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I I
ESSAYS
FROM THE
BATCHELOR,
I N
PROSE AND VERSE
By the AUTHORS of the
EFJSTLE to GORGES EDMCND HOWARD, ESQ^
IN TWO VOLUMES.
VOL. II.
'I HE SECOND EDITION, WITH ADDITIONS.
DUBLIN, PRINTED 5
LONDON, reprinted, for T. BECKET, in the Strand.
MDCCLXXITI.
o a a H o T .
PR
THE
^>ATCHELOR.
NUMBER XL1V.
Tf JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
THE paflionate and tender fentiments of
love, are exprefled with elegance and
clafiical purity, in the following beau-
tiful verfes. By inferting them in your Spe-
culations, you will oblige,
M us JE us.
KISSES,
By PAUL JODDEREL, Efq.
SOLICITOR to the late PRINCE of WA L E s.
A S erft to Damon's facred fliade,
* * Thefeeyes their greatful tribute paid,
Of many a tear beguil'd :
Sweet Anna faw my tender grief,
And in kind pity brought relief:
She kifs'd me, and I fmiled.
VOL. II. B Ambi-
THE BATCHELOR.
Ambition next my bofom warm'd,
Adieu each fofter care :
Alarm'd the fair enchantrefs came$
One kifs infus'd a gentler fire,
'I felt the nobler heat expire,
And curs'd the phantom Fame,
Transfix'd by Envy's poifon'd dart,
When late my inly-feft'rin^ heart,
-Confum'd in filent pain ;
Like wounded Edward's gen'rous brids,
Sweet Anne her balmy lips apply'd,
And drew out all the bane.
Strange to relate, the tygrefs Rage,
Her gentle kifles can afluage,
And in foft fetters bind ;
Not mufic's powerful charms e'er gain'd,
Or calm philofophy attain'd
Such empire o'er the mind.
Then to fecure my peace and blifsj
Sweet Anne, in one eternal kifs,
Breathe in th' all healing balm ;
No, ceafe thou fatal fond defire,
Ah, treach'rous kifles, you infpirc
More paffions than you calm.
N U M-
THE BATCHELOR.
NUMBER XLV.
Findarum quifquis ftudet aemulari. HOR.
A PINDARIC ODE, fct to Muf.c, and per-
formed at Dsfior LUCAS'S Houje in Henry-
Jireft) on the Birth of kh Dau
T M U S T, I will afpire,
* And wake the fleeping lyre .
Fair Libertina's praife to ling :
Celeftial Mufe defcend,
Thy infpiration lend,
And bear me on thy tow'ring wing.
Shout, fhout, all Chequcr-lanc,
Raife high the jocund ftrain,
To notes of rapture, fwell thy voice ^
Smock-alley, and Blind-quay,
Exalt the choral lay,
Ye fons of Pimlico rejoice !
June to adorn,
This day, a babe is born,
The fruit of LUCAS' latter days :
The mother chafte and kind,
With perfevering mind,
Long toil'd this patriot plant to raife.
B 2 Beat,
THE BATCHELOR.
Beat, beat, the thund'ring drums,
She comes, fair Freedom comes,
Her new born triumphs to difplay 5
The Comb, and Poddle crowd,
Should hail with voices loud,
Fair Libertina's natal day.
Oh lovely Libertine,
In all thy air and mien,
I fee bright Liberty portray'd j
Thy amorous fparkling eye,
Thy lip, thy leg and leper thigh,
For freedom's rapturous joys are mad*.
Hark, hark the infant fpeaks,
In infant notes fhe fqueaks,
" Da, to thy country, ftill be true."
Amaz'd nurfe Phegan cries,
*' Sweet mifs, God fave your eyes,
" And God fave da, and country too."
The cocklofts catch the found,
To kitchen it went round ;
The fcullion, " Save my country !" cries.
Above ftairs and below,
The patriot accents flow,
While Libertina freedom fqualls.
LUCAS, the fage, the grey,
Charm'd with the found grows gay,
And
THE BATCHELOR 5
And of his wond'rous offspring proud,
His crutches he forgoes,
Springs high on chalky toes,
And " Save my country !" echoes round.
" This happy babe, he cries, I fee,
" In times remote fhall copy me,
" And vulgar females foar above :
" To fpurn restraint fhall be her pride,
" Her freedom's voice alone (hall guide,
" In politics and love.
* c Warm'd with Macauly's generous ragt,
ft Deep read in Wilkes's pious page,
" This maid, her country ihall rcchinv.
" Hibernia's modeft manners taught,
" With all my low'ring fpirit fraught,.
. " I fee, I fee her foar to fame.
" To thee, O Phegan, I confign,.
" This miracle, this maid divine j
" Let her,, her father's triumphs know,
" Tell her whole corporations quake,
" And Vice-roys tremble, when he fpake,
'* While freedoms fons with rapture glow.
" Tell her, when young and poor,
** I kept a fliop obfcure j
" My foul afpir'd on daring wing?,
" Even gliders when I gave,
" I fpurn'd an impious Have,
" And libelPd minifters and kings.
B 3 When
THE BATCHELOR.
When by a bafe and fervile band,
" The licens'd robbers of the land,
*' To Newgate I was doom'd a prey,.
" A patriot firm, I perfeyer'd,
" Nos long the haughty Commons fear'd,
" But dole triumphantly away,
" Thus, when my ftory's told,
** Like me in virtue bold,
" She'll bravely fcorn each fervile hack ;
" By no falfe ftiame difmay'd
" Of no man's pow'r afraid,
*' On no man will fhe turn her back.
" Now, Phegan, be the babe convey'd
" To Copper-alley's favoury {hade,
" To fave her from vile courtier's ire ;
" With brandy ftain her tender lip,
" Oft whifkey's fpirit let her fip,
) " Ton re not a bee without a fling?*] There
is a peculiar felicity (as I am told) in this compari-
fon of Howard unto a bee, although the Epiftla
fayeth that he " is not a bee," for whereas a bee
never refieth upon any bud or flower, but flyeth
about in wandriag and uncertain angles, from
ibrub to fhrub, and from hollyhock to poppy,
and never is content until his bags be filled ; lo
Howard hath amaffcd an ample fortune by dif-
ferent occupations ; and alib hath completed a
volume of apophthegms, from the divers lich fpoih
ot
THE BATCHELOR. 21
Tho' wifely ev'ry fweet you cull,
Of which your apophthegms are full (q} t
Your vcrfe the Irifli (r) SHAMROCK fcrJft,
You ftamp your genius on its leaves :
-of learning which he hath happened to encounter
in his poring over books, many of which he hat-h
had accefs to in my (hop in Parlbment-ftreet.
(q] Ofubichyour af>cf> hibcgms arefu/L] Some
of the greatcfl geniufes of antiquity, and the mo-
derns, have taken particular delight in collecting
all the wife fayings, and brilliant proverbs of the
cute obfervers upon men, manners, and things
an excellent collection of this fort is to be found
i.-i one of the laft p.iges of Boyer's French Gentle-
man's Grammar. But I am informed that the
'Lord Bacon, Baron Verulam, Vifcount St. Al-
ban's, and Plutarch, have been more induftrious
in this way than any of their cotemporaries, the
moderns. Howard in imitation of thefe fuperna-
tural wits, is alfo the author of a compilation of
-an ochivo volume, under the title of Howard's
Apophthegms, collected from Bacon, Plutarch, Sir
John Fielding, Julius Caefar, the Wit's Vade
Mecum, Solon, a Chriftmas Box for Young La-
dies, Taylor's Holy Living and Dying, and the
^Buck's Companion.
(r) Tour verfe the IriJJ) SHAMROCK fives. ] -
This mofl certainly meanelh the multifarious col-
ledHon of poems, printed in a thick volume
in quarto, at the inftigation of Mr. White, the
writing-mafler, in Grafton-ftreet, by fubfcription,
for his benefit, which confifteth of his pupils,
their'
2 THE BATCHELOR.
St. Patrick with a gracious fmile,
Beholds the poet of his ifle,
In
their fathers, grand-mothers, aunts, parents,
coufins and other kindred, \vhofe names are made
public for the encouragement of the work. L
Said Mr. White farther teacheth, and inftructeth,
young matters, niifles, and other children who
are come to their full growth, in the Whole
Circle of the Sciences, fuch as Salmon's Gazet-
teer, aftronomy, the whole fecret of fpelHng made
eafy to the meaneft capacities, the ufe of their
letters to thofe who cannot read, geography, the
true meaning of the globes, hiitory, and other
branches of the mathematics. The big book
of Madrigals which he publifhed he ftyleth the
SHAMROCK, it being compofed of the choked
pieces of wit and humour which cv,er appeared,
and doth great honour to the geniufes of this
kingdom | it having been wrote altogether by
Irifhmen, ladies, and other lords of quality fince
the Revolution. Here foiloweth two of the
moH: admired verfes in the whole production, one
being An Epigram on " a lady employed in the
office of blowing a turf fire with her pettycoat,
for want of a pair of bellows.'' And the other
on faid lady, " who was fo difaftrous as to fpill a
tlifh of tea upon her apron. *' \Vaich will do for
a fample of the reft, they being equal, if not fu-
perior, to any of the foregoing, or ihofe infertect
after.
EPI-
THE BATCHELOR. 23
In bufkin'd dignity you fhine,
And prove your claim to Norfolk's line (-0 ;
That
EPIGRAM. On a Cup of Tea, fpi It in a Ladys Lap.
Mourn not, AMIR A, that to love's abode
The warm adventurous ftream prefum'd to prefs :
Not chance, but fome unfeen admiring God,
In rapturous ardour, fought the fweet recefs.
Nor doubt what Deity, fo greatly bold,
In form unufual thus fhould vifit thee ;
The God who ravim'd in a fhow'r of gold,
Can charm ihefair one in IMPERIAL TEA !
EPIGRAM. To a young Lady blowing a Tuff Fire
with her Petticoat^
Ceafe, ceafe, AMIR A, peerlefs maid 51 .
Though we delighted .gaze,
'"While artlefs you excite the flame
We periih in the blaze.
Haply you too provoke your bann,
Forgive the bold remark,
Tour petticoat may fan the fire,
But, O! beware a SPARK.
'In the fame ftyle and form, 'and I think more
flinging, I made an Epigram on my Nephew
Tom Todd, (which Mr. White promifeth to ih-
fert in his next edition of the Shamrock) who is
always (lirring and rooting the fire becauie he
thinks he can never be hot enough fmce he
was fun-burnt in the Eaft- Indies, it being there
dog-days all the year over, fummer and winter, as
it is with us in the dog-days in Auguft. Tom
Todd, fays I, extempore, You put me to a great
iupernumerary expence in COALS, which cofts me
a great
*4 THE BATCHELOR.
That line which pull'd fanatics down,
And always prop'd the church and crown (/}.
You
a great deal of COLE. COLE is a cant word
among my news-boys and other black-guards,
for cafh, pounds, {hillings, pence, and farthings.
This I have briefly exprefTed in my excellent
Epigram, which is as followed) :
Tom Todd the fire always prokes,
For he's a hearty foul ;
His uncle cannot SLACK his jokes,
But always pays the COLE.
Mr. Howard was very much enraged becaufe
&!r. White did not print fome of his anagrams
and ncroflics in the body of the work, though he
had no ju(l pretenfion thereto, he not having been
one of Mr. White's pupils, nor a fubfcriber to his
book, who, to pacify his rage, made an Appendix
to make room for him. N.B. The SHAMROCK
is a green herb, which groweth and flourifheth
among the graf?, in our pleafure-gardens and in
the open fields -on .St. Patrick's birth day, -which
commonly hdppeneth on the Ljth day of March,
and is worn by moft people at home and abroad,
efpeciatly at court, in crofTes in honour of the
fJaint, who was the firft chriftian bifhop of Ar-
magh, and converted the poor infatuated natives
of this country from the errors of the church of
Rome, by the help of the Shamrock, as faid White
obferveth. He like wife banifhed toads, ferpents,
frogs, fnakes, wolves, be.us, nightingales, and
other vcnemous creatures, but was pleafed to
leave us crabs, lobfbers, rabbits, and other fea fowl.
