rl
 
 gp&R. 

 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE: 
 
 O R, 
 
 Memoirs of the B R D Family. 
 
 IN A SERIES OF 
 
 POETICAL EPISTLES. 
 
 Nullus in orbe locus Bail's praelucet amcenis. HOR. 
 
 THE EIGHTH EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for J. DODSLEY, in Pall-Mall; and FLETCHER 
 and HODSON, in Cambridge. 
 
 MDCCLXXJI.
 
 TO THE READER. 
 
 JL Here prefent you with a collection of letters, written 
 by a family during their reiidence at BATH. The firft 
 of them, from a romantic young lady, addreffed to her 
 friend in the country, will bring you acquainted with the 
 reft of the charaflers, and fave you the trouble of reading 
 a dull introdu&ory preface from 
 
 Your humble fervant, 
 
 THE EDITOR 
 
 863136
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PART I. 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 Parades at B; 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 A view of the Parades at Bath, with fome account of the 
 
 LET ' E R II. 
 
 Mr. B N R D'S reflations on his arrival at Bath. 
 The cafe of himfelf and company. The acquaintance 
 he commences, &c. &c. -?- 12 
 
 LETTER III. 
 The birth of FASHION, a fpecimen of a modern ode. 19 
 
 LETTER IV, 
 A confutation of PHYSICIANS. 28 
 
 LET-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER V. 
 
 SALUTATIONS of Bath, and an adventure of Mr. 
 B N R D'S in confequence thereof. 35 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 Mr. B--N--R--D gives a defcription of the BATHING. 43 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 A Panegyric on Bath, and a MORAVIAN HYMN. 52 
 
 .LETTER VIII. 
 
 Mr. B N R D goes to the Rooms. His opinion of 
 GAMING. 58 
 
 PART II. 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 Jet; R NA L. With a Song upon an eminent Cook at 
 Bath. 69 
 
 LET-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 TASTE and SPIRIT. Mr. B N -R D commences a 
 BEAU GARCON. 86 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 A defcription of the BALL, with an epifode on BEAU 
 
 NASH. * 93 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 A MODERN HEAD-DRESS, with a little POLITE CON- 
 VERSATION. i- ' 1O8 
 
 LETTER XHL 
 
 A PUBLIC BREAKFAST. Motives for the fame. 
 
 A lift of the company. A tender fcene.-* An 
 
 unfortunate incident. 117 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B--NR--D informs Lady BETTY how 
 ihehas been elected to METHODISM by a VISION. 129 
 
 LET-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Serious REFLECTIONS of Mr. B N R D. His 
 
 BILL of EXPENCES. The DISTRESSES of th 
 FAMILY. A FAREWELL to BATH. 133 
 
 EPILOGUE to the SECOND EDITION. 
 
 CRITICISMS, and the GUIDE'S CONVERSATION with 
 three LA DIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcretion. 143 
 
 A Letter to Mifs JENNY W D R at Bath, from Lady 
 ELIZ. M D ss, her friend in the country; a 
 young Lady of neither Fafhion, Tafle, nor Spirit. 149 
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. The LADIES' Re- 
 ceipt for a No VBL. The GnosTofMr. QUIN. 160
 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE. 
 
 PART the FIRST.
 
 The New BATH GUIDE, 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 Mifs JENNY W -D R, to Lady ELIZ. M-D-SS," 
 at Caftle, North. 
 
 A View from the Parades at BATH, with fome 
 Account of the DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
 
 JjWeet are yon' hills that crown this fertile vale ! 
 Ye genial fprings ! PIERIAN waters, hail ! 
 
 Hail woods and lawns ! Yes oft I'll tread 
 
 Yon' pine-clad mountain's fide, 
 Oft trace the gayenamell'd mead, 
 
 Where AVON rolls his pride. 
 
 B 2 Sure,
 
 (4) 
 
 Sure, next to fair CASTAHA'S flreams, 
 
 AndPiNDus'flow'ry path, 
 APOLLO moll the fprings efteems, 
 
 And verdant meads of Bath. 
 
 The mufes haunt thefe hallow'd groves, 
 
 -And here their vigils keep, 
 Here teach fond fwains their haplefs love* 
 In gentle {trains to weep. 
 
 From water fprung, like flow'rs from dew, 
 What troops of bards appear ! 
 
 The god of verfe and phyfic too, 
 Jnfpires them twice a year. 
 
 Take
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Take then, my friend, the fprightly rhyme, 
 While you inglorious wade your prime, 
 At home in cruel durance pent, 
 On dull domeftk cares intent, 
 Forbid, by parent's harih decree,. 
 To lhare the joys of Batb with me. 
 Ill-judging parent ! blind to merit, 
 Thus to confine a nymph of fpirit ! 
 With all thy talents doom'd to fade 
 And wither in th' unconfcious made ! 
 I vow, my dear, it moves my fpleert, 
 Such frequent inftances I've feen 
 Of fathers, cruel and unkind, 
 To all paternal duty blind. 
 
 B 3 What
 
 (6) 
 
 What wretches do we meet with often, 
 
 Whofe hearts no tendernefs can foften ! 
 
 Sure all good authors Ihou'd expofe 
 
 Such parents, both in verfe and profe, 
 
 And nymphs infpire with refoludon 
 
 Ne'er to fubmit to perfecution. 
 
 This wholefome fatire much enhances 
 
 The merit of our belt romances, 
 
 And modern plays that I could mention, 
 
 With judgment fraught, and rare invention, 
 
 Are written with the fame intention. 
 
 But, thanlc my ftars ! that worthy pair 
 
 Who undertook a guardian's care, 
 
 My fpirit never have confin'd ; 
 
 (An initance of their gen'rous mind) 
 
 For
 
 (7 ) 
 
 For Lady B N R D, my aunt, 
 
 Herfelf propos'd this charming jaunt, 
 
 All from redundancy of care 
 
 For SIM, her fav'rite fon and heir j 
 
 To him the joyous hours I owe 
 
 That Bath's enchanting fcenes bellow j 
 
 Thanks to her book of choice receipts 
 
 That pamper'd him with fav'ry meats ; 
 
 Nor lefs that day deferves a bleffing 
 
 She cramm'd his filler to excefs in : 
 
 For now ihe fends both fon and daughter 
 
 For crudities to drink the water. 
 
 And here they are, all bile and fpleen, 
 
 The ftrangefl fifh that e'er were feen ; 
 
 With TABBY RUNT, their maid, poor creature, 
 
 The queereil animal in nature, 
 
 B 4 I'm
 
 (8) 
 
 I'm certain none of HOGARTH'S fketchci 
 E'er form'd a fet of ftranger wretches. 
 I own, my dear, it hurts my pride, 
 To fee them blund'ring by my fide ; 
 My fpirits flag, my life and fire 
 Is mortify'd au dtfejpoir, 
 When SIM, unfafhionable ninny, 
 In public calls me coujin Jenny ; 
 And yet, to give the wight his due, 
 He has fotne mare of humour toe, 
 A comic vein of pedant learning 
 His converfation you'll difcern in, 
 The oddeft compound you can fee 
 Of fhrewdnefs and fimplicity, 
 With nat'ral ftrokes of aukward wit, 
 That oft, like PARTHIAN arrows, hit ;
 
 (9) 
 
 For when he feems to dread the foe, 
 He always ftrikes the hardeft blow ; 
 And when you'd think he means to flatter, 
 His panegyrics turn tofatire; 
 But then no creature you can find 
 Knows half fo little of mankind, 
 Seems always blund'ringin the dark, 
 And always making fome remark ; 
 Remarks that fo provoke one's laughter, 
 One can't imagine what he's after : 
 And fure you'll thank me for exciting 
 In SIMS wond'rous itch for writing ; 
 With all his ferious grimace 
 To give defcriptions of the place. 
 No doubt his mother will product 
 His poetry for gen'ral ufe, 
 
 And
 
 And if his bluntnefs does not fright you, 
 Hisobfervations mull delight you ; 
 For truly the good creature's mind 
 Is honeft, generous, and kind : 
 If unprovok'd, will ne'er difpleafe ye, 
 Or ever make one foul uneafy. 
 I'll try to make his fitter PRU 
 Take a fmall trip to Pin Jut too. 
 
 And Me the Nine fhall all infpire 
 To tune for thee warbling lyre : 
 For thee the Mufe lhall ev'ry day- 
 Speed, by the poft, her rapid way. 
 For thee, my friend, I'll oft explore 
 Deep treafures of romantic lore, 
 
 No
 
 ( II ) 
 
 Nor wonder if I gods create, 
 
 As all good bards have done of late ; 
 
 'Twill make my verfe run fmooth and even, 
 
 To call new deities from heaven : 
 
 Come then, thougoddefs I adore ! 
 
 But fofc my chairman's af th? door, 
 
 The ball's begun my friend, no more. 
 
 BATH, 1766. J W D *.
 
 LETTER II. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N-^R D to Lady B N R B, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Mr. B N R D'S reflexions on his arrival at Bath. 
 
 . The cafe of himfelf and company. The 
 
 acquaintance he commences, &c. &c. 
 
 VV E all are a wonderful diftance from home! 
 Two hundred and fixty long miles are we come ! 
 And fure you'll rejoice, my dear mother, to hear 
 We are fafely arriv'd at the fign of the Bear. 
 
 'Tis
 
 ( 13 ) 
 
 *Tis a plaguy long way ! but I ne'er can repine, 
 As my ftomach is weak, and my fpirits decline i 
 For the people fay here, be whatever your cafe, 
 You are fure to get well if you come to this place 
 Mifs JENNY made fun, as fhe always is wont, 
 Of PRUDENCE my fitter, and TABITHA RUNT ; 
 And every moment fhe heard me complain, 
 Declar'd I was vapour'd, and laugh'd at my pain. 
 What tho' at De<vixes I fed pretty hearty, 
 And made a good meal, like the reft of the party. 
 When I came here to Bath, not a bit could I cat, 
 Tho' the man at the Bear had provided a treat : 
 And fo I went quite out of fpirits to bed, 
 With wind in my ftomach, and noife in my head.
 
 ( 14) 
 
 As we all came for health (as a body may fay) 
 
 I fent for the doftor the very next day, 
 
 And the do&or was pleas'd, tho' fo Ihort was the warning* 
 
 To come to our lodging betimes in the morning ; 
 
 He look'd very thoughtful and grave, to be fure, 
 
 And I faid to myfelf, There's no hopes of a cure ! 
 
 But I thought I mould faint, when I fa\v him, dear mother, 
 
 Feel my pulfe with one hand, with a watch in the other J 
 
 No token of death that is heard in the night 
 
 Could ever have put me fo much in a fright ; 
 
 Thinks I 'tis all over my fentence is pall, 
 
 And now he is counting how long I may laft. 
 
 Then he look'd at , and his face grew fo long, 
 
 I'm fure he thought fomething within me was wrong. 
 He determin'd our cafes, at length, (G-d prefcrve us !) 
 I'm bilious, I find, and the women are nervous ; 
 
 Their
 
 Their fyftems relax'd, and all turn'd topfy-turvy, 
 
 With hypochondriacs, obftruflions, and fcurvy ; 
 
 And thefe are diftempers he muft know the whole on^ 
 
 For he talk'd of the peritoneum and colon, 
 
 Of phlegmatic humours oppreiling the women, 
 
 From feculent matter that fwells the abdomen ; 
 
 Butthenoife I have heard in my bowels, like thunder, 
 
 Is a flatus, I find, in my left hypochonder. 
 
 So plenty of med'cines each day does he fend 
 
 Poft jingulas liquidasfeJesfumend* 
 
 Ad crepltus e veffer > & man provomend* ; 
 
 In Englifh to fay, we muft fwallow a potion 
 
 For driving out wind after every motion ; 
 
 The fame to continue for three weeks at leaft, 
 
 Before we may venture the waters to tafle. 
 
 Five
 
 ( 16 ) 
 
 Five times have I purg'd, yet I'm forry to tell ye 
 I find the fame gnawing and wind in my belly; 
 But, without any doubt, I fhall find myfelf flronger, 
 When I've took the fame phyfic a week or two longer. 
 He gives little TAB BY a great many dofes, 
 For he fays the poor creature has got the Cbhrofis t 
 Or a ravenous Pica, fo brought on the vapours 
 By fwallowing fluff fhe had read in the papers ; 
 And often I've marvell'd fhe fpent fo much money 
 In Water-dock EJence, and Ealfam of Honey ; 
 Such tinftures, elixirs, fuch pills have I fcen, 
 I never could wonder her face was fo green. 
 Yet he thinks he can very foon fet her to right 
 With TeftiS Equit? that fhe takes every night ; 
 And when to her fpirits and flrength he has brought her, 
 He thinks fhe may venture to bathe in the water. 
 
 But
 
 ( '7) 
 
 But PRUDENCE isforc'd ev'ry day to ride out, 
 For he fays fhe wants thoroughly jumbling about. 
 Now it happens in this very houfe is a lodger, 
 Whofename'sNicooEMus, but fome call him ROGER., 
 And ROGER'S fo good as my fitter to bump 
 On a pillion, as Toon as fhe comes from the pump ; 
 He's a pious good man, and an excellent fcholar, 
 And I think it is certain no harm can befall her ; 
 For ROGER is conftantly faying his pray'rs, 
 Or finging fome fpiritual hymn on the flairs. 
 But my coufm Mifs JENNY'S as frefh as a rofe, 
 And the Captain attends her wherever fhe goes : 
 The Captain's a worthy good 'fort of a man t 
 For he calls in upon us whenever he can, 
 And often a dinner or fupper he takes here. 
 And JENNY and he talkofMiLTON and SHAKESPEAR : 
 C For
 
 For the life of me now I can't think of his name, 
 But we all got acquainted as foon as we came. 
 
 Don't wonder, dear mother, in verfe I have writ; 
 For JENNY declares I've a good pretty wit ; 
 She fays that ihe frequently fends a few verfes 
 To friends and acquaintance, and often rehearfes ; 
 Declares 'tis the falhion, and all the world knows 
 There's nothing fo filthy, fo vulgar as profe. 
 And I hope, as I write without any connexion, 
 I mall make a great figure in DODSLEY'S Collection j 
 Atleaft, when he chufeshis book to encreafe, 
 I may take a fmall flight as a fugitive fleet. 
 But now, my dear mother, I'm quite at a ftand, 
 So I reft your moft dutiful fon to command. 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R D
 
 LETTER III, 
 
 Mifs JENNY \V_ D R, to Lady ELIZ. M-D-SS, 
 At Cadle, North. 
 
 The BIRTH of FASHION, a fpecimen of a 
 Modern Ode. 
 
 OUre there are charms by heav'n affign'd 
 
 Tomodifh life alone ; 
 A grace, an air, a tafte refin'd, 
 
 To vulgar fouls unknown. 
 
 e 2 Natur .
 
 ( 20 ) 
 
 Nature, my friend, profufe in vain, 
 
 May ev'ry gift impart ; 
 If uniroprov'd, they ne'er can gain 
 
 An empire o'er the heart. 
 
 Drefs be our care in this gay fcene 
 
 Of pleafure's bleft abode ; 
 Enchanting Drefs ! if well I ween, 
 
 Fit fubjeft for an ode. 
 
