GIFT OF Tfc. , "PassincL ct O Elephant \\ FROM* Aft 'OfL Fo-RT^AitT' BY V" . J ^icGLo.-;icY THE PASSING OF THE PINK ELEPHANT A Text Book of Psychopathic Zoology BY FRANK VINCENT WADDY ILLUSTRATIONS BY HARRISON HENRICH Published by F. V. WADDY 750 West Fourth Street Los Angeles, Cal. i Copyright, 1919 By Frank Vincent Waddy The Passing of the Pink Elephant 745667 CONTENTS Preface Page 9 Descriptive notes on The Pfumpfst Page 1 1 Descriptive notes on The Plupfsquylm Page 13 Descriptive notes on The Quopff Page 15 Descriptive notes on The Zropboogle Page 1 7 Descriptive notes on The Snyphkorque Page 19 Descriptive notes on The Poozletwym Page 21 Descriptive notes on The Zquylphright Page 23 Descriptive notes on The Gazoophlum Page 25 Descriptive notes on The Sprosque Page 27 Descriptive notes on The Wobblskapff Page 29 Descriptive notes on The Sprungleboo Page 31 Descriptive notes on The Ypx Page 33 Descriptive notes on The Zyzzlephorq Page 35 Descriptive notes on The Ujyxph Page 37 Descriptive notes on The Skwumph Page 39 Descriptive notes on The Fnylp Page 41 Descriptive notes on The Tschypfsk Page 43 PREFACE THIS little book is offered at a critical moment of our social history. The United States have gone dry. The well of booze has ceased to flow. No more will the hilarious drinker laugh at pointless jokes, slap his friend on the back in jovial cruelty, go to sleep under the dinner table, or say for the eleventh time on the same eve- ning, "all right, old chap, just one more, thanks." And with the passing of the saloon, the wine-cellar and the stew-party, the wonderful phenomena of alcoholic phantasy will shortly fade forever from human imagination. And so we gently take our leave of the Pink Elephant, the Flying Lobster, and the Square Snake. Never again will they cause us to bury our heads in the pillow with a groan of horror. But lest they be forever forgotten here, in this Guide to Delirium Tremens, a compendium of non-existent creatures, the fantastic figments of the gin-soaked brain are fixed, crys- tallized, enshrined in art, before they vanish to be seen no more. It is, of course, impossible in this limited space, to deal fully with this unique branch of natural history, and the 17 organisms depicted are merely a representative selection. Prob- ably the reader could supply far better ones from his own ex- perience. In the phantasmagoria of alcoholic nightmare the number of wonderful animals, reptiles, insects and other creatures ob- served singly or in ingenious combination, must be infinite. Possibly new ones will be evolved in the forthcoming days of substitutes, of hopless beer, grapeless wine, "cooking" sherry, and home-made whiskey. Perhaps they will be even more enter- taining than those engendered by the old-time drinks. Time will tell. The PfumprsT 10 THE PFUMPFST OR PINK ELEPHANT (Elephas Crocodilus Horribilis) THIS beautiful creature is seen only on rare occasions, its production being a matter of great difficulty on less than 27 drinks of Vermuth. Dubonnet, Old Bushmills Whiskey and Angostura Bitters, liberally mixed. It has the body of an elephant, which is of a sunset pink color, and the head of a crocodile. It often floats in the air above the dreamer, and is always just about to fall and crush him, "jam, jam lapsura, imminet," as Virgil says, but it never does fall. It weighs about 13 tons, all of which ponderous bulk can be felt in anticipation by the victim, as it eternally threatens to drop and squash him. The sensation is most oppressive. This creature lays foundation stones, as a crocodile lays eggs. No sooner has it laid one than it solemnly dedicates it with a bottle of wine. The ceremony is very inspiring. The name is onomatopoeic, being formed from the sound made by the creature when it sits down. 11 Tfce. 12 THE PLUPFSQUYLM OR TABASCO SALAMANDER (Hotstuffo Mexicano) PRODUCED by indulgence in pulque, mescal, enchiladas, senoritas, prickly pears, chili peppers ; capsicum, ginger, English mustard, onions, rad- ishes, and Yradier's music. Accompanied by a pronounced and prolonged burning sensation in the alimentary canal. Can be induced at the Buzzard Saloon and Dance Hall, Mexicali, and almost anywhere south of the border. It is a descendant of the mythical salamander, reputed to be able to live in fire. Its favorite diet is red-hot fish hooks and lighted cigars. It lays hard-boiled eggs, and its chief delight is to be stewed in sulphuric acid, or gently roasted over a slow fire. It is also fond of carpet tacks, which it swallows in large quantities, presumably with a view to building up an iron constitution. 