^ MAYHEW Make Your Wills PR 4989 M47M3I THE MINOR DRAMA THE ACTING EDITION. No. CXXIV. MAKE YOUR WILLS! A FARCE, IN ONE ACT. BY E. MAYHEW AND G. SMITH. TO WHICH ABE ADDED A Description of the Costume— Cast of the Characters—Entrances and Exlt»— Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, an £ S 2 fe.o a, g ri u ~ a to 3 £-- = 3 XJ fctt w MS bl'3 ~ CO C C — — 5 1 °.-d S 3 cc *B B I. ^ O a: 1— » C3 ro "- 2 3 u en "a -. =j s 5« ££2 o rt IgSf w ^ "> £ Ji *98*g 7. npq « w 2 a 2 E K S « « h a ~ ^ * « a w o « -» & O CG i-» Ph 1-1 LIBRARY UNIVERSITY UK < UIFORI SAM A ttARliARA ?? MAKE YOUR WILLS. ACT I. SCENE I. — A Room in Mr. Jreton's House — a window, I., v. e. — a door, l. s. k. — a table and chairs. Mr. Ireton and his Housekeeper heard disputing without. Enter Mr. Ireton and Mrs. Foreright, r. Ire. Woman ! if I were as cold and as brazen as the bon- fire on the top of the Monument, the eternal friction of your insolence would ignite me. In the name of peace, hold your tongue — be dumb ! Mrs. F. I won't — 1 can't I If I don't speak, I shall go mad ! Ire. And if you continue much longer, you'll drive me mad, to a certainty. Mrs. F. Mad ! — The powers in mercy send I may ; for nothing short of downright, stark-staring insanity can ex- cuse such wickedness. Heaven has blessed vou with a child Ire. 'Tis false ! — The devil has cursed me with an imp 1 Heaven sends only good things, and he — — Mrs. F. You wicked old man 1 with one leg in the grave, and the other of no use upon earth, to go to Ire. Hold your tongue I Mrs. F. I won't, if I die for it! Speech is the noblest attribute of woman. Isn't he your son ? Ire. And haven't I a right to do as I please with my own ? Mrs. F. No, no, no — no more than I have. I should like to tear your eyes out with my own hands, but we mustn't use our own, when it is to another's injury. Ire. Indeed ! — Now, once for all, Charles Ireton, my son — a young reprobate 1 — has chosen to marry without my leave, and, in return, I don't choose to make him my heir, but shall adopt his cousin, Septimus Plotter, now at college, in his stead. 10 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. Mrs. F. Then mark my words, and take warning. Ire. You'll take warning first, and quit this house. Mrs. F. (c.) What ! Ire. (l. c.) From this moment you cease to be my housekeeper ; as you don't know your station, you'll quit your place! Mrs. F. Very well, sir ; but I shan't be quite so easily got rid of : thirty years' undisturbed possession is a very good title to stand upon, and I shan't quietly forego my right to your protection. Ire. What ! stay, whether I will or no ? Mrs. F. Answer me this : haven't I been in your em- ploy thirty good years ? Ire. And answer me this : haven't you closed each year with the receipt of thirty good guineas ? Mrs. F. And now you are going to turn me away, be- cause I can't stand by, and see your own child disinherited for that artful hypocrite, his cousin. Poor Master Charles I can I help loving him ? When he was a baby, wasn't he so fond of me, I was obliged to carry him about all day, and sit up with him all night ? Did I ever eat a meal in peace for his dear little fat, chubby hands pulling at every- thing ? When he became a boy, could I leave anything in his way that the little rogue didn't destroy? Wasn't I the friend he always selected to play his little, darling, merry tricks upon ? As he grew older, didn't he frighten me to death every minute with his daring, and plague me into fits with his impudence ? And should I be a natural woman if I didn't love him dearly for it, and oppose every artifice female ingenuity can invent to protect the sweet fellow from injury ? [Sobbing.'] Oh ! oh ! Ire. [Aside, softened.'] Zounds ! a man's heart is like a lump of sugar : woman has but to drop a little warm water on it, and it dissolves in an instant. Mrs. F. Oh, Mr. Ireton ! man finds but little pleasure or profit in sundering those strong feelings which bind the father to his child. Ire. Well, well — what's to be done? Mrs. F. Will you put my plan into practice ? Ire. I don't like it. Mrs. F. We don't like medicine, yet, for our good, we swallow it. Ire. But this is kill or cure ; yet, as you seem so con- fident in the result, be it so ; I'll try it. [Knocking with- 9ut.] See who knocks. SCENE I.] DUKE YOUR WILLS. 