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 A (MOST 
 
 UNWAREANTABLE 
 
 INTRUSION. ' 
 
 A COMIC INTERLUDE, 
 
 WRITTEN BY 
 
 JOHN MADDISON MORTON, 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 ' Who Stole the Pocket- Book. ^' ''John Bobbs," " Your Life's in dan- 
 ger," " Done on Both Sides," " The King and I," "Brother 
 Ben," " Milliners' Holiday," " Betsy Baker," ''Two 
 Buzzards," "Poor Pillicoddy," "My Husband's 
 Ghost," " Our Wife," " Right's and Wrongs 
 of Woman," "Sent to the Tower," 
 Etc., Etc. 
 
 WITH ORIGINAIi CASTS, COSTUMES, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE 
 
 BUSINESS, CORRECTLY MARKED AND ARRANGED, BY 
 
 BIR. J. B. WRIGHT, ASSISTANT MANAGER 
 
 OF THE BOSTON THEATRE. 
 
 Nfw Yoek : London 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH & SON. 
 
 PUBLISHERS, 
 
 28 East 14th St., Union Square, 
 
 SAMUEL FKENCH, 
 
 PUBLISHER, 
 
 89 STKAND.
 
 
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 UCSB LIBRARY 
 
 A MOST 
 
 UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION. 
 
 SCENE. — An elegantly furnished Apartment — Large French tcindoio at c. 
 
 opening on to afloiver garden — Doors at E. H. and 3 E. L. H. — At 2 E. 
 
 K. H. a fireplace — A flower-stand, with four fl/3wer-pots and flowers, 2 e. 
 
 L. H. — At 3 E. L. H. a pianoforte — At E. c, a7i easel, with a portrait of 
 
 a man — A female portrait on the pianoforte — Work-table, ehe^oneer, table, 
 ' chairs <jr., tj'c. 
 
 Mr. Snoozle, in a handsome dressing gown and velvet cap, extended in 
 an east/ chair, e. h. near table, on which are breukfast things, urn and fish 
 and fish bowl — White and gold service — The fish boicl under the urn — 
 Bread and butter, tea caddy, toasting fork, miiffins, sugar basin, ^c, ^'c. 
 — Large bookcase, L. h., with books, and three plaster busts on llie top — 
 Table, e. h., with writing desk, and palette and brushes. 
 
 Snn. Now, this is what I call comfortable ! How delightful to break- 
 fast alone in plii!osophic seclusion, itnintcrrupted by the vain, idle 
 prattle of women ! Not that any man enjoys the conversation of his 
 wife more than I do — at an agreeable distance. But one may have too 
 much of a good thing — and it was with the vivid consciousness of that 
 fact, that I placed the pony pliteton at my dear Mrs. Snoozle's disposal 
 this morning, and not only prevailed on her to take a drive to London 
 but was fortunate enough to persuade her to make our daughter Jemima 
 Jane, and our neice. Maria Matilda, her travelling companions. The 
 dear creatures deliglit in shopping, and I don't. But that's not all 
 ^in order to make '• nsuranco double sure," Pve given the servants 
 a holiilay. so that I sha'l have the whole day to myself. If there is 
 any one thing more thoroughly satisfactory than another, it is having 
 a day to oneself, (fakes a folded newspaper off the tahle) The morning 
 paper, (puts if down) \ shan't even open it. I shall wait till Mrs. 
 t^noozle comes home — when she begins to talk. Til begin to read. Hol- 
 loa ! what's this? (taking, a le'fer from off the t'jble. and exnmining it) 
 Another letter from Mr. John Johnson, .lunior. I'll swear to the hand 
 — anl well I may — I've had sixtee'n of them. Now, if there is any 
 one thing in the Avorld that could possiblv ]iut me into a state of excite- 
 ment, it is this Mr. John Johnson, Junior's indefatigable persever- 
 ance. To hie first letter — containing a modest proposal for the hand
 
 4 AN rXWAR«ANTABlJt INTRUSION. 
 
 of my neicc, Maria MatiMa— I rctnrne'I a civil, but (Kcidod negative. 
 1 (liJn't know Mr. .lohii .lolmson. Jiiuior I ha 1 never .-e n ^ r John 
 Johnsiin, Junior — 1 huii never even htanl nf .\iv. ./dhn .Johnson. .Jr. 
 — and it was nt very jirobahle that 1 was going to givem^Silf the 
 trouhle of imiulrinj; u/w Mr. John Johnson. Junior, was — or «•//«// 
 Mr. John Johnson, Junior, was. Was it rational to sujipose that I, 
 of all men in the woili. wiis gang to put myself into a state of (X- 
 eiteiiieat about .Mr. John Johnson, Junior? Of course not! Conse- 
 quently, his next half-dozen h•tt^T.s were unanwwcred — and his next 
 lot of, which this is the nintli weren't even 0]'cned— so go in theie, 
 Mr. John Johnson, Junior, I (o/'cng ilmwr <if inhlr. niiJ j'uls in iftc lit- 
 ter) I wonder what o'clock it is'.' Now, any otlier man would look 
 at his watch — but really, what with tiie trouble of taking it out, and 
 looking at it, and iMittinpit back again, it isn't worth the cxciien.ent. 
 Now probably .iny oth.r man in my circumstances wi uld go nut gar- 
 dening or shooting — nut thai there's any po.-itive exuberance of;.ame 
 in Ilanipstead— or fi-liini; ; now I /i,iri' some fish in iin/ fishjond. I 
 put them in myself, and conseiiuently I feel myself authorized in 
 calling my j>onil a fish pond. I would not mind ^'oing out fishing, if 
 I was sure that I shouldn't catch anythiiijr ; but. nalty, wliat with 
 the excitement of watching the float, and then the frif:htful shock, 'if 
 there happens to come a nibble, it's more than my lurvfus s^ystem 
 will bear, (rises, looks off at back) Holloa, liolloa ! who is tiiat 
 strange, and by no means fashionably dressed individual, trespassing 
 in the imn\ediate neij;hborhood of my fish pond — and whats the 
 man about? I repeat the question — what's the man about? G( od 
 gracious! he's divesting himself of his upper garment — but whether 
 his intention is to take a bath, or drown himself — whether he iscon- 
 templating the fish, or suicide. Ha! he clasps his hands together — 
 he's about to take a " one, two, three, and oft' she goes! " but he 
 fiba'n't. No — here, stop — stop! (Iiu.</iesout, c. d.) 
 
