MMNMMM1KHMMMMI FARMER' p THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES o s BILLINGS' O L T> FARMER'S ALLMINAX 187O 187^ WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS PERHAPS RAIN PERHAPS NOT N EW YORK. G -W-DILLINGHAM CO 1902, COPYRIGHT, 1870, 1871, 1873, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, 1879, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO. COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY WM. H. DUFF ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S A I.LMI NAX TM 6161 SIGHTS Or THE ZODMK. The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being attaked bi the twelve constella- shuns. (May the best man win.) Head and Poet, f KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE. Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times without enny remains, sub- trakt this from the sighn, add the fust quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking after. 871027 BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE. Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath begot Zepheniah (Zepheniah waz a conundrum maker, sum ov which hav been handed down), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher (Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too), Issaker begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob (Nabob waz a snob), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum Billings (who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew le the most humblyest looking man in the qtA Century). Absolum begot Josh, and so they kept bizzy begetting. After the Billings family once struck the front name, Josh, they clung tew it I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny who haz bekum extanted. The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet It iz sed that Behomath Billings, one ov our pristmes, could drean a cow perfektly dry at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk in the Billings natur. I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstqrs, inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings. OPINIONS OF THE PRESS AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS 0V m\m jj\ J> rfr ash ipinflsJ' f armm' flllmi /ji \j ^j FOR THK YEAR 1870. " We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the mothers of the Amerikan Union." London Times, June 6tA, 1869. "Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a dia mond neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull of cooking and cures az a parson's wife." London Atheneum, May $lst, 1869. " The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the idle, and brandy straights for the viscious." Atlantik Semi-Monthly, May T,d, 1869. " The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan literature ; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing extremely bully." Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869. " In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid his- torys, it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov morality." Omaha Patriot, July ifh, 1869. JANUARY MONOGRAPH. This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz invested in tin back thermometers, and distributed amung the suffering poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus. DOMESTIC RECEIPTS. Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch. Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately. Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile. Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's expense. Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head, comb it often. ftratfj *V. V ^ I Y& .t- * * *. V _ **^9 Si ~* * . . . . >3-^*^, r " v - t <^. 31 Days. JANUARY. 6 1 1870. o* X r who bifarmin would git riff A, Must plough, and so, and dig, and sith. Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite, Save every cent, and not git tite. 9 Id Prognostix. INK BRA TS. w 13 14 15 16 M 18 W 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W n Cold&* A 6 Daniel A Lambert 6 JbornO 6 1793 high tides $ ^perhaps & ^ r\\l frogs quietiYi 4 ft 7 John23 2 Smith A born* K iti for the fust ti When a rooster crows, he crows all over. A nu milk Cow is stepmother tew evry mans baby. Whenever i kan find a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmins rights" bizzness, then i am going tew take mi hat under mi arm, and jine the procession. Debt is a trap, which a man sets, and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into, and ketches a kursid phool. Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle. FEBUARY MONOGRAPH. This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the seeds at the galls, it kant be beat The name ov this month is derived from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means condem kold. USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIJf HOUSE KEEPERS. In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must be tuff Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out ov them. In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will hav, when he cums tew be chawed. Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1870 Bring mitynre bran nu cutter. And git ytire galls consent, Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur, And let the animile went. 6 o. \ 3 f Prognostix. SHAD SCALES. 13 14 s 16 17 18 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 M M \V $ Gusty a* squalls St. f Valentine V 9 killed 270 O rtfri more gusty Valentine e> V waz ^ Cupid'sl? 9 Corresponding Secretary fi sncwj ljl storms still loafing Jj^ around S\_ M* tf j/^x % Roger Sherman waz a ,5 shoemakerlT farmers ? will TTB now H sprinkle their hay with brine \3 2 and skratch their pigs G backs snow A falls J in 6 chunks fi nowljl trap for rttt mice 2 and other furs Q pepper n sass fust diskovered 3jt 1496 sighns wags *thaw Ben Franklin waz a J|^~ printer. Fools are the whet stuns ov society. If a man haint got a well bal- lanced head, i like tew see him part hiz hair in the middle. It iz a strange and lamentable fakt, that yu kant advance, nor even inaugurate, a moral move ment without the aid ov money yu kan run a saw mill on credit, but yu kant run the gospel. ' When i waz yung, i used tew feel good six days in two, but now i am old, if I kan manage tew feel good two days in six, i think i am doing fust rate. Flattery iz like colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallered. MARCH MOJfOQRAPH. This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb " Wfiizz" which means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways, to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally immense for wind, but whare it all cutns from, and whare it all goes to, are prize conum- drums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month invariably hav the bark on. ATTEJfSHUM FARMERS. Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching, bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing, marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no competi tor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried, ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum. 31 Days. MARCH. 1870. Mend fences now, and die/its dig. Lay in some cow, and little pig, For milk, and for it, Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work. * Irti Progtwstix. SARDINES. i 2 T W T V3 Windy\ winds O with sighns t V3 &. Thare is only one good substi tute for the endearments of a sis 4 5 F S "Sorosis" (O) fust born 9 n 1206 born ter, and that iz the endearments ov sum other phellows sister. 6 G Oagin* g 1 M 1868 %-very-%wtndy 8 T with & n wind Cheerfull old girls are the brides 9 W U $ gusts peach 7? maids ov society. M T crop cut^Mji IX F off az8 f V usual 12 13 14 is 16 S G M T W Robinson t-STtCruso X 9 died 1492 now yoke i n pigs and geese * iff. plant 05" lobsters About the meanest kritter thare iz now travelling around on the buzzum ov the earth, iz a bashfull hypokritt. i? T and 9 '3 lettiss for 18 F 3 sallad look O out I hope i shall never hav so 20 o G ofpjr V3 wind mutch reputashun, that i shant 21 M count J fl yureriK ^ cockroaches s feel obliged tew be civil. 22 T VV and see if U Oenny o 2 3 i^-hav bin O mislaid 24 T F> congress O 9 The biggest phool in this world 2 5 26 S adjourns T lessQ hazn't been born yet G wind sour 25 a} cxpekt JK r t with which he iji 9 X( tomahawked a tree O sig'ins oj $ moisture but 3 when 4 asked $ X if he did the tree cutT&if ra/wlflhe V owned the korn O lager beer diskoverediti T not to be If 9 intoxicating {11! i84S(Jipattent taken out fi now digl? for umbrellers^rtfci He whom the good praze, and the wicked hate, ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun. The less a man knows, the more he will guess at, and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. It is a statistikal fakt, that the wicked work harder tew reach Hell, than the righteous do tew git to heaven. When i git thoroughly ntch, the fust thing i intend to do, iz tew bekum respektabel. Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware, the mule remem bers the swaring, but forgits the licking. MAY MONOGRAPH. May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she Is an independant kritter, and dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little melted brook tew mix with. Oh ! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy else's. PATIENTS ISSUED DURING 1869. Feb. ist To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a patient for a hen's egg, which beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and eating. April ijth. To Ezra Push, Jun., a patient for a one wheeled velosipede. This wise instrumenlalily haz two handles lew it, and iz purswaded by taken hold ov Ihe handles, and walking between ihem with a shove moshun. If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow. March loth. To David Gibson, for a patient goose yoke. These yokes are packed in colton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the earth, Ihey are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be wilhoul one. 31 Days. MAY. 1870. 1 ] | {SflifijkSu^&gfliyj^ fifZ j*l&Sii L .j?L^j&tQSK iSKff IT -> W 8 2 ^^^jBJg|^s i ^^jK^^gSS|?'^ JiTT."'^ P O ^^Mi^^^^^^^^^^^^j o 3 j* ;; '- 11 '^^f^K&^SgSS^S^S S* 3 .M -o ^yflMJ^yj^j^jBif^KHEjer jo^SSiB^i**' **ff 2 Tne Rooster now with burstin thrut. B a 1 Proklaims the rozy morn, > sr r\, $i V 1^ And cacklin hens are telling us. Another egg is born. a a * to P" fr big joke o do the best on a poor sile. 4 W JJlon physician ill 5 T now n plant A warm If w/atfter S straw berrys 23^ 2 5 cents a quart istrawberrys large, quarts small |||| Tls/imuersTl\,'D. with ^T rain 9 remember theV poor natur a grows ^ Old t Grimes died 1785 < he had S a good old 8 rt(i soul fi dark nights 9 mint juleps in*TTj market ff ^ fakts nare stubborn O things i so be mules The rime tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps. Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung purps fite, and then frolick. Mother I The holy thoughts, and memorys, that cluster around this name, can never be so well expressed, az in the calm utterance ov the name itself. I thank the Lord for one thing, that the hardest word in enny language tew say, iz No ! I had ratner undertaik tew be two good Doves, than one decent sarpent. JULY MONOGRAPH. July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle ov the year. It derives its name from " Julos " a hot old phellow, who settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov interest, the principle one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi annual interest, by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their principal. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up, for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum interest in the principle. A NEW TOOL. " Rogers grate western hoss rake." John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self- adjusting, self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one. 31 Days. JULY. 1870. > T3 K a Kwf wa / let hornets be, and dont go nigh The pizen snail: tew mutch. For during the month ov Julii, They aint helthy tew the tutch. Prognostix. DOUGH NUTS. '3 14 IS 16 7 18 19 M \V 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W 5 Mad dogs seen 1$ muzzle yure9 fl * 2^~ children B look out for a hotness a If m, owe no 9 man ^ keep cooler hail storm D hail HI, 9 stones S!^ weigh sevral &&~ tons Othat izall ^ *** that fell /^ K hot iz more rth hot 8 (5 saw 9 horses begin i tew pantoi^ wet shower & 1TRor'JU! IT warm fttt 2S H a penny saved iz /, $ T? that kissed a woman **} The devil iz a mean kuss, he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours. SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH. September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan, means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss, during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month hogs root violently birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south tree toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems katydids chew musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books. MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN. In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer. In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when they fust bite. Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take good aim, and knok him endways. In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1870. This month pull Jlax, And teeth that ake. Lay in bits wax, And emptir.s hake. i S- il Prognostix. OLD CffEEZE. 14 15 16 '7 18 M \V M \V 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 W Liinpsey weather f i moon in perigree ffl = Jim Crow born 1836 X now ip (D dry apples for sass Q rain threatnitigsfomowy tight? fifall bonnets appear V yH & they'are ravishing JJltl], coolv^li to a 20 dollar bill 8 now fish for Q crabs JJl rain drizzle $ crabs bite with their km smoky weather e& S and hang on like K a poor relashun V use cod rh liver oil fi more wet a for greasing waggons ^ grate snake -~~ seen at * * Nuport 1820 A i2 miles long 4 Venus *an evening star * Medicine haz cost the world more than bread haz, and haz killed more than it haz cured Marriage tew a coquette iz often, "letters ov marque and reprisal." It iz very diffikult for a poor man tew be superior tew hiz for tune, and more diftikult for a rich one. Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt, the morejlees you will find. The devil iz sed tew be the "father ov lies," if this iz so, he haz got a numerous family, and sum very promising children amungst them. OCTOBER MONOGRAPH. October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral cider ; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem phool. Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repent ing ov yure sins, and gitting up a good big wood pile. PECK'S CHURJT, AXD BRISTOWS SOWING MASHEEN. Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck iz a philanthropist, every house wife in the world, should put on a clean white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully ! ! oh ! Bully ! for Peck. Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, lighting-movement, krank-moshun sow ing masheen. Theze masheens took all the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides sowing fourteen acres of winter rye. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1870. 2 The yello torn nmu scents the gale, A nil harvest hoys the milk maids wake. With matin songs, in praizes of, Hasty pnddin, and Johnny kake. s s g. S sr " JT? s t Prognostix. BIRDS TRACKS. I S Ojack Frost O 2 G born T of How menny people thare iz 7 AT poor but honest whoze souls hang in them, like V 4 T 3 Q parents 5 now the pith in a gooze quill. S W hunt for cider 6 T t moon in ? 7 F apogee TIE if 8 S air brittle 8 Opinyuns are like other kind.s 9 10 G M snakes hang\3 TiJ, up their sled ov vegetables, worth jist what they will fetch. ii T sighns a koldjS A 12 W snap 6 (5 let her 13 IS 16 18 T F S G M T snap <5 t begin yure promiskuss sparking J S flfK knowledge iz power fi pumpkin pies begin^T When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy else, we then vote him a penshun for the rest ov hiz life, by calling him a poor devil. !9 W tew loaf ft 8 20 T around* ^ 21 22 F S /a Bonaparte crosses the A lie repented ov bekums the 23 G rineX fkeen truth. 