HAPPY 
 HAWKINS 
 
 ROBERT ALEXANDER WASON 
 
HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 BY 
 
 ROBERT ALEXANDER WASON 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY 
 
 HOWARD GILES 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
COPYRIGHT, 1909 
 B Small, /iBa^narD & Company 
 
 (IKCOBPOBATBD) 
 Entered at Stationers Hall 
 
 Published Aug. a 8, 1909 
 Three printings before publication 
 Fourth printing, December, 1909 
 Fifth printing, April, 1910 
 Sixth printing, October, 1910 
 
 THK UNIVERSITY PRESS, CAMBRIDGE, U.S.A. 
 
TO 
 
 MY OLD PAL 
 
 M532976 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 I THE DIAMOND DOT i 
 
 II CONVINCING A COOK 14 
 
 III UNDER FIRE 32 
 
 IV PROFESSIONAL DUTY 44 
 
 V JUST MONODY A MAN 56 
 
 VI THE RACE 60 
 
 VII MENTAL TREATMENT FOR A BROKEN LEG ... 74 
 
 VIII THE LETTER 83 
 
 IX ADRIFT AGAIN 96 
 
 X A WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 103 
 
 XI DRESS REFORM AT THE DIAMOND DOT . . . . 121 
 
 XII THE LASSOO DUEL 139 
 
 XIII BUSINESS is BUSINESS 154 
 
 XIV THE CHINESE QUESTION 172 
 
 XV THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 191 
 
 XVI THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMAN 200 
 
 XVII IN RETIREMENT 207 
 
 XVIII CUPID 222 
 
 XIX BARBIE MAKES A DISCOVERY 237 
 
 XX RICHARD WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 243 
 
 XXI HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 252 
 
viii CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 XXII A FRIENDLY GAME 260 
 
 XXIII CAST STEEL 269 
 
 XXIV FEMININE LOGIC 277 
 
 XXV THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 288 
 
 XXVI A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 298 
 
 XXVII THE CREOLE BELLE. 314 
 
 XXVIII THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 327 
 
 XXIX THE FINAL RECKONING 342 
 
 XXX THE AFTERGLOW 348 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 " I Ml give you just ten to state your intentions " . Frontispiece 
 
 " Would you need any more help ? " I asked, most respectful 14 
 
 " Monody you beast !" he yelled 42 
 
 Monody 54 
 
 I knew I could beat her this time 68 
 
 Barbie 136 
 
 Happy 164 
 
 We all avalanched into the cellar 188 
 
 " Me good man, are you a type of this community?" . . 212 
 
 Cupid 222 
 
 " Better put up your gun, Frenchy, er you 11 git this office 
 
 all mussed up" 224 
 
 " Pullin on a rope was his idee o 1 draw poker " . . . . 230 
 " Oh, take that horrid bulldog away ! " she squealed . . 232 
 Bill and the girl had come to a pretty harmonious agree 
 ment 236 
 
 Why Dad, what s the matter " 268 
 
 Cast Steel Judson 274 
 
HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 CHAPTER ONE 
 
 THE DIAMOND DOT 
 
 I WAS N T really a Westerner an that s why I m so dif 
 ferent from most of em. Take your regular bonie fide 
 Westerner an when he dies he don t turn to dust, he turns 
 to alkali ; but when it comes my turn to settle, I 11 jest 
 natchely become the good rich soil o the Indiana cornbelt. 
 
 I was born in Indiana and I never left it till after I was 
 ten years old. That s about the time boys generally start 
 out to hunt Injuns ; but I kept on goin till I found mine 
 but I did n t kill him nor him me neither, as far as that 
 goes. 
 
 I allus did have the misfortune o gettin hungry at 
 the most inconvenient times, an after I d been gone about 
 two weeks I got quite powerful hungry, so I natchely got 
 a job waitin on a lunch counter back in Omaha. The 
 third day I was there I was all alone in the front room when 
 in walked an Injun. He was about eight feet high, I reckon ; 
 and the fiercest Injun I ever see. I took one look at him 
 an then I dropped behind the counter and wiggled back 
 to the kitchen where the boss was. I gasped out that the 
 Injuns was upon us an then I flew for my firearms. 
 
 When the boss discovered that the Injun and fourteen 
 doughnuts, almost new, had vanished, he was some put out, 
 and after we had discussed the matter, I acted on his advice 
 
2 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 and came farther West. That business experience lasted 
 me a good long while. I don t like business an I don t 
 blame any one who has to follow it for a livin for wantin 
 to have a vacation so he can get out where the air is fit 
 to breathe. 
 
 Just imagine bein hived up day after day with nothin to 
 see but walls an nothin to do but customers. You first got 
 to be friendly with your visitors to make em feel at home, 
 an then you got to get as much of their money as you can 
 in order to keep on bein friendly with em in order to keep 
 on gettin as much of their money as you can. 
 
 Now out in the open a feller don t have to be a hypocrite : 
 once I worked a whole year for a man who hated me so he 
 would n t speak to me ; but I did n t care, I liked the work 
 and I did it an he raised my wages twice an gave me a 
 pony when I quit. 
 
 He was the sourest tempered man I ever see ; but it was 
 good trainin to live with him a spell. Lots of men has 
 streaks of bein unbearable ; but this man was the only one 
 I ever met up with who was solid that way, and didn t 
 have one single streak of bein likeable. He was the only 
 man I ever see who would n t talk to me. I was a noticing 
 sort of a kid an I saw mighty early that what wins the 
 hearts o ninety-nine men out of a hundred is listenin to 
 em talk. That s why I don t talk much myself. But you 
 could n t listen to old Spike Williams, cause the was n t no 
 opportunity he did n t even cuss. 
 
 We was snowed up for two weeks one time an I took 
 a vow at I d make him talk. I tried every subject I d 
 ever heard of ; but he did n t even grunt. Just when things- 
 was clearin off, I sez to him, usin my biggest trump: 
 " Spike," sez I, " do you know what they say about you? " 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT 3 
 
 " No," sez he, " but you know what I say about them," an 
 he went on with his packin . 
 
 J thought for a while at the year I d spent with Spike 
 Williams was a total loss ; but jest the contrary. It had kept 
 me studyin an schemin an analysin until, after that year 
 had been stored away to season, I discovered it was the best 
 year I d ever put in, an while I had n t got overly well ac 
 quainted with Spike, I had become mighty friendly with 
 myself and was surprised to find out how much the was 
 to me. 
 
 Did you ever think of that? You start out an a feller 
 comes along an throws an opinion around your off fore 
 foot an you go down in a heap an that opinion holds you 
 fast for some time. When you start on again another 
 feller ropes you with a new opinion, an the first thing you 
 know you are all cluttered up an loaded down with other 
 fellers opinions, an the ain t enough o your own self left 
 to tell what you re like ; but after that winter with Spike 
 I was pretty well able to dodge an opinion until I had time 
 to learn what it meant. 
 
 But the main good I got out of Spike was learn in how 
 to take old Cast Steel Judson. It was some years after 
 this before I met up with him ; but the good effect had n t 
 worn off and me an Cast Steel just merged together like 
 butter an a hot penny. I was n t much more an a kid even 
 then, but law! I wish I knew just half as much now as I 
 thought I did then. My self respect was certainly a bulky 
 article those days an I was n t in the habit of undervaluin 
 my own judgment not to any great extent ; but that 
 habit o study I d formed with Spike was my balance wheel, 
 an I generally managed to keep my conceit from shuttin* 
 out the entire landscape. 
 
4 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 The was n t a great deal escaped my eye, cause I begun 
 to notice purty tol able young that experience is consid able 
 like a bank account : takes a heap o sweat to get her started, 
 but she s comfortable to draw on in a pinch. 
 
 Ol man Judson was a curious affair, had his own way o 
 doin every blessed thing, an whenever he hired a man he 
 always went through the same rigamarole. " Now what I m 
 contractin for," he d say, " is just only your time an what 
 ever part o your thinkin apparatus as is needed in doin 
 your share o my business. If I detail you to sit in the shade 
 an count clouds, I don t want no argument, I want the clouds 
 counted. When I don t specially express a hungerin for any 
 of your advice, that s the very time when you don t need 
 to give any. Whenever you think you have a kick comin 
 why think again. Then if you still see the kick, make it 
 to the foreman. If that don t work make it to me; but 
 when you make it to me, you want to be mighty sure it will 
 hold water. Above all things I hate a liar, a coward, an a 
 sneak. Now get busy cause life is short an time is fleetin ." 
 
 That was the way he used to talk, an some used to set him 
 down as a tyrant, an some had him guessed in as a rough 
 old codger with a soft heart, everybody took a guess at 
 him, but the blood in the turnip was that ol Jabez Judson 
 was purty tol able sizey when you came to fence him in. 
 Everybody called him Cast Steel Judson, an you might work 
 through the langwidge five times without adding much to 
 the description. Hard he was an stern an no bend to him ; 
 but at the same time you could count on him acting up to 
 his nature. He wa n t no hypocrite, an th s a heap o com 
 fort jest in that. A feller ain t got no kick comin when a 
 rattler lands on him ; but if a wood dove was to poison him, 
 he d have a fair right to be put out. 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT 5 
 
 The only child at Cast Steel had was one daughter; but 
 that don t indicate that paternity was one long vacation for 
 Jabez. Barbie her full name was Barbara was the 
 sweetest an the gamest an the most surpriseable creature 
 a human being ever met up with, an ol Jabez could a got 
 along handier with seven sons than he did with that one 
 girl. Oh, the eyes of her were like the two stars over old 
 Savage, snappin an twinklin an sparklin in the clear winter 
 nights, or soft an shy an tender when the hazy spring moon 
 cuddles up to them. She was n t afraid of anything at walks 
 the face o the earth, an Jabez had a hard time gettin used to 
 this cause he thought she ought to be afraid o him. 
 
 Still, he fair worshiped her, an if he d been given full 
 charge o the earth for jest one day, an anything would 
 a pestered the girl durin that day, why the map-maker 
 would sure have had a job on the day follerin ; cause from 
 his standpoint, that girl was what the sun shone for an 
 the rain rained for an the blossoms blossomed for. 
 
 We was allus havin a lot o Easterners string along during 
 the summer, an they generally was easy to entice into makin 
 a little visit with us. Some of em would spend their time 
 crackin stones an makin up tales about their bein speci- 
 ments o the Zelooic age or the Palazoric age or some such 
 a fool thing. They was mostly heathens, an it did n t do no 
 good to spring the Bible on em in fact after we got able 
 to read their signs we never contraried em at all, but just let 
 em heave out any tale they could think up an pretend at we 
 believed it; an hanged if I don t begin to suspicion that 
 the s a heap o truth in some o their nonsense. 
 
 Purty near every one of em insisted that at one time all 
 those mountains, even old Savage, had been under water, 
 an they d take us out an show us the signs ; but we 
 
6 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 could n t stomach that until we found out that this was one 
 o the Injun traditions too, an then we give in. 
 
 Well, one o these strays was what they call an astronomer. 
 His speciality was the stars, nothing less; an he knew em 
 by name an could tell you how far off they are an what they 
 weigh an how many moons they had an oh, he knew 
 em the same as I know the home herd, an he did n t only 
 know what they had done he knew what they was a-goin 
 to do, an when he called the turn on em, why they up an 
 done it. Comets an eclipses an sech like miracles were jest 
 the same to this feller as winter an summer was to me, an 
 we fed him until he like to founder himself, tryin to hold 
 him through the winter; but at last he had to go, an after 
 he d gone Cast Steel was purty down-hearted for quite a 
 spell. 
 
 " It ain t fair, Happy," sez he to me one day after the 
 astronomer had gone. 
 
 " No," sez I, " I reckon it will rain before mornin ." 
 
 " I mean it ain t a fair shake," sez he. " Jupiter has eight 
 of em an 7 we ain t but one an the ain t nobody lives there, 
 while " 
 
 " What do you happen to be talkin of ? " sez I. 
 
 " Why moons," sez he. " It seems too doggone bad for 
 that confounded planet to have eight moons an no one to 
 enjoy em while my little girl jest dotes on em an we only 
 have one an it don t work more n half the time." 
 
 That was Cast Steel: he didn t look on life or death, or 
 wealth or poverty, or anything else except in the way it 
 applied to Barbie but she was worth it, she was worth 
 it, an I never blamed him none. 
 
 But you need n t get the idea that Jabez was one o these 
 fond an lovin parents what sez : " My child, right if per- 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT 7 
 
 fectly convenient, but right or wrong, my child." Not on 
 your future prospects ! Jabez, he sez : " My child, right 
 from the shoes up, if the Rocky Mountains has to be ground 
 to powder to make her so." 
 
 I remember the day she was six year old; he hardly 
 ever laid out the details for her conduct, he jest sort o 
 schemed out a general plan and left her free to adjust herself 
 to it, like a feller does with a dog or a pony he expects to 
 keep a long time an don t want to turn into a machine. He 
 had told Barbie he did n t want her to ride nothin at was n t 
 safe. Well, on the mornin she became a six-year-old he 
 came out o the side door an saw her disappearin in the 
 distance on top a big pinto at he had sent over for Buck 
 Harmon to bust; it havin already pitched Spider Kelley 
 an dislocated his shoulder. 
 
 " Who roped that pony for her?" yelled Cast Steel. 
 
 " I did," sez I. " She said at this was her birthday an* 
 she was tired of actin like a kid an intended to ride a 
 real ridin hoss." 
 
 " If a hair of her head is injured, hell won t hide ya! " 
 sez Cast Steel, an his lip trembled an his eyes fairly smoked. 
 
 " She s jest as safe as if she was in her bed," sez I, as 
 gentle as I could. " I taught her how to ride, an I ain t 
 ashamed o the job. She can give Spider Kelley cards an 
 spades an beat him to it every time. But as far as that 
 goes " 
 
 I did n t get to finish because here she come, tearin back 
 on the pinto. Her hair was flyin , her eyes was dancin , an* 
 she was laughin laughin out loud. Light an easy she 
 pulled the pinto up beside us an calls out : " Oh, daddy, this 
 is lovely, this is mag-ni-fi-cent " the little scamp used 
 to pick up big words from the Easterners, an when she had 
 
8 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 one to fit she never wasted time on a measly little ranch 
 word " oh, I m never goin to ride old Kate again." 
 
 " Git off that pony," sez Jabez, makin a reach for the 
 bit; but the pony shied, whirled, an purty nigh kicked his 
 head off. He stood still in a daze while Barbie was circ 
 ling the pony an gettin him quiet again. 
 
 " How s she goin to get off ? " asked Jabez, turnin to me. 
 
 " Simply climb down," sez I purty short. I had some 
 temper those days, an I had n t got over his insinuations, ?.n 
 I did n t intend to. 
 
 " She 11 be killed ! " sez Jabez. I never said a word. 
 
 " She 11 be killed ! " he repeated, an his voice was filled 
 with anguish. 
 
 " Get down off the pony, Barbie," sez I, an she threw 
 her little leg over the saddle an hit the grass like an ante 
 lope. The pony never stirred. OF Jabez stood watchin 
 her with his eyes poppin out. " Turn the brute loose ! ** 
 he shouts. " What for? " sez she. " Cause I say so! " he 
 fairly roars. 
 
 Well, she walks up, pats the pinto on the nose, an slips the 
 bridle off his head. He just stands still an watches her as 
 mild as a pint o cream. 
 
 " Rope that pony," sez Cast Steel to me. 
 
 " Get one o your own men to rope it," sez I. 
 
 He looked into my eyes a moment an then he called 
 to George Hendricks to rope the pinto; but when George 
 hove in sight with his rope the pinto took to his heels an 
 made for the horizon. " There goes a ninety-dollar saddle," 
 sez Jabez to me, " an it s all your damned nonsense." 
 
 " It ain t either," sez Barbie, as fierce as a wounded 
 bear, " it s all your damned nonsense. Happy has been 
 train in that pony nights for my birthday an " 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT g 
 
 " Barbara ! " yells Jabez, " what do you mean by usin such 
 langwidge ? I 11 line you out for this. You know mighty 
 well " 
 
 " Now you play accordin to the rule," sez Barbie. " You 
 was teachin me to play seven up last week an you said 
 that everybody had to play by the same rule. I reckon 
 that goes in cussin too." 
 
 Well, they looked into each other s eyes for quite some 
 while, an then Jabez sez : " Go into the house, Barbara, an 
 we 11 both think it over, an as soon as we get time we 11 
 settle it." 
 
 " All right," sez Barbie, an she turns around an marches 
 to the house, her little head held like a colonel s. Just 
 before she reached the house she turned an calls : " You 11 
 get the pinto for me, won t you, Happy?" I sort o half 
 nodded my head, an she went on into the house. 
 
 "Did you ever see such grit?" sez Cast Steel, "an her 
 only six. Kids oughtn t to act so grown up at six, had 
 they, Happy?" 
 
 " I reckon at kids are pretty much like colts an puppies 
 an other young things: give em dolls to play with an 
 they ll play like children, but start em out on cards an 
 ponies, an range em off with nothin but grown folks, an 
 they re bound to have ways like grown folks ." 
 
 Jabez fidgeted around a while, an then he sez, "Are 
 you goin to try to catch the pinto?" 
 
 " I am goin to catch it," sez I, rollin a cigarette. 
 
 He kind o nervoused around a few minutes longer an 
 then he sez, "What did you mean a while ago?" 
 
 "Jest whatever I said," sez I. "I don t know what 
 you re a-referrin to, but if I said it, that s what I 
 meant." 
 
10 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " When I asked you to rope the pinto you told me to git 
 one o my own men to rope it ; what does that mean ? " 
 
 " It means that when a man tells me that hell can t hide 
 me from his wrath, I m free to consider myself foot loose. 
 A man don t want to slaughter none of his own hands, an 
 if it should be that any one feels called upon to go after 
 my hide, I don t want to feel that the time I m wastin in 
 takin care o that hide rightfully belongs to another man 
 who is payin for it. Therefore I have quit. I m goin 
 to rope the pinto for Barbie, but I would n t do it for you, 
 an when I get back I 11 call around for what s comin to 
 me." 
 
 " Well, go an be hanged ! You always was the most 
 obstinate, high-headed, bull-intellected thin-skin at ever 
 drew down top wages fer punchin cows. You re nothin 
 more than a kid, an yet you swell around an expect a 
 man " 
 
 " W r ell, I don t expect nothin from you, ceptin my wages," 
 sez I 
 
 " You go to Jericho, will you ! " snaps Jabez. " You don t 
 need to think that I d try to argue any man on earth into 
 workin for me. I can get an army o riders as good or 
 better than you but the gel likes you, Happy, an " 
 
 " An that s why I m goin after the pinto," sez I, an I 
 flopped onto a pony an sailed out to a little glen in the 
 foothills where I knew I M find him, an as soon as I had 
 towed him back to the corral I put my saddle on the old 
 beast I had rode there an set off. 
 
 Just as I rode around the edge o the corral, ol man 
 Judson stood there grittin his teeth. " What are you ridin* 
 that old skin for ? " sez he. 
 
 " Cause it s the only pony I got," sez I. 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT 11 
 
 " You leave it here an take your pick out o the five- 
 year-olds," sez he. 
 
 " All I want out o this ranch is what I have earned," 
 sez I. 
 
 " If you don t get something at your pride 11 earn some 
 day, I m the biggest fool this side o the big ditch. Here s 
 your pay. You ve been a fair hand, but don t forget that 
 I never hire a man twice, an I ve hired you once already." 
 
 " Now look here, Jabez," sez I, " I ain t so old as I 11 
 get if I live as long as I may, but I m old enough to know 
 that it s just as easy to find a good boss as it is to find a 
 good man. I ve done my work without fussin , an you ve 
 seen me in a pinch or two; an yet this very mornin you 
 intimated that I d risk Barbie on a pony she could n t ride. 
 The ain t nothin I would n t do for that child, but you 
 don t understand her, an if you go on in your high-handed 
 way with her you re in for the sorrow o your life mark 
 my words." 
 
 " Here s your money. You ain t got sense enough to 
 know your place an I m glad to be shut of you." Jabez 
 handed me my pay an stamped over to the ranch house, 
 while I kept on down the valley trail. 
 
 When I reached the turn I twisted about in my saddle 
 an looked at the cluster o buildings. They looked soft an* 
 gray with old Mount Savage standin on guard back of em, 
 an the was a bigger lump under my necktie than I gener 
 ally wore. I did n t have much call to go anywhere, an I 
 sat there on my old pony, wonderin whether or not it paid to 
 be game. 
 
 If my mother had been alive, jest at that point would 
 have been where the West would have lost the benefit of my 
 personal supervision but then if my mother had lived I 
 
12 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 should n t never a left home. I stood a stepmother six 
 months out o respect to my Dad, but I would n t a stood 
 that one a year well, anyway, not unless I d been chained 
 an muzzled. 
 
 It s a funny thing to me how a man can drink an fight 
 an carry on for a year at a clip an then all of a sudden 
 feel a hurtin somewhere inside that nothin would n t 
 help but a little pettin . He knows doggone well at there 
 ain t none comin to him, so he hides it by cuttin up a little 
 worse than usual but it s there, an Gee ! but it does rest 
 heavy when it comes. Why, take me even now when the 
 would n t nothin but a grizzly bear have the nerve to coddle 
 me, an yet week before last I felt so blue an solitary at I 
 could n t a told to save me whether I was homesick or 
 whether it was only cause the beans was a little sour. 
 
 I sat there on the old pony a good long time, an then I 
 heaved a sigh at made me swell out like an accordion, an* 
 headed back to the valley trail. When I turned around, 
 there, standin in the trail before me with a streak down 
 each cheek, stood Barbie. 
 
 " Ya ain t goin , are ya ? " sez she. 
 
 " I got to go, honey," sez I. 
 
 "Ain t ya never comin back?" asked she. 
 
 " Oh, I 11 come back some day, ridin a big black hoss 
 with silver trimmed leather an what shall I bring little 
 Barbie?" sez I, tryin to be gay. 
 
 " Just bring me yourself, Happy, that s all the present I 
 want. I love you because you re the handsomest man in 
 the world " yes, it was me she meant, only o course that 
 was some years ago an the child was unthinkable young 
 " an cause you tell me the nicest stories, an train pintos, 
 an an I m goin to marry you when I grow up." 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT 13 
 
 "Marry me, kitten?" sez I, laughin free an natural this 
 time. " Why, bless your heart, where did you ever hear o 
 marriage ? " 
 
 " My Daddy tells me of my mother, an what a beautiful 
 lady she was, an how happy they were together an I m 
 goin to marry you when you come back." 
 
 " Well, Barbie," sez I right soberly, " you be true to 
 me an I 11 be true to you, an now we 11 kiss to bind the 
 promise." 
 
 So I lifted her to my saddle an kissed her. " How did you 
 get here, child?" sez I. 
 
 She did n t answer for a minute. " I rode old Kate," 
 said she at last, " but I did n t want you to know it. She s 
 over behind that rock. And now, Happy, don t you dare 
 to forget me. Good-bye." 
 
 I set her down in the road with her eyes misty an her 
 white teeth set in her lips, an my own eyes were so hazy 
 like that I could n t see her when I looked back, an then I 
 rode away down the valley trail. 
 

 CHAPTER TWO 
 
 CONVINCING A COOK 
 
 I M as wild as any comet when I first swing out o my 
 regular orbit, an I rode on an on, sometimes puttin up 
 for the night at a ranch house an sometimes campin out in 
 the open, where I d lay till dawn gazin up at the stars an 
 wonderin how things were goin , back at the Diamond Dot. 
 I mooned on until at last I wound up in the Pan Handle 
 without a red copper, an my pony sore footed an lookin 
 like what a crow gets when the coyotes invite him out to 
 dinner. 
 
 I drew rein one night along side a most allurin camp 
 fire. I had noticed the herd when I came along in, an 
 they was dandies ; big solid five-year-olds, hog fat, but they 
 was n t contented kept fidgetin around. When I struck 
 the fire, a fair haired young feller was readin a book, two 
 Greasers an a half blood Injun was playin poker with an 
 old bunch o whiskers at wasn t a ridin man at all while 
 the cook had turned in without washin the dishes. 
 
 "If anybody s at home," sez I, " I d like to ask permis 
 sion to set down an rest." 
 
 " Why, certainly, make yourself at home," sez the fair- 
 hair. The balance o the bunch only give me the side eye. 
 
 " Would you need any more help ? " I asked, most respect 
 ful. 
 
 " No, thank you," sez the young feller, " I think we 11 
 make it all right." 
 
 " You have a nice bunch here," sez I, " an I thought 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 15 
 
 perhaps you might want to get em to market in good shape. 
 I am referrin to the cows" I continued, kind o takin 
 the cover off my voice. 
 
 " We expect to get them to market in good shape," sez 
 the fair-hair, uncoilin his dignity. I rolled a cigarette. 
 
 " What makes you think we won t get them to market in 
 good shape ? " sez he. 
 
 " Cause your cook s got a sour temper, an the ain t no 
 one bossin the job at knows how," sez I, mild an open- 
 faced, an lookin into the fire. The fair-hair straightens up 
 with a snort, while the pot-openers begin to cuss sort o 
 growly. 
 
 " Where are you from an how long have you been making 
 my business your own ? " asked the fair-hair. 
 
 " Oh, I come from up no th a ways ; but I ain t ever made 
 your business mine. I never saw your outfit until twenty 
 minutes ago but I ve seen other outfits." 
 
 "Can you. handle cattle?" sez he. 
 
 " Yes," sez I " and men." 
 
 " Well, I think you can join us," sez he, kind o slow. 
 " The cattle don t seem to be as gentle as they did when we 
 started. I think it is because we are short handed and have 
 to be a little too rough with them." I did n t answer. 
 
 " Well, do you want the job? " sez he. 
 
 " Who s the foreman? " sez I. 
 
 " I am in charge," he answers stiff like. 
 
 " You re the owner, I know, but who s in charge o the 
 men?" 
 
 " I take full supervision," sez he. 
 
 " I don t want the job," sez I. 
 
 "All right," he snaps, "I don t recall havin sent for 
 you." 
 
16 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " No offense," sez I, " but up my way it s generally 
 polite to inquire about the appetite. If any one was to ask 
 me, I d say I was hungry. If any one was to urge me, 
 I M be obliged to meet up with a little food." I looked him 
 gently in the eyes. He dropped his an looked put out. 
 
 " Tell you the truth, I m havin a dog s time of it with 
 my cook. He s gone to bed an I don t think there s a 
 thing to eat." 
 
 "What 11 the night riders do?" I asked. 
 
 " Oh, they 11 raise Cain as usual, but that s all the good 
 it 11 do em." 
 
 " That ain t all they 11 do," sez I. " Chances are they 11 
 take it out on the cattle, an they may they may even 
 go so far as to get the cattle to cut up until the day shift has 
 to turn out an help quiet em." 
 
 " Is that the reason ? " he asked, his face lightin up. 
 
 " I don t know for sure, but that s my first guess," sez I. 
 
 He looked down at his feet an I looked him over. He 
 was a nice lookin , well built boy, but he was up against 
 it for about the first time, an I saw his finish. " I would 
 take the job o foreman," I sez. 
 
 " I hire you ten a month advance over regular wages, 
 an you to begin to-morrow." 
 
 " No," sez I, " me to begin to-night with supper." 
 
 " All right," sez he, laughin , " help yourself." 
 
 I walked over to the cook wagon ; as I hit the shadow I 
 loosened my guns, an the very minute they slipped in their 
 holsters my lone-sickness rolled off like a cloud an the 
 hurtin melted out o my inwards. They was somethin 
 rolled up in a Navajo under the cook wagon an I sized it 
 up. It appeared to be seven feet long, but I kicked it in the 
 ribs. Things began to happen at once. A huge creature of 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 17 
 
 a man slid out on the opposite side of the cook wagon, an 
 when he came around the tail of it he was holdin a bear 
 gun so it would explode without much ceremony. He was 
 usin some language an his speed was a thing to covet ; 
 but I just stood with my back to the fire, waitin until I 
 could get a chance to introduce myself. He was in the light, 
 an he was enough to make a man reform. Nigger, Greaser, 
 Injun oh, he was the hardest lookin specimen I had ever 
 seen, an the think that occurred to me was that some time 
 a woman had rocked him to sleep an kissed him. That s 
 the queer thing about me. My face don t change, but I 
 never got into a mess in my life without some outlandish, 
 foreign idea poppin into my head an tryin to hog my atten 
 tion. 
 
 My attention was n t much required just at that moment 
 anyhow. He held the bear gun loose in his hand an swore 
 on like the roar of a mountain torrent. Once I glanced 
 over my shoulder an saw a pained look on the fair-hair s 
 face, while the ante-up bunch was grinning wickedly an 
 waitin for my finish. Me lookin younger an easier at that 
 time than I really was, proved a big thing in my favor. 
 Well, as soon as the mongrel cook had cussed himself clean 
 an dry, he yells at me, " Who in the hell are you an what 
 in the hell do you want?" 
 
 " I m the new foreman," sez I in a school-girl voice, " an* 
 I want my supper." 
 
 He was n t prepared for it an* dropped his gun to his 
 side while he began to narrate false an profane eulogies 
 about my breedin an past history. He took a few steps 
 toward me so as I would n t lose none of his remarks, an 
 all of a sudden I swung half around an kicked him in the 
 jaw with my heel, which was a trick I had learned from a 
 
i8 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 French sailor. It took me forty-five minutes to come to, 
 after I received my first an only lesson, an I wasted a 
 full year huntin for that sailor. Any time durin the first 
 six months I d have ventilated him completely, but after 
 that I wanted to thank him, cause I had learned an tried the 
 trick by that time, an it was worth all it cost. 
 
 But this cook was no wax rigger, an he only lay quiet a 
 moment before he began to roll around an groan. I picked 
 up a neck yoke what was handy, an I went for him. I hit 
 him in the butt o the ear an on the back o the neck an* 
 in the center o the forehead I tried him out in all the most 
 stylish places, until finally he dozed off. 
 
 " Bring me a lantern you man with the whiskers," I 
 called out. 
 
 He riz to his feet like a machine. " It ain t filled," he 
 said. 
 
 " I don t know much about fillin lanterns" I remarked 
 to him kindly, " but I have had some experience in fillin 
 other things. Bring me the lantern, filled an lighted and 
 don t keep me waitin ." 
 
 I then noticed two fellers a hoss back. " Do you belong 
 to this outfit ? " sez I. 
 
 " Yes, we re the night riders," answered one o em 
 stickin up his hands, which plan seemed good to the other 
 one also. 
 
 " What are you doin here this time o the evenin ? " I 
 asked em. 
 
 " We heard the racket an we we thought something was 
 wrong, an we we came in to see " 
 
 " That s all right," sez I, " I m the new foreman. You 
 don t need to put your hands up every time we meet, but 
 I want you to understand right now that I don t want those 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 19 
 
 cows pestered any more. This outfit is going to run smoother 
 from this on, an as soon as the cook feels better he is going 
 to cook my supper. I 11 see that there is plenty o coffee 
 for your midnight lunch, an I want you to enjoy yourselves 
 but I don t stand for no nonsense." 
 
 I made a motion with my eye an they rode back to the 
 herd, an by that time the lantern had arrived, an I poked 
 around in the cook s belongings an confiscated two shootin 
 irons an a wicked Mexican knife. Then I threw a bucket 
 o water in his face an he came out of it. 
 
 " How do you feel ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Oh, hell," he moaned, an he meant every word of it, 
 an* more. 
 
 " Now see here, cook," sez I, in a mild voice, " I hate 
 trouble, an I don t intend to be pestered with it. Do you 
 know how to cook ? " 
 
 " Yes," he muttered. 
 
 " Speak out free an easy," I sez ; " no blood at all is better 
 than bad blood, an if you don t feel able to forgive me an 
 go about your work in a friendly way, why I 11 feel com 
 pelled to remove you from our midst. You re not injured 
 none, only bruised a bit, and I m famished for my supper. 
 I m always quick tempered when I m hungry an I m gettin 
 hungrier every minute. Are you ready to begin ? " 
 
 He slowly got up to his feet an looked at me. " Come 
 over to the fire an have a good look," I said, as though we 
 were old friends. 
 
 He followed me over to the fire an he sure gave me a look- 
 over. " You re bigger n I thought you was, an you Ve been 
 purty well seasoned. I ain t never yet been licked without 
 a gun an I did n t think it could be did. Will you fight 
 me again without weapons ? " 
 
20 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " 1 11 never fight you again but once," sez I, an my 
 lips were smiling, but all of a sudden a hatred of his cruel, 
 evil eyes came over me, an my lips curled back over my teeth. 
 "If you had known I was your foreman an had mixed 
 with me I d a killed you a few moments ago. The very 
 next time you cross me I 11 kill you. I sleep light when 
 I do sleep. Are you goin to cook my supper ? " 
 
 " Yes, you blasted rattler," sez he, with a grin, " you re 
 the killin kind an you re the killin age, but I know when 
 the jig s up. I know your name all right, but hanged if 
 I can see through your game. I ain t goin to try, either. As 
 long as you choose to play at bein foreman, I 11 play at 
 bein cook, an when you start on again, I m willin to join 
 ya. I 11 get your supper in a jiffey, Kid." 
 
 I sauntered over to the fair-hair, tryin to act as if this was 
 an every day occurrence. He had never changed his position 
 all through it, although his hands were tremblin . 
 
 I sat down beside him an he chuckled softly I liked that 
 chuckle. It was boyish an friendly, but most of all it 
 showed a good foundation. He was new to the game, but 
 he was the kind that learned. 
 
 " I suppose I m purt nigh as old as you," he blurted out. 
 
 " In some things, mebbe not in the cattle business," 
 sez I. 
 
 " No," he grinned, " nor in the man-handlin business, 
 but I want to tell you right now that I have enjoyed this 
 evenin s performance, no matter what happens from it. I 
 ain t carryin much cash with me," he added after a moment s 
 thought. 
 
 " I ain t carryin any," sez I. 
 
 He looked into my face again an gave his chuckle. A 
 feller couldn t help but echo when that fair-hair chuckled. 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 21 
 
 " I heard the cook say he knew you an he called you Kid 
 I suppose you are the Pan Handle Kid ? " he asked. 
 
 " I did n t know the 7 was a Pan Handle Kid, but they re 
 pretty common an they re all a good bit alike. Forced 
 to begin killin before they re able to put the right value 
 on life, an once they begin, no way to stop. Now I 11 tell 
 you confidential that I m not the Pan Handle, nor any other 
 kind of a kid, although I once was the makin of one. Still, 
 it will make matters easier if this bunch thinks I am, so 
 we 11 just let it go at that. My name is Happy Hawkins; 
 what might I call you ? " 
 
 " Happy ? " he opens his eyes like saucers an then he 
 laughs like a boy. " Well, I watched you goin after the 
 cook with the neck yoke an I never in the world would 
 have called you Happy." 
 
 " Well, you 11 see me trail in this bunch o beef cattle, 
 smooth an contented an with every man jack rollin fat an 
 dimpled to the knuckles. They ve had their last fuss. I 11 
 feed em an I 11 work em from now on, an you won t know 
 em when we hit the market. Where you headin for, K. 
 C?" 
 
 c< Yes. My name is Mister Jamison James Jamison." 
 
 " This is a warm climate," sez I. 
 
 " Yes," he sez sort o surprised, " it is." 
 
 " It has an awful meltin effect on names," I continued. 
 
 He chuckled again. " I m mighty glad you arrived, 
 Happy," sez he. " What do you suppose 11 happen to my 
 name?" 
 
 " Well," I sez, " if you get yours before they learn to 
 like you, it 11 probably be James Jamison on the headboard, 
 but if you make good, it 11 be Jim Jimison on Sundays an* 
 jest plain Jim for every day." 
 
22 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " That suits me," sez he. " I m entered for the whole 
 race, an I m glad to get off as soon as possible." 
 
 " Supper s ready," called the cook, an when I gave a 
 whoop an bolted for it he giggled like a big fat mammy. 
 I had turned up the side of his nature at would be most 
 useful to our business. I took a sip o the coffee while he 
 kept his eyes glued on me. " Come over here, Jim," I 
 called. 
 
 Jim came over lookin a little anxious. " Taste that stuff," 
 sez I. 
 
 He tasted it an his face changed as though he had caught 
 a vision of the better world, but I kept my face like the 
 face of an angry bear. "What do you call this stuff?" 
 I asked the cook, an his face grew dark as a thunder cloud. 
 
 " That s coffee ! " he roared. 
 
 " When was the pot cleaned ? " I asked, with my brows 
 drawn down to the bridge of my nose. 
 
 " Not more n ten minutes ago," he yelled ; and I got up 
 an holding my cup in my hand I danced about twenty dif 
 ferent dances, while that cook like to split his sides laughin . 
 He was a cook, the was no gettin around it, an Jim, he 
 turned in an fed his face while first his cheeks would dimple 
 with the gladness o the moment, an then his eyes would 
 sadden as he thought of all the good eatin he had missed 
 by not knowin the proper kind o diplomacy to use in 
 handlin a cook. An me! say, I mowed away until my 
 skin begun to creak under the strain an I could n t roll my 
 eyes more n two degrees. Then I got up an I shook hands 
 with the cook. 
 
 " Cook," I sez, " no matter how devilish wicked you Ve 
 been in the past, an no matter how faithful you live up 
 to your inner nature in the future, you re sure of a number 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 23 
 
 nine crown an a spotless robe jest fer this one meal"; an 
 the cook, he fairly glistened in the firelight. 
 
 Well, this was about all they was to that expedition. We 
 all got to be so friendly with one another that by the time 
 we had trailed that bunch into the stock yards, we was 
 like one big family of elder brothers, an Jim, he teased me 
 into goin back to the Pan Handle with him. 
 
 Jim was an Englishman a younger brother. Up to 
 that time I had allus supposed at bein a younger brother 
 was somewhat in the nature of an accident, an not a thing 
 to be hurled in a feller s teeth ; but over in England it s 
 looked upon as a heinius crime, an the only thing a younger 
 brother can do to square himself is to get out o sight. 
 That s how Jim happened to be in the Texas Pan Handle 
 with a tidy little fortune his aunt had left him, tucked away 
 in a good-sized, well-stocked ranch. 
 
 I took a good deal o pains with him, cause he didn t 
 have nothin but a book education, an it was n t altogether 
 easy to get him to see the true value o things. He used to 
 talk about Eton an Oxford purty solemn, until one night he 
 helped me mill the herd durih a Norther , an after that he 
 took more kindly to the vital things o life, but he was a man, 
 Jim was, an he kept raisin my wages right along until I 
 got that opulent feelin . I never could stand prosperity 
 those days; just as soon as I had a weight o money at I 
 could notice, I begun to grow restless, an nothin at Jim 
 could do or say had much effect. 
 
 If things hadn t run in oil, I d a-stayed right along, I 
 reckon ; but it got so at the was n t a hitch from week to 
 week, an I could n t stand it. I never had a better friend 
 in the world n that cook was after he d saved my life. 
 
 Jim had a kid sort o c.horin around the place an keepin 
 
24 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 us from gettin old an stupid. One nice bright winter s 
 day the kid went out for a ride; his pony came lopin in 
 just at sun down in the face of a blizzard, an I went out to 
 look for the kid. I found him trudgin toward home an 1 
 cussin his luck somethin terrible. I put him up behind me 
 an by that time the wind was shootin needles o sleet into 
 my face till I could n t see a yard ahead. The kid snuggled 
 up to me an went to sleep, an I gave the pony his head an 
 trusted to luck no, come to think about it, that night I 
 trusted to somethin higher than luck, cause it was a perfect 
 demon of a night. 
 
 The pony dropped from a lope to a walk an then he 
 put his nose to the ground an fairly shuffled along. I was 
 wearin sheepskin with the wool on, but after a time the 
 needles began to creep in an I grew numb as a stone, while 
 my flesh seemed shook loose from my bones, an it hurt me 
 to breathe. Oh, Lord, but it was cold ! If it had n t a been 
 for the kid I d have gotten down an walked alongside 
 the pony, but as it was, he was out o the wind an sleepin 
 peaceful, so I just sat an took it. 
 
 At last I sort o drowsed off myself. I did n t sleep, but 
 I was n t awake ; I seemed to be back at the Diamond Dot 
 an playin in a little sheltered dell with Barbie. She had 
 made up a game called Fairy Princess ; sometimes she was 
 the Fairy Princess an sometimes I was, an it was a mighty 
 amusin sort of a game, but different from most o the games 
 I was familiar with. 
 
 Well, that night out in the Texas blizzard I was playin 
 that game with little Barbie, an all of a sudden smash ! 
 Before I knowed what had happened we had been run 
 into an knocked down a ravine an both the kid an the pony 
 was lyin on top o me. The kid got up an begun to cuss as 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 25 
 
 usual, but the pony never moved. I d a heap sight rather 
 had the conditions reversed, cause the pony was on my 
 right leg an my right leg was on a sharp stone. 
 
 " Shut up, kid," sez I, " this ain t no time for such talk. 
 Here, you curl up alongside the pony an I 11 spread part 
 o my coat over you." 
 
 That kid was a home-maker all right; nothin ever sur 
 prised him, an wherever he lit he made himself comfortable. 
 In two minutes he was asleep, while I began to puzzle it 
 out. We were in a sheltered spot an the wind swept above 
 us ; but it was so dark that you could n t see ten inches. 
 The wind was from the no th, an I went over every bit 
 o landscape in the country until at last I figgered out the* 
 was only one place in Texas that filled the bill. A path swung 
 around a crag an the was a shelf of stone ten feet below it 
 an eight feet wide, then it cut off sheer, fifty feet to the 
 rocky bank of a creek. I reached out with my hand an* 
 felt the edge of it, an it give me an awful chill. I don t 
 like to come quite so close. 
 
 After a time the wind veered around a little more to 
 the east an then it sucked up through the cut an I began to 
 freeze. I did n t care a great deal cause it stopped the horrid 
 hurtin in my leg; but the dead pony began to cool, an I 
 knew it was only a question o minutes. Finally I awoke the 
 kid. " Where is your gun, kid ? " I sez. 
 
 " I shot all my catridges tryin to bring some one out on 
 a pony," sez the kid, drowsily, an then he dozes off again. 
 
 We were only a mile from the ranch house; it was 
 again the wind an it was n t much use to waste ammuni 
 tion, but I finally got out my gun an begun to shoot at 
 intervals. 
 
 " What the deuce you makin that racket for ? " grunted 
 
26 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 the kid at the third shot. I boxed his ears and went on 
 shootin until at last the cold went through sheepskin an 
 woolens an hide an flesh, an I grew warm an contented ; 
 an the next I knew, the cook was rubbin my wrists an 
 pourin hot coffee into me. I was purty mad at bein dragged 
 back to earth an grumbled about it free an hearty, but the 
 cook kept croonin to me the same as if I d been a baby: 
 " Neveh mind, honey, neveh mind ; ol Monody 11 bring ya 
 around all right. Take another sip o coffee, chile, that s 
 right, that s right." 
 
 It took me quite a spell before I could tell whether I was 
 alive or not, cause while the cook had changed a heap since 
 I d first met up with him, I d never heard any such talk 
 as this ; but after a time I came out of it an the anguish I 
 underwent gettin back to life was n t nowise worth the 
 experiment. 
 
 It had stopped blowin , but it was colder than ever, an 
 at last I began to take enough interest in things to want em 
 to get settled one way or another. As soon as I was able to 
 think along a straight line, the cook would give a heave 
 to the pony an I would give myself a jerk. The lantern 
 shed a splash o light on the shelf, but the jump-off looked 
 like the mouth o the pit, an I jerked purty tol able careful. 
 At last I was out, an if you 11 believe it, my leg was only 
 broke in two places. I thought it was broken clear off. I 
 could n t get back up the cliff to the trail any way we could 
 figger, so the cook said I should roll up in the Navajos he d 
 brought an he d take the kid an go back an bring a couple 
 o the boys an pack me in. 
 
 The kid had found the blankets all right an had rolled 
 himself up, an we had to shake the stuffin out of him to 
 rouse him again. He complained most bitter when he found 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 27 
 
 he had to go back to the ranch house; but at last they got 
 started an it was n t long before they had me there too, 
 an next day Phil McLaughlin rode over an brought out 
 a doctor who lined up my bones as good as new, while Jim 
 told me about the cook. 
 
 Old Monody was like a salamander for heat, an you 
 could n t drag him away from the fire in the winter time ; 
 but when I didn t return he began to worry: "If the was 
 a man left in this outfit I reckon he d go out an get him," 
 he d say scornful. "Riders! you call yourselves riders? 
 You re loafers an eaters, that s what you are ! I m a 
 cook, but if nobody else has the nerve to go an git him, I 11 
 go myself." 
 
 Jim started to go at last, but he would n t let him. " You 
 got the grit, Jim, but you ain t got the night sense yet. You 
 stay where you are or you d be on our hands too." Well, 
 he steamed up an down makin new hot coffee an drinkin 
 it by the bowl. All of a sudden he give a scream : " Oh, 
 oh ! there he goes over the cliff ! Get me a pony get me 
 a pony, while I wrap up some coffee an pick out some 
 blankets ! " Well, the cook was so blame wild by this time 
 at they was glad to get shut of him ; so they rigged him out 
 an he rode a bee line right to me, an what led him you can 
 figger out for yourselves. He was a queer cook, but after 
 that night he was different: he acted as though he had 
 adopted me; he petted me an spoiled me an you can 
 talk all you want to about the flesh-pots of Egypt why, 
 that cook could fix beans eleven different ways, an each one 
 better n the other. 
 
 But while I was lyin there waitin for my leg to knit up, 
 I kept thinkin o the little lass back at the Diamond Dot, an 
 when I got about again, I knew I was signed for a trip No th. 
 
28 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 The cook was mighty good to me while I was backin it; 
 he used to deal out fussy little fixin s at kept the appetite an 
 the fever both down, an when they was n t no one around 
 he used to pat out my pillers an oncet he smoothed back my 
 hair. He cut out his cussin too, an he used to line up the 
 kid for it. 
 
 " You re from the South, ain t ya, Happy ? " sez he to me 
 one day. 
 
 " Not so you could notice," sez I. " I reckon this is the 
 southest I ever got before." 
 
 " Hu," sez the cook, " Texas ain t south. Texas is just 
 the rubbish heap o this whole country. Where did you hook 
 up to that word reckon ? " 
 
 " I dunno," sez I, thinkin back. " A feller just catches 
 words like the mumps, I suppose ; but my pap, he used to use 
 it right often." 
 
 " Where did your folks come from ? " sez the cook. 
 
 " Oh, they come from Kentucky, an before that from Vir 
 ginia an No th Carolina, an before that they came from 
 Scotch Irish an English, an go clear back to Adam an* 
 you 11 find us Hawkinses was a ramblin crew, I reckon ; 
 but what on earth you drivin at, Monody, an where on 
 earth did your line hail from ? " 
 
 He sat there a moment with lights an shades dartin over 
 his ugly face, which somehow was n t ugly to me any more, 
 an at last he said: "I have the blood of an Injun chief 
 an an African king an a Spanish nobleman in my veins, 
 an " 
 
 " Lord, man, you ought to let some of it out," I interrupted. 
 " You 11 have an eruption in your in ards some day at 11 
 blow you into a million pieces." 
 
 " No, I got em all whipped out now, Happy, an I reckon 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 29 
 
 at you did it. You re the only man I ever met at I ain t 
 once felt like killin ." 
 
 " It s pleasant to think o what a good neighbor you ve 
 been all your life, cook ; but I m glad you ve turned over 
 since I met up with you. Anyhow, you ve been a heap o 
 comfort to me, an anything I got is on your list too, do^ t 
 you never forget it." 
 
 But just the same, as soon as I got up an around again, 
 I had a terrible tuggin from the no th an I could n t resist 
 it. I d be makin plans for the summer an then all of a sud 
 den I d find myself sayin, " What in the world do you 
 reckon at that child is doin now. She 11 be eight years old 
 shortly, an I simply have to see her on her next birthday, 
 even if she don t see me." At last I couldn t stand it no 
 longer, so I told the boys I had to cut, an it fell like a stone 
 on a lamp chimney ; but the cook, he took it harder n any one 
 else. I liked the boys an I liked Jim an I liked the job ; 
 but there was that tuggin allus at my heart, an in the end 
 I set a day. Jim, he made me all kinds of offers, cause things 
 were gettin easy with him; but when I made it clear to 
 him, he saw how it was an he sez : " I know at you 11 
 come back to me some day, Happy, an if you 11 settle 
 down, you can be a rich man. I ve kept back five hun 
 dred dollars for you at I have n t mentioned in your wages, 
 an you can take your pick o the colts an just as soon as 
 you ve had your little flier I want you back ; we all want 
 you back." 
 
 It s a comfortin feelin to know at you re goin to be 
 missed ; but I could n t savvy that cook. He had one big 
 tearin time of it an sluiced himself out with gin an dug up 
 his old profanity, an then he simmered down an just cooked 
 himself into a new record. Gee ! it was hard to separate from 
 
30 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 that mess table ; but I had set my day an the was no goin 
 back. 
 
 Jim had a black Arabian stallion an a couple o high 
 grade mares an he was showin up something fancy in the 
 hoss line. He raised the colts just like range ponies, an while 
 they was n t quite so tough when it came to livin on sage 
 brush an pleasant memories, they could eat up the ground 
 like a prairie fire, an they was gentle. I bought a silver 
 trimmed bridle an some Mexican didoes, an then I said 
 good-bye to all of em except the cook he wasn t there. 
 
 I hunted for him an hour; but he had so many peculiar 
 ways at I just let it go at that an finally gave him up ; so I 
 left him a nifty present an pulled out with about a thousand 
 yellow ones in my belt an the best mount in the West. 
 
 I had n t gone more than two miles before I turned a 
 corner an came face to face with ol Monody. He was settin 
 on a big bald-faced roan, an he had a serious look on his 
 face. " Well, I wondered if you was goin to let me go away 
 without sayin good-bye," sez I, tryin to talk light an easy. 
 
 " I d be apt to," sez he. " Why, I Ve been peacefuller 
 since you been here n ever I was in my life before, an it 
 ain t likely I d let you scoot out an leave me. I m goin 
 along." 
 
 Well, what do you think of that ! Me startin up to where 
 I was n t sure of a welcome an takin such a tow as ol Mon 
 ody along with me. I argued with him for an hour, an then 
 I got hot an told him that merely savin my life did n t give 
 him no mortgage on me an that he could n t nowise keep 
 up with me, an by the time he reached the Diamond Dot, the 
 chances were at I d be on my way back to the Lion Head. 
 He did n t waste no time in words, just sat sour an moody, 
 an every time I d stop he d growl out, " I don t care where 
 
CONVINCING A COOK 3* 
 
 you go or how fast you go or nothin at all about it. I in 
 goin along, an I 11 catch up with you sometime." 
 
 I sure gave him a chase ; I wanted the black hoss to show 
 up well when I landed, but I sent him along pretty steady 
 an 7 took extra care of him. OF Monody had picked out the 
 toughest pony at the Lion Head, an he had good hands, but 
 he never sighted me till the night I reached the ranch and 
 was busy wipin Starlight s legs. " I got some news for ya," 
 sez ol Monody, gettin down slow from his leg-weary roan. 
 " I 11 tell it to ya while you re eatin supper," an I was 
 sure glad to see him an glad to eat food again. 
 
CHAPTER THREE 
 
 UNDER FIRE 
 
 As soon as I finished takin care o Starlight, I give Monody s 
 mount a look-over. The old bald-face was whipcord an 
 steel ; but he looked purty near ready to own up. 
 
 " Monody, confound you," I sez. " What the deuce did 
 you hammer this old skin over the road like this for ? " 
 
 " That s my pony," he growled. 
 
 "Since when?" 
 
 " Since I bought him, that s since when." 
 
 " When did you buy him ? " 
 
 " It ain t none o your business when I bought him. I 
 bought him the mo nin you pulled out." 
 
 " What did you pay for him ? " 
 
 " Are you goin to talk about that ol cayuse all night ? " he 
 snorts, gettin wrought up. 
 
 " I m goin to talk about him until I find out about him," 
 sez I, " an you might as well come out of it an tell what the 
 is to tell." 
 
 " I don t have to tell nothin about him. He neveh be 
 longed to you. Jim, he owed me some money on my wages 
 so I just took the pony for the money. An now I hope 
 you re through pesterin me." 
 
 " How much did he owe ya ? " sez I. 
 
 " Now you gone about far enough with this ! " yells Mon 
 ody. " I don t know how much he owed me, an I don t care. 
 I reckon he owed me more n the pony s worth, n if he 
 did n t he can just pert end he raised my wages last month." 
 
UNDERFIRE 33 
 
 " Why did n t you let him raise your wages a little more, 
 an bring along a bunch o five-year-olds too ? " sez I, grin 
 ning. I was mighty glad to see the old scamp, an I knew he 
 had drawed the worst end o the bargain ; but I wanted him 
 to understand that it was embarrassin to go again my wishes 
 without my consent. He had the pot o coffee just ready to 
 set on the rock where we was goin to eat, an all of a sudden 
 he straightened up an shot a scowl into me. " Look here, 
 Happy," sez he, " I don t care a sky blue flap doodle for the 
 whole Jim Jimison outfit ! I told you I was comin along, an 
 I come. I tells you again that I m goin wherever you go ; 
 but if you don t shet up about that royally sequestered ol 
 ball faced camel, I 11 dash this scaldin hot coffee right on 
 the ground ! " 
 
 Well, I fell on my knees an begged him to spare me, an 
 I kept it up until he was gigglin with laughter he had a 
 funny way o laughin an then we sat on the stone an 
 well, the never was a human mortal at was qualified to carry 
 water for ol Monody s cookin . 
 
 " What s your news, Monody ? " I sez, after I d satisfied 
 myself that I could n t swaller another crumb. 
 
 " You re headin for the Diamond Dot, ain t ya ? " sez he. 
 
 " This is a corner o the Diamond Dot range," sez I, lollin 
 back an puffin slow an comfortable at my pipe. 
 
 " The pony corral stands at the mouth of a little canon, 
 don t it?" 
 
 " Yes," sez I. 
 
 " An the cook house is to the right of it ? " 
 
 " Yes," sez I. 
 
 " An the ranch house is kind o sprawly with " 
 
 " Look here, Monody," sez I, interrupting " this ain t no 
 news. What are you gettin at?" 
 
 3 
 
34 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 " You got friends there, ain t ya? " sez he. 
 
 " I got one friend anyhow," sez I, " but as long as you Ve 
 insisted on taggin along after me, you 11 see the place an 
 you 11 see my friend ; though I somehow doubt if you 11 be 
 invited in for a meal." 
 
 " Is your friend a lady ? " sez Monody. 
 
 " Oh, no," sez I, sarcastic, " she s a two-year-old heifer. 
 I would n t think o goin this distance just to call on a lady." 
 
 " How old is she ? " asked Monody. 
 
 " Now you look here, you old pest," sez I, " if you re just 
 try in to get even with me about the bald-faced roan, why 
 cut it; but if you ve got anything to tell, why tell it, cause 
 I m gettin sleepy. She 11 be eight years old to-morrow." 
 
 Old Monody shook with silent laughter for a moment. 
 " A lady ! " sez he. Then he sobered an sez, " Is it your 
 child?" 
 
 I heaved a rock at him which he dodged, an then I sez, 
 " You wicked ol beast you, do I look old enough to have an 
 eight-year-old daughter ? " 
 
 " Sometimes you do an sometimes you don t. You re 
 one o these fellers at ain t got no age o their own, but just 
 age up accordin to what s goin on," an ol Monody 
 stumbled on a bit o truth when he said this, an it s still true. 
 
 " Well, what are you gettin at? " sez I. 
 
 " The Diamond Dot is goin to be raided to-night," sez he. 
 
 I jumped to my feet. " Who by ? " I sez. 
 
 " You re fifteen years older right now than you was two 
 minutes ago," sez Monody. " I stumbled onto Bill Brophy s 
 gang last night. Bill has seven o the lowest grade wolves 
 at ever wore man-hide I I used to know Bill down in 
 the Territory, an Bill he thought I was still on the grab. 
 He put me on. I m supposed to be at the pony corral at 
 
UNDERFIRE 35 
 
 midnight to turn the ponies loose an bottle up the house 
 gang in their shack. Brophy s bad medicine ; you d better 
 pass up your eight-year-old lady friend an come on back to 
 the Lion Head with ol Monody." 
 
 I walked up an down a time or two, thinkin it over. " We 
 can ride right into the ravine at leads to the pony corral 
 from here," sez I. " It s a good average four hours ride. 
 Now I can do it in three on Starlight; the old bald-face 
 couldn t do it at all to-night " 
 
 " Look at him now," sez Monody. There he was eatin 
 grass as lively as a cricket. " Well, you follow as you can, 
 only you d better lay low unless I whistle the Lion Head 
 signal. If I get time to break you gentle to the home gang, 
 it 11 be all right ; but you ain t apt to be due for a cordial 
 welcome, not when strangers to you are lookin for hold-ups." 
 
 He had tossed the saddles an bridles on the hosses by this 
 time, an we left our outfit lyin on the rocks. We hit the 
 saddles in the same tick an settled into a swing. Big an* 
 heavy as ol Monody was, he was a light rider, an the bald- 
 face hung at my cinch for the best part of an hour an then 
 we slowly oozed away from him. The stars were all full 
 power that night, an a feller could see most as plain as if 
 the d been a moon. 
 
 It smelt good to be back at the old place again, an my 
 blood was racin through my veins till I fair tingled. Finally 
 I reached the canon an began to ride careful. It was only 
 about eleven ; but I did n t want any o Brophy s gang t-o 
 take a pot shot at me. All of a sudden something moved on 
 a little grassy shelf on the side of the cliff. Starlight shied 
 off to the left an my gun flew up over my head, ready to drop 
 on whatever it happened to be. My eyes were drillin into the 
 gloom when a mite of a creature with her hands clasped rose 
 
36 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 up an said, " Oh, Happy, Happy ! is it really you ? an ridin 
 on the black hoss with the silver trimmed leather ! " 
 
 " Barbie, child ! " I cried, " what on earth you doin out 
 here this time o night an all by your lone ? " 
 
 " I just could n t sleep, Happy," she said, comin to the 
 edge o the shelf an sittin down with her little bare feet 
 swingin over; " I got to wonderin how it would feel just 
 when the birthday was a-comin on ; so I sneaked out here, 
 an I was just beginnin to feel it when you hove into sight. 
 I been thinkin o you lots lately, Happy." 
 
 " You little minx, you," sez I, " I doubt if you ve thought 
 of me twice since I been away, while I ve been thinkin of 
 you every minute. But come, jump down behind me an 
 we 11 hurry on. I want you to go in an wake Daddy up an 
 tell him I ve got something mighty important to say to him, 
 while I scurry over an wake up the home gang." 
 
 " The home gang ain t here," sez Barbie. " The ponies va 
 moosed this afternoon they nearly always do the days I turn 
 Mr. H. Hawkins with them, that s what I call the pinto. 
 He s an awful scamp ; but the best pony on the place." 
 
 " Then I reckon they 11 bring em around the twist an* 
 down this canon. Now you get down here an sneak into 
 the house while I stake out Starlight in the big cathedral 
 see how well I remember everything." 
 
 I set the child down, rode Starlight into a big open nook 
 with a narrow mouth, an then hustled into the house. Old 
 Cast Steel was standin in the dining room in his stockin - 
 feet with a gun in each hand an a question in his eyes. " Get 
 ready for a raid, Jabez," sez I. 
 
 "Who from? "sez he. 
 
 " From the Brophy gang," sez I. 
 
 " How do you know ? " sez he. 
 
UNDERFIRE 37 
 
 " They are due to arrive here at midnight, Jabez," sez I. 
 " I don t know why ; but I think we d better get ready for 
 s em now an argue about it to-morrow." 
 
 " I know why," sez he. " One of em stole one o my 
 ponies an started to run off a bunch o my own cows with it. 
 I strung him up an he said at Bill Brophy d get even with 
 me for it. That was two months ago, an the has n t been 
 a minute since at I was so bad prepared for em. How 
 many s in the gang ? " 
 
 " Bill an seven others. I found out through the meanest 
 lookin mortal you ever set eyes on. He s a giant, nearly 
 black, an the ugliest critter you ever set eyes on ; but he s 
 white inside. He 11 be along as soon as he can get here 
 don t shoot him." 
 
 " I ain t apt to shoot any help this night," grins Jabez. 
 " If it was n t for the little girl, Happy, I d be right satisfied 
 to have it out with Bill; but I hate to think of what may 
 happen to her. How 11 we fix for em ? " 
 
 " Get in the dug-out cellar," sez I, for I d been plannin it 
 all along. 
 
 " I reckon they 11 burn the house down," sez Jabez ; " but 
 I d rather they destroyed the whole blame outfit than to have 
 anything happen to the little lass." 
 
 " Where s Melisse ? " sez I. " She left," sez Jabez ; an I 
 had n t time to learn particulars. 
 
 By this time we had everything barricaded, an gettin 
 Barbie we made a run for the dug-out. It was only two hun 
 dred yards; but we hadn t left the shadow of the house 
 before a rifle sings out followed by two revolver shots. The* 
 was a big pile o winter wood in the L of the ranch house, 
 an without sayin a word I swung Jabez with little Barbie in 
 his arms back of the wood pile. 
 
38 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 We did n t shoot much, although the gang kept pepperin* 
 at the wood pile purty frequent from behind the cook house. 
 " They 11 fire the house purty soon," mutters Jabez, after 
 we d beat em off on their second rush. " We 11 have to try 
 for the dug-out sooner or later." 
 
 Just at this minute the six notes o the Lion Head signal 
 floated in. " There s ol Monody," sez I. " I wish Barbie 
 was safe an we d show em a merry time of it." I answered 
 the call an the was silence for a long time. Presently we 
 heard a rattlin volley, an the cook rolled around the corner 
 o the house an joined us. 
 
 " The next time they rush," sez Jabez, " we 11 charge out 
 after em an try for the dug-out. They won t monkey much 
 longer." 
 
 They did n t monkey at all. Two of em had broke into 
 the house from in front, an the next we knew a window had 
 been flung open at our back an we would a-got it right then, 
 but Monody heard em, an as soon as the window shutter 
 flew back he emptied his gun inside. At the same time the 
 remainin six charged in a body, an for the next few minutes 
 we was some busy. But we beat em off, an as they scurried 
 for shelter to load, we made for the dug-out; me in front, 
 ol Jabez in the center, an Monody closin up the rear. 
 
 Just before we reached it, a revolver cracked in the door 
 way o the dug-out, I felt a sting in the left shoulder, spun 
 around and fell, but jumped up just as Jabez changed direc 
 tions for the cook shack. It was only a step from the dug 
 out an we rushed in, slammed the door, dropped in the bar, 
 an turned to face a man with two guns on us. Monody 
 dropped on him, an I was about to shoot from the hip when 
 ol Jabez sez, " By George, Jim, I d forgot all about you 
 we can sure fix em now. These is friends, Jim." Jim was 
 
UNDER FIRE 39 
 
 a savage lookin brute an I eyed him purty close. " This 
 feller is cookin while Flapjack is on his bender, Happy," 
 sez Jabez. 
 
 The cook shack was built out o pine logs at the bottom, 
 an fixed so the upper sides d swing out like awnings in hot 
 weather. We felt purty comfortable. The was a square 
 window at each end an one on the side facin the house; 
 the stove was on the other side. We made little Barbie sit in 
 the corner behind the stove. Jabez took the window facin 
 the house, me the one facin the dug-out, an the sub-cook 
 facin the corral. I could shoot cleaner n Monody, so he 
 stood by to do my loadin , an we proceeded to waste ammuni 
 tion. It s enough to make the oldest man the is reckless, 
 when you think of the weight o lead good aimers can throw 
 without spillin any blood. 
 
 After a bit things grew quiet, an then we saw a small 
 freight-wagon backin down to the door with a lot o wood 
 across the back of it. Jabez came over to my window an 
 we shot into an under the wagon; but it still backed up. 
 The was a little grade down to the cook shack, an after they 
 got it started the was n t much to do but guide. They had 
 fixed a stick o wood pointin straight back from the rear 
 axle, an when it hit the door the bar broke an the door flew 
 off its hinges an clear across the room. 
 
 But gettin the wagon away for their rush was a different 
 matter, an we all shot at one another purty regardless. Once 
 I reached back my hand for a fresh gun an failed to get any. 
 I turned around, an there was Monody holdin the sub-cook s 
 right wrist with his left hand an grippin at his throat with 
 his right. The was a horrid look on the sub-cook s face, 
 an just as I turned to interfere, Monody gave a wrench 
 which tore out the cook s wind-pipe, gave him a -sling which 
 
40 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 landed him under the table, an handed me a fresh gun. I 
 was some bothered about this ; but that wa n t no time to 
 hold an investigation, so I begun shootin at flashes again. 
 
 " How s your catridges holdin out ? " sez Jabez. 
 
 " Ain t many left," sez Monody. 
 
 " I m about cleaned myself," sez Jabez. " Where s Jim ? " 
 
 " I think he s about once through," sez I, an we proceeded 
 to shoot more economical. 
 
 Purty soon they quit firm again an then the freight wagon 
 started up the hill. They had put their ropes on the tongue 
 an were draggin it out with ponies. We knew what that 
 meant an took a brace. 
 
 The lull what followed was the hardest part o the whole 
 business. The was n t a blasted thing we could do, an it 
 seemed hours before the next volley came from the corner o 
 the dug-out. We did n t reply to it, which was most uncom 
 mon lucky for us; cause first thing we knew, they came 
 rompin around each corner an poured in on top of us. They 
 was used to fightin against odds, an it irritated em consid - 
 able to take so long at a job with the odds in their favor. 
 Outside, the starlight give us a purty fair aim, while they 
 could n t do more than guess at us so we beat em off once 
 more. 
 
 " The s only three shots in this gun," sez Monody, cheer 
 fully, as he handed my iron back to me. 
 
 " What s that? " sez Jabez. 
 
 " We re about out o fuel, Jabez," sez I. 
 
 I heard him grit his teeth in the darkness. " Where is she, 
 Happy ? " sez he. 
 
 " She s still in her corner back of the stove with the shack 
 door in front of her. They won t hurt her, Jabez no matter 
 what happens, an the s a good fight in us yet. Ol Monody 
 
UNDERFIRE 41 
 
 here don t begin to fight till the ammunition has give out; 
 so keep your mind easy for the next rush," sez I. 
 
 Next moment they surged down on us, shootin as fast as 
 they could fan. We did n t explode a catridge until they 
 was bunched in the door an then we emptied out. They 
 cussed an groaned consid able ; but they surged on into the 
 cabin, just the same. The smoke was like a cloud inside, an 
 a newcomer could n t see an inch ; so I backed into my corner 
 with my left arm danglin at my side an holdin my gun by 
 the barrel. 
 
 The shootin stopped in a flash an the silence hurt a feller s 
 ears. The was a sloppy, floppin sound over under the table 
 an now an again a low groan. " Fetch the lantern out o the 
 freight wagon, an let s chalk up," said a deep, heavy voice. 
 
 In about a minute a light ripped its way into darkness an 
 I never saw a worse sight. Jabez was lyin face down with 
 a hairy viper on top of him face up. The feller d been 
 pinked in the bridge o the nose an it was most horrid 
 ghastly. Two others lay still with their bodies inside the 
 shack an their legs outside ; while another was lyin just at 
 my feet. Some one had swatted him in the temple with a 
 revolver butt ; but the sight that just about made me home 
 sick was Jim, the deputy cook. 
 
 Monody had n t broken the windpipe, an he was n t dead 
 yet. It was him at made the floppin sound. Oh, it was sick 
 ening ! Brophy was a fine lookin man I recognized him 
 from his description right at once an he had n t been even 
 grazed. He looked around cool but quick, an just about 
 took it all in, in the snap of a finger. Then he loaded both 
 his guns before us an made the feller with the lantern do the 
 same. After which he looked into Monody s eyes looked 
 into em until Monody s ugly black face turned ashy; but 
 
42 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 Brophy had n t even a scowl, an when he spoke, his deep 
 voice was steady an calm. " How did that happen, Mon 
 ody ? " sez he, pointin to the sub-cook. 
 
 "I I reckon one o the boys mistook him in the dark," 
 sez Monody. 
 
 " I reckon you lie," sez Brophy. " The ain t no white man 
 would be beast enough. It s one o your own heathen 
 tricks." 
 
 I was surprised at the way Brophy talked. I d allus heard 
 at he was a rip-snortin screamer, an here he was talkin low 
 an level like, as if he was conversin about the weather; but 
 when I looked into Monody s face an saw it gray an 
 quivery, I knew at Brophy was n t no bluffer, whether he 
 yelled or whether he whispered. 
 
 I moved about an inch cause my leg was strainin , an* 
 three guns dropped on me. " Don t try nothin ," sez Brophy. 
 I didn t I stood mighty still. * 
 
 The man under the table give a gaspy squawk, Brophy 
 dropped on one knee to look at him, an I could see him 
 shudder as he looked at the torn throat. " My God ! " he 
 muttered, an then he started to git up, his voice fairly 
 snarlin with rage. " Monody, you beast ! " he yelled, snap- 
 pin back the hammer of his gun, " I 11 " 
 
 He never finished it. With a queer, guttural cry Monody 
 took a step forward with his left foot an kicked him under 
 the chin, lifted him clear from the ground, an rolled hirr> 
 over, a crumpled an broken thing, on top o the sub-cook, 
 The man with the lantern began to fan-shoot into Monody, 
 an I jumped for him an hit him in the temple with the butt 
 o my gun. He went down with a crash an the lantern went 
 out. 
 