 Sno. {without) Come here, sir— come along, sir — 1 say, come 
 along, sir ! 
 
 Re-enters with the Intruder, shahbilff dressed, kis coat half of: leaning 
 on his shoulder. 
 
 —Now, look up. there's a good man— look up, I say ! ( fiercely, shaking 
 him) It's no use. There, there! {places him in arm chair, i. h.) 
 What a frightful Plate of excitement I'm in, to be sure. I almost 
 wish I'd let him drown himself. Sir — I say, sir! {shaking the Intri'- 
 DER. 7fho m'tkes violent motion of sviwming — observing him) He's evi- 
 dently laboring under the erroneous impression that he's swimming 
 several times round my fish pond. Sir— sir— (^i/>5 his fingers into the 
 fish bowl, and sprinkles wafr into the Intruder's /</<■«. ) 
 
 In. Where am I? (looking up at Ssoozlf., and nodding to him.) 
 Ah ! how are you. old fellow? {stares about him.) As 1 said before, where 
 am I ? Let me collect my scattered senses. How did 1 get here — 
 in tkis chair ? Is it a chair ? It is a chair ! And what's this — a
 
 AN 0NWAEEANTABLE INTRUSION. O 
 
 table? Yes! Bread? (takes loaf of table.) Yes \ Butter? (putting 
 knife into butter, and looking at it.) Yes ! (looks up again at Snoozle.) 
 llsil— (turns him round.) — that extraordinary dvess — (grasping his 
 arm, and looking intently into his face.)— those ordinary features! Yes, 
 yes 1 I remember all ! And now, sir — I say. now ponderous man 
 (throwing both his legs over the arm o/c/(aiV)— perhaps you'll condescend 
 to explain, in as few words as possible, what all this means? 
 
 Sno Sir. I am strongly impressed with the idea that the great 
 majority of mankind wo u'ld consider me warranted in putting that 
 question to you. 
 
 Int. Pooh, pooh! come to the point, sir — no evasion. Will you 
 allow me to ask you, do you look upon yourself as my father — or 
 either of my brothers— or any of my uncles ? In short, as any rela- 
 tion to me, whatever ? 
 
 S'lo. Certainly not, sir. 
 
 Int. Do you know who I am ? 
 
 Sm. No ! 
 
 / ''. Did you ever see me before ? 
 
 Sno. No ! And candor compels me to say, that I don't very 
 much care if I never see you again ! 
 
 Int. Then, sir — (rising, and advancing upon Snoozle) — you'll al- 
 low me to ask you, by what right do you presume to take such an 
 impertinent liberty as to prevent my drowning myself, if I tiiink 
 proper ? 
 
 Sno. Infatuated juvenile ! — 
 
 Int. No shuffling, sir— I demand an answer ! I don't pretend to 
 be more particular than other people, but, at the same time, as I ne- 
 ver take a liberty with anybody, I never a'low anybody to take a liber- 
 ty with me. For instance — if you were to devote the remainder of 
 your existence to making away with your life, do you suppose I should 
 ever interfere with you? Never, corpulent being — never ! (crosses to 
 
 L. H.) 
 
 S/to. Don't talk nonsense, young man ! I consider it my duty, 
 as a distinguished member of the R lyal Humane Society, to — 
 
 Int. No such thing, sir ! My belief is. that you grudged me a last 
 resting-place among your fishes. Yes, bulky individual, that was 
 your selfish motive ! 
 
 Sno. (annoyed) Well, then, I'm sorry for it. I heartily wish you 
 were at the bottom of my fish pond at this moment. If you doubt, 
 you know were it is— go and try. 
 
 Int. Well, 'pon ray life, you're a cool soi't of fellow ! A very like- 
 ly mxtter, t'lat I'm going to drown myself to suit your convenieuca, 
 wh-n you wouldn't let me do it to suit my own ! But, dear me, perhaps 
 all this time I may have mistaken your reasons for saving my life. Of 
 course I have. You could have but one motive— 
 
 Sno. [gratified] Of course not — and that was — 
 
 lit. To provide for me, for the remainder of my existence ! 
 
 Sno. To provide for you ! 
 
 Int. Of course ! There — [grasping S^oozriE's hand] say no more — 
 I forgive you ! 
 
 Sno. [indignanf] Forgive me \
 
 6 AN CNWARniNTADLE IXTmrrflON'. 
 
 Int. Yes; and what's more, you must allow mo instantly to < m 
 brace you ! 
 Sno. J'ooh ! 
 
 Int. I insist upon instantly rmhracinf: you. 
 Sno. Notisi'iisf ! besiiles, 1 bavtii't shavol to-day. 
 
 Int. Then, I'll cinhraLC yuu to-inonow. 
 