 Come then, nymph of various mien, 
 Vot'ry true of beauty's queen, 
 Whom the young and age'd adore, 
 And thy diff'rent arts explore, 
 FASHION, come, On mea-while 
 Deign, fantaflic nymph, to fmile. 
 
 MORIAK
 
 MORI AH * thee, in times of yore, 
 To the motley PROTEUS bore ;, 
 He, in bifhop's robes array'd, 
 Went one night to mafquerade, 
 Where thy fimple mother ftray'd. 
 She was clad like harmlefs quaker, 
 And was pleas'd my Lord fhould take her 
 By the waift, and kindly fhake her ; 
 And, with look demure, faid me, 
 " Pray, my Lord, do you know me?" 
 He, with foothing flatt'ring arts, 
 Such as win all female hearts, 
 Much extoll'd her wit and beauty, 
 And declared it was his duty, 
 
 ThrGoddefc of Four, : 
 
 C 3 As
 
 As fhe was a maid of honour, 
 To confer his bleffing on her. 
 There, 'mid drefs of various hue, 
 Crimfon, yellow, green and blue, 
 All on furbelows and laces, 
 Slipt into her chafte embraces ; 
 Then, like fainted rogue, cry'd he, 
 " Little quaker -you knciu me." 
 
 FiirU with thee flie went to France, 
 Land renown'd for complaifance, 
 Vers'd in fcience debonnair, 
 Bowing, dancing, dreffing hair ; 
 There fhe chofe her habitation, 
 Fix'd thy place of education.
 
 Nymph, at thy aufpicious birth, 
 HEBE ftrew'd with flow'rs the earth; 
 Thee to welcome all the Graces, 
 
 Deck'd in ruffles, deck'd in laces, 
 
 
 With the God of love attended, 
 
 And the CYPRIAN queen defcended. 
 Now you trip it o'er the globe, 
 Clad in parly-colour'd robe, 
 And, with all th-y mother's fenfe, 
 Virtues of your fire difpenfe. 
 
 Goddefs, if from hand likemin*, 
 Aught be worthy of thy fluine, 
 Take the flow'ry wreath I twine. 
 Lead, oh ! lead me by the hand. 
 Guide me with thy magic wand, 
 
 C 4 Whether
 
 (24 ) 
 
 Whether thou, in lace an<i ribbons, 
 Choofe the form of Mrs. GIB BOMS, 
 Or the nymph of fmiling look, 
 At Bath yclept JAN ETTA COOK. 
 Bring, O bring thy eflence-pot, 
 Amber, mufk, and bergamot, 
 Eau de chipre, eau de luce, 
 Sans pareil, and citron juice. 
 Nor thy band-box leave behind, 
 Fill'd with (lores of ev'ry kind j 
 All th' enraptur'd bard fuppofes, 
 Who to FANCY odes compofes ; 
 All that FANCY'S felf has feign'd 
 In a band-box is contain'd : 
 Painted lawns, and checquer'd /hades, 
 Crape, that's worn by love-lorn maids, 
 Water'd tabbies, flowVd brocades j 
 
 Vi'letJ,
 
 ( 25) 
 
 Vi'lets, pinka, Italian pofies, 
 Myrtles, jeflamin, and rofes, 
 Aprons, caps, and 'kerchiefs clean, 
 Straw-built hats, and bonnets green, 
 Catgut, gauzes, tippets, ruffs, 
 Fans and hoods, and feather'd muffs, 
 Stomachers, and paris-nets, 
 Ear-rings, necklaces, aigrets, 
 Fringes, blonds, and mignionets ; 
 Fine vermilion for the cheek, 
 Velvet patches a la grecque. 
 Come, but don't forget the gloves, 
 Which, with all the fmiling loves, 
 VENUS caught young CUPID picking 
 From the tender breaft of chicken ; 
 
 Little
 
 ( 26 ) 
 
 Little chicken, worthier far, 
 Than the birds of JUNO'S car, 
 Soft as C v T H &R. E A 's do ve, 
 Let thy fkin my fltin improve ; 
 Thou by night fhalt grace my arm, 
 And by day fhalt teach to charm. 
 
 Then, O fweet goddefs, bring with thee 
 Thy boon attendant Gaiety, 
 Laughter, Freedom, Mirth, and Eafe, 
 And all the fmiling deities j 
 Fancy, fpreading painted fails, 
 Loves that fan with gentle gales. 
 
 But hark methinks I hear a voice, 
 
 My organs all at once rejoice ;
 
 ( 27 ) 
 
 A voice that /*>/, or/eems to fay y 
 " Sifter, hallen, filter gay, 
 
 ' Come to the pump-room come away." 
 
 \ 
 
 BATH, 1766. J W D *. 
 
 LETTER
 
 (28) 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 Mr.SiMKiN B N R D to Lady B N R D, 
 at , Hall, North. 
 
 A CONSULTATION of PHYSICIANS. 
 
 Ear mother, my time has beea wretchedly /pent 
 With a gripe or a hickup wherever I went, 
 My Somach all fwell'd, till I thought it woald burft, 
 Sre never poor mortal with wind was fo curd I 
 If erer 1 ate & good fupper at night, 
 Idream'd of the devil, and wak'd in a fright : 
 
 And
 
 And fo, as I grew ev'ry day worfeand worfe, 
 
 The doftor advis'd me to fend for a nurfe, 
 
 And the nurfe was fo willing my health to reftore, 
 
 She beg'd me to fend for a few doftors more ; 
 
 For when any difficult work's to be done, 
 
 Many heads can difpatch it much footer than one ; 
 
 And I find there are doctors enough at this place, 
 
 If you wanttoconfult in a dangerous cafe. 
 
 So they met all together, and thus began talking t 
 
 " Good doctor, I'm your's 'tis a fine day for walkings 
 
 " Sad news in the papers G-d knows who's to blame ! . 
 
 " The colonies feem to be all in a flame 
 
 " Thlsjtatnf.aa, no doubt, might be good for the Crown, 
 
 " But I fear 'tis a pill that will never go down 
 
 *' What can Portugal mean ? Isjke going to flir up 
 
 " Convulfions and heats in the bowels of Euroft ? 
 
 Twill
 
 ( 30 ) 
 
 '* 'Twill be fatal if England relapfes again, 
 * l From the ill blood and humours of Bmrlcn and Spain.' 19 
 Says I, * My good doctors, I can't underhand 
 * Why the deuce ye take fo many patients in'hand ; 
 ' Ye've a great deal of practice, as far as I find, 
 c Bat lines ye're come hither, do pray be fo kind 
 ' To write me down fomething that's good for the wind. 
 Mo doubt ye are all of ye great politicians, 
 ' But at prefent my bowels have need of phyficians : 
 .' Confider my cafe in the light it deferves, 
 ' And pity the flate of my ftomach and nerves.' 
 
 But a tight little doftor began a difpute 
 
 * 
 
 About adminiftrations, NEWCASTLE and BUTE, 
 
 Talk'd much of ceconomy, much of profufenefs. 
 
 Says another " This cafe, which at firft was a loofenefs, 
 
 "Is
 
 c Is become a Tenefmus> and all we can do 
 
 * Is to give him a gentle cathartic or two ; 
 
 *' Firft get off the phlegm that adheres to Plica?, 
 
 " Then throw in a med'cine that's pretty and fpicy ; 
 
 A. peppermint draught, or a Come, let's be gone, 
 
 *< We've another bad cafe toconfider at one." 
 
 So thus they brufh'd ofF, each his cane at his nole, 
 When JENNY came in, who had heard all their profe ; 
 " I'll teach them, fays flic, at their next confutation, 
 " To come and take fees for the good of the nation." 
 I could not conceive what a devil (he meant, 
 But flie feiz'd all the fluff that the dotfor had fent, 
 And out of the window me flung it down foufe, 
 As the firft politician went out of the houfe.
 
 (30 
 
 Deco&ions and fyrups around him all flew, 
 
 The pill, bolus, julep, and apozem too ; 
 
 His wig had the luck a cathartic to meet, 
 
 And fquafh went the gallipot under his feet. 
 
 She faid, 'twas a fhame I fhould fwallow fuch 'fluff, 
 
 When my bowels were weak, and the phyfic fo rough ; 
 
 Declar'd fhe was fhock'd that fo many fhould come 
 To be doflor'd to death fuch a diftance from home, 
 At a place where they tell you that water alone 
 Can cure all diftempers that ever were known. 
 But what is the pleafanteft part of the ftory, 
 She has order'd for dinner a piper and dory ; 
 For to-day Captain CORMORANT'S coming to dine, 
 That worthy acquaintance of JENNY'S and mine. 
 'Tis a fhame to the army, that men of fuchfpirit 
 Should never obtain the reward of their merit ; 
 
 Fox
 
 ( 33 ) 
 
 For the Captain's as gallant a man, I'll be fworri, 
 And as honeft a fellow as ever was born : 
 After fo many hardihips, and dangers incurr'd, 
 He himfelf thinks he ought to be better preferr'd. 
 And ROGER, or what is his name, NICODEMUS, 
 Appears full as kind, and as much toeiteem us ; 
 Our PRUDENCE declares he's an excellent preacher, 
 And by night and by day is fo good as to teach her j 
 His doflrine fo found with fuch fpirit he gives, 
 She ne'er can forget it as long as me lives. 
 I told you before that he's often fo kind 
 To go out a riding with PRUDENCE behind, 
 So frequently dines here without any preffing, 
 And now to the fifh he. is giving his bleffing 3 
 
 D And
 
 (34) 
 
 And as that is the cafe, tho' I've taken a griper, 
 I'll venture to peck at the dory and piper. 
 And now, my dear mother, &c, &c, &c. 
 
 Bath, 1766. S B N R DV 
 
 . 
 
 LETTER
 
 (35 ) 
 
 LETTER V. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R *> to Lady B N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 SALUTATIONS of BATH, and an adventure of 
 Mr. B N R D'S in confequence thereof. 
 
 O city, dear mother, this city excels 
 For charming Tweet founds both of fiddles and bells ; 
 I thought, like a fool, that they only would ring 
 For a wedding, or judge, or the birth of a king ; 
 
 D2 But
 
 ( 36 ) 
 
 But I found 'twas for me, that the good-natur'd peopTe 
 Rung fo hard that I thought they would pull down the 
 
 fteepte ; , 
 
 So I took out my purfe, as I hate to be fhabby, 
 And paid all the men when they came from the abbey ; 
 Yet fome thir.k it ftrange they Ihould make fuch a riot 
 In a place where fick folk would be glad to be quiet ; 
 But I hear 'tis the bus'nefs of this corporation 
 To welcome in all the great men of the nation, 
 For you know there is nothing diverts or employs 
 The minds of great people like making a noife : 
 So with bells they contrive alias much as they can 
 To tell the arrival of any fuch man. 
 If a broker, or ftatefman, a gamefler, or peer, 
 A nai'raliz'd Jew, or a bifhop comes here, 
 
 Or
 
 ( 37 ) 
 
 Or an eminent trader in cheefe fliould retire 
 Juft to think of the bus'nefs the ftate may require, 
 With horns and with trumpets, with riddles and drums, 
 They'll ftrive to divert him asfoon as he comes. 
 'Tis amazing they find fuch a number of ways 
 Of employing his thoughts all the time that he ftays ! 
 If by chance Cat great man at his lodging alcne is, 
 He may view from his window the colliers' ponies 
 On both the parades, where they tumble and kick, 
 To the great entertainment of thofe that are fick : 
 What a number of turnfpits and builders he'll find 
 For relaxing his cares, and unbending his mind, 
 While notes of fweet mufic contend with the cries 
 Qffne potted la<ver,frejh cyjlers, and pies ! 
 And mufic's a thing I Ihall truly revere, 
 Since the city-muficiana fo tickled my ear ; 
 
 D 3 For
 
 (38) 
 
 For when we arrived here at Bath t'other day, 
 They came to our lodgings on purpofe to play ; 
 And I thought it was right, as the mufic was come. 
 To foot it a little in TABITHA'S room, 
 For practice makes perfeft, as often I've read, 
 
 
 
 And to heels is of fervice as well as the head : 
 
 But the lodgers were fhock'd fuch a noife we fhould make. 
 
 And the ladies declar'd that we kept them awake ; 
 
 Lord RINGBONE, who lay in the parlour below, 
 
 On account of the gout he had got in his toe, 
 
 Began on a fudden to curfe and to fwear j 
 
 I proteft, my dear mother, 'twas Shocking to hear 
 
 The oaths of that reprobate gouty old peer : 
 
 " All the devils in hell fure at once have concurr'd 
 
 * * To make fuch a noife here as never was heard , 
 
 "Some
 
 < 39 ) 
 
 " Some blundering blockhead, while I am in bed, 
 " Treads as hard as a coach-horfe juft over my head ; 
 " I cannot conceive what a plague he's about, 
 ' Are the fidlers come hither to make all this rout 
 " With their d 'd fqueaking catgut, that's worfethan 
 
 " the gout ? 
 
 " If the aldermen bad 'em come hither, I fwear 
 " I wifh they were broiling in hell with the may'r ; 
 " May flames be my portion if ever I give 
 " Thofe rafcals one farthing as Jong as 1 live." 
 So while they were playing their mufical airs, 
 And I was juU dancing the hay round the chairs, 
 He roar'd to his Frenchman to kick them down flairs., 
 The Frenchman came forth with his outlandifh lingo, 
 Juft the fame as a monkey, and made all the men go ; 
 
 D 4 I could
 
 (4) 
 
 [could not make out what he faid, not a word, 
 And his Lord/hip declar'dlwas was veryabfurd. 
 Says I, ' Matter RINGBONE, I've nothing to fear, 
 Tho' you be a Lord, and your man a Mounfeer, 
 ' For the may'r and the aldermen bad them come here :, 
 ' As abfurd as I am, 
 
 * I don't care a damn 
 
 * For you, nor your valee dejham ; 
 
 * For a Lord, do you fee, 
 ' Is nothing to me, 
 
 ' Any more than a flea ; 
 
 * And your Frenchman fo eager, 
 f With all his foup meagre, 
 
 ' Is no more than a moufc, 
 
 * Qr a bug, oraloufr, 
 
 ' And I'll do as I pleafe while I flay in the houfe : 
 
 'For
 
 (41 ) 
 
 ' For the B N R D family all can afford 
 * To part with their money as free as a Lord." 
 
 So I thank'd the muficians, and gave them a guinea, 
 Tho' the ladies and gentlemen call'd me a ninny ; 
 And I'll give them another the next time they play, 
 For men of good fortune encourage, they fay, 
 All arts and all fciences too in their way ; 
 And the men were fo kind as to halloo and bawl, 
 f God blefs you, Sir, thank you, gocd fortune lefall 
 <* Vourfelf, and the B N R D family all." 
 
 Excufe any more. for I very well know 
 J5oih my fubjeft and verfc is exceedingly L*va ; 
 
 But
 
 (40 
 
 Bat if any great critic finds fault with my letter, 
 He has nothing to do but to fend you a better. 
 And now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 Path, 1766. S B N R D, 
 
 LETTER
 
 (43 
 
 t E T T E R VI, 
 
 I 
 
 Mr* SIM KIN B N R D to Lady B N 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 r. B N R D gives a defcription of the 
 BATHING. 
 