 " Monody ! " I called. " Monody, are you hurt ? " 
 
UNDERFIRE 43 
 
 The was n t no answer ; the was n t a sound. I felt like 
 the last man on earth. Then I thought of the girl. I waited 
 a moment to quiet my voice, an then I sez, " Are you all 
 right, little Barbie?" Still the wasn t no answer, an I 
 fairly yelled to her. 
 
 " Yes, I m all right, Happy, but I want to get out. Are 
 you all right?" Her voice was steady, but it sounded a 
 long ways off. 
 
 " Yes, Honey Bird, I m all right," I sez. 
 
 " And is my Daddy all right ? " she asked. 
 
 My! but it was a world o comfort to hear the child s 
 voice again, an some way I felt unreasonable tickled to think 
 at she had asked about me first. " Your Daddy ain t here 
 just now, Barbie," I sez. " You d better just stay where 
 you are until we make sure at they re all gone." 
 
 " Well, all right," she said in the same muffled voice ; " but 
 I d like to get out." 
 
 I hunted through my pockets for a match, but I could n t 
 find one, an what I wanted just then was light Lord, how 
 I did want a light ! 
 
 And then I heard a tramplin an a poundin as the herd 
 swept down the ravine an into the corral, an next minute 
 I heard George Hendricks give the yell he allus give when 
 a job was done, an I yelled back yelled till my voice 
 cracked ; an it was the biggest relief I ever had. 
 
CHAPTER FOUR 
 
 PROFESSIONAL DUTY 
 
 I KEPT on yellin until they got to the cook shack. " What 
 the bloomin blue blasted blazes is the matter ? " sez Spider 
 Kelley. " An who the fiber fingered flub-dub are ya ? " 
 
 " Get a light, get a light an see ! " I yells, hatin to move. 
 
 " It s Happy Hawkins ! " yells the whole bunch, an the 
 tone they used was all-fired welcome. 
 
 Purty soon they come in with a lantern, an then they 
 stopped askin questions. For a moment we all just looked 
 at that floor, an it was sure a hideous sight. I put my finger 
 on my lips an pointed to the corner back of the stove where 
 I d put the shack door in front o little Barbie, an then I 
 motioned for em to drag the bodies out. Monody was alive 
 an he had a satisfied grin on his face when I helped to carry 
 him out in the air. Jabez never moved, an the boys lifted 
 him mighty tender he d been a good man to work for, 
 spite of his queer ways. The two men in the doorway were 
 still gaspin , but the rest of Brophy s gang had passed on as 
 they had a right to expect, wearin their boots an their guns 
 hot in their hands. Brophy himself had his neck broken, 
 but his face did n t look bad. It was peaceful under the 
 lantern light. 
 
 As soon as they was all lined up on the side porch I took 
 the shack door down, but Barbie was n t there. " Barbie ! " 
 I called. " Barbie, child ! where are you ? " 
 
 " Here I am, Happy," answered a muffled voice. " I m 
 in the oven. Can t I come out now ? " 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 45 
 
 I opened the door to the big oven an there she was, 
 wrapped in a coat an all rumpled up as if she d been sleepin . 
 " Who put you in there, child ? " I asked. 
 
 " A woman," she answered. " A woman with a soft, 
 kind voice. She put me in here an she told me to go to 
 sleep, an I did sleep most o the time. When you d all 
 shoot together it would wake me up ; but then after a minute 
 I d doze off again, an now it s gettin daylight an I m 
 eight years old, an I didn t get to see how it felt comin 
 on. Where s my Daddy, an are all the robbers gone ? " 
 
 " A woman ! " sez I. 
 
 " Yes, an she had the kindest voice," sez Barbie. " Ain t 
 she here now ? I want to talk to her. I Ve missed ol 
 Melisse something fierce but I never let on to Daddy. 
 Where is Daddy, Happy?" 
 
 " You ask more questions n an almanac, Barbie," sez 
 I, tryin to speak easy. " I m goin to carry you in an put 
 you to bed, an you can go on dreamin about your beautiful 
 lady, an then in the mornin I 11 tell you all about what s 
 happened." 
 
 My heart weighed about a ton in my breast as I carried 
 the child into the house with the gray dawn light drippin 
 over her an the still form of her father lyin around on the 
 side porch. I thought o the mother she had n t never seen, an 
 I hoped that things was fixed so at that mother could keep 
 on comin back now an again to put a dream into her lonely 
 little heart like she d already done that night ; but I carried 
 her into her little white bedroom hummin a dance-tune, 
 took off her shoes an stockin s, covered her up warm, an 
 told her she could sleep late, as we was n t goin to have 
 an early breakfast. The big lids closed down over her 
 bright little eyes, an purty soon she was breathin soft 
 
46 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 an quiet, an then I left her. I stopped in the doorway 
 an looked back, an my heart ached when I thought of her 
 havin to wake up an face it all. It ain t just killin a man 
 that s so bad, it s the awful hole most of em makes in 
 some innocent woman s heart. 
 
 When I got back to the side porch my breath liked to a 
 stopped, for there was Jabez sittin up an complainin most 
 bitter because he had an achin in the back of his neck. I 
 stopped in my tracks gappin at him, an purty soon he 
 noticed me an sez, " Well, what are you starin at ? Remem 
 ber at I ain t no chicken heart, an remember at what I hate 
 worse n anything else is a liar. Now where is my child ? " 
 
 " She s in bed and asleep, an if you re sure you re alive 
 you ve lifted a ton off my heart. I thought you was dead," 
 sez I. 
 
 " This whole pack of idiots thinks so yet," he yells, " an* 
 they won t let me get up. I got to see her, Happy, I got to 
 touch her an make sure for myself that she s all right." 
 
 " Where was you hit, Jabez ? " I sez. 
 
 " I was creased I was creased the same as they crease 
 a mustang," he sez. " I was just touched in the back o 
 the neck an it paralyzed me. These blame pin-heads are 
 crazy to strip me an see if I ain t shot all to pieces, but I 
 won t stand for it." He tried to get up, but his legs would n t 
 work, an he sank back again. 
 
 " You just set an rest a bit, Jabez," I sez. " I want to 
 see how old Monody is." 
 
 The boys had n t paid much attention to him, thinkin 
 him one o Brophy s gang, an not carin much whether or 
 not he was comfortable, cause he was the most blood 
 thirsty lookin of the whole bunch. " Are you hurt bad, 
 Monody ? " I said. 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 47 
 
 His face lit up with a smile. " I don t hurt at all, Happy, 
 but I reckon I m done for the ain t no f eelin in me from 
 the waist down." 
 
 I got three o the boys to help me, an we put him on the 
 shack door an packed him into the house an put him into 
 one o the spare beds. He was shot three times in the 
 left shoulder, an it was n t till I noticed it that I recalled 
 my own fix. Monody s shoulder was all shattered to smash, 
 but still, it was n t no reason for him to die, so I begun to 
 kid him about it. He grinned an said he did n t intend to 
 die on purpose, but he reckoned it was his turn, an he did n t 
 intend to side step. He was most unreasonable an would n t 
 let us bandage him nor nothin , said he had a salve at beat 
 anything a doctor had, an we got it for him out of his coat 
 which was the one wrapped around Barbie. He examined 
 my shoulder with his right hand, an his fingers worked 
 around inside my bones clear and true, but some way without 
 hurtin me much. " It ain t broke," sez he, " just grooved 
 a bit. You got bones like a grizzly." 
 
 When his salve came he rubbed it on me an then he rubbed 
 it on himself, an then he told us to clear out so he could 
 sleep. We all left him after a little, an I sent Spider Kelley 
 after the doctor. The was only one member of Brophy s 
 gang alive when I got back to the side porch, an he was 
 sinkin fast. He had told Jabez at they intended to clean 
 him out completely, an that Jim, the sub-cook, was one o 
 the gang an had let the ridin ponies loose, so at the was 
 no choice but to walk after the herd when they stampeded. 
 He said that if he had n t a had that chance he would a 
 put knock-out drops in the coffee that night, which made all 
 the men madder n ever. Knock-out drops ain t no fair 
 way o fightin . 
 
48 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 Well, this feller had been with Brophy a long time, an 
 he gave us a purty complete list of his doin s an his ways. 
 As a rule a man only lasted about a year with the gang, 
 an when it was possible Brophy tried to get boys to fill 
 up the vacancies, boys likin the game an not carin 
 much for the consequences. He tried to tell us where 
 Brophy had a lot o gold salted down in Nevada, but it 
 was hard to understand him, an before he made it clear 
 he tuckered out. 
 
 We sent out word to the neighbors, an that evening about 
 forty of em rode over to the buryin , and they made a 
 good bit of a fuss over us, cause the gang had been worse 
 n a plague an a famine. You can judge o their nerve 
 when they made war on the Diamond Dot, we havin one 
 o the biggest outfits in the territory, an all patriotic 
 toward the old man. Jabez give me more credit n was due 
 me, but he sure tried to do the fair thing by 61 Monody 
 too. Monody had saved us all, an that was the simple 
 truth. It seemed odd to think of how that kick I had in 
 the jaw won me a friend in Monody, an then, when it 
 was passed on, saved the Diamond Dot. I d like to know 
 what it did for the French sailor an the feller what handed 
 it to him. Funny thing, life. 
 
 We tried to get Monody to take his clothes off an be 
 comfortable; the boys fairly pestered the life out of him 
 tryin to do somethin for him, but he was obstinate, said 
 at his clothes was clean, an he didn t intend to take em 
 off till they got dirty. They bothered him so that finally 
 he made me bring him one of his guns, an he swore he d 
 use it before they got his clothes off. " I want to be buried 
 in em, Happy," he said to me, most earnest. " If I die with 
 em on you won t let em take em off, will ya ? " 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 49 
 
 He had a lot o fever, so I humored him ; but I wished, 
 myself, he was n t so set in his ways. His salve was the 
 bulliest stuff I ever used on a bullet hole, an my arm begun 
 to mend right from the start. His shoulder was splintered 
 purty bad, but still, it didn t seem as if it ought to have 
 bothered his legs none. The next day he was a little wobbly 
 in his head, an it seemed to rest him to hold my hand. He 
 did n t want no one else in the room, so I just sat an talked 
 nonsense to him, an twice Barbie came in to see him. 
 
 In spite of his ugly face the child was n t a mite afraid 
 of him, an she would smooth back his black, coarse hair; 
 but she didn t talk to him much just looked into his eyes 
 an smiled. 
 
 " I wish Melisse was here/ she said to me once when 
 Monody was dozin , " she d cook somethin nice an tasty, 
 an she s such a good nurse." 
 
 " Melisse ? " sez Monody comein to, " who *s Melisse ? " 
 
 " She s my old nurse," sez Barbie. " I told her a story 
 just a little one an she would n t whip me for it, so Daddy 
 told her to clear out until she was willin to do her duty. 
 He thinks she s gone for good, but I know where she is." 
 
 " Melisse, Melisse," muttered Monody. " Well, after all, 
 it might be. The ain t nothin too strange to happen." 
 
 I see at he was a bit out of his head, so I did n t question 
 him none. " Where is she, Barbie ? " I asked in a low tone. 
 
 " I don t know just exactly where she is or I d go bring 
 her back, of course," she sez ; " but I know at she s some 
 where hereabouts, cause the day before my birthday why, 
 it was only day before yesterday, was n t it ? It seems years 
 ago. Well, day before yesterday I found a big pan o cakes 
 in my playhouse, an no one can t bake em but Melisse." 
 
 Monody did n t say anything more until after Barbie d 
 
 4 
 
50 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 gone from the room, and then he made me tell him all I 
 knew of Jabez, which was mighty little. He lay there a 
 long time without speakin , an then he sez : " O course 
 the may not be anything in it, but if ever you an this 
 Jabez lock horns, you just ask him about the Creole Belle, 
 an if he s the man I mean an he sure favors him 
 it 11 most likely unnerve him. Now I want to sleep." 
 
 Spider Kelley an the doctor got back about ten that 
 night, an ol Monody was in a ragin fever an some out 
 of his head, but he kept his gun handy an would n t stand 
 for any one startin to undress him. 
 
 " The s somethin worse n that shoulder," sez the doctor, 
 " though that s bad enough, goodness knows. He s hurt 
 somewhere in the spine, an I 11 have to examine him. 
 Take that fool gun away from him." 
 
 I put my hand" on Monody s an he loosened his hold on 
 the gun an took hold of my hand, his face lightin up con 
 tented. Then I handed the gun to one o the boys an 
 took tight hold of his right arm while the doctor started 
 to unbutton his shirt. Ol Monody s eyes opened with 
 a jerk, an the fever had left em. "Happy, Happy!" he 
 pleaded. " You know at I d give my life for ya ! You 
 won t let em bother me, will ya ? I m done for, I know it ; 
 an the ain t nothin to do. Happy, Happy, let me go in 
 peace, won t ya ? Let me die like a man ! " 
 
 The wa n t no fever in his eyes, an he was sure earnest 
 about it. I knew at if things was changed an I was in 
 his place he d give me my way, so I sez to the doctor, 
 "Dock, ol Monody here is a cure-all himself; he give 
 me the best salve ever I see for my own shoulder, an when 
 he sez it s all up with him, he ain t blufrm . I reckon you d 
 better just let him alone." 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 51 
 
 I had n t never seen this doctor before ; he was a youngish 
 buck with sharp features an an obstinate chin. " No," 
 sez he, " it would n t be professional. I got to make an 
 examination. Now some o you boys hold his feet an* 
 some o you hold his good hands an " 
 
 " Some o you go to hell ! " sez I. " If ol Monody here 
 wants to die with his clothes on he s sure goin to do it 
 or else the s goin to be consid able more funerals on this 
 place than we ve already had. Now you git ! " 
 
 The Dock, he was the first to go, an then the rest o the 
 boys filed out. 
 
 " You re square, Happy," sez Monody, after they d gone. 
 " You re square, an I knew it the first time I looked into 
 your eyes. If I d fell in with square ones at the start it 
 would V been a heap easier a heap easier." 
 
 Cast Steel had n t hardly taken his eyes off Barbie since 
 he d got up an around again, but right after the Dock had 
 left, in he popped. "What s this I hear, Happy?" he 
 sez, excited. 
 
 " I don t know, Jabez," I replied. 
 
 " Dock Wilson sez at you chased him out o the room with 
 a gun an would n t let him examine this man." 
 
 " Well," sez I, " as far as that goes, this man has a 
 right to judge for himself. He saved your life an your 
 outfit an your daughter, an I don t reckon you re goin 
 to tie him into a knot so as a doctor can go pokin around 
 in him when he don t want it." 
 
 " You re as obstinate as ever ! " shouts Jabez. " He s 
 probably out of his head." 
 
 " No, he ain t out of his head," sez Monody, in a low, 
 soft voice, but without openin his eyes more n a crack. 
 " He ain t out of his head an he ain t forgot nothin* he 
 
52 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 ever knew, an* it 11 be better all around if he s allowed to 
 go in peace." 
 
 Jabez looked at him in surprise, and Monody scowled up 
 his face till he looked like a wounded Silver Tip, but the 
 came a queer hunted look into Jabez eyes for a moment, 
 an then he muttered, " Well, this is a free country an I 
 reckon he has the right to decide. He has sure saved us, 
 an if the s anything on earth I can give him, all he has 
 to do is to ask for it, an I hope he pulls through in his own 
 way." 
 
 Jabez fidgeted around a minute or two longer an then 
 he oozed out o the room. When he d gone ol Monody 
 chuckled a wicked, contented chuckle, an after a bit he sez, 
 " It s him all right, it s him, but he never did me any harm, 
 an I would n t worry the child, not for worlds. She ought 
 to have a woman around her though. You get old Melisse 
 back, Happy, an remember if it ever comes to a question 
 of you or him just call him George Jordan an say at 
 Jack Whitman was n t killed " Monody chuckled again, 
 an then sobered " but don t spring it except as a last 
 resort, cause the little girl couldn t help nothin about the 
 Creole Belle, an she ain t no call to be worried by it. Jim 
 Jimison, he s white, Happy, but he d a been killed that trip 
 if you had n t taken holt when you did. He s learned the 
 game purty well now, though, an I reckon he 11 make good." 
 
 Poor old Monody kept on talkin disconnected until about 
 midnight, first tellin some devilish deed he d seen or took 
 part in, an then tellin o some joke or some act o kind 
 ness. Just at midnight he took my hand, an the came a 
 look into his eyes like as if he was about overcome by 
 some beautiful vision; but in a moment he sobered down 
 an he gripped my hand till it hurt. " Happy," he gasped, 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 53 
 
 " I allus loved ya, Happy. You won t let you won t 
 let em " an it was all over with ol Monody. 
 
 I sat by the bed a long time thinkin it over, an then I 
 went out into the settin room. Jabez an a couple o the 
 boys was there an I told em it was over. I went out 
 into the night to have a look at the stars. Whenever some- 
 thin has happened in my little wobbly life down here I like 
 to get out an see the same old stars in their same old places, 
 calm an steady an true. That was one thing which allus 
 drew me to the child Barbie, she was a star-worshiper 
 too, same as me. 
 
 When I got back I see the little doctor explainin somethin 
 to Jabez. I thought he had gone long ago, but the hooked- 
 nosed buzzard could n t leave without satisfyin his curi 
 osity. " What do you reckon was the reason your friend 
 would n t let himself be examined ? " sez he, with a leer. 
 
 " It was n t nowise my business," sez I, " so I did n t 
 think about it at all/ 
 
 " Well, it was because he was n t a man at all he was 
 a woman." 
 
 For a moment I stood an looked at him, while a lot o 
 things became clear as day to me. A woman ol Monody 
 was a woman ! When I thought of what a girl is, an what 
 it must have took to make one want to really be a man, I 
 felt plumb ashamed o my sex ; but here was another creature 
 in man s clothes standin an grinnin into my face as though 
 he had done somethin smart. 
 
 " How do you know ? " I sez soft an steady. 
 
 " I went in an examined it was my professional duty. 
 She had been shot in the abdomen and the bullet had lodged 
 in the spine. She had stuffed a rag into the hole an all the 
 bleedin was internal. I found that " 
 
54 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Who was with you ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Nobody," he said with pride ; " I went in alone an 
 I found " 
 
 " I m obliged to ya, Boys," sez I, " an I 11 be obliged 
 to you still more if you 11 just stand to one side an watch 
 me make an examination. I only got one arm, so it s 
 perfectly fair. It seems to be the fashion now days to 
 examine human beings who wear men s clothes but who 
 ain t men so I feel it my professional duty to examine 
 this here speciment before us." 
 
 The grin kind o left his face when I started for him. 
 He was n t near my size, but me only havin one workin 
 arm made it fair. He looked to the boys to help him, but 
 they was unusual placid. I reached out an grabbed him 
 by the collar an put my knee in his stomach as a brace ; he 
 struck me in the face an in my wounded shoulder, but in 
 about one minute I had his clothes off him, an there he 
 stood the shamedest thing I ever see. " Now you get out 
 o here an ride home," sez I, " an I believe if I was you 
 I d pick myself out a new home one at would take 
 about six weeks to ride to. You won t be popular around 
 here from this on." 
 
 " Can t I put my clothes on ? " he sez. 
 
 " Not these," sez I. " If you have any more where you *ve 
 been livin you can put them on; but I hope in my heart 
 the sun peels your back before you arrive, an I hope when 
 you do arrive the 11 be enough women awake to give you 
 a raw-hidin for bein indecent. Now git." 
 
 He looked into the boys faces again, but they wasn t 
 friendly they was n t even smilin , an then he went out 
 side, got his pony, an rode away. He rode clear out o the 
 West, I reckon, cause while I heard of the story purty much 
 
Monody 
 
PROFESSIONAL DUTY 55 
 
 everywhere I went after that, I ain t never heard o the buz 
 zard himself since that day long, long ago. 
 
 It was dawn by the time he d rode out o sight with his 
 white skin shinin on his hunched up form, an then I went 
 in to set with ol Monody a while. 
 
CHAPTER FIVE 
 
 JUST MONODY A MAN 
 
 HE looked mighty peaceful, did ol Monody. Curious 
 thing about death, is the way it seems to beautify a person. 
 In life Monody was the homeliest human I ever see, an* 
 yet the was something so kindly, an gentle, an an* 
 satisfied in his face there under the lamplight, that I reached 
 out an patted his hand, almost envious even though my 
 fool eyes was a-winkin mighty fast. 
 
 We all of us would give the first ten years of our life 
 to know what it s like out yonder ; when he was here, ol 
 Monody would a done anything he could for me, well, 
 he lay down his life an I reckon that s about skinnin 
 the deck, but here I was achin to know how it was with 
 him, an there he was with all his guesses answered, an 
 him not able to pass back a single tip to me. 
 
 It was n t him that I was lookin down at, it was just 
 the shell of him, scarred and battered and bruised, but all 
 his life or at least most of it he had twisted up his 
 face to make it as ugly as possible, so at no one would n t 
 take him for a woman. Now it could relax an give a 
 sort of a hint as to what it might have been if he d had a 
 chance to live. Oh, it s sure a crime the way we torture 
 some o the white souls at drift to this Sorrowful Star, as 
 I once heard a feller call it. 
 
 Injun, Nigger, an Greaser why, such a combination 
 as that ain t entitled to trial in a civilized nation it s 
 guilty on sight. Any one would know at such a bein 
 
JUST MONODY A MAN 57 
 
 would be cruel an treacherous an thievin an everything 
 else at was bad but yet the come a good streak into 
 Monody some way or other. All in the world I had ever 
 done for him was to beat him over the head when he acted 
 like a beast, an then to treat him like a human when he 
 acted like one. The was n t nothin especially kind nor 
 thoughtful in it, just simple justice as you might say, 
 an yet in spite of his treacherous mixture he was n t askin 
 no favors ; all he wanted was a square deal, an when 
 he got it he was square clear to the finish. It s a funny 
 thing, life. 
 
 In spite of all he d done to kill it the was a mother 
 streak in him which made him fair hungry for somethin 
 to pet an fondle. He was allus good to any kind of an 
 animal, an though I did n t notice it at the time, he was 
 allus motherin me; an look at the way he had soothed 
 little Barbie with a touch that night in the cook shack! 
 O course I ain t questioning the judgment o the Almighty, 
 but for the life o me I can t see why it was necessary to 
 make a woman as big an as tall as ol Monody was, an yet 
 perhaps if I just knew the story from the beginnin , I d see 
 it was a mercy, after all. Anyhow, it made it easy enough 
 for him to work out his scheme. 
 
 The ain t no rules for women anyhow, cause their hearts 
 won t never surrender to their heads; when they do, they 
 ain t all woman. Well, yes, there is one rule at s safe for 
 a man to foller in dealin with woman, an that is that when 
 a woman s in love, she s in love all over. Sometimes a 
 man s in love up to his pocket-book, sometimes up to his 
 appetite, an sometimes up to his heart, but he s mighty 
 seldom in love all over. If nothin else stays dry he s 
 generally able to take care of his head, but with a woman 
 
58 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 everything goes ; so I m purty tol able sure that away back 
 at the beginnin it was love at drove ol Monody out of 
 her own sex down into ours. 
 
 When the news spread abroad at the man who had 
 killed Bill Brophy without a weapon had cashed in, the 
 neighbors gathered from ninety miles around, and we sure 
 gave Monody the rip-snortin est funeral ever seen in those 
 parts. We did n t say nothin about him not really bein 
 a man, an though I reckon at every feller there knew of 
 it, the was n t a single one of em spoke of it so we 
 did n t have no trouble at all. 
 
 He lies on a little knoll about a mile to the north of the 
 ranch house. Up back of him ol Mount Savage stands 
 guard an fights off the roughest of the storms; while the 
 soft winds from the south steal gently up a little cut in the 
 rocks an seem to circle about him, whisperin secrets of 
 countries far away. If the s a single bird in Wyoming, 
 you can find it hoppin about his narrow bed or singin 
 in the oak tree at stands above him, spreadin* out its 
 branches like a priest givin the blessin . Winter or summer, 
 Monody s grave is the quietest, peacefullest, purtiest spot 
 at lies outdoors, as if the old Earth had repented of the 
 way it had treated him, and was tryin to make it up to 
 him now. 
 
 Take it in winter when the s a clean sheet o soft, 
 white snow over everything, an I like to go out an 
 stand on another little knoll about a half mile this side. 
 The last speck of light in the valley comes through a 
 narrow cleft an falls on Monody s grave. As the sun 
 sinks lower an lower the crimson glory on the soft 
 fleecy snow seems to come up out of the grave an climb 
 the black shadow of the mountain, like but pshaw, 
 
JUST MONODY A MAN 59 
 
 I reckon it d be a mighty tame sight to ol Monody 
 himself. 
 
 I never speak of him, an I never think of him, as any 
 thing but a man. He lived like a man, God knows he died 
 like a man; and on the little stone at his head the ain t 
 nothin carved except just Monody, a Man. 
 
CHAPTER SIX 
 
 THE RACE 
 
 IT was mighty pleasant back at the Diamond Dot after 
 things got settled again. Barbie had become a curious little 
 trick with a way of doin strange things in a sober old- 
 fashioned manner like as if she was a hundred years of 
 age, but was tryin to hide it. 
 
 She was more like Jabez too, which give me a heap of 
 amusement, seein which one was goin to win when they 
 straddled a question. Barbie was n t sassy, not at all ; she 
 just did n t seem able to savvy that a few small matters, 
 like age an parentage an ownin the ranch, gave Jabez a 
 sort of a majority vote, as you might say, on all questions. 
 No, Barbie couldn t seem to get callous to this, an she 
 fought out all differences of opinion from the mere facts 
 o the case, an I got to do Jabez the justice of admittin that 
 he never retreated behind his authority until after he d 
 been well licked in the open; an unless it was a mighty 
 important question he took his lickin like a man. Barbie 
 was game about it too, an when she got the worst of a 
 fair fight she never put up a howl ; but when she had won in 
 the open it used to grind her something fierce to be told 
 point blank that she had to do such an so, " Cause she was 
 a girl." 
 
 "If tobacco stunts your growth, how s it come at old 
 Tank Williams an George Hendricks an Happy an a 
 lot more o the boys is all over six feet tall," she sez one day 
 
THERACE 61 
 
 durin a try-out, " while Flap Jack is the smallest man on 
 the place an he don t never use it at all cept when he 
 cuts his ringer." 
 
 " Things don t allus work alike," sez Jabez, slow an 
 cautious. " The tall ones would all av been taller if they 
 had n t used it, an Flappy, he would n t a been able to see 
 out of his boots if he had." 
 
 " Well, I don t see as it makes much difference, anyhow," 
 sez she. " I don t want to be so everlastin tall, so I reckon 
 I 11 just smoke four a day an that 11 " 
 
 " I reckon you won t smoke any a day," sez Jabez, gettin 
 riled. " Smokin cigarettes is a nasty, filthy habit, an " 
 
 " Then I 11 smoke a pipe," sez Barbie. 
 
 " No you won t smoke a pipe ! I don t intend to have a 
 gal child of mine smokin anything. It s disgustin , an " 
 
 " It ain t as disgustin as chewin , an you chew," sez 
 Barbie. 
 
 " Now you look here ! " yells Jabez, hot as a hornet, 
 " I m a man an you ain t, an that makes a heap o dif 
 ference. I had to give up cussin on your account, but I 
 don t intend to go to wearin dresses complete, just to keep 
 you halfway respectable." 
 
 " Yes, an I got three cusses comin to me too," sez 
 Barbie. " I heard you over at the hay-barn yesterday." 
 
 " That don t count the agreement was, about the 
 house ; an besides, you did n t have no call to be there." 
 
 " Yes I did. I could n t light my cigarette out in the 
 wind so I got behind the barn. You are the one at did n t 
 have no call to cuss. The was n t anything wrong at the 
 hay-barn an you was all alone. I just know at you went 
 there to cuss cause I made you own up at breakfast that 
 it was n t no worse for me to fling the oatmeal out the 
 
62 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 window when it did n t suit me than it was for you to fling 
 the coffee." 
 
 The old man just stood an stared at her so I knew at 
 the little witch had rooted out his devisement. " When 
 you are older, Barbara," ol Cast Steel sez in his coldest tone, 
 " you will understand these things an be glad of the care 
 I took of you ; but now I am compelled to lay down a law. 
 You are never to smoke again until you re of legal age." 
 
 " What s legal age? " sez she. 
 
 " Twenty-one years," sez Jabez. 
 
 "That ll be thirteen years," sez Barbie. "All right; 
 but I m goin to roll three cigarettes a day for thirteen 
 years an the very day I m twenty-one I m goin to smoke 
 em all." 
 
 " You go to your room an stay there," sez Jabez, white- 
 hot. 
 
 " I will," she answers as cool as an icicle, " an I m 
 goin to figure up how many it will be, so I 11 have some 
 sort of fun to look forward to when I get of legal 
 age." 
 
 After she d gone Jabez set down on a stone an wiped 
 his forehead. " She ain t a child, Happy. She ain t nothin 
 like a child," sez Jabez to me. " Here she is only eight year 
 old an she s got me out beyond my depth already. I 
 don t know what I ought to do with her. She went to the 
 spring round-up this year an slept in a Navajo right out 
 doors. She wants to go bear huntin or anything else at s 
 wild an dis-accordin to her nature. What on earth am I 
 goin to do with her ? " 
 
 "You ought to have children to play with her. She 
 wants to play all right, she tries to play; but the only 
 kind of play she knows is grown-up play. Get some children 
 
THERACE 63 
 
 an dolls an pet kittens an such things for her ; that 11 
 give her a chance," sez I. 
 
 " I tried it," sez Jabez. " I tried it last summer, but she 
 about killed em. The only children I could get was two 
 little Injuns, but she about ruined em. The only game she 
 would play was war, an when they would n t stand for 
 her way o playin it she got on her pinto the one you 
 broke for her an roped em both an like to dragged the 
 hide off em. I don t know what to do." 
 
 " You ought to send her to school," sez I. " They 11 be 
 white children there an they won t be slow an gentle like 
 the little Injuns ; they 11 be just as full o devil as what 
 she is, an she 11 get the sharp corners wore off her." 
 
 " Hang it I tried that too. I sent her when she was 
 six year old I d been lookin forward to it a good long 
 time too, but it did n t do no good. 
 
 " She put in the first day all right, but things went too 
 slow for her after that, an she brought home her books 
 an made me pester over em with her, an she went into it 
 like a game, an now she s gone through about four years 
 work in two. It s a blame shame, cause the school is only 
 ten miles away an she could go as well as not, but she s 
 so terrible impatient. She reads all kinds o books already, 
 an sez she s goin to read em all before she quits. She 
 ain t a bit like a child an I don t think it s natural. I 
 wish she d pester me for dolls an pink dresses an things 
 like that instead of wantin all kinds of firearms, an playin 
 poker with the boys." 
 
 Ol Cast Steel was all worked up over it, an I thought 
 a long time before I answered him, then I sez, "Jabez, 
 you re hard enough on the child an you re strict enough 
 with her, but you ain t strict enough with yourself. When it 
 
64 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 comes to a show down, when you actually say yes and 
 now, why, she gives in ; but when you argue with her 
 she s just as sharp as you are, an the s a heap o things 
 all children has to do at I reckon the ain t no real sense 
 in, so when you try to dig up a reason for em you give em 
 the whip hand. Just like religion: lots of it is better just 
 stated an not mussed up tryin to be explained. When a 
 parson tries to tell me why God created this universe, it 
 don t sound reasonable; but when I go out an look at the 
 stars an the mountains an the big sweep o the plains an* 
 then try to round up all that astronomer feller said about 
 things, why, I just know at nobody but God could a done 
 it an I reckon it s that way with a child. She trusts you 
 until you get down to her level an then she sees that the 
 ain t much difference between you, an she naturally expects 
 you to play the same game by the same rules. You send her 
 to school an tell her it s for her own good, an let her n the 
 teacher fight it out. That s a teacher s business an they 
 know how." 
 
 Well, they was a heap o sense in what I said, an I d 
 been thinkin over it a long spell ; so when school opened up 
 again in the fall Barbie had her orders an the was n t much 
 in the way of trouble. 
 
 I did n t have any regular duties at the Diamond Dot 
 the worst trouble about the Diamond Dot was that nobody 
 had any regular duties. Jabez was notionable to a degree, 
 an we all just floated along, doin what we did do right, but 
 not havin much of a plan for it. I could have handled the 
 place with ten less men an got through on a tighter schedule, 
 but it was a fine place to work at an we all got what was 
 comin to us. Through the winter I used to ride over with 
 Barbie when the days was anyways rough, an it took her 
 
THERACE 65 
 
 a long time to find out that Starlight really could beat her 
 pinto. I reckon that child was the best rider at ever backed 
 a pony. As you might say she grew up with a pony be 
 tween her knees, an the way she could play a bit in a 
 hoss s mouth was the finest sight I ever see. I ain t much 
 of a fool when it comes to pickin out a ridin critter, an 
 the pinto was able most uncommon able. 
 
 One Saturday morning she told me that she was tired o 
 seein Starlight beat Hawkins on ten-mile dashes, an she was 
 goin to have a real race that day. She allus called the 
 pinto " Hawkins " after I got back ; she had said it would n t 
 be polite to call us both " Happy " an as long as I had owned 
 both names the longest, she was willin to give me my choice 
 an then she said at that would n t be quite fair to the 
 pinto she was mighty rigid on bein square so she said 
 at we d have to draw for em. She wrote " Happy " on 
 one piece of paper an " Hawkins " on the other, put her 
 hat in the pony s mouth, she had taught him a lot o 
 tricks, an I had to turn my back while she dropped in 
 the names. My luck was good, so I drawed " Happy," 
 an the pony was called " Hawkins." I was feared I might 
 have to go back to John, an John s a sort of a heavy bag 
 gage for a careless cuss to be luggin around. 
 
 It was spring, an the range was smooth an tough. All 
 through the snow Starlight s long legs had given him a 
 big advantage, but now her weight made it a purty good bet 
 either way. " Let em go grassin , Barbie," sez I. " This 
 fine young grass " 
 
 " I knew you were afraid to make a fair test of it," she 
 sez scornful. 
 
 " I ain t neither afraid," I sez, " but what s the use of a 
 
 race just to satisfy our curiosity?" 
 
 S 
 
66 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 "What s the use of curiosity except to satisfy it?" sez 
 Barbie, an she had me sure enough. A feller was a fool 
 to argue with that little witch. She allus had a come-back, 
 an the only way to get ahead of her was either to boss or 
 beg. I had n t no authority to boss, an I was too blame 
 young to beg, so she just about had me roped an tied. 
 " How far are you goin to race ? " sez I. 
 
 " A hundred miles," sez she. 
 
 "Pshaw," sez I, "the country s wider n that. Why 
 don t you give em a decent work out." 
 
 " That 11 be enough for this time," sez she, " an if you 
 hustle you can have em ready by five o clock." 
 
 " Does the boss know ? " sez I. 
 
 " He will sometime," sez she. " Now hustle." 
 
 It was a glorious day, an I own up I was amused at the 
 prospect. Both hosses was hard as flint an nervy. If 
 I d a stayed at the ranch I d have collected up brandin 
 irons an other truck for the round-up, an a hundred miles 
 through spring sweetness was a heap sight more temptin 
 to me ; so I give in an soon we was under way. " Where 
 is the course laid out, Barbie ? " I sez. " You know I won t 
 see much of you back there in the ruck an I want to know 
 the path." 
 
 " All you need to do is to foller Hawkins s trail," sez 
 she, " but in case you can t find it just circle Mount Savage 
 an* that 11 be the distance, so the boys say." 
 
 We started out at a comfortable gait, an I watched her 
 pretty close. Once I tried her out by sendin Starlight along 
 for a mile, but she just kept the pinto pluggin away, an 
 I sensed I was up against some head ridin . Oh, it was 
 gratifyin to watch the little rascal ridin with her brain, 
 like I d taught her. She did n t throw the reins down on 
 
THERACE 67 
 
 her pony s neck, an she didn t pull in on the bit; she just 
 played it in his mouth to keep remindin him that this was 
 his busy day, an that he d better tend to his knittin . Old 
 Starlight knew every move I made, an he was resigned to 
 a good long pump of it. 
 
 I nonsensed a while, tryin to get her to laugh an cut up, 
 but not her. " Now don t talk unless you have somethin 
 to say, Happy," sez she. " I don t want Hawkins to imagine 
 at we re out ridin for an appetite. I want him to believe 
 at we re on mighty important business." 
 
 " Oh, he 11 sure enough think it," sez I, " when we swing 
 around Mount Savage an he gets to see home through 
 Starlight s dust." 
 
 " When it comes to that, I 11 bet he won t be complainin 
 o the dullness of the business he s been on. Now just 
 practice thinkin a while." 
 
 We watered about noon at a little snow stream on the 
 opposite side of old Savage; but we et our vittles on hoss 
 back an we did n t waste any time on the waterin . I 
 figured we d scaled up about fifty miles, an the pinto was 
 still tonguin his bit an waitin for somethin interestin 
 to turn up. Starlight was gettin some disgusted with the 
 monotony. 
 
 We rode on for another hour an then Barbie began to 
 ride a little. The pinto let out a couple of links as cheerful 
 as a rainbow, an I rode at his cinch. I knew I could beat 
 her in the brush, an she was easin the pinto too much 
 to make it a question of grit unless she began to herd him 
 mighty shortly. Well she did begin ridin purty soon, an 
 brother Hawkins responded like an echo. He was a hog 
 for distance, was that pinto. He was short on top with 
 plenty of depth to him, and his belly cut up quick, showin 
 
68 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 he had lots o room for his heart an his lungs an his forage. 
 Starlight s nostrils worked a shade more than his did, 
 but we were gettin purty close to the pinto s speed, an 
 Starlight had a load of it left, and he d pay out the last 
 ounce of it when I said the word. I knew I could beat her 
 this time, but I was feared she might call for a repeat the 
 next day an I intended to remind Jabez it was the 
 Sabbath. 
 
 Starlight was pretty wet with sweat, while the pinto was 
 bone dry when we struck Trouble Creek which was boilin 
 full. In we went, an the water hissed and sucked around 
 our waists ; but we crossed at about the same time, an then 
 it was only ten miles to the ranch house, an Barbie shook 
 her quirt. Away shot the pinto, but Starlight had his fussy 
 streak warm by this time, an I let him edge ahead as fast 
 as he wanted to. He knew the distance now, an he knew 
 I wanted to cover it in the least possible time, an he knew 
 just how much the was left in him, so I drew a tight rein, 
 eased it off again, an we dropped a gap between us an* 
 the shorter legs of Barbie s mount. We only gained an 
 inch at a time an I was n t sure I d be the one to do the 
 braggin even yet, when all of a sudden we swept around 
 a point of rock an there was Melisse hot-footin it to the 
 ranch house. She heard us the minute we saw her, an when 
 we drew up to her she gasped : Pluto has about killed ol 
 Cast Steel, an Spider Kelley has gone for the doctor." 
 
 Barbie caught the words, but she never made a reply or 
 asked a single question; she just laid the quirt without 
 a sting over Hawkins s foreshoulder an raced on. I stopped 
 long enough to tell Melisse that I would send the buck- 
 board after her, an then I took after Barbie. It looked 
 like a race, sure enough. 
 
I knew I could beat her this time 
 
THERACE 69 
 
 I was worried. Pluto was a high grade stallion Jabez 
 had got after I lined up Starlight alongside the range 
 ponies, an he had the meanest temper I ever see put into 
 a hoss. I had been tendin him cause I d got wise to the 
 ways o these thin-skinned fellers down at the Lion Head, 
 but I never quite trusted him, an I feared at maybe Barbie s 
 goin off without notice had riled the old man an he had 
 tried to take it out on Pluto. 
 
 We only had five miles to go, an we sure went it. I beat 
 her to the ranch house, but Starlight had n t got his breath 
 back when she rode in, an the pinto only took one long 
 breath an shook his head. I turned the bosses over to one o 
 the boys at were hangin around the door lookin troubled, 
 an hustled inside. Jabez lay on the lounge with a face like 
 soured vinegar. He had a bandage round his head an 
 another around his arm, while his leg was propped up on 
 pillows. 
 
 " What s the damage, Jabez ? " I asked. 
 
 "Where s Barbie?" he demanded, not payin any heed 
 to my question. She had flung herself from the pinto an 
 came running into the room. " Oh, Daddy," she said, 
 throwin her arms around him. 
 
 " Where have you been ? " sez he. 
 
 " I been racin with Happy," she said. " Are you bad 
 hurt, Daddy?" 
 
 "Who beat?" sez he. 
 
 " Happy did, about a hundred yards." 
 
 " It was n t more n fifty," sez I. 
 
 " How far did you race?" asked Jabez, grittin his teeth. 
 
 " A hundred miles," sez Barbie. 
 
 "A hundred miles?" sez Jabez, grinnin painful. "A 
 hundred miles, an the black hoss beat your pinto carryin 
 
70 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 a hundred n fifty pounds more weight. Hendricks tell 
 those blame fools not to kill Pluto. Happy, you go an 
 see that they don t even hurt him. It was my fault. Now, 
 Barbie, tell me about the race." 
 
 I went out to the big open stall where Pluto was kept all 
 by himself, but first I sent one o the boys with the buck- 
 board after Melisse. I found Pluto in the middle of his 
 stall with three ropes around his neck an the boys snubbin 
 him to posts. They was n t minded to let him go, even on 
 Hendricks s say-so, but I went into the stall an told em 
 to ease off. " He s whipped one man in a fair fight," sez 
 I, " an if another man don t whip him in a fair fight the 
 won t be any handlin of him from this on. Ease off these 
 ropes." 
 
 Well, I whipped that hoss in a fair fight, an then I went 
 in to see how Jabez was gettin along. I said a fair fight 
 an I meant a fair fight. Yes, the is a way to fight a hoss 
 fair that is, as fair as any fight is. If you look at it one 
 way, the can t never be a fair fight, cause one is bound to 
 have an advantage skill, luck, experience, or courage ; but 
 what I mean is, that I fought that hoss with nothing but 
 just my own hands an I whipped him. 
 
 Why the way I did it was this: as soon as they slacked 
 off the ropes I slipped up beside him an jerked em over 
 his head, an we two stood alone in the big box stall with 
 size in his favor an brains in mine. I had some consid able 
 size in those days, an he was almost too brainy for a hoss; 
 but I own up at I d had the most experience. 
 
 First I stood off an insulted him: I cussed him an I 
 called him all manner of names an then I laughed at him 
 you think a hoss, a hoss like Pluto, can t be insulted ? Why, 
 pshaw ! they re as high feelin as children. He was out o 1 
 
THERACE 71 
 
 humor to begin with, an purty soon his ears went back an 
 his eyes got red. I ve heard tell about an animal not bein 
 able to look a man in the eyes, an I never saw the wild ani 
 mal at could ; but I ve seen three man-eatin stallions in 
 my time at could look clear to your liver, an a bulldog can 
 do it too. 
 
 First off he tried to bite, but I got him a shoulder-blow 
 right on the nose. It made him wink, an he reared an struck 
 at me with his front hoofs. I ducked to the left an the 
 minute his hoofs came down I slipped thumb an forefinger 
 into his nostrils, an tried to jerk his head around to the 
 right ; but I d thrown him once before that way an he 
 was too quick. He threw up his head before I could grip 
 his mane with my left, an a reachin kick with his right 
 hind foot tore my vest away. 
 
 He floundered me around consid able for a spell, but at last 
 in tryin to jam me against the wall I got hold of his mane. 
 I braced my feet against the wall an liftin myself, I got 
 his ear in my mouth an I bit it. It was a trick I d learned 
 from ol Monody, an I sure bit hard an close to the head. 
 For mighty nigh a minute he stood it fightin , an then he 
 give a groan. He had n t had a sniff of air through his 
 nose since I d grabbed it, an he was n t no bulldog, he was 
 a satin-skinned thoroughbred, an he could n t stand the 
 anguish in his ear. 
 
 He groaned an then he shivered an then of a sudden I 
 let go his ear, jerked his head around to the right, pulled 
 up his left front foot with my left hand an heaved with my 
 shoulder. Down he went an as he fell I leaped across 
 him, an put my weight on his head. Then I took my 
 fingers out of his nose an patted him. 
 
 I hate to whip a hoss, I hate to break the pride of any 
 
72 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 livin creature; but when I start in to do it I don t just 
 pester him. I wait until I have good reason an then I con 
 vince him whether he s able to live through it or not. 
 I stroked old Pluto s ears an nose, all the time murmurin 
 to him, an durin the murmurin I told the boys to file out. 
 I never shame nobody in front of anybody if the s any 
 other way round. 
 
 Well, Pluto was drippin with sweat an havin his bit ear 
 rubbed was mighty soothin to him. We all like a lot of 
 babyin after we ve been hurt, whether we own up to it or 
 not, an Pluto was n t any exception to the rule. After a 
 while I explained even-thing to him an told him that if he d 
 just act like a human bein , he d be treated like a king ; but 
 if he wanted to carry on like some savage varmint we d have 
 to remove his hide an inch at a time ; an when I finally let 
 him up he was mortal shamed of himself. 
 
 It was plumb dark by the time I let him up, an I watered 
 him an fed him an nibbed him until he began to eat, an 
 that w r as the last bother any man ever had with Pluto; 
 but I was the only one he d mind without bein chain- 
 bitted. He counted me his best friend, an after a while 
 he got so he d play with me nip my ear with his lips 
 an such things, which I count as bein a game way of 
 takin punishment. Still, it ain t just gettin beat, it s havin 
 it rubbed in that makes a feller bitter. 
 
 I walked around to where Starlight an Hawkins was 
 enjoyin their evenin meal, an I was mortal proud of the 
 condition they was in. I reckon the was n t another pair 
 in the territory at could a covered their ante that day, an 
 it was a feather in Uncle Happy s cap all right. 
 
 But all the time I was thinkin o these things I was 
 dreadin havin it out with Jabez. He was contrairy enough 
 
THERACE 73 
 
 at the best; but all bunged up, I could see my self-control 
 gettin strained twice a minute. I knew enough about us 
 both to know at whenever it came to a show down, it meant 
 a breakin of home ties, an I hated to cut loose from Barbie. 
 After a while, I washed up, fed up, an* went in to have it 
 over with. 
 
CHAPTER SEVEN 
 
 MENTAL TREATMENT FOR A BROKEN LEG 
 
 BARBIE an three of the boys were in the room when I 
 went in. Barbie was tellin the old man of our ride, an 
 ;he three punchers sat with the rims of their lids between 
 thumb an ringer, lookin at the floor as solemn as if they 
 was on trial for their life. Barbie had just finished about 
 our meetin up with Melisse when I stepped in. 
 
 " Who s boss o this place ? " sez Jabez to me. 
 
 "If the is any boss," sez I, " I reckon you re it." 
 
 " Who told you you could be gone all day ? " sez he. 
 
 " Nobody told me. Nobody told me what was to be done 
 if I stayed. Nobody has n t told me what to do on a ranch 
 for some several years. Why ? " 
 
 " Looks to me as if you d have sense enough not to risk 
 this child s life with your fool nonsense," sez he. I looked 
 at him calm an steady, an I did n t grin much. 
 
 He knew all at I was thinkin of, about my leavin the 
 last time an also about my comin back, but he also 
 knew at I knew he was thinkin of the same thing, an 
 that we d neither of us mention it, an that it would n t ever 
 weigh an ounce in whatever happened to come between us. 
 I did n t say anything. 
 
 " What makes you humor her in everything for ? " sez he. 
 
 " As far as I know, she ain t my child," sez I. 
 
 He give a start an it made him groan. " What s the 
 matter with your leg ? " sez I. 
 
MENTAL TREATMENT 75 
 
 " It s broke ! " he yells. " Do you think I got it stuck up 
 on pillers cause my foot s asleep ? " 
 
 " Is it easy that way ? " sez I. 
 
 " No it ain t," he snaps. 
 
 " Perhaps if you d get it fixed easy you might be able 
 to talk easy," I sez. "Do you want me to fix it easy?" 
 
 " For heaven s sake, yes, if you know how," he sez ; so 
 I examined it. It was a nasty break. It seems at Jabez had 
 hunted over the place to find something to fuss about as 
 soon as he discovered at Barbie an me had flown the coop. 
 Luck was in his favor when Slinky Bill left Pluto s door 
 open an he got out. It took em some time to get him back, 
 an they finally roped him. None o the boys seemed anxious 
 to go into his stall an take the rope off unless he d let 
 them ride him a while to get the ginger out of him. 
 Jabez took a short club an went in an took off the rope, 
 an if the boys had n t been handy he d a been took off 
 himself. As it was the hoss had smashed his leg something 
 fierce. 
 
 " Get a board," sez I. The three boys left in a body to 
 get the board. I lined up the bones as well as I could, 
 cause the leg was some swelled. Then I bandaged it purty 
 tight, next took an old boot-leg an bandaged that in, an 
 finally split a joint of stovepipe an packed cotton to fit the 
 leg, tyin the whole business to the board when it arrived, 
 an proppin the board up on pillers with one at each side 
 of the foot. Then I wet the bandage on his head an arm, 
 puttin in plenty of turpentine on the arm to prevent poi- 
 sonin . The turpentine made him twist an grunt, but when 
 it stopped burnin his face cleared up. 
 
 " My leg s a heap easier," he sez. I only nodded. I 
 knew he had a lot more steam on his mind. Presently he 
 
76 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 said, " But we might as well settle things now as any time. 
 Who are you workin for ? " 
 
 " I settled that a long time ago," sez I. " I m workin 
 for myself." 
 
 " Then what the deuce do you mean takin my wages ? " 
 sez he. 
 
 " I ain t takin your wages, I m takin my own," sez I ; 
 " but if I was you I d keep calm. You 11 raise your fever." 
 
 " It s my fever ! " he yells, an even the three punchers 
 had to grin. 
 
 " Look here, Jabez," sez I, " the ain t any sense in your 
 gettin riled. You ain t dangerous when you rant around, 
 an I know it ; but you re most uncommon irritatin . We 
 did n t run any risk in our ride to-day, an it proved at my 
 way o feedin is the right way. You don t own a pair o 
 hosses at can go out to-morrow an keep in sight o Star 
 light an the pinto. An my way o handlin Pluto is the 
 right way too, but if you don t like my way o workin for 
 myself on your ranch why, the s plenty of other ranches. 
 The ain t no use o your makin us both miserable, quarrellin 
 like a pair o children." 
 
 " That s what I say," sez Barbie. 
 
 " You wait till you re spoke to," sez Jabez ; but at that 
 moment the buckboard came in with old Melisse, an the 
 very first thing she did was to chase the three punchers out 
 o the house, fix up a mess of her own to put on Jabez s 
 head an arm, an then she picks up Barbie in her arms 
 an I saw the little chap s lip begin to quiver; I saw Jabez 
 wink his eyes too fast for comfort; I saw the tears rollin* 
 down the cheeks of old Melisse, an I went out into the 
 starlight to look up toward Mount Savage where Monody 
 was sleepin . It s a funny thing, life. 
 
MENTAL TREATMENT 77 
 
 After a while I went back inside an they were purty 
 cozy again. " You been away purt nigh a year," sez Jabez, 
 " where you been ? " 
 
 Melisse grinned ; she was a Mexican an had been good 
 lookin a century or so before. She was the silent sort, 
 but she could do a heap sight keener thinkin an lots of 
 em at kicks up more dust at it. 
 
 " Part o the time I been right here at the ranch," she 
 sez, " but when the snow was heavy I stayed in a little cave 
 right up the ravine from the pony corral. You don t reckon 
 at I d leave this child just on your account, do ya?" 
 
 It was some comical to see Jabez s face. " Lord, no ! " 
 sez he. " I m in the habit o payin wages to people at 
 work for themselves, an I don t reckon I got the authority 
 to make anybody get off my ranch. If you ve been foolin 
 around here, how come the dogs never barked at ya?" 
 
 " Dogs ain t apt to forget the hand that feeds em. After 
 a dog has thought well of ya for a while, he don t turn on 
 ya just because you ve become out o favor for a spell ; the 
 friendship of a dog works both ways dogs ain t like human 
 beings, Jabez Judson." 
 
 Melisse had a low, musical voice ; but I kind o felt my hair 
 raisin in pity for the man on the so fey. It seemed like she 
 had stuck a knife into him, an was twistin it around slow 
 without losin her temper. He squirmed, he bit his lip, his 
 thumbs kept runnin over the inside of his fingers. It was 
 some time before he spoke, an then he said, " How much 
 longer you goin to keep that child awake ? " 
 
 " She s been asleep in my arms for some time," sez Me 
 lisse, lookin down at Barbie s face, which was nestled up 
 close to hers. " I reckon I 11 put her to bed now." She 
 got up an carried Barbie to the door an then she turned an 
 
7? HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 sez in a low tone : " You re mighty proud o being called 
 Cast Steel, you love to trample over people; but I want to 
 tell you somethin to remember ; I sha n t never be separated 
 from this child again except by her own will. Next time 
 I can t live around you I 11 take her with me. You ve known 
 me a long time " an she shut the door without slammin it. 
 
 " Oh, I don t reckon it s allus some one else s fault," I sez, 
 after he had got through cussin about his luck. 
 
 " Am I a hard man to work for ? " sez he. 
 
 " You ain t," sez I. 
 
 " When am I ever unjust? " sez he. 
 
 " When you go off halfcock," sez I. 
 
 " What is it allus about ? " sez he. 
 
 I thought over everything before I answered. " Why, it s 
 allus about the child Barbie." 
 
 " I ain t Cast Steel about her ; I m spring steel where she s 
 concerned, an you fellers ought to know the way spring steel 
 works if any one does." 
 
 " That s all right," sez I, I was still smartin a little, 
 " but the deuce of the thing is that you go off at halfcock, an* 
 then you allus expect the other feller to pay the damage. It s 
 goin hard with you some day, Jabez, if you don t watch closer." 
 
 " Oh, you can t understand it. If you only knew what lyin 
 an disobedience sometimes does, you would n t talk so calm 
 about it, neither. The ain t nothin I would n t do for Barbara 
 except see her get started wrong. You re different from 
 the rest, some way, an she thinks more of you than the others. 
 That s one reason why I give you a wider circle to range in, 
 an why I give you foreman s pay for odd-job work " 
 
 " Now if you think at I don t earn all you re payin* 
 me," sez I but he broke in : " If I did n t think I would n t 
 pay it," sez he. 
 
MENTAL TREATMENT 79 
 
 " I can go down to the Lion Head any time I want an get 
 more n you re payin me," sez I. 
 
 " I can pay you as much as any man in the West," sez he. 
 
 " You could n t hire me at all if it was n t for Barbie," 
 sez I. 
 
 " An I would n t hire you at all if it was n t for her," he 
 snaps. " You can do the right thing at the right time 
 better n any other man I ever had ; but you re the contrari- 
 est man to work with on the job. You re allus fly in up, an 
 you d talk back if your throat was cut." 
 
 " I m free," sez I, " an what s more, I know it. The 
 ain t no law ever been framed up yet at can herd me in with 
 the cows, an I don t never intend to act like a cow. I m 
 man to man wherever I am, an a lot o you fellers with big 
 outfits are beginnin to forget that proposition; but I don t 
 forget it, an " 
 
 " Well, for heaven s sake," he yells, " I ain t tryin to put 
 a bit in your mouth ; though I must confess if I had my way 
 about it, I d like to put a quart o bran there sometimes. 
 What I m tryin to do is to come to an understandin about 
 the child." 
 
 " Has n t she gone to school every day this term ? " sez I. 
 
 " There s another thing," sez he. " When I told you to 
 give that schoolmaster a rawhidin , you would n t do it." 
 
 " Course I would n t do it," sez I. " He may have been 
 in the right as far as I know, an anyway, she gave hin> the 
 worst of it." 
 
 " I don t want her to give em the worst of it. I want her 
 to act like a gal child. Ridin her pony into the schooln-om 
 an ropin the master ain t no way for a gal child to act. Wnat 
 I want is for the teachers to play fair. It ain t reasonable to 
 suppose at these mountains was ever under water." 
 
8o HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " You stood for it when the astronomer said so," sez I ; 
 " an the Bible sez so, an " 
 
 " Well, that s all right when it comes to grown-ups ; but 
 the ain t no use makin a child say somethin it don t nowise 
 believe. The truth is more important than a lot of water 
 at dried up millions of years ago if it ever was here." 
 
 " Well, the truth is a heap o bother to Barbie s teachers at 
 the best," sez I. " Look at her spellin she comes upon a 
 cross-bred word in a book an the teacher sez it s pronounced 
 one way, an you another, an me another, until she thinks 
 we re all liars ; and she knows it the next day when she 
 comes across another word spelled almost alike an pro 
 nounced just the opposite. How you goin to teach a child 
 to spell an be honest both ? " 
 
 " It s a damned outrage ! " sez Jabez, his eyes flashin . 
 " Take thought an through, an though why, it s 
 enough to ruin the morals of the best child the is. Hang 
 it, I " 
 
 " Well, you had your own way about it," sez I. " You Ve 
 had three different teachers here this term." 
 
 " W T ho built the school? " sez Jabez. " Did n t I build it 
 with my own money, just so I d have it handy, an did n t I 
 offer to pay the teacher if they d put it right here at the 
 ranch?" 
 
 " You ain t got money enough to bring the world here to 
 her feet, Jabez," sez I, " an it would n t be the best thing 
 for her if you could." 
 
 Well, I sat there the whole blessed night, cheerin him up. 
 Every time he d get to thinkin about his arm or his leg, I d 
 say somethin to rile him an take his mind off his afflictions, 
 an along about dawn he fell asleep. Spider Kelley had 
 found the doctor almost in our neighborhood, an he arrived 
 
MENTAL TREATMENT 81 
 
 with him by ten in the mornin . He paid me a high compli 
 ment on the leg, an after he d rounded up a few splinters it 
 wasn t no trouble at all to set it; but Jabez was in for a 
 good long spell of it, an the Spring round-up in sight. You 
 might think that this would rile him up too ; but he took it 
 like a hero, an I kept him in touch with everything. 
 
 We didn t have a regular foreman at the Diamond Dot. 
 George Hendricks took charge around the house, an Omaha 
 was a sort of ridin over-see-er; but Jabez himself tended 
 to even little details when he felt like it. When he did n t 
 feel that way, any one else who thought of it did. After the 
 round-up Flap Jack decided to go on a bender. I tried to talk 
 him out of it, but he insisted, an finally I sent him into Jabez. 
 
 Flappy came away just tearin mad. " He s the hardest- 
 hearted old tyrant ever breathed," sez Flappy to me. 
 
 "What now? "sez I. 
 
 " Last time I came back I was a day late," sez Flappy. 
 " He fair frothed at the mouth at it, an made me promise 
 to give him a month s notice next time. How s a man to 
 know a month ahead when he s goin to be in the notion for 
 a bender. I m fair ravin for it now ; but like s not I 11 be 
 all out o the notion in a month." 
 
 " Then you 11 be a sight o money ahead," sez I. 
 
 " Money ? What s money for ? Can you buy a thirst like 
 mine with money ? Why, I could take this thirst o mine to 
 a city an get independent rich, just rentin it out by the 
 night. I ve watched fellers drinkin when they did n t crave 
 it, an it hurt em somethin dreadful. If you don t want it, 
 you can t enjoy it until you re under the influence of it, an 
 after you re under the influence of it half the fun o drinkin 
 it is gone." 
 
 Flappy had studied this question more n airy other man 
 
 6 
 
82 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 I ever see, an it was edicatin to hear him lecture on it. 
 " The s only one way to get around ol Cast Steel," sez I, 
 winkin ; so he got Barbie to beg for him when she went in 
 that evenin , an she got Jabez to let him go next day ; but 
 after Jabez d had time to think it over, he sez to me, " Now 
 see what I ve done I ve let that child wheedle me into 
 changin my mind an lettin a man break his word." 
 
 " Well, he needed it mighty bad," sez I. 
 
 " An another thing ; it ain t no fit thing for a gal child 
 to be beggin for a man to go get drunk," sez Jabez. " Maybe 
 not," sez I, " but he sure needed it." 
 
CHAPTER EIGHT 
 
 THE LETTER 
 
 IT all came about through me bein edicated. Most any one 
 can read print words, if they re of a reasonable size, the 
 words I mean, but I could read handwritin too. I never 
 was no great mathematician when you got above fractions, 
 an I was some particular in what I read ; but if I d been 
 minded that way, I reckon I could have waded through purty 
 much any kind of a book ever was written. At that time, 
 however, I was still middlin young in some things, an I sure 
 was suspicious of any kind of book at looked like a school 
 book. 
 
 If you d have school books did up in paper with the right 
 kind of pictures on the covers you could easy get children to 
 peruse em. Did you ever notice bear cubs gettin an edica- 
 tion ? They ain t beat into it, they has to be helt back. Same 
 with the Injun kids ; they was up on edge to learn until they 
 got to schoolin em, then they fought again it just like the 
 white kids. The reason is that we make children learn things 
 they ain t curious about. I bet if you was to try an keep 
 it a secret about George Washington bein made President 
 because he would n t lie about choppin down that cherry 
 tree, the kids would stay awake nights to pry into it. Kids 
 is only human, any way you take em. 
 
 But this business was sure a fetcher to me, an Barbie, she 
 just stumbled on it too. One afternoon me an her went for 
 a little ride up into the foothills, an after we d built our fire, 
 like we allus did, no matter how hot it was, she lay there 
 
84 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 rollin cigarettes for me to smoke, like she allus did the 
 little scamp used to get on the lee side o me so the smoke 
 would blow in her face ; but we never mentioned it. 
 
 Well, after a while she begun to talk of romances, an to 
 ask me questions about em. I told her as many as I could 
 remember, an the one what suited her best was " Claud, the 
 Boy Hero of Gore Gulch." It allus used to fret her to think 
 at the was n t nothing she could do to make her a boy, an 
 she tried to even up by plannin to herself what she d have 
 done if so be she had been a boy. We talked along about as 
 usual; but I see the was somethin on her mind. She 
 wasn t the one to flare up an shout for information. She 
 allus talked in a circle like an Injun when she really needed 
 news. 
 
 After a while she fished out a funny old letter. It was n t 
 put into an envelope, it was just wrapped inside itself an* 
 stuck fast with a gob o some kind o wax which had been 
 broke before it was opened. The had been a name on the 
 outside, but it had been rubbed out. Inside at the beginning 
 was the name " Rose Cottage, San Francisco," and a date ; 
 but I ve forgotten the date. The letter began, " Dearest 
 George." I read that much an then I looked at Barbie. 
 " Where d you get this ? " sez I. 
 
 She reddened a little, an then she looked me straight in 
 the face, an sez, " I got it in the attic. I wanted a new box 
 to put my cigarettes in, an one day Daddy left the attic door 
 open an I went in. The was just a dandy chest there an 
 he had left the key in it. I opened it an this letter was on 
 top. He goes to the attic alone every now an again, 
 mostly at night, an he won t never let me go with him." 
 
 " I suppose that was the reason you thought he wanted 
 you to go alone to the attic, too," sez I. 
 
THELETTER 85 
 
 She flushed again. " If a person don t trust me he ain t 
 got no call to be surprised when I don t suit him." 
 
 I shook my head. Now in talkin to her you forgot she 
 was a child, cause she did n t talk broken like most of em do 
 nor she did n t think broken neither ; but when you looked 
 at her, little and slim an purty as a picture, you could n t 
 help but wonder if she had n t got her soul changed off with 
 some one else, like what they say the Chinese believe. She 
 had the same rules that I did for so many things that it 
 floored me to understand how she got em that young, me 
 havin had to figger em out with a heap o sweat. 
 
 " Was the letter to you ? " I sez, gettin around to facts. 
 
 " No, it was n t ; but I read it, an I wisht I knew what it 
 means." 
 
 " I ain t a-goin to read it," sez I. 
 
 " You re a coward," sez she. 
 
 " That s nothing," sez I ; "if it was n t for the cowards 
 the would be a heap o vacant land in this country," sez I. 
 
 " I thought you was my friend," sez she, takin back the 
 letter an holdin it open in her hand. "If Spider Kelley 
 could read he would read it for me." 
 
 " So would Hawkins, your pinto," sez I, grinnin . " What 
 you ought to do is to tell your Dad that you have the letter. 
 If you don t tell him, I reckon I 11 have to." 
 
 At first she was mad as hops, an then she looked into my 
 eyes an laughed. " I 11 dare you to," sez she. The was 
 some woman in her even then. 
 
 The was n t no way to bluff her, so I said serious, " Well, 
 what do you intend to do about it ? " 
 
 " I don t know," said she. " Dad has lost so many other 
 things beside his temper, stumpin around with that cane, that 
 he thinks he has lost the key to the chest. He goes around 
 
86 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 grumblin an lookin for it ; but he don t ask if any one has 
 found it. Why do you suppose that is ? " 
 
 " It ain t any of my supposin ," sez I. " What are you 
 goin to do about it? " 
 
 " As soon as I get through with this letter an make up 
 my mind not to hunt through the chest I m goin to slip 
 the key into his pocket an then watch his face when he 
 finds it." 
 
 " You ought n t to treat your own father so, Barbara," 
 sez I. 
 
 She laughed. " Barbara ! that s a good soundin name on 
 your tongue, Happy," sez she. Then she sobered. " I don t 
 care nothing for what you say or what he says ; the s things 
 I m goin to find out, an I have a right to. I never told him 
 why it was that I whopped those two girls over at school 
 last winter, an I never told even you. I whopped em cause 
 they said I never had a mother. Everything has to have a 
 mother, even a snake, an I had one too. Why don t he tell 
 me about her? Why does he allus turn me off when I ask 
 about her? I don t intend to just let him tell me that she was 
 the most beautiful woman in the world an too good to stay 
 here, an such things. I am going to find out who she was, 
 an if you was n t a coward you d help me. Now." 
 
 It was true what she said, an I might have known she was 
 studyin about it. I might, if I d had the sense of a hoss, 
 have known that this was what made her old-like studyin 
 about things she never ought to have been forced to study 
 about. 
 
 " Does that letter tell about her, Barbie? " I asked. 
 
 " That s what I want to know ; but you ain t got the sand 
 to read it, an I can t make it out. Here, read it." 
 
 I took it an read it. The writin was fine an like what 
 
THE LETTER 87 
 
 was in Barbie s writin book along the top. It sounded like 
 as if a young girl had written it partly against her will, al 
 though it was purty lovesome too. It told about how lonely 
 she was, an that she had n t never been able to tell whether it 
 was Jack or him she was most in love with until Jack had 
 asked her, an then after Jack had deceived her an he had 
 been so kind, she found out at he was the one she had loved 
 the most all the time. She reminded him at she had written 
 to him before acceptin Jack, an that now if he was still sure 
 he wanted her, she would accept him ; but she could never 
 live near the Creole Belle. She closed with love, an signed 
 herself Barbara. 
 
 I kept on lookin at the page a long time after I had read 
 it. I remembered what Monody had said when I thought he 
 was out of his head about George Jordan an Jack Whit 
 man, an the Creole Belle. I knew at Barbie was studyin 
 my face, an I pertended to spell out the words a letter at a 
 time until I could get full control o myself. 
 
 " What kind of a bell is a Creole Bell ? " sez I. " She ain t 
 got it spelled right neither." 
 
 " A Creole Belle is a beautiful woman of French an Span 
 ish blood who lives in New Orleans," sez Barbie. " What 
 do you make out about it ? " 
 
 I was thinkin fast as I could, but I still pertended to read 
 the letter. So Jabez had been in a scrape with some cross 
 breed woman, an he an this Jack Whitman had loved the 
 same girl, an the was a bad mix-up somewhere. 
 
 " Little girl," I sez, " the s a lot o wickedness in this 
 world you don t know about " 
 
 " An the a lot o wickedness I do know about at I ain t 
 supposed to," she snaps in. " Do you reckon I could knock 
 around this ranch the wav I have an not know nothin ex- 
 
88 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 cept about flowers an moonlight ? You cut out the little girl 
 part an play square." 
 
 " Well, you look here," I sez. " I don t know what you do 
 know an I don t know what you don t know; but I do 
 know at lots of the things you think you know ain t so, if 
 you picked it up from the fool stories some o these damn 
 cow punchers tell; an you ought to be ashamed to listen 
 to em." 
 
 " Oh, yes, of course ! " she fires up. " I am the one what 
 ought to be ashamed of the stories the cow punchers tell! 
 That s the way from one end to the other ; somebody else 
 says somethin an I ought to be ashamed cause I ain t too 
 deaf to hear it. Now the s a lot of questions I m goin to 
 ask you as soon as I get time. I want to know why " 
 
 " No, you don t! " I yells, jumpin to my feet an blushin 
 clear to my ears. " I ain t neither one o your parents an 
 I ain t your teacher. If you want to know things you ask 
 Melisse. If you don t put a curb on yourself I m goin to 
 flop myself on Starlight an streak for the Lion Head this 
 very minute, an I won t stop before reachin the Pan 
 Handle." 
 
