uu -y^\ j5 ;'-u*x.>;t:^T. '; .- 1 J: , .r-.Mi-x'^ "MY DAUGHTER, I FORESEE MANY CALAMITIES WHICH WILL INEVITABLY BEFALL THEE." AUTHOR'S NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VI I CANNOT refrain once more from natural annoyance at the excessively careless fashion in which my conceptions are being realised by this Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji. Surely, if he was ignorant of the costume of so exalted a pundit as the liritish Astrologer Royal, he could at least have taken the trouble to cram up the uniform in some work of reference at a Public Library ! In any case a little reflection would have shown even Mr Pahtridhji that such a dignitary could not be correctly represented in a turban. Most probably on so special an occasion he would have assumed his full-dress extinguisher cap adorned with Zodiacal emblems. Such inaccuracies would perhaps be of mediocre im- portance if they occurred in the illustrations to a work of ordinary fiction. But in the present case of a novel which depends chiefly on its scathingly realistic ex- posures of London High Life, it is much to be deplored that some more observant and experienced artist could not have been selected. I would respectfully remind my honble friends the Publishers that many a stately vessel has become a total loss owing to ill-judged parsimony in the tar department ! And I humbly recommend them (if not too late) to adopt Spartan measures, by instantaneously throwing Mr Pahtridhji overboard, and handing the job over to the President of the Royal Academy of Arts, who from his tip-top position would be most likely to execute same in a competent manner and to the general satisfaction of the Public. H. B. J. A RIGHTABOUT FACER 59 attach any importance to the mere ipse dixit of so antiquated a charlatan as the Astrologer- Royal, who was utterly incapable — except at very long intervals — to bring about even such a simple affair as an eclipse which was visible from his own Observatory 1 However, the Princess, being a feminine, was naturally more prone to puerile credulities, and very solemnly declared that nothing would induce her to kneel by Mr Bhosh's side at the torch of Hymen until he should first have distinguished himself as a Derby winner. Whereat Mr Bhosh, perceiving that the date of his nuptial ceremony was become a dies non in a Grecian calendar, did wring his hands in a bath of tears. Alas ! he was totally unaware that it was his implacable enemy, the Duchess Dickinson, who had thus upset his apple-cart of felicity — but so it was, for by a clandestine bribe, she had corrupted the Astrologer- Royal — a poor, weak, very avaricious old chap — to trump out such a disastrous prediction. 60 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL Some heroes in this hard pHght would have thrown up the leek, but Mr Bhosh was stuffed with sterner materials. He swore a very long oath by all the gods that he had ceased to believe in, that sooner or later, by crook or hook, he would win the Derby race, though entirely destitute of horseflesh and very ill able to afford to purchase the most mediocre quadruped. Here some sporting readers will probably object ! Why could he not enlist his unwieldy gifthorse among Derby candidates and so hoist the Duchess on the pinnacle of her own petard ? To which I reply : Too clever by halves, Misters ! Imprimis, the steed in question was of far too ferocious a temperament (though undeniably swift-footed) ever to become a favourite with Derby judges ; secondly, after dismounting Mr Bhosh, it had again taken to its heels and departed into the Unknown, nor had Mr Bhosh troubled himself to ascertain its private address. A RIGHTABOUT FACER 61 But fortune favours the brave. It happened that Mr Bhosh was one day promenading down the Bayswater Road when he was passed by a white horse drawing a milk chariot with un- paralleled velocity, outstripping omnibuses, waggons, and even butcher-carts in its wind- like progress, which was unguided by any restraining hand, for the milk-charioteer him- self was pursuing on foot. His natural puissance in equine affairs enabled Mr Bhosh to infer that the steed which could cut such a record when handi- capped with a cumbrous dairy chariot would exhibit even greater speed if in puris naturali- bus, and that it might even not improbably carry off first prize in the Derby race. So, as the milk-charioteer ran up, overblown with anxiety, to learn the result of his horse's escapade, Mr Bhosh stopped him to inquire what he would take for such an animal. The dairy-vendor, rather foolishly taking it for granted that horse and cart were gone concerns, thought he was making the good 62 A BAYARD FROxM BENGAL stroke of business in offering the lot for a twenty-pound note. " I have done with you ! " cried Mr Bhosh sharply, handing over the purchase-money, which he very fortunately chanced to have about him, and galloping off to inspect his bargain, which was like buying a pig after once poking it in the ribs. In what condition he found it I must leave you to learn, my dear readers, in an ensuing chapter. CHAPTER IX THE DARK HORSE Full many a mare with coat of milkiest sheen, Is dyed in dark unfathomed coal mines drab ; Full many a flyer's born to blush unseen, And waste her swiftness on a hansom cab. Lines to order by a young English friend, who swears they are original. But I regard them as an unconscious plagiarism fro^n Poet Youngs ^^ Eulogy of a Country Cemetery." H, B.J. It is a gain, a precious, let me gain 1 let me gain ! Oh, Potentate ! Oh, Potentate 1 The shower of thine secret shoe-dust Oh, Potentate ! Oh, Potentate ! Dr. Ram Kinoo Dutt {of Chiitagottg). WE left Mr Bhosh in full pursuit of the runaway horse and milk-chariot which he had so spiritedly purchased while still en route. After running a mile or two, he was unspeakably rejoiced to find that the equipage had automatically come to a stand- «3 64 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL still and was still in prime condition — with the exception of the lacteal fluid, which had made its escape from the pails. Bindabun, however, was not disposed to weep for long over spilt milk, and had the excessive magnanimity to restore the chariot and pails to the dairy merchant, who was beside himself with gratitude. Then, Mr Bhosh, with a joyful heart, having detached his purchase from the shafts, conducted it in triumph to his domicile. It turned out to be a mare, white as snow and of marvellous amiability ; and, partly because of her origin, and partly from her complexion, he christened her by the appellation of Milky Way. Although perforce a complete ignoramus in the art of educating a horse to win any equine contest, Mr Bhosh's nude common- sense told him that the first step was to fatten his rather too filamentous pupil with corn and similar seeds, and after a prolonged course of beanfeasts he had the gratification THE DARK HORSE G5 to behold his mare filling out as plump as a dumpling. As he desired her to remain the dark horse as long as possible, he concealed her in a small toolshed at the end of the garden, ministering to her wants with his own hands, and conducting her for daily nocturnal con- stitutionals several times round the central grass-patch. For some time he refrained from mounting — "fain would he climb but that he feared to fall," as Poet Bunyan once scratched with a diamond on Queen Anne's window ; but at length, reflecting that if nothing ventures nothing is certain to win, he purchased a padded saddle with appendages, and sur- mounted Milky Way, who, far from regard- ing him as an interloper, appeared gratified by his arrival, and did her utmost to make him feel thoroughly at home. The next step was, of course, to obtain permission from the pundits who rule the roast of the Jockey Club, that Milky Way 6 66 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL might be allowed to compete in the approach- ing Derby. Now this was a more delicately ticklish matter than might be supposed, owing to the circumstance that the said pundits are such warm men, and so well endowed with this world's riches that they are practically non- corruptible. Fortunately, Mr Bhosh, as a dabster in English composition, was a pastmaster in drawing a petition, and, sitting down, he constructed the following : — To Those Most Worshipful Bigheads in CONTROL OF JoCKEYS ClUB. Benign Personages ! This Petition humbly sheweth : (i.) That your Petitioner is a native Indian Cambridge B.A., a Barrister-at-law, and a most loyal and devoted subject of Her Majesty the Queen-Empress. (2.) That it is of excessive importance to THE DARK HORSE (j7 him, for private reasons, that he should win a Derby Race. (3.) That such a famous victory would be eminently popular with all classes of Indian natives, and inordinately in- crease their affection for British rule. (4.) That for some time past your Petitioner has been diligently training a quad- ruped which he fondly hopes may gain a victory. (5.) That said quadruped is a member of the fair sex. (6.) That she is a female horse of very docile disposition, but, being only recently extracted from shafts of dairy chariot, is a total neophyte in Derby racing. (7.) That your lordships may direct that she is to be kindly permitted to try her luck in this world-famous com- petition. (8.) That it would greatly encourage