In Cap ai Three Centuries of Cambridge Wit !il||lllilll|l||ll|!|lll!|lll|liHlilillllllllllTTTTffi k^3i Jlani^^ j|.iHatbwmt TO^ifeTTT iiiiilii ^..:^ ^l,^r IN CAP AND GOWN IN CAP AND GOWN THREE CENTURIES OF CAMBRIDGE WIT EDITED WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY CHARLES WHIBLEY SOMETIME SCHOLAK OK JESUS COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE LONDON KEGAN PAUL, TRKNCII & CO., i, PATERNOSTER SQUARE 18S9 ('/'/; rights 0/ translation and 0/ reproduction arc rcscn'cd.') LF PREFACE. It is my pleasant duty to express my sincere acknowledg- ments to all those who have kindly allowed me to reprint their pieces in the present volume. My warmest thanks are also due to the Rev. H. R. Luard, who permitted me to consult documents preserved in the University Registry ; to Mr. R. Bowes, of whose collection of books and pamphlets printed in Cambridge I have made con- siderable use ; and, above all, to Mr. J. W. Clark, who, with that generosit)' which he extends to all who are interested in the history and antiquities of Cambridge, not only ])la(ed at my disposal his unrivalled collection of leaflets and pam])hlets relating to the University, but al>o read the proofs of the wliole volume, and made many valuable suggestions. To Canon Wordsworth's works on the University of Cambritlge I am indebted for much intbrmalicjn. I may add that I hope at some future date to publish a volume dealing in a similar way with the Universil}- ot Oxford. c;. w. CONTENTS PAGE Introduction ... ... ... ... ... ... xiii On the University Carrier ... ... ... i On the Fall of the Mitre Tavern in Cambridge ... 4 The Towns.men's Petition of Cambridge ... ... 7 On the University of Cambridge's burning the Duke of Monmouth's Picture, 1685, who was formerly THEIR Chancellor... ... ... ... ... 12 Epigram ... ... ... ... ... ... 15 "Angustam amice Pauperiem Pati " ... ... ... 16 Upon Dr. Bentley, Master of Trinity College, Cam- bridge... ... ... ... ... ... 18 The Cantab ... ... ... ... ... ... 20 .Sparrows .Self-domesticated in Trinity College, Cam- bridge .. ... ... ... ... ... 21 Newton's Pkincipia ... ... ... ... ... 23 On the Masters of Clare Hall and Caius (or Keys) CoLLE(.E ... ... ... ... ... 24 .\ Dialogue in the Senate House at Cambridge ... 25 On iaklm; a IJachelok's I)kgki;i-, ... ... 31 ()N an I-;a(;le confined in a College ('dL'ki ... . 34 The I'RLiiY I!ar-klei'Er uv iiie Mure ... ... -56 viii CONTENTS. PAGE The Happiness ok a Good Assurance ... ... ... 39 The Lounger ... ... ... ... ... 42 Epigram on Dr. Ogden ... ... .. ... 44 Satire upon the Heads ; or, never a Barrel the Better Herring ... ... ... ... 46 Souaring the Circle ... .. ... ... ... 48 The Barber ... ... ... ... ... 49 Dr. Jowett's Garden ... ... ... ... ... 54 Anonymous Verses against Dr. Parr ... ... 55 Kpitaph ... ... ... ... ... ... 56 To Dr. Kipling ... ... ... ... ... 57 The Gr.R.MAN Professors ... ... ... ... 58 The Germans in Greek ... ... ... ... 59 Imitation of Horace ... ... ... ... ... 60 i.mitatkin of horace ... ... ... ... 62 Imitation of Horace ... ... ... ... ... 65 IIy.mn to the Creator .. ... ... ... 68 On the Popular Play of Pizarro ... .> ... 74 On Dr. Douglas' Marriage with Miss Mainwaring 76 Tin: Riv.M, ISisnops ... ... ... ... ... 78 On .Spray ... ... ... ... ... ... 79 Hell's Holiday ... ... ... ... ... 80 " Lai.'gh and i;e P'at " ... ... ... ... 82 The Ca.mi!Ridge Co.m.mencement ... ... ... 84 One Hundred Guineas Reward ... ... ... 86 Maps ... ... ... ... ... ... ... S7 "To the Sciioi.i.KKs of .Sainct John his College" 88 Ode on a College Feast-day .. ... ... ... 89 A PAfCHANAI.IAN .SON(; ... ... ... ... 92 On 1;. D. Clarke ... ... ... ... ... 94 IjKiKAM ... ... ... ... .. ... r)8 The .'^ocIETY of Ma-ihematicians ... ... ... 99 Dedication ... ... ... ... ... J02 CONTENTS. ix I'AGE JoHNiAN Melodies ... ... ... ... ... 104 Thoughts suggested by a College Examination ... 105 The Sizar's Table ... ... ... ..- ... 108 A Letter from M V , of Trinity College, to a Friend at Oxford ... ... ... ... no Hock versus Falernian ... ... ... ... 113 The Collegian and the Porter ... ... ... 114 Ca.mbridge University ... ... ... ... 118 The Country Clergyman's Trii> to Cambridge ... 120 TiMiiucTOO ... ... ... ... ... .. 124 The Proctor ... ... ... ... ... 127 Ax Elegy ... ... ... ... ... ... 130 Modern .Songs. No. 5 ... ... ... .. 132 The Friend of Veracity versus the Lie-Grinder ... 135 Thou(;hts suggested by the New Caius Gown ... 139 The Snouiau, or Town and Gown Row in Ca.mbridge 142 X'ice-Chancf.llor v. Mayor ... ... ... 147 XUGAE BaKI L0\'IANAE ... ... ... ... ... I49 TiiK RArF. oi' niF, Whisker ... ... ... 154 1-2x1 raorim.xarv Astronomical Discoverv ... ... 158 I'ROSI'ECTUS of the SoCII'.TV IOR IHE TRANSL.VriO.X OF Camiikidge Mai HFMA'nrAL Rooks into Ln'iei.i.i(;ible r".N(;i.isn ... ... ... ... .. ... 161 Saiukijay I'A'fxixi; ... ... ... ... 165 .\ (VFUv) Free iMn.vnox oi- ww. I-'iRsr Eclogue of V erg 1 1. ... ... ... ... ... ... 169 < Hakaci Kk-, (IF l'RFsiF\n:N ... ... ... ... 175 The VihioN ui' Si'. Rr.ahami's ... ... ... ... 1S9 'I'hf Trixiiv Jaxus ... ... ... ... 193 .\ I )KF|-.( TAin.E r..\LI,.\I) f)F T 1 1 F JrilGF AXl) 'I U F .MASTFK I95 (l\ "TlIF I'l.IJKAFITV OI- Woi'.Flis" I;V I)K. Wlll'.WFFF HjS Tim: FiGur oi- -inr, (.'KFsri.;\-i' ... ... ... ... 199 Tkiniin' Colm:gf (;o.\i.\n';Moi;A ikix ... ... ... 205 X CONTENTS. PAGE The Right Divine ... ... ... ... ... 207 Whom do you vote for? ... ... ... ... 209 The Rival Candidates ... ... ... ... 210 The Election of the Chancellor ... ... 211 Principle and Practice ... ... ... ... 213 University of Cambridge ... ,.. ... ... 214 Sporting Intelligence University Sweepstakes, Cam- bridge ... ... ... ... ... ... 216 A Fragment touching the Lyceum ... ... 218 Mr. Jeames's Sentiments on the Cambridge Election 221 The Cambridge Address to Prince Albert ... 225 The New Triposes ... ... ... ... ... 228 A Boating Song ... ... ... ... ... 230 On hearing the Bells ring for the New Provost of King's, Dr. Okes ... ... ... ... ... 232 The Two Voices ... ... ... ... ... 233 Epigram ... ... ... ... ... ... 237 The Summer Assizes of 1850 ... ... ... 238 A Paradox ... ... ... ... ... ... 239 The Useless Don ... ... ... ... ... 240 The Death-Warrant ... ... ... ... ... 241 Valedictory Address to the Dean ... ... 242 Rigid Body Sings ... ... ... ... ... 245 The Rape of the Lock ... ... ... ... 246 The Death of the Caput ... ... ... ... 249 The University Boat-Race ... ... ... 251 Ye most Pleasaunte Dreame of Coelebs, ye Cambrydge Fellowe A Satire ... Trinity Boat-Song ... ... ... ... ... 262 Advertisements ... ... ... ... ... 264 The Cambridge Dionysia ... ... ... ... 267 The Laureate's Bust at Trinity ... ... ... 282 253 257 CONTENTS. xi PAGE The Cambridge University Boat of iS6o ... ... 285 Ye Cruelle Coxvvayne ... ... ... ... 2S9 Hic ViR, Hic est ... ... ... ... ... 291 The Tatler in Cambridge ... ... ... 295 The Tatler in Cambridge ... ... ... ... 300 The Tatler in Cambridge ... ... ... 305 OcTorus ... ... ... ... .. ... 310 The Heathen Pass-ee ... ... ... ... 312 The Vulture and the Husbandman ... ... ... 316 Things not generally known ... ... ... 320 Episode ... ... ... ... ... ... 321 In Me.moriam ... ... ... ... ... 323 The Battle of the Pons Trium Trojanorum ... ... 326 A Ballad of Bothers ... ... ... ... 333 Ten Triolets ... ... ... ... ... ... 335 A very Dolorous Ballade of Cambridge ... ... 339 A Girtonian Funeral ... ... .. ... ... 341 The Pof.ts at Tea... ... ... .. ... 344 Index ... ... ... ... .. ... ... 349 INTRODUCTION. There is much to encourage the production of ephemeral Hterature in Oxford and Cambridge. Each University is the home of a large number of men of literary tendencies, to whom everything that happens within the limits of their Alma Mater is of the utmost importance. The thousand incidents of college life, the eccentricities of dons, the political struggles of the Senate House, all afford themes of interest to the University light horseman, and much prose and verse is the result. As there is no lack of material, so there is no lack of energy. Youth is the age of literary experiment, and a large number of those whose names have in later years become famous have won their spurs in the field of litera- ture as undergraduates. It has, besides, been the practice of many a learned don to devote his leisure to castigating the follies of his contemporaries in satiric verse. Unfjrtu- natel}', however, either from a pride in his learning, or in the belief that satire gains in point from being written in a dead language, he has loo often hidden away his thoughts in Latin or (Ireek. I!ul, haii])ily, Ihiglish has not always been despised, niid even bishops and profess(jrs h:ive con- descended to write in their own tongue, and sometimes with admirable effect. xiv INTRODUCTION. The present volume consists of pieces relating to the University of Cambridge, or written by members of that University. They have been collected from various sources, which need not here be specially recorded. Many are now printed for the first time from manuscripts preserved in the University Registry or in the hands of ])rivate indi- viduals ; others are reprinted from rare pamphlets, which have long since been forgotten ; some few are taken from the " Cambridge Tart " and " Facetiae Cantabrigienses," publications of small merit, which had a certain vogue in the early decades of the present century. The numerous University periodicals of which more presently Punch, and several other London journals, have been laid under contribution ; while not a little that is interesting has been selected from the biographies, as well as from the collected works, of many Cambridge men. The journalistic fever seems to have laid hold upon Cam- bridge at a very early period. From the year 1750 until the present time there is an uninterrupted series of University magazines. With few exceptions they have been short-lived. The energy which called them into existence has soon evaporated. Perhaps a financial crisis has intervened ; or their conductors have taken their degrees and entered upon more serious pursuits. Some have languished for a term or two, while of others only a solitary number has appeared. Many of them, it must be acknowledged, are depressing reading. Priggishness and ineptitude gene- rally predominate over hilarity and humour; and only here and there does some bright parody or happy satire relieve the gloom. That rare little volume, called The Snob, which fetches fabulous prices wherever it is met with, is, for example, more curious than entertaining. Yet, although its wit is forced and feeble, one lingers over it with interest, for INTRODUCTION. xv it contains what is probably Thackeray's first attempt at Hterary expression. This boyish production of the great novehst is a parody of a prize poem, entitled " Timbuctoo," which subject, grotesque enough in itself, was actually given out by the adjudicators of the Chancellor's English Medal, in 1829. As every one knows, the prize was carried off by Alfred Tennyson, whose serious effort has been lost in oblivion, while Thackeray's good-natured burlesque is still remembered. Twenty years after the appearance of The Snob, Thackeray published in " Pendennis " a fragment of another parody of a prize poem. This gibe of his later years is far more spirited than "Timbuctoo," and keeps far closer to the model of undergraduate heroic verse. The novelist, it will be remembered, gives an account of a volume of old Oxbridge tracts, prize poems, and declamations, and having described Jack's " despair and Byronic misanthropy," and Tom's " defence of suicide and republicanism generally," goes on : " Here is Bob, of the Circuit, who has made a fortune in Railroad Committees, bellowing out with Tancred and Codi'rey, ' On to the breach, ye soldiers of the cross. Scale the red wall and swim the choking foss. Ye daunt- less archers, twang your cross-bows well; On, bill and battle- axe and mangonel ! Ply battering-ram and hurtling catapult, Jerusalem is ours, id Dciis viilt^ After which comes a mellitluous description of the gardens of Sliaron and the maids of Salem, and a prophecy that roses shall deck the entire country of Syria, and a sjjcody reign of peace be establi^hed all in undenia!)]y (le(;as\llabic lines, and the ([ueerest ajjiiig (jf sense and seiUiment ;jnd poetry." Bui t(j return to our L'))i\ersily periodicals. Close on the lieels ui 'Jlu: Siioh came T/ic (ii>:c)is.niaii , in the (onduct ol whi( h al:i0 'I'liaekeray Jiad a share, l! is nut iiujre exhilaniling than I'he Siioi>, and coiUains little but may l)e tori^oUen williout care a)id wilhuul regret. Tht journals (jf // xvi INTRODUCTION. the next ten years may be passed over in silence. Indeed, it is not until 1839, when The Cambridge Ujiiversity Magazine was pubUshed, that we find a print that is worthy of con- sideration, G. Brimley, C. B. Wilcox, and W. M. W. Call were among the contributors to this magazine, and in it were published the " Characters of Freshmen," which are reprinted in the present volume. " The Oxford and Cambridge Magazifie. Conducted by Members of the Tiuo Universities,^'' which was published in 1856, was in some respects a memorable venture. It did not reflect the tone of the University so much as embody the tenets of a particular literary school, and we are there- fore not immediately concerned with it. We cannot, how- ever, leave it without a word, for Mr. William Morris was its editor, and among those who wrote in its pages were Messrs. Burne- Jones and D. G. Rossetti. Of a very different character was Tlie Lio?i University Magazine, which appeared two years later. It was edited by H. R. Haweis, of Trinity College, and in spite of its modest outside its tone was almost as pretentious as its title. In fact, it was, as its editor frankly confesses, "a preposter- ous serial;" yet, in calling forth The Bear and the inimit- able Cambridge Dionysia, both from the pen of (i. O. Trevelyan, it more than justified its existence. During tlie last thirty years journalistic energy has seldom flagged at Cambridge. Nearly every one has liad its serial. They have not all displayed wit of the highest order, but there are two among them which merit almost unqualified praise. The Tatlcr in Cambridge contained an excellent collection of essays, while a more brilliant series of jetix d'esprit has rarely appeared than those which we can still enjoy in The Light Green. What Cambridge man is ignorant of " The Heathen Pass-ce "' ? \\'\\o does not know " The Vulture and the Husbandman " ? INTRODUCTION. xvii Many of the most amusing contributions to the University magazines are either imitations of the classics or parodies of modern writers. The authors of the earhest journals framed themselves on Addison and Steele. Tlie Student (1750-1), The Reformer (1776), and The Ga/Z'anist {1S04) contain much that is but a far-off echo of The Spectator or The Tatler. The poet most popular with parodists of this l)eriod was Gray, whose " Elegy" and whose "Bard" were distorted and perverted to innumerable uses. A typical parody of the latter will be found in Erskine's "Ode to the College Barber," which, however, was published in a London, not a Cambridge, journal. In more modern times, Lord Macaulay shares the honour with Tennyson and Swinburne of having provided the poets of Cambridge with the greatest amount of material for their burlesques. Of the " Lay of Horatius " parody after parody has appeared. Tom Taylor's spirited "Light of the Crescent" and Mr. Bowling's "Battle of the Pons Trium Trojanorum" are perhaps the best. Of the learned dons wlio have beguiled their leisure by writing satiric verse, the most distinguished are Porson, Mansel, and Sliilleto. For many years before his death, which took place in 180S, Porson, who was Professor of Creek at (Cambridge, enjoyed a uni(|ue reputation as a saver and writer of good things. And, as was and is inevi- table, c(juntless re])arlees and epigrams were fathered upon him of whicli he was entirely guiltless. At this distance of time it is a difficult matter to determine which of the Porsoniain are real, es])e(ially ;is the author of " The Se\a gen;irian,'' and Mr. liarker, of Thetlord, who made it their business t(; collect them, ha\e been incredibly loose and inexact in their ascription. A considerable number of pcjeuis, however, ha\e been generally acknowledged lo be hi-,, and of these the inajcjrity are reprinted in the present xviii INTRODUCTION. volume. A series of imitations of Horace by him were published in The Mornmg Chronicle, to which, says the author of " The Pursuits of Literature," Porson " gave up what he owed to the world." At the end of the last century and the beginning of the present, the pen of William Lort Mansel, afterwards Master of Trinity and Bishop of Bristol, was the terror of Cambridge. Though he was Public Orator of the University, the holder of a rich living, and a Doctor of Divinity, he lampooned everybody, high or low, and that in such scurrilous and indecent fashion, that he was obliged, for the most part, to clothe his effusions in the decent obscurity of a learned language, and, like Sir Benjamin Backbite, " to circulate them in manuscript among the friends of the parties." He was well described by a contemporary as " The Churchman's shame, the Scholar's scorn, Lampoon and epigram in lawn." jNIany of his verses have been handed down in manuscript, and may still be recovered, but the most of them are unfit for modern print. Richard Shilleto, perhaps the greatest Greek scholar of the century, belongs to a later age than Porson or ]Mansel. Yet in some ways he may be regarded as the representative of a class of dons long since extinct. For many years it was his habit to throw off short poems in English, Latin, or Greek on wliatever was happening in Cambridge. A large number of these epigrams he sent to the Registrary, accompanying many of them with a characteristic letter. Fortunately tlicy have been pre- served in the Registry, where they remain to testify to the wit and humour, as well as to the calligrapliy, of their author. Of his handwriting, in fact, Shilleto was i)articularly proud, and in that respect, as well as in scholarship, he could justly lay claim to rival Porson. He possessed an unrivalled INTRODUCTION. xix mastery over Greek, and his most brilliant productions are, no doubt, imitations of Aristophanes. At the same time, many epigrams, and his epitaph "In Memoriam Roberti Bendall, Tonsorum Ultimi," are sufficient evidence of the felicity of his English style. The staff of Punch has often been recruited from Cam- bridge. The consequence is, that in the pages of that periodical are to be found many pieces of peculiar interest to Cambridge men. It was in Punch that Tom Taylor published his " Fight of the Crescent," as well as that admirable parody of Tennyson, "The Laureate's Bust;" while in the same journal are to be found Thackeray's "Sentiments on the Cambridge Election" and his " Address to Prince Albert." The prevailing characteristic of all these is their shoppi- ness. With few exceptions, their interest is purely local. But this by no means detracts from their value. Taken together, they throw a Hood of light on the history of the University during the last two centuries. Scarcely a single great movement has taken place without suggesting a jocular ballad to an undergraduate or a junior don. The eccentri- cities of few have escaped tlie satiric eye. If a contest takes place between dean and students on the chapel ques- tion, or between \Vhigs and Tories at an election, it is in a cojjy of verses that the memory of the struggle is perpetuated. Similarly, when the introduction of the natural and moral sciences into the university curriculum, tlie celibacy of fellows, or the education of women, liave been endlessly discussed in speeclics or reviews, and finally voted u])ou in the Senate House, a contemporary jjarody remains our hesl rec:ort teriu, are told to ihe lre>lmicn of l(j-day as entirely modern, 'i'here is one app(xsite xxii INTRODUCTION. illustration of the recurrence of University myths which may be quoted here. For some years a story has been told of a certain don, to the effect that, coming home from dinner one night, he fell into the " run " in Trumpington Street. A passer-by hastened to help him on to his feet again, where- upon he declined the proffered aid on the ground that he could swim. A precisely similar occurrence is said to have taken place in 1794 (Gunning's "Reminiscences," i. 320). In those days it need scarcely be said the " run " was not in existence. But along the Iront of Pembroke College, between that building and the site now occupied by the Pitt Press, ran a watercourse, w-hich divided the street into two very unequal parts. The sides of the channel were boarded, and it was crossed by two very narrow bridges. " It was reported of a senior wrangler" so Gunning tells the tale " who became afterwards one of our most distinguished Chancery lawyers, that, in crossing the bridge to sup with a friend on the evening of taking his degree, he fell into the stream, and would not suffer the passers-by to pull him out, as 'he could swim.' He always pleaded guilty to the charge of falling in, but stoutly denied he had ever thought it necessary to swim in order to extricate himself" The perpetuity of anecdotes is remarkable enough ; yet no less remarkable is the uniformity of the types of undergraduates. The " rowing " man who, by the way, has nothing to do with the river is still in existence, though he has changed his name to "rowdy." Another type, the "lounger," is thus sketched in The Stnde/it (\)nh- lished 1750): "In every college there is a set of idle persons called Loungers, whose whole business it is to fly from the painful task of thinking. These are ready to catch at every young fellow at his first admission, and imperceptibly teach him to saunter away his time in the same idle, spiritless manner with themselves. Whomsoever INTRODUCTION. xxiii these Remoras of a college adhere to, they instantly benumb to all sense of reputation or desire of learning." In The Spectator (^o. 54), the " loungers " are said to be "a sect of philosophers," and the following are quoted as some of their maxims : "The fundamental maxim, upon which their whole system is built, is this, viz. That Time being an implacable enemy to and destroyer of all things, ought to be paid in his own coin, and be destroyed and murdered without mercy, by all the ways that can be invented. Another favourite saying of theirs is, That business was designed only for knaves, and study for blockheads. A third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has a great effect upon their lives; and is this, That the devil is at home." The class of " loungers " thus described is just as familiar to us, though under anotlier name, as it was to The Spectator- and to Christopher Smart. The modern fritterer differs in some respects from his prototype. He strums the piano, while his predecessor " blew a tune on his flute." His predecessor amused himself by reading " plays," or the novels of Aphra Pjchn, while I^e contents himself with inferior translations from the french. The old-fashioned lounger " toped all the night, as he trifled all day;" the modern lounger is ' Ksllietic," and discusses sonatas over cups of tea. With these differences, the lounger is still among us and distinctly recognizable. There is yet another type to be described, and tiiat is the ul'ira-fLvangelical. For many years, in the (lays of " T and \\ " " Tea and ISible," the name given to the f>vangeliral meetings by the 0[)ponents of llie movement he was known as a Simeonite, or "Sim ;" now he is railed a ' I'i-man." He has changed liis name; but his (haracter endures f(jr ever. .\ similar incorruptibility is a ([uality in Uni\ersity slang, 'ilie "(iradus ad Cantabrigiam " might still he found of f ()n^i(iera]>le service t(j the undergraduate, allliou^li it w:is xxiv INTRODUCTION. published as long ago as 1803. A writer in The Gentleman^ s Magazine for 1794 complains of the prevalence of slang in Cambridge. Then, as now, the undergraduate " sported his oak," "kept his terms," or "cut his lecture." Other points of similarity are to be noted. As far back as our records extend, proctors and dons are considered the natural enemies of undergraduates. Thomas Randolph's "Fall of the Mitre Tavern," which was written in 1633, the year before the author died, concludes with a reference to " bugbear Proctors," and who shall say that their tradi- tion has suffered change ? Another feud, that between " town " and " gown," seems to be almost as old as Cam- bridge itself, and it has given rise to many a well-fought fight and many a stirring ballad. Of late years, how- ever, the common sense of both parties has almost extin- guished it. The result of this conservatism of type and slang is that in some respects our Cambridge poems seldom seem quite out of date. In nearly every case they present some picture or refer to some circumstance with which we of the nine- teenth century are more or less in touch. The various colleges in Cambridge, no less than the undergraduates of which they are composed, have always had distinct characteristics of their own. Some have retained tliem generation after generation, while others have at different times assumed different characters. A fine sense of dignity has always pervaded the " tufts " of Trinity. At every period of their history tliey have been conscious, and no doubt justly so, of their supremacy in the University world. Nor is evidence of this proud consciousness lacking. " Yet weep not, Caius men, in your lowly den ; Well may ye envy Trinity her men,"' ^vrites the autlior of the "New Caius Gown" in 1835. In INTRODUCTION. xxv the "Extraordinary Mathematical Discovery" (1838) a still more arrogant tone is adopted. The author of that leaflet speaks of the " many small planetary bodies which revolve at various distances round the glorious and brilliant sun of Trinity College, and which are commonly known by the name of minor establishments or smaller colleges." In recent years the small colleges have done much to assert themselves, and Trinity can scarcely lay claim to-day to the uni(|ue position which it once occupied. For some reason or other St. John's has never been popular in the University world. The members of other colleges have set forth their opinion of it in no measured terms. Such expressions as"Johnian Sty," and " Johnian Hogs," are the commonplaces of University poets. This is the more strange, because one of the most familiar refer- ences to the "Johnian" in English literature is in the kindly verse of I'raed : " Sit in tlie \'icar"s seat : you'll licar The (luctrinc of a ijcntlc pjhnian, ^V]l0.sc iiand i> white, \\lii).--c tone is clear, Whose phrase is very Ciceronian." This passage, liowcver, can scarcely be taken as an apotheosis of the Jolmians generally. It is probable that i'raed had in his mind one member of St. John's, whose manners were gentle and speech refined, or was a slave to the exigencies of his rhyme. ( )n the other hand, we could bring forward quotation after quotation to ])rove that the johnians have been known as iXx'c ;:^n'x porconi)ii, "the herd ot swine," from time immemorial, 'j'heir college is con- ^tantl_\- termed "the sty," the bimds of veKet whi( h dis- 1 iiiL:tii~,li iheir gownare kiKAvn as '" cra( kling,"' while a piece ot LToMud between Trinity and St. J(;hirshas been called the ' l-thmtis of Sties." The origin of ihe.^e taunts is wrapt in XXVI INTRODUCTION. mystery, and though several explanations have been offered none can be regarded as entirely satisfactory. *' The Johnian Hogs," says a writer in the Gcntlcmaii s Magazitie for 1796, "were remarkable on account of the squalid figures and low habits of the students, and especially the sizars, of St. John's College." Another authority in the same magazine indignantly rejects this suggestion. " Your Cantab oracle," he says, " is tofo coelo mistaken as to the appellation of 'Johnian Hogs;' his interpretation is, on the face of it, improbable. It arose from the squalid figures of the students, says he ! Lo ! on the contrary, it is proverbial to be as fat as a hog. Forty years ago I was a scholar of St. John's. A clergyman, who had thirty years before that time been a fellow of that college, told me the real story, which is ridiculous. A gateway opens into a bye- road between that college and Trinity Chapel, that leads to St. John's walks ; and in the corner of the first court, facing the entrance to the chapel, is a passage leading out to that bye-road. A young wag of that college saw a countryman driving a sow and young pigs to market ; the youth suddenly seized a little pig, whipt it under his gown, ran down the bye-road, turned into the passage, and went up to his chamber, where his chum was then at study. The countryman pursued, and saw the youth enter the passage, but, having lost him there, went through it into the outer court of the college. The wag saw him gaping and gazing in great amazement ; then opening his window, held up the pig, and, pinching one ear, made it squeak. Clodpate immediately made an outcry ; the servants of the college assembled about him, and undertook to show him the room ; but the youth muffled up the pig, ran up to the top of the stairs, and, getting out upon the leads between the roof and parapet wall, proceeded along quite round to the bell-turret, and there observed the countryman's INTR OD UCTION. xxvii motions. Clodpate in the interim entered the chamber, but there found only the chum at his books. ' Where,' says he, ' is the other young man with my pig ? ' ' A\'hat pig.^' says the student. 'There is no other person here but myself.' The chamber was strictly searched, but quite in vain. Clodpate in despair returned down into the court. The wag, seeing this, went back to his chamber, exhibiting the pig once more at the window, and then eloped as before ; while hue-and-cry was again made, but still in vain. At length the wag, espying Clodpate proceeding to the master's lodge, descended the bell-turret, went out at the gate, dropped down the pig unperceived, and retired quite unconcerned into the Johnian coffee-house in the opposite churchyard. Presently the pig was heard squeaking about the street. But the college was ever afterwards denominated the Circaean stye" {Gentleman's Magazine, vol. Ixv. p. 107). This is somewhat far-fetched, and perhaps, after all, the Johnians were only called " Hogs " because they were fond of good living. \Ve know that in Praed's times there were "gourmands" at St. John's. " And yet you think I'm growing thinner ; \'(Hi'(l stare to see nie eat my dinner ! ^'|)U know tiial I was lield by all The greate:it e[)icure in Hall, And that the voice of (jranta's sons Style' 1 nie the gourmand of St. John's." And the Jolmians (jf to-day do not disguise tlie pride which they take in tlic excellence of their " Hall." Cains has always been known as a place of good eat- ing. Innumerable passages might be (iiioled in siip[)ori of this assertion, but we will c(;ntent ourselves with one or two. Christopher Smart, writing in 1750, speaks of ''The lon^ uf culinary Kay.^ Sniol.inL' from the eternal treat : " xxviii INTRODUCTION. while in 1838 the author of the "New Cains Gown" asks : "Know ye the college where men never sliine In aughl but in (quaffing the juice of tlie vine ? " Magdalene has undergone a strange revolution. At the end of the eighteenth century it was full of Simeonites, and was given over to prayer-meetings and other evan- gelical pursuits. Its members, however, have by this time succeeded in living down that reputation. And so it is with the other colleges ; but the examples we have quoted are enough to illustrate the fact that each institution has a corporate life and character of its own. This brings us to another point of no little interest and some obscurity. It is a well-known fact that savage men believe that there is a close kinsliip between themselves and the lower animals. Many tribes, in fact, " regard themselves as being descended from kangaroos, cockatoos, emus, pelicans, and other animals." A similar belief seems to have existed at Cambridge in what we may term its savage period. At any rate, there are distinct traces of a survival of it to-day. Trinity men were once known as "bull-dogs," Johnians as "hogs," while the memljers of Clare, St. Catharine's, and Sidney were called "greyhounds," " doves," and " owls," respectively. It must be admitted that Cambridge is gradually outgrowing the condition of totemism. With one exception these tribal names have disappeared. The members of St. Jolm's College are still called ' hogs," but commonplace appellations liave now replaced "bull-dogs," "greyhounds," and the rest. It is as difficult to discover the origin of these names as it is to explain totemisin itself. A philological explanation, wliich would no doubt commend itself to the su])porters of the tlicory that "mytliology is a disease of language," INTRODUCTION. xxix but which we reject as trivial, has been suggested for the "doves" of St. Catharine's. It is said that the members of St. Catharine's Hall were first of all called " Puritans," from the derivation of the name of their patroness from KaOaipeLv. The dove being the emblem of purity, to change a name from "Puritans" to "doves" was but one short stej). We have arranged our reprints in order of dates. Any- one who reads them consecutively will find the history of the University referred to with tolerable completeness. IN CAP AND GOWN, ON THE UNIVERSITY CARRIER, Who sickexed ix the Time of his Vacaxcy, beixg forbid TO GO TO LOXDOX, BY REASON OF THE TlAGUE. Thomas Hobson, the carrier, to 'whoiii Alil/oti^s tuid the yard and stables extended for some distance to the -west over the site of the present chapel. Of the sei.'cral extant portraits of him, one by John Payne represents him holding a money-bag, and has this inscription : " Lauyli not to s(;e so ])Iriine a man in jirint ; 'I'lie Shadow's lionicly, yet thcr's sonicthinc; in't. Witncs the I!af,'t; he wears, {thou<:;li seeming poorc) ']"he fertile Mother of a thousand more ; He was a thrivini; man, tliroutjh lawful! Gain, And wealthv <^'rew by warrnntrd)le paine. Tlu-n lauj^h at them that spend, not them that j^atlier. Like tliriveinLj Sonncs of >uch a thrifty Fatlier.' Milton, i.'ho 7. 'US admitted to Chrixt's College in 1625, spent a good many yciirs at Cambridge. One curious tradition H'itli rei;iird to his i'niversi/y career i\ preserved in fohnsoii's " Pi/e (p A/il/i n." " There /v reau>n to beliive," -writes Johnson, '''that Mil/on t,v/v rega>ded in he iillge -..>ilh no great Jondiie^s. That he obtained no fello'eshi p /' icrtaln : l; 2 JN CAP AND GOWN. hut the tinkindness with which he was treated was not only negative. I am ashamed to relate what I fear is true, that Milton was one of the last students in cither University who suffered the public indignity of corporal punishment. " Here lies old Hobson. Death hath broke his girt, And here, alas ! hath laid him in the dirt ; Or else, the ways being foul, twenty to one He's here stuck in a slough, and overthrown. 'Twas such a shifter, that if truth were known, Death was half glad when he had got him down ; For he had, any time this ten years full, Dodg'd with him betwixt Cambridge and T/ie Bull. And surely Death could never have prevail'd. Had not his weekly course of carriage fail'd ; But lately, finding him so long at home, And thinking now his journey's end was come, And that he had ta'en up his latest inn. In the kind office of a chamberlin, Show'd him his room where he must lodge that night, PuU'd off his boots, and took away the light. If any ask for him, it shall be said, " Hobson has supp'd, and 's newly gone to bed." Another on the Same. Here lieth one who did most truly prove That he could never die while he could move ; So hung his destiny, never to rot While he might still jog on and keep his trot ; Made of sphere-metal, never to decay Until his revolution was at stay. Time numbers motion, yet (without a crime 'Gainst old truth) motion number'd out his time ; ON THE UNIVERSITY CARRIER. And, like an engine moved with wheel and weight, His principles being ceased, he ended straight. Rest, that gives all men life, gave him his death. And too much breathing put him out of breath ; Nor were it contradiction to affirm Too long vacation hasten'd on his term. Merely to drive the time away he sicken'd, Fainted, and died, nor would with ale be quicken'd. "Nay," quoth he, on his swooning bed outstretch'd, " If I mayn't carry, sure I'll ne'er be fetch'd ; But vow, though the cross doctors all stood hearers, For one carrier put down to make six bearers." Ease was his chief disease ; and to judge right, He died for heaviness that his cart went light ; His leisure told him that his time was come. And lack of load made liis life burdensome, That e'en to liis last breath (there be that say 't), As he were press'd to death, he cried, " More weight But had his doings lasted as tliey were, He liad been an immortal carrier. Obedient to the moon he spent his date In course reciprocal, and had his fate Link'd to tlie mutual flowing of the seas ; \'ct, strange to think, his wain was his increase. His letter^, are dcliver'd all, and gone; Only remains tliis superscription. JOIIX Mll.lON. JN CAP AND GOWK ON THE FALL OF THE MLTRE TA VERN LN CAMBRIDGE. Thomas Randolph, the autlior of this and the folloiving poem , entered Trinity College in 1623, at the age of niiieteen. He afterwards obtained a fellowship and commenced blaster of Arts, in which degree he was incorporated at Oxford. He died in 1634. ' The two poems given here were frst printed in "A Cre'o of Kind London Gossips" (1663). The Mitre Tavern stood at the south end of the site noiu occupied by the screen of King's College. This fact is referred to in the tenth stanza ; EtoiUs ^' own College," of course, being King'' s. The fire took place in 1633, but the house was shortly after rebuilt, and was a popular resort of tindergradiiates in the time of Smai-t. Randolph, in " Afistippus and the Conceited Pedlar," makes the following reference to the alehouses of Cambridge : " Generous gentlemen, such is 7ny affection to PJicebus, and the ninetie-nine Rinses, that for the benefit of this Royal Universitie, I have strodled over three terre si rial I globes with my geometricall rambling, viz. the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afriqiie of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the terra incognita of many an Alehouse." In another passage he calls Hamon, Wolfe, and larlowc, the landlords of the Dolphin, Rose, and Mitre, respectively, ^' the three best Tutors in the Universities." Lament, lament, ye Scholars all. Each wear his blackest Gown, The Mitre, that held up your wits. Is now itself fain down. The dismal fire on London Bridge Can move no heart of mine : For that but o'er the water stood. But this stood o'er the wine. ON THE FALL OF THE MITRE TAVERN. 5 It needs must melt each Christian heart That this sad newes but hears, To think how the good Hogsheads wept Good Sack, and Claret tears. The zealous students of the place Change of Religion fear. That this mischance may soon bring in A heresie of beer. Unhappy Mitre ! I would know The cause of this sad hap : Came it by making legs too low To Pembj'oke^s Cardinal Cap ? ^ Then know thyself, and cringe no more, Since Popery went down, That Caj) should vail to thee, for now The Mitre's next the Crown ! Or was't because our company Did not frequent your Cell, As we were wont, to cure these cares Thou fox'dst thyself, and fell ? No, sure, the Devil was adry. And caus'd this fatal blow ; 'Twas he that made the Cellar sink. That he might drink below ! ' 'I'he ('anlinar^ Cap was tlie sit;ii of a tavern wliich stood opposite I'fintirokc ColK-c^f, where the I'ilt I'less now is, and was still in cxist- nce at the end uf the eighleeiilh century. J.V CAP AND GOWN. Yet, though some say, the Devil did it, That he might drink up all ; I rather think the Pope was drunk, And let his Mitre fall. Lament, ye Eton conjurers, The want of skill acknowledge : To let your Tavern fall, which stood At th' walls of your own College. Let the Rose with the Falcon molt. While Sam ^ enjoyes his wishes ; The Dolphin too must cast her Crown : Wine was not made for Fishes. That Sign a Tavern best becomes, That shows who loves Wine best ; The Mitre's then the only Sign, For that's the scholar's Crest. Then drink sack, Sam, and cheer thy heart : Be not dismay'd at all : For we will drink it up again. Though ourselves do catch a fall. We'll be thy workmen day and night. In spite of bugbear Proctors : We drank like freshmen all before. But now we'll drink like doctors. Thomas Randolph. ' The landlord. ( 7 ) THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE. IVc have been tinable to discover the date of the dispute bet7i'cen the To'vii and Gown 7-eferred to in the " Townsmen's Petition," nor do we know the precise ground of qiiarrel. There is, however, no donbt that, in the early part of the seventeenth century, the to-vnsmen of Cambridge thought they had a grievance, and were anxious, by adding to their own dignity, to cope 'with the arrogance {supposed or real) of the undergraduates. Another poem of Randolph's, which, like the one qiven here, is printed in " .'