The common people moft commonly get drunk
THE BATCHELOR, 25
You prove what riches tillage yields (),
And fmiling plenty crowns our fields ;
Sure
on this day with whifkey, which occafioneth
much fighting, quarrelling, maiming, bruifing,
bad language, and other accidents.
(5) A 'id prove y>nr claim to Norfolk's line.] The
Duke of Norfolk's name is Howard, from whrch
Gorges Howard is defcended in a ftraight line,
his anceftor being the Hon. Mr. Edward Howard,
\vho was alfo reputed a great dunce in the reign
of King Charles the lid. and compoled feveral
plays and tragedies, fuch as the Britifh Princes,
King Arthur, &c. which fuffered much abufe
and provocation, from the witty noblemen of the
day, being the Earl of Dorfet, _Mr. Dryden,
Lord Rochefter, Mr. Butler author of Hudibras,
the Duke of Buckingham and, others.
(f) And always prsp'fi tke church and crown."] -
Mr. Howard is church-warden of Mary's church,
and was employed as an attorney by the Rev. Mr.
Mofes Magill, the curate of the parilh, to fpeak
againft the Prefbyterians, who refufcd to. pay faid
Mofes for diflurbing them with prayers early in
the morning at an unfeafonable hour, though
they never attended divine fervice ; which Mr.
Howard did, to t-he univerfal fatisfaclion of alllii?
pariftiionersat a veftry. He is likcwife folicitorto
the crown, for the quit rents, cafual revenue, and
other forfeited eftates.
(K) You prove what riches tillage yields.} Elowarcl
is the author of feveral letters, figned Agricola,
recommended tillage. I primed them without
VOL. II. C any
26 THE BATCHELOR.
Sure all who read you muft allow,
You write as if you held the plough.
You prove by ploughs the kingdom's fed (w),
That pictures cannot ferve for bread :
From whence 'tis plain this lazy nation,
Owes to your pen its prefervation.
My mufe the Architect now greets,
Wbofe lofty domes adorn our ftreets (.*) ;
Who,
any expence to the author, before our quarrel,
but have fince declined it. He hath taken molt
of his hints from my paragraphs, and endeavoured
to imitate my ftyle and fpirit; but my friends tell
me he hath failed therein.
(w] You prove by ploughs the kingdom's fed.]
Ploughs, an inftrument for turning up the earth,
were firft invented byTriptolcmus, a near relation
of the Goddefs Ceres, and afterwards much im-
proved by Mr. John' Wynne, Baker, of the
Dublin Society The Irifh formerly ploughed by
the tail with their bullocks; but upon 13r. Swift's
voyage to the Bouynhams being publifhed, and
his faying fo much in praife of horfes, this
barbarous, horrid, atrocious, (hocking, deleft -
able, cruel, nefarious cuftom was abolifhed by ad:
of parliament. See an Abridgement of the irifh
Statutes, fold by me in Parliament-ftreet.
lx] iVhofe lofty dames adorn our Jlreets.] How-
ard owneth many houfes in Parliamen-ftreet. I
built my own houfe myfelf, Howard having no-
thing to fay it, nor (hall ever come within my
doors,
THE BATCHELOR. 27
Who, Vanbrugh like, claims double bays (y),
For piling ftones and writings plays,
Your
doors, dnlefs it be to pay for advertifements in my
Journal, or to buy medicines of my nephew Todd.
It may be worth while to mention a very en-
tertaining anecdote (for the fatisfa&ion of the
curious) relating thereunto: when my houfe was
building, I happened to be out of the way one
morning, penning an advertifement for an agree-
able companion to pay half the expence of a poft-
chaife, to fee that ftupendous curiofity of nature,
the Giant's Caufeway, about which 'tis ftill a doubt
amongfl the learned, whether it be done in the
common way by Giants, or whether it be an ef-
fort of fpontaneous nature, and my houfe was
creeled without any ftair-cafe; whereby the upper
(lories were rendered ufelefs, unlefs by the com-
munication of a ladder placed in the ftreet. But
upon confidering my misfortune in wanting my
member, and the carelefnefs of hackney coach-
men, who drive furioufly through the ftreets at
all hours, in a ftate of drunkennefs from the fpiri-
tuous liquors, whereby the ladder might be (hook
or thrown down when I was afcending it, I
thought it better to re-build my houfe, and it has
at prefent a ftair-cafe, by which there is a con-
venient and elegant communication between all
parts of faid tenement. It is fomewhat remark-
able that my houfe in Eflex-ftreet had no ftair-cafe,
whereby nature feemeth to point out, that having
but one leg, I ought not to attempt climbing, and
fhould always remain on the ground floor.
it Vanburgb like.&c.] Sir John Van-
C 2 brugh,
*8 THE BATCHELOR.
Your fkill infrru&s Gymnaftic fchools (z) t
And Carte and Tierce reduc'd to rules,
Prove you the firft of moral men,
To poife a fword, or point a pen.
burgh. He was a great poet nnd architect. I was
not perfonally acquainted with him any farther
than printing his works, becaufe he died before,
my time. Being imprifoned in the Baftile, and
having no light, nor pen or ink allowed him, he
amufed himfelf with drawing divers plans of the
Baftile, which he hath fince introduced into ma'ny
buildings with great fuccefs, particularly Blen-
heim, which much refembleth the Baflile.
(z) Tour JIM injirufls Gymnajlic fchools ]
Howard wrote a treatife on fencing, and is ac-
counted an expert fwordfman He declined
accepting a challenge which Ifenthim to fightmy
. Dephew Fodd, (in the way of proxy) at the Fifteen
Acres, with pil'tols. I could not fight myfeM", I
bccaufe I am p edged to the public for my Journal,
three times a week, and have the care of the city
upon me in my capacity of an alderman. My
nephew was at firft unwilling to accept the com-
bat, but upon my piomifing to leave him the
Jourml after my death, and making him take
two fpoonfuls of his own El'ixii Vitee^ he at laft
confented. I his medicine is only imported by
him, and is excellent for preventing accidents by
fuiiiicrn death and megrims: It alfo cureth all
mortal wounds, by gun-fliot and other miflive
weapons.
New
THE BATCH.EL.OR- u$
New light on ev'ry art you ftrikc,
And matchlefs fhine in all alike ;
For who can teli if moft you-'re fkill'd in
The pen, the plough, the fword, or building ?
A puny author may difclofe
Some fkill in ihyme, but none in profe $
In profe another fliews his wit,
Who can't a fmgle ftanza hit :
Your foes unwillingly confefs,
Ir> both you equal (kill pofTefs (a).
Oh-
(0) In both you equal fkill pojfifs.'} This, I con-
ceive alludeth to the following under-written letter
of Mr. Howard's, from Killarney, with the fig-
natureofPosLicoLA, Avithadefcription, and like-
xvife acomparifon of the Giants Caufway,whereunto
ha fubjoined an infcription for the tomb-done of
Dr. Averel, biftiop of Limerick, and uncle to the
right hon. Francis Andrews, Provoft of Trinity
College, Dublin, that reprefenteth the loyal city of
Londonderryin parliament: N. B.ThatKillarney
isafmall villageof that name in the county of Kerry.
It is a market-town, but doth not fend two mem-
bers to parliament, as mod other boroughs do. It is
part of the eftate of Lord Vifcount Kenmare, who
hath forfeited his title, he being a Catholic noble-
man, although very hofpitable, and k.-^pedi a
moft plentiful table', furnifhed with all the va-
rieties the feafon affords. I alfo had the honour
to dine with him when I journeyed into thefe
parts, to fee the beatuies of this wonderous lake.
C 3 23.-
30 THE BATCH EX OR.
On a true mirrour's polifh'd face,
All objects thus we plainly trace,
But
To tbt Primer of the DUBLIN MERCURY.
SIR, Killarney.Sept, a6th 1771.
I have at length feen what I have long wifhed
to fee,this wonderous lake. Toattempt todefcribe
it would require the ableft pen of the ancient poets,
or, of modern poets, the famous painter ot Kil-
iarney, wherefore, I fhall never attempt it:
yet notwithftanding all the beauties of the lake, I
cannot think it, as a curiofity, equal to the
Giants Caufeway ; I have feen both. I never faw
any thing LIKE the fir ft, nor any thing EQUAL
to the latter ; this diftin&ion is agreed to by afl
I have mentioned it to. But alas \ this lake has
been the death of a man, for whom the whole
province here is in tears, the late bifliop of Lime-
rick, Dr. Averel, our countryman : To fum up
all fhortly as I can, I heard the people of Limerick,
(where I was fhortly after his death) (ay, that there
has not been fuch a bifliop fince the time of
the apoftles ; that the Romifh clergy faid, they
fhould not wonder, had he lived any time, if they
had loft many of their flocks. What obligations
then are due to our Lord Lieutenant, for having
appointed fuch a man their paftor ; for though
Heaven has pleafcd to take him away, his fuccef- v
fors will hear fo much of him, that he cannot but
endeavour to intimate him. I heard this acknow-
ledged by feveral, as alfo for his concurrence in
appointing that well known friend to his country,
and
THE BATCHELOR. . 31
But if in fpots the MERCU'RY lie,
A broken image meets the eye.
O Howard !
and their city, efpecially, fpeaker: from thefe and
many other like inftances of his impartial conduct,
it is wifhed that we may never lofehim, and
every day the advantage of a refident Vice-roy
becomes more and more manifeft ; that from this
new mode of government, there is far more likeli-
hood that merit will be rewarded, proper perfons
appointed to offices, and and the laws fupported
and executed. A gentleman of our city happen-
ing to be at Limerick, fhortly after the interment
of the bifhop, and hearing the prodigious great
character of him from all perfons, wrote the fol-
lowing lines, extempore, as an infcription for a
monument.
POBLICOLA.
Beneath this marble ftone weep, mankind weep,
Averel, your friend, lies wrapp'd in endlefs fleepj
Who, for the poor alone, did fortune crrfvc,
And deem'd himfelf but rich in that he- gave ;
From whom, the pray'r of want, or plaint of woe
Ne'er did unpitied, or unhappy go.
His mournful flock to their blels'd paftor's praife,
With greatful heart this parting tribute pays.
Before our quarrel, Howard wrote the following
Epitaph on me, which had we continued friends,
I mould not have been lorry to fee put upon my
tomb-(tone, which I now accordingly publifh, that
my friends may fee what an opinion .Howard once
cntertaiucd of me.
C 4 An
32 THE BAT'CHELOR.
O Howard ! is it not furprizing,
Your wit alone fhould flop your rifing !
Elfe on the bench you might be thruft,
Tho' flow as fnail, that crawls thro' duft 5
By felf-conceit you might advance,
As quickfilver makes puddings dance ().
From men of fenfe fools win the day,
As horfes fly, when afles bray.
An Epitaph on GEORGE FAULKNER*
Beneath this Stone lyes fet
An Earthly Light,
GEORGE FAULKNER.
To tell you what he was
Would be to tell the World
There was a Sun and Moon.
Oh then
But from this Star
Such Rays divine diverg'd,
Hofpitality, Friendfliip, Love^
That all who faw, admir'd.
Can more be (aid ?
If ought,
Say it who can.
() As quick F.lvtr makes puddings dance.] No-
thing is more entertaining to a large company,
than to fee a pudding vibrating, fhaklng, moving,,
and dancing upon the difh, by means of quick-
filver inferted into the body of it.
O fena
THE BATCHELOR. &
Q fons of dulnefs ! blefs'd by fate !
Fitteft for law, for church, and Irate -,
Your parents influence prevails,
And gives her dunces mitres -feah :
A Tifdall ? s depth (c), a Townfliend's vvity.
Is not for plodding b u fine fs fit :
An Eagle's wings were- form'd for flight.
A Goofe's furnifh quills to write.
I'd alfo fmg, if I were able,
Your genrous wine, and feftive table ;
Where all thofe wits in- crowds aflemble,
Who make the vile Committee tremble ;
There, Donough's humour mirth provokes (d},,
While all admire his Attic, jokes (e),
Tho r
(0 ATifdalVi aeptb.] The right hon. Philip
Tifda!!, Attorney-general.
(d) There Donougb's humour mirth proi'Dkn.]