 T> . 
 His morning, dear mother, as fcon as 'twas light, 
 
 I was wak'd by a noife that aftonifh'd me quite, 
 For in TABITHA'S chamber I heard fucha cl -cr, 
 I could not conceive what the deuce was. the matter ; 
 
 And,
 
 ( 44) 
 
 And, would you believe it, I went up and found her 
 In a blanket, with two lufty fellows around her, 
 Who both feem'd a going to carry her off in 
 A little black box juft the fize of a coffin : 
 ' Pray, tell me, fays I, what ye're doing of there ?' 
 " Why, matter, 'tis hard to be bilk'd of our fare, 
 " And fo we were thrufting her into a chair : 
 " We don't fee no reafon for ufing us fo, 
 " For fhe bad us come hither, and now me won't go : 
 " We've earn'dall the fare, for we both came and knock'd 
 
 " her 
 
 " Up, as foon as 'twas light, by advice of the doclor ; 
 ' And this is a job that we often go a'ter 
 " For ladies that chufe to go into the water." 
 ' But pray, fays I, TABITHA, what is your drift 
 * To be cover'd in flannel inftead of a fhift ? 
 
 "Tis
 
 (45 ) 
 
 * ? Tis all by the dodor's advice, I fuppofe, 
 ' That nothing is left to be feen but your nofe r 
 I think, if you really intend to go in, 
 ' 'Twould do you more good if you ftript to the fkin,- 
 ' And if you've a mind for a frolic, i'fa'th, 
 f I'lljuft ftep and fee you jump into the bath/ 
 So they hoifted her down juft as fafe and as well 
 And as fnug as a hod'mandod rides in his (hell : 
 I fain would have gone to fee TAB IT HA dip, 
 But they torn'd at a corner and gave me the flip, 
 Yet in fearching about I had better fuccefs, 
 For I got to a place where the ladies undrefs : 
 Thinks I to myfelf, ihey are after fome fun, 
 And I'll fee what they're doing as fure as a gun : 
 So I pcep'J at the door, and I faw a great mat 
 That cover'J a table, and got under that, 
 
 And
 
 (46) 
 
 And laid myfelf down there, as fnug and as (HI/,- 
 (As a body may fay) like a thief in a mill : 
 And of all the fine fights I have feen, my dear mother^ 
 I never expeft to behold fuch another : 
 How the ladies did giggle and fet up their clacks, ' 
 All the while an old woman was rubbing their backs f 
 Oh 'twas pretty to fee them all put on their flannels, 
 And then take the water like fo many fpaniels ; 
 And tho' all the while it grew hotter and hotter, 
 They fwam, juftas if they were hunting an otter. 
 "Twas a glorious fight to behold the fair fex 
 All wading with gentlemen up to their necks, 
 And view them fo prettily tumble and fprawl 
 In a great fmoaking kettle as big as our hall : 
 And to-day many perfonsof rank and condition 
 Were boil'd by command of an able phyfician : 
 
 Dean '
 
 (47 ) 
 
 DeanSpAViN,DeanMANGEY, and Doftor 
 
 Were all fent from Cambridge to rub off their diiL; 
 
 flP 
 Judge BANE, and the worthy old Counfellor PEST, 
 
 Join'd iflue at once, and went in with the reft ; 
 And this they all faid was exceedingly good 
 For ftrength'ning the fpirits and mending the blood". 
 It pleas'd me to fee how they all were inclin'd 
 To lengthen their lives for the good of mankind ? 
 For I ne'er would believe that a bifhop or judge 
 Gan fancy old SATAN may owe him a grudge, 
 Tho'fome think the lawyer may chufe to </*#, 
 And the prieft till another occasion defer ; 
 And both to be better prepar'd for herea'ter. 
 Take a fmack of the brimftone contained in the water. 
 But, what is furprifing, no mortal e'er view'd 
 Any one of the phyfical gentlemen ftew'd ; 
 
 Sine*
 
 Sincethe day that king BLADUD J nrfi. found out tliebogs^ 
 A.id thought them fo good for himfelf and his hogs, 
 
 *y 
 
 Not one of the faculty ever has try'd 
 Thefe excellent waters to cure his own hide ; 
 Tho* many a fkilful and learned phyfician, 
 With candour, good fenfe, and profound erudition* 
 Obliges the world with the fruits of his brain, 
 Their nature and hidden eftedls to explain.; 
 Thus CHI RON advis'd Madam THETIS to take 
 And dip her poor child in the Stygian lake, 
 But the worthy old do&or was not fuch an elf 
 As ever to venture his carcafe himfelf. 
 So JASON'S good wife us'd to fet on a pot, 
 And put in at once all the patients fhegot, 
 
 Vide OLD BATH GUIDB, 
 
 Bat
 
 (49) 
 But thought it fufficient to give her dire&ion, 
 
 Without being coddled to mend her complexion : 
 
 ' i 
 
 And I never have heard that me wrote any treatife 
 
 To tell what the virtue of water and heat is. 
 You cannot conceive what a number of ladies 
 Were walh'd in the water the fame as ourmaid is : 
 Qldfiaron VANTEAZER, a man of great wealth, 
 Brought his lady the Baronefs here for her health ; 
 The Barone/s bathes, and me fays that her cafe 
 Has been hit to a hair, and is mending apace : 
 And this is a point all the learned agree on, 
 The Baron has met with the fate of ACTEON ; 
 Who, while he peep'd into the bath, had the luck 
 To find himfelf fuddenly chang'd to a bck. 
 MifsScRATCHix went in, and the Countefs of SCALES, 
 Both ladiis of very great fafhion in WALES ; 
 
 E Then
 
 ( So) 
 
 Then all on a fudden two perfons of worth, 
 My Lady PANDORA MAC'SCURVEY came forth, 
 With General SULPHUR arriv'd from the North. 
 So TABBY, you fee, had the honour of wafhing 
 With folk of diftindion and very high falhion ; 
 But in fpite of good company, poor little foul, 
 She (hook both her ears like a moufe in a bowl. 
 
 Ods bobs ! how delighted I was unawares 
 With the fiddles I heard in the room above flairs ; 
 For mufic is wholefome, the doftors all think, 
 For ladies that bathe, and for ladies that drink ; 
 And that's the opinion of ROBIN our driver, 
 Who whittles his nags while they ftand at the river: 
 They fay it is right that for every glafs 
 A tune you ihould take, that the water may pafs ;
 
 (50 % 
 
 So while little TABBY was warning her rump, 
 The ladies kept drinking it out of a pump. 
 
 I've a deal more to fay, but am loth to intrude 
 On your time, my dear mother, fo now I'll conclude. 
 
 Bath, 1766. 
 
 B- N R D. 
 
 E 2 
 
 LETTER
 
 (50 
 
 LETTER VII, 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R D to Lady B N^-R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A PANEGYRIC on BATH, and a MORAVIAN HYMN. 
 
 V^/F all the gay places the world can afford, 
 
 By gentle and fimple^ for paftime ador'd, 
 
 Fine balls, and fine concerts, fine buildings, and fpringj, 
 
 Fine walks, and fine views, and a thoufand fine things, 
 
 Not to mention thefweet fituation and air, 
 
 What place, my dear mother, with Bath can compare ? 
 
 Let BriJIolfor commerce and dirt be renown'd, 
 
 At Salisbury pen- knives and fciffars be ground j 
 
 The
 
 (53 ) 
 
 The towns of Devizes, of Bradford, and Promt, 
 
 May boaft that they better can manage the loom ; 
 
 I believe that they may ; but the world to refine, 
 
 In manners, in drefs, and politenefs to fhine, 
 
 O Bath /let the art, let the glory be thine. 
 
 I'm fure I have trayell'd our county all o'er, 
 
 And ne'er was fo civilly treated before j 
 
 Would you think, my dear mother, (without the leaft hint 
 
 That we all (hould be glad of appearing in print) 
 
 The news-writers here were fo kind as to give all 
 
 The world an account of our happy arrival ? 
 
 You fcarce can imagine what numbers I've met, 
 
 (Tho* to me they are perfectly ftrangers as yet) 
 
 Who all with addrefs and civility came, 
 
 And feem vaftly proud of SUBSCRIBING our name. 
 
 E 3 Youag
 
 (54) 
 
 Young TIMOTHY CANVASS is charm'd with the place, 
 Who, I hear, is come hither his fibres to brace ; 
 Poor man ! at th' eleftion he threw, t'other day, 
 All his victuals, and liquor, and money away ; 
 And fome people think with fuch ha'fte he began, 
 That foon he the conflable greatly outran, 
 And is qualify'd now for a parliament man : 
 Goes every day to the coffee-houfe, where 
 The wits and the great politicians repair ; 
 Harangues on the funds, and the {late of the nation, 
 And plans a good fpeech for an adminiftration, 
 In hopes of a place, which he thinks he defervcs, 
 As the love of his country has ruin'd his nerves. 
 Our neighbour, Sir EASTERLIN WIDGEON, has Avore 
 He ne'er will return to his bogs any more : 
 
 The
 
 ( 55 ) 
 
 The Thickfculls are fettled ; we've had invitations 
 With a great many more on the fcore of relations : 
 The Loungers are come too. Old STUCCO has juft fent 
 His plan for a houfe to be built in the Crefcent ; 
 'Twill foon be complete, and they fay all their work 
 Is as ftrong as St. Paurs, or the minder at Turk. 
 Don't you think 'twould be better to leafe our eftatr, 
 And buy a good houfe here before 'tis too late ? 
 You never can go, my dear mother, where you 
 So much have to fee, and fo little to do. 
 
 I write this in hafte, for the Captain is come, 
 And fo kind as to go with us all to the room ; 
 But be fure by the very next poll you fhall hear 
 Of all I've the pleafure of meeting with there : 
 
 E 4
 
 ( tf) 
 
 For I fcribble my verfe with a great deal of eafp, 
 And can fend you a letter whenever I pleafe ; 
 And while at this place I've the honour to Hay, 
 I think I can never want fomething to fay. 
 But now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 Bath, 1766. Sr B NR D. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT, 
 
 I'm forry to find at the city of Bath, 4 
 
 Many folk are uneafy concerning their faith : 
 NICODEMUS, the preacher, ftrives all he can do 
 To quiet the confcience of good filler PRUE ; 
 But TABBY from fcruples of mind is releas'd 
 Since fhe met with a learned MORAVIAN prieft, 
 
 Who
 
 (57) 
 
 Who fays, T&ere is neither tranfgrejjion nor fin ; 
 A doftrine that brings manycuftomers in. 
 She thinks this the prettieft ode upon earth, 
 Which he made on his infant that dy'd in the birth. 
 
 * 
 
 O > E.* 
 
 Chicken blefled 
 And carefled, 
 
 Little bee on JESU'S breaft ! 
 From the hurry 
 
 And the'flurry 
 * 
 
 Of the earth thou'rt now at reft. 
 
 * The learned MORAVIAN has pirated this Ode from Count 
 ZINZENDORF'S BOOK of HYMNS. Vid.H. 33, 
 
 LETTER
 
 ( 53) 
 
 LETTER VIIL 
 
 N R D to LadyB N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Mr. B K R D goes to the ROOMS. His opinion of 
 GAMING. 
 
 Jt/ Rom tbeearlieS ages, dear mother, till now, 
 AH fUtefrnen and great politicians allow 
 That nothing advances the good of a nation, 
 Like giving all money a free circulation : 
 TH qoeftion from members of parliament draws 
 IMaoy fpeeches that meet univerfal applaufe ; 
 
 And
 
 ( 59 ) 
 
 And if ever, dear mother, I live to be one, 
 I'll fpeak on this fubjeft as fure as a gun : 
 For Bath will I fpeak, and I'll make an oration 
 Shall obtain me the freedom of this corporation ; 
 I have no kind of doubt but the Speaker will beg 
 All the members to bear when I fet out my leg. 
 " Circulation of cafh circulation decay'd 
 " Is at once the deftruftion and ruin of trade ; 
 " Circulation I fay circulation it is, 
 " Gives life to commercial countries like this :" 
 What thanks to the city of Bath then are due 
 From all who this patriot maxim purfue ! 
 For in co place whatever that national good 
 Is praclis'd fo well, antl fo well underflood. 
 What infinite merit and praife does flie claim in 
 Her ways and her means for promoting of gaming ! 
 
 And
 
 An<? gearing, no doubt, is of infinite uf ^p^' ^ 
 That fame circulation of cafli to produce. 
 What true public- fpirited people are here, 
 Who for that very purpofe come every year 1 
 All eminent men, who no trade ever knew 
 But gaming, the only good trade to purfue : 
 All other profeftons are fubjeft to fail, 
 But^vra/Kg^s a bus'nefs will ever prevail ; 
 Befides, 'tis the only good way to commence 
 An acquaintance with all men of fpirit and fenfe ; 
 We may grub on without it thro' life, I fuppofe, 
 But then 'tis with people that nolady knows* 
 ' We ne'er can expeft to be rich, wife, or great, 
 Orlook'd upon fit for employments of ftate : 
 'Tis your men of fine heads, and of nice calculations, 
 That afford fo much fervice to adnainiftrations, 
 
 Who
 
 Who by frequent experience know how to devize 
 The fpeedieftmethods of raifing fupplies : 
 'Tis fuch men asthefe, men of honour and worth, 
 That challenge refpecl: from aH perfons of birth j 
 And is it not right they Ihould all be careft. 
 When they're all fo polite and fo very well dreft, 
 When they circulate freely the money they've won, 
 And wear a lac'd coat, tho' their fathers wore none ? 
 
 Our trade is encourag'd as much, if not more, 
 By the tender foft fex I (hall ever adore ; 
 But their hufbands, thofe brutes, have been known to cor*. 
 
 * . . 
 
 plain, 
 And fwear they tvill never fet foot here again.
 
 Ye wretches ingrate! to find fault with your wives, 
 The comfort, the folace, and joy of your lives ; 
 Oh that women, whofe price is fo far above rubies, 
 Should fall to the lot of fuch ignorant boobies ! 
 Don't SOLOMON fpeak of fach women with- raptur 
 In verfe his eleventh and thirty-firft chapter ? 
 And furely that wife king of Ifratl knew 
 What belong'd to a woman much better than you ! 
 He fays, " If yoir find out a virtuous wife, 
 " She will do a man good all the days of her life ; 
 " She deals like a merchant, fhe fitteth up late." 
 And you'll find it is written in verfe twenty-eight, 
 *' Her hufband is fure to be known at the gate. 
 " He never hath need or occafion for fpoil, 
 " When his wife is much better employ'd all the while ; 
 
 She
 
 (63 ) 
 
 " She feeketh fine wool, and fine linen Hie bays, 
 
 " And is clothed in purple and fcarlet likewifc." 
 
 Now pray don't your wives do the very fame thing, 
 
 And follow th' advice of this worthy old king ? 
 
 Do they fpare for expences themfelves in adorning ? 
 
 Don't they go about buying fine things all the moroiag? 
 
