A-5 tS 
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 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 
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 ^:^^ 
 
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 ^•*S5S' 
 

 
 FRIVOLOUS VERSES.
 
 FRIVOLOUS VERSES 
 
 By 
 ANTHONY C. DEANE. 
 
 ^' Stimife matevium vestris, qui scribitis, aequam 
 " Virions." HoR. Ar. Poet. 
 
 CAMBRIDGE : 
 REDIX & CO., 1 6, TRINITY STREET. 
 
 LONDON : 
 SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & CO. 
 
 1892.
 
 PREFACE. J^ 
 
 T'HE greater number of the pieces of verse in this 
 volume were first published in The Gratita, and 
 they appear here through the courtesy of the Pro- 
 prietor of that paper. For permission to re-publish 
 other pieces my thanks are due to the Editors of 
 The Globe, The Theatre, The Cambridge Review, and to 
 Messrs. Chatto & Windus. In nearly every case 
 these verses have been revised and altered, and 
 there are others which are now published for the 
 first time. "The Ancient Examiner" was written in 
 collaboration with Mr. Carr-Bosanquet, who has 
 kindly allowed me to include it in this collection. 
 
 Footnotes, explanatory of the few Cambridge 
 allusions in the volume, have been added for the 
 benefit of readers elsewhere. 
 
 Cambridge, 
 
 April, 1892, 
 
 859P-^ - 
 
 «y3.D
 
 INDEX. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Injured Innocence ---... i 
 
 Love, Ancient and Modern - - . . ^ 
 
 A Scientific Plaint . . . . . ^ 
 
 A Ballade of Forgotten Actors - - . ^ 
 
 An English Literature Tripos - . . 7 
 
 The Song of the Distraught Householder g 
 
 The Potent Potential - - - - - n 
 
 The Reign of Woman - - - - - 13 
 
 The Etiquette of Laughter - - - - 15 
 
 The Boy and Buns ------ 17 
 
 On the River ----... 20 
 
 The Ancient Examiner 21 
 
 He and She - - - - - - . 24 
 
 A Sonnet of the May Term - - - - 26 
 
 To My Neighbour's Piano - - - • 28 
 
 A Feminine Epistle ..... ^o 
 
 ^
 
 PAGE 
 
 The Lover's Complaint 32 
 
 A Ballade of Advertisements - - - 34 
 
 An Hour's Work 36 
 
 The Kingdom of Dreams ----- 37 
 
 Horace up to Date — Odes Bk. I., Ode XI. - 39 
 
 A Ballade of the May . ... - 40 
 
 Fact and Fiction ------ 42 
 
 Doom --------- 45 
 
 An Agricultural Duet ----- 47 
 
 Lines on a Christmas Card ... - - 49 
 
 The Don and the Damsel - - - - 51 
 
 To A Pessimist 55 
 
 L'Envoi ---.--.- 56
 
 INJURED INNOCENCE. 
 
 /C^HOUGH many tales there be in verse and prose 
 ^~^^ Of evil fate decreed by wrath divine, 
 You will not find in all the list of woes 
 A more disgusting history than mine ; 
 You think, perhaps, I'm given to repine 
 Without sufficient cause ? Then hear my tale, 
 
 " If ye have tears," you'll need each drop of brine, 
 My story, illustrated, cannot fail 
 To make each bosom glow, each countenance grow pale. 
 
 You think I look robust ? You notice that ? 
 
 From earliest youth, alas ! 'twas ever so, 
 A child I was, to put it plainly, fat — 
 
 This was the origin of all my woe : 
 
 Would I had been less healthy long ago, 
 Had but one eye, or both legs badly bent ! 
 
 So would my life be glad, for then, you know, 
 My photograph would never have been sent 
 To give some Infant's Food a vile advertisement 1
 
 But now wherever I may chance to roam 
 
 That awful picture follows me again, 
 It lurks within each magazine at home, 
 
 It mocks me in the omnibus and train ; 
 
 At times it's coloured, and, at others, plain, 
 In books, on walls, for everyone to see ; 
 
 Are you astonished that it gives me pain 
 To be thus haunted, wheresoe'er I be. 
 By pictures of myself, unclothed, adatis three ? 
 
 This then, O reader, is my fortune cruel, 
 
 Against it little longer shall I strive, 
 But I shall die, a victim to the gruel 
 
 By which I'm commonly supposed to thrive; 
 
 Yet to the public shall I be ahve. 
 My picture will remain, whate'er betide, 
 
 To future ages I shall still survive, 
 Waving a spoon, with Patent Food supplied. 
 Wrapt in a happy smile, and httle else beside.
 
 LOVE ANCIENT AND MODERN. 
 
 TN days of old, when amorous swain addressed 
 
 Sweet words to Chloe, and his love confessed, 
 Each foolish phrase she treasured in her heart, 
 Rebuked when said, 3'et said again apart ; 
 Each halting verse with secrecy would keep, 
 Waking peruse, and still recall asleep. 
 Not with less pains to-day our Phyllis seeks 
 To guard the words her modern suitor speaks. 
 By turns he vows and pleads, he prays or grieves, 
 Each word the hidden phonograph receives ; 
 While in her safe each fond epistle lies. 
 Kept for production, should the need arise. 
 When Strephon faithless proved, poor Chloe pined, 
 And spake her sorrows to the listening wind ; 
 But Phyllis seeks relief in other sort. 
 She tells the story of her wrongs — in court !
 
 A SCIENTIFIC PLAINT. 
 
 PLAS, those happy days which we have seen 
 When thou, whose fickleness I now deplore, 
 Wert like to concentrated saccharine ; 
 
 Those happy days can come to us no more. 
 When ardent love is strong as H^ SO4. 
 
