6037 
 S966m
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 Kenneth Maogowan
 
 m UBRAR^
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN 
 
 H Cornell? in Ubree Bets 
 
 BY 
 
 ALFRED SUTRO 
 
 AUTHOR OF "THE WAI.LS OF JERICHO," " A MARRIAGE HAS 
 
 BEEN ARRANGED," " A MAKER OF MEN," "THE 
 
 GUTTER OF TIME," "A GAME OF CHESS," 
 
 "MR. STEINMANN'S CORNER," 
 
 "CARROTS." 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY SAMUEI, FRENCH 
 
 LONDON 
 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 
 
 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET, 
 
 STRAND, LONDON, 
 
 NEW YORK 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 24 WEST 22D STREET
 
 The following is a copy of the original programme : 
 
 ST. JAMES THEATRE 
 
 KING STREET, S.W. 
 
 Monday, February 13th, 1905. 
 
 THIS EVENING AT 9 
 
 WILL BE ACTED 
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN 
 
 A New and Original Comedy in Three Acts 
 BY ALFRED SUTRO. 
 
 " I wish it to be distinctly understood that, my scientific investigations 
 notwithstanding, I still regard woman as an amiable creature." 
 
 ON WOMEN: Introduction.) 
 
 Mr. Mollentrave .............. MR. ERIC LEWIS. 
 
 Sir Joseph Balsted, K.C., M. P. MR. NORMAN McKiNNEL. 
 Everard S wen boys ........... MR. LESLIE FABER. 
 
 Lord Contareen .............. MR. ROBERT HORTON. 
 
 Mr. Dexter ................... MR. E. VIVIAN REYNOLDS. 
 
 Mr. Noyes .................... MR. GERALD JEROME. 
 
 Peters.. ..................... MR. E. H. BROOKE. 
 
 Martin ....................... MR. MURRAY CARRINGTON. 
 
 Lady Claude Derenham ....... Miss MARION TERRY. 
 
 Margaret Messilent ........... Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX. 
 
 Miss Treable .................. Miss NORA GREENLAW. 
 
 Mrs. Martelli. . . MRS. KEMMIS. 
 
 ACT I. Study in Sir Joseph Balsted's House. 
 
 ACT II. Drawing-room in Mr. Mollentrave's House. 
 
 ACT III. Garden of Mr. Mollentrave's House at Swanage. 
 
 TIME The Present. 
 
 572674
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 ACT I 
 
 Time of Representation, forty minutes. 
 SCENE. 
 
 P. S. 
 
 HAND PROPS. 
 
 Book (Mollentrave on Women). 
 Bag (for Noyes). 
 Flowers (Everard). 
 Photographs on Mantelpiece.
 
 r 
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 ACT. I. 
 
 SIR JOSEPH BALSTED'S study, in his house in Hans 
 Place. 
 
 Miss TREABLE, MARGARET'S companion, a faded 
 lady of uncertain age, is fingering the photo- 
 graph on the mantelpiece R. MRS. MARTELLI, 
 the housekeeper, a grim-faced, elderly woman, 
 dressed in stiff black silk, opens the door and 
 enters L. 3 E. Miss TREABLE, absorbed in a 
 photograph she holds in her hand, does not 
 notice her. MRS. MARTELLI coughs emphati- 
 ally. 
 
 Miss TRE. (coming c. turning) Oh!.... Dear 
 Mrs. Martelli, do you know who this is? 
 
 MRS. MAR. (c. shortly) Sir Joseph's sister. 
 
 Miss TRE. What an angelic face! The outline 
 so pure. Such heavenly eyes, (returns R. and 
 puts frame back) 
 
 MRS. MAR. (c.) She was marked with small- 
 pox, and had a pronounced squint. 
 
 Miss TRE. (disconcerted) Ah! I have noticed 
 these photographs before. I have a passion for 
 photographs. This one ? (coming c. sht, takes 
 up another) 
 
 MRS. MAR. (takes photo from Miss TRE.) Sir 
 
 5
 
 6 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 Joseph's mother. The other ladies are his cousin, 
 his aunt by marriage, and me. (Miss TRE. goes 
 
 B.) 
 
 Miss TRE. (with surprise) You! 
 
 MRS. MAR. (with dignity) My late husband, 
 Captain Martelli, of his Majesty's Indian army, 
 was a friend of Sir Joseph's (c.). I trust you 
 find nothing remarkable in his widow's photo- 
 graph reposing on Sir Joseph's mantelpiece? 
 
 Miss TRE. (comes down R. and sits R. c. chair) 
 Oh, not at all, not at all.. .My father was Canon 
 Treable he preached before the Queen. 
 
 MRS. MAR. (puts photo back R. and comes 
 down R. c.) So I have frequently heard. But I 
 admit it is a theme on which one cannot dwell 
 too often. None the less I consider it my duty, as 
 Sir Joseph's housekeeper, to inform Canon 
 Treable's daughter that this room is, as it were, 
 consecrated to Sir Joseph. 
 
 (Miss TRE. rises and crosses L. and sits on stool.) 
 
 And that it is his wish, his formally expressed 
 instruction, that none but myself should enter it. 
 
 Miss TRE. Oh! 
 
 MRS. MAR. (to desk c.) I allow no housemaid 
 here I dust it myself. Sir Joseph, in common 
 with most legal gentlemen, is partial to dust, but 
 I control his partiality. So you understand 
 (down c.) 
 
 Miss TRE. But the Courts have risen to-day, 
 dear Mrs. Martelli! The Long Vacation, they 
 call it, do they not? For nigh on three months 
 Sir Joseph ceases to be the brilliant advocate; 
 Parliament is not sitting, so the House will not 
 hear his inspired accents 
 
 MRS. MAT. My accents may be less inspired, 
 but they rest on authority ; and I beg you to heed 
 them. This room is private.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 7 
 
 Miss TUB. (sweetly) I can quite understand 
 that, to the servants, it is a sanctuary. 
 
 MRS. MAR. To the servants, and the upper 
 servants, Miss Treable. You and I are both upper 
 servants. 
 
 Miss TRE. (rise, indignantly} Mrs. Martelli! 
 This is intolerable. I am dear Margaret's com- 
 panion (sit on stool L. c.) her trusted friend 
 
 MRS. MAR. At so much per annum, paid quar- 
 terly. Sir Joseph has confided the government 
 of his household to me. 
 
 Miss TRE. (proudly) I am not a member of 
 your household, madam! I take orders from Sir 
 Joseph alone and then they come in form of 
 requests ! 
 
 MRS. MAR. You compel me, therefore, to inform 
 Sir Joseph of your truculent attitude and de- 
 mand your dismissal. 
 .Miss TRE. (rise) Dismissal! 
 
 MRS. MAR. It would of course be within my 
 province to dismiss you myself 
 
 Miss TRE. (up to her c.) Insolent! 
 
 MRS. MAR. But I shall leave that disagreeable 
 duty to Sir Joseph; and I have no doubt that it 
 will come, as you say, in the form of a request. I 
 have the honour to wish you good morning. 
 
 (ExiT. L. 1 E.)' 
 
 (Miss TREABLE sinks on the sofa R. c. and sobs. 
 EVERARD comes in from back L. 3 E V a good- 
 looking youngster of 25.) 
 
 EVERARD. (R. c.) Why, Treaby, what's the mat- 
 ter? 
 
 Miss TRE. (stamping her foot) How dare you 
 call me Treaby! 
 
 EVERARD. Oh, I beg your pardon but Mar- 
 garet always does.
 
 g MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 Miss TRE. Am I to be forever insulted in this 
 house? First by a wretched servant then by 
 a mere boy ! 
 
 EVERARD. A boy hang it! I shall be a full- 
 fledged doctor soon. But I apologise there! 
 And Martelli's a hedgehog. Leave off sobbing 
 (over back of settee) do! 
 
 Miss TRE. (through her tears) I will tell Sir 
 Joseph he must choose between her and me! 
 
 EVERARD. She's an awful Tartar I wonder my 
 uncle puts up with her. But come now, dear 
 Miss Evangeline 
 
 Miss TRE. (coyly) Mr. Swenboys? 
 
 EVERARD. (eagerly) Did you give Margaret 
 those verses? 
 
 Miss TRE. I did. 
 
 EVERARD. (excited, away R. c.) Well? Well? 
 
 Miss TRE. She laughed. 
 
 EVERARD. (aghast) Laughed! 
 
 Miss TRE. But really why did you steal them 
 from Swinburne? 
 
 EVERARD. (comes c.) The devil! She spotted 
 it? 
 
 Miss TRE. Naturally. She adores Swinburne. 
 
 EVERARD. I altered a word or two I did, I 
 swear. And of course poetry's not in my line. 
 But I didn't think girls were allowed to read 
 Swinburne ! 
 
 Miss TRE. An old-fashioned prejudice. To-day 
 we throw open the whole book of life. 
 
 EVERARD. I didn't know! (returning to lack 
 of settee R. c.) But Miss Treable you're my 
 friend, aren't you? You'll help me? 
 
 Miss TRE. I am always on the side of love. 
 
 EVERARD. Have I a chance, do you think? A 
 millionth part of a chance? 
 
 Miss TRE. You never speak to her ! 
 
 EVERARD. How can I? She's too magnificent 
 she dazzles me ! Her eyes scorch me I become
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 9 
 
 idiotic! I can talk, as a rule, I've something to 
 say but not to her, not to her! Although Mar- 
 tell i thinks 
 Miss TRB. Martelli! That hateful name! Oh! 
 
 (Her sobs begin again. MARGARET enters from 
 lack L. 3 B. : she pauses shyly at seeing 
 EVERARD.) 
 
 MARGARET, (c.) Oh Everard! Have you got 
 the flowers the white roses? 
 
 EVERARD. Yes, here they are. (up L. c.) 
 
 MARGARET. How good of you. (turning to 
 
 Miss TREADLE, (and throwing her arms round 
 her) What, dearest Treaby! Crying! (cross 
 R. c.) 
 
 EVERARD. (coming c.) Martelli has upset her. 
 
 MARGARET. Again ! Oh, the wretch ! How I 
 wish that my guardian would send her away! 
 (R. c.) 
 
 EVERARD. You have only to to to ask! 
 Could he is there a man who who could any- 
 thing, anything, Margaret! Oh! 
 
 (He flies, overcome with confusion, and EXIT 
 lack L. 3 E.) 
 
 MARGARET. Poor Everard! (she gazes pensively 
 after him for a moment then turns to Miss 
 TREABLE again) Do not cry! I will speak to 
 Sir Joseph; he shall see that this woman makes 
 me unhappy. 
 
 Miss TRE. (drying her eyes) Dearest Mar- 
 garet ! 
 
 MARGARET (looking around sitting chair c.) 
 Oh, how my heart beats when I find myself in 
 his room! 
 
 Miss TRE. He is the grandest, greatest of 
 men 
 
 MARGARET. In this morning's paper they men-
 
 10 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN*. 
 
 tion his name three times. And they've his por- 
 trait in the Sketch! 
 
 Miss TRE. And so like him! 
 
 MARGARET. His speech in that copyright case 
 yesterday ! His triumph ! 
 
 Miss TRE. I felt you quiver as you sat beside 
 me 
 
 MARGARET. He saw us there, I think... As his 
 eye swept past, I noticed a tremble in his voice. 
 And, after that, I felt that he was speaking for 
 me! 
 
 Miss TRE. His peroration was sublime. 
 
 MARGARET, (rise, down R. c. and sit in chair) 
 It was odious of that old man's daughter to thank 
 him so effusively. I detest Lady Claude! 
 
 Miss TRE. (rising and R. c.) Jealous, my Mar- 
 garet? They knew each other, in the long ago. 
 I have an idea that he once but he has not her 
 photograph! I came here to see! 
 
 MARGARET. It is not on the mantelpiece. 
 
 Miss TRE. Nor in his desk. I looked! 
 
 MARGARET. Oh! You should not have done 
 that! 
 
 Miss TRE. There is no limit to my devotion. It 
 is true Lady Claude is handsome. 
 
 MARGARET. (indignantly) Handsome! A 
 widow and old ! Why, she's thirty-five, at least ! 
 
 Miss TRE. (tartly away L.) My age, Mar- 
 garet ! 
 
 MARGARET, (rise and across to her) Ah, dear 
 Treaby, forgive me! But when I am here in 
 his room and think of a possible rival ! (up to 
 desk c.) Here, where he sits, and works! Every 
 day I steal in, and let fall a flower. I love to 
 think of him kissing that flower, perhaps who 
 knows, wear/eg it next his heart! If he only 
 would speak to me ! Little girl, he calls me, then 
 turns^ his eyes timidly away. Little girl! Oh 
 never^did lover's epithet sound so sweet!
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. H 
 
 \8ince having the flowers MARGARET has Keen un- 
 doing them and dropping them about the room.) 
 
 Miss TRE. (sit on settee L.) I have seen him, 
 when your name was mentioned, change colour, 
 and murmur something beneath his breath. 
 
 MARGARET, (sit on stool L.) What was it? 
 Oh, what? 
 
 Miss TRE. Nay, I could not catch. But Mar- 
 garet, tell me Everard has been imploring 
 
 MARGARET, (softly) Ah, poor Everard! It 
 was not till you opened my eyes, dear Treaby, 
 that I of course I am fond of Everard oh, very 
 fond! But can I hesitate! Between a boy 
 and a great man a leader of men ! Dear Treaby, 
 (rise and up c.) I beseech you leave me here, 
 for a moment! 
 
 Miss TRE. (rise and up L. c.) I go, dear child, 
 I go I feel that my eyes are red I must wash 
 away these tears. Plead for me with your guar- 
 dian, Margaret rid us of the hateful Martelli ! 
 
 MARGARET. (round to L. c. and embracing 
 Miss TRE.) I will try oh, I will try! 
 
 (Miss TREADLE kisses her devotedly and goes L. 
 3 E. MARGARET, after a glance round the room, 
 to make sure she is unobserved, takes a rose, 
 kisses it, and lays it on SIR JOSEPH'S desk 
 up c. R. of desk.) 
 
 Speak for me, rose, and tell him of my love ! Lie 
 fondly on his heart, dear rose ! 
 
 (SiR JOSEPH'S voice is heard outside, talking to 
 MRS. MAR. MARGARET starts and retreats to 
 down c. SIR JOSEPH enters from R. talking to 
 MRS. MARTELLI.) 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Come, come, Mrs. Martelli, she 
 didn't mean anything! She couldn't have, you
 
 12 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 know! (he sees MARGARET) Ah, little girl, you 
 there? Er er Mrs. Martelli and I 
 
 MARGARET, (c.) I go, guardian, I go! But 
 one word for poor Miss Treable. She is the only 
 friend I have in the world! 
 
 (She goes out L. 3 B.)' 
 
 SIR J. (c.) There, you hear that? The only 
 friend she has in the world ! Now, can I send her 
 away? (up to desk and sitting) I put it to you! 
 
 MRS. MAR. (grimly) Every companion Miss 
 Messilent has had has been her only friend. And 
 let the lady stay by all means, Sir Joseph. (R. c.) 
 Only you will permit me to take my departure. 
 
 SIR J. (very annoyed, sitting at his desk, tak- 
 ing up the rose and dropping it in the waste-paper 
 lasket) I wish that girl wouldn't let her con- 
 founded flowers trail all over the place! Why 
 does she come in here? Can't I have one room 
 in the house to myself? 
 
 Miss MAR. (picking up flowers which MARGARET 
 has dropped) That was precisely the cause of my 
 altercation with Miss Treable, Sir Joseph. I 
 found her inspecting the photographs on the 
 mantelpiece. 
 
 SIR J. Confound her impudence! I'll say a 
 word to her. We'd better keep the door locked 
 in future, eh? 
 
 MRS. MAR. (R. c. adamant) You will have to 
 choose, Sir Joseph, between Miss Treable and me. 
 
 SIR J. (wheedling, rise and down R. c.) Come, 
 come, Mrs. Martelli, you and I have been together 
 too long to allow a trifle like this to part us. 
 Besides, we're all going off in a day or two Miss 
 Treable may get married in the Long Vacation 
 
 MRS. M. Married she! She'll never see forty 
 again ! 
 
 SIR J. Won't she, though? Well, after all,
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 13 
 
 that's no concern of mine. 7 don't want her to 
 see forty again for the matter of that I don't 
 want to see her again. But she's the girl's com- 
 panion and the girl must have a companion 
 and if the Treable woman goes I shall have to 
 find another companion. That's so, isn't it? 
 MRS. MAR. (still adamant) Sir Joseph 
 SIR J. And I want to be off to Scotland to- 
 morrow! Come, come, Mrs. Martelli 
 
 MRS. MAR. Sir Joseph, that person has made 
 use of certain expressions to me that render fur- 
 ther residence with her under the same roof im- 
 possible. I regret it for my dear husband's sake, 
 I regret it. But you will have to choose. 
 
 '(She goes R. i. E. with majesty. SIR JOSEPH is ex- 
 ceedingly vexed. He pishes and pshaws, seizes 
 his blotting pad, hurls it to the other end of 
 the room, then goes and fetches it then 
 takes up paper R. and reads, swearing softly 
 to himself. PETERS the butler, ENTERS L. 3 E.) 
 
 PETERS, (up L. c.) Mr. Mollentrave and Lady 
 Claude Derenliam have called, Sir Joseph. 
 