The rev. Dotor Dennis, chaplain to the Lord
Lieutenant of Ireland-; author of many ingenious
pieces.
(*) While all admire bis Attic jokes. "} Ths
people of Attica were remarkable for the goodnefs
of their jokes, and for having the beft fait for pre-
icrving nreat for foreign importation ; by which
means th'^y underfold all their neighbours iu the
article, of fait provifions. I hope this may be a.
05
34 THE BATCHELOR.
Tho' oft to prove his tafte the beft,
He laughs alone at his own jeft :
Then boafts how once his patron rofe,
And told the ftory of THREE CROWS ;
Which he'll infert, with meet apology,
In his new Syftem of Chronology (f) ;
And after mending Newton's errors (g}>
St. Audeon's-Arch he'll fill with terrors.
The Caftle tribe aloud confefs (h]
Him great Alcides of the prefs,
Like that immortal hero known,
For fathering labours not kis cii'tu
timely warning to this poor, undone, infatuated
country Attica was called the Corkc of Greece.
(/) In h'n ne%v Syjiem of CbrcHO/ory.] Doctor
Dennis is at prefent engaged in digefting a new
fyftem of Chronology, under the title of Chrono-
logical and Hiftorical Difltrtations ; which I (hall
be glad to print and feil at my fhopin Parliament-
itreet.
(g) And after mending Newton s errors.'] Sir
Ifaac Newton. He was made a knight by Queen
Anne, and matter of the mint, a place worth
joool. yearly. He was reckoned a good mathe-
matician, aud was very fond of looking through
fpy glafles.
(h) The Caftle tribe aloud confefs.] This alludetK
to the Doctors being the fuppofed author of all the
political pieces which appeal in the Mercury.
B w s>
THE BATCHELOR. 35
B w s, in epigram fo (mart (/'),
'Till griping H it d broke his heart (>),
Now
(/) The Reverend Doctor Lewis Burrows,
Curate of St. Thomas's Dublin. He was bred a
i^izer or Servitor, in the College of Dublin, and
didinguifhed himfelf very much by his early dif-
pofition to write verfes, which appeared by his in-
fcribing epigrams on moft of the Fellows trencher?,
which he had an opportunity of handling after
they had dined thereon. When he was too much
hurried to conclude an epigram, which hap-
pened fometirnes by the variety of his occupation,
in taking away the cloth, knives, fpoons, forks
and other eatables, he always filled up what was
wanting in verle by the figure of a goofe, a gan-
der, or gofling, or fome other emblematic type or
fhadow, 'exprefiive of his difpofition for. fatire.
Being very poor and having no livelihood, he
advertifed himfelf as a private tutor, to inftrut
youth in morality, religion, geography, law,
phyfic, natural philofophy, botany and the globes,
at ten pounds per annum. Being taken into a
gentleman's family on thefe terms, he was much
captivated. by the beauty of a young lady who was
filler to his pupil, and by the comelinefc of his per-
fon, being a fleek man, and remarkably polite in
his cloathing) he made fuch a way in this young
lady's affections, whofe fortune was in her own
power, that he Coon made a conqueft of her perfon ;
but being alfo a man of great prudence, in which
he was certainly very commendable, he left her to
make the beft of her own folly, thereby conveying
C 6 a very
36 THE BATCHELOR.
Now deals in Hebrew roots profound,
And only treads prophetic ground j
Jerus'lem
a very ufeful leflbn to all frail young women, and
\vhich he has often faid he hopes (being the fole
reafon of his doing it) will be a timely warning to
prevent other ladies from falling into iuch fnares.
He afterwards was preferred to a fmall Jiving in
the diocefe of Derry, where he carried on the
Proteftant religion with fo much zeal againft Pa-
pills, efpecially of the church of Scotland, that he
fuffered divers perfecutions in confequence thereof,,
which he bore with the true meekncfs of a Chrif-
tian clergyman, being often kicked, cudgelled,,
bruifed, tweaked by the nofe, and otherwife in-
fulted, which he bore with great humility and
patience. Hearing a great character of the Earl
of Hertford's adminiftration, as remarkable for
facts, homilies, penitence and true religion, he
propofed himfelf to his Excellency to write epi-
grams, to fupport him againft Mr. Flood, Brown-
low, &c. who were leldom feen at church, which
he did with great iprrit and fuccefs, calling them,
feefe, gander?, goflings, r.fles, and other oppro-
rious fowl and birds, in the Mercury. He was
fo perfecutcd for his winy allufions,.thut he found
it neceflary to publifh an advertifement in my
Journal, April 24, 1770, fwearing thereby on the
faith of a Chriftian ckrg\mnn, that he had no
concern, and never was the author of any pro-
duction in faid paper, and much blaming the
printer Hocy, and another gentleman, for dif-
covering that the letter X in faid paper, was his
property,
THE BATCHELOP*. 37
Jerus'lem artichoke fupplies,
Thofe vifions that made Daniel wife..
The
property, and that he was the author of many pro-
duClions therein, which bafe conduct on their
parts he refented fo highly in this impudent in-
c'ecent manner, proving a Chrifiutn clergyman 'a -
liar to the ruin of his character, and the great
fcandal of his holy function, that it determined
him to \vriic in the Freeman's Journal without the
letter X, and as ft Idem as poilible to mention
ganders, gcefe, and goflings. Soon a:ter he went
into the North, where he was taken into the con-
fidence of a. gentleman of great fenfe and fortune,..
\vhohad near loft his undei (landing by age and
infirmities, and by the many ipiritual comforts Lo
administered to him, pretending to be a good\
Jacobite, and an old Tory; in that concii ; ';m he
prevailed on him to fupprefs all ties of bk od and
alliance, and bequeath hi3 fortune t- a ft ranker,
inftead of three very defcrving dar^Kiers arrd their
iflue, who were disinherited. T he Dc6lor's trt:e
reafon for this was not to r flary
to the heir for the fnke of the le^.^y v !,h \\',\s
left him, but for the honoui of the church, (hew-
ing it is necefiary to pav them refpect in all fami-
lies, and that though ; t ChrUtian clergyman may.
be tweaked by the Dole, kicked, cuv
Brought great Gultavus to the ftage,
And rous'd the Patriot's God- like fire,
In drains which Stanhope might admire !
Now Metjus' fate and his are one,
By all he's torn, that's true to none..
MAQRO, with college duft befprent (*),
There mingles to give malice vent,
With various tongues thick fet as Fame,
And ev'ry tongue difpos'd to blame.
In ftudious Macro may be feen,
The copious Polyglot of fpleen :
He fearches old and modern lore,
To learn to hate his neighbour more j ;
Fond of niea's follies and their vices,
As beggar of his fores and lice is ;
With eyes like fox, and mouth like {h.arkv
That feems lefs form'd to fpeak than bark:
Let others while their bowls they quaff,
D.iflend their lungs with heart- felt laugh;
In
(0} MACRO, with college dufi befprent.] We
have not been able to difcover whom the author
intendeth to defcribe in thefe verfes : but fome in-
genious friends conjecture that it is fome rev. gen-
tleman, \vh.i underllandeth many languages, and
a play-houfe Mifs.
THE BATCHEL6R. 45
In ihort fhrill fhrieks of fiend-like glee,
He proves his rifibility.
His knowledge, like a treacherous beacon,
'Holds out faife \ hts to the miftaken,
And when they v. nder from their way,
Humanely leads tliem more afliray.
'Yet Macro, whofe peculiar pride
Is to expofe a friend's blind iid^,
Can to more glaring foil/ (loop ;
'HimfeJf a bankrupt 'player's dupe.
There bafhful B- n once was fednj
Mistaking dullnefs for the fpleen ;
"Who fays, unfays, agrees, difputes,
And his own arguments confutes.
How eloquent in'fhr'ugs and fighs !
In uplift hands, and winking eyes !
What fupplication, what contorfions !
His words half form'd, his thoughts abortions !
Such wriggling, grafpins:, pawing, leering,
You know not if its praife, or fneering.
Such fudden (tops, and circum flections j
Such prefacing?, and interjections,
With Ah, good Heaven !" and " Oh, my
" God, fir!
" I'm wrong, I own, I kifs the rod, fir ;
' There's weight and fenfe in all you utter."
'-Mere prologues to an egg ami butter j
That
46 THK BATCHELOR.
That did not pudding fleeves declare him,
Some antic Scaramouch you'd fwear him.
Yet underneath that form uncouth,
Dwell learning, piety, and truth ;
And no distortion can they find,
Who view him only in his mind.
But oh, what power mote dull than fleep,
Does o'er my torpid fenfes creep ?
Does Morpheus (bed his poppies round ?
Do frefli-pluck'd cowflips ftrew the ground ?
Do harps JEolizn lull my ear ?
Are drones of Scottifli bagpipes near ?
Do beetles wind their drowfy horn ?
Are gales from fwampy Holland born ?
In vain with fnuff rny nofe I ply,
In vain the power of falts I try, v
I yawn I nod for Cl ke is nigh (/>). J
Let
(/>) / yawn / nod for Cl ke is nigh."] The
rev. Dr. Cl ke, Vice-Provoft of Trinity College,
Dublin. He hath a very fine tafte for poetry,
which plainly appeareth by the fpecimeu annexed
to this piece, as it was firft publiflied.
On a Ladys forgetting her Riding Hat. Written by the
rev. Dr. CL KE, when Viie-Provofi of Trinity
College.
Fair Anna had no heart to give,
So left her head behind \
Bright MINA on whofe fmiles I live,
Was not by half fo kind.
THE BATCHELOR. 47
Let mifts and fogs invert my head,
Let all the fathers pen'd be read,
Bid B nt recite his fpeech (^),
F ns plead, or Garnet preach (r) ;
Set
II.
Both head and heart (he with her brought,
And both ftie took away,
And with her carried all (he caught,
THAT'S all THAT gaz'd THAT day.
III.
Ye nymphs that o'er nine wells prefide,
Jnitrudl the willing fair,
To give their hearts, whate'er betide,
And hands when they come here.
IV.
So when we fee St. John's great eve,
The fires that round do move,
Shall each inftrudi us to receive
A hand and heart that glow with love.
(?) Bid B nt recite b'n fpeeJ).'] The earl of
B 1, Knight of the Bath ; famous for his elo-
quence and perfonal accomplifliments.
(r) F ns plead, or Garnet preach."] Coun-
fellor John F s. Doctor Garnet, Bifhop of
Clogher. He wrote an excellent Paraphrafe on
the Book of Job. The whole edition may be
found at my (hop in Parliament-ftreet.
4.8 THE BATCHELOR.
Set mayor and aldermen before me,
Bid everlafting C 11 bore me,
Tell o'er again a thrice-told tale,
Drench "me with Port or ropy ale,
Be opium mingled with my drink,
My hands {han't fold, nor eye-lids wink
But thefe vain boafts avail not now,
More pond'rous Cl ke to thee I bow.
When wilt thou eafe the groaning town,
Thou old caft troop-horie of the gown ?
What haft thou with the world to do,
Or what the world to fay to you ?
Thou can'ft not now in amorous glee,
Write madrigals to fifty-three (s) -,
And
(j) Writ* madrigals to fifty-three."] Various are
the cotfjeftures of the learned on this pafFn'ge. Mr.
Kavanagh is of opinion, that it alludeth unto the
political difputes which raged in the year fifty-
three ; in which the Doctor may be fuppofed to
have wrote madrigals, to appeafe the minds of the
people. My 'nephew Totld inclineth to believe,
"that fomething is intended which he can't difcover.
For my o\rn part, I opine, that it only referreth
to the age of the lady, who had attained her fifty-
third year. It 'certainly is riot very genteel to ri-
dicule this pr.flion, which is properly called all-
powerful, to fhew that it fpflreth neither age nor
condition, ftation nor dignity ; not to mention the
example X)f Anacreon, who was choaked with a
grape-
THE BATCHELOR. 49
And friik in rhymes to pleafe the dame,
Which Chriftmas bell-man would difclaimj
Nor can'ft thou now in fulfome ftrain,
Pen Jacobite addrefs again j
And
grape-ftone, drinking the health of his miftrefs
at the age .of fourfcore: I am myfelf this inftant,
a captive to the charms of a lady who has pafled
her grand climacteric, and have addrefled many
fonnets to her, in a ftyle no lefs tender than the
Doctor's, one of which, the moft admired by my
friends, I have felected, and venture to publifh,
as a proof of my paflion, and a fpecimen of my
poetical endowments.