/ Crew of A'ind London Gossips" (1663), begins: " The Town of Cambridge now They say shall be a City." Now Scliolars look unto it, ]''or you will all be undon ; For the last week, you know it, 'J'hc Towns-men rid to London : The jVIayor, if he thrives, I lath j)romised, on his word. The King a pair of Knives, If he'll give him a Sword ; 'J'hat he may put the ])eadles down, And walk in worshij) here, And kill all Scholars in the town That thus do domineer. And then unto the Court They do themselves refjair, 'I'o make the King some s[)ort. And all his Nobles there. IN CAP AND GOWN. He down upon his knee, Both he and they together ; A Sword, he cryes, good King give me, That I may cut a feather. There's none at all I have at home. Will fit my hand, I swear ; But one of yours will best become A Sword to domineer. These Scholars keep such wreaks, As makes us all afeard, That if to them a Towns-man speaks, They will pull off his beard : But if your Grace such licence gives. Then let us all be dead, If each of us had not as lieve He should pull off his head. They call us silly drunkards too. We know not why, nor where ; All this, and more than this, they do, 'Cause they will domineer. A speech if I do make, That hath much learning in't, A Scholar comes to take. And sets it out in print ; We dare not touch them for our lives, Good King, have pity on us, For first they play upon our Wives, And then make songs upon us. Would we had power to put. And turn on them the jeer ; Then we would do the best we could. But we would domineer. They stand much on their wit, We know not what it is, THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE. But surely, had we liked it, We had got some of this. But since it will no better be. We are constrain'd to frame Petitions to your Majesty, These witty ones to tame. A sword would scare them all, I say. And put them in great fear ; A sword of you, good King, we pray. That we may domineer. Which if your Grace permits. We'll make them look about 'em ; But yet they have such pleasant wits, We cannot live without 'em. They have such pretty arguments, To run upon our score ; They say fair words, and good intents Are worth twice as much more. And that a clown is highly grac't. To sit a Scholar near ; And thus we are like fools out-fac't, And tliey do domineer. Now if you will renew To us your Grace's Charter, We'll give a ribbon blew To some Kniglit of the Garter. A Cap also we want. And Maintenance much more ; And yet lliese Scholars brag and vaunt, As if they had good store. Ikit not a penny we can see, .Save once in twice 7 year : They s;iy it is no policy, drunkards should domineer. IN CAP AND GOWN. Now reason, reason cries, Alas, Good Lord-lings, mark it well, A Scholar told me that it was A perfect parallel. Their case and ours so equal stand As in a way-scale true, A pound of Candles on each hand, Will neither higher shew. Then prithee listen to my speech, As thou shalt after hear : And then I doubt it not, my Liege, But we shall domineer. Vice-Chancellors they have. And we have Mayors wise. With Proctors and with Taskers grave. Our Bayliffs you may size : Their silver Staves keep much adoe. Much more our silver Maces ; And some think that our Serjeant too. Their Beadle-Squires out-faces. And if we had a Sword I think Along the street to bear, 'Twoukl make the proudest of them shrink, And we should domineer : They've Patrons of Nobility, And we have our partakers ; They've Doctors of Divinity, And we have Basket-makers : Their Heads, our bretliren dear, Their Fellows, our householders Shall match them, and we think to bear Them down by head and shoulders. A sword give us, O King, we pray, That we may top them there ; THE TOWNSMEN'S PETITION OF CAMBRIDGE. ii Since every Dog must have its day, Let us once domineer. When they had made the King to laugh, And see one kiss his hand ; Then httle mirth they make, as if His mind they understand. Avoid the room, an Usher cryes, The King will private sup ; And so they all came down like fools, As they before went up. They cry'd, God bless his Majesty ; And then no doubt they sware, Thcyl have the Town made a City, And here so domineer. Ijut wot ye wliat the King did think. And what Iiis meaning was ; 1 vow unto you by this drink, A rare device he has : Mis Majcstv hath ])en'd it, I'hat they'l be ne're the better; And so he nuans to send it. All in a I.atine Letter, ^\']lich v.hcn it comes for to be read, It ]lainly will a])i)ear, "J'lie Tcnvusmen they must hang the head, And the Scliolars mu:^t domineer. Thomas Randolph. IN CAP AND GOWN. ON THE UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE S BURNING THE DUKE OF MONMOUTH S PICTURE, 1685, WHO WAS FORMERLY THEIR CHANCELLOR. In Answer to this Question " Sed quid Turba Remi ? sequitur fortunam et semper et odit Damnatos." On July 3, 16S5, it was ordered, by a grace of the Senate, that the picture of the Duke of iMon/nouth, zvhich had been taken doio?i from the Se?iate House on his being deprived of the Chancellorship in 1682, should be burnt by the Yeoman Bedel; and on the liih of the same month another grace ivas passed, ordering that the dukis name should be taken out of all catalogttes of University oncers. This action oti the part of the Senate suggested the following verses, which zvare written by George Stepney, and published itt the " State Foevis" (1697). George Stepney was educated at Westminster and Trinity College, Cambridge, where he took his degree as B.A. in 1685. After leaving Cambridge he deserted the muses for politics, and died in 1707. The Vice-Chanccllor rcferi-ed to iti the poem was Dr. Blythe, Master of Clare Hall, Tchile Tite Jtllet is Titus Tillct, the Yeoman Bedel. In the University accounts for the year ending Michaelmas, 1 685, is found the following entry , " To Titus Tillet, for porterage and faggots to biirne Monmouth'' s picture in the Schooles, \os. oa'." Yes, fickle Cambridge, Perkins found this true, Both from your Rabble and your Doctors too, With what applause you once receiv'd his Grace, And bcgg'd a Copy of his (jodlike Face ; But when the sa<:e Vice-Chancellor was sure THE DUKE OF MONMOUTH'S PICTURE. 13 The Original in Limbo lay secure, As greasy as himself he sends a Lictor To vent his Loyal Malice on the Picture. The Beadle's Wife endeavours all she can To save the Image of the tall young man, Which she so oft when pregnant did embrace, That with strong thoughts she might improve her race ; But all in vain, since the wise House conspire To damn the Canvas Traytor to the Fire, Lest it, like Bones of Scanderbeg, incite Scythe-men next Harvest to renew the fight. Then in comes Mayor Eagle, and does gravely alledge, He'll subscribe (if he can) for a bundle of Sedge ; But the man of Clare-hall that proffer refuses, 'Snigs, he'll be beholden to none but the Muses : And orders ten Porters to bring the dull Reams On the Deatli of good Charles, and Crowning q{ James ; And swears he will l)orrow of the Provost more stuff On tlie Marriage of Ann, if that ben't enougli. The Heads lust he get all the profit t' himself (Too greedy of honour, too lavish of pelf) This motion deny, and vote that Tite Tillet Should gather from each noble Doctor a Billet. The Kindness was common, and so they'd return it, The Oifl was to all, all therefore would f)urn it : I'hus joining their Stocks for a Bonfire together, As they club for a Cheese in the Parish of Clwddcr ; Confusedly crowd on the Sophs and the Doctors, Thel langman, the Townsmen, their Wives and the Proctors, While tlie 'i'roops from each part cjf the Countries in all, ("oine to iiuaff his Confusion in r.umi)ers of stale. Put A'usd/in. never unkind to a Duke, I )oe^ by lit-r ;il)sence tlieir folly rebuke, 'I'he tender Creature could not see his fate, 14 IN CAP AND GOWN. With whom she 'ad danc'cl a Minuet so late. The Heads, who never could ho])e for such frames, Out of envy condemn'd Sixscore pounds to the flames. Then his Air was too proud, and his Features amiss, As if being a Traytor had alter'd his Phiz : So the Rabble of Rome, whose favour ne'er settles, Melt down their Sejanus to Pots and Brass Kettles. Geor(;e wStepney. ( 15 ) EPIGRAM. In 171^ Gcorf^c I. purchased from Dr. Moore, Bishop of Ely, a collec- lion of thirty thousand volumes, and presented them to the University of Cambridge. By this munificent gift the number of books in the University Library vas more than doubled. About the same time a troop of horse was sent to Oxford to arrest Colonel Omen and some other facohites. U'/icn the ki)ifs present ivas sent to Cambridge, the follozving ef.,'ra>n appeared J'rom tJie pen of an O.xjord man, probably Dr. Joseph 7'rapp, or I'oin Wharton the elder. King Gi:orgf., observing with judicious eyes The state of both his Universities, To Oxford sent a troo[) of horse ; and wliy ? That learned body wanted hjyaUy. To Caniljridge Ijooks he sent, as weU discerning How much that loyal body wanted learning. Sir Thomas Bro'.t'ne, of St. I\ter^s College, a Whig, and the founder of the I-P'iin-iuii medals, retnied i^'iih these Hues, Tohieli, according to Mrs. 'I'/iru'e, were ii:ipro:i^cd in duswer to Dr. fohnson's glorifcatioit .;/ Oxford: The king to Oxford sent a troo[) of horse, For ']'(jrics know no argument but force; With equal skill to ('ambridge books he sent, lur Whigs admit no force but argument. l6 7iV CAP AND GOWN. " A NG US TA M A MICE PA U PERI EM PA TI" Dr. Richard Bcntlcy (1662-1742), classical scholar and critic, came of a familyof Yorkshire yeomen. In 1676, icOien oily fourteen years of age, he entered St. John^s College, Cambridge, and graduated as B. A. in 1680. For some years he acted as tutor to the son of Bishop Stillingfleet, whose chaplain he became, on his ordination, in 1690. Li 1697 he publishea his famous ^^ DissertatioJt" on the letters of Phalaris, which concluded a controversy of some years' duration with the Hon. Charles Boyle. In 1699 he was appoijited Master of Trinity College, on luhich occasion he is said to have quoted the text, ^^ By the help of my God have I leaped over the wall,''' alluding to the proximity of Trinity and St. John's Colleges. For the next thirty-eight years he luas e7igaged in afi acrimonious warfare with the felloivs of Jiis college, into the merits of which lue need not here enter. We give the solitary specimen of his poetical composition, praised by Dr. folmson as " the forcible verses of a /nan of a strong mind, but not accustomed to write verse ; for there is some uncouthness in the exfi-es- sion." The verses zvere written in 1722, as a parody on an under- graduate's ifnitatioti of Horace's ode, ''^ Angustam amice pauperiem pati," in which the happiness of a student's career -was extolled. The poem was originally printed in " The Grove," Stw, London, 1721. Wood-vard, referred to in line 8, is Dr. IVoodwa/'d, 70/10 by his will, dated 1727, founded and endo7vcd the Wood-^oardian professorship of geology. Winston, who is chosen by Bentley as a typical theologian, had, when these verses were -written, been recently expelled from the University for holding Arian vie:cis. Who strives to mount Parnassus' hill, And thence poetic laurels bring, Must first acquire due force and skill, Must fly with swan's, or eagle's, wing. ' ANGUSTAM AMICE PAUPERIEM PATir 17 Who Nature's treasures would explore Her mysteries and arcana know, Must high, as lofty Newton, soar, Must stoop, as delving Woodward, low. Who studies ancient laws and rites, Tongues, arts, and arms, all history, Must drudge, like Skldex, days and nights. And in the endless labour die. \Vho travels in religious jars, Truth mixed with errors, shade with rays, Like Whiston, wanting pyx and stars, In ocean wide or sinks, or strays. Lut grant, our hero's hopes, long toil, And comprehensive genius, crown, All sciences, all arts, his spoil. Yet what reward, or what renown ? ]-^N"vv innate in vulgar souls, Envy steps in, and stops his rise; I'nvy with poison'd tarnish fouls lli.-^ lustre, and his worth decries Inghjrious, or by wants enthrall'd, To college, and old books, confui'd ; A pedant frcMu his lenrning calbd, iJunces advanc'd, he's left behind : Net left content, a genuine Sloi<; he, (ireal wilhoul jjalron, ricli without South Sea. Kit IIAKI; lll.NI I,l,\. iS IN CAP AND GOWN. UPON DR. BENT LEY, MASTER OF TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE. It is said that, in 1724, BentLy, on going to chapel, fotcnd the lock of the master's stall so rusty that it would not open. This incident lent colour to the charge, brought against him some years later, that /or a long time he had never once attended chapel. The verses here quoted, lohich 7vere 7i.'7-itten at the time the incident happened, are printed i)i Granger and A^oble's ^'Biographical History of England,'" vol. Hi. (1806). A soph, or, to be more precise, a senior soph, is an under- graduate in his last year. ZoiLUS, tir'd with turning o'er Dull indexes, a precious store, For ease to chapel took his way, Resolv'd to take a nap or pray. Proceeding slow in solemn state, Forward he marches to his seat. But, oh 1 the lock, long since disus'd, T' admit the holy man refus'd ! The virger tugs with fruitless pains. The rust invincible remains. ^\'ho can describe his woful plight, Plac'd thus in view, in fullest light, A spectacle of mirth, expos'd To sneering friends and giggling foes. Then first, as 'tis from fame receiv'd, (But fame can't always be believed,) UPON DR. BENTLEY. 19 A blush, the sign of new-born grace, Gleamed through the horrors of his face. He held it shameful to retreat, And worse, to take a lower seat. The virger soon, with nimble round. At once vaults o'er the wooden mound, And gives the door a furious knock, Which forced the disobedient lock. Then Zoilus ent'ring in confusion, His elbows placing on a cushion. Devoutly loU'd in musing deep, Unable now to pray or sleep. Some words imperfect mumbled o'er : The wicked Sophs declare he swore. That none should e'er for seven years' space Again behold him in that place. What then ? 'tis plain, in strictest truth, Religiously he kept his oath. IN CAP AXD GOIVN. THE CANTAB. Viiiicnt Bourne, ivho, as a 'oriter of Latin verse, had no rival among Ins contemporaries, was educated at IVestminster and Trinity College, Cambridge, ivhere he took his B.A. degree in 1717. He was afterwards Cowpcr's master at Westmitister ; and Cowper, who, as he said, '^ had an affection for the memory of Vinny Bourne," tratislated a cof2sideral)le number of his poems into Etiglish. Charles Lainb, too, had a sincere admiration for Bourne, and Englished some of tlie most polished of his verses. We reprint here two of Cowper's translations, and one of Lamb^s. With two spurs or one, and no great matter which, Boots bought, or boots borrow'd, a whip or a switch. Five shiUings or less for the hire of his beast. Paid part into hand : you must wait for the rest. Thus equipt, Academicus chmbs up his horse. And out they both sally for better or worse ; His heart void of fear, and as light as a feather ; And in violent haste to go not knowing whither : Through the fields and the towns (see !) he scampers along, And is look'd at and laugh'd at by old and by young. Till at length overspent, and his sides smcar'd with blood, Down tumbles his horse, man and all in the mud. In a waggon or chaise shall he finish his route ? Oh ! scandalous fate ! he must do it on foot. Young gentlemen, hear ! I am older than you ! The advice that I give I have proved to l)e true : Wherever your journey may be, never douljt it, The faster you ride, you're the longer about it. ViNXENT Bourne (translated by W. Cowper). ( 21 ) SPA RR WS SELF - DOMES TIC A TED IN TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE. None ever shared the social feast, Or as an inmate or a guest, Eeneath the celebrated dome ^Vhere once Sir Isaac had his home, ^\'ho saw not (and with some dehglit Perhaps he view'd the novel sight) How numerous, at tlie tables there, The sparrows beg their daily fare, j-'or there, in every nook and cell Where such a family may dwell, Sure as the vernal season comes 'I'heir nest they weave in hopes of crumbs. Which kindly given, may serve with food ( 'on\cnient their unfeather'd brood ; And oft as with its summons clear ']"h(j warning bell salutes their ear, Sagacious listeners to the sound, 'I'huy iloek from all tlie fields around, To reach the hospitable hall, \oiie more attenti\-e to tlie call. Arrived, the pensionar)' band, llo])pinL;- and cliirijing, (lose at hand, solicit wliat they soon receuw Tlie sprinkled, plenteous don:ili\e. JN CAT AND GOWN. Thus is a multitude, though large, Supported at a trivial charge ; A single doit w6uld overpay The expenditure of every day ; And who can grudge so small a grace To suppliants, natives of the place ? Vincent Bourne (translated by W. Cowper). NE W TON'S PRINCIPIA . Great Newton's self, to whom the world's in debt, Owed to School Mistress sage his Alphabet ; But quickly wiser than his Teacher grown, Discovered ])roperties to her unknown; iM h phis V>, or minus, learn'd the use, Known Quantities from unknown to educe ; And made no doubt to that old dame's surprise The Christ-Cross-Row his Ladder to the skies. Vet, wliatsoc'er Crt'ometricians say, ITcr Lessons were his true Principia ! \'in'C];n't Bourne (translated by Charles Laaib 34 J^' CAP AND GOWN. ON THE MASTERS OF CLARE HALL AND CAWS {OR KEYS) COLLEGE. Sir Thomas Goot/i, Bart., and Bisliop siuccssivcly of Bristol, Noji^'iilu and Ely, zoas I^Iaslcr of Gonvillc and Caitts College from 1716 to 1754. John Wilcox -was Master of Clare from 1736 to 1762. 7 his epigram is printed in jViehols' " Seleet Collection of Poems " (i 780-82), vol. zii. p. 226. Say.-. Gooch to old Wilcox, " Come take t'other bout."' " 'Tis late," says the Master, "I'll not be lock'd out." " Mere stuff," cries the Bishop, " stay as long as you please ; \Miat signify gates? Arn't I master of Keys?" ( 25 ) /] DIALOGUE IN THE SENATE HOUSE AT CAMBRIDGE. Jn 1 745 Mr. Btirrcll, aftcruiards Baron Gwydir, presented a sta/iie to tJie University, li'hieh heealled " Academic Glory.'''' It 'was the ic'ork of an Italian sculptor, named Baratta, and ivas executed in 17 15. It had stood at Canons, near the Duke of I\Iarlboroiigh^ s figure, in honour of his military victories. It 7,'as placed on the south side of the Senate House, opposite the statue of George I. After it had stood there about three years a grace 7vas proposed : " III at -i^'hereas the statue called ' Glory'' It ad been put up li'itliout any a'riire of the senate jirst had, that the thanks of the University should be :,i7\it to J\t,r BurrcU, I'.?] ., for tlie said statue, and that it should be )-ciiiovcil vil of the SetuUe House aiul placed cohere the syndics for the Hi vary .-liould think proper.'''' 1 his graic vas i-ejected, and ti'.'o days later a grace to return thank- to Mr. Burrell t. y7v passed. I'hus the statue remained in the Senate JIcu ,. I he dispute veas due to political considerations. It 7oas saia' that t'lt statue did not repy-esiiit " Glory,'' but 7oas a portrait op' {~>ueeii ^h/ue, and an this greaisid strenuous opposition 7.yis offered by the ll'hig. to its r, Dhiining in the Senate House. I he statue is ncuo in the I'it- 'illiajn Museum. The ''Dialogue in the Sciuite I/'^use" is printed in Niclwls' 'Mlluslra ticn.; of litcrnturcf 70I. i. pp. 66, 67, 7ohe)-e it is ascrilcil to the fath, r ! Mr. Jutice Ilirding.. .tunc J,\' , Jrieihl, 7.hio learnings Giant a7<.7>'," /> the Sir I !:oiiia.. Gif'l: iihiilioiud in the hi.-t po,m, " I car/zing's Giant" i' ]'iiC-Cl.iin, cllor. l-entiey :.,/,, tie; ri7\ d of all his d,gj\e.. C>n the ccaw'e// of a 7i,it of G.'rgr I. to Cniilndgc, the hiaimuy degree of IK I >. 7oa.s aaifned on s e> il 11:, mi ,r. rf /he U ni7;r..i!y . Benlley. tic I\i,,iu. /'/ofcwr ej I '/. inity, a', mana', d Jn m ea, It cf ti:, in the aa'a'i/ii /,,///.,<'/ / 4. ( 'oiiy. 1 .did'.!'' t- II, cite ip thoe on 7. horn the d-gi-ee 7, a. ion/' rrca', paid hi 26 IN CAP AXD GOIV.V. jSf, and then sued Bentley for it in the Vice-C'ianccUor's Court. Benthy declined to refund the money, and though bail ivas given for his appearance, he did not answer the summons. Bentley^ degrees were then taken away from him, and though this ^vas an illegal act, they 'were not recovered for six years. Daniel IVray, referred to in the latter part of the poem, was supposed to have been the chief advocate for the expulsion of the statue from the Senate House. Yet, in a letter to his friend, Mr. Yorkc, lie disclaims the '''Iconoclasts.''^ Strayiger. Whose is this image? Beadle. Academic Glory. S. Is she a maid or matron ? Whig, or Tory ? ^Vhat quarry could produce so huge a block ? What engines heave her from her native rock ? What vehicle the pond'rous marble bear ? Who bought her, who transform'd, who plac'd her there ? B. Who plac'd her there ? A mason. S. Whose design Contriv'd her statue's architecture }~B. Tvline. .S". Who thus her pedestal with Latin grac'd ? Who taught her thus to speak in words unchaste ? " Come all, come all, partake my ample treasure, llfio best deserve the palm I "^ Is that her pleasure ? Her youths invites she thus? B. The line, they say, Is borrow'd, word for word, from VirgiFs lay. Poems I study not ; I seek, I own, Vitruvian art, Vitnivian style alone ; But to ray Johnian friends I give due credit, And they in Virgil or in Maro read it. Virgil unchaste ! Is your's a true translation ? You differ surely from tlie congregation ! S. The congregation, Sir! Did Alma Mater A deity by solemn grace create her? And place her opposite to George's view, Fix'd in the place to George the Second due ? ' " Cuncti adsunt, meritacque L-x]icclent j^raemia ]5almae. ' A DIALOGUE IN THE SEX ATE HOUSE. 27 B. Some mysteries, from anxious eyes conceal'd, To Clerks alone and Churchmen are reveal'd. Though JVhigs and Wits her origin suspected, And still enquire by whom she's thus erected, Faction, to shake her base, conspires in vain ; A deity she is and must remain. What though her brawny limbs and stately size. Taste, and vertiu and elegance despise, To us her shape unzoned, unclasped with boddice. And more than A^irgin stride, proclaim the Goddess.^ S. To Diaiis image thus, with pomp array'd, Their glowing vows Epliesian zealots paid ; Though conscious whence the fusile ore was brought, ^Vliat craftsman's skill the ductile figure wrought, The work divine with transport they commended, ^Vhirh, as tlicy feign'd, {x ova Jove himself descended. />'. A\'hat Glory tvas, why seek her sons to know ? See what alluring gifts she offers Jio:^' f Ca])S to the learn'd, a mitre to tlie sleek. And whitc-glov'tl Chaplain, who forgets his Greek ; To J/cads, repose ; to Bards, Faniassian bays ; To all, or wortliy or unworthy, ])raise. .S". What mean those types that lurk beneath her feet, I'jnblems ill-liirl by ignorant deceit? What means tliat civic crown? Are these, rewards kor sage I )ivincs, Pliilosophers, and Bards? /''. X(jr smiles on these alone the (Goddess ; she, I'rdpitious Queen ! some boon reserves for me. It yliuhshys friend, who Tearning's Giant slew, A convert deem'd, [)refeiTed to honours new, I.aiiglis in Ins sleeve (jf lawn, and shakes liis sides, l':rs. drinks, and marries, age and care derides, ' " X'lTi inr(--.ti jia'uit Ilea" (\'ir;ni). 28 IN CAP AND GOWN. Why may not I, by her caress inspir'd, By jovial port, and just ambition fir'd, Claim from her patroness an equal grace, And for a Headship change the Beadle's mace ? .S. Her gifts I envy not ; but wonder more So partially she deals her bounty's store ; Hardinge,^ whose merit friends and foes confess'd, By her repulse defeated, sinks oppress'd. B. So perish all, who insolently dare, Snatch'd from our champion's crest, a plume to wear ! Those frantic foes, who late, with towering pride. The Church, the Prince, and Rutherfofth defied. Now in luxurious ease supinely sleep, Nor discipline retain, nor vigils keep : We, in firm phalanx join'd, a chosen few, With scattered troops successful war renew ; Rise by defeat, and, from the victor's brow. Steal the fresh garland of his Delphic bough. Triumphal wreaths around our temples twine, And consecrate our spoils at Glory s shrine. S. And what if Granta, rous'd by honest shame, Should haply wake, and vindicate her fame ; Precipitate this Demon from her throne, And vengefully eject this load of stone ! B. Urg'd by unjust reproof, I shall unfold A tale, perhaps not lawful to be told. Her from the solid suljstance, vast and rude, First into Fame a painful sculptor hew'd ; Her head a trumpet, wings her shoulders bore, This wrinkled robe tlius channel'd then she wore ; Deck'd with fit attributes in front and rear, ' The author of tliis jxjcm, and in jc-^l the hern of Ihk own t'/(';r. had ridis])ute at this time with the University respecting; the non-performance (if a divinity exercise. A DIALOGUE IN THE SEX ATE BOUSE. 29 Expos'd to view, she charm'd a gazing Peer ; ^ Wlio only disapprov'd her wings and trump, And made some small objections to the rump. These faults corrected, straight at Canons rear'd, jNIix'd in a grove of statues she appear'd ; There Marlborough' s form she lovingly beheld, And, wreathed for ///;;/, a civic chaplet held : But when, invoked by Cocks' - enchanting tone, As at Amphion's call, each sculptur'd stone Obsequious trembled at his hammer's sound, And fled, so summon'd, that unhappy ground, A youth,^ to Phoebus, and the Muses dear, At Granta's voice who lent the filial ear; To her the destin'd gift this idol bought. And at her feet his votive image brought. In doubt at first, what Nymph's, what Heroine's name, AVliat Queen's was best adapted to the IJame ; At length, by vote unanimous, we made her A Sovereign Goddess, and as such display'd her : But, fearing lest the Senate should disown. As George s friends, his Adversary' s stone, Inscriljcd with bits of verse and scraps of prose, (The verse at least is classical) we clicjse 'J'(j make and call her AcADK>ric GI.OR^", Still in disguise a Queen, and still a Tory. S. Approved the Sciiate this transfiguration, Or licens'cl by decree the consecration? r>. Xot by decree; but wlien malignant ^\'l-lA^,' ''I'cl.-, tin; ccli-hrii'c'l aiu tionccr (if his 'lay, \'.n- cinpl^x-cl in tlic "f C-'ii.u aii'l il , MipL-rlj furniture, in the iliLijii' hitiun i|' ihut nia;;- 'ii! ni:;ii i' .n. I'. ;.-r HuiiclL V.^<\., -.f ^1. J.,hn^. Iiiiii'.i \Vr;iy ciilcnjil 'Jurcn's (JijIIf;.^j a^ a fLihAs-C'-niinniu/r in 30 IN CAP AND GOWN. Eager in hope, impatient of delay, A dapper, pert, loquacious, busy elf, More active for the public than himself, Ran to and fro with anxious looks, and prated. And fnov'd she might from hence be soon translated, Dissenting from their friends, a wise majority Supported us, and her, by their authority : And who shall now remove her from the scene, Or dare to drive her from the Muses? S. Keened So when the father of his country fled, By fear of tribunitial rage misled, On exii'd Cicero's devoted floor Clodius upraised his Taiiagraean whore : Th' indignant Senate saw, with patriot eyes, A harlot cloath'd in Liberty's disguise : But, when again to Latiati skies restor'd, Her joy and guardian grateful Rome ador'd, Their ancient seat, by her abode profaned, His household gods with dignity regained. Nicholas Hardinge. 1718, graduated as M.A. in 172S, and for many years resided in Cam- bridge. ' \"ice-Chanccllor in 1750, aflenvards successively Bishop of Clicster and of Ely. ON TAKING A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. In Allusion to Horace, Bk. hi. Od. 30 " Excgi monumentum acre perennius." ChristopJicr S/?iari (i 722-1770) vas admitlcd to Pembroke Ilall in 1730, graduated as B.A. in 1743, and iivo years later loas elected to a fcllvvship at his coUe;:_e. In 1753 lie quitted Cambridge, having prcviotislv married A/iss Carman. IVIiile at tlie University, in addition to many saered foems, -written for the Seatonian Prize, Smart wrote a good deal of oeeasional 7'erse, contributing to " Ihe Student, or Oxford and Cambridge Miscellany,^^ and editing, i^'ith Newbery, " 'Ilie JSlidwife, or the Old ll'fliiiiin's Jlagazine." 'J'lie former fii-iodical first appeared on January ^i, 1750, and caiiu- to an end in tlie July of the next year. In addition to Smart, Pen net 7''iornt''n and 'Jiwmas Jl'harton contributed to it, -ii'hile a '^ IJj'e of Dr. I-'rancis Cheynel!''' 7i'as from the hand of Dr. Johnson. 7 he fire toons 7ohieh foIUno appeared in it. Ihe second stanza of the poem, " On taking a /bachelor's /degree,'' has, curiously enough, proved to l>e prophetic, for it is not much more Iban a year a:;fl that Mr. Cosse successfully searched the liutloy boohs of J'iDp'rohe College Por records of Christopher SmarPs C'niversity career. In order to (lone : I tow'r to tlial dc.L^rcc, And calcli sucli licav'iily fire, That Horace ne'er could rank like ine, Nor is KiiiL^'s clia[)el liiLiher. ' ' Jvc;;;;Ii .>iln |i)-raiiii' luiii altiii--." 32 ly CAP A.VD GOIV.V. My name in sure recording page Shall time itself o'erpo\v'r,i If no rude mice with envious rage The buttery books devour. A title,^ too, with added grace, My name shall now attend, Till to the church with silent pace A nymph and priest ascend.'' Ev'n in the schools I now rejoice, Where late I shook with fear, Nor heed the Moderator's voice Loud thundering in my ear.^ Then with yEolian flute I blow A soft Italian lay," Or where Cam's scanty waters flow,- Releas'd from lectures stray. Meanwhile, friend Banks,^ my merits claim Their just reward from you, For Horace bids us challenge fame, When once that fame's our due.^ ^ " Quod non . . . innumerabilis Annorum series." " Bachelor. ' " Bum Capitolium Scandet cum tacita virgine pontifex." " Qua violens obstrepit Aufidus." ^ " Aeolium carmen ad Italos Deduxisse modes." " " Qua pauper aquae Daunus," etc. ' A celebrated tailor. * " Sunie su]3erbiam Quaesitam meritis. " ON TAKING A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. Invest me with a graduate's gown, Midst shouts of all beholders, My head with ample square-cap crown, ^ And deck with hood my shoulders. B.A. (C. Smart.) Cambridge. "Mihi Delphica Lauro cinge volens . . . comam." 34 JN CAP AND GOWN. ON AN EAGLE CONFINED IN A COLLEGE COURT. Christopher Smart is scarcely more kindly in his references to college life than Gray, luhose condemnation of his University is to be found on b. 46. The Bursar's accounts at Trinity College for 1744-45, 1745-46, during which years Smart zuas residing in Cambridge, record expenses for a trough and chaifi 'for the eagle.'" This entry gives an unexpected actuality to Smart'' s verses. Imperial bird, who wont to soar High o'er the roUing cloud, Where Hyperborean mountains hoar Their heads in ether shroud ; Thou servant of ahniglity Jove, Who, free and swift as thought, could'st rove To the bleak north's extremest goal ; Thou, who magnanimous could'st bear The sovereign thund'rer's arms in air. And shake thy native pole ! Oh, cruel fate ! what barbarous hand. What more than (lothic ire. At some fierce tyrant's dread command, To check thy daring fire. Has plac'd thee in this servile cell. Where Discipline and Uulness dwell, ON AN EAGLE CONFINED IN A COLLEGE COURT. 35 Where Genius ne'er was seen to roam ; Where ev'ry selfish soul's at rest, Nor ever quits the carnal breast, But lurks and sneaks at home ! Tho' dim'd thy eye, and clipt thy wing. So grov'ling ! once so great ! The grief-inspired Muse shall sing In tend'rest lays thy fate. What time by thee scholastic Pride Takes his precise, pedantic stride, Nor on thy mis'ry casts a care, The stream of love ne'er from his heart Flows out, to act fair pity's part ; But stinks, and stagnates there. Yet useful still, hold to the throng Hold the reflecting glass, That not untutor'd at thy wrong The jjassengcr may pass. Thou type of wit and sense confm'd, Cramp'd by the oppressors of the mind, liorn to look downward on the ground ; 'I'ypc of tlie fall of Greece and Rome ; "V\'liile more than mathematic gloom J^nvclopcs all around. C. Smart. 36 IN CAP AND GOWA'. THE PRETTY BAR-KEEPER OF THE MITRE. This poem tuas written at college in 1741, and published in " The Oxford and Cambridge Miscellany ^ An explajiation of the Johtiian's " snout " ii.'ill be found in the Introduction. For the Mitre Tavern, see p. 4. "Relax, sweet girl, your wearied mind, And to hear the poet talk, Gentlest creature of your kind, Lay aside your sponge and chalk ; Cease, cease the bar bell, nor refuse To hear the jingle of the Muse. " Hear your numerous vot'ries' prayers, Come, O come, and bring with thee Giddy whimsies, wanton airs. And all love's soft artillery ; Smiles and throbs, and frowns and tears, With all the little hopes and fears." She heard she came and e'er she spoke, Not unravish'd you might see Her wanton eyes that wink'd the joke. Ere her tongue could set it free. AVIiile a forc'd blush her cheeks inflam'd, And seemed to say she was asham'd. THE PRETTY BAR-KEEPER OF THE MITRE. 37 No handkerchief her bosom hid, No tippet from our sight debars Her heaving breasts with moles o'erspread, Mark'd, Httle hemispheres, with stars ; While on them all our eyes we move, Our eyes that meant immoderate love. In every gesture, every air, Th' imperfect lisp, the languid eye. In every motion of the fair We awkward imitators vie, And, forming our own from her face, Strive to look pretty as we gaze. If e'er she sneer'd, the mimic crowd Sneer'd too, and all their pipes laid down ; If she but stoop'd, we lowly bow'd, And sullen if she 'gan to frown, In solemn silence sat ])rofound liut did she laugh? the laugh went round. Her snuff-box if the nymph pulled out, l^ach Johnian in res]X)nsive airs Fed with the tickling dust his snout. With all the politesse of bears. Dropt she her fan beneath her hoop ? Iw'n stake-stuck Clarians strove to sl(jop, The sons of culinary Kays Smoking from the eternal treat, Lost in ecstatic transport gaze. y\s though the fair was good to eat ; l'",\'n gloomiest King's men, pleased r. fohnson in his Dictionai-y as ''to banish into the country.''' Hi'. a, lohoi,' ila)-et is alluild to in tiie piurth stair.a, 7,', is toe landord ' !ie 'Run . At the time this poem ~,oas lori/len, hild " ll'c Ui/iin .tcrs '' 70a; being hell, soilh lite /'ro/cssor I (///./ /;/ lie' chair. 'J'he proctor .. pi, di.-di iutcrp'crence on Riis oc< a.^ion I t.< a\c ihy luasc\vhi[i])ed back troni dail)' tears ; l''r',ni Ouilab's ( urse, from Cantab's tear-, !" S;a !i wi re the :-ouiidi that o'er the |)0\vdered ])rule (M ('M- th'j r.arlhT S'.iltered wilij dismay, \-i down the ^teep of bick-^on's sh'[)|)Cr\- l.iue lb; wijMud ',vit;i jjuffmi,^ march hi> tuilvane, l.irdy, \\a\. I, so IN CAP AND GOWN. In a room where Cambridge town Frowns o'er the kennels' stinkuig flood, Rob'd in a flannel powd'ring-gown, With haggard eyes poor Erskine stood ; (Long his beard, and blouzy hair Streamed like an old wig to the troubled air ;) And with clung guts, and face than razor thinner, Swore the loud sorrows of his dinner. " Hark I how each striking clock and tolling bell With awful sounds the hour of eating tell ! O'er thee, oh Coe ! their dreaded noes they wave, Soon shall such sounds proclaim thy yawning grave ; Vocal in vain, through all this lingering day, The grace already said, the plates all swept away. " Cold is Beau * *'s tongue That soothed each virgin's pain ; Bright perfumed M * * has cropped his head : Almack's ! you moan in vain : Each youth whose high toupee Made huge Plinlimmon bow his cloud-capt head In humble Tyljurn-top we see, P'splashed witli dirt and sun-burnt face : Ear on before the ladies mend their pace, Tiie Macaroni sneers, and will not sec. Dear lost companions of the coxcomb's art. Dear as a turkey to these famished eyes, Dear as the ruddy port which warms my heart, Ye sunk amidst the fainting ^Misses' cries No more I weep, they do not sleep : At yonder ball, a sturdy band, I see them sit ; they linger yet, Avengers of fair Nature's hand ; With me in dreadful resolution j(;in, To crop with one accord, and starve their cursed line. THE BARBER. 51 " Weave the warp, and weave the woot, The winding sheet of barbers' race ; Give ample room and verge enough Their lengthened lantern jaws to trace. Mark the year and mark the night, When all their shops shall echo with affright ; Loud screams shall through St. James's turrets ring, To see, like Eton boy, the King ! Puppies of France, with unrelenting paws, That scrape the foretops of our aching heads \ No longer l^ngland owns thy fribblish laws. No more her folly Gallia's vermin feeds, i'hey wait at Dover for the first fair wind. Soup-meagre in the van, and snuff; roast-beef behind. " Mighty barbers, mighty lords, Low on a greasy bench tliey lie ! Xo pitying heart or purse affords A sixijcnce f(jr a mutton-pye ! Is llic mealy prentice fled ? I'(jor Coe is gone, all sui)perless to bed. The swarm tliat in thy shop each morning sat Comb tiieir lank hair on forehead flat : I'";iir laughs the inorn, when all the world are beaux, While \aiii!y strutting through a silly land, in fo[)pi>h train the ])U])p}' Ikirher goes ; Lace on \\\> shirl. and money at command, Ri LMnlless (L the skulking baihff's s\va\-, 1 !,al, hill m some dark c(jurt, e\pecl^l his evening prey. ' 'i'l'.e jinrlcr mug fill hi'-lh, bak'd ( i;r!,i and locks prepare; h'.ch ot (jur heads, they yet by wigs may live : ' '\' oe hy the greasy chair 52 IN CAP AND GOWN. I'cll thirst and fLimine lie, No more to Art will beauteous Nature give. Heard ye the gang of Fielding say, Sir John,^ at last we've found their haunt ; To desperation driven by hungry want, Through the crammed laughing Pit they steal their way ? Ye towers of Newgate ! London's lasting shame, By many a foul and midnight murder fed, Revere poor ]\Ir. Coe '" the blacksmith's fame And spare the grinning Barber's chuckle head. " Rascals ! we tread thee underfoot, (Weave we the woof; the thread is spun :) Our beards we pull out by the root ; (The web is wove your work is done.) " " Stay, oh stay ! nor thus forlorn Leave me uncurled, undinnered, here to mourn. Through the broad gate that leads to College Hall They melt, they fly, they vanish all. Ikit oh ! what happy scenes of pure delight. Slow moving on, their simple charms unroll ! Ye rapt'rous visions, spare my aching sight ; Ye unborn beauties, crowd not on my soul ! No more our long-lost Coventry we wail : All hail, ye genuine forms ; fair Nature's issue, hail ! " Not frizzed and frittered, pinned and rolled, Sublime their artless locks they wear, And gorgeous dames and judges old, AMthout their teles and wigs appear. hi the midst a form divine, Her dress bespeaks the Pennsylvanian line, ' Sir John Ficldini;, police ma.^islralc. - Coc'a falher, Ijlacksinilh at Caiiibridi^a' THE BARBER. 53 Her port demure, her grave, religious face, Attempered sweet to virgin grace. AV'hat sylphs and spirits wanton through the air ! ^^'hat crowds of little angels round her play ! Hear from thy sepulchre, great Penn ! oh hear ! A scene like this might animate thy clay. Simplicity, now soaring as she sings, Waves in the eye of Heaven her quaker-coloured wings. " No more toupees are seen That mock at Alpine height. And queues with many a yard of riband bound, All now are vanished quite. No tongs or torturing pin, I'ut every licad is trimmed quite snug around : Like boys of the cathedral choir. Curls, sucli as Adam wore, Ave wear, I'.acli sim])Icr generntion blooms more fair, 'i'ill ai! that's artificial sliall expire. A'ain [Aqijiv boy ! thinks't thou yon essenced cloud, Rai>L(l by thy puff can vie with Natures liue ? To-iiKjrrow see tlie variegated crowd W'itli ringlets sliiiiing like tlie morning dew. I'hiough fur ine : witli j(jy I see '{'he different dooms our fates assign ; be thine to hjve thy trade and starve ; To wear wliat Heaven bestowed be mine.'' lie said, and lieadlong from tlie trap-stair's lieight C^t'iick through the frozen street lie ran in sliabliy phglit. 'J'llOMXS b>KSKINM:. 54 IN CAP AND GOWN. DR. JOWETTS GARDEN. The follo'ving cpigrain was ivritten in the year 1790, and 7vas atlri- luited to Francis Wrangham, of Trinity Hall, aftenvards Archdeacon of Cleveland. Wrangiiam repudiated it, but, in conjntiction 7vtth his Whig opinions, it probably caused him to be passed over when a fellowship ivas vacant. Professor Prymc says that the verses we?-e also ascribed to Porson, as composed extonporc ; while a -writer in the " Gentle7nan'' s Magazine " for 1792 states that ihey -were by Mr. Horry, an American fellow- commoner of Trinity. Joseph yoiuctt, LL.D., then Tutor of Trinity Hall, had fenced in the space next Tritiity Hall Lane, between the north and south ranges of the building, and converted it into a garden. J/e after-ii'ards turned the garden into a gravel -walk, and this gave rise to the P.S. Several versions of this epigram are extant. A LiTTi-E garden little Jowett made, And fenced it with a little palisade ; A little taste hath little Dr. Jowett, This little garden doth a little show it. P.S. Because his garden made a little talk, He changed it to a little gravel walk. ( 55 ) ANONYMOUS VERSES AGAINST DR. PARR, For.Mi i;v Ci^ap.i, Ronixsox among ^Tr. Roopf.r's MAXUscuiP'r LkI IKKS liKI.ONGIXG TO MaLUXE. J)r. Sai/iih! J\irr, tlic suhjccc of i his epigram, atlaiiicd coisidn able rcpnta!i^iii, as a man efici/ and leariiiii:^'', in the latter lutlf of the cii^ittcoitk eentitry. 'I !: ugii Jor some tune in residenee at /eiinmannel, )ie left the L 'nircr i:]' :.'i:';o:it t'thiir^ a ile.i'ree, and had. an honorary A.M. presented to him in I'J'Jl. dor SL'oeral years he :oas a sehooimaster, and did not reeeize lii< /irj phee oj' eeelesiaslieal preferment until 1780. Jn 17S5 lie ohtained t';e perpetual em oil .finally r-presented ~oitli a lai;^ elay pipe in his hand ; but, irr .'Ome rea.vn or oilier, the pipe -oas afterioards painted out. 'I'o half of ljusl)y"s skill in mood and tense Add licntlcy's })cd;inlry without his sense; Of Warburtcjii lake all the spleen you find, And leave his genius and his wit behind; SijUtx/.e CliurchiU's ranc.iis manuscript of a part of the Ale-ij Testament in the [Jnirersity I. library. T/ie title of his loork, " Codex Jleiae Canta- liriy.en isf -."'ii'-/i can l>e construed to mean the ''' Codex of Beza, the Cam'irid^v miinf exp'sed- him to much ridi ule : loliile in his preface he Cfiminitted ..' many .^ilei' ins that a '^ A'iplim^ism'" loas long a proverbial expre-^d.fui for a bhuider in dalin. d-'or diishop Watson, see belo:o, p. 7S. ()rthouoxy"s stauncli adherent, ]!ishop \\'atson's great vice-gerenl, Sub- Professor Dr. Ki[)ling, Leave off your \'orksliire trick of tippling : For wliilc tliy lieza is in liand, Man's salvation's at a stand. KlCHAKU I'OKSOX. SS IN CAP AND GOWN. THE GERMAN PROFESSORS. I WENT to Strasburg, where I got drunk With that most learn'd Professor Jkunck : I went to AVortz, where I got more drunken With that more learn'd Professor Ruhnken. Richard Porson. ( S) ) THE GERMANS IN GREEK. In a letter from Parson to A)idre',ij Dalzel, dated September 3, 1S03, the J'o/lo:i'i)r^ oeeurs : " It may peihaiis divert you ic, insert an epigram, made by an lltoniaii, a friend of mine, upun the said Herman, in imitation of I'iioeylide.i's saw (.Strabo, x. p. 4S7). Xi/toes t'rre jrerfxin', aTL'roJi'. Which I 'lira- endeavnured to do iiitD Ihighsh - I'liH (Jcrman.s in Greek Are sadly to seek ; Xol li\e in five score, Ijiit ninety-live more : All, s;ive only lil^R.MAN, And HERMAN'S a German."' Richard Por.sov. 6o J.V CAP AND GO J fa: IMITATION OF HORACE. Lib. I. Od. 14. The Argument. Tlie poet makes avoynf^e to Britain, in pursuance of his promise lib. iii. od. iv. line 33 " Visam Britannos hospitibus feros " "I will visit the Britons inhospitable to strangers." The vessel in which he sailed was called the Britannia, whether from the place of its destination, or from the circumstance of being built of British wood, I cannot deter- mine ; but, I believe, for both reasons. After a tedious voyage, at last he arrived safe at Portsmouth. The ship was grievously shattered ; but the Ca]5tain determined to go out immediately, before she was well refitted, and while the weather was very unpromising. Several of the crew were heard to mutter, in consequence of this ])roceeding ; upon which the captain, by advice of the pihjt, ])ut them in irons. But the most curious incident was (if we may believe Quintilian), that Horace was indicted for a libel, as if, under the allegory of a ship, he had intended to paint the dangers and distresses of the commonwealth. Whoever peruses my version will see how groundless and absurd this accusation was. The reader need only keep in mind that the poet, more safe at shore, makes this pathetic address to the vessel, in which his life and fortune were so lately risked. Britannia, while fresh storms are brewing, I wonder what the devil you're doing ! Put back to harbour, might and main, Nor venture out to sea again : Your hull's too tender long to last, You're fain to try a jury-mast ; IMITATION OF HORACE. 6i Your tackle's old. your timber's crazy, The winds are high, the weather's hazy ; Your anchor's lost^ you've sprung a leak ; Hark how the ropes and cordage creak ! A rag of canvas scarce remains ; Your pilot idly beats his brains A cub that knows not stem from stern. Too high t' obey, too proud to learn In vain you worry Heav'n with pray'rs ; Think you that Heaven one farthing cares Whether a sailor prays or swears ? In vain you sport your threadbare joke. And call yourself " Old Heart of Oak." Xo seaman, that can box his compass. Trusts to your daubs, or titles pompous, 'i'ake heed, lest lioreas ])lay the mocker, And cry " 'Tis snug in Davy's locker." Thougli while on board as sick as hell, At sJKjrc, old girl, I wish vou well, licwarc of shoals of wind and weather, And try to keep your planks together ; Or else the ravenous sea will gorge And lodge _\ou next the Royal (leorge. RiCllARO Poioox. 62 JN CAP AND GOIVX. IMITATION OF HORACE. Lib. I. On. 34. Mr. Editor,^ Understanding that my last translation of an ode of Horace did not displease the best judges, I have taken the liberty to send you a second attempt, ^\hich I submit to your candour. It may seem matter of wonder to you, as it does to me, that neither Quintilian, nor Will Baxter, nor any other hunter of allegories, should find out the real drift of this ode, which is so very easy to be discovered. Tlie case, in short, is as follows. Augustus, in the midst of peace and tran- quillity, felt, or feigned, an alarm, on account of some books written by persons suspected of an attachment to the party of Cato and J5rutus, and recommending republican principles. Now, Horace, having been a colonel in Brutus's army, and being ratlicr too free in jirofessing his religious sentiments, naturally passed for an atheist and a republican. Augustus published an edict to tell his subjects how happy they all were in spite of the suggestions of malcontents ; commanding them to slick close to their old religions ; and threatening, that whoever was not nctive in assisting the government, should be treated as an enemy to Church and Stale. Upon this occasion Horace read or affected to read, for I will not take my oath to his sincerity a recantation. In one part of the ode he says ''Ju])iter, who generally thunders and lightens in cloudy weather, now has driven his chariot through the serene air." This is so plain an emblem of 7\iiguslus fulminating his censures in a time of jierfect tranciuillity, tliat it needs no further com- ment. Our author refers to this circumstance again (cann. vii. 5) : ^^ Caclo tonanlcjii crcdldimzts govern ri'i;na)-e: pracsciis J)ivus habcbititr ' This letter and translation allude, with great delicacy, ingenuity, n.r\h a translation of the whole by subscription : it will he ])riiUed on wire-\\ove paper, and hot-pressed not to exceed two volumes (juarto. A great number (>[ engravings will be added by the iiio-.t eminent artists. The obscenities will he left out of the common inpic^; but i)rinted se])arate!y for the u>c of the curious and critical II ;i'lcr.i. riie passages which have an improper political tendency will he carefully omitted ; such as Sed mngis I'ugnas ct CNactcj.