 Thou, like blue litmus in the acid test, 
 
 Whene'er we met, wouldst turn to rosy red. 
 And when my love undying I confessed, 
 Thy words were sweet as acetate of lead, 
 Now truly are they changed to vitriol instead. 
 
 For, turning to analysis improper, 
 
 A quantitative test was made for gold. 
 And when but little else there seemed than copper 
 And scanty silver in the cash I hold, 
 Thy love grew straightway, like a freezing-mixture, 
 cold. 
 
 Entirely siliceous was thy heart ; 
 
 Thy love was gone. The sequel need I tell ? 
 Betrothed unto another now thou art, 
 Like to the false H^ we know so well, 
 Which leaves its faithful O to join the vile CI !
 
 A BALLADE OF FOKGOTTEN ACTORS. 
 
 "TI^ECAUSE ye lived and filled your part 
 
 And passed with little fame away, 
 Must ye be held in our great mart 
 
 But puppets of a finished play ? 
 
 Because in records of to-day 
 No token of your deeds remain, 
 
 Shall men esteem them worthless ? Nay, 
 Ye have not lived your lives in vain ! 
 
 For yours was that excelling art 
 
 To banish all which can dismay, 
 To smooth the wrinkle, soothe the smart, 
 
 Or turn the gloomy face to gay ; 
 
 And yours, still higher, to portray 
 True virtue, as the noblest gain : 
 
 With you it was this power lay — 
 Ye have not lived your lives in vain ! 
 
 Though from amid time's gloom there dart 
 On you and yours no single ray. 
 
 Yet did ye stir the human heart, 
 
 And therefore shall your memory stay ;
 
 In that ye moved our grosser clay 
 Some higher level to attain, 
 
 In that ye held this wondrous sway, 
 Ye have not lived your lives in vain ! 
 
 Envoy. 
 
 Prince, when we too are old and grey, 
 With little cause shall we complain, 
 
 If with like truth to us men say 
 
 " Ye have not lived your lives in vain ! "
 
 AN ENGLISH LITERATURE TRIPOS. 
 
 T^OWN with the classics and all their traditions 
 ^""^ Why should we care for the tongues that are 
 
 dead ? 
 Down with the sciences, gross impositions ! 
 Writers of English we'll study instead. 
 
 Countless advantages, no one can doubt it, 
 We shall derive from this excellent plan, 
 
 But when we modernize, since we're about it. 
 Let's do it thoroughly well, if we can. 
 
 Scanty, indeed, the improvement effected 
 If we must study each ponderous work, 
 
 Pore over authors now justly neglected, 
 Milton and Addison, Spenser and Burke. 
 
 Turning our backs on these obsolete sages, 
 
 Lut us pursue a more excellent way, 
 Fix as the subject of Tripos the pages 
 
 Of the most popular works of the day. 
 
 Here we possess highly-competent treaters 
 Ready to deal with all authors of note, 
 
 Jebb will discourse on Gilbertian metres, 
 Verrall will edit " Three Men in a Boat ; "
 
 8 
 
 Mayor will earn reputation for ever 
 By his edition of Haggard for schools, 
 
 Headlam will fight with the rest and endeavour, 
 In an excursus, to prove they are fools. 
 
 Volumes in dark and funereal binding. 
 
 Now will no longer our book-shelves disgrace, 
 
 Picture the joy of our cousins on finding 
 
 Yellow-backed novels installed in their place ! 
 
 Booksellers' shops will be quite superseded, " 
 We can dispense with their service forthwith. 
 
 Fiction and verse will be sent us as needed. 
 By an arrangement with Mudie or Smith. 
 
 We could continue ad libitum, noting 
 All the delightful results of the plan ; 
 
 Trusty M.A.'s, with the help of your voting. 
 Let us adopt it as soon as we can !
 
 THE SONG OF THE DISTRAUGHT HOUSEHOLDER. 
 
 yOUR butler to-day is completely au fait with every 
 event of antiquity. 
 
 And doubtless declares in seclusion downstairs 
 your ignorance thorough iniquity, 
 You think that he ought to know claret from port, and 
 
 not give you liquor that's muddy ? 
 Perhaps, but you see he's as wise as can be in ancient 
 historical study ! 
 If your language grows strong when your wine is 
 
 all wrong, 
 Recollect, if you can, that the excellent man 
 Is wrapt in historical study ! 
 
 And then to your cook you may certainly look for 
 
 musical modern emotion, 
 Save once every week, when you sink so to speak, 
 
 under pitiless hymnal devotion ; 
 The results of her art may embitter your heart, as a 
 
 careful and practical diner, 
 But how can she stoop to concocting a soup from 
 writing a fugue in C minor ? 
 Though the dinner you've had be atrociously bad, 
 You must smile at the fact, and put up with the act 
 In a writer of fugues in C minor !
 
 lO 
 
 Your housemaid, whose broom never touches your room, 
 
 is famed for her talent linguistic ; 
 Your groom thinks it right to be drunk every night, it is 
 
 true — but he's highly artistic. 
 If you find that they shirk any notion of work, you 
 
 shouldn't feel any vexation, 
 But rather be glad, as it shows they have had a 
 thoroughly good education ! 
 It is quite a mistake to expect them to take 
 The smallest of cares in mere household affairs, 
 When they've had such a good education !
 
 II 
 
 THE POTENT POTENTIAL. 
 
 " Had John Bright been alive we could have congratulated him. 
 To-morrow would have been his 79th birthday." — Echo, Nov. 15.) 
 