 SIR J. (puts paper down eagerly, R. c.) Ah, 
 I'll go down. They're in the drawing-room, I 
 suppose? 
 
 PETERS, (up L. c.) No, Sir Joseph Miss Mes- 
 silent and Miss Treable are playing a duet in 
 the drawing-room 
 
 SIR. J. (discontentedly) Ah in the library, 
 then? 
 
 PETERS. No, Sir Joseph Mr. Swenboys is 
 smoking a pipe in the library 
 
 SIR J. (furious) Not a room in my house! 
 Where in Heaven's name are they? 
 
 PETERS. In the dining-room, Sir Joseph. 
 
 SIR J. (stamping his foot) The dining-room! 
 Bring them up here, Peters quick!
 
 14 MOLLENTItA\E ON WOMEN. 
 
 (PETERS goes L. 3 E. SIR JOSEPH goes to glass R. 
 and arranges tie, etc. PETERS returns with 
 MR. MOLLENTRAVE and LADY CLAUDE. MOLLEN- 
 TRAVE is a very old man, with masses of snow- 
 white hair; notwithstanding his age, he is alert 
 and agile, with no trace of feebleness. LADY 
 CLAUDE is a beautiful and fascinating woman. 
 LADY C. ENTERS, shakes hands with SIR J. c., 
 and gets away L. c. as MOLLEN. ENTERS.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (with outstretched hands c.) My 
 dear Balsted ! Forgive this intrusion. But I had 
 to come and congratulate you again on the way 
 you conducted my case. You were masterly! 
 Masterly. 
 
 SIR. J. (c.) You are very good, Mr. Mollen- 
 trave. Our copyright law is intricate. (MoL. 
 crosses behind SIR J. to R. and undoes book) It 
 was a very nice point (he shakes hands with 
 LADY CLAUDE) And you, Lady Claude, are you 
 pleased ? 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c.) Need you ask, when my book 
 was in question! Rosamund is naturally proud 
 of her father's work ! 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) And I am especially glad of 
 the opportunity the case has given me of renew- 
 ing an ancient friendship. 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Yes we are very old friends, you 
 and I! You have been abroad a long time? 
 
 LADY C. Yes in Italy since my husband's 
 death. 
 
 SIR J. I trust you have now returned for 
 good? 
 
 MOLLEN. (comes c. a step) I don't mean to 
 part with her any more, Balsted! Italian cy- 
 presses may set off a widow's weeds but now, 
 that two years have passed! (LADY C. sits on 
 stool. He produces a book) Balsted, I have 
 taken the liberty to bring you my book the casus
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 15 
 
 "belli with an autograph inscription, '(c. he 
 presents it with a flourish) Allow me to offer it 
 to you! 
 
 SIR J. (taking it) I am very much obliged. 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c. rubbing his hands) " Mollen- 
 trave on Women ! " I venture to say it is in a 
 fair way to become a classic. 
 
 LADY C. (smiling) He has given away all our 
 secrets ! 
 
 MOLLEN. I was an observer from boyhood. 
 Like Dante, I fell in love at the age of nine. Un- 
 like Dante, I made notes. In the interests of my 
 self-imposed study I married three time.S (by 
 chair R.) In short, you will find, between these 
 covers, a most careful, complete investigation on 
 scientific principles, of the baffling, perplexing 
 creature known to us as WOMAN ! 
 
 LADY C. (in smiling protest) Papa! 
 
 MOLLEN. ( comes c. a step) Your pardon, my 
 child! You are, of course, the topmost blossom 
 of the spreading tree. You have inherited, if I 
 may say so, my mental energy. 
 
 SIR J. (c. fingering the book) I am disap- 
 pointed that Lady Claude's photograph does not 
 figure as frontispiece. 
 
 MOLLEN. Ha, ha, very good! (away R. and 
 returning) But in all seriousness (takes book), 
 Balsted it is a guide, a hand-book, a Baedeker! 
 It conducts you personally to the most hidden 
 recesses of the feminine heart, opens every door, 
 strips every cupboard! (R. c.) No marriage 
 license should be issued to the man who cannot 
 pass his examination in Mollentrave! (Goes R. 
 to table and puts book down) As a result there 
 would be cobwebs in the Divorce Court! You 
 practise there, by the way? 
 
 SIR J. Heaven forbid ! No I am on the Chan- 
 cery side 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) Ah that's a pity I should
 
 16 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 have valued expert criticism. I am at present 
 revising the book for its next edition which will 
 be the twenty-third ! 
 
 SIB J. (c. on his L.) The twenty-third? 
 Really ! 
 
 MOLLBN. My dear sir, the work has been trans- 
 lated into every living tongue. I am told there 
 are women's clubs where it is the custom solemnly 
 to execrate me after dinner. In Dover Street " to 
 be mollentraved " has passed into the language. 
 It means to be found out! 
 
 LADY C. (rising) Papa, we must not take up 
 Sir Joseph's time. 
 
 SIR J. On the contrary! And my interviews 
 with you have been too brief, these many years 
 past, for me to desire to curtail them. Besides, 
 I find myself to-day in a position of some per- 
 plexity and truly, should value your advice! 
 
 LADY C. (archly) Mine or papa's? 
 
 Sm J. Both ! Please sit down. Will you listen 
 to my tale of woe? 
 
 (LADY C. sits settee L.) 1 
 
 MOLLEN. Gladly. It is the least we can do 
 for you, after your magnificent service. (MoL. 
 gets chair R. c. and sits) 
 
 (They sit.) 
 
 SIR J. (sits up c. front of desk) Well then, 
 here goes! As you are aware, I am unmarried. 
 Many years ago (he looks at LADY CLAUDE who 
 drops her eyes) I loved a lady, who, very wisely, 
 preferred another. (MOLLENTRAVE points wag- 
 gishly to the oook) Ah, Mr. Mollentrave, had I 
 then been able to consult your work! 
 
 MOLLEN. I was labouring at it for twenty 
 years before I gave it to the world. 
 
 SIR J. My misfortune to have been born too,
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. If 
 
 soon! Well, I settled down to single blessedness, 
 and worked hard. My existence was tranquil. 
 An elderly lady, widow of a man I had known, 
 kept house for me, and left me undisturbed. My 
 life was all work, with an occasional game at 
 bridge. I had never been a. . . .lady's man. . . . 
 the sex did not let us say, appreciate me and I, 
 while admiring them from a distance, have 
 avoided their closer neighborhood. 
 
 MOLLEN. My dear friend, you have denied 
 yourself one of the most fruitful sources of amuse- 
 ment! 
 
 SIR J. That may be, but I am constitutionally 
 shy. And law and politics, you see, took up all 
 my time I settled down contentedly enough, 
 into old fogeydom, My one care was a nephew, 
 a good lad, who walked the hospitals and has just 
 passed his final exam. Well, so far all was un- 
 troubled. But now comes the catastrophe. A 
 year ago an old friend of mine died in Australia 
 a companion of my boyhood and bequeathed 
 me his daughter! 
 
 MOLLEN. (alert) Ah! 
 
 SIR J. His motherless daughter! I received 
 her letter by the morning's post she came in the 
 afternoon ! A girl ! Imagine it ! My austere 
 dwelling invaded by a bouncing, flouncing girl! 
 
 MOLLEN. (chuckling) Terrible! 
 
 SIR J. It was terrible. Lady Claude will ex- 
 cuse me 
 
 LADY C. (smiling) Oh yes! 
 
 SIR J. My feelings at that moment could only 
 be expressed in camera. There was no way out 
 he had appointed me Iier guardian it was a 
 sacred trust I could do nothing, (rise) She 
 was too old to send to school too young to live 
 alone. And here was I, to whom girls are eso- 
 teric, mysterious things, of strange, uncanny ways 
 I, who don't know what to say to them, how to
 
 18 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 feed them or amuse them, I who go into no 
 society, have no small-talk, don't dance or play 
 ping-pong here was I suddenly overwhelmed by 
 this avalanche of laces and muslins! 
 
 MOLLEN. Heaven sent you a full-grown 
 daughter, without the expensive preliminaries! 
 
 SIR J. Let us hope Heaven meant it kindly 
 but there are occasions, doubtless, when even 
 Providence nods! Well, after a considerable 
 struggle with myself, I accepted the inevitable. I 
 moved from my comfortable bachelor's quarters, 
 took this house, found her a companion who at 
 once proceeded to quarrel with the housekeeper. 
 I had to dismiss her and engage another the same 
 story! (sits on settee L. by LADY C.) In twelve 
 months I have had five companions. To-day an- 
 other disturbance for the sixth time I am bidden 
 choose between them and I had hoped to go to 
 Scotland to-morrow. This may all sound very 
 trivial but truly I'm in despair! 
 
 LADY C. (laughing) Poor Sir Joseph! 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise and go L. c. Earnestly] My 
 dear child, I can enter into our friend's feelings 
 this is no laughing matter! Tell me now, Bal- 
 sted what is she like, your ward? 
 
 SIR J. (puzzled) Like? Like all other girls, I 
 imagine. I scarcely have looked at her. Pretty, I 
 suppose, in a feeble kind of way. I have said 
 good morning and good evening, taken her to an 
 occasional theatre, and allowed her to prattle. 
 She is only a child. 
 
 MOLLEN. (quickly) A mistake! They never 
 are children! How old is she? 
 
 SIR J. Eighteen, I believe or nineteen, per- 
 haps possibly twenty. 
 
 MOLLEN. Of the sentimental order? 
 
 SIR J. (laughing) Truly, I've no idea! 
 
 MOLLEN. At least you can tell me her taste 
 in literature?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 19 
 
 SIR. J. (searching in his memory) Litera- 
 ture? She reads a good deal though what, I've 
 no notion. Stay, though I remember, one night 
 when I couldn't sleep, taking a book of hers up- 
 stairs, and having a superb night's rest. It was 
 Somebody's Love-Letters. 
 
 LADY C. The Englishwoman's? 
 
 SIR J. Yes. That was it. 
 
 MOLLEN. Good. Were passages marked? 
 
 SIR J. The pages were peppered with lines 
 and crosses. 
 
 MOLLEN. The boards protected with a cover? 
 
 SIR J. I rather imagine they were. 
 
 MOLLEN. Notes scribbled on the margin? 
 
 SIR J. I fancy so yes, I am sure! Heaps of 
 'em! 
 
 MOLLEN. Clue No. 1. Perfect, (triumphant) 
 In her clothing she will affect the darker shades? 
 
 SIR J. (with an effort at memory) Er yes 
 
 MOLLEN. Fond of flowers? 
 
 SIR J. She litters the place with them ! 
 
 MOLLEN. I have her! Devours poetry, of 
 course? Adores Wagner? Appetite languid, 
 member of the Stage Society, and worships 
 Ibsen? 
 
 SIR J. The name's familiar I've heard her 
 mention it 
 
 MOLLEN. Of course ! My dear fellow, I haven't 
 seen the lady and I prefer, as a rule, to visit the 
 patient before pronouncing upon her case. But 
 here all is simple, and there is no further need of 
 analysis. She belongs to the large class, known 
 as Invertebrate Sentimentalists, (away R. c.) 
 
 SIR J. (rise and go c.) The deuce she does! 
 
 MOLLEN. Harmless, my dear fellow quite 
 harmless! Now tell me your nephew? 
 
 SIR J. Yes? 
 
 MOLLEN, Has he been here all the time?
 
 20 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIR J. The last month only he studied in 
 Germany. 
 
 MOLLEN. Good. A normal, healthy lad? 
 
 SIR J. Quite. 
 
 MOLLEN. Age ? 
 
 SIR J. Twenty-four or twenty-five. 
 
 MOLLEN. A little melancholy lately? 
 
 SIR J. Ah ! The fact is. I have noticed 
 
 MOLLEN. With the quickness of the trained 
 advocate you have guessed my drift! My dear 
 sir, your troubles are at an end. To restore your 
 tranquillity, all you need do is to add the ward 
 to the nephew! 
 
 SIR J. (gleefully) By Jove! I should never 
 have thought of it ! 
 
 MOLLEN. That is where I come in. You talked 
 of a will she has money? 
 
 SIR J. Ten thousand pounds. 
 
 MOLLEN. Admirable. Now listen 
 
 (LADY C. rises and goes up L. c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (sit in chair R. c. doivn stage) It 
 will take you exactly ten minutes. You will send 
 for your nephew meet him coldly wave him to 
 a chair. A set frown on your face. You will tell 
 him severely you have detected his secret, (Sm J. 
 sits c.) remarked his passion for your ward. You 
 will upbraid him remember, his adoration is 
 certain! He will confess and beat his bosom. 
 Then you melt and send for the maiden. 
 
 SIR J. (alarmed) I? I speak to her? 
 Never ! 
 
 MOLLEN. In the interests of celerity! If you 
 leave it to him he will bungle it. He will be ab- 
 ject, and she tyrannical. She will say " no " for 
 certain, to see how he takes it. She will demand 
 time in short, there will be delay. You will 
 find all this set down in my fourteenth chapter, 
 called " The Cat and the Mouse."
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 1 
 
 SIR J. (rise and down stage) I can't do it, 
 Mollentrave. I shouldn't know what to say! 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise, put chair back R.) You, the 
 great orator! Imagine you're addressing a jury 
 of girls! Wallow in sentiment reek of it! 
 (R. c.) Put the boy's love draw a pathetic pic- 
 ture tears in your voice, and so on! In a min- 
 ute slie'll cry, and accept him! Oh, I guarantee 
 the complete success of the operation! And see 
 here Kosy and I are going to Swanage to-mor- 
 row why not join us there, with the young 
 couple? 
 
 SIR J. (c.) That's exceedingly good of you 
 I had meant to trot off to Scotland 
 
 MOLLEN. You can't at once! Remember 
 they are engaged! But you can go in a day or 
 two, and leave them with us. The house is large. 
 
 SIR J. Really that is too kind 
 
 MOLLEN. Copy for me, my dear fellow 
 They'll be under the microscope, but they won't 
 know. (LADY C. comes down L. c.) And I'll 
 give the boy some wrinkles. You'll come? 
 
 SIR J. (turn L.) Does Lady Claude join in 
 the invitation? 
 
 LADY C. Most cordially. 
 
 MOLLEN. So that's all settled. (He gets up, 
 goes to the Tiack, and proceeds to wrestle with his 
 overcoat) 
 
 SIR J. (c. to LADY CLAUDE) Though I should 
 ask you to explain a few points in your father's 
 work? 
 
 '(MOLLEN seized ~by a sudden inspiration, takes 
 "book, sits on settee, and turns down pages SIR 
 J. will have to consult.) 
 
 LADY C. (L. c. merrily) It contains an index, 
 an appendix, and a glossary. 
 
 SIR J. I am very dull. If I needed help
 
 22 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 LADY C. The book will tell you how danger- 
 ous it is to invite a woman's assistance. 
 
 SIR J. But suppose I seek the danger? 
 
 LADY C. There is a chapter on widows. 
 
 SIR J. Which I shall not read. There you 
 shall be my author. 
 
 LADY C. My book is to be on man. 
 
 SIR J. If you need a collaborator ! 
 
 LADY C. I shall ask your ward to assist But, 
 Sir Joseph, I thought you could not talk to 
 women ? 
 
 SIR J. I cannot but there is one, all these 
 years, to whom I have said so much, and so 
 often ! 
 
 LADY C. I am glad you have made an excep- 
 tion. Well, you know where we live, at Swanage? 
 
 SIR J. I have not forgotten I have a memory. 
 . . . There was an elm-tree there 
 
 LADY C. Which still remains, though it has 
 grown older! (MOLLEN bustles up) To-morrow 
 then? You will let us know by what train? 
 Good-bye and you have my best wishes. (B. 
 goes up to door L. 3 E.) Papa (goes up L. and 
 Exit L. 3. E.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise, round back c. to L. c.) Yes 
 send us a wire ! Good-bye, my dear fellow. And 
 remember gallons of sentiment! 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE turns to the door; as Tie goes SIR 
 JOSEPH clutches him.) 
 
 SIR J. (away R. c.) Mollentrave, I can't do 
 it! I can't! At the mere thought of it I feel a 
 chill down my spine. I can't! 
 
 MOLLEN. (coming c.) Balsted! 
 
 SIR J. Look here, why not speak to her your- 
 self? 
 
 MOLLEN. I? 
 
 SIR J. Why not? It's your business, after
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 23 
 
 all, this sort of thing, (c.) You're an expert, a 
 professional. I won your case for you yesterday 
 win mine for me now ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (L. c.) But it's a delicate subject 
 to bring before a lady one has never met before 
 
 SIR J. I'll introduce you in proper form tell 
 her you are my mouthpiece Oh, I'll make that 
 all right. And I'll be there, of course, while you 
 do it 
 
 MOLLEN. Naturally, if you insist 
 
 SIR J. I do You will? 
 
 MOLLEN. Certainly though (getting away 
 
 L.) 
 
 SIR J. (following him to L.) I'm immensely 
 grateful ! I'll send for the boy at once and talk 
 to him. I can manage that part. You'll see 
 Lady Claude into her carriage, walk to the corner 
 of the street and come back. Then, if you're 
 right about him 
 
 MOLLEN. If I'm right! 
 
 SIR J. (L. c.) You will put the other little 
 matter before her, in your own inimitable fashion. 
 Eh? 
 
