A. DU SOUCHET 
 
 UC-NRLF 
 
N ME MORI AM 
 
 
 1864-1941 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA 
 
 H yarcfcal domefcg fn ^bree Bets 
 
 BY 
 
 H. A.^DU SOUCHET 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1894, BY H. A. Du SOUCHET 
 
 CAUTION.-rAll persons are hereby warned that "My Friend From 
 India." being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United 
 States, is subject to royalty, and anyone presenting the play without 
 the consent of the owners or their authorized agent, will be liable to 
 the penalties by law provided. Application for stage rights must be 
 made to Samuel French. 28-30 West 38th Street. New York. 
 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 
 
 NEW YORK 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
 28-30 WEST 38xH STREET 
 
 LONDON 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 
 
 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 
 
 STRAND 
 
?s 
 
 $? 
 
 "MY FEIEND FROM INDIA" 
 
 BY H. A. Du SOUCHET. 
 
 ORIGINAL CAST 
 
 AUGUSTUS KEENE SHAVEB Walter E. Perkins 
 
 EEASTUS UNDEBHOLT Frederick Bond 
 
 CHAELIE UNDEEHOLT Edward S. Abeles 
 
 TOM VALENTINE Charles Arthur 
 
 REV. JAMES TWEEDLE Joseph Adelman 
 
 JENNINGS Frank G. Parry 
 
 BILL FINNERTY John Finn 
 
 MAEIAN HAYSTE Marion Giroux 
 
 ABABELLA BEEKMAN STBEETE .... Helen Reimer 
 
 GEETIE UNDEEHOLT Louise Galloway 
 
 BEENICE UNDEEHOLT Kenyon Bishop 
 
 TILLY May Yokes 
 
 First produced Friday, Sept, 4th, 1896, at Elizabeth, N. J. 
 Opened at Bijou Theater, New York, Tuesday, Oct. 6th, 
 1896. 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTER 
 
 AUGUSTUS KEENE SHAVEB, "my friend from India" 
 
 EEASTUS UNDEBHOLT, a retired porkpacker 
 
 CHABLIE UHDEBHOLT, his son 
 
 TOM VALENTINE, Charley's friend 
 
 REV. JAMES TWEEDLE, a missionary 
 
 JENNINGS, a servant 
 
 BILL FINNEBTY (A policeman) 
 
 MAEIAN HAYSTE, Charlie's affianced 
 
 MBS. ABABELLA BEEKM AN- STBEETE, a widow 
 
 BEENICE UNDEBHOLT, ) , , , ^ 
 
 GEBTIE UNDEBHOLT, \ daughters of Erastus 
 
 TILLY, a maid 
 
 PLACE: New York. TIME: Present. 
 
 2 
 
MY 1'KIEND FROM INDIA. 3 
 
 PEOPEETIES 
 
 ACT I 
 
 Demijohn 
 
 Dust pan and brush 
 
 Music on piano 
 
 Newspaper 
 
 Small statue 
 
 Yellow bowl 
 
 Cracked ice 
 
 Towel 
 
 Tap bell 
 
 Book 
 
 Book <<Light of Asia" 
 
 Loud check suit 
 
 Big coat, trousers and hat 
 
 Photo of Charlie 
 
 Coins 
 
 Check-book 
 
 Checks 
 
 Bills 
 
 Letter 
 
 Footstool 
 
 Glass crash 
 
 Bottle Apollinaris 
 
 Glasses 
 
 Tray 
 
 Hat, cane, light overcoat 
 
 Handbills. (One reads: "Thompson's Seafoam shaving 
 soap," another: "The conclave, convex wire-edged, 
 laminated razor," another : "The safety-razor must go 
 Grand Rally meeting to be addressed by our fellow- 
 artists, the talented orator Augustus Keene Shaver.") 
 
 M16S021 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 ACT II 
 
 Broken mirror glass 
 
 Large glass in frame for screen 
 
 Large dress box 
 
 2 dresses and hats alike 
 
 Fan 
 
 Dress-suit case 
 
 Hat box 
 
 6 yellow gowns 
 
 6 books, "Light of Asia" 
 
 6 newspapers alike 
 
 Yellow scarf for screen 
 
 Newspaper for Erastus 
 
 Newspaper for Tweedle 
 
 Sofa pillows 
 
 List of names 
 
 PROPERTIES 
 
 ACT III 
 
 Silver tray 
 
 Bottle of whiskey 
 
 Glasses 
 
 Syphon of Seltzer 
 
 Champagne bottle 
 
 Glasses 
 
 High-ball 
 
 Large glass with ice in it 
 
 Xote for Charlie 
 
 Tap bell on table 
 
 Pen, ink and check-book on table 
 
 2 photos for Mrs. B. S. 
 
 Piano, piano-lamp, chandelier 
 
 1 Big cigar 
 
 Invitations, about 50 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA 
 
 ACT I 
 
 SCENE: Library in Residence of ERASTUS UNDER- 
 HOLT. Madison Ave., New York City. 
 
 Set in dark colors. Massive library furniture. 
 Pen, ink, paper, books and tap bell on table R. 
 Bell cord on flat R. Stand or wire holder for 
 large dictionary. Newspapers on large round 
 ottoman c. Photo in frame on chiffonier L. of 
 piano R. Small-sofa L. c., chairs, etc. 
 
 DISCOVERED: TILLY, posing before mirror in 
 screen. She dances about stage and when at 
 screen again, kicks high. Has feather-duster 
 in her hand. 
 
 TILLY. Der boss told me I put my foot through 
 dot screen if I don't look out but I fool him. 
 (kicks) (BELL is heard off R.) Dot bells rings all 
 der time (down R.) But nobody ever comes by der 
 house who is der kind Mr. Underholt wants (runs 
 up to c. and pokes duster in JENNINGS' face) 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS, followed ly MARIAN c. door 
 from L.) 
 
 JENNINGS, (recovering) Did Miss Gertrude re- 
 turn from her bicycle ride ? 
 
 TILLY. Yah she was upstairs mit her skirt danc- 
 ing professor dancing on one foot already 
 
 5 
 
6 MY.. FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 (Imitates, and after striking attitude, loses her bal- 
 ance and falls in JENNINGS' arms.) 
 
 MABIAN. (comes down L. of ottomm L. c.) 
 Don't let me interrupt her I'll wait till she has 
 finished. 
 
 JENNINGS. (E. c.) Perhaps Miss Bernice 
 
 TILLY. (R.) She is taking her Delsarte lessons. 
 
 (Imitates and walks into chair E. at of table.) 
 
 JENNINGS. I'm sorry, Miss 
 
 MAEIAN. Not at all I'll wait until they are 
 disengaged (JENNINGS bows and Exits door c. 
 to L. TILLY remains dusting. Aside) And per- 
 haps get a chance to see Charlie, (aloud) Is Mr. 
 Underholt in ? 
 
 TILLY. Yah he is downstairs in der cellar mit 
 der gas man he said dot his gas bills is too large 
 every day. 
 
 MAEIAN. No, I mean his son. 
 
 TILLY. Oh, you mean Mr. Charlie? He is in 
 his room dere (coming c. Points L.) I think dot 
 he was drunk again last night. 
 
 MAEIAN. Drunk ? 
 
 TILLY. Yah he gets drunk every Tuesday regu- 
 lar, and den sometimes he won't get up till to-mor- 
 row especially, if he breaks one of dem windows. 
 
 MAEIAN. Windows? What do you mean? 
 
 TILLY. Every time dot he gets filled up mit kim- 
 mel, he breaks one of dem big windows what dey 
 have by der stores in front, and den der boss sends 
 the bill by his father, and he has to pay for dem all 
 the times, (resumes dusting) 
 
 MAEIAN. (near mantel L V aside) That accounts 
 for his not writing to me since our engagement at 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 7 
 
 Richfield Springs, (sees photo on mantel L.) His 
 photograph just like him he does look worried. 
 Poor, dear fellow 
 
 TILLY. Oxcuse me ! (about to exit R. u. E.) 
 
 MARIAN*, (to TILLY) How long do the Delsarte 
 lessons generally last? 
 
 TILLY, (coming c. "back of them} Not very 
 long sometimes dem girls don't like dem at all 
 only dey must take dem, so dot if dey ever get in 
 society, dey would be accomplished more highly den 
 dey are now yet. (confidentially) But dey don't 
 get into society, und Mr. Underholt he's disgusted 
 already, yet. 
 
 MARIAN, (aside) This girl talks 
 
 TILLY. Yah und he says dot if dey don't get 
 into society pooty quick, he sells out everything und 
 goes back by Kansas City. 
 
 MARIAN, (aside) She's positively entertaining. 
 
 TILLY. Miss Bernice has got a fellow what don't 
 get no society und Mr. Charlie has got a girl what 
 don't get none either, so I heard der old man tell 
 dem dey must give dem up dot it was society or 
 bust, (going R.) Now I'll see if dey are finished 
 mit dose Delsartes yet. (starts R. u. E. a la Del- 
 sarte, stumbles and exits R. u. E. up steps) 
 
 MARIAN. Society! That accounts for it what 
 an old tyrant he must be! (at photo) An idea 
 as Hamlet says: "Assume a virtue, if you have it 
 not." Charlie, I'll have society you shall see that 
 a woman's heart is an equal match for a domineer- 
 ing old father's foolishness. Farewell, honesty and 
 love welcome, sham and Society! (walks about 
 with lorgnette, extravagantly stylish, gets to R. of 
 stage) 
 
 (Enter GERTIE R. u. E. from steps.) 
 GERTIE, (comes down on her L., takes "both Tier 
 
g MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 hands) Hello, Marian what an old bore that danc- 
 ing master is the only redeeming feature about the 
 whole business is the high kick, (crosses c. Kicks) 
 
 MARIAN. I can beat (starts to kick and re- 
 covers) 
 
 MARIAN. (L. c. Aside) I nearly forgot my 
 society, (aloud) I'm so glad I have at last found 
 time to call 
 
 GERTIE. Found time ! If I'd known where you 
 lived, I'd have made time. It's a whole month since 
 we left you at the Springs Come, sit down (both 
 sit on ottoman) Now, tell me all about yourself. 
 
 MARIAN. (R. of GERTIE) There's really nothing 
 to tell it's the same old story I'm at home Thurs- 
 days and have so many calls that it takes all the rest 
 of the week to repay them (aside) If I hold this 
 arm still much longer, I'll break it. 
 
 GERTIE. Well, I shall certainly call on you next 
 Thursday. 
 
 MARIAN. No don't come Thursday there is 
 such a crush I'll stay in between half-past one and 
 a quarter to two on Friday; just especially to see 
 you come then, and we can have a nice long chat ! 
 
 GERTIE. Long? Fifteen minutes! Oh, I forgot 
 this is New York in Kansas City, we used to go 
 and spend a week Bernice likes New York, but 
 society or no society, give me Kansas City, hogs 
 and all. 
 
 MARIAN. By the way how's Miss Underholt? 
 
 GERTIE. Miss ? Oh Bernice she's at the Acad- 
 emy taking her riding lesson (imitates) Sits 
 like this but in Kansas City we used to ride Old 
 Hickory without a saddle and when he got frisky 
 we used to lean forward and hug him. (rises, 
 imitates) It wasn't so stylish, but it was a darn 
 sight more fun! (MARIAN rises) 
 
 MARIAN, (aside) If she don't stop telling the 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 9 
 
 truth, I'll forget all about my society! (crosses 
 L. c.) 
 
 GERTIE, (c.) You used to be a "girl" at the 
 Springs just like I was 
 
 MARIAN. Vacation, my dear a society woman 
 needs the rest just as much as a business man but 
 the summer's over, and we'll all be back in the so- 
 cial swim again. 
 
 GERTIE. Swim ? It'll drown me, I know ! Pop's 
 nothing but a big boy, and I don't want to be any- 
 thing but a girl like mother was. 
 
 MARIAN. You'll see it in a different light when 
 you get older. 
 
 GERTIE. Perhaps I will but I don't want to. 
 (starting up R.) Come in the reception room, and 
 I'll show you some pictures of our old home in 
 Kansas City before mother died. 
 
 (Exit GERTIE and MARIAN R. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 (Enter BERNICE in riding habit and ERASTUS L. c. 
 door from L. TILLY enters from stairs R. u. E., 
 meets ERASTUS, who is reading newspaper.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (to TILLY) Will you get out of my 
 way? (TILLY runs off c. to L.) 
 
 BERNICE. (crosses down R., removing her hat) 
 I'm thoroughly put out. 
 
 ERASTUS. (coming down c.) Why, you should 
 be put out before you have succeeded in getting in, 
 is more than I can understand. 
 
 BERNICE. This is no joking matter, papa 
 
 ERASTUS. Pretty expensive joke it's been to me 
 (sits on ottoman, reading) 
 
 BERNICE. These society people are very friendly 
 when one meets them outside but just as we think 
 we are firmly established in their esteem, that is 
 just the time (sits impatiently L. of table K.) 
 
10 MY FRIEXD FRt)M INDIA. 
 
 ERASTUS. We get left say, it, my dear "Left" 
 is the word. 
 
 BEENICE. I've cultivated Bella Van Puyster for 
 months we have been companions at the Riding 
 Academy daily I had begun to think she really 
 liked me she certainly professed to when now 
 she gives a reception and I am ignored snubbed. 
 
 ERASTUS. Snored snubbed ignubbed I mean 
 ignored snubbed I rode, down on the elevated with 
 old Yan Puyster only yesterday he was very friendly 
 laughed, joked and chatted all the way but never 
 a word about this "blow-out" to-night (rises and 
 crosses L.) 
 
 BEEXICE. '(rises aside) "Blow-out"! It's all 
 his fault, anyhow I'm almost ashamed of him my- 
 self, (goes up R. c.) 
 
 ERASTUS. As a business proposition, it is about 
 the worst I ever struck. Here we've spent years, 
 and there's no telling how many thousand dollars 
 and we're no nearer society than we was when we 
 started in 
 
 BERXICE. (coming down and sitting same as be- 
 fore. Sitting R.) I confess I'm getting dis- 
 couraged. 
 
 ERASTUS. And I'm getting disgusted if we 
 don't make some headway pooty soon, I'll sell out the 
 whole darn shebang and move the tribe back to 
 Kansas City, (sits c. on ottoman) 
 
 (Enter GERTIE R. u. E. from below stairs.) 
 
 GERTIE. What's the matter, Pop? (down back of 
 ERASTUS, arms around his neck.) 
 BERNICE. Don't say "Pop!" 
 GERTIE. What's the matter, pa-pa, dear? 
 
 (Enter MARIAX R. u. E. from below stairs. She 
 remains up and listens.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. U 
 
 ERASTUS. Stop it stop it 
 
 BERNICE. (seated) The Van Puysters give a 
 reception to-night, and we are not invited that's 
 all. 
 
 GERTIE. Pooh I'm going 
 
 ERASTUS and BERNICE. What? 
 
 GERTIE. To stay at home. 
 
 BERNICE and ERASTUS. Oh ! 
 
 GERTIE, (coming L. c.) I've got a scheme Pop's 
 rich he's subscribed to all the charities and all that 
 why can't we get up a society all to ourselves? 
 
 BERNICE. What are you talking about? 
 
 GERTIE. Society, of course ! It will be very select 
 we will call it "The Society for the Prevention of 
 Cruelty to Social Aspirants." Won't that be nice? 
 It would do ever so much good, (crosses to L. of 
 BERNICE) 
 
 (Enter TILLY c. from L. and takes footstool. from 
 under ERASTUS' foot and exits to L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (chases her off L. and comes down R.) 
 Put me down for a million ! Stop her stop her 
 
 MARIAN, (coming down) Pardon my intrusion. 
 (shakes hands high with BERNICE and ERASTUS) 
 You will forgive me, I know, but I do so want to be 
 your friend. I learned to love and esteem you all 
 at the Springs. Perhaps I can be of service to 
 you I know everyone in the social world worth 
 knowing (tearing letter) There is proof of my 
 sincerity my invitation to the Van Puyster's re- 
 ception I was an unwilling listener to your con- 
 versation just now, and nothing could induce me 
 to go now an affront to a dear friend is always an 
 affront to me. I will reserve my new gown for your 
 debut, and will never wear it else. Do you accept? 
 (offers hand) 
 
 GERTIE, (crosses to BERNICE, then crosses to 
 
12 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 MARIAN, throws arms around her neck and kisses 
 her) Oh, you dear, good girl ! How sweet of you ! 
 (crosses to ERASTUS, c.) 
 
 BERNICE. Miss Hayste, I'm sure we are deeply 
 sincere in our appreciation of your kindness, (hand- 
 shaking business and GIELS retire up R., joined by 
 GERTIE who remains on their L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (in front of sofa aside) And that's 
 the girl I told Charlie he couldn't marry Egad, I 
 didn't know she was a Xabob or a Nabobess She 
 may help us in this society business, (aloud) Say, 
 there you, Miss Hayste I think if we could get 
 together, I might make a deal with you. (starts 
 up R.) 
 
 BERNICE. (interrupting) We'll retire to the 
 drawing-room our conversation will not interest 
 you. (to MARIAN) Don't mind papa he is 
 
 (Exit MARIAX and BERXICE R. u. E. GERTIE watches 
 ERASTUS, who sits on ottoman, hurt at the 
 slight.) 
 
 MARIAN, (as they exit) Oh, I should like to talk 
 to Mr. Underholt 
 
 GERTIE, (comes down behind him) Dear old 
 Pop! 
 
 ERASTUS. That's right Pop plain Pop P-O-P. 
 I don't know what's the matter with Bernice lately 
 cut me out of my pipe, and now she wants me to 
 smoke those paper things This family is going to 
 get into society as a whole but you and I, sweet- 
 heart, will sneak out of it once in a while and sit 
 on the earth like we did in Kansas City. There, 
 run along now and join in the conversation that 
 "don't interest me." (throws down paper) I've 
 read that damned paper three times already. 
 
 GERTIE. If it don't interest you, Pop, it doesn't 
 interest me. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 13 
 
 ERASTUS. But it does interest me only Bernice 
 don't think so. She will see some day. (crosses R.) 
 Come over to the piano and sing something to me. 
 (goes to upper end of piano R.) 
 
 GERTIE, (crosses R. back of ottoman) What shall 
 I sing? 
 
 ERASTUS. Not from "choppin" or "Beethoven" 
 play something I know. 
 
 GERTSE. (at piano R.) Do you remember this? 
 (she plays strain of "When You and I Were Young, 
 Maggie") 
 
 (Enter TILLY c. door from R. Picks up paper from 
 ottoman.) 
 
 ERASTUS. That's what I call music good music 
 Kansas City music. ( TILLY offers paper) ERAS- 
 TUS grabs paper, backs TILLY to c.) I've read that 
 until I'm black in the face. Will you be kind enough 
 to mind your own business? You are exclusively 
 minister of German affairs, and nothing else. 
 
 TILLY. I think dot I go back by Kansas City. 
 (coming to R. of ottoman puts paper on it) 
 
 ERASTUS. (following her. Gradually works up 
 into a fury) And don't mention Kansas City again. 
 I've been trying to forget it for the past three years ; 
 but you remember it breakfast, dinner and supper; 
 I believe you wake up in the middle of the night 
 and yap about Kansas City. 
 
 GERTIE, (rises, goes to him. Trying to pacify 
 him) Pop's getting cross yes, you are. 
 