 /^HE Editor's brow was gloomy and set, 
 ^"^^ As in accents distressed he complained 
 
 He had used all available copy, and yet 
 
 A fearful hiatus remamed. 
 Then sudden he cried " There is hope for us still ! " 
 
 And with joy grew his countenance bright — 
 " We have used up the 'must,' and the ' shall,' and the 
 ' will '— 
 
 " Let us turn to the 'would ' and the ' might ' " ! 
 
 " If William the Conqueror had not arrived, 
 
 " It is doubtful where we should have been : 
 " Queen Anne is deceased, but had she survived 
 
 " To-day we should greet her as Queen. 
 " If the Greek had not beaten the Persian away, 
 
 " Then he might have beaten the Greek : 
 " Had the railway collision not happened to-day, 
 
 " It might have on Saturday week " !
 
 12 
 
 And the pain and the grief on the Editor's face 
 
 Gave place to contentment and bliss, 
 As he scribbled away at incredible pace 
 
 Such wise information as this. 
 O then, if a column you're striving to fill 
 
 This plan will assist you to write — 
 Though finished the ' must ' and the ' shall ' and ' will,' 
 
 You still have the ' would ' and the ' might ' !
 
 13 
 
 THE REIGN OF WOMAN. 
 
 /^~\ MAN ! The news perhaps may little trouble you, 
 
 But yet thy banishment has been decreed ; 
 For Woman (with the printer's largest W) — 
 
 So in the Woman's Right's Gazette " we read — 
 Intends to oust, as quickly as she can, 
 From college life the bold, bad tyrant Man. 
 
 Ah well, the Poet-Laureate's dream was charming 
 Of that fair hall 'neath Princess Ida's sway ; 
 
 To me, I own, a vision more alarming 
 Presents itself of that expected day. 
 
 When Woman, foolish in her wisdom grown, 
 
 Forsakes her path for matters not her own. 
 
 Then will a Doctoress, or female Doctor, 
 
 On Metaphysics learnedly dilate. 
 Then will there roam by night a female Proctor, 
 
 Intent to gain the welcome six-and-eight ; ■■'■ 
 And even in the Senate you v/ill find 
 The great glib gush of wandering womankind. 
 
 * The amount of tbe Proctor's fine.
 
 How keen will be the conflict for the places, 
 And light-blue dresses, of the croquet team ! 
 
 Perhaps they'll hold the May and Lenten races. 
 If it is fine, and there is not much stream ; 
 
 And should a crew in making bumps succeed, 
 
 A grand bump-tea shall celebrate the deed. 
 
 The conversation may be Mathematic, 
 With just a little gossip, more or less, 
 
 And they will mingle dissertations Attic 
 With grave discussion of the latest dress ; 
 
 And they will have, when meeting to orate 
 
 The Rights of Man as subject for debate. 
 
 But still, at present little need be dreaded. 
 For tyrant Man, as all of us must know, 
 
 Is in this case, remarkably pig-headed. 
 
 And, though defeated, quite declines to go ; 
 
 But quotes instead that old and timeworn saw 
 
 About possession and the points of law.
 
 15 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF LAUGHTER. 
 
 (" Ladies are now being taught, at the School of Beauty, how 
 to sinile in the manner most becoming to them." — Evening 
 Paper.) 
 
 y^HE method of modified laughter 
 
 ^-^^ Henceforth they shall teach us at school, 
 
 And smiling and simper hereafter 
 
 Be matter of precept and rule ; 
 How vulgar a method is taken, 
 
 At present, of showing applause ! 
 The cultured should never be shaken 
 By hearty guffaws. 
 
 Of course you will give no attention 
 
 To the wit, or reverse, of a joke, 
 The point, as I hardly need mention, 
 
 Is the rank of the person who spoke ; 
 As a rule, you are sure not to blunder 
 
 In a laugh at the jest of a peer. 
 Unless his net income be under 
 
 Five thousand a year.
 
 i6 
 
 A laugh that is sweetly persistent 
 The pun of young Midas may mark, 
 
 While a smile that is lofty and distant 
 Will do for a curate or clerk ; 
 
 Of course, should the latter inherit 
 A place through his uncle's decease. 
 
 So too will his humorous merit, 
 Pro rata, increase. 
 
 Your smile, that each fervently prizes, 
 Thus duly apportioned will be. 
 
 And whatever occasion arises. 
 
 You will laugh in the proper degree. 
 
 Oh, great will the boon be hereafter. 
 When this shall be taught us at school, 
 
 And each ebullition of laughter 
 Be subject to rule !
 
 17 
 
 THE BOY AND THE BUNS. 
 
 {A recitation a la mode.) 
 
 "U^ONOUR to virtue be given ! Honour to whom it is 
 ^/ due! 
 
 Honour the Noble and Good ! Honour the Valiant and 
 True ! 
 
 Thomas the boy vv^as called ; the name of his sister was 
 
 Jane ; 
 And buns they had got for tea, buns bath and currant 
 
 and plain, 
 Somebody's birthday it was, and spread on the nursery 
 
 board, 
 Cakes and jellies and jams in wholesale profusion were 
 
 poured, 
 But Thomas sadly sighed as lie marked the glistening 
 
 ej^es 
 
 With which Jane looked at the buns as her own 
 
 particular prize, 
 Well did he know her powers that way, nor had he 
 
 forgot 
 How, at a similar meal, she'd managed to finish the lot.
 
 iS 
 
 Had he not lieard liis sister confess with an emphasis 
 plain 
 
 That over indulgence in buns resulted in subsequent 
 pain ? 
 