her to exhibit topmost speed if she could 68 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL be allowed to start running a few minutes previously to older stagers. (9.) That if this is unfortunately contrary to regulations, then the Judge should receive secret instructions to look with a favourable eye upon the said female horse (whose name is Milky Way) and award her first prize, even if by any chance she may not prove quite so fast a runner as more pro- fessional hacks : And your Petitioner will ever pray on bended knees that so truly mag- nificent an institution as the Epsom Derby Course may never be sup- pressed on grounds of encouraging national vice of gambling and so forth. Signed, &c. The wording of the above proved Mr Bhosh's profound acquaintance with the human heart, for it instantaneously attained the desired end. The Honble Stewards returned a very kind THE DARK HOUSE 69 answer, readily consenting to receive Milky Way as a candidate for Derby honours, but regretting that it was ultra vires to concede her a few minutes' start, and intimating that she must start with a scratch in company with all the other horses. Bindabun was not in the least degree cast down or depressed by this refusal of a start, since he had not entertained any sanguine hope that it would be granted, and had only inserted it to make insurance doubly sure, for he was every day more confident that Milky Way was to win, even though obliged to step off with the rank and file. CHAPTER X TRUST HER NOT I SHE IS FOOLING THEE ! As the Sunset flames most fiery when snuffed out by sudden night ; As the Swan reserves its twitter till about to hop the twig ; As the Cobra's head swells biggest just before he does his bite ; So a feminine smiles her sweetest ere she gives her nastiest dig. Satirical Stanza (unpublished) by H. B. J. NOW that our hero had obtained that the name of Milky Way was to be inscribed on the Golden Book of Derby can- didates, his next proceeding was to hire a practical jockey to assume supreme command of her. And this was no simple matter, since prac- tical jockeys are usually hired many weeks beforehand, and demand handsome wages for taking their seats. But at last, after pro- tracted advertisements, Mr Bhosh had the good fortune to pitch upon a perfect trea- 7» TRUST HER NOT 71 sure, whose name was Cadwallader Perkin, and who, for his riding in some race or other, had been awarded a whole year's holiday by the stewards who had observed the para- mountcy of his horsemanship. No sooner had Perkin inspected Milky Way than he was quite in love with his stable companion, and assured his employer that, with more regular out-of-door exercise, she would be easily competent to win the Derby on her head, whereupon Mr Bhosh consented that she should be galloped after dark round the inner circle of Regent's Park, which is chiefly populated at such a time by male and female bicyclists. But in order to pay Perkin's charges, and also provide a silken jockey tunic and cap of his own racing colours (which were cream and sky-blue), Mr Bhosh was compelled to borrow more money from Mr M ^Alpine, who, as a Jewish Scotch, exacted the rather ex- orbitant interest of sixty per centum. It leaked out in some manner that Milky 72 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL Way was a coming Derby favourite, and the property of a Native young Indian sports- man, whose entire fortunes depended on her success, and soon immense multitudes con- gregated in Regent's Park to witness her trials of speed, and cheered enthusiastically to behold the fiery sparks scintillating from the stones as she circumvented the inner circle in seven-leagued boots. Mr Bhosh of course asseverated that she was a very mediocre sort of mare, and that he did not at all expect that she would prove a winner, but connoisseurs nevertheless betted long odds upon her success, and Bindabun himself, though not a speculative, did put on the pot himself upon the golden egg which he was so anxiously hatching. One evening amongst those who were eathered to view the nocturnal exercises of Milky Way there appeared a feminine spec- tator of rather sinister aspect, in a thick veil and a victoria-carriage. It was no other than Duchess Dickinson, TRUST HER NOT 73 who had somehow learnt how courageously Mr Bhosh was endeavouring to fulfil the Astrologer - Royal's prediction, and who had come to ascertain whether his mare was indeed such a paragon of celerity as had been represented. The very first time that Milky Way can- tered past with the gait of a streak of light- ning, the Duchess realised with a sinking heart that Mr Bhosh must indubitably succeed at the Derby — unless he was preve7ited. But how to achieve this ? Her womanly instinct told her that Cadwallader Perkin was far too inexperienced to resist for long such mature and ripened charms as hers — even though the latter were unfortunately dis- counted by the accidental nose-flattening. So, lowering her veil till only her eyes were visible above, she waited till he passed once more, then flung him such a liquid and flashing glance from her starry and now no longer discoloured optics that the young jockey, who was of an excessively susceptible disposition. 74 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL all but fell off the saddle with emotion, like a very juvenile bird under serpentine observation. "He is mine!" said the unscrupulous Duchess internally, laughing up her sleeve at such a proof of her fascinations, " mine ! mine ! " She had too much intelligence and mother- wit, however, to take any steps until Mr Bhosh should be safely out of the way — and how to accomplish his removal ? As an acquaintance with the above-mentioned usurer, M^Alpine, she was aware that he had advanced large loans to Mr Bhosh, and so she laid her plans and bided her time. There soon remained only one day before that carnival of all sporting saturnalians, the Epsom Derby day, and Bindabun formed the prudent resolution to avoid any delays or crushings by putting Milky Way into a railway box, and despatching her to Epsom on the previous afternoon, under the chaperonage of Cadwallader Perkin, who was to engage suit- able lodgings for her in the vicinity of the course. TRUST HER NOT 75 But just as Bindabun was approaching the booking hole of Victoria terminus to take a horse-ticket, lo and behold ! he was rapped on the shoulder by a couple of policemen, who civilly inquired whether his name was not Bhosh. He replied that it was, and that he was the lucky proprietor of a female horse who was infallibly destined to win the Derby, and that he was even now proceeding to purchase her travelling ticket. But the policemen insisted that he must first discharge the full amount of his debt and costs to Mr M^Alpine, who had commenced a law-suit. "It is highly inconvenient to pay now," replied our hero, " I will settle up after receiv- ing my Derby Stakes." "We are infernally sorry," said the con- stables, " but we have instructions to imprison you until the amount is stumped up, and any- thing you say now will be taken down and used against you at your trial." Mr Bhosh remained sotto voce ; and as he 76 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL was being led off with gyves upon his wrists, like Aram the usher, whom should he behold but the Duchess of Dickinson ! Like all truly first-class heroes, he was of a generous, confiding nature, and his head was not for a moment entered by the suspicion that the Duchess could still cherish any illfeelings towards him. " I am sincerely sorry," he said with good-humoured gallantry, "to observe that your ladyship's nose-leather is still in such bad repair. I was riding a rather muscular steed that afternoon, and could not thoroughly control my movements. She suavely responded that she was proud to have been the means of breaking his fall. "Not only my fall — but your own nose ! " retorted Mr Bhosh sympathetically. "A sad pity ! Fortunately, at your time of life such disfigurements are of no consequence. I, myself, am now in the pretty pickle." And he explained how he had been arrested for debt, at the very moment when he had an TRUST HER NOT 77 appointment to meet his mare and jockey and see them safely off by the Epsom train. " Do not trouble about that," said the Duchess. "Hand me your purse, and I myself will meet them and do the needful on your behalf. I have interest with this Mr M^Alpine and will intercede that you are let out immediately." Mr Bhosh kissed her hand as he handed over his said purse. " This is, indeed, a noble return for my coldheartedness," he said, "and I am even more sorry than before that I should have involuntarily dilapidated so ex- quisite a nose." " Pray do not mention it," replied the Duchess, with the baleful simper of a Sphynx, and Mr Bhosh departed for his durance vile with a mind totally free from misgivings. CHAPTER XI STONE WALLS DO NOT MAKE A CAGE Oh, give me back my Arab steed, I cannot ride alone ! Or tell me where my Beautiful, my four-legged bird has flown. 