He then scalped Mr B., and cut all of his toes off. The old man struggled to extricate himself from his unpleasant situation, but was unsuccessful. " My goodness ! " he piteously exclaimed, " I must say you are pretty rough. It seems to me " This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be pub lished in the Plain Dealer. The remainder of it may be found in the great moral family paper, The Windy Flash, published in New York, by Stimpkins. The Windy Flash circulates 4,000,000 copies weekly. IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.* IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. IT ; S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. * A burlesque on the style in which advertisements were set up by one of the newspapers of New York. LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 465 IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. IT 'S A MORAL PAPER, IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. II. THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES A DUEL IN CLEVELAND DISTANCE TEN PACES BLOODY RESULT FLIGHT OF ONE OF THE PRIN CIPALS FULL PARTICULARS. A FEW weeks since a young Irishman named Culkins wandered into Cleveland from New York. He had been in America only a short time. He overflowed with book learning, but was mournfully ignorant of American customs, and as innocent and confiding withal as the Babes in the Wood. He talked much of his family, their commanding position in Connaught> Ireland, their immense respectability, their chivalry, and all that sort of thing. He was the only representative of that mighty race in this country. "I'm the last of the Culkinses ! " he would frequently say, with a tinge of romantic sadness, meaning, we suppose, that he would be the last when the elder Culkins (in the admired language of the classics) " slipped his wind." Young Culkins proposed to teach Latin, Greek, Spanish, Fardown Irish, and perhaps Choctaw, to such youths as desired to become thorough linguists. He was not very successful in this line, and concluded to enter the office of a prominent law firm on Superior Street as a student. He dove 2 G 456 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. among the musty and ponderous volumes with all the enthusi asm of a wild young Irishman, and commenced cramming his head with law at a startling rate. He lodged in the back room of the office, and previous to retiring he used to sing the favourite ballads of his own Emerald Isle. The boy who was employed in the office directly across the hall used to go to the Irishman's door and stick his ear to the key-hole with a view to drinking in the gushing melody by the quart or per haps pailful. This vexed Mr Culkins, and considerably marred the pleasure of the thing, as witness the following : " come to me when daylight sets. [What yez doing at that door, yer d d spalpane f] Sweet, then come to me ! [I '11 twist the nose off yez presently, me honey !] When softly glide our gondolettes [Bedad, I '11 do murther to yez, young gintlemin !] O'er the moonlit sea." Of course, this couldn't continue. This, in short, was rather more than the blood of the Culkinses could stand, so the young man, through whose veins such a powerful lot of that blood courses, sprang to the door, seized the eavesdropping boy, drew him within, and commenced to severely chastise him. The boy's master, the gentleman who occupied the office across the hall, here interfered, pulled Mr Culkins off, thrust him gently against the wall, and slightly choked him. Mr Culkins bottled his furious wrath for that night, but in the morning he uncorked it and threatened the gentleman (whom for con venience sake we will call Smith) with all sorts of vengeance. He obtained a small horsewhip and tore furiously through the town, on the look-out for Smith. He sent Smith a challenge, couched in language so scath- THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 467 ingly hot that it burnt holes through the paper, and when it reached Smith it was riddled like an old-fashioned milk- strainer. No notice was taken of the challenge, and Calkins' wrath became absolutely terrific. He wrote handbills, which he endeavoured to have printed, posting Smith as a coward. He wrote a communication for the New Herald, explaining the whole matter. (This wasn't very rich, we expect.) He urged us to publish his challenge to Smith. Somebody told him that Smith was intending to flee the city in fear on an afternoon train, and Culkins proceeded to the depot, horsewhip in hand, to lie in wait for him. This was Saturday last. During the afternoon Smith concluded to accept the challenge. Seconds and a surgeon were selected, and we are mortified to state that at 10 o'clock in the evening Scanton's Bottom was desecrated with a regular duel. The frantic glee of Culkins when he learned his challenge had been accepted can't be described. Our pen can't do it a pig-pen couldn't. He wrote a long letter to his uncle in New York, and to his father in Con- naught. At about ten o'clock the party proceeded to the field. The moon was not up, the darkness was dense, the ground was unpleasantly moist, and the lights of the town, which gleamed in the distance, only made the scene more desolate and dreary. The ground was paced off and the men arranged. While this was being done, the surgeon, by the light of a dark lantern, arranged his instruments, which consisted of 1 common hand saw, 1 hatchet, 1 butcher knife, a large variety of smaller knives, and a small mountain of old rag. Neither of the prin cipals exhibited any fear. Culkins insisted that, as the chal lenging party, he had the right to the word fire. This, after a bitter discussion, was granted. He urged his seconds to place him facing towards the town, so that the lights would be in his favour. This was done without any trouble, the im mense benefits of that position not being discovered by Smith's eecond. " If I fall," said Culkins to his second, " see me respectably 468 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. buried and forward bill to Connaught. Believe me, it will be cashed." The arms (horse-pistols) were given to the men, and one of Culkins' seconds said : " Gentlemen, are you ready 1 " SMITH. Eeady. CULKINS. Eeady. The blood of the Culkinses is aroused ! SECOND. One, Two, Three fire ! Culkins' pistol didn't go off. Smith didn't fire. " That was generous in Smith not to fire," said a second. " It was inDADE," said Culkins ; " I did not think it of the low-lived scoundrel ! " The word was again given. Crack went both pistols simul taneously. The smoke slowly cleared away, and the principals were discovered standing stock-still. The silence and stillness for a moment were awful. No one moved. Soon Smith was seen to reel and then to slowly fall. His second and the sur geon rushed to him. Culkins made a tremendous effort to i\y from the field, but was restrained by his seconds. " The honour of the Culkinses," he roared, " is untarnished why the divil won't yez let me go ? H ll's blazes, men, will yez be after giving me over to the bailiffs ? Docther, Docther ! " he shouted, " is he mortally wounded 1 " The doctor said he could not tell that he was wounded in fche shoulder that a carriage would be sent for and the wounded man taken to his house. Here a heart-rending groan came from Smith, and Culkins, with a Donnybrook shriek, burst from his seconds, knocked over the doctor's lantern, and fled towards the town like greased lightning amidst a chorus of excited voices. " Hold him ! " " Stop him ! " " Grab him by the coat-tails ! " " Shoot him ! " " Head him off ! " And half of the party started after him at an express-train THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 469 rate. There was some very fine running indeed. Culkins was brought to a sudden stop against a tall board fence, but he sprang back and cleared it like an English hunter, and tore like a lunatic for the city. Half an hour later the party might have been seen, if it hadn't been so pesky dark, groping blindly around the office in which Culkins had been a student at law. " Are you here, Culkins ? " said one. " Before Culkins answers that," said a smothered voice in the little room, " tell me who yez are." " Friends your seconds ! " " Gintlemin, Culkins is here. The last of the Culkinses is under the bed." He was dragged out. " I hope," he said, " the ignoble wretch is not dead, but I call you to witness, gintlemin, that he grossly insulted me." [We don't care what folks say, but choking a man is a gross insult. Ed. P.D.] He was persuaded to retire. There was no danger of his being disturbed that night, as the watch were sleeping sweetly as usual in the big arm-chairs of the various hotels, and he would be able to fly the city in the morning. He had a hag gard and worn-out look yesterday morning. Two large bailiffs, he said, had surrounded the building in the night, and he had not slept a wink. And to add to his discomfiture his coat was covered with a variegated and moist mixture, which he thought must be some of the brains of his opponent, they having spat tered against him as he passed the dying man in his flight from the field. As Smith was not dead (though the surgeon said he would be confined to his house for several weeks, and there was some danger of mortification setting in), Culkins wisely concluded that the mixture might be something else. A. liberal purse was made up for him, and at an early hour yesterday morning the last of the Culkinses went down St Clair Street on a smart trot. He took this morning's Lake- Ehore express train at some way-station, and is now on his 470 HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS. way to New York. The most astonishing thing about tho whole affair is the appearance on the street to-day, apparently well and unhurt, of the gentleman who was so badly " wounded in the shoulder." But a duel was actually " fit." III. HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION. THERE are several reports afloat as to how " Honest Old Abe " received the news of his nomination, none of which are correct. We give the correct report. The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went to Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was not in. Mrs Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails. So the Official Committee went out into the wood, where sure enough they found Honest Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a mag nificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly patched with substantial cloth of a different colour. " Mr Lincoln, sir, you 've been nominated, sir, for tho highest office, sir " " Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe ; " I took a stent this mornin to split three million rails afore night, and I don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till I get my stent done. I Ve only got two hundred thousand rails to split before sundown. I kin do it if you'll let me alone." And the great man went right on splitting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever. The Committee were ROBERTO THE ROVER. 471 lost in admiration for a few moments, when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys whose boy he was ? " I 'm my parents' boy," shouted the urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that they came very near ' gin'in eout ' completely. In a few moments Honest Old Abe finished his task, and received the news with perfect self-possession. He then asked them up to the house, where he received them cordially. He said he split three million rails every day, although he was in very poor health. Mr Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen sense of the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr Evarts of New York, " Why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street ? " Mr Evarts gave it up. " Because," said Mr Lincoln, " Old Grimes is dead, that good old man ! " This exceedingly humorous thing created the most uproarious laughter. IV. ROBERTO THE ROVER: A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE. CHAPTER I. FRANCE. OUR story opens in the early part of the year 17 . France was rocking wildly from centre to circumference. The arch despot and unscrupulous man, Richard the III., was trembling like an aspen leaf upon his throne. He had been successful, through the valuable aid of Eichelieu and Sir Wm. Donn, in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he trembled ! O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnappsgoot of Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their forces some nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all and were overtly at work, their object being to oust the tyrant. O'Mulligan was a young man between fifty-three years of age, and was chiefly distinguished for being the son 472 ROBERTO THE ROVER: of his aunt on his great-grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education, having passed three weeks at Oberlin College. He was a man of great hardihood, also, and would frequently read an entire column of " railway matters " in the Cleveland Herald without shrieking with agony. CHAPTER