24 M tut cold ^inow 25 T butcher hens 26 27 28 2 9 W T F S Tq, t for thanksgiving vjfa O 4 frosty A lay I had rather be married tew an unabridged Webster's diktionary, than tew an unabridged literary 3 3* G M in yure winter clams & woman. NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH:. Everyboddy wants tow "be sassy at November to turn her the cold shoulder tew nuss all their old akes anew tew look az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle tew hunt for a kafs tale tew step at, but.iaint! November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than i am. SUM MORE HINTS TE W BOARDIJf -HOUSE KEEPERS. ist If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little milk, bekauze they h a v sugar. ad. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up molasses more carefully. 3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, then you kno what yu are gitting )"u kant alwus tell what country sassige kontains. 4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1870. Pick apples now, and cider make, And in a barrel juice it, Then git a straw, without a flaw, And through the straw seduce it. Prognostix. SHOE PEGS. ii 12 3 14 *5 16 i? 18 1 9 23 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 Sour cold y^ a ffi SI stampede in Brigham (t) Youngs family* o mart cold J$ he suddenly bekumsm, unwedded n more [}t] sour&for a large () amount rain ;V, and i/. Vleft a 75 hoss power widdower 8- &claiiny and raw Brigham burys himself in jt weeds il blustering at the bottom ov his garden patch Jjt c old with sourness Brother Brigham snow So he iz sealed seven times in one dayffl $ sour with wetness i S ^ sealing wax advances 10 jv0/<^Plymouth kno lots ov phellows in love, who 1 1 c rock discovered V kan see twice az mutch in their 12 M 1620 3$ punch fires sweethearts as i kan. "3 T 9 fi Old Zip 14 W Coon died 15 T 1840 $1 snow too 16 F much hard tr 18 S G ader floored him S til ^bitter cold Q If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield, sow wild oats. 19 M JJ^^Santy Claws 20 T created A year 21 W disputed <5 thare 22 23 24 25 T F S G iz menny a zs HE rose born tew S blush unseen V3 T T espeshilly negroes The chains ov slavery are none the lighter for being made ov gold. [* ] or# colder [ o 27 W 1870 dies = *9 30 3 1 T F S pile on the (%* SBObedclothesTf good night t ! t ! <5 In youth we run into difikultys, in old age, difikultys run into us. EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870. There will be eklipses this year which have been over, looked by other Allminax makers. First. Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men. Second. There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentle man. ) Third. Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around pro- miskuss. Fourth. Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the Year 1870, ov all other Allminax, through out the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX. Inrtmnh RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS. Conduktors are positively forbid tricing tew pass each other on a single track. 2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms, menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him. 3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are. 4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them ; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road. 5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid. 6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another." 7. No charges made on this road for coroners' in quests. HOW THEY DO TALK ABOUT ( f f f lash lillmjis' farmer's Mmmax <$ l >D * sum more wind 9 he fell in the fire n J K ft 8 now tap for maple sugar O JJ( hi winds n life iz uncertainly CAPER SAUCE. Natur never makes tinny blun ders; when she makes a phool, she means it. Thare iz sum pholks in this world who spend their whole lives a hunting after righteousness, and kant find eimy time tew praktiss it Human happiness iz like the Hottentot language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare aint but phew kan understand it Grate transgreshufis seem tew baptize themselfs, if the Devil had only bin gilty ov pettit lar ceny, he never would hav bin heard ov agin. I dont kno ov enny thing more remorseless, on the face ov the earth, than 7 per cent interest. THE BELLY COSE GOAT. The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stum- mak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight A phatt Goat would be a literary curiosity. PREMIUMS. Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870. To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33$ dollars for rid ing a velosipede down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front teeth, and distorting hiz noze. To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting drowned. To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership in the mackerel club, for riding a vel osipede over a nu milch cow, and splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom. 30 Days, APRIL. 1871. > I A April phool waz torn this month, A simpleton, but f lever ; And tho 4000 years ov age, He's just as big a phool at ever. J 3 IS 16 I? 18 19 23 *4 25 26 27 28 29 3 W History. t Liquid rain. S The violet iz blew* showery fi hark! tis the noble bull frog's voice jjlTH, !* jews harps diskovered C^~ 12962 now plant gardin sasstyQ Q Cupid born 95 look out for some wetness & Cupid is a ly lie CUSSiSi set out onionsjX sumwhat wetty Snow hath the winter of our dis- showers VS finally thawed out^ look out for rain 8 no kards v\it dux rain y Daniel Lambert was very phatt Si SHRIMPS. A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. Thare are menny people in this world who are like flies, grate bores without meaning it, or know ing it, " shoo fly." Falling in luv iz like falling into molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. When i see an old man many a yung wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for i am reminded ov the parable about mixing nu wine into old junk bottles. A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the best judges kant tell when it iz a going tew explode, and skatter a muss. TEE MELODIUS CAT. The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one ; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly Ln a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable ; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither. FAMILY NOSHUNS. To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him. To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz jumps. To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things). 31 Days. MAY. 1871. -f Now plant oats and garden toss. Yoke geese, and black snakes kill; Set hens ; set traps for thieving rats ; Set what you please, but don't set still. M W 15 i6 W 18 M 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 2 9 3 W History. ^ Dandy lions in market 3 Soft and barmy '9 who will be queen 6 oof MayQ mildly; it is hard to tell [?] S lit t Job waz a pashunt man refreshing wet 'n A now ketch frogs warm wet ness Q Job had biles i mor* v>army<& tax collektors loafing around now chew lettuce O ^"' rainf\ e yner beans X pole ft Noah Webster waz a good speller sudden rain J ri;.he had bet ter spells than Billings IjJ the grasshopper iz a burden^, Qmuggy wetness natur grows ? ^ let her grow* now ho wet sighns 8 liov more rain more grasshoppers orusyt bet 10 dollars it will rain} pride goes O before afallfl * SSQexyuisite rainzy Jack and Gill went up the J hotter a* Jack A and Gill cum down the hill 1358 Cnow take it eazyT PARSNIP STEW. A kicking cow never lets drive until just as the pail gets phull, it iz jiss so with sum mens blun ders. Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he prob ably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse. It aint mutch trubble tew bear the pain ov sumboddy else's lame back, but tew hav the lame back onesself aint quite so stylish. The man who wont beleave enny thing he kant see, aint so wize az a mule, for they will kick at a thing in the dark. TEE FEEQ UENT FLY. The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git bom i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned, in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other hu man beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the wuss for tiys. WANTED. Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the females az they pass out Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco pre- fered. No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass but tons oph from a military coat, at twenty paces. This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius. Salary payable weekly. References exchanged. 31 Days. JULY. Hornets now are on the wing. Red hot, and crazy for to sting : Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters t For they are sure, and pizon hitters. 1871. o S- "f 8 y I Q S G M T W T F S G M T W T F *5 16 17 r 9 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 3i History. <} Ice iz king hot and warm p Sampson waz a strong roan very hot he could lift a ton ft hotter O with hiz little finger (I f /ktf increases'^ now beg for ice cream TQlhunder shower in the west Q $ the goose iz not a game bird All nature lilctk. Roosters pant and so do lizzardt ; The mules upon the dusty road Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards. W M W II 12 14 15 i6 W 18 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 3 1 History. warm with*& 4 hot streaks Jack the giant killer n much hotness 8 killed a giant I25o//V wind Tom Corwin waz a wagon boy tender winds fa $ on linden when the sun waz low CRANBERRY SAUS. Love is like the mezules, we kan't hav it bad but once, and the later in life we hav it the tufler it goes with us. The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a pen, fatted for a show. Most every one seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, bu he kant bear to have enny boddy else one. The man who haint got an enemy, iz really poor. Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy tew take. THE LOAFING RACCON. The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family con sists ov one wife, and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons ; they want as much waiting on az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad. HOME DOINGS. Tew freshen a salt mackerel, tow him one summer behind a steam bote. Tew make a man good mad, starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff. Tew be one ov the "oldest inhabitants" remember very well, when yung Nebudkenezzer waz a babe. Tew be happy, eat molasses, and swing on a gate. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1871. o* * Sweet cider now, and funkin pize. And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy . Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy, So phull ov phun, so free and eazy ? O (TO 14 IS 16 18 19 M 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 3 1 History. Gentle frost & * cider invented W snowQwindi shifty ^ iV ?r oW A S3 chillyx Brighatn Young born 18189 coldQ, Brigham was a youngsterT^ snow on the mountains Tin time of peace prepare for war raw rain 9 Q Tnow lay in a bad cold for winter A li it snows fhe festive cockroach hazfiedrf winter draws ni i cold and clammy^ kats swell with crossness A ? SLAP JACKS. A dog iz the only thing on this earth that luvs yu more than he luvs himself. Lies are like illegitimate chil dren, liable to call a man Father I when he least expekts it. A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over, it iz only the loafers that differ. What men kant do they are very apt tew admire, they dont criticize a mountain bekause they kant make one. Sekrets are cussid poor proper ty enny how; if yu cirkulate them yu loze them, and if yu keep them yu loze the interest on the invest ment. KALKVLABffUNB 0V A PROGNOSTIC NATUB. Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time. Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan prognostic what will cum next Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klirnb, and grind stuns wont grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for harvesting. If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them. Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall. Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood pile. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871; Now kit pigs and bucher hens, Murder geese and ducks that quack, Chop down wood, and sassage make. And evenings play Hylojack. M W M W M iS 16 18 24 M 27 28 29 3 History, haz about pegged out Si litter cold {, ~t? Homer war a good poet eggs dredful uncommon)^ grate sno stormVS. (, Congress iz a sitting g si coldz? but don't thatch out enny- thing 8 wind north t3 beware of false proffits ice is from 12 inches to afoot thickv\ g Soloman waz a smart manoi 5 sighns ov a thaw he waz a good judge ov the sex* colder fj,the year drops its curtain the wind moans X farewell my countrymen lp OYSTER PADDYS. One ov the fussyest scenes i ever beheld waz two old maids waiting on one- sick bachelor. Revenge iz just az natral to flow az milk, yu will see little boys club the post that they bump their head against. Opinyuns are like turnips, worth just what they will fetch. Courage without discreshun, iz like a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fights on hand, than he kan do justiss to. When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the welfare ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune. LETTER TO FARMERS. Beloved Farmers : Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass. Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn Out- two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots. Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs. Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at a o'clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese. The happyest man in the world iz the farmer ; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs. What iz a lawyer ? What iz a merchant ? What iz a doktor ? What iz a minister ? I answer, nothing A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs. Beloved farmers, adew. JOSH BILLINGS. EXTRAET V LETTERS. Fredom Senter, Nov. I^t7l, 1870. FRIEND BILLINGS: Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov man ; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. Iremane thine. Obadiah Broadbrim. MR. BILLINGS : We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal. Editor of London Athaneum. DEAR JOSH BILLINGS : Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 1 7 cents for one allmanaxt ; i am poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live mother. Charley Sriggs, Jun. Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870. DEAR MISSER JOSH : The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871 ; it made dis chile perspire gratuitussly wid bliss. Yure cullud person friend, Josepheen fohnsing. MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS : I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would send me bi the barrow yure allman axes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure loveing friend, Jerusha Sheldon, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike. HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY. The yung gentleman born this month will reraane a bachelor untill hiz 16 year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, klear ov awl debt. The yung lady bom this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time her husband will be a dentist or an alderman. ADVICE TEW TUNG KLERQYMEN. Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable quarterly in advance. A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a missionary more than they do a klergy- man. Be sure and run the church ; don't let the church run you. Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's salary, after it once gits kold. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1872. K 6> A stirring man it nabor Bush, Yu never ketched him idle ; Six daze he works, and sundaze tie Salts geese, and reads the bible. 13 16 18 23 24 25 26 27 28 [29 3 W W Kalkulashuns. \ Now pik geese (9 g awful kold n $ thou shah not commit swareing 11 Si a (W0r sighns ov kold y 23 now bruize wood