 ERASTUS. No, I'm not but I've spent too much 
 money to look on this thing as a joke. 
 
 TILLY. When I said Kansas City 
 
 ERASTUS. Don't say (turns and stumbles over 
 her) Get out (sees JENNINGS) 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS c. from L.) 
 
14 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 There's another one of them. The house is full of 
 them! 
 
 ( TILLY runs up and off c. to L V meeting JENNINGS 
 and turning him around as he enters c. doors 
 from L.) (R. c. to JENNINGS.) 
 Is my son up? 
 
 JENNINGS. I think not, sir. (crosses to door L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (picks up statue from piano, R.) Well, 
 I'll wake him. 
 
 GERTIE. (R.) Look out, Pop. 
 
 ERASTUS. What's the matter? 
 
 GERTIE, (holding his arm) You may break the 
 statue, (takes it from him, replaces it on piano) 
 
 ERASTUS. You've got more brains than the whole 
 family put together. Jennings, you wake him I'll 
 go down in the cellar and see if the gas meter is 
 still gaining time. 
 
 (Exits R. u. E. JENNINGS starts and knocks at door 
 
 L. 1.) 
 
 GERTIE, (coming c. above ottoman) Jennings 
 (he crosses to her c.) Don't wake him Per- 
 haps he came in late last night and you know how 
 it is yourself, (at c. door, then exits c. to door R.) 
 
 JENNINGS. Perhaps he came in late! I was up 
 till two o'clock, and he hadn't arrived then 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE door L. 1.) 
 
 Good morning, sir. 
 
 CHARLIE. Is it? I'm glad of that it was a 
 pretty bad night. Jennings, fetch me a bottle of 
 Apollinaris and a bowl of cracked ice. 
 
 (Exit JENNINGS c. to L.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 15 
 
 Where did I get him? How did he come here in 
 my bed? Kicked me out of bed during his restless 
 slumbers Don't think I ever saw him before let me 
 think the last I remember was going into the 
 Hoffman House about eleven, and then it's no use 
 trying to use this to think with now 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS c. from L. with tray, bottle and 
 bowl of ice, comes c.) 
 
 Set them on the table. (JENNINGS starts L.) Hold 
 on you won't give me away to the Governor, will 
 you? 
 
 JENNINGS. Certainly not, sir. (puts tray on table 
 R. Gives CHARLIE a drink) 
 
 CHARLIE. (Gives him a coin) There's a man in 
 there, (bus.) 
 
 JENNINGS. A man, sir 
 
 CHARLIE. And the worst of it is I don't know 
 who he is, or how the deuce he came here 
 
 JENNINGS. This sounds like a case for the police. 
 
 CHARLIE. Not so bad as that. Take a look and 
 see if you recognize him. 
 
 JENNINGS, (crosses ~L., peeps in door L. 1 E.) 
 Never cast eyes on him before, sir. 
 
 CHARLIE. Fetch his clothes out here we may 
 find something by which to identify him. 
 
 (Exit JENNINGS door L. 1. Re-enters with clothes. 
 CHARLIE crosses R., takes another drink while 
 JENNINGS gets clothes) 
 
 JENNINGS, (searching pants) No harm in going 
 through them, is there ? 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c. Searching in vest) No; we 
 must find out who he is it would be very awkward 
 if he should awake and I didn't know the name 
 of my guest. 
 
16 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 JENNINGS. Ah you've been at it again, sir and 
 after the awful row you had with your father the 
 last time. 
 
 CHARLIE. That's just it things have reached a 
 crisis. If the Governor gets on to last night's racket, 
 he will fire me out bodily. This fellow, whoever he 
 is, has got to help me lie out of it. (finds paper) 
 What's this? (reads) Thompson's Sea Foam 
 Shaving Soap, (same business) The Concave, 
 Convex, Wire-edge, Laminated Razor (same 
 business) The Safety Razor must go Grand rally 
 meeting to be addressed by our fellow-artist, the 
 talented orator, Augustus Keene Shaver nothing 
 to show who he is yet. 
 
 JENNINGS. Here's something heavy in his coat 
 pocket. 
 
 CHAELIE. Let's see (takes book) "The Light 
 of Asia." It's well thumbed he's evidently read it 
 many times, from its appearance. (suddenly) 
 One of those theosophical cranks 
 
 JENNINGS. What's the light of Asia ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Don't you know what the "Light of 
 Asia" is? 
 
 JENNINGS. Kerosene, I suppose they're hardly 
 up to gas yet. 
 
 CHARLIE, (suddenly) By Jingo, an idea! If 
 this fellow is up in theosophy, I'll (to JENNINGS) 
 Here, take all these clothes and lock them up some- 
 where. 
 
 JENNINGS. Certainly, but (starts up L.) 
 
 CHARLIE. I'll bear the responsibility. 
 
 JENNINGS, (going c.) This is Highway Rob- 
 bery nothing else, (exit.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (glibly) The very thing this is a 
 profound pundit who has just arrived from India 
 where he has been studying the mysticism of the 
 East. He is the only man of modern times who has 
 succeeded in attaining Nirvana I don't know what 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 17 
 
 Nirvana is, but I've no doubt he does. It'll all be 
 one to the Governor anyway. I'll just remind him 
 that it's dawn, (throws book, gets it from sofa 
 CRASH) Through the window another glass! 
 
 SHAVER, (in room) Next! 
 
 CHARLIE. I wonder where I got him? He's 
 coming out what is he going to wear? 
 
 (Enter SHAVER door L. 1 E., with bowl and yellow 
 bedspread.) 
 
 Oh! He has put on my silk bedspread. I wonder 
 where I did get him? (gets L. c.) 
 
 SHAVER. (L. near door) Can you tell me in 
 what part of the city I undressed last night? Or 
 this morning., or whenever it was I don't seem to 
 be able to find my trousseau somehow. 
 
 CHARLIE. Say, where did I run upon you last 
 night? 
 
 SHAVER. Hoffman House don't you remember? 
 
 CHARLIE. Don't remember anything How did I 
 happen to bring you home with me ? 
 
 SHAVER. Out of gratitude, I suppose, for my 
 having brought you home with me. 
 
 CHARLIE. How was it tell me about it 
 
 SHAVER. You know I'm an artist (aside} 
 Tonsorial (aloud) and a gentleman, prominent 
 in political circles, was giving me a sitting in his 
 rooms upstairs (bus.) 
 
 CHARLIE. At eleven o'clock at night? 
 
 SHAVER. Just a few finishing touches about the 
 head and face Next! 
 
 CHARLIE. Oh ! I see 
 
 SHAVER. And as I was passing out through the 
 cafe, I was laid hold of by that noisy mob of 
 yours 
 
 CHARLIE. "Mob's" the word for it. (sits c.) 
 
 SHAVER. And forced to take a drink whether I 
 
18 MY FRIEXD FROM INDIA. 
 
 wanted it or not. After which I was compelled to 
 &ing a song. 
 
 CHARLIE. ' Did I sing? 
 
 SHAVER. That isn't what they called it 
 
 CHARLIE. What queer breaks a fellow will make 
 sometimes! (rises, walks over R.) 
 
 SHAVER. Speaking of breaks reminds me, when 
 we were coming home this morning, you kicked in a 
 plate-glass window. 
 
 CHARLIE. Another! You don't mean it! Was 
 it French or German plate? 
 
 SHAVER. From the looks of it I should say it was 
 broken Dutch. 
 
 CHARLIE. I'm in a devil of a hole. 
 
 SHAVER. Well, you may think I'm enjoying quite 
 a spread. 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS L. u. E.) 
 JENNINGS. Look out ! 
 
 (Exit JENNINGS c. D. L.) 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS R. u. E.) 
 
 (Exit CHARLIE and SHAVER L. 1.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Is that boy up yet? Well, I'll wake 
 him up. (goes to L. 1 and knocks) Charles! 
 Charles! 
 
 CHARLIE, (outside) Yes, father. 
 
 ERASTUS. "Yes, father!" That don't go with 
 me we'll see whether you will come home any old 
 time 
 
 (Exit ERASTUS c. D. R. Enter CHARLIE and 
 SHAVER.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (runs up c., looks off after ERASTUS. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 19 
 
 Then comes down L. of ottoman) You've got to 
 help me square it with the Governor I'd do as 
 much for you, if you were in trouble. 
 
 SHAVER. (L. in front of sofa) If I were in 
 trouble what do you call this having fun? 
 
 CHARLIE. You'll only have to lie a little for a 
 few moments. 
 
 SHAVER. I despise a liar. 
 
 CHARLIE, (gives bill) There's a tenner. 
 
 SHAVER, (takes it) But any one who couldn't 
 lie comfortable under a silk bedspread ought to be 
 forced to sleep on a bench in the park. 
 
 CHARLIE. I found a copy of "The Light of 
 Asia" in your pocket. 
 
 SHAVER. Don't lose it. 
 
 CHARLIE. Do you know anything of theosophy? 
 
 SHAVER. I have devoted all my spare time to its 
 study Oh! Gautama, Gautama, most noble re- 
 cluse (crosses to R.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (goes c.) That's it you shall be a 
 recluse. 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c. ) Do I look it ? 
 
 CHARLIE. You not only look it, but you are. 
 You have just returned from India, where you have 
 been studying the mysticism of the East you are 
 my friend my friend from India. 
 
 SHAVER. But I'm nothing of the kind. 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c.) Of course not but you can 
 say you are you have learned all there is to know 
 of Theosophy, and have attained that most exalted 
 state, Nirvana. 
 
 SHAVER, (rises, returns money) I want my 
 clothes. 
 
 CHARLIE. Now, don't queer this thing the old 
 man don't know the first thing about theosophy 
 I'll prepare him while you wait in my room there. 
 The whole thing won't take five minutes, then I'll 
 get you your clothes and you can go. 
 
20 M* FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER. Is your father a mild-tempered man? 
 
 CHARLIE. A perfect dove. 
 
 SHAVER. Slippers or boots? 
 
 CHARLIE. Slippers 
 
 SHAVER. Give me the twenty and I'll chance it. 
 
 CHARLIE. Twenty? Ten was the amount. 
 
 SHAVER. But this is expert testimony. 
 
 CHARLIE. Well, there's a check of father's 
 that's the best I can do just now. You're to say 
 you arrived on the New York that you are on your 
 way to deliver a course of lectures in Philadelphia, 
 Boston, or any old place that you met me last 
 
 night at the Young Men's Christian Association 
 
 (SHAVER hands back check, sits L. of table) No, 
 that won't do Fifth Avenue Hotel that will go 
 better with the old man and that we remained in 
 your room, discussing the beauties of the Buddhist 
 Philosophy if we stick to this story, it will cover 
 the drunk, the broken glass, and all will be smooth 
 sailing (c.) 
 
 SHAVER. But, what's my name all this time? 
 
 CHARLIE. Let's see the morning paper passen- 
 ger list of the New York (takes paper from otto- 
 man) Here it is "Oliver Bragg, Philadelphia." 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c.) That won't do too harsh. 
 
 CHARLIE, (c.) "Gottlieb Dinkelspiel." 
 
 SHAVER. "Dinkelspiel" that must be a mis- 
 print. 
 
 CHARLIE. Here's one "James Tweedle, Bos- 
 ton." 
 
 SHAVER. Now you're getting warm I like the 
 idea of Boston, but I'm not particularly stuck on 
 Tweedle, 
 
 CHARLIE. It'll do for five or ten minutes, any- 
 way. 
 
 SHAVER. But what am I to wear ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Wear? You belong to the Order of 
 the Yellow Robe, don't you ? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 21 
 
 SHAVER. Do I? 
 
 CHARLIE. The right arm bared to the shoul- 
 der 
 
 SHAVER, (crossing L.) And the yellow bowl, 
 the Buddhist Mendicant Priests carry around from 
 door to door, begging rice. 
 
 CHARLIE. Great ! 
 
 SHAVER. And do you think I'm such a fool as to 
 appear before your father in a rig like that? He'd 
 kick me out of the house I don't want any part of 
 it I want my clothes 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c.) But you must help me out 
 
 SHAVER, (near door L. 1) But I say I won't 
 I want my clothes you've no right to keep them 
 it's robbery, and I can have you arrested for forci- 
 ble detention. 
 
 CHARLIE. I'm not detaining you why don't you 
 go? (goes up) 
 
 SHAVER. Why don't I go? During my previous 
 existence in the first century in Eome, I could have 
 promenaded but styles have changed since then. 
 
 CHARLIE. That's your affair. 
 
 (JENNINGS enters c. from L.) 
 
 JENNINGS. Beg pardon, sir but the policeman 
 on our beat wants to see you particular, sir. 
 
 CHARLIE. Policeman to see me? (to SHAVER) 
 We're gone it's the plate glass. 
 
 SHAVER. We? Speak for yourself it was none 
 of my plate glass. 
 
 CHARLIE, (crosses to L.) If you leave me I'll 
 lay the whole thing on you I warn you, I'm des- 
 perate. 
 
 SHAVER. If you do, I'll make a clean breast of 
 everything. 
 
 CHARLIE. What had we better do ? 
 
 SHAVER. See him and square it before he sees 
 
22 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 your father, (aside) Here's my chance to escape 
 the policeman will force him to give up my clothes. 
 CHARLIE. Show him up, Jennings. 
 
 (Exit JENNINGS c. to L.) 
 
 SHAVER. You're not going to drag me into this 
 thing, too? 
 
 CHARLIE. You're an accessory both before and 
 after the fact Mr. say, what is your name ? 
 
 SHAVER. Shaver Augustus Keene Shaver a 
 victim of circumstances 
 
 (Enter POLICEMAN, preceded by JENNINGS, c. from 
 L. Exit JENNINGS, c. to L.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (up L. c.) Hello, Billy. How are 
 you making it? Glad to see you How's everything 
 all right? 
 
 FINNERTY. (up c. has hat and cane) First 
 rate far as I know. I picked these up in front of 
 your home this morning, and I'm looking for an 
 owner for them belong to you? 
 
 CHARLIE, (takes them) By Jove ! that's my 
 stick I wouldn't take a ten-dollar note for that. 
 (offers Ml) 
 
 FINNERTY. Couldn't think of it (takes bill) 
 I'm only too glad to do a favor for you. 
 
 CHARLIE. Thanks, old fellow. 
 
 (Business, indicating that SHAVER threw clothes, 
 etc., etc.) 
 
 FINNERTY. Crazy ? Violent ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes, at times. Throws everything he 
 can gets his hands on out of the window that's 
 how my things came out there. 
 
 FINNERTY. I see a relative? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 33 
 
 CHAELES. Brother. 
 
 FINNERTY. Too bad too bad. 
 
 CHARLIE. He's tried to escape several times 
 that's the reason we're forced to keep him dressed 
 like that if he should get out any time, you soak 
 him, and we'll make it right with you. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) I wonder what he's saying to 
 that policeman? 
 
 FINNERTY. Why, of course I know my busi- 
 ness, (starts up c.) 
 
 SHAVER. Look here, officer, I'm detained against 
 my will they've taken my clothes and I want to 
 prefer a charge of burglary against that man 
 there 
 
 FINNERTY. Don't get excited you'll be all right. 
 
 SHAVER, (up L. c.) But it's your duty as an 
 officer to take me away from here 
 
 FINNERTY. That's all right you keep perfectly 
 cool. 
 
 SHAVER. But I tell you it's not all right; I de- 
 mand my rights as an American citizen to be ar- 
 rested what are the police for, if not to arrest 
 people, I'd like to know! Can't sleep all the time. 
 
 FINNERTY. You be perfectly easy in your mind 
 I'll attend to you. (to CHARLIE) Terrible case, 
 ain't it? 
 
 SHAVER. I beg of you to take me away from 
 here my life may be in danger. You can't tell 
 I don't know what may happen I 
 
 FINNERTY. (savagely) That'll do. That's 
 enough out of you sit right there, and shut your 
 trap. (SHAVER flops on sofa L. To CHARLIE at 
 mantel) That's the only way to do with them kind 
 of guys. You got to talk rough to them sometimes. 
 
 (Exit c. door to L.) 
 SHAVER. No use he thinks I'm crazy. 
 
24 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 CHARLIE. Don't you think you'd better stay? 
 
 SHAVER, (rises) But suppose I should be asked 
 a question I couldn't answer? 
 
 CHARLIE. Don't answer fall into a state of deep 
 abstraction you know I'll pave the way for all 
 that 
 
 SHAVER. The streets of Sheol are full of pavers 
 like you. (goes near door L. 1 E.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Get in there now the Governor gen- 
 erally gets down about this time to read his paper. 
 I'll call you when I want you. 
 
 SHAVER, (at door L. 1 E.) There's to be a short 
 interview with him and no one else. 
 
 CHARLIE. Not another soul 
 
 SHAVER. And then I'm to go? 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes, and blooming glad to be rid of 
 you! 
 
 SHAVER. Not half so glad as I'll be to get out 
 of here. 
 
 CHARLIE. If the old man gets on to the game, 
 I'll be kicked out. 
 
 SHAVER. I can't win but twenty dollars, and I 
 stand to lose the combination to my anatomy. 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside) Where is he? Where is he? 
 
 SHAVER. Excuse me. (Exits door L. 1) 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS c. from R., with newspaper.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Oh, there you are, eh? 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c. in front of sofa) Good morn- 
 ing, father. 
 
 ERASTUS. Good morning. Don't give me that 
 baby stare. Look at this sensational article headed 
 "Jack the Window Smasher!" You'll tell me you 
 didn't do it, won't you? Six hundred dollars in 
 three months for plate glass windows! There's no 
 mistake about it here it is in black and white. 
 
 CHARLIE. But there's no name mentioned 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 ERASTUS. Not at all necessary; when you were 
 not in your room at eleven o'elock, I knew how it 
 would be- that was the first thing I looked for in 
 the paper this morning I warned you against join- 
 ing that football team at college, but it was no use. 
 
 CHARLIE. I'm sorry, Dad. 
 
 ERASTUS. You ain't sorry, neither. You'd act 
 better if you was. Go and pack your traps and get 
 out of here. I'll have a check for you when you're 
 ready the last you'll ever get from me. (crosses 
 to R.) 
 
 Let me explain- 
 
 CHARLIE. 
 
 ERASTUS. 
 write check) 
 
 CHARLIE. 
 night with { 
 imbibing 
 
 (at writing desk) No (preparing to 
 
 (crosses to R. c.) I have been up all 
 most learned Pundit from the East, 
 
 ERASTUS. Exactly imbibing. 
 
 CHARLIE. Imbibing the grandest philosophy the 
 world has even known. He arrived only yesterday 
 on the New York. 
 
 (turns on chair) Who is he what is 
 
 ERASTUS. 
 he? 
 
 SHAVER. 
 damn fool. 
 
 CHARLIE. 
 
 ERASTUS. 
 
 CHARLIE. 
 
 SHAVER. 
 
 ERASTUS. 
 
 CHARLIE. 
 fast 
 
 ERASTUS. Who said anything about a man? 
 talking about the horse. 
 
 SHAVER. Now I'm a horse. 
 
 CHARLIE. It's not a horse, father. 
 
 SHAVER. Thank goodness, Fm not a horse. 
 
 ERASTUS. What is it a steam yacht ? 
 
 (aside, listening at door L.) He is a 
 
 (R. c.) He is a Theosophist. 
 A what-o-phist ? I never heard of him. 
 He has got a Nirvana. 
 (aside) But no pants. 
 Has he is he fast? 
 Fast? A man who has Nirvana 
 
 I'm 
 
26 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVEH. Now I'm a steam yacht. 
 