 And at cards all the night take the trouble to play, 
 
 To get back the money they fpent in the day ? 
 
 And fure there's no fort of occafion to {hew 
 
 Ye are known at the gate, or wherever ye go. 
 
 Pray are noryour ladies at Bath better plac'd 
 
 Than the wife of a king, who herfelffo difgrac'd, 
 
 And at Ithaca liv'd \nfucb very ba^tajle ? 
 
 Poor foul ! while her hulband thought proper to leave her, 
 
 She flr-'M all the day like a Spitalfields weaver, 
 
 And
 
 ( 64) 
 
 And then, like a fool, when her web was half fpun, 
 Pull'd to pieces at night all the work Ihe had done : 
 But thefe to their hufbands more profit can yield, 
 And are much like a lilly that grows in the field ; 
 They toil not indeed, nor indeed do they fpin, 
 Yet they never are idle when once they begin, 
 But are very intent on encreafing their ftore, 
 And always keep fhuffling and cutting for more : 
 Induftrious creatures ! that make it a rule 
 To fecure half the fifh, while they manage the pool j 
 So they win to be fure j yet I very much wonder 
 Why they put fo much money the candleltick under j 
 For up comes a man on a fudden, flapdafh, 
 Snuffs the candles, and carries away all the cafli : 
 And as nobody troubles their heads any more, 
 I'm in very great hopes that it goes to the poor. 
 
 Methinks
 
 Methinks I fhould like to excel in a trade 
 
 By which fuch a number their fortunes have made, 
 
 I've heard of a wife philofophical Jew, 
 
 That fliuifles the cards in a manner that's new ; 
 
 One JONAS, I think : And could wifh for the future 
 
 To have that illuftrious fage for my tutor ; 
 
 And the Captain, whofe kindnefs I ne'er can forget, 
 
 Will teach me a game that he calls lanfquenet j 
 
 So I foon fliall acquaint you what money I've won, 
 
 In the mean time I reft, your molt dutiful fon, 
 
 BATH, 1766. S B N R -D, 
 
 The END of the FIRST PART.

 
 THE 
 
 NEW BATH GUIDE. 
 
 PART the SECOND. 
 
 F 2
 
 PART THE SECOND. 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 Mifs JENNY W D R, to Lady ELIZ, M-D-SS, 
 At Cattle, North. 
 
 A JOURNAL. 
 
 |_ O humbler drains, ye Nine, defcend, 
 And greet my poor fequefter'd friend. 
 Not odes, with rapid eagle flight, 
 That foar above all human fight ; 
 Not Fancy's fair and fertile field, 
 To all the fame delight can yield. 
 
 F 3 But
 
 But come, CALLIOPE, and fay 
 How pleafure waftes the various day j 
 Whether thou art wont to rove 
 By Parade, or Orange Grove, 
 Or to breathe a purer air 
 In the Circus or the Square } 
 Wherefoever be thy path, 
 Tell, O tell the joys of atl>. 
 
 Ev'ry morning, ev'ry night, 
 Gayeft fcenes of frem delight ; 
 When AURORA meds her beams, 
 Wak'd from foft Elyfian dreams, 
 Mufic cills me to the fpring 
 Which can health and fpirits bring ; 
 
 There
 
 There HYCEIA, goddels, pours 
 
 Bleffings from her various flores ; 
 
 Let me to her altars hafte, 
 
 Tho' I ne'er the waters tafle, 
 
 Near the pump to take my Hand, 
 
 With a nofegay in my hand, 
 
 And to hear the Captain fay, 
 
 " How d'ye do, dear Mifs, to-day ?" 
 
 The Captain ! Now you'll fay, my dear, 
 
 Methinks I long his name to hear, 
 
 Why then but don't you tell my aunt, 
 
 The Captain's na:ne is CORMORANT : 
 
 But hereafter you muft know, 
 
 I fhall call him ROMEO, 
 
 And
 
 And your friend, dear lady BET, 
 JENNY no more, but JULIET. 
 
 O ye guardian fpirits fair, 
 AH who make true love your care, 
 May I oft my ROMEO meet, 
 Oft enjoy his converfe fweet j 
 I alone his thoughts employ 
 Thrpugh each various fcene of joy ! 
 Lo! where all thejocun^ throng 
 From the pump-room haftes along, 
 To the breakfaft all invited 
 By Sir TOBJT, lately knighted. 
 See with joy my ROMEO comes, 
 me to the Rooms; 
 
 Ther
 
 (73) 
 
 There he whifpcrs, not unfeen, 
 Tender tales behind the fcreen ; 
 While his eyes are fix'd on mine 
 See each nymph with envy pine, 
 And with looks of forc'd difdain, 
 Smile contempt, but figh in vain. 
 
 O the charming parties made ! 
 Some to walk the fouth parade, 
 Some to L i N G o M B 's fli ady groves, 
 Or to SIMPSON 's proud alcoves ; 
 Some for chapel trip away, 
 Then take places for the play ; 
 Or we walk about in pattins, 
 Buying gauzes, chcap'nir.g fattins, 
 
 Or
 
 ( 74) 
 
 Or to PA i N T E R'S we repair, 
 Meet Sir PEREGRINE HATCHET there, 
 Pleas'd the artift's flcill to trace 
 In his dear Mifs GORGON'S face : 
 Happy pair ! who fix'd as fate 
 For the fweet connubial flate, 
 Smile in canvas tete a tele. 
 If the weather, cold and chill, 
 Calls us all to Mr. GILL, 
 ROMEO hands to me the jelly, 
 Or the foup of vermicelli ; 
 If at TOYSHOP I ftep in, 
 He prefents a diamond pin ; 
 Sweeteft token I can wear, 
 Which at once may grace my hair, 
 
 And,
 
 ( 75 ) 
 
 And, in witnefs of my flame, 
 Teach, the glafs to bear his name ; 
 See him turn each trinket over, 
 If for me he can difcover 
 Aught his paffion to reveal, 
 Emblematic ring or feal ; 
 CUPID whetting pointed darts, 
 For a pair of tender hearts ; 
 HYMEN lighting facred fires, 
 Types of chaile and fond defires. 
 Thus enjoy we ev'ry bleffing. 
 Till the toilet calls to dreffing ; 
 Where's my garnet, cap, and fprig ? 
 Send for SINGE to drefs my wig : 
 Bring my filver'd mazarine, 
 Sweeteft gown that e'er was feen : 
 
 TABITHA,
 
 TABITHA, put on ray ruff: 
 Where's my dear delightful muff? 
 Muff, my faithful ROMEO'S prefent ! 
 Tippet too frorr. tail of pheafant! 
 Muff from dcvvny breaftcffwan ! 
 O the dear enchanting man ! 
 Muff that makes me think how JOVE 
 Flew to LED A from above- 
 Muff that TABBY, fee who rapt then. 
 " Madam, Madam, 'tis the Captain!" 
 Sure his voice I hear below, 
 'Tis, it is my ROMEO ! 
 Shape and gait, and carelefs air, 
 Diamond ring, and folicaire, 
 Birth and fafhion all declare* 
 
 How
 
 (77) 
 
 How his eyes, that gently roll 
 Speak the language of his foul ! 
 See the dimple on his cheeky 
 See him fmile and fweedy fpeak, 
 " Lovely nymph, at your command* 
 " I have fomething in my hand, 
 
 " Which I hope you'll not refufe, 
 " 'Twill us both at night amufe : 
 
 " Whattho' Lady WHISKER crave it, 
 '' And Mifs BADGER longs to have it, 
 " 'Tis, by t JUPITER I fwear, 
 
 " 'Tis for you alone, my dear : 
 
 " See this ticket, gentle maid, 
 
 At your feet an off'ring laid ; 
 
 Thee the loves and graces call 
 
 " To a little private ball : 
 
 * Arid
 
 (7* ) 
 
 " And to play I bid adieu, 
 " Hazard, lanfqvienet, and loo, 
 " Faireil nymph, to dance with you." 
 I with joy accept his ticket, 
 And upon my bofom ftick it : 
 Well I know howRoMEO dances, 
 With what air he firft advances, 
 With what grace his gloves he draws on> 
 Claps, and calls up Nancy Davjfcn ; 
 Me thro' ev'ry dance conducing, 
 And the mufic oft inftru&ing ; 
 See him tap, the time to fhew, 
 With his light fantalHc toe ; 
 SkilPd in ev'ry art to pleafe, 
 From the fan to waft the breeze. 
 
 Or
 
 (79) 
 
 Or his bottle to produce, 
 Fill'd with pungent Eau de Luce. 
 Wonder not, my friend, I go 
 To the ball with ROMEO. 
 
 Such delights if thou canft give, 
 Bath, at thee I choofe to live. 
 
 BATH, 1766. J W D R. 
 
 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 Inclos'd you'll find fome lines, my dear, 
 Made by a hungry poet here, 
 
 A happy
 
 A happy bard, who rhymes and eats* 
 And lives by utt'ring quaint conceits J 
 Yet thinks to him alone belong 
 The laurels due to modern fong. 
 
 SONG.
 
 ( Si ) 
 
 SONG. 
 
 A CHARGE to the POETS. 
 
 Written at Mr. GILL'S, an eminent Cook at BATH. 
 Ov ?T&? TrxvTog l<TTiv aglvffou xaAw$. Frag. Vet. Poet. 
 
 J[ E bards who fing the hero's praife, 
 Or lafs's of the mill, \Forte* 
 
 A loftier theme invites your lays, 
 Come tune your lyres to GILL. 
 
 Of all the cooks the world can boaft, 
 
 However great their {kill, 
 To bake, or fry, to boil, or roaft, 
 
 There's none like Matter GILL. 
 
 G Sweet
 
 ( 82 ) 
 
 Sweet rhyming troop, no longer Hoop 
 
 To drink CASTALIA'S rill, 
 Whene'er ye droop, O fafte the foup 
 
 That's made by Matter GILL. 
 
 O tafle this foup for which the fair, 
 
 When hungry, cold, and chill, 
 Forfake the Circus and the Square 
 
 To eat with Matter GILL. 
 
 Tis this that makes my CnLOE'slips 
 
 Ambrofial fweets diftil ; \_A/ettuoJ 
 
 For leeks and cabbage oft fhe fips 
 In foup that's made by GILL.
 
 83 
 
 Immortal bards, view here your wit, 
 The labours of your quill, 
 
 To finge the fowl upon the fpit 
 Condemn'd by Mafter GILL. 
 
 My humble verfe that fate will meet, 
 
 Nor mail I take it ill ; 
 Bat grant, ye gods ! that I may eat 
 
 That fowl, when dreft by GILL. 
 
 Thefe are your true poetic fires 
 That dreft this fav'ry grill ; 
 
 E'en while I eat the mufe infpires, 
 And tunes my voice to GILL. 
 
 G 2 When
 
 (8 4 ) 
 
 When C ftrikes the vocal lyre, 
 Sweet LYDIAN meafures thrill ; 
 
 But I the gridir'n more admire, 
 When tun'd by Matter GILL. 
 
 1 Come take my fage of ancient ufe,* 
 Cries learned Doftor H LL : 
 
 But what's the fage without the goofe ?" 
 Replies my Matter GILL. 
 
 He who would fortify his mind, 
 
 His belly firft mould fill; 
 Roaft beef 'gainft terrors bett you'll find ; 
 
 " tte Greeks knew this" fays GILL. 
 
 You; 
 
 i
 
 (35) 
 
 Your fpirits and your blood to ftir 
 
 Old GAL EN gives a pill ; 
 But I the forc'd-meat ball prefer, 
 
 Prepar'd by Matter GILL, 
 
 While he fo well can broil and bake, 
 
 I'll promife and fulfil, 
 No other phyfic e'er to take 
 
 Than what's prefcrib'd by GILL, 
 
 Your bard has liv'd at Ball fo long, [Piano. 
 
 He dreads to fee your bill 
 Initead of cafh accept this fong, \PianiJJimo* 
 
 My worthy Matter GILL. 
 
 63 LETTER
 
 (86) 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R D to Lady B N R D , 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 TASTE and SPIRIT. -Mr. B N R D commences 
 a BEAU GARJON. 
 
 OO lively, fo gay, my dear mother, I'm grown, 
 J long to do fomething to make myfelf known ; 
 For perfons oftafte and true^/V//, I find, 
 Are fond of attracting the eyes of mankind : 
 What numbers one fees, who, for that very reafon, 
 Come to make fuch a figure at Bath ev'ry feafon ! 
 
 'Tis
 
 ( 8; ) 
 
 'Tis this that provokes Mrs. SHENKIN Ar-LEEK 
 To dine at the ord'nary twice in a week, 
 Tho' at home fhe might get a good dinner in comfort, 
 Nor pay fuch a curfed extravagant fum for't : 
 But then her acquaintance would never have known 
 Mrs. SHENKIN AP-LEEK had acquir'd a Ion ton ; 
 Ne'er fhewn how in tajle the AP-LEEKS can excel 
 The Duchefs of TRUFFLES, and Lady MORELL ; 
 Had ne'er been ador'd by Sir PYE MACARONI, 
 And Count VERMICELLI, his intimate crony ; 
 Both men of fuch tafte, their opinions are taken 
 From an ortolan down to a raflier of bacon. 
 
 What makes KITTY SPICER, and little Mifs SAGO, 
 To au&ions and milliners fhops ev'ry day go ? 
 
 G 4 What
 
 ( 88 ) 
 
 What makes them to vie with each other, and quarrel 
 Which fpends the mod money for fplendid apparel ? 
 "Why, Spirit to fhew they have much better fenfe 
 Than their fathers, who rais'd it by ihillings and pence. 
 What fends PETER TEWKSBUB.Y every night 
 To the play with fuch infinite joy and delight ? 
 Why, PETER'S a critic, with true Attic fait, 
 Can damn the performers, can hifs, and find fault, 
 And tell when we ought to exprefs approbation, 
 By thumping, and clapping, and vociferation ; 
 So he gains our attention, and all muft admire 
 Young TEWKSBURY'S judgment, hlsjju'rit and fire. 
 But JACK DILETTANTE defpifes the play'rs, 
 To concerts and mufical parties repairs, 
 With benefit- tickets his pockets he fills, 
 Like a mountebank doflordiflributes his bills j 
 
 And
 
 (So) 
 
 And thus his importance and intereft {hews, 
 
 By conferring his favours wherever he goes : 
 
 He's extremely polite both to me and my coufin, 
 
 For he often defires us to take off a dozen : 
 
 He has tafte, without doubt, and a delicate ear, 
 
 No vile oratorios ever could bear ; 
 
 But talks of the op'ras and his Signiora, 
 
 Cries bravo, lenijjimo, bravo, encora ! 
 
 And oft is fo kind as to thruft in a note 
 
 While old Lady CUCKOYV is draining her throat, 
 
 Or little Mifs WREN, who's an excellent finger ; 
 
 Then he points to the notes, with a ling on his finger. 
 
 And (hews her the crotchet, the quaver, and bar, 
 
 All the time that fhe warbles and plays fa guitar ; 
 
 Yet, I think, tho' /he's at it from morning 'till noon, 
 
 Her queer little thingumbob's never in tune. 
 
