THIS PRESENTATION EDITION, FIRST IMPRESSIONS, LARGE PAPER, EXTRA QUALITY. UNCUT, IS LIMITED TO 1000 COPIES, OP WHICH THIS IS No. 7 "#. A MEMBER OF THE CLUB, IN ANTISEPTIC GARB, USING HIS ATOMIZER. TRANSACTIONS or THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB REPORTED BY ALBERT ABRAMS A MEMBER OF THE SAN FRANCISCO MEDICAL PROFESSK)N ILLUSTRATED ^ » s • '• • • > »«' 1 NEW YORK E. B. TREAT & COMPANY 241-245 WEST TWENTY-THIRD STREET 1902 C/U^a f -n^t^ . L^'l ^ j Copyright, < « . gy E B. TREAT & COMPANY, New York. • * » ■ > • • t •■ C URL Or//^75^g(( " There are men and classes of men that stand above tJie common herd : the soldier, sailor, and the shepherd not tmfrequetithj, the artist rarely ; rarer still the clergijmdn ; the physician cdmost as a ride. He is the flower {such as it is) of our civilization; and when that stage of man is done with, and only to he marveled at in history, he will he thought to have shared as little as any in the defects of the period, and most notahly exhihited the virtues of the race. Generosity he had, such as is possihle to those who practice an art, never to those who drive a trade; discretion tested hy a hundred secrets ; tact tried in a thousand cmharrassmcnts ; and, u'hat is more important, Herculean cheerful- ness and courage. So it is tJiat lie brings air and cheer into the sick-room, and often enough, though not so often as he wishes, brings healing.''^ KoBEKT Louis Stevenson. if '50485 INTEODUOTIOK I HAVE assumed the editorship of the "Anti- septic Club " transactions at the earnest soUcita- tion of the president, Dr. Sartorius. When I confessed' to that mental hypertrophy, my ap- prehension of adverse criticism which the pub- lication of the transactions might engender, he significantly tapped his hydrocephalic head and eliminated the folloAving observations: "Criti- cism of medical works is usually gauged l)y two factors — the status of the digestive apparatus and the conceit of the reviewer. The hitter accom- modates his review to stereotyped iiietliods of expression, which embrace such inane generali- ties as: 'This book has supplied a, long-felt want;' 'It is replete with interesting reading;' 'No physician should be without it; ' 'It is use- ful alike to bolii pliysician and student;' etc. 7 8 J^^TROnuCTION. Adverse criticism is specific, and is positive evi- dence that the transactions have been read; and If they prove to be absurd, they will subserve the useful purpose, by mere analogy, of creatine? appreciation for good reading-matter. I win «ay," continued Dr. Sartorius, as he proceeded to remove a comedo from his dexter cheek, that the transactions of the ' club ' mav be non- sensical, but remember, my adolescent friend, that a httle nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.' » I will depart from the con- ventionalism of preface-writing. I ,.^,«rf a^ transactions as embodying a prodigious misuse of mk and a perverse and limited employment of mtellect. Tlie foregoing observation will be apparent at once to tlie intrepid reader. This book can be handled with impunity. It has an antiseptic binding, the leaves have been thor- oughly lodoformized, and the printers' ink ren- dered sterile. If the transactions supply "the long-felt want," the editor will be amply com- pensated—by the publisher. 41T r, = '^^^ Editok. Ml Gbaby .Street, Sak Francisco, Caj,. NOTE. The seemingly perverted use of medicated pulp aud earbolized ink is not always abortive of beneficial results. Truth is often a nauseous pill to swallow ; here it has the sugar-coating of humor flavored with unalloyed sarcasm. In the transactions of the Antisei)ti(; Club the thought- ful physician will find much to awaken his cu- riosity and interest; from tlif organization of the club, the various papers read and discussed, the testimonials considered, the cases submitted, the hypoderm, cind iinally t\n) dental clinic at its rooms, all will be found redundant with effervescent exuljerance. (Jliai'les Land) says, "A laugli is worth a liiiii(h'ed groans in any market." Here a hundred laughs may be pro- voked to animate tlu; muschis of mirth, atrophied IVoni the disuse incihysician who neglects to approach the physical symptoms through the mind will find the practice of medicine a sorry task." " Disease," he argued, " was a conscious knowledge of functions." When a person be- came subjectively aware of the existence of an organ, that person became a pathological entity. Consciousness directed to a diseased organ would increase its functional activity and retard the reparative power of nature. Dr. fSartorius was president of the Antiseptic Club, an organization composed of some of the progressive members of tlie medical profession. Homeopaths were admitted to membership, with till' Iir)[»c tliat association willi iii(>ml)ers of llic iv'gular profession would wean them from irra- 22 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. tioual dogmas which had preserved their pris- tine state for nearly one hundred years, unsullied by the progress of science. The creation of the Antiseptic Club wsiS an evolution of the erudite mind of Dr. Sartorius at a time when the doc- trines of Lister were first promulgated. As a pioneer proselyte of the Listerian doctrines he manifested his willingness to adopt any origi- nal method of treatment founded on inductive reasoning and supplemented by accurate ex- perimentation. His antiseptic pedantry was evidenced in formulating the requirements ne- cessary for membership in the Antiseptic Club. Only a few of the requirements can be cited. Many of the exactions appeared facetious, but they were all based on the conservative princi- ples of asepsis. All members had to l)atlie daily in antiseptic solutions. Preference was accorded to carbolic acid, although the selection of the antiseptic was left to the discretion of the bather, provided he bathed. The body was afterward dried by ster- ilized towels. Before immersion in the bath the physician was compelled to remain in a ster-" sterilizer for two or more hours, to insure absc OEGAXIZATION OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 23 lute destruction of the germs and to avoid con- tamination of the bathing-fiuid. One member petitioned for a revocation of the latter exaction. He had had a call from a patient while engaged in autosterilization, and by the time he was ster- ilized the patient had recovered. All members were compelled to renounce hand- shaking and kissing as modes of salutation, al- though the osculatory act was permissible pro- vided an antiseptic mouth-wash was previously used. The latter clause was extemporized for the convenience of one member who was engaged to be married. The clothing worn by the members was made of borated cotton lined with oiled silk. Sesamoid bones were used as buttons, while the Inittonholes w^ere constructed of sterilized air. To render the ])athogenic organisms of the intes- tines innocuons, intestinal antiseptics were em- jjloyed daily. Their administration, however, had to be preceded by lavage of the stomach. Each mom1)or wns compelled to carry a small atomizer containing a solution of sublimate, which was employed Avhenever a disagreeable odor was dtstected. Dr. liectus Femoris was ar- raigned because it was renuu'kcd that he never 24 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. used liis atomizer; but when it was learned that he was employed as a health inspector this fact served as an adequate excuse for his supposed delinquency. On every meeting-night of the Antiseptic Club six large steam-atomizers were in constant oper- ation atomizing solutions of corrosive sul)li- mate. The strength of the solution was, of course, regulated by law, six being the legalized percentage. For two weeks after attendance on the meetings the members suffered from mercu- rial intoxication, which fact necessitated monthly meetings of the club, to enable the members to recover fully. It may be remarked incidentally that Dr. Plantaris, who had been inoculated with syphilis, made application for memljership with a view of taking mercurial treatment while in attendance on the meetings. Some of the more zealous members were wont to use atropine for checking the secretions of the skin, claiming, as they did, that perspiration offered a favorable culture-field for microbes. Other members wore masks over the mouth for the j:>urpose of filtering the air, and as the}^ walked along the tlioroughfares of the city they OliiiANIZAriOX OF THE tyTlsK/'TIC CLUB. 25 attracted much attention, wliieli fact saved them the expense of advertising. It was at the suggestion of Dr. Adductor Mag- nus, who was a victim of premature alopecia, and Dr. Adductor Longus, who suffered from hirsute sterility, that all the members of the club dispensed with hair on the face and head. The reasons for dispensing with all hirsute culture were rational. First, the hair served as a repos- itory for germs. Second, as all inembers were supposed to possess clear consciences aside from professional reminiscences, there was no neces- sity for secreting the face behind a lot of un- gainly vegetation. "The face," Dr. Sartorius sententionsly remarked, " is a mirror of the soul ; and any man who is ashamed of his soul should be most cart-fid in cultivating a large beard." He is known to have observed that a prominent physical diffcM-ence between civilized and unciv- ilized man is the ability of the former to culti- vate a beard — a fact which he attributed to the scarcity of barbers among the savages. He ob- served the abundance of barbers among civilized nations, bnt lliis was tli(^ jx^nalty imposed on civilizal ion for being civilizcil. 26 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. The Antiseptic Club had coudemned the fiii- ger-uails as abettors of sepsis, and the club had appointed an official known as the " Opponent of Nails," whose duty it was to remove perma- nently the finger-nails of the members by means of an instrument called the " Nailotome." Desirous of experimenting with a new chalyb- eate in sublimate anemia, I made application for membership in the Antiseptic Club, in accor- dance with this wish. The balloting was done by white and black balls composed respectively of naphthaline and aristol. When an applicant was elected he was said to have been naphtha- linized; and conversely, he was aristolized. In due time I received an envelope redolent with carbolic acid and securely wrapped in antiseptic dressings. On removing the latter I found a large gelatine plate, on which I read an inscrip- tion of greenish iridescence. On first appearance the inscription looked illegible enough to be mis- taken for a prescription ; but on more careful ex- amination it proved to be a culture growth of the BacUJus pyocyaneus., so sowed as to conform with the cha racters of ordinary writing. It was a notice of election to membership in the Antiseptic Club. II, A MEETING OP THE ANTISEPTIC^ CLUB. 27 F disinterested- ness were made a requirement for papers read before medical societies, how few papers would be read! how interesting they would be ! If the discus- sions thereon were limited to originality of statement, there would be no per- verse application of wind, and nervous prostra- tion of the auditory sense would be an obsolete complaint to the auditors. 28 CHAPTER It. A MEETING OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. AVING arrayed myself in a suit of borated cotton — the official garb of the club — and after fulfilling all the other require- ments for membership, I started out one evening to {ittend a meeting of the Antisej^tic Clul). The building which was used exclusivel}'' by the chib was designed by our fat member, Dr. Vastus Exteruus, al)ly assisted by our member with tlie dilated stomach. Dr. Vastus Interims. The lat- ter claimed to be a self-made man, and it may be remarked parenthetically that ho adored his IMaker. The walls of the club building were constructed of a material composed of zinc and asl)estos, a composition whi(,'li allowed the building to bo 29 30 THE AKTISISPTIC CLUB. fired montlily to render it germ-proof. The fa- cade presented some exqnisite carvings in wood of the abdominal viscera, the chef cVmuvre being a statue of ^sculapius conducting artificial res- piration on a snake which had become asphyxi- ated. At the entrance to the building were four massive columns made of columnar epithelium, with skulls for caf)itals, and resting on pedestals resembling pelves. Over the entrance to the building were the words : THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. WE DEFY INFECTION. The interior of the building was partitioned by nasal septa ingeniously cemented together by antiseptic glue and padded on either side by layers of salicylated cotton and antiseptic gauze The floors were lined with tessellated ei^ithelium. The walls were inlaid with a large number of vesical and biliary calculi, while the ceilings were frescoed by means of bacillary cultures, and tinted with the products of chromogenic mi- crobes. Pendent from the ceiling were a num- ber of hanging drops containing phosphorescent bacilli, which furnished the illumination. H i: O o o ts a o H a 3 n if 7I" ^ 1^ 1 A MEETING OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 33 The president, Dr. Sartoi'ius, occupied the chair, which was shaped like a cholera bacillus ; and by means of a gavel which resembled a tubercle bacillus in the throes of dissolution he called the meeting to order. He announced for the benefit of myself, the new member,, that, inasmuch fis the members of the clul> were hu- moral jDathologists, only papers and discussions on the humors of the body were allowed. The secretary next read the following communica- tion : "The Purgative Trust Company respectfully invites the members of the Antiseptic Club to be present to-morrow evening at a purgative con- test to be held at 'The Purgatorium.' As is well known, a rivalry has long existed between tlie 'Through by Daylight' and the 'Rapid Ti'ansit' pill companies, relative to the rn]>i(lity of action of their respectix'e prodiicts. The ques- tion of superiority will bo tested on two notori- ously constipated individuals who have been specially prepared for the occasion, and the lliri-- apeutic contest in-omiscs fo be not only interest- ing, })ut of great scientific iin])ortance." The invitation was accc[)[ed. 34 i'ir^ ANTISEPTIC CLVn. Dr. Rectus Femoris read a synopsis of a paper on " The Employment of Static Electricity in the Treatment of Disease." He referred in de- tail to his valuable apparatus, and did not forget to mention that it was the most expensive one of its kind in the city. He inadvertently remarked that it was heavily nickel-plated and was greatly admired by his patients. He had treated two thousand cases of nervous disease, with absolute cure in every instance. It was an invaluable apparatus, and he would not be without it. Dr. Compressor Nasi presented the