 MOLLEN. (L.) I'll be back in ten minutes. 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE exits L. 3 E. SIR JOSEPH has rung 
 R. PETERS comes in L. 3 E.) 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Tell Mr. Swenboys I want him. 
 PETERS. Yes, Sir Joseph. 
 
 (PETERS goes L. 3.E. SIR JOSEPH hums cheerfully 
 takes up the book, and glances at it. EVERARD 
 enters. SIR J. frowns, throws down took and 
 waves him to a chair.) 
 
 EVERARD. (L. c.) You want me, uncle? 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Yes, sit down, sit down. (EVER- 
 ARD sits on stool L. c.) Oh, Everard!
 
 24 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 (SiR J. sits in chair R. c. down stage.) 
 
 EVERARD. (wonderingly) Why, uncle, what is 
 it? Have I done anything? 
 
 SIR J. Done anything, unhappy boy! (He 
 pauses, perplexedly, then resumes, with melo- 
 drama) I should never have believed it never! 
 
 EVERARD. (rise and going c.) But, uncle, tell 
 me 
 
 SIR J. (waving him back) If ever a trust was 
 sacred. ... if ever a man had a right to expect 
 and you you! 
 
 EVERARD. (C. in absolute dismay) Why 
 what 
 
 SIR J. Isn't the world full of girls whom you 
 could fall in love with? Don't they pullulate? 
 Aren't there a hundred thousand more women 
 than men in London alone? And must you 
 select, out of them all, the very one whom you 
 shouldn't? 
 
 EVERARD. (sinking his head) That wretched 
 Treable woman has told you about the verses 1 
 
 SIR J. Verses ! You stooped to verses ! 
 
 EVERARD. (humbly) I cribbed them. 
 
 SIR J. An attempt to obtain credit under 
 false pretences ! Confess it then, degenerate boy ! 
 You love my ward! 
 
 EVERARD. (drawing himself up) Uncle, I do! 
 With every drop of my blood ! 
 
 SIR J. (delighted, but simulating great grief) 
 Ha ! It is true then ! 
 
 EVERARD. I was wrong there is no doubt I 
 was wrong. But could I help it put it that way 
 how could I? 
 
 SIR J. I must decline to put it that way. 
 
 EVERARD. (passionately) Why did you let me 
 come here, and be in her presence, day after day? 
 How live in the same house with her, sit opposite 
 her at meals, and not adore? How look upon
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 25 
 
 that matchless face, listen to the sound of her 
 voice, its silvery music (down L.) and not fall 
 prostrate? 
 
 SIR J. (making a note on his shirt-cuff) 
 Matchless face silvery music 
 
 EVERARD. (to R. c.) I worship her, uncle! 
 She is the very star and loadstone of my exis- 
 tence, the 
 
 SIR J. (rise) I see. But, tell me have you 
 said all this to her? 
 
 EVERARD. (c. mournfully) To her not a 
 word ! My fingers may have pleaded, as I passed 
 the bread and butter my eyes may have spoken 
 but my lips never! The verses, the fatal 
 verses, merely compared her to the (away L. c.) 
 Capitoline Venus 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) And the Venus, I suppose, 
 wasn't in it? 
 
 EVERARD. (up to him R. c.) Ah, uncle, don't 
 make fun of me! I confess my fault to you 
 frankly I know it was wrong I've always 
 known it. Send me away, sir I'll do what you 
 bid me. Get me a berth in Africa where the 
 climate's deadliest (sit c. front of table) I'll go 
 without a word and you'll soon be rid of me! 
 
 SIR J. (up R. c.) But, my dear lad, I don't 
 want to be rid of you and I'm not sure that I 
 altogether approve of the deadly climate scheme. 
 All I say is 
 
 EVERARD. You can say say nothing to me that 1 
 have not said already to myself ah, many times 1 
 (rise) It was a presumption a mad presump- 
 tion. Don't be too hard on me ! 
 
 SIR J. (gravely) Everard, I've tried to do my 
 duty by you 
 
 EVERARD. You have been more than a father 
 to me. Be merciful, sir! 
 
 SIR J. I will, I will. 
 
 EVERARD. All I ask is
 
 26 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIR J. All 7 ask is that we now drop heroics 
 and descend to more commonplace ground. 
 Leave Olympus and return to the London pave- 
 ment 
 
 EVERARD. (L. c. bewildered) I don't under- 
 stand 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Why, after all, when one comes 
 to think of it, there is no especial crime in a young 
 man falling in love with a young woman 
 
 EVERARD. (up R. c.) A young woman! Mar- 
 garet ! 
 
 SIR J. A young goddess, then but still, it is 
 not unnatural. And, as I say, I don't see 
 
 EVERARD. (springing wildly to his feet) You 
 don't mean that there is a hope for me! 
 
 SIR J. But I do, I do! I have reason to be- 
 lieve that she is not altogether indifferent. 
 
 EVERARD. (gasping) Uncle! 
 
 SIR J. Has she given you no sign? 
 
 EVERARD. (shyly) When we played chess last 
 Thursday, she allowed her hand to rest on mine 
 for the appreciable fraction of a second 
 
 SIR J. (triumphantly) You see! Mollen- 
 trave on Women the text-book on the subject- 
 would, I am sure, interpret that as encourage- 
 ment. 
 
 EVERARD. Uncle! Don't tell me that you 
 think (he rushes wildly about the room) 
 
 SIR J. But I do, I do! What's more, I am 
 convinced! Come, my boy, sit down. (EVERARD 
 down R. back to c. SIR J. seizes him and sits him 
 R. c.) and don't pace the room like an undis- 
 charged bankrupt, (sits c.) Let us discuss the 
 matter. 
 
 EVERARD. Margaret to be mine! 
 
 SIR J. Again I say, why not? I shall buy you 
 a practice as a wedding-present, and as they say 
 in the- fairy -stories, you will live happily ever 
 after. Do you authorize me to sound the lady?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 27 
 
 (EVERARD rises and away R.) 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE comes bustling into the room 
 L. 3 E.) 
 
 SIR J. (rise c. going eagerly to him and whis- 
 pering into his ear) Splendid, Mollentrave, 
 splendid! (aloud) Let me introduce my nephew, 
 Mr. Everard Swenboys. Everard, this is an old 
 friend of mine whom we can admit to our 
 fullest confidence, (down c.) Mollentrave my 
 nephew has just confessed to me that he loves my 
 ward! 
 
 MOLLEN. (L. c.) You don't say so! Remark- 
 able! Keally! (up L. c. puts hat down table c. 
 and crosses to down R.) 
 
 SIR J. I have your authority, Everard, to 
 ask the lady? 
 
 EVERARD. (R. c.) Oh, uncle, if you would! 
 One word from you ! 
 
 SIR J. Very well, then send her to me! At 
 once! 
 
 EVERARD. (with a look at MOLLENTRAVE) 
 Now, uncle? Had we not better 
 
 SIR J. Now! The court of Love is sitting! 
 (EVERARD crosses to L.) Go, my boy and tell 
 her to be quick ! 
 
 EVERARD shakes his uncle violently ~by the hand, 
 then rushes out of the room L. 3 E. SIR JOSEPH 
 turns to MOLLENTRAVE down R. c. with enthus- 
 iasm, c.) You're a wizard, you know! It's mar- 
 vellous ! Look here, I made a note or two for you 
 matchless face, silvery music of her voice 
 you might bring those in 
 
 MOLLEN. Startingly original, aren't they? 
 You'll find half a dozen really new superlatives 
 in my book. So it seems I wasn't wrong, eh? 
 (goes R. l)y fireplace) 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Extraordinary! If only you're 
 right about her.
 
 28 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 MOLLEN. We shall see. My dear friend, I have 
 other cases on hand besides this, (comes c.) 
 Have you met Lord Contareen? 
 
 SIR J. No I don't think so. 
 
 MOLLEN. I am, shall I say, " steering " him. 
 He's in love with my with a lady, and the lady 
 loves him without knowing it. (R. c.) I give 
 you my word she has refused him, although she 
 adores him merely because she doesn't know. 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Funny! But you know, eh? 
 
 MOLLEN. / know, by what I call consequential 
 induction; and by the same process I'll answer 
 for your ward. By the way what will you do 
 while I plead? 
 
 SIR J. Just go and sit at my desk, eh? (sit R. 
 of desk c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. Yes that will be best. It won't 
 take long. I hope she'll come soon! (down R.) 
 though ! Ah 
 
 (MARGARET has come into the room L. 3. E.; she 
 goes to SIR JOSEPH and does not at first notice 
 MOLLEN. who is at back.) 
 
 MARGARET. (L. of desk c.) You wish to speak 
 to me, guardian? 
 
 SIR J. (very embarrassed) Yes er yes. 
 
 MARGARET. About Miss Treable? Oh, believe 
 me, she is the o 
 
 SIR J. (rising down c. very fidgetty and awk- 
 ward) No, no, it's not about Miss Treable. Let 
 me introduce you to Mr. Mollentrave. Mollen- 
 trave, this is my ward, Miss Messilent. 
 
 '(MARG. comes down L. c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c. bowing) I am exceedingly 
 happy to make Miss Mcssilent's acquaintance. 
 SIR J. (picking his words with considerable
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 29 
 
 effort and difficulty) Margaret, you will possibly 
 consider it strange but the fact is there is 
 something that I ought to have said to you 
 myself before to-day perhaps (c.) but it's a 
 delicate matter and you know what a rugged 
 old bear I am and well, Everard's not much 
 better and here's Mr. Mollentrave a very old 
 friend and he well, you see, I told him of my 
 of our dilemma and he, in the kindest way in 
 the world eh, Mollentrave? well, he'll just tell 
 you, you see, and I'll finish what I was doing. 
 
 (He beats a hasty retreat to Ms desk and buries 
 himself in his papers. MOLLENTRAVE advances, 
 smiling and mincing.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c. very volubly) My dear Miss 
 Messilent, I find myself in a rather embarrassing 
 position. Your guardian, who as you are aware, 
 has, in the most charming manner possible, re- 
 tained all the shyness of youth in the presence of 
 your adorable sex, has deputed me to speak for 
 him, phrase his sentiments, express his pious de- 
 sires in a word, act as his mouthpiece in intro- 
 ducing to your notice a subject that I trust will 
 enlist all your sympathy. Have I your permis- 
 sion? 
 
 MARGARET. (L. c. her eyes roaming from him to 
 SIR JOSEPH) Certainly. 
 
 (MARG. sits stool L. c. MOLLEN. takes chair from 
 R. c. and sits c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (sitting c.) My dear young lady, 
 the sixty years that have passed over my head, 
 furrowing my brow and blanching my hair, give 
 me at least the privilege to address you with a 
 certain paternal simplicity, a mild but glowing 
 benevolence. Can you, without too great a 
 stretch of the imagination, look on me, for a very.
 
 30 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 brief moment, as though I were actually your 
 guardian? 
 
 MARGARET, (more and more puzzled) If you 
 wish it. 
 
 MOLLEN. Ten thousand thanks. You simplify 
 my task. Because the theme on which I have to 
 dwell is not one that can be coldly attacked 
 scarred veteran as I am, there are still feeble pul- 
 sations in my heart when I breathe the magic 
 word Love! (He looks searchingly at her) 
 
 MARGARET, (startled) Love! (she throws a 
 quick glance at SIR JOSEPH, who dives down 
 deeper behind his desk) 
 
 MOLLEN. (with much sentiment) Love! I 
 am fresh from hearing a man tell of his love oh, 
 the word is too cold! of his deep, overpowering 
 passion! Miss Messilent, I am still under the 
 spell! I have been the recipient, in my time, of 
 many confidences but never have I met a crea- 
 ture so absolutely enslaved by the divine emotion, 
 so eager a captive in the chains of beauty as is 
 this lover of yours! (Both rise) 
 
 MARGARET. Of mine! Mine! Me! 
 
 MOLLEN. Who but you? Are you not but 
 forgive me if my advocacy becomes too ardent! 
 '(puts chair back R. and goes up to R. of SIR J.) 
 It is your guardian who should be saying these 
 things but I speak for him, I am the reed into 
 which he has blown! (MARG. kneels on stool and 
 is facing SIR J.) It is your guardian who wishes 
 to know whether this man, this lover of yours 
 (comes c.) this man who yearns for you, who for 
 the last month has been your satellite, shining 
 with your radiance and dark with your darkness, 
 who has set up a temple in his soul whereof you 
 are the goddess whether this man shall be flung 
 by you into the shadows of hopeless misery, or 
 be made immortal by the knowledge that you- 
 return his passion!
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 31 
 
 MARGARET, (off stool and sitting L. c. looking 
 glowingly at SIR J.) Yes! Yes! Tell him yes! 
 
 MOLLEN. (C. beaming) Ha! You can accord 
 him, then, a small fragment of your affection? 
 
 MARGARET. Can he doubt it! Oh, he is so 
 much above me! I had never dared to hope! 
 
 MOLLEN. (triumphantly) Miss Messilent, nor 
 he, I assure you nor he! (away R. c.) Ah, 
 lovers, lovers! Then your guardian may tell Mr. 
 Swenboys 
 
 MARGARET, (sinking her head) Ah poor Ever- 
 ard! 
 
 MOLLEN. (C. smiling) Poor Everard! I 
 don't think we need pity him! (She rises) Miss 
 Messilent, I have fulfilled my mission, and now I 
 will leave you. I relinquish my paternal role 
 with regret, with considerable regret and join 
 the ranks of your other admirers. Miss Messi- 
 lent, I kiss your hand! 
 
 (SiR J. rises and steps forward: he is beaming with 
 joy. MOLLENTRAVE bows to her and crosses her 
 over to his R. and goes to the door L. 3 E. SIR 
 JOSEPH rises, accompanying him. MARGARET 
 remains standing R. c. as though entranced.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (up L. at the door, to SIR J.) Rather 
 good, eh, don't you think, for an impromptu? 
 
 SIR J. (up L. c.) Good! Magnificent! How 
 can I thank you? 
 
 MOLLEN. Tut, tut, I've enjoyed it. Now make 
 her name the day while the ecstatic mood's still 
 on her! Good-bye! Till to-morrow! 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE goes L. 3 E.) 
 (SiR JOSEPH returns to MARGARET) 
 SIR J. (c. all his awkwardness returning^
 
 32 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 My dear Margaret, I am really most glad most 
 glad. And Everard well, well, I need say noth- 
 ing about Everard. And now that we know 
 will you regard me as inconsiderate if I press 
 for an early marriage? 
 
 MARGARET, (c. coyly] Sir Joseph! 
 
 SIR J. (on her L.) You will have to er 
 drop that title soon, my dear and address me 
 er less formally. 
 
 MARGARET. Not yet, not yet! Give me time. 
 
 SIR J. (a little surprised) Certainly, cer- 
 tainly but I trust it will not be too long. And 
 now, one final word. My er guardianship will 
 soon be at an end but I have tried to er ful- 
 fil its duties. And I trust that er er you will 
 never regret the er step you are taking to- 
 day! 
 
 '(He goes to her, cordially holding out "both his 
 hands. MARGARET is about to throw herself 
 into his arms when the door opens and MRS. 
 MARTELLI appears R. 1 E. She pauses, aghast, 
 MARGARET with a smothered cry, rushes out of 
 the room L. 3. E.) 
 
 MRS. M. Sir Joseph! (R.)' 
 
 SIR J. (c, gleefully) Well, Mrs. Martelli? 
 MRS. M. (R. c. standing grimly on the thresh- 
 old) I hope I do not intrude. 
 
 SIR J. (c.) By no means, by no means! We 
 had finished! Ah, Mrs. Martelli, there will soon 
 be an end to Miss Treable! 
 
 MRS. MAR. (open-mouthed) Sir Joseph! 
 (with suppressed indignation) I came to tell 
 you that your clerk is still waiting below. 
 
 SIR J. Noyes! Ah, I had forgotten about 
 Noyes! Send him up, (across to R.) please. Oh, 
 it's splendid, Mrs. Martelli splendid!
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 33 
 
 (MRS. MARTELLI exits R. 1 E.) 
 '(The door at back opens and EVERARD appears.) 
 
 EVERARD. Uncle ! 
 
 SIR J. (c. rushing to him, and slapping him 
 on the back) Everard! It's all right! Go to 
 her, my boy! 
 
 EVERARD. (L. c. gasping) Uncle! 
 
 SIR J. Go to her! She adores you! Unwor- 
 thy, et-cetera never dared to look so high! Oh, 
 you couple of idiots! Give her the classic kiss, 
 and get her to name the day! She has promised 
 to make it soon. Quick, now she's waiting! 
 
 EVERARD. Uncle ! 
 
 (He rushes out wildly back L. 3 B. SIR JOSEPH 
 returns to R. c. NOYES enters R. 1 E.) 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Ah, Noyes, I forgot about you! 
 Here a present. Take it and read it! (He 
 hands him the book) 
 
 NOYES. (R. looking at the cover) " Mollen- 
 trave on Women." (he stares) 
 
 SIR J. (R. c. takes book away from NOYES) 
 Stay though it's an autograph copy you must 
 buy one for yourself! Hurrooh! He knows a 
 thing or two, that old man. Well, now what 
 news? 
 
 NOYES. (R.) I merely called to see whether 
 you were going to Scotland to-morrow, Sir 
 Joseph. 
 
 SIR J. No not to-morrow I must alter my 
 plans for a bit. Everard's going to marry my 
 ward, Noyes. A bit of luck, eh? We must see 
 about settlements, and so on. And buy the lad a 
 practice. There are agents for that sort of thing, 
 eh? 
 