II. THE KINO. The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr Gloster) sat upon his throne in the Palace d' St Cloud. He was dressed in his best clothes, and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere. Courtiers, in glittering and golden armour, stood ready at his beck. He sat moodily for a while, when suddenly his sword flashed from its silvern scabbard, and he shouted : " Slaves, some wine, ho ! " The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of champagne and a hoe were placed before him. As the King raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near by, proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, cried, " Drink hearty, old feller." " Eeports, travelling on lightning- wings, whisper of strange goings on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom. Knowest thou aught of these things, most noble Hellitysplit 1 " and the King drew from the upper pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper of John Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw. " Treason stalks monster-like throughout unhappy France, my liege ! " said the noble Hellitysplit. The ranks of the P. Q. R's are daily swelling, and the G. K. J. A.'s are constantly on the increase. Already the peasantry scout at cat-fish, and demand pickled salmon for their noonday repasts. But, my liege," and the brave Hellitysplit's eyes flashed fire, " myself and sword are at thy command ! " " Bully for you, Count," said the King. " But soft : me- thinks report perchance unjustly hast spoken suspiciously A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE. 473 of thee, most Royal d' Sardine 1 How is this ? Is it a news paper yarn ] WHAT 's UP ? " D'Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the King's feet, and said : " Most patient, gray, and red-headed skinner ; my very approved shin-plaster : that I 've been asked to drink by the P. Q. E.'s, it is most true ; true, I have imbibed sundry mugs of lager with them. The very head and front of my offending hath this extent, no more." " "Tis well ! " said the King, rising and looking fiercely around. Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over the floor ! If I wouldn't blow me ! " CHAPTER in. THE ROVER. Thrilling as these scenes depicted in the preceding chapter indubitably were, those of this are decidedly THRILLINGER. Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again is he surrounded by splendour and gorgeously-mailed courtiers. A seafaring man stands before him. It is Roberto the Rover, Aisguised as a common sailor. " So," said the King, " thou wouldst have audience with me !" "Ay, ay, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer grapplin irons and pipe all hands on deck. Reef home yer jibpoop and splice yer main topsuls. Man the jibboom and let fly yer top-gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my days, yer land lubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among seagulls than landsharks. My name is Sweet "William. You 're old Dick the Three ! Ahoy ! Awast ! Dam my eyes ! " and Sweet William pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the manner of sailors on the stage, and consequently not a bit like those on shipboard. " Mariner," said the King, gravely, " thy language is ex ceeding lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin bad." " Ay, ay, my hearty ! " yelled Sweet William, in dulcet 474 ROBERTO THE ROVER. strains, reminding the King of the " voluptuous smell of physic," spoken of by the late Mr Byron. " What wouldst thou, seafaring man 1 " asked the King. " This ! " cried the Rover, suddenly taking off his maritime clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled with diamonds " This ! I am Roberto the Rover ! " The King was thunderstruck. Cowering back in his chair of state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, " Well, may I be gaul-darned ! " " Ber-lud ! ber-lud ! ber-lud ! " shrieked the Rover, as he drew a horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally killed, his last words being, " WE ARE GOVERNED TOO MUCH THIS IS THE LAST OF EARTH ! ! ! " At this exciting juncture Messrs O'Mulligan and Schnapps- goot (who had previously entered into a copartnership with the Rover for the purpose of doing a general killing business) burst into the room and cut off the heads and let out the in wards of all the noblemen they encountered. They then killed themselves and died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star-Spangled Banner, to slow music. The Rover fled. He was captured near Marseilles and thrust into prison, where he lay for sixteen weary years, all attempts to escape being futile. One night a lucky thought struck him. He raised the window and got out. But he was nnhappy. Remorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals. He tried Boerhave's Holland Bitters and the Retired Physi cian's Sands of Life, and got well. He then married the lovely Countess d' Smith, and lived to a green old age, being the triumph of virtue and downfall of vice. ABOUT EDITORS. 475 V. ABOUT EDITORS. WE hear a great deal, and something too much, about tlie poverty of editors. It is common for editors to parade their poverty and joke about it in their papers.* We see these witticisms almost every day of our lives. Sometimes the editor does the " vater vorks business," as Mr Samuel Weller called weeping, and makes pathetic appeals to his subscribers. Sometimes he is in earnest when he makes these appeals, but why " on airth " does he stick to a business that will not sup port him decently ? We read of patriotic and lofty-minded individuals who sacrifice health, time, money, and perhaps life, for the good of humanity, the Union, and that sort of thing, but we don't see them very often. We must say that we could count up all the lofty patriots in this line that we have ever seen, during our brief but chequered and romantic career, in less than half a day. A man who clings to a wretchedly paying business, when he can make himself and others near and dear to him fatter and happier by doing something else, is about as near an ass as possible, and not hanker after green grass and corn in the ear. The truth is, editors as a class are very well fed, groomed and harnessed. They have some pains that other folk do not have, and they also have some privileges which the community in general can't possess. While we would not advise the young reader to " go for an editor," we assure him he can do much worse. He musn't spoil a flourishing blacksmith or popular victualler in making an indifferent editor of himself, however. He must * Western editors are apt to make their impecuniosity a matter of joke. Whenever the editor of a newspaper in a small town of the Far West has nothing better to fill up a column with, he resorts to the topic ever upper most in his mind, and reminds his subscribers how desirable it is that thejf should pay up their subscriptions. t;6 EDITING. be endowed with some fancy and imagination to enchain the public eye. It was Smith, we believe, or some other man with an odd name, who thought Shakspeare lacked the requisite fancy and imagination for a successful editor. To those persons who can't live by printing papers we would say, in the language of the profligate boarder when dunned for his bill, being told at the same time by the keeper of the house that he couldn't board people for nothing, " Then sell out to somebody who can ! " In other words, fly from a business which don't remunerate. But as we intimated before, there is much gammon in the popular editorial cry of poverty. Just now we see a touching paragraph floating through the papers to the effect that editors don't live out half their years j that, poor souls ! they wear themselves out for the benefit of a cold and unappreciating world. We don't believe it. Gentle reader, don't swallow it. It is a footlight trick to work on your feelings. For ourselves, let us say, that unless we slip up considerably on our calculations, it will be a long time be fore our fellow-citizens will have the melancholy pleasure of erecting to our memory a towering monument of Parian marble on the Public Square. VL EDITING. BEFORE you go for an Editor, young man, pause and take a big think ! Do not rush into the editorial harness rashly. Look around and see if there is not an omnibus to drive some soil somewhere to be tilled a clerkship on some meat cart to be filled anything that is reputable and healthy, rather than going for an Editor, which is hard business at best. We are not a horse, and consequently have never been called upon to furnish the motive power for a threshing-machine; EDITING. 477 but we fancy that the life of the Editor who is forced to write, wiite, write, whether he feels right or not, is much like that of the steed in question. If the yeas and neighs could be ob tained, we believe the intelligent horse would decide that the threshing-machine is preferable to the sanctum editorial. The Editor's work is never done. He is drained incessantly, and no wonder that he dries up prematurely. Other people can attend banquets, weddings, &c. ; visit halls of dazzling light, get inebriated, break windows, lick a man occasionally, and enjoy themselves in a variety of ways ; but the Editor cannot. He must stick tenaciously to his quill. The press, like a sick baby, mustn't be left alone for a minute. If the press is left to run itself even for a day, some absurd person indignantly orders the carrier-boy to stop bringing "that in fernal paper. There's nothing in it. I won't have it in the house !" The elegant Mantalini, reduced to mangle-turning, described his life as " a dem'd horrid grind." The life of the Editor is ail of that. But there is a good time coming, we feel confident, for the Editor. A time when he will be appreciated. When he will have a front seat. When he will have pie every day, and wear store clothes* continually. When the harsh cry of " stop my paper " will no more grate upon his ears. Courage, Messieurs the Editors ! Still, sanguine as we are of the coming of this jolly time, we advise the aspirant for editorial honours to pause ere he takes up the quill as a means of obtaining his bread and butter. Do not, at least, do so until you have been jilted several dozen times by a like number of girls ; until you have been knocked down-stairs several times and soused in a horse- pond ; until all the " gushing " feelings within you have been thoroughly subdued ; until, in short, your hide is of rhinoceros thickness. Then, aspirants for the bubble reputation at the * Store clothes. Ready-made garments are so called in the States. 478 POPULARITY. press's mouth, throw yourselves among the inkpots, dust, and cobwebs of the printing office, if you will. * * * Good my lord, will you see the Editors well be stowed? Do you hear, let them be well used, for they are tho abstract and brief chroniclers of the time. After your death you had better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live. HAMLET, slightly altered. VII. POPULARITY. WHAT a queer thing is popularity ! Bill Pug Nose of the "Plug-Uglies"* acquires a world-wide reputation by smashing up the " champion of light weights," sets up a Saloon upon it, and realises the first month ; while our Missionary, who col lected two hundred blankets last August, and at that time saved a like number of little negroes in the West Indies from freezing, has received nothing but the yellow fever. The Hon. Oracular M. Matterson becomes able to withstand any quantity of late nights and bad brandy, is elected to Congress, and lob bies through contracts by which he realises some 50,000 dol lars; while private individuals lose 100,000 dollars by the Atlantic Cable. Contracts are popular the cable isn't. Fiddlers, Prima Donnas, Horse Operas, learned pigs, and five- legged calves travel through the country, reaping " golden opinions," while editors, inventors, professors, and humani tarians generally, are starving in garrets. Revivals of religion, fashions, summer resorts, and pleasure trips, are exceedingly popular, while trade, commerce, chloride of lime, and all the concomitants necessary to render the inner life of denizens of * Plug-Uglies. The name given to an infamous gang of ruffians which once had its head-quarters in Baltimore. A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. 