'Twas here she arched her glossy back, beside the fountain's brink, And after that I know no more — but I came off, I think. More so-called original lines by aforesaid young English friend. But I have the shrewd suspicion of having read them before somewhere. — H. B. J. AND now, O gentle and sympathetic reader, behold our unfortunate hero confined in the darkest bowels of the Old Bailey Dungeon, for the mere crime of being an impecunious ! Yes, misters, in spite of all your boasted love of liberty and fresh air, imprisonment for debt is still part of the law of the land ! How long will you deafen your ears to the pitiable cry of the bankrupt as he pleads for the order of his 78 STONE WALLS 79 discharge ? Perhaps it has been reserved for a native Indian novelist to jog the elbow of so-called British jurisprudence, and call its attention to such a shocking scandal. Mr Bhosh found his prison most devilishly dull. Some prisoners have been known to beguile their captivity by making pets or playmates out of most unpromising materials. For instance, and exempli gratia, Mr Monty Christo met an abbey in his dungeon, who gave him a tip-top education ; Mr Picciola watered a flower ; the Prisoner of Chillon made chums of his chains ; while Honble Bruce, as is well-known, succeeded in taming a spider to climb up a thread and fall down seven times in succession. But Mr Bhosh had no spider to amuse him, and the only flowers growing in his dungeon were toadstools, which do not require to be watered, nor did there happen to be any abbey confined in the Old Bailey at the time. Nevertheless, he was preserved from despair by his indomitable native chirpiness. For 80 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL was not Milky Way a dead set for the Derby, and when she came out at the top of the pole, would he not be the gainer of sufficient untold gold to pay all his debts, besides winning the hand of Princess Petunia ? He was waited upon by the head gaoler's daughter, a damsel of considerable pulchritude by the name of Caroline, who at first regarded him askance as a malefactor. But, on learning from her parent that his sole offence was insuperable pennilessness, her tender heart was softened with pity to behold such a young gentlemanly Indian captive clanking in bilboes, and soon they became thick as thieves. Like all the inhabitants of Great Britain, her thoughts were entirely engrossed with the approaching Derby Race, and she very inno- cently narrated how it was matter of common knowledge that a notorious grandame, to wit the fashionable Duchess of Dickinson, had backed heavily that Milky Way was to fail like the flash of a pan. STONE WALLS 81 Whereupon Mr Bhosh, recollecting that he had actually entrusted his invaluable mare with her concomitant jockey to the mercy of this self- same Duchess, was harrowed with sudden misgivings. By shrewd cross-questions he soon elimi- nated that Mr M*^Alpine was a pal of the Duchess, which she had herself admitted at the Victoria terminus, and thus by dint of pene- trating instinct, Mr Bhosh easily unravelled the tangled labyrinth of a hideous conspiracy, which caused him to beat his head vehemently against the walls of his cell at the thought of his utter impotentiality. Like all feminines who were privileged to make his acquaintance, Miss Caroline was transfixed with passionate adoration for Binda- bun, whom she regarded as a gallant and illused innocent, and resolved to assist him to cut his lucky. To this end she furnished him with a file and a silken ladder of her own knitting- — but o unfortunately Mr Bhosh, having never before 7 82 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL undergone incarceration, was a total neophyte in effecting his escape by such dangerous and antiquated procedures, which he firmly de- clined to employ, urging her to sneak the paternal keybunch and let him out at daybreak by some back entrance. And, not to crack the wind of this poor story while rendering it as short as possible, she yielded to his entreaties and contrived to restore him to the priceless boon of liberty the next morning at about 5 a.m. Oh, the unparalleled raptures of finding himself once more free as a bird ! It was the dawn of the Derby Day, and Mr Bhosh precipitated himself to his dwelling, intending to array himself in all his best and go down to Epsom, where he was in hopes of encountering his horse. Heyday 1 What was his chagrin to see his jockey, Cadwallader Perkin, approach with streaming eyes, fling himself at his master's feet and implore him to be merciful ! " How comes it, Cadwallader," sternly in- STONE WALLS 83 quired Mr Bhosh, ''that you are not on the heath of Epsom instead of wallowing like this on my shoes ? " *' I do not know," was the whimpered re- sponse. "Then pray where is my Derby favourite, Milky Way V demanded Bindabun. " I cannot tell," wailed out the lachrymose juvenile. Then, after prolonged pressure, he confessed that the Duchess had met him at the station portals, and, on the plea that there was abundance of spare time to book the mare, easily persuaded him to accompany her to the buffet of Refreshment-room. There she plied him with a stimulant which jockeys are proverbially unable to resist, viz., brandy- cherries, in such profusion that he promptly became catalyptic in a corner. When he returned to sobriety neither the Duchess nor the mare was perceptible to his naked eye, and he had been searching in vain for them ever since. It was the time not for words, but deeds, 84 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL and Mr Bhosh did not indulge in futile irascibility, but sat down and composed a reply wire to the Clerk of Course, Epsom, couched in these simple words : " Have you seen my Derby mare? — Bhosh." After the suspense of an hour the reply came in the discouraging form of an abrupt negative, upon which Mr Bhosh thus addressed the abashed Perkin : " Even should I recapture my mare in time, you have proved yourself un- worthy of riding her. Strip off your racing coat and cap, and I will engage some more reliable equestrian." The lad handed over the toggery, which Bindabun stuffed, being of very fine silken tissue, into his coat pocket, after which he hurried off to Victoria in great agitation to make inquiries. There the officials treated his modest re- quests in very off-handed style, and he was becoming all of a twitter with anxiety and humiliation, when, mirabile dictu! all of a sudden his ears were regaled by the well- STONE WALLS 85 known sound of a whinny, and he recognised the beloved voice of Milky Way! But whence did it proceed ? He ran to and fro in uncontrollable excitement, endeavouring to locate the sound. There was no trace of a horse in any of the waiting-rooms, but at length he discovered that his mare had been locked up in the Left- Luggage department, and, summoning a porter, Mr Bhosh had at last the indescribable felicity to embrace his kidnapped Derby favourite Milky Way ! CHAPTER XII A RACE AGAINST TIME There's a certain old Sprinter ; you've got to be keen, If you'd beat him — although he is bald, And he carries a clock and a mowing-machine. On the cinderpath " Tempus " he's called. Stanza written to order by young English friend, but {I fear) copied from Poet Tennyson. AH ! with what perfervid affection did Mr Bhosh caress the neck of his precious horse! How carefully he searched her to make sure that she had sustained no internal poisonings or other dilapidations ! Thank goodness! He was unable to detect any flaw within or without — the probability being that the crafty Duchess did not dare to commit such a breach of decorum as to poison a Derby favourite, and thought to accomplish her fell design by leaving the mare as lost luggage and destroying the ticket-receipt. 86 A RACE AGAINST TIME 87 But old Time had already lifted the glass to his lips, and the contents were rapidly running down, so Mr Bhosh, approaching a railway director, politely requested him to hook a horse-box on to the next Epsom train. What was his surprise to hear that this could not be done until all Derby trains had first absented themselves ! With passionate volu- bility he pleaded that, if such a law of Medes and Persians was to be insisted on, Milky Way would infallibly arrive at Epsom several hours too late to compete in the Derby race, in which she was already morally victorious — until at length the official relented, and agreed to do the job for valuable consideration in hard cash. Lackadaisy ! after excavating all his pockets, our unhappy hero could only fork out where- withal enough for third-class single ticket for himself, and he accordingly petitioned that his mare might travel as baggage in the guard's van. I am not to say whether the officials at this leading terminus were all in the pay of the Duchess, since I am naturally reluctant to 88 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL advance so serious a charge against such industrious and talented parties, but it is nem. con. that Mr Bhosh's very reasonable request was nilled in highly offensive cut-and-dried fashion, and he was curtly recommended to walk himself and his horse off the platform. Que faire f How was it humanly possible for any horse to win the Derby race without putting in an appearance ? And how was Milky Way to put in her appearance if she was not allowed access to any Epsom train? A less wilful and persevering individual than Mr Bhosh would have certainly succumbed under so much red-tapery, but it only served to arouse Bindabun's monkey. "How far is the distance to Epsom?" he inquired. •'Fourteen miles," he was answered. " And what o'clock the Derby race?" " About one