/ "a /^^^SE?W, fti y-fc^WjEiii << "^w^^3^ "* c ;' 1Vt\ 1 ^SSs;^^ ^^35^7"^ ;" 'tr^-* V-^**"^__^ a "" 1 Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass, II 1 She's winsitm az a posy ; P*~ CL Ql The chap wlio ketches Mary Moore, " Wont be no kunlryjosey. Og tw ft Kalkulashuns. ROOTS AND ARBS. I S 5, Sweetly warm 8 wont go into 6, and hav 2 3 4 G M T fll now grab roses fafrtquctit wet2> John Smith born ennything left over. Menny a yung phellow haz found out this 6 \\' T in the year 4 & bi tricing tew git a number 6 boot on. 7 F John Smith waz a 8 S good investment 9 9 M warm, tut grmvy Thare iz nothing a man will git 10 ii T t John Smith so sick ov az too mutch molasses. 12 W waz better than (Sweet girls, make a note ov this. ) 13 14 F kompound interest ^3 *T S S now imbibe 16 17 T c G M T fragrance ys( fi bully for John Smith i; Prudery iz often like the ches- nutt-burr: it duz seem as tho it 10 10 W warm, but wet SS never would open, but by and by y 20 T $ Elihu Burritt it yields tew the frost, and lets the 21 F waz a blacksmith <} fruit drop out. 22 S 24 M snaiks COT 25 T sighns ov wet I dont beleave in the final sal- 26 W moisture }JI vashun ov all men, bekauze thare 27 28 T F VJt Horace Greely iz are so menny kases in which i 2 9 S an kant see how it iz going tew be 30 G editor HI ty 8 made tew pay. HOROSKOPE FOR JULY. The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (Hiz posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good hard tew run for offiss on.) The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yel- lo sunshine. She will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will liav poetry for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate kara- mels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the song ov the crickets. ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN. Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro ; it sumtimes happens whare a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well. Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience. Larn tew wait ! this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz the surest way tew git thare. If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground. 31 Days. JULY. 1872. I ^^ ^^^k 1 8- ^v^r^asiiSi A. ^^VTr\iW i o = _fig.||Sj|jjSW-^v!_ J^jefpvbrlj n g "^K$ / L^^*&e*$fiE-$*-Jfy\r' S* A - ^^^^^^.^^^^^fe-X"^ Is o* To brake a mule, or yoke a steer, o * S, Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad ; o. \ He and his mother worked the farm V er o o> Krewel deth had took away his dad. 1 V Q Kalkulashuns. PICKLED TONGUE. i 2 3 4 M T W T U Qffol Q now lay in straw- berrys and kream fi 1j? wind south If I look upon the north pole az one ov them pekuliar spots ov ground, if it aint never found, we S F n Frank Stebbins shant be none ov the wuss off: 6 S waz born this and if it iz found, we shant be 7 & month n none the better oft 5$ more heaty Q 9 T * Frank Stebbins 10 W waz a hoss-jockey ii 12 F Q now exfekt wet showers m, V I kant see what woman wants J 3 S -vM\ 1' Jtl^ *r~Triruf^^^v Jr~Y^t a 8* p S. w 'wvi- I'ffAf- 7l.4v^~--\\- /Jy^^vM r> * i EY*y^SiisSfe!.lfe^ *!##&" a- O nl "~~ "?1 ~^H)S>"' S ^ = _^^^' n --. &" n -~ Ji 1 Come, farmers all, both grate and small. 1 The fields with yello grain are wavy ; S. o- Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls, And make the bukweat cry Pecca^y. 1 W 9 Kalkulashunt. EGG NOGG. 2 3 T F S O O Hot i H *a Pete Whetstone born 956 SI g A man whom yu kan hire tew work on a farm for nothing, and 4 G SI hotter g board himself, will just about earn 5 M Pete waz a baie- hiz wages. 6 T bak rider 2 O 7 W thunder and 8 T litening \\ X 9 F >S Pete rode the TO S fust bear % ^ A learned phool iz one who 1 1 12 M T W UJ hot grows wuss f f now stab suckers f *- \ *- \ haz read everything, and simply remembers what he haz read. *4 Q hot with rain 9 IS 16 F Q kane kilt able S cw S now expekt mutch 18 G M warmth 1JT s kane waz a stunner The highest rate ov interest 20 T . heat prickly . that we pay iz for borrowed 21 W ]t now eat kold trouble. Things that are alwus 22 23 2 4 T F S vittles 6 heat biles $. O grave 1 wliare iz thi viktory 1 * a-going tew happen, never do happen. 2 5 G bigger hot J ^ \?^\ A,.,"*-" IJpSlSfv' e S 5' J^ 8 ~s^ .^ "^z^^T.jjSp "^-^CJSKMKfflPfe "^ i | .a 1 -i 5 Deakon John Jones waz a pius man. .3 But for one thing I kant lend froze ; ' Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore, 5~E $ i. When his old ram knokt him end waze. Q 5* d 5. __ a Kalkulashuns. SLUNG-SHOT. i G IP Mild, but gentle I dont know how it iz with my 2 3 4 M T w $ Abram Tucker bom 1694 i; $ and the ant **T 1C T whiskee iz a non J 16 W konduktor Q, OB 17 T Ti!l snow falls A 18 9 20 F S G g "biled sassage iz good for the tooth ake 6 & ? Thare aint but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys ; 21 M A wind bracing =s even a disgraced rooster in a barn 22 T jji now enquire yard will git a leetle further off 23 W for cider 2 and begin tew crow up a new 2 4 25 T F 3 S Enok waz reputashun. 26 S translated "5* 27 G Q frosty 5 28 M ^- CTk 29 T waz Cunning, at best, only duz the 3 W Homer dirty work ov wisdum ; tharefore 3i T translated $ ^ I dispize it. HOROSKOPE FOR OKTOBER. The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all right His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will hav black hair the rest of hiz days. Jinny person having an easy pnrra take, that will restore a shatter d rcpu- tashnn, wit/tout change ov diet tew the pashiint, kan hav this advertising spate hily reasonable. Enquire of 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1872. Bukwheat kakcs this month lay in, Eat freely of pork and sassage; Theze things kind Heaven givs to us, Who in this world works our passage. W 26 M Kalkulashuns. Kloiidy, but cool 8 Joel Briggs born 1837 V warmer 5 Joel Briggs waz a tin pedlar f 4 J 5 sighns ov rain \ \ beware ov grass widders i 8 A wife waz she wuth having, too ; For when Jane Lovell rooted up her sleeves. Things round that hous begin tew flew. | Kalkulashuns. TIT BITS. 2 F S G {, Sour, but told 8 V3 remember Lot's wife S3 fi raw. A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis 4 At but sour ^ kandy that haz begun tew melt S T A Lot's wife waz 6 W the psalt ov the tff> 7 1 earth at 8 F TTJl more sour The meanest kind ov a loafer 9 S S all good wifes are iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed 10 M HI, more raw X by every one for the privilege ov 12 T W Q Adam Sturgis born 1853 9 windy abusing others. 14 T a Adam Sturgis COO 1C F waz a twin > c 16 S n rain, mixt with Curiosity had twins ; one waz i? G snow V3 23 now Invcnshun, the other waz Stick- 18 M T psalt sheeps 3s wind bights A Yure-Noze-Into- Things. 20 W multiplika- ooooooo coa 21 T shun table 23 24 F S G diskovered 12158 ooooooo 000000000 Deth iz an arrow shot into a krowd ; the only rezon whi it hit 25 M the multiplikashun another iz bekauze it missed us. 26 T table iz hard tew 27 W beat '= 005 28 T Q sour rain X! 29 F y& Bill Adams waz Arly genius iz like arly cab 30 S a free mason v3 bage : it dont apt tew hed welL HOROSKOPE FOB DECEMBER. The man born this month will hav a sanguine tempra- ment He thinks he iz in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been playing the same game he haz falling in love with every man she meets. They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way. The girl .born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too smart to die right off on that account She will admire menny men, but will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart enuff to know this, they will travel through life like a pigeons. SIMPLE REMIDIZ. Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water. Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multi ply a pint ov fusil ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine. Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a kord. Tew. make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly. Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1872. I* "O S r d* The farmer leads an eazy life, 12 hours a day ends hit labors , Evenings pares apples for cider sass, Or hauls over the coals hiz nabort. ! M W 13 17 18 '9 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W M Kalkulashuns. O A Kold and snowsome 11 S; Yankee doodle born 1659 mutch hold / ( How fast will the " comeing man" probably travel? I kant tell to a dot ; but if he kant beat 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. A man with a phew branes iz like a dog with one flea on him dredful oneazy. Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful ; be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy. The more yung ones in a fam ily, the eazier they are tew raize. One chicken alwus makes more klucking for a hen than a dozen duz. Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no dis grace tew be bit bi a dog. A GRIKUL TIB USS. i st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet ; their grate skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats. ad Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want them tew turn up good. 3d, Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce more chickens than they will tew planl them. 4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav weak eyes. 5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs ; it aint best tew cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows. 6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew be thrasht ; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled fust, and thrasht after wards. 7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, es- peshily old rye ; too mutch water will drown out old rye. 8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth ; so will tuds ; but woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile. SUM WEATHER. SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS. The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New Or leans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs. Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and north west ov Montreal, with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness. PROBABILITY. Ambroziat weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 months, with rain and snow ; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov the United States of America. The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assim- flate themselfs tew the principal probabilitiz in the case. If they don't, du notiss will be giv. In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered. JANUARY MISSCELLANY. ARIES, THE ZODIAK HAM. Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in front How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydrauliK ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz ka- pacity for putting a bed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho lie haz no literary pretenshuns, haz made menny brilliant hits in hiz day. TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH. Take one quart ov red cow's milk. Strain all the water out ov the milk. Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum. Ramify it well with white sugar. Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing. (This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz desighned for one person, and always bits the mark.) 31 Days. JANUARY. 1873, * S o 1 Joel Briggf waz born cUrwn eatt, Hiz hight wat 6 feet 2, Hit pahterloons wax -striped. And hitched beneath hiz shu. w 14 i6 17 18 W 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 3 Diagnosis. the dog quaketh S & sighns V3 fi /^ ^ > 9 now the spark sparketh O expekt a thaw Q S -t- Jake Disbrow *- J died 1824. t KODFISH BAWLS. The intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in drinking yung hi- son tea together, and compareing gouts and raraatizms. One ov the most reliable proph ets i kno ov, iz an old "hen, for they don't prophecy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened. I kno ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into a river, they would want tew float up stream. Politeness iz not only the cheap est, but the most powerful argu ment I kno ov. Money well spent iz well in vested. FEBUARY MISSCELLANY. TAURUS. THE ZODIAK BULL. One ov the best behaved animfles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the zodiak bull He is alwus laying down Sat sunning himself. He dont hav ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in the daze ov Virgil he had golden Jiorns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in 1 Wall street This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise to that tender, and Idas-sH"*! sentiment, called " bull necked." PERSONALS. Dear One. Enklosed please find 10 Dollars if you kan. RICHARD. ******* Kum home ! kura home i mi dear husband, i freely for- giv yu for all i hav did. BETSEY. ******* Waz the lady In blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the 8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz corned? References exchanged. PEDRO. 28 Days. FEBUARY. 1873. J 6> Joel Brings a pedlar was, A pe^ -tr ov rcnoun^ He delt in tin ware and s itch, And druvfrom toun tew faun. 13 16 17 18 W 23 24 25 26 27 28 M W Diagnosis. TIE Goose yokes fust discovered 1651 Koldand shivery ff g 9 Jane Brown born 1826 jS O Snowfalls Miss Jane Brown waza woman's righter H > muck koldnett % now pan out slapjax O B3P"&" J0 storm Pete Murdok died 932 fi very raw A $ (\) Pete Murdok died ov a broken harte wr rain $fa Pete Murdok broke biz harte tricing teu lift a meeting house O * KREAM PUFFS. If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best ov them " Doubt- full," and all the other 3 " Use less." Take all the phools and good luk out ov this world, and it would bother the rest ov us tew git a living. Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor az thare iz between the ile and the essence ov peppermint. Whiskey friends are the most unpro6table ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu git reddy tew drink with them, they aint dry. Ridikule that aint true haz no partikular power. MARCH MISSCELLANY* CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB. Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and thare aint no individ ual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi lieing a knot onto the end ov a string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught In the zodiak Cancer rules the brest I should rather hay a blis ter plaster in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer. - ' WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN. Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karak- ter, will hear ov a purchaser by addressing Solamart Wainscote, Pordunk P. O. The goose must be broke tew eat grass. One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered. If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter. What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted. 31 Days. MARCH. 1873. Once Aiz hoss had been a nag, A trotting nag at that, But now he waz a felter, And enny thing but phatt. 13 M is 16 17 18 W 23- 24 25 z6 27 28 29 3 3' M Diagnosis. Tooth piles fust used 1190 TO *p Til % ,? JWT* wind SI James Gordon Bennet born 1802 Wfa | Tatn aVA snow (22) Bennet is a He kold but windy G\ jji now feel around for maple sugar J<2/V wind if V3 lil A now mux in the garden jfl nk ? Q Horace Greeley born 1812 tfi wet rains ? Kf % S3 now prepare for dandylions iq, ,P wind south g Horace Greeley iz a Tribune O 1131 nobby showers 8 now sarch hens for eggs O 6 Q warm and pretty cip < &* frogs have come soft winds j^i Homer waz quite a poet Jfl 1? KOLD SLAU. I don't kno az i want to bet enny money, and give odds, on the man who iz alwus anxious tew pra out loud every chance he kan A reputcishun for happiness wants az mutch looking into az a reputashun for honesty. When a man duz a good turn just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him than he iz aware ov. Next tew the man who iz worth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man who don't kare a kuss for it Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job. JUNE MISSCELLANY. KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE. Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat enny tiling he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording tew popula- shun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew file, and giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zo diak Kaprikornus governs the kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed. LOST. A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz return, when he stole away, with flow ing ears, or waz strayed by sumboddy, answers tew Kris- topher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale. 30 Days. JUNE. 1873. d 1 His kart waz a fcaravan, Piled hi with every kind Ov dikker yu kould name, Besides sumthin hitched behind. 13 14 15 16 17 18 W 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 W M Diagnosis. ^ Now snatch cowcumbers sighns ov hotness $ Q Mark Twain born 1839 Ut D 6 /?# JULY. 1873. far 50 miles round about, When Joel cum along, The wiminin all tur ncd out, For swopping mity strong. W 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 M \V 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 3' Diagnosis. O O Kodfish balls invented 1620 J /a 9 *& . OaalEfflWvifll. c V / if^BoW'&vv'^M ^* ' s^ t E s -3 W^K^^^^^^^^^^^^i^K^^^w^ 03 y s- E S 2 Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans, Basswood c/ieeze from Cos/ten, 1 | ^ Bod sleds, brass rings, and bears He, d 7 OCTOBER. 