479 cities tolerable, are decidedly non est. Even water, which was so popular and populous a few weeks agone, comes to us in such stinted sprinklings that it has become popular to supply it only from hydrants in sufficient quantities to raise one hundred disgusting smells in a distance of two blocks. Monsieur Eevierre, with nothing but a small name and a large quantity of hair, makes himself exceedingly popular with hotelkeepers and a numerous progeny of female Flaunts and Blounts, while Felix Smooth and Mr Chink, who persistently set forth their personal and more substantial marital charms through the columns of the New York Herald, have only re ceived one interview each one from a man in female attire, and the other from the keeper of an unmentionable house. Popularity is a queer thing, very. If you don't believe us, try it ! VIII. A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. AN enterprising travelling agent for a well-known Cleveland Tombstone Manufactory lately made a business visit to a small town in an adjoining county. Hearing, in the village, that a man in a remote part of the township had lost his wife, he thought he would go and see him, and offer him consolation and a gravestone, on his usual reasonable terms. He started. The road was a frightful one, but the agent persevered, and finally arrived at the bereaved man's house. Bereaved man's hired girl told the agent that the bereaved man was splitting fence rails " over in the pastur, about two milds." The inde fatigable agent hitched his horse and started for the " pastur." After falling into all manner of mudholes, scratching himself with briers, and tumbling over decayed logs, the agent at length found the bereaved man. In a subdued voice he asked 480 OTHELLO. the man if he had lost his wife. The man said he had. The agent was very sorry to hear of it, and sympathised with the man very deeply in his great affliction ; but death, he said, was an insatiate archer, and shot down all, both of high and low degree. Informed the man that " what was his loss was her gain," and would be glad to sell him a gravestone to mark the spot where the beloved one slept marble or common stone, as he chose, at prices defying competition. The bereaved man said there was " a little difficulty in the way." " Haven't you lost your wife?" inquired the agent. " Why, yes, I have," said the man, "but no gravestun ain't necessary : you see the cussed critter ain't dead. SHE 's SCOOTED WITH ANOTHER MAN !" The agent retired. IX. OTHELLO. EVERYBODY knows that this is one of Mr W. Shakspeare's best and most attractive plays. The public is more familiar with Othello than any other of " the great Bard's " efforts. It is the most-quoted from by writers and orators, Hamlet perhaps excepted, and provincial theatres seem to take more delight in doing it than almost any other play extant, legitimate or other wise. The scene is laid in Venice. Othello, a warm-hearted, impetuous, and rather verdant Moorish gentleman, consider ably in the military line, falls in love and marries Desdemona, daughter of the Hon. Mr Brabantio, who represents one of the " back districts" in the Venetian Senate. The Senator is quite vexed at this rends his linen and swears considerably but finally dries up, requesting the Moor to remember that Desde mona has deceived her Pa, and bidding him to look out that she don't likewise come it over him, " or words to that effect." OTHELLO. 481 Mr and Mrs Othello get along very pleasantly for a while. She is sweet-tempered and affectionate a nice, sensible woman, not at all inclined to pantaloons, he-female conventions, pickled- beets, and other " strong-minded " arrangements. He is a likely man and "a good provider." But a man named lago, who, we believe, wants to get Mr 0. out of his snug govern ment berth that he may get into it, systematically and effec tually ruins the Othello household. Had there been a Lecomp- ton Constitution up, lago would have been an able and eloquent advocate of it, and would thus have got Othello's position, for the Moor would have utterly repudiated that pet scheme of the Devil and several other gentlemen, whose names we omit out of regard for the feelings of their parents. Lecompton wasn't a " test," however, and lago took another course to oust Othello. He fell in with a brainless young man named Eode- rigo, and won all of his money at euchre. (lago always played foul.) "We suppose he did this to procure funds to help him carry out his vile scheme. Michael Cassio, whose first name would imply that he was of the Irish persuasion, was the un fortunate individual selected by Mr I. as his principal tool. This Cassio was a young officer of considerable promise and high moral worth. He yet unhappily had a weakness for drink, and through this weakness Mr I. determined to " fetch him." He accordingly proposed a drinking bout with Michael. Michael drank faithfully every time, but lago adroitly threw his whisky on the floor. While Cassio is pouring the liquor down his throat lago sings a popular bacchanalian song, the first verse of which is as follows : " And let me the canakin clink, clink, And let me the canakin clink : A soldier's a man, A life's but a span, \VLy, then, let a soldier drink." And the infatuated young man does drink. The " canakin ;a 2 H 482 OTHELLO. clinked" until Michael gets tight as a boiled owl.* He hog about seven inches of whisky in him. He says he is sober, and thinks he can walk a crack with distinguished success. He then grows religious and " hopes to be saved." He then wants to fight, and allows he can lick a yard full of the Venetian fancy. He falls in with Roderigo and proceeds to smash him. Montano undertakes to stop Cassio, when that intoxicated person stabs him. lago pretends to be very sorry to see Michael conduct himself in this improper manner, and under takes to smooth the thing over to Othello, who rushes in with a drawn sword and wants to know what 's up. lago cunningly gives his villainous explanation, and Othello tells Michael that he loves him, but he can't train in his regiment any more. Desdemona, the gentle and good, sympathises with Cassio, and intercedes for him with the Moor. lago gives the Moor to understand that she does this because she likes Michael better than she does his own dark-faced self, and intimates that their relations (Desdemona's and Michael's) are of an entirely too friendly character. The Moor believes the villain's yarn, and commences making himself unhappy and disagreeable gene rally, lago tells Othello what he heard Cassio say about " sweet Desdemona" in his dreams, but of course the story was a creation of lago's fruitful brain in short, a lie. The poor Moor swallows it, though, and storms terribly. He grabs lago by the throat, and tells him to give him the ocular proof, lago becomes virtuously indignant, and is sorry he mentioned the subject to the Moor. The Moor relents and believes lago. He then tortures Desdemona with his foul suspicions, and finally smothers her with a pillow while she is in bed. Mrs lago, who is a woman of spirit, comes in on the Moor just as he has finished the murder. She gives it to him right smartly, and shows him he has been terribly deceived. Mr lago enters. Mrs lago pitches into him, and he stabs her. Othello gives him a piece of his mind and subsequently a piece of his sword * Tight as a boiled owl. In other words, thoroughly intoxicated. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 483 lago, with a sardonic smile, says he bleeds, but isn't hurt much. He then walks up to Othello, and with another sar donic smile, points to the death-couch of poor Desdemona. He then goes off. Othello tells the assembled dignitaries that he has done the State some service, and they know it ; asks them to speak of him as he is, and do as fair a thing as they can under the circumstances ; calls himself a circumcised dog, and kills himself, which is the most sensible thing he can do. X. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. THERE is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number 'of mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of them are Demosthenic. We looked around among them during the last day we honoured the Fair with our brilliant presence, and were rather pleased at some things we heard and witnessed. The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the little man was there. " 'Ere's a show, now," said he, " worth seeing. 'Ere's a en tertainment that improves the morals. P. T. Barnum you 've all hearn o' him. What did he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez P. T. Barnum, ' Sir, you have the all-firedest best show travelin ! ' and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents ! " The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, " Gentle MEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery grate ten feet square, and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred persons have seen this wonderful BEING this mornin, and they said as they come out, ' What can these 'ere things be 1 Is it alive 1 Doth it breathe find have a being ? Ah yes, they say, 484 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as we never sa\f afore. 'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents 'ere's your change, sir] own sublime handiworks ' and walk right in." The man with the wild mare was there. " Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist queeriosity in the livin' world a wild mare without no hair captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see this gerrate exhibition. Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the State Fair, an' you won't see the State Fair without you see my show. Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small sum of fifteen cents." Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the usual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested them to go in. While they were in some sly dog told him their names. When they came out the showman pretended to talk with them, though he didn't say a word. They were evidently in a hurry. " There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen t$ay 1 They air editors editors, gentleMEN Mr of the Cleveland , and Mr of the Detroit , and they say it is the gerratist show they ever seed in their born days!" [Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be seen when the showman concluded this speech.] A smart- looking chap was doing a brisk business with a gambling contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he rapidly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his table, and shouted : " Ere's the only great show on the grounds ! The highly- trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and seventeen tails, captured in a well-fortified hencoop, after a desperate struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash I ! " The facetious wretch escaped. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 485 A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white choker had a gift-enterprise concern. " My friends," he solemnly said, " you will observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can give it away. No blanks, my friends all prizes and only fifty cents a chance. I don't make anything myself, my friends all I get goes to aid a sick woman my aunt in the country, gentlemen and besides I like to see folks enjoy themselves ! " The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave coun tenance. The man with the " wonderful calf with five legs and a huming head," and " the philosophical lung-tester," were there. Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other ingenious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen from the rural districts of their spare change. A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, which had been cut from his pocket by some thief. " You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you- can't-fool-me look. "I've been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan, and knows my bizniss aboard a pro- oeller. Here 's MY money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloons' pocket. About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual rushing frantically around after a policeman. Somebody had adroitly relieved him of HIS money. In his search for a policeman he encountered the young man who wasn't smart. " Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter ; "by G , I thought you was smart I thought you 'd been to the State Fair before." The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who ivasn't smart confidentially towards him, said 435 COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH, " There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket- ray MONEY is in my boot they can't fool me I 'VE 'BEEN TO THE STATE FAIR BEFORE ! ! " HE DECLINED "BiLiNG." The students of the Conneaut Academy gave a theatrical entertainment a few winters ago. They " executed " Julius Caesar. Everything went off satis factorily until Caesar was killed in the market-place. The stage accommodations were limited, and Caesar fell nearly under the stove, in which there was a roaring fire. And when Brutus said " People and Senators ! be not affrighted ; Fly not ; stand still ambition's debt is paid ! " he was amazed to see Caesar rise upon his feet and nervously examine his scorched garments. "Lay down, you fool," shouted Brutus, wildly; "do you want to break up the whole thing ? " " No," returned Caesar, in an excited manner, " I don't : I want to act out G-ineral Caesar in good style, but I ain't goin to bile under that cussed old stove for nobody ! " This stopped the play, and the students abandoned theatricals forthwith. XI. COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. THERE is a plain little meeting-house on Barnwell Street * in which the coloured people or a goodly portion of them wor ship on Sundays. The seats are cushionless, and have per pendicular backs. The pulpit is plain white trimmed with red, it is true, but still a very unostentatious affair for coloured * a,rn,wcll Stre.ct. One of the streets of the city of Cleveland. COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. 