ML K55T8 NRLF B ^ 337 b31 TURN OUT! MUSICAL FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. BY JAMES KENNEY, ESQ. \S PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, LYCEUM. SeconU (Etiition^ LONDON: PRINTED BY WHITTINGHAM ANl> ROWLAND, Goswdl Street; FOR SHARPE AND HAILES, PICCADILLY. 1812. Price Two Shillitigs. MUSo '> CHARACTERS. Restive ------- Mr. Dowton. Somerville ------ Mr. Phillips^ Dr. Truckle - - - - - - Mr. Lovegrove^ Forage ------- Mr. Knight, Gregory - - Mr. Oxbery, Cook -------- Mr. Maddocks^ Gardiner ------- Mr. Evans, Simon ------- Mr. Chatterley. Marian Ramsay - - - - Miss Duncan, Mrs. Ramsay ----- Miss Tidswell^ Peggy Mrs. Scott. 580 TURN OUT! ACT I. SCENE — A Room in the House of Restive. SoMERviLLE Walking about in reverie. Forage ^ enters to him. SOMERVILLE. Well, it's lucky I've a tolerable degree of patience, or I should certainly be one of the most miserable men in existence. For, When yon have done with your medita- tions, sir, your uncle wishes to see you. Som. I know it, Forage — Heigho ! For. Aye, sir, we're two unlucky fellows. Som. We are. Forage, fndeed. You have ofteti been a sharer in my gaiety — now, if you have nothing better to do, we'll for a {ew moments mingle our sorrows. For. We have mingled nothing else lately, sir. It will be only, as the apothecary says, the mix- ture as before. Som. That my uncle's temper should be so tyrannically passionate — Foi\ And yours so provokingly composed and independent — Som. Is a fatal contrast, certainly. For. You studied under Doctor Truckle, sir$ and I must say, you ought to have learnt better. Som. No sneers at the Doctor, sir. If he does enjoy a little more of my uncle's favour, hasn't he richly deserved it r— cherished his foibles, encou- raged him to perplex his poor head with his political pamphlets, till he becomes every day more choleric and unmanageable — and then doesn't he offer himself as the patient butt of all his infirmities ? *For. Yes, sir — and you are pleased to quiz him for his infirmities, by which means the Doctor, I suspect, will sneak into a good fortune, and you'll joke yourself out of one. Sorn. It may be so — but you would'nt have me quite despair ? For. Why, sir, I've a piece of news for yon that won't much raise your hopes, I've a notion. Som. Out with it. For. Why, sir, the housekeeper tells the but- ler, and the butler tells me, that the old gentle- man has sent for a new relation out of Scotland. Som. A new relation r — It must be a \ery dis- tant one then. For. It is, sir — some sister's husband's brotherV wife's daughter — or something thereabouts, I know. Som. Well, sir ? For. Well, sir — she's expected to arrive every hour; and when she does, he means to marry her to Doctor Truckle directly. Som. A very serious intelligence, indeed. For. You may think of it as you like, sir — but, with submission, both together they'll put your nose out of joint to a certainty. * Som, And if they do, I shall strictly return the compliment upon the Doctor's, depend upon it. For. Well, sir, you seem to take it very coolly. Som. (Calmly) No, I assure you I'm in a devil of a rage about it. If I am disinherited, Forage, what becomes of my dear Marian ? For. Aye, sir, and of my Peggy ? Som, Both, I believe, equally poor — For. And, like their admirers, equally amiable. Som. However, as we haven't heard from them these six weeks, there's some probability that their affection may fortunately be on the decline. For. Yes, that's some comfort, sir, certainly — and our only hope now is, that they don't care a damn about us. Sovi. Fickle, fickle woman! and yet that I should be doom'd to love her still ! For. Aye, sir, that's right — let us fairly vent our complaints, and then we shall be easier. Som. Come then, sir, fairly and candidly. DUET. Som. With not one line her truth to prove. Will Marian bless my sight ; Can she who learnt so well to love. So quickly learn to slight ? For. VVith not one line her truth to prove, Will Peggy bless my sight — For she who learnt so well to love, Could never learn to write. Both. Heighol heigho! Two am'rous wanderers we go ■ Through the wide world to sigh heigho ! Som. Yet here, like lover true, I swear. And Heav'n my witness be, Should Fate for me a crown prepare, rd share that crown with thee 1 Foi\ And 1 eternal truth will swear. But Heaven my witness be, That I shall share, sweet maid, I fear, Scarce half-a-crown with thee. Both, Heigho! heighol &c. For. So much for our mistresses ; and now I think you may spare a few moments to your affectionate uncle. Som, I think I may. Forage. Gregory enters. Greg, How d'ye do, gentlemen ? For. Your most obedient, sir. This is Mr. Gregory, sir, the new footman.- Greg, I hope you're pretty well, sir, Som. You are very kind, sir. And pray is that the sole intention of your visit ? Greg, Why, sir, not quite ; for as I was coming out of politeness to pay my duty to you, he, as they call Doctor Truckle, told me to tell you that when you was at leisure master wanted to see you. For, You'll have him break out, sir, presently. Som. No, Forage, he knows me too well. He'll forbear with me as long as possible, you may be sure ; and if we only keep from parting, I verily think at last I shall make him as calm and genteel as Mr. Gregory himself [Exit, Greg. Come, that's very handsome of him, how- ever. For, But no compliment, Mr. Gregory, l*m sure. Greg, Do you think not, Mr. Forage ? For. To be sure I do. You are a genteel fellow, certainly. Greg. Why I think Fve a bit of a turn that way. But then I always made it my study. Natur was pretty liberal to me, to be sure — but natur never gives none on us the last polish. For, A very just remark, i, 7 Greg. Never, sir; beauty aint every thing-— manners makes the man to a certainty. For. You're perfectly right, sir— and pray have you seen your new master yet ? Greg. No, not yet. But if he don't send for me, I shall make it a pint for to go and pay my respects to him. in doo time. 9 For, Indeed ! I think I see yort paying your respects to him. Greg. I wish yon may ; I think you'd approve of it. I shall do it in a proper and becoming manner, 1 promise you. Polly Smallfry always said to me, '^ Gregory," says she, " you only be- have pohte and genteel, and there's no fear of your getting on, my love/' For, And pray who's Polly Smallfry ? Greg, Between you and I she's my flame. For. Very genteel, indeed. Greg. But you'll excuse me; I'm a going into Doctor Truckle's room to look for a pen, and ink, and paper, to write to her. She'll think it un- handsome if I don't let her know I'm safely arrived in .y:ood health, you know, and so forth. For. Certainly — and all this gentility and at- tention to Polly Smallfry will get you into high favour with your old master, IVe no doubt. Gregy Why if he's up to snuff, 1 shouldn't at all wonder. If you're going this way, sir, I'll follow you. For. After you, sir. Greg. I couldn't think of it. For. You're a very polite gentleman, upon my honour. [Exeunt ceremoniously, SCENE — another Room, A Table zvith Books^ Pen, Ink, and Paper. Enter a Man-cook and Boy meeting. Cook, Well, have you seen him } Boy. No; I peep'd in at the door, and I see he's a writing and screwing up his mouth ; and when he's in that way, you know it's impossible to speak to him. Cook. But I tell you you must speak to him. I can't wait all day — and there'll be the devil to pay if his dinner isn't ready in time. 10 Boy, Well, if