 She knew enough to stop bettin up a pair o tens when she 
 see the other feller was n t to be bluffed ; so she sez, " Well, 
 I m goin to find it out some way or other I m going to 
 find out everything I want to know before I m done. I love 
 my Daddy, but he don t always play fair ; an I m goin to 
 find out what I want to find out whether he wants me to 
 or not." 
 
 I was in a sweat. " Barbie," I sez at last, " supposin he 
 is p layin fair? Supposin he has sacrificed his own happi 
 ness to keep sorrow out of your life, an supposin you nose 
 around an discover it who d be the one at played un- 
 
THE LETTER &9 
 
 fair then? You re powerful young yet; you re a heap 
 younger n you realize, an you can t know it all in a day. 
 He 11 tell you when he can, an you ought to trust him. He 
 loves you more n anything else in this wide world. You 
 ought to trust him, Barbie." 
 
 She trembled tryin to steady herself, an I looked off into 
 the valley for a moment. " I know he loves me, an I 
 would n t hurt him for the world ; but I think I m old enough 
 to know, an I m goin to ask him. If he won t tell me now 
 he has to set a date to tell me. I ain t goin to have no dirty- 
 faced school kids askin me questions I can t answer." 
 
 " I reckon all you want to know is in that chest in the 
 garret," sez I ; " an I reckon it s kept for you to read after 
 well, some day; but if I was you, I d put back the letter 
 an I d not think about it any more n I could help. Sup- 
 posin your Dad had had to kill a man to save your mother, 
 an did n t want you to know at he had ever killed a man " 
 
 " Humph ! " she snaps in. " Did n t Claud kill fourteen 
 men in Gore Gulch, an didn t I think it was fine? If he s 
 killed a man I d be proud of it." 
 
 " It s different in real life," sez I. " I like to read about 
 Claud myself, but I would n t want to slaughter men in the 
 quantities he does." 
 
 " You killed a man oncet yourself," sez she. 
 
 " When ? " sez I. 
 
 " You killed at least one o the Brophy gang with the butt 
 of your gun," sez she. 
 
 " It could n t be proved," sez I. 
 
 " It could n t be denied," sez she. " If that s all you think 
 it is I m goin to ask him." 
 
 " Supposin your mother had made him promise not to 
 tell you until you came of age, you know what store he 
 
QO HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 sets on keepin his word, would you be glad to know at 
 you had made him break it ? This Barbara might have been 
 his sister, an some one else might have been your mother." 
 
 " Oh, I see it now my mother was the Creole Belle, the 
 beautiful lady. He allus said she was beautiful, the most 
 beautiful woman in the world " She sat there with her 
 eyes flashin , but I did n t want to let her make up things at 
 was n t so an then be disappointed. " Who do you suppose 
 George was, an Jack ? " sez I quiet. 
 
 She drew her brows together an sat diggin her spur into 
 the dirt. " That s so, too," she said, thinkin aloud. " But 
 Barbara certainly did have something to do with me, an I 
 wisht I knew ! Oh, I wish I could grow as big as I feel I 
 hate this bein a child. I hate it ! " 
 
 " Will you put the letter back an try to forget it ? " I said 
 at last. 
 
 " I 11 put it back at once, I 11 give him the key at once ; 
 that is, I 11 slip it into his pocket, an I won t pester him 
 about it now; but you got to promise to tell me if you 
 ever find it out. Will ya ? " 
 
 " Yes," sez I. " If I ever find it all out I 11 tell you, hon 
 est across my heart." 
 
 " An you won t say nothin about this letter to Daddy, 
 until I let you ? " she said, fixin her eyes on me. 
 
 " No, I won t say a word about that until you tell me to," 
 sez I. 
 
 " Now, then, let s play tag goin back to the house," she 
 said, with her lip stiff again. Oh, she had a heart in her, 
 that child had. 
 
 " You know the pinto has Starlight beat on turns an* 
 twists," sez I. 
 
 " Yes," she sez, " an on a two-hundred mile race, too/ 
 
THE LETTER 91 
 
 She played away through the summer an never spoke a 
 word on the subject again ; but she hid it most too careful, 
 and Jabez saw the was somethin on her mind. " Have you 
 any idea what the child s thinkin about ? " he asked me one 
 day when we was figurin some on the beef round-up. 
 
 I did n t answer straight off, an he noticed it. " What is 
 she studyin about ? " sez he, mighty shrewd. 
 
 " How can a body tell what that child is studyin about ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " You re with her most of the time fact is, about all you 
 do is to play with her these days." 
 
 " Any time my work here don t suit you," I began ; but he 
 snaps in, " It ain t a question o work. If you amuse her 
 you re worth more to me n any other ten men ; but I have 
 some rights. I want to know what you think." 
 
 " Have you asked her ? " sez I. 
 
 " I m askin you," sez he. 
 
 " Well, I want you to understand at I ain t no spy," sez I, 
 glad of a way out. " I don t know all at s on her mind, an 
 I don t propose to guess ; and if I did know, I would n t tell 
 unless she told me to. If you know any way to make 
 me tell, why go ahead and I 11 stand by and watch the 
 proceedin s." 
 
 Well, he ranted up an down a while, an finally he pulls 
 himself down an sez, " Now look here, Happy, the s a dif 
 ference between a parent an anybody else." 
 
 " I own too to that," sez I ; " but what have I got to do with 
 it?" 
 
 " Well, you can sort of hint around until you find out 
 what s on her mind, an if it ain t somethin fit, you can tell 
 her so; because if it comes to a show down, she thinks I 
 ought to tell her anything she wants to know." 
 
92 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 "Well, hadn t you?" sez I. 
 
 " Yes, sometime, I suppose but hang it, it s mighty hard 
 to answer some of her questions, or to give reasons why 
 I can t answer em." 
 
 " Have you asked her what s on her mind this time ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 He fidgeted around a while, an then he sez, " Yes, I asked 
 her." 
 
 "What did she say?" sez I. 
 
 " She looked me plumb in the eyes, an said, Do you want 
 me to ask you what I want to find out ? ! 
 
 "What did you say? "sez I. 
 
 " Why, I said, Yes, Barbara, if it is something you ought 
 to know. " 
 
 " Well ? " I sez, after waitin a bit. 
 
 " Why, she flared up," sez Jabez, " an went on sarcastic 
 about it bein strange to her why girls was so much different 
 from other folks, an there bein so many things at they 
 was n t fit to know ; an finally she said to me point blank, 
 Do you want me to ask you what I want to know, an if I 
 do ask you will you answer? ; 
 
 " What did you say ? " I sez. 
 
 " I did n t know what to say," sez Jabez. " She looked 
 different from any way she had ever looked before, and 
 after a minute I sez, No, Barbara, I don t think you had 
 better ask me, an I don t think you had better think of it 
 any more. Don t you think I did right ? " 
 
 " No," sez I, " you did not. You simply side-stepped ; 
 you wilted under fire, an she hates a coward as much as you 
 do. Why did n t you face it right then ? " 
 
 " Happy," he sez, an his voice wrung my heart, " the s 
 things she 11 have to know sometime, but she ain t old 
 
THELETTER 93 
 
 enough to know em yet." He stopped, an his face grew 
 hard as stone when he went on. " But the s some things 
 that she never can know, an I don t want her to even learn 
 that there are such things. That s why you have to find 
 out what s on her mind." 
 
 " Now you know, Jabez, that I have my own ideas on what 
 I have to do ; but you tell me what kind o things there are 
 that she must n t ever learn, an maybe I 11 see your way 
 of it." 
 
 Jabez looked down at the ground, an the sweat broke out 
 on his forehead before he answered me. When he did the 
 was n t a trace of friendliness in his tone. " You have done 
 a heap for me, Happy, and if there s anything in the money 
 line that you think I owe you, why, name it an it s yours ; 
 but you can see for yourself that we can t go on this way. 
 I haven t asked you to do anything unreasonable and you 
 have refused point blank. I don t intend to explain myself 
 to one of my own men, and I don t intend to have an argu 
 ment with him every time I want anything done my way. 
 This is my ranch and as long s my own way suits me, that s 
 the only man it has to suit." 
 
 " Yes, you own this ranch," sez I ; " but you don t own 
 the earth, so I 11 move on." 
 
 " I have n t fired you," sez Jabez. " You re welcome to 
 work here as long as you want to ; but you 11 have to be like 
 the other men from this on. You ve been like one of the 
 family so long at we don t pull together any more, and so 
 if you stay I 11 have to send you out with the riding gangs." 
 
 I looked into his face and laughed, though even then I 
 was sorry for him. He led a lonely life, an I knew at he d 
 miss me; but we was both as we was, so I rolled up my 
 stuff, loaded up Starlight, an said good-bye to little Barbie. 
 
94 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 That was the hard part of it. She did n t cry when I told 
 her I was goin that would a been too girlish-like for her ; 
 she just breathed hard an jerky for a couple o minutes 
 while we looked in opposite directions, an then she said, 
 " How 11 you come back next time, Happy ? It s over three 
 years ago since you left that other time, an you came back 
 just as you said, ridin on a black hoss with silver trimmed 
 leather. How 11 you come back next time ? " 
 
 " I don t know, Barbie," I said, " but I 11 sure come back, 
 true to you." 
 
 " Yes," she said, " an I 11 sure be true to you, all the 
 time you re away and when you come back." 
 
 " Barbie," I said, " you have n t treated your father right. 
 You ve let him see that you re worryin about something 
 an it bothers him." 
 
 " I ain t made out o wood," she snaps out fierce. " I try 
 to be contented, but I get tired o bein a girl. I ve half a 
 mind to go with you, Happy." 
 
 " Yes, but the other half of your mind is the best half, 
 Barbie," I said. " Now I m goin to tell you a secret ; your 
 daddy is twice as lonesome as you are, and he s been through 
 a heap of trouble sometime. You miss the mother that you 
 never did see, but he misses the mother that he knew and 
 loved ; and I want you to promise to do all you can to cheer 
 him up and make him happy." 
 
 " I never thought o that before," said she, " I 11 do the 
 best I can but you 11 come back to me sometime, won t 
 you, Happy ? " 
 
 " I sure will," I said, an we shook hands on it. Then 
 I decided that I d leave Starlight with her. He was n t 
 as good for knockin around as a range pony, and I did n t 
 know what I d be doin , so I took my stuff off him, picked 
 
THELETTER 95 
 
 out a tough little mustang from the home herd, shook hands 
 with her again, an started. I glanced up toward old Savage, 
 and she read my thoughts. " I 11 take flowers to him now 
 and again," sez she, " and I 11 go up there and talk to him 
 about you ; and Happy, Happy, we 11 both be lonesome 
 until you come back ! " And so I kissed her on the lips, and 
 rode away the second time. 
 
CHAPTER NINE 
 
 ADRIFT AGAIN 
 
 WELL, I rode purty tol able slow. Some way I didn t 
 want to go back to the Lion Head Ranch. I knew at Jim 
 would be glad to see me, but I knew I d be lonesomer 
 there than among total strangers ; so I just floated, punchin 
 cows most o the time, but not runnin very long over the 
 same range. 
 
 It was just about this period that I begun to lose my 
 serious view o life and get more man-like. The usual 
 idea is that a boy is a careless, happy, easy-goin sort of a 
 creature, and a man is a steady, serious minded, thoughtful 
 kind of an outfit; but just the reverse. A boy starts out 
 believin most o what s told him an thinkin that it s his 
 duty to reform the world; an about the only thing he 
 is careless of is human life his own or any one else s. 
 Fact o the matter is that if you watch him close enough 
 you 11 find out that even in his games a boy is about the 
 solemnest thing on earth, an you have to know the game 
 purty thorough to tell when it drifts into a real fight. That s 
 why all wars have been fought by boys. They believe in any 
 cause at looks big enough to lay down their lives for, an 
 that s their chief ambition. A man, though, gets to see 
 after a time that the s most generally somebody up be 
 hind who s working the wires, an he gets so at he don t 
 want to lay down anybody s life, except as a last resort. 
 He looks favorable upon amusement, an after a while he 
 kind o sort o gets hardened to the fact that the whole 
 

 ADRIFTAGAIN 97 
 
 thing s a joke and he d rather laugh than shoot. Why, 
 I d be more afraid of a boy with a popgun than I d be of 
 a man with a standin army. 
 
 So as I said, it was just about this time in my life that 
 I begun to hunt up pleasant places to eat and sleep ; an 
 if I heard of trouble in the next county I turned out an 
 went around. I did a little of everything; even lugged a 
 chain in a surveyor outfit, but the was n t enough chance 
 in that. I got to have a trace of gamblin in anything I 
 do ; so the first thing I knew I was down in Nevada lookin 
 for the treasure at Bill Brophy had buried there. The 
 last of his gang had tried to describe the place, but his 
 description would have done for most any place in Nevada 
 she not bein what you might call free-handed in the 
 way of variety. 
 
 Well, I ranged around in the mountains between Nevada 
 and California, lookin for a flat-shaped rock with a moun 
 tain-peak on each side of it, an a cold wind sweepin up the 
 canon I don t know just how the cold wind got included, 
 but the dyin outlaw dwelt upon that cold wind something 
 particular. I stayed out purty late in the season, an if 
 cold winds was identifying Brophy had his treasure buried 
 purty unpartially all over the West. 
 
 I reckon I d have died if I had n t fallen in with Slocum. 
 Slocum was a queer lookin speciment when you first came 
 upon him. His skin did n t fit him very well, bein a trifle 
 too big, an wrinkled an baggy in consequence; his eyes 
 was kind of a washy blue, an they stuck out from his face, 
 givin him the most sorrowful expression I ever see. You 
 just could n t be suspicious of a man with such eyes as 
 that; he seemed to have throwed himself wide open an 
 invited the whole world to come an look inside. Why, 
 
 7 
 
98 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 a perfect stranger would have trusted Slocum with his 
 last plug of tobacoo, and like as not he d have gotten part 
 of it back. Well, as I said, I was headin for warmer 
 weather, but I got overtook an had about given up all 
 hope when I noticed the smell of smoke in the air. I was 
 walkin on foot an pullin a burro with a pack behind 
 me, an after a time I located that smoke comin right up 
 through the snow. 
 
 I yelled and shouted around for a while without gettin 
 any response. Night and the snow was both fallin fast, 
 an that smoke was exceeding temptin . Finally I took a 
 piece of burlap off the pack, put it over the hole where the 
 smoke was comin up through, an piled snow on top of it. 
 I was curious to see what would happen. I waited per 
 haps it was only five minutes, but it seemed that many hours 
 an then a low, calm voice, down somewhere beneath 
 me, sez, " Get off that chimney ! " 
 
 " I will," sez I, " when you tell me how to get to the fire." 
 
 I waited again, an then a man with a lantern emerged 
 into the cut about forty feet below me, an told me how 
 I could wind around and come down to him. Well, me 
 an the burro finally worked it out, an there was a man 
 with long whiskers standin in his shirt-sleeves in front of 
 a hole in the snow. 
 
 " You like to a smothered me," he grumbled. " Don t 
 you know better n to stop up a chimney that s workin ? " 
 
 " I wanted the chimney to work double," sez I, " an* 
 that was the only way I could think up to attract your 
 attention." 
 
 " Do you live around here ? " sez he. 
 
 " Not very much," sez I, " but I m minded to try it a 
 jvhile, if there s room in your burrow for two." 
 
ADRIFTAGAIN . 99 
 
 " Got any tobacco ? " sez he. 
 
 " Plenty," sez I. 
 
 " You re welcome," sez he. 
 
 We took the burro over to a clump of pine woods an* 
 turned him loose, an then I crawled in through the tunnel 
 to Slocum s fire. It was in a cave which had a natural 
 chimney runnin up the hill, an it looked considerable much 
 like Paradise to me. We ate an smoked together for a week, 
 an then one day our fire went out an a flood of water 
 poured down through the chimney. We worked like 
 beavers for a while, gettin our stuff outdoors, an it was 
 as hot as summer outside. 
 
 " That s the only drawback to this cave," said Slocum. 
 " It will be all to the good when the winter settles in earnest, 
 but it will be some bother while it s still snowin an thawin ." 
 
 I told him that I agreed with him to such an extent 
 that if I could locate the burro I d rather risk gettin back 
 to humanity than to dyin there of rheumatiz. I was 
 wringin wet through. 
 
 " Nobody can t die of rheumatiz around me," sez Slocum, 
 an he went to one of his packs an got out a piece of root. 
 " Chew this," sez he, " an it will drive the rheumatiz out of 
 your system." 
 
 Anybody would have trusted those eyes, so I chewed the 
 root for about a minute, an then I chewed snow an mud 
 an tobacco an red pepper for an hour, tryin to get rid of 
 the taste. Drive the rheumatiz out of your system? Why, 
 the blame stuff would drive out your system too if you 
 chewed it long enough. It was the tarnationest stuff at 
 ever a human man met up with. 
 
 " It s most too strong to take pure," sez Slocum, " but if 
 you grind it an put a small pinch in a quart of alcohol it 
 
ioo H A P P Y H A W K I N S 
 
 makes a fine remedy. Don t throw the rest o that root 
 away. There is enough there to do you a lifetime." 
 
 " Yes," sez I, " there is, an more." 
 
 A feller once told me that man was a slave to his en- 
 virament envirament is anything around you, scenery, 
 books, evil companions, an sech; well, a burro ain t no 
 slave to his envirament cause he generally eats it. My 
 burro was fat, an the clump of pine trees had mostly dis 
 appeared. I loaded up my stuff, shook hands with Slocum, 
 and started down the mountain. Just as I got fully started 
 Slocum sez to me, " I m sure sorry to see you go. I don t 
 generally get much friendly with folks any more, but I took 
 to you from the first, an any time I can do you a favor, all 
 you got to do is to wink." 
 
 "What s your general plan of occupation, Slocum?" 
 sez I. 
 
 "All that I ever expect to do for the remainder of my 
 days," sez he, " is to search for my Rheumatiz Remedy." 
 
 " Well," sez I, " any time you get to do me a favor in 
 that line, it 11 be when I m too weak to wink." So we 
 parted the best o friends, an I went on to a lumber camp, 
 where I put in the winter bossin a gang. I did n t know 
 much about lumber, but the men there was just the same 
 as anywhere else, an we got along fine. 
 
 I was bossin a little ranch up in Idaho next June when 
 I heard tell of a big strike in the Esmeralda range not 
 such a great distance from where I had spent the week with 
 Slocum. The report had it that a feller named Slocum had 
 located the big ace of gold mines, an I was some et up 
 with curiosity to see if it was the same Slocum ; but I was 
 needed at the ranch that winter, an as I took a likin for 
 the young feller who was tryin to make it go, I stuck to 
 
ADRIFTAGAIN 101 
 
 him, an it was n t until the followin July that I pulled out 
 an floated down that way. 
 
 Well, it was the same old Slocum sure enough. He was 
 the most onlucky cuss at ever breathed, I reckon. Every 
 time he had made up his mind to do something, Fate had 
 stepped up an voted again it. He had wasted the best part 
 of his life locatin gold mines at would n t hang out, until 
 at last even he got disgusted an went to huntin for his 
 Injun root to cure rheumatiz with. First thing he knew, 
 he had stumbled on a bonanza lode in the Esmeralda range. 
 This here lode was a peach. Ten-foot face on top, just 
 soggy with gold an silver, an copper an tin enough to 
 pay expenses. It just looked as if they s said, " Now then, 
 there s Slocum ; he been hammered so long he s got callous 
 to it. Let s jus see how he d act if we switched his luck 
 on him." An they sure done it. 
 
 Slocum, he scratched around until he see that it wasn t 
 no joke, an then he set bait for a couple o capitalists. He 
 trapped two beauties, an they put up the assets an went in, 
 equal partners. They sunk shafts an built stamp mills an* 
 smelters an retorts oh, they sure made plans to get the 
 metal wholesale. As soon as it began to flow in they built 
 stores an shacks an a big hotel they was n t timorous 
 about puttin their coin into circulation, you bet your life, 
 an it looked as if they was going to flood the market. 
 
 Well, Slocum, he owned a third of everything, mind, an* 
 his expression flopped square over like a dry moon, an* 
 stayed points up. He forgot all those years at he d been 
 havin the muddy end of it, an 7 after a time he got em to 
 call the mine " Slocum s Luck." The was n t no call to 
 hurl such an insult as that into the mouth of an honest, 
 hard-workin mine, an naturally, as soon as it was done, 
 
102 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 the mine laid down in its tracts an refused to give up 
 another ounce. 
 
 They came to a break in the lode an could n t find the 
 beginnin again. The same twist that had hove one edge 
 out of the ground had un jointed the other. But they had 
 got out a tidy sum already, an they knew the must be 
 a loose end somewhere, so they was anxious to keep their 
 outfit in good order. 
 
 Slocum hadn t swelled clear out of shape with his new 
 fortune, an when I made myself known to him he had 
 give me a purty tol able decent sort of a job, where there 
 was more bossin an responsibility than brute labor; an 
 I felt kindly toward him. Winter lasted full four months 
 out there. It was a good ninety miles to the railroad, an 
 so when the mornin s begun to get frosty every one else 
 scooted for humanity, an I, bein more or less weak-minded, 
 took the job o watchman, at forty a month an my needin s. 
 I always was a hog for litachure, so I got a bushel o libraries 
 an started in to play it alone. 
 
 The was n t a blessed thing to do, so I read em through 
 by New Years, an got out of tobacco by the first of Febru 
 ary. From that on I begun to think in a circle, an my 
 intellect creaked like a dry axle before the bluebirds began 
 to sing. Quiet? I could hear the shadows crawlin along 
 the side of the house. The snow was seventy-five feet 
 deep in the canons, so you might say I was duty bound 
 to stay there. As a general rule, I don t shirk breakin a 
 path, but when the snow is more than fifty feet higher than 
 my head, I d rather walk fourth or fifth. 
 
 When the outfit came back in the spring I was the entire 
 reception committee; but I bet the never was one more 
 able to do its part. 
 
CHAPTER TEN 
 
 A WINTER AT SLOCUM^S LUCK 
 
 THEY only brought out about half a gang that summer, 
 an they kept them probin around all over the neighbor 
 hood; but though they found enough stuff to about pay 
 expenses, they could n t get back on the main track. Both 
 the Eastern capitalists showed up along toward fall to see 
 what was doin , an when it came time to knock off work, 
 they tried to get me to repeat my little performance as watch 
 man. 
 
 I thanked em for their trustfulness, but I politely de 
 clined the honor. I told em at I was purty tol able quick 
 witted, an it did n t take me four months to study out what 
 I was goin to say next. But I compromised by sayin that 
 if they would give me two other fellers for company I d 
 stay ; otherwise they d have to rustle up some poor devil 
 at needed the money. They knew at I was reliable, so 
 they agreed ; an I selected out my two companions in afflic 
 tion. What I mostly wanted was a heap of variety, an 
 when the number is limited to two, a feller has to be some 
 choicy ; but I reckon I got the best the was. 
 
 There d been a little light-haired feller there all season, 
 kind o gettin familiar with labor, like. He was no account 
 to work, he could n t even learn to tie a knot ; but he talked 
 kin o blotchy, an it was divertin to listen to him. One 
 day we was kiddin him about bein so thumby, an he sez, 
 :< That s right, boys, laugh while you can ; but I 11 have you 
 all between the covers of a book some day, an then it will 
 
104 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 be my grin. I ain t swore no everlastin felicity to the holy 
 cause o labor; I m just gettin local color now." 
 
 Next day he fell into a barrel of red paint he was swobbin 
 on the hotel to keep her from warpin , an every blessed man 
 in camp passed out about six jokes apiece relatin to local 
 color. He never saddened up none, though, just smiled 
 sorrowful, as though he pitied us, an went on tanglin up 
 everything he touched. 
 
 An then there was another curious speciment there; a 
 tall thin feller, with one o them lean, chinny faces. He 
 claimed at he had been a show actor, but his lungs had 
 given out claimed he was a tragudian, but Great Scott! 
 he could n t even turn a handspring. 
 
 He said he was recuperatin , an he sure did hit his 
 liquor purty hard; but I never could make out what he 
 expected to get out of a minin camp, cause he was full 
 as useless as Local Color. About half the fellers you meet 
 strayin around out here are a bit one-sided, but we don t 
 care so long as they re peaceable. When you d guy this one 
 a little stout, he d fold his arms, throw back his head, an* 
 say, " Laugh, varlets, laugh ! Like the cracklin o thorns 
 under a pot, is the laughter of fools." This was the brand 
 of langwidge at flowed from this one, an he wasn t no 
 ways stingy with it. 
 
 Well, they had kept these two at boys jobs an boys wages, 
 an when I offered em the position of deputy watchmen, 
 they fair jumped at it. Said Local Color, " It will be a 
 golden opportunity to perpetuate the seething thoughts which 
 crowd upon my brain." Said Hamlet, " I thank thee, sir, 
 for this, thy proposition fair. In sooth I 11 try the cold-air 
 cure, and in the majesty of prime-evil silence, I shall make 
 the snow-capped mountains echo to the wonderful rhap- 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 105 
 
 sodies of Shakespeare." Well, the was a super-abundance 
 of cold air an prime-evil silence an snow-capped moun 
 tains, an I did n t care a hang what he did to em, so 
 long as it kept me from gettin everlastin sick o my own 
 company. 
 
 I never see any company yet at was n t a shade better n 
 just my own. I knew I could stand these two innocents 
 for four months, an if they got violent I could rope an 
 tie em. When everybody begun to get ready to pull out, 
 I took the twenty-mule team down to town to get our 
 needin s. I took the children along with me, an I sez to 
 em, " Now, boys, no drinkin goes up above through the 
 winter. We simply have to go out an get disgusted with 
 it before we start back." 
 
 Well, we sure had a work-out. On the sixth day Hamlet, 
 he throws his arm around my neck an busts out cryin 
 an sez, " Happy, it is the inflexible destiny o the human 
 race to weary of all things mortal, an I m dog-tired o 
 bein drunk an sides, I m busted." 
 
 It turned out that he did n t have any advantage over me 
 an Locals in this respect, so we went to the company store 
 an got three bushels o nickle libraries, enough grub to do 
 six men six months, enough tobacco to do twelve men a 
 year, an a little yeller pup at we give six bits for. I did n t 
 low to run any risks this deal. 
 
 When we got back most everybody had pulled out, an 
 the roads was beginnin to choke up. Slocum an the two 
 capitalists was there waitin for us, but when all their stuff 
 was loaded on the wagon the was n t room for the men ; 
 so Miller, the youngest capitalist, who was a bit of a high- 
 roller, an had been shakin up the coast off an on, he took 
 off four trunks, an sez to me, " Happy, if you run out of 
 
io6 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 clothes, here s four trunks-full." Then they hopped on the 
 wagon an left us alone in our glory. 
 
 I reckon, take it all in all, that was about the most florid 
 winter I ever put in, an it purt nigh spoilt me for hard 
 work. I did the cookin , the innocents did the chores, an 
 we got along as bully as a fat bear for a while, livin in 
 the hotel. The was a hundred rooms, but we did n t use 
 em all. Locals, he wrote most of the time, when he was n t 
 lookin at the ceiling an tryin to think. Hammy, he walked 
 barefoot in the snow, on hollered at the snow-capped moun 
 tains. I read nickle libraries, an we did n t care a dang for 
 the Czar of Russia, until along toward Christmas a spark 
 lit in my pile of litachure, an doggone near burned the 
 hotel down. Then we begun to feel snowed-in. Locals 
 had writ himself dry, Hammy was tired of listenin to him 
 self, besides havin chilblains up to his knees, an I was 
 half crazy, count of havin nothing to read. We didn t 
 have a nickle between us, so we could n t gamble, an I 
 resigned my mind that when spring climbed up the trail 
 the d be two corpses an one maniac in that cussed hotel. 
 
 One day Hammy came stalkin in to where me an Locals 
 was playin guess. Guess ain t never apt to be a popular 
 pastime cause it has to be played without any kind o 
 cheatin whatever. The one who is it, guesses what the 
 other one is thinkin of, an if he guesses before he falls 
 asleep, he wins. Well, Hammy, he breaks in on our game 
 just the same as if we had n t been doin anything at all, an 
 I knew by his action that the was somethin afoot. When 
 ever Hammy was ready to speak something, he always 
 walked like a hoss at was string-haltered in all four legs. 
 Well, he paraded up to us that day, hip action, knee action, 
 and instep action all workin , stopped in front of us, folded 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 107 
 
 his arms, an sez, " Good sirs, I have conceived a fitting 
 fete." 
 
 " The only fate I expect is to go mad an cut my own 
 throat," sez Locals; but Hammy frowned an went on in 
 a scoldy, indignant voice. " When Wisdom speaks, Folly 
 replies with jest; yet, having little choice of company, I 
 needs must make the best of what I have." 
 
 Well, those two had what they called a war of wits until 
 finally Locals hit Hammy with a chair, which was the way 
 most o their discussions ended ; but it turned out that what 
 Hammy was tryin to say was that we should open the 
 trunks, dress ourselves in the clothes, an give a show. 
 He said he knew parts to fit any make-ups we d find ; an 
 after Locals found out what it was at Hammy had schemed 
 out, he joined in enthusiastic, an said that if the had never 
 been a part writ to fit em yet, he could do it on the spot, 
 an he was n t swamped with business right then anyway. 
 " Yes," I sez, " it s a great idee, an we 11 sure draw a 
 mammoth crowd. We 11 charge em a library apiece an get 
 enough litachure to last us a hundred years." 
 
 " At best, sarcasm is out of season ; at worst, the season s 
 out of it," sez Hammy to me ; " and furthermore, good 
 friend, in life, as on the stage, your part must be a role 
 of actions, not of words." I used to say over the things at 
 this pair made up, until I had em by heart, an since then 
 I ve had a lot o fun springin em on strangers. They 
 used to speak to me as though I was a horse, and of me as 
 though I was part of the furniture. Hammy sez to me one 
 day, " Me good man, you do very well with your hands, but 
 kindly Nature designed your head merely for a hatrack." 
 They could say these little things right off the roll, an it 
 allus made me feel like a fish out o water, somehow, but 
 
io8 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 I stored em up in my memory, an I ve got my worth out 
 of em all right. 
 
 We did open the trunks a week or so after this and 
 clothes! Well, say, Miller sure was the dresser. The was 
 fifteen hats in a little trunk built a-purpose for em, an the 
 was all kinds of vests an pants an neckties at a feller 
 could imagine. But best of all was a book at we found at 
 the bottom of one o the trunks. It was a hard-shelled 
 book, an I never took much stock in that kind. When it s 
 my turn to read a book, a little old paper-back fits me out 
 all right. I Ve been fooled on them hard-shells too often ; 
 but this here one was a hummer. 
 
 I ain t no tenderfoot when it comes to a book, but this 
 one was sure the corkin est I ever met up with. I had allus 
 thought at " Seventeen Buckets o Blood ; or the Mormon 
 Widder s Revenge " was about the ex-treme limit in books, 
 but this here one lays over even that. It was called " Monte 
 Cristo," an had the darndest set o Dago names in it ever 
 a mortal human bein laid eyes on. I tried to mine it out 
 by myself at first, but pshaw, every cuss in the book had a 
 name like an Injun town, an the was about as many char 
 acters in the book as the is on the earth ; so I delegated 
 Hammy to read her out loud. This suited Hammy to 
 the limit, an he didn t only read her he acted her. 
 He d roar an screech an whisper an glare into your eyes 
 so blame natural that a feller never used the back of his 
 chair from start to finish, an* twice I was on the point of 
 shootin him, thinkin it was real. 
 
 If you ain t never read the book it 11 pay you to fling up 
 your job an wrastle through it. It starts out with a nice, 
 decent young feller sailin home to marry his steady, but 
 all his friends turn in an stack the cards on him, an get 
 
WINTER AT SLO GUM S LUCK 109 
 
 him chucked into the rottenest dungeon in France. He 
 knowed how they soak it to a feller citizen in that country, 
 an at first he was all for killin himself; but after he d 
 studied it over ten or twelve years, he suddenly heard a 
 queer scratchin noise. 
 
 In that same prison was another prisoner, an Abbey. An 
 Abbey is a kind of foreman priest. Well, this Abbey was n t 
 one to throw out a prayer an then set down to wait for 
 results, not him. He was one o these nervous, fretty 
 fellers what like to do their own drivin , an he makes him a 
 set o minin tools out of a tin saucepan an a bed-castor, an 
 runs a level from his own cell into Eddie s an that was 
 the queer, scratchin sound that made Eddie decide not to 
 kill himself. 
 
 By George, if I could find a prison what had an Abbey 
 shut up in it, the would n t be any way in the world to keep 
 me out. This Abbey, he cottoned to Eddie right from the 
 start, an durin the next few years they mine around in the 
 prison till she s as holey as a Switzer cheeze ; an durin 
 their leisure he edicates Eddie till he knows more n a college 
 professor. 
 
 Then the Abbey begins to have fits, an when all the 
 medicine at he could make out of old soot an sulphur 
 matches an such stuff is gone, he gives up an tells Eddie 
 where he has a little holler island, chuck full o diamonds 
 an money an such like plunder. Then he dies, an Eddie 
 gets in the sack. They chain a round shot to Eddie s feet 
 an hurl him off a cliff into the angry sea, an when it 
 comes to that part you can t hardly breathe ; but Eddie kicks 
 off the chain, rips open the sack, an when he strikes the 
 water he s a free man. 
 
 He swims along for a couple of days until he overtakes a 
 
no HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 smuggler, an he climbs on board an shows em how to 
 run their business accordin to Hoyle. He only stays with 
 em long enough to learn all their secrets, an then he gives 
 em the slip an goes to his little holler island. He pulls 
 off the top, an it s all so, what the Abbey told him. Then 
 he lifts up his hand an he sez, sez he, " I 11 be avenged! " 
 And he sure done it. 
 
 He did n t believe in none o your cheap little killin s. He 
 gives em all the range they wanted while he was fixin up 
 the cards; but when he was ready to call their hands, the 
 was somethin doin every minute, an don t you never forget 
 it. Oh, he was a deep one. It is creepy to think of any one 
 like him bein turned loose on the earth, cause a feller might 
 do somethin at did n t suit him, an the was n t no place you 
 could hide in afterward. He kept watchin all the while, an 
 nobody could n t commit a crime nowheres on earth but what 
 he knew of it, an he d go an call the feller over to one side 
 an say, " Young man, you are doomed to die; but if you 11 
 promise to do anything I want you to, I 11 give the Pope, or 
 the Emp rer of Chinee, or whoever the main stem happened 
 to be, a scuttle o diamonds an get you free what s the 
 word?" 
 
 Well, in a few years the was n t half a dozen criminals 
 in the whole world who was n t bound to carry out his orders, 
 an you can see what an outfit he had to back him up. Some 
 of em he d make his body-servants ; but that was n t no 
 snap, you can bet, cause he was notionable to a degree. 
 He d make plans for a little party, an he d send one man to 
 Siberia for a fish, an another to Asia for a fowl, an another 
 to Chinee for a bird s nest to make soup of an so on. 
 He never give his guests nothin to eat at growed in the 
 same country the feast was to be give in. 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK in 
 
 Then he d say to his steward, who had the hardest job of 
 all, " Bill " Bill was n t his name, but it 11 do " Bill, where 
 did I see that six-foot vase, made out of a single ruby?" 
 An Bill would turn pale an say, " It was in the secret vault 
 of the Ein prer of Chinee, your Excellency." Then Monte 
 Cristo, he d say, " Ah, yes, so it was. Well, go an get it 
 an have it here by the twenty-fifth day of next month." 
 Well, Bill, he d just about flicker out, an begin to tell how 
 it could n t be did ; but Monte, he d only look at him cold, 
 an say, "Never mind the details, Bill get the vase. If 
 you think you need the British Navy, why, buy it, but don t 
 bother me. It seems to me, Bill, at you ought to begin gittin 
 on to my curves purty soon. Good-bye." 
 
 This was the way he carried on. He d go to a prison an 
 he d say, " Young man, you was buried to death when you 
 was a baby, but I figgered I could use you later on, so I had 
 you transplanted. You come out o this prison, get an edi- 
 cation, an on the ninth o next June you show up at number 
 forty-nine, Rue de Champaign, Paris, at two fifteen p. M. 
 sharp. Here s a million francs to pay expenses. Don t be 
 a tight-wad the s plenty more." A franc is worth five 
 dollars, but he didn t give a durn for em. That was his 
 style. 
 
 He d come to town an buy a tenement house at would n t 
 rent, because it was haunted ; an he d tear it all down ex 
 cept the rooms at had been most popular to commit murder 
 in. Then next day he d run up a swell mansion around 
 these rooms big an gorgeous, like the Capitol at Chey 
 enne, with full-grown trees from all over the world, standin 
 in the front yard. Then he d give a party to all the substan 
 tial citizens who had once used those rooms to commit mur 
 ders in, an he d bring em face to face with the ones they 
 
112 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 thought they had murdered an it was comical to see em 
 fallin around in faints ; but Monte, he d pretend at he 
 had n t noticed anything unusual, an he d get em a glass 
 of wine an make em face the torture, till it gives a feller 
 a cold sweat, just to read about it. 
 
 You might think that a man runnin for congress in this 
 country has a hard time sinkin his reputation ; but the way 
 at Monte Cristo mined around in a feller s past was enough 
 to scare a cat out of a cellar. They don t run things over in 
 France like they do here; they make Counts an Markusses 
 an Bankers out of the bad men, an slap the innocent ones 
 into dungeons to keep em from gettin spoilt. But this 
 did n t suit Monte for a minute ; so when he gets the gang 
 all settin up in front of him like a herd o tenpins he sez, 
 " Let her go ! " an you ought to have seen em drop. 
 
 He don t do none o the dirty work himself no more 
 prisons for him. He just goes around like a Sunday-school 
 director at Christmas time, while his enemies turn to an 7 
 poison an stab an mutilate each other in a way to turn a 
 butcher pale ; but his favorite plan is to make em go insane 
 an have their hair turn white in a single night. That got 
 to be his private brand. 
 
 Well, Hammy read the book to us so natural that we all 
 slept in one bed for company ; but it cheered us a heap, an 
 we begun to feel rich, ourselves, an talked about millions as 
 easy an natural as though we each had little holler islands 
 of our own. Miller was about my size, so at all his clothes 
 fit me like the skin on a potato. Hammy was a leetle too tall 
 an thin, and Locals, a foot or so short ; but they fished out 
 a couple of swell outfits too. 
 
 We found a lot of empty check-books, an used to play 
 draw, settlin at night by check. It was purty good fun for 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 113 
 
 a while until we woke up. Hammy owed me ten million 
 francs an Locals was into me for fifteen. I offered to give 
 em a receipt in full if they d give me their interest in the 
 yeller pup. As long as the pup had three bosses he would n t 
 mind no one, an I wanted to teach him somethin besides 
 eatin an sleepin ; but them two cusses would n t sell out at 
 the price. When I saw that a hundred an twenty-five million 
 dollars would n t buy two-thirds of a seventy-five cent pup, I 
 understood what the spell-binders mean by a debased cur 
 rency, an I felt hurt an lonesome again. 
 
 One day Hammy stacked himself in front of a window an 
 began to talk about the gloomy ghastliness of solitude, until 
 me an Locals could n t stand it no longer, an we heaved him 
 out into a drift. Under ordinary circumstances he would 
 have rolled his eyes, pulled his hair, an ranted around about 
 the base ungratitude of man ; but this time he looked up to 
 the sky an hollered, " Come out here quick ! Hurry up ! 
 Come on! " 
 
 We went out, an the was somethin a-floatin away up 
 yonder, lookin like a flyspeck on a new tablecloth. " What 
 is it?" asked Hammy. " Is it a bird?" asked Locals. 
 Under such conditions I never say nothin until I have some- 
 thin to say, so we stood an gazed. In about ten minutes 
 we all shouted together, " It s a balloon ! " 
 
 An by jinks, that s what it was. We hollered an fired 
 off guns, an after a while it settled down an lodged in a 
 tree. The was only one man in it, but he was dyked out in 
 Sunday clothes, an purt nigh froze to death. We fed an 
 warmed him, an he was about as much surprised at us as 
 we was at him. I was wearin a Prince Albert coat an a 
 high plug hat, Locals had on a white flannel yachtin rig, an 
 Hammy was sportin a velvet suit with yeller leggin s an a 
 
 8 
 
114 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 belt around the waist. After we had fitted him out with a 
 pipe he sez, " Gentlemen, I may possibly be able to repay 
 you at some future time. I am Lord Arthur Cleighton, 
 second son of the Earl o Clarenden." 
 
 When he registered himself thus, I see Locals an Hammy 
 open their eyes, an I knew at we had landed somethin 
 purty stately. 
 
 " I am pleased to meet you, me lord," sez Hammy, in his 
 most gorgeous manner. " I am Gene De Arcy. You may 
 have heard of my father, the multimillionaire." 
 
 Locals, he looked at Lord Arthur, an see that Hammy s 
 bluff had stuck, so he girded up his loins an sez, " Sir, it 
 gives me great pleasure to make your acquaintance. My 
 uncle, Silas Martin, the late copper king, has just died, 
 leavin me as his sole heir; an I have been seein a bit of 
 my own country, preparatory to a prolonged trip around the 
 world." 
 
 Lord Arthur, he jumps to his feet an shakes hands with 
 em, tellin em to just cut out his title, as he was a simple 
 Democrat while in the United States. 
 
 I hardly knew what to do. I did n t hold openers, an yet 
 if I did n t draw some cards an see it out I stood to lose 
 entirely. I had been corralin a heap o city langwidge since 
 I had been cooped up with Locals an Hammy, but my heart 
 failed me. I knew I was still some shy on society manners ; 
 but I also knew at the was a heap o bluffin goin on, so I 
 stuck up my bet an called. 
 
 " Artie," I sez, holdin out my hand, " you re the first lord 
 my eyes has ever feasted on ; but I like you you re game. 
 It ain t many at will own up to bein a Democrat these days, 
 not even in the secrecy of the ballot box, but here in Nevada 
 you re safe. Pa has just retired from business, leavin me 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 115 
 
 this little mine; but it only pays about ten million a year 
 now, so I ve made up my mind not to bother with it, but 
 to shut it down an go on a tour of the world with my two 
 friends here. I never cared much for school, so this will be 
 a good way to finish my edication. We was up here last fall 
 seein that things was closed in proper order, an waited for 
 the watchman to come up from below, when we expected to 
 drive down to our special train an start for Paris. But the 
 snow came unexpected, and the expected watchman failed 
 to come ; and here we are, with no food fit for a human, an 
 all our servants in the special train, ninety miles away." 
 
 When I begun my oration Locals and Hammy leaned for 
 ward, holdin their breath ; but when they see at I was n t 
 turnin out no schoolboy article of a lie, they settled back 
 with a long sigh, an I could tell by their faces at they were 
 takin pride in my work. They was about the best qualified 
 judges o that kind o work I ever met up with, an I 11 own 
 at I never felt prouder in my life an I did when Hammy 
 slapped me on the back as soon as I finished an sez to Artie, 
 " Me Lord, this is a typical American. He plans his life on 
 larger things than rules ; but you can depend on him yea, 
 though the heavens fall, you can depend on Jack here." 
 
 I was glad we did n t have any liquor there, or like as not 
 we d a burned the hotel down just for a lark. We was so 
 full of that doggone Monte Cristo book that we believed our 
 own lies as easy as Artie did, an begun to talk to each other 
 like we was society folks at a banquet. 
 
 But Artie was a good, decent sort of a chap, as common 
 as we were, when we got to know him. He never kicked 
 none on the grub, an his appetite was a thing to make prepa 
 rations for; but, as Locals said, his high descent came out 
 the minute he was brought face to face with work he 
 
Ii6 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 did n t recognize it. Now he did n t try to dodge it, nor he 
 didn t apologize for not doing it; he just didn t seem to 
 know the was such a thing. It never occurred to him that 
 the only way to have clean dishes was to wash dirty ones. 
 Hammy and Locals, those freeborn sons of Independence, 
 was glad an proud to have the chance to wait on him; 
 but I must confess that the day he sat by the fire with a pile 
 of wood within reachin distance, an let the fire go out, I 
 grew a trifle loquacious about it. 
 
 Hammy overheard me mutterin to myself in a voice at 
 could be heard anywhere in the hotel, an he drew me to 
 one side an sez, " Hush, presumptuous peasant ; for all you 
 know the blood of Alfred flows within his veins." 
 
 " That ain t my fault," sez I ; " but some of it will flow 
 down this mountain side if he don t begin stayin awake 
 daytimes." 
 
 Still, all in all, he was a likeable young feller an the ain t 
 no doubt but what he saved us from bein lonesome any more. 
 He said at this balloon had been exhibited in Los Angeles, 
 an he had got into it just for fun ; but the rope had parted 
 an he had been fifteen hours on the way. It was only by 
 luck at he had happened to have his overcoat along. 
 
 He had four or five newspapers, which he had tied around 
 his feet to keep em warm, but nare a library; so after we 
 had lied our imaginations sore for a week or so, we fell back 
 on draw, settlin by checks at night. By a dazzling piece of 
 luck Artie had his money in the same New York bank at 
 Miller had, so he could use our checks, an things began to 
 brighten. Three of us were playin for real money, an the 
 other feller thought he was it was genuine poker, an the 
 stiffest game I ever sat in. 
 
 Time did n t drag none now. Artie knew the game, an it 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 117 
 
 kept me in a sweat to beat him. White chips was a hundred 
 dollars apiece ; but we bet colored ones mostly, to keep from 
 litterin up the table. Spring began to loosen up about the 
 first of March, an by that time Artie owed me two million 
 real dollars. Locals an Hammy was into me for close to a 
 billion, but I did n t treasure their humble offerings much, 
 ceptin as pipe-lighters. We was keyed up to a high pitch 
 by this time, an was beginnin to get thin and ringey about 
 the eyes. Artie from losin , me from longin for the time 
 to come when I should start out to be a little Monte Cristo 
 on my own hook, an Locals an Hammy, from pityin Artie 
 an envyin me. 
 
 On the twenty-fifth of March a wagon-load of grub an 
 four men came out to get things started. I see em comin 
 up the grade, an I piked down an told em at I had landed 
 a good thing, an to just treat me as the boss for a few days 
 an I d make it all right with em. 
 
 When Artie saw the new men he turned pale about the 
 gills. He owed me close to three millions, an blame if I 
 did n t feel a little sorry for him. Still, I d played fair all 
 the while, an I lowed at the Earl o Clarenden could stand 
 it, and I needed the money a heap more n some who might 
 V won it. 
 
 When old Bill Sykes came in to report to me I was wearin 
 a plug hat on the back o my head an sportin a white vest 
 an* a red necktie, so I looked enough like the real thing 
 to make it easy for him to act his part. He came in an 
 blurted out, right while we was boostin up a jack-pot. 
 " That 11 do, me good man," sez I, " wait until this hand is 
 played." Bill, he took off his hat an* stood humble until 
 Artie had scooped in a hundred thousand dollars, an then 
 I told Bill he might talk. 
 
n8 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " The watchman was found froze to death, Mr. Hawkins," 
 sez Bill to me mighty respectful, " an your train waited until 
 two relief parties had been drove back by storms, an then it 
 pulled out for Frisco. We are all ready to take charge here, 
 an as soon as you wish you can drive down in the wagon an 
 telegraph for the train." 
 
 Bill backed out bowin , an we made plans to emigrate a 
 little. I promised Locals an Hammy a generous rake-off, 
 an we fixed to have a tol able fair time as soon as I cashed in. 
 
 Next mornin I found a letter addressed to Mr. John 
 Hawkins, Esq. Artie was n t around, but Locals an Hammy 
 was, so I opened the letter an read it. This here is the 
 letter. It s one o my greatest treasures. 
 
 "GENTLEMEN, You have all treated me fine an I hate to skin out 
 without saying good-bye but I have not the nerve. I have lied to you 
 all the time. I am not a real lord at all. My father was gardener at 
 Clarenden Castle an I was under groom at St. James Court. When the 
 younger son came to this country, I came with him but left him an be 
 came a waiter in New York City. I went to an excursion to Long 
 Branch an got to flirting with a widow just for pastime. She dogged 
 my life after that and my wife is something terrible so I took her and 
 came to Los Angeles. We was as happy as any one could be with a 
 wife like mine until the widow showed up. Then I stood between two 
 fires and either one of them was hell so I got into the balloon and cut 
 the rope expecting to drift over into Mexico. You are all rich and will 
 not need the money but I always play fair and I hate to skin out this 
 way; 
 
 "yours truly 
 "L. A. C. 
 
 " P. S. It was all I could do to keep from helping with the work 
 cause some of your cooking was rotten and you did not wash the dishes 
 clean but I knew if I worked you would not think me a real lord. I hope 
 some day I may be able to repay you for all your kindness." 
 
 I didn t say a word after I finished readin the letter. I 
 had fallen too far to have any breath left for talkin ; 
 
WINTER AT SLOCUM S LUCK 119 
 
 but Hammy an Locals unbosomed their hearts something 
 terrible. 
 
 " A murrian on the filthy swine ! " sez Hammy, after he 
 began to quiet down a little. " I would I had his treacherous 
 throat within my grasp, that I might squeeze his inky soul 
 back to the lower depths from whence he sprung." 
 
 " Hush, you punkin headed peasant," sez I. " The s just 
 as much of Alfred s blood flowin through his veins now as 
 the ever was." 
 
 T is not the money I have lost that makes me mad/ sez 
 Locals. " It s finding out that a man can become so degen 
 erate that he will impose upon the very ones who save his 
 life deceive them, lie to them ! " 
 
 " Oh, he ain t the only liar at was ever in this hotel," sez 
 I ; " an when it comes to the money you ve lost, that d be 
 a small matter to get mad over. He risked just as much 
 money as we did, an if he d a won, he would n t a won a 
 cent more." 
 
 After a while they grew more resigned in their langwidge; 
 but after we had driven down to town without finding him, 
 Hammy sez, " In sooth t is bitter truth that all the world s 
 a stage ; yet Fate, however cruel, never decreed that I should 
 play the second season, as servile server to a worn out mine 
 
 my health is all right again, an I m goin back where a 
 feller gets paid decent wages for makin a fool of himself." 
 
 Suddenly Locals gave a yell of joy and shouted, " My for 
 tune s made ! I can take this thing and have a runaway boy 
 and a lost orphan and a rich uncle and a villanous cousin, and 
 write the novel of the age about it." 
 
 " No, no ! " sez Hammy, catchin the excitement, " tragedy 
 
 make it a tragedy. It is for the stage! Think of them 
 lost without food and the balloon coming into sight ! Think 
 
120 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 of the scenic effects, the low music as the orphan kneels in 
 the middle of the stage and prays that the balloon may bring 
 them food; and then have the villanous cousin in the 
 balloon " 
 
 Well, they purt nigh fought about it, and they were still 
 at it when I left them. The tingle of spring in the air made 
 me wild to get back to the range again. I thought of little 
 Barbie and what a great girl she must be by this time. 
 I thought of the big-eyed winter calves huggin up to their 
 mothers and wonderin what it all meant. I thought of old 
 Mount Savage, and all of a sudden somethin seemed pullin 
 at my breast like a rope, an I drew down my winter wages, 
 an set out for the no th, eager as a hound pup on his first 
 hunt. 
 
CHAPTER ELEVEN 
 
 DRESS REFORM AT THE DIAMOND DOT 
 
 I VE heard it called Christian fortitude, an I ve heard it 
 called Injun stoickcism, an I ve heard it called bulldog grit ; 
 but it s a handy thing to have, no matter what it is. I 
 mean the thing that keeps a feller good company when 
 the s a hurtin in his heart that he never quite forgets. A 
 little child away from home an just sick to go back, a 
 man who has to grit his teeth an but no, the first expresses 
 the feelin better a child, homesick, but keepin a stiff 
 upper lip ; and it don t make much difference what the age, 
 that s a condition at nobody ever outgrows. 
 
 Well, all the years I d been away the was a little empty 
 sore spot in my heart that I could n t quite forget ; but I 
 never aired it none, an I don t believe I knew myself how 
 big it was, until I left Slocum s Luck behind me an headed 
 for the Diamond Dot. Then I spread a grin on my face 
 that nothin would n t wipe off, an I stepped so high an* 
 light that I was like a nervous man goin barefoot through 
 a thistle patch. I was headed for home; an even a mule 
 that gets dressed down regular with the neck-yoke gives a 
 little simmer of joy when he s headed toward home, while 
 a dog, well, a dog will just naturally joyful himself all 
 over when the trail doubles back on itself, an a dog ain t 
 no parlor loafer, neither, if I m any judge. 
 
 Why, for two years I had n t polished a saddle, an I 
 whistled like a boy when I pictured to myself the feel of a 
 hoss under me. The s somethin about feelin a hoss s 
 
122 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 strength slide into your legs an up through your body that 
 must be a good deal like the sensation a saint enjoys the 
 first fly he takes with his new wings. A little pop-eyed drug 
 merchant was out here on a tour oncet, an he asked me the 
 usual list of blame-fool questions, about what we et an 
 where we washed an if it did n t make us ache to sleep on 
 the hard ground, an so on. When I had made answers to 
 his queries accordin to the amount of information I thought 
 it wise to load him with, he shakes his head solemn like an 
 sez, " I do not see where you get any compensation for 
 such a life as this." 
 
 " We don t get any compensation," sez I, " but look at all 
 the hoss-back ridin we get to make up for it." 
 
 An there I was with the spring drippin all about me, the 
 plains standin beckonin to me on every side, just coaxin 
 to be rode over, an me walkin on foot with flat-heeled 
 boots on! 
 
 I had rode out on Sam Cutler s freighter to within twenty 
 miles o the ranch house, an I built a little fire an unrolled 
 my blankets ; but I could n t sleep. I just lay lookin up at 
 the stars an tryin to imagine what Barbie looked like an 
 whether Starlight was still at the ranch, an every now an 
 again I tried to decide as to whether I d grin or be haughty 
 when I first spied Jabez. I was some anxious to come upon 
 Barbie first. I knew she d be glad to see me, but I was 
 rather leery about Jabez. He would a welcomed a projical 
 son of his own as often as occasion offered, but he wasn t 
 just the sort of a man to be a public welcomer. I could n t 
 picture him puttin up a sign savin , " Projical sons turn to 
 the left. If chicken is preferred to veal, shoot in the air 
 twice when you get within a mile of the house." 
 
 But I was too much elated to worry much, an along about 
 
DRESSREFORM 123 
 
 one o clock I rolled up my blankets, kicked out my fire, an* 
 started to drill. When the sun rose I was in sight of the 
 ranch house, an the sun seemed to throw an arm around my 
 shoulder an go skippin along by my side an I did skip 
 now an again. 
 
 When I got about a mile from the house I came upon 
 Jabez, walkin slow an lookin down-hearted. He had n t 
 changed a mite in the five years in fact from what I 
 could see he had n t even changed his clothes ; so for a 
 moment I thought his sour look was the same ill humor 
 I d left him in ; an then I saw it was more serious, an 
 my heart stopped with a thump. 
 
 He looked up just then an we stared at each other without 
 speakin . " Ain t you dead ? " sez he. 
 
 " No I ain t," sez I. 
 
 " We heard you was," sez he ; " killed in a muss over at 
 Danders." 
 
 " I don t believe it," sez I, " an besides, I ain t been in 
 Danders for over seven years." 
 
 " Well, then, what made you stay away so long for ? " 
 sez he, sort o snappy. 
 
 " I don t remember you sheddin any tears when I left, 
 an I don t recall you beggin me to hurry back," sez I. I 
 was pleased at the way I was bein received an I meant 
 to make him show his hand. 
 
 " You know as well as I do that things allus go better 
 on this ranch when you re here." 
 
 " Yes," sez I. 
 
 " An you know at I don t like to beg no man to do any 
 thing ; but you ought to see that I know that you re the 
 usefullest man I ever had, an you oughtn t to be so fly- 
 uppity," sez he. 
 
124 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 " Now see here, Jabez," sez I, " you re one o the kind 
 o men who never own up at a man was fit to live until after 
 he s dead. You re like some o these Easterners they get 
 so everlastin entranced with the beautiful scenery that they 
 forget to water their ridin hosses. I don t ask no special 
 favors, but I ain t so mortal thick-skinned myself, an you 
 ought to learn sometime that there is hosses at work better 
 when they re not beat up an yelled at." 
 
 " Are you goin to stay this time ? " sez he. 
 
 " As long as it s agreeable all around," sez I. " Is 
 everything goin smooth?" 
 
 The down-hearted look came into his eyes again. " She 
 won t speak to me," sez he. 
 
 " You don t mean to say at you Ve gone an got married," 
 sez I, " or that you are tryin to ? " 
 
 " I ain t such a fool," he snaps. " It s Barbie, I mean." 
 
 " How long has this been goin on ? " sez I. 
 
 "This is the fourth meal," sez he; an he was so solemn 
 about it that I was some inclined to snicker, but then it 
 flashed upon me that when I left, the child was all het 
 up over the letter she d found in the attic, and I sobered 
 an sez, " Is it something at s goin to be hard to smooth 
 over?" 
 
 " I don t see how the deuce it s ever goin to be smoothed 
 over," sez Jabez, desperately. 
 
 " Would you feel like sort o hintin what it was about ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " Well, it s about the way she acts," sez Jabez. " Con 
 found it, Happy, she s the best gal child ever was on this 
 earth, I reckon, but she don t want to be one, an she won t 
 act like it, an she she won t dress like it. Every time I 
 argue with her she beats me to it, an I m plumb stumped. 
 
DRESSREFORM 125 
 
 Yesterday I told her she had to take em off an* wear dresses, 
 an she did ; but now she won t speak to me." 
 
 " You mean that you said that she was never to argue 
 with you again ? " sez I, indignant. 
 
 " No, I mean that I sez she must take those confounded 
 buckskin pants off ! She s big enough now to begin to 
 train to become a woman not a man." 
 
 I had to grin a little, but even though it didn t seem as 
 skeptical to me as it did to him, I saw he might be right 
 about it. Still, I was n t goin to take sides without hearin 
 all the evidence, so I sez, " Is she healthy, Jabez ? " 
 
 "Healthy?" he sez. "Why, that child could winter 
 through without shelter an come out in the spring kickin 
 up her heels an snortin ." 
 
 " Well, that much is in her favor," sez I. " Is she good 
 at her studies ? " 
 
 " Where you been that you have n t heard about it ? " 
 sez he. " Last winter she out-ciphered an out-spelt the 
 schoolmarm, an she fuddled up one o these missionary 
 preachers till he did n t know where he was at. She has 
 been studyin about all kinds o things, an she cornered him 
 up on the first chapter o Genesis. She lined out the school- 
 marm first, an the schoolmarm came an told me that she 
 was an infidel the ain t no sense in havin women teach 
 school, Happy. You can t reason with em an you can t 
 fight with em an they just about pester a body to death. 
 I don t see how Barbie stands it." 
 
 " Well, what did you do about her bein an infidel ? " sez I. 
 
 " I could n t do anything to the teacher except tell her 
 what I thought of her; but next Sunday I had Barbie read 
 to me the first chapter o Genesis. Did you ever read it, 
 Happy?" 
 
125 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Yes," sez I, " I read all of that book an most of the 
 next one. Me an another feller had a dispute about the 
 Bible one time, an he said it was the best readin the was, 
 an I said it was too dry. He read me about a feller in it 
 named Samson, who was full o jokes an the strongest man 
 ever was, I reckon, before he let that Philistine woman loco 
 him, an he read about another feller, just a mite of a boy, 
 who killed a giant with a slingshot in front of an army which 
 had made fun of him an was all ready to give in to the giant, 
 an he read me some poems about mountains ; an I had to 
 give in that the Bible was the greatest book ever was. That 
 was up at a little ranch in Idaho, an he was goin to read 
 it all to me an explain what it meant, he was full edicated, 
 this feller was, an had a voice as soft as a far-off bell, an an 
 eye that seemed to reach right out an shake hands with 
 ya, but one day when I was away a posse surprised him, 
 an though he potted two of em they finally put him out. 
 He left me his Bible with a note in it which said that he 
 had killed the man all right an that he would do it again 
 under the circumstances ; but he could n t tell a word in his 
 own defense count of mixin in a woman. We never found 
 out a word about it, not even where the posse came from. 
 Well, afterward I tried to read it alone ; but I could n t make 
 any headway. For one thing, the s too many pedigrees to 
 keep track of, an the names are simply awful. I don t 
 want to be profane nor nothin , but hanged if I think the 
 Children of Israel was square enough to deserve all the 
 heavenly favors they got ; so I finally gave up tryin to read 
 it. But what about you an Barbie ? " 
 
 " Well," sez he, " I d read the Bible clean through from 
 cover to cover an I never saw anything unreasonable in it, 
 so I thought I could set Barbie right without any trouble. 
 
DRESSREFORM 127 
 
 She read me the first chapter, an by that time I was rtmnin 
 for cover an yellin for help. The ought to be something 
 done about that book, it ain t right to try an raise a child 
 to be honest, an tell em that they must believe the Bible, 
 an then have em find out what the Bible really sez." 
 
 " Well, what about it ? " sez I. 
 
 " Well, it sez that the was light an darkness an evenin 
 an mornin on the first day; on the third day the was all 
 kinds o grass an herbs yieldin seeds, an fruit trees yieldin 
 fruit ; but the was n t no sun or stars until the fourth day. 
 Now how could you have evenings an mornings an grass 
 an fruit trees without sunshine ? You know that would n t 
 work, an when she put it up to me I simply threw up my 
 hands, an sent Spider Kelley with the buckboard to hunt up 
 this missionary preacher. He was long-haired an pius, 
 an when I saw him I felt purty sure he could straighten 
 it out ; but he was n t game. Barbie argued fair an square, 
 an he lost his temper an called her an infidel an a heretic 
 an a nagnostic; but she pulled a lot o books on him, an 
 he could n t understand em an blasphemed em something 
 terrible; but he see he was whipped, an just simply ran 
 away. I felt mighty bad about Barbie bein an infidel until 
 Friar Tuck came around. You remember Friar Tuck 
 the one they call an Episcolopian ? " Course I remembered 
 Friar Tuck. Everybody knew him an he was about as easy 
 to forget as a stiff neck though for different reasons. 
 Preachers are about as different as other humans to begin 
 with, but the women seem more unanimously bent on spoilin 
 em ; so as a general rule I wade in purty careful when I m 
 startin an acquaintance with a strange one, but I did know 
 that this here one was all to the right, an his time belonged 
 to any one who demanded it. This made him purty wearin 
 
128 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 on hosses, an when one would give out on him he d just 
 turn it loose an rope another thout makin any preliminary 
 about it; all the explanation a body got was just seein a 
 tired, stray pony eatin grass. The first time he tried that 
 game they gathered up a posse an ran him down; but he 
 pulled a Bible on em showin where he got his commission 
 from, threw a sermon into em at converted two an made 
 one other sign the pledge, an that put an end to any un 
 solicited interference in his line o work. He was a big man 
 with two right hands, an some one gave him the name of 
 Friar Tuck out of a book, an he was known by it the whole 
 country over." 
 
 I nodded my head : " Did the Friar get fainty about Barbie 
 bein a heretic?" sez I. 
 
 " No, he did n t," sez Jabez, " he just laughed when I 
 told him about it, an he an Barbie, they wrangled over 
 it for a long time; but he played fair. When he didn t 
 know the answer he owned up to it, an then he told her 
 that the Bible was written by a lot of different men, an that 
 the spirit of it was inspired ; but that the was n t any words 
 ever invented that could describe creation; because the 
 origin of life was a thing at man was n t wise enough to 
 comprehend, an that all the scientific books ever written 
 couldn t come any nearer to it than that first chapter of 
 Genesis, which had been written ages ago when the old 
 Earth was still in its childhood." 
 
 " How did Barbie get around this ? " sez I. 
 
 " Well, she did n t have much to say ; he did n t climb up 
 on a perch an call her names, he just sat there by her 
 side like they was both children together; an then he took 
 some of her books an explained things she didn t under 
 stand an pointed out things at other scientists did n t believe 
 
DRESSREFORM 129 
 
 in, an he actually said at he believed that after they had 
 examined the earth all over, inside an out with a magnifyin 
 glass, every last scientist the was would be willin to admit 
 that it must have been created some way or another ; and 
 that we d all be the better for the work these scientists was 
 doin , but that she must n t confuse the word with the 
 spirit, for it was the spirit which giveth life. He s an A I 
 man, Friar Tuck is ; but when I offered him twice as much 
 a year as he s gettin to stay an teach her, he just laughed 
 again, an said that I was n t in no position to double the 
 kind o wages he was workin for. I was a little put out 
 at this, but Barbie said he was talkin in parables." 
 
 " Was she wearin the buckskin pants when he was here? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " Yes, she was, an I did n t much like the way he acted 
 about that. At first he thought she was a boy, an it made 
 me hot ; but he sez to me, Did n t God create man first ? 
 I owned up that he did. Well, then, said he, let this child 
 develop the man side of her first, so that she may have 
 strength an courage for all her journey. Everything that 
 man sez has the ring o truth in it, an I did n t have much of 
 a come-back, except to say that she was overdoing it. He 
 called Barbie over to him an looked into her eyes an put 
 his big hand on her head an afterward he sez to me, You 
 need n t worry ; soon enough a soul which is all woman will 
 stand before you and ask questions which will make you 
 long for these days back again. Give her all the time she 
 will take. " 
 
 "What else did he say?" sez I. 
 
 " Well, he asked me if I had ever noticed a litter of pups. 
 I said I had, and he wanted to know if the was much dif 
 ference in the way they played. I owned up that the was n t. 
 
 9 
 
130 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Then he looked sort o worried an asked me if I had ever 
 found any of em to get their sex mixed up bad enough to 
 have the tangle last through life. I had to admit that I 
 never had, an he laughed at me good an proper but his 
 laughs never hurt. I did n t mind about her wearin the 
 buckskins after that so much." 
 
 " Well, then, what made you rear up about em yester 
 day?" sez I. 
 
 " I hired a new man when she was out ridin , day 
 before yesterday it was, an when she came in he thought 
 she was a boy an kind o got gay, an she panned him out; 
 an he cussed her an she drew a gun on him an made him 
 take it back, an he might o taken some spite out on her 
 before he found out that she was a girl. She is too sizey 
 now, an confound it, leggin s an a short skirt ought to 
 satisfy any female but now she won t speak to me, an* 
 I can t go back on my order, so I don t see how we re goin 
 to straighten it out." 
 
 I pertended to be mad. " Jabez," I sez, " I do wish I 
 could come back to this ranch just once an find it runnin 
 smooth. Here I come all the way from Nevada just to see 
 it once again, an I find the boss an his daughter ain t 
 on speakin terms, an I have to stand palaverin for a solid 
 hour without anything bein asked about my appetite, an me 
 just fmishin a twenty-mile walk." 
 
 " By George, I m sorry ! " sez Jabez. " But hang it, 
 Happy, you ought to savvy this place well enough by this 
 time to know at no human ever has to set up an beg for 
 food. I m glad to see you cause the little girl does set 
 a heap by you, an you seem to have a way o straightenin 
 out the kinks. While you re eatin breakfast see if you 
 can t think up some way to get her to talkin again." 
 
DRESSREFORM 131 
 
 We started to walk to the house, an I sez, " Just what 
 was your orders about these buckskins ? " 
 
 " I told her to take em off at once an throw em out the 
 window," sez he. 
 
 "Did she do it?" sez I. 
 
 " She allus obeys orders when she drives me to issue em 
 
 but I allus get a sting out of it, some way or other. This 
 time I issued the order at the supper table, an she went 
 upstairs to her room, stuffed the suit full o pillows, stood 
 in the window, an screamed until me an the boys ran out 
 to see what was the matter. Then she threw the figger out 
 an we thought she had jumped, an I made a fool o my 
 self. It s playin with fire every time you cross her, but she 
 allus obeys orders. Still, it s tarnation hard to be her father 
 
 not that I d trade the job for any other in the country, 
 at that." 
 
 I had to chuckle inward all the way to the house, an 
 just before we arrived to it I purt nigh exploded. Here 
 come a figger, heavily veiled an wearin a shapeless sort of 
 a dress affair made out of a bedquilt an draggin behind on 
 the ground. It walked along slow an dignified, like some 
 sort of a heathen ghost, an when it came to a pebble in the 
 path it would walk around it an not step over, all the 
 time holdin a hand lookin glass to see that her toe did n t 
 show. I just took one side-eye at Jabez an his face looked 
 like a storm cloud at a picnic; but when Barbie see who I 
 was she tore off the veil, gathered up her skirts, an yelled, 
 " Happy ! Happy Hawkins, is it really you ? " 
 
 " I m ready to take my oath on it, madame," sez I, not 
 crackin a smile; "but if I might make so bold, who are 
 you?" 
 
 " Oh, Happy, we thought you was dead," said she, with 
 
132 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 a little catch in her voice that made me wink a time or two. 
 " Where have you been all these years, an why did n t you 
 come back to us ? " 
 
 She stood lookin into my eyes, half tender an half cross, 
 an I could n t help but try her out to see which would 
 win. " I did n t know for sure that I d be welcome," sez I. 
 