-, lyranno-. !)eii^um liuiiK:ri^ hihit aiire vidgus. TIh ( hiMering \\\^,\, i, mf.re deliglited to hear of hattlci and l!ie oul-ioii of 1) rant-." Y 66 IN CAP AND GOWN. Or that address to Fortune Purpurei metuunt tyranni, Injurioso ne pede proruas Stantem columnam ; neu populus frequens Ad arma cessantes, ad arma Concitet, imperiumque frangat. " Purple tyrants dread thee, O Fortune, lest thou shouldst kick clown the standing pillar [of existing circumstances] ; lest the thronging populace should summon the loiterers To arms ! TO arms ; and demolish the empire." But these passages, thank God ! are very few, and shall be studiously suppressed. Luckily, Horace is full of loyal effusions, which I shall endeavour to render with spirit as w-ell as fidelity. What, for instance, can be more applicable than the following passage to the present holy war ? Uiu Lateque victrices catervae, Consiliis Juvenis repressae, Sensere, quid mens rite, quid indoles Nutrita faustis sub penetralibus Posset, quid Augusti paternus In pueros animus Nerones. " The armies, so long and so far victorious, were checked by the conduct of a young prince, and became sensible what could be done by a mind and a disposition nurtured under an auspicious roof what could be achieved by the paternal affection of Augustus to his young Neroes." But it is time to release you from this tedious preface, and give you my specimen. Why, thus it runs, tlien Fye, friends ! were glasses made for fighting, And not your hearts and heads to lighten ? Quit, quit, for shame, the savage fashion, Nor fall in such a bloody passion. " Pistols and ball for six ! " what sport ! How distant from " Fresh lights and Port ! " Get rid of this ungodly rancour : And bring your elbows to an anchor. IMITATION OF HORACE. 67 Why, though your stuff is plaguy heady, I'll try to hold one bumper steady, Let Ned but say, what wench's eyes Gave him the wound, of which he dies. You won't 1 then, damme if I drink ! A proper question this to blink ! Come, come ; for whomsoe'er you feel Those pains, you always sin genteel. And were your girl the dirtiest drab (You know I never was a blab; Out with it ; whisper soft and low ; What ! is it she ? The filthy frow ! ^'ou've got a roaring sea to tame, Loy, worthy of a belter flame ! What Lapland witch, what cunning man, Can free \(ni I'rom this harridan ? St. Ceorge himself wlio slew the dragon Would idly waste himself this hag on. Richard Porson, 68 IN CAP AND GOWN HYMN TO THE CREATOR. By a New-made Peer. To THE Editor of the "Morning Chronicle." 'Q Tov KpaTLCTov TTttt IlocretSwvos 0V Xai/ae k 'A^/aoStrTjS. "AAAot /xev rj fiaKpav fiaX aTre^ovaLV 0eot, H ovK e^ovcTLv wra, "H OVK elalv, 7] ov Trpocri^ovcnv yjfuv ovSe ev, 2e 8e TrapovO opw/xev, Ov $vXlvov ovSe XlOlvov, aXX oXtjOlvov Tlv^6[j.ea6a Si] ctol, llpwTOv fiiv (.Ipy'jvrjv Troirjaov, (^tArare, Ku/3tos yap et cri;. Athenaeus, vi. p. 253. D. Sir, We were discoursing the other day on the fashion once so prevalent in Rome of deifying those benefactors of mankind, the Emperors. A ]ierson in company observed, tliat it was not original, or peculiar to Rome ; that many instances of it might be found in the Greek history ; at the same time he mentioned Alexander the Great and Demetrius Poliorceta. The latter example not being quite so well known as the other, he informed us that the Athenians, besides paying other compliments to Demetrius, sang an hymn to him at his entrance to Athens, from wliich this gentleman repeated the verses above quoted. ]3eing requested by the unlearned part of the company to explain the verses, he gave the following translation : " Hail, O son of the most powerful God Neptune, and of Venus ! " HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 69 (X.B. " Son of Neptune," in poetry, we know, signifies a king with a mighty naval power, and "Son of Venus " denotes that air of grace and dignity mixed, which is inseparable from royalty.) " For all other gods are either at a great distance from us, or have no ears, or exist not at all, or pay not the least attention to us : but thee we behold a present Deity, made neither of wood nor of stone, l)ut a real God. We therefore pray thee, first of all, to give peace in our time, O dearest ; because thou only fightest for us." Another observed that there was something in the general spirit of this address extremely like a late composition that had been much handed about in manuscript. The poem was read, of which I send you a copy, if it can be of any use to your paper. We all agreed, however, that the author had, with great judgment, avoided the pacific conclusion of the (jreck verses, which shows that the Athenians were sorry cravens in comparison with true British Hearts of Oak. T. Sternmolu. Hail, gracious Sire ! to thee belong My morning pray'r, my evensong ; My heart and soul are thine : Insj)ire me, while I chaunt thy praise, In zealous, tho' in feeble lays And show thy power divine ! Late, while I lay a senseless mass, As dull as peasant, ox, or ass, Unworthy note and name, Melhought \\\\' fiat reached my car " Let Mr. ScRUi; be made a peer ! " And Scrub a peer became. Of such a cliange in Nature's laws What ])ow'r could be th' efiicienl cause, Interior to a (lod ? All [)ublic virtue, private worth, Conspi( uous talents, splendid birth, Alleiid the sovereign's nod.' ' In Lalin, luiuhii. 70 JN CAP AND GOWN. I'm now a Member of that Court That settles, in the last resort, The business of the nation ; Where, since I'm kicked upstairs by thee, I'll clearly prove my pedigree As old as the creation} But not omnipotence alone Adorns the owner of the throne, His attributes pass counting : Of justice, when he hangs poor knaves, Of mercy, when rich rogues he saves, He's rightly called the fountain. In part of payment for thy favours, I tender thee my best endeavours, If haply thou shalt need 'em ; Nor shall I grudge thy shirt to air, For all the bed-room Lords declare Tliy service J)e?'fect freedom. The Devils of old, as ^lilton sings. Were angry with the King of Kings, And thought he'd reigned too long : Of late the herd of Gallic swine Dar'd to deny tlie riglit Divine Of Kings to govern wrong. " Go," said the Lord, " my son, pursue This factious, diabolic crew. And on tliem pour my ire : ' " Clo-i'u. \o\x were best say tlie.se robes are not gentlemen born. Give me the lie, do ; and tr)' whether I am n'lt now a gentleman born. AittolycHS. I know you are now, sir, a gentleman born. Clo'ti'it. Ay, and have been so any time these four hours." " Winter's Tale," act. v. sc. 2. HYMN TO THE CREATOR. In hell, then, let them count their gains. There dwell in adamantine chains, And roast in penal fire ! " So didst thou send thy chosen son, With sword and bayonet and gun, French Atheism up to root ; He fought, he beat, the rebels fell ; He sent their armies all to hell Or tried at least to do't. Yield never to such fiends accursed ; Figlit on, and bid them do their worst. And if thy Commons still Shall vote thee cash, to subsidize Our trusty, firm, sincere allies, ^Vc'H not reject the bill. These trutiis, v,-hcn first we rise to speak. With voice irresolute and weak. As is the mode, we utter ; But, in tlie progress of th' oration, Enflamed with lordlike indignation At Jacobins I sputter : " My /ju/s, you'\'e heard a noble Lud \\'isely advise to slicd more blood ; l''(jr wlio that wears a star. While lujnour in this iiousc survives, \'alucs a rush plcheian lives? 1 tliLTcforc \ otc fijr war. " What, k-a\c i\clii:io;i in the lur( h ! NO: sink our coiniin^icc s ivc the L'hur( h. N'c^r spare men, moiie}', nor shiji. 72 IN CAP AND GOWN. Fresh millions after millions fling For if we lose our Church and King, What will be left to worship ? " My Luds, the reverend Peers in lawn Have laid their precious souls in pawn Upon the war's success. These wizards know a curious spell, Which, rightly used, will Heaven compel The British arms to bless. " Let every soul forbear to treat His hungry maw with drink or meat, On AVe'n'sday next till e'en ; The grumbling of our famish'd inwards {So 'tis decreed by holy Synods) Cures God Almighty's spleen." But I digress whoever wishes ' To share the treat of loaves and fishes The courtier's faith must cherish ; Which faith, unless each mother's child Keep pure and whole, and undefiled, He shall most surely j>erish ! All epithets of God to thee Belong in th' infinite degree. Just, powerful, good and wise ; And, what behoved me first to sing, As God's eternal, so the King Of England never dies. ' Quicunquc vult. HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 73 Then hymn his praise, ye chosen few, Whom he vouchsafes a nearer view Of his effulgent glory ;" Avaunt, ye Whigs ! no peace expect. For none is numbered with th' Elect, Except an arrant Tory. This faith like Vicar erst of Bray I'll hold until my dying day And persevere steadfast in ; And whoso dare gainsay or scoff The smallest particle thereof, Be damned to everlasting. Athanasii Symrolus. (Richard Porson.) 74 AV CAP AND GOWN. ON THE POPULAR PLAY OF PIZARRO. Sheridan's adaptation of Kotzebtie's stilted tragedy, "Die Spanien in Peru," was produced at Drury Lane on May 24, 1799. It ran for thirty-one nights in its first season, and the king zvcnt to see it, though he had not been to Driiry Lane for some years. It 7vas admirably acted by Mrs. Siddons and her brother, but its success 7oas mainly occasioned by the audience applying the passages referring to the zaoes of Adonteznma to George III. and his supposed ill-treattnent. The poem appeared in the " IMorning CJironicle" over the signature " Brogue.'" As I walked through the Strand so careless and gay, I met a young girl who was wheeling a barrow : "Choice fruit, Sir," said she "and a bill of the ])lay :" So my apples I bought, and set off for Fizarro. When I got to the door I was sciueez'd, and cried, " Dear me, I wonder they made the entrance so narrow ! " At last I got in, and found every one near me Was busily talking of Mr. Pizarro. Lo ! the hero appears (what a strut and a stride !) He might easily pass for a marshal Suwarrow ! And Elvira so tall, neither virgin nor bride The loving companion of gallant Pizarro. ox THE POPULAR PLAY OF PIZARRO. 7 But Elvira, alas ! turn'd so dull and so prosy Tliat I longed for a hornpipe by little Del Caro : Had I been 'mong the gods I had surely cried, " Nosy, " Come, play up a jig ; and a fig for Pizarro ! " On his wife and his child his affection to pay, Alonzo stood gazing, and straight as an arrow : Of him I have only this little to say His boots were much neater than those of Pizarro. Then the priestess and virgins, in robes white and flowing, Walked solemnly on like a sow and her farrow, And politely inform'd the whole house they were going To entreat Heaven's curses on noble Pizarro. Then at it tliey went. How they made us all stare 1-^ One groul'd like a bear, and one cliirp"d like a sparrow : I listcn'd : but all I could karn, I declare, A\'a.s, tlia: vengeance would certainly fall on Pizarro. Rolla made a fine speech with much logic and grammar. As must sure rouse the en\y of Counsellor Oarrow It would sell fur fixe pounds, were it brcjught to the hammer for it rai^"d all Peru against valiant Pizarro. four acts are tol-lol but the fifth's my delight. Where hi.-,t'ry"s traced ^vitll the pen of a \'arro ; And I'Jvira m blai k and Akjnzo in wliite, I'ut an end to the piece by killing I'izarro. 1 li'ive fmislied my son'^,'-; if it had but a tune (Nincy I),uv,-,r)ii w.Mii't do, nor tlie Sweet II, inks of N'arrow) i \o\v I woiiM .-ing il from morning liU noon S ) inarli :iiii 1 ( Ii:i.rnied v.ilii llie p!iv ol l'i/,iiTo. Pia )( ,i-|'. ( Rieii \i:ii roi;s()N.) 76 IN CAP AND GOWN. ON DR. DOUGLAS' MARRIAGE WITH MISS 3IA IN WARING. William Lort Mansel (1752-1820) cttfered Trinity Collegein 1770, and graduated as B.A. in i^l^. In 17S8 he was appointed Fnb lie Orator of the University, in 1798 Master of Trinity, and in 1808 Bishop of Bristol. However, he never resided in his diocese, and continued to make Trinity Lodge his home until his death. In the early part of his career he gained an i?nmense reptitation as aiuriter of epigrams, and never lost his quickness of repartee. In a scjirriloiis poem luritten in 1793, atid called ''' An Irregular IlyDui in Praise of the Illustrious Twenty-Seven,'" Mansel is referred to as a '^dead-hand at a dark lampoon." At a time zvhen the Heads of Houses led a jealously exclusive life, Bishop Mansel teas genial and affable, and -when a dance was itnproviscd at the Lodge would himself turn ati organ. This affability, said the envious, was due to the fact that he had three marriageable da2ighters. The 7ie.xt six pieces are from his hand. Philip Douglas entered Corptts Christi College in 1776, and took the degrees of B.A. , M.A., and D.D., respectively, in 1781, 1784, and 1795. In 1795 he was elected master of his college. Miss J\Iainwaring was the daughter of the Lady Margaret Professor of Theology. It is curious to notice how completely the title ''' Bcnc't College" has died out. It is said to hare come into use as early as the fourteenth century, Corpus Christi College being in the parish of St. Bc/ie't, and using the parish church as its chapel. The name lasted until about sixty years ago, when the correct name of the college came once mo>-c into general use. St. Paul has declared that persons though twain, In marriage united one flesh shall remain : DR. DOUGLAS' MARRIAGE. 77 But, had he been by when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing, Dr. Douglas of Bene't espoused Miss INtainwaring, The Apostle no doubt would have altered his tone, And cried, " these two splinters shall make but one bone." W, L. Mansel. 78 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE RIVAL BISHOPS. Bishop Watson built a house on the 7vest side of St. Andreiih Street., which is still knount as Llandaff House. It ivas built on the site of an inn called the ^'Bishop Blaise,'^ and these facts -were covunemorated in an epigram by IV. L. J\/ansel. Richard Watson, of Trinity College, was Second Wrangler in 1759, aiid shortly aftenvards bccaine Tutor of Trinity and Professor of Chemistry. The Regius Professorship of Divinity falling; vacant in 1771, Watson, although, as he acknowledges himself, " ivith this curta supellex in theology to take possession of the first professional chair in Europe seemed too daring an attempt even for my intrepidity," obtaincdit. If lue may judge from his ov.'n ingenuous ''Anec- dotes," Watson was an admi7'able man of business, and he particularly plumed hi?nself on the fact that although he "found the Professorship not worth f^T^'^p a year," he left it "worth ^looo at the least.'" Jle appointed Kipling, and afterwards Ra?nsden, his deputy in the Profssorship, and although he was thirty four years Bishop of Llandaff, he is said never to have visited his diocese. Projessor Pryvie says he had thi7-tecn pieces of p7-eferment, and did not live 'within a hundred miles of any of ihem. Two of a trade can ne'er agree No proverb can be juster; They've ta'en down Bisho}) Blaise, you see, And put up Bishop Bkister. W. L. Mansel. ( 79 ) lXV spra y, A Wrf.tchkdi.y Had Singin'g-Man in Trinity College Chapel, A.'roiNiKi) i;v JoH\ IIi.nchclikke, Master 176S-89, and BlSH(i[' (il- PeTEKDOROUGH, BECAUSE HE HAD A VOTE EOK lilE CufNTY ur NORTHA.Ml'TON. A >ingi;r and not sing ! How justify your patron's bounty ? I'-xcuse inc you mistake the tiling : My voice is in anotlier county. W. L. Mansei.. 8o IN CAP AND GOWN. HELL'S HOLIDAY. Henry Gordon, butler to Trinity College, served the fellows'' table with such execrable wine, that the junior fellows exerted themselves to get him removed. The seniors with great reluctance C07isented, and he was dis- missed ; but before lo?ig contrived to get himself back into his old place again. Bishop Alanscl theft wrote the following lines. They ivere given to me by Mr. J. IV. Clark, to whom they were repeated by the Rev. A'. Allott {B.A, 1805), one of the senior Fellows of Trinity College. AVhen news was brought down to the sulphurous lake That old Harry was whitewashed again and restored ; The Devils huzzaed, and got drunk for his sake, And brimstone and brandy were pushed round the board. Old Satan himself, in a voice that shook Hell, In a rapture of congratulation to all, Cried, " Courage, my lads ! since things turn out so well, I've hopes now myself of recovering my fall. " I^)Ut come, on base bumpers we've trifled too long, A liquor congenial our revels require : A liquor dark, turbulent, heady and strong, With a twang of our Styx, and our Phlegethon's fire. "Such a ferment I've by mc behold the dark juice ; It will burn tliro' our ichor, new madden our veins : 'i"ho' ])oison to mortals, it's cordial to us : To the children of sorrow damnation and pains. HELVS HOLIDAY. 8i " Behold the full hamper, in yon dusky cell : There's a liquor congenial to these dark abodes, A liquor well suiting the genius of Hell, As distant from nectar as we are from Gods." So they opened the store : it was Harry's own wine. The Devils drank deeply : grew raving, and swore That tho' used to the stench of flames, brimstone, and brine, They had ne'er tasted liquor so hellish before. W. L. Mansel. iN CAP AND GOWN. ''LAUGH AND BE FATT The following is an extract from a letter from W. L. J\Tansel to ]\[athias {author of ''Runic Odes, imitated from the Norse Tongue, in the manner of Mr. Gray" and of the "Pursuits of Literature''''), dated October 12, 1782. " "You have heard of our Emtyiamtcl Jtibilce, 710 doubt. All I can say is, that I was not invited ; so do not ask me any particulars thereof. One circumstance, however, is droll enough. During the very midst of the celebration of the jubilee, that is, while they were at the noon of eating, proposals were circulated round the table for having an engraving of the Master (Dr. Richard Farmer) struck off as soon as possible. That cir- cumstance gave rise to the following little waggery. " From IJT^ to 1797 Richard Farmer icas Master of Emmanuel College. He had a great reputatio7i for ge?iiality, and the hospitalities of Enwianuel parlour were justly celebrated. As a conversationalist lie had scarcely a rival in Cambridge ; and when Pitt came to visit his constituents, Farmer'' s presence was considered indispensable. He belonged to what Dr. Barnes called the "Shakespeare gang," and never failed to be present at the performances at the Stourbridge Theatre. Stevens, referred to in line 17, is the celebrated scholar and editor of Shakespeare^ s zvorks. At feasts of yore, the sumptuous lord, To please the pamper'd guest, Plac'd drolls and antics at his board, Whose business was to jest. Farmer, of antiquarian flower, At Mildmay's ' late repast, ' Sir \V, liter Mildmay was the founder of limmanuel College, A.I). 15S4. " LAUGH AND BE FAT" 83 To cheer the hospitable hour, Renew'd the good old taste. To make men laugh as well as eat, The merry master knew, Was doubling the luxurious treat And heartier welcome too. As to the eating part, of that Good plenty was at hand ; Twelve bucks in larder, firm and fat From good Lord Westmoreland. Melons and pines t'rom Stevens came, (Stevens himself a feast 1) Huge hampers of outlandish game. And turtles ready drest. To crown the whole with one good laugh, The master, merry elf, Hantis round j)roj)osaIs to engrave A likeness of himself. W. L. Maxsei, 84 IiV CAP AND GOWN. THE CAMBRIDGE COMMENCEMENT. The Public Comntence}7ientivas ]ield in Great St. Afar/s Chunh, until tlie completioti of the Senate House in 1730. It corresponded to the Oxford Conunemoration. Sometimes on the occasion of the commencement a speech, called a tmtsic speech, in 7vhich a good deal of licence was alloived, was delivered. Bid this zoas not the invariable custom. This poem is printed in Barker^s " A^iecdotes," ii. 39. A "pensioner" is one 7uho paid a " pensio," or rent, for rooms in college. He does not differ front the Oxford commoner. Dr. Randall was Professor of Music from 1755 to 1799. Por an explaiiation of sizar, see p. 108. A Cambridge Commencement's the time When gentlemen come for dep;rees ; And with wild-looking cousins and wives Through a smart mob of Pensioners squeeze. The music, that plays in the church, Attracts them, though f.)oiling the weather ; Like the good folks by Orpheus of old, Who sat list'ning and steaming together. Dr. Randal stuck up in the front (With the gay London fiddlers behind) Like a fine paper-punch, pulled by strings, Throws his arms and his lea:s to the wind. THE CAMBRIDGE COMMENCEMENT. 85 The pretty town misses have each Some Sizar their humble beholder, While the nymphs of the Lodge think there's nought Like a bit of gold lace on the shoulder. O'er the poor country curate that's near, How their eyes (in fine language called " killers ") They carelessly glance, till they rest On the silk gown and long nose of Villiers ! But now to the Senate in troops They perspiring and panting repair, Where the good lady President sits. Like a lobster that's boil'd, in a chair. And there the gruff doctor of physic, And tlic dark little father of law, Strctcli their liands o'er tlieir children, and there, I)ivinit\"s Lion his [)a\v. With kisses, with rings, and with hugs, The old gentlemen treat one another, Till Ijy magic of hugs they become From a son in a moment a brother. W. L. AL\x.M.!. S6 JN CAP AND GOWN. ONE HUNDRED GUINEAS REWARD. On the ^th of March, 1793, many of the yoting trees in the fcllo'vs' c;ardcn at St. John's College were destroyed, and much damage done to the bridges and walis. This being a capital crime jinder the 73 lack Act, Geo. I. c. 22, the culprits were advertised for, and a Mindred guineas offered for their apprehension. Whereupon Francis Wrangham , of Trinity Hall, wrote the following, which is Ji ere printed for the first time frojn a maiiuscript in the important collection of University papers bequeathed to the Library by William Webb, D.D., Master of Clare Hall 1815-1856. When Brunswick's proud duke, in his errand to France, Led the Austrians and Prussians and Russians a dance, He thought to win over the stout sans-culottcs By kindly engaging to cut all their throats ; So the Johnians their bridges most wickedly mangled, And delicate sucklings atrociously strangled, Invite the sly culprit who did the Black Act To swing on a gallows by owning the fact. Francis Wrangham. C 87 ; MAPS. '^ jMaps^' 7ias to be seen every day going from room to room luilh a load of books, and shouting ''Maps! " to herald lis arrival. lie is said to have died in the year 1796, and was suc- ceeded in his business by his son, 'vho gave up the na)ne of JMafs for the fnore prosaic appellation ''Nicholson." His portrait 7vas placed in the University Library, at the suggestion of Dr. Farmer. lie 7uas the subject of the I'ripos verses for 17S1. I'he lines loe quote belo7u can pretend to no sort of I'teiwy merit ; but they are interesting, as they trcall to mind one of the eccentric characters of the last century. ^laTTS ai'TOV KaXiovcn Oeot, ui/8pes 8e l^i^oXcrov. Sxoi'.s call him Nicliolson ! JMebcian name, W'liich ne'er would hand a Snobite down to fame ; r.ut to posterity lic'll go, perhai)s Since Oranta's classic sons have dubbed him Maps. 88 IN CAP AND GOWN. ''TO THE SCHOLLERS OF SAINCT JOHN HIS college:' The following appeared ill the '' Gentlt/uari's Magazine^' for 1796. An attempted e.xplanation of the expression '^ Johnian S-vine''^ -ivill he found in the Introduction. Chelsea, January 3. Mr. Urban, Perusing a very old and, I believe, also a very scarce little book of epigrams, written by one Master James Johnstone, clerk, printed anno 1613, I, the other day, found the following feu a'esprit against the Cambridge Johnian hogs. If you approve of its insertion, your university readers may perhaps be pleased with perceiving your judicious correspondent W. Williams's assertion corroborated with regard to the antiquity of the appellation. AxTiiON'Y Hrs. Ye Johnishe men, that have no other care, Save onehe for such foode as ye prepare, To gorge your foule poUuted trunks withall ; Meere Swinic ye bee, and such your actyons all ; Like themme ye runne, such be yourc leaden pace. Nor soule, nor reasonne, shynethe in your lace. ( S9 ) ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST-DA Y. T/ic folIoT^'inq odd is reprinted from the ^^ Spirit of the Public Jotirnals'''' (1799). In every college Coiniiicinoration Day, on zvhick prayers and thanks are offered to the pious founders and benefactors, concludes 7,'it/i a ''fast " in Hall. The term ^^ gyp," to denote a college servant, is said to be derived from yv^, a vulture. I, Hark ! heard ye not yon footsteps dread, That sliook tlie liall, witli tluind'ring tread? W'itli eac:cr haste The J''e]Io\v;s jAiss'd ; ]".ach, iiitent on (hrcful wcjrk, High Hfts his migluy blade, and points his deadly fork. II. Hut hark ! the portals sound, and pacing forth, \\"\\.\\ steps, alas, too slow. The C(;l]ege (Jyps, of high illustrious worth. With all the dishes, in long order go : In the midst a form (li\ine Appears, the faiivd Sirloin ; And s()(;n, with ])lums and glory rrown'd, Aliiii;_;hty pudding sheds its sweets around, ilcnrd )c the din of dinner bray? Knife to fork, ;m(l fork to knife ; L'nmunber'd heroes in the glorious strife, 'i'liri/ fiih, lle:ih, pies ami puddings, < ut th.eir destin'd wa\'. 90 IN CAP AND GOWN. Sec, beneath the mighty blade, Gor'd with many a ghastly wound, Low the fam'd sirloin is laid, And sinks in many a gulph profound. Arise, arise, ye sons of glory ! Pies and puddings stand before ye. See the ghost of hungry bellies Point at yonder stand of jellies ; While such dainties arc beside ye, Snatch the goods the gods provide ye ; Mighty rulers of the state. Snatch before it is too late ; For, swift as thought, the puddings, jellies, pies, Contract their giant bulk, and shrink to pigmy size. IV. From the table now retreating, All around the fire they meet, And, with wine, the sons of eating Crown at length their mighty treat. Triumphant Plenty's rosy graces Sparkle in their jolly faces; And mirth and cheerfulness is seen In each countenance serene. Fill high the sparkling glass And drink th' accustomed toast ; Drink deep, ye mighty host, And let the bottle pass. Begin, begin the jovial strain ; Fill, fill the mystic bowl, And drink, and drink, and drink again ; For drinking fires the soul. ODE ON A COLLEGE FEAST-DAY. 91 But soon, too soon, with one accord they reel ; Each on his seat begins to nod ; All-conquering Bacchus' pow'r they feel, And pour libations to the jolly god. At length, with dinner and with wine oppress'd, Down in their chairs they sink and give themselves to rest. 92 IN CAP AND GOWN. A BACCHANALIAN SONG. The foUoiving song appca7-cd in the '''Morning Chi-oniclc " in iSoo, and may be from the hand of Porsoti, ofw/iom, zvitli the exception of the last verse, it is by no means unworthy. Come, ye good college lads, and attend to my lays, I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books ; For all you get by it is mere empty praise, Or a poor meagre fellowship and sallow looks. Chorus. Then lay by your books, lads, and never repine ; And cram not your attics AVith dry mathematics, l!ut moisten your clay with a bumper of wine ! The first of mechanics was old Archimedes ^Vho played with Rome's ships as he'd play cup-and-ball ; To play the same game, I can't see where the need is Or why we should fag mathematics at all ! Chorus I'hen lay by your books, lads, etc. A BACCHANALIAN SONG. 93 III Great Newton found out the Binomial Law, To raise x-\-y to the power of b ; Found the distance of planets that he never saw, And what we most probably never shall see. Chorus Then lay by your books, lads, etc. IV. Let Whiston and Ditton star-gazing enjoy, And taste all the sweets mathematics can give ; Let us for our time find a better employ And knowing life's sweets let us learn how to live. Chorus Then lay by your books, lads, etc. These men ex ahsurdo conclusions may draw ; Pcrjjctual motion they never could find : Not one of tlic set, lads, could balance a straw And longitude-seeking is hunting the wind. Chorus Then lay by your books, lads, etc. VI. If wc study at all, let us study tlie means To make ourselves friends, and keep them when made ; Learn to value the blessings kind Heaven ordains 'W) make other men happy, let that be our trade. Chorus. Let each day l)e better than eacli day before ; Without pain or sorr(jw 'I'o-day or to-morrow, May wc li\"e, my good lads, to see many days more .' 94 i^ CAP AND GOWN. ON E. D. CLARKE. Edward Daniel Clarke, felloxv atid tutor ofjcsiis College, took his B.A. degree in 1790, and that of Al.A. in 1794. While an undergraduate lie failed to distinguish himself and it was only after several years had been spent by him as a travelling tutor that the powers of his mind became recognized. Betiueen 1799 a7id 1802 he travelled through Scandinavia, Russia, Greece, and Palestine, and returned to Cambridge with an immense reputation and a vast collection of plants, manuscripts, nmterals, and statues, amotig which was the so-called Ceres, referred to in the epigram on p. 98. In 1808 he was made Professor of Mineralogy, and became at once the most popular of lecturers. Though those atjiong his listeners 7i>ko had studied the subject often found him tripping, his cnthu- siastn and eloquence placed him out of the reach of ci-iticism. He luas never a profound scholar or an accurate observer, but he had an ardour lor iiscellaneous knowledge which amoutited to ^^ literary heroism," and a faculty for being interested in all topics which, though dangerous, 7i'as at least fascinating. On. one occasion he pu7-chased and exhibited at the University Library a picture luhich he asserted to be a portrait of Shake- speare, but which contunsseurs at once decided to be a forgery. 0)i another occasion he constructed, out of the bones of mice and rats wliich lie found at the bottom of a well, an attimal which he said 7vas a " Jerboa mouse,'" hut which never existed outside his imagination. The foUo-wing lines sufjlcicntly hit off his brilliant style of lecturing ami his schoolboy passion for any odds and ends which could be denominated " curiosities. " Tliey are frequently attributed to William Smyth, of Petcrhouse, who from 1807 to 1S49 "^'-''^^ Professor of Modern History. They air printed herefrom a manuscript in the possession of Mr. J. W. Clark. Of the statue of Ceres referred to in the ninth stanza, something is said in the next poem. 7 he " Cor/>s"' 7L'as a 7vl//nteer corps, consisting of maitbers of the University, 7i'hich 7i. 1 allii I0--I '. W li' II >trai^lil, w hiar'rr |iroIiailril it i^ xjtii. !; -till lie- evenly its ])ninls lietween. loo I.V CAP AND GOWN. from, or decline any situation, where your exertions will be essentially useful to any of your fellow-creatures. Indeed, should you lend a favourable ear to this petition, you will render the Society, on whose behalf I have the honour to address you, a most important service. Finding, Sir, no one among us worthy of being elected President, we humbly beseech you to accept the vacant chair. Two weighty reasons determined our choice; first, the facility your number of heads must afford you of solving Problems ; and secondly, the quantity of tea, w^hich, in a given time, you must be able to imbibe. These are perfec- tions, which no one, but yourself, possesses, by the aid of which, I doubt not, at the expiration of three years, to sec elevated to the grand pre-eminence of Incomparabilis. We have. Sir, hastily thrown together a few rules and regulations, which, should they not coincide with your ideas, we shall be very happy to correct. At a general meeting of the members of the Under- graduate Mathematicians, the following resolutions were unanimously agreed to. Rcsok'cd I. That no beverage be allowed but tea, excepting on our Anniver- sary, when cofTee will be added ; it being our fixed and unalterable opinion, that these, properly speaking, are the only exhilarating liquors. Resolved II. That each Member wear, on the days of assembly, a coat at least 3 years old, adorned with white metal l)Utt(jns having the letters (^.E.D. engraved on them, as that is ultimately the Focus to wdiich all our labours converge. Resolved III. If it can be clearly demonstrated, that any Member has his coat made in Bond-street, he shall be immediately considered an evanescent quantity, and no longer accounted a member of our body. Resolved IV. Any Member, who shall be seen too frequently disguised in THE SOCIETY OF MATIIEMATICIAXS. loi clean linen, shall, for each separate offence, be prohibited the use of scrilibling paper for one week. Kesohl book of Euclid rampant. Resolved \TII. That p.o Member shall be excused attendance, unless it can be ( iearly proved, that he is actually engaged in scholastic avocations. Kesolvcd IX. That tlic Secretary do submit tlie above to Mr. Hydra Poly- repliahi^ fur lii> inspection, humbly beseeching him to accept the vacant I hair, and to receive us umler liis protection. Should our L:o(jd stars so befriend us, as to enroll us beneath \our l)anner ; should we be so favoured, as to l)e placed under the same 7'iiicidiim with you ; I, Sir, toixether with my brethren, should consider it, as the greatest blessing in rjur existence. \\'hat a satisfaction will it be, what an infinite series of delight, to pore over your problems, to .ittend your solutions, and to attempt to imitate, as far as lie^ in our ])0\ver, that hicidiis onlo, which doubtless must diverge from the author of the Oalvanist. 1 ;im. Sir, with every sentiment of esteem and respect, \'our most obedient .\. si:(Ri:TAK\\ An unknuwn. though if \-ou please, a constant 4iianlity. JN CAP AND GOWN. DEDICA riON. " Phaebe fave, novus ingreditur tua tenipla saccrdos."' This bilic;-!)' satiric dedication to JllaascI, fo7- vliom see above, f. 76, is taken fro7?i " A Fe-i> Verses, English and J.atin," Svo, London, 1812. 7 hey roere li'ritten by Edward Sinedley, M.A., of Trinity College, J^.A. 1809. He was afterwards elected to a fellowship at Sidney Colleg-, and died young. Hail ! arbiters profound of knowledge, All-sapient autocrats of college ! Hail each ! but chiefly hail to thee, Model of mitred dignity ! Hail ! " God-knows-most-unworthy Peer," Right-reverend lover of small beer ; The churchman's shame, the scholar's scorn. Lampoon, and Epigram in lawn ! Ne'er was by silken apron hidden More precious stock of fruit forbidden. Ne'er lurk'd the pious robe within iSIore full epitome of sin. Proceed, great patron of us all, In virtues right episcopal : Friendship, a play of words witli thee, Sincerity, Vijcit tf esprit ; Thy love of God, the love of siller, Thy daily manual, Joe Miller. DEDICA TIO.V. 103 Proceed, and may your glories close On the same stage where first they rose ; Feel, ere you yield your parting breath, The ruling passion strong in death ; And, mindful of your speeches past. Make from a cart your best and last ! Edward Smedlev. 104 ^y CAP AND GOWK JOHN I A N MEL ODIES. About 1814 there -were current in Cambridge a number of ]e\\y. d'espiit i ailed Johnian Melodies, luritten in imitation of Tom Moore. Tlie follow- ing is quoted in " jYofes and Queries " ist series, xii. 319. It is addressed io a fello7v-commoner, who would, of course, dine at the high table. Tlie president referred to is Rez'. fames Wood, afterwards master (1815-39), a position in which lie was succeeded by Ralph Tatham. Sir Isaac is Sir Isaac Pennins,ton, ojie of tlic senior fellows and dicgius Professor oj Jfcdicine (1793-1S17) ; and Hopper the bed-maker. When in hall you go to dine, O take your seat by tlie President's chair ; Tell him I'm going to Tatham's wine, And hope to meet Sir Isaac there, l^id him not set me an imposition, l'"or cutting his lectures this morning at eiglit : For Hopper swears with deep contrition, She called me half an hour too late. loS ) THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY A COLLEGE EXAMINATION. Lord Byron entered Trinity in 1805, and Jiaving been absent from liis allege for a year, finally left in i S08. He did not pay inueli attention to t lie studies oj I lie University, and -u'as chiefly notable for the irregularities of his conduct. lie seems to have had as great a contempt for the Unii'ersity to 7,.t of France : IN CAP AND GOWN. Though marvelhng at the name of Magna Charla, Yet well he recollects the laws of Sparta : Can tell what edicts sage Lycurgus made, While Blackstone's on the shelf neglected laid ; Of Grecian dramas vaunts the deathless fame, Of Avon's bard remembering scarce the name. Such is the youth whose scientific pate Class-honours, medals, fellowships await ; Or even perhaps the declamation prize, If to such glorious heights he lifts his eyes. But lo ! no common orator can hope The envied silver cup within his scope. Not that our heads much eloquence require, Th' Athenian's glowing style, or Tully's fire. A manner clear or warm is useless, since We do not try by speaking to convince. Be other orators of pleasing proud : We speak to please ourselves, not move the crowd Our gravity prefers the muttering tone, A proper mixture of the squeak or groan : No borrowed grace of action must be seen, The slightest motion would displease the Dean ; Whilst every staring graduate would jjrate Against what he could never imitate. The man wlio hopes to obtain the promised cup, Must in one posture stand, and ne'er look up, Nor stop, but rattle over every word No matter what, so it can not be heard. Thus let him hurry on, nor think to rest ; Who speaks the fastest's sure to sjjeak tlie best ; Who utters most within the shortest space May safely hope to win the wordy race. A COLLEGE EXAMJNATIOX. 107 The sons of science these, who, thus repaid, Linger in ease in Granta's sluggish shade ; AVhere on Cam's sedgy bank supine they He Unknown, unhonoured Hve, unwept for, die. Dull as the i)ictures which adorn their halls. They think all learning fix'd within their walls ; In manners rude, in foolish forms precise, All modern arts affecting to despise ; Yet prizing Bentley's, Brunck's, or Porson's note, More than the verse on which the critic wrote ; Vain as their honours, heavy as their ale. Sad as their wit and tedious as their tale ; To friendship dead, though not untaught to feel When Self and Church demand a bigot zeal. With eager haste they court the lord of power. Whether 'tis Pitt or Petty rules the hour ; To him, with suppliant smiles, they bend the head, U'hile distant mitres to their eyes are spread. But sliould a storm o'crwhelm him with disgrace, TheyVl lly to seek the next who filled his place. Such are the men who learning's treasures guard ! Such is their practise, such is their reward ! This nuich at least we may presume to say Tlie premium can"t exceed the [)ricc they jjay. LOKU l]VRr)X. i,So6. io8 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE SIZARS TABLE. The follcninng verses are said to have been 7iiritten by Williaiii JVilson Todd, of St. yolnis. between 1822 and 1826. Todd 7vas a sizar at the time. Charles Simeon, of King's College {B.A. 1783), who is referred to in line 8, was Vicar of Trinity Church, Cambridge. When first appointed to the living he met with a storm of opposition, on account of his evangelical tendencies. For ma>iy years his church, and the streets in its neighbourhood, 7i'ere the scene of the utmost disorder. The tiltra- pious members of the University -who suppo7-ted him luere called " Simeonites,'^ or " Sims." A sizar is a student who is admitted to the L'i:iversity at lo7in, i l.ilf overjoyed, and half in dudgeon, "Xow \(ju iii;i\- |i:iss; but niike no fu-s, ( )n li|)tfie \v;ilk, and hold your prate.'' ' book on the stones, old ("erbenis,'' ( 'ried 1 larrw a^ he ])assed the gate ; I've dropped a shilling -lake the light; \'(ni"ll find it jii->t outside good lught." Ii6 IN CAP AND GOWN. Behold the porter in his shirt, Cursing the rain, which never stopped. Groping and raking in the dirt, And all without success ; but that Is hardly to be wondered at, Because no shilling had been dropped ; So he gave o'er the search at last, Regained the door and found it fast ! With sundry oaths and growls and groans, He rang once twice and thrice ; and then, Mingled with giggling, heard the tones Of Harry mimicking old Ben. " Who's there? 'Tis really a disgrace To ring so loud I've locked the gate I know my duty 'tis too late You wouldn't have me lose my place ? " "Pshaw! Mr. Dashington ; remember This is the middle of November ; I'm stripped ; 'tis raining cats and dogs." " Hush, hush ! " quoth Hal \ " I'm fast asleep : ' And then he snored as loud and deep As a whole company of hogs. " But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance At the same rate I paid myself." " Nay, master, leave me half the pittance," Replied the avaricious elf " No ; all or none a full acquittance ; The terms, I know, are soinewhat high ; But you have fixed the price, not I. I won't take less I can't afford it;" So, finding all his haggling vain, Ben, with an oath and groan of pain. Drew out the guinea and restored it. THE COLLEGIAN AND THE FORTEK. 117 "Surely you'll give me," growled th' outwitted Porter when again admitted, "Something, now you've done your joking, For all this trouble, time, and soaking." " Oh I surely, surely," Harry said, "Since, as you urge, I broke your rest. And you're half-drowned and quite undress'd, I'll give you leave to go to bed ! " N. M. M. ii8 IX CAP AND GOWN. CA MB RID GE UNI VER SIT \ \ Utrum IIorum. a Camisridge Ballad. In 1826 Sir J. Singleton Copley and Visionnt rahncrston7i nkes, accustomed mucli to roam, riay.> with Truth a traveller's pranks ; G--lb rn, though lie stays at home. Travels thus .'is much as B nkes. Ch(X)se between them, Cambridge, pra}- ; AVhich is weakest, Cambridge, say. Once, we know, a horse's neigh l-'ix'd th' election to a throne ; So, whichever hrst shall bray, Choose him, Cambridge, f(jr thy own. ('ho'xse him, choose him by his bray ; rhu> elect him, Cambridge, [)ray. IN CAP AND GOWN. THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP TO CAMBRIDGE. A\ Election Ballad. (1S27.) In 1827 Mr. IV. y. Bankcs, who had already been the University' s representative in one Parliaine7it , came fo^'ward again as the chavipio7i of Protestantism, avowing his '^ full concurrence with those who apprehend danger to the Protestant Establishment by any further concessions to the Catholics." He was opposed by Sir Nicholas Titidal, afterwards Chief Justice of the Conunon Pleas, by whom he was defeated by loi votes. Apropos of this election, T. B. Macaulay, who two years previously had graduated as M.A., wrote " The Coicntry Cletgymaft's Trip to Cambridge. " As I sate down to breakfast in state, At my living of Tithing-cum-Boring, With Betty beside me to wait, Came a rap that almost heat the door in. I laid down my basin of tea, And Betty ceased spreading the toast, " As sure as a gun, sir," said she, " That must be the knock of the post." A letter and free bring it here I have no correspondent who franks. No ! Yes ! Can it be ? ^Vhy, my dear, 'Tis our crlorious, our Protestant Bankes. THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP. i " Dear sir^ as I know you desire That the Church should receive due protection, I humbly presume to require Your aid at the Cambridge election. " It has lately been brought to my knowledge, That the Ministers fully design To suppress each cathedral and college, And eject every learned divine. To assist this detestable scheme Three nuncios from Rome are come over ; They left Calais on Monday by steam, And landed to dinner at Dover. " An army of grim Cordeliers, Well furnished with relics and vermin, ^Vill follow, Lord Westmoreland fears. To effect wliat their chiefs may determine. Lollards' Tower, good authorities say. Is again fitting up for a prison ; And a wood-merchant told me to-day 'Tis a wonder how faggots have risen. ' The finance scheme of Canning contains A new Eastur-offering tax ; And he means to devote all tlie gains 'lb a bounty on thumb-screws and racks. N'our living, so neat and com[)act Pray, don't let tlie news give you j)ain ! Is j.rcjinised, I know for a fact, 'l'(j an (jlive-faced I'adre from Spain." 