I must, I must — but I know what the consequence will be. [Exit. Gardiner enters. Gard. Well, Cook, have you got the orders ? Cook, No. Dick says he's full of his writings, and so was afraid to ask him. — But it*s impossible to wait any longer, so I have sent him back again. Boy returns. Boy. Oh, dear ! oh dear ! oh dear ! Run, Cook, run ! Cook. What's the matter ? Boy. The matter ! Why, he's thrown a large book at me — and now he's coming after me in such a passion. Rest, (ivithoiit.) I'll be the death of you, you young rascal, I will. Cook. Oh 1 the devil 1 Let's get out of his way till his passion's over. Here he is. — Come along ! [Exeunt. Restive enters (a paper in his hand.) Rest. Where is the villain ? — Was there ever such a set of infernal, troublesome, impertinent block- heads ! — To disturb me in such a critical moment ! In five minutes the .whole national debt would have been entirely liquidated. Never was any thing so provoking ! When the great plan was just working to a consummation, adamn'd imp of a boy asks me w^hat I'll have for dinner, oversets the glorious discovery, and then runs off, and leaves his country in the midst of its difficulties. Where is Doctor Truckle ? Now the mischiefs done, not a soul comes near me. Why, Simon, Gregory, Doctor Truckle ! — I see they'll drive me raving, and then I suppose they'll be satisfied. 11 SONG .All the world was born to vex me, Worry, flurry, and perplex me. Vain my brilliant meditations, Patriotic lucubrations ! Still they come to mar my labours. Friends, relations, servants, neighbours. All the world* was born to vex me, &c. Simon I — Doctor 1 — all about me Spoil my temper, jeer and flout me ; Sometimes coming, no one calling ; Sometimes deaf to all my bawhng: Anger craving. Danger braving, Till, at last, they'll drive me raving. All the world was born, &c. Forage enters. For, Did you call, sir? Rest. Oh ! you're come, are ygu, sir ? And whereas your master, sir? why doesn't he come when I send for him ? For, Why, sir, I believe — Rest, Don't tell me what you believe, sir! I believe, sir, he wants to provoke me, as usual, with his impudent composure. But it won't do, sir ! Does he mean to come or not, sir ? For, Indeed I don t know, sir. Rest, You don't know, sir — and why don't you know, sir ? — Why don't you look for him ? For. If you desire it, sir, certainly. I'll tell him, that his uncle, in his usual mild and gracious manner ' Rest, (threatening.) You'll tell him what, sir ? For. I'll tell him you wish to see him, sir. Rest. What, you want to put me in a passion, like your master, do you ? But it won't do, sir ; neither of you shall ; I'll be damrHd if you shall. Get out of the room, sir — Get out of the room. (Forage going,) Stop, sir — come back. Go up 12 to the library, and desire Doctor Truckle to bring me down the two foho volumes of Rapin. Do you understand me ? For, Yes, sir; desire him to bring them down himself, sir ? Rest, Why, are you deaf, lout ? Do as I or- der you. For, Directly, sir. B.est, Stop, sir — come here — come here. (Fo- rage advances cautiously.) YouVe served abroad, haven't you ? For. Yes, sir. Best. And know something of geography, I dare say ? For. A little, sir. Rest, Then answer me like a sensible fellow. What's your private opinion of a grand political union between Great Britain, North America, and the Cape of Good Hope ? (Forage bursts into a smothered laugh.) Get out of the room, sir. (driving him out.) An impudent, insolent jackanapes. Now if I can but recover the chain of my calculations. (Refers to his paper, Forage returns chuckling^ and showing in Gregory un- observed.) Let me see— If I make it clearly ap- pear that the operation of the sinking fund Greg, How do you do, sir ? I hope you're pretty well ? Rest, (turning suddenly round and violently boxing his ears.) How dare you, sir ! how dare you ! — You hope I'm pretty well ! How dare you take such a liberty ? Greg, I beg pardon. I thought it were but good manners — but since it gives you offence, I won't hope so any more. Rest. What, you're my new footman, I sup- pose ? ' Greg, Yes, sir, recommended by Squire Old- school, of Devonshire. 13 Rest, Oh 1 here comes Doctor Truckle. — Help him, sir — why don't you help him ? [Doctor Truckle enters ^ carrying two large folios, Gregory goes to help him and throzvs them both dozen on his toes. Dr. Tr, Sdeath ! the booby has lamed me. Rest. How dare you lame him } Greg. I ax your pardon — it was the gentle- man's own clumsiness, indeed. Rest. How the devil can you be so clumsy. Doctor ? Dr. Tr. Pray don't let it disturb you, I beg. Rest. Well, well. Dr. Tr. You have enough to vex you, Fm sure. Rest. I have indeed. Every body studies to vex me but you. Doctor ; and then they say I'm irritable. Dr. Tr. They do you great injustice. Rest. They do me damnable injustice. (Here Gregory seats himself at the table — takes a sheet of paper, and begins to zvrite.J Dr. Tr. Your nephew may talk, sir — but there are moments when Socrates might have studied you with advantage — and if you were but known, history has no instance of such a patriot. Rest. I don't think it hks. Sir, you're a liberal jrritic as well as a true friend. — But let my fair relation reward you — she shall atone to both of us for the insults we have suffered from my unnatural nephew. Dr. Tr. Indeed it grieves me that I cannot be the young man's advocate — bVlt how I should have merited — Rest. Psha ! curse your modesty ! I tell you I won't be plagued with it. Have her you must and shall — aye, and you'll like her too. The ac- counts I have of her are all as your heart could 14 wish — youth, beauty, sound sense, solid infor- mation, and no romance. Dr. Tr. A treasure indeed ! Some lessons I may furnish her of Greek and Roman virtue, may yet improve her. Rest, I tell you v^^hat, Doctor — if you talk to the girls about Greek and Roman virtue you'll talk like an old blockhead. (Doctor smiles,) — But as to her sense, I've a sure criterion to judge of that* I sent her down my last pamphlet — there's no name to it, you know; and as I haven't informed her it's mine, I shall be able to get her real opinion of it. Dr, Tr. (Aside.) Then her only chance is, that she hasn't read it. Rest. Doctor — don't you expect it will be quoted in the house ? Dr. Tr. Sir, it will be the statesman's pocket- companion, the minister's vade-mecum ; that is, when it's known. Rest. Of course, when it's known — I say — I mean to quote it myself at the next county meeting. Dr. Tr. Public-spirited to the last. Rest. Let's hear how it reads. Doctor. (Takes a pamphlet from his pocket, J There, begin it, will you, and let's hear. Dr. Tr. (Reads very slow.) " The important crisis at which the affairs of Europe are now ar- rived, the system of politics which has for some time past been adopted in this country" — what a Ciceronian rotundity! " must lead every ^thinking, every considerate, every reflecting mind" — Rest, Damn it. Doctor, don't read so slow. Don't let it come so heavy upon one — a little brisker — " The important crisis at which the af- fairs" — — Dr, Tr, I understand (imitates) " The im- 15 portant crisis at which the affairs of Europe are now arrived ; fhe system of politics" — Rest. Psha! psha! psha! that's too quick. — Zounds ! can't you observe a medium ? Dr, Tr. I beg pardon — I perceive what you mean. I'll begin again. Rest. Aye, now then. \Tiirns away and listens. Greg. (At the table ^ reading