 NOYES. Certainly, Sir Joseph. And permit 
 me to congratulate you,
 
 34 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIR J. Thank you, thank you! And enquire 
 about the practice at once! 
 
 NOYES. Have you any preference as regards 
 locality? 
 
 SIR J. H'm a pleasant suburb not quite too 
 near town, eh? Noyes? One doesn't want to be 
 too close to the felicity of the young couple? 
 Turtle-doves demand solitude. Oh, blessings on 
 Mollentrave ! 
 
 (EVERARD returns L. 3 E. the picture of hopeless 
 despair. ) 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Hullo, what's this? 
 
 EVERARD. (L. c.) Uncle, she thinks you meant 
 you! 
 
 SIR J. ( leaping up) What ! ! ! 
 
 EVERARD. She thinks you meant You! ! That 
 you were proposing for yourself! She says she's 
 engaged to YOU ! 
 
 SIR J. (shaking him) Speak, can't you? 
 What do you mean? 
 
 EVERARD (brokenly) She does. I didn't un- 
 deceive her. How could I? She's happy she 
 loves you she'll marry you! Oh! 
 
 SIR J. Oh ! Mollentrave ! 
 
 (EVER, buries his head in his hands and sinks into 
 settee L. SIR JOSEPH stands c. shouting between 
 his clenched teeth "Oh, MOLLENTRAVE!") 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 35 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Time of Representation, twenty-five minutes. 
 Scene. 
 
 1 
 
 / 
 
 oQo 
 
 Table, 
 writing 
 
 'nO 
 
 Window 
 
 Arm- 
 
 ^materials. 
 
 Table, 
 flowers, 
 frames. 
 
 LZ) 
 
 Table, 
 flowers. 
 
 
 
 chair 
 
 I 
 
 A 
 
 
 frames. 
 
 
 
 \ 
 
 oO 
 
 Needlework I 
 table 1
 
 '3G MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 (The drawing-room of MR. MOLLENTRAVE'S house 
 in Cadogan Square. At back L. door leads to 
 an inner room. MOLLENTRAVE is seated glanc- 
 ing over proof-sheets. Suddenly he calls " MR. 
 DEXTER ! " DEXTER enters from the inner room 
 up L.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (7s sitting R. of c. table) I have a 
 few corrections to make for the new edition. 
 Have you your note-book? 
 
 DEXTER (enters L. u. E. producing it) Yes, 
 sir. 
 
 MOLLEN. Sit down, sit down. (DEXTER sits L. 
 of c. table) By the way you've written that let- 
 ter for me to Lord Contareen ? 
 
 DEXTER. I have it in there for you to sign, sir, 
 with the others. 
 
 MOLLEN. What date did I fix for his reap- 
 pearance, Dexter? 
 
 DEXTER, (turning up pages) I can give you 
 the exact sentence, sir. (reading) " You have 
 sown the seed, my dear sir, expect its germination 
 in about six weeks. Then I shall invite you to 
 examine the shoots." 
 
 MOLLEN. Yes, that will do! that will do. 
 Couldn't be clearer. Now, Dexter, to return. I 
 don't quite like the sub-title of that new chapter 
 on Marriage, Dexter. Read it. 
 
 DEXTER. " The Marriage-Course. The First 
 Lap." 
 
 MOLLEN. Exactly. It's too concrete. And 
 suggests other laps to follow. 
 
 DEXTER, (chuckling) Yes, sir. Lapses.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 37 
 
 MOLLBN. (glancing severely at him over his 
 spectacles) Dexter, this is not the first time you 
 have offended in this fashion. I beg it may be 
 the last. 
 
 DEXTER, (contritely) Sir 
 
 MOLLEN. Let me remind you that marriage 
 was not invented merely to give the comic man a 
 chance. Not a word, not a word we need say no 
 more. (Rise, crosses to bookshelves R. taking out 
 book) I want a new sub-title something sym- 
 bolic, tasteful, and yet adapted to the gravity of 
 the situation. 
 
 DEXTER. How would "stage" do, sir? 
 
 MOLLEN. It savours of the theatre. My work 
 has a large circulation among Nonconformists. 
 
 DEXTER. "Phase," sir? 
 
 MOLLEN. (across to L. back of table) Invari- 
 ably associated with the moon, or Napoleon. I 
 seek a word that shall happily suggest the first 
 disillusions of the young couple. Stay, I have it! 
 The " Marriage Links " we will call it there you 
 have the symbol and for sub-title: (down L.) 
 "The First Bunker." (MOLLENTRAVE rubs his 
 hands, delighted at. his invention) 
 
 (MARTIN the butler enters with LORD CONTAREEN, 
 a well-groomed, vacuous-looking man of forty.) 
 
 MOLLEN. The First Bunk (sees CONTAREEN 
 reproachfully, crossing to up R. c. front of table) 
 Contareen! You here! That's wrong! 
 
 (They shake hands, DEXTER rises.) 
 
 DEXTER, (rising) Shall I go now, sir? 
 MOLLEN. Yes, Dexter. You understand that 
 I take you down with me to Swanage to-morrow? 
 DEXTER. Yes, sir certainly, good-day, sir. 
 MOLLEN. Good-day to you.
 
 38 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 (DEXTER goes up L. MOLLENTRAVE turns to CON- 
 
 TAREEN.) 
 
 (Up R. c.) It's wrong, my dear fellow it's 
 wrong! To-day's Friday she refused you on 
 Wednesday. Too soon! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (eagerly) Mollentrave I 
 (down R. c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (emphatically, down c.) I have 
 promised that you shall marry my daughter. I 
 have assured you that I have no doubt whatever 
 as to her affection. Then why this precipitancy? 
 
 CONTAREEN. She refused me very decidedly. 
 (sits on settee R.) 
 
 MOLLEN. My poor Rosamund is a widow, (up 
 L. c. across c. and down R. c.) Also she has had 
 the advantage of correcting my proof-sheets. She 
 has read that passion wins maids, and perseve- 
 rance widows. She follows the rule. Do the 
 same! 
 
 CONTAREEN. I thought 
 
 MOLLEN. Every siege must be conducted on 
 scientific principles. You should now be back in 
 your trenches. Digging, sir digging! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (eagerly) Look here, Lady Pen- 
 truddock has asked me down to her place in 
 Shropshire. 
 
 MOLLEN. Well? 
 
 CONTAREEN. Her sister will be there Muriel, 
 I mean, not Gladys. Muriel has charm. 
 
 MOLLEN. Granted. And then? 
 
 CONTAREEN. Your daughter knows Lady Mu- 
 riel. When she learns that I shall be under the 
 same roof with that fascinating person eh? 
 
 MOLLEN. (to L. of table c.) I see, I see. 
 Well (he ponders} 
 
 CONTAREEN. If I tell Lady Claude that I er 
 accept her decision cheerfully eh? and in- 
 form her that I Lady Muriel don't you think?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 39 
 
 MOLLEN. (judicially) The idea has merit. 
 
 CONTAREEN. (humbly) I got it out of the 
 book. 
 
 MOLLEN. Of course. That goes without say- 
 ing, (sit L. of table c.) Well, no harm can be 
 done. Though a line to me, from Pentruddock 
 Castle would have been better. 
 
 CONTAREEN. Perhaps. But still I say, you're 
 backing me up? 
 
 MOLLEN. I'm supporting you admirably. I 
 have repeatedly expressed my delight at her 
 having refused you. 
 
 CONTAREEN. (staggered) I say! 
 
 MOLLEN. I dwell with satisfaction on the 
 prospect of not seeing you again 
 
 CONTAREEN. Look here! 
 
 MOLLEN. And have more than once hinted at 
 a past that is probably strewn with forlorn Nan- 
 cies and Janes 
 
 CONTAREEN. (aghast rise) By Jove! 
 
 MOLLEN. " To kindle the flame of love in the 
 feminine bosom " I quote from the fifteenth 
 chapter (he presses the bell) "the third party 
 should vehemently, and persistently, denounce 
 the person whom he desires to see enthroned." 
 
 CONTAREEN. But still ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Leave it to me, my dear fellow, leave 
 it to me ! I tell you it works like a charm ! 
 
 [(CoNT. re-sits settee R.)' 
 
 t 
 (MARTIN comes in R.) 
 
 MOLLEN. Inform Lady Claude that Lord Con- 
 tareen is here, and ask her to be good enough to 
 descend. 
 
 MARTIN. Yes, sir. (he goes) 
 
 MOLLEN. Now see when Rosamund comes, I 
 shall retire into the back room there, and write a
 
 40 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 letter. I shall give you three minutes. Then you 
 take your leave. 
 
 CONTAREEN. Quite so. Three minutes will do ! 
 
 MOLLEN. And remember be sprightly! Not 
 a trace of acidity ! Persiflage is good in modera- 
 tion Bring in Lady Pentruddock's sister but 
 don't drag her in ! You understand? 
 
 CONTAREEN. Perfectly, perfectly. Oh yes, I 
 see. Gad, Mollentrave, I've always done what 
 you told me. But those Nancies and Janes, you 
 know 
 
 MOLLEN. Tut, tut, women like a dash of 
 colour! Now mind your visit to-day is merely 
 a p. p. c. card the whistle that heralds the shunt- 
 ing of the train 
 
 CONTAREEN. Quite so. (whistle) I must re- 
 member that. 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise, cross to R. c.) Your line is del- 
 icacy. You feel it only due to her, and so forth. 
 Your tone must be soft, mellifluous a south wind 
 rustling over orange trees. Orange trees, mark 
 you not cypresses! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (rise) Exactly. Orange trees 
 not cypresses. I see. 
 
 MOLLEN. (takes CONT. across L. c.) Take no 
 notice of her confusion. Be bland, respectful. 
 Eetire gracefully. (CONT. crosses to L. front of 
 MOLLEN.) A gentle pressure of the hand. No 
 more. 
 
 CONT. (L.) I'll do it. I'll do it! You're 
 wonderful, Mollentrave, but I say 
 
 MOLLEN. (L. c.) H'sh! (up L. c. to top of 
 table) 
 
 (LADY CLAUDE enters R. with look) 
 
 LADY C. (down c.) How are you, Lord Con- 
 tareen ? 
 
 CONTAREEN. (down c. suddenly smitten with
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 41 
 
 Confusion) I'm very well, thank you, Lady 
 Claude never was better, never was better! 
 
 (He looks to MOLLENTRAVE away L. a step) 
 
 MOLLEN. (up c. top of table to LADY CLAUDE) 
 My dear, you will excuse me I have a line to 
 write to to oh yes, to Balsted, of course, about 
 the train to-morrow. We take the 11.20 he may 
 as well join us. Your pardon, Contareen I shall 
 not be a moment. 
 
 (LADY C. puts book aivay R.)' 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE goes into the inne-f room L. u. E. 
 rubbing his hands.) 
 
 CONTAREEN. (disconcerted) Balsted! the law- 
 yer fellow! 
 
 LADY C. (smiling) The great barrister yes. 
 He is coming to Swanage. 
 
 CONTAREEN. The deuce he is! Old friend of 
 yours, isn't he? 
 
 LADY C. (sit R. of c. table, sitting) I have 
 known him a number of years. 
 
 CONTAREEN. Confound it, ain't he a bachelor? 
 (To L. of table c. from L) 
 
 LADY C. He was when I last saw him. 
 
 CONTAREEN. And how long ago was that? 
 
 LADY C. I should think an hour and a half. 
 
 CONTAREEN. (very perturbed) (sit L. of c. 
 table) Eh? Quite so, quite so. No concern of 
 mine, of course, and all that. Well, what I had to 
 say the fact is that I confound Balsted he's 
 put me off! 
 
 LADY C. (wondering) Put you off? Off what, 
 Lord Contareen? 
 
 CONTAREEN. You see, I didn't know you were 
 going to have visitors at Swanage.
 
 42 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 LADY C. (smiling) Well, that's not unnatural, 
 is it? We've such a large place there! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (eagerly) I suppose you wouldn't 
 like me to 
 
 LADY C. After what has occurred, perhaps 
 
 CONTAREEN. (pleading) I've only asked you 
 once, you know 
 
 LADY C. (emphatically) But I do most earn- 
 estly beg you to believe that my decision is final, 
 and irrevocable. 
 
 CONTAREEN. (humbly, rise) I don't think I 
 made it quite clear to you to what extent I ad 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE coughs loudly from the inner 
 room.) 
 
 CONTAREEN. (quickly) To what extent I ad 
 ad advocate! Funny, isn't it! (up stage c. a 
 step) Besides, we're too old, and that sort of 
 thing 
 
 LADY C. (puzzled) I beg your pardon 
 
 CONTAREEN. (top of table c.) Oh, nothing, noth- 
 ing a joke that's all mere persiflage! What I 
 wanted to say was to break it h'm delicately 
 that I was going away too to Lady Pentrud- 
 dock's, you know 
 
 LADY C. Indeed? I hope you will have a most 
 pleasant time. 
 
 CONTAREEN. Thanks sure to, sure to! Seems 
 that her sister's there Muriel, you know, not 
 Gladys. Fine woman, Muriel. 
 
 LADY C. (indifferently) Very. 
 
 CONTAREEN. (artfully) Old friend of mine 
 and I fancy that she she you see well, I and 
 I rather want to eh, don't you think? 
 
 LADY C. (clapping her hands) Admirable! 
 Oh, I'm so glad! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (quickly) Nothing done yet, of 
 course! There still is time 
 
 LADY C. Time?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 43 
 
 CONTAREEN. My visit to-day is merely a kind 
 of whistle, you know. 'Bout ship, eh? You 
 don't mind? 
 
 LADY C. Mind? I! My dear Lord Contareen, 
 I assure you 
 
 CONTAREEN. You've no objection, I mean, to 
 my going down there? 
 
 LADY C. Far from it! Indeed, I should most 
 strongly recommend a change of scene, (rise and 
 away R) 
 
 CONTAREEN. (cunningly, down L. to c.) And 
 of actors, Lady Claude, eh, of actors? Ha, ha! 
 I'm anxious of course, that you shouldn't think 
 me (he pauses) 
 
 LADY C. (Impatiently, sit on sofa R) Think 
 you what, Lord Contareen? 
 
 CONTAREEN. Not regard it as sudden, eh? Too 
 abrupt and that sort of thing? 
 
 LADY C. On the contrary, I shall be delighted! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (R. c. disconcerted) Oh! delight- 
 ed! 
 
 LADY C. I assure you ! I have the greatest re- 
 spect for Lady Gladys 
 
 CONTAREEN. Muriel, Muriel not Gladys 
 
 LADY C. Your pardon I should have said 
 Lady Muriel. Let me declare to you, most earn- 
 estly and sincerely, that you have my very best 
 wishes for your success. 
 
 CONTAREEN. Of course I've said nothing yet 
 but once down there weak man, charming 
 woman 
 
 LADY C. Let us know as soon as it's settled! 
 And I will congratulate you, with my whole 
 heart! Believe it, Lord Contareen! 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE comes in, L. u. E. and goes to top 
 of table c. with a discreet preliminary cough.) 
 
 CONTAREEN. (Looks round to L.) Just going,
 
 44: MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 Mollentrave just going, Lady Claude au re- 
 voir! 
 
 LADY C. Good-bye. And my love to Lady 
 Muriel ! 
 
 CONTAREEN. (up R. c.) Quite so, quite so. 
 Good-bye, Mollentrave. I'm afraid I've made an 
 awful hash 
 
 MOLLEN. (up R. c. on his L.) Good-bye, my 
 dear fellow good-bye, (in his ear) She's piqued 
 she's piqued! Spade-work nothing like it! 
 (aloud) Good-bye! 
 
 (CONTAREEN g06S R. MOLLENTRAVE returns to the 
 
 centre of the room, rubbing his hands.) 
 
 LADY C. (very earnestly) Papa, don't practise 
 on me! 
 
 MOLLEN. (blandly) My child? 
 
 LADY C. There are so many specimens for you 
 to play with ! Look on me as an exception a 
 freak, if you like. But /, at least, am not a rule 
 of three sum! 
 
 MOLLEN. (sitting on stool c. patting her hand) 
 My dear Rosamund! 
 
 LADY C. (rise) How could you imagine that 
 such an inane, idiotic creature as that 
 
 MOLLEN. It is certainly strange that he should 
 go to Pentruddock. Your resentment is justified. 
 
 LADY C. (up R. and across back of table to 
 down L. c. scornfully) Eesentment! 
 
 MOLLEN. I shouldn't be in the least surprised 
 if Lady Muriel secured him! 
 
 LADY C. Oh, she may have him, with all my 
 heart, and all my sympathy too! 
 
 MOLLEN. (slyly) Of course, my dear, I'm 
 aware that you don't care for him. How could 
 you? 
 
 LADY C. (down L. smiling in spite of herself) 
 You refuse to believe me? I cannot convince 
 you?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 45 
 
 MOLLEN. (stroking her condescendingly) My 
 dear 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) After all that has happened! 
 After what you have seen of my life! And you 
 really believe that I ever could care for this man ! 
 That I, a creature with a heart and soul, am 
 pigeon-holed in your book, and bound to conform 
 to its maxims! 
 