487 people, who are supposed to have a decided weakness for gay hues. Should you escort a lady to this church, and seat your self beside her, you will infallibly be touched on the shoulder, and politely requested to move to the "gentlemen's side." Gentlemen and ladies are not allowed to sit together in this church. They are parted remorselessly. It is hard we may say it is terrible to be torn asunder in this way, but you have to submit, and of course you had better do so gracefully and pleasantly. Meeting opens with an old-fashioned hymn, which is very well sung indeed by the congregation. Then the minister reads a hymn, which is sung by the choir on the front seats near the pulpit. Then the minister prays. He hopes no one has been attracted there by idle curiosity to see or be seen and you naturally conclude that he is gently hitting you. Another hymn follows the prayer, and then we have the dis course, which certainly has the merit of peculiarity and bold ness. The minister's name is Jones. He don't mirice matters at all. He talks about the " flames of hell " with a confident fierceness that must be quite refreshing to sinners. " There 's no half-way about this," says he, " no by-paths. " There are in Cleveland lots of men who go to church regularly, who behave well in meeting, and who pay their bills. " They ain't Christians though. " They 're gentlemen sinners. " And whar d'ye spose they '11 fetch up ? " I '11 tell ye they'll fetch him up in h 11, and they '11 come up standing too there 's where they '11 fetch up ! ' Who 's my backer ? " Have I got a backer 1 " Whar 's my backer ? "This is my backer (striking the Bible before him) the Bible will back me to any amount ! " To still further convince his hearers that he was in earnest, he exclaimed, " That's me that 's Jones ! " 483 SPIRITS. He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter censure. It was natural that Adam should have been mad at her. " I shouldn't want a woman that wouldn't mind me, myself," said the speaker. He directed his attention to dancing, declaring it to be a great sin. " Whar there 's dancing there 's fiddling whar there 's fiddling there 's unrighteousness, and unrighteousness is wickedness, and wickedness is sin ! That 's me that 's Jones." Bosom the speaker invariably called "buzzim," and devil " debil," with a fearfully strong accent on the " il." XII. SPIRITS. MR DAVENPORT,* who has been for some time closely iden- fied with the modern spiritual movement, is in the city with his daughter, who is quite celebrated as a medium. They are accompanied by Mr Eighme and his daughter, and are holding circles in Hoffman's Block every afternoon and evening. We were present at the circle last evening. Miss Davenport seated herself at a table on which was a tin trumpet, a tam- borine, and a gxiitar. The audience were seated around the room. The lights were blown out, and the spirit of an eccentric individual, well known to the Davenports, and whom they call George, addressed the audience through the trumpet. He called several of those present by name in a boisterous voice, and dealt several stunning knocks on the table. George has been in the spirit world some two hundred years. He is a rather rough spirit, and probably run with the machine and " killed for Kyser" f when in the flesh. He ordered the seats * Mr Davenport. One of the afterwards notorious Davenport Brothers. f Kyser is an extensive New York butcher, and " to kill" (or slaughter) SPIRITS. 489 in the room to be wheeled round so the audience would face the table. He said the people on the front seat must be tied with a rope. The order was misunderstood, the rope being merely drawn before those on the front seat. He reprimanded Mr Davenport for not understanding the instructions. What he meant was that the rope should be passed once around each person on the front seat and then tightly drawn, a man at each end of the seat to hold on to it. This was done, and George expressed himself satisfied. There was no one near the table save the medium. All the rest were behind the rope, and those on the front seat were particularly charged not to let any one pass by them. George said he felt first- rate, and commenced kissing the ladies present. The smack could be distinctly heard, and some of the ladies said the sen sation was very natural. For the first time in our eventful life we sighed to be a spirit. We envied George. We did not understand whether the kissing was done through a trumpet. After kissing considerably, and indulging in some playful remarks with a man whose Christian name was Napoleon Bonaparte, and whom George called " Boney," he tied the hands and feet of the medium. He played the guitar and jingled the tambourine, and then dashed them violently on the floor. The candles were lit, and Miss Davenport was securely tied. She could not move her hands. Her feet were bound, and the rope (which was a long one) was fastened to the chair. No person in the room had been near her or had ' anything to do with tying her. Every person who was in the room will take his or her oath of that. She could hardly have tied herself. We never saw such intricate and thorough tying in our life. The believers present were convinced that George did it. The unbelievers didn't exactly know what to think about it. The candles were extinguished again, and pretty soon Miss Davenport told George to " don't." She spoke in for him has passed into a saying with the roughs, or " bhoys," of New York. To " run with a [fire] machine." 493 MR BLOWHARD. an affrighted tone. The candles were lit, and she was dis covered sitting on the table hands and feet tied as before, and herself tied to the chair withal. The lights were again blown out, there were sounds as if some one was lifting her from the table ; the candles were relit, and she was seen sitting in the chair on the floor again. No one had been near her from the audience. Again the lights were extinguished. and presently the medium said her feet were wet. It appeared that the mischievous spirit of one Biddie, an Irish Miss who died when twelve years old, had kicked over the water-pail. Miss Eighme took a seat at the table, and the same mischievous Biddie scissored off a liberal lock of her hair. There was the hair, and it had indisputably just been taken from Miss Eighme's head, and her hands and feet, like those of Miss D., were securely tied. Other things of a staggering character to the sceptic were done during the evening. XIII. MR BLOWHARD. THE reader has probably met Mr Blowhard. He is usually round. You find him in all public places. He is particu larly "numerous" at shows. Knows all the actors intimately. ' Went to school with some of 'em. Knows how much they get a month to a cent, and how much liquor they can hold to a teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest like a book. Has taken sundry drinks with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is well ac quainted with a certain actress. Could have married her just as easy as not if he had wanted to. Didn't like her " style," and so concluded not to marry her. Knows Dan Rice well. Knows all of his men and horses. Is on terms of affectionate intimacy with Dan's rhinoceros, and is tolerably well acquainted with the performing elephant. We encountered Mr Blowhard MARKET MORNING. 491 at/ the circus yesterday. He was entertaining those near him with a full account of the whole institution, men, boys, horses, " muils " and all. He said the rhinoceros was perfectly harm less, as his teeth had all been taken out in infancy. Besides, the rhinoceros was under the influence of opium while he was in the ring, which entirely prevented his injuring anybody. 'No danger whatever. In due course of time the amiable beast (was led into the ring. When the cord was taken from his (nose, he turned suddenly and manifested a slight desire to run violently in among some boys who were seated near the musicians. The keeper, with the assistance of one of the Bedouin Arabs, soon induced him to change his mind, and got him in the middle of the ring. The pleasant quadruped had no sooner arrived here than he hastily started, with a melodious bellow, towards the seats on one of which sat Mr Blowhard. Each particular hair on Mr Blowhard's head stood up " like squills upon the speckled porkupine" (Shakspeare or Arte- mus Ward, we forget which), and he fell, with a small shriek, down through the seats to the ground. He remained there until the agitated rhinoceros became calm, when he crawled slowly back to his seat. " Keep mum," he said, with a very wise shake of the head. " I only wanted to have some fun with them folks above us. I swar, I '11 bet the whisky they thought I was scared !" Great character that Blowhard. XIV. MARKET MORNING. " Hurrah ! this is market day, Up, lads, and gaily away ! " OLD ON market mornings there is a roar and a crash all about the corner of Kinsman and Pittsburgh Streets. The market build- 492 MARKET MORNING. ing so called, we presume, because it don't in the least re semble a market building is crowded Avith beef and butchers, and almost countless meat and vegetable waggons, of all sorts, are confusedly huddled together all around outside. These waggons mostly come from a few miles out of town, and are always on the spot at daybreak. A little after sunrise the crash and jam commences, and continues with little cessation until ten o'clock in the forenoon. There is a babel of tongues, an excessively cosmopolitan gathering of people, a roar of wheels, and a lively smell of beef and vegetables. The soap man, the headache curative man, the razor man, and a variety of other tolerable humbugs, are in full blast. We meet mar ried men with baskets in their hands. Those who have been fortunate in their selections look happy, while some who have been unlucky wear a dejected air, for they are probably des tined to get pieces of their wives' minds on their arrival home. It is true, that all married men have their own way. but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it ! We meet a newly-married man. He has recently set up housekeeping. He is out to buy steak for breakfast. There are only himself and wife and female domestic in the family. He shows us his basket, which contains steak enough for at least ten able-bodied men. We tell him so, but he says we don't know anything about war, and passes on. Here comes a lady of high degree, who has no end of servants to send to the market, but she likes to come herself, and it won't prevent her shining and sparkling in her elegant drawing-room this afternoon. And she is accumulating muscle and freshness of face by these walks to market. And here is a charming picture. Standing beside a vege table cart is a maiden beautiful and sweeter far than any daisy in the fields. Eyes of purest blue, lips of cherry red, teeth like pearls, silken, golden hair, and form of exquisite mould. We wonder if she is a fairy, but instantly conclude that she is not, for in measuring out a Deck of onions she spills WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 493 some of them a small boy laughs at the mishap, and she indig nantly shies the measure at his head. Fairies, you know, don't throw peck measures at small boys' heads. The spell was broken. The golden chain which for a moment bound us tell to pieces. We meet an eccentric individual in corduroy pantaloons and pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know if we didn't sail out of Nantucket in 1852 in the whaling brig Jasper Green. We are compelled to confess that the only nautical experience we ever had was to once temporarily com mand a canal boat on the dark-rolling Wabash, while the captain went ashore to cave in the head of a miscreant who had winked lasciviously at the sylph who superintended the culinary department on board that gallant craft. The eccen tric individual smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps we won't lend him a dollar till to-morrow ; to which we courte ously reply that we certainly won't, and he glides away. We return to our hotel, reinvigorated with the early, health ful jaunt, and bestow an imaginary purse of gold upon our African Brother, who brings us a hot and excellent breakfast. XV. ViE SEE TWO WITCHES. Two female fortune-tellers recently came hither, and spread " small bills " throughout the city. Being slightly anxious, in common with a wide circle of relatives and friends, to know where we were going to, and what was to become of us, we visited both of these eminently respectable witches yesterday and had our fortune told " twict." Physicians sometimes dis agree, lawyers invariably do, editors occasionally fall out, and we are pained to say that even witches unfold different tales to one individual. In describing our interviews with these singularly gifted female women, who are actually and posi- #4 WE SEE TWO WITCHES. tivcly here in this city, we