aloud what he has written.) " I arrived here last night in pretty good health and sperrits." — Rest. I arrived here ! — why, what's that ? — How dare you, sir — what do you do there, sir ? [Drives him aivay. Greg. I were but writing to my friends for politeness. Rest. None of your politeness here, sir. Get out of the room. [Exit Gregory.] That booby thinks I've hired him to practise politeness. — Oh! here comes my Lord Composure — here comes Mr. Serenity. He sha'n't triumph over my tem- per, at any rate. SoMERviLLE enters. Som, I heard you sent for me, sir. Rest. Yes, and you have been in great haste to obey me. Som. I wou'dn't for the world, sir, abridge the precious moments you dedicate to so valuable a companion as this gentleman — this paragon of patience, complaisance, condescension — in short, of every Christian and accommodating virtue. Dr, Tr, Always, at least, too modest to hear my own praises, and therefore, at present, your very humble servant. [Exit. Rest. What ! you want to put the Doctor in St passion too. Som, I know his philosophy too well, sir. 16 Rest. Do you so ? — ^Well, sir, and now IVe a word or two, if you please, for your philosophy. I sent for you, to tell you, sir, that your apart- ments in this house are wanted ; and the sooner you provide yourself elsewhere, the more agree- ab/e. Som. I understand you, sir— sent for me, to give me regular Warning. Rest. Precisely so, sir; and I hope, for your own sak€, you'll take it, without reducing me to a forcible ejectment. Sortii And what's to become of me then, sir? Rest. Return to your regiment ; or, if you don't like that, turn scavenger — highwayman — king of the gipsies, if you like. Som. A very pretty thought, sir ; and I think the character would become me exceedingly. ^ Rest. I don't know that. You have certainly the impudence of a highwayman ; but curse me if I think you have half grace enough for a beggar. As for me, sir, henceforth I am inflexible as a rock. Som. Flinty as a rock, I'm sure, sir — and yet I was in hopes— Rest. Well, sir*— what were you in hopes of, sir? Som. That when you had disposed of the debts of the nation, you'd give a little consideration to your nephew's. Rest, Really ! You have made it a very thank- ful office, haven't you ? Som. Ah ! sir, I wish the nation may be half as grateful. Rest. And if it were not, sir, it would never keep up its stock of patriotism, depend upon it. No, sir, henceforth you'll raise your own supplies, if you please. If you employ me, like a discreet minister I lay no tax on my own purse, I promise you ', and so, sir, you have my ultimatum. [Goijig, 17 Som. Stop, sir — what think you of the old ex- pedient in cases of difficulty ? a trifling loan, for instance ? Rest. If you find a contractor, I shall wish you joy of him with all my heart. Som. You shall have the preference, sir^ by all means. Come, sir, what will you bid me ? Rest. What I always shall on all such occasions — a very good morning. JSom. Ha! ha! ha! Rest. Oh! curse your sneers; but they sha'n't provoke me, you most abandoned, aggravating, impudent profligate. [Exit. Som. So, this is something like a crisis at last. Now have I a great mind, if it were not for my vows to Marian, to make violent love to this new relation. But as matters stand — well, thanks to my stars, I'm not given to despondency ; and in this, as well as every other dilemma, I can still cherish hope, and trust to fortune. . SONG. If love, as they say, be the solace of youth, And my mistress neglect all my ardour and truth ; To forswear her whole sex in revenge may be right, But then in a soldier would that be polite ? Oh! no, no, no. So Philosophy brightened with Hope's cheering ray, Be still my specific for sorrow ; And if I can't have all my wishes to-day, I can very Avell wait till to-morrow. Though the wTath of my uncle against me is hurl'd, Yet Poverty offers to show me the world ; And if Wealth's fickle vot'ries frown on my lot, Must I die in despair ? no, I'd much rather not. Oh ! no, no, no. But Philosophy brightened with Hope's cheering ray, Be still my specific for sorrow ; And if I can't have all my wishes to-day, I can very well wait till to-morrow. C 18 Syiier Gregory, showing in Marian Ramsay and Peggy. — Gregory zvith his Letter, Greg. This way, miss. Bless me ! how I am interrupted in my letter. Who did you say, miss? Mar, Miss Ramsay, from Scotland. Greg, Miss Ramsay ! — Polly will think it very unhandsome, Fm sure. (Reads his letter,) " I arrived here last night" — Peggy, Don't stand mumbling there, but go and look for your master. (Pushes him.) Greg, I wonder where that young woman was brought up 1 [Exit. Peggy, Well, ma'am, now we're here, hadn't I better go and look after the Captain and Mr. Forage as soon as possible ? Mar, Mercy on me ! what ! the moment we arrive? For heaven's sake, take a little breath, girl! Peggy, Lord, ma'am ! if I do, 'tis ten to one but Mr. Forage takes it away again directly. Mar, Don't tell me of Mr. Forage ; go and help my mother with the luggage immediately. P^SSy* ^^% miss, I'll look to that first cer- tainly ; but with respect to our lovers, the less time we lose the better, miss, take my word for it. [Exit. Mrs, Ramsay enters. Mar, Well, mother ! Mrs, R, Well, child ! you haven't seen him yet? Mar, No, not yet. Mrs, R, Then pray, my dear girl, while it isn't too late, pray give up your mad project — once more let me beg it of you. Mar, It's all in vain, mother. I'm determined to disgust him j and there's nothing like the first fl9 impression. You know I came to satisfy my uncle, and in the hope of meeting my dear So- merville. But since I have heard, on such good authority, the real state of old Restive's family affairs, he makes me no party to his projects, I promise him. What ! do you think I'll be the means of disinheriting a worthy young fellow, because he won't assist in turning his poor uncle*s brain — and all to enrich a stupid old parasite ! Nq, if I do, may I sprain my ancle in the midst of a reel, and never revenge another romping kiss from the generous lad of my heart. ,. Mrs. R, Bless the girl! she thinks of nothing but reels and romping kisses. How can you be so unreasonable? As to young Somerville, 1 shouldn't wonder if you never set eyes on him again; and then, who knows^ b^ y^ may li^^.this Doctor Truckle ? > | r ,., , , ? ^/i , , r v ^j^sK Afar. Like him ? why he's past his grand cli- macteric. Mrs, R. What then ? There was your father, even in the winter of his years, would sometimes be as gay and as lively as if it were but May-day with him. Mar, Ah! mother, we all know what your fine weather in winter is — a gleam of sunshine may melt the ice for a little while ; but it's very apt to freeze again at night. Mrs. R. Well, but consider the character I have given of you ^ I'm afraid his disappointment will all light upon me. And then, why make your case so desperate ? You know I love the man of your heart as much as you do, for his generosity to your cousin Andrew — and cou'dn't we contrive now to discard the Doctor and recommend him ? Mar. And what then becomes of the poor nephew? No, no, it's a shabby business, and I'll have nothing to do with it. , .,.. , ,. , , .. 20 , Mrs, Rp Heaven hel p us ! youVe so head- strong. Mar, Hark ! here he comes, mother. Mrs. R. Does he? Then Til get oat of the way till the meeting's over, for I^m sure I shall be frightened out of my wits. [Exit, Mar, Now then, to give him a specimen of all those brilliant accomplishments which my foolish friends have so lavishly bestowed on me. ';^'!''