1873. "is the fate ov tunning men, Of (times tew pla, thefule, So with Joel when he swopt Horses for a balky mult. a 073 K' X 8- w II 12 13 14 15 16 .18 *9 20 21 22 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 2 9 3 3 1 Diagnosis. A 9 Whiskey invented 1612 g frosty SI A whiskey iz very proud' spirited If <*> 5 sharp frost 4 , f now shuv checkers O O TTJl snow flurrys $ Col Peapod born 1503 ifr ^ >k Col Peapod waz a Korporal ^95 IP O wind sharp 11[ Q now lay in yure winter kats n $ 4 /a D I i I I f Kats are a kumfert O Tf cool & ^9 frogs quiet 4 wind nor t A If cider hdz cum JS *' rains Diogonese lived in a barrell TTJ, O now chonk apples 1? HAIST1 PUDDIN. Thare aint nothing that iz a sure kure for lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum. It iz the suprizes ov life after all that give it its zest, even a rat makes things interesting bi the natral suddenness with which he cums out, or goes into hiz hole. Real good lies are gitting skarse. The greatest problem ever given tew man to solve, and the one which he haz made the least pro gress in, iz "know thyself" NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY, LEO. THE ZODIAK LION. Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so tuft Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the whole human kritter. EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR. President, Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dol lars? Konduktor. Not mutch ! President. Do yu keep a trotter? Konduktor^. Not enny ! President. Hav yu enny dimond rings ? Konduktor. Nary I President. Do yu own a fiteing dog ? Konduktor. Nothing ov the sort ! President. How much bank stock have yu got ? Konduktor. Not a red 1 President. We shant want yu, the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got done furnishing konduktors with these things. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1873. O fu -,C\)A. ^r => V S M 1|1 X^^^i?* "' l g 111 I l| JJ^^^^^^T ll x*\si! M -/O /IA"/""'- &)'& i'l* 'x- fr< r ' iVLm S * $ 7Zi= ^v I"* He sold the mule for 3 dollars' &, jr * forth ov honey in the comb, | -f Tlien got himself between the shafts, 53 g * ./</ the tender bull frog <&* ^j rji Q up solid 3 H and the melodious goose iz hush t& $ in stillness O and the old she kat $ O dreams beneath the a $ cook stove X and the luscious slapjax smokes 7 S on the table ft ,? * $ and the Widow Stebbms' $1 wood pile grows less 9 every day TH, n and the rore that yt flt V3 all are praizing iz not the 5p( roae for = For twenty long and weary yean, He meekly war kt for others good, And well he taught the distrik skoal. Boar din round the naborhood. w 13 14 is 16 18 23 24 25 26 27 28 W Kronollogy. Now marry ffi now thrash oats now puntch fires If now ketch rats zz if now eat X fV hash TT2 X( now ^ grease boots t .'.' Q nowpla 3S checkers T now sing sams J?! O $ A O now chew gum ]| O now [] kurl hair (!) now mux 5 8 sassage S now 5 jerk wood now kil duks 8 (tt) >ow kil time [f] S new f%* swop hens A S3 * O now yoke steers now tell ffi 1? 5 yarns now sighn the pledge [?] O now go to bed Q PLUM PITS. Human natur iz like cow natur, i hav known them both tew giv a good mess ov milk, and then kik it over. I luv a phool, what little i kno i hav lamt by hanging around them. Munny makes munny. We all ov us take our kom to the ritch miller tew hav it ground. Thare iz two kinds ov wize peo ple in this world, the wize and the JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS. HIS MEMORANDUM, Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man ; he never waz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and the one he never for got tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz obliged tew giv him bak the mun ny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Bil lings waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but rek- less extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his vir- teus, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What 'has bekum ov him I kant state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it I will dri up here. The end. Hush ! Lay low. MORAL. The klussest man i ever knu, Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs, Tew save expense, he oft would sett, Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs. 31 Days. MARCH. sawed the wood and bill the fires, And while the boys were playing, Hurried, and swept the skool /tous out, And dun a lilt If fraying. 1874,. > 1 M W 13 14 16 18 M \V 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 3* Kronollogy. rtfc, S5 Tell me yee vi-hispring winds o when ty TO TH, hens V will lay and ^ what will )(^ be next T ~ Q- If spring the price t 9 ov hay HI K T and tell me if 2s J n IjJ sf: yu kan whare i will y/( f 5 find an honest man and O also tell me g- 6 whare all $ Q 9 the modest wimmin are lit rii 5 1 tell me t 6 jji theze things and tell me 2 f 7 true and TJ whispring winds )5( o ni H i'llbe IH, mutch obliged 2s to yu A SNAPPIN TURKLES. Humility iz cup bearer to wis- dum. Thare iz plenty ov pholks in this world whoze hartes bleed for the poor, but whoze pocket-books never do. The man who iz willing tew help everyboddy (i am sorry to say this), iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy. If i kan set the fashions for a people, i dont kare who makes their laws. MELKISIDEK BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whole entire femail popula- shun. He parted hiz hare in the middle, and did it un- kommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little fmger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dan- sing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it " An honest man iz the noblest work ov God." Good, aint it ? Rather 1 MORAL. Dandys are a harmless crew, Ov the butterfly purswashun; Happy with a nektie new, Hero's ov sum small ockashun. 30 Days. APRIL. 1874. 'I In this big, but pekuliar world. Not a friend had Hezekiah, The boys put pins into hiz chair. And water in hiz hair diah. 14 IS 16 17 18 19 20 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 Kronollogy. Hark the violet cums ~ on tip toze ~ V3 and the yello dandy Q IJl and so forth & A QUALE ON TOAST. Sum pholks are like kats, so well ballanced that they alwuss strike on their feet when they fall. Lovers are alwuss defineing their extacys, but they are in no better condishun tew do it, than a drunken man iz tew deliver a tempranse lektur. Silence iz alwus safe. False praze iz the wust kind ov slander. SOLOMAN BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Soloman Billings waz bom the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdura, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum ; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum ; litening couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit un sertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in dig ging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov im- pudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz de parted this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat ! I will add, quite. MORAL. Wisdum chunks are chunkier far, Than all the chunks that chunky an C S C = d^t C(nro( Ar e^wiy ffifma WS.&ncL Ac 31 Days. 8 I o So 3 K MAY. 1874. kommitty made him work t (ffow krewcland unphealling,) For less tlian a bartender gits, And nary chantefor stealing. 13 14 15 16 17 18 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 2 9 30 3 1 W KroHollogy. (it Now the vain rooster jjj T5J 2 % splits hiz thrut s and . 18 S 26 G Q o. wind south --. go _ - 27 M mad dogs 1H 8 28 T O Q seen 5 the 2 9 3 W T boy stood on A t O the burning dek Bashfullness that kant be over 3 1 F mutch weather O come, iz modesty. JAMAIKA BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent ; sum say that he waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born tired, and never outgru it He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at the end ov the fust month ov. their nupshalls, taking with her all the pussonell affekts, whiten were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it Jamak'e Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for that He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i sup- poze waz burned, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi ansesstor, but i kant help it Can I ? I hav bin told not. Queer. MORAL. I never knu, in all mi life, Enny man tew go krazy, Who alwuss took things setting down, And kultivated hiz lazy. 31 Days. AUGUST. '1 0> 1874. I But in a distrik skool i kno, Each boy's a bile uncommon, And must a diffrent poultiss hav t Tew git a hed upon em. 13 15 i6 18 19 M W 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W Kronollogy. Huge heat fi David Blair born 1818 ^ m Q O hot inkreases n 1? David Blair wazan Jjl essence pedlar 8 thunder showers ? f( now keep SI J cool $ 9 hotter *a O if enny man attempts tew f & more hot 9 haul down 23 good A hot H the flag JJt red hot ^ shute him on the >J( spot # cooler now m, Bully for Dix 6 DOW lay J ffi in yure son fi strokes ii for next t winter g it biles ! jgg-MikeDoolittle born 1830 O died 1850 S3 Mike done but little here belo nor dun that little [ long 9 now konkockt juleps & MUSHROOMS. It iz az hard work tew git ac quainted with a haff bred family, az it iz for them tew conceal their pedigree. If a man knows himself thor oughly, he iz az wize az he kan be in this life. I luv tew watch the sports 6v children, they kant be children but once, and then but a short time. Hope claims the most, and iz satisfied with the least, ov enny pashun ov the harte. EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occu- pashun. He waz az puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum without fust asking tew be forgiv for it How pure ! how lam like ! Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin ; he waz over 6 feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. He died from eating too mutch gar- den-truL How sad! how disinterested! Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass but tons on, and a sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game ; he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized dok- tors bills. How touching! Truly. How touchful! Really. MORAL. Blest iz the man who fe partikular, And duz all things up perpindikular. (Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular. une. yrtan who s ^pTtfn ft*- na/ {' be uuw*. Ae w-az. rrurre- ays&r YTGI ._ 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1874. o> Tht only kind ;( weather 2 gushing weather / sweet weather o oxhubcrant weather $ poetick weather fragrant weather )jf 8 luvely weather languishing weather soft weather iji mfld weather ? bewitch ing weather ^ and common weather j, KAPER SAUS. Genuine wit dont make a man laff enny more than logick duz. Yu kan buy laming, but wit and wisdum are the gift ov God. Energy iz another name for kapacity. Yung men, like grayhounds, follow by sight; old men, like bloodhounds, follow by track. LUKE BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandlc, and az austere az hoss- radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys ; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on ! sleep on 1 dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew no- boddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear 1 oh, dear ! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed. MORAL. From keeping skool, and thejpay, Two things pestiverous, [ feel az tho' I'd like to say, Good Lord ! deliver us. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874. r rather would I kav a man. Than offer me hii fifty. Hit me rite smart long side the ked, For that mite make me gritty. M VV 13 M 15 16 i? 18 *9 23 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 W Kronollogy. | | About these tq, days expekt rain i 5 t now worry wood chucks f n 5 sighns OT snow ::: A S now hurry coons Ii. ^ V cooler rjj now 7 persekute musk rats O frost 5 If Til now TTJI hunt patridge quite kold 8 If now chase quails more snow % now O pester foxes ^ V G^~ sour rain ,JF^ S- now persew O 7? bears ty hard t frost 2 * now sarch for Jf SI 9 & elephants <5 a more kold O A now go for anakondys O K( Q freezing K now prospekt for ^ Behomaths 2 raw kold 9 now dig for mastedons 8 now t KONDENSED MILK. The more rare a mans qualitys are, the more he will be found fait with, dust on a dimond iz ahvus more noticeable than dust on a brik. Experience teaches a good many things, but dont learn us but a phew. I hav seen old villains who were komparitively pure, they had either worn out their vices, or their vices had wore out them, i dont kno whitch. It requires the gratest ov skill tew hide a weakness. NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS. HIZ MEMORANDUM. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he did When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't Hiz wife waz smarter than chane litening, and kleancr than a ghost, she waz. Her hash didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't Yu mite az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a boss, trade with a peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious ! how impekunious ! how transhunt ! Alass ! alass ! Neb* waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in 1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she will But she kant, kan she ? She kant Happy it iz that thare iz a thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so. MORAL. Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel, But 1 how delusiv and rash, For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt, Az doing a klean job in hash. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1874. Enny man who a skool hat kept Ten years, (krewel/ate allots I) Ought tew hav hi* shuze pulled of h. And be turn ed out tew grots. 14 15 16 i7 18 !9 M W 23 25 26 27 28 29 3 M Kronolhgy. 1111 Hark p the & 2 kold wind whissells ? and Y> the rane s drizzles X A and a* 3 the snow S3 phizzles O i a and 9 the fire sizzles 9 n and the 8 Iff. rji dogs O "5? bark & and A 9 the boys HI lark X ^ 8 ^l 151 and the kats mew A and \3 the kittles stew and the pork S S ? * fries S and IP the mince t TT| pies a f J f |=| dr> T*. and the X< turkey dies -g ip 2 and the owl dreameth \3 and the goose $ $ X skreameth ( !) and the girls 6 i $ r f snikker and the men dikker and GINGER SNAPS. Thare iz, now and then, a man who knows that he iz a phool; sutch a man iz a hard man tew cheat. I hav known people who waz virtewous just bekauze they waz lazy, they hadn't snap enuff in them tew brake one ov the 10 commandments. I beleave pitty iz more ov an impulse than a principle, for we seldom respekt thoze that ire He who suspekts everyboddy, should be watched by everyboddy. MUSHANMILK BILLINGS. HIS MEMORANDUM. Mushantnflk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov ansesstors. He waz begot during the nth or 1 2th sentury, or thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died pre vious tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mush anmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Bil- lings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansess- tors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their ambishun waz the result ov vanity. Their honesty the effekt ov edukashun. Their charity, the luv ov novelty. Their philosophy, able tew bear the stummuk- ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their virtevs generally, more the growth ov their pride than ov their humility. What a pitty I Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily. MORAL* Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, Az mush, rite hot, from out the kittle. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1874. Instid ov this, how treto it tit, The skoolmtuter it treated, Like one we owe 50 dollars, And wont admit we've cheated. 14 i5 16 17 18 19 23 24 3 27 28 29 3 W Kronollogy. n Bitter kold 3 * a thing ov buty T? H iz a joy forever thundring kold & V 7| if yu must drink hot i 9 rum S3 do it now jehosiphat kold Allminacker S KOLD KUTS. The more humble a man iz before God, the more he will be exalted, the more humble he iz before men, the more he will git rode ruff shod. The only really natral thing thare iz about enny man, iz hiz conshunce. Enuff good luk will ruin enny man. Whare thare iz one man obsti nate bekauze he iz wize, thare iz 4>6p5 853 obstinate bekauze they are Ignorant Trust in God first, yure nabor next, and yureself last. AMEN. HEAR THE PAPERS TALK I We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Far- mar's Allminax for 1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company. Coonhollow Demokrat. Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched > out; it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things ; buy it, and set down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again. Boston Pilgrim. We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor from it each hour ; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he who steals it, will Anally die. New Orleans Budget. Saw my right leg 0$ lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Far mer's Allminax for 1875 aint the bnllyest brick the civil- ized world has ever laid eyes on. Texas Daily Bandit. Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst ; like an oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on the run. Lowell Examiner. PRIVATE OPINYUNS 0V JOSH BIL LINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX. "A pearl ov grate price." Dtakon Mazes Mills. " I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job." Israel Pugh. o " Az konsise az a kambrik needle." E. Jt. Dun&an. o V This allminax iz az phull ov sharp dungs az a hedge hog's back." Ezra Fist. o "Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles." DoJd. J. Munson. " Oh lud ! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it" Wlddo Jane Perkins. " Tis too sweet for enny thing." Miss Matilda Ann Brown. "It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, and koruskating gencralitys." John Mead, A.M. HONESTY, Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to ours, and from now untill the judge ment time, an Honest man haz been, and will be, " The noblest work of Cod." Pope's deskripshun ov an honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever haz been used. A KARD, A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheezc, full ov little things. When a, man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a jury. 31 Days. JANUARY. 1875. f Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hit koal box, Tho tno on the hard ground may lay, And sktids for the nuze paper offiss. To get hit supply for the day. '3 H 15 16 i? 18 19 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3o 3i M W Billings Log. Jf S Q Rather kold It & SI T& ITJ pepper sass invented 1632 (^^9 & jfo ^ mutch kold now mangle $ n 23 O S wood sighns ov f < $ fa sno _^J dont pik o | O geese this month $ expekt sum O i S weather hi tides X : now anihilate hogs 7? ? I I I =2 5 more :o: koldly * 5 $ S Mike Tower died 1812 V 8 SI 9 prepare $ $ for sno 1 S tn, e n dont y Db plant enny Jt corn this month ^ dredphull chilly now assassinate O S poultry ft go to bed arly Q O MORNIN GLORYS. If i kant hav but two things on me that dont pinch, let it be mi shirt kollar, and mi boots. Christians seem to fi.te under cover, but the devil stands boldly out, and dares the world to single kombat Philosophy iz a kind ov severe sentinal, who locks up the harte, and throws the key away. A thoroly lazy man iz ded enuff to be buried, and his phuneral ought to be advertized at once. G R I Ts Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it I hav known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz whipt This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to file a wind mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when they hav got enufil Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very certain, or par- tiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kasc at onsL If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that This aint fair. ARGUMENTS. It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles. Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1875. Now having arrived at the ojfiss, He goes in for nonsense, and noize, And strives to git holdov hiz papers, Before the rest cv the boys. IP W M 5 W M W W Billings Log. Kondem kold 1J now flies V are still 13, snow falls ss fl 8 V thare iz a X divinity shapes tJk TTB )fl 5 our ends kold grows ^ .. O kolder Si Bill Stevens H Jt O S born 1306 now chew slapjax J| O low tides W sighn ov mutch [] weather S Sun in O apogee A expekt frosts = about $ S theze days dont plant onion seed S [f] fi Sally Ann Murdok died t^j A * O kolder Sally Ann waz a Q weaver S sighns ov fis a thaux Sally Ann weavered yarns 4 7 peace to our ashes HELIOTROPES. When a woman wants enny- thing, she wants it with all her strength, and every boddy elses strength too. Intelekt without judgement iz what ails about onehalff the smart people in this world Thare aint bad luk in the whole world to ruin enny one man, not if he wifl fite it out on that line. A fknatick iz the wust man we hav to kontend with, reazon haz no effekt on him, and it iz agin the law to klub him. CHARITY. Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the level or the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a virte- wous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit- price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up, i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satis fying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time. yzss so. All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting boss ride eazy. One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate fiddler. 31 Days. MARCH. 1875. Wj I S K t Afoo having his merchandize pure liased, ffe's out in the sno, and the sleet. And yells like a " trove" on the war path, As swiftly he runs thru the street. II 12 IS 16 18 19 M 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 VV Billings Log. Windy winds O now o dig oat 7 woodchucks il 1632 ^ more wind rji Sam Davis f IJT was an Q 1 operator t 9 y iq, look out for wind X SS Sam Davis operated on hen roosts | n prepare for wind JJ % now pay V yure dels O ft windyness S- prevails $ S S Q O Adam waz a weak ]jl fi t 6 TT aster mutch signs ifc 2 *P ov wind now sarch ^ iff 'i? fi, f, for boss radish yK a TIJ, X more wind tud-stools e S diskovered 1283 TULIPS. A pedant iz one who over estimates whatever he haz got, whether it be learning, munny, dri goods, or the rumatism. I dont reckolekt ov ever doing ennything that i waz just a little ashamed ov, but what sum one waz sure to remember it, anc every once in a while put me in mind ov it The most bitter kriticks we hav are those who hav failed them- self to write ennything worth reading. He who haz got nothing to do in this world but arnuze himself haz got the hardest job on hand kno ov. FUN. Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary while taking them. A lit tle fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they man aged to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it The Billings family are allwuss on the lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning. HEAR YEE. The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov. Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up file, enny time, aint worth having. 30 Days. i APRIL. 1875 O'.SJ " Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune? Iz tfieyung merchants ear. piercing kry, " Cot tlie orfull smash up on the rale rode,"* And a kuntryman stops him to buy. 14 15 16 18 '9 W 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 2 9 30 M W Billings Log. Gentle showers ^ 23 =. " now j insert onion " A \3 seed S $ R JJt more rain *a # perpetual S moshun diskovered .Q 1832 y X flj more rain perpetual O 8 .Q moshon # lost 1313 O 2 JS inkreasing $ A wetness W now prospekt $ fj 1? for dandylions S TTJJ (B Abner Durham 5 ff? T # iti bom 956 expekt rain n $ S3 Abner Durham waz a S 1? /s> pedlar 4 wet rain O Q Abner O Durham [!!]~ peddled goose yokes rain i 1? luv me, luv 9 mi c^> dog V damp drizzles A PRIMROSES. About az low down az a man kan git, and not quite spile, iz to liv on his wife's reputashun. A good karakter is allwuss gained bi inches, but iz often lost in one chunk. To be strong a man should hav plenty ov friends, and plenty ov enemys too menny friends weak ens him, and too menny enemys makes him a vagabond. The man who haz sworn not to forgiv haz uttered the wust oath he kan take. EAZY BOOTS. One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who fust invented tite boots com mitted suiside, so i hav been told, this waz kind in the phel- low. But if he had committed suiside before he had been born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear consilience, for solid cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot. HITS. After tricing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference. Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to meazzure the worlds frailtys in. 31 Days. MAY. 1875, o 1 ^ j *>w . / -ase* . @3v\ i i j> # : ' ; 'rb p'-OTKa '/ ' TfcHiW' ' tjr "* r* flTV/. .SKU/ * ffii&\i 1* * I ? ^ Another boy rushes to serve him, to 1 ij .#/ owr hero wont stand it no how, d> | So he pockets the kuntryman's munny, O And fixes himself for a row. 5 V3 Billings Log. DAFFODILLS. I 2 S G O Dandylions TIJJ 5 are JJ: here ^ The man who haz got nothing 3 M warm O to reckomend him but robust 4 T and fine helth, and an excessiv flo ov an 5 6 7 \V T F O & tud-stools hav arrived ? fi Ji it rains vfe imal spirits, iz az unplezant an as- soshiate az a 4 year old kolt. 8 S frogs hav 23 9 G $ V3 20 T -3 O a butiful 21 F day $ ^ Abram Helth is like munny, we never 22 S $ Barker elekted fj hav a true idea ov its value untill 2 3 G constable K a angell y 27 T wind fj\ ^3 ^B 28 2 9 F S O southernly now investigate TIE The most dangerous person in 3 G )fl for hens eggs if this world, iz the one with the 3 1 M quite wet 1 ! ! I most tallent, and the least virtew. WOMAN. Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az play ing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam. Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov trumps. PRIVATE SENTIMENTS. If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the other 15 ever learnt mutch or not Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be both. 30 Days. JUNE. 1875. o- S el Q-.O They "go in " like a pair ovyung tigers, And neither seems anxious to stop, Till they are suddenly brought to their senses, By a vigilant, fierce- looking " cop." W M W 14 IS 16 17 18 '9 20 21 W 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 M vv Billings Log. "I V3 Wet rains Abigail Fish iff HE n married o 1756 * warm heat $ & 2 now ho O gardens V fit I*. Q expekt thunder O T? hot ? rains O O <> 3 now hunt for musketoes Q $ U perhaps 9 rain, O & A perhaps not now kast Q yure bread O 'R.1 SI V on the Q waters a f siglins ov $ litening J Q a now fish 4 p them away to the ttashun, Whare both are krestf alien and meek, And after a lektur onfiteing, Tlu kids are discharged by the " beak.' ; 15 16 17 18 M \V 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W Billings Log. Expekt grate /a Ijt S $ hotness f now snaix X are slippery o thunder & s n mixt with fi ^ litening 6* X 4 Ketchum parted hiz hare in the S tf &* middle sum ^* 3P 1? ii litening # about theze ^ V J? daze :: D mad dogs 8 ? heard ov (o) [!jl] 6- less hot now destroy W y grass for hay 2 sighns ov thunder 5 14 15 16 17 18 M W ! 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 3i M Billings Log. Big heat Si now t hunt K> for cool places <} thunder & g and litening x A ^ born 1756 y& t heat grows 2 6 IP 2 heaty ' W* Phil Sherman S $ HI ) _J$k ' '' jiSto^'V-' & %^c1i^i?i IH^/^Nl r* I- : ^^- je in <. J S --^]ff^ ^UP^- G t 5 1 He meets with a smoothfaced old villain, | Who ov a bad stamp would git free. O 3 But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and set. " Yu kant hunt that ere over me." Q is. Billings Log. SWEET WILLIAMS. I w" T 4 Mild 3 D. Bashfullness iz often like the 2 3 4 T F S and slik T 1 A Zip Coon /J [] r V3 died 1822 plating on spoons, when it wears off, it shows the brass. 5 G *& tender $ $ 6 M winds T 9 TT ^ 7 T S V Zip waz 8 9 W T a coloured O .*.| brother W Lerning pays a better interest 10 F mello rain y ,Q than munny duz, besides the prin- ii 12 S G 6 3 put not yure sipal never gits lost. trust in W j. 13 M T JL T members ov 15 W "1 T the legislator 16 T more mello 3* 12 I? F rain $ jj now Abuv all things, lern yure child 18 S K( consume 2 to be honest and industrious; if 19 20 21 22 G M T W $ T $ oysters perhaps ram, W a 3 perhaps not go slo S f $ theze two things dont enable him to make a figger in this world, he iz only a cypher, and never waz 23 T fl expekt frost Mutch kold 3 mares nest f%* diskovered 1810 If now keep cool | S> A Ben Butler iz a lawyer $ ttj. T less koldly E sarch *** for H dF" ice ^ expekt tV sum D inkrease Q ov f weather * Flora Temple & 7 x could + trot fast r- , r more koldfull ! Job Perkins ^ f ~.?LK. x ^.-v>_j.* l lw o j? s J>'/ friend told John to travel, or .a Twelve miles on the jump each day, y f*i I Before he et enny brekfasst, 1 d And not loiter upon the way. T? * Short Fakts. FfGGER HEDS. i T Dern kold 2 the 2 VV kockroach haz no Kats are very humble, espesh- 3 T sting E3^~ prepare ily just after they hav committed 4 F for more '|' sum nu kind ov deviltry. S S ^ ,* weather 6 G Bonaparte fit \ \ 503 7 M for a living :J: 8 T W sighns * ov * wind The man who iz allwuss tricing 9 to ii 12 T F S now sing sams Jake , 1 Turner departed A 1830 J& u snowy |J| to kreate a sensashun, will git so pretty soon, that he kant kreate even a disturbance. I 3 Jake Turner * S 14 !-?-! waz a "}f iO 15 T c-o-n-s-t-a-b -1-e 16 VV , it duz Tf snow-U, If yu want to git a fust klass i? 18 F O 3 now situashun in sum alms house, 19 S slay hogs ;(); giv all yure property to yure 20 21 G M Tttt [] for pock lessly 11 cold children before yii die. 22 T Washington rt^ 2 3 W J? f::] could " 2 4 T S not lie TH. wind Thare's lots ov men in this 25 26 27 28 F S G M more fluktuous expekt visitors Q) X? snow squally now munch J-v] world that are like a rooster, take the cockade, and spurs off from them, and yu couldn't.hard- 2 9 T D Q Y slapjax ly tell them from a hen. THE KRO W. I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on. the face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwcll to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, darning the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting dissemi nates, and the krows fii away. HOLD I Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three. If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizz ness, ketching flies iz az good az enny. 31 Days. MARCH. 1876. I of I eg* John heard next that dieting, Waz the only thing 'twould hurt At'in t Liv on a Jill of soup a day, And they offered to insure him. M W M W Short Fakti. Windy SI winds A 9 Congress gits together 23 [ T now C look out 3 O for wind watch hens Sf n for eggs 9 Q wind more CS so Frank Dutcher appeared 1742 S 3 wind howls Q iti 6 Frank e flfa D-u-t-c-h-e-r 3s Til was "3 * failure -^ ~ HI wind 9 shouts U now ! ask # k!o!n!u!md!r'.u!m!s moreO 7 F Q rain fg* 009 8 S now ffl the fi frog 9 10 G M t squeals & wet % .^1 day "5JT 8 ffl I dont kno which iz the biggest ii T Joab 1 O Mitchell phool, the man who kan spend 12 VV Tltt died 1769 * two hours bragging about himself, '3 T mizzling wet $ -H- or the one who kan sit pashuntly 4 F O t = Joab loved and listen to him. 15 S old cider ^ wind 16 G M southy A o about gp now ~ ~3 VS rtfa 18 '9 20 T w T ffl thrust in arly 3 peas "$" Jll moist but S wet $ A It iz very diffikult for a man to change his pollyticks, or hiz reli 21 22 F s ekonemy is welth gion, without being suspekted ov 2* G 23 SI it rains T having very little ov either. O 24 M Daniel Webster T^ T U 3 knu law fi , COT 26 VV it J $ drizzles 27 ,o T F non est $) n Q) The two bizzyest persons in AO 2O s con-fab-u-lus" this world about nothing, iz a 7 30 G o :~. country gossip, and a June bug. THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM. The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a word wrong, or parse a sen tence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less laming than she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a Jarnt woman az hiz wife .iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, she sootned me when i waz frack- shus, and she often (good soul) giv me a titbit from her luncheon at noo,n time. May Heaven bless, and com- fort her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz . stepmother to every boddys yung ones. STOP. A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other a things i kno ov. Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things. 