11 Mrs. F. [Going to the window, l. u. e.] As I live, it's Mr. Charles himself, and his little wife ; doubtless coming to confess and be forgiven. Now, sir, remember the scheme. Ire. Yes, yes ; do you begone. Stay ! — By the bye, it is no part of our agreement that I am not to reprimand my hopeful for his disobedience. Mrs. F. As you please. So that you bear the main point in view, I care not by what means you bring it about. [Exit, l. Enter Charles and Clara, l. d. Charles. [Hesitating.'] Sir — I come Ire. Well, I see you are come. Who's that with you ? Charles. [Much confused.] This lady, sir — has come — with me — [Kneeling with Clara.] Your blessing, sir 1 Ire. What farce is this ? A young booby tugs a full- grown wench into my presence, and, without preface or introduction, rhyme or reason, they thump upon their marrow-bones, and solicit my blessing 1 Charles. Can you be ignorant, sir, that I have the ho- nour, sir, to cail this lady by the endearing name of wife ? Ire. I can't conceive how I should be otherwise, as you never till this moment did me the honour to communicate the pleasing intelligence. Charles. Dear father, your hasty temper Ire. You doubtless thought would excuse your hasty conduct. The lady, I presume, is heiress to such a for- tune as the son of old Ireton should look for with his bride ? Charles, (c.) Exalted in virtue as in beauty, her want of fortune is the only objection the most sordid malice could urge against our union. Ire. (n. c.) Of course I — Like a true heroine, she has every interesting qualification, from beggary to ballad- singing. Beauty and such stuff may be very pretty amuse- ment between meals, but I'm afraid you'll find them but poor additions to the dinner-table. Come, sirrah ! as you have thought proper to provide yourself a wife without my assistance, you had better look to providing her with a home; in which matter, I promise you, I shall not in any way interfere. And a word in your car — I have my will to make I Clara. Oh, sir ! add not your displeasure to jrOM poor ion's afllictions ! The absence of wealth may be sup- 12 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. ported, but what can compensate the loss of a parent's love ? Ire. A scolding wife, and a hungry brat squalling within doors, and a sheriff's officer and the tax-gatherer knocking without. Matrimony, madam ! Clara. Your reproaches are heavy to bear, sir ; for they teach me, that what I thought the greatest proof of my affection, will prove the direst cause of my husband's ruin. Charles. Clara, say no more. My father will one day know how harshly he has judged me. Ire. Quit this house, sir I Charles. I obey ; but you have intimated that even death shall not quench your anger. Father I for your own sake, consider how far your quitting this world in a •pirit of unrelenting resentment, is likely to plead for your forgiveness in the next ! [Exeunt Charles and Clara, l. d. Re-enter Mrs. Foreright, l. Mrs. F. Oh, noble youth 1 glorious boy ! Did he not behave nobly ? Ire. Very ! — He entered my presence to inform me of his disobedience, and quitted it with a noble intimation that I had a fair chance of going to the devil ! Mrs. F. Time will show. There's his odious cousin, and that impudent ape, his man, down stairs. It was as much as 1 could do to keep my gentleman below till I had announced him. Mercy on me '. one would think, from his forwardness, that you were actually dead, and the in- tended heir had already entered into possession ! Enter Septimus Plotter, l. d., running — he pushes Mrs. Foreright aside, and embraces Mr. Ireton. Sep. My ever-honoured uncle ! impatience could brook no longer delay. You must excuse the hasty love which spurns at forms, and thus, unbidden, hurries to pay its respects to you. Mrs. F. Psha ! [Exit in disgust, r. s. e. Ire. My dear nephew, you are welcome from college : ysur presence is indeed an alleviation. Sep. An alleviation ! — What can have happened ? Ire. Oh! Sep. Alas ! who in this transitory world shall be exempt ? The jewelled crown, the ermined robe, and the peasant's frock, alike enfold a sufferer. Ire. Very true ; we ought to be thankful. SCENE I.] MAKE TOUR WILLS. 13 Sep. Pain and trouble are but the proofs of virtue ; the good are born to suffer. Ire. But you don't know what I have had to endure. — Sit down ; I long to unbosom myself without reserve. — [After various little ceremonies, expressive of Septimus' affection for him, they scat themselves.] Your cruel cousin Sep. What, he ! — And you, the best of fathers Ire. Has dared to fall in love, without asking my ad- ▼ice! Sep. Impossible ! b* cannot be so base I Ire. Nay, more Sep. What ! has he tampered with the affections of some unfortunate ? Ire. No, not that : I'm the only unfortunate whose af- fection he has left unrequited. Sep. Can he, then, have taken advantage of some poor girl's lovely weakness, and glory in the vile epithet of se- ducer ? Ire. No : if it had been only that, I might have for- given him, for we all have our weak points ; but the villain is