 Then through his mind there Hashed a noble resolve 
 right soon — 
 
 He'd save his sister Jane! Although all the, afternoon 
 
 He had been eating apples purloined from the house- 
 keeper's shelf, 
 
 Every one f)f those sixteen buns he would manage to 
 eat by himself! 
 
 'Tis done — "Tis done ! And he rolls on the floor, in 
 silent and awful pain. 
 
 Amid the ungrateful jeers of his rude little sister Jane, 
 
 His hands pressed fast on his side, bereft of power of 
 speech, 
 
 Until at lengtli there arrived on the scene the family 
 leech ; 
 
 Think ot tlie cruel deed, and your hearts with anger 
 
 will boil ! 
 Into a glass he poured a mixture of castor-oil ;
 
 19 
 
 The hero Thomas drank it — but here let us draw the 
 
 veil, 
 Nor push too far to its close this horrible, awful, tale; 
 But honour the hero, who to save his sister from greed 
 Readily undertook this most indigestible feed ! 
 Misunderstood by his parents, still, still shall the fame 
 
 remain 
 Of the boy that ate the buns for the sake of his sister 
 
 Jane !
 
 20 
 
 ON THE RIVER. 
 
 I. — She. 
 
 p:::^ OW lovel}' the view, 
 ^ / How fragrant the breezes ! 
 Oh, look, Arthur do, 
 How lovely the view ;   
 What a delicate hue 
 
 The shade of those trees is ! 
 How lovely the view, 
 
 How fragrant the breezes 1 
 
 n.— He. 
 
 When alone one is rowing 
 
 A party of five, 
 'Tis enough to keep going 
 When alone one is rowing ; 
 To beauty most glowing 
 
 You're scarcely alive 
 When alone one is rowing 
 
 A party of five.
 
 21 
 
 THE ANCIENT EXAMINER. 
 
 A Fragment. 
 
 TT is an old Examiner 
 
 That stoppeth one of three, 
 " By thy braid and bands and spectacles, 
 Now wherefore stopp'st thou me ? " 
 
 The Ancient 
 Examiner 
 meeteth three 
 gallants going 
 to the Senate 
 House, and de- 
 detaineth one. 
 
 " I filled the chair, the men were there. 
 
 Merrily struck the clock, 
 And at the sight of question four 
 
 Teeth chattered, knees did knock. 
 
 " Their courage failed, their faces paled 
 
 When it was handed round, 
 Its terms were cunningly devised 
 
 To stagger and confound. 
 
 " By day and night, through dark and 
 light 
 
 Had I built up that theme 
 Of superhuman subtlety 
 
 And mystery extreme ! 
 
 The examiner 
 telleth how he 
 set a paper of 
 
 yore. 
 
 Whereof the 
 tourth question 
 was a staggerer.
 
 22 
 
 " O tell me, old examiner, 
 
 Why groanest thou aloud ? " 
 " Five-score good men there entered then, 
 
 And five-score men were ploughed ! 
 
 The Tiipos- 
 man asketh the 
 cause of his 
 dolour. 
 
 " And now by day and eke by night 
 The souls from darkness sent 
 
 Of every one whom I have spun 
 Beset me and torment. 
 
 He telleth of 
 Hauntings. 
 
 " Farewell, farewell, but this I tell 
 To thee, thou Tripos man, 
 
 He plougheth well who readeth well 
 Books that none other can. 
 
 He giveth sage 
 advice. 
 
 "He plougheth best who readest best 
 All books both great and small ; 
 
 Observe upon the syllabus 
 I wrote and read them all." 
 
 The examiner whose eye is dim, 
 Whose beard with age is hoar, 
 
 Is gone, and now the Tripos-man 
 Enters the Senate door : 
 
 The beneficial 
 result whereof.
 
 23 
 
 He went like one whom joy doth stun, 
 Such question taught to pass, 
 
 A wiser and a gladder man, 
 He got a second class !
 
 24 
 
 HE AND SHE. 
 
 " LITERARY. Author wants young lady to assist 
 him." Recent Advt. in the "■Daily News.'" 
 
 C\ SAPIENT author, you display 
 
 A wisdom seldom found in men, 
 In seeking by this public way, 
 A lady-helper for your pen ; 
 We all can guess its true effect 
 
 Upon your subsequent existence ; 
 Pray in what form do you expect, 
 The lady will afford assistance ? 
 
 You can't nit:an merely to dictate 
 
 Your work to her with ready tongue. 
 If this were all, why stipulate 
 
 That those who answer shall be young ? 
 Perhaps you've sometimes made a mess 
 
 Of your pet heroine's attire ; 
 Is knowledge as to ladies' dress 
 
 What, honestly, you most desire ?
 
 23 
 
 More probably you hold with those 
 
 Who base their narrative on fact, 
 And so are anxious, I suppose, 
 
 Some fictionary scene to act ; 
 The hero of your tale or play 
 
 Must woo with fervency intense, 
 And you would therefore learn the way 
 
 From practical experience !
 
 26 
 
 A SONNET OF THE MAY TERM. 
 
 Jones (reading). 
 fP^OME in, come in ! No work for me to-day ! 
 
 Smith. 
 What, reading ? 'Tis the strangest sight I've met 
 
 Jones. 
 Yes, yes; my Tripos. Take a cigarette. 
 
 Smith. 
 Well, thanks. You're sure I am not in your way ? 
 
 Jones. 
 " The modes by which a Tutor might convey — " 
 
 Smith. 
 Oh, have you got that other racket yet ? 
 
 Jones. 
 " The limits by the Lex Poppaea set — " 
 
 Smith. 
 
 Oh come, its but the second week in May, 
 And overwork is bad, I've understood. 
 