31 Days. MAY. 1876. Johnny then bought a hard trotter, And rode himself weak az a rag, Then sold him for ig dollars. Just hajf that he gave for the nag. M VV 13 14 15 16 17 18 '9 M W 2 3 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 3 M W V Hoss radish 3 haz cum 8 O D wind south-east * * 3 v grindstuns v diskovered 1714 f S wet showers Ralph Goodo f S3 A e> born 1109 mild but plezant ss 9 * ^ 5 Ralph S O loved & ? sassage 3 prepare ttfa for nice 9 O A ^ weather rji man waz J "3 T kreated 1 a 3 little lower than the U angells%and 8 haz been K ^ T$ TU, gitting W a ^ little B lower ever since now , O insert K S arly corn Q tf SSO Pharaoh felln warm 0) ~ K <5 * 1TE 5 S into the red see t V3 t)fc WEATHER COCKS. Thare iz now and then a fool so well bred that he is really quite endurable. Gossip that iz travelling around loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the time it haz changed hands once more. I wrote 5 years just for glory, and met with sum glory, but when i asked for pay, every bod- dy found out at once, that i waz a kussid phool. Thare iz lots ov pholks who if they should miss their morning paper wouldn't kno mutch ov enny thing for that day THE RED CURRANT Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny now, az they waz then. I wish i waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i kno now, i would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out. REFLEKT A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man. 30 Days. JUNE. Vrf years fohn spent hunting tonicks t He drank all the kitres in the land, And lost to mutch flesh he wat forced To hold tip hiz pants with each hand 1 . 1876. w- M W M 13 14 '5 16 17 18 19 W M VV 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 M W Short Fakts. Sighns ov warm- ness S O A Ruth Comstok born O 8 1786 A $ 8 Ruth Comstok 3 had the \ dispepshy ? more rain O 23 A now expekt licening rod s= 9 Til 3 venders J; hot but wet :$ June bugs T O ft 3 have cum more heat $ Mark jfr Twain P is a funny kuss t expekt hotness jyi ft 8 now bury ~ potatoes K V3 O 23 not so warm Old Grimes rii U ded "if ft hunt J for A frogs 'Ss hind legs . thunder and -3 O O litening ft thare iz a (J divinity shapes o our ends ^r Q) TOP KNOTS. He who elevates hiz profeshun iz the best mechanik, whether he preaches the gospel, peddles phis- ick, or skins eels for a living. Lazyness iz a terrible burden to carry, and it iz one ov them kind ov burdens that yu kant dump, if you want to ever so mutch. It aint no disgrace for a man to fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, An old man desperately in luv iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az bad off. az a lost dog. THE LITENING ROD MAN. Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze litening ro'd fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent rite to. ESPO USE. The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so with the next 3. It .aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself. 31 Days. JULY. 1876. A. *tf^%W ^ Ix H f Our pashiint now took to reading. F 1 //If ituddid the liver ov man. j heat hottens 3 T a* snakes ~ hav cum jekt, without expressing grate anxiety about my soul. 17 M 3 it rains <* -H- 18 T Ward -Beecher ax> TIJJ iz a p reecher A 1 9 20 \v X S expckt rti Go slo yung man, if yu tap 21 F thunder 8D S Sf both ends ov yure cider barrell 22 S 9 ~ i musket ore at once, and draw out ov the 23 24 2 5 G M T d. perforate 3 hotly rll T cheuing gum | diskovered bung hole besides; yure cider aint a going to hold out long. 26 W O <& 1596 A 33 cos 27 T Adam waz our O 28 2 9 F S G J beginning Q mutch hot S 3 cheers fi Z Eat hash washing days, and be thankfull for it, even if yu hav 3i M S3 T S for Adam to shut both eyes to do it. THE PEA CH. Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint hart so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how art less, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and niello yu may call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to. DIGEST. I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav thought, that a travelling korn doktor, war the last one i should adopt, just for the sake ov glory. Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik. 31 Days. AUGUST. 1876. il John bought next a kord of hard wood, And sawed like a man on a bet, It bent him dnbble, if it hadn't, yohn would have sawed at it yet. M VV 13 16 18 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 2 9 3 31 M W W Short Fakts. Mutch warm TT A jy, now consume 22 juleps ft Q) thunder showers Pete Larkins JEg~ / absconds 1741 9 .: O O immense heat @ now S ** -H- TIE IT]:: P ik geese If more hotter 9 Eve waz our (!) 5 If fust mother ft less O hot O fleas are here ^ = TU, ~ big rain pills diskovered 436 X hot V3 seems 3 | merely | now snatch k 0) g H-S M M 3 M S 16 '7 18 '9 \V M VV 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 M W rf Fakts. Q) a Mildly D Q) now ~ IT], crickets simmer s soft il 5 f Fred Johnsing deceased $ A rtti C3) wm( J east Johnsing waz nj, ^ Q a barber 9 now lift t) onions 8 warm $ 5 rane O Chapin' u X a p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r ; mild : D September t^, now the cuckoo X * O hollers expekt showers '? o Sim Darling born 1492 * ~ C" O A g "si quod infantum" If 2> S much pleasant now the lamb ^= V3 5 bleats t Q 3 sweet -H- weather giv us your hand *X. stranger 6 ( T7|, for 90 days UPPER K RUSTS. The gratest bores in the world are those who are eternally trie- ing to prove to yu that a, and 2, allwuss makes 4. One ov the simplest ways to try menny men's faith iz, to ask them to subskribe for fixing up the meeting house. Free luv is the science ov luve- ihg sumboddy else's wife more than yu do yure own, and tricing to preserve a good average, it kant be did. Stealing is the oldest sin on rekord, stealing apples. THE YELLO JACKET. The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot, They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the file by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile out ov their nests like a dis- trikt skool let out for noon, or a smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises. EMB RA CE. Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git. Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job. 31 Days. o OCTOBER. 1876. Owr /$-0 soon found out a place, With a farmer, kind hearted indeed, Who let him ho corn for nothing, And only charged John for his feed. 16 17 18 2 3 2 4 2 5 26 2 7 28 29 3 ff n Jack Frosty fi 3 9 now T hunt ,fir butternuts ty A, 35 cool but wet John Bunyan Q $ f waz a pilgrim * more cool * now trap O ijl S for rats wind northy j> apple sass ^ ia "5" Q | invented 986 wet but cool 3 -j ~ \3 X now jerk turnips If A HI =2= 9 more |- *-| moistly tg ^ Q sun in Q) apogee ; frosty now '. t destroy 5 early 4* 4 pork TTH sum snow # 9 1 | Dan Barker kikt the bucket 6 |^~ 1691 8 fi koldy e& now smash Q) wood a muskeeters skarse* MORNING STARS* Seckond luv, iz like a seckonc case ov the measles, the pashun; iz sure to allwuss hav it light. Yu kant hire a man to be hon est, if yer do, he will want his wages raised every morning. Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life preserver, only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and then half the time put on hind side before. Most people are like an egg, too full of themselves to hold enny more. THE YANKEE PEDLAR. Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mis take amung a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the promt lies in a dicker, and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the mile stuns, iz fast fading away. SEIZE. Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss wins the munny. If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876. John read in a hand till somewhare, That salt water was share to save Aim, So he went forthwith to Long Branch, And hired a man to bathe him. II? '3 14 16 18 23 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 3 Short Fakts. Kold but sour TTK Q) |^ now worry the fires fi * 1?' sno | 9 | foot Q -K- TTJJ deep Zeke t Rathbun failed 1862 ? O kold It 8 grows ^s Zeke waz in 9 t^-. 9 .g the pea nut V3 "3 ~ K profeslmn grate kold jj^, how J mastikate $ Q) Si > c. ,2* ham and egg kolder : : f JSS HB avoid O tite % fi boots rji sno inkreases sy o Jj r- Satan iz s- rth A a Q mean 3 kuss it ~ thaws mutch kold A fi X? O hitch up to the fire n TDl S 1 Q t ?V 1 EARLY BIRDS. Thoze who are too proud to enquire what a thing kosts when they buy it, are the fust ones to find fault when they cum to pay for it. Kards, whiskey, and hoss race- ing, bring all men down to the same level. If a man writes for fame, the less he writes, the "better. When a man meazzurcs out glory for himself, he albruss heaps the hafF bushel. THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY. For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to trade for enny thing, from a yer- ling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits' cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop oxen, and be a good [deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading i enterprize, if he kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey iz sumtimes honest i from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just gitting reddy to swarm. D ISKOUNT. If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a dubble tooth to- stop akeing. A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn the 10 commands. 31 Days. DECEMBER. 1876. g -*- 3^ > \ a ll\ Tjz- ^K- \> p. * *^ IL^ oc E 1. o* i y hn kept growing wusser and wuss, Thinner, and thinner each day, 1 At last he wax nothing but mist, And an East wind tlu Mm away. 9 & hort Fakts. MIXT PHObD. I F O ~ * Raw kold 2 S now whissell (J >): Whiskey makes a grate menny 3 G iWi in your kats wize men to day, and phools 4 M more snowy Q a tommorow. S T njj g Sue Benson 6 W died 1812 -ff O 7 T $ expekt snow 8 9 F S Sue | waz fa* flirt mutch raw ft A Persons who marry after a long 10 G U 3 now and tejus courtship, go into bizz- ii I 2 M T con.vglom: :e: rrate ness with just about the same W ?!1 r 1 o i i| 1 a f 1 in I 11 II 1 fib- grj z$ V .s ^x< Btf ^^^^^^^^SfcT"^, 3? ^r rt f ^ > ' 1 KsA=--_... t^, - - i- >-_ *"-x- jH ? ^^ K Hawk eyed, and spilt ing for a fight, ^-^ r |- // f t nny one thinks they kan lick hi W, Kt 6>3 Just let them put up the spondulicks, And trot out the other game chicken. x- & D Items. PETS. i 2 M T A Mi Now dig ice kold O but A man with mutch welth, and 3 W raw S If meazles no pedigree, should do az the 4 T diskovered 1312 Y bob tailed kats do, set down on 6 F S <& *snowfuU* Adam fell Q) hard himself, and keep still. 7 G ;:: wind north Q 8 M T Enok Jones died $ I 02 more 10 W snow TH Enok < Tricks upon travellers are all- ii 1 2 T F S Jones was a free wuss dangerous experiments, i s lover *** sighns t! hav known a ded hornet to IS 16 G M T ov melting (12) now destroy sum hogs f it rains 3 wake up sudden, and sting just once more. 17 W litening u bugs 18 T fust seen 956 O (') 19 20 F S x inkreasing snow mormonism y Familiarity iz a dangerous ex 21 G invented 1832 * periment, the most familiar thing 22 M 1 K^" snow 4 feet in the whole world iz a puppy, 23 T deep * now the ] muskeeter [$] 25 T lies A a dreaming CQQ- 26 F O cold 3 D 3 27 S merely j. S< 28 o fV. now ,- , the This is my plan, to beleave 2 9 M A :o: kat Q ^ all things that i hear, but to put 3 T huggeth the A O mi faith, and munny, in but few. 31 W _j. o stove SUM ABRUPT LETTERS. Dear Bob. The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, who haz bekum the ter ror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time ham mering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress. P.S. Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a job. J.B. Dear Steve. It iz hard work to be in luv. and not akt phoolish, but luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wis- dum, and ambishun iz no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the hewn grass. Dear Hank. When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom. BULBS. Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on. 0- Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1877. M f*^ ^~ r* | |o '^^ : 'f^^^^^(\^^^' . O^^J^''*P^\^^^S^> a. 5-a ^fe^V^^^^^g^'^-^^OT^ ^>^ " * a 'J^C> jr ^^\i^^u)^r~. > -^v-v,. ^TM'V' 1 1 An ugly lump is the Tar Her Bull, ? !> 6 For fighting allwuss reddy. P 1 With Mike O' Rouke he travels. r J And his name iz one eyed Teddy. 3 Items. VAGRANTS. i 2 T F The kold -'N- chatters ~~> Bill Life aint mutch more than a 3 s Comstock deceased farce enny how, but it iz quite 4 G 1! 1746 o sighn ov necessary that the play should 5 M snow O Bill O go on, and the farce be well 6 T Comstock died ov ackted. 7 W If a broken heart 8 9 T F more koldful () *%, f Bill Comstock Q The man whoze ambishun iz 10 S tried to lift a ijl Y simply to liv, iz of no more im- ii G ton * kolder * but portanse in this world, than an 12 couldn't f A snow extra rat iz. *3 "5" falls -- sun in 14 W apogee bitter too IS T kold rtfi rats are If Adam and Eve had remained 16 F s skarse .ty it storms in the garden ov Eden untill to 18 G C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r day, they would hav simply been 19 M Columbus O 3 & two fat, overgrown babys. 20 T S? diskovered a 21 W Atnerika <1 koldness COS 22 T waxes :-y: now S The gratest cumfort i hav seen 2 3 F 17 ,*. the + Q in marrid life waz whare one ov 24 25 26 27 S G M T bull frog , holds [O] hiz tung * , snow rages E> I M \V ii 12 13 14 IS 16 18 '9 M \V 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 M Items. It blows O A (XT) Robert Burns O wrote poetry C more wind 11 Q) Fulton was * a 23 steambote c\ Q) Capting ' wind travels ' around loose *Vi 3 1 now set hens 8 kold and raw V3 kongress sits 1 more windy Bob Fletcher O loved not wisely * but too well H Bob \3 Fletcher loved whiskey f wind } Easty * Bonaparte 1? was a ~ m SS Frenchman If * rain f with ^- w-i-n-d l5fa hoss radish ~D sum more f o 3 O rainness Q -^- Jabez Tucker 5 obituated ^ *5|c 1776 ,--^ a 3 'y jjl 9 sweet day Jabez 1 fit === J" 1877. | fl el y/fo poodle iz a frowzy bird, A hiding place for fleas, and varnii/t, IVimmin lug them round for pets, And call them " luv," and " duv," and " charming .M W M 15 16 18 2 3 24 2 S 26 2 7 28 2 9 30 M W Items. 8 Luvly moments wind bammy 3 June bugs are A O 5 here i, very wet Patience Burbanks O * run away y 1840 ISpsun hot * . r|i expekt pak pedlars Si ^ wind rizesZT y Sam Brewster elekted constable O a 1865 Q sighns ov drougth '(J be kind fi A to your mother in law J very hot -now-stik-in-beans POSTSCRIPTS. The man who iz eazily in fluenced and yet wont be ad vised, iz a dredphull hard kritter to steer Necessity iz the very best gift ov heaven, without it poor human natur would only be a herd ov loafers. What a man gits for nothing, he iz very apt to value at just about what it kost. Opportumtys are like birds, they will slip out ov yure hands if yu giv them haff a chance. THE SPIDER. One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the mean est reptiles that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan think ov now, that set traps for their viktuns. They are az mean az a man in this re- spekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melan- kolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. 1 dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so. DREGS. Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather than argy the case, i am willing to think so too. Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous, there never waz a man yet but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors. 31 Days. a JULY. Full of cunning, and low deceit, Witk stolen cream, and chickens fat, Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet, Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a tat. 1877. *| _ s S- 13 15 16 i7 18 J 9 M W 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 3i W M Items. T Warm hotness ic $ and litening 9 Amos Jones \3 SI sloped tf 1839 south wind 9 Q Amos waz a wood- sawyer more hot SS now borrow 3 umbrellers 9 X thunder Tf showers let us hav & ^ peace inkreasin^ hotness 3 now pik * green corn n wind southly tff Q virtew iz its 1 own reward t very dusty 9 now inhale juleps <5 D hot grows Mary Walker f jji 3 born (!) 1840 kloudy X Mary had Q a little O lam cooler Job waz iji /s> a pashunt fi fellow- ijl very hot f 9 now chew S ice Q) g? go slow VAPOR. The man who gits hiz edu- kashun from the daily papers, if he happens to miss one, haz lost all he iz a going to kno for the next 24 hours. The hardest man to convince in an argument iz the one who alwuss sez "yes" to everything yu say. I would rather a boy ov mine would be haflf full ov deviltry, than chuck full gravity, but i haint got enny boy yu know. The road to ruin iz down hill, and McAdamized at that THE MILKSOP. The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks are inno- sent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light THE MIZER. The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left CHALK MARKS. Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown over into the fust vacant lot they cum to. o Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on them. 31 Days. AUGUST. 1877. Short haired, and nervous az a ghost, Answering to "Bill," or "Ned" or "Fan," Death on rats, and sirloin steak, Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan. 14 15 16 M W 18 M W 24 2 5 26 27 28 29 30 M W Items. Fiery hot 1$ now Sj the kow pants (Ep thunder with 11 litenmg -3 Bill cr A ft Sprauge died 1500 Q more hot ! Bill Sprauge Waz 7 a fiddler 3 hotter Bill fiddled 3 with ! Ii hiz left hand O heavy rain "ST 23 sun in apogee more cool new ^ H- keep cool V3 hot the grasshopper % ~3 CiF" ' z a burden S more hot * it Moses waz a TTJJ 5 ~ meek man 3 hot wetness tig* the 9 rackcoon iz Ql O a kuss i Sarah T Pettibone born Q 1846 $ red hot T Sarah waz kross eyed J rfc still D hotter ir 9 in the 3 X midst ov Q * life * we * are * 3 in death g O COQUETS. I hav seen men load a gun klean up to the muzzle to kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels when the gun went off, and miss the bird besides. The man who livs the life ov a toadey iz a kind ov human spit box. Yu will find plenty ov folks who are red hott to hunt tigers and wild kats, only muzzle the kussid kritters, and put them 10 or fifteen miles off. The man who haz got nothing but the truth to tell allwuss uses the fust words he kan lay hiz hands on. LAZYNESS. Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't file flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one shiffless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death is the only sure kure for shifflessnes. LAFFTER. Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who lafls at every thing. GIMBLETS. I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents on the dollar. o One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1877. I.. I.'! o> What he kant steal must be tied down, Ever reddy to caw, and to go, Thare's nothing so full ov the devil, Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow. W ii 12 13 14 15 Id M 18 VV 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 W Items, 3 Delitesum A fi weather 1? rain listen to the TIE mocking bird Q 35 $ Pete Brown ii waz discovered 5 1856* Windy *Pete waz diskovered V3 stealing chickens | more weather | now brile quails 2 19 S hooping njj 3 cough invented 1 = ? 1206 Heathens, poor benighted krit- 20 21 M more CD rauness ters, dont indulge in horse trotts, 22 T now () pay (!) yure nor law suits neither. 23 W C-tax_3 snow 4 ji_ 24 T feet deep -H- Jane ~ 25 F -i Barker * fell i^- - 26 S 1832 (QD) more tt 27 G Kkotder Jane-{ If you hav enny doubt about 28 2 9 3 31 M T W T ,sr Barker ^ fell V |3JTdown cellar (!) CD now T krak O >bnttnutt s.< the propriety ov a thing, you may be pretty certain that the doubt iz right. THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW. The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent irom enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny nests, hut lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz dam mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick. THE JA CKDA W. The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss to him az they kan git. CHIPS. The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskov- ered yet, iz to find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him. o About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around the corner. 28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878. ISHS But he grows like a weed. ' Till he iz four years old t He iz hi Iieaded, and rangey, Flat-footed, and bold. (!) Brevitys. BAUBLES. I F rtti Kold :: more 2 S so fil now thrash ^f About the hardest condishun 3 G beans j^i very ei ov life to sustain, iz one ov re 4 5 M T kolder > Betsey : Mitchell S born Q) spektable poverty. 6 W 1842 |^~ kold * 7 T continues N /Betsey 8 Q l< S Mitchell -: had -H- a J2? 3 " cork leg < Thare are folks who kant bear 10 G U kolder I still 1 to do enny thing unless thare iz a II M 5^1 now smite Q) commishun in it, if they subskribe 12 I wood oo wind west a thousand dollars for bilding a 14 16 T F S Hank Brewster :: died 1756 c~ snow N falls E Hank N church, they want 10 per cent off for cash. 17 G Brewster died a [] 000 18 10 M T /lazyness f koldoa waxes now the f The man who kant find enny 20 W hornet izhush sum thing to do, gennerally hunts with 21 22 T F more snow * whiske iz a tonick= very If grate caushun. 2^ S' kold:-now pla kards ceo 24 G it thaws $ Lazarus 25 M died poor O sighns Buty has won menny a viktory 2b i ov snow en now ^ but seldum has suckceeded in 27 28 W T renew notes:: more snowokeep calm. keeping it long. K. Kontentment \z not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be the klam. L\ Lav iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and then beat him badly. M, Milk Puntch iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed to oun it But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human uatur iz weak yu kno, and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day. N. Nonsense iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i tuv it in any shape, but az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i prefer to hav mi nonsense bill on sense. Good nonsense iz one pv the rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, and fetches a good price. SQ UIBS. Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got to run him down. The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum day before long perhaps. 31 Days. MARCH. 1878. Then he iz harnettt, and broke, A hard task indeed, And handled quite gently, To drain out his sfeed. M W 13 M 15 W 18 '9 2 3 24 25 26 27 28 29 3 M W Brevity!. y Windy !-now hunt for fg, maple sugar GO : mutch 3 H-wind O Jabez x Brown jy~ run away O 1840:- it c_rains -i Jabez O fX, run zr away with () Suzan TH, 3 Fletcter + now > the frog iJt, ty ! yells ! Jg$ (Qwindy o some 3 haste tVt makes $ ty waste ( 1 ) rain >^ t and O wind ( now = fri flfe nutcakes rtd sum * r-more wind = f Joel f Sprauge f Omarrid 1400 > wind A nor west < now T murder E kats Q more :: wind co buty rttt for / ashes < +wind *howleth:: E sow ? peas- rtit ^ more a\ wind3 > go Qt slow rth BAGATELLES. An illustrious pedigree iz a risky possesshun, the world wont kompare you with yure peers, nor with yureself, but are all the time striking a ballance between you, and yure ded grandfather A ded beat iz a natural born hipokrit, he haz kapasity enuff to make him respektable, but the devil holds a fust mortgage on it. A careless man in a family iz simply a noosance, but a sluttish woman iz wuss than a blister. I hav finally got to that point whare I aint very posative ov what other people kno, and aint at all certain ov what I kno miself. THE CENT A UR,. The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the eastward, whare the musfceeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down on hiz nek, and over hiz shoul ders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a sin gle feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shoot ing the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz -thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost Jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, and a ghost behind, lake a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to the nds ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, or two, and want to ride sumthing else. IMPS. Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its mouldy. bread, and cheeze, or loze it. Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread. 30 Days. APRIL. 1878. When he reaches six years, He iz called a full horse. And iz thought fit to trot, For a puss on the course. 3 ,JL Brrvitys. REVOLVERS. M Soft weather 2 T the dandylion fgi He who haz nothing to do in 3 W cometh c~ warm this world but to amuze himself, 4 S T F rain :: now the o robin = skreameth haz got the hardest job on hand I kno ov. 6 S > sum ' more T 7 G softness $Bill COS 8 M Baxter ^ sprained 9 T 4 hiz = ankle :: Thare iz nothing that yu and I, 10 ii 12 W T F S 1836= it rains TTJJ Venuss waz m ^ the (?) goddess i2 ovbutyN brighc < make so menny blunders about, and the world so few, az the aktual amount ov our importance. X 4 G day K $ now chuck 15 M a Sam $ Perkins> :-died 1813 25 hot the violet iz here ! ! He who works for notoriety had rather be insulted, than not be notissed at all. THE AUCKSHIONEER. The auckshioneer iz ah unfortunate individual who duz other peoples lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw az a wolf trap, and as rmitch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He fakes up the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizz- ness, but just to hav one in the naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a k s old slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz am- bishun when he haz worried a laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer and kno what i am talking about. THE OLD MAID. The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav. a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun fhemselfs. BLISTERS. Too mutch altenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do. O Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty. 31 Days. MAY. 1878. JSL '<_ Five years ov fasst work. He iz bunged up, and done, Kite: sprung^ and spavined, Hiz spirit iz gone. Q. Brevitys. COBWEBS. I W ^T Butiful May ! 2 T air soft ly g The happiest people after all, 3 F J^"now churn_JFJ are thoze who are worked the 4 S butter : rainy iS) the hardest, and fed the best. 5 G OMose Sherman ty 6 M &, born 1792 3s 7 T : wind J fitful : cos 8 W :: Mose Sherman % 9 T + waz a tinker (B> Thare iz sum men who hav so 10 F c rtti soft day 1^1 little bakbone that you kant help 1 1 12 o G now bury bean? % them, you mite as well undertake 13 14 M T W : warm 1$ rain = H- the f way f OV-H- * the transgressor f to stand an angleworm up on end, and ask him to dance a jig. 16 T iz hard o. gentle J weather O VE> now t ** > i? F the old t^t hen -H- 18 S G X kakl e t h $ If you give a beggar nine dol 20 M more ** weather* lars, at different times, and then 21 T Juno J waz $ the $ refuse him the tenth, he will sware 22 23 W T | wife ov Jupiter X! l)tt bright and r\ you have cheated him out of it. 2 4 F butiful TtJ now 2 5 S * insert *Sh corn | 'COS 26 G as, Abram North 35 27 M A killed f^ 1819 A One haff the trubbles ov this 28 T pretty day* Abram life kan be traced to saying 29 W T was stung to ** dethness bi hornets " Yes " too quick, and not saying 3i F allass ! ! allass ! ! ! " No " soon enuff. INDISKRIMINATE HINTS. I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "Readily Reckoner" at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are a kussid shame, and noosance. Hats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in three years, yu will hav rats to spare. WAIFS. Next to going barefoot, for solid cwnfort, cums an old shoe. I beleave in ghosts, only a little,*- just ennfftb keep up an assortment 30 Days. JUNE. 1878. \ ^^-^ J=1 - fcrJ ^ p8rifel luffluDMJ j| n^nfiCtf ...,fnM~ 5j 5 Now to a street kar t Staggering he goes, Receiving for fay, Only curses and blows. c~ Brevity!. FRIZZLE. s 2 G June bugs ii About all us old fellows kan do 3 M es> are here O leafy to enny advantage, iz to nuss our 4 T weather (3) John rumatizz quietly in sum corner, 5 W Bigg deceased $913 and guess, that it iz a going to 6 7 1 F = warm and wet co {g^~ John Bigg -t rain tommorow, or that it aint. 8 S j^i operated in xs CO3 9 G IIS. klams SI- hotter Military taktiks are a good thing 10 M fi\ now O the ji to file injuns with, when the it 12 14 1 W T F kokroach sum O case to fit the taktiks. 16 G M wind i now egg 003 jj T W [ hens If for f^ chickensTf wind sow bi ni sow-east rt A woman never iz more happy than when she haz four men 20 21 T F TT Vulcan | was Tf waiting on her all to once, but 22 S O a blak A smith more than one woman fussing G warmer ^ all If over a man .at the same time, 2 4 25 M T natur j^k jumps ^f ^f hot GO Sam iVi makes him feel dredphull unsartin. ?6 VV XS' Burbanks born Tf eoa 27 28 29 3 T F S G 1812 IT\ hotsum rain j^ ( Sam playd the juicegharp mutch g r o w t h y Thare iz nothing will demoral ize a man fasster, than to git into the habit ov doing hous work. TWO LETTERS. Dear Laubenhimer. I dont know who writ " Babe* in the Woods" but who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, he will buy if for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they ought to. Dear Onderdonk. Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger. They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu .want to. B UO VS. The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one living at that time. I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, is a melankolly failure. 31 Days. JULY. 1878. ^JI?^-2^, ^Yffi .^SSKJ^^BB Next to a tart, He plods, and he moans, A skeleton phantom, A mere rak ov bones. S3 4 Brevitys. WATCHWORDS. I M T Grate J" 2 T 3 warmnessj A good landlord haz no publik 3 W t^J ( now the ^i opinyun ov hiz own, when called 4 1 S- hopper grass.jgj) upon to decide between two ov 5 Z? lafleth s sum s hiz boarders, he takes them one 7 8 G M more hot T Pan waz If a shephard | CgT'more heat Tf side seperately, and tells each ov them, what a kussid phool the 9 T ^ Fred Munson s other fellow is making ov himself. ? broke his fff ii T 0)arm t 13863 cos. .. 12 b as thunder and 7 The man who iz anxious to liv 13 S 3 Htening ^ now hiz life over again, iz proberbly IS M the ram butteth ^ more ov a spekulator at heart, 16 17 T IV E2?~growing hot ? now probe* for 5 than a philosopher or a Christian. 18 T ice kream more SCO 20 F S sVi thunder 5^1 T multiplikashun table diskovered 26 F vamosed 7 1840 coo---- 27 S T hot abates Tf A "Cuss" iz a kritter who iz 28 29 3 31 G st T W Jane vamosed_^J| with T one Sam Peters J it rains f f TIJI sich iz life JJ. just a little more respektabel than a loafer, and just a little less dangerous than a renegade. THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET. The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most mizerable krit- ters ever invented. Their great value is in their skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then refuse to take either. THE VIOLET. Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far away from human eyev or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and soft things, to tell yu. UNDER GRO WTH. A "Stool Pigeon" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, that he possesses. Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a more terrible engine ov the law, than a. fresh elekted constable. 31. Days. AUGUST. 1878. fjfSI? When he kant pull a found, And won't even try, He is dropt bi his owner, And turned out to die. 3 ft Hi; vitys. SKRAPS. I T 3 Hot but dusty 2 F T Behold the rth Repentanse iz the most satis- 3 S * festiff a* faktory duty that a man can per 4 J^-muskeeter ,r form, but it wont kure the headake 5 6 T ( Sam. Carter 3 happy people in this world, but if they undertake to prove it, they *b 16 1 obituated 1865 J will lay themselfs open to sus- 17 S sum more J hotlys pishun. f Sam Carter waz | em IP M a a ded nj, beet \ 20 21 22 T W T s: sighns as. O ov thunder Xf /now lift/ t) I never knu a man who lived upon hope, but what spent hizold 2 3 F ijfc, coucumbers rt age at sumboddy else's expense. 2 4 S (D rain and $ 2-5 G O lightning O VCK 26 M " Mu shall not 27 T lie"Q much TIJ a* To bekum famous requires 28 29 30 31 VV T F S G warmth * now keep as cool 3 * OthundersO jy hark 1!! i|fe^2l THE WATER BEARER. *Now is the winter ov our diskontent? O s The Slate. A-^Krr^z^. i w ( Keep * cool * 2 T > horn \ itarch < Yung man, set down, and keep 3 F *JH it tnowt Vi still, yu will hav plenty ov chan 4 S invented^ ces yet to make a phool ov yure- 5 6 M now 1835 ,sr / iz o the / ? self before yu die. 7 T O winter O SamQ 8 W ov our Peterkin , a-;-, 9 T , diskontent * , 10 ii 12 F S G O Awn f holder x> 1 202 $ more kolder Q Jj O .Saw It iz a wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience but it iz a X 3 M now wa* good deal wizer one, who lets the *4 T W f) rake * a 3 rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. 