 MOLLEN. (fatuously) On the contrary I 
 
 LADY C. (up and down L. c.) Is it his title 
 appeals to you his houses, his money? Years 
 ago, I was obedient my husband, too, had a title 
 and you know how dearly I paid for it.... 
 Weave no webs round me! The fly has grown 
 wary and it has had the advantage, too, of study- 
 ing the wiles of the spider! 
 
 MOLLEN. I quite admit, my dear, that Conta- 
 reen's change of attitude is reprehensible very. 
 And I have not the least doubt 
 
 LADY C. (smiling sorrowfully) You are in- 
 corrigible ! 
 
 MOLLEN. My dear child ! Since I tell you 
 
 LADY C. Ah I see that I shall have to provide 
 you with material for a new chapter! 
 
 (She Msses him he purrs complacently. The 
 door opens and MARTIN ushers in SIR JOSEPH, 
 who is wildly excited.) 
 
 MARTIN. Sir Joseph Balsted. 
 
 MOLLEN. (eagerly) Balsted! (rise and across 
 to R.) 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Mollentrave, awful the little 
 idiot imagined you were proposing for me! 
 
 MOLLEN. (sitting R.) No! No! 
 
 SIR J. She thought you meant me ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Balsted, how could you ! Why, when 
 I left the room she had accepted Everard ! 
 
 SIR J. And I sent the boy to her he comes
 
 46 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 back, pale as a ghost and says she's engaged 
 to ME ! (sit R. of c. table) 
 
 (LADY CLAUDE up L. and down L. convulsed with 
 laughter. Both men turn to her. ) 
 
 MOLLEN. (reproachfully) My dear Rosamund, 
 your hilarity is misplaced. 
 
 LADY C. (contritely ~but still choking, sit L. ~by 
 work table) I'm very sorry 
 
 MOLLEN. Our friend has unfortunately en- 
 tangled himself in a most serious dilemma 
 
 SIR J. I! That's good! You did the propos- 
 ing! 
 
 MOLLEN. You heard me you even compli- 
 mented me ! 
 
 SIR J. (rise) It flashed across me at the time 
 you never mentioned his name ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (with an indulgent smile) Not men- 
 tion his name! I! 
 
 SIR J. If she had accepted Everard, would she, 
 one moment after, have consented to marry me? 
 
 MOLLEN. Do not excite yourself, my dear Bal- 
 sted ! What happened, I see it, was this. I dug 
 the hole, and gave you the tree to put in. You 
 popped in the wrong one! 
 
 LADY C. What happened, Sir Joseph, after you 
 heard the news? 
 
 SIR J. (to LADY C.) I rushed on here at once. 
 (to MOLLEN.) You've got me into this scrape get 
 me out ! 
 
 MOLLEN. My dear friend, my services are of 
 course at your disposal. But, truly, how could 
 you? The affair was so simple ! 
 
 SIR J. Well, one thing's certain at any rate 
 she's not in love with Everard 
 
 MOLLEN. (shaking his head) That's not cer- 
 tain at all ! 
 
 SIR J. (impatiently) What ! When the little 
 fool's in love with me !
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 47 
 
 MOLLBN. That's not proved. 
 
 SIR J. Not proved ! When she wants to marry 
 me! 
 
 MOLLEN. Didn't I tell you she was an inver- 
 tebrate sentimentalist? You forgot that. Had 
 you left her undisturbed in the belief that you 
 meant Everard, she'd have gone to the altar with 
 Everard. You persuaded her I had spoken for 
 you she switched her love on to you. That's the 
 case in a nutshell. 
 
 SIR J. Preposterous! 
 
 MOLLEN. There you may trust my, let us say, 
 wider experience. But tell me, Everard ! He did 
 not undeceive her? 
 
 SIR J. No heroics! She loves you, he says 
 to me uncle, she loves you! He seemed to take 
 it for granted I must love her! And he hoped 
 we'd be happy! You'll go now at once? 
 
 MOLLEN. I'm willing of course. Only let us 
 first, calmly, review the situation. 
 
 (SIR J. sits R. of c. table.) 
 
 Assume that I tell your ward bluntly of her mis- 
 take well, what's the result? 
 
 SIR J. That I'm free ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Yes ! But at what cost ! 
 
 SIR J. Cost! What do you mean? 
 
 MOLLEN. The situation of which you com- 
 plained this afternoon will remain, will it not? 
 And intensified a million times. Nay, it will 
 have become impossible ! 
 
 SIR J. All this is beyond me! he turns ap- 
 pealingly to Lady Claude! Lady Claude! 
 
 LADY C. It is beyond me too, Sir Joseph but 
 papa knows he is infallible! 
 
 MOLLEN. The girl has confessed her love for 
 you. A love, mark you, that does not exist, but 
 that my explanation will call into being! 
 
 SIR J. (pettishly) Absurd!
 
 48 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 MOLLEN. But it's true! Her feeling for you, 
 at present a mere wayward infatuation, will at 
 once swell into romantic passion. She'll begin to 
 wither 
 
 SIR J. Wither? 
 
 MOLLEN. Fade on the stalk! Refuse her food 
 live on poetry and tea! Be a martyr! Then 
 anaemia acts in. Doctors, nurses, cures and all 
 the time, mind you, she's hugging an imaginary 
 grief! 
 
 SIR J. (Impatiently) But, why, in the name 
 of Heaven 
 
 MOLLEN. Heaven only knows. / didn't make 
 women I have merely observed them. If you 
 don't believe me, ask Rosamund. 
 
 LADY C. (demurely) Sir Joseph knows, I 
 always agree with Papa. 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise and up R. c.) And, mark you, 
 more, when I tell her you meant the nephew, she 
 at once proceeds to hate the nephew. 
 
 SIR J. (feebly) Hate him! 
 
 MOLLEN. Inevitably. 
 
 SIR J. Lady Claude! 
 
 LADY C. Papa means that her vanity will be 
 piqued. 
 
 SIR J. Vanity ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Complacently the essential ingred- 
 ient of a young woman's affections. 
 
 LADY C. The book says she will demand an 
 eternity to pass. 
 
 MOLLEN. A feminine figure of speech that re- 
 solves itself into months! But think of those 
 months with her sighing, dying, crying! (down 
 
 H. C.) 
 
 SIR J. (groaning) What a catastrophe! 
 
 MOLLEN. (up R. of SIR J.) You're sure quite 
 sure you won't marry her? 
 
 SIR J. (angrily) Mollentrave! (rising) If 
 this is all the help you can give me
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 4.9 
 
 MOLLEN. (forcing him back in his chair) Al- 
 ternatives! I merely suggest alternatives! You 
 don't marry that's settled, agreed. But I see 
 no reason why you should not be engaged ! 
 
 SIR J. (rising, MOLLEN. sits him again) En- 
 gaged! You're mad! 
 
 MOLLEN. (round back of c. table) Secret en- 
 gagement! You tell her paternal again you 
 give her a month to reflect. Secrecy all round 
 except us. You bound she free. 
 
 SIR J. How does that help me? 
 
 MOLLEN. Follow me closely, (to L. of table c.) 
 During that month you become senile. 
 
 SIR J. Senile! Why, hang it, I'm only forty- 
 five! 
 
 MOLLEN. And she's nineteen! Strip off your 
 limelight to her you're Methuselah! (sitting 
 L. of c. table.) 
 
 SIR J. (protesting) I 
 
 MOLLEN. (breaking in impetuously) My dear 
 friend, you don't really imagine that she loves 
 you? Whatever's real in her loves Everard or 
 any other good-looking young fellow of his age 
 whom she chances to meet. What she admires in 
 you is your talent, your position, your power. 
 Very well, take them off ! 
 
 SIR J. (blankly) How can I? 
 
 MOLLEN. I've told you be senile. Fidgety, 
 crochety sensitive to draughts dyspeptic 
 adore your food. Flannel nightcap false teeth 
 
 SIR J. (indignantly rising) I haven't ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Imagine you have. 
 
 (SiR J. re-sits.) 
 
 Speak of them often ! Boil your milk ! Ketire at 
 nine, have your paper warmed. Tell her you mean 
 to resign the House, give up the Bar, live in the 
 country, ten miles from a station, and write a, 
 book on Constitutional Law!
 
 50 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIB J. All that, eh? 
 
 MOLLEN. And dictate to her five hours a day! 
 Find fault with her spelling be always finding 
 fault! 
 
 SIB J. Lively for both of us ! But look here 
 seeing that she has lived with me for a year, and 
 I haven't been senile 
 
 MOLLEN. (with a petulant gesture) Tut, tut, 
 tut! Hitherto, you've concealed your little ail- 
 ments! But, now that you've won her, are sure 
 of her, you show yourself as you are! (me) Oh, 
 it's simple enough ! And so much for frontal at- 
 tack. ' (a step) As for skirmishes, we'll ask 
 Rosamund to be good enough to flirt with the 
 nephew 
 
 SIR J. (turning to her) To flirt you? 
 
 LADY C. (merrily) The poor boy will need 
 consolation. And if I can be of service 
 
 MOLLEN. (up to L. of table c. with a flourish) 
 Within two days she has the boy at her feet! 
 Then your bride becomes jealous. Your tyranny 
 offends her she begins to see you are old. Ro- 
 mance drops off like paper from a damp wall. 
 Everard's coolness piqued her she proceeds to 
 discover that she loves Everard. You in dressing 
 gown and slippers he young Greek god. And, 
 after a month's steady digging we arrive at 
 the real girl! 
 
 SIR J. A month 
 
 MOLLEN. May be less, may be less! Finally, 
 explanation you discover her in tears you 
 play the noble Koman, release her uncondition- 
 ally, Rosamund sends Everard to her you join 
 their hands. Slow music. Curtain. See? 
 
 SIB J. (rise and down R.) I don't like the idea 
 of an engagement, even though it be secret. But 
 look here if I did this how about Everard? 
 What should I say to him? 
 
 MOLLEN. (to bottom of c. table) Let him be-
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 51 
 
 lieve as he already believes that you admire 
 what's-her-name but mention the month's pro- 
 bation. Hint darkly at possibility of happy end- 
 ing, (to R. c. L. of SIR J.) Bring Everard down 
 to Swanage I answer for the rest ! 
 
 SIR J. (hesitating) It sounds plausible 
 though it's a fearful undertaking! But, before 
 deciding, I should like a word with Lady Claude. 
 Will you allow me? 
 
 MOLLEN. Certainly, certainly. I'll smoke a 
 cigarette down-stairs my habit, before dressing. 
 (cross up R) You'll find habits useful by the way 
 I've one or two that I'll tell you. I'll see you 
 before you go ! 
 
 (He retires cheerfully humming a tune, R.)' 
 
 SIR J. (to L. c.) Lady Claude, I've asked for 
 this because I scarcely know where I am, or 
 what I'm saying! Your father rattles on he 
 seems convincing he may be right but my in- 
 stinct tells me that, in this fearful muddle, you 
 are the surer guide ! 
 
 LADY C. I? 
 
 SIR. J. You ! If I spoke rather cynically this 
 afternoon if I have grown to think rather hardly 
 of women remember that there was one whom 
 I loved and she wouldn't have me ! 
 
 (LADY CLAUDE makes a gesture.)] 
 
 Oh, don't be alarmed I won't drag up the past. 
 No doubt, then, I was merely a wild, impetuous 
 youngster, like my poor Everard to-day. But I 
 have not forgotten how deeply I felt it.... 
 And here I seem, through my carelessness, to have 
 created sorrow for two young lives . . . I'm a selfish 
 man, of course I've shown it plainly enough! 
 but still I've tried honestly tried to do my
 
 52 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMBN. 
 
 duty by both of them.... Now I am urged to 
 play an odious comedy for it is odious, is it not? 
 
 LADY C. Deception can never be pleasant...., 
 You have all my sympathy. 
 
 SIR J. I need it, I need it ! Women, after all 
 are an unknown quantity to me. Your father has 
 compiled a series of tables, has dissected and ana- 
 lysed he may be right, I don't know but I 
 want you to guide me ! You, and you only ! 
 
 LADY C. (gently) What can / tell you? 
 (rise and cross c. and sitting on stool) 
 
 SIR J. (L. c.) In the first place, this. Is it 
 not rather my duty promptly to undeceive tho 
 girl, at any cost? Have I the right to play with 
 her affections? 
 
 LADY C. (hesitating) Sir Joseph 
 
 SIR J. Remember, I loved her father. He en- 
 trusted his daughter to me, his old friend. . . .To- 
 day, when I think of him! 
 
 LADY C. You want my honest opinion ? 
 
 SIR J. I do. 
 
 LADY C. Then what I have to say is said in a 
 very few words. One should not trifle with the 
 heart of a girl ! 
 
 SIR J. What am I to do? 
 
 LADY C. It is you, and you only, who can decide. 
 
 SIR J. Tell me what you think! 
 
 LADY C. The poor child has probably long 
 adored you in secret. She will have read senti- 
 ment into your very least words 
 
 SIR J. (with sudden recollection) Ha! the 
 flowers on my table, day after day! 
 
 LADY C. Laid there by her each morning, 
 fondly, tenderly 
 
 SIR J. Advise me ! I will follow you, blindly ! 
 
 LADY C. Do what is kindest! 
 
 SIR J. If I undeceive her the picture your 
 father has drawn and your father understands 
 women
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 53 
 
 LADY C. What he says may be true of ninety- 
 nine out of a hundred there is always the hun- 
 dredth. 
 
 SIR J. The hundredth yes I don't know I 
 know her so little! The disillusioning process 
 might be effective? 
 
 LADY C. It might. One cannot tell. 
 
 SIR J. (eagerly) Then shall I do it? Shall 
 I? 
 
 LADY C. You must know best. 
 
 SIR J. (with deep feeling) Rosamund, I am 
 appealing to you for your help ! 
 
 LADY C. (very earnestly, rise) Then, no! I 
 would do the honest, the straightforward thing! 
 ... .Go to her yourself, tell her of the mistake 
 but oh, so softly, so gently, (c) that her poor little 
 heart shall rest itself upon yours, and not feel 
 too ashamed ! Point out how unwise it would 
 be! Be so full of pity that the wound. .. .shall 
 be scarcely a bruise. . . .Be so tender, so human, 
 that her poor little tears shall freshen her heart, 
 and not scald it. . . .And let there be tears in your 
 heart too and no trace of laughter. .. .There! 
 That is my advice. But I may be wrong. . . . 
 
 SIR J. No, you are right I feel it! I go at 
 once, (round back of table to up R. c.) You will 
 tell your father, (coming down c. to R. of LADY 
 C.) And, my dear friend, my very dear friend, I 
 thank you ! 
 
 (He takes her hand, which she allows for a mo- 
 ment to rest in his. Suddenly MOLLENTRAVE'S 
 voice is heard outside. SIR JOSEPH falls back. 
 The door opens and MOLLENTRAVE ENTERS, perk- 
 ing and smiling, followed by MARGARET.) 
 
 SIR J. (away R. aghast) Margaret! 
 MOLLEN. (very volubly R. c.) My dear fellow, 
 Miss Messilent has had the charming idea to come
 
 54: MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 here and fetch you. Miss Messilent, let me intro- 
 duce you to my daughter, Lady Claude Deren- 
 ham. An admirer of your fianc6 like us all ! 
 
 SIB J. (B. blankly) Oh! 
 
 MABG. (c. shyly) Peters told me where you 
 had gone I thought 
 
 MOLLEN. (B. c. beaming) Sweet of you! 
 Balsted, I've told the young lady how immensely 
 pleased we all are ! And how lucky we think you, 
 at your time of life, to have secured so lovely a 
 bride ! 
 
 SIB J. (clearing his throat) I er I 
 
 MOLLBN. My dear Balsted, I am sure I am not 
 speaking my opinion alone when I say that never 
 did November find so delicious a May! When 
 is the wedding to be? 
 
 SIB J. (away B. savagely, beneath his breath) 
 Wedding, wedding 
 
 MABG. (sitting on stool c. LADY C. sits L. of c. 
 table coyly) He made me promise it would be 
 soon 
 
 MOLLEN. (chuckling) Ah, he did, did he? At 
 our age, you see, a man's in a hurry eh, Bal- 
 sted? Well, you're all coming with us to Swan- 
 age to-morrow 
 
 MABG. ( surprised ) S wanage ? 
 
 MOLLEN. Yes we've arranged with Sir Joseph. 
 He didn't tell you? Very remiss, of course 
 very remiss. He's a trifle dictatorial, I'm afraid 
 but you mustn't mind that you mustn't mind 
 that! 
 
 SIB J. (trying in vain to get hold of MOLLEN- 
 TBAVE) Mollentrave, I want 
 
 (SiB J. goes up B. to L. of LADY C. who rises) 
 
 MOLLEN. (to MABG ABET) When you marry a 
 distinguished and elderly man, my dear, you 
 must of course put up with a few little draw-
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 55 
 
 backs. May must be content with November's 
 ivy! Eh? 
 
 MARG. (rising and away n. to sofa and sitting) 
 Oh, but he's not so very elderly 
 
 MOLLEN. (following her to R.) Oh no, I mar- 
 ried a much older last week! I'll show you 
 his photograph, (shows photograph) 
 
 (He draws close to MARGARET and whispers mer- 
 rily to her, SIR JOSEPH goes to LADY CLAUDE.) 
 
 SIR J. (L.) He has done it! I can't retreat 
 now! It's impossible! 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) No I'm afraid. 
 