1 read, and I felt my lieart bleed, Sore w(junded with horror and pity : ly CAP AND GOlViY. So I flew, with all possible speed, To our Protestant champion's committee. True gentlemen, kind and well-bred ! No fleeing ! no distance ! no scorn ! They asked after my wife who is dead. And my children who never were born. They then, like high-principled Tories, Called our sovereign unjust and unsteady, And assailed him with scandalous stories. Till the coach for the voters was ready. That coach might be well called a casket Of learning and brotherly love : There were parsons in boot and in basket, There were parsons below and above. There were Sneaker and Griper, a pair Who stick to Lord jMulesby like leeches ; A smug chaplain of plausible air, AVho writes my Lord Goslingham's speeches. 1 )r. l]uzz, who alone is a host, \\'ho, witli arguments weighty as lead. Proves six times a week in the Post That flesh somehow differs from bread. Dr. Ximrod, whose orthodox toes Are seldom witlidrawn from tlic stirrup ; Dr. Humdrum, whose eloquence flows, Like droppings of sweet po[)py syrup ; Dr. Rosygill puffing and f.inning, And wiping away perspiration ; Dr. Humbug, who proved Mr. Canning The beast in St. John's Revelation. A layman can scarce form a notion Of our wonderful talk on the road ; THE COUNTRY CLERGYMAN'S TRIP. 12 Of the learning, the wit, and devotion Which almost each syllable showed : Why divided allegiance agrees So ill with our free constitution ; How Catholics swear as they please. In hope of the priest's absolution. How the Eishop of Norwich had bartered His faith for a legate's commission ; How Lyndhurst, afraid to be martyr'd, Had stooped to a base coalition ; How Papists are cased from compassion l!y bigotry, stronger than steel ; How burning would soon come in fcishion. And how very bad it must feel. ^^'e were all so much touclicd and excited V>\ a sulijert '^o dircly sublime, Thai the rules (jf politeness were slighted, And we all of us talked at a time ; And in l(jnes, whi( h each moment grew louder. Told how we should dress f jr the show, And where we should fasten the powder, And if we sliould bellow or wo. 'i'hus from subject to subject we ran, A)i 1 the jfjurney passed pleasantly o'er, Till III la>l Dr. Jlumdrum began ; brom ihal time I reinemb(_:r no more. At W'lU'e he coiiinieiii ed his prelection, 111 tile dullest oft lei'ica! droiies ; And wlieii ne\l 1 reL-'utied w^ ollcciion V\ e weie nuiiblir ;^ o'er 'l'i"U!iipin^lon stones. Lot: I) MA(Ari.AV. 124 IN CAP AND GOWN. TIMBUCTOO. W. M. Thachci-ay'' s coimccticit ivith " The Snob,'" of which ehfen imnibcrs were published in Cambridge in 1829, const itnted his first literary 7'cnture. According to the " Tatler in Cambridge" (1871), " The Snob" was 'written by Thackeray, Letsom, and perhaps Brookfield. Thackeray probably wrote nothing before " Ti/nbuctoo," a good-humoiired ridicule of Alfred Tennyson^ s poem, ivhich gained the Chancellor's English Medal in 1829. In the first edition of " The Snob " this tvas signed T., and in the next mimber, among the '''Replies to Correspondents," we read these wojds, " IVe shall be glad to hear from T. again," pointing, perhaps, to the fact that Thackeray xvas a neiu contributor. To the later numbers oj the same periodical he contributed vmch. " To Genevieve" he acknow- ledges : -i'hile he claims for himself the credit of the jocular advertisement, " Sidney Sussex College. Wanted, a few freshmen ; please apply at the Viuttery." With the editor'' s aid, he wrote the whole of No. 8 iti five hours. To THE Editor of the "Snob." Sir, Though your name be "Snob," I trust you will not refuse this tiny " Poem of a Gownsman," which was unluckily not finished on the day appointed for delivery of the several copies of verses on Timbuctoo. I thought. Sir, it would be a pity that such a poem should be lost to the world ; and conceiving the Snob to be the most widely circulated ])eriodicaI in Europe, I have taken the liberty of submitting it for inser- tion or approbation, I am, Sir, yours, etc., etc., etc. T. TIxMBUCTOO. Tart I. 'ihe In Africa (a quarter of the world) Mtu.ition. ^j^jgj^'g skins are black, their hair is crisp and curl'd ; And somewhere there, unknown to ])ublic view, A mighty city lies, called Timbuctoo. TIMBUCTOO. 125 The There stalks the tiger, there the lion roars,- 5 history. Who somctimes eat the luckless blackamoors : All that he leaves of them the monster throws To jackals, vultures, dogs, cats, kites, and crows : His hunger thus the forest monster gluts, And then lies down 'neath trees called cocoa-nuts. 10 ihe lion- Quick issue out, with musket, torch, and brand, The sturdy blackamoors, a dusky band ! The beast is found, pop goes the musketoons, The lion falls, covered with horrid wounds. Their At home their lives in pleasure always flow, 15 home. l!ut many have a different lot to know ! Abro:id. They're often caught and sold as slaves, alas ! R;tic(- Thus men from highest joys to sorrow pass. th'c'f 're- ^'ct though thy monarchs and thy nobles boil "'"''''' Rack and molasses in Jamaica's isle ! 20 I )esolate Afric, thou art lovely yet ! ! One heart yet beats, that ne'er shall thee forget. W'liat though tliy maidens are a blackish brown. Docs virtue dwell in whiter breasts alone? 0\\ no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no ! 25 It shall not, must not, cannot, e'er be so. The day shall come when A]I)ion's self shall feel Stern Afric's wrath, and writhe 'neath Afric's steel. I see her tribes the hill of glory mount, And sell llieir sugars on their own account ; 30 While round lier throne the prostrate nations ((une. Sue for her rice and barter for her rum. 32 \\'. M. Tii.\cixi:r w . I,:n. , I, 2. Sr- Ciitlirir"-, ( Irocn-a] ihy. Til'- -i'c '\ TiiLliUi'toi) i^ ilor.liUal ; l!i'' :uitIiMr li.is iirally c'\])ii;s>c' i t!i: i.'! ! !: ) ' III, a I tin; -,anic time lM'. iiii; li^ >'>ni(.- -li^^lil hiiu^ i\'la1i\''- !'. I' , -it lali'iii. I.iiu V .S', II la'.'.- -'Ilohuih ari'Li iiuiiix. ' 126 IN CAP AND GOWN. Line 8. Thus Apollo (\(jOpia TfVXf KViffCTlV OiwvoKTi. re iracrt. Lines 5-10. How skilfully introduced are the animal and vegetable productions of Africa ! It is worthy to remark the various garments in which the poet hath clothed the lion. lie is called, first, the lion ; second, the monster (for he is very large) ; and third, the forest monarch, which undoubtedly he is. Lines 11-14. The author confesses himself under peculiar obliga- tions to Denham's and Clapperton's travels, as they suggested to him the spirited description contained in these lines. Line 13. " I'op goes the musketoons." A learned friend suggested "bang," as a stronger expression; but, as African gunpowder is noto- riously bad, the author thought "pop " the better word. Lines 15-18. A concise but affecting description is here given of the domestic habits of the people the infamous manner in which they are entrapped and sold as slaves is described and the whole ends with an appropriate moral sentiment. The poem might here finish, but the spirit of the bard penetrates the veil of futurity, and from it cuts oft a bright piece for the hitherto unfortunate Africans, as the following beautiful lines amply exemplify. It may, perhaps, be remarked that the author has here " changed his hand;" he answers that it was his intention so to do. Before it was his endeavour to be elegant and concise ; it is now his wish to be enthusiastic and magnificent. He trusts the reader will perceive tlie aptness with which he hath changed his style ; when he narrated the facts he was calm, when he enters on prophecy he is fervid. The enthusiasm which he feels is beautifully expressed in lines 25, 26. He thinks he has very successfully imitated, in the last six lines, the best manner of Mr. Pope, and in lines 12-26 the pathetic elegance uf the author of "Australasia" and ".Vthens." The author cannot conclude without declaring that his aim in writing this poem will be fully accomplished, if he can infuse into the breasts of Englishmen a sense of the danger in which they lie. Ves Africa ! If he can awaken one particle of sympathy for thy sorrows, of love for thy land, of admiration for thy virtue, he shall sink into the grave with the proud consciousness that he has raised esteem wliere before there was contempt, and has kindled the flame of hoj)e on the mouldering ashes of despair. ( 127 ) THE PROCTOR. ' The Snob''' zi'as succeeded by " The Goii'iisniaii" of ivhich seventeen 7iu>nbers icere issued between A''oveiber $, 1S29, and February 25, 1830. In the conduct of this journal, too, Thackeray is said to have had a con- siderable share. A li'riter in the " Athenaeum^' for fanuaty i, 1887, states that his contributions Zi'e7'e signed 6. If this be the case, the majority of them a)-e of little merit. The best, " I''d be a 7adpole," is printed below. Anthony Tivlloje see//ts half inclined to attribicte the dedication of " The GozKinsma?i'' to Thackeray. It runs as follo-ws : " To ail Pr'iCLOi.i, past, ])re.scnt, and future, ^Vllc).>c taste it is our privilege to follow, \\'ho of " The Tivetor,^' whith apl^eared in A'o. 9, is un- rnoTi'H. " Tarmeno. At non novi hominus faciem. Tamphilus. \\. faciani ut noveris : Maijnus, rubicundus, crispus, era>sus, caesius ' ( aduvcro-a facie. Tarmeno. 1 )ii ilium perduint. '" Tkk. Who is it, tlial \villt biill-dogs two, With ljra~s-l)(jiind l)0(;k, and cloak of l)liic, Is capped oil .Sundays hy a friC I The I'roctor. ' (niad feli. oculo, hal.ra-. 128 IN CAP AND GOWN. Who is't in bands and silk so fine, Is seen about soon after nine, Like glow-worm doomed at night to shine ? The Proctor. Who was it when I doused a glim, Dispatched to catch me bull-dog Jem, And begged that I would call on him ? The Proctor. Who was it too, when sporting hat On Queen's bridge rails one night I sat, Just asked my name no more than that? The Proctor. Who was it, when a row began. Between the Snobs and Gownsmen ran, And seized me, as I floored a man ? The Proctor. And wlicn I bribed with half-a-dollar The bull-dog to let go my collar, Who was it run and beat me hollow ? The Proctor. And when he caught me, asked my name, Who was it found I could die game ? (For I kicked his shins and made him lame,) The Proctor. Who was it of this aggravation Before the Vice laid accusation, ^Vho kindly sentenced rustication ? The Proctor. THE PROCTOR. 129 A\'ho was it, when Degree was near, By frowning looks taught me to fear He meant to harass me ? oh dear ! The Proctor. Who was it said, " Sir, if you please, I'll trouble you to pay your fees, A\'e never trust for no degrees " ? The Proctor. Who after all this long delay. Examination, lots to pay. Declined to make me a B.A. And tlien got licked that very day ? The Proctor. m CAP AND GOWN. AN ELEGY. Written in the IvOnc. Vacation. This poem appeared in N^o. ii (?/"" Tlie Ga-iOnsinan.'^ The vacant streets proclaim the ^'parting day," The loaded coaches setting off, you see, The gownsman homeward bends his joyous way, And leaves the college and the town to me. No wine, no supper-parties glad the sight ; O'er all the court a solemn stillness reigns ; Save where some gambling Gyps o'er skittles fight, When Fortune robs them of their easy gains. Save that at intervals from yonder tow'r You hear some moping (juestionist complain, Condemned to toil thro' many a weary hour O'er Newton, Smith and " Calculus " again. (Haply the Porter or some Cyj) may say, " Oft have we seen him at tlie break of dawn, Brushing with hasty steps the dew away. And take his seedy walk across the lawn.") AN ELEGY. j All else is hushed ! the spider here has made His web o'er books in many a mould'ring heap ; And on the shelf till next October laid, Euclid and Wood and Aristotle sleep ! TOGATUS. 132 JX CAP AND GOWN. MODERN SONGS. No. 5. Air'-'' I'd be a Initterfly." I'd be a tadpole, born in a puddle, Where dead cats, and drains, and water-rats meet ; There under a stone I so snugly would cuddle, With some other tad which was pretty and sweet. I'd never seek my poor brains for to muddle, With thinking why I had no toes to my feet ; But under a stone I so snugly would cuddle With some other tad as was pretty and sweet. If I could borrow the wand of a fairy, I'd be a fish and have beautiful fins- But yet in this puddle I'm cleanly and airy, I'm washed by the waiters and cool'd by the winds ! Fish in a pond must be watchful and wary. Or boys will catch them with worms and hooked pins. I'll be a tadpole, cleanly and airy, ^Vashed by the waters and wiped by the winds. What though you tell me each black little rover Dies in the sun when the puddle is dry, Do you not think that when it's all over With my best friends I'll be happy to die ? MODERN SONGS. Some may turn toads with great speckled bellies, Swim in the gutter, or spit in the road ; ril stay a tadpole, and not, like them fellers, Be one day a tad and another a toad. e. W. M. Thackeray. 134 J^ CAP AND GOWN. An Anglo-Sapphic Ode, dedicated (with Frencli leave) to Robert Mackintosh Beverley, Esq., entitled The Friend of Veracity 'crsus The Lie-Grinder, being a Burlesque Imitation of Mr. Canning's Stanzas, The Friend of Humanity and the Knife- Grinder. Not by a Can-ning, l)ut a Can-tab. Cambridge. iS33- III 1833, the notorious Mr. R. AT. Beverley 7iridge, and the luriter voas finally silenced by Professor Sedgiviclc's ''Four Letters to the Editor of tlie Leeds Mercury.'" Tlie follo-iving lines appeared in the form of a pamphlet. PREFACE. In the ensuing stanzas, the writer is fully aware that he has fallen far short of the elegant example which he has AN ANGLO-SAFPHIC ODE. 135 attempted to copy, but he nevertheless hopes that the reader will make all possible allowances for the attempt. He has not made the Lie-grinder answer the Friend of Veracity^ because he did not exactly see what the former could say in his defence, considering that the poor mail's conscience must be by this time, or at least ought to be, sufficiently burdened by ruminating on his bouncing hyper- boles. We must suppose that the sharpness of his cuts at the university is all owing to the goodness of his grindstone. THE FRIEND OF VERACFFY VERSUS THE LIE-GRIXDER. Friend of Veracity. Sll.I,^ Lie-^rindcr, wIkii liave you been doing? ( Ircal i.-i tlic scrape your pen has got you into, 1)lci) ^^'''-' '""' threats : your head has got a crack in't, So liave your brains, Sir. Dirty I .ie-grinder, -little tliouglit the ("antabs, \\\\{) in their gowns walk for a Constitutif.m- al. that a bi[)ed in the human form ecjuld Write such a pamph.let. 'I eh ine. I.ie-^grinder, Ikjw came \u\\ U) write such la' ^ aL'aiu.-it Cambridge? was it out of spite? or Wa. It in hopes of sharing in the L'ni- versit}' plunder? ' !'' .:. ;> Mr. \',i\vx\v\ h-ipe In Invi' a, lire of I 'niv-cr-ity iiropcvl \-, ;.! r.;:i |.|rv;;il on llir [)im],1i; (,f rji-I;iii( 1 l(j put an cinl lo tlin.c nrvci- i -pia: -fl-iiio'iU^li iii~lilutioa~. 136 IN CAP AND GOWN Was it from spite ? or sense of unrevenged wrongs ? Did some old Don tyrannically use you ? Master or Tutor, Moderator or Vice- Chancellor? Eh, Sir? Was it the Dean, for not attending chapel ? Or the Pro-proctor finding you in mischief? Or did your Tutor put you out of Sizings, Absent at Lecture ? Did you the night-capped citizens awaken, Night after night drunk, did you break the lamps, and Hope to escape (you votary oi Libe?-^) Proctorization ? INIack ! I maintain {7/1 maculate"' we are, for No Robert Whig Mack Beverley, Esquire, now Kicks up a row, gets drunk, or flanks a tandem Whip out of window. Pie not deceived by Beverley's aspersions ; Send all your sons to Eton or to Rugby ; Afterwards, parents, pray take my advice, and Send them to Cambridue.'- ' We must suppose Mr. Beverley thought that because Bacchus's name is also "Liber," that if he made free with a little wine, that god would keep him free from Proctors. - We may, we hope, by poetical licence, for once step aside from the l)roper derivation of the word iminaculate, and suppose it to be derived from in, not, and maculate from Mack, the Lie-Grinder ; therefore we are immaculate if we have not Mack. Certainly he is not a " macte ]nier." ^ See what Mr. Beverley says against ICton, etc. lie has also these memorable words of advice "to parents wdio value the religion of their .sons send them not to Cambridge." AN ANGLO-SAPPHIC ODE. 137 Few the Newmarket races have attracted, London in term time seldom sees a Cantab ; Balls are but scarce, we'll Bury them in silence : Rarely frequented. How can you talk of mummery and mass^ Sir I " Massa, me no like such a buckra fellow ; " White though your skin, your principles are black as Ink in a bottle. Surely you read the Rights of Man, to write such Lies, Sir ; a stick now trembles in my hand, quite Ready to fall, as soon as I may see your Rascally worship, Bobby," you've told a multitude of stories, l.ies without end, Sir; cliequercJ \?> your pamphlet. As the w(jrld sees and knows, I hope, with acrid Radical humbug ! C(jnstables ought, indeed, to take you into Custody ; they should walk you to a justice, Who, if he's wise, sliould put you in the Cambridge Stocks for a rascal. ' Sec what Mr. lievcrk-y says about mas-, etc., wliicli lie iiropo-cs in lii; le-turcl in tlic collc_c;u chapels, by it-, own proper name, fur he sa}-> ni> hmw adnpicd in all but the name. X.li. This i^ the indiviijiial who, il ma)- be remembered, propo>ed to the Archbi>h'ip of \'(]rk to i.aucrt \>aV .Min>tcr into a <'alholic rhurcli, a^ertini; that lli.u raihrdi'.d ^v.l , fMimded and endowed by R(jman Cath )lic-, and iliere- I'.re It N'.ould be but jii~t to le-lurc it to the piie-;- nf th:;t reli-inn f.ir vhiJi it vsa. 'iriLdiially built. See his " Anli-(_diuix h Letter to the Ai. h;,idinp ,>f \-,,rk.^' - >Miii.; of th'- riiirndators pi'np(i,e "lI'i'Miy;" but 1 ima^ini' ii is f'dy 'ip'!();i:d, a, the Triiiily porler -ail to the fre-lunaii \s\v\ ,.- \ v,],at ehunli he wa- In l;'> tn < ,\\ Siuida) -. '" Perfectly hnptinnal, -ir. 1 .1, ;;re }nu, ' wa.^ the aUiWcr, 138 IN CAP AND GOWN. I should be glad to break your honour's head with One stick or two, if ever I may see you ; But, for my part, I never like with such to Dirty my fingers. Libelling Bob Mack Beverley, Esquire, you Wretch, whom no sense of shame can keep from lying, Sordid, unfeeling reprobate, degraded Radical outcast ! ( 139 ) THOUGIirS SUGGESTED BY THE NEW CAWS GOWN. Prn'tously to iJie year 1S35 tJie jindergradnates of Trinity were dis- iin;^iiis}tcd from other lueiiibers of the university by wearing a blue gown. Jn this year, hoii-er-er, the Cains men discarded their short goxcn of sable hue for one which somewhat reseiidled that of Trinity. This called forth the Jolloicing protest from an indignant 'J'rinity man. AwAKi:. my Muse ! and leave all meaner things To humble Queen's Men, or to men of King's; To mightier themes my daring strains aspire, Touch thou my jjcn witli thy celestial fire. 1 sing the deeds of tliose, who think Renown Dwells in the folds of our caerulean gown. UnJKijjpy youths ! whom nature ne'er endowed With auglit to raise them from the vulgar crowd, N'ft eager too to fill llie rolls of fame, And gain the empty honour of a name, lla\c vainly tried tlie jiatlis which science sliews, And Alma Mater with her prizes strews. Their fcuhle minds, unalile to contend With tlio~;e where genius and where learning blend, 111' une(]ual contest shunned, ^md sought to gain by readier means the object of tin ir pain. \^\ then, iny friemh, wliile 1 in ha4e describe The dv/elnng place of this ecceiilric tribe. I40 IN CAP AND GOWN Know ye the spot where the cross-spikes and bars Are emblems of those who attempted to chmb, But not being nimble or active as tars Fell and suffered the lasting eftects of their crime ? Know ye the College where men never shine In aught but in quaffing the juice of the vine ; Where clouds of tobacco send forth a perfume, That is plainly perceived pouring out from each room ? The sounds that ye hear there are not like the lute, For the voice of the " rowiiig-man " seldom is mute ; But the ale that they sell there, I own it will vie With any that's made or sold under the sky ; And the hue of their copus is brightest in dye. 'Tis the College of Caius 'tis the land where the " bum- curtain " lately was sported by each jolly chum, But now black and blue are the gowns that they wear, Like the eye of a drunkard, returned from a fair. Grief long had worn these hapless men. The cause I need not say again ; ^^'ith one consent they then agreed 'Tis said their general cause to plead. The sapient conclave having met, W^ith pij)es and bakky duly set, A youth with not too much of wisdom blessed Th' assembled brethren in these words addressed : "Shall tve alo7ie, my friends, alone shall we, (Sjiurned though we are by lofty Trinity,) Contented wear this odious curtailed gown, Laughed at by each pert puppy of the town ; AVhile round us stalk in haughty grandeur all, j\Ien of each other college, and eacli hall ? No ; since, alas ! no other road their lies By which ourselves we can immortalize, THE NEW CAWS GOWN. 141 With one loud voice the ISIaster let us sue Oh ! let us wear a beauteous gown of blue ! " AVith cheers full loud this wise proposal came, And their fond wish was wafted into flame ; The ^Master heard ; he smiled and gave assent. To Creeke and Ratnett straight the orders went For gowns of blue, with sable patches pied, One at the back, and one at either side. Vain fools 1 and have ye then so soon forgot, In Aesop's tales, the unhappy ass's lot ; How in the lion's hide the creature brayed. And by his voice his witless self betrayed } So wWXyour hopes as signally be wrecked. Though in your gowns of slaty hue bedecked. If ye desire the name of Caius to raise, And reap at least some honourable praise, 'Tis not o\vc goii.>ns that can exalt your name. In leanu'/r:[ strive to emulate our fame, 'J'hougli vain, I fear, tlie tedious task you'd find ; You'd still be left so very far beliind. Sport if ye will our robes of purple hue, ^'e guiltless freslimen, we laugh not at you ; Our only aim has here been to disclose 'Yhc idle plot, that wrought your early woes. Vet weep not, Caius Men, in your lowly den ; Well may ye envy 'J'rinity her men. Their bright examples ever yet have stood Foremost in all we deem most wise and good. And till the world in hapless ruin fade Still shall their memories be undecnyed ; In vain assailed by 1mi\-\-'s cankering breath, 'i'lieir names remain unperishing in death. A. 142 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE SNOBIAD, OR TOWN AND GOWN ROW IN CAMBRIDGE. November 5, 1835. This poem was written down, from the dictation of the Hon. and I\ez\ J\ Y. Savile, by the late Dr. Potts, in 1S81, and a copy of it is now pre- served in the Pegistiy at Cambridge. Another town and goiun I'ow is described on p. 199. In college rooms a crowded conclave sat, November five just dusk, in close debate ; A steaming punch-bowl purified the room, And fi-agrant pipes distilled a blue perfume. As the curled smoke ascended to the ceiling, So up curvetted each heroic feeling ; And loud the menaces and dire the works Vowed against Snobs in memory of Fawkes. High and yet higher the discussion rose. Who should be leader, where attack tlie foes. How armed eacli youtli, how every troop arrayed ; Some lay the bet, and some the amlniscadc. Deep in the liquid realms of Cam with friglit For the fortlicoming horrors of the night, The guardian Sprite inllitted as they s})oke, And straightway hovered o'er a pipe of smoke. Just then a youth of most undoubted worth Plad blown a cloud of weedy vapour forth, And as lie oi)L'd his mouth to puff again. The Sprite Hew in and settled on his brain THE SNOBIAD. 143 A vacant spot, where, sitting at her ease, She might dictate such sentiments as these : "Permit me, gentlemen, if in submitting A trifling word or two (excuse my spitting) I should admit what ill becomes my college ; But, sirs, remember that I speak from knowledge. This night six hundred foes are in the town. We scarce can reckon on a hundred gown ; Six hundred blackguards armed with stones and bricks, AMiile we can lean on nothing but our sticks ; On jagged missiles all their strength reposes. And, ere we reach them, we have lost our noses. Now list; to-morrow night you'll all confess Their force will be considerably less. With ([uite as much excitement, fun, and noise. Six hundred Snobs will fall on sixty boys. And from the moment that we sally out We sliall enjoy a long victorious rout. Xow, oft of yore have I and my two cousins ]5y such j)rudenlial measures slaughtered dozens Caught with our toes the miscreants as they fled. And made tlie pavement answer to their head." His boasting words mere windy sounds disclose, While tumorous bu/./.ings of applause arijse. The cliairman puffed in silence for a minute, 'I'lien softly murmured, " there was something in it." One only from the central mass (jf smoke A wil(ll\- fierce del'J.ded freshman sjjoke : -M}' sentence is for war without di.-ilinclioii for ihorcnigli, signal, al)>oIule exlinnion. Turn, then, fil^e coinr:ules, blench _\e fi'oin the figlu, 1 I ;it le:ist will have a mill to-iUL^hl ! '' II" -aid, and rushing If) the streets pell-mell, I lo'.iri.iiied his luri!, and fighting fell! 14 1 IN CAP AND GOWN. Ah ! valiant youth, of generous noble spirit, Strange that the fates should so reward thy merit. One eye bunged out, both nostrils battered wide, With two ribs fractured on the dexter side, Of cap and gown bereft, his coat uptorn, Back to his college is the hero borne. Two Proctors, kindly holding either arm, Staunch the dark blood, and gate him for the term. The Sprite of Camus sought the top of King's, And calmly lighting, slowly closed her wings ; She then, with anxious forethought looking down. Surveys each hole and corner of the town. Where it is best to lead the headstrong host, What places favour, what endanger most. Oh for a throat of brass and blacksmith's bellows, To tell the mustering of these gallant fellows ; To say what college, fired by thirst of fame, On-led by fancied wrongs, to battle came ! See ! they advance from every college door ; ^^^ith waving caps and flowing gowns outpour. These are the Tufts of Trinity, and these The Sons of Queen's and all the Bunch of Caius. Saint John's sends forth a Bacchanalian train, Corpus peeps forth and skelters back again, And little Sidney issues all she can. Her force concentred in a single man. Six Donning men had promised their assistance, ]!ut, like poor Bluchcr, could not save their distance. Four had at early morn their march begun, But reached not Cambridge ere the fight was done ; The otlier two, while slipping on tlicir garters. Their wives had threatened and detained in quarters. Rough, bluff, and sturdy, though in numbers few, The Aulites muster, one united crew; THE SNOBIAD. 145 Their gowns with care around their bodies tied, For fear the Snobs should claim them for their side. Far in another quarter of the town A togaed phalanx bear their foemen down In combat close ; they wage it hand to hand, Each for himself, regardless of command ; Only one Magdalene youth withheld the blow, Bent o'er the body of a prostrate foe. Parting his locks, beneath a lighted lamp. To trace the features of his forehead damp. Heard ye that shriek ? ' Yes, yes ! 'tis he, 'tis he ! I've slain, I've massacred our own Bargee ! Oh, Bargee, Bargee, wherefore could you fight us?" Here Alexander lost another Clitus. The Bargee deeply groaned, and loudly cried Bclcliing forth one foul word, and then he died. The Sprite of Cam now leaves the battle-field, A gentle youth of valiant Caius to shield. Wending his homeward way at half-past nine To get liis tea and save the Porter's fine. A youtli was he, on study all intent, With swipes and Cfjllege commons quite content. His friend he left in Pembroke College attics. Deeply engaged in mixed mathematics. Scarce had he left the college in his rear. When three fell Snobians were seen drawing near Two slashing hits first bend his body double ; The third then flcjors him, and saves further trouble. With eyes inipalient starting from their sockets. In vain the con(juerors dive into his ]iu( kets ; No chinking gold, no waK h n(;r jewels rare, Answer their feelings or rei^ay their care Naught hut some sheets ot s( ri!;l)ling J^iper there. ( )\\, ( urse the mongrel, he's not worth a groat ! "' L 146 Jy CAP AND GOJVN. They cry ; "we'll stuff the papers down his throat.' In vain the youth resists the doughty three ; They force into his mouth the Laws of Gravity ; And, what was far more difficult and cruel, They try to make him bolt Magister Whewell. But soon the angry Sprite relieved him from it, Soothing his pains by a most timely vomit. The fight is o'er, and well it was no worse ! Each party claims the victory, of course. While beer and baccy calm the Snobian soul. The gownsman revels in the purple bowl. And many a vaunt and many a boast goes round. One shows his body whole, one boasts his wound ; This thought it humbug, and that thought it fun. But every man a thousand deeds had done. First, Hobbs of Trinity had fought his way Alone, unaided through the thickest fray, And challenged every gentleman to tell A feat of chivalry performed so well. But Dobbs of John's, his back against a wall, Daring full sixty Snobians one and all, Floored every man, and on their bodies jumped ; So the First Trinity was fairly bumped. The Sprite of Cam had sunk beneath her river. To paint her lance and to renew her quiver ; And as Aurora gilds the eastern morn, By playful zephyrs on each sunbeam borne, Leaps to the water-lilies' ])erfumed bud, Waves her bright wand, and reassumcs the flood. 147 ) VICE-CHANCELLOR V. MAYOR. (>/! Fdiruai-y 22, 1S37, a grace was offend to the Senate " To aitthori-e the Viee-Chaneellor. proceedings at Laii^ having been instituted agauist the late V.C. 7oith a -eieio to try the right, 7^e for this de sirable (dijecl. 148 AV CAP AND GOWN. Who that would crave the favour of O'Connell, Morpeth and Russell, hesitates to vote that Privilege,, right, immunity and all our Liberties are not Worth the defending? When the Camp's in danger Surely there is discretion in surrender, And he that first capitulates ensures re- ward for his service. Masters of Arts, then, rally round " the Mayor," and Help him to send Vice-Chancellors and Proctors, Taxers, etc. (all but Liberal Professors) Into the Town Jail. ( 149 ) NUGA E BARTLO VIA NA E. The iK'o harroi.'s on Bartlow ' Hills 'i'cre -opened in 1835 and iSjcS respectively. On both occasions IV/ir.i'ell, Sedi^-oick, and others zaere presettt , (i)id the folic:, 'iire; verses by IVhrii'ell 'twere published for private circulation in 1S3S. 7'hey 'u'ere aftenvards included in the volume of his poems, called ^^ Sunday llioui^hts and Other Verses^'' (1847). The fol hiving is a ci uteniporary account of the opening of the second liarroio : " J.odge, and Sed^reicl:, and ll'he:^'ell, and /de/islon' ivent from Audley End 7oith a large party. 7 hev fnoid a box [some four feet long, three broad, and three high), in :,'hich irere sundry A'oinan glass bottles, pateras, bronze jugs, and a lainf, (ilo some ^'inall hones (sup/o and learned Clerks, and Ladies gay, \\\m) all, in fair assembly ranged, were by When antiquarian pickaxe broke its way 'I'lirough l!artlow's old mysterious tumuli ; Would you indeed the tinkling still retain ( )\ l.elN that jingled for your disport then ? Take here the moment's rhyme; tin; trilling straiii (.-CI urr with you irom churlish ciitic's ken) \l.i} bring lonie ]ileasant (kivs ba' k to }'our thoughts again. W. W. \' la i,v I.M.. AlTit 17. iSjS. ISO IiV CAP AiVD GOIV.V. BART LOW HILLS. An Eclogue. Afri/ 21, 1S35. Mr. Gage. JMy antiquarian bosom burns to explore These relics of the art of men of yore. Professor Scdgn'ick. Stay, my good sir ; control your zeal or lose it. 'J'his is no work of art ; 'tis a deposit. Gage. Geologist, avaunt ! and hide your head ; Ne'er was deposit thus deposited. Sedgwick. I hold, despite your antiquarian pride, 'J'hat Bartlow's tallest hill is stratified. G. Your theory of strata, sir, is rickety : 'I'is a Romano-Dano-Celt antiquity. 6". Sir, your antiquity's a joke to me : 'Twas left here by "the last catastrophe." G. I tell you, sir, that Queen Loadicea Killed fifty thousand men, and put them here. S. Sir, throw your (jueens and battles to the dogs : '"Twas when the Deluge made the Clogmagogs. ad}' Brayhrooke. O gentle swains! be for a moment mute. For here is that will settle your dispute. The spade proceeds, the earth is outward thrown, And now at last we find a bit of bone. G. Ha ! give it me. It is, upon my word, A British heel chcjpped by a Roman sword. S. Xo ; with your idle tales no longer weary "em ; 'Tis a new fossil bea.^t the Bartlotherium. NUGAE BARTLOVIAXAE. 15: Dr. X. Now, gentlemen, since bones are my affair, I, as anatomist, the truth declare : The bone is a heel-bone observe it thus The beast, the Asimis domesticus. No theorist is safe from trifling ills : So the Lord and Lady of these hills Pay, as becomes you, thanks and reverence due. And then proceed to theorize anew. April 17, 1S3S. \\']icre J!artlow's Ijarrows of wondrous size Stand side by side to puzzle the wise, \\\ a certain year, on a certain day, A voice was heard in the morning grey : 'Twas a grumbling, growling, muttering din, Like a man who talks a box within ; And it seemed to C(jmc, to tlie slanders by, l-'roiu the center of one of tlie tumuli. The linguage, as well as tlie ear could take it, Was Laiin but such as a l!ril(jn would make it. And tliis is a close translation penn'd F(jr Cartjlus Xe\ille of Audley i''.nd : Lrullier Icenius Crisjnis Caius ! ("lose logelh.er our friends did lay us, .Se\X'nleen Inmdred A'ears agr>, And our two ( ou^ins, all in a row : 'fell me, (J>iius, how do jou lie? I )o )- of your IriemL ai-oiiiid y(ni lying In tiny \.\\> lo ( on-ole \ou lordving? I'm; .iU jwl.ward leel lIiM the awkw.ird air I making it.-, way to ni) houeS hu liare ; 152 JN CAP AND GOWN. It seems as if the sharp north-west Were somehow getting within my chest ; And if the cold very much increases, I shall sneeze my barrow all to pieces. Are you cold too ? I feel, by Bacchus ! An epidemic disease attacks us ; And I really fear, as learned men say, ' A touch of a tumular influenza.' " And another voice, from another hill, Replied in a hoarser grumble still : " What ! O Jupiter ! Cousin Verus, Haven't you heard what pass'd so near us ? Poor Icenius, don't you know lliey carried him off three years ago ? Certain robbers, call'd antiquaries. Came and disturbed his quiet Lares ; Bored his barrow, and stole, alas ! His urns and bottles, his bronze and glass ; His worship's chair, that he used to sit in At the quarter sessions for Eastern Britain ; His handsome {\iwq.xv\ pi-aeferkiihim ; His wife's new-fashion'd enamel ridiciiluni ; ^ Bagg'd the whole ! it did not matter a Pin whether vase, or lamp, or patera. Even his bones, though stript of tlieir clothin' They took away, and left him notliing. All are gone, and the world may sec 'em jSIaking a show in the Maynard Museum. " And now I fear these folk intend To rob you too, my respected friend ; ' Kescmljlincr the modern reticule. NUGAE BARTLOVIANAE. 153 And, following up their barbarous custom, They've dug a hole to your very bustum ; And that's the reason, or I'm mistaken, You feel so bored, and so sadly shaken. " It is really hard that one's very great age Can't save one from prying Fellows like Gage ; ^ "Wlien one comes to one's tee7is of centuries, clearly One should not be treated so cavalierly. " 15ut since it is so, and the move's begun, I trust we shall meet when all is done. So, when near Caius you're set on the shelf, Tell him I hope to be there myself; And sa)- that the thing which I doubt the least on Is our coming together again at Easton.'' - AViLLIA.M WlIEWELL. ' John (^a-c, ];sq., F.S.A. -' Ma-iDii l.oiJLjc, the beat ^A Viscount Maynard, the proprictcjr of the JJartLnv Hill... 154 1^ CAP AND GOWN. THE RAPE OE THE WHISKER. 1)1 1837, Tciuple Frcre {li'ho -was unfortunately divn'ncd in the Cam three years later) cut off the whiskers of C. S. Stokes, of Trinity, tinder circtimstances which the followitig poem 7vill 7'ender clear, hi another lampoon on the subject, called " Fuznihiskiana" the names of the actors in the tragedy are very thinly veiled, as these lines will shoic " Why didst thou close thy eyes, confiding S s? A Cambridge man and yet not up to jokes ! None will deny, altho' his name I've liid it. Free was his weapon, ' freer ' he who did it ! " Wixi-: and tlic man I sing, wlio woke at morn, And found, In' some stern fate, his whisker sliorn. Say, muse divine, what unrelenting Fate Pursued so fair a youth with such dark liate ? Were not the common ills of life enough, The blunted razor, and the beard too tcnigli ? Why this last stroke, "the unkindcst cut of all,"' ^^'hich bade the duly-cherished whiskers fall ? Those whiskers, once, alas ! the boast of Trinity On wliich their owner doatcd to infinit}'. Say, O ye gyps, and ye too, ladies fair, Whose gossip dwelt on " Mister Stiggins' hair,' Did great Apollo, with Iiis unshorn grace, l'',nvy the honours of that blooming face ? Or wise Minerva, frowning at sucli vanity, Lay low the darling pride of his insanity? THE RAPE OF THE WHISKER. And came there as of old, from realms of air, Some hostile Sylph, to violate the hair? Alas 1 the bitter truth I would have shrunk From telling, but in fact, the youth was drunk. For, who in sober mood, not over-bold, Would seek a lion's den, a giant's hold ? ' Yet this youth ventured oh, fit theme for bards To taunt the giant while he played at cards. 'Tis true, the giant was an infant still, J]ut yet no common Jack could sucli a giant kill ; In mind and manner scarce a tliree-months' child. In bulk a I'cHon on Olympus piled. Like l)ull at l)ay, wliilc baiting I)ull-dogs bark, Like crouching tiger, or like lumgry shark, Like dark volcano smouldering till the hour ,\rri\-c to slicw the world its hidden power. So (lark -so .-.tern so sullen sat tlie giant, (Juite sik-nt, yet in temper far from pliant. Mc-.-Miwliile friend Stiggins never dreamt of battle, l!nl joked the llaby-giant on "his rattle." Hut I'atc iinijcnded. big with retribution, And Sleep brought Stiggins into destitution, buried in uiiie and sleej) so Virgil sung So Stiggins lay. wiiii snore-resounding lung. Xov.-, all g'jod tipplers, take a timely warning ; Remember that Kepentanre c(jmes with nionniig. I'or nKa'iiiiig ( anie. and sadly from his bed I'oor Sti'i^iiis crawled, and cursed his acliing head, but till he slept, as u-ual, to the l'I'H-. To M-e the wliid;cr-, but a loud '-Akis ' '' \\x fill he uttered, a-, he looked ;ie-.iiii, \!Mi \et otite more lie lo<;k. (1, :md looked m \';iiii, \\';h re '.'.as the' vdii-^ker ? iVri.iied wa.i the Lirace. 156 /iV CAP AND GOIV.V. The nicely-balanced beauty of the face : One side remained ; but what could profit One ? 'Twere better if together both had gone. So reasoned Stiggins, feeling no slight wonder To find his brother whiskers set asunder. Sadly he mused on all the anxious toil, The frequent shaving, and the fragrant oil, Now all bestowed in vain. What precious plaster Would quickest serve to heal the sore disaster ? Not all Macassar could prevent alarm, Nor all Circassia's cream, Columbia's palm. Two sores were now to heal the wounded /^r^, And wounded Iwnour. For the first disgrace Sad remedy was found, to send tlie other " His sole remaining joy " to seek its brother. 'Twas hence the streets beheld, with wild affright. Our ravished Hero (while he shunned the light) Wandering, with covered head, and seeking harbour He could not trim his locks without a barber ! The doctor came too, found no need of pill, Yet pledged his written word, the Youth was ill. A slight " Aegrotat" healed the injured face. And saved the Youth from shewing his disgrace. He next, as seems most proper, wrote a letter. But People say he should liavc written better. They may be right, or wrong it might be clever, Or might be stupid ; but it seems, however. Its object, when he read it, did not cool Still less, when Stiggins came to call him Fool. Great was the clamour, bitter was the wail, When Stiggins dared at length to tell liis tale : The sons of John's and Trinity deplore. And all the Union echoes witli the roar. For all who hoped for whiskers, dreamt of beard THE RAPE 01^ THE WHISKER. 157 Listened, and while they Hstcned, sadly feared : Then each Adonis felt his cheek in pain, And smiled to find the embryo hairs remain. O gallant band of youths ! O noble Few ! AVho can feed whiskers with Macassar dew, O hear my counsel ; don'i get drunk at night, And don'i provoke young giants to the fight ; So shall you sleep at night, and wake at morn ^Vithout an aching head, witliout a whisker shorn. 158 /.V CAP AND COWA'. EXTRA ORDINA RY ASTR ONOMICA L DISCOVERY. A REMARKABLE and interesting discovery has just been made at the Cambridge Observatory, by means of the splendid telescope recently fitted up there, the libeial gift of a noble and munificent Duke ; nor is the ingenious method pursued in bringing this wonderful phenomenon to light less remark- able than the novelty of the appearance of a body, whose existence, though frequently suspected, had never been satis- factorily established. It had long been supposed, that in addition to the many small planetary bodies which revolve at various distances round the glorious and brilliant sun of Trinity College, and which are commonly known by the name of minor establislimcnts, or small colleges, tliere might be some so small that their existence had never become known to any member of Trinity. This idea received great support from the learned researches of the talented astro- nomical observer. Professor Challis. In his jxiper " On the True Law of Collegiate Distances." jniblished in the Trans- actions of the Cambridge Philosophical Society, he had demonstrated the numerical law which regulates llie distances of the small colleges from tlie centre of the system. At the same time he found that this law was in default in one place, as the distance between Sidney and Je.-,us was greater tlian that assigned by calculation. He conceived, therefore, tliat it was highly probable that another college would be found EXTRAORDINARY ASTRONOMICAL DISCOVERY. 159 somewhere in the interval. He had accordingly searched long and carefully with the instruments which he then possessed, but always without success, as their strength was not sufficient to exhibit a body which now is known to be of so small a size, and to shine with so feeble a light. But as soon as the magnificent gift of the noble Duke was in a state fit for working, he employed it with indefatigable zeal in the search of this long suspected body. His efforts have now been crowned with success ; and no greater proof need be given of the excellence of this wonderful telescope, than the foct of its having been able to detect a body so small that it had eluded the oljservation of all previous astronomers. This new body, which the researclies of Professor Challis have added to our system, is by far the smallest known, being al)(jut one-half of the size of Sidnc}'. The ratio of its mass t(j that of Trinity, considered as unity, is "0000000012. It has a dull leaden colour somewliat like St. John's, and though its inliabitants have not yet been distint:tly seen, from sundry considerations they are conjectured to be of less size than even those men of I'anmanuel wlio have l)ecn seen. 