actually married 1 Sep. Married ! Ire. (c.) Married ; and, to add to his offence, the wo- man isn't worth a farthing ! Sep. (l. c.) Let me pause for breath. Oh, my dear uncle ! I can feel for you — pity you — weep with you I — For when a son— Ire. A being whom you have troubled yourself to bring into the world I Sep. A creature reared beneath your fostering hand* I Ire. Educated at your expense ! Sep. Nurtured by your care ! Ire. Pushed forward by your interest ! Sep. When such a son, I say again, can forget the re- spect — Ire. The obedience — Sep. The duty— Ire. The gratitude — Sep. The reverential confidence he owes his parent Ire. Yes, when that parent happens to be his father, — Sep. When such a son, I say again, can forget ull this, by withholding his confidence in an affair of such vital concern as marriage, what punishment can be too great ? B 14 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. Ire. [Jumping up."} What punishment can be great enough ? Sep. What punishment, indeed ! Ire. To forgive would be not to resent Sep. I can't advise — my feelings are too excited. Ire. If I were never to see him again, should I treat him too harshly ? Sep. I dare not venture a reply. Oh ! the weakness of human nature ! Ire. I'll disinherit the dog ! Sep. [Pretending to plead for Charles.] Yet man is vanity ; and perhaps my cousin was afraid Ire. Afraid of what ? — Wasn't I always indulgent? Sep. You were too good ; but perhaps his feeling Ire. What did he care for my feeling ? Sep. Alas ! what, indeed 1 But want of confidence Ire. Want confidence '. — Why, he had the impudence to come here, and ask me to forgive him ! — No, no ; he is no son of mine ! You shall henceforth be the comfort of my age — my heir — my adopted child 1 [They embrace. Enter Joseph Brag, l. d t>rag. Hem ! hem ! Ire. Who is this fellow ? Sep. This is the servant who attended me at college. Ire. Gadso ! I'll interrogate him. [Laughing.] Ha ! ha! ha! — He will let' me into your secrets, Septimus. — [To Brag.] Come here, my master. Why don't you move ? Brag. You called your master ; I call that gentleman master ; I'm i !y a man. Ire. Come hither, sirrah. Now speak the truth. [Ireton turns up, and adjusts his chair — Septimus and Brag converse apart. Sep. If you dare ! — Lie for your life ! Brag. A man can't lie upon nothing : a poor knave's a 6orry wit. Sep. [Giving his purse.] Here, cormorant 1 Brag. Thank ye. Sin always meets its reward in this world, they say, and very well rewarded it is, too ! [Clink- ing the money.] A little roguery is the best trading stock for a young man to begin life with, for the demand never decreases the commodity. Sep. Now, rascal, remember your want of truth is my security SCENE I.] MAKE YOUR WILLS. 15 Brag. Then you may be perfectly satisfied with my he- ability. I'm all chaff; there's nothing to be got out of me even by thrashing. Ire. [Having seated himself.] Now : does your muter make much progress at college ? Brag. No one gets on very fast there. Ire. How so ? Brag. Because they're all promoted by degrees. Ire. Come, sir, you'll not indulge your humour in my presence, sir ; wit may be impertinent. Brag. I thought there was something the matter with it ; it's gone so plaguily out of fashion lately. Ire. Tell me, what kind of a character does your master bear? Brag. There isn't a gentleman oftener spoken of, or bet- ter known than my master, in Brazen College. Sep. Brazen Nose College, uncle. [Apart to Brag.] Ba careful, villain ! Ire. What ! my nephew studies to get on, then ? Brag. I believe you! And if he doesn't stop, he'll be a perfect master of arts in a very short time. Ire. {Joyously.] Indeed ! — Everything confirms my re- solution. Here, fellow, run to Mr. Process, my attorney, and tell him I want to make my will. Brag. [Archly to Septimus.] Please, sir, may I go? Sep. [Apart to Brag.] Certainly — go to the devil I Brag. [Going.] Probably I shall meet him at the at- torney's. [Exit, l. Sep. Dearest uncle, let me beg of you to pause ; my cousin may mend. Ire. I hate patchwork : a mended character is like joined china — ready to fall to pieces again on the slightest trial of its strength. I'm impatient till the attorney ar- rives. Re-enter Mrs. Forerigiit, r. s. e. Mrs. F. I beg pardon, sir, but Bless me ! may I go to heaven this moment if I ever 6aw such a total change I My poor master ! Ire. What's the matter ? Mrs. F. Don't you feel it, then ? You seem all over like Ire. Do I ? Mr». F. You look as no one ought to look on this sido B 2 16 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. the grave ; just as you were last time the aperplexy took you short. Sep. Apoplexy ! [Aside.'