 " Oh, Happy ! " she sez ; an she threw her arms around 
 my neck an kissed me, an then we went in to breakfast. 
 I answered her questions between bites, an as soon as we d 
 finished I proposed we d go for a ride. " I have n t crossed 
 a saddle for two years," sez I. " Is Starlight here yet ? " 
 
 " Well I should say he is, and fat an bossy," sez she. 
 " The has n t airy another body but me rode him neither. I 
 divide my ridin between him an Hawkins, just ridin a 
 colt now an again to keep from gettin careless." Then 
 she stopped an looked down at the thing she was wearin 
 an said, sadly, " But I reckon my ridin days are over." 
 
 " Alas, yes," sez I, usin Hammy s most solemn voice, 
 " Old Age has set his seal upon your brow, an I can see 
 you sitting knitting by the fire for your few remainin days." 
 
 " Where did you learn to talk that way ? " sez she, quick 
 as a wink. So I told her of my winter at Slocum s Luck, 
 an she asked me a million questions about Hammy an 
 Locals. When I was through she sat silent for a while 
 an then she sez, " Happy, I m goin to see more o the world 
 than just this ranch some day." 
 
 " Well, the ain t much of it that s a whole lot better 
 an I ve seen it about all," sez I. 
 
 "You seen it about all?" sez she, scornful; "why, you 
 have n t seen the inside of one real house." 
 
 I glanced around, but she snaps in, " This ain t a house, 
 this is just shelter from the elements. I m goin to see 
 
DRESS REFORM 133 
 
 mansions an palaces, an I m goin to see em from the 
 inside too." 
 
 " Have you ever read Monte Cristo ? " sez I. 
 
 " No," sez she. 
 
 " Then don t you do it," sez I. " Your head s about as 
 far turned now as your neck 11 stand, an what you ought 
 to do is to learn how to cook an sew." 
 
 She looked at me with her eyes snappin , but in a second 
 her face broke into a grin. " The ain t a mite o use in 
 your tryin that," sez she. " You like me just as I am, 
 an you don t need to feel it s your duty to work in any 
 o that teacher stuff. Gee, but I m glad you came back ! 
 It looks as if me an Dad is in for a long siege of it this 
 time, an you 11 keep me from gettin lonesome." 
 
 " Not the right answer," sez I. " I m goin to leave to 
 morrow." 
 
 Her face grew long in a minute, when she see I meant 
 it. " Happy you don t really mean that, do you ? " 
 
 " Barbie," I sez, " I had to leave before, or take sides. 
 Well, you an the boss are warrin again; I can t fight you, 
 an I won t side again him. You don t leave me any 
 choice I just have to go away again." 
 
 " Oh, I don t want you to go away again," she sez. " You 
 allus find more in things than the rest of em ever do, an 
 I want you to tell me all about those two queer men you 
 spent the winter with, an to teach me just the way the one 
 you call Hammy used his voice. Happy, you just can t 
 go away again." 
 
 " I don t want to go away again," sez I, an I was down 
 right in earnest by this time, " but you make me. Barbie, 
 you are hard-hearted. You know that your father thinks 
 the world of you " 
 
134 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " He don t think one speck more of me than I do of him," 
 she snaps in. 
 
 " Yes, but he s different," I sez. " He s your father, an 
 he has to guide and correct you." 
 
 " Well, he don t have to throw in my teeth that I m a 
 girl every time I want to do anything." 
 
 " I m disappointed in you," I sez to her in a hard voice. 
 " I thought that you would be game, but you re not." 
 
 "What ain t I game about?" sez she. 
 
 " You re ashamed of bein a girl," sez I. 
 
 " I ain t," sez she. " I m glad I m a girl, an I want to 
 tell you that the s been just about as many heroines as 
 heros too. I don t mean just these patient women who put 
 up with things, I mean heroines in history. Look at Joan 
 of Arc!" 
 
 " I never heard of her before," sez I, " but I reckon she 
 must have been Noah s wife." She breaks in an tells me 
 the story of the French farm girl who got to be the leader 
 of an army and whipped the king of England an was fi 
 nally burned; an then, naturally, became a heroine an a 
 saint. 
 
 " She did n t wear boys clothes, did she ? " I sez, thinkin 
 I had her. 
 
 " Yes, she did ! " sez Barbie. 
 
 "Well, she ought to be ashamed of herself," I said; but 
 I knew I was gettin the worst of it, so I changes the sub 
 ject. " But speakin about the Ark," sez I, " there s an 
 other example of your obstinacy. When I went away from 
 here you was fussin with the school-teachers because they 
 said this whole earth was once under water, an now I 
 find you cuttin around an linin out missionary-preachers 
 because you ain t suited with the way the Bible was wrote. 
 
DRESSREFORM 135 
 
 It looks to me as if you ought to get old enough sometime 
 to realize at you ain t nothin but a child. Your father is 
 willin to give you a fair show ; he don t ask you to act like 
 a girl, all he wants is for you to look like one." 
 
 "If I have to wear a skirt, you know mighty well I 
 can t ride," sez she. 
 
 " You don t have to wear a thing like what you have on 
 now," I sez. " Why don t you get over your pout an be 
 sensible. He never asks you to humble yourself. All you 
 need is to do what he wants, an he 11 drop it at once." 
 
 " Yes," sez she, " all I need to do is to give up my inde 
 pendence an he 11 think I m a nice little girl." 
 
 " Why don t you figger out some kind of a dress that 
 would look like a girl s and and work like a boy s ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 She sat thinkin for a minute an then sez, " That 
 would n t be a complete surrender, that would only be a 
 compromise ; an I d be mighty glad to do it if the was 
 only some way." 
 
 " Where s that picture of the girl who whipped the 
 king? "sez I. 
 
 " She ran an got it, an it was a dandy lookin girl all 
 right, it looked a little mite like Barbie herself, but she 
 was wearin clothes at most folks would think undesirable; 
 they was made out of iron an covered with cloth. 
 
 " You don t want to wear any such thing as that, Barbie," 
 sez I, " it would be too blame hot, an that bedquilt thing s 
 bad enough." 
 
 " That s what they used to fight in," sez she. 
 
 " They must a been blame poor shots," sez I. " Why, 
 I could shoot em through those eye-holes as fast as they 
 came up, an she don t even wear any head part with hers." 
 
136 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Then an idea struck me : " But why don t you make a suit 
 like her outside one?" sez I. "It comes below her knees 
 an yet she can ride in it all right." 
 
 Well, we got old Melisse to help us, an by four o clock 
 the thing was done. We had used up some dark-green 
 flannel that Jabez had bought to have a dress made of, an 
 which she had kicked on. She took it up to her room an 
 I went out to find Jabez. I told him that she was always 
 willin to give in when any honorable way was pointed out, 
 an he was the tickledest man in the West. He went in to 
 supper four times before it was ready, but when it finally 
 was ready Barbie wouldn t come down. 
 
 Melisse went after her an come back sayin that Barbie 
 didn t feel hungry an was goin to wait until after dark 
 an then wear it outdoors. 
 
 " What nonsense ! " sez Jabez. " Here she s been wearin 
 regular buckskin pants, an now she fusses up about what 
 you say is a half dress. You go an get her." 
 
 I went to the head of the stairs an called her, an she 
 finally stuck her head out of her room an sez, "Happy, I 
 just can t wear this thing. It flaps! " 
 
 " Let it flap ! " sez I. " You re just like a colt gettin 
 used to a single-tree ; you won t mind it after the first hour. 
 Let me see how it looks." 
 
 She opens the door an stands with a queer new look on 
 her face, an her cheeks pink as wild roses. I had n t never 
 seen those cheeks pink up for anything but fun or anger 
 before, an it flashed upon me what Friar Tuck had told 
 Jabez ; an I was willin to bet that the time would come when 
 he d have full as much girl on his hands as any one man 
 could wish. 
 
 The waist part of it was loose an low in the neck an 
 
Barbie 
 
DRESSREFORM 137 
 
 came to a little below the knees where the leggin s be 
 gan. The upper part of the leggin s which you could n t 
 see were loose an easy. Her little legs looked cute an 
 shapely, an her smooth, round throat came up from the 
 open neck mighty winnin the whole thing was just right 
 an I sez to her, " Why, Barbie, this is the finest rig you ever 
 had on, an you re as purty as a picture." 
 
 Well, her face went the color of a sunset an she slammed 
 the door. " If I was your Dad," sez I to myself, " you d go 
 back to those buckskins to-morrow." I waited a moment 
 an then I began to make fun of her, and after a while she 
 came out with her teeth set tight together an we went down 
 to the dinin room ; but it was the first time I had ever seen 
 her take an awkward step. 
 
 " Now that s what I call a sensible garment," sez Jabez, 
 heartily, an then he begun talkin to me. Jabez had a lot 
 o wisdom when he kept his head, an by the time supper was 
 over Barbie was purty well used to the feel, an we all three 
 went for a ride; me ridin Starlight, Barbie, Hawkins, an 
 Jabez a strappin bay, one of Pluto s colts, an a beauty. 
 
 Well, I 11 never forget that ride : you know how tobacco 
 tastes after a man owns up that he was only jokin when 
 he swore off ; you know how liquor seems to ooz all through 
 you after you Ve been out in the alkali for three months 
 well, that first ride, after bein out o commission for two 
 years, makes these two sensations something like the affec 
 tion a man has for sour-dough bread. Oh, it was glorious ! 
 we all felt like a flock o birds hosses an all. In the 
 first place it was spring, an that was excuse enough if 
 the had n t been any other ; but two of us had gone into 
 that day not on speakin terms, an* now they were closer 
 than ever, an the third one had brought em together. The 
 
138 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 old sayin is that three s a crowd, but it took a crowd to 
 hold all the joy fulness that we was luggin that night, an 
 it was ten o clock before we turned around on the velvet 
 carpet an came swingin back to the house. 
 
 We had to finish with a little race, an I was rejoiced to 
 see that old Starlight had n t become a back number, even 
 though the bay colt did make it a mighty close finish. 
 
 As soon as we unsaddled, Barbie sort o whispered to me, 
 " I m awful glad you came back, Happy " ; an* then she ran 
 into the house. 
 
 Jabez shook hands an sez, " It seems to me, Happy, that 
 I ve been waitin for you for months. I hope to goodness 
 you don t fly up any more." 
 
 " I ain t goin to look for trouble, Jabez," sez I. " This 
 spot is the most homelike to me of any on earth; but I 
 don t believe I 11 turn in yet. I want to stroll around a 
 little." 
 
 I walked off in the quiet to the little mound where Monody 
 lay, an I sat there a long while, thinkin o the last time I d 
 come back. The night was unusual warm, an I hunted up 
 all the stars that I knew, an watched em as they dropped 
 down one by one behind the mountains. I thought of all 
 that Friar Tuck had said about the origin of life, an what 
 a nerve a child like Barbie had to even study on such a 
 subject. Then I dropped back to all the happiness I d had 
 that day, an the last thing I knew I was lookin into 
 Barbie s eyes an wonderin what made her face so pink. 
 
 It was the cold, gray dawn-wind that woke me up. 
 
CHAPTER TWELVE 
 
 THE LASSOO DUEL 
 
 THAT was a summer I love to think over ; but the was n t 
 nothin happened to tell about. I was a little soft at first, 
 but it did n t take me long to get my hand in, an I roped my 
 half o the winter calves. It had been a mild winter an* 
 the was a big run of em, an Jabez was in a good humor 
 most o the time. 
 
 The men mostly liked Jabez; but they used to talk a lot 
 about him, as he was some different from the usual run. He 
 had first come into that locality when Barbie was two years 
 old, buyin the big Sembrick ranch an stockin it up to the 
 limit. He never said a word about his wife, nor his past ; 
 an Jabez was n t just the sort of character a man felt like 
 pryin private history out of. 
 
 The men laughed a good bit about the time Jabez had 
 had with the Spike Crick school. He had a fool notion that 
 money was entitled to do all the talkin , an that s a hard 
 position to make good in a new country. After his money 
 had built the schoolhouse, they refused to elect him one o 
 the trustees; said it might lead to one-man control. Still, 
 Jabez was n t no blind worshiper of the law, an when he 
 found that they d put a rope on him, he just sidles in an 
 asserts himself. It was easy enough to convince a teacher 
 that the trustees was boss; but when Jabez began to get 
 impatient, the school-teacher generally emigrated a little. 
 Then they put a cinch on him for true. They hired a 
 woman teacher. When it came to bluffin a woman teacher, 
 
140 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Jabez got tongue-handled so bad that once did him for all 
 time to come. 
 
 But the was n t any difference of opinion when it came 
 to Barbie. The was n t a man on the place who was n t 
 willin to stretch a neck for her. She knew em all by name 
 an used to tease em an contrairy em; but she never hid 
 behind bein the boss s daughter. Any time they scored, 
 she paid, an that was the thing that made em worship her. 
 She had changed a lot in the five years I d been away ; not 
 only in size, in fact, that was the least noticed in her; but 
 she had more thinkin spells. 
 
 It used to be that she made up to every one right from 
 the start; but now she was a little shy at first, especially 
 with Easterners. Easterners generally are about as tanta- 
 lizin as it s possible for a human to get, but she had never 
 minded em much until this summer. Now she d answer 
 the first twenty-five or thirty fool questions polite enough, 
 but after that she got purty frosty an would ask em some 
 questions herself that would straighten em up right short 
 in their tracks. About every time an Easterner would pull 
 out I noticed that she d put a little wider hem on the bottom 
 of her skirt. 
 
 But she was purty much the same with me, an after the 
 Spring round-up she used to keep me ridin with her most 
 o the time when the wasn t anything actually demandin 
 my attention. It was just about this time that Jabez hired 
 a new man by the name of Bill Andrews. He was about 
 as near speak-less as a man ever gets, an he was n t much 
 liked by the rest of us; but he was a hard worker an* a 
 good, all-around hand, so he got along all right. 
 
 When the fall round-up came, Barbie surprised every one 
 by sayin she was n t goin to do any of the ridin , but would 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 141 
 
 wait until after we d got all the sortin out an brandin 
 done, an would then come out an see the whole herd in a 
 bunch. The was n t a thing the matter with her health an 
 we all wondered what was her reason; but I had my own 
 private opinion she was beginnin to find out she was a 
 girl, an she was n t quite used to it. 
 
 We finally rounded up in the big bend of Spike Crick, 
 an the stuff was in the suet, every one of em. Omaha was 
 supposed to be straw boss; but he was too easy-goin an 
 generally let the men do about as they pleased. Bill An 
 drews, the new man, had a sneer on his face about half the 
 time, an one mornin when I came in from night ridin , he 
 sez to a bunch o the boys : " I did n t suppose the parlor- 
 boarder ever risked any night dampness." 
 
 They all grinned, cause the was n t any jokes barred with 
 us ; but I did n t grin. I walked over to the group an I 
 sez : " Is the anybody else in this outfit that has any o 
 that brand o supposin about im ? " 
 
 "Aw sit down, Happy," they sez; an "What s the 
 matter, Happy ; you gettin tender ? " an such like things ; 
 but Bill Andrews continued to sit an grin, so I sez to him : 
 " As a rule, the last comer in an outfit has sense enough 
 to either use his eyes or ask questions. I admit that this is 
 a purty easy-goin place, they don t even ask where a 
 man comes from when they take him on, but I ve been 
 here off an on for some time, an I reckon that the boss is 
 able to figger out whether or not I ve been worth what I 
 cost." 
 
 "Yes," sez Andrews, slow an drawly, "the boss or 
 his daughter." 
 
 Three o the boys grabbed me, but Andrews never moved ; 
 so I let go of my gun an sez, " It seems at you re the kind 
 
142 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 of a hound at picks out a safe time to snarl but the 11 
 be other times." 
 
 " Any time you wish," sez he, " but I did n t mean what 
 you seem to think. I know well enough at the 11 never be 
 nothin between you an her the old man knows it too, 
 an you ain t kept here for nothin except to be her play 
 mate." 
 
 I was so blame mad I could n t see. I could n t speak. 
 I was so infernal het up that I choked an spluttered; but 
 when I got my hands on his throat I put my finger-prints 
 on his neck-bone. The boys had a hard time tearin us 
 apart, an a heap harder time startin Andrews goin again ; 
 but as soon as he was able to talk, I sez to him, " Now we 
 ain t through with this yet. I m willin to give you your 
 choice of settlements, but you sure have to settle some way. 
 How do you want to settle?" 
 
 He had black blood an he was a coward. It s the 
 hardest mix-up a man ever has to deal with. He jumped 
 to his feet, his face all twisted up in a wolf-snarl, but he 
 could n t look me in the eyes, an he finally tries to smile. 
 It s a weak, sickly affair, but it is a smile all right, an he 
 sez, " We 11 just compete to see which is the best man at a 
 round-up, an we 11 settle it that way. The ain t no use of 
 us makin fools of ourselves over nothin at all. I was just 
 jokin an I did n t think you d be so blame pernicious about 
 holdin down an easy snap; so as the ain t really nothin 
 between us, we 11 settle it that way." 
 
 I had been doin some quick thinkin while he was talking 
 an when he finished, I broke out laughin , " Why, you 
 blame rookie," sez I, " you don t really think I was mad, do 
 you? I see at you was only jokin right from the start, 
 but I wanted to do a little play-actin for the boys here. 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 143 
 
 That 11 be the best way of all to settle it see who s the 
 best man at a round-up." 
 
 He looked some relieved when he laughed an then he 
 rubbed his neck. I indulged in some hoss-play with Omaha, 
 an began to eat my breakfast ; but all the time I was thinkin . 
 I was thinkin several different ways too : first, was the some 
 truth in what Bill Andrews had said was I gettin to be 
 nothin but the playmate of a girl? Then I wondered if 
 Jabez had studied over it any I never had myself before. 
 I knew that he never cared nothin about my wages, knowin 
 that I had saved him more the night I brought Monody back 
 than he d ever pay me but I did n t want to be pensioned, 
 an I did n t care to be looked on as the ranch watchdog. 
 But the thing that finally came an refused to leave was a 
 question what right did I have to waste the best part of 
 my life loafin around with a child? The was a lot more o 
 these pesterin questions ; but they all finally perched on Bill 
 Andrews an made me want to blow him up with dynamite. 
 
 That was the swiftest round-up ever the Diamond Dot 
 had. Bill Andrews was a roper for true, an I don t believe 
 the was a man in the West at could touch me those days. 
 When me an Barbie would be out ridin I was always prac- 
 ticin with a rope or a gun, an I had a dozen foller-up throws 
 at I ve never seen beat. I did my work cleaner an more 
 showy n he did, but it could n t be done much quicker. We 
 finished three days ahead of the schedule an the boys said 
 it was a tie. I had roped twenty-six more calves n he had, 
 but they wanted to see us contest a little more, an they fig- 
 gered out excuses for him. The ain t nothin ever satisfies 
 a civilized human except a finish fight. He don t care a hang 
 for points. 
 
 Well, we did all kinds o fancy ropin , an I was a shade 
 
144 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 the better at all of it ; but those confounded cusses kept on 
 claimin it was a tie until I got het up a little, an sez at 
 we 11 have a lassoo duel an that 11 settle it, even among blind 
 men. This ain t all amusement, this lassoo-duel on hoss- 
 back, an I see Andrews look wickedly content. " Nothing 
 barred," sez he ; " we rope hoss or rider, either one." 
 
 " Sure thing," sez I. I don t know to this day whether or 
 not he really thought I was green, but anyhow, he thought 
 he had me at this game, an I saw in a moment at he had 
 trained his pony ; but he did n t have any advantage over me. 
 I was ridin Hawkins, an he had been dodgin ropes all his 
 life an liked the sport. We fenced for an hour without bein 
 able to land, an then he gets his noose over Hawkins neck. 
 Before he can draw it tight I rides straight at him ; his pony 
 has settled back for a jerk ; I gets my noose over the pony s 
 neck, a loop over Andrew s right wrist, when he tries to 
 ward it off his own neck, an then another loop over his 
 shoulders, pinnin the left arm an the right wrist to his body. 
 My rope was the shorter now so I sets Hawkins back an 
 takes a strain. I knew what was goin to happen when that 
 rope tightened he would be twisted out of the saddle an* 
 his right arm dislocated an he knew it too ; an he knew 
 that I was goin to do it. The boys was as silent as the ace 
 o clubs. 
 
 His face went pale an he looked at me with beggin eyes, 
 but mine was hard as stone. I hated him for all the devil- 
 thoughts he had put into my head, an I wanted to see him 
 twisted an torn. Then I just happened to see two riders 
 comin in from toward the ranch house. I knew by instinct 
 it was Jabez an Barbie, an just as Andrews started to twist 
 in the saddle I touched Hawkins with the spurs, rode up to 
 him, threw off the loops, put a smile on my face an shook 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 145 
 
 hands with Bill Andrews, while all the boys give a cheer. I 
 was pantin an tremblin , but I don t think it was noticed, 
 as I kept that smile as easy-goin an good-natured as a 
 floatin cork. 
 
 Well, I kidded with the boys until Jabez got through de- 
 cidin on what he wanted done with the different bunches, 
 an then when he an Barbie rode back to the house I went 
 along. I made sure to brazen it out as much as possible, an 
 not to give the impression that I was as het up as I had been ; 
 but I knew that Bill Andrews was well aware of what had 
 saved him. I also knew that he d hate me to the day of his 
 death but he d fear me to the last minute, an he d never 
 start but one more contest. 
 
 The Diamond Dot did n t seem so homelike after that ; 
 it was a heap easier to get the best of Bill Andrews than it 
 was to get rid of those questions ; but I tried to act just as 
 much the same as possible, only I did as much range ridin 
 as I could make seem natural. I supposed that Bill Andrews 
 would leave, but he did n t ; he stayed right along an he 
 worked hard an he never kicked. He was allus friendly 
 with me, but he did n t overdo it, an things went along 
 smooth as joint oil. 
 
 Barbie had gone through all the stuff they taught at the 
 Spike Crick School, an was studyin some advance stuff 
 with the teacher who was ambitious to finish her own edi- 
 cation. This was a big surprise to me ; I had allus supposed 
 that a teacher knew everything, but it seems not. The s lots 
 they don t know, an the front they put up before a pupil is 
 two thirds bluff. A naked body s a disappointin sight, but 
 I bet a naked soul would make a crow laugh. 
 
 All through that winter I was tryin to find an excuse to 
 quarrel with Jabez, but the was n t none. The was n t one 
 
146 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 hitch in the whole outfit except that I d lost my taste for it. 
 I could n t get it out of my head that one man had already 
 taken me for a child s playmate, an while I knew that this 
 particular man had other views by this time, I did n t know 
 how long it would be before some one else would find that 
 same idea gettin too big to keep under his breath; so the 
 very second that spring opened I hunted up Jabez one 
 mornin after I had given old Pluto a special good rubbin , 
 an after talkin a while about nothin at all, I sez to him, 
 " Jabez, I m goin to pull out purty soon." 
 
 "What for?" sez he. 
 
 " The ain t no chance on this place for a man to get on," 
 I sez. 
 
 " What do you want to get on for ? " sez he. Well, that 
 was a fetcher. The great trouble in debatin with a man is, 
 that he never flushes up the kind of an idea at your gun is 
 loaded to shoot. 
 
 " What does any one want to get on for? " sez I. 
 
 " I don t know," sez Jabez, kind o sad like. " It s been 
 so long since I wanted to get on that I can t remember what 
 fool notion it was that sicked me at it ; but it looks to me as 
 though you was doing purty well, considerin the way you 
 work." 
 
 There it was again. It was just for all the world as if the 
 watchdog had gone on a strike for higher wages. " Well, 
 you re right about that," sez I. " If I owned a place like 
 this, I would n t board a man who did n t do more than I do. 
 That s one reason why I m goin to travel on a little I m 
 gettin so rusty that the creakin o my joints sets my teeth 
 on edge." 
 
 " Poor old man," sez Jabez, sarcastic. " I saw you vaultin 
 over Pluto this mornin . You d better be careful, you re 
 
THE LASS 00 DUEL 147 
 
 liable to snap some o your brittle bones. I 11 have to put 
 you on a pension." 
 
 " Pension hell ! " I snaps. " I ve been pensioned too long 
 already. The ain t any chance for a man with get-up, over 
 a low grade coffee-cooler on this place, an I m sick of it. 
 I m goin to hunt up a job where it will pay me to do my 
 best." 
 
 " How much pay do you want, for heaven s sake ? " sez he. 
 
 " I don t want any more pay for what I m doin ," sez I, 
 " but I do want more opportunity. You don t keep any out 
 an out foreman here an " 
 
 " An it would n t make any difference if I did," he snaps 
 in. " It s allus best to get an imported foreman, an not 
 have any jealousy; but, confound you, I pay six men on this 
 place foremen s wages an you re one of em." 
 
 "Six? "sez I. 
 
 " Yes, I raised Bill Andrews pay last week. He does 
 more work than any of you, an he ain t all the time growlin . 
 He won t never have any friends either, so if I was to choose 
 a foreman he d be my pick." 
 
 " I was foreman of the Lion Head a good many years 
 ago," sez I, " an I built it up, an my work was appreciated ; 
 but I was a fool kid then. Now I m gettin along in years 
 an I don t intend to waste any more o my life." 
 
 " How old are ya, Happy ? " sez he, laughin . 
 
 " Well, I 11 be thirty years old before so many more 
 years," sez I, lookin full as indignant as I felt, I reckon. 
 
 " You re nothin but a kid in most things," sez Jabez, an* 
 his voice was so friendly that I began to cool. Then he said, 
 " Why, I never think of you like I do the rest o the boys, 
 though I rely on you a heap more. You ve allus been like 
 one o the family, like; an you an Barbie have played 
 
148 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 around together until most o the time I think of ya as about 
 the same age ; but if it s anything in the money line, why speak 
 out. I was a young feller myself once, an if you ve happened 
 to run up any debts on some o your town trips, why I 11 
 pass you over a little extra an take it out in laughin at you." 
 
 By George, he made it hard for me. One moment he d 
 tramp on my corn an the next he d scratch me between the 
 shoulders ; but the more he said the more I see that I did n t 
 have any regular place in the team ; I was just a colt play in 
 along beside, an it gritted on me something fierce. 
 
 " Jabez," I sez, " it s hard for me to explain myself. I 
 like this place an you know it ; but if you had a son o your 
 own, you would n t like to see him settlin down before he d 
 struggled up a little. I m old enough now to take a practi 
 cal view o life, an I intend to become a business man." 
 
 He tried not to grin, I 11 say that for him, but he 
 could n t cut it. " Why, bless your heart, boy, you never 
 will be practical, an as for business, you have about the 
 same talent for it as a grizzly bear. You enjoy life as you 
 go along, an you enjoy it full an free ; a business man don t 
 enjoy anything but makin money. You may be rich some 
 day, but it won t be from attendin to business. Now take 
 a lay-off if you want to, an get this nonsense out of your 
 system, then come back here. You know at Barbie misses 
 you every minute you re away." 
 
 " All right," I sez, " I 11 try it. I want to leave this place 
 once, the same as if we was both grown up, not as if we had 
 had a child s quarrel. I 11 go an I 11 take my lay-off by 
 bucklin tight down to business ; but if it don t seem to agree 
 with me, why, I 11 come back here an make a report." 
 
 " Now, don t stay away long, cause the little girl is lone 
 some for company, an as she sez to me the other night, 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 149 
 
 you re better company than any book, an you ve got more 
 intelligence than a school-teacher." 
 
 " Yes," I went on, " an I don t require beatin as often as 
 a fur rug, an my hair don t shed off as bad as a dog s, an if 
 I could just forget that I m a human bein I would n t be any 
 more bother than the rest o the furnishings ; but that is the 
 one thing that s on my mind just now I m a man, an it s 
 time I began to practice at it." 
 
 Barbie was n t quite so easy to get away from as Jabez 
 was. She could n t believe but what we d been quarrelin . 
 When you came right down to givin the actual reason for 
 my departure without mentionin any o the true cause, it 
 was a rather delicate project for a man who had n t no expe 
 rience in makin political speeches; an Barbie gave me a 
 purty complete goin over. 
 
 We talked it out for a week, but my mind was made up 
 to go an the was n t anything that could stop me, unless 
 it was mighty important ; an at last she stopped arguin an 
 just began to look sorry. That was .hardest of all. 
 
 " Happy," she sez to me one night when we was ridin 
 back from Look Out, " don t you think I m old enough now 
 to ask Dad about what that letter meant ? " 
 
 I turned an looked at her ; the sun was just about to duck 
 behind the ridge, an her face was in all its brightness. It 
 was a lot different face from that of the child who had asked 
 the question so long ago. It was serious with its question, 
 an it looked like the face of a woman. This was the first 
 time she had mentioned the subject since I d been back, an 
 I had n t thought she dwelt on it any more ; but I saw now 
 that it lay close up to her heart, an was the one thing she 
 never could ride away from. " I m purt nigh fifteen," she 
 went on. 
 
150 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Fifteen is a goodly age/ I sez, but not sarcastic. I 
 was thinkin of Jabez an myself that mornin , an won- 
 derin if age cut so much figger after all. " Do you an 
 your dad ever talk about your mother any more?" I asked 
 her. 
 
 " Not much," she said. " When one wants to know all, 
 and one don t want to tell any, the ain t much satisfaction in 
 talkin about about even your own mother. Don t you still 
 miss your mother ? " 
 
 " Well, I would n t like to tell everybody," sez I, " but I 
 sure do. Why, if the was any way on earth that I could go 
 back to her, I d sure go this very minute." 
 
 " At least you know about her. If I just knew about my 
 mother it would be all right. You can t seem to get close 
 to even a mother when you don t know a single thing about 
 her. If you know people well, you can tell what they d do 
 under any kind of conditions, an if you know what they have 
 done, an what they ve been through, you know purty well 
 what they are ; but when you don t know anything at all, it 
 makes it hard, awful hard." 
 
 I did n t have anything to say to her that would help, so 
 I did n t say anything ; an after we had ridden on a while 
 she said, " Happy, I don t want you to be a business man. 
 The Easterners that rile me up worse than any other kind 
 are the business men. They allus calculate how a thing could 
 be turned into money. Why, if one of em lived out here 
 he d put a cash value on ol Mount Savage. They allus make 
 me think o Dombey." 
 
 " What was th about that buckskin mustang to make you 
 think of a business man ? " sez I, thinkin she meant a little 
 ridin pony she used to have. 
 
 " I don t mean Dobbins," sez she, " I mean a character 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 151 
 
 out of a book. He was such a good business man that he let 
 most of life slip by him. I don t want you to do that." 
 
 " Well, I 11 try not to," sez I, " an it may be that begin- 
 nin late in life like I am, I won t become enough of a busi 
 ness man to get that way ; but the is one thing sure I m 
 through with my nonsense. I m not goin around playin 
 like a boy any more, I m goin to start in an stick to business 
 all this summer, an see what comes of it." 
 
 " Where you goin to start in ? " sez she. 
 
 "How do I know?" sez I. "I m just goin to knock 
 around till I meet up with a business openin , an then I m 
 goin to put my full might into it till I know the whole 
 game." 
 
 " I don t believe that s the way they do it," sez she. 
 " These ones that I ve heard braggin about bein business 
 men don t look to me as if they ever did much knockin 
 around. They generally have everything all planned out 
 when they begin, and then follow out the plans. Are you 
 goin to start in some town or go into a big city ? " 
 
 " Well, I can tell you more about it when I get back," 
 sez I. " I stayed three days in San Francisco oncet, but I 
 did n t like it it was too cramped up. I m thinkin o 
 headin that way though." 
 
 " Well, as soon as you ve give business a good fair try-out, 
 you 11 come back here an tell us about it, won t you ? " sez 
 she. The sun had dropped by this time; but I could still 
 make out her face in the twilight. The eyes were big an 
 soft an glisteny, the lips were parted an were tremblin a 
 little; it was a brave little face, but it looked lonesome. 
 Something began to tighten around my heart, an I did n t 
 want to go ; but I had put my hands to the plow, an I did n t 
 intend to back-track till I d turned one full furrow. 
 
I5 2 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Yes," I sez. " Honor bright, just as soon as I ve give it 
 a fair trial I 11 come back an let you know." 
 
 "You ll come before it snows if you can, won t you?" 
 she sez, an I nodded. 
 
 Well, for my part, I d rather quarrel when I m goin to 
 break any ties. I stayed for five meals after that, but they 
 was uncommon dismal. We all tried to act as if everything 
 was runnin to suit us, an we all made a successful failure 
 of it. When at last I was ready to leave, Jabez shook my 
 hand and said, " Now this is just a vacation, Happy. Have 
 your outing an then come back an settle down here. Do you 
 want to take your money with you, or leave it in the bank 
 until you decide to invest it ? " 
 "What money?" sez I. 
 
 He grinned. " Oh, you 11 make a business man all right. 
 Don t you remember givin me six hundred dollars after you 
 came back from the Pan Handle? Well, *>s been in the 
 bank ever since, an it s grew some, I reckon." 
 
 " Well, let her keep on growin ," sez I. " I m gom 1 
 learn the business before I invest in it." 
 
 "That s sense," sez he. "Did you ever have any 
 
 experience? " 
 
 " I was clerk in a restaurant once," sez I ; " but 
 like it an I don t reckon I 11 go into the restaurant business." 
 
 Barbie rode a long way with me, but we did n t talk much. 
 I don t suppose the ever was a time when we both had so 
 much to say; but we couldn t seem to say it, an when we 
 came to part all she said was, " Oh, Happy, I hate to see you 
 eo but I m sure you 11 come back in the fall." 
 
 I 11 come back as soon as I feel I can," sez I ; " an now 
 don t worry none yourself, an don t fret your Dad 
 don t forget old Happy." 
 
THE LASSOO DUEL 153 
 
 We shook hands long an firm, an her eyes seemed tryin 
 to hold me until I could n t look into em but I did n t kiss 
 her this time. We both noticed it, an we both knew at 
 while I was partin from her she was partin from her child 
 hood. Partin from anything at you ve been fond of is 
 mighty sad business ; and so I rode away again. 
 
CHAPTER THIRTEEN 
 
 BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 
 
 I FELT entirely different this time. I was n t smartin under 
 anger an unjust treatment ; I was goin out of my own ac 
 cord an because I had left behind me the carelessness of boy 
 hood, an was ready to plow an plant an wait for a crop. 
 No more gaiety, no more frivolity, no more heedlessness. I 
 was to scheme an plan for the future an not be led astray 
 by every enticin amusement that beckoned to me. 
 
 When I came in sight of Danders the second day, I did n t 
 inquire how my thirst was feelin no more thirst emer 
 sions for mine. The ain t any profit in that, sez I to myself ; 
 what I want to do is to ease this old skin of a pony along 
 until I can get a piece of money for him ; that s business. 
 
 I was n t much acquainted over in Danders, an I thought 
 it would be easy slidin ; but the first feller I met was a use 
 less sort of a cuss what had been punchin cows at the Dia 
 mond Dot the time the Brophy Gang tried to clean it out, an 
 he has to tell em who I am, an they had all heard about 
 me an Bill Andrews ; so at it was purt nigh impossible for 
 me to hold out. I apologized for not drinkin , an they let 
 me off; but the old Diamond Dot hand said he was broke, 
 an wanted me to shove him a little stake. 
 
 Well, that was sure a bad opening : " Business," sez I, 
 " don t let go one cent unless it s goin to grab another an* 
 fetch it back home ; " an I knew that all I gave this feller 
 would keep in circulation for the balance of eternity. Then 
 a brilliant thought struck me, an I told him I d give him 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 155 
 
 one fourth of all he got for the pony over ten dollars. He 
 looked at the pony an sez, " Who gets the ten dollars ? " 
 
 " I gets the ten dollars," sez I. " This is business : I own 
 the pony, I pay you wages to sell him, the more you sell 
 him for the more you get." 
 
 He looks at me a moment an then he calls a gang around 
 him an sez to em : " Here s a rich one, fellers. You see 
 this pony well, he was too blame old to herd geese with 
 when I was punchin cows over at the Diamond Dot, ten 
 year ago, an now Happy wants me to sell him, me gettin 
 one fourth of all I rake in over ten dollars an him gettin 
 the ten dollars. What do ya think o that for nerve ? " 
 
 Course they all laughed like a lot o guinea-hens, but I 
 knew that a business man has to overlook the inborn ig 
 norance of his customers, or else it s twice as hard to land 
 em ; so I just smiled polite. 
 
 " What is your first offer, men ? " sez my salesman. 
 " Who 11 give me a hundred dollars for this grand old relic ; 
 this veteran of a hundred wars ; this venerable and honor 
 able souvynier of bygone ages ? " Well, that blame fool 
 went on pilin it up while the crowd egged him on by offerin 
 two bits, an four bits, an six bits an a drink; an so on 
 until I was disgusted and turned it off as a joke, tellin the 
 blasted rascal to take the pony an try to trade him for a 
 night s lodgin . 
 
 He takes my saddle an bridle off an puts em careful in 
 the hotel, an then he takes the pony across the street an* 
 begins to rub him down. He rubs him a while an combs 
 out his stringy mane an tail with his fingers. Every now 
 an again he backs off an examines that pony as though he 
 was actually worth stealin . I couldn t make out what he 
 was up to, so I stood in front of the hotel watchin him. 
 
156 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Purty soon up comes a tourist what has been lurkin around 
 in the distance. 
 
 " What is the about that pony that everybody takes such 
 an interest in him for ? " sez he, glancin over to where us 
 fellers was gawkin . 
 
 " Don t you know ? " sez the feller, in surprise. I can t 
 quite recall his name now, but I think it was Bill. Anyhow, 
 most fellers names is Bill, so we 11 call him Bill. " Don t 
 you know who this pony is ? " sez Bill. 
 
 " Why no," sez the tourist. " I just arrive,d this mornin , 
 an I m waitin for my uncle to send in after me." 
 
 " Is that so? " sez Bill. " Well, I 11 bet your uncle knows 
 who this pony is. This pony is Captain. Who is your 
 uncle?" 
 
 " Why, my uncle is Charles W. Hampton," sez the 
 tourist. 
 
 " You don t say ! " sez Bill. " Well, Cholly knows who 
 Captain is all right." 
 
 " Oh, do you know him ? " sez the tourist. 
 
 " Why, everybody knows him around here," sez Bill. 
 
 " That s funny ; they told me he lived over a hundred and 
 forty miles from here," sez the tourist. " But what is the 
 about Captain that makes him so wonderful ? He don t look 
 like much of a pony to me." 
 
 Bill looks at the pony and then he looks at the tourist, then 
 he looks at the pony again an sez in a low voice : " It ain t 
 on his looks, it s for what he s done that makes Captain 
 famous." 
 
 " What s he done? " sez the tourist. 
 
 "Did you ever hear of Custer s massacre?" sez Bill. 
 
 " Of course I have," sez the tourist, gettin interested. 
 
 Bill, he walks up an puts his hand on the pony s neck, 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 157 
 
 an then he turns an sez proudly, " This here pony is the last 
 survivin remnant of that historical event." 
 
 " You don t say ! " sez the tourist. " What are you goin 
 to do with him ? " 
 
 " I don t want to say a word again the flag of my country," 
 sez Bill, holdin up his hand, " but my country ain t got the 
 gratitude it ort to have when it comes to hosses. I don t 
 blame em for condemnin the common run o hosses an 
 sellin em to wear out their pore lives in in toilsome 
 labor, but when it comes to a hoss with a record like Captain 
 well, I kept him as long as I could afford it. Now I m 
 goin to give him a good groomin , spend my last penny in 
 givin him one more feed, an then take him out on the 
 broad, free prairie of his native soil an shoot him. Of 
 course I could sell him, but I won t do it. I d rather give 
 him a soldier s death than to have him hammered around in 
 his old age, after all he s done for his country." 
 
 Well, the tourist, he gets all het up over it, an then he 
 comes over to where us fellers gathered. We re standin in 
 solemn awe, an he sees the ain t any of it put on; but he 
 can t tell that it ain t respect for what the pony has done that 
 makes us so solemn ; he can t see at we re off erin up our 
 tribute to Bill. 
 
 " Do any of you gentlemen know anything about that 
 pony ? " sez the tourist. 
 
 " Who, Captain ! " sez a tall, lanky, sad-lookin puncher. 
 " Well, it ain t likely that you can find a man in the West 
 who would n t recognize that pony by the description. That 
 there pony was in the Custer Massacre." 
 
 " The gentleman what owns him is goin to shoot him," 
 sez the tourist. 
 
 " Well, perhaps it s all for the best," sez the sad one. " I 
 
158 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 ain t no millionaire, but I offered him thirty-seven dollars 
 for that pony. He doubted that I d take good care of 
 him, so he would n t sell him to me. He said he did n t 
 think I d abuse the pony when I was sober, but I 11 have to 
 own up that when a friend when a friend invites me to 
 have a drink, I can t say no an I got a darn sight o 
 friends in this country." 
 
 The ain t no use in draggin this out. After that tourist 
 had agreed to treat that pony like the saints of glory, Bill, 
 he finally sold him to him for an even fifty dollars an* 
 it was me that bought the liquor for the crowd. 
 
 I m good-natured enough to suit any one reasonable ; but 
 I own up I was sore. Here I d started out with the best 
 intentions in the world, with my mind all made up not to 
 be led into temptation or turned from a set purpose, an 
 what was the first result ? I had simply given my entire stock 
 in trade away to a worthless loafer, an had seen him sell it 
 for fifty dollars after he had made all manner of fun of 
 me for offerin one fourth of all he made over ten. Why, 
 the pony was worth seven dollars, an I could have sold him 
 for that money myself if I had n t let them laugh me into 
 showin off. Then to top off with, I d blown in about a 
 month s wages just to show the gang I was able to take a 
 joke when it was measured out to me. 
 
 I was ready right at that minute to own up that business 
 did n t come natural to me ; but I enjoyed myself plenty 
 enough until along toward mornin , an then the pen j alum 
 begun to swing back. I sat over in the corner kickin my 
 self purty freely, when a funny, twisted little man came 
 over an sat across from me. He had pink-like cheeks an* 
 shiny little eyes, an he was middlin well crowded with part 
 of the wet goods I had been payin for. 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 159 
 
 " It was one o the smoothest business deals I ever saw 
 put through on a small scale," sez he. 
 
 " Oh, hang business," sez I. 
 
 " Well, it s a hangin matter often enough," sez he. " Do 
 you know the reason why the s so much devilment in this 
 world ? " 
 
 " It s cause the s so many people here," sez I ; " that s 
 easy enough." 
 
 " It s cause the preachers ain t got the nerve to explain 
 what the commandments mean," sez he. 
 
 It was an awful curious little man, an I kind o straight 
 ened up an give him a searchin look : " I ve met a heap 
 like you," sez I. " Some folks think that preachers is paid 
 to make the world better, but they ain t. They re paid so 
 that when a feller s conscience hurts him he can just lay all 
 the sins of the whole world on the preachers." 
 
 " They deserve em," sez the little man. " What does it 
 mean to steal ? " 
 
 " Why, any fool knows what stealin is," sez I. " It s 
 takin something that don t belong to you." 
 
 " How can you tell what does belong to you ? " he sez, 
 leanin forward as if he was makin a point. 
 
 I looked at him an saw that he really thought he was 
 talkin sense, so I sez : " You go talk to some one else. I m 
 too sleepy an I m too blame sore to bother with such 
 nonsense." 
 
 " It ain t nonsense," sez he. " I m an edicated man, an 
 I been studyin life ever since I been born. My father was 
 a preacher across the water, an I got arrested for stealin 
 a bottle of whiskey when I was n t nothin but a boy. The 
 whole family was disgraced on account of me, an my father 
 told em to go ahead an give it to me hard. Now I stole 
 
160 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 that whiskey on a dare, an I stole it from a good church 
 member; but all the rest of my life I been stretchin that 
 there commandment until I tell you the whole human race 
 is one set o thieves." 
 
 Well, I was purty sleepy, but the little old man had an 
 eye in him like a headlight, an he just made you listen to 
 him. " The ain t no sense in your slingin mud that way," 
 sez I. " The s lots of men at would n t steal, if they had 
 a chance." 
 
 " If I ruin my constitution through depravity, is it steal- 
 in ? " sez he. 
 
 " No," sez I, " it s darn foolishness." 
 " It is stealin ," sez he, " just as much as if I help to waste 
 natural products what can t be replaced stealin from the 
 children of the next generation, an all the followin gen 
 erations." 
 
 " What rights have they got?" I sez, losin my patience. 
 " They ain t even born yet." 
 
 " Did you ever see a baby ? " sez he. 
 " Yes," I sez, " I bet I ve seen a dozen of em." 
 "Well," sez he, "was they polite? Did they beg for 
 what they wanted ? Did they have any doubt but that they d 
 be plenty of everything to go around ? " 
 
 " Not them what I saw," sez I. " They d give one little 
 coo, to see if any one was handy, an then they d holler an* 
 yell an scold an fuss until they got what they wanted." 
 
 " Do you suppose if they did n t have any rights they d 
 have the nerve to carry on that way? " sez he. 
 
 " Rights ! " sez I. " They did n t have to have rights 
 they had mothers." 
 
 Well, that set him back a good ways, an by the time he 
 had thought up some new stuff I was asleep ; but he shook 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 161 
 
 me awake an sez, "Of course the child s mother will do all 
 she can ; but supposin she ain t got what the child wants 
 how 11 she explain it to him ? " 
 
 " She won t bother explainin nothin to a baby," sez I. 
 " She 11 just send the old man out to get it." 
 
 He looked sort o disgusted like, as if he was n t used to 
 arguin with a man what could handle logic an make points. 
 " You re just like the rest," sez he. " What I mean is, 
 that every man who has ever been on earth is just sort 
 of an overseer for them what is yet to come. We have 
 the right to use everything we want in the right way, but 
 we haven t any right to waste it or destroy it, or hog it 
 up so that all can t enjoy it. Why, when you start to savin 
 an draw in what ought to be circulating you steal from 
 them what have n t had the chance at you ve had. It s 
 wicked to be thrifty." 
 
 " Well, you re the craziest one I ve seen yet," sez I, 
 laughin . " Why, if you had your way you d utterly ruin 
 business." 
 
 " Business ! " he yells, gettin excited. " Do you know 
 what business is ? " 
 
 I thought a moment. " I don t know all the is to know 
 about it," sez I, " but I expect to give it a fair good work 
 out before I m through with it." 
 
 " Business," he sez, leanin across the table an hittin it 
 with his finger-nail, " business is simply havin the laws 
 fixed so you can steal without havin to pay any fine. What 
 is business ? Ain t it figgerin an schemin to get away from 
 a man whatever he happens to have ? That s nothin but 
 stealin ." 
 
 " Confound you," sez I, " do you mean to say that just 
 because I m goin to engage in business I m a thief? " 
 
162 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 He looked at me a moment an then he shook his head. 
 " No/ he sez, " you won t never be that kind, you 11 be 
 some other kind; but that s about all business is just 
 thievery. Why, I once knew two men at was the best 
 friends at ever lived ; an they just ruined their lives cause 
 they could n t resist the temptation of each tryin to grab 
 all. It was over the Creole Belle " 
 
 "Yes, but she was a woman!" I yells, jumpin to my 
 feet, an leanin over the table. 
 
 " No, it was a mine," sez he, sittin still. 
 
 "A Creole is a cross-breed woman at came from New 
 Orleans," sez I ; " an when they re good lookin enough, 
 they call em belles." 
 
 " Well, this here mine at I m goin to tell you about was 
 called the Creole Belle," he sez. " For a long time it did n t 
 pay to amount to anything, an then it began to pay; an 
 the two friends got covetous, an first George had Jack 
 killed an then he gets killed himself by Jack s " 
 
 " No, he was n t killed," I snaps in like a blame fool. 
 
 The old man looked at me with his little shiny eyes all 
 scrouged up. " Who was n t killed ? " he sez, slow an cau 
 tious. 
 
 " Why, George Jordan was n t killed," I sez. 
 
 " What would a kid like you know about it ? " sez he. 
 
 " Well, I do know at he was n t killed," I sez. " I been 
 workin for him ; he don t live but a short way from here. 
 Tell me the whole story. I 11 make it worth your while. 
 Come on, what 11 you have to drink ? " 
 
 He leaned forward with his hand clutchin at his side, an* 
 his pink cheeks gray an twisted. He coughed a dry, short 
 cough, an groans out between his set teeth. " It s my heart ; 
 I got a bum pump. You tell George Jordan that I never 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 163 
 
 breathed a word of it, but that Jack Whitman Oh, my 
 God! Get me a drink of whiskey! Get me a drink of 
 hell-fire!" 
 
 He doubled up, grabbin an clawin at his breast while 
 I jumped to the bar yellin for whiskey. I grabbed the 
 bottle an hustled back to him, but he was all crumpled up 
 on the floor. We straightened him out an rubbed his 
 wrists an poured whiskey down his throat, an after a while 
 he opened his eyes. The minute his senses got back to him 
 he clutched at his heart again, rollin an writhin , an makin 
 noises like a wounded beast. " I knew it would end this 
 way," he gasped. " I m goin out now, but listen to what 
 I say " he helt his breath to keep from coughin " the 
 ain t no sin but stealin . Don t never take nothin that 
 don t belong to ya." 
 
 All his muscles grew rigid an twisted, an then a smile 
 came on his face an he sank back. They had the doctor 
 there by that time, but the was n t anything to be done, 
 except to give a big heathen name to what had been the 
 matter with him. There he lay on the bar-room floor; the 
 was filth an refuse all around him, but the smile on his 
 face was just plumb satisfied, an yet it was a knowledgeable 
 smile too. I could a cried when I thought that this man, 
 who could have told little Barbie what she wanted to know, 
 had wasted all that time tryin to convince me that business 
 an stealin was all one. What he knew would n t do him a 
 mite o good, wherever he was ; an yet the was n t any way 
 on earth to bring him back long enough to have him tell it. 
 
 They told me his name was Sandy Fergoson, an that he 
 was harmless crazy. He used to float around doin odd 
 jobs an talkin nonsense about stealin ; but nobody knew 
 where he had come from, so I chipped in a little something 
 
164 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 to help bury him, an gave up the rest of my money for a 
 ticket to Frisco. 
 
 I did n t enjoy that trip to Frisco; business did n t seem so 
 attractive when you once set out to find her, an then again, 
 I was broke. I don t mind bein broke when I m on the 
 range cause a feller can pick up a job anywhere; but I 
 was n t city-wise, an I did n t know how long it would take 
 me to track down the kind o business I wanted to engage in. 
 
 I suppose cities must suit some folks, or they would n t 
 keep on livin in em ; but cities sure don t suit me. I allus 
 had a kind of an idea from what Slocum had told me that 
 I d enjoy the bankin business, so I applied to the banks 
 first. They re a blame offish set, bankers. They did n t 
 laugh at me, leastwise not until after I d gone out, 
 but they did n t offer much encouragement. I tramped 
 around that city for four days, an by the time I finally got 
 located in business my appetite was tearin around inside 
 my empty body till I couldn t sleep nights. Oh, it was 
 not joyful ! I had taken the position of porter in a mammoth 
 big drygoods store, an I was some glad when noon arrived ; 
 but no one called me to partake of dinner, so I went up to 
 a young lad, an sez, " Where do they spread it ? " 
 
 "Spread what?" sez he. 
 
 " Dinner," sez I. 
 
 " I bring mine with me," sez he. 
 
 " Is the grub that rotten ? " sez I. 
 
 "What grub?" sez he. "You surely don t think they 
 serve meals here, do you ? " 
 
 " Do you mean to tell me that I got to find myself, 
 out of forty a month ? " sez I. 
 
 He started to make up a joke, but I looked too famished 
 to trifle with; so he explained to me that all we got was 
 
Happy 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 165 
 
 wages, an we could n t even sleep in the store. I was gettin 
 purty disgusted with business, but he told me that the man 
 what owned the whole store had started in as a porter; so 
 I went back an portered harder than ever that afternoon, 
 wonderin what in thunder kind of a man it was who could 
 save enough out of a porter s wages to buy a store like 
 that. I was dressed some different from the rest o the 
 folks around there, so I attracted a lot of attention, an 
 the was n t much I did that was n t enjoyed by more or 
 less of a crowd. When quittin time came I hustled up to 
 the feller what had hired me an told him I d like to have my 
 day s pay. " We don t pay until Saturday night," sez he, 
 hustlin out o the store. I stood on the sidewalk thinkin ; 
 an what I was thinkin of, was the nonsense at Sandy 
 Fergoson had been talkin . It did n t sound so foolish now. 
 
 The was a little restaurant across the street, an the 
 owner of it had noticed me washin the windows he had 
 seemed to enjoy it too. I went over an told him that I would 
 like to board with him if he would make me rates. He 
 sized me up an sez he would board me for six dollars a 
 week. I did n t see how I could save enough to buy a store 
 out of four dollars a week, an after I got tired o seein 
 the sights I d have to rent a bed somewheres too ; but 
 what I needed then was food, so I agreed. 
 
 I sat down an begun to eat slow, cause it s always best 
 to warm up careful on a long job. I et away peaceful an 
 contented until I got good an used to it again, an then 
 I kept the waiters hoppin purty lively. The proprietor 
 took a deep interest in me, an dodged around so he could 
 have an unobstructed view; while the rest of the guests 
 got to noticin too, an when they d finish they d just 
 stick around an keep cases, until after a whiJe things be- 
 
1 66 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 gan to jam, an every time I d order in some new food 
 they d make bets on whether I d be able to finish it or 
 not. When I finally quit, the proprietor came up to me 
 on a run an sez, "Are you sure you have had all you 
 wish?" 
 
 " Yes/ I sez, " an I ain t no fault to find with the cookin 
 either." 
 
 He eyed me all over, an then he drew me to one side. 
 " I don t want to go back on my word," sez he, " an I don t 
 intend to charge you a cent for this meal ; but Great Scott, 
 man, I would n t board you for six dollars a day, let alone 
 six dollars a week." 
 
 I did n t intend to let him know that I was stone broke, 
 cause it did n t seem the thing in a business man ; but I did 
 tell him that I hardly ever et quite so much as I had that 
 night. Still, he would n t take any chances, so I took my 
 blankets an went on. I was purty sleepy after my meal, 
 an it was just all I could do to stagger up an down the 
 hills, before I found a place to flop in. It was under a 
 little tree in a big yard, an I got out at sun-up cause I did n t 
 want any one to see a business man occupyin such quarters 
 as that. I did n t miss breakfast much that day, an I 
 went about my work singin an whistlin . Just before noon 
 I found a hundred dollars on the floor close to the door. 
 
 I asked every one around if they had lost any money, an 
 most of em said no, an them what had lost any an 
 the was a purty high average that mornin had all lost 
 the wrong amount, or else it was in a different kind of a 
 sack; so I knocked off at noon, went to a new restaurant, 
 an et a fair meal, which they charged me one dollar for. 
 I thought that was goin a little stout for a porter, but I 
 knew I d find a place where I could live on my income as 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 167 
 
 soon as I got better acquainted, an I was purty light-hearted 
 when I got back that noon. 
 
 i( You re nineteen minutes late," sez the floor boss. 
 
 " Is that so ; what s happened ? " sez I, pleasantly. 
 
 " You are not supposed to take more than an hour for 
 lunch," sez he. 
 
 " Well, you can just take the nineteen minutes out of 
 the time I saved up yesterday," sez I. 
 
 " You must understand right at the start that business 
 depends on method," sez he, sour like. " Mr. Hailsworth 
 wishes to see you at once." 
 
 Hailsworth was the capital letter o that outfit, an I was 
 glad o the chance to see him, cause the was some several 
 changes I wanted to make in the porterin department. I 
 follered the floor boss upstairs an back to a private room, 
 where a little wizen-faced old man sat up an looked at me 
 over his spectacles. " I understand you found some money ? " 
 sez he. 
 
 " I did," sez I. " Do you know who lost it ? " 
 
 " Well, no, not yet," sez he ; " but of course you under 
 stand that any money that is found in this building belongs 
 to the firm, unless its rightful owner claims it." 
 
 "Well that s a new wrinkle" sez I. "Why don t it 
 belong to me ? " 
 
 Cause you have hired your time to me, an whatever you 
 find here you find in my time, so it s mine. This is the 
 law, an I am very busy. Just hand it over at once." 
 
 That ain t right," sez I, " an I don t intend to hand over 
 a nickle of it." 
 
 Then we 11 have to arrest you," sez he. I put my hand 
 down to my leg, but both my guns was rolled up in my 
 blankets. " I m goin out to see a lawyer," sez I, thinkin 
 
i68 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 that would be more business-like than to tell him I d blow 
 the top of his head off. The was lots more things I wanted 
 to tell him, but it took most o my strength to manage my 
 self-control; an I allus like to have good footin when I 
 make my spring. I did n t feel at home, either, an that s 
 a heap. It kind o got on my nerves to see that little shrimp 
 squattin there behind his spectacles an tellin me what I 
 had to do, the same as if I was a hoss. I turned on my heel 
 and strode out o that store head up an I was some glad that 
 Hammy had taught me what strodin was, cause the rest o 
 the gang opened up a path you could a drove a street- 
 sprinkler through. 
 
 I did n t like the looks o that lawyer, he reminded me of 
 a rat. I don t care much for the law anyhow. All the law 
 is fit for is to take care o the weak an the ignorant an 
 they can t afford it. I ve noticed that much, the little time 
 I Ve been penned up in cities. This lawyer o mine had full 
 command o the kind o talk that bottles up a man an keeps 
 him from expressin himself. He said I had a good case 
 an that he would save me my findin s, but that I had to 
 give him half of it for his services in advance. If you 
 don t tell a lawyer the truth he can t fight your case; an 
 if you do you put yourself in his power. Course I don t 
 claim to be authority, but I just actually don t like the law. 
 
 When I came away from the law office, a nice friendly 
 feller got into conversation with me, an after I d bought 
 him a couple o drinks, he grew confidential an told me 
 his troubles. He was owner of a whole block of buildin s an 
 a lot o residence houses, but he was stone broke. He had 
 had a quarrel with the banks, an could n t raise a penny, 
 an he had lost ten thousand dollars the night before, gam- 
 blin . He said it would take forty dollars for him to go to 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 169 
 
 Los Angeles, where he had friends who would lend him any 
 amount. Otherwise they would foreclose the little mortgage 
 he had on the business block. 
 
 He talked along until I could n t stand it any longer, so 
 I give him the forty on the condition that I was to be his 
 collecting agent at wages of two hundred a month, as soon 
 as he got back from Los Angeles. 
 
 I went down to the station with him and then I hunted 
 up a place where I took board and lodging for a week at 
 six dollars in advance. This left me purt nigh two dollars 
 to go on until the real estate owner got back. I called 
 around at my lawyer s every day, an he told me just to 
 lay low an he d keep me out o trouble. When the sixth 
 day arrived without the real estate owner, I told the lawyer 
 about it an asked him if he thought anything might have 
 happened. He got awful mad an said he d ought to be 
 kicked for not chargin me ninety-five dollars for his services 
 in the first place ; an by Jinks that was the truth : that ras 
 cally real-estate owner was n t nothing but a flim-flammer. 
 
 At first I could n t believe that the block he had showed 
 me over did n t belong to him ; but when I did I was ready to 
 wreak vengeance. The lawyer said that wreakin vengeance 
 was n t a thing that paid in city life, but that if I ever met up 
 with that flim-flammer I could scare a lot of money out of 
 him. My lawyer was a purty good sort of a feller, after 
 all, an he gave me a lot of high-class advice. He told 
 me that it might be years before my case came up, an that 
 the was n t any use of me waitin around for it. Then he 
 talked about business, an he an Sandy Fergoson had about 
 the same ideas of it, though they used different words. He 
 told me that it was all right for a boy to start in in some 
 old business an learn the trade, but that the thing for a 
 
170 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 man to do was to get a start in a smaller town, an then 
 after he d learned the ropes to come to the big town an* 
 cut things wide open. 
 
 The more I thought over this the better it looked to me; 
 but I hardly knew where to start in. Then the thought 
 struck me that about the best business move I could make 
 was to go to Los Angeles an scare enough money out of 
 the flim-flammer to give me a good start in some little 
 business of my own. My board bein out an my cash bein 
 likewise, I had to travel on foot ; but as my back was pointed 
 toward Frisco, I did n t mind that much. 
 
 I trudged along for several days, an the was enough 
 people along the line to welcome me to my meals, so I 
 begun to get more resigned to bein a human again. The 
 farther I got from Frisco the nearer I got to Los Angeles, an 
 though I was some anxious to meet up with the flim-flammer, 
 I finally began to doubt if he was worth the bother, an 
 besides, he might not be there anyway. 
 
 I was beginnin to get good an sick of business; an I 
 was more than convinced that gettin a feller s own consent 
 to engage in it was n t the hardest step he d ever have to 
 take. Wayside friends was beginnin to get mighty scarce, 
 an I was feelin lonesome above the average one mornin , 
 when I came to a pause in front of one o these little six- 
 acre ranches where they raise lawn grass an fresh air. 
 
 It was a purty, restful sort of a place, with a double row 
 of trees leadin up to the house, an somethin seemed to be 
 drawin me in at the front gate, although I could n t smell 
 any food cookin , either. I only waited about a minute, an 
 then I followed the draw. 
 
 I m a firm believer in Fate. Fate is a funny word : leave 
 the first letter off, an it s the cause ; leave the last letter off, 
 
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 171 
 
 Barbie found this out one night when 
 we was discussin Fate. But I mean the sober side o Fate, 
 when I say I believe in it. A train starts out o New York 
 city just the same time that a fool cow puncher ropes a 
 pony so he can ride to town for a big time. The puncher 
 reaches the washed-out railroad bridge five minutes before 
 the train what do you call that? 
 
 I was thinkin o these things while I was walkin up the 
 drive-way; an when I raised up my hand to knock, I felt 
 just as if I d been sent for. 
 
CHAPTER FOURTEEN 
 
 THE CHINESE QUESTION 
 
 IT happened just like I thought it would. I had n t more 
 than struck the fourth or fifth tap before the door was 
 opened by the finest little woman you ever saw. She had a 
 worried look on her face, but when she saw me the clouds 
 rolled away an she smiled clear into my heart. She was 
 a real lady it stuck out all over her, like a keep-off-the- 
 grass sign. 
 
 " Are you the man ? " sez she. 
 
 " Well, I m one of em," sez I. 
 
 " You know I sent clear to San Francisco for a man," 
 sez she, " an I suppose you re the man." 
 
 " To tell you the honest truth," sez I, " I was so pre 
 occupied in Frisco that I clean forgot to stop around for 
 my mail, but as long as we re conversin on this subject, I 11 
 just be bold enough to say at I 11 take the job, without 
 askin what it is." 
 
 " Have you had a wide experience ? " sez she. 
 
 " Wide? " sez I. " Wide, only just begins to give you a 
 hint at it. I ain t filled with the lust of vanity, nor I ain t 
 overly much given to tootin my own horn ; but in my humble 
 an modest way I guarantee to be able to do anything on 
 this good, green earth at don t require a book edication." 
 
 " Can I trust you ? " sez she, lookin into my face mighty 
 searchin . 
 
 " If you sell me anything," sez I, smilin as near like a 
 baby as I could, "you ll have to trust me, cause I m 
 dead broke." 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 173 
 
 She just stood an looked in through my face; an I tell 
 ya, boys, I was mighty glad that in all this rip-snortin 
 world the was n t one single woman who could rise up an 
 say that I had n t played fair. She kept on lookin into me, 
 until I knew she was readin everything I had ever done or 
 said or thought, an the sweat was tricklin down my back 
 like meltin snow. 
 
 " Yes," she sez finally, " I can trust you." 
 
 " Don t you never doubt it," sez I. " All you need to do 
 is to issue the orders, an if I don t carry em out, why, just 
 tell the folks not to send flowers. I ain t long on talk, 
 but I 11 agree to carry out any plan you ve got, from ditchin 
 a limited to shootin up a Methodist Church. That s me," 
 sez I, " an now let s have the news." 
 
 Talk about bein surprised! I thought she had a fence 
 war on her hands at the least; but what she wanted me to 
 do was to take care of a gentle old pair o hosses, milk a cow, 
 tend a garden, cut the grass, an help around the house. 
 
 By the time she finished the program, I felt like a fightin 
 bulldog when a week-old kitten spits at him. Here I was, 
 willin to leave my hide tacked up on her barn, an all she 
 wanted was a kind of lady-gardener. I just sort o wilted 
 down on the steps, an I must a turned pale, cause she 
 said to me, " Why, you must be hungry. Have n t you had 
 your breakfast ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes," sez I, " day before yesterday." 
 
 Then she begun to rustle about an fix me up a snack, an I 
 was glad I had followed the finger o Fate. The bill o 
 fare seemed altogether adapted to my disposition. 
 
 While I was fillin up the chinks an crevices, she dealt 
 out a varigated assortment of facts. It seemed they lived 
 there on account o the health o the baby. Her husband 
 
174 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 had had to go East, an would be there some six weeks 
 longer. When he had left, she had an Irish cook, an a 
 Chinaman as polite as an insurance agent ; but as soon as he 
 was gone, the Chink began to take liberties, the cook packed 
 up her brogue an headed for an inhabited community, an 
 then the Chink concluded that all he saw was his n. She 
 finally took a brace a told him to hit the trail, an he had 
 gone off, vowin to come back an burn down the whole place. 
 This was her first year there, an the closest neighbor was 
 seven miles across country, an not well acquainted. 
 
 She expected her cousin in a week or so, but as it was, she 
 was beginnin to have trouble with her nerves. Then I 
 was glad that I had made her my little openin address, 
 cause she had joy fulled up like a desert poney when he 
 smells water. 
 
 Well, I put in a rich an useful day, as the preacher sez. 
 First, I rode one o the veterans over to the station about 
 ten miles away, an telegraphed the other man not to bother ; 
 then I came back an wed the onions, washed the dishes, 
 ran the washin machine say, I was bein entertained all 
 right, but every minute I felt like reachin to see if my 
 back hair was n t comin down. 
 
 Me an the cow had the time of our life that night. She 
 had missed a couple o milkin s, an did n t seem to care 
 much about resumin payment; so I finally had to rope an 
 tie her, an milk up hill into a fruit-jar. Talk about bein 
 handy ? I did n t know but what next day I d be doin 
 some plain sewin , or tuckin the crust around a vinegar pie. 
 
 That night after supper she put the kid to bed an then 
 came down, an we went around nailin the house up. Fi 
 nally she showed me where to flop. It was in her husband s 
 cave, I believe she called it a little room full o books an 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 175 
 
 pipes an resty-lookin furniture. The was a big leather 
 bunk, an that was where I was to get mine. Her room was 
 at the head of the stairs, an she had a rope goin over the 
 transom with a bell hangin to it, close in front of my door. 
 The bell was to be my signal if she heard the Chink attack 
 before I did. Just before she went upstairs she reached 
 into the bosom of her dress an fished out a real revolver, 
 about the size of a watch-charm. She held it in her hand 
 and looked into my eyes with her lips tight set. 
 
 "Are the mosquitoes as bad as that?" sez I. 
 
 " I carry this all the time, to defend myself an child," 
 sez she, rufflin up like a hen when you pick up her chicken, 
 an she was so earnest about it that I nearly choked, swaller- 
 in a grin ; cause honest, I could a snuffed the thing up my 
 nose. 
 
 I pulled a long face an sez to her as solemn as a judge, 
 " Is there enough food and water in the house to stand a 
 siege, in case the Chinaman d pen us up ? " Her face grew 
 drawn an worried until she caught the twinkle in my eye, 
 an then she broke into a smile an tripped upstairs like a 
 girl. I stood out in the hall a moment lookin after her 
 an I was mighty glad I had come. We was both in need 
 of company ; her mind was a heap easier than it had been 
 that mornin , an I felt better than I had for some several 
 days. I could n t see where Sandy Fergoson had told me 
 anything that would get me any nearer what Barbie wanted 
 to know ; an yet I could n t keep my mind off studyin 
 over it, except when I was busy. It was the same with Bill 
 Andrews, an I was glad to have some one new to worry 
 over until I got tuned up again. 
 
 As soon as she shut an locked her door, I backed into my 
 stall an looked about. The was some invitin lookin books 
 
176 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 on the wall, an I read over the titles, finally selectin one 
 called, " The Ten Years Conflict." Now, if ever the was a 
 name framed up to deceive the innocent, this here was the 
 name. I opened the book with my mouth waterin , thinkin I 
 was about to wade through two volumes of gore ; but it 
 started out to tell about the Church of Scotland, an I was n t 
 able to keep awake to even the beginnin of the scrap ; so I 
 started to prepare myself for the morrow s duties, as the 
 preacher sez. 
 
 After I had opened my roll an took out my guns, so I 
 could show em to her in the mornin an sort o cheer her 
 up, I shed my boots an proceeded to occupy my bunk. 
 Say, it was like floppin down on a tubful o suds. Springs ! 
 Well, you should have seen Uncle Happy bouncin up an 
 down. I reckon I went to sleep in mid-air, cause I was too 
 tired to remember whether I was a husky maid or a tender 
 man. 
 