must speak considerably of " we" not because we flatter ourselves that we are more interesting than people in general, but because in the present case it is really necessary. In the language of Hamlet's Pa, " List, list!" We went to see " Madame B." first. She has rooms at the Burnett House. The following is a copy of her bill : MADAME B., THE CELEBRATED SPANISH ASTROLOGIST, CLAIRVOYANT AND FEMALE DOCTRESS, Would respectfully announce to the citizens that she has just arrived in this city, and designs remaining for a few days only. The Madame can be consulted on all matters pertaining to life either past, present, or future tracing the line of life from Infancy to Old Age, particularising each event, in regard to Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship, Losses, Law Matters, and Sickness of Relatives and Friends at a distance. The Madame will also show her visitors a life-like representation of their .Future Husbands and Wives. LUCKY NUMBERS IN LOTTERIES Can also be selected by her, and hundreds who have consulted her have drawn capital prizes. The Madame will furnish medicine for all diseases, for grown persons (male or female) and children. Persons wishing to consult her concerning this mysterious art and human destiny, particularly with reference to their own individual bearing in relation to a supposed Providence, can be accommodated by calling at WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 495 EOOM No. 23, BURNETT HOUSE, Corner of Prospect and Ontario Streets, Cleveland. The Madame has travelled extensively for the last few years, both in the United States and the West Indies, and the success which has attended her in all places has won for her the reputation of being the most wonderful Astrologist of the present age. The Madame has a superior faculty for this business, having been born with a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which she can more accurately read the past, present, and future ; also en abling her to cure many diseases without using drugs or medicines. The Madame advertises nothing but what she can do. Call on her if you would consult the greatest Foreteller of events now living. Hours of Consultation, from 8 A.M. to 9 o'clock P.M. We urbanely informed the lady with the "Caul on her Face " that we had called to have our fortune told, and she said, " Hand out your money." This preliminary being settled, Matiame B. (who is a tall, sharp-eyed, dark-featured and angular woman, dressed in painfully positive colours, and heavily loaded with gold chain and mammoth jewellery of various kinds) and Jupiter indicated powerful that we were a slim constitution, which came down on to us from our father's side. Wherein our constitution was not slim, so it came down on to us from our mother's side. " Is this so } " And we said it was. " Yes," continued the witch, " I know'd 'twas. You can't deceive Jupiter, me, nor any other planick. You may swim same as Leander did, but you can't deceive the planicks. Give me your hand ! Times ain't so easy as they has been. So 49<5 WE SEE TWO WITCHES so but 'tis temp'ry. 'Twon't last long. Times will be easy soon. You may be tramped on to onct or twict, but you '11 rekiver. You have talenk, me child. You kin make a Con- gresser if sich you likes to be. [We said we would be excused, if it was all the same to her.] You kin be a lawyer. [We thanked her, but said we would rather retain our present good moral character.] You kin be a soldier. You have courage enough to go to the Hostrian wars and kill the French. [We informed her that we had already murdered some " English."] You won't have much money till you 're thirty-three years of old. Then you will have large sums forty thousand dollars, perhaps. Look out for it ! [We promised we would.] You have travelled some, and you will travel more, which will make your travels more extensiver than they has been. You will go to Californy by way of Pike's Pick. [Same route taken by Horace Greeley.] If nothin happens onto you, you won't meet with no accidents and will get through pleasant, which you otherwise will not do under all circumstances however, which doth happen to all, both great and small, likewise to the rich as also the poor. Hearken to me ! There has been deaths in your family, and there will be more ! But Reserve your constitution and you will live to be seventy years of old. Me child, HER hair will be black black as the Eaving's wing. Likewise black will also be her eyes, and she '11 be as different from which you air as night and day. Look out for the dark ish man ! He 's yer rival ! Beware of the darkish man ! [We promised that we 'd introduce a funeral into the " darkish man's " family the moment we encountered him.] Me child, there's more sunshine than clouds for ye, and send all your friends up here. " A word before you goes. Expose not yourself. Your eyes is sailer, which is on accounts of bile on your systim. Some don't have bile on to their systims which their eyes is not sailer. This bile ascends down on to you from many genera tions which is in their graves, and peace to their ashes. * WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 497 MADAME CROMPTON. We then proceeded directly to Madame Crompton, the other fortune-teller. Below is her bill : MADAME R. CROMPTON, THE WORLD-RENOWNED FORTUNE-TELLER AND ASTROLOGIST. Madame Crompton begs leave to inform the citizens of Cleve land and vicinity that she has taken rooms at the FARMERS' ST CLAIR HOUSE, CORNER OF ST CLAIR AND WATER STREETS, Where she may be consulted on all matters pertaining to Past and Future Events. Also giving Information of Absent Friends, whether Living or Dead. P.S. Persons having lost or having property stolen of any kind, will do well to give her a call, as she will describe the person or persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most devout critic. Terms Reasonable She has rooms at the Farmers' Hotel, as stated in the bill above. She was driving an extensive business, and we were forced to wait half an hour or so for a chance to see her. Madame Crompton is of the English persuasion, and has evi dently searched many long years in vain for her H. She is small in stature, but considerably inclined to corpulency, and her red round face is continually wreathed in smiles, reminding one of a new tin pan basking in the noonday sun. She took a greasy pack of common playing cards, and requested us to 21 49 3 FROM A HOMELY MAM " cut them in three," which we did. She spread them out before her on the table, and said : " Sir to you which I speaks. You 'av been terrible crossed in love, and your 'art 'as been much panged. But you '11 get all over it and marry a light complected gale with rayther reddish 'air. Before some time you'll have a leggercy fall down on to you, mostly in solick Jold. There may be a law suit about it, and you may be sup-prisoned as a witnesses, but you'll git it mostly in solick Jold, which you will keep in chists, and you must look out for them. [We said we would keep a skinned optic on "them chists."] You 'as a enemy, and he's a lightish man. He wants to defraud you out of your 'onesty. He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of crushin yourself. [A weak invention of "the opposition."] You never did nothin bad. Your 'art is right. You 'ave a great taste for hosses and like to stay with 'em. Mister to you I sez ! Gard aginst the lightish man and all will be well." The supernatural being then took an oval-shaped chunk of glass (which she called a stone) and requested us to " hang on to it." She looked into it and said : " If you 're not keerful when you git your money, you '11 lose it, but which otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is as cheap as I kin afford to tell anybody's fortune, and no great shakes made then." XVL FROM A HOMELY MAN. DEAR PLAIN DEALER, I am a plain man, and there is a melancholy fitness ill my unbosoming my sufferings to the ''Plain " Dealer. Plain as you maybe in your dealings, how ever, I am convinced you never before had to deal with a cor respondent so hopelessly plain as I. Yet plain don't half FROM A HOMELY MAN. 499 express my looks. Indeed I doubt very much whether any word in the English language could be found to convey an adequate idea of my absolute and utter homeliness. The dates in the old family Bible show that I am in the decline of life, but I cannot recall a period in my existence when I felt really young. My very infancy, those brief months when babes prattle joyously and know nothing of care, was darkened by a shadowy presentiment of what I was to endure through life, and my youth was rendered dismal by continued repeti tions of a fact painfully evident " on the face of it," that the boy was growing homelier and homelier every day. Memory, that with other people recalls so much that is sweet and plea sant to think of in connection with their youth, with me brings up nothing but mortification, bitter tears, I had almost said curses, on my solitary and homely lot. I have wished a thousand times wished that Memory had never consented torgive me for the wicked thought, but I have felt an almost unconquerable impulse to for ever dis figure and mar that sweet upturned innocent face that smiled and looked so beautiful in sleep, for it was ever reminding me of the curse I was doomed to carry about me. Many and many a night have I got up in my night-dress, and lighting my little lamp, sat for hours gazing at my terrible ugliness of face reflected in the mirror, drawn to it by a cruel fascination which it was impossible for me to resist. 500 THE ELEPHANT. I need not tell you that I am a single man, and yet I have had what men call affairs of the heart. I have known what it is to worship the heart's embodiment of female loveliness, and purity, and truth, but it was generally at a distance, entirely safe to the object of my adoration. Being of a susceptible nature, I was continually falling in love, but never, save with one single exception, did I venture to declare my flame. I saw my heart's palpitator walking in a grove. Moved by my consuming love, I rushed towards her, and throwing myself at her feet began to pour forth the long-pent-up emotions of my heart. She gave one look and then " Shrieked till all the rocks replied ; " at least you 'd thought they replied if you had seen me leave that grove with a speed greatly accelerated by a shower of rocks from the hands of an enraged brother, who was at hand. That prepossessing young lady is now slowly recovering her reason in an institution for the insane. Of my further troubles I may perhaps inform you at some future time. HOMELY MAN. XVII. THE ELEPHANT. SOME two years since, on the strength of what we regarded as reliable information, we announced the death of the elephant Hannibal, at Canton, and accompanied the announcement with a short sketch of that remarkable animal. We happened to be familiar with several interesting incidents in the private life of Hannibal, and our sketch was copied by almost every paper in America and by several European journals. A few months ago a " travelled " friend showed us the sketch in a THE ELEPHANT. 501 Parisian journal, and possibly it is "going the rounds" of the Chinese papers by this time. A few days after we had printed his obituary Hannibal came to town with Van Amburgh's Menagerie, and the same type which killed the monster re stored him to life again. About once a year Hannibal " Gets on a spree, And goes bobbin around." to make a short quotation from a once popular ballad. These sprees, in fact, ''is what's the matter with him." The other day, in Williamsburg, Long Island, he broke loose in the canvas, emptied most of the cages, and tore through the town like a mammoth pestilence. An extensive crowd of athletic men, by jabbing him with spears and pitch forks, and coiling big ropes around his legs, succeeded in cap turing him. The animals he had set free were caught and restored to their cages without much difficulty. We doubt if we shall ever forget our first view of Han nibal which was also our first view of any elephant of the elephant, in short. It was at the close of a sultry day in June, 18 . The sun had spent its fury and was going to rest among the clouds of gold and crimson. A solitary horseman might have been seen slowly ascending a long hill in a New England town. That solitary horseman was us, and we were mounted on the old white mare. Two bags were strapped to the foam ing steed. That was before we became wealthy, and of course we are not ashamed to say that we had been to mill, and con sequently them bags contained flour and middlins. Presently a large object appeared at the top of the hill. "We had heard of the devil, and had been pretty often told that he would have a clear deed and title to us before long, but had never heard him painted like the object which met our gaze at the top of that hill on the close of that sultry day in June. Concluding (for we were a mere youth) that it was an ecceu- 502 BUSTS. trie whale, who had come ashore near North Yarmouth, and was making a tour through the interior on wheels, we hastily turned our steed and made for the mill at a