 Sno. To-nioiTow I Ilu, ha! So you're coming liack, arc you? 
 
 Int. Comin;; Itiuk? I'mnotgoiug! 
 Sno. Not poiiigl 
 
 Int. Of course not ! No, sir, if thcrcisono sentinunt m. re i roml- 
 mni than anotlier in this bos im, it is (.Tititude. Ves sir, praiitude! 
 Whut! k'uve you — my jireservir— my leiicficior? No. sir, I ^lionkl 
 never foi give mys'eir if I didiit stick to you ihroU'jh life, \clappin;; 
 Ssoozi.K i>n I lie iifioul)/f\ Kvi-n at this very moment, sir, it's just as 
 much as 1 can do to ret'min from eniliiMcing ynii, th' uirh you li.-ivfn't 
 shaved! Whatian I way more? Hog'' inaii. whiit can I .-^ny more? 
 
 Sno. Sir, I'ni d^■e|>ly touoiied with yourtixpression of gratitude lor 
 the trifling sorvico that I — 
 
 Int. Tritliiig service ? Vou may call it a trifle, but I don't. ( 
 contend, that if A. saves the life of IJ. — tl»at B. l>eing a total >trangi«i 
 to A. — solely for ih" purpose of providing for tlie remainder of 15. o life. 
 and totally regardle-^s of the approhanoii of the pulilio — wlioiii I sliall 
 designate as C. and D. — why it's i-vident tliat in preserving the afore- 
 said 15., the atiove mentioned A. ran only liave Ixjen aetuati-d by tlie 
 purest motivi H— .ind that. I aui sui-e, would be the opinion of the great 
 majority of an enlinh'ened C. and D. 
 
 Sua. Sir, don't ta k nonsrnse. This is a most unwarrantable in- 
 trusion, sir. fiiMile I I'll go to the window and look out for an occasional 
 policeman. Perhaps one may pa-8. It isn't very likely — lut IR'J 
 has been a very remarkable ye^r — why not 1858 ? [retires iiji a. u.J 
 
 Int. I .say. sir — 
 
 Sno: Well? 
 
 Int. Ifow much do you pay ftir your lump? [(uKlin^ sugar.'] 
 
 Sno. My what, sir'.' 
 
 Int. Your lump ! 
 
 Sno. You'd better a.sk my grocer, sir. 
 
 Int. No: that wou'id be taking a liberty. Besi'les, vour grocer 
 might s.iy that you d'U't pay at all— ha, ha I 1 sa^', sir — have you 
 anything particular to do. jtist now ? 
 
 Sno. No. sir ! 
 
 Int. Then suppose you ask me. as a particular favor, to tell you 
 my melancholy story ? 
 
 Sno. I shan't do any such thing, sir! 
 
 Int. Very well — then I'll lell you without your asking. So, take 
 a seat, extensive creature ! 
 
 Sno. If it's the same thing to you, sir. I'd rather stand. 
 
 Int. But it isn't the same thing to me. or 1 shouldn't ask you to 
 sit down. You're talking nonsense ! 
 
 Sno. [itsidf) I suppose I had better humor this eccentric being. 
 I sha'n't want a day to myself in a h'lriy agiin ! (>:ili»i(f) Very well, 
 Sir; since you insist upou it, I will ait down. { goino towards casi/ 
 chair . )
 
 AN UNWAREANTAELE INTRtrSION. f 
 
 Int. So will T. (seats himself in easij chair, and pushes another chair 
 towards Snoozle, l. h. ) 
 
 Sno. 1 beg pardon, sir, but I've a preference for the chair that 
 you are sitting in, sir 
 
 Int. So have I, or I shouldn't be sitting in it ! The thing spealis 
 fur itself — so, sit down, [luungcs back in the easy chair, and jmix ,.'.• 
 legs on the other, us Snoozle is about to seat himself, L. H. ) What a 
 strange fellow you are. Why the deuce don't you sit down? 
 
 Sno. [disgusted, crosses to R. and takes chair forward ) There! 
 (seat in ff himself on another chair. ) 
 
 Int.. What arc you sitting out there for ? You ndght as well be in 
 the next country ! 
 
 Sno. I wish 1 was, sir. (places chair R. of table) 
 
 Int. Do you '.' VVt;ll, wait till you've heard luy story, and then 
 you can go! Now, then — but before 1 begin, 1 tbink it necessary to 
 mention — flaking up a plate from off the table, and playing with it — 
 Snoozi.e takes it out of his hand] I repeat. I think it necessary to men- 
 tion that there are one or two poins in my history that may proba- 
 bly strike you as somewhat remarkable. 
 
 Sno. [disgusted] Oh, go on, do ! 
 
 Int. In the first place, 1 never had any mother or father. That's 
 a singular fact, isn't it ? 
 
 Sno. Oh, come, come — ■ 
 
 Int. Well, if you doubt it, 1 refer you to them. Consequently. I 
 never had any name. That's another ^-ingular fact. So what do you 
 think I did? I christened myself— stood my own godfather and god- 
 mother! That's another singular fact, eh? [opening and shutting 
 tea caddy — Snoozlb removes it to table, R.J And what name do you 
 think I gave myself ? 
 
 S?w. I'm sure 1 elon't know. 
 
 Int. Of course you don't— but you can guess, big man — you can 
 guess — [taking toasting fork, and pricking him.] 
 
 Sno. [disgusted] Well, then, perhaps you called yourself Thomas, 
 or John — 
 
 Int. That's it ! John! Ah. somebody told you. Yes, I calhd 
 myself John. I like John— don't you? 
 
