3991 saare THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES llntpersitg Hfyptes AND (Dtfyer Derses. BY H i x:. (pufifi80eo for iU (fcufr}or BY KERR & RICHARDSON, GLASGOW. 18 94. PR hwi /Uflfc INDEX. (Unttjersifg QRflgmeB. PAGE 7%£ Student, ... . . g Ballade of a Law- Office, - 1 1 7^ Undergraduate Girl, - - 13 7%?a? GWoftftc*f + £F/y/ //mcs. THE STUDENT. I. — The Ideal. He seldom has been known to miss a class, He takes full notes of every kind of lecture ; His aim is ever that he may surpass His fellows, and in this he may expect your Kind sympathy; he looks upon no lass With interest, nor indulges in conjecture On love or loveliness — his only thought Is to employ each moment as he ought. He is well read in all the ancient lore That Classics and Philosophy bestow ; Like Oliver he always " asks for more," Nor does he " want but little here below ; " He sits up late at night while others snore, There are indeed few things he does not know. And by-and-by he'll be a tip-top sawyer As surgeon, parson, advocate, or lawyer. 9 I T nh 'crsity Rhymes. II. — The Real. He seldom has been known to miss a class, Because the next man kindly calls his name When he is absent ; of the ale of Bass He drinketh ; is proficient at the game Of penny pyramids, for he doth pass His evenings in the practice of the same. On most events he knoweth well the odds, On Friday nights he sits among the gods. He does some work — enough for the Degree, But sits not late-sunless it be at cards ; From lust of learning he is wholly free, The " Honours-man " with feelings he regards Half-awe, half-pity, and he cannot see Much merit in the work of classic bards. But, though he is not likely to excel, He does his work comparatively well. 10 University Rhymes. BALLADE OF A LAW-OFFICE. (After Andrew Lang and a Three Years' Apprenticeship.) The burden of the Law clerk, day-by-day To write from nine to five (or less or more) — For governors are sometimes heard to say They cannot work for banging of the door, Whenas the clock hath chimed the hour of four — But all he doth is done for scanty hire, And " working late '' ofttimes he must deplore — This is the end of every man's desire. The burden of the Apprentice, young and gay, Who is well skilled in philosophic lore, He knoweth all things (he is an M.A.), And problems mathematic he can floor ; But copying all too soon he finds a bore ; Over the letter-press he must perspire ; In billiards go his shekels— a small store — This is the end of every man's desire. The burden of the Student ; ashen-grey Becomes his visage, while he still must pore O'er books, whose authors, long since turned to clay, He erstwhile thought all men might well ignore ; The burden of Justinian — this is sore — Of Bell and Erskine all too soon we tire, Yet must we grind at them as heretofore — This is the end of every man's desire. 11 University Rhymes. ENVOI. Princess ! if you should ask upon what score We toil on, in this city's fog and mire— 'Tis to accumulate the precious ore — This is the end of every maris desire ! 12 University Rhymes. THE UNDERGRADUATE GIRL. In dolman and sack-coat and jacket, In bewitchingest bonnet and hat, In boots that are guiltless of tacket, The fair and the fresh and the fat, Impelled by their hunger for knowledge (Queen Margaret's can't give them their fill), They troop up the heights to the college, To our Gilmorehill. They take the front seats in the classes ; Will they take the first place in the list? Will they jostle the elbowing masses In the rush when the class is dismissed ? Will they captivate Bachelor Bradley ? Are they likely to comprehend Caird ? When they don't know their work, will they sadly Exclaim " Not prepared " ? Will they work with the key known as " Kelly's," Or the better translation of Bohn ? And will Kate use the notes that are Nelly's, When she hasn't got notes of her own ? And will Nell be assisted by Jenny In her essay, if it should befall That on " Consciousness " she has not any Ideas at all ? 