To the fyidsw -- , on her taking a I'smit of Ipe-
cacuanha.
I.
Soft relict, whofe enchanting charm's,
My captive heait enthral ;
Whofc frown congeals, whofe kindnefs warms,
Like honey mix'd with gall.
II.
Say, when the naufeous draught you take,
On Faulkner will you think ;
And for thy own dear lover's fake,
His health in vomit drink.
III.
Discharge, bright maid, the foul coiltcnts,
That now your ftomach bind ;
But oh ! be fure, at all events ;
Leave Love and George behind.
VOL. II. D IV. So
THE BATCHELOR,.
.And fcandalizing Alma Mater (o),
-Of right divine in monarchs chatter;
Nor can'ft thou, on extortion bent,
Raife infurrections and thy rent (/*).
-Then buzz no more, thou reverend drone,
J3ut to thy kindred earth begone.
IV.
So when in fieve, well pierc'd with holes,
Where dregs of fire do reft,
With making nought remains but coals,
To warm the riddler's breaft.
(0) And fcandalizing Alma Mater. ,] Mater, :rs
may be found in Littleton's Dictionary, is Latin
j'or Mother. My nephew Todd is of opinion,
that the Doctor muft have.hnd fome quarrel with
liis mother: for my own part, how unwilling lo-
cver I may be to find fault wiih my author, i can-
jiot but agree with Mr. Kavanagh, and other in-
finious friends, that it were better not to divulge
mily brangles.
(/>) Raife infurretfion; and thy reniJ} This re-
latcth to a recent fact which pafllxl about ten years
ago in the North of Ireland. The doctor being
unwilling, (for the benefit of the incumbent who
was to fucceed him,) that his living mould be let
.at an under value., infilled with his parifhioners,
who offered him twelve hundred yearly, to be
paid fourteen ; which they thinking unreafonable
went to law, and reduced it to the lum of 700!.
This was the firft beginning of the infurrection
called the Oak- Boys in the North of Ireland.
What
THE BATCHELOR. 51
What figure next confounds my fight,
An -Auftrian Count, an Irifh Knight (q] !
With
(q) An Irifo Knight. ~] There are feveral forts
of Knights. Knights of Malta, Knights of the
Garter, the Bath, and ThihMe, Knights of the
Pofr, poor Knights cf Windfor, Baronets arid Bat-
chelors, and the Knight of Kerry. The author
hereof was offered to be knighted in the field, by
the earl of Chellerfield in the Cal'Ue : bjit confi-
de/ring that faid honour was to be conferred by tire
pofture of kneeling, which is impollible to the au-
thor hereof, by rcafon of his member, which he
accordingly refufed to accent, making divers ac-
knowledgments for declining faid honour. This
objection was near being removed by the inge-
nuity of my worthy friend a bixth Cleik, who be-
fides his being a great fcholar and critic, is alfo a
mod excellent mechanic, and contrived a leg of
cork, with a faring joint in the knee, and turning
out its toes as naturally as one made of flefli and
blood, and in this leg I practifed the pofture of
knighthood by genuflexion, my friend holding a
drawn fword over my moulder, but being too
quick at the third rehearsal, in attempting to get
up, after faid friend had pronounced the words
4i Pufe up Sir George," I unfortunately fnapped
the fpi ing, and fell' on my chin to the ground, fo
as to be much bruifed, and would have been fore,
but for the ufe of a falve, which is fold by my ne-
phew Todd, for bruifes, maims, contufions, dif-
locations and other fcratches, in Par'iament-ftreet.
When the above leg is repaired, I propofe accept-
D 2 ing
5 2 THE BATCHELOR..
""With doleful phiz prefaging wonder,
Much German pride and Irifh blunder (r) 5
Which patriots, courtiers, frill expofes,
Miftaking both their wit and nofes (5).
No
ing the order in it, which I am told his Excellency
the Lord VifcountTownfhend is willing to confer
upon me in the fame manner as the earl of Chei'-
terfield.
(r) Much German pride and Injh blunder.'] The
Germans are fuppofed in general to be a prord
people : Julius Ciefar, and Mr Nugent, give them
this character. The iriih are very unjuftly charg-
ed for a particular talent in blundering; but it is
well known, that no people cxprcfs themfelves in
their native tongue, the Englifh, with more per-
fpicuityand precilion. The dean of St. Patrick's,
who tho' born and bred in Ireland, always declared
himfelf, when fcber, to be an Englifhman. It
will not, I hope, be confidered as prefumption,
that I add the authority of my Journal, which is
-tonfulered as a ftandard of our language ; whereas
I have always confulted the particular property of
clSclion, and may be bold to chal!enge any author
now extant, for fuch a variety of trads, written
in fo unblemiflied a purity, without any abbrevia-
tion of terminations, and abounding in the beft
chofen epithets.
(s) Mtjlaking both their wit and nsfes.] This
hereby referrethto the knight's putting the fpeech
of one member of parliament into the mouth of
another by miftake, which was not fair play ; and
likewife
THE BATCHELOR. 53-
No brain but his cou'cl e'er contain
Stories fo vapid, old, a;?d vain ;
So Plutarch tells of poilbn cold,
Which afs's hoof alone can hold.
Humour and mirth no more are found > >
For C 11 cafb a gloom around.
Lethargic dullnefs loads each eye,
Ev'n dunces pleafe, when C H's by \
Thus, funfhine, fpurks from flint conceals,
Which darknefs of the night reveals.
In Pliny's learned page it's found (*),-
That lightning cannot fea- calves wound (/) ;
Gongenul
likewife alludeth to the o!J cuftom of forvaeiiv
reckoning members of parliament in voting, by
their nofes ; but as this occafioned divers mil-
takes, when the tellers were not fharp-Gghted
enough, and could not fee thofe members that
had fmall or no nofes, and fometimes reckoned
thofe that had large ones for two, it was there-
fore abolilhed, and members are now counted by
their bodies, which is generally larger, and pre-
venteth all confufion. A particular ad of parlia-
ment was made in favour of the nofe, called, The
Coventry-aft, to prevent its being cut off, and
other accidents with impunity. The famous Mr.
Quin, the comedian, with whom I was likewife
acquainted, advifed a friend who was fubjetf to be
pulled by the nofe, to foap it, whereby it might
efcape and flip through the fingers, this not being
forbid in the Coventry-act.
D 3 (0 r*
54. THE BATCHELOK.
Congenial is the dunce's matter,
Callous to wit and pointed fatire.
Unfatisfy'd with nonfenfe faid,
He's now refolv'd to read us dead,
With pamphlets naufeating he'll puke us,
On Lord May'r's feafts and Dodor Lucas (u}..
He
(5) In Pliny's learned page, &c.] Pliny wrote
many books, and was killed by Mount Vefuvius
falling upon his head, though he always wore a
pillow fattened to the top of his wig, to fave him
from that accident.
(/) That lightning cannot fea-cafoes wound.~\ An,
animal trnt feldom appeareth on our fea-coafts^
unlefs to fimermen in the main ocean.
(a) On Lord Mayr's feajls and Doftor Lucas.
A very remarkable apothecary, and member of
parliament. He lived on Ormond-quay, in Dub-
lin, at the fign of Boyle's-Head, who was a fa-
mous druggift. He was banifhed from Ireland by
a vote of the Houfe of Common's, which confin-
ed him to Nevgate. He returned to his native
country by the fpccial mercy of- his Majefhr,'whom
he hath always continued to oppofe (for liis good)
in two parliaments, \vhere he reprefentcth the
city of Dublin. This gentleman unfortunately
tiled between the different editions of this work,
which prevented that accident being mentioned at
firft. Being one of his confHtucnts, and having
a fcarf at his funeral, riding in my chariot, which
I borrowed from one of the flier ill's, when the
greateft peers and patriots walked on foot, I- thought:
THE BATCHL^LOR; &
He Tings of beggars blind and'dark,
Like fome old fnufHing parifh clerk ;
For ftanzas vile he racks his brain,
And vainly mimicks Howard's- ftrain !
fl-
it my duty to celebrate his memory by the follow-
ing paftoral Dirge, whiclvl.fent to the Freeman's
Journal, of Saturday Nt>v. gtrr, T^yT, which I
knew it would pleafe the Doctor to h;r>-HHnfc:rted
in his favourite paper, under the title of Corydon.
The reader will obferve that I have taken, no-
tice cf the miferable, c! 5 ft reflet!, diftracletl lymp-
toms irrwhich the Doclor has left the kingdom
in general, no cocks crowing night or morning-
nor violets or primrofes blowing in our pleafuic
gardens, the Do&or having died when King
William was born, it being the fourth of Novem-
ber, 1771.
Sacred to the Memory of Dofibr CHARLES LUCAS.
I.
Come every Nymph and every Swain,
Ev'ry Dryad of the Plain,
Ye Naiads from your Streams emerge
Join me in the mournful Dirge.
II.
Tune your reeds to folemn found,
With cyprefs drew the hallow'd ground,
Fur ah! your faithful Corydon
To the Klyfian field is gone.
D4 Sec
56 THE BATCHELOR.
He writes, he hobbles, bows, and leers,
To gain a feat among the peers j
And ev'ry abject art he tries,
To prove he's qualify'd to rife.
HI.
See the primrofe droops it's head
The violets fade, the daify's dead ;
Each flow'r in forrow dies away,
The kids and lambkins ceafe to play.
IV.
The tuneful race in every grove
Neglect their fong, neglect their love.
The village cock forgets to crow,
And grief fits perch'd on every brow.
V.
Hark the folemn tolling bell,
Rings his laft, his funeral knell :
See the weeping train approach,
The black plum'd hearfe and fable coacfc,
VI.
Lo lerne by his fide
Fainting mourns her greatefl pride,
Sighing o'er his dear remains,
Her beauteous cheek with forrow ftains t-
VII.
Tnne your reeds to folemn found,
"With myrtle ftrew the hallow'd ground,
For ah ! your faithful Corydon
To the Eljrfun Dudes is gone.
With
THE BATCHELOR. 57
With panegyric he befpatters,
Degrading him he meanly flatters.
Ah ! purblind knight ! thy arts mifplac'd,
Think better of a Townfhend's tafte :
Fools only will fuch pjaife aflame,
As Hottentots think greafe perfume.
Mark with what eafe his brain creates
Speeches ne'er fpoke^ mifcall'd Debates,
'Till at the goddefs Dulnefs' fummons,
He makes one C 11 of the commons (v).-
Thou, Hutchinfon (w), whom every mufe
"With winning grace and art endues,
Whofe power 'gainft prejudice contends,
And proves that law and wit are friends,
(v) He makes one C // of the commons. ~\ -
Doubts having arifen how the deficient vowels are
to be filled up, I confulted feveral friends : my
nephew To) Right Hon John Hely Hutchinfon, Prime
Serjeant and Member for the city of Coike.
D 5 la
58 THE BATCHELOR.
In that promiscuous page alone
By letters J. H. H. art known.
In thee Malone (*), the nation's boaft,
Precifion, law, and fenfe are loft.
Andrews (_y), who knows, with various (kill,
To rule the paflions at his will,
XVho like a wife mufician feizes
The tone which beft his audience pleafes,
Wonders to find VIVALDI funk
To a vile fcraper, blind and drunk.
How oft on polifh'd Ofborne's. (z) tongue
Pleas'd the attentive Senate hung ?
\Vhile parties emuloufly ftrove
Which moft mould praife, what all approve.
Now view him in thy faithlefs ftrain,
Pert, peevifh, and perplexed as M ne (') Right Hon. Francis Andrews, Provofl of
Trinity- college, and Member for Londonderry.
(z) Right Hon. Sir William O{borne,Bart, one
of the commiflioners of the Revenue, and Member
for the borough of Dungarvan.
(a) Sir William M e, Bart, totely a Piivy-
Counfellor, and at prefent Member for Carysfort.