^. /^Marian assumes a?i air of gate ky silliness,) \ Enter 'Restive, folloived bj/ GregokyT^ tiiii Rest, Here did you say? — Ah! my dear young lady ! (noticing her manner) Zounds, this can't be she! — I beg pardon, miss, pray are you the young lady from Scotland? Mar. Did you speak to me, sir ? Rest. To be sure I did. ^^ Mar, What did you say, sir? Rest, I say are you the young lady I expect from Scotland ? ' "• Mar, Oh! yes, I come out of Scotland. Rest, Then, come to my arms, my darling, come to my arms. Mar, {after a pause) What did you say, sir? Rest, Zounds I I say, come to my arms. ' • Mar. I don't know what you mean, I'm sure, sir. Rest. What the devil, is the girl an idiot? It must be some stranger; it never can be she.— - Who are you, girl ? What's your name? , " = ' Mar, Did you speak to me, sir ? Rest. To be sure I did. Have you lost your senses? -^ '^^^ ,(.m Uv / c^i iijiUi. Mar. Oh! dear str,if iiia^vfeii't', I'm sure you'll frighten me out of them. Rest, Tell me your name then, directly. Mar. Yes, sir; I'm Marian Ramsay, you know, sir, your distant relation. 21 JRest. Yes, upon my soul, a very distant rela^ -tion indeed. Why, then, if you are my relation^ why don*t you behave Hke one — eh ? Come, give me your hand — [takes it J well, and how are you, my girl ? Mar. Pretty well, thank'ye, sir. Best. AVell, and have you had a safe journey ? and how long have you been arrived, eh ? Mar, What did you say, sir? Best, I ^ay, how long have you been arrived ? Greg, (looking ovtr his letter) " I arrived here last night in pretty good health and sperrits." Best. Get out of the room, you impudent blockhead ! (drives him out.) 'Sdeath, girl, why don't you give me some account of yourself? Mar. Yes, to be sure, sir. I'll give you some account of myself directly. SONG. Fm Marian Ramsay, from Scotland I come, All adowri the green dale where the violets are springing. And much I should grieve from dear Scodand to part. But I'm come to the south, sir, to get a sweetheart. With my fa la la la, while the birds are a singing. They say my relation's a mighty odd man, : All away from the dale, &c. 'Tis you, sir, I'm sure, for, the truth to reveal, As we say in the north, you're a comical cheel. With my fa la la la, &c. So get me my sweetheart and wish me good bye. All away to the dale, &c. If the bonny lad's willing, I'm now in my prime, And sure 'tis a pity to lose any time, With my fa la la la, &c. Best, Curse me, if I know what to make of her — ^She seems a perfect natural — 1*11 put her to the grand test at once. Pray, my dear, did you receive a book I sent you ? 22 Mar, Oh! yes, sir, we received it— it was about politics — and such a heap of foolishness, you can*t think. . Rest, A perfect idiot decidedly — why, was there ever — whereas your mother, girl ? Mar. She's looking after the things, sir. Rest, An old fool, writing me a cock and a bull story of her sense and education. Mar. Lauk ! what a deal of figuring ! (pulling his papers about.) Rest. Let the figuring alone. 'Sdeath and the devil — I'll go and give the old woman such a sessar^ra — Damme, Til send her back to Scotland in a whirlwind. [Exit. Mar, A most amiable relation I have discor rered, upon my life. Peggy enters, Peggy. Oh ! madam, madam ! Mar. What now } \ Peggy, As sure as I live, ma*am, Mr. Res- tive's unfortunate nephew is no other person than Captain Somerville himself. Mar, Impossible! Peggy. It's true, ma'am, indeed. I've just seen both him and Mr. Forage from a window, and they're both coming into the house. Ob, Lord i ma'am, here they are. Somerville a!wc? Forage enter, Som, Is it possible ? — Marian ! Mar, Somerville ! For. Peggy ! Peggy, Mr. Forage ! Mar, And are you my cousin ? Som. And are you the sister's husband's bror ther's wife's daughter ? Mar. The same. 23 Som. and Mar. (together) Oh ! my dear cou- sin ! (embrace) Peggy, ^Oh 1 my dear Mr. Forage. > (embrace Sc For. ^Oh 1 my dear Peggy. ) also, J Som. This is surely the most auspicious mo- ment! Mar, Oh, yes ! our salutation being over, now you may congratulate yourself. It's a very au- spicious moment indeed. Here have I arrived post haste from Scotland to marry your rival, and turn you out of doors. Som. Why, upon my honour, under all ap- pearances, I see no reason to imagine the con- trary. Mar. Oh! don't flatter yourself— You have no reason to imagine the contrary. Som. My dear Marian, surely you can't be serious — surely you never can intend — Mar. Bless my soul, here's the young philoso- pher quite in a fluster — Pray be composed for a moment. Here, Peggy — go to my mother, and whisper her to detain old Restive as long as pos- sible. Peggy. I vi^ill, ma'am. Mar. And not a v^^ord of this discovery. Peggy. Oh! no ma'am. For. Oh ! no, ma'am, certainly. Peggy. Come along, Mr. Forage. For. Come along. I hope when I return, sir, I shall find you a little better. [Exeunt Forage a7id Peggy. Mar. Now, sir, if you see any just cause or im- pediment why Doctor Truckle and Marian Ram- say should not be joined together in holy matri- mony, you are now to declare it. This is the first time of asking. Som. And can you find none ? Mar. None, I am sure, that you have a right to urge. What! never to have written for .six weeks! JSom. I received no answer to my last. Mar. It didn't deserve one, sir. It was too confident, too much en cavalier — not one pang, doubt, or fear — wliy, sir, did you forget you were writing to a woman ? — or did you suppose me a philosopher in petticoats ? Som. Prescribe my penance, and my offence shall be expiated. Mar, Ah! it's lucky for you that the unfortu- jiate cousin pleads for the negligent lover, or heaven knows what you might have had to go through. Som, You are aH generosity. Mar. Well, well, no compliments now, but hear my plan. Before I knew that these two in- teresting characters were combined in your person, I had determined to redress your wrongs in the former, by becoming the greater plague to your uncle of the two. That project I now reverse^ — and direct all my powers of pleasing towards him, all my talents of annoyance against your rival. Sovi. Delightful! Mar, On such an occasion I shall not be over- nice, I assure you ; and if I bring the Doctor to refuse me, which I certainly will, a rupture must ensue — out of his disgrace we may insinuate your restoration, and make you the successor to all his hopes, and all his honours. Sovi, You transport me at the thought ! Mar. In the meantime we must carefully dis- guise our acquaintance ; and my first blind shall be to encourage your uncle's resentment against you. Som, I'll second your intention. To you I com- mit all — and never was more proud than in ador- ing you as my guardian angel. 