p.m." " And it is now just the middle of the day ! " exclaimed Bindabun. " Very well, since it seems Milky Way is not to ride in the railway, AUTHORS NOTE ON ILLUSTRATION No. VIL I EARNESTLY implore my benevolent publishers to sup- press at all events tJiis illustration — as much for the sake of Mr Birnadhur Pahtridhji (who, if it appears, will be the jesting-stock of every cultivated young Indian with any acquaintance at all with English life) as on my own poor account. I ask anyone endowed with common sense — could \\'\^xt be a more preposterously grotesque misrepresentation than this of such a well-known scene as the annual pilgrimage to the Derby Race.'' It is true that I wrote "every description of convey- ance" — but how was I, being " Davus non CEdipus," to anticipate that Mr Pahtridhji would interpret the phrase as including such nondescript vehicles as a hansom cab propelled by a bullock, and a kind oi palkcc borne by two members of the flunkey caste? He further displays his colossal ignorance by the introduction of a snake charmer — a character who, even assuming that he ever made his debut on a London roadway, would be speedily run in, with all his serpents, for obstructing traffic. Moreover, where is his authority for representing an adjutant bird as an ordinary London fowl? Time and patience fail me to indicate the countless and howling croppers which Mr Pahtridhji has achieved in the space of this single picture. But I say once more : unless it is possible to provide a novel of this calibre with congenial and appropriate drawings by an artist who is acquainted with what is what, it is infinitely preferable to dispense with illustra- tions altogether than to disfigure such a work with mediocre and puerile pictures 1 H. B. J. A RACE AGAINST TIME 89 she shall cover the distance on shank's mare, for I will ride her to Epsom in proprid persona ! " So courageous a determination elicited loud cheers from the bystanders, who cordially advised him to put his best legs foremost as he mounted his mettlesome crack, and set off with broken-necked speed for Epsom. I must request my indulgent readers to excuse this humble pen from depicting the horrors of that wild and desperate ride. Suffice it to say that the road was chocked full with every description of conveyance, and that Mr Bhosh was haunted by two terrible apprehen- sions, viz., that he might meet with some shocking upset, and that he should arrive the day after the fair. As he urged on his headlong career, he was constantly inquiring of the occupants of the various vehicles if he was still in time for the Derby, and they invariably hallooed to him that if he desired to witness the spectacle he was to buck himself up. 90 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL Mr Bhosh bucked himself up to such good purpose that, long before the clock struck one, his eyes were gladdened by beholding the summit of Epsom grand stand on the distant hill-tops. Leaning himself forward, he whispered in the shell-like ear of Milky Way : " Only one more effort, and we shall have preserved both our bacons ! " But, alas ! he had the mortification to per- ceive that the legs of Milky Way were already becoming tremulous from incipient grogginess. • « « * « And now, beloved reader, let me respectfully beg you to imagine yourself on the Epsom Derby Course immediately prior to the grand event. What a marvellous human farraeo ! All classes hobnobbing together higgledy- piggledy ; archbishops with acrobats ; benchers with bumpkins ; counts with candlestickmakers ; dukes with druggists ; and so on through the entire alphabet. Some spectators in carriages ; A RACE AGAINST TIME 91 others on terra firma ; flags flying ; bands blowing ; innumerable refreshment tents rear- ing their heads proudly into the blue Empyrean ; policemen gazing with smiling countenances on the happy multitudes when not engaged in running them in. Now they are conducting the formality of weighing the horses, to see if they are quali- fied as competitors for the Derby Gold Cup, and each horse, as it steps out of the balancing scales and is declared eligible, commences to prance jubilantly upon the emerald green turf. {N.B. — The writer of above realistic descrip- tion has never been actually present at any Derby Race, but has done it all entirely from assiduous cramming of sporting fictions. This is surely deserving of recognition from a generous public !) Now follows a period of dismay — for Milky Way, the favourite of high and low, is suddenly discovered to be still the dark horse ! The only person who exhibits gratification is the Duchess Dickinson, who makes her entrance 92 A BAYAUD FROM BENGAL into the most fashionable betting ring and, accosting a leading welsher, cries in exulting accents : " I will bet a million to a monkey against Milky Way\" Even the welsher himself is appalled by the enormity of such a stake and earnestly counsels the Duchess to substitute a more economical wager, but she scornfully rejects his well-meant advice, and with a trembling hand he inscribes the bet in his welching book. No sooner has he done so than the saddling bell breaks forth into a joyous chime, and the crowd is convulsed by indescribable emotions. "Huzza! huzza!" they shout. "Welcome to the missing favourite, and three cheers for Milky Way \ " The Duchess had turned as pale as a witch, for, galloping along the course, she beholds Mr Bhosh, bereft of his tall hat and covered with perspiration and dust, on the very steed which she fondly hoped had been mislaid among the left luggage ! CHAPTER XIII A SENSATIONAL DERBY STRUGGLE Is it for sordid pelf that horses race? Or can it be the glory that they go for ? Neither ; they know the steed that shows best pace Will get his flogging all the sooner over ! Reflection at a Racecourse. — H. B.J. THE Duchess, seeing that her plot was foiled by the unexpected arrival of Mr Bhosh, made the frantic endeavour to hedgfe herself behind another bet of a million sterling to a monkey that Milky Way was to come off conqueror — but in vain, since none of the welshers would concede such very long odds. So, wrapping her features in a veil of feminine duplicity, she advanced swimmingly to meet Mr Bhosh. " How lucky that you have arrived on the neck of time ! " she said. 93 94 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL *' And you have ridden all the way from town ? Tell me now, would not you and your dear horse like some refreshment after so tedious a journey ? " " Madam," said Mr Bhosh, bowing to his saddle-bow, while his optics remained fixed upon the Duchess with a withering glare. "We are not taking any — from your hands." This crushing sarcasm totally abashed the Duchess, who perceived that he had penetrated her schemes and crept away in discomfiture. After this incident Milky Way was subjected to the ordeal of trying her weight, which she passed with honours. For — very fortunately as it turned out — the twenty-four hours' starva- tion which she had endured as left luggage had reduced her to the prescribed number of ■ maunds, which she would otherwise have in- fallibly exceeded, since Mr Bhosh, being as yet a tyro in training Derby cracks, had allowed her to acquire a superfluous obesity. Thus once more the machinations of the A DERBY STRUGGLE 95 Duchess had only benefited the very indi- vidual they were intended to injure! But it remained necessary to hire a practical jockey, since Cadwallader Perkin was still lamenting in dust and ashes at home, so Mr Bhosh ran about from pillow to post en- deavouring to borrow a rider for Milky Way. Owing, probably, to the Duchess's artifices, he encountered nothing but refusals and pleas of previous engagement — until, at the end of the tether of his patience, he said : " Since my mare cannot compete in a riderless condition, I myself will assume command and steer her to victory ! " Upon which gallant speech the entire air became darkened by clouds of upthrown hats and shouts of '' Bravo, Bindabun ! " But upon this the pertinacious Duchess lodged the objection that he was not in correct toggery, and that, even if he still retained his tall hat, it would be contrary to etiquette to ride the Derby in a frock coat. 96 A BAYAKD FROM BENGAL "Where are his racing colours?" she de- manded. " Here /" cn^A Mr Bhosh, pulling forth the cream and sky-blue silken jacket and cap from his pockets, and, discarding his frock coat, he assumed the garbage of a jockey in the twinkle of a jiffy. ** I protest," then cried the undaunted Duchess, " against such cruelty to animals as racing an overblown mare so soon after she has galloped from London ! " " Your stricture is just, O humane and dis- tinguished lady," responded the judge, who had conceived a violent attachment to Milky Way and her owner, "and I will willingly postpone the race for an hour or two until the horse has recovered her breeze." " Quite unnecessary ! " said Bindabun. "My mare is not such a weakling as you imagine, and will be as fit as a flea after she has imbibed one or two champagne bottles." And his prediction was literally fulfilled, A DERBY STRUGGLE 97 for the champagne soon rendered Milky Way playful as a kitten. Mr Bhosh ascended into his saddle ; the other horses were drawn up in single rank ; the starter brandished his flag — and the curtain rose on such a race as has, perhaps, never been equalled