 CHARLIE. You don't quite grasp me, dad. 
 
 EEASTUS. (rising) No, but I will in a minute. 
 
 SHAVEK. (aside) I wish he'd kill him. 
 
 CHARLIE. I'll fetch him out he can explain 
 better than I (crosses L.) 
 
 EBASTUS. I should hope so unless he's a drivel- 
 ling idiot Trot him out. (crosses c.) 
 
 CHARLIE. All right, Dad. (goes L., then stops, 
 Turns) But be gentle with him don't deal harshly 
 with him 
 
 ERASTUS. Well, bring him out and I'll look him 
 over (CHARLES goes to door L. and enters with 
 SHAVER.) A Pundit looks like an omelette. 
 
 CHARLIE. Father, let me introduce Mr. James 
 Tweedle, my friend from India. 
 
 ERASTUS. (R. c.) So, you're from India. 
 (business) 
 
 CHARLIE, (c.) I've been trying to explain what 
 Nirvana is 
 
 SHAVER, (crosses c.) Most Blessed State 
 Nirvana is Eternal Peace Can you lend me a pair 
 of pants? 
 
 ERASTUS. (down R.) He's one of those things 
 a freak that society is craving for it's a brand 
 new one, and it's dropped right into my hand. I'll 
 nail him and work it for all it's worth. Charlie 
 Charlie, I want to see this this alone. 
 
 CHARLIE. Alone! You'd better let me stay, 
 dad. I can explain. 
 
 ERASTUS. You can't explain that out of me 
 (business) Mr. Sweedle, I'm coming back in a 
 minute I'm going to talk to you on business. 
 
 (Exit ERASTUS R. u. c.) 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) He'll get me alone and wipe 
 the floor with me. (picks up hat and coat and starts 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 27 
 
 to go off R. TILLY enters, comes c. and takes them 
 away from him. ERASTUS re-enters. Exit TILLY c. 
 to R. Exit CHARLIE) 
 
 ERASTUS. Now, Mr. Beattles, I'm trying to get 
 into society. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) And I'm trying to get out. 
 
 (Enter TILLY c. from R.) 
 
 TILLY. Oh, Mr. Underholt 
 
 ERASTUS. Will you get out of here ? (chases 
 
 her out c. to L. and follows) 
 
 (Re-enter CHARLIE, L. 1 E., attempts to speak to 
 SHAVER. They meet c. as ERASTUS enters at 
 back c. CHARLIE dives for door and exits. 
 SHAVER advances.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Now, you're a freak. 
 
 SHAVER. No 
 
 ERASTUS. I mean a fad and I think with your 
 Nirvana racket and my business ability, you can 
 be of service to me, and make a nice thing out of it 
 for yourself. I've tried everything else and now I 
 want to try a fad are you engaged ? 
 
 SHAVER. I don't think I understand. 
 
 ERASTUS. It's simple enough. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) Everything is easy and simple 
 around here. 
 
 ERASTUS. You are to remain here as my guest 
 you are to see no one but the members of my family 
 until I give you permission is that satisfactory? 
 
 SHAVER. Quite so, sir. 
 
 ERASTUS. (crosses his legs and dangles his feet) 
 All you need to give you notoriety, fame and fortune, 
 is booming and I'm just the man to boom you. 
 
 SHAVER, (looking at ERASTUS' boot. Aside) 
 Charlie lied to me about those slippers. 
 
 ERASTUS. I'll write you a check for five hundred 
 
28 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 as a retaining fee. (crosses to desk and writes) 
 And if we succeed in accomplishing our object, 
 I'll give you ten thousand as freely as I would a 
 dollar is it a bargain? 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) Talk about a victim of cir- 
 cumstances what's the use? (aloud) I'm very 
 sorry, sir, but I'm pledged to deliver a course of 
 lectures in Boston, and 
 
 ERASTUS. Oh, no, Giggles, I'll make it a thousand 
 in advance I must have you let 'em wait in Bos- 
 tonI'll tell 'em 
 
 SHAVER. Just tell them that you saw me 
 
 ERASTUS. I saw you all society shall see you 
 and they'll have to see you through me that's the 
 trick, eh, Giggles. I'd rather have you than ten 
 train loads of Kansas City hogs. 
 
 SHAVER. Don't mention it. (ERASTUS offers 
 check) Well, since you insist, (takes check. Goes 
 L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Good now (up R.) I'm going to 
 launch you. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) I knew he'd do something I 
 wonder if launching is painful. 
 
 ERASTUS. Mustn't lose you Tweedle. You are 
 my last card. (Exit R. 3 E. Going) Girls, girls, 
 I've bought you something. 
 
 SHAVER. I must get out of here or I'll be exposed 
 as an impostor perhaps arrested and put in prison. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE, door L. 1.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Well? 
 
 SHAVER. (L. c.) A nice mess you've got me into 
 with your dissolute habits. 
 
 CHARLIE. What did he do what did he say? 
 
 SHAVER. Say? Why, he's discovered a new fad 
 in me that society is simply yearning for and he 
 wants to use me to promote his social aspirations. 
 
MY FRIEND *KOM 1JSD1A. 39 
 
 CHARLIE. Great Heavens! But you declined 
 you told him you were engaged to lecture some- 
 where 
 
 SHAVER. But it wouldn't go (shows check) 
 He gave me this as a retainer. 
 
 CHARLIE. A thousand dollars! This will never 
 do. You can't carry this thing through you've got 
 to get out of here. 
 
 SHAVER. That's your business you got me in; 
 now get me out. (crosses R.) 
 
 CHARLIE. I will I'll get your clothes at once 
 and help you to get out before it is too late. (Exit 
 L. u. E.) 
 
 SHAVER, (following him up ~L., calling off) If 
 you can't get a whole suit, get a hat, and I'll take 
 chances. 
 
 (Enter GERTIE, BERNICE and MARIAN R. u. E.) 
 
 GERTIE. Where is he? There he is. 
 
 BERNICE. You are the Light of Asia ? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, but I'm burning very low. 
 
 GERTIE. Excuse my familiarity, but Pop said 
 he bought you 
 
 SHAVER. And you wanted to see if he got 
 stuck 
 
 MARIAN, (c.) How witty! Have you been here 
 very long? 
 
 SHAVER. It seems a hundred years that is 
 well, you know, with us there is no time, (sits c.) 
 But I think I'll do a little. 
 
 BERNICE. I trust you will find time to teach me 
 the ethics of your delightful philosophy. 
 
 SHAVER. We'll start now (business. She sits L. 
 of him. Aside) This is getting interesting. 
 
 GERTIE. May we listen ? 
 
 SHAVER. Certainly. (GERTIE sits) Come 
 closer. 
 
30 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 GERTIE. Come, Marian 
 
 (Sits R. of GERTIE.) 
 
 SHAVER, (to BERXICE) Have you got a cigar? 
 (Recover.) 
 
 I thought I smelled tobacco smoke I can't bear 
 smoke it would shatter my nerves. 
 
 BERNICE. I know we will get on famously. I, 
 too, detest tobacco. 
 
 MARIAN. Why, that's silk, isn't it? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, ma'am; mulberry silk 1 raised 
 
 the mulls myself in India. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE L. u. E. door, with clothes and hat.) 
 
 CHARLIE. I can't find Jennings but I've got 
 some of the Governor's clothes they'll have to 
 (sees them) Great Jehosaphat ! 
 
 SHAVER. What time do you dine? 
 
 CHARLIE, (up L., aside) He's going to be a 
 regular boarder. 
 
 GERTIE, (c.) We have luncheon at one. 
 
 (Enter MRS. BEEKMAX-STREETE, c. door from i., 
 comes down in front of sofa. GIRLS R.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. Where is he? Where is he? 
 ( GIRLS all rise.) 
 
 SHAVER. Don't go away. 
 
 BERXICE. Oh, Auntie this is Mr. Tweedle my 
 aunt, Mrs. Beekman-Streete 
 
 SHAVER. Is that your aunt? Well, you 
 
 couldn't help it? 
 
 MRS. B. S. I'm delighted to meet you, sir. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 31 
 
 SHAVEE. (bowing) Mrs. Beekman-Streete. 
 (crosses to her) Any relative of the other Streetes? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Oh, yes; we are a large family. 
 
 SHAVER. Get the rest of them that is, we must 
 get them all to join our society, (they cross to 
 others R. MARIAN goes up c. and comes down) 
 
 CHARLIE, (aside) He'll have them all in jail. 
 (aloud) Mr. Tweedle 
 
 SHAVER, (talking with girls) Go away; you make 
 me nervous. 
 
 CHARLIE, (to SHAVER) Tweedle 
 
 SHAVER. What, you here again? (to him) 
 Don't bother me, please. 
 
 CHARLIE, (aside) Oh, this is awful. 
 
 MARIAN, (to CHARLIE) Isn't he lovely? 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes he's a peach, (pulls SHAVER'S 
 gown) Will you get out of here? 
 
 SHAVER, (to CHARLIE) Have you discovered my 
 wardrobe ? 
 
 CHARLIE. They are in the room, (points L.) 
 
 SHAVER. Now, if you ladies will excuse me for a 
 few moments, I'll put on my afternoon clothes. 
 (MARIAN crossing bach to L. of CHARLIE) 
 
 GERTIE. Are they silk ? 
 
 SHAVER, (crosses to GERTIE)- No, sweet, fair 
 one (kisses her on forehead) They are flannel. 
 To you, dear maid, farewell, (to BERNICE. To 
 MRS. B. S.) What can I say to you. I'll think 
 and say it later, (crosses to L. to CHARLIE) I have 
 nothing to say to you. (to MARIAN) Angel of 
 Light (kisses her on the forehead. Exits to room 
 
 L. 1) 
 
 ALL. Isn't he lovely? 
 
 BERNICE. How interesting. 
 
 GERTIE. So picturesque. 
 
 MARIAN. And intelligent. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Where did you get him, Charlie? 
 
 CHARLIE. Get him ? He got me 
 
32 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 ALL. What ! 
 
 CHAKLIE. Got me to fetch him here 
 
 SHAVER, (in room) Have you got a collar button? 
 CHARLIE. In the bureau drawer. I've got a 
 temperature of 120 
 
 (Enter TILLY, c. door. She comes down.) 
 
 TILLY. Der French and German Professors was 
 here. 
 
 BERXICE. Show them to the study room we'll 
 be there directly. 
 
 (Exit TILLY door c. to R.) 
 
 SHAVER, (from door) Is this whiskey in this 
 demijohn ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Oh- 
 
 GERTIE. You'll excuse me, Marian till luncheon ? 
 
 MARIAX. (at mantel) Why, certainly. 
 
 BERXICE. And this afternoon we'll all listen to 
 Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 ALL. Yes yes. 
 
 (Exit GERTIE and BERXICE R. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 MARIAX. Get rid of her (goes up stage L.) 
 CHARLIE. Her you mean him? Oh, yes say, 
 
 auntie, why don't you put on those little Indian 
 
 ornaments uncle brought you from Calcutta ? They'll 
 
 please Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 MRS. B. S. You dear, good boy. You're so 
 
 thoughtful! (aside, going R.) He didn't kiss me 
 
 probably he wants to see me alone. 
 
 (Exits R. 1 E.) 
 
 SHAVER, (half out) Have they all gone? 
 (CHARLIE waves him back) Who stretched these 
 clothes? (sees MARIAX and darts back) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 33 
 
 MARIAN. You seem worried 
 
 CHARLIE, (coming c. sits in chair R. c.) No 
 
 MARIAN. Can't I help you? Two heads are 
 better than one. 
 
 CHARLIE. Not the one I've got. 
 
 MARIAN. You've been drinking I heard all 
 about it 
 
 CHARLIE. You'll hear more (crash off L.) I 
 told you so 
 
 MARIAN. I've heard a great deal about you all 
 to-day, and I've started a little scheme of my OWD : , 
 which, so far, is very successful and it's all for 
 your sake. Won't you let me help you? 
 
 CHARLIE. If you'll only marry that and henpeck 
 him, my happiness wil) be complete. 
 
 MARIAN, (rising) Charlie! You wouldn't have 
 me break the engagement 
 
 CHARLIE. No, I didn't mean that 
 
 MARIAN. Leave it to me I've started in to set 
 this family straight and I'll do it. 
 
 (Exit c. door to L.) 
 
 (Enter SHAVER in large clothes and liat, from door 
 L. 1.) 
 
 SHAVER. You've made up your mind to end my 
 existence look at me! 
 
 CHARLIE. I can't help it for Heaven's sake get 
 out of here before anyone sees you- 
 
 SHAVER. I forgot my check for a thousand 
 
 (Exit door L. 1 E.) 
 
 CHARLIE. What have I done to deserve this? 
 (Enter GERTIE and BERNICE R. u. E.) 
 
34 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 GEETIE. We have postponed our lessons till to- 
 morrow. Where is Mr. Tweedle? (comes down B.) 
 
 CHAELIE. (crosses E. Rushes her off B. 1) He's 
 dressing Marian wants to see you; she's in there. 
 
 (Exits GEETIE B. 1) 
 
 BEBNICE. (up c.) Charlie we'll have yellow 
 gowns made for us all. 
 
 CHAELIE. Yes, do father is in there and wants 
 to see you about them right away. 
 
 (Exit BEBNICE L. u. E.) 
 (Enter MAEIAN c. from L.) 
 
 MABIAN. I must see you. 
 
 CHAELIE. Yes; go in the sitting room I'll meet 
 you there in two minutes. I want to see you alone. 
 
 (Exit MAEIAN, c. door to L.) 
 (Enter MBS. B. S. B. u. E.) 
 
 MBS. B. S. I've got them all on where is ? 
 
 CHAELIE. Waiting for you in there (L. u. E.) 
 wants to see you alone. (Mss. B. S. exits L. u. E.) 
 (Enter SHAVEE L. 1. CHABLIE rushes him off c. 
 to L.) Thank Heaven. (SHAVEE returns and 
 hands him the bowl) 
 
 SHAVEE. This is yours 
 
 (Exit SHAVEB c. to L.) 
 
 CHABLIE. Damn that thing! (throws it. Crash) 
 Another glass ! 
 
 (Enter ALL from exit entrances. TILLY from c. 
 door B. EEASTUS from L. 1.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 35 
 
 ALL. Where is he? 
 
 CHAKLIE. Vanished ! 
 
 EKASTUS. With my thousand, (to TILLY) Get 
 out of my way lock every door (enter FINNERTY 
 with SHAVER c. door L.) What's that? 
 
 FINNERTY. Your idiot son ! ! ! 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 ACT II 
 
 SCENE: Same as ACT FIRST, ottoman L. c. Sofa 
 taken off. Loud crash at rise. 
 
 DISCOVERED: JENNINGS at door L. 1 E. on 
 guard, TILLY standing by screen. Mirror in 
 panel smashed. 
 
 TILLY, (up c. picking up bits of glass) Der 
 boss told me I put my foot through dot looking 
 glass if I don't look out and I did it. 
 
 JENNINGS. Sure, and I've told you the same 
 thing a dozen times but you would do that German 
 break-down in front of it. 
 
 TILLY. Der glass was no goot, anyhow, Mrs. 
 Beekman-Streete says that it was full of wrinkles. 
 
 JENNINGS. Mr. Underholt will take it out of 
 your wages. 
 
 TILLY. If he does, I'll break more as I can earn 
 in two years, and leave at once. Say, Jennings, if 
 I told der old man dot crazy man done it would 
 you swear by me, eh ? 
 
 JENNINGS. Sure, I'll do nothing of the kind 
 he's caused trouble enough now I want no more of 
 him. But you can tell the master anything you like 
 I was stone blind when it happened. 
 
36 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 TILLY. My mother told me in Germany, before I 
 come by Kansas City, to keep away from der Irish, 
 (c.) But I make an exception of you. 
 
 (Exit with glass, door c. to L.) 
 
 JENNINGS, (chuckling) Begory, she's a 
 
 (starting up L. c. suddenly realizes and calls 
 loudly) Tell your mother I hate the Dutch. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE c. door from R.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Where's the Governor ? 
 
 JENNINGS, (down L.) He's gone to get yellow 
 gowns for everyone in the house. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L.) Oh, this thing is getting near a 
 climax, and when I go up I'll never come down. 
 Where is he now? 
 
 JENNINGS, (goes to door L. 1 R.) He's in there. 
 (listens) Asleep (SHAVER groans off L.) "Uneasy 
 lies the head that wears a crown." 
 
 CHARLIE. We must get him out of here. 
 
 JENNINGS, (at door) Impossible, sir, your father 
 took away the clothes he had, and left me here on 
 the watch. I'm not to move off this spot till he gets 
 back. (CHARLIE starts up stage in despair) 
 
 (Enter TOM VALENTINE c. from L.) 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c.) Tom Valentine! And just in 
 the nick of time. 
 
 TOM. What? In a fix again? (shakes hands, 
 crosses and sits L. of table R.) 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. of Ott.) Fix? That's no name 
 for it. When the governor gets on to me, I'll be a 
 thing of the past. 
 
 TOM. Well, he doesn't consider me from an 
 angelic standpoint, and that's what brings me here 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 37 
 
 to-day. I love Bernice, but he's some crazy notion 
 that I'm a little shy on blue blood, and forbade me 
 the house. 
 
 CHARLIE. Oh, yours is only a matter of life 
 mine is a matter of death, (down L. of Ott. comes 
 c.) 
 
 TOM. Oh, pshaw! Never say die. (rises goes 
 R. c.) It's not a bit club-like look at me your 
 father is a ferocious chap, twice my weight he owns 
 this house has a first mortgage on the lady in 
 question but in spite of all that, I am here ready to 
 do battle prepared to face him and if need be, 
 tell him exactly what I think of 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside) Don't let him escape. 
 
 TOM. (gets under table R. CHARLIE sits R. of 
 table) I'll tell him what I think some other time. 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS with bundle of yellow gowns and 
 newspaper, door c. from L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. If he makes an attempt to escape, I'll 
 show no quarter, (to JENNINGS) Is he safe? 
 
 JENNINGS. Yes, sir. 
 
 ERASTUS. Good ! Watch the front door I'll keep 
 tabs on him here myself. 
 
 JENNINGS. Yes, sir. (rises, and going up c. 
 ERASTUS listens at door L.) 
 
 TOM. (under table, aside) He must have seen 
 me come in. 
 
 JENNINGS, (aside) I'll lose my place, I know it 
 and all through the Light of Asia ! 
 
 (Exit c. to L. CHARLIE comes down c.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Ah, my boy, we're fixed at last, (shows 
 paper to CHARLIE) See that in every paper in the 
 United States it cost money, but I'm a boomer 
 when I start in. (opens bundle of gowns leaves 
 them on Ott.) 
 
38 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c. reads) "Theosophy's Cham- 
 pion arrival in New York of James Tweedle, the 
 advanced Theosophist." (CHARLIE hits him with 
 newspaper) 
 
 ERASTUS. That's right; I advanced him a thou- 
 sand. 
 
 TOM. (under table) Get him out of here till I 
 make my escape. 
 
 ERASTUS. And here are yellow gowns for all of 
 us this one with the frogs is for Tweedle (starts 
 
 L.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (restraining him) Don't wake him, 
 Dad you may break his thread. 
 ERASTUS. His what ? 
 CHARLIE. His thread. 
 ERASTUS. Oh! I thought you said his head. 
 