} "Why don't that rascal make haste with the attorney ! Mrs. F. My poor dear master ! — The doctor said the next attack would prove fatal. Ire. So he did ; and I shall be able to see if he spoke truth : if he deceives me, I'll never employ him again ; but if he is correct ' Mrs. F. You'll never live to reward him, for then you die! Sep. Die ! [Aside.] Not before he has made his will, I hope! [Aloud.] Uncle, pray don't agitate yourself ; I'll run for the doctor. Mrs. F. No, no. Help me to get Mr. Ireton to the sofa in the next room. Ire. I wish Mr. Process had arrived. Sep. [Pretending to weep.] Tears of regret will force themselves. This is the most painfully anxious moment of my life. [Aside.] Where's that cheating lawyer ? Mrs. F. Good young man ! don't cry ; your uncle may yet be spared. Sep. [Aside.] He might be spared well enough if he had but made his will ! [Assisting Mr. Ireton, who moves with difficulty.] Lean on me, sir. Ire. Oh ! my time is come — I must prepare 1 Mrs. F. Don't give way — let me support you. Sep. Don't be in a hurry, uncle — gently ! so, so ! Ohl if you leave me now, I shall never survive the loss !— [Aside.] Hang that lawyer ! [Aloud.] Not so fast ! — [Aside.] Why don't he make haste 1 [Aloud.] When you are gone, what shall I have to console me ? [Aside.] The will will never be made, and I'm ruined ! [Groaning.] Oh! oh! [Exeunt Septimus and Mrs. Foreright, helping Mr. Ireton off, r. — Septimus returns, greatly agitated. Sep. Oh, Fortune ! Fortune ! for once remove the bandage from thy eyes, and look with pity on a votary who worships thee as I do ! My very existence hangs upon the old man's will ! Where is my scoundrel ? — Spare my uncle's breath till I am made his heir, then cut short his dangerous thread of life ! Oh, for an attorney ! [Joyfully.] There's a foot upon the stairs ! [Despond- ingly.] It is only one foot, and I cannot hear a second ! — It is that villain, Brag, and, by all that's ill, he comet alone! SCENE I.] MAKE YOUR WILLS. 17 Re-enter Brag, l. Now, speak : could you find the house ? Did you find out the attorney ? Brag. Yes, sir, I found him out, but left word he was to come here the moment he came in. Sep. How long will it be before Mr. Process is here ? Brag. Can't say, sir ; but the law is famous for a slow process. Mrs. Foreright. [Lamenting without.] Oh 1 oh t Sep. What cry is that ? Brag. Some old woman blubbering. Re-enter Mrs. Foreright, r. s. e. Mrs. F. [Wringing her hands and crying.'] Oh I oh ! Sep. What's the matter? Brag. Who's been hurting you ? Mrs. F. My poor — dear — master Sep. What? Mrs. F. Is dead : Sep. Dead ! — Then the die is cast ! Brag. Nonsense ! He sent me for a lawyer ; and you don't mean to say I've been all that way for nothing ? Mrs. F. When I got the old gentleman up stairs, he suddenly turned all over white ; and before I could cry out for help, he fell down dead in a moment, and I stood alone with a dead man. Brag. Well, nobody couldn't make any scandal of that. Sep. [Who has been in deep thought, now advances to the servants.] How unlucky — how particularly unlucky ! I am now without the power, my dear friends, of express- ing, otherwise than in words, the respect — the esteem your inestimable virtues have inspired me with. Mrs. F. [Courtesy ing.) Thank ye, sir. Brag. I'm sure you can't feel more sorry for that than I do, sir ; it is particularly vexing. Sep. Had my dear uncle's last wish been fulfilled ! — On my own account I am perfectly indifferent ; « crust and a cottage, sweetened by content Hut I had hoped to settle a comfortable farm and an enviable independence on you, my faithful and respected friends '. [Taking their hands. Mrs. F. What ! a farm and independence I Brag. No ! — What 1 live in the country, and kill one'e own mutton I 1.3 18 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. Sep. For your sakes I would brave anything. Would we could contrive some scheme by which my dear uncle's latest wish could be effected, notwithstanding his decease 1 Mrs. F. For a farm and independence, I'd agree to anything. Brag. It certainly seems very desirable. Sep. I have it, then. When the lawyer arrives, you, Brag, shall personate the old gentleman, and, under that disguise, give directions for the will. Brag. Stop a moment. This looks like forgery, and I've no ambition to die for the public good. Sep. Pho ! it's but transportation at worst. Brag. If that's all, since emigration has become fash- ionable, I don't so much mind. Mrs. F. But, gentlemen, there is one point not so ea- sily surmounted : Mr. Process is intimately acquainted with my master's person. Sep. That looks like a difficulty, but " Aut Cjesar aut nullus." We must contrive to prevent the