 Thank
 
 (90) 
 
 Thank Heaven ! of late, my dear mother, ir.y face is 
 Not a little regarded at all public places ; 
 For I ride in a chair, with my hands in a muff, 
 And have bought a filk coat and embroider'd the cuff; 
 But the weather was cold, and the coat it was thin, 
 So the taylor advis'd me to line it with fkin : 
 But what with my Ntftitrtnit* hat can compare, 
 Bag-wig, and he'd ruffles, and black folitaire? 
 And what can a man of true fafhion denote, 
 Like an ell of good ribbon ty'd under the throat ? 
 My buckles and box are in exquifite tafle, 
 The one is of paper, the other of pafte j 
 And fure no Camajeu was ever yet feen 
 Like that which I purchas'd at WICKS TED'S machine: 
 
 My
 
 ( 9' ) 
 
 My (lockings, of filk, are juft come from the hofier, 
 
 For to-night I'm to dance with the charming Mifs TOZI ER ; 
 
 So I'd have them to know, when I go to the ball, 
 
 -"'. 
 I mail mew as much tajle as the beft of them all : 
 
 For a man of great fafhion was heard to declate 
 
 He never beheld fo engaging an air, 
 
 And fwears all the world mud my judgment confefs, 
 
 My folidity, fenfe, under/landing in drefs ; 
 
 My manners fo form'd, and my wig fo well curl'd, 
 
 I look like a man of the veryfrfl world : 
 
 But my perfon and figure you'll beft underftand 
 
 From the picture I've fent, by an eminent hand : 
 
 Shew it young Lady BETTY, by way of endearance, 
 
 And to give her a fpice of my mien and appearance. 
 
 Excufe
 
 Excufe any more, I'm in hafte to depart, 
 
 For a dance is the thing that I love at my heart. 
 
 So now, my dear mother, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 Bath, 1766. " S B N R . 
 
 LETTER
 
 (93) 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R D to Lady B N R-*-D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A description of the BALL, with an epifodeon 
 BEAU NASH. 
 
 Hat joy at the ball, what delight have I fouad, 
 By all the bright circle encompafs'd around ! 
 Each moment with tranfport my bofom felt warm, 
 For what, my dear mother, like beauty can charm i 
 The remembrance alone, while their praife I rehearfe, 
 Gives life to my numbers, and ftrength to my verfe: 
 
 Then
 
 ( 94 ) 
 
 Then allow for the rapture the Mufes infpire, 
 Such themes call aloud for poetical fire. 
 Fveread how the goddefTes meet all above,] 
 And throng the immortal affemblies of JOVE, 
 Whenjoin'd with the Graces fair VENUS appears, 
 Ambrofial fweet odours perfume all the fpheres ; 
 But the Goddefs of Love, and the Graces and all, 
 Mufl yield to the beauties I've feen at the ball ; 
 For JOVE never felt fuch a joy at his heart, 
 Such a heat as thefe charming fweet creatures impart. 
 In fhort there is fomething in very fine women, 
 When they meet altogether that's quite overcoming. 
 
 Then fay, O'ye nymphs that inhabit the (hades 
 Of Plndus 1 fweet banks, Heliconian maids, 
 
 Celeaiai
 
 (95) 
 
 Celeftial Mufes, ye powers divine, 
 
 O fay, for your memory's better than mine, 
 
 What troops of fair virgins afTembled around, 
 
 What fquadrons of heroes for dancing renown'd, 
 
 Were rouz'd by the fiddle's harmonious found. 
 
 What goddefsfhall firft be the theme of my forg, 
 
 Whofename the clear AVON may murmur along, 
 
 And echo repeat all the vallies among 1 
 
 Lady TETTATON'S fitter, Mil's FUBB Y FATARMIN, 
 
 Was the firft that prefented her perfon fo charming, 
 
 Than whom more engaging, more beautiful none, 
 
 A goddefs herfelf among goddefles (hone, 
 
 Excepting the lovely Mifs TOWZER alone. 
 
 'Tis me that has long been the toaft of the town, 
 
 Tho' all the world knows her complexion is brown i 
 
 If
 
 (95) 
 
 If fome people think that her mouth be too wide, 
 Mifs TOWZER has numberlefs beauties befide ; 
 A countenance noble, with fweet pouting lips, 
 And a delicate (hape, from her waift to her hips ; 
 Befides a prodigious rough black head of hair 
 That is frizzled and curPd o'er her neck that is bare : 
 I've feen the fweet creature but once, I confefs, 
 But her air and her manner, and pleafing addrefs, 
 
 All made me feel fomething I ne'er can exprefs. 
 
 t 
 
 But lo ! on a fudden what multitudes pour 
 From Cambrian mountains, from Indian more ; 
 Bright maidens, bright widows, and fortunate fwains, 
 Who cultivate L i FFY'S fweet borders and plains, 
 
 And
 
 (97 ) 
 
 And they who their flocks in fair ALBION feed, 
 Rich flocks and rich herds, (fo the gods have decreed) 
 Since they quitted the pleafanter banks of the Tweed. 
 Yet here no confufion,Tio tumult is known, 
 Fair order and beauty eftablifh their throne ; 
 
 " ' 4 
 
 For order, and beauty, and juft regulation, 
 Support all the works of this ample creation. 
 For this, in compaflion to mortals below, 
 The gods, their peculiar favour to fhew, 
 Sent HERMES to Bath in the (hape of a BEAU : 
 That grandfon of ATLAS came down from above 
 To blefs all the regions of pleafure and love ; 
 To lead the fair nymph thro* the various maze, 
 Bright beauty to marlhal, his glory and praife; 
 To govern, improve, and adorn the gay fcene, 
 By the graces inltrufted, and Cyprian queen : 
 
 H As
 
 (98 ) 
 
 As when in a garden delightful and gay, 
 
 Where FLORA is wont all her charms to difplay, 
 
 The fweet hyacinthus with pleafure we view 
 
 Contend with narciffus in delicate hue, 
 
 The gard'ner indaftrious trims out his border, 
 
 Puts each odoriferous plant in its order ; 
 
 The myrtle he ranges, the rofe and the lilly, 
 
 With iris and crocus, and daffa-down-dilly ; 
 
 Sweet peas and fweet oranges all he difpofes 
 
 At once to regale both your eyes and your nofes : 
 
 Long reign'd the great NASH, this omnipotent Lord, 
 
 Refpefted by youth, and by parents ador'd j 
 
 For him not enough at a ball to prefide, 
 
 Th' unwary and beautiful nymph would he guide j 
 
 Oft tell her a tale, how the credulous maid 
 
 By man, by perfidious man is betray'd j 
 
 Taugh
 
 (99) 
 
 Taught Charity's hand to relieve the diftreft, 
 
 While tears have his tender compaffion expreft : 
 
 But alas ! he is gone, and the city can tell 
 
 How in years and in glory lamented he fell ; 
 
 Himmourn'd all the Dryads on CLAVERTON'S ihount; 
 
 Him AVON deplor'd, him the Nymph of the Fount, 
 
 The Cryftalline ftreams. 
 
 Then perifli his picture, his ftatue decay* 
 
 A tribute more lafting the mufes fhall pay. 
 
 If true what philofophers all will aflure us, 
 
 Who diflent from the do&rine of great EPICURUS, 
 
 That the fpirit's immortal : as poets allow, 
 
 If life's occupations are follow'd below: 
 
 In reward of his labours, his virtue and pains, 
 
 He is footing it now in th' Elyfian plains, 
 
 H 2 indulg'd,
 
 Indulg'd, as a token of PROSERPINE'S favour, 
 Toprefide at her balls in acream-colour'd beaver : 
 Then peace to his afhes our grief be fuppreft, 
 Since we find fuch a phoenix has fprung from his neft : 
 Kind Heaven has fent us another profeflbr, 
 Who follows the ftepsof his great predeceflbr. 
 
 But hark, now they ftrike the melodious firing, 
 The vaulted roof echoes, the manfions all ring ; 
 At the found of the hautboy, the bafs, and the fiddle. 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER fteps forth in the middle, 
 Like a holy-hock, noble, majeftic, and tall, 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER firft opens the ball : 
 Sir BOREAS, great in the minuet known, 
 Since the day that for dancing his talents were fhevvn 
 Where the fcience is pradlis'd by gentlemen grown. 
 
 For
 
 v ' 
 
 For in every fcience, in ev'ry profeffion, 
 
 We make the belt progrefs at years of difcretion; 
 
 How he puts on his hat with a fmile on his face, 
 
 And delivers his hand with an exquifite grace! 
 
 How genteelly he offers Mifs CARROT before us, 
 
 Mifs CARROT FITZ-OOZER, a niece of Lord PORUS ! 
 
 How nimbly he paces, howaflive and light! 
 
 One never can judge of a man at firft fight ; 
 
 But as near as Iguefs from the fizeof his calf, 
 
 He may weigh about twenty-three ftone and a half. 
 
 NOW why mould I mention a hundred or more, 
 
 Who went the fame circle as others before, 
 
 To a tune that they play'd us a hundred times o'er ? 
 
 See little BOB jEROM,old CHRvsosTOM'sfon, 
 
 With a chitterlin fhirt, and a buckle of ftone ; 
 
 What acropt head of hair the young parfon has on ! 
 
 H 3 Emerg'd
 
 (102 ) 
 
 Emerg'd from his grizzle, th' unfortunate prig 
 
 Seems as if he was hunting all night for his wig ; 
 
 Not perfe&ly pleas'd with the coat on his back, 
 
 Tho' the coat's a good coat, but alas, it is black ! 
 
 With envious eyes he is doom'd to behold 
 
 The Captain's red fuit that's embroider'd with gold ! 
 
 How feldom mankind is content with their lot ! 
 
 BOB JEROM two very good livings has got j 
 
 Yet flill he accufes his parents deceas'd. 
 
 For making a man offuch fpirit a prieft. 
 
 Notfo MafterMARMOZET, fweet little boy, 
 
 Mrs. DANGLECUB'S hopes, her delight and her joy : 
 His pigeon-wing ? d head was not dreft quite fo foon, 
 
 For it took up a barber the whole afternoon ; 
 
 His jacket's well- lac'd, and the ladies proteft 
 
 Mailer MARMOZET dances as well as thebeft : 
 
 Yet
 
 Yet fome think the boy would be better at fchool ; 
 
 But! hear Mrs. DANGLECUB'S not fuchafool 
 
 To fend a poor thing with a fpirit fo meek, 
 
 To be flogg'd by a tyrant for Latin and Greek j 
 
 For why fliould a child of diftinftion and faihion 
 
 Lay a heap of fuch filly nonfenfical trafh in ? 
 
 She wonders that parents to Eton Ihould fend 
 
 Five hundred great boobies their manners to mend, 
 
 When the mailer that left it (tho' no one obje&s 
 
 To his care of the beys in all other refpefts) 
 
 Was extremely remifs, for a fenfible man, 
 
 In never contriving fome elegant plan 
 
 For improving their perfons, and fhewing them how 
 
 To hold up their heads, and to make a good bow, 
 
 When they've got fuch a charming long room for a ball, 
 
 Where the fcholars might praftife, and matters and all : 
 
 H 4 But
 
 But, what is much worfe, what no parent would cbufe, 
 
 He burnt all their ruffles, and cut off their queues : 
 
 So he quitted the fchool with the utmoft difgrace, 
 
 And juft fuch another's come into his place. 
 
 She fays that her fon will his fortune advance, 
 
 By learning fo early to fiddle and dance ; 
 
 So ftie brings him to Bath, which I think is quite right, 
 
 For they do nothing elfe here from morning till night : 
 
 And this is a leflbn all parents mould know, 
 
 To train up a child in the way he mould go : 
 
 For as SOLOMON fays, you may fafely uphold, 
 
 He ne'er will depart from the fame when he's old. 
 
 No doqbt fhe's a woman of fine underftanding, 
 
 Her air and her prefence there's fomething fo grand in ; 
 
 So wife and difcreet ; and to give her her due, 
 
 Dear mother fhe's juft fuch a woman as you. 
 
 But
 
 ( 105 ) 
 
 But who is that bombazine lady fo gay, 
 So profufe of her beauties, in fable array ? 
 How (he refts on her heel, how flic turns out her toe, 
 How me pulls down her flays, with her head up, to {hew ' 
 Her lilly-white bofom that rivals the fnow I 
 *TisthewidowQyiCKLACKiT,whofehufband la(lweek, ( 
 Poor STEPHEN, went fuddenly forth in a pique, 
 And pufh'd off his boat for the Stygian creek : 
 Poor STEPHEN ! he never return'd from the bourn, 
 But left the difconfolate widow to mourn : 
 Three times did ftie faint, when me heard of the news ; 
 Six days did me weep, and all comfort refufe : 
 
 But
 
 ( io6 ) 
 
 But STEPHEN, no forrow, no tears can recall! 
 So {he hallows the feventh, and comes to the ball. 
 
 For mufic, fvveet mufic, has charms to controul, 
 And tune up each paflion that ruffles the foul ! 
 What things have I read, and what ftories been told 
 Of feats that were done by muficians of old ! 
 I've heard a whole city was built from the ground 
 By magical numbers, and mufical found ; 
 And here it can build a good houfe in the fquare, 
 Or raife up a church where the godly repair. 
 I faw, t'other day, in a thing called an ot/t, 
 As it lay in a fnug little houfe on the road, 
 How SAUL was reftor'd, tho' his forrow was lharp, 
 When DAVID, the Betbkmite, play'd on the harp : 
 
 'Twas
 
 (io 7 ) 
 
 'Twas mufic that brought a man's wife from OUNick, 
 And at Bath has the pow'r to recover the fick : 
 Thus a lady <was cur'd t'other day. But 'tis time 
 To feal up my letter, and finilh my rhyme. 
 
 Bath, 1766. 
 
 B N R . 
 
 LETTER
 
 ( io8 ) 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R D to Lady B N R D, 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 A MODERN HEAD-DRESS, with a little POLITE 
 CONVERSATION. 
 
 W ^ at Da f ean d unjuft accufations we find 
 Arife from the malice and fpleen of mankind ! 
 One would hope, my dear mother, that fcandal would fpare 
 The tender, the helplefs, and delicate fair j 
 
 But
 
 But alas ! the fweet creatures all find it the cafe 
 
 That Bath is a very cenforious place. 
 
 Would you think that a perfon I met fince I came, 
 
 (I hope you'll excufe my concealing his name) 
 
 A fplenetic ill-natur'd fellow^ before 
 
 A room full of very good company, fwore, 
 
 That, in fpite of appearance, 'twas very well known, 
 
 Their hair and their faces were none of their own ; 
 
 And thus without wit, or the leaft provocation, 
 
 Began an impertinent formal oration : 
 
 " Shall Nature thus lavifhher beauties in vairt 
 
 " For art and nonfenfical fafhion to ftain ? 
 