 Jones {gvoaning). 
 My chances now are hardly worth a song !
 
 27 
 
 Smith (persuasively). 
 I've gol a tennis-court, and if you could — 
 
 Jones. 
 Well, I should rather like to, but it's wrong. 
 
 Smith. 
 Wrong! Stuff" and nonsense! Do you worlds of good. 
 
 Jones. 
 Oh, hang the work, it's useless. Come along 1
 
 28 
 
 TO MY NEIGHBOUR'S PIANO. 
 
 /!l! HOU poor, ill-treated, suffering instrument, 
 
 Played on — nay, thumped upon — by day and night, 
 What is thy crime, that cruel mortals vent 
 
 Upon thy keys their ineffective spite, 
 Or why, since this perhaps concerns me nearer, 
 Must I be thy involuntary hearer ? 
 
 Never as yet have I set eyes on thee. 
 
 Although thy tune and tone I must condemn, 
 
 A simple " cottage " thou may'st haply be, 
 Or Grand and Collar'd as the G. O. M. ; 
 
 In any case, thy ceaseless repetition 
 
 Makes me consign thine owner to perdition. 
 
 " The Gondoliers " most cleverly is scored. 
 Yet, twenty times a-day, it's apt to pall. 
 
 And excellent as is the famed " Lost Chord," 
 When not one chord is lost, but each and all, 
 
 Of even this there come in time satiety, 
 
 Which makes one long a little for variety.
 
 29 
 
 " Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast," 
 
 In moderation, this may be correct, 
 But when poured forth with unremitting zest, 
 
 It has, I find, the opposite effect, 
 And for dark deeds of murder, crime, and ravage 
 IncUnes a breast not naturally savage ! 
 
 :'OC<i 
 
 ^'B^^S^^J^-
 
 A FEMININE EPISTLE. 
 
 From Newiiham. 
 
 /Vl Y slowness in writinf^ of course is. 
 
 Dear Kate, little less than a crime. 
 But ni}- work on Molecular Forces 
 Has taken up most of my time ; 
 I trust that yon are not offended. 
 
 And now. to atone, I'll relate 
 How on Tuesday last week I attended 
 A " Cnion Debate." 
 
 With just indignation I trembled 
 
 When I heard what they meant to discuss; 
 These shameless young men had assembled 
 
 To map out a future for Us! 
 The rights that we strive for at present, 
 
 The wrongs that are still unredressed, 
 They seemed to consider a pleasant 
 And passable jest.
 
 31 
 
 They said it were better to flirt on 
 Than learning and culture to gain, 
 
 (A view which at Newnham and Girton 
 We treat with unmingled disdain) ; 
 
 Our Cause and our Movement are clearly, 
 They said, a delusion and sham, 
 
 And named our true purpose as merely 
 The making of jam ! 
 
 They sneered at our heaven-sent mission 
 To rule all the world on our plan, 
 
 And talked as if Woman's ambition 
 Were merely the pleasing of Man ! 
 
 Oh, how in my fierce indignation — 
 
 Though in vain — on the speakers I frowned 
 
 How I longed in a fervid oration 
 
 Their views to confound !
 
 32 
 
 THE LOVER'S COMPLAINT. 
 
 " Asking riddles has become the latest fashionable amusement.'' — 
 
 Evening Paper. 
 
 Y^ LIST to the woes that assail me, 
 And tell me, what am I to do ? 
 Think not my beloved will fail me. 
 Nay, Maud is undoubtedly true ; 
 She is fair, there is charm in each feature 
 
 Her smile can enliven the sad, 
 But her speech — it is worthy a creature 
 Gone hopelessly mad ! 
 
 She turns with the kindest of glances, 
 
 I look for some loving remark. 
 She merely would know " Why round dances 
 
 Resemble the roof of the Ark ? " 
 On sweet conversation I reckoned. 
 
 And this is the way it's begun ; 
 " My first is a bishop, my second''' — 
 What is to be done ?
 
 33 
 
 Or how can the tenderest passion 
 
 Survive such a fatal defect ? 
 For Maud is a victim of fashion, 
 
 And is, before all things, correct ; 
 To a girl who incessantly fiddles 
 
 Or sings comic songs, I'm averse ; 
 But one who talks nothing but riddles 
 Is really still worse ! 
 
 And so, while attaching no stigma 
 To the girl I had hoped for my wife, 
 
 I doubt if a walking enigma 
 Will do as a partner for life. 
 
 Though life be a riddle dismaying 
 
 It scarce would be prudent, one thinks 
 
 To lend a new force to the saying 
 By wooing a Sphmx !
 
 34 
 
 A BALLADE OF ADVERTISEMENTS. 
 
 p^UR daily newspapers still convey 
 
 Unfailing food for the curious brain, 
 And in the advertisement part alway 
 
 We see those old petitions remain ; 
 
 Clearly the}' are not written in vain, 
 Those calls to " the kindly disposed and wise," 
 
 Somebody answers them all, it's plain — 
 Who are the people that send replies ? 
 
 The clerk who modestly writes to say 
 
 The loan of a thousand he'd like to obtain. 
 The lady who's " seen a happier day," 
 
 And hopes, through you, to see it again ; 
 
 The wife whose husband is fallen insane ; 
 Each with the other in fiction vies, 
 
 They call for cash in a clamorous strain — 
 Who are the people that send replies ? 
 
 The widow laments her departed stay, 
 A small remittance would ease her pain ; 
 
 The man whose trade has suffered decay 
 The humble giver will not disdain ;
 
 35 
 
 Although their capital's on the wane 
 Still it pays them to advertise ! 
 