He id fuppofed to underftand hand-writing and ac-
compts as well as any book-keeper in Meath-flreeti
he is very fond of cyphering and arithmetic, and
every day wanteth to know more of them. .
Gilborne
THE BATCHELOR-. 59
Giftorne (b] who fays juft what he ought,
Who weighs, condenfes every thought,
Whofe logic, faftion can controul,
And ftrike conviction to the foul y
With energy no longer pleafes,
But worfe than babbling Cr m r teazes (<).
Think, falfe retailer, how each fprite,
Will haunt thy flumbers every night,
While thefe dread founds invade thine ear,
And chill thy confcious foul with fear.
" Where's Pery's (d} deep ironic fenfe ?
" Where Flood's (e] impetuous eloquence ?
* Where witty Harward's (f] well-timed jeft ?
" In thy cold tale fo ill exprefs'd ?
" Where
(1} Major General James Gifborne, Member fcr
Lifmore.
(c) John Cramer, Efq. Member for the borough
of Beltnrbet, and feventh coufin to the K 1 t-i
L s h.
(d) Right Hon. Edmond Sexton Pery, Speaker
of the houfe of Commons, and Member for the
City of Limerick.
(e) Henry Flood, Efq. Member for the borough
of Callan.
(/) The late Counfellor William Harward,
Member for the borough of Lanefoorough, he \vaj
remarkable for wit and humour, anil told many
pleafant fiories and fprightly bon mots, viz. feeing-
once an officer of the Light Infantry who was very.
D 6 - lulle,
60 THE BATCFiELOR.
" Where Langriflie (*), French (/?), an*
" JBrownlow (/'), gone ?
" Where the bright flame of Hamilton (i)i
" Dull Chemift ! all exhal'd and fled !"
^ Thy caput mortuum in their flead.
But whither, Clio, wou'dft thou rove,
Fond they descriptive pow'r to prove ?
little, with a large plume of feathers in his cap,
(faid the counfellor) " It' he had but a cork in his
" tail one might make a fhittle-cock of him :" and
at another time meeting a young 'Squire who was
juft returned from abroad, and very conceited,
*' He is" (faid the Counfellor) " fomething like
" mv 8 re y circuiteering horfe, the \vorfe lor tra-
** veiling." Thefe bon mots my friends tell me,
are not to be compared with fome of my own, viz.
what I faid to the gentleman who was angry at
being killed by my Journal, which will be feen
farther on in thefe annotations ; alfo to the Earl of
Chefterfield, on faid Earl's complaining that the
letter and paper of my Journal were not of dif-
ferent colours, whh many others too tedious to
infert.
(g) Hercules Langrifhe, Efq. Member for the
borough of Knolopher.
(h} Piobert French, Efq. Member for the town
of Galway.
(/') Right Ron. William Brownlow, Member
for the county of Armagh.
(k) Right Hon. William Gerard Hamilton, Efq.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Member for
Killybegs, in the late parliament.
4 Re fume
THE BATCFIELOR. 61
Refumc the theme, refign'd too long,
Let Howard's praife conclude the foug.
Maecenas pufPd by ev'ry quill (/),
Sits higheft on the three- fork'd hill :
And lives for ever by the praife
In Horace's and Virgil's lays (m} y
Yet
(/) Mcfcenas pujfd by ctfry quill. ] Cains Ch'nius
Mrccenas a great lover of learning, and learned
men. For his hiftory, and that of the Emperor
Au^ufius, and the whole policy of his reign, fee
Littleton's Dictionary.
(7/2) In Horace's and t'irgil's lays.] - They are
both to be had, from the hours of eight in the
morning till twelve at night, at my fhop in Par-
liament- ftreet.
I have now gone through the feveral paffages of
this admired poem, which I thought required any
illuftration or comment, and the reader will judge
how far I am qualified for the duty of a commen-
tator ; though the fuccefs 1 have already met with.
in that capacity, leaveth me little room to doubt
of the public indulgence. It would be ungrate-
ful, did I not take this public opportunity of re-
turning my thanks to the many learned friends
who have favoured me with their affiftance in this
arduous undertaking : they are fuch a catalogue of
names as would do honour to the greateft wits of
antiquity .; and the man who can boafl of the
friendship of Mr. Dean, fixih- clerk; Mr. Dexter,.
keeper of the Four-Courts Marfhalfea ; Meff. Ka-
vanagh and Croker, attorneys at law ; Mr. Tho-
mas Mullock, notary-public, ia Skinner-row ;
and
6* THE BATCHELOR-.
Yet not one ftanza of his cfwn
Has made the poet's patron known.
While Howard to unborrow'd fame,
By his own works afierts his claim :
Then let a double wreath reward
The mufe's patron and their bard.
and alderman Emerfon, of the Spinning-wheel,
Caftle-ftreet ; need not be afhamed of putting his
name to any work, in which they have been his
coadjutors. My nephew, Thbmas Todd, has been
fo often mentioned in thefe notes, that 'tis unne-
ceflary. to fay any thing in his praife, farther, than
that he is an acute critic, a great traveller, and I
have always found him very faithful and diligent
in his duty, as my foreman. To him, therefore,
this work is infcribed by
His fincere friend, and paternal uncle,
GEORGE FAULKNER.
N U M-
THE BATCHELOfc 63
NUMB E R XL VII.
Tune omnia venia. SALLUST.
The SALE of the PATRIOTS: A DIA-
LOGUE. In Imitation of Lucian's AUCTION
of PHILOSOPHERS.
'Jupiter.
OME, Mr. Mercury, fince there is a
change in administration, produce the
patriots, and fell them to the higheft bidder :
Lord Sancho under-rated them, and did not
think them worth his money.
Mercury. I have been laughing at the
rogues thefe five years, and expofing all their
vicious qualities ; the public have now fuch a
contemptible opinion of them, that there will
be few purchasers : however, I'll try. Come,
gentlemen, who bids for thefe honcil, worthy,
virtuous fenators, defcended from the patriots
f fifty-three, and of the fame principles ?
The firft I prefent . is the moft high, moft
mighty, and puiffant D of L . I fee
him up at five guineas Don't mind his looks,
he has not feen fun er moon thefe feven years,
(except
64 THE BATCHELOR.
(except at Lord Valentia's trial, and then he
did not flay to give his vote.) He would
bring in more money than the elephant, if he
were fhewn for an ./Egyptian mummy. Who
bids for the great CRUM-A-BOO, and the head
of the F s ? If any of the corporation
of Taylors purchafe him, :hey fhall have the
M s into the bargain. I wifh Lord
Sancho would buy him, he might fave him
many a pound, by keeping his accounts. He
knows how many grains are contained in a
peck . of oats, and can difcover whether the
grooms feed the horfes properly, by infpecling
their dung. He is finely qualified to ajjiji
Mr. M ng -n, in dividing a farthing into-
eenteffimal parts, as little Butler has too much.
wit for his grace. Befides, he has an excel-
lent hand at drawing up a MEMORIAL!!
wifh my printer would buy him ; it is the
only chance he has of being paid for his election
advertifements. Come, gentlemen, juft a go-
ing. Ten guineas only bid for the D of
L Why he is worth more to make
a Lord Juftice of : he has ferved in that ca-
pacity already, and carried .a money bill through
the council, with as much zeal as old Poyn*
ings. Fifteen guineas bid -once twice
thxee times 'Sir, he's yours.
Ju.
THE BATCHELOR. 65
Jupiter. The D of L , fold to
Doctor Solomon of Fleet- ftreet, for fifteen
guineas !
Mercury. The next is the famous Kil-
kenny orator, Mr, Fl d. Various and ver-
fatile are his powers, and great his abilities.
He {hall grin at a pattern for tobacco, and
carry off the prize from all the old women in
the country. He is as bold as a wolf-dog,,
and would make an excellent conftable or
bailiff. I wifti Sir Richard Johnfton would
purchafe him, to frighten, the Hearts of Steel-
He would be of more fervice than the Riot-
A& His very looks will do the bufmefs
I fet him up at 50!. and a cheap bargain he
will be at a thoufand. If I don't fell him
here, I will carry him to England, and difpofe
of him to Sir John Fielding, or the prefident
of the Robinhood Society. If the White-Boys
were in full march from Kilkenny, I'd fet
him aftride to fwing on a turnpike-gate, and,
by expostulating,- menacing, reafoning,
and exhorting, he would perfuade them to
]yy down their arms and fubmit. His quali-
fications and vigilance are extraordinary j and
like the great Lord Shaftefbury, he always
fleeps with his eyes open. - Sixty pounds bid
for Mr. Fl d, by Sir Ed d N nh m's
aunt.*
66 THE BATCtfELOR 1 .
aunt.- He is worth a great deal more, as he
poflefles the virtue of an old Roman. Mr.
Fl d is a man of public fpirit and integrity,-
and will never fell himfelf to the court for lefs
than a Vice-Treafurer's place, Once, indeed, he
was advertifed at the Cuftom-houfe, to be fold
by inch- of candle ; but that's all over. He has
continued a fleady patriot ever fince, and is
likely to remain fo. Seventy pounds bid for
Mr. Fl d ; once twice three times
Jupiter. Set him down to Mr. Sh d n;
he will make an excellent ufher to his new
academy, for the ftudy of oratory.
Mercury. The next is a new profelyte to<
patriotifm. He has- juft read his recantation
from the errors of the court ; he has not
gained much credit by it, as moft people
efteem him a fain-dried convert. Who bids-
for honeft, facetious Jack P nf by ; the
moft obliging, civil, well-bred man of his
time. He fmilcd in every man's face, fqueezed
every man's hand, and made the fame promifes
to every man. This is the identical Jack,
who played prick in the loop with fo many Lord
Lieutenants, and cheated them all ; but the
Old Soldier was an over-match for him at lair.
I fet him up' at half a crown, and will fell
Kim on credit. Three and four pence bid for
Mr.
THE BATCHELOR. 67
Mr. P nf by, by Bob. B ch. It's a
pity to part old friends Once tivice Juft a
going.
Jupiter. Hold there is a crown bid, by
Mr. A g n of the Conftitution Club.
Why, Jack may do for a waiter there He is
fit for nothing elfe I hope he would ufe
L gf d, T nf d, and the reft of Lord
Sh n n's friends well, and not ferve them
with fmall-beer when they call for wine. Mr.
P nf by juft a going half a guinea bid
by Lord M ra, F. R. S.
Mercury. I wifh you joy, my Lord ! make
him your porter, and your vifitors will be pre-
pared at the gate, to relifli your Lordfhip's
veracity in the parlour.
Jupiter. Enter, Mr. P. fold to the Earl of
M- a, for, eleven and four pence halfpenny.
Mercury. The next patriot I produce is,
Father J F tz ns. His converfion, like
Father Hurly's, was not deemed firicere ; lack
ef perfermcnt is the caufe of both. If any
Catholic nobleman wants a chamber counfel,
and a dom-eftic chaplain, let him purchafe Fa-
ther John. He can act; in both capacities, and
fitbcr appear as a Jefuir, or a Newgate Solicitor.
His voice is as melancholy as a pafling-bell, or
4 muffled drum. He nev-er gave an opinion
without
68 THE BATCHELOR,
without a qualifying IF, to fave his credit. Fife-
has made his fortune by that word. His mild
confort once cudgelled hirrr for requefling the
titular biihop of Corke to chriften his fon, IF
F tz ns, in order to exprefs his gratitude
to the monofyllable. Come, I fet him up at
three pence Who bids ? I'll fell a bargain
f him
'Jupiter. Mr. Mercury, you'll oblige by
knocking him down to this lady ; fhe has no
money, but offers an Agnus Dei, and a pair of
beads. Set him down to the abbefs of . . .
nunnery.
Mercury. Come, gentlemen, the humorous
Knight of Clare, Sir L. O'B n, who always
laughs at his own joke, to fave other people
the trouble of finding it out. He has excellent
talents for chief-joker at a city feail, and
would be reckoned a wit among the aldermen :
I wifh our patriotic Lord Mayor had made him
fecretary, when he difmifled Mac Dermot.
Sir L s is alfo an expert engineer, and
thrives like a frog in a canal of putrified water.
