n Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2007 with funding from Microsoft Corporation http://www.archive.org/details/ageofintellectorOOmoorrich ,//£ , /,„, • //• i vy fe _„////>• //• . TKE AGE OF INTELLECT: OR mtvital motofrtft, AND A SERIES OF POETICAL EPISTLES BETWEEN BOB BLAZON IN TOWN, AND JACK JINGLE IN THE COUNTRY. DEDICATED TO THE FAIR CIRCASSIAN. NOTES CRITICAL, ETHICAL, SATIRICAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL, CRANIO LOGICAL, AND ASTROLOGICAL. Bv FRANCIS fytOORE, Physician, Author of the celebrated Work entitled Way gpWIarum, or a EogaX &Imanac& LONDON : PRINTED FOR WILLIAM HONE, LUDGATE HILL. 1819. itf *v Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love Lane, Lastcceap. CONTENTS. (inter alia) Remarks on the Clerical Showmen of St. Paul's and the Abbey, — { 'raniological Bumps, — Barristers,— Civilians, — Attorney, and Solicitor General, — Medi- cal Men, — Choristers, — the Fair Circassian, — the Prince Regent, — the Lord Chancellor, — the late Princess Charlotte, — Balloons, — eminent living Poets and Authors, — the Cacoethes Scribendi, — Congreve Rockets — Musical Professors and Instru- ment Makers, — Civil Engineers, — Lecturers on Li- terature and the Sciences, — Members of Parliament, — Sir W. Curtis, Mr. Canning, Lord Castle- reagh, Mr. Croker, and Mr. W. W. P. Wel- lesley, — the Coinage, Medals, and Medallists, — New Bridges, — Canals, Tunnels, and Streets, — Sir J.' Banks, Sir H. Davy, — Blacking Makers, — Dan- dy Horses, — Bob Gregson, the Pugilist, — Dr. Herschell, and Astronomers, — Dr. Spurzheim, theCraniologist, — Booksellers and Reviewers, — Jack Ketch, — Mathews the Ventriloquist, — Meat Pre- servers, — Lotteries, — Orators, —Universities, — Auto- maton Chess Player, — the Persian Ambassador, — Safe Coaches, — Pastry Cooks, — the Polar Expedition, — Red Snow,— Mineral Waters, — Royal Society and Academy, — Steam Boats, — Sheriffs, — Lord Somer- ville, and Mr. Curwen, the Agriculturists, — Uni- versal Standard of Weight and Measure, — Lawyers Wigs, — and Washing Machines. 64517$ TO THE FAIR CIRCASSIAN. Illustrious Beauty, Light of the Celestial Lumina- ries ! Bright Excellence ! To all on earth superior, — as the seraph is to the worm that tunnels beneath a bed of onions in the horticultural enclosure, — deign, most amiable Princess, — deign to accept my homage individually, — the homage of an Author of the highest reputation, whose heart dances enraptured with the hope of being employed to cast your nativity. Allow me, sweet Rose-bud of Shiraz, to enjoy the supreme felicity of approach- ing the band-box in which you are en- closed, — suffer me to greet my optical senses with a glance at your finished beauties,— and permit me to request your acceptance of this humble tribute of my respectful admiration. I offer it in the name of the nation as a testimonial of gratitude for your great condescension in allowing yourself to be imported, like a contraband bale of goods, from your enchanting native vales, for the purpose of delighting the eyes of our magnanimous Regent, and the exquisite Dandies who ornament this age of intel- lectual perfection. Impressed with sentiments of the most profound veneration for his excellency, your august guardian, Mirza Abul Hassan Khan, — and for the Black Eu- nuchs who attend your toilette, and per- form the delicate duties of the Femme de Chambre, I am, Illustrious Beauty, Your most devoted, Most obedient and Most humble servant, FRANCIS MOORE, Physician. INTRODUCTION. THE EDITOR TO HIS COURTEOUS READERS, IN the first of the following letters, Mr. Blazon talks of sending his compositions to the translator of Anacreon, for the purpose of soliciting that gentleman to write a Preface, or Dedication; but I am inclined to think that the result of such an application, if really made, was unsuccessful. Yet, however eminent may be the talents of the author of Lallah Rhooch, and however distinguished his renown,— I be- lieve I may safely venture to assert that the VI INTRODUCTION. trumpet-tongued lady has been almost infinitely more favourable to me, than to him. It is indeed easy to prove this by a mathematical demonstration; but I shall only have recourse to historical evidence in order to substantiate the truth of my assertion; and thus I can make it clearly appear that the sale of my Vox Stel- larum, or Loyal Almanack, has exceeded that of the works of any other author, either an- cient or modern. Its fame resounds from the Equator to the Poles, — from the Eastern to the Western Hemisphere. The demand for that celebrated publication, has in one yep.r, amounted to 130,000 copies; and the whole number printed from the time of its commence- ment to the present period, has been at least Ten Millions! Surely, therefore, my name must be famous indeed ! INTRODUCTION. VII The productions of my pen are also peculiarly favoured, in a most important point of view : They very rarely experience the unfortunate fate of the ordinary ephemeral compositions of the day, — or the unenviable destiny of the more ponderous labours of theological investigation. My works are neither doomed to perform the degrading offices to which the former are appro- priated in the chandlers' shops, — or, raised to the elevated station occupied by the latter, on the shelves of the library; of which they retain undis- turbed possession, till their ages are discoverable by the successive stratifications of time-deposited dust. But mark how differently fortune smiles on me : The efforts of my mighty genius, are unques- tionably the subjects of daily reference, — are pre- served with no ordinary degree of care, until they die a natural death,— and are universally known as Vlll INTRODUCTION. the oracles to whom all classes appeal for advice and information. I can also confidently refer to my works for proofs of the amazing extent of my intellectual powers. Have I not displayed the most extra- ordinary versatility of talent ever exhibited by mortal? Is not my name annually ushered into the world in red letters, as a Politician, a Metaphysician, an Astronomer, a Mathemati- cian, and a Poet? Are not all my courteous readers aware that I am a Weather-glass maker, and a Physician ? And am I not the only lite- rary individual existing in this enlightened Island, who pretends to be a proficient in that divine art, mystery, and science, called Astrology ? If then, the successful sale of an Author's works be any criterion of their excellence; — what merit can equal that of mine ? Endowed INTRODUCTION. ix with such qualifications as I have enumerated, who can enter into competition with me ? — or, who can be so well adapted as I am, to correct or revise the effusions of human genius ? Surely, Mr. Blazon, you could not have been awake, if, instead of resorting to me for assist- ance, you applied to any other human being \ — or if you so far underrated my talents as to con- sider their lustre exceeded by the glowing radiance emanating from a Little, Brown, Moore ! It is proper for me further to observe, that I am master of all the varieties of style, of which the English language can afford us any specimen. I can imitate any one of them with the greatest facility: indeed, at this sort of work, I am as •much at home, as the editors of the famous "Rejected Addresses;" or as Mathews the X INTRODUCTION. Comedian, when he entertains his friends at the Lyceum, with the tones and manners of his Theatrical coadjutors ; — with the extraordinary ventriloquistical powers which he displays in his representation of the travelling characters of " La Diligence;" — with his imitation of the sublime Lecture on Craniology, delivered by a celebrated German Professor, in the Parisian Catacombs : — or with his long story about no- thing, in the character of the little Scotch woman. Apropos ! — Mr. M. is not perhaps aware that he has had the honour of exhibiting himself before so great a man as Francis Moore, Phy- sician; but I can assure him he has been so honoured : — and I was so highly delighted with his performance, that I think I shall be inclined to request his acceptance of one of my next INTRODUCTION. xi Almanacks as a token of my esteem. Indeed, I entertain so much friendship for him, that if he will favour me with the date of his birth, by Jetter addressed to me at my Publisher's, — specifying the year, month, day of the month, day of the week, hour, minute, second, and third, when he first squeaked in this sublunary world, — I will with pleasure, cast his nativity, consult the stars about him, (I do'nt mean the stars at St. James's) and draw his Horoscope gratuitously \ — and, if he pleases, it shall appear among the Judicium Astrologicum of my next publication ; together with a Hieroglyphic, re- presenting the events of his future life, as con- nected with Thalia and Melpomene, which have been hinted to me in my conferences with the Planets ; — and his adventures, from his birth to the present period, which I have extracted from XU INTRODUCTION. the scattered leaves of the British Cumean Sybils! But again to resume the important subject under consideration, — it becomes necessary to state that I enjoy one great advantage over every other man of genius ; — and that is, a peculiar and inimitable style of my own, which I employ only in one of my works. The truth of this observation may be exemplified by refer- ing the reader to my " Loyal Almanack for the Year of* Human Redemption, 1818 ;' ' and at the