'I'hese are all the jjarticulars tlie learned l'r(jfessor has as yet been al)le to determine, but he is now employed in investi- gating the latitude and longitude of its Hall and Chapel, if indeed it do ]>ossess the latter. He conceived at one time that he heard the sound (jf an organ, but as this is an ripi)endage unknown in any of the existing small colleges, it i^ conje'oiured that so remarkable a deviation from the Usual n;i'ure of these bodies has no foundation in fact. Xe\'er hinci; the discover)' of ()ll)ei's was there so great an (\( itement among astronomers, as when the learned I'rofessor annoum ed his (li->(o\ery; and tlie_\- are all now (lilig(_'ntly ernplM\i;(l in searcjiing the whole lii-a\-ens in e\pe( tation of fnnling another of tlie>e !)oda>, hut as )'et witl.out -uci e^s. The highest ( redit is due to Trole-^sor Challis i6o IN CAP AND GOWN. for the ingenuity of reasoning by which he arrived at the conclusion that such a body did exist, and the dexterity by which he verified his suspicions ; and his name will be handed down to posterity with those of Herschel, Olbers, and Piazzi, as one of those who have done most for astro- nomical science. ( i6i ) PROSPECTUS OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE T RAN SLA TION OF CAMBRIDGE MA THE- MATICAL BOOKS INTO INTELLIGIBLE ENGLISH. litis " frospcclus,''' -which is said to have bcoi -H'rittenby D. F. Gregory, fellow of Trinity, will sfeak for itself. The only passage which calls for coiiimoit is that i>i which the Society returns its ^^ thanks to Air. IIopki>ts fur the kindness 7^uth 7i'hich he has fwoiired it with the use of his private manuscripts, from 7Lo years, had among his pupils 175 'vranglcrs. Of these 108 were in the Jirst ten, 44 in the first three, and 17 7eere senior -,,'ran-^lers. Naturally, therefore, the manuscripts of Mr. Jlopkins 7could throw considera/de light upon the mathematical ivorks published in Cambridge during the second quarter op the present century. A I a lime like the present, when the extension of scientific echuatiun has created so great a demand for mathematical works ill tlie laighsh language, the expectations of the public were naturally directed towards the University of Cambridge, as the f(juntain from wliich the stream of knowledge was to be supjdied ; and, from the scientific re[nitation of so many of its members, the highest anticipation has been f(;rmed. ( 'oii^idcralile disai)p(jintineiU, lunvever, has ensued, on its bring t(;uii(l tliat, from the singularity of ilialect which pre- \:iil,i ;iiiioiig the works pubH^hed at this University, togclher with other sources of studied obscurity, these works are M i62 JN CAP AND GOWN. wholly unintelligible to people at large unconnected with Cambridge. Fear has even been entertained that the imperishable works of a Miller, a Hymers, an Earnshaw, a Phelps, an Ottley, and a Hall, may be obscured in the eyes of posterity, by the language in which they are written being no longer understood. Animated by these con- siderations, and anxious to rescue the University from the opprobrium which must fall upon her, should the produc- tions of her illustrious offspring be allowed to fall into oblivion, a Society has been formed, for the purpose of endeavouring to put these works within the reach of ordinary comprehensions, by translating the most admired of them into the vernacular tongue. These translations it is proposed to bring out at no stated intervals, but as rapidly as the difficulty of the task will allow, and tlie following will be the principal objects kept in view in the Society's publications. I. To translate the letter-press into the English language. In performing which task, the Society will not consider itself restricted to the ordinary proportion of one line of explanation to seven pages of symbols. II. To correct the numerous errata which disfigure the fair pages of these works, and in particular to collate them carefully with the original authors from whom tliey have been copied, either with or without acknowledgment. The Society begs to return its sincere thanks to Mr. Hopkins, for the kindness with which for this purpose he has favoured it with the use of his private manuscripts, from which so many of the works recently published have been taken. The Society hopes that, by paying particular attention to the printing department, the list of errata will be so small, that it shall not require more than four supplementary sheets of small type for each volume. III. Where possible, to discover and explain the author's THE TRANSLATION OF MATHEMATICAL BOOKS. 163 meaning in those passages where he does not seem to have fully comprehended it himself. IV. To correct errors in analysis, and to supply those omissions which appear to have arisen from the accident of the author, in copying, having turned over two pages instead of one. In connection with this, the Society much regrets that persons ignorant of a foreign language should attempt to copy from the works of Continental wTiters, as they have thereby been reduced to the necessity of copying the analysis alone, without the accompaniment of the corre- sponding explanation. V. Inasmuch as, from the language used in these works being ill-adapted for continuous prose, they are never accom- panied by prefaces, the Society in the translations (where the same difficulty will not occur) will take care to have suitable prefices prepared by competent persons, who may have read through the various works, and have been able, so far as possil)le, to understand them. The Society will be happy to receive offers of literary assistance (with tlie terms), and any communications which may tend to further the objects of the Society. In jiarticular, authors are invited to give their oj)inions as to the inter- pretation (jf difficult {lassages in their own works, but the Society does not pledge itself to be always guided by their \ iews. 'I'lie first number of the Society's publications will contain "Miller's 1 )irrerential Calculus." It will apj)ear some time \sithm the next ten or twenty years ; and when tlie difficulty of the task is considered, and when it is rememl)ered, that t(ir the accurate exceution (T the work the Society will have lo examine one hundred and seven! v-three works on the ^ame subjecl, which have issiU'd Irom the Cambridge Press, be-ides '-oiiie minor w(jrk^ of Trench and other writers : and i64 IN CAP AND GOWN. moreover, since from the statistical tables of the last five years it appears that seventeen treatises per annum on the "Differential Calculus" may be expected, all of which must also be examined, this time will not be deemed excessive. The Society prefers this plain statement to the modern practice of announcing works for ten years in the Cambridge Calendar, as " in the press, and shortly will be published." A future object of the Society will be, the translation of these works into other modern languages, that foreign nations may be able to participate in the rapid progress which Mathematical Science is making in this University. Cambridge, November 21, 1838. ( i65 ) SATURDAY EVENING. hi the Lent Term, 1838, the masters and seniors oj Trinity College issued a hc-lU regulation, to the effect '^that all undergraduates, scholars, and foundation scholars do attend chapel eight times at least in every week, that is tujice on Sunday and once on every other day," arid that after three reprimands from the dean, tutor, and master, ^' the offender shall, ipso facto, be removed from the college either entirely or for one or tnoj'e terms T In self-defence the undergraduates established a club, jvhich they called " The Society for the I'>-evention of Cruelty to Undergraduates,^^ the primary object of n'hich 7vas to mark the attendance of the dons in chapel. The results, issued in tabular form with printed comments, 7vcre published weekly, and though they attained a wide circulation, all attempts at fixing the authorship on individuals failed, 'd he Society claimed to be as '^anxious to reward fuerit as to punish immorality,^'' and it therefore pnpi'SL'il a prize to be given to that one among the fellows ivho 7uas most regular in his atiendanee at chapel. At the end of the term a classdist was issued, in 7ohich the junior and senior deans stood first. They, Itowevcr, -.oere distjualifud from receiving the prize, as attendance at chape! loas obviously their duty. It 7oas, therefore, given to the third on the list, C. Perry, afterwards Jiishop of Melbourne. After the ptililicalion of the papers for six loeeks, the master and seniors loith- iirew the most obnoxious coi'iegerand And e'en sleek snobs make bold to sneer v/hile passing in he becomes in a ^i -^ ^ -, ,i- moment a hero, ttie Street ', Lnct^to"i'nrm-w And Triuity's great glories will fly, never to return order uf things, ^^^ j ^^ ^^^j^^j^ dlouc, my gyp, thesc cruel rules to spurn. SA TURD A V E VENIXG. 1 6 7 And when I'm rusticated, and when snug at home I sleep, and prepared to The poor, poor Devils will, I hope, each Sunday chapel catTon?'" "'" keep; Before the clock strikes eight, be seen early at the door, When B s is warm asleep and Dons most comfortably snore. ****** A train of reason- ^'ou'll come to call me, mind you, some time before 'tis Hl<'s'seem to'''''' pji-i-U)- show is not com- o ' municated to the And you'll look in once afterwards, for fear I should be late ; Tnmt^^ ^a^i'^s^ You needn't inill the clothes off I shall hear you as you '""^''"'y ' '''=- i -' -^ go the plan of tread, resistance. He ' reverts to his With that big heavy foot of yours all round about my bed. orisinaiintentioi! ' -' -'of henig called in the morning ; I've been six times and more this week, but that won't and having be- nevolently sug- anSWur now; gestedtothegy]) . a sonrce of con- ii 1 m not there to-morrow, 1 sliall get into a row. soiation, in tiie Well, well ; you needn't care, thougli rustication be my doom, ccme'impro- ... , , , , bable, of his own ioiiW gut aiKjther master when another takes my room. rustication, "Get upjget up," \\\\i:n you have cried, "get up, the bell's begun," .And wlien, unwaslied, unshaved, half-dressed, to chapel I have run, J)on'i let Mrs. Xewcome make my l)ed before I have conii; out ; J-or 1 shall want to sleep again, there cannot be a doul)t. he prDceetls i.> N'ou'll t'iiid ^omc trtjusers lying at the botl(jm of ih.e drawer; '";,'',';'."''.""''"" Wax \\\a\ take 'cm : they arc yours ; I shall never wear 'em "i"- 1' I'ln'np.iiiv " .' ^ K-I.ilr 111 lili waul- IMMIr. rol,... M,.,,nwhilc iherx. :ni but wait b( '(d'e you "o don't tor LToodness' sake fori'et imM. r wiuri, i,,; J (J air n)y hlmt and stockings, wlm h ( auie 111 to-day ^o wet. -- m-^ to miI>-,i(1,:, .mil Ills illiii_;li.i- lion to evaporate. i63 IN CAP AND GOWN. You may go : you'll come and call me, mind, some time before 'tis eight; I sleep so sound, that of myself I never wake till late, But I in morning chapel to-morrow must appear. So mind and call me early call me early, d'ye hear? ( i69 ) A (VERY) FREE IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE OF VERGIL} The foUaiving poem, as ixiell as the sketches entitled " Characters of Fresh- men,''^ appeared in the'''' Cambridge University JMagazine,'''' vol. i., 1840 a periodical -ivhich, under the title of " The Symposium,'" came out first in March, 1839. Jt 7L translation is iiiiccilaiii. (,'()n.>c(iuciitly it i iiiilciiow 11 t'j wliicli yearV 'rii]iii^ Mi. Walkir 1jc1iiii[;s. 170 IN CAP AND GOWN. Forth from my college studies hurl'd, Am turn'd adrift u[)on the world, While you in literary leisure Can in these gardens take your pleasure, And con with cool untroubled eye The mysteries of x and y. Smart. E'en so, friend Walker, as you see, Thanks to my capital degree ! To mathematics, as you know. My fame and fellowship I owe ; (And long shall shine my glory's taper. Lit by the Cambridge Tripos paper) Hence with the Dons I daily dine. In Combination-room sip wine. I trust to keep all envy under. And yet must own you raise my wonder ; So many of the men I know Were "flummox'd" at the last great-go; E'en I, the young hope of my college, In spite of all my skill and knowledge, Was well-nigh gulf'd, unlucky loon. And lighted on the wooden spoon. I might have look'd for this disaster, Remembering how my cross old master Said, " You'll do better when you're older," And wish'd it over his left slioulder, AV'inking the while with malice sly : l)Ut how came you to stand so high? IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE. 171 s. I used 10 fancy, like a fool, Cambridge was like the country school Where I long since spent many a day, In boyish tasks and boyish play. I thought the University Of course must somewhat larger be ; A dog is large, a puppy small In size they differ that is all ! So till I hither cam.e no later I thought ! but with great Alma Mater, Blessing and glory of our nation, The minor seats of education Can no more stand comparison Than can a Whig with W'elHngton. \\. 'I'ruc, Smart but say (you won't refuse) What first to college turn'd your views. S. Wlien my first pair of wliiskers curfd, I thought 'twas time to see tlie world, So left my master in tlie lurcli, And took my leave oi tasks and birch ; for 1 was eager to be free From S(h(K)l and all its drudgery, Where, ])1(k1 however I might plod, I w(jrk'd fijr uotliiiv'- but the rod. W Ainl so you bade to s( hool ;idieu, Although the iiKbiLer's liuil. tor you 172 IN CAP AND GOWN. Hung on the trees, a tempting prey ; To school where your initials may, Carved by your pocket-knife, I ween, On desks and benches still be seen. What could I better, O my friend, Than hitherward my footsteps bend ? Here first to Optics, Hydrostatics, And the whole range of Mathematics, In earnest I gave up my mind, And now the rich reward I find : At yearly audit I my share May claim, and feast on Fellows' fare. W. Ah, lucky dog ! in learned pride. In college you may still reside, Unplagued by what your friend befals, Far exiled from old Granta's walls : Of beef and mutton you your fill May eat, and dread no butcher's bill. Ah, lucky dog ! you still may dream Nigh sluggish Cam's familiar stream Still nigh the shaded ditch that bounds The Trinity and Johnian grounds. The bawling hear of hoarse bargees. Or blackbirds whistling in the trees. IMITATION OF THE FIRST ECLOGUE. 173 Sooner shall King's men^ wranglers be, Or Hobson's Conduit run with tea, Or Downing College be transferr'd To ]Magd'len bridge, " which is absurd," Than I become so base a traitor As to forget dear Alma Mater. \\\ But we unable here to stay, Must each begone his sev'ral way. Confined in schools to fag and sweat, As ushers some their bread will get ; Some with advent'rous daring fired. Will emigrate, and some retired Far from the world, as country curates. Will learn to talk of beeves and poor-rates. Ah, (Iranta ! shall it ever be That I once more shall visit thee? Once more admire King's turrets tall Down-looking upon fair Clare Hall ? Must a new undergraduate race Of Sophs and Freshmen fill my place. To all my haunts and toil succeed In College keep for honours read? Now, Walker, on y (Jullrc^cr iiu.'ii do iiul try for inatlic- iiri;:r:;l Ii'.iiour-, hccau-^c, uwin.L; to a pt-culiar cmnpD.^itiDii l)ct\vccn tlu'ir cdUi.-'- ail! tilt: uniwriiiy, they aic aihiiiitctl tu Uicir IJ.A. dcgicc with- out any univcr.iity cxaniiiiatiuii. 174 J^y CAP AND GOlViV. Alas ! the labour now were vain I cannot run my course again ! No more in Senate-house shall I My skill in solving problems try : No more, by glory onward beckon'd, Hope 'mongst the wranglers to be reckon'd ! Now farewell, ])upils ! farewell, fame ! I off the boards have ta'en my name. .s. Yet come what will hereafter, stay. And dine with me in hall to-day ; Then at my rooms your evening spend, And sup on college fare, old friend Cold lamb and sallad, bread and cheese. And ale and grog, so if you please. But hark ! the welcome bell I hear Proclaims that dinner-time is near ; The walks are emptied at the call, And hungry loungers flock to hall. J. G. ( 175 ) CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. Bv Thf.oi'HRAStus Tiiixgembob. No. I. The Studious Freshman. The Studious Fresliman comcth up red-hot from school, and thinketh much of astonishing the cosines. He considereth liimself now deci;ledly a man ; and hath lurking desires that he is also a great man. lie calleth with the governor upon the College Tutor, who inhumanly throweth cold water u[)on the governors confident prediction that his son will be senior wrangler. lie hieth forth with the College Tutor, and gftteth liiin herapjjed and begowned. He getteth a very long gown, vainly supposing that it betokeneth a very- long head. He putteth on his gown inside out, and his cap hack foremost. Nevertheless, he paradeth the streets considerably that day, nothing doubting that all are admir- ing him, though he wondereth not a little that the people Iiugh s(j at liim. 1 le goeth to hall, and requesteth his ncigh- b(;ur to (ar\e for him. lie ])urloineth his neighbtjur's jiota- toes. lie drinketh small beer and sizeth not. Hereixiireth to "s, and spendelh the \\\^ pounds his uncle gave him m book^. Ilebu}elh (jnc dozen of ('ambridge ])')rt, half a dozen (;f (Cambridge slierr\', and wondereth he cannot prr\;iil on liie w ine-meicliant t(j let biiu |)ay. He kee|)eth fnirteen ( liapels a-\veek. Ik; begiiiiielh to read at seven in tlie morning, and leaveth off at eleven at night; and findeth 176 IN CAP AND GOWN. that he knoweth not what he hath been reading about. He taketh ferocious constitutional walks. He writeth for all the University and College Prizes, and sitteth for all the University and College Scholarships, but getteth none. He pulverizeth the ass's bridge in lecture, and thinketh him- self a genius. He respondeth to and argueth with the lecturer familiarly. He goeth to a small bitch-party,^ and findeth his new gown taken "by mistake." He calleth it stealing, and is laughed at. He seeth not the lions of Cambridge for the first term. He maketh no acquaintance, readeth atrociously^ goeth home ill, and ultimately turneth out a Junior Op. No. H. The Flat Freshman. The Flat Freshman asketh the Boots at the Hoop to recommend him a good college to go to.^ He appeareth in a white choaker, aspiring shirt-collars, penurious breeches, and antediluvian cut-away coat. He goeth to Hall in his surplice. He sitteth in the Fellows' seats at Chapel. He putteth his cap on the wrong way. He receiveth a note asking him to wine with his Tutor, and going, findeth it a hoax. He sendeth a present of a Yorkshire ham to the Master of his College.^ He cappeth every big-wig and Fellow-Commoner whom he chanceth to meet. He speaketh deferentially unto his bedmaker. He taketh his walking- stick out when becapped and begowned. He walketh out ten miles into the country in his academical toggery. He calleth his private tutor " Sir." He goeth out by himself on the fifth of November. He buycth much wine on the recommendation of a Cambridge wine-merchant, who assureth him he hath very little left of such prime brew. He hangcth out a box of cigars. He biddeth high for * A tea-party. ^ Fact. ' Fact. CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 177 books at sales, and findeth he could have got them for half the money at shops. He subscribeth to the " Symposium." He ordereth supper whenever his friends require him, and findeth he hath a nice little bill to pay the college cook. He standeth up during the singing at St. Mary's, and dis- covereth not his error till the rest rise, when he sitteth down in confusion. He getteth cheated much, but suspecteth it not. He considereth the whigs a very respectable kind of people, and Saint John's a very bigoted college. He goeth to sign a petition for the admission of dissenters, and findeth he hath signed one for their exclusion, by mistake. He playeth at cards, and loseth not a little. He thinketh his own College the best in the University, and himself the sharpest fellow in it. He goeth home in the vacation, and taketh his gown with him in a blue bundle,' to show mamma how he looketh therein (which is flatter than he suspecteth). Me walketli al)out the town with only his cap on. He buyetli him a dog, of a gentleman in top-boots and game- keeper's garb, wlio warneth him not to let it be 'ticed away. Nevcrtlieless he losetli it in a day or two, and is not a little astonished at seeing the runaway brought home by his brotlier from Oxford, whitlicr he supposcth it must have migrated from a desire to see the world. Being acciden- tally surprised by a row in tlie street, he gettetli knocked down by a snob, and immediately seized upon by the I'rtjctor and rusticated, sine die, as a disorderly cliaracter. And so tlie Flat Frcslnnan goetli home in disgrace. Xo. ni. TiiK CoNCF.rrr.i) 1''rksiim.\x. 'I ln' Coiiccitrd Freslimnn may l)e known by liis pcn-roat, !oiii4 Lire.isy linir. e}"e-glass, and ante-nieridian cigar, tliese being llie ac( (nilrements wlierewith lie astonislieth tlie weak ' Jact. 178 IN CAP AND GOIVN. minds of the snobs and snobesses daily on the King's Parade. He nourisheth moustaches, and pretendeth that he really hath not had time to shave that day. He gesticu- lateth incessantly with an ebony walking-stick, having a large silk tassel appended thereunto. He cocketli his hat over his right eyebrow, and twisteth the hair on each side of his face into ropes, wherewith to draiv the belles. He goeth to King's Chapel ciuring the service, and strutteth up and down the middle of the ante-chapel, with his gown hanging from his elbows, and fully believing that he is universally admired. In Hall he endeavoureth to attract notice by talking loud, standing up to carve, wearing an obsolete gown, swearing at the waiters, and smashing plates. On Sunday evenings he walketh alone along Trumpington road, facing the crowd, and mistaketh their laugh of contempt for a smile of admiration. He telleth all his friends how he is really very clever, though they may possibly not perceive it ; and hinteth that were it not for the mathematics, he should surprise some persons by his place in the Classical Tripos. He hangeth his room with sundry domestic experiments in painting, and throweth out insinuations that the fair artist thereof was hopelessly enamoured of his own sweet self. He thinketh it a capital joke to finish the " tail of liis cigar" in the ante-chapel, and then to walk into cha})el with his surplice unbuttoned. He hath at all times a great antipatliy to the toga, the same being incompatible with the display of his figure and cut-away coat. In Lectures he committeth very atrocious blunders, and desireth to make his friends believe that he did so on purpose. Being too clever to do like the rest at the first College Examination, he getteth posted, and so posteth off home, looking rather smaller than he did when he first came up. CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 179 No. IV. The Fast Freshman. The Fast Freshman buyeth a gig and a boat the first week of his arrival, and calleth them his rattle-traps. He ordereth a cut-away coat on a new principle, which he settfcth off with a scarlet choaker (overwhelming his shirt- collars), pea-green Dutch slacks, thin-soled Wellingtons, two gold rings, and a shocking bad cap and gown. He swaggereth past the Master of his College with a cigar in his mouth, and without capping him and getteth a swingeing imposition for his pains. He rideth to Newmarket, regard- less of hall, during race week. He keepeth nine chapels the first week ; and only two the next, finding it considered as a slow thing. Being asked his name and college by the Proctor, he answcreth, "Snooks of All Saints." Fie cngageth a private tutor, but only visiteth him twice in the term. He getteth through little reading and much wine. He becometh a member of his College Pioat Club, being partial to ' a hoar." He fighteth lustily on the fifth of November, thougli he knoweth not for why, and telleth the Proctor to be d d. He maketh a point of being " gated"' nightly. He rejoiceth in surmounting his brain-pan with a very small piece of caj), the " timber" of which he smasheth and extracteth piece-meal, thinking, no doubt, tliat there is cncnigh wood already in the ujiper works. He keepeth a large dog. He contractcth debts willi all the wine- iiKTchants and none of the booksellers in the town. lie ne\er goeth to church on Sunday, ile never dinelh in liall. lie getteth rebuked for his exi)enses by the College Tutor, and taken fr(;ni the University by his fuller at the end of hi", first term. He piideth liimself in assuring his governor that he knew half the men in every college, and f.K tjlioud\- narr;:teth how that he made a false start \\\ i8o IN CAF AND GOWN. reading when he first came up, but will never do so again on any consideration, to which determination he most meritoriously adhereth. No. V. The Poor Freshman. The Poor Freshman buyeth a second-hand gown when he arriveth. He taketh the furniture of his apartment at a valuation, and contcnteth himself therewith. He sizeth not in hall. He weareth blue worsted stockings and hob-nailed shoes. He appeareth in a chocolate-coloured coat and drab trousers. He subscribeth to Stevenson's library. He always walketh out in cap and gown, having no hat. He advertiseth for pupils on very moderate terms, but getteth none. He driuketh no wine, and taketh in only one butter per diem. He writeth his mathematics on a slate, to save paper. He hath tea directly after chapel. He recommendeth himself by his diligence to his College Tutor, who procureth him an exhibition. He standelh high in his college examinations, and getteth a scholarship. He is despised and caricatured by the men of his college, and unknown to the rest. He maketh few, but attached and kind friends. He getteth washed, booked, clothed, grubbed, breaded, buttered, beered, and pockct-monied at the ex- pense of his College, to the great benefit of the governor's pur.se, and the relief of a poor sister, to whom he manageth to despatch an odd ten-pound out of his savings every Christmas. He always appeareth healthy, liglit-hearted, and happy, to the astonishment of the "last birds." He perscvercth in his studies silently unto the end, and turneth out Senior Wrangler by which both he and his family are rich to the end of their lives. CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. No. VI. The Home-bred Freshman. The Home-bred Freshman, being suddenly emancipated from small nursery thraldom, plungeth headlong into college life mucli as a raw beef-steak doth into the frying-pan. He is bewildered with the transition from the pinafore to the toga, and looketh upon his recent elevation in the world in somewhat the same light that a butterfly regardeth its elope- ment from the chrysalis. He immediately contracteth a furious friendship with the unhappy second-year man, whom the Tutor hath considerately saddled with the green-horn (besides about twenty others) ; and can hardly credit the catalogue of liberties which he hath recited unto him, par- ticularly touching the late hour of ten for closing the gates, and the delightful privilege of going to bed whenever he likcth. Having now more pounds in his pocket than ever he had halfpence before, he exhibiteth a marvellous ignorance (jf the ratio whicli a pound dotli bear unto a halfpenny, and an inclination to disencumber himself of his first allowance with a brave celerity quite enchanting to certain flat-catchers of his College. He ordereth him a superfluity of smart clothes, handsome furniture, and costly books ; not as yet sufficiently discriminating between ordinary prices and Cambridge prices. He is entranced at tlie obliging con- fidence of tradesmen in allowing tick^ and hesilateth not to run up many pretty little bills, all of which he directeth with (lelerlahle noiic/ia/aiice to be sent in to the Tutor, being pe( nliarly innocent in the ways of the world, he getteth rcidily eiUnipped by a iiiiiiig, in return, his rrejMtiU r(jiiipan_\- at agreeable card-parties, where they !;,\hillv relieve luin of his ^uperlluous car^li. Ileing inviled i82 IM CAP AND GOWN. to " champagne and loo " at the Pigeon and Fleece, lie findeth, with a feeling of shame, that to be fuddled with three glasses is considered a very slow thing ; and resolveth to practise drinking daily in private, by which magnanimous determination he soon learncth to "stand" as much Cam- bridge alcohol as the most approved red-nosed topers in the University. He now swaggereth about the horrid tyranny of " the governor," and protesteth that the nursery is de- cidedly unfit for a man of spirit. He escheweth all books (except novels) after the first fortnight, and becometh, in that short space, transformed from an interesting specimen of the "flat freshman" into a fine sample of the genus "fast freshman " (both which animals we did accurately delineate in Number Three of our popular Periodical). In fine, the Home-bred Freshman, never having met with temptations in life, seldom knoweth how to resist the numerous allurements to vice, which are presented all at once unto his irresolute mind, (and which indeed have not been far overdrawn by the unpopular Mister Beverley ^) : so that he eventually getteth into such a scrape as can only be atoned for by immediate rustication ; at the intelligence of which mamma and sisters turn white, the governor looketh black, and the culprit himself, however green he may have been at first, now findeth it high time to begin to look decidedly " blue. "' Xo. Vn. The Pestilent Freshman. The Pestilent Freshman is a kind of practical amplifica- tion of the school pickle a sort of locomotive pepper-box, whose delight is in bespattering the Uons with pungent jokes, and tickling them with unseasonable waggery. He is only a mcdification of the " Fast Freshman ; " the chief diffcrtnce * See above, p. 134. CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN: 183 being that while the latter maketh a fool of himself, the former maketh fools of others. He is the dread and annoyance of all the College authorities, against whom he is constantly- engaged in discharging a battery of unwarrantable wit. If of St. John's (which hath had the honour of nurturing several excellent specimens of Pestilent Freshmen), he investeth the stone eagle over the new gateway with a surplice, and poketh a walking-stick into his claw ; he tieth spectacles on to the swans' beaks, and setteth them adrift on the river to enjoy the benefit of their " new light ;" he twisteth a Conservative flag on an inaccessible pinnacle, and laugheth hugely at the ineffectual efforts of the porter to tear down the same. He puttetli a night-cap on Lady Margaret, and chamber-pots on the lamp-posts ; with numerous other funny pranks, very amu.-iing to himself, but ecjually offensive to the gravity of the I )ons. He goelh to the market and selecteth sundry large tea Services of yellow pottery-ware, desiring them to be sent immediately to the Flev. Mr. A. of St. John's, or the Rev. Mr. I!, of Trinity, as it may be, (giving the names of certain College Tutors), to be paid for on delivery; by which suc- cesshil joke half the Dons of his College are agreeably sur- prised to find their doors barricadoed with extensive assort- ments of vulgar crockery, all domestic appurtenances duly in<:lu(le(l. He deligliteth in sending other l''reshmen to the top of (Castle Hill to sec the term divide at midnight. He taketh lessoi^.s from other pestilent practitioners in "screwing ill '" the 1 )eans, and painting the d(Jors of tlie Lecturers' rooms red. He is very pugnacious, and walking in the streets suildeiily turneth and asketh a huge snol) " wliat the deuce he inciin by that?'' \\'hereat the snob (having done iiutliiiig at all) ( (Hilly answereth (as the IVstilent ["'reshnian inlLiiilrd he should), '" Ibjoky Walker,"' pro\"()< alive of a ( omkat. of wliicli tlie snob soon gettelh a belKfull, being no iiiat( h lor his i)ra(ti>A:d anta^oni^l. He LMjeth into 1 84 IN CAP AND GOWN. chapel with a white sheet over his shoulders instead of a surplice, and substituteth sundry popular songs for the anthem-books of the choristers. He taketh much credit unto himself for making the organ-blower drunk, and other- wise discomposing the service. He is constantly lounging about the College in a pea-coat, with his hands buried in the pockets thereof, staring in the face of the Dons whom he meeteth (and he meeteth them purposely), and whistling an insubordinate kind of ditty, to indicate his defiance of them. He procureth him a fiddle and goeth round in the dead of night, tweaking the catgut in every staircase of the College, by which he bringeth a very unpleasant scrape upon himself as well as his somnolent hearers. He delighteth in incurring the displeasure of the College authorities, and setteth at nought the penalties imposed. When " gated to six o'clock " for a week, he systematically absenteth himself from College until one, and when asked for his imposition, coolly sendeth word to the Dean that he hath not yet received it from his amanuensis. And the Pestilent Freshman continueth his obnoxious career until he either findeth tliat College is not the place wherein to display school tricks, or gettcth a serious warning from the ^Master and Seniors, or taketh more to his books and less to his jokes, or growcth grave by dis- covering that College Examinations are " no jokes," or, in fine (which is usually the case), findeth it exi)cdient to post off to Oxford, to kick his heels there, and practise waggery upon the Dean of Christ Church, or similar deserving objects. CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 185 No. VIII. The Musical Freshman. The INIusical Freshman we do incHne to classify as a distinct species, although considered by most Freshman- ologists as perfectly identical with the Pestilent Freshman. Moreover, we do deem it vastly essential to pourtray the genuine Musical Freshman accurately, seeing that there be no small number of pretenders as sham Musical Freshmen ; for verily most Freshmen, if asked, will arrogate unto them- selves that popular appellation. The genuine Musical Freshman, then, is generally likewise a home-bred as well as a pestilent freshman; music being an "extra" rarely taught (except Ijy the birch rod) in schools. He may be known by having his rooms crammed like an Egyptian catacomb with a peculiar kind of lumber, strongly resembling mummy cases, and containing the bodies of defunct fiddles and superannuated wind-instruments. He always sporteth a pianoforte, and seldom less than four flutes, wherewith he kcepelh up sucli a perpetual "pother o'er the heads" of the unliappy students underneath, as to com])el them two or three times a week to fire pistols up their cliimneys as a counter- bkist to the hideous annoyance. He never gocth to hear the sacred music in the college chapels (pronouncing it "execrable" ); but invariably payelh his seven-and-sixpence t(j liear Italian ditties squalled, and slip-sliod fantasias .ittempled, at concerts, upon which he delivereth elaborate (.liliques to his admiring friends for a inontli ;iflerwards. lie i,i perpetually humming and whistling tunes, at tlie entl ol wliii h he ejaculatelh, "splendid thing that !" or " sweet ;iir ilii.i ! '' He hath a whole library of obsolete nuisir, which he pilnietli oil' as a " glorious (ollectioii," lliongh he knoweth nol tile ( onleiils of one-tenth, he Iia\'ing puiTJiased them ,^re.it bargains at sales. He orderelh eollee and fiddles for i86 IN CAP AND GOWN. four, for the purpose of favouring the whole court with what he is pleased to dignify by the name of a " quartett ; " after which he inflicteth on the company an " original " com- position of his own, which (albeit it smelleth strongly of plagiarisms from Jem Crow and the Dead March in Saul) is nevertheless highly applauded. In his second term the Musical Freshman becometh emboldened to hang out a " septett " in the same style : wherein No. i puffeth the flute, No. 2 punisheth the pianoforte. No. 3 tweaketh the fiddle, No. 4 pummelleth the drum, No. 5 murdereth the violoncello. No. 6 grunteth on the bassoon, and No. 7 playeth variations with his closed hand in imitation of the French horn ; when the Dean unhappily breaketh in upon them, and gateth the drummer as a public nuisance for a month, and the rest for a week each, desiring them severally not to be so unpleasantly musical in future. No. IX. The Sporting Freshman. Of Sporting Freshmen there be annually imported many from the country into the University. They being usually higJi-breds we do therefore incline to consider them as a cross-breed between the Fast Freshman and tlie Home Freshman, though partaking mostly of the former character. The genuine Sporting Freshman doth of necessity keep him one horse at the least, witli the para[)hcrnalia, or rattle- traps whereof he not unfreciuently garnisheth the walls of his room, thereby assimilating it as far as possible into a stable ; which interesting illusion he heighteneth by a judicious disposition of whips, spurs, hunting pictures, racing cards and similar miscellaneous knick-knackery pertaining unto horsemanship, besides many guns, fishing-rods, and other rural vanities. Indeed, we did personally know one CHARACTERS OF FRESHMEN. 187 very Sporting Freshman, who kept his hunting-saddle and leather breeches constantly on his book-shelf. The Sporting Freshman knoweth the pedigree of every horse and the name of every black-leg at Newmarket, of the latter, indeed, he sometimes knoweth to his cost more than the mere names. He never toucheth a book of any kind by any chance or under any circumstances ; his governor, the Squire, having assured him that lie never learned how to worm a dog or sit in a saddle from Arrian or Xenophon, and therefore opineth that his hopeful son will not feel the want of them either, indeed, he rather questioneth whether those worthies knew too much about the matter. As to Euclid, he shrewdly abjure th it ; most wisely concluding that a man 01" spirit wanteth no straight lines except those which he cLittctli across country, and no circles beyond such as are described round a race-course. For divinity why, he never so much as goeth near a church except in a steeple-chase. He is constantly talking vociferously at dinner-time, to a party of "sporting birds" about tJie old mare, or tJic bay colt, or the grey lllh', or the chestnut something; and re- counteth to them what and wlio he met in his ride that liiorning, with every particular (saving and excepting the precise number of posts he ran against, or of tumbles he got). He is soon well known at all the livery stables, where he runneth many hills up and many horses down. He in- (iulgeth likewise in shooting in a small way, going out and scaring the blackbirds most magnanimously, I)ut not as yet \enturing to poj) at more aspiring game, lest he should him-elf he pojqied u[)on by Certain obnoxious kei/pers in the neighbourhood, which verily would be no game at all. He uIv.jvt we.ireth a rul-:iway coat, and red or green shawl by w;iy of clioaker. He e\'en sjitirtelh a red eoaL in his sei olid term, wliicli unlawful x-e-liiienl being quickly [)Oun(ed noon b\" the Tutor, is .^eut home to tlie g'nernor as u 1 88 AV CAP AND GOIVX. notification that the owner is afilicted with a severe scarlet fever, and as a proof of his advancement in poHte letters ; whereupon the said governor immediately sendeth it back to the son, commending his good taste, and telling him that health, air, and exercise are worth all musty, fusty Greek books and rubbishing mathematics in the University, or the universe either, in which old-fashioned opinion of the governor's we assuredly do most particularly coincide. Ohe, Jam Satis. C i5 THE VISION OF ST. BRA II AMU S. TorciiiNi; the Restoration of Monasteries. " Cuius velul aegri somnia vanae I'iii<^cntur ."-pecics." In 1843, 7- J^>'i^'>''', of St. John's^ lirou;:;Jit forward a motion at the Union, ' 'JJiiit till' s/rf-j^rossion of /nonastorios by Henry I'lII. has been viost injurious to the country, and the eirennistances of the f resent time iniperati~e:y demand the restoration of similar institutions." 'J'hc iiiolion 7. 'I/, earried, after a deliate 7idiieli lasted tliree iiie;iits, by 'i'i to 60. Mr. Ctarbs /:,::vt Cayley, of I'rinity {/>..4. 1845), ""-''''>/'-' the followin^^ jell d'e-prit upon tlie siil'ject. St. J'rahamus had fasted st. iiraim- ]M"om ten o'clock till four, imi> rcj Then a little slice of pork he took I'm told he took no more. lie took a little Audit Ale lor his i)oor stomach's sake ; Ik- sat him down in his armchair, And str(jve to keep awake. lie yielded unto no li^ht thou^^hls Tint rose his im'nd within : Kut tonight the ])e\il in In-, do/e, An'l s(jrrowcd for Ins sin. fVolu his I)i.)us cxcr- I90 IN CAP AND GOWN. St. John St. John unto the sleeper came, brini;eth untirhiin the 1 hat by thc firc was set ; garet, and Ancl hc led in his hand a saintly maid- reproveth , ,, - , - , him for giv- 1 he Ladye Margaret. ing place to the intiimity " Rise, sluggish spirit, look upon Her countenance divine ; I lead her to thee, sinful man, A pearl thrown unto swine." St. Brahamus bestirred himself (For his saintly zeal was rare) ; But he could not shake away his sleep, Nor rise from his arm-chair. "We thought to find thee combating, With spirit strong and fresh, The world's temptation manifold. The Devil and the flesh. while the " But siuce thou'rt grown less vigilant ' f h' - coimt'ry are To purgc thy country's sin, Thou shalt bear all the weight thereof Till thou canst rescue win." unatonedfor. St. Brahamus bestirred himself (Yea, with unwonted zeal), And it seemed he did a monstrous wciglit Upon his body feel : St. Braha- As if the Cross of Waltham Cross mils Ijeareth , . i i i ^ the burden \\ crc on huii suddcnly thrown, vents thTt And Grinstead Abbey's walls and roof wore sacri- ,,. , , ., legionsiy u crc addcd thereupon. defaced. the Lndye dt I'rofiindis. THE VISION OF ST. BRAHAMUS. 