 (CHARLIE goes R. near table.) 
 
 TOM. (ERASTUS goes to door L. 1 E. listens a 
 second then starts up L. c. Same bus.) If he does, 
 I'll have cramps. 
 
 CHARLIE, (to TOM) How am I going to get out 
 of this? 
 
 TOM. (same bus.) You? How am I? 
 
 ERASTUS. (at screen) Ah more of your work, 
 I suppose. 
 
 CHARLIE. What, father? 
 
 ERASTUS. Why, that mirror in the screen there 
 
 CHARLIE. Why, I had nothing to do with the 
 
 ERASTUS. Now, don't 
 
 (TILLY enters c. from L.) 
 
 TILLY. No, Mr. Underholt, I 
 
 ERASTUS. Will you get out? 
 
 (Exit TILLY c. to L.) 
 CHARLIE. What ? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 39 
 
 ERASTUS. (up c.) What? Why, this mirror 
 panel in the screen 
 
 CHABLIE. (R.) Why, I 
 
 EKASTUS. (coming down R. c.) Now, don't lie 
 about it. Fm not going to kick my son, I'm proud 
 o f y OU y OU have redeemed yourself I forgive 
 everything of the past I paid for the broken window 
 and I'll order a new mirror at last we are going to 
 enter the portals of Society, and all through you 
 I'll give you a check for a thousand to-morrow 
 just to show my appreciation, (goes to OH.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Fd give ten to read Tweedle's obituary. 
 
 ERASTUS. Here's your gown. ( gives gown) 
 I'll take these to the girls the girls ! Think of the 
 position they'll gain and the marriages they'll con- 
 tract the upper four hundred By the way, what 
 has become of that scoundrel, Tom Valentine? 
 
 CHARLIE, (leaning on table R.) Oh he's under 
 the tab (Ton pushes his leg he falls) 
 
 ERASTUS. If I ever catch him in this house again 
 well, there'll only be me left. 
 
 (Exit R. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Why didn't you tell him what you 
 thought ? 
 
 TOM. I changed my mind. (CHARLIE rises 
 TOM starts to rise) 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside) Here's the gowns, girls. 
 
 TOM. Another relapse (gets under table) 
 
 CHARLIE, (runs up c.) It's all right, Tom. 
 
 TOM. (comes out) Say, what is all this about? 
 
 CHARLIE, (down R. of Ott.) Well, last night 
 I was one of those corkers (motion drinking} 
 You know and I brought a fellow home with me 
 as a sort of squarer for the governor, I told him 
 he was a Theosophist, and he's up and hired him to 
 stay here as a sort of permanent fad 
 
40 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 TOM. (R. near table) That's a good one on the 
 old man (laughs) 
 
 CHARLIE. Old man ! It's on me you may think 
 it's funny, but I can't see where the joke comes in. 
 
 TOM. Why don't you get him out? 
 
 CHARLIE. How can I? All the doors are 
 guarded besides, he's got no clothes. 
 
 TOM. Then he was speaking of him, eh? and I, 
 under that table with heart failure, thinking he 
 alluded to me. 
 
 CHARLIE. Will you kindly let that paltry affair 
 of yours drop for a moment and think of mine? 
 
 TOM. I'll go to the old man and tell (starts 
 to go c.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (intercepts him frightened) You'll 
 do nothing of the kind don't mention it to a single 
 soul our only hope is to get him out. (sees 
 BERNICE R. u. E.) 
 
 BERNICE. (outside) Tilly Tilly 
 
 CHARLIE. Bernice not a word to her I'll go in 
 and see if I can get him out without murder. 
 
 (Exit door L. 1 E.) 
 
 TOM. (following him L.) Don't leave me alone 
 I don't want to see him again. 
 
 (Enter BERNICE R. u. E. below stairs with yellow 
 robe on.) 
 
 BERNICE. Tom Valentine! (comes down R. of 
 Ott.) 
 
 TOM. Yes; come to beard the lion in his den 
 but what is this? (goes L. c.) 
 
 BERNICE. We have all joined the Order of the 
 Yellow Robe our disciple is now in his daily trance. 
 
 TOM. (aside) If Charlie had his way, he'd be in 
 his grave. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 41 
 
 BERN-ICE. Have you seen papa ? 
 
 TOM. Don't mention that name so suddenly. 
 Yes, I've seen him but he didn't see me. I didn't 
 come here to see him there's another I want to 
 see you. 
 
 BEBNICE. (sits R. side Ott.) Now, papa, is the 
 best judge of these matters. Of course, when we 
 first came from Kansas City, you were all very 
 well but I'm the daughter of a millionaire, and as 
 we expect to enter the fold of the four hundred, 
 you're not exactly as brilliant a match as I should 
 make. Come be sensible; let's forget and be good 
 friends, (offers hand) I'll be a sister to you! 
 
 TOM. (L. c.) No, thanks, I have two of my own. 
 
 BERNICE. That's just like a man. 
 
 TOM. And exactly like a woman but it's a 
 bargain. (Sits and takes her hand) You'll marry 
 and I'll marry, but we'll remain the best of friends. 
 
 (Enters GERTIE with yellow robe on R. u. E. below 
 stairs.) 
 
 GERTIE. Tom Valentine! 
 
 TOM. (rises, goes L. c. BERNICE goes R.) Same 
 old Tom. 
 
 GERTIE, (down R. of Ott.) You know what Pop 
 said (imitates kick} But I like you all the more 
 for having nerve enough to tell him you were big 
 enough to play your own cards. Has he seen you ? 
 
 TOM. Seen me? No; if he had, he'd have raised 
 me. 
 
 (Enter MARIAN c. door from L.) 
 
 MARIAN. I trust I haven't kept you waiting- 
 but I really had so many calls to make I could not 
 possibly arrive sooner. 
 
 BERNICE. (R. c. GERTIE at piano introducing) 
 Miss Hayste Mr. Valentine, (bow) 
 
42 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 MARIAN, (back of Ott. to BEENICE) I thought 
 I saw you from my carriage window, going into 
 Altaian's 
 
 BEBNICE. Shopping I bought the loveliest walk- 
 ing gown you ever saw (description to be given) 
 There were only two of them imported to this 
 country. (MARIAN goes L. and joins TOM. TOM 
 and MARIAN talk apart. Enter MRS. B. S., c. door 
 L. c.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (up c.) Oh, girls, listen! How'd 
 do, how'd do Why, Tom Valentine, how do you do ? 
 I've been shopping and bought the most beautiful 
 dress (description to be given, identical with that 
 of BERNICE) There are only two like it in this 
 country. 
 
 (Exit c. to R. up stairs.) 
 
 GERTIE. She's got the other, (ring bell) 
 BERNICE. Was anything ever more provoking? 
 I won't wear it. (Enter TILLY c. door from L.) 
 Tilly, when a package arrives from Atlman's for me, 
 send it back at once. 
 
 TILLY. She was pooty mad already. 
 
 (Exit c. door to L.) 
 
 BERNICE. (up R. c. aside) To think of all the 
 women in New York, she should get that other dress ! 
 (goes up R. c. and sits dejectedly chair L. of arch) 
 
 MARIAN, (c. crosses R.) Mr. Valentine has just 
 been telling me of a friend of his who has a broken 
 heart. 
 
 GERTIE. (R.) Man or woman? 
 
 TOM. A woman's heart never breaks. 
 
 GERTIE, (at table R. sighs) I'm glad I'm a 
 woman. 
 
 MARIAN, (near GERTIE at her L. to TOM) Are 
 you sure? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 43 
 
 TOM. (looking at BERNICE who is up L. c.) 
 I think so, now. But I hope I'm mistaken, (goes 
 L. a step) 
 
 MARIAN, (feelingly) You are. 
 
 BERNICE. (rises up c. aside) He's flirting with 
 her. (up c.) 
 
 GERTIE, (crosses to door L. TOM goes bade of 
 Ott.) I wonder if Mr. Tweedle has come to 
 why, he's talking with Charlie! (listens, aside, 
 and sneaking away) They're swearing ! 
 
 MARIAN, (crossing to table R.) Oh, you will 
 think better of women some day. Perhaps your 
 friend was a little to blame, himself. 
 
 BERNICE. (coming down R. of TOM to TOM) 
 There's no necessity for carrying on our love affairs 
 right before each other's eyes, (crosses to MARIAN 
 R.) 
 
 TOM. (aside) Jealous ! That's a good beginning 
 (goes up rather jubilant) 
 
 MARIAN. I'm so glad Mr. Tweedle has made his 
 home with you, and I know society will welcome 
 you with open arms if you'll get me a slip of paper, 
 I'll write you a list of all my acquaintances, (aside) 
 whom I don't know. 
 
 BERNICE. Come to my room we'll write it there. 
 (they start up R.) 
 
 MARIAN, (to Tom) Mr. Valentine, don't judge 
 all women by one standard. 
 
 TOM. Indeed I don't there are others. 
 
 MARIAN, (to BERNICE) I like your friend so 
 much. 
 
 BERNICE. Friend? Oh, yes, we are the best of 
 friends. 
 
 (Exit BERNICE and MARIAN R. u. E. upstairs.) 
 
 GERTIE. I'm going, too you'll excuse me, but 
 this is business; we've got a fad, and we're going to 
 
44 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 work it for it's worth. And I don't mind telling 
 you, I'm sort of stuck on the fad, myself. 
 
 TOM. (up c.) So that's the lay of the land, eh? 
 Charlie has put his foot in it. By Jove ! An idea ! 
 If I should succeed in straightening the thing out, 
 I might melt the old man's marble heart. I'll put 
 on my thinking cap, anyway. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE door L.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (talking to SHAVER) I'll get something 
 for you. 
 
 SHAVER. You can't be too quick. 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside R. u. E.) Get out of my way. 
 
 TOM. (rushing up c.) The old man I don't 
 want to see him yet I'm on to the game, and I'll 
 help you out, and with one stone kill two birds. 
 
 (Exit c. door to L.) 
 CHARLIE. I'm both birds. 
 (Enter ERASTUS R. u. E. below stairs, with robe.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (comes down R. c.) Good idea, eh, 
 CHARLIE? Sort of Li Hung Chang effect. When 
 we give our reception we'll all wear 'em. I told you 
 we'd get in, and by Jingo! we will Is he safe? 
 (going L. u. E.) 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c. aside) I hope he's dead ! (sits 
 hopelessly at piano, elbows on key head in hands) 
 
 ERASTUS. Hey, Tweedle! 
 
 SHAVER, (in room -L.) Who calls so loud ? 
 
 ERASTUS. Here's your new robe, (gives it) 
 All New York will worship at the Shrine and I'm 
 the shrine! 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS c. door from L.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 45 
 
 JENNINGS. The papers are all ringing us up on 
 the telephone they all want to know when a re- 
 porter can interview Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 ERASTUS. (L. Tell them he has nothing to say. 
 Mark ! I'm running this campaign ! We are on the 
 verge of society 
 
 (Exit JENNINGS c. to L. followed by ERASTUS.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Verge I'm down the precipice, 
 mangled to pieces. 
 
 (Enter SHAVER with robe L. u. E.) 
 
 SHAVER.' Does this set right in the neck? 
 
 CHARLIE, (seated at piano) Yes right in the 
 neck. Say, what are you going to do about this re- 
 ception ? 
 
 SHAVER, (coming c.) I'm in the hands of my 
 friends. 
 
 CHARLIE, (rises, crosses R. c. fiercely) Friends, 
 eh? You've got to get out of here. 
 
 SHAVER. (L. c.) Then "Lead, Kindly Light." 
 
 CHARLIE. Will you look at this thing seriously? 
 
 SHAVER, (sits on ottoman nonchalantly) I have 
 
 1 have calmly thought it all over. I wanted to 
 
 home, but you purloined my wardrobe, I think 
 tell the old 
 
 CHARLIE, (crosses to him) No no. That would 
 be my finish you must escape ! 
 
 SHAVER. I'm sick and tired of your ethereal 
 propositions. I am here ready to go but you must 
 provide the way. 
 
 (Enter GERTIE R. u. E. from below stairs.} 
 
 GERTIE. (CHARLIE goes up c. in fit of despera- 
 tion) You have recovered from your trance? 
 (down R. c. to c.) 
 
46 M FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER, (rises) Yes, but I expect another. 
 
 GERTIE. Were you in a far-off world? 
 
 SHAVER. No such luck. That is, no such lucky 
 circumstances. I was painfully in this world, with 
 your brother. 
 
 GERTIE. Do you like my robe? 
 
 SHAVER. Beautiful ! 
 
 GERTIE. It's a trifle full 
 
 SHAVER, (sits c.) I wish I was. 
 
 GERTIE. I'll have it taken in. 
 
 SHAVER. Don't say that when you say "taken 
 in," you touch a sympathetic chord. 
 
 CHARLIE. Amen with all my heart. 
 
 (Enter BERNICE R. u. E. downstairs.) 
 
 BERNICE. (GERTIE crosses R. from CHARLES, up 
 R. u. to piano) Mr. Tweedle, Prince may I call you 
 Prince? (comes L. of Otto.) 
 
 SHAVER. Why, that's a dog's name. 
 
 BERNICE. How droll you are But may I call you 
 Prince ? 
 
 SHAVER, (in front of sofa L. Crosses L.) Yes 
 
 footprints. 
 
 BERNICE. What an exalted state your mind must 
 be in. You can commune with spirits. 
 
 SHAVER. Not half as well as your brother 
 (CHARLIE groans enter MRS. B. S. R. u. E. down 
 stairs with MARIAN in Yellow Robes) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (to MARIAN) Yes, it's the costliest 
 gown I have seen in any of the shops, (to ALL) 
 They said they had another just like it. I'm sorry 
 one of the girls didn't get it! (comes L. c.) 
 
 BERNICE. (crosses to R.) Mr. Tweedle, have you 
 been with your affinity since last we saw you ? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, we had a few drinks that is, 
 draughts at the fountain of knowledge (aside) 
 This is getting absolutely monotonous. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 47 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS c. from L. with papers and yellow 
 books. Enter TILLY from L. TILLY comes 
 down c. with ERASTUS.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Ah, ha! We've got 'em now, girls. 
 
 GERTIE. Who, papa ? 
 
 ERASTUS. Who? Society, of course. What are 
 we here for? (lays boohs on table, handing each 
 a paper; retains one) Look at this and this and 
 this. Didn't I tell you if ever I had a chance to 
 apply business principles to this thing, I'd fetch 'em ? 
 Read them big headlines. In big letters on the first 
 page, too. (ERASTUS chases TILLY up stage exits 
 TILLY c. to L. ERASTUS comes down L.) 
 
 MARIAN, (reads) The only American who ever 
 attained Nirvana. 
 
 ERASTUS. (MRS. B. S. just lack of Ott. patting 
 SHAVER on shoulder) What do you think of that, 
 my boy? 
 
 SHAVER. (L. CHARLIE goes up c. then drops down 
 L. aside ) Five years at hard labor, at least. 
 
 ERASTUS. Go on, go on. 
 
 MARIAN. (R. reads) Will he become a social 
 lion? 
 
 ERASTUS. Ah, there it is ! Will he become a social 
 lion. That's the kernel of the whole thing will he 
 become a social lion ? 
 
 SHAVER, (aside waitingly) A lamb a lamb to 
 the slaughter that's what I'll be. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (back of Ott.) How did the news- 
 papers get it, ERASTUS ? 
 
 ERASTUS. They were glad to get it jumped at it. 
 
 BERNICE. (R. crosses L. of MARIAN) But why? 
 
 ERASTUS. Why? Because he was a Christian 
 minister, of course, and renounced his religion 
 
 OMNES. A minister? 
 
 ERASTUS. (crosses to girls CHARLIE comes down 
 to L. of SHAVER) Y e es! Didn't you know 
 
48 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 that? (seizing a paper) Look at this here that 
 little item dated from Boston under the big item 
 there. It's in all the papers came by Associated 
 Press. 
 
 SHAVER, (crossing to CHARLIE, Icicks and nudges 
 him with his elbows) Why didn't you tell me I was 
 a minister? 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. of SHAVER) How the deuce did I 
 know? It wasn't so in the passenger list. 
 
 SHAVER. You might have known I was something 
 out of the common when it said Boston. 
 
 BERNICE. (reads) The Eeverend James Tweedle 
 is well known here 
 
 MRS. B. S. (reads) His friends who were seen I 
 expressed the greatest surprise. 
 
 MARIAN, (reads) When told of his renunciation 
 of Christianity 
 
 GERTIE, (reads) And espousal of Buddhism 
 
 BERNICE. But how is this to secure us social 
 recognition, papa? 
 
 MRS. B. S. I've a curiosity 
 
 ERASTUS. (R. c.) There it is that's the word. 
 "Curiosity" especially woman's curiosity properly 
 directed by business talk will accomplish more than 
 all the perseverance or all the money in the world. 
 I tell you when it comes down to a matter of strictly 
 business, ERASTUS Underholt can backfire the whole 
 lot of them. Don't you see how it will be when we 
 excite curiosit-e-e ? Everybody will want to see, what 
 nobody is permitted to see, and they will flee, to our 
 soir-e-e, and we will be select you see, and only admit 
 lay Grande Mond-e-e, which is French for the very 
 first qualit-e-e, and the others will rejected be ! 
 (laughing) Ha, ha, ha! Didn't know your old 
 Dad was a poet, did ye ? 
 
 MARIAN. Eeally, Mr. Underholt, I must compli- 
 ment you. 
 
 ERASTUS. Think it'll fetch 'em, eh? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 49 
 
 MAKIAN. Oh, it is too positively fetching for any 
 use perfect ! 
 
 ERASTUS. There's the opinion of a real society 
 lady, girls. 
 
 MARIAN. But the greatest finesse is necessary. 
 
 ERASTUS. There's the word finesse! 
 
 BERNICE. We must be in to no one. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (L. of ERASTUS) We must observe 
 the greatest secrecy. 
 
 OMNES. Oh, of course. 
 
 MARIAN, (crosses to him) Ah! here is a list I 
 have prepared, containing (offering paper) the 
 names of the twenty representative families of New 
 York. 
 
 ERASTUS. That's the stuff! (reading) "Van 
 Allston De Peyster" Ah, now we have it I'll have 
 invitations sent to all of them for the reception this 
 very day. (MRS. B. S. goes up L. of Ott.) 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) I'll make a last appeal. I must 
 get out of here. (Aloud, to ERASTUS) Ah, you 
 have made a terrible mistake. 
 
 OMNES. Mistake! (ERASTUS crosses to c.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (extreme L.) Yes, father 
 
 SHAVER. (L. in front of sofa) Yes I never was 
 a Christian minister in my life. 
 
 OMNES. Not a minister ! 
 
 SHAVER. No, I'm not! (CHARLIE goes up L.) 
 The newspapers have got me mixed up with an uncle 
 of mine of the same name. 
 
 ERASTUS. Oh, your uncle is able to look out for 
 himself. (MRS. B. S. joins CHARLIE up L.) 
 
 OMNES. Why yes, etc. etc. 
 
 SHAVER. You cannot appreciate how all this noise 
 and excitement jars upon a sensitive soul like mine. 
 
 OMNES. (sympathetically) 0-h-h-h ! 
 