head of page 12, are to be found the fol- lowing luminous lines. " Of Gold and Rubies full-freight cargoes brings " Boldly rig out and fear no kidnapping !" Now whatever the Critics may say, I contend, that this couplet contains some of the most essential properties of Poetry : — viz. — splendid imagery, brilliant description, figurative expres- INTRODUCTION. X1I1 sion, and harmonious diction. Who will deny, that the latter hemidistick is ineffably harmo- nious ? — that kidnapping is a figurative expres- sion for the impressment of seamen ? — that full freight cargoes of Gold and Rubies" are splendid images? — and, that it is a brilliant description of a ship, when I say she is "boldly rigged ? " This species of composition I denominate my " enharmonic style : " but I often adopt another mode of writing called " monosyllabicaV I refer the reader for a specimen of it, to the fifth column of the 24th page of the work last mentioned; where he will find the following in- structive, sensible, and pleasing passage; which^ for the benefit of those individuals who are not well acquainted with my writings, I shall trans- cribe verbatim et literatim. XIV INTRODUCTION, a Hams a legs tt ankles tt feet a toes tt head a and a face tt neck tt throat tt arms tt and a should* tt breast a stom." a heart tt and a back " INTRODUCTION. XV Now in this sententious, typographical co- lumn there is a great deal of mystery ; — so much so indeed, that it is incomprehensible even to those highly favoured few, who have penetrated the sanctum sanctorum of the Hieroglypick Temple, and studied my wonderful works with the most attentive consideration. But the greatest mystery of all mysteries with regard to it is, that its meaning and utility are mysterious even to myself! - When I attempt this style in verse, it is in the following manner : Am I not a great man? — and aVnt all the world know it ? And what's more than that, — am I not a great poet? Who doubts what I say?— -'Tis all true I am sure; — 'Pon my word 'tis, — as true as my name is Frank Moore. This Stanza, or Poem, (and Poem it certainly is, as it possesses what critics call, the three XVI INTRODUCTION. great requisites for such a composition, viz. a beginning, a middle, and an end,) I have writ- ten for the express purpose of presenting to Mr. Harris, a very worthy Bookseller at the N. W. corner of St. Paul's Church Yard ; who, if he pleases, may publish it in one of his penny pamphlets for the amusement of children : and I am perfectly satisfied that I shall be rewarded for my liberality, by hearing my name lisped like that of Jack the Giant Killer, in every part of the British dominions. The reader will ob- serve that I am not contented with one species of fame, however extraordinary. My ambition also extends to the regions of the nursery ; and I think that by offering this specimen of my lite- rary labours to the above-named gentleman, I have adopted the best mode of attaining my object which human ingenuity could suggest. INTRODUCTION. XVII We all of us know the delight which children take iti lisping rhyme, — and the lasting impres- sion made on the mind by lessons of morality so inculcated. Who then can doubt the advantages which will result to society, from having such an historical fact as that of my splendid fame and great talents, indelibly recorded on the me- morial tablets of future generations to the end of time? And as Chronologists have not fur- nished us with any data on which we can reason, with regard to the period when Little Jack Horner sat in the corner; — so it is not at all improbable, the time will arrive, when the sera of my existence will be involved in equal obscu- rity ; — though the name and fame of Frank Moore and his lore, may be as familiarly spoken of as that of any of the little great heroes and heroines of antiquity whose exploits have been recorded XViii IN TRODUCTrON. by the hush- a-by -baby historians of former days. It is perhaps unnecessary to make any further comments on the style of composition last men- tioned, in order to prove that it possesses great simplicity. It might indeed be adopted with some considerable advantage in the Astrological department of my work ; — but there, — sublimity and profundity are the preponderating requi- sites ! It does not however follow as a necessary consequence, that, from its simplicity, this sort of literary composition is that which can be written with the greatest degree of facility. Mr. Pope, an old acquaintance of mine, tells us that, " True ease in writing conies from art, not chance, '• As those move easiest who have learnt to dance." Now this remark is indubitably correct, and INTRODUCTION. xix its truth is peculiarly exemplifiable in the pre* sent instance. It must be obvious to every reader that the sentence which I have copied from the fifth column of the page before-men- ted, is, perhaps, as easy as any one either in the Royal Battledore, or the London Primer; yet no one can possibly conceive what an immense deal of logical art was required in its composition. If however, I employed any other mode of imparting to the world, these momentous results of my nocturnal lucubrations, — its effect would fail, — and the rising generation would be de- prived of the benefits which they have so long enjoyed from my luminous annual dissertations. Again, who does not know the great advan- tages which result from my prognostications of the weather ? Page 14, — (being the diary for the month of July) contains the following impor- XX INTRODUCTION. tant information. " I expect Thunder in some places, with showers of Rain." Now as I meant to extend the latitude of my expectation to the whole month, I very judiciously placed the above quoted words at the head of the column, en- titled "mutual asp. and weather ; 9 — thereby intending to convey an impression to the minds of my readers, that they ought also to expect Thunder and Main in some places : — and every one knows that these are not the most extraor- dinary phcenomena witnessed by man during the dog-days. This prognostication will also prove that my superlative judgment is constantly ex- ercised in every thing which I undertake. If, for instance, I had stated my expectation of such occurrences in the Diary for January, my opinion would have been rather doubted, even by a great number of those extremely courteous INTRODUCTION. XXI readers who consider me as their oracle, — how- ever worthy the good creatures may be, and however celebrated for their credulity ! I am perfectly aware that my calculations and predictions relative to the planetary iufluences are somewhat out of date amongst the learned. But of what consequence is that to me ? I ad- dress myself in that publication, to good old- fashioned English people, such as they were; — not your fine Frenchified, modernized, literary masters and misses. Nevertheless, my prognosti- cations in general, but particularly with regard to meteorological affairs, are constantly managed in such a manner, that, whenever my columns declare that it will either rain or shine, freeze or snow, on any particular day, the day before or day after, the probabilities of my being correct, XXU INTRODUCTION. in this proverbially changeable climate, are al- ways greatly in my favour. Having thus concisely given proofs of my great abilities and distinguished fame, I cannot refrain from again expressing my surprise that Mr. Blazon did not apply for my literary aid in the first instance. He must assuredly have been informed of the nature and extent of my poetical powers ; and of my super-eminent qualifications for undertaking the arduous duties of an Editor- ship : for, I will not be so affronting as to suppose that he is either so ignorant as not to know my works, or so indolent as not to have read them. As, however, I dislike to exhibit any symptoms of an austere, or misanthropical disposition, — I shall not take offence at his want of respect ; but with the greatest possible condescension, and the INTRODUCTION. Xxiii purest good-humour imaginable, I have con- sented, that my unparalleled name shall stand in the title-page prefixed to the following letters, as their Collator, Amender, Correcter, Reviser, Annotator, and Editor. FRANCIS MOORE, Physician. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. LETTER I. FROM BOB BLAZON IN TOWN, TO JACK JINGLE IN THE COUNTRY. -" Thus the Gods instruct us,— that not all :t Who, like intruders, thrust into their service ' And turn the holy office to a trade, j • Participate their influence." Rowe. My Dear Jack, THO' the strains more melodiously sound, That a Byron's bright fancy may render renown'd, Or, tho' such as are polish'd according to rules Which were taught in the old philosophical schools, From the hands of the Artist more brilliant may shine Than ideas confus'd, — like the ore in the mine: — B 26 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Yet, unfetter'd by art shall my rhythmicals flow, As the brook from the mountain, — as wild flowers blow. What if mortals the midland canal may convey, Over morass, — o'er height, — as the crow wings her way, And the talents of Rennie command admiration Aloud to resound through this mercantile nation ; Yet, streams that meander through thicket and glen, Claim the greater esteem from the Bard's hallow'd pen ! So, compar'd to the soul-soothing charms that are known To accompany rural enjoyments alone, Most insipid appear Metropolitan Sports,- • The Theatrical Pageant, — the Splendour of Courts ! Tho' I'm coop'd in this city half smother'd with smoke, I can fancy I'm sitting beneath an old oak Which in boyhood I knew,— while by memory's aid Is the cottage with mouldering mud-walls di splay 'd ; THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 27 Where nature in purest simplicity blooms, — Where taste has'nt sullied the whiting-wash'd rooms ; — Where truth holds her court, — and fair gratitude springs From the soul to its Maker, — on aeriform win^e ! You see I can write with a pen sentimental, As well as your folk with an epithet gentle, Who scribble soft sayings to soothe softer senses, And to nonsense give birth through an Amanuensis. This limping long measure my brains spin as easy, As chariot wheels turn when their axles are greasy. My Dactyls revolve in a spiral direction, Like infinite series in constant connection. Like other great authors, I therefore shall try To exhibit my writings in Quarto Demy ; Or, in Foolscap Octavo, perhaps they'll be found More convenient, — a small pocket volume, half-bound, b 2 28 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. And if two or three letters from thee, my dear Jingle, vVith mine, like the plums in plum-pudding I mingle, Each reader may possibly relish a slice, Wherein thy attic salt chimes with my homely spice. Then I'll send 'em to Moore, alias Little, or„ Brown, Who has usher'd Tom Crib and the Fudges to town ; — (Whatsoever he fathers is sure to go down !) And that luminous lyrical Bard I'll invite, A concise Dedication or Preface to write ; With a few Annotations in Greek, to explain An idea conceiv'd in Georgius's Reign ! While his language, by dark inuendos may seem To admit that our letters were written by him. What a thought have I started, my friend? Did you ever Know, since you were born, an expedient so clever? THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 29 From ev'ry one's mouth will proceed, — I am sure, — " How d'ye do ? — Have you seen the new Poem by Moore?" But in case the reviewers are surly or cross, And assert that our verses are metrical dross ; They shall find that Til bring 'em to book, — I assure • ye, Their judge shall be Midas, — vile scribblers, their For, often, these gentle censorians, I'm told, Have their notions of lit rature bias'd by gold ! While as Publishers prompt, or as interest guides, Each Pomposo dogmatical praises or chides, And as easily cuts up an author, or not, As your Hodge can make Dapper walk, gallop, or trot * Yet, list to what Prudence will say to the matter; — " Remember," — she whispers, — "how easy they scatter b3 30 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. •' Their venomous Porcupine weapons around; u And inflict in the dark an incurable Wound ! " To their presence you'd better approach, cap-in-hand, "Such a mark of respect may their favour command : " All your high-minded people wish small-ones to stoop, " While with pride glowing faces they ride cock-a-hoop ! " Thus you'll purchase their praise, Sir." — I thank you, Ma'am Prue : I'll endeavour your friendly advice to pursue. With humility, therefore, I humbly beseech All ye wholesale correctors of all parts of speech, Your bright smiles of goodnature on me, to bestow; And allow not your rivers of gall to o'erflow All the regions of wit, — as the Nile's slimy wave Deigns the land of Osiris and Isis to lave. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 31 I shall view nature's walks, — shoot each folly that flies, The light manners of Londonners catch as they rise ; And bid Ridicule dart her satirical glance, Like th* invisible shaft in the realms of romance! For the pow'rs of the Pulpit, the Bar, and the Throne Are exceeded by Ridicule's power alone ! Now you'll know, I suppose, that these fine spoken words Did'nt Parentage find amongst my humble hoards; And 'tis shameful an author's expressions to quote, Without telling his name in the context or note. In my humble opinion,— 'tis nearly as base As to steal a man's fiddle, and leave him the case. So, to show that I'm honest, with pleasure I'll state, That they flow'd from Pope's pithy, poetical pate! How refulgently shining ! — Howpolish'd his strains ! And how sweet's been the labour I've had for my pains, « b4 32 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. When IVe cull'd from his brilliant harmonical flights, Ev'ry beauty that charms, — ev'ry flov/r that delights. Could I steal from his writings one luminous ray, — Or like him deck my verse in habiliments gay ; For the learned Goliahs I'd care not a straw, — Nor for what they denominate " critical law ;* Nor for people who drain author's bones of their marrow, (Who treat 'em like toads writhing under a harrow.) The Bookselling brain-dealers, — men of renown, Who inhabit the Row in the midst of the Town ! * But Fd stray to Parnassus, and, mounting my steed, With my rustical rhyme, thus at pleasure proceed. Having visited London from Somerset's vales, To see whether folk walk'd on their heads or their tails, * Mr. Blazon is rather too severe in assimilating the situa- tion of a Toad under a Harrow, to that of an Author engaged amoug so respectable a class of men as the London Booksel- lers. Ed. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 33 And to pick up the Guineas that lie in the streets ! And to shake by the hand ev'ry body one meets ! The reflections I made, I'll submit to thy view, And you'll find 'em to be incontestibly true. First, I went to St. Paul's, where I thought I should find, Mid sublimity's gloom, the great Architect's mind !j But its wonders, I was'nt permitted to see, Till the Verger was paid a contemptible fee! Who on earth would have thought it ? he stood in the porch And made ev'ry one pay for admission to Churchl Isn't this, to the nation, a shame?- a disgrace, Which oblivion will hardly have pow'r to efface ? So, at Westminster Abbey, theyforc'd me to pay, Ere they'd let me behold what the monuments say ! And thus, — tho' believed 'twill be scarcely by no-men, These Churches are Show-Booths ! their Clergy are Showmen! b5 34 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Degrading it is to Britannia's bright Isle, And the Foreigners justly our customs revile, — And repeat, when they hear this unfortunate truth, That our manners, as well as our tongues, are uncouth '. When the fee at St. Paul's, for unloosing the chain I'd discharged, — though 'twas shabby I thought to complain, Yet I could not help asking the Verger, — to whom All the Two~pences went, for inspecting the dome? In a whisper he answered, " The Two-pences go " To make Custards and Ven'son their blessings bestow, " Upon those who conceive it no shame to their cloth, " A clean penny to turn, tho' from tithes of the moth! " And why should'nt our B*s**p, or C*n**s, or D**, u Just like other folk forage, with appetites keen? THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 35 "'Tis presumption indeed, in their coats to pick holes, (i You find food for their bodies, they, food for your souls ! " You are right," said I, " still I may venture to say " What I think of their deeds, without feeling dismay ! " Whenso'er they attend to their soul-saving trade well; " They claim admiration, — and ought to be paid well ! " But when, about sporting they ponder, — or gambols, u Or scratching their neighbours with law-poison'd brambles ! " In politics mixing, — or natt'ring the vicious, " To gain an additional Tithe-Pig delicious ! " Or, darkly admitting that Vice is much whiter " Than virtue, — t'obtain the magnetical Mitre ! "When such things occur! — and who sees them not often ? " Should courtesy, satire's asperity, soften ? B 6 36 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. " No surely, a new Cat-o' -nine-tails I'll buy, u For Jack Ketch with discretional pow'rs to apply!" Cried the Verger, enraged at me, " What, sir, d'ye mean? * " Dare that fellow approach either B*s**p or D**n ? " From their precious fat backs, strip the sacred black cloth? " And a new Cat-o-nine-tails employ ? — By my troth " The idea is horrible ! What? Shall I stand " And behold it applied by Jack Ketch's rude hand ? * The constitution of things in this world, is so arranged by the Omniscient Director of Events, that people are ge- nerally conscious of doing ill when their actions are influ- enced by improper motives. Hence it follows, that the force of a remark concerning the justice of any punishment for misconduct is more seriously felt by the guilty, than by the innocent person. Therefore the manner in which the Verger is supposed to take the observation relative to Jack Ketch is perfectly natural. He hears the name of that terrible officer remotely connected with certain dignitaries of the Church to which he belongs, and instantly takes lire at their danger, convinced that they deserve the censure applied to them. Editor. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 37 " Shall I see the red streams ? — Perish ! —perish the thought ! 11 No, — their eggs to a much better market they've brought ! " They are fearless of danger from his filthy paws ; " For they're governed by Ecclesiastical Laws V "Softly, softly/' said I, " Mister Verger, — thy pas- sion " Is quite unbecoming thy clerical station. " Your D**n, puff'd with pride, may, his arms stick a-kimbo : •' Your B*s**p defy, Jury, Judges, or Limbo ! " And say they are innocent ; nay, even swear it! " But if the cap fits 'em ; 'ifaith let 'em wear it. u Yet, howe'er you may frown,— 'tis a practice de- grading, " To carry on here any species of trading ! 