in the annals of the Derby. The rival cracks were named as follows: — Topsy Turvey, Poojah^ Brandy Pawnee^ Tiffin Bell^ Tripod, Cut Bono, British Juris- prudence and Roseate Smell. The betting was even on the field. Poojah was a large tall horse with a nude tail, but excessively nimble ; Tripod, on the contrary, was a small cob of sluggish habits and needing to be constantly pricked ; Tiffin Bell was a piebald of goodly proportions ; and Roseate Smell was of same sex as Milky Way, though more vixenish in character. Not long after the start Mr Bhosh was chagrined to discover that he was all behind- hand, and he almost despaired of overtaking 8 98 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL any of his fore-runners. Moreover, he was already oppressed by painful soreness, due to so constantly coming in contact with the saddle during his ride from London — but " in for a penny, in for a pound of flesh," and he plodded on, and soon had the good luck to recapture some of his lost ground. It was the old fabulous anecdote of the Hare and the Tortoise. First of all, Topsy Turvey was tripped up by a rabbit's hole ; then Roseate Smell leaped the barrier and joined the spectators, while Tripod sprained his offside ankle. Gradually Mr Bhosh passed Brandy Pawnee, Cut Bono, and British Jurisprudence^ until, on arriving at Tottenham Court Corner, only Tiffui Bell and Poojah remained in the running. Tiffin Bell became so discouraged by the near approach of Milky Way that he dwindled his pace to a paltry trot, so Mr Bhosh was easily enabled to defeat him, after which by Cyclopean efforts he urged his mare until she and Poojah were cheek by jowl. A DERBY STRUGGLE 99 For some time it was the dingdong race between a hammer and tongs ! Still, as the quadrupeds ploughed their way on, Poojah churlishly refused to give place aux dames, and Milky Way began to drop to the rear. Seeing that she was utterly incompetent to accelerate her speed and therefore in imminent danger of being defeated, Chunder Bindabun had the happy inspiration to make an appeal to the best feelings of the rival jockey, whose name was Juggins. "Juggins!" he wheezed in an agonised whisper, " I am a poor native Indian, totally unpractised in Derby riding. Show me some magnanimous action, and allow Milky Way to take first prize, Juggins!" But Mr Juggins responded that he earnestly desired that Poojah should obtain said prize, and applied a rather severe whipsmack to his willing horse. *' My mare is the favourite. Juggins ! " pleaded Mr Bhosh. " By defeating her you 100 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL will land yourself in the bad odour of the oi polloi. Have you considered that, Juggins?" Juggins's only reply was to administer more whip-smacks, but Chunder Bindabun persevered. " Consider my hard case, Juggins ! If I am beaten, I lose both a placens uxor and the pot of money. If, on the other hand, I come in first at the head of the winning pole I promise to share my entire fortune with you ! " Upon this, the kind-hearted and venial equestrian relented, warmly protesting that he would rather be a proxime accessit and second fiddle than deprive another human being of all his earthly felicity, and accord- ingly he reined in his impetuous courser with such consummate skill that Milky Way forged ahead by the length of a nose. Thus they galloped past the Grand Stand, and, as Mr Bhosh gazed upwards and descried the elegant form of the Princess Petunia standing upon the topmost roof, he was so exalted with jubilation that he A DERBY STRUGGLE 101 elevated himself in his stirrups ; and waving his cap in a chivalrous salute, cried out : "Hip-hip-hip! I am ramping in!" " Then," I hear the reader exclaim, ** it is all over, and Milky Way is victorious." Please, my honble friend, do not be so pre- mature ! I have not said that the race was over. There are still some yards to the judge's bench, and it is always on the racing cards that Poojah may prove the winner after all. Such inquisitive curiosity shall be duly satisfied in the next chapter, which is also the last. CHAPTER XIV A GRAND FINISH Happy Aurora is a happy Aurora ! Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip, Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Dr Rclm Kinoo Dutt (of Chittagonq). ON the summit of the Grand Stand might have been observed groups of specta- tors eagerly awaiting the finish. Conspicuous amongst them were Princess Petunia (most sumptuously attired) and her parent, Mer- chant-prince Jones ; and close by Duke and Duchess Dickinson, following the classic con- test through binocular glasses. Poojah will prove to be the wiimer ! . . . No, it is Milky Way! . . . They are neck or nothing ! It will be a deceased heat ! " exclaimed the excited populaces. And the beauteous Petunia was as if seated A GRAND FINISH 103 upon the spike of suspense, since Mr Bhosh's success was a siiie qua non to their union. Suddenly came the glad shout : " The Favourite takes the cake with a canter ! " and Duchess Dickinson became pallid with anguish, for, rich as she was, she could ill afford to become the loser of a cool million. The shout was strictly veracious, for Mr Bhosh was ruling the roast by half-a-head, and Poojah was correspondingly behind. *' Made virtute ! " cried Princess Petunia, in the silvery tones of a highly-bred bell, while she violently agitated her sun-umbrella : " O my beloved Bindabun, do not fall behind at eleven o'clock ! " And, as though in answer to this appeal (which he did not overhear), she beheld her triumphant suitor saluting the empress of his soul with uplifted jockey-cap. Alack ! it was the fatal piece of politeness ; since, to avoid falling off, he was compelled to moderate the speed of his racer while performing it, and Juggins, either repenting 104 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL his good-nature, or unable any longer to re- strain the impetuosity of Poojah^ was carried first past the winning-pole, Mr Bhosh follow- ing on Milky Way as the bad second ! At this the Princess Petunia emitted a doleful scream ; like Freedom, which, as some poet informs us, " squeaked when Kockiusko (a Japanese gentleman) fell," and suspended her animation for several minutes, while the Duchess "grinned a horrible ghastly smile," as described by Poet Milton in Paradise Lost, at Mr Bhosh's shocking defeat and her own gain of a million, though all true sportsmen present deeply sympathised with our hero that he should be thus wrecked in sight of port on account of an ordinary act of courtesy to a female ! But Mr Bhosh preserved his withers as unwrung as though he possessed the hide of a rhinoceros. " Honble Sir," said he, ad- dressing the Judge, "I humbly beg permis- sion to claim this Derby race and lodge an objection against my antagonist." A GRAND FINISH 105 ** On what grounds ? " was the naturally astonished rejoinder. " On the grounds," deliberately replied Chunder Bindabun, " that he surreptitiously did pull his horse's head." Juggins was too dumbfoundered to reply to the accusation, and several spectators came forward to testify that they had personally witnessed him curbing his steed, and — it being contrary to the lex non scripta of turf etiquette to pull at a horse's head when he is winning — Juggins was very ignominiously plucked by the Jockey's Club. The Duchess made the desperate attempt to argue that, if Juggins was a pot, Mr Bhosh was a kettle of equally dark complexion, since he also had reined up before attaining the goal — but Chunder Bindabun was able easily to show that he had done so, not with any intention to forfeit his stakes, but merely to salute his betrothed, whereas Juggins had pulled to pre- vent his horse from achieving the conquest. So, to Mr Bhosh's inexpressible delight, 106 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL the Derby Cup, full as an egg with golden sovereigns, was awarded to him, and the notorious blue ribbon was pinned by the judge upon his proud and heaving bosom. But, as he was reverting, highly elated, to the side of his beloved amidst the acclamations of the multitude, the disreputable Juggins had the audacity to pluck his elbow and demand the promised ^uid pro quo. "For what service?" inquired Chunder Bindabun in amazement. "Why, did you not promise me the moiety of your fortune, honble Sir," was the reply, ** if I allowed you to be the winner ? " Mr Bhosh was of an exceptionally mild, just disposition, but such a piece of cheeky chicanery as this aroused his fiercest indigna- tion and rendered him cross as two sticks. " O contemptible trickster ! " he said, in terrific tones, "my promise (as thou knowest well) was on condition that I was first past the winning-pole. Whereas — owing to thy per- fidy — I was only the bad second. Do not Tllli KOTORIOLS BLUE KIBHON WAS PINNED BY THE JUDGE UPON HIS PROUD AND HEAVING BOSOM. AUTHOR'S NOTE OX ILLUSTRATION Xo. VIII. After having been compelled to pluck so many crows with Mr Pahtridhji, I would gladly (if I could) commend his final attempt without reserve. And I cheerfully allow that he has rather cleverly succeeded in delineating both the modest elation of Mr Bhosh and the paternal benevolence on the judicial physiognomy. But heigho ! summit ainari aliqitid — and Mr Pahtridhji, of course, was fated to insert the cloven hoof of inaccuracy into some portion