 How from wonder can we refrain ? 
 Who are the people that send replies ? 
 
 Envoy. 
 Friend, if we joined this numerous train, 
 
 Made and printed a parcel of lies, 
 Would experience show us twain 
 
 Who are the people that send replies ?
 
 36 
 
 AN HOUR'S WORK. 
 
 ^TN hour's work my careful system shows 
 
 J Devoted to Justinian's weary prose 
 
 Between the five o'clock repast and hall, 
 The best of times ; at night I oft forestall 
 
 My virtuous intention by a doze : 
 
 But now I read in undisturbed repose, 
 My mind will be more happy, when it knows 
 That I have done, whatever else befall, 
 An hour's work. 
 
 Alas ! There comes the sound of many blows 
 
 Upon my door, the Institutes I close ; 
 
 — You passed this way, and thought you'd make a call ? 
 
 Come in, come in ! So pleased to see you all, 
 You'll have some tea ? (My luck again ! There goes 
 An hour's work !)
 
 37 
 
 THE KINGDOM OF DREAMS. 
 
 [Ballade a Rondeau.) 
 
 I N the kingdom of dreams new worlds are made, 
 
 To summon them back in vain one tries ; 
 That blissful paradise still will fade 
 Where all are happy, and all are wise ; 
 If even to us its power supplies 
 A glimpse of noble and loftier themes. 
 What must a master-spirit devise 
 In the kingdom of dreams ! 
 
 In the kingdom of dreams in Elysian glade 
 
 Did Virgil wander, with glad surprise 
 To greet each valiant warrior-shade, 
 
 Whose fame he woke to immortalise ? 
 
 Did Homer hear the resonant cries 
 Of battle, and mark the quivering gleams 
 
 Of the well-aimed spear as it hurtling flies 
 In the kingdom of dreams ? 
 
 In the kingdom of dreams when Shakespeare strayed, 
 What moving visions entranced his eyes ! 
 
 What noble dramas were nightly played 
 By kings and beggars in shadowy guise !
 
 38 
 
 And whose is the spirit will dare surmise 
 What Dante saw by the slumberous streams, 
 
 What pageants o'er Milton's soul would rise 
 In the kingdom of dreams ? 
 
 Envoy. 
 
 Prince, an unsurpassable prize 
 That which our poets have left us seems, 
 
 Yet their highest unwritten lies 
 In the kingdom of dreams !
 
 39 
 
 HORACE UP TO DATE-ODES. Bk. I., Ode II. 
 
 C~^ COVET not, Leuconoe, to be told 
 ^~^^ What destinies on each of us await ; 
 Neither by those astrologers of old, 
 Nor those of latter date. 
 
 Seek not by post an oracle to fetch, 
 For oft fulfilment expectation damps, 
 
 Although " Professors" will your future sketch 
 For eighteen penny stamps. 
 
 Heed not the spiteful weather-forecast man ; 
 
 When he announces rain and tempest strong ; 
 Make up your mind, as quickly as you can, 
 
 The chances are he's wrong; 
 
 And treat those sages with becoming mirth 
 Who speedy doom to all the world proclaim ; 
 
 They're always at it, but our ancient earth 
 Still rolls on much the same. 
 
 To know our destiny the gods forbid ; 
 
 Strive not in vain the unseen to descry ; 
 In darkness is the fate of all men hid, 
 
 In darkness let it lie.
 
 40 
 
 A BALLADE OF THE MAY.* 
 
 T^ARENTS and sisters respected, 
 
 Whose liking for Cambridge is keen, 
 And all, howsoever connected. 
 
 Who lighten and brighten our scene ; 
 We welcome the colour and sheen 
 Of the dresses that fitfully stray 
 
 Our sombre old buildings' between : — 
 We welcome you here in the May ! 
 
 No longer by Tripos affected, 
 
 All learning is gone from us clean ; 
 The Muses severe are neglected, 
 
 To follow the Graces we mean ! 
 
 Who cares for the Tutor or Dean ? 
 You only henceforth we obey. 
 
 In vain is their anger or spleen, 
 We welcome you here in the May ! 
 
 The rooms where the noisy collected 
 With drinks and tobacco yestre'en. 
 
 In view of your visit expected 
 
 Are tastefully decked out in green ; 
 
 * ' The May ' or ' May Week ' is the season of Boat Races, Dances, 
 and Festivities at the end of the Summer Term.
 
 41 
 
 And the laughter of sweet seventeen 
 Is heard in our corridors grey, 
 
 There are dances where lectures have been- 
 We welcome you here in the May ! 
 
 Envoy. 
 And you, our particular Queen, 
 
 Think not we forget you to-day ; 
 'Twere needless to mention, I ween, 
 
 We welcome _y(JM here in the May !
 
 42 
 
 FACT AND FICTION. 
 
 ."Nor, if modern novels and sketches of University life 
 
 are to be believed can these years have a very beneficial 
 
 effect upon the morals and character of young men. '' — A 
 Correspondent in a Morning Paper. 
 
 o 
 
 HAPLESS searcher after truth and fact, 
 
 Who every shop and railway-bookstall rangest, 
 To learn how men at College think and act, 
 
 Of all strange ways thy method is the strangest ; 
 And of the knowledge thereby gained, I fear 
 The greater part must be distinctly queer. 
 
 ig 
 
 What lot could be more utterly heartrending 
 
 Than this poor man's, in premature old age 
 Still toiling on, with labour never ending 
 
 Through every modern novel's ill-writ page ; 
 The worn, but indefatigable, reader 
 Of famed St. Aubyn, Verdant Green and 
 " Weeder ! "
 
 43 
 
 O yes, our wickedness is quite alarming 
 As pictured by the lady-writer's pen, 
 Those gambling-hells, those sirens false but charming, 
 Those velvet-clad and dissolute young men ; 
 Of items such as these is chiefly made 
 The college story-writer's stock-in-trade. 
 