13 University Rhymes. Will they write just the things they are taught to? Will they work with their eyes on a " Pass?" Will they ever play pool when they ought to Be sitting sedately in class ? Will they ever such bad words as " " say, If their names should be very far down In the list ? Will they blush when George Ramsay Says " Where is your gown ? " Will they join in the fun of elections ? Will they vote or arrange for a " pair " ? (To voting there are some objections — Peasemeal makes a mess of one's hair) — But, whatever they may or may not do, We heartily wish them success ; If we coach them, they certainly ought to Teach us how to dress ! L4 University Rhymes. THE QUEEN MARGARET'S COLLEGE BAZAAR. Oh! a Monster Bazaar is the best scheme by far If a college endowment is lacking, But the one chiefest need, that the scheme may succeed, Is a most influential backing; And the highest-born dames have all lent us their names, And Dukes by the dozen are coming, So there should be no doubt how the thing will pan out When it's once been set properly humming. For it lightens the task of the Executive, And the requisite fillip it's likely to give If aristocrats set the thing humming. For the past year or more (some began long before) Queen Margaret's maids have been working, Though of manner demure, they will make pretty sure That their friends now don't do any shirking; The presence of raffles (which much more than half-fills The coffers — and empties our purses) Need cause us no cares — Dr Story declares That for raffles no conscience the worse is. Oh! it may be because they are frugal in mind, That to raffles good people are much disinclined, Their conscience perhaps in their purse is. 15 University Rhymes. After raffles come rows of enticing side shows, To visit which all should be willing; Marionettes. Banjo Bands, and the Reading of Hands — The general price is one shilling. And if you should go the Petits Chevaux, Well, you'll lose less than at Monte Carlo, Or, instead, you may dally with charming Aunt Sally, Provided for those whose tastes are low. Oh! many will turn from the horseracing game, To show the spectators how sure is their aim, At the features of charming Aunt Sally. But however you spend it's the same in the end, Provided you're free with your money, Though you only draw blanks, you are paid by the thanks Of ladies whose smiles are so sunny; You can think with delight that you've added your mite To assist the Advancement of Knowledge, And the home and the hearth of true Knowledge on earth « Ought to be in a Young Ladies' College. Oh! it's clearly the duty of every man, To offer the utmost assistance he can To give all Young Ladies more Knowledge. 16 University Rhymes. QUEEN MARGARET MAIDEN'S SONG. Air — Obvious. When I came to Queen Margaret's, a charming young lass, Said I to myself, said I, I shall never be idle, nor absent from class, Said I to myself, said I. Of Fashion I'll cherish no folly or freak, I shall love Logic, Latin, French, German, and Greek, And I shan't go to more than three dances per week, Said I to myself, said I. I shall learn to distinguish 'twixt epic and ode, Said I to myself, said I ; And I won't walk too much in Great Western Road, Said I to myself, said I. The principles into my mind I'll instil, Of Knowing and Being, Desire and Free Will, The Critique of Kant and the Logic of Mill, Said I to myself, said I. I shall write all the essays — at least I shall try — Said I to myself, said I, If they don't make the standard of marking too high, Said I to myself, said I. I shall always write strictly grammatical prose, And I never will crib, as perhaps you suppose, At least — not from a book which the lecturer knows, Said I to myself, said I. 17 University Rhymes. I shall soon become skilled in all erudite lore, Said I to myself, said I, And I hope I shall never think learning a bore, Said I to myself, said I. In scent, gloves, and sweetmeats I'll seldom invest, I shall buy all the books that are deepest and best, But I hope to be alzoays becomingly dressed, Said I to myself, said I. IS University Rhymes. CHAUCERIAN FRAGMENT. Probably from one of the Poet's earliest works. A Professour there was, a werthi man That fro the tyme that he first bigan To rede and write he lovede Philosophic Knowing and Beeing, Truth and Certaintie. Of these he lovede Truth in special, Likewise a dogge that logged in his hall. This dogge that highte Merlin, I wel know Forever with his Mester lovede to go Ful jolyfly, to doon all his pleasaunce, Yet nas he nat to wel in governaunce. But with a stringge ever was lad doun Whan that his Mester walkede in the toun. And for to helpen clerkly wights the mo, This Professour to Logik hadde y-go In a fayre boke the Institutes y-clept, O'er which ful many a clerk hath sound y-slept And in that boke are many gestes ful queynt Which I may tellen yow, without restreynt, As that the angles of a triganon Are equal to right angles tweye and oon* Al be the wys Euclidius did saye The triganon holds but right angles tweye. Euclidius, like Daun Burnel the Moke, Hadde never rede our Professour his boke ; * Institutes of Logic by Professor Veitch, S, 375. 