rapid rate. Once we threw over ballast, after the manner of balloonists, and aa the object gained on us we cried aloud for our parents. For tunately we reached the mill in safety, and the object passed at a furious rate, with a portion of a woodshed on its back. It was Hannibal, who had run away from a neighbouring town, taking a shed with him. DRANK STANDIN. Col. is a big " railroad man." He attended a railroad supper once. Champagne flowed freely, and the Colonel got more than his share. Speeches were made after the removal of the cloth. Somebody arose and eulogised the Colonel in the steepest possible manner called him great, good, patriotic, enterprising, &c., &c. The speaker was here interrupted by the illustrious Colonel himself, who, arising with considerable difficulty, and beaming benevolently around the table, gravely said, " Let 's (hie) drink that sedimunt standin!" It was done. XVIII. BUSTS. THERE are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in the bust business. They have their peculiarities and eccen tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad cigars. They make busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other great men, living and dead. The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly and cautiously. " Buy Napo-leon 1 " he will say, and you may probably answer " not a buy." " How much giv-ee 1 " he asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he wantej THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS. 503 " Nine dollar," he will answer always. We are sure of it We have observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently. No matter how large or small the bust may be, the first price is invariably " nine dollar." If you decline paying this price, as you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he again asks, " How much giv-ee ? " By way of a joke you say " a dollar," when the buster retreats indignantly to the door, saying in a low, wild voice, " dam ! " With his hand upon the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "How much giv-ee?" You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, "0 ha ! " then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus : " Say ! how much giv-ee 1 " Again you say a dollar, and he cries, " Take 'um take 'um !" thus falling eight dollars on his original price. Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls his busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called him Web-STAR) of him the other day, and were astonished when he called upon us the next day with another bust of Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him, and asked us if we didn't want to buy " Cole, the wife-pizener ! " We endeavoured to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utterance was choked, and we could only gaze upon him in bpcechless astonishment and indignation. XIX. HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD. WE have read a great many stories of which Winchell, the great wit and mimic, was the hero, showing always how neatly and entirely he sold somebody. Any one who is familiar with Winchell's wonderful powers of mimicry cannot doubt thai, these stories are all substantially true. But there is one instance which we will relate, or perish in the attempt, where 504 THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS. the jolly Wincheli was himself sold. The other evening, while he was conversing with several gentlemen at one of the hotels, a dilapidated individual reeled into the room and halted in front of the stove, where he made wild and unsuccessful efforts to maintain a firm position. He evidently had spent the evening in marching torchlight processions of forty- rod whisky down his throat, and at this particular time was decidedly and disreputably drunk. With a sly wink to the crowd, as much as to say, " We '11 have some fun with this individual," Win- chell assumed a solemn face, and in a ghostly voice said to one of the company : " The poor fellow we were speaking of is dead ! " " No 1 " said the individual addressed. " Yes," said Winchell ; " you know both of his eyes were gouged out, his nose was chawed off, and both of his arms were torn out at the roots. Of course, he couldn't recover." This was all said for the benefit of the drunken man, who was standing, or trying to stand, within a few feet of Win chell ; but he took no sort of notice of it, and was apparently ignorant of the celebrated delineator's presence. Again Win chell endeavoured to attract his attention, but utterly failed as before. In a few moments the drunken man staggered out of the room. " I can generally have a little fun with a drunken man," said Winchell, " but it is no go in this case." " I suppose you know what ails the man who just went out?" said the "gentlemanly host." "I perceive he is alarmingly inebriated," said Winchell; " does anything else ail him 1 " " Yes," said the host, " HE 's DEAF AND DUMB ! " This was true. There was a " larf," and Winchell, with the remark that he was sorry to see a disposition in that assemblage " to deceive an orphan," called for a light and went gravely to bed. ON A UTUMN. 505 XX. ON AUTUMN. POETS are wont to apostrophise the leafy month of June, and there is no denying that if Spring is " some," June is Summer. But there is a gorgeous magnificence about the habiliments of Nature, and a teeming fruitfulness upon her lap during the autumnal months, and we must confess we have always felt genially inclined towards this season. It is true, when we concentrate our field of vision to the minute garniture of earth, we no longer observe the beautiful petals, nor inhale the fragrance of a gay parterre of the " floral epistles " and " angel-like collections " which Longfellow (we believe) so graphically describes, and which Shortfellows so fantastically carry about in their button-holes ; but we have all their tints reproduced upon a higher and broader canvas in the kaleido scopic colours with which the sky and the forest daily enchant us, and the beautiful and luscious fruits which Autumn spreads out before us, and " Crowns the rich promise of the opening Spring." In another point of view Autumn is suggestive of pleasant reflections. The wearying, wasting heat of Summer, and the deadly blasts with which her breath has for some years been freighted, are past, and the bracing north winds begin to bring balm and healing on their wings. The hurly-burly of travel, and most sorts of publicity (except newspapers), are fast playing out, and we can once more hope to see our friends and relations in the happy sociality of home and fireside enjoyments. Yielding, as we do, the full force to which Autumn is seriously entitled, or rather to the serious reflec tions and admonitions which the decay of Nature and tha dying year always inspire, and admitting the poet's decade " Leaves have their time to fall, And stars to set, but all, Thou hast all seasons for thine own, Death ! " 506 PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING. there is a brighter Autumn beyond, and brighter opening years to those who choose them rather than dead leaves and bitter fruits. Thus we can conclude tranquilly with Bryant, as we began gaily with another " So live, that when thy summons conies to join The innumerable caravan, which moves To that mysterious realm, where each shall take His chamber in the silent halls of death, Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night, Scourged to his dungeon ; but, sustained and soothed By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams." XXI. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING. WE have no intention of making fun of serious matters* in telling the following story ; we merely relate a fact. There is a rule at Oberlin College that no student shall board at any house where prayers are not regularly made each day. A certain man fitted up a boarding-house and filled it with boarders, but forgot, until the eleventh hour, the prayer proviso. Not being a praying man himself, he looked around for one who was. At length he found one a meek young man from Trumbull County who agreed to pay for his board in praying. For a while all went smoothly, but the boarding' master furnished his table so * v orly that the boarders began to grumble and to leave, and the other morning the praying boarder actually " struck ! " Something like the following dialogue occurred at the table : LANDLORD. Will you pray, Mr Mild ? MILD. No, sir, I will not. LANDLORD. Why not, Mr Mild I HUNTING TROUBLE. 507 MILD. Tt don't pay, sir. I cant pray on such victuals as these. And unless you bind yourself in writing to set a better table than you have for the last three weeks, nary another prayer you get out of me ! And that 's the way the matter stood at latest advices. XXII. HUNTING TROUBLE. HUNTING trouble is too fashionable in this world. Content ment and jollity are not cultivated as they should be. There are too many prematurely-wrinkled long and melancholy faces among us. There is too much swearing, sweating and slashing, fuming, foaming and fretting around and about us all. " A mad world, my masters." People rush out-doors bareheaded and barefooted, as it were, and dash blindly into all sorts of dark alleys in quest of all sorts of Trouble, when, " Goodness knows," if they will only sit calmly and pleasantly by their firesides, Trouble will knock soon enough at their doors. Hunting Trouble is bad business. If we ever are induced to descend from our present proud position to become a mem ber of the Legislature, or ever accumulate sufficient muscle, impudence, and taste for bad liquor to go to Congress, we shall introduce " a william " for the suppression of Trouble- hunting. We know Miss Slinkins, who incessantly frets because Miss Slurkins is better harnessed than she is, won't like it ; and we presume the Simpkinses, who worry so much because the Perkinses live in a freestone-fronted house whilst theirs is only plain brick, won't like it also. It is doubtful, too, whether our long-haired friends, the Reformers (who think the machinery of the world is all out of joint, while we 508 DARK DOINGS, think it only needs a little greasing to run in first-rate style), will approve the measure. It is probable, indeed, that very many societies, of a reformatory (and inflammatory) character, would frown upon the measure. But the measure would be a good one nevertheless. Never hunt Trouble. However dead a shot one may be, the gun he carries on such expeditions is sure to kick or go off half-cocked. Trouble will come soon enough, and when he does come, receive him as pleasantly as possible. Like the tax- collector, he is a disagreeable chap to have in one's house, but the more amiably you greet him the sooner he will go away. XXIII. DARK DOINGS. FOUR promising young men of this city attended a ball in the rural districts not long since. At a late hour they retired, leaving word with the clerk of the hotel to call them early in the morning, as they wanted to take the first train home. The clerk was an old friend of the " fellers," and he thought he would have a slight joke at their expense. So he burnt some cork, and, with a sponge, blacked the faces of his city friends after they had got soundly asleep. In the morning he called them about ten minutes before the train came along. Feller No. 1 awoke and laughed boisterously at the sight which met his gaze. But he saw through it the clerk had played his good joke on his three comrades, and of course he would keep mum. But it was a devilish good joke. Feller No. 2 awoke, saw the three black men in the room, compre hended the joke, and laughed vociferously. But he would keep mum. Fellers No. 3 and 4 awoke, and experienced the same pleasant feeling ; and there was the beautiful spectacle of four nice young men laughing heartily one at another, each A HARD CASE. 509 one supposing the "urbane clerk" had spared him in his cork-daubing operations. They had only time to dress before the train arrived. They all got aboard, each thinking what a glorious joke it was to have his three companions go back to town with black faces. The idea was so rich that they all commenced laughing violently as soon as they got aboard the cars. The other passengers took to laughing also, and fun raged fast and furious, until the benevolent baggage-man, seeing how matters stood, brought a small pocket-glass and handed it around to the young men. They suddenly stopped laughing, rushed wildly for the baggage-car, washed their faces, and amused and instructed each other during the re mainder of the trip with some eloquent flashes of silence. XXIV. A HARD CASE. WE have heard of some very hard cases since we have en livened this world with our brilliant presence. We once saw an able-bodied man chase a party of little school-children, and rob them of their dinners. The man who stole the coppers from his deceased grandmother's eyes lived in our neighbour hood, and we have read about the man who went to church for the sole purpose of stealing the testaments and hymn- books. But the hardest case we ever heard of lived in Ar kansas. He was only fourteen years' old. One night