of what might otherwise have been a passably correct presentment of a very simple episode ! Surely, surely even a native artist might have known that the judge who decides such an open air affair as the Derby race does not assume his wig and gown for the purpose, nor is he, necessarily, even a member of the legal profession ! Moreover, if such a judge indulges in tobacco in any form (as to which I express no opinion), then indubitably he would not employ a pipe of a pattern which only an Oriental could puff without experiencing severe internal disturbances. I am confoundedly sorry now that I did not take the pre- caution of supplying my illustrator with a few photographs of ordinary English characters, as I actually proposed to do, only unfortunately my aforesaid young English friend earnestly assured me that Mr P. would be as right as rain, provided that I left him a free hand. And these are the free-hand drawings which have resulted ! All I can say is, that if my Publishers persist in includ- ing' them in the volume, they must be prepared to take the consequences. .Should this novel fail to secure the brilliant ovation which I anticipate for it, don't blame me, Misters ! H. B. J. A GRAND FINISH 107 attempt to hunt with the hare and run with hounds. Depart to lower regions ! " And Juggins sHnked into obscurity with fallen chops. Benevolent and forbearing readers, this un- assuming tale is near its finis. Owing to his brilliant success at the Derby, Mr Bhosh was now rolling on cash, and, as the prediction of the Astrologer- Royal was fulfilled, there was no longer any objection to his union with the Princess Jones, with whom he accordingly contracted holy matrimony, and now lives in great splendour at Shepherd's Bush, since all his friends earnestly besought him that he was not to return to India. He therefore naturalised himself as a full-blooded British, and further adopted a coat-of-arms from the Family Herald, with a splendidly lofty crest, and the motto ''Sans Peur et Sans Reprochey ("Not being funky myself, I do not reproach others with said failing" — -free translatiofi.) But what of the wicked Duchess ? I have to record that, being unable to pay the welsher 108 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL her bet of a million pounds, she was solemnly pronounced a bankruptess and incarcerated (by a striking instance of the tit-for-tat of Fate) in the identical Old Bailey cell to which she had consigned Chunder Bindabun ! And in her case the gaoler's fair daughter, Miss Caroline, did not exhibit the same softheartedness. Mr Bhosh and his Princess- bride, being both of highly magnanimous idiosyncrasies, for some time visited their relentless foe in her captivity, carrying her fruit and flowers and sweets of inexpensive qualities, but were received in such a cold, standoffish style that they soon discontinued such thankless civilities. As for Milky Way, she is still hale and flourishing, though she has never since dis- played the phenomenal speed of her first (and probably her last) Derby race. She may often be seen in the vicinity of Shepherd's Bush, harnessed to a small basketchaise, in which are Mr and Mrs Bhosh and some of their blooming progenies. A GRAND FINISH 109 Here, with the PubHc's kind permission, we will leave them, and although this trivial and unpretentious romance can claim no merit except its undeviating fidelity to nature, I still venture to think that, for sheer excite- ment and brilliancy of composition, &c., it will be found, by all candid judges, to compare rather favourably with more showy and mere- tricious fictions by overrated English novelists. End OF A Bayard from Bengal. N.B. — / cannot conscientiously recommend the Indulgent Reader to proceed any further— for reasons which, should he do so, "will be obvious. H. B. J. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH FREELY RENDERED INTO ENGLISH FROM THE ORIGINAL STYPTIC WITH INTRODUCTION AND NOTES BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A. INTRODUCTION I SHALL begin by begging that it may not be supposed either that / am the Author or even the Translator of the appended fables ! The plain truth of the matter is that I am far indeed from standing agog with amazement at their literary or other excellences, and inclined rather to award them the faint damna- tion of a very mediocre eulogy. But it so happens that the actual translator is the same young English friend who kindly furnished me with a few selected poetic extracts for my Society novel, and has earnestly en- treated me (as the quid pro quo ! ) to compose •in introduction and notes for his own effusion, 112 THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH alleging that it is a sine qua non nowadays for all first class Classics to be issued with intro- duction, notes and appendix by some literary knob — otherwise they speedily become obsolete and still-born. Therefore I readily consented to oblige him, although I am no au fait in the Styptic dialect, and cannot therefore be held answerable for the accuracy of my friend's translation, which he admits himself is of a rather free description. Of the Philosopher who composed these Proverbs or Fables little is known, even in his own country, except that (as all Scholiasts are aware) he was born on the ist of April 1450 (old style), and for some years filled the im- portant and responsible post of Archi-mandrake of Paraprosdokian. He probably met with a violent end. I shall not undertake to provide a note to every parable, but only in cases where I think that the Parabolist is not quite as luminous as the nose on one's face, and needs the services of an experienced interpreter. H. B. J. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 113 The Butterfly visited so many flowers that she fell sick of a surfeit of nectar. She called it " Nervous Breakdown." *' Instead of vainly lamenting over those we have lost," said the young Cuckoo severely, to the Father and Mother Sparrow, " it seems to me that you should be rejoicing that / am still spared to you ! " Note. — A mere plagiaristic adaptation of the trite adage concerning the comparative values of birds in the hand and in the bush. — H. B. J. " I am old enough to be thy Grandfather ! " the Egg informed the Chicken. "In that case," replied the Chicken, "it is high time thou bestirredst thyself! " " Not so ! " said the Egg, " since the longer I remain quiescent, the fitter I shall be for the career that is destined for me." 9 114 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL "Indeed," inquired the Chicken, "and what may that be ? " ^^ Politics!'' answered the Egro- with im- portance. And the Chicken pondered long over that saying. Note. — I must confess to following the Chicken's precedent, without arriving at any solution. For, logically, an Egg must be the junior of any Chicken. And again, even for parabolical purposes, it is far- fetched to represent an Egg as a potential Member of Parliament. On the whole, I am not entirely satisfied that my young friend is so proficient in acquaintance with Cryptic as he has represented to me.— H. B. J. There is only one thing that irritateth a woman more than the man who doth not understand her, and that is the man who doth. A certain Artificer constructed a mechanical Serpent which was so marvellously natural that it bit him in the back. " Had I but another hour to live," he lamented in his last agonies, " I would have patented the invention I " THE PARABLES OF PILJOSII 115 The Woman was so determined to be inde- pendent of Man that she voluntarily became the slave of a Machine. Note. — I do not understand the meaning of the Fabulist here. — H. B. J. ** She used to be so fresh ; but she is gone off terribly since I first knew her!" said the Slug of the Strawberry. Note. — See my remark on the last parable. — H. B. J. " Now, I call that downright Plagiarism ! " observed the Ass, when he heard the Lion roar. " A cheery laugh goes a long way in this world ! " remarked the Hyena. " But a bright smile goes further still ! " said the Alligator, as he took him in. Note. — If the honble Philosopher is censuring here merely the assumption of hilarity and not ordinary quiet facetiousness, I am entirely with 116 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL him. But I rather regard him as a total deficient in Humour and fanatically opposed to it in any form.— H. B. J. •* I trust I have now made myself perfectly clear ? " observed the Cuttlefish, after discharg- ing his ink. The Cockney was assured that, if he placed the Sea-shell to his ear, he would hear the murmur of Ocean. But all he caught distinctly was the melody of negro minstrels. " It is some satisfaction to feel that we have both been sacrificed in a thoroughly deserving cause ! " said the Brace-button, complacently, to the Threepenny Bit, as they met in the Offertory Bag. Note. — This must be some local allusion, for I do not know what sort of receptacle an Offertory Bag may be, or why such articles should be inserted therein.— H. B. J. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 117 Mistrust the Bridegroom who appeareth at his wedding with sticking-plaster on his chin [or " without sticking-plaster," &c. — the Styptic is capable of either interpretation. — Trans?