19 University Rhymes. And what is Truth Euclidius coude nat telle, So lat us heed Euclidius never a del. Another jape most straunge we rede as wel The Ethiopian is unwashabel. * Yet for the Ethiopian ther is hope If that he fynde a cake of Bruke's his sope. But what moot bringge our Professour renoun, A sylogism, his own inventioun — The croppes this yere are good in quantitie The croppes this yere are good in qualitie Ergo, the croppes are good, tis verray clere, In quantitie and qualitie this yere. f Al be the fermers moot be gladde of it, To Logik it pertaineth not a whyt ; For though it be his own inventioun, This sylogism is but additioun — Daun Hegel was a true philosophre. Daun Hamilton a true philosophre Ergo Daun Hegel and Daun Hamilton As true philosophres together wone; Now from his lectures we can clerely see Our Professour with this will nat agree. Of other humours coude I telle also, But from this poynt no ferther will I go, For also siker as In principio Logik est hominis coiiftisio. But by necessitie condicionel * Institutes of Logic by Professor Veitch, S. 252. t Ibid, S. 560. 20 University Rhymes. We al moot rede the Institutes right wel, And Seint Paul seith that al that writen ys, To our doctryne it is y-write ywis. Taketh the fruyt and lat my chaf be stille. Now Professour, if that it be thy wille, Graunt that in Logik we may bee good men And bringge us to our Passe Degre. Amen. 21 II. STbeological anb ^Ecclesiastical. Gfoeolooical anfc )£cclesiastical. THE NEW EVANGEL. " If you throw out Jonah and the whale, you throw out the most precious doctrine in the Bible." — Mr Moody at Forfar. Mister Moody and his company while touring in the North, A-starring in the provinces beyond the Clyde and Forth, Had a most successful season — " Hundreds nightly turned away." " Early doors at sixpence extra," as the theatre-posters say; And he gives this strange advice to all who tread life's tearful vale — " It will never do for you to throw out Jonah and the whale ! " In the matter of a miracle he's faith personified, And the Forfar folk approved him, but it cannot be denied His argument was nothingbut a begging of the question, 25 Theological and Ecclesiastical. He quite forgot the fact that even whales have a digestion, While enlarging on that story which seems never to grow stale, That extremely fishy story about Jonah and the whale. He waxed witty on the subject next of Balaam's talk- ing ass, And related how a sceptic friend received his coup de grace ; He had hinted that the animal's linguistic powers are weak, "Friend" said Moody "If you make an ass, Til teach him how to speak ; " — He would do it by example, and his method could not fail, 'Tvvould be much less of a miracle than Jonah and the whale. He believes that in a moment a conversion may take place, And he instances Zaccheus as an interesting case. That such exceptions at the best but goto prove the rule Is a fact that Mister Moody must (or should) have learned at school ; It took three days' close confinement over Jonah to prevail, And though Jonah was converted, still it must have hurt the whale. 26 Theological and Ecclesiastical. Moral. If a parson should forget the platitudes he meant to say, If his "Oil of joy for mourning" has all leaked and run away, If he doesn't know exactly where to find a fetching text, If the sermon preached three weeks ago won't do for Sunday next — Of Mister Moody's helpful hint himself he will avail, And " throw in " a few " reflections " about Jonah and the whale. 27 TJieological and Ecclesiastical. CREDO. Sung by the Rev. Robert Thomson, with drum obligato, during a famous Candidature. I am the very model of a modern Parish Minister, I hate the Romish Church and all her propaganda sinister; I occasionally preach at home, but often go about a lot, With Jacob as my helper, and no doubt we spout and shout a lot ; Anti-papist demonstration is a pretty good advertise- ment, On something rather bigger now I feel my mighty heart is bent ; And if St. Rollox hearkens to my wooing, and will see in me Her future representative, an excellent M.P. I'll be. I am moderately nimble at all questions catechetical, But leave to wiser heads than mine all problems exegetical. About things merely clerical you need not be too critical, I've dropped my whole connection now with matters non-political. If you have a little patience I shall now explain my views to you, With all due modesty I feel that some points will be news to you ; To put the matter straight, I am a Socialistic Radical, And any notion not my own a most outrageous fad I call. 2S