 And yet some taste is mingled with our vices ; 
 
 Plebeian joys we utterly disdain, 
 We only smoke cigars at fancy prices, 
 
 And daily drink for breakfast dry champagne ; 
 While trusting tailors wait upon us still, 
 Though your true hero never pays a bill. 
 
 4 
 
 Ah me, it would decidely be pleasant 
 
 Were tradesmen of tnis quality less few, 
 But yet I fear the picture drawn at present 
 
 By novelists is not precisely true ; 
 Nor, oh reformer so austere and stiff, 
 Hast thou sufficiently observed that " if."
 
 44 
 
 // every sixpenny and shilling drea/ul 
 
 Were not with sentimental nonsense rife, 
 Of faithful pictures if it were instead full, 
 And this were really our accustomed life, 
 // it were so, it cannot be denied 
 Thy wrath would be much more than justified 
 
 But since this wholly pitiable condition 
 
 Exiscs but in the fiction writer's page, 
 'Twere best to reconsider thy position, 
 O somewhat indiscriminating sage ; 
 
 And if true knowledge b/thy real desire, 
 At once consign these novels to the fire ! 
 
 JU
 
 45 
 DOOM. 
 
 4 
 
 A Poem a la mode. 
 
 \T7HE shadows pass across the waning moon, 
 
 The dusky waves their silver summits bow, 
 The Hght proclaims it will be morning soon, 
 Though it is evening now. 
 
 " O wherefore," said I, as I paced the strand, 
 
 "Shall that which is, and that which is not, fade? 
 
 Is beauty only fashioned by the hand ? 
 Is not the worker paid ? 
 
 " The thousand echoes of the struggling crowd, 
 The thousand voices of the ocean's roar — 
 
 Do these not thunder forth their theme aloud ? 
 And who would ask for more ? 
 
 " What can the wayward hardly-driven state 
 
 With formal informality disclose ? 
 Nay, rather say that man is ruled by fate ; 
 
 As for the rest, who knows ?
 
 46 
 
 " Yet shall the cause of right at length prevail, 
 Yet shall the river meet the boundless wave, 
 
 And despotism ultimately fail, 
 Seeking destruction's grave." 
 
 Thus mused I, as I paced along the strand. 
 
 What time the shadows chased the fleeting moon 
 And darkling dimly rose on either hand 
 
 The flames of coming noon. 
 
 The above lines were intentied as a burlesque of certain modern 
 poetrv, and are, as the reader will |:)erceive, consistently and intention- 
 ally nonsensical. But the imitation was so far successful that these 
 verses were gravely accepted and printed by a provincial journal, to 
 which they were sent anonymously.
 
 47 
 
 AN AGRICULTURAL DUET. 
 
 [It was lately suoragsted by the Agricultural Syndicate that 
 farming should be taught at Cambridge, and that University 
 lectures should be given in that subject by " Practical 
 Agriculturalists . ] 
 
 Giles. Oh, where be gwine this marning, 
 
 Oh, where be gwine to then ? 
 Hodge. I'm gwine in my gown to Cambridge town 
 To teach they 'Varsity men. 
 I've given up all my vanning. 
 
 There bain't no need to go on. 
 For I draws a screw much better, I du, 
 As a Hagricultural Don ! 
 
 , Both. 
 
 Then its ho for the 'arrow and the 'aystack ! 
 
 We're all of us gennelmen now, 
 And the proper eddication for a man of cultiwation 
 
 Is to learn about the working of the plough ! 
 
 Giles. And where be the missus, maister. 
 
 And what's she doing of to day ? 
 Hodge. She's left my door an hour or more, 
 And started off Newnham way ; 
 For she's a lady professor 
 
 What suitable work has found 
 In teaching the she's to plant out peas 
 And roots, in their 'ockey-ground !
 
 48 
 
 Both. 
 
 Then its ho for the sp^ and the dairy ! 
 
 We're gentlefolk now indeed, 
 For proof of true gentility consists in the ability 
 
 To cultivate the turnip and the swede ! 
 
 Giles. I, too, have got an appointment 
 
 To talk on practical crops, 
 And a class of men is coming at ten 
 
 To study my field of 'ops ! 
 So here's to the noble Sennut, 
 
 What gives us salaries fine ; 
 A blessed day it was when they 
 
 Took up with the practical line ! 
 
 Both {enthusiastically). 
 
 Then its ho for the 'igher heddication 1 
 
 It will bring us heaps of wealth. 
 No need for us to windicate the action of the 
 
 Syndicate, 
 We wishes them prosperity and 'ealth !
 
 49 
 
 LINES ON A CHRISTMAS CARD. 
 
 C^ PLEASANT is the winter time, 
 According to each old tradition ; 
 This card and its appended rhyme 
 
 Seem made in this vain supposition ; 
 The whitest snow around is spread, 
 
 In manner pleasanter than true, 
 A bird with breast extremely red, 
 
 Sings 'neath a sky of Prussian blue. 
 
 The short accompanying refrain 
 
 Sums up the season's charms as "jolly," 
 The reason being all to/ plain, ^ 
 
 To get a fitting rhyme to " holly ; " 
 If in the second line you meet 
 
 A reference to " Christmas cheer," 
 The fourth is sure to be complete 
 
 With wishes for " a bright New Year." 
 