13 Tfie 14 THE QUOPFF OR KANGAROOSTER (Blastodermus Cacophonus) CONTRIBUTED by Hiram Scroggins, of Bug- juiceville, Ark., who says he invariably sees it after a debauch on hard cider. The matutinal rooster of his early days on the farm, bird of ill omen, disturbing his slumbers with its strident summons, has been permanently embodied in this interest- ing combination. The quopfT sits heavily on the stomach of the victim, punches his face with its front paws (upon which it obligingly wears boxing gloves), flaps its wings, and crows loudly for him to get up, which is quite impossible. It is also familiar to Australian aviators. 15 The Zi'op boodle 16 THE ZROPBOOGLE OR BLUE FLYING LOBSTER (Homarus Ceruleus Avians) ANOTHER rare specimen. Seldom seen below the level of the picture moulding, close to which it circles the room incessantly, leaving a faint cloud of vapor trailing behind it. Requires from 7 to 10 years of diligent rot-gut culture to rear it. Sometimes seen by D. T. patients at County Hospitals. Has also been reported by persons emerging from an ether-jag on an operating table. 17 18 THE SNYPHKORQUE OR GREEN MONKEY (Pith ecus Virens Terrificus) HAS a pointed tail with a poisonous barb, like a stingaree. Inhabits the area above the head of the sleeper, and pelts him with spiked cocoanuts. Sometimes, during the day, it will sit on one's left arm, but if the subject turn to look at it, the snyphkorque instantly vanishes behind the shoul- der, returning a moment later and resuming its seat on the arm. It is impossible to get a direct view of it, the creature always keeping a little to the left of the line of vision. It jabbers incessantly, the conversation consist- ing of one's own weak jokes, told when drunk, and being about as edifying as the kind heard at sewing- meetings. The snyphkorque is strongly reminiscent of a tour in the forests of the Amazon, and of the ball- istic skill of the simian acrobats encountered there. It is also familiar to bartenders, liquor sales- men, and drink mixers. It is of a bottle green color, and can be produced by an orgy of green-opal and Chartreuse. The PooxfeTwyrx* THE POOZLETWYM OR GIDDY GARDEN GOAT (Capricornus Hortensis Vertigans) HAS the body of a panther, but the head of a goat. It incessantly kicks its back legs, as if they were caught in a barbed wire fence. Some of the modern dance steps are said to have been suggested by the antics of the poozle- twym. It has a hilarious expression on its face, and is most frequently seen after initiation night at fraternal lodges. Most favorable time for observing it: when the sun is in Leo or Capricorn. Fairly common in farming districts near the Rocky Mountains. THE ZQUYLPHRIGHT OR LOGARITHMORPHIEND (Hyperaesthesius Mathematicus) THIS complex organism is known only to col- lege professors, astronomers, university students towards the en5 of the term, and to neurasthenic poets and cubist painters after Italian wine and coarse dinners in hobohemia. Specimens have been seen at Oxford, Soho Square, Montmartre, Princeton and Greenwich Village. It is an aristocratic, highbrow creature, said to have been first captured and preserved by Ike Newton. Other fine specimens observed by Lord Byron, Omar Khayyam, Copernicus, Metschnikoff and Pasteur. Can be conjured up for ordinary people by an exclusive use of Yellow Chartreuse, Lachrymae Christi, Champagne Cocktails, Absinthe, Caviare, Truffles, Lampreys, Ravell's music and Bergson's philosophy. The peculiar attitude in which it sits or stands has evidently been acquired by years of studious application at a desk, the head having sunk until it reached the floor, when it passed between the feet of the student and came up behind, since when it has used itself as a table. 23 24 THE GAZOOPHLUM OR RUM HOUND (Cants Puppius Preposterus) CONTRIBUTED by the secretary of the Bronx Kennel Club, a devotee to the same brand of cocktail. Often induced by a surfeit of hot dogs at Coney Island. Men milliners complain of its invasion of the dry goods stores (on the morning after), where it insistently demands muzzlin'. To produce a really fine gazoophlum, the throat must be as dry as Sahara, the mouth like a blotting pad, the eyes full of sand, and the head buzzing like an egg-beater. The 26 THE SPROSQUE OR DOG-FACED COCKATOO (Hiccupus Emphaticus) IT barks, screams, hiccoughs, and repeats one's own needless oaths incessantly. It sits upon the observer's chest, and jerks his diaphragm to and fro with pincers held in its jaws, using the feet for leverage. It is allied to the owl, clock cuckoo, two-can, Red Raven, and lyre bird, which latter accounts for its popularity with lawyers and politicians. It is also cognate with the oof-bird, and has therefore been studied minutely by pawnbrokers and municipal officers. Among its ancestors there are doubtless a few old hens and a cock-or-two. 27 THE SPRUNGLEBOO OR WINGED DINOSAUR (Dtnosaurus Pterodactylus) A PREHISTORIC jag souvenir. Contributed by the curator of the Museum of Natural History. It has six legs, two tails, the head of a sea-horse (enlarged 750,000 diameters), wide handle bars like Highland cattle, is spotted like a leopard, and has the poetic expression of a water puppy. It is always trying to walk through itself, the back and middle legs making a vain effort to catch up with the front ones. The medial pair have evidently been evolved to prevent abdominal sagging. Specimens found depicted in the ruins of Thebes, Babylon, Sarnac and Yucatan. Claimed to have been seen frequently by Cleopatra, Nero, Nebuchadnezzar, and Ananias. Its webbed fins or wings are geared so high that the sprungleboo can hover or float in the air for hours at a time, by keeping them vibrating rapidly, like a humming bird. The two tails are sometimes seen tied in a neat bow, as if the creature were trying to tidy itself up. 30 THE WOBBLSKAPFF OR SQUARE SNAKE (Anguis Rectangularius Rheumaticus) THIS fascinating organism flourishes in the tropics, the natural habitat of reptiles. It marks a transitional step in evolution from fish to saurian, the rudimentary flappers showing unmistakable evidence of marine ancestry. It belongs to the same stratum, deliriously speaking, as our friend the zropboogle, and pre- fers to keep on the level of the picture moulding. According to Robert Burns, there is a tartan variety of wobblskapff (chameleonora polychro- matica), resulting from life-long devotion to Scotch Whiskey, whose skin is variegated with assorted samples of Highland plaid. 31 THE YPX OR CANCER COOTIE (Hypometascorbutus Furiosus) THE doughboy's nightmare. Commonest heretofore in Maine and Kansas. Produced by indulgence in grape juice, eau- de-Cologne, raspberry wine, near beer, approxi- mate whiskey, synthetic brandy, and hypothetic meals. Aggravated by attending temperance lectures and returning later to the comforts of a long counter and a foot-rail. It often appears in shadowy silhouette among the bottles on the shelves behind the bar, where it stands, reeling unsteadily, with a flask in one paw, a manuscript in another, and scratching itself with a third, while it insists on delivering a temper- ance lecture to which no one listens. From the flask, it would appear that the ypx believes in being full of its subject. 33 34 THE ZYZZLEPHORQ OR MOTORCYCLE SPIDER (Polymorpharachne Lamellibranchia) FAMILIAR to journalists and newspaper pro- prietors suffering from poor circulation, rapid motorcycle delivery being the best remedy for this distressing condition. Also known to students of entomology, street car drivers, and nervous pedestrians. It looks like a tarantula, with a bear's legs. The eyes stick out about ten inches from the head, on the ends of long spikes, like the feelers of a snail, and are fitted with a universal joint, so that they can be switched in any direction, like a search- light. Well known to Texas cowboys, suffering from tfM/o-intoxication, and to western miners looking for quarts. 35 TbeUjyXPH 36 THE UJYXPH OR SPIRAL CAT (Fells Tortuus Vermiformis Gyroscobulus) EVIDENTLY of English origin, being reminis- cent of the sky-blue china pussies seen on lodging- house mantelpieces in that country. The ujyxph has an interesting habit of staring at you, irrespective of your distance or direction. Its penetrating gaze follows you regardless of the number of twists in its body required to keep you in view. The grin on its face is permanently frozen in by a patent process. The corkscrew curls are a survival of the provincial-schoolmistress-acidulated-spinster type of cat described by Charles Dickens. Generally conspicuous after an orgy of your maiden aunt's elderberry wine. The elongated neck gives it an appearance of imminent seasickness, which is most disquieting to look upon. Rare outside the British Isles. 38 THE SKWUMPH OR MAMMOTH FLEA (Discombobulus Sneakaboutus) ACCORDING to Zoology the flea and the elephant are the two most powerful living organisms, in proportion to their respective sizes. The skwumph ingeniously combines the agility of the one with the massive dignity of the other. In the phantasm of a toxic sleep, it nimbly leaps from place to place in the room, ever eluding capture, or else it lands with ponderous impact on the chest of the dreamer, thus illustrating its ele- phantine qualities. It was also familiar to knights in armor, dur- ing mediaeval days, the records showing that a doughty warrior would sometimes dream he had a skwumph beneath his suit of mail, where it felt as large as an elephant, and could not be scratched. If the warrior was not stewed during the experi- ence, he always wished that he were. 39 THE FNYLP OR JABSQUIRT (Xnyphothrompus Hypodermicus) KNOWN only to "coke" users or hop fiends. It has the body of a mosquito, one billion times enlarged, and carries a dope squirt in the place of the harpoon proboscis employed so effectively by that insect. The squirt is about the size of an automobile tire pump. The fnylp hovers incessantly in the air above the face of the subject, ready at any moment to drive the venomous prong through the frontal bone into the cranium. It maintains this condition of suspended activity as long as the patient's eyes remain closed. Upon his opening them, it vanishes. If an attempt be made to cheat it, with one eye open and the other closed, the jabsquirt moves its point of attack to the occipital bone, where it drills a neat hole through the skull, inserts the probe and stirs up the brains, if any, with a motion similar to that employed in making batter for hot cakes. Common at Sing Sing, Matteawan, Atlanta, Joliet, Fort Leavenworth and San Quentin. 41 Tfce 42 THE TSCHYPFSK OR RUSSIAN SNEEZE-HOUND (Przquffschnypsius Vladimitrlus) CONTRIBUTED by General Nastykoff, of the Royal Polish Mudguards. Usually follows upon an orgy of schnapps, kirsch, pigs' feet and sauerkraut, Russian Kummel and vodka, aggravated by the study of Hungarian geography, lectures on Czecho-Slovak politics, and a tour through the cheese mines of Switzer- land. It has the body of a turn-spit dog, tusks like a walrus, and the talons of a cat, but much larger. With its giant claws it climbs to the topmost branches of the sauerkraut trees, where specimens are frequently shot or half shot. The favorite occupation of this creature is gnawing its tail. The tail constantly diminishes in length, but there is always some left. Periodically the tschypfsk clouds up for a sneeze, swelling like a balloon during the process : and regarding the landscape with horror, as it feels the sneeze coming on. Finally the explosion comes, with a deafening report, and the tschypfsk bursts into a thousand fragments, which are re- united on the ground. It then reascends the tree and resumes the urgent duty of chewing its tail. 43 RETURN TO the circulation desk of any University of California Library or to the NORTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY Bldg. 400, Richmond Field Station University of California Richmond, CA 94804-4698 ALL BOOKS MAY BE RECALLED AFTER 7 DAYS 2-month loans may be renewed by calling (510)642-6753 1-year loans may be recharged by bringing books to NRLF Renewals and recharges may be made 4 days prior to due date DUE AS STAMPED BELOW OCT 5 2006 DD20 12M 1-05 745667 JUNIVERSrn^OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY. ft