 When I came to, I thought it must sure be the last day, 
 an that I had waited for the very last call. The dinner- 
 bell was a-knockin all the echoes in the house loose an 
 they was fallin on my ear-drums in bunches. I rushed out 
 into the hall an grabbed that bell by the tongue, an give a 
 yell to let her know that I was ready for orders. She opened 
 the door an came to the head of the stairs, an sez, " Hush- 
 shh ! Don t make any noise." 
 
 " Noise ! " sez I. " The ain t any left. You used up all 
 the raw material. What seems to be wrong ? " 
 
 " Fido has just been growlin ," sez she, in a low whisper, 
 " an I heard a noise out in the bushes." 
 
 "What shall I do?" sez I. "Come up there an toss 
 Fido out into the bushes, so as to kill two birds with one 
 stone?" 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 177 
 
 " No," sez she. "If you are willin to take the risk, I 
 wish that you would go out the front door an lock it after 
 you. Then look around careful and see if he is settin fire 
 to the house. Take my revolver an Fido, an do be careful 
 not to get hurt an don t kill him unless you have to." 
 
 " I won t kill him unless I see him, an he won t hurt me 
 unless he sees me first," sez I. " You better keep Fido an" 
 the gun. I don t want to be bothered with a couple o non- 
 combatants." 
 
 Fido was a little black woolly- faced dog, an he didn t 
 impress me as bein no old Injun-fighter. I went out an 
 chased a cat out o the bushes ; but did n t flush up a single 
 thing wantin to disturb the peace, except the goat. He 
 was the most frolicsome goat I ever see, an he about got 
 my tag before I heard him comin . I rummaged the place 
 purty thorough, an after tellin her that all was well, I 
 folded my wings an went to roost on the leather bunk again. 
 
 Twice more that night the clanging bell summoned me to 
 go forth an chase imaginary Chinamen, an then my patience 
 begun to get baggy at the knees. I wanted to be up in time 
 to gather the milk before the heat of the day, an I was a 
 couple o nights shy on my sleep already. The last time I 
 took Fido along an dropped him into the feed-bin, where he 
 could hunt Chinamen to his heart s content thout disturbin 
 my beauty sleep. 
 
 Our days flowed along smooth an peaceful; but most o 
 the nights I put in huntin Chinamen. No, I wouldn t 
 have killed one if I could have found him well, not all 
 at once. I got so I could churn an dust an do fancy cookin , 
 until if they d been any men in that locality, I reckon one 
 would have chose me to be his wife an then came the 
 cousin. 
 
 12 
 
178 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 She d been tellin me all about him it s miraculous the 
 way a woman s talk 11 flow after it s been dammed up a 
 spell. He was from Virginie an was goin to college to 
 study chemistry, whatever that is; an he was an athlete 
 an a quarter-back an a coxswain oh, he was the whole 
 herd, the cousin was. I begun to feel shy whenever I 
 thought of him. I feared he might arrive when I was 
 peelin spuds with my apron on, an he might choose to 
 kiss me. 
 
 I drove to the station after him; but nobody got off the 
 train except a nice lookin boy with outlandish clothes, an 
 a couple o trunks. After the train had pulled out, he sez 
 to me, " Can you tell me the way to Mrs. B. A. Cameron s ? " 
 
 " I can sight you purty close," sez I. " That s my present 
 headquarters. You you ain t Ralph Chester Stuart, are 
 ya?" 
 
 " You win," sez he, as though we had made mud-pies 
 together. " Come on, let s load the trunks an trip toward 
 where ther s a noise like food. I m troubled with what 
 they call a famine." 
 
 We drove along, an he was as merry as a bug an talked 
 a langwidge the like of nothin that I had ever met up with 
 before ; but I was tryin to fit his real size with my idee of 
 it. I had been lookin for a six-footer with bulgy muscles 
 an a grippy jaw. This pink-cheeked boy didn t look like 
 no athlete to me. He was so cute an sweet that I felt 
 like hangin a string o coral beads around his neck an 
 savin him for my adopted daughter. I had just concluded 
 to hand over the dish-washin right at the start, when he 
 fished up a pipe out of a case, filled it, an begun to puff 
 like a grown-up, an then I savvied that dish-washin was n t 
 one of his hobbies. 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 179 
 
 " Any sport here? " sez he. 
 
 "If you re good at dreamin," sez I, " you can have the 
 time of your life huntin Chinamen. I never see a place 
 yet where the huntin was so plentiful an the game so 
 scarce." 
 
 He got interested in a minute an told me he had a shotgun, 
 a rifle, an three revolvers. 
 
 " I wish I could write Chinese," sez I. 
 
 "What for?" sez he. 
 
 " So I could put up a sign warnin him away," sez I. 
 " Why, if we d all three get a chance at that Chinaman, 
 it d take me a solid week to clean him off the lawn." 
 
 dies an me got along fine. He was a game little rooster, 
 an his college stories used to tickle me half to death. I 
 never would have believed that a little feller could a been a 
 college athlete ; but Ches had got his pictures in the papers, 
 time an again. At college they race in a boat about the 
 size an shape of a telegraph pole, eight of em rowin an 
 the coxswain perched up behind, pickin out the path an 
 tellin the rowers not to think of their future, but to kill 
 theirselves right then if it will win the race. Ches sez that 
 the coxswain is the most important man in the boat. He 
 had a good deal the same views about the quarter-back, 
 in fact he took what they call a purely personal estimate 
 of life. 
 
 He showed me how to play football. It s pleasant pas 
 time, but too excitin for a frail thing like me. He gave 
 me his cap to carry, an told me to back off about twenty 
 feet, an try to run over him, or stick my stiff-arm in his 
 face or dodge him any way at all to get by. I backed off 
 an then I looked at him. He looked about as hard to get by 
 as a toadstool. 
 
i8o HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Now, Ches, I don t want to have your blood on my 
 head," I sez, " an if you ve just been jokin , why say so." 
 
 But no, nothin would do but I must run him down. I 
 never won much of a reputation for bein slow, an I weigh 
 one ninety when I m ganted down to workin trim. I took 
 a full breath an sailed into him. I intended to give a jump 
 just before I reached him an go clear over his head, but I 
 lacked the time. Just as I took my jump he gave a lunge, 
 wrapped himself about my lower extremities, an we sailed 
 up among the tree-tops. All the way up I was tryin to figure 
 out how it happened ; but when we struck the earth again, 
 I did n t care. I knew it would never happen again. I d 
 shoot first. 
 
 We lit on top of my face an whirled around a few times 
 an then sort o crumbled up in a heap, with him still shuttin 
 off the circulation in my legs. " Down ! " sez he, " an now 
 the ball is dead." 
 
 " I can t answer for the ball," sez I, " but I m about as 
 near bein in the coffin mood myself as I ever get at this 
 season of the year. What game did you say we was in- 
 dulgin in?" 
 
 " This is football," sez he. 
 
 " I m glad to know it," sez I, " so that in the future when 
 any one issues an invitation for me to play football I can 
 make arrangements for provin an alibi. If I had to play 
 a game like this I should choose to be the ball." 
 
 He was full o little ways like this an entertained me fine ; 
 but it was mighty hard to wring any useful work out of 
 him. He used to prune the rose vines, and now and again 
 he d do a little dustin ; but once when I had to bake sour 
 dough bread, I pointed out that the garden needed weedin , 
 an explained to him just what effect weedin had on garden 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 181 
 
 truck. He sez to me, " My motto is, Competition results in 
 the survival of the fittest. I ain t no Socialist." When I 
 asked him what this bunch of words meant, he told me that 
 he did n t know of any exercise at would do me so much 
 good as learnin to think for myself ; an that s all the 
 satisfaction I could get out of him. He was some like other 
 edicated persons I ve met up with : when you tried to get 
 him to do something useful, he d fall back on his book knowl 
 edge, roll out a string of high steppin words, an then look 
 prepossessed. 
 
 He was good about one thing, though : he just about took 
 the night trick off my hands, so that I begun catchin up 
 with my sleep again. He used to load himself down with 
 firearms an he and Fido would hunt Chinamen two or 
 three hours every night, but he never had no luck. Several 
 times the neighbors rode by an they told us that the was a 
 gang breakin into houses an stealin , but they could n t 
 seem to get any track of em. 
 
 One mornin I was tryin to find out what made the 
 sewin machine drop stitches, when he came runnin in with 
 his eyes stickin out like a toad s. 
 
 " He s been sleepin in the barn," sez he. 
 
 " Who the horse ? " sez I, thinkin it was one of his 
 jokes. 
 
 " No," sez he, " the Chinaman." 
 
 Well, I looked at him, an he explained how his suspicions 
 had been aroused, an that he had made a practice of stirrin 
 up the straw each evenin , an then each mornin would find 
 the print of a man s body; but that he had put tar on the 
 ladder without gettin any evidence. 
 
 I pricked up my ears at this, an turned the machine out 
 on pasture for a while. We went to the barn, an there, 
 
182 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 sure enough, was the print of a man s body. Then we 
 adjourned to the shade to hatch up a sub-tile plot. We 
 smoked an hatched until it was time for me to go in an 
 help with dinner. We was both thinkin hard, an finally 
 I sez, " Now, Ches, the craftiest thing for us to do, is for 
 me to cover up in the straw, an when he lays down, ex 
 plode my gun against his ribs." He had pestered me a 
 mighty sight, an I never was partial to em nohow. Ches 
 never made any reply ; he was what you call engrossed. All 
 of a sudden he leaps to his feet an slaps me on the shoulder. 
 
 " Happy," sez he, " are ya game? " 
 
 I looked at him a while, an then I sez gently, " Now look 
 here, Mister, I ain t no hero, an if you happen to have 
 any more college festivities to introduce, why I 11 own up 
 to a yellow streak a foot wide; but I don t recollect just what 
 day it was that any livin man accused me of bein down 
 right pale-blooded. If you got any hair-raisin projec 
 in your head, don t bother to break it gentle. Just tell it 
 right out, an I 11 lean up against this tree, so as not to 
 hurt myself should I faint." 
 
 " Well," sez he, chucklin like a prairie-dog, " I propose 
 we paint up the goat with phosphorus, put him in the barn, 
 an me an you get up in the trees to watch." 
 
 " What s the goat done? " sez I. 
 
 " The goat ain t done nothin ," sez he, " but he 11 scare the 
 Chink to death, an when he comes out we can shoot him 
 in the leg or something." 
 
 " No," sez I, " it won t work. The Chink knows the 
 goat better n we do ; an it 11 be the goat that 11 come out 
 an get shot in the leg, while the Chink 11 get away." 
 
 " Oh, rats ! " sez Ches. " He won t even know it s a goat. 
 Can t you see that?" 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 183 
 
 " Why won t he know it s a goat ? " I sez, gettin impatient. 
 " A Chinaman s got just as much sense as a human being, 
 an you 11 find it out sometime too." 
 
 " Yes, but did n t I tell you I was goin to paint him with 
 phosphorus ? " sez dies, all het up. 
 
 " I don t know what phosphorus is," sez I, " but you 11 
 have to do a master job of painting to make that William 
 goat look like a pinchin -bug. Still, this is your projec 
 an if you want to play the wheel one whirl, why I 11 help 
 stick up the stake." 
 
 I was busy about the house all afternoon, an Ches kept 
 himself penned up in his labatory. He had brought out 
 a lot of stuff in cans an bottles, had turned the woodshed 
 into what he called a labatory, an spent a good part of his 
 time there, mixin up peculiar stenches. They used to smell 
 something frightful; but they only exploded about half 
 the time. No matter what they did do, he always claimed 
 that it was just exactly what he intended ; but his hands was 
 colored up constant like a fried egg, an I never took much 
 joy in loafin about the woodshed. 
 
 That night as soon as I had my dishes washed an the 
 kitchen red up, we caught the goat an took him to the barn. 
 He was considerable of a goat, this one was, with horns on 
 him a foot long an a fright of a temper. He was one o 
 these fellers what is always out o humor, only sometimes 
 farther out than common. Still, me with my rope, an Ches 
 with his football habits, was one too many for Mr. Goat ; an 
 we soon had him up in the haymow. Then I passed up the 
 can o paint, an took a stroll around to see that no one had 
 been givin us the look-over. 
 
 The can o paint did have a pretty fierce smell, but I did n t 
 put much faith in it. I d been in opium joints, an I knew 
 
1 84 HAPPYT HAWKINS 
 
 that a Chinaman would fatten on a smell at would suffocate 
 a goat; an when it comes to vigorous an able-bodied 
 odors, a billy-goat ain t no tenderfoot himself. 
 
 After a time Ches came down with a heavenly smile on 
 his face, so I knew the goat had n t smothered yet ; an then 
 we went into the house an handled the lights in just the 
 regular way; but when the time came, instead of goin to 
 bed, we went out an cooned up a big tree, about on a level 
 with the mow-window. Ches had nailed up a kind of 
 platform, which was rickety enough to keep a sensible man 
 on the watch ; but first I knew he was wakin me up. He had 
 his hand over my mouth, an whispered, " He s in the yard 
 now." 
 
 I ain t one o them what yawns an grunts an stretches; 
 I wake up like an antelope all in a bunch. 
 
 The was a little rustlin back in some bushes over by 
 the fence. Then, after a pause, we heard a queer scratchin 
 noise. He was climbin up a tree at the back o the barn 
 so as to get in through a scuttle in the roof. T was gettin 
 interesting an I got out my guns an held em ready. Ches 
 had a whole arsenal spread out around him, an I could 
 easy see a week s work ahead of me, a-policin up the 
 premises. 
 
 The sky was just literally soggy with stars, an you 
 could see the outline of things purty plain. It was one o 
 those nights when everything is so still that you hear with 
 the inside of your head, an any little real noise fair puts a 
 crimp in ya. 
 
 We was leanin on the rail of Ches s platform, when all 
 of a sudden we hear the greatest jabberin ever a human man 
 heard. A goat an a Chinaman speaks the same langwidge, 
 an goodness only knows what Billy Buck was a-tellin him. 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 185 
 
 but the tone was insistent an the effect was most exhilaratin . 
 I had my ears stretched out to catch every sound an 
 sounds was n t nowise scarce just then. Squeals an groans, 
 an wrastlin an blows, kept a feller all keyed up, an we 
 was bitin our lips to keep from laughin an then it 
 happened ! 
 
 The door o that mow flew open as though it was struck 
 by eleven engines, a dark form shot out, followed by two 
 more an then the devil, himself, poked his head out 
 through that haymow window. Talk about faces Lord ! 
 I attended a ghost dance over in the Sioux country oncet ; y 
 but it was a Sunday-school picnic alongside the face that 
 poked its way out of that door. 
 
 The was rings of fire around the eyes, nose, an mouth, 
 the whiskers was one long waverin , ghastly flame, an the 
 horns was two others. The was a blue gritchety sort o 
 smoke curlin up around the face, an my heart laid right 
 down in its tracks an rolled over on its back. I only saw 
 that face a second, but I can shut my eyes an* see it right 
 now. Gosh ! " 
 
 I ain t much superstitious, cept when I m gamblin , but 
 of course I know the s such things as ghosts an devils 
 an sich, an I don t take no liberties with em. I screeched 
 out, " Great Scott ! what s that ? " My hands shut up 
 voluntary, both my guns went off in the air, the rail broke, 
 an me an Ches sort o chuck-lucked to the ground. We 
 did n t miss any limbs on the way down, nor the guns did n t 
 neither. Every time they bumped a limb, they went off, 
 an it sounded like Custer s last stand. 
 
 We were n t hurt none, an scrambled to our feet in a 
 second. The was an awful squawkin goin on under the 
 haymow window, an that horrible, fire-faced devil seemed 
 
i86 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 to be eatin the heads off the Chinamen. I got a better 
 view of it this time, an I see it was one o the dragons they 
 worship. It made me feel a little better, cause I didn t 
 see why he d have any grudge against a Christian. Still, 
 I was n t takin no chances, so I grabbed Ches by the arm 
 an headed for the kitchen him stickin his heels in the 
 ground an callin me coward. I thought he had lost his 
 mind, so I didn t pay any heed to him. 
 
 We threw ourselves against the kitchen door, an I ham 
 mered on it with my knuckles, while Ches kicked me on the 
 shins an tried to get away. Finally Mrs. Cameron raised 
 an upstairs window an began shootin with her bean-blower. 
 I ve no idy what she was shootin at ; but she hit me twice 
 in the boot-leg, an blame if it did n t sting like a whip. 
 
 Ches jerked loose while I was rubbin the sore spot, an* 
 as I glanced up I saw the three dark forms comin after us, 
 followed close by the devil-dragon, his face fairly drippin 
 with liquid fire. The whole bunch of em looked outrageous 
 big, an I felt about as massive an forceful as an angle 
 worm ; but at that, I managed to open the celler door, an* 
 tried to get Ches to come in too. " Ches," I whispered, for 
 I had n t strength enough to yell, " Ches, come on in an 
 save yourself; " but he never gave no heed. He just stood 
 crouching over in the shadow while they headed for him, 
 devil-dragon an all. 
 
 I wanted to crawl into the cellar alone, but I lacked just 
 one grain of havin moral courage enough, so I stood still 
 with my knees beatin together, watchin em come. My 
 heart ached to think that he was out of his head an fairly 
 throwin himself away, an then all of a sudden, it flashed 
 upon me that the blame fool was playin football. On 
 they charged like a stampeded herd, a-scrcechin like a run- 
 
THE CHINESE QUESTION 187 
 
 away freight wagon with dry axles, while that pink-cheeked 
 tenderfoot stood in his tracks, as calm an cool as the North 
 Star, until they arrived at the proper distance, an then he 
 sorted out the big one in the center an dove for his legs. 
 
 They went up in the air, like a long-horn foolin with the 
 leg-throw for the first time, the other two bumped into 
 them, the fire- faced devil-dragon slipped through, caught 
 me full in the pantry, an we all avalanched into the celler 
 in one mixed up tangle. I can t describe it to you. I saw 
 a photograph oncet of the bottomless pit at a revival meet 
 ing, and this lay-out was a card out of the same deck. I 
 ain t stuck-up nor exclusive ; but hang me if I ever want to 
 get into such a mixed crowd again. We bit an kicked an* 
 hammered each other till I felt like quartz at a stamp-mill. 
 The only light we had, came from the Chinese devil an* 
 I d a heap sooner had none. 
 
 Finally I got hold of two cues, an it give me a logical 
 purpose. I simply took a short hold on those cues an* 
 bumped the heads they belonged to, together, until that 
 dragon caught sight of me an hit me a thump in the back 
 that loosened all my teeth. Something began to make an 
 awful bawling sound, an it scared the life out of me until 
 I see the Chinese devil go up the stairs leaving a trail of 
 flame behind him; an then I knew that one of our own 
 Medicines had arrived. 
 
 This was some the worst roar I ever heard. It would start 
 in with a lot of foreign words an end up with Rah! Rah! 
 Rah! The voice sounded something like Ches s; but when 
 I called him he did n t answer, an I feared it was his 
 spirit. 
 
 The did n t seem to be any use in bumpin my two heads 
 together any more, so purty soon I dropped em, an straight- 
 
i88 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 ened up. The was n t a sound, an it was enough sight 
 scarier than the noise had been. I looked around in the dark, 
 an the was ghastly waverin flames all over an I could see 
 hideous faces grinnin at me. 
 
 I scuttled out o that cellar like a homin rabbit, an ran 
 around to the side door. Mrs. Cameron put her head out 
 after a bit, an when she found out who I was, she let 
 her lantern down to me on a string, an I screwed up my 
 courage an went back to the cellar. I listened a moment, 
 an it was quiet as a grave it was too much like a grave 
 to suit me. I needed the touch of an old friend, so I went 
 back an hunted up one of my guns, loaded it, an went 
 down into that cellar an I never want my nerves stretched 
 no tighter than they were right at that minute. I see three 
 Chinamen an Ches stretched out in a heap, dies still huggin 
 the big one he had picked out first. 
 
 I carried the two of em upstairs still locked together, 
 an laid em on the porch. As I did so, Ches opened his 
 eyes an smiled weakly, an sez to me most beseech ful, " Gi 
 me the ball, gi me the ball, an let Hodge an Roger throw 
 me over the line. It s no use tryin to buck through." The 
 doggone loon still thought he was playin football. I don t 
 reckon a railroad wreck would give one o them football 
 players a single new sensation. 
 
 He jumps up after a minute, shakes himself, an seems as 
 good as new. I was for lettin the Chinks go, an gettin 
 indoors ; but not for him, so we ties em ; but I ain t a 
 mite easy in my mind. I was still lookin for old Mister 
 Devil-Dragon to come chargin back with his Fourth o 
 July face, an put an everlastin crimp in us. His man had 
 a cut in the back of the head, while my two was merely 
 softened up a little ; an as soon as we got em in the kitchen 
 

THE CHINESE QUESTION 189 
 
 an threw some water in their faces, they revived out of it 
 an began to jabber enough to give a steam whistle the 
 headache. 
 
 " I d better go an let my cousin know we re all right," 
 sez Ches. 
 
 " Yes, we 11 both go," sez I, quickly. 
 
 " You d better stay an keep guard," sez Ches. 
 
 " The door s locked an they re tied," sez I. 
 
 We went together, an Mrs. Cameron laughed an wept 
 an made a great fuss. When we came back, the Chinks 
 were gone. 
 
 " I told you to stay on guard," yells Ches. 
 
 " Well, I m mighty glad I did n t," sez I. 
 
 " What do you mean? " sez he. 
 
 " Can t you see what happened ? " sez I. " Their blamed 
 fire-faced dragon came back an took em off, an if I d 
 been here, like as not, he d have taken me too. He d 
 a taken em down cellar; but your Good Medicine came 
 an gave a shriek an scared him away." 
 
 Ches stood an looked at me. " If you are really crazy, 
 I don t mind your talkin this way ; " he sez finally, " but if 
 you have a grain of sense left, tell me what you mean." 
 
 " Do you mean to tell me that you did n t see him ? " I 
 sez. " He had horns an a long beard, an was about six 
 feet high an spouted fire, an " 
 
 " Do you mean the goat ? " he snaps in. 
 
 " Goat ! " I sez, gettin mad. " Now don t get gay. The 
 goat has tried to butt me fifty times since I been here, an* 
 I guess I know him by sight ; but this thing " 
 
 He see I was in earnest, took a match, wet it, an held it 
 in a dark corner. " The goat was painted with that," sez 
 he, an I saw it all, an I well, I just natchly shriveled. 
 
190 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 I thought it all over. " Well, then," sez I, " what was the 
 thing that gave the spirit call in the cellar ? " 
 
 " That was my college yell," sez Ches, an he gave it again, 
 an gee, but it would a made an Injun s mouth water. 
 
 I was beginnin to see that the was a heap more in a 
 college edication than I d ever supposed. 
 
CHAPTER FIFTEEN 
 
 THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 
 
 NEXT day we searched the barn an found her just soggy 
 with stolen stuff. We started out the news an most of it 
 was claimed up by the neighbors for a hundred miles around. 
 They heroed me an Ches right consid able; but we didn t 
 tell em about the goat. It might put the Chinamen wise, 
 you see. They took up a purse of eighteen hundred dollars 
 for us which had been offered in rewards one place an 
 another, an we felt purty tol able contented. 
 
 But I was beginnin to get lonesome, the same as I allus 
 do when I ve been in one o these quiet, stagnant places for 
 a spell. I was fond o Mrs. Cameron an the baby an the 
 place an the cookin , an I thought the world o Ches; but 
 the was a constant tuggin at my heart to get back to the 
 Diamond Dot, back to the big, free sweep o plains, back to 
 little Barbie. 
 
 I d been soakin away all Ches s stories an ways, an I 
 knew she d be full as interested in em as I was. I had had 
 enough o business too. I could easy see at I was n t cut 
 out for a business man, but I generally managed to round 
 up a little wealth one way or another. I knew all along 
 that I didn t really have a taste for business; it was just 
 that fool talk o Bill Andrews that made me want to cut loose 
 from the Diamond Dot. I d made up my mind now on 
 that question, an it was surprisin how simple the answer 
 was after I d finally worked it out. The answer was this : 
 I had as good a right anywhere on earth as any one else 
 
192 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 did. I was some company for Barbie at the Diamond 
 an it suited us both first rate. If it got on Bill Andrews 
 nerves till he could n t keep it under his breath, why I d 
 have to furnish him with an excuse for movin ; but as for 
 myself, I d just stick around until things began to creak 
 a little. 
 
 When Mr. Cameron came back, he made a big fuss over 
 me an Ches he was an A i sort of a man, Cameron 
 was an he wanted me to stay right along offerin me 
 big wages, which was a thing that Mrs. Cameron had for 
 got all about, an me too ; but I did n t feel like stayin ; so I 
 set a date an then it was settled. Besides, Ches would be 
 goin back to college again soon. 
 
 Cameron was a real estate broker in the East, but was 
 beginnin to study up on minin propositions. He knew 
 all about Slocum s Luck, that is, he knew the was such a 
 mine, an that they was still lawin over it ; but when I 
 asked him about ever havin heard of a mine called the 
 Creole Belle, he shook his head an said he never had. 
 He had n t heard of Jack Whitman, nor George Jordan, nor 
 even Sandy Fergoson ; so I see the was n t any use in stayin 
 around there, an while I hated to part with em, I was glad 
 when the time came for me to say good-bye. 
 
 They wanted to give some kind of a present when I left ; 
 but the only thing I d accept of, was a pair of chickens. 
 I had got used to eatin eggs whilst I was there, an I knew 
 at Barbie would like em ; so they put me up a rooster an 
 a hen in a basket, an I rolled up my roll, an drove off to 
 the depot with Ches. He was mighty sober when we got 
 out of sight of the house, an after he did get to talkin it 
 was mostly of all the good times we had had, an how he 
 wished I was goin back with him, or else he was goin on 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 193 
 
 with me. I told him all about the Diamond Dot, an how 
 to get to it, an invited him out for a visit any time he could 
 get away. I did n t tell him much about Barbie ; but I 
 made him promise that if ever his Cousin found out the 
 facts about the Creole Belle mine, he d let me know at once. 
 I could n t bring myself to believe that Sandy Fergoson 
 had been crazy, an I was beginnin to come to the conclu 
 sion that the must have been both a woman an a mine 
 mixed up an that s a combination to bowl over the best 
 of us. 
 
 Ches said he was so stuck on the West that he half be 
 lieved he d learn to be a minin engineer an come out here 
 an live. He tried to get me to promise to come an visit 
 him, but I told him that I ranged over the same territory 
 mostly, an would n t know how to act in the East ; but 
 that if I ever did head in that direction, I d sure look him 
 up. He bought my ticket while I was gettin my roll out 
 of the wagon, an I could n t make him take the money 
 for it. 
 
 " This ain t on me," he sez, " the Camerons s payin for 
 this ; but even if I was, I reckon I could afford it. You ve 
 brought me my luck." 
 
 " How about it bein your bringin me mine? " sez I, but 
 he would n t stand for it, so I got on the train with purty 
 close to a thousand dollars in my clothes an a pair of 
 chickens in my basket. He stood on the platform until we 
 were out o sight, an then I settled back to think things over. 
 
 People are more different than the other kinds of animals, 
 an yet they re a heap alike, too. Now, me an Ches was 
 about as different as they ever get, most ways, an yet we 
 pulled a level double-tree out in the open. I could see the 
 difference between my kind o talk an his; but neither one 
 
 13 
 
194 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 of em was the booky kind that Mr. Cameron talked, an* 
 yet we had all three sat out one night watchin the stars, an 
 the wasn t much difference in what we thought about 
 a lot o things; but by the time we reached Oakland, I 
 was n t takin such friendly views of humanity. 
 
 Now, I don t mind what a feller does as long as it don t 
 interfere with me, an even then, I can put up with a sight 
 o bother ; but all the passengers on that train, an the train 
 crew too, seemed to think that it just about capped the 
 climax to see a man o my build totin along a pair o 
 chickens. The was n t anybody on that train who behaved 
 any better n those chickens did, except the first time I 
 tried to water em out o the cup ; but they nearly pestered me 
 to death tryin to find out what was mysterious about em. 
 I told em the full reasons for my takin em up to the Dia 
 mond Dot ; but that did n t suit em, they had to have some 
 outlandish excuse. I stuck to the truth until my good 
 nature began to blister an then I fixed up a past history for 
 those chickens that was n t nowise common. 
 
 When you just glance at it, a chicken ain t a creature 
 that s apt to have an adventurous life ; but long before we 
 reached Oakland, folks was gettin on the train every place 
 we stopped, just to have a look at chickens what had been 
 taught to tell counterfeit money. It was easy enough when 
 I got started. Every one knows that a chicken s eye is 
 mighty detectin . They stroll along pickin up bugs at you 
 or I can t see with a magnascope, an all at would be 
 necessary to make em experts at money, would be to get 
 em interested. 
 
 The s allus somebody in a crowd who don t swaller 
 bait as easy as the rest, an bye an bye a feller holds up a 
 silver dollar to the rooster. The rooster was a pretty beast. 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 195 
 
 ill red an blue, an a good feeler ; but he did n t care a hang 
 for money. He turned his head away, an I sez, " The 
 dollar s good." 
 
 But the feller had to keep on makin tests, which did n t 
 interest the rooster any until finally the rooster begun to 
 get some exasperated. The feller held out a five-dollar 
 bill to the rooster, an he was tired o such nonsense an 
 took a sudden peck at it an tore it in two. It s bad," 
 sez I. 
 
 " I knew it was bad," sez he. " I said when I took it 
 that I bet it was n t any good ; but one o these smooth 
 Easterners give it to me. If I d had a bird like that I 
 would n t a got stuck. What 11 you take for him ? " 
 
 I smiled, an sez, " I don t reckon you d believe what these 
 birds is worth, but I would n t want to sell em even if I 
 got my price. I wish you d give me that counterfeit bill 
 though. The hen ain t fully taught an bills like that are 
 scarce." 
 
 He give me the bill, an offered me all kinds o prices for 
 the poultry; but I wanted to take em to Barbie, an I 
 finally stuck em under the seat an refused to let any one 
 see em. That blame fool offered me seventy-five dollars 
 for that pair o chickens when he got off the train at Oak 
 land, an I was blame glad I had give up business, cause 
 it was sure good business to take a price like that. The 
 five-dollar bill was all right an I spent part of it at the 
 restaurants along the way. 
 
 When I got off the train at Webb Station, who did I 
 see but Spider Kelley an the home freight-wagon. Well, 
 we was both glad to see each other, an he stayed sober just 
 so we could chat together on the home ride. 
 
 " How did you like business ? " sez he. 
 
196 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Oh, it pays in a money way," sez I, " but it s too 
 monotonous. I don t like it." 
 
 " You ain t been gone long enough to make much money," 
 sez he. 
 
 " Oh, no, not what you would call money in business," 
 sez I, " but I ve handled several pieces o coin since I 
 been away, an I 11 have nine hundred for ol Cast Steel to 
 put out on pasture for me." 
 
 "Nine hundred! Well, by gee !" sez Spider. "What kind 
 o business have you been in, Happy ? " 
 
 " Oh, I tried hosses first, but they was n t enough change 
 in it, then I went to Frisco an give the dry-goods business 
 a work-out. I tried the real estate business next ; but, Spider, 
 you 11 be surprised to learn that I made more money out 
 o goats an chickens than any other business I got into." 
 
 " Well, that sure is wonderful," sez Spider. " Are you 
 goin to stay here a spell, or are you just goin to try to get 
 Old Cast Steel interested in poultry? I doubt if he goes into 
 chickens deep, he allus likes to herd on a big scale." 
 
 " I m goin to give this here pair to Barbie," sez I. "If 
 the old man wants me to take on for the fall round-up, why 
 it s likely I 11 do it, an I may even stay through the winter. 
 Money ain t the whole o life, an I like this range better n 
 any I ever rode over." 
 
 " Well, he 11 be glad enough to take you on for the round 
 up," sez Spider. " Omaha has quit." 
 
 " The deuce he has," sez I. " What did he quit for? " 
 
 " Him an Bill Andrews had some words, an I got to 
 own up that Bill was in the right of it. Cast Steel did n t 
 take any sides, an Omaha, he finally pulled out week before 
 last. Bill Andrews is the nearest thing we got to a foreman 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 197 
 
 " How s everything goin ? " sez I. 
 
 " Smoother n oil," sez he. " I ve been around the ranch 
 house ever since you been away, tendin to Pluto an breakin 
 colts." 
 
 " I m goin to get out an walk back," sez I. 
 
 "What the ell for?" sez he. 
 
 " I never struck this place before when it was n t in a 
 tangle," sez I, " an I feel in my bones, it betokens bad 
 luck." 
 
 " Oh, hoofs," sez he, " you ain t that superstitious are you ? 
 Did you leave last time in the same humor as usual ? " 
 
 Then I felt a shade easier. " No," sez I, " every other time 
 me an Cast Steel had had a little difference; but this time, 
 I was simply tired o the place. Well, I 11 go on an chance 
 it ; but I m leery that somethin will happen." 
 
 We arrived next day in time for supper, an Barbie an 
 Jabez was mighty glad to see me. Barbie went wild over 
 the chickens, just as I knew she would, an Jabez said that 
 he used to like eggs himself when he was a boy, an would 
 have got some poultry long ago if he d only thought of it. 
 They both of em laughed to think that I had at last come 
 back to the Diamond Dot without findin any kind of war 
 fare; an when I told em that it sort o worried me, they 
 only laughed the more. 
 
 " How did you like business, Happy ? " sez Jabez. 
 
 " I got nine hundred dollars I wish you d range out with 
 the rest o my herd," sez I, " but to tell you the simple 
 truth, I don t like business, not one mite." 
 
 I thought I could stall em off without tellin em what 
 kind o business I d made my stake in, but they wormed it 
 out o me before that first meal was over. It was a merry 
 meal, an lasted about three hours. I enjoyed it, but I made 
 
198 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 up my mind that if I took on again, I was goin to eat with 
 the rest of the boys. I had allus et with Barbie an Jabez; 
 but I did n t want to have any o the outfit get to thinkin 
 that I was n t nothin but a visitor. When bedtime hove 
 around, Jabez sez, " Well, you 11 find your old room ready, 
 Happy." 
 
 " Why, I reckon I 11 sleep in the bunk shack from this 
 on," sez I. 
 
 " I reckon you won t," sez he. " You re worth more to 
 me as a sort o reserve than you d be as a straight puncher, 
 an the ain t no use o your gettin so blame finicky all of a 
 sudden. What s got into you lately ? " 
 
 " Now, you know how it is, Jabez," sez I, " if I cut loose 
 from the rest o the bunch, they re bound to talk about it 
 an " 
 
 " Let em talk," he snaps in. " Talk ain t expensive ; but 
 I don t think they re a jealous lot. They all like you, Happy, 
 an I got a sort of a suspicion that those who don t won t 
 pester you overly much. I ain t heard the straight of it, but 
 I have heard some talk about him overestimatin his ability 
 in the ridin line. Now cut out this nonsense an just begin 
 where you left off. Barbie here 11 be mighty glad of some 
 company again." 
 
 It did n t take em long to talk me into it it generally is 
 easy to break down a man s will when it ain t braced up by 
 his natural desires ; so after I d balked as long as seemed 
 polite, I settled into the collar again an trotted along just 
 in the same old gait. 
 
 It was just as I thought. Barbie was plumb wild to hear 
 all those college stories, an the queer words that Ches used 
 to talk with. She asked me about a thousand questions that 
 I was n t sure on the answers ; but I made out to interest 
 
THE DIAMOND DOT AGAIN 199 
 
 her, an Jabez face used to beam when he d hear her laugh 
 ring out. 
 
 We were sure a happy household; but I noticed mighty 
 soon that Barbie was more restless than ever ; but also had 
 more control over herself. She was n t so quick about either 
 askin questions nor givin answers as she used to be, an 
 she noticed things closer an this was goin some too; 
 cause she allus did inspect everything that came on her 
 range. 
 
 We had a gang o tourists swoop down on us for a couple 
 o days, an it tickled me to see her watch em an draw back 
 in her shell any time she thought they was watchin her. I 
 knew every line in her face, an mighty few of her thoughts 
 came as a surprise when she framed em into words. She 
 never said it all now, unless she was het up about something, 
 an I like to listen to any one at talks like that. Her best 
 thoughts were never accented, they just came in as packin 
 like, an it added to the interest. When a feller hands out 
 a little commonplace idy an then sends along a couple o 
 verses to tell what it means, I get weary ; but when I m 
 able to see into somethin that lays too close to his heart 
 to say out, an too close to forget, why I feel as if I had found 
 a real jewel, an that was the way with Barbie. I knew that 
 somethin was tuggin at her ; but when I found out exactly 
 what it was, it came with almost as much of a shock as if 
 I had n t known it was there all the time. 
 
CHAPTER SIXTEEN 
 
 THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMAN 
 
 BARBIE had grown some more, even durin the little time at 
 I d been away. She had got used to the new rig she wore 
 an was n t a mite awkward, an her face was firmer an more 
 self-composed. She was purtier too, though it don t seem 
 possible. It even seems more impossible when I tell ya that 
 she looked more like ol Cast Steel than ever. He an the 
 girl was a heap alike, cept that he was big an raw-boned an 
 spare- featured ; while she was as dainty as an antelope, an 
 as far as looks went, she was the Queen Bee of Creation, I 
 reckon. 
 
 When it came to ridin a bucker or shootin off an eye- 
 winker or expressin herself free an frank, she did n t have 
 to import no testimony to prove at she was his daughter 
 either. She had him skinned on ridin though ; cause while 
 he was able to set anything on four feet, he allus showed at 
 he had begun late in life, an he sometimes jerked the bit 
 unintentional ; while she well, I reckon she must a been 
 born on hoss-back, an besides, I had give her all the 
 pointers the was. 
 
 One mornin about ten days after I d come back, I heard 
 em discussin purty heatedly out back of the corral; an 
 I just sauntered over to harken to it. It was n t a case of 
 eavesdropping cause when them two had any comments to 
 make they did n t care a blue bean what the prevailin style 
 in opinions happened to be, they nailed their own personal 
 jedgments on the wall an then stuck around handy to back 
 
THE HIGHER EDUCATION 201 
 
 em up. I was particular anxious to know what they was 
 crossin words over, cause I could n t get it out o my head 
 but what my comin back an findin em peaceable betokened 
 something. 
 
 Jabez was standin with his feet wide apart, his hands on 
 his hips, his hat tilted over one ear, his chin stickin out with 
 the lips pursed up, an his eyes had a dogged look in em. 
 Line by line an feature by feature, she shadowed him to the 
 last item ; an neither one of em saw a twinkle o comical- 
 ness in it, neither. 
 
 " Do you know who you re talkin to?" he yells just as 
 I arrived. " I m your father ! " 
 
 " What of it? " she snaps back. " It s too late to remedy 
 that I just got to make the best of it. But do you know 
 who you re talkin to ? I m the future owner of the Dia 
 mond Dot, an I ain t a-layin no plans to have the lala-ka- 
 dinks from the civilized parts o this country come out an* 
 round up my langwidge, same as they gather Injun speci- 
 ments. You may be my father, but you can just bet your 
 saddle that before I reach the end o my trail, a stranger 
 won t be able to guess it from our talk." 
 
 Now the old man was mighty savin with his cuss-words, 
 an he put out a purty tol able fair grade o grammar ; but 
 the girl had an eye in her head and an ear to listen with, 
 an she had been for a long time takin notice o the side 
 winks o the Easterners. Some Easterners put on their 
 manners the same as their complexions, an the open air is 
 apt to put cracks in em. 
 
 The ol* man looked at her a good long while, but she never 
 blinked a winker; an he finally turned away an said in a 
 soft-like voice, " I know, child, I ain t been able to fill the 
 part full measure but it ain t cause I haven t tried. I 
 
202 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 reckon you 11 have to go, honey ; but it 11 sure be lonesome 
 while you re away ; an when you do come back you 11 never 
 be my little kid any more." His voice kept gettin sadder an* 
 sadder until I about snuffled myself when he continued: 
 " I 11 rub up my talk all I can while you re away, an then 
 if you bring out any friends next summer you can tell em 
 that I m the foreman an that you let me eat in the house 
 while your father is takin a trip to Europe." 
 
 The ol man would have played that part about as natural 
 as a bull buffalo, but he fooled himself into believin it, an 
 his voice was purty shaky at the end. Barbie s eyes filled 
 up with tears, an when he stopped an began to totter feebly 
 toward the house, she ran up an threw her arms about his 
 neck, an said, " Dad, I just hate you you don t play fair. 
 You start the game under one set o rules an then when you 
 get the worst of it you just simply crawfish. When we were 
 sayin mean things out in the open, I just natchly put it all 
 over you ; an now you flop over on your back an work that 
 1 coals o fire stunt, an I just hate you. You know in your 
 heart I d be proud of you in any company on earth, but 
 the s a heap o difference between you an me. You have 
 been successful, an strangers will respect you for it; but 
 it s got to be a show-down with me every time. If I don t 
 learn the new gaits, so a stranger will think I m city-broke, 
 some fresh tourist is apt to get the idee that I m as uncivil 
 ized as my manners, an it won t do to tramp on my toes 
 not overly often. But I don t have to leave you. I 11 just 
 turn in an do the job right here on the ranch, an accordin 
 to the very latest models. You get me a lot o books an all 
 the magazines an fashion papers, an hanged if I don t turn 
 out a job at 11 fool the best of em. You re a mean old 
 Daddy, you are, for a fact; but we make too dandy a duet 
 
THE HIGHER EDUCATION 203 
 
 for me to go away an leave you to grind out a solo all alone. 
 But but I sure wanted to go." 
 
 Well, Jabez grinned all over ; but I saw that he was n t 
 through with it so easy. Barbie wasn t the one to throw 
 her rope before she was all braced for the jerk, an the 
 would n t be any kinks in her logic, neither. She had thrown 
 a purty stout string of arguments, an I was full prepared 
 when they told me that he was to have his way about it, an 
 she was to go to college that very fall. 
 
 She did go in less n a month to a prep-school clear 
 down East. A prep-school is a sort of a calf college, 
 you know; an she had to train there a solid year before 
 they had the nerve to turn her loose on a full-grown 
 university. But she had a head on her, Barbie had, an 
 when she got squared away, she made em all get down 
 an scratch. They do say that she put more life an vim 
 in that institution than anybody what had ever give it a 
 work-out before. 
 
 Ol Cast Steel went down twice the first winter, an never 
 let her know at he was in the neighborhood, for fear it 
 would make her think at he was pinin for her. He just 
 went down there an bought some store clothes an prowled 
 around waitin for the chance to see her at a distance 
 never even lined out the professors to see if they were doin 
 their duty, nor mixed in the game the slightest bit. Talk 
 about bein game ! I reckon that puts a shadow on anything 
 ever that man had to face. 
 
 She used to come back every summer, bringin a lot of 
 chums an all kinds o pets with her. She was just daffy 
 over any kind of a wild animal from an Injun papoose to a 
 white mouse ; an when she d go back in the fall, Jabez had 
 his hands full with parrots an alligators an butterfly coons 
 
204 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 an sech to say nothin of a lot of potted flowers what was 
 mighty notionable in their tastes. 
 
 I was so busy tendin to this branch o the outfit that about 
 all the ridin I did was for exercise yes, an for company, 
 cause it allus seemed as if she was along when I d be out 
 on the range. Then, again, I allus felt a kind of drawin , 
 myself, to the silent people, who think an wish an feel, 
 just the same as we do, but are n t able to handle our 
 langwidge. I got so I could purt nigh tell what an animal 
 had on his mind, just from tendin to her speciments. 
 
 She had one speciment which was a possom, an the blame 
 thing bit me eight times one winter, me tryin to give it 
 baths an then she wrote back home that the doggone 
 critter did n t need em nohow. She purt nigh got expended 
 for takin a rattlesnake back to the university an keepin 
 it hid in her room ; an after I d had a deuce of a time 
 catchin em, they made her send a bob-cat an a mountain 
 lion to some kind of a garden would n t let her keep em 
 at all. The professors allus was a sore trial to her, but once 
 she began a thing she allus fought it through, so she put 
 up with em the best way she could. 
 
 She used to tell us that bein housed up like to a drove 
 her crazy at first, an they was so tarnation fussy that she felt 
 like a hobbled pony in a stampede. They would n t even let 
 her picket her ponies out in what they call the campus, which 
 she said was just drippin fat with rich grass, an nary a 
 hoof to graze it. Why, they even had fool notions about 
 havin certain hours about goin to bed, an even when you 
 had to put your lights out. 
 
 One night she got fidgety an nervous with the lonesome- 
 ness of it, an she got up about one o clock an fired her re 
 volvers out the window, just for sport, you know, like 
 
THE HIGHER EDUCATION 205 
 
 a feller sometimes will when he s well, when his soul 
 gets kind o itchy like, an it purt nigh started a riot. She 
 said at we would n t never believe how different the people 
 was down there. I reckon a university must be run a good 
 bit like a penitentiary. But as I said, she was n t no quitter, 
 an I reckon, takin it all in all, she give em back about as 
 good as they sent. 
 
 Course we could see a lot o change in her when she d 
 first come back, but it seemed to slide off as the tan came on, 
 an by the time she left in the fall again she d be purty 
 much the same old Barbie. She went full five years, countin 
 the prep-school, an I don t suppose they was much in the way 
 o learnin they did n t filter through her ; but it did n t spoil 
 her, an the very moment her knees clamped on a pony again 
 you could see that her blood was as red as ever, even if her 
 face was roses an cream. My heart allus beat out of time 
 when I knew she was headin back ; but the very minute she 
 gave my hand the old-time grip I knew she was still the 
 old-time girl, an when she d turn to the chums an say, 
 " Girls, this is Happy," why, I was big brother to the lot, 
 an before they went back I d teach em ridin till they could 
 giggle on hoss-back without fallin off. They all owned 
 up that she was the takin est girl at the university, and while 
 her pals was a mighty attractive lot, they did n t have to 
 use any arguments to convince me it was the truth. 
 
 She allus left me so much to do when she was away that 
 I never felt like leavin through the winter; while durin 
 vacation time I would n t have gone without bein drove ; 
 but toward the middle of her fourth year, me an Bill An 
 drews had another little run in. 
 
 We was havin a terrible streak of weather, an Bill wanted 
 to move a herd over to the southwest corner of the ranch 
 
206 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 where the was some extra good bunch grass. It was a wise 
 move all right, an I said so ; but when he wanted me to help 
 trail em, I vetoed it. I was watchin up some experiments 
 with silkworms an I did n t want to leave em. We were 
 short-handed an Jabez lowed at I d better go. Well, we 
 argued back an forth until he finally said that he could 
 take full care o the silkworms, an intimated that my work 
 with em was n t much but pastime, anyway. 
 
 That settled it with me. I helped drive the herd, an* it 
 was the bitterest weather we d ever had. The sleet blew 
 in the cow s faces an it was simply one long fight. Three 
 o the boys gave up an pulled back to the ranch house, 
 but not me. I don t believe I slept on that drive, night or day, 
 an when the boys finally told Bill Andrews that it could n t 
 be done, I told em that it could, an that if any more of 
 em dropped out I d count it a personal insult. We got 
 em there all right, an then I rode back to the ranch house. 
 
 Jabez had let the silkworms die an I told him what I 
 thought of him, an pulled out. It was cold weather an* 
 I was travelin on foot, but it wasn t cold I was sufferin 
 from, it was heat. 
 
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 
 
 IN RETIREMENT 
 
 I PLUGGED along through the cold, gettin hotter an hotter 
 all the time, cause I did n t want to go away at all. Barbie d 
 be home in a few months and I wanted to be there when she 
 came but I could n t get over those silkworms. She was 
 goin to write somethin about em for some kind of a paper, 
 an it meant a good deal to her, an I had kept a record of all 
 the projec s she d written me to do with em only to have 
 Cast Steel an that fool Bill Andrews flounder in with that 
 herd o cows. 
 
 I piked on over to Danders thinkin I d get on a train an 
 go somewhere; but on my way there I met the foreman o 
 the E. Z. outfit ridin into town to see if he couldn t pick 
 up a fence-rider. Then I see old Mrs. Fate nudgin me in 
 the ribs with her finger again. We was all down on fences 
 at the Diamond Dot. Jabez said that as far as he was con 
 cerned, he preferred to have his fences mounted on hoss- 
 back, cause they was easiest moved, an we didn t have a 
 foot o wire on the place. I knew that no one would ever 
 think o me ridin fence, so I just up an spoke for the job. 
 
 The foreman, Hank Midders was his name, did n t know 
 me an he was suspicious of me bein on foot. " Can you 
 ride ? " sez he. 
 
 " I used to could," sez I. " How many days ridin does 
 rt take to go around ? " 
 
 " We don t ride that way," sez he, " we put two men in a 
 camp an they ride out fifteen miles an then double back." 
 
2o8 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " They waste the return trip," sez I. 
 
 " We think different," sez he. " We keep a big run o 
 cows, an we want the whole fence rode twice a day. We 
 allus have plenty o good ridin ponies/ 
 
 " Well, they ain t ridin on my time," sez I, " so it ain t 
 nothing to me. Do I get the job ? " 
 
 " Where you been ridin at ? " sez he. 
 
 " At the Lion Head, for Jim Jimison," sez I. 
 
 " I ve seen some o their stuff," sez he. " It s a good 
 outfit ; but it s a rather lengthy walk from here." 
 
 " Yes, I stopped off a while in Californie an Idaho to 
 rest," sez I. " Do I get the job? " 
 
 " We don t find a man s saddle an bridle for him," 
 sez he. 
 
 " I got mine cached over at Danders," sez I, recallin the 
 ones I had left there before I went into business. 
 
 " What s your name ? " sez he. 
 
 " I ain t nowise choicy," sez I, " call me anything you 
 want." 
 
 " I guess you won t do," sez he, ridin on into Danders. 
 
 I reached it myself about two hours later, an went to the 
 hotel. Hank was settin by the stove when I came into the 
 bar-room. The was eight or ten other fellers still restin 
 from last summer s work ; but I did n t see the old land 
 lord. " Where s Peabody ? " sez I. 
 
 " He s dead," sez a tall, snarley lookin feller ; " what do 
 ya want with him ? " 
 
 " I don t want nothin with him if he s dead," sez I. 
 " Who s runnin this place now ? " 
 
 " I am," sez the snarley one. I did n t take to him at all. 
 
 " Would you be so kind enough as to tell me where my 
 saddle an bridle is ? " sez I in my softest voice. 
 
IN RETIREMENT 209 
 
 " What the ell do 1 know about your saddle an bridle?" 
 sez he. 
 
 " I left em here with Peabody," sez I. 
 
 " How would I know it was yours ? " sez he, sneerin . 
 
 " I d recognize it," sez I. " It had H. H. burned into it." 
 
 "What does H. H. stand for?" sez he. 
 
 " It stands for Henry Higinson sometimes," sez I. 
 Then I turned to the bar mop an said, " Where s that saddle 
 an bridle?" 
 
 " Why, it s back in " he began ; but Snarley snaps in : 
 " You shut up, will ya? Even if this puncher did leave 
 an old saddle here years ago, I bought everything on the 
 place from Peabody, an the storage on the rubbish would 
 amount to more than it s worth." 
 
 " That s kind o new doctrine out this way," sez I ; " an* 
 I m bliged to request you to produce the articles so I 
 can claim em up." 
 
 " You go ahead an make me do it," sez he, grinnin . 
 
 "Wouldn t you sooner do it of your own free will?" 
 sez I, like a missionary tryin to get up enthusiasm over 
 a donation. 
 
 " I m good an sick o your fool nonsense," sez he, comin 
 down toward me. I was wearin a gun on each leg, an I 
 pulled em out an punctuated both his ears at one time; 
 but I never stopped smilin . He grabbed an ear in each 
 hand an begun to swear in a foreign langwidge, dancin 
 around most comical. " Won t you please get my leather 
 for me," sez I, " or would you sooner have me guess off 
 the center o those two shots ? " 
 
 " Yes," he roared, usin a lot o high-power words at 
 ain t needful in repetin , "take your blame junk an get 
 out o here." 
 
 14 
 
2io HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 I nodded to the bar mop. " Shall I get em, Frenchy?" 
 sez he. 
 
 " Yes, for heaven s sake, get em," sez the snarley one, 
 while some o the boys snickered, but not too noticeable. 
 
 Well, they was my saddle an bridle all right, an I 
 thanked the bar mop an flung em in a corner. Then I 
 went over an sat down by Hank Midders. " Did you get 
 your fence-rider yet ? " sez I. 
 
 " No, I ain t got him yet, but I got two days to look for 
 him in," he sez. 
 
 Just then who should come in but the same old Diamond 
 Dot hand who had beat me out of the pony. " Well, sign 
 my name ! If there ain t Happy Hawkins ! " sez he, rushin 
 over an shakin my hand. " Still in business, Happy ? " 
 sez he. 
 
 "Nope, I ve retired," sez I. 
 
 " You d ought to have stuck around here until that tourist 
 went home from his vacation," sez Bill, I reckon his 
 name was still Bill, though for the life o me I can t remem 
 ber it plain, " he got the whole town hilarious on account 
 o the joke we d played on him. He was game all right, 
 an he got me a job out to his uncle s, which I ve held 
 ever since off an on." 
 
 " Happy? " sez Hank Midders, " Happy what?" 
 
 " Happy Hawkins," sez Bill. " Have n t you never heard 
 o Happy Hawkins ? " 
 
 " Happy Hawkins is down in the Texas Pan Handle," 
 sez I, in a matter-o -fact voice. " Don t forget that, 
 Bill." 
 
 " Surest thing there is," sez Bill, winkin . " I seen him 
 get on the train myself." 
 
 " When will supper be ready, Frenchy ? " I sez to the 
 
IN RETIREMENT 211 
 
 snarley one, who had been puttin some grease on his ears 
 an wishin he d had better manners. 
 
 " In about an hour," sez he, an I knew the would n t 
 be any more trouble from him. He was one o these fellers 
 what can take a lickin without gettin all broke up over 
 it, an he d be just as gay about bluffin the next stranger 
 as ever, an he d be just as dominatin over them what he 
 had already bluffed. 
 
 " Well, I m goin out for a little stroll," sez I, " but I 11 
 be back in time for supper, an I 11 likely be hungry." 
 
 I knew they d all want to ask a few questions, so I went 
 outside an walked down the street. I couldn t make up 
 my mind what to do, an I wanted that fence-ridin job more 
 than ever. When I turned around to come back, I see Hank 
 Midders walkin toward me. " So you re Happy Haw 
 kins ? " sez he. 
 
 " Well, that s what some folks call me," sez I. 
 
 " I thought at you had finally settled down at the Dia 
 mond Dot ? " sez he. 
 
 " The ain t nothin that I know of that changes any 
 oftener than the style in thoughts," sez I. " Do you think 
 it s goin to snow ? " 
 
 He laughed. " You re Happy Hawkins all right," sez 
 he. "Do you want that fence-ridin job?" 
 
 " That s what I went to the trouble o rootin out that 
 saddle an bridle for," sez I, " but I don t care to have it 
 advertised that I m ridin fence at my time o life, an I 
 don t promise to continue at it more n a few months." 
 
 " I see," sez he, " an it 11 be all right. Kid Porter 11 be 
 down with the buckboard day after to-morrow, an you can 
 go out with him." 
 
 When I went back I see that Bill had n t spared no details 
 
212 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 to make me interesting an all the boys was friendly to me 
 an called me Higinson. Me an Frenchy got along all 
 right, an when I threw my saddle an bridle into the back 
 o the buckboard, an sez, " Well, good-bye, fellers ! I m 
 on my way to the Pan Handle," they all calls out, " Good 
 bye, Happy! If any o your friends inquire for you we ll 
 tell em we saw you start ; but the next time you come this 
 way, Higinson, don t forget to drop in for a little sport." 
 
 Things generally even up pretty well in this life, an 
 before we had driven very far I was able to see where I had 
 got full value out o that seven-dollar pony at Bill had beat 
 me out of. Kid Porter explained things to me an I saw it 
 was goin to be a purty fair sort of a layout. Our shack 
 was closer to Danders than it was to headquarters, so we got 
 our needin s there. He said that Colonel Scott was an all- 
 right man to work for, but that he d only seen him once 
 since he d been on the job. 
 
 Ridin fence is about as excitin as waitin for sun-up, 
 an after a couple of months at it I was feelin the need of a 
 little change, so I drove down to Danders the first day of 
 April, an while I was standin on the platform watchin 
 the train pull in an take water, a cute little feller dis 
 mounted an after givin me a complete look-over, he sez: 
 " Me good man, are you a type of this comunity ? " 
 
 I put my hand to my ear as though I had heard a noise 
 close to the ground. After a bit I let my gaze rest on him 
 sort o surprised like, an then I sez in a soft, oozy voice, 
 like a cow conversin to her first calf, " Be you speakin to 
 me, little one ? " sez I. 
 
 It allus riles me some to be called " me good man." It 
 seems to give me a curious, itchy feelin in the right hand, 
 an I have had to make several extra peculiar speciments 
 
Me good man, are you a type of this community ? " 
 
IN RETIREMENT 213 
 
 dance a few steps for no other reason; but this little cuss 
 never batted an eye. He looks me square in the face, an 
 sez, " It is perfectly obious that I could be addressin nobody 
 else. I am out in the West hunting for a place to study 
 the most pronounced types of American citizens, an I 
 am very favorable impressed with your appearance." 
 
 Did you ever have a stranger brace you like that? I 
 suppose the fat lady an the livin skeleton gets used to it, 
 but I allus feel a trifle too big for my background. I stand 
 six foot two an dress easy an comfortable, an some o the 
 guys on the trains allus seem to think at I m part of the 
 show, out for an airin . 
 
 " Well, to tell you the truth, honey," I sez to the little 
 feller, " I ain t fully maychured yet. We get hair on our faces 
 pretty young out here, but we don t get our growth till we re 
 twenty-five. I m water-boy to the E. Z. outfit. If you want 
 to see somethin worth lookin at, you ought to come out 
 where the men are. You 11 find American citizens out there, 
 a darn sight harder type to pronounce than what I am. 
 They sent me to town on an errant." 
 
 He examined me, but I never blinked a winker, an then 
 his face lit up, like as if he d found a whole plug of tobacco, 
 when he thought his last chew was gone. Finally he gave 
 a wink an a chuckle, an sez, " Here, smoke a cigar on me, 
 an tell me if I can get board out your way. I think you 11 
 make copy." 
 
 He was just what I needed as a time-killer, so I spun him 
 a yarn about the lovely life me an Kid Porter was livin . 
 We jerked out his trunk just before the train left, bought 
 a month s grub, an came along out to our shack. His name 
 was William Sinclair Hammersly, an the never was a 
 squarer boy on the face o the earth, after he d shed off 
 
214 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 those spectator ways. He won my affections, as the story 
 books say, before we was out o sight o Danders. 
 
 He said he had relations scattered all over the British Em 
 pire, an owned up that he had just come back from a long 
 visit to England, where he had picked up the " good man " 
 habit. I told him that it might suit that climate all right, but 
 that out our way I could n t recommend it to a peace-lovin 
 man for every-day use. He thanked me an said he was 
 ashamed to know so little about his own country, this bein 
 the first time he had ever been west of Philadelphia. He said 
 that he was minded to become an author, an had come out to 
 study the aboriginal types an get the true local color. When 
 ever I hear this little bunch o sounds, I know I got a 
 nibble. Any time a man goes nosin around after local 
 color, you can bet your saddle he s got several zigzags in 
 his think-organ. 
 
 These fellers is a breed to themselves. I would n t ex 
 actly call em wise wordy d come a sight nearer fittin 
 these local-color fellers without wrinklin . The s a ringin 
 in my ears yet from the time that I was penned up with 
 Hammy an Locals, an this one had a good many o the 
 same outward an visible signs, but more o the inward an 
 spiritual grace, as Friar Tuck sez. 
 
 Bill slid right into our mode of livin like a younger 
 brother, but it took us some consid able time to savvy his 
 little private oddities. The was one wide bunk in the shack 
 an one narrow one. Me an Bill took the wide one, but it 
 was n t so eternal wide that a feller could flop around alto 
 gether accordin to the dictates of his own conscience. When 
 she was carryin double we had to hold a little consultation 
 of war, to see whether we d turn over or not. 
 
 We used to start out early in the mornin , an if the* 
 
IN RETIREMENT 215 
 
 was n t much fixin to be done we got back long before dark. 
 About seven-thirty was our perchin time before Bill took 
 a hand, but after that we got so convivual that sometimes 
 we d sit up till purt nigh half -past nine, playin cut-throat 
 an swappin tales. Sleep allus was a kind of a nuisance to 
 Bill. Purt nigh every night when me an the Kid would 
 stretch ourselves out, Bill would speak a piece about " God 
 bless the man what first invented sleep " ; but he was only 
 joshin , an all the time he was sayin it he d be buildin up 
 the fire an changin his clothes. He had one suit which 
 he never wore for nothin except just to sleep in. Pajamers, 
 he called em, an they sure was purty. 
 
 Well, he d put on this suit an a pair o red-pointed 
 slippers, light his pipe, pick his guitar, an saw his fiddle 
 till along toward mornin , all the while singin little batches 
 o song an speakin pieces. Then he d heave a sigh an 
 lay down alongside o me; but in about fifteen minutes he d 
 jump out o bed, sayin , "That s good! That s great! I 
 must n t lose that ! " an he d get out a book an write some 
 thing into it. Sometimes he d laugh over it an sometimes 
 he d cry. 
 
 The Kid d never had no experiences with geniuses before, 
 an at first he feared that he might get violent durin the 
 night, so he took his gun to bed with him, but I knowed 
 the was n t a mite o danger in him. When breakfast was 
 ready we purt nigh had to get a hoss to pull him out o 
 bed. 
 
 I was interested in his tales of foreign countries, an he 
 used to tell me all about the castles he had been to. One 
 day I happened to think of the letter what the drug clerk at 
 Slocum s Luck had wrote us, an I asked Bill what kind of 
 a lookin place Clarenden Castle was. 
 
216 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 "Clarenden Castle?" sez Bill. "Where the deuce did 
 you ever hear of Clarenden Castle?" 
 
 " Well, I might have heard of it from the younger son," 
 sez I. " He came over to this country, you know." 
 
 " Where is he now ? " sez Bill, mighty interested. 
 
 " Minin law is, that the first feller what stakes out a 
 claim gets it," sez I. " Now my question staked out the 
 first claim. You answer my questions an then we ll be 
 ready for yours." 
 
 " Humph," sez Bill. 
 
 "Where is St. James Court, Bill?" sez I. 
 
 " Well, I never expected you to know anything about 
 such things ! " sez Bill. 
 
 " T is wonderful how intelligent some trained animals 
 are, ain t it ? " sez I, sarcastic. " But you must remember, 
 little one, that I ve been livin right in the house with 
 folks a good part of my life. Now if you 11 just answer 
 my questions the same as if I was human, I 11 sit up an* 
 beg, jump over a stick, an do all my other tricks for you." 
 Bill would allus tumble if you hit him hard enough, so after 
 a bit he grinned an said, " Well, Clarenden Castle is one 
 o the seats of the Cleighton family " 
 
 " Seat? " sez I. " I allus thought it was a house." 
 
 " You see, over in England they call " Bill began to 
 explain it to me an then he saw me grinnin an he broke 
 off short. " I know what a seat is, Bill," sez I. " They have 
 country seats an town seats; but some o you fellers pout 
 when you re obliged to live up to the rules, an I wanted 
 to see if you was square enough to own up after you d 
 been shown the s lots o fellers, not as well edicated as 
 you, who can t do it without groanin ." 
 
 Bill studied out this last remark before he answered, an* 
 
IN RETIREMENT 217 
 
 I was glad to notice it. Most fellers look for a marked 
 passage, but I like to train em out to pan everything I say, 
 an then do their own testin . Bill was all right. " Now, 
 dear teacher," sez he, " if we are through with that lesson, 
 we shall return to the original subject." We both laughed, 
 lookin into each other s eyes, an it did us good. 
 
 " Now this Cleighton family is a great family in England 
 and Scotland," sez Bill. " The Earl of Clarenden is the 
 head of one branch an the Duke of Avondale is the head 
 of another. The sons are called lords, an they have lots 
 of land, but are running shy on money, an the main stem 
 of the family is getting purty well thinned out." 
 
 " About this younger son that came to America, now ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " Well, the present Earl married beneath him I visited 
 close to Clarenden Castle, an I know all about it," sez Bill. 
 " He married an American girl with lots of money, Florence 
 Jamison of Philadelphia." 
 
 "Jamison? " sez I. 
 
 " Yes, Jamison," sez Bill. " I suppose you are well ac 
 quainted with the Philadelphia Jamisons ? " 
 
 " Well, that name does awaken a purty tol able fair- 
 sized echo," sez I, " but still, to be perfectly frank with 
 you, me an the Jamisons ain t on what you could call inti 
 mate terms any more." 
 
 " I m glad to learn it," sez Bill. " I d hate to think that 
 I had irritated you by implicatin that it was a come-down 
 for an English Earl to marry into your circle." Bill most 
 generally squoze all the dampness out of his jokes. " This 
 was his second marriage," Bill went on, " an he had one 
 son by it, named James Arthur Fitzhugh Patrick " 
 
 " That s plenty for me," sez I, breakin in. " The first 
 
218 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 two names is interestin to me, but the ain t no use loadin 
 down a feller with names till he has to pay excess baggage 
 on em. Now, how did this one get to be a younger son ? " 
 
 " Why, the first marriage of the Earl also resulted in a 
 son," sez Bill. " His first wife was a lady of quality, but 
 she had a weak constitution an the son has epolepsy. The 
 younger son was fitted for the army, but he got into a scrape, 
 was given a lump sum by his father, an came to this country, 
 where he disappeared. He also had an inheritance from 
 an aunt, a maiden sister of his mother, who did n t like the 
 first son for a minute." 
 
 " What kind of a scrape did the youngster get into, Bill? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " He was engaged to the daughter of the curat at Avon- 
 dale Chapel," sez Bill, " an he bein the heir presumptive to 
 the title " 
 
 " What is that, Bill? "sez I. 
 
 " The one what gets the title as soon as the one who is 
 holding it, dies, is the heir apparent, an the one who gets 
 the next chance is the heir presumptive. It s a legal term 
 an " 
 
 " Never mind explainin it then," sez I, " If I was to 
 live as long as Methusleh, all I d know about law would 
 be that ignorance was n t no excuse for it ; but what is a 
 curat ? " 
 
 " A curate is a sort of preacher," sez Bill. 
 
 " I thought it was some kind of a doctor. But what in 
 thunder did you mean when you said that gettin engaged 
 to the daughter of one was a scrape ? " sez I. 
 
 " W r hy, it would n t do for the heir presumptive to Clar- 
 enden, and a possible claimant to Avondale, to get engaged 
 to a person in that station of life ; he had to make up either 
 
IN RETIREMENT 219 
 
 to a heap of money or else a big title; he simply had to 
 marry a lady of quality," sez Bill. 
 
 " So he could contribute his share of epolepsy to the 
 family collection," I suppose," sez I. 
 
 " Well, James gets an awful callin down," sez Bill, " an 
 he cuts loose from the family an goes to live in London, 
 where he s a leftenant. Richard Cleighton, his cousin, who 
 is the heir presumptive, once removed, sneaks down there 
 an comes back with the report that James is married to 
 Alice LeMoyne, a music-hall dancer." 
 
 " Jim swung purty wide in his taste for women, did n t 
 he?" sez I. 
 
 " The upshot of it was," sez Bill, never heedin me, " that 
 they settled with James, an he lit out his mother had died 
 several years before. About four years after, this Alice 
 LeMoyne dies, an, on her deathbed she confesses that she 
 is the wife of Richard Cleighton an helped to put up 
 the job on James to get him out of the way, as the heir 
 apparent did n t look like a long-liver, an she thought 
 she would like to be an Erless, with a chance of being a 
 Duchess even." 
 
 " An you mean to tell me that this low-grade Dick 
 Cleighton puts up that job on Jim, just so he can beat him 
 to the title ? " sez I. 
 
 " Yes," sez Bill, " you see he was the heir presumptive, 
 only once removed." 
 
 " Well, if I d had the job o removin ," sez I, " once would 
 a been plenty." 
 
 " That put Richard out o the runnin ," sez Bill. " Lord 
 Wilfred, the apparent, was livin along all right, an the 
 old Earl had come to the conclusion that when it came to 
 a. presumptive, he d sooner have Jim ; so he turned the hose 
 
220 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 on Dick, an started out to find Jim. Jim wrote em from 
 New York that he was goin to South Africa, an then he 
 wrote cm from Australia that he was goin to India, an 
 then he wrote em from " 
 
 " Oh, those was only jokes," sez I. " Jim s all right ; but 
 what become of Dick ? " 
 
 "Nobody knows," sez Bill, "an nobody cares. He s 
 got lots better health than Lord Wilfred, but he s got 
 some epolepsy, too, an he s a mean sneak. His mother was 
 insane, but she left him a little bunch of money." 
 
 " She must have had more quality than the average of 
 em ; " sez I, " but hanged if I would n t sooner do without 
 the quality than to have all that epolepsy thrown in with it. 
 Jim s all right though, I 11 say that for the breed." 
 