.- Whoever purchafes him, (hall have the
gold box he got from the corporation of
brewers fov Jinking the revenue, to raife the
price of patriots. If any of the common
council buys him, the infcription may be al-
tered
THE BATCHELOR. 69
tcred, and the gold box will ferve for Sir
Ed rd, without putting the city to the ex-
.pence of a new one, which they will be fcarce
able to afford, as I hear the Surveyor of Dun-
Icary is determined to curtail their as/Jews.
I fet him up at a (hilling. Who bids more?
Eighteen pence bid for Sir L s O'B n>
by one of the late worfhipful aldermen of
Sk inner's- alley. Ot:ce> twice three times.
Jupiter. Come, Mr. Mercury, be a little
briik ; Lord Harcrmrt \v 11 land before you
finifh the auction, if you go on at this rate.
Mercury. You fee how low patriotifm is
fallen in this Country; the fale goes on as
heavily as a fubfcription for fermons, or Doftor
Lucas's monument. Come forward, thou
Knight Errant of Kilmainham you mail not
fkulk under petticoats, as you did in the gallery
of the houfe at the Augmentation. Sir
Ed d is qualified far every thing. He is
Very candid and fincere, for he made an affidavit?
to convince the public that he is not a man
of honour a point that was never contefted.
To prove himfelf a man of fpirit, Ned firft
behaved like a lying knave and then, to apo*
logize for his behaviour, a6ted like a poltroon.
If any perfon doubts Mercury's arguments,
a priori^ let him enquire of Mr. C , <*
rt> THE BATCHELOR.
fojleriori. I mention thefe particulars, from
my efleem for Sir Ed d, as I know they will
.recommend him ,to the free citizens. Ned is
a moft affectionate father, and a man of prin-
ciples for he firft lays out his children's
money on a purchafe, then forfeits his employ-
ment, and turns patriot, becaufe he could not
obtain an additional falary. In the mean time,
he apologifes for his abfurdity, by faying it
vras at his aunt's requeft. However, Ned is
a. True Blue^ and a friend to liberty. To
(hew his REVOLUTION PRINCIPLES, and at-
tachment to the Hot/ft of Hanover , and in de-
fiance of Jack the Batchclor, he befouled St.
.DOULOGH'S well in the grofleft manner, and
afterwards gave a memorial to the commifllo-
ners, to be rewarded for ferving the revenue.
Thefe are the qualifications which entitled
.Ned to a feat in the next parliament, for the
city of Dublin: if Mr. H. does not pppofe
him, he will certainly carry the election. I
fet him up at three farthings Who bids
more ? Two pence half-penny bid for Sir
Ed d, by honeft Georgy C ck ne, the
agent. The Knight of the Port will fwear his
pint decanters, quarts, and erafe his name from
an accepted bill, and prove it a forged one.
3V
THE BATCHELOR. 7*1
Jupiter. Come enter him fold to George
^ ne Efq. for two pence three farthings.
Mercury, Suppofe we conclude the fale,
by fetting up the Free Prefs of St. Audeon's,
the Committee, and the Writers to fale.
Jupiter. A proper conclufion, Mr. Mercury;
.begin then.
Mercury. Who bids for the Writers, Pub-
Jifhers, and venders of Treafbn and Scandal,
wholsfale and retail The combers of all
grievances ; the menders of our morals, and
bad pavement ; rewarders of virtue ; punifhers
of vice; guardians t>f the conftitution; fcourges
of tyrants ; midwives to the Mufes; gentle-
men ufhcrs, and honourable panders to the
Catos, Ariftidufcs, aiwJ Bruti of Pirnlico and the
.Poddle ; the terror of alewives, extortioners,
and ladies fafhion.tbfe head-drefies. They can
defcend from the higheft to the loweftj from
the Exchequer of a nation, to the bills of an
.hedge tavern ; from the revenue, to a mutton
kidney
Jupiter. Hold! hold! Mercury; we can't
difpofe of the Committee without leave of the
King's- Bench ; Judge R nf -n may per-
haps commit you for a contempt of the court,
unlefs Mr. T inl nf n withdraws his
action : we muft poltpons the fale till that
matter
72 THE BATCHELO'R.
^matter is determined. But, not to lofe time-,
we may put up that groupe of fecond-rate
;patriots that are huddled together in the corner:
name them, Mercury, and make a lot of them.
Mercury- Come forward, gentlemen. Here
R w y, M x 11, O e, F f e,
C- m r, B gh, and the old College bed'
maker, our city reprefentative,- do* put them
up at fomething What, will nobody bid for
them ? Here, throw in B 1] m nt and
M -a. Now, gentlemen, feven and fix pence
is not a great matter : if they will ferve for no
other purpofc, you may fell them to the mer-
chants, and clap them in the niches round the
ftatue of Doctor Lucas, in the New Exchange.
Lord B -11 m nt's fine pcrfon fpeaks for
itfelf ; and as to the other, clap a chain round
his neck, and a furred gown on his back, and
the graved of the twenty- four has not a more
alderman-like appearance. Fifteen (hillings
going goingno body bids more. Gone for
Jifteen (hillings, to the Exchange committee.
[Exunt
APPEN-
APPENDIX
TO THE
BATCHELORI
N U M B E R I.
In vain to defarts thy retreat is made;
The mufe attends thee to thy filent (hade:
' Tis hers, the brave man's latelt fteps to trace,
Rejudge his acts, and dignify difgrace.
When Intereft calls off all her fneaking train,
And all th' oblig'd defert, and all the vain;
Thro' Fortune's cloud one truly great we fee,
Nor fear to tell that P y is he. POPE*
To the 1U. H ble J . P y, Efq.
S I R,
RAIJS'rS and fage politicians have
expatiated largely on the inftability of
court favour : you, fir, hp.ve experienced the
truth of their obfervations. How ungratefully
have you been treated for all your paft fervices ?
VOL. II. E The
74 APPENDIXTO
The public are pretty well acquainted with
your character ; but from my particular efteem
and regard for you, I fhall divulge fome anec-
dotes that muft do you honour, and which,
from a laudable modefty, you have induftrioufly
concealed.
I am vexed to fee you reduced to a private
Nation, and no longer prefiding at that board
where your abilities fhined fo confpicuous. As
a patriot, it mufl give me the dcepeft concern,
to fee you deprived of that influence, which
^ou fo wifely exerted in fo many boroughs and
counties for the good of your country. How
many freeholders have you relieved by gene-
roufly pen/toning them on the c ft nis, and
indulged with receiving the profits of their em-
ployments, without obliging them to lubmit to
the fatigue of the duty.
Superficial obfervers, fir, have afcribed your
late patriotic conduct to fpleen and difappointcd
ambition. They fay, that pen/ions^ titles^ and
revet-fens, were the only objects you had in
view. -That you were piqued at the refidence
of a chief governor, as it deprived you of all
hopes of becoming one of the illuflrious trium-
virate which long governed this kingdom with
fo much honour j and that your oppofition to
the court fprung from the moft felfifh and for-
did motives.
THE BATCHELOR, 75
Uut theft fpecicus objections are eafilycon*
futed. Even allowing that you propofed very
extraordinary terms for your compliance with
administration, I am fure, fir, you only did fo>
that they might be rejected with fcorn, and that
you might have a reafonable apology for dif*
playing thofe noble principles of integrity and
diiintereftednefs, which always glowed in your
bofom, though you had concealed tlicm fo in-
duftriouily for many years, that even your moft
intimate friends never once fufpecled you had
the leaft idea of them* You afted, fir, like
jjrutus in Tarquin's court : he affefted folly,
to fee u re himfelf from the jealous rage of a ty-
rant ; and you only aflumed the corrupt man-
ners of a courtier, to gain preferment.
Befides, though you had really intended ten
fupport the meafures of adminiftration, if youc
terms had been accepted, you ftill {hewed a
high degree of virtue in demanding fuch ex-
travagant ones. You meant to convince the
public how fincerely you loved your country,
by requiring fuch a bribe to betray it j for cer-
tainly a man efteems a thing in proportion td
he price he lets on it.
Your enemies, fir, have accufed you with:
want of fpirit ; I am furprifed at fuch a ca
iumny, You lately gave a moft convincing:
2 proo
76 APPENDIXTO
proof of your intrepidity in the Houfe of Com-
mons. You were hardy enough to deny a
charge, though the evidence of your own hand-
writing was againft you. A lefs zealous friend
than I am, might be puzzled to defend you j
but I can perceive the rectitude of your inten-
tions, even in your deviating from truth. It
was in the glorious caufe of liberty, fir, that
you for once condefcended to fwerve from that
nice and delicate fenfe of honour, which you
have conftantly preferved. An inviolable at-
tachment to your word, a rare quality in a
ftatefman ! was one of thofe peculiarities for
which I always admired you. But I candidly
acknowledge, that I eileem you the more for
giving up this fhining ckaraclcriftic, for the
fcrvice of your country. In that cafe, fir, a
private vice becomes a public benefit ; and it
is equally true in politics, as in morals, that
the end juftifies the means.
A perfon of your quick fenfibility, muft have
fuffered feverely on fuch a trying occafion.
You then had virtue enough to refign the cha-
ratfer of an honefl man, to attain the nobler
name of a patriot. The greater the facriticc,
the more your country is indebted to you.
As Speaker of the Houfe of Commons, you
have gained imiverfaJ applaufe. You were re
folvcd
THE BATCHELOR. 77
folved to (lock that honourable afTembly with
patriots, and, therefore, in concerted elections,
you nobly reje&ed fome members who had an
undoubted majority of votes, and would only
admit thole who promifcd to fupport your in-
tereft, and the conftitution of their country, as
thofe terms are fynonymous.
Some people are amazed, how you could
maintain fuch an influence in the Houfe, with
that fmall ftock of natural abilities which they
invidioufly allow you. But what they malig-
nantly defign as a reproach, turns out the high-
eft compliment. If you were endued with fu-
perior parts and fhining abilities, the phcenome-
non would be eafily accounted for. Your me-
rit, fir, is the greater, as you have been able to
eftecl: fuch grand things by flender means : a
general who conquers with a fmall force, ac-
quires greater glory than if his troops were
more confiderable.
Your enemies, fir, alfo accufe you of having
defcrted your grand ally on the Augmentation
Bill ; but they do not confider, that, like
Shakefpeare's apothecary, your will never con-
fcnted. You were juftly apprehenfive of lofing
your employment, and that is a fufficient .apo^
!.>332l. i8s. 2d. to maintain the fupervifors.
pf a dry ditdi*
TITE EATCHELOR. 87
The new pka to carry on this work by fub<-
fcriptlon, conveys an i/*r, in a har-
bour where a packet-boat cannot enter without
grounding ; whilft the deep and capacious har-
bour of Skerries has been neglected, notwith-
flanding repeated application from the mer-
chants of Dublin. The late Lord Sh n -n,
indeed.
92 APPENDIX TO
indeed, granted the proprietor a douceur of
2OOcJ. but he did not live long enough to reap
the fruits of his patron's bounty.
Mr. O'H ra's fifhery on the Weftern coaft,
is only known in the parliamentary accounts. If
that public fpirited gentleman had caught any
whales, I fuppofe we fhould have heard of their
dimenfions in the papers. He has enjoyed his
praemium for years, and if he has caught no-
thing, it is furely high time he fhould give
over that fport.
Behold the dangerous harbour of Drogheda,
left almojl in its natural ftate, though a fura
of money was expended on it by the celebrated
Mr.. Omer, who was permitted to fquander
500,000!. becaufe he was a convenient tool to
thofe partriotic difpenfers of national benefits.
Examine the ufelefs piers of Enver and
Bangor, built at the public charge, when the
North and South rocks, by remaining without
lights, prove fo fatal to the mariner : yet, the
inhabitants of Dublin, Belfaft, and Glafgow,
have repeatedly petitioned for the ufual indulgence.
It is well known that the inhabitants of that
coafr, pay their rents by the plunder of the
many (hips caft on thofe projecting rocks. r
In all thcle fpeciors impofitions, the chief enr
gineer had the honour of being a mere nqmiuai
truftee,
THE BATCHELOR. 93'
tr.iftee, though the jobbers had the modefty
never to employ him,
Is it not notorious, that private fortunes
have been made, and eftates purchafed, by
parliamentary gr^nti, : vvitnefs the Ballycaftle
colliery. How fhall I defcribe the Lagan na-
vigation ; a /hip failed from Belfaft to the
Weft-Indies, and returned, before a boat from
the fame port could reach Lifburn, which is
only feven miles. Yet this canal was reported
navigable !