38 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. " Our cash you demand for permission to gaze " At the work this magnificent structure displays : " Just as if 'twas a store-house of wonderful sights, " Or the place wherein Punch's broad humour de- lights : " For ye charge a good Raree-show price, for permission " To let us indulge our own organs of vision! " I say this is trading !— -ant* who can deny it ? u A practice so base that all nations decry it ! " Ye Showmen, — ye open receivers of bribes ! " It is written,* — ye Hypocrites, Pharisees, Scribes! "That this House should be known as the Mansion of Pray'r! "But of Thieves 'tis a Den, I've some reason to fear! " Tremble ! tremble ! ye showmen, receivers of fees! " Ye British-bom Hypocrites, Scribes, Pharisees 5* * Matthew, 21. 12. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 39 "Oh! have mercy, I pray?" cried the Verger, dismay'd ; " If I thought 'twas a sin, I'd give over the trade. " But by custom 'tis sanctioned ; and therefore I think, "That no harm can arise from receiving the chink. " Then besides, 'tis but Two-pence, — and 'tis'nt worth while, u For so small an amount; — in this opulent Isle, " To set grumblers at work, or to make any fuss " About trifles to many, — tho' not so to us." "True, — Wnt" said I, " any matter of moment ; "And singly surve/d, 'tis unworthy a comment: " But when as an object collectively taken, " A Flitch makes a great many Rashers of Bacon. " So, viewing the two-pences heap'd altogether, " Like cart-loads of gravel to wear out shoe-leather ; " A pretty round sum 'tis that annually reaches "The Bags that are stitch'd in Canonical Breeches. 40 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. " The custom is also extremely indecent, " It matters not much, antiquated or recent ! " So base is its nature, and shameful its practice, " The heathen would hardly believe that, a fact 'tis. " Know ye not that this edifice, — proudly sublime, " Tow'ring loftily, — bidding defiance to time, — "With much labour and cost, was erected by mortals? " To serve as a threshold to Heav'ns high Portals ! " And surely you know that it also contains, " Both of heroes and statesmen, the dust that remains ! " Therefore why should a being on earth be denied " Free access to this object of national pride ? " Where the youth may read history ehissel'd in stone ; " Where the marble half breathes ! while he fancies a tone " Issues softly, and soothing, and sweet to his ear, " And, to regions empyreal, his soul seems to bear ! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 41 " Who occasions such exquisite feelings to flow ? "Who? the Parliament certainly, all of us know.* " Those who measure their days by utility's scale, " In the grave, on the pale horse of death, seldom fail " To obtain from their country the meed of applause, " Which, by virtue, if influenced, infamy awes ! " Hence, the sculptor's fair tablet, — his marble-hewn bust, — u His design allegorical, — emblem august, — " Act as stimulants, — boldly encouraging man, " Of his life, to make honour the paramount plan. * It is 1 believe indisputable that almost all the monu- ments worth seeing both in St Paul's Cathedral, and West- minster Abbey have been erected at the public expence. The public have therefore an undoubted right to visit their own property at all xeasonable times, and under such re- gulations as would preserve the distinguished works of art which are displayed in those places, from the attack of ig- norant or wanton persons. Editor. 42 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. " Should these stimulants, therefore, be kept from our view, " As the means of extortion, your schemes to pursue ? " Has the artist exerted his eminent skill, " On yon statue, alone to bring Grist toy oxer Mill ?* •' When the senate of Britain with gratitude glows, " For the service of merit retir'd to repose! " And directs that the name shall in memory live, " Till the Cenotaph fails the Memento to give! " Should the artist, his time and his talents employ, " For a banquetting B*s**p or D**n to enjoy, i l (Just like Gyngel the showman at Bartlemy Fair,) " What the public now give for permission to stare ? * Nelson's Monument, which has been recently erected in Saint Paul's Cathedral, is a fine specimen of sculptural talent, by Flaxman ; who is said to have received for its execution the sum of Five/Thousand Pounds sterling, pur- suant to a vote of Parliament. If then on no other account, this circumstance alone would entiile the public to gratui- tous admission to the Church during any hour of the day. Ed. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 43 " What the public may justly consider their own, " Shall they pay for a peep at? to pamper the Drone, — u The pigeon-pie pluralist ? Banish the thought ! u The idea alone is with Simony fraught !" " Oh ! pray, Sir?" the Verger cried, " 'dont be so hard, " And the heads of the Church, with such epithets lard." " Without reason to censure, Pm never inclined — " Tho* Pll whisper," said I, " a bit more of my mind. " If the custom be longer continued, — I hope M That the King, Lords, and Commons, will furnish a rope, " For the Sheriffs, or Jack their respectable friend, " From the gallows, your clerical necks to suspend. 44 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Now, quitting the Verger, I went, blithe as any, Determin'd, my pen 9 north to have for my penny : And hearing the organ-pipes whistle, while viewing Some Boys with smock-frocks on,* their anticks pur- suing ; Who seem'd to be just like Theatrical Players, Hir'd, there to sing ballads, and not to say prayers : I listen'd, — I wonder'd, — I heard with surprise, The sweet tones of rich harmony rapt'rously rise, And exalt to the realms of Seraphic delight, E'en the soul that now dwells in the shadows of night ! But alas! when I sought whence the harmony nWd ! I perceiv'd not a spark of devotion, that glow'd * The Chorister's canonical surplice and the waggoner's smock-frock are unquestionably, at the first glance, much alike, but the resemblance is more remarkable, when the actions of the wearers of those articles of decoratiou or utility, are observed so to correspond in every prominent point, as to be undistinguishable by the ordinary powers of human perception. Editor, THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 45 On a Chorister's countenance, they didn't feel What the Spirit from Heaven alone can reveal ! To be sure, if Fd given the matter a thought; How could Puppets with rational powers be fraught ? Fine Automaton forms ; — mere mechanical things, Like the Jacks that force sounds from the harpsichord strings ! To expect them to feel, would be folly indeed ! Barbers-blocks you may cut, but you can't make 'em bleed. Yet I wonder that either the B****p or D**jst Don't assist 'em, at least, with a sanctified mien ! For a sanctified mien oft undoubtedly proves, A safe passport to Clerical Fishes and Loaves ! And, like counterfeit coin, it will probably pass, Till, the silver rubb'd off, we discover the brass ! 46 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Thus absorbed by reflection, time swiftly encroach'd Till the hour of appointment for dinner approach'd ! So I said to Saint Paul's and the Verger, "Good bye; i' And the truths I've convey'd to ye, don't misapply." But now as the bell of the postman is t inkling, My letter 111 finish and fold in a twinkling : And while we've a moor for our ponies to graze on, Believe me, Your's ever Sincerely, Bob Blazon, London, 1819. LETTER II. FROM JACK JINGLE IN THE COUNTRY, TO BOB BLAZON IN LONDON. 4 Bellua Multorum eit Capitum." Hor. Dear Bob, Your letter made me feel As pleas'd as Punch, as blithe as May ; What earthly thing can joys reveal, Equal to friendship's votive lay ? But freely shall my pen display An act disgraceful to the state ! They made me for its carriage pay , As if 'twas half-a-hundred weight ! 48 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. I wonder where the money goes ! Where ? Ministerial mouths are large ! Therefore, the Postage, (I suppose,) Their mighty gizzards help to charge ! These guttling engines too, belong To many ministerial heads ; Who, luscious dainties feast among ; And sleep on golden truckle-beds. Yet, ev'ry mouth, one body feeds ; The body-politic 'tis nam'd, As famous for its wondrous deeds, As e'er th' historian's notice claimed. Famous as one in antient times, With fifty heads, — a Hydra call'd ! Which ravag'd Grecia's classic climes, And each surrounding realm appal'd ! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 49 Until, by Hercules o'ermatch'd, It sunk beneath his conqu'ring pow'rs : As souls by doctors are dispatch'd To Tart rus, or Elysian bowers ! Some learned writers tell us, that, A club, the warlike weapon was, With which his foes he deign'd to pat ; — But I say that a cudgel 'twas ! And who can entertain a doubt, That fair Britannia gave it birth ? For, had the hero search'd throughout This babbling, busy, bustling earth ; With Faun us over regions rov'd, Where monarch's quadrupedal reign, Exploring sylvan scenes belov'd By Dryad's — by Diana's train; c 50 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Such dibattoon he'd ne'er have found, Except in Britain's favor'd Isles ; Where lives a noble race renown' d In naval arts and martial toils : Who boast, — who very justly boast, Exalted energies of mind ; — The wooden walls that guard their coast, And hearts, by nature brave and kind. Whose Oak supremely stands confess'd, The Cudgel, Butt, or Ship to form, — Of all materials far the best That charm the eye or brave the storm. Now fair Alc mena's valiant son, This fact, intuitively knew; The wondrous fame, that wood has won, He saw through time's most distant view ; THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 51 And therefore sought the happy land Which Neptune's briny current laves; Where Nereids bounded o'er the strand, Or sportive play'd on foaming waves : Where Britain's youth exulting glow'd With social warmth, and cheerful hearts; While round them founts of friendship flow'd, Amid the joys that peace imparts. There, in a bosky, dark retreat, Where Druids offer' d holy vows, (Untrodden save by hallow'd feet, The turf beneath th' umbrageous boughs) A Saplitig Oak, by Sylphic pow rs, Nurtur'd and nurs'd, with partial care, Alcides saw, and thank'd the hours That grac'd the birth of gift so fair, c 2 52 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Thence, from its moss-crown' d native bed, By him 'twas borne to milder climes ; And soon its latent fame o'erspread The realms that saw primeval times. Then, to yon gem-bespangled sky, On light ethereal wings it flew ! Nor did it cease to mount on high, Till nearly hid from mortal view ; Where, by Astronomers 'twas spied, Amid the fields of azure space ; Ere old Ascr^lus taught the tide Of song to greet the human race. But stay ! — my fancy wandering treads On scientific ground; The Hydra 'twas with fifty heads, Whose fame made ancient worlds resound ; THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 53 Infesting Lerna's fenny fields, (As old historians say) Which bade the treasures menrry yields Awake my humble rustic lay. But what are fifty heads, to those Of ministerial fame ? Whose mansions, clouted cream overflows With Turtle, Poultry, Fish, and Game ! And, their right-honourable maws To stuff, — Fm forc'd to pay This heavy postage ; — shocking laws Some people fudge up now-a-day. Why should the Parliament'ry flock, Receive their letters fret ? Why ? — Just to make a laughing stock Of simple folk, like you and me. c3 54 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. The plodding man, engag'd in trade, Who minds his P's, and Q's, Becomes a rotten member made, To suit his own commercial views : How much 'twill cost, he calculates, To buy himself a seat; And either loss or profit states, On every annual balance sheet. His letters superscribed are " Free" But those to him addrest ; To X. Y. Z. Esquire, M. P. Must surely please him best : — Because, " see what a pretty lot, Of pennies sav'd," he cries ; " Aad pennies sav'd are pennies got, No mortal here denies," THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 55 But list ! — a sad, a sad affair, Augusta has degraded, And Riots in the House of Prayr, Her brilliant lustre shaded ! Sr. Paul's beheld a foul affray, Unutterably base ! Discord her banners dar'd display ! Fierce was her crimsond face ! And tho' Britannia s solemn grief,— By shaft divine produc'd,— Requir'd Religion's calm relief, More widely eircumfus'd ;— Yet even then, while o'er the tomb, Where worth heroic lies ; Within the choir, — beneath the dome, Confusion dar'd to rise ; — C 4 56 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. And, barbed arrows fiercely dart, On clamour's pinions borne : As blows the storm, the welkin thwart, When Aries gilds his horn!* * Mr. Jingle appears here to be stepping a little into my literary province. Ytt I dare say he does not understand any thing about astrology ; for I think, if he did, he would have been glad to display somewhere or other in his letters, a few proofs of his acquaintance with the occult sciences. In this case he speaks of Aries gilding his horn. Now it is certain that the opposite effect takes place. It is the sun which figuratively gilds or illuminates the horn of Aries, when he enters that sign of the Zodiac on the 21st of March ; Aries does not do it himself. If however Mr. Jingle would study this subject a little seriously, I think he would soon be as great an adapt in these matters as myself. He might then calculate and write about the direful portent of Sol passing the equinoctial or solsticial points when the moon is in an ill humour, or when Mars and Venus are in conjunction, — or when Jupiter and Mercury are in opposition : and he might then have stated the various angry causes which make the storm blow athwart the welkin grtien the solar orb crosses the Equinox. Astronomical observations furnish us with but little data on which we can reason with regard to this mat- ter. People ought in their studies, to dip a little deeper into the Arcana of nature. Edit. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 57 Then how it happen'd let me know, As briefly as you please ; Altho' your pen with grief o'erflow, Like moist November's breeze, — Which, whistling through the crevice, mourns The wintry solstice near : And breathing o'er the leafless thorns, Distils the drizzling tear. And long as e'er my mental powers, With pain, or pleasure tingle ; In all respects believe me yours, Devotedly J. JlWGLr. c 5 LETTER III. FROM BOB BLAZON IN TOWN TO JACK JINGLE IN THE COUNTRY. Q. " What makes a Church a Den of Thieves ? A. " A Dean, a Chapter, and Lawn Sleeves !" Hud. Dear Jack, How my optical nerves are delighted, On reading thy letters ; by friendship indited, — Abounding with harmony, humour, and wit, Such as Horace might pen in a metrical fit. You may call this a compliment, but I declare That I can't the false robes of hypocrisy wear : THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 59 From me, if one flattering fawning idea Shall ever escape, may that cold panacea For all mortal evils to man incidental, — Grim death lift against me his arms instrumental ! You ask me, however, a question, my friend, To which I'm with sorrow oblig'd to attend. k is true, and Fm almost asham'd to repeat it, Tho' you have so courteously deign'd to intreat it ;— - Tis true that Saint Paul's display'd symptoms of riot, Instead of religious decorum and quiet, — When recently warned by affliction extreme, We spontaneously mov'd to adore the supreme ! When the flow'rets with confidence gather'd to strew The bright path of the infant emerging to view, On the bier of the mother, droop'd, wither'd, and died ! On a Princess, — of Britain, the boast and the pride ! c6 60 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Fair Spirit ! — thy transient, yet luminous ray, Like a meteor, its brilliance could only display ! Thy virtues transcendant, thy station ilium' d ! But how soon was thy vital effulgence consum'd ! On thy couch did the laughing loves fondly repose, Purest bliss from thy altar domestic arose, In one streamlet of incense, continuous, clear, As the azure expanse can to Seraphs appear ! Thus it was! — Now the hearth of fair industry moans, Which enliven' d has been by thy heart-cheering tones ! And the Cot, and the Hamlet with grief are opprest, For the loss of their friendly occasional guest ! Does the orphan s keen anguish, — the widow's sad tear, — Now experience soft sympathy, soothing sincere, - THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 61 Such as angelic beings alone can bestow, — From whose hearts all the streams of beneficence flow ? Tis impossible, Charlotte, alas ! is no more ! And in sorrowful silence her loss we deplore ! In her mansion distinguish'd, the Halcyon at rest, Seem'd to say to its inmates, — " Hail ! Mortals, be blest ! " May affection your hearts in sweet bondage unite ! " May your lives be a vista of endless delight, " In the distance, ineffably soft to the eye,- " Evanescent becoming, — a point in the sky !" But the thunderbolt flew, — 'twas the fiat of Jove, The fair spirit of excellence hence to remove ! And her mortal remains to the tomb were consigned, Where equality reigns o'er the whole of mankind. 