 " Yes, Jim was a fine feller from all accounts," sez Bill, 
 " but where the Jink did you meet up with him ? " 
 
 " It s a state secret," sez I, " or I d let you in. Jim s 
 doin fine an I would n t for the world have him dragged 
 down where he d have to marry up with a lot o quality. 
 Now while you re givin your concert, I m goin out an 
 check up the stars." 
 
 I w r as purty well pleased with Bill. I had bothered him all 
 I could in the tellin an yet he had kept his temper an* 
 handed out the facts ; an I wanted to go over em forward 
 an back till I could get the full hang of em. It was won 
 derful queer how a ridin man like me had brushed shoulders, 
 as you might say, with the Earl of Clarenden, an I was 
 beginnin to think that old Mrs. Fate was stirrin things up 
 a shade extra. As a usual thing I don t go into scandal 
 an gossip so prodigious ; but I was hungry to have another 
 look at Jim, now that I knew he was the son of an Earl, 
 an I decided to pull out an give the Pan Handle a look-over 
 
IN RETIREMENT 221 
 
 as soon as it was handy. I spent about two hours that night 
 lookin at the stars an wishin they could tell me all they d 
 ever seen. They knew all that Barbie wanted to know, an* 
 I did n t seem able to git on the track, in spite of me readin 
 detective stories every chance I had. 
 
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN 
 
 CUPID 
 
 WELL, I didn t go down to the Pan Handle after all. I 
 just fatten on a new variety of entertainment an the sample 
 that Bill was puttin out amused me to the limit. Me 
 an Bill drove down to Danders on the first o May to get 
 some grub. Most o this breed has a purty tol able active 
 thirst, but Bill was unusual harmless when it came to storin 
 away liquor. About the only excitement Danders held out 
 to a temperance crank was goin down to the depot to watch 
 the train come in. This time the west-bound had to take a 
 sidin and wait twenty minutes for the east-bound; an a 
 feller got his dog out o the baggage car an started to 
 climb the mountains. 
 
 You fellers all know how this air is, but a stranger thinks 
 he can spit on a mountain that s ten miles off. When the 
 whistle blew, he made a good run an got on all right ; but 
 the pup was havin the time of his life an missed his chance 
 of gettin on the same car that the feller did. He was 
 game all right an give a purty jump onto the front platform 
 of the last car, where a big buck nigger was standin with 
 a white coat on. He give the pup a kick under the chin an* 
 sent him rollin over backward. 
 
 " Why, the vile wretch ! " yells Bill, at the same time 
 snatchin my gun out of the holster. I had barely time to 
 bump up his arm, an even as it was he knocked the paint 
 off right above the coon s head. Bill turned on me with 
 his eyes snappin sparks, an in a voice as cold as the click 
 
" Cupid " 
 
CUPID 223 
 
 of a Winchester, he sez, " Next time, John Hawkins, I 11 
 thank you to mind your own business." An he held the gun 
 kind o friendly like, with the muzzle pointin at my watch 
 pocket. 
 
 I own up I was jarred ; he d been as gentle as a butter 
 fly up to that minute, an here he was lookin into me with 
 the chilly eyes of a killin man ; but I put a little edge on my 
 own voice an sez, " Heretofore, I allus counted it my busi 
 ness to look after what my own gun was engaged in doin . 
 When you re sure that you re all through with it, I 11 thank 
 you to return it to where you found it." 
 
 Then I turned on my heel an strode up toward town ; 
 but he grabbed me by the shoulder an whirled me around. 
 " Here s your gun, Happy," sez he. " You know I did n t 
 aim to offend you. It was that confounded Zulu at riled 
 me up." 
 
 The pup had give up his chase after the train an* was 
 comin back the track to town, lookin mighty down in the 
 mouth he had a purty prominent mouth, too, the pup 
 had. He was a brindle bull ; not one o these that look like 
 an Injun idol, but a nice, clean-built, upstandin feller with 
 a quiet, business-like air. 
 
 " Purty tough on the pup to be turned out to starve this 
 way," sez I. 
 
 " Who s goin to let him starve? " sez Bill. " Come here, 
 old feller." 
 
 " Better look out," sez I, " bulldogs is fierce." 
 
 " So is men," sez Bill ; " an besides, this ain t no bull 
 dog, this is a London brindle bull-terrier, an a cracker jack. 
 Look at the brass collar he s wearin . This ain t no stray. 
 I 11 telegraph ahead an see if they want him expressed." 
 
 Bill caught the feller at the next station, an he telegraphed 
 
224 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 back that he d been havin trouble with the pup all along 
 the line ; an if we d keep him a month, he d stop an get 
 him on his way back. He sent us ten dollars to pay expenses. 
 I never believed that they could send money by telegraph 
 before; but I saw the agent give it to Bill, with my own 
 eyes. 
 
 We all went to the hotel for dinner, the pup lookin 
 miserable sorrowful. Frenchy was goin to kick the pup 
 out he was a low-grade heathen, but he was big an he 
 did n t mind a little trouble now and again. 
 
 " If this dog can t eat here, neither can I," sez Bill, " but 
 as for your kickin him out, you d better pray for guidance 
 before you tackle that job." 
 
 " Do you think I m afraid o that cur? " sneers Frenchy. 
 
 " Cur! " yells Bill. " Cur? Why you maul-headed, mis 
 shapen blotch on the face o nature, what do you mean by 
 callin this dog a cur ! I never saw this dog before to-day ; 
 but I 11 bet ten to one that I can find out who his great- 
 great-grandfather s great-great-grandfather was ; an I 
 doubt if you know who your own father happened to be." 
 
 Bill was firin at random o course, but it looked as if he 
 had hit somethin . Frenchy was fair crazy. He pulled out 
 his gun an came chargin down on us. Bill tried to get 
 mine again, but I thought I d better run it myself just then. 
 I covered Frenchy, Frenchy covered Bill, an the bull pup 
 turned his back on us and looked down toward the depot, 
 to see if his train was comin back. 
 
 " Better put up your gun, Frenchy," I sez, soft as a wood 
 dove, " or you 11 get this office all mussed up." 
 
 Well, he knew me; so we arbitrated a little an then we 
 all went in an the pup et his dinner like any other Christian, 
 payin for it himself out of his own money. First thing 
 
/ 
 
 " Better put up your gun, Frenchy, er you 11 git this office 
 all mussed up " 
 
CUPID 225 
 
 after dinner, Bill went out an bought a gun of his own, an* 
 I scented trouble. He was n t old enough to shoot only 
 from principle, not merely for practice. 
 
 The was another young feller at Frenchy s with a lot 
 o hot money in his clothes. He seemed to have a deep-felt 
 prejudice against fire, too, the way he was blowin it in. 
 When Bill came back, the young feller tried to buy the dog 
 from him. Bill was polite an refused to sell, givin as the 
 main reason that the dog did n t fully belong to him yet, but 
 the feller pestered around until finally he offered Bill two 
 hundred dollars for the dog. 
 
 " You ain t no fool when it comes to a dog," sez Bill, 
 " but I m givin you the honest truth. This here pup don t 
 belong to me though if I can buy him I sure intend to 
 do it." 
 
 " How far would you go when it came to payin for him ? " 
 sez the man. 
 
 " Well, I d give two fifty for him just on speculation," 
 sez Bill. " He s put together, this pup is ; but I did n t 
 suppose at you people out here in the cattle country would 
 know enough about the points of a dog, to offer two hundred 
 for just a fancy one." 
 
 " I don t know nothin about the points o that dog," sez 
 the feller. " I never even saw a dog like that one before ; but 
 when I see a man willin to go the pace you went for this 
 dog, I d kind o sort o like to own the dog." 
 
 Bill got interested in the feller an began pumpin him for 
 what he called copy. The young feller had punched cattle 
 most of his life, blowin in his wages at variegated intervals. 
 About a month before he had slipped over to Laramie an* 
 had gone against Silver Dick s game, winnin over eleven 
 hundred dollars. He said that Silver Dick was plumb on 
 
 15 
 
226 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 the square an that he never intended to work again, just 
 spend down to his last hundred an then go an play at 
 Silver Dick s. Bill got a paper an figured out what he 
 called percents, showin how an outsider was bound to lose 
 to the game in the end; but most o the fellers there had 
 been up against Dick s game an they took sides against 
 Bill, tryin to prove that they stood a show to win, until 
 finally Bill give it up an we started back home. 
 
 When we started home, Bill was still discoursin about 
 us Westerners. He said that we was n t nothin but a lot o 
 children playin games an believin in fairy tales, that we 
 never provided for the future, that we was allus willin to 
 risk anything we had on some fool thing that would n t ben 
 efit us none, an so on until I got weary of it, an after I d 
 took a shuffle I dealt him out this hand. 
 
 "An the"s another breed," sez I, "that ain t nothin 
 but children an that s the writers. An idea comes along 
 an stings em like a bee, an they immejetly begin to 
 swell. They swell an swell until the whole earth ain t 
 nothin but the background for that bee-sting. They howl 
 about it as if it was the most important thing in creation; 
 but if you call around next week, you find that swellin 
 gone down an they re howlin just as fierce over a new 
 swellin where a different idea has stung em ; ain t it so ? " 
 
 " Not exactly," sez Bill ; " for we set down our thoughts 
 an emotions while we re smartin from the sting an the 
 other fellers can get the sense of em an pass judgment 
 on em in cold blood without gettin stung at all." 
 
 " Well, you landed there," sez I, " but the was n t one o 
 those fellers there to-day, who was a quarter whit more 
 childish n what you was. Talk about providin for their fu 
 ture! Why, the way you went on over this stray pup, purt* 
 
CUPID 227 
 
 nigh put you in the position of a man who did n t have no 
 future to provide for, an what in thunder good can this here 
 pup ever do you, no matter what happens ? " 
 
 The pup was sittin with his head between Bill s knees, 
 an Bill pulled his ear a time or two, an then sez, " I reckon 
 you re right ; the whole earth ain t nothin but a kinder 
 garten. We all play different games an when you stop an 
 look at it they all cost about the same in the end an they 
 all bring in about the same profit ; but I m glad I m livin 
 anyhow ; an I m glad I ve got this dog. I m special fond 
 o dogs." 
 
 You could n t help likin Bill ; he allus played in the open 
 an when he kept score, he give you all the points you made 
 without fussin over em ; but I did n t like the look o that 
 new outfit on his hip. He was too impulsive to carry a gun, 
 an he was too young. Take it when a man has had some 
 experience in gun-fightin , he gets purty sober over the 
 effect of it ; but a young feller well, who on earth knows 
 what way a young feller is goin to jump when he gets 
 touched up a little? 
 
 " That s a purty likely lookin gun you got there, Bill," 
 sez I. " Do you savvy how to run one? " 
 
 He took it out of his pocket an looked around, but the 
 was n t nothin in sight that needed killin , so he began to 
 pop at an old single-tree lyin about thirty yards away. The 
 ponies were trottin along purty jerky, but hanged if he 
 did n t hit it four times out of six. 
 
 " It don t just hang to suit me," sez Bill, " but I 11 learn it 
 after a bit." 
 
 I looked at him a moment, but he was merely speakin his 
 mind, an I sez : " Bill, where in Goshen did you get to be 
 a killin man?" 
 
228 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " Me? " sez Bill. " I never shot a man in my life, but I 
 used to knock down glass balls purty accurate, an I ve 
 hunted big game in Africa an India. I don t want no 
 trouble, but I m set in my ways about dogs. It s a heap o 
 responsibility to raise a pup ; but I m goin to give this one 
 a fair show, an I m goin to own him some way or another 
 I feel it in my bones that this here dog was sent to me. 
 I had a dog, the livin picture o this feller once, an he traded 
 his life for mine, out there in the Indian Jungle. Now 
 don t ask me any questions about it." 
 
 That night after we d got the supper things red up, Bill 
 sez : " Now I don t want no one to punish this dog but me, 
 till he gets his edication. I don t care a bean for a trick 
 dog; all I expect him to learn is just English an a part o 
 the sign langwidge, so as he 11 be pleasant company an use 
 ful in an emergency. I 11 pay for any property he destroys, 
 but please don t punish him." 
 
 The pup was about fifteen months old when he came, an* 
 at first he sorrowed a heap for his old boss ; but purty soon 
 he see that Bill knew more about dogs n he did himself, 
 so he just transferred his affections over to Bill. Bill never 
 raised his voice, he never whipped him nor even threatened 
 him; he just reasoned with him an explained why it was 
 necessary to learn the conventionalities o polite society. It 
 took him a solid week to learn that pup how to shake hands, 
 an yet Bill told us confidential that he was certain that the 
 pup knew it all the while; but at the end of the week the 
 pup gave in, an from that on he was as eager for knowledge 
 as a new-born baby. 
 
 Cupid was the name of the pup, engraved right on to 
 his brass collar, an when he set his mind on acquirin an 
 edication, he made me an the Kid leery at he d beat us at 
 
CUPID 229 
 
 the finish in spite of our start. He could walk on his hind 
 legs an speak an open an shut doors an wipe his feet on 
 the door-mat an roll over an pray an oh, well he knew 
 em all an six more ; but Bill said it was n t learnin the 
 tricks that counted, it was learnin to think for himself. Bill 
 used to put obstacles in his way, so that the pup would have 
 to cipher a while to figger out how to work it, an this was 
 what Bill called stretchin his intellect to match his envira- 
 ment. He was some the solemnest pup I ever see, an it was 
 kind o creepy to see him come to the shack, open the door, 
 slam it after him, wipe his feet on the burlap, look into Bill s 
 face, an give a short bark. This was to ask if Bill had any 
 new jobs for him. 
 
 I had it all planned out that the pup was to sleep in the 
 wagon shed ; but this did n t look good to the pup, nor to 
 Bill, neither. When night would come, Cupid would go 
 through his lessons, eat his supper, an fling himself slaunch- 
 ways on the wide bunk. He did n t weigh more n sixty 
 pounds, but they was the solidest sixty ever wrapped up in 
 a dog hide. He would n t mind no one but Bill, an it was 
 all I could do to get room enough on the perch to hang on. 
 Then Bill would open up his vau-dee-ville show, an when 
 he d simmer down, the pup would begin to chase jack- 
 rabbits, which was the most devilish-lookin sight I ever see. 
 He d lay there with his eyelids rolled up, an his eyes 
 turned inside out, givin short barks an jerkin his legs. 
 
 " Bill," I sez one night, " I ain t no chronic coward, but 
 doggone me if I want to be mistook for a jack-rabbit, an 
 have this bulldog sock his ivories into me." 
 
 " He ain t no bulldog," snaps Bill. " It looks to me as if 
 you might learn purty soon that he s a brindle bull-terrier ! " 
 
 " Oh, I know that all right, an I *m willin to swear to 
 
230 H A P P Y HA W K I N S 
 
 it," sez I, " but just now it s his teeth, not his ancestors, that 
 are botherin me. If I m to be mistook for a jack-rabbit, 
 I ain t nowise particular just which kind of a bulldog is 
 goin to do the mistakin ." 
 
 Bill, he smiled sadly an walked over an stuck his naked 
 finger right into the pup s mouth. I looked to see it bit 
 off, but the pup only opened his eyes, looked foolish, an 
 tramped down another acre of imaginary grass; finally 
 goin to sleep again an usin my feet for a piller. 
 
 Talk about grit ! That little cuss was willin to fight any 
 thing that walked. We took him out to the herd one day, 
 an after he d been kicked an tossed an trampled, he got 
 on to throwin a steer by the nose, an from that on it was 
 his favorite pastime. He played the game so enthusiastic, 
 that I finally sez to Bill, " Bill, you must n t forget that 
 Colonel Scott has other uses for these cattle besides usin 
 em for dog exercisers." From that on, Bill made the pup 
 be a little more temperate in the use o steers. 
 
 The muscles on that pup got to be like hard rubber, an 
 you could n t pinch him hard enough to make him squeak. 
 He allus took a serious view o life except when the was 
 a chance for a little rough an tumble; then his face would 
 light up like an angel s. Pullin on a rope was his idee o 
 draw poker, an he could wear out the whole bunch -of us 
 at it Bill fair idolized him fact is, we all thought a heap 
 of him ; but I d a liked him a mite better if the d been 
 more bunks in the shack. 
 
 If he got cold, he d scratch your face till you let him 
 under the covers, an then when he got too hot, he d pull 
 the covers off an roll em into a nice soft heap, with himself 
 on top. He never overlooked himself much, the pup did n t. 
 First I knew, I got to missin a right smart o sleep that 
 
CUPID 231 
 
 really belonged to me ; cause, while I m opposed to speakin 
 ill o the absent, I d just about as soon try to sleep with a 
 colicky hoss as with Bill an the pup. When the pup was n t 
 chasm imaginary jack-rabbits or live fleas, Bill was jumpin 
 up an down to write somethin new into his book; until 
 Kid Porter swore that if any more came, he was goin to 
 leave. 
 
 I like a dog the full limit, but I never hankered to sleep 
 with em, not when they have fleas ; an when they don t, 
 they allus put me in mind of a man at uses perfumery. I 
 tried to devise a plan for sleepin on the floor, but I could n t 
 engineer it through. 
 
 " No," sez Bill, in a hurt kind of a tone, " I would n t 
 inconvenience you for the world. Me an Cupid will sleep 
 on the floor." Well, there I was. I m as tender-hearted as 
 a baby antelope, so I just turned it off as a joke, an got 
 to sleepin in the saddle on the return trip. 
 
 Nothin on earth made Bill so mad as to call the pup a 
 bulldog, though if he was n t one, he sure looked the part. 
 I knowed it would n t do to take too many chances, so me 
 an the Kid used to post the boys, an when one of em would 
 drop in an say as natural as though he was chattin about 
 the weather : " That s a mighty fine London, brindle, bull- 
 terrier you-uns have got," Bill s face would light up as if 
 he was the mother of it, an he would turn in an preach us 
 a sermon on dogs. That was why you liked Bill: he was 
 just the same all the way through an if he was friendly 
 when it paid, you was certain sure he d be just as friendly 
 when it cost. 
 
 Colonel Scott s niece came out to visit him some time in 
 May, an we heard of her long before we saw her. Bout 
 every one we met had somethin to tell about what a really, 
 
232 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 truly heart-buster she was. She learned to ride, an* one 
 afternoon she an the Colonel struck our outfit just in front 
 of a howlin storm. 
 
 The was n t no show to get back to headquarters that 
 night, so we smoothed out the wide bunk for the lady, an 
 us men planned to flop in the shed. She sure had dandy 
 manners! She pitched in an helped us get supper, an we 
 had about everything to eat that a man could think of side 
 meat an boiled beans an ham an corn-bread an baked beans 
 an flapjacks an fried potatoes an bean soup, an coffee so 
 stout that you couldn t see the bottom in a teaspoonful of 
 it. We just turned ourselves loose an gave her a banquet. 
 
 As soon as the dishes was off our hands, we started in to 
 be jovial. Me an the Kid was n t just altogether at home, 
 but Bill was right in his element. He played, an him an 
 her sang, an they talked, an it was the most festive function 
 I ever see; until the pup came in an jumped up on the wide 
 bunk where she was settin . " Oh, take that horrid bull 
 dog away ! " she squealed. 
 
 I dreaded the result ; but I sez to myself, " Now surely 
 that doggone ijit won t throw a call-down into the lady," 
 but he did. " Miss Johnston," sez he, " that ain t no bulldog. 
 That s a high-bred London bull-terrier. How would you 
 like to be called a Chinaman ? Come here, Cupid." 
 
 It was like throwin a bucket o water on a bed o coals. 
 Bill was like an oyster from that on, an the girl looked as 
 if she d been slapped. I was mad all the way through. 
 It s all right for a man to be crazy, if he 11 only keep it 
 private, but the ain t no sense in tryin to get the whole 
 balance o creation over to his side. 
 
 The Colonel thought it a mighty prime joke to have his 
 niece called down over a bull pup, an he chuckled about it 
 
" Oh, take that horrid bulldog away ! she squealed " 
 
CUPID 233 
 
 consid able. Next mornin he made Bill promise to come 
 over an visit him ; but the girl said her good-byes to me an 
 the Kid. From that on, Bill was over to headquarters half 
 his time, but it did n t do him much good. The girl would n t 
 stand for the pup, an Bill would n t go back on him ; so it 
 looked purty much like a deadlock. 
 
 One Sunday about the first of August, we was all sittin* 
 in the shade of the shack, lookin down into the valley. 
 The shack backed up against a massive crag on the edge of 
 a high plateau. The road from headquarters came in from 
 the North, wound around a steep butte, then along the top 
 o the cliff to where it slid down into the valley to Danders. 
 
 We heard the thud o hoofs an turnin around, we saw 
 the Colonel s niece tearin down the road on a big hoss. It 
 was a plain case of runaway, an I felt something break 
 inside my chest. They were headin straight for the top 
 o the cliff, the hoss was goin too fast to make the turn, an 
 we was too far off to beat him to it. 
 
 We simply stood there like a flock o sheep, without a 
 single thought among us. The did n t seem to be a thing 
 to do, but just watch em plunge two hundred feet into the 
 ravine. I glanced at Bill, but I hardly knew him. His 
 brows was drawn down like a wildcat s, his jaws was 
 clamped so tight you could hear em grit, an his eyes seemed 
 to smoke. 
 
 I looked back to the road again, an there was the pup, 
 standin down by the road watchin the hoss runnin toward 
 him. I touched Bill on the shoulder, an sez, " Can the pup 
 do anything, Bill? " Bill gave a sigh as though he had just 
 come back from the dead, an in a voice that wavered an* 
 trembled, but still rang out like a trumpet, he yelled : " Throw 
 him, Cupid, throw him ! " 
 
234 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Lord, man! I wish you could have seen it. The mane 
 bristled up on that dog s back an his muscles bulged out till 
 he looked like a stone image. We heard him give a low 
 whine, like as if he knowed it was too big a job for a little 
 feller like him. But did he try to flunk it ? Not him. Then 
 I knew at he was n t neither a bulldog nor a bull-terrier, 
 but a little sixty-pound hero, willin to pass out his life 
 any time at Bill would draw a check for it. 
 
 We fair helt our breath as he backed away from the road 
 an took a little easy gallop until the hoss was near even with 
 him. Another dog would have blown his lungs loose, tellin 
 what he was a-goin to do; but Cupid never said a word. 
 His lip curled up till you could catch the glisten of those 
 wicked white teeth of his, an then when the hoss was right 
 alongside an it looked as if he had lost his chance, he gave 
 a couple of short jumps an threw himself for the critter s 
 nose. 
 
 Well, I can t rightly tell you just what did happen then. 
 I saw him make his spring an swing around full sweep, 
 hangin on to the hoss s nose; but from that on the whole 
 earth seemed to be shook loose. The hoss keeled over like 
 he was shot, the girl seemed to turn a somerset in the air, an* 
 light all in a heap, with one arm hangin over the edge of the 
 cliff. We heard a shriek, a little smothered yelp, an then 
 we ran down to them. 
 
 Bill looked first toward the girl an then toward the pup, 
 an it was tearin his heart apart to tell which one he would 
 go to first. Finally he ran to the girl an carried her back 
 from the cliff. He knelt an put his ear to her heart, then 
 he took her wrist an after what seemed a mighty long time, 
 he gave a little sigh, an sez, " Kid, run for some water. 
 Run! What do you stand lookin at me for? " 
 
CUPID 235 
 
 The Kid, he certainly did run, while Bill stepped over 
 to where Cupid was layin , still an quiet, but with a piece 
 o the hoss s nose still in his grip. The hoss s right 
 shoulder was broke an he could n t get up, but was 
 thrashin an strugglin around. " Get your gun an put 
 that hoss out of his misery, Happy," sez Bill, an the was 
 somethin in his tone that filled me plumb full o the spirit 
 of action. 
 
 When I came back, the Kid was pourin a bucket o water 
 over the girl, an Bill, with the tears rollin down his cheeks, 
 was feelin over the body of the little bull-pup. I put the 
 muzzle to within an inch o the soft spot in the hoss s fore 
 head, an fired. The hoss s head sank, an then I gulped a 
 couple o times like a flabby galoot, an sez, " Bill, do you 
 reckon the brindle bull-terrier 11 pull through ? " 
 
 "Get me some o that water," sez Bill. When I got 
 it, he showed me a place where the whole o the pup s scalp 
 had been kicked loose. I could n t see what good water was 
 goin to do, but Bill would n t give up. " I can t find where 
 the skull is broke/ he sez, " an maybe the water 11 fetch 
 him around." 
 
 He poured some water over the little feller s face, but 
 it did n t seem to be no use. He just lay still with his head 
 on Bill s knee, an* I knew it was all up with little Cupid ; but 
 just to please Bill, I gave him a flask, I happened to have, 
 an sez, " Give the little feller a drink, Bill. He never was 
 used to hittin it none, an it 11 have a powerful effect on 
 him." Bill opened the pup s mouth an poured in a tol able 
 stiff swig, an by cracky, the pup opened his eyes, an when 
 he saw Bill bendin down over him, he tried to wag his 
 little tail. 
 
 Well, Bill took that pup up in his arms an hugged him 
 
236 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 an if the s any one in this crowd that feels like laughin , 
 it 11 be healthier for im to step outside. 
 
 Then Bill picked up the pup, an motioned for me an 
 the Kid to tote the lady up to the shack, an we did it, though 
 it was n t fittin work for a couple o ridin men. She had 
 fully come to when we reached the shack, an we laid her on 
 the wide bunk. Bill put the pup on the narrow bunk, washed 
 out the hole in his head, an tied it up with a clean hand 
 kerchief. Then he crossed over an spoke to the girl. I 
 could easy tell by his voice that the last time they had 
 parted it had been a little stormy. 
 
 " Miss Johnston," he sez in a low tone, " are you sufferin 
 much?" 
 
 She owned up to a perfectly rippin headache, an said 
 she was sore all over; but it was her ankle at pained her 
 most. Bill started to look at it ; but she reddened up an 
 tried to draw it under her. Bill never paid any attention 
 to her, but sez calmly, " I ve had consid able experience, 
 Miss Johnston. A great deal depends on promptness. Now 
 just let the limb lay natural till I remove the shoe." 
 
 Me an the Kid started to break for the foothills, but he 
 set me to makin bandages, an sent the Kid after some more 
 water. We was losin our age fast, an Bill s voice sounded 
 like grandpa s. He said it was a corkin bad sprain, but 
 he tied it up an wet down the bandages ; an then he sent me 
 to headquarters after the spring- wagon, an the Kid to 
 Danders for the doctor. 
 
 We both got back before daylight, an by that time Bill 
 an the girl had come to a purty harmonious agreement 
 concernin the proper standin of a brindle bull-terrier. 
 When I came in he was holdin the lady s hand an I was 
 the only one what reddened up. 
 
41 Bill and the girl had come to a pretty harmonious 
 agreement " 
 
CHAPTER NINETEEN 
 
 BARBIE MAKES A DISCOVERY 
 
 JESSAMIE, that was Miss Johnston s real name, had been 
 ridin one o the Colonel s high-breds, an again orders at 
 that; but the Colonel was purty comfortable like at the 
 upshot. Bill was fitted out with a pedigree an a bank 
 account what made him a parlor guest purty much every 
 where he went, an on top o that it tickled the Colonel a 
 heap to have things ironed out by the bull pup himself. 
 
 I didn t much suppose when I see that sorrowful pup 
 pikin back the track that he was doomed to achieve promi 
 nence an fame, but Fate had him entered on her book 
 all right, an he made so everlastin good that it would n t 
 have surprised me a mite if they d have run him for 
 Governor. 
 
 You just bet your life the other feller never got him again ! 
 Why they d a had to bring the whole standin army to 
 filch that dog away from Bill after the big doin s. Out 
 here in Wyoming it s a test of class owners of one of 
 Cupid s pups are first-class, others belong to the herd. 
 
 It was two weeks after the accident that us four 
 countin Kid Porter was sittin in exactly the same place 
 back of the shack; only this time Bill was pullin the 
 pup s ears. Bill had n t spent overly much time with us the 
 last fortnight, an we were talkin it all over, when hanged 
 if we did n t hear the thud of hoofs again, an I reckon we 
 all turned blue. 
 
 Cupid himself appeared a shade disgusted at the prospect 
 
238 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 of an encore. He had only just shed his bandages, an the 
 flap on his lid was still too tender to scratch, so that you 
 can t hardly blame him for takin the narrow view of it. 
 We jumped around the corner of the house, but the was 
 two riders this time, an while they was spinnin along at 
 a purty merry clip, they had control of the hosses all right. 
 Both of em was girls, an one of em was Jessamie. When 
 I see who the other was, I felt as though I was standin on 
 the outer edge of a fleecy cloud. It was Barbie. I ducked 
 back around the corner of the house. 
 
 Bill, he ran down an helped his lady to alight, while 
 Barbie flopped herself off her mount an ran up to Cupid. 
 Oh, they know a heap, dogs do. Cupid took just one look 
 in her eyes, an when she squatted down on her knees, he 
 tried to get into her lap an they made a heap o fuss over 
 each other. I could tell by her eyes that Jessamie felt a 
 shade jealous, cause Cupid had n t quite forgiven her for 
 slightin him at the first. I was watchin em through a 
 chink in the shack and I was feelin purty glum myself, to 
 think that Barbie would spend all that time on a dog an 
 never give one little inquiry about me. 
 
 Well, they examined the spot where Cupid had made his 
 tackle, an the dent in the earth where the hoss an Jessamie 
 had lit, an then they meandered up to the house to see just 
 how helpless we d been, aside from Cupid. 
 
 " Well, you all had a share in it ; " Barbie was sayin as 
 they neared the shack. " Cupid did the actual work, you 
 trained him for it, and Higinson had the kind of a nerve 
 that don t melt under fire." 
 
 " Sure thing," sez Bill, " I own up that I was plumb 
 petrified, an Cupid was n t carin much one way or the other ; 
 but Hank Higinson never lost his self-possession a second," 
 
ADISCOVERY 239 
 
 this was all bosh, cause I was purty nigh stampeded, an 
 that s the simple truth. 
 
 " Where is he ? " sez Barbie. " I want to see him an* 
 then I can tell just about how much he could do on his own 
 hook." 
 
 I was feelin a sight better. I saw exactly how it was. 
 Bill an all the rest o the fellers had done exactly what 
 I had hinted at an had n t divulged my identity, an 
 Barbie hadn t the slightest idea that I was in the state. 
 Those people who know precisely the right time to disobey 
 orders, are a big help to humanity ; but they re mighty 
 scarce. 
 
 Bill, he opened the door of the shack, an sez, " Come on 
 out, Hank, a lady wants to be introduced to you." 
 
 I stepped to the door feelin wonderful bashful, but when 
 Barbie saw me, she went several different colors an shouts : 
 " Happy, Happy Hawkins ! What on earth do you mean 
 by bein here?" 
 
 Her voice was trembly an accusin an reproachful an 
 glad an a lot of other things ; an I found it mighty hard to 
 come back with a joke, quick enough to suit me. I felt 
 sort o flighty, with her big dark eyes lookin into me, an 
 while I was stutterin she opened up on me an give me a 
 good old-fashioned scoldin an I felt dandy. Bill, he was 
 troubled some with startin eyes. Jessamie was breedy all 
 right, but compared to Barbie, she looked like a six o suit 
 alongside the queen o trumps. 
 
 " Why," sez Barbie, turnin to Jessamie, " everything al 
 ways goes right when Happy s present. I might have 
 known from your description that it was Happy who saw 
 the only way " 
 
 " Oh, pshaw, now," sez I, breakin in, " I did n t do a 
 
240 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 blasted thing. Cupid here was the master workman on this 
 job, while Bill " 
 
 " That s all true enough," sez Barbie, " you have the 
 gift of hidin yourself in your work; but I can see you just 
 the same." 
 
 It was certainly comfortin to hear the way she went on 
 about it ; but it was a little too cold-blooded for my nerves, 
 cause I had n t done a thing this time but make one small 
 suggestion ; so we finally compromised by admittin that now 
 an again, I was picked out to be the nail on the finger of 
 Fate. Sometimes I rather think that comes purty close to 
 hittin me. 
 
 Jessamie had graduated from the university where Barbie 
 was goin , at the close of Barbie s first year. They had 
 met, an remembered each other ; an as soon as the news of 
 the doin s had reached the Diamond Dot, of course Barbie 
 piked over to make a call. The outcome was that when the 
 Colonel sent out a man to take my place, I rode back to the 
 Diamond Dot with Barbie, an it was mighty good to be 
 there again. 
 
 Jabez give me a good firm hand-shake, an I did n t rub 
 it in about the silkworms ; so that everything just slid along 
 as smooth as joint-oil, an I had a good opportunity to 
 estimate the benefit of Barbie s schoolin . She was a heap 
 more changed than I had supposed at first; the was a way 
 she had of holdin her head an walkin an talkin , that 
 showed me quick enough that money spent on her edication 
 was n t nowise wasted. 
 
 But she went back to her last year soon after this, intendin 
 to be the best maid at Jessamie s weddin . This weddin* 
 was a curious thing an opened my eyes purty wide to the 
 ways of women. I d a been willin to bet my saddle that 
 
ADISCOVERY 241 
 
 the one man she never would marry, was Bill ; but she owned 
 up herself that she had made up her mind to marry him the 
 first night they met. She was n t quite sure of it until him 
 an her had the fall-out over Cupid, and that settled it. She 
 said a man who had the spunk to stick up for his dog the 
 way Bill did would be a purty handy kind to have around 
 the house, an she was just try in him out to see how far 
 he d go. She was actually fond of dogs all the time, 
 especially bulldogs. A girl-baby three years old could 
 have fooled Methusaleh in his prime, an that means after 
 he d had about six hundred years of experience. She s 
 a wonderful invention, woman. 
 
 All the while before Barbie left, she was try in to plan out 
 what use she was goin to put her edication to. Sometimes 
 she was minded to go on the stage, at others lawyerin 
 looked good to her, but most of the time she seemed to think 
 that a female doctor would come nearer fittin her than any 
 thing else. 
 
 Me an Jabez worried about it a heap; but we was wise 
 enough to hide it. We knew that Barbie carted around at 
 all times what they call a spirit of combativity, which fat 
 tened on opposition, an we preferred to let her scrap it 
 out with herself, hopin that what she finally decided on 
 would be all for the best. 
 
 Jabez said good-bye at the edge of the ranch, while I drove 
 her over to Webb Station. I kind o fought shy of Danders 
 cause it seemed to me that the was always some kind of a 
 job waitin for me there, an Barbie had left me a heap of 
 work for that winter. 
 
 " Have you learned anything yet ? " she asked me, after 
 the train had pulled into sight an we was shakin hands. 
 
 " Not a thing for certain," sez I. " I ve stumbled onto 
 
 16 
 
242 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 several rumors, but they always went out. Do you still 
 study over it much, Barbie ? " 
 
 " Never a day goes by but what I study over it," sez she. 
 " There is n t anything I would n t give to know about my 
 mother all about her." 
 
 " Are you sure, Barbie ? " said I. 
 
 She thought hard a minute, an then she threw back her 
 head an looked into my eyes. " Yes," she said, in a low 
 tone, " I d give everything even the love and respect I 
 feel for my father." 
 
 I gave a little shiver. " Barbie," I sez, " I don t think 
 you 11 ever have to pay that high a price. I never saw your 
 Dad cruel in cold blood, an he s purty just." 
 
 " Oh, I would rather die than find out that he d ever 
 been cruel to my mother ; but I do want to know about her ; 
 and some day I will." She squeezed my hand hard and her 
 eyes were wet with tears when she stepped on the train ; but 
 she tried to smile, she sure did. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY 
 
 RICHARD WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 
 
 WELL, that winter rolled by without a break. Me an Jabez 
 had just about learned how to take each other, an we did n t 
 stretch our harness to the snappin point. Bill Andrews 
 had finally got tol able well acquainted with me also, an 
 was able to savvy that while peace was my one great desire, 
 the was some prices that I would n t pay for it. 
 
 We was all het up when the graduation day finally came, 
 an we did n t do a lick of work on the ranch ; just gathered 
 around the ranch buildin s, polishin up her harness an* 
 hosses, an talkin about her in hushed voices. She had won 
 honors an medals an one thing or another until I reckon we 
 felt purty much as Mrs. Washington did when she was 
 cleanin house to welcome the father of his country after he 
 had showed England where to reset the boundery stakes. 
 
 Barbie had wrote us that she was goin to cut out a string 
 of invitations as long as your arm and pike right out for 
 home as soon as she had finished her part of the program, 
 an we were n t able to do a tap until she arrived. At first 
 I was minded to drive down after her, an then I decided 
 that it would be better for me to stay at home an line up 
 the boys in some sort of style to receive her. Spider Kelley 
 went after her and as soon as they hove in sight I had all 
 the punchers charge down an shoot their guns off in the air. 
 They was wearin their gaudiest raiment an shoutin their 
 heads off, an she owned up herself that it topped anything 
 she ever saw in the East. 
 
244 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 She stood up in the buckboard an took off her hat an* 
 swung it about her head and shouted, " Boys, you re just 
 bully every one of you ! " an say, the was n t a puncher 
 on the Diamond Dot that would n t have given up his hide 
 to make her a pair o ridin gloves. Jabez had waited back 
 at the ranch house an he was tremblin when we left him to 
 ride down an meet her. 
 
 Here she was, comin back for the last time with all the 
 learnin of the earth packed away in her head, an niched up 
 with more degrees than a thermometer ; but it had n t changed 
 her heart, not one grain ; an when she saw the home build- 
 in s with ol Mount Savage sittin up on his throne an all 
 the little peaks bowin before him, like pages to a king, she 
 jes threw out her arms as though she would take in the 
 whole outfit in one big hug, an her eyes filled up with tears as 
 she sez, " Oh, Dad, I love it ! I love every inch of it, every 
 line of it, every shade of it ; an I ve hungered an thirsted 
 for it all these years an for you, Dad, for you most of 
 all." 
 
 Well, you should have seen Jabez. Beam ? Why, I reckon 
 you could have lit a cigar on his face, an he fluttered around 
 like a hen with one chicken an that one a duck. He could n t 
 quite believe that it was all true and that he was actually 
 awake. He had worried so long about her cuttin into some 
 new game as soon as her schoolin was done that he hardly 
 dared rejoice for fear it would wake him up ; but it did n t 
 take her long to begin enjoyin her old freedom again. It 
 took us some longer to adjust ourselves to her, however. 
 
 Now she had n t changed such an awful sight, an yet the* 
 was somethin about her at made you feel like touchin your 
 hat when she issued an order. Not that she was uppity nor 
 nothin : she rambled around playin with the colts an the 
 
WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 245 
 
 calves, an rompin with the dogs, an fairly stackin up the 
 whole place in little heaps. An she rustled up her old som 
 brero an leggin s just as though she had never set a hoof off 
 the range. Still, the was somethin about her you could n t 
 quite put your finger on ; but which you knew in your heart 
 was there all the time, awaitin till she made up her mind to 
 call it out; like a handful o regulars givin dignity to a 
 scrawny two by twice fort in the Injun country. 
 
 We took up our ridin again, an just as I was gettin used 
 to it, along comes a feller lookin about two thirds starved. 
 His clothes was ragged an soiled, he had forgot his bag 
 gage, he was on foot (an when I say on foot, I don t only 
 mean that he was dispensin with the luxury of a pony ; he 
 was also unencumbered with soles to his boots), but he had 
 indoor hands, a back as straight as an Injun s, an a way 
 of flingin up his head an drawin down his brows when you 
 spoke to him sudden, which proved at trampin was only 
 a sideline with him. He put in an application as cook for 
 the home gang. 
 
 OF Cast Steel looked into him: examined his eyes, his 
 hands, an the way he carried his head. Then he spoke kind 
 o slow an drawly. " Cook ? " sez he. " Well, I d be willin 
 to bet at you ve stayed up till three o clock a heap more 
 times n you have ever arose at this wholesome hour. What 
 can you cook ? " 
 
 Well, the feller he laughed, an sez, " You win. I own 
 up at I ain t no cook, nor I ain t no cow puncher ; but my 
 pension has stopped an my appetite is still runnin . I never 
 yet recall readin no notice of any cook what died of 
 starvation." 
 
 Jabez grinned. " I don t ask no man about his past," sez 
 he. " No man knows nothin about his future. As for the 
 
246 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 present, you can help with the cookin . Flap Jack is due for 
 his bender, week after next, an if you can learn the trade 
 by that time you 11 come in handy." 
 
 T was the first time I ever heard ol Cast Steel vary his 
 hirin speech ; so I knew at he too had the feller spotted for 
 a stray ; but he rolled up his sleeves an started to peel spuds 
 for the evenin slum. He said that his name was Richard 
 Whittington, an while he did n t talk overly extensive about 
 himself, he was n t nowise offish nor snarly. He did his 
 work up to the limit too, an even ol Flap Jack did n t com 
 plain as much as he generally did whenever he was furnished 
 with a little extra help. 
 
 The peculiar thing was the way at Barbie treated him. 
 She came down to the cook shack soon after he landed, with 
 a lot of Jabez old clothes an a pair of boots, cause anything 
 in distress got to her heart by the shortest cut. She came 
 lopin along with about fifteen dogs, whistlin an hummin 
 an sort o dancin up in the air like a young angel ; but the 
 minute she saw him she sobered up, an after he had thanked 
 her, which he did in book langwidge, she simply pulled down 
 the blinds an locked the door. It was mighty curious an* 
 set us all to talkin , cause she treated us fellers just as 
 friendly as the rest of the stock ; but Dick made a bad im 
 pression right at the start, an we kept our eyes on him for 
 the first crooked move. 
 
 He was a restless feller, was Dick, allus askin questions 
 about breeds an fencin an winter feeds an marketin . Said 
 he liked to have somethin" to study about when his hands was 
 workin . Barbie left one of her books out in the wagon-shed 
 one day an Dick found it. He curled right up on a cushion 
 an begun to read. That was the very day at Flappy was to 
 start off on his periodical, an he had made all his prepara- 
 
WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 247 
 
 tions so that everything would be in apple-pie order. When 
 dinner went by an no deputy showed up he ground out 
 several canticles of profanity ; but when supper time hove in 
 sight and nairy a report from the substitute hash-herder, he 
 fairly stood on tiptoe an screamed his woes into what they 
 call the wel-kin ; an you can bet that Flappy made her welk 
 all right. 
 
 He had been training for this jag for full three months, an 
 the thirst he had built up was somethin for the whole ranch 
 to be proud of; an all the boys was full of sympathy an 
 interest, an wanted him to have every show in the world. 
 They wanted his mind to be utterly free from care, so that 
 he could give his full attention to tackin up a Diamond Dot 
 record that would arouse the envy of the entire West, an 
 Flappy was in fine shape to do it. 
 
 We all started out to find Dick, whether he was still hidin 
 around the ranch or had started to hike ; but it was Barbie 
 herself who found him. She came racin along with a herd 
 of dogs, friskin an rompin the same as they was ; but when 
 she came onto Dick readin her book she simmered down 
 immejet. When he looked up an saw her he seemed like a 
 feller wakin up out of a dream. It did n t break on him all 
 at once; but when it did, he looked as guilty as a sheep- 
 herder. He stood up an bowed an helt out the book an 
 stammered, an all in all, it was painful to watch em. None 
 of us was able to figger out why they acted this way ever 
 time they happened to meet ; but they did. 
 
 Well, after he d apologized a couple o chapters she told 
 him at she was nearly through with the book, an if he d 
 come up to the house after supper she d be glad to let him 
 take it. After supper up he went to the house an sent ol* 
 Mellisse in for it. When he got it he went back to the cook- 
 
248 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 shack an stayed up all night readin it. One of the boys 
 what got in about two o clock said at he was just about half 
 through with it the second time when he came along. Books 
 is the same as opium to some folks. After that Barbie used 
 to send him down books purty often, an he used to get a 
 world of comfort out of em. 
 
 One afternoon when Dick was cookin up a stew Jabez 
 came out an sat on a cracker-box talkin to him. He allus 
 seemed to have a likin for Dick, an used to chat with him 
 right consid able. This afternoon he got to spreadin himself 
 about how much money the place handled every year an how 
 much the was invested in it, an what a great thing the cattle 
 industry was to the entire country. Jabez had his vanities 
 all right, an he used to parade em occasional an got a heap 
 o comfort out of em. Dick went along seasonin an addin 
 an stirrin an not seemin to pay a mite of attention, until 
 finally Jabez got tired of appreciatin himself, an sez, " Well, 
 what do you think of this little plant anyway ? " 
 
 " Do you like the scenery around here, or do you have to 
 live here on account of your health ? " sez Dick, sort of un 
 concerned like. 
 
 Jabez looked at him about a minute to kind of get the drift 
 of his remark, an then he sez, " What do you mean by that ? " 
 
 " Why," sez Dick, " you ain t makin two percent profit, an* 
 I was just wonderin what you stayed here for if it was n t 
 for somethin else beside the filthy looger." 
 
 Jabez, he jumps to his feet an goes all through it again, 
 tellin all he has took in an all he has paid out ; while Dick 
 kept attendin to his pots an pans the same as if he was stone 
 deaf. Jabez rattled on an ended up with : " An this here 
 ranch has the best water an the best range an the best shelter 
 of any ranch in the state. What do you think of that? " 
 
WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 249 
 
 " Why, I think it all the more reason why it should pay 
 a business profit," drawls Dick. " Only last week I heard 
 you complainin somethin fierce because you had to put up 
 for a new freight- wagon. The great trouble with you is that 
 you don t have no system. You need a manager, a man who 
 takes an interest in modern progress, a man who sees that 
 the rest o the men pay a profit. I don t mean a foreman, 
 you got plenty o them. I mean a business man. You ain t 
 no business man ; you don t like it." 
 
 Well, Jabez was stupefied. He d never had no wage- 
 earner dump advice on him before, an here was a tramp, 
 as you might say, who started in by telling him that what he 
 really needed was some one to run his business for him. He 
 did n t fly up though. He just rose an give Dick a searchin* 
 look, an then he meandered up to the house ; an you could 
 tell by the very droop of his shoulders that what he was doin 
 was thinkin . 
 
 The upshot of it was that when Flappy was hauled out to 
 the ranch the next week, an as soon as he got so he could 
 tell fire from water, Dick fitted up an office in the North 
 wing; an about fifteen minutes afterward we all felt the 
 difference. From that on everything ran like a round-up. 
 Dick did n t boss none, he just pointed out the best way, an 
 we did it. All those answers we had told him about calves 
 an winter hay an such-like had simply gone in one ear 
 an stuck to the inside of his mental gearing. He discovered 
 that Jabez had been stuck for further orders on most of his 
 supplies, an had allus managed to win the bottom price 
 whenever it came his turn to make a sale. 
 
 Well, Dick was a perpetual surprise party. You could tell 
 by the color of his skin that he was an indoor man ; but he 
 sat a hoss like a cow puncher, an as soon as he got things 
 
250 HAPPYHAWKINS 
 
 runnin to suit him on our place he got to makin side trips 
 to the other ranches. He would spend two hours talkin 
 about the weather ; but at the end o that time, he knew more 
 about a man s outfit than the owner himself. Then he 
 ordered out a lot of stock papers, an the first thing we knew, 
 we was askin him questions about things at we d allus sup 
 posed we savvied from tail to muzzle. He seemed to like 
 me more n the rest, an chose me out to be his ridin pal an 
 what he called an A. D. Kong, which was simply the French 
 for messenger boy; but Dick never unloaded a lot of talk 
 about himself. You would n t notice it, but he allus man 
 aged to have the other feller do most o the talkin . 
 
 When winter came he took a trainload o cattle clear to 
 Chicago an brought back twenty bulls dandies ! Big 
 white- faced fellers with pool-table backs an stocky legs, 
 an they sure made the other stuff look like the champion 
 scrubs of creation. No one in our parts had ever seen such 
 cattle, an for the rest of the winter we helt a fair an booked 
 enough orders for calves to make a man nervous. Jabez 
 had gone along, an it must have ganted him consid able to 
 heave out the wampum for that bunch ; but you should have 
 seen him swell up when folks got to talkin about em. He 
 was game though, an gave Dick the credit. He thought 
 Dick was the whole manuver by this time. 
 
 Barbie an Dick had got over givin antelope starts every 
 time they met ; but they was n t what you would call friendly 
 by a long ways. Dick had worn a rough lookin beard when 
 he first arrived ; but afterward he had trimmed it to a point, 
 an it made him look some like a doctor. His ears were set 
 tight to his head, an he had a proud nose; but it was his 
 hands an his eyes that set him apart. His hands were fair 
 size but white, an they stayed white. They had a nervous 
 
WHITTINGTON ARRIVES 251 
 
 way of fussin around with things whenever he got to 
 thinkin ; but after all, the thing that was the final call was his 
 eyes. They were bright an set in under heavy brows ; but 
 they never seemed tryin to bend you, like some eyes do, they 
 just seemed so completely sure of what they saw, an they 
 seemed to have seen so much beforehand, that a feller was 
 tempted to stick to the truth in front of em even when 
 it was n t altogether convenient. Dick was the first cold 
 blooded man I ever liked, an he was sure cold-blooded at 
 this period. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE 
 
 HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 
 
 Now dogs an Barbie was allus exceedin intimate. Dogs 
 just doted on her, an she recipercated full measure; but she 
 had one dog what was only a dog by what they call an act 
 of courtesy. It must a weighed fully two pounds, an had 
 bushy hair at that. It had a bark to it like one o these intel 
 lectual dolls what can say Ma-maa, Ma-maa, but the critter 
 was as proud o this bark as though it shook all the buildin s 
 on the place. The blame thing was n t physically able to in 
 flict much more damage than a mosquito, but it was full as 
 bloodthirsty, an it had took a keen disregard for Bill 
 Andrews. 
 
 Bill Andrews was still the foreman, an one day he was on 
 his way to the office to make a report to Dick when this imi 
 tation dog came sailin around the corner an took a grab at 
 his leg. He had a brandnew pair of pants on, an they was 
 outside his boots. You know how corduroy tears when the 
 dye has been a bit too progressive. Well, the pup loosened 
 up a piece like a section of pie. Bill Andrews lost his Chris 
 tian fortitude, give that toy muff a kick that landed him fif 
 teen feet an Barbie came around the corner, an Dick came 
 out of the office at the same time. 
 
 The poor little pup was a-layin on his back yelpin like a 
 love-sick bob-cat; a white rage came over me an I pulled 
 out my gun ; but before I could use it Dick had sailed into 
 him without a word. Bill Andrews was too flustered to pull 
 his own gun, so he put up his hands, but it did n t do no good. 
 
HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 253 
 
 Dick caught him under the chin, an the back of his head 
 struck the ground several moments before his feet arrived. 
 It was a beautiful blow; I never seen a neater. I don t 
 reckon Barbie ever did either; cause as soon as she had 
 gathered up the pup she walked up to Dick an sez, " I want 
 to thank you for this, an to say that I am in your debt to the 
 extent of any favor what s in my power." Course Dick was 
 locoed the same as usual. His face looked like the settin 
 sun, an he could n t pump out a word to save him. Them 
 two found it mighty hard to overcome the first prejudice 
 they d felt again each other. 
 
 Bill Andrews he set up after a bit, with his hands on the 
 ground, bracin himself while he was tryin to recall the his 
 tory of the few precedin moments. Dick looked down at 
 him calmly an said, " As soon as you have apologized to 
 Miss Judson you may come into the office and we shall trans 
 act our business." Then he lifted his hat, whirled on his 
 heel, an stalked inside like as if he was a colonel. 
 
 Bill Andrews was purty tol able low-spirited; but he 
 handed out as affectin an excuse as he could dream up, and 
 as soon as Barbie had spoke her piece he slouched into the 
 office purty consid able cargoed up with conflictin emotions. 
 I d ruther shoot a man an not kill him, than to be the cause 
 of makin him look ridiculous before a woman that is, a 
 revengeful sneak like what Bill Andrews was. 
 
 As soon as he an Dick got through with their talk, an it 
 was a purty tol able lengthy confab at that, Bill Andrews 
 went to the boss an tendered in his resignation. Cast Steel 
 accepted it mighty hearty, cause Barbie had just been callin 
 on him; an that very mornin Dick made Pete Hanson 
 foreman. 
 
 Next night the office safe was opened an fifteen hundred 
 
254 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 dollars was took. Every one thought right away of Bill 
 Andrews, an the ol man sent us out in pairs to scour 
 the country. The was n t much scourin to be done, how 
 ever, cause we found Bill Andrews on the next ranch, 
 an they was ready to swear at he hadn t left it all 
 night. The was n t no one else that any one felt like 
 suspectin . Jabez was n t the man to weep over upsettin a 
 can o condensed, an purty soon the theft was forgot an 
 everything was runnin along as smooth as forty quarts 
 o joint-oil. 
 
 The oF man kept dependin more an more on Dick, until 
 finally Dick got to signin checks, orderin all the supplies, an 
 takin full charge ; while Jabez spent most of his time taggin 
 around after Barbie. They was like a couple o young chil 
 dren ; but Barbie was n t quite so high-headed with Dick 
 after the dog affair, an they got to ridin together quite a 
 bit themselves. Barbie was just as good friends with me as 
 ever ; but I could see any one could see that Jabez was 
 willin to call Dick a son-in-law just the minute that Barbie 
 was. 
 
 By the time he had been there a year Dick was the big head 
 chief, an the ranch was boomin along like a river steam 
 boat. He allus got the best of everything in the way of sup 
 plies, an every laddie-buck in the West knew of it; so 
 at a Diamond Dot puncher did n t throw up his job just for 
 exercise. The was a swarm o white-faced calves, an about 
 half of em wore other fellers brands, which was a receipt 
 for a lot of fancy money; so at Jabez was as well satisfied 
 as the men ; an even Barbie had come to own up that Dick 
 was the fittin est man in those parts. I could read every 
 thought in her head, an it hurt me to think that at last I 
 * ad dropped back to second fiddle ; but I could see that Dick 
 
HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 255 
 
 had had chances that I had n t had, an an I allus aim to 
 play fair, so I took to ridin alone an workin harder than 
 I was used to. 
 
 She could strum a guitar till you d be willin to swear it 
 was the heavenly harps of the Celustial Choir; an she an 
 Dick used to loaf around in the moonlight makin melody 
 at was worth goin a good long ways to hear. They sure 
 made a tasty couple, an all the boys used to like to see em 
 together. In fact, the whole Diamond Dot was as match- 
 makey as a quiltin bee. 
 
 One moonlight night I d been up to ol Monody s grave, 
 an I came walkin back about half -past nine. It was more n 
 twelve years since OY Monody had passed over, but it did n t 
 seem that long. Just as I turned a corner, I heard a laugh 
 that seemed to float to me from a long ways back in the past. 
 It was Jim Jimison s laugh, an as I came around the corner 
 of the house there he stood with his back to me, talkin to 
 Barbie. " Well, for the Gee Whizz ! " I cried. He turned, 
 an it was Dick. We looked into each other s eyes a moment, 
 an then I forced a laugh an went on to the stallion stable, 
 where I sat down to puzzle it out. 
 
 It was n t very long before Dick came to me an held out 
 his hand. I took it, an we gave an old-time grip. " I was 
 wonderin how long it would be before you saw through me," 
 he sez. 
 
 I got the moon in his face an looked at him a long time. 
 Of course a dozen years and the beard made a lot of differ 
 ence, but not near all. When I d left him, he was only a 
 boy, a boy all the way through, looks, words, actions ; 
 while now he was a man an a sizey one at that. It ain t 
 years alone that make any such change. I knew in a minute 
 that Jim had been through something that was mighty near 
 
256 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 too narrow to get through. " Well," sez I, " what s the 
 story ? " 
 
 " You put me on my feet, Happy," sez he, " an after you 
 left I just kept on goin . I tended to my stuff, an I im 
 proved it an I took on new ranges, an I made it go, I sure 
 made it go. Then the Exporters Cattle Company got after 
 me. My range was needed to fill a gap between two o 
 their ranges, an they tried to make me sell. 
 
 " I did n t want to sell, I was makin money an I was layin 
 it up; and I wasn t ready to stop workin at my age, so I 
 fought back. I did n t stand any show. There s a bunch 
 o these big companies that are all the same, under different 
 names, an they fought me on the ground an on the rail 
 roads, an at the stock yards; they tried to turn my men 
 again me ; they had my stuff run onto their range, an then 
 tried to prevent my gettin it back. I did n t mind their 
 open warfare; but their underhanded ways drove me wild. 
 One o their agents used to dog me around every time 
 I d go to town. He d grin an ask me if I was n t ready 
 to sell out yet. I finally closed out the cattle, an started 
 to raise only horses. One night my three thorough-bred 
 stallions had their throats cut, an then next time I went 
 to town he came in when I was eatin my supper, grinnin 
 as usual, an asked me if I thought raisin hosses would 
 pay. 
 
 " I knew what his game was an tried my best to hold in, 
 but I could n t help tellin him that I did n t suppose it would 
 pay quite so well as hirin out to murder hosses would. This 
 was enough for him ; he called me everything he could lay 
 tongue to, and when I rose to my feet he pulled his gun. 
 The other men in the room were beginnin to sneer at me, 
 but I knew the consequences, and started to leave. He 
 
HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 257 
 
 grabbed me by the shoulder an whirled me around. Git 
 down on your knees, he sez, an pologize to me. 
 
 " That was my limit. My cup was nearly full of coffee, 
 an I dashed the coffee in his face, hoping to get hold of his 
 gun. But he jumped back an fired. He missed me, an I 
 hit him in the center of the forehead with the coffee cup. It 
 was big an heavy, and it killed him. This was just what 
 the bunch wanted; but in spite of their precautions I got 
 away, came north, and got into another business; but that 
 did n t suit either ; so here I am, with the worst gang in this 
 country achin to get track o me." 
 
 " How long ago was this, Jim ? " sez I. 
 
 " Call me Dick," sez he. " It was about four years ago now. I 
 leased my land for more n enough to pay taxes, but I suppose 
 it will all blow up sometime, an they 11 get me in the end." 
 
 " I don t suppose the s any way to go back an square it, 
 is there?" sez I. 
 
 " Hell, no ! " he sez, bitter as death. " They own Texas." 
 
 " Have n t you any friends there who would swear it was 
 self-defense ? " sez I. 
 
 "I ve got plenty of friends there that s how I got 
 away; but they don t dare to fight that cattle crowd in the 
 open," sez he. 
 
 " Looks purty bad," sez I. 
 
 " It s rotten bad ! " sez he. " But this is business all right. 
 Whenever I hear any one talk about the morals of business 
 it drives me wild. The ain t any morals in business. The 
 best it ever is, is straight gamblin I say the best it ever 
 is, is straight gamblin " Jim s voice was gritty with wrath 
 " while at the worst," he went on, " it stoops to murder, 
 wholesale and retail, it ruins homes, it manufactures thieves 
 an perjurers an " 
 
258 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " You remind me of a feller named Fergoson," sez I. 
 " He said that at the best, business was stealin ." 
 
 " I like him," sez Jim, or I suppose I better say Dick. " I 
 like him. You could n t fool him with a lot o pleasant names 
 for things. He dealt in the spirit of a deed. I like him." 
 
 It was n t much peculiar that I had n t recognized the boy. 
 As he talked, I could see the caged tiger glarin out through 
 his eyes, an I knew that something wild would happen if 
 the bars ever broke. 
 
 " I m mighty sorry, Dick," sez I. 
 
 " Oh, I ain t through with em yet. I m not clear out of 
 the game. You don t need to think at they Ve broke me," 
 sez he. 
 
 " I was n t thinkin o you," I said in a low tone. 
 
 He drew in his breath, an the noise he made was half 
 way between a sob an a groan. " My God ! " he said be 
 tween set teeth. " Do you think that I have n t carried that 
 cross also ? But I ve changed a lot in five years, an they 
 won t think of me at the Diamond Dot. Happy, I ve got a 
 scheme for organizin the cattlemen o the Northwest to fight 
 that Texas crowd an whip em out o the business. I know 
 the game from A to Z, an if I can just work it through with 
 out comin out in the open I can beat em." 
 
 " Mebbe," sez I, " but it s exposin her to a mighty big 
 risk." 
 
 " I 11 never do that, whatever happens," sez he. 
 
 " As long as this Texas crime hangs over you, it hangs 
 over her too," sez I, " an as soon as your fight gets under 
 way they 11 turn your record inside out, an you know it." 
 
 He gripped his hands together an punched a hole in the 
 ground with his heel, an you could tell by his face that he 
 was mighty sorry he could n t have picked out the face he d 
 
HAPPY MAKES A DISCOVERY 259 
 
 have liked to have under his heel instead of the ground. 
 Finally he put his hand on my shoulder an sez, " Well, 
 Happy, you allus did have the gift of hittin the nail on the 
 head ; an I 11 promise that no matter what comes up, I 
 won t do anything to risk the happiness of of Barbie. 
 You just remember to keep on callin me Dick, an I reckon 
 I 11 be content to let the revenge part go, an just settle down 
 with my head under cover. They did n t remember me in 
 the Chicago stock yards, an you did n t recognize me ; so 
 I suppose it s safe enough, if I just keep quiet." 
 
 We shook hands, an he went back to the house ; but I 
 could easy see that he was troubled. I stayed out with the 
 stars purty late that night. It was clear an bright an peace 
 ful when I looked up, but when I tried to look ahead it 
 seemed misty an dark an gloomy, so I looked straight up 
 for a long, long time; an then when they soothed me, as 
 they allus do, I went to bed an slept like a log. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO 
 
 A FRIENDLY GAME 
 
 ABOUT three days after this, a slick lookin feller came ridin* 
 in about sun-down, an of course they booked him for supper 
 an bed ; a stranger did n t want to expose himself to a meal 
 at that outfit, less n he was in the mood to eat. He was a 
 fine easy talker, an he had indoor hands too, an one o these 
 smiles what is made to order ; what you might call a candi 
 date s smile a sort o lightin up in honor o the person 
 bein addressed. Barbie had a bit of a headache, cause her 
 cinch had broke that mornin while she was havin a little 
 argument with a bad-actor ; an about eight o clock she give 
 us the fare-you-well an fluttered up to bed. 
 
 So the four of us me, Dick, the stranger, an ol Jabez 
 sat there smokin seegars an tellin anecdotes. About nine 
 Piker, which was the name the stranger had handed in, sez, 
 " Do you gentlemen ever indulge in a little friendly game ? " 
 
 Now Dick had never throwed a card in his life, to my 
 knowin . The ol man used to play some, but he was mighty 
 choicy who he played with ; while I well, o course, I 
 played. Dick didn t say anything at first, but he give the 
 stranger a long an a curious look, as though he was tryin 
 to place him. He looked so long that both me an the ol man 
 noticed it. " I don t care to play," sez Dick, blowin a ring 
 o smoke to the ceilin . 
 
 The ol man had been trottin along without a break for a 
 consid able of a stretch, an the proposition looked amply 
 sufficient to him, so he sez pleasantly, " Well, now, boys, it 
 
A FRIENDLY GAME 261 
 
 would n t be a bad way to spend the evenin . We could make 
 the stakes small an we could have a right sociable time 
 together." 
 
 T ain t altogether wise to jump hasty at another man s 
 idee of size. I had seen the 6V man sit in a game where 
 steers was the ante an car-loads the limit ; but at that time 
 I thought I knew just a little wee mite more about the game 
 than airy other man what played straight, so I sez, " Well, 
 I 11 set in a while ; but I don t care to lose more n a hun 
 dred dollars " ; which was just what I d saved out for a little 
 vacation I was ruminatin about. 
 
 Oh, we 11 only play a quarter ante an five dollar limit," 
 sez Jabez. " Come on, boys, clear the table an let s get 
 started." 
 
 Dick did n t seem to want to play at all, but after the ol 
 man had coaxed him a little he drew up his chair an we 
 started in. The old man s deck was purty tol able careworn 
 an floppy, an the stranger sez, " I happen to have a couple 
 o new decks what have never been opened. We 11 open one 
 in honor o the occasion." 
 
 " This deck is good enough," sez Dick, an he spoke purty 
 harsh. As me an the ol man looked up, our glances met 
 an we showed surprise. Dick wasn t a bit like himself; 
 but the stranger did n t take no offense, he just smiled a bit 
 careless an put his cards on the stand, sayin, " Well, I 11 
 just leave em here handy, an if we decide to use em later 
 we can open em up. For my part, I like a new deck." 
 
 " So do I," sez the ol man. " I m sorry mine are so bum. 
 I meant to send for some new ones a long time ago, but I 
 allus forgot it." 
 
 The stranger took out a healthy lookin stack o gold, 
 Dick an Jabez did the same, an my little squad o yella 
 
262 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 fellers looked purty tol able squeezy. Dick was tremendous 
 sober ; his face was pale, his eyes were hid away beneath his 
 brows, an kept dartin here an there like the eyes of a 
 hawk. Now for me, I allus have a curious premonition when 
 anything is goin to happen, an I began to have it bad. 
 
 Still the longer we played the easier Dick got in his ways, 
 an purty soon he was smilin as open-faced as a dollar- 
 watch. We played along nice an gentle; my luck arrived 
 early, an purty soon the yella fellers begun to percalate in 
 my direction. About half-past ten Piker had to dig up some 
 more funds, an he sez, " It s gettin kind o late, boys, let s 
 raise the edge a bit. Hawkins there has had all the luck so 
 far, an when it changes we ought to have a show to get 
 back our riskin s." 
 
 " All right," sez Jabez, " we 11 double." 
 
 " The stakes suit me all right," sez Dick. " In fact, I d 
 ruther split em." 
 
 I was feelin purty consid able opulent myself, so I voted 
 to double. 
 
 " Three to one," sez Piker, " the stakes are doubled." 
 
 " The original agreement can t be changed durin a game 
 without the unanimous consent of all the players," sez Dick, 
 speakin like a judge; " but as the rest of you wish it, I 11 
 give mine." 
 
 From that on the luck shifted. Two or three times I see 
 a queer look steal across the ol man s face; but everything 
 was out in the open, as far as I could see. I played even 
 Steven ; but the wind shifted plumb away from Jabez, an 
 he lost steady. Part of the time Dick corraled the pots, an 
 part of the time me an Piker provided shelter for em ; but 
 no matter who won, the ol man lost. 
 
 Twice he frowned purty serious, an once I caught him 
 
A FRIENDLY GAME 263 
 
 givin Dick a queer hurt look. The ol man had n t a drop 
 o welcher blood in his make-up ; but cheatin was spelled in 
 mighty red letters to im. Dick was smilin now as sweet 
 as a girl baby, an makin funny, joshin remarks, which was 
 a new turn for him ; but at the same time the was somethin 
 in his face that was n t altogether pleasant. 
 
 When midnight arrived Dick an Piker was each about 
 two thousand ahead, I was slidin back to taw, an the old 
 man was payin the fiddler. We had doubled the edge again 
 at eleven, an were usin both the strange decks, chaiigin" 
 every few deals. Then the luck began to settle to Dick. 
 Two out of three times on his own deals, an every single 
 time on Piker s deals, the devidends slid into Dick s coffers, 
 while I was growin resigned to havin had a good run for 
 my money. Jabez face was drawn an worried, which was 
 queer, cause he was allus a royal loser. 
 
 At last we had built up a four-story jack-pot, an every 
 feller s face wore the take-off-your-hat-to-me smile. It was 
 Dick s deal an we all held three cards except Jabez who had 
 furnished openers. He only wintered through a pair, but 
 after he looked at his draw he settled back to enjoy himself. 
 I held three kings an a brace o trays. It looked to me as 
 if that jack-pot belonged to Happy Hawkins. The peculiar 
 expression had wore off Jabez face, an his eyes had a glad 
 glint in em. I was only in for my table stakes, so I did n t 
 .make much of a noise, nohow; but the other three kept 
 boostin her up till it begun to look like a man s game all 
 right. 
 
 "If you 11 excuse the limit, I d like to show my apprecia 
 tion of this little hand by bettin a hundred on it," sez Piker. 
 
 " I m willin ," sez Jabez, " an if it goes, why, I 11 see your 
 appreciation an raise you five hundred." 
 
264 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " I don t have any more vote," sez I, " just enjoy your 
 selves." 
 
 " Oh, no, Happy," sez Dick, as serious as a hangman ; " no 
 matter if we raise the edge every hand, you must vote on it 
 each time. We must be perfectly regular, you know, because 
 this is merely a friendly little game to pass away the even 
 ing, you remember. I shall make no objections." 
 
 Jabez had slid deep into his chair, an now he had a fierce 
 scowl on his face. " That was my toe you was a-pressin ," 
 he sez, lookin Piker between the eyes. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," sez Piker, latighin easy ; " I thought 
 it was Silv I mean Whittington s. I wanted him to 
 keep still until after this hand was out. Then I 11 be willin 
 to quit or go back to the old limit, or keep right along with 
 the lid off." 
 
 I glanced at Dick; an talk about jerk-lightnin ! Well, 
 I can t see yet what kept Piker from gettin scorched; but 
 Jabez was in a good humor again from lookin at his royalty, 
 so he turns to Dick an sez, " Now, Dick, Piker s company, 
 you know, an J reckon we d better humor him. What do 
 you say ? " 
 
 " Off goes the lid," sez Dick. 
 