Theological and Ecclesiastical. First, every spot upon the earth to all should be accessible, And every wrong within the State when I get in redress I will ; Wide open, free of charge, at once I'll throw the universities — To payfor anything at all the nation's greatest curse it is. Free medical advice, free law — the notion's an inviting one — If they're not paid for letters they'll be charier of writ- ing one; If we can't get things for nothing, pay a halfpenny for each penny thing, But no one but the parsons should be paid for doing anything. On Mr Gladstone's Home Rule Bill I look with some anxiety, When he doesn't know what Home Rule is there's reason for dubiety. Disestablishment, of course, I now regard with equani- mity, And blue-books are more amusing than a treatise on divinity, But, if those hopes should fail at last with which till now I've buoyed myself, I've been before the public, and have thoroughly en- joyed myself ; And if St Rollox folks should think my talk is merely flummery, I'll still find sport in slanging Popish pranks and monkish mummery ! 29 Theological and Ecclesiastical. A SCHOLAR AND A CLERGYMAN. " ' Solvitur ambulando'— It will be solved while you walk. That's Latin We trot it out occasionally as we're paid for it." — The Rev. John M'Neill. Address to business then. The Reverend M'Neill is a straightforward chiel, Whose words run like line off a reel ; But he still seems to shrink from the effort to think — It would shorten his sermons a deal. And his reason for teaching and praying and preaching He makes no attempt to conceal. You may bet your last dollar a classical scholar Has advantages o'er other men ; One may quote French or German in lecture or sermon, But worshippers feel better when A Latin quotation adorns an oration, It seems rather more valuable then. It's a minister's duty (apart from the beauty By apt illustration conveyed) To show that wide reading is constantly feeding His powers of appeal and tirade ; And his mind ought to batten especially on Latin — It's for that that our parsons are paid. University classes (whence "stirks come out asses") Excessive refinement may breed, Bat the orator subtle who studies his Nuttall, Of culture has really no need ; And if but scant knowledge he has of theology He is freer to choose his own creed. 30 Theological and Ecclesiastical. PRIMMER'S PROGRESS. (With acknowledgments to W. S. Gilbert.) Mr Primmer and his suite, as they travel through the land, Like small boys love a noise and a high jerry ho, So they take by way of escort an extremely brazen band, In travelling circus fashion ; With their high jerry ho, With his chatter and his " patter," His slap-bang harangue, And his high jerry ho. The Establishment he views as a tottering old crone, With her chants and her rants and her high jerry ho ; And he calls St. Giles a depot for decaying rag and bone — Naught can assuage his passion 'Gainst her high jerry ho, Her hymns and her whims, Her ritual habitual, And her high jerry ho. And he fears that this land will fall into Romish clutches, With their errors and their terrors and their high jerry ho; For he hates the Scarlet Woman as plebeians love a duchess, And he scarcely can contain him At her high jerry ho, 31 Theological and Ecclesiastical. At her wicks and her pyx, Her confessions of transgressions, And her high jerry ho. Since Mr Primmer is our true Fidei Defensor, We don't grudge him his fudge and his high jerry ho; Each year his ardour seems to grow considerably intenser, So we ought not to disdain him, And his high jerry ho, His vapouring and capering, His blast iconoclastic, And his high jerry ho ! Theological and Ecclesiastical. THE UNCO GUID AGAIN. The Sabbath Protection Association held its forty-third anniversary op Monday. The meeting censured Sunday concerts, pleasure sailing, theatri- cal special trains, political meetings, tramway and cab traffic, and cycling (Lord Blythswood dissenting). Ihe Sunday buying of sweets is to be checked by the formation of a Juvenile Sabbath Union. — Evening Paper. The Sabbath Protection Society Uplifteth its voice in the land, And sinners of every variety Its members are pledged to withstand ; So conceits must cease on the Sunday, However "improving " in tone, The society claims at least one day For its very own. And it's down on the North British Railway, Which runs Sunday boats on the firth, And if people persist, then a gale may O'erwhelm their unsanctified mirth. With the Players the Saints have a quarrel, They cause to the godly much pain, For they patronise what's most immoral, The