The Shannon, that mighty river, fo cele-
brated for its barrier againft the invafion of the
MUenans, and the efficacy of its waters on
pbyfiQgonci/iy y would yet be no irifh river if it
haJ not a fhare of the public money ! How-
ever, twelve miles of this chain of lakes and
rapids, which otbcncife might have fwallowed
up the whole revenue, is now carried on by
private fubfcription. The junction of the Shan-
non with the Brefnaw, is certainly an object
of public utility, but what public benefit can
arife by carrying on the cut from Banagher to
Bellhavell, through fuch a defart tract (where
we can only diicover the towns of Athfone
and Carrick) fr.il! remains an inexplicable myf-
tcry, except to thofe immediately concerned
in thejobb.
I hope
94 APPENDIX TO
I hope what I have faid will be favourably
received by the impartial and unprejudiced,
though 1 hear my firft letter has difpleafed thofc
gentlemen who ftyle themfdves patrrots,, I
did not dip my pen in the dirt of the day, nor
entertain my readers with perfonal abufe, nor
virulent inve&ive ; yet the abettors and
compilers of thofe decent papers, the Freeman
and Hibernian Journals, who trumpet forth
the falfeft defamation, were offended. How
could I fuppofe that public truths could fo far
provoke thofe champions of freedom, Mr.
F *d and S r L ci us O'Bry n, as
to draw down their cenfure on the liberty of the
prefs^ and leave that invaluable privilege to the
protection of the CHIEF SECRETARY, and AT-
TORNEY-GENERAL.
Nov. fth, 177*.
AN ENEMY TO JOBBS.
N U M B E R IV.
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
S I R,
I Am furprifed that none of our patriotic pro-
jettors ever adopted Sir William Petty's
judicious plan for the improvement of this
Country.
THE BATCHELOK. 95
country." By comparing," lays he, " the
" extent of the territory with the number of
*' people, it appears that Ireland is much un-
*' der-peopled ; for as much as there are above
" ten acres of good land to every head in Ire-
*' land, whereas in England and France there
*' are but four, and in Holland fcarce one.
" That if there be 250,000 fpare hands
' capable of labour, v.-ho can earn four or five
*' pounds per annum, one with another, it
" follows that the people of Ireland, well
** employed, may earn one million per annum
" more than they do now, which is more
*' than the year's rent of the whole country.
" If an houfe with (tone walls and a chim-
" ney, well covered, and half an acre of land
*' well ditched about, may be made for four
" or five pounds or thereabouts; then two-
" thirds of the fpare hands of Ireland, can in
'<* one year's time build and fit up 160,000 fuch
* c houfes and gardens, inftead of the like nuni-
2 APPENDIX TO
the additional duties, before a new Money-bill
could be pafTed. The expedience of this mea-
fure was the only point in debate. It was faid,
" That large quantities of gold and filver lace,
" foreign filks, cottons, &c. might be imported
*' duty free , that by a delay of two days, fome-
41 thing might be (truck cut, to reconcile all
** parties, and prevent every inconvenience."
After fome debate, the queftion was put, and
carried againfr. adjourning. The previous mor
tion, for rejecting the bill, was carried without
a divifion.
The Prime Serjeant and Mr. Perry dif-
played their ufual abilities on this very inte-
refting point ; Mr. B e, and Mr. L e,
fpoke fo pathetically, that Mr. F. who never
wept for himfelf, like Cato wept for his friends.
He has fince declared, that his future oppofi-
tion to government, fhall be pro lono pull'uo^
neither directed by fpleen, difappointment, or
malevolence. On thefe conditions, his old
friends, the two little Ajaces, have promifed to
creep again behind his fhield, and to fhoot
their arrows from beneath its ample orb.
Every unprejudiced reader, muft be con-
vinced that the Englifh miniftry, had no in-
tention to injure our trade or manufactures,
by thofe alterations, which appeared fo ex-
ception*
THE BATCHELOR. 103
reptionable to the houfc. They have even
j'cceived their approbation, as they were adopter,
by them. ThcJe alterations were Tolely cal-
culated to preferve the Britifh commerce free
t:om any reftriclions ; and did not in the leaft
aiVec't the right of taxation, which every Irifh-
inan would maintain facred and inviolable, at
the hazard of his life and fortune.
It is always proper to undeceive the public,
and expofe the political craft of thofe difap-
pointed incendiaries, who, on every occafion,
are affiduoufly active in throwing the kingdom
into a political ferment on the flighteft occa-
fion. They refemble the honeft parfon's wife,
who put her head out of the window, and
alarmed her neighbours by the cry of " Mur-
" der, fire, thieves, robbery !" yet, on exa-
mination, this falfe alarm was only occafioned
by her hufband's having innocently kifled the
fervant maid in her prefence.
Many of my countrymen firmly believe,
that our rights and liberties, would have been
annihilated, if the altered Money-bill had not
been rejected by the Commons laft Saturday.
Though in the year 17/9, the H fe patted
an altered Mwcy-lil!, without fer\ ilely facri-
cing their privilege by doing Co ; as the right
F4 of
104 APPENDIX TO
of taxation has ever f;nce been vefted in the
reprefentatives of the people. Two {hort ex-
trafts from Boulter's State Letters, will fhew the
fenfe of the nation on this fubjecl:. " The
* Commons and feveral others without doors,
" are in a great heat about the alterations,
*' made by the council in England, to our
** Money-bill. I believe a great many wiil
*' be for lofmg the bill, rather than agree to
" the alterations. They are by all, who know
" what they are, allowed to be for the better,
" but the point infilled upon is, that no al-
*' teration whatfoever, fhall be made either in
* 4 the Englifh or Irifh Council to a Money-
" bill. It is certain, the law here, is againft
" thefe warm men, and fo are the precedents :
'* and it is hoped that the majority of the houfc
** will be fenfible of the bad confequences
" of rejecting that Bill, which will run the
** nation much deeper in debt, and that they
* will take care that the Bill pafles." In
another letter, dated the 2Oth of December,
1729, addrefled to the Duke of Newcaftle,
he fays, " In mine of the i6th, I gave your
* Grace an account of the great ftrmcnt we
'* were in here, about the alterations made in
*' our little Money-bill, by the Council in
*' England.
THE BATCHELOR. 105
" England. Yefterday came on the debate
t; about it in the houfe of commons, and after
" about four hours debate, it was carried in
'* favour of the bill, 124 againft 62. There
* have been other divifions fince upon every
" ftcp of the bill, with great inequality j but
the firft was the great trial."
To check every extenfion of prerogative,
and maintain the conftitution in its original
form, is the peculiar and indifpenflble duty
of the Commons. A generous and fpirited
oppofition to government, founded on honeft
and difmterefted principles, muft always be
for the benefit of the people but faction, un-
der the fpecious difguife of patriottfm, produces
national calamity. It may be compared to
the juice of the plant fpurtre, which will blifter
the fkin, though it refernbles milk in colour
and confidence.
I am, fir, yours,
December a 8th, 1771.
A SENATOR.
F * N U
io6 A P P E N D I X T O
NUMBER VI.
Qmd ? fi quis vultu torvo ferus & petle nudo,
Kxiguseque togs fimulet textoie Catonem ;
Viitutemne reprefentet mciefque Catonis.
IIOR.
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq. *
SIR,
EVERY political zealot thinks himfelf
qualified for a legiflator ; to maintain the
conftitution in its original form, he efleems
too flight a tafk, and a degradation of his fu-
perior abilities ; under the fpecious difguife
of patriotifm, he would abrogate thofe falutaiy
laws, which the wifdom of our anceftors eftab-
lifhed, and fubftitute the crude conceptions of his
ill informed and perverted judgment. A modern
patriot ac~ls with the public fpirit of Casfar,
who robbed the Capitol of gold, and replaced
it with gilt brafs.
In my former letter, fir, I aflerted the conftl-
tutional right of the Commons in the fhongeft
and moil explicit terms. I'faid, indeed, "It
This was written in Anfwer to a Letter figntd JEAN
J\CQVE ROVSSEAV, in thg reman,
< could
THE BATCHELOR. 107
" could hardly be expected that England will
** ever fuffer her manufactures to be taxed, or
" any reuVaint laid on her commerce by an
" Irifli Houfe of.Commons. That thofe al-
" terations in the Money-bill, which appeared
f
ientiment, (which you recommend) by invi-
tiioufly pointing out military men, as enemies
to freedom, by profeflion. In the field, they
are ever ready to defend the rights of their
country. In the clofet, they remember, that
a Britifh foldier owes his fovereign the legal
obedience of a freeman, not the implicit fub-
miflion of a flave. On this generous principle
they acted at the Revolution. " JAMES," fays
Lord Bolingbroolc, " Drew out his army
" but it was a Britifli one."
In the fame ftrain, you excruciate the un-
fortunate and aged Rouileau, by fubfcribing his
name
THE BATCHELOR. 109
name to " Clancleftine Calumny." That
original and fentimental philofopher, the friend
of liberty and truth, you degrade into a ca-
luminator, and an advocate for faction. Your
conjectures and your arguments, are equally
groundlefs. The * per Ton falfely, and malici-
oujly flandered, was not the writer of that
Batchelor, which provoked your refentment,
nor was it a joint labour. Precifion and elo-
quence in argument, graced by the traits of
a brilliant fancy, acquire new luflre by a
claflical corre&nefs and polifh which difcrimi-
nate his ftyle : his pieces appear like good
prints finely illuminated. I fhould be jealous
of his aid, for, like Vortigern, who called in
Hengift, 1 might be ruined by my ally.
You kindly confign " Military men to the -
" dance and theatre for amufement." Sup-
pofe we fhould deviate beyond the bounds you
prefcribe, and frequent the Senate. Suppofe
we fhould dare to laugh at a pompous de-
claimer, who feems to have ftudied geography
in the farce of the Upholfterer, inftead of Sal-
mon's Grammar. He who firft pointed out a
method by which *' our natural enemies might
'* ftrike at the very vitals of our on/Iitutiort y by
* C pt n J ph n,
" embark-
no APPENDIX TO
" embarking at Calais and landing at Dover I"
He who proved how impracticable it was for
the French to land in the Southern or Wejlern
parts of this kingdom, by afierting " That
" they muft fail up the Englifh channel, and
" force their way through the Britifh fleet !"
Who fhewed equal fkill in hiftory, by telling
the Houfe, that " When one of the mob fpit
41 in Timoleon's face and buffeted him, the
*' generous Greek inftead of refenting it, re-
" turned the gods thanks, that liberty was
*' firmly eftablifhed in Syracufe !" Suppofe we
fhould paint the man, who repays ferfcnal
friend/hip by perfonal abufe. Who points his
invectives in the fenate, againft thofe who
plead his caufe without fee in the courts..
The man whofe bombaft and diftorted figures
(to ufe his own expreflion) " might make
** the very benches vocal."
When faction and patriotifm are fynonymous
terms when a B wn w and a P y,
in the year 1753, deigned to vote for an
altered Money-bill, though now they affeft to-
believe it itnconjlitutlonal when we cbferve
fuch glaring inconfiftencies and contradictions,
it is proper to undeceive the public and expofc
the craft of political incendiaries. 1 have a
THE BATCHELOR. in
right to fcrutinize with feverity, the -public
characters of men, when truth and juftice are
my guides : their private actions fhould be
left to the jurifdiction of conicience. I fee
the Proteftant manufacturers drove from their
country, by the opprefiion and extortion of
their unfeeeling landlords I fee the efiential
interefts of the kingdom neglected, and every
means ufed to promote a breach between this
country and England, in order to throw an
odium on the admiuiftrauon of Lord T d:
A felfiih contcft for power, is veiled under
an affectation of public fpirit. To fee a de-
luded people carefllng men who only merit
contempt, might even create a fufpicion, that
a fcarcity of good and honeft men in the
nation, could be the only inducement ; as
Cato, on obferving fome ftrangers at Rome,
carrying dogs and monkeys in their bofoms,
afked if the women in their country did not
bear any children ?