attorney's ap- proaching the supposed Mr. Ireton, and, by our cries and feigned distress, so heighten the scene, as to blind the old fellow to the deception. [Knocking without.'] See who's there. Mrs. F. [Going to the window, l. v. e.] Mr. Process, as I live ! Sep. Hasten and bring one of my uncle's gowns and caps. [Exit Mrs. Foreright, hastily, r. s. e.] Now mind, Brag, you are to support the character of a gentleman. Brag. Oh, sir, that's impossible ; I can't do such a thing upon this beggarly amount of ready cash. Fill my pockets, and one may enter into the spirit of the part. Sep. You have my purse ; I have no more money about me. Brag. A check will do — I'm not particular. You've often said I wanted a check ; I'm sure I do now. Sep. My dear friend ■ Brag. Friend! — Oh, yes! I'm your friend, because I'm going to prove myself a rascal ! Re-enter Mrs. Foreright, hastily, r. s. e., with a scarlet goicn and night-cap. Mrs. F. [To Septbmis.] Here is the gown and cap ; do you, sir, act as valet while I show Mr. Process up. [Exit, L. D. Sep. Now, my dear fellow, pray be careful ; remember, the slightest indiscretion might betray me. 8CENE I.] MAKE YOUR WILLS. 19 Brag. [Putting on the gown and cap."] Oh! I'll be awake ! Sep. You have above one hundred thousand pounds to bestow. My cousin Charles (your son) you must pretend to be very indignant with, and leave nothing to. Mrs. Foreright you may give fifty pounds or so, but no more, for fear of exciting suspicion ; — the lawyer you may pre- sent with a mourning ring and a small legacy, just to keep the old rogue quiet ; but all the rest you will leave to me, for whom you must profess the highest esteem. Brag. Come, you seem to forget there's such a person as Mr. Joseph Brag. Must I leave that worthy little chap nothing ? Sep. Leave that to me — I'll take care of him ; to be sure, you might give him a trifle on account of his devoted service to your beloved nephew. Be quick ; muffle your- self up, and don't speak more than you can help. Here they are ! Re-enter Mas. Foreright, l. d., followed by Mr. Pro- cess and his Ci.erk, with papers, 8fc. — they tread very softly. Sep. Hush! Pro. [To Septimus, in a whisper.] How is Mr. Ireton ? Sep. Oh ! very — very ill ! Pro. [Peeping at Brag, who turns away."] Alas, poor gentleman, he seems to have fallen away very much ; I declare lie does not look like the same man, illness has so altered him. I should hardly have known him. May I speak a word of consolation ? Mrs. F. By no manner of means ; your going near him might be attended with the most frightful consequences. Sep. Be seated. [Very tenderly.] Uncle — dear uncle I the lawyer's come. Brag. [Sitting in the arm-chair, r.j Oh ! Mrs. F. Poor sufferer 1 Pro. It's really quite affecting ! [He and the Clerk seat themselves at the table, near l. u. e.] Now, sir, if you please to dictate. First, you will and bequeath to Charles Ireton, your son Sep. [Prompting Brag.] Cut him off with a shilling I Brag. He sha'n't have nothing ; you may chalk nix to his score ! Pro, [Astonished.] Nix to his score I 20 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. Sep. [Apart to Brag, alarmed.] You'll ruin all ! Re- member, you're a gentleman ; think of your character. Brag. \_Aj)art.~\ Pho 1 where's the use of thinking of my character, when I'm committing forgery? Pro. Now, sir, if you please. On whom do you wish to bestow any mark of your esteem ? Sep. [Apart to Brag.] To Mrs. Foreright, your house- keeper. Brag. To my housekeeper, Mrs. Foreright. Mrs. F. Oh I my poor, dear master I Brag. The squash farm in Barksher, and two thousand pounds in cash. Sep. [Apart, pinching Brag very spitefully.'] Stop ! — What are you about ? One hundred pounds would have been too much. Brag. [Jumping up in pain.] Oh, dear ! Mrs. F. [Embracing him, and forcing him into his seat again.] My poor, dear master ! Pro. Take your leisure, sir. When you are sufficiently recovered Brag. To my nephew, Mr. Septimus Plotter, I give — Sep. [Apart to Brag.] Don't be afraid — be very ge- nerous. [Aloud.] Poor, kind uncle 1 you really over- power me ! Brag. I give two hundred a year. [Aside.] And that's more than he desarves. Sep. Uncle, there's sixty thousand pounds funded pro- perty. Brag. My dear nephew, hold your tongue. Two hun- dred pounds — that will do ! Sep. [Apart to him.] And all the lauded estate, villain I Brag. Two hundred a year ! Sep. [Apart.] Where's the park in Derbyshire ? the fens in Lincolnshire ? the Cornwall mines ? [Striking him violently.] Oh ! you precious scoundrel ! Brag. [Starting up in agony.] Oh ! my Mrs. F. [Forcing him down.] Poor, dear master Pro. Really, his sufferings are horrible. Well, Mr. Ireton, what are we to do with the rest of the property ? Brag. All that's over Sep. It's over and above one hundred thousand yet. Brag. All that's over, on account of his devoted service to my beloved nephew, his amiable character, and excel- lent disposition, I give to that worthy and good little young man, Mr. Joseph Brag. SCENE I.] MAKE YOUR WILLS. 