 " The fair JEZE BELL A what art can adorn, 
 
 " Whofe cheeks are like rofes that blufh in the morn; 
 
 " As bright were her locks as in heaven are feen 
 
 " Prefented for ftars by th' Egyptian queen ; 
 
 "But
 
 ( no) 
 
 " But alas ! the fweet nymph they no longer muft deck> 
 
 " No more mall they flow o'er her ivory neck ; 
 
 " Thofe trefles which VENUS might take as a favour, 
 
 " Fall a vi&im at once to an outlandifh Ihaver, 
 
 ' Her head has he robb'd with as little remorfe 
 
 " As a fox- hunter crops both his dogs and his horfe : 
 
 " A wretch that, fo far from repenting his theft, 
 
 " Makes a boaft of tormenting the little that's left : 
 
 " And firft at her porcupine head he begins 
 
 " To fumble and poke with his irons and pins, 
 
 " Then fires all his crackers with horrid grimace, 
 
 " And puffs his vile Rocamfol breath in her face, 
 
 " Difcharging a fteam that the devil would choak, 
 
 " From paper, pomatum, from powder, and fmoke. 
 
 " The patient fubmits, and with due refignation 
 
 " Prepares for her fate in the next operation. 
 
 " When
 
 ( "1 ) 
 
 " When lo ! on a fudden, a monfler appears, 
 " A horrible monfter, to cover her ears j 
 " What fign of the zodiac is it he bears ? 
 " Is it Taurus' s tail, or the tete de mouton, 
 " Or the beard of the goat that he dares to put on ? 
 " 'Tis a wig en vergette, that from Paris was brought, 
 " Vne tete comme ilfaut, that the varlet has bought 
 " Of a beggar, whofehead he has fhav'd for a groat : 
 " Now fix'd to her head, does he frizzle and dab it; 
 " Her foretop's no more. 'Tis the Ikin of a rabbit. 
 " 'Tis a mufF 'tis a thing that by all is confeft 
 " Is in colour andfhape like a chalfinch's neft. 
 
 " O ceafe, ye fair virgins, fuch pains to employ, 
 " The beauties of nature with paint to deflroy ; 
 
 See
 
 ( H2 ) 
 
 " See Venas lament, fee the Loves and the Graces, 
 " How they pine at the injury done to your faces ! 
 ' Ye have eyes, lips, and nofe, but your heads are no more 
 * Than a doll's that is plac'd at a milliner's door." 
 
 I'm afham'd to repeat what he faid in the fequel, 
 Afperfions fo cruel as nothing can equal ! 
 I declare I am fliock'd fuch a fellow fhould vex, 
 And fpread all thefe lies of the innocent fex, 
 For whom, while I live, I will make protection 
 I've the higheft efteem and profound veneration ; 
 I never fo ftrangean opinion will harbour, 
 That they buy all the hair they have got of a barber : 
 Nor ever believ,e that fuch beautiful creatures 
 Can have any delight in abufing their features : 
 
 One
 
 ( "3') 
 
 One thing tho' I wonder at much, I confefs, Is 
 Th' appearance they make in their different drefles, 
 For indeed they look very much like apparitions 
 When they come in the morning to hear the muficians, 
 And fome I am apt to miflake, at fi$ fight, 
 For the mothers of thofe I have feen over night : 
 It fhocks me to fee them look paler than alhes, 
 And as dead in the eye as the builo of NASH is, 
 Who the evening before were fo blooming and plump : 
 * I'm griev'd to the heart when I go to the pump : 
 For I take ev'ry morning a fup at the water, 
 Juft to hear what is paffing, and fee what they're a'ter ; 
 For I'm told the difcourfes of perfons refin'd 
 Are better than books for improving the mind j 
 But a great deal of judgment's requir'd in the fkSmming 
 The polite converfation of fenfible women, 
 
 I For
 
 ( "4) 
 
 For they come to the pump, as before I was faying, 
 
 And talk all at once while the mufic is playing ! 
 
 " Your fervant,Mifs FITCHET." " Good morning, Mifs 
 
 STOTE." 
 
 " My dear Lady RIGGLEDUM, how is your throat? 
 " Your Ladyftiip knows that I fent you a fcrawl, 
 " Laft night to attend at your Ladyfhip's call, 
 " But I hear that your Ladyfhip went to the ball." 
 
 Oh FITCHET don't afk me good heavens pre- 
 ferve 
 
 " I wifli there was no fuch a thing as a nerve j 
 
 " Half dead all the night I proteft and declare ; 
 
 " 
 " My dear little FITCHET, who drefles your hair? 
 
 " You'll come to the rooms, all the world will be there., 
 
 Sii
 
 ( "5 ) 
 
 ." Sir TOBY MAC' NEGUS is going to fettle 
 
 " His tea-drinking night with Sir PHILIP O'KETTLE." 
 
 " I hear that they both have appointed the fame; 
 
 " The majority think that Sir PHILIP'S to blame ; 
 
 " I hope they won't quarrel, they're both in a flame: 
 
 " Sir TOBY MAC' NEGUS much fpirit has got, 
 
 " And Sir PHIL IP O'KETTLE is apt to be hot." 
 
 " Have you read the Bath Guide, that ridiculous poem ? 
 
 " What a fcurrilous author ! does nobody know him?" 
 
 " Young BILLY PENWAGGLE, and SIMIUS CHATTER, 
 
 " Declare 'tis an ill-natur'd half witted fatire." 
 
 " You know I'm engag'd, my dear creature, with you, 
 
 "And Mrs. PAMTICKLE, this morning at Loo ; 
 
 " Poor thing ! tho' me hobbled laft night to the ball, 
 
 " To-day flic's fo lame that me hardly can crawl ; 
 
 I 2 Major
 
 " Major LIGNUM has trod on the firft joint of her toe < 
 " That thing they playM laft was a charming concerto ; 
 " I don't recollea I have heard it before ; 
 " The minuet's good, but the jig I adore ; 
 " Pray fpeak to SirToBY to cry out encore" 
 Dear mother I think this is excellent fun, 
 BAit'if all I mult write, I fhould never have done, 
 So myfelf I fubfcribe your molt dutiful fon, 
 
 Bath, 1766. S B-N-R- O . 
 
 LETTER
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R D to Lady B N R 
 at Hall, North, 
 
 A PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 Motives for the fame. A lift of the company. A tender 
 fcene. An unfortunate incident. 
 
 W Hat bleffings attend, my dearmother, all thofe 
 Who to crouds of admirers their perfons expofe 1 
 Do the godsfuch a noble ambition infpire ; 
 Or gods do we make of each ardent dcfire ? 
 O generous paffion ! 'tis yours to afford 
 The fplendid aflernbly, the plentiful board ; 
 1 3
 
 .To thee dot owe fuch a breakfaft this morn, 
 
 As I ne'er faw before, fince the hour I was born ; 
 
 'Twas you made my Lord RAGGAMUFFENN come here, 
 
 Who they fay has been lately created a Peer ; 
 
 And to-day with extreme complaifance and refpeft afe'd 
 
 All the people at Batb to a general breakfaft. 
 
 You've heard of my Lady BuNBUTTER,no doubt, 
 How fhe loves an ajfemlly, fandango , or rout ; 
 No lady in London is half fo expert 
 At a fnug private party, her friends to divert j 
 But they fay, that of late, fhe's grown fick of the town, 
 And often to Bath condefcends to come down : 
 Her Ladyfhip's favourite houfeis the Bear : 
 Her chariot, and fervants, and horfes are there : 
 
 My
 
 ( "9 ) 
 
 My Lady declares that retiring Is good j 
 As all with a feparate maintenance fhould : 
 For when you have put out the conjugal fire, 
 'Tis time for all fenfible folk to retire ; 
 If HYMEN no longer his fingers will fcorch, 
 Little CUPID for others can whip in his torch, 
 So pert is he grown, fince the cuftom began 
 To be married and parted as quick as you can. 
 
 Now my Lord had the honour of coming down poft, 
 To pay his refpe&s to fo famous a toaft ; 
 In hopes he her Ladyfhip's favour might win, 
 By playing the part of a hoft at an inn. - 
 I'm fure he's a perfon of great refolution, 
 Tho* delicate nerves, and a weak conftitution ; 
 
 14 For
 
 ( 120 ). 
 
 For he carried us $11 to a place crofs the river, 
 
 And vow'd that the rooms were too hot for his liver : 
 
 He faid it would greatly our pleiTure promote, 
 
 If we all for Spring-Gardens fet out in a boat : 
 
 I never as yet could his reafon explain, 
 
 Why we all Tallied forth in the wind and the rain -, 
 
 For fure fuch confufion was never yet known ; 
 
 Here a cap and a hat, there a cardinal blown : 
 
 While his Lordfhip, embroider'd, and powder'd all o'er, 
 
 Was bowing, and handing the ladies a-fhore : 
 
 How the MifTes did huddle and fcuddle, and run ; 
 
 One would think to be wet muft be very good fun ; 
 
 For by waggling their tails, they all feein'd to take pains 
 
 To moiften their pinions like ducks when it rains ; 
 
 And 'twas pretty to fee how, like birds of a feather, 
 
 The people of quality flock'd all together ; 
 
 All
 
 AH preffing, addreffing, carelfing, and fond, 
 Juft the fame as thofe animals are in a pond : 
 You've read all their names in the news, Ifuppofe, 
 But, for fear you have not, take the lift as it goes : 
 There was Lady GREASEWRISTER, 
 And Madam VAN-TWISTER, 
 Her Ladyfhip's fitter. 
 Lord CRAM, and Lord VULTER, 
 Sir BRANDISH O'CULTER, 
 With Marmal CAROUZER, 
 And Old Lady MOUZER, 
 
 And the great Hanoverian Baron PANS MOWZER ; 
 Befides many others ; who all in the rain went, 
 On purpofe to honour this grand entertainment : 
 
 The
 
 ( 122 ) 
 
 The company made a moft brilliant appearance, 
 And ate bread and butter with great perfeverance ; 
 All the Chocolate too, that my Lord fet before 'em, 
 The ladies difpatch'd with the utmoft decorum. 
 Soft mufical numbers were heard all around, 
 The horns and the clarions echoing found : 
 
 Sweet were the {trains, as od'rous gales that blow 
 O'er fragrant banks, where pinks and rofes grow. 
 The Peer was quite ravifh'd, whHe clofe to his fide 
 Sat Lady BUN BUTTER, in beautiful pride! 
 Oft turning his eyes, he with rapture furvey'd 
 All the powerful charms fhe fo nobly difplay'd. 
 As when at the feaft of the great ALEXANDER, 
 TIMOTHEUS, the mufical fon of THERSANDER, 
 
 Breath'd heavenly meafures j 
 
 t 
 
 The
 
 ( 123) 
 
 The prince was in pain, 
 
 And could not contain, 
 While THAIS was fitting beiide him; 
 
 But, before all his peers, 
 
 Was for lhaking the fpheres, 
 Such goods the kind gods did provide him. 
 
 Grew bolder and bolder, 
 
 And cock'd up his ihoulder, 
 Like the fon of great JUPITER AMMON, 
 
 Till at length quite opprsft, 
 
 He funk on her breaft, 
 And lay there as dead as a falmon. 
 
 O had I a voice that was ftronger than fteel, 
 With twice fifty tongues to exprefs what I feel, 
 
 And
 
 And as many good mouths, yet I never could utter 
 
 All thefpeeches my Lord made to Lady BUNBUTTER! 
 
 So polite all the time, that he ne'er touch'd a bit, 
 
 While me ate up his rolls and applauded his wit : 
 
 For they tell me that men of true tajle, when they treat, 
 
 Should talk a great deal, but they never fhould eat ; 
 
 And if that be the fafhion, I never will give 
 
 Any grand entertainment as long as I live ; 
 
 For I'm of opinion 'tis proper to chear 
 
 The ftomach and bowels, as well as the ear. 
 
 Nor me did the charming concerto of ABEL 
 
 Regale like the breakfaft I faw on the table : 
 
 I freely will own I the muffins preferr'd- 
 
 To all the genteel converfation I 'heard, 
 
 E'en
 
 ( 125 ) 
 
 E'en tho' I'd the honour of fitting between 
 My Lady STUFF-DAMASK, and PEGGY MOREEN, 
 Who both flew to Bath in the London machine. 
 Cries PEGGY, " This place is enchantihgly pretty; 
 " We never can fee fuch a thing in the city : 
 
 " You may fpend all your life-time in Cateaton flreet, 
 
 I *t< 
 
 " And never fo civil a gentleman meet ; 
 
 " You may talk what you pleafe ; you may fearch London 
 
 rj 
 
 " through ; 
 
 " You may go to Car Ufa's, and to Almanac's too ; 
 ts And I'll give you my head if you find fuch a hoflv 
 " For coffee, tea, chocolate, butter, and toaft: 
 " How he welcomes at once all the world and his wife^ 
 " And how civil to folk he ne^er faw in his life !" 
 " Thefe horns, criss my Lady, fo tickle one's ear, 
 " Lard ! what would I give that Sir SIMON was here ! 
 
 "To
 
 ( 126 ) 
 
 ' To the next public breakfaft Sir SIMON mall go, 
 
 " For I find here are folks one may venture to know : 
 
 " Sir SIMON would gladly his Lord/hip attend, 
 
 *' And my Lord would be pleas'd with fo chearful a friend." 
 
 So when we had wafted more bread at a break faft 
 Than the poor of our parifti have ate for this week paft, 
 I faw, all at once, a prodigious great throng 
 Come buftling, and ruftling, and joftling along : 
 For his Lord/hip was pleas'd that the company now 
 To my Lady BUNBUTTER mould curt'fey and bow : 
 And my Lady was pleas'd too, and feem'd vaftly proud 
 At once to receive all the thanks of a croud : 
 And when, like Chaldeans, we all had ador'd 
 This beautiful image fet up by my Lord, 
 
 Some
 
 ( 127 ) 
 
 Some few Infignificant folk went away, 
 Juft to follow th' employments and calls of the day; 
 But thofe who knew better their time how to fpend, 
 The fiddling and dancing all chofe to attend. 
 Mifs CLUNCH and Sir TOBY perfona'd a CotiHott, 
 Juft the fame as our SUSAN and BOB the poftillion ; 
 All the while her mamma was exprefling her joy, 
 That her daughter the morning fo well could employ. 
 
 Now why fliould the mufe, my dear mother, relate 
 The misfortunes that fall to the lot of the great ! 
 As homeward we came 'tis with forrow you'll heat 
 What a dreadful difafter attended the peer : 
 For whether fome envious god had decreed 
 That a AW*</ mould long to ennoble her breed ; 
 
 Or
 
 ( 128 ) 
 
 Or whether his Lordfhip was charm'd to behoM 
 His face in the ftream, like NARCISSUS of old; 
 In handing old Lady BUMFIDGET and daughter, 
 This obfequious Lord tumbled into the water ; 
 But a nymph of the flood brought him fafe to the boat, 
 And I left all the ladies a'cleaning his coat. 
 
 \ 
 Thus the feaft was concluded, as far as I hear, 
 
 To the great fatisfaftion of all that were there. 
 O may he give breakfafts as long as he flays, 
 For I ne'er ate a better in all my born days. 
 In hafle I conclude, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 BATH 1766. S B N R o. 
 
 LETTER
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B N R D to Lady ELIZ, 
 M D ss, at Caftle, North, 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B N R D informs Lady BETTY that 
 fhe has been elefted to METHODISM by a VISION. 
 