 SHAVER. It shocks me that's what it does it 
 shocks me dreadfully! (CHARLIE Icicles SHAVER 
 with knee) 
 
50 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 BEBNICE. (sighs) Ah, I know his feelings per- 
 fectly. 
 
 MABIAN. (sighs) Yes, and I. (converse with 
 BEBNICE) 
 
 GEETIE. (extreme B.) Me, too! 
 
 SHAVEE. (L. c.) I beg you to allow me to with- 
 draw. 
 
 EEASTUS. (c.) Withdraw! After all the money 
 I've spent on this thing, and just when I've worked 
 it up to a success ? No, sir ! I won't hear of it. I 
 hold you to your contract, (crosses to him patting 
 him on the back) You brace up, my boy. I tell you 
 your fortune and reputation's made ; you stick to me, 
 an' I'll make a lion of you. (BEBNICE goes up c. 
 Comes down L. of SHAVEE going up at door 
 K. u. E.) 
 
 SHAVEE. (aside) I've been a-lyin' now for two 
 days, and I've had enough of it. 
 
 EBASTUS. (at door E. u. aside) Say, GEETIE 
 that feller's a chicken, he'd get away if he could. 
 Well, I'll see that he don't. 
 
 (Exit E. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 BEENICE. (entreatingly) Do not think of leaving 
 us, Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 MES. B. S. Erastus is a little thoughtless at times, 
 but he means well. 
 
 GEETIE. (half tearfully) Just when I was becom- 
 ing so interested, too it's real mean of you there ! 
 
 MABIAN. I think you are really to be envied, Mr. 
 Tweedle. There are many who have gone through a 
 divorce court or breach of promise case without gain- 
 ing half the notoriety you have had. 
 
 SHAVEE. (aside) I'm just starting give me a 
 chance. 
 
 BEBNICE. (appealingly) Say that you have recon- 
 sidered, Mr. Tweedle, and will stay. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 51 
 
 GEETIE. (crosses to him lays hand on his arm, 
 appealingly) Yes, do, for my sake. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (coming down on his L. reprovingly) 
 Gertrude I trust Mr. Tweedle will remain for all 
 our sakes. 
 
 MARIAN. Consider the fame it will bring you. 
 
 BERNICE. And the fortune. 
 
 GERTIE. Yes, and the converts you will make 
 here are four, and papa makes five, and perhaps 
 Charlie 
 
 CHARLIE, (tartly) Oh, never mind Charlie! 
 (goes L.) 
 
 SHAVER, (fervidly) How can I resist your plead- 
 ings, ladies? I love you all so much. 
 
 OMNES. Ah-h-h ! (girls go R. a couple of steps) 
 
 SHAVER, (follows them) With the broad, com- 
 prehensive, brotherly love. Are you all in? (puts 
 arms around them all) 
 
 OMNES. (emphatically) Oh! 
 
 SHAVER. That I couldn't leave you if I would 
 and I wouldn't if I could. 
 
 OMNES. (embracing SHAVER) You. are so good. 
 
 (Enter TILLY c. takes yellow scarf off of screen and 
 comes down stage L. of Ott.) 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) Leave here! Well, I guess 
 not! 
 
 OMNES. But what are these for? 
 
 SHAVER. Copies of the "Light of Asia?" We'll 
 adjourn to the parlor and I will set each of you a 
 lesson to learn from our beautiful philosophy. 
 (SHAVER and LADIES exit R. u. E. CHARLIE hits 
 TILLY with pillow he takes from armchair at 
 mantlepiece exit TILLY c. to L.) 
 
 CHARLIE. What the devil am I to do? (sits de- 
 jectedly on Ott.) He positively doesn't know enough 
 philosophy to last him thirty seconds and here the 
 Governor has advertised him like a circus. Oh, I 
 
52 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 wish Tom were here, (groans) I must have advice 
 and he could help me I have it! I played a 
 minister at college last year I have the clothes 
 I'll be the real JAMES TWEEDLE and drive this fellow 
 out. 
 
 (Exit L. 1 enter TWEEDLE c. from L.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. Am I to find nobody about this house 
 at all ? I shall stay here until I've seen and had an 
 explanation from this impostor, who has assumed my 
 name that I am determined upon, (comes down 
 front of sofa L.) 
 
 (Enter SHAVER R. u. E.) 
 
 SHAVER. I've read of soft easy snaps, (turns and 
 looks toward R. u. E.) but I never thought I'd fall 
 into anything like this. If there is any such thing 
 as Nirvana, I've got it now. (sees TWEEDLE) But 
 it's gone, (comes down R. of Ott. to TWEEDLE) 
 May I ask who you are? 
 
 JAS. TWEEDLE. I am the Reverend James Tweedle. 
 
 SHAVER. Sit down, Mr. Tweedle, sit down. 
 
 TWEEDLE. I am in no humor for sitting, sir 
 not to put too fine a point upon it, I am mad, sir, 
 mad as a hen on a hot griddle. 
 
 SHAVER, (assumed nonchalance) I can under- 
 stand that a hen would not care to set under those 
 circumstances. 
 
 TWEEDLE. I am glad that you perceive the gravity 
 of the situation. 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, indeed, sir. Any true disciple of 
 Gautama would be grieved indeed to see a hen upon 
 a hot griddle. 
 
 TWEEDLE. But all this is beside the question. 
 
 SHAVER. You introduced the hen I didn't. 
 
 TWEEDLE. (taking paper from pocket) Perhaps 
 you will enlighten me concerning this item in the 
 newspaper this morning. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 53 
 
 SHAVEK. Concerning me? 
 
 TWEEDLE. No, sir, concerning me. I am James 
 Tweedle, of Boston. 
 
 SHAVER. So am I. 
 
 TWEEDLE. I am the James Tweedle who arrived 
 on the New York. 
 
 SHAVER. So am I. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Impossible, sir. 
 
 SHAVER. Why, impossible? There are other 
 Tweedles. Tweedle is not an uncommon name. Now, 
 your brother's name would be Tweedle. 
 
 TWEEDLE. True, my brother John went to St. 
 Louis many years ago. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) I'll take a chance with Brother 
 John, (aloud) My father's name is John, and he 
 lives in St. Louis. 
 
 TWEEDLE. But my brother died there twenty 
 years ago. 
 
 SHAVER. Ah ! (sentimentally) You call it death, 
 but we we like to think of them as amongst us 
 always. The dewdrop slips into the shining sea. 
 My father slipped into the river when I was but a 
 year old. 
 
 TWEEDLE. But, I tell you, my brother was never 
 married. 
 
 SHAVER, (affecting a cry) Don't say that it is 
 true, my father's marriage was a secret one but it 
 was all right, Uncle ! 
 
 TWEEDLE. Uncle ! 
 
 SHAVER. Oh, I am sure you are my uncle. The 
 circumstances are too remarkable to be accidental. 
 But what brings you here ? 
 
 TWEEDLE. I have severed my connection with 
 the ministry, and my business in this country is the 
 organization of a joint-stock company for the cultiva- 
 tion of the Kola nut on a gigantic scale. 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) If they see him here, I'll be a 
 Theosophic corpse, not that way (aloud) Step in 
 
54 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 here, (crosses L. to door) And we'll talk it over, 
 Uncle. Quite a rough trip we had. 
 
 TWEEDLE. "We !" You were not on the boat, 
 sir. 
 
 SHAVER. Well, you see, I was broke, and had to 
 come over steerage step in here and I will tell you 
 the story of my life (aside) and probable death! 
 
 (Exit door L. SHAVER and TWEEDLE. Enter TOM c. 
 from L. with satchel and hat box and newspaper.) 
 
 TOM. I have a plan now that can't fail, (reads) 
 The friends of the Reverend James Tweedle were 
 surprised to learn he had left the ministry I played 
 a minister at college two years ago and had sense 
 enough to keep all the clothes. I have them here 
 and I'll step. into this room (R.) and put them on. 
 And when I have forced this impostor to a full con- 
 fession, I'll make myself known to Underholt and 
 claim my reward. 
 
 (Exit R. 1. SHAVER enters from door L. 1 E. fol- 
 lowed by TWEEDLE pushes TWEEDLE back and 
 locks door.) 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) If Underholt sees him I'll go 
 to a dungeon cell. (Enter TILLY with box) Ah, 
 fair Teuton, what is it you bear? (c. from R. she 
 starts R. u. E.) 
 
 TILLY. Dot? Dot's a dress for Mrs. Beekman- 
 Streete. (comes down L. of Ott.) Say, I tole you 
 somedings, if you don't tell no one. Dey both buy 
 de same kind of dresses and Miss Bernice got so mad 
 dat de old hen got some like hers, dat she tole me 
 to send it back alretty. 
 
 SHAVER. A light "breaks in! I will have to jolly 
 this girl and get that dress. Tilly, did you ever 
 love? 
 
 TILLY. Nein. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 55 
 
 SHAVER. Nine! That's bigamy. But that mat- 
 ters not. I'm ten love me. 
 
 TILLY. For what yet ? 
 
 SHAVER. I need a woman's love and a suit of 
 clothes! If I can't get a suit, I'll take a dress. 
 When Miss Bernice's dress arrives, instead of sending 
 it back, fetch it to me, and I'll give you two dollars. 
 
 TILLY. You give me two dollars for dat dress, 
 and maybe I get put by der jail in, I guess nit ! 
 
 SHAVER. No, I'll pay for it. (kisses her) And 
 give you two dollars besides. That seals the bargain. 
 That in itself is worth fifty cents. 
 
 TILLY. Give me four more kisses, and keep the 
 two dollars. 
 
 SHAVER. That were improvident there is one 
 (kisses her) You have three still in bank for a 
 rainy day and I hope we will have pleasant weather. 
 
 TILLY. I took dis up by Mrs. Beekman-Streete, 
 and den I come down and get one more, and keep 
 two for dot day when the rain comes alretty. 
 
 (Exit R. u. E. upstairs.) 
 
 SHAVER. Where will all this end? (starts to 
 door L. 1 E. Enter GERTIE R. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 GERTIE. Oh, Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 SHAVER. Now I'm a goner ! 
 
 GERTIE, (comes R. of sofa) I've come in to keep 
 you company you must be awfully lonesome. 
 
 SHAVER. No I have my other self to argue with. 
 
 GERTIE. Then you don't want me 
 
 (Enter TILLY from stairs, go out c. to L.) 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, I do want you I want you to go 
 in the other room and study the "Light of Asia." 
 
 GERTIE. Let's sit here, (indicating ottoman) 
 And you can explain. 
 
 SHAVER. No, we can't sit here. Now, leave me 
 I feel another trance coming on. 
 
56 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 GERTIE. Are you going to soar away? 
 
 SHAVEK. No, but I think I'll go away sore that 
 is go the spirits are here they wish to converse 
 perhaps with you (knock at door L. TWEEDLE) 
 There they are now go go (putting her up R.) 
 
 GERTIE. When they get through with you, may I 
 have you all to myself ? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes all that's left of me. (GERTIE 
 exits R. u. E. SHAVER starts L. 1 E. ERASTUS enters 
 K. c.) Oh! 
 
 ERASTUS. Come here; don't go flying away like 
 that say, I think you are beginning to fluke I want 
 you to understand that I own you, body and soul. 
 ( TWEEDLE knocks at door L. 1 E.) What's that? 
 
 SHAVER. Oh, that that's me 
 
 ERASTUS. ( coming c.) You? (TWEEDLE knocks) 
 
 TWEEDLE. (outside L. 1 E.) Open this door. 
 
 SHAVER, (at door) That's my uncle the mis- 
 sionary. 
 
 ERASTUS. What does he want? 
 
 SHAVER. He just came to pay a social call. 
 
 ERASTUS. (L. of Ott.) On me? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes. (ERASTUS starts) 
 
 ERASTUS. Then I will look him over. (Starts for 
 door L. 1 E.) 
 
 SHAVER, (stops) No you see, he's a peculiar 
 uncle he won't like you. 
 
 ERASTUS. He won't? Then he'll get out of my 
 house, (goes c.) 
 
 SHAVER (follows him) You see, he's heard you 
 want me, and he's jealous he wants me to go away 
 with him. 
 
 ERASTUS. Before the reception ? (SHAVER n ods) 
 Oh, the kidnapper! (opens the door) What's to be 
 done here? 
 
 SHAVER, (don't understand this) Let him out 
 make it pleasant for him, until after the reception. 
 
 ERASTUS. What loose? (SHAVER nods. Cross- 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 57 
 
 ing R.) Say, you said he was a missionary fetch 
 him out and I'll work him off on Arabella. 
 (SHAVER opens the door L. 1 and cross c.) 
 
 (Enter TWEEDLE L. 1 E.) 
 
 SHAVER. (R. of ottoman introducing) Mr. 
 Underholt, my uncle James Tweedle from Africa 
 ( TWEEDLE crosses to him) 
 
 ERASTUS. (shaking hands warmly) Delighted to 
 know, you, sir, delighted. 
 
 SHAVER. I explained, Uncle, *-o our friend here, 
 that dreadful mistake in the paper,,, confounding you 
 and me. 
 
 ERASTUS. Yes, yes; that's all right we under- 
 stand that. Been on missionary services, eh? 
 
 TWEEDLE. Yes, in the wilds of Africa. 
 
 ERASTUS. (effusively) Now, this is what I call 
 a fortunate coincidence. The heathen in foreign 
 lands is a perfect hobby with my sister. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Indeed ! 
 
 ERASTUS. Perfect hobby! (taking him up c.) 
 If she thought I would let a heathen escape without 
 meeting her, she would have a fit. (Exit ERASTUS 
 and TWEEDLE c.) 
 
 SHAVER. Thank Heaven! Now, if that dress 
 would only arrive. 
 
 (Enter TILLY with boxes c. from L. SHAVER takes 
 boxes.) 
 
 Good! You are my balm of Gilead. (kiss) That 
 one I won't charge you for you have three in bank 
 still. (Exit door L. 1) 
 
 TILLY. I bet I get in trouble mit dem dresses 
 but I got even on Miss Bernice, she all de time talk 
 about her father but I watch him and see dot no- 
 body don't done him up. 
 
 (Enter GLASSMAN with glass c. from L.) 
 
58 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 Dere is der place, (tries it in screen) You got it 
 too big you're Irish. 
 
 GLASSMAN. Well, I'll just take it downstairs and 
 cut it off. (Exit GLASSMAN c. to L.) 
 
 TILLY. All right, I wish I took dose two dollars 
 instead of dose kisses yet. (go up L. c.) 
 
 (Enter BERNICE R. u. E. below stairs.) 
 
 BEENICE. (c.) Papa said the elder Mr. Tweedle 
 had arrived. Have you seen him, Tilly? 
 TILLY. No, ma'am. 
 
 (Enter TOM R. u. E., disguised.) 
 
 BERNICE. (coming down R. of ottoman TILLY 
 busies herself up stage) Oh, you are Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 TOM. (R.) Yes, just arrived from Africa. 
 
 BERNICE. (R. c.) Papa said we were to entertain 
 you. 
 
 TOM. He's so kind. 
 
 BERNICE. If you like, I'll show you the floral 
 decorations for our reception to-night. 
 
 TOM. Charmed. 
 
 (Exit BERNICE and TOM c. door to R.) 
 
 TILLY. He was a sight, (down to L. Enter 
 CHARLIE L. u. disguised) Excuse me (yell. Enter 
 MARIAN R. u.) 
 
 MARIAN, (from stairs) Ah, the elder Mr. 
 Tweedle, I believe? Mr. TJnderholt said we were to 
 do all we could to make your visit pleasant, and if 
 you will allow me to escort you, I'll show you the 
 gallery. (CHARLIE and MARIAN exit L. u. E.) 
 
 TILLY. Dey must be twins. 
 
 (Enter SHAVER dressed in dress L. 1 E.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 59 
 
 TILLY. Oh, you look like a real woman. 
 
 SHAVER. Do I. 
 
 TILLY. Yah. Give me one more. 
 
 SHAVER, (kisses her) You're getting extrava- 
 gant you've only one left. 
 
 TILLY. Und now I go down and talk mit dot glass 
 man. He don't charge me for dose kisses like you do. 
 (Exit c. to L.) 
 
 SHAVER. Now to make my escape if I don't meet 
 someone. 
 
 (Goes up c., looks R. Sees MRS. B. S. R. u., dressed 
 in suit like SHAVER'S. She is adjusting her 
 glove. SHAVER crosses to arch up c. and runs 
 back of screen.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (speaks outside) All right; I'll be 
 back in a minute. 
 
 (Enter R. u. from R v continuation of speech.) 
 
 What a dignified, handsome man that Mr. Tweedle 
 is, and what a compliment he paid me. Well, I 
 flatter myself I did make an impression on him in 
 this dress, (goes down a.) 
 
 (Enter TILLY c. from L. Sees MRS. B. S. and thinks 
 it's TWEEDLE.) 
 
 TILLY. Say, Tweedle, give me dot last kiss what 
 you owe me. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Why, Matilda! 
 
 TILLY, (screams) On the wrong street. (Exit 
 C. D. in a rush) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (crosses L., as she crosses, SHAVER 
 hurriedly crosses and hides behind screen up c. R.) 
 The idea, a servant trying to kiss me ! I never heard 
 of such impudence. I wonder where I left my 
 glasses? I declare I can't see straight since I took 
 that last glass of wine to Mr. Tweedle's health, (bus. 
 
60 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 of looking for glasses. Turns suddenly to screen, 
 perceives her side face through open part of screen. 
 In reality it is SHAVER'S face as he peeks through 
 screen; stands up in front of open part. SHAVER 
 confronts her) Don't I look lovely, (starts to fix 
 sleeves, taking left and right view of dress) Not 
 such a bad figure, either. What a horrible fib I told 
 Mr. Tweedle about my age being only thirty-two. 
 (hearty laugh. Leans forward. Upon straightening 
 up, discovers that SHAVER'S hat is on one side. Now, 
 look at my hat! It's always hanging over my nose, 
 or ear, or some place, (bus. of taking out hat pin, 
 putting pin in mouth, and adjusting hat, which 
 SHAVER imitates. While hat pin is in her mouth, 
 tries to mumble. Puts hat pin in hat, gives a slight 
 scream) I declare I'll pierce my brain some day 
 with these hatpins. There, that's better. Thirty- 
 two, (laughs) Well, I don't think I look more than 
 thirty-two. Scarcely a wrinkle to be seen, except 
 here (bus. of putting hands to forehead) And 
 here (puts hands to chin) Arabella, you naughty 
 girl, it's high time you set your cap, if you wish to 
 catch number three. Oh, that Mr. Tweedle, I could 
 just squeeze him ! He is too sweet for anything. 
 (bus. of holding arms as if to embrace him. Throws 
 kiss at mirror) Ta, ta, Arabella. No, no, you must 
 not waste the nectar of your lips you are waiting 
 for Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 (Exit R. u. E. front of screen.) 
 
 (SHAVER clings to left side of screen as if exhausted. 
 Comes from behind screen much agitated, fan- 
 ning himself. Enter JAMES TWEEDLE R. u. E. 
 SHAVER turns suddenly, confronting TWEEDLE 
 falls into his arms.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. This is my chance. (SHAVER gets 
 away and plays the scene with back to TWEEDLE) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 61 
 
 SHAVER, (comes down L. c., back to TWEEDLE all 
 through scene. Embarrassed, kittenish air) My 
 uncle 
 
 TWEEDLE. Mrs. Beekman-Streete will you look 
 with favor upon my suit ? 
 