21 Stp. [Aside.] I shall go mad ! [To Brag.] My dearest uncle, that fellow is not deserving of a farthing ; he is the greatest knave in existence ! Brag. Be quiet, or I'll take away the two hundred a year. He is the person I love best in the world ; and I should be a fool not to take care of him. Pro. This is very strange ! [To Brag.] I'm afraid this will may be set aside. Any other gift, sir ? [Very insinua- tingly.] Is there no long-tried friend, or faithful acquain- tance, to whom you might wish to bequeath a trifling token of your esteem ? Brag. Oh, yes : you may put yourself down for five thousand pounds. Sep. [Apart to Process.] This will can never stand : may it not be contested ? Pro. I don't know ; it is legally made, and a man has a right to dispose of his property as he thinks fit. [Aside.] Five thousand pounds ! [To Septimus.] I see no reason to dispute it. Sep. [Aside.] Duped ! caught in my own snare ! Pro. [To Brag.] Will you please to sign your name, sir ? Brag. [Aside.] The devil ! — I can't write. [Groaning.] Oh ! oh 1 the gout in my fingers ! Mrs. F. Mr. Ireton hasn't been aHe to hold a pen these six weeks. Brag. [Groaning.] Oh ! oh ! Pro. Then he must make his mark, and signify in the presence of witnesses that he intends it to answer the pur- pose of his signature. [Going.] I'll call in some of the servants as witnesses — any one will do. Mrs. F. [Apart to Septimus.] If they see him, they'll discover all I Sep. [Pulling Process back.] No, no, no ! Pray do not trouble yourself ; here are witnesses present ; your clerk will answer all that the law requires. [The will is signed. Pro. [Taking up the will.] The necessary forms may be completed elsewhere. Mr. Ireton — my valued friend ! good bye ! The proof which you have just given me of your esteem overpowers my speech ; but if I never see you again, I shall never forget the five thousand pounds ! — » Good bye ! good bye ! [Exeunt Process and the Clerk, preceded by Mr$, Foreright, l. d. 33 MAKE YOUR WILLS. ACT I. Sep. Oh, you precious villain 1 Brag. Come, none of— — — he-enter Process, hastily, l. d. — Septimus and Brag in- stantaneously resume their former characters of uncle and nephew. Pro. [Going to the table. - ] I had forgotten my specta- cles. Good bye ! good bye ! [Exit, v. d. Brag. There ! you see we were within an inch of being catched. Sep. I almost wish the discovery were made 1 Brag. [Throwing off the gown and cap.] There, that job's jobbed I Sep. [Despondingly .] Yes, it is accomplished. [Aside."] Shall I strangle the rascal ? Brag. It certainly was very accomplished ; it's the best half hour's work I ever did in my life ! Sep. What name shall I iise to fit your villany ? You have cheated us all. Brag. I can't see that : you said I was to act like a gentleman, and it isn't manners to forget oneself. Sep. I'll remember you, — rascal 1 Brag. Rascal, indeed ! — Here's gratitude ! Sep. Gratitude ! [Crosses to r. Brag. Of course. Haven't I just given you two hun- dred a year ? S°n You given me ? Brag. And, moreover, run the risk of being hanged to oblige you ? But some people can never feel a favour. Sep. The gallows, I doubt not, will soon free me from the obligation. Brag. That's a convenience that accommodates more than one at a time. You'd better not talk too loud. Sep. [Desperately.] I'll no longer endure this inso- lence ! [Advancing.] The laws which I have violated shall avenge me ! Brag. Are you going to 'peach ? Sep. [Overcoming his pride.] No, no: our mutual safety renders it imperative that we should not indulge any recrimination. It is too late for that to be productive of aught but ill. Let us, therefore, dismiss all angry feelings, and talk calmly. I suppose you have not many relatives living ; — brothers or sisters ? Brag. Yes, but I have, though ; the Brags are a great family. SCENE II.] MAKE TOUR WILLS. 