 They bet around awhile longer until nearly all of Dick s 
 money was in the pot an Jabez had a neat little pile of checks 
 representin him. Then Dick bet his balance an called. We 
 all laid down with a satisfied grin. Jabez had queens full 
 on Jacks, Piker had three bullets an a team o ten-spots, 
 Dick had a royal straight flush, an I had a nervous chill. 
 Three aristocratic fulls an a royal straight ! Nobody spoke, 
 an the money stayed where it was, in the center of the table. 
 Finally the ol man sez, makin an effort to speak cordial, 
 " Well, I ve had enough for one evenin , I guess I 11 quit." 
 
A FRIENDLY GAME 265 
 
 " Now, boys," sez Dick, in a low, husky voice, " I don t 
 believe in gamblin . I only went into this to be sociable, an 
 I want you all to take your money back." 
 
 We sat an looked at Dick with our eyes poppin out, cause 
 that was n t our way o playin the game in that neighbor 
 hood. Suddenly the ol man whirled an glared at Piker. 
 "What the hell do you mean by pressin my toe?" he 
 growls between his set teeth. " This is the fourth time 
 you Ve done it to-night." 
 
 Piker seemed confused, an mumbled an stammered, an* 
 could n t hardly speak at all. " It ain t my custom to play 
 with strangers," sez Jabez, an he was fast gettin into the 
 dangerous stage, " but you are my guest. I won t take my 
 money back, but if Dick is willin , I 11 write him a check 
 for yours an you can take your condemned filthy gold an 
 get out o here." 
 
 " I ain t askin my money back," sez Piker. " I m game, 
 I am ; but I can t savvy this scheme o dividin up after the 
 game." He paused a second, an then sez clear an distinct, 
 " This ain t exactly the way at Silver Dick used to play 
 the game when he made a business of it." 
 
 Piker leaned back an stared at Dick in a sneerin sort of 
 way ; while me an the ol man stared at him with our eyes 
 poppin out. Silver Dick, Silver Dick: every one in the 
 West had heard of Silver Dick. It did n t seem possible ; 
 but as me an Jabez sat gazin at him, we knew at our 
 Dick was Silver Dick the gambler, an the smoothest arti 
 cle, accordin to reports, at ever threw a card. Dick 
 didn t say a word; just sat there with his face pale as a 
 sheet, an his glitterin black eyes dartin flame at Piker s 
 nasty grin. 
 
 "I see you don t recognize me with a full beard," sez 
 
266 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Piker; "but down at Laramie they called me Jo Denton. 
 It was my cousin, Big Brown, that you shot." 
 
 " Do you happen to know what I shot him for ? " Dick s 
 face was as hard as marble, an his voice was as cold as ice. 
 
 " I was n t there at the time," sez Piker in an irritatin 
 voice, " but I know that it was because he spoke about it 
 bein a little peculiar that you held such wonderful good 
 hands on your own deal." 
 
 Dick did n t make no reply, but he slipped his hand inside 
 his shirt, an I knew he had his gun there. 
 
 " I say that this was the excuse for your shootin ; " Piker 
 went on, bent on gettin all the trouble the was; "but I 
 allus believed, myself, that it started over the woman you 
 was keepin ." 
 
 Dick s gun flashed in the air ; but quick as a wink ol Cast 
 Steel knocked it up with his right hand, an struck at Dick 
 with his left. The bullet crashed through the ceiling, an 
 Dick grabbed Jabez wrist at the same instant. Piker made 
 a quick snap under the table, a gun went off, an the bullet 
 tore through the slack o Dick s vest an spinged into the 
 wall behind him. 
 
 Then I kicked off my hobbles an sailed in on my own 
 hook. Dick had allus been white to me an back in the 
 old days he was the squarest feller on earth so I felt 
 mightly relieved when I caught Piker in the center of the 
 forehead with a full left-swing. It was a blow at nobody 
 did n t have no grounds to complain of. The chair flew over 
 backwards, Piker s feet made a lovely circle, an his head 
 tried to insinuate itself into the mopboard. He remained 
 quiet, an I started in to satisfy my curiosity. 
 
 " Stay where you are," commanded Dick, an I stuck in 
 my tracks. " No man is allowed to doubt my deal without 
 
A FRIENDLY GAME 267 
 
 bavin something to remind him of it. I ain t a-goin to kill 
 that snake now; but I do intend to remove his trigger 
 fingers." 
 
 Dick still held Jabez by a peculiar twist in the wrist at 
 made the ol man wince a little; he held his gun ready, an 
 calmly sized up Piker s hand, which was flattened out again 
 the wall. I stood where I was, an the room was so quiet 
 it hurt your ears. 
 
 A grin of wolfish joy came into Dick s face as he stood 
 there with his gun back of his head an his thumb on the 
 hammer of course he was a snap-shooter these nervous 
 fellers allus are. It seemed as if we had all been in that 
 same position for ages, when suddenly a voice said, " Why, 
 Dad, what s the matter ? " 
 
 It was Barbie with her hair all rumpled up an a loose 
 gray wrapper on. Dick dropped his hands to his side an 
 turned his face away ; while Jabez put his arm about her 
 an told her that we had had a little mix-up but that it was 
 all over now an she must go back to bed. She reared up an 
 vetoed the motion without parley ; but the ol man finally 
 convinced her, an she agreed to go if we d promise not to 
 stir up any more trouble. Me an Jabez promised quick, 
 but Dick never said a word. She looked him in the face 
 mighty beseech ful, but he wouldn t look at her; an when 
 he finally promised not to start any more fuss his voice was 
 so low you could hardly hear him. 
 
 She was pale as a ghost, an Dick s voice made her all the 
 more suspicious. " I 11 not go one step," she said at last, 
 sinkin down in a chair; but Dick walked over to her an 
 asked her to step into the next room with him a minute. 
 They only talked together a few moments, an then we 
 heard her give a stifled sob an go back upstairs. I never 
 
268 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 see such a change as had come over Jabez. His face was 
 drawn an haggard like the face of a man lost in the desert 
 without water. 
 
 The time had come at last when another man stood between 
 his daughter his greatest treasure on earth an himself. 
 I remembered what Friar Tuck had said about the time 
 comin when she d be all girl an would stand before him 
 with the questions of life in her eyes ; an I pitied him, God 
 knows I pitied him. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE 
 
 CAST STEEL 
 
 JABEZ had got the rope on himself when Dick came back, 
 an he spoke to him in the voice of a father savin farewell 
 to the son who had gone wrong once too often. " I don t 
 care nothin about the money, Dick," he said. " You d a 
 been welcome to all I had; but I can t forgive you about 
 my little girl. You made her love you, you schemed to do 
 it, an you came here with that end in view. I trusted you 
 from the ground up, but I can see a heap o things now at 
 I would n t see before. I had a letter written from Bill An 
 drews tellin me at he had heard you brag at you intended 
 to get holt o my money, an that it would pay me to search 
 you instead o suspectin him " 
 
 " Where was the letter from ? " asked Dick. 
 
 " Laramie," sez the ol man. 
 
 " Kind o curious," sez Dick, an his voice was as bitter 
 as the dregs o sin ; " that s where Denton came from too." 
 
 " You deceived me all along," sez the ol man, not payin 
 much heed to Dick, but speakin mostly to himself. " You 
 know at what I hate worse n anything else is deceit an 
 here you ve been fast an loose with women " Dick tried 
 to say somethin , but the ol man stopped him. " That was 
 bad enough," he went on, " but I m no fool ; I know the 
 world, an I could forgive you a good deal ; but hang it, I 
 never could forgive you bein a professional gambler a 
 man that lives by deceit an trickery an false pretenses. 
 Lookin back now, it strikes me as bein mighty curious how 
 
270 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 you got the best o Piker s deals too. Was Piker or Denton, 
 or whatever his name is, a gambler too ? " 
 
 " He was," answered Dick in a low tone. 
 
 The ol man squared himself, an his face was as fierce 
 as the face of an ol she bear. " Of all the human snakes 
 I ever heard of, you crawl the closest to the ground. You 
 come here an act as square as a man can until you have 
 made us all think the world of ya; an yet in your black 
 heart you were all the time plottin to get my money, usin 
 my little girl as a burglar would use a bar to open a safe 
 with. Even then you could n t wait in patience ; your in 
 born cussedness forced you to steal an cheat and yet, boy, 
 I could almost forgive you for deceivin me, but I can t never 
 forgive you for deceivin my little girl. You stand there 
 with a gun in your hand an I stand here with none ; you 
 brag at no man can t doubt your dealin without havin cause 
 to remember it ; but I tell you to your teeth that you re a 
 sneak an a cheat an a low-grade coward." 
 
 Dick stood with his head thrown back an his left hand 
 clenched, while his right gripped the butt of his gun so 
 fierce that the knuckles stood out white as chalk an the 
 veins was black an swollen. His bosom was heavin , his 
 teeth showed in a threatenin white line, an all the savage 
 th was in him was cryin kill, kill, kill ! 
 
 He tottered a little when he took a step toward Jabez ; 
 but he laid the gun on the table with the butt pointin towards 
 Jabez, an then he went back to the wall an folded his arms. 
 He stood lookin at Jabez for a moment, an then he sez slow 
 an soft an creepy : " Every word you have said from start 
 to finish is a lie; and you yourself are a liar." 
 
 The ol man choked. He loosened the collar around his 
 neck, fairly gaspin for breath ; an then he grabbed up the 
 
CASTSTEEL 271 
 
 gun an held it ready to drop on Dick s heart. A curious 
 expression came over Dick as he looked into Jabez face; 
 a tired, heart-achy smile as though he d be so glad to be 
 all through with it that he would n t care a great deal how 
 it was done. Ol Cast Steel was livin up to his name if ever 
 a man did. The was n t a sign of anger in his face by this 
 time, nothin but one grim purpose, an it was horrid. It 
 looked like a plain case o suicide on Dick s part, an I was 
 just makin up my mind whether or not it would be polite 
 to interfere, when the door opened noiselessly an Barbie 
 stood in the openin . 
 
 She seemed turned to stone for a second, an then she gave 
 a spring an grabbed the ol man s arm. " Jabez Judson, 
 what are you doin ? " she said, an the was n t much blood 
 relation in her tone. 
 
 The ol man lowered his gun an sank into a chair, while 
 Barbie stood with her hands on her hips an looked from 
 one to the other of us. Then it would be the time for our 
 eyes to hit the carpet. " Now I want to know the meanin 
 o this," sez she, " an I want the full truth. This is nice 
 doin s over a game o cards. I wish I had thought to set up 
 a bar, so you d all felt a little more at home. What s it 
 about?" 
 
 We did n t none of us seem to have a great deal to say, 
 but just stood there lookin foolish. Finally Dick came out 
 of it an sez, " I have been accused of cheatin an lyin an 
 stealin . The circumstantial evidence is all again me, so 
 I shall have to go away; but you remember all I told you 
 out in the other room an on our rides across the plain, 
 an on our walks in the moonlight; an Barbie, girl, don t 
 you believe a word of it. 
 
 " Good-bye, Happy I know you an you know me. 
 
272 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Jabez Judson, I know it ain t no use to attempt any ex 
 planation ; but I give you my word of honor an I set 
 just as much store by it as any man in all the world that 
 I never stacked a deck o cards in my life, an I never held 
 a single underhanded thought again you; while as for 
 Barbie well, Barbie knows. Good-bye." 
 
 Dick turned on his heel an stalked out o the room, Bar 
 bie dropped into a chair sobbin , an me an the old man 
 continued to look like the genuine guilty parties. Then it 
 occurred to me that mebbe it would be wise to see if Piker 
 was worth botherin with. First thing I did though was to 
 see where he had helt his gun when he fired beneath the 
 table. The was n t no gun on the floor, an I could n t no 
 wise savvy it. 
 
 He had one gun in his holster, but he could n t have pulled 
 it out without bein seen, an he couldn t have put it back, 
 nohow. I was plumb mystified, an had about give it up 
 when I came across it. I own up it was a clever dodge, but 
 snakish to an extreme. He had fashioned a rig just above 
 his knee, an when he had sat down the gun had been pointin 
 at Dick all through the game, an nothin but Jabez makin 
 Dick move had saved him. It was a blood-thirsty scheme, 
 an I felt like stampin his face into a jelly. 
 
 His head was still bent over an he was black in the face ; 
 but when I straightened him out an soused a lot o water 
 over him, he came out of it, an I fair itched to make him 
 eat his gun knee-riggin an all ! He sat up an began to 
 tell what a low-down, sneakin cuss Dick had allus been. 
 I let him sing a couple o verses, an then I sez : " Now, you 
 look here, you slimy spider, Dick s too busy just now to 
 attend to your case an if you don t swaller them few remarks 
 instant I 11 be obliged to prepare you for the coroner myself. 
 
CASTSTEEL 273 
 
 I ve knowed Dick sometime, an I ve knowed several other 
 men; an I know enough to know that such a dust-eatin 
 lizard as you never could know enough to know what such 
 a man as Dick was thinkin out or plannin to do. An* 
 furthermore, you re a liar in your heart, an still further 
 more, I don t like your face; an one other furthermore 
 the longer I look at you the madder I get! My advice to 
 you, an I give it in the name o peace an sobriety, an be 
 cause the s a lady present, is to start right now to a more 
 salubrious climate you an your knee-gun an your black 
 lies an your marked decks. Do you hear what I say ? Are 
 you goin to go ? " 
 
 I was surely losin my temper; the was a blood taste in 
 my throat, an when I asked him the question I kicked him 
 gently in the chest, just to let him know at I was ready for 
 his verdict. 
 
 He was a coward. He just hunched himself away from 
 me on his back an whined somethin about only tryin to 
 show us the truth an not wantin any trouble, an a lot o 
 such foolishness ; but I soon wearied of it, an grabbed him 
 by the collar an yanked him to his feet, an sez, " Now 
 answer me one question who told you that Dick was 
 here?" 
 
 " Bill Andrews," he sez ; an I opened the door an kicked 
 him through it; but in a minute back he comes, cringin 
 like a cur. " Don t send me away until after I see what 
 direction Silver takes," he whimpered. " He never forgives ; 
 he 11 kill me if he sees me ; let me stay until after he starts." 
 
 I laughed. " Why, you fool you," I sez, " if he should 
 happen to ruin you beyond repair you don t imagine any one 
 would put on mournin do ya? But if it s goin to make 
 your mind any easier I stand ready to give you a written 
 
 18 
 
274 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 guarantee at he won t use any knee-gun to do it with. Now 
 you get ; I m strainin myself to keep from spoilin you on 
 my own hook." 
 
 I was in an advanced state of bein exasperated, an I 
 walked up to him intendin to brand him a few with the butt 
 of his own gun, when Barbie spoke low an cold, but in a 
 voice fairly jagged with scorn : " Let the creature alone ; 
 I don t want Dick to soil his boots." Barbie s voice had lost 
 its college finish, an she was in the mood to do a little 
 shootin herself just then. 
 
 Dick finished his packin in short order, an* went out an 
 saddled his pony an rode away toward Danders an Lar- 
 amie. We all set like corpse-watchers for half an hour 
 longer, an then Jabez straightened up an sez to Piker: 
 " Take your money out o that pot an never get caught in 
 this neighborhood again. Your partner started toward 
 Laramie ; when you see him tell him I 11 send the full 
 amount o the pot to him as soon as he sends me his address. 
 You can also tell him that I 11 kill him if he ever sets foot 
 on this ranch again." 
 
 Barbie was standin at the window lookin out into the 
 moonlight which had swallered up the best part of her world. 
 When Jabez finished speakin she turned around an looked 
 at Piker. " I can t figger out just whose dog-robber you 
 are," she sez ; " but next time you go gunnin for Silver 
 Dick you better take the whole gang with you." 
 
 It fair hurt me to see Barbie s face, so hard it was an so 
 different from the real Barbie; but it warmed my heart to 
 hear the way she made that Silver Dick ring out. Oh, she 
 was a thoroughbred every inch of her, that girl was. Piker 
 did n t say a word ; he just picked up his coin an walked 
 out o the room, an I raised up the window an drew a deep 
 
Cast Steel Judson 
 
CASTSTEEL 275 
 
 breath. The blame pole-cat had managed to slip out an* 
 saddle his pony about supper time, an in a second he dashed 
 away toward Webb Station, mighty thankful in his nasty 
 little heart that he was n t bound for hell, where he rightly 
 belonged. 
 
 " Did you ever know Dick before he came here, Happy? " 
 asked Barbie. 
 
 " I swear to heaven that I never knew that our Dick was 
 Silver Dick until this very night," sez I ; " but I d be will 
 ing to stake my life on his word, an I d take it again the 
 word of any other livin man bar none." 
 
 " Thank you, Happy. Good-night." She held her head 
 high as she walked out o the room; but I knew that livin 
 serpents was tearin at her heart. 
 
 Ol Cast Steel sat for an hour, his chin on his hands an* 
 his elbows on the table, lookin at the pile of money an* 
 checks on the table before him. 
 
 " Gold, gold, gold ! " he mutters at last ; " it builds the 
 churches an the schoolhouses an the homes; an it fills 
 the jails and the insane asylums an hell itself. It drives 
 brother to murder brother, an neither love nor friendship 
 is proof against its curse. It starves those who scorn it, 
 while those who pay out their souls for it find themselves 
 sinking, sinking, sinking in its hideous quicksand until at 
 last it closes above their mad screams. God ! if I only had 
 my life to live over ! " 
 
 That was just the way he said it, deep an hoarse an com 
 ing between his set teeth ; an I felt the hair raisin on my 
 head. He looked like a lost soul, an the whites of his eyes 
 showed in ghastly rings around the pupils. 
 
 " You take this rubbish, Happy," sez he, turnin on me. 
 " You re too much like the birds an the beasts for it to ever 
 
276 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 injure you. Take it an spend it drink it, throw it away, 
 burn it up, destroy it, an when it is gone come back here an 
 live in the open again an you 11 never be far from the spirit 
 of God." 
 
 Well, I knew it was ol Cast Steel who was speakin , but 
 it was mighty hard to believe it. " I don t mean no disre 
 spect to you, Jabez," I sez, edgin toward the door, "but 
 I 11 see you damned first." An I slid outside an straddled 
 a pony an rode till the dawn wind blew all the fever out of 
 me an let the sunshine in. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR 
 
 FEMININE LOGIC 
 
 WELL, the Diamond Dot was sure a dismal dump after that. 
 Every one had liked Dick ; but they did n t know how much 
 until he was snuffed out like the flame of a candle. The 
 or man had me make a stagger at fillin Dick s shoes; but 
 it was n t what a truthful man would call a coal-ossal suc 
 cess. Dick had left a lot of directions, tellin how to judge 
 the markets an how to make improvements without feelin 
 the cost, an a dozen other things that I had allus supposed 
 was simply a mixture o luck an Providence ; but it was n t 
 in my line to figger things out on paper. Give me the actual 
 cattle an I could nurse em along through sand-storm an* 
 blizzard, an round em up in the President s back yard ; but 
 at that time they did n t signify much to me when they was 
 corraled up on a sheet of paper. When it came to action 
 I was as prepossessed as a clerk at a pie counter; but I 
 did n t have the slightest symptom of what they call the 
 legal mind. 
 
 The would n t much a come of it ; but one day Barbie 
 4, ame out of her daze an walked into the office where I was 
 sweatin over some of Dick s prognostications, stuck a pencil 
 behind her ear, an waded into em ; an from that on I took 
 -off my hat to a college edication. Dick may have been on 
 the queer all right, but he was smooth enough to hide it. 
 Anyhow, ol man Judson s bank account was a heap 
 plumper n it was when Dick had his first whack at it, an 
 Dick had drawn a mighty stately salery himself. But he 
 
2jS HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 earned it, for the ranch was in strictly modern order an* 
 runnin on a passenger schedule. 
 
 It allus gave me a hurtin in the chest to see either Barbie 
 or the ol man himself those days. The was a set look in 
 Barbie s eyes ; cold an unflinchin an defiant. I once saw 
 the same expression in the eyes of a trapped mountain lion. 
 The ol man s face was all plowed up too. He reminded me 
 of an Injun up to Fort Bridger. A Shoshone he was from 
 the Wind River country, an he had the look of an eagle; 
 but he got a holt of some alcohol an upset a kettle o boilin 7 
 grease on himself. He lived for eight days with part of his 
 bones stickin through, but never givin a groan ; an I ain t 
 got the look of his face out o my system yet. Jabez re 
 minded me of it a heap ; an he was just about as noisy over 
 it too. I never supposed that the Diamond Dot could get 
 to lookin so much like a desert island to me. I got to 
 feelin like one who had been sent up for life, an I would 
 sure have made a break for freedom if it hadn t been for 
 the little girl. I could n t bear to leave her. 
 
 One of the saddest things I ever see in my whole life was 
 the difference between the way she an Jabez acted an the 
 way they used to. I ve heard preachers beseech their vic 
 tims to live in peace an harmony together, an not to quar 
 rel or complain ; an right at the time it did n t sound so 
 empty an mockish ; but when you come to boil it down the 
 ain t nothin in that theory. Why, I d seen the ol man hunt 
 Barbie all forenoon just to pick a quarrel with her ; an they 
 would fuss an stew an revile each other an keep it up all 
 through dinner; an then go off in the afternoon an scrap 
 from wire to wire; but they was enjoyin themselves fine, 
 an addin to their stock of what is called mutual respect. 
 Every time one of em would land it would cheer him up an* 
 
FEMININE LOGIC 279 
 
 put the other one on his mettle; an they certainly did get 
 more comfort an brotherly love out of it than most folks 
 does out of a prayer-meetin ; but after Dick went away the 
 wasn t no more quarrels. No, they was as differential as 
 a pair of Japanese ambassadors; an she never called him 
 Dad again never once! an I could see him a-hungerin* 
 for it with the look in his eyes a young cow has when she 
 is huntin for the little wet calf the coyotes has beat her to. 
 It was allus, " Yes, sir," or " No, sir," until I could almost 
 hear the ol man s heart a-breakin in his breast. 
 
 She never complained none, Barbie did n t. She plowed 
 through her work as though it was goin to bring him back 
 to her ; an when she could n t think of anything else to do 
 she would tramp off to the hills or ride like the wind over 
 the roughest roads she could find. Time an again she 
 would n t be able to sleep, but would steal out o the house, 
 an we could hear her guitar sobbin an wailin off in the 
 night; but if Barbie herself ever shed a tear it never left 
 a mark on her cheek nor put a glaze to her eye. 
 
 The was one knoll not far from the house which com 
 manded the view a long way toward Danders in one direc 
 tion, an a long way toward Webb Station in another, an 
 she spent about ten minutes each evenin on this knoll. Oh, 
 it used to hurt, it used to hurt, to see that purty little light- 
 hearted creature makin her fight all alone, an never lettin 
 another livin bein come within hailin distance. At times it 
 was all I could do to keep from goin gunnin for Dick 
 myself. 
 
 Once she sez to me, " Happy, if any mail comes to me I 
 want to get it myself, an I want you to see that I do get it." 
 
 " Barbie," sez I, " as far as my feeble power goes you 11 
 get your mail ; an if it happens to involve any other male 
 
280 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 why, from this on, I m under your orders." She was 
 grateful all right, an tried to smile, but it was a purty suc 
 cessful failure. 
 
 Soon the winter settled down an the snow blotted out the 
 trails, but she never heard from him. The ol man had 
 wrote to the postmaster at Laramie, an he had answered 
 that Dick had allus played fair accordin to the best o his 
 belief. He went on to say that Dick was generally counted 
 about the best citizen they had; but that after he had shot 
 Big Brown he had pulled out an no one knew where he was. 
 He said at Brown had n t died, which was a cause for 
 sorrow to the whole town. He also said that Denton would 
 be a disgrace to coyote parents. He furthermore went on 
 to state that Dick still owned quite a little property in Lar 
 amie. The old man showed me an Barbie the letter; but 
 it did n t help much. 
 
 When Thanksgivin hove in sight the ol man dug up a 
 bottle o whiskey, an put on a few ruffles to sort o stiffen 
 up his back ; an one day after dinner he sez to Barbie, 
 " Now you just stay settin ." She was in the habit of esti- 
 matin just how little nurishment it would take to run her 
 to the next feed, gettin it into her in the shortest possible 
 time, an then makin a streak for it. 
 
 " Now, little girl," sez Jabez, tryin to look joyous an free 
 from care, " you are leadin too sober a life. I want to see 
 you happy again. I want to see you laughin about the 
 house, like you used to. Can t you sort o liven up a little ? " 
 
 " I might," sez she, with the first sneer I ever see her use 
 on the ol man, " I might, if you d give me the rest o the 
 bottle you got your own gaiety out of." 
 
 Cast Steel s face turned as red as a brick, an his fist 
 doubled up. " That s a sample o your idee of respect, is 
 
FEMININE LOGIC 281 
 
 it? You re gettin too infernal biggoty. Now you pay 
 attention. I want to have a little gatherin here Thanks- 
 givin . Will you, or will you not, see that the arrangements 
 are attended to ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," sez Barbie, lookin down at her plate. " How 
 many guests will the be ? " 
 
 " Well, how can I tell ? " sez Jabez. " Can you get ready 
 for twenty ? " 
 
 11 Yes, sir," answers Barbie, never liftin her eyes. 
 
 " Yes, sir ; yes, sir ; yes, sir ! " yells the ol man. " I get 
 everlastin tired o your yes, sirs. Am I or am I not your 
 ol Dad?" 
 
 "If you prefer, I can call you father," sez she, like she 
 was talkin to the moon through a telephone. " Dad is not 
 correct English ; it is a kalowquism." 
 
 This was allus like a pail o water to the ol man. Nothin 
 stung him any worse than to have her peel a couple o layers 
 off her edication an chuck em at him. 
 
 " Do you know what is apt to happen if you keep on pes- 
 terin me? " he sez, glarin at her. " Do you think at you re 
 too big to be whipped ? " 
 
 She raised her eyes an looked at him then. Poor feller, 
 he could a torn his tongue out by the roots the minute it 
 was guilty o that fool speech; but she didn t spare him. 
 She let him have the full effect o that look, an he seemed 
 to shrivel up. " I reckon you re big enough to whip me 
 once," she said ; " but I m of age, an I m mighty sure at 
 that would be the finishin touch at would break the bonds 
 what seem to hold me to this house. I probably have bad 
 blood o some kind in me ; but I m not so ill-favored but 
 what I can find a man to go along with me when I do con 
 clude to go." 
 
282 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 She looked at me, an the ol man looked at me, an I felt 
 like a red-hot stove; but I straightened back in my chair, 
 an I cleared my throat. " I ain t no mind-reader," sez I, 
 " but I m bettin on that same card." 
 
 The ol man could n t think up a come-back ; so in about 
 a minute he pushed back his chair, upsettin it an lettin it 
 lay where it fell. He went up to his room, slammin the 
 door after him, an Barbie got out a pony an galloped off 
 to the hills. 
 
 But the ol man had n t give up his project. He opened it 
 again, an was mighty crafty in the way he handled it, until 
 finally he engineered it through. The was purt nigh forty 
 of em who arrived t make merry over Thanksgivin . Some 
 of em came the day before, an some of em two days 
 before, an some didn t arrive till the day itself, cause they 
 had lived such a ways. The was four women an three un 
 married ladies, countin Miss Wiggins, the Spike Crick 
 schoolmarm, who was a friendly little thing, though a 
 shade too coltish for her years. Most o the men was still 
 liable to matrimony. 
 
 Jabez had an idee in his head, an it did n t take no ferret 
 to nose it out, neither. He was extra cordial to the store 
 keeper from Webb Station, an a young Englishman by the 
 name o Hawthorn, finally settlin down to Hawthorn an 
 playin him wide open. We had a mighty sociable time, an 
 whenever we was n t eatin we played games. Barbie did 
 just exactly what ol Cast Steel played her to do. She was 
 too red-blooded to let an outsider see at she d been bad 
 hurt; so she brazened up an laughed an danced an sang, 
 an showed em games they had n t never dreamt of before. 
 
 Most of em went home by Sunday night, but Hawthorn 
 was prevailed upon to stay a week longer. He had a little 
 
FEMININE LOGIC 283 
 
 ranch up in the hills, an seemed a well-meanin sort of a 
 feller, but slow. He belonged to the show-me club, an had 
 all his facical muscles spiked fast for fear they d come loose 
 an grin before he saw the point himself. 
 
 Barbie see through the ol man s lead, an she took her 
 revenge out on Hawthorn. She would lean forward an 
 hold his eye, an say, in the sweetest voice you ever heard, 
 " Oh, Mr. Hawthorn, I want to tell you somethin that hap 
 pened at school ; " an then she would start in an tell some 
 long-winded tale at did n t have no more point than a mush 
 room, an as she told along she would call his attention to 
 certain details as though they was goin to rigger in at the 
 wind-up. When she would reach the end she would break 
 out in a peal o spontunious laughter; while he would look 
 as if he had been lost in the heart of a great city without 
 his name-plate on. Still, he had a certain breedy look about 
 him, an before the week was up she grew ashamed of her 
 self an showed him a good time. 
 
 He was one o these sad ones sentimental an romantic, 
 with a bad case o chronic lonesomeness ; an one twilight 
 he told her a pathetic little love story about a girl back in 
 England what had had sense enough to cut him out of her 
 assets when he had trooped over to this country to punch 
 a fortune out o beef cattle. This had been about five years 
 previous; but his heart still ached about it though it 
 had n t cut his appetite so you could notice. She treated 
 him mighty gentle after this, an when he started to ride 
 away Jabez had the look of a man what had filled his hand. 
 
 In about a week he came over an stayed for a couple o 
 days, an he showed up at Christmas too; an about once 
 a week after that he d drop in an stay four or five days. 
 Early in March he paid a visit to his own ranch to ready 
 
284 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 things up for spring, an the day after he was gone Jabez 
 sez to Barbie at dinner, " Now, Mr Hawthorn is a gentle 
 man. He asked me for the honor of winnin your hand in 
 holy wedlock ; an I have give my consent." 
 
 Barbie went along eatin her meal, an purty soon Jabez 
 sez, " Well, did you hear what I had to say ? " 
 
 " Why, certainly I did," sez Barbie, calmly. 
 
 " W r hat have you got to say about it ? " sez he. 
 
 " Oh, nothin in particular," sez she. " It was very polite 
 in him to ask, an very kind in you to give your consent ; but 
 I can t see as it interests me much. I can t see that he has 
 any show of winnin the hand. I promised that once, an 
 I ain t never got the promise back." 
 
 "Yes," snaps Jabez, "an who did you promise it to? 
 To a sneak who did n t care a pin for you but was only after 
 my money. If he was honest why did n t he ask me, the 
 same as Hawthorn did ? " 
 
 "Of course I can t tell for sure," sez she, without raisin 
 her voice or changin her expression, " but I thought at the 
 time that it was the hand itself he wanted, an not merely 
 permission to set an wish for it. In this life a man gener 
 ally gets what he asks for. Dick got the hand." 
 
 " Seems to set a heap o store by it," sez the ol man, 
 edgin up his voice cruel an tantalizin . " Where s this 
 Dick now; when did you last hear from this winner of 
 hands?" 
 
 It was a fierce stab, an Barbie went white as a sheet ; but 
 she faced him cool an steady. " I ain t never heard from 
 him since the day he left; but I trust him just the same. 
 The hand will be his when he chooses to claim it ; or if he 
 never comes back at all why the hand will still be his." 
 
 Cast Steel got on his hind legs an struck the table till 
 
FEMININE LOGIC 285 
 
 every dish en it jumped, an I rose a bit myself ; but Barbie 
 only curled her little red lip. " Curse him," sez the ol man, 
 " curse him, wherever he is an wherever he goes. He 
 has ruined my life an he has ruined yours ; an if he ever 
 steps foot on this ranch again, I 11 " 
 
 " Stop ! " sez Barbie, springin to her feet. " You give 
 me more sadness every day I live than Dick has altogether ; 
 but for pity s sake don t bind yourself by a threat. Wait 
 till he comes back, an be free to meet him like a man, not 
 like a thug pledged to murder." 
 
 " What do you know about him ? " sez the ol man, sittin 
 down. " For all you know, he may be robbin trains for a 
 livin . It would be right in his line." 
 
 " For all I know, robbin trains was where you got your 
 start," sez Barbie; an the ol man s face turned gray an* 
 his eyes stuck out like picture nails. He was n t used to 
 gettin it quite so unpolluted, an it gave him a nasty jar. 
 
 " How do you know at he ain t livin with the woman 
 he kept over at Laramie ? " sez Jabez, tryin to get the whip 
 hand again. " How do you know he ain t married ? " 
 
 " An how do I know at you ever was married " she 
 stopped short, bitin her lip an turnin red with shame. " I 
 know it s well nigh hopeless to plead with a natural bully," 
 she sez in a new tone ; " but I do wish at you d let me 
 alone. You re destroyin my respect for everything. I 
 can t stand this much longer. If I can t live here in peace 
 I 11 have to hunt a new place to live ; but as long as I do 
 stay here you will have to act like a man even if you 
 can t act like a father. I think that in the future I shall 
 take my meals alone." 
 
 " I do want to act like a father, little girl. That s what 
 I want most of all. If you would only go back to the old 
 
286 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 times, if you would only get this sneak out of your head " 
 Jabez had started in gentle an repentent, but the minute 
 he thought of Dick again he flared out white with rage 
 " an you might just as well get him out of your head, cause 
 he s the same as dead to you. I hate him ! I hate every 
 sneak ; an I hate every lie spoken or lived, I hate a lie ! " 
 
 The ol j man leaned forward, shaking with anger, an 
 Barbie got up like a queen an walked out o the room as 
 though she was steppin on the necks of the airy-stockracy. 
 She went to the office, an after a couple o minutes I follered 
 her, expectin to cheer her up a bit ; but she was n t mournin 
 none; she was workin like a steam engine, with her face 
 cold an white except for a little patch o red in each cheek ; 
 an when she raised her eyes to mine I knew at the ol man 
 had gone a link too far. 
 
 After me and Barbie had taken up Dick s work we had 
 divided his wages, an she had a nice little roll of her own 
 corded away. I did n t ask no questions, but it was plain as 
 day that she had jerked up her tie-rope; an the next time 
 Cast Steel used the spurs he was goin to be dumped off an 
 she was goin to hit the trail for Never-again. I did n t 
 blame her a mite ; an though I did n t pester her with 
 queries nor smother her with advice nor sicken her with 
 consolation nor madden her with pity, I did give her the 
 man-to-man look, an she knew at all she had to do was 
 to issue orders. 
 
 It was that very afternoon that she started to correctin my 
 talk an stimulatin my ambition, an tellin me about it never 
 bein too late to mend ; an while I could n t quite decide 
 just what she was drivin at I saw that when she found she 
 couldn t trust her cinches any longer we was both goin 
 to jump together. About five o clock she put her hand on 
 
FEMININE LOGIC 287 
 
 my shoulder an sez : " We ve been mighty good pals, 
 Happy Hawkins ; an while you ain t parlor-broke nor city- 
 wise, any time at anybody counts on you they don t have to 
 count over." 
 
 She walked softly out o the office, an I sat until it was 
 long after dark. I couldn t believe at she was desperate 
 enough to marry me; I could see the gulf between us 
 plain enough, an the higher you are the plainer you can 
 see the difference; but I could see that unless Jabez 
 changed his ways, why, the oldest man the was couldn t 
 tell how far Barbie would go. I did n t think a bit of my 
 self, I can say that much ; all I looked at was what would 
 make her the happiest, an she was welcome to take my life 
 any way she wanted. If she chose to drag it out for fifty 
 years, or if she selected that I cash it in the next hour, 
 my only regret would be that I hadn t but one life to 
 give her. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE 
 
 THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 
 
 THINGS went along purty much the same after that; but I 
 could see at the ol man sensed a new tone in things, an 
 he begun to look agey. He was still gallin on Barbie, but 
 I could n t help but feel mighty sorry for him. He had 
 paid all them years at she was away at school, out o the 
 joy of his own heart, lookin for his pay in the time when 
 she d come back an be his chum again, an here they was 
 with a wall of ice between em an nairy a lovin glance to 
 melt it down. 
 
 The come a warm spell toward the last o the month ; an 
 one evenin just as we was finishin supper we heard a cry 
 o distress in a man s voice an the cry sounded like 
 " Barbie ! " I reckon all our hearts stood still, an I reckon 
 we all thought exactly the same thing. In about a minute 
 the cry came again, an the ol man jumped to his feet an 
 pulled his gun. " If that s Silver Dick," sez he, " I 11 kill 
 him." 
 
 Barbie had also sprung up, an she looked him square in 
 the eyes. " If you harm a hair of his head I 11 I 11 do 
 some shootin myself." 
 
 She pulled a little gun out of her bosom, an we all stood 
 quiet for a moment. It was easy to see at she was n t 
 bluffin ; but I m purty sure that Jabez an I had different 
 idees as to what she meant. Jabez thought she meant him 
 self ; but he had n t got the name o Cast Steel for nothin , 
 an a sort of a grim smile crept onto his face. We stood 
 
THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 289 
 
 still for a moment, an then we went out together, an 
 before long we heard the sound again a long, waverin , 
 ghostly, call in the gatherin twilight. 
 
 We hurried along, an purty soon we saw a man lyin 
 across the trail. The ol man held his gun in his hand, an 
 so did Barbie, while I walked a step behind doin a heap o 
 thinkin . If the ol man killed Dick, Barbie would shoot 
 herself ; if any one stopped the ol man that one would take 
 on weight exceedin fast, unless he crippled the ol man first. 
 I finally made up my mind that I would try to overpower 
 the ol man without hurtin him, an ol Cast Steel was built 
 like a grizzly. I did n t enjoy that walk as much as some 
 I Ve took. When we got close to the figger lyin in the 
 trail we all walked a little crouchy. It looked quite a little 
 like Dick ; but when we saw it was n t nothin but that fool 
 Hawthorn with a busted leg, we three looked like the recep 
 tion committee of the Foolish Society. 
 
 I hustled back an got Hanson an a couple o the boys 
 and an ol door, an we fetched him home an put him to bed 
 an sent for the doctor an that was the worst luck that 
 ever happened to ol Dick. You know how a woman is with 
 anything hurt or sick ; they re the same the world over. 
 A right strickly wise married man would have everything 
 broke except his pocket-book, an then he d be sure o lots 
 of pettin . They allus want to spoil a feller when he s on 
 the flat of his back. When he s walkin around on his own 
 feet all he needs to do is to express a desire, an they vetoe 
 it on general principles, an after they ve talked themselves 
 dry they send out an get the preacher to finish the job ; but 
 when that same vile speciment of masculine humanity gets 
 some of his runnin gear damaged, why they bed him on 
 rose leaves, feed him on honey, an , good or bad, they give 
 
 19 
 
290 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 him whatever he wants. This particular feller wanted Bar 
 bie, an Barbie was mighty gentle with him. 
 
 Sometimes it seems to me that the only men who can 
 understand a woman are the men who work a lot with the 
 dumb creatures. Take an animal now, wild or tame, an 
 it hates to confess a weakness; it ll just go on head up an* 
 eyes flashin till it drops in its tracks so will a woman. 
 Take the fiercest female animal the is, an it s all mother 
 on the inside. Why, they re everlastin ly adoptin somethin 
 at don t rightly belong to em. Sometimes they go to work 
 an adopt a little straggler that in a regular way is their 
 daily food ; an it ain t no step-mother affair neither, it s 
 the real thing. 
 
 The wild animals are the best to study, cause the tame 
 ones have been some spoiled by associatin with man. Well, 
 the wild animals spend all their spare time dressin up an 
 cleanin their clothes, an when it ain t absolutely necessary 
 they hate to get a toe wet; but when it comes to love or 
 duty, why fire, water, nor the fear o man ain t goin to stop 
 em; so again I sez at the man what can savvy the wild 
 animals can get purty nigh within hailin distance of a 
 woman, an that s gettin close ; but you want to remember 
 this, no animal never tells the truth to an outsider. The prin 
 ciple part o their life is spent in throwin folks off their 
 trail, an they allus make their lairs in the most secret places. 
 If a feller ever gets to know em even a little he has to be 
 mighty patient an mighty careful, an above all things, he 
 mustn t never get the idee that he knows every last thing 
 about em the is to know, cause no man never knows that. 
 Some men try to estimate a woman by their own earthy 
 way o doin things. T would be just as reasonable for a 
 man who was purty wise to the ways of a pug-dog to get 
 
THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 291 
 
 inflated with the idee that he had a natural talent for hivin 
 grizzly bears. 
 
 But to get back to my tale: this Englishman had fallen 
 on his feet all right, even if the connection to one of em 
 was busted up a bit. I was around em a good bit, bein 
 forced to consult with Barbie about things, an I was able 
 to piece out the method he was usin . He was n t such a 
 fool as he looked, by consid able many rods. He talked a 
 heap about the sacrifice he had made for the girl back in 
 England, an how much he had loved her an how much 
 Barbie had comforted him, although even yet he could not 
 forget her. Once Barbie asked him what her name was. 
 For a moment he did n t answer, an then he sez in a low 
 voice, Alice LeMoyne. I lifted my face quick an gave him 
 a look, but he was n t noticin me. I did n t say anything ; 
 but I could n t help wonderin if this Alice LeMoyne had 
 anything to do with the dancer what had married into the 
 Clarenden family, an then died. It was an odd name, but 
 still I did n t reckon the was a patent on it. 
 
 Finally I could tell by their talk that Barbie had told him 
 about Dick, an then I knew the jig was about up. He allus 
 spoke o Dick in a gentle, soothin way, makin every excuse 
 for him ; an this made her think him a noble-minded feller ! 
 an the most natural outcome was for em to just bunch 
 their woes an cling together for comfort. She allus used 
 to sit by his side in the twilight, singin sorrowful love songs 
 to him, an once I caught him holdin her hand. You see 
 she was just naturally hungry for somethin to pet an care 
 for ; luck offered a spavined Englishman, an she was tryin 
 to make the best of it. 
 
 Jabez savvied this to the queen s taste, an he got gentle 
 an lovin to Barbie, an did all he could to square himself; 
 
292 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 so that poor old Dick was n t much more n a memory, 
 which is one o the complications absence is apt to cause 
 after it gets tired o makin the heart grow fonder. 
 
 But hang it, I did n t like this Englishman more than the 
 law required. The did n t seem to be much harm to him ; 
 but he had washy eyes, an he was too blame oily an gentle. 
 I never heard him swear all through it, an it ain t natural 
 for a real man to stand on his back for eight weeks without 
 havin a little molten lava slop over into his conversation. 
 It was all I could do to keep from stickin a pin into him. 
 
 " Barbie," I sez one day, as innocent as an Injun, " I over 
 heard our honored guest tell you that a girl by the name of 
 Alice LeMoyne put a crack in his heart over the water." 
 
 " Yes," sez she, with a sigh. 
 
 " It don t seem to be a popular name," sez I. " I ve met 
 lots o women who was n t called Alice LeMoyne." 
 
 " It is probably French," sez she. 
 
 " It does sound like a circus, that s a fact," sez I. " Well, 
 you break it to him gently that Alice LeMoyne is dead. 
 Don t ask me any questions, but do be careful not to shock 
 him, he seems purty high strung." 
 
 You might as well use sarcasm on a steer as on a woman ; 
 Barbie went up to Hawthorn with her eyes full o pity, 
 while I waited below an made up pictures o the crockadile 
 tears he d pump up for her. All of a sudden she gave a 
 shriek. I hit the stairs, goin forty miles an hour, an there 
 was Barbie with her hands clasped, lookin down at the 
 Englishman. 
 
 Well, he was enough to make a snake shriek. He was 
 layin there with his head jerked back, his eyes wide open 
 an pointin inwards, an lookin altogether like the ancient 
 corpse of a strangled cat. His hands was doubled up tight, 
 
THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 293 
 
 an the was a little froth on his lips. I d never seen nothing 
 like that before, so I threw some water in his face. That s 
 about all the rule I know for any one who is missin cogs, 
 an I poured enough water on him to please a duck. He 
 did n t respond for some several minutes, an when he did 
 come out of it he looked loose all over. I helped Barbie 
 get some dry stuff under him, an then I went down, won- 
 derin what kind o dynamite for him they d been in that 
 name I d sent up. 
 
 I tried to convince Barbie that his wires were all mixed 
 up an he was n t healthy ; but she argued that it showed a 
 loyal nature to be so affected by mention of his old sweet 
 heart, an tried to pump me for where I had picked up the 
 name. It looked too much like a chance shot to me, as this 
 guy had only been among us a few years, an I gathered 
 from Bill Hammersly that the Alice LeMoyne I was 
 springin had journeyed on, some several years earlier. 
 
 But the Englishman continued to repose on his bed o 
 down, Barbie read to him, cooked little tid-bits for him, 
 an he opened up his nature an gave a new shine to his eyes ; 
 while Jabez well, Jabez was buoyant as a balloon, an sent 
 here an there for nick-nacks an jim-cracks an such like 
 luxuries. He got to callin Hawthorn " Clarence " an " my 
 boy," an kindry epithets, till even a casual stranger would 
 V knowed the was a roarin in the ol man s head like a 
 chime o weddin bells. 
 
 Hawthorn was able to crutch around a bit by the first o 
 May; it was an early season, an the was a great harvest 
 o calves at the round-up. I was in work up to my eyes, 
 an sort o lost track of the doin s except when Barbie would 
 have the buckboard hooked up an come out to the brandin 
 ground. The weather was glorious, an you could n t have 
 
294 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 blamed an Injun idol for fallin in love, so I lost heart an 
 was two-thirds mad nine-tenths o the time. 
 
 Jabez had had a hard siege of it an it showed. His face 
 was lined, his hair was white at the temples, an the was a 
 wistful look in his eyes which was mighty touchy. Barbie 
 was more chummy with him too, an they was edgin back 
 to ol times; but I was darn glad to see Hawthorn finally 
 admit that he was sufficiently recovered to drive over an 
 see what had become of his own lay-out. 
 
 The very first meal that we et alone, however, showed 
 that the old sore was n t plumb healed over yet. Jabez 
 could n t wait any longer, so he called for a show-down as 
 soon as our food began to catch up with our appetite. 
 " Has Clarence popped the question yet, honey? " sez he. 
 
 " About twice a day on the average," sez Barbie, chillin 
 up a trifle ; " but I don t think he stands much chance. I 
 like him an he is kind an good ; but I don t reckon I could 
 ever marry him." 
 
 The ol man did n t flare up, same as he would have once. 
 He just sat still, lookin at his plate, an that was the hardest 
 blow he had ever struck her. She asked me twice that 
 afternoon if I thought he was failin . 
 
 Next day at dinner Jabez finished his rations, an then 
 leaned back an looked lovin ly at Barbie for a minute. 
 " Little girl," he sez, " I know at you don t like to hurt me 
 intentional ; but you have give me a mighty sight of heart 
 aches in my time. I have allus aimed to do what seemed 
 best for you, an it has generally been a hard job. I have n t 
 complained much ; but I m gettin old, child, I m gettin 
 old. It s not for myself, Barbie, it s all for you, for you 
 an for for the mother you never knew ; but who made 
 me promise to watch over an protect ya. I can t speak 
 
THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 295 
 
 of her, Barbie; but when I meet her out yonder I want to 
 be able to tell her that as far as I was able I ve done my 
 part. 
 
 " This Dick has been gone a year, an never a word to ya 
 to let you know even whether he s alive or not. This ain t 
 love, honey; he was only after my money. Now Clarence 
 is honest an open ; why can t you take up with him, so at 
 if I d be called sudden I could go in peace. It would mean 
 a lot to me to see you in good hands, honey. I m afraid at 
 Dick 11 wait until I m gone, an then come snoopin around, 
 like a coyote sneakin into camp when the hunters are away. 
 Don t answer me now, child; just think it over careful. 
 I Ve generally let you have your own way, but I do wish 
 you d give in to me this time." 
 
 Was Jabez f ailin was he ? Well, not so you could 
 notice it ! Course he was n t quite so physically able as 
 once; but I never saw him put up a toppier mental exhibi 
 tion than he did right then. Barbie did n t have a word to 
 say that afternoon until about five o clock. Then she sud 
 denly looked up from some reports we was goin over, an 
 sez, " Happy, if you had gone away from me like Dick did, 
 what would be the only thing what would have kept you 
 from comin back to me ? " 
 
 " By God, nothin but death ! " sez I, without stoppin to 
 think. 
 
 The color rushed to her cheeks as if I had slapped her; 
 an then it oozed away, leavin her white as chalk, while 
 I bit my lip an pinched myself somethin hearty. I had 
 wanted to compliment her I suppose, if I d had any motive 
 at all ; but what I had done, when you come to look it 
 square in the teeth, was to ask her to cut an ace out of a 
 deck with nothin left higher than a six spot. I ain t what 
 
296 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 you would call inventionative ; but I could a done a blame 
 sight better n that if I d taken the time to think, instead o 
 simply blurtin out the truth like some fool amateur. 
 
 " Well," sez she, finally, " Dick was twice the man you 
 are, so he must be dead." 
 
 We did n t say anything for some time. Vanity ain t like 
 a mill-stone about my neck ; but at the same time, whenever 
 any one plugs me in the face with an aged cabbage, I allus 
 like to make some little acknowledgment. Of course I 
 knew that she was handin me one for my fool break; but 
 she did it in cold blood, an if it had n t been for her bein 
 so stewed up in trouble, I d have made her furnish some 
 specifications to back up that remark. Twice is a good 
 many, but I let it go. 
 
 She sat lost in study for a while, an then said, mostly 
 to herself, " I reckon I might as well take him " my heart 
 popped up in my mouth till I liked to have gagged, but she 
 went on " he s honest an kind, an he s been true a 
 long time to his first love. I hope he 11 stay true to her 
 after we re married ; I know I 11 stay true to mine " then 
 I knew she meant that fool Englishman. " Anyway, father 
 has been good to me," she continued, " an I don t set 
 enough store by my own life to risk spoilin his." 
 
 " I suppose that mis-shapen stray from the other side is 
 twice the man I am, too," sez I. 
 
 She put her hand on mine an sez in a tired voice, " Ah, 
 Happy, you ve been my staff so far through the valley, 
 don t you slip out from under me too " ; so I swallered hard 
 a couple o times an let it go. 
 
 She sat still a long while, lookin out the window an up 
 to the ol gray mountains ; and as I watched her with her 
 lips tremblin, an her eyes misty, with courage winnin a 
 
THE WAYS OF WOMANKIND 297 
 
 battle over pain, I saw the woman lines of her face steal 
 forth an bury the last traces o girlhood. After a time she 
 sez softly, " Poor ol Dick, I wonder how it happened " ; but 
 never one tear got by her eyelids never one single tear. 
 
 From that on it was plain sailin . Barbie did n t put up 
 any more fight to either of em. She told em open an fair 
 that she would never in the world have consented if she 
 had thought that Dick was still alive; but if they was 
 willin to take what part of her heart was left why they 
 was welcome to it. Jabez was pleased at any kind of a com 
 promise at would give him his own way, an Clarence, 
 poor dear, was n t a proud lot. The flesh-pots of Egypt was 
 about all the arguments needed to win his vote, confound 
 him. I used to give him some sneerin glances what would 
 a put fight into the heart of a ring-dove; but he was 
 resigned an submissive; so at I had to swaller my tongue 
 when I saw him comin , for fear I might tell him my opin 
 ion of him an then stamp his life out for not bein insulted. 
 
 The first of November was selected for the weddin day ; 
 an Jabez told em at his present would be a trip to Europe 
 an a half interest in the ranch. Clarence sort o perked up 
 his face when Jabez told him about it ; an I thought he was 
 goin to suggest that they cut out the trip to Europe an 
 take the whole o the ranch. I had the makin s of a good 
 many cyclones in my system those days. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX 
 
 A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 
 
 I WAS lonesome once. I don t mean simply willin to sit in 
 a game, or to join a friendly little booze competition, or 
 feelin a sort of inward desire to mingle about with some o 
 the old boys an* see who could remember the biggest tales 
 I mean lonesome, the real rib-strainin article when a 
 man sits in a limpy little heap with his tongue hangin out, 
 a-wishin that a flea-bit coyote would saunter along, slap 
 him on the back, an call him friend. 
 
 I was out in No-man s land with just a small bunch o 
 mangy cows, an the grass so scarce I purt nigh had to get 
 em shod they had to travel so far in makin a meal. It 
 was hot an it was dusty an it was dry the whole earth 
 seemed to reek. My victuals got moldy an soft an sticky, 
 my appetite laid down an refused to go another peg; I 
 was just simply dyin o thirst, an every single drop o water 
 we came across had a breath like the dyin gasp of a coal- 
 oil stove, expirin for a couple o fingers o the stuff they 
 float universities in. 
 
 Now I d allus supposed that the* was n t anything left 
 to tell me about bein lonesome; but when it was finally 
 settled that Barbie was to waste herself on that imported 
 imitation of a hand-made mechanical toy, I found out that 
 heretofore I d been only dealin in childish delusions. The 
 whole Diamond Dot seemed to rest right on top o my soul : 
 the air did n t smell sweet, I got so I d lie awake at night, 
 food grew so fearless it could look me right in the face 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 299 
 
 without flinchin ; but one night I saw Merry England with 
 his arm around Barbie s waist, an that settled it. By the 
 time I had regained my self-control, I was twenty miles 
 from the ranch, an I knew that if I went back it would be 
 to make arrangements for the last sad obsequaries of Clar 
 ence the Comforter. 
 
 I had about three hundred bucks in my belt, so I wended 
 my way to Danders an sneaked aboard the East-bound 
 without attractin the notice of ol Mrs. Fate or any o the 
 rest o the Danders bunch. I got out at Laramie, an they 
 all knew Dick an was proud of him an eager to learn what 
 had become of him. One thing else I found out, an that 
 was that he had been keepin a woman all right, an that 
 she was livin there yet ; but never went out without a heavy 
 veil, an the was n t any way short o physical force to get 
 to speak to her. 
 
 I figured out that Dick wouldn t care to go back to 
 Texas, so the chances were that he was either in San Fran 
 cisco or England. I did n t know anything about England, 
 so I went to Frisco. I prowled around for a couple o days 
 exactly like a story-detective; an by jinks, I turned up a 
 clew. That feller, Piker, was the clew, an when I spied him 
 in a low gamblin room I made some little stir until I got 
 him alone so I could talk to him. I had n t hurt him none ; 
 but I had been tol able firm, an he was minded to speak 
 the truth. He told me that Dick was in the Texas Peni 
 tentiary for life that he had surrendered himself up, 
 an that this was what had give him life instead of the 
 rope. 
 
 I knew the gang what had put him there, an I knew that 
 his chances for gettin out were about as good as if he was 
 in his grave. I was stumped an I knew it; so I sez to 
 
300 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 Piker : " Piker, you may think that I m allus as gentle as 
 I ve been with you ; but if this ain t the truth you ve told 
 me I 11 get your life if I have to track you bare-footed 
 through hell." 
 
 He swore by everything he could remember that it was 
 the solemn truth, an then I turned him loose an I turned 
 myself loose too. The boys down at Frisco was certainly 
 glad to see me, an we sure had a royal good time as long 
 as my money lasted; but when it began to dry up they 
 seemed to lose interest in me an had a heap o private 
 business to attend to. 
 
 One mornin I noticed that I was dead broke ; so I drilled 
 down to the dock an sat on a post. Pretty soon along 
 comes a little fat man, an he looks me over from nose to 
 toe. I don t know why it is, but as a rule a city man takes 
 as open-hearted an disembarrassed an interest in me as 
 though I was a prize punkin or the father of a new breed 
 o beef cattle. After he had made up his opinion he smiles 
 into my eyes an sez, " I like your face." 
 
 "You soothe me," sez I. " I was just thinkin o havin it 
 remodelled; but now I 11 leave it just as it is." 
 
 Well, he laughs an slaps me on the back an sez, " I like 
 your style. Want to take a ride? " 
 
 " What on ? " sez I, for he seemed purty blocky an fat- 
 legged for a ridin man. 
 
 " On that there sailboat," sez he, pointin to a thing about 
 the size of a flat-iron with a knittin -needle stickin out of it. 
 
 I give a little think, an I sez : " To tell you the gospel 
 truth, Bud, I ain t never been on a sailboat in my life; but 
 I m game to play her one whirl if you 11 just wait until 
 I get my breakfast/ 
 
 " How long will it take?" sez he. 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 301 
 
 " Deuced if I know," sez I. " I ve been waitin here about 
 two hours already, an the ain t none showed up yet." 
 
 " Why don t you go to a restaurant ? " sez he. 
 
 " I thank you kindly for the suggestion," sez I ; " but the 
 same brilliant idee occurred to me a little over two hours 
 ago, an all my finger-nails is wore to the quick tryin to 
 scratch up enough change." 
 
 He studied my face a moment, then he chuckled up a 
 laugh, an scooted over to an eatin -house, comin back with 
 a lot o stuff an some coffee. Then we got into the boat 
 an begun to sail. Oh, it certainly was grand ! By the time 
 I had made it up with my stomach we were out on the 
 Pacific Ocean, an I felt like Christopher Columbus. 
 
 Enjoy myself? Well, I guess I did! I felt like a boy 
 with copper-toed boots an a toy balloon. Then things began 
 to churn up wild an furious. Fatty said that Pacific meant 
 mild an peaceful the darned, sarcastic, little liar! The 
 storm that was presently kazooin along was fierce an hor 
 rible, an that dinky little soap-bubble cut up scand lous. 
 
 We went jumpin 5 an slidin ahead, tilted away over on 
 one side, but Fatty never turned a hair; he said it was 
 nothin but a capful o wind, an he sat in the back end o 
 the boat with a little stick in his hand, hummin tunes an 
 havin the time of his life ; but give me a bunch of blizzard- 
 scared long-horns for mine. 
 
 I never knowed a boat was so human. This one bucked 
 an kicked an reared up an tried to fall over on its back, 
 the same as a mustang; while I held on with my teeth an 
 wondered if it was a put-up job. Then I began to feel as 
 though I had partakin of a balloon. I gritted my teeth an 
 swallered hot water constant ; but it was n t no use ; purty 
 soon that beautiful breakfast began to fight its way to lib- 
 
302 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 erty. Layer after layer, up it came ; an all the while mebbe 
 I was n t feelin like a tender- foot, with that fat little cuss 
 puffin his pipe in the back seat, as happy as a toad. 
 
 After a bit he looks at me purty sympathetic like, an sez, 
 " You seem to have a weak stomach." 
 
 " Weak ? " I yells. " Weak ! why you doggone son of a 
 pirate, it kicks like a shotgun every time it goes off. 
 Weak!" 
 
 We stayed out on our pleasure trip the best part of the 
 day, me lay in with what used to be my head jammed under 
 the front seat, while my liver chased my stomach up an 
 down my backbone, tryin to squeeze out a few more crumbs 
 o that breakfast. You can believe me or not; but when 
 noon came that double-dyed villain got out the grub an 
 began to eat even goin so far as to ask me to join him. 
 A hog would n t a done it. We came back about five 
 o clock, an by the time we reached the landin place I was 
 feelin fine. An hungry Say! 
 
 When we got upon the platform an started to walk up 
 town Fatty sez to me, " What are you goin to do to kill 
 time now ? " 
 
 " Time ? " sez I. " Well, now, I dunno as I feel any 
 inborn hankerin to slaughter time; but if the game laws 
 ain t in force I wouldn t mind flushin up a covey of fat 
 young ham sandwidges." 
 
 " You re a funny cuss," sez he. 
 
 " I am," sez I ; " an I hope I won t come sudden in front 
 of a lookin -glass. A good hearty laugh just now would bo 
 purty apt to puncture my stomach it s jammed up so 
 tight again my backbone." 
 
 " You don t seem to like this community," sez he. 
 
 " I don t know," sez I. " It s been a mighty long time 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 303 
 
 since I tasted it ; but I have an idy that I d enjoy some 
 served hot with a couple o porterhouse steaks smothered 
 in cornbeef hash an about three pints o coffee." 
 
 He chuckled up another laugh, an sez, "If you had a 
 good job here would you be apt to settle?" 
 
 " Settle ? " sez I. " You need n t worry much about that ; 
 I m no tight-wad. When it comes my turn to settle I gen 
 erally fish up a handful an say, Here, take it out o that 
 an keep the change. 
 
 He looked at me a minute without speakin , an then he 
 said, as though he was thinkin aloud, " You seem to be 
 mighty well set up." 
 
 I was hurt at this. " Your ticket entitles you to one more 
 guess," sez I. " Any time anybody got set up in my com 
 pany since I struck town the bartender allus managed to 
 sneak me the checks without gettin caught at it. The 
 must a been a cold snap here, an all the easy spenders got 
 froze up." 
 
 " No, I mean you re wonderful well built," sez he. " Kin 
 you ride a hoss ? " 
 
 " I can," sez I, "if he s kind an gentle, an I manage to 
 get a good grip on the saddle horn, an he don t start to 
 lopin or somethin like that." 
 
 " Do you know what a knight is ? " sez he. 
 
 " Yes," sez I, " I do when I m home ; but since I ve 
 been here I ain t wasted none of em in sleep, so I ain t right 
 certain." 
 
 " No, I don t mean that kind," sez he. " I mean the sol 
 diers of long ago who used to wear steel armor an fight 
 with spears an rescue maidens an so forth. I believe I 
 can get you a job at it for a month or so, at three dollars 
 a day." 
 
304 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 " Now look here, Bud," sez I, " them three dollars look 
 mighty enticin to me, an I ain t no objection to rescuin 
 the maidens; but I move we cut out the steel armor an 
 the spears. If the s any great amount o maidens in need 
 o rescuin , I could do the job a heap quicker with my six- 
 shooters." 
 
 " Oh, I don t mean to be a real knight," sez he. " I want 
 you to advertise tobacco." 
 
 " Say," sez I, " perhaps you never noticed it ; but after 
 you ve been livin on air for some time you get so you can t 
 tell whether it s yourself or the other feller what s crazy. 
 I came down to this town because my appetite was clogged 
 up an would n t work ; but I m cured. I m the most in 
 fernally cured individual you ever set eyes on, an I m goin 
 back where food ain t too blame proud to be seen in com 
 pany with a poor man." 
 
 Well, I broke through his crust that time, an we sidled 
 into a feed- joint, where I pried my ribs apart while he un 
 folded his plot. It seemed the was a brand of chewin 
 tobacco what had one o these here knights on the tag, an 
 I was to dress up like the picture an advertise it. The man 
 who was to do it had sprained his ankle, an Fatty s brother 
 was huntin up a new man. Fatty said he d get me the 
 job. 
 
 Well, he did, an* next mornin I started out in a tin suit 
 with a sort of kettle turned upside down an covered with 
 feathers for a sky-piece. I certainly made an imposin 
 sight, an all I had to do was to ride around an fling little 
 plugs o tobacco out o my saddle-bags. But the was draw 
 backs. The generally is. 
 
 Take the real native-son brand of Friscoite, an he 11 tell 
 you at Frisco an Paradise are swnonomous. I used to like 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 305 
 
 to argue em out about it. One day I had a thirty-third 
 degree one pointin his finger in my eye an beatin his palm 
 with his fist, an spreadin himself somethin gorgeous. He 
 never curbed his jubilization nor altered the heavy serious 
 ness of his expression; but in the most matter-of-fact way 
 in the world he backs over to the door- jamb an begins to 
 polish it up with his spinal column. If ya 11 notice you 11 
 find most o the coats in that locality has curious little streaks 
 up the back but it ain t polite to ask questions about em. 
 
 " Look here, Bud," sez I, interruptin , " I know all about 
 your golden gates an sea lions an cosmopopilic civiliza 
 tion ; but how about your fleas ? " 
 
 " Fleas ! " sez he. " Hang the fleas ! I 11 tell you about 
 them. The devil he tried an experiment ; he wanted a place 
 so fine to live in that man would n t have no inducement to 
 try to get to heaven; so he studied all the cities an the 
 towns an then he made Frisco. The experiment worked 
 to perfection ; everybody what lived there was perfectly 
 satisfied, an the preachers could n t make em believe at 
 any place could be any better. But the good Lord, he was 
 powerful fond o the Friscoites, so he finally figgered out 
 the little red flea an then even Frisco had a drawback; 
 not enough to give the town anything of a black eye ; just 
 enough to leave one little talkin -point in favor of everlastin 
 bliss." 
 
 Well, these here fleas was consid able of a talkin -point 
 with me all right when I was takin the part of a canned 
 knight. They used to congregate together in the valley 
 between my shoulder-blades, an I d get off an back up 
 again a lamp-post, but it wa n t no use. I couldn t reach 
 em, an the ain t no way on earth to scare em. Finally 
 I hit upon a plan of wearin a couple o feet o chain down 
 
306 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 the back o my neck an givin it a jerk now an again. It 
 was only just moderately comfortable; but I had the satis 
 faction of knowin that it was more of a bother to them 
 than it was to me. A suit of armor ain t no tenement 
 house, it s only meant for one. But when they got on my 
 face they had me beat. I d forget all about bein sealed 
 up, an I d take a smash at one an bat the kettle over 
 again my forehead until I had both eyebrows knocked out 
 o line. 
 
 I carried a spear with a little flag on it, an rode a hoss 
 built like a barrel. He had been in the brewery business 
 all his life an looked the part. About the only item in the 
 whole parade that put me in mind of myself was my lariat. 
 I smuggled that along for company, an so I d have some- 
 thin to work with, provided anything turned up. 
 
 Fatty had give me a book called " Ivanhoe " the night 
 before I started out, an it was full o pictures about knights 
 knockin each other about with spears; an I bet a hat it 
 was fun to be a real one an not have no tobacco to adver 
 tise, but just nothin to do except jab each other with spears. 
 I reckon a corkin good one like Ivanhoe himself or the 
 Black Knight got more an three a day for it too ; but the 
 one best bet is, that the vigilance committee those days 
 didn t take on much superfluous fat. 
 
 I enjoyed myself first rate, an upset a couple o delivery 
 wagons because they would n t make way for me, roped a 
 runaway steer at had the whole town scared, an chased a 
 flat-head clear into the Palace Hotel for throwin a pear at 
 me. Fatty s brother confided to him that I was the best 
 advertisement they d ever had. 
 
 Still I allus get weary o doin the same sort o thing day 
 after day. That s what gets me about livin in town ; it s 
 
^ MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 307 
 
 so blame monotonous. Out on the range now a feller can 
 allus be expectin a little excitement even if he ain t enjoyin 
 it right at the time; but in town it s just the same thing 
 over an over again. It s bad enough at any time ; but if 
 you want to soak yourself plumb full o the horrors of a 
 great city you want to wear a tin suit with an iron kettle 
 strapped on your head that you can t take off without help. 
 I got so blame disgusted drinkin steam beer through a 
 straw that if any one would a dared me I d a signed the 
 pledge. 
 
 If it had n t been for the children I d probably got hysteri 
 cal an been voted into the uncurable ward ; but they thought 
 I was the finest thing out, an I used to give em little plugs 
 o tobacco for souvynears. I used to read " Ivanhoe " at 
 night an tell stories to the kids the next day. Some o them 
 thought I was a fairy godmother; an I generally had such 
 a gang troopin after me that we looked like an orphan 
 asylum out for an airin . I allus did like children. 
 
 Well, one day I was out at the foot o the hill neighbor 
 hood on Sutter Street. A lot o cars was blockaded, an a 
 herd o kids stood lookin on. I stopped an talked to em, 
 an the was one little girl, just for all the world like another 
 little girl I used to know, away back yonder in Indiana. 
 She had the same confidin smile an the same big, wide 
 open eyes ; an I felt a sort o lump in my throat when she 
 looked at me. She had that same queer little look that 
 Barbie d had when she was a child too. Her mother was 
 named Maggie, which also happened to be the name o the 
 little girl I had known clear away back when I d been a 
 school-boy. All of a sudden I felt lonesome again; so I 
 give the kids the slip an skirted the car. 
 
 I started to ride up the Hyde Street hill on the other side, 
 
308 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 an say, it was a hill! Steep? Well, it was about all Mr. 
 Hoss could do to climb it. While I was wonderin if I 
 had n t better let that part o town go unadvertised I heard 
 a rumble, looked up, an saw comin over the square o the 
 next street a big wagon loaded with lumber an runnin 
 towards me down the hill. The was n t no hosses hitched 
 to it, an the tongue stuck straight out in front. It was 
 comin like a steam-engine, an like a flash I remembered 
 Maggie on the other side o the car. That wagon would 
 a weighed six tons, an any fool could see what would 
 happen when it struck that street car. 
 
 For a second for just one second, which seemed to last 
 a thousand years I was turned to stone. I could hear 
 the crash ; I could hear the screams ; I could feel the horrid 
 scrunch as car, wagon, an all ground over poor little 
 Maggie; and then everything cleared up, an I could think 
 ninety times a minute. 
 
 I turned my rope loose an backed ol Mr. Barrel up on 
 the sidewalk in the wink of a hair trigger. I looked down 
 at the hoss, an he would have weighed a full ton himself; 
 but I knew that he wouldn t have sense enough to brace 
 himself when the jerk came. It was comical the way 
 thoughts kept flashin through my head everything I had 
 done, an everything I might have done, an a heap more 
 beside ; but the thing that worried me most was the thought 
 that a mighty good story was about to happen, an the 
 chances were that I would n t be the one to do the tellin of 
 it afterward. I can talk about it easy now ; but I was n t 
 breathin then. 
 