 Sno. [yawning"] Very much inelerd. ■ 
 
 Lit. 1 elon't believe you do. If you elon't. say so. I've not the 
 slightest objection to christen mys'df again — it's not the least trouble. 
 Perhaps you prefer James ? With all my heart. We'll say James. 
 
 Sno. [sh(:uting] I elon't care. 
 
 Inl, You're sui'e you don't ? Then why object to Je-hn ? 
 
 Sno. I didn't! 
 
 Int. Very well— then Jchn be it. But, seriously — if ycu really 
 prefer James — 
 
 Sno. \shouting] I tell you, it's a matter of the most perfect in- 
 diifer'fence to mc. 
 
 //(/. Then why the cieucc make all this fuss about it? [taking up 
 fouyling fork again, and .stirring the fsh bowl. S^OOZr.F, removes it again] 
 Well, as 1 have said before, I called myself John. So I — I'm sure you 
 pv^.fat James !
 
 8 AN LNW.VRKA.NTABLE INTKUSION. 
 
 Sno. [sliiiutinj.j Will you go on with your story, sir. 
 Int. However, I rL^piite I u buriiame, ho - by tlie bye, I think I 
 fjrg'jt to iiicati'ia that 1 wis br night up in the ouutry — 
 
 H'lo. lastUe j 1 wi-^h you d never bceu bruughi up from the 
 country I 
 
 Jiif. Well, sir — [leaning back in chiir, and rinyimj hell on tuiU violcnt- 
 hj — Snokzle takf» it uut ufhis fiuiiti J the hou»e tluit my old nursi.' lived 
 in — f'tr she (/((/ live iu a house — 1 don't mention t/uit as a lingular 
 liict, but — 
 
 Sun. rjo on sir ! 
 
 /n(. Well, the hiuxe she livcl in — I raijrht say, died in — for, bc- 
 in)^ 11 reni:irkul)ly old woman she (i«/ die— 1 don't mention t/uit O-s a 
 -iiigiilar (act, but — 
 Sno. (.10 on bir! 
 
 /ii(. Well — (puttirii; a piecf o/xuijitr in /u.t m>ulh — SNoozr.E remwa 
 fugnr basin) — ih^ house she lived in— I mc:in wliilc she waa alive 
 ii"t since — was surrounded by a hi-djic of tiourishing young ash- 
 jilatita. Well, one day, Mr. — liy the bye, what'd your name'/ 
 Sno. !<n()()/.le, sir I 
 /'«^ Sn>o/.lc>erI 
 Sn<j. SuO'Zle ! 
 
 Int. Oh ! well, as I wa^ going to aiy, Mr. — 
 Sno. Snoozle, sir ! 
 
 Int. Snoizk'.'^cr— it suddenly o.'currc I to me that I'd call myself 
 Aslijtlant. and what's more, I did call my>elf Ashplant. Well, { 
 tlion;.:ht ll.e name would do very wull. What do you thiuk I 
 Sun. I think so too. 
 
 Ini . Then you're wring. iKj.-ause it won'tl No. for on revisiting, 
 the 'itlicr day. the scene- of my cliildhood. 1 finnd. to my dismay, 
 th:it every alternate ash plant had be.n romjved, and its place sup. 
 pliid l.y a holly bush. 
 
 Sn.,.' Well, what of that? 
 
 Int. What of thai'? Well I'm surjirisod at you I Doesn't it follow, 
 as a natural conso>]uencc, that 1 don't know now whi-ther to call my- 
 self .Vshplant or HollybnshV Whi h Ji you like b-sf.' 
 
 Sno. (vfn/ rjiiirklj/) Ashpl'^nt, eir ! I unhe-itatingly decide in fa- 
 vour of Asliplant — so, pet on I 
 
 fill. Well, I'm .sorry i'^-r that, because I rather pr.^fer IloUybush. 
 However, if you're particular abjut your Ashplant, I'll give up my 
 Hollybush. I can't say more. 
 S'lo. Go on 1 
 
 ////. Well, sir — (opening table drawer, and takinrj onl a b-ffer, unxeen 
 . I Snoozle, who has turned aicn/ in di.''fjml)—as I wa-j about to observe 
 -(hreaking seal, and reidint) letter) "Why doom a wretched lover to 
 de-ipair, relentless Snoozle?" 
 
 S.io. How dare you, sir — [ tnrnx the (able — a revolting one — s^ (hat 
 th. fish botpl and urn come opposite to Ixtkuder ] 
 
 ///'. [looking ut fisli\ Pretty little d^ai's ! I wonder if they like 
 muffin. I Jlings tiro wiifrins into bowl Holloa! these 6sh want frosh 
 water — relentless Snoozle. these fish w:mt fresh water! [^turns cock 
 of the urn u-hich isjttst over the fish bowl.j
 
 AN UNWAREANTABLE INTRUSION. 9 
 
 Sno. Zounds ! what's he at now ? [ Snoozle removes bowl, stops wa- 
 ter, and places it on table, R. H.J 
 
 Int. [taking another paper out of drawer, and reading'\ " Mr. Snoozle 
 to Jemina Brown. Six shirts, one and nineperice — four pair of" — 
 
 Sno. Oh, confound it ! [drags table violently away. The Intruder 
 has hold of tuindle of drawer, whick comes out, and a mass of letters, papers, 
 ijT. fall out. I 
 
 Int. There — there ! Don't go and say I did it ! Never mind — I'll 
 pick 'em all up to-morrow, or the day after ! 
 
 Sno. This is intolerable — iusuii'erable ! [taking out a gold snuffbox, 
 and taking a pinch J In short, sir, i don"t like it ! 
 