\^. Note. — Then I will humbly say that it must be a peculiarly elastic tongue. But in eWier form the Proverb is meaningless. — H. B. J. "What! — My Original dead?" cried the Statue. " Then I have lost all chance of ever becoming celebrated ! " Note. — This is an obvious mistranslation, since a Statue is only erected when the Original is already celebrated.— H. B. J. " What is your favourite Perfume ? " they asked the Hog, and he answered them, " Pig- wash." " How vulgar ! " exclaimed the Stoat. ** Mine is Patchouli ! " But the Fox said that, in his opinion, the less scent one used the better. Note. — This merely records the well-known physiological fact that some persons are born with' 118 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL out the olfactory sense. Emperor Vespasian was accustomed to declare (erroneously) that " pecunia non olet."— H. B. J. " I wonder they allow such a cruel contriv- ance as that * Catch 'em alive, oh ! ' paper ! " said the Spider tearfully, as she sat in her web. Note. — From this we learn that there may be a soft spot in the most unpromising quarters. Even Alexander the Great, who spent the blood of his troops like pocket money, is recorded to have wept at a review on suddenly reflecting that all his soldiers would probably be deceased in a hundred years. It is barely possible that Piljosh may have been a spectator of this incident. — H. B. J. A certain Pheasant was pluming herself upon having become a member of the Anti- Sporting League. " Softly, friend ! " said a wily old Cock, " for, should this League of thine succeed in its object, every man's hand would be against us both by day and night ; whereas, at present, our lives are protected all night by vigilant THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 119 keepers, and spared all day by our owner and his guests, who are incapable of shooting for nuts ! " Note. — This is a glaring non sequitur and fallacy. I myself have never shot for nuts — but it does not necessarily follow that any pheasant would remain intact after I discharged my rifle-barrel ! — H. B. J. ** It is not what we look that signifieth," said the Scorpion virtuously, "it is what we are\ Note. — True enough — but the moral would have been improved by attributing the saying to some insect of more innocuous character than a Scorpion. Perhaps this is so in the original Styptic, for, as I have said, I cannot repose implicit faith in my young friend's version. — H. B. J. ** I have composed the most pathetic poem in the world ! " declared the Poet. " How can'st thou be sure of that," he was asked. " Because," he replied, " I recited it to the Crocodile, and she could not refrain from sheddincr tears ! " 120 A BAVARD FROM BENGAL " It is gratifying to find oneself appreciated at last," said the Cabbage, when the Cigar Merchant labelled him as a Cabana. " Don't talk to me about Cactus," said the Ostrich contemptuously to the Camel. "In- sipid stuff, / call it ! No — for real flavour and delicacy, give me a pair of Sheffield scissors ! " " The accommodation might be more luxurious, it's true," remarked the philosophic Mouse, when he found himself in the Trap, " but, after all, it's not as if I was going to stay here long\ " " People tell me he can shine when he chooses," said the Extinguisher of the Candle. " All / know is, he's positively dull whenever he's with me ! " There was once a Musical Box which played but one tune, to which its owner was never THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 121 weary of listening. But, after a time, he desired a novelty, and could not rest until he had exchanged the barrel for another. How- ever, he sickened of the second tune sooner than of the first, and so he exchanged it for a third, which he liked not at all. Accordingly he commanded that the Box should return to the first tune of all — and lo ! this had become an abomination unto his ears, nor could he conceive how he had ever been able to endure it ! So the Musical Box was laid upon the shelf, and the Owner procured for himself a cheap mouth-organ which could play any air that was suggested to it, and thus became an established favourite. Note. — This is apparently designed to illustrate the ficklety of the Musical Character. — H, B. J. " Do come in ! " snapped the severed Shark's Head to the Ship's Cat. "As you perceive, I am carrying on business as usual during the alterations." 122 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL The Bulbul had no sooner finished her song than the Bullfrog began to make profuse apo- logies for having left his music at home. To a Butterscotch Machine the Penny and the Tin Disc are alike. Note. — Surely not if an official is looking on ! — H. B. J. " My dears," said the Converted Cannibal reverently to his Wife and Family, as they sat down to their Baked Missionary, "do not let us omit to ask a blessing ! " There is but one Singer whom it Is futile to encore — and that is a Dying Swan. " I am doing a series of * Notable Nests ' for ' Sylvan Society,' said the insinuating Ser- pent, on finding the Ringdove at home, "and I should so much like to include ^^«." "You are very kind," said the Ringdove, in a flutter, "but I can assure you that there is no more THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 123 in my poor little eggs than in any other bird's ! " " That may be," replied the Serpent, " but I must live somehow ! " " No outsiders there — only just their own particular set ! " said the Cocksparrow, when he came home after having been to tea with the Birds of Paradise. The Elephant was dying of starvation, and a kind-hearted person presented him with an acidulated drop. Note. — It is well-nigh incredible that any Philo- sopher should be so ignorant of Natural History as to imagine that any Elephant would accept an acid drop, even if it «ras on its last legs for want of nutrition. The conclusion of this anecdote would seem to be either lost, or unfit for publication. — H. B. J. There was once a famous Violinist who sere- naded his Mistress every evening, performing the most divine melodies upon his instrument. But all the while she was straining" her ears to listen to a piano -organ round the corner which was playing " Good-bye, Dolly Gray ! " 124 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL The Performing Lioness kisses her Trainer on the mouth — but only in public. The Candle complained bitterly of the un- pleasantness of seeing so many scorched moths in her vicinity. " I have taken such a fancy to thee," said the Hawk genially to the Field-Mouse, "that I am going to put thee into a really good thing." And he opened his beak. There are persons who have no sense of the fitness of things. Like the Grasshopper, who insisted on putting the Snail up for the Skipping Club. The Cat scratched the Dog's nose out of sheer playfulness — but she had no time to explain. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 125 " After all, it is pleasant to be at home aofain ! " said the Eaorle's feathers on the shaft that pierced him. But the Eagle's reply is not recorded. Note. — Poet Byron also mentions this incident. — H. B. J. A certain Painter set himself to depict a lovely landscape. ** See ! " he cried, as he exhibited his canvas to a Passing Stranger, "doth not this my picture resemble the scene with exactitude ? " *' Since thou desirest to know," was the reply, "thou seemest to me to have portrayed nothing but a manure heap ! " "And am / to blame," exclaimed the in- dignant Painter, " if a manure heap chanced to be immediately in front of me ? " Before a Man marrieth a Woman he de- lighteth to describe unto her all his doings — even the most unimportant. But, after marriage, he considereth that such talk may savour too much of egotism. 126 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL Note. — This is very very shallow. I have never experienced any such compunctiousness with my own wives. — H. B. J. " I shouldn't have minded so much," said the Bee, with some bitterness, just before breath- ing his last in the honey-pot, " only it happens to be my own make ! " "Is the White Rabbit beautiful ? " someone inquired of the Albino Rat. •' She might be passable enough," replied the Rat, "but for one most distressing defor- mity. She has pink eyes ! " When the Ass was asked about his Cousin the Zebra, he said : " Do not speak about him — for he has disgraced us all. Never before has there been any eccentricity in our family I" The full-blown Sausage professeth to have forgotten the days of his puppyhood. ** Will you allow me to pass ? " said the courteous Garden Roller to the Snail. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 127 Had anyone met the Red Herring in the sea and foretold that he would one day be pursued by Hounds across a difficult country, the Herring would have accounted him but a vain babbler. Yet so it fell out ! Note. — I shrewdly suspect that my young friend has made the rather natural mistake of substituting the word " Red Herring " for " Flying Fish." It is not absolutely incredible that one of the latter department should fly inland and be chased by Dogs — but even Piljosh should be aware that no Herring could pop off in such a way. — H. B. J. An Officious Busybody, perceiving a Phoenix well alight, promptly extinguished her by means of a convenient watering-pot. *' Had you refrained from this uncalled for interference," said the justly irate Bird, " I should by this time be rising gloriously from my ashes — instead of presenting the ridiculous appearance of a partially roasted Fowl ! " Note. — I can offer no explanation of this allegory, except to remind the reader that the Phoenix is the notorious symbol for a fire insurance. — H. B. J. 128 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL " Alas ! " sighed the Learned Pig, while ex- piring from inflammation of the brain, brought on by a laborious endeavour to ascertain the sum of two and two, " Why, why was I cursed with Intellect ? " " I shall know better another time ! " gasped the Fish, as he lay in the Landing-net. A certain Merchant sold a child a sharp sword : " Thou hast done wrong in this," remonstrated a Sage, "since the child will assuredly wound either himself or some other." "/ shall not be responsible," cried the Merchant, ** for, in selling the sword, I did recommend the child to protect the point with a cork!" A certain grain of Millet fell out of a sack in which it was being carried into the City, and was soon trampled in the dust. " I am lost ! " cried the Millet-seed. ** Yet THE PARABLES OF TILJOSH 129 I do not repine so much for myself as for those countless multitudes who, deprived of me, are now doomed to perish miserably of starvation ! " " I have given up dancing," said the Tongs, "for they no longer dance with the Elegance and Grace that were universal in my young days ! " " But for the Mercy of Providence," said the Fox, piously, to the Goose whom he found in a trap that had been set for himself, " our respective situations might now be reversed ! " " She really sang quite nicely," remarked the Cuckoo, after she had been to hear the Nightingale one evening, " but it's a pity her range is so sadly limited ! " The Mendicant insisted on making his Will 10 130 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL " But what hast thou to leave when thou diest ? " cried the Scribe. *• As much as the richest," he repHed ; *' for when I die, I leave the entire World ! " Note. — This is (if not incorrectly translated) a grotesque and puerile allegation. The veriest tyro is aware that when a Millionaire hops the twig of his existence, he leaves more behind him than a mere Mendicant ! — H. B. J. "Forgive me," said the Toad to the Swallow, "but, although you may not be aware of it, you are flying on totally false principles ! " "Am I?" said the Swallow meekly. "I'm so sorry ! Do you mind showing me how you doit.?" " I don't fly myself," said the Toad, with an air of superiority. *' I've other things to do — but I have thoroughly mastered the theory of the Art."' " Then teach me the theory ! " said the Swallow. "Willingly," said the Toad; "my fee— to you — will be two worms a lesson." THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 131 *' I can't bear to think that no one will weep for me when I am gone ! " said the sentimental Fly, as he flew into the eye of a Moneylender. Note.—Cf. Poet Byron : " 'Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark Our coming, and look brighter when we come ! " — H. B. J. A certain Cockatrice, feeling sociably in- clined, entered a Mother's Meeting, bent upon making himself agreeable — but was greatly mortified to find himself but coldly received. " Women are so particular about trifles ! " he reflected bitterly. " I know I said * Good Afternoon' with my mouth full — but, as I explained, I had just been lunching at the Infant School!" "I want to be useful/'* said the Silkworm, as she sat down and "set" a sock for a Decayed Centipede. 132 A BAYAUD FROM BENGAL A Traveller demanded hospitality from fourteen Kurds, who were occupying one small tent, "Enter freely," said the Kurds, "but we must warn thee that thou wilt find the atmo- sphere exceedingly unpleasant — for, by some inadvertence, we have greased our boots from a jar of Attar of Roses!" Note. — Once more I do not entirely fathom the Fabulist's meaning — unless it is that such a valuable cosmetic as Attar of Roses may become so de- teriorated as to offend even the nostril organ of a Kurd .— H. B. J. A certain Basilisk having attained great success in petrifying all who came under his personal observation, there was a Scheme set afoot to present him with some Token of popular esteem and regard. "If we give him miythingy' said the Fox, who was consulted as to the form of the proposed Testimonial, " I would suggest that it should take the shape of a pair of Smoked Spectacles." THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 133 Note. — The Satire here, at least, is obvious enough. Smoked spectacles are a very inexpensive gift— H. B. J. "How truly the Poet sang that : * we may- rise on stepping-stones of our dead selves to higher things ! '" remarked the Chicken's Merry- thought, when it found itself apotheosised into a Penwiper. Note. — A young lady, that shall be nameless, once presented me with a very similar penwipe, which represented a Church of England ecclesiastic in surplice and mortar-cap. — H. B. J. " I shall not have perished in vain ! " gasped an altruistic Cockroach, immediately before expiring from an overdose of Insect Powder, "for, after this fatality, the Owners of the House will doubtless be more careful how they leave such stuff about ! " Note. — British Cockroaches, however, resemble Emperor Mithridates in being totally impervious to beetle poison. — H. B. J. 134 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL The Sheep was so exceedingly tough and old, that the Wolf had thoughts of becoming a Vegetarian. Note. — When we see some person attaining Centenarian longevity, we are foolishly inclined to fancy that, by adopting their diet, we also are to become Methusalems ! — H. B. J. A certain Ant that had lost its All owing to the sudden collapse of the Bank in which its savings were invested, applied to a Grass- hopper for a small temporary advance. " I am sorry, dear boy," chirpily replied the Grasshopper, "that, although I am playing to big business every evening, I have not put by a single grain. However, I will get up a matinee for your benefit." This he did with such success that, next winter, the Ant was once more sufficiently prosperous to discharge his obligation by offering the Grasshopper a letter to the Charity Organisation Society ! Note. — The application of this is that a kind action is never really thrown away — H. B. J. THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 135 ** I never feel quite myself till I've had a good bath ! " said the Bird whom an elderly Lady had purchased from a Street Boy as a Goldfinch. And behold, when the Bird came out of its saucer of water, it was a Sparrow ! Note. — Like many Philosophers, Piljosh would seem to have had no great hking for ablutions. But water which could transform a Goldfinch into a Sparrow must previously have been enchanted by some Magician, so that our Parabolist's shaft misses fire in this instance (as indeed in many others !). Possibly, however, his Translator has once more proved a Traitor ! — H. B. J. *' Pride not yourself upon your Lustre and Symmetry," said the Jet Ear-ring austerely to the Pearl, ** for, after all, you owe your beauty to nothing but the morbid secretions of a Diseased Oyster ! " " I am sorry to spoil your moral," retorted the Pearl with much suavity, " but, like yourself, I happen to be Artificial." Note. — Inhabitants of glassy mansions should not indulge in lapidation. — H. B. J. 136 A BAYARD FROM BENGAL " Come ! " said the Peacock's Feather proudly to the Fly-flapper and the Tin Squeaker, as the final illumination flickered out and they lay in the gutter together, limp and exhausted with their exertions in tickling and generally exasperating inoffensive strangers. " They may say what they please — but at least we have shown them that the Spirit of Patriotism is not yet extinct ! " Note. — This must refer to some Cryptic customs prevalent in the Parabolist's time. But I do not clearly apprehend what connection either tickling, fly-flapping, or squeaking can have with Patriotism ! — H. B. J. Last Words Here conclude the Parables of Piljosh, together with the present volume. That the former can possibly obtain honble mention when compared with the apologues of Plato, ^sop, Corderius Nepos, or even Confucius, I cannot for a moment anticipate, and none can be more sensible than my humble self THE PARABLES OF PILJOSH 137 how vpry poor a figure they cut in proximity to the production of my own pen ! However, indulgent critics will please not saddle my unoffending head with the responsi- bility, the fact being that I was vehemently advised that, without some meretricious pad- ding of this sort, my Romance would not be of sufficient robustness to produce a boom. But should " A Bayard from Bengal " un- fortunately fail to render the Thames com- bustible, I should rather attribute the cause to its having been unwisely diluted with such milk and watery material as the Parables of Piljosh. So, leaving the decision to the impartial and unanimous verdict of popular approval, I subscribe myself. 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PR -2- THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara STACK COLLECTION THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW. 30m-8,'65(F644784)9482 3 1205 02020 8482 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A A 001 424 581 5