Sunday-night train. And a Union of juvenile models, Will convert the bad boys of the streets, And the infant, as soon as it toddles, Must be taught that the buying of sweets On the Sabbath, means endless perdition, But the sweets bought on Saturday night Do not come within this prohibition — To suck them, is right. Theological and Ecclesiastical. But we're all with the Union so far as Political talk is concerned ; It's too bad on the Sunday to harass The rest we have thoroughly earned From Home Rule and Eight Hours — Eight Hours ought to Be fixed for those Ministers who, From the nonsense they talk, have all got too, Too little to do. And cabs must be stopped, for the weakly And the old need not go to the kirk ; And cyclists must bow themselves meekly, Though riding is rest after work ; For the Ecclesiastical Grundy Has issued her fiat again — " Let us all be unhappy on Sunday, For ever, Amen ! " 34 III. political, political. WHY HE PERSISTS. " I believe that what binds me to political life is justice to Ireland, and not only to political, but to physical life. "—Message to New York IPCarthyites. Is life worth living? Well, for most Men who have fairly passed fourscore Life holds but little, save a host Of troubles, and some hard-won lore ; But when a man would play the part Of nation-maker, he must dread Lest Fate, the Nursemaid, hard of heart, Should pack him off, too soon, to bed. While there are Irish votes to win And dynamiters to release ; It would be little short of sin To seek from party strife surcease. And till on classic College Green True patriots have full leave to fight, Well pleased and passably serene William will bold on and sit tight. 37 Political. While there are postcards to be bought, And Chester mutton-pies to eat ; Whilejhe remains a pure-bred Scot, While all day long in Downing-street The hungry-eyed reporters wait To note his waistcoat, stick, and flower, His colour, necktie, and his gait, He will defer his closing hour. And it is well : he would be missed ; We wish our William many days ; To him each third-rate novelist Looks not in vain for facile praise. We know that William could not school His heart to leave St. Stephen's portal, And if he live to see Home Rule, William bids fair to prove immortal. 38 Political. OVERWORKED. IN MEMORY OF AN AUTUMN' SESSION. By a Gladstonian Item. Deign to remember us, Grand Old Mysterious Leader, and others of less degree, Pity our plight, for indeed it is serious ; We who are fain for the sight of the sea, Tired of the Terrace and afternoon tea, Lead lives the most loathly — all work and no play. Home Rule is dead, but its memories weary us — Give us, ah ! give its our holiday. Grant us a respite, O Grand Old Magician, Even our hearts in the north may be ; Wilt thou not, woman-like, aid our mission, Speak a kind word for us, Mrs G. ? Sick of divisions, indeed, are we, The cry of our hearts now is, " Well away " ! We are short of temper and out of condition — Give us, ah I give us our holiday. It was hard enough luck to be kept from the grouse. Though you are no sportsman, you must agree, It a woman's duty to " Keep a House," "You've gone to the country" — why should not we? 39 Political. Weary of Saunderson'sy««c d' esprit, Free us of Dillon and eke Tay-Pay ■ Grant us, whatever the future be, Respite— ah ! give us our holiday. Envoi. Morley ! renowned for thy honestee ; Harcourt ! who holdest vice-regal sway, We care not for Party a tinker's D Give us, ah / give us our holiday. 40 Political. LABBY'S SHARE. IN MEMORY OF A PIECE OF CABINET-MAKING. As I pondered in my study, Undisturbed by any body, What my honoured chief would give me from his offices galore- Should I take the place of Matthews, Or of A. J. B., the rash youth, Or should anyone who has Truth To control aspire to more ? Suddenly there came a gentle tapping at my study door, Only this and nothing more. Then upon my invitation With what seemed like trepidation, Entered one whom once and twice perhaps I may have seen before : With an air denoting worry, Just a soupgon too of flurry, Entered Mr Bertram Currie, and he bowed unto the floor, To the stucco bust of Gladstone just above my study door ; Bowed and stood, and nothing more. 41 Political. Then I said, in accents willing, Blandly on that person smiling, " You've a message from that mighty man whom both of us adore." Not a word at first he uttered, While my heart within me fluttered ; Breaking silence then he buttered Mr Gladstone o'er and o'er While I waited with impatience, (I had heard all this before), And I looked for something more. When the ice