 Int. Don't you? [takes snuff box from :^'SOozle, and helps himself 1 
 Well, I've tasted better myself — try mine ! [offering a small common 
 tin box to S'^oozhE, who indignantly opens it, and takes a large pinch..] 
 That's ratlier the thing, eh ? You . like a change sometimes ? Of 
 course you do — ^so do 1 ! [puts Snoozle's snuff box into his pocket, j 
 
 Sno. Give me that snuff bos, sir. 
 V Int. Don't be in a hurry. You shall have it again, some day or 
 other, before 1 go. But, by the bye, I haven't finished my story yet. 
 
 Sno- I'shaw! [^walks about] 
 
 Int. That's right. A little exercise before dinner will. do us both 
 good, [takes S.soozle's arm, walks him up and down] 'Well, as I was 
 
 going to say Stop a bit. — [ sneezes — then seeing part of Snoozle's 
 
 handkerchief hanging out of his pocket, takes it out and uses it.} Thoss 
 are capital teeth of yours — where did you get them from? 
 
 Sno. Go on, sir? 
 
 Int. Well then, sir, in due time 1 reached the age of manhood, and 
 from that moment Fortune frowned upon nie. I found myself with- 
 out a family, without friends, without a name, except Ashplaut— no, 
 HoUybush— no, Ashplaut! Which eras it ? Really, you (/o confuse 
 me in such a dreadful manner 
 
 Sno. (shouting) Go on, sir! 
 
 Int. I shan't be happy till you tell me where you got your teeth 
 from? AVell, as I said before 
 
 Sno. Goodness gracious! never mind what you i itl before! 
 
 hit. But you really bother me so. Suppose I go back to the bei 
 ginning ? 
 
 Sno. No— suppose you come to the ending — as quick as you conTe> 
 niently can. 
 
 Int.. Well.then 1 don't much like that morning-gown of yours 
 
 — made out of a pair of decayed bed curtains, I should say. Never 
 mind. Well, to resume. Fortune at last smiled upon me — actually 
 smiled upon me, in the shape of a woman — young, amiable, beau- 
 tiful, and rich — but unfortunately she hul in uncle— and what was 
 worse, she was his niece. 1 don't mention thut as a singular fact, but 
 she icasl He wouldn't hear of me — wouldn't even answer my letters 
 — consequently, I grew desperate ! What was life to me without the 
 aforesaid lovely niece of the above-mentioned cruel uncle? Nothing! 
 So I determined to make away with myself — and for that purpose 
 I followed the course of the New River, till I got to your fishpond; 
 but you thought proper to interfere. I felt rather auuoysd at first—
 
 lO AN UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION. 
 
 but now that I know your benevolent purpose, I'm flotermincd you 
 slia'ii't 1)0 iii-a|iiiuint d. You've g. ncTously umlertakon to provide f<>r 
 nil- f)r the remaiiuJor of my cxistjuce ! To prove that I'm not un- 
 graicful, hefL' goes ! [t'thex off his coat and is about tu }>ut on a drus coat 
 which IS liiuiijiny ui'cr a chair nnir /tun) 
 
 Sno. Holloa, lioHoii! what's the man about'? 
 
 Int. Why, you don't imagine that I'd let people say that you didn't 
 give me a guo 1 coat tomybaok? No — I've too much rc8|>ect for 
 you I (abjut ^J put on cuat) 
 
 Sno. l)>n't put on that garment, sir ! That's the coat that I go 
 to dinner parties in. 
 
 Int- U\\ ! you go out to dinner parties, do you? Of course you'll 
 tak'' mc with you? (tbnit to put on co<it) 
 
 Sno. Will yuu nivo me tlial coat, air? 
 
 /'(/. (yxainminij it) Vou don't mean to say you wear such a thing 
 as thij? 
 
 Sno. A thing? 
 
 fnt. Why. you must look a regular Guy in it! 
 
 Sno. A Guy? 
 
 Int. I'm sure of it! 
 
 Sno. Oil I you are, are you ? Very well I (t'lk-.i off hix dressing- 
 gown, tchich he throirs on chair, and puts on exit) Now, sir ! (turning 
 his back to Intridkk) Now, sir, what d'ye think of me? 
 
 fnt. («■/((> in the meantime puts on dresting-yown) If you come to that, 
 what do you thiuk of me ".' \ turning his buck to Ss<iozr,F. | 
 
 Sno. [looking lit him] Holloa! Give mo that dre-ising-gown! 
 
 Int. Well, what will you ajk in e for next, F wond'.T ? First yon 
 want my coat —th'u you want my dressing-gown ! I suppose next 
 you'll want my purse ? | lak'-s purse oiU of dressing gown pocket j 
 
 Sno. I'm g >ing stark-starinjr mal ! 1 fed I am! 
 
 Int. No, are you ? 1 should like t ) see how you do it. You'll wait 
 till I've ha<J my br.akfasf.' [sits down\ Suppose you fry mc a couple 
 of your fisli ? | looks at the b)wl\ 
 
 Sno. I shan't do any such thing sir ! 
 
 Int. Won't you? Well, boil 'cm — I'm nou particular ! 
 
 Sno. [roming to table opposite iNTRCriERj ^ir— [.strikes the tabic with 
 hi^tistj — you won't g't any breakfast here! There's nothing in the 
 bou-*e— and there's nobidy in the hou-e to g»t any thint; in the house! 
 My seivails are gone out— my wif-'s g-,ne out —my daunh ten's gone 
 out — ny nijce is goae out — in short, we're all cone out, — and the soon- 
 er you foil )\v our examp e. an 1 go out tio, the better! 
 