following report of three hundred cases treated by him with static electricity: Experiment No. 1. Cost of apparatus $25.00 Number of cases treated 100 Result: cure in every case wdien treatment was discontinued. JExperiment No. 2. Cost of apparatus $1000.00 Number of cases treated 100 Result : cure in one hundred cases. A MEETIMi OF THE AMlsKl'TtC (LVIi. 35 Experiment No. 3. Cost of apparatus ^1000.00 Number of eases treated at a blind asylum 100 Eesult: cure in every ease when treatment was discontinued. He recommended, in concluding his report, that the remedial value of new apparatus should only, then, be positively established after treat- ing a definite number of blind individuals, on whom the magnificence of an apparatus could have no influence. The paper of the evening- was by Dr. Latissi- mus Dorsi, and the subject " T3'i)hoid Fever." Dr. Dorsi prided himself on his methodical ha- bits, and when his name was called ho arose slow- ly from his chair and with studied (IcHhci-alion ascended the rostrum. After consult iiig his pe- doTiietcr nnd myograph, .'iixl after assuring him- self that his hx'omotioii luid not 1 ii loo r;ii»id iioi" his ('X))('iidi1iir(,' of iimsculai" foivc joo great, lie seemed prepared 1o i-ead his paper; bnl he- fore so doing he atomized liis tln-oat, i< 'arranged 36 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. liis aristolized neckwear, and took a drink from a flask coiis2;)icnou.sly labeled sterilized watek. He defined tyiDlioid fever as a very interesting disease when observed in some other person. It was an affection which did not respect sex and consequently attacked men as often as it did women. There was an eminent German physi- cian who claimed that the disease was more prev- alent when the ground-water was low. While he did not care to contradict so eminent an author- ity, he nevertheless argued that this savant was laboring in the interests of some water monop- oly. He deplored the avariciousuess of some scientists, who knew that medicine was an elas- tic art, with a surfeit of theorists and theories. It could be stretched to accommodate any mo- tive ; it mattered little whether it was stretched for the accommodation of a water or patent- medicine moiioi)oly, or was used by the econom- ical proprietor of a bath-house, who justified his motive in discountenancing the use of soap by cpiotiug many leading authorities, whose num- ber would be limitless were it not for the expense of printing their names. The germ of ty])lioid fever next engaged his A MLETIMi or THE JMISKPTIC VLUB. 37 attention. Out of respect to the Germans, Avho had done so much toward elevating the Jiioral tone of microbes, the latter were called " irerms." a term which certainly needed revision when ap- plied to microbes of French extraction. Of all the inhabitants of the microcosm the bacillus of typhoid fever was one of the most interesting-. It was very short, inclined to obesity, and suf- fered from anosmia. It was fortunate that it did, when the habitat of the organism was taken into consideration. It succumbed readily to dyspepsia, which explained why no indigestible substances were allowed to be eaten by typhoid patients. They also died from cerebrospinal meningitis and neurasthenia. When typlK)id fever attacked an alcoholic subject an intestine war took place between the subject and the in- vading army of gc^'ms, the war usually ending in favor of the germs, which aptly illustrated the Darwinian axiom of "the survival of tlie fittest." If the subject were a dressmaker not addicted to alcohol it was usu.-illy ;i, survival of the "Miss fittest." The germs of 1 v))h<>io THE jyTlSEl'TlL: CLLB. •JO development of the disease iu tlie sleeping-cars of our railroads and in the cabins of our trans- atlantic steamers. The bacilli died rapidly in ordinary drinkhi g- water ; hence the advantage of drinking only milk dnrhig an epidemic of typhoid fever. That the germs were not de- stroyed by heat illustrated the danger of drink- ing the ice-water of onr hotels. The contagion could be conveyed by the infant as well as the adult, which demonstrated the very interesting fact that physical strength was not necessary in its conveyance. The disease often ran a rapid course, but sometimes it was less speedy and walked, as in the amljulatory form of the affec- tion. The lesions of the disease were located in the patches of Peycr. At this .juncture the speaker broke the con- tinuity of his paper to pay a tribute of respect to the memory of Peyer. Here was a great man, the memory of whoso name was confined to the unhallowed realms oi the intestines, polluted by filth, and tarnished by contact with the most l)rimitive forms of animal life. There was less in a name than in the bowels of a constipated patient. The illustrious name of Peyer should J. MKLTlMi Of IHE AMliifrilc (Hi:. ;^ij be effaced from the enteric walls, for lie could look forward to a time when he would see it sul- lied by companionship with other names far less venerated. He asked his auditors to accompany him on the wings of fancy to an amphitheater crowded with students, in the year 1901. The surgeon enters the arena, and unbuttons the ab- domen of a previously laparotomized patient, to show some anomaly which had developed since the operation. The intestines are now exposed to the delighted students, who ol)serve various placards ingeniously attached to the liowels, bearing inscriptions like the following: "use PURGINE FOR THE BOWELS ; " " SMITH'S INTESSEP- SINE IS THE BEST ; " " GET YOIIll MEDICAL BOOKS AT stone's;" "this man uses brown's peerless IN- TESTINAL SWAB ; " " read's PATENT VENTILATOR IS USED BY THESE BOWELS;" ".THESE BOWELS WERE FURNISHED BY THE INTESTINAL DEVELOPING COM- PANY," etc., etc. '^Dk' sjx'akcr w;is Ih'IM' iiitci'iMipti'd l»y !(>urinei])le that a stiteh in time saved nine. The opei'.-ilion was invjirinbly successful, llie |i;itieiil nsn;illy dying from defieient oxidation ol' tlie Mood. Dr. Dorsi replied thai a ).ei I'oi-al ion was naught 44 TBE A^fTISEI'TIV CLUB. elso but a leak. We could learn something from the plumbers in this direction, who, when they encountered a leak, soldered it. The only differ- ence in the method was the charge, which was higher in the tinkering done by the physician, whose duty it was not only to save the patient, but to maintain the dignity of the profession. The oldest member of the clul). Dr. Azygos Uvulae, wished to illustrate by a little incident which occurred to him that day how powerless was the physician in coping with disease. He was strolling upon the wharf during his office hours — a time when he was least occupied — when he was attracted toward a large crowd. On inquiring the cause of this large concourse of people he elicited the information that a child had fallen into the water. The frantic mother implored the people to rescue her child from the surging waves. No one responded. The sus- pense was terrible. Old and feeble as he was, he doffed his coat, jumped into the water, and rescued the child. The grateful mother was profuse in her thanksgiving. " Don't thank me," said the gallant doctor; "I am sufficiently re- warded. I am Dr. Azygos Uvulae. I have prac- A MEETING OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 45 ticed medicine for fifty years, aud tins is the first person I ever saved." Dr. Trapezius wished to iUnstrate a somewhat analogous case. Xot long ago he was in the office of a prominent surgeon whose strict adhe- rence to the " medical fee bill " won for him the respect of the medical profession. A poor woman had brought her little child to this distinguished surgeon for advice and treatment. The surgeon, after a hurried examination, informed the mother that only an operation would save the child's life, and that he would charge her the sum allowed by the " medical fee bill," viz., five hundred dollars. The poor woman informed the surgeon that she was not able to pay this sum; but the former, loyal to the "fee bill," was inflexible. She pleaded with the surgeon to perform the opera- tion for a less sum, but in vain. At last, in heart- rending tones, I heard the distracted mother ask " Will nothing move you ? " " Nothing," r(>- plied the surgeon, with imperturbable gravity; "nothing, madam, save my infa,llil)l(> cathartic pills." ■ Dr. Eectus Femoris rolato4 -^ Tubercle-bacilli cultures asphyxiated in ^ -.^ onions ^ * -.^ Pate de foie gras in agar-agar ^ ->j- Stuffed eggs with lepra bacilli ^ -^ Infarctions of olives ^ —♦4- . . >< -4- Roast lamb inoculated with anthrax ^ -.^ bacilli . ^ -^ Extrichinosed pork ^ -*i ^ -^ i*- -4 Dessert ^ -^ Pudding a la staphylococcus |^ -*5- Diabetic cakes Saccharine cakes t^ -»f . ^ -*^ Marrons glaces in test-tubes t^ -^ Pistache cream in wafers |*~ "*^ . . ^ ~i" Camellia cream-cake in capsules f" -4 ^ -^ Thoracic nuts |^ -| Cafe f- ~^ Pepsin Stomach-tube Purgative |^ t^< 14^ ^ "4* ^ '^ '^ '^ '4^ "^ *+* '4' ^ ^ ^ '^ '^ ^t* *^ ^i* "4* ^i* '^ "^ "^^ '4' ^i* "4^ ^ THE r.ANliUET OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 55 Duriug the repast music was anathematized by the Antiseptic Band. It consisted of four strinii' and three wind instruments, AU the stringed instruments were provided with aseptic- catgut Hgatures, wliile the wind-instrumenta- hsts received their supply of wind from air run through a steriMzert At tlie proper time the chairman announced the toast of the evening — " Our Doctors." Dr. Ad- ductor Longus responded to tliis toast in his normal vein of humor, which l>y the time he was finished hud Ijecomo varicosed. The response, as I cau remember it, was as follows : "Our Doctors! God bless tlu'ni; and their patients, give them God's blessing too, for tliey surely need it. In these days of cremation it is not difficult for a doctor to toast his patients ; and to my first patient, long-suffering and in- dulgent, will I address a few brief remarks. I will never forget him, nor would he me had he lived; but my treatment was too successfnl, and he died in a hurry. I was then a young man .'ind very inexperienced; but, fortunately for me, I li;id the jnuiidire, and peoph^ could not tell liow green 1 i-e;illy was. For a long tiiiH^ I s;it in niy 56 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. office with no case other than a bookcase ; and although I had no patients I kept my hand in by kilHng time. I had a large bell connected with my office, which, when rung, was calculated to wake the dead; but for some reason I never heard it, because it never rang. Finally it did ring one day, however, and there entered my office an individual who said he was sick ; he knew he was past all recovery, and, indeed, he did not care to live ; and for those reasons he came to me for treatment. I thanked him in reply, telling him at the same time that I would not j^rove myself unworthy of his expectations. I at once pro- ceeded to examine him carefully with reference to his disease, and more carefullv with reference to his pocket. I extracted froui him much valu- able information that would lead to a diagnosis, and more valuable coin that would lead to a square meal. After the examination was com- pleted he asked me about the nature of his disease. I confessed I did not know, but com- forted him with the assurance that we would learn everything at the post-mortem examina- tion. He wanted me to make such an examina- tion at once. He had coin to pay for it, and if THE JUMji j:t of ttik axtiski'tic run. 57 I would not make it lie would go to some one else who would. He remarked that he owed me his eternal gratitude for my examination. I replied that he was mistaken, for he owed me exactly a half-eagle. He proceeded to saw a twenty-dollar piece in two parts, but I objected to the accept- ance of mutilated coin. ' Here,' said he, as if in desperation, 'here is fifty cents; take out the value of your services, and don't forget to return the change.' ' You are a miner,' said I, in reply, ' and I only charge minors one-halt' price.' AVith that he pulled from his pocket a bag of gold-dust, and, handing it to me, said, 'Make the change.' I did. I kept the gold and returned the dust, and on his questioning the exorbitance of my charge I also returned the bag. "For over two months did I treat this man, but at the end of that time he was no worse. He said he was deceived in my treatment. Pills were of no value to him. He was bullet-proof, having served in the late war by procuring a substitute. I could not bleed him. He was al- ready bled to the extent of a hundred dollars. I suggested purging him, but he rejilicil flmt ;in expressman would move his bowels for less 58 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. money. I was in a quandary. I bethought my- self of sending for a friend of mine, an artist, Avho would draw his last breath. But no, I alone must prove worthy of my patient's confidence. I must have a powerful remedy, and I guessed it. Ipecac ! I heard it could throw up a child. Why not use it on my patient? I did, and he threw M\) the ghost. I knew there were other ways of dying. He might have kicked the bucket, but he could not — he was paralyzed. To have bitten the dust was also impossible, for he was without teeth. He was a fresh man when he came to me, but he was otherwise when I stopped treatment. Indeed, so raj^id did de- composition set in that I had to prescribe ice, the first prescription that had any effect. Al- together I felt satisfied with the results. I promised my patient that he would go out rid- ing in a few months, and my prognostication was verified: he attended his own funeral in a hearse." After the applause following this toast had ceased the chairman related his experience with his first patient: He was called suddenly to see a dying man. THE BANQUET OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLVB. 59 and by the time he arrived the patient was dead. He was iu a dilemma. To leave the house with- out tenderiug coudolence to the bereaved family was a sacrilege. Turning to the grief-stricken wife he said : " Madam, I know it is hard to lose your husband; but, madam, I assure you in all sincerity, even had I been called earlier in the case, I could not have done more," Dr. Peroneus Brevis, the homeopathic member of the club, read the following, entitled Ode to Nothiug. " If you wish for medicine specific, Put it in the broad Pacific ; When the waves are dashing wild You will get a mixture mild. Now from the ocean take one drop ; But at this juncture do not stop. Take a cask — the larger much the better; Then fill with water — the more the wetter. From this mixture take a single minim, Which the patient takes within 'im. Fill him now with water, mind you ! every nook; Then shake him up till Ihm's shook. ^O THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. If he lives, here, then, is the situation : He was cured by mere attenuation. If he dies, well — dissolution Surely follows mere die-lution." The toast " The Spoon " was responded