 SIR J. (Both go up L. c.) (wildly) Oh, that 
 father of yours! Well, there it is we must start 
 disillusioning! Senile! ha! and the rest! 
 There's nothing else for it! You'll help me? 
 
 LADY C. Of course I'll do what I can! 
 
 MARG. (rising) Joseph! 
 
 (SiR J. crosses to R.) 
 
 MARG. (Up R. c. holding SIR J/s arm, he is on 
 her L. She turns to LADY CLAUDE) Good-bye, 
 Lady Claude, I need (up R. c.) scarcely say my 
 husband's friends will be mine. 
 
 ( MOLLEN. goes up R. to open double doors.) 
 SIR J. (up R. c. groaning) Husband! 
 MARG. Good-bye, Mr. Mollentrave (sweetly)] 
 Come, Joseph! 
 SIR J. Oh! ! ! 
 
 (They EXIT R.) 
 
 '(She passes her arm beamingly through his and 
 walks him off. MOLLENTRAVE turns smiling to 
 LADY CLAUDE and rubs his hands.) 
 
 CURTAIN.
 
 56 
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Time of Representation, thirty-five minutes. 
 Sea and Harbor. 
 
 
 Fencing 
 
 
 Gate 
 
 \ 
 
 
 
 
 
 O 
 
 
 / Tree Vfm^a (~*\ 
 Raking Platform Earth 
 
 Tree WingsX 
 Raking Platform 
 
 /' 
 
 
 pse 
 sh 
 
 
 
 ree 
 
 nps 
 
 >x 
 
 Earth 
 mound 
 
 \ 
 
 Raking Platform 
 
 Ral 
 Plat 
 
 ring 
 !orm 
 
 
 
 / 
 
 O 
 
 2T 
 
 Stui 
 
 O 
 
 Earth 
 mound 
 
 \ 
 
 
 UraSS Mat.ttng 
 
 1 
 
 PROPERTIES USED. 
 
 Neck wrap. 
 
 Basket (containing) sweets, jelly and scarf. 
 
 Times paper. 
 
 Telegram and telegram form.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 5? 
 
 'ACT III. 
 
 The garden of MR. MOLLENTRAVE'S house in Swan- 
 age. A low fence runs at back, with a thick 
 hedge; behind is the sea, to which a winding 
 path leads, down the rock. .There are alleys 
 running to right and left. Miss TREABLE is 
 seated on the tree L. c. with DEXTER standing 
 before her. A week has elapsed since the last 
 Act. 
 
 DEXTER, (c.) Yes, Miss Treable, lie is a great 
 man a very great man! His powers of insight 
 are most extraordinary! I trust you do not 
 resent his as it were stripping off the pigment 
 and exposing the unvarnished canvas? 
 
 Miss TRE. (is sitting R. tree trunk, haughtily) 
 I have no doubt that what Mr. Mollentrave says 
 may be true of some women but certainly not of 
 ME! 
 
 DEXTER, (bowing] You are naturally an ex- 
 ception. His remarks must be taken as applying 
 generally to the sex. (down L. c.) 
 
 Miss TRE. Kegarded from that point of view 
 
 DEXTER, (up c.) Ah, Miss Treable, in my own 
 humble life I have derived the greatest benefit 
 from Mr. Mollentrave's teaching! And like all 
 geniuses he is so modest! One of his most bril- 
 liant aphorisms was I say it with pride in- 
 spired by me. 
 
 Miss TRE. (indifferent) Indeed? 
 
 DEXTER. (R. c. resting on L tree trunk) I 
 assure you. You must know that my wife has a 
 large circle of relations. I will confess to you
 
 58 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 that I somewhat resented their constant inter- 
 ference in our affairs. I mentioned the matter to 
 Mr. Mollentrave. Without a moment's hesitation 
 that remarkable man dictated the line : " Marital 
 happiness begins when the wife's relations leave 
 off!" 
 
 Miss TRB. (sarcastic) Profound. Very. 
 
 DEXTER, (sit on L. trunk) He has permitted 
 me to compile a little volume of extracts, " The 
 Mollentrave Birthday Book " one coruscation 
 for every day of the year. A good idea, is it not? 
 (rising) 
 
 Miss TRE. (rising) Admirable! But I doubt 
 whether many women will buy the book, (down 
 
 R.) 
 
 DEXTER, (moving off) If all those who con- 
 sider themselves exceptions purchase it, Miss 
 Treable, I shall be perfectly satisfied, (goes up 
 c.) 
 
 (He goes through the gate. SIR JOSEPH comes 
 stealthily along looking worried and haggard 
 R. 3 E.) 
 
 Miss TRE. (R. c. brightly) Good morning, Sip 
 Joseph. 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Good morning. I had hoped to 
 find Mr. Mollentrave here. Do you happen to 
 know 
 
 Miss TRE. Would you wish me to tell him? 
 
 SIR J. I should be much obliged. 
 
 (Miss TREABLE EXITS R. 3 E.) 
 
 (SiR JOSEPH throws himself on the grass L. and 
 plucks savagely at it, muttering to himself. 
 After a moment MARGARET comes running from 
 the house R. 3. E., looks round, and gives a glad 
 cry as she sees SIR J. The cry becomes re-
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 59 
 
 proachful when she finds he is lying on the 
 grass. She carries a small basket in her hand.) 
 
 MARG. Oh, Joseph, dear Joseph, how could 
 you! Lying on the grass! (puts basket down R. 
 c. and helps SIR J. to rise.) 
 
 SIR J. (L.) (getting up. Miserably) H'm 
 I 
 
 MARG. (L. c.) Wicked man! With your rheu- 
 matism! And no muffler! I found it in the hall ! 
 Oh, naughty, naughty! (she produces it from the 
 basket) Here it is, sir! Put it on at once! 
 (puts muffler round him) (taking him to R. c.) 
 ( he sits R. trunk of tree) And it's twelve o'clock ! 
 I've brought your essence here and a spoon. 
 (she produces them from the basket and feeds 
 him) What would you do without me? 
 
 SIR J. Impossible to conceive! 
 
 MARG. (she sits on his L.) Take it, sir! (he 
 laps it up piteously) To think of you all these 
 years, having to look after yourself, and hide, be- 
 cause he wouldn't let his little girl see how ill he 
 was! Oh, poor, poor! (she feeds him a second 
 time and wipes his mouth with the muffler) But 
 she'll take care of him now! Only wasn't it 
 wicked of you to slip off like that? You had only 
 dictated for an hour and a half ! 
 
 SIR J. I thought you were tired! 
 
 MARG. (with enthusiasm) Tired! I could go 
 on forever ! It's immensely interesting fascinat- 
 ing. Oh, how wonderful you are! 
 
 SIR J. (clearing his throat) H'm I 
 
 MARG. Constitutional Law, one would think 
 would be a dry subject. To me it's a fairy tale. 
 
 SIR J. Er 
 
 MARG. Perhaps because you are speaking! 
 You! Nouns and adjectives cease to be parts of 
 speech they become parts of you! 
 
 SIR J. (with a great effort) I have frequently
 
 60 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 had occasion to remark to you, Margaret, that I 
 have a great distaste for sentimentality. I have 
 explained to you the month of probation 
 
 MARG. One week has expired. Has it been a 
 week? Can the days have flown so quickly? 
 
 SIR J. They have evidently contrived to. Al- 
 though 
 
 MARG. (rise, up c.) See how the sun is shining 
 how radiant the water is and the sky! The 
 dancing sunlight! Oh, what does it say to you, 
 the sunlight! (down R. c. to SIR J.) 
 
 SIR J. (impatiently} It says to me that it's 
 very hot and that we're talking nonsense. 
 
 MARG. Oh, let us, for once ! I've been so good ! 
 Joseph, you coughed ! You must take a lozenge. 
 (she produces a box from the basket) You must! 
 Mr. Mollentrave says that you have the begin- 
 nings of asthma. 
 
 [(She opens the box, takes out a lozenge, and 
 forces it between Ms lips. He swallows it, 
 pathetically.) 
 
 Miss Treable and I are practising first aid, in 
 case you should fall down 
 
 SIR J. (savagely) And why in the name of 
 goodness should I fall down? 
 
 MARG. Mr. Mollentrave told me that your limbs 
 are rather unsteady 
 
 SIR J. (clenching his fists) Ah, Mollentrave, 
 Mollentrave ! ! 
 
 MARG. (kneeling on his L. She puts his arm 
 on her shoulders, fondly) But have no fear, dear 
 one! You shall lean on me I shall be your 
 crutch, your support ! Oh, the thought of us two 
 in our cottage just you and I! I dream of it! 
 
 SIR J. (growling, taking arm away) No 
 dances no theatres not even a visitor 
 
 MARG. Shall I want any of these when I have
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 61 
 
 you ! You, who have given up all for my sake 
 for me! 
 
 SIR J. (fidgeting] H'm but still I fancy 
 you'll find it dull 
 
 MARGARET. I? Never! You don't know me 
 yet not altogether, I mean. Oh, if you would let 
 me speak to you about myself 
 
 SIR J. (rise and cross c., throwing lozenge 
 away fretfully) That theme is barred by con- 
 sent. Don't you think you had better go back to 
 the house? Unless you would like to bathe? 
 
 MARGARET, (rise, firmly) No you do not 
 bathe I shall not either. No pleasure in which 
 you cannot join, can henceforth be a pleasure to 
 
 me 
 
 SIR J. (turning up stage groaning) Come 
 we'll go back to Law! (he rises) 
 
 MARGARET. Yes, yes let us ! But stay I have 
 a word to say to you 
 
 SIR J. More words? 
 
 MARGARET. Not of myself this time nor of you 
 but of Everard! 
 
 SIR J. (with a gleam of hope) Everard! 
 
 MARGARET, (reproachfully) Oh, Joseph, my 
 own Joseph, what a suspicion! Could you ima- 
 gine ! Oh ! 
 
 SIR J. (groaning again) He is more of your 
 age I thought I told you I should not blame 
 you 
 
 MARGARET. Never dare to hint at such a thing 
 again! I regard him it is my duty to regard 
 him with the serene, but affectionate eyes, of an 
 aunt, (sit R. c.) 
 
 SiRj. (c.) Aunt! 
 
 MARGARET. And I confess it grieves me to 
 see him so much taken up with Lady Claude. 
 
 SIR J. (eagerly) Ah, you have noticed 
 
 MARGARET. Day after day he is with her 
 with her all the time. She ah, Joseph, you may
 
 62 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 not have observed it but women have quick eyes! 
 Lady Claude was a friend of yours once, I know 
 but she is a designing woman ! 
 
 SIR J. (angrily) I say! Look here! 
 
 MARGARET. Oh, I mean nothing unkind. Wo- 
 men of that age she is at least thirty-five nat- 
 urally crave to be admired. And it is perfectly 
 plain to me that she is drawing Everard on. 
 
 SIR J. (grimly) Really! 
 
 MARGARET. She flirts with him outrageously! 
 She won't let him out of her sight! I've been 
 looking forward to finding him a wife you and 
 I together some girl who would make him happy. 
 . . . But Lady Claude ! 
 
 SIR J. (cunningly) Everard certainly seems 
 to admire her 
 
 MARGARET. Is it not incomprehensible! She's 
 so old. 
 
 SIR J. H'm, if it's the disproportion of age 
 that shocks you, think of us! I fifty and you 
 nineteen ! 
 
 MARGARET, (rise, and up to him) My love 
 shall twine round you so softly that we shall 
 divide my youth shall share it. And, in the 
 days to come, we shall ask which one is old 
 Joseph or Margaret? 
 
 SIR J. (sulkily) Conundrums of that kind 
 will be useful, on winter evenings, with the wind 
 howling down the chimney, and the rain coming 
 through the roof (turn away L.) 
 
 MARGARET, (getting on SIR J.'s L.) There can 
 be no wind when you are near me, and no rain 
 can come through the roof of our love ! 
 
 SIR J. (throwing up his hands in despair) 
 Oh, no more at present, please ! 
 
 MARGARET, (laying a hand on his arm) You'll 
 speak to Everard? 
 
 SIR J. Why on earth should I?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 63 
 
 MARGARET. Joseph ! Shall we let the poor boy 
 throw himself away on 
 
 SIR J. (R. c. laughing hysterically) Ha, ha! 
 Oh, that's very good! Throw himself away on 
 Lady Claude! 
 
 MARGARET, (c.) (offended) You think it's 
 impossible? But I tell you I've seen 
 
 SIR J. My child, we've talked nonsense enough 
 for one morning. Let's go. (takes her hand and 
 is about to lead her away R. MOLLENTRAVE 
 comes in breezily up L. c.) Ah, there's Mollen- 
 trave. I must have a word with him. Run on to 
 the house I'll follow, (giving her the basket) 
 
 MARGARET, (fondly R.) Come soon, dear one 
 come soon. When my eyes do not rest on you 
 they grow tired with waiting! 
 
 SIR J. (R. c.) Please go, there's a good girl! 
 
 (MARGARET departs regretfully R. 3 E. MOLLEN- 
 TRAVE has been coming from the other side. He 
 wears his usual air of supreme satisfaction) 
 
 MOLLEN. (up L. c.) You want me, Balsted? 
 All going well? 
 
 SIR J. (savagely R. c. takes muffler off) Oh, 
 wonderfully well. The way we're progressing is 
 extraordinary very ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (his head on one side) The trained 
 observer would almost detect a suspicion of 
 satire. 
 
 SIR J. Satire ! Heaven forbid ! It's true that 
 the girl grows fonder and fonder 
 
 MOLLEN. She has only tasted the jam so far 
 but the powder's working! 
 
 SIR J. She Josephs me from morning till 
 night! She'll be calling me Joey soon, (down 
 R. c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) No, no, Balsted! I should not 
 encourage her in the use of the diminutive !
 
 64: MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIR J. (savagely) Gurrh! Look here, Mol- 
 lentrave 
 
 MOLLEN. Impatient person! I said a month, 
 did I not? So far but a week has passed (MOL- 
 LENTRAVE sits L. c.) 
 
 SIR J. (sit R. c.) Another week will drive me 
 crazy. I dictate law to her the dullest stuff I 
 can find I tell you she likes it, she never wants 
 me to stop ! 
 
 MOLLEN. You will forgive me, my dear Balsted 
 but have we been quite senile enough ? 
 
 SIR J. Senile! Have I been senile? Ilaven't 
 I simulated aches and pains, and congenital in- 
 sanity, till I simply detest myself? Man, she 
 loves me the more for it ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (airily) Merely the first stage, Bal- 
 sted ! Peeling ! 
 
 SIR J. I can't go on I tell you I can't ! The 
 fact is, Mollentrave, that you've been hopelessly 
 wrong. 
 
 MOLLEN. (emphatically) Events are follow- 
 ing exactly the path that I had marked out ; they 
 are, with unerring precision, pursuing to a hairs- 
 breadth the line I had indicated in my mind. 
 
 SIR J. (sarcastic) Indeed! Then perhaps 
 you'll explain 
 
 MOLLEN. My dear Balsted, believe that I make 
 not the slightest reflection upon your intelligence 
 when I remark that a general's plans are rarely 
 comprehensible to his subalterns. 
 
 SIR J. (pettishly) This is not a case 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise and go c.) Pardon me, but it 
 is. If I may borrow an analogy from your legal 
 jargon, I am the leader here, and you the junior. 
 Is that not so? 
 
 SIR J. I have made up my mind. I shall tell 
 her the truth. 
 
 MOLLEN. Do and they'll drag up her body on, 
 Swanage beach to-morrow.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 65 
 
 SIR J. Absurd ! 
 
 MOLLEN. Let that sentimental girl realize that 
 she has been fooled she'll take her life. That's 
 certain. And as her hair's long she'll choose the 
 sea. (away L. and up L. c.) 
 
 SIR J. Unfortunately I've lost my faith in you, 
 Mollentrave. 
 
 MOLLEN. (shrugging his shoulders) That, of 
 course, is a pity. 
 
 SIR J. Am I not justified? See your great 
 scheme about Everard! She isn't jealous at all. 
 
 MOLLEN. Has she spoken about him? 
 
 SIR J. Yes she wants to find him a wife. 
 
 MOLLEN. And not a word about Rosamund? 
 
 SIR J. She thinks Lady Claude flirts with him, 
 and doesn't seem to like it. But, beyond that 
 
 MOLLEN. (triumphantly) Beyond that! And 
 you complain! Balsted, that's love! The real 
 girl creeping up, through the cotton wool! My 
 dear fellow ! Couldn't be better ! It couldn't in- 
 deed! 
 
 SIR J. I don't know she didn't speak like that 
 at all. And the boy has been odd he avoids me 
 he doesn't address one word to Margaret 
 
 MOLLEN. (with emphasis) The boy follows 
 the rule ! He nurses his passion. Rosamund con- 
 soles him she always talks about Margaret! 
 What more do you want? And the girl thinks 
 they flirt ! He watches her hungrily oh, I've ob- 
 served it! he waits for his hour. You'll see. 
 
 SIR J. (with a gleam of hope) You really 
 think that? You really think that? 
 
 MOLLEN. (sits on JOSEPH'S L.) I give you my 
 word I never believed matters could be so far ad- 
 vanced. 
 
 SIR J. Then perhaps I had better go on? 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise. SIR J. rises) Would you 
 turn back, with the harbour lights in sight? 
 Look here, I'll knock off a fortnight! I ask for
 
 66 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 one week more just one week ! And before that's 
 out you'll have them both on their knees to you. 
 