 Int Well, I've not the least objection — especially as the ladies ar.^ 
 not at homj. But 1 suppose I sh ill see them at dinner? 
 
 S'lo. Dinner.' 
 
 I'U. What's your hour ' 
 
 Sno. Soiuetimes one. and som times another! 
 
 Inl. Ah' you like tt vary the thing, eh? (looking about him) 
 Ileilly. t'jis IS a ver,- satisfactory little place of yours! Nice room, 
 tins— and not badly fitt.d up either- thou<,'h I must say I don't alto- 
 gether like the arrangement of the furniture ! 
 
 Sno. It doesn't much signify, sir !
 
 AN UNWARSANTABLE INTRUSION. H 
 
 Int. I beg your pardon— it signifies a good deal. For instance,' 
 that sofa has no business there ! {pushes sofd to other side of stage) 
 There — that's much better! 
 
 Sno. What are you about, sir? (while ^^oozle. runs and replaces 
 sofa, the Intruder goes to flower stand) 
 
 Int. That flower stand down here ! [pushes floivcr stand down to 
 footlights) There, now a chair on each side — there — that's a great 
 iaiprovement. [nts down with his back to Audience) 
 
 Sno. He'll be the death of :ne [falling into the other chair) 
 
 Int. Strictly speaking, the whole of that side of the room ought 
 to come down. \^points to back^ 
 
 Sno. You'd better pull the entire tenement down at once, sir. 
 
 Int. There's no knowing what I may do, some day or other, be- 
 fore I go. So, you've got a wife, have you? A charming, lovely crear 
 ture, I'll be bound — not like that frightful old Jezabel up there— 
 \_points to portrait of a lady \ 
 
 Sno. [starts up] That frightful old Jezabel, up there, happens to 
 be my wife. 
 
 Int. No ! ( starts up and seizes Snoozle's hand ) I congratulate you ! 
 You may make yourself perfectly comfortable about Mrs. Snoozelser! 
 
 Sno. Snoo^le ! 
 
 Int. But, if you'll allow me, I think I can suggest an improve- 
 ment. \_ goes and turns portrait with its head down] There — Mrs. Snoo- 
 zleser looks much better so. 
 
 Sno. \ivho has replaced the flower stand to where it originally stood — 
 seeing the Intrudku J What's he been at now? He's turned Mrs. 
 Snoozle upside down, [observing Intruder, who has taken a painting 
 brush, and is touching up the picture on the easel} Come away from that 
 picture, sir! 
 
 Int. Let me paint your portrait. 
 
 Sno. I have sat for my portrait already, sir. 
 
 Int. Then suppose you stand for it on one leg. I should like to 
 take you on one leg. Oh, that's you, I suppose ! [looking at man's 
 portrait \ You don't muan to say you sat for that picture? 
 
 Sno. I certainly did, sir, and it's just come home. 
 
 Int. Then you must have been sitting on thorns, or something 
 equally uncomfortable, for a more hideous expression of countenance 
 I never saw in all my life— never ! 1 can't bear to look at it ! That's 
 not your eye. I'll paint it for you. [takes palette and brush, and gives 
 it a dab of black on the eye) That's more like you. [goes to piano and 
 opens it] I'll play you ^a tune. 
 
 Sno. Don't touch that piano, sir. 
 
 Int. Confound it. you won't let me do anything, [turns toioards 
 S'soozL^, and crosses his arms] What do you mean by it? I repeat — 
 what do you mean by it ? [sits down on keys of piano] 
 
 Sno. (shouting) You'll dislocate the piano, sir. 
 
 Int. AVell, what if I do ?< I'll put it to rights again, some day or 
 other before I go. (sits down to piano, and runs up and down the notes, 
 then begins to sing very loud, and very much out of tune) 
 
 Sno. Don't make such a noise— I could hear you a mile off. 
 
 Int. You couldn't ! 
 
 Srio. I eould !
 
 J- AN UNWARKAXTABUi INTRUftJON. 
 
 ln(. ('"i/in.' fitr/iriy affain) Go and try. 
 Sno. Will 30U bo qni?t? 
 
 Jnt. {gtts on chair, takem lutok frovt ofT sfielf, hanging up neir L. U. D. 
 starts, and looks of, c. i>.) Holloa! by Juve, what ft magnifioicnt croft- 
 ture ! (^throws licicn the b'jok-case, the books all f<tll , he jumps off chair, runs 
 down tn SxooziJ'., takes him by the arm, and hurries tif> to c. l>. and jn.ittis 
 off) Who is she? There — don't you see— coming up the gravel 
 walk, in tho .nky bluo bonnet! 
 
 Sno. My wife como bock ! 
 
 //(/. Your wife— Mrs. Snooilcscr? 
 
 Sno- No, no ! 
 
 Jnt. You sftid your wife ! 
 
 Sno. I didn't! 
 
 Jnt. Oh, very well— then I'll go and talk to her— [^oin^] 
 
 Sno. I won't allow it. [stopping AimJ 
 
 Jnt. Come, I like that, if hdc i^in't your wife, what can it mat- 
 ter to you? Where's my hat? Nerer mind — this'U do ! [snalcha 
 cup oj/'Sm>ozlk'8 head, at\d puts it ohJ 
 
 Sito. [stopping him] Stop where you are, sir ! 
 
 Int. Lxcuse me — but as you think proper to find fault with every- 
 thing I du, I'd rat her go. 
 
 Sno. [puUf him hirk] But I'd rather you didn't go. [aside] I 
 wouldn't have him speak to Mrs. Snoozle for the world. 
 