 J[~J.Earken, Lady BETTY, hearken, 
 
 To the difmal news I tell j 
 How your friends are all embarking 
 
 For the fiery gulph of hell. 
 
 K Brother
 
 Brother Si MKIN'S grown arakehell, 
 Cards and dances ev'ry day, 
 
 JENNY laughs at tabernacle, 
 TABBY RUNT is gone aftray. 
 
 Blefied I, tho' once rejefled, 
 Like a little wand'ring fheep, 
 
 Who this morning was elefted 
 By a vifion in my fleep : 
 
 For I dream'd an apparition 
 
 Came, like ROGER, from above; 
 Saying, By divine commiffion 
 I mufl, fill you full of love. 
 
 Juft
 
 Jufl with ROGER'S head of hair on, 
 ROGER'S mouth, and pious fmile j 
 
 Sweet, methinks, as beard of AARON 
 Dropping down with holy oil. 
 
 I began to fall a kicking, 
 
 Panted, ftruggled, ftrove in vain ; 
 When the fpirit whipt fo quick in, 
 
 I was cur'd of all my pain. 
 
 Firft I thought it was the night-mare 
 Lay fo heavy on my bread ; 
 
 But I found new joy and light there, 
 When with heav'nfy lovepofleft. 
 
 K 2 Come
 
 C 132 ) 
 
 Come again, then, apparition, 
 Finifti what thou haft begun ; 
 
 RocER,ftay, thou foul's phyfician, 
 I with thee my race will run. 
 
 Faith her chariot has appointed, 
 Now we're ftretching for the goal ; 
 
 All the wheels with grace anointed, 
 Up to heav'n to drive my foul. 
 
 The editor, for many reafons, begs to be excufed giving the public 
 the fequel of this young lady's letter; but if the reader will pleafe to 
 look into the Bifliop of Exeter's book, entitled, " Thle Enthufiafin of 
 Methodifts and Papifts compared," he will find many inftances, 
 (particularly of young people) who have been elected in the manner 
 above. 
 
 LETTER
 
 ( 133 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Mr. SIMKIN B N R DtoLadyB N R 
 at Hall, North. 
 
 Serious REFLECTIONS of Mr. B N R D. His 
 BILL of EXPENCES. The DISTRESSES of the 
 FAMILY. A FAREWELL 
 
 s, my dear mother, our evil and good 
 By few is diftinguifh'd, by few underftood ! 
 How oft are we doom'd to repent at the end, 
 The events that our pleafanteft profpefls attend ! 
 3
 
 As SOLON declar'd, in the laft fcene alone, 
 
 All the joys of our life, all our forrows are known. 
 
 When firft I came hither for vapours and wind, 
 
 To cure all diflempers, and ftudy mankind, 
 
 How little I dream'd of the tempeft behind ! 
 
 I never once thought what a furious blaft, 
 
 What ftorms of diftrefs would o'erwhelm me at laft. 
 
 How wretched am I ! what a fine declamation 
 
 Might be made on the fubje&ofmy fituation ! 
 
 I'm a fable ! an inftance ! and ferve to difpenfe 
 
 An example to all men of fpirit and fenfe j 
 
 To all men of fafhion, and all men of wealth, 
 
 Who come to this place to recover their health : 
 
 For my means are fo fmall, and my bills are fo large, 
 
 I ne'er can come home till you fend a difcharge. 
 
 Let
 
 ( I3S ) 
 
 Let the mufe fpeak the caufe, if a mufe yet remain 
 To fupply me with rhhnes, and exprefs all my pain. 
 
 Paid bells, and muficians, 
 
 Drugs, nurfe, and phyficians, 
 Balls, raffles, fubfcriptions, and chairs ; 
 
 Wigs, gowns, fkins and trimming. 
 
 Good books for the women, 
 Plays, concerts, tea, negus, and prayers. 
 
 Paid the following fchemes, 
 
 Of all who it feems 
 Make charity bus'nefs their care : 
 
 A gamefter decay 'd, 
 
 And a prudifh old maid 
 By gaiety brought to defpair : 
 
 K 4 A fidler
 
 A fidler of note, 
 
 Who, for lace on his coat, 
 To his taylor was much in arrears : 
 
 An author of merit, 
 
 Who wrote with fuch fpirit 
 The pillory took off his ears. 
 
 A Aim, my dear mother, far heavier yet, 
 
 Captain CORMORANT won when I learn'd lanfquenet j ' 
 
 Two hundred I paid him, and five am in debt. 
 
 For the five I had nothing to do but to 'write, 
 
 For the Captain was very well bred and polite, 
 
 And took, as he faw my expences were great, 
 
 My bond, to be paid on the Clodpole eftate ; 
 
 And
 
 ( 137 ) 
 
 And afks nothing more while the money is lent, 
 Than intereft paid him at twenty per cent. 
 But I'm fhock'd to relate what diftrefles befall 
 Mifs JENNY, my fitter, and TABBY and all : 
 Mifs JENNY, poor thing, from this Bath expedition, 
 Was in hopes very foon to have chang'd her condition ; 
 But rumour has brought certain things to her ear, 
 Which I ne'er will believe, yet am forry to hear ; 
 " That the Captain, her lover, her dear ROMEO, 
 Was banifh'd the army a great while ago : 
 That his friends and his foes he alike can betray, 
 And picks up a fcandalous living by play.'* 
 But if e'er I could think that the Captain had cheated, 
 Or my dear coufin JENNY unworthily treated, 
 By all that is facred I fwear, for his pains 
 I'd cudgel him firft, and then blow out his brains. 
 
 For
 
 ( '38 ) 
 
 For the man I abhor like the devil, dear mother, 
 Who one thing conceals, and profefles another. 
 
 O how fhall we know the right way to purfue ! 
 Do the ills of mankind from religion accrue !- 
 Religion, defign'd to relieve all our care, 
 Has brought my poor fifter to grief and defpair : 
 Now me talks of damnation, and fcrews up her face ; 
 Then prates about ROGER, and fpiritual grace : 
 Her fenfes, alas ! feem at once gone aftray 
 No pen can defcribe it, no letter convey. 
 
 But the man without Jin, that Moravian Rabbi, 
 Has perfectly cur'd the Chlorofts of TABBY ; 
 And, if right I can judge, from her fhape and her fa -v 
 She foon may produce him an infant of grace. 
 
 Now
 
 ( '39) 
 
 Now they fay that all people, in our fituation, 
 Are very fine fubjedb for regeneration ; 
 But I think, my dear mother, the belt we can do, 
 Is to pack up our all, and return back to you. 
 
 Farewell then, yeflreams, 
 
 Ye poetical themes ! 
 Sweet fountains for curing the fpleen ! 
 
 I'm griev'd to the heart 
 
 Without cam to depart, 
 And quit this adorable fcene ! 
 
 Where gaming and grace 
 
 Each other embrace, 
 Diffipation and piety meet : 
 
 May
 
 May all, who've a notion 
 Of cards or devotion, 
 Make Bath their delightful retreat. 
 
 Bath, 1766. S B N R i 
 
 EPILOGUE
 
 EPILOGUE 
 
 T O T H E 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 CONTAINING, 
 
 CRITICISMS, and the GUIDE'S COVERSATION with 
 three LADIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcretion. 
 
 A Letter to Mifs JENNY W D R at Bath, from Lady 
 ELIZ. M D ss, her friend in the country; a 
 young Lady of neither Falhion, Tafte, nor Spirit. 
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. Their LADYSHIPS 
 Receipt for a NOVEL. The GHOST of Mr. QUIN.
 
 EPILOGUE? 
 
 CONTAINING, 
 
 CRITICISMS, and the GUIDE'S CONVERSATION with 
 three LADIES of Piety, Learning, and Difcretion. 
 
 [_ Here are who complain that my verfe is fevere, 
 And what is much worfe that my book is too dear : 
 The ladies proteft that I keep no decorum 
 In fetting fuch patterns of folly before 'em : 
 Some cannot conceive what the GUIDE is about, 
 With names fo unmeaning to make fuch a rout. 
 
 Lady
 
 ( '44 ) 
 
 Lady DOROTHY SCRAWL would engage to be/peak 
 A hundred fuch things to be made in a week : 
 Madam SHUFELEDUMDOO, more provoking than that, 
 Has fold your poor GUIDE for two fifhand a mat $ 
 A fweet medium paper, a book of fine fize, 
 And a print that I hop'd would have fuited her eyes. 
 Another good lady of delicate tafle, 
 Cries, " Fie ! Mr. Bookfeller, bring me fome pafte j 
 " I'll clofe up this leaf, or my daughter will fkim 
 * The cream of that vile methodical hymn." 
 Then (luck me down faft fo unfit was my page 
 To meet the chafte eyes of this virtuous age. 
 
 GUIDE.] O fpare me, good Madam, it goes to my heart 
 With my fweet methodiftical letter to part. 
 
 Away
 
 ( MS ) 
 
 Away with your pafte ! 'tis exceedingly hard 
 
 Thus to torture and cramp an unfortunate bard : 
 
 How my mufe will be mock'd, when {he's juft taking 
 
 flight, 
 To find that her pinions are faflen'd fo tight ! 
 
 Firft LADY.] Why you know, beyond reafbn and ~\ 
 
 decency too, 
 
 Beyond all refpect to religion that's due, 
 Your dirty fatirical work you purfue. J 
 
 I very well know whom you meant to affront 
 In the piftures of PRUDENCE, and TABITHA RUNT. 
 
 GUIDE.] Indeed, my good ladies, religion and virtue 
 Are things that I never defign'd any hurt to. 
 
 L All
 
 ( 146 ) 
 
 All poets and painters, as HORACE agrees, 
 May copy from nature what figures they pleafe ; 
 Jtfor blame the poor poet, or painter, if you 
 In verfe or on canvas your likenefs ihould view ; 
 I hope you don't think I would write a lampoon ? 
 I'd be hang'd at the foot ofParnafef as foon. 
 
 Second LADY.] Prithee don't talk to me of your HORACE 
 
 andFLAcguj, 
 
 When you come like an impudent wretch to attack us. 
 What's Parna/ui to you ? Take away but your rhime, 
 And the flraips of the bellman are full as fublime.-~ 
 
 . 
 T&V^LADT.] Doft think .that fuch fluff as thou writ'ft 
 
 upon TABBY, 
 Will procure thee a Euflo in WeJlmin
 
 < H7 ) 
 
 GUIDE.] Tis true, on ParnaJ/us I never did dream, 
 Nor e'er did I tafte of fweet He/icon's ftream : 
 My ftiare of the fountain I'll freely refign 
 To thofe who are better belov'd by the Nine : 
 Give bufto's to poets of higher renown, 
 I ne'er was ambitious in marble to frown : 
 Give laurels to thofe, from the God of the lyre 
 Who catch the bright fpark of ethereal fire j 
 Who, fkill'd ev'ry paffion at will to impart, 
 Can play round the head while they fteal to the heart ; 
 Who, taught by APOLLO to guide the bold fteed, 
 Know when to give force, when to temper his fpeed : 
 My nerves all forfakeme, my voice he difdains, 
 When he rattles his pinions, no more hears the reins, 
 
 L 2 But
 
 But thro' the bright ether fublimely he goes, 
 
 Nor earth, air, or ocean, or mountains oppofe. 
 
 For me, 'tis enough that my toil I purfue, 
 
 Like the bee drinking fweets that exhale from the dew, 
 
 Content if MELPOMENE joins to my lay 
 
 One tender foft flrain of melodious GRAY ; 
 
 Thrice happy in your approbation alone, 
 
 If the following ode for my hymn can atone. 
 
 A LETTER
 
 A LETTER 
 
 To Mifs JENNY W D R, at B A T H 5 
 
 From Lady ELIZ, M D ss, her friend in the country- 
 a young lady of neither Falhion, Tafte, nor Spirit. 
 
 I've invok'd th' Aonian quire, 
 And PHOEBUS oft in vain, 
 Like thee, my friend, to tune my lyre, 
 Like thee to'raifc my flrain: 
 
 L 3 And
 
 ( '5) 
 
 And when, Of late, I fought their aid 
 
 The flow'ry bank befidc, 
 Methought, along the filent glade 
 
 I heard a voice, that cry'd, 
 
 " Miftaken Maid ! why idly wafle 
 " Your hours in fruitlefs toil ; /w?b*' 
 
 " You ne'er thehallow'd brook can taftc, 
 " Or tread poetic foil. 
 
 " For fince your friend purfues the path 
 " Where wit and pleafure reigns, 
 
 With her has fled each Mufe to Batb, 
 " From thefe neglecled plains. 
 
 " There
 
 There many a bard's infpIrM-Tvhh fong, 
 With epigram, and" 3& ? oot * 9/i 
 -And one, the meaneft of M WW 
 e's thorny road, - 
 
 " For him Batfrs injur'd geni 
 
 " The hemlock juice prepares, 
 ' And deadly-nightfhade o'er his brow 
 
 " For laurel wreaths he wears* 
 {{i IUOY lod >(WB 5-A& ' 
 
 Him, like the Tbradan bard, mall curfe 
 *' Each nymph, each angry dame ; 
 Tho , far itlferior be his vcrfe> 
 
 " His haplefs fate the fame. 
 
 -. . , ' -. ' -' 
 
 L 4 TOM
 
 " Torn be the wretch, whofe impious {trains 
 
 " Profan'd their beauty's pride, 
 " No mufe to gather his remains 
 '" That flow down Avon's tide; 
 
 " But him (hall many a drone purfue 
 " That hums around the ftream ; 
 
 " Him frantic priefls, an infecl crew 
 " That taint LIGHT'S heav'nly beam. 
 
 " Then, left his deftiny you fnare, 
 " Rafli nymph, thy flrains give o'er! 
 
 " Be warn'd'by me, of rhime beware !" 
 The voice was heard no more. 
 
 Yet
 
 Yet tho' I ceafe my artlefs lay, 
 Nor longer court the Nine, 
 
 This faithful tribute will I pay 
 At friendftiip's facred fhriae. 
 
 , 
 
 Here will I offer incenfe fweet, 
 
 Here light the hallow'd fires: 
 And oh ! wuh kind acceptance meet 
 What true regard infpires. 
 
 let my friendly verfe offend 
 f That poor deluded maid, 
 afe faith I ne'er can comprehend, 
 i grace in dreams convey 'd. 
 
 Mifs PRUDENCE B ND RH D. 
 
 May
 
 May no fuch grace my thoughts employ. 
 
 Nor I with envy View 
 Thofefcenesofdiflipatedjoy, 
 So well defcrib'd by you. 
 
 Think not a parent's harfli decrees 
 From me thofe fcenes withhold ; 
 
 His foft requeil can ne'er difpleafe, 
 Who ne'er roy joys control'd. 
 
 But pining years oppreft with grief 
 
 My tender care demand ; 
 The bed of ficknefs aflcs relief 
 
 From my fupporting hand. 
 
 Well
 
 dss) 
 
 / 
 
 Well do I know how forrow preys, 
 
 E'er fince the hour that gave 
 The partner of his happier day 
 
 To feek the filent grave. 
 
 In that fad hour my lips (he preft, 
 
 Bedew'd with many a tear ; 
 And " Take, (he cry'd, this lafl bequeft, 
 " A dying mother's pray'r. 
 
 < O let the maxims I convey 
 " Sink deep Into thy breaft, 
 
 < When I no more direft thy way, 
 " Retir'd to endlefs reft. 
 
 Look
 
 " Look on thy aged father's woe ! 
 
 " 'Tis thine to footh his pain : 
 " With GRACE liketh'is, Religion fhew, 
 
 '* And thus her caufe maintain. 
 
 " Nor is't enough that GRACE difplays, 
 " Or FAITH her light divine ; 
 
 " In all thy works, in all thy ways, 
 " Let heav'nly VIRTUE fhine : 
 
 " O! may the Fountain of all truth 
 " Each PERFECT GIFT impart, 
 
 " With INNOCENCE proteft thy youth, 
 " With HOPE fupport thy heart. 
 
 "So
 
 ( 157 ) 
 
 " So may'ft thou learn thyfelf to know, 
 
 Of all extreams beware, 
 " Nor find in age thy cup overflow 
 
 " With fliame, remorfe, and care : 
 
 " Then fhallno madmen LIGHT reveal, 
 
 " No vifionary prieft, 
 " With falfhood, ignorance, and zeal, 
 " Torment thy peaceful breaft : 
 
 '* Then fhall no fears thy foul diftrefs, 
 " RELIGION'S doubts fhall ceafe ; 
 
 " Her ways are ways of pleafantnefs, 
 " And all her paths are peace." 
 
 Suck
 
 ( '5*) 
 
 Such were the truths ere loft in deatk 
 
 Her parting voice convey'd j 
 Such may I keep till lateft breath, 
 
 Thou dear lamented made ! 
 
 What tho'ao Mufe will deign, my friend, 
 
 My homely joys to tell ; 
 Tho' FASHION ne'er will condefcend 
 
 To feek this humble cell ; 
 
 Yet freedom, peace, and mind ferene, 
 
 Which modilh lifedifdains, 
 (Perpetual fweets!) enrich the fcene 
 
 Where confcious virtue reigns : 
 
 Bkft
 
 ( 159 ) 
 
 Bleft fcenes 1 fn.ch unrepented jo^ of| 
 Such true delights ye give, 
 
 Remote from faftiiQ^|^ % d ? noi 
 Contented let me live. MmM 
 
 ELIZ. MODELESS. 
 
 - faloddirw ^rrtt>li aloHj 9m 
 
 . 
 
 \ 
 
 Tl 
 
 4:>1) lo fcsc 
 
 - 
 
 The
 
 The CONVERSATION continued. r-r .The LADIES 
 
 Receipt for a NOVEL. : The GHOST of Mr. 
 
 QUIN. 
 
 GUIDE.] Ow I hope that this letter from young Lady 
 
 BETTY, 
 
 Will be reckon 'd exceedingly decent and pretty ; 
 That you, my good ladies, who ne'er could endure 
 A hymn fo ineffably vile and impure, 
 My indelicate mufe will no longer leivail, 
 Since a fweet little moral is pinn'd to her tail : 
 If not, as fo kindly I'm tutor'd by you, 
 Pray tell a poor poet what's proper to do. 
 
 Fiji
 
 
 
 &ji LADY.] Why if thou rriuft write, thoti had'ft betted 
 
 ...-. 
 
 compofe 
 
 siSfllK.uC 
 
 S6meW/, or elegant letters in profe. 
 
 * 
 
 Take a fubjeft that's grave, with a moral that's gdod* 
 Throw in all the temptations that virtue wuhftood 
 In epiftles like PAMELA'S chafte and devout-^. 
 A book that my family's never without.* 
 
 Second ^LADT.] O ! pray let your hero behandfomfc and 
 
 young, 
 
 Tafte, wit, and fine fentiment, flow from his tongue, 
 His delicate feelings be fure to improve 
 \Vith paffion, with tender foft rapture and love* 
 
 M Third
 
 72/WLADY.] Add fome incidents too, which I li 
 
 above meafure, 
 
 Such as thofe vibicb P*ve heard are eileem'd as a treafure j 
 In a book that's entitl'd The Woman of Pleefure. 
 Mix well, and you'll find 'twill a novel produce 
 Fit for modeft young ladies fo keep it for ufe. 
 
 GUIDE.] Damnation f */&/<; Well, ladies, I'll do what 
 
 lean, 
 
 And ye'llbind it, I hope, with your Duty of Man. 
 Guide mutters.} Take afubjefl that's grave, with a moral} 
 that's good! 
 
 Thus mufing, I wander'd in fplenetic mood 
 i 
 
 Where the languid old CAM rolls his willowy 0ood. 
 
 When
 
 When lo ! beneath the poplar's glimm'ring fliade, 
 Along the ftream where trembling ozlers play'd, 
 What time the bat low-flitting {kirns the ground, 
 When beetles buz, when gnats are felt around, 
 And hoarfer frogs their am'rous defcant found. 
 Sweet fcenes ! that heav'nlv contemplation give, 
 And oft in mufical defcription live ! 
 When now the moon's refulgent rays begin 
 O'er twilight groves tofpread their mantle thin, 
 Sudden arofe the awful form of QUIN. 
 A form that bigger than the life appear'd, 
 And head like Patagonian hero rear'd j , 
 
 Aghaftl flood ! when lo ! with mild command 
 And looks of courtefy, he wav'd his hand, 
 Me to th' embow'ring grove's dark path convey'd, 
 And thus began the venerable Shade : 
 
 M 2 Forth
 
 ( 164 ) 
 
 " Forth from ELYSIUM'S bleft abodes I come, 
 
 " Regions of joy, where fate has fix'd my doom : 
 
 " Look on my face I well remember thine : 
 
 " Thou knew'ft me too, when crft in life's decline 
 
 " At BATH I dwelt there late repos'd mine age^ 
 
 " And unrepining left this mortal ftage : 
 
 " Yet do thofe fcenes, once confcious of delight, 
 
 " Rejoice my focial ghofl ! there oft' by night 
 
 " I hold my way : 
 
 And from the mullet, and the fav'ry jole, 
 
 " Catch fragrant fumes, that ftill regale my foul ! 
 
 " Sweet Bath, which thou thefe dreary banks along- 
 
 " Oftmak'ft the fubjeft of thy wayward fong." 
 
 GUIDE.] O fpare me, bleft fpirit 
 
 GHOST,]
 
 GHOST.] Quit thy vain fears ; I come not to accufe 
 The motley labours of thy mirthful mufe, 
 For well I ween, if rightly underftood, 
 Thy themes are pleafant, and thy moral good, 
 Oft have I read the laughter-moving phrafe, 
 And fplayfoot meafures of thy SIMKIN'S lays, 
 Nor aught indecent or obfcene I find 
 That virtue wounds, or taints the virgin's mind : 
 Beware of that O ! why Ihould I defcribe 
 What ills await the ciluff/crft&ag tribe ? 
 Firft fee that mob who novels lenud di/penfe, 
 The bane of virtue, modefty, and fenfe : 
 Next that infernal crew, detraflors bafe, 
 Who pen lampoons ; true fatire's foul difgrace : 
 
 Nor
 
 ( 166 ) 
 
 Nor lefs the punifhment in realms below 
 
 For thofe who praife unmerited bellow, 
 
 Thofe pimps in fcience, who, with dulnefs bold, 
 
 The facred Mufes proflitute for gold : 
 
 Thofe too whom zeal to pious wrath inclines, 
 
 Pedantic, proud, polemical divines : 
 
 Sad critics laft, whom RHADAMANTH fevere* 
 
 Chaftifes firfr, then condefcends to hear : 
 
 All, all in fiery PHLEGETHON mufl flay, 
 
 'Till gall, and ink, and dirt, of fcribling day, 
 
 In purifying flames are purg'd away. 
 
 GUIDE.] O trufl me, blefl fpirit, I ne'er would offend 
 One innocent virgin, one virtuous friend : 
 
 From
 
 From nature alone are my charaders drawn, 
 From little BOB JEROM to Bifliops in lawn : 
 Sir BOREAS BLUBBER, and fuch ftupid faces, 
 Are at London^ at Batb, and at all public places ; 
 And if to Newmarket I chance to repair, 
 T/V oild$ but I fee CAPTAIN CORMORANT there : 
 But he who his calh on phyficians bellows, 
 Meets a tight little doftor wherever he goes. 
 
 GHOST.] 'Tis true, fuch infers as thy tale has fhewn 
 Breathe not the atmofphere of Bath alone, 
 Tho' there, in gaiety's meridian ray, 
 Do fools, like flies, their gaudy wings difplay ; 
 Awhile they flutter, but, their funfliine pair, 
 Their fate, like SIMKIN, they lament atlaft. 
 
 M 4 Worfe
 
 ( 168 ) 
 
 Worfe ills fucceed ; oft Superftition's gloom 
 Sheds baneful influence o'er their youthful bloom ^r- 
 Such Heav'n avert from fair BRITANNIA'S plains, 
 To realms where bigotry and flavery reigns ! 
 Nomoreof that. -j-But fay, thou tim'rous bard, 
 Claim not the WINES of Bath thy juft regard ? 
 Where oft, I ween, the brewer's cauldron flows 
 With elder's mawkifh juice, and puck'ring floes, 
 Cyder and hot geneva tht / combine, 
 Then call the fatal cojnpofuion WINE. 
 By CERBERUS I fwear, not thofe vile crews 
 Who vend their pois'nous med'cines by the new*. 
 For means of death, air, earth, and feas explore, 
 Have fent fuch numbers to the Stvgian more ; 
 
 Shun
 
 Shun thou fuch bafe potations ; oft' I've thougkt 
 My fpan was ftiort'ned by the noxious draught.-?- 
 But foft, my friend ! is this the foil, the clime, 
 That teaches GRANTA'S tuneful fonstorhime ? 
 On me unfavoury vapours feem to fix 
 Worfethan COCYTUS or the pools of STYX ; 
 Infpir'd by fogs of this flow- winding CAM, 
 O fay, does ' prefume thy flrains to damn f 
 Heed not that mifcreant's tongue ; purfue thy ways 
 Regardlefs of his cenfure,anvj his praife. 
 
 GUIDE.] But ifanyoldlady, knight, prieft, or phyficiac s 
 Should condemn me for printing a fecond edition, 
 If good Madam SQJJINTUM my work mould abufe, 
 May I venture to give her a fmack of my mufe ? 
 
 GHOST.]
 
 ( 17) 
 
 GHOST.] By all manner of means: ifthou find'ihhaf) 
 
 the cafe, 
 
 Tho' (he cant, whine, and pray, never mind her grimace, ! 
 Take the mafk from her d-mn'd hypocritical face. J 
 
 GUIDE.] Come on then, ye Mufes, I'll laugh down my 
 
 day, 
 
 In fpite of them all will I carol my lay ; 
 But perifh my voice, and untun'd be my lyre 
 If my verfe one indelicate thought mall infpire : 
 Ye angels ! who watch o'er the ilumbering fair, 
 Protect their fweet dreams, make their virtue your care ! 
 Bear witnefs yon moon, the chafle emprefs of night! 
 Yon ftars that diffufe the pure heavenly light ! 
 
 How
 
 How oft have I mourn'd that fuch blame fhould accrue 
 From one wicked letter of pious Mifs PRUE ! 
 May this lazy ftream, who to GRANT A beftows 
 Philofophical flumbers and learned repofe, 
 To GRANTA, fweet GRANTA, (where ftudious of eafe 
 Seven years did I fleep, and then loft my degrees f) 
 May this drowzy current (as oft he is wont) 
 O'erflow all my hay, may my dogs never hunt, 
 May thofe ills to tormeat me, thofe curfes confpire, 
 Which fo oft plague and crufh an unfortunate 'Squire, 
 Some may'rto cajole me, fome lawyer to chowfe, 
 For a/even months feat in the parliament-houfe, 
 
 f Vide Univerlity Regifler, Procters Books, &c. 
 
 There
 
 ('7* ) 
 
 There to finilh my nap, for the good of the nation, 
 > VVake~frank--andbethank'd--by the whole corporation : 
 Then a poor tenant come, when my cam is all fpent, 
 With a bag full ot'tax-bills to pay me his rent ; 
 And O! may fome daemon, thofe plagues to complete, 
 Give me tafte to improve an old family feat 
 By lawningz hundred good acres of wheat ! 
 ' Such ills be my portion, and others much worfe, 
 If flander or calumny poifon my verfe, 
 If ever my well-behav'd mufe fhall appear 
 Indecently droll, unpolitely fevere. 
 
 Good ladies, uncenfur'd Jlat&'s pleafures purfue, 
 May the fprings of oldBLADUD your graces renew ; 
 
 I never
 
 ( 173 ) 
 
 1 never (hall mingle with gall the pure ftream, 
 But make your examples and virtue my theme: 
 Nor fear, ye fweet virgins, that aught I ihall fpeak 
 To call the chafle blufh o'er your innocent cheek j 
 O ! frown not, if haply your poet once more 
 Should feek the delightful Avonian fhore, 
 Where oft he the winter's dull feafon beguiles, 
 Drinks health, life, and joy, from your heavenly fmiles* 
 
 -* 
 
 7*o tbe GHOST. 
 
 For thee, who, to vifit thefe regions of fpleen, 
 Deign'ft to quit the fweet vales of perpetual green, 
 Forfake, happy Shade, this Boeotian air, "] 
 
 Fly hence, to Ely/turn's pure ether repair, 
 ROWE, DRYDEN, and OTWAY thy SHAKESPEARE is i 
 there; J 
 
 There
 
 ( 174 ) 
 
 There THOMSON, poor THOMSON, ingenuous bard, 
 
 Shall equal thy friendfhip, thy kindnefs reward, 
 Thy praife in mellifluous numbers prolong, 
 Who cherifh'd his Mufe and gave life to his fang. 
 AndO may thy genius, bleft fpirit, impart 
 To me the fame virtues that glow'din thy heart, 
 To me, with thy talents convivial, give 
 The art toenjoy the (hort time I mail live ; 
 Give manly, give rational mirth to my foul," 
 O'er the focial fweet joys of the full-flowing bowl, 
 So ne'er may vile fcriblers thy memory ftain, 
 Thy forcible wit may no blockheads profane, 
 Thy faults be forgotten, thy virtues remain. 
 
 Farewell !
 
 ( 175 ) 
 
 Farewell ! may the turf where thy cold reliques reft, 
 Bear herbs, odoriferous herbs o'er thy breaft, 
 Their heads thyme, andfage,a.ndpot'tnarjoram wave, 
 And fat be the gander that feeds on thy grave. 
 
 FINIS.
 
 This book is DUE on the last 
 date stamped below. 
 
 SfffO 
 
 IttTD QJ-URJi 
 
 JjEC'D 
 JUIN 2 3 1 
 
 APR 1 6 1975 
 
 JAN1 
 
 R R 2 3 7 ? 1984 
 
 1984 
 
 10M-11-50(2555)470 REMINGTON RAND - 2O