 On came the wagon, an it looked as though nothin under 
 heaven could stop it. A strange feelin o weakness swept 
 over me for a minute, and and darned if I did n t 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 309 
 
 pray, right then. The pressure lifted like a fog, an I sat 
 there as cool an still as though I was Ivanhoe, darin the 
 whole blame outfit to come at me in a bunch; an I was 
 some pleased to notice that a little group had gathered to see 
 the outcome. My knees dug into the hoss s ribs as I circled 
 the rope around my head, an then at just the right instant 
 I gave the foreleg throw. Well, it landed everything 
 landed. As soon as the noose caught the tip o the tongue 
 I yanked back on the brewer until he must a thought his 
 lower jaw had dissolved partnership. 
 
 The never was any neater work never. The noose 
 tightened well out on the tongue, an when the strain came 
 the wagon turned in toward the sidewalk, runnin in a big 
 circle on the outside wheels. The jerk had lifted ol Uncle 
 Brewer, who did n t have gumption enough to squat, plumb 
 out in the middle o the street, an just as the wagon climbed 
 the curb an dove into the basement office of a Jew doctor 
 the rope tightened up with me an the brewer square behind. 
 It did n t last long ; the was only one cinch to the saddle, 
 an the first jerk had purty well discouraged that; the 
 brewer had grew suspicious an all four of his feet was dug 
 into the cobble stones ; the wagon was lopin along about 
 ninety miles a second, an when the tug came me an the 
 saddle an the tinware an about four thousand plugs o 
 tobacco made a half -circle in the air an plunged through 
 the first story winder onto the dinin -table an the family 
 was at dinner. 
 
 Nobody was hurt; but I wish you could have seen the 
 eyes o that family an their hands yes, an their ton 
 sils too. They didn t seem fully prepared. After a time 
 the doctor got his heart to pumpin again, an he roars out, 
 " Vat are you doin vat are you doin ? " 
 
310 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 " I m advertisin tobacco/ sez I, tryin to cut the kettle 
 off my head with a fruit-knife. 
 
 Then he did the wind-mill act with his hands an rolled 
 up his eyes an sez, " Veil, mine Cott, man, dis iss no vay 
 to atfertice dobaggo ! " 
 
 " Mebbe not, oF sport," sez I, thinkin o the way that 
 wagon had dove into his office, an takin a general survey 
 o the dinner table; " but if you re game at all you got to 
 own up it makes a strong impression." 
 
 He was a comical little cuss, an it amused me a heap 
 to see how excited he was. He splutered an fizzed away 
 like a leaky sody fountain, while the rest o the tribe kept 
 up a most infernal squawkin . 
 
 By the time I had the tobacco an the balance o the trim- 
 min s picked up an got back to the street again I found the 
 rest o the population gathered together to see who was 
 holdin the celebration; an from that on my stay in the 
 city was a nightmare. The passengers in the car gave me 
 gold watches an champagne suppers, the Jew doctor wore 
 himself to a bone tryin to find out whether it was me, the 
 lumber company, or the tobacco firm which had to pay the 
 piper ; while the newspaper reporters pumped me as dry 
 as the desert. The tobacco company kept me on double 
 pay, because when it came to what they call a publicity 
 agent I had played every winnin number open an coppered 
 all the ones that lost. 
 
 That car had been loaded with a group o the real, gen 
 uine gold-sweaters, an they entered into a fierce compe 
 tition to see which could load me down with the finest watch 
 an load me up with the finest champagne. They got me 
 to make em after-dinner speeches an do fancy stunts with 
 my raw-hide ropin wine bottles off the waiters trays an* 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 311 
 
 such until we got as friendly as a herd of tramps. They 
 even got me into a long- tailed coat an a bullfrog vest ; but 
 I didn t take kindly to that, count o there not bein any 
 handy place to tote a gun except the tail pocket, which I 
 never could have got at in case the trouble was to- slop over. 
 
 I kept lookin for little Maggie, an one day I found her. 
 I bought her a couple o pounds o candy an a lot o new 
 dresses ; an I took her out to her home in a carriage. Well, 
 this home o hers was a thing to wring the heart of an ossi 
 fied toad. It was up near the Barbery coast, where they 
 kill folks for exercise. She an her mother was livin in 
 two miserable rooms, her mother doin washin an Maggie 
 runnin errands; but they was as near respectable as half- 
 fed people ever was in the world, an it made em hustle 
 to even keep half fed, too, cause they was in competition 
 with the Chinks, who don t have to eat at all that is, not 
 regular food. 
 
 An would you believe it, her mother was the little Maggie 
 I used to know away back yonder in the kid days when all 
 the world was just like a big, bulgey Christmas-stocking. 
 She had married a good man, an had come out to the coast 
 with him on account of his health, an he had flickered out 
 without leavin her much but a stack o doctor s bills an 
 little Maggie. She had struggled along ever since, an it 
 made my heart ache like a tooth to see the sweetness an 
 the beauty o the little girl I used to know come to the 
 eyes o this poor tired woman an smile smile the same 
 old smile like what she used to when I d given her an 
 apple, or when she d written me a little note an sneaked it 
 across the aisle. 
 
 Well, I did n t stay long. I had a special swell function 
 to attend that night, but next mornin , when the Turkish- 
 
312 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 bath man was willin to risk the peace o that locality by 
 turnin me loose, I gathered up a peck or so o watches an 
 cashed em in. I reckon I got beat some; but anyhow, 
 I drew down somethin over sixteen hundred in yeller 
 money ; an I took them two Maggies down to the train an 
 shipped em back where the little one would have a chance 
 to grow up like a flower, with plenty o green grass an 
 sunshine about her, an the mother could put on a clean 
 dress afternoons an visit round a little with the friends 
 o long ago. 
 
 After they was gone everything seemed mighty gloomy an 
 damp an lonesome, an I entered into the social festivities 
 most enthusiastic. The was somethin about both these two 
 Maggies that kept bringin Barbie before me, an what I 
 felt most like doin was to bolster up my forgetfulness. 
 
 It was n t very long, however, before I noticed that my 
 quiet an simple life had n t in nowise fitted me for refined 
 society, an I made my plans to bid it a fond farewell. I m 
 just as cordial a friend as whiskey ever had; but my con 
 science rebels at floodin my vital organs with seventeen 
 different colored wines at one meal. I ve been infested 
 with pink elephants an green dragons an I never com 
 plained none; but hang me if I can get any comfort out of 
 a striped yellow spider ten feet high on horrid hairy legs. 
 
 I was sittin in the Palace lobby one mornin wonderin 
 if I d bump my head should I happen to sneeze, when in 
 come one o my pals. His face lit up when he see me an 
 he came over holdin out his hand. I held out my own hearty 
 enough ; but I sez in a warnin voice, " Now, before you 
 ask me the customary question I want to inform you that 1 
 positively don t want a drink, neither now nor this evenin , 
 nor never again." 
 
A MODERN KNIGHT-ERRANT 313 
 
 " Pshaw," sez he, " I m goin to pull out for home to 
 day, an I don t want to go without a farewell libation to the 
 good times we ve been havin ." 
 
 " I m goin to pull out, myself," sez I, " but I went on my 
 farewell libation last night. Where might your home be ? " 
 
 " Texas," sez he. I straightened up. 
 
 " Know the governor ? " sez I. 
 
 " Some," sez he, his eyes twinklin ; " he was my sister s 
 youngest brother." 
 
 "Your sister s youngest brother?" sez I, an then I 
 tumbled. " Say," I yelled, jumpin to my feet, " you don t 
 mean that you re it yourself?" 
 
 ;< That s the history," sez he; " but if it s just the same 
 to you, I d rather you didn t work up much of a story 
 about the way I ve handled this town since you saved that 
 car." 
 
 " Do you really think at I saved your life ? " sez I. 
 
 "Why," sez he, "if that wagon had ever hit the car 
 the would n t a been anything left but my teeth to identify 
 me by, an I ain t never had one filled yet." 
 
 Well, I took one drink with him, an I told him the 
 straight o that cattle ring an how Jim Jimison had sur 
 rendered on account o the best little girl that walked, an 
 that he was the all around squarest boy the was. I did n t 
 cork up any natural eloquence I happened to have, an I was 
 some sorry at ol Hammy couldn t have heard that plea. 
 It was dramatic, an I 11 bet money on it. The outcome 
 was, that he swore he d have Jim out o the pen as soon 
 as he could get back an do the signin . He was a big man 
 with steel gray eyes, an by jing I felt good over it; but 
 I stuck to the one-drink proposition. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN 
 
 THE CREOLE BELLE 
 
 WELL, now, mebbe I did n t feel fine ! I d have a real man 
 for Barbie to marry purty soon, an it was a good job o 
 work to send that washy-eyed Englishman back to his one- 
 hoss ranch to learn how to act grown-up. I was all squared 
 around now. Up to that mornin I could n t tell where on 
 the face I did want to head for ; but now I knew. I wanted 
 to bee-line straight for the Diamond Dot an light the joy- 
 lamps in Barbie s eyes again. When I had given my life to 
 her the was n t no strings to the gift. I had n t said that 
 my happiness was to be considered at all, nor the happiness 
 of any one else on the whole earth except just her own, 
 an I was wild to be back. 
 
 I was makin up my mind to sneak away without seein 
 any o the glad band those Frisco fellers are terrors when 
 they take a fancy to ya I mean the thoroughbreds, the 
 toppy lads with rolls at a ten-year-old boy could n t up-end 
 without strainin himself. I hated to do it ; but I m only 
 human, an when I m in earnest about bein delivered from 
 evil I allus get up early in the dawn an get a good start 
 while temptation is still enjoyin its beauty sleep. 
 
 I had just got my will power properly stiffened up, when 
 lo an behold, I was slapped on the back an a merry voice 
 exclaimed, "Happy Hawkins, by the Chinese Devil!" 
 
 I glanced up into a bearded face with two twinklin eyes 
 an an outdoor look about it. I recognized the eyes all 
 right, but I knew I hadn t never seen em in that sort o 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 315 
 
 trimmin before ; so I sez in a dignified manner, " I m 
 exceeding glad to see ya, but who the 11 are ya? " 
 
 " Ches ! " sez he. " Ralph Chester Stuart Great Scott, 
 have you lost your memory ? " 
 
 Well, by the Jinks, but I was glad to see the boy, an we 
 hid away in a private room with two pure an proper lemon 
 ades before us. He was a genuine minin engineer, an had 
 been havin lots of queer experiences. He wanted me to 
 sign up with him, promisin me that we d have change of 
 bill twice a week ; but I finally prevailed upon him that I 
 had aged considerable since our didoes with the goat, an 
 all of a sudden he ups an sez, " By the way, old hat, I ve 
 got you news ! " 
 
 " Yes ? " sez I. " Where d you get it ? " 
 
 " Why, about the Creole Belle," sez he. 
 
 "Creole Belle!" sez I. "Well, tell it, tell it. Why 
 don t you tell it ? " 
 
 " Oh, fudge," sez he ; " it s been long enough on the 
 way, an I reckon it 11 keep a minute longer. The Creole 
 Belle was a gold-mine named after a woman." 
 
 "Good or bad?" sez I. 
 
 " Good," sez he. " Paid two hundred dollars to the ton 
 in spots." 
 
 " I meant the woman, confound ya," sez I. 
 
 " Well, it seems that she was a purty square sort of a 
 woman," sez Ches, " but I did n t suppose at you d care 
 much about her. The mine " I groaned. " Well, you 
 fool me," sez Ches, seein I was in earnest. " The was a 
 purty florid romance mixed up in it too ; but I did n t sup 
 pose you was interested in such things, an I did n t pay 
 much heed to that part of it." 
 
 " That s allus the way when a boy does anything," sez 
 
316 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 I, with peevishness. " Now you set there an think up all 
 you can about the deal everything." 
 
 "Well," sez Ches, slowly, "it seems that a couple o 
 young Easterners came out to find their fortune. They was 
 the true Damon an Pythias brand o partners, an stood 
 back to back durin a protracted spell o good, stiff, copper- 
 bottomed misfortune. They finally located a mine that 
 looked good-natured an generous ; but it was a fooler. 
 One day it coaxed em an next it give em the laugh. Finally 
 they each got down in turn with mountain- fever an a 
 beautiful young girl nursed em. She was there with her 
 father, who was workin a claim near by. He was an odd 
 sort of chap to be minin though come to think of, that s 
 not possible, seein that all kinds o men " 
 
 " Ches," I breaks in, " will you kindly get on with that 
 tale, or must I shake it out o you ? " 
 
 He seemed mightily surprised, but he went on : " Well, 
 the girl was a beauty, an she had a gigantic maid " 
 
 " Monody ! " I shouted. 
 
 " Keeno ! " shouts back Ches, some exasperated. 
 
 " Now that was n t slang nor sarcasm what I was usin ," 
 sez I, smoothin it over. " That gigantic maid you men 
 tioned is part o the tale that you don t know yet." 
 
 " Well, naturally, while they -was bein nursed they both 
 fell in love with her " 
 
 "With Monody?" I yells. 
 
 " No, you ijot, with the girl ! " Ches was gettin flustered. 
 " She was a corkin handsome girl, an they all called her 
 the Creole Belle. To be strictly honest though, they did n t 
 really fall in love with her. They both loved the same girl 
 back in Philadelphia, an they just took to the Creole Belle 
 as a sort of a substitute. Now the ol man an the big maid 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 317 
 
 watched over the girl careful, an the was n t no harm come 
 of it ; an when the mine finally got to handin out the gilt 
 without jokin about it, the two pals got to goin off alone 
 an thinkin o the girl back East. They had four or five 
 miners workin for em by this time, an they was gettin 
 the dust in quantities. Finally they got together about it. 
 It seems that they had an agreement that neither one would 
 propose to the girl without the other s consent, but they 
 had each been makin gentle-love in their letters to her, while 
 she did n t seem to know which she liked best." 
 
 " Where d you learn all this ? " sez I. 
 
 " Oh, I ve been askin all the ol miners I Ve met," sez 
 Ches, " an at last I found one who knew the whole of it. 
 All of em knew something; things ain t done secret in a 
 minin camp, an all the boys got interested. Well, they 
 finally agreed to play five hands o draw for the first chance 
 to propose. If the lucky one got the girl he was to pay the 
 loser half the profits. If he lost an the second feller got 
 the girl on his proposal, he was to get mine an girl both. 
 They was still fond o the Creole Belle an she was fond o 
 them from all accounts they was men above the average, 
 all right. Well, they played the five hands an it was even 
 bones at the fourth show. Then Jordan made a crooked 
 move o some kind, an Whitman called for a new deal. 
 It was the first suspicion that had ever raised its head be 
 tween em, an they looked into each other s eyes a long 
 time: then Jordan dealt again an Whitman won. 
 
 " He wrote to the girl, an after a time she answered, 
 savin yes. Jordan an Whitman was n t such good pals as 
 before; but when the girl was due to arrive they started 
 down in the stage to meet her, both together. Just as they 
 was goin by the ol man s claim Ol Pizarro, or some 
 
318 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 such a name as that he had the stage lost a front wheel 
 an Whitman got a broken leg. They took him into the 
 ol j man s cabin, sent a man on hoss-back after the doctor, 
 an Whitman insisted that Jordan ride on down to meet the 
 girl. They d had a hard time gettin the girl to consent 
 to come at all; but she was an orphan with only a faithful 
 servant for a family, an she had finally give in, seein as 
 Jordan would be there as her best friend; an now Whit 
 man forced Jordan to go down an meet her." I remembered 
 the letter at little Barbie had made me read, an I was able 
 to guess the rest. 
 
 " Well, Jordan met the girl, an the servant who had 
 tagged along, the name of the servant was Melisse, if you 
 want all the details." 
 
 "I knew it," sez I; "goon." 
 
 "He brought the girl back to where the Creole Belle 
 was tendin to Whitman in a mighty gentle an tender way. 
 The girl did n t seem to care much for Whitman when she 
 saw him, an that very day they had it out. She did n t 
 make no fuss, she was a game one all right ; just said that 
 it was a mistake all round an left on the next stage, goin 
 to Frisco. 
 
 " Whitman was laid up six weeks, an* by the time he 
 was out Jordan told him that he was ready to propose to 
 the girl on his own hook. Whitman agreed, Jordan made 
 his play, got a favorable answer, an Whitman made over 
 a full deed to the Creole Belle. Just at this time ol Pizzaro 
 cashed in, an the first thing Whitman knew he was married 
 to the Creole Belle, had sold his wife s mine an started to 
 leave the country. Down at the station he hears a chance 
 word that gives him a tip, an he leaves his wife there an 
 goes back to the mine. He accuses Jordan of havin told 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 319 
 
 the eastern girl that he was already married to the Creole 
 Belle when she came out to marry him herself. Jordan 
 denies it, but they fight, an it s sure a bad fight. Jordan 
 gets three bullets in his body an only laughs about it ; but 
 he shoots Whitman twice, so that fever sets in, an it was 
 reported that he died. Anyhow, he s taken down to the 
 train an put on board, out of his head ; an was never heard 
 of again. 
 
 " Jordan hid his wounds purty well, bein a man o won 
 derful grit ; but just when he was gettin around again one 
 o the boys what Whitman had done a good turn to picks 
 a quarrel with Jordan, an Jordan still bein stiff from the 
 wounds he was hidin , gets the worst of it, is hammered up 
 with a pick-handle an left for dead. He don t die, how 
 ever, he works the Creole Belle mine till he s taken out 
 about a million, an then she closes up an he gets out o the 
 country for keeps. That s all the is to that tale. Now 
 you tell me what part of it you re interested in." 
 
 " Was that all you heard about the gigantic maid ? " 
 sez I. 
 
 " You certainly have a healthy appetite for gossip," sez 
 Ches, laughin . " But I did hear more about the maid : she 
 came back to that part a few months later to square things 
 up with her lover. He did n t appear willin to square, an 
 they found him in his cabin one mornin with his throat tore 
 out by the roots, an they found her clothes on the bank o 
 Devil Crick; so that ends her story. She must a been 
 some devil herself." 
 
 " No," sez I to Ches, " the worst any one can call her is 
 a man ; an it was n t altogether her fault that you can call 
 her that, I 11 stake my soul on it." 
 
 Ches was ravenous to learn why it was that I wanted all 
 
32(? HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 that old scandal dished up; but I was too busy to tell him 
 right then, an he was goin to leave in an hour to overlook 
 some new findin s out in Nevada. We promised to write 
 to each other, an I told him that probably I d be willin to 
 take a job with him in a month or so; an then he skinned 
 out to make ready, an I got busy on my letter. Letters 
 never was one o my chief delights; but I wrote to Jim, 
 tellin him enough o the details to throw a bluff into Jabez ; 
 but not enough to put Jim wise to the tale. Just gave him 
 the right names an the name o the mine an told him to 
 bluff that he knew it all; but not to speak too free; an 
 that would suit all around an put Jabez into a nervous 
 condition. I sent this letter to the governor, tellin him 
 to give it to Jim personal, an to hustle things for a quick 
 finish. 
 
 I posted my letter an started up to the desk to pay my 
 bill, when I had another turn. I stood still with a shock, 
 pinchin myself to see if I was in my right mind or only 
 sufferin from an extra foolin hang-over. A jaunty young 
 chap with out-standin clothes, an a brindle bull-terrier was 
 registerin their names, an if I was in my right mind I 
 knew them folks for true. I was feelin exuberant to a 
 dangerous limit, an I sneaks up an unsnaps the bull-terrier 
 from the leash what the porter was holdin . Well, it was 
 Cupid all right, an he was bugs to see me. He started 
 jumpin up on my shoulders an makin queer sounds, an 
 I pertends at I m scared to death an duck an dodge around 
 that office until I have all the inmates standin on the fur 
 niture an yellin police. 
 
 Bill runs around after us tellin me not to be frightened, 
 an givin Cupid a tongue-handlin that would a stung 
 a deaf alligator. When I can t hold in any longer I rolls 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 321 
 
 over on a dievan that s what they call a hotel sofy an* 
 get Cupid in my arms an make a sound as if he was 
 stranglin me. Bill gets Cupid by the collar an jerks him 
 off, an then I stands up an sez in a hurt an dignified voice, 
 " It seems darned funny to me that I can t welcome an old 
 friend without you interferin ." 
 
 He give me one look I was festooned a little out o the 
 ordinary an then he begins. First he d sing a chant 
 about how tickled he was to meet up with me, an then he d 
 sermonize most doleful about how untasteful it was to 
 commit such a havoc as that in a hotel lobby, especially 
 with a dog what had been trained to have quiet an re 
 fined manners. I finally refused to hold my safety valve 
 down any longer; an I grabbed him under the arms 
 an waltzed him over the marble, while Cupid frolicked 
 around us an Bill kicked me on the shins. I had had 
 too many things happen to me in a small space o time 
 to be altogether sane, an it took a good many kicks on the 
 shins to get me down to a practical basis again. Bill was 
 plumb disgusted; but Jessamie, who had seen the last 
 part of it, had to join in with the rest o the crowd an have 
 a laugh. 
 
 Bill refused to eat unless we could have a private dinin 
 room. Not on Cupid s account neither ; he d got civilized 
 enough to stand for Cupid bein treated like a dog by this 
 time; but it was me he was scared of, an I sensed it, an* 
 refused to feed with him at all unless it would be in the 
 main mess hall, an Jessamie voted with me; so Bill had 
 to give in. 
 
 He did n t want to make the contrast too strong, so he 
 slid into a dark suit instead of the real caper, while I 
 wiggled into my champagne apron an* marched in like I 
 
 21 
 
322 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 was a foreign delegate. Well, you should have seen Bill 
 his mouth took on the triangle droop, an his lamps was 
 stretched to match. I was entirely at home, et with the 
 right forks, joshed the waiters, an when my friends began 
 to drop over an pass the season s greetings, an I presented 
 em to Bill an Jessamie, an Bill saw that they was nothin 
 at all but cream, I bet you a tip that he was the worst locoed 
 man in topsy-turvy Frisco. 
 
 We had a hard time throwin the gang off the trail ; but 
 I finally sent em over to the Pampered Pug restaurant, 
 while I took Bill an Jessamie to a quiet little spot to hold 
 our own reunion. They had just come from a trip around 
 the world they was still on their honeymoon, in fact ; an 
 I had to listen to a heap o Sunday-school story adventures 
 at they d been havin . 
 
 After a while, though, I nudged Bill back to the Clarenden 
 family trail, an he said at they had stopped for over a 
 month with his friends in England, an was posted up to 
 the minute. 
 
 " Well," sez I, as though I was inquirin after an old pal, 
 "how s the Earl?" 
 
 "They re plumb out o earls in that family," sez Bill. 
 " The old one s dead an they ve hunted high an low for 
 the strays an can t even find Richard." 
 
 " They won t need him," sez I. " The younger son is 
 still in good order, an when the proper time comes I 11 
 spring him on em; but I doubt if he takes the job after 
 all." 
 
 " Confound you, Happy," sez Bill, " I never can tell 
 whether you re jokin or not on this subject. Deuced if I 
 ever could see where your trail could have junctioned onto 
 the Clarenden family." 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 323 
 
 " Son," sez I, " I m a store-house o knowledge, an* I m 
 about to open the flood-gates an pour it forth. How many 
 Alice LeMoynes did you ever happen to hear of ? " 
 
 " Only but the one," sez Bill. " It was a fake name prob 
 ably, an one was all they ever struck off that die. What 
 about her?" 
 
 " Oh, nothin much," sez I, " only a stray Englishman 
 happened to pull that name on us a while back, an I won 
 dered where he came into possession of it." 
 
 " You got somethin up your sleeve," sez Bill, who was 
 a mite too observin at times ; " what is it you want to 
 know?" 
 
 " Nothin at all," sez I ; " I know all I want to now." 
 
 "What kind of lookin feller was it?" sez Bill. 
 
 " Purty harmless," sez I ; " watery blue eyes, fair size, 
 purty good lookin , nice manners, book-talker, owns a little 
 ranch; oh, he won t set no important rivers on fire." 
 
 Bill studied awhile. " How old was he ? " sez he. 
 
 " Why, he s about my age, in years," sez I. 
 
 " It might be Richard if Lord James is still alive, Rich 
 ard is the heir apparent," sez Bill. " How long have you 
 known o this feller ? " 
 
 " Oh, this ain t Richard," sez I. " He ain t got epolepsy 
 nor insanity ; he s just stingy an stupid." 
 
 " How do you know he ain t got epolepsy ? " sez Bill. 
 
 " Cause he don t bark like a dog nor froth at the mouth, 
 nor he ain t afraid o water," sez I. 
 
 " You re thinkin o hydrophobia," sez Bill. " Epolepsy 
 is sort o fits." 
 
 " Well, by gum, he did have one fit ! " sez I. 
 
 "What kind?" sez Bill. 
 
 " Why, I worked a trick on him, an he stiffened out an* 
 
324 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 his eyes got set, an he was the sickenest lookin human I 
 ever met up with," sez I. 
 
 " That s it ! " sez Bill, " an you say he knew about Alice 
 LeMoyne?" 
 
 " That s what give him the fit," sez I. 
 
 " I bet it s Richard," sez Bill. " This will make a story 
 for me, an you can work things for the reward. Where 
 is he?" 
 
 " Say, you come along with me to the Diamond Dot," sez 
 I. " Things are goin to happen promiscuous up there after 
 a bit, an you don t want to miss it. Never mind about the 
 reward. I m goin to handle this affair just as if the was n t 
 such a thing on earth as the Clarenden family." 
 
 " You make me tired," sez Bill ; it allus was spurs to him 
 to cut him out of a secret. " You try to pertend at you re 
 nothin short of a world power; but I bet you re just 
 flim-flammin ." 
 
 " Nothin at Happy Hawkins d do would surprise me," 
 sez Jessamie. " Now that I ve seen him in a dress suit, 
 hob-nobbin with the bun-tong, I m prepared for anything." 
 She was a good feller all right. 
 
 Well, we chatted along a while, an they told me that they 
 wanted to see Frisco an the Yosemite Valley, an then would 
 head for Colonel Scott s, where it d be handy to drop over 
 to the Diamond Dot at any time. 
 
 " Well," sez I," " I 11 write you some letters of introduc 
 tion to a few o my friends here, an mebbe after you ve 
 seen Frisco, all you 11 want will be rest just plain, simple 
 rest ; less n your ruggeder built than me." 
 
 So sure enough I wrote em a parcel o letters, pickin 
 out about the most persistent spenders the town could show, 
 an it made me laugh when I pictured Bill tryin to lug home 
 
THE CREOLE BELLE 325 
 
 the list o stuff they d load him up with. I packed up for 
 the early train, an then as it was n t worth while to waste 
 the handful o minutes left o that night, I got back into my 
 workin togs an went out for one last Turkish bath. I m 
 mighty partial to Turkish baths, an I wanted to let em 
 know that I was perfectly sober at least one night o my 
 visit. 
 
 It was gray dawn when I came out o the buildin , an 
 even in Frisco that s a shivery period. In spite of me 
 holdin all the good cards in the deck, an knowin just about 
 how I was goin to play em, I was lonely an down-hearted 
 there in the dawning. All I wanted was Barbie s happiness, 
 an I was goin to give it to her full measure an nairy a 
 whimper; but if it could just have been my home-comin 
 instead of what I was goin to do, that would light up her 
 world for her, I reckon I could have floivn all the way back 
 to the Diamond Dot. 
 
 I turned a corner an came face to face on Piker. He was 
 lookin downcast an harried, an I bought him a drink. He 
 had told me where Jim was, an I did n t try to forget it. 
 I sat down an talked to him an tried to soften his crust an* 
 get him to agree to make a new try-out o life. 
 
 He finally got purty mellow an told me some o the steps 
 down which he had stumbled, an how slippery the d been 
 when he d tried to climb back. I confided to him a lot o my 
 own mishaps, an he got purty near up to the mourner s 
 bench, when all of a sudden he gets bitter. " You re just 
 like all the rest," sez he, " you make all kinds of allowance 
 for a good lookin , proud sort, like Silver Dick ; but a feller 
 like me you allus give the verdict again a feller like me, 
 an you know it." 
 
 " Dick ain t been no saint, I know," sez I ; " but at least 
 
326 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 he was out in the open, while I can t quite get over that 
 knee-gun you wore." 
 
 " Out in the open, was he ? " sez Piker, with a leer. 
 " Did n t he get to your ranch an try to land the daughter 
 o the boss an him a married man all the time ! " 
 
 I reached across the table an got him by the collar, jerked 
 him to me, an flopped him face up across the table. " You 
 lie," sez I. He shook his head, an I felt a cold streak hit 
 my heart. 
 
 I loosened up on him an let him set up, an he said at 
 Silver Dick was married to the woman at Laramie, an he 
 knew it. I tried to bluff him out of it, but he stuck to it, 
 finally sayin that I had him, an could finish him if I wanted 
 to ; but that it was the God s truth, an he d stick to it. 
 
 As I looked into his eyes I knew beyond a doubt that he 
 was dealin straight ; an as my plans toppled over an came 
 tumblin about me, I felt like walkin down to the dock an 
 endin it all. But this passed in a flash ; it was n t my turn 
 yet to think of myself. There was little Barbie with the 
 two serpents creepin toward her, an my place was at her 
 side till the fight was fairly won. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT 
 
 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 
 
 I HAD struck the Diamond Dot in a tol able wide variety o 
 moods ; but I never felt like I did the mornin I came back 
 to ditch Barbie s weddin . I knew at the chances were at 
 I d break her heart ; but I had only one course open, an 
 I did n t intend to waver. I had gone on through to Lar- 
 amie, an had found at Silver Dick s wife was still there, 
 livin her locked-in life. Then I came on back through 
 Danders to Webb Station, where I hired a feller to drive 
 me to within a mile o the ranch house. All he knew was 
 that the weddin was to come off in three weeks. 
 
 Jabez an Barbie was both glad to see me ; but I did n t 
 make much explanation for leavin without notice, an I 
 did n t tell all about my trip. Just told em about my ex 
 perience as a knight an on the boat an such. Barbie was 
 purty thin an a little under color; but her grit was still 
 keyed up to full tone. I had a good long talk with her that 
 very afternoon, tellin her that I had found out a lot o stuff 
 about the remnant she was thinkin o marryin , an tried to 
 get her to test him out an find out where he d come from 
 an what he was; but she seemed numb, an told me that 
 she would not think it friendly if I said anything evil against 
 the man she had to marry. I could n t understand her, she 
 did n t seem like the same old Barbie ; but the more I hinted 
 the more froze-up she got, so I dropped it. 
 
 Then I told her that I had found out that Dick was even 
 worse n this one ; an she opened up on me an we had a 
 
328 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 purty square-off talkin match. She would n t listen to me, 
 an she wouldn t pay any heed to my suggestions; an I 
 was consid able out of patience. I was afraid if I turned 
 her again Dick she might marry this Hawthorn thing, an 
 if I turned her again him too soon she might run off with 
 Dick on the rebound; so I was purty much hobbled, an 
 made a botch of it. Finally she turned on me. " We ve 
 been good pals, Happy," sez she, " an we 11 be good pals 
 again some day ; but you re not playin square now I 
 can tell by your actions. I almost believe at what you re 
 tryin to do is to " she stopped with her face red as fire. 
 
 " Well, say it," sez I. 
 
 " Is to marry me yourself," she blurted out. 
 
 I didn t say anything for a long time. I made every 
 allowance for her, an I knew at some one had threw it in 
 her face, cause this was n t one of her own brand o 
 thoughts ; but I m not all horn an bone, an when I saw 
 that she intended to go her own gait I made up my mind 
 that she d know at the end of the course that she might 
 have saved herself several hard bumps. 
 
 " Barbie," I sez, an at my voice she turned her face an* 
 looked a little frightened, " I ain t denyin that I d rather 
 marry you than be sure of gettin into Heaven ; but I want 
 you to remember one thing, an that is that if I ever do 
 marry you it will be because you ask me to yourself." 
 
 We rode side by side back to the ranch house, an her 
 head was n t held an inch higher than mine nor her lips shut 
 a grain tighter. I was willin to be used for a bumper ; but 
 I could n t stand everything even when I knew at she d 
 been hounded beyond endurance. From that on Barbie was 
 some cool to me ; but I was n t there for a vacation, I had a 
 duty to perform. 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 329 
 
 Poor little Barbie, she did n t act much like a bride elect. 
 Jabez wanted a weddin that would be the talk for years; 
 but Barbie said no, that she felt more like a widder than a 
 maid, an she did n t take much stock in turnin a second 
 weddin into a circus. I didn t say nothin . The ol man 
 did n t contrary her much them days, so he dropped the sub 
 ject; but he sent all the way to Frisco for a store-full o 
 fixin s an a couple o women to engineer the construction 
 of em. 
 
 A full week passed without me hearin from Dick, an 1 
 then I telegraphed to the Governor. I waited at Webb Sta 
 tion till I got the answer. He said at he had give Dick my 
 letter an that he had left two days before. That kept me on 
 edge, cause I wanted to see him when he first arrived ; so 
 I kept a couple o the boys watchin each road; but day 
 after day dragged around until I got desperate. For all I 
 knew Silver Dick had enough black blood in him to take 
 advantage of me an just fly his kite. He might have got 
 news from England too, an all in all I was agitated. 
 
 Two days before the ceremony was scheduled I gave him 
 up an made a run to Laramie. I was n t sure just what I 
 would do, but I was minded to get all the evidence I could. 
 I tried to get speech with Dick s wife, but she wouldn t 
 pay any heed to my knocks, an finally the lights in the 
 house went out. I scented trouble; so when a couple o 
 men pounced onto the place where I d just stood they found 
 me immejetly behind em, an I rapped em on the heads 
 before they could express a sound. I heard a noise at the 
 keyhole an I whispered in, " If you want to save the life o 
 Silver Dick, open the door." 
 
 I waited a minute an then the door opened an inch, but a 
 chain kept it from goin any wider. A woman s coarse 
 
330 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 voice sez, " What do ya want ? " I could n t believe that 
 this was the woman, so I sez, " I want to speak to the other 
 woman, an it s got to be done quick." 
 
 Presently a soft, gentle voice sez, " What is it? " 
 
 " Silver Dick is in the Texas penitentiary, sentenced to 
 be hanged for a murder committed there in April four years 
 ago. He 11 be hanged a week from to-morrow night if 
 some one don t make a plea for him. It takes a woman to 
 do such a job as this are you game? " 
 
 " Why, he could n t have done it," sez she. " He was 
 here all that spring." 
 
 " Are you willin to swear to it ? " sez I. 
 
 " Oh, I don t want to appear in public but of course 
 I will, if the ain t no other way." 
 
 " You won t have to if you 11 come with me to-night. 
 The Governor of Texas is up here on a huntin trip ; he 11 
 be at a party to-morrow night ; all you 11 need to do is to 
 wait in a room where I 11 hide you until he gets into a 
 meller mood I know him well an then I 11 bring him 
 to you an you make a plea for him. You can be his wife 
 or his mother or daughter or anything you wish." 
 
 " I 11 go," sez she, in a quiet tone, an I breathed free ; 
 an as soon as she opened the door I dragged the two men 
 inside. They were Greasers, the same as the old woman 
 what had first talked to me; an I turned em over to her 
 an took the woman with the soft voice down to the train 
 by a back street. She still wore a heavy veil, an I never 
 looked at her not right straight but I could see that she 
 walked with her feet an held her head on the top of her 
 neck ; so I was purty certain that if Dick did return an try 
 to finish the weddin as the star performer she d give us an 
 interestin exhibition. 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 331 
 
 Spider Kelley was at the station when I got off the train. 
 I turned the woman over to him, tellin him to bring her 
 out so as to arrive the evenin of the weddin , not to talk 
 to her, an not to let Dick see her should he chance to come 
 back that way; but to smuggle her into the office as soon 
 as preparations for the ceremony got started. I still half 
 looked for Dick, but I thought I had things blocked out, 
 no matter what turned up, an I flopped on my hoss an rode 
 him at about his best. 
 
 Everything around the house was whirlin with prepara 
 tion ; but Barbie was about the palest lookin bride at ever 
 got ready to toe the scratch, I reckon. The Hawthorn 
 critter had stayed over at his own ranch for the last week, 
 an Barbie would n t a had no search-warrant swore out if 
 he had sent over word that it looked so good to him that he 
 had decided to continue to remain there for a million years. 
 
 The guests had arrived plenty early, an whenever Barbie 
 would stumble on to a bunch of em she would head up an 
 get right rompy again. We had about a ton o stuff cooked, 
 cause we was tol able thoroughly experienced on the neigh 
 bors. Folks out our way ain t nowise uppity about such 
 matters. All you need to do is to hint that a little celebra 
 tion is goin to be pulled off an you can count on their pres 
 ence ; an if so be at you ve forgot anybody s invite, why 
 like as not they 11 hear about it anyway an be on hand in 
 plenty o time. The weddin was scheduled for Wednesday 
 evenin at eight thirty ; but by Sunday the house was full 
 an the grounds looked like an Injun camp-meetin . 
 
 Jabez intended to give Barbie the full penalty; none o 
 your squires for him, nothin but Friar Tuck, who was one 
 o these here Episcolopian preachers what sport a full regalia 
 an a book o tactics calculated to meet any complication a 
 
332 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 human bein is apt to veer into. Some say they re just 
 Roman Catholics, gone Republican, an some say that they re 
 the ones who started the first strike I don t know much 
 about it myself. 
 
 He had n t arrived by seven o clock, but we did n t worry 
 none; he might have had to come fifty miles, an he never 
 had any time to waste. 
 
 We d had a sort o light supper at four o clock, an it 
 was intended to have the weddin feast after the performance 
 was finished. It was just eight o clock when Friar Tuck 
 swung off his pony an as many of the crowd as could 
 gathered in the big dinin room an waited for the words 
 to be said. Spider Kelley came an told me that he had 
 locked the woman in the office, an that she was behavin her 
 self reasonable, so I knew at the finish was n t far off. The 
 tables an chairs had been taken out, the intention bein to 
 dance in the store-room after the ceremony, an while the 
 dancin was goin on to set the banquet in the dinin room. 
 Oh, it was all planned out like a theater show: Jabez had 
 a full orchestra too, three fiddlers, a guitarist, an a fifer; 
 an they begun to play solemn music, like they allus do at 
 a weddin . It s a toss-up which is the most touchin , a 
 weddin or a funeral, a feller s takin a mighty long shot 
 at either one. 
 
 The whole crowd was on edge, but myself was strained 
 to the breakin point. Just as the old clock struck the half 
 hour the orchestra pealed forth a march, an they all came 
 struttin in, slow an stately an top-heavy, accordin to the 
 city way. Jabez was in a brand-new suit o black store 
 clothes, an had a mighty proud look on his face; he was 
 wearin gloves too. Barbie was a-leanin on his arm, an she 
 was wearin a dress at would a made some o the queens 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 333 
 
 crane their necks a bit, I reckon. Hawthorn had his nerve 
 with him, an wore a low-necked vest an a droop-tailed coat. 
 I had my own rig like this hid away in the stallion stable; 
 so it did n t jar me none ; but some o the boys had a hard 
 time chokin back their grins. It was the first weddin I had 
 ever seen where the groom had n t wore a silk handkerchief 
 around his neck. 
 
 They all met in front o Friar Tuck, who was standin 
 under a tissha paper bell with about four miles o ribbon 
 tied to it. I could n t see Barbie s face on account o the 
 veil she was wearin ; but she held her head high, an I 
 knew she was ready to take all the jumps without balkin . 
 The Friar had one o these voices at never seem to say an 
 idle word, an the room got as still as though it was a trial 
 for life ; which ain t so mighty far off the mark, that bein 
 the usual sentence, an out our way we don t count it game 
 to get pardoned out for a new trial. 
 
 I was on pins an needles durin the openin , but Friar 
 Tuck boomed along until he arrived at the part where it sez : 
 "If any man knows just cause why this here couple should 
 not be joined together in holy wedlock let him make his 
 kick right now, or forever after hold his peace." The 
 room was as still as the grave, an I had just taken a full 
 breath, so that I could make a clean throw, when a deep 
 voice at the back of the room sez : " I think that I know a 
 cause. I don t believe the girl is doin this of her own free 
 will." 
 
 We all whirled around, an there stood Silver Dick. 
 Dusty he was an travel-stained ; but as he loomed up, 
 straight an tall, he certainly did look like a man. His beard 
 was gone, his face was pale with a sort of unnatural white 
 ness, an he was ganted down in weight a little; but all the 
 
334 H A P P Y H A W K I N S 
 
 same he put up a great front as he stood with his hands on 
 his hips, his head thrown back, an a grim smile on his face. 
 
 Quick as a flash the ol man, who had half expected this, 
 pulls a gun out of his pocket an drops it on Dick, while the 
 crowd politely splits apart to give em a fair show. Barbie 
 had settled back, an I caught her in my arms an held her 
 a moment ; but all the time my eyes were on Dick as though 
 I d been charmed. 
 
 Never in my life have I seen such a figger of a man as 
 him, as he stood there alone an unfriended. His hat was 
 tilted back a bit, an his short wavey hair rippled across his 
 forehead, his mustache had been shaved off and his lips some 
 how reminded me of the muzzle of a gun, they was that firm ; 
 while his eyes man, he had the greatest eyes in the world. 
 Blue steel they was, but never for a moment free from some 
 hidden fire. When he smiled they danced ; when he frowned 
 they blazed ; but to-night the was a new darin in em, a 
 confidence, a purpose, an a strength that defied Death 
 himself. 
 
 He had changed a heap since we d seen him last. His 
 face was as smooth as a woman s, his hands were white, 
 an his clothes looked like picture clothes out of a book. 
 He did n t speak for some time, an then he said : " Is your 
 gun broke, Mr. Judson, or do you think it would be only 
 the square thing to talk things over first ? I think I can in 
 terest you. I am not armed; perhaps you would be more 
 comfortable if you lowered your gun until you were ready 
 to shoot." 
 
 The was a sting in his slow, sarcastic tone, an a scowl 
 came over Jabez face; but he lowered his gun just the 
 same. I did n t want to soften any toward Dick so I had 
 to keep grittin my teeth as I watched him, cause blufBn a 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 335 
 
 man like Cast Steel, armed an ready, was a stirrin sight, an* 
 Dick looked as if he had the backin of an army. 
 
 " Mr. Judson," sez Dick, " when I left here your daughter 
 was promised to marry me, an I promised to write as 
 often as possible; but after I started in to clean up my 
 record I was denied the privilege of writin . I am here 
 now, with my record clean; the ain t no spot on this 
 earth where I don t feel free to go an now I claim her 
 hand." 
 
 " Claim her hand, do ya ? " sez Jabez, with a wicked leer. 
 "Well, you allus was better at claimin than at gettin . I 
 don t want to sadden my daughter s weddin night, but if 
 you ain t minded to go your way peaceable I 11 have to spoil 
 ya." 
 
 " Barbie," sez Dick, an his voice was meller as a flute, 
 " don t ya love me no more ? " 
 
 She raised her head an looked at him, but she could n t 
 speak, so she only nodded her head. 
 
 " Will ya marry me ? " sez Dick, an we all waited a long 
 time for the answer. 
 
 Once or twice she tried it, before her voice finally got 
 back to her. " Dick," she sez, " I waited for ya a long time, 
 an I never heard from you ; so I thought at you had either 
 forgot me or else you were were no longer living ; an 
 oh, Dick, you have no idee how hard it has been for me. 
 You can t imagine how often I refused, nor what a lonely 
 life I was forced to live; but I ve never ceased to love you, 
 an I allus told em so. Now I am half married to another 
 man ; an I don t see what we can do." 
 
 " Well, I see what we can do ! " blurts out Jabez, raisin 
 his gun again. " We can go right on with this ceremony. 
 You have give your word, an the word of a Judson is 
 
336 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 bindin . As for you, you sneakin card-sharp, I 11 give 
 you just ten to state your intentions." 
 
 Jabez started to count slow an steady with his left fore 
 finger, while he held his gun above his right shoulder ready 
 for the drop. His face was white an his eyes blazed like 
 live coals. The was no time to waste now ; Dick had a card 
 up his sleeve, an this was his chance to take the trick, or 
 he d spoil my own game. The room was so still it hurt 
 you to breathe. Somebody sneezed, an it sounded like a 
 boiler explosion. 
 
 " Judson," sez Dick, an he was smilin now ; but it was 
 the chillin smile I had first seen durin the card game. It 
 wasn t a pleasant smile. "Judson, I did not cheat durin 
 that game, an I never did cheat, although gamblin was my 
 business. You have become a fanatic on the subject o 
 truth; an I propose to tell you some. You are a bully; 
 you have bullied this girl in order to make her consent; 
 and you are a coward, a miserable coward. Any man afraid 
 of his own past is a coward ; and your past stands back of 
 you like a ghost, doggin your steps awake, an hauntin your 
 dreams sleep. You preach the truth; but your entire life 
 is one black " 
 
 " Stop ! " yells Jabez, holdin his hand over his heart, but 
 gettin the drop on Dick, although his face looked like the 
 face of a man long dead. " Say another word an a bullet 
 will drive it back through your teeth." 
 
 " All right," sez Dick, still smilin his cruel, hard smile ; 
 " but you have only counted up to five, an you gave me ten. 
 You re surely honest enough to stick to your own agree 
 ment. Begin to count now, while I start the tale about Jack 
 Whitman an the Creole Belle " 
 
 When Dick mentioned the name o Jack Whitman both o 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 337 
 
 Jabez arms fell to his side; an when Dick spoke o the 
 Creole Belle his legs shut together like a pocket knife; an 
 he crumpled down on a little padded bench they had fixed 
 up to kneel on. His face was gray, an his eyes had a scum 
 over em, while his mouth hung open like the mouth of a 
 man dyin of old age. Barbie gave a low, waverin call: 
 " Oh, what have you done, oh, Dick ! Daddy, Daddy ; 
 what s the matter, Dad ? " 
 
 She jumped to his side, an after tearin off her veil she 
 knelt at his feet; but he drew his hands feebly away, an 
 refused to touch her; while a look of sorrow sorrow an 
 pain an shame, swept across his old gray face, an his lips 
 trembled so at he could n t talk. 
 
 I glanced at Silver Dick ; he stood there with his lips set 
 tight, his eyes cold an hard, an I knew at he was ready 
 to make his kill, cost what it would. 
 
 " Oh, Daddy," pleaded Barbie, " don t look this way. Tell 
 me what it is all about. Don t turn away from me, Dad; 
 I don t care what it is, or whether it is true or false I am 
 ready to forgive you, an to love you. Look at me, Daddy, 
 I care more for you than for any one else in the whole 
 world. 
 
 " Yes," she sez, standin up an flashin a look into Dick s 
 eyes as fierce as they had ever shot themselves. " Yes, an 
 
 if you think to win me by strikin down my old Dad, why 
 
 we have both been mistaken, an I despise you ! " 
 
 Silver looked as though she had struck him in the face 
 with a whip ; the hot blood swept up to his hair, an then 
 left him ghastly white again ; while she put her hand on the 
 ol f man s shoulder an looked like an eagle protectin her 
 brood. I looked around for Hawthorn, who had become 
 entirely forgotten. Gee! how I envied him his chance just 
 
 22 
 
338 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 then; but there he stood, lookin like a white rabbit bein* 
 tried for murder. The girl looked at him too, gave him 
 one long scornful look; then she looked back at Silver, 
 standin all alone like the statue of a king; an then she 
 looked up at me. " Happy," she sez, " you never failed me 
 yet. Clear this room clear it of every one but just 
 ourselves." 
 
 " Clear the room," I yells. " Come, friends, this is the 
 time to step lively. You can go into the store-room an 
 dance if you want to, but the weddin has been postponed." 
 
 They filed out in good order, all except Dick, Friar Tuck, 
 an Hawthorn. Hawthorn stood leanin again the wall, 
 lookin at Dick as though he was seein a ghost. I tapped 
 him on the shoulder. " Git ! " I sez, " your number did n t 
 win nothin ." He gives a start, then down on the floor he 
 flops with his eyes turned in an his mouth frothin a little. 
 Friar Tuck straightened him out an began to rub his hands ; 
 an I turned to Dick. 
 
 " Now, it s your turn to go," I sez: " I d advise you to 
 go clear to England, where you 11 find good news." 
 
 He came toward me as if he did n t see me, an when he 
 reached me he said : " You better go along too, Happy. I 
 want to talk to them alone." 
 
 " Jim," I said, usin the old name, " I don t want to do 
 you harm. This game is up ; you d better go along 
 peaceable." 
 
 He looked at me a moment in surprise, an then his face 
 got haughty, an he put out his hand to push me aside. I 
 took him by the arm an swung him over against the wall. 
 At first he could n t seem to understand that I was in ear 
 nest, an then his hand shot to hip an breast; but he had 
 spoke the truth, he was n t armed. I had him covered, an 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 339 
 
 he sneered into my face without speakin . I walked over 
 an examined him, but he did n t have even a knife. I did n t 
 have the heart to drive him forth like a dog, so I sez, too low 
 for the rest to hear : " Jim, I know the double life you ve 
 been leadin ; but you can t break Barbie s heart. You re 
 a married man, an I know it." 
 
 " You lie," he sez, clear an cold. It was just the word 
 I needed. 
 
 I crossed the room an laid my gun on a chair, an then 
 I turned to him. " We re equal now," sez I. " The winner 
 gets the gun." 
 
 He wasn t as strong as I was, quite; an he was some 
 out o condition ; but he had had trainin more than me, an 
 for a few minutes he stood me off; an then as he struck 
 at me I grabbed his wrist, his left wrist, with my right 
 hand, shot it in close to his body, an clamped it behind his 
 back ; while I got his throat with my left. Slowly I brought 
 him to his knees, my fingers all the time workin deeper 
 into his throat, while his right kept jabbin me till it made 
 me grunt. No one tried to interfere at first; but when he 
 got too weak to strike, Barbie said sharply, " Happy Haw 
 kins, stop that at once ! " 
 
 " I 11 stop as soon as he promises to go without further 
 trouble," sez I. 
 
 She got up an came across the room to us like a flash, an 
 seized the wrist that held Jim s throat. " Let him alone, 
 Happy," she said fiercely. 
 
 I gave him a little push that sent him to the floor, an then 
 I picked up my gun. Jim rose to his feet; but the starch 
 was purty well taken out of him, an of course this touched 
 her heart, she bein a woman. " Are you hurt, Dick ? " she 
 sez sympathetic. 
 
340 HAPPY HAW KINS 
 
 " Yes, I m hurt," he snaps back, glarin at me ; " not at 
 what he s done, but at his lies." 
 
 " It s no lie," sez I. 
 
 "What was it?" asked Barbie of Jim. He didn t 
 answer for a minute, an when he did his voice shook; but 
 he looked into her eyes as he answered : " He said I was 
 married." 
 
 Barbie drew away with a sharp gasp an looked at him in 
 horror; then she looked at me with her face all drawn up 
 with anguish. " I tried to prepare you for this three weeks 
 ago, Barbie," I sez, " an you you know what you threw 
 in my face." 
 
 " Oh, Happy, Happy," she whispered, " it s not true, it s 
 not true say it s not true ! " 
 
 " It is true, Barbie," sez I, an she gave a scream. 
 
 " It is not true," sez Dick, an she glanced from one to 
 the other. 
 
 " I can prove it at once," sez I ; " she s here to-night." . 
 
 " Who? " asked Dick with a start. 
 
 " The wife you left in Laramie," sez I. 
 
 " Good God, you have n t brought her here, have you ! " 
 shouted Dick, an Barbie gave a queer, heart-broken little 
 laugh. " It s true, it s true," she sez. " You have con 
 victed yourself, and it s true. Happy," she went on 
 speakin to me, " of all the men I have ever known you 
 are the only one that has been always true to me. You said 
 that you would never marry me unless I asked you to 
 prove to me that this man is already married, an I 11 marry 
 you. I 11 get down on my knees an beg you to marry me. 
 The world seems full of wolves an I want a man I can 
 trust." 
 
 She was wild, an the look in her eyes frightened me ; but 
 
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 341 
 
 she came over an put her hand on my arm, an said: 
 " Prove it, prove it, an then let us go away together ! " 
 
 " She s out in the office," sez I. " Shall I bring her in 
 here?" 
 
 " No," sez Dick. " Happy, for heaven s sake don t do 
 anything hasty." 
 
 " Bring her in, bring her in at once ! " sez Barbie. " This 
 is my wedding-day, an my father wanted it to be the talk 
 of the whole state. Bring her in ! " 
 
 Just as I reached the door it opened, an the strange woman 
 came in with old Melisse, who was makin queer throaty 
 noises like a dog. Her veil was raised, an I stepped back 
 in surprise. She was an elderly woman with gray hair, 
 white at the temples, an dark yes that rested for a moment 
 on Dick, for a longer second on Barbie, an then stopped 
 when they met the starin eyes of ol Cast Steel, who had 
 staggered to his feet. 
 
 He stood there with his hands clutchin the side of his 
 head, an his lips movin rapidly, but not a sound comin 
 through em, an then his knees gave way beneath him, an* 
 Friar Tuck eased him back to the little padded bench. The 
 hands of the strange woman were clasped on her breast; 
 but even when the rest of us started for Jabez she didn t 
 move. 
 
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE 
 
 THE FINAL RECKONING 
 
 IT hurts me inside to see anything plumb beaten. I Ve 
 hunted a lot, an I m as keen on the trail as a terrier dog, 
 an durin the fight I don t have no disturbin shudders ; but 
 after I ve won an I see the light of joy an hope an free 
 dom fadin out of eyes that have been so bright an fearless, 
 the s allus somethin at swells inside o my breast an makes 
 me half sorry at all fights can t end in a draw. The s one 
 kind of nature which I never yet was able to figger out, an 
 that s the nature that can rub it in on a fallen foe. 
 
 Poor old Jabez, I d judged him an I d judged him harsh ; 
 but when I saw him go to pieces there on the padded bench 
 I just seemed to go to pieces with him. When I saw the 
 strength leave him like the steam from an engine as the 
 flood reaches its fire-box ; when I saw the hands that thought 
 they was strong enough to shape the future danglin between 
 his crooked knees, an the eyes that had never before asked 
 mercy lookin up glazed an pitiful, why, it felt to me as if 
 I was just tryin to send the strength out of my own body 
 into his. Poor ol Jabez, he was cast steel to the finish, no 
 spring, just simply rigid an stiff, till at last he broke. 
 
 But runnin the universe is no job for a human; every 
 man would choose to look his best when he s to meet the 
 one woman ; but if Jabez had still been standin like a rock 
 an lookin out at the world through eagle-eyes the woman 
 at the door would n t never have spoke to him. When she 
 saw him tired an broken an heart-sick of life itself, the 
 
THE FINAL RECKONING 343 
 
 mother in her finally tore out all the wrongs o the past, an 
 she crossed the room an took one of his hands an said, 
 " George, you must n t give up, you must n t give up now." 
 
 Barbie was holdin his other hand, an the ol man looked 
 first from one to the other while big tears gathered in his 
 open eyes an rolled slowly down his cheeks. I tell you it 
 was a touchy sight, an I was sweatin like a fish when ol 
 Friar Tuck tip-toed over an put one hand on my shoulder 
 an the other on Jim s, an said : " They 11 get along better 
 without us, boys. Let s just step outside till they call us." 
 
 Oh, I tell you that Friar Tuck was a sky-pilot for true! 
 We sneaked stealthily to the door, passin ol Melisse on the 
 way. She was huddled up on the floor prayin in Spanish, 
 an Friar Tuck rested his hand on her head a second, an 
 then we went out into the night air I can taste my first 
 breath of it yet. 
 
 He went over to see how the crowd was doin in the store 
 room, sayin that he thought he d get some eatin -things 
 under way to sort of ease the strain he knew a human 
 all right, the Friar did. Jim an I walked out together 
 under the stars, an I told him my side of it; an he told 
 me that he had met Jack Whitman when he was runnin a 
 gamblin place close to the New Mexico line. Whitman 
 ran it on the square an he had saved Jim a lot o money 
 one night, an then afterwards Jim had helped to stand off 
 a hold-up gang, an a strong feelin had grew up between 
 em. Whitman had told part of the story, but made out that 
 Barbie s mother was his own sister. When she had left 
 Jabez an the child I don t know, myself, just why she 
 left him. It started when she found out how he had lied to 
 Whitman an mighty near killed him ; but just all that hap 
 pened, before she burned out her brand and skipped, I don t 
 
344 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 know to this day, but they was both purty high-headed an 
 nervy in their youth, an I ve often suspected that Jabez con 
 science did n t get to workin smooth until after he was left 
 alone with the child on his hands. It sometimes happens 
 that way. 
 
 Well, anyhow, when she had left him she had gone to the 
 southern part of California, where she d got a job teachin 
 school. Whitman had located her, an when her health gave 
 out he had sent her money without lettin her know where 
 it came from. Whitman had follered minin till his wife 
 died, an then he got to speculatin in stocks, finally gettin 
 cleaned out full an proper, an then he started to gamblin 
 in earnest. It was from him that Jim had picked up most 
 of his idees about business an gamblin . When Whitman 
 himself had died he had turned Barbie s mother over to 
 Jim. 
 
 She was livin on a ranch in northern Colorado at this 
 time, on account of her health. When Jim got cleaned out 
 by the cattle crowd, an opened his joint in Laramie, he 
 brought her over to keep house an be company for him. He 
 pertended to be the son of a wild uncle she d had, an he 
 fixed up a believable tale to go with it. All the while he d 
 been at the Diamond Dot he had supposed that she was 
 Whitman s sister she went by her maiden name of Miss 
 Garrison, an she had never told him her full story, simply 
 hintin enough at times to let him know that she had gone 
 through the mill. 
 
 He had never pieced things together until I had sent him 
 my letter, an then he guessed how it was, an puttin what 
 I told him onto what she an Whitman had told him, he saw 
 it all. He didn t know what had made her leave Judson, 
 or rather Jordan; but he said he was positive it was his 
 
THE FINAL RECKONING 345 
 
 fault, as she was some the finest woman he had ever met, 
 exceptin of course her own daughter. 
 
 We talked it all over there in the starlight, until ol 
 Melisse came an called us in. I did n t want to go ; I was 
 tryin to cut myself out of the game entirely an forget that 
 I even existed ; for the was a cry in my heart that would n t 
 hush, an I wanted to be alone; but when Jim insisted I 
 braced up an went in. 
 
 O1 J Jabez looked a heap better, but still shaky; his wife 
 had a tender half sad smile on her face, while Barbie was 
 radiant with the joy she had waited for so long: she had 
 kept her father, she had found her mother, an she was 
 about to meet her lover. I saw the Sioux Injuns doin the 
 dance once, where they tie thongs through their breast 
 muscles an circle around a pole. Every now an again 
 they d fling back their full weight on the thongs, an their 
 faces would light with savage joy. That was the kind of 
 joy I felt when I saw Barbie s face. 
 
 Her mother smiled into Jim s eyes when he came in, an 
 Jabez stood up an held out his hand. " Do you want to 
 marry her ? " he said. 
 
 " That s the only wish I have," sez Jim. 
 
 " Then she s yours, an I thank God she s got a true 
 man," sez Jabez, puttin Barbie s hand into Jim s. I turned 
 my face away. 
 
 The first thing I knew I felt a hand on my shoulder an 
 another hand takin hold of mine. I turned an looked down 
 into Barbie s face, but I could n t bear the light in her eyes. 
 I turned my face away again an my lips were tremblin , 
 the blasted traitors. 
 
 But she turned me around until my eyes looked down into 
 hers, an they were swimmin in tears. Her little soft hand 
 
346 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 clasped my big rough one, tight an warm, an her voice was 
 husky as she whispered, " You you won t care much, will 
 you, Happy ? " 
 
 " No, Barbie," I sez between my set teeth, " not much " ; 
 an by God, I smiled. 
 
 " An , Happy," she went on, " my home will allus be your 
 home, an anything that is mine is yours ; but my heart ain t 
 mine, ol pal ; an so an so we can t help it." 
 
 " No," I sez, an I was back in the saddle again this time. 
 " No, little gel, we can t help it ; but we can allus make 
 the best of it ; so I vote that we don t disappoint the crowd ; 
 but go on an have a weddin ." 
 
 She backed away from me a little, while her face took 
 the color of a rose, an her eyes went to the floor ; an then 
 I turned to Jabez an said : " Jabez, I ve took a mighty 
 sight off you in my time without ever puttin up one little 
 squeal; but if you send this gang away to-night without 
 a weddin , why, I quit you for good." 
 
 The was all so wrought up that I was about the steadiest 
 in the room; an in about two minutes I had em lined up, 
 an* the crowd back in place an Friar Tuck in full regi 
 mentals under the tissha paper bell. 
 
 Before we could begin, however, Jabez mounted on a 
 chair an said in a new, soft voice : " Friends, in all my life 
 I never told but one black lie. I may have spoken falsely 
 through ignorance, or to spare sorrow to my child; but I 
 never fought through the temptation but once, an got 
 whipped by it. I told one black lie, an it was the blackest 
 one ever told, I reckon. It brought me my money an my 
 wife; an my load of shame an sin an contempt. It lost 
 me the best friend I ever had, an it led to my losin my 
 wife for most o my journey. All my life I ve tried to live 
 
THE FINAL RECKONING 347 
 
 down that lie an to fill every man I met with a reverence for 
 the truth, an that s what makes me so blame ashamed of 
 the way I ve treated Dick. I ought to have seen quicker n 
 anybody else the kind of a fight he was a-makin , an pitched 
 in an helped him instead of findin him guilty on the first 
 suspicion, an tryin to make his life as sour as mine has 
 been. But " here Jabez put his arm about Barbie s shoul 
 der, an looked down on her a moment " it was all on 
 account o this little girl." 
 
 Then we all gave a cheer an Friar Tuck tied the knot, 
 after which every one opened the sluice-gates o their hearts 
 an let the sociability gush forth in a torrent. I stuck around 
 until the dancin begun, an then I flopped myself on a hoss 
 an rode, an rode, an rode. The air was cool an crisp as 
 it swept over my face ; but it was a long time before it took 
 the fever out of my blood. Finally I circled back to ol 
 Monody s grave an got off an sat there till the sun came 
 up, fresh an strong. Ol Monody had taken the burden at 
 had been handed to him, an had borne it along to a mighty 
 fine finish ; an it made me ashamed of myself, so I got to 
 my feet, gave myself a shake, an rode back to the ranch 
 house. 
 
CHAPTER THIRTY 
 
 THE AFTERGLOW 
 
 I DID N T look for anybody to be about that early after the 
 night that outfit had put in ; but just before I reached the 
 corral I saw Barbie an Jim ridin slowly toward the stable. 
 They was ridin close together an lookin into each other s 
 eyes, an I m glad to say that even that soon I felt nothin 
 but joy in the sight. A little farther on I spied Jabez an 
 his wife standin on a knoll, lookin at the sunshine, an 
 before I reached the house I saw two others swingin up the 
 trail on a lope. In a minute I made out Bill Hammersly an 
 Jessamie. For just one second I did feel a little bit out o 
 the world; but by the time they rode up I was able to 
 welcome em with a joke. 
 
 " We lost our way," sez Bill. " Is it too late? " 
 
 " It s never too late," sez I. " But I m right down 
 sorry that you did n t arrive last evenin . We had about as 
 stirrin a weddin here as ever you see." 
 
 " Who was it that Barbie married ? " asked Jessamie. 
 
 Just then Jim an Barbie came around the corner o the 
 house, an I sez : " Mr. an Mrs. Bill Hammersly, allow me 
 to make you introduced to the Earl o Clarenden an his 
 bride." 
 
 They was totally devoid of remarks for some time. Jim 
 was the first to speak, an he seemed a trifle put out. " What 
 do you mean by such nonsense, Happy?" sez he. Then 
 they all looked at him on account of him usin the tone he. 
 had. 
 
THE AFTERGLOW 349 
 
 I turned to Barbie an sez easily : " I was tellin Bill down 
 at Frisco about a month ago that I rather doubted if Jim 
 here would take the job; but if so be that he wants it, it s 
 open for him. If not, that Hawthorn thing has the next 
 chance." 
 
 I stepped back a few paces after this an let em talk it 
 out. Jim was the most flabbergasted of any, Barbie looked 
 a little bit frightened ; but Jessamie sez : " If Happy 
 Hawkns sez at you re the Earl of Clarenden, why you 
 might as well give up. He has inside information on every 
 given subject, an things don t never happen until he s 
 had his finger in it somewhere." Jessamie allus was a 
 good feller. 
 
 An that s the way it turned out. Jim an Barbie went 
 back to Clarenden on their honeymoon, an Barbie s taken 
 the lead over there the same as she d do anywhere. I stayed 
 right at the Diamond Dot cause Jabez didn t seem able to 
 get along without me; an I hit work harder than ever. 
 Now I oversee the Diamond Dot, Jim s place down in the 
 Pan Handle, which is full stocked an runnin easy with the 
 ex-governor s backin , an also the ol Colonel Scott ranch 
 which Bill and Jessamie fell heir to. 
 
 Jim an Barbie an the children come back every summer ; 
 Bill an Jessamie an their outfit hop in on me most any 
 time, Ches an his bunch drop in for a week or so now an* 
 again, an if I ever do get lonesome I just sneak my full- 
 dress uniform out o the hay an go down to Frisco for a 
 little easin off o the guy-ropes. Oh, I have n t had to peti 
 tion to congress to have my name changed ; I m Happy. 
 I m happier than any human ever had a right to be, an life 
 never drags none at least not in the daytimes. The s 
 dozens o boys named after me, an only the recordin angel 
 
350 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 knows how many dogs an ponies. Take it at a big gath 
 ering an if any one yells, " Happy, you rascal, get out o* 
 here," why the s a general stampede. 
 
 Barbie s allus extra kind to me, as if she still felt that 
 the was somethin left for me to forgive her ; but my good 
 ness, the ain t a thing. It was n t her fault she could n t 
 never have loved me not in the only way I wanted her to. 
 And it ain t my fault I could n t help but love her, an 
 the was only one way that I could love her, an that was 
 world without end. I m not sorry I loved her ; why, the 
 ain t nothin in life I d take for this love of mine and it 
 is mine. The ain t nothin can ever take it away from me, 
 the ain t nothin can ever put a limit to it ; an though it has 
 burned in my heart like fire, I reckon the worst it has ever 
 done was to burn up the natural-born evil I started out 
 with. I ain t mean-hearted nor jealous I can t even 
 understand it. 
 
 I can easy see how a feller would kill a man for ill-treatin 
 the woman he loved; but I can t see how he could marry 
 a girl who did n t love him with all her heart. An Jim, 
 he s been square. They re happy, an I stand afar off 
 watchin em ; an some way when I m out in the star 
 light when it seems that I ain t lyin on the earth at all, 
 but floatin slow an easy like an eagle restin on his wings 
 I seem to share in their love, an* I don t seem to grow 
 old. 
 
 I don t reckon I ever will grow old, cause love is love 
 is some way my love is like the starlight itself; an the 
 starlight don t scorch an weaken an pester like the sun; 
 it soothes an softens an lifts a man up where it s calm an 
 steady and and pure. 
 
 The longer I live the fonder I grow o the stars. It don t 
 
THE AFTERGLOW 351 
 
 take as much sleep for me now as it used to, an I never was 
 dopey ; so the s mighty few nights at I don t have a little 
 visit with em. I know now at they keep whirlin an cir- 
 clin away up there; but they never deceive a body. You 
 can allus keep track of em, an when the seasons change 
 an you can t see em for a while, you know at they re 
 tendin to their duties just the same; an somehow it kind 
 o holds a man to the trail when the trail is gettin rougher 
 than he thinks he can stand. 
 
 I ve got a heap o friends, men an women of all kinds ; 
 an when they come to me ragin an bitter, I just take em 
 out an show em the stars ; tell em the ones who are about 
 to go on a long journey, but who will come back again when 
 they re due, an not a minute late. The s something about 
 the stars at allus seems to take the wickedness out of a 
 human. I Ve had em come to me men an women both 
 - with murder in their hearts ; but after we ve visited a 
 while with the stars they either sigh or sob but they allus 
 go away clean an rested. 
 
 It s a funny notion; but sometimes I feel like as if I d 
 like to be a star myself; away up above the worry an 
 selfishness of the world, an helpin to bring peace an 
 content to those who look up to me. It s a funny 
 notion especially for a feller what s follered the trail I 
 have. 
 
 Me an the preachers lock horns purty often ; but they re 
 all right, most of em, when you treat em like humans an 
 make em play fair. One of em happened out here on a 
 visit, to sort o rest up, an he called me some kind of a 
 Persian name an read me a little book called The Other 
 Wise Man. I reckon I know that book, all except the big 
 names, by heart; an if one of my stars would ever cut 
 
352 HAPPY HAWKINS 
 
 out o the herd an go off, slow an stately on a new trail, 
 why I d f oiler that star God knows I d foller; an 
 I wouldn t let on to no one else except you but, way 
 down, deep in my heart, I m hopin that sometime I 11 get 
 the chance. 
 
 THE END 
 
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