23 Sep. Where are they ? Brag. {Significantly.'] Why, like most great families, they're provided for — in places under government. Sep. I understand you : they're imprisoned or trans- ported. Brag. They're taken care of; there's not much chance of their troubling me. Sep. Then as you have none but yourself to maintain, do you not think that the half of one hundred thousand pounds might be sufficient for your wants, and equal to your extravagance ? Brag. Stay : will the half let me ride in a cab whenever I like ; drink lots of early purl ; have an odd brown to treat a friend ; and get tea at Grinnich on a Sunday, like other gentlemen ? Sep. I assure you, on my honour, on half that sum you may do as you please. Brag. That's all 1 want ; as for the rest Sep. I hope my claims will not pass unnoticed. Brag. If it will stop your mouth, you may have it. Sep. My friend, your hand ! Brag. [Shaking hands] That's your sort ! Sep. One common interest unites us. Brag. Ours is an interesting union — very 1 Sep. Come, we must go and pay the old gentleman • visit. Brag. What, the dead man as I did duty for ? Sep. Yes. Brag. Thank you — I'd rather not visit him. Sep. Why? Brag. He was a gentleman, and might, perhaps, return the call. Sep. You must not indulge these idle fears : he has paid the debt of nature. Brag. Aye, downed with his dust, like a trump I Sep. Come, cheer up ! Brag. Well, who's afraid? Sep. Your hand I Brag. There! Sep. Bravo ! [Exeunt, n. SCENE II. — Another Chamber in Mr. Ireton's House, darkened a little — a sofa bed in a recess, r. f. — chain and table, with a bottle of brandy on it, near l. o. e. 24 MAKE YOUR WILLS. [ACT I. Mr. Ireton and Mrs. Foreright discovered. Ire. Impossible ! Mrs. F. Nay, it's true, or I'm a false woman ! Ire. How could old Process be so imposed upon ? Mrs. F. I can't say, sir, unless the five thousand pounds which Brag left him blinded his perception. Ire. Five thousand pounds! — With what conscience could the attorney accept so preposterous a gift ? Mrs. F. La ! sir, have you lived to these years, and wonder at a lawyer's conscience ? I'll warrant it is capa- cious enough to receive your whole fortune, without any material inconvenience to its possessor. Ire. The voracious rascal 1 — Five thousand pounds ! — All that that fellow has ever done for me was to persuade me into three law suits, in every one of which I was non- suited with damages, and costs on both sides. Mrs. F. I hear a door open. It is too early to discover yourself yet : you must consent to sham dead for a short time, and we shall see how the monsters conduct them- selves. Ire. Sham dead ! — I fear that's impossible ; for every nerve in my body quivers with indignation. I am too much alive to the insult they have offered me. Mrs. F. Nay, you must consent, or it will spoil all. Ire. Give me a glass of brandy to compose my nerves, or rather let me swallow the contents of the bottle ; for dead drunk I may become, but as for remaining in any other condition ten consecutive- minutes — Lord help me ! Mrs.F. [Softly.} Down, sir, down ; for they are here. [She forces Mr. Ireton upon the sofa, and leans over hi?n, pretending excessive grief. Enter Septimus Plotter, r., pulling Brag after him. Sep. Come, Brag, don't hang so. Brag. Lord, sir ! don't look so pleasant ; you forget the departed's present, poor old defunct! Sep. Psha ! it's only respectful to visit one who has been so good to us. Brag. It would be more respectful to wait till he asked us. Enter Charles, l. Mrs. F. Oh, Mr. Charles ! your poor father Sep. [Apart to Brag.] Brag, we must prepare for woe. SCENB II.] MAKE YOUR WILLS. 25 Mind and be pathetic. [To Charles.} Cousin, this is a melancholy sight ! Charles. My poor father ! the last words he spoke to me were spoken in anger. Sep. Don't despond, cousin. If the poor old gentle- man has been unjust towards you, my affection will ever shield your welfare. Charles. [Shaking him by the hand.] I thank you. — But what can supply a father's blessing, now doubly dear, since he is no more ? Brag. [Endeavouring to cry."] Human nature is human nature, Master Charles ; and, putting the old chap's bles- sing on one side, [Pulling out Septimus's jmrse.] if a trifle is of any use, I'll stand by you till the last. Charles. [Avoiding him, and turning to Septimus.'] Who is this fellow, Septimus ? Brag. Fellow ! — I was a particular intimate of your papa's. Just before he popped oft', I had the honour of smoothing the flannel round his great toe for the last time. " Brag," says he, with a peculiarly dying accent, " Brag, you've done a good thing for yourself; and when I'm Sep. [Apart, punching him in the side.] Hush Brag. And when I'm Sep. [Apart to him.] Hush ! Charles. What more did my poor father add ? Brag. He didn't add any more, for just then he was took with such a dig in the side, that it interrupted the conversation. Mrs. F. My poor, dear master ! — Oh ! oh ! Charles. Septimus, this fellow's presence insults my departed parent's memory. Let me beg he may retire. Sep. [Expostulating.] He was a great friend of the deceased. Brag. Yes, I was a very great friend indeed of the dis- eased ; and as for you, Master Charles, you'd