 SHAVER, (aside) I'd change it for this dress. 
 (aloud) Assure me you did not hear my foolish 
 prattle. 
 
 TWEEDLE. I assure you, I heard nothing I have 
 another mission you are lonesome. 
 
 SHAVER. I am of course Erastus is very kind, 
 looking after my estate in Kansas City. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Estate ? 
 
 SHAVER. I can't spend my annuity of twenty 
 thousand dollars alone. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Twenty thousand dollars ! 
 
 SHAVER. My first husband, Beekman, was a cy- 
 elonic-swearing poker player from Dakota. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Ah ! 
 
 SHAVER. While Number Two's profanity was bliz- 
 zardy he only played pinochle. 
 
 TWEEDLE. But I will only play Old Maid or 
 Casino. 
 
 SHAVER. Ah! how I have longed for the loving 
 support of a sympathetic soul who would look after 
 my interests ! 
 
 TWEEDLE. Mrs. Streete may I dare to hope ? 
 
 SHAVER. But we have known each other such a 
 little while 
 
 TWEEDLE. But it is not as though we were young 
 and giddy 
 
 SHAVER. I must ask a little time you shall have 
 my answer when I am more composed, (goes up L.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. Every moment will be an agony of 
 suspense. 
 
 SHAVER. I will not detain you long. (Exits c. 
 to R.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. (sol.) This is not so bad. Twenty 
 
6% MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 thousand a year and her home life here is distaste- 
 ful to her. But she certainly lost no time in giving 
 me to understand (down L.) 
 
 (Enter MBS. B. S. c. from E. down stairs.) 
 
 MES. B. S. (aside) My fan where can I have 
 left it? (goes L. c.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. (L. as she starts to go E. u. Advanc- 
 ing eagerly) No, you shall not escape me. You 
 have pledged me your love, and you are mine. 
 
 MES. B. S. (down L. c., struggling) Release me, 
 sir! How dare you? 
 
 TWEEDLE. (over to her, kisses hand) No more 
 profane, poker-playing Beekmans shall mar your 
 life. 
 
 MES. B. S. (horrified, aside) Horrors, he is mad! 
 
 TWEEDLE. (drawing her to him) No more cy- 
 clonic-swearing, pinochle-playing Streetes from Da- 
 kota. 
 
 MES. B. S. (alarmed, aside) Merciful heavens! 
 (breaks away to L.) I am sure he's a raving lunatic. 
 Streete, the Superintendent of a Sabbath School ! 
 
 TWEEDLE. (coming down on her E.) We need 
 not touch one penny of your large annuity. 
 
 MES. B. S. Large annuity? Now I am certain 
 he's crazy, (looks, crosses B. aloud) Where did 
 you get all this extraordinary information? 
 
 TWEEDLE. (aside) Can it be possible the poor 
 woman has a mental affliction? (goes c. a step) 
 
 MES. B. S. Who told you all this ? 
 
 TWEEDLE. Why, you yourself? here not five 
 minutes ago, with your head resting upon my breast, 
 you 
 
 MES. B. S. I! (down E.) My head upon your 
 breast how dare you, sir ! 
 
 TWEEDLE. Do you deny that you were in this 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 63 
 
 room a few minutes ago and that you made what you 
 were pleased to call "a few prattling remarks?" 
 
 MRS. B. S. Before the mirror! (confused, in- 
 dignant) You were eavesdropping ! How could you 
 be so dishonorable! (crosses L.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. You wrong me grossly. You told me 
 you loved me. 
 
 MRS. B. S. I deny it! 
 
 TWEEDLE. Deny it ! 
 
 MRS. B. S. Emphatically! Nothing of the sort 
 ever occurred. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Madam, do you question my veracity? 
 (crosses to L. of her) 
 
 MRS. B. S. No, but I question your senses, (go- 
 ing up R. ) I will leave you until you have recovered 
 them. (Exit MRS. B. S. R. u. E.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. Mad ! Mad as a March hare. I dream 
 of joy, only to be shattered by a rude awakening. 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS door c. from R.) 
 
 Mr. Underholt, do you not think it would have been 
 the better plan to have given me a hint concerning 
 your sister? 
 
 ERASTUS. (up R. c.) Hint? What d'ye mean? 
 
 TWEEDLE. (L. c.) Her mental condition. 
 
 ERASTUS. Mental condition! Explain yourself. 
 
 TWEEDLE. You do not know? 
 
 ERASTUS. Know what? 
 
 TWEEDLE. It becomes my painful duty to inform' 
 you, sir, that your sister is mad! (crosses L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. What's she mad about? 
 
 TWEEDLE. She is crazy, sir positively insane. 
 
 ERASTUS. Pooh, pooh ! 
 
 TWEEDLE. If we may retire here for a moment, 
 I will convince you that I am not mistaken, sir. 
 
 ERASTUS. Oh, very well, step right in there, (in- 
 dicating L. u. E., permits TWEEDLE to enter door 
 L. u. E. As ERASTUS is about to enter, Tie sees SHAVER 
 
64 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 coming on) Ah, here she comes now. Crazy! It's 
 my opinion he's crazy himself. 
 
 (Enter SHAVEE as though pursued Comes down to 
 door L. He is closely followed ly TILLY.) 
 
 SHAVEK. No use I can't get out hedged in on 
 every side. (Exit SHAVEE door L. 1 E.) 
 
 (Enter EBASTUS followed ly TWEEDLE L. u. E. TILLY 
 makes a pretense of dusting furniture with her 
 apron.) 
 
 EEASTUS. (agitated aside) My sister holding 
 secret meetings with this young Tweedle, and with 
 the door locked, (aloud) What does this mean? 
 (c.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. It only verifies. 
 
 EEASTUS. (E.) Ah, ugh! Call that a proof of 
 insanity, do ye? (to TILLY) Come here, girl, 
 ( TILLY advances) Why did your mistress go in 
 that room? 
 
 TILLY. She didn't vent in dot room, sir. 
 
 EEASTUS. Well, of all the barefaced Wasn't you 
 in this room when we came in? 
 
 TILLY. Yah, I vos here. 
 
 EEASTUS. And you tell me she didn't go in there ? 
 (TILLY shakes her head) Who was it, then? 
 
 TILLY. Xo woman didn't vent in when I vos 
 here, (go up) 
 
 TWEEDLE. After all, we may be mistaken. 
 
 EEASTUS. Mistaken! Maybe you think I don't 
 know my own sister? Think I'm crazy, don't ye? 
 (crosses L., knocks at door L. IE.) Arabella! Ara- 
 bella! (no response) Tweedle! Open this door, 
 I say d'ye hear me? 
 
 TWEEDLE. (goes up E. c. Aside, going E. u.) I 
 have no right to be a witness to this family affair 
 I will retire. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. (55 
 
 (Exit TWEEDLE C. to R.) 
 
 EBASTUS. If you don't open this door instantly, I 
 will call a policeman and have it broken open. 
 
 TILLY, (aside) I tole him to trow der suit on 
 der conservatory if he got caught. I go ketch him. 
 (Exit TILLY L. c.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (second time knocking on door L.) 
 Arabella ! Arabella ! I say ! I can see you in 
 there 
 
 (MRS. B. S. appears on stairs, MARIAN, GERTIE and 
 BERNICE appear R. u. E.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. Well, what is it, Erastus? (hastily 
 descends followed by MARIAN, GERTIE and BERNICE) 
 
 ERASTUS. (down L., astounded) What, are you 
 here and in there, too? What is the meaning of all 
 this? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (down R. of ottoman) Where is that 
 dreadful man ? 
 
 ERASTUS. To what dreadful man do you refer? 
 How did you get out of that room without my seeing 
 you? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Out of which room? 
 
 ERASTUS. That room there ! 
 
 MRS. B. S. I wasn't in that room. 
 
 ERASTUS. I saw you with my own eyes enter that 
 room not two minutes ago and lock the door behind 
 you. 
 
 GERTIE. Why, papa Auntie ha been upstairs for 
 ten minutes, telling me of the dreadful actions of 
 that Mr. Tweedle. 
 
 ERASTUS. I could have sworn what's the matter 
 with this darned house, anyway ? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Something dreadful going on we will 
 all be murdered. 
 
 ERASTUS. Murdered ! 
 
 MRS. B. S. I tell you that Mr. Tweedle is violent- 
 ly insane. 
 
66 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 ERASTUS. He's just as positive you are crazy. 
 
 MRS. B. S. I ! Listen half an hour ago I came 
 into this room to adjust my new costume in the 
 mirror there ( TILLY appears at lack listening L. 
 u. E.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Mirror! What mirror? 
 
 MRS. B. S. The mirror in the screen there 
 
 ERASTUS. There's no mirror in that screen. It 
 was broken this morning. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (going up to screen R. of c. ERASTUS 
 faces her on her L.) I am perfectly aware of what I 
 am saying you need not contradict me. I refer to 
 this mirror here (goes to screen feels in open 
 space, puts hand to breast, comes front in half faint- 
 ing condition, falls in chair placed to receive her) 
 Heavens! Can it be possible that I am losing my 
 mind? (ERASTUS pats her hand. GERTIE gets water 
 from table. BERNICE produces smelling salts. All 
 crowd around her. Enter GLASSMAN with mirror, 
 which just fits the open space in screen. Places it in 
 position, holding it there.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (appealingly.) But there was a mir- 
 ror there a few moments ago, tell me that you be- 
 lieve me when I say, there was one there. 
 
 ERASTUS. (humoring) Oh, yes, there was one 
 there, (aside) I'd better send for Dr. Giles, (go- 
 ing up, sees his reflection in mirror, screams and 
 starts to door L.) What is it haunted? (Exit 
 GLASSMAN with glass c.) It's you, Tweedle. 
 (ERASTUS goes up and sees there is no glass and is 
 dumbfounded, starts for door L. again. Enter 
 SHAVER L. 1 in yellow robe TWEEDLE, R. u. E. 
 CHARLIE L. u. E. and TOM c. They stand in row 
 at c. as ERASTUS turns and sees them, he falls to 
 knees completely nonplussed; SHAVER falls on otto- 
 man) 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 ACT III 
 
 SCENE: Drawing room at UNDERHOLT'S house. 
 Chandelier lighted, piano L. 2. Piano lamp 
 lighted, sofa L. c., table R. c., furniture ad lib., 
 to make up an elegant apartment. Large c. 
 opening and openings R. and L. 3 and K. and L. 1. 
 
 DISCOVERED : At rise : CHARLIE. 
 
 CHARLIE, (seated on sofa L.) One hour more 
 ah, I dare not think. Why did I ever bring that 
 man Shaver here? 
 
 (Enter TILLY with tray c. from R., two glasses, cham- 
 pagne bottle and note talces all but note with 
 her when she exits.) 
 
 TILLY. Here's a note dot come for you one hour 
 ago. 
 
 CHARLIE, (rises and goes up L. c.) An hour 
 ago ! What made you hurry with it ? 
 
 TILLY. I always was in a hurry. 
 
 CHARLIE. Who brought it, Tilly? 
 
 TILLY. A little shaver. 
 
 CHARLIE, (shocked) What, another! 
 
 TILLY. What? 
 
 CHARLIE. Another shaver? 
 
 TILLY. My sister in Germany has got two little 
 shavers. 
 
 CHARLIE. May angels guard and bless them. 
 
 TILLY. Ain't that nice? I'll tell my sister what 
 you said when I write some more letters by Germany. 
 (Exit L. 2 E.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (opens note) "Charlie dear: Why 
 have you been so cold to me of late? Tell me why. 
 
68 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 I want to see you before the reception. Will come 
 early, Yours, 
 
 MABIAN." 
 
 Well, if anybody wants to see me, they'd better come 
 before the reception. I don't know what to say to 
 that poor, dear girl. When my father learns of this 
 mock reception, I'll be kicked out of the house, and I 
 won't be able to support myself, let alone a wife. 
 (goes to piano-stool) 
 
 (Enter MAEIAX c. from L.) 
 
 Marian dear owing to the fact that my father is 
 going to kick me out of the house, it will be impossi- 
 ble for me to marry you and it only illustrates the 
 old adage: "When poverty comes in at the door, 
 love flies out at the window." 
 
 MAEIAX. (comes down L. behind him, arm around 
 his neck) But if the wife keeps the door locked, 
 poverty can't get in, Charlie. 
 
 CHARLIE. Ah, Marian, that's a very pretty theory, 
 but this is not a theory it's a condition that con- 
 fronts me. 
 
 MARIAX. (comes c.) Then I was right; our en- 
 gagement at the Springs was only a summer flirta- 
 tion. 
 
 CHARLES, (follows her) Ah, Marian, I 
 
 MARIAX. There, Charlie, don't try to explain 
 it's the same old story a summer day you there, I 
 here a glance a tender squeeze of the hand sum- 
 mer again train back to Xew York, and the old 
 janitor has nothing before to sweep into the sea but 
 broken hearts, all pierced with arrows, (goes R.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Marian, I 
 
 MARIAX. There, there I'm not the injured 
 party; I, too, was but a summer girl, (sits L. of 
 table R.) 
 
 CHARLIE, (going to her) Can't you see how 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 69 
 
 hard you are making all this for me? It isn't my 
 fault it's father's. 
 
 MARIAN. What did he say? 
 
 CHARLIE. You know what he says he won't have 
 anything further to do with me. Wants me to do 
 something for myself says I'm worthless, shiftless, 
 wants me to prove that there's some metal in me. 
 
 MARIAN. Well, I always thought you had some 
 brass. 
 
 CHARLIE. Are you getting discouraged? 
 
 MARIAN. No, Charlie, only I was thinking of the 
 other side. Do you remember how seriously we used 
 to talk of marriage at the Springs ? 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c.) Yes. We swore we'd be noth- 
 ing to each other but just chums, playmates, and here 
 we are sweethearts. 
 
 MARIAN. But not for long, I fear You know we 
 may look at it all right, but when our money is 
 gone 
 
 CHARLIE. Which will be about Wednesday. 
 
 MARIAN. Or sooner 
 
 CHARLIE. Do you know, Marian, I really believe 
 I shall be compelled to go to work? 
 
 MARIAN, (rises) You work! What could you 
 do what could we do ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Or whom could we do now, there's 
 something in that. 
 
 MARIAN. Can't you be serious for a few min- 
 utes? 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes (stops suddenly) No, I've got 
 to kill a man by the name of Shaver. It's no use. 
 
 MARIAN, (alarmed) Don't say that who is he 
 what is he? 
 
 CHARLIE. Don't you know who Shaver is ? 
 
 MARIAN. No, dear. 
 
 CHARLIE. Well, it's too long a story, but it's a 
 case of crepe on his door-knob or mine. 
 
 (Enter TILLY L. c.) 
 
70 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 TILLY. Your fader wants to see you about dose 
 receptions. 
 
 MARIAN. I will go find the girls, as I said I would 
 be here early. (Exit R. u. to R., kissing hand to 
 CHARLIE) 
 
 CHARLIE. All right, Tilly, I'll go and see him, I 
 suppose. (Exit L. 3) 
 
 TILLY, (comes down c.) I'm completely tired 
 out mit dressing all dose people they all got new 
 dresses an' one wants to look better as de oder, and 
 Mrs. Beekman-Streete's got so much powder on, she 
 can't see her face through it. (crosses up c.) 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS and SHAVER, arm in arm, from 
 R. c., ERASTUS is smoking a very large cigar.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (on SHAVER'S R.) You better remain 
 here on view in the drawing-room, (crosses up 
 SHAVER L. To TILLY) Tilly, you go downstairs 
 and see Jennings, and tell him that when my guests 
 come, he can tell 'em that the carriages may be 
 ordered for 10:30. (Exit TILLY L. c.) 
 
 SHAVER. (L. c.) And the hearse at 10:31. 
 
 ERASTUS. (R. c.) To-night's the night to- 
 night's the night I've been waiting for this for three 
 long years, and I always knew I had a good thing in 
 you. 
 
 SHAVER. But, I'm 
 
 ERASTUS. (interrupting) There, there that'll 
 do. The only trouble's been that you've had too 
 much liberty. (looking at him very sternly) I 
 thought I had 'em yesterday I saw everything 
 double and as for that uncle of yours, every time I 
 look at him now, I see whole bunches of him. I'll 
 keep my eye on you until after this reception is over. 
 Then you can fly away to India or any old place you 
 want to. 
 
 SHAVER. But suppose I'm a failure 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 71 
 
 ERASTUS. What, you a failure after what I've 
 seen you do? (shaking head and crossing to table 
 R.) Jamais la vie not on your life, (rings bell on 
 table R.) Here, have a smoke, (talcing out cigar) 
 Oh, I remember you don't smoke, (puts cigar in 
 other pocket.) 
 
 (Enter JENNINGS c.) 
 
 Jennings, bring me a high ball of whiskey, (exit 
 JENNINGS c. to L.) Tweedle, you ought to learn to 
 smoke, (sits in armchair L. of R. table) There's 
 lots of comfort in it. Sometimes I sit here and smoke 
 and think think of the days when I didn't want no 
 society ah, my gals was babies then, (sighs and 
 puffs cigar) They're young ladies now. (SHAVER 
 sniffs cigar) 
 
 (JENNINGS enters, places whiskey and syphon on 
 table, directly at ERASTUS' elbow. The whiskey 
 and syphon are on silver tray, also large glass 
 with piece of ice in it. JENNINGS pours out 
 drink. ) 
 
 SHAVER, (sniffing) I'll bet that's a twenty center. 
 (L. of ERASTUS) 
 
 ERASTUS. Thank you, Jennings that'll do just 
 leave it. (exit JENNINGS. Turning to SHAVER) 
 And, Tweedle, you ought to learn to drink too. Per- 
 haps you will some day, when you get more ac- 
 customed to our ways, (has drink in right hand, 
 cigar in left) Well, here's how! (drops cigar by 
 accident, puts whiskey glass down on tray and turns 
 to lean over L. away from table to pick up cigar. At 
 this moment TILLY enters R. 1, sees tray with glass 
 and whiskey on it on table and, unobserved by either 
 SHAVER or ERASTUS, takes same up and exits c. 
 ERASTUS, in the meantime, has picked up cigar, 
 dusted the end off with handkerchief, puffs and turns 
 
72 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 again to take, up drink, discovers same gone, pan- 
 tomime business, looking at SHAVEB) At it again 
 it's not right, Tweedle, I suppose I'll have to have 
 my things nailed after this, (rises) Well, now, I'll 
 take a run down to my kitchen and see how my chef's 
 getting along with the supper, (starts up c.) 
 
 SHAVEK. And I'll wait here, (crosses L. goes and 
 sits on sofa L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. You'll do nothing of the kind. Do you 
 think I'm going to let you out of my sight ? I never 
 know what you'll do next, (leading him off c.) 
 
 SHAVER. Let's postpone it. 
 
 ERASTUS. Postpone nothing say, look here I 
 think you're trying to get out of this. 
 
 SHAVER. You do get the funniest ideas into your 
 head. 
 
 ERASTUS. (indicating where drink has been on 
 table) Yes, and you do get the funniest drinks into 
 your head. 
 
 SHAVER. What I meant was this parading me 
 around the crowd they might suspect. 
 
 ERASTUS. Do you suppose I care what they think ? 
 
 SHAVER. I feel another trance coming on (puts 
 hand to head) 
 
 ERASTUS. Don't have it now I order you not to 
 have it now. 
 