 (LADY CLAUDE comes in R. 3 E. and crosses L. c.) 
 
 Rosamund, Rosamund! Balsted has been com- 
 plaining losing heart! Tell us about Everard! 
 He's always talking of Margaret? 
 
 LADY C. (up c., sadly) Always, always! 
 For hours at a time. 
 
 MOLLEN. (up R. c. turning triumphantly to SIR 
 J.) Balsted ! 
 
 LADY C. (plaintively) She's a very sweet girl, 
 and I'm fond of her but the subject's beginning 
 to pall ! 
 
 (MARGARET off cries "Joseph") 
 
 MOLLEN. She's calling you, Balsted. 
 SIR J. (down R. sulkily) Let her call. 
 
 (MARGARET off louder "Joseph! Joseph!") 
 
 MOLLEN. You must go to her, Balsted! Play 
 the game. One week more 
 
 SIR J. I'd rather spend it in gaol, picking 
 oakum. (MARGARET off, "Joseph! JOSEPH!!") 
 Oh, Mollentrave, if it were not for your daughter, 
 how I'd wish that I never had met you ! 
 
 (He goes miserably R. 3 E.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (coming down R. shaking his head) 
 And that man, Rosamund, is one of our most emi- 
 nent lawyers! 
 
 LADY C. (down R. c.) Papa, I must tell you 
 it's strange though Everard and I talk of 
 nothing but Margaret every day, from two till 
 seven 
 
 MOLLEN. Well? 
 
 LADY C. (pathetically) Think of it! From 
 two till seven every day !
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 67 
 
 MOLLEN. Science must have its martyrs ! Tell 
 yourself that you're watching human love wriggle 
 under the microscope ! 
 
 LADY C. Though he recounts, with minutest 
 detail, every word she has spoken to him since 
 they first met what she said, what he said, how 
 she looked, what she wore, the gestures she made 
 still, and for all that, I have a feeling at times, 
 a kind of idea 
 
 MOLLEN. (waving Ms arm) My child, you 
 know my opinion of feminine intuition! In my 
 book I class it under the head of popular fallacies. 
 (with a change of voice, and sudden energy} 
 Rosamund, I imagine the moment to be almost 
 ripe for my grand coup! (takes LADY CLAUDE'S 
 hands and sits her R. c. on his L.) 
 
 LADY C. What will you do? 
 
 MOLLEN. (sitting R.) I shall now proceed to 
 work on the clay. I will provoke Everard to 
 frenzy. 
 
 LADY C. How? 
 
 MOLLEN. He knows of course of the month of 
 probation he builds on that. To-day he shall 
 learn that Balsted proposes, at the earliest possi- 
 ble moment, to lead Margaret to the altar! 
 
 LADY C. (doubtfully) You will tell him that? 
 
 MOLLEN. I will. And the result? A scene be- 
 tween the two young people before which the most 
 passionate episodes of Romeo and Juliet pale into 
 insignificance! For I shall also tell Margaret 
 that you have fallen desperately in love with 
 Everard ! 
 
 LADY C. (protesting] Papa ! You will never 
 say that! 
 
 MOLLEN. Discreetly by nods and jerks oh, 
 you may trust me! And there ensues in chem- 
 ical parlance a liberation of two gases that 
 meet and explode ! 
 
 LADY C. (rise, up c.) Oh, I hope that they'll
 
 63 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 explode soon ! See, there he is under the trees ! 
 He is waiting. 
 
 MOLLEN. (rise and up R.) Let him come I 
 will leave you. Prepare him, Rosamund pave 
 the way lay down the stones then 7 shall come 
 the steam roller! I have every confidence in 
 you, my child. 
 
 (He skips off nimbly R. 3 E. after an instant 
 EVERARD comes in L. 3 E.) 
 
 LADY C. (c.) Ah, Everard my father has 
 just left me we were talking of Margaret. 
 
 EVERARD. (c. on her L.) (indifferently) Ah? 
 
 LADY C. The sweet girl! How beautiful she 
 looks to-day! 
 
 EVERARD. She has a certain prettiness 
 
 LADY C. Oh, Everard, her eyes ! I don't think 
 I ever have seen such eyes! One moment so 
 tender another so deep and glowing 
 
 EVERARD. As your father says, Lady Claude, 
 those qualities are common to the optic organs of 
 all mammals. And let me ask you why will 
 you always speak about Margaret? 
 
 LADY C. Because I admire her so much! She 
 has youth ah, youth! (sit R. c.) And besides, 
 dear Everard, it seems to me that Margaret has 
 been a favourite topic with us both ! 
 
 EVERARD. (sit R. c. on her L.) To-day at least 
 I decline to talk of her but of you only of you. 
 
 LADY C. There is nothing to say of me, dear 
 Everard. I was. Among you young people I 
 seem to move like a tradition. Margaret snys 
 the things I used to say she dreams my dead 
 dreams. And I am fond of her because I see in 
 her my old self. 
 
 EVERARD. (eagerly) That self has not suffered 
 time only has mellowed it wisdom has crowned 
 it
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 69 
 
 LADY C. (cheerfully) You must not waste 
 those pretty speeches on me! And tell me, why 
 this affected indifference? Do I not know how 
 passionately you adore her? 
 
 EVERARD. (rising) Lady Claude, I will con- 
 fess to you, frankly and honestly, there was a 
 time when I believed I loved Margaret 
 
 LADY C. (staring) When you believed ! 
 
 EVERARD. As your father observes quoting 
 Tolstoy, I think I was attracted by a well-fit- 
 ting jersey and a pair of Paris shoes. 
 
 LADY C. Everard! 
 
 EVERARD. But it was, I need scarcely say, the 
 merest infatuation 
 
 LADY C. What ! ! ! 
 
 EVERARD. Could it have been other since now 
 I am conscious how wholeheartedly I love 
 you! 
 
 LADY C. (wildly) Me! You love me! 
 
 EVERARD. You. My feeling for Margaret was 
 immature sex-attraction. At your feet (kneeling 
 on her L.) I lay the profound and reasoned de- 
 votion of a man. Rosamund, I love you. I ask 
 you to marry me. Be my wife! 
 
 LADY C. (aghast and helpless, rise and cross 
 L.) You can't mean this? (He tries to take her 
 hand,, she rises hurriedly and eludes him. SIR J. 
 comes from R. 3. E. ) (L. c.) There is your uncle. 
 Leave us, leave us ! 
 
 EVERARD. (c.) Why? I will tell him 
 
 LADY C. No, no! Go to my father! Let him 
 know ! Please ! 
 
 EVERARD. Since you wish it. (He goes up R., 
 passing SIR J. haughtily) I shall return for my 
 answer, (he goes) 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) He has proposed! 
 
 SiRj. (R. c.) What!!! 
 
 LADY C. Imagine it! He has fallen in love 
 with me !
 
 fO MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 SIR J. (slowly) Everard has fallen in love 
 with you? 
 
 LADY C. Yes! Imagine it! A catastrophe! 
 
 SIR J. (dully, down R. c. and sitting) Very 
 awkward. Very. 
 
 LADY C. (c.) How could one conceive it! 
 I've been sympathetic that's all! Talked about 
 Margaret! Oh, I assure you, I've done nothing 
 but talk about Margaret! 
 
 SIR J. There's something odd about boys and 
 girls nowadays. But, of course, it's all Mollen- 
 trave (Tie clenches his fist) 
 
 LADY C. What must I do? Tell me advise 
 me! 
 
 SIR J. You haven't accepted him? 
 
 LADY C. (indignantly) Sir Joseph! 
 
 SIR J. You see, things are just a trifle topsy- 
 turvy. My bride grows more and more de- 
 voted. 
 
 LADY C. I'm completely bewildered ! The poor 
 boy seemed terribly in earnest 
 
 SIR J. So does the poor girl ! I'd like to shake 
 them both in a bag! Well, you'll have a week of 
 it now. 
 
 LADY C. How to refuse him without 
 
 SIR J. You'd better accept him why not? 
 You'll find, we'll both have to marry them. Then, 
 some day perhaps, they'll elope together and 
 Mollentrave on Women will rub his hands and 
 cry " There ! " 
 
 LADY C. (very distressed) What am I to say 
 to Everard? Oh, what? 
 
 SIR J. Be senile ! Boil your milk ! 
 
 LADY C. (indignantly) Sir Joseph! Is this 
 your sympathy? (sit L.) 
 
 SIR J. (meekly and deprecatingly , rise and to 
 L. c.) My dear friend, I've had seven days of 
 Margaret. I thought my brain was fairly strong
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. ft 
 
 but it's giving. I tell you I'm growing helpless 
 turning to pulp 
 
 LADY C. But advise me advise me! 
 
 SIR J. I can't. You know it sounds absurd 
 I did have some hopes of marrying you myself 
 I did indeed, (away R.) Well, now Everard 
 claims you and I shall soon be led by Margaret 
 to the altar, with Miss Treable propping me up 
 on the other side. We can't do anything that's 
 how matters are ! 
 
 LADY C. Do you think I will marry Everard? 
 
 SIR J. (helplessly sit R. c.) I don't know I 
 don't think at all. Mollentrave does the thinking 
 Mollentrave ! 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE bustles in, 'beaming, R. 3 E.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) (looking wonderingly from one 
 to the other) Dear me, why this air of depres- 
 sion? 
 
 LADY C. (both rise and up to knoll) Depres- 
 sion ! Papa ! Have you seen Everard ? 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) I have, this very moment. 
 
 LA R DY*C } (excitedly) Well? Well? 
 
 MOLLEN. (looking from one to the other)' 
 Rosamund! Balsted! You surely wouldn't have 
 me believe that you are not pleased? 
 
 SIR J. (amazed) Pleased! 
 
 MOLLEN. (emphatically) Yes, sir, I say 
 pleased at this magnificent development of my 
 scheme ! 
 
 LADY C. When Everard wants to marry me! 
 
 SIR J. And has ceased to love Margaret! 
 
 MOLLEN. (more in sorrow than in anger) 
 Amazing! You, Balsted, you well you don't 
 surprise me. But Rosamund my own child 
 no, I should not have believed it! 
 
 SIR J. Did he, or did he not, inform you that 
 he had proposed to your daughter?
 
 Y2 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 MOLLEN. He most undoubtedly did. 
 
 SIR J. And was that what you wanted? 
 
 MOLLEN. Can you ask? What else? 
 
 LADY C. (reproachfully) Papa! When you 
 said 
 
 MOLLEN. My dear child, I do not admit even 
 you into my closest confidence. You have done 
 your share, both of you now leave me to do mine. 
 
 SIR J. Will you condescend to inform us 
 
 MOLLEN. You will continue the treatment as 
 before. 
 
 SIR J. (madly) I am to go on with Mar- 
 garet 
 
 MOLLEN. (calmly) You are. 
 
 LADY C. (helplessly) And I? 
 
 MOLLEN. Will persistently sympathise with 
 Everard. 
 
 LADY C. But he has proposed! What am I to 
 do? 
 
 MOLLEN. Be flattered in case of need even 
 affectionate. 
 
 LADY C. (horror stricken) Affectionate! 
 (away L., and sitting.) 
 
 MOLLEN. Discreetly remotely let us say, in 
 a spiritual and disembodied fashion. You may, 
 if you wish it, hint at Lord Contareen 
 
 SIR J. (looking up eagerly) Lord Contareen? 
 
 MOLLEN. Ah, didn't you know? He and my 
 daughter (MARGARET calls "Joseph" and comes 
 in with the " Times " in her hand.) Pardon me 
 there's the girl. I'll send her away I have to 
 give you further instructions. Wait here I 
 shan't be a moment. 
 
 (He goes quickly to MARGARET off R. 3 E V and 
 walks her off, talking eagerly to her.) 
 
 SIR J. (across to L. c v sitting) (excitedly.) 
 What is this about Lord Contareen?
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 73 
 
 LADY C. A foolish creature, whom Papa wishes 
 me to marry. 
 
 SIR J. (aghast) Marry! What, what! Marry 
 you! 
 
 LADY C. Yes. And he thinks 
 
 SIR J. Rosamund! Is there a man in the 
 world whom you can marry but me! 
 
 LADY C. Sir Joseph ! You said just now 
 
 SIR J. (kneeling on her R.) Rosamund, I love 
 you! I always have loved you! You know it! 
 
 LADY C. (embarrassed) I I 
 
 SIR J. During this diabolic week there has at 
 least been you! You'll marry me, won't you? 
 
 LADY C. Oh, Sir Joseph, is this the time 
 
 SIR J. It is, it is! To the devil with all the 
 rest! We'll elope! 
 
 LADY C. Elope? 
 
 SIR J. Yes and leave Mollentrave to settle 
 matters! Rosamund, tell me! 
 
 LADY C. What can I tell you? What? 
 
 SIR J. That you care for me! Will you? 
 
 LADY C. But you are not free! 
 
 SIR J. (wildly) Not free, not free! But 
 when I am as I shall be, I swear it! then ? 
 
 LADY C. Then oh, then I shall say "yes" 
 many times! 
 
 SIR J. (rise and raising her) Rosamund 
 dearest ! 
 
 (He rushes towards her she stays him with a 
 gesture.) 
 
 LADY C. Hush! He's coming back! 
 (Sm JOSEPH gets lack R.) 
 
 (MOLLENTRAVE bustles in R. 3 E., holding the 
 "Times" in his hand.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) She was bringing you the
 
 74: MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 " Times " here it is she assures me it has been 
 warmed and all the microbes boiled out of it! 
 You are so fussy, Balsted! Here! (He hands 
 him the paper.) 
 
 (SiR JOSEPH takes paper, goes up R. c.) 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) Papa! Does Margaret 
 know? 
 
 MOLLBN. About Everard? Oh yes. And of 
 course she's indignant. Although she adores our 
 friend Balsted, she resents the desertion of an an- 
 cient admirer. 
 
 SIR J. (coming down c.) I fail to see how 
 this helps us. 
 
 MOLLBN. (R. c.) Balsted, Balsted, you surely 
 affect this denseness! I've told Everard, by the 
 way, that he has my full consent and approval. 
 
 LADY C. (L. c.) Papa! 
 
 MOLLEN. That the decision rests with my 
 daughter 
 
 LADY C. (cross to c.) With me! What am I 
 to say to him? 
 
 SIR J. (L. c.) (whispering to her) We'll 
 elope! 
 
 MOLLEN. In the meantime Balsted will be 
 good enough to overwhelm Margaret with his 
 elderly devotion 
 
 SIR J. I won't ! 
 
 MOLLEN. You will ! Where you were doddery 
 before, you will now be paralytic! You will, for 
 the next week, refuse to stir from the house, or 
 let Margaret do as much as budge from your side ! 
 
 SIR J. (ironic) Really? 
 
 MOLLEN. Yes. And Rosamund does more or 
 less the same with Everard. 
 
 LADY C. Papa, I can't! I tell you I can't! 
 
 MOLLEN. You must! / tell you, you must! 
 (LADY C. goes up c.)
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. f 5 
 
 (MARGARET calls "Joseph" and appears at the 
 same place as before. BALSTED is L.) 
 
 (Down L. c.) The girl again! Balsted, we will 
 leave you with her. Read your paper she 
 mustn't think we've been plotting. Read it, I 
 say at present you're simply glaring ! 
 
 LADY C. (up R. c. intercepting MARGARET 
 speaking very gently) Margaret my dear 
 Margaret ! 
 
 MARGARET, (up R. coldly) I congratulate 
 you, Lady Claude. 
 
 LADY C. You congratulate me ! You believe 
 
 MOLLEN. (up c.) (sternly) Rosamund, I 
 want you! Come! 
 
 (He marches her off L. u. E., MARGARET looks scorn- 
 fully after her, then sits on the grass, close to 
 SIR J. who holds the paper as a shield.) 
 
 (SiR JOSEPH crosses R. and sits.) 
 
 MARGARET, (c., reproachfully) Joseph, I 
 warned you! You refused to take any steps! 
 Now you see! 
 
 (SiR JOSEPH turns over the paper wildly.) 
 
 MARGARET. It is unpardonable of them both, 
 but he, the poor boy, is at least to be pitied. 
 There really should be a law against elderly wo- 
 men marrying mere boys! But it's our duty to 
 do something, isn't it, Joseph? We really can't 
 stand by and allow him to be so foolish can we? 
 
 (EVERARD comes in, R. 3. B.) 
 
 Ah, Everard, Everard! We have heard the 
 news. Your uncle has something to say to you 
 haven't you, Joseph?
 
 76 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 (Comes down R. c. taps Mm on the arm, SIR 
 JOSEPH suddenly leaps up R. c. with a wild 
 yell) 
 
 (EVERARD comes down L. c.) 
 
 MARGARET. Oh, what is it? Another attack, 
 Joseph ? 
 
 SIR J. (flourishing the paper and pointing to 
 a paragraph) Here, here, who has done this? 
 I say, who has done this? 
 
 EVERARD. (amazed at his vehemence) Why, 
 uncle 
 
 MARGARET, (rushing up with smelling salts) 
 Joseph, you know you should not get excited! 
 
 SIR J. (shaking her off) Leave me alone! 
 Go away! I want to know how it got into the 
 papers! (cross to c.) Who said it? Who? 
 
 MARGARET. (R. c.) Said what, Joseph dear? 
 What has happened? 
 
 SIR J. (c. fiercely) There's an announce- 
 ment here that I mean to resign the House, and 
 give up the Bar ! 
 