better keep your mouth shut, or you may want something to put into it ; for your dear, dead-and-gone papa said he'd cut you off with a shilling. Charles. That which you have related affects me in no other way, than as a proof of my poor father's feelings to- wards me at the period of his decease. The loss of for- tune I can easily surmount ; but that my parent should have quitted this world without having pardoned my indis- cretion, is indeed a heavy affliction ! [Rjcit, Weeping, L, Sep. Thank heaven I in that humour, he threatens littlo c 2C MAKE YOUR WILLS. [iCT I. interruption to the success of our plan. Mrs. Foreright, it will be no more than proper if we go and put every thing in order, send for the undertaker, and give notice of the funeral. Brag. [Crossing to l.] I'll run for the undertaker. Sep. No ; you must remain here, and watch the body. Brag. Watch the body ! — Where's the use of that ? — There's no chance of a dead man's running away. Mrs. F. But it is not usual to leave the corpse alone. Brag. Nonsense i — What can a corpse want company for ? He'll be just as lively by himself. Sep. Brag, these perverse humours will ruin all. Here is plenty of brandy ; and surely a few moments — when you know how much we have at stake. Brag. Well, if this is being a man of property Sep. Come, Mrs. Foreright, we have no time to lose. [Exeunt Septimus and Mrs. Foreright, l. Brag. [Calling after them.~\ I say, if any one wants to see the master of the house, I'm not engaged. [Sitting at the table.] How quiet it is ! [Evidently alarmed.'] Some people love quiet ! [Attempting to sing, but is unable.] Tol lol tol de rol ! I'd give something for a good blowing out now ! Here's the bottle. They're so very correct about the dead man, I wonder they let him drink. Here's his health. [Drinking.] Come, there is some comfort in life ! The old boy was fond of brandy ; I wonder if he'd like some now ? Ire. [On the sofa behind.] Yes ! Brag. [Starting.] Who spoke ? — Who spoke, I say ? Well, I'd have sworn it was a voice ! [Attempting to laugh.] Ha ! ha I ha ! — What a fool I must be ! — Ugh 1 [Looking timorously around him.] I'm all alone. I want priming. I'm just like the prince regent's bomb in the park — not good for much without it ; but prime me up to the muzzle, and I'll go off at anything. Brandy's better than fire ; — coals scorch the toes, but brandy warms the heart. The old boy's heart must be plaguy cold. — Wouldn't you like some of this, old buck ? Ire. Yes. Brag. [Rising.] Come, no jokes; you don't frighten me. Who's there? Ire. [Rising from the sofa.] I. Brag. Then mind your eye, for I'm up 1 A dead man can't talk. Oh, la! I wish somebody would come, for I'm getting serious ! [Mr. Ireton comes behind him.] SCENE III.] MAKE YOUR WILL9. 27 Pho ! who's afraid ?— Perhaps the old man's disturbed for some brandy. I say— I I will you take this ? [He holds out the glass, which Mr. Ireton takes from his hand— Brag sees him, and, believing it to be a ghost, becomes dreadfully alarmed.] Ugh 1 ugh 1 — What does your poor spirit want ? Ire. Brandy ! Brag. [Dropping the bottle.'] There 1 Lie down— go and lie down, like a dead Christian ! Ire. I want you to give me your hand. Brag. No, no ! [Bawling out.] Help !— Oh ! oh 1 [He dodges about to avoid Ireton, and ultimately darts by him with desperate energy, and exits, l. SCENE III. — The Drawing Room in Mr. Ireton' s House — a table with a cover near l. u. e.— folding doort\ c. r. Enter Charles, Clara, Septimus Plotter, and Mrs. Foreright, c. d. f. Charles. It is too true — my father is no more ! Mrs. F. Come, Charles, you must not give way thus ; your father's unrelenting resentment might excuse your tears. Charles. No, no : it is my sorrow that I ever gave him cause. Brag. [Without.] Ugh I oh! oh! Sep. [Aside.] That's Brag's unlucky voice ! — Hi» blundering will ruin all ! Mrs. F. What can have happened ? Enter Joseph Brag, c. d. p., rushing forward, pale and trembling. Brag. [Screaming .] Oh ! oh 1 Sep. Why this alarm ? Brag. 1— [Pointing of.]— 1— he I [Groaning.] Oh I Mrs. F. What do you mean ? Brag. [Trembling.] I've seen it! — Ugh 1 Sep. Seen it ! — What has frightened you ? Brag. A — oh ! — a glass of brandy '. Mrs. F. Pho ! a glass of brandy can never have pro- duced this exceeding timidity. Brag. No, no — it wasn't that, but — the ghost I Sep, Charles, 8f Clara. The ghost ! Mrs.F. [Laughing.] Hal hal ha 1 — You have been frightened by your own shadow. Brag. My shadow ! — Oh, la ! it was Mr. Ireton'i c2 A A THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFOI Santa Barbara STACK COLLEC THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE I STAMPED BELOW. LOw 5,'65(F4 I