had thus been broken Then these tactful words were spoken— " Mr Gladstone much regrets — your claims, of course, he can't ignore — And he will remain your debtor If you kindly write a letter Saying that you think it better (at this point I nearly swore) To assist your party from behind — The true esprit de corps " — This he said and nothing more, " Be these words our sign of parting," Shrieked I, for my soul was smarting. " And the Truth about this meeting shall be sold from shore to shore ; Truth is mighty, all-prevailing, 42 Political. Truth is also worth retailing, Office is not worth bewailing, At the best it is a bore ; There is — there is balm in Gilead — we shall sell 10,000 score. This is fame — and something more." 43 Political. POLITICAL RECIPE. By an Old Parliamentary Chef. If you're anxious for to shine In the Party-Leader line, And to hold unquestioned sway, Your care you must devote To the culture of The Vote, Your zeal it will repay ; You may lie in careful phrases, And mislead in endless mazes Those who blindly walk behind, And it doesn't really matter If the country's peace you shatter, If you keep your peace of mind. And all your side will say As you walk your mystic way, If this man says Home Rule is right that's quite enough for me ; If there ever was a person quite infallible, that man is wondrous Mr G. You won't find it prejudicial To acquire a superficial Knowledge — just enough to speak, With a passable precision, And some show of erudition, On ten subjects in one week ; And the novelist or poet (All the second rate ones know it) 44 Political. Whom you kindly recommend, Has acquired a reputation On which readers of the nation May with confidence depend. And everyone will say, When you praise in flowery way, If Annie S. Swan has touched the heart of good old Mr G., Why, what a most particularly literary bird this nice Miss Swan must be. You may outrage commonsense, If you have the eloquence, Which will carry men away; If sufficiently verbose, You will lead those by the nose, Who swear by all you say; Just whenever you're inclined, You are free to change your mind (As I'm sometimes known to do), When you're ready with a reason Which your party gladly seize on, If their politics are you. And my party proudly say, As they grope their blindfold way, If William can change his mind three times 'twixt breakfast time and tea, Why, what a very open-minded kind of man this Grand Old Man must be. 45 Political. A CABINET OF INVALIDS. Mr Gladstone suffers from deafness, Sir William Harcourt from dimness of vision, Mr John Morley from gout, and Lord Rosebery from insomnia— Gossip and Grumbles. In spite of ginger-nuts and kine The Premier holds his wonted way, Consistently does he decline To heed what friends or foes may say ; For amongst Governmental cooks He reigns the undisputed chef, And to complaints, advice, rebukes, Is diplomatically deaf. Sir William, William's aide-de-camp, Is the Gladstonian Dagonet ; Whose jests, as broad as they are long, Have shown no signs of flaggin' yet. When there is trouble in the front, He leads his party from behind, They can't ask him to bear the brunt Who is fortuitously blind. And Honest John, ah ! doleful news, Our model English Man of Letters, Although elastic in his views, Is bound in very galling fetters. 46 Political. Yet he may find (at least he ought to) Some consolation, I've no doubt, In meditating on the motto Which reads thus, " Chacun a son — gout." And our new Foreign Secretary Requires a sedative prescription ; He cannot sleep, although he carry With him the "darkness" styled "Egyptian " A brief experience will suggest Complete relief within his reach is — The cheapest remedy, and best, Is reading Mr Gladstone's speeches. 47 Political. AN AUTOMATIC BUDGET. Sir W. V. Harcourt, loq. If you think my method crude, Do not sneer, because it's rude. Budgets are not in my line, As a humorist I shine, Facts and figures I detest. Generalities are best ; No plan intricate or rash, Is required to raise the cash, Simplest method I have sought — " Put a penny in the slot." Critics gravely blunder who Say my method is not new, Though I can't, of course, ignore That it has been tried before ; But you must be up to date, If you would finance a State ; And I think you can't deny There is popularity In this catchword I have caught — " Put a penny in the slot." With the British Workman's Beer I refuse to interfere. Whisky, too, will yield us nil When we've passed the Veto Bill. 4S Political. Labouchere would raise a dust (Labby whom we love and trust), If a higher price were set On his cherished cigarette. Safest plan of all the lot — ■ " Put a penny in the slot." Shortest method is the best When by lack of time you're pressed. Budget made out " while you wait " Should not raise a long debate. Ratepayers, of course, will groan, But to them we shall atone By our various Fancy Bills, Cures for all electors' ills. Every one must pay his shot — "Put a penny in the slot." 49 Political. HIS LATEST.