he deliberately murdered his father and mother in cold blood, with a meat-axe. He was tried and found guilty. The Judge drew on his black cap, and in a voice choked with emotion asked the young prisoner if he had anything to say before the sentence of the court was passed on him. The court-room was densely crowded, and there was not a dry eye in the vast assembly The youth of the prisoner, his beauty and 5io REPORTERS. innocent looks, the mild lamblike manner in which he had conducted himself during the trial all, all had thoroughly enlisted the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in parti cular. And even the Jury, who had found it to be their stern duty to declare him guilty of the appalling crime even the Jury now wept aloud at this awful moment. " Have you anything to say 1 " repeated the deeply-moved Judge. " Why, no," replied the prisoner, " I think I haven't, though I hope yer Honour will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR ORPHAN ! " The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch without delay. XXV. REPORTERS. THE following paragraph is going the rounds : " How many a great man is now basking in the sunshine of fame generously bestowed upon him by the prolific genius of some reporter ! How many stupid orations have been made brilliant, how many wandering, pointless, objectless speeches put in form and ren dered at least readable, by the unknown reporter ! How many a disheartened speaker, who was conscious the night before of a failure, before a thin, cold, spiritless audience, awakes delighted to learn that he has addressed an overwhelming assemblage of his enthusiastic, appreciating fellow-citizens, to find his speech sparkling with 'cheers,' breaking out into ' immense applause,' and concluding amidst ' the wildest excitement !'" There is considerable truth in the above, we are sorry to etate. Reporters are too apt to smooth over and give a fair face to the stupidity and bombast of political and other public HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER. 511 humbugs. For this they are not only seldom thanked, but frequently are kicked. Of course this sort of thing is wrong. A Reporter should be independent enough to meet the ap proaches of gentlemen of the Nincompoop persuasion with a flat rebuff. He should never gloss over a political humbug, whether he belongs to " our side" or not. He is not thanked for doing it, and, furthermore, he loses the respect and confi dence of his readers. There are many amiable gentlemen ornamenting the various walks of life who are under the impression that for a dozen bad cigars or a few drinks of worse whisky they can purchase the " opinion" of almost any Re porter. It has been our pleasure on several occasions to dis abuse those gentlemen of this impression. Should another occasion of this kind ever offer, we feel that we should be " adequate" to treat it in a smilar manner. A Reporter, we modestly submit, is as good as anybody, and ought to feel that he is, everywhere and at all times. For one, let us quietly and without any show of vanity remark, that we are not only just as good as anybody else, but a great deal better than many we know of. We love God and hate Indians : pay our debts ; support the Constitution of the United States ; go in for Progress, Sunshine, Calico, and other luxuries ; are perfectly satisfied and happy, and wouldn't swop "sits" with the President, Louis Napoleon, the Emperor of China, Sultan of Turkey, Brigham Young, or Nicholas Long- worth. Success to us 1 XXVI. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET L lived in this city several years ago. He dealt in horses, carriages, &c. Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies up West, he embarked with a lot for that " great " country. A6 512 HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER. Toledo he took a Michigan Southern train. Somebody had, by way of a joke, warned him against the conductor of that particular train, telling him that said conductor had an eccen tric way of taking up tickets at the beginning of the journey, and of denying that he had done so and demanding fare at the end thereof. This the confiding L swallowed. He deter mined not to be swindled in this way, and so when the con ductor came around and asked him for his ticket he declined giving it up. The conductor insisted. L still refused. " I Ve got the little voucher in my pocket," he said, with a knowing look, slily slapping the pocket which contained the ticket. The conductor glanced at L 's stalwart frame. He had heard L spoken of as a fighting man. He preferred not to grapple with him. The train was a light one, and it so happened that L was the only man in this, the hind car. So the conductor had the train stopped, and quietly unhitched this car. "Good day, Mr L ," he yelled; "just keep that little voucher in your pocket, and be d d to you !" L jumped up and saw the other cars moving rapidly away. He was left solitary and alone in a dismal piece of woods known as the Black Swamp. He remained there in the car until night, when the down-train came along and took him to Toledo. He had to pay fare, his up through-ticket not being good on that train. His buggies had gone unattended to Chicago. He was very angry. He finally got through, buf he will never hear the last of that "little voucher." THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR. 513 XXVII. THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR. FEW have any idea of the trials and tribulations of the railway conductor " the gentlemanly conductor," as one-horse news papers delight in styling him. Unless you are gifted witb tb< patience of the lamented Job, who, tradition informs us, had " biles " all over his body, and didn't swear once, never go for a Conductor, me boy ! The other evening we enlivened a railroad car with our brilliant presence. Starting time was not quite up, and the passengers were amusing themselves by laughing, swearing, singing, and talking, according to their particular fancy. The Conductor came in, and the following were a few of the ques tions put to him : One old fellow, who was wrapped up in a horse-blanket, and who apparently had about two pounds of pigtail in his mouth, wanted to know " What pint of compass the keers was travellin in ? " An old lady, surrounded by band-boxes and enveloped in flannels, wanted to know what time the eight o'clock train left Eock Island for " Dubu-kue 1 " A carroty-haired young man wanted to know if " free omyi- buses " ran from the cars to the taverns in Toledo ? A tall, razor-faced individual, evidently from the interior of Connecti cut, desired to know if " conductin " paid as well eout West as it did deoun in his country ; and a portly, close-shaven man, with round keen eyes, and in whose face you could read the interest-table, asked the price of corner lots in Omaha. These and many other equally absurd questions the conductor an swered calmly and in a resigned manner. And we shuddered as we thought how he would have to answer a similar string of questions in each of the three cars ahead. 2 K 514 ARTEMUS WARD XXVIII. A. WARD AMONG THE MORMONS. REPORTED BY HIMSELF OR SOMEBODY ELSE. [The following rough report of Artemus Ward's Lecture in California appeared in the San Francisco Era, during the lecturer's visit to that city. It has been thought worthy of preservation in the form of a supplementary paper to the present little volume.] FELLER-CITIZENS AMD FELLER-CITIZENESSES, I feel truly glad to see you here to-night, more especially those who have paid, although I am too polite to say how many are here who have not paid, but who take a base advantage of the good-nature of my friend and manager, Kingston, bothering him to give them free tickets, gratis, and also for nothing ; and my former friend and manager, Eosenberg, assures me that the best way to pre vent a person from enjoying any entertainment is to admit them without the equivalent spondulics. What a man gets for nothing he don't care for. Talking of free tickets, my first lecture was a wonderful success house so full that everybody who could pay turned from the doors. It happened thus : Walking about Salt Lake City on the morning before the lecture, I met Elder Kimball. Well, I most imprudently gave him a family ticket. That ticket filled the house, and left about a dozen of the young Kimballs howling in the cold. After that I limited my family tickets to " Admit Elder Jones, ten wives, and thirty children." You may perhaps be astonished that I, a rather fascinating bachelor, escaped from Salt Lake City without the loss of my innocence. Well I will confess, confidentially, that was only by the skin of my teeth, and thanks to the virtuous lectur ing of my friend Kingston, whose British prejudices against AMONG THE MORMONS. 515 Bigamy, Trigamy, and Brighamy, saying nothing of Ninnyga- vigamy, could not be overcome. My narrowest escape was this : About six hours before I arrived an elder died. I think his name was Smith. You may have heard that name before; but it isn't the Smith you know it is quite another Smith. Well, this defunct elder left a small assortment of wives behind him I think there were seventeen of all ages, from seventeen to seventy. This miscellaneous gathering included three grand mothers, a fact which lent a venerable sanctity to the affair. I received an invitation I went and was introduced to the whole seventeen widows at once. Sam Weller or Dr Shelton Mackenzie I forget which says, "One widow is dangerous ;" but, perhaps, there is safety in a multitude of them. All I know is, that they made the tenderest appeals to me, as a man and a brother ; but I threw myself upon their mercy I told them I was far away from my parents and my Sainted Maria, and that I was a good young man ; and finally, I begged to know if their intentions were honourable ? One said : " Young man, dash not the cup of happiness from your life!" I said : " I have no objection to a cup, but I cannot stand an entire hogshead ! " They grew more and more tender two put their arms around me and pinioned me, while the other fifteen drew large shears from their pockets, and, under pretence of getting a lock of hair for each, they left me as bare as a goose-egg. Indians couldn't have scalped me closer. I made Samson-like, my escape from these Delilahs by stratagem. I assured them that I was sickening for the measles, which, like love, is always the more fatal the later it comes in life. I also told them that my friend Hingston was a much better looking man than I was ; also that he was an Englishman, and that, according to that Si6 ARTEMUS WARD nation's creed, every Englishman is equal to five Americans and five hundred Frenchmen : consequently there would be some to spare of him. This happy thought saved me. I was let off upon solemnly promising to deliver Kingston into their arms, bound, Laocoon-like, by the serpent spells of their charms, or, like Eegulus, potted and preserved in a barrel of finger nails, for their especial scratching. Kingston, little dreaming of the sale I had made of him, went on the pretended errand of conveying to these seventeen beauties a farewell bouquet. Poor fellow ! that is the last I ever saw of him he was never heard of again. The gentleman who acts as my manager is somebody else. I must ask the indulgence of the audience for twenty minutes, while I drop a few tears to his memory. (Here Artemus holds his head over a barrel, and the distinct dripping of a copious shower is heard.) As I feel a little better, I will recommence my lecture I don't mean to defend Mormonism indeed, I have no hesita tion in affirming, and I affirm it boldly, and I would repeat the observation to my own wife's face, if I had one, but as I haven't one, I'll say it boldly to every other man's wife, that I don't think it wise to marry more than one wife at a time, without it is done to oblige the ladies, and then it should be done sparingly, and not oftener than three times a day, for the marriage ceremony isn't lightly to be repeated. But I want to tell you what Brigham Young observed to me. " Artemus, my boy," said he, " you don't know how often a man marries against his will. Let me recite one case out of a hundred that has happened to myself. About three months ago a family arrived here they were from Hoboken every body knows how beautiful the Jersey girls are with the ex ception of applejack, they are the nicest things Jersey produces. Well, this family consisted of four daughters, a mother and two grandmothers, one with teeth, the other without. I took a fancy to the youngest of the girls, and proposed. After con- AMONG THE MORMONS. 