to by Dr. Coehlearis. I almost forget the substance of his toast, but I remember an instance which he related that occurred during the course of his extensive practice. One of his patients was ar- rested for stealing spoons. When he appeared before the magistrate the latter questioned him on the singularity of his thefts, that of steahng spoons at regular intervals for six successive days. " Your past history, prisoner at the bar," said the judge, " is exce]3tionally good. Tell me," he continued, "is there anything you can offer in mitigation of your offense?" "Yes, your honor," said the faltering culprit; "I took the spoons on the advice of my physician. Dr. Coeh- learis. He told me to take a dessert-spoon three times a day." When the final toast of the evening, "The Ladies," was announced, the chairman called on my neighbor, Dr. Trapezius, who refused to re- THE BANQVET OF THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. Gl spond. All entreaties to liave him forego his resolutiou.were in vain, until at last he arose and gave his reasons for refusing the mandate of the chairman. Said he: "I was in love with one of my pa- tients, and I resolved on marriage. I sat down and wrote a lengthy marriage proposal. The next day her big brother, whom I had offended because I at one time was unfortunate enough to be his physician, called on me and asked me if I had written that which he held in his hand, at the same time pointing to a large roll of paper. I replied fearlessly that I did. ' Well,' said he, ' I'll make you swallow every word.' " " Did he do it ! " asked the chairman. " You bet he did," rephed Dr. Trapezius. " He pushed the whole roll of paper down my throat. The same day," continued Dr. Trapezius, "1 went to a colleague for advice. He asked me how much paper I had swallowed. ~ I i-eplied, * One quire.' ' Well,' said he, ' why don't you use your- self as a paper-weight ? ' I got mad then, and he consoled me with the advice to give the whole thing up. That, I replied in return, was the very thing I tried to do, but it would not come up. g2 TBE ANTISEPTIC CLVB. Gentlemen," said Dr. Trapezius, in conclusion, " this is the reason why I would not respond to the toast of ' The Ladies.' If I have one regret at the present time it is this : that I did not write the marriage proposal on tissue-paper." After the remarks of Dr. Trapezius the mem- bers were already buoyant. The German band succumbed to the effects of beer, which seemed Teutonic for their delicate organisms. Dr. Pec- toralis Minor was equal to the occasion, however. He improvised some music from an organ to which the late Dr. Omo-hyoid was fondly at- tached (be it remembered that the doctor suc- cumbed to the effects of gastric catarrh). The organ consisted of a stomach, with esophagus, which, when manipulated, discoursed music re- sembling the catarrh. It was interesting to note how the individual members thwarted the post-intoxicating action of wine. One member used a cephalic compress- ometer; another enveloped his head in plaster- of -Paris bandages ; another drank a solution of muriate of ammonia; while Dr. Trapezius, who studied in Germany, adopted the emetic route. The chairman, by a secret process known only THE UASQIET OF THE AMlSEl'TlC LLLTi. (33 to himself, had oxtracted the active principles of alcohol, which he took iu capsules at regular in- tervals, thus developing a jag which was emi- nently scientific. The early morning hours be- held many atactic doctors describing parabolic curves in their endeavors to reach home, and the early morning citizens cast a knowing smile of contentment at the discomfiture of the under- takers, who realized that for the present their best patrons were hors de combat. IV. TESTIMONIALS SUBMITTED TO THE ANTI- SEPTIC CLUB. G5 'HE use of the testimonial for the purpose of courting publi- city constitutes one of the most despicable meth- ods of medical advertising. There are three degrees of liar — prevaricator, liar, and, superlatively, writer of medical testimonials. GG CHAPTER IV. TESTIMONIALS SUBMITTED TO THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. THE next regular monthly meeting of the elul^ nearly all the members were present. AVord was received from the president, l^y means of a mes- senger-hoy, that, owing to an attack of cerebral congestion sii[>('rindueed by his attempts to read one of his own 2)i-(\se]'ip- tions, he was nn;iv()ida,1)ly confined at liis home. An altercation arose?, after reading tlic message, between the messenger-boy and one of the members relative to tlui amount due the former. Dr. Rectus Femoris demonstrated that the boy was entitled to j)ay for only two hours' time, the latter contending that he wns occupied exactly sixteen lioni's in delivei'ing the coininunicalion. iJr. Ke(;tus Femoris pi'oved the correctness of his 67 (jg THE ANTIiiEPTIC CLUB. observation by a simple bacteriological proce- dure. " You will note, gentlemen," said Dr. Fe- moris, " that our worthy president planted on the forehead of this puerile retardation [messenger- boy] various time cultures. On examining the same I find that only the Bacillus erytlirosporns has attained full development. Now, as this ba- cillus develops fully in exactly two hours, the boy is entitled to only two hours' time." After a vote of thanks was given to Dr. Femo- ris, and a demand made on the treasury for the amount of the messenger-boy's service, Dr. Vas- tus Externus was called to the chair. Owing to his extreme corpulence he filled the chair ably. Asa presiding officer, however, he was not a suc- cess. His sense of audition was defective, owing to the accidental explosion of a Seidlitz powder which he was administering to a j^'dient some months previousTy. Then, again, you could not hear him speak, owing to an attack of saliva- tion, his words being inundated by the excess of salivary secretion. After the minutes of the last meeting were read. Dr. Pectoralis Minor entered serious ob- jections to their acceptance. These objections TESTIAIOXIJLS SUBMITTED. (59 were removed after explauatiou from the secre- tary to the effect that, owing to" a defect in the mechanism of his watch, the minutes of the last meeting were somewhat faulty. Dr. Superior Rectus asked the presiding officer if the minutes were red. On receiving a reply in the affirma- tive he thanked that officer, claiming that he was not aware that they were, owing to his color- blindness. A communication was received from Dr. Ex- tensor Indicis, asking to be admitted to mem- bership in the club. His application was made on the proviso that the atomization of corrosive sublimate should be discontinued during the ses- sions of the society. He feared — so the com- munication read — the effects of mercurial intoxi- cation. He was susceptible to the effects of mercury; in fact, he was of a mercurial tempera- ment. Once when he had a thermometer intro- duced into his moutli he accich'ntally bit off the end, and it was a cold day for him when the mer- cury went down ; indeed, the degree of suffering- was intense. Df. (Viii-('us wished to make a motion, but owing to his p;ii-;dyzed condition ho was unable YQ THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. to do SO. He begged, liowever, that Dr. Superior Rectus be allowed to make the motion for him. The motion was to the effect that the commu- nication be laid on the table. The motion was carried. Dr. Scalenus Anticus wished to prefer charges against Dr. Rectus Femoris for violating the Hip- pocratic oath. " The latter," said Dr. Anticus, "works a quarry, and in so doing violates the oath by cutting for stone." The charges were referred to a committee, whose office, as usual, became hereditary. The chairman announced a paper on " Testi- monial Mania," by Dr. Scalenus Anticus. He defined this affection as a diseased state peculiar to the physician between the time of his gradu- ation as a physician and — well, tlie time when he ceases to be one. During the past few years the affection was undoubtedly on the increase. There was one physician wliom he recalled who had been a victim of the disease, but since he lost the sense of vision, and could no longer see his name in print, he was cured completelj^ He feared a relapse, however, if at any time the pa- tient could feel his name in print. There wa^ TESTIMO^^IALS SUBMITTED. 71 one feature particularly noticeable in the dis- ease, and that was, the less the giver of a testi- monial knew about a thing the more readily he gave it. Tlie disease was auriferous in character. Pathology: He had made an autopsy on only two of his cases. The brain in both cases was in a state of degeneration, with hypertrophy of the acquisitive centers. Treatment : He recommended confinement. Patients with testimonial mania, while not offer- ing personal violence, were a source of great danger to the ])ul)li('. In cases where confine- ment was impossible he would most urgently recommend some i-adical measure by the medical l)rorcssion, in onlcr to protect themselv(\s; for he believed the afflicted x)ersons were past nil re- demption. Symptoms : The following testimonials proved illustrative of the symptomatology; they were culled from various sources. Testimonial No. 1. " ^Fy wife w;is a suffci'ci- fi'om a persistent cin'onic cough I'oi" over two days ; but since nsing yoni- ])eerless I'eniedy she has practically i-ccov- 72 5'^^' ANTISEPTIC CLUB. ered, with the exception of a slight indisposition from tuberculosis." Testimonial No. 2. " I have used ' Quacker's Purified Opium ' for insomnia in an infant that was frightened by a tapeworm. The latter was extracted alive two days later at the ]30st-mortem examination. I must confess, although it's rather powerful for infants, it's ' a daisy ' for tapeworms." Testimonial JVo. 3. "A man ii) my town suffering from alcoholism saw snakes for six days in succession. After taking one dose of your ' Aneyehilator ' he only saw them with his right eye. After taking a sec- ond dose he didn't see any more. He says your 'Aneyehilator' is 'out of sight.'" Testimonial No. 4. "Your purgine is a dandy. One of my pa- tients was so constipated that he had to swallow keys to open his bowels. I take your j^urgine twice daily. I am a surgeon in active practice, and have two successful operations a day." TESTIMOyiAL^ SUBMITTED. 73 Testimonial No. 5. " I am twenty-six years of age and wear whis- kers. For over two years I liave been troubled with eczema of the beard, wliieh I attrilnited to the irritating action of tlie wind. After using your wonderful lubricator for the whiskers, the passage of the wind is so much facilitated that I no longer suffer from eczema." Testimonial No. 6. " A patient of mine, aged thirty-nine, has been a sufferer from congenital hernia for over two months. One bottle of your autifat remedy re- duced it at once. I also use it for reducing fever." Testimonial No. 7. "Ojie of ]ny patients, Uw human ostrich in a circus, who digests stones, nails, glass, and other nouns, has been a suffcrci- tVoiii indigestion for many months. By means of your 'Diejustyet' he is able to assimilate! milk and lo ('(nitinnc in liis occupation of digesliiig sloiics, nails, glass, anh appears on his tomb- stone : ' Under this mound of earth there rests A man who used McClure's vests. By chance he used some dynamite, "Which blew him upward " out of sight." This is why he rests in ^jiece. Dedicated by his faithful inece.' " 78 TEE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. Testimonial No. 19. " I'm a graduate of many colleges. Tins fact necessitates affixing nearly the entire alphabet to my name every time I sign it. Aside from the increased expenditure of paper, pen, and ink which this inconvenience involves, I have devel- oped writers' j^alsy. Thanks to your valuable ' Anti-Ostentation,' I no longer add the alphabet- ical appendages to my name, and am on the right road to recovery." Testimonial No. 20. "Before practicing medicine I was a teacher of penmanship. My success in practice being ham2;)ered by the legibility of my prescriptions, I willingly applied myself to a study of your code of hieroglyphics. What was the result ? To-day I am a man of affluence, enveloped in all the mysticism which a credulous public respects and pays for." Testimonial No. 21. " I am a physician. For over three years I af- fected a peculiarity in dress which compensated in a measure for my many deficiencies, at the TESTUlOyULS SVBMITTEn. 79 same time attracting the attention of the dear public. Since reading yom- book on '• Dress Re- form' I have revised my attire in conformity with common sense, until now you couldn't dis- tinguish me from anv other medical gentleman." 'o" Testimonial No. 22. "When I was a child my parents intended that I should become a surgeon, but for some unaccountable reason I was altogether too sym- pathetic and gentle to attain eminence in this specialty. By chance I ran across a l)0ttle of your 'Rough on Feelings,' with the result that I soon lost all consciousness of sensory ini] mis- sions. Having lost all feeling, I attribute all my success as a surgeon to that fact." Testimomal No. 23. "I agree with Di-. Physick, that 'a man who drives one horse is weak in the legs; and if he drives two he is weak in the head.' In my former occupation as a pliysician I drove Iwo horses, but since learning something about med- icine in your valuable treatise I have returned go tHE ANTISEPTIC CLVB. to my former occupation of carpentry. I now drive nothing else but nails," Testimonial No. 24. " Two years ago I was in the habit of walking through the streets of this city carrying a satch- el, with a view to deceiving the public that I had something to do. I also cultivated a preoccupied air, which was surcharged with carbonic acid. Having been repeatedly mistaken for a piano- tuner, I sought to forego the habit of carrying a satchel, l)ut without result. Luckily I heard of your valuable ' Trunk Expedient,' which not only enaljles me to carry my instruments, but like- wise my whole medical liljrary." Testimonial No. 25. "For many years I have been a victim of polypharmacy. Since using two bottles of your wonderful ' Cerebral Devitalizer ' my memory has become so defective that I can no longer remember the many ingredients of my former ready-made stock of prescriptions. I now write 'custom-made' prescriptions suitable to the case TESTtMOXlALS SUBMITTED. g^ and not the disease, and I have averted an im- pending attack of ' prescription-writers' cramp.' " Testimonial No. 26. "As you know, the Tower of Pisa is bent with age. I hapj)ened to ascend the tower not loug ago, and what was my surprise to discover tliat the tower had suddenly become straight! In seeking an ex2:)lanation for this plienomenon I found that a bottle of your 'Rejuvenator' had fallen from my pocket and its contents were promiscuously distrilmted. It was only after the medicine had evaporated that the tower leaned as before." Testimonial No. 27. "Your remedy for itch is incomparable. I liud been a suft'c^rer from cacoethes scrihrndi, and your medicine cured me completely. I daily re- ceive letters of congratulation." Testimornal No. 28. "About two years ago a patient of mine got well without taking my mciiiciiir. I became so mortified that I leaicd gangrene. Thanks to g2 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB, tlie liberal use of- your ' 75 sulphates/' er'^'iigrene was averted." Testimonial No. 29. • " I am a young physician. My friends said I lacked dignity, which I construed to mean that condition which makes you feel you are better than somebody else. With the advice from your ' bureau,' I associated myself with a senior medical student who ran a surgical clinic in the absence of his j^rofessor. I now feel, in conse- quence of my association, how great I really am.' Testimojikd No. 30. "Duodenal Path, Alimentary Way, "Hepatic Heights on the Choledochus, "London, England. " Dear Sirs : I am a homeopath, altliongh there is nothing small about me but my medicines. Owning a lot of stock in a water company, and desirous of enhancing its value, I became a homeopath. I use your 'Reservoir Diluent' in dry catarrh, kleptomania, and in all otlier cases. " Very diluently and i)otentially yours, " I. Verily Small." TESTIMONIALS SUBMITTEl). 33 After the paper of Dr. Anticus was concluded the members adjourned to " The Antisepticum," where antiseptic beer was kept on draught, and cheese* was served with patent ventilators at- tached, the invention of Dr. Femoris, a member of the club. Y. A PAPER ON ''THE CLIMATE OF CALI- FORNIA." 85 HAT indefinite, mysterious, an (1 subtle factor, climate, is often an accomodat- ing haven for the physician's delinquencies when he wishes to transfer his proprietors!) ij:* of the patient to Death. 86 CHAPTER V. A PAPER ON "the CLIMATE OF CALIFOENLi. " HE club convened as usual at the regular time. Dr. Sarto- rius presided at the meeting. He congratulated the members on his partial recovery from an attack of cerebral congestion. It may be mentioned parenthetically that Dr. Sartorius's excessive modesty was evoked by his success as a transi)laiitation ovariotomist. 'J'liis operation was original with him, and consisted in replacing the diseased ovaries by healthy ova- ries from animals. The results sequential to this operation were so remarkable, and at the same time so amusing, that his fame spread like the cholera. He wished to inquire of Dr. Aidicns foi- infor- mation regarding the etiology, iKilhology, etc, 87 S8 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. of cerebral congestion. Dr. Auticus replied that his information on the subject was extremely limited ; in fact, he knew nothing about it, inas- much as he had just completed a monograph on the subject. Dr. Longus Colli wished to present to the club a very interesting case. It was that of a young man who, ever since he remembered, had a swelling on the outer side of his ankle. He suffered no inconvenience from it ; in fact, it was unnoticed until the discriminating eagle eye of Dr. Colli detected it. A siiigular feature with reference to the case was tliis: that since Dr. Colli had detected the prominence the patient had suffered most excruciating pain in the part. Dr. Colli would not venture a diagnosis ; he pre- sented the case with the hope of gaining infor- mation. Dr. Vastus Internus arose, and i^roceeded to compliment the preceding speaker on the inter- esting nature of tlie case. He continued to pane- gyrize Dr. Colli for about ten minutes, and then sat down ; whereupon the misanthrojDe of tLe club, Dr. Compressor Nasi, arose. Dr. Nasi was incensed at the inanity of the A VAVEii oy " rmc cijm.itI'J of c.iuFonyiAr gg preceding speaker's remarks. "He can talk more and say less than any one I ever knew. His complaint," continued the speaker, " is alto- gether too common in medical societies. It is characterized as ' a diarrhea of words and a constipation of ideas ' ; but he would he more charitable — he would call it ' vocal incontinence and mental sterility.' " He ventured the opinion that presidents of medical societies were not stringent enough in checking these vocal mon- strosities. No one should be permitted to speak uidess he had something original to say. He would rather bow to the superior intelligence of the man who counted the number of drops of urine expelled in a given unit of time, than to the plagiarist who by skilful transposition of words succeeded in presenting an origiujd paper to the club. He was as much surprised by this order of things in a medical society as were the graduates at the commencement exercises of a medical col- lege, who really did not know how hni-d they had labored for their dcgrec^s iiiifil told so by llic \'al- edictorian. Tlie man who pating of the physicians throughout the State, to pro- test against the continued good health of the commonwealth. Dr. Colli said he agi'eed with the previous speaker in every particular. Dr. Nasi said that "Dr. Colli was in Hie habit i)^ THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. of agreeing with every one. Perhaps his long residence as a physician on one of the Cannibal Islands was the cause of this agreement. There l^hysicians never disagreed with one another. They hadn't the opportunity. The natives usu- ally forestalled this inevitable tendency." Dr. Vastus Internus noted a considerable fall- ing off in the number of his 2:)hthisical cases. He did not know whether to attribute the increased mortality to the enervating effects of the climate or to his heroic medication. The i^resident observed that "the so-called heroic medication was deserving of considerable modification. He believed that it was the pa- tient, not the pliysician, who was the hero of the therapeutical contest, with honors easy for tlie patient." Dr. Flexor Accessorius had used imported compressed air on some of his patients with ex- otic temperaments suffering from hemoptysis. Dr. Nasi asked the preceding speaker if the cases of hemoptysis were confined only to males. On receiving a negative reply, he wished to assure the members of the injustice done womankind by reserving for the males all medi- A PAPER ON ''THE CLIMATE OF CALIFORNIA:' 99 cal tecliuicalities. He made the motion that in the future dehberatious of the club hemorrhage from the hiugs in males should be known as Jiemo2)t!/sis, and if occurring in females the term shemoptij.'^is should be employed. The motion was carried without a dissenting vote. Dr. Naso Labialis considered the climate of California of undoubted value in all cases of as- phyxia; he would also recommend it in all cases of dyspnoea, but particularly in apnoeic affections. He further observed that "in southern Califor- nia so highly was the climate valued by patients, that when a man was about to die he always asked for a corkscrew, so that he might be able to draw just one more breatli." Dr. Geiuelhis Inferior ri'inai-kcd lliat in south- ern California l)alloon sanatoria for consumptives were all the rage until a short time ago, wlieii an accident occurred whi(di was poetically described by one of the papers as follows : "In southern California the land is reckoned high. But the climate is much higher, and that's the reason why 100 ^'^^' ANTISEPTIC CLUB. A sage invented big balloons to reach up to the sky. So peoj^le in them justly said, ' Oh ! how is this for high'?' Persons who had weekly lungs went up them every day, To give their lungs an airing in a therapeutic way. When the thermometer was taken up along with that 'ere ship The mercury went up also with every daily trip. One day there was an accident — 'tis sad now to relate About the people who wont up, and their un- timely fate. The big balloon was severed from its fasten- ing, the rope, And, parted from the latter, it did at once elope ; And up she went, way out of sight, with all the men and ladies. The men they said, ' Oh, this is hell ! ' The ladies cried, ' Oh, hades ! ' But they never came back. That is why we confess Aeronautic therapy is not a success." A /.'^''^fifnEo 'altitude // I ^ 1 * ^ > 1 "But they never came Lack. Tliat is why wo confess Aeronautic tlierapy is not a success." 101 A PAPER ON "THE CLIMATE OF CALIFORNIA." IQo Dr. Nasi asked Dr. Inferior what observation he had made relative to balloon therapeutics. Dr. Inferior replied that the patients usually felt "out of "sight" when they were up in the balloons, but when they came down again their spirits were less exalted. Dr. Iliacus, who was to have read a paper on / ^ "The Therapeutical Application of Calif ornian Climate in the Treatment of Pneumonia," was confined to his home, owing to an attack of pneumonia which was contracted while making- meteorological observations for his paper. The president announced that tlie reading of the paper, "The Climate of Chinatown, or its Effects on the Asphyxiation of Microbes," was indefinitely postponed. The motion of Dr. Nasi that the club adjourn to "The Antis('X)ticum" was carried unani- niously. The meeting adjourned. • • VI. THE ORGANIC SECRETIONS IN THERAPEU- TICS. 105 imagma- HEN tion doin mates reason on sub- jects medical, it is not difficult to conceive to what absurd extremes the physician may be led. Rea- son restrains im- aefination from making a fool of its possessor. 106 CHAPTER VI. THE OEGANIC SECllETIONS IN THERAPEUTICS. HE meetiug of the Antiseptic Club convened at tlie usual time. Dr. Cremaster's address on " Organic Secretions in Ther- apeutics" was first in order. As an exordium to his address, he referred to the remarkable investigations of Brown-Sequard with testicular juice — investiga- tions wliicdi would rejuvenize the old and render the youtliful licentiate less wary of premature decay. There were three conditions which im- pelled the average man to visit his physician, viz., iuipotency, pain, nnd fear of death. The speaker considered impotency one of the chief causes. Almost every man believed himself to be impotent. This feeling was engendered by mere insatiableness. Of all orgaus the activity 107 i08 "^HE AiSfTiSEPTiC CLUB. of which was influeuced by the mind, the sexual apparatus was paramount. lu the large per- centage of functional affections of the sexual organs, mental, not local, treatment was required. When a man suffered from varied and obscure symptoms, without any manifest physical ill health, it was always wise to look to the genital apparatus for the genesis of his trouble. "Is it any wonder," queried the speaker, "if subjects for the treatment of impotency are plentiful?" It would be unjust to compare the discovery of Brown-Sequard with that of Juan Ponce -de Leon. The former was a savant, and so recognized; the latter a mere visionary trav- eler in search of the marvelous fountain. It is true that the value of the testicular juice was well known even before Brown-Sequard was known to have existed ; but this value was esti- mated in a manner at variance with the Brown- Sequardian conception. This value could be likened to the water which ran the mill : its use- fulness ceased when its mission was performed. Not so the fluid of Brown-Sequard ; it was not debris ; on the contrary, it could reproduce itself. Dr. Cremaster had migrated beyond the narrow ORGANIC SECRETIONS IN THERAREUTICS. 109 confines of the Sequardian observations. By his modified and improved method he eould not only endow the recipients of the juice witli vitality — nay, he conld do more: he could furnish them with the temperament of the animal from which the juice was obtained. His observations in this connection proceeded from the conviction that Descartes was correct when he avowed that the pineal gland was the seat of the soul. By a process of expression he could extract the con- stituents of the soul, and by trituration with the testicular fluid obtain a juice characteristic of the special animal from which it was derived. The results achieved by him were remarkable, not only in curing cases of moral obliquity, but in the substitution of one temperament for another. 1I(> wished to present a few cases mai'ked as ex- hibits. JSxhihit No. 1. This exhibit was one of the most prominent surgeons in America. The history of the case was essentially as follows : Graduating as a i)hy- sician at an early age, his ambition was to be- (;omo a surgeon ; but ho was thwarted in his ilO ^^^ ANTISEPTIC CLVK designs by the gentleness of his nature. In de- spair he applied to Dr. Cremaster for advice and treatment. Dr. Cremaster gave him five injec- tions of his compound mixture obtained from a lion, with the result that his gentleness was sup- planted l;)y ferocity. The leonine expression of the face of this exhibit was unmistakable. The whiskers on his neck bore some analogy to the shaggy mane of the lion. In society he was lionized by the ladies, and the men voted him the king: of beasts. ^c? ExhlUt No. 2. This was a case of moral obliquity. This ex- hibit was the most cruel of husbands. He wasted his time in beating his wife and studying medi- cine. He was a student of medicine for the pur- pose of resting his mind. He had been addicted to the use of hypnotics, but, being without money to secure sleeping-potions, he attended medical lectures as a cheaper though better substitute for hypnotics. Only three injections of testicu- lar fluid obtained from a dog were used in this exhibit, with the result which was shown to the club. The exhibit had a doggish look of the ORGANIC SECEETIOXS IN THEBAPEUTICS. 113 mastiff variety as lie croneliecl on bis hands and feet. He now oeenpied his time in writing dog- gerel and j:)osing as an advertisement for a to- bacco firm ; for on his back in prominent letters were the words: "chew the mastiff plug." When qnestioned by on(3 of the meral)ers rela- tive to bis mode of life, he answered, with a snarl which could only be likened to something mid- way between rushing the growler and a Peruvian bark, that he led a dog's life. Exhibit No. 3. This was almost a hopeless case when he first presented himself for treatment. He was a young medical graduate wlio disdained wearing a plug hat and signing M.D. after his name. Two injections of the testicular fluid obtained from a beaver have altered his nature, although he is not completely cur(^d ; for Avliile he now wears a beaver on his head, he persists in adding a U to his degree, so that his name and appendix now read as follows : " john smith, m.u.d." Krhlhif Xo. 4. " T removed," said the sp(^akistoury from his pocket and pro- ceeded to open the discussion. He next expelled his nasal mucus by a handkerchief made of anti- septic gauze. After the manner of the mendi- cant, he begged to be allowed to relieve himself of the following thoughts : ORGANIC SECRETIONS IX THERAPEUTICS. 131 If a remedy were proposed by a physician, however distinguished in the profession, which not only failed to respond to reason, but by a charitable process of ratiocination was proved to be ridiculous, it was the inalienable right of the physician to so express himself. He had frequently noted that observations conducted on purely deductive reasoning were in many in- stances superfluous, as they nearly always cor- roborated the theory already formulated. The mind was, as it were, projected to the senses, thus converting the latter into untrustworthy sentinels of mental perception. The erroneous perception was not so much a delusion as it was an hallucination. Pertinent to the uses of or- ganic juices in the treatment of disease various factors other than the fluid nuist be considered. These factors were : 1. The temper of the needle and of ihe patient. 2. The oi'namentation of the syringe and its mental effect on tlic patient. 3. The prick of the needle. 4. The degree of the needle's penetration. 5. The angle described in the needle's penetra- tion. 132 THE ANTISEVTIV CLUB. 6. The locality selected. 7. The force employed in ejecting the contents of the syringe. 8. The rapidity of absorption of the fluid in- jected. 9. Numerous etcteteras. It was as rational to suj^pose that any one of the foregoing factors was imi^licated in the results of treatment as it was to attribute all the effects to the fluid. A careful elimination of all these factors would Ije necessary before he could be convinced. The same objections pertained to the organic juices as to a shot-gun prescription. You do not know what does the work. It may be true that marvelous results have been actually observed after the injections, but in this age of suggestion in medicine it was necessary to know what was the especial factor involved. If it were the prick of the needle all the accessory formalities should be eliminated. It may be necessary to give a man the Pacific Ocean if he wanted a homeoiDathic purgative of high dilutiou, but you could obtain this pacific action without one. Ay IV sechetwxs ix tuehapj-jitics. 133 the oceau by rational admiuistratiou of the pur- gative. Dr. Peroueus Brevis, the homeopathic mem- ber, felt offended at the remarks of the j)reced- ing speaker. He was willing to confess that he did not believe in the absurd theories of home- opathy, nor did the educated physicians of this sect in medicine. He divided all homeopaths into three general classes, as follows : 1. The first class included all homeopaths who were ignorant of all methods of treatment but their own, and consequently practiced only that method of which they were cogniiant. Their faith in tlie tenets of homeopathy was tanta- mount to fanaticism which was fortified by op- position. Any deviation from the accepted doc- trines was raidv heresy. 2. This class embraced the i)nrtially educated homeopaths, who, recognizing tlie absiu'dity of their own methods of treatment, pursued them, nevertheless, for ]»ni'poses of r('v<'iiue. 3. Tliis class embraced the educated homeo- paths, wlio were cognizant of otlier methods of treatment and the absurdity of their own. Their 134 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. self-esteem precluded a candid renunciation of their faith, although they practiced the methods of the regular, progressive school. Dr. Brevis compared homeopathy to a patho- genic bacillus. It attempted to disorganize legitimate medicine without acquiring any of its truths, and yielded nothing in return but vil- ification. Its growth in Europe was inhibited by the stringency of the laws directed against chicanery of all kinds. The United States of America afforded a culture-field for its propaga- tion, the culture-medium being made up of fad- dism, ignorance, and superstition. The products of the culture-growth were innocuous to the human organism, l)ut excessively virulent to regular medicine, in whose shadows it sought refuge for the perpetration of its calumniations. Dr. Brevis considered that Dr. Nasi was too radical in denouncing the use of organic juices, when so much evidence was at command to show their excellent effects. Dr. Nasi replied that he did not question the results. He merely denied the right of any one to assume that the fluid, and not the other fac- tors which he had mentioned, was the cause DUG ASIC SECIiETIoy^ AV THEliAPEUTIfS. I35 of the good results. He argued that if eoutrol experimeuts were instituted with the prick of the needle alone, similar good results would be achieved. If the physician is deceived— and he has been repeatedly — in noting inixjrovement in incural)le diseases by objective methods of ex- amination with instruments of unvarying preci- sion, how delusive would his observations prove when based on subjective symptoms alone! In the treatment of disease the end always justifies the means ; and if suggestion were responsible for cures after the adoption of irrational methods, it was more scientific to seek refuge in the haven of presumable something than to accept hypoth- eses which were devitalized by the most feeble arguments. Dr. Vastus Internus Iki.I used injections of nervous matter in various diseases. He modi- fied and improved the conventional lluid, first by tlie addition of mustard, wliicli divw on the imagination, and secondly by selecting special parts of the nervous system, according to the action sought foi-. 1I(> ],;„l pr.-vionsly nsed the cortex of the brain, whi.h he niodifi...] in \hQ case of vegetai-ians by employing the cortex of 13G ^'^-^' ANTISEPTIC CLUB. trees, with similar good results. In tabes dor- salis, if no special symptom demanded treatment, lie employed a fluid made from the posterior col- umns of the spinal cord, whereas if impotency were present he used the nerve matter from the genitospinal center in the cord. In syringo- myelia he saturated the fluid with neurogliar tissue. In progressive spinal muscular atrophy he employed the motor nuclei in the cord and medulla for injection. In paralysis he injected extracts made from special centers of the motor region, according to the localization of the paral- ysis. He believed that he had sufficiently illus- trated his special method of treatment without dilating further on the subject. Dr. Rectus Femoris had used with success the expressed juice of the larynx in the case of a female who had suffered for many years from aphonia. He mentioned the singular case of a married woman who had lost the use of her tongue. Three injections of the expressed juice from the tongue of a sheep cured her completely ; in fact, the juice spoke for itself. In this case, at the earnest solicitation of her husband, he had employed successfully in the same case an ex- OliGASIC SJ£CIiETIO^;S I^^ THEliAl'EUTICS. 13 7 tract made from tlie inhibitory nerves of vocal- ization. Dr. Tensor Tym]3ani, instead of using the juice of tlie larynx in aphonia, employed an extract made from the bark of a dog, with equally good results. He also employed the fructifying prin- ciple of plants on a number of individuals, with the remarkable result of producing several blooming idiots. The latter had begged to have the injections continued, so that they might qualify themselves as writers of editorials for the daily jDapers. Dr. Vastus Externus, in conducting his in- vestigations with organic juices, had i^roceeded from the standpoint that immunity is secured by injections of filtered bouillon cultures. In disease, antitoxines destroy the toxines, thus limiting the duration of disease. In other words, that disease cures disease is a wise provision on tlie part of nature to compensate us for being sick, knowing tliat we are going to get well. Dr. Externus had extra(!ted the juices from vari- ous pathological i)roducts and employed them in cmniteracting disease, Tims, in cases of water on llie brain, lie used the juice expressed from a 138 ^'^^' jy'TlSEPTlC CLUB. cirrhotic liver; for defects in the roof of the mouth the juice from shingles; for general atro- phy the juice of lipomata; and for plagiarism the expressed juice of felons. Having expended consideral)le juice in citing his observations, he removed from his pocket a flask labeled " stek- ILIZED WATER," and after reducing the weight of its contents bv this manoeuver, he sat down. Dr. Soleus ]>elieved that the time had arrived for him to say something. He therefore moved — and as he did so he collided with the hvpertro- phied feet of Dr. Externus — that the club ad- joui-n to " The Antisepticum." The motion was seconded and carried. VII. A HYPODERM AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. i.^o diL :^n ^^^ m^^ ^P^^^lf HE code of medi- cal ethics is a written repro- duction of the in- stincts of a gen- tleman, and any physician who sedulously stud- ies the code does so for the purpose of learning just how far he can carry his professional misconduct without ren- dering himself culpable. 140 CHAPTER VII. A HYPODEEM AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLrB, T the regular meetiiig of tlie club, after the presideut had called the meeting to * order, he an- no uueed in sepulchral tones that a grave occurrence had taken i^lace the previous day, viz., the l)urial of Dr. Serratus Anticus. The doe- tor liad died in the interests of science. " Dr. Au- ticus," continued the speaker, " Avas in a literal sense an ornament to his profession, for he had never engaged in i1m' practice of medicine His death was cause* I hy i">neumonia, superinduced by wetting his l)ody witli llic atomized nierciiri.il solutions wliile in attendance at the last meeting of the club. Tiie case was ijiteresting because it was perhaps the only cas(^ of its kind ever reported. It was an aseptic, or, more properly 141 142 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. speaking, a corrosive- sublimate pneumonia. The disease, as it occurred in the case of Dr. Anticus, ran a mild and aljorted course, the patient dying on the third day. It was very amenable to treat- ment, l)ut the prognosis was bad." The presi- dent olxserved that " he had been suffering from mercurial intoxication ever since the last meet- ing, and he had become so emaciated that he was compelled to wear an extra suit of borated cot- ton to prevent his ribs from being dispelled by the action of the wind." Dr. Rectus Femoris remarked tliat he was also suffering from mercurial poisoning. " The tremor of my hand," said he, " is so pronounced that I am repeatedly mistaken for a Keeley grad- uate," a fact which to him was especially an- noying, as he was president of the Total Absti- nence Society. His flow of saliva had l)ecome so profuse that his teeth were in a condition of permanent submersion, and he had experienced some difficulty in finding them at meal-times. He moved that sul)limate solutions be dispensed with at the future meetings of the club and that chlorinr f/ns he used as a substitute. The motion was carried bv all the members save A HYPODERM AT THE JXTISEPTIC CLUB. 143 Dr. Deltoideiis, wlio was suffering from congenital abracliius. Dr. Superior Rectus "wislied to present the fol- lowing " Don'ts " for the guidance of members in the study of microscoi)y : 1. Don't pretend to know too much about cells. Forget the past and try to reform. 2. Don't mistake a spermatozoon for an ovum ; otherwise you will fail to recognize a cliild when it is born. 3. Don't conclude because you find mercury in the liver that your patient had syphihs; he may have been of a mercurial temperament. 4. Don't conclude because an artery has three coats that it is properly dressed ; the coats may be misfits. 5. Don't mistake a red for a white blood cor- puscle, or you will l)e accused of being color- bliii.l. (). DoiTt iujuro your lenses by careless hand- ling. Lenses come high, the one at the Mount Hamilton 0])servatory Ijeing many hundred feet. 7. Don't lend a microscope. Rememlxn' your own faults, and your confidence in others will be prop(3rly estimated. 144 T^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUb. 8. Don't mistake a lipoma for a cancer ; other- wise jow will encourage the skill of "cancer specialists," who often thrive on the mistakes of expert microscopists. 9. Don't diagnose a carcinoma unless the his- tory of the case accompanies the specimen, and the death of the patient is assured. . 10. Don't conclude when searching for mi- crobes that there are none present. Remember that microbes are sometimes as difficult of detec- tion as a physician who disdains a proffered emolument. 11. Don't postulate that the possession of a microscope carries w^ith it the possession of a knowledge of microscopy, any more than does the possession of glasses enable an illiterate owner to read. 12. Don't eschew imagination in arriving at results from a microscopical examination, q^)Q- cially if an importunate physician believes in tlie infallibility of a microscope. 13. Don't tell the patient he has tuberculosis when you find the tubercle bacilli in his sputum. Knowledge is a dangerous thing when it con- firms the suspicions of a patient. A HTrODKllM AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB, l-j.", 14. Dou't conclude that the most expensive microscopes are always the best. A stolen mi- croscope may Ije just as good as a more expen- sive one. 1"). Don't conclude that lenses bought in pawnslioj)S are immersion lenses simply because they've been in soak. 16. Don't leave your microscope uncovered and thus favor the deposition of foreign mattei". This precaution will often prevent you from making important discoveries in microscopy. 17. Don't injure your eyes by inordinate work with the microscope. The results of your obser- vations will never l)e as valual)le as j^our eye- sight. 18. Don't let your child h.-mdle yoiii- rod- shaped bacillus specimen. Save the r<>(l ;iiid spoil tilt; child. III. I )oii't conclude because you liiid l»hie lilood ill llie aiteries that your patient is au aristocrat; he may have been a victim of heart-disease. 20. Don't examine your cont^eit under the microscope; the stage and lens are not large enough. 21. Dou't forget that in the study of mici-o- 146 ^^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUB. scopy mental is almost as frequent as spherical and chromatic aberration. Dr. iSTaso Labialis wished to bring charges against Dr. Gremellus Inferior, the celebrated bacteriologist, for professional misconduct, based on a letter given him by the latter to the keeper of the Life-saving Station. Dr. Labialis stated that he called on Di*. Inferior and solicited his aid for some kind of employment. The latter gave him a letter, as before stated, and on its presentation he was humiliated by the keeper of the station, who informed him that the letter must have been intended as a joke ; for he surely should have known that 23hysicians were not employed at his station, for they could only use men who saved lives. Dr. Inferior remarked that he had given the letter in good faith, and if Dr. Labialis would not accept his apology he would aljide by the decision of the chair. Dr. Labialis wished to remark that the only culture Dr. Inferior ever possessed was in his bacteriological laboratory. The president observed that "professional A HTPODEEM AT THE AXTISErilC CLUB. I47 miseonduot was fortunately rare iu.tlie medical profession. In observing the code physicians were not always prompted by a sentiment of fraternal feeling, but by the same motives as prompted the generality of people in their re- spective callings, viz., self -protection. Physi- cians knew that any discourtesy toward another would be reciprocated. The code of medical ethics," continued tlie president, " was unneces- sary for any member of the profession who has the instincts of a gentleman, and as most physi- cians are gentlemen the code is superfluous." To settle the controversy between Dr. LabiaUs and Dr. Inferior he would suggest a duel. He would not suggest so dangerous an expedient as an in- terchange of prescriptions, but would allude to the mode of dueling usually in vogue at the club, the so-called lujpoderm. The hypoderm was governed by the "Antiseptic Club Rules," which were as follows : 1. A referee must be cliosen, whose decisions ill all cases sliall be final. 2. A timekeeper must be chosen. '.\. All contests must take place in a roped IJ^S THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. iiiclosure tliirty feet square, strewn witli bone- dust. The roi^es must be made of fresh uniljil- ieal cords padded with absorbent cotton. 4. The weapons employed must be hypodermic syringes charged to the brin] with a narcotic. 5. The syringe, with needle attached, must Ije held in the right hand, Avhilo the left arm is em- ployed in guarding. 6. The needles must be thrust into the veins ; otherwise the contest will be declared a draw. 7. The contest is to take ^^lace in rounds, six rounds constituting the contest. Both men realized that the night's contest might result in death, and their wills were made in accordance with this knowledge. Transo'ipt of the Dill of Dr. Jjah'talts^ Yclept ''Big Lip:' "Isthmus of Fauces, December 8, 1894. "My association with patients has taught me the uncertainty of life ; I therefore i:)ronounce this my last will and testament. I bequeath to the Society for the Prevention of Tautology my entire medical library. In this bequest I am dictated by the conviction that the compilation '-^ h-t t— • -5 "^ s si.1 " - w — . S -^ i S 3! 1 § ^ - ?» O *i ^ o ^ ■> S< S r3 o — < • ^ a c o B :: O * C; re •a * § S- CO S, id * 2. S 7 5, 's re 1^ S "3 J-. re re 33 ■3, s 1 s =• 00 S r»- *- re C " both men ap- proacli<;d the center of the ring. 15 J: TRE Aj}iTISEFTIC CLUB. Bound No. 1. Both men were cautious and looked for an opening. Dr. Labialis made a clever feint with his left, and led with his right at the epigastric vein of Dr. Inferior, the latter dexterously avoid- ing tlie needle by a movement of inspiration. Dr. Labialis then led with his needle for his op- ponent's jugular, which the latter again evaded by a forcible contraction of the sterno-cleido-mas- toid muscle. Up to this time Dr. Inferior was on the defensive, but, disregarding at this critical moment all knowledge of venous anatomy, he rushed at Dr. Inferior, thrusting the needle into all the convenient points of his body. There followed considerable in-fighting, with numerous punctures, and the gong now sounding, both men retired to their respective corners. Dr. Labialis looked like a fresh porous plaster, while Dr. Inferior looked like a blood-sieve. While the bleeding was being controlled by means of l)rushes, which were applied to the bodies of the competitors after being dipped into ;i barrel of chloride-of-iron solution which was standing in the ring, the celebrated surgeon, A HYPODERM AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 155 Dr. Uvula, fainted. He had never seen blood before, inasmuch as his operations were always bloodless. Bound No. 2. On the call of " Time" both men approached the center of the ring with their needles and fear. Dr. Inferior feinted with his left, which Dr. Labi- alis avoided by ducking into the chloride-of-iron solution. After the physician was drawn out of the solution the hypoderm was declared a draw for Dr. Labialis, The bleeding from the punctures of Dr. Infe- rior was so profuse that it was not controlled until the arrival of a police officer, who arrested the hemorrhage at once. The contest was not complete without the cry of " Fake," and forthwith an investigating com- mittee was appointed, to appease the dissatisfied members. The report of the committee was as follows : " Your committee begs leave to report that the cry of 'Fake' was justified. The competitors, knowing that according to the * Antiseptic Club j^56 TH^ ANTISEPTIC CLVB. Rules' the veins must be pimetnred, prepared themselves accordingly. The committee found that Dr. Labialis had developed an artificial cu- taneous emphysema, which rendered his veins in- visible and well protected, while Dr. Inferior had had his veins previously excised. He had further- more adopted the expedient of having an artist draw on his body the course of the veins, thus practicing double deception. Your committee begs to suggest that in future hypoderms should be discontinued, not only because they are harm- less in their results, but because they conduce to deception. The members of this committee would furthermore suggest as more certain of results the following form of duello, viz., that the duelists submit themselves to the treatment of Dr. Peroneus Brevis, the homeopathist, until one or the other of the contestants succumbs." Dr. Compressor Nasi moved the acceptance of the report of the committee, which was duly sec- onded and finally carried. Dr. Anconeus reported the discovery of a new microbe as the pathogenic organism of neuras- thenia. Dr. Anconeus was prominent as a dis- coverer. His discoveries were of an anticipatory A RYPODEIiJd AT IRE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. I57 nature and were only imaginary. When a real discovery had been made, he had the benefit of claiming priority by referring to a previous ar- ticle. He was also prolific in his recommendation of new remedies for the cure of urethritis — rec- ommendations which were as useless in doing good as they were valuable in furthering his prominence. The meeting adjourned. VIII. A DENTAL CLINIC AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 159 seeks a positive clue to the per- sonal cleanli- ness of his pa- tient should ex- amine the teeth of the latter. A person with bad teeth, or even false teeth, is from necessity a pessimist, for how can he appreciate the benef- icence of nature when he is denied the enjoy- ment of a substantial meal? Thus we must re- gard the dentist as a faithful sentinel who guards the portal to our alimentary canal. 160 CHAPTER VIII. A DENTAL CLINIC AT THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. HEN the pertussis-bacilli in the time-cnlture clock had tvhopped to the hour of eight the president called the meet- ing to order. Dr. Coracobrachialis then arose and addressed the chair. In a, voice quiv- ering with outraged dignity and properly modu- lated to suit the time and occasion, he announced that, as president of the Society for the Sup- pression of Suggestive Names, he wished to offer the following resolution : " That the phrase ' aseptic surgery ' should he substituted by the phrase 'gluteal surgery' in the protocols of the clnl>." Dr. Multifidus Spina', in accordance with the IGl 162 ^^E Ah^TtSEPTIC CLUB. reform instituted by the preceding speaker, of- fered the following resolution : " That, in deference to a linguistic anomaly adopted by many of the proletariat, who desig- nate their ' best girl ' as bladder, therefore, ^^ Resolved, That in the future deliberations of the club the term renal reservoir be employed to denominate the urinary bladder," The resolutions were adoi3ted unanimously. Dr. Coracobraehialis read a paper on the fol- lowing subject : " Medical Examinations for Life- insurance." In his pajier he referred to the well- recognized fact that life-insurance companies were not circumspect enough in the employment of medical examiners. In fact, in the selection of the latter every requirement was regarded with the exception of one, and that was the ability of the examiner to make a medical examination. He deplored this state of things. It was crimi- nal negligence on the part of life-insurance com- panies to conduct their business on such un- businesslike principles. " Is not the safety of life-insurance companies," said the speaker, " de- pendent on the longevity of tl i eir patron s ? " The farcical examinations tolerated by even the best A DENTAL CLISIC. 1(33 companies were a serious menace to their per- manence. He believed that it would redound to the benefit of the companies if they would establish post-graduate schools for the special ■education of physicians as life-insurance exam- iners. A competent medical examination for life-in- surance belonged to the most difficult provinces of diagnosis, for it was largely olgective, and it was really the practice of veterinary medicine on malingerers. Wliy should incompetent men, as a result of an incompetent examination, such as mistaking phosphates in the urine for albumin, or anemic for organic heart-murmurs, make it difficult or even impossil^le for a healthy man to secure further insurance on his life? The speaker had established a clinic for the prepara- tion of rejected <-anear by checking the heart's action, this candidate was taught to inhibit the latter by forcibly contracting the muscles of the neck. Accepted. Case No. 4. Rejected on account of a severe eruption on the skin of questionable character. The use of a flesh-colored paint artistically applied resulted in the acceptance of the candidate by another company. The president assured the reader of the paper that it was really unnecessary to disguise dis- ease, however gross, for eventually an examiner of- some company could be found who would ac- cept any candidate. A jjEyiAL cLiyiv. 1(35 Dr. Peetoralis Major remarked that lie was an examiner for a prominent life-insurance com- pany. He had been intimidated by an agent for that company because he had the hardihood to reject a candidate. The agent, fearful of losing his commission, threatened to take, and did take, the candidate to another physician for the same company, and he was accepted. " Since then," concluded the speaker, " the agent has referred all his cases to the other physician for examina- tion." The president announced that he would give his decision in a matter which Avas referred to him by one 'of the meml^ers. The latter had at- tended the family of a prominout merchant, who was himself a graduate of a medical college. The merchant and phj^sician refused to pay a moder- ate fee for services rendered, on the ground that medical men and their families were entitled to free professional services. The question had been referred to liim for arbitration. He be- lieved that the member of the club was entitled to paymout for his services. PTo had learned that the merchant liad gi"ali, read before tlie To- bacco Ti'ust, h(i had characteriziMl lohacco as a heart-tonic. Dr. (.'ordis i-esponded ilial he would not modify his oi'iginal statement, \i/., that the action of tobacco Vcirie every time he signed his name with appendage. 158 2'^^' Ay'TisEriic club. His name, when completed, read as follows : I. I. Molaris, A.M., M.D., D.D.S., D.M.D., L.D.S., I.F.I.L.L., T.E.E.T.H., and so forth, etc., etc., ad infinitum. Dr. Molaris had also invented a dental bur, on which his name and several degrees were stamped. The name and degrees, however, were the only valual)le parts of the bur, and for that reason its use had been" limited to ornamental purposes only. Dr. Molaris was eminent in his i^rofession, notwithstanding the fact that he was a very poor dentist. His distinction lay in his nicely appointed offices, in his several degrees, and, finall}", in the fact that he was president of a prominent odontological society. He was pro- fessor of dental ethics in a dental college, and he could well afford to be, for he was very rich. Before acquiring his wealth and position he had demonstrated his contempt for dental ethics by advertising. His present position in the dental college was in the light of atonement for his past conduct, by showing others how to be good — a task which was as easy for him as for others who could afford to be good. It was an agreeable task to philosophize with the misfortunes of others. A DENTAL CLIXIC. IQ() 111 liis preliminary remarks Dr. Molaris paid a high tribute to dentists, who, in the midst of so mueh pain, courageously bore the sufferings of others. " The best thing out," said the speaker, " is an aching tooth." He referred to the simil- itude of dentistry and midwifery, and inciden- tally alluded to the fact that " forceps delivery " was frequently i)racticed in the extraction of teeth. He could not forego the temptation of crediting the immortal Shakespeare with some new distinction, and the members were not sur- prised when he referred to the bard as having been a skilled dentist. He quoted "sans teeth" in corroboration of his ingenious theory. He paid a tribute of respect to the memory of the late lamented Dr. Salivary Calculus, and to his beautiful thrrnudy entitled "The Lament of the Dying Pulp." He next alluded to the negligent custom among dentists of disregarding aseptic, or, more correctly speaking, gluteal surgery. He presented the following cases : Case No. 1. This gentleiiKiii had swallowed a set of false teeth. Soon after he experienced a gnawing 170 ^ii^ ANTL^iEl'TlC VLLIi. sensation in the stoniacli, and still later a feel- ing of weight in the rectum. This j)ronipted him to consult the celeljrated rectal specialist, Dr. Sphincter Ani, who, after a cursory examination, informed him that ho needed the services of a dentist. Thus it was that the patient had come under his care. Case No. 2. This patient had suffered from undue indul- gence in milk-punches. Dr. Hyperplasia Cere- bralis, the eminent pathogenician of nervous dis- eases, had attributed the excessive indulgence to the persistence of milk-teeth, and advised their removal. This was done, with the remarkable result that the patient had discontinued the milk and up to the present time took nothing else but the punches. Case No. '.]. In presenting this case of dental caries Dr. Mo- laris, who was a master of polysyllaljic and met- aplioric technology, defined a dental cavity as follows: a degenerative, molecular, disintegrat- ing lesion, resulting in a solution of contin- uity concurrent with pain, which the sufferer A DENTAL CLINtC. \-^\ wished to have eliminated, with the object of coutribiitius; to his somatic comfort. When the patient was freed from his pain it was the. only l^ainfnl parting that he could ever enjoy. He had removed the pain of this patient by remov- ing the offending tooth. It was noted that during the discourse of Dr. Molaris he constantly employed the term "we/' and the president reminded Dr. Molaris that only a royal person or one with a tapeworm was entitled to say " we." Dr. Molaris replied that on the first count he was entitled to say " we," for he claimed to have cerulean blood in his veins, aiid that while he had no crown on his head he had a gold one on his right molar tooth, and he felt that under the circumstances it was more serviceable in his mouth than on his head. While he had no tape- worm he consoled himself for his incomplete intestinal fnuna by speaking French, and the ac- quisition of that language entitled him to say " we." Dr. Sphincter Ani, in coiDnKMit iiig on Ihc (ii'st case presented by Dr. Molaris, wished to relate 172 tUe antiseptic club. the history of an analogous case. A man had come to him for examination, with the history of having swallowed a false tooth. A rectal exam- ination demonstrated the presence of the tooth, and he had referred the case to an oculist. Dr. Molaris asked the preceding speaker why the case was not referred to a dentist. Dr. Ani replied that the case was not in the province of a dentist, for it was an eye-tooth which he had discovered. Dr. Nasi spoke disparagingly of dentistry as a specialty of medicine. He said that dentists, when they had acquired a medical degree, often distinguished themselves from their fellow-den- tists by calling themselves oral surgeons, because an operation performed by such a surgeon never spoke for itself. Dr. Nasi regarded a tooth as an inadequate emblem of vitality. He likened it to a corn, a nail, or even a hair, and for that reason the chiropodist, manicure, or barber could arrogate his business to the dignity of a specialty of medicine. The president reminded Dr. Nasi that the den- tist of to-day was a person of superior attain- ments, and, although comparisons were invidious, A DENTAL CLINIC. I73 he had no hesitancy in saying that it was often more difficult to fill a tooth than amputate a limb. Dr. Coracobrachialis referred to the danger of syphilitic infection from dental operations about the mouth. If a medical education had only for its object the detection of syphilitic-mouth lesions a dentist would be amply repaid for his additional course of study. There were few dentists "who sterilized their instruments, and as for a dentist having a special set of tools for syphilitic patients, he had never heard of one. An aseptic dentist was a rarity. He had very little faith in teeth unless they were false ones ; " and the fact is," concluded the speaker, "that the only kind of teeth that will last and one gets last are false teeth." Dr. Molaris concluded the dentnl clinic by a lesson in objective diagnosis which mei-it(Hl the consideration of the medical practitioner. He requested one of the members who was unknown to him to present his teeth for examination, and by a mere inspection he would reveal an almost complete history of that person. One of the membors presented himself for ex- 174 TEE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. ainiiiation. The following is a synopsis of the examination : Examination. Conclusion. There are fifteen teeth The subject has lost in the moutli, and the right seventeen teeth, and now molar tooth shows an ex- suffers from toothache, posed palp. The distal surface of The subject had dined the second bicuspid tooth that evening at the "An- sliows a ca\dty, the con- tisepticum," where a par- tents of which is a partic- ticular kind of clieese only ular kind of cheese. was sold. The tartar on his teeth The subject is left- is especiall}^ abundant on handed, inchned to be the left side of the mouth, and contains organisms which are found only in the water derived fi*om YeHow HiU. filthy in his habits, dis- regards tooth-powder, and lives in Yellow Hill. In the right central in- cisor is a very poor rolled- gold contour-filling. His dentist is Dr. Alloy, who is alone capable of doing such inferior work. The teeth on the left side of mouth are stained by tobacco-smoke, while Tlie subject smokes a pipe and chews tobacco. The former is held on the A DEMAL CLtXIC. ^[75 Examination. Conclusion. the crown surfaces of mo- left side of his mouth, lar teetli on the right side while his ehewiug is done are stained hy tobacco- on the riglit side. juice. The gums are swollen as The subject must be a a result of mercurial in- member of the Antiseptic toxication. Club. On the buccal surf ace of This amalgam composi- second upper right molar tion is only used in Ger- tooth is an amalgam filling many, and it is most likely which shows on analysis a that the subject is a Ger- definite composition. man or w^as at some time in Germany. The tooth just descril)ed Tt is unlikely that the gives morphological evi- subject will ever acquire deiicc of lict-cditni-y sy])h- sy])]iilis. ihs. Tlio pr(\si(l('iit aiiiioimced that tlio doiital clinic was <'<)iiclii(l('(l, aii\ means of corporeal ])roj(^('tion he would assist divination. He had no doubt that his paper would }irove of interest to the club, as the desire to liv(^ was actuated as much by cui'i- osity regarding the possibilities of the future as by a fear of death. A Synopsis of the Paper of Br. Anticus. T have just ari'ived in San Francisco, ilie hk^ 1ro]>olis of theT"^iiite(l Stat(^sof A m('i'ica,.\.i). 1945. I am visibly impressed with the tran(|uillityof my 184 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. surroundings. I find that the passing vehicles, opei'ated by electromotor power, create no noise. I find the cause for this quietude to be resident in the pavement, which. is composed of a soft, yielding substance, resembling sponge. I say aloud, " This is indeed reniarkal^le," when I am at once. surrounded by a large crowd. On inquir- ing the cause of this large concourse of people, I am informed that my voice sounds like thunder in their ears ; that since tlie introduction in their city of bibulous pavenient their sense of hearing has become unusually acnte. After informing the people that I am a stranger in their city, one of the number conducts me to a large building called the Strangerium. This is a bureau of information, supported by the muni- cipality, where for an antiseptic tablet (gold and silver being demonetized owing to the scarcity of antiseptics) one could engage the services of a guide, called a strmujerist. The latter received fifty antiseptic tablets a month for his services, and was so profoundly educated that he carried his head in a sort of sling, to lend additional support to his ponderous brain. The strangerist conducted me about the city. TRE STATE OF MEDICINE IN IO45. 1^5 I see no signs indicating the existence of phy- sicians, and I ask my guide concerning the mat- ter. He informs me that owing to an ocnhir affection known as polijojiia, which had become quite common twenty-five years ago on account of the great numljer of signs which indicated the locations of physicians, the municipahty had to restrict the number of signs to one, and this, he considered, was quite sufficient. I asked him to conduct me to tlie office of a prominent physi- cian. He hailed a i^assing electromotor and we soon reached our destination. On leaving the motor I handed to the conducitor an antiseptic tablet as fare, and he said, " Thank you," which so unnerved me that I sought for the cause of this unheard-of courtesv. The strangerist in- formed me tliat the authorities made it obliga- tory for all employees of the municipality to ex- ercise tliis inexpensive respect to its patrons. He said, furtliermore, tliat "courtesy was no longer looked upon as an expression of inferiority." Ill front of ]iie I saw a peculiarly constructed luiilding, which the strangerist informed m<^ was a liospital. It was l»nilt of iron sheeting and in winter was covered with felt. It could Igg THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. be readily taken apart by the removal of a few bolts. In fact, the hospital was taken down monthly and cleansed by means of heat. Many openings could be seen in the fagade of the build- ing, covered by a framework of cotton. The latter, so the guide informed me, was for the purpose of filtering the air. He assured me that by this means, which was only a mild recognition of the nutritive value of air, disease had become more tractable and convalescence was curtailed. Disease, continued h<^, was now recognized only as a symptom. We finally arrived at the office of the promi- nent physician. I was surprised to meet a young man, without hair on his face, who addressed me in the most familiar manner, without any sem- l)lance of dignity. " Surely," said I to the stran- gerist, "you nuist be mistaken; this cannot l)e a prominent physician; where is his dignity?" The physician overheard my question. He told me that physicians attained their position of prominence not by virtue of any assumed dig- nity, but by competitive examination. He re- ferred to his habiliments, which I observed were made of aluminum. Said he, " Even the clothes THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN 194o. Ig? I wear do not distiiigiiish me from a layman." He conveyed to me the following information : The nnmber of physicians was limited by law. Only a definite number of matriculates was ad- mitted each year to the Medical University, which was supported by the State. The matriculates were recruited from the honor men of the liter- ary colleges. Physicians were not in demand for the treatment of disease. Disease had become almost obsolete, for two reasons : First, because the laity knew that nearly all diseases had their origin in the stomac^li and intestines, from inju- dicious eating ; and ever since the introduction of the active constituents of food, and their admin- istration by capsules, tliey rarely snffered fi'om disease. Tlie foi-nicr nse of food was a misappli- cation. Tt was used to conciliate the palate and not nutrition. Food was often emploj^ed as a vehicle for condiniciils. One did not enjoy the food of a meal; but enjoyed its preparation. When the people first began taking their capsular food they suffered, in deference to habit, from a sense of vacuity, which they soon dispelled by swallowing compressed pellets of absorbent cot- ton. The latter gave them a permanent sensa- 188 • ^^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUB. tion of fullness. The other reason was this : that the laity knew that physicians could only cure curable diseases, which was tantamount to the admission that nature was the best physician. They employed physicians chiefly when alarmed at impending death, for then they had the sat- isfaction of saying that the physician con- nived with death to cheat the patient out of his life. Physicians were divided into the following classes : 1. Prophylacticians. 2. Consultants. 3. Orchotomists. 4. Lethalists. The propliylacticians were appointed by the government. Their essential duty was to pre- vent disease. In this they were abetted by elim- inating the sophistry of the early bacteriologists, who, by accomplishing nothing therapeutically, demonstrated conclusively the fallacy of their inquiries. The present school of medicine had taken cognizance of microbes purely as accidental factors of a soil which invited their presence. If the microbes thrived it was attributable to the TSE STATE OF MEDICINE IN 1945. igO munificence of tlieir host, the soil. Without the soil they would die of inanition. The present school, recognizing these facts, eliminated the soil by instituting a crusade against dirt, and this period in the history of medicine would always be known as the age of cleanliness. The result of this crusade has been the absolute ex- tinction of many infectious diseases like typhoid fever, cholera, diphtheria, and smallpox. Anti- septics were now used under protest as inetfi- cient succedanea of cleanliness. Emissaries were sent out by the prophylacticians to preach the gospel of cleanliness. It was also the duty of the prophylacticians to furinsh thermoregula- tors to all persons in their district. The tlier- moregulators were attached to tlie person and maintained the corporeal heat at a definite tem- perature. Since their inti-oduction respiratory diseases were exceedingly rare, and pathologists clamored loudly for more material. Tliere was such a dearth of morbid material that it was only a question of time when pathologists would be- come obsolete. Without a permit from a ju-ophy- lactician marriages could not take place. The family and antecedent history of the parties con- 190 THE ANTtSEPTiC CLUB. templatiiig marriage received the most careful attention before wedlock was sanctioned. This hygienic inquiry did not detract from the senti- ment or permanence of matrimony ; on the con- trary, divorces were only spoken of as a matter of history. The progeny of such marriages re- ceived health as a heritage, the most sublime gift which parents can bequeath to their children. Mentally or pliysically perverse individuals were not allowed, in consequence, to propagate their infirmities. The second class of physicians was the consul- tants. They were independent practitioners of medicine, whose counsel was sought in grave maladies. It was not always necessarj^ for them to visit the sick, owing to the great improve- ments made in the phonograph and telephone. By means of the former the respiratory and heart sounds were carefully registered and the borders of organs defined. The phonogram thus taken was transmitted to the consultant, who was able, unprejudiced by the subjective symptoma- tology, to render an impartial opinion. By means of a photographic attachment to the phonograph the appearance of the patient, or any special mo- tor phenomena, received careful registration. THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN 1945. 191 The orcliotomists were appointed by the State. They castrated all individuals guilty of capital crimes. The death penalty had long been abol- ished, as the law had recognized the injustice of casting a stigma for all time on an innocent family for a crime committed by one of its members. The orcliotomists committed all per- sons guilty of violation of the law to Mental Reform Institutions established and supported by the commonwealth. Crimes and vices Avere recognized as traits of heredity, and as clearly suggestive of a diseased mind as was insanity. Owing to the hygienic surveillance of marriages the Mental Reform Institutions were nearly de- populated. The duty of the lethalists was to secure eutha- nasia in all cases of incuraljle disease. The esti- mate placed on lit'<^ was computed from the standpoint of healtli. In consequence of the laws which demanded the death of nil individ- uals suffering from incurable diseases, cripples were unknown, and residence on earth had Ix'- come a veritable Elysium. Tlu^ building used for effecting the object of the lethalists was called the Eu thai /. as I am. When the physician had concluded his remarks 192 ^'^^' ANTISEI'TIC CLUB. a gentleman was announced, the celebrated homo- morphologist, Dr. Modernism. It was bis X)rov- ince to discover similarities between ordinary things and pathological conditions. It was he who had compared the appearance of a gummy tumor to the condition of a base-ball after being struck by the bat of a celebrated base-ball player. Many other remarkable similitudes of the day owed their origin to him. He was also renowned as a nomenclaturist, and he assured me in confi- dence that the discovery of new diseases was not nearly as difficult as the discovery of appropriate names for them. He asseverated that no physi- cian could lay claims to distinction until he* had discovered a new disease. If the present progress in the discovery of new diseases continued all physicians would become distinguished in a few years' time. He gave me his card, which read as follows : "Dr. Modernism, " Proprietor of the Vital Clinical Museum." I learned on inquiry that the museum con- sisted of living pathological specimens, which weve loaned or sold, for purposes of instruction, THE STATE OF MEDICINE IX 1945. j^93 to the various medical colleges. His catalogue embraced many affections which even now we regard as obsolete. He had a manufactory in connection with his estaljlishment, and freaks could be manufactured to order. Clinical lec- turers vied with one another in being able to first present these freaks to their classes. He gave me the following circular, which read as follows : "the human supply company. " (Incorporated with a capital of unlimited gall, pancreatic juice, etc.) " This company has been organized in response to a long-felt want. It has constantly on hand fresh bile, gastric juice, and pancreatic secretion for the consumption of biliary, gastric, or pan- creatic dyspeptics. The juices are obtained from healthy persons, who have been rendered immune to all infectious diseases by protec- tive inoculation. Price of bile, fi'om 100 to 200 antiseptic tablets a gram, according to quality. " Teeth, spleens, ovnries, and other organs sup- plied on demand." 194 T^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUB. I wish now to present a page extracted from a novel, for the purpose of demonstrating the realism of the age. It is as follows : " MRS. JOHN SMITH, THE CHAEMING DIVOECED Wn)OW OF TAE FLAT. " The sun was casting remorseless rays on the magnificent cloak establishment of 'Johnston, Brown & Co.,' and all nature was radiant with a verdure {use ' Glen^s Pills for the Liver ') that could only be likened to the incomparable ' Smith Dyes.' Suddenly there emerged from the ' Johns- ton-Brown Store' a charming widow, clad in a tight-fitting, nickel-plated dress made by the ' Novelty Hardware Company.' ( WhaVs the mat- ter with *" Mills'' s Regulator ' f) She was very rich, was the widow, and nature, to compensate her for this misfortune, endowed her with an abun- dance of ignorance. You might reasonably ask, kind reader, why she didn't patronize the unpro- gressive store of Pachycephalus & Co. (They don't advertise with us.) I will tell you. The store of the aforesaid firm was on an extremely narrow street, and the widow was very obese. THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN IO4.5. ^95 Now every time the widow wanted to go there she had to take an antit'at diet. You say, dear reader, tliat this must have been quite inconve- nient for the widow, and it was indeed so. " She was not alone. No, indeed ! the ' Johns- ton-Brown Store ' was too well patronized for a catastrophe of that kind. As before remarked, the charming widow was decidedly not alone. {Get your reading-material at Suiith''s, 24 Jerome Street.) She wore earrings, and an expression such as could only be produced by the ' Acme Dimplifier.' {3 insertions 50 cents a tetter.) As she espied a man coming the other way, she rec- ollected it was Toby Flynn. Yes, yes ! it was the gay and deceitful Toby, wearing a new pair of 'patent ventilated' shoes bought ;ii- the 'Globe Stores.' {ThniH for (jet the mont/er, ;J4(i.) ' Hello, Toby ! ' said tlie charming widow, as she tossed a kiss at the approaching figui'e. {Moj/ci/ advanced on stomach-tuhes at the Hcdl Loan OJ/ice.) 'Hello, yourself ! ' said he of the approaching figure. Then all was still, although ever and anon the ventilating action of Toby's shoes could be heai-d in 1h(! dim distance. {Grand emetic tournament every night at the ' Theatre Dyspeptigue.^) " 196 T^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUB. I wish next to call your attention to the fol- lowing, viz., the Veracity Club, the Society for tJie Perpetuation of Prevarication, the Ball of the Neu- ropaths, and, finally, to the Biennial Conclave of the Sequential Luetics. I will first describe a meeting which I attended at the Veracity Club, a medical organization where truth was lavishly dispensed in all its nu- dity. At the ui>per part of the meeting-room was a beautifully executed grouji of statuary in marble, representing truth, honesty, and courage. Truth was represented as a young physician tell- ing an envious friend what a very small practice he had ; honesty was described as a druggist fill- ing a prescription without substitution ; while courage was portrayed as a gynecologist refusing to perform a laparotomy. The president of the club was described as a model of veracity. Before studyiug medicine he had been a gas-meter inspector, and the company with which he had been connected subsequently became insolvent. He had also been a homeoj)a- thist and had publicly denounced its absurdities. The time set for the meeting to commence was 8 P.M., but it was fully fifteen minutes THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN 1945. 197 later before the president breathlessly entered the room. He regretted that he was unavoid- ably detained, though not by an urgent case, the conventional subterfuge of the dilatory physician. " The fact is," said the president, " I haven't had a patient to-day. The real reason of my delay," he continued, " was a little altercation with my wife, and she emphasized her side of the argu- ment by hitting me on the head with a ' God Bless our Home ' motto." The bump was demonstrated to the club, and one member injudiciously referred to it as a " home production." " My wife," said the president, " complained of my frequent association with the members of this club, and denounced you gentlemen as a lot of narrow-minded idiots whose mental development was stunted by your interminable conceit." Dr. Incontinentia Larjmgis hereupon arose and addressed the chair. He thought the wife of the president was almost right. Scientists were like irulividuals sufporing from liominnopsia — they saw things only in one way. The majority of them were exhaustingly mimetic, and it was rare to find a genius among them. X98 ^^^ ANTISEPTIC CLUB. Dr. Constipatio Laryngis observed that genius was an anomalons condition, and if the anomaly were transferred from the mental to the physical being the possessor would in all probability be a freak at a dime museum or possess unusual manual dexterity, like a juggler or pianist. The president observed that the preceding speaker was unjustified in comparing a musician to a juggler. " Only the other night," continued the president, " at ' The Antisepticum,' where the air was infiltrated with the effluvia of limburger, the musicians whom you condemn took that very air and transformed it into a sound-picture which you regarded as beautiful." Dr. Laryngis replied that he only inveighed against classical music, which was dislocated har- mony. It was constructed of mathematical, inharmonious vibrations which were mutually repellent. Classica composers he regarded as sufferers from insanity of the auditory centers. It was a mimetic, gregarious public that contrib- uted to the perpetuation of this insanity. As for himself, he owed too much to his personal comfort to allow himself to be governed by public opinion. Mental were less frequent than THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN 1945. I99 physical freaks, and therefore commanded more consideration. The i>resident next announced a paper on " Laparotomy," by Dr. Atrophia Cerebralis. THE PAPER OF DE. CEEEBEALIS. " I will neither review the history of laparoto- my nor will I define the term. It would he pre- sumption on my part to do so. It would express my utter contempt for your ignorance. During the last twenty years I have performed seven laparotomies, with the following results: death in all the cases. The operation was performed in tlie seven cases for the following reasons: in five cases a diagnosis of cancer was made, which ])rove(l to he incorrect in all the cases; whereas in the other two cases the operation was per- formed in expectation of l)Ountiful fees. It is my duty to describe the operation only to the extent of publishing something new. I recog- nize it to be an unwritten law among surgeons to make some modification of an operation. I have modifie«l llie usual operation in this, that ray first incision only includes Hk^ epidermis. 200 T^E ANTISEPTIC CLUB. This niodification secures sterilization of the cut- ting-edge of the knife prior to its encroachment on the vascular cutis. Before terminating this unusually long paper let me formulate my con- clusions : (1) Laparotomy is more frequently in- dicated in rich than in poor patients; (2) it is also indicated when the incorrectness of the clinical diagnosis must be substantiated by the autopsy; (3) it is also indicated when clinical material is needed and when reputations must be established." Dr. Cortex Cerebri arose to address the chair, but the president assured him that he was a success only as a passively oral member, and if it were not for such members medical societies could not exist. " Speech," continued the presi- dent, " is a secretion or excretion of the mind. In your case it is an excretion." With many people silence was only ignorance concealed by discretion. " It is late," said the president of the Vera- city Club, " and not one of the members is able to say anything new on the subject of this even- ing's uninteresting paper ; therefore I will adjourn the meeting." THE STATE OE ilEDKTXE IX 1045. 201 The folio wiDg page is extracted from the cata- logue of the museum of the Society for the Per- petuatiou of Prevarication : "This museum was founded for the express purpose of perpetuating prevarication and emu- lating the musea of Europe. An electric car goes through the museum every five minutes. The admission fee is thirty antiseptic tablets. The fee for children under twelve years of age is fifteen antiseptic tablets. Children desirous of being admitted at reduced rates must be accom- panied by an affidavit setting forth their age. The trained microbes will j^erform daily at 4 p.m. Visitors will please abstain from feeding the bac- teria with nuts and candies. "eoom for imaginative C.y:,ISTHENICS. " Specimen 1. — Old sock of Columbus. Ladies need express no apprehension in approaching the hermetically sealed jar. " Specimen 2. — Brain of Columbus. There is only one other autlientic specimen in existence. "Portrait 1. — Picture of a celebrated obste- 202 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. ti'ician who is said never to have invented nor modified a pair of obstetrical forceps. " Portrait 2. — Picture of a pliysician who re- fused a fee (authenticity questioned)." The following program will furnish you with some idea relative to the interesting features embodied at the " Ball of the Neuropaths " : BALL OF THE NEUKOPATHS. Mime hi/ the Cerchrosj)inal Band. 1. Grrand March of the Neurasthenics. 2. Epileptic Dance. Galvanic Eefreshments. 3. Contortion Waltz, l)y Nervous Prostrates. 4. Hysterical Mazurka. Faradic Refreshments. 5. The Opisthotonos Arch, by Epileptics. 6. Grand Mai, by Epileptics. Massage and Cold-water Affusions. 7. Grand Tournament of Nerve- waste. (Three Prizes.) 8. Convalescent Fantasia, by the Band, en- titled: "What is Life without Bromides T' THE STATE OF MEDIC tXE IN 194S. 203 The "Biennial Conclave of the Sequential Luetics" is always regarded as an important event in San Francisco. The requirements for membership were essentially as follows : 1. Proof of previous immorality. 2. A desire to inhibit the dissemination of syphilis and to restrain prostitution. 3. The possession of some affection sequential to lues. The first requirement, although indefinite in its scope, embodied the paradox that any previous violation of virtue was in itself, without any further proof, a sufficient ground for the assump- tion that the transgressor had exposed himself to infection and was in consequence more likely to have contracted than escaped syphilis. The means employed in preventing the dis- semination of syphihs and restraining prostitu- tion was indirectly accomplished ])y regarding prostitution as an effect Jind not a cause. By reconstructing society on a different basis, by the establishment of lectureships on venereal diseases, and, finally, l)y the inq)osition of a tax on the unmarried state and the punishment of immorality by orchotomy, prostitution had be- come almost obsolete. 204 ^^-^ ANTtSEPTtC CLUB. An important object of tlie society was the promotion of fellowship, on the principle that misery likes company, and that it is some conso- lation to know that some other fellow is worse than yourself. The meeting took place in a large room, the walls of which were covered with glass cases and indented by niches. The former were destined for the purpose of preserving medicines which had proved to be of value in the sequences of syphilis. They were all empty. The niches were designed for holding the busts of physicians who had made important researches in the treatment of late syphilitic manifestations. They were like- wise unoccui^ied. A marble statue of Mercury occupied a prominent place in the uj^per part of the hall, below which was the following inscrip- tion : '' Our faith in thee, our metal and our god. Is on this earth or underneath the sod." In a less prominent position at the lower end of the hall was a statue of Venus, constructed of mud, bearing the following inscription : " We worshiped at thy shrine, but now do grieve ; Misfortune's wrought — there's no reprieve." THE STATE OF MEDICINE IN IO4S. 205 I remained at the meeting' only long enough to witness tlie ceremonies attendant on the elec- tion of a president. When the ek^'tion of a president was announced twenty tabetic indi- viduals dechired themselves as candidates. After the floor of the meeting-room was cleared, and the soles of the feet of the tabetics were chalked, they all toed a line ; and at a given signal they began to walk. I noticed that the individual who showed the most pronounced ataxia was elected presiding officer. After the conclusion of Dr. Anticus's paper the Antiseptic Club adjourned sine die. 206 THE ANTISEPTIC CLUB. 1 AA 000 245 327 2 ir S^^l v Si s£ t toSiiH