* " Mr Gladstone is employing his leisure at Biarritz in learning Basque, of which Voltaire once said, ' The Basques pretend that they understand each other when they speak, but I don't believe a word of it.' " — Figaro. When William set out for his much-needed rest, And rushed across France to Biarritz the Blest, Keeping time with the rattle and roar of the train, The problem incessantly throbbed in his brain — " Homer's rather played out — it's the close time for Jam— What subject inside of ten days can I cram? Ah ! what more entrancing a holiday task Am I likely to find than the study of Basque? It may not be easy; they say it is tough — I can stop when I feel I have had quantum suff: And what joy at a dinner or lunch to disclose That I've mastered a language which nobody knows, In my latest employment the papers will find Additional proof of a versatile mind; In this southern sunshine I'll loiter and bask With a phrase-book of this my new holiday task." Of a Glasgow professor it used to be said That the language of Greece in his mind was inbred To such an extent that, although he might speak In English, he did all his thinking in Greek. *January 31st, 1894. 50 Political. But William will follow a different plan — He'll limit his thinking as much as he can, And in future, whenever his followers ask Inopportune questions, he'll answer in Basque. Voltaire was a scoffer who flouted and fleered At Divine things and human; they say that he sneered At the Basque tongue, to grasp which he felt so unable That he classed it alongside the language of Babel. But William comes smilingly up to the scratch — The native will find in him more than a match, Parliamentary training will lighten his task, For the House speaks a compound of Babel and Basque. 51 IV. Ballafcea ai^ IRonfceaus. Ballafces anfc IRonfceaus, BALLADE OF BUCHANAN STREET. The same question arises each day, As I pensively walk to and fro In Buchanan Street, erstwhile so gay With the Kelvinside maidens who go Elsewhere now their perfections to show ; For they seem to be sorely afraid, But not of the slush or the snow — When will the new roadway be laid 1 } If you chance in a hansom to stray Off the causeway, above or below, You can tell where you are from the way You are jolted from headpiece to toe, Though your Jehu drive never so slow; (It gets smoother down near the Arcade) And you gasp in tones breathlessly low — " When will the netv roadway be laid ?" 55 Ballades and Rondeaus. Some would blame it upon the Subway, There are others again who say " No, But the Paving Committee's away (Or, if not, they as well might be so) On a trip to Toulon or Bordeaux ; That is why the work has been delayed." But that brings us no surcease of woe — When will the neto roadway be laid ? ENVOI. O, Lord Provost, Town Council; also, O, ye Magistrates, meekly obeyed (By the publican), say, if you know, When will the new roadway be laid? 56 Ballades and Rondeaus. BALLADE OF ST. ANDREW'S HALLS. An eager audience throngs St. Andrew's Hall, And soon the crowd is traversed by a thrill Of hushed expectancy, and each and all In that vast temple of sweet sound is still ; Then August Manns uplifts his wand of skill And looks towards the door, and seems to wait For silence, which will not be perfect till The West-End people cease to come in late. 'Tis more excusable at dance, or ball, Or dinner, though your hostess's glances chill Your marrow ; and sometimes it may befall Some other Jack has carried off your Jill — (Unpunctuality's most bitter pill) — If so, you meet a well-deserved fate ; We care not if to dance, or eat and swill, The West- End people always come in late. We know that every joy at length may pall — The nightingale, with her entrancing quill, May cease to please, and our orchestral stall Not every evening would we care to fill ; But if she has a cloak of eau-de-nil, Or other garment, chic and up to date, Its wearer feels a joy no care can kill When thus enrobed she calmly comes in late. 57 Ballades and Rondeaus. envoi : Princess who dwell'st in cultured Dowanhill, Of whom my worship never can abate, Tell me, I pray thee, out of thy good will, Is this why West-End