25 Mar, No compliments now. We must part to prevent suspicion. Let us offer our devotioHS to the little god of love, and fear nothing. Som. I'll offer him the sincerest that ever ascended from his altar. DUET. Som. God of love ! assert thy fame, Mar. Let not dotage mock thy name. Som. Pr'ythee aid my wretched case, Mar. Pr'ythee view his woeful face. Both, Be thou our guide, and thou our friend, And should success our hopes attend, Sing lera lara then will we, A merry song in praise of thee. [Exaint. SCENE— ^?i Apartment. Re-enter Restive to Marian. Rest. Ha! ha! ha! a very pleasant frolic in- deed, and so you are a very clever young girl after all. Mar. At least, «ir, Tm not the fool you took me for. Rest. And it was all to try my temper, eh ? Mar. Nothing else. I had heard you were so terribly passionate I And, considering how rude I was, I'm sure you were as patient as an angel. Rest No, damn it, I was in a bit of a passion, too ; but at such a disappointment who would not be, my darling ? Mar. It was very kind of you, I'm sure. Rest. And then that book I was talking ©f^ you know, called a View of the State of Public Affairs. Mar. Oh, delightful! Rest. No, do you think so } Mar. Charming, sir. Rest. Vm the author of it. 26 i/tfr. No,sir! Rest. I am, indeed ; and what*s nmore, I've an- other just ready for the press ; I'll show it you ; it's the scheme of a grand political union. Mar. Why, what a fine head you must have! Rest. And besides that I have a decided plan for payino^ off the national debt. Mai\ For paying it off, sir ? Rest. Aye; by instalments — at three, six, and twelve months. Mar. Glorious! and to those prodigious plans the Doctor has no objection. Rest. Why I own he has found ohc objection to each of them, which certainly at first seems rather formidable ; but then, as he says, why if ministers can get over that themselves, what the d^vil are they good for ? Mar. Very true, sir ; you're a great character — you've inspired me — and I'm determined to assist you. , . Rest. What, a young woman turn pohtician ? Mar. Why not, sir ? we've had plenty of old ones in that capacity, I'm sure. Rest. That's devilish keen. Oh, I see the Doc- tor will be delighted with you ; just the chai-acter he lopks for and desires ; sound sense, solid infor- mation, and no romance. Mar. (Aside) So, that's my cue for the Doctor ; but when shall I see the Doctor, sir ? Rest, Oh 1 what you're impatient ! Til tell you what — a. whim has seized him, to steal upon you without your knowing him ; so I promised to give him" his way — but I thought by giving you the hint, you might improve it to your advantage — you understand. / Mar. Thankye, sir; I shall use it to my ad- vantage, I've no doubt — but then alone, sir? Rest. Aye, what of that ? 27 Ma7\ Lord, sir, these scholastic characters some- times break out very strangely. Rest. Nonsense. Bless you, the Doctor won't break out, I'll answer for it. Oh, here comes my* nephew — he'll be prettily annoyed at seeing you; or, do youknow,! should not wonder at his making love to you. Mar. Well, do you know I should not wonder at that either. Rest. 1 should like to catch him at it. Mar. That's what I've often said to myself, sir. Rest. Now we'll quiz him. Mar. We will, sir^ we will plague him fa- mously. SoMERViLLE enters. Rest. Well, sir, pray what brings you here? Som. Chiefly, sir — curiosity and respect for my fair cousin. Rest. Oh, if that's all, sir, there she is — look at her, make your bow, and walk off. Mar. Aye, the sooner the better, I'm sure. Rest. There, sir, how do you like her now ? Som. She's an angel, sir. And is this fair crea- ture so soon to be sacrificed ? Mar. No sacrifice, sir. Rest. No, sir, no sacrifice — and therefore no more of your impertinence j but pray oblige us with your absence. Som. And am I never to find you in good humour, sir P »^- Rest. You will not put me into an ill humour again, sir, I promise you. aUARTETTO. Rest, Your jesting and jeering. Your taunting and sneering. All rage disappearing, We treat but with scorn. 28 Mar. You'll find it in vain, sir, To try them again, sir, They'll meet with disdain, sir. So pack, and be gone. Som» Is then virtue still opposM ? Spite of all my love and truth^^ Can such tender hearts be closed 'Gainst a poor unhappy youth I Jiest, Yes, your jesting and your jeering, &c. Leave the room — that's plain and flat, sir., Leave the room Som. I understand, Only let me first — Best. Well, what, sir h Som. Kiss my fair relation's hand. (Kisses her hand.) Mar, See, sir, how my band he tears. Rest. With the o^her box his ears. (She boxxs his ears.) Bravo ! So^n. Bravo 1 too, say L All. You are welcome, heartily. Som. You see how I strive, air, your passion to hinder. Rest. Begone, sir, I say ; or my patience you'll tire, (Enter Gregory, with papers half burnt.) Gr^g. Oh ! dear sir, the wind has been in at the window,. And blown all your cyphering into the fire. Rest. I'm ruin'd ! Som. Forgive your poor nephew ! Rest. No, never 1 Now you and the nation are ruin'd for ever! SoYfi. Then I and the nation are ruin'd for ever ! Mar. Now you and the nation, &c. END OF ACT f. ACT IL SCENE— ^5" before, SoMERviLLE and Forage meeting. Forage. So, sir, you're determined to keep it up, and die hard, I })erceive. Som. Don't you see my plan. Forage ? it's all to blind him the more effectually to my under- standing with my cousin, and strengthen the masked batter^^ she means to open on the Doctor. For. Well, sir, I wish you success. Rest. (Without) This instant, sir 1 — Do it di- rectly \ For. He seems to be giving some tremendous orders to Gregory, all levelled against us I'm afraid, sir. Oh ! here comes the accomplished messenger himself. Gregory enters. Som. Well, sir ! Greg. Mr. Somerville— ^I won't ax you hovy you do, for fear you should take it uncivil; so, sir, briefly, not to be guilty of no unpoliteness, my master's compliments, and you're to turn out of this house immediately. Som. To turn out of the house ? Greg* Yes; or else I and Simon, and Doctor Truckle and the constable, are to make you. Som^ Sir, I should be very sorry to be trouble- some to a party of such agreeable gentlemen, and therefore my complinaentsf to your master, and I obey his request. 30 Greg, Why that's behaving as genteel as a man can do. So7n. (apart to Forage.) You'll find me in the shrubbery ; wait till the Doctor's interview with Marian, and bring me news of the event ; and in the meantime make a friend of Gregory, in case of the worst. For, I will, sir. Som, Mr. Gjregory, I wish you a very good morning. [Exit. Greg, The same to you, sir, and many happy returns. Now, I can't say but I feel for that young gentleman vastly. For. And well you may, Mr. Gregory; for love, sir — ^-disobedience in a love affair is the cause of all his misfortunes. You know what it is to love. Greg, I do indeed; for Polly Small fry I'd give up all the world. For. Just like me and my master. And pray, who is this fair lady ? Greg. She and her mother, sir, are in the oyster line at Plymouth. Soon after we was ac- quainted, says I to her, one day, as she was a stand- ing at the shop-door, her beautiful arm leaning upon a kit of pickled salmon — "Polly," says I, " we're neither on us rich, but love's every thing ; only say the word and I'll make you my spouse directly, and trust to Providence." For. Arid she wou'dn't consent ? Greg. Why her mother answered for her: in her particular friendly and tender manner, " Gre- gory/' says she, " don't you go and make a damn'd fooF of yourself; it's time enough of you to think of marriage when you've laid up something to make the pot boil." For, That was a damper. Greg. Rather — but when we parted For. Ah! that parting's a trying moment; 31 I know it well, Mr, Gregory; their vows, their tokens of constancy. You see this beautiful bit of sky-blue silk ? (his watch ribbon:) Greg. I do, sir. For. It was my Peggy*s parting gift to me as you see, to make myself this elegant watch ribbon. Greg. And do you see this beautiful piece of black ribbon? ( taking one from his bosom,) For, I do. , Greg, It was what my Polly gin me at our. parting. For, Indeed ! Greg, Yes; to make myself a tail with ; of course, that binds me to her for ever. For. And to us too, I hope, Mr. Gregory 3 you will be our friend. Greg, I will, depend upon it. To tell you the truth, I wonder master didn*t order me to turn you out too. Rest, (xvithont.) Gregory 1 Greg. There! I shouldn't wonder now but he's recollected himself. But don't you be un- easy, Tm 3^our friend, and I'll show you the door as politely as possible, take my word for it. [Exit Gregory,^ For. And so Fm to turn out. — -Well ! I shall not be quizz'd fpi: j^y singularity in that respect, however. • jiho - ^ " Love and povert}''s fate is turn out ! imri put ! ^-9*^ A Love and poverty's fate is turn outl^^'^^i^ -"^ ^ • Ci Bat the rich blockhead's store,i • nia etiov ?.p> vlovi/ Alas! opens the door, • -h \ ^ Through vyhich merit, if poor, must tup out, turn out. Through which merit, if poor, must turn out. Great statesmen, when doom'd to tUrn out, turn out, •Great statesmen, when doom'd to turn out, 3^ Though full of their graces, When snug in their places, With very wry faces turn out, turn out, With very wry faces turn out. Our foe would their neiglibours turn out, turn out. Our foe would their neighbours turn out ; But John Bull is so queer, He'll sometimes interfere. Just to trouble Mounseer to turn out, turn out, Jtist to trouble Mounseer to turn out. In the "playhouse they often turn out, turn out ; Jn the playhouse they often turn out ; - And isn't it boring, To hear them encoring, While others are roaring, " Turn out ! turn out I'' While others are roaring, *' Turn out !" Poor poets must often turn out, turn out ; Poor poets are often turn'd out : 'Tis e'en thus with the great ; So the poet must wait. To know if his fate is, " Turn out! turn out ';* To know if his fate is, *' Turn out !" SCENE. Another Apartment. Enter Restive and Dr. Truckle* Rest. You rejoice my heart, Doctor^ — Set it to rights, do you say ? '*^'i)r. Tr. Every figure of it. llest. You save me from despair ! YouVe the best friend I have in the world ; and you shall have the girl directly. Just to your mind. Doctor I Aren't you happy ? Dr, Tr. Quite, quite happy ! l*m not quite so lively as you, sir ; but quite happy, I assure you. Rest. But zounds ! why aren't you lively ? Ha ! ha ! I can't help laughing to think how Ned will be mortified. Ha! ha! ha! Dr. Tr. Ha! ha! Rest. That's right, Doctor! laugh, think c$ S3 the wedding! Won't you dance and sing at the wedding, my boy ? Tol de riddle ! &c. Dr, Tr, To be sure, sir. Tol de riddle lol ! Rest. Egad, we'll have such a day of it ! SONG Hey for the merry wedding-day ! Bride and bridegroom in a twitter; Here they laugh, and there they titter; Horns and hautboys blow before us, Marrowbone and cleaver chorus ; You the bridegroom spruce and gay. Bong ding dong We trip along 1 Hey for the merry wedding-day ! &c. Like a prince ev'ry man in the village shall live, I'll have such a glorious jollification ; And, by way of desert, after dinner I'll give My opinion at large on the state of the nation. Then hey for the merry wedding-day ! &c. Bravo I Doctor ! Hark ! she's coming ! You had better retire a moment till I prepare her. — You're to come incog, you know. Dr, Tr. Incog, sir, if you please. [Exit, and then enter Marian. Rest. Well, my love ! the Doctor has set all my plans right again, and I've appointed him to find you here; and he's coming directly. Are you quite prepared ? Mar. Quite, sir. Rest. Then I'll leave you to receive him. Gregory enters. Greg. Did you call, sir ? Rest. Have you obeyed my orders, sir ? Greg. Yes, sir, and the young gentleman's gone in the handsomest manner you could wish. Rest. And who did I hear you talking to, sir ? Greg. His man, Mr. Forage, sir. £ 34 Rest, Turn him out too. Greg, Yes, sir ; any body else, sir ? Rest. Get out, sir. [Exit Gregory. Come, Fve disposed of my worst plagues, how- ever ; and now do you settle the Doctor's bu- siness, and you'll make a happy man of me. [Exit, Mar. ril do my best to settle his business — sir, I promise you. Now, then, to encounter him with all the extravagance of shallow ignorance and sen- timental distress. Here he is. (Takes a pensive and desponding attitude,) Doctor enters. Dr. Tr, So, there she is. A comely appendage to good fortune, faith ! (To her,) Your most obe- dient, miss — what ! is she asleep ? How do you do, my dear ? Mar. I beg pardon — my mind was so lost. Dr, Tr, I am a friend of the family, ma*am, and took the liberty of paying my respects to you. Mar. You're very polite, sir. Dr, Tr, What, your mind was occupied, I suppose, with some late subject of your studies. Reading, I find, is a favourite amusement with you. Mar. Now and then, sir, to beguile my soli- tary reflections. Dr, Tr. (Aside,) Solitary reflections I come, that's a hint that she'd like a companion, how- ever. (To her.) And pray, miss, what work may have last engaged your attention ? Mar. What work, sir ? Dr, Tr, Yes, ma'am, what work ? Mar, To tell you the truth, sir, it's so long since I've done any work at all, that I declare 1 don't remember. Dr, Tr, Oh dear ! you misconceive me, ma'am. 35 I mean, what literary work — what work have you been reading ? Mar. Oh! what book, sir? Let me see — the last, I think, was Horrid Mysteries. Dr, Tr, Horrid Mysteries ! zounds, a red-hot romance to begin with. Mar. In the country, sir, we have so little va- riety, it's quite a shame. Dr. Tr, Indeed, ma'am ! and yet your town is a town of some business and consequence. Pray what are the number of its inhabitants ? Mar, Oh ! lord, sir — lately my heart has been too full to think of counting 'em. Dr, Tr. To think of counting 'em — why, she talks like a perfect ignoramus. And pray, miss, have you no taste for ancient or modern history ? Mar, Ancient history ! ah ! what has ancient history to excite the soft sympathies of the soul ? Dr, Tr, The soft sympathies of the soul ! Mar. Except the story of Anthony and Cleo- patra, and the gentleman that swam across the Mediterranean, and a few others, 'tis tedious all! Dr, Tr. The gentleman that «wam across the Mediterranean i She means the Hellespont, I sup- pose. And pray, miss, what are these sympathies that you so particularly cherish ? Mar. What ? surely the sympathies of the tenderest of passions. Dr, Tr. You have experienced them then ? Mar. Would to heaven I had not ! Dr, Tr. And pray, miss, has your heart been so full on that account ? Mar, Alas 1 it has. How often have I sat upon the naked rock in the deep shades of even- ing, while the rain of heaven poured on my un- sheltered head, heedless of all but the sorrows of my aching heart. 36 Dr. TV'. (Aside.) Very rational — indeed, sit- ting in the dark on a naked rock, in a hard shower. Why, her head's as full of romance as a circulating library, and seemingly as empty of common sense. But pray, miss, how came this terrible heart-ache ? Mar. From my fatal passion, sir. Dr, Tr. Fatal, ma'am ? Mar. You shall hear all, sir. You appear a fatherly sympathizing friend, and may prove a comforter. Dr. Tr, Yes, ma'am ; I've a deal of sympathy in your case, I assure you. Mar, Then you shall hear all. Dr. Tr. If you please, ma'am ; only in as plain language as your feelings will admit of, and I shall be the more obliged to you. Mar, Excuse my wanderings, sir. Dr,Tr. Begin, ma'am. Mar. One night — Dr, Tr, (Aside.) Confound it 1 a very suspi* cious beginning. Mar, One night, sir — Dr. Tr, Yes, ma'am. Mar, Be that night for ever blotted from the Calendar. Dr. Tr, Bless my soul, it must have been a very bad night indeed. Mar, Quite the reverse, sir — but I must endea- vour to suppress my emotions. Dr. Tr. The more the better, ma'am, cer- tainly. Mar. I'll begin again, sir. Dr. Tr, If you please. Mar. The evening was serene and tranquil. Dr, Tr. Yes, yes, it was a fine evening. Mar, And the bright luminary of the night 37 riding her ethereal course, tipped the surrounding landscape with her silvery beams. Dr. Tr. Pooh, pooh ! madam, that's all moon- shine. Mar. It was so, sir. I was sauntering near a favourite bower. Dr. Tr. A bower! (aside) Oh, then it's all over, I'm afraid. Mar. My Edward suddenly appeared before me. Dr. Tr, Yes, ma'am. ' Mar. He never looked more lovely. Dr. Tr. (Aside) The old story, exactly. Mar. He directed my step towards the bower. Dr, Tr. (Aside) Confound him, I knew he would. Mar. He knelt before me, sighed, wept, swore he should die at my feet. Dr. Tr. Well, ma'am. Mar. The rest I leave to your sympathetic imagination. Dr. Tr. To my sympathetic imagination! I suppose I understand you, ma'am. Mar. I've no doubt but you do, sir. Dr. Tr. (Aside) Yes, it's a clear case. Adieu, Mrs. Truckle! Adieu all the little Truckles of my sympathetic imagination ! Mar. But you know I'm to be married soon, sir. Dr. Tr. I give the gentleman joy, ma'am. Mar. And then I and my lover and my hus- band may live together in a band of sentimental friendship, like Julia and the amiable St. Preux. ^ Dr. Tr. The devil take the amiable St. Preux, and his whole fraternity. Mar. Hal what do I hear! muttering to your- self ! You too plotting to take advantage of my confidence, and plunge me deeper in distress. 38 Dr, Tr, I, madam ! Mar, Cruel wretch! but it shall never be. Let me alone, sir I Dr, Tr, I'm not near you, ma'am. Mar, I'll call for assistance. Dr, Tr, Madam, I'm astonished. Mar, (screams) Ha! helpl help! save me! save me 1 (falls into the Doctor's arms,) Gregory enters. Greg. What's the matter ? Oh, Doctor ! Doc- tor! Doctor! Restive enters. Rest, What the devil's the matter here ? Greg. Why, I heard the young lady call out for help, sir, and when I came in, this is the way I cotch the Doctor. Rest, Why, what is the meaning of all this ? Mar. (recovering) Oh, dear sir, I'm glad you're come. Rest, Why, damn it, the Doctor has broke out then after all. Mar, The Doctor ! what then is this dear little gentleman to be my husband ? Rest, To be sure he is. Come, come, its time to throw off the mask ; and since matters have taken such a turn, egad you shall be married to-morrow morning. Dr. Tr. Pardon me, sir ; for reasons which I shall communicate in private, this marriage can- not take place. Rest. What do you mean? You won't marry her! Dr. Tr. It is impossible. Rest, Why, you impudent old sinner — b^hfive in this manner, and not marry her! Mar, What, not marry me, sir ! 39 Rest, Hold your tongue, girl. Greg, Why, what an ungenteel little stump of iniquity you must be. Rest. Get out of the way — will you marry her? Dr. Tr. If you knew the reason — Rest. There can be no reason, sir — will you marry her? Dr. Tr. It cannot be. Rest. Gregory! Greg. Yes, sir. Rest, Turn him out. Dr. Tr. If you would only hear me. Rest, Turn him out of the house. Greg. With the greatest pleasure; only I*m afraid by-and-bye you'll have nobody left in it. ^ Rest. Out with him. Greg. You will excuse me, Doctor, but bundle you must, (pushing him) Dr. Tr. Biit, Mr. Restive— Greg, I ax your pardon, sir, but I must do my duty, (pushing still.) Rest. Leave the house directly, sir — Turn him out. (Gregory shoves him out, Restiv Efollozving and threatenijig.) Forage enters to Marian. For. Huzza! ma'am, now is your time — FlI carry my master the news directly. Mar, Stop, Forage, (sits down and ivrites); take him at the same time this line of encourage- ment, and tell him I'll write again as soon as pos- sible. There — run, or you'll be detected. For. I'm gone, ma'am. [Exit, Mar. I'll cover your retreat. [Exit Jolloiving, Restive returns. Rest. Ha! I saw it all, Gregory! 40 Gregory returns, Greg, Yes, sir. Rest. Here's treason, a conspiracy, a corre- spondence with the enemy ; run after the villain, catch him, search him; if I detect her. Til turn her out too, and send all my relations to the de- vil together. [Exeunt, SCENE — an Ai^bour in the middle of a Shrub^ hery^ ivith an Avenue leading from behind. Enter Somerville. Som. Disgrace upon disgrace— but my Marian smiles, and with the power of enchantment dis- perses every anxiety. RONDO. Why should I sigh, Ah tell me why ? If love inspire my duty. No care shall dwell Around that spell, — The magic smile of beauty ! " Where pleasure wreathed in flowers, " Leads on the laughing hours, " From thee, my love, the charm I prove, ** That decks her rosy bowers." Beneath misfortune's shade. Should hope a moment fade, Till echoes sweet, thy name repeat, I'll sing of thee, fair maid ! 1 wonder I see nothing of Forage yet. Forage enters with a Basket of Provisions, For. Don*t be impatient, sir, here I am. Som, Well, sir, what's all this ? For, Comfort, sir, of the only kind I could 41 bring you. Unfortunately as our appetites are very likely to survive our good luck, I thought a pigeon- pie, and a bottle of good Madeira, might chance to be of some service to us. Som, A very provident precaution — but the news, sir, the news ? For. Bad, sir, terribly bad; the lady com* inenced her attack in the most gallant style, brought the Doctor to a downright refusal, and your uncle had actually turned him headlong out of the house, when unluckily, sir, a billet of intelligence with which I was charged, was suddenly seized upon my person, the whole con- spiracy betrayed, and the consequence will be, sir, that the Doctor will be sent for back imme- diately. Som, That we must prevent then ; which way is he gone? For. Gregory says, he's hereabouts, sir, and promised to bring us the first account of his in- structions. Sam. If we can find him, a plan strikes me to make him a greater rebel than ever ; and if we can but make my uncle a listener to his treason — Ah ! luckily here he comes ; now take your cue from me, and you shall see in the first place to what excellent discipline this tame philosopher may be brought. For, I'm ready, sir. [They retire. Doctor Truckle enters. J: Dr. Tr. After all my devotion to bis whims and vanities, to turn me out just at dinner-time, with- out a friend to fly to, and exposed to my worst of enemies, that infernal Captain and his impu- dent valet — If I should meet *em-— • 4« SoMERViLLE and Forage advance. Som, Ah! my dear Doctor. For, Ah ! ray dear Doctor. D?\ Tr. Ah ! gentlemen ! how d*ye do, geiT- tiemen ? You see how it is with me. Captain^ sharing the same fate with you, ^* lost in one ge- neral undistinguished ruin," " e tmo disce oinnesV You can*t be offended with me. Sojn. Offended! oh no, we wish to be jocular and friendly with you; my old boy. (strikes him on the shoulder.) For, Yes, quite jocular and friendly, my old boy. (slapping him on the shoulder.) ^^ Dr. Tr. Gentlemen, gentlemen — (they stop.) Really, Mr. Somerville, I*m afraid you're under some misapprehension respecting my conduct: '\i I could have thought it would have made yo« angry— Som. Angry, sir ? I'm never angry : if I hav^ occasion to break a fellow's bones, I always do it with the most perfect composure and good-breed- ing. (Shakes his cane.) Dr.Tr. I've no doubt of it. (Glancing fear- fully ^first at him, then at Forage.) JFor, Yes, it's very true, and I'm just such an- other well-bred little fellow as my master. Dr, Tr. That you are, I'm sure, Mr. Forage. Som, But you. Doctor, are my friend : my own misfortunes are nothing ; but you, my genius, my Mentor, my Pythagoras — to turn you out 1 and perhaps without your dinner too. Dr, Tr, Without a single mouthful. Som, Then you shall dine with us, and we'll crown our friendship in a bottle of generous Ma- deira. Dr. Tr, A bottle of Madeira! 