 SHAVER. Don't bring me to 
 
 ERASTUS. To ? (indicating table again) 
 
 You just had one it was a corker! (crosses up, 
 takes SHAVER by the arm, walks around) Don't have 
 it now keep it save it until I have company then 
 have it and I'll pay you extra to run it off. 
 
 (Exit with him c. to R.) 
 (Enter CHARLIE L. 1.) 
 CHARLIE. If this thing keeps up, it will turn my 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 73 
 
 hair to a silvery white. The best thing I can do is 
 to pack my trunk and get out of here. I wouldn't 
 care if the governor murdered him and it all leaked 
 out but I I am the subject of the inquest, (enter 
 TOM c. from L. To TOM) Tom, why in the name of 
 time, didn't you tell me you were going to imper- 
 sonate the real Tweedle ? 
 
 TOM. (down c.) Well, I had those old clothes 
 from that burlesque we played two years ago at 
 college, and I thought by showing him up to my 
 hope-to-be-very-soon-father, I would gain my point. 
 I say, why didn't you tell me? 
 
 CHARLIE. (R.) Why didn't someone tell us? 
 (crosses to R.) Well, Tom, it's too late now this 
 will be a skyrocket, (he holds out hand. TOM rises 
 and both shake) Will you always keep a bunch of 
 violets growing in my room ? 
 
 TOM. (R. c.) Oh, pshaw! You will persist in 
 giving up. Look at me I have more to contend with 
 than you have. I've been refused by your sister, 
 kicked out by your father, but I am here. "Faint 
 heart ne'er won fair lady," you know. 
 
 CHARLIE. (R.) But this is not a case of faint 
 heart, nor fair lady. Tom, it's the rise and fall of a 
 promising existence especially the fall. 
 
 (Enter GERTIE c. from R.) 
 
 GERTIE. Oh boys come here (beckons them and 
 they come down on either side) Promise me not to 
 tell 
 
 CHARLIE. Perhaps he's dead. 
 
 GERTIE. Auntie's in love with Mr. Tweedle. (both 
 boys turn away disgusted) Oh, they've got it bad. 
 She looks at him and sighs (sighs) And he 
 looks at her and sighs then they look at each other 
 and both sigh together. 
 
 TOM. Where were you? 
 
74 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 GERTIE. I went to get this flower. I'm going to 
 sigh too. 
 
 TOM. Oho in love? 
 
 XTEKTIE. Whole heart can't eat can't sleep 
 can't even think. 
 
 TOM. Aren't you too young ? 
 
 GERTIE. Now, don't accuse me of that. That's 
 what Auntie and Bernice say. To hear them talk, 
 one would think youth was a crime. 
 
 CHARLIE. (R. c.) Who's the object of this great 
 devotion ? 
 
 GERTIE, (makes big bow) Your friend from 
 India, (both boys shocked. CHARLIE goes c. and 
 takes GERTIE'S hand kisses her c.) But he doesn't 
 care the least little bit for me. 
 
 TOM. (L. c.) You'd better think twice about it. 
 
 GERTIE. Twice ? I think of it a hundred times a 
 minute. 
 
 (Enter BERNICE R. 3 E.) 
 
 BERNICE. (comes down R. of GERTIE) Gertie, 
 where is papa? 
 
 GERTIE. Why what's the matter ? 
 
 BERNICE. Oh, nothing, only I wish to see him 
 before our guests arrive. (ToM goes to BERNICE and 
 extends hand) 
 
 TOM. Bernice 
 
 BERNICE. Mr. Valentine I am pleased to see 
 you. I trust you will enjoy yourself at our reception 
 this evening, (crosses to CHARLIE) Charlie, will 
 you tell papa I wish to see him? 
 
 GERTIE, (crosses to R. of TOM. To TOM) It's 
 awful, isn't it? 
 
 CHARLIE. I don't want to see papa, nor anybody 
 else I'm an exile from home. 
 
 (Enter MARIAN c. from L.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 75 
 
 MARIAN, (c.) Well, girls, you see Pm here and 
 early, too. 
 
 BERNICE. I knew you wouldn't disappoint us. 
 And you're going to introduce us to all your friends. 
 
 MARIAN, (slightly shocked, Aside) Friends! I 
 never thought of that I don't know a single one of 
 them, (aloud) Why, certainly I am. (crosses L.) 
 
 (Enter ERASTUS c. from R.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (comes down R. c.) Well, gals, one 
 hour more and we'll all be in it. My, my, how nice 
 you do look. Dressed up to the nines, too. Here, 
 Gert, give your pop a kiss. (GERTIE crosses to him. 
 He kisses her. Turning to BERNICE) Bernice, sa- 
 lute your father. Ah, Miss Hayste, too. (crosses to 
 her, shakes hands with her) 
 
 MARIAN. Why, Mr. Underholt. 
 
 ERASTUS. Look out for her, gals she's a rival. 
 
 MARIAN. Do you like it ? 
 
 ERASTUS. If I had more here (indicating bald 
 head) and less here (indicates stomach) I'd set 
 my cap for you myself. 
 
 MARIAN. It's from Worth, you know. Is it a 
 good fit? (turning round) 
 
 ERASTUS. Oh, dear me, yes. (aside, looking at 
 her back) If it was any more of a fit, it would be 
 a convulsion, (aloud) Now, gals, you must tell 
 your old Pop what he's got to do. First, we've got 
 Tweedle, the wizard; he'll do his tricks, and Senor 
 Spaghetti is engaged to sing what's the rest of the 
 programme ? 
 
 BERNICE. (in a marked manner) The rest of the 
 program ? 
 
 GERTIE. (R. c. slightly toward him interrupt- 
 ing) The rest of the programme is well, first, you 
 must receive the guests. 
 
 ERASTUS. (with hand on breast, making absurd 
 bow) Oh, that's easy. 
 
76 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 MARIAN. And at twelve o'clock, lead the German. 
 
 ERABTUS. (in amazement) Who, Tilly? (all 
 shocked and walk up stage, except GERTIE) What 
 German ? 
 
 GERTIE, (whispering in his ear) Why, Pop, the 
 German's a dance. 
 
 BERNICE. He'll spoil it all. (girls up c.) 
 
 GERTIE. Well, never mind. 
 
 ERASTUS. I can't see myself in that Charlie. 
 (who is L. and R. of MARIAN) Boy, you'll have to 
 help me out, or else you (he turns suddenly, sees 
 TOM who is down L. of BERNICE, gets very angry) 
 I thought I told you never to come in my house 
 again ? 
 
 TOM. (R. c.) You did, but I've drawn cards and 
 I'll be in at the call, if I go broke. 
 
 ERASTUS. (c.) Well, you have got the All right, 
 young fellow, I'll fly a flag of truce with you to-night 
 but to-morrow morning we'll have a fresh deal all 
 around. 
 
 CHARLIE. And I won't be ace high. 
 
 GERTIE, (comes to ERASTUS c. on his R.) Oh, 
 Papa, dear, where's Mr. Tweedle? 
 
 ERASTUS. (throwing hands in the air) Holy 
 ginger! I bet he's having that trance in the hall. 
 I'll stop that. 
 
 (Exit c. to R. GERTIE has followed him up c. looks 
 off after him. TOM and BERNICE R. c. and 
 CHARLIE and MARIAN L. c. ALL talk privately) 
 
 TOM. (to BERNICE) Now, I've been given half a 
 chance; won't you give me one opportunity to im- 
 prove it? 
 
 BERNICE. Until our other guests arrive, yes. After 
 that, we meet only as friends. (BERNICE turns to 
 CHARLIE) Ah, Charlie, we have you to thank for 
 all this to-night. It was you who brought Mr. 
 Tweedle here. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 77 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes, I am to blame for it all. 
 (Enter MRS. B. S., c. from L., to c. ALL ad lib.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. (GERTIE comes down to her R.) Well, 
 girls, once more third time. 
 
 ALL. What? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (c.) In love. I want you all to stand 
 up with me. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c.) Who is the victim? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (c.) We are speaking of a wedding, 
 not an execution. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c.) Same thing. 
 
 MARIAN. (L.) And yet, isn't it funny how many 
 men are willing to become matrimonial martyrs. 
 
 GERTIE. Can I really stand up with you, Auntie ? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Yes, and Bernice too. 
 
 BERNICE. (bus.) Is it really serious, Aunt? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Do you know he proposed so suddenly 
 to me yesterday it completely unnerved me and I 
 frightened him away, so I had to begin all over again. 
 But I'll win him I can almost scent the orange 
 blossoms now. 
 
 BERNICE. Well, it would be a novelty, Auntie? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Not to me very simple. You drive 
 up in a carriage, jump gaily down to the walk, up 
 the steps, stop a few moments at the church door, 
 shed a few tears, up the aisle and you meet him. 
 
 GERTIE. What him? 
 
 MRS. B. S. There's only one him at a wedding. 
 (goes c. Pantomime bus. by MRS. B. S. of a marriage 
 ceremony, as she puts her hand out for the supposed 
 ring) 
 
 CHARLIE. I do. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Thanks, (continues pantomime as if 
 bridegroom had forgotten ring in vest pocket. 
 Fumbles, finds it, completes pantomime. Turn 
 walks up c. all characters on stage hum in unison 
 
78 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 first strain of wedding march. MRS. B. S. turns and 
 comes down c.) 
 
 CHABLIE. Then hire a detective and get evidence. 
 (all shocked) 
 
 MRS. B. S. A short honeymoon trip, then "Two 
 souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat 
 as one/' 
 
 GERTIE. Which one ? 
 
 MRS. B. S. With me, mine. 
 
 BERXICE. (R. c.) Quite right, Auntie; the wife 
 should be the queen. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c.) That's it, Marian; a woman is 
 always at the bottom of every (breaks speech) 
 
 MARIAN. (L.) There, there, Charlie it is barely 
 possible when a man is at the top of the ladder, a 
 woman may be at the bottom of it ? 
 
 CHARLIE. Yes, just to pull it from under him. 
 
 TWEEDLE. (outside) Never mind, I'll find him. 
 
 MRS. B. S. That voice! Be still, (puts her 
 hand to her heart. Sits L.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. (outside) I'll look in here ah, there 
 she is. 
 
 (Enter TWEEDLE. Crosses c., R. of MRS. B. S. 
 Other characters with the exception of MRS. B. S. 
 have hidden either side of stage. As he comes 
 down, they hum strain of wedding march as 
 before and exit c. to R. in single file, keeping 
 step, still humming strain.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. That tune ought Great Heavens ! 
 They've stopped, (turns to TWEEDLE) Oh, Mr. 
 Tweedle, don't you adore music? It charms me. 
 
 TWEEDLE. (R. c.) It does indeed have charms to 
 soothe the savage beast. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (L. c.) What? 
 
 TWEEDLE. That is, when played in a jungle. 
 But in civilized countries, it does draw souls closer 
 together. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 79 
 
 MRS. B. S. It's coming. A few more bars of that 
 music would fetch him. 
 
 TWEEDLE. Mrs. Streete Arabella may I call you 
 Arabella? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (L.) He does mean business. 
 
 TWEEDLE. (L. c.) May I? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Yes, James, (both sit on sofa, she 
 on his L.) 
 
 TWEEDLE. That affair of yesterday 
 
 MRS. B. S. Oh, don't mention it 
 
 TWEEDLE. It must have been my love for you that 
 turned my head. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Well, I was cross, too. 
 
 TWEEDLE. You are so forgiving. Do you know, I 
 was thinking of your lonely condition, and of mine, 
 and as misery loves company 
 
 MRS. B. S. (starts quickly) Misery ! (about to 
 rise lie stops her) 
 
 TWEEDLE. I didn't mean that! Mrs. Streete 
 Arabella I can no longer keep my secret (drops 
 on one knee) 
 
 (Enter GERTIE c. from R.) 
 
 GERTIE. (R.) Am I in the way? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (crosses c. aside) So near and yet so 
 far ! (aloud) Oh, no, not at all. Mr. Tweedle was 
 just telling me 
 
 GERTIE. (R.) About the heathen? 
 
 TWEEDLE. Yes, yes; we were talking about the 
 heathen. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Mr. Tweedle, you were talking about 
 (noise outside) 
 
 (Enter SHAVER R. c. running. TWEEDLE goes up T ... 
 and works around up R. c.) 
 
 GEBTIE. (R.) What's the matter 
 
80 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER, (c.) It is the cook. 
 
 GEKTIE. (c.) What's he doing? 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c.) He's doing your father. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (L. c.) Perhaps you are not ac- 
 customed to large receptions, as ours will be to-night. 
 
 SHAVER. No, they're like funerals. A man only 
 thoroughly enjoys them once a lifetime, (up c., 
 looks off R. and L., then comes down to piano L.) 
 
 GERTIE. Pop ain't stuck on it either. He's only 
 done it for us girls. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (L. c.) Erastus does look like a fish 
 out of water in a dress suit. 
 
 GERTIE, (to SHAVER) I wish they'd get out. (to 
 MRS. B. S.) Auntie, why don't you and Mr. Tweedle, 
 Sr., go into the conservatory? I'm sure you will 
 enjoy the palms. Is it all fixed? 
 
 MRS. B. S. (crosses to her) No, you came in a 
 minute too soon. 
 
 TWEEDLE. (aside) I'll make another attempt. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (to GERTIE) Now, just play a bar 
 or two as we pass. ( GERTIE crosses L. ) 
 
 TWEEDLE. (coming down R. of MRS. B. S.) Shall 
 we? (offer L. arm) 
 
 MRS. B. S. Certainly, certainly, if you insist. 
 (beckons to GERTIE GERTIE plays wedding march 
 on piano. TWEEDLE and MRS. B. S. cross to R. c.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. Isn't that a lovely air? 
 
 TWEEDLE. Yes, what is it? 
 
 MRS. B. S. It's an old favorite of mine, (both 
 exit R. c.) 
 
 GERTIE, (sitting on piano stool, turns around) 
 She's in love with him. 
 
 SHAVER, (leaning against piano stool) She can 
 have him. She saw him first. I had my fingers 
 crossed. 
 
 GERTIE. Has he attained Nirvana ? 
 
 SHAVER. No, but he will if he gets her. 
 
 GERTIE, (seated on piano stool) Well, tell me 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 81 
 
 when one has attained Nirvana, can one see all his 
 previous existences? 
 
 SHAVER. All ! 
 
 GERTIE. (L. c.) Well, tell me all the lives you 
 have lived, and the different forms you have taken. 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c.) Well, you see, I have lived so 
 many lives that I 
 
 GERTIE. Well, tell me the very first that you can 
 remember. 
 
 SHAVER. You wouldn't believe me. 
 
 GERTIE. Not believe you ! Why ? 
 
 SHAVER. Tell me did you ever feel a sort of 
 longing, yearning, here? (bus.) 
 
 GERTIE. Before meal times, yes. 
 
 SHAVER. No, not that! (both come down c.) 
 Listen ! Two thousand years ago I was a bird. 
 
 GERTIE. (L. c.) Oh, yes, I heard Charlie tell Tom 
 Valentine that you were a cuckoo. 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c.) A cuckoo? No; I was a sacred 
 white Ibis, on the banks of the Nile, and you were 
 my mate. 
 
 GERTIE. Your first mate? 
 
 SHAVER. My first and only mate. Try and think, 
 
 can't you? Black top-knots on our heads ? 
 
 (GERTIE shakes head. Enter TILLY, stands back c. 
 Continuing) And long, and very slender legs. Are 
 you thinking. 
 
 GERTIE. Yes, I'm thinking awfully hard. But it's 
 too far back, I guess. 
 
 SHAVER. When you have attained Nirvana, you 
 will see all distinctly. Those were peaceful, happy 
 days. 
 
 GERTIE, (seriously, as if his talk had convinced 
 her) Do you know, I can stand for the longest time 
 on one foot. 
 
 SHAVER. I knew it you are mine. You feel the 
 affinity, don't you? 
 
 GERTIE. Well, just a little, (crosses R. demurely) 
 
82 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER. Well, the rest will come in time. 
 
 GERTIE. Don't think that I'm trying to rob you 
 of your spiritual love. 
 
 SHAVER. Oh, well, I have Tuesdays and Saturdays 
 to myself exclusively. 
 
 GERTIE. Oh have you? Well, may I have those 
 days? 
 
 SHAVER. Yes, and if I can secure a spiritual 
 divorce, you may have the others. 
 
 GERTIE. Oh, you are so kind. 
 
 SHAVER. You would be my angel wife. 
 
 GERTIE. Would you build the fires? 
 
 SHAVER. Figuratively speaking, yes! 
 
 GERTIE. No, I won't be so mean I'll help. I'll 
 pour on the kerosene. 
 
 SHAVER. Then you would be my angel wife ! 
 
 GERTIE. Now, remember, you're mine. I'll go 
 and tell Auntie, and make her jealous. 
 
 (Exit R. 2 humming wedding march. Bus. of TILLY. 
 Stands up stage on one foot. When SHAVER 
 hears ERASTUS he assumes bird attitude on one 
 foot, also down L.) 
 
 (ERASTUS enters R. c. with TILLY, sees SHAVER.) 
 
 ERASTUS. At it again ! I knew it. Will you come 
 out of there? (walks him to c.) Haven't I got 
 trouble enough now? Stop it, I tell you. My chef 
 chasing me out of my own kitchen. But here, you're 
 a wizard what with you and this (taking up seltzer 
 bottle and leading SHAVER by arm) I think I can 
 drown that French prize-fighter out. I will try any- 
 way. Do you know he is going to sue me ? But he 
 will lose his suit. 
 
 SHAVER. If he loses it here, he'll never find it. 
 
 (Exit both R. c.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 83 
 
 TILLY. I wonder where is my affinity? (stands 
 on one foot, burlesque imitation of previous scene 
 between SHAVER and GEETIE. Enter JENNINGS L. c. 
 Looks at her in amazement) 
 
 JENNINGS. What's the matter? Is one broke? 
 (TILLY leading him c.) 
 
 TILLY. (E. o. in mysterious manner) Two thou- 
 sand years ago, I am a geese. 
 
 JENNINGS. (L. c.) Well, you're not far from one 
 now. 
 
 TILLY. Who, you? 
 
 JENNINGS. Yes no ! I'm no goose ! 
 
 TILLY. And all day long I stand in de water on 
 one foot (stands on one foot. JENNINGS imitates) 
 
 JENNINGS. That's easy. 
 
 TILLY. Und blink at de sun, like dot (blinks) 
 and finity got my soul. 
 
 JENNINGS. Finnerty, is it? I knew that Irish 
 Policeman would get ahead of me. (goes up c.) 
 I'll lay for him when he comes on the beat, and he'll 
 answer the roll-call in the morning with only one eye. 
 
 (Exit G. to L.) 
 TILLY. It don't work. 
 
 (ERASTUS Enters c.) 
 
 ERASTUS. I've lost him again. He's escaped me. 
 (seeing TILLY, who has made a dash for c.) Here, 
 you. (takes her by the arm) For the first time 
 since I've owned you, I want you. Now, here, you're 
 German. We're going to dance it to-night, and I 
 want you to teach it to me. 
 
 TILLY, (grinning) Dance, why dot's easy. I'd do 
 anything for you! 
 
 ERASTUS. Well, how does it go? (TILLY hums 
 German dance and dances. ERASTUS imifates her) 
 
84 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 (Enter BERNICE R. 3 E.) 
 
 BERNICE. Why, papa! 
 