517 siderable reflection she said : 1 1 can't think of marrying you without you marry my three sisters as well.' " After some considerable hesitation I agreed, and went to the girl's mother for her consent : ' No objection to your marrying my four girls, but you '11 have to take me as well.' After a little reflection, I consented, and went to the two grandmothers for their consent : ' No objection,' said the old dames in a breath, ' but you '11 have to marry us as well. We cannot think of separating the family.' After a little cosy hesitation on my part, I finally agreed to swallow the two old venerable antiquities as a sort of sauce to the other five." Under these circumstances, who can wonder at Brigham Young being the most highly married man in the Eepublic 1 In a word, he is too much married indeed, if I were he, I should say two hundred and too much married. As I see my esteemed friend Joe Whitton, of Niblo's Garden, sitting right before me, I will give him an anecdote which he will appreciate. There is considerable barter in Salt Lake City horses and cows are good for hundred-dollar greenbacks, while pigs, dogs, cats, babies, and pickaxes are the fractional currency. I dare say my friend Joe Whitton would be as much astonished as I was after my first lecture. Seeing a splendid house I naturally began to reckon my spondulics. Full of this Pactolean vision, I went into my treasurer's room. " Now, Kingston, my boy, let us see what the proceeds are! We shall soon make a fortune at this rate." Kingston with the solemnity of a cashier, then read the pro ceeds of the lecture : " Three cows, one with horns, and two without, but not a stumptail ; fourteen pigs, alive and grunting ; seventeen hams, sugar cured ; three babies in arms, two of them cutting their teeth, and the other sickening with the chicken-coop, or some such disease." There were no end of old hats, ladies' hoops, corsets, and another article of clothing, generally stolen from the husband. There was also a secondhand coffin, three 5i8 A. WARD AMONG THE MORMONS. barrels of turnips, and a peck of coals ; there was likewise a footless pair of stockings without the legs, and a pair of em broidered gaiters, a little worn. If I could find the legs be longing to them well, I won't say what I'd do now but leave all ladies in that pleasing state of expectation which is tn*e nappiness. Ladies and gentlemen, my lecture is done if fc refuse to leave the hall, you '11 be forcibly ejected, TKE END. 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A Village Com mune. Bimbi. Wanda. Frescoes. In Maremma. Othmar. Princess Naprax- By MARGARET A. PAUL. Gentle and Simple. BY JAMES PAYN. Lost Sir Massing- A Grape from a Thorn. Some Private Views. [Ward. The Canon's Talk of the Town. Glow-worm Tales. In Peril and Pri vation. Holiday Tasks. berd. Walter's Word. Less Black than We're Painted. By Proxy. High Spirits. Under One Roof. A Confidential Agent. From Exile. By E. C. PRICE. Valentlna. I The Foreigners. Mrs. Lancaster's Rival. By CHARLES READS. It Is Never Too Late to Mend. Hard Cash. | Peg Wofflngton. Christie Johnstone. Griffith Gaunt. | Foul Play. The Double Marriage. Love Me Little, Love Me Long. The Cloister and the Hearth. The Course of True Love. The Autobiography of a Thief. Put Yourself in His Place. A Terrible Temptation. The Wandering Heir. ASImpleton. A Woman-Hater. Readiana. Singleheart and Doubleface. The Jilt. Good Stories of Wen and other Animals. ' By MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. Her Mother's Darling. Prince of Wales's Garden-Party, Weird Stories. CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY. PICCADILLY NOVELS, continued BY F. W. ROBINSON. Women are Strange. The Hands of Justice. BY JOHN SAUNDERS, Bound to the Wheel. Guy Waterman. | Two Dreamers. The Lion In the Path. HY KATHARINE SAUNDERS. Margaret and Elizabeth. Gideon's Rock. I Heart Salvage. The High Mills. | Sebastian. BY T. W. SPEIGHT. The Mysteries of Heron Dyke. BY R. A. STERN DALE. The Afghan Knife. BY BERTHA THOMAS. Proud Maisie. | Cresslda. The Violin Player BY ANTHONY TROLLOPE. The Way we Live Now. Frau Frohmann. | Marion Fay. PICCADILLY NOVELS, continued ANTHONY TROLLOPE, continued, Kept In the Dark. Mr. Scarborough's Family. The Land-Leaguers. BY FRANCES E. TROLLOPE. Like Ships upon the Sea. Anne Furness, Mabel's Progress. BY IVAN TURGENIEFF, VELS, continued ES GIBBON. The Flower of the Forest. Braes of Yarrow. The Golden Shaft. Of High Degree. Fancy Free. Mead and Stream. Loving a Dream. A Hard Knot. Heart's Delight. A Fight with Fortune. MORTIMER & FRANCES COLLINS. Sweet and Twenty. | Frances. Blacksmith and Scholar. The Village Comedy. You Play me False. BY M. J. COLQUHOUN. Every inch a Soldier. BY MONCVRE D. CON WAY. Pine and Palm. BY DUTTON COOK. Leo. I Paul Foster's Daughter. BY C. EGBERT CRADDOCK. The Prophet of the Great Smoky Mountains. BY WILLIAM CYPLES. Hearts of Gold. BY ALPHONSE DAUDET. The Evangelist; or, Port Salvation. BY JAMES DE MILLS. Castle in Spain. BY J. LEITH DERWENT. Our Lady of Tears. | Circe's Lovers. BY CHARLES DICKENS. Sketches by Boz. I Oliver Twist. Pickwick Papers. | Nicholas Nickleby BY DICK DONOVAN. The Man-Hunter. Caught at Last! B? MRS. ANNIE EDWARDES. A Point of Honour. I Archie Lovell. By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS. Felicia. I Kitty. By EDWARD EGGLESTON. PERCY FITZGERALD. Bella Donna. | Never Forgotten. The Second Mrs. Tillotson. Polly. I Fatal Zero. Seventy-five Brooke Street- The Lady of Brantome. By ALBANY DE FONBLANQUE. Filthy Lucre. By R. E. FRANCILLON. Olympia. One by One. Queen Cophetua. A Real Queen. BY HAROLD FREDERIC. Seth's Brother's Wife. Prefaced by Sir H. BARTLE FRERE. Pandurang Harl. By HAIN FRISWELL. One of Two- By EDWARD GARRETT, The Cape! Girls. WILLIAM GILBERT. Dr. Austin's Guests. | James Duke. The Wizard of the Mountain. By JAMES GREENWOOD. Dick Temple. BY JOHN HABBERTON. Brueton's Bayou. | Country Luck. By ANDREW HALLIDAY Every-Day Papers. By LADY DUFFUS HARDY. Paul Wynter's Sacrifice. By THOMAS HARDY. Under the Greenwood Tree. By J. BERWICK HARWOOD. The Tenth Earl. BY JULIAN HAWTHORNE. Garth. ElllceQuentin. Prince Saroni's Wife. Sebastian Strome Dust. Beatrix Randolph. Love or a Name. Fortune's Fool. Miss Cadogna- By SIR ARTHUR HELPS. Ivan de Blron. By MRS. CASHEL HOEY. The Lover's Creed. By TOM HOOD. A Golden Heart. By MRS. GEORGE HOOPER. The House of Raby. By TIG HE HOPKINS. 'Twixt Love and Duty. By MRS. ALFRED HUNT. Thornicroft's Model. The Leaden Casket. Self-Condemned. That other Person. BY JEAN INGELOW. Fated to be Free. By HARRIETT JAY. The Dark Colleen. The Queen of Connaught. By MARK KERSHAW Colonial Facts and Fictions. By R. ASHE KING A Drawn Game. "The Wearing of the Green." By HENRY KINGSLEY Oakshott Castle. By JOHN LEYS. The Lindsays. By MARY LINSKILL. In Exchange for a Soul. By E. LYNN LINTON. Patricia Kemball. The Atonement of Learn Dundaa. CHATTO &> W INDUS, PICCADILLY. CHEAP POPULAR NOVELS, continued E. LYNN LINTON, continued The World Well Lost. Under which Lord ? With a Silken Thread. The Rebel of the Family. " My Love." | lone. BY HENRY W. LUCY. Gideon Fleyce. BY JUSTIN MCCARTHY. Dear LadyDisdain MissMisanthrope The Waterdale Donna Quixote. Neighbours. The Comet of a My Enemy's Season. Daughter. Maid of Athens. A Fair Saxon. Camiola. Linley Rochford. BY AIRS. MACDONELL. Quaker Cousins. BY KATHARINE S. MACQUOID. The Evil Eye. | Lost Rose. BY W. H. MALLOCK. The New Republic. BY FLORENCE MARRY AT. Open! Sesame. Fighting the Air. A Harvest of Wild Written in Fire. Oats. BY J. MASTERMAN. Half-a-dozen Daughters. BY BRANDER MATTHEWS. A Secret of the Sea. BY JEAN MIDDLEMASS. Touch and Go. | Mr. Dorillion. BY MRS. MOLESWORTH. Hathercourt Rectory. BY D. CHRISTIE MURRAY. ALife'sAtonement Hearts. A Model Father. Way of the World. Joseph's Coat. A Bit of Human Coals of Fire. Nature. CHEAP POPULAR NOVELS, continued BY MARGARET AGNES PAUL. Gentle and Simple. BY JAMES PAYN. Lost Sir Massing- Like Father, Like berd. Son. A Perfect Trea Marine Residence. sure. Married Beneath Bentinck's Tutor. Him. Murphy's Master. Mirk Abbey. [Won A County Family. Not Wooed, but At Her Mercy. Less Black than A Woman's Ven We're Painted. geance. By Proxy. Cecil's Tryst. Under One Roof. ClyfTards of Clyffe High Spirits. The Family Scape Carlyon's Year. grace. A Confidential Foster Brothers. Agent. Found Dead. Some Private Best of Husbands. Views. Walter's Word. From Exile. Halves. A Grape from a Fallen Fortunes. Thorn. What He Cost Her For Cash Only. Humorous Stories Kit: A Memory. Gwendoline's Har The Canon's Ward vest. Talk of the Town. 200 Reward. Holiday Tasks. By the Gate of the First Person Sin- Sea, gular. Val Strange Cynic Fortune. Old Blazer's Hero. BY ALICE O'HANLON. The Unforeseen. BY MRS. OLIPHANT. Whlteladles. | The Primrose Path. The Greatest Heiress In England. BY MRS. ROBERT O'REILLY. Phoebe's Fortunes. J-> 1 ^ Held In Bondage. J 1 LJfi . TwoLlttleWooden Strathmore. Shoes. Chandos. Ariadne. Under Two Flags. Friendship. Idalia. Moths. Cecil Castle- Pipistrello. maina's Gage. A Village Com fricotrin. | Puck. mune. tolle Farine. Bimbi. | Wanda. A Dog of Flanders. Frescoes. Pascarel. In Maremma. Slgna. [ine. Othmar. Princess Naprax- Wisdom, Wit, and In a Winter City Pathos. BY C, L. PIRKIS. Lady Lovelace."" BY EDGAR A. FOE. The Mystery of Marie Roget. BY E. C. PRICE. Valentlna. | The Foreigners Mrs. Lancaster's Rival. Gerald. BY CHARLES READS. It Is Never Too Late to Mend. Hard Cash. ( Peg Wofflngton. Christie Johnstone. Griffith Gaunt. Put Yourself in His Place. The Double Marriage. Love Me Little, Love Me Lena Foul Play. The Cloister and the Hearth. Tha Course of True Love. Autobiography of a Thief. A Terrible Temptation. The Wandering Heir. A Simpleton. A Woman-Hater. Readiana. The Jilt. Singleheart and Doubleface. Good Stories of Men and other Animals. BY MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. Her Mother's Darling. Prince of Wales's Garden Party Weird Stories. | Fairy Water. The Uninhabited House. The Mystery in Palace Gardens. BY F. W. ROBINSON. Women are Strange. The Hands of Justice. BOOKS PUBLISHED BY CHATTO & WINDUS. CHEAP POPULAR NOVELS, continued BY JAMES RUNCIMAN. Skippers and Shellbacks. Grace Balmaign's Sweetheart. Schools and Scholars. BY W. CLARK RUSSELL. Round the Galley Fire. On the Fo'k'sle Head. In the Middle Watch. A Voyage to the Cape. BY BAYLE ST. JOHN. A Levantine Family. BY GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA. Gaslight and Daylight. BY JOHN SAUNDERS: Bound to the Wheel. One Against the World. Guy Waterman. | Two Dreamers. The Lion in the Path. BY KATHARINE SAUNDERS. Joan Merryweather. Margaret and Elizabeth. The High Mills. Heart Salvage. | Sebastian. BY GEORGE R. SIMS. Rogues and Vagabonds. The Ring o' Bells. Mary Jane's Memoirs. Mary Jane Married. BY ARTHUR SKETCHLEY. A Match in the Dark. BY T. W. SPEIGHT. The Mysteries of Heron Dyke. The Golden Hoop. BY R. A, STERNDALE. The Afghan Knife. BY R. LOUIS STEVENSON. New Arabian Nights. | PrinceOttO. BY BERTHA THOMAS. Cressida. | Proud Malsle. The Violin-Player. B7 W. MOY THOMAS. A Fight for Life. BY WALTER THORNBURY. Tales for the Marines. Old Stories Re-told. BY T. ADOLPHUS TROLLOPS. Diamond Cut Diamond. BY ANTHONY TROLLOPE. The Way We Live Now. The American Senator. Frau Frohmann. | Marlon Fay. Kept in the Dark. Mr. Scarborough's Family. Th. Land-Leaguers. Tho Coicicn Lion of Granpere. John Caldigate. By F. ELEANOR TROLLOPE. Like Ships upon the Sea. Anne Furness. | Mabel's Progress. BY J. T. TROW BRIDGE. Farnell's Folly. J1Y IVAN TURGENIEFF, &c. Stories from Foreign Novelists. BY MARK TWAIN. Tom Sawyer. | A Tramp Abroad. CHEAP POPULAR NOVELS, continued' MARK TWAIN, continued. A Pleasure Trip on the Continent of Europe. The Stolen White Elephant. Huckleberry Finn Life on the Mississippi. The Prince and the Pauper. BY C. C. FRASER-TYTLER. Mistress Judith. BY SARAH TYTLER. What She Came Through. The Bride's Pass. Saint Mungo's City. Beauty and the Beast. Lady Bell. | Noblesse Oblige. Cltoyenne Jacqulllne I Disappeared BY J. S. WINTER. Cavalry Life. | Regimental Legends. BY H. F. WOOD. The Passenger from Scotland Yard BY LADY WOOD. Sablna. BY EDMUND YATES. Castaway. | The Forlorn Hope. Land at Last. ANONYMOUS. Paul Ferroll. Why Paul Ferroll Killed his Wife, POPULAR SHILLING BOOKS. Jeff Briggs's Love Story. By BRKT HARTE. [BRET HARTK. The Twins of Table Mountain. By A Day's Tour. By PERCY FITZGERALD. Mrs. Gainsborough's Diamonds. By JULIAN HAWTHORNE. A Dream and a Forgetting. By ditto. A Romance of the Queen's Hounds. By CHARLES JAMES. Kathleen Mavourneen. By Author of " That Lass o' Lowrie's.' 1 Lindsay's Luck. By the Author oi " That Lass o' Lowrie's." Pretty Polly Pemberton. By the Author of "That Lass o' Lowrie's." Trooping with Crows. ByC. L. PIRKIS The Professor's Wife. By L. GRAHAM. A Double Bond. By LINDA VILLARI. Esther's Glove. By R. E. FRANCILLON. The Garden that Paid the Rent By TOM JERROLD. Curly. By JOHN COLEMAN. Illus trated by J. C. DOLLMAN. Beyond the Gates. By E. S. PHELPS. Old Maid's Paradise. By E. S. PHELPS. Burglars in Paradise. ByE.S. PHELPS. Jack the Fisherman. ByE.S. PHELPS. Doom : An Atlantic Episode. By JUSTIN H. MCCARTHY, M.P. Our Sensation Novel. Edited by JUSTIN H MCCARTHY, M.P. Bible Characters. By CHAS. READI:. TheDagonet Reciter. ByG. R. SIMS. Wife or No Wife? By T. W. SPKIGHT. By Devious Ways. liyT.W.SpKioHT. The Silverado Squatters. By R. Louis STEVENSON. J. OGDEN AND CO. LIMITED, PRINTERS, GREAT SAFFRON HILL E.Q, UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A 000 702 273 4 University of California Library Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. OCT 1 2005 Subject to Recal