 Jnt- Besides, you toll me to j;o just now — 
 
 Sno. But I didn't mean it. 1 like you — Ilike you much. I never 
 met so entertaining— I might say facinating a creature, in all my life! 
 Jusiiort, you're the delij^ht of my existence — so, perhaps you'll oblige 
 me by playing me a tunc on the piano. 
 
 Jnt. No : 
 
 Sno. Then take my portrait, I'll stand on one leg. 
 
 Jnt. No, no — [going] 
 
 Sno. [stopping him] [aside] What's to be done. 
 
 Jnt. [shouting toicards c. n.J I'll be with you directly, ma'am ! 
 
 Sno. [aside] I have it. [rt/oM</| My dear Mr. Holly bush — 
 
 Jnt. Oh, now it's Hollybush— just now it was .\shplant. That's so 
 like you— you don't know your own mind for five minutes together. 
 [shouts again] I'm coming. Ma'am! 
 
 Sno. Well,thcn— mydear Ashplant— 
 
 Jnt. There now it's Ashplant again ! Just now it was Hollybush ! 
 
 Snn. You were latelv describing to me in the most touching terms 
 imaginable— they affect' me even r\ov—[mak(s a patfutic face)— your 
 hopeless Passion for a voung and lively 'virinn 
 
 Jnt. Ah. but then l" hadn't seen that skyblue bonnet. I love that 
 skyblue bonnet— my very existence is bound up in that skyblue bon- 
 
 Sno. (keeping him baek) But. perhaps, if the aforesaid cruel uncle 
 of the above-mentioned lovely niece, thought you possed a little money 
 [}cith intention.] 
 
 Jnt. I know you you'll give me lots of money — but what's the use 
 of that ? What 1 want is a name— a family — a father and mother ? 
 . By the bye, why shouldn't you be my father and mother?
 
 AN UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION. 13 
 
 7ou shaV be my father and mother! [gives Snoozle a violent slap on 
 the lack I 
 
 Sno . ~ Fooh ! pooh ! 
 Int. Yru won't adopt me ? 
 Sno. Certainly not ! 
 
 Int. Very well— then I'll make love to that skyblue bonnet. I'll 
 make that skyblue bonnet the happiest woman in England ! I'll 
 write to her this instant! Pens, ink, and paper — where are pens, 
 mk, and paper? [rummages tables, dratvers, ^'c. folloived by Snoozle, 
 who, as soon as the Intruder seats himself at a table to ivrite, stands on the 
 opposite side of the table, and lays his hand on the sheet of paper ^ or takes the 
 inkstand away.\ 
 
 Sno. (u'lth dignity) Sir, it's time the veil was rent asunder. That 
 lady m tha skyblue bonnet is my wife ! 
 
 Int. I'm sorry for you ! you ought to liave mentioned it before 
 It's too late now ! I love her ! She's Heces.sary to my existence- — 
 so you'll give her up, won't you? 
 Sno Give her up ! 
 
 Int Perhaps you'd rather give me your daughter ? 
 Sno. No, sir ! 
 
 Fnt. At any rate, you'll give me your niece ? 
 Sno- No! 
 
 Int. Neither one nor the other ? 
 Sno. Neither one nor the other ! 
 
 Int. Then I'll take them all three! (goes up to c.t).) Here, sir — 
 here will I take my stand— here will I stick, firm and fi.xed as one 
 of the door posts, and the instant any one of them — or any two of them 
 • — or all three of them appear, I throw myself at their several feet! 
 Voice, [from n.H.D.j Mr. Snoozle! Mr. Snoozle! 
 Sno. My wife ! 
 
 Int. His wife ! (Snoozle rushes to r.h.d., shuts, and bolts it.) 
 Voice, (from c.d.) Papa ! dear papa ! 
 
 Sno. My daughter ! [he i-uns and closes CD. By this time the Intru- 
 der has re-opened l.h.d. and is going in. \ 
 Int. His daugliter! \ runs and opens CD. '] 
 Voice, ["//-owj L.H.D.] Uncle! uncle! 
 Sno. My niece ! {runs and closes l.h.d.) 
 Int. His niece! (runs towards l.h.d,) 
 
 Sno. [meets him, seizes him by the collar, arid drags him fonvard] " Of 
 one or both of us the time is come !" In short, sir, if you don't in- 
 stantly go and drown yourself, I will I 
 
 Int. Benevolent being! your delicacy won't permit you to give me 
 up your wife, so you generously enable me to marry your widow ! So, 
 go— drown yourself, and be happy ! 
 
 S»o. Will you leave this house, sir ? Will yju at once put an end 
 to this uwarrantnble intrusion ? 
 
 Int. No. sir — nothing shall inluce me to deprive you of the pleasure 
 of my society ! 
 
 Sno. Then I'll have you turned out ! 
 
 Int. You can't, sir ! 
 
 Sno. Hark ye, sir — my niece loves a young gentleman— that young
 
 14 AN LMWAIIKANTABLE IMTnuSION. 
 
 gentleman Icvcs my niece— I'll write to him this moment— >;iTe my 
 cousout to tli'3 match — but on one comlitioii— aud that is, that he in- 
 stantly comes and kicks you out ot my domicile ! 
 
 Int. Ua, ha I I should like to sec you d'j it I 
 
 6Viu. Vou Would, Wou.d jou / Tlieu ht-regoes! [dts doiin,and 
 begins to write \ " My dear Mr. .Johnson, Junior- the hand of my niice, 
 Maria Matilda, i.i yours, with a foriuue of live thou^eaud pounds !" 
 