16 T r* i +g* A l * '*<>*"*' 17 F > O in x> ice O < 18 S man \ jjfc u sigkns 19 G j} x f ] Ak ^. OK ^ 20 M T /"" "^ Q t n 010 O /"f Q kolder O Take all the phools out ov 2 I 22 W g U? tf '// a thaw '1> 27 M Bu%ba,n,k.s- 28 T tSinow % deceasedoi Allmost enny phool kan prove 29 W C I 8 I 8 3 that the bible aint true, it takes 3 V T F $ s-w-a-1-l-o-w S5V THE FISHES ' Two Perch possibly one Smelt: (!) zz The Slate. CENTER SHOTS. I 2 S G B3 f "AVi/T now , waxes a* make I would az soon think ov pull 3 M SSJ snow ax IE3F" ing the feathers out ov a peakoks 4 T falls -{ j- handles tale, az to interfere with inosent 5 6 W T < Kate | aufull > Sherman a | a koldy vanity ov a man. 7 F TIB 1 j fell more \\ TTJt 8 S Kate * * * * ao 9 G O O boldness O O 10 M * * * fell When a wize man undertakes ii T to do a kunning thing he allmost 12 w T + 1 Bumblebee^* allways makes a mizerable failure J 3 Y cellar B^"^gJ lies ov it. *4 HOW dreaming S IS 16 S G i^yirak * kotderQ ax buttnutts s^s* =; ^ = *V 17 18 M T W i Adam 5 snows S fj Brown c D '/ Q Marrid life iz a little game, in which the woman, if she iz called, 20 T kreated Q X Maw* iz allmost sure to hav a strate 21 F B 1 1400 Adam "v? flush. 22 S TOOT^ Y snow Y war ^ 2 3 G Know a J natral 1} 24 M &T pay kuss_|gj The man who knows a thing, 25 26 T W / DROPS. S Winds- > O 2 G ^"* * * now The things that i kant prove i 3 M l^Aow/t Ok tany, beleave the most, i beleave that 4 T more Q) woodchuk one apple iz sour, and another 5 6 7 8 T F S > / 3 1 840^0- what makes them so. ]O 1 1 T wind/lilt 12 w Pete V" 13 T raint fjf waz / jJ - coloured -3^"" I hav lived just long enuff to *4 F sighns @ j), he find out how little i kno, and no 16 G waz * *> i f -H man who throws away hiz faith, *7 M / v < iz ever going to be very wize. 18 T c -o -1 -o -u -r -e -d ?9 \V now barber coo 20 2 1 T F -i \ d \r\a\w t- the QjjnjjfijjJi off The smartest thing about enny 22 S ~u violet u~ man iz hiz conshicnce, he may G accounts outargy hiz reazon, or stutify hiz 24 M -*< Z i it will bite, ignoranse iz what's 8 T aw/~fl~died the matter ov him. 9 W O w^ 25 rain Q 10 T 1874 $ ~- * $ Julia eer> ii 12 E S (QQmueA I was&3 In courtship i hav allwus ad 13 IS G M T c prude | n tu e 1 1 y ig> t ft e David goose vised the oblique rather than the vertikal process, if yure mistress diskovers too mutch anxiety in 16 W slu tgg~_^J v^//J yu, she iz sure to diskover less 8 1 $. ...-Golier... .$ in herself. Expekt ** a//^ qjj 19 20 G GI, frogs est mow 01 m-o-r-e s-o-w Thare aint nothing that a man T will thrive so well on az abuse 23 W 'gardin -H- 5 -*- * that aint merited. Z 4 T . . James . . toss . . ocn __ F O O O much O O O 26 S ^ Buk a n n an s Whenever yu cum akrost a 27 28 G M ... .^cooler iz*. ... ded f T T T tch man who distrusts everyboddy, yu hav found one whom it is safe 29 30 W O ra/w life Q for everyboddy to distrust THE MUSKEETER. Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az reddy, and anxious* to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty kluss the musketoze kum to it The muskeeter haz inhabited this world since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzress doses. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing konumdrum, which all the natura. lists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs. SNOW BALLS. Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz when we feel az tho we had the most to say. o The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates. 31 Days. MAY. 1879. ^ __ Dubldts a lucky throw. G" CT The Slate. BIRDS' EGGS. I 2 f F A Soft If now Q) 9 and stik 9 It iz bad enuff to be a fust rate 3 b xay in monkey, but to be a third rate 4 jy, peas x/ i& one iz more disastrous than to be b 6 M T O badiah an idiot 7 8 W T r | a \ i \ H \ \ | *-*--*tFarnharm 9 10 ii F S G |3y soft a |^" a milleritea Thare iz no sure kure for lazy- ness, but i hav known a seckond 12 13 M T di*now <37 mild* & wife to hurry it sum. 14 W . ...1 snatch | ... C 00 I & O-H-Q -ff MI *5 16 F * 8 ilrth lettiss iS S fr ^ !*! It iz the supnzes ov life that 19 M ra' , ,2r N hit add most to our plezzures ; one 20 T > wind A Able < man iz suprized with a legacy 21 W * out Ay now from a ritch unkle, another, that 22 T H tutiful sot H the old spekled hen haz just cum 23 24 8 S ; '. weather \ \ off the nest, with 27 chickens. 25 G "tore< A CD Gen. 26 M t ^J cooler \ | w 27 T ^r~Grant >-v~ 28 W w.nrf ^~ Gamblers, nor infidels, havn't 29 T waz ^ north

'< S out ov hiz religion, but you kant 4 W * Young * out ov the color ov hiz nektye, 5 6 T F rainy 4> departed ? wind 6 1851 T or the squeeze ov hiz boots. 7 S ft Easty \ Abel fi 8 G .. . JJ-J CTb 9 M it^-^-ains 10 ii T W young - W/*<- * S O fi aged $ warm Luv between wimmin iz impossi 12 T a* 16 y now *a ble, even friendship iz only prak- 13 thunder -D- the tikabel. 14 If lam * Sampson *f 15 M ~sporteth \ waz~ IO (Q f liltning T Q) 000 I? 18 W 1 a \ strengthy ' *9 20 21 22 T F S G more > < ^?/ Oman O Judith O wetty Ferguson J cooler marrid |^~ Thare iz nothing- so skarse az originality, even an original phool would be a grate relief just now. 2 3 M P ^f? If warmth 24 T SS 1846 fi now 22 ^ 25 W wW Q ' bild 26 T ^ 8 T O hotter \t for O y W */ H ft X ra/Vw Hunting for happiness iz like T H? ice^JGjf" Bill $ hunting for hen's eggs away under 12 s twm/ O Purdy the barn, after yu hav fonnd G *, wji/A quit * them, haflf the time yu find they 14 IS M T 71). t.h.u.n.d.e.* "^ are addled. 16 W Bill > O < hottish too i? 18 T F Thare iz lots ov people in this '9 S S^~^~ l ^ e heart world who say they haint got 20 21 22 23 G M T W 8 i/ * ra/ fgt~T) ailment rt^ George !-:*I:I:*.' more S r<'* enny faith in a heaven or hell, and yet they hav got faith enuff to invest their last dollar in a 24 T \ :":* Washington lottery ticket, or a bottle ov quak 25 F VJ windy a* fit VS medisin. 26 S cooler * ' into 27 G SSS MgAtSS S . 28 M the s>^3i revolushun I kno ov men whoze word iz 29 T ^^ * * WB; * better than their bond, these are 3 U T litening * roo/ the knight errants ov honesty. THE GORRILLA. The gorrilla iz a free-bom citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or hori zontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking relashuns we hav. They- liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and tumble fite, than enny per son that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appe- tight, for one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for sum- thing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss. The end ov the gorrilla. WEIGH. The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git into things beyond hiz depth. 31 Days. AUGUST. 1879. VIRGO, JS|t% E VIRGIN ' Sweet 1 6 (sub rosa 38). 3 3 The Slate. DRIPLETS. i F *** Big Sam ? 2 S shower Loyd Mules are like sum men, after 3 G (Qhcaty TH. bon3 yu hav studdid their karakter for 4 5 6 M T W mutch n wrf X 1820 O now X if ;'.ploughman- n- and even morality, than they hav 3i G Qil rains Q common sense. QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS. Q. When iz the right time to marry ? A. Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years. Q. What iz a woman's chief joy in this world ? A. Her own or sumboddy else's baby. Q. Which iz the most diffident, and humbel krittcr aiming the animals ? A. A bobtailed kat, probberbly. Q. How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress. A. I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy the fust time. Q. What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in? A . In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git. Q. What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset watching ? A. A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon. Q. How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches ? A. Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys. Q. What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware ( ? A. To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing. Q. Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world ? A. To keep skool, and be an undertaker. Q. How do yu define experience ? A. Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by wading into it, and drowning. DOUBLETS. I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on their kapital, az the Christians hav. J Q Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, the kat, and the baby. 30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1879. LIBRA, JTHT ^ THE SKALES, For full particulars entire ov E. <5 T. Fairbanks & Co. The Slate. HOT STUfF. i 2 M T SS Cool now J3?~$ puts hero ov the ockashun, and iz 23 T | a/i^ If in | angelick, or devlish, in spite ov 24 W himself! ' 2S T 5 Vt p more y j-Vt 26 F -a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- 27 28 2 9 S G M T wet/ul - Gen.-*- 3 9 windy J Jackson // * would 1 R? sware fl Thare aint no sutch things az intenshuns, all things that we hav are diskovcryt. THE APPLE DUMPLIN. The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a man with virtew fust rate on an empty stumrauk. Giv a man four apple dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on either side, with a dose of mo rality, or even sum new kind of sope, for taking spots out ov clothes. A STATEMENT. Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nik- name, it will stik to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog. Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az their nabors. 31 Days. OCTOBER. 1879. SCORPIO, tf^pBfe^ THE SKORPION. When the pinch comes, he is thar. O The Slate. WILD FLOWERS. i 2 W T 1$ Frottly - now winde <} ask a \3 Virtew iz the only standard to 3 E fit, **ar/> B for mezzure men, or things by, it iz 4 e o Jake ") sum J^~ possible to be grate, and devlish 6 M /~ -Tanner- / -> at the same time. 7 T nu | died | s-i d-e-r 8 T wind ->< "- wax 10 F ( northy A hit Q) Thare iz only one kind ov per ii S t harp O * son who iz fit to liv in solitude, 12 G ^T If by A /r the last ones to see it in them- 21 T -~ r falling ^-r selfs, and the fust ones to see it 22 W ^ p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s Q) in others. 23 T now -H 3 2 4 F O7> g holder ft ? for 26 -3 windy o If thare ever iz a perfektly 27 M $ O chesnutts M happy person found in this 28 T BagTtfE-v-el ^3 world, it will be the one who haz 29 3 IV T F > &>W A died < got but little, and dont want enny thing more. PUN KIN PI. Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vit- tles and drink, they are joy on the hafT-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty min- nitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that day or not. And now that i hav grown up to man hood, and hav run for the legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, thare aint noth ing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than two- thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the trade mark ov our grandmothers on it ; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 years ago. REMARKS. Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz anxious to see how near they could cum to it. The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband. 30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1879. SAGITTARIUS, ^^^V* THE ARCHER. Sarehing for the Butts Eye. g i 2 W The Slate. FALLING LEAVES. S G i CVi///y i the windful H snake Lasting reputashuns are ov a 3 M ft now A seeks /a slo growth, the man who wakes 4 funicn up famus sum morning, iz very S 6 7 W T F g _/?r V3 den tS> Fred /<&r Smith $ V 3 * apt to go to bed sum night and sleep it all off. 8 S g rains ffl wai "3 9 G ft fll snowy 7 a 3 10 ii M T m $*$ Stage i> /(7// be a relief to see them do sum- thing just a little phoolish, once y G gone g alass 1 in a while. PERSONALS. %* H. J. B. If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, Barney O'Toole iz her man. B. OTOOLB. %* D. Dont menshun it ; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi. LOVER. %* SWEETNESS. Virtew iz her own cashier ; the violet iz blu ; the racoon haz a bushy tail ; man waz made tew mourn ; meet me at the pea-nut stand. HARROLD. %* SPONGKAKE. Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear ; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisfackshun. BRIDGET. %* BILL MUSTACH. Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars yu owe for? Yure wash woman mourns yure abscence. SAM FEEL. 31 Daya DECEMBER. 1879. CAPRICORNUS, ^^JSKjEl THE GOAT. A strong Suffer (I don't like strong butter). 8 [1 The Slate. FA G ENDS. i M 9 Bitter fi now 2 T k.o-l-d ',. f^. .; set The world all praze the philoso 3 W H- *'/ iji tnowt iff phers, but toss their pennys into 4 5 F t3?~" o down n _^0J e&kolder 3 $ the caps ov the monkeys. 6 S before O ncwi 7 G the *~* a oV;' cos 8 M * kitchen V? hot t 9 T stuff % T fire It iz allwus safe to follow the IO T ITU /wo>v & now ^ religious beleaf that our Mother 12 F /wa O 4f Q) krak taught us, thare never waz a 13 S * ^;^ J wallnuts more ^l read < Hy stormy f Employment iz the grate boon 20 S A|llmin|ax ov life, a man with nothing to do, 2T G Q now it thaws iz not haff so interesting, az a 22 2 3 T sing If holder sii s Vi A psalms f now ripening turnip. 24 W ^ jcw TIE Eat ? 25 26 T F 3 S S 3 pork 27 S 3 scriptions of men and places, biogra phical bits that delight one by thei variety, and the distinction of those alluded to. From a literary view it is as interesting as Disraeli's famous "Curiosities of Liter ature."--/^*/^ delpkia Item. "If any more charming and Inter esting book has appeared this season, it has not come to our notice. The get-up is worthy of the matter of the book." Philadelphia Evening Ttie- I It is a handsome octavo volume, 5^ x 8 inches, of 620 pages, with nearly ico half-tone portrait illustrations. Beautifully bound in English silk cloth, with gold stamp on side, gilt top, At ail Bookstores. $3.50. THE VOYAGE OF ITHOBAL BT SIR EDWIN ARNOLD Ithobal was the first African explorer we know about. He was a sea captain of Tyre, who rescued and married an African Princess, and then induced the King of Egypt to put him in charge of a voyage of exploration of the wonderful land of his wife's birth. After a voyage of fifteen thousand miles around Africa, he returns after numerous and exciting ad ventures, which bring out almost every feature of African life and scenery. Ithobal relates the story of his enterprise in a discourse of seven days before the throne of Pharaoh, who crowns him with honors. SIR HENRY M. STANLEY, in a letter to the author, says of it: "You have added greatly to the happiness of many of your race by the production of so unique a poem, so rich in the beauties of the sweet English language." Other able critics who have read the blind poet's new epic poem unite in calling it even better than the old favorite, ** The Light of Asia." I2mo, Goth, GOi Top. Illustrated from 36 drawings Arthur Lumley. $1.50 EQUAL PAETtfEBS. By Howard Fielding, By HOWARD FIELDING. "This is a thoroughly enjoyable de tective story, written in good, crisp style, and with a decided surprise in the last pages. It is adroitly contrived that almost every character in the book shall be suspected of the crime of attempted murder before the actual culprit is discovered. The characters are excellently differentiated, and the story is vastly diverting, nor are there any repulsive features about the book. It is a stirring tale and will enliven a dull evening successfully." Chicago Tribune. Illustrated. Cloth bound. $1.25 DORIS KINGSLEY, Child and Colonist. By EMMA RAYNER, author of "Free to Serve," "In Castle and Colony," etc. This story of the South in the first half of the eighteenth century, opens with one of the strangest episodes in the early history of South Carolina the pursuit and cap ture by the Governor of Carolina of a pirate vessel, full, not of treasure, but of English men and women; and the selling of those same unfortunate voyagers as bond servants in the colony. Doris Kingsley, a child stolen from the streets of London, is the youngest of the party, and is the heroine of the story. Doris Kingsley is a novel of absorbing interest, dramatic and historically true. Illustrated. Cloth bound. $1.50 OLD JED PEOUTY ( A Narrative of the Penobscot), By RICHARD GOLDEN and MARY C. FRANCIS. In "Old Jed Prouty" the reading public is presented with a New England character story of unusual interest and merit. The plot, al though not an involved one, hides enough mystery to lend the spice of the unknown to the reader's zest, and the simple and natural denouement emphasizes the high moral ethics of the story, and throws into strong relief the deep human senti ments that dominate the tale. Standing out above all, in fusing into the fiber of every chapter the rugged sincerity, the homely wit and the quaint philosophy of New England, is the central character about which the pivot of the story turns, "Old Jed Prouty," real in name and real in goodness, who at the time of his life, some thirty years since, was a land mark in the Valley of the Penobscot. Cloth beund. . $1.50 A MASTER OF FORTUNE, being Further Adventures of "Captain Kettle." By CUTCLIFFE HYNE. "It has the dash and tinge of reality that makes you feel as if you were in the midst of it all." Detroit Fr