 ERASTUS. (c.) Don't bother me; I'm learning the 
 German, (continues dancing) 
 BERNICE. (K. c.) And with the servant, too! 
 
 (Enter MRS. B. S. R. 1 E. with two photographs.) 
 
 MRS. B. S. Why, Erastus ! 
 
 ERASTUS. Don't bother me, I'm happy. 
 
 MRS. B. S. (crosses R. c. coming down c. alongside 
 of ERASTUS) Happy? So am I I fetched him! 
 
 ERASTUS. Fetched who ? 
 
 MRS. B. S. Why, James. He was game, though ; 
 I had to let him out, and wind him in, but I landed 
 him, and he's waiting for me now. I just went to 
 my room to get the pictures of No. 1 and No. 2. 
 (with affected feeling) Poor, dear men ! How glad 
 they will be when they know I'm happy. Here, 
 Erastus (handing photographs) You take them 
 take care of them. 
 
 ERASTUS. Take care of them! I always had to, 
 when they were alive. 
 
 MRS. B. S. Well, it's all for the best, Erastus. 
 And now, I'll go and join No. 3. 
 
 (Exit R. c.) 
 
 ERASTUS. (remains L.) Eun along, Tilly. From 
 this on, your wages are raised five per. 
 
 BERNICE. (coming down R. of TILLY) Go to my 
 room and fetch the list of guests. I wish to become 
 familiar with their names. 
 
 TILLY. I fetch them right away, mum. (to 
 ERASTUS) Don't you forget dot turn, (she dances. 
 ERASTUS imitates her) 
 
 ERASTUS. I've got that down fine. ( TILLY exits. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 85 
 
 ERASTUS comes down stage) Well, dear, to-night 
 makes or breaks us and all for my dear little girls. 
 
 BEBNICE. (E. c. aside) I must tell him. (aloud) 
 Papa darling papa. 
 
 EEASTUS. (c.) Oh, this is a touch. How much? 
 (putting hand in pocket) 
 
 BEENICE. No, not this time. Now, papa, you 
 have no personal interest in society, have you? 
 
 EKASTUS. (E. c.) Not the slightest. 
 
 BEENICE. You have done it all for us ? 
 
 EEASTUS. Yes, and I'll do more. 
 
 BEENICE. And as the guests that are coming to- 
 night will only care to talk of Theosophy, and as you 
 know nothing ahout it 
 
 EEASTUS. Want to cut me out, eh is that it? 
 Just as I learned to dance the German, too. (crosses 
 
 L.) 
 
 BEENICE. (E. c.) Wouldn't you like it? I think 
 I can make all necessary excuses. 
 
 EEASTUS. (L. c.) Afraid I'll get mixed up in the 
 conversation is that it? 
 
 BEENICE. I think I can arrange all that for you 
 and you can sit in the library all by yourself with 
 no one to disturb you. And in the morning (crosses 
 to E.) I'll tell you all about it. 
 
 (Exit E. u.) 
 
 EEASTUS. That'll be nice, (strikes attitude at 
 end of sofa L.) Ashamed of me! That's about the 
 size of it ! Ashamed of her own father ! I'm darned 
 if I can see what for (crossing to table and striking 
 bell) This society racket ain't what it's cracked up 
 to be, at all, at all. Come, Underholt, it's your own 
 fault; you brought the horse to the water and now 
 you're mad because it wants to drink. Talking about 
 drinks, I think I'll have one. (enter JENNINGS) 
 Jennings, bring me a high ball of whiskey. (JEN- 
 NINGS turns to exit. EEASTUS stops him) And 
 
86 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 Jennings, this time you put it right in my hand. I'm 
 not going to take chances, (exit JENNINGS. ERASTUS 
 crosses to end of sofa) After all I've done for them 
 too. Brought them here to New York, put them in 
 this fine house, got up this reception, discovered 
 Sweedles ; for two pins, I'd sell out the whole business 
 and go back to Kansas City, (enter JENNINGS with 
 whiskey) Thank you, Jennings. You may go. 
 (JENNINGS exits. ERASTUS bus. with glass) Well, 
 Tweedles got me into this, and he's got to get me 
 out. (SHAVER enters noiselessly. ERASTUS starts on 
 seeing him) See here, wizard or no wizard, you've 
 got to wear creaky boots, or something. You come 
 in and go out like a shadow. 
 
 SHAVER, (c.) I have been with the spirits. 
 
 ERASTUS. (R. suddenly grasping glass from table, 
 where he has left it) Well, you'll not be with these 
 spirits, I can tell you that, (gulps down drink) 
 Sweedles, what do you think? My daughter my 
 own daughter is ashamed of me. 
 
 SHAVER. Well, I don't blame her. 
 
 ERASTUS. What? 
 
 SHAVER. That is, if you are going to keep up 
 drinking all the time. 
 
 ERASTUS. I never drink, (drinks) 
 
 SHAVER. Why don't you? 
 
 ERASTUS. See here, Sweedles, I'm in this business 
 with both feet. I want to pull out of it. I'm sick 
 of it. Now, you're a wizard you can help me. You 
 fix it, and I'll give you a check for a thousand 
 dollars. 
 
 SHAVER. On the dead? 
 
 ERASTUS. No, on my bank. 
 
 SHAVER. I'll go you. (crosses L.) 
 
 ERASTUS. You keep your word now, and you'll 
 never regret it. It will be good business. 
 
 (Exit c. with glass in hand.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 87 
 
 SHAVER. Now, to gain my liberty and get even 
 with the inebriate son. 
 
 (Enter TOM c. from L.) 
 
 TOM. Mr. Tweedle, can I see you for a moment? 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c.) Yes, and you'll have to do it 
 quickly; I don't expect to last much longer. 
 
 TOM. (c.) I wish to marry in the TJnderholt 
 family. I tried to antagonize you and failed; and 
 now I want to ask your assistance. But not for 
 nothing. I love Miss Bernice, and if you can con- 
 vince her that I am the only affinity her soul can 
 ever find, I'll give you a check for a thousand dollars. 
 
 SHAVER. It's a bargain shake! (they shake 
 hands. TOM goes R.) 
 
 TOM. Is it possible that Charlie's been stringing 
 me, and this is the real thing after all ? I can depend 
 on you? ' 
 
 SHAVER. A thousand dollars' worth no more. 
 (exit TOM R. u. E.) If this keeps up, I'll have a 
 mortgage on Underholt's life, (enter BERNICE R. u. 
 E.) Miss Underholt, I was just thinking of you. 
 
 BERNICE. Of me ? 
 
 SHAVER. (L. c.) Yes. The spirits have told me 
 that you desired your father to be absent from the 
 reception to-night, and the guests will think that he 
 has purposely avoided them. It's too bad. 
 
 BERNICE. (c. surprised) Well, I never thought of 
 that. I will have papa here never fear. 
 
 SHAVER. And another thing I was just speaking 
 to Mr. Valentine, your affinity and he told me he 
 loved another. 
 
 BERNICE. Loved another? Why, who? 
 
 SHAVER. I don't know. Some society belle, I 
 presume. 
 
 BERNICE. (aside) Oh, well, I'll spoil her little 
 game at the first opportunity? (to SHAVER) I'll 
 remember all you have said, Mr. Tweedle. 
 
88 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER. It's never too late to mend. (Enter 
 MBS. B. S. B. c. To MES. B. S.) Where is he? 
 
 MBS. B. S. (c.) He, who? 
 
 SHAVEE. My uncle you are drifting apart. Your 
 souls have been one since the beginning. Find him 
 quick and clasp him fast. Don't delay, but do it! 
 (business. Exit L. c.) 
 
 MES. B. S. Bernice, that man comes straight from 
 Heaven. I have but to obey. 
 
 (Exit B. c.) 
 
 BEENICE. Tom Valentine in love with another! 
 Well, he'll marry me, I'll wager. Now, let me see 
 first to have papa here at the reception and then to 
 put that society lady's nose out of joint ! 
 
 (Exit c. to B.) 
 (Enter SHAVEE L. c.) 
 
 SHAVEE. Well, if the recording angel was ever 
 busy before, my account will give him writer's cramp. 
 
 (Enter MAEIAN c. Sees SHAVEE.) 
 
 MABIAN. Ah, Mr. Tweedle, have you ever loved? 
 
 SHAVEE. Many times that is, on different planes, 
 but always with the same soul. 
 
 MAEIAN. (c.) Then you can help me. I love I 
 love deeply. 
 
 SHAVEE. (L. c.) Who is the object of this love? 
 
 MAEIAN. Charlie Underholt. 
 
 SHAVEE. That drunkard! 
 
 MAEIAN. Don't say that, Mr. Tweedle. Do you 
 know he is in great trouble? He's going to kill a 
 man by the name of Shaver, (crosses E.) 
 
 SHAVES, (very much surprised) Is he? 
 
 MAEIAN. Promise me you won't let him. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 89 
 
 SHAVEB. I'll do all I can to prevent it. 
 
 MARIAN. I don't know what it is all about, but I 
 know it stands between us and if I could only remove 
 this obstacle. 
 
 SHAVER. I've been trying to remove this obstacle 
 for several days. 
 
 MARIAN. (R.) Well, try harder, and I'll give you 
 a check for a thousand dollars. 
 
 SHAVER. (R. c. Aside) I wish somebody'd give 
 me twenty-five cents in cash! This thousand dollar 
 business is getting monotonous. 
 
 MARIAN. Then there'll be no murder? 
 
 SHAVER. Not as long as I live. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE c. from R.) 
 
 MARIAN. There he is tell him now. 
 
 SHAVER, (runs around table) Excuse me I'm 
 Shaver. 
 
 MARIAN. (R. c.) You, Shaver! 
 
 SHAVER. (R. of table R.) Yes, me. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c.) Yes, Marian, the jig's up. 
 Can't you see what a horrible muddle I've made of 
 everything ? Can you ever forgive me, dear ? 
 
 MARIAN, (a little surprised) Yes, and perhaps 
 help you out, too. 
 
 SHAVER, (sitting on edge of table) Don't waste 
 all your sympathy on him. I'm sitting at the point 
 of death myself. 
 
 MARIAN. I gave your father the list of guests, 
 consequently I know them all. We'll send word to 
 them that the reception is off. 
 
 SHAVER. (R. of table R.) I have it I will write 
 them (starts to write on table) that everyone is 
 sick, reception postponed until after the inquest. 
 
 CHARLIE. Oh, that'll never do. Half of them 
 are on their way here now. I'll tell you you sit on 
 the front door step and head them off. 
 
90 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 SHAVER. What? In my pajamas? You want to 
 see me down with pneumonia. 
 
 CHARLIE. (L.) Now, don't argue with me. 
 
 MARIAN, (c.) There, there! Stop that wrangling. 
 The time is here for action. 
 
 SHAVER. (R.) And I'll get the action. 
 
 CHARLIE. It's all hopeless, (goes L.) 
 
 MARIAN. Never mind, Charlie sink or swim, I'll 
 be with you. 
 
 (Enter TILLY, R. c. with apron full of envelopes.) 
 
 MARIAN. Tilly, wait a minute. 
 TILLY. I can't do it I'm two days late now. 
 MARIAN. With what? 
 
 TILLY. The invitations for the reception. I for- 
 got to mail them. I'll do it now. 
 
 (CHARLIE, MARIAN and SHAVER, with exclamations, 
 rush for TILLY. In the struggle, she drops in- 
 vitations on floor. They gather them up and 
 hide them under pillows of sofa, in vases and 
 various parts of the room.) 
 
 TILLY, (c.) I'll bet I'll lose my place. 
 
 SHAVER. You can have mine. (TILLY exits c. 
 to R.) 
 
 TILLY, (as she exits) I don't want it. 
 
 CHARLIE. How are we going to square this with 
 the Governor? 
 
 MARIAN, (coming c.) Mr. Tweedle, tell him he's 
 in a trance. 
 
 SHAVER. I've been trying to tell him that ever 
 since I've been here. (MARIAN goes up c., calls off 
 to TILLY) 
 
 MARIAN. Tilly, tell Mr. Underholt that Mr. 
 Shaver I mean Mr. Tweedle wants to see him here 
 at once. 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 91 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. to SHAVER) Now, here's a chance to 
 distinguish yourself. 
 
 SHAVER. Extinguish is more like it. He may 
 stand for a jag, but I'm afraid of the trance. 
 
 MARIAN, (coming c.) Jag that's it. You make 
 him believe that he's intoxicated. 
 
 (Enter TOM and BERNICE R. 3 E.) 
 
 TOM. (to SHAVER who is R. of table) You get 
 the thousand, (bus. of SHAVER handing TOM pen 
 and TOM writing check, sitting L. of table R.) 
 
 MARIAN. (L. c.) What? 
 
 BERNICE. (R. c.) Yes, we agreed to be the best 
 of friends. Didn't we, Tom? 
 
 TOM. Always! 
 
 BERNICE. But what's the use? I'm afraid papa 
 won't give his consent. 
 
 MARIAN. Why? 
 
 BERNICE. Because I asked papa not to be present 
 at our reception, to-night. This reception Oh! I 
 wish it wasn't going to take place. 
 
 (Enter GERTIE c. door.) 
 
 GERTIE. What's the matter ? 
 
 MARIAN. We may as well be frank; we're all in 
 it together. The reception is off. (GERTIE and 
 BERNICE very much surprised and say "What!" TOM 
 and SHAVER rise) Yes, Tilly forgot to mail the 
 invitations, and Mr. Tweedle is going to pretend to 
 put your father in a trance and make him believe 
 he countermanded the invitations himself. 
 
 TOM. (walks to BERNICE) If it works, I'll make 
 him believe he gave us his consent before he sobered 
 up. 
 
 GERTIE. How are you going to do it? 
 
 CHARLIE. All hide, and when we see him come 
 
92 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 in, we'll all come out one by one and make him be- 
 lieve he's intoxicated beyond redemption. 
 
 SHAVER. That's right, (as they all start to exit, 
 SHAVER gets frightened) Don't leave me alone with 
 him. You'll all help ? 
 
 ALL. Yes. 
 
 GERTIE. I'm glad of the chance. I'd rather play 
 with Pop than anybody I know. Besides he doesn't 
 have much fun. 
 
 SHAVER. Well, he will in a minute. 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside) Very well, Tilly, I'll go up 
 to him. (entering) Oh, there you are Tweedles. 
 Do you think you can fix it? (noticing SHAVER'S 
 assumed trance) Oh, don't do that please don't do 
 it again. 
 
 SHAVER. Just a short one. (SHAVER pretends tu 
 put ERASTUS in a trance, otherwise hypnotize him. 
 Burlesque. ERASTUS resents this) You've been 
 drinking again you have been drinking again. You 
 are in a horrible state of intoxication, (gliding back- 
 wards to door) And so you'll remain until I remove 
 this spell. 
 
 (Exit c. to R.) 
 
 ERASTUS. Ha ! (half amused and somewhat 
 annoyed) What silly nonsense. 
 
 (Enter CHARLIE L. 2.) 
 
 CHARLIE. Well, father, we're all ready for the 
 reception, (assumes a start, looks reproachfully at 
 his father) Oh, father! 
 
 ERASTUS. (looking at him in astonishment) Well, 
 what's the matter with you? 
 
 CHARLIE. (L. c.) After all the lectures you've 
 given me it isn't the duty of a son to upbraid his 
 own father, but stop it stop it, before it is too late. 
 
 (Exits L. 2.) 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 93 
 
 ERASTUS. (with suppressed anger) Well, I'll be 
 (Enter BERNICE R. 3.) 
 
 BERNICE. (coming dose to ERASTUS) Oh, papa, 
 now about the (stops with her arms about ERASTUS' 
 neck, sniffs as if smelling his breath, bursts into 
 tears) Oh, papa, you've been drinking again and 
 my own father, too! 
 
 (Exits crying R. 2 E. ERASTUS looks after her with 
 a half frightened expression.) 
 
 (Enter MARIAN L. 2. Goes to ERASTUS.) 
 
 MARIAN. Mr. Underholt, may I see you? (sud- 
 denly looks horrified) 
 
 ERASTUS. (answering the look expressively) Well, 
 what's the matter with you? 
 
 MARIAN, (bursting into tears between her sobs) 
 I feel so sorry for those poor girls. 
 
 (Exits L. 2 E.) 
 
 (ERASTUS turns, thoroughly frightened and dis- 
 mayed. Puts hand on head, studies for a mo- 
 ment and then walks chalk line down stage to 
 chair as GERTIE enters R. 3 E.) 
 
 GERTIE. Say, Pop (stops) 
 ERASTUS. Now, Gert, don't say it. 
 GERTIE, (crying) Oh, Pop never mind, though 
 I love you, if you are full. 
 
 (Exits R. 1. ERASTUS is thoroughly convinced that 
 he is intoxicated. Assumes, gradually, a tipsy 
 air.) 
 
94 MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 
 
 ERASTUS. I can feel it now. I was loaded and I 
 didn't know it. (gets drunker with each sentence) 
 I'm loaded to the guards, (business) Well, Sweedles 
 loaded me up he'll have to unload me. (turns c., 
 back to audience and has very drunken exit c. to L.) 
 
 (ALL characters enter and laugh at success of the 
 plot.) 
 
 BERNICE. It worked beautifully. 
 
 CHARLIE, (suddenly stops laughing) Now, listen, 
 when he comes in again, make him think he gave his 
 consent to all our marriages, and that he counter- 
 manded the invitations to the reception himself. 
 
 ERASTUS. (outside) Sweedles, you made me 
 loaded unload me sober me up. 
 
 SHAVER, (entering) I pronounce you sober as a 
 judge. 
 
 ERASTUS. (enters following SHAVER in a thorough- 
 ly frightened manner) Is that right? 
 
 CHARLIE. Father, you're going to be awful proud 
 of us? 
 
 MARIAN. And never regret giving your consent. 
 
 ERASTUS. Consent! (looks at SHAVER) Did I? 
 
 SHAVER, (nods) Yes. 
 
 TOM. I thank you, too, Pop. I will cherish her 
 all my life. 
 
 ERASTUS. Pop! What? (pantomime business 
 with SHAVER. Enter at back MRS. B. S. on the arm 
 of JAMES TWEEDLE) Don't say it don't say it. 
 Bless you, my children, (turn to SHAVER) But not 
 Gert? 
 
 GERTIE, (coming to him) No, Pop. I'm yours 
 
 yet. 
 
 ERASTUS. Why didn't yon wait till the reception 
 was over ? 
 
 ALL. Reception ? 
 
MY FRIEND FROM INDIA. 95 
 
 BERNTCE. There's to be no reception. 
 
 EKASTUS. What, no reception? (to SHAVER) 
 You did that! 
 
 SHAVER. No, you did it yourself. You counter- 
 manded the invitations. 
 
 ERASTUS. When I was loaded? And you loaded 
 me! Thank you, thank you. All right, Bernice, 
 you can have the house. Charlie, draw on me for 
 your living expenses, (looking over to MRS. B. S.) 
 Yes, Fll take care of No. 3. (to SHAVER) I 
 wouldn't lose you; you're a good thing. And 
 Gert you and me we'll go back home. Home, to 
 Kansas City. 
 
 (Enter TILLY R. 1.) 
 
 TILLY. Who said Kansas City? (music. Crosses 
 center in front and goes up, followed by ERASTUS) 
 ERASTUS. Will you get out? 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
YB 74627 
 
 M16S021 
 
 ^Trv-t^ 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY