iTTTrai i T. MAXWELL WITHAM, ESQ., HANDY ANDY: A TALE OF IRISH LIFE. SAMUEL LOVER, ESQ. AUTHOR OF KORY O'MORE," "THE GRIDIRON," " BARNY O'REIRDON," &c. &'c. jjHIustratious on RY THE AUTHOR LONDON : H. G. BOHN, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN. 1853. STREET HIL&. ADDRESS. I HAVE been accused, in certain quarters, of giving flattering portraits of my countrymen. Against this charge, I may plead that, being a portrait-painter by profession, the habit of taking the best view of my subject, so long prevalent in my eye, has gone deeper, and influenced my mind : and if to paint one's country in its gracious aspect has been a weakness, at least, to use the words of an illustrious compatriot, " the failing leans to virtue's side." I am disinclined, however, to believe myself an offender in this particular. That I love my country dearly, I acknowledge, and I am sure every Englishman will respect me the more for loving mine, when he is, with justice, so proud of his but I repeat my disbelief that I overrate my own. The present volume, I hope, will disarm any cavil from old quarters on the score of national prejudice. The hero is a blun- dering servant. No English or any other gentleman would like him in his service; but still he has some redeeming natural traits : he is not made either a brute or a villain, yet his " twelve months' character," given in the successive numbers of this volume, would not get him a place upon advertisement, either in " The Times" or " The Chronicle." So far am I clear of the charge of national prejudice as regards the hero of the fol- lowing pages. In the subordinate personages, the reader will see two " Squires" of a different type good and bad: there are such in all countries. And, as a tale cannot get on without villains, IV ADDRESS. I have given some touches of villainy, quite sufficient to prove my belief in Irish villains, though I do not wish it to be believed the Irish are all villains. I confess I have attempted a slight sketch, in one of the persons represented, of a gentleman and a patriot ; and I conceive there is a strong relationship between the two. He loves the land that bore him and so did most of the great spirits recorded in history. His own mental cultivation, while it yields him per- sonal enjoyment, teaches him not to treat with contumely inferior men. Though he has courage to protect his honour, he is not deficient in conscience to feel for the consequences ; and when opportunity offers the means of amende, it is embraced. In a word, I wish it to be believed that, while there are knaves, and fools, and villains in Ireland, as in other parts of the world, honest, intelligent, and noble spirits are there as well. I cannot conclude without offering my sincere thanks for the cordial manner in which my serial offering has been received by the public and noticed by the critical press, whose valuable columns have been so often opened to it in quotation ; and, when it is considered how large an amount of intellect is employed in this particular department of literature, the highest names might be proud of such recognition. SAMUEL LOVER. CHARLES STREET, BERNERS STREET, LONDON, December 1st, 1842. NOTICE. KIND READER, A FEW short papers, under the title of this little venture, appeared, at intervals, in Bentley's Miscellany. Frequent inquiries have been made " Why Handy Andy was not continued ?" and, indeed, I myself regretted the abandonment of what I thought a fruitful subject for fun and whimsicality, though, from various causes, needless to particularize here, the papers were discontinued ; still, from time to time, recurred the question, " why Handy Andy was not continued ?" and the frequency of the demand has produced the supply. Ancient custom declares " we should begin at the beginning," therefore, a short reprint is unavoidable in the first number ; but, while fairness to the public demands this acknowledgment, justice to myself requires me to state, that much revision and the introduction of fresh matter has taken place, with a view to the development of story and character necessary to a sustained work ; for the first paper of Handy Andy was written without any intention of con- tinuation, and required the amendments and additions I have men- tioned. The reprint cannot affect those who have not read the beginning of Andy's adventures ; and those who have, and wish to know more, will, it is hoped, skim over the first number to refresh their memories, and lead them well into the second. If, after all this explanation, there be any who object to the partial reprint, I answer, in the words of the well-known old saying, " Sure has'nt an Irishman lave to spake twice?" SAMUEL LOVER. HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER I. ANDY RODNEY was a fellow who had the most singularly ingenious knack of doing everything the wrong way ; disappointment waited on all affairs in which he bore a part, and destruction was at his fingers' ends : so the nickname the neighbours stuck upon him was Handy Andy, and the jeering jingle pleased them. Andy's entrance into this world was quite in character with his after achievements, for he was nearly the death of his mother. She survived, however, to have herself clawed almost to death while her darling babby was in arms, for he would not take his nourishment from the parent fount unless he had one of his little red fists twisted into his mother's hair, which he dragged till he made her roar ; while he diverted the pain by scratching her till the blood came, with the other. Nevertheless she swore he was " the loveliest and sweetest craythur the sun ever shined upon ;" and when he was able to run about and wield a little stick, and smash everything breakable belonging to her, she only praised his precocious powers, and used to ask, " Did ever any one see a darlin' of his age handle a stick so bowld as he did ?" Andy grew up in mischief and the admiration of his mammy ; but, to do him justice, he never meant harm in the course of his life, and was most anxious to offer his services on all occasions to those who would accept them ; but they were only the persons who had not already proved Andy's peculiar powers. There was a farmer hard by in this happy state of ignorance, named O en Doyle, or, as he was familiarly called, Owny na Coppal, or, " wen of the Horses," because he bred many of these animals, and sold them at the neighbouring fairs ; and Andy one day offered his services to Owny when he was in want of some one to drive up a horse to his house from a distant " bottom," as low grounds by a river side are always called in Ireland. " Oh, he's wild, Andy, and you'd never be able to ketch him," said Owny. " Throth, an' I'll engage I'll ketch him if you'll let me go. I never seen the horse I couldn't ketch, sir," said Andy. " Why, you little spridhogue, if he took to runnin' over the long bottom, it 'ud be more than a day's work for you to folly him." B 2 4 HANDY ANDY. " Oh, but he won't run/' 11 Why won't he run ?" " Bekaze I won't make him run." " How can you help it ? " " I'll soother him." " Well, you're a willin' brat, anyhow ; and so go. and God speed you! said Owny. " Just gi' me a wisp o' hay an' a han'ful iv oats," said Andy, " if I should have to coax him." " Sartinly," said Owny, who entered the stable and came forth with the articles required by Andy, and a halter for the horse also. " Now, take care," said Owny, " that you're able to ride that horse if you get on him." " Oh never fear, sir. I can ride owld Lanty Gubbins's mule betther nor any o' the other boys on the common, and he couldn't throw me th' other day, though he kicked the shoes av him." " After that you may ride anything," said Owny : and indeed it was true ; for Lanty's mule, which fed on the common, being ridden slily by all the young vagabonds in the neighbourhood, had become such an adept in the art of getting rid of his troublesome customers, that it might be well considered a feat to stick on him. " Now, take grate care of him, Andy, my boy," said the farmer. " Don't be afeard, sir," said Andy, who started on his errand in that peculiar pace which is elegantly called a " sweep's trot ;" and as the river lay between Owny Doyle's and the bottom, and was too deep for Andy to ford at that season, he went round by Dinny Dowling's mill, where a small wooden bridge crossed the stream. Here he thought he might as well secure the assistance of Paudeen, the miller's son, to help him in catching the horse ; so he looked about the place until he found him, and, telling him the errand on which he was going, said, " If you like to come wid me, we can both have a ride." This was temptation sufficient for Paudeen, and the boys proceeded together to the bottom, and they were not long in securing the horse. When they had got the halter over his head, " Now," said Andy, " give me a lift on him ;" and accordingly, by Paudeen's catching Andy's left foot in both his hands clasped together in the fashion of a stirrup, he hoisted his friend on the horse's back ; and, as soon as he was secure there, Master Paudeen, by the aid of Andy's hand, contrived to scramble up after him ; upon which Andy applied his heels to the horse's side with many vigorous kicks, and crying " hurrup ! " at the same time, endeavoured to stimulate Owny's steed into something of a pace as he turned his head towards the mill. " Sure aren't you going to crass the river?" said Paudeen. :< No, I'm going to lave you at home." " Oh, I'd rather go up to Owny's, and its the shortest way acrass the river." " Yes, but I don't like." " Is it afeard you are ?" said Paudeen. " Not I, indeed," said Andy; though it was really the fact, for the HANDY ANDY. 5 width of the stream startled him; " but Owny towld me to take grate care o' the baste, and I'm loth to wet his feet." " Go 'long wid you, you fool ! what harm would it do him ? Sure he's neither sugar nor salt, that he'd melt." " Well, I won't anyhow," said Andy, who by this time had got the horse into a good high trot, that shook every word of argument out of Paudeen's body ; besides, it was as much as the boys could do to keep their seats on Owny's Bucephalus, who was not long in reaching the miller's bridge. Here voice and halter were employed to pull him in, that he might cross the narrow wooden structure at a quiet pace. But whether his double load had given him the idea of double exertion, or that the pair of legs on each side sticking into his flanks, (and perhaps the horse was ticklish) made him go the faster, we know not ; but the horse charged the bridge as if an Enniskilliner were on his back, and an enemy before him ; and in two minutes his hoofs clattered like thunder on the bridge, that did not bend beneath him. No, it did not bend, but it broke ; proving the falsehood of the boast, " I may break, but I won't bend ;" for, after all, the really strong may bend, and be as strong as ever : it is the m^ound, that has only the seeming of strength, which breaks at last when it resists too long. Surprising was the spin the young equestrians took over the ears of the horse, enough to make all the artists of Astley's envious ; and plump they went into the river, where each formed his own ring, and executed some comical " scenes in the circle," which were suddenly changed to evolutions on the "fly ing cord" that Dinny Dowling threw the per- formers, which became suddenly converted into a " tight rope" as he dragged the voltigeurs out of the water ; and for fear their blood might be chilled by the accident, he gave them both an enormous thrashing with the dry end of the rope, just to restore circulation ; and his ex- ertions, had they been witnessed, would have charmed the Humane Society. As for the horse, his legs stuck through the bridge, as though he had been put in a chiroplast, and he went playing away on the water with considerable execution, as if he were accompanying himself in the song which he was squealing at the top of his voice. Half the saws, hatchets, ropes, and poles in the parish were put in requisition immediately ; and the horse's first lesson in chiroplastic exercise was performed with no other loss than some skin and a good deal of hair. Of course Andy did not venture on taking Owny's horse home ; so the miller sent him to his owner with an account of the accident. Andy for years kept out of Owny na Coppal's way ; and at any time that his presence was trouble- some, the inconvenienced party had only to say, " Isn't that Owny na Coppal coming this way ?" and Andy fled for his life. When Andy grew up to be what in country parlance is called " a brave lump of a boy," his mother thought he was old enough to do something for himself; so she took him one day along with her to the squire's, and waited outside the door, loitering up and down the yard behind the house, among a crowd of beggars and great lazy dogs that were thrusting their heads into every iron pot that stood outside the kitchen door, until chance might give her " a sight o" the squire afore 6 HANDY ANDY. he \vint out or afore he wint in ;" and, after spending her entire day in this idle way, at last the squire made his appearance, and Judy presented her son, who kept scraping his foot, and pulling his forelock, that stuck out like a piece of ragged thatch from his forehead, making his obeisance to the squire, while his mother was sounding his praises for being the " handiest craythur alive and so willin' nothin' comes wrong to him." " I suppose the English of all this is, you want me to take him ?" said the squire. " Throth, an' your honour, that's just it if your honour would be plazed." " What can he do ?" " Anything, your honour." " That means nothing, I suppose," said the squire. " Oh, no, sir. Everything, I mane, that you would desire him to do." To every one of these assurances on his mother's part, Andy made a bow and a scrape. " Can he take care of horses ?" " The best of care, sir," said the mother ; while the miller, who was standing behind the squire waiting for orders, made a grimace at Andy, who was obliged to cram his face into his hat to hide the laugh, which he could hardly smother from being heard, as well as seen. " Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and we'll see what he can do." " May the Lord " " That'll do there, now go." " Oh, sure, but I'll pray for you, and " " Will you go ?" " And may angels make you honour's bed this blessed night, I pray ?" " If you don't go, your son shan't come." Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right about in double-quick time, and hurried down the avenue. The next day Andy was duly installed into his office of stable-helper ; and, as he was a good rider, he was soon made whipper-in to the hounds, as there was a want of such a functionary in the establishment ; and Andy's boldness in this capacity made him soon a favourite with the squire, who was one of those rollicking boys on the pattern of the old school, who scorned the attentions of a regular valet, and let any one that chance threw in his way bring him his boots, or his hot water for shaving, or his coat, whenever it was brushed. One morning, Andy, who was very often the attendant on such occasions, came to his room with hot water. He tapped at the door. " Who's that ?" said the squire, who was but just risen, and did not know but it might be one of the women servants. " It's me, sir." Oh Andy ! Come in." " Here's the hot wather, sir," said Andy, bearing an enormous tin can. " Why, what the d 1 brings that tin can here ? You might as well bring the stable -bucket." HANDY AND1T. 7 " I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy, retreating. In two minutes more Andy came back, and, tapping at the door, put in his head cau- tiously, and said, " the maids in the kitchen, your honour, says there's not so much hot wather ready." " Did I not see it a moment since in your hands?" " Yes, sir ; but that's not nigh the full o' the stable-bucket." " Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot water directly." " Will the can do, sir ?" " Ay, anything, so you make haste." Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can. " Where'll I put it, sir ?" " Throw this out," said the squire, handing Andy a jug containing some cold water, meaning the jug to be replenished with the hot. Andy took the jug, and the window of the room being open, he very deliberately threw the jug out. The squire stared with wonder, and at last said, " What did you do that for?" " Sure you towld me to throw it out, sir." " Go out of this, you thick-headed villain !" said the squire, throwing his boots at Andy's head, along with some very neat curses. Andy re- treated, and thought himself a very ill-used person. Though Andy's regular business was " whipper-in," yet he was -liablp to be called on for the performance of various other duties : he sometimes attended at table when the number of guests required that all the subs should be put in requisition, or rode on some distant errand for " the mistress," or drove out the nurse and children on the jaunting- car ; and many were the mistakes, delays, or accidents arising from Handy Andy's interference in such matters ; but, as they were seldom serious, and generally laughable, they never cost him the loss of his place, or the squire's favour, who rather enjoyed Andy's blunders. The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries of the dining- room, great was his wonder. The butler took him in to give him some previous instructions, and Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of the assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth and eyes wide open, and scarcely heard a word that was said to him. After the head man had been dinning his instructions into him for some time, he said he might go, until his attendance was required. But Andy moved not ; he stood with his eyes fixed by a sort of fascination on some obj ct that seemed to rivet them with the same unaccountable influence whi h the rattle-snake exercises over its victim. " What are you looking at?" said the butler. " Them things, sir," said Andy, pointing to some silver forks. " Is it the forks ?" said the butler. " Oh no, sir ! I know what forks is very well ; but I never seen then things afore." ' What things do you mean ?" " These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the silver forks, and turning it round and round in his hand in utter astonishment, while the butler grinned at his ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior knowledge. 8 HANDY ANDY. " Well !" said Andy, after a long pause, " the divil be from me if ever I seen a silver spoon split that way before!" The butler laughed a horse-laugh, and made a standing joke of Andy's split spoon ; but time and experience made Andy less impressed with wonder at the show of plate and glass, and the split spoons became familiar as ' household words ' to him ; yet still there were things in the duties of table attendance beyond Andy's comprehension, he used to hand cold plates for fish, and hot plates for jelly, &c. But ' one day,' as Zanga says, 'one day' he was thrown off his centre in a re- markable degree by a bottle of soda-water. It was when that combustible was first introduced into Ireland as a dinner beverage that the occurrence took place, and Andy had the luck to be the person to whom a gentleman applied for some soda-water. " Sir?" said Andy. " Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in which people are apt to name their wants at a dinner-table. Andy went to the butler. " Mr. Morgan, there's a gintle- man " " Let me alone, will you ?" said Mr. Morgan. Andy manoeuvred round him a little longer, and again essayed to be heard. " Mr. Morgan!" " Don't you see I'm as busy as I can be ! Can't you do it yourself!" " I dunna what he wants." " Well, go and ax him," said Mr. Morgan. Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind the thirsty gentle- man's chair, with " I beg your pardon, sir." ' Well !" said the gentleman. ' I beg your pardon, sir ; but what's this you ax'd me for ?" ' Soda-water." ' What, sir ?" ' Soda-water : but, perhaps, you have not any." ' Oh, there's plenty in the house, sir ! Would you like it hot, sir !" The gentleman laughed, and, supposing the new fashion was not understood in the present company, said, " Never mind." But Andy was too anxious to please, to be so satisfied, and again applied to Mr. Morgan. " Sir !" said he. " Bad luck to you ! can't you let me alone ?" " There's a gintleman wants some soap and wather." " Some what ?" " Soap and wather, sir." " Divil sweep you ! Soda- wather, you mane. You'll get it under the sideboard." " Is it in the can, sir ?" " The curse o' Crum'll on you ! in the bottles." " Is this it, sir ?" said Andy, producing a bottle of ale. " No, bad cess to you! the little bottles." " Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir ?" HANDY ANDY. & " I wish you, wor in the bottom o' the say!' said Mr. Morgan, who was fuming and puffing, and rubbing down his face with a napkin, as he was hurrying to all quarters of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his activity, that he was " like bad luck, everywhere." " There they are!" said Morgan, at last. " Oh ! them bottles that won't stand," said Andy; " sure them's what I said, with no bottoms to them. How '11 1 open it ? it's tied down." " Cut the cord, you fool !" Andy did as he was desired ; and he happened at the time to hold the bottle of soda-water on a level with the candles that shed light over the festive board from a large silver branch, and the moment he made the incision, bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the lights with the projected cork, which, performing its parabola the length of the room, struck the squire himself in the eye at the foot of the table, while the hostess at the head had a cold-bath down her back. Andy, when he saw the soda-water jumping out of the bottle, held it from him at arm's length ; every fizz it made, exclaiming " Ow ! ow ! ow !' : and, at last, when the bottle was empty, he roared out, " Oh, Lord ! it's all gone !" Great was the commotion ; few could resist laughter except the ladies, who all looked at their gowns, not liking the mixture of satin and soda-water. The extinguished candles were relighted, the squire got his eye open again, and, the next time he perceived the butler sufficiently near to speak to him, he said in a low and hurried tone of deep anger, while he knit his brow, " Send that fellow out of the room !" but, within the same instant, resumed the former smile, that beamed on all around as if nothing had happened. Andy was expelled the sails a manger in disgrace, and for days kept out of his master's and mistress's way : in the mean time the butler made a good story of the thing in the servants' hall ; and, when he held up Andy's ignorance to ridicule, by telling how he asked for " soap and water," Andy was given the name of " Suds," and was called by no other for months after. But, though Andy's functions in the interior were suspended, his services in out-of-doors affairs were occasionally put in requisition. But here his evil genius still haunted him, and he put his foot in a piece of business his master sent him upon one day, which was so simple as to defy almost the chance of Andy making any mistake about it ; but Andy was very ingenious in his own particular line. " Ride into the town, and see if there's a letter for me," said the squire one day to our hero. " Yis, sir." " You know where to go ? " " To the town, sir." " But do you know where to go in the town ?" " No, sir." " And why don't you ask, you stupid thief?" " Sure I'd find out, sir." " Didn't I often tell you to ask what you're to do, when you don't know ?" 10 HANDY ANDY, " Yis, sir." " And why don't you." " I don't like to be throublesome, sir." " Confound you !" said the squire ; though he could not help laugh- ing at Andy's excuse for remaining in ignorance. '* Well," continued he, " go to the post-office. You know the post- otnce, I suppose '{" " Yis, sir, where they sell gunpowdher." " You're right for once," said the squire ; for his Majesty's postmaster was the person who had the privilege of dealing in the aforesaid com- bustible. " Go then to the post-office, and ask for a letter for me. Remember, not gunpowder, but a letter." " Yis, sir," said Andy, who got astride of his hack, and trotted away to the post-office. On arriving at the shop of the postmaster, (for that person carried on a brisk trade in groceries, gimlets, broad-cloth, and Unen-drapery,) Andy presented himself at the counter, and said, " I want a letther, sir, if you plaze." " Who do you want it for ?" said the postmaster, in a tone which Andy considered an aggression upon the sacredness of private life : so Andy thought the coolest contempt he could throw upon the prying imper- tinence of the postmaster was to repeat his question. " I want a letther, sir, if you plaze." " And who do you want it for ?" repeated the postmaster. " What's that to you ?" said Andy. The postmaster, laughing at his simplicity, told him he could not tell what letter to give him unless he told him the direction. " The directions I got was to get a letther here, that's the direc- tions." ' Who gave you those directions ?" ' The masther." ' And who's your master ?" ' What consarn is that o' yours ? " ' Why, you stupid rascal ! If yru don't tell me his name, how can I give you a letter ?" ' You could give it, if you liked ; but you're fond of axin" impidint questions, bekaze you think I'm simple." " Go along out o' this ! Your master must be as great a goose as yourself, to send such a messenger." " Bad luck to your impidince," said Andy ; " is it Squire Egan you dar to say goose to ?" " Oh, Squire Egan's your master, then ?" ' Yis ; have you anything to say agin it?" " Only that I never saw you before." ' Faith, then you'll never see me agin if I have my own consint." " I won't give you any letter for the squire, unless I know you're his servant. Is there any one in the town knows you ?" " Plenty," said Andy, " it's not every one is as ignorant as you." Just at this moment a person to whom Andy was known entered the house, who vouched to the postmaster that he might give Andy the squire's letter. " Have you one for me ?" HANDY ANDY. 11 " Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one, " fourpence." The gentleman paid the fourpence postage, and left the shop with his letter. " Here's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster, " you've ic nay me elevenpence postage." " What 'ud I pay elevenpence for?" " For postage." " To the divil wid you ! Didn't I see you give Mr. Durfy a kttlier for fourpence this minit, and a bigger letther than this ? and now you want me to pay elevenpence for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I'm a fool ?" " No ; but I'm sure of it," said the postmaster. " Well, you're welkim to be sure, sure ; but don't be delayin' me now here's fourpence for you, and gi' me the letther." " Go along, you stupid thief," said the postmaster, taking up the letter, and going to serve a customer with a mousetrap. While this person and many others were served, Andy lounged up and down the shop, every now and then putting in his head in the middle of the customers, and saying, "Will you gi' me the letther?" He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the anathemas of the postmaster, and at last left, when he found it impossible to get com- mon justice for his master, which he thought he deserved as well as another man ; for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no more than the fourpence. The squire in the mean time was getting impatient for his return, and when Andy made his appearance, asked if there was a letter for him. " There is, sir," said Andy. " Then give it to me." " I haven't it, sir." " What do you mean ?" " He wouldn't give it to me, sir," 11 Who wouldn't give it to you ?" " That owld chate beyant in the town, wanting to charge double for it." " Maybe it's a double letter. Why the devil didn't you pay what he asked, sir ?" " Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated ? It's not a double letther at all : not above half the size o' one Mr Durfy got before my face for fourpence." " You'll provoke me to break your neck some day, you vagabond ! Ride back for your life, you omadhaun ! and pay whatever he asks, and get me the letter." " W T hy, sir, I tell you he was sellin' them before my face for fourpenco a-piece." " Go back, you scoundrel ! or I'll horsewhip you ; and if you're longer than an hour, I'll have you ducked in the horsepond !" Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post-office. When he arrived, two other persons were getting letters, and the postmaster was selecting the epistles for each, from a large parcel that lay before 12 HANDY ANDY. him on the counter; at the same time many shop customers were wait- ing to be served. ' I'm come for that letther," said Andy. ' I'll attend to you by-and-by." ' The masther's in a hurry.' ' Let him wait till his hurry's over." ' He'll murther me if I'm not back soon." 1 I'm glad to hear it." While the postmaster went on with such provoking answers to these appeals for despatch, Andy's eye caught the heap of letters which lay on the counter ; so while certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going forward, he contrived to become possessed of two letters from the heap, and, having effected that, waited patiently enough till it was the great man's pleasure to give him the missive directed to his master. Then did Andy bestride his hack, and, in triumph at his trick on the postmaster, rattle along the road homeward as fast as the beast could carry him. He came into the . squire's presence, his face beaming with delight, and an air of self-satisfied superiority in his manner, quite unaccountable to his master, until he pulled forth his hand, which had been grubbing up his prizes from the bottom of his pocket ; and holding three letters over his head, while he said, "Look at that!" he next slapped them down under his broad fist on the table before the squire, saying, " Well! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by gor, I brought your honour the worth o' your money any how!" HANDY ANDY- 18 CHAPTER II. ANDY walked out of the room with an air of supreme triumph, having laid the letters on the table, and left the squire staring after him in per- fect amazement. " Well, by the powers ! that's the most extraordinary genius I ever came across," was the soliloquy the master uttered as the servant closed the door after him ; and the squire broke the seal of the letter that Andy's blundering had so long delayed. It was from his law-agent, on the subject of an expected election in the county which would occur in case of the demise of the then-sitting member ; it ran thus : " Dublin, Thursday. " My DEAR SQUIRE, I am making all possible exertions to have every and the earliest information on the subject of the election. I say the election, because, though the seat for the county is not yet vacant, it is impossible but that it must soon be so. Any other man than the present member must have died long ago ; but Sir Timothy Trimmer has been so undecided all his life that he cannot at present make up his mind to die ; and it is only by Death himself giving the casting vote that the question can be decided. The writ for the vacant county is expected to arrive by every mail, and in the meantime I am on the alert for information. You know we are sure of the barony of Bally- sloughgutthery, and the boys of Killanmaul will murder any one that dares to give a vote against you. We are sure of Knockdoughty also, and the very pigs in Glanamuck would return you ; but I must put you on your guard in one point where you least expected to be betrayed. You told me you were sure of Neck-or-nothing Hall ; but I can tell you you're out there ; for the master of the aforesaid is working heaven, earth, ocean, and all the little fishes, in the other interest ; for he is so over head and ears in debt, that he is looking out for a pension, and hopes to get one by giving his interest to the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, who sits for the borough of Old Gooseberry at present, but whose friends think his talents are worthy of a county. If Sack wins, Neck-or-nothing gets a pension, that's poz. I had it from the best authority. I lodge at a milliner's here : no matter ; more when I see you. But don't be afraid ; we'll bag Sack, and distance Neck-or-no- thing. But seriously speaking, it's too good a joke that O'Grady should use you in this manner, who have been so kind to him in money matters : but, as the old song says, ' Poverty parts good company ;' and he is so cursed poor that he can't afford to know you any longer, now that you have lent him all the money you had, and the pension in prospectu is too much for his feelings. I'll be down with you again as soon as I can, for I hate the diabolical town as I do poison. They have altered Stephen's Green ruined it, I should say. They have taken away the big ditch that was round it, where I used to hunt water-rats 14 HANDY ANDY. when a boy. They are destroying the place with their d d improve- ments. All the dogs are well, 1 hope, and my favourite bitch Remember me to Mrs. Egan, Whom all admire. My dear squire, Yours per quire, " To Edward Egan, Esq. Merryvale. MuRTOUGH MURPHY." Murtough Murphy was a great character, as may be guessed from his letter. He was a country attorney of good practice ; good, because he could not help it, for, he was a clever, ready-witted fellow, up to all sorts of trap, and one in whose hands a cause was very safe ; therefore he had plenty of clients without his seeking them. For, if Murtough's practice had depended on his looking for it, he might have made broth of his own parchment ; for, though to all intents and purposes a good attorney, he was so full of fun and fond of amusement, that it was only by dint of the business being thrust upon him he was so extensive a practitioner. He loved a good bottle, a good hunt, a good joke, and a good song, as well as any fellow in Ireland ; and even when he was obliged in the way of business to press a gentleman hard, to hunt his man to the death, he did it so good-humouredly that his very victim could not be angry with him. As for those he served, he was their prime favourite ; there was nothing they could want to be done in the parchment line that Murtough would not find out some way of doing ; and he was so pleasant a fellow, that he shared in the hospitality of all the best tables in the county. He kept good horses, was on every race- ground within twenty miles, and a steeple-chase was no steeple-chase without him. Then he betted freely, and, what's more, won his bets very generally ; but no one found fault with him for that, and he took your money with such a good grace, and mostly gave you a bon-mot in exchange for it, so that, next to winning the money yourself, you were glad it was won by Murtough Murphy. The squire read his letter two or three times, and made his comments as he proceeded. " ' Working heaven and earth to,' ha So, that's the work O'Grady's at that's old friendship, foul foul ; and after all the money I lent him too; he'd better take care I'll be down on him if he plays false ; not that I'd like that much either : but Let's see who's this is coming down to oppose me ? Sack Scatterbrain the biggest fool from this to himself; the fellow can't ride a bit, a pretty member for a sporting county ! ' I lodge at a milliner's' divil doubt you, Murtough ; I'll engage you do. Bad luck to him ! he'd rather be fooling away his time in a back- parlour, behind a bonnet-shop, than minding the interests of the county. ' Pension ' ha ! wants it, sure enough; take care, O'Grady, or by the powers I'll be at you. You may baulk all the bailiffs, and/lefy any other man to serve you with a writ ; but, by jingo ! if I take the matter in hand, I'll be bound I'll get it done. 'Stephen's Green big ditch where I used to hunt water-rats.' Divil sweep you, Murphy, you'd rather be hunting water- rats any day than minding your business. He's a clever fellow, for all :hat. 'Favourite bitch Mrs. Egan.' Ay! there's the end of it with his bit o' po'thry too ! The divil !" HANDY ANDY t/i The squire threw down the letter, and then his eye caught the other two that Andy had purloined. " More of that stupid blackguard's work ! robbing the mail no less ! that fellow will be hanged some time or other. ' Egad, maybe they'll hang him for this ! What's best to be done ? Maybe it will be the safest way to see who they are for, and send them to the parties, and request they will say nothing : that's it." The squire here took up the letters that lay before him, to read their superscriptions ; and the first he turned over was directed to Gustavus Granby O'Grady, Esq. Neck-or-Nothing Hall, Knockbotherum. This was what is called a curious coincidence. Just as he had been reading all about O'Grady's intended treachery to him, here was a letter to that individual, and with the Dublin post-mark too, and a very grand seal. The squire examined the arms, and, though not versed in the mys- teries of heraldry, he thought he remembered enough of most of the arms he had seen to say that this armorial bearing was a strange one to him. He turned the letter over and over again, and looked at it, back and front, with an expression in his face that said, as plain as counten- ance could speak, " I'd give a trifle to know what is inside of this." He looked at the seal again : " Here's a goose, I think it is, sitting in a bowl, with cross-bars on it, and a spoon in its mouth ; like the fellow that owns it, maybe. A goose with a silver spoon in his mouth ! Well, here's the gable-end of a house, and a bird sitting on the top of it. Could it be Sparrow ? There's a fellow called Sparrow, an under- secretary at the Castle. D n it ! I wish I knew what it's about." The squire threw down the letter as he said, " D n it," but took it up again in a few seconds, and catching it edgewise between his fore- finger and thumb, gave a gentle pressure that made the letter gape at its extremities, and then, exercising that sidelong glance which is peculiar to postmasters, waiting-maids, and magpies who inspect marrow- bones, peeped into the interior of the epistle, saying to himself as he did so, " All's fair in war, and why not in electioneering ?" His face, which was screwed up to the scrutinizing pucker, gradually lengthened as he caught some words that were on the last turn over of the sheet, and so could be read thoroughly, and his brow darkened into the deepest frown as he scanned these lines : "As you very properly and pungently re- mark, poor Egan is a spoon a mere spoon." " Am I a spoon, you rascal ?" said the squire, tearing the letter into pieces, and throwing it into the fire. " And so, Misther O'Grady, you say I'm a spoon !" and the blood of the Egans rose as the head of that pugnacious family strode up and down the room : " I'll spoon you, my buck, I'll settle your hash ! maybe I'm a spoon you'll sup sorrow with yet !" Here he took up the poker, and made a very angry lunge at the fire, that did not want stirring, and there he beheld the letter blazing merrily away. He dropped the poker as if he had caught it by the hot end, as he exclaimed, " What the d 1 shall I do ? I've burnt the letter !" This threw the squire into a fit of what he was wont to call his '* considering cap ;" and he sat with his feet on the fender for some minutes, occasion- ally muttering to himself what he began with, " What the d 1 shall I do ? It's all owing to that infernal Andy I'll murder that fellow some 16 HANDY ANDY. time or other. If he hadn't brought it, I shouldn't have seen it to be sure, if I hadn't looked ; but then the temptation a saint couldn't have withstood it. Confound it ! what a stupid trick to burn it. Another here, too must burn that as well, and say nothing about either of them ;" and he took up the second letter, and, merely looking at the address, threw it into the fire. He then rang the bell, and desired Andy to be sent to him. As soon as that ingenious individual made his appearance, the squire desired him with peculiar emphasis to shut the door, and then opened upon him with, " You unfortunate rascal !" " Yis, your honour." " Do you know that you might be hanged for what you did to-day ?" " What did I do, sir ?" ' You robbed the post-office." How did I rob it, sir ?" 1 You took two letters you had no right to." ' It's no robbery for a man to get the worth of his money." ' Will you hold your tongue, you stupid villain ! I'm not joking : yov absolutely might be hanged for robbing the post-office." " Sure I didn't know there was any harm in what I done ; and for that matther, sure, if they're sitch wondherful value, can't I go back again wid'em ?" " No, you thief. I hope you have not said a word to any one about it." " Not the sign of a word passed my lips about it." " You're sure?" " Sartin." " Take care, then, that you never open your mouth to mortal about it, or you'll be hanged, as sure as your name is Andy Rooney." " Oh, at that rate I never will. But maybe your honour thinks I ought to be hanged ? " " No, because you did not intend to do a wrong thing : but, only I have pity on you, I could hang you to-morrow for what you've done." " Thank you, sir." " I've burnt the letters, so no one can know anything about the business unless you tell on yourself: so remember, not a word." " Faith, I'll be as dumb as the dumb baste." " Go, now ; and, once for all, remember you'll be hanged so sure as you ever mention one word about this affair." Andy made a bow and a scrape, and left the squire, who hoped the secret was safe. He then took a ruminating walk round the pleasure grounds, revolving plans of retaliation upon his false friend O'Grady ; and having determined to put the most severe and sudden measure of the law in force against him for the monies in which he was indebted to him, he only awaited the arrival of Murtough Murphy from Dublin to execute his vengeance. Having settled this in his own mind, he became more contented, and said, with a self-satisfied nod of the head, " We'll see who's the spoon." In a few days Murtough Murphy returned from Dublin, and to Merryvale he immediately proceeded. The squire opened to him directly his intention of commencing hostile law proceedings against HANDY ANDY. 17 O'Grady, and asked what most summary measures could be put in practice against him. " Oh ! various, various, my dear squire," said Murphy ; "but I don't see any great use in doing so yet, he has not openly avowed himself." " But does he not intend to coalesce with the other party ?" " I believe so, that is, if he's to get the pension." " Well, and that's as good as done, you know ; for if they want him, the pension is easily managed." " I'm not so sure of that." " Why, they're as plenty as blackberries." " Very true ; but, you see, Lord Gobblestown swallows all the pen- sions for his own family ; and there are a great many complaints in the market against him for plucking that blackberry-bush very bare indeed ; and unless Sack Scatterbrain has swingeing interest, the pension may not be such an easy thing." " But still O'Grady has shown himself not my friend." " My dear squire, don't be so hot : he has not shown himself yet-" " Well, but he means it." " My dear squire, you oughn't to jump a conclusion like a twelve- foot drain or a five-bar gate." " Well, he's a blackguard." " No denying it ; and therefore keep him on your side, if you can, or he'll be a troublesome customer on the other." " I'll keep no terms with him ; I'll slap at him directly. What can you do that's wickedest ? latitat, capias fee-faw-fum, or whatever you call it ?" " Hollo ! squire, you're overrunning your game : may be, after all, he won't join the Scatterbrains, and " "I tell you it's no matter; he intended doing it, and that's all the same. I'll slap at him, I'll blister him !" Murtough Murphy wondered at this blind fury of the squire, who, being a good-humoured and good-natured fellow in general, puzzled the attorney the more by his present manifest malignity against O'Grady. But he had not seen the turn-over of the letter ; he had not seen " spoon," the real and secret cause of the " war to the knife" spirit which was kindled in the squire's breast. " Of course you can do what you please ; but, if you'd take a friend's advice " . " I tell you I'll blister him." " He certainly bled you very freely." " I'll blister him, I tell you, and that smart. Lose no time, Murphy, my boy : let loose the dogs of law on him, and harass him till he'd wish the d 1 had him." " Just as you like ; but " " I'll have it my own way, I tell you ; so say no more." " I'll commence against him at once, then, as you wish it ; but it's no use, for you know very well that it will be impossible to serve him." "Let me alone for that! I'll be bound I'll find fellows to get the inside of him." 18 HANDY AND*. "Why, his house is barricaded like a jail, and he has dogs enough to bait all the bulls in the country." " No matter ; just send me the blister for him, and I'll engage I'll stick it on him." " Very well, squire ; you shall have the blister as soon as it can be got ready. I'll tell you whenever you may send over to me for it, and your messenger shall have :'*. hot and warm for him. Good-b'ye, squire !" "Good-b'ye, Murphy ! lose no time." " In the twinkling of a bed-post. Are you going to Tom Durfy's steeple-chase ?" " I'm not sure." " I've a bet on it. Did you see the Widow Flanagan lately ? You didn't ? They say Tom's pushing it strong there. The widow has money, you know, and Tom does it all for the love o' God ; for you know, squire, there are two things God hates, a coward and a poor man. Now, Tom's no coward ; and, that he may be sure of the Jove o' God on the other score, he's making up to the widow ; and, as he's a slashing fellow, she's nothing loth, and, for fear of any one cutting him out, Tom keeps as sharp a look-out after her as she does after him. He's fierce on it, and looks pistols at any one that attempts putting his comether on the widow, while she looks " as soon as you plaze," as plain as an optical lecture can enlighten the heart of man : in short, Tom's all ram's horns, and the widow all sheep's eyes. Good-b'ye, squire !" And Murtough put spurs to his horse and can- tered down the avenue, whistling the last popular tune. Andy was sent over to Murtough Murphy's for the law process at the appointed time ; and, as he had to pass through the village, Mrs. Egan desired him to call at the apothecan 's for some medicine that was prescribed for one of the children. " What'll I ax for, ma'am ?" " I'd be sorry to trust to you, Andy, for remembering. Here's the prescription ; take great care of it, and Mr. M'Garry will give you something to bring back ; and mind, if it's a powder, " " Is it gunpowdher, ma'am ?" " No you stupid will you listen I say, if it's a powder, don't let it get wet, as you did the sugar the other day." " No ma'am." " And if it's a bottle, don't break it as you did the last." " No, ma'am." " And make haste." " Yis, ma'am :" and off went Andy. In going through the village he forgot to leave the prescription at the apothecary's, and pushed on for the attorney's : there he saw Mur- tough Murphy, who handed him the law process, enclosed in a cover, with a note to the squire. " Have you been doing anything very clever lately, Andy ?" said Murtough. " I don't know, sir," said Andy. " Did you shoot any one with soda-water since I saw you last ?" HANDY ANDY. 19 Andy grinned. " Did you kill any more dogs lately, Andy ?" " Faix, you're too hard on me, sir : sure T never killed but one dog, and that was an accident " "An accident! Curse your impudence, you thief! Do you think, if you killed one of the pack on purpose, we wouldn't cut the very heart out o' you with our hunting-whips ?" " Faith, I wouldn't doubt you, sir : but, sure, how could I help that -livil of a mare runnin' away wid me, and thramplin' the dogs ?" "Why didn't you hold her, you thief?" " Hould her, indeed ! you just might as well expect to stop fire among flax as that one." "Well, be off with you now, Andy, and take care of what I gave you for the squire." " Oh, never fear, sir," said Andy, as he turned his horse's head home- ward. He stopped at the apothecary's in the village, to execute his commission for the " misthis." On telling the son of Galen that he wanted some physic " for one o' the childre up at the big house," the dispenser of the healing art asked what physic he wanted. " Faith, I dunna what physic." " What's the matter with the child ?" " He's sick, sir." " I suppose so, indeed, or you wouldn't be sent for medicine. You're always making some blunder. You come here, and don't know what description of medicine is wanted." " Don't 1 ?" said Andy with a great air. " No, you don't, you omadhaun !" said the apothecary. Andy fumbled in his pockets, and could not lay hold of the paper his mistress entrusted him with until he had emptied them thoroughly of their contents upon the counter of the shop ; and then taking the prescription from the collection, he said, " So you tell me I don't know the description of the physic I'm to get. Now, you see you're out ; for that's the description." And he slapped the counter impres- sively with his hand as he threw down the recipe before the apothecary. While the medicine was in the course of preparation for Andy, he commenced restoring to his pockets the various parcels he had taken from them in hunting for the recipe. Now, it happened that he had laid them down close beside some articles that were compounded, and sealed up for going out, on the apothecary's counter ; and as the law- process which Andy had received from Murtough Murphy chanced to resemble in form another enclosure that lay beside it, containing a blis- ter, Andy, under the influence of his peculiar genius, popped the blister into his pocket instead of the packet which had been confided to him by the attorney, and having obtained the necessary medicine from M 'Garry, rode home with great self-complacency that he had not forgot to do a single thing that had been entrusted to him. " I'm all right this time," said Andy to himself. Scarcely had he left the apothecary's shop when another messen- ger alighted at its door, and asked " If Squire O'Grady's things tr we came out to have a duel, and, in the end, it turned out a hunt." " I'm glad you were not in at my death, however," said Murphy, who seemed particularly happy at not being killed. " You lost no time in firing, Murtough," said one of his friends. "And small blame to me, Billy," answered Murphy; " Egan is a capital shot, and how did I know but he might take it into his head to shoot me ? for he's very hot, when roused, though as good-natured a fellow, in the main, as ever broke bread ; and yet I don't think, after all, he'd have liked to do me much mischief either ; but you see he couldn't stand the joke he thought I played him." " Will you tell us what it was ?" cried another of the party, pressing forward, "for we can't make it out exactly, though we've heard some- thing of it : wasn't it leeches you sent to him, telling him he was a blood-sucking villain?" A roar of laughter from Murtough followed this question. " Lord, how a story gets mangled and twisted," said he, as soon as he could speak. " Leeches ! what an absurdity ! no it was '' "A bottle of castor oil, wasn't it, by way of a present of noyau?" said another of the party, hurrying to the front to put forward his version of the matter. A second shout of laughter from Murphy greeted this third edition of the story. " If you will listen to me, I'll give you the genuine version," said Murtough, " which is better, I promise you, than any which invention could supply. The fact is, Squire Egan is engaged against O'Grady, and applied to me to harass him in the parchment fine, swearing he would blister him ; and this phrase of blistering occurred so often, that when I sent him over a bit o' parchment, which he engaged to have served on my bold O'Grady, I wrote to him, " Dear Squire, I send you the blister;" and that most ingenious of all blunderers, Handy Andy, being the bearer, and calling at M'Garry's {hop on his way home, picked up from the counter a real blister, which HANDY ANDY. 35 was folded up in an enclosure, something like the process, and left the law-stinger behind him. " That's grate," cried Doyle. " Oh, but you have not heard the best of it yet," added Murphy. " I am certain the bit of parchment was sent to O'Grady, for he was hunting M'Garry this morning through the town, with a cudgel of por- tentous dimension put that and that together." " No mistake !" cried Doyle; "and divil pity O'Grady, for he's a blustering, swaggering, overbearing, ill-tempered " " Hillo, hillo, Bill," interrupted Murphy, " you are too hard on the adjectives ; besides, you'll spoil your appetite if you ruffle your temper ; and that would fret me, for I intend you to dine with me to-day." " Faith an' I'll do that same, Murtough, my boy, and glad to be asked, as the old maid said." " I'll tell you all what it is," said Murphy. " Boys, you must all dine with me to-day, and drink long life to me since I'm not killed." " There are seventeen of us," said Durfy ; "the little parlour won't hold us all." " But isn't there a big room at the inn, Tom ? " returned Murphy, " and not better drink in Ireland than Mrs. Fay's. What do you say, lads, one and all will you dine with me ?" "Will a duck swim?" chuckled out Jack Horan, an oily veteran, who seldom opened his mouth but to put something into it, and spared his words, as if they were of value ; and to make them appear so, he spoke in apophthegms. " What say you, James Reddy ?" said Murtough. " Ready, sure enough, and willing too !" answered James, who was a small wit, and made the aforesaid play upon his name, at least three hundred and sixty-five times every year. " Oh, we'll all come," was uttered right and left. " Good men and true ! " shouted Murphy ; " won't we make the rafters shake, and turn the cellar inside out ! whoo ! I'm in great heart to-day. But who is this powdhering up the road ? by the powers, 'tis the doctor, I think ; 'tis I know his bandy hat over the cloud of dust." The individual, thus designated as the doctor, now emerged from the obscurity in which he had been enveloped, and was received with a loud shout by the whole cavalcade as he approached them. Both parties drew rein ; and the doctor, lifting from his head the aforesaid bandy hat, which was slouched over one eye, with a sinister droop, made a low obeisance to Murphy, and said with a mock solemnity, " Your servant, sir and so you're not killed ? " " No," said Murphy; " and you've lost a job, which I see you came to look for ; but you're not to have the carving of me jet." " Considering it's so near Michaelmas, I think you've had a great escape, signor," returned the doctor. " Sure enough," said Murphy, laughing ; " but you're late, this time ; so you must turn back, and content yourself with carving something more innocent than an attorney, to-day though at an attorney's cost. You must dine with me." " Willingly, signor," said the doctor ; " but pray don't make use of D 2 36 HANDY ANDY. the word ' cost.' I hate to hear it out of an attorney's mouth or bill, I should say." A laugh followed the doctor's pleasantry, but no smile appeared upon his countenance ; for though uttering quaint, and often very good, but oftener very bitter things, he never moved a muscle of his face, while others were shaking their sides at his sallies. He was, in more ways than one, a remarkable man. A massive head, large and rather pro- truding eyes, lank hair, slouching ears, a short neck and broad shoulders, rather inclined to stooping ; a long body, and short legs slightly bowed, constituted his outward man ; and a lemon-coloured complexion, which a residence of some years in the East Indies had produced, did not tend to increase his beauty. His mind displayed a superior intelligence, original views, contempt of received opinions, with a power of satire and ridicule, which rendered him a pleasing friend or a dangerous enemy, as the case might be ; though, to say the truth, friend and foe were treated with nearly equal severity, if a joke or a sarcasm tempted the assault. His own profession hated him ; for he unsparingly ridiculed all stale practice, which his conviction led him to believe was inefficient, and he daringly introduced fresh, to the no small indignation of the more cut and dry portion of the faculty, for whose hate he returned contempt, of which he made no secret. From an extreme coarseness of manner, even those who believed in his skill were afraid to trust to his humour ; and the dislike of his brother practitioners to meet him, superadded to this, damaged his interest considerably, and prevented his being called in until extremed anger frightened patients, or their friends, into sending for Doctor Growling. His carelessness in dress, too, in- spired disgust in the fair portion of the creation ; and " snuffy," and " dirty," and " savage," and " brute," were among the sweet words they applied to him. Nevertheless, those who loved a joke more than they feared a hit, would run the risk of an occasional thrust of the doctor's stiletto, for the sake of enjoying the mangling he gave other people ; and such rollicking fellows as Murphy, and Durfy, and Dawson, and Squire Egan, petted this social hedgehog. The doctor now turned his horse's head, and joined the cavalcade to the town. " I have blown my Rozinante," said he, " I was in such a hurry to see the fun. " Yes," said Murphy, " he smokes." "And his master takes snuff," said the doctor, suiting the action to the word. " I suppose, signor, you were thinking a little while ago that the squire might serve an ejectment on your vitality ?" " Or that in the trial between us I might get damages," said Murphy. " There is a difference, in such case," said the doctor, " between a court of law, and the court of honour ; for, in the former, the man is plaintiff, before he gets his damages, while in the latter, it is after he gets his damages that he complains." " I'm glad my term is not ended, however," said Murphy. " If it had been," said the doctor, " I think you'd have had a long vacation in limbo." HANDY ANDY. 37 " And suppose I had been hit," said Murphy, "you would have been late on the ground. You're a pretty friend !" " It's my luck, sir," said the doctor. " I'm always late for a job. By the bye, I'll tell you an amusing fact of that musty piece of humanity, Miss Jinkins. Her niece was dangerously ill, and she had that licensed slaughterer from Killanmaul, trying to tinker her up, till the poor girl was past all hope, and then she sends for me. She swore, some time ago, I should never darken her doors, but when she began to apprehend that death was rather a darker gentleman than me, she tolerated my person. The old crocodile met me in the hall ; by the bye, did you ever remark she's like a crocodile only not with so pleasing an expression ? and wringing her hands, she cried, ' Oh, doctor, I'll be bound to you for ever ;' I hope not, thought I to myself, ' Save my Jemima, doctor, and there's nothing I won't do to prove my gratitude.' ' Is she long ill, ma'am ?' said I. ( A fortnight, doctor.' ' I wish I had been called in sooner, ma'am,' says I, for, 'pon my conscience, Murphy, it is too ridiculous the way people go on about me. I verily believe they think I can raise people out of their graves ; and they call me in to repair the damages disease and the doctors have been making ; and while the gentlemen in black silk stockings, with gold-headed canes, have been fobbing fees for three weeks, perhaps, they call in poor Jack Growling, who scorns jack-a-dandyism, and he gets a solitary guinea for mending the bungling that cost something to the tune of twenty or thirty, perhaps. And when I have plucked them from the jaws of death, regularly cheated the sexton out of them, the best word they have for me is to call me a pig, or abuse my boots ; or wonder the doctor is not more particular about his linen the fools ! But to return to my gentle crocodile. I was shown up stairs to the sick room, and there, sir, I saw the unfortunate girl, speechless, at the last gasp, absolutely. The Killanmaul dandy had left her to die absolutely given her up ; and then, indeed, I'm sent for ! Well, I was in a rage, and was rushing out of the house, when the crocodile waylaid me in the hall. ' Oh, doctor, won't you do something for my Jemima ?' ' I can't, ma'am,' says I ; ' but Mister Fogarty can.' ' Mister Fogarty !' says she. 'Yes, ma'am,' says I. ' You have mistaken my profession, Miss Jinkins I'm a doctor, ma'am ; but I suppose you took me for the undertaker.'" " Well, you hit her hard, doctor," said Murphy. " Sir, you might as well hit a rhinoceros," returned the doctor. " When shall we dine ?" asked Jack Koran. " As soon as Mrs. Fay can let us have the eatables," answered Murphy ; " and, by the bye, Jack, I leave the ordering of the dinner to you ; for no man understands better how to do that same ; besides, 1 want to leave my horse in my own stable, and I'll be up at the inn, after you, in a brace of shakes." The troop now approached the town. Those who lived there rode to their own stables, and returned to the party at Mrs. Fay's ; while they who resided at a distance dismounted at the door of the inn, which soon became a scene of bustle in all its departments, from this large influx of guests and the preparation for the dinner, exceeding in scale what Mrs. Fay was generally called upon to provide, except when the 38 HANDY ANDY. assizes, or races, or other such cause of commotion, demanded all the resources of her establishment, and more, if she had them. So the Dinnys, and the Tims, and the Mickeys, were rubbing down horses, cleaning knives, or drawing forth extra tables from their dusty repose ; and the Biddys, and Judys, and Nellys, were washing up plates, scouring pans, and brightening up extra candlesticks, or doing deeds of doom in the poultry yard, where an audible commotion gave token of the pre- mature deaths of sundry supernumerary chickens. Murphy soon joined his guests, grinning from ear to ear, and rubbing his hands as he entered. " Great news, boys," said he, " who do you think was at my house when I got home, but M 'Garry, with his head bandaged up, and his whole body, as he declares, bearing black and blue testimony to the merciless attack of the bold O'Grady, against whom he swears he'll bring an action for assault and battery. Now, boys, I thought it would be great fun to have him here to dinner, it's as good as a play to hear him describe the thrashing, so I asked him to come. He said he was not in a fit state to dine out, but I egged him on, by saying that a sight of him in his present plight would excite sympathy for him, and stir up public feeling against O'Grady, and that all would tell in the action, as most likely some of the present company might be on the jury, and would be the better able to judge how far he was entitled to damages, from witnessing the severity of the injury he had received. So he's coming ; and mind, you must all be deeply affected at his suf- ferings, and impressed with the powerful description he gives of the same." " Very scientific, of course," said old Growling. " Extensively so," returned Murphy; " he laid on the Latin, heavy." " Yes the fool," growled the doctor ; " he can't help sporting it, even on me ; I went into his shop one day, and asked for some opium wine ; and he could not resist calling it vinum opii as he handed it to me." " We'll make him a martyr !" cried Durfy. " We'll make him dhrunk," said Jack Horan, " and that will be better he brags that he never was what he calls ' inebriated' in his life ; and it will be great fun to send him home on a door, with a note to his wife, who is proud of his propriety." As they spoke, M'Garry entered, his head freshly bound up, to look as genteel as possible amongst the gentlemen with whom he was to have the honour of dining. His wife had suggested a pink ribbon, but M'Garry, while he acknowledged his wife's superior taste, said black would look more professional. The odd fellows, to whom he had now committed himself, crowded round him, and in the most exaggerated phrases, implied the high sense they entertained of his wrongs, and O'Grady's aggression. " Unprovoked attack!" cried one. " Savage ruffian !" ejaculated another. " What atrocity!" said a third. " What dignified composure !" added a fourth, in an audible whisper meant for M* Garry's ear. HANDY ANDY. 39 " Gentlemen !" said the apothecary, flurried at the extreme attention of which he became the object, " I beg to assure you I am deeply that is this proof of of of of symptoms gentlemen I mean sympathy, gentlemen in short, I really " " The fact is," said Growling, " I see Mr. M'Garrv is rather shaken in nerve whether from loss of blood, or " " I have lost a quantity of blood, doctor," said M'Garry ; " much vascular, to say nothing of extravasated." " Whie'i I'll state in my case," said Murphy " Murphy, don't interrupt," said Growling ; who, with a very grave face, recommenced, " Gentlemen, from the cause already stated, I see Mr. M'Garry is not prepared to answer the out-pouring of feeling with which you have greeted him, and if I might be permitted " Every one shouted, " Certainly certainly." " Then, as I am permitted, I will venture to respond for Mr. M'Garry, and address you, as he would address you. In the words of Mister M'Garry, I would say, Gentlemen unaccustomed as I am " Some smothered laughter followed this beginning upon which the doctor, with a mock gravity proceeded " Gentlemen, this interruption I conceive to be an infringement on the liberty of the subject. I recommence, therefore, in the words of my honourable and wounded friend, and our honourable and wounded feelings, and say as my friend would say, or, to speak classically, M'Garry loquitur " The apothecary bowed his head to the bit of Latin, and the doctor continued. " Gentlemen unaccustomed as I am to public thrashing, you can conceive what my feelings are at the present moment, in mind and body. [Bravo.] You behold an outrage [much confusion] ; shall an exag- gerated savagery like this escape punishment, and ' the calm sequestered vale' (as the poet calls it) of private life, be ravaged with impunity? [Bravo! bravo!] Are the learned professions to be trampled under- foot by barbarian ignorance and brutality ? No ; I read in the indig- nant looks of my auditory their high-souled answers. Gentlemen, your sympathy is better than dyachylon to my wounds, and this is the proudest day of my life." Thunders of applause followed the doctor's address, and every one shook M'Garry's hand, till his bruised bones ached again. Questions poured upon him from all sides as to the nature and quantity of his drubbing to all which M'Garry innocently answered in terms of ex* aggeration, spiced with scientific phrases. Muscles, tendons, bones, and sinews, were particularized with the precision of an anatomical demon- stration ; he swore he was pulverized, and paralyzed, and all the other lies he could think of." " A large stick, you say ?" said Murphy. " Sir ! I never saw such a stick 'twas like a weaver's beam." " I'll make a note of that," said Murphy, " a weaver's beam 'twill tell well with a jury." " And beat you all over ?" said Durfy. " From shoulder to flank, sir, I am one mass of welts and weals ; the 40 HANDY ANDY. abrasures are extensive, the bruises terrific, particularly in the lumbar region." " Where's that ?" asked Jack Horan. " The lumbar region is what is commonly called the loins, sir." " Not always," said the doctor. " It varies in different subjects : I have known some people whose lumber region lay in the head." " You laugh, gentlemen," said M'Garry, with a mournful smile, " but you know the doctor he will be jocular." He then continued to describe the various other regions of his injuries, amidst the well-acted pity and indignation of the queer fellows who drew him out, until they were saturated, so far, with the fun of the subject. After which, Murphy, whose restless temperament could never let him be quiet for a moment, suggested that they should divert themselves before dinner with a badger fight. " Isn't one fight a day enough for you, signer ?" said the doctor. " It is not every day we get a badger, you know," said Murphy ; "and 1 heard just now from Tim th waiter that there is a horse dealer lately arrived at the stables here, who has a famous one with him, and I know Reilly the butcher has two or three capital dogs, and there's a wicked mastiff below stairs, and I'll send for my l buffer,' and we'll have some spanking sport." He led his guests then to the inn yard, and the horse dealer, for a consideration, allowed his badger to wage battle ; the noise of the affair spread through the town, while they were making their arrangements, and sending right and left for dogs for the contest ; and a pretty consi- derable crowd soon assembled at the place of action, where the hour before dinner was spent in the intellectual amusement of a badger- fight. HAND? ANDY. 41 CHAPTER V THE fierce yells of the badger fight, ringing far and wide, soon attracted a crowd, which continued to increase every minute by instal- ments of men and boys, who might be seen running across a small field by the road side, close to the scene of action, which lay at the back of the inn ; and heavy-caped and skirted frieze coats streamed behind the full grown, while the rags of the gossoons* fluttered in the race. Attracted by this evidence of " something going on," a horseman who was approaching the town, urged his horse to speed, and turning his head towards a yawning double ditch that divided the road from the field, he gracefully rode the noble animal over the spanking leap. The rider was Edward O'Connor; and he was worthy of his name the pure blood of that royal race was in his heart, which never har- boured a sentiment that could do it dishonour, and overflowed with feelings which ennoble human nature, and make us proud of our kind. He was young and handsome ; and as he sat his mettled horse, no lady could deny that Edward O'Connor was the very type of the gallant cavalier. Though attached to every manly sport and exercise, his mind was of a refined order ; and a youth passed amidst books and some of the loveliest scenery of Ireland had nurtured the poetic feeling with which his mind was gifted, and which found its vent in many a love- taught lyric, or touching ballad, or spirit-stirring song whose theme was national glory. To him the bygone days of his country's history were dear, made more familiar by many an antique relic which hung around his own room, in his father's house. Celt, and sword, and spear-head of Phoenician bronze, and golden gorget, and silver bodkin, and ancient harp, and studded crozier, were there ; and these time-worn evidences of arts, and arms, and letters, flattered the atFection with which he looked back on the ancient history of Ireland, and kept alive the ardent love of his country with which he glowed, a love too deep, too pure, to be likely to expire, even without the aid of such poetic sources of excitement. To him the names of Fitzgerald, and Desmond, and Tyrone, were dear ; and there was no romantic legend of the humbler outlaws with which he was not familiar ; and " Charley of the Horses," and " Ned of the Hill," but headed the list of names he loved to recall; and the daring deeds of bold spirits who held the hill side for liberty were often given in words of poetic fire from the lips of Edward O'Connor. And yet Edward O'Connor went to see the badger fight. There is something inherent in man's nature, urging him to familiarize himself with cruelty ; and perhaps, without such a power of witnessing bavage deeds, he would be unequal to the dominion for which he was * Boys. 4't HANDY ANDY. designed. Men of the highest order of intellect the world has known have loved the chase. How admirably Scott displays this tendency of noble minds, in the meeting of Ellen with her father, when Douglas says " The chase I followed far ; 'Tis mimicry of noble war." And the effect of this touch of character is heightened by Douglas, in a subsequent scene Douglas, who could enjoy the sport which ends in death, bending over his gentle child, and dropping tears of the tenderest affection ; tears, which " Would not stain an angel's cheek." Superadded to this natural tendency, Edward O'Connor had an additional i^iotive. He lived amongst a society of sporting men, less cultivated than he was, whose self-esteem would have easily ignited to the spark of jealousv, if he had seemed to scorn the things which made their principal enjoyment, and formed the chief occupation of their lives ; and his good sense and good heart (and there is an intimate con- nexion between them) pointed out to him, that wherever your lot is cast, duty to yourself and others suggests the propriety of adapting your conduct to the circumstances in which you are placed (so long as morality and decency are not violated), and that the manifestation of one's own superiority may render the purchase too dear, by being bought at the terrible price of our neighbour's dislike. He therefore did not tell every body he wrote verses ; he kept the gift as secret as he could. If an error, however gross, on any subject, were made in his presence, he never took willing notice of it; or if circumstances obliged him to touch upon it, it was always done with a politeness and tact that afforded the blunderer the means of retreat. If some gross historical error, for instance, happened to be committed in a conversation with himself (and then only), he would set the mistake right, as a matter of conscience, but he would do so by saying there was a great similarity between the event spoken of and some other event. " I know what you are thinking of," he would say, " but you make a slight mistake in the dates ; the two stories are very similar, and likely to mislead one." But with all this modest reserve, did the least among his companions think him less clever ? No. It was shrewdly suspected he was a poet; it was well known he was highly educated and accomplished ; and yet Edward O'Connor was a universal favourite, bore the character of being a " real fine fellow," and was loved and respected by the most illiterate of the young men of the country ; who, in allusion to his extensive lore on the subject of the legendary heroes of the romantic history of Ireland, his own Christian name, and his immediate place of residence, which was near a wild mountain pass, christened him " Ned of the Hill." His appearance amidst the crowd assembled to witness the rude sport was hailed with pleasure, varying from the humble, but affec- tionate respect of the peasant, who cried " Long life to you, Misther O'Connor," to the hearty burst of equality, which welcomed him as " Ned of the Hill." The fortune of the fight favoured the badger, who proved himself a trump ; and Murphy appreciated his worth so highly, that, when the HANDY ANDY. 43 battle was over, he would not quit the ground until he became his owner, at a high price to the horse dealer. His next move was to insist on Edward O'Connor dining with him ; and Edward, after many excuses to avoid the party he foresaw would be a drinking bout (of which he had a special horror, notwithstanding all his toleration), yielded to the entreaties of Murphy, and consented to be his guest, just as Tim, the waiter, ran up, steaming from every pore, to announce that the dinner was " ready to be sarved." " Then sarve it, sir," said Murphy, " and sarve it right." Off cantered Tim, steaming and shorting like a locomotive engine, and the party followed to the inn, where a long procession of dish bearers was ascending the stairs to the big room, as Murphy and his friends entered. The dinner it is needless to describe. One dinner is the .same as another in the most essential points, namely, to satisfy hunger and slake consequent thirst ; and whether beef and cabbage, and heavy wet, are to conquer the dragon of appetite, or your stomach is to sustain the more elaborate attack fired from the batlerie de cuisine of a finished artiste, and moistened with champagne, the difference is only of degree in the fashion of the thing and the tickling of the palate : hunger is as tho- roughly satisfied with the one as the other ; and head-aches as well manufactured out of the beautiful bright and taper glasses which bear the foam of France to the lip, as from the coarse flat-bottomed tumblers of an inn that reek with punch. At the dinner, there was the same tender solicitude on the part of the carvers as to " Where would you like it?" and the same carelessness on the part of those whom they questioned, who declared they had no choice, " but, if there ivas a little bit near the shank," &c. or, " if there was a liver wing to spare." By the way, some carvers there are who push an aspirant's patience too far. I have seen some, who, after giving away both wings, and all the breast, two sidebones, and the short legs, meet the eager look of the fifth man on their left with a smile, and ask him, with an effrontery worthy of the Old Bailey, " has he any choice ? " and, at the same time, toss a drum-stick on the destined plate, or boldly attempt to divert his melancholy with a merry-thought. All this, and more, was there at Murtough Murphy's dinner, long memorable in the country from a frolic that wound up the evening, which soon began to warm, after the cloth was removed, into the sort of thing commonly known by the name of a jollification. But before the dinner was over, poor M'Garry was nearly pickled : Jack Horan, having determined to make him drunk, arranged a system of attack on M' Garry's sobriety which bade defiance to his prudence to withstand. It was agreed that every one should ask the apothecary to take wine; and he, poor innocent man, when gentlemen whom he had never had the honour to meet at dinner before addressed him with a winning smile, and said, " Mr. M'Garry will you do me the honour?" could not do less than fill his glass every time ; so that, to use Jack Koran's own phrase, the apothecary was ** sewed up" before he had any suspicion of the fact ; and, unused to the indications of approaching vinous excitement, he supposed it was the delightful society made him so hilarious, and he began to launch forth 44 HANDY ANDY. after dinner in a manner quite at variance with the reserve he usually maintained in the presence of his superiors, and talked largely. Now, M'Garry's principal failing was to endeavour to make himself appear very learned in his profession ; and every new discovery in chemistry, operation in surgery, or scientific experiment he heard of, he was prone to shove in, head and shoulders, in his soberest moments : but now that he was half-drunk, he launched forth on the subject of galvanism, having read of some recent wonderful effects produced on the body of a certain murderer who was hanged and given over to the College of Surgeons in Dublin. To impress the company still more with a sense of his learning, he addressed Growling on the subject, and' the doctor played him off to advantage. " Don't you consider it very wonderful, doctor? " inquired M'Garry, speaking somewhat thickly. " Very ! " answered the doctor drily. " They say, sir, the man that is, the subject, when under the in- fluence of the battery absolutely twiddled his left foot, and raised his right arm." *' And raised it to some purpose, too," said the doctor, " for he raised a contusion on the Surgeon-General's eye, having hit him over the same." u Dear me! I did not hear that." " It is true, however," said the doctor ; " and that gives you an idea of the power of the galvanic influence, for you know the Surgeon-General is a powerful man, and yet he could not hold him down." " Wonderful!" hiccupped M'Garry. " But that's nothing to what happened in London. They expe- rimented there, the other day, with a battery of such power, that the man who was hanged absolutely jumped up, seized a scalpel from the table, and making a rush on the assembled Faculty of London, cleared the theatre in less than no time dashed into the hall, stabbed the porter who attempted to stop him, made a chevy down the south side of Leicester-square ; and as he reached the corner, a woman, who was carrying tracts published by the Society for the Suppression of Vice, shrieked at beholding a man in so startling a condition, and fainted ; he, with a presence of mind perfectly admirable, whipped the cloak from her back, and threw it round him ; and scudding through the tor- tuous alleys which abound in that neighbourhood, he made his way to the house where the learned Society of the Noviomagians hold their convivial meetings, and telling the landlord he was invited there to dinner as a curiosity, he gained admittance, and, it is supposed, took his opportunity for escaping, for he has not since been heard of." " Good heaven ! " gasped M'Garry ; " and do you believe that, doctor ?" " Most firmly, sir! My belief is that galvanism is, in fact, the ori- ginal principle of vitality." " Should we not rejoice, doctor," cried M'Garry, " at this triumph of science ? " " I don't think you should, Mister M'Garry," said the doctor, gravely, " for it would utterly destroy your branch of the profession : pharma- copolists, instead of compounding medicine, must compound with their HANDY ANDY. 45 creditors; they are utterly ruined. Mercury is no longer in the ascen- dant; all doctors have to do now is to carry a small battery about them, a sort of galvanic pocket pistol, I may say, and restore the vital principle by its application." " You are not serious, doctor," said M'Garry, becoming very serious, with that wise look so peculiar to drunken men. " Never more serious in my life, sir." "That would be dreadful!" said M'Garry. " Shocking, you mean," said the doctor. " Leave off your confounded scientifics, there," shouted Murphy from .he head of the table, "and let us have a song." " I can't sing, indeed, Mister Murphy," said M'Garry, who became more intoxicated every moment ; for he continued to drink, having once overstepped the boundary which custom had prescribed to him. " I didn't ask you, man," said Murphy; "but my darling fellow, Ned here, will gladden our hearts and ears with a stave." "Bravo!" was shouted round the table, trembling under the "thun- ders of applause," with which heavy hands made it ring again : and "Ned of the Hill !" '' Ned of the Hill !" was vociferated with many a hearty cheer about the board that might indeed be called "festive." " Well," said O'Connor, " since you call upon me in the name of Ned of the Hill, I'll give you a song under that very title. Here's Ned of the Hill's own shout ;" and in a rich, manly voice, he sang, with the fire of a bard, these lines : ty Spoilt of Nefc of t&e f^fll* i. The hill ! the hill ! with its sparkling rill, And its dawning air so light and pure, Where the morning's eye scorns the mists that lie On the drowsy valley and the moor. Here, with the eagle I rise betimes ; Here, with the eagle my state I keep ; The first we see of the morning sun, And his last as he sets o'er the deep ; And there, while strife is rife below, Here from the tyrant I am free : Let shepherd slaves the valley praise, But the hill ! the hill for me ! ii. The baron below in his castle dwells, And his garden boasts the costly rose ; But mine is the keep of the mountain steep, Where the matchless wild flower freely blows ! Let him fold his sheep, and his harvest reap, I look down from my mountain throne ; And I choose and pick of the flock and the rick, And what is his I can make my own ! Let the valley grow in its wealth below, And the lord keep his high degree ; But higher am I in my liberty The hill! the hill for me! * The songs in this work will be published by Duff and Hodgson, 65, Oxford-street. 46 HANDY ANDY. O'Connor's song was greeted with what the music publishers are pleased to designate, on their title-pages, " distinguished applause ;" and his " health and song" were filled to and drunk with enthusiasm " Whose lines are these ?" asked the doctor. " I don't know," said O'Connro. " That's as much as to say they are your own," said Growling. " Ned, don't be too modest ; it is the worst fault a man can have who wants to get on in this world." " The call is with you, Ned," shouted Murphy from the head of the table ; " knock some one down for a song." " Mr. Reddy, I hope, will favour us," said Edward, with a courteous inclination of his head towards the gentleman he named, who returned a very low bow, with many protestations that he would " do his best," &c. : "but after Mr. O'Connor, really;" and this was said with a certain self-complacent smile, indicative of his being on very good terms with himself. Now, James Reddy wrote rhymes, bless the mark! and was tolerably well convinced that, except Tom Moore, (if he did except even him,) there was not a man in the British dominions his equal at a lyric : he sang, too, with a kill-me-quite air, as if no lady could resist his strains; and to "give effect," as he called it, he began every stanza as loud as he could, and finished it in a gentle murmur tailed it off very taper indeed ; in short, it seemed as if a shout had been suddenly smitten with consumption, and died in a whisper. And this, his style, never varied, whatever the nature or expression of the song might be, or the sense to be expressed ; but as he very often sang his own, there was seldom any to consider. This rubbish he had set to music by the country music master, who believed himself to be a better composer than Sir John Stevenson, to whom the prejudices of the world gave the palm ; and he eagerly caught at the opportunity which the verses and vanity of Reddy afforded him, of stringing his crotchets and quavers on the same hank with the abortive fruits of Reddy's muse, and the wretched productions hung worthily together. Reddy, with the proper quantity of "hems and haws, ' and rubbing down his upper lip and chin with his forefinger and thumb, cleared his throat, tossed his nose into the air, and said, he was going to give them " a little classic thing." "Just look at the puppy!" snarled out old Growling to his neigh- bour, " he's going to measure us out some yards of his own fustian, I'm sure, he looks so pleased." Reddy gave his last "a-hem!" and sang what he called &e lament of &na&ne. The graceful Greek with gem-bright hair Her garments rent, and rent the air. "What a tearing rage she was in!" said old Growling in an under tone. With sobs and sighs And tearful eyes, Like fountain fair of Helicon! HANDY ANDY. 47 "Oh, thunder and lightning!" growled the doctor, who pulled a letter out of his pocket, and began to scribble on the blank portions of it, with the stump of a blunt pencil, which he very audibly sucked, to enable it to make a mark. For ah, her lover false was gjaei The fickle brave, And fickle wave, " And pickled cabbage," said the doctor Combined to cheat the fickle fair. Oh, fickle! fickle! fickle! But the brave should be true, And the fair ones too True, true, As the ocean's blue ! And Ariadne had not been, Deserted there, like beauty's queen. Oh, Ariadne ! adne ! adne ! "Beautiful!" said the doctor, with an approving nod at Reddy, who continued his song, while the doctor continued to write. The sea-nymphs round the sea-girt shore Mock'd the maiden's sighs, And the ocean's savage roar Replies Replies replies replies, replies, replies. (After the manner of " Tell me where is Fancy bred."] ''Very original," said the doctor. With willow wand Upon the strand She wrote with trembling heart and hand, "The brave should ne'er Desert the fair." But the wave the moral washed away, Ah, well-a-day ! well-a-day ! A-day ! a-day ! a-day ! Reddy smiled and bowed, and thunders of applause followed ; the doctor shouted " Splendid !" several times, and continued to write and take snuff voraciously, by which those who knew him could comprehend he was bent on mischief. ' What a beautiful thing that is !" said one. " Whose is it ?" said another. " A little thing of my own," answered Reddy with a smile. " I thought so," said Murphy : " by Jove, James, you are a genius !'' "Nonsense!" smiled the poet; "just a little classic trifle I think them little classic allusions is pleasing in general Tommy Moore is very happy in his classic allusions, you may remark ; not that I, of course, mean to institute a comparison between so humble an individual as myself, and Tommy Moore, who has so well been called ' the poet of all circles, and the idol of his own ;' and if you will permit me, in a kindred spirit, I hope I may say the kindred spirit of a song, in that kindred spirit I propose his health the health of Tommy Moore !" 48 HANDY ANDY. " Don't say, Tommy!" said the doctor, in an irascible tone ; " call the man TOM, sir; with all my heart, TOM MOORE!" The table took the word .from Jack Growling, and "Tom Moore," with all the honours of " hip and hurra," rang round the walls of the village inn ; and where is the village in Ireland, that health has not been hailed with the fiery enthusiasm of the land whose lays he hath "wedded to immortal verse," that land which is proud of his birth, and holds his name in honour. There is a magic in a great name ; and in this instance, that of Tom Moore turned the current from where it was setting, and instead of quizzing the nonsense of the fool who had excited their mirth, every one launched forth in praise of their native bard, and couplets from his favourite songs ran from lip to lip. " Come, Ned of the Hill," said Murphy, " sing us one of his songs I know you have them all as pat as your prayers" "And says them oftener," said the doctor, who still continued scrib- bling over the letter. Edward, at the urgent request of many, sang that most exquisite of the Melodies, "And doth not a meeting like this make amends ?'' and long rang the plaudits, and rapidly circulated the bottle, at its conclusion. "We'll be the 'Alps in the sun-set/ my boys," said Murphy, "and here's the wine to enlighten us ! But what are you about there, doctor ? is it a prescription you are writing ?" "No. Prescriptions are written in Latin, and this is a bit of Greek I'm doing. Mr. Reddy has inspired me with a classic spirit, and if you will permit me, I'll volunteer a song, \_Bravo ! Bravo /] and give you another version of the subject he has so beautifully treated; only mine is not so heart-breaking.' The doctor's proposition was received with cheers, and after he had gone through the mockery of clearing his throat, and pitching his voice after the usual manner of your would-be-fine singers, he gave out, to the tune of a well-known rollicking Irish lilt, the following burlesque version of the subject of Reddy 's song : Hobs an& lUquor. A GREEK ALLEGORY. I. Oh sure 'twould amaze yiz How one Misther Theseus Desarted a lovely young lady of owld, On a dissolute island, All lonely and silent, She sobb'd herself sick as she sat in the cow.d. Oh you'd think she was kilt, As she roar'd with the quilt "VVrapp'd round her in haste as she jump'd out of bed, And ran down to the coast "Where she look'd like a ghost, Though 'twas he was departed the vagabone fled. And she cried, " Well-a-day! Sure my heart it is grey; They're deceivers, them sojers'that goes on half-pay 1" iIANDY ANDY. 49 While abusing the villian, Came riding postilion, A nate little boy on the back of a baste, Big enough, faith, to ate him, But he lather'd and bate him, And the baste to unsate him ne'er struggled the laste ? And an iligant car He was dhrawing by gar ! It was finer by far than a Lord Mayor's state coach ; And the chap that was in it, He sang like a linnet, With a nate kag of whisky beside him to broach. And he tipp'd, now and then, Just a matter o' ten Or twelve tumblers o' punch to his bowld sarving men. in. They were dress'd in green livery, But seem'd rather shivery, For 'twas only a thrifle o' leaves that they wore, But they caper'd away, Like the sweeps on May-day, And shouted and tippled the tumblers galore ! A print of their masther Is often in plasther- o' Paris, put over the door of a tap ; A fine chubby fellow, Ripe, rosy, and mellow, Like a peach that is ready to drop in your lap. Hurrah ! for Brave Bacchus, A bottle to crack us, He's a friend of the people, like bowld Caius Gracchus. IV. Now Bacchus perceiving The lady was grieving, He spoke to her civil, and tipp'd her a wink ; And the more that she fretted, He soother'd and petted, And gave her a glass her own health just to dhrink ; Her pulse it beat quicker, The thrifle o' liquor Enliven'd her sinking heart's cockles, I think ; So the MORAL is plain, That if love gives you pain, There's nothing can cure it like taking to dhrink ! Uproarious were the "bravos" which followed the doctor's im- promptu ; the glasses overflowed, and were emptied to his health and song, as laughing faces nodded to him round the table. The doctor sat seriously rocking himself in his chair backwards and forwards, to meet the various duckings of the beaming faces about him ; for every face beamed, but one and that was the unfortunate M'Garry's. He was most deplorably drunk, and began to hold on by the table. At last he contrived to shove back his chair and get on his legs ; and making a sloping stagger towards the wall, contrived by its support to scramble his way to the door. There he balanced himself as well as he could by the handle of the lock, which chance, rather than design, enabled him 50 HANDY ANDY. to turn, and the door suddenly opening, poor M'Garry made a rush across the landing-place, and stumbling against an opposite door would have fallen, had he not supported himself by the lock of that also, which again yielding to his heavy tugs, opened, and the miserable wretch making another plunge forward, his shins came in contact with the rail of a very low bed, and into it he fell head foremost, totally unable to rise, and after some heavy grunts, he sank into a profound sleep. In this state he was discovered soon after by Murphy, whose inventive faculty for frolic instantly suggested how the apothecary's mishap might be made the foundation of a good practical joke. Murtough went down stairs, and procuring some blacking and red pickled cabbage, by stealth, returned to the chamber where M'Garry now lay in a state of stupor, and dragging off his clothes, he made long dabs across his back with the purple juice of the pickle, and Warren's paste, till poor M'Garry was as regularly striped as a tiger, from his shoulder to his flank. He then returned to the dinner-room, where the drinking bout had assumed a formidable character, and others, as well as the apothecary, began to feel the influence of their potations. Murphy confided to the doctor what he had done, and said, that when the men were drunk enough, he would contrive that M'Garry should be discovered, and then they would take their measures accordingly. It was not very long before his company were ripe enough for his designs, and then ringing the beH, he demanded of the waiter, when he entered, what had become of Mr. M'Garry ? The waiter, not having any knowledge on the sub- ject, was desired to inquire, and a search being instituted, M'Garry was discovered by Mrs. Fay in the state Murphy had left him in. On seeing him, she was so terrified that she screamed, and ran into the dinner-room, wringing her hands, and shouting, " Murder !" A great commotion ensued, and a general rush to the bed-room took place, and exclamations of wonder and horror flew round the room, not only from the gentlemen of the dinner-party, but from the servants of the house, who crowded to the chamber on the first alarm, and helped not a little to increase the confusion. " Oh, who ever see the like of it !" shouted Mrs. Fa)'. " He's kilt with the batin' he got ! Oh, look at him ! black and blue all over ! Oh, the murther it is ! Oh, I wouldn't be Squire O'Grady for all his fort'n." " Gad, I believe he's killed, sure enough," said Murphy. " What a splendid action the widow will have !" said Jack Horan. " You forget, man," said Murphy, " this is not a case for action of damages, but a felony hanging matter." " Sure enough," said Jack. " Doctor, will you feel his pulse ?" said Murphy. The doctor did as he was required, and assumed a very serious coun- tenance. ' 'Tis a bad business, sir : his wounds are mortifying already." Upon this announcement, there was a general retreat from the bed round which they had been crowding too close for the carrying on of the joke ; and Mrs. Fay ran for a shovel of hot cinders, and poured vinegar over them, to fumigate the room. s HANDY ANDY. 51 " A very proper precaution, Mrs. Fay," said the doctor, with imper- turbable gravity. " That villanous smoke is choking me," said Jack Horan. " Better that, sir, than have a pestilence in the house," said Growling. " I'll leave the place," said Jack Horan. " And I, too," said Doyle. " And I,"said Reddy " 'tis disgusting to a sensitive mind.'' " Gentlemen !" said Murphy, shutting the door, "you must not quit the house. I must have an inquest on the body." " An inquest !" they all exclaimed. " Yes an inquest." " But there's no coroner here," said Reddy. " No matter for that," said Murphy. " I, as the under-sheriffof the county, can preside at this inquiry. Gentlemen, take your places ; bring in more light, Mrs. Fay. Stand round the bed, gentlemen." " Not too close," said the doctor. " Mrs. Fay, bring more vinegar." Mrs. Fay had additional candles and more vinegar introduced, and the drunken fellows were standing as straight as they could, each with a candle in his hand, round the still prostrate M'Garry. Murphy then opened on them with a speech, and called in every one in the house to ask did they know anything about the matter ; and it was not long before it was spread all over the town, that Squire O'Grady had killed M'Garry, and that the coroner's inquest brought in a verdict of murder, and that the Squire was going to be sent to jail. This almost incredible humbug of Murphy's had gone on for nearly half an hour, when the cold arising from his want of clothes, and the riot about him, and the fumes of the vinegar, roused M'Garry, who turned on the bed and opened his eyes. There he saw a parcel of people standing round him, with candles in their hands, and counte- nances of drunken wonder and horror. He uttered a hollow groan and cried, " Save us and keep us ! where am I ?" " Retire, gentlemen ! " said the doctor, waving hand authorita- tively; " retire all but the under-sheriff." Murphy cleared the room, and shut the door, while M'Garry still kept exclaiming, "Save us and keep us! Where am I ? What's this? OLord!" "You're dead! " says Murphy, "and the coroner's inquest has just sat on you ! " Dead ! " cried M'Garry, with a horrified stare. Dead ! " repeated the doctor solemnly. ' Are not you Doctor Growling ? " ' You see the effect, Mr. Murphy," said the doctor, not noticing M Garry's question " you see the effect of the process." 'Wonderful !" said Murphy. ' Preserve us !" cried the bewildered apothecary. " How could I know you, if I was dead, doctor ? Oh ! doctor dear, sure I am not dead !" " As a herring," said the doctor. " Lord have mercy on me ! Oh, Mister Murphy, sure I'm not dead." 2 52 HANDY ANDY. "You're dead, sir," said Murphy; " the doctor has only galvanised you for a few moments." '' O Lord !" groaned M' Garry, " Doctor indeed, doctor ?" " You are in a state of temporary animation," said the doctor. " 1 do feel very odd, indeed," said the terrified man, putting his hands to his throbbing temples. " How long am I dead ? " " A week next Tuesday," said the doctor " Galvanism has preserved you from decomposition." M'Garry uttered a heavy groan, and looked up piteously at his two tormentors. Murphy, fearful the shock might drive him out of his mind, said, " Perhaps, doctor, you can preserve his life altogether ; you have kept him alive so long." " I'll try," said Growling ; " hand me that tumbler." Murphy handed him a tumbler full of water, and the doctor gave it to M'Garry, and desired him to try and drink it ; he put it to his lips and swallowed a little drop. " Can you taste it ?" asked the doctor. " Isn't it water?" said M'Garry. " You see how dull the nerves are yet," said Growling to Murphy ; " that's aquafortis and assafoetida, and he can't taste it ; we must give him another touch of the battery. Hold him up while I go into the next room and immerse the plates." The doctor left the bed -room, and came back with a hot poker, and some lemon -juice and water. " Turn him gently round," said he to Murphy, while I conduct the wires." His order was obeyed ; and giving M'Garry a touch of the hot poker, the apothecary roared like a bull. " That did him good ! " said Growling. " Now try, can you taste anything?" and he gave him the lemon-juice and water. " I taste a slight acid, doctor dear !" said M'Garry, hopefully. " You see what that last touch did,'' said Growling, gravely ; " but the palate is still feeble ; that's nearly pure nitric." " Oh, dear !" said M'Garry, " is it nitric ?" " You see his hearing is coming back too," said the doctor to Mur- phy ; " try, can he put his legs under him ?" They raised the apothecary from the bed ; and when he staggered and fell forward, he looked horrified " Oh dear, I can't walk. I'm afraid I am I am no more ! " " Don't despair," said the doctor ; " I pledge my professional repu- tation to save you now, since you can stand at all, and your senses are partly restored ; let him lie down again ; try, could he sleep " " Sleep ! " said M'Garry with horror, ' perhaps never to awaken." " I'll keep up the galvanic influence asked Oonah, trembling violently. " What do you mane, alanna?" said the aunt. Andy gave another roll. " There it is again ! " gasped Oonah : and in a whisper, scarcely above her breath, she added, " Aunt, there's some one under the bed !" The aunt did not answer ; but the two women drew closer together, and held each other in their arms, as if their proximity afforded protec- tion. Thus they lay in breathless fear for some minutes, while Andy began to be influenced by a vision, in which the duel, and the chase, and the thrashing, were all enacted over again, and soon an odd word began to escape from the dreamer : " Gi' me the pist'l, Dick the pist'l ! " " There are two of them ! " whispered Oonah. ' God be merciful to us ! Do you hear him asking for the pistol ? " " Screech ! " said her aunt. " I can't," said Oonah. Andy was quiet for some time, while the women scarcely breathed. " Suppose we get up, and make for the door ? " said the aunt. " I wouldn't put my foot out of the bed for the world," said Oonah. " I'm afeard one o' them would catch me by the leg." " Howld him ! howld him !" grumbled Andy. " I'll die with the fright, aunt! I feel I'm dyin' ! Let us say our prayers, aunt, for we're goin' to be murdhered ! " The two women began to repeat with fervour their aves and paternosters, while at this imme- diate juncture Andy's dream having borne him to the dirty ditch where Dick Dawson had pommelled him, he began to vociferate, ''Murder! murder!" so fiercely, that the women screamed together in an agony of terror, and " Murder ! murder ! " was shouted by the whole party ; for once the widow and Oonah found their voices, they made good use of them. The noise awoke Andy, who had, be it remembered, a tolerably long sleep by this time ; and he having quite forgotten where he had lain down, and finding himself confined by the bed above him, and smothering for want of air, with the fierce shouts of murder ringing 62 HANDY ANDY. in his ears, woke in as great a fright as the women in the bed, and became a party in the terror he himself had produced ; every plunge he gave under the bed inflicted a poke or a kick on his mother and cousin, which was answered by the cry of " Murder ! " " Let me out! Let me out, Misther Dick ! " roared Andy. " Where am I at all ? Let me out ! " " Help, help ! murdher ! " roared the women. " I'll never shoot any one again, Misther Dick let me up !" Andy scrambled from under the bed, half awake, and whole frightened by the darkness and the noise, which was now increased by the barking of the cur-dog. " High! at him, Coaly!" roared Mrs. Rooney ; "howld him! howld him ! " Now as this address was often made to the cur respecting the pig, when Mrs. Rooney sometimes wanted a quiet moment in the day, and the pig didn't like quitting the premises, the dog ran to the corner of the cabin where the pig habitually lodged, and laid hold of his ear with the strongest testimonials of affection, which polite attention the pig acknowledged by a prolonged squealing, that drowned the voices of the women and Andy together; and now the cocks and hens that were roosting on the rafters of the cabin, were startled by the din, and the crowing and cackling, and the flapping of the frightened fowls as they flew about in the dark, added to the general uproar and confusion. " A h!" screamed Oonah, " take your hands off me!" as Andy, getting from under the bed, laid his hand upon it to assist him, and caught a grip of his cousin. " Who are you at all ? " cried Andy, making another claw, and catching hold of his mother's nose. " Oonah, they're murdhering me !" shouted the widow. The name of Oonah, and the voice of his mother, recalled his senses to Andy, who shouted, " Mother, mother! what's the matter?" A frightened hen flew in his face, and nearly knocked Andy down. " Bad cess to you," cried Andy, " what do you hit me for?" " Who are you at all ? " cried the widow. " Don't you know me ? " said Andy. " No, I don't know you ; by the vartue o' my oath, I don't ; and I'll never swear again' you, jintlemen, if you lave the place, and spare our lives!" Here the hens flew against the dresser, and smash went the plates and dishes. " Oh, jintlemen, dear, don't rack and ruin me that way : don't desthroy a lone woman ! " " Mother, mother, what's this at all ? Don't you know your own Andy ? " " Is it you that's there?" cried the widow, catching hold of him. '' To be sure it's me," said Andy. '' You won't let us be murdhered, will you ? " " Who'd murdher you?" " Them people that's with you." Smash went anotner plate. " Do you hear that ? they're rackin' my place, the villains ! " " HANDY AND. . 63 ** Divil a one's wid me at all ! " said Andy. _ " I'll take my oath there was three or four under the bed/' said Oonah. " Not one but myself," said Andy " Are you sure ?" said his mother " Cock sure ! " said Andy ; and a loud crowing gave evidence in favour of his assertion. " The fowls is going mad," said the widow. " And the pig's distracted, 1 ' said Oonah. " No wonder ; the dog's murdherin' him," said Andy. " Get up and light the rushlight, Oonah," said the widow ; " you'll get a spark out o' the turf cendhers." " Some o' them will catch me, maybe ! " said Oonah. " Get up, I tell you," said the widow. Oonah now arose, and groped her way to the fire-place, where by dint of blowing upon the embers, and poking the rushlight among the turf ashes, a light was at length obtained. She then returned to the bed, and threw her petticoat over her shoulders. " What's this at all ?" said the widow rising, and wrapping a blanket round her. " Bad cess to the know I know ! " said Andy. " Look under the bed, Oonah," said the aunt. Oonah obeyed, and screamed, and ran behind Andy. " There's another here yet ! " said she. Andy seized the poker, and standing on the defensive, desired the villain to come out: the demand was not complied with. " There's nobody there," said Andy. " I'll take my oath there is," said Oonah; " a dirty blackguard without any clothes on him." " Come out, you robber!" said Andy, making a lunge under the truckle. A grunt ensued, and out rushed the pig, who had escaped from the dog, the dog having discovered a greater attraction in some fat that was knocked from the dresser, which the widow intended for the dipping of rushes in: but the dog being enlightened to his own interest without rushlights, and preferring mutton fat to pig's ear, had suffered the grunter to go at large, while he was captivated by the fat. The clink of a three-legged stool the widow seized to the rescue, was a stronger argument against the dog than he was prepared to answer, and a remnant of fat was preserved from the rapacious Coaly. " Where's the rest o' the robbers ? " said Oonah : " there's three o 1 them, I know " * You're dhramin'," said Andy. " Divil a robber is here but myself." " And what brought you here ?" said his mother. " I was afeard they'd murdher me," said Andy. " Murdher ! " exclaimed the widow and Oonah together, still startled by the very sound of the word. " Who do you mane ? " " Misther Dick," said Andy. " Aunt, I tell you," said Oonah, " this is some more of Andy's blundhers. Sure Misther Dawson wouldn't be goin' to murdher any 04 HANDY ANDY. one ; let us look round the cabin, and find out who's in it, for I won't be aisy ontil I look into every corner, to see there's no robbers in the place ; for I tell you again, there was three o' them undher the bed." The search was made, and the widow and Oonah at length satisfied that there were no midnight assassins there with long knives to cut their throats ; and then they began to thank God that their lives were safe. " But, oh ! look at my chaynee ! " said the widow, clapping her hands, and casting a look of despair at the shattered delf that lay around her ; " look at my chaynee ! '' " And what was it brought you here ?" said Oonah, facing round on Andy with a dangerous look, rather, in her bright eye. . " Will you tell us that ? what was it ? " " I came to save my life, I tell you," said Andy. " To put us in dhread of ours, you mane," said Oonah. " Just look at the omadhawn there," said she to her aunt, " standin' with his mouth open, just as if nothin' happened, and he afther frightenin' the lives of us." " Thrue for you, alanna," said her aunt. " And would no place sarve you, indeed, but undher our bed, you vagabone ? " said his mother, roused to a sense of his delinquency ; " to come in like a morodin' villian, as you are, and hide under the bed, and frighten the lives out of us, and rack and ruin my place ! " " 'Twas Misther Dick, I tell you," said Andy. "Bad scran to you, you, "unlooky hangin' bone thief!" cried the widow, seizing him by the hair, and giving him a hearty cuff on the ear, which would have knocked him down, only that Oonah kept him up by an equally well applied box. on the other. " Would you murdher me ? " shouted Andy; as he saw his mother lay hold of the broom. " Ar'n't you afther frightenin' the lives out of us, you dirty, good- for-nothing, mischief-making ! " On poured the torrent of abuse, rendered more impressive by a whack at every word. Andy roared, and the more he roared the more did Oonah and his mother thrash him. So great, indeed, was their zeal in the cause, that the widow's blanket and Oonah 's petticoat fell off in the melee, which compels us to put our hands to our eyes, and close the chapter. HANDY ANDY. 65 CHAPTER VII. " Love rules the camp, the court, the grove, And men on earth and saints above ; For Love is Heaven, and Heaven is Love." So sang Scott. Quite agreeing with the antithesis of the last line, perhaps in the second, where he talks of men and saints, another view of the subject, or turn of the phrase, might have introduced sinners quite as successfully. This is said without the smallest intention of using the word sinners in a questionable manner. Love, in its purest shape, may lead to sinning on the part of persons least interested in the question ; for is it not a sin, when the folly, or caprice, or selfishness of a third party or fourth, makes a trio or quartette of that which nature undoubtedly intended for a duet, and so spoils it ? Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, ay, and even cousins, sometimes put in their oar to disturb that stream which is troubled enough without their interference, and, as the bard of Avon says, " never did run smooth." And so it was in the case of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor. A piece of innocent fun on the part of her brother, and blind pertinacity indeed, downright absurdity on her father's side, interrupted the intercourse of affection, which had subsisted silently for many a long day between the lovers, but was acknowledged at last, with delight to the two whom it most concerned, and satisfaction to all who knew or held them dear. Yet the harmony of this sweet concordance of spirits was marred by youthful frolic and doting absurdity. This welding together of hearts in the purest fire of nature's own contriving, was broken at a blow by a weak old man. Is it too much to call this a sin ? Less mischievous things are branded with the name in the common- place parlance of the world. The cold and phlegmatic may not under- stand this ; but they who can love know how bitterly every after-hour of life may be poisoned with the taint which hapless love has infused into the current of future years, and can believe how many a heart, equal to the highest enterprise, has been palsied by the touch of despair. Sweet and holy is the duty of child to parent; but sacred also is the obligation of those who govern in so hallowed a position. Their rule should be guided by justice ; they should pray for judgment in their mastery. Fanny Dawson's father was an odd sort of person. His ancestors were settlers in Ireland of the time of William the Third, and having won their lands by the sword, it is quite natural the love of arms should have been hereditary in the family. Mr. Dawson, therefore, had 66 HANDY ANDY. served many years as a soldier, and was a bit of a martinet, not only in military but all other affairs. His mind was of so tenacious a character, that an impression once received there, became indelible ; and if the Major once made up his mind, or indulged the belief, that such and such things were so and so, the waters of truth could never wash out the mistake : stubbornness had written them there with her own indelible marking ink. Now, one of the old gentleman's weak points was a museum of the most heterogeneous nature, consisting of odds and ends from all parts of the world, and appertaining to all subjects. Nothing was too high or too low : a bronze helmet from the plain of Marathon, which, to the classic eye of an artist, conveyed the idea of a Minerva's head beneath it, would not have been more prized by the Major than a cavalry cap with some bullet mark of which he could tell an anecdote. A certain skin of a tiger he prized much, because the animal had dined on his dearest friend in one of the jungles of Bengal ; also a pisi.ol, which he vouched for as being the one with which Hatfield fired at George the Third ; the hammer with which Crawley (of Hessian -boot memory) murdered his landlady ; the string which was on Viotti's violin, when he played before Queen Charlotte ; the horn which was supposed to be in the lantern of Guy Fawkes; a small piece of the coat worn by the Prince of Orange on his landing in England, and other such relics. But far above these the Major prized the skeleton of a horse's head, which occupied the principal place in his museum. This he declared to be part of the identical horse which bore Duke Shonbergwhen he crossed the Boyne in the celebrated battle so called ; and with whimsical ingenuity he had contrived to string some wires upon the bony fabric, which yielded a sort of hurdy- gurdy vibration to the strings when touched ; and the Major's most favourite feat was to play the tune of the Boyne Water on the head of Duke Shonberg's horse. In short, his collection was composed of trifles from north, south, east, and west. Some leaf from the prodigal verdure of India, or gorgeous shell from the Pacific, or paw of bear, or tooth of walruss ; but beyond all teeth, one pre-eminently was valued, it was one of his own, which he had lost the use of by a wound in the jaw, received in action; and no one ever entered his house and escaped without hearing all about it, from the first shot fired in the affair by the skirmishers, to the last charge of the victorious cavalry. The tooth was always produced along with the story, together with the declaration, that every dentist who ever saw ii protested it was the largest human tooth ever seen. Now some little sparring was not un- frequent between old Mr. Dawson and Edward, on the subject of their respective museums ; the old gentleman " poo-pooing " Edward's " rotten, rusty rubbish," as he called it, and Edward defending, as gently as he could, his patriotic partiality for national antiquities. This little war never led to any evil results ; for Edward not only loved Fanny too^ well, but respected age too much, to lean hard on the old gentleman's weakness, or seek to reduce his fancied superiority as a collector ; but the tooth, the ill-omened tooth, at last gnawed asunder the bond of friendship and affection which had subsisted between two families for so many years. HANDY ANDY. 67 The Major had paraded his tooth so often, that Dick Dawson began to tire of it, and for the purpose of making it a source of amusement to himself, he stole his father's keys one day, and opening the cabinet in which his tooth was enshrined, he abstracted the grinder which Nature had bestowed on the Major, and substituted in its stead a horse's tooth, of no contemptible dimensions. A party some days after dined with the old gentleman, and after dinner the story of the skirmish turned up, as a matter of course, and the enormous size of the tooth wound up the tedious tale. " Hadn't you better show it to them, sir?" said Dick from the foot of the table. " Indeed, then, I will," said the Major ; " for it really is a curiosity." " Let me go for it, sir," said Dick, well knowing he would be refused. " No, no," answered his father, rising ; " I never let any one go to my pet cabinet but myself;" and so saying he left the room, and pro- ceeded to his museum. It has been already said that the Major's mind was of that character, which once being satisfied of anything, could never be convinced to the contrary ; and having for years been in the habit of drawing his own tooth out of his own cabinet, the increased size never struck him of the one which he now extracted from it ; so he returned to the dining-room, and presented with great exultation to the company the tooth Dick had substituted. It may be imagined how the people stared, when an old gentleman, and moreover a Major, declared upon his honour, that a great horse's tooth was his own ; but having done so, politeness forbade they should contradict him, more particularly at the head of his own table, so they smothered their smiles, as well as they could, and declared it was the most wonderful tooth they ever beheld; and instead of attempting to question the fact, they launched forth in expressions of admiration and surprise, and the fable, instead of being questioned, was received with welcome, and made food for mirth. The difficulty was not to laugh ; and in the midst of twisted mouths, affected sneezing, and applications of pocket handkerchiefs to rebellious cachinations, Dick, the maker of the joke, sat unmoved, sipping his claret with a serenity which might have roused the envy of a red Indian. ' I think that's something like a tooth !" said Dick. ' Prodigious wonderful tremendous !" ran round the board. ' Give it to me again," said one. ' Let me look at it once more," said another. ' Colossal !" exclaimed a third. ' Gigantic !" shouted all, as the tooth made the circuit of the table. The Major was delighted, and never remembered his tooth to have created such a sensation ; and when at last it was returned to him, he turned it about in his own hand, and cast many fond glances at the monstrosity, before it was finally deposited iti his waistcoat pocket. This was the most ridiculous part of the exhibition : to see a gentleman, with the use of his eyes, looking affectionately at a thumping horse's tooth, and believing it to be his own. Yet this was a key to the Major's whole F 2 68 HANDY ANDY. character. A received opinion was with him unchangeable ; no alteration of circumstances could shake it : it was his tooth. A belief or a doubt was equally sacred with him ; and though his senses in the present case should have shown him it was a horse's tooth, no, it was a piece of himself his own dear tooth. After this party, the success which crowned his anecdote and its attendant relic, made him fonder of showing it off; and many a day did Dick the devil enjoy the astonishment of visitors as his father exhibited the enormous tooth as his own. Fonder and fonder grew the Major of his tooth and his story, until the unlucky day Edward O'Connor hap- pened to be in the museum with a party of ladies, to whom the old gentleman was showing off his treasures with great effect, and some pains ; for the Major, like most old soldiers, was very attentive to the fair sex. At last the pet cabinet was opened, and out came the tooth. One universal exclamation of surprise arose on its appearance: " What a wonderful man the Major was to have such a tooth ! " Just then, by an unlucky chance, Edward, who had not seen the Major produce the wonder from his cabinet, perceived the relic in the hand of one of the ladies at the extremity of the fjroup, and fancying it had dropped from the horse's head, he said, " I suppose that is one of the teeth out of old Shonberg's skull." The Major thought this an impertinent allusion to his political bias, and said, very sharply, " What do you mean by old Shonberg?" " The horse's head, sir," replied Edward, pointing to the musical relic. *' It was of my tooth you spoke, sir, when you said old Shonberg,'' returned the Major, still more offended at what he considered Edward's evasion. " I assure you," said Edward, with the strongest evidence of a desire to be reconciled in his voice and manner, " I assure you, sir, it was of this tooth I spoke ;" and he held up the one the Major had produced as his own. " I know it was, sir," said the Major, " and therefore I did'nt relish your allusions to my tooth." " Your tooth, sir?" exclaimed Edward, in surprise. " Yes, sir, mine!" " My dear sir," said Edward, " there is some mistake here ; this is a horse's tooth." " Give it to me, sir !" said the Major, snatching it from Edward. " You may think this very witty, Mr. O'Connor, but / don't ; if my tooth is of superhuman size, I'm not to be called a horse for it, sir! nor Shonberg, sir ! horse a-hem ! better than ass, however !" While this brief but angry outbreak took place, the bystanders, of course, felt excessively uncomfortable ; and poor Edward knew not what to do. The Major he knew to be of too violent a temper to attempt explanation for the present ; so, bowing to the ladies, he left the room, with that flushed look of silent vexation to which courteous youth is sometimes obliged to submit at the hands of intemperate age. Neither Fanny nor Dick was at home when this occurred, so Ed- ward quitted the house, and was forbidden to enter it afterwards. The Major suddenly entertained a violent dislike to Edward O'Connor, and HANDY ANDY. 69 hated even to hear his name mentioned. It was in vain that explanation was attempted : his self-love had received a violent shock, of which Edward had been the innocent means. In vain did Dick endeavour to make himself the peace-offering to his father's wounded consequence ; in vain was it manifest that Fanny was grieved : the old Major per- sisted in declaring that Edward O'Connor was a self-sufficient jacka- napes, and forbade most peremptorily that further intercourse should take place between him and his daughter; and she had too high a sense of duty, and he of honour, to seek to violate the command. But though they never met, they loved not the less fondly and truly; and Dick, grieved that a frolic of his should have interrupted tha happiness of a sister he loved and a friend he valued, kept up a sort of communion between them by talking to Edward about Fanny, and to Fanny about Edward, whose last song was sure, through the good offices of the brother, to find its way into the sister's album, already stored with many a tribute from her lover's muse. Fanny was a sweet creature one of those choice and piquant bits of Nature's creation which she sometimes vouchsafes to treat the world with, just to show what she can do. Her person I shall not attempt to describe ; for however one may endeavour to make words play the part of colour, lineament, voice, and expression and however successfully, still a verbal description can never convey a true notion of personal charms ; and personal charms Fanny had, decidedly ; not that she was strictly beautiful, but, at times, nevertheless, eclipsing beauty far more regular, and throwing symmetry into the shade, by some charm which even they whom it fascinated could not define. Her mind was as clear and pure as a mountain stream ; and if at times it chafed and was troubled from the course in which it ran, the tempo- rary turbulence only made its limpid depth and quietness more beauti- ful. Her heart was the very temple of generosity, the throne of honour, and the seat of tenderness. The gentlest sympathies dwelt in her soul, and answered to the slightest call of another's grief; while mirth was dancing in her eye, a word that implied the sorrow of another would bring a tear there. She was the sweetest creature in the world! The old Major, used to roving habits from his profession, would often go on a ramble somewhere for weeks together, at which times Fanny went to Merryvale to her sister, Mistress Egan, who was also a fine-hearted creature, but less soft and sentimental than Fanny. She was of the dashing school rather, and before she became the mother of so large a family, thought very little of riding over a gate or a fence. Indeed it was her high mettle that won her the squire's heart. The story :s not long, and it may as well be told here though a little out of place, pe-'\aps ; but it's an Irish story, and may therefore be gently irregular The squire had admired Letitia Dawson as most of the young men of her acquaintance did appreciated her round waist and well-turned ankle, her spirited eyes and cheerful laugh, and danced with her at every ball as much as any other fine girl in the country ; but never seriously thought of her as a wife, until one day a party visited the parish church, whose old tower was often ascended for the fine view it commanded. At this time the tower was under repair, and the masons 70 HANDY ANDY. were drawing up materials in a basket, which, worked by rope and pulley, swung on a beam protruding from the top of the tower. The basket had just been lowered for a fresh load of stones, when Letitia exclaimed, " Wouldn't it be fine fun to get into the basket and be hauled up to the top of the tower? how astonished the workmen would be to see a lady get out of it!" " I would be more astonished to see a lady get into it," said a gentle- man present. " Then here goes to astonish you," said Letitia, laying hold of the rope and jumping into the basket. In vain did her friends and the workmen below endeavour to dissuade her ; up she would go, and up she did go; and it was during her ascent that Egan and a friend were riding towards the church. Their attention was attracted by so strange a sight; and, spurring onward, Egan exclaimed, " By the powers, 'tis Letty Dawson ! Well done, Letty ! you're the right girl for my money ! by Jove, if ever I marry, Letty's the woman !" And sure enough she was the woman, in another month. Now, Fanny would not have done the basket feat, but she had plenty of fun in her, notwithstanding ; her spirits were light ; and though, for some time, she felt deeply the separation from Edward, she rallied after a while, felt that unavailing sorrow but impaired the health of the mind, and, supported by her good sense, she waited in hopefulness for the time that Edward might claim and win her. At Merryvale now, all was expectation about the anticipated election. The ladies were making up bows of ribbon for their partizans, and Fanny had been so employed all the morning alone in the drawing- room ; herjpretty fingers pinching, and pressing, and stitching the silken favours, while now and then her hand wandered to a wicker basket which lay beside her, to draw forth a scissors or a needlecase. As she worked, a shade of thought crossed her sweet face, like a passing cloud across the sun ; the pretty fingers stopped the work was laid down and a small album gently drawn from the neighbouring basket. She opened the book and read ; they were lines of Edward O'Connor's, which she drank into her heart ; they were the last he had written, which her brother had heard him sing and had brought her. An old man sadly said, " Where's the snow That fell the year that's fled'? Where's the snow ?" As fruitless were the task Of many a joy to ask, As the suow ! * The Songs in this work will be published by Duff andJEIodgson, 65, Oxford-street HANDY ANDY. 71 The hope of airy birth, Like the snow, Is stain'd on reaching earth, Like the snow : While 'tis sparkling in the ray "Tis melting fast away, Like the snow. A cold deceitful thing Is the snow, Though it come on dove-like wing,- The false snow ! 'Tis but rain disguis'd appears ; And our hopes are frozen tears, Like the snow. A tear did course down Fanny's cheek as she read the last couplet ; and, closing the book and replacing it in the little basket, she sighed, ind said, "Poor fellow! T wish he were not so sad !" 72 HANDY ANDY CHAPTER VIII. LOVE is of as many patterns, cuts, shapes, and colours, as people's garments ; and the loves of Edward O'Connor and Fanny Dawson had very little resemblance to the tender passion which agitated the breast of the widow Flanagan, and made Tom Durfy her slave. Yet the widow and Tom demand the offices of the chronicler as well as the more elevated pair, and this our veracious history could never get on if we exhausted all our energies upon the more engaging personages, to the neglect of the rest ; your plated handles, scrolls, and mountings, are all very well on your carriage, but it could not move without its plain iron bolts. Now the reader must know something of the fair Mistress Flanagan, who was left in very comfortable circumstances by a niggardly husband, who did her the favour to die suddenly one day, to the no small satisfaction of the pleasure-loving widow, who married him in an odd sort of a hurry, and got rid of him as quickly. Mr. Flanagan was engaged in supplying the export provision trade, which, everyone knows, is considerable in Ireland ; and his dealings in beef and butter were ex- tensive. This brought him into contact with the farmers for many miles round, whom he met, not only every market day at every market town in the county, but at their own houses, where a knife and fork were always at the service of the rich buyer. One of these was a certain Mat Riley, who, on small means, managed to live, and rear a son and three bouncing, good-looking girls, who helped to make butter, feed calves, and superintend the education of pigs ; and on these active and comely lasses Mr. Flanagan often cast an eye of admiration, with a view to making one of them his wife ; for though he might have had his pick and choice of many fine girls in the towns he dealt in, he thought the simple, thrifty, and industrious habits of a plain farmer's daughter more likely to conduce to his happiness and profit, for in that, principally, lay the aforesaid happiness of Mr. Flanagan. Now this intention of honouring one of the three Miss Rileys with promo- tion, he never hinted at in the remotest degree, and even in his own mind the thought was mixed up with fat cattle and prices current ;* and it was not until a leisure moment, one day, when he was paying Mat Riley for some of his farming produce, that he broached the subject, thus : ' Mat." ' Sir." ' I'm thinkin* o' marrying." ' Well, she'll have a snug house, whoever she is, Misther Flanagan." ' Them's fine girls o' your's." Poor Mat opened his eyes with delight at the prospect of such a HANDY ANDY. 73 match for one of his daughters, and said they were " comely lumps o' girls, sure enough; but what was betther, they wor good." " That's what I'm thinking," says Flanagan. " There's two ten-poun 1 notes, and a five, and one is six, and one is seven ; and three tenpinnies is two and sixpence ; that's twenty-seven poun' two and sixpence ; eight- pence ha'penny is the lot ; but I haven't copper in my company, Mat." "Oh, no matther, Misther Flanagan. And is it one o' my colleens you've been throwin' the eye at, sir ? " " Yes, Mat, it is. You're askin' too much for them firkins." " Oh, Misther Flanagan, consider it's prime butther. I'll back/my girls for making up a bit o' butther agen any girls in Ireland ; and my cows is good, and the pasture prime." " 'Tis a farthin' a pound too high, Mat ; and the market not lively." " The butther is good, Misther Flanagan ; and not decenther girls in Ireland than the same girls, though I am their father." " I'm thinkin' I'll marry one o' them, Mat." " Sure an' it's proud I'll be, sir ; and which o' them is it, maybe ? " " Faith I don't know myself, Mat. Which do you think, yourself?" " Throth, myself doesn't know, they're all good. Nance is nice, and Biddy's biddable, and Kitty's cute." " You're a snug man, Mat ; you ought to be able to give a husband a thrifle with them." " Nothing worth your while, anyhow, Misther Flanagan. But sure one o' my girls without a rag to her back, or a tack to her feet, would be betther help to an honest industherin' man, than one o' your showy lantherumswash divils out of a town, that would spend more than she'd bring with her." " That's thrue, Mat. I'll marry one o' your girls, I think." " You'll have my blessin', sir ; and proud I'll be and proud the girl ought to be that I'll say. And suppose now you'd come over on Sun- day, and take share of a plain man's dinner, and take your pick o' the girls ; there's a fine bull goose that Nance towld me she'd have ready afther last mass ; for Father Ulick said he'd come and dine with us." " I can't, Mat ; I must be in the canal boat on Sunday ; but I'll go and breakfast with you to-morrow, on my way to Billy Mooney's, who has a fine lot of pigs to sell remarkable fine pigs." " Well, we'll expect you to breakfast, sir." " Mat ; there must be no nonsense about the wedding." " As you plase, sir," " Just marry her off, and take her home. Short reckonings make long friends." " Thrue for you, sir." " Nothing to give with the girl, you say ? " " My blessin' only, sir." " Well, you must throw in that butther, Mat, and take the farthin' off." " It's yours, sir," said Mat, delighted, loading Flanagan with " good byes " and '* God save you3," until they should meet next morning at breakfast. Mat rode home in great glee at the prospect of providing so well for one of his girls, and told them a man would be there the next morning 74 HANDY ANDY. to make choice of one of them for his wife. The girls, very naturally, inquired who the man was ; to which Mat, in the plenitude of patri- archal power, replied, "that was nothing to them ;" and his daughters had sufficient experience of his temper to know there was no use in asking more questions after such an answer. He only added, she would be " well off that should get him." Now, their father being such a bug-a- boo, it is no wonder the girls were willing to take the chance of a good- humoured husband instead of an iron-handed father ; so they set to work to make themselves as smart as possible for the approaching trial of their charms, and a battle royal ensued between the sisters as to the right and title to certain pieces of dress which were hitherto considered a sort of common property amongst them, and which the occasion of a fair, or a pattern,* or market-day, was enough to establish the possession of, by whichever of the girls went to the public place ; but now, when a husband was to be won, privilege of all sorts was pleaded, in which discussion there was more noise than sound reason, and so many violent measures to secure the envied morceaux, that some destruction of finery took place, where there was none to spare ; and, at last, seniority was agreed upon to decide the question of possession ; so that, when Nance had the first plunder of the chest which held all their clothes in common, and Biddy made the second grab, poor Kitty had little left but her ordi- nary rags to appear in. But as in the famous judgment on Ida's mount, it is hinted that Venus carried the day by her scarcity of drapery, so did Kitty conquer by want of clothes ; not that Love sat in judg- ment ; it was Plutus turned the 'scale. But, to leave metaphor and classic illustration, and go back to Mat Riley's cabin ; the girls were washing, and starching, and ironing all night, and the morning saw them arrayed for conquest ; Flanagan came, and breakfasted, and saw the three girls. A flashy silk handkerchief which Nancy wore, put her hors de combat very soon ; she was set down at once, in his mind, as extrava- gant. Biddy might have had a chance if she had made anything like a fair division with her youngest sister ; but Kitty had been so plundered that her shabbiness won an easy victory over the niggard's heart ; he saw in her " the making of a thrifty wife ;" besides which, she was possi- bly the best looking, and certainly the youngest of the three ; and there is no knowing how far old Flanagan might have been influenced by these considerations. He spoke very little to any of the girls ; but when he was leaving the house he said to the father, as he was shaking hands with him, " Mat, I'll do it;" and pointing at Kitty, he added, "That's the one I'll have.'' Great was the rage of the elder sisters, for Flanagan was notoriously a wealthy man, and when he quitted -the house, Kitty set up such a shout of laughter, that her father and sisters told her several times "not to- make a fool of herself." Still she laughed, and throughout the day sometimes broke out into sudden roars ; and while her sides shook with merriment, she would throw herself into a chair, or lean against the wall, to rest herself after the fatigue of her uproarious mirth, * A half-holy half-merry meeting held at some certain place on the day dedicated to the Saint who is supposed to be the patron of the spot : hence the name "pattern," HANDY ANDY. 75 Now Kitty, while she laughed at the discomfiture of her greedy sisters, also laughed at the mistake into which Mr. Flanagan had fallen ; for, as her father said of her, she was " cute," and she more than suspected the cause of Flanagan's choice, and enjoyed the anticipation of his disap- pointment, for she was fonder of dress than either Nancy or Biddy, and revelled in the notion of astonishing "the old niggard," as she called him ; and this she did " many a time and oft." In vain did Flanagan try to keep her extravagance within bounds. She would either wheedle, or reason, or bully, or shame him into doing what she said "was right and proper for a snug man like him." * His house was soon well furnished : she made him get her a jaunting car. She some- times would go to parties, and no one was better dressed than the woman he chose for her rags. He got enraged now and then ; but Kitty pacified him by soft words or daring inventions of her fertile fancy. Once, when he caught her in the fact of wearing a costly crimson silk gown, and stormed, she soothed him by telling him it was her old black one she had dyed ; and this bouncer, to the great amuse- ment of her female friends, he loved to repeat, as a proof of what a careful contriving creature he had in Kitty. She was naturally quick-witted. She managed him admirably, deceived him into being more comfortable than ever he had been before, and had the laudable ambition of en- deavouring to improve both his and her own condition in everyway. She set about educating herself, too, as far as her notions of education went ; and in a few years after her marriage, by judiciously using the means which her husband's wealth afforded her of advancing her position in society, no one could have recognised in the lively and well- dressed Mrs. Flanagan, the gawky daughter of a middling farmer. She was very good-natured, too, towards her sisters, whose condition she took care to improve with her own ; and a very fair match for the eldest was made through her means. The younger one was often staying in her house, dividing her time nearly between the town and her father's farm, and no party which Mrs. Flanagan gave or appeared at, went off without giving Biddy a chance to " settle herself in the world." This was not done without a battle now and then with old Flanagan, whose stinginess would exhibit itself upon occasion ; but at last all let and hinderance to the merry lady ceased, by the sudden death of her old husband, who left her the entire of his property, so that, for the first time, his will was her pleasure. After the funeral of the old man, the " disconsolate widow " was with- drawn from her own house by her brother and sister to the farm, which grew to be a much more comfortable place than when Kitty left it, for to have remained in her own house after the loss of " her good man," would have been too hard on " the lone woman." So said her sister and her brother, though, to judge from the widow's eyes, she was not very heart-broken : she cried as much, no doubt, as young widows generally do after old husbands, and could Kitty be expected to do more ? She had not been many days in her widowhood, when Biddy asked her to drive into the town, where Biddy had to do a little shopping, that great business of ladies' lives. 76 HANDY ANDY. " Oh, Biddy, dear, I must not go out so soon." " 'Twill do you good, Kitty." " I mustn't be seen, you know 'twouldn't be right, and poor dear Flanagan not buried a week !" " Sure, who'll see you ? We'll go in the covered car, and draw the curtains close, and who'll be the wiser?" " If I thought no one would see me !" said the widow. "Ah, who'll see you ?" exclaimed Biddy. "Come along; the drive will do you good." The widow agreed ; but when Biddy asked for a horse to put to the car, her brother refused, for the only horse not at work he was going to yoke in a cart that moment, to send a lamb to the town. Biddy vowed she would have a horse, and her brother swore the lamb should be served first, till Biddy made a compromise, and agreed to take the lamb under the seat of the car, and thus accommodate all parties. Matters being thus accommodated, off the ladies set, the lamb tied neck and heels, and crammed under the seat, and the curtains of the car ready to be drawn at a moment's notice, in case they should meet any one on the road ; for " why should not the poor widow enjoy the fresh air as they drove along?" About halfway to the town, however, the widow suddenly exclaimed, " Biddy, draw the curtains !" " What's the matter ?" says Biddy. " I see him coming after us round the turn o' the road I" and the widow looked so horrified, and plucked at the curtains so furiously, that Biddy, who was superstitious, thought nothing but old Flanagan's ghost could have produced such an effect ; and began to scream and utter holy ejaculations, until the sight of Tom Durfy riding after them showed her the cause of her sister's alarm. " If that divil, Tom Durfy, sees me, he'll tell it all over the country, he's such a quiz ; shove yourself well before the door there, Biddy, that he can't peep into the car. Oh, why did I come out this day ! I wish your tongue was cut out, Biddy, that asked me!" In the meantime Tom Durfy closed on them fast, and began tele- graphing Biddy, who, according to the widow's desire, had shoved her- self well before the door. " Pull up, Tim, pull up," said the widow, from the inside of the car, to the driver, whom she thumped in the back at the same time, to impress upon him her meaning, " turn about, and pretend to drive back! We'll let that fellow ride on," said she quietly to Biddy. Just as this manoeuvre was executed, up came Tom Durfy. " How are you, Miss Riley ?" said he, as he drew rein. " Pretty well, thank you," said Biddy, putting her head and shoulders +>i rough the window, while the widow shrunk back into the corner of tne car. " How very sudden poor Mr. Flanagan's death was ! I was quite surprised." "Yes, indeed," says Biddy, "I was just taking a little drive ; good by o." "I was very much shocked to hear of it," said Tom. * 'Twas dreadful," said Biddy. HANDY ANDY. 77 " How is poor Mrs. Flanagan ?" said Tom. "As well as can be expected, '-poor thing! good bye !" said Biddy, manifestly anxious to cut short the conference. This anxiety was so obvious to Tom, who, for the sake of fun, loved cross-purposes dearly, that he determined to push his conversation fur- ther, just because he saw it was unwelcome. " To be sure," continued he, " at his time of life " " Very true," said Biddy. " Good morning !" " And the season has been very unhealthy." " Doctor Growling told me so yesterday," said Biddy; "I wonder you're not afraid of stopping in this east wind : colds are very preva- lent. Good bye !" Just now, the Genius of farce, who presides so particularly over all Irish affairs, put it into the lamb's head to bleat. The sound at first did not strike Tom Durfy as singular, they being near a high hedge, within which it was likely enough a lamb might bleat ; but Biddy, shocked at the thought of being discovered in the fact of making her jaunting car a market cart, reddened up to the eyes, while the widow squeezed herself closer into the corner. Tom seeing the increasing embarrassment of Biddy, and her desire to be off, still would talk to her, for the love of mischief. "I beg your pardon," he continued, "just one moment more, I wanted to ask was it not apoplexy, for I heard an odd report about the death." " Oh, yes," says Biddy, " apoplexy good bye." " Did he speak at all ?" asked Tom. " Baa!" says the lamb. Tom cocked his ears, Biddy grew redder, and the widow crammed her handkerchief into her mouth to endeavour to smother her laughter. " I hope poor Mrs. Flanagan bears it well," says Tom. " Poor thing !" says Biddy, " she's inconsolable." " Baa-a!" says the lamb. Biddy spoke louder and faster, the widow kicked with laughing, and Tom then suspected whence the sound proceeded. " She does nothing but cry all day !" says Biddy. " Baa-a-a !" says the lamb. The widow could stand it no longer, and a peal of laughter followed the lamb's bleat. " What is all this ?" said Tom, laying hold of the curtains with relentless hand, and spite of Biddy's screams, rudely unveiling the sanctuary of sorrowing widowhood. Oh ! what a sight for the rising I beg their pardon the sinking generation of old gentlemen who take young wives, did Tom behold ! There was the widow, lying back in the corner, she who was represented as inconsolable and crying all day, shaking with laughter, and tears, not of sorrow, but irrepressible mirth rolling down a cheek rosy enough for a bride. Biddy, of course, joined the shout. Tom roared in an agony of delight. The very driver's risibility rebelled against the habits of respect, and strengthened the chorus, while the lamb, as if conscious of the authorship of the joke, put in a longer and louder baa-a-a-a ! ! / 78 HANDY ANDY. Tom, with all his devilment, had good taste enough to feel it was not a scene to linger on ; so merely giving a merry nod to each of the ladies, he turned about his horse as fast as he could, and rode away in roars of laughter. When, in due course of time, the widow again appeared in company, she and Tom Durfy could never meet without smiling at each other. What a pleasant influence lies in mutual smiles ; we love the lips which welcome us without words ! Such sympathetic influence it was that led the widow and Tom to get better and better acquainted, and like each other more and more, until she thought him the pleasantest fellow in the county, and he thought her the handsomest woman : besides, she had a good fortune. The widow, conscious of her charms and her money, did not let Tom, however, lead the quietest life in the world. She liked, with the un- failing propensity of her sex, to vex the man she loved, now and then, and assert her sway over so good-looking a fellow. He, in his turn, played off the widow very well ; and one unfailing source of a mirthful reconciliation on Tom's part, whenever the widow was angry, and that he wanted to bring her back to good humour, was to steal behind her chair, and coaxingly putting his head over her fair shoulder, to pat her gently on her peachy cheek, and cry " Baa /" HANDY ANDY, 79 CHAPTER IX. ANDY was in sad disgrace for some days with his mother ; but, like all mothers, she soon forgave the blunders of her son, and indeed mothers are well off who have not more than blunders to forgive. Andy did all in his power to make himself useful at home, now that he was out of place and dependent on his mother, and got a day's work here and there when he could. Fortunately the season afforded him more employment than winter months would have done. But the farmers had soon all their crops made up, and when Andy could find no work to be paid for, he set-to to cut the " scrap o' meadow,'' as he called it, on a small field of his mother's. Indeed, it was but a " scrap," for the place where it grew was one of those broken bits of ground, so common in the vicinity of mountain ranges, where rocks, protruding through the soil, give the notion of a very fine crop of stones. Now, this locality gave to Andy the opportunity of exercising a bit of his characteristic ingenuity ; for when the hay was ready for " cocking," he selected a good thumping rock as the founda- tion for his haystack, and the superstructure consequently cut a more respectable figure than one could have anticipated from the appearance of the little crop as it lay on the ground ; and as no vestige of the rock was visible, the widow, when she came out to see the work completed, wondered and rejoiced at the size of her haystack, and said, " God bless you, Andy, but you're the natest hand for puttin' up a bit o' hay I ever seen: throth, I did'nt think there was the half of it in it!" Little did the widow know that the cock of hay was as great a cheat as a bottle of champagne more than half bottom. It was all very well for the widow to admire her hay ; but at last she came to sell it, and such sales are generally effected in Ireland by the purchaser buying " in the lump," as it is called, that is, calculating the value of the hay from the appearance of the stack, as it stands, and drawing it away upon his own cars. Now, as luck would have it, it was Andy's early acquaintance, Owny na Coppal, bought the hay ; and in consideration of the lone woman, gave her as good a price as he could afford, for Owny was an honest, open-hearted fellow, though he was a horse- dealer ; so he paid the widow the price of her hay on the spot, and said he would draw it away at his convenience. In a few days Owny's cars and men were sent for this purpose ; but when they came to take the haystack to pieces, the solidity of its centre rather astonished them, and instead of the cars going back loaded, two had their journey for nothing, and went home empty. Previously to his men leaving the widow's field they spoke to her on the subject, and said, 80 HANDY ANDY. " Ton my conscience, ma'am, the centre o' your haystack was mighty heavy." " Oh, indeed, it's powerful hay," said she. " Maybe so," said they ; " but there's no': much nourishment in that part of it." " Not finer hay in Ireland," said she. " What's of it, ma'am," said they. " Faix, we think Mr. Doyle will be talkin' to you about it." And they were quite right ; for Owny became indignant at being overreached, as he thought, and lost no time in going to the widow to tell her so. When he arrived at her cabin, Andy happened to be in the house ; and when the widow raised her voice through the storm of Owny's rage, in protestations that she knew nothing about it, but that " Andy, the darlin', put the cock up with his own hands," then did Owny's passion gather strength. " Oh ! it's you, you vagabone, is it ?" said he, shaking his whip at Andy, with whom he never had had the honour of a conversation since the memorable day when his horse was nearly killed. " So this is more o' your purty work ! Bad cess to you ! wasn't it enough for you to nighhand kill one o' my horses, without plottin' to chate the rest o' them ?" " Is it me chate them ?" said Andy. " Throth, I wouldn't wrong a dumb baste for the world." " Not he, indeed, Misther Doyle," said the widow. " Arrah, woman, don't be talkin' your balderdash to me," said Doyle ; " sure s you took my good money for your hay ?" " And sure I gave all I had to you, what more could I do ?" " Tare an ounty, woman ! who ever heerd of sich a thing as coverin 1 up a rock wid hay, and sellin' it as the rale thing." " 'Twas Andy done it, Mr. Doyle ; hand, act, or part, I hadn't in it." "Why, then, arn't you ashamed o' yourself?" said Owny Doyle, addressing Andy. " Why would I be ashamed ?" said Andy. " For chatin' that's the word, sinse you provoke me." " What. I done is no chatin'," said Andy ; " I had a blessed example for it." " Oh ! do you hear this ?" shouted Owny, nearly provoked to take the-worth of his money out of Andy's ribs. " Yes, I say a blessed example," said Andy. " Sure didn't the blessed Saint Pether build his church upon a rock, and why shouldn't I build my cock o' hay on a rock?" Owny, with all his rage, could not help laughing at the ridiculous conceit. "By this and that, Andy," said he, " you're always sayin' or doin' the quarest things in the counthry, bad cess to you !" So he laid his whip upon his little hack instead of Andy, and galloped off. Andy went over next day to the neighbouring town, where Owny Doyle kept a little inn and a couple of post-chaises (such as they were), and expressed much sorrow that Owny had been deceived by the appearance of the hay, "But I'll pay you the differ out o' my wages, Misther Doyle, in throth I will, that is, whenever I have any wagas HANDY ANDY. 8i to get, for the Squire turned me off, you see, and I'm out of place at this present." " Oh, never mind it," said Owny. " Sure it was the widow woman got the money, and I don't begrudge it ; and now that it's all past and gone, I forgive you. But tell me, Andy, what put sich a quare thing in your head ?" " Why, you see," said Andy, " I didn't like the poor mother's pride should be let down in the eyes o' the neighbours ; and so I made the weeshy bit o' hay look as dacent as I could, but at the same time I wouldn't chate any one for the world, Misther Doyle." " Throth, I b'lieve you wouldn't, Andy ; but, 'pon my sowl, the next time I go buy hay I'll take care that Saint Pether hasn't any hand in it." Owny turned on his heel, and was walking away with that air of satisfaction which men so commonly assume after fancying they have said a good thing, when Andy interrupted his retreat by an interjec- tional " Misther Doyle." " Well," said Owny, looking over his shoulder. " I was thinkin', sir," said Andy. " For the first time in your life, I b'lieve," said Owny ; " and what was it you wor thinkin'? " " I was thinkin' o' dhrivin' a chay, sir." <( And what's that to me ?" said Owny. " Sure, I might dhrive one o' your chaises." " And kill more o' my horses, Andy, eh ? No, no, faix ; I'm afeerd o' you, Andy.'' " Not a boy in Ireland knows dhrivin' betther nor me, any way," said Andy. " Faix, it's any way and every way but the way you ought, you'd dhrive, sure enough, I b'lieve : but at all events, I don't want a post- boy, Andy, I have Micky Doolin, and his brother Pether and them's enough for me." " Maybe you'd be wantin' a helper in the stable, Misther Doyle ?" " No, Andy ; but the first time T want to make hay to advantage I'll send for you," said Owny, laughing as he entered his house, and nodding at Andy, who returned a capacious grin to Owny's shrewd smile, like the exaggerated reflection of a concave mirror. But the grin soon subsided, for men seldom prolong the laugh that is raised at their expense ; and the corners of Andy's mouth turned down as his hand turned up to the back of his head, which he rubbed as he sauntered down the street from Owny Doyle's. It was some miles to Andy's home, and night overtook him on the way. As he trudged along in the middle of the road, he was looking up at a waning moon and some few stars twinkling through the gloom, absorbed in many sublime thoughts as to their existence, and wondering what they were made of, when his cogitations were cut short by tumbling over something which lay in the middle of the highway; and on scramb- ling to his legs again, and seeking to investigate the cause of his fall, he was rather surprised to find a man lying in such a state of insensibility that all Andy's efforts could not rouse him. While he was standing 82 HANDY ANDY. over him, undecided as to what he should do, the sound of approaching wheels, and the rapid steps of galloping horses, attracted his attention ; and it became evident that unless the chaise and pair which he now saw in advance were brought to a pull up, the cares of the man in the middle of the road would be very soon over. Andy shouted lustily, but to every " Halloo there!" he gave, the crack of a whip replied, and accele- rated speed, instead of a halt, was the consequence ; at last, in despe- ration, Andy planted himself in the middle of the road, and with outspread arms before the horses, succeeded in arresting their pro- gress, while he shouted " Stop !" at the top of his voice. A pistol shot from the chaise was the consequence of Andy's summons, for a certain Mr. Furlong, a foppish young gentleman, travelling from the castle of Dublin, never dreamed that a humane purpose could pro- duce the cry of " Stop " on a horrid Irish road ; and as he was reared in the ridiculous belief that every man ran a great risk of his life who ventured outside the city of Dublin, he travelled with a brace of loaded pistols beside him ; and as he had been anticipating murder and robbery ever since night-fall, he did not await the demand for his " money or liis life " to defend both, but fired away the instant he heard the word " Stop ;" and fortunate it was for Andy that the traveller's hurry im- paired his aim. Before he could discharge a second pistol, Andy had screened himself under the horses' heads, and recognising in the pos- tilion his friend Micky Doolin, he shouted out, " Micky, jewel, don't let them be shootin' me !" Now Micky's cares were quite enough engaged on his own account ; for the first pistol shot made the horses plunge violently, and the second time Furlong blazed away, set the saddle-horse kicking at such a rate that all Micky's horsemanship was required to preserve his seat. Added to which, the dread of being shot came over him ; and he crouched low on the grey's neck, holding fast by the mane, and shouting for mercy as well as Andy, who still kept roaring to Mick, " not to let them be shootin' him," while he held his hat above him, in the fashion of a shield, as if that would have proved any protection against a bullet. " Who are you at all ?" said Mick. " Andy Rooney, sure." " And what do you want ?" " To save the man's life." The last words only caught the ear of the frightened Furlong ; and as the phrase " his life " seemed a personal threat to himself, he swore a trembling oath at the postilion that he would shoot him if he did not dwive on, for he abjured the use of that rough letter, 11, which the Irish so much rejoice in. " Dwive on, you wascal, dwive on !" exclaimed Mr. Furlong. ;< There's no fear o' you, sir," said Micky, "it's a friend o' my own." Mr. Furlong was not quite satisfied that he was therefore the safer. ' And what is it at all, Andy ?" continued Mick. I tell you there's a man lying dead in the road there, and sure you'll kill him if you dhrive over him : 'light, will you, and help me to rise him." HANDY ANDY. 83 Mick dismounted and assisted Andy in lifting the prostrate man from the centre of the road to the slope of turf which bordered its side. They judged he was not dead, from the warmth of the body, but that he should still sleep seemed astonishing, considering the quantity of shaking and kicking they gave him. " I b'lieve it's dhrunk he is," said Mick. " He gave a grunt that time," said Andy, " shake him again and he'll spake." To a fresh shaking the drunken man at last gave some tokens of returning consciousness by making several winding blows at his bene- factors, and uttering some half intelligent maledictions. " Bad luck to you, do you know where you are ? " said Mick. " Well ! " was the drunken ejaculation. " By this and that it's my brother Pether ! " said Mick. " We wondhered what had kept him so late with the return shay, and this is the way, is it ? he tumbled off his horses, dhrunk : and where's the shay, I wonder ? Oh, murdher ! What will Misther Doyle say ? " "What's the weason you don't dwive on 1" said Mr. Furlong, put- ting his head out of the chaise. " It's one on the road here, your honour, a'most killed." " Was it wobbers ? " asked Mr. Furlong. " Maybe you'd take him into the shay wid you, sir," " What a wequest ! dwive on, sir ! " " Sure I can't lave my brother on the road, sir." " Your bwother ! and you pwesume to put your bwother to wide with me ? You'll put me in the debdest wage if you don't dwive on." " Faith, then, I won't dhrive on and lave my brother here on the road." " You wascally wappawee ! " exclaimed Furlong. " See, Andy," said Micky Doolin, " will you get up and dhrive him, while I stay with Pether ? " ' To be sure I will," said Andy. lf Where is he goin'? " "To the Squire's," said Mick; "and when you lave him there, make haste back, and I'll dhrive Pether home." Andy mounted into Mick's saddle ; and although the traveller " pwo- tested" against it, and threatened " pwoceedings " and " magistwates," Mick was unmoved in his brotherly love. As a last remonstrance, Furlong exclaimed, " And pwehaps this fellow can't wide, and don't know the woad." " Is it not know the road to the Squire's ? wow ! wow !" said Andy. "It's I that'll rattle you there in no time, your honour." " Well, wattle away then ! " said the enraged traveller, as he threw himself back in the chaise, cursing all the postilions in Ireland. Now it was to Squire O'Grady's that Mr. Furlong wanted to go ; but in the confusion of the moment the name of O'Grady never once was mentioned ; and with the title of " Squire " Andy never associated another idea than that of his late master, Mr. Egan. Mr. Furlong, it has been stated, was an official of Dublin Castle, and had been despatched on electioneering business, to the county. He was related to a gentleman of the same name, who held a lucrative post G 2 84 HANDY ANDY. under government, and was well known as an active agent in all affairs requiring what in Ireland was called " Castle influence ; " and this, his relative, was now despatched, for the first time, on a similar employ- ment. By the way, while his name is before one, a little anecdote may be appropriately introduced, illustrative of the wild waggery prevailing in the streets of Dublin in those days. Those days were the good old days of true virtue! When a bishop, who had daughters to marry, would advance a deserving young curate to a good living ; and, not content with that manifestation of his regard, would give him one of his own children for a wife ! Those were the days, when, the country being in danger, fathers were willing to sacri- fice, not only their sons, but their daughters, on the altar of patriotism ! Do you doubt it ? unbelieving and selfish creatures of these degenerate times! Listen ! A certain father waited upon the Irish Secretary one fine morning, and in that peculiar strain which secretaries of state must be pretty well used to, descanted at some length on the devotion he had always shown to the government, and yet they had given him no proof of their confidence. The Secretary declared they had the highest sense of his merits, and that they had given him their entire confidence. " But you have given me nothing else, my lord," was the answer. " My dear sir, of late we have not had any proof of sufficient weight in our gift to convince you." " Oh, I beg your pardon, rny lord ; there's a majority of the Dragoons vacant." " Very true, my dear sir ; and if you had a child to devote to the service of your country, no one should have it sooner." " Thank you, my lord ! ! ! " said the worthy man, with a low bow, CHAPTER XL ALL men love to gain their ends ; most men are contented with the shortest road to them, while others like by-paths. Some carry an innate love of triumph to a pitch of epicurism, and are not content un- less the triumph be achieved in a certain way, making collateral passions accessories before or after the fact ; and Murphy was of the number. To him, a triumph without fun was beef without mustard, lamb without salad, turbot without lobster sauce. Now, to entangle Furlong in their meshes was not sufficient for him ; to detain him from his friends, every moment betraying something of their electioneering movements, though sufficiently ludicrous in itself, was not enough for Murtough ; he would make his captive a source of ridicule as well as profit, and while plenty of real amusements might have served his end, to divert the stranger for the day, this mock fishing party was planned to brighten with fresh beams the halo of the ridiculous which already encircled the magnanimous Furlong. "I'm still in the dark," said Dick, "about the salmon. As I said before, there never was a salmon in the river." " But, as I said before," replied Murphy, " there will be to-day ; and you must help me in playing off the trick." " But what is this trick ? Confound you, you're as mysterious as a chancery suit." " I wish I was likely to last half as long," said Murphy. "The trick !" said Dick. " Bad luck to you, tell me the trick, and don't keep me waiting, like a poor relation." "You have two boats on the river," said Murphy. "Yes." "Well, you must get into one with our victim : and I will get into the other with the salmon." ''But where's the salmon, Murphy ?" "In the house, for I sent one over this morning, a present to Mrs. Egan. You must keep away about thirty yards or so, when we get afloat, that our dear friend may not perceive the trick, and in proper time I will hook my dead salmon on one of my lines, drop him over the off side of the boat, pass him round to the gunwale within view of our intelligent castle customer, make a great outcry, swear I have a nobie bite, haul up my fish with an enormous splash, and after affecting to kill him in the boat, hold up my salmon in triumph." "It's a capital notion, Murphy, if he doesn't smoke the trick." " He'll smoke the salmon sooner. Never mind, if I don't hoax him : I'll bet you what you like he's done." 98 HANDY ANDY. " I hear him coming down stairs," said the squire. "Then send off the salmon in a basket by one of the boys, Dick," said Murphy ; " and you, Squire, may go about your canvass, and leave us in care of the enemy." All was done as Murphy proposed, and in something less than an hour, Furlong and Dick in one boat, and Murphy and his attendant gossoon in another, were afloat on the river, to initiate the Dublin citizen into the mysteries of this new mode of salmon fishing. The sport at first was slack, and no wonder ; and Furlong began to grow tired, when Murphy hooked on his salmon, and gently brought it round under the water within range of his victim's observation. " This is wather dull work," said Furlong. "Wait awhile, my dear sir; they are never lively in biting so early as this they're not set about feeding in earnest yet. Hilloa ! by the Hokey I have him !" shouted Murphy. Furlong looked on with great anxiety as Murphy made a well-feigned struggle with a heavy fish. " By this and that he's a whopper !" cried Murphy in ecstasy. " He's kicking like a two-year-old. I have him, though, as fast as the rock o' Dunamase. Come up, you thief!" cried he, with an exulting shout, as he pulled up the salmon with all the splash he could produce ; and sud- denly whipping the fish over the side into the boat, he began flopping it about as if it were plunging in the death struggle. As soon as he had affected to kill it, he held it up in triumph before the castle con- juror, who was quite taken in by the feint, and protested his surprise loudly. t( Oh ! that's nothing to what we'll do yet. If the day should become a little more overcast, we'd have a splendid sport, sir." " Well, I could not have believed it, if I hadn't seen it," said Furlong. " Oh ! you'll see more than that, my boy, before we've done with them." " But I haven't got even a bite yet." "Nor I either," said Dick : "you're not worse off than I am." " But how extwaordinawy it is that I have not seen a fish wise since I have been on the wiver." " That's because they see us watching them," said Dick. " The d 1 such cunning brutes I ever met with as the fish in this river : now, if you were at a distance from the bank you'd see them jumping as lively as grasshoppers. Whisht ! I think I had a nibble." " You don't seem to have good sport there," shouted Murphy. "Vewypoo" indeed," said Furlong, dolefully. ''Play your line a little," said Murphy; " keep the bait lively you're not up to the way of fascinating them yet." " Why no ; it's rather noo to me." "Faith!" said Murphy to himself, "it's new to all of us. It's a bran new invention in the fishing line. Billy," said he to the gossoon, who was in the boat with him, " we must catch a salmon again to divart that strange gentleman ; hook him on, my buck." " Yis, sir," said Billy with delighted eagerness ; for the boy entered into the fun of the thing heart and soul, and as he hooked on the salmon for a second haul, he interlarded hia labours with such ejaculations as, HANDY ANDY. 99 " Oh, Misther Murphy, sir, but you're the funny jintleman. Oh, Misther Murphy, sir, how soft the stranger is, sir. The salmon's ready for ketchin' now, sir. Will you ketch him yet, sir ?" " Coax him round, Billy," said Murphy. The young imp executed the manoeuvre with adroitness ; and Murphy was preparing for another haul, as Furlong's weariness began to mani- fest itself. " Do you intend wemaining here all day ? do you know, I think I've no chance of any spo't." " Oh, wait till you hook one fish, at all events," said Murphy ; "just have it to say you killed a salmon in the new style. The day is pro- mising better. I'm sure we'll have sport yet. Hilloa! I've another!" and Murphy began hauling in the salmon. " Billy, you rascal, get ready : watch him that's it mind him now !" Billy put out his gaff to seize the prize, and, making a grand swoop, affected to miss the fish. " Gaff him, you thief, gaft him !" shouted Murphy ; " gaff him, or he'll be off." " Oh, he's so lively, sir !" roared Billy; "he's a rogue, sir he won't let me put the gaff undher him, sir ow, he slipp'd away agin." l sure you wouldn't leave the thirsty curse on my kitchen ? you must take a dhrop before you go ; besides, the dogs about the place would ate you, onless there was some one they knew along wid you ; and sure, if a dog bit you, you couldn't dhrink wather afther, let alone a dhrop o' beer, or a thrifle o' sper'ts : isn't that thrue, Misther Hogan ?" " Indeed, an' it is, ma'am," answered Larry ; " no one can dhrink afther a dog bites them, and that's the rayson that the larn'd fackleties calls the disaise high-dhry '' " High-dhry what ?" asked the cook. " That's what I'm thinkin' of," said Larry. " High-dhry high- dhry something." " There's high-dhry snuff," said the cook. " Oh, no no, no, ma'am !" said Larry, waving his hand and shaking his head, as if unwilling to be interrupted in endeavouring to recall Some fleeting remembrance, "high-dhry po po something about po ; faith, it's not unlike popery," said Larry. " Don't say popery," cried the cook ; "it's a dirty word ! Say Roman Catholic, when you spake of the faith.' "Do you think /would undhervalue the faith?" said Larry, casting up his eyes. " Oh, Missis Mulligan, you know little of me ; d'you think I would undhervalue what is my hope past, present, and to come? what makes our hearts light when our lot is heavy? what makes us love our neighbour as ourselves ? " t " Indeed, Misther Hogan," broke in the cook " I never knew any HANDY ANDY. 127 one fonder of calling in on a neighbour than yourself, particularly about dinner-time " What makes us," said Larry, who would not let the cook interrupt his outpouring of pious eloquence; "what makes us fierce in pros- perity to our friends, and meek in adversity to our inimies ?" " Oh! Misther Hogan !" said the cook, blessing herself. " What puts the leg undher you when you are in throuble ? why, your faith : what makes you below deceit, and above reproach, and on neither side of nothin'? " Larry slapped the table like a prime minister, and there was no opposition. " Oh, Missis Mulligan, do you think 1 would desaive or bethray my fellow-crayture ? Oh, no I would not wrong the child unborn,'' and this favourite phrase of Larry (and other rascals) was and is, unconsciously, true : for people, most generally, must be born before they can be much wronged. " Oh, Missis Mulligan," said Larry, with a devotional appeal of his eyes to the ceiling, " be at war with sin, and you'll be at paice with yourself! " Just as Larry wound up his pious peroration, Mick shoved in the door against which the cook supported herself, and told Andy the Squire said he should not leave the hall that night. Andy looked aghast. Again Larry Hogan'-. .eye was on him. " Sure I can come back here in the mornin', 1 ' said Andy, who at the moment he spoke was conscious of the intention of being some forty miles out of the place before dawn, if he could get away. " When the Squire says a thing, it must be done," said Mick. " You must sleep here." " And pleasant dhrames to you," said Larry, who saw Andy wince under his kindly-worded stab. <( And where must I sleep ?" asked Andy, dolefully. " Out in the big loft," said Mick. " I'll show you the way," said Larry ; " I'm goin' to sleep there my- self to-night, for it would be too far to go home. Good night, Mrs. Mulligan good night, Micky come along, Andy." Andy followed Hogan; they had to cross a yard to reach the stables; the night was clear, and the waning moon shed a steady though not a bright light on the enclosure. Hogan cast a lynx eye around him to see if the coast were clear ; and satisfying himself it was, he laid his hand i impressively on Andy's arm as they reached the middle of the yard, and setting Andy's face right against the moonlight, so that he might watch the slightest expression, he paused for a moment before he spoke ; and when he spoke, it was in a low mysterious whisper, low, as if he feared the night breeze might hear: and the words were few, but potent, which he uttered ; they were these, " Who robbed the post office ? '' The result quite satisfied Hogan ; and he knew how to turn his knowledge to account. O'Grady and Egan were no longer friends ; a political contest was pending ; letters were missing ; Andy had been Egan's servant; and Larry Hogan had enough of that mental chemical 128 HANDY ANDY. power, which, from a few raw facts, unimportant separately, could make a combination of great value. Soon after breakfast at Merryvale the following morning, Mrs. Egan wanted to see the squire. She went to his sitting-room it was bolted. He told her, from the inside, he was engaged just then, but would see her by and by. She retired to the drawing-room, where Fanny was singing. " Oh, Fanny," said her sister, " sing me that dear new song of ' the voices' 'tis so sweet, and must be felt by those who, like me, have a happy home." Fanny struck a few notes of a wild and peculiar symphony, and sang her sister's favourite. Uofce foitfjm. You ask the dearest place on earth, Whose simple joys can never die ; 'Tis the holy pale of the happy hearth, Where love doth light each beaming eye ! With snowy shroud Let tempests loud Around my old tower raise their din ; What boots the shout Of storms without, While voices sweet resound within ? O ! dearer sound For the tempest round, The voices sweet within ! I ask not wealth, I ask not power ; But, gracious Heaven, oh, grant to me That, when the storms of Fate may lower, My heart just like my home may be ! When in the gale Poor Hope's white sail No haven can for shelter win, Fate's darkest skies The heart defies Whose still small voice is sweet within ! Oh heavenly sound ! 'Mid the tempest round, That voice so sweet within ! Egan had entered as Fanny was singing the second verse ; he wore a troubled air, which his wife, at first, did not remark. " Is not that a sweet song, Edward ? " said she. " No one ought to like it more than you, for your home is your happiness, and no one has a clearer conscience." Egan kissed her gently, thanked her for her good opinion and asked what she wished to say to him : they left the room. Fanny remarked Egan's unusually troubled air, and it marred her music : leaving the piano, and walking to the window, she saw Larry Hogan walking from the house, down the avenue. HANDY ANDY. 129 CHAPTER XV. IF the morning brought uneasiness and distrust to Merryvale, it dawned not more brightly on Neck-or-Nothing Hall. The discord of the former night was not preparatory to a harmony on the morrow, and the parties separating in ill-humour from the drawing-room, were not likely to look forward with much pleasure to the breakfast-parlour. But before breakfast, sleep was to intervene that is, for those who could get it, and the unfortunate Furlong was not amongst the number. Despite the very best feather-bed Mrs. O'Grady had selected for him from amongst her treasures, it was long before slumber weighed down his feverish eye-lids ; and even then, it was only to have them opened again in some convulsive start of a troubled dream. All his adventures of the last four-and- twenty hours were jumbled together in strange con- fusion: now on a lonely road, while dreading the assaults of robbers, his course was interrupted not by a highwayman, but a river, whereon em- barking, he began to catch salmon in a most surprisingly rapid manner; but just as he was about to haul in his fish, it escaped from the hookj and the salmon, making wry faces at him, very impertinently exclaimed; " Sure, you would'nt catch a poor ignorant Irish salmon ? " he then snapped his pistols at the insolent fish, and then his carriage breaks down, and he is suddenly transferred from the river to the road ; thieves seize upon him and bind his hands, but a charming young lady with pearly teeth cuts his bonds, and conducts him to a castle where a party are engaged in playing cards ; he is invited to join, and as his cards are dealt to him, he anticipates triumph in the game, but by some mali- cious fortune his trumps are transformed into things of no value, as they touch the board ; he loses his money, and is kicked out when his purse has been emptied, and he escapes along a dark road, pursued by his spoilers, who would take his life, and a horrid cry of " broiled bones" rings in his ears as he flies ; he is seized and thrown into a river j where, as he sinks, the salmon raise a chorus of rejoicing, and he wakes, in the agonies of drowning, to find himself nearly suffocated by sinking into the feathery depths of Mrs. O'Grady's pet bed. After a night passed in such troubled visions, poor Furlong awoke unrefreshed, and, with bitter recollections of the past and mournful anticipations of the future, arose, and prepared to descend to the parlour, where a servant told hiir. breakfast was ready. His morning greeting by the family was not of that hearty and cheer- ful character which generally distinguishes the house of an Irish squire ; for though O'Grady was not so savage as on the preceding evening, he was rather gruff, and the ladies dreaded being agreeable when the master's temper blew from a stormy point. Furlong could not help 130 HANDY ANDY. regretting at this moment the lively breakfast-table of Merryvale, nor avoid contrasting to disadvantage the two Miss O'Gradys with Fanny Dawson. Augusta, the eldest, inherited the prominent nose of her father, and something of his upper lip, too, beard included ; and these, un- fortunately, were all she was ever likely to inherit from him ; and Charlotte, the younger, had the same traits in a moderated degree. Altogether, he thought the girls the plainest he had ever seen, and the house more horrible than anything that was ever imagined ; and he sighed a faint fashionable sigh, to think his political duties had expelled him from a paradise to send him " The other way the other way!" Four boys and a little girl sat at a side-table, where a capacious jug of milk, large bowls, and a lusty loaf, were laid under contribution amidst a suppressed but continuous wrangle, which was going forward amongst the juniors ; and a snappish " I will," or " I won't," a " Let me alone," or a " Behave yourself," occasionally was distinguishable above the mur- mur of dissatisfaction. A little squall from the little girl at last made O'Grady turn round and swear that if they did not behave themselves, he'd turn them all out. " It is all Goggy, sir," said the girl. " No, it's not, you dirty little thing," cried George, whose name was thus euphoniously abbreviated. " He's putting " said the girl with excitement. " Ah, you dirty little " interrupted Goggy, in a low contemp- tuous tone. " He's putting, sir," " Whisht ! you young devils, will you ! " cried O'Grady, and a momen- tary silence prevailed; but the little girl snivelled, and put up her bib* to wipe her eyes, while Goggy put out his tongue at her. Many minutes had not elapsed when the girl again whimpered : " Call to Goggy, papa ; he's putting some mouse's tails into my milk, sir." " Ah, you dirty little tell-tale ! " cried Goggy reproachfully ; " a tell- tale is worse than a mouse's-tail." O'Grady jumped up, gave Master Goggy a box on the ear, and then caught him by the aforesaid appendage to his head, and as he led him to the door by the same, Goggy bellowed lustily, and when ejected from the room howled down the passage more like a dog than a human being. O'Grady, on resuming his seat, told Polshee f (the little girl) she was always getting Goggy a beating, and she was a little cantan- kerous cat and a dirty tell-tale, as Goggy said. Amongst the ladies and Furlong the breakfast went forward with coldness and constraint, and all were glad when it was nearly over. At this period, Mrs. O'Grady half filled a large bowl from the tea-urn, and then added to it some weak tea, and Miss O'Grady collected all the broken bread about the table on a plate. Just then Furlong ventured to "twouble" Mrs. O'Grady for a leetle more tea, and before he handed her his cup, he * Pinafore. f Mary. HANDY ANDY. 131 would have emptied the sediment in the slop-basin, but by mistake he popped it into the large bowl of miserable Mrs. O'Grady had prepared. Furlong begged a thousand apologies, but Mrs. O'Grady assured him it was of no consequence, as it was only for the tutor. O'Grady, having swallowed his breakfast as fast as possible, left the room ; the whole party soon followed, and on arriving in the drawing- room, the young ladies became more agreeable when no longer under the constraint of their ogre father. Furlong talked slip-slop common- places with them ; they spoke of the country and the weather, and he of the city ; they assured him that the dews were heavy in the evening, and that the grass was so green in that part of the country ; he obliged them with the interesting information that the Liffy ran through Dub- lin, but that the two sides of the city communicated by means of bridges that the houses were built of red brick generally, and that the hall- doors were painted in imitation of mahogany ; to which the young ladies responded, " La, how odd !" and added, that in the country people mostly painted their hall-doors green, to match the grass. Furlong admitted the propriety of the proceeding, and said he liked uniformity. The young ladies quite coincided in his opinion, declared they all were so fond of uniformity ! and added, that one of their carriage horses was blind. Furlong admitted the excellence of the observation, and said, in a very soft voice, that Love was blind also. " Exactly," said Miss O'Grady, " and that's the reason we call our horse ' Cupid ! ' ' " How clever! " replied Furlong. " And the mare that goes in harness with him she's an ugly creature, to be sure but we call her ' Venus.' " "How dwoll ! " said Furlong. " That's for uniformity," said Miss O'Grady. " How good ! " was the rejoinder. Mrs. O'Grady, who had left the room for a few minutes, now returned, and told Furlong she would show him over the house, if he pleased. He assented, of course, and under her guidance went through many apart- ments : those on the basement story were hurried through rapidly, but when Mrs. O'Grady got him up stairs, amongst the bed-rooms, she dwelt on the excellence of every apartment. " This I need not show you, Mr. Furlong, 'tis your own ; I hope you slept well last night." This was the twentieth time the question had been asked. " Now, here is another, Mr. Furlong ; the window looks out on the lawn ; so nice to look out on a lawn, I think, in the morning, when one gets up ! so refreshing and wholesome ! Oh ! you are looking at the stain in the ceiling, but we couldn't get the roof repaired in time before the winter set in last year, and Mr. O'Grady thought we might as well have the painters and slaters together in the summer and the house does want paint indeed but we all hate the smell of paint. See here, Mister Fur- long," and she turned up a quilt as she spoke, "just put your hand into that bed ; did you ever feel a finer bed ? " Furlong declared he never did. " Oh, you don't know how to feel a bed ! put your hand into it well, K 2 132 HANDY ANDY. that way ;" and Mrs. O'Grady plunged her arm up to the elbow into the object of her admiration. Furlong poked the bed, and was all admiration. " Isn't it beautiful ? " " Cha'ming ! " replied Furlong, trying to pick off the bits of down which clung to his coat. " Oh, never mind the down, you shall be brushed after ; I always show my beds, Mr. Furlong. Now, here's another; " and so she went on, dragging poor Furlong up and down the house, and he did not get out of her clutches till he had poked all the beds in the establishment. As soon as that ceremony was over, and that his coat had undergone the process of brushing, he wished to take a stroll, and was going forth, when Mrs. O'Grady interrupted him, with the assurance that it would not be safe unless some one of the family became his escort, for the dogs were so fierce Mr. O'Grady was so fond of dogs, and so proud of a particular breed of dogs he had, so remarkable for their courage, he had better wait till the boys had done their Latin lesson. So Furlong was marched back to the drawing-room. There the younger daughter addressed him with a message from her grandmama, who wished to have the pleasure of making his acquaint- ance, and hoped he would pay her a visit. Furlong, of course, was " quite delighted" and " too happy," and the young lady, thereupon, led him to the old lady's apartment. The old dowager had been a beauty in her youth, and one of the belles of the Irish court, and when sh.e heard " a gentleman from Dublin Castle " was in the house, she desired to see him. To see any one from that seat of her juvenile joys and triumphs would have given her delight, were it only the coachman that had driven a carriage to a levee or a drawing-room; she could ask him about the sentinels at the gate, the entrance-porch, and if the long range of windows yet glittered with lights on St. Patrick's night ; but to have a conversation with an official from that seat of government and courtly pleasure, was, indeed, some- thing to make her happy. On Furlong being introduced, the old lady received him very cour- teously, at the same time with a certain air that betokened she was accustomed to deference. Her commanding figure was habited in a loose morning wrapper, made of grey flannel ; but while this gave evidence she studied her personal comfort rather than appearance, a bit of pretty silk handkerchief about the neck, very knowingly displayed, and a becoming ribbon in her cap, showed she did not quite neglect her good looks ; it did not require a very quick eye to see, besides, a small touch of rouge on the cheek which age had depressed, and the assistance of Indian ink to the eye-brow which time had thinned and faded. A glass filled with flowers stood on the table before her, and a quantity of books lay scattered about ; a guitar not the Spanish instrument now in fashion, but the English one of some eighty years ago, strung with wire and tuned in thirds hung, by a blue ribbon, beside her ; a corner-cup- board, fantastically carved, bore some curious specimens of China, on one side of the room ; while, in strange discord with what was really scarce and beautiful, the commonest Dutch cuckoo-clock was suspended HANDY ANDY. 133 on the opposite wall ; close beside her chair stood a very pretty little Japan table, bearing a looking-glass with numerous drawers, framed in the same material ; and while Furlong seated himself, the old lady cast a sidelong glance at the mirror, and her withered fingers played with the fresh ribbon. " You have recently arrived from the Castle, sir, I understand." " Quite wecently, madam, awived last night." " I hope his Excellency is well not that I have the honour of his acquaintance, but I love the Lord Lieutenant and the aides-de-camps are so nice, and the little pages! put a marker in that book," said she, in an under tone, to her granddaughter, " page seventy-four ; ah," she resumed in a higher tone, " that reminds me of the Honourable Captain Wriggle, who commanded a seventy-four, and danced with me at the Castle the evening Lady Legge sprained her ankle, By the bye, are there any seventy-fours in Dublin now? " " I wather think," said Furlong, " the bay is not sufficiently deep for line-of-battle ships." " Oh dear, yes! I have seen quantities of seventy-fours there though, indeed, I am not quite sure if it wasn't at Splithead. Give me the smell- ing salts, Charlotte, love ; mine does ache indeed ! How subject the dear duchess of Rutland was to headaches ; you did not know the duchess of Rutland ? no, to be sure, what am I thinking of you're too young ; but those were the charming days ! You have heard, of course, the duchess's bon mot in reply to the compliment of Lord , but I must not mention his name, because there was some scandal about them ; but the gentleman said to the duchess I must tell you she was Isabella, duchess of Rutland and he said, ' Isabelle is a belle,' to which the duchess replied, ' Isabelle was a belle.' " " Vewy neat, indeed ! " said Furlong. "Ah ! poor thing," said the dowager, with a sigh, " she was begin- ning to be a little passee, then ; " she looked in the glass herself, and added, " Dear me, how pale I am this morning!" and pulling out one of the little drawers from the Japan looking-glass, she took out a pot of rouge and heightened the colour on her cheek. The old lady not only heightened her own colour, but that of the witnesses of Furlong, par- ticularly, who was quite surprised. " Why am I so very pale this morning, Charlotte, love ? " continued the old lady. " You sit up so late reading, grandmama." " Ah, who can resist the fascination of the muses ? You are fond of literature, I hope, sir ? " " Extwemely," replied Furlong. " As a statesman," continued the old lady, to whom Furlong made a deep obeisance, at the word ' statesman,' " as a statesman, of course your reading lies in the more solid department; but if you ever do con- descend to read a romance, there is the sweetest thing I ever met, I am just now engaged in ; it is called ' The Blue Robber of the Pink Mountain.' I have not come to the pink mountain yet, but the blue robber is the most perfect character. The. author, however, is guilty of a strange forge tfulness he begins by speaking of the robber as of the middle age, and soon after describes him as a young man. Now, how could a young man be of the middle age ? 134 HANDY ANDY. " It seems a stwange inaccuwacy," lisped Furlong. " But poets sometimes pwesume on the pwivelege they have of doing what they please with their hewoes." " Quite true, sir. And talking of heroes, I hope the knights of St. Patrick are well I do admire them so much ! 'tis so interesting to see their banners and helmets hanging up in St. Patrick's Cathedral, that venerable pile ! with the loud peal of the organ sublime is'nt it ? the banners almost tremble in the vibration of the air to the loud swell of the ' A-a-a-men ! ' the very banners seem to wave ' Amen.' Oh, that swell is so fine! I think they are fond of swells in the quire ; they have a good effect, and some of the young men are so good-looking! and the little boys, too I suppose they are the choristers' children? " The old lady made a halt, and Furlong filled up the pause by declar- ing, " he weally couldn't say." " I hope you admire the service at St. Patrick's," continued the old lady. " Ye-s I think St. Paytwick's a vewy amusing place of wo'ship." " Amusing ! " said the old lady, half-offended. " Inspiring, you mean ; not that I think the sermon interesting, but the anthem! oh! the anthem, it is so fine! and the old banners, those are my delight the dear banners, covered with dust ! " " Oh, as far as that goes," said Furlong, " they have impwoved the cathedwal vewy much, for they have whitewashed it inside, and put up noo banners." " Whitewash and new banners ! " exclaimed the indignant dowager, " the Goths ! to remove an atom of the romantic dust ! I would not have let a housemaid into the place for the world ! But they have left the anthem, I hope ? " " Oh, yes ! the anthem is continued, but with a small diffewence ; they used to sing the anthem befo' the se'mon, but the people used to go away after the anthem and neve' waited for the se'mon, and the Bishop, who is pwoud of his pweaching, orde'ed the anthem to be post- poned till afte' the se'mon." " Oh, yes," said the old lady, " I remember now hearing of that, and some of the wags in Dublin saying the Bishop was jealous of old Spray,* and didn't somebody write something called ' Pulpit versus Organloft? ' " " I cawnt say." " Well, I am glad you like the cathedral, sir ; but I wish they had not dusted the banners ; I used to look at them all the time the service went on they were so romantic! I suppose you go there every Sunday ? " " I go in the summe', " said Furlong, " the place is so cold in the winter." " That's true, indeed," responded the Dowager, " and it's quite funny, when your teeth are chattering with cold, to hear Spray singing, ' Com- fort ye, my people ; ' but, to be sure, that almost is enough to warm you. You are fond of music, I perceive ? " " Vewy." The first tenor of the last century HANDY ANDY. 135 " / play the guitar citra cithra, or lute, as it is called by the poets. -I sometimes sing, too. Do you know 'The lass with tho deli- cate air?' a sweet ballad of the old school my instrument once be- longed to Dolly Bland, the celebrated Mrs. Jordan now ah, there, sir, is a brilliant specimen of Irish mirthfulness what a creature she is ! Hand me my lute, child," she said to her granddaughter, and having adjusted the blue ribbon over her shoulder, and twisted the tuning-pegs, and thrummed upon the wires for some time, she made a prelude, and cleared her throat to sing "The lass with the delicate air," when the loud whirring of the clock- wheels interrupted her, and she looked up with great delight at a little door in the top of the clock, which sud- denly sprang open, and out popped a wooden bird. " Listen to my bird, sir," said the old lady. The sound of " cuckoo " was repeated twelve times, the bird popped in again, the little door closed, and the monotonous tick of the clock continued. " That's my little bird, sir, that tells me secrets ; and now, sir, you must leave me ; I never receive visits after twelve. I can't sing you 'The lass with the delicate air' to-day, for who would compete with the feathered songsters of the grove ? and after my sweet warblers there I dare not venture ; but I will sing it for you to-morrow. Good morning, sir. I am happy to have had the honour of making your acquaintance." She bowed Furlong out very politely, and as her granddaughter was fol- lowing, she said, " My love, you must not forget some seeds for my little bird." Furlong looked rather surprised, for he saw no bird but the one in the clock; the young lady marked his expression, and as she closed the door, she said, " You must not mind grandmama, you know ; she is sometimes a little queer." Furlong was now handed over to the boys, to show him over the domain ; and they, young imps as they were, knowing he was in no favour with their father, felt they might treat him as ill as they pleased, and quiz him with impunity. The first portion of Furlong's penance consisted in being dragged through dirty stable-yards and out-houses, and shown the various pets of all the parties ; dogs, pigeons, rabbits, weasels, &c. were paraded, and their qualities expatiated upon, till Fur- long was quite weary of them, and expressed a desire to see the domain. Horatio, the second boy, whose name was abbreviated to Ratty, told him they must wait for Gusty, who was mending his spear. " We're going to spear for eels," said the boy ; " did you ever spear for eels ? " " I should think not," said Furlong, with a knowing smile, who sus- pected this was intended to be a second edition of quizzing a la mode de saumon. " You think I am joking," said the boy, "but it's famous sport, I can tell you ; but if you're tired of waiting here, come along with me to the milliner's, and we can wait for Gusty there." While following the boy, who jumped along to the tune of a jig he was whistling, now and then changing the whistle into a song to the same tune, with very odd words indeed, and a burden of gibberish ending with " riddle-diddle-dow," Furlong wondered what a milliner could have to do in such an establishment, and his wonder was not 136 HANDY ANDY. lessened when his guide added, " The milliner is a queer chap, and maybe he'll tell us something funny." " Then the milline' is a man ? " said Furlong. " Yes," said the boy, laughing, " and he does not work with needle and thread, either." They approached a small out-house as he spoke, and the sharp clink- ing of a hammer fell on their ears. Shoving open a rickety door, the boy cried, " Well, Fogy, I've brought a gentleman to see you. This is Fogy, the milliner, sir," said he to Furlong, whose surprise was further increased, when, in the person of the man called the milliner, he beheld a tinker. " What a strange pack of people I have got amongst," thought Furlong. The old tinker saw his surprise, and grinned at him. " I suppose it was a nate young woman you thought you'd see when he towld you he'd bring you to the milliner ha! ha! ha! Oh, they're nate lads, the Masther O'Gradys ; divil a thing they call by the proper name, at all." " Yes, we do," said the boy, sharply, " we call ourselves by our pro- per name ha, Fogy, I have you there ! " " Divil a taste, as smart as you think yourself, Masther Ratty ; you call yourselves gentlemen, and that's not your proper name." Ratty, who was scraping triangles on the door with a bit of broken brick, at once converted his pencil into a missile, and let fly at the head of the tinker, who seemed quite prepared for such a result, for, raising the kettle he was mending, he caught the shot adroitly, and the brick rattled harmlessly on the tin. "Ha!" said the tinker, mockingly, " you missed me, like your mammy's blessin" ;" and he pursued his work. " What a very odd name he calls you," said Furlong, addressing young O'Grady. " Ratty," said the boy. " Oh, yes, they call me Ratty, short for Horatio. I was called Horatio after Lord Nelson, because Lord Nel- son's father was a clergyman, and papa intends me for the Church." " And a nate clargy you'll make," said the tinker. " And why do they call you milline' ? " inquired Furlong. The old man looked up and grinned, but said nothing. " You'll know before long, I'll engage," said Ratty, " won't he, Fogy ? You were with old Gran' to-day, wern't you ? " " Yes." " Did she sing you ' The lass with the delicate air ? " said the boy, putting himself in the attitude of a person playing the guitar, throwing up his eyes, and mimicking the voice of an old woman, " So they call'd her, they call'd her, The lass the lass With a delicate air, De lick-it lick-it lick-it, The lass with a de lick-it air ! " The young rascal made frightful mouths, and put out his tongue every time he said "lick it," and when he had finished, asked Furlong, " wasn't that the thing ? " Furlong told him his grandmama had been going to sing it, but his pleasure had been deferred till to-morrow. HANDY ANDV. 137 " Then you did not hear it ? " said Ratty. Furlong answered in the negative. " Oh, murder ! murder ! I'm sorry I told you," said the boy. " Is it so vewy pa'ticula' then? " inquired Furlong. " Oh, you'll find that out, and more, if you live long enough," was the answer. Then turning to the tinker, he said, " Have you any milli- ner work in hand, Fogy ? " "To be sure I have," answered the tinker; "who has so good a right to know that as yourself ? throth, you've little to do, I'm thinkin', when you ax that idle question. Oh, you're nate lads ! And would nothin' sarve you but brakin' the weather-cock? " " Oh, 'twas such a nice cock-shot, 'twas impossible not to have a shy at it," said Ratty, chuckling. " Oh, you're nice lads ! " still chimed in the tinker. " Besides," said Ratty, " Gusty bet me a bull-dog pup against a rabbit, I could not smash it in three goes." " Faix, an' he ought to know you betther than that," said the tinker; " for you'd make a fair offer* at anything, I think, but an answer to your schoolmasther. Oh, a nate lad you are a nate lad ! a nice clargy you'll be, your rivirince. Oh, if you hit off the tin commandments as fast as you hit off the tin weathercock, it's a good man you'll be an' if I never had a head-ache 'till then, sure it's happy I'd be ! " " Hold your prate, old Growly," said Ratty ; " and why don't you inend the weather-cock ? " " I must mend the kittle first, and a purtty kittle you made of it ! and would nothing sarve you but the best kittle in the house to tie to the dog's tail ? Ah, masther Ratty, you're terrible boys, so yiz are ! " ' Hold your prate,you old thief! why would'nt we amuse ourselves ?" ' And huntin' the poor dog, too." ' Well, what matter ? he was a strange dog." ' That makes no differ in the crulety." ' Ah, bother ! you old humbug ! who was it blackened the rag- woman's eye ? ha ! Fogy ha ! Fogy dirty Fogy ! " " Go away, Masther Ratty, you're too good, so you are, your Rivir- ince. Faix, I wondher his honour, the Squire, doesn't murther you sometimes." " He would, if he could catch us," replied Ratty, " but we run too fast for him, so divil thank him ! and you, too, Fogy ha ! old Growly ! Come along, Mr. Furlong, here's Gusty; bad scran to you, Fogy ! " and he slapped the door as he quitted the tinker. Gustavus, followed by two younger brothers, Theodore and Godfrey, (for O'Grady loved high-sounding names in baptism, though they got twisted into such queer shapes in family use,) now led the way over the park towards the river. Some fine timber they passed occasionally, but the axe had manifestly been busy, and the wood seemed thinned rather from necessity than for improvement ; the paths were choked with weeds and fallen leaves, and the rank moss added its evidence of neglect. The boys pointed out anything they thought worthy of observation, by the * A " fair offer," is a phrase amongst the Irish peasantry, meaning a successful aim. 138 HANDY ANDY. way, such as the best places to find a hare, the most covered approach to the river to get a shot at wild ducks, or where the best young wood was to be found from whence to cut a stick. On reaching their point of destination, which was where the river was less rapid, and its banks sedgy and thickly grown with flaggers and bullrushes, the sport of spear- ing for eels commenced. Gusty first undertook the task, and after some vigorous plunges of his implement into the water, he brought up the prey wriggling between its barbed prongs. Furlong was amazed, for he thought this, like the salmon fishing, was intended as a quiz, and after a few more examples of Gusty's prowess, he undertook the sport ; a short time however fatigued his unpractised arm, and he relinquished the spear to Theodore or Tay, as they called him, and Tay shortly brought up his fish, and thus, one after another, the boys, successful in their sport, soon made the basket heavy. Then, and not till then, they desired Furlong to carry it ; he declared he had no curiosity whatever in that line, but the boys would not let him off so easy, and told him the practice there was, that every one should take his share in the day's sport, and as he could not catch the fish, he should carry it. He attempted a parley, and suggested he was only a visitor, but they only laughed at him, said that might be a very good Dublin joke, but it would not pass in the country. He then attempted laughingly to decline the honour, but Ratty, turning round to a monstrous dog, which hitherto had followed them quietly, said, " Here ! Bloody-bones ; here ! boy ! at him, sir ! make him do his work, boy!" The bristling savage gave a low growl, and fixed his fierce eyes on Furlong, who attempted to remonstrate, but he very soon gave that up, for another word from the boys urged the dog to a howl and a crouch, preparatory to a spring, and Furlong made no further resistance, but took up the basket amid the uproarious laughter of the boys, who continued their sport, adding every now and then to the weight of Fur- long's load, and whenever he lagged behind, they cried out, " Come along, man- Jack ! " which was the complimentary name they called him by for the rest of the day. Furlong thought spearing for eels worse sport than fishing for salmon, and was rejoiced when a turn homeward was taken by the party ; but his annoyances were not yet ended. On their return, their route lay across a plank of considerable length, which spanned a small branch of the river ; it had no central support, and consequently sprang considerably to the foot of the passenger, who was afforded no pro- tection from handrail or even a swinging rope, and this rendered its passage difficult to an unpractised person. When Furlongwas told to make his way across, he hesitated, and after many assurances on his part that he could not attempt it, Gusty said he would lead him over in security, and took his hand for the purpose ; but when he had him just in the centre, he loosed himself from Furlong's hold, and ran to the opposite side. While Furlong was praying him to return, Ratty stole behind him sufficiently far to have purchase enough on the plank, and began jumping till he made it spring too high for poor Furlong to hold his footing any longer ; so squatting on the plank, he got astride upon it, and held on with his hands, every descending vibration of the board dipping his dandy boots in the water. HANDY ANDY. 139 " Well done, Ratty ! " shouted all the boys. " Splash him, Tay ! " cried Gusty. " Pull away, Goggy." The three boys now began pelting large stones into the river close beside Furlong, splashing him so thoroughly, that he was wringing wet in five minutes. In vain Furlong shouted, " Young gentlemen ! young gentlemen ! " and, at last, when he threatened to complain to their father, they recommenced worse than before, and vowed they'd throw him into the stream if he did not promise to be silent on the subject, for, to use their own words, if they were to be beaten, they might as well duck him at once, and have the " worth of their licking." At last, a compromise being effected, Furlong stood up to walk off the plank. " Remember," said Ratty, " you won't tell we hoised you." " I won't, indeed," said Furlong ; and he got safe to land. " But I will ! " cried a voice from the neighbouring wood ; and Miss O'Grady appeared, surrounded by a crowd of little pet-dogs. She shook her hand in a threatening manner at the offenders, and all the little dogs set up a yelping bark, as if to enforce their mistress's anger. The snappish barking of the pets was returned by one hoarse bay from Bloody-bones, which silenced the little dogs, as a broadside from a seventy-four would scatter a flock of privateers, and the boys returned the sister's threat by a universal shout of " Tell-tale ! " " Go home, tell-tale ! " they cried, all at once ; and with an action equally simultaneous, they stooped one and all for pebbles, and pelted Miss Augusta so vigorously, that she and her dogs were obliged to run for it. 140 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XVI. HAVING recounted Furlong's out-door adventures, it is necessary to say something of what was passing at Neck-or-Nothing-Hall in his absence. O'Grady, on leaving the breakfast-table, retired to his justice-room to transact business, a principal feature in which was the examination of Handy Andy touching the occurrences of the evening he drove Furlong to Merryvale ; for though Andy was clear of the charge for which he had been taken into custody, namely, the murder of Furlong, O'Grady thoughthemighthavebeen apartyto some conspiracy to drive the stranger to the enemy's camp, and therefore put him to the question very sharply. This examination he had set his heart upon ; and reserving it as a bon bouche, dismissed all preliminary cases in a very oif-hand manner, just as men carelessly swallow a few oysters preparatory to dinner. As for Andy, when he was summoned to the justice-room, he made sure it was for the purpose of being charged with robbing the post-office, and cast a side-long glance at the effigy of the man hanging on the wall, as he was marched up to the desk where O'Grady sat in magisterial dignity ; and, therefore, when he found it was only for driving a gentleman to a wrong house all the pother was made, his heart was lightened of a heavy load, and he answered briskly enough. The string of question and reply was certainly an entangled one, and left O'Grady as much puzzled as before, whether Andy was stupid and innocent, or too knowing to let himself be caught, and to this opinion he clung at last. In the course of the inquiry he found Andy had been in service at Merryvale ; and Andy, telling him he knew all about waiting at table, and so forth, and O'Grady being in want of an additional man-servant in the house, while his honourable guest Sackville Scatterbrain should be on a visit with him, Andy was told he should be taken on trial for a month. Indeed, a month was as long as most servants could stay in the house they came and went as fast as figures in a magic lanthorn. Andy was installed in his new place, and set to work immediately scrubbing up extras of all sorts to make the reception of the honourable candidate for the county as brilliant as possible, not only for the honour of the house, but to make a favourable impression on the coming guest ; for Augusta, the eldest girl, was marriageable, and, to her father's ears, "The Honourable Mrs. Sackville Scatterbrain" would have sounded much more agreeably than " Miss O'Grady." " Well who knows ?" said O'Grady to his wife ; " such things have come to pass. Furbish her up, and make her look smart at dinner he HANDY ANDY. 141 has a good fortune, and will be a peer one of these days worth catch- ing. Tell her so." Leaving these laconic observations and directions behind him, he set off to the neighbouring town to meet Scatterbrain, and to make a blow- up at the post-office about the missing letters ; this he was the more anxious to do, as the post-office was kept by the brother of M'Garry, the apothecary ; and since O'Grady had been made to pay so dearly for thrashing him, he swore eternal vengeance against the whole family. The post-master could give no satisfactory answer to the charge made against him, and O'Grady threatened a complaint to head-quarters, and prophesied the post-master's dismissal. Satisfied, for the present, with this piece of prospective vengeance, he proceeded to the inn, and awaited the arrival of his guest. In the interim, at the hall, Mrs. O'Grady gave Augusta the necessary hints, and recommended a short walk to improve her colour ; and it was in the execution of this order that Miss O'Grady's perambulation was cut short by the pelting her sweet brothers gave her. The internal bustle of the establishment caught the attention of the dowager, who contrived to become acquainted with its cause, and set about making herself as fascinating as possible ; for though, in the or- dinary routine of the family affairs, she kept herself generally secluded in her own apartments, whenever any affair of an interesting nature was pending, nothing could make her refrain from joining any company which might be in the house ; nothing ; not even O'Grady himself. At such times, too, she became strangely excited, and invariably executed one piece of farcical absurdity, of which, however, the family contrived to confine the exercise to her own room. It was wearing on her head a tin concern, something like a chimney-pot, ornamented by a small weathercock, after the fashion of those which surmounted church-steeples ; this, she declared, influenced her health wonderfully, by indicating the variation of the wind in her stomach, which she maintained to be the grand ruling principle of human existence. She would have worn this head-dress in any company, had she been permitted, but the terrors of her son had sufficient influence over her to have this laid aside for a more seemly coiffure when she appeared at dinner, or in the drawing-room ; but while she yielded really through fear, she affected to be influenced through tenderness to her son's infirmity of temper. It is very absurd," she would say, " that Gustavus should interfere with my toilette ; but, poor fellow, he's very queer, you know, and I humour him." This at once explains why Master Ratty called the tinker " the milliner." It will not be wondered at, that the family carefully excluded the old lady from the knowledge of any exciting subject ; but those who know what a talkative race children and servants are, will not be surprised that the dowager sometimes got scent of proceedings which were meant to be kept secret. The pending election, and the approaching visit of the candidate, some how or other, came to her knowledge, and of course she put on her tin chimney-pot. Thus attired, she sat watching the avenue ali day ; and when she saw O'Grady return in a handsome travelling 142 HANDY ANDY. carriage with a stranger, she was quite happy, and began to attire herself in some ancient finery, rather the worse for wear, and which might have been interesting to an antiquary. The house soon rang with bustle bells rang, and footsteps rapidly paced passages, and pattered up and down stairs. Andy was the nimblest at the hall-door at the first summons of the bell ; and, in a livery too short in the arms and two wide in the shoulders, he bustled here and there, his anxiety to be useful only putting him in every body's way, and end- ing in getting him a hearty cursing from O'Grady. The carriage was unpacked, and letter-boxes, parcels, and portman- teaus, strewed the hall. Andy was desired to carry the latter to " the gentleman's room ;" and, throwing it over his shoulder, he ran up stairs. It was just after the commotion created by the arrival of the Honourable Mr. Scatterbrain, that Furlong returned to the house, wet and weary. He retired to his room to change his clothes, and fancied he was now safe from further molestation, with an inward protestation that the next time the Master O'Gradys caught him in their company they might bless themselves ; when he heard a loud sound of hustling near his door, and Miss Augusta's voice audibly exclaiming, " Behave yourself, Ratty ! Gusty, let me go !" when, as the words were uttered, the door of his room was shoved open, and Miss Augusta thrust in, and the door locked outside. Furlong had not half his clothes on. Augusta exclaimed, " Gracious me !" first put up her hands to her eyes, and then turned her face to the door. Furlong hid himself in the bed-curtains, while Ratty, the vicious little rascal, with a malicious laugh, said, " Now, promise you'll not tell papa, or I'll bring him up here and then how will you be ?" " Ratty, you wretch !" cried Augusta, kicking at the door, " let me out!" " Not a bit, till you promise." " Oh, fie, Maste' O'Gwady !" said Furlong. " I'll scream, Ratty, if you don't let me out !" cried Augusta. " If you screech, papa will hear you, and then he'll come up, and kill that fellow there." " Oh, don't squeam, Miss O'Gwady !" said Furlong, very vivaciously, from the bed-curtains ; " Don't squeam, pway !" " I'm not squeamish, sir," said Miss Augusta ; " but it's dreadful to be shut up with a man who has no clothes on him. Let me out, Ratty ! let me out !" " Well, will you tell on us ?" 11 No." " Ton your honour." ' 'Pon my honour, no ! Make haste ! Oh, if papa knew of this !" Scarcely had the words been uttered, when the heavy tramp and gruff voice of O'Grady resounded in the passage, and the boys scampered off in a fright, leaving the door locked. " Oh, what will become of me !" said the poor girl, with the extremity of terror in her look a terror so excessive, that she was quite heedless of the dishabille of Furlong, who jumped from the curtains when he heard O'Grady coming. HANDY ANDY. 143 " Don't be fwightened, Miss O'Grady," said Furlong, half frightened to death himself. " When we explain the affair " " Explain !" said the girl, gasping. " Oh, you don't know papa !" As she spoke, the heavy tramp ceased at the door a sharp tap suc- ceeded, and Furlong's name was called in the gruff voice of the squire. Furlong could scarcely articulate a response. " Let me in," said O'Grady. " I'm not dwess'd, sir," answered Furlong. " No matter," said the squire ; " you're not a woman." Augusta wrung her hands. " I'll be down with you as soon as I'm dress'd, sir," replied Furlong. " I want to speak to you immediately and here are letters for you open the door." Augusta signified by signs, to Furlong, that resistance would be vain ; and hid herself under the bed. " Come in, sir," said Furlong, when she was secreted. " The door is fastened," said O'Grady. " Turn the key, sir," said Furlong. O'Grady unlocked the door, and was so inconsequent a person, that he never thought of the impossibility of Furlong's having locked it, but, in the richest spirit of bulls, asked him if he always fastened his door on the outside. Furlong said he always did. " What's the matter with you ?" inquired O'Grady. " You're as white as the sheet there." And he pointed to the bed as he spoke. Furlong grew whiter as he pointed to that quarter. 11 What ails you, man ? Ar'n't you well ?" " Wather fatigued but I'll be bette' pwesently. What do you wish with me, sir ? " " Here are letters for you I want to know what's in them Scatter- brain's come do you know that ?" " No I did not." " Don't stand there in the cold go on dressing yourself; I'll sit down here till you can open your letters : I want to tell you something be- sides." O'Grady took a chair as he spoke. Furlong assumed all the composure he could, and the girl began to hope she should remain undiscovered, and most likely she would have been so lucky, had not the Genius of Disaster, with aspect malign, waved her sable wand and called her chosen servant Handy Andy to her aid. He, her faithful and unfailing minister, obeyed the call, and at that cri- tical juncture of time gave a loud knock at the chamber door. " Come in," said O'Grady. Andy opened the door and popped in his head. " I beg your pardon, sir, but I kem for the jintleman's portmantle." " What gentleman? " asked O Grady. " The Honourable, sir ; I tuk his portmantle to the wrong room, sir, and I'm come for it now bekase he wants it." " There's no po'tmanteau here," said Furlong. " O yis, sir," said Andy ; " I put it undher the bed." " Well, take it and be off," said O'Grady. 144 HANDY ANDY. " No no no " said Furlong, " don't distu'b my woom, if you please, till I have done dwessing." " But the Honourable is dhressing too, sir; and that's why he wants the portmantle." " Take it, then," said the Squire. Furlong was paralyzed, and could offer no further resistance : Andy stooped, and lifting the valance of the bed to withdraw the portmanteau, dropped it suddenly and exclaimed, " O Lord !" " What's the matter ?" said the Squire. " Nothin', sir," said Andy, looking scared. " Then take the portmanteau and be hanged to you." " Oh, I'll wait till the jintleman's done, sir," said Andy, retiring. " What the devil is all this about ? " said the Squire, seeing the be- wilderment of Furlong and Andy ; " what is it, at all ?" and he stooped as he spoke and lifted the valance. But here description must end, and imagination supply the scene of fury and confusion which succeeded. At the first fierce volley of imprecation O'Grady gave vent to, Andy ran off and alarmed the family, Augusta screamed, and Furlong held for support by the bed post, while, between every hurricane of oaths, O'Grady ran to the door and shouted for his pistols, and anon returned to the chamber to vent every abusive epithet which could be showered on man and woman. The prodigious uproar soon brought the whole house to the spot ; Mrs. O'Grady and the two spare girls amongst the first ; Mat, and the cook, and the scullion, and all the housemaids in rapid succession ; and Scatterbrain himself at last ; O'Grady all the time foaming at the mouth, stamping up and down the room, shaking his fist at Furlong, and, after a volley of names impossible to remember or print, always con- cluding with the phrase, " Wait till I get my pistols ! " " Gusty, dear," said his trembling wife, " what is it all about ? " He glared upon her with his flashing eyes, and said, " Fine education you give your children, ma'am. Where have you brought up your daughters to go to, eh ? " " To church, my dear," said Mrs. O'Grady, meekly ; for she being a Roman catholic, O'Grady was very jealous of his daughters being reared staunch Protestants, and she, poor simple woman, thought that was the drift of his question. " Church, my eye ! woman ! Church, indeed ! 'faith, she ought to have gone there before she came where I found her. Thunderanouns ! where are my pistols ? " " Where has she gone to, my love ?" asked the wife in a tremor. " To the divil, ma'am. Is that all you know about it?" said O'Grady ; " And you'd wish to know where she is ? " " Yes, love," said his wife. " Then look under that bed, ma'am, and you'll see her without spectacles." Mrs. O'Grady now gave a scream, and the girls and the housemaids joined in the chorus. Augusta bellowed from under the bed, " Mama ! mama ! indeed it's all Ratty I never did it." At this moment, to help the confusion, a fresh appearance made its way into the room ; it was that of the Dowager O'Grady arrayed in HANDY ANDY. 145 all the by-gone finery of faded full dress, and the tin chimney-pot on her head. "What is all this about?" she exclaimed, with an air of authority; " though my weathercock tells me the wind is Nor'west, I did not expect such a storm. Is any one killed ? " " No," said O'Grady, " but somebody will be soon. Where are my pistols ? Blood and fire, will nobody bring me pistols ? " " Here they are, sir," said Handy Andy, running in. O'Grady made a rush for the pistols, but his mother and his wife threw themselves before him, and Scatterbrain shoved Andy outside the room. " Confound you, you numscull, would you give pistols into the hands of a frantic man ? " " Sure, he ax'd for them, sir !" " Go out o' this, you blockhead ! go and hide them somewhere, where your master won't find them." Andy retired, muttering something about the hardness of a servant's case in being scolded and called names for doing his master's bidding. Scatterbrain returned to the room where the confusion was still in full bloom; O'Grady swearing between his mother and wife, while Furlong endeavoured to explain how the young lady happened to be in his room ; and she kicking in hysterics amidst the maids and her sisters, while Scatterbrain ran to and fro between all the parties, giving an ear to Fur- long, an eye to O'Grady, and smelling salts to his daughter. The case was a hard one to a milder man than O'Grady his specu- lation about Scatterbrain all knocked on the head, for it could not be expected he would marry the lady who had been found under another man's bed. To hush the thing up would be impossible, after the publi- city his own fury had given to the affair. " Would she ever be married after such an affair was cclate ? " The question rushed into his head at one side, and the answer rushed in at the other, and met it with a plump " No," the question and answer then joined hands in O'Grady's mind, and danced down the middle to the tune of " Haste to the wed- ding. '| " Yes," he said, slapping his forehead, " she must be married at once." Then, turning to Furlong, he said, " You're not married, I hope ? " Furlong acknowledged he was not, though he regretted the moment he made the admission. " 'Tis well for you," said O'Grady, " fur it has saved your life. You shall marry her then ! " He never thought of asking Furlong's acquiescence in the measure. " Come here! you baggage !" he cried to Augusta, as he laid hold of her hand and pulled her up from her chair ; " come here ! I intended you for a better man, but since you have such a hang-dog taste, why go to him ! " and he shoved her over to Furlong. " There!" he said, addressing him, " take her, since you will have her. We'll speak of her fortune after." The poor girl stood abashed, sobbing aloud, and tears pouring from her downcast eyes. Furlong was so utterly taken by surprise, that he was L 146 HANDY ANDY. rivetted to the spot where he stood, and could not advance a step towards his drooping intended. At this awkward moment, the glorious old dowager came to the rescue ; she advanced, tin chimney-pot and all, and taking a hand of each of the principals in her's, she joined them together in a theatrical manner, and ejaculated with a benignant air, " Bless you, my children ! " In the midst of the mingled rage, confusion, fright, and astonishment of the various parties present, there was something so exquisitely absurd in the old woman's proceeding, that nearly every one felt inclined to laugh, but the terror of O'Grady kept their risible faculties in check. Fate, however, decreed the finale should be comic ; for the cook, sud- denly recollecting herself, exlaimed, " Oh, murther ! the goose will be burned," and ran out of the room ; a smothered burst of laughter suc- ceeded, which roused the ire of O'Grady, who, making a charge right and left amongst the delinquents, the room was soon cleared, and the party dispersed in various directions, O'Grady 's voice rising loud above the general confusion, as he swore his way down stairs, kicking his mother's tin turban before him. HANDY ANDY. 147 CHAPTER XVII. CANVASSING before an election resembles skirmishing before a battle ; the skirmishing was over, and the arrival of the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain was like the first gun that commences an engagement ; and now both parties were to enter on the final struggle. A jolly group sat in Murphy's dining parlour on the eve of the day fixed for the nomination. Hitting points of speeches were discussed plans for bringing up voters tricks to interrupt the business of the opposite party certain allusions on the hustings that would make the enemy lose temper ; and, above all, every thing that could cheer and amuse the people, and make them rejoice in their cause. " Oh, let me alone for that much," said Murtough. " I have engaged every piper and fiddler within twenty miles round, and divil a screech of a chanter,* or a scrape of catgut, Scatterbrain can have for love or money that's one grand point." " But," said Tom Durfy, " he has engaged the yeomanry band." " What of that ?" asked Dick Dawson ; " a band is all very well for making a splash in the first procession to the hustings, but what good is it in working out the details 1" " What do you call details?" said Durfy. " Why the popular tunes in the public houses, and in the tally rooms, while the fellows are waiting to go up. Then the dances in the evening Wow ! won't Scatterbrain's lads look mighty shy when they know the Eganites are kicking their heels to ' Moll in the Wad,' while they hav'n't a lilt to shake their bones to ?" " To be sure, "said Murphy; "we'll have deserters to our cause from the enemy's camp before the first night is over ; -f- wait till the girls know where the fiddles are and won't they make the lads join us !" " I believe a woman would do a great deal for a dance," said Doctor Growling ; " they are immensely fond of saltatory motion : I remember, once in my life, I used to flirt with a little actress who was a great favourite in a provincial town where I lived, and she was invited to a ball there, and confided to me she had no silk stockings to appear in, and without them, her presence at the ball was out of the question." l< That was a hint to you to buy the stockings," said Dick. " No you're out," said Growling. " She knew I was as poor as her- self; but though she could not rely on my purse, she had every confidence * The principal tube of a bag-pipe, f In those times elections often lasted many days. L 2 148 HANDY ANDY. in my taste and judgment, and consulted me on a plan she formed for going to the ball in proper twig. Now, what do you think it was ?" " To go in cotton, I suppose," returned Dick. " Out again, sir you'd never guess it ; and only a woman could have hit on the expedient : it was the fashion in those days for ladies in full dress to wear pink stockings, and she proposed painting her legs /" " Painting her legs !" they all exclaimed. " Fact, sir," said the doctor; "and she relied on me for telling her if the cheat was successful " " And was it ?" asked Durfy. " Don't be in a hurry, Tom. I complied on one condition namely that / should be the painter." " Oh, you old rascal !'" cried Dick. " A capital bargain," said Tom Durfy. " But not a safe covenant," added the attorney. " Don't interrupt me, gentlemen," said the doctor : " I got some rose-pink accordingly ; and I defy all the hosiers in Nottingham to make a tighter fit than I did on little Jinney ; and a prettier pair of stock- ings I never saw." " And she went to the ball ?" said Dick. " She did." " And the trick succeeded ?" added Durfy. " So completely," said the doctor, " that several ladies asked her to recommend her dyer to them so you see what a woman will do to go to a dance. Poor little Jinney! she was a merry minx : by-the-bye, she boxed my ears that night for a joke I made about the stockings. ' Jinney,' said I, 'for fear your stockings should fall down when you're dancing, hadn't you better let me paint a pair of garters on them ?' " The fellows laughed at the doctor's quaint conceit about the garters, but Murphy called them back to the business of the election. " What next ?" he said ; " public-houses and tally-rooms to have pipers and fiddlers ay and we'll get up as good a march, too, as Scatterbrain, with all his yeomanry band : I think a cart-full of fiddlers would have a fine effect !" " If we could only get a double-bass amongst them !" said Dick. " Talking of double-basses," said the doctor, " did you ever hear the story of the sailor in an admiral's ship, who, when some fine concert was to be given on board " " Hang your concerts and stories !" said Murphy ; " let us get on with the election !" " Oh, the doctor's story!" cried Tom Durfy and Dick Dawson together. " Well, sir," continued the doctor ; " a sailor was handing in, over the side, from a boat, which bore the instruments from shore, a great lot of fiddles. When some tenors came into his hand, he said, those were real good-sized fiddles ; and when a violoncello appeared, Jack, sup- posing it was to be held between the hand and the shoulder, like a violin, declared, ' He must be a strapping chap that fiddle belonged to !' But when the double-bass made its appearance, ' My eyes and limbs !' cried Jack, ' I would like to see the chap as plays that ! ! !'" ' Well, doctor, are you done ?" cried Murphy ; " for, if you are, now HANDY ANDY. 149 for the election. You say, Dick, Major Dawson is to propose your brother-in-law ?" " Yes." And he'll do it well, too : the Major makes a very good straight- forward speech." " Yes," said Dick ; " the old cock is not a bad hand at it ; but I have a suspicion he's going to make a greater oration than usual, and read some long rigmarolish old records." " That will never do," said Murphy ; " as long as a man looks Pat in the face, and makes a good rattling speech ' out o' the face,' Pat will listen to him ; but when a lad takes to heavy readings, Pat grows tired : we must persuade the Major to give up the reading." " Persuade my father," cried Dick, " when did you ever hear of his giving up his own opinion ? " " If he could be prevailed on even to shorten," said Murphy. " Oh, leave him to me," said Dick, laughing ; " I'll take care he'll not read a word." " Manage that, Dick, and you're a jewel !" " I will," said Dick ; " I'll take the glasses out of his spectacles the morning of the nomination, and then let him read, if he can." " Capital, Dick ; and now the next point of discussion is " " Supper, ready to come up, sir," said a servant, opening the door. " Then, that's the best thing we could discuss, boys,'' said Murphy to his friends " so up with the supper, Dan. Up with the supper! Up with the Egans ! Down with the Scatterbrains hurra ! we'll beat them gaily." " Hollow ! " said Durfy. tf Not hollow," said Dick ; " we'll have a tussle for it." " So much the better," cried Murphy : " I would not give a fig for an easy victory there's no fun in it. Give me the election that is like a race now one a-head, and then the other ; the closeness calling out all the energies of both parties, and developing their tact and invention, and at last, the return secured by a small majority." " But think of the glory of a large one," said Dick. " Ay," added Durfy, " besides crushing the hope of a petition on the part of your enemy, to pull down the majority." " But think of Murphy's enjoyment," said the doctor, " in defending the seat, to say nothing of the bill of costs." " You have me there, doctor," said Murphy, " a fair hit, I grant you ; but see, the supper is oa the table. To it, my lads ; to it ! and then a jolly glass to drink success to our friend Egan." And glass after glass they did drink in all sorts and shapes of well- wishing toasts: in short, to have seen the deep interest those men took in the success of their friend, might have gladdened the heart of a philanthropist ; though there is no knowing what Father Mathew, had he flourished in those times, might have said to their overflowing benevolence JIANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XVIII. THE morning of the nomination which dawned on Neck-or-Nothing Hall saw a motley group of O'Grady's retainers assembling in the stable- yard, and the out-offices rang to laugh and joke over a rude, but plen- tiful breakfast, tea and coffee, there, had no place, but meat, potatoes, milk, beer, and whisky, were at the option of the body-guard, which was selected for the honour of escorting the wild chief and his friend, the candidate, into the town. Of this party was the yeomanry-band, of which Tom Durfy spoke, though, to say the truth, considering Tom's apprehensions on the subject, it was of slender force. One trumpet, one clarionet, a fife, a big drum, and a pair of cymbals, with a "real nigger" to play them, were all they could muster. After clearing off every thing in the shape of breakfast, the "musi- cianers" amused the retainers, from time to time, with a tune on the clarionet, fife, or trumpet, while they waited the appearance of the party from the house. Uproarious mirth and noisy joking rang round the dwelling, to which none contributed more largely than the trumpeter, who fancied himself an immensely clever fellow, and had a heap of cut and dry jokes at his command, and practical drolleries, in which he indulged to the great entertainment of all, but of none more than Andy, who was in the thick of the row, and in a divided ecstasy between the " blacky- moor's" turban and cymbals and the trumpeter's jokes and music, the latter articles having a certain resemblance, by-the-bye, to the former in clumsiness and noise, and therefore suited to Andy's taste. Whenever occasion offered, Andy got near the big drum, too, and gave it a thump, delighted with the result of his ambitious achievement. Andy was not lost on the trumpeter : " Arrah, may be you'd like to have a touch at these ?" said the joker, holding up the cymbals. " Is it hard to play them, sir ?" inquired Andy. " Hard !" said the trumpeter ; " sure they're not hard at all but as soft and smooth as satin inside just feel them rub your finger inside." Andy obeyed ; and his finger was chopped between the two brazen plates. Andy roared, the by-standers laughed, and the trumpeter tri- umphed in his wit ; sometimes he would come behind an unsuspecting boor, and give, close to his ear, a discordant bray from his trumpet, like the note of a jackass, which made him jump, and the crowd roar with merriment; or, perhaps, when the clarionet or the fife was engaged in giving the people a tune, he would drown either, or both of them in a wild yell of his instrument. As they could not make reprisals upon him, he had his own way in playing whatever he liked for his audience ; HANDY ANDY. 151 and in doing so indulged in all the airs of a great artist pulling out one crook from another blowing through them softly, and shaking toe moisture from them in a tasty style rearranging them with a fastidious nicety then, after the final adjustment of the mouth-piece, lipping the instrument with an affectation exquisitely grotesque ; but, before he began, he always asked for another drink. " It's not for myself," he would say, " but for the thrumpet, the crayther, the divil a note she can blow without a dhrop." Then taking a mug of drink, he would present it to the bell of the trumpet, and afterwards transfer it to his own lips, always bowing to the instrument first, and saying, " Your health, ma'am ! " This was another piece of delight to the mob, and Andy thought him the funniest fellow he ever met, though he did chop his finger. " Faix, sir, an' it is dhry work I'm sure, playing the thing." "Dhry!" said the trumpeter, " 'pon my ruffles and tuckers, and that's a cambric oath, its worse nor lime burnin', so it is it makes a man's throat as parched as pays." " Who dar say pays ?" cried the drummer. " Howld your prate ! " said the trumpeter elegantly, and silenced all reply by playing a tune. As soon as it was ended, he turned to Andy and asked for a cork. Andy gave it to him. The man of jokes affected to put it into the trumpet. " What's that for, sir," asked Andy. " To bottle up the music," said the trumpeter " sure all the music would run about the place if I didn't do that." Andy gave a vague sort of " ha, ha!" as if he were not quite sure whether the trumpeter was in jest or earnest, and thought at the moment that to play the trumpet and practical jokes must be the happiest life in the world. Filled with this idea, Andy was on the watch how he could possess himself of the trumpet, for could he get one blast on it, he would be happy : a chance at last opened to him ; after some time, the lively owner of the treasure laid down his instrument to handle a handsome blackthorn which one of the retainers was displaying, and he made some flourishes with the weapon to show that music was not his only accom- plishment. Andy seized the opportunity and the trumpet, and made off to one of the sheds where they had been regaling ; and shutting the door to secure himself from observation, he put the trumpet to his mouth, and distended his cheeks near to bursting with the violence of his efforts to produce a sound ; but all his puffing was unavailing for some minutes. At last a faint cracked squeak answered a more desperate blast than before, and Andy was delighted. " Everything must have a beginning," thought Andy, " and maybe I'll get a tune out of it yet.' He tried again, and increased in power ; for a sort of strangled screech was the result. Andy was in ecstasy, and began to indulge visions of being one day a trumpeter; he strutted up and down the shed like the original he so envied, and repeated some of the drolleries he heard him utter. He also imitated his action of giving a drink to the trumpet, and was more generous to the instrument than the owner, for he really poured about half a pint of beer down its throat : he then drank its 152 HANDY ANDY. health, and finished by " bottling up the music," absolutely cramming a cork into the trumpet. Now Andy, having no idea the trumpeter made a sham of the action, made a vigorous plunge of a goodly cork into the throat of the instrument, and in so doing, the cork went farther than he intended : he tried to withdraw it, but his clumsy fingers, instead of extracting only drove it in deeper he became alarmed and seizing a fork, strove with its assistance to remedy the mischief he had done, but the more he poked, the worse ; and in his fright, he thought the safest thing he could do was to cram the cork out of sight altogether, and having soon done that, he returned to the yard, and laid down the trumpet unobserved. Immediately after, the procession to the town started. O'Grady gave orders that the party should not be throwing away their powder and shot, as he called it, in untimely huzzas and premature music. " Wait till you come to the town, boys ; " said he, " and then you may smash away as hard as you can ; blow your heads off and split the sky." The party from Merryvale was in motion for the place of action about the same time, and a merrier pack of rascals never were on the march. Murphy, in accordance with his preconceived notion of a " fine effect," had literally " a cart full of fiddlers ;" but the fiddlers hadn't it all to themselves, for there was another cart full of pipers ; and, by way of mockery to the grandeur of Scatterbrain's band, he had four or five boys with gridirons, which they played upon with pokers, and half a dozen strapping fellows carrying large iron tea trays, which they whopped after the manner of a Chinese gong. It so happened, that the two roads from Merryvale and Neck-or- Nothing Hall met at an acute angle, at the same end of the town, and it chanced that the rival candidates and their retinues arrived at this point about the same time. " There they are ! " said Murphy, who presided in the cart full of fiddlers like a leader in an orchestra, with a shilelah for his lalon, which he flourished over his head as he shouted, " Now give it to them, your sowls ! rasp and lilt away, boys ! slate the gridirons, Mick ! smaddher the tay-tray, Tom!" The uproar of strange sounds that followed, shouting included, may be easier imagined than described ; and O'Grady, answering the war cry, sung out to his band : " What are you at there, you lazy rascals ; don't you hear them blackguards beginning? fire away and be hanged to you ! " His rascals shouted, bang went the drum, and clang went the cymba the clarionet squeaked, and the fife tootled, but the trumpet ah ! th trumpet their great reliance ; where was the trumpet ? O'Grady in- quired in the precise words, with a diabolical addition of his own. ' Where the d is the trumpet ; " said he ; he looked over the side of the carriage, as he spoke, and saw the trumpeter spitting out a mouthful of beer, which had ran from the instrument as he lifted it to his mouth. " Bad luck to you, what are you wasting your time there for," thun- dered O'Grady in a rage ; " why did'nt you spit out when you were young, and you'd be a clean old man ? " Blow and be d to you !" HANDY ANDY. 153 The trumpeter filled his lungs for a great blast, and put the trumpet to his lips but in vain ; Andy had bottled his music for him. O'Grady, seeing the inflated cheeks and protruding eyes of the musician, whose visage was crimson with exertion, and yet no sound produced, thought the fellow was practising one of his jokes upon him, and became exces- sively indignant ; he thundered anathemas at him, but his voice was drowned in the din of the drum and cymbals, which were plied so vigorously, that the clarionet and fife shared the same fate as O'Grady 's voice. The trumpeter could judge of O'Grady's rage from the fierce- ness of his actions only, and answered him in pantomimic expression, holding up his trumpet and pointing into the bell, with a grin of vexation on his phiz, meant to express something was wrong ; but this was all mistaken by the fierce O'Grady, who only saw in the trumpeter's grins the insolent intention of gibing him. " Blow, you blackguard ; blow!" shouted the Squire. Bang went the drum. " Blow or I'll break your neck ! " Crash went the cymbals. " Stop your banging there, you ruffians, and let me be heard ! " roared the excited man ; but as he was standing up on the seat of the carriage, and flung his arms about wildly as he spoke, the drummer thought his action was meant to stimulate him to further exertion, and he banged away louder than before. " By the hokey, I'll murder some o' ye ! " shouted the Squire, who, oidering the carriage to pull up, flung open the door and jumped out, made a rush at the drummer, seized his principal drumstick, and giving him a bang over the head with it, cursed him for a rascal, for not stopping when he told him : this silenced all the instruments together, and O'Grady, seizing the trumpeter by the back of the neck, shook him violently, while he denounced with fierce imprecations his insolence in daring to practise a joke on him. The trumpeter protested his innocence, and O'Grady called him a lying rascal, finishing his abuse by clenching his fist in a menacing attitude, and telling him to play. " I can't, your honour ! " " You lie, you scoundrel." " There's something in the thrumpet, sir." " Yes, there's music in it ; and if you don't blow it out of it " " I can't blow it out of it, sir." " Hold your prate, your ruffian ; blow, this minute." " Arrah, thry it yourself, sir ;" said the frightened man, handing the instrument to the Squire. " D n your impudence, you rascal ; do you think I'd blow anything that was in your dirty mouth ; blow, I tell you, or it will be worse for you." ' By the vartue o' my oath, your honour." ' Blow, I tell you!" ' By the seven blessed candles." ' Blow, I tell you !" ' The thrumpet is choked, sir." * There will be a trumpeter choked, soon," said O'Grady, gripping 154 HANDY ANDY. him by the neck-handkerchief, with his knuckles ready to twist Into his throat. " By this and that I'll strangle you, if you don't play this minute, you humbugger." " By the blessed Vargin, I'm not humbuggin', your honour;" stam- mered the trumpeter with the little breath O'Grady left him. Scatterbrain, seeing O'Grady's fury, and fearful of its consequences, had alighted from the carriage, and came to the rescue, suggesting to the infuriated Squire, that what the man said might be true. O'Grady said he knew better, that the blackguard was a notorious joker, and having indulged in a jest in the first instance, was now only lying to save him- self from punishment ; furthermore, swearing that if he did not play that minute, he'd throw him into the ditch. With great difficulty O'Grady was prevailed upon to give up his grip of the trumpeter's throat ; and the poor breathless wretch, handing his instrument to the clarionet-player, appealed to him if it were possible to play on it. The clarionet player said he could not tell, for he did not understand the trumpet. " You see there !" cried O'Grady. " You see he's humbugging, and the clarionet-player is an honest man." " An honest man !" exclaimed the trumpeter, turning fiercely on the clarionet-player. " He's the biggest villian unhanged, for sthrivin' to get me murthered, and refusin' the evidence for me !" The man's eyes flashed fury as he spoke ; and throwing his trumpet down, he exclaimed, " Mooney ! by jakers, you're no man !" And clenching his fists, as he spoke, he made a rush on the clarionet-player, and planted a hit on his mouth with such vigour, that he rolled in the dust ; and when he rose, it was with such an upper lip that his clarionet-playing was evi- dently finished for the next week certainly. -Now the fifer was the clarionet-player's brother ; and he, turning on the trumpeter, roared " Bad luck to you ! you did not sthrek him fair !" But while in the very act of reprobating the foul blow, he let fly a hit under the ear of the trumpeter, who was quite unprepared for it, and he, too, measured his length on the road. On recovering his legs, he rushed on the fifer for revenge, and a regular scuffle ensued amongst " the musicianers," to the great delight of the crowd of retainers, who were so well primed with whisky that a fight was just the thing to their taste. In vain O'Grady swore at them, and went amongst them, striving to restore order, but they would not be quiet till several black eyes and damaged noses bore evidence of a very busy five minutes having passed. In the course of " the scrimmage," Fate was unkind to the fifer, whose mouth-piece was considerably impaired; and "the boys" remarked, that the worst stick you could have in a crowd was a "whistling stick," by which name they designated the fifer's instrument. At last, however, peace was restored, and the trumpeter again ordered to play by O'Grady. He protested, again, it was impossible. The fifer, in^revenge, declared he was only humbugging the Squire. Hereupon O'Grady, seizing the unfortunate trumpeter, gave him a HANDY ANDY. 155 more sublime kicking than ever fell to the lot even of a piper or fiddler, whose pay* is proverbially oftener in that article than the coin of tiie realm. Having tired himself, and considerably rubbed down the toe of his boot with his gentlemanly exercise, O'Grady dragged the trumpeter to the ditch, and rolled him into it, there to cool the fever which burned in his seat of honour. O'Grady then re-entered the carriage with Scatterbrain, and the party proceeded ; but the clarionet-player could not blow a note, the fifer was not in good playing condition, and tootled with some difficulty ; the drummer was obliged now and then to relax his efforts in making a noise, that he might lift his right arm to his nose, which had got damaged in the fray, and the process of wiping his face with his cuff changed the white facings of his jacket to red. The negro cymbal- player was the only one whose damages were not to be ascertained, as a black eye would not tell on him, and his lips could not be more swollen than nature had made them. On the procession went, however ; but the rival mob, the Eganites, profiting by the delay caused by the row, got a-head, and entered the town first, with their pipers and fiddlers, hurrah- ing their way in good humour down the street, and occupying the best places in the court-house, before the arrival of the opposite-party, whose band, instead of being a source of triumph, was only a thing of jeering merriment to the Eganites, who received them with mockery and laughter. All this by no means sweetened O'Grady's temper, who looked thunder as he entered the court-house with his candidate, who was, though a good-humoured fellow, a little put out by the accidents of the morning ; and Furlong looked more sheepish than ever, as he followed his leaders. The business of the day was opened by the high-sheriff, and Major Dawson lost no time in rising to propose, that Edward Egan, Esquire, of Merryvale, was a, fit and proper person to represent the county in parliament. The proposition was received with cheers by " the boys" in the body of the court-house; the Major proceeded, full sail, in his speech his course aided by being on the popular current, and the " sweet voices" of the multitude blowing in his favour. On concluding (as " the boys" thought) his address, which was straightforward, and to the point, a voice in the crowd proposed, " Three cheers for the owld Major." Three deafening peals followed the hint. " And now," said the Major, " I will read a few extracts here from some documents, in support of what I have had the honour of addressing to you." And he pulled out a bundle of papers as he spoke, and laid them down before him. The movement was not favoured by "the boys," as it indicated a tedious reference to facts, by no means to their taste, and the same voice which suggested the three cheers, now sung out - " Never mind, Major sure, we'll take your word for it !" Cries of "Order!" and " Silence !" ensued ; and were followed by * Fiddlers' fare, or pipers' pay more kicks than halfpence. 156 HANDY ANDY. murmurs, coughs, and sneezes, in tne crowd, with a considerable shuffling of hobnailed shoes on the pavement. " Order !" cried a voice in authority. " Order any thing you plaze, sir !" said the voice in the crowd. " Whisky !" cried one. " Portlier!'' shouted another. " Tabakky !" roared a third. " I mast insist on silence!" cried the sheriff, in a very husky voice. " Silence or I'll have the court-house cleared!" " Faith, if you cleared your own throat it would be betther," said the wag in the crowd. A laugh followed. The sheriff felt the hit, and was silent. The Major all this time had been adjusting his spectacles on his nose, unconscious, poor old gentleman, that Dick, according to promise, had abstracted the glasses from them that morning. He took up his docu- ments to read, made sundry wry faces, turned the papers up to the light, now on this side, and now on that, but could make out nothing ; while Dick gave a knowing wink at Murphy. The old gentleman took off his spectacles to wipe the glasses. The voice in the crowd cried, " Thank you, Major !" The Major pulled out his handkerchief, and his fingers met where he expected to find a lens : he looked very angry, cast a suspicious glance at Dick, who met it with the composure of an anchorite, and quietly asked what was the matter. " I shall not trouble you, gentlemen, with the extracts," said the Major. " Hear, hear," responded the genteel part of the auditory. " I tould you we'd take your word, Major," cried the voice in the crowd. Egan's seconder followed the Major, and the crowd shouted again. O'Grady now came forward to propose the Honourable Sackville Scat- terbrain, as a fit and proper person to represent the county in parlia- ment. He was received by his own set of vagabonds with uproarious cheers, and " O'Grady for ever ! " made the walls ring. *' Egan for ever ! " and hurras were returned from the Merryvalians. O'Grady thus commenced his address : " In coming forward to support my honourable friend, the Honour- able Sackville Scatterbrain, it is from the conviction the conviction " " Who got the conviction agen the potteen last sishin ? " said the voice in the crowd. Loud groans followed this allusion to the prosecution of a few little private stills, in which O'Grady had shown some unnecessary severity that made him unpopular. Cries of " Order " and " Silence " ensued. " 1 say the conviction," repeated O'Grady fiercely, looking towards the quarter whence the interruption took place, " and if there is any blackguard here who dares to interrupt me, I'll order him to be taken out by the ears. I say, I propose my honourable friend, the Honour- able Sackville Scatterbrain, from the conviction that there is a necessity in this county " ' Faith, there is plenty of necessity," said the tormentor in the crowd. HANDY ANDY. 157 " Take that man out," said the sheriff. " Don't hurry yourself, sir," returned the delinquent, amidst the laughter of" the boys," in proportion to whose merriment rose O'Grady's ill humour. " I say there is a necessity for a vigorous member to represent this county in parliament, and support the laws, the constitution, the crown, and the the the interests of the county ! " " Who made the new road ? " was a question that now rose from the crowd a laugh followed and some groans at this allusion to a bit of jobbing on the part of O'Grady, who got a grand jury presentment to make a road which served nobody's interest but his own. " The frequent interruptions I meet here from the lawless and dis- affected, show too plainly that we stand in need of men who will sup- port the arm of the law in purging the country." " Who killed the 'pothecary ? " said a fellow, in a voice so deep that it seemed suited to issue from the jaws of death. The question, and the extraordinary voice in which it was uttered, produced one of those roars of laughter which sometimes shake public meetings in Ireland ; and O'Grady grew furious. " If I knew who that gentleman was, I'd pay him ! " said he. " You'd better pay them you know" was the answer ; and this allu- sion to O'Grady's notorious character of a bad pay, was relished by the crowd, and again raised the laugh against him. " Sir," said O'Grady, addressing the sheriff, " I hold this ruffianism in contempt. I treat it, and the authors of it, those who no doubt have instructed them, with contempt." He looked over to where Egan and his friends stood, as he spoke of the crowd having had instruction to in- terrupt him. " If you mean, sir," said Egan, " that I have given any such instruc- tion, I deny, in the most unqualified terms, the truth of such an asser- tion." " Keep yourself cool, Ned," said Dick Dawson, close to his ear. " Never fear me," said Egan, " but 1 won't let him bully." The two former friends now exchanged rather fierce looks at each other. " Then why am I interrupted ? " asked O'Grady. " It is no business of mine to answer that," replied Egan ; " but I repeat the unqualified denial of your assertion." The crowd ceased its noise when the two Squires were seen engaged in exchanging smart words, in the hope of catching what they said. " It is a disgraceful uproar," said the sheriff. " Then it is your business, Mister Sheriff," returned Egan, " to sup- press it not mine ; they are quiet enough now." " Yes, but they'll make a wow again," said Furlong, " when Miste' O'Gwady begins." " You seem to know all about it," said Dick ; " maybe you have in- structed them.'' " No, sir, I didn't instwuct them," said Furlong, very angry at being twitted by Dick. Dick laughed in his face, and said " Maybe that's one of your elec- tioneering tactics eh ? " 158 HANDY ANDY. Furlong got very angry, while Dick and Murphy shouted with laugh- ter at him. " No, sir," said Furlong, " I don't welish the pwactice of such di'ty twicks." " Do you apply the word ' dirty ' to me, sir ? " said Dick the Devil, ruffling up like a game-cock. " I'll tell you what, sir, if you make use of the word < dirty ' again, I'd think very little of ^kicking you ay, or eight like you I'd kick eight Furlongs one mile." " Who's talking of kicking?" asked O'Grady. " I am," said Dick, " do you want any ?" "Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried the sheriff, " order ! pray, order ! do proceed with the business of the day." " I'll talk to you after about this ! " said O'Grady, in a threatening tone. " Very well," said Dick, " we've time enough, the day's young yet." O'Grady then proceeded to find fault with Egan, censuring his politics, and endeavouring to justify his defection from the same cause : he concluded thus, " Sir, I shall pursue my course of duty ; I have chalked out my own line of conduct, sir, and I am convinced no other line is the right line. Our opponents are wrong, sir, totally wrong all wrong, and, as I have said, I have chalked out my own line, sir, and I propose the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as a fit and proper person to sit in parliament for the representation of this county." The O'Gradyites shouted as their chief concluded ; and the Merry- valians returned some groans, and a cry of " Go home, turncoat ! " Egan now presented himself, and was received with deafening and long-continued cheers, for he was really beloved by the people at large ; his frank and easy nature, the amiable character he bore in all his social relations, the merciful and conciliatory tendency of his decisions and conduct as a magistrate, won him the solid respect as well as affection of the country. He had been for some days in low spirits in consequence of Larry Hogan's visit and mysterious communication with him ; but this, its cause, was unknown to all but himself, and therefore more difficult to support ; for none but those whom sad experience has taught can tell the agony of enduring in secret and in silence the pang that gnaws a proud heart, which, Spartan like, will let the tooth destroy, without complaint or murmur. His depression, however, was apparent, and Dick told Murphy he feared Ned would not be up to the mark at the election ; but Murphy, with a better knowledge of human nature, and the excitement of such a cause, said, " Never fear him ambition is a long spur, my boy, and will stir the blood of a thicker-skinned fellow than your brother-in-law. When he comes to stand up and assert his claims before the world, he'll be all right!" Murphy was a true prophet, for Egan presented himself with con- fidence, brightness, and good-humour on his open countenance. " The first thing I have to ask of you, boys," said Egan, addressing the assembled throng, " is a fair hearing for the other candidate." " Hear, hear ! " followed from the gentlemen in the gallery. HANDY ANDY. 159 " And as he is a stranger amongst us, let him have the privilege of first addressing you." With these words he bowed courteously to Scatterbrain, who thanked him very much like a gentleman, and accepting his offer, advanced to address the electors. O'Grady waved his hand in signal to his body- guard, and Scatterbrain had three cheers from the ragamuffins. He was no great things of a speaker, but he was a good-humoured fellow, and this won on the Paddies ; and although coming before them under the disadvantage of being proposed by O'Grady, they heard him with good temper : to this, however, Egan's good word considerably contributed. He went very much over the ground his proposer had taken, so that, bating the bad temper, the pith of his speech was much the same, quite as much deprecating the political views of his opponent, and harping on O'Grady's worn-out catch-word of " Having chalked out a line for him- self," &c. &c. &c. Egan now stood forward, and was greeted with fresh cheers. He began in a very Irish fashion ; for, being an unaffected, frank, and free- hearted fellow himself, he knew how to touch the feelings of those who possess such qualities themselves. He waited till the last echo of the uproarious greetingdied away, and the first simplewords he uttered were " Here I am, boys !" Simple as the words were, they produced " one cheer more," " Here I am, boys, the same I ever was." " Loud huzzas," and " Long life to you !" answered the last pithy words, which were sore ones to O'Grady ; who, as a renegade, felt the hit. " Fellow countrymen, I come forward to represent you, and, however I may be unequal to that task, at least, I will never misrepresent you." Another cheer followed. " My past life is evidence enough on that point ; God forbid I were of the mongrel breed of Irishmen, who speak ill of their own country. I never did it, boys, and I never will ! Some think they get on by it, and so they do, indeed ; they get on as sweeps and shoe-blacks get on, they drive a dirty trade, and find employment ; but are they respected ?" Shouts of " No no." " You're right ! No ! they are not respected, even by their very employers. Your political sweep and shoe-black is no more respected than he who cleans our chimneys or cleans our shoes. The honour able gentleman who has addressed you last, confesses he is a stranger amongst you ; and is a stranger to be your representative ? You may be civil to a stranger it is a pleasing duty ; but he is not the man to whom you would give your confidence. You might share a hearty glass with a stranger, but you would not enter into a joint lease of a farm without knowing a little more of him ; and if you would not trust a single farm with a stranger, will you give a whole county into his hands ? When a stranger comes to these parts, I'm sure he'll get a civil answer from every man I see here, he will get a civil ' yes,' or a civil ' no,' to his question, and if he seeks his way, you will show him his road. And to the honourable gentleman, who has done you the favour to come and ask you civilly, will you give him the county, you as civilly 160 HANDY ANDY. may answer ' No,' and show him his road home again. As for the gentleman who proposed him, he has chosen to make certain strictures upon my views, and opinions, and conduct. As for views there was a certain heathen god, the Romans worshipped, called Janus ; he was a fellow with two heads and, by-the-bye, boys, he would have been just the fellow to live amongst us ; for when one of his heads was broken, he would have had the other for use. Well, this Janus was called ' double-face,' and could see before and behind him. Now, I'm no double-face, boys ; and as for seeing before and behind me, I can look back on the past, and forward to the future, and both the roads are straight ones. (Cheers.) I wish every one could say as much. As for my opinions, all I shall say is, / never changed mine ; Mister O'Grady can't say as much." . " Sure there's a weathercock in the family," said the voice in the crowd. A loud laugh followed this sally, for the old dowager's eccentricity was not quite a secret. O'Grady looked as if he could have eaten the whole crowd at a mouthful. " Much has been said," continued Egan, " about gentlemen chalking out lines for themselves : now, the plain English of this very deter- mined chalking of their own line, is rubbing out every other man's line. Some of these chalking gentlemen have lines chalked up against them, and might find it difficult to pay the score if they were called to account. To such rubbing out other men's lines, and their own, too, may be con- venient ; but I don't like the practice. Boys, I have no more to say than this, We know and can trust each other J" Egan's address was received with acclamation, and when silence was restored, the sheriff demanded a show of hands ; and a very fine show of hands there was, and every hand had a stick in it. The show of hands was declared to be in favour of Egan, whereupon a poll was demanded on the part of Scatterbrain, after which every one began to move from the court-house. O'Grady, in very ill-humour, was endeavouring to shove past a herculean fellow, rather ragged, and very saucy, who did not seem inclined to give place to the savage elbowing of the Squire. " What brings such a ragged rascal as you here ? " said O'Grady, bru- tally ; " you're not an elector." ' Yis, I am !" replied the fellow, sturdily. ' Why, you can't have a lease, you beggar." ' No, but maybe I have an article."* ' What is your article ?" 'What is it?" retorted the fellow, with a fierce look at O'Grady. " Faith, it's a fine brass blundherbuss ; and I'd like to see the man would dispute the title." O'Grady had met his master, and could not reply ; the crowd shouted for the raggamuffin, and all parties separated, to gird up their loins for the next day's poll. A name given to a written engagement between landlord and tenant, promising to grant a lease, on which registration is allowed in Ireland. HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XIX. AFTER the angry words exchanged at the nomination, the most peaceable reader must have anticipated the probability of a duel ; but when the inflammable stuff of which Irishmen are made is considered, together with the excitement and pugnacious spirit attendant upon elections in all places, the certainty of a hostile meeting must have been apparent. The sheriff might have put the gentlemen under arrest, it is true, but that officer was a weak, thoughtless, and irresolute person, and took no such precaution ; though, to do the poor man justice, it is only fair to say, that such an intervention of authority at such a time and place would have been considered on all hands as a very impertinent, un- justifiable and discourteous interference with the private pleasures and privileges of gentlemen. Dick Dawson had a message conveyed to him from O'Grady, request- ing the honour of his company the next morning to " grass before breakfast ;" to which, of course, Dick returned an answer expressive of the utmost readiness to oblige the squire with his presence ; and, as the business of the election was of importance, it was agreed they should meet at a given spot on the way to the town, and so lose as little time as possible. The next morning, accordingly, the parties met at the appointed place, Dick attended by Edward O'Connor and Egan the former in capacity of his friend ; and O'Grady, with Scatterbrain for his second, and Furlong a looker-on : there were some straggling spectators besides, to witness the affair. " O'Grady looks savage, Dick," said Edward. " Yes," answered Dick, with a smile of as much unconcern as if he were going to lead off a country dance. " He looks as pleasant as a bull in a pound," " Take care of yourself, my dear Dick," said Edward, seriously. " My dear boy, don't make yourself uneasy," replied Dick, laughing. " I'll bet you two to one he misses me." Edward made no reply, but to his sensitive and more thoughtful nature, betting at such a moment savoured too much of levity, so, leaving his friend, he advanced to Scatterbrain, and they commenced making the preliminary preparations. During the period which this required, O'Grady was looking down sulkily or looking up fiercely, and striking his heel with vehemence into the sod, while Dick Dawson was whistling a planxty and eyeing his man. 1G2 HANDY ANDY. The arrangements were soon made, the men placed on their ground, and Dick saw by the intent look with which O'Grady marked him, that he meant mischief; they were handed their pistols the seconds retired the word was given, and as O'Grady raised his pistol, Dick saw he was completely covered, and suddenly exclaimed, throwing up his arm, " I beg your pardon for a moment." O'Grady involuntarily lowered his weapon, and seeing Dick standing perfectly erect, and nothing following his sudden request for this sus- pension of hostilities, asked, in a very angry tone, why he had inter- rupted him. " Because I saw you had me covered," said Dick, " and you'd have hit me if you had fired that time : now fire away as soon as you like !" added he, at the same moment rapidly bringing up his own pistol to the level. O'Grady was taken by surprise, and fancying Dick was going to blaze at him, fired hastily and missed his adversary. Dick made him a low bow, and fired in the air. O'Grady wanted another shot, saying Dawson had tricked him, but Scatterbrain felt the propriety of Edward O'Connor's objection to further fighting, after Dawson receiving O'Grady's fire ; so the gentle- men were removed from the ground, and the affair terminated. O'Grady, having fully intended to pink Dick, was excessively savage at being overreached, and went off to the election with a temper by no means sweetened by the morning's adventure, while Dick roared with laughing, exclaiming at intervals to Edward O'Connor, as he was putting up the pistols, " Did not I do him neatly ? " Off they cantered gaily to the high road, exchanging merry and cheering salutations with the electors, who were thronging towards the town in great numbers and all variety of manner, group, and costume. Some on foot, some on horseback, and some on cars ; the gayest attire of holiday costume, contrasting with the every-day rags of wretched- ness ; the fresh cheek of health and beauty making gaunt misery look more appalling, and the elastic step of vigorous youth outstripping the tardy pace of feeble age. Pedestrians were hurrying on in detach- ments of five or six the equestrians in companies less numerous ; sometimes the cavalier who could boast a saddle carrying a woman on a pillion behind him. But saddle or pillion were not an indispen- sable accompaniment to this equestrian duo, for many a " bare back" garran carried his couple, his only harness being a halter made of a hay-rope, which in time of need sometimes proves a substitute for rack and manger ; for it is not uncommon in Ireland to see the garran nibbling the end of his bridle when opportunity offers. The cars were in great variety : some bore small kishes,* in which a woman and some children might be seen others had a shake down of clean straw to serve for cushions ; while the better sort spread a feather-bed for greater comfort, covered by a patchwork quilt, the work of the "good woman" herself, whose own quilted petticoat vied in brightness with the calico roses on which she was sitting. The most luxurious indulged still further in some arched branches of hazel, which, bent above the car in the fashion * A large basket of coarse wicker-work, used mosUv for carrying turf, AnglicS peat. HANDY ANDY. 163 of a booth, bore another coverlid, by way of awning, and served for protection against the weather ; but few there were who could indulge in such a luxury as this of the " chaise marine," which is the name the contrivance bears, but why, Heaven only knows. The street of the town had its centre occupied at the broadest place with a long row of cars, covered in a similar manner to the chaise marine, a door or a shutter laid across underneath the awning, after the fashion of a counter, on which various articles were displayed for sale ; for the occasion of the election was as good as a fair to the small dealers, and the public were therefore favoured with the usual opportunity of purchasing uneatable gingerbread, knives that would not cut, spectacles to increase blindness, and other articles of equal usefulness. While the dealers here displayed their ware, and were vociferous in declaring its excellence, noisy groups passed up and down on either side of these ambulatory shops, discussing the merits of the candi- dates, predicting the result of the election, or giving an occasional cheer for their respective parties, with a twirl of a stick or the throwing up of a hat ; while from the houses on both sides of the street the scraping of fiddles, and the lilting of pipes increased the mingled din. But the crowd was thickest and the uproar greatest in front of the inn where Scatterbrain's committee sat, and before the house of Murphy, who gave up all his establishment to the service of the election, and whose stable-yard made a capital place of mustering for the tallies of Egan's electors to assemble ere they marched to the poll. At last the hour for opening the poll struck, the inn poured forth the Scatterbrains, and Murphy's stable-yard the Eganites, the two bodies of electors uttering thundering shouts of defiance, as, with rival banners flying, they joined in one common stream, rushing to give their votes, for as lor their voices, they were giving them most liberally and strenuously already. The dense crowd soon surrounded the hustings in front of the court-house, and the throes and heavings of this living mass resembled a turbulent sea lashed by a tempest : but what sea is more unruly than an excited crowd? what tempest fiercer than the breath of political excitement ? Conspicuous amongst those on the hustings were both the candidates and their aiders and abettors on either side ; O'Grady and Furlong, Dick Dawson and Tom Durfy for work, and Growling to laugh at them all. Edward O'Connor was addressing the populace in a spirit-stirring appeal to their pride and affections, stimulating them to support their tried and trusty friend, and not yield the honour of their county either to fear or favours of a stranger, nor copy the bad example which some (who ought to blush) had set them, of betraying old friends and aban- doning old principles. Edward's address was cheered by those who heard it : but being heard is not essential to the applause attendant on political addresses, for those who do not hear cheer quite as much as those who do. The old adage hath it, " Show me your company, and I'll tell you who you are;" and, in the spirit of the adage, one might say, " Let me see the speech-maker, and I'll tell you what he says." So, when Edward O'Connor sp6ke, the boys welcomed him with the shout of" Ned of the Hill for ever," and knowing to what tuno his M 2 IG-* HANDY ANDY. mouth would be opened, they cheered accordingly when he con- cluded. O'Grady, on evincing a desire to address them, was not so successful ; the moment he showed himself, taunts were flung at him ; but spite of this, attempting to frown down their dissatisfaction, he began to speak ; but he had not uttered six words when his voice was drowned in the discordant yells of a trumpet. It is scarcely necessary to tell the reader that the performer was the identical trumpeter of the preceding day, whom O'Grady had kicked so unmercifully, who, in indignation at his wrongs, had gone over to the enemy ; and having, after a night's hard work, disengaged the cork which Andy had crammed into his trumpet, appeared in the crowd ready to do battle in the popular cause. " Wait," he cried, " till that savage of a baste of a squire dares for to go for to spake ! won't I smother him !" Then he would put his instrument of vengeance to his lips, and produce a yell that made his auditors put their hands to their ears. Thus armed, he waited near the platform for O'Grady's speech, and put his threat effectually into execution. O'Grady saw whence the annoyance proceeded, and shook his fist at the delinquent, with protestations that the police should drag him from the crowd, if he dared to continue but every threat was blighted in the bud by a withering blast of the trumpet, which was regularly followed by a peal of laughter from the crowd. O'Grady s'amped and swore with rage, and calling Furlong, sent him to inform the sheriff how riotous the crowd were, and requested him to have the trumpeter seized. Furlong hurried off on his mission, and after a long search for the potential functionary, saw him in a distant corner engaged in what appeared to be an urgent discussion between him and Murtough Murphy, who was talking in the most jocular manner to the sheriff, who seemed any thing but amused with his argumentative merriment. The fact was, Murphy, while pushing the interests of Egan with an energy un- surpassed, did it all with the utmost mirthfulness, and gave his opponents a laugh in exchange for the point gained against them, and while he defeated, amused them. Furlong, after shoving and elbowing his way through the crowd, suffering from heat and exertion, came fussing up to the sheriff, wiping his face with a scented cambric pocket handkerchief. The sheriff and Murphy were standing close beside one of the polling desks, and on Furlong's lisping out " Miste' Shewiff," Murphy, recog- nising the voice and manner, turned suddenly round, and with the most provoking cordiality addressed him thus, with a smile and a nod : " Ah ! Mister Furlong, how d'ye do ? delighted to see you here we are at it, sir, hammer and tongs of course you are come to vole for Egan." Furlong, who intended to annihilate Murphy with an indignant repetition of the provoking question put to him, threw as much of defiance as he could into his namby pamby manner, and exclaimed " / vote for Egan ? " " Thank you, sir," said Murphy. " Record the vote," added he to the clerk. ^ There was loud laughter on one side, and anger as loud on the other, at the way in which Murphy had entrapped Furlong, and cheated him HANDY ANDY. 165 into voting against his own party, in vain the poor gull protested he never meant to vote for Egan. " But you did it," cried Murphy. " What the deuce have you done ? '' cried Scatterbrain's agent, in a rage. " Of course, they know I wouldn't vote that way," said Furlong. " I couldn't vote that way it's a mistake, and I pwotest against the twick." " We've got the trick, and we'll keep it, however,'' said Murphy. Scatterbrain's agent said 'twas unfair, and desired the polling-clerk not to record the vote. " Didn't every one hear him say, ' / vote for Egan ?' " asked Murphy. " But he didn't mean it, sir," said the agent. " I don't care what he meant, but I know he said it," retorted Murphy ; " and every one round knows he said it ; and as I mean what I say myself, I suppose every other gentleman does the same down with the vote, Mister polling-clerk." A regular wrangle now took place between the two agents, amidst the laughter of the bystanders, whose merriment was increased by Furlong's vehement assurances he did not mean to vote as Murphy wanted to make it appear he had ; but the more he protested the more the people laughed. This increased his energy in fighting out the point, until Scatterbrain's agent recommended him to desist, for that he was only interrupting their own voters from coming up. " Never mind now, sir," said the agent, " I'll appeal to the assessor about that vote." " Appeal as much as you like," said Murtough ; " that vote is as dead as a herring to you." Furlong finding further remonstrance unavailing, as regarded his vote, delivered to the sheriff the message of O'Grady, who was boiling over with impatience, in the meantime, at the delay of his messenger, and anxiously expecting the arrival of sheriff and police to coerce the villanous trumpeter and chastise the applauding crowd, which became worse and worse every minute. They exhibited a new source of provocation to O'Grady, by exposing a rat-trap hung at the end of a pole, with the caged vermin within, and vociferated " Rat, rat," in the pauses of the trumpet. Scatterbrain remembering the hearing they gave him the previous day, hoped to silence them, and begged O'Grady to permit him to address them ; but the whim of the mob was up, and could not be easily diverted, and Scatterbrain himself was hailed with the name of " Rat-catcher." " You cotch him and I wish you joy of him ! " cried one. " How much did you give for him ?" shouted another. " What did you bait your thrap with?" roared a third. " A bit o' threasury bacon,'' was the answer from a stentorian voice amidst the multitude, who shouted with laughter at the apt rejoinder, which they reiterated from one end of the crowd to the other, and the cry of " threasury bacon" rang far and wide. Scatterbrain and O'Grady consulted together on the hustings what was to be done, while Dick the Devil was throwing jokes to the crowd, and inflaming their mischievous merriment, and Growling looking on with an expression of internal delight at the fun. uproar, and vexation 166 HANDY ANDY. around him. It was just a dish to his taste, and he devoured it with silent satisfaction. " What the deuce keeps that sneaking dandy ? " cried O'Grady to Scatterbrain. " He should have returned long ago." Oh ! could he have only known at that moment, that his sweet son-in-law elect was voting against them, what would have been the consequence ! Another exhibition, insulting to O'Grady, now appeared in the crowd, a chimney-pot and weathercock, after the fashion of his mother's, was stuck on a pole, and underneath was suspended an old coat turned inside out; this double indication of his change, so peculiarly insulting, was elevated before the hustings amidst the jeers and laughter of the people. O'Grady was nearly frantic he rushed to the front of the platform, -he shook his fist at the mockery, poured every abusive epi- thet on its perpetrators, and swore he would head the police himself and clear the crowd. In reply the crowd hooted, the rat-trap and weather- cock were danced together after the fashion of Punch and Judy, to the music of the trumpet ; and another pole made its appearance, with a piece of bacon on it, and a placard bearing the inscription of " Treasury bacon," all which Tom Durfy had run off to procure at a huckster's shop, the moment he heard the waggish answer which he thus turned to account. <( The military must be called out !" said O'Grady ; and with these words he left the platform to seek the sheriff. Edward O'Connor, the moment he heard O'Grady's threat, quitted the hustings also, in company with old Growling. " What a savage and dangerous temper that man has !" said Edward; " calling for the military when the people have committed no outrage to require such interference." " They have poked up the bear with their poles, sir, and it is likely he'll give them a hug before he's done with them," answered the doctor. " But what need of military ? " indignantly exclaimed Edward. " The people are only going on with the noise and disturbance common to any election, and the chances are, that savage man may influence the sheriff to provoke the people, by the presence of soldiers, to some act which would not have taken place but for their interference, and thus they themselves originate the offence which they are fore- armed with power to chastise. In England such extreme measures are never resorted to, until necessity compels them. How I have envied English- men, when on the occasion of assizes every soldier is marched from the town while the judge is sitting ; in Ireland the place of trial bristles with bayonets ! How much more must a people respect and love the laws, whose own purity and justice are their best safeguard ! whose inherent majesty is sufficient for their own protection ! The sword of justice should never need the assistance of the swords of dragoons, and in the election of their representatives, as well as at judicial sittings, a people should be free from military despotism. " But, as an historian, my dear young friend, 5 ' said the doctor, " I need not remind you that dragoons have been considered ' good lookers-on ' in Ireland since the days of Strafford." HANDY ANDY. 167 " Ay !" said Edward ; " and scandalous it is, that the abuses of the seventeenth century should be perpetuated in the nineteenth.* While those who govern show, by the means they adopt for supporting their authority, that their rule requires undue force to uphold it, they tacitly teach resistance to the people, and their practices imply that the resist- ance is righteous." " My dear Master Ned," said the doctor, " you're a patriot, and I'm sorry for you ; you inherit the free opinions of your namesake ' of the hill ' of blessed memory ; with such sentiments you may make a very good Irish barrister, but you'll never be an Irish judge and as for a silk gown, 'faith you may leave the wearing of that to your wife, for stuff is all that will ever adorn your shoulders." " Well, I would rather have stuff there, than in my head," answered Edward. " Very epigrammatic, indeed, Master Ned," said the doctor. " Let us make a distich of it," added he, with a chuckle ; " for, of a verity, some of the K. C.'s of our times are but dunces. Let's see how will it go?" Edward dashed off this couplet in a moment " Of modern king's counsel this truth may be said, They have silk on their shoulders, but stuff m their head." " Neat enough," said the doctor ; " but you might contrive more sting in it ; something to the tune of the impossibility of making ' a silk purse out of a sow's ear,' but the facility of manufacturing silk gowns out of bore's heads." " That's out of your bitter pill-box, Doctor," said Ned, smiling. " Put it into rhyme, Ned and set it to music and dedicate it to the bar mess, and see how you'll rise in your profession ! Good-b'ye I will be back again to see the fun as soon as I can, but I must go now and visit an old woman who is in doubt whether she stands most in need of me or the priest. It's wonderful, how little people think of the other world till they are going to leave this ; and with all their praises of heaven, how very anxious they are to stay out of it as long as they can !" With this bit of characteristic sarcasm, the doctor and Edward separated. Edward had hardly left the hustings, when Murphy hurried on the platform and asked for him. " He left, a few minutes ago," said Tom Durfy. " Well, I dare say he's doing good, wherever he is," said Murtough ; " I wanted to speak to him, but when he comes back send him to me. In the mean time, Tom, run down and bring up a good batch of voters we're getting a little a--head, I think, with the bothering I'm giving them up there, and now I want to push them with good strong tallies run down to the yard, like a good fellow, and march them up." Off posted Tom Durfy on his mission, and Murphy returned to the court-house. * When Stafford's infamous project of the wholesale robbery of Connaught was put in practice, not being quite certain of his juries, he writes that he will scud -300 horse to the province during the proceedings, " as guud lookers-on." 168 HANDY ANDY. Tom, on reaching Murphy's house, found a strong posse of O'Grady's party hanging round the place, and one of the fellows had backed a car against the yard gate which opened on the street, and was the outlet for Egan's voters. By way of excuse for this, the car was piled with cabbages for sale, and a couple of very unruly pigs were tethered to the shafts, and the strapping fellow who owned all, kept guard over them. Tom immediately told him he should leave that place, and an alterca- tion commenced ; but even an electioneering dispute could not but savour of fun and repartee, between Paddies. " Be off," said Tom. " Sure I can't be off till the market's over," was the answer. " Well, you must take your car out of this." " Indeed now, you'll let me stay, Misther Durfy." "Indeed I won't." " Arrah ! what harm ?" " You're stopping up the gate on purpose, and you must go." " Sure your honour wouldn't spile my stand !" " Faith. I'll spoil more than your stand, if you don't leave that." " Not finer cabbage in the world." " Go out o' that now, ' while your shoes are good,' "* said Tom, seeing he had none ; for in speaking of shoes, Tom had no intention of alluding to the word choux, and thus making a French pun upon the cabbage, for Tom did not understand French, but rather despised it as a jack-a-dandy acquirement. " Sure, you wouldn't ruin my market, Misther Durfy !" " None of your humbugging but be off at once," said Tom, whose tone indicated he was very much in earnest. " Not a nicer slip of a pig in the market than the same pigs I'm expectin' thirty shillin's a piece for them." "Faith, you'll get more than thirty shillings," cried Tom, "in less than thirty seconds, if you don't take your dirty cabbages and black- guard pigs out o' that !" " Dirty cabbages !" echoed the fellow, in a tone of surprise. The order to depart was renewed. " Blackguard pigs !" cried Paddy, in affected wonder. "Ah, Masther Tom, one would think it was afther dinner you wor." " What do you mean, you rap ? do you intend to say I'm drunk ?" " Oh no, sir ! But if it's not afther dinner wid you, I think you wouldn't turn up your nose at bacon and greens." " Oh, with all your joking," said Tom, laughing, " you won't find me a chicken to pluck for your bacon and greens, my boy ; so, start ! vanish ! disperse ! my bacon merchant ! While this dialogue was going forward, several cars were gathered round the place, with a seeming view to hem in Egan's voters, and interrupt their progress to the poll ; but the gate of the yard suddenly opened, and the fellows within soon upset the car which impeded their egress, gave freedom to the pigs, who used their liberty in eating the cabbages, while their owner was making cause with his party of O'Gradyites against the * A saying among the Irish peasantry, meaning, tlieie is danger in delay. HANDY ANDY. 169 outbreak of Egan's men. The affair was not one of importance ; the numbers were not sufficient to constitute a good row it was but a hustling affair, after all, and a slight scrimmage enabled Tom Durfy to head his men in a rush to the poll. The polling was now prosecuted vigorously on both sides, each party anxious to establish a majority on the first day ; and of course the usual practices for facilitating their own, and retarding their opponent's pro- gress, were resorted to. Scatterbrain's party, to counteract the energetic movement of the enemy's voters, and Murphy's activity, got up a mode of interruption seldom made use of, but of which they availed themselves on the present occasion. It was determined to put the oath of allegiance to all the Roman Catholics, by which some loss of time to the Eganite party was effected. This gave rise to odd scenes and answers, occasionally ; some of the fellows did not know what the oath of allegiance meant ; some did not know whether there might not be a scruple of conscience against taking it ; others, indignant at what they felt to be an insulting mode of address, on the part of the person who said to them, in a tone savouring of supremacy" You're a Roman Catholic," would not answer imme- diately, and gave dogged looks, and sometimes dogged answers ; and it required address on the part of Egan's agents to make them overcome such feelings, and expedite the work of voting. At last, the same herculean fellow who gave O'Grady the fierce answer about the blun- derbuss tenure he enjoyed, came up to vote, and fairly bothered the querist with his ready replies, which, purposely, were never to the purpose ; the examination ran nearly thus : " You're a Roman Catholic ?" " Am I ?" said the fellow. " Are you not ?" demanded the agent. " You say I am," was the answer. " Come, sir, answer What's your religion ?" " The thrue religion." " What religion is that?" " My religion." " And what's your religion ?" " My mother's religion." " And what was your mother's religion ?" " She tuk whisky in her lay." " Come, now, I'll find you out, as cunning as you are," said the agent, piqued into an encounter of the wits with this fellow, whose baffling of every question pleased the crowd. " You bless yourself, don't you ?" " When I'm done with you, I think I ought." " What place of worship do you go to ?" " The most convaynient." " But of what persuasion are you ?" " My persuasion is that you won't find it out." " What is your belief?" " My belief is that you re puzzled." 170 HANDY ANDY. " Do you confess ?" " Not to you." " Come ! now I havp you. Who would you send for if you were likely to die?" " Docthor GrowlinV " Not for the priest?" " I must first get a messenger." " Confound you're quibbling! tell me, then, what your opinions are your conscientious opinions, I mean?" " They are the same as my landlord's." " And what are your landlord's opinions ?" " Faix, his opinion is, that I won't pay him the last half-year's rint ; and I'm of the same opinion myself." A roar of laughter followed this answer, and dumb-foundered the agent for a time ; but, angered at the successful quibbling of the sturdy and wily fellow before him, he at last declared, with much severity of manner, that he must have a direct reply. " I insist, sir, on your an- swering, at once, are you a Roman Catholic ?" " I am," said the fellow. " And could you not say so at once ?" repeated the officer. " You never axed me ?" returned the other. " I did," said the officer. " Indeed, you didn't. You said I was a great many things, but you never axed me you wor dhrivin' crass words and cruked questions at me, and I gev you answers to match them, for sure I thought it was manners to cut out my behavor on your own patthern." " Take the oath, sir !" " Where am I to take it to, sir ?" inquired the provoking blackguard. The clerk was desired to " swear him" without further notice being taken of his impertinent answer. " I hope the oath is not woiyhty, sir, for my conscience is tindher since the last alibi I swore." The business of the interior was now suspended for a time by the sounds of fierce tumult which arose from without. Some rushed from the court-house to the platform outside, and beheld the crowd in a state of great excitement, beating back the police, who had been engaged in endeavouring to seize the persons and things which had offended O'Grady; and the police, falling back for support on a party of military which O'Grady had prevailed on the sheriff to call out. The sheriff was a weak, irresolute man, and was over-persuaded by such words as " mob" and " riot," and breaches of peace being about to be committed, if the ruffians were not checked before-hand. The wisdom of preventive measures was preached, and the rest of the hacknied phrases were paraded, which brazen-faced and iron-handed oppressors are only too familiar with. The people were now roused, and thoroughly defeated the police, who were forced to fly to the lines of the military party for pro- tection ; having effected this object, the crowd retained their position, and did not attempt to assault the soldiers, though a very firm and HANDY ANDY. 171 lowering front was presented to them, and shouts of defiance against the *' Peelers"* rose loud and long. " A round of ball cartridge would cool their courage," said O'Grady. The English officer in command of the party, looking with wonder and reproach upon him, asked if he had the command of the party. " No, sir ; the sheriff, of course ; but if I were in his place, I'd soon disperse the rascals." " Did you ever witness the effect of a fusilade, sir ?" inquired the officer. " No, sir," said O'Grady, gruffly; " but I suppose I know pretty well what it is." " For the sake of humanity, sir," I hope you do not, or I am willing to believe you would not talk so lightly of it ; but it is singular how much fonder civilians are of urging measures that end in blood, than those whose profession is arms, and who know how disastrous is their use." The police were ordered to advance again and seize the " ringleaders :" they obeyed, unwillingly ; but being saluted with some stones, their in- dividual wrath was excited, and they advanced to chastise the mob, who again drove them back ; and a nearer approach to the soldiers was made by the crowd in the scuffle which ensued. " Now, will you fire ?" said O'Grady to the sheriff. The sheriff, who was a miserable coward, was filled with dread at the threatening aspect of the mob, and wished to have his precious person under shelter before hostilities commenced ; so, with pallid lips, and his teeth chattering with fear, he exclaimed : " No ! no ! no ! don't fire don't fire don't be precipitate : besides, I hav'n't read the Riot Act." " There's no necessity for firing, sir, I should say," said the captain. " I thought not, captain I hope not, captain," said the sheriff', who now assumed a humane tone. " Think of the effusion of blood, my dear sir!" said he to O'Grady, who was grinning like a fiend all the time " the sacrifice of human life I couldn't, sir I can't, sir besides, the Riot Act hav'n't it about me must be read, you know, Mister O'Grady." " Not always," said O'Grady, fiercely. " But the inquiry is always very strict after, if it is not, sir I should not like the effusion of human blood, sir. unless the Riot Act was read, and the thing done regularly don't think I care for the d d rascals, a button, sir, only the regularity, you know ; and the effusion of human blood is serious, and the inquiry, too, without the Riot Act. Captain, would you oblige me to fall back a little closer round the court- house, and maintain the freedom of election. Besides, the Riot Act is up stairs, in my desk. The court-house must be protected, you know, find I just want to run up stairs for the Riot Act; I'll be down again in a moment. Captain, do oblige me draw your men a leel/e closer round the court-house." * The name given to the police by the people the force being first established by Sir Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, Secretary for Ireland. 172 HANDY ANDY. " I'm in a better position here, sir/' said the captain. " I thought, sir, you were under my command, sir," said the sheriff. " Under your command to fire, sir, but the choice of position rests with me ; and we are stronger where we are, the court-house is com- pletely covered, and while my men are under arms here, you may rely on it the crowd is completely in check without firing a shot." Off ran the sheriff to the court-house. " You're saving of your gunpowder, I see, sir," said O'Grady to the captain, with a sardonic grin. " You seem to be equally sparing of your humanity, sir,'' returned the captain. " God forbid I should be afraid of a pack of ruffians," said O'Grady. " Or I of a single one," returned the captain, with a look of stern contempt. There is no knowing what this bitter bandying of hard words might 'lave led to, had it not been interrupted by the appearance of the sheriff it one of the windows of the court-house ; there, with the Riot Act in his aand, he called out : " Now I've read it fire away, boys fire away !" and all his com- punction about the effusion of blood vanished the moment his own miserable carcase was safe from harm. Again he waived the Riot Act from the window, and vociferated, " Fire away, boys," as loud as his frog-like voice permitted. " Now, sir, you're ordered to fire," said O'Grady to the captain. " I'll not obey that order, sir,'' said the captain ; " the man is out of his senses with fear, and I'll not obey such a serious command from a madman." " Do you dare disobey the orders of the sheriff, sir ?" thundered O'Grady. " I am responsible for my act, sir," said the captain " seriously responsible ; but I will not slaughter unarmed people until I see further and fitter cause." The sheriff had vanished he was nowhere to be seen and O'Grady as a magistrate had now the command. Seeing the cool and courageous man he had to deal with in the military chief, he determined to push matters to such an extremity that he should be forced, in self-defence, to fire. With this object in view he ordered a fresh advance of the police upon the people, and in this third affair matters assumed a more se- rious aspect ; sticks and stones were used with more effect, and the two parties being nearer to each other, the missiles meant only for the police, overshot their mark and struck the soldiers, who bore their pain- ful situation with admirable patience. " Now will you fire, sir ?" said O'Grady to the officer. " If I fire now, sir, I am as likely to kill the police as the peopk withdraw your police first, sir, and then I will fire." This was but reasonable so reasonable, that even O'Grady, enrag -d almost to madness, as he was, could not gainsay it ; and he went forward himself to withdraw the police force. O'Grady's presence increased the rage of the mob, whose blood was now thoroughly up, and as the police fell back they were pressed by the infuriated people, who now began HANDY ANDY. 173 almost to disregard the presence of the military, and poured down in a resistless stream upon them. O'Grady repeated his command to the captain, who, finding matters thus driven to extremity, saw no longer the possibility of avoiding bloodshed ; and the first preparatory word of the fatal order was given, the second on his lips, and the long file of bright muskets flashed in the sun ere they should quench his light for ever to some, and carry darkness to many a heart and hearth, when a young and handsome man, mounted on a noble horse, came plunging and ploughing his way through the crowd, and, rushing between the half-levelled muskets and those who in another instant would have fallen their victims, he shouted in a voice whose noble tone carried to its hearers involuntary obedience, " Stop ! for God's sake, stop !" Then wheeling his horse suddenly round, he charged along the advancing front of the people, plunging his horse fiercely upon them, and waving them back with his hand, enforcing his commands with words as well as actions. The crowd fell back as he pressed upon them with a fiery horsemanship unsurpassable by an Arab ; and as his dark clustering hair streamed about his noble face, pale from excitement, and with flashing eyes, he was a model worthy of the best days of Grecian art ay, and he had a soul worthy of the most glorious times of Grecian liberty ! It was Edward O'Connor. " Fire !" cried O'Grady, again. The gallant soldier, touched by the heroism of O'Connor, and roused by the brutality of O'Grady beyond his patience, in the excitement of the moment, was urged beyond the habitual parlance of a gentleman, and swore vehemently, " I'll be damned if I do ! I wouldn't run the risk of shooting that noble fellow for all the magistrates in your county." O'Connor had again turned round, and rode up to the military party, having heard the word ' fire !' repeated. " For mercy sake, sir, don't fire, and I pledge you my soul the crowd shall disperse." " Ay !" cried O'Grady, " they won't obey the laws nor the magis- trates ; but they'll listen fast enough to a d d rebel like you." " Liar and ruffian !" exclaimed Edward, " I'm a better and more loyal subject than you, who provoke resistance to the laws you should make honoured." At the word " liar," O'Grady, now quite frenzied, attempted to seize a musket from a soldier beside him; and had he succeeded in obtaining possession of it, Edward O'Connor's days had been numbered ; but the soldier would not give up his firelock, and O'Grady, intent on imme- diate vengeance, then rushed upon Edward, and seizing him by the leg, attempted to unhorse him, but Edward was too firm in his seat for this, and a struggle ensued. The crowd, fearing Edward was about to fall a victim, raised a fierce shout, and were about to advance, when the captain, with admirable presence of mind, seized O'Grady, dragged him away from his hold, and gave freedom to Edward, who instantly used it again to charge the advancing line of the mob, and drive them back. 174 HANDY ANDY. " Back, boys, back !" he cried, " don't give your enemies a triumph by being disorderly. Disperse retire into houses, let nothing tempt you to riot collect round your tally rooms, and come up quietly to the polling and you will yet have a peaceful triumph." The crowd, obeying, gave three cheers for " Ned-o'-the-Hill," and the dense mass, which could not be awed, and dreaded not the engines of war, melted away before the breath of peace. As they retired on one side, the soldiers were ordered to their quarters on the other, while their captain and Edward O'Connor stood in the midst ; but ere they separated, these two, with charity in their souls, waved their hands towards each other in token of amity, and parted, verily, in friendship. IUNDY ANDY. 175 CHAPTER XX. AFTER the incidents just recorded, of course great confusion and excitement existed, during which O'Grady was forced back into the court-house, in a state bordering on insanity. Inflamed as his furious passions had been to the top of their bent, and his thirst of revenge still remaining unslaked, foiled in all his movements, and flung back as it were into the seething cauldron of his own hellish temper, he was a pitiable sight, foaming at the mouth like a wild animal, and uttering the most horrid imprecations. On Edward O'Connor principally hi,; curses fell, with denunciations of immediate vengeance, and the punish- ment of dismissal from the service was prophesied on oath for the English captain. The terrors of a court-martial gleamed fitfully through the frenzied mind of the raving squire for the soldier ; and for O'Connor, instant death at his own hand was his momentary cry. " Find the rascal for me," he exclaimed, " that I may call him out and shoot him like a dog yes, by , a dog a dog : I'm disgraced while he lives I wish the villain had three lives, that I might take them all at once all all ! " and he stretched out his hands as he spoke, and grasped at the air as if in imagination he clutched the visionary lives his bloodthirsty wishes conjured up. Edward, as soon as he saw the crowd dispersed, returned to the hustings, and sought Dick Dawson, that he might be in readiness to undertake, on his part, the arrangement of the hostile meeting, to which he knew he should be immediately called. " Let it be over, my dear Dick, as soon as possible," said Edward ; " it is not a case in which delay can be of any service ; the insult was mortal between us, and the sooner expiated by a meeting the better." " Don't be so agitated, Ned," said Dick ; " fair and easy, man, fair and easy keep yourself cool." " Dear Dick I'll be cool on the ground, but not till then, I want the meeting over before my father hears of the quarrel I'm his only child, Dick, and you know how he loves me !" He wrung Dick's hand as he spoke, and his eye glistened with tenderness, but with the lightning quickness of thought all gentle feeling vanished, as he saw Scatterbrain struggling his way towards him, and read in his eye the purport of his approach. He communi- cated to Edward his object in seeking him, and was at once referred to Dawson, who instantly retired with him, and arranged an immediate meeting. This was easily done, as they had their pistols with them since the duel in the morning; and if there be those who think it a little too much of a good thing to have two duels in one day, pray let them remember it was election time, and even in sober England, that 176 HANDY ANDY. period often gives rise to personalities which call for the intervention of the code of honour. Only in Ireland, the thing is sooner over. We seldom have three columns of a newspaper filled with notes on the subject, numbered from 1 to 25. Gentlemen don't consider whether it is too soon or too late to fight, or whether a gentleman is perfectly entitled to call him out or not. The title in Ireland is generally con- sidered sufficient in the will to do it, and few there would wait for the poising of a very delicately balanced scale of etiquette before going to the ground ; they would be more likely to fight first, and leave the world to argue about the niceties after. In the present instance, a duel was unavoidable, and it was to be feared a mortal one, for deadly insult had been given on both sides. The rumour of the hostile meeting flew like wildfire through the town ; and when the parties met in a field about a quarter of a mile beyond the bridge, an anxious crowd was present. The police were obliged to be in strong force on the ground, to keep back the people, who were not now, as an hour before, in the town, in uproarious noise and action, but still as death ; not a murmur was amongst them the excitement of love for the noble young champion, whose life was in danger for his care of them, held them spell-bound in a tranquillity almost fearful. The aspect of the two principals was in singular contrast ; on the one side, a man burning for revenge, who, to use a common, but terrible parlance, desired to " wash out the dishonour put upon him in blood." The other was there, regretting that cause existed for the awful arbitre- ment, and only anxious to defend his own, not take another's life. To sensitive minds the reaction is always painful of having insulted another, when the excitement is over which prompted it : when the hot blood which inflamed the brain runs in cooler currents, the man of feeling always regrets, if he does not reproach himself, with having urged his fellow-man to break the commandments of the Most High, and deface, perhaps annihilate, the form that was moulded in His image. The words "liar and ruffian " haunted Edward's mind reproachfully ; but then the provocation " Rebel !" No gentleman could brook it. Because his commiseration for a people had endeared him to them, was he to be called " rebel ?" Because, at the risk of his own life, he had preserved perhaps scores, and prevented an infraction of the law, was he to be called " rebel ?" He stood acquitted before his own con- science after all, the most terrible bar before which we can be called. The men were placed upon their ground, and the word to fire given. O'Grady, in his desire for vengeance, raised his pistol deliberately, with deadly aim, and Edward was thus enabled to fire first, and with such cool precision that his shot took effect as he intended ; O'Grady 's pistol arm was ripped up from the wrist to the elbow ; but so determined was his will, and so firm his aim, that the wound, severe as it was, produced but a slight twitch in his hand, which threw it up slightly, and saved Edward's life, for the ball passed through his haijust above his head. ^ O'Grady's arm instantly after dropped to his side, the pistol fell from his hand, and.he staggered, for the pain of the wound was extreme. His second ran to his assistance. HANDY ANDY. 177 " It is only in the arm," said O'Grady, firmly, though his voice was changed by the agony he suffered; " give me another pistol." Dick at the same moment was beside Edward. " You're not touched," he said. Edward coolly pointed to his hat. " Too much powder," said Dick ; " I thought so when his pistols were loaded." " No," said Edward, " it was my shot ; I saw his hand twitch." Scatterbrain demanded of Dick another shot on the part of O'Grady. " By all means," was the answer, and he handed a fresh pistol to Edward. " To give the devil his due,'' said Dick, " he has great pluck, for you hit him hard see how pale he looks I don't think he can hurt you much this time but watch him well, my dear Ned." The seconds withdrew, but with all O'Grady's desperate courage, he could not lift the pistol with his right arm, which, though hastily bound in a handkerchief, was bleeding profusely, and racked with torture. On finding his right hand powerless, such was his unflinching courage, that he took the pistol in his left ; this of course impaired his power of aim, and his nerve was so shattered by his bodily suffering, that his pistol was discharged before coming to the level, and Edward saw the sod torn up close beside his foot. He then, of course, fired in the air. O'Grady would have fallen but for the immediate assistance of his friends, he was led from the ground and placed in a carriage, and it was not until Edward O'Connor mounted his horse to ride away, that the crowd manifested their feelings. Then three tremendous cheers arose ; and the shouts of their joy and triumph reached the wounded man as he was driven slowly from the ground. 178 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XXI. THE widow Flanagan had long ago determined that, whenever the election should take place, she would take advantage of the great influx of visitors that event would produce, and give a grand party. Her pre- parations were all made to secure a good muster of her country friends, when once the day of nomination was fixed ; and after the election begun, she threw out all her hooks and lines in every direction to catch every straggler worth having whom the election brought into the town. It required some days to do this ; and it was not until the eve of the fifth, that her house was turned upside down and inside out for the reception of the numerous guests whose company she expected. The toil of the day's election was over : the gentlemen had dined and refreshed themselves with creature comforts ; the vicissitudes, and tricks, and chances of the last twelve were hours canvassed, when the striking of many a clock, or the consultation of the pocket-dial, warned those who were invited to Mrs. O'Flanagan's party, that it was time to wash off the dust of the battle-field from their faces, and mount fresh linen and cambrick. Those who were pleased to call themselves " good fellows " declared for " another bottle ;" the faint-hearted swore that an autograph invitation from Venus herself to the heathen Olympus, with nectar and ambrosia for tea and bread-and-butter, could not tempt them from the Christian enjoyment of a feather-bed after the fag of such a day ; but the preux chevaliers those who did deserve to win a fair lady shook off sloth and their morning trousers, and taking to tights and activity, hurried to the party of the buxom widow. The widow was in her glory ; hospitable, she enjoyed receiving hei friends, mirthful, she looked forward to a long night of downright sport, coquettish, she would have good opportunity of letting Tom Durfy see how attractive she was to the men, while from the women her love of gossip and scandal (was there ever a lady in her position without it?) would have ample gratification in the accumulated news of the county for twenty miles round. She had but one large room at her command, and that was given up to the dancing ; and being cleared of tables, chairs, and carpet, could not be considered by Mrs. Flanagan as a proper reception- room for her guests, who were, therefore, received in a smaller apart- ment, where tea and coffee, toast and muffins, ladies and gentlemen, were all smoking hot together, and the candles on the mantel-piece trickling down rivulets of fat in the most sympathetic manner, under the influence of the gentle sighing of a broken pane of glass, which the head of an inquiring youth in the street had stove in, while flattening his nose against it, in hope of getting a glimpse of the company through the opening in the window curtain. HANDY ANDY. 179 At last, when the room could hold no more, the company were drafted off to the dancing-room, which had only long deal forms placed against the wall to rest the weary after the exertions of the jig. The aforesaid forms, by-the-bye, were borrowed from the chapel : the old wigsby who had the care of them for some time doubted the propriety of the sacred property being put to such a profane use, until the widow's arguments convinced him it was quite right, after she had given him a ten- penny piece. As the dancing-room could not boast of a lustre, the deficiency was supplied by tin sconces hung against the wall ; for or- molu branches are not expected to be plenty in county towns. But let the widow be heard for herself, as she bustled through her guests, and caught a critical glance at her arrangements : " What's that you're faulting now ? is it my deal seats without cushions ? Ah ! you're a lazy Larry, Bob Larkin. Cock you up with a cushion indeed ! if you sit the less, you'll dance the more. Ah! Matty, I see you're eyeing my tin sconces there ; well, surs they have them at the county ball, when can- dlesticks are scarce, and what would you expect grander from a poor lone woman ? besides, we must have plenty of lights, or how could the beaux see the girls ? though I see, Harry Cassidy, by your sly look, that you think they look as well in the dark ah ! you dioil .'" and she slapped his shoulder as she ran past. " Ah ! Mister Murphy, I'm de- lighted to see you ; what kept you so late ? the election, to be sure. Well, we're beating them, ain't we ? Ah ! the old country for ever. I hope Edward O'Connor will be here. Come, begin the dance ; there's the piper and the fiddler in the corner as idle as a milestone without a number. Tom Durfy, don't ask me to dance, for I'm engaged for the next four sets.'' " Oh ! but the first to me," said Tom. " Ah ! yis, Tom, I was ; but then you know,' I couldn't refuse the stranger from Dublin, and the English captain that will be here by- and-by ; he's a nice man too, and long life to him, would'nt fire on the people the other day ; I vow to the Virgin, all the women in the room ought to kiss him when he comes in. Ah, doctor ! there you are ; there's Mrs. Gubbins in the corner dying to have a chat with you ; go over to her. Who's that taazing the piano there ? Ah ! James Reddy, it's you I see. I hope it's in tune ; 'tis only four months since the tuner was here. I hope you've a new song for us, James. The tuner is so scarce, Mrs. Riley, in the country not like Dublin ; but we poor country people, you know, must put up with what we can get ; not like you citizens, who has lashings of luxuries as easy as peas." Then, in a confidential whisper, she said : " I hope your daughter has prac- tised the new piece well to-day, for I couldn't be looking after her, you know, to-day, being in such a bustle ; with my party I was just like a dog in a fair, in and out everywhere ; but I hope she's perfect in the piece ;" then, still more confidentially, she added : " for he's here ah ! I wish it was, Mrs. Riley ;" then, with a nod and a wink, off she rattled through 'the room with a word for every body. The Mrs. Riley, to whom she was so confidential, was a friend from Dublin, an atrociously vulgar woman, with a more vulgar daughter, who were on a visit with Mrs. Flanagan. The widow and the mother N 2 180 HANDY ANDY. thought Murtough Murphy would be a good speculation for the daughter to " cock her cap at," (to use their own phrase,) and with this view, the visit to the country was projected. But matters did not prosper ; Murphy was not much of a marrying man ; and if ever he might be caught in the toils of Hymen, some frank, joyous, unaffected, dashing girl would have been the only one likely to serve a writ on the jovial attorney's heart. Now Miss Riley was, to use Murtough Murphy's own phrase, '' a batch of brass and a stack of affectation," and the airs she attempted to play oft' on the country folk, Murphy in particular, only made her an object for his mischievous merriment : as an example, we may as well touch on one little incident en passant. The widow had planned one day a walking party to a picturesque ruin, not very far from the town, and determined that Murphy should give his arm to Miss Ililey ; for the party was arranged in couples, with a most deadly design on the liberty of the attorney. At the appointed hour, all had arrived but Murphy ; the widow thought it a happy chance, so she hurried off the party, leaving Miss Riley to wait and follow under his escort. In about a quarter of an hour hecaiue, having met the widow in the street, who sent him back for Miss Riley. Now Murtough saw the trap which was intended for him, and thought it fail- to make what fun he could out of the affair, and, being already sickened by various disgusting exhibitions of the damsel's affectation, he had the less scruple of " taking her down a peg," as he said himself. When Murtough reached the house and asked for Miss Ililey, lie was ushered into the little drawing-room ; and there was that very full- blown young lady, on a chair before the fire, her left foot resting on the fender, her right crossed over it, and her body thrown back in a re- clining attitude, with a sentimental droop of the head over a greasy novel: her figure was rather developed by her posture, indeed, more so than Miss Riley quite intended, for her ankles were not unexcep- tionable, and the position of her feet revealed rather more. A bonnet and green veil lay on the hearth-rug, and her shawl hung over the handle of the fire-shovel. When Murphy entered, he was received with a faint " How d' do ? " " Pretty well, I thank you; how are you ?" said Murphy, in his rol- licking tone. " Oh ! Miste* Murphy, you are so odd." " Odd, am I, how am I odd ?" " Oh ! so odd." " Well, you'd better put on your bonnet and come walk, and we can talk of my oddity after.'' " Oh, indeed, I cawn't walk." " Can't walk !'' exclaimed Murphy. " Why can't you walk ? I was sent for you.'' " 'Deed I cawnt." " Ah now ! " said Murphy, giving her a little tender poke of his forefinger on the shoulder. " Don't Mister Murphy, pray don't." " but why won't you walk T 1 ' " I'm too delicate." HANDY ANDY. 181 Murphy uttered a very long Oh ! ! ! ! ! " 'Deed I am, Miste' Murphy, though you may disbelieve it." " Well a nice walk is the best thing in the world for the health. Come along!" " Cawn't indeed ; a gentle walk on a terrace, or a shadowy avenue, is all very well the Rotunda Gardens, for instance." " Not forgetting the military bands that play there," said Murphy, " together with the officers of all the barracks in Dublin, clinking their sabres at their heels along the gravel walks, all for the small charge of a fi'penny bit." Miss Riley gave a reproachful look and shrug at the vulgar mention oft a " fi'penny bit," which Murphy purposely said to shock her " Brummagem gentility.'' " How can you be so odd, Miste' Murphy ?" she said. " I don't joke, indeed ; a gentle walk I repeat it is all very well ; but these horrid rough country walks these masculine walks, I may say are not consistent with a delicate frame like mine." " A delicate frame !" said Murtough. " Faith, I'll tell you what it is, Miss Riley," said he, standing bolt upright before her, plunging his hands into his pockets, and fixing his eyes on her feet, which still maintained their original position on the fender " I'll tell you what it is, Miss Riley ; by the vartue of my oath, if your other leg is a match for the one I see, the divil a harm a trot from this to Dublin would do you." Miss Riley gave a faint scream, and popped her legs under her chair, while Murphy ran off in a shout of laughter and joined the party, to whom he made no secret of his joke. But all this did not damp Miss Riley's hopes of winning him. She changed her plan ; and seeing he did not bow to what she considered the supremacy of her very elegant manners, she set about feigning at once admiration and dread of him. She would sometimes lift her eyes to Murtough with a languishing expression, and declare she never knew any one she was so afraid of; but even this double attack on h ; s vanity could not turn Murphy's flank, and so a very laughable flirtation went on between them, he letting her employ all the enginery of her sex against him, with a mischievous enjoyment in her blindness at not seeing she was throwing away her powder and shot. But, to return to the party, a rattling country dance now called out at once the energies of the piper, the fiddler, and the ladies and gentle- men ; and left those who had more activity in their heads than their heels, to sit on the forms in the back ground, and exercise their tongues in open scandal of their mutual friends and acquaintances under cover of the music, which prevented the most vigorous talker from being heard further than his or her next-door neighbour. Doctor Growling had gone over to Mrs. Gubbins's, as desired, and was buried deep in gossip. " What an extraordinary affair that was about Miss O'Grady, doctor." " Very, ma'am." " In the man's bed she was, I hear." " So the story goes, ma'am.'' 182 HANDY ANDY. " And they tell me, doctor, that when her father that immaculate madman, God keep us from harm ! said to poor Mrs. O'Grady in a great rage, ' Where have you brought up your daughters to go to, ma'am ?' says he, and she, poor woman, said, ' To church, my dear,' thinking it was the different religion the Saracen was after, so says he, ' Church, indeed ! there's the church she is gone to, ma'am,' says he, turning down a quilted counterpane ! " Are you sure it wasn't Marseilles, ma'am ?" said the doctor. " Well, whatever it was ' There's the church she is in,' says he, pulling her out of the bed." " Out of the bed !" repeated the doctor. " Out of the bed, sir." " Then her church was in the diocese of Down," said the doctor. " That's good, docthor ; indeed, that's good. She was caught in bed, says I and it's the diocese of Down, says you ; faith, that's good. I wish the diocese was your own for you're funny enough to be a bishop, docthor you lay howld of everything." " That's a great qualification for a mitre, ma'am," said the doctor. " And the poor young man that has got her is not worth a farthing, I hear, docthor.'' " Then he must be the curate, ma'am though I don't think it's a chapel of ease he has got into." " Oh ! what a tongue you have, docthor," said she, laughing ; " faith, you'll kill me." " That's my profession, ma'am. I'm a licentiate of the Royal Col- lege ; but, unfortunately for me, my humanity is an overmatch for my science. Phrenologically speaking, my benevolence is large, and my destructiveness and acquisitiveness small." " Ah, there you go off on another tack and what a funny new thing that is you talk of! that free-knowledge, or crow-knowledge, or whatever sort of knowledge you call it. And there's one thing I want to ask you about there's a bump the ladies have, the gentlemen always laugh at, I remark." " That's very rude of them, ma'am," said the doctor, drily. " Is it in the anterior region, or the " " Docthor, don't talk queer." " I'm only speaking scientifically, ma'am." " Well, I think your scientific discourse is only an excuse for saying impudent things ; I mean the back of their heads." " I thought so, ma'am." " They call it dear me, I forget something motive motive it's Latin but I am no scholard, docthor." " That's manifest, ma'am." " But a lady is not bound to know Latin, docthor." " Certainly not, ma'am nor any other language, except that of the eyes." ^ Now, this was a wicked hit of the doctor's, for Mrs. Gubbins squinted frightfully ; but Mrs. Gubbins did not know that, so.she went on. " The bump, I mean, docthor is motive something motive motive I have it! motive-ness." HANDY ANDY. 183 " Now I know what you mean," said the doctor ; " amativeness." " That's it," said Mrs. Gubbins ; " they call it number one, some- times ; I suppose amativeness is Latin for number one. Now, what does that bump mean ?" " Ah, madam," said the doctor, puzzled for a moment to give an explanation ; but in a few seconds he answered, " That's a beautiful pro- vision of nature. That, ma'am, is the organ which makes your sex take compassion on ours."* " Wonderful !" said Mrs. Gubbins ; " but how good nature is in giving us provisions ! and I don't think there is a finer provision county in Ireland than this." " Certainly not, ma'am," said the doctor ; but the moment Mrs. Gubbins began to speak of provisions, he was sure she would get into a very solid discourse about her own farms ; so he left his seat beside her and went over to Mrs. Riley, to see what fun could be had in that quarter. Her daughter was cutting all sorts of bare- faced capers about the room, " astonishing the natives," as she was pleased to say ; and Growling was looking on in amused wonder, at this specimen of vulgar effrontery, whom he had christened " The Brazen Baggage," the first time he saw her. " You are looking at my daughter, sir," said the delighted mother. " Yes, ma'am," said the doctor, profoundly. " She's very young, sir." " She'll mend of that, ma'am. We were young once ourselves." This was not very agreeable to the mother, who dressed rather in a juvenile style. " I mean, sir, that you must excuse any little awkwardness about her that all rises out of timidity she was lost with bashfulness till I roused her out of it but now I think she is beginning to have a little self-possession.!' The doctor was amused, and took a large pinch of snuff ; he enjoyed the phrase " beginning to have a little self-possession" being applied to the most brazen baggage he ever saw. " She's very accomplished, sir," continued the mother. " Misther Jew-val (Duval) taitches her dancin', and Musha Dunny-ai, (Mons. Du Noyer,-f-) French. Misther Low-jeer (Logier) hasn't the like of her in his academy on the pianya, and as for the harp, you'd think she wouldn't lave a sthring in it." " She must be a treasure to her teachers, ma'am," said the doctor. " Faith, you may well say threasure, it costs handfuls o' money ; but sure, while there's room for improvement, every apartment must be at- tended to, and the vocal apartment is filled by Sir John, fifteen shillin's a lesson, no less." " What silvery tones she ought to bring out, ma'am, at that rate!" " Faith, you may say that, sir. It's coining, so it is, with them tip- * This very ingenious answer was really given by an Irish professor to an over- inquisitive lady. f My own worthy and excellent master, the best in Ireland. 184 BANDY ANDY. top men, and ruins one a' most to have a daughter . every shake I get out of her is to the tune of a ten-poun' note, at least. You shall hear her by-and-by ; the minit the dancin' is over, she shall sing you the ' Bewildhered Maid.' Do you know the ' Bewildhered Maid,' sir?" " I havn't the honour of her acquaintance, ma'am," said the doctor. The dancing was soon over, and the mother's threat put into execu- tion. Miss Riley was led over to the piano by the widow, with the usual protestations that she was hoarse. It took some time to get the piano ready, for an extensive clearance was to be made from it of cups and saucers, and half-empty glasses of negus, before it could be opened ; then, after various thrummings, and hummings, and hawings, the ' Be- wildered Maid 1 made her appearance in the wildest possible manner, and the final shriek was quite worthy of a maniac. Loud applause followed, and the wriggling Miss Riley was led from the piano by James Reddy, who had stood at the back of her chair, swaying backward and forward to the music, with a maudlin expression of sentiment on his face, and a suppressed exclamation of " B-u-tiful," after every extra shout from the young lady. Growling listened with an expression of as much dissatisfaction as if he had been drinking weak punch. " I see you don't like that," said the widow to him, under her breath ; "ah, you're too hard, doctor consider, she sung out of good-nature." " I don't know if it was out of good-nature," said he, " but I'm sure it was out of tune." James Reddy led back Miss Riley to her mama, who was much de- lighted with the open manifestations of" the poet's" admiration. " She ought to be proud, sir, of your conjunction^ I'm sure. A poet like you, sir! what beautiful rhymes them wor you did on the 'lection." " A trifle, ma'am a mere trifle a little occasional thing." " Oh ! but them two beautiful lines ' We tread the land that bore us, Our green flag glitters o'er us !' " " They are only a quotation, ma'am," said Reddy. " Oh, like every man of true genius, sir, you try and undervalue your own work ; but call them lines what you like, to my taste they are the most beautiful lines in the thing you done." Reddy did not know what to answer, and his confusion was increased by catching old Growling's eye, who was chuckling at the mal-a-propos speech of the flourishing Mrs. Riley. " Don't you sing yourself, sir?" said that lady. " To be sure he does," cried the widow Flanagan ; " and he must give us one of his own." " Oh!" " No excuses ; now, James ! " " Where's Duggan ?" inquired the poetaster affectedly ; " I told him to be here to accompany me." " I attend your muse, sir," said a miserable structure of skin and bone, advancing with a low bow and obsequious smile ; this was the HANDY ANDY. 185 poor music-master, who set Reddy's rhymes to music as bad, and danced attendance on him everywhere. The music-master fumbled over a hackneyed prelude, to show his command of the instrument. Miss Riley whispered to her mama, that it was out of one of her first books of lessons. Mrs. Flanagan, with a seductive smirk, asked, "what he was going to give them." The poet replied, " a little thing of his own, ' Rosalie ; or, the BrokenJHeart,' sentimental, but rather sad." The musical skeleton rattled his bones against the ivory, in a very one, two, three, four, symphony ; the poet ran his fingers through his hair, pulled up his collar, gave his head a jaunty nod, and commenced Bosalte ; OR, THE BROKEN HEART. Fare thee fare thee well alas, Fare farewell to thee ! On pleasure's wings, as dew-drops fade, Or honey stings the bee, My heart is as sad as a black stone Under the blue sea. Oh, Rosalie ! Oh, Rosalie ! As ruder rocks with envy glow, Thy coral lips to see, So the weeping waves more briny grow With my salt tears for thee ! My heart is as sad as a black stone Under the blue sea. Oh, Rosalie! Oh, Rosalie! After this brilliant specimen of the mysteriously-sentimental and imaginative school was sufficiently applauded, dancing was recom- menced, and Reddy seated himself beside Mrs. Riley, the incense of whose praise was sweet in his nostrils. " Ob, you have a soul for poetry indeed, sir," said the lady. " I was bewildered with all your beautiful idays ; that 'honey stings the bee' is a beautiful iday so expressive of the pains and pleasures of love. Ah ! I was the most romantic creature myself once, Mister Reddy, though you wouldn't think it now; but the cares of the world and a family takes the shine out of us. I remember when the men used to be making hats in my father's establishment for my father was the most extensive hatter in Dublin I don't know if you knew my father was a hatter ; but you know, sir, manufactures must be followed, and that's no reason why people shouldn't enjoy po'thry and refinement. Well, I was going to tell you how romantic I was, and when the men were making the hats I don't know whether you ever saw them making hats " Reddy declared he never did. " Well, it's like the witches round the iron-pot in Macbeth ; did you ever see Kemble in Macbeth ? Oh ! he'd make your blood freeze, though the pit is so hot you wouldn't have a dwry rag on you. But to come to the hats. When they're making them, they have hardly any 18G HANDY ANDY. crown to them at all, and they are all with great sprawling wide flaps to them ; well, the moment I clapt my eyes on one of them, I thought of a Spanish nobleman directly, with his slouched hat and black fea- thers like a hearse. Yes, I assure you, the broad hat always brought to my mind a Spanish noble or an Italian noble (that would do as well, you know), or a robber, or a murderer, which is all the same thing." Reddy could not conceive a hat manufactory as a favourable nursery for romance, but as the lady praised his song, he listened complacently to her hatting. " And that's another beautiful iday, sir," continued the lady, " where you make the rocks jealous of each other that's so beautiful to bring in a bit of nature into a metaphysic that way." '* You flatter me, ma'am," said Reddy ; " but if I might speak of my own work, that is, if a man may ever speak of his own work, " And why not, sir ? " asked Mrs. Riley, with a business-like air ; " who has so good a right to speak of the work as the man who done it, and knows what's in it ? " " That's a very sensible remark of yours, ma'am, and I will there- fore take leave to say, that the idea / am proudest of, is, the dark and heavy grief of the heart being compared to a black stone, and its depth of misery implied by the sea." " Thrue for you," said Mrs. Riley ; " and the blue sea ah ! that didn't escape me ; that's an elegant touch the black stone and the blue sea ; and black and blue, such a beautiful conthrast !" " I own," said Reddy, " I attempted in that, the bold and daring style of expression which Byron has introduced." " Oh, he's a fine pole certainly, but he's not moral, sir 5 and I'm afeard to let my daughther read such combustibles." " But he's grand," said Reddy ; "for instance : " ' She walks in beauty like the night* How fine !" " But how wicked!" said Mrs. Riley. " I don't like that night-walking style of poetry at all ; so say no more about it ; we'll talk of something else. You admire music, I'm sure." ' I adore it, ma'am." ' Do you like the piano ?" ' Oh, ma'am 1 I could live under a piano." ' My daughther plays the piano beautiful." ' Charmingly." ' Oh, but if you heerd her play the harp, you'd think she wouldn't lave a sthring on it (this was Mrs. Riley 's favourite bit of praise); and a beautiful harp it is ; one of Egan's double action, all over goold, and cost eighty guineas ; Miss Cheese chuse it for her. Do you know Miss Cheese ? she's as plump as a'partridge, with a voice like a lark ; she sings elegant duets ; do you ever sing duets?" " Not often." " Ah ! if you could hear Pether Dowling sing duets with my daughther ! he'd make the hair stand straight on your head with the delight. Oh, he's a powerful singer ! you never heerd the like ; he runs HANDY ANDY. 187 up and down as fast as a lamplighter ; and the beautiful turns he gives ; oh ! I never heard any one sing a second like Pether. I declare he sings a second to that degree that you'd think it was the first, and never at a loss for a shake ; and then off he goes in a run, that you'd think he'd never come back ; but he does bring it back into the tune again with as nate a fit as a Limerick glove. Oh ! I never heerd a singer like Pether!!!" There is no knowing how much more Mrs. Riley would have said about " Pether," if the end of the dance had not cut her eloquence short, by permitting the groups of dancers as they promenaded to throw in their desultory discourse right and left, and so break up anything like a consecutive conversation. But let it not be supposed that all Mrs. Flanagan's guests were of the Gubbins and Riley stamp. There were some of the better class of the country people present ; intelligence and courtesy in the one sex, and gentleness and natural grace in the other, making a society not to be ridiculed in the mass, though individual instances of folly and igno- rance and purse-proud effrontery were amongst it. But to Growling every phase of society afforded gratification ; and while no one had a keener relish for such scenes as the one in which we have just witnessed him, the learned and the courteous could be met with equal weapons by the doctor when he liked. Quitting the dancing-room, he went into the little drawing-room, where a party of a very different stamp were engaged in conversation. Edward O'Connor and the " dear English captain," as Mrs. Flanagan called him, were deep in an interesting discussion about the relative practices in Ireland and England on the occasions of elections and trials, and most other public events ; and O'Connor, and two or three listeners, amongst whom was a Mr. Monk, whose daughters, re- markably nice girls, were of the party, were delighted with the feeling tone in which the Englishman spoke of the poorer classes of Irish, and how often the excesses into which they sometimes fell were viewed through an exaggerated or distorted medium, and what was frequently mere exuberance of spirit pronounced and punished as riot. " I never saw a people over whom those in authority require more good temper," remarked the captain. " Gentleness goes a long way with them," said Edward. ' And violence never succeeds," added Mr. Monk. " You are of opinion, then," said the soldier, " they are not to be forced." " Except to do what they like," chimed in Growling. " That's a very Irish sort of coercion," said the captain, smiling. "And therefore fit for Irishmen," said Growling; " and I never knew an intelligent Englishman yet, who came to Ireland, who did not find'it out. Paddy has a touch of the pig in him he won't be driven ; but you may coax him a long way ; or if you appeal to his reason, for he happens to have such a thing about him, you may persuade him into what is right if you take the trouble." " By Jove," said the captain, " it is not easy to argue with Paddy ; the rascals are so ready with quip, and equivoque, and queer answers, that they 188 HANDY ANDY. generally get the best of it in talk, however fallacious may be their argument ; and when you think you have Pat in a corner, and escape is inevitable, he's off' without your knowing how he slipped through your fingers." When the doctor joined the conversation, Edward, knowing his powers, gave up the captain into his hands and sat down by the side of Miss Monk, who had just entered from the dancing-room, and threw herself into a chair in the corner. She and Edward soon got engaged in a conversation particularly inter- esting to him. She spoke of having lately met Fanny Dawson, and was praising her in such terms of affectionate admiration, that Edward hung upon every word with delight. I know not if Miss Monk was aware of Edward's devotion in that quarter before, but she could not look upon the bland, though somewhat sad smile, which arched his expressive mouth, and the dilated eye which beamed as her praises were uttered, without being then conscious that Fanny Dawson had made him captive. She was pleased, and continued the conversation with that inherent pleasure a woman has in touching a man's heart, even though it be not on her own account ; and it was done with that tact and delicacy which only women possess, and which is so refined that the rougher nature of man is insensible of its drift and influence, and he is betrayed by a net whose meshes are too fine for his perception. Edward O'Connor never dreamt that Miss Monk saw he was in love with the subject of their discourse. While they were talking, the merry hostess entered, and the last words the captain uttered fell upon her ear, and then followed a reply from Growling, saying that Irishmen were as hard to catch as quicksilver. " Ay, and as hard to keep as any other silver," said the widow ; " don't believe what these wild Irish fellows tell you of them- selves, they are all mad divils alike you steady Englishmen are the safe men and the girls know it. And faith, if you try them," added she, laughing, " I don't know any one more likely to have luck with them than yourself; for, 'pon my conscience, captain, we all doat on you since you would not shoot the people, the other day." There was a titter among the girls at this open avowal. "Ah, why wouldn't I say it ?" exclaimed she, laughing. " I'm not a mealy-mouthed miss ; sure, / may tell truth ; and 1 wouldn't trust one o' ye," she added, with a very significant nod of the head at the gentle- men, " except the captain. Yes I'd trust one more I'd trust Mister O'Connor ; 1 think he really could be true to a woman." The words fell sweetly upon his ear : the expression of trust in his faith at that moment, even from the laughing widow, was pleasing ; for his heart was full of the woman he adored, and it was only by long waiting and untiring fidelity she could ever become his. He bowed courteously to the compliment the hostess paid him ; and she, immediately taking advantage of his acknowledgment, said that, after having paid him such a pretty compliment, he couldn't refuse her to sing a song. Edward never liked to sing in mixed companies, and was about making some objection, when the widow interrupted him with one of those Irish "Ah, now's " so hard to resist. " Besides, all the noisy pack are in the dancing-room, or indeed I wouldn't ask you ; and here-' HANDY ANDY. 189 there's not one won't be charmed with you. Ah, look at Miss Monk, there I know she's dying to hear you; and see all the ladies hanging on your lips> absolutely. Can you refuse me after that, now ?" It was true that, in the small room where they sat, there were only those who were worthy of better things than Edward would have ven- tured on to the many ; and filled with the tender and passionate senti- ment his conversation with Miss Monk had awakened, one of those effusions of deep, and earnest, and poetic feeling which love had prompted to his muse, rose to his lips, and he began to sing. All were silent, for the poet singer was a favourite, and all knew with what touching expression he gave his compositions ; but now the mellow tones of his voice seemed to vibrate with a feeling in more than common unison with the words, and his dark earnest eyes beamed with a devotion of which she who was the object might be proud. & Hcaf t&at rnnfn&s of tfjcr. i. How sweet is the hour we give, When fancy may wander free, To the friends who in memory live ! For then I remember thee! Then, wing'd, like the dove from the .'U'K, My heart, o'er a stormy sea, Frings back to my lonely bark A leaf that reminds of thee ! But still does the sky look dark, The waters still deep and wide ; Oh ! when may my lonely bark In peace on the shore abide? But through the future far, Dark though my course may be, Thou art my guiding star ! My heart still turns to thee ! in. When I see thy friends I smile, 1 sigh when I hear thy name ; But they cannot tell the while Whence the smile or the sadness cama. Vainly the world may deem The cause of my sighs they know: The breeze tHt ruffles the stream Knows not the depth beloiv. Before the first verse of the song was over, the entrance to the room s filled with eager listeners, and, at its conclusion, a large proportion of the company from the dancing-room had crowded round the door, attracted by the rich voice of the singer, and fascinated into silence by the charm of his song. Perhaps, after mental qualities, the most valuable gift a man can have is a fine voice ; it at once commands attention, and may, therefore, be ranked in a man's possession as highly as beauty in a woman's. in speaking thus of voice, 1 ao not allude to the power of singing 190 HANDY ANDY. but the mere physical quality of a fine voice, which, in the bare utter- ance of the simplest words, is pleasing, but, becoming the medium for the interchange of higher thoughts, is irresistible. Superadded to this gift, which Edward possessed, the song he sang had meaning in it which could reach the hearts of all his auditory, though its poetry might be appreciated but by few : its imagery grew upon a stem whose root was in every bosom, and the song that possesses this quality, whatever may be its defects, contains not only the elements of future fame, but of immediate popularity. Startling was the contrast between the silence the song had produced and the simultaneous clapping of hands outside the door when it was over ; not the poor plaudit of a fashionable assembly, whose " bravo" is an attenuated note of admiration, strug- gling into a sickly existence, and expiring in a sigh ; applause of so sus- picious a character, that no one seems desirous of owning it, a feeble forgery of satisfaction which people think it disgraceful to be caught uttering. The clapping was not the plaudit of high-bred hands, whose sound is like the fluttering of small wings, just enough to stir gos- samer, but not the heart. No ; such was not the applause which followed Edward's song; he had the outburst of heart-warm and un- sophisticated satisfaction, unfettered by chilling convention. Most of his hearers did not know that it was disgraceful to admit being too well pleased, and the poor innocents really opened their mouths and clapped their hands. Oh, fie ! tell it not in Grosvenor-square. And now James R,eddy contrived to be asked to sing ; the coxcomb, not content with his luck in being listened to before, panted for such another burst of applause as greeted Edward, whose song he had no notion was any better than his own ; the puppy fancied his rubbish of the " black stone under the blue sea" partook of a grander character of composition, and that while Edward's " breeze" but " ruffled the stream," he had fathomed the ocean. But a " heavy blow and great discouragement" was in store for Master James, for as he commenced a love ditty which he called by the fascinating title of " The Rose of Silence," and verily believed would have enraptured every woman in the room, a powerful voice, richly flavoured with the brogue, shouted forth outside the door, " Ma'am, if you plaze, supper's sarved" The effect was magical ; a rush was made to supper by the crowd in the doorway, and every gentleman in the little drawing room offered his arm to a lady, and led her off without the smallest regard to Reddy's singing. His look was worth anything, as he saw himself thus unceremoniously deserted, and likely soon to be left in sole possession of the room ; the old doctor was enchanted with his vexation ; and when James ceased to sing, as the last couple were going, the doctor interposed his request that the song should be finished. " Don't stop, my dear fellow," said the doctor ; " that's the best song I have heard a long time, and you must indulge me by finishing it that's a gem." " Why, you see, doctor, they have all gone to supper." " Yes, and the devil choke them with it." said Growling, " for their want of taste ; but never mind that ; one 'udicious listener is worth a crowd of such fools, you'll admit ; so sit down again, and sing for me." HANDY ANDY. 191 The doctor seated himself as he spoke, and there he kept Reddy, whom he knew was very fond of a good supper, singing away for the bare life, with only one person for audience, and that one humbugging him. The scene was rich ; the gravity with which the doctor carried on the quiz was admirable, and the gullibility of the coxcomb who was held captive by his affected admiration, exquisitely absurd, and almost past belief; even Growling himself was amazed as he threw in a rapturous " charming" or " bravissimo" at the egregious folly of his dupe, who still continued singing, while the laughter of the supper room, and the inviting clatter of its knives and forks, were ringing in his ear. When Reddy concluded, the doctor asked, might he venture to request the last verse again ; " for," continued he, " there is a singular beauty of thought and felicity of expression in its numbers, leaving the mind unsatisfied with but one hearing ; once more, if you please." Poor Reddy repeated the last verse. " Very charming, indeed !" said the doctor. " You really like it ?" said Reddy. " Like ?" said the doctor " sir, like is a faint expression of what I think of that song. Moore had better look to his laurels, sir !" " Oh, doctor!" ' " Ah, you know yourself," said Growling. " Then that last, doctor 1" said Reddy, inquiringly. " Is your most successful achievement, sir ; there is a mysterious shadowing forth of something in it which is very fine." " You like it better than the < Black Stone ?' " " Pooh! sir; the 'Black Stone, if I may be allowed an image, is but ordinary paving, while that ' Rose of Silence' of yours might strew the path to Parnassus." " And is it not strange, doctor," said Reddy, in a reproachful tone, " that them people should be insensible to that song, and leave the room while I was singing it ?" " Too good for them, sir above their comprehensions.'' " Besides, so rude !" said Reddy. " Oh, my dear friend," said the doctor, " when you know more of the world, you'll find out that an appeal from the lower house to the upper," and he changed his hand from the region of his waistcoat to his head as he spoke, " is most influential." "True, doctor," said Reddy, with a smile; "and suppose we go to supper now." " Wait a moment," said Growling, holding his button. " Did you ever try your hand at an epic ?" " No, I can't say that I did." " I wish you would." " You flatter me, doctor ; but don't you think we had better go to supper ? " " Ha!" said the doctor, "your own house of commons is sending up an appeal eh ?" " Decidedly, doctor." " Then you see, my dear friend, you can't wonder at those poor infe- rior beings hurrying off to indulge their gross appetites, when a man of 192 HANDY ANDY. genius like you is not insensible to the same call. Never wonder again at people leaving your song for supper, Master James," said the doctor, resting his arm on Reddy, and sauntering from the room. " Never wonder again at the triumph of supper over song, for the Swan of Avon himself would have no chance against roast ducks." Reddy smacked his lips at the word ducks, and the savoury odour of the supper-room which they approached heightened his anticipation of an onslaught on one of the aforesaid tempting birds ; but, ah ! when he entered the room, skeletons of ducks there were, but nothing more ; the work of demolition had been in able hands, and the doctor's lachrymose ex- clamation of " the devil a duck !" found a hollow echo under Reddy's waistcoat. Round the room that deluded minstrel went, seeking what he might devour, but his voyage of discovery for any hot fowl was profitless ; and Growling in silent delight witnessed his disappointment. " Come, sir," said the doctor, " there's plenty of punch left, how- ever I'll take a glass with you, and drink success to your next song, for the last is all I could wish ;" and so indeed it was, for it enabled him to laugh at the poetaster, and cheat him out of his supper. " Ho, ho !" said Murtough Murphy, who approached the door ; " you have found out the punch is good, eh? 'faith it is that same, and I'll take another glass of it with you before I go, for the night is cold." " Are you going so soon ? " asked Growling, as he clinked his glass against the attorney's. "Whisht!" said Murphy; "not a word I'm slipping away after Dick the Divil ; we have a trifle of work in hand, quite in his line, and it is time to set about it. Good b'ye, you'll hear more of it to- morrow snug's the word !" Murphy stole away, for the open departure of so merry a blade would not have been permitted, and in the hall he found Dick mount- ing a large top-coat, and muffling up. " Good people are scarce, you think, Dick,'' said Murphy. " I'd recommend you to follow the example, for the night is bitter cold, I can tell you." " And as dark as a coal-hole," said Murphy, as he opened the door and looked out. " No matter, I have got a dark lanthorn," said Dick, " which we can use when required ; make haste, the gig is round the corner, and the little black mare will roll us over in no time." They left the house quietly, as he spoke, and started on a bit of mischief, which demands a separate chapter. HANDY ANDY. 193 CHAPTER XXII. THE night was pitch dark, and on rounding the adjacent corner, nc vehicle could be seen ; but a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the sound of approaching wheels, and the rapid footfalls of a horse, mingled with the light rattle of a smart gig. On the vehicle coming up, Dick took the little mare, that was blacker than the night, by the head, the apron of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a smart servant boy. " You have the horse ready too, Billy ?" " Yis, sir," said Billy, touching his hat. " Then follow ; and keep up with me, remember." " Yis, sir." " Come to her head, here," and he patted the little mare's neck as he spoke with a carressing ' whoa,' which was answered by a low neigh of satisfaction, while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the animal's desire to start. " What an impatient little devil she is," said Dick, as he mounted the gig ; " I'll get in first, Murphy, as I'm going to drive, now up with you hook on the apron that's it are you all right ?" " Quite," said Murphy. " Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy," said Dick ; " and now let her go. " Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away she went, at a slapping pace, the fire from the road answering the rapid strokes of her nimble feet. The servant then mounted a horse, which was tied to a neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come up with his master, who was driving with a swiftness almost fearful, considering the darkness of the night and the narrowness of the roads he had to traverse, for he was making the best of his course by cross ways to an adjacent road-side inn, where some non-resident electors were expected to arrive that night by a coach from Dublin ; for the county town had every nook and cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point where they could get any accommodation. Now don't suppose that they were electors whom Murphy and Dick, in their zeal for their party, were going over to greet with hearty welcomes, and bring up to the poll the next day. By no means. They were the friends of the opposite party, and it was with the design of retarding their movements that this night's excursion was undertaken. These electors were a batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scat- 194 HANDY ANDY. terbrain interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet of the city to tempt the wilds of the country at that wildest of-times during a contested election : and a night coach was freighted inside and out with the worthy cits, whose aggregate voices would be of immense importance the next day ; for the contest was close, the county nearly polled out, and but two days more for the struggle. Now, to interrupt these plain unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose well- supplied information had discovered to him this plan of the enemy, which he set about counter- mining. As they rattled over the rough bye-roads, many a laugh did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the Divil exchange, as the probable success of their scheme was canvassed, and fresh expe- dients devised to meet the possible impediments which might interrupt them. As they topped a hill, Murphy pointed out to his companion a moving light in the plain beneath. " That's the coach, Dick there are the lamps, we're just in time spin down the hill, my boy let me get in as they're at supper, and faith they'll want it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy, I suppose, and of course obliged to play trencher-men as often as they can, as a requisite rehearsal for the parts they must hereafter fill. " In fifteen minutes more, Dick pulled up before a small cabin within a quarter of a mile of the inn, and the mounted servant tapped at the door, which was immediately opened, and a peasant advancing to the gig, returned the civil salutation with which Dick greeted his approach. " I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny. " " Oh, do you think I'd fail you, misther Dick, your honour ? " " I thought you might be asleep, Barny." " Not when you bid me wake, sir and there's a nice fire ready for you, and as fine a dhrop o' potteen as ever tickled your tongue, sir. " " You're the lad, Barny ! good fellow I'll be back with you by and by " and off whipped Dick again. After going about a quarter of a mile further, he pulled up, alighted with Murphy from the gig, unharnessed the little black mare, and then overturned the gig into the ditch. ' That's as natural as life, " said Dick. ' What an escape of my neck I've had ! " said Murphy. 1 Are you much hurt ? " said Dick. ' A trifle, lame only, " said Murphy, laughing and limping. ' There was a great boccagh* lost in you, Murphy ; wait ; let me rub a handful of mud on your face there you have a very upset look, 'pon my soul," said Dick, as he flashed the light of his lantern on him for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it. " Divil take you," said Murtough ; " that's too natural." " There's nothing like looking your part, " said Dick. "Well, I may as well complete my attire," said Murtough, so he lay down in the road and took a roll in the mud ; " that will do, said he ; * Lame Beggar. HANDY ANDY. 195 and now, Dick, go back to Barney and the mountain dew, while I storm the camp of the Philistines ; I think in a couple of hours you may be on the look-out for me ; I'll signal you from the window, so now good bye ;" and Murphy, leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with a parting " Luck to you, my boy, " turned back to the cottage of Barny. The coach had set down six inside and ten out passengers (all voters) about ten minutes before Murphy marched up to the inn door, leading the black mare, and calling " ostler" most lustily. His call being answered for " the beast," " the man" next demanded attention ; and the landlord wondered all the wonders he could cram into a short speech, at seeing Misther Murphy, sure, at such a time ; and the soncy landlady, too, was all lamentations for his iligant coat and his poor eye sure, all ruined with the mud : and what was it at all ? an upset, was it ? oh, wirra ! and wasn't it lucky he wasn't killed, and they without a spare bed to lay him out dacent if he was, sure, wouldn't it be horrid for his body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead of the best feather-bed in the house ; and, indeed, he'd be welcome to it, only the gintlemen from town had them all engaged. " Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs. Kelly, at all events." " And what will you do for a bed ?" " A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa will do ; my gig is stuck fast in a ditch my mare tired ten miles from home cold night, and my knee hurt." Murphy limped as he spoke. " Oh ! your poor knee," said Mrs. Kelly ; " I'll put a dhrop o' whisky and brown paper on it, sure " " And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who have so filled your house ?" " Gentlemen that came by the coach a while agone, and supping in the parlour now, sure." " Would you give my compliments, and ask would they allow me, under the present peculiar circumstances, to join them ; and in the mean time, send somebody down the road to take the cushions out of my gig ; for there is no use in attempting to get the gig out till morning." " Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we'll send for the cushions, but as for the gentlemen, they are all on the other side." " What other side ? " " The Honorable's voters, sure." " Pooh! is that all?" said Murphy, " I don't mind that, I've no objection on that account; besides, they need not know who / am," and he gave the landlord a knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly returned another. The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and Murphy was im- mediately requested to join their party ; this was all he wanted, and he played oft' his powers of diversion on the innocent citizens so success- fully, that before supper was half over they thought themselves in luck to have fallen in with such a chance acquaintance. Murphy fired away jokes, repartees, anecdotes, and country gossip, to their delight; and o 2 196 HANDY ANDY. when the eatables were disposed of, he started them on the punch- drinking tack afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three parts of them tipsy before they retired to rest. " Do you feel your knee better now, sir ? " asked one of the party, of Murphy. " Considerably, thank you ; whisky punch, sir, is about the best cure for bruises or dislocations a man can take." " I doubt that, sir," said a little matter-of-fact man, who had now interposed his reasonable doubts for the twentieth time during Murphy's various extravagant declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy romance the more. " You speak of your fiery Dublin stuff, sir but our country whisky is as mild as milk, and far more wholesome ; then, sir, our fine air alone would cure half the complaints without a grain of physic." " I doubt that, sir," said the little man. " I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town came down here last spring on crutches, and from merely following a light whisky diet, and sleeping with his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball in a fortnight ; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle, though it was a bad upset too." " How did it happen, sir ? Was it your horse or your harness or your gig or " " None o' them, sir it was a Banshee." " A Banshee," said the little man, " what's that ?" " A peculiar sort of supernatural creatures, that are common here, sir ; she was squatted down on one side of the road, and my mare shied at her, and being a spirited little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch, and missed it in the dark." " Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir ?" said the little man. " Oh, common enough to do that here, sir she'd have done it easy in the daylight, but she could not measure her distance in the dark, and bang she went into the ditch : but it's a trifle, after all. I am generally run over four or five times a year." " And you alive to tell it!" said the little man, incredulously. " It's hard to kill us here, sir ; we are used to accidents." " Well, the worst accident I ever heard of," said one of the citizens, " happened to a friend of mine, who went to visit a friend of his on a Sunday, and all the family happened to be at church ; so on driving into the yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he under- took the office of ostler himself; but being unused to the duty, he most incautiously took off the horse's bridle before unyoking him from his gig, and the animal, making a furious plunge forward my friend being before him at the time the shaft of the gig was driven through his body, and into the coach-house gate behind him, and stuck so fast that the horse could not drag it out after ; and in this dreadful situation they remained until the family returned from church, and saw the awful occurrence. A servant was despatched for a doctor, and the shaft was disengaged, and drawn out of the man's body, just at the pit of his stomach ; he was laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must die at once ; but he didn't, and the doctor came next day, and HANDY ANDY. ll)7 he wasn't dead did what he could for him and, to make a long story short, sir, the man recovered." " Pooh ! pooh ! " said the diminutive doubter. " It's true," said the narrator. " I make no doubt of it, sir," said Murphy ; " I know a more extra- ordinary case of recovery myself." " I beg your pardon, sir," said the cit ; " I have not finished my story yet, for the most extraordinary part of the story remains to be told : my friend, sir, was a very sickly man before the accident hap- pened a very sickly man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy man what do you think of that, sir ? " " It does not surprise me in the least, sir," said Murphy " I can account for it readily." " Well, sir, I never heard it accounted for, though I know it to be true ; I should like to hear how you account for it." "Very simply, sir," said Murphy; "don't you perceive the man dis- covered a mine of health by a shaft being sunk in the pit of his stomach." Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was merrily received by the company, whose critical taste was not of that affected nature which despises a jeu de mots, and will not be satisfied under a jeu d 'esprit ; the little doubting man alone refused to be pleased. " I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. Johnson said, sir ' " I know," said Murphy ; " that the man who would commit a pun would pick a pocket ; that's old, sir, but is dearly remembered by all those who cannot make puns themselves." " Exactly," said one of the party they called Wiggins. " It is the old story of the fox and the grapes. Did you ever hear, sir, the story of the fox and the grapes ? The fox one day was " " Yes, yes," said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as he was, could not stand the fox and the grapes by way of something new. " They're sour," said the fox. " Yes," said Murphy, " a capital story." " Oh, them fables is so good !" said Wiggins. " All nonsense !" said the diminutive contradictor. " Nonsense, nothing but nonsense ; the ridiculous stuff of birds and beasts speaking ! as if any one could believe such stuff." " I do firmly for one," said Murphy. " You do ?" said the little man. " I do and do you know why?" " I cannot indeed conceive," said the little man, with a bitter grin. " It is, sir, because I myself know a case that occurred in this very country of a similar nature." " Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox that spoke, sir ?" said the mannekin, almost rising into anger. " Many, sir," said Murphy, " many." " Well ! after that !" said the little man. " But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox, but a cat," said Murphy. " A cat ? Oh, yes to be sure a cat speak, indeed !" said the little gentleman. 198 HANDY ANDY. " It" is a fact, sir," said Murphy, " and if the company would not object to my relating the story, I will state the particulars." The proposal was received with acclamation ; and Murphy, in great enjoyment of the little man's annoyance, cleared his throat, and made all the preparatory demonstrations of a regular raconteur ; but, before he began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh tumblers all round, that they might have nothing to do but listen and drink silently. " For of all things in the world," said Murtough, " I hate a song or a story to be interrupted by the rattle of spoons." They obeyed ; and while they are mixing their punch, we will just turn over a fresh page, and devote a new Chapter to the following licgcnb HANDY ANDY 199 CHAPTER XXIII. MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY ; I** Jitarbellous Uegenti of Tom Connor's Cat. " THERE was a man in these parts, sir, you must know, called Tom Connor, and he had a cat that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was proud of the baste, and with rayson ; for she was worth her weight in goold to him in saving his sacks of meal from the thievery of the rats and mice ; for Tom was an extensive dealer in corn, and in- fluenced the rise and fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold, as the spirit of free trade or monopoly came over him. Indeed, at one time, Tom had serious thoughts of applying to the government for a military force to protect his granary, when there was a threatened famine in the county." " Pooh! pooh ! sir," said the matter-of-fact little man, "as if a dozen sacks could be of the smallest consequence in a whole county pooh ! pooh !" " Well, sir," said Murphy, " I can't help if you don't believe ; but it's truth what I am telling you, and pray don't interrupt me, though you may not believe ; by the time the story's done you'll have heard more wonderful things than that, and besides, remember you're a stranger in these parts, and have no notion of the extraordinary things, physical, metaphysical, and magical, which constitute the idiosyncrasy of rural destiny." The little man did not know the meaning of Murphy's last sentence nor Murphy either ; but having stopped the little man's throat with the big words, he proceeded. " This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and was so up to every thing, that Tom swore she was a'most like a Christian, only she couldn't speak, and had so sensible a look in her eyes, that he was sartin sure the cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she used to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the eloquent cock of her tail, as she used to rub against his leg, said, ' Give me some milk, Tom Connor,' as plain as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards spoke a gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom was going to the neighbouring town to market, and he had promised the wife to bring home shoes to the childre', out o' the price oif the corn ; and sure enough, before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking the 200 HANDY ANDY. measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on a bit of stick ; and the wife gave him so many cautions about getting a ' nate fit" for ' Billy's purty feet,' that Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest possible measure, cut off the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony of the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone, while the mother was endeavouring to cure Billy ; in short, trying to make a heal of his toe. Well, sir, all the time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the cat was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye for which her tribe is remarkable ; and when Tom sat down to breakfast the cat rubbed up against him more vigorously than usual, but Tom, being bewildered between his expected gain in corn, and the positive loss of his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat, with a sort of caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of her claws, that went clean through his leathers, and a little further. ' Wow ! ' says Tom, with a jump, clapping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, ' by this and that, you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom, ' you wicked divil tish ! go along ! ' says he, making a kick at her. With that the cat gave a reproachful look at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of mail-coach lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mysterious ' mi'Otv,' fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom, and distinctly uttered his name. "Tom felt every hair on his head as stiff as a pump handle and scarcely crediting his ears, he returned a searching look at the cat, who very quietly proceeded with a sort of nasal twang " ' Tom Connor,' says she. " ' The Lord be good to me,' says Tom, ' if it isn't spakin', she is.' " ' Tom Connor,' says she, again. " ' Yes, ma'am,' says Tom. " ' Come here,' says she, ' whisper I want to talk to you, Tom,' says she, 'the last taste in private,' says she rising on her hams, and beckoning him with her paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o' the head aiqual to a milliner. " Well, as you may suppose, Tom did'nt know whether he was on his head or his heels, but he followed the cat, and off she went and squatted herself under the hedge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house ; and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw again, and laid it on her mouth, as much as to say, ' Be cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word Tom could say at all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and says she ' Tom,' says she, ' I have a great respect for you, and there's something I must tell you, bekase you're losing characther with your neighbours,' says she, ' by your goin's on,' says she ; ' and it's out o' the respect that I have for you, that I must tell you,' says she. " ' Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom. " ' You're goin' off to the town,' says she, ' to buy shoes for the childhre,' says she, ' and never thought o' gettin' me a pair.' "'You! 'says Tom. ' Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she ; ' and the neighbours wondhers that a respectable man like you allows your cat to go about the coun- thry barefutted,' says she. HANDY ANDY. 201 " 'Is it a cat to wear shoes ? ' says Tom. " 'Why not?' says she, 'doesn't horses ware shoes and I have a prettier foot than a horse, I hope,' says she, with a toss of her head. "'Faix, she spakes like a woman ; so proud of her feet,' says Tom to himself, astonished, as you may suppose, but pretending never to think it remarkable all the time ; and so he went discoursin', and says he, ' It's thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, ' that horses wares shoes but that stands to rayson, ma'am, you see seeing the hardship their feet hi... to go through on the hard roads.' " ' And how do you know what hardship my feet has to go through ? ' says the cat, mighty sharp. " ' But, ma'am,' says Tom, ' I don't well see how you could fasten a shoe on you," says he. " ' Lave that to me,' says the cat. " ' Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you, pussey ?' says Tom, with a grin. " ' Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat, with a frown. "'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, ' but as for the horses you wor spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know their shoes is fastened on with nails, and how would your shoes be fastened on ? ' "'Ah, you stupid thief,' says she, 'haven't I iligant nails o' my own ?' and with that she gave him a dab of her claw, that made him roar. '"Ow! murdher ! ' says he. " ' Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,' says the cat, 'just be oft' and get me the shoes.' " ' Tare an ouns,' says Tom, ' what'll become 'o me if I'm to get shoes for my cats?' says he, ' for you increase your family four times a year, and you have six or seven every time,' says he, ' and then you must all have two pair apiece wirra ! wirra ! I'll be ruined in shoe leather,' says Tom. " ' No more o' your stuff," says the cat, 'don't be standin' here undher the hedge talkin', or we'll lose our karacthers for I've remarked your wife is jealous, Tom.' '" Ton my sowl, that's threw,' says Tom, with a smirk. " ' More fool she,' says the cat, ' for, 'pon my conscience, Tom, you're as ugly as if you wor bespoke.' " Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in amazement ; he said nothing to the family for fear of fright'ning them, and off he went to the town, as he pretended for he saw the cat watching him through a hole in the hedge ; but when he came to a turn at the end of the road, the dickins a mind he minded the market, good or bad, but went off to Squire Botherum's, the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat." " Pooh ! pooh ! nonsense ! !" broke in the little man, who had lis- tened thus far to Murtough with an expression of mingled wonder and contempt, while the rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to non- sense, and enjoyed Murtough's Legend, and their companion's more absurd common sense. " Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins. '' How can you listen to such nonsense ?" returned Goggins. " Swear examinations against a cat, indeed ! pooh ! pooh ! " 202 HANDY ANDY. " My dear sir," said Murtough, " remember this is a fairy story, and that the country all around here is full of enchantment. As I was telling you, Tom went off to swear examinations." " Ay, ay 1 " shouted all but Goggins ; " go on with the story." " And when Tom was asked to relate the events of the morning, which brought him before Squire Botherum, his brain was so bewildered between his corn, and his cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused account of it. " ' Begin your story from the beginning,' said the magistrate to Tom. " ' Well, your honour,' says Tom, ' I was goin' to market this mornin', to sell the child's corn, I beg your pard'n my own toes, I mane, sir.' " ' Sell your toes ?' said the squire. " ' No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane ' " ' Take a cat to market ?' said the squire ' You're drunk, man.' " ' No, your honour, only confused a little ; for when the toes began to spake to me the cat, I mane I was bothered clane ' " ' The cat speak to you ?' said the squire ; ' Phew ! worse than before ; you're drunk, Tom !' " ' No, your honour ; it's on the strength of the cat I come to spake to you ' t( ' I think it's on the strength of a pint o' whisky, Tom ' " ' By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, its nothin' but the cat.' And so Tom then told him all about the affair, and the squire was regu- larly astonished. Just then the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the parish happened to call in, and heard the story, and the bishop and the priest had a tough argument for two hours on the subject ; the former swearing she must be a witch but the priest denying that, and maintaining she was only enchanted and that part of the argument was afterwards referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave at Rome ; but the pope declined interfering about cats, saying he had quite enough to do minding his own bulls. " ' In the mean time, what are we to do with the cat ?' says Botherum. " ' Burn her,' says the bishop ; ' she's a witch.' " ' Only enchanted,' said the priest ' and the ecclesiastical court maintains that ' " * Bother the ecclesiastical court !' said the magistrate ; ' I can only proceed on the statutes ;' and with that he pulled down all the law-books in his library, and hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he found that they made laws against every thing in Ireland, except a cat. The devil a thing escaped them but a cat, which did not come within the meaning of any act of parliament : the cats only had escaped. ' ' There's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magistrate, ' and perhaps she's a French spy, in disguise.' 1 ' She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says Tom ; * and she was missin', I remember, all last Spy-Wednesday." " ' That's suspicious,' says the squire ' but conviction might be diffi- cult ; and I have a fresh idea,' says Botherum. " ' Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,' says Tom ; ' so your honour had betther make use of it at wanst.' HANDY ANDY. 203 " ' Right,' says Botherum, ' we'll make her subject to the game laws ; We'll hunt her,' says he. " ' Ow ! elegant !' says Tom ; ' we'll have a brave run out of her.' " ' Meet me at the cross-roads/ says the squire, ' in the morning, and I'll have the hounds ready.' " Well, off Tom went home ; and he was racking his brain what excuse he could make to the cat for not bringing the shoes ; and at last he hit one off just as he saw her cantering up to him, half a mile before he got home. " ' Where's the shoes, Tom?' says she. " ' I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he. " ' Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom?' says she ; ' I'll tell you what it is, Tom I'll tare the eyes out o' the childre, if you don't get me shoes ' " ' Whisht! whisht!' says Tom, frightened out of his life for his chil- dren's eyes. ' Don't be in a passion, pussey. The shoemaker said he had not a shoe in his shop, nor a last that would make one to fit you ; and he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take your measure.' " ' And when am I to go ?' says the cat, looking savage. " ' To-morrow,' says Tom. " ' It's well you said that, Tom,' says the cat, ' or the divil an eye I'd lave in your family this night' and off she hopped. " Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave. " ' Remember !' says she, over the hedge, with a bitter caterwaul. " ' Never fear,' says Tom. " Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was the cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to go into the town, and out came Tom, with a bag undher his arm, and the cat afther him " ' Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the town,' says Tom, opening the bag. " ' Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat. " ' Oh, that wouldn't do,' says Tom ; ' the people in the town is curious and slandherous people, and sure it would rise ugly remarks if I was seen with a cat afther me : a dog is a man's companion by nature, but cats does not stand to rayson.' " Well, the cat seeing there was no use in argument, got into the bag, and off Tom set to the cross-roads with the bag over his shoulder, and he came up, quite innocent-like, to the corner, where the squire and his huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were waitin'. Out came the squire on a sudden, just as if it was all by accident. " ' God save you, Tom,' says he. " ' God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom. " ' What's that bag you have at your back?' says the squire. " ' Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom makin' a face all the time, as much as to say, I have her safe. " ' Oh, there's something in that bag, I think,' says the squire, ' and you must let me see it.' " ' If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in a low voice, ' by this and that I'll never spake to you again !' 204 HANDY ANDY. " ' Ton my honour, sir,' says Tom, with a wink and a twitch of his thumb towards the bag ' 1 haven't any thing in it.' " ' I have been missing my praties of late,' says the squire, * and I'd just. like to examine that bag,' says he. " ' Is it doubtin' my charackther, you'd be, sir?' says Tom, pretend- ing to be in a passion. " ' Tom, your sowl !' says the voice in the sack, ' If you let the cat out of the bag, I'll murther you.' " 'An honest man would make no objection to be sarched,' said the squire, ' and I insist on it,' says he, laying hold o' the bag, and Tom purtending to fight all the time ; but, my jewel ! before two minutes, they shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and off she went with her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the squire, with a thundering view halloo, after her, clapt the dogs at her heels, and away they went for the bare rife. Never was there seen such running as that day the cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the whole counthry and there the riders were all thrown out,barrin' the huntsman, who had a web-footed horse on purpose for soft places ; and the priest, whose horse could go anywhere by rayson of the priest's blessing; and sure enough, the hunts- man and his rivirence stuck to the hunt like wax ; and just as the cat got on the border of the bog, they saw her give a twist as the foremost dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the flank. Still she went on, however, and headed them well, towards an old mud cabin in the middle of the bog, and there they saw her jump in at the window, and up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard. The huntsman alighted, and went into the house to turn the cat out again when what should he see but an old hag, lying in bed in the corner " ' Did you see a cat come in here ?' says he. " ' Oh, no o o o!' squeeled out the old hag, in a trembling voice, ' there's no cat here,' says she. " Yelp, yelp, yelp ! went the dogs outside. " ' Oh, keep the dogs out o' this,' says the old hag ' oh o o o!' and the huntsman saw her eyes glare under the blanket, just like a cat's. " ' Hillo !' says the huntsman, pulling down the blanket and what should he see but the old hag's flank, all in a gore of blood. " ' Ow, ow ! you old divil is it you ? you owld cat !' says he, open- ing the door. " In rushed the dogs up jumped the old hag, and changing into a cat before their eyes, out she darted through the window again, and made another run for it ; but she couldn't escape, and the dogs gobbled her while you could say ' Jack Robinson.' But the most remarkable part of this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that the pack was ruined from that day out ; for after having eaten the enchanted cat, the divil a thing they would ever hunt afterwards, but mice." HANDY ANDY. 20f CHAPTER XXIV. MURPHY'S story was received with acclamation by all but the little man. " That is all a pack of nonsense," said he. "Well, you're welcome to it, sir," said Murphy, " and if I had greater nonsense, you should have it ; but seriously, sir, I again must beg you to remember, that the country all round here abounds in enchantment ; scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic : but however you may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat speaking, I wonder you are not impressed with the points of moral, in which the story abounds " Fiddlestick ! " said the miniature snarler. " First, the little touch about the corn monopoly then maternal vanity chastised by the loss of the child's toe then Tom's familiarity with his cat, showing the danger arising from a man making too free with his female domestics the historical point about the penal laws the fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag, with the curious final fact in natural history." " It's all nonsense," said the little man, " and I am ashamed of myself for being such a fool as to sit a-listening to such stuff, instead of going to bed, after the fatigue of my journey, and the necessity of rising early to-morrow, to be in good time at the polling.'' " Oh ! then you're going to the election, sir?" said Murphy. *' Yes, sir there's some sense in that and you, gentlemen, remember we must be all up early and I recommend you to follow my example." The little man rang the bell the bootjack and slippers were called for, and after some delay, a very sleepy-looking gossoon entered with a bootjack under his arm, but no slippers. 1 Didn't I say slippers ?" said the little man. ' You did, sir." ' And where are they, sir ?" ' The masther says there isn't any, if you plaze, sir." ' No slippers and you call this an inn ? Oh ! well, ' what can't be cured must be endured' hold me the bootjack, sir." The gossoon obeyed the little man inserted his heel in the cleft, but, on attempting to pull his foot from his boot, he nearly went heels over head backward. Murphy caught him, and put him on his legs again. " Heads up, soldiers," exclaimed Murtough " I thought you were drinking too much." 206 HANDY ANDY. " Sir, I'm not intoxicated," said the mannekin, snappishly " It is the fault of that vile bootjack what sort of a thing is that you have brought ?" added he, in a rage, to the gossoon. " It's the bootjack, sir ; only one o' the horns is gone, you see," and he held up to view a rough piece of board, with an angular slit in it, but one of ' the horns,' as he called it, had been broken off at the top, leaving the article useless. " How dare you bring such a thing as that?" said the little man, in a great rage. " Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I brought you the best I had and it's not my fault it's bruk, so it is, for it wasn't me bruk it, but Biddy batin' the cock." " Beating the cock !" repeated the little man, in surprise " God bless me ! beat a cock with a bootjack ! what savages !" " Oh it's not the hen cock I mane, sir," said the gossoon, " but the beer cock she was batin' the cock into the barrel, sir, wid the bootjack, sir." " That was decidedly wrong," said Murphy ; " a bootjack is better suited to a heel-tap than a full measure." " She was tapping the beer, you mean," said the little man. " Faix, she wasn't tappin' it at all, sir, but hittin' it very hard, she was, and that's the way she bruk it " " Barbarians !" exclaimed the little man, " using a bootjack instead of a hammer !" " Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir, bekase he wanted it for the crucifixion." " The crucifixion !" exclaimed the little man, horrified ; " is it pos- sible they crucify people ?" " Oh no, sir !" said the gossoon, grinning, " it's the picthur I mane, sir an iligant picthur that is hung up in the chapel, and he wanted a hammer to dhrive the nails " tf Oh, & picture of the crucifixion," said the little man. " Yis, sure, sir the alther piece, that was althered for to fit to the place, for it was too big when it came down from Dublin, so they cut off the sides where the sojers was, bekase it stop't out the windows, and wouldn't lave a bit o' light for his reverence to read mass ; and sure the sojers was no loss out o' the alther piece, and was hung up afther in the vesthrey, and sarve them right, the blackguards. But it was sore agen our will to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' and roarin', only, by great good luck, the head o' the blessed Virgin was presarved in the corner, and sure it's beautiful to see the tears runnin' down her face, just over the hole in the wall for the holy wather which is remarkable." The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that followed his account of the altar-piece, which he had no intention of making irreve- rential, and suddenly became silent, with a muttered " More shame for yiz ;" and as his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with orders for the chambermaid to supply bed candles immediately. The party soon separated for their various dormitories, the little man leaving sundry charges to call them early in the morning, and to be sure to have hot water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their boots HANDY ANDY. 207 polished in time, and left at their room doors ; to all of which injunc- tions he severally received the answer of " Certainly, sir ;" and as the bed-room doors were slapped to, one by one, the last sound of the retiring party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little man, shouting, ere he shut his door, " Early early don't forget, Mistress Kelly early .'" A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily prepared ; and, after Mrs. Kelly was assured by Murtough that he was quite comfortable, and perfectly content with his accommodation, for which she made scores of apologies, with lamentations it was not better, &c. &c., the whole household retired to rest, and in about a quarter of an hour the inn was in perfect silence. Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and after listening for some minutes, and being satisfied he was the only watcher under the roof, he gently opened one of the parlour windows, and gave the pre- concerted signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was under the window immediately, and after exchanging a few words with Mur- tough, the latter withdrew, and taking off his boots, and screening with his hand the light of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs, and proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormitory, where, from the chambers on each side, a concert of snoring began to be executed, and at all the doors stood the boots and shoes of the inmates, awaiting the aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh ! inno- cent calf-skins destined to a far different fate not Day and Martin, but Dick the Divil and Company were in wait for you. Murphy col- lected as many as he could carry under his arms, and descended with them to the parlour window, where they were transferred to Dick, who carried them directly to the horse- pond, which lay behind the inn, and there committed them to the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs, Murtough had left the electors without a morsel of sole or upper leather, and was satisfied that a considerable delay, if not pre- vention of their appearance at the poll on the morrow, would be the consequence. " There, Dick," said Murphy, " is the last of them," as he handed the little man's shoes out of the window, " and now, to save appearances, you must take mine too for I must be without boots as well as the rest in the morning. What fun I -shall have when the uproar begins don't you envy me, Dick ? There, be off now : I say though ; not- withstanding you take away my boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond." " Faith, an I will," said Dick, dragging them out of his hands ; " 'twould not be honourable, if I didn't I'd give two pair of boots for the fun you'll have." " Nonsense, Dick Dick, I say my boots." " Honour !" cried Dick, as he vanished round the corner. " That divil will keep his word," muttered Murphy, as he closed the window " I may bid good-bye to that pair of boots bad luck to him." And yet the merry attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a sufferer by his own trick. Dick did keep his word ; and after, with particular delight, sinking 208 HANDY ANDY. Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it was preconcerted, returned to the cottage of Barny, and with his assistance, drew the upset gig from the ditch, and with a second set of harness provided for the occasion, yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle, and drove home. Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the inn ; and lest the loss of the boots and shoes might not be productive of sufficient im- pediment to the movements of the enemy, he determined on venturing a step further. The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers enabled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over the garments they had taken off, he poured the contents of the water-jug and water- bottle he found in each room, and then laying the empty bottle and a tumbler on a chair beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if the drunken men had been dry in the night, and in their endeavours to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their own clothes. The clothes of the little man, in particular, Murphy took especial delight in sousing- more profusely than his neighbours', and not content with taking his shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish of his candle- stick, with just as much unconsumed as would show what they had been. He then retired to the parlour, and with many an internal chuckle at the thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes, and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had provided for him, was soon wrapt in the profoundest slumber, from which he never woke until the morning uproar of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his lair, and rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his own raising, and to make it more apparent that he had been as great a suf- ferer as the rest, he only threw a quilt over his shoulders, and did not draw on his stockings. In this plight he scaled the stairs and joined the storming party, where the little man was leading the forlorn hope, with his candlestick in one hand, and the remnant of his burnt stocking between the finger and thumb of the other " Look at that, sir !" he cried, as he held it up to the landlord. The landlord could only stare. " Bless me !" cried Murphy, " how drunk you must have been, to mistake your stocking for an extinguisher !'* " Drunk, sir ! I wasn't drunk !" " It looks very like it," said Murphy, who did not wait for an answer, but bustled off to another party, who was wringing out his inexpressibles at the door of his bedroom, and swearing at the gossoon, that he must have his boots. " I never seen them, sir," said the boy. " I left them at my door," said the man. "So did I leave mine," said Murphy, "and here I am barefooted it is most extraordinary." 'Has the house been robbed?" said the innocent elector. " Not a one o' me knows, sir !" said the boy " but how would it be robbed, and the doors all fast this mornin' ?" The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word " robbed !" 'Robbed, sir !" exclaimed Mrs. Kelly" no, sir no one was ever robbed in my house my house is respectable and responsible, sir a vartuous house none o' your rantipole places, sir, I'd have you to know HANDY ANDY. ?09 "but decent and well-behaved, and the house was as quiet as a lamb all night." "Certainly, Mrs. Kelly,"said Murphy "not a more respectable house in Ireland I'll vouch for that." " You're a gentleman, Misther Murpby," said Mrs. Kelly, who turned down the passage, uttering indignant ejaculations in a sort of snorting mariner, while her words of anger were returned by Murpby with expressions of soothing and condolence, as he followed her down stairs. The storm still continued above, and while there they shouted, and swore, and complained, Murphy gave his notion of the catastrophe to the landlady below, inferring that the men were drunk, and poured the water over their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves, he re-ascended but the men were incredulous. The little man he found buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the only serviceable bit of decency he had at his command, which only rendered his denuded state more ludicrous. To him Murpby asserted his belief that the whole affair was enchantment, and ventured to hope the small individual would have more faith in fairy machinations for the future ; to which the little abortion only returned his usual " pho ! pho ! nonsense!" Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to and fro, when- ever he encountered the landlord, that worthy individual threw him a knowing look; and the exclamation of " oh Misther Murphy by dad !" given in a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the landlord not only smoked but enjoyed the joke. " You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly !" said Murtough. " To be sure, sir ha ! ha ! ha ! but you are the quare man, Misther Murphy" " Send down the road and get my gig out of the ditch." " To be sure, sir the poor divils. Purty hands they got into :> ' and off went the landlord, with a chuckle. The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring there was no gig to be seen anywhere. Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence again went among the bamboozled electors, who were all obliged to go to bed for want of clothes ; and his bitter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost reconciled them to their minor troubles. To the fears they expressed that they should not be able to reach the town in time for polling that day, Murphy told them to set their minds at rest, for they would be in time on the next. He then borrowed a saddle, as well as a pair of boots, from the landlord ; and the little black mare bore Murphy triumphantly back to the town, after having securely impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were anxiously and hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not. At last Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with Scat- terbrain, was dispatched to hurry them, and his orders were not to come back without them. Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the e^ctors in bed, and all the fires in the house employed in drying their clothes. The little man, wrapped in a blanket, was superintending the cooking of his own before r 210 HANDY ANDY. the kitchen grate ; there hung his garments on some cross sticks, suspended from a string, after the fashion of a roasting jack, which the small gentleman turned before a blazing turf fire ; and beside this contrivance of his, swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing kitchen wench came over to baste now and then. Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive little man, when the kitchen maid, handing the basting-ladle to Andy, begged him to do a good turn, and just to baste the beef for her, for that her heart was broke with all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many. Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied the ladle actively between the troublesome queries of the little man ; but at last, getting confused with some very crabbed questions put to him, Andy became completely bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured it over the little man's coat instead of the beef. A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed, and he implanted a kick at such advantage upon Andy, that he upset him into the dripping pan ; and Andy, in his fall, endeavouring to support himself, caught at the suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy. 212 II.UXDY ANDY. and said he often got into trouble for not doing exactly what he was bid, and that ne was bid ' not to go back without them ; and he would not so he wouldn't devil a fut.' At last, however, Andy was made to understand the propriety of ridinw back to the town ; and was desired to go as fast as his horse could carry him to gallop every foot of the way : but Andy did no such thing; he had received a good thrashing once for being caught gal- lopin^his master's horse on the road; and he had no intention of running the risk a second time, because ' the stranger ' told him to do so. " What does he know about it," said Andy to himself; "faith its fair and aisy I'll go, and not disthress the horse, to plaze any one." So he went back his ten miles only at a reasonable pace ; and when he appeared without (lie electors a storm burst on poor Andy. " There ! I knew how it would be," said he ; " and not my fault at all." " Weren't you told not to return without them ? " lf But wait till I tell you how it was, sure ;" and then Andy began an account of the condition in which the voters lay at the inn; but between the impatience of those who heard and the confused manner of Andy's recital it was some time before matters were explained : then Andy was desired to ride back to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes should be forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting their utmost exertions in hastening over to the town, for that the election was going against them. Andy returned to the inn, and this time, under orders from head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in his horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The day was wearing apace, and it was so late when the electors were enabled to start, that the polling booths were closed before they could reach the town ; and in many of those booths the requisite number of electors had not been polled that day to keep them open, so that the next day nearly all these out electors, about whom there had been so much trouble and expense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick was quite successful, and the poor pickled electors driven back to their inn in dudgeon. Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed, for a return to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead lame, so that to ride him better than twelve miles home was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him where he was, and trudge it to the Hall ; for all the horses in Kelly's stables were knocked up with their day's work. As it was shorter by four miles across the country than by the road, Andy pursued the former course, and, as he knew the country well, the shades of evening, which were now closing round, did not deter him in the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey, to be sure, for he had ridden upwards of thirty miles that day, so the merry whistle, which is so constantly heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while away the tedium of his walk. It was night when Andy was breasting up a low ridge of hills which lay between him and the end of his journey ; and when in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, !;o threw himself on some heather to rest and take breath. His attention was suddenly covght by a small blue flame.. -which flickered now air' HANDY ANDY. 213 upon the face of the hill, not very far from him ; and Andy's fears of fairies and goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast. He wished to rise, but could not ; his eye continued to be strained with the fascina- tion of fear in the direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the gloom through which, at intervals, the small point of flame flashed brightly and sunk again, making the darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness, and in the silence which was unbrcken, even h" his own breathing, he thought he heard voices underground. He trem- bled from head to foot, for he was certain they were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly believed to inhabit the hills. " Oh ! murdher, what '11 I do," thought Andy to himself; " sure I heerd often, if once you were within the sound of their voices you could never get out o' their power Oh ! if I could only say a father and ave, but I forget my prayers, with the fright Hail, Mary ! The king o' the fairies lives in these hills, I know and his house is unclher me this minit, and I on the roof of it I'll never get down again they'll make me slater to the fairies ; and sure enough, I remember me, the hill is all covered with flat stones they call fairy slates Oh ! I am ruined God be praised." Here he blessed himself, and laid his head close to the earth. '' Guardian angels I hear their voices singin' a dhrinking song Oh ! if I had a dhrop o' wather myself, for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig and I on the top o' their house see there's the little blaze again I wondher is their chimbley a-fire Oh ! murther, I'll die o' thirst Oh ! if I had only one dhrop o' wather I wish it would rain or hail Hail, Mary, full o' grace whisht ! what's that ?" Andy couched lower than before, as he saw a figure rise from the earth, and attain a height which Andy computed to be something about twenty feet ; his heart shrank to the size of a nut-shell, as he beheld the monster expand to his full dimensions ; and at the same moment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground. Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy changed his opinion of the parties into whose power he had fallen, and saw clearly they were giants, not fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim. He would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not terror rendered him speechless, as the remembrance of all the giants he had ever heard of from the days of Jack and the Bean-Stalk down, came into his head ; but though his sense of speaking was gone, that of hearing was pain- fully acute, and he heard one of the giants say " That pot is not big enough." " Oh ! it howlds as much as we want," replied the other. " O Lord," thought Andy ; " they've got their pot ready for cooking. " What keeps him?" said the first giant. " Oh ! he's not far off," said the second. A clammy shivering came over Andy. " I'm hungry," said the first ; and he hiccupped as he spoke. " It's only a false appetite you have," said the second ; " you're drunk." This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants were too strong to get drunk. "I could ate a young child, without parsley and butther," said the drunken Y. 249 " Arrah, good woman, who axed for your company who are you at all ?" " Your mother-in-law, jewel !" cried the widow Rooney, making another open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law, who received the widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist, instead of her lip* ; and the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backwards on the floor. "Take that, you owld faggot!" cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped it, and wiped her hand in her apron. The old woman roared " millia' mm0 HANDY ANDY. " ' You seem to have a great deal of that article on your hands, sir, said Sir Arthur. ' You're an Irishman, I suppose.' " ' Yes, sir,' said Tom. " ' I thought so. Your name.' " ' Loftus, sir.' " ' Ely family ?' " No, sir.' " ' Glad of it.' He put up his tablet, after writing the name. " ' May I beg the favour to know, sir,' said Tom, ' to whom I have the honour of addressing myself?' " ' Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir.' Oh, J s !' cried Tom. ' I'm done !' " Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extraordinary change in Tom's countenance ; and Tom, taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron manner, said, in a most penitent tone, " ' Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley, only forgive me this time, and 'pon my sowl,' says he, with the richest brogue, ' I'll play a Te Deum for the first licking you give the French.' " Sir Arthur smiled, and left the office." " Did he report, as he threatened ?" asked the Squire. " Faith, he did." " And Tom ?" inquired Dick. " Was sent back to Ireland, sir." ' " That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him," said Murphy. " Ah, he did not let him suffer in pocket ; he was transferred at as good a salary to a less important department ; but you know the Duke has been celebrated all his life for never overlooking a breach of duty." " And who can blame him ?" said Moriarty. " One great advantage of the practice has been," said the Squire, " that no man has been better served. I remember hearing a striking instance of what, perhaps, might be called severe justice, which he exercised on a young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain ; and though one cannot help pitying the case of the gallant young fellow who was the sacrifice, yet the question of strict duty, to the very word, was set at rest for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much after trouble, by making every officer satisfied, however fiery his courage or tender his sense of being suspected of the white feather, that implicit obedience was the course he must pursue. The case was this : the army was going into action" " What action was it?" inquired Father Phil, with that remarkable alacrity which men of peace evince in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps because it is forbidden to their cloth ; one of the many instances of things acquiring a fictitious value by being inter- dicted, just as Father Phil himself might have been a protestant only for the penal laws. " I don't know what action it was," said the Squire, " nor the officer's name, for I don't set up for a military chronicler ; but it was, as I have been telling you, going into action that the Duke posted an officer, with his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain there until he had orders from him. Away went the rest of the army, and the officer was HANDY ANDY. 2G1 left doing nothing at all, which he didn't like ; for he was one of those high- blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as when they are making other people miserable, and he was longing for the head of a French column to be hammering away at. In half an hour or so he heard the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer and nearer, until he heard it close beside him ; and he wondered rather that he was not invited to take a share in it, when, pat to his thought, up came an aide-de-camp at full speed, telling him that General somebody ordered him to bring up his guns. The officer asked, did not the order come from Lord Wellington ? The aide-de-camp said no, but from the General, whoever he was. The officer explained that he was placed there by Lord Wellington, under command not to move, unless by an order from himself. The aide-de-camp stated that ihe General's entire brigade was being driven in, and must be annihilated without the aid of the guns, and asked, 1 would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered ?' in a tone which wounded the young soldier's pride, savouring, as he thought it did, of an imputation on his courage. He immediately ordered his guns to move, and joined battle with the General ; but while he was away, an aide-de-camp from Lord Wellington rode up to where the guns had been posted, and, of course, no gun was to be had for the service which Lord Wellington required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it hap- pened ; but the want of those six guns seriously marred a preconcerted movement of the Duke's, and the officer in command of them was immediately brought to a court-martial, and would have lost his com- mission but for the universal interest made in his favour by the general officers, in consideration of his former meritorious conduct and distin- guished gallantry, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case. They did not break him, but he was suspended, and Lord Wellington sent him home to England. Almost every general officer in the army endeavoured to get this sentence revoked, lamenting the fate of a gallant fellow being sent away for a slight error in judgment, while the army was in full action ; but Lord Wellington was inexorable, saying he must make an example to secure himself in the perfect obedience of officers to their orders ; and it had the effect." " Well, that's what I call hard," said Dick. " My dear Dick," said the Squire, " war is altogether a hard thing, and a man has no business to be a General who isn't as hard as his own round shot." " And what became of the dear young man ?" said Father Phil, who seemed much touched by the readiness with which the dear young mar. set off to mow down the French. " I can tell you," said Moriarty, " for I served with him afterwards in the Peninsula. He was let back after a year or so, and became so thorough a disciplinarian, that he swore, when once he was at his post, ' They might kill his father before his face, and he wouldn't budge until he had orders.' " " A most Christian resolution," said the Doctor. " Well, I can tell you," said Moriarty, " of a Frenchman, who nir.de a greater breach of discipline, and it was treated more leniently. I heard the story from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you 262 HANDY ANDY. his voice and gesture and manner, it would amuse you. What fellows those Frenchmen are, to be sure, for telling a story ! they make a sbrug or a wink have twenty different meanings, and their claws are mos elo- quent, one might say they talk ou their fingers, and their broken English, I think, helps them." " Then give the story, Randal, in his manner," said Dick. " I have heard you imitate a Frenchman capitally." " Well, here goes," said Moriarty ; " but let me wet my whistle with a glass of claret before I begin, a French story should have French wine." Randal tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of reserve, and then began the French officer's story. " You see, sare, it vos ven in Espagne de bivouac vos vairy ard indeet 'pon us, vor ve coot naut get into de town at all, nevair, becos you dam English keep all de town to yoursefs vor ve fall back at dat time becos we get not support no corps de reserve, you perceive so ve mek retrograde movement not retreat no, no but retrograde movement. Veil von night I was wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de devil, and de vind vos vinding up de vally, so cold as noting at all, and de dark vos vot you coot not see no not your nose bevore your face. Well, I hear de tramp of horse, and I look into de dark for ve vere very moche on de qui vive, because ve expec de Ingelish to attaque de next day but I see noting ; but de tramp of horse come closer and closer, and at last I ask, ' Who is dere ? ' and de tramp of de horse stop. I run forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not vant to mek him prisonair for you must know dat he vos prisonair, if I like, ven he vos vithin our line. He is very polite he say, ' Bien oblige bon enfant ; and ve tek off our hat to each ozer. ' I aff lost my roat,' he say ; and I say, ' Yais' bote I vill put him into his roat ; and so I ask for a moment, pardon, and go back to my caporal, and tell him to be on de qui vive till I come back. De Ingilish offisair and me talk very plaisant vile ve go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven ve come to de turn, I say, ' Bon soir, Monsieur le Capitaine dat is your vay.' He den tank me, vera moche like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some return for my generosite, as he please to say and I say, ' Bah ! Ingilish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who lose his vay.' ' Den come here,' he say, ' bon enfant, can you leave your post for 'aft' an hour ?' ' Leave my post?' I say.' Yais,' said he, ' I know your army has not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie ?' ' Ma foi, yais,' said I ; ' I aff naut slips to my eyes, nor meat to my stomach, for more dan fife days.' ' Veil, bon enfant,' he say, ' come vis me, and I vill gif you goot supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' ' Coot Heave my post?' I say. He say, ' Bah! Caporal take care till you come back.' By gar, I coot naut resist he vos so vairy moche gentilman, and 7 vos so ongrie I go vis him not fife hunder yarts ah ! bon Dieu how nice ! In de corner of a leetel ruin chappel, dere is nice bit of fire, and hang on a string before it, de half of a kid oh del ! de smell of de ros-bif was so nice I rub my hands to de fire I sniff de cuisine I see in anozer corner a couple bottels of wine sacre ! it vos all w*t.a\r in my mouts ! Ve sit down to suppair HANDY ANDY. 263 I nevair did ate so moche in my life. Ve did finish de bones, and vosh down all mid ver good wine excellent ! Ve drink de toast d la gloire and ve talk of de campaign. Ve drink a la Patrie, and den / tink of la belle France and ma douce amie and he fissel ' Got safe de king.' Ve den drink a I'amitie, and shek hands over dat fire in goot frain- ship, dem two hands dat might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat was fine 'twas galliard 'twas le vrai chivalrie; two soldier ennemi to share de same kid, drink de same wine, and talk like two friends. Veil, I got den so sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot friend says to me, ' Sleep, old fellow ; 1 know you aff got hard fare of late, and you are tired ; sleep, all is quiet for to-night, and I will call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos so tired, I forgot my duty, and fall down fast asleep. Veil, sair, in de night de pickets of de two armie get so close, and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in von moment all in confusion. I am shake by the shoulder I wake like from dream I heard sharp fusillade my friend cry, ' Fly to your post, it is attack !' We exchange one *hek of de hand, and I run off to my post. Oh del! it is driven in I see dem fly. Oh, man desespoir a ce moment- la ! I am ruin deshonore I rush to de front I rally mes braves ve stand ! ve advance ! ! ve regain de post ! ! ! 1 am safe ! ! ! ! De fusillade cease it is only an affair of outposts. I tink I am safe I tink I am very fine fellow but Monsieur I' Aide-Major send for me and he speak " ' Vere vos you last night, sair ? ' " ' I mount guard by de mill ' " ' Are you sure ?' " ' Oui, monsieur.' " ' Vere vos you when your post vos attack ? ' " I saw it vos no use to deny any longer, so I confess to him every- ting. ' Sair,' said he, ' you rally your men very good, or you should be shot. Young man, remember,' said he I will never forget his vorts * young man, vine is goot slip is goot goat is goot, but honners is letters!'" "A capital story, Randal," cried Dick; "but how much of it did you invent ? " " 'Pon my soul, it is as near the original as possible." 11 Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story," said the Doctor. " You should take a story as you get it, and not play the dissector upon it, mangling its poor body to discover the bit of embellishment upon it ; and as long as a raconteur maintains vraisemblance, I contend you are bound to receive the whole as true." " A most author-like creed, Doctor," said Dick ; " you are a story- teller yourself, and enter upon the defence of your craft with great spirit." " And justice, too," said the Squire ; " the Doctor is quite right." " Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the artist," said the Doctor ; " but so long as they are in keeping with the picture I enjoy them ; for instance, my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman ' fis sling God safe de King' is very happy quite in character." " Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true," said Randal, 264 HANDY ANDY. " and puts the Englishman in a fine point of view a generous fellow, sharing his supper with his enemy, whose sword may be through his body in the next morning's ' affair.' " " But the Frenchman was generous to him first," remarked the Squire. '"' Certainly I admit it," said Randal. " In short, they were both fine fellows." " Oh, sir," said Father Phil, " the French are not deficient in a chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very pretty little bit of anecdote about the way they behaved to one of our regiments on a retreat in Spain." " Your regiments !" said Moriarty, who was rather fond of hitting hard at a priest when he could ; " a regiment of friars, is it ? " " No, Captain, but of soldiers ; and its going through a river they were, and the French, taking advantage of their helpless condition, were peppering away at them hard and fast." " Very generous, indeed !" said Moriarty, laughing. " Let me finish my story, Captain, before you quiz it. I say, they were peppering them sorely while they were crossing the river, until some women, the followers of the camp, ran down, poor creatures, to the shore, and the stream was so deep in the middle, they could scarcely ford it ; so some dragoons, who were galloping as hard as they could out of the fire, pulled up on seeing the condition of the womenkind, and each horseman took up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own power of speeding from the danger. The moment the French saw this act of manly courtesy they ceased firing, and gave a cheer for the dragoons ; and as long as the women were within gun-shot, not a trigger was pulled in the French line, but volleys of cheers, instead of ball car- tridge, were sent after the brigade, till all the women were over. Now wasn't that generous ?" " 'Twas a handsome thing ! " was the universal remark. " And faith, I can tell you, Captain Moriarty, the army took advan- tage of it ; for there was a great struggle to have the pleasure of the ladies' company over the river." " I dare say, Father Phil," said the Squire, laughing " Throth, Squire," said the padre, " fond of the girls as the soldiers have the reputation of being, they never liked them better than that same day." " Yes, yes," said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he rather affected the u dare-devil," " I see you mean to insinuate that we soldiers fear fire." " I did not say, fear, Captain ; but they'd like to get out of it, for all that, and small blame to them aren't they flesh and blood, like our- selves ? " " Not a bit like you," said Moriarty. " You sleek and smooth gen- tlemen, who live in luxurious peace, know little of a soldier's dangers or feelings." " Captain, we all have our dangers to go through ; and maybe a priest has as many as a soldier ; and we only show a difference of taste, after all, in the selection." HANDY ANDY. 9.G5 " Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true soldier fears nothing !" said Moriarty, with energy. " Maybe so," answered Father Phil, quietly. " It is quite clear, however," said Murphy, " that war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally the finer feelings of our natures ; but it is only such redeeming traits as those we have heard which can reconcile us to it. I remember having heard an incident of war, myself, which affected me much," said Murphy, who caught the infection of military anecdote which circled the table ; and indeed there is no more catching theme can be started among men, for it may be remarked that whenever it is broached it flows on until it is rather more than time to go to the ladies. " It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day of Waterloo," said Murphy, " that a young officer of the Guards received a wound which brought him to the ground. His companions rushed on to the occupation of some point their desperate valour was called on to carry, and he was left, utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in his foot. He lay for some hours with the thunder of that terrible day ringing around him, and many a rush of horse and foot had passed close beside him. Towards the close of the day he saw one of the Black Brunswick dragoons approaching, who drew rein as his eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding the officer was not mortally wounded, he assisted him to rise, lifted him into his saddle, and helped to support him there while he walked beside him to the English rear. The Brunswicker was an old man ; his brow and moustache were grey ; despair was in his sunken eye, and from time to time he looked up with an expression of the deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, who saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he gazed upon him. " ' You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind friend,' said the stripling. " ' No wonder,' answered the old man, with a hollow groan. ' I and my three boys were in the same regiment they were alive the morning of Ligny I am childless to-day. But I have revenged them !' he said fiercely, and as he spoke he held out his sword, which was literally red with blood. ' But, oh ! that will not bring me back my boys !' he ex- claimed, relapsing into his sorrow. * My three gallant boys !' and again he wept bitterly, till clearing his eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young soldier's handsome face, he said tenderly, ' You are like my youngest one, and I could not let you lie on the field.' " Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he recited this anecdote ; and as for Father Phil, he was quite melted, ejaculating in an under tone, " Oh, my poor fellow ! my poor fellow !" " So there," said Murphy, "is an example of a man, with revenge in his heart, and his right arm tired with slaughter, suddenly melted into gentleness by a resemblance to his child." " 'Tis very touching, but very sad," said the Squire. 11 My dear sir," said the Doctor, with his peculiar dryness, " sadness is the principal fruit which warfare must ever produce. You may talk of glory as long as you Hke, but you cannot have your laurel without your cypress and though you may select certain bits of sentiment out of 266 HANDY ANDY. a mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will give you one little story' which sha'n't keep you long, and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory in general.' 1 " At the peace of 1803, I happened to be travelling through a town in France, where a certain Count I knew resided. 1 waited upon him, and he received me most cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse that I was only en route, and supplied with but travelling costume, and therefore not fit to present myself amongst the guests of such a house as his. He assured me I should only meet his own family, and pledged himself for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the ceremony of a grande toilette. I went to the hotel at the appointed hour, and as I passed through the hall I caught a glance at the dining- room, and saw a very long table laid. On arriving at the reception- room, I taxed the Count with having broken faith with me, and was about making my excuses to the Countess, when she assured me the Count had dealt honestly by me, for that I was the only guest to join the family party. Well, we sat down to dinner, three-and- twenty per- sons ; myself, the Count and Countess, and their twenty children, and a more lovely family I never saw ; he a man in the vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and these their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of father and mother glanced with pride and affection from one side to the other on these future staffs of their old age. Well, the peace of Amiens was of short duration, and I saw no more of the Count till Napoleon's abdication. Then I visited France again, and saw my old friend. But it was a sad sight, sir, in that same house, where little more than ten years before I had seen the bloom and beauty of twenty children, to sit down with three all he had left him. His sons had fallen in battle his daughters had died widowed, leaving but orphans. And thus it was all over France. While the public voice shouted ' Glory,' wailing was in her homes. Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her hearths were made desolate." " Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing," repeated Moriarty. " Baithershin," said Father Phil. " Faith, I have been in places of danger you'd be glad to get out of, I can tell you, as bowld as you are, Captain." " You'll pardon me for doubting you, Father Blake," said Moriarty, rather huffed. " Faith, then, you wouldn't like to be where I was before I came here ; that is, in a mud cabin, where I was giving the last rites to six people dying in the typhus fever." " Typhus !" exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and instinctively withdrawing his chair as far as he could from the padre beside whom he sat. " Ay, typhus, sir ; most inveterate typhus." " Gracious Heaven!" said Moriarty, rising, "how can you do such a dreadful thing as run the risk of bearing infection into society ?" " I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything," said Father Phil, laughing at him ; and the rest of the party joined in the merriment. " Fairly hit, Moriarty," said Dick. " Nonsense !" said Moriarty, " when I spoke of danger, I meant such HANDY ANDY. 267 open danger as in short, not such insidious, lurking abomination, as infection ; for I contend that " " Say no more, Randal," said Growling, "you're done ! Father Phil has floored you." " I deny it," said Moriarty, warmly ; but the more he denied it the more every one laughed at him. " You're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty," said the Squire ; " for the best of the joke is, Father Phil wasn't in contact with typhus at all, but was riding with me, and 'tis but a joke." Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was excessively angry, but felt himself in such a ridiculous position that he could not quarrel with anybody. " Pardon me, my dear Captain," said the Father. " I only wanted to show you that a poor priest has to run the risk of his life just as much as the boldest soldier of them all. But don't you think now, Squire, we ought to join the ladies ? I'm sure the tay will be tired waiting for us." 268 HAJSDY ANDY CHAPTER XXXIII, MRS. EGAN was engaged with some needle-work, and Fanny turning over the leaves of a music-book, and occasionally humming some bars of her favourite songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room. Fanny rose from the piano-forte as they entered. " Oh, Miss Dawson," exclaimed Moriarty, " why tantalize us so much as to let us see you seated in that place where you can render so much delight, only to leave it as we enter ?" Fanny turned off the Captain's flourishing speech with a few lively words and a smile, and took her seat at the tea-table to do the honours. " The Captain," said Father Phil to the Doctor, " is equally great in love or war." " And knows about as little of one as the other," said the Doctor " his attacks are too open." "And therefore easily foiled,'' said Father Phil. " How that pretty creature, with the turn of a word and a curl of her lip, upset him that time! Oh, what a powerful thing a woman's smile is, Doctor ! I often congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mundane follies and attractions out of my way, when I see and know what fools wise men are sometimes made by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, Doctor ; though, of course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an allwise Providence." " Is it that fools should have the mastery ?" inquired the Doctor, drily with a mischievous query in his eye as well. " Tut, tut, tut, Doctor," replied Father Phil, impatiently ; " you know well enough what I mean, and I won't allow you to engage me iu one of your ingenious battles of words. I speak of that wonderful influence of the weaker sex over the stronger, and how the word of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the resolves of a furrowed brow ; and how the pooh ! pooh ! I'm making a fool of myself talking to you ; but to make a long story short, I would rather wrastle out a logical dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of the Fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a pretty mouth with a smile on it." " Oh, I quite agree with you," said the Doctor, grinning, "that the fathers are not half such dangerous customers as the daughters." " Ah, go along with you, Doctor!'' said Father Phil, with a good- humoured laugh. " I see you are in one of your mischievous moods, and so I'll have nothing more to say to you." The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the Doctor took a seat near Fanny Dawson, and enjoyed a quiet little bit of conversation with her, while Moriarty was turning over the leaves of her album ; but the brow of the Captain, who affected a taste in poetry, became knit, HANDY ANDY. 269 and his lip assumed a contemptuous curl as he perused some lines, and asked Fanny whose was the composition. " I forget," was Fanny's answer. " I don't wonder," said Moriarty ; " the author is not worth remem- bering, for they are very rough." Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism, and said, that when sung to the measure of the air written down on the opposite page, they were very flowing. " But the principal phrase, the ' refrain' I may say, is so vulgar," added Moriarty, returning to the charge. " The gentleman says, ' What would you do ?' and the lady answers, ' That's what I'd do.' Do you call that poetry ?" " I don't call that poetry," said Fanny, with some emphasis on ths word ; " but if you connect those two phrases with what is inter- mediately written, and read all in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think there is poetry in them, but if not poetry, certainly feeling." " Can you tolerate ' That's what Fd do?' the pert answer of a housemaid." " A phrase in itself homely," answered Fanny, " may become ele- vated by the use to which it is applied." " Quite true, Miss Dawson," said the Doctor, joining in the discus- sion ; " but what are these lines which excite Randal's ire ?" " Here they are," said Moriarty. " I will read them, if you allow me, and then judge between Miss Dawson and me. ' What will you do, love, when I am going, With white sail flowing, The seas beyond ? What will you do, love, when ' " Stop, thief! stop, thief!" cried the Doctor. " Why you are robbing the poet of his reputation as fast as you can. You don't attend to the rhythm of those lines, you don't give the ringing of the verse." " That's just what I have said, in other words," said Fanny. "When sung to the melody they are smooth." "But a good reader, Miss Dawson," said the Doctor, " will read verse with the proper accent, just as a musician would divide it into bars ; but my ff iend Randal there, though he can tell a good story, and hit off prose very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than new beer has of a holiday." " And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a holiday ?" " Because, sir, it works of a Sunday. 1 ' " Your beer maybe new, Doctor, but your joke is not, I have seen it before, in some old form." " Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare, and started it fresh, it may do for folks to run after as well as anything else. But you sha'n't escape your misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have done, by finding fault with my joke redivivus. You read those lines, sir, like a bellman, without any attention to metre." " To be sure," said Father Phil, who had been listening for some time ; " they have a ring in them " Like a pig's nose," said the Doccor. 270 HANDY ANDY. " Ah, be aisy," said Father Phil. " I say they have a ring in them like an owld Latin canticle, ' What will you do, love, when I am go-ing, With white sail/ow-ing, The says be-yond?' That's it!" " To be sure," said the Doctor. " I vote for the Father's reading them out on the spot." " Pray do, Mister Blake," said Fanny. " Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading love verses?" " Take the book, sir," said Growling, " and show me you have some faith in your own sayings, by obeying a lady directly." " Pooh ! pooh !" said the priest. " You won't refuse me ?" said Fanny, in a coaxing tone. 11 My dear Miss Dawson," said the padre. " Father Phil !" said Fanny, with one of her rosy smiles. " Oh, wow ! wow ! wow !" ejaculated the priest in an amusing em- barrassment, " I see you will make me do whatever you like." So Father Phil gave the rare example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could not resist the demand that came from a pretty mouth. He took the book, and read the lines with much feeling, but with an obser- vance of rhythm so grotesque, that it must be given in his own manner. 2H!)at fofll gott fro, Hobe ? i. " What will you do, love, when I am go -ing, With white sail Rowing, The seas be-yond f What will you do, love, when waves di-vide us, And friends may chide us, For being fond?" " Though waves di-vide us, and friends be cA-ding, In faith a-W-ding, I'll still be true ; And I'll pray for thee on the stormy o-cean, In deep de-t>o-tion j That's what I'll do I" ' What would you do, love, if distant HANDY ANDY. hemmed in betune the four o' them, faced his horse to the ditch, and took across the counthry ; but the thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, and powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to a steeple chase a'most ; and Jim, seein' he could not shake them off, thought the best thing he could do was to cut out some throublesome work for them ; so he led off where he knew there was the divil's own leap to take, and he intended to 'pound* them there, and be off in the mane time ; but as ill luck would have it, his own horse, that was as bowld as himself, and would jump at the moon if he was faced to it, missed his foot in takin' off, and fell short o' the leap and slipped his shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and, av coorse, it was all over wid him and up came the four gintlemen. Well, Jim had his pistols yet, and he pulled them out, and swore he'd shoot the first man that attempted to take him ; but the gintlemen had pistols as well as he, and were so hot on the chase they determined to have him, and closed on him. Jim fired and killed one o' them ; but he got a ball in the shouldher himself from another, and he was taken. Jim sthruv to- shoot himself with his second pistol, but it missed fire. ' The curse o' the road is on me,' said Jim ; ' my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped his shouldher, and now I'll be scragged,' says he, ' but it's not for nothing I've killed one o' ye,' says he." " He was all pluck," said Goggins. "Desperate- bowld," said Larry. " Well, he was thried and con- dimned, av coorse ; and was hanged, as I tell you, half a mile out o' this very place where we are sittin', and bis appearance walks, they say,. ever since." " You don't say so !" said Goggins. * ' Faith, it's thrue !"" answered Larry.. " You never saw it," said Goggins. "The Lord forbid!" returned Larry; "but it's thrue, for all that. For you see the big house near this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted because Jim's ghost used to walk." " That was foolish," said Goggins ; " stir up the fire, Jim, and hand me the whisky."" " Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got over that ; but at last, one night, as the story goes, when there was a thremendious storm o' wind and rain " " Whisht !" said one of the peasants, " what's that ? ' As they listened they heard the beating of heavy rain against the door, and the wind howled through its chinks. " Well," said Goggins, "what are you stopping for?" " Oh, I'm not stoppin'," said Larry ; " I was sayin' that it was a bad wild night, and Jimmy Barlow's appearance came into the house, and asked them for a glass o' sper'ts, and that he'd be obleeged to them if they'd help him with his horse that slipped his shouldher ; and, faith, afther that they'd stay In the place no longer; and, signs on it, the house is gone to rack and ruin, and it's only this barn that is kept up at all, because it's convaynient for owld Skinflint on the farm." * Impound. HANDY ANDY. 297 ** That's all nonsense," said Goggins> who wished, nevertheless, that he had not heard the ' nonsense.' " Come, sing another song, Jim." Jim said he did not remember one. " Then you sing, Ralph." Ralph said every one knew he never did more than join a chorus. " Then join me in a chorus," said Goggins, " for I'll sing, if Jim's afraid.' 1 " I'm not afraid," said Jim. " Then why won't you sing?" " Because I don't like." " Ah!" exclaimed Goggins. "Well, maybe you're afraid yourself," said Jim, "if you told truth." " Just to show you how little I'm afraid," said Goggins, with a swaggering air, " I'll sing another song about Jimmy Barlow." " You'd better not," said Larry Hogan ; " let him rest in pace 1" " Fudge I" said Goggins. " Will you join chorus, Jim?" " I will," said Jim, fiercely. " We'll all join," said the men, (except Larry,) who felt it would be a sort of relief to bully away the supernatural terror which hung round their hearts after the ghost story, by the sound of their own voices. " Then here goes 1 " said Goggins, who started another long ballad about Jimmy Barlow, in the opening of which all joined. It ran as follows : " My name it is Jimmy Barlow, I was born in the town of Carlow, And here I lie in Maryborough jail, All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail, Fol de rol de riddle i-do !" As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through all its length, breadth, and thickness, we shall leave the singers engaged in their chorus, while we call the reader's attention to a more interesting person than Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow. 298 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XXXVII. WHEN Edward O'Connor had hurried from the burial-place, he threw himself into his saddle, and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot where his feelings had been so harrowed ; and as he swept along through the cold night wind which began to rise in gusty fits, and howled past him, there was, in the violence of his rapid motion, something congenial to the fierce career of painful thoughts which chased each other through his heated brain. He continued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed in bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external impressions, and he knew not how far nor how fast he was going, though the heavy breathing of his horse at any other time would have been signal sufficient to draw the rein ; but still he pressed onward, and still the storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to sweep down the succeeding slope at the same deperate pace. Hitherto the road over which he pursued his fleet career lay through an open country, and though the shades of a stormy night hung above it, the horse could make his way in safety through the gloom ; but now they approached an old road which skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw their arms across the old causeway, and added their shadows to the darkness of the night. Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the soft summer under the green shade of these very trees, in company with Fanny Dawson, his guiltless heart full of hope and love ; perhaps it was this very thought crossing his mind at the moment which made his present cir- cumstances the more oppressive. He was guiltless no longer, he rode not in happiness with the woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees, but heard the wintry wind howl through their leafless boughs as he hurried in maddened speed beneath them, and heard in the dismal sound but an echo of the voice of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks which overhung the road, but still the horse was urged through the dark ravine at speed, though one might not see an arm's length before them. Fearlessly it was performed, though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their heavy branches in the storm, smaller portions of the boughs were snapped off and flung in the faces of the horse and the rider, who still spurred and plashed his headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerging at length from the deep and overshadowed valley, a steep hill raised its crest in advance, but still up the stony acclivity the feet of the mettled steed rattled rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As they approached the top of the hill the force of HANDY ANDY. 209 the storm became more apparent, and on reaching its crest, the fierce pelting of the mingled rain and hail made the horse impatient of the storm of which his rider was heedless, almost unconscious. The spent animal with short snortings betokened his labour, and shook his head passionately as the fierce hail shower struck him in the eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he urged downward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and pressed over a rough descent, the generous creature, that would die rather than refuse, made a false step, and came heavily to the ground. Edward was stunned by the fall, though not seriously hurt ; and, after the lapse of a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the horse still prostrate. Taking the animal by the head, he assisted him to rise, which he was not enabled to do till after several efforts ; and when he regained his legs, it was manifest he was seriously lamed ; and as he limped along with difficulty beside his master, who led him gently, it became evident that it was beyond the animal's power to reach his own stable that night. Edward for the first time was now aware of how much he had punished his horse ; he felt ashamed of using the noble brute with such severity, and became conscious that he had been acting under something little short of frenzy. The conscious- ness at once tended to restore him somewhat to himself, and he began to look around on every side in search of some house where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled horse. As he proceeded thus, the care necessarily bestowed on his dumb companion partially called off his thoughts from the painful theme with which they had been exclu- sively occupied, and the effect was most beneficial. The first violent burst of feeling was past, and a calmer train of thought succeeded ; he for the first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, and that was a great consolation to him : he recalled, too, his own words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and in this pleasing hope of the future he saw much to redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, however, the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave of his adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-digger, that he was but " finishing his work," would recur to his memory, and awake an internal groan. From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape, by looking forward to all he would do for Gustavus, and had become much calmer, when the glimmer of a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was enabled to perceive it proceeded from some buildings that lay on his right, not far from the road. He turned up the rough path which formed the approach, and the light escaped through the chinks of a large door, which indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such office, belonging to the general pile, which seemed in a ruinous condition. As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of merriment, amongst which the joining of many voices, in a " ree-raw" chorus, indicated that a carouse was going forward within. On reaching the door, he could perceive through a wide chink a group of men sitting round a turf fire, which was piled at the far end of the building, which had no fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof, wreathed the rafters in smoke ; beneath this vapoury canopy the party sat drinking and singing, and Edward, ere he knocked for admit- tance, listened to the following strange refrain. 300 HANDY ANDY. " for my name it is Jimmy Barlow, I was born in the town of Carlow, And here I lie in Maryborough jail, All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail. Fol de rol de riddle-iddle-ido ! " Then the principal singer took up the song, which seemed to be one of robbery, blood, and murder, for it ran thus : " Then he cocked his pistol gaily, And stood before him bravely, Smoke and fire is my desire, So blaze away, my game-cock squire. For my name it is Jimmy Barlow, I was born, fyc." Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly ; the words he had just heard about " pistols," " blazing away," and, last of all, " squire," fell gratingly on his ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect themselves with the previous adventures of the night and his own sad thoughts, and he beat against the door with violence. The chonis ceased. Edward repeated his knocking. Still there was no answer; but he heard low and hurried muttering inside. Determined, however, to gain admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with violence, that there might be no excuse on the part of the inmates that they did not hear ; but in thus making the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded to his touch, and creaked open on its rusty hinges ; for when Larry Hogan had entered it had been forgotten to be barred. As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first object which met his eye was the coffin, and it is impossible to say how much at that moment the sight shocked him ; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not withdraw his eyes from the revolting object ; and the pallor with which his previous mental anxiety had invested his cheek, increased as ne looked on this last tenement of mortality. " Am I to see nothing but the evidences of death's doings this night ?'' was the mental question which shot through Edward's overwrought brain, and he grew livid at the thought. He looked more like one raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more unearthly. He felt that shame which men always experience in allowing their feelings to overcome them ; and by a great effort he mas- tered his emotion and spoke, but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement under which he laboured, and was hollow and broken, and seemed more like that which one might fancy to proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre, than one of flesh and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in wet flakes over his face, and added to his wild appear- ance, so that the men all jumped to their feet the first glimpse they caught of him, and huddled themselves together in the farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed him with evident alarm. Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling of faintness C*^ HANDY ANDY. 301 which overcame him ; and though he deemed it probable he had broken in upon the nocturnal revel of desperate and lawless men, he never- theless asked them to give him some ; but instead of displaying that alacrity so universal in Ireland, of sharing the " creature " with a new comer, the men only pointed to the bottle which stood beside the fire, and drew closer together. Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that he scarcely noticed the singular want of courtesy on the part of the men ; and seizing the bottle (for there was no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a hearty dram of the spirit before he spoke. " I must ask for shelter and assistance here,' 1 said Edward. " My horse, I fear, has slipped his shoulder " Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous roar of terror burst from the group they fancied the ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, and made a simultaneous rush from the barn ; and as they saw the horse at the door, another yell escaped them, as they fled with increased speed and terror. Edward stood in amazement as the men rushed from his presence. He followed to the gate to recall them ; they were gone ; he could only hear their yells in the distance. The circumstance seemed quite unaccountable ; and as he stood lost in vain surmises as to the cause of the strange occurrence, a low neigh of recog- nition from the horse reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into the barn, where, from the plenty of straw which lay around, he shook down a litter where the maimed animal might rest. He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder at the conduct of those whom he found there, and whom his presence had so suddenly expelled ; and ever as he walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his eye. As a fitful blaze occasionally arose it flashed upon the plate, which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was irresistibly drawn, despite his original impression of horror at the object, to approach and read the inscription. The shield bore the name of " O'Grady," and Edward recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly asked, was he in his waking senses ? He had but an hour ago seen his adversary laid in his grave, yet here was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery ? Was he the sport of a dream, or was there some dreadful curse fallen upon him, that he should be for ever haunted by the victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood be ever upon his track ? He breathed short and hard, and the smoky atmosphere in which he was enveloped rendered respiration still more difficult. As through this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit for the nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the flame, his imagination accumulated horror on horror ; and when the blaze sank, and but the bright red of the fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, as it were, with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind bor- dering on frenzy. It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that the old barn was in flames ; most likely some of the straw near the fire, in the confusion of the breaking up of the party, had been scattered within range of igni- tion, and caused the accident. The flames were seen for miles round 302 HANDY ANDY. the country ; and the shattered walls of the ruined mansion-house were illuminated brightly by the glare of the consuming barn, which, in the morning, added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desolation, and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for many days after. The charred planks of the coffin were dragged from amongst the ruin ; and as the roof in falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall along with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not be distinguished from those of the fallen building, therefore much wonder arose that no ves- tige of the bones of the corse it was supposed to contain could be dis- covered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange fact was promul- gated ; and in the ready credulity of a superstitious people, the terrible belief became general, that his sable majesty had made off with O'Grady and the party watching him ; for as the Dublin bailiffs never stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen again in the country, it was most natural to suppose that the devil had made a haul of them at the same time. In a few days rumour added the spectral appearance of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened its mysterious horror ; and though, after some time, the true story was promulgated by those who knew the real state of the case, yet the truth never gained ground, and was considered but a clever sham, attempted by the family to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their house ; and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief that the devil flew away with O'Grady. Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined house stood, it became more lone and shunned than ever ; and the boldest heart in the whole country side would quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day- time. To such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which encircled it, and belonged to the old usurer who made the seizure, fell into a profitless state, from the impossibility of men being found to work upon it. It was useless even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd cattle upon it ; altogether, it was a serious loss to the money- grubber ; and so far the incident of the burnt barn, and the tradition it gave rise to, acted beneficially, in making the inhuman act of warring with the dead recoil upon the merciless old usurer. HANDY ANDY. 303 CHAPTER XXXVIII. WE left Andy in what may be called a delicate situation, and though Andy's perceptions of the refined were not very acute, he himself began to wonder how he should get out of the dilemma into which circum- stances had thrown him ; and even to his dull comprehension, various terminations to his adventure suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good idea, however, Andy contrived to lay hold of out of the bundle which per- plexed him ; he felt that to gain time would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better ; so he kept up his affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs and lamentations, like so many commas and colons, as it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at her climax of going to bed. Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world for a young woman in distress of mind. Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep when his mind was uneasy. Bridget promised the most sisterly tenderness. Andy answered by a lament for his mother. " Come to bed, I tell you," said Bridget. " Are the sheets aired ?" sobbed Andy. " What !" exclaimed Bridget in amazement. " If you are not sure of the sheets bein' aired," said Andy, " I'd be afeard of catchin' cowld." " Sheets, indeed !" said Bridget, " faith, it's a dainty lady you are, if you can't sleep without sheets." " What !" returned Andy, " no sheets," " Divil a sheet." " Oh, mother, mother," exclaimed Andy, " what would you say to your innocent child being tuk away to a place there was no sheets." " Well ! I never heerd the like," says Bridget. " Oh, the villians ! to bring me where I wouldn't have a bit o* clane linen to lie in." " Sure, there's blankets, I tell you." " Oh, don't talk to me !" roared Andy, " sure, you know, sheets is only dacent" " Bother, girl ! isn't a snug woolly blanket a fine thing ?" 11 Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way," sobbed Andy, " sure, there's wool on any dirty sheep's back, but linen is dacency ! Oh, mother, mother, if you thought your poor girl was without a sheet this night !" And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of " linen manufacture " as long as he could, and raising Bridget's wonder, that instead of the 304 HANDY ANDY, lament which abducted ladies generally raise about their " vartue," that this young woman's principal complaint arose on the scarcity of flax. Bridget appealed to common sense if blankets were not good enough in these bad times ; insisting moreover, that, as " love was warmer than friendship, so wool was warmer than flax," the beauty of which prallel case nevertheless failed to reconcile the disconsolate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his plea of the want of linen as far as he thought it would go, and when Bridget returned to the charge, and reiterated the oft-repeated " Come to bed, I tell you," Andy had recourse to twiddling about his toes, and chattering his teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, " Oh, I've a thrimblin' all over me !" " Loosen the sthrings o' you, then," said Bridget, about to suit the action to the word. " Ow! ow !" cried Andy, " don't touch me I'm ticklish." " Then open the throat o' your gown yourself, dear," said Bridget. " I've a cowld on my chest, and dar'n't," said Andy, " but I think a dhrop of hot punch would do me good, if I had it." "And plenty of it," said Bridget, "if that'll plaze you :" she rose as she spoke, and set about getting ' the materials ' for making punch. Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink Bridget into a state of unconsciousness, and then make his escape ; but he had no notion until he tried, what a capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers of punch steadily ; he proceeded as cunningly as possible, and on the score of " the thrimblin' over him," repeated the doses of punch, which, nevertheless, he protested he couldn't touch, unless Bridget kept him in countenance, glass for glass ; and Bridget genial soul was no way loth ; for living in a still, and among smugglers, as she did, it was not a trifle of stingo could bring her to a halt. Andy, even with the advantage of the stronger organization of a man, found this mountain lass nearly a match for him ; and before the potations operated as he hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influence of the liquor, and his caution became considerably undermined. Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the couch proposed to him, declaring he would sleep in his clothes, and leave to Bridget the full possession of her lair. The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he might facilitate his escape by counterfeiting sleep ; so feigning slumber, as well as he could, he seemed to sink into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself, and retired behind a rough screen. It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake, for his potation, added to his nocturnal excursion, tended towards somnolency ; but the desire of escape, and fear of a discovery and its consequences, prevailed over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained awake, watching every sound. The silence at last became painful, so still was it, that he could hear the small crumbling sound of the dying embers as they decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth, and yet he could not be satisfied from the breathing of the woman that she slept. After the lapse of half an hour, however, he ventured to make some movement. He had well observed the quarter in which the outlet from the cave lay^ and there was still a faint glimmer from the fire to HANDY ANDY. 305 assist him in crawling towards the trap. It was a relief when after some minutes of cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from above, and a moment or two more brought him in contact with the ladder. With the stealth of a cat he began to climb the rungs he could hear the men snoring on the outside of the cave : step by step as he arose he felt his heart beat faster at the thought of escape, and became more cautious. At length his head emerged from the cave, and he saw the men lying about its mouth ; they lay close around it he must step over them to escape the chance is fearful, but he determines to attempt it he ascends still higher his foot is on the last rung of the ladder the next step puts him on the heather when he feels a hand lay hold of him from below ! His heart died within him at the touch, and he could not resist an exclamation. " Who's that !" exclaimed one of the men outside. Andy crouched. " Come down," said the voice softly from below, " if Jack wakes, it will be worse for you." It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was better to be with her than exposed to the savagery of Shan More and his myrmidons ; so he descended quietly, and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, who with many asseverations that " out of her arms she would nol let the prisoner go till morning," led him back to the cave. 306 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XXXIX. " Great wit to madness nearly is allied, And thin partitions do the bounds divide." So sings the poet : but whether the wit he great or little, the " thin partition " separating madness from sanity is equally mysterious. It is true that the excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish between them ; but without the attendant " genius " to hold up the train of madness, and call for our special permission and respect in any of its fantastic excursions, the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to sport in the regions of sanity, and, without the license which genius is supposed to dispense to her children, poach over the preserves of common sense. This is a well known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but that the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter might seem unworthy of belief; and as the veracity of our history we would not have for one moment questioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our readers as to the close neighbourhood which madness and common sense inhabit, before we record a curious instance of intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady. Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock, dragged her from the region of fiction in which she habitually existed ; but, after the funeral, she relapsed into all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition. The old lady had her usual attendance from her granddaughter, and the customary offering of flowers was rendered, but they were not so cared for as before, and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in her place. And, " of all the birds in the air," who should this favourite be but Master Ratty. Yes ! Ratty the caricaturist of his grandmama, was, " for the nonce," her closeted companion. Many a guess was given as to " what in the world " grandmama could want with Ratty ; but the secret was kept between them, for this reason, that the old lady kept the reward she promised Ratty, for preserving it, in her own hands, until the duty she required on his part should be accomplished ; and the shilling a day to which Ratty looked forward kept him faithful. Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was instructing his grandmama how to handle a pistol ; the bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling by " the sight," was explained, but a difficulty arose in the old lady's shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be indis- pensable, and for some time Ratty was obliged to stand on a chair and HANDY ANDY. 307 cover his grandmama's eye with his hand while she took aim ; this was found inconvenient, however, and the old lady substituted a black silk shade, to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exercises, which now advanced to snapping the lock, and knocking sparks from the flint, which made the old lady wink with her right eye. When this second habit was overcome, the "dry" practice, that is, without powder, was given up, and a "flash in the pan" was ventured upon, but this made her shut both eyes together, and it was some time before she could prevail on herself to hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger. This, however, at last was accomplished, and when she had conquered the fear of seeing the flash, she adopted the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned looking-glass, which reached from the ceiling to the floor, and levelling the pistol at her own reflection before it, as if she were engaged in mortal combat, and every time she snapped and burned priming, she would exclaim, " I hit him that time, I know I can kill him tremble, villain !" Now, as long as this pistol practice had the charm of novelty for Ratty, it was all very well ; but when, day by day, the strange mistakes and nervousness of his grandmama became less piquant, from repetition, it was not such good fun ; and when the rantipole boy, after as much time as lie wished to devote to the old woman's caprice, endeavoured to emancipate himself, and was countermanded, an outburst of " Oh, bother ! " would take place, till the grandmother called up the pro- spective shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before the altar of Mammon. But even Mammon failed to keep Ratty loyal ; for that heathen god, Momus, claimed a superior allegiance ; Ratty worshipped the " cap and bells" as the true crown, and " the bauble " as the sovereign sceptre. Besides, the secret became troublesome to him, and he determined to let the whole house know what " gran" and he were about, in a way of his own. The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked up the grandmama to a state of great excitement, urging her to take a cool and determined aim at the looking-glass. " Cover him well, gran," said Ratty. " I will," said the dowager, resolutely. " You ought to be able to hit him at six paces." " I stand at twelve paces." " No you are only six from the looking-glass." " But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the distance." " Bother !" said Ratty. " Here, take the pistol mind your eye, and don't wink." " Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of science.", " What's science ?" said Ratty. " Why, gunpowder, child, for instance, is made by science. " I never saw his name, then, on a canister," said Ratty. Andrew and Wilks, or Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for gun- powder. You know nothing about it, gran." " Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to instruction. I knew Kirwan the great Kirwan, the chemist, who always wore his hat" x 2 308 HANDY ANDY. " Then he knew chemistry better than manners," said Ratty. " Ratty, you are very troublesome. I desire you listen, sir. Kirwan, 8ir, told me all about science ; and the Dublin Society have his picture, with a bottle in his hand " " Then he was fond of drink," said Ratty. " Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was originally say- ing; I repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces from my object ; six from the mirror, which, doubling by reflection, makes twelve ; such is the law of optics. I suppose you know what optics are ?" " To be sure I do." " Tell me, then." " Our eyes," said Ratty. " Eyes! 1 ' exclaimed the old lady, in amaze. " To be sure," answered Ratty, boldly. " Didn't I hear the old blind man at the fair asking charity ' for the loss of his blessed optics ? '" " Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child !" exclaimed the old lady. " Your tutor ought to be ashamed of himself." " So he is," said Ratty. " He hasn't had a pair of new breeches for the last seven years ; and he hides himself whenever he sees mama or the girls." " Oh, you ignorant child ! Indeed, Ratty, my love, you must study. I will give you the renowned Kirwan 's book. Charlotte tore some ofit for curl papers ; but there's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays, and reflection and refraction " " I know what that is," said Ratty. "What?" " Refraction." " And what is it, dear?" " Bad behaviour," said Ratty. " Oh heavens !" exclaimed his grandmother. " Yes it is," said Ratty stoutly; " the tutor says I'm refractory when I behave ill ; and he knows Latin better than you." " Ratty, Ratty ! you are hopeless !" exclaimed his grandmama. " No, I am not," said Ratty ; " I'm always hoping. And I hope Uncle Robert will break his neck some day, and leave us his money." The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed, " You wicked boy !" "Fudge !" said Ratty ; " he's an old shaver, and we want it; and indeed, gran, you ought to give me ten shillings for ten days' teaching, now ; and there's a fair next week, and I want to buy things." " Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the use of my weapon I would pay you. My promise is sacred, and I will observe it with that scrupulous honour which has ever been the characteristic of the family ; as soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mastery over the weapon, the money shall be yours, but not till then." " Oh, very well," said Ratty ; " go on then. Ready don't bring up your arm that way, like the handle of a pump, but raise it nice from the elbow that's it. Ready -fire ! Ah ! there you blink your eye, and drop the point of your pistol try another. Ready fire! That's better. Now steady the next time." HANDY ANDY. 309 The young devil then put a charge of powder and ball into the pistol he handed his grandmother, who took steady aim at her reflection in the mirror, and at the words, " Ready -fire ! " bang went the pistol the magnificent glass was smashed the unexpected recoil of the weapon made it drop from the hand of the dowager, who screamed with astonishment at the report and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mischief she had done ; but when the shattered" mirror caught her eye, she made a rush at Ratty, who was screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room, where he ran when he had achieved his trick ; and he was so helpless from the excess of his cachinnation, that the old lady cuffed him without his being able to defend himself. At last he con- trived to get out of her clutches, and jammed her against the wall with a table, so tightly that she roared " Murder !" The report of the pistol ringing through the house, brought all its inmates to the spot ; and there the cries of murder from the old lady led them to suppose some awful tragedy, instead of a comedy, was enacting inside ; the door was locked, too, which increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of terror from the outside. When the crowd rushed in, Master Ratty rushed out, and left the astonished family to gather up the bits of the story as well as they could, from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager. 310 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XL. THOUGH it is clear the serious events in the O'Grady family had not altered Master Ratty' s propensities in the least, the case was far different with Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which he had passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the man ; and the extra frivolity and carelessness which clung from boyhood up to the age of fifteen, was at once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, thrown off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced. Gustavus was of a generous nature ; and even his faults belonged less to his organization than to the devil-may-care sort of education he received, if education it might be called. Upon his generosity the conduct of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's father had worked strongly ; and though Gustavus could not give his hand beside the grave to the man with whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet he quite exonerated Edward from any blame ; and when, after a night more sleepless than Gustavus had ever known, he rose early on the ensuing morning, he determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house, and breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward had so solemnly promised to him, and with which the boy was pleased ; for Gustavus was quite aware in what estimation Edward was held ; and though the relative circumstances in which he and the late Squire stood prevented the boy from " caring a fig" for him, as he often said himself, yet he was not beyond the influence of that thing called " reputation," which so powerfully attaches to, and elevates the man who wins it ; and the price at which Edward was held in the country, influ- enced opinion even in Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though " against the grain." Gustavus had sometimes heard from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered at for being "cruel wise" and " too much of a schoolmaster" and fit for nothing but books or a boudoir and called " a piano man," with all the rest of the hacknied " dirt " which jealous inferiority loves to fling at the heights it cannot occupy ; for though (as it has been said) Edward, from his manly and sensible bear- ing, had escaped such sneers better than most men, still some few there were to whom his merit was offensive. Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such things, saw with his own eyes that Edward could back a horse with any man in the county. He was always foremost in the chase, could bring down as many brace of birds as most men in a day, had saved one or two persons from drowning ; and if he did all these things as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too idle to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be sneered at for being an accomplished scholar as well. Therefore he had good foundation for being pleased at the proffered friendship of such a man, and remem- HANDY ANDY. 311 bering the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve, Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once, and offer him the hand which a nice sense of feeling made him withhold the night before. Mounting his pony, an hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, for such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence. It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but Edward had not yet left his room, and the servant went to call him. It need scarcely be said that Edward had passed a wretched night ; reaching home, as he did, weary in mind and body, and with feelings and imagination both overwrought, it was long before he could sleep ; and even then his slumber was disturbed by harassing visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes, and things unimaginable to the waking senses, danced, and crawled, and hissed about him. The torch flared above the grave, and that horrid coffin, with the name of the dead O'Grady upon it, " murdered sleep." It was dawn before anything like refreshing slumber touched his feverish eyelids ; and he had not enjoyed more than a couple of hours of what might be called sleep, when the servant called, him ; and then, after the brief oblivion he had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the first words he heard on waking were, " Mister O'Grady is below, sir." Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on the man, as he exclaimed, with a look of alarm, " O'Grady ! For God's sake, you don't say O'Grady ?" " Tis Mister Gustavus, sir," said the man, wondering at the wildness of Edward's manner. " Oh the boy ! ay, ay the boy !" repeated Edward, drawing his hands across his eyes, and recovering his self-possession. " Say I will be down presently." The man retired, and Edward laid down again for some minutes to calm the heavy beating of his heart, which the sudden mention of that name had produced ; that name so linked with the mental agony of the past night ; that name which had conjured up a waking horror of such might as to shake the sway of reason for a time, and which afterwards pursued its reign of terror through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor Edward doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the first thing in the morning nay, awakened, one may say, by the very sound, and it cannot be wondered at that he was startled. A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-possession ; and he arose, and, making his toilet in haste, descended to the breakfast parlour, where he was met by Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped with fervour, and held for some time as he looked on the handsome face of the boy, and saw in its frank expression all that his heart could desire. They spoke not a word, but they understood one another ; and that moment commenced an attachment which increased with increasing intimacy, and became one of those steadfast friendships which are seldom met with. After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his " den," as he called a room which was appropriated to his own particular use, occupied with books and a small collection of national relics. Some long ranges of that peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once the 312 HANDY ANDY. contents to be law ; and by the dry formal cut of the exterior, gave little invitation to reading. The very outside of a law library is repul- sive ; the continuity of that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by anticipation, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair, " Heavens ! how can any one hope to get all that into his head ?" The only plain honest thing about law, is the outside of the books where it is laid down there all is simple ; inside all is complex. The interlacing lines of the binder's patterns find no place on the covers ; but intricacies abound inside, where any line is easier found than a straight one. Nor gold leaf nor tool is employed without, but within how many fallacies are enveloped in glozing words; the gold leaf has its representative in "legal fiction ;" and as for " tooling " there's plenty of that ! Other books, also, bore external evidence of the nature of their con- tents. Some old parchment covers indicated the lore of past ages ; amidst these the brightest names of Greece and Rome were to be found, as well as those who have adorned our own literature, and implied a cul- tivated taste on the part of the owner. But one portion of the library was particularly well stored. The works bearing on Irish history were numerous ; and this might well account for the ardour of Edward's feelings in the cause of his country ; for it is as impossible that a river should run backwards to its source, as that any Irishman, of a generous nature, can become acquainted with the real history of his country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and neglected land, and not struggle in the cause of her being righted. Much has been done in the cause since the days of which this story treats, and Edward was amongst those who helped to achieve it ; but much has still to be done, and there is glorious work in store for present and future Edward O'Connors. Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ireland, the mute evidences, also, of her former glory and civilization were scattered through the room. Various ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the purest gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece ; some, from their form, indicating their use, and others only affording matter of ingenious speculation to the antiquary, but all bearing evidence of early civilization. The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and the long and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly enchased knob or pendant crescent, implied the robe it once fastened could have been of no mean texture, and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were there, too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought in that ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that it carries effective edge and point ; the sword was of exact Phoenician mould ; the double- eyed spear-head, formed at once for strength and lightness, might have served as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand of Minerva. Could these be the work of an uncultivated people ? Impossible ! The harp, too, was there, that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The bard and barbarism could never be coeval. But beyond all these, was a relic exciting deeper interest it was an ancient crosier, of curious workman- ship, wrought in the precious metals, and partly studded with jewels ; but few of the latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had ouci. been costly in such ornaments. Could this be seen without remem- bering that the light of Christianity first dawned over the western HANDY ANDY. 313 isles in Ireland! that there the gospel was first preached, there the work of salvation begun ! There be cold hearts to which these touching recollections do not pertain, and they heed them not ; and some there are, who, with the callousness which forbids the sensibility, possess the stupid effrontery to ask, " Of what use are such recollections ?" With such frigid utilitarians it would be in vain to argue ; but this question, at least, may be put in return : Why should the ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large portion of the academic studies of our youth ? why should the evidences of their arts and their arms be held precious in museums, and similar evidences of ancient cultivation be despised because they pertain to another nation ? Is it because they are Irish they are held in con- tempt ? Alas ! in many cases it is so ay, and even (shame to say) within her own shores. But never may that day arrive when Ireland shall be without enough of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of her ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences of her earliest western civilization, proving that their forefathers were not, as those say who wronged and therefore would malign them, a rabble of rude barbarians, but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise lawgivers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste and lovely women, were among them, and that inspired bards were there to per- petuate such memories ! Gustavus had never before seen a crosier, and asked what it was. On being informed of its name he then said " But what is a crosier ?" " A bishop's pastoral staff," said Edward. " And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and spears, hung up together ?" " That is not inappropriate," said Edward. " Unfortunately, the sword and the crosier have been frequently but too intimate companions. Preaching the word of peace has been too often the pretext for war. The Spaniards, for instance, in the name of the gospel, committed the most fearful atrocities." "Oh, I know," said Gustavus, "that was in the time of bloody Mary and the Armada." Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw, in an instant, the source of his false application of his allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had been taught to vaguely couple the name of " bloody Mary" with every thing bad, and that of " good Queen Bess," with all that was glo- rious ; and the word " Spanish," in poor Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with two ideas, namely, "liquorice" and the " Armada." Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of ignorant youth, gently set him right, and made him aware he had alluded to the conduct of the Spaniards in America, under Cortes and Pizarro. For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that Pizarro was a real character. He had heard his grandmama speak of a play of that name, and how great Mr. Kemble was in Rolla, and how he saved a child ; but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light the utmost Gusty knew about America being that it was discovered by Columbus. 311 HANDY A1SDY. " But the crosier," said Edward, " is amongst the most interesting of Irish antiquities, and especially belongs to an Irish collection, when you remember the earliest preaching of Christianity, in the western isles, was in Ireland." " I did not know that," said the boy. " Then you don't know why the shamrock is our national emblem ?" " No," said Gustavus, " though I take care to mount one in my hat every Patrick's day." " Well," said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus credit for any know- ledge he possessed, " you know at least it is connected with the memory of St. Patrick, though you don't know why. I will tell you. When St. Patrick first preached the Christian faith in Ireland, before a powerful chief and his people, when he spoke of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief asked how one could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempting a theological definition of the faith, thought a simple image would best serve to enlighten a simple people, and stooping to the earth he plucked from the green sod a shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them, he bid them there behold one in three. The chief, struck by the illus- tration, asked at once to be baptized, and all his sept followed his example." " I never heard that before," said Gusty. " 'Tis very beautiful." " I will tell you something else connected with it," said Edward. " After baptizing the chief, St. Patrick made an eloquent exhortation to the assembled multitude, and in the course of his address, while enforcing his urgent appeal with appropriate gesture, as the hand which held his crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended again towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed with metal, was driven through the foot of the chief, who, fancying it was part of the ceremony, and but a necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, ne*ver winced." " He was a fine fellow," said Gusty. " And is that the crosier ?" he added, alluding to the one in Edward's collection, and manifestly excited by what he had heard. "No," said Edward, "but one of early date, and belonging to some of the first preachers of the gospel amongst us." " And have you other things here with such beautiful stories belong- ing to them ?" inquired Gusty, eager for more of that romantic lore which youth loves so passionately. " Not that I know of," answered Edward. " But if these objects here had only tongues ; if every sword, and celt, and spear-head, and golden bodkin, and other trinket could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring stories of gallant warriors and their ladye loves." " Ay, that would be something to hear !" exclaimed Gusty. " Well," said Edward, " you may have many such stories by reading the history of your country ; which, if you have not read, I can lend you books enough." " Oh, thank you !" said Gusty ; " I should like it so much." Edward approached the book-shelf, and selected a volume he thought the most likely to interest so little practised a reader ; and when he turned round he saw Gusty poising in his hand an antique Irish sword, of bronze. " Do you know what that is ?" inquired Edward. HANDY ANDY. 315 " I can't tell you the name of it," answered Gusty, " but I suppose it \vas something to stick a fellow." Edward smiled at the characteristic reply, and told him it was an antique Irish sword. ' A sword !" he exclaimed. " Isn't it short for a sword ?" ' All the swords of that day were short," said Edward. 1 When was that ?" inquired the boy. ' Somewhere about two thousand years ago," said Edward. 1 Two thousand years !" exclaimed Gusty, in surprise. " How is it possible you can tell this is two thousand years old ?" " Because it is made of the same metal, and of the same shape, as the swords found at Cannae, where the Carthaginians fought the Romans." " I know the Roman history," said Gusty, eager to display his little bit of knowledge ; " I know the Roman history. Romulus and Remus were educated by a wolf." Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon suppressed, and con- tinued, " Such swords as you now hold in your hand are found in quan- tities in Ireland, and never any where else in Europe, except in Italy, particularly at Canna?, where some thousands of Carthaginians fell ; and when we find the sword of the same make and metal in places so remote, it establishes a strong connecting link between the people of Carthage and of Ireland, and at once shows their date." " How curious that is !" exclaimed Gusty ; " and how odd, I never heard it before ! Are there many such curious things you know ?" " Many," said Edward. " I wonder how people can find out such odd things," said the boy. " My dear boy," said Edward, " after getting a certain amount of knowledge, other knowledge comes very fast ; it gathers like a snow- ball, or perhaps it would be better to illustrate the fact by a mill-dam. You know, when the water is low in the mill-dam, the miller cannot drive his wheel ; but the moment the water comes up to a certain level, it has force to work the mill ; and so it is with knowledge ; when once you get it up to a certain level, you can ' work your mill,' with this great advantage over the mill-dam, that the stream of knowledge, once reaching the working level, never runs dry." " Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do !" exclaimed Gusty. " And so you can, if you wish it," said Edward. Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very idle. Edward told him he had plenty of time before him to repair the damage. A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the part of the boy, and kind on Edward's side to all his deficiencies, which he found to be lamentable, as far as learning went. He had some small smattering of Latin ; but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and his studies for the future. Edward, however, knowing what a miserable scholar the tutor himself was, offered to put Gustavus through his Latin and Greek himself. Gustavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over everyday to Mount Eskarfor his lesson ; and, under the intelligent explanations of Edward, the difficulties which had hitherto discouraged him disappeared, and it was surprising what progress he made. At the 316 HANDY ANDY. same time, he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinctured with that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to his country which he found in his teacher ; and Edward soon hailed in the ardent neophyte a noble and intelligent spirit, redeemed from ignorance, and rendered capable of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely from field sports. Edward, however, did not confine his instructions to book- learning only ; there is much to be learned by living with the educated, whose current conversation alone is instructive ; and Edward had Gus- tavus with him as constantly as he could ; and after some time, when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount Eskar ceased to excite any wonder at home, he sometimes spent several days together with Edward, to whom he became continually more and more attached. Edward showed great judgment in making his training attractive to his pupil ; he did not attend merely to his head ; he thought of other things as well, and joined him in the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those in which he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance, was one of these ; Edward was a tolerable master of his foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his tuition, could parry a thrust, and make no bad attempt at a hit himself. His improvement, in every way, was so remarkable, that it was noticed by all, and its cause did not long remain secret ; and when it was known, Edward O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the whole country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady that he found such a friend. As the limits of our tale would not permit the intercourse between Edward and Gustavus to be treated in detail, this general sketch of it has been given ; and in stating its consequences so far, a peep into the future has been granted by the author, with a benevolence seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty tribe, who endeavour to hood- wink their docile patrons as much as possible, and keep them in a state of ignorance as to coming events. But now, having been so indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of our readers, and pull them back again down the ladder into the private still, where Bridget pulled back Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results of which we must treat of in our next chapter HANDY ANDY. 317 CHAPTER XLI. WHEN Bridget dragged Andy back, and insisted on his going to bed No I will not be too goodnatured, and tell my story that way ; besides, it would be a very difficult matter to tell it ; and why should an author, merely to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick and choose words properly to tell his story, yet at the same time to lead his readers through the mazes of this very ticklish adventure, without a single thorn scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as making the smallest rent in the white muslin robe of propriety ? So, not to run unnecessary risks, the story must go on another way. When Shan More and the rest of the " big blackguards " began to wake, the morning after the abduction, and gave a turn or two under their heather coverlid, and rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the " curtains of the east," for these were the only bed-curtains Shan More and his companions ever had, they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt very thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night before, be it remembered ; and Shan swore, to use his own expressive and poetic imagery, that his tongue was " as rough as a rat's back," while his companions went no farther than saying theirs were as " dry as a lime-burner's wig." We should not be so particular in these minute details, but for that desire of truth which has guided us all through this veracious history ; and as in this scene, in particular, we feel ourselves sure to be held seriously responsible for every word, we are determined to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable with stenographic strictness. " Where's the girl ?" cried Shan, not yet sober. " She's asleep with your sisther," was the answer. " Down stairs ?" inquired Shan. " Yes," said the other, who now knew Big Jack was more drunk than he at first thought him, by his using the word stairs ; for Jack when he was drunk was very grand, and called down the ladder, " down stairs." " Get me a drink o'wather," said Jack, " for I'm thundherin' thirsty, and can't deludher that girl with the soft words, till I wet my mouth." His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large pitcher full or water was handed to the master, who heaved it upwards to his head, 318 HANDY ANDY. and drank as audibly and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his hands to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher, which his followers poured into his monstrous palms, he soused his face, which he afterwards wiped in a wisp of grass, which was the only towel of Jack's which was not then at the wash. Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went down stairs, and as soon as his great bull-head disappeared beneath the trap, one of the men above said, " We'll have a shilloo soon, boys." And sure enough they did, after some time, hear an extraordinary row. Jack first roared for Bridget, and no answer was returned ; the call was repeated with as little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was heard above but not from a female voice. Jack was heard below, swear- ing like a trooper, and in a minute or too, back he rushed " up stairs " again, and began cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the mouth with rage. " What's the matther ?" cried the men. " Matther !" roared Jack ; " oh, you 'tarnal villians ! You're a purty set to carry off a girl for a man a purty job you've made ofit!" " Arrah, didn't we bring her to you ?" " Her, indeed bring her much good what you brought is to me !" " Tare an 'ouns ! what's the matther at all ? We dunna what you mane !" shouted the men, returning rage for rage. " Come down, and you'll see what's the matther," said Jack, descend- ing the ladder ; and the men hastened after him. He led the way to the farther end of the cavern, where a small glimmering of light was permitted to enter from the top, and lifting a tattered piece of canvass, which served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed with a curse, "Look there, you blackguards !" The men gave a shout of surprise, for what do you think they saw? An empty bed ! HANDY ANDY. 819 CHAPTER XLII. IT may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recommendation, Andy was to be removed out of the country, to place him beyond the reach of Larry Hogan's machinations, and that the proposed journey to London afforded a good opportunity of taking him out of the way. Andy had been desired by Squire Egan to repair to Merryvale ; but as some days had elapsed, and Andy had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire that Andy might be tampered with, began to revive, and Dick Dawson was therefore requested to call at the "Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from the town, where some business with Murphy, about the petition against Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence. Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the widow's, for, on his way to the town, who should he see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. On coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy pulled off his hat. " God save your honour," said Andy " Why didn't you come to Merryvale, as you were bid ?" said Dick. " I couldn't, sir, bekase " " Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never can do what you're bid you are always wrong one way or other." " You're hard on me, Misther Dick." " Did you ever do any thing right ? T ask yourself!" " Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I had to do." " And well you did it, no doubt. Did you marry any one lately ?" said Dick, with a waggish grin, and a wink. " Faix, then, maybe I did," said Andy, with a knowing nod. " And I hope Matty is well ?" said Dick. *' Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with your jokin , so you are. So you heerd o' that job, did you ? faix, a purty lady she is oh, it's not her at all I am married to, but another woman." " Another woman !" exclaimed Dick, in surprise. " Yis, sir, another woman a kind craythur." " Another woman !" reiterated Dick, laughing, " married to two women in two days ! why you're worse than a Turk !" "Ah, Misther Dick!" "YouTarquin!" " Sure, sir, what harm's in it?" " You Heliogabalus ! !" " Sure, it's no fault o' mine, sir." " Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy ! You'll only be hanged, as sure as your name's Andy." 320 HANDY ANDY. " Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you'll see I am quit of all harm, good or bad. 'Twas a pack o' blackguards, you see, came to take off Oonah, sir." "Oh, a case of abduction !" " Yis, sir ; so the women dhressed me up as a girl, and the black- guards, instead of the seduction of Oonah, only seduced me." " Capital !" cried Dick ; " well done, Andy ! and who seduced you ?* " Shan More, faith no less." " Ho, ho ! a dangerous customer to play tricks on, Andy." " Sure enough, faith, and that's partly the rayson of what happened ; but by good luck, Big Jack was blind dhrunk when I got there, and I shammed screechin' so well, that his sisther took pity on me, and said she'd keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night." Dick gave " a view halloo," when he heard this, and shouted with laughter, delighted at the thought of Shan More, instead of carrying off a gkl for himself, introducing a gallant to his own sister. "Oh, now I see how you are married," said Dick ; " that was the biter bit, indeed." " Oh, the divil a bit I'd ha' bit her, only for the cross luck with me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the place, and escape ; but she wouldn't let me, and cotch me and brought me back." " I should think she would indeed," said Dick, laughing. " What next ?" " Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my guard, you see, and couldn't keep the saycret so well afther that, and by dad she found it out." " Just what I would expect of her," said Dick. " Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen her own brother, she laughed at it a power, and said I was a great divil, but that she couldn't blame me. So then I sthruv to coax her to let me make my escape, but she towld me to wait a bit till the men above was faster asleep ; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep, faix, I went to sleep myself, I was so tired ; and when Bridget, the craythur, woke me in the morning, she was cryin' like a spout afther a thundher shower, and said her characther would be ruined when the story got abroad over the counthry, and sure she darn't face the world, if I wouldn't make her an honest woman." " The brazen baggage !" said Dick ; " and what did you say ?" " Why what could any man say, sir, afther that. Sure, her karacther would be gone if " " Gone," said Dick "faith it might have gone farther before it fared worse." " Arrah ! what do you mane, Misther Dick ?" " Pooh, pooh ! Andy you don't mean to say you married that one ?" " Faix, I did," said Andy. "Well, Andy," said Dick, grinning, "by the powers, you have done it this time ! good morning to you ;" and Dick put spurs to his horse, HANDY ANDY. 321 CHAPTER XLIII. ANDY, (< knocked all of a heap," stood in the middle of the road, looking after Dick as he cantered down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was angry but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him as Dick's parting words still rung in his ears. " What does he mane ? " said Andy, talking aloud; "What does he mane?" he repeated; anxious to doubt, and therefore question the obvious construction which Dick's words bore. " Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe this is one of his making, but if it is, 'tis not a fair one, 'pon my sowl : a poor man has his feelins as well as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you ride your horse there humph ?" Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards his mother's cabin, to ask her blessing upon his marriage. On his presenting himself there, both the old woman and Oonah were in great delight at witness- ing his safe return. Oonah particularly, for she, feeling that it was for her sake Andy placed himself in danger, had been in a stale of great anxiety for the result of the adventure, and on seeing him, absolutely threw herself into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impressing many a hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles that she vowed she would never forget his generosity and courage ; and ending with saying there was nothing she would not do for him. Now Andy was flesh and blood, like other people, and as the showers of kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast upon him, he was not insen- sible to the embrace of so very pretty a girl a girl, moreover, he had always had a "sneaking kindness" for, which Oonah's distance of manner alone had hitherto made him keep to himself ; but now, when he saw her eyes beam gratitude, and her cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of regard, and heard her last words, so very like a hint to a shy man, it must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's heart, and he sickened at the thought of being married, which placed the tempting prize before him hopelessly beyond his reach. He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return Oonah's fond greeting, that she felt the pique which every pretty woman experiences who fancies her favours disregarded, and thought Andy was the stupidest lout she ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had fallen down in the excess of her friendship, she walked out of the cot- tage, and, biting her disdainful lip, fairly cried for spite. In the meantime Andy popped down on his knees before the widow, and said, " Give me your blessing, mother!" Y 322 HANDY ANDY. " For what, you omadhawn ?" said his mother fiercely, for her woman's nature took part with Oonah's feelings, which she quite comprehended, and she was vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensibility. " For what should I give you my blessin' ?" " Bekase I'm marri'd, ma'am." " What !" exclaimed the mother. " It's not marri'd again you are ? You're jokin', sure." " Faix, it's no joke," said Andy, sadly ; " I'm marri'd, sure enough ; so give us your blessin' any how," cried he, still kneeling. " And who did you dar for to marry, sir, if I may make so bowld to ax, without my lave or license ?" " There was no time for axin', mother, 'twas done in a hurry, and I can't help it, so give us your blessin' at oncet," " Tell me who she is, before I give you my blessin'." " Shan More's sisther, ma'am." " What!" exclaimed the widow, staggering back some paces, " Shan More's sisther, did you say ? Bridget rhua,* is it?" " Yis, ma'am." " Oh, wirrasthru ! phillilew ! millia murther !" shouted the mother, tearing her cap off her head, " Oh, blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, Pether an' Paul the 'possle. what'U T do ? Oh. Datther an' ave you dirty bosthoon blessed angels *ia noly marihyrs ; kneelin' there in the middle o' the flure as if nothing happened, look down on me this day, a poor vartuous dissolute woman ! Oh, you disgrace to me and all belongin' to you, and is it the impidence to ask for my blessin' you have, when it's whippin' at the cart's tail you ought to get, you shame- less scapegrace !" She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them upwards in appeals to Heaven, while Andy still kept kneeling in the middle of the cabin, lost in wonder. The widow ran to the door, and called Oonah in. " Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to ?" said the widow. " Married !" exclaimed Oonah, growing pale. " Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think ? why, to Bridget rhua." Oonah screamed, and clasped her hands. Andy got up at last, and asked what they were making such a rout about ; he wasn't the first man who married without asking his mother's leave ; and wanted to know what they had to " say agen it." " Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world !" cried the widow, " to ax sitch a question, to marry a thrampin' sthreel like that, a great red- headed Jack " " She can't help her hair," said Andy. " I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with it, the sthrap ! Oh, blessed Vargin, to have my daughter-in-law a " " What ?" said Andy, getting rather alarmed. " That the whole county knows is " " What ?" cried Andy. " Not a fair nor a market-town doesn't know her as well as Oh, wirra! wirra!" * Red-haired Bridget. HANDY ANDY. 323 " Why, you don't mane to say anything agen her charakther, do you ?" said Andy. " Charakther, indeed !" said his mother, with a sneer. " By this an' that," said Andy, " if she was the child unborn she couldn't make a greater hullabaloo about her charakther than she did the mornin' afther." " Afther what ?" said his mother. " Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and found her there, and but I b'lieve I didn't tell you how it happened." " No," said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and listening anxiously, with a look of deep pity in her soft eyes. Andy then related his adventure as the reader already knows it ; and when it was ended, Oonah burst into tears, and in passionate exclamations blamed herself for all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour to save her that Andy had lost himself. " Oh, Oonah ! Oonah !" said Andy, with more meaning in his voice than the girl had ever heard before, " it isn't the loss of myself I mind, but I've lost you too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or look before this day, 'twould never have happened, and that desaiver in the hills never could have deludhered me. And tell me, lanna machree, is my suspicions right in what I hear, tell me the worst at oncet, is she non compos ?" " Oh, I never heerd her called by that name before," sobbed Oonah, " but she has a great many others just as bad." " Ow ! ow ! ow !" exclaimed Andy. " Now I know what Mr. Dick laughed at, well, death before dishonour, I'll go 'list for a soier, and never live with her." Y 'i 324 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XL1V. IT has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice the strange freaks madness will sometimes play. It was then the object to show how strong affections of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true balance ; but the action of the counterpoise growing weaker by time, the disease returns, and reason again kicks the beam. Such was the old dowager's case : the death of her son recalled her to her- self ; but a few days produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Nevertheless, as Polonius remarks of Hamlet, " There is method in his madness," so in the dowager's case there was method not of a sane intention, as the old courtier implies of the Danish prince, but of insane birth begot of a chivalrous feeling on an enfeebled mind. To make this clearly understood, it is necessary to call attention to one other peculiarity of madness ; that, while it makes those under its influence liable to say and enact all soits of nonsense on some subjects, it never impairs their powers of observation on those which chance to come within the reach of the undiseased portion of the mind ; and moreover, they are quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions upon what they so see and hear as the most reasonable person, and, perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is limited within a smaller compass, so the capability of observation becomes stronger by being concentrated. Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while Furlong was " doing devotion" to Augusta, and appeared the pink of .faithful swains, saw very clearly that Furlong did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his bargain. Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same plane with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even from the toppling height of her own mad chimney-pot, could look down and see that Furlong would not marry Augusta if he could help it. It was even so. Furlong had acted under the influence of terror when poor Augusta, shoved into his bed-room through the devilment of that rascally imp Ratty, and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, was flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted as his wife. The immediate hurry of the election had delayed the marriage the duel and its consequences further interrupted " the happy event" and O'Grady's death caused a further postponement. It was delicately hinted to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far as to the wedding-dresses being ready, that the sooner the con- tracting parties under such circumstances were married, the better. HANDY ANDY. 325 But Furlong, with that affectation of propriety which belongs to his time-serving tribe, pleaded the " regard to appearances," " so soon after the ever-to-be-deplored event," and other such specious excuses, which were but covers to his own rascality, and used but to postpone the " wedding-day." The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had resolved never to make so bad a match as that with Augusta appeared to be, indeed, manifestly was, as far as regarded money ; though Furlong should only have been too glad to be permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of a man of high family, whose crippled circumstances and consequent truckling conduct had reduced him to the wretched necessity of making such a cur as Furlong the inmate of his house. But so it was. The family began at last to suspect the real state of the case, and all were surprised except the old dowager : she had expected what was coming, and had prepared herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view to call Furlong to the " last arbitrement" for this slight to her house. Gusty was too young, she considered, for the duty ; therefore, she, in her fantastic way of looking at the matter, looked upon herself as the head of the family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront put upon it. But of her real design, the family at Neck-or-Nothing Hall had not the remotest notion. Of course, an old lady going about with a pistol, powder-flask, and bullets, and practising on the trunks of the trees in the park, could not pass without observation, and surmises there were on the subject ; then her occasional exclamation of " tremble, villain !" would escape her ; and sometimes in the family circle, after sitting for a while in a state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand, armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and, assuming the action of poising a pistol, execute a smart click with her tongue, and say, " I hit him that time." These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were supposed at length by the family to apply to Edward O'Connor, but excited pity rather than alarm. When, however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared, an inquiry was instituted as to the old lady's whereabouts, and Mount Eskar was one of the first places where she was sought, but without success ; and all other inquiries were equally unavailing. The old lady had contrived, with that cunning peculiar to insane people, to get away from the house at an early hour in the morning, unknown to all except Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he managed to get her out of the domain unobserved, and thence together they proceeded to Dublin in a post-chaise. It was the day after this secret expedition was undertaken, that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apartment at the castle, doing " the state some service," by reading the morning papers, which heavy official duty he relieved occasionally by turning to some scented notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence they had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his vanity. He had been carrying on a correspondence with an anonymous fair one, in whose 326 HANDY ANDY. heart, if her words might be believed, Furlong had made desperate navoc. It happened, however, that these notes were all fictitious, being the work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed playing on a puppy as much as playing on the organ ; and he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a flower of Tom's choice, and going through other antics which Tom had demanded under the signature of " Phillis," written in a delicate hand, on pink satin note-paper, with a lace border : one of the last notes suggested the possibility of a visit from the lady, and after assurances of " secrecy and honour" had been returned by Furlong, he was anxiously expecting " what would come of it," and, filled with pleasing reflections of what " a devil of a fellow " he was among the ladies, he occasionally paced the room before a handsome dressing- glass, (with which his apartment was always furnished,) and ran his fingers through his curls with a complacent smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of mind, the hall messenger entered the apartment, and said a lady wished to see him. " A lady ! " exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise. " She won't give her name, sir, but " " Show her up ! show her up !" exclaimed the Lothario, eagerly. All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna, and quite a donna she seemed, as a commanding figure, dressed in black, and enveloped in a rich veil of the same, glided into the room. " How vewy Spanish ! " exclaimed Furlong, as he advanced to meet his incognita, who, as soon as she entered, locked the door, and withdrew the key. " Quite pwactised in such secwet affairs," said Furlong, slily. " Fai' lady, allow me to touch you' fai' hand, and lead you to a seat" The mysterious stranger made no answer, but lifting her long veil, turned round on the lisping dandy, who staggered back to the table, on which he leaned for support, when the dowager O'Grady appeared before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up towards him, something in the style of a spectre in a romance, which she was not very unlike, and as she advanced, he retreated, until he got the table between him and this most unwelcome apparition. " I am come," said the dowager, with an ominous tone of voice. " Vewy happy of the honou', I am sure, Mistwess O'Gwady," faltered Furlong. " The avenger has come." Furlong opened his eyes. " I have come to wash the stain ! " said she, tapping her fingers in a theatrical manner on the table, and, as it happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever, and thought this the queerest bit of madness he ever heard of ; however, thinking it best to humour her, he answered, " Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine I upset the inkstand the othe* day." HANDY ANDY. 327 " Do you mock me, sir ?" said she, with increasing bitterness. " La, no ! Mistwess O'Gwady." " I have come, I say, to wash out the stain you have dared to put on the name of O'Grady, in your blood." Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear. " Tremble, villain ! " she said ; and she pointed toward him her long attenuated finger with portentous solemnity. " I weally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to compwehend " Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had drawn from the depths of her side pockets a brace of pistols, and presenting them to Furlong, said, " Be at a loss no longer except the loss of life which may ensue ; take your choice of weapons, sir." " Gwacious Heaven ! " exclaimed Furlong, trembling from head to foot. " You won't choose, then ?" said the dowager. " Well, there's one for you ;" and she laid a pistol before him with as courteous a manner as if she were making him a birthday present. Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror. " Now we must toss for choice of ground," said the dowager. " I have no money about me, for I paid my last half-crown to the post-boy, but this will do as well for a toss as anything else ;" and she laid her hands on the dressing-glass as she spoke. " Now the call shall be ' safe ' or ' smash ;' whoever calls ' safe/ if the glass comes down unbroken, has the choice, and vice versa. I call first ' Smash"' said the dowager, as she flung up the dressing- glass, which fell in shivers on the floor. " I have won," said she; " oblige me, sir, by standing in that far corner. 1 have the light in my back, and you will have something else in yours before long ; take your ground, sir." Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad woman, in an agony of terror suddenly bethought him of instances he had heard of escape, under similar circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager, that he hoped she would not insist on a duel without their having " a friend" present. " I beg your pardon, sir," said the old lady; " I quite forgot that form, in the excitement of the moment, though I have not overlooked the necessity altogether, and have come provided with one." " Allow me to wing for him," said Furlong, rushing to the bell. " Stop ! " exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol at the bell- pull ; " touch it, and you are a dead man." Furlong stood rivetted to the spot where his rush had been arrested. " No interruption, sir, till this little affair is settled. Here is my friend," she added, putting her hand into her pocket and pulling out the wooden cuckoo of her clock ; " my little bird, sir, will see all fair between us ;" and she perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the morocco letter-case. " Oh Lord ! " said Furlong. 328 HANDY ANDY. "He's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir;" said the dowager, pacing back to the window. Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back being turned, and rushed at the bell, which he pulled with great fury. The dowager wheeled round with haste, "So you have rung," said she, " but it shall not avail you, the door is locked ; take your weapon, sir quick ! what ! a coward ! " " Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of deadly a'bitwetment with a lady." " Less would you like it with a man, poltron ! " said she, with an exaggerated expression of contempt in her manner. " However," she added, " if you are a coward, you shall have a coward's punishment." She went to a corner where stood a great variety of very handsome canes, and laying hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong, who feared to make any resistance, or attempt to disarm her of the cane, for the pistol was yet in her other hand. The bell was answered by the servant, who, on finding the door locked, and hearing the row inside, began to knock and inquire loudly what was the matter. The question was more loudly answered by Furlong, who roared out, " Bweak the door ! bweak the door ! " interlarding his directions with cries of "mu'der ! " The door at length was forced, Furlong rescued, and the old lady separated from him. She became perfectly calm the moment other persons appeared, and was replacing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong requested the " dweadful weapons " might be seized. The old lady gave up the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her bird and put it back into her pocket. " This is a dweadful violation ! " said Furlong, " and my life is not safe unless she is bound ove' to keep the peace." " Pooh ! pooh ! " said one of the gentlemen from the adjacent office, who came to the scene on hearing the uproar, " binding over an old lady to keep the peace nonsense ! " " I insist upon it," said Furlong, with that stubbornness for which fools are so remarkable. " Oh very well ! " said the sensible gentleman, who left the room. A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, proceeded to the head police-office, close by the Castle, and a large mob gathered as they went down Cork-hill, and followed them to Exchange- court, where they crowded before them in front of the office, so that it was with difficulty the principals could make their way through the dense mass. At length, however, they entered the office ; and when Major Sin heard any gentleman attached to the Government wanted his assist- ance, of course he put any other case aside, and had the accuser and accused called up before him. Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with intent to murder, &c. &c. " Some mad old rebel, I suppose," said Major Sin. " Do you remember '98, ma'am ?" said the major. HANDY ANDY. 329 " Indeed, I do, sir. and I remember you, too. Major Sin I have the honour to address, if I don't mistake." ; ' Yes, ma'am. What then ? " " I remember well in '98, when you were searching for rebels, you thought a man was concealed in a dairy yard, in the neighbourhood of my mother's house, major, in Stephen's Green ; and you thought he was hid in a hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of a spit from my mother's kitchen, to probe the haystack." " Oh ! then, madam, your mother was loyal, I suppose.'' " Most loyal, sir." " Give the lady a chair," said the major. " Thank you, I don't want it but, major when you asked for the spit, my mother thought you were going to practice one of your delightfully ingenious bits of punishment, and asked the sergeant Whom you were going to roast ? " The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at this awkward reminiscence of one of his friends, and a dead silence reigned through the crowded office. He recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. O'Grady in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security to keep the peace, herself and find friends as sureties. On asking her had she any friend to appear for her, she declared she had. " A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir," said the dowager, pulling her cuckoo from her pocket, and holding it up in view of the whole office. A shout of laughter, of course, followed. The affair became at once understood in its true light ; a mad old lady a paltry coward &c. &c. Those who know the excitability and fun of an Irish mob, will not wonder, that, when the story got circulated from the office to the crowd without, which it did with lightning rapidity, that the old lady, on being placed in a hackney-coach which was sent for, was hai'ed with a chorus of " Cuckoo ! " by the multitude, one half of which ran after the coach as long as they could keep pace with it, shouting forth the spring-time call, and the other half followed Furlong to the Castle, with hisses and other more articulate demonstrations of their contempt. 330 HANDY ANDY. CHAPTER XLV. THE fat and fair widow Flanagan had, at length, given up shilly shallying, and, yielding to the fervent entreaties of Tom Durfy, had consented to name the happy day. She, however, would have some little ways of her own about it, and instead of being married in the country, insisted on the nuptial knot being tied in Dublin. Thither the widow repaired with her swain to complete the stipulated time of residence within some metropolitan parish, before the wedding could take place. In the meanwhile they enjoyed all the gaiety the capital presented, the time glided swiftly by, and Tom was within a day of being made a happy man, when, as he was hastening to the lodgings of the fair widow, who was waiting with her bonnet and shawl on, to be escorted to the botanical gardens of Glasnevin, he was accosted by an odd-looking person of somewhat sinister aspect. " I believe I have the honour of addressing Mister Durfy, sir." Tom answered in the affirmative. " Thomas Durfy, Esquire, I think, sir?" " Yes." " This is for you, sir," he said, handing Tom a piece of dirty printed paper, and at the same time laying his hand on Tom's shoulder, and executing a smirking sort of grin, which he meant to be the pattern of politeness, added " You'll excuse me, sir, but I arrest you under a warrant from the high sheriff of the city of Dublin always sorry, sir, for a gintleman in defficulties, but it's my duty." " You're a bailiff, then?" said Tom. " Sir," said the bum, ' Honour and shame from no condition rise ; Act well your part there all the honour lies.' " " I meant no offence," said Tom. " I only meant " I understand, sir I understand. These little defficulties startles gintlemen at first you've not been used to arrest, I see, sir." " Never in my life did such a thing happen before," said Tom. " I live generally, thank God, where a bailiff daren't show his face." " Ah, sir," said the bailiff, with a grin, " them rustic habits betrays the children of nature often when they come to town ; but we are so fisticated here in the metropolis, that we lay our hands on strangers aisy. But you'd better not stand in the street, sir, or people will under- stand it's an arrest, sir ; and I suppose you wouldn't like the exposure. I can simperise in a gintleman's feelings, sir. If you walk aisy on, sir, and don't attempt escape or rescue, I'll keep a gintlemanlike distance." Tom walked on in great perplexity for a few steps, not knowing what to do. The hour of his rendezvous had struck he knew how impatient HANDY ANDY. 331 of neglect the widow always was he at one moment thought of asking the bailiff to allow him to proceed to her lodgings at once, there boldly to avow what had taken place, and ask her to discharge the debt ; but this his pride would not allow him to do. As he came to the corner of a street, he got a tap on the elbow from the bailiff, who, with a jerking motion of his thumb and a wink, said in a confidential tone to Tom " Down this street, sir that's the way to the pres'n (prison)." " Prison ! " exclaimed Tom, halting involuntarily at the word. " Shove on, sir shove on," hastily repeated the sheriffs-officer, urging his order by a nudge or two on Tom's elbow. " Don't shove me, sir ! " said Tom rather angrily, " or by G " " Aisy, sir aisy ! " said the bailiff; " though I feel for the deffi- culties of a gintleman, the caption must be made, sir. If you don't like the pres'n, I have a nice little room o' my own, sir, where you can wait, for a small consideration, until you get bail." " I'll go there, then," said Tom. " Go through as private streets as you can." " Give me half-a-guinea for my trouble, sir, and I'll ambulate you through lanes every fut o the way." " Very well," said Tom." They now struck into a shabby street, and thence wended through stable lanes, filthy alleys, up greasy broken steps through one close, and down steps in another threaded dark passages whose debouchures were blocked up with posts to prevent all vehicular conveyance, the accumulated dirt of years sensible to the tread from its lumpy uneven- ness, and the stagnant air rife with pestilence. Tom felt increasing disgust at every step he proceeded, but any thing to him appeared better than being seen in the public streets in such company ; for, until they got into these labyrinths of nastiness, Tom thought he saw in the looks of every passer-by, as plainly told as if the words were spoken, " There goes a fellow under the care of the bailiff." In these byways, he had not any objection to speak to his companion, and for the first time asked him what he was arrested for. " At the suit of Mr. M'Kail, sir." " Oh ! the tailor," said Tom. " Yes, sir," said the bailiff. " And if you would not consider it trifling with the feelings of a gintleman in defficulties, I would make the playful observation, sir, that it's quite in character to be arrested at the suit of a tailor. He ! he ! he ! " " You're a wag, I see," said Tom. " Oh no, sir only a poetic turn a small affection I have certainly for Judy Mot but my rale passion is the muses. We are not far, now, sir, from my little bower of repose which is the name I give my humble abode small, but snug, sir. You'll see another gintleman there, sir, before you. He is waitin' for bail these three or four days, sir can't pay as he ought for the 'commodation, but he's a friend o' mine, I may almost say, sir a litherary gintleman them litherary jjin- tlemen is always in defficulties, mostly. I suppose you're a litherarv gintleman, sir though you're rather ginteely dhressed for one ?" " N(>|" said Tom, " I am not." 332 HANDY ANDY. " I thought you wor, sir, by being acquainted with this other gintle- man." " An acquaintance of mine !" said Tom, with surprise. " Yis, sir. In short, it was through him I found out where you were, sir. 1 have had the writ agen you for some time, but couldn't make you off, till my friend says I must carry a note for him to you." " Where is the note ? " inquired Tom. " Not ready yet, sir. It's po'thry he's writin something ' pithy,' he said, and ' lame' too. I dunna how a thing could be pithy and lame together, but them potes has hard words at command." " Then you came away without the note ? " " Yes, sir. As soon as I found out where you were stopping, I ran off directly on Mr. M'Kail's little business. You'll excuse the liberty, sir ; but we must all mind our professions ; though, indeed, sir, if you b'liove me, I'd rather nab a rhyme than a gintleman any day ; and if I could get on the press, I'd quit the shoulder-tapping profession." Tom cast an eye of wonder on the bailiff, which the latter compre- hended at once ; for, with habitual nimbleness, he could nab a man's thoughts as fast as his person. " I know what you're thinking, sir could one of my profession purshue the muses ? Don't think, sir, I mane I could write the ' laders' or the pollitik'l articles, but the creminal cases, sir the robberies and offinces with the watchhouse cases together with a little po'thry now and then. I think I could be useful, sir, and do better than some of the chaps that pick up their ha'pence that way. But here's my place, sir, my little bower of repose." He knocked at the door of a small tumble-down house in a filthy lane, the one window it presented in front being barred with iron. Some bolts were drawn inside, and though the man who opened the door was forbidding in his aspect, he did not refuse to let Tom in. The portal was hastily closed and bolted after they had entered. The smell of the house was pestilential the entry dead dark. " Give me your hand, sir," said the bailiff, leading Tom forward. They ascended some creaking stairs, and the bailiff, fumbling for some time with a key at a door, unlocked it and shoved it open, and then led in his captive. Tom saw a shabby-genteel sort of person, whose back was towards him, directing a letter. " Ah, Goggins!" said the writer, " you're come back in the nick of time. I have finished now, and you may take the letter to Mister Durfy." " You may give it to him yourself, sir," replied Goggins ; " for here he is." " Indeed!' 1 said the writer, turning round. " "What !" exclaimed Tom Durfy, in surprise; " James Reddy !" " Even so !" said James, with a sentimental air ; 1 The paths of glory lead but to the grave.' Literature is a bad trade, my dear Tom ! 'tis an ungrateful world men of the highest aspirations may lie in gaol for all the world cares ; HANDY ANDY. 3-'s3 not that you come within the pale of the worthless ones ; this is d d good-natured of you to come to see a friend in trouble. You deserve, my dear Tom, that you should have been uppermost in my thoughts ; for here is a note I have just written to you, enclosing a copy of verses to you on your marriage in short, it is an epithalamium." " That's what I told you, sir," said Goggins to Tom. " May the divil burn you and your epithalamium !" said Tom Durfy, stamping round the little room. James Reddy stared in wonder, and Goggins roared, laughing, " A pretty compliment you've paid me, Mister Reddy, this fine morning, 1 ' said Tom, " you tell a bailiff where T live, that you may send your d d verses to me, "and you get me arrested." " Oh, murder !" exclaimed James. " I'm very sorry, my dear Tom ; but, at the same time, 'tis a capital incident ! How it would work up in a farce !" " How funny it is !" said Tom, in a rage, eyeing James as if he could have eaten him. " Bad luck to all poetry and poetasters ! By the 'tarnal war, I wish every poet, from Homer down, was put into a mortar and pounded to death !" James poured forth expressions of sorrow for the mischance ; and extremely ludicrous it was to see one man making apologies for trying to pay his friend a compliment ; his friend swearing at him for his civility, and the bailiff grinning at them both. In this triangular dilemma we leave them for the present. 334 HANDY ANDY CHAPTER XLVI. EDWAKD O'CONNOR, on hearing from Gustavus of the old dowager's disappearance from Neck-or- Nothing Hall, joined in the eager inquiries which were made about her, and his being directed with more method and judgment than those of others, their result was more satisfactory. He soon " took up the trail," to use an Indian phrase ; and he and Gusty were not many hours in posting after the old lady. They arrived in town early in the morning, and lost no time in casting about for information. One of the first places Edward inquired at, was the inn where the postchaises generally drove to from the house where the old dowager had obtained her carriage in the country ; but there no trace was to be had. Next, the principal hotels were referred to, but as yet without success ; when, as they turned into one of the leading streets in continuance of their search, their attention was attracted by a crowd swaying to and fro in that peculiar manner which indicates that there is a fight inside of it. Great excitement prevailed on the verge of the crowd, where exclamations escaped from those who could get a peep at the fight. " The little chap has great heart !" cried one. " But the sweep is the biggest," said another. "Well done, Horish /"* cried a blackguard, who enjoyed the triumph of his fellow. " Bravo ! little fellow," rejoined a genteeler person, who rejoiced in some successful hit of the other combatant. There is an inherent love in men to see a fight, which Edward O'Connor shared with inferior men ; and if he had not peeped into the ring, most assuredly Gusty would. What was their astonishment when they got a glimpse of the pugilists, to perceive Ratty was one of them, his antagonist being a sweep, taller by a head, and no bad hand at " the noble science." Edward's first-impulse was to separate them, but Gusty requested he would not, saying that he saw by Ratty's eye he was able to " lick the fellow." Ratty certainly showed great fight ; what the sweep had in superior size, was equalized by the superior " game " of the gentleman boy, to whom the indomitable courage of a high-blooded race had descended, and who would sooner have died than yield. Besides, Ratty was not deficient in the use of his "bunch of fives," hit hard for his size, and was very agile : the sweep sometimes made a rush, * The name of a celebrated sweep in Ireland, whose name is applied to the whole tribe. HANDY ANDY. 335 grappled, and got a fall ; but he never went in without getting some- thing from Ratty to " remember him," and was not always uppermost. At last, both were so far punished, and the combat not being likely to be speedily ended, (for the sweep was no craven,) that the bystanders interfered, declaring that " they ought to be separated," and they were. While the crowd was dispersing, Edward called a coach ; and before Ratty could comprehend how the affair was managed, he was shoved into it, and driven from the scene of action. Ratty had a confused sense of hearing loud shouts of being lifted somewhere of directions given the rattle of iron steps clinking sharply two or three fierce bangs of a door that wouldn't shut, and then an awful shaking, which roused him up from the corner of the vehicle into which he had fallen in the first moment of exhaustion. Ratty " shook his feathers," dragged his hair from out of his eyes, which were getting very black indeed, and applied his handkerchief to his nose, which was much in need of that delicate attention ; and when the sense of perfect vision was restored to him, which was not for some time, (all the colours of the rainbow dancing before Ratty's eyes for many seconds after the fight,) what was his surprise to see Edward O'Connor and Gusty sitting on the opposite seat ! It was some time before Ratty could quite comprehend his present situation, but as soon as he was made sensible of it, and could answer the first questions asked of him were about his grandmother. Ratty fortunately remembered the name of the hotel where she put up, though he had left it as soon as the old lady proceeded to the castle had lost his way and got engaged in a quarrel with a sweep in the mean time. The coach was ordered to drive to the hotel named ; and how the fight occurred was the next question. " The sweep was passing by, and I called him ' snow-ball,' said Ratty ; " and the blackguard returned an impudent answer, and I hit him." " You had no right to call him ' snow-ball,' '' said Edward. " I always called the sweeps ' snow-ball ' down at the Hall," said Ratty, " and they never answered." " When you are on your own territory you may say what you please to your dependants, Ratty, and they dare not answer ; or, to use a vulgar saying, ' A cock may crow on his own dunghill." " " I'm no dunghill cock ! " said Ratty, fiercely. " Indeed, you're not," said Edward, laying his hand kindly on the boy's shoulder; "you have plenty of courage." " I'd have lick'd him," said Ratty, " if they'd have let me have two or three rounds more." " My dear boy, other things are needful in this world besides courage. Prudence, temper, and forbearance are required ; and this may be a lesson to you, to remember, that when you get abroad in the world, you are very little cared about, however great your consequence may be at home ; and I am sure you cannot be proud about your having got into a quarrel with a sweep." 336 HANDY ANDY. Ratty made no answer his blood began to cool he became every moment more sensible that he had received heavy blows. His eyes became more swollen, he snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condition altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, convinced him a fight with a sweep was not an enviable achievement. The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty to see about the dowager, and made an appointment for Gusty to meet him at their own lodgings in an hour ; while he, in the interim, should call on Dick Dawson, who was in town, on his way to London. Edward shook hands with Ratty, and bade him kindly good bye, " You're a stout fellow, Ratty," said he, " but remember this old say- ing, ' Quarrelsome dogs get dirty coats. 1 " Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found him engaged in reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated from the " Bower of Repose," and requesting Dick's aid in his present difficulty. " Here's a pretty kettle of fish," said Dick ; " Tom Durfy, who is engaged to dine with me to-day, to take leave of his bachelor life, as he is going to be married to-morrow, is arrested and now in quod, and wants me to bail him." " The shortest way is to pay the money at once," said Edward ; " is it much?" " That I don't know ; but I have not a great deal about me, and what I have I want for my journey to London, and my expenses there, not but that I'd help Tom, if I could." " He must not be allowed to remain there, however we manage to get him out," said Edward ; " perhaps I can help you in the affair." " You're always a good fellow, Ned," said Dick, shaking his hand warmly. Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself, by proposing they should repair at once to the sponging-house, and see how matters stood. Dick lamented he should be called away at such a moment, for he was just going to get his wine ready for the party particularly some champagne, which he was desirous of seeing well iced, but as he could not wait to do it himself, he called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set off with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy. Andy was once more in service in the Egan family ; for the Squire, on finding him still more closely linked by his marriage with the desperate party whose influence over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of Andy's disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and offered to take him off to London instead of enlisting ; and as Andy believed he would be there sufficiently out of the way of the false Bridget, he came off at once to Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party to London. Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the champagne, which he set apart, and pointed out most particularly to our hero, lest he should make a mistake, and perchance ice the port instead. After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced operations, according to orders. He brought a large tub up stairs containing rough ice, which excited Andy's wonder, for he never had known till now HANDY ANDY. 337 that ice was preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house did not happen to be attached tf any establishment in which he had served. " Well, this is the qutfest tiling I ever heerd of," said Andy. " Musha ! what outlandish inventions the quolity has among tiem. They're not contint with wine, but they must have ice along with it, and in a tub, too ! just like pigs ! throth, it's a dirty thrick, I think. Well, here goes ! " said he ; and Andy opened a bottle of champagne, and poured it into the tub with the ice. " How it fizzes! " said Andy. " Faix, it's almost as lively as the soda-wather, that bothered me long ago. Well, I know more about things now sure it's wondherful how a man improves with practice ! " and another botUe of champagne was emptied into the tub as he spoke. Thus, with several such complacent comments upon his own proficiency, Andy poured half-a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, and remarked, when he had finished his work, that he thought it would be " mighty cowld on their stomachs." Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to the relief of Tom Durfy, who, though he had cooled down from the boiling pitch to which the misadventure of the morning had raised him, was still simmering, with his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr. Gog- gins's " bower," and his chin resting on his clenched hands. It was the very state of mind in which Tom was most dangerous. At the other side of the table sat James Reddy, intently employed in writing ; his pursed mouth and knitted brows bespoke a labouring state of thought, and the various crossings, interlinings, and blottings, gave additional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush at a line which was knocked off in a hurry, with slashing dashes of the pen, and fierce after-crossings of t's, and determined dottings of i's, declared some thought suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph. " You seem very happy in yourself in what you are writing," said Tom. " What is it? Is it another epithalamium ?" " It is a caustic article against the successful men of the day," said Reddy ; " they have no merit, sir none. 'Tis nothing but luck has placed them where they are, and they ought to be exposed." He then threw down his pen as he spoke, and after a silence of some minutes, suddenly put this question to Tom : - " What do you think of the world ? " " Faith, I think it so pleasant a place/' said Tom, " that I'm con- foundedly vexed at being kept out of it by being locked up here ; and that cursed bailiff is so provokingly free-and-easy coming in here every ten minutes, and making himself at home." *' Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must remember." " But while a gentleman is here for a period," said Tom, " this room ought to be considered his, and that fellow has no business here and then his bows and scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentle- man, and all that 'tis enough to make a dog beat his father. Curse him! I'd like to choke him." " Oh ! that's merely his manner," said James. *' Want of manners, you mean," said Tom. ' Hang rne, it he z 338 HANDY ANDY. comes up to me with his rascally familiarity again, but I'll kick him down stairs." " My dear fellow, you are excited," said Reddy ; " don't let these sublunary trifles ruffle your temper you see how I bear it and to recall you to yourself, I will remind you of the question we started from, ' What do you think of the world.' There's a general question a broad question, upon which one may talk with temper, and soar above the petty grievances of life in the grand consideration of so ample a subject. You see me here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can talk of the world. Come, be a calm philosopher, like me ! Answer, what do you think of the world ? " " I've told you already," said Tom ; " it's a capital place, only for the bailiffs." " I can't agree with you," said James. " I think it one vast pool of stagnant wretchedness, where the malaria of injustice holds her scales suspended, to poison rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing prejudices." To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy, Tom could only answer, " You know I am no poet, and I cannot argue with you ; but, 'pon my soul, I have known, and do know, some uncommon good fellows in the world.'' " You're wrong, you're wrong, my unsuspecting friend. 'Tis a bad world, and no place for susceptible minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its shadow superiority only wins for you the hatred of inferior men. For instance, why am / here ? The editor of my paper will not allow my articles always to appear ; prevents their insertion, lest the effect they would make would cause inquiry, and tend to my distinction ; and the consequence is, that the paper / came to uphold in Dublin, is deprived of my articles, and / don't get paid ; while / see inferior men, without asking for it, loaded with favour ; they are abroad in affluence, and / in captivity and poverty. But one comfort is, even in disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing." Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a lecture on patience. Tom was no great conjuror, but at that moment, like Audrey, " he thanked the gods he was not poetical." If there be any one thing more than another to make an " every-day man " content with his average lot, it is the exhibition of ambitious Inferiority, striving for distinction it can never attain ; just given sufficient perception to desire the glory of success, without power to measure the strength that can achieve it ; like some poor fly, which beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the sunshine beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium which intervenes too delicate for its limited sense to com- prehend, but too strong for its limited power to pass. But though Tom felt satisfaction at that moment, he had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the vain creature before him ; so, instead of speaking what he thought, viz. " What business have you to attempt literature, you conceited fool ? " he tried to wean him civilly from his folly by saying, " Then come back to the country, James ; if you find jealous rivals here, you know you were always admired there." HANDY ANDY. 339 " No, sir ! " said James, " even there my merit was unacknowledged." " No ! no ! " said Tom. " Well, underrated at least. Even there, that Edward O'Connor, somehow or other, I never could tell why I never saw his great talents but somehow or other, people got it into their heads that he was clever." " I tell you what it is," said Tom, earnestly, " Ned-of-the-Hill has got into a better place than people's heads he has got into their hearts ! " " There it is ! " exclaimed James, indignantly ; " You have caught up the cuckoo-cry the heart ! why, sir, what merit is there in writing about feelings which any common labourer can comprehend there's no poetry in that ; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you have difficulty in following the flight of the poet, and possibly may not be fortunate enough to understand him that's poetry, sir." " I told you I am no poet," said Tom ; " but all I know is, I have felt my heart warm to some of Edward's songs, and, by jingo ! I have seen the women's eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they have heard them and that's poetry enough for me." " Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity, sir if popularity it may be called, in a small country circle let him enjoy it 1 don't envy him his, though I think he was rather jealous about mine." " Ned jealous ! " exclaimed Tom, in surprise. " Yes, jealous ; I never heard him say a kind word of any verses I ever wrote in my life ; and I am certain he has most unkind feelings towards me." " I tell you what it is," said Tom, " getting up" a bit; " I told you I don't understand poetry, but I do understand what's a d d dtal better thing, and that's fine, generous, manly feeling ; and if there's a human being in the world incapable of wronging another in his mind or heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is Edward O'Connor so say no more, James, if you please." Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key was turned in the door. " Here's that infernal bailiff again ! " said Tom, whose irritability, increased by Reddy's paltry egotism and injustice, was at its boiling pitch once more. He planted himself firmly in his chair, and putting *n his fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister Goggins with an aspect that should astonish him. The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his appearance, presenting to the gentlemen in the room the hinder portion of his person, which made several indications of courtesy performed by the other half of his body, while he uttered the words, " Don't be astonished, gentlemen ; you'll be used to it by and by." And with these words he kept backing towards Tom, making these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could plainly see the seams in the back of Mister Goggins's pantaloons. Tom thought this was some new touch of the " free-and-easy" on Mister Goggins's part, and losing all command of himself, he jumped from his chair, and with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively impression of his desire that he should leave the room, that z 2 S40 HANDY ANDY. Mister Goggins went head foremost down the stairs, pitching his whole weight upon Dick Dawson and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed. Over- whelmed with astonishment and twelve stone of bailiff, they were thrown back into the hall, and an immense uproar in the passage ensued. Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard usage from Goggins, conceiving it might be a preconcerted attempt on the part of his prisoners and their newly-arrived friends to achieve a rescue ; and while he was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-visaged janitor to look to the door first, and keep him from being " murthered " after. Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters could be explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick were introduced to the upper room from which Goggins had been so suddenly ejected. There the bailiff demanded in a very angry tone the cause of Tom's conduct ; and when it was found to be only a mutual misunderstanding that Goggins wouldn't take a liberty with a gentleman "in deffi- culties" for the world, and that Tom wouldn't hurt a fly, only " under a mistake," matters were cleared up to the satisfaction of all parties, and the real business of the meeting commenced : that was, to pay Tom's debt out of hand ; and when the bailiff saw all demands, fees included, cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared off also, he was the most amiable of sheriffs' officers, and all his sentimentality returned. " Ah, sir !" said he to Edward O'Connor, whose look of disgust at the wretched den caught the bailiffs attention, "don't entertain an antithafy from first imprissions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge you my honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where human nature is visible in more attractive colours than in this humble retrait." Edward did not seem quite to agree with him, so Goggins returned to the charge, while Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words with James Reddy. " You see, sir," said Goggins, " in the first place, it is quite beautiful to see the mind in adversity bearing up against the little antediluvian afflictions that will happen occasionally ; and then how fine it is to remark the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart, and rushes to the assistance of the destitute ! I do assure you, sir, it is a most beautiful sight to see the gentlemen in defficulties, waitin' here for their friends to come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue Beard, where sister Ann waives her han'kecher from the tower the tyrant is slain and virtue rewarded ! " Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's absurdity, though his sense of the ridiculous could not overcome the disgust with which the place inspired him. He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed Edward from the room, the bailiff bringing up the rear, and relocking the door on the unfortunate James Reddy, who was left " alone in his glory," to finish his slashing article against the successful men of the day. Nothing more than words of recognition had passed between Reddy and Edward. In the first place, Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was indulging in illiberal observations upon him, rendered the HANDY ANDY. 341 ill-tempered poetaster dumb ; and Edward attributed this distance of manner to a feeling of shyness which Reddy might entertain at being seen in such a place, and therefore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility on a man who seemed to shrink from it ; but when he left the house, he expressed his regret to his companions at the poor fellow's unfortunate situation. It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expressions of com- passion coming from the lips of the man he had heard maligned a few minutes before by the very person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm expressions of thankfulness on his own account, for the prompt service rendered to him. Edward made as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged Tom to tkink nothing of such a trifle. " One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I'm sure you'll pardon me for it." " Could you say a thing to offend me ? " was the answer. " You are to be married soon, I understand." " To-morrow," said Tom. " Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money, take a real friend's advice, and tell your pretty good-hearted widow the whole amount of your debts before you marry her." " My dear O'Connor," said Tom, " the money you've lent me now is all I owe in the world 'twas a tailor's bill, and I quite forgot it. You know no one ever thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed ! " added Tom, with surprise ; " My dear fellow, I never could be much in debt, for the devil a one would trust me." " An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,' 1 said Edward, " and I hope you pardon me." " Pardon !" exclaimed Tom, " I esteem you for your kind and manly frankness." In the course of their progress towards Dick's lodgings, Edward reverted to James Reddy's wretched condition, and found it was but some petty debt for which he was arrested. He lamented, in common with Dick and Tom, the infatuation which made him desert a duty he could profitably perform by assisting his father in his farming concerns, to pursue a literary path, which could never be any other to him than one of thorns. As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour, he parted from his companions and pursued his course alone. But instead of proceeding immediately homeward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiff', and gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself answered to the knock, and was making a loud and florid welcome to Edward, who stopped his career of eloquence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence. A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit. He wished to ascertain the sum for which the gentleman up stairs was detained. The bailiff informed him ; and the money necessary to procure the captive's liberty was placed in his hand. The bailiff cast one of his melo-dramatic glances at Edward, and said, " Did'nt I tell you, sir, this was the place for calling out the noblest feelings of human nature ? " 342 HANDY AND\. " Can you oblige me with writing materials ? " said Edward. " I can, sir," said Goggins, proudly, " and with other materials* too, if you like and, 'pon my honour, I'd be proud to drink your health, for you're a rale gintleman." Edward, in the civillest manner, declined the offer, and wrote, or rather tried to write the following note, with a pen like a skewer, ink something thicker than mud, and on whity-brown paper : "Dear Sir, " I hope you will pardon the liberty I have taken in your temporary want of money. You can repay me at your con- venience. " Yours, E. O'C." Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon after a bet- ter man. Though weak, his heart was not shut to the humanities of life and Edward's kindness in opening his eyes to the wrong he had done one man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling towards all. He tore up his slashing article against successful men. Would that every disappointed man would do the same ! The bailiff was right : even so low a den as his becomes ennobled by the presence of active benevolence and prejudice reclaimed. * The name given in Ireland to the necessary ingredients for the making of whisky-punch. HANDY ANDY. 343 CHAPTER XLVI1. EDWARD, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty there before him in great delight at having seen a "splendid" horse, as he said, which had been brought for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on his arrival in town to a dealer, stating his want of a first-rate hunter. " He's in the stable now," said Gusty; " for I desired the man to wait, knowing you would be here soon." " I cannot see him now, Gusty," said Edward ; " will you have the kindness to tell the groom that I can look at the horse iu his own stables, when I wish to purchase." Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in wonder, for Edward, loved a fine horse. But the truth was, that Edward's disposable money, which he had intended for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad made upon it by the debts he had discharged for other men, and he was forced to forego the pleasure he had proposed to himself in the next hunting season ; and he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise false expectations, by affecting to look at disposable property with the eye of a purchaser, when he knew it was beyond his reach ; and the flimsy common-places of " I'll think of it," or " If I don't see something better," or any other of the twenty hacknied excuses which idle people make, after consuming busy men's time, Edward held to be unworthy. He could ride a hack, aud deny himself hunting for a whole season, but he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time of any man for ten minutes. This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless, nevertheless, it is part of the minor morality which is ever present in the conduct of a true gentleman. Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner party on an impromptu invitation, and the clock striking the appointed hour warned Edward it was time to be off; so jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled off to Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled, rife for fun. Amongst the guests was rather a remarkable man, a Colonel Crammer, who had seen a monstrous deal of service one of Tom Durfy's friends, whom he had asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course, Dick's card and a note of invitation for the gallant colonel were immediately despatched, and he had but just arrived before Edward, who found a bustling sensation in the room as the colonel was presented to those already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers, aside, to each person touching his friend ; such as " Very remarkable man;" " Seen great service ;" " A little odd or so ;'' " A fund of most extraordinarv anecdote." &c. &c. 3'M HANDY ANDY. Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom Loftus, whcwe acquaintance Dick wished to make, and who had been invited to the dinner after a preliminary visit ; but Tom sent an excuse in his ow name, and preferred being present under a fictitious one this being one of the odd ways in which his humour broke out ; desirous of giving people a " touch of his quality" before they knew him. He was in the habit of assuming various characters a methodist missionary the patentee of some unheard-of invention the director of some new joint-stock company in short, any thing which would give him an opportunity of telling tremendous bouncers, was equally good for Tom. His reason for assuming a military guise on this occasion was to bother Moriarty^ whom he knew he should: meet, and had a special reason for tormenting ; and he knew he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Moriarty was fond of telling about his own service into the shade, by extravagant inventions of "hair-breadth 'scapes," and feats by " flood and field." Indeed, the dinner would not be worth mentioning-, but for the extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and the unheard-of lies he squandered. Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good appetite soup and fish were soon despatched ; sherry followed as a matter of necessity. The second course appeared, and was not long under discussion wheu Dick called for the " champagne." Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and Dick, impatient of flelay, again called " Champagne." " I'm bringin' it to you, sir," said Andy, tugging at the tub. " Hand it round the table," said Dick. Andy tried to lift the tub, " to hand it round the table ;" but finding he could not manage it, he whispered Dick, *' I can't get it up, sir." Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in a sufficient state of effervescence to expel its own cork, whispered in return, " Draw it, then." " I was dhrawin' it to you, sir, when you stopped me." " Well, make haste with it," said Dick. " Mister Dawson, I'll trouble you for a small slice of the turkey," said the coloneL " With pleasure, colonel j but first do me the honour to take champagne. Andy champagne ! " " Here it is, sir ! " said Andy, who had drawn the tub close to Dick's chair. " Where's the wine, sir ? " said Dick, looking first at the tub and then at Andy. " There, sir," said Andy, pointing down to the ice. " I put the wine into it, as you towld me." Dick looked again at the tub, and said, " There is not a single bottle there what do you mean, you stupid rascal ? " " To be sure, there's no bottle there, sir. The bottles is all on the side-boord, but every dhrop o' the wine is in the ice, as you towld me, sir ; if you put your hand down into it, you'll feel it, sir." The conversation between master and man growing louder as it proceeded, attracted the attention of the whole company, and those near HANDY ANDY. 345 the head of the table became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mis- take Andy had made, and could not resist laughter ; and as the cause of their merriment was told from man to man, and passed round the board, a roar of laughter uprose, not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which at length was forced to yield to the infectious merri- ment around him, and he laughed with the rest, and making a joke of the disappointment, which is the very best way of passing one off, he said that he had the honour of originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality ; for though he had heard of company being entertained with a whole hogshead of claret, he was not aware of champagne being ever served in tubs before. The company were too determined to be merry to have their pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it was generally voted that the joke was worth twice as much as the wine. Nevertheless, Dick could not help casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, who had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his expense, while he waited upon the wags at dinner, and caught a lowly muttered anathema whenever he passed near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were both glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be left to themselves. Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the gentlemen to charge their glasses, and fill high to a toast he had to propose they would anticipate to whom he referred a gentleman who was going to change his state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c. &c. Dick dashed off his speech with several mirth-moving allusions to the change that was coming over his friend Tom, and having festooned his composi- tion with the proper quantity of " rosy wreaths," &c. &c. &c. naturally belonging to such speeches, he wound up with some few hearty words free from badinage, and meaning all they conveyed, and finished with the rhyming benediction of a " long life and a good wife" to him. Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing style that Dick proposed his health, and bade farewell to the lighter follies of bachelor- ship for the more serious ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who said they were not within a bottle of their singing point yet, but Torn Durfy was sure his friend the colonel would favour them. " With pleasure," said the colonel ; " and I'll sing something appropriate to the blissful situation of philandering in which you have been indulging of late, my friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the song as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess, who was attached to me once, and for whom I ran enormous risks but no matter that's past and gone, but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will ever haunt my heart ! The song is a favourite where I heard it on the borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by a fond woman in the valley of the nightingales, 'tis so in the original, but as we have no nightingales in Ireland, I have substituted the dove in the little translation I have made, which, if you'll allow me, I'll attempt." Loud cries of " Hear, hear," and tapping of applauding hands on the table followed, while the colonel gave a few preliminary hems ; and after some little pilot tones from his throat to show the way, his voice ascended in all the glory of song. 346 HANDY ANDY* " Coo ! Coo ! Coo ! Coo ! Thus did I hear the turtle-dove, Coo! Coo! Coo! Murmuring forth her love ; And as she flew from tree to tree, How melting seemed the notes to roe- Coo / Coo / Coo / So like the voice of lovers, 'Twas passing sweet to hear, The birds within the covers, In the spring-time of the year. " Coo / Coo / Coo / Coo / Thus the song's returned again Coo! Coo! Coo! Through the shady glen ; But there I wandered lone and sail, While every bird around was glad. Coo/ Coo! Coo! Thus so fondly murmured they, Cool Coo! Coo! While my love was away. And yet the song to lovers, Though sad, is sweet to hear, From birds within the covers, In the spring-time of the year." The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus's good voice, was received with great applause, and the fellows all voted it catching, and began " cooing" round the table like a parcel of pigeons. ' A translation from an Eastern poet, you say ? " ' Yes," said Tom. ' 'Tis not very Eastern in its character," said Moriarty. ' I mean a free translation, of course," added the mock colonel. 1 Would you favour us with the song again, in the original ? " added Moriarty. Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any other language than his own, and it would not have been convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who had a smattering of some of the Eastern tongues ; so he declined giving his Cashmerian song in its native purity, because, as he said, he never could manage to speak their dialect, though heunder- stood it reasonably well. " But there's a gentleman I am sure will sing some other song and a better one, I have no doubt," said Tom, with a very humble prostra- tion of his head on the table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing him. " Not a better, colonel," said the gentleman who was addressed ; " but I cannot refuse your call, and I will do my best ; hand me the HANDY ANDY. 347 port wine, pray ; I always take a glass of port before I sing I think 'tis good for the throat what do you say, colonel ? " " When I want to sing particularly well," said Tom, "I drink canary.' 1 The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed off his glass of port and began. Jfflfnt. " LADY mine ! lady mine ! Take the rosy wreath I twine ; All its sweets are less than thine, Lady, lady mine! The blush that on thy cheek is found Bloometh fresh the whole year round j Thy sweet breath as sweet gives sound, Lady, lady mine ! II. "Lady mine ! lady mine ! How I love the graceful vine, Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' (wine, Lady, lady mine! How I love that gen'rous tree, Whose ripe clusters promise me Bumpers bright, to pledge to thee, I/ady, lady mine I " Lady mine ! lady mine ! Like the stars that nightly shine, Thy sweet eyes shed light divine, Lady, lady mine ! And as sages wise, of old, From the stars could fate unfold, Thy bright eyes my fortune told, Lady, lady mine ! " The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen after dinner, tho second verse particularly, and many a glass was emptied of a "bumper bright," and pledged to the particular " thee," which each individual had selected for his devotion. Edward at that moment certainly thought of Fanny Dawson. Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial influence inspired by wine and song, not in excess, but in that wholesome degree which stirs the blood and warms the fancy ; and as one raises the glass to the lip, over which some sweet name is just breathed from the depth of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent friends as wine ? What is wine ? It is the grape, present in another form ; its essence is there, though the fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away, and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender 348 HANDY ANDY. thought may be spiritually present, in defiance of space, and fond recol- lections cherished, in defiance of time. As the party became more convivial, the mirth began to assume a broader form. Torn, Durfy drew out Moriarty on the subject of his services, that the mock colonel might throw every new achievement into the shade; and this he did in the most barefaced manner, but mixing so much of probability with his audacious fiction, that those who were not up to the joke only supposed him to be a very great romancer ; while those friends who were in Loftus's confidence exhibited a most capacious stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his lies with a ready credence. If Moriarty told some fearful incident of a tiger hunt, the colonel capped it with something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions in a wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated on the intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would upset him with some- thing more appalling. " Now, sir," said Loftus ; " let me ask you what is the greatest amount of heat you have ever experienced I say experienced, not heard of for that goes for nothing. I always speak from experience." " Well, sir ! " said Moriarty, " I have known it to be so hot in India, that I have had a hole dug in the ground under my tent, and sat in it, and put a table standing over the hole, to try and guard me from the intolerable fervour of the eastern sun, and even then I was hot. What do you say to that, colonel ? " asked Moriarty, triumphantly. " Have you ever been in the West Indies ? " inquired Loftus. " Never," said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into this admission, was directly at " the colonel's" mercy, and the colonel launched out fearlessly. " Then, iny good sir, you know nothing of heat. I have seen in the West Indies an umbrella burned over a man's head." " Wonderful ! " cried Loftus's backers. *' 'Tis strange, sir," said Moriarty, "that we have never seen that mentioned by any writer." " Easily accounted for, sir," said Loftus. " 'Tis so common a circum- stance, that it ceases to be worthy of observation. An author writing of this country might as well remark that apple-women are to be seen sitting at the corners of the streets. That's nothing, sir, but there are two things of which I have personal knowledge, rather remarkable. One day of intense heat, (even for that climate,) I was on a visit at the plantation of a friend of mine, and it was so out-o'-the-way scorching, that our lips were like cinders, and we were obliged to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats by gallons I don't hesitate to say gallons and we thought we could not have survived through the day ; but what could we think of our sufferings, when we heard that several negroes, who had gone to sleep under the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to death." " Scalded ! " said his friends ; " burnt, you mean." " No, scalded ; and how do you think ? The intensity of the heat had cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling milk inside dropped down and produced the fatal result. The same day a remarkable accident occurred at the battery the French were hovering round the island at HANDY ANDY. 341) the time, and the governor, being a timid man^ ordered the guns to be always kept loaded." " I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my life, sir," said Moriarty. " Nor I either," said Loftus, " till then." " What was the governor's name, sir ? " inquired Moriarty, pursuing his train of doubt. " You must excuse me, captain, from naming him," said Loftus, with readiness, " after incautiously saying he was timid." " Hear, hear ! " said all the friends. " But to pursue my story, sir; the guns were loaded, and with the intensity of the heat went off, one after another, and quite riddled one of his Majesty's frigates that was lying in the harbour." " That's one of the most difficult riddles to comprehend I ever heard," said Moriarty. " The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir, I promise you." " What ! " exclaimed Moriarty, " fire on the fort of her own king?" " There is an honest principle exists amongst sailors, sir, to return fire under all circumstances, wherever it comes from friend or foe. Fire, of which they know the value so well, they won't take from any body." " And what was the consequence ?" said Moriarty. " Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered from the ports of a British frigate ; not a single house or human being was injured the day was so hot that every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter exhaustion the whole population were asleep ; the only loss of life which occurred, was that of a blue macaw, which belonged to the 0 HANDY ANDY. as each person read the engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into his pocket, and pulled out the butt end of a rifle, which is always furnished with a small box, cut out of the solid part of the wood, and covered with a plate of brass, acting on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small implements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in order, was filled with snuff, and Tom said, as he laid it down on the table,