 MARGARET. Oh! That wretched man must 
 have put it in ! 
 
 SIR J. (glaring at her) Man! What man? 
 
 MARGARET. He called to see you yesterday, 
 while you were resting. I couldn't disturb you, 
 of course so I 
 
 SIR J. (choking with rage) You saw him? 
 You? 
 
 MARGARET. And I told him I was so proud! 
 
 SIR J. You told him ! But it's not true ! 
 
 MARGARET, (staggering) What!!! 
 
 SIR J. (wild with excitement and fury) No 
 it's not true it's none of it true! Oh, you 
 idiot ! 
 
 EVERARD. (L. c. advancing, horror-stricken) 
 Uncle ! How dare you ! 
 
 SIR J. (ignoring EVERARD and still glaring at
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. tf 
 
 MARGARET) None of it true ! All sham and hum- 
 bug, you wretched little idiot! 
 
 (He rushes off wildly R. 3 E., MARGARET bursts into 
 a torrent of hysterical softs, and sinks on to the 
 seat R. EVERARD is deeply moved following 
 SIR JOSEPH to R. and then impetuously to her.) 
 
 EVERARD. (R. c. deeply pained) Margaret! 
 Don't cry ! Don't ! 
 
 MARGARET, (between her sobs) Go go 
 leave me ! Go to your Lady Claude ! Who cares 
 about me! 
 
 EVERARD. (humbly) Margaret!!! 
 
 MARGARET. He has deceived me I see it all 
 now! The cottage in the country the beautiful 
 book (wringing her hands) (rise and cross 
 L.) Oh, can men be so wicked ! 
 
 (EVERARD follows her L. c.) 
 
 (Feebly) It was so sweet his giving up all 
 for me! His being so helpless, and wanting me, 
 so much ! And now oh, wretched girl that I am ! 
 (her sobs burst forth afresh, go up c. and sit, 
 pushing EVERARD away) 
 
 EVERARD. (up R. c.) Margaret! Don't! I 
 can't stand it ! 
 
 MARGARET. The wickedness of it! Oh, the 
 wickedness ! 
 
 EVERARD. But you loved him! You told me 
 you loved him ! When he proposed 
 
 MARGARET. It was such a surprise and I was 
 so flattered! But love! How could I love an 
 old man ! 
 
 EVERARD. (more and more bewildered, sits up 
 c. on her R.) Margaret! 
 
 MARGARET. An ugly old man! 
 
 EVERARD, What what !
 
 78 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 MARGARET. And I I admired him, of course. 
 But I confess that at first only then, when Mr. 
 Mollentrave told me of all his diseases Everard ! 
 His heart isn't weak? 
 
 EVERARD. (rise) No! 
 
 MARGARET. His limbs aren't feeble? 
 
 EVERARD. Not in the least ! 
 
 MARGARET. He's not even asthmatic? 
 
 EVERARD. No more than I am ! 
 
 MARGARET, (raising her hands pathetically to 
 Heaven] Oh ! ! ! And yet how great his love must 
 be, for him to have stooped to this ! 
 
 EVERARD. (scornfully} His love! He has 
 called you an idiot ! You ! 
 
 MARGARET, (sobbing again) Yes a wretched 
 little idiot ! And what had I done to deserve 
 it! (EVERARD sits c.) Oh, leave me, leave me! 
 Go to your Lady Claude! 
 
 EVERARD. (trembling with excitement) You 
 can't marry him now! 
 
 MARGARET. Will he let me escape, do you think ? 
 All this week, the hungry love in his eyes! 
 
 EVERARD. But you if you don't love him? 
 
 MARGARET. I loved what I thought was him. 
 And I I am faithful / do not change 7 don't 
 says things to one woman one week and then make 
 love to another! Why do you stay here, Everard? 
 Your bride is waiting! 
 
 EVERARD. (desperately) Do you think / want 
 to marry Lady Claude? 
 
 MARGARET, (scornfully) Would you have pro- 
 posed to her, if you didn't? 
 
 EVERARD. I proposed out of pique, because 
 you 
 
 MARGARET, (excitedly) What, what! 
 
 EVERARD. I read Mr. Mollentrave's wicked 
 book, and believed it! Oh, Margaret, Margaret, 
 can you think that any other woman in the 
 world
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 79 
 
 MARGARET, (trembling] Then then 
 
 EVBRARD. I always have loved you always 
 always ! But when I found that you 
 
 MARGARET. I see it all ! You proposed to Lady 
 Claude for my sake ! 
 
 EVERARD. I was so unhappy ! 
 
 MARGARET. And you don't love her? Then I 
 have ruined your life! 
 
 EVERARD. It's not too late ! 
 
 MARGARET. It is it is! Can we break both 
 their hearts? Oh, Everard we must be noble! 
 
 EVERARD. Poor Lady Claude! I'm afraid I've 
 been very cruel ! 
 
 MARGARET. And your uncle think of your 
 uncle! Imagine if he suspected! The blow to 
 him! No, no, we mustn't, we can't. We must 
 make the sacrifice, Everard! We must do what 
 is right ! 
 
 (Leaning against each other.) 
 
 EVERARD. But tell me, at least! You do love 
 me? 
 
 MARGARET. Oh, Everard, I always have loved 
 you but I didn't know! 
 
 EVERARD. (desperately) I don't want to 
 marry Lady Claude! 
 
 MARGARET. Nor I your uncle! But we must! 
 They love us, the poor old things ! 
 
 (They fall into each other's arms. MOLLENTRAVE 
 comes in briskly L. u. E. and stares, in utter 
 amazement) 
 
 MOLLEN. (triumphantly) Ah! The liberation 
 of two gases, that meet, and explode ! 
 
 (EVERARD and MARGARET turn, horror-stricken, and 
 rise) 
 
 EVERARD. (up R. c. releasing MARGARET) Mr. 
 Mollentrave ! Oh ! ! !
 
 80 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 MARGARET, (down R. shamefaced) You 
 mustn't think oh, you mustn't! We were 
 merely bidding each other good-bye ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) That of course was evident! 
 But, Everard for a man who half-an-hour ago 
 proposed to my daughter 
 
 EVERARD. (miserably) Mr. Mollentrave! 
 
 MOLLEN. Are there many other young ladies 
 whom you have to say good-bye to, Everard? 
 
 EVERARD. Be merciful, sir! Oh, Mr. Mollen- 
 trave. I love Margaret! (going to her) 
 
 MARGARET, (reproachfully) Everard! 
 
 EVERARD. I do, I do ! And she loves me ! Oh, 
 Mr. Mollentrave, help us! 
 
 (Both kneel c. holding hands) 
 
 MARGARET. Yes, yes, help us! 
 
 MOLLEN. What a position for a father ! When 
 I think of my Kosamund the blow to her! And 
 Balsted poor, doting Balsted! 
 
 MARGARET, (crawling towards MOLLENTRAVE, 
 humbly) We've been very wicked, we know! 
 But we'll do what you tell us! 
 
 MOLLEN. (both rise) Arise, my children! / 
 will befriend you! 
 
 EVERARD. (up R. c.) Oh, Mr. Mollentrave, you 
 are the noblest of men ! 
 
 MARGARET, (down R. c.) The best, the 
 kindest ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) (raising them both) I will 
 break the dreadful news to them ah, very gently 
 We must not be brutal ! Not a word to them 
 yet They must hear it from me! 
 
 MARGARET. Yes oh yes! 
 
 MOLLEN. Oh, the cruelty of youth! Go now 
 go let me consider what had best be done. 
 
 EVERARD. (seizing his hand and wringing it) 
 How to thank you !
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 1 
 
 MARGARET, (caressing the other hand) Dear 
 Mr. Mollentrave! 
 
 MOLLEN. Whatever it cost me, you have my 
 promise ! 
 
 (They go off, hand-in-hand R. 2 E. Left alone, 
 MOLLENTRAVE laughs quietly to himself, and 
 expresses his supreme satisfaction T)y a kind of 
 elderly dance. DEXTER comes in R. 2 E. with a 
 telegram, and stares.) 
 
 DEXTER. (R. c.) Mr. Mollentrave! 
 
 MOLLEN. (with dignity c.) Dexter, this ex- 
 hibition of agility may seem undignified, but it is 
 symbolic of a certain inward feeling of legitimate 
 pride. 
 
 DEXTER, (puzzled) Sir? 
 
 MOLLEN. Dexter, I have done it like that! 
 (he snaps his fingers) I waved my wand and 
 they walked I piped, and they danced! (to 
 DEXTER R. c. speaking with profound conviction) 
 Dexter there are moments when my power strikes 
 me as somewhat uncanny. . . . 
 
 DEXTER. (R. c.) May I ask, sir 
 
 MOLLEN. No, no, these matters are not for you. 
 What have you there? 
 
 DEXTER. A telegram, sir. The boy is waiting. 
 
 '(DEXTER hands him the telegram.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (fumbling for his glasses) Yes a 
 little uncanny! (c.) But fortunately for man- 
 kind, I make a good use of that power! (He ad- 
 justs his spectacles, opens the telegram, and 
 reads) What, what! 
 
 DEXTER. (R. c.) No bad news, sir, I hope? 
 
 MOLLEN. (L. c.) (fuming) Contareen! The 
 ass, the triple ass! Engaged to Lady Gladys. I 
 am d (going up c. and down R. c.)
 
 82 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 DEXTER. Sir? 
 
 MOLLEN. And he gloats! He dares to gloat! 
 
 DEXTER. (R. c.) Any answer, sir? I have 
 brought a form. 
 
 MOLLEN. Answer no no answer! Stay, 
 though there shall be yes, there shall! Ah, he 
 gloats, does he, that moon-calf! Write, Dexter, 
 write! Sit here and write! 
 
 (DEXTER sits R. c.) 
 
 " Delighted at news. My daughter and Sir 
 Joseph Balsted, who were engaged yesterday "- 
 
 DEXTER, (open-mouthed) Sir??? 
 
 MOLLEN. (c. pettishly) I say, who were en- 
 gaged yesterday "join in congratulations." 
 Have you got it? 
 
 DEXTER. Do I understand you to say 
 
 MOLLEN. You do, sir you do! Is that down? 
 
 DEXTER. Yes, sir. " My daughter and Sir 
 Joseph Balsted, who were engaged yesterday, join 
 in congratulations." 
 
 MOLLEN. Good. Now take that telegram, give 
 it to the boy and mind, not a word to anyone 
 here! (down L.) 
 
 DEXTER, (going) Very well, sir. (is going 
 R. 2 B.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c.) Stay, I had better make sure. 
 Give me the telegram, Dexter I'll hand it to the 
 boy myself. And do you go off, through that gate, 
 and take the next train back to town. 
 
 '(DEXTER crosses L. c.) 
 
 DEXTER, (up L. c.) Sir! Don't you trust my 
 discretion ? 
 
 MOLLEN. (R. c.) Implicitly, Dexter but I 
 prefer to know it's in London. Go at once, please. 
 I shall let you know when to return.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 83 
 
 (DEXTER goes through the gate, L. u. B.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c. and down L. c.) (moving off) 
 More work for my hands! But can I let that 
 creature gloat? (is going up R. 3 B.) 
 
 (As he goes, he meets SIR JOSEPH and LADY 
 CLAUDE.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (pushing between them) Ah, Bal- 
 sted, Rosamund, wait for me here. I have news 
 strange news! I shall be back in a moment! 
 (he goes R. 3. E.) 
 
 SIR J. (coming down stage on her R. slowly 
 walking down R. and across L. c.) News! Some 
 fresh scheme, no doubt ! We have done with him 
 done ! Rosamund, I'll go now to the post-office, 
 and wire my clerk to get a special license 
 
 LADY C. No, no, it's impossible! Oh, Joseph, 
 think of our eternal remorse if anything hap- 
 pened ! 
 
 SIR J. Remorse! I tell you, if we stay here, 
 we shall both of us be caught! 
 
 LADY C. We should never have lent ourselves 
 to this deception ! 
 
 SIR J. It's too late now to moan over things! 
 Your father's responsible for it all let him put 
 things right ! 
 
 LADY C. Think of poor Margaret! Ninety- 
 nine girls out of -a hundred, I said what if she 
 be the hundredth? 
 
 SIR J. I don't care if she be the thousandth! 
 I won't marry her ! 
 
 LADY C. And Everard! The blow to him! 
 Oh, how can I have been so blind! 
 
 SIR J. He and Margaret will console each 
 other ! 
 
 LADY C. (L.) Oh Joseph, Joseph, they are so 
 young, but youth can know sorrow! Margaret
 
 g4 MOLLENTEAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 adores you and I oh, what have I done to poor 
 Everard ! 
 
 SIR J. (L. c.) I don't care, I don't care! I 
 tell you 
 
 ( EVERARD and MARGARET come in R. 2 E. they 
 start at seeing the others.) 
 
 LADY C. Look, look ! Here they are ! 
 
 (A panic falls on all four of them; they eye each 
 other furtively, and both pairs stand whisper- 
 ing at opposite corners of the stage.) 
 
 MARGARET, (down R. c. to EVERARD down R.) 
 They've seen us we can't go back. 
 
 LADY C. (up L. to SIR JOSEPH up L. c.) 
 Ah, Joseph! The poor little girl! 
 
 EVERARD. (to MARGARET) He can't have told 
 them yet! 
 
 MARGARET, (to EVERARD) Oh no impossible! 
 But how sad they are! As though they sus- 
 pected ! 
 
 LADY C. (to SIR JOSEPH) The poor boy, the 
 poor boy ! We must be very gentle ! 
 
 EVERARD. (to MARGARET) I've behaved very 
 cruelly to poor Lady Claude! 
 
 SIR J. (to LADY CLAUDE) I'm afraid Mar- 
 garet has been crying 
 
 LADY C. (to SIR JOSEPH) It will break her 
 heart when she knows 
 
 EVERARD. (to MARGARET) Why not tell them? 
 This is a chance 
 
 MARGARET, (to EVERARD) Oh, think of the 
 shock! Your poor uncle! Oh. my heart fails 
 me! 
 
 (They fall into whispers. MOLLENTRAVE comes in, 
 and chuckles at finding them all together.
 
 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 85 
 
 Both couples start guiltily and try to go, MAR- 
 GARET and EVERARD R. 2. E. SIR JOSEPH and LADY 
 CLAUDE L. 2 E.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) No, no, don't go sit down 
 please I've something to say to you all ! 
 
 (They sit all of them in the greatest embarrass- 
 ment, avoiding each other's eyes, MARGARET and 
 EVERARD R. and R. c. SIR JOSEPH up L. c. LADY 
 CLAUDE down L.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) (striking an attitude) The 
 poets have babbled of love since the first intro- 
 duction of rhyme ; but all that we know, or need 
 know, is that Cupid is young! (he turns to SIR 
 JOSEPH) Balsted! The elderly fisherman baits 
 his fat hook and thinks he has landed the salmon 
 down below, a barefoot boy wades in, and cap- 
 tures the prize! As a lover, Balsted, you have 
 every quality every one in the world that ap- 
 peals to a beautiful girl every one, with the ex- 
 ception of youth ! 
 
 MARGARET. (R. c.) (falling on her knees be- 
 fore SIR JOSEPH) Forgive me! 
 
 SIR J. (staggered) Margaret! (crosses to 
 R. c.) 
 
 MOLLEN. (down L. c.) You must forgive her! 
 Balsted, it was your brain, your massive brain, 
 that attracted poor Margaret but to-day, as she 
 sat beside Everard, two pair of lips met, quite by 
 chance and your brain was forgotten ! 
 
 (LADY CLAUDE still sitting L.) 
 
 EVERARD. (rising R.) (appealingly) Lady 
 Claude ! 
 
 MOLLEN. (L. c.) Rosamund, you too will par- 
 don, and grant absolution. Rosamund, Balsted,
 
 86 MOLLENTRAVE ON WOMEN. 
 
 rise to superior heights and, from your loftiness, 
 smile on our lovers! 
 
 SIR J. (c.) Margaret, you are free! 
 
 MARG. (R. c.) What! Can you! 
 
 SIR J. I release you! 
 
 MOLLEN. (up L. c.) Go now, my children 
 leave me to pour balm on their wounds ! 
 
 (He waves them off; they rush out gleefully, 
 hand in hand, R. 2 E.) 
 
 SIR J. (up R. c.) A miracle! But how 
 
 MOLLEN. (c.) The infallible working of an 
 undeviating law! 
 
 SIR J. Mollentrave, I love your daughter. And 
 she 
 
 LADY C. (rising and to L. of MOLLEN.) Papa, 
 this will be a disappointment to you, I know. But 
 I 
 
 MOLLEN. (c) Disappointment! The dearest 
 wish of my heart ! 
 
 SiRj. What!! 
 
 MOLLEN. My scheme of schemes, at which I 
 have labored since first I set eyes on our friend! 
 Every single event, all that has happened, was 
 merely the inlay, the minute fragments that dove- 
 tailed and produced this! 
 
 SIR J. Marvellous! Mollentrave, I have no 
 words to express my admiration! 
 
 MOLLEN. (taking SIR JOSEPH'S hand and plac- 
 ing it in LADY CLAUDE'S) After all, my dear fel- 
 low, what is it? A little knowledge of human 
 nature ! 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
 MOLLENTRAVE. 
 SIR JOSEPH. LADY CLAUDE.
 
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