62 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Alas ! my friend, when on that gloomy occasion, Pale death's direful dart put in mourning the nation ! While even inanimate things were condoling With man, and the passing-bells plaintively tolling ; Whilst even Saint Paul's shook the dome and the steeple, And told its distress to a million of people ! Even then did that Saint's wily servitors venture, The fee to demand, for permission to enter That place, of all others in Britain intended (When private and national sorrows are blended,) To solemnize acts of devotion to God ! When he shows us his mercy, or uses his rod ! Was this, d'you think, well ? — does Saint Paul so instruct 'em ? For this did the crown to their stations induct 'em ? THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 63 Was this, I would ask 'em, performing their duty ? Displaying to mortal eyes virtue's, bright beauty? Or showing us vice in deformity's vesture ? How horrid its howl ! and how writhing its gesture ? Do clerical men merely gain the high station, To make money -changing their chief occupation ? " Hold, hold, my friend, hold !" you may probably cry out, — " Suppose in these words that a libel they spy out]" A Libel, John ! certainly this you can't deem so :— To lawyers, indeed, it may possibly seem so ! But no one, I fancy, that sits on a Jury, Will say thatit is, — I may safely assure ye ! No, never will I lend my hand to a libel ! Or venture to parody part of the Bible 64 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. And whilst I act rightly I care not a straw, For the 'Torneys, or Counsel , or Judges, or Law ! "What? — fearest thou not?" — you may ask me again, " Mister Geriral Attorney, and big-wig like men ? Not I ! — for tho' wigs may give qualifications ' To those who look upward for titles or stations ! Yet otten one covers as mean an interior, As e'er fill'd the cranium of shoe-black inferior ! I've heard too, that wisdom proceeds from the wig ! That a Mannikin, deck'd in a Jazey, looks big ! That from thence, all his time-serving impudence flows, Every arrogant frown, all the lam that he knows! But without it, observe what the * learned man" is At a bankruptcy, view your Commissioner's phiz : THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 65 He is there insignificant, just like the rest Of mankind who attend to their business well drest. The wig and the robe off, more harmless a creature Is not to be met with, in action or feature ! A plain individual, stript of all terror ! And prone, like the weakest of mortals to error ! But view him in court, deck'd in black gown and band, With a smirk on his face ; with his briefs in his hand : With the slang of the bar on his voluble tongue, Like the parrot he breathes his reiterant song: And his speeches, however deficient in strength, Like the thread of the spider, he makes up in length : While his ignorance sleeps, by assurance conceal'd ! And his consequence serves him for Pallas's shield ! * * I hope Mr. Blazon's pourtraiture is not intended to be personally applied to any individual character in that learned and liberal profession. At any rate it cannot pos- sibly allude either to Dolly Fuss, or Ann Drews. Edit. 66 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Halt! — halt! — Mr. Pegasus! — none of your ram- bles, Let's have amongst lawyer's — Briefs, Briars, or Bram- bles I But turn round your Noddle, and toss up your Nose, Sir; And smell your way back to the Clerical Crosier ! For if by their scratching, they don't make you cry out, Some Fire- works enclos'd in a blue-bag may fly out, And cause on your countenance shocking grimaces, While singeing your hide with their red \fiery faces ! * So turn your head round, Mr. Pegasus! — turn! For you musn't expect me to try how they'll burn ! * I have turned to a Law Dictionary for an explanation of this, and there I find that a writ called Fieri Facias, is sometimes denominated a fi fa, or fiery face. Editor, THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 67 Speed your course to the path whence the Brambles and Bri'rs, Have been clear'd by the Bishops to kindle their fires I Let us see! — I said Clergy-folk gain'd a high station, Who made money-changing their chief occupation ! And am I not right? — 'Tis in vain they'll dispute it ; By rational powers, they ne'er can refute it. What else (I may venture to ask) can we call The base conduct of those who belong to Saint Paul ? When the death of our Princess directed each mind, To consider the iime-to-come state of mankind ! When each family saw the Omnipotent hand Strike with awe, young and old, rich and poor through the land ! 68 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. When it prompted, but silently prompted all hearts To resort to the comfort, religion imparts ! When the good, which by Heav'n is, from evil deduc'd, Was, by this dispensation, most widely diffus'd ! By which millions were probably taught to reflect, That the course they pursued, was a course to be wreck' d ! While religion, extending her empire around, Made her trumpet of victory sweetly resound ! When the public were thus by such motives im- pell'd ; — (Irresistible motives, — p'rhaps unparrallel'd) Was it not most disgraceful to clerical fame ? Shall it not be recorded,— the Clergy to shame ? That this cloister-fed-clan, this episcopal crew, Made us pay to get in, as at Play-house we do : Tho* the persons whose duty it was to attend In that grand Metropolitan Church to commend THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 69 To the regions of mercy, our praises and pray'rs ! — Were not there, but engag'd in their worldly affairs ! When accus'd of neglecting their duty, they cry, That their volumes no forms of precedence, supply, On the subject in question : * and therefore 'twas best To let no noise or trouble their quiet molest ! Happy men! — surely "forms of precedence' will gain Both contentment of heart, — and exemption from pain ! Master Death too is courtly ! — and doubtless will pay Some respect to precedence ! — 'Tis quite in his way ! And I s'pose you expect that all those will be sav'd, WhoVe according to Rules of precedence, behav'd ! * It will be recollected that at tlie University of Oxford such an excuse was actually made for the non-attendance to religious duties on the day in question : and it appears that the officers of the Cathedral Churches of Canterbury and X Ondon also acted on the same PrinciPle. 70 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. But my Pegasus, halt ! — I must stop thee again ; This is not a fit subject for levity's pen ! It is nevertheless, most undoubtedly true, That indelible blame is to some person due ! Whose behaviour indeed, I may justly compare To the Mountebank's, who, at a Wake or a Fair, Wanting silver and gold more than passable sense. Tried this artful expedient to pick up some pence. "I've a sight," he exclaim'd, "most amazing to show, " To all those who the wonders of nature would know ! a 'Tis some animals born in the vales of tne moon ; — " In creation's close scale just above a Baboon ! " Which I've lately imported in Sadler's Balloon ! " And their music's so charming, you'll think it divine ; " Tho' their speech is a sort of monotonous whine ! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 71 " Yet they gabble,— like ducks in the puddles, that dip, " Whom the show r has bequeathed the delectable sip. " And without any feeling, their parts they recite ; a As the paper conveys what the poet may write. " Yet they know when to stop, like the overshot wheel, " When its buckets, the mill-pond refuses to fill." " Now this curious collection of animals rare, " I propose, with permission to show at the Fair : " And my charge is but Two-pence, — a moderate price, " Come and see, come and see, my friends, take my advice !" He collected his Two-pences, — filPd his Booth well; (Was there ever 1 wonder, a case parallel ?) 72 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. And whilst the poor clowns with expectancy gap'd ! " Alack-a-day ! Masters! — said he, " they've es- cap'd!" • So the dignified Showmen who live by Saint Paul's;— Who deserve to be prais'd for attending their stalls. Lately ventured to act ;-the poor tools they employ To collect the base tribute they calmly enjoy, In their Church many thousands admitted, — who thought That the mournful occasion alone, would have brought Something like a few eloquent sparks to the view, From the craniums of some of the clerical crew ! But how highly augmented, alas ! was the gloom Which so deeply pervaded the people and Dome ! Tho' so many dull drones on its income exist ; From the Hierarch above, to the Deacon, and Priest ! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 73 When no one amongst them was found at his station, — No words can describe the intense consternation ! Now Riot commenced her disgusting career, And each votary, arm'd with an aspect severe ! One, attempting, on clerical duties, to preach ; — On the monuments, others commencing a speech! Here, the Constables pulling the Orators down ; — There, an Orator darting defiance's frown. Here, clamour, her Babel-tongu'd banner displaying ; There, Vergers the Posse-Corn' tatis arraying ! But when we consider the proximate cause Of this riotous scene, — we must certainly pause Ere the people we blame ! — who can deem it a crime To lament that they'd lost both their money and time ?* * It is not possible for language to convey an adequate idea of the tumult which resulted from this disappointment of public expectation j or of the sentiments of disgust which r> 74 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Now as Canon, or Bishop, Archdeacon, or Dean, To their shame be it spoken, were not to be seen ! Their eminent Organist gracefully rose ; And gave birth to some strains which he did not com- pose Till, observing th/ assemblage extremely incens'd, Thus with forte ? extempore hem ! he commenc'd ! " Hem ! — Ladies and Gentlemen! painful is truly " My sad situation ! — I came hither duly "To play on the beautiful instrument near me : u And if I could do so, — I'm sure you would hear me !* the conduct of these Clerical Showfolk excited even in the most pious and placid minds ! * The reader will observe, that though this is an age of great intellectual attainment, yet oratorical talent is rather at a low ebb. Some gentlemen are called learned, because they wear a wig and gown, — and though paid for the use of their' t tongue?, as the cooler is for that of li is hands, yet are they neither rhetoricians or logicians; — these are dcnomi* THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 75 " But sorry I am, that I cannot comply with " Your wishes ; — because the two peepers I spy with " Perceive that the Choristers seats have been seiz'd " By more than conveniently there can be squeez'd. " Now if the fine singers can't get at their places, " You mustn't expect to be pleas'd with their faces : nated " Puzzle-Wits :" many are called honourable, because they purchase permission to speak in a great house at West- minster ; — the majority of whom are dignified with the title of "Yeas and Noes:" — and others are called right honourable, because they belong to a squad of chatterers who occupy certain benches therein ; — these have obtained the appellation - of " Ear-ticklers :" — but there is very little Ciceronian energy to be found among the whole of them | — indeed the brightest rhetorical stars of the present era are only of the second magnitude. And though the harmonical professor, who made the speech above quoted, is neither dignified with the title of the learned, the honourable, or the right honourable gentleman, I think it will cut a striking fign re among the most brilliant extempore effusions of the day; — those of the facetious G**»ge C*nn**g and the eminent Tom Crib, — the luminous Bragge B*th**st, and the eloquent last dying speech vender, — not even excepted. Editor. D 2 76 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. "And who doesn't know that they cant sing with- out them? Who ? — nobody surely who knows much about 'em ! " Hem ! — Ladies and Gentlemen ! ev'ry one knows " That I like to exhibit whate'er I compose ; " And most willingly therefore, I'd tip you a stave " On the grand Diapason, harmoniously grave ! " But unless weVe the Choristers, I musn't play ! 41 And without us, alas ! can the Clergymen pray,— 44 Read the portions of scripture call'd lessons, — or preach, — " Or the truths of Divine Christianity teach ? — " Unassisted by mine, or my deputy's aid, " They'd a sad piece of work of it make, I'm afraid ! "And the bellows- bio w'r even,— tho' last in the list, "Would, as soon as the Bishop, I fancy, be miss'd ! " Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen ! let me request 4i That your sad disappointment, you'll coolly digest! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 77 " And believe me, I'd fly in the dark, — as a Bat would ! " To do a kind act, — or I'm not Tommy At***d t* Vrom the Loft, whence the Organ's harmonical sounds Fill the stately Cathedral's reverberant bounds ; This extempore brilliant effusion proceeded ; — And, like many sermons, it wasn't much heeded * * The Sol fa gentleman, seems from his speech to have studied the works and imitated the stile of the earliest wri- ttrs of antiquity, such as Theseus and Hercules among the Romans, or Romulus and Croesus among the Greeks. I shall not however take the trouble to investigate the question as to which of these authors he has adopted for his model :— but leave the discussion of it to the learned Di\ Busby, the nevt r to be forgotten Monologue writer for Drury Lane Theatre, and celebrated translator of Lucretius out of the original tongue. He is no doubt well versed in the learned languages, as they are called;— though Mr. Cobbett disputes their claim lo that appellation, because he does not understand them himself, I suppose. But I wish it to be clearly understood that 1 do not decline the enquiry from d3 78 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Hear now the excuse of these clerical gentry ! " We couldn't get in without forcing an entry ! A feast at the London, or Mansion-house rout, Would have claim'd more attention, I have not a doubt ! To be sure 'tis a hardship to pray for a sinner V But who minds a squeeze, to obtain a good dinner?* any inability to undertake the ta$k ; on the contrary, I can say with confidence, that my classical erudition renders me peculiarly fit for such a purpose. Witness the Vox Ccelorum, Vox Dei, — Judicium Astrologicum 9 — and Vox Stellarum, which are so conspicuously displayed in every annual edition of my celebrated almanack. Apropos ! — I have also made a great discovery within a short time past, which wiil be highly creditable to this in- tellectual age. I rind that one Virgil, who wrote about 2000 years ago, was a great astrologer ; — and that, aided by his knowledge of the stellar influences, he wrote a Poem called the Geokgicks, which is a faithful history o( the great Georges who have reigned over this count* y during the last century. Editor. * It appears that the ordinary clerical duty of the day de- volved on the Rev. Dr. H — , as the officiating minor canon for the month j— who, feeling some little difficulty in approaching THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 79 Now enter 'd his lordship, the May'r of the City ! His name ? — you may ask ; — I'll inform you, 'tis Kitty !* This edifice noble,— this Show-booth renown'd, — He had heard, — by the mob would be raz'd to the ground ! But, no mob at a Church, or at Mansion-house Ball, Or at Bartlemy Fair, could his lordship appal ! Has he not gaily quafPd the cool Tankard with Newman ? Delectable sip !— fertile source of Acumen ! f his desk, in consequence of the numerous congregation as- sembled, retired in dudgeon. A passage to it was however, shortly cleared, when neither him, nor any of the clergy be- longing to the Cathedral were to be found. Edit. * Kitty I suppose is a contraction of Christopher, Edit. t Mr. Blazon here seems to allude to an animal custom observt-d in the City, when the Lord Mayor, on his road to Smithfield for k the purpose of proclaiming the commence- ment of Bartholomew^Fair, stops at the Keeper of New 80 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Thence, hasn't he stray'd with the mob, to the field Where, by William of Walworth, Wat Tyler, was kilFd ? And has he not shone in the Ball-Room at Easter ? That civical squeeze for Miss, Mistress and Mister ! He, therefore, was quite in his element, when He appear'd in Saint Paul's at the head of his men ! Yet he little suppos'd, that the Clergy alone Were to blame, for the mischievous acts that were done ! That their duty, if they had perform'd, — no complaint — Would have given, the atmosphere sacred, a taint ! So he calmly endeavoured to soften and soothe, — And his accents thus flow'd, as a summer-stream smooth ! gate's House, and partakes of what is technically called " a cool Tankard'' with him. But Mr. B. is incorrect with regard to the name : the cool Tankard must have been quaffed with Mr. Brown, the present Governor of New- gate : — Mr. Newman having retired from that office. The continuance of this custom is another proof of the intellectual refinement of the age ! Edit. Tttfc AG£ OF IttTfcLLfcdT. 81 * I am pleas'd to observe, tho' our loss be severe ! " An assemblage, so highly respectable here! " It displays your regard for the treasure we've lost ! " And it marks your regret that our hopes have been cross'd! " Let me therefore request that you'll patiently wait, " With devotion sincere, — with demeanour sedate, — u Till the service can be with convenience begun; " Which, I think I can promise, will shortly be done.' , The people, thus pacified, patiently ponder'd,- - Yet, whence the delay arose, all of them wonder'd ! Till time turn'd his glass, and poor patience ex- hausted, — Confusion again, the cathedral o'ercast did!* * I am rather surprised that Mr. B. should have forgotten to mention the attendance of Sir William Curtis, with Mr. Alderman Christopher Smith, the then Lord Mayor, for the purpose of quelling this tumult in our Metropolitan Cathedral: and the more so, because the honourable and worthy Alderman and Baronet, made a very elegant speech on the occasion. The native eloquence of a strong mind 82 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Thus his eloquent speech only made matters worse ; Giving clamour's coarse clappers additional force ! Till again did his lordship, his audience address, "With the view of attempting their rage to repress ! " Let me beg, — let me humbly iutreat, — let me pray,— " That you'll turn your attention to what I've to say! " I lament it indeed ; • but the fiat of fate " Has unhappily made it my duty to state, " That weve carefully searched the cathedral around, — 1 ' And no person to chant, pray, or preach can be found ! spurns at grammatical precision, and gives birth to expres- sions which sometimes appear bordering on absurdity; — but honest John Bull is justly famous for saying what comes upper- most. " Go home, go home good people and get your dinners, I'm sure you must want 'em, fori want mine. — I measure jour corn by ray bushel, and your bellies by my own; — therefore I say, go home, go home, good people." Is not this sound logic, polished diction, and fascinating rhetoric? and are not the Citizens of London entitled to the highest commendation for having elected so brilliant a luminary of elocutionary talent, (as Thellwall calls it) to represent them in five successive parliaments ? Edit. THE AGE OF INTELLECT* 83 u Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen, let me exhort " You, no longer this riotous scene to support : " But return to your homes, where I hope you will find " That ineffable blessing, contentment of mind !* Again rear'd her red arms hissing-hot indignation! And, darting at random, struck calm meditation! Who glided away from the turbulent scene ;— Ljjce attendant funereal, — dejected in mien ! While her missiles the former irascibly sent All around her, like furies who never relent !