191 And crash came goodly convents, And churches fall'n to bits, And buried him deep in his troubled sleep, And lluttered his five wits. And still the tempest thickened, And higher grew the pile. But ever he'd a wink of the lady through a chink, And the light of her bright smile. St. Brahamus within him groaned, St. Kraha- ror lie was sore dismayed, vL-rscth with And thus to the blessed ^Margaret His orison he made. ' O Margaret, briglit Margaret, ^^'hatmay all tliis betide? How long must I be buried thus, All sick and squashed inside ? "' Then said the clerkly Margaret " I )onec temjjla refeccris, Atque (jrdines monasticos ; l)c]icla majorum luis." '() Margaret, bright Margaret, Don't lay it on so thick ; I'll get up a joint stock coinpii.nv, And ril (](.) ii like a bri( k. " I 11 get up a joint-stork coniiKnn , And found a Coiucnt lierc. And a Nunnery lair in Ilainwell town, And ill be all niLrht there.' Sl. i;raha- inu^ iM.ikcth 192 IN CAP AND GOWN. " Now hold thy peace, thou monk unclean, Or thy door I ne'er shall enter ; For a Johnian is ever a Cretan in soul ; Prava bestia, tardus venter. The Ladye " But I'll havc nionks throughout the land, prophecy/ And vcilcd sistcrs too. Who shall spend their lives in charity, With nothin" else to do. "And because this people is gone astray. Like sheep on a precipice, Our friars shall instruct them every one After his own device." She leaveth So shc left him a i^archment sealed fair, a token with ,,,, i , -,-, i-, i ^ > St. Braha- > hicli the Uramum Rule did state, Likewise a speech made ready for him, To speak at our debate. C. B. Cavi.ky. Trinity College, A'ovciiibo-, 1S43. ( 193 ) THE TRINITY JANUS. " Matutine pater, seu Jane libentius audis, Unde homines operuni primes ' vitaeque labores Instituunt (sic dis placitum,) tu carminis esto Principium 1 " IIOR. The follo-n-'in^ rcrscs, lu/iich 'C'ere ptiblished as a leaflet in 1846, zve7'e loritten by Mr. William A'jwx U'i^rain, of l^rinity, lulio took his B.A. dc^n-e in 1845. Said the laugliing Hyaena, Wlule moutliing a man, " My civil demeanour Deny if you can ! ' In mode suaviter,' Gaily I grin ; Ijut, ' in re fortitcr ' Tickle your skin." So smiles l>illy Janus, As friendly and warm As wiiling to gain us, As loath to ahn-m ; jjut, once in his power, And, lo, the black Fates I)es( end in a shower Of chajiels and gales. ' .Sc/7., innniinL; tliapi/ls. 194 J^ CAP AND GOWN. Then we catch t'other side Of the dupUcate phiz ; Nor wonder he hide One as ugly as HIS ! Sternhold Redivivus. Trinity College, 1846. ( 195 ) A DELECTABLE BALLAD OF THE JUDGE AND THE MASTER. This ballad, 'vhich was ptiblished in '' Bentleys Miscellany'''' for 1843, li'as occasioned by the back gate of Trinity College being closed ivhen the judge s carriage came to it. Dr. Whewell, the master, over- looked a clause in the charter, granted to the College by Henry VIII., luhich constituted the Lodge the judge's (jtuwters during the assizes. The stout Master of Trinitie A vow to God did make, Xe Judge, ne Slicriff through his back-door I'heir way from court should take. And syne he hath closed his big, big book, And syne laid down his ])en, And dour and grimly was his look, As he called his serving men : " Gome hither, come hither, my porter ^Vatts ! Gome hither, AToonsliine, to me ! !f he he Judge in tlie Justice Hall, I'll be Master in Trinitie. "And Sheriff (Ireen is a lordly man In hi^ coat of the velvet fine; but he'll rue the day that he took his way 'I'horough back-Lrate of mine! 195 IN CAP AND GOWN. " Now bolt and bar, my flunkies true, Good need is ours, I ween ; By the trumpet so clear, the Judge is near, And eke bold Sheriff Green." Oh, a proud, proud man was the Master to see, With his serving men behind, As he strode down the stair, with his nose in the air, Like a pig that smells the wind. And they have barred the bigger gate. And they have barred the small. And soon they espy the Sheriff's coach, And the Sheriff so comely and tall. And the Sheriff straight hath knocked at the gate And tirled at the pin : " Now open, open, thou proud porter. And let my Lord Judge in ! " "Nay, Sheriff Green," quoth the proud porter, " For this thing may not be ; The Judge is Lord in the Justice Hall, But the Master in Trinitie." Then the Master smiled on Porter Watts, And gave him a silver joe ; And, as he came there with his nose in the air. So back to the lodge did go. Then out spoke the grave Lord Justice " Ho ! Sheriff Green, what aileth thee ? Bid the trumpets blow, that the folk may know. And the gate be opened free." THE JUDGE AND THE MASTER. 197 But a troubled man was the Sheriff Green, And he sweated as he did stand ; And in silken stock each knee did knock, And the white wand shook in his hand. Then black grew the brow of the Judge, I trow, And his voice was stern to hear ; As he almost swore at Sheriff Green, Who wrung his hands in fear. '' Now, out and alas, my Lord High Judge, That 1 this day should sec ! When I did knock from behind the lock, The porter thus answered me. That tliou wert Lord in the Justice Hall, And the ]\LT.stcr in Trinitie. And the Afaster hath bid them bar the gate "Gainst kaiser or 'gainst king." " Now by my wig ! " quoth the Judge in wrath, ' Such answer is nut the tiling. " Break down the gate, and tell the knave '{"hat would slop my way so free. That the wood (jf his skull is as thick to tlic full As the wood of the gate may 1)C ! " 'I'lial voice so clear wlicn tlie porter did liear, liu trcMiblcd exceedingly; Then soon and straight lie flung open the gate, And the Judge and his train rode by. 'I'dM Twi.oi;. igS JX CAP AND GOWN. ON ''THE PLURALITY OF WORLDS" BY DR. WHEWELL. If you through the regions of space should have travelled, And of nebular films the remotest unravelled, You'll find as you tread on the bounds of infinity, That God's greatest work is the Master of Trinity. Sir Francis Doyle. ( 199 ) THE FIGHT OF THE CRESCENT A Lay of Modern Cambridge. On JManJi 6, 1S46, a distioiuiiice took flacc at the Toiun Hall, li'hcre General Totii T/ntiii'i icas bcini^ exhibited, and terminated in what ivas called the Tom ThiiDib Riot. For several days severe figlits took place in the nei;^hle a difficult matter. Perhaps Jinreason- able con fc Dipt 0)i tlic one hand, and ill-founded jealousy on the other, is sufficient to account for it. Hut ichatevcr is their cause, freqtient conficts have taken place between the toTon and tJie gown from earliest times. In a letter loriltcn by William Sooie {aftcrioards professor of civil lazo), and dated 1575, loe read of serious fights between the opposing parties. In 1597 a sl)vng feeling of animosity prevailed, and the undergraduates /tit uf-.'n a most ingenious diiice by 7oliich to revenge thoiisehes on the to7V)ispcople. A play called " Clitl> Laio^' loas perj'ormed in Clare Hall, ami tiic townspeople were inii/ed to -witness it. I/ie ^'' I'hilistei-," as the 7nod rn (ierman student 7ioi.ed -oilii disappro7-al 7/pon disliirlninces in- the street, bait on one occa- ion III-' undergraduates were pubdiclv iJianked for their pro~oack, or you'll be too late !" But the police are on them. And their truncheons fierce they ply ; Now the Fates save brave FitzA\'i,n.uins What a terrible black eye 1 Though ]\Ierrypcbl)les' head be The thickest in the ring, It scarce can 'scai)e unbroken ; Such staves must make it sinij Alone stood Sir 'I'om Noddy, i!ut ((jnslanl still in mind, ]'oli( cmcn pill liiiig in befjrc .And 'i'rinily behind. OG' 204 IN CAP AND GOWN. " Down with him ! " cried false Seabrook, As he mopped his bloody face ; " Now yield thee," cried the Inspector ; *' Now yield thee, to our grace ! " But brave Tom Noddy never deigned An answer ; no, not he ; But he floored the Inspector neatly As a man could wish to see : And through the storming townsmen And the irate police. He fights his passage manfully, And he wins the gate in peace. And now, his gown in ribbands. In the crowded court he stands. And " to call upon the next day," Receives the Dean's commands. And then with shouts and clapping, And hip, hip, hurrah, loud. He passes on unto his rooms, Borne by the admiring crowd. But he was rusticated By the Dons that very night ; And when he showed them his black eye, They said, " It served him right." But long at our wine-parlies, We'll remember how, like bricks. Stout Noddy kept the Crescent, In Eighteen-forty-six ! Tom Taylor, ( 205 ) TRINiry COLLEGE COMMEMORATION. Tltc followmg verses li'cre sctit to the ^^Cambridge Clironicle,'''' on the oceasion of the teixenfeiiary of Trinity College, by Charles Le Grice, of 7i-inity, luho graduated as B.A. in 1796. At Cambridge he was a contemporary and friend of S. T. Coleridge, ivitJi luliom lie established a literary society, and under the pseudonym of ^' Cergiel" he published a considerable number of poems. January 7, 1S47. Sir, 111 a remote corner of the kingdom I have been perusing, with pleasure, the hi-.tory of the grand doings at Trinity College on Coni- iiieinorntioii Day. As trilles in \erse as well as trilles of pastry seem to have been the order of the day, perha])s your readers (Mr. Vansittart especially) will be gratified if I pull out from the corner of an old scrap- book a song (iie\er bcft^re jjrinted) which was sung at Mr. \'oung's Rooms on (Jonimemoration Day, 1793, who had won the first cup. Tlu' subject of his declamation was to the elTect that "Oliver Crom- well'^ chaiacler had been much misrepresented by historians." 1 am, yours, CeR(;[ki.. (Lk Gkick.) A Song su.\g a'I' Mr. Youno's Rooms, Trim-in ( 'oi,ij;o!:, ox ('(^mmrmoration D.w, 1793. 'I'lii. Mniitiinn Hard set ;i pair (jfdry souls To clKillcnuc in verse for a pair of beech howls ; lint Il()n])er, a foe to sucli jiiiglini; \-exatioii, (1 ive lliis si)leiulid pri/e for s(jine s[)cechirK ation. 2o6 IN CAP AND GOWN. Ulysses and Nestor, speech-makers of old, Without a good cup could not gammon or scold ; But Hooper's no Nestor, and thought when athirst A man might speak better, so had the speech first. And rightly he reasoned, for ofttimes we know Their liquor was muddy, their speeches so so : Nay, these orators oft were so deep in their cups. That instead of fine language you had nought but hickups. The Declaimer at Athens was blamed for his toil ; His orations were said to smell strong of the oil : At such nasal critics, Young, never repine ; For, if you smell at all, it will be of good wine. The sorcerer's cup magic wonders would work Make a Jew turn a Christian, a Christian a Turk ; So if once with a draught from this cup you are mellow, Even Cromwell you'd swear was a good kind of fellow. 'Tis a magical cup ; come, then, fill it, my boy ; The gloom of dull sorrow 'twill light into joy; 'Twill heal every strife of affliction's harsh rod, If you're never made Fellow, 'twill make you a God. Fill, fill, and drink on ! see, its silvery light Sheds the sunshine of triumph, whose beams are delight ! Fill, fill, and drink on, till at length you resign The dregs of your life with the dregs of your wine ! Charles Le Grice. ( 207 ) THE RIGHT DIVINE. In 1S47 the Chaucdlorship of the University ^vas rendered vacant by iJie death of the Ditlce of Xorlhiiniberland. His Royal Iligkfiess the Prince Consort 7cas iwiucstcd to allow his name to be offered to the Senate as a candidate. I'his he declined to do, as the nomination of Lord I^vjis by others in the uniz'ersity con'i'inced him that there did not exist ''^ that dci^ree of 7i7ianimity zvliich ivonld leave him at liberty to consent to be put in nomination." l he committee, hi'TL'ever, 7ohich had been formed to further his catuiidalure, convinced that he -.could be supported by a majority of the .^ejtate, decided to carry the matter to the test of an election, and the result li'as that the J\ ince Consort 7oas elected, after an exciting poll, by a majority of W]. Dr. IVhe-Li'cll 7eas Chtairman of the J''rince's committee, and Il)r. Tatham, Master of St. JoJiii s, 7i'as Lord I'ozois'' s Chairman. 7 he elec- tion zoas conducted Zi.'ith a great deal oj acrimony on bothi sides, and the J'rince lost some supporters on Dr. II he:oell's insisting to carry the matter to a poll in spite of the J'rince's exj/vssrd intent/on not to stand. Of these seceders the most prominoit vas Dr. Il'elb. oj ( lore Hall. It ivas said bv J'rfessor .Sedgroick that I'o:ois loas patronised by three Ps Punch, J'usevites, and /'igs. 7 he I'rince got the i'etter of the e'ection. Inil the folloioing ]c\\\ d'csprii 7.77/ Jioio that the 7oit 7oas decidedly on the other side. 'Vo win tlic ("ourt in in.niy a llinisy line, 'I'nu l;iri;ins prattled of the x\'f\\i divine; They said "twcrc ,L,''>iili-iS woik to contravene A Iioly ili.^hop or anointed (Jiiecii. i!ut when, tlieir \ain \a.', iii> ^ to retrench, A soverei.L^n ni(;\ed llie Ajio.itolic IJenc h. 2o8 IN CAP AND GOWN. There was an end to meek obedience then, The Crown was nought, the Bishops were but men ; And so they left their prelates in the lurch, To seek a vague Morgana of a Church ; And now, revengeful, play the dastard's part, To wound their sovereign in her woman's heart : From whence I learn their creed, which is not mine That a Tractarian is the right Divine. ( 209 ) WHOM DO YOU VOTE FOR? The Tractarian. \VnoM do you vote for? My Lord Powis. \\'liy ? because I hope, When the time comes, he will help us i'o bring back the Pope. The Joliniau. A\'liom do you vote for? INIy Lord Powis. A\'hy ? r.ccause I read J'li/iih and, like all godless noodles. Only know his creed. Country clcj-i^ymafi. Whom do you vote for ? My Lord Powis. W'liy? liecause he's done Russell cnit of five new liishojjs And I may be one. L<>yalist. Whom do vou vote for? For Prince Albert. Why ? Pecause 1 ween lie's die noble-hearted husband ( ){ our ncjble-hearted ( Uieen. IN CAP AND GOWN. THE RIVAL CANDIDATES. The military hat invented by Prince Albert is luell known. Lord Poivis had " rescued a mitre" by strenuously opposing the amalgamation of the sees of Bangor and St. Asaph. Prince Albert on this side, Lord Powis on that, Have claims than which none can be sHghter ; The Prince's consist in inventing a hat, The Peer's in preserving a mitre. Then why, ye Collegiate Heads, do you run Into all this Senate-House bother? Can it be that the youth who invented the one Has a share in dispensing the other ? A Gloss. Since Albert's refusal is plain to be seen, Your conduct, O Uons, is unwary : Do you think he means what we know you would mean If you said " Nolo Episcopari " ? Staikord O'Brien, M.A. Trimty College. THE ELECTION OF THE CHANCELLOR. ScEXF. Lord Powis's Coinjiiittee Room. Time Nig/it, February 25. E)tter Powisirr., Punch, Puseyite. To:^nsife. ()\CE tlie Prince hath ^ahicd the day, Tidic/i. Once lias Punch reviled in vain ; Tiiscyite. Popeiluia faints bestir ! bestir ! All. Rcjund alKJut the country run ; Stir, )e Jolmians, Sire and Son. Lord P. Prcjmise to the Churchmen sees, To the Welshman /t'ci'^/tv/ cheese, To the Radical the sport Springing from an humbled Court. Threaten tliese and these cajole, Anything to swell the Poll. All. I!e the burden rjf our song, Wrong is right and right is wrong. Tioieli. PuiK hite scribblers ! Impish brood ! l)ip }our [Jcns in cobra's blood! Dignities, oh ! spare ii;)t one, Sp.ir.j )-e Irast of ;dl the thi'dne ; (InthcT still and slill rrpiat Shallow pun and crude cc^nceit ; \2 IN CAP AND GOWN. Con and learn and get by rote Every lowborn anecdote, Then with the assassin-knife Stab alike the Queen and wife. Puseyite. Puseyites, the hour is come ; Up and strike a blow for Rome ; Queen and Peers and Commons fall, So our Church is lord of all. Grant us. Fortune, but a day Of the Torquemada's sway. Rack and fire soon should be Arbiters of victory. Though with ire the heart be sick 'Gainst the hated heretic, Needs must be we pause a while, Hide it with the gracious smile, Pliant tongue, and Jesuit wile. All. Be the burden of our song. Wrong is right and right is wrong. ( 213 ) PRINCIPLE AND PRACTICE. Bv moral force a threatened Church to save, You once your virtuous loves to Lyndhurst gave ; But now, that danger o'er, a statesman needed, To your affections Powis has succeeded. Thrice happy Johnians ! equally discerning In Church and State, in Morals and in Learning. 214 IN CAP AND GOWN. UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE. Whene'er, with loathing eyes, I view The building which they're polling in, I honour those heroic few Who're fighting nobly for the U- niversities of Englishmen. Fair Freedom, maid of heavenly hue ! Whose form we once delighted in Alas ! our Senate then was true ! We loved her as becomes an U- niversity of Englishmen. Her faded form ! how swift she flew ! A royal chariot riding in. Borne on the courtly breeze that blew One gloomy day on this our U- niversity of Englishmen. What ! spurn we one who's proved him true (The blood my veins is clotting in I) To God, the State, to Churchmen too? And would we have a Eutheran U- nivcrsity of Englishmen. UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE. 215 What ! are our honoured peers so {(^w, So sunk the rank of Enghshmen, That we must dog-hke fawn and sue A foreign Chancellor for the U- niversity of Englishmen ? Sun, moon, and thou vain world, adieu, That priests and such are plotting in ! Avaunt ! I'll never live to view A German reigning in the U- niversity of Englishmen. 2l6 IN CAP AND GOWN. SPOR TING INTELLIGENCE UNI VER SIT Y S WEEPS TA KES, CA MB RID GE. The subjoined list will, we believe, stantially correct : Prince Albert's Lord Powis's .... Dr. Tatham's .... Professor Sedgwick's Dr. Graham's .... Dr. French's .... Mr. Hope's .... Mr. R. Williams's . Mr. P. Allix's .... Mr. Arlett's .... The Vice-Chancellor's Sir F. Pollock's The Public Orator's Mr. Bateson's .... Dr. Wordsworth's . Mr. Hildyard's Mr. Leah's .... as far as it goes, be found sub- The Chancellor. First Fault. Dilemma. Robin Goodfellow. Balm of Gilead, out of Etiquette. Polish. Pope of Rome. Presumption. Top-boots. Pluck. Senior \\'ranglcr, by First Class. Provisional Director. Jaw-bone. The Bagman. Mistake, out of Birch Rod. Cantankerous. Puseyite (late Pro- testant Colt). SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 217 Dr. Webb's . . The Marquis of Granby's Dr. F. Thackeray's . Mr. Hopkins's Dr. Hawtrey's . Lord Clive's . Mr. R. Birkett's Duke of Buccleugh's Dr. Archdall's Bishop of London's Mr. Justice Patteson's INIr. Williamson's Mr. Snowball's Lord Nelson's Dr. \\'huwcirs . ]Mr. W. H. Thompson's ]\Ir. Adams's . :Mr. IL Mansfield's Zig-zag. Manners !!!!!!! Alterative. Head-Coachman. Whipper-in. Riquet with the Tuft. King of Trumps. Scott's Lot. Mrs. Gamp. Canterbury Pilgrim. King's Bench. Lady-bird. Melting-day. E Nilo nihil fit. Rough Diamond. A-don-is. Airey-nothing by Chalice out of Planet. Bottom the Weaver. 2i8 IN CAP AND GOWN. A FRAGMENT TOUCHING THE LYCEUM. This letter is said, with ivhat truth I knoiv not, to have been sent to the " Standard,^^ when the contest for the Chancellorship was at its height ^ and to have been inserted by the editor in total ignorance of its meaning. A few points reqiiii'e ehtcidation. l'hccro7vn of the Lyceum is, of course, the " Chancellorship." Phocion is Lord J^o'uis, and the defence of the ^^ tomb of Aristotle" refers to his rescue of the diocese of St. Asaph. Phrancinus and LLyperboreus are Drs. FrencJi and Wheivell, the Masters ofyesus and Trinity 7-cspectivcly ; A nonet us is the Prince Consort ; and Arte??iisia, the Queen. To THE Editor of the " Staxdard." Sir, In an old English author, who (like Burton, in his "Anatomy of Melancholy "' ) abounds in jiassages of which the diction is cast in so antitjue a mould, that it is difficult to tell whether they were originally English, or were literally translated from the Greek, I find the following curious fragment. A learned friend has conjectured it to he a transla- tion from Theophrastus, but it seems to myself to savour more of the style of Eudemus, and it looks exceedingly like a passage from one of the lost books of the Eudemian Ethics. iVltogether, if the pressure of contemporary politics will allow you to insert it, I think it wuuld be found full of interest to the learned world. The author might seem to be of the Cynical School, but the names of ]iersons all nearly con- temporary seem to fix it clearly on a Perijiatetic teacher. I am. Sir, your obedient servant, RUIUTER Ca.ntaurigiexsis. " Concerning literary men, why they shotild evermore be mercenary, and whether they be so, or whether this be a calumny of the multitude, it follows to inquire. Is it that, A FRAGMENT TOUCHING THE LYCEUM. 219 while they say excellent things of the nobleness of virtue and the dignity of science, they do not believe in themselves, but repeat what is set down like actors in the mimes ? This were altogether base. Or is it that, being poor, and not having a sufficiency of daily things, neither gold in their souls, as Plato said, they are dragged away, like the incon- tinent, to act against tlieir will the part of servile flatterers ? This, again, were pitiable. Or is it rather that, where virtue and science are studied, not for the sake of good living, but for a livelihood, 'they make the intellect sharp, but leave the practical part of the soul no whit the better? Now we see this both in otlicr cases and especially in academies, where men talk like philosophers, but live like sycophants, bowing down greatly to princes. Though some have thought this was rather the f.iult of the elder and craftier masters, who wheedle or compel the more generous and simpler sort. As in truth was seen in the crown of the Lyceum, which was by comniuii consent to be given to the most worthy citizen. For tliis the larger and better part would fain have offered to Diocion, who was both in other respects worth}-, and had defended the tomb of Aristotle against Demades and his rabble. " But some of the elder and more worldly wise, among whom Were Plirancinus and II\'perboreus, said among tliemsclves, ' ^Vill it not lie better to give the crown to .'\nonetus, who, being rich, and the friend of Artemisia, will ]irorure us much good? 1 )i(l not Artemisia give a prize to 'i'heoderies. and if we clioose Anonetiis, will slie not send us trees for our gro\-e, and chairs for our old men, and also I'er.^iaii niilres? (Contrariwise, if we give the crown to i'liocion, We sli;ill do what is right indeed, but utterly \\n- prolit'.Ijle. :md be ])raise(l only of t'le -impler sort of men.' ''liiM^ taxing, the elder men apjieared to themselves wise, ami uA'\ tlie sclxjlars it was seemly to be unanimous ; 220 IN CAP AND GOWN. so that many consented in the evening to that which in the morning they had grievously condemned. So the cunning- ness of the iQ.\v prevailed against the simplicity of the many which loveth mostly to be generous. Some, however, mur- mured and thought it base ; for this Anonetus, though eminent in wealth, and in the favour of Artemisia, was, in the matters of the Lyceum, that which his name declares." [Caetera desunt.] ( 221 ) MR. J E AMES'S SENTIMENTS ON THE CAMBRIDGE ELECTION. The follo-.i'iii;^ letter, from the hand of Mr. Thackeray, appeared in " Flinch,'^ vol. xii. '' Anti-Juniits!' A long letter over this signattire appeared in the " Tirnes," ii [h\A. 1S49), '^'^^0 7.'as elected to a fellowship at Clare Hall in 1854. A STILL small voice spake unto me, " Thou art so sure of thy degree, Were it not better have a spree ? " 'I'hcn to the voice I answer framed, '' Let me not in the gulf be named, ^\'ho am so wonderfully crammed." 'lo which the voice made answer, "Stop ! T^ast year I saw a Junior Op Come from the Robe Purveyor's sho[). ' An inner force had changed the blue C)f his old gown ; from cap to shoe I lung mantling folds of sable luic. ' lie tied his strings, like silk the}' sliow'd ; 'i'liro' cmirl and cloister, street and road, A livinu ba( helor he strode." 234 IN CAP AND GOWN. I said, " When first our year began, Our freshmen through ten classes ran ; I in the sixth the second man. " They taught me Euclid, they imprest Proportion, and, above the rest. Equations on my head and breast." Thereto the silent voice rejoined, " Thy bumptiousness doth make thee blind ; Look up, and learn a wiser mind. " Will thirty coaches render plain Deductions to thy shallow brain, Or make thee rival Mould or Maine ? " " Think'st thou that in the printed list There stands not many a Questionist Of better powers and clearer fist ? " It spake, moreover, in my ear, "Tho' thou shouldst in the gulf appear, The like doth happen year by year." Then did my response clearer fall, " No two in college or in hall Have friends acrrceina: all in all." To which he answered scoffingly, " Poor soul ! and will they weep to sec Their gulfed one's sad deficiency ? THE TWO VOICES. " What sire," he added with a scoff, "Cares sixpence tho' his senior soph Be poHshed by another off?" I would have said "Thou can'st not know How fiercely up my sire would blow," But feared lest he should think me slow. Again the voice spake unto me, " Thou art so sure of thy degree. Were it not better take a spree ? "Thy senses thou dost oversteep In cram, nor any limit keep ; Thou canst not read, but thou must sleep ! " I said, " I'm making some advance, Thougli I make i)ale my countenance. Let me not llirow away a cliance. " Were it not well to spend mine hours \w taking altitudes of towers. Or raising //. to minus jjowers ? 'A wrangler's jjlace I yet miglit take, lAn yet." But lie, " What coach can make A man so sliaky cease to sliake ? " I we]'t, ' Tliougli T l)e jilurked, I know 'I'lmt ('.am will to the ocean How W'ilh lloatiiig squares cjf tinted snow ; 236 IN CAP AND GOWN. " And Bachelors of every sort, Forgetting all they have been taught, Be Bachelors, though I am not ! " This argument did floor him quite ; He ceased, and hissing in despite, Directed up the blue his flight. C. J. Taylor and A, A. Vansittart. ( 237 ) EPIGRAM On Mr. John Cowling, of St. John's College, who was an Unsuccessful Candidate eor the Representation of Cam- bridge Universfiy in 1S50. Mr. Ricliard Sliilleto, li'Jio li'as one of tlic finest Greek scholars Cai)i- /ir'di^e has produced, graduated as a B.A. in 1S32. Nearly the 'oJiole of his life ivas divofed to the drudgery of teaching, and lie i^as never able to do Justi'e to his brilliant attaitnnents. Indeed, leisure for independent research 7,'as never gi'cen him until 1S67, 7i'hen he Teas elected to a felloTo- ship at Peterhouse. J/c died in 1876. Desinit in piscem teterrima vacca superne, Mirus in Ionia sus tibi grumit hara. As I strayed by the side of tlie Johnian sty, A new'-farrowed comical pig did I spy, With the head of a beast and the tail of a fish To abortions like this Alma Mater says, " Pish !" R. Shillkio. 238 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE SUMMER ASSIZES OF 1850, At which the Judges were Mr. Justice Patteson and Baron Alderson, while Gunson, oe Christ's, was the Preacher. A Justice a Baron -a Preacher sons three ; The Preacher a son of a Gun is he ; The Paron he is the son of a Tree ; Whom the Justice is son of I cannot well see But Patcrson, spell him, and then you'll agree That the son of his leather the Justice will be. R. Shilleto. ( 239 ) A PARADOX. Tlic;-: lilies :i\-rc m-ittcii on the occasion of Dr. Guest succeeding Dr. Benedict Chapma)i as Master of Caius in 1852. Oh ! men of Caius, I syrapalliizc In ihis your strange disaster, \"our Benedict unmarried dies, \'our Guest becomes your master. R. Shii.leto. 240 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE USELESS DON. The close tra7islatio7i from the ^'IVas/'s" of Aristopha/ies which folionis roas suggested, no doubt, by the controversy on idle felloiuships raised by Dr. Todhunter's paper on the " University Commission " in the '^Eclectic Rroieiu" for 1852. Wasps, regents, and non-regents, a-cjirJKes o|uKap8tot. But, alas ! we've drones among us, sitting each in easy chair, Stingless as their lore is pointless, who devour our hard- earned fare ; Lolling idlers, without learning, without labour, without care. And to us this is most painful, when effete unlearned Don Sups us up our porridge, who for Alma Mater has not one Pupil, not one hour of teaching, not one headache under- gone. Graces henceforth I'll non-placet, which allow the useless drone Stingless should he be, to pocket wages which are not his own. R. Shillkto. ( 241 ) THE DEATH-WARRANT. In 1852 JoJm Death, livery stable keeper, gave notice that he ruould sue a member 0/ Ike Utiivcrsity for a debt of ,\\Ty, contracted -while he ivas an undergraduate. He was summoiied before the Vice- Chaticellor, Dr. Okes, Provost of Ring's College, for allowing an undergraduate to contract a debt of more than <,. lie came with his solicitor, Air. Cooper, followed by a mob. Mr. Cooper 7vas refused admittance, and Death refused to appear niiless accompanied by his attorney. " PalliiJa AFors aequo pulsat pede paupcrum tabernas Rcgumque turrcs." Our Heads of Houses 'faith, it takes one's breath To think upon their boldness summoned Death ; And Death, to add new terrors to his name. Hacked by a lawyer, to the meeting came. Ill-omened couple ! Their united powers Might well dismay far wiser Heads than ours ! No wonder then they did what most would do, Sported their Oaks against the awful two. I'alked of his speech, the lawyer homeward hied, Tale as his client, and more mortified. A. Long. 242 m CAP AND GOWN. VALEDICTORY ADDRESS TO THE DEAN. The " Valedictory Address to the Dean" was written by the late J. Clerk Maxwell, of Trinity College. This distinguished man of science took his B.A. degree in 1854, atid two years later was appointed to a fellowship at Trinity College. After holding professorships at Aberdeen and icing's College, London, he returned in 187 1 to Cambridge, to fill the ne7vly founded chair of Experimental Physics. This appointment he held until his death in 1879. The Rev. J. A. Frere, Fellow and Dean of Trinity College, was presented by the Society to the living of Shi llington, in 1852, but, according to custom, was enabled to hold his fellowship for "a year of grace." The version of Clerk MaxweWs poem here given is from a manuscript copy in the possession of Mr. J. W. Clark. It differs in some particulars frotri that printed in Messrs. Cainpbell and Garneti's ^^ Life of f. Clerk Alaxwe II." John Alexander Frere, John, When first we were acquent, You lectured us as Freshmen, In the weary term of Lent. But now you're gettin' old, John, Your end is drawing near, So I think we'd better say good-bye, John Alexander Frere ! John Alexander Frere, John, How swiftly time has flown ! The weeks which you refused us Are now no more your own. VALEDICTORY ADDRESS TO THE DEAN. 243 Tho' time was in your hand, John, You hngered out the year, A year of grace and cash unto John Alexander Frere I There's young Monro of Trinity, And Hunter bold of Queen's, Who scorned the Chapel system, And vexed the souls of Deans ; But all these petty squabbles More ludicrous appear, When we gaze on thy departing form, John Alexander Frere. There's many a better man, John, AVho scorns the scoffing crew, i>ut kcc[js with fond affection Tiic notes he got from you : " ^\'hy Mr. Smith was out last night Till two o'clock or near, The Senior Dean requests to know : Yours truly, J. A. Frere." John Alexander Frere, John, I wonder what you mean By mixing up your name so \Vith " me " and with " the Dean." Another Don may dean us, liut ne'er again, we fear, Shall we receive such notes as yours, Jolm Alexander Frere. 'J he I.ei ture Room no more, J(jlm, SIkiU hear tliy drow.sy tone ; 244 IN CAP AND GOWN. No more shall men in Chapel Bow down before thy throne : But Shillington with meekness The oracle shall hear That set St. Mary's all asleep, John Alexander Frere. Once more before we part, John, Let all be clean forgot Our scandalous invectives, And thy consummate rot ; For still 'neath all conventions The small heart lived sincere. The kernel of the Senior Dean, John Alexander Frere. J. C. Maxwell. ( 245 ) RIGID BODY SINGS. Gin a body meet a body Flyin' through the air, Gin a body hit a body, Will it fly ? and where ? Ilka impact has its measure, Ne'er a' ane hae I, Yet a' the lads they measure me, Or, at least, they try. Gin a body meet a body Altogether free, How they travel afterwards A\'e do not always see. Ilka ])roblem has its method By analytics high ; For me, I ken na ane o' them, But what tJie waur am I ? J. C, Maxwki.l, 246 2N CAP AND GOWN. THE RAPE OF THE LOCK. This foem was zvritten under the following circumstances. Mr. H. W. Lord, B.A., of Trinity College, wlio was then sitting for a fellowship, appeared in the sicmnier vacation of 1856 with a moustache. lie was at once sent for by the dean, and ordered to remove it or to go down at once. He chose the former course, and revenged hijnselfby writing a Latin poem on the subject, a copy of which he sent to the dean. 7 he verses were aftenvards translated by him into English for the benefit of the unlearned. It is this translation which we print here. Farewell, too little and too lately worn ! Let the rude breezes bear ye where they list : For this defied I the chill dews of morn, In rain or sunshine ne'er a chapel missed ; Was never gated ; never drank too much. Or, if I did, I ne'er behaved as such. As the tall corn-ears bristle o'er the plain, So scanty bristles o'er my lip were spread ; As fields in summer bear their golden grain, IMy lips bore golden crops, or rather, red. Vain all my toil ! ah, had they never grown. The grief of parting I should ne'er have known ! Each morn I used to dress them at the glass; I seemed to comb and count them as I slept. In one fell swoop a month's long labours pass ; The ruthless razor o'er those lips has swept. Oh, what so hard but would some pity feel, Save Deans and razors, and such things of steel ? THE RAPE OF THE LOCK. 247 Dean ! is thy seat so lofty that its snows Have sunk into thy heart and settled there ? Can my beard mar the heaven of thy repose ? So great a man and such a little hair ! A half-moustache ! yet what ourselves have reared AVe love, though but a demi-semi beard. Farewell, my greatest care by night and day ; My greatest care, though for so small a spot. What though the bitter scoffer call thee hay ! Ah, too prophetic of thy withered lot ! For thou wast cut as grass in early spring Oh for a Pope this ravished lock to sing ! Too soon, too soon ! for scarce had ye been taught To bear my fondling fingers' tender twirl : Scarce coyly yielding learnt the while to court The toucli that strove to win ye to a curl. flow shall I mourn? Oh, teach me how ye sung, Foxes sans tail, and vixens too sans tongue. Not more his lost Sec doth a Master mourn ; That See whose sickness is but conscience' qualm, His eyes again shall greet the fluttering lawn : My shorn locks flutter nor in wind nor calm. Not more do jesters their lost jokes lament, When l'"easts and Fellows flourish after Lent. Adieu, dear relics ! breezes, waft them wide ; Hurled be my chaff o'er every sea and coast. Lf) ': in dim future over Time's dull tide A licardcd few defy a beardless host. More bald than bold the baffled heroes fly, Or fall content in shaving's cause to die. 248 IN CAP AND GOWN. Arise, Avenger, from those locks of hair, Break the shorn tyrant's serried panoply ; Our youth the gift that Nature gives shall wear, Our lips shall moult before no Dean's decree ; And Seniors, pale with envy of our crop, Shall beat their brains out with the shaving-strop. H. W. Lord. ( 249 ) THE DEATH OF THE CAPUT. The " Caput," over the death of which Shilleto here mourns, was for centuries one of the most important institutions in the University of Cainl'ridge. It consisted of the Vice-Chancellor atid fiiie others. Three of the latter were heads of colleges, or professors representing the faculties of divinity, law, and physic, while the other tzuo were the senior mem- bers of t lie N'on-I\.t'gc7it and Regent House respectively . The N'on- Regctit House included all M. A . 's of more than five years'' standing ; the I-iegent House, IM./Ws below that standing, who, u)itil the practice of public dis- putation ceased, presided in the schools (regere in schola), A7ty inember of the "Caput" could veto any proposal brought forward or any grace submit ted to the .Senate, and the Vice-Chancellor ivas supreme in the " Caput." // Tivn- replaced by the Council. A XAMr: hath perished, handed down from (Ireat Ehzabeth ; Crowd, ladies old, and celebrate the last rites due to death. Go ye upon your pious task, for the dead Caput mourn ; The Veto, enijity name, sleeps low in everlasting urn. If a fond lingering regret for regent touch your hearts ; If for non-regent, seniors both of Masters skilled in Arts ; If for the vetoing power once given unto the Doctors three, \\'h(j erstwhile went to represent each learned Faculty ; Co ye in crowds, ye ladies old ; loose. Elegiac Muse, Thy l(K;ks dishevelled : Cranta sad her defunct Caput rues. \'c Seventeen, who over halls or colleges preside, Ilentcforth with you the reins of power the Senate shall divide. So we amongst ourselves henrefjrth our share of h(jnour liold, So you'll not feather fjr yourselves your nests, ye ladies old. 250 IN CAP AND GOWN. See yonder man with drooping wings, Lord of Emmanuel, To whom his wondrous archness gives his name's first syllable, Who seeks, as duck at thunder-tide, with uprolled eye the clouds, And in his toga's ample fold his sacred loins enshrouds. Why, old man holy, weepest thou ? A council shalt thou see. Where the Vice-Chanccllor is past and ever past shall be. So shall a Caput still be left albeit the Caput's dead : So, as before, a Caput yet reigns in the council Head. Nor add we one, but four beside ; a portent strange and greater Than Hydra docked by Hercules brings forth our Alma Mater. So shall thy forehead's solemn grace preserve its honours due; So shalt thou haply be thyself part of the council new. Still Corrie's firmness shall survive ; we shall be still beguiled By Whewell's courteous gentleness, and Cartmell's wisdom mild. R. Shilllto. ( 251 ) THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE. These Z'c/Scs on the University Boat-race appeared in a short-lived periodical entitled^'' llic Keahn,'^ 7i'hich zi'as edited by ]\[r. G. J. Cay ley, and monbered Mr. Mortimer Collins and Mr. Arthur Locker among its contributors. Which of all moments of life brims over with glory suprcmest ? Sweet, Senior Wrangler and Smith's Prizeman, to pass Double birst .' Sweet, in your maiden speech to astonish the Treasury liencJK'S, While even I'almerston grunts, "^ 'Gad ! here's a chap that can siieak." Sweet, amid lime-trees' blossom, astir with the w"hispers of springtide, Maiden speech to hear, elotpicnt murmur and sigh. Ah, but tlie joy of tlie Thames, when Cam with Isis con- tending, V\) the Imperial stream flash the impetuous Kights ! SweL-ping and strong is the stroke as they race from I'utncy to M(;rtlake, Shying the Crab-tree biglit, sliooting througli Ilan^mersmith r.nd-e; Onward clastic tliey strain to the deep low moan of the Kjwlock ; 252 IN CAP AND GOWN. Louder the cheer from the bank swifter the flash of the oar ! Ay, and the winners that day, whether light blue win it or dark blue, Seldom hereafter in life glory supremer shall know ! Mortimer Collins. ( 253 ) YE MOST PLEASAUNTE DREAME OF CO EL Ens, YE C AMBRY DGE FELLOW E. The Cclil'atc tjiicstion 'i-'as very much debated in 1S56-7. The late Dr. Tolls issued a priiiled letter, s!tg;^esti)ig that a memorial should be pre- sented on llie su'ijeet to tlie University Commissioiwrs. Shilleto ^urote one of his liyilliant Aristoplianie dialogues, called " /sx Satyri (piXoydfjiois 'Eraifjois," ii>liile " Ye most Tleasau?ite D?-eame of Coelebs, ye Cam- brydge d'elloire,'' -..diich -,i'as written by Air. Cuthbert Bede, appeared in " Tunc/i,^' and is here reprinted by permission. A Ff.i.lowe it was of Trinityc, And lie layc on ye grassye grounde, On yc hither ripe of ye muddy Cam, In a drcaniye summer swound. Like ye mains pastor do?-iinvit he Sn films lay and snored ; And he slept soc soundc, it was plainc to see With his beddc he was not bored. A resident I-'cllowe lie was, I wis, He had no cure f)f soules ; And across }e liridge of Sties'^ he'd come J'roin i^layinge ye game ofbowles. ' Will^nritcr, Si.fu. 254 IN CAP AND GOWN. And now, aweary, he laye and slept, As lazye as was the river ; And ye limes made a shadye networke About his head to quiver. Ho ! Fellowe, what are your thoughts, I aske : Ho ! Fellowe, what do you dreame ? He dreameth, alas ! what comes not to pass On ye banks of that sluggish streame. He dreams of a bright-eyed, browne-haired girl. Sprightly and gleesome enow, Who, in an aunciente Rcctorye house. Is keepynge their trewe love vowe. She has waited and watched for wearye years, 'Tis a long engagemente, I ween ; And her face doth 'gin to pale and to thin, Though not by her it is seen. Yet others are quick to mark what Care And anxious Waitinge have done ; Others can trace in her patiente face Ye wrecke that Time hath begunne. She has no fortune, save hersen. Though that is a treasure, I trow. Yet not enow for ye keepynge of house. As times and taxes goe. And he has nought but his Fellowshippe, And not marrye on that he maye : For gin he marries, his Fellowshippe He loses for ever and aye. YE DREAME OF COELEBS. 255 And soe they are in a dysmal plyghte, Tethered and tied to a stake, Bound by a vow, Hke an iron chayne That they maye not snappe or breake. Ho ! Fellowe, why starteth thou now in thy sleepe ? Is ye gadde-flye styngynge thy nose ? Not soe ; for he smyleth ; and gadde-flyes' stynges Are productive of crueUe woes. 'Tis a pleasaunte fancye that haunts his dreame ; Ye Fellowes, their prayer hath been hearde, And heads of Housen, and Vice-Chancellere In judgemente good liave concurred. It hath been decreede, that ye Fellowes may wed, And settle in College walls ; And wake yi; echoes of cloistered lyfe, With their lyttel chyldren's squalls. And Coclcbs seeth that brown-haired girl, No longer wan and dree ; But buxomine, and blythe, and dcbonaire, Converted to Mystress C. He seeth her seated in casye chaire A sunbeamc amid ye gloonie -- Braydyiigc a lyttel liabye its rappe, All williin ye College roome. He scetli her w;i]kynge in College courtes, Adinyred of all s]ie( tal<>rs, With her (dyve braiiche- Iniddynge arouiidc, Or .^tuck in perambulalors. 256 IN CAP AND GOWN. Wives and childrenne of Fcllowes he sees, Swarmynge ye classic shades, While, with many a laughe, ye studentes chaffe Ye prettye nurserye maydes. Ye Trinitye Fellowe giveth a starte ; Too bright the vision doth seem ! And Coelebs waketh to bachelor life, And finds his marriage a dreame. CUTHBERT BeDE. ^ ( 257 ) A SATIRE. " .-/ ScU/n','' as ivcll as the Trinity Boat-song and '' Advertisements '" -ii'/iich foUo'iO it, apf cared in a periodical called " 7kc Bear" ofiuhich the editor, and sole author, 'i.'as G. O. Trez'clyan. Only one number of ' The Bear'' appeared, in October, 1858, and it 7c>as intended to bur- l, sijuc the first number of an undergraduate journal called " The laofi,' iditedby If. R. I/a:,'eis {see p. 26"]). " The /iVizr" has srjcral times been republished by request, the last edition bearing the date 1862. Through every Collei^^e of this town of ours, From Magdilene ]>ridL(e and royal Margaret's towers, To where, 'midst Downing's soHtary grove. One pensive freshman sighs liis unshared love, Kach thinks his favourite pursuit the best. Talks of it only and ignores the rest. liedecked with horse-shoe pin and various rings, See I'uhlius lounging ])ast the screen of King's : rul)Hus, whose idle stare and ready laugh. Whose pear-sha[)ed pantaloons and flaunting scarf, Whose plastered sliining hair and heated cheek, 'Where the (rude fumes of ki-t night's claret reek. I'r()\e that he's earned the noMe title well f)f CiraiUa's tlashiest Sfjn and haughtiest swell. If xMiie alhiMon to our hodks we drop, i'ulilius straight hcllows out, ' Let's have no sho]' I " I'lUt, dearest J'uhlius, )-ou must stuel)' see ; l:at frf/iii thi^, charire not even vmi are free. 258 IN CAP AND GOWN. Is it not shop which through our ears you bawl At luncheon, supper, lecture, chapel, hall ? Your Fitz and Happyland ; your " take you ; done ! ' How much Lord Derby lost, Sir Joseph won ; How you deceived some poor confiding fool ; How well you fared at Brag, how ill at Pool ; Who, while each beef-fed toper stared aghast, Swilled the most bumpers, and was sick the last. Yes, you may talk the vilest shop, although More than your duns you dread the tittle-go ; Though you are posted dullest in your College ; Though fractions are your proudest claim to knowledge ; Though you had rather swim from John's to Clare Than tell the colour of Minerva's hair ; Though you would sooner float from Clare to John's Than name Achilles' sire or Tarquin's sons. There is a corner in our spacious hall, Retired from view and comfortably small ; In winter genial, and in summer cool ; Where no gin-breathing bedmaker holds rule, No waiter tears away the half-cut meat : One well-fee'd gyp attends with ready feet. There long we sat, a band of ancient friends. With common pleasures and with common ends ; There would we share our joys, impart our grief; There praise the audit and abuse the beef; Discuss the latest scholar's age and race ; Guess at each freshman's class, each wrangler's place. Till one ill-omen'd evening Varus came. Crooked alike in form and mind and name ; Full of the choicest anecdotes from Searle'S; As fools to swine fling forth the glittering pearls ; With what swift strokes past Grassy Magdalene pulls ; \Vhat odds are offered on the College sculls ; A SATIRE. 239 How Caius is spent with ceaseless steaks and toil ; How Sidney's crew are nightly bathed in oil ; What Milo thinks Cease, driveller, 'tis true Milo talks boating shop as well as you ; But Milo's tall and strong, and twelve stone one, And Cambridge hails him as her pluckiest son ; Like young Alcides, when in youthful pride He pulled the Argo through the Euxine tide. Each gay Oxonian's face grew pale and grave As Milo's oar came slashing through the wave : And when, 'midst eddying wash and clouds of foam, With dauntless hearts we charged the Johnian home, As our victorious crew came sweeping in, 'Twas Milo's name rose loudest o'er the din. I>ut you, with boating shop to stun our ears, .