maidens come in late ? as Ballades and Rondeaus. BALLADE OF SPRING. The winter is over and gone, At least we may hope this is true ; There's a freshness come over the lawn, Though the daisies as yet are but few ; In the morning we see that the dew Is spread where the hoar-frost once lay, And the sky has a sunnier blue, And spring poets are singing to-day. From the papers we turn with a yawn ; There is nothing which one can call new, And but little worth dwelling upon In the latest political view Of the crass Parliamentary crew ; It's a great deal more pleasant to stray With the bards of the magazines, who, As spring poets, are singing to-day, And they sing the delight of the dawn, And the visions that rise to the view Of him who can cunningly con The fair face of Nature ; they strew Their poetical pearls, and renew Their rhapsodical rollicking lay, For, however the critics pooh-pooh, Our spring poets are singing to-day. 59 Ballades and Rondeaus. ENVOI. O Spring Cleaning ! too soon now will you Arrive ; 'tis the " promise of May," And our half-yearly rents soon fall due, For spring poets are sinking to-day. 60 lull lades and Rondeaus. BALLADE OF MIDSUMMER. The heat-wave sweeps along the street, While ceaselessly, with blinding ray, The sun's fierce glances, glaring, beat On all who pass along the way — On men of toil, and those who stray To chase some dearly-bought delight; For some must work while many play — O for the cool breath of the night ! for some grassy-banked retreat ! Or links that skirt a sunny bay, Where the loud ocean-breezes fleet Far landwards, fraught with salty spray; Where, as the day's gold dies to grey, The west is all so rosy bright, We scarce can mark the light's decay, Or feel the cool breath of the night. 1 hear the tread of weary feet Grow less with shortening of the day; But still my task is incomplete, Tied to my desk I still must stay, Though half the town has sped away — While, swifter than the swallow's flight, My thoughts fly Herwards, and I pray, " O for the cool breath of the night!" 01 Ballades and Rondeaus. ENVOI. Lady! perchance the dull hours may Speed faster, if thou ask aright; Wilt thou not join with me, and say, " O for the cool breath of the night f 62 Ballades and Rondeaus. BALLADE OF THE WEATHER. One day we have rain, sleet, and hail, And the next day a midsummer glow Of warmth, or an easterly gale When the zephyrs of Spring ought to blow, For the clerks of the Weather Bureau Seem all to have gone out on strike, And we cry from the depths of our woe, " Oh what will to-morrow be like 1 " And faces look haggard and pale That we've missed for the last week or so ; All around us uprises the wail Of those who are tied by the toe, For La Grippe's not inclined to let go, It departs not like " snaw ah a dyke," And it finds in this weather no foe — Oh what will to-morroiu be like ? If statistics could ever avail, We could give them off, row upon row; But the subject's so trite and so stale, It is really not worth while to show What the winters were like long ago, While the wind whistles shrill as a shrike, And my voice is as hoarse as a crow, Oh what will to-morrow be like ? 63 Ballades and Rondeaus. envoi : O meteorologists, though We don't gulp your reports like a pike, We are really most anxious to know What the summer is going to be like. G4 Ballades and Rondeaus. BALLADE OF FOREIGN TRAVEL. (After H. C. Bunner). We who inhabit benorth the Tweed, Continent-trotters from Rome to Ghent, Ask that home-keepers should all take heed — We are the folk who o?i holiday went. Change was the object on which we were bent, Smallest of change have we brought away, Think we with groans on the sum we have spent, This is the end of our holiday. We have not left us the price of a weed, The cabman- has taken our last red cent, Think of the waiters whom we have feed — We are the folk who on holiday went. The Johnsons, I know, spent their time in Kent, The Jones's, I hear, were at Blank-on-Spey, They're happy, and— I am a "travelled gent," This is the gain of my holiday. We must cut down expenses, and that with speed, And entertain to a less extent; On this point at least we are all agreed, We who too reckless on holiday went. We may move to a house of a smaller rent, We must spend next year at Retrenchment Bay, With saddest reflections the past is blent, This is the end of our holiday. G5 Ballades and Rondeaus. ENVOI. Citizens ! list to our sore lament, Waste not your substance in vain display, We are the folk who on holiday went — This is the end of our holiday. t,i; Ballades and Rondeaus. TWO RONDEAUS.