 It makes one wonder much if those 
 Who wrote of winter time as bliss, 
 
 Were men exempt from common woes ; 
 Had they an atmosphere like this ?
 
 ■so 
 
 For them, as us, did there exist 
 Neuralgia and attendant ills ? 
 
 Did they know aught of rain and mist, 
 Sleet, influenza, mud, and bills? 
 
 If some still live, I wonder how 
 
 Our pleasant London fog strikes them ? 
 Had they to write, as I do now 
 
 By candle-light at 2 p.m.? 
 O pleasant is, in Christmas rhyme, 
 
 The winter of our old tradition. 
 But as it comes in modern time 
 
 It is a downright imposition!
 
 51. 
 
 THE DON AND THE DAMSEL. 
 
 (A tale of the future.) 
 
 /^IMOTHY Jones, M.A., was a don of an average 
 
 sort, 
 An excellent tutor, he owned to a weakness for 
 
 Common-room Port, 
 A good Conservative, too, his language grew forcible 
 
 when 
 The Senate decreed henceforth the women should rank 
 
 as the men. 
 He always opposed reform, though wise and prudent 
 
 enough, 
 The Agricultural Tripos he summarized briefly as 
 
 "stuff!" 
 He failed to see that the Special* is better in twenty- 
 four parts, 
 And he sneered at the Doctress of Sewing, and jeered 
 
 at the Spinster of Aits ! 
 
 One day there arrived at his College, to wear academi- 
 cal gown, 
 
 A freshwoman fair to behold, and her name was 
 Angelica Brown ; 
 
 * The examination for the Ordinaiy Degree.
 
 52 
 
 Before she had been there long, universal attention was 
 
 called 
 To the marvellous number of times that maid by her 
 
 Tutor was hauled ; 
 Nightly the message came, while the rest wondered 
 
 what she had done ; 
 "The Tooter's compliments. Miss, and he'll see yer 
 
 to-morrow at one ! " 
 Soon further remark was made, when others this 
 
 summons had got. 
 The result of the interview was disagreeable, as likely 
 
 as not ; 
 But though she defied all rules, yet never official frown 
 Nor gating, nor any such thing, was the fate of Angelica 
 
 Brown ; 
 She never attended chapel, nor more than one lecture 
 
 a week, -^ 
 
 Although she was backward )^ Latin, and wholly 
 
 deficient in Greek ; 
 It is plain that Love was the cause, and when Love 
 
 appears on the scenes 
 It frequently plays the deuce with Lectures, Tutors, 
 
 and Deans ; 
 But Fate, which is ever behind, though its steps be 
 
 tardy and slow, 
 Set Timothy Jones to revise the Feminine Little Go !
 
 53 
 
 Weary and sad he sits at his somewhat monotonous 
 
 toil, 
 And looks over Little Go books by the light of his 
 
 midnight oil, 
 But he starts when he comes to the last, for on it is 
 
 written down : 
 " Previous Exam., Part L, Trin. Coll., Angelica 
 
 Brown." 
 Eagerly does he kiss that most unpoetical book, 
 But he stops when he turns the page ; and his face 
 
 grows pale at the look ; 
 111 had it fared with the damsel that never a lecture 
 
 she kept, 
 111 that while others were gated, she only in idleness 
 
 slept ; 
 Timothy moans "Alas! Just look at the stuff she's 
 
 contrived ! 
 ' Balbus habet venitus ' for ' Balbus lately arrived ! ' 
 Had it been any one else, at this parsing I fear I 
 
 should scoff — 
 ' Etiam from a verb etio with etsi as perfect thereof! ' 
 Her grammar's equally bad ; good gracious, what shall 
 
 I do? 
 She must get 25 marks; her total at present is 2 !
 
 54 
 
 Thrice before has she failed : once more and she'll be 
 
 sent down — 
 Never again shall I see the face of Angelica Brown ! " 
 Silent he pondered long ; then his face broke into a 
 
 smile 
 As he gave her 2 for her work, and 25 extra for style ! 
 So Angelica Brown got through ; but what became of 
 
 the Don 
 Nobody knows to this day, and conjecture were idle 
 
 thereon ; 
 For when they opened his door, a smell of brimstone 
 
 was plain — 
 The unprincipled Timothy Jones was never heard of 
 
 again !
 
 ■55 
 
 TO A PESSIMIST. 
 
 yES, as you say, this destiny unpleasant, 
 Should fate be adverse, may become our lot, 
 But as there is no certamty at present, 
 I'd just as soon imagine it will not. 
 
 But 3'ou indulge beyond the common measure 
 
 In melancholy vain imaginings ; 
 'Tis strange, this subtle and misguided pleasure 
 
 In looking at the gloomy side of things ! 
 
 The one pursuit that can your mind absorb is 
 
 Predicting future universal woe, 
 And you, " si fractns illabatur orbis," 
 
 Would cheerfully remark : " I told you so ! "
 
 56 
 
 I 
 
 L'ENVOI. 
 
 FAIN would live to write great poetry ; 
 A member of that chosen band to be 
 Who worthily have borne the poet's name, 
 Whose works are written on the scrolls of fame, 
 Whose words can mock destructive Time's decree ; 
 
 From flippant verse like this I ought to flee — 
 In this, at least, you'll readily agree — 
 Inspired to write by some Promethean flame, 
 
 I fain would live : 
 
 But since I have an eye to £ s. d. 
 This lot, I fear, is not designed for me ; 
 And this avowal causes me no shame, 
 The world, and not your poet, is to blame, 
 The Tragic Muse is best — but then, you see, 
 
 I fain would live !
 
 u
 
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