 Int. Jolioson won't bo satisfied — 
 
 Sue. Thou I'll make it ten! [writing] "Ten thousand pounds ! 
 Your affeotiouato uuclo, that is to be, Nath.vmjl Sncio/.i.k." There 
 — [foliia tetter] Aud now, if I could only contrive to get it immedi- 
 ately delivered— 
 
 Int. Nothing so simple ! {takes letter out of Shoozlk'b hand) It m 
 delivered I Thank ye, uncle! [noddinff to Buoizlk.] • 
 
 Sua. Unole ! Then ,\ou are — 
 
 Int. Mr. John Johnson, Junior, at your service I Vnu wnuMnt 
 ask me to come and .-ee yuu, so I came wilhnut your asking 1 
 couldn't understand why you tlidn't answtr niy Utters, bo 1 came (o 
 ascertain the reason, I wauled to marry your niece — you snid I 
 should never have your consent— I said 1 would, and here it is' — 
 \jlourtslnnij letter.] I repeat, here it is — Go on, I'aul. 
 
 jj'^Q I'aul Bedfiird. I havn't gotanyiuoie in my part I [taking part 
 out tij' his pockft, and showing it.\ 
 
 Wright. No more have I ! 
 
 Rnd Bedford. 1 say, prompter! 
 
 Enter Prompter, L.n 
 
 Prompter. Yes, sir — 
 
 Paid lied ford. Hasn't the Author sent the tag yet? 
 
 Prompter. No, sir— here's the MS. 
 
 Wright. Just like him ! Vou knew he didn't send the tng to his 
 last new Farce till about five minutes before the curtain went up 
 
 Promter. 1 he.ird him say it was no use his writing a tag, for Mr. 
 VVriglit always spoke his own. 
 
 Wright. "That's not the fact There's no man on the Stage takes 
 less liberties with his .\uthor than I do. Well. I'aul— I su} poFC we 
 must finish the Piece as well as we can. The usual thing is to make 
 a pathetic appeal to the Audience — so be pathetic. Paul — 
 
 Piul Bedford. No— you uiuh rstand that better than I do. 
 
 Wright. Then, Ladies and Gentlemen, all I can say is that if we 
 liave committed some errors, let us hope that they are trifling enis: 
 at any rate, we'll mannge to correct them by to-mnrrow evening, 'i 
 you'll ob'ige iis hv looking in — and depend upon it. come as often as 
 you like, we shall never consider it an " uNWAi;r>ANT.\EiE intrusion." 
 
 Ciirl'jin. 
 
 _**. Originally plaged hj Messrs. Paid Bedford and Wright. .
 
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 By j. V. PRICHARD. 
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 y^^r-^ m'S ACTING EDITIONS, 
 
 
 ? 
 
 PoppletoD'i PredioameDta Old Sailor 
 
 My 8l«(<>r fr<^m lDdt« 
 Maria Martin 
 Aniung tbo Relic « 
 Nabob for an Hour 
 An UUI BUn 
 VilUme KigUtiDgale 
 Our Nelly 
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 ChiBFlUnR 
 
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 WteJg 
 
 White PilffTim 
 
 DentiataOerk 
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 Lncille 
 
 Randall'a Thntnb 
 
 Wicked World 
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 CuriouH Caae 
 
 Forty Winks 
 
 !Ptt' 
 
 ~i«2a 
 
 nirde in their LitUa Nestd \ Latly Clancarty 
 
 Pr<«tty Prrdirauiuut 
 
 8«Ten Siua 
 
 liiatired at I.lnyl'd 
 
 H.iii.l an 1 dlnv.' 
 
 K .,• ..II He 
 
 1 >rti>hil> 
 
 1 
 
 I p 111 til'.- 
 
 I'uil..l 
 
 Oil. , ill IT.i 
 
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 Ntv«r Too Ijttf to Mend 
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 H.iirv V 
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 v.i-vr vtraion 
 ''lusion 
 
 ^v,.rld 
 
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 I 
 
 \:i , . the Ffflini' 
 
 l..!.- ^a .1 ( uiii.'t 
 
 luiUr Fai/ie CVlor" 
 
 Heroos 
 
 Philantbropy 
 
 Littlo Vixeus 
 
 Tilephono 
 
 Too Latp to Save 
 
 Just My Luck 
 
 Orateflil Ftitlifr 
 
 Hapviy Mulium 
 
 Sole Survivor 
 
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 "V«8 Him 
 
 Law 
 
 I inker 
 • Will 
 
 ■ ii ol Hearts 
 ■ ■ of Lvons Marrie<l 
 .c.A Hillled 
 liilttrCoM 
 Pe.i.'ofk's Holiday 
 ;I>ai''y Farm 
 I Wriiiklt^ 
 |Lanra»:bire Lass 
 On an Island 
 Q. E. D. 
 
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 (Ruth's Kouiauoe 
 
 ,1- Country 
 
 jNoi r«.m Out Fickle 
 Infatuation 
 jI^TCuport Bros, k Co. 
 Freezing a MottafT-itt-LAW 
 "that Dreadful Doctor 
 Plot for I'lot 
 jOnr Relative-* 
 lEngaKed 
 jMy Awful Dad 
 [On Uail 
 I Tom Oobb 
 j Bow B«llii 
 i Married for Money 
 riiniiUkint'n Fix 
 jPatt.T vemufi Clatter 
 For her Cblld'n Sake 
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 i Our IJoya 
 I Which 
 
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 Daniel Kocbat 
 Caste 
 School 
 Home 
 
 David Oarriik 
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 Social Giant 
 Daniel Druco 
 Pinafore 
 Old Soldier 
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 Handsome Jack 
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 Wedding March 
 My Wife's Father's Sister 
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