— Soon, — the weak would have sunk to repose in the tomb, Rad'nt sanctity breath'd her commands from the dome ; * The shameful conduct of the clerical gentlemen belong- ing to this establishment was certainly unknown to his lord- ship at the time he made his first speech. When however, he discovered that none of the Drones attached to the place were to be found, he proposed that his own chaplain should perform the duty. But this it appears was impracticable from a point of etiquette. Editor. 84 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. And, the raging of fell animosity, sooth'd ; — As the waves, by the juice of the olive are smooth'd. Thus, my friend, I've with pencil prosodian pour- tray'd, Here, — with brilliance illum'd, — there, — envelop' d in shade, An event, — which the painter's bold colours in vain Shall attempt to record, — or his canvass contain! For his colours will fade, — his materials will rot, — Ere oblivion its traces memorial shall blot ! An events — which shall mark the historical page, When the sculptor's proud marble is moulder'd by age ! An event, — which the medallist even shall view, (Some three thousand years hence, deeply vers'd in vertdy) And with doubt scan the figures imprest by the die ; As the likeness we trace in the clouds of the sky ! For the Medal shall e'en be corroded by rust; And again be reduc'd to its primitive dust I THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 85 An event, — which, till Britain's fine language expire, — Shall distinctly resound on my rhythmical lyre ! And until the divine typographical art, Through the Waters of Lethe, far hence shall depart! Till the pen shall be lost, — till the muses shall sleep! And the sciences silent, repose in the deep ! Until Europe is barren, like African sands !- And dissolv'd are completely, society's bands ! Till her towns are in ruins, — all verdure destroy' d! And like chaos, — of good and of evil devoid ! Till the sun from this globe shall his radiance with- draw! By the Fiat Divine !— an inscrutable law ! While'er man shall the chaplet of poesy wreathe ! May the lyre of Britannia delectably breathe !!! And while seraphs, the works of the universe, gaze on ! I hope you'll be blest with a friend in Bob Blazon. LETTER IV. FROM JACK JINGLE IN THE COUNTRY, TO BOB BLAZON IN LONDON. * Oh that Estates, Degrees, and Offices, "Were not detived corruptly ;— and that clear honour " Were pui chas'd by the merit of the wearer. * How many then would cover, who stand bare! '• How many be commanded,— who command! "How much low peasantry would then be glean'd * From .the true seed of honour ! And how much honour " Pick'd from the chaff aud rnin of the times, " To be new varnish'd !* -Shakespeare. Dear Bob, Your rhyme delights me, — try your hand, The public ne'er will scout it ; Such clergy-folk deserve the brand And should not' scape without it. THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 87 But let your censure not be mark d By indiscrimination ; To punish ev'ry dog that bark'd, Would not become your station. Your muse I'd have to truth attend, Superior 'tis to fiction ; And all her efforts 'twill defend, From spiteful contradiction. Give praises too, where praise is due ; But humble haunts are merit's ; In cots obscure, conceal'd from view, She, poverty inherits ! Or, seek her where you are, in town, — You'll find her in a garret : Not preaching flatt'ry to the crown, Or, prating like a parrot : 88 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. But deep involv'd in thought profound, — Fair learning's sphere extending! And while the seasons whirl around, No earthly soul offending! In scenes like these, you'll only find Meek Merit take her station ! She seldom greets the lofty mind, Or stately occupation ! Therefore, whene'er she meet your eye, In strains harmonious hail her: * But let your darts at foLy fly ; — Impetuously assail her ! And while the sun his course shall run, Delighting dale, or dingle ; Until my breath is stopt by death ! Believe me your's J. Jingle. LETTER V. FROM BOB BLAZON TO JACK JINGLE. " Scribimus indocti, doctlque poemata passim.'* Hor. 1 Curate he had none, " Nor durst he trust another with his care ; " Nor rode himself to Paul's, — the public fair, ** To chaffer for preferment with his gold, " Where bishopricks and sinecures are sold/' Dryden. My Dear Jack, Of a shocking disorder, I've read,— Which is deem'd epidemic, —its seat is the head! It is call'd — " Cacoethes scribendi" — by wits; — And it rarely to stuff pharmaceutick submits. That it also existed in ages remote, We are taught to believe by an author of note,* * Juv. 7 Sat. 90 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. Whose satirical qualities ev'ry one knows, Whoe'er tasted the stream that from Helicon flows. But the modern disorder contagious appears, — Yet the mask of variety constantly wears ; So that those who endeavour, its symptoms, to mark, Are like people, when groping their way in the dark! I'm however, inform'd that 'tis like a complaint, — The Scotch Fiddle, y'clept, — a cuticular taint : Thus you'll note their similitude ; — if you begin With your fingers, to scratch, on your paper or skin ; You canirever refrain from desiring to scrape, — Till the blood or the brains from their cellars escape ! Now this shocking disease I imagine I've caught, And t'has turn'd topsy-turvy my tablets of thought : — Yet impossible 'tis to promulgate its name Without breaking my teeth, or distorting ray frame ! THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 91 " Cacoetkes scribendi /"— what musical ear Can such zig-zag ton'd, crabbed form'd, rugged words bear ? But the doctors in London have got such a knack Of amusing their patients with this sort of clack ; That, whenever they deign to examine your pulse, Your auricular nerves they are sure to convulse, With their dog-latin-lingo , and chemical phrases, Which suit to a tittle all manner of cases : And, — preaching some new-fangled medical creed, — While your veins are inflated,— your pockets they bleed! Now if this unspeakable scribbling disease, Which so prone is, our organs of hearing, to teaze, Has infected thee also ; — all England will say, That the poison, my rhythmical strains did convey. 92 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. So, the bane if I sent,— I'll the antidote give ! And my honour 'twill probably somewhat retrieve ! Take of sulphur, a pound; — tho' it nauseously smells, — Its effluvium, all maladies itching, repels ! Get it properly mix'd with a quantum of lard, So as neither to make it too soft, or too hard : In an earthen-ware pipkin, then place it to boil, On a fire that would brighten hilarity's smile; And before it ignites, take it carefully off; — Or 'twill probably cause an extempore cough. Then, your scratches, that aid iEsculapian require ; - Or, such as an ill-temper*d muse would inspire, — Like a chicken while roasting, expose to the fire. Heated thus, rub 'em o'er with the brimstone and lard; And your labour will probably gain its reward, — THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 93 If you swallow what's left! — wrap in flannel, your head, — And retiring, compose yourself warmly in bed ! What dye think of my plan ? — w'as there ever in- vented A finer potation for bards discontented ? — And are there not persons enough in this nation, Opprest with the mania of versification, — Who ought to be highly oblig'd to my noddle, For teaching them how such a potion to coddle t* * The scribbling propensity of the present age is often talked of, and yet I am inclined to attribute the source of the remark to the same saturnine, dissatisfied temperament of the mind which produces that common every day observation of the vulgar — u those who can live in these hard times may live for ever!" — a phrase similar to which we can trace so far back as what we now call "the golden days of good Queen Bess. , ' My opiuion is founded on an assertion of Martinius Scriblerus, who complains that in his days, " Paper was so cheap, and Printers so numerous, that a deluge of writers covered the land." Now the price of that article has been advanced since that time at least 500 per cent j — and yet the evtf if it be one, still increases. The public ought therefore 94 THE AGE OF INTELLECT. 'Tis however now proper to say somewhat more Of this eminent town, and its clerical store: For, I've much to communicate ; — wonders I find, Each diurnal rotation, intrude on the mind ! When, to church 1 resort, — 'tis with sorrowful eye That I witness reproach, to its servants apply : — That the seats, I perceive, are converted to Pews, To accommodate pride, and the covetous views Of the pamper'd divine, — who devotedly clings More to temporal goods, than to spiritual things !* to be indeed highly obliged to Mr. Blazon for his invaluable intellectual Recipe I * This is a matter of serious regret to the reflecting mind. A faculty to enclose a Pew is obtained without difficulty, on payment of the ecclesiastical fees which are demanded for such permission. But it should not be so. The inha- bitants of eyery Parish have the same kind of right to ac- commodation in their Parochial Churches, 'as they have to a few acres of common land within their precinct*'* Yet the latter cannot be legally enclost d or altered without the au- thority of Parliament ; whilst, the clergy have exercised the power of infringing on those rights with impunity. Thus encroachments have be