\t whose round back each passing bargeman jeers I \'ou the most clumsy booby in our club, The yearly jest of every freshman's tub ! On whose stupidity the breathless co.x; Exhausts his store of oaths before the second locks. 'Tis passing sweet, some sultry Sunday night, Amidst the dense perspiring mass of white. To watch, while vainly striving to be cool, Some stripling fresh from cricket and froni school : The smo(jlh and healthful cheek and waving hair, \o marks of late debauch, or pain, or care ; The figure trained in many a manl\' game, Chnving with dreams oi liberty and fime. lint sweeter far through coming \ears U) trace 'I'ii.it young f(jr!u's growth in stature and in grace : '!'() ^ee that brow so promising and bra\-e Return each autumn browner and more grave : rill, from liie race of honours nob!)- run. With cups and .-i( holarshii^s and medals won, 26o IN CAP AND GOWN. Conscious of power, burning for the strife, He parts to battle in the field of life. But some, in spite of whiskers and of years, Are schoolboys still, with schoolboy hopes and fears ; Whose conversation reeks with bat and ball, With *' love games," " long field on," and " fourteen all How by a brilliant hit or clever catch They saved the fortunes of the desperate match ; Why, for some puzzling and recondfte reason, Their score has made so poor a show this season. What though in scholarship you vie with Cope ? Though you be Hopkins' dearest pride and hope ? You think it more that on some lucky day Wisden or Grundy praised your style of play. Talk as you will, deny it if you can. Cricket and raquets do not make the man. Nought will avail the highest average. And the score stretching over half the page ; Nought will avail the shirt of varied hue, And the proud scarf of yellow mixed with blue ; Unless their owner shun with honest shame All that becomes not well the Cantab name ; Unless his heart be good, his word secure. His reputation as his jersey pure. Give me, I pray, the virtues of the mind ; Be just and generous, temperate and kind ; Careful of conscience and of honour's laws; Proud of your college ; ardent in her cause ; And when amidst your glad eleven's roar, Hit all across you gain a clumsy four. Then will I shout, as shouted Harrow when Fell Waller's stumps for fivescore runs and ten. Yet foolish though i't be, I know full well How fondly still on school-day tales we dwell. A SATIRE. 261 Oft, when the heart within is vexed and weary, And all without seems cold and hard and dreary, Far, far away the wounded spirit strays To the dear seat of purer, happier days ; To the old school-house, and the favourite grove, Scene of our brightest joy and fondest love ; There were our earliest, sweetest triumphs won. Ere pain, regret, and care had well begun. Lives there a slave with soul so dead to shatne \M"io would not peril bear, and toil, and blam.e. For that dear hearth, where when 'twas idlesse all, And comfort reigned throughout the social hall, 'Midst tried and faithful friends he lounged away The lazy eve of some November day ; Recalled the sad mischances of the match, Each fiery charge, and each disputed catch ; And with resistless logic showed how mean Our foes, how pure our every act had been ? G. O. Trevelvan 'kinitv College. 262 IN CAP AND GOWN TRINITY BOAT-SONG. Drink to first Trinity's conquering boat ; The best piece of timber that e'er was afloat ! Drink to the men, who so trusty and strong 'Midst danger and treachery, pulled us along, As Englishmen should, to the head of the river ! Drink to our boat, and three hearty cheers give her ! II. Drink to four and to five, the pride of our crew, Who lifted her in with the oars of light blue. At Putney the Oxford lads hopelessly tried By straining and tugging, to keep at their side. And while the bank rang with a Trinity cheer, The red shirts of John's were left far in the rear. HI. Drink to our stroke ; send the bowl briskly round : To our bow ; whom the scull-race witli glory has crowned To the freshmen, who showed to her Ladyship's crew What pluck and a love for your College can do : Drink to the nine once again ere wc part, Whose names are engraved on each Trinity heart. TRINITY BOAT-SONG. 26^ And now, one more glass to our own noble Club, From the 'Varsity oars to the lads in the tub. Long may she flourish, successful, united ; Shamed by no friend, by no enemy blighted ! And may all her true sons labour early and late, To keep what she won in the year fifty-eight. G. O. Trevelyan. 264 IN CAP AND GOWN. A D VER TISEMENTS. The advcrtiscmettt of Jamrs Johnson, ivho is willing to touch up old hats, is to be foutul on f. 358 of the second volume of Sir George O. Trevelyati's " Life of Lord Macaulay," as well as in " The Bear." Lt occurs in a letter from Lord Macaulay to Mr. Ellis, and is prefaced by these words : " / send you some exquisite lines, which I saw placarded on a -tvall the other day. The versification and diction seem to me perfect. Byroi\s ' J/)' tune, oh ye A/uses,' is not so complete in its kind.^'' As the expenses of this publication will fall heavily on an individual, seeing that all the editors, with one exception, have refused to con- tribute to the support of the magazine, we have been reluctantly com- pelled to raise funds by inserting any advertisement which may be sent us. On Balaclava's fatal plain A wounded soldier lies, And as he thinks upon his home, Tears dim his hardy eyes : His dying charger struggling near, Pants answer to his sighs. " Curse that jack-boot ! " he sadly cried ; " They said 'twas shot-proof, but they lied : The villains took me in. Would that, like Captain Gray, I'd bought At Samuel Creen's, 6, Lombard Court, Of Bishopsgate Within ! ' ADVERTISEMENTS. 265 The mother sees a hectic flush Steal o'er her darhng's face : She sees consumption's fatal touch That well-loved form embrace ; And tearful murmurs, as she views The dread disease's trace, " \\'oe worth that sad November day. When on the grass my child would play \n shoes of texture thin. Alas, alas ! they were not bought At Samuel Green's, 6, Lombard Court, Of Bishopsgate Within." A century hence, when we are dead. Some pensive Hindoo swain AVill find a mouldering pair of Boots On tlic wild Indian plain : And hell exclaim, as eagerly lie stoops the prize to gain : " The hero's name has passed away. His sword is rust, his form is clay ; He fell when l^ngland's firm array The Kaisemljagh did win. His boots remain, for they were bought At Samuel (irecn's, 6, Lombard Court, Of Bishoi)sgate Within." .\\.\\\ovr,\\ it is wrong, we must freely confess, To judge of the merits rjf fi)lks l)y tlieir (h'ess, ^'el We cannot l)Ul tliink that a shocking bad Hat Is a very poor sign (jf a man, for all that. 266 IM CAP AND GOWN. Especially now that James Johnson is willing To touch up your old ones in style for a shilling ; And give them a gloss of such beautiful hue, As makes them look newer than when they were new. For prices wonderfully small, Jones sells superior Tea to all Who to his house repair. Where else, he asks, can people find Goodness and cheapness so combined? And Echo answers, Where? G. O. Trkvelyax. ( 267 ) THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. A Classic Dream. " The CambriJ^v Dioiiysia," by (Sir) G. 0. Trroelyan, rvas published in 1858, a7id is an attack upoti A'o. 2 of '^ The Lion,'''' a periodical edited by II. R. Ifaweis. It is reprinted here from " I'he Ladies in Parliament and other Pieces,'''' published by Messrs. George Bell and Sons. In the year 1858 there appeared at Cambridge "The Lion," a maga- zine very creditalily conducted, written chiefly or entirely by imder- graduates. It displayed Transcendental tendencies, which, combined with the Ijclief tliat some of the contributors knew a good deal of Cerman and tlie certainty that others knew very little Latin, excited the bitter wrath fnatediou~e, weri; by ^.onie \-ear^ senior Uj their conipetiturs. ' iJiiniiL^' llie spriii-' of 1858 a niiiii.sterial cri-is occurred in the Union ^^,ri,ty. 'Ill- i.ffirial eleiiieiit had become unpopular anion.L; the ma-^ (.f th'- i;oatin;;-m'.-n, xilmni in their turn the bureaucrac)' -li;nn,ui/ed li}' till- cpiliiet of ihc li:iii;!-~." 'rii.; moM n.;i-y nrator (,{ ihe opposition \\:i, a ll.urMW irL-s!un:i n, whu, upon one- (jcca-ion, l)cL;aii a uitheriiiL; |M'Oir.:';Mn ,. i'ii 1 lie word-, " 'I'll. -re lli'-y >\l, cnnipiut, united '' indical- !i.'- i! i!.- ' 'ii'- ( iov' rnnaail bench by a s\\ rep i if the ann- ;,ii -]!,><]; -iDU ~M inipr-cedeiiierj w 1 1 li ! n lhii.-,e' walU a> to ( ' j;i\ ;;1 ' re ' : ::; w iili enieMMn. i'art)- >piri; at lenL;th ran so In^h, .ii,d l:ir I'M' !ei,ui>'r V. : 1 1 leiu e'liirn: ') .-') lai;;e, tli.i! a -tandei i:d dall dis;-ioii wa. t.ii.en in tiie ne!;'lihourinL; auction-rwoni^ ; the I nioii il-elf 274 /A^ CAP AND GOWN. Guesses he aims at office in the Union. Gyp A. What, to be called united and compact ? And to be chaffed in the suggestion-book ? Not quite so low as that. Come, try again. D'ye give it up ? Well, listen, and I'll tell you. One Sunday evening last May term at tea He met by chance a troop of roaring Lions, And came back swearing he must join their number, Or give up hopes of immortality. From that day forth he ran about the college, Talking of " Truth," and " Realised Ideals ; ' And asking men to give him a ttov ctto) : ^ And telling them he saw within their eyes Symptoms which marked affinity of souls. So, in this state of things, his younger brother Bdelyleon came up this term to College, A sensible sharp-tempered Eton freshman ; Who, when he saw his brother's strange distemper. Blushed for himself and for the family. And first he tried by pleasing the old fellow To wean him from his hobby ; taught him songs, And took him out to supper : but whenever His health was drunk, and he was asked to sing. He spoke straight off a canto from " St. Clair ; " "- And then he dressed him in his best and washed him, And got him made a member of the Musical : But, at the first rehearsal, off he ran. His fiddle on his back, and never stopped Till he was inside Palmer's Printing-office. having become nearly as uncomf(_)rtahle as tlie House of Commons on an ordinary business niglit. ' " (live us a ttoC crToi, and we will move the world." Extract from the Preface to "The Lion." " A ])oem in octosyllabics, entitled "St. Clair," was among the contributions to "The Lion," which was published by Mr. Palmer. THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 275 So, vexed and wearied at his constant folly, The young one locked him up within his rooms, And placed us here on sentry day and night. But the old chap is sly, and full of tricks, And loves his liberty. [Philoleon appears at the ivindoiv. Phil. Hallo, you scoundrel ! Just let me out : 'tis time to go to lectures. Gyp A. Why, you're a questionist : you have no lectures. Enter Bdelyleon. Bdel. Was ever freshman plagued with such a brother ? What have I done that I deserve this evil ? I never was undutiful ; I never Have read a line of Alexander Smith ; Nor picked a pocket \ nor worn peg-top trousers ; Nor taken notes at any college lecture. Who calls Dame Fortune blind, does not bely her. PJiil. I want a supjjci order from my tutor. Jitlt'l. Xo, no, old boy, I took good care of that : I got you an ;egrotat. Sold again ! AV'here are you now? (lood heavens ! [I'ini.oi,i:ox//^/jr his head out of the chimney. /'hi/. I'm the smoke.' Btici. Confound the man wlio altered all our chimneys ! Jackson, run up, and beat him with the pewter I'lll he backs water ; then clap on a sack. [I'uiLOLKON' jeappcars at t/ie ivindow. J'hil. f) Lord St. Clair, on bended knee I charge )"ou set the maiden free ! />'t/(/. In merry st(jp that nonsense (piick : N'our Lion always makes me sick. ' BA. ob-Tos, Ti'v f/ nv ; (" Wasj/s," lii.c 144.) 276 IN CAP AND GOWN. I feel as ill as when I tried My first and only Smoker's Pride. Phil. O may the curses of the Gods light on you ! And may you wallow in the lowest Hades, Along with all the men who've struck their tutor, Or laid against the boat-club t)f their College, Or caught a crab just opposite the Plough : In that sad place of punisluiient and woe, Where lectures last from early dawn till noon, And where the gate-fines rival those at Christ's, And there's a change of Proctors every week ! ^ Then you'll repent of having used me thus. Bdel. You blasphemous old villain ! Come, you fellows, We all must need some coffee this cold morning. Enter Chorus of ivriiers of " The Liofi" preceded by a chorister bearing a lantern. Chorns A. Rosy-fingered dawn is breaking o'er the fretted roof of King's. Bright and frosty is the morning. Sharp and clear eacli footfall rings. Gyps across the court are hurrying with the early breads and butters. Blithely hums the master's butler while he's taking down the shutters. In our rooms we left the kettle gaily singing on tlTC coals ; And within the grate are steaming eggs and ham, and toast and rolls. Soon we'll have a jovial breakfast, with the members of our mess, Chatting of our darling project, future hopes, and past success. ' Xew Proctors are as much dreaded in the quadrariLjIes as new ministers in the public offices. THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 277 ^^'e have come to fetch our brother. What can cause his long delay ? It was not his wont to keep us shivering here the livelong day. He was always sharp and sprightly when " The Lion " was in (juestion ; ]'>er ready with an Essay ; ever prompt with a suggestion. Surely he must be offended At our leaving out his poem : "\'et no insult was intended, As our want of space must show him. Or perchance he came home jolly, ^^'ishing to knock down the porter, And lies cursing at his folly, Willi a tongue that tastes like mortar. Show yourself upon the landing : Hear vour loved companions' groans : kor our feet arc sore with standing On the rugged Old ("ourt stones. [PiiiLOLiXiX s/ioK's hi ill self (if the "iL'iiidflii-'. JViil. Comrades, when I heard your voices, how my heart within me lea])t ! ThouglUs of hajii^ier days came o'er my spirit, and I almost wept : Those bright days when free and happy with some kindred soul I strayed, lalking of 'I'he Unconditioned up and down tlie chestnut -lade. Now :i ( 111! 1 yoimger brotlier keeps iiie under lock and key : '1 i; 1 el iiute rue ;ihva\s 1<)' me. Tliose I ]o\e 1 may not see. () 111)- u\\\\. ni)- cheiislietl Lion, offri])ring of my cares and toil. ^\''''li'I tli;il 1 :!inl tliou were Kinu undeiiieatli the All Saints' 278 m CAP AND GOWN. Drop your voices, dear companions, lest you rouse a sleep- ing Bear. Chorus A. Does he then despise our anger? All men know who ate Don't Care. Never fear him. We'll protect you. Do not heed his threats and frowns. Say your prayers, and jump down boldly. We will catch you in our gowns. \?n\i.O'LY.O'^ places his leg over the window-sill, but is seized from behifid by Bdelyleon. Bdel. Not so fast, you old deceiver ! From your evil courses turn. Never will I tamely let you join in such a vile concern. Sooner than behold my brother sunk to such a depth of scorn, Gladly would I bear to see him walking on a Sunday morn 'Twixt a pair of pupil-teachers, all the length of Jesus-lane, With a school of dirty children slowly shambling in his train : Or behold him in the Union, on the Presidential seat, Shakespeare smiling blandly o'er him, freshmen ranting at his feet. Get you gone, you pack of scoundrels ! Don't stand bawl- ing here all day. Williams, fetch me out the slop-pail : Jackson, run for 20 K ! Chorus A. Slay the despot! Slay the tyrant I Him who cannot brook to see All his neighbours dwelling round him peaceable, secure, and free. Well I know you've long been plotting how to seize the Casde-hill With a band of hired assassins, there to work your cruel will. Let the man who wrote the "Sirens" make a feint upon the door : Bring us ladders, ropes, and axes ; we must storm the second floor. THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 279 Enter Chorus of First Tritiity boatifig-rnen. Chorus B. Here they are. Upon them boldly ! Double quick across the grass ! Cut them off from Bishop's Hostel, lest along the wall they pass ! Forward, Darroch ! Forward, Perring ! Charge them, Lyle ! And now remember 'Gainst what odds you fought and conquered on the fifth of last November : When you broke with one brave comrade through an armed and murderous mob : Fear not an eesthetic humbug, you who've faced a Cambridge snob. Men of twelve stone, in the centre ; coxswains, skirmish on the flank ! You're too eager there, }'ou youngsters : Jones and Prickard, keep your rank ! Do not stay to spoil tlie flillen while a soul is left alive : Wc must smoke ihem out and kill them, now we've caught them in tlie hive. \frhcy charge the 7vriters in " The Liofi,^' ivlio Jly ill all directiofis. \'ictory ! Victory ! now for a shout ! As when we l)umi)ed the Johnians out ! \'aiii was tlie miglil of IClcctive Affinities When Ijrought face to face with our valiant First Trinities. \'i( tory ! Victory! lluz/a ! Tantivy! For when a man Who can liardly scan T.'ilks f)f "the pif:ture(l page of Fivy," 'I'is liniu f(ir e\cry lad of sense To arm in honesty's defence, 28o JX CAP AND GOlViV. As if the F'rcnch were steaming over In rams of iron from Brest to Dover. [Bdelylkon comes out leading Piiiloleon, dressed in a First Trinity costnnie. Bdel. Thank you, my brave allies ! And now to prove The confidence I have in your discretion, I here entrust to you my elder brother, To watch his morals, and to cure his madness. So treat him kindly ; put him in a tub, And take him down the river every day ; And see that no one asks him out to supper, To make him tipsy. Be not hard upon him. But let him have his pipe and glass of sherry. Since he is old and foolish. And if ever He comes back sound in body and in mind, I'll stand you claret at the next club-meeting. \^Exit Bdelylkon. PARABASIS. AVe wisli to praise our poet, who, despising fame and pelf. Flew like a bull-dog at the throat of the jagged-toothed monster itself,' AVhich rages over all the town, from Magdalene-bridge to Downing, AVith the bray of a dreamy German ass, 'neath the hide of Robert Browning. ]jut some of you good fellows think, as the poet grieves to hear. That you are laughed at in "the Bears," the play he wrote last year : ' 0pa(T(oos avaras (vdhs o-tt' apxv^ auTw rev icapxa-pA^ovTi.. (" Wasps," line 103 1.) THE CAMBRIDGE DIONYSIA. 281 So he assures you faithfully no insult was intended. Do not cherish bitter feelings ; for, least said is soonest mended. And next he bids us tax our wit To tell some members of the Pitt, Whose names he knows not, when they meet Him ])assing into Sidney-street, Not to haw! out " The Bear ! The Bear ! " First because he does not care : Then surely for a man of taste, It is a sin and shame to waste In calling nicknames near the Hoop Tlie breath that's given to cool our soup. So, being a good-tempered bard, ^\'hi(hLvcr of them leaves his card He'll ask him out next week to dine, And shake hands o'er a glass of wine. And now he bids you all good evening, and farewell till next October ; And hopes to-night you'll sup like princes, and that none will go home sober. if iiojicemaii Iv arrests you, let not that your si)irits damp : lireak his head, and shave his whiskers, and suspend him to the lami;.' \lL\ciinl. G. C). Tki;vi;i.vAN. ' I hi, rjUicr was taken only too litcially. 'I'lic olll-cr in iim-stion, I'll tliciiij^hl cftlir l''ir^l 'J'riiiity l)o:U-su| i]>iT, vciUiircd within the i^alis 'r! til" ri.ll(L;c, aii'l Nsa-, there iiiahreatr.i i:i a maimer tliat le^l, if the rh' ) '- ;- 1 olleetiMii .,,-r\c., td th<' iiicareeialiiiii 'if .sDiiie of the I illemler^. lie- |ni-'eu'or <' iimneiiteil wiih nmch sevci ity iqion the eoiicliiiliiiL; !iiie. ,,r the 1 iK.nvaa. 282 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE LAUREATES BUST AT TRINITY. A Fragment of an Idyll. This admirable parody of Lord Tennysoiis " Guinevere " vn-itten by Tom Taylor, was suggested by the refusal of the Master and Seniors of Trinity College to allow Tennyson^s bust to be placed in the library, on the ground that the Laureate was still alive. It is 7-eprinted by fennission. So the stately bust abode For many a month, unseen, among the Dons. Nor in the lodge, nor in the library, Upon its pedestal appeared, to be A mark of reverence for green gownsman-hood. Of grief to ancient fogies, and reproof To those who knew not Alfred, being hard And narrowed in their honour to old names Of poets, who had vogue when tiny were young, And not admitting later bards ; but now. Last week, a rumour widely blown about. Walking the windy circle of the Press, Came, that stern Whewell, with the Seniors, Who rule the destinies of I'rinity, Had of the sanctuary barred access Unto the bust of Alfred Tennyson, By Woolner carved, subscribed for by the youth \\\-\o loved the Poet, hoped to see him set THE LAUREATE'S BUST AT TRINITY. 283 Within the Library of Trinity, One great man more o' the house, among the great. Who grace that still Valhalla, ranged in row, Along the chequered marbles of the floor, Two stately ranks to where the fragrant limes Look thro' the far end window, cool and green. A band it is, of high companionship, Chief, Xewton, and the broad-browed Verulam, And others only less than these in arts Or science : names that England holds on high. Among whom, hoped the youth, would soon be set The living likeness of a living Bard, Cireat Alfred Tennyson, the Laureate, \V'hom Trinity most loves of living sons. But other thought had Whcwell and the Dons, I )eeming such honour only due to those Upon whose greatness Dcatli has set his seal. So fixed their faces hard, and sliut the doors U])on the living Poet : for, said one, " It is too scjon," and wlien they heard tlie phrase. Others cauglit up tlie cue, and cliorussed it, Until, the poet echoing, " Soon ? too soon ?" As if in wrath, Whcwell looked up and said : " O r^iureate, if indeed you list to try, Try, and unfix our purpose in this thing." Wliereat full shrilly sang th' excluded bard : "SfKjn, s(jon, so soon ! W'hewell looks stern and chill ! Soon, soon, so soon ! h'lt 1 ( ;iii 1 )Uer still.'' 'l"oo soon, too soon ! N'oii ( annot enter now.'' ' I am not dead ; of that 1 do rej)ent. I'.iit lo my living prayer, oh now relent : " ' Too soon, too soon ! You cannot enter now." ^84 IN CAP AND GOWN. " Honour in life is sweet : my fame is wide. Lpt me to stand at Drydcn's, Byron's side." " Too soon, too soon ! You cannot enter now. " Honour that comes in life is rare as sweet ; I cannot taste it long : for life is fleet." " No, no, too soon ! You cannot enter now 1 " So sang the Laureate, while all stonily. Their chins upon their hands, as men that had No entrails to be moved, sat the stern Dons. Tom Taylor, ( 2S5 ) THE CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY BOAT OF i860. T/ie fo/lo-L'ii!'^' f'Ot-in is reprinted fro)n " Macmillan's Magazine^' for May, 1S60. IjY (;. O. Trf.vi:i.ya\, Trinity Coli.ece, ("amisridgk. In accfjnlancc with a custom e^tabli-hed for some years past, the iollf)\vini,r lines were \siittcn, by request, l)ef(jre the event of the contest. Whether they had a T)TtLean effect may be (h)ubte(I ; their proplietic attributes cannot be deniecL The alhisions are of a local nature, but the i;eneral intere-^l excited i)y the race may justify their insertion. It may be well t'l remind oui' readers of the names of the oar-men, anil their po.dtion in the boat. 1. S. [bjathcote, Trinity. 6. \\. N. Cherry, Clare. 2. 11. J. ('liaytor, Je-u>. 7. A. II. l-"airbairn, Trinity. 3. 1). in-N,.^-, ddiiiity. 8. J. llall, .Mai;dalene. 4. j. S. l;!:!l.'-, (orpu-. J. T. Morland, Trinity. 5. M. (.'(jventry, I'rinily Ilall. (Coxswain.) So.Mi. twuiily years !)ack, laTiiinu, '1 oai Saver, to .^ne;ikinL; Ihll IJainLTc. 286 JN CAP AND GOWN. I've determined, as plain as the staff of a pike, To show to the world what a man should be like. Go fetch me some clay ; no, not that common stuff, But the very best meerschaum and fetch me enough. I'll make eight hearty fellows, all muscle and bone. Their average weight shall be hard on twelve stone ; With shoulders so broad, and with arms so well hung, So lithe in the loins, and so sound in the lung ; And because I love Cambridge, my purpose is fixed, I Will make them her crew in the year eighteen-sixty." Stand by me, dear reader, and list to my song, As our boat round Plough-corner comes sweeping along. I'll point out each hero, and tell you his name. His college, his school, and his tides to fame. No fear of a crowd ; towards the end of the course They have left all behind but a handful of horse. To keep at their side on the gods one must call For the wind of a tutor of Trinity Hall.^ One stroke, and they're on us. Quick! Left face and double ! Look hard at the bow ; he is well worth the trouble. 'Tis Heathcote, the pride of First Trinity Club, The boast of our Eiglit, and the tale of our tub. No Oxonian so gay but will tremble and wince As he watches the oar of our gallant Black Prince. Who can think on that morn without sorrow and pain, \Vhen valour proved futile, and skill was in vain ? As they watched the light jerseys all swimming about. The nymphs of the Thames, with a splash and a shout, ' An allusion to Leslie Stephen, the la\' that our grumbling exceeds all belief. So Well have you thriven on Trinity beef." ' Tiic ( MiiilitiilLjL- l)'i:U was -,, imped ill the rare nf 1S60. - 'I'll'- IjiiriiiiiL^ 'I ie,iii.n with 'riinity uii'le'iLjra'luatcs in iSdo, as it al\v,i\- li.i'l 1. 'ii, ill 1 |i(iliapT aUvayi will be, was ihc alleged bailiicss of the dinner in hall. 2S8 IN CAP AND GOIVN. But how shall I worthily celebrate you, The hope of our colours, the joy of our crew? Shall I sing of your pluck, or the swing of your back. Or your fierce slashing spurt, most redoubtable Jack The world never saw such a captain and cargo Since Jason pulled stroke in the good ship the Argo. And oh, when you pass to the mansions above, Look down on your Cambridge with pity and love ! Then, on some future day of disaster and woe, When the wash surges high, and our fortunes are low, ^Vhen Oxford is rowing three feet to our two, And victory frowns on the flag of light blue. Oh, then may our captain in agony call On the 'varsity's guardian angel, Jack Hall ! You may search the whole coast, from Land's End to North Foreland, But where will you find such a steersman as Morland ? Let all honest Cambridge men fervently pray That our pet Harrow coxswain, for once in a way. Though as valiant a sergeant as any we know. On Saturday next may show back to the foe. So at night, when tlie wine-cups all mantling arc seen (Whatever the mantling of winu-cups may mean). With your temper at case, and your muscles unstrung, And your feet 'ncath the table right carelessly flung, As you press to your lips the beloved nut-brown clay, So cruelly widowed for many a day : Oh, then as one man may the company rise. With j(jy in their hearts, and with fire in their eyes, Pour out as much ])unch as would set her afloat, And drink long and deep to our conquering boat 1 G. O. Trkvki.vax. ( 289 ) YE CRUELLE COX WAYNE. " Ve CriicUc Coxniaync'" is reprinted from the ^^ Light Blue," a magazine zohick appeared twice a term from the Lent Term, 1866, to the May term, 1S71. // loas weighted with a long and tedious serial story, and cannot be regarded as a successful pitblication. Sir, I have noted with consicleralile satisfaction the essays of some of ilie youthful ahimni of our Ahna Mater in the alluring meads of periodical literature ; a satisfaction not unalloyed by the circumstance that no small portion are wanting in the dignity of theme and sedate gravity of language that beseems even the juvenile members of a learned university. \'et, even so, you too may some day say with the Umbrian i)ard, thai it is juur joy to have cultivated Helicon in early youth. To mark my seii-c of complacency with your attempt, I forward with this :i fragment wliieh I have recently discovered in my elal)orate researches wn the important subject of the jiedigree of the iJloggs, of lilogg Hall, CO. Salop/. Its archaic character may jjerchance serve to excuse its friv(jl(jus tone, which sometimes seems to approach that object of my utter aver^ii^n, burlesrjue. With hearty wishes for the success of youi iiiagar.inc, I remain. Your very (obedient sersanl, \'i:Ri;iiiiV RvdHi Ki:, LL. 1>., ]-'.S..\. I I'.nd'.rv. .1 " Wrote bye my bmihcr Ilal, liy.-^ haiide, at y" (.'ollegr '.f ','oipu-, (ilirisli and y' illL-~.->e(i X'irgiii ,Mar)e in i.'ambridge, in )' MiMiith of October, A.S. 1597.] \'i: _\'eltf y' fowlcsl inonstrc li.ivc ) siin^c W'liii li will) li)-s crcwclliL- clolli us .-ilVrMjit . Of h_\iii I slr)\c to telle willi pi'eiilicc ton^e- ; \'ij 'Irurklc of ruwcr.-^ allc : \"' ( 'ocks-.wiv iir hi'^Iit, i; 290 IN CAP AND GOWN. In sooth hee is a fiers and scely wight, As ever tim'rous menne dyd quayle before : In raymente warm and thycke is hee bedyght, Y* while he joys to see us atte y* oare Swinking alle lyghtlie cladde, til harte and hande be sore. Smalle is hys guize ! yette sternely doth hee wreke Hys wrath on any who from Rawleigh's weede Dare in hys presense rayse y comelie reeke, Ne doth hee never piteous cravings heede, Whenne for more beere in summer-tyde we plede ; But haught and stoure, as barron in hys halle, With squeeky voyce, when as in soarest neede Of reste we pant inspyring, hee doth calle, " Fyve ! are you nerelyreddy? Look sharpe ! Now row on alle." Ah ! what Hyrcanian tyger broughte thee forthe, What amphisbaena of y* Lybian wylde, What beare in forrests of y* salonge Northe ? Certes, no gentle mother called thee chylde, Ne hast thou never played with sisters mylde, But some fowle fiend didde bryng thee from hys denne, And us some spelle of grammarye beguyled. But never shalt thou rule owr skyffe agenne, Thou scorne of goddes above, and lothsomc dredde of menne. ( 291 ) HIC VIR, HIC EST. " Hie Vir, hie est,'' by Charles Stuart Calverley, appeared in " Verses and Translations,'' the first edition of which 7uas published i7i 1862. The author is so ivell known that little iteed be said coneerning him here. He was educated at Harrow, and in 1850 entered Balliol College, Oxford. Here he found tJic discipline irksome, and removed in 1852 to Christ's College, Cambridge. Of the many stories current about the Oxford days of Mr. Calverley, or, as he -zvas theft called, Mr, Blayds, the following is the best known. When he ~was admitted to take the oaths of a scholar in the college chapel, he had just finished srnoking a pipe. " On withdraw- ing from the chapel,'' -ce y Mr. {no:.' the J\-v.) !'. //. Maiiton, and Messrs. A. ]V. Verrall and Christopher ll'ordszeonh -..ere amo/ij its contributors. Xu. 5. Friday, May 5, 1S71. Oi Ci\,\"i irnr-nral 5ia T7)$ /jLiurtaeus Trjf Plato. A I! w clays a::o I was surprised, and not more surprised tlian pleased, to receive a Visit from my old Friend the \'icar of Flounder's F^iid in this neighbourhood. I saw, as he entered, that he was in hiyh (lood-IIumour. ]5ethink- ing me what could he the cause of his exceptional Spirits, I said after the fir->t (Ireetings were over, '"I hope that nothing lias happened to either of your excellent Church- warden>.'' ' Nothing," he replied, with le>.> Cheeriness than might have been anti< ipated. '" Surely the Lay I\e(t(/r " iUit a ri>ing I'ro'.vn warned me from the Suiijei t. ' \o, my dear , tlie Parish is in everyway w !iat it wai : but oilier jlu-ine-s has brouglit me here to d i\-. in brief I have seen \''ur Paper, and hope you I'.iil tjvour me. lor old J'riend-!ii]i's ^alce, b\- introducing to 296 IN CAP AND GOWN. General Notice a little thing of Charlie's, you remember my Son." Here it flashed upon my Mind that the Young Man had been up a Year, and I had never asked him to Break- fast. But before I could recover sufficiently to make my Apologies, my Friend had blushed, produced a Packet from his Coat, laid it on the Table and was gone. I opened the Manuscript. Poetry ! I exclaimed, as I sat down in earnest to the Perusal of the " Georgics, a Poem in four Books, after the Latin oi Piiblius Vergiluis Maro." It is a remarkable Production, and I regret that I have not Space to lay the Whole before my Readers. I must confine my- self to a few Extracts. As a Good Sample of his Style I will quote a spirited Passage on Phospho-Guano. " Far on a Rock amid Pacific Foam The crop-winged sea-birds make their social Home ; Their social Home with odorous Plenty reeks, And soon the once inhospitable Peaks Grow hoary ^not with Eld, and on the Blast Floats the mild Savour of the Banquet past. Here (happy Kind, if Phosphates had not been ! ) In Peace they think to brave the stormy scene. Alas ! our atmo-ponto-poric Age Outrages far the elemental Rage : Alas ! the swiftest Flurricanes that fly Lay far behind 'James Gibbs and Company.' Lo ! on th' Horizon's limitary Blue A Speck, a Cloud,- a Stream of coalish Hue ! It comes the Steam-propelled ! in wild Affright The flopping Creatures fly the awful Sight, And leaving, Bee-like, all their fragrant Store To spoiling Hands, seek out another Shore. Thus have I seen, with Ditton full in View, The hapless Student in a frail canoe THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 297 Start from his Dreams of Comfort at the Cry, ' The 'Varsity ! ' and Strength and Paddle ply : Him, as he dashes sidelong to the Bank And gripes with both his hands the grasses lank, The Coxswain stern, too full of Scorn to speak, Avoids, avoids, yet ever seems to seek ; Each close at Hand his Oar a Moment poises, Dyed in a strong Solution of Turquoises, Then dips and strains it ; rise on either Hand Ridges obliquely refluent to the Land ; The Shallop rocks ' Macgregor ' shrinks and twitches, And fleels the sousing Flood in all his Breeches." It may perhaps be complained that our Young Author's Illustration is scarcely Virgilian in Feeling. Yet be it observed that it possesses the Requisites of a Virgilian Simile ; it is lengthy enough, and has as little as possible to do with the Subject in Hand. [ will give one more passage from the First Book the Lines on "Prognostics." '' To hire the Steam-Plough for a certain Day Lortendeth Frost ; to hear a Neighbour say That he hath hired it signifieth good Light Showers, (juick easy Work, and softened Mud. The Town too hath Prognostics ; you shall know IJy many signs what sort of Wind will blow If 'S[>()ns' are on, expect a chilling dale. Though oiKc this Portent has beun known to fail. 'l"hc one ])crpctual Sign you may ])erccivc. Whose fajthful Warning rarely will deceive \ Rigiit o'er one Market-place at L'ast there stands A (.'(/nslellulion known 'in many Lands' 298 IN CAP AND GOWN. As Jonas Webb, and when you see it there, Be sure of baleful INIi.st, or Parching Sere, Or leaden Cold as fits the time of Year. ; Not even he whose Face is in his Books Is all unconscious how the Weather looks ; His Vellums warp 'neath Summer's fell Sirocco, And ]\Iildew-Damps assail his best Morocco. An empty Hall implies Newmarket Runs, Fine Evenings, Proctors, and wet Mornings, Duns, And almost any weather (such is Fate) The Composition-Lecture will be late." The last Line is really too Ind, And I am glad to see the worthy Vicar thought so too ; for he has drawn his Pen through it and has written underneath ^'The Thieves will have a Grip at Church and State." Though the Poem is divided into four Books, Virgil's Order is not followed. The First and Second of C/iariie correspond to the First and Third of Publins. ^Nfy last two Extracts were from the First ; I will conclude with a Passage from the Second on a Breed overlooked by Virgil the " 'Varsity Grey." " If for the Honours of tlie ' Heath ' you Inirn, Why any fretful Colt will serve the Turn ; If Tow-paths please you, and the sober Course, Well may you ponder ere you choose your Horse. He must not shrink at Objurgations loud. The plashing River, and the pushing Crowd, Must boldly pass the Railway-Bridge, nor dread To hear the hollow Rattle overhead, Must trust the moving ' Grind,' nor seem to feel The hideous Chidinir of the creaking Wheel. THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 299 Must never start at any distant Gun, Must patient wait the Signal Three Two One ; Ears he may have (but very Uttle Ear), And Eyes enough his jostled Way to steer, ]\Iust never move a Hair unless expected, And O 1 if ' Fiery,' must be quite ' Collected.' In Paunch, at least not shorter than in Wind, Stout if you like before, and * not less stout behind.' For Colour some the Chestnut, some the Bay Prefer, but leave to me the ' Honest Grey ' Such shall you see bear G Id e through the Throng, Or other Hero of Putneian Song. t And such the Form (if Legends Truth declare) That each Unsociable is doomed to wear. To toil unthankcd where others win the Prize, A mere dumb Plodder in a brutish guise." f This is evidcntl) closely modelled in Parts on Virg. G. iii. 72-94; but I am sorry to be unable to subscribe to the ingenious \'crsion of "honesti Glauci;" " obesa terga" also is too much expanded, and " collectum ignem " (juitc misunder- stood. The last four Lines are clearly an Liserlion Ijy tlie Vicar. Poor Man, he was a Genius in his Lay up here, but his Conversational P(j\vers ([uite ruined him ! A. W. Vkkrall. 300 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. No. 63. Friday, April z'j, 1882. " Vix illigatum te triformi Pegasus expediet Chimaera." HORACK. My Friend Narcissus, to whom I would crave leave to introduce my Readers to-day, has two Peculiarities, he is always in Love, and always describing his Pangs in Verse. Many and many a Note-Book, supplied to him by that excellent Bibliopole Mr. Johnson to be filled with Notes on Aristotle and T/u/cydidcs, bears Witness in immortal Rhyme to the Perfections of Lalage or the heartless Conduct of Lydia. Many an Hour, which should be devoted to the Mastering of the Intricacies of Pindar or the Mysteries which encircle the Indo-European Group of Languages, does this unhappy young Man spend in the Composition of thrilling Lyrics and Heart-rending Odes. Sometimes I have walked behind him on the T7-umpington Road, and have felt sure that he was engaged in composing a new Poem ; and I have generally felt sure, too, that it was in Honour or Reproach of some new Flame. On such Occasions, he usually walks very quick, and a low Muttering occasionally catches the Ear of the Listener ; he sometimes grasps his Walking-Stick with Vehemence and strikes down imaginary Obstacles with it in the Air ; sometimes his Pace quickens still more as with Flope. and sometimes becomes slow and THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 301 languid as though in Despair. On these occasions he is as Ukely as not to run foul of a Perambulator which is being pushed by a Pensive Nursemaid ; or to find between his Legs a Hoop that is being trundled by some little Boy in that guileless Disregard of the Comfort of his Elders, which is the most charming Characteristic of innocent Boyhood. For some Years past I have had the Honour of playing the Part of Confidant to Narcissus; and whenever he be- comes entangled in a hopeless Passion (which occurs about twice ever)' Term) his First Measure is to write an Ode, his Second to send this Ode to me. At first I used to be seriously alarmed for my Friend ; and to imagine that either his Reason was in Danger of being disturbed, or his Happi- ness was quite destroyed. I would therefore hurry off to his Rooms prepared to comfort, to admonish, or to reproach, according as I thought it best for him, or according to my own Temper at the Time. But as I invariably found him thoroughly cliccrfLil, not to say complacent, and once even engaged in alluring one of his most melancholy Compositions to suit the Circumstances of his last Misfortune, I at length learned to receive these Poems, however great the Despera- tion expressed in them, with those resigned and softened I'^eelings with which I generally hear of Misfortunes which only affect ni}- I'"riends. As I am mucli above having any Respect for the toucliing Confideiires wliich iVarcissus re]>oses in me, I intend to ];rcsenl my Readers with one or two Specimens of the Verses willi wliich he has from Time to Time favoured me The following came by the I'enn)- I'ost. ()tii e on tlie iiorder-land of ."^^leep and Waking, Alter :i I )ay of Tears, !ll^l .1 t!ie Morning in tlie I'.a^t v.;!s breaking A ,^\\eel >wund filled 111 v M.ir.. 302 IN CAP AND GOWN. " Sweet-dropping Whispers of a Voice that filled me With a strange new Delight ; Soft Velvet Touches of a Hand that thrilled me, Like a sharp Beam of Light. " And She stood near, and listened to the Story Of my long Love and true ; And I lay basking in the Love-lit Glory Of the sweet Eyes I knew. " Wherefore, Sweet Vision, are ye swiftly vanished ? Why fade. Oh Radiance, in such Cruel Haste ? Stay ye fond Dreams of Love all lost, and banished, Dreams of a Sweetness that I may not taste ! " After the Receipt of this I went in the Evening to visit my poor Friend, and found him entertaining a somewhat noisy Supper-Party, he himself appearing by no Means the least cheerful of the Group. I took a Seat near him, and accepted his hospitable Proffers of Oysters and Porter, and by-and-by I took an opportunity of laying a " Soft Velvet Touch " upon his Arm, and saying in a " Sweet-dropping Whisper " that I was glad this was not " a L)ay of Tears " also. He gave me a look of mingled Reproach and Anguish, and swallowed Two Oysters without Speaking. Again, on one of the finest and most beautiful Days in the May Term, Narcissus' Gyp brought me the following Wail of Despair. " Ah! not for me the Glory of the Spring, Ah, not for me ! Wliat though the Linnet plume a gayer Wing On many a Tree ? THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 303 "What though the Bud be bursting to disclose Its fresh Green Heart ; And many a Flower from Winter's dead Repose By Magic start ? " What though Fond Lovers look with softer Eyes Upon each other, And pure Breasts heave and pant with tender Sighs They cannot smother ? " Ah, not for me the Glory of the Spring ! Ah wasted Youth ! Oh Days gone by that backward none may bring ! Ah tarnished Truth ! Ah Love that in my lieart might bloom and sing, If Sin and 'i'ime could cease their Darts to fling ! " I thouglit this a little more Serious than most of my Friend's complaints, because it had somewhat less Love in it. I therefore went my \\'ay to see him. I found him lying on his Sofa, by his Open Window, smoking a Pipe, and reading a Novel ; tlie Room was full of Violets and other Flowers ; the Window looked out into a Pleasant (iarden, and tlirough it a most deliciously soft and fragrant Spring r.rceze was gently blowing; his Face wore that fresh, sleek and glossy Appearance, which a Man's Face does in the Prime of \'outh and Health, when he is smoking his First Pipe after Preakfast, and has not left liis Tub nujre than Half an Hour. liy his Side stood a Pewter filled wilh that delicious 1 )rink compounded of Peer and (lingerljeer. He looked the Ticture of Indolence and (Jonifort. After regarding him for a few Minutes in Silence, while lilliiv^ m\- own i'ipe, I remai-ked wilh my usual easy wit, Then 1 suppose Sin and 'I'ime lia\-e slo[)ped their 304 IN CAP AND GOWN. Shooting-Match ? " He did not blush or frown, but looked at me with the ineffable Contempt felt by a Poetic Soul for Prosaic Vulgar Ones. I have learnt now, therefore, to receive these Effusions, however tragic, with a serene Assurance, that whatever Sorrows my gifted Friend experiences are entirely consoled and dissipated by the Delight he takes in depicting them : and that from the Chimaeras of his Brain, whatever they may be, his Fegasus even though it be represented by the veriest Screw to be found in all the Cambridge Livery Stables, or even by an Animal still humbler, is all-sufficient to release him. E. S. Shuckburgh { 305 ) THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. No. 72. Friday, May 17, 1872. " All the other Colleges in Fessc hold some Resemblance with this, and in euery of them arc Readers or Professors in diuers Sciences pro- hibited by the Founders." ruKCiiAS. Although I never intended to supplement the Labours of the reprinting Societies, I do not scruple to ])ut before the T^earned the following Passage which my Friend Charlie }fi:<;;Jiandry has decyi)hered from the Binding of a late xi\-"' C'entury Manuscript of the Golden Legend in the College Library. Me is of Opinion that it originally formed the Conclusion of the 17th Chapter of the Voiagc and Traiuiile of Sir Jolm Maimdevilc, Kt. (p. 186, in Halliioeirs Rei^rint), but was sujipressed by the Authority of the " holi Ladir " the r(;pe as involving the Heresy of the Antipodes. "... And now I have scyd 3U the roundnesse of the I'"irniaii)ent and w\telhe wel that if a man sclial take Schyppyng and Mete and Drinke ynow, and sch.d flote stil to l'".st fro the Londe of the grcte Chane of Cathay, he schal com, jif he saile wyth Sotyltce, to N'les as our awen, wliere men spckcn as wee in owr a.