48 /yc?;/;. Look ye there, my friend. (SJioiving tke provision,) For, (Showing the bottles.) What do you say to this, my old Pythagoras ? So7n. Lay the cloth directly. Forage. (Forage lays the cloth in the arhoiir,) Dr. Tr. (Aside.) U I might venture now— if I thought there was no chance of returning^ — Som. (Loudly.) What is it you say about ven- turing ? do you doubt my sincerity ? Dr. Tr. Not in the least, sir. Som. Give me your hand, sir, (He gives it ti- midly^ SoMERviLLK shukes it violently.) I'm your friend for ever, sir; you're an injured man, and IVe an appointment for you myself. Dr, Tr An appointment for me ! Som. Yes, from a rich old widow. Dr. Tr. (Aside.) A rich old widow ! I breathe again. Oh ! Til be jolly with them. For. It's all ready, sir- * Som. Take your seat. Doctor, I beg. Dr. Tr, With the greatest pleasure in life. (Goes to the table.) Gregory enters cautiously, and beckons. For. Here's Gregory, sir. Som. Take care of the Doctor. [Goes to Gregory. For. I'll take care of him, sir. — Now, Doctor, (puts a napkin under his chin.) Greg. (To Somerville.) Master's sent me to bring the Doctor back. Som. Tell your master he can't come; and barky e — (Takes Gregory apart.) Dr. Tr. Pray, Mr. Forage, don't give yourself «o much trouble. For. No trouble in the world. 44 Dr. Tr. But where's the Captain ? For. He's coming directly. Eyes left. Doctor, if you please, (turns his head.) Come, let's drink his health in his absence. Dr.Tr. With all my heart. For. We have no glasses. Doctor; a bumper- horn, if you please. (Fills horns.) Dr. Tr. I don't like horns, Mr. Forage; that antipathy has been the ruin of me. For. But to the Captain's health. Dr.Tr. Oh! to the Captain's health, certainly. For. Here's the Captain's good health. ^ Dr. Tr. Here's the Captain's good health. [They drink, Greg. (^Zb SoMERViLLE.) I understand, sir ; I'll bring him, never you fear. [Exit. Som. Thankye, gentlemen, I'll fill to you in return. Come, Doctor, what d'ye eat ? Help the poctor, sir. For. Yes, sir. You don't eat, Doctor. / [Stuffs him. Dr. Tr. Stop, stop ! (choaking) you'll choak me, Mr. Forage. Sonii Another glass to wash it down, Doctor. Dr. Tr. My dear Captain, I've just drank. Som, Drink again then, sir, to our future friend- ship. (Fills,) Dr. Tr, Well, here's to our future friendship. (Drinks.) Som. Down with it. Doctor (helps him). How do you like it ? Dr, Tr. (Betraying symptoms of intoxication ^ which gradually increase throughout the Scene.) Like it! it makes me quite gay and airy — quite frisky and comical. Ecod, I'll go and talk to the old gentleman. Som, No, you'mustn't 5 henceforth you shall live with us at the garrison. Remember your appoint- ment. Dr, Tr. Aye, now for my appointment. Som, Yes, from Mrs. Dandlectick, a rich old widow, as private tutor to Ensign Dandlectick ; come let's drink to the rich old widow. Dr, Tr. With all my heart — " To the rich old widow" (drinks). [Here Restive and Gregory steal from the avenue and listen, Marian tvatching be- hind. SoMERViLLE and Forage perceive them through the Arbour, and make signs of mutual intelligence— filing thezvine. For. A liberal salary. Doctor. Som. And a soldier's life! For, Good cheer ! Som, Women and wine! Dr. Tr. Say no more, say no more ; I'm your man — I'll blow up the old politician. Women and wine for ever; another glass, another horn — " To the army." Som. Bumpers. Dr. Tr, Bumpers, if you please. For. Bumpers, by all means. Alternately. " The army." Dr. Tr. Now I'm president, and I'll give you another toast — " Here's confusion to all crazy old politicians." Som, and For, Bravo ! (repeat the toast alter- nately). Dr, Tr, And now we'll go to the garrison ; come along, gentlemen, and let's dance all the way. Som. and For. Come along. Doctor (help him out of the Arbour). [They sing and dance about. Restive comes forward, joins them in imitation, and con- fronts the Doctor. 46 . Dr. Tr, Zounds ! here's the old politician. Rest. Ohi you ungrateful, drunken, old hypo- crite ( threatenijig ) . Dr. Tr. That for you ! — Mrs. Dandlectick for ever ! — I'm going to the garrison. Rest. You'll go to the devil, vou old villain, vou will. Mar. (Having advanced) Poor little Doctor ! Rest. What business have you here ? and you, you graceless — (to Somerville, ivho remonstrates with him). For. to Dr.Tr. Excuse our jocularity. Doctor ; but Mrs. Dandlectick is all a hoax. Dr. Tr. All a what ? For. All a joke ! Dr. Tr. All a joke ? For. Exactly. Dr. Tr. Then " -6^^^ et for tuna vatete^ Rest. Take the old wretch out of my sight, and never let me see his face again. For, Come, Doctor. Dr. Tr. Thus fell Cardinal Wolsey. [Exity led off by Forage ^wtZ Gregory. Mar. And pray, sir, who is to be my husband then ? You liave sent for me out of Scotland on purpose to be married, and therefore a husband you must find me. Rest. Really! — You're in a great hurry, per- haps ? Mar. Why, sir, you need not look far, Fm sure. Rest. Indeed ! I understand you, but I'm not bO easily managed; no, miss, your mother has told me of a generous young soldier that drew six months advance of his pay to release your cousin Andrew from prison — I find he's your admirer, and he's the man that shall succeed the Doctor. Mar, Then there he stands, sir; and I hope ready to abide by your determination. 47 Rest. What— -my profligate Ned? Mar, Your profligate Ned, sir; and what's more, he said if his dear uncle bad been there he shouldn't have been reduced to the necessity he was. Rest. Did he say that ? Maf, Why shou'dn't he, sir ? when I've so often heard him protest that he loved you dearly. Rest, And does he own to all this ? Som. Did I ever disown it, sir ? Rest, Then, damn it, you're an honest fellow; so come to my arms (embraces him), and now take her to your's. E?iter Forage, Peggy, a7id Gregory. For. Huzza ! I wish you joy sir ; for you have made two couple happy together. Greg. Now if Polly Smallfry was here, what a complete and genteel party we should be ! . '^ Rest. And now, sir fto Somerville), if you and your new relation have come to terms, I fancy I may as well restore you to your old quarters ; and henceforth, in my house, let independence keep her place, and hypocritical servility turn out. FINALE AND CHOKUS. Relations and friends Our quarrelling ends, And Candour her reign shall begin ; The rival turn'd out, We*ll revel and shout, While mirth and good humour turn in.. Whittingham and Rowland, I'rinters, Goswell Street, London, 'K". 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT. This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. 26Nov'57RK ; REC D 1^ HiJi 26 ^1 JUN 80 1975 1 General Library LD 21A-50m-8.'57 University of California (C8481sl0)476B Berkeley ^« Syracuse, N. y^ Sfockfon, Calif. ML50.K55.T8 1812 C037477636 iiHB DATE DUE Music Library University of California at Berkeley