\ven 'I'onge ; saf onlie, as I wene, thei stondeii feeta3enst feet willi us, jit hen thei nat sicke ne (kijyd-- for thei ben so accostomed fro their jotitli upj). Now in the firste of these N'les there ben felonous X 3o6 IN CAP AND GOWN. and dispytous Folke and wykked : for the lewed Peple hiden hem in ambusch, and whanne thci se the Lordes of the lond, thei sleen hem with Schottyngs. And these others ben in gret Tribulacyon and mochel Drede of those. And the He is cleped Yrelonde, sith the people ben ryghte yrous and ful of Wrath. And in this Yle ben none Frossches ne Todes ne Neddres ne Ratouns ne Mees ne Ewtes ne no maner Venym, for their Seynte, as men seyn, ffrayed away all manere soch Filthes, that there ben non left. And the peple drinken Wyn of Greynes cesoned with Smoke : and whanne thei ben wel dronken, thei fyghten wyth Battes and staves, and syngen and maken Melodye as thei can. " And in the next Yle ben Folk seefarying and Fysscher- men wherefor men clepen that Contree Angle Lond in hir propre Tonge. For at certeyn Cesouns cometh gret plentee of Fysches so that man may nat unethes se but ffyssches : and men take als many as hem liketh, and clepen hem Bloteres, for a few of hem ben ynow to fil a man so that hee lakketh nat Viaundes much mo. " And herein ben many gode Townes, whereof one Town is Grantebrigge, where ben Clerkes ryglit plentwyse : 3 it can thei not syngen no maner Prickeson ne Psawtere : and whanne thei se a Mynstralle or Jogulour thei have him not ynto hir Hows wyth hys Organs or Psauterie, but tlirusten him into the Waics and 3evcn him Money, two Pens, to depart him unto the ny!';hc Stretc ; wych ys to mc grete Mervaylle. And thei ban dyuers straunge Coslomcs, sum gode and sume euyl, whereof I scliall dcvyse 30U l)Ut few, sith Tyme ys short. Also I was not there ; but oftsytlics I. have sen them that were. The 3onge Men of hem grynden ; but the olde Clerkes plow3en. And tliei sailen gladly upon the Flom Cham, which ys not so grete als Nilus by an lialfendcUe ; and for Symplenesse tlici ban ne Pylot ne Lodesman to guide hir Schyppe, saf scly Cockcs onlie, as THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 307 men seyn, and when oon Schyp smytith an odir Schyppe thei cryen, A Foule. Now they maken all hire Busynes and Dyligeance for to ben held gode Roweres in Boots; and thereto thei eten Colops of flesch of Beves rawe, and Eyren, for to wexen strong, and thei drynken gode Beverage and swete and noryssh}-nge, but sum drynken Wyn prevyly, as the Sarrazines don. For 3if thei dronken it openly thei scholde ben repreved. But thei deeme it gret synne to a scholay in travaile of Bokes. For him which sitteth sadlye at scripture of Bokes, which is a3enst Kynde, of hym sykerly shul the chief Clerkes taken no Kepc : but of tho which plaicn and abyden abroad in the Nyghte cesoun, thei taken note, and lect make a Bille of hire Names ; and on the morwe the Dene of liire Chirchc sendeth for hem to don hem reverence. And oon of hem seyd, that 3if hee peyned hym to abide al)road alle Xight and retourned him not tyl tlie morwc. the Mai.-^ler or Abbotte hym self schall callc hym to don hvni tlie niorc Honour. And 3if he 3it abide abroad (jon nyghte or twe\-, then hee schal presently let remeve him, sith lie is jircvcd wel cunynge and parfcit, and apt to lernen others and no longer to scolay. And als many, as gon abroad in tlie Xyglit, schuln araye himself in a long Goune, for terrour of the Dogges. For tliere ben many ]>ulle Houndcs in thilkc Citic, full flcte and tiers ; that ys a grette blague: and thei han tliys kynde, that wlianne tliei sen one go in tli)s Ap[;ar}l, thei grucclien, )-et leten liym passe ; but if one goe witiiouten tliat ]va}-iiient, anon thei lepen upon him tor to devoureii liym. And for so nKjclie as tluit i. gret beryl; tliei appo\nten four strong I'restes eN'eryclie 3eer, t'lat l.:in W'ytt and Sjjede, for to sueii tlio bestes. And thei ( lepen lieni J'j-< nini/i>rc<, for tli:it thei taken care of the 3oiige S' oh re>. And if oon of tho I 'ogue-. tak\th onyman, ;ii.on < oinitli the i'le-^te. :ind ni;iii;is>itli thi 1 lound, and ( h:u ened) liini, ;'nd v.orsi hijieth the man, and Jetleth him 3o8 IN CAP AND GOWN. go, when he hath axid hym of hys Name and hys DuelUng. Yit ben thei covytouse and demannden of the folysche jouthe so moche for hise Delyvrannce, VI pieces of Sylver or mo, that full ofte a Man wole sunncre fle away, jif that hei maie, then dispcnde so gret Ricchesse for hys Sal- vacyoun. " Also thei estemen most worthi hym, who shall be found aftre Ynquisycyon the most unlernyd in the Mathima- tykes ; and thei toke hym a mighty grete Spone of Tre, for that hee ys meet to suppe wyth the Fende hym selve for hys noblenes. And when oon of the auncient Clcrkis wil maken a solcmpne Feste, hee 3iveth Billes of the Viaundes to hys Guestis, but he endytith hem in an outlandish Tonge, for hit ys not leful for hym to speke moch of that he eteth. And yt is not leful in this Ryaum for a man to take mo than oon Wyf; and sume take nat any, which is to me grete Mervaylle, for thei ben restrayned by Lawe and de- fended. Now understondethc wel, the Men of this Contree ben gode Christen men as tlici seyn ; howbeit thei don 5ive worschypp to Ydoles and Symulacres according to hir Noblesse and Paupcrtee, as I schal say 30U. The olde Clerkes worschippen Stockes and Rotes of Grew, and som don honour to noysom and hydous Mostres, as testes wyth III Feet, and thei clepen hem Tripoes, which ben ajenst Kynde and felonous ; but the jonge men maken homage to lytille Go, and to Shippes and Destreres. And wytethe wel, that thei ben Wynbibers, and folke glotenous ; for thei make nat the mede of Delyvernesse als the men of Grew in Elis and Olympia, of Appullcs and socli Thynges ; but Appules thei cten for Delyte sodden as vSawsc witli Gees, and Parslyes tliei Icet kytten smale and sowcen hem in IJotyre and supjjen hem wyth Flcsschc of Moutons scethyd : but thei eten gladlyest of Pyncs, and there of thei maken gret servyse for Lordes. But for medes thei taken Cups of THE TATLER IN CAMBRIDGE. 309 Sylver to drynken Wyn withal. And mo I wyl not now sey 30U at this present cesoun, lest 30U ben da 3yd. Wherfore Aristotle seyth in Moralibus, Haec niissa facia/nus, that is to seyn, We may maken theise jMattres in a j\Iesse." Christopher Wordsworth. 310 ly CAP AND GOWN. OCTOPUS} By Algernon Charles Sin-Burn. The foUoivii![^ iJircc parodies, foi[cther luith " 7 kings not generally kfionin,''' appeared in " 7 he dJght Green" perhaps the most brilliant periodical which the University of Cambyidge has produced. Only two 7minbers of it wei'e published, the first in May, the second in A''oveinber, 1S72. 7t was entirely writtoi by one undergraduate of St. /ohn''s College, named Arthur Cleniejits Hilton {B.A, 1873), who iinfortimately did not live to fulfil the promise of these clever parodies. '''The Light Green,'' A'os. I and 2, are still reprinted by Messrs. Metcalfe and Son. Straxge beauty eight-limbed and eight-handed, Whence earnest to dazzle our eyes ? With thy bosom bespangled and banded With the hues of the seas and the skies ; Is thy home European or Asian, O mystical monster marine ? Part molluscous and partly crustacean, Betwixt and between. Wast thou born to the sound of sea trumpets ? Hast thou eaten and drunk to excess Of the sponges thy muffins and crumpets, Of the seaweed thy mustard and cress ? Wast thou nurtured in caverns of coral, Remote from reproof or restraint ? Art thou innocent, art thou immortal, Sinburnian or Saint ? ' Written at the Crystal Palace Aquarium. OCTOPUS. Lithe limbs, curling free, as a creeper That creeps in a desolate place, To enrol and envelop the sleeper In a silent and stealthy embrace ; Cruel beak craning forward to bite us, Our juices to drain and to drink, Or to whelm us in waves of Cocytus, Indelible ink ! O breast, that 'twere rapture to writhe on ! O arms 'twere delicious to feci Clinging close with the crush of the Python, When she maketh her murderous meal ! In thy eight-fold embraces cnfolden, Let our empty existence escape ; Give us death that is glorious and golden. Crushed all out of shape ! Ah, tliy red lips, lascivious and luscious Witli death in their amorous kiss ! Cling round us, and clasp us, and crush us, . Witli bitings of agonized bliss : We arc sick with the poison of pleasure, Dispense us the potion of pain ; Ope tliy mouth to its uttermost measure, And bite us again ! A. C. HiuroN. 3" 312 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE HEATHEN PASS-EE. Being the Story of a Pass Examination. By Bred Hard. Which I wish to remark, And my language is plain, That for plots that are dark And not always in vain. The heathen Pass-ee is peculiar, And the same I would rise to explain. I would also premise That the term of Pass-ee Most fitly applies. As you probably see, To one whose vocation is passing The " ordinary B.A. degree." Tom Crib was his name, And I shall not deny In regard to the same What that name might imply ; But his face it was trustful and childlike, And \e had the most innocent eye. THE HEATHEN PASS-EE. 313 Upon April the First The Little-Go fell, And that was the worst Of the gentleman's sell, For he fooled the Examining Body In a way Fm reluctant to tell. The candidates came. And Tom Crib soon appeared ; It was Euclid. The same ^^'as " the subject he feared ; " But he smiled as he sat by the table With a smile that was wary and weird. Yet he did what he could. And the papers he showed Were remarkably good, And his counLcnance glowed With pride when I met him soon after As he walked down the Trumpington Road. Wc did not find him out. Which I bitterly grieve. For I've not tlic least doubt 11iat he'd placed up his sleeve Mr. Todhunter's excellent Euclid, The same with intent to deceive. But I shall not forget How the next day at two A stiff paper was set r.y lv\amincr U On l\uripi(les' traged}', bacclue, A subject T(jm " partially knew.'" 314 I^ CAP AND GOWN. But the knowledge displayed By that heathen Pass-ee, And the answers he made, Were quite frightful to see, For he rapidly floored the whole paper By about twenty minutes to three. Then I looked up at U And he gazed upon me ; I observed, " This won't do ; " He replied, " Goodness me ; We are fooled by this artful young -person," And he sent for that heathen Pass-ee. The scene that ensued Was disgraceful to view, For the floor it was strewed With a tolerable few Of the " tips " that Tom Crib had been hiding For the " subject he partially knew." On the cuff of his shirt He had managed to get What we hoped had been dirt, But which proved, I regret. To be notes on the rise of the Drama, A question invariably set. In his various coats We proceeded to seek, Wlicre we found sundry notes And with sorrow I speak One of Bolin's publications, so useful To the student of Latin or Greek. THE HEATHEN PASS-EE. 315 In the crown of his cap Were the Furies and Fates, And a dehcate map Of the Dorian States, And we found in his palms which were hollow, What are frequent in palms, that is dates. Which is why I remark, And my language is plain. That for plots that are dark And not always in vain. The heathen Pass-ee is peculiar, Which the same I am free to maintain. A. C. Hilton. 3i6 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBAND- MAN. By Louisa Caroline. N. B. A Vulture is a rapacious and obscene bird, which destroys its prey by plucking it limb from limb with its powerful beak and talons. A Husbandman is a man in a low position of life, who supports him- self by the use q{\X\c plough. Joii.XbON's Dictionary. The rain was raining cheerfully, As if it had been May, The Senate-House appeared inside Unusually gay ; And this ^vas strange, because it was A Viva-Voce day. The men were sitting sulkily, Their paper work was done, They wanted much to go away To ride or row or run ; " It's very rude," tliey said, " to keep Us here and spoil our fun." THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBAND M A The papers they had finished lay In piles of blue and white, They answered everything they could, And wrote with all their might, But though they wrote it all by rote, They did not write it right. The Vulture and the Husbandman Beside these piles did stand ; They wept like anything to see The work they had in liand : " If this were only finislicd u])," Said they, " it would be grand ! " "If seven D's or seven C's ^Vc give to all ilie crowd, 1)() you suppose," the Vullare said, ' That wo could get tliem j^loughed ? " ' 1 lliink so," said ihc Ilusljandman, Hut pray clun'i talk so loud." ()h. L'ndergraduales, come up," 'i'he A'ulturc did ijcscccli, ' And let us see if _\()u can learn As Well as wc can teacli ; We cannot do with inf)re than two, IVj have a word with cacli." 'I'wo Undergraduates cMme uj). And .d(j\vl\- took a seat ; TiK\- knit llieir hrow-^, ;ind liit their thumbs, A- if tiiey fjund ihem sweet : And tliii was odd, Ijecause \ou know 'I'iuuiibs are not uocjd to eat. 3i8 IN CAP AND GOWN. " The time has come," the Vulture said, " To talk of many things Of Accidence and Adjectives, And names of Jewish kings ; How many notes a sackbut has, And whether shawms have strings." " Please, Sir," the Undergraduates said, Turning a little blue, " We did not know that was the sort Of thing we had to do." " We thank you much," the Vulture said ; " Send up another two." Two more came up, and then two more. And more, and more, and more. And some looked upwards at the roof, Some down upon the floor, l]ut none were any wiser than The pair that went before. " weep for you," the Vulture said; " I deeply sympathize ! " With sobs and tears he gave them all D's of the largest size, AMiile at the Husbandman he winked One of his streaming eyes. '' I think," observed the Husbandman, " We're getting on too quick ; Are we not putting down the D's A little bit too thick?" The Vulture said with much disgust, "Their answers make me sick." THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBANDMAN. 319 " Now, Undergraduates." he cried, " Our fun is nearly done ; Will anybody else come up? " But answer came there none ; And this was scarcely odd, because They'd ploughed them every one ! A. C. Hilton. 320 JN CAP AND GOWN. THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN That Trinity men are meek and humble, that Jesus men are gentle and undemonstrative, that Sidney is the place for high culture and refinement, that Corpus is an intellectual College, that Emmanuel is in the vanguard of progress, and where deceased Proctors go to. Useful Dcfinitmis. Don. "An abridgment of all that's unpleasant in man." Dean. Another way of spelling Don and a much cusseder one. Bedmakcr. A necessary evil. Gyp. More evil and less necessary. Tubbing Freshmen. A 'Varsity Oar's dream of bliss. A. C. Hilton. ( 321 ) EPISODE IN THE UXIVERSITY CAREER OF OUR OlD FrIENDS BROWN, JONES, AND Robinson. This '' Episode'" is rcpy-intcd frovi " Tlic Cantab" a periodical which appeared in Ca/nlirii/i^e in 1S73. Three students sat writing with lips compressed, In a well-known house with their heads bent down ; I*>ach thou_L,'ht of the " tip " that might serve him best, And the Proctor came rustling up, all hood and gown. For men must work, and little they'll sleep, If Dons be cruel and papers be deep, And the Church and ]5ar be waiting. Three Dons sat sipping at something hot i;y a flickering lamp when the sun went down ; Tlicy looked at each blunder, and crib plirase, and "shot," And they marked down a D with a sigli and a frown. I'Vir men must work l)Ut little you'll slee]), If a man with a cornet should under you keep, And tile ('hur< h and liar be waiting. Three travellers puffed c)Ut a fragrant cloud, ( )ne ."^alurdjy morn, when the men went down ; V 322 IN CAP AND GOWN. Though they travelled first class, you could see they were ploughed, And oh ! they were Robinson, Jones, and Brown ! For men won't work, and little they'll sleep, If the wine be good and tobacco be cheap. Though the Churcli and Bar be waiting. IN ME MORI AM. Rfi];i;RTi Bendall, Toxsorum Ultimi. In oldcn times the collci^c barber ^cas an important personage in Cambridge. Mr. J. \\\ Clark, in his chapters on Cambridge published in the "Portfolio,^' says, " / the old statutes of JVinity the barber luas ill the foiaidation, like the cook. Most colleges had a barber'' s shop. At King's, each fello-iV paid for his o'vn shaving, but that of the provost tiias defrayed by the college." In the last century the barber powdered the felloiL's' ZL'igs ciery day before hall. As to the practice -which prevailed about the year iSoo, the folloii'ing extract from Pryme's ^'Recollections" ud II give some idea : " 1 i,ere uvvv ti^'o or three ?nide)graduates -who -wore po-^'der. . . . The rest of lis -wore our Iiair curled. . . . Wigs -u^ere still -worn by the Dons and Heads i^nth fe-w exceptions. Cory, the iMaster of Emmanuel, -,'a.:, I AZ/Vrv, the first to leave his ojf, complaining of head- ache. Dr. Par lies of Peterhouse {died 1S3S) preserz'cd his to the last. In Mr. Daniel Syhe^'s lime, zohich -was ti^'ciity years before mine, the .Senior lellui, 's of I'riiiity t. 'ore :. ould not be angry) replied ivith much apparent reluctance ' Wliy, sir, he said you luasnH fit to carry guts to a bear! ' ' And 7vhat did you say ? ' asked Farmer. The barber replied with much energy and seeming satisfaction ' / said, sir, that you was.' " The race of college barbers has only become extinct during the last fifteen years. Bendall of Peterhouse, the last of his class, died in 1 87 5, and it was in memory of hi?n that Shilleto wrote the following epitaphs. " Tumulo Licinus jacct." Time, whose sure scythe brings to an end all, Mows down our last of barbers Bendall, Whose hand and foot like lightning sped, As wig he trimmed and chin and head Who waked us on occasion bled And shaved our lazy ones in bed.^ The sole surviving college barber We, Peterhouse, no longer harbour ; For he, who others shaved without A scar, himself is clean shaved out. Clotho has spun his thread of years, And Lachesis not interferes, So Atropus has ta'en his shears, Shears, sharper than her own, and shorn The feeble yarn, at length outworn. Greet, chafer, bason, powder, pole. Comb, napkin, soap, the good old soul Greet him all Barbers' solemnly Incorporated Company, Before whom ye have reached the goal. ' See Wordsworth's " Social Life at English Universities," pp. 130-13S. IN MEMORIAM. 325 Ye shades of Barnes and Smyth of old Whom oft he powdered, oft he polled, Vouchsafe to him your welcome best Within the islands of the blest We bid his gentle spirit rest. Ix Peterhouse not fruitlessly At students' doors did Bendall knock. Not trulier told tlie hour than he I'lie cliapel bell the chapel clock. Xow at St. Peter's gate he stands, 1 1 is task here clone, his wages ta'en. JIc knocks, ami with uplifted hands A.-^ks entrance nor asks he in \'ain. R. Sjiillkto. 326 IN CAP AND GOWN. THE BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. A Lay sung in the Temple of Minerva Girtonensis. This parody of jMacaiilay^s '^ Lay" was 7uritten by the Rev, E, IV. Ro'cvling, of St. fohii's College (B.A. i860), zvhen, in February, 1881, three ^^ Graces^'' 7aere passed admitting ladies of Neiunham and Girton to be examined and classed in the Tripos Examinations. ^^ Parvus Jlfariensis " (stanza 9) is the Rm. W. H. Guillemard, Vicar of Little St. Mary's; ^^ Pottiiis" is Dr. Potts, of Enclid fame ; '^ Genera lis I^st-iMagister" is Jlemy Faiucett, at that time Post master- Gette ral ; ''' Dilkius Radicalis''' is Sir Charles Dilke ; " Gruxus J'rofessoriiis, beloved of fair Sabrine,''' is the late Dr. B. II. Kennedy, loho luas for so many years Head J\Iastcr of Shre-uslmry School ; " Fabrorutn Maximns " is Mr. Hamblin Smith ; and Peronatus is Dr. Peroiune. I. tEmilia Girtonensis By the Nine Muses swore That the great house of Girton Should suffer wrong no more. By the Muses Nine she swore it, And named a voting day, And bade her learned ladies write. And summon to the impending fight Their masters grave and gay. II. Ivast and West and South and North The learned ladies wrote, BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 327 And Town and Gown and Country Have read the martial note. Shame on the Cambridge Senator Who dares to lag behind, When female voices call him To improve the female mind. III. l>ut by the yellow Camus AV'as tumult and affright : Straightway to Pater Varius The Trojans take their flight " O Varius, Father Varius, To whom Trojans pray, The ladies arc upon us ! We look to thee this day ! " IV. Tliere be thirty chosen Fellows, The wisest of the land, AVho hard by I'ater Varius To l)ar all progress stand : livening and morn the Thirty On the Three Craccs sit, 'I'raced from the left l)y fingers deft In the great I'rcss of I'itt. And willi one voire the Thirty I hive uttered their decree " ( io forth, go fjrth, great \arius, ( )|'|Mj,,e the (ir,u eN Three ! 328 ly CAP AND GOWN. The enemy already Are quartered in the town, And if they once the Tripos gain, What hope to save the gown ? VI. " To Hiz, the town of Offa, Their classes first they led, Then onward to Girtonia And Nunamantium sped : And now a mighty army Of young and beardless girls Beneath our very citadel A banner proud unfurls," Then out spake Father Varius, No craven heart was his : " To PoUmen and to Wranglers Death comes but once, I wis. And how can man live better. Or die with more renown Than fighting against Progress For the rights of cap and gown ? VIII. "I, with two more to help me, Will face yon Graces Three ; Will guard the Holy Tripod, xVnd the M.A. Degree. We know that by obstruction Three may a thousand foil. Now who will stand on cither hand To guard our Trojan soil .-' " BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 329 IX. Then Parvus !Mariensis, Of Bearded Jove the Priest, Spake out, " Of Trojan warriors I am, perhaps, the least, Yet will I stand at thy right hand." Cried Pottius, " I likewise At thy left side will stem the tide Of myriad flashing eyes." X. Meanwhile the ladies' Army, Right glorious to behold, Came clad in silks and satins bright, ^Vith seal-skins and with furs bcdight, And gems and rings of gold ; Four hundred warriors sliouted " Placet " with fiendish glee, As tliat fair hcjst with fairy feet. And smiles unutterably sweet. Came tripj)ing each towards her seat. Where stood the dauntless Three. XI. The Three stood calm and silent. And frowned Ujion their fi)es. As a great shout of laugluer Prom the four hundred rose. And fortli three cliieis came si)urring ilefore their ladies gay ; They f u ed the 'i'lu-ee, ihey scowled and scoffed, 'J'heir g(jwns they doiMi.-d, tlieir caps tliey (hjffed, 'ITien sped thein l<; the fray. 330 IN CAP AND GOWN. XII. Generalis Post-Magister, Lord of the Letter-bags ; And Dilkius Radicalis, Who ne'er in combat lags ; And GrKcus Profcssorius, Beloved of foir Sabrine, From the grey Elms beneath whose shade A hospitable banquet laid, Had heroes e'en of cowards made Brought " placets " thirty-nine. XIII, Stout Varius hurled " non placet " At Post-lSIagister's head : At the mere glance of Pottius Fierce Radicalis fled : And Parvus Mariensis So they who heard him tell Uttered but one false quantity, And Profcssorius fell ! XIV. But fiercer still and fiercer Fresh foeman sought the fray, And fainter still and fainter Stout Varius stood at Ijay. " Oh that this too, too solid Flesh would dissolve ! " he sighed Yet still he stood undaunted, And still the foe defied. BATTLE OF THE PONS TRIUM TROJANORUM. 331 XV. Then Pollia Nunamensis, A student sweetly fair, Famed for her smiles and dimples, IJluc eyes and golden hair, Of Cupid's arrows seized a pair, One in each eye she took : Cupid's best bow with all her might She pulled 'each arrow winged its flight, And straightway reason, sense, and sight Stout Varius forsook. XVI. " He falls : " the Placets thundered, And filled tlie yawning gap ; In vain his trusty comrades Avenge their chief's mishap liis last great fight is done. They charge ! iJrave Pottius prostrate lies, No Rider hc:l[)S him to arise ; They < liarge ! Fierce Mariensis dies. The liridge, tlie Bridge is won ! XVII. Ill vain (lid Pcncornutus Plash lightnings froin his beard ; In vain Fabrcjrum Maxiinus His massive form uprcarcd ; And Lnmbius Pexisorius I )iviiiLr p(.)teiit he ! And I'ri-onatUs roljud in state. And fine old I'oshiiis scidale. 332 IN CAP AND GOWN. All vainly stemmed the tide of fate- Triumphed the Graces Three ! XVIII. But when in future ages Women have won their rights, And sweet girl-undergraduates Read through the lamp-lit nights ; When some, now unborn, PoUia Her head with science crams ; When the girls make Greek Iambics, And the boys black-currant jams ; XIX. When the good man's shuttle merrily Goes flashing through the loom. And the good wife reads her I'lato In her own sequestered room ; AVith weeping and with laughter Still shall the tale be told. How pretty Pollia won the Bridge In the brave days of old. E. W. BOWLIXG. ( 333 ) A BALLAD OF BOTHERS. " A Ballad of Bothers,'" as'^cll as the " Ten Triolets,'" -was printed i^i the " Cambridge Meteor,'^ roliieh appeared during the ^^ May JVeeh" in 1882. TJic ''May Week " in this year fell for the first time in June. From country, from coast, and from city, From nowhere and goodness knows where. The visitors come without pity. There is not a corner to spare ; And students with work to prepare Must charter a captive balloon And study aloft in the air, ]"or the !N[ay Week has fallen in June. The j^'rinding of feet that are gritty So ceaseless on landing and stair; The notes of some drawing-room ditty Disturb the recluse in his lair, And cause him to chitcli at his hair As he toils in the hot afternoon, i!ut nobody hears if he swear, I''or tile May Week has fillcn in June. Then llie damsels, supposing it's pretty 'I'lieir art-curtain patu rns to wear. Anil llic Noutli-^ who (OIK ei\e they are witty (Joiiie rcjund to be stared at, and stare, 334 I^ CAP AND GOWN. And amateur buglers that blare, And singers that howl to the moon, Are more than the system can bear ; For the May Week has fallen in June. Envoi. Friend, do not be caught in the snare, And strive not to sing or to spoon ; Your tripos is all your affair, For the May Week has fallen in June. A. R. Ropes. ( 335 ) TEN TRIOLETS. I. \\'hat a slave one is made To another man's sisters ! They must be obeyed. AVhat a slave one is made ! One's bills are unpaid, And one's hands are all blisters. What a slave one is made To another man's sisters ! II. We are packed in a boat To row to the races, Parasol, hat and coat, We arc packed in a boat, Like Tritons afloat With a cargo of Graces; We arc packed in a boat To row to the races. in. Time, bow, do you hear ? l)(jn'l stare at the ladies, 1 low are we to slccr ? Time, bow, do y(ni hear? 3^6 IN CAP AND GOWN. One never feels clear As to where your oar's blade is Time, bow, do you hear ? Don't stare at the ladies. Mind your oar. Easy all ; We will get out at Ditton. Take care you don't fall, Mind your oar ! Easy all. Just hand out a shawl For the ladies to sit on. Mind your oar easy all ; We will get out at Ditton. V. Was that the first gun, Or was it the second ? I have only heard one, Was that the first gun ? We shall soon see them run, If it is as you reckoned ; Was that the first gun, Or was it the second ? VI. Well rowed put it on Pick it up now you're gaining There's half a length gone ; Well rowed ! put it on ! Just see that fat don Who is puffing and straining ; Well rowed ! put it on ! Pick it up now you're gaining. TEN TRIOLETS. 337 VII. Push off now, be quick ; Get ahead of the hustle : The boats crowd so thick Push off now, be quick If we stop we shall stick Till the end of the tussle. Push off now, be quick; Get ahead of the hustle. VIII. Are we over ? not quite, It is only our rudder. There is no cause for fright ; Are we over ? not quite. I will keep you all right, My dear so don't shudder : Are v/c over ? not (juite. It is only our rudder. IX. There's a concert at King's To follow the rowing ; You must sec some more things. There's a concert at King's ; All angels have wings. Vet xwwiX. yuii be going ? There's a concert al King's To follow the rowing. X. I am left all aloiic Willi a r(j,ic llua is taclcd ; 338 IN CAP AND GOWN. My charmer has flown. I am left all alone, And I cannot but groan When I think what my "May" did; I am left all alone With a rose that is faded. A. R. Ropes. ( 339 ) A VERY DOLOROUS BALLADE OF CAMBRIDGE. (See 4 and 7, King's Parade, etc.) Jliis '' i/o/i'jvits ballade'''' af^f'carcd In the " Cambridge Revieiii'^ far February iS, 1SS5. Greef, Sadd, Death, Carz'er, and Pain, uie k)iou, I lit -.^'bio is WrLiirher? From bud of youth to age's haulm, Down Camljridge streets ?lo\\ small and great ; Here pass men seeking labour's balm In l'"cnner's, football field, or eight ; Here llics the undergraduate While Proctors toil l)ehind in vain, \\'h(jin watch from dawn till even late Orecf, Sadd, Dcatli, Carver, Wrencher, Pain. Here oft on summer evening calm, Or when the north howls des(jlate, Yhrxl fragments of the cliaiiled [isalm, My cries of choirs reiterate ; 'i'lic ( liapcl door pours fortli its freight Of folk l(j daily life again. Where grimly amhusht f^r them wait (heef, Sadd, Heath, Carver, Wrencher, Pain. 340 IN CAP AND GOWN. So Dante saw (with scarce a qualm) Above Hell's portal desperate The obverse of Paradise's palm Engraved for Satan's front-door plate ; Nay, even that dread scroll of fate Ran with less grim foretaste of bane Than this malignant rune irate, Greef, Sadd, Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain. ENVOY. Prince, in the midst of college state, For all thy robes of Tyrian grain. Forget not these outside thy gate, Greef, Sadd, Death, Carver, Wrencher, Pain. Arthur Platt. { 341 A GIRT ON I AN FUNERAL. " // Girtonian FiineraV^ appeared in the '' youriial of Education'''' for May I, 1886. The Academy reports that the students of Girton College have dissolved their " Browning Society," and expended its remaining funds, two shillings and twopence, upon chocolate-creams. Let us begin and portion out these sweets, Sitting together. Leave we our deep debates, our sage conceits, Wherefore? and whether? Thus with a fine that fits the work begun, Our Labours crowning, For we, in sooth, our duty well have done By Robert Browning. Have we not wrought at essay and criticjue, Scorning sujjinc ease? Wrestled with clauses crabbed as IJito's (Ireek, Baffling as Chinese ? (Jut the Fun Album's mystic heart wc tcjok. Lucid of soul, and Threaded llie mazes of the Ring and ilouk ; (Jleared up Cliilde Roland. W'e -^eltled iMfine's business -let Iier be (Strangest of lassL-s ;) \\ at( hed by the hour some lliick-veiled truth to see Where Pippa passes. 342 IN CAP AND GOWN. (Though, dare we own, secure in victors' gains, Ample to shield us ? Red Cotton Night-cap Country for our pains Little would yield us.) What then to do ? Our culture-feast drag out E'en to satiety ? Oft such the fate that findeth, nothing doubt, Such a Society. Oh, the dull meetings ! Some one yawns an aye, One gapes again a yea. We girls determined not to yawn, but buy Chocolate Menier. Fry's creams are cheap, but Cadbury's excel, (Quick, Maud, for none wait) Nay, now, 'tis Menier bears away the bell. Sold by the ton-weight. So, with unburdened brains and spirits light. Blithe did we troop hence. All our funds voted for this closing rite, Just two-and-two-pence. ])o make in scorn, old Croesus, proud and glum, Peaked eyebrow lift eye ; Put case one stick's a halfpenny ; work the sum ; Full two and fifty. Off with the twine ! who scans each smooth brown slab Yet not supposeth What soft, sweet, cold, pure whiteness, bound in drab. Tooth's bite discloseth ? Are they not grand ? Why (you may think it odd) Some power alchemic Turns, as we munch, to Zeus-assenting nod Sneers Academic. Till, when one cries, " 'Ware hours that fleet like clouds, Time, deft escaper ! " A GIRTONIAN FUNERAL. 34c We answer bold : " Leave Time to Dons and Dowds ; (Grace, pass the paper) Say, boots it aught to evermore affect Raptures high-flying ? Though 7<.v choose chocolate, will the world suspect Genius undying ? " 344 //V CAP AND GOWN. THE POETS AT TEA. Mr. Pain's excellent parodies were printed in " The Cambridge Fort- nightly," one of the most recent of the University periodicals, three mnnbcrs of which appeared during the Lent Term ^1888. Macauiay, PouR, varlet, Dour the water, who made it. J ' 1 ) The water steaming hot ! A spoonful for each man of us, Another for the pot ! We shall not drink from amber, No Capuan slave shall mix For us the snows of Athos With port at thirty-six ; Whiter than snow the crystals Grown sweet 'neath tropic fires, More rich the herb of China's field, The pasture-lands more fragrance yield ; For ever let Britannia wield The teapot of her sires ! II. Tennyson, \ think that I am drawing to an end : who took It i^'- For on a sudden came a gasp for breath, And stretching of the hands, and blinded eyes. And a great darkness falling on my soul. O Hallelujah ! . . . Kindly pass the milk. THE POETS AT TEA. 345 III. As the sin that was sweet in the sinning S''e"hg<;t Is foul in the ending thereof, '=''i- As the heat of the summer's beginning Is past in the winter of love : O purity, painful and pleading ! O coldness, ineffably gray ! O hear us, our handmaid unheeding. And take it away ! IV. The cosy fire is briirht and gay, Cowper wi ' o ^ ' thoroughly The merry kettle boils away enjoyed it. And hums a cheerful song. I sing the saucer and the cup ; Pray, Mary, fill the teapot up, And do not make it strong. V. irowning, wlio treated Tut ! 15ah ! We take as another case Pass the bills on tlie liills on the window-sill ; it .dicgori- ' cally. notice the capsule (A sick man's' fancy, no doubt, but I place Reliance on trade-marks, Sir) so perhajjs you'll 1-^xcusc the digression tliis cup whicli I hold Pight-poiscd Pah, it's spilt in the bed ! well, lei's on go Hold iW^hca ami sugar, Sir; if you were told The sugar was salt, would the i'.ohea be Con^o ? 346 IN CAP AND GOWN. Words- worth, who };ave it away. " Come, little cottage girl, you seem To want my cup of tea ; And will you take a little cream ? Now tell the truth to me." She had a rustic, woodland grin. Her cheek was soft as silk, And she replied, " Sir, please put in A little drop of milk." "Why, what put milk into your head? 'Tis cream my cows supply " And five times to the child I said, "Why, pig-head, tell me, why?" " You call me pig-head," she replied ; " My proper name is Ruth. I called that milk " she blushed with pride- " You bade me speak the truth." Poe, who got excited over it. Here's a mellow cup of tea golden tea ! What a world of rapturous thought its fragrance brings to me ! Oh, from out the silver cells How it wells ! How it smells ! Keeping tune, tune, tune, tunc To the tintinnabulation of the spoon. And the kettle on the fire P)oils its spout off with desire, With a desperate desire THE POETS AT TEA. 347 And a crystalline endeavour Now, now to sit, or never, On the top of the pale-faced moon, Ijut he always came home to tea, tea, tea, tea, tea. Tea to the n ith. VIII. The lilies lie in my lady's bower wh^rook (O weary mother, drive the cows to roost), six cups of it They faintly droop for a little hour ; My lady's head droops like a flower. She took the porcelain in her hand (O weary mother, drive the cows to roost) ; She poured ; I drank at her command ; Drank deep, and now you understand ! (O weary mother, drive the cows to roost). Weel, gin ye speir, I'm no incHned, HkJdu"'^' Whusky or tay to state my mind idukcratcd Fore ane or ither ; I'V)r, gin I tak the first, I'm fou, And gin the next, I'm dull as you, Mix a' theuither. in't M.- One (Up for my self^]iOf)fl, nyil!' 1\!,',"" M.uiy for you. .Allons, ramerodos, we will drink together O hand-in-liriud : 'I'hat. tea-spoon, please, when you've dcjiie with it. 348 IN CAP AND GOWN. What butter-colour'd hair you've got. I don't want to be personal. All right, then, you needn't. You're a stale-cadaver. Eighteen-pence if the bottles are returned. AUons, from all bat-eyed formules. B. E. O. Pain. INDEX "Academic Glorj%" statue of, 25 Albert, Prince. Sec' Prince Consort Allott, Rev. R., 80 Anaiomy schools attacked by the townsmen, 199 " Anti-Junius " and the Times, 221 Arden, R. Pepper, 45 V, I:ianks, W. J., iiS, 120 Paratta, 25 liarber. The, 49, 323 Parker, E. II., of Thetford, xv. ; his " Anecdotes " referred to, 84. Prid::;e Meteor, The, 333 C'DiiI'vidj^e /v'tT'/iTi', The, 339 Cuiii/>rid^e, The Tu/ler in, xiv. Ciunhrid.e. b'liiversily Mai^azine, The, xiv., 169 Campbell and (biriiett, Messr.., "Life of J. Clerk Maxwell," 242 3SO INDEX. Cantab, The, 321 Caput, The death of, 249 Cardinal's Cap, The, 5 Cayley, C. B., of Trinity College, 1 89 Cayley, G. J., editor of the Realm, 251 Celibate Question, The, 253 Ceres, statue of, 94, 9S " Cergiel." See Le Grice Chancellorship of the University, election for, 207-227 Chapman, Dr. Benedict, Master of Caius College, 239 Clare, Greyhounds of, xxvi. Clark, Dr. W., Professor of Anatomy, 199 Clark, Mr. J. \V., So, 94, 242, 323 Clarke, E. D., 94, 98 "Club Law" performed in Clare Hall, 199 "Codex Bezae," Dr. Kipling's edition of, 57 Coleridge, S. T., 205 Colleges, characteristics of, xxii. Collins, Mortimer, 251 Commencement, The Public, 84 Cooper, Mr., attorney, 241 Copley, Sir J. Singleton, 118 Cory, Dr. R. T., Master of Em- manuel College, 323 Cowper, W., translation from J]ourne by, 20 " Crackling," xxiii. Crew (jf Kind London Gossips, A, 4, 7 Crick, Thomas, pulilic orator, 225 D Death, J(jhn, livery-stable keeper, 241 " Death Riot,'' 200 Dilkc, Sir Charles, 326 Dons, recurrence of stories against, XX. ; the enemies of undergradu- ates, xxii. Douglas, Dr. Philip, 76 Doves of St. Catharine's, The, xxvi. Doyle, Sir Erancis, 198 Eagle, The, record of expenses for, 34 Election for the Chancellorship, 207-227 Elections, Parliamentary, at Cam- bridge, 118, 120, 237 Emmanuel College, Jubilee at, 82 Erskine, The Hon. Thomas, 49 "Facetiae Cantabrigienses, " xii., 113. "4 Farmer, Richard, Master of Em- manuel, 82, 87, 323 Fawcett, Henry, Professor, 326 Fawkes, Fr. , 108 Feast-day, A College, 89 "Fierce Freestone," 199 Foster, Bob, the flying barber of Clare, 323 French, Dr., Master (jf Jesus College, 218 Frere, Rev. J. A., 242 Frere, Temple, 154 Frere, William, I\Iaster of Down- in'', xviii. Gage, John, 153 Galvanisi, The, xv., 99 INDEX. 351 Garnett, Professor. See Campbell and Garnett Gentleman'' s Magazine quoted, xxii., xxiv. Girton {see Newnham), Browning Society at, 341 (Gloucester, Duke of, Beverley's letter to, 134 (jlynn, Dr., Eccentricity of, xix. Gooch, Sir Thomas, 24 Gordon, Henry, So Ciosse, Mr. Edmund, on Christopher .Smart, 31 ; his edition of Gray, 46 Cjoulburn, II., 1 18 Gownsman, The, xiii., 127 " Gradus ad Cantal)ri"iam," xxi.. liobson, Thomas, the University carrier, i Hogs, The Johnian, xxiii. ; origin of, xxiv., 88 Hopkins, William, mathematical coach, 161 Hooper, Dr., declamation prizes left by, 105, 205 I Isthmus of Sues, xxiv. J Gray, Thomas, jiarodies of, xv. riray, Thomas, at Cambridge, 46 Grcgc.ry, D. l'., 1 61 " Grex rorcorum,"' xxiii. ( ;re}-h'auids ( liy, 4-II Realm, The, 251 A'l/ornit'r, The, xv. Recent Ifrju^c, The, 249 ,I,es, A. K ^S Rose descent, h-;ht.- in, 199 Rossetti, 1). (;., xiv. " RowiiiL; " man, Tlie, xx. " Run," The, x\. S St. Catharine's, doves of, xwi. St. John'-. ('(;llegc, unpopularity of, xxiii. Savilc, The Hon. and R<-v. P. V., 142 S.;fl;^'ui'T;, ]'rofL's-(^r Adam, " hour I.cltcrs,'' 134 ; 149 ; on the elec- tion of the ( h.incellor, 207 SrMen, Jolin, referred to, 17 '' Se.\a;.;e:i:ir;;ui, " The, referred to, Shuckburgh, E. S., 304 .Sidney, owls of, xxvi. Simeon, Rev. Charles, loS -Simeonites, xxi. ; at Magdalene, xxvi., 108 "Sizar " explained, loS " Sketches of Cantabs," 230 Slang at Cambridge, xxi. Smart, Christopher, xxi., xxv. ; poems by, 31-38 ; his condemna- tion of his University, 34; "Yawn- ing," 108 Smedley, Edward , " A Few Verses," 102 Smith, Mr. Hamblin, 326 Smyth, Professor William, 94 Snol>, The, xii., 124 Snout, the Johnian's, 36 Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Undergraduates, 165 Soone, William, 199 Soph, iS Sfjuare Cap, The, 4S Stanton, Rev. \'. II., 295 Stepney, (Jeorge, \'er-e-' by, 12 Stokes, C. S., 154 Student, The, xv., \\., 31 Sujipression of Monasteiie--, l>e- hate on, at the Union, kSm .Swine. Sec I Iford A.Tlie Fight of Faith. Sermons preached (jn various occasions. 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" For elec:;ance of form and beauty of tyjiograjihy, no edition of Shaks])ere hitherto jjublished has excelled the ' I'archmcnt Library Edition.' . . . They are in the strictest sense pocket volumes, yet the ty])e is bold, and, beinj^ on fine white hand-mafle ]iaper, can hardly tax the weakest of sif^ht. .The print is judiciously confined to the text, notis l)eing more ap])ropriate to library editions. The whole will be com])ri.^ed in tile cream-coldured ])archnient which i;ives the name to tlie series." - Daily Kc.. ; geoL^'raphical names and hist(,ric incidents; me'~tion of all characlrr-. and skcicli.-s of important ones ; tut^elhcr with cxpfinalions of alln^i' iti-. :\n 1 '.bM-iirr and uli^nlelc word-. :ind phra-e^. By EVANGELINE M. O'CONNOR. L'i\r.ri\ : Ki';\\ I'.mi . 'I'm \'n .V ' "., i. I' \ 1 1 i;M>-ii,r. Sinwi;; . SHAKSPERE'S WORKS. SPECIMEN OF TYPE. 4 THE MERCHANT 01< VENICE AcT I Salar, My wind, cooling my bruth, Would blow me to an ague, when I thouglit What harm a wind too great might do at sea. I should not see the sandy hour-glass run IJut I should think of shallows and of flats. And see my wealthy Andrew, dock'd in sand, Vailing her high-top lower than her ribs To kiss her burial. Should I go to church And see the holy edifice of stone. And not bethink me straight of dangerous rocks, Which touching but my gentle vessel's side, Would scatter all her spices on the stream, Enrobe the roaring waters with my silks, And, in a word, but even now worth this, And now worth nothing ? Shall I have the thouglit To think on this, and shall I lack the thought That such a thing bechanc'd would make me sad ? 35ut tell not me : I know Antonio Is sad to think upon his merchandise. Ant. Believe me, no : I thank my fortune for it, My ventures are not in one bottom trusted. Nor to one place ; nor is my whole estate Upon the fortune of this present year : Therefore my merchandise makes me not sad. Salar. Why, then you are in love. Ant. Fie, fie ! Sa/ar. Not in love neither ? Then let us say you are sad, E..-cause you are not merry ; and 'twere as easy For you to laugh, and leap, and say you are merry. Because you are not sad. Now, by two-headed Janu.s, Nature Iiath fram'd strange fellows in her time : Some that will evermore peep througli their eyes And laugh like parrots at a bag-piper ; And other of such vinegar as^icct LONLiO.N ; KlGAN I'Ml; TuE.NCil & C'O.j I, I'AI LK.XOil tii S'2'-'AisE, /ib THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Santa Barbara THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW. Series 9482