1 am, fir, yours,
January 7th, 1771^
A SENATOR.
N U M.
APPENDIX TO
NUMBER Vil. *
RESPECT for the genius of RoufTcau,
and veneration for his character, firft Jed
me to feek his acquaintance, and to cultivate
his friendfhip : we met like men whofe fouls
had fomething congenial, and a name in the
republic of letters abridged the forms of intro-
duction, and ferved as a link to that kind of
intercourfe vhich fubfifts between men, unin-
cumbered by the clogs of the wo; Id, and the
flavifh {hackles of intereft and felfifhnefs. We
had called ourfelves Philofophers, and as fuch
we were received by thofc, who did not give
themfelves the trouble of examining into the
right by which we became our own fponfors.
In return for this complaifance, I thought my-
felf bound to conform to the world, where it
did not interfere with my happinefs, or require
a facrifice of my principles ; and when I failed
to reform abufcs, or to re&ify errors, I fat
down contented with the endeavour, and wifh-
ed more (kill, and better fuccefs to my fellow
This was written in the character of David Hume,
in anfwer to a letter figned Jean Jacques Roufleau, which
appeared in the Freeman.
labourer)
THE BATCHELOR. 03
labourers in the fame undertaking. The citi-
zen of Geneva I foon found was of a very dif-
ferent complexion : an ardent thirft for pre-
eminence in fcience ; a prurient vanity, dif-
guifed under the affectation of much fimplicity
and plainnefs j an understanding too fubtle to
be convinced ; and a temper too irritable to be
at peace, made him jealous, difcontented, and
uncomfortable. The intimacy which enfued
between us, left me no, room to doubt that he
fhunned fociety, not fo much to indulge con-
templation, as to efcape a fcrutiny, which would
reduce him to the level of that herd from which
he had retired. Heteroclite opinions, and the
fmgularity of fe&aries, were fure of his coun-
tenance ; his was a perfecution of eftablifh-
mentsj and to (hake the foundation of fyftems,
confirmed by compact and prefcription, was
his principle purfuit, his favourite pleafure, and
his ultimate ambition. A retrofpecl to the
caufe of his alienation from me, (which be-
came afterwards a fubjecl for the tables, and
the news-papers of London,) gives me no un-
eafinefs. Though his mifanthropy rudely
turned back the ftream of my benevolence on
the fource from whence it firft proceeded, yet
it has ftill enough of vigour remaining to flow
towards him in the fame gentle and temperate
current i
ji 4 APPE N D IX T O
curreiu ; and if he will riot ufe its waters to
v-'afh away the Trains of prejudice, let them
ferve as a mirror, where he may contemplate
the incongruity of philofophy with faction ;
and of profusions of good will to mankind in
general, with rancorous invectives againfl in-
nocent, and refpedlful individuals.
" The hiftory," he fays, " of the Englifli
*' nation, firft induced him to leek a refuge
*' among the fons of freedom, as he thought
" them ; and my mifreprefentatlom contributed
** to the captivating error." That is, I have
in my hiftory reprefented the people of England
as a free people my pages contain all the in-
formatioa I could collect on that important
fubje, and my ideas of the Britifh conftitu-
tion arife from the fum of that information.
So far then, as I have endeavoured to explain,
to my countrymen their right to liberty, I am
certainly a friend to freedom. " Yet Hume,'*
he fays, " is the miffionary of corruption, and
'* applauds the political ethics which himfelf
" infpired." The very reverie of his pre-
mifes will lead to his conclufion. Had he ga-
thered from my writings that Britain had no
juft claim to freedom, that every circumfcrip-
tion of monarchy was an innovation, every ex-
tenfion of the fubject's privileges, an encroach-
ment
THE BATCHELOR. 115
rnent on the royal prerogative, well might this
friend to the natural rights of mankind, have
called the arbitrary hiiloi ian a miflionary of cor-
ruption. What does the mifanthrope mean ?
Is it th^t my conversation and example are per-
nicious, nd have a more extcnfive influence
than my literary labours ? The fuppofition is
abfurd ; and yet without this abfurdity, I know
not how to collect a proportion from his in-
confiftent rhapfody.
Let me now confider his argument on a fub-
jeer, fo often difcufled in the parliament of Ire-
land, and in the fugitive publications of that
country. It is immediately palpable from what
political MENTOR, the PHILOSOPHER OF THE
ALPS has imbibed his doctrines of the Irifh
conftitution. The fentiments in his letter are
an abftract of that fenator's tenets, whofe capa-
city and perfeverance have raifed him far above
his competitors in the ftrife of oppofition. That
orator has often perplexed the wife, and afto-
nifhed the ignorant, with fine-fpun fophiftries
on this his favourite topic; and it is not the
meaneft of his triumphs, that his rhetoric has
roufed the harrafled Rouffeau again to buckle
on his armour, and enter the lifts of contro-
verfy in the caufe of error. It (hall be my en-
deavour to (hew him he is deluded by a phan-
tom ;
1)6 APPEN D1X TO
torn ; and it will be his duty to thank me for
the difcovery.
Jn reafoning on all constitutional queftions,
we ought to conlider what the conftitution and
the laws are j not what we luijh them to be, or
what we think they ought to be ; otherwifc, we
fubftitute fpeculation for reality, and the reve-
ries of every vifionary reformer, for the fub-
ftfcntial ads which hold nations in obedience to
legislative authority, fince by that coerfion the
great end of all civil inftitutions is promoted,
and the frame of government preferved in har-
mony and good order.
He afferts that the commons of Ireland only,
have a right to propound and model bills of
fupply j that the crown of England has only a
negative on fuch bills, and that it has no power
to alter them. As a friend to the immunities
of a generous and loyal people, I am forry to
inform him that many laws muft be abrogated,
and many precedents fwept from our remem-
brance, before any one of his affertions will
bear the teft of an examination. Let him look
to the ftatute of Poynings, by which it is pro-
vided, that no parliament (hall be fummoned in
Ireland, till the articles of the afts propofed to
be pafled therein, are firft certified by the go-
vernor and council, under the great feal of Ire-
land.
THE BATCHELOR. n;
land In this there is no exception of Money-
bills. Let him turn to the fourth of Philip
and Mary, which, to prevent the inconvenience
of frequent diflblutions, (and for that purpofe
chiefly) provides, that bills in the ufual form
may be certified to England, during the feflions
of parliament. In this there is no exception
of Money-bills. Let him confider the Money-
bills which have been brought from the go-
vernor and council into the houfe of commons,
and there paffed Let him furvey the Money-
bills which have been altered in England, and
parted with fuch alterations by the parliament
of Ireland. When he has done this let him
recommend to the friends of independence, not
to deny the exiflence of fuch laws and prece-
dents ; but, if poflible, to annihilate them :
nor to charge a temperate, and public-fpirited
adminiflration, with attempts to violate the con-
ftitution, when they theinfelves are in fad}, the
only innovators. He afks, " What fupport
" or exiftence has the ineftimable privilege of
" the commons, that of being their own tax-
" matters, if a rival and deilrudlive power be
" verted in the crown of Great-Britain ?" I
anfwer, that the crown does not exercife the
power, nor pretend to the power of taxing
you ; that your bills of fupply do not become
laws
u8 -APPE N D IX TO
'laws till the commons have approved and pafled
them : and that the modelling (as he calls it)
an Irifh Money-bill in England, is no more
than proposing to your confideration, for aa
uncompclled acceptance, one mode of taxing
commodities imported into your kingdom, which
England thinks preferable to that you have of-
fered for her approbation.
So far I have examined and expofed his in-
juftice and ingratitude to Mr. Hume, and his
ignorance or perverfion of the conftitution of
Ireland. It is now time to try, whether he is
more candid or better informed in his fenti-
ments of the two military gentlemen, who, he
infmuates, ** are hired to the taflc of wound-
" ing with their pens, that conftitution they
*' are paid for defending with their fwords."
A late publication in the Batchelor which he
fuppofes to be a joint-labour, (though I am well
informed of the contrary) is, he thinks, a, fuf-
ncient j unification for his contemptuous admo-
nition to both the writers, and for his malici-
ous accufation againft one of them. I have
carefully perufed that paper, and am bold to
affirm, that fo far as it goes in regard to the
late Money-bill, the pofitions are fair, fenfible,
and conftitutional. For the fake of letters, I
muft hope, that the author, (let his profeifion
be
THE BATCHELOR. 119
be what it may) will often employ his leifure
and his talents on fubjecls which he feems fo
well qualified to handle ; let him not abufe the
gifts of nature, and the advantages of educa-
tion, by mixing in fcenes of idlenefs, diflipa-
tion, and vanity : though his ftudies fhould
prove offenfive to the pretended champions of
liberty, and though the philofophic Roufleau
freps into the loofe robe of Petronius, and re-
commends, inftead of them, the exercifes of
the dance, and the allurements of the theatre.
His malice is of a deeper dye, when he addrefles
himfelf to the other gentleman ; yet though
the/e be much venom, there is little vigour in
the {haft he has aimed at him. Bafely and un-
juftly to revile the man to whofe family he be-
longs, and to whole favour he is obliged, would
be abfurd and immoral. I know from good
authority, the charge is utterly falfe and ground-
lefs. Suppofing it had even the colour of truth ;
how can Roufleau be juftified for making it pub-
lic ? It itrikes at the fortune, not at the. argu-
ments of his imaginary antagonift. If this
kin to Hermes entertains an ill opinion of his
patron, that opinion muft have been communi-
cated in the freedom of intimacy, and under
the fecurity of confidence. It muft have been
uttered_to the friend^ not to the publijbtr. He
7 knows
120 APPENDIX TO
kows no friend vile enough to betray fuch a
fe<:ret- t he knows no gentleman wicked enough
to invent lucfa a calumny. As his duty prompted,
and his capacity enabled him, he has more than
once vindicated the honour of his patron, from
the fliamelefs defamations of a licentious prefs ;
nor can that noble perfon one moment admit
the teftimony of a libeller againft the integrity
of his advocate, without giving weight at the
time, to the fame fort of fpurious evidence,
againft his own infulted virtues. The Chief
Governor knows why the names of thefe gen-
tlemen are become the fport of every news pa-
per, and the prey of every anonymous mungrel.
It may raife, but it cannot hurt them in his
eftimatton. It is, becaufe they do not look
on, and tamely fee his name reviled, his con-
du& mifreprefented, and his government ren-
dered odious. It is becaufe they can diftinguifli
between pretence and principle. It is becaufe
they have fometimes wrefted the dagger from
the hand of the lurking aflaflin, and turned the
point againft the magnifico who fuborned him.
It is in (hort, becaufe, they have done that in
the caufe of juftice, public virtue, and pri-
vate friendship, " quod quifque fuos in tali re
" factre voluijfit."
Jannary 9th, i- /7 z. DAVID HUME.
z
THE BATCHELOR. 121
NUMBER VIII.
Extremum autem przeceptufa in beneficiis, operaque
ilanda eft, ne quid contra aeqtiitatem contemlas, ne
quid per injuriain. Fundamentum enim perpetux,
commendation")*, et famae eft juftitia, fine qua nihil
potcft efle laudahile.
CICERO de Officiis.
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
S I R,
"O LINY defcribcs a fpecies of men with
* heads like dogs, Who barked inftead of
f pea king ; I fancy our complaining patriots are;
lineally defcended from thofe monfters. The
dull dcclaimers in the Freeman, Without either
precilior, in their arguments^ truth in their af-
Itrtions, or any knowledge of the fubjeft they
write on, ftill continue to pour out illiberal in-
vedives on our Chief Governor; though a
moment's reflection might convince them, that
the prefent deficiency in the revenue principally
originated from the management of that able
financier, and incorrupt patriot, Mr. P.
The late Sir Richard Cox conftantly aflert-
cd, and proved by the moft accurate calcula-
tion, that Mr. P nf - by's election to the
VOL. II. G chair*
122 APPENDIX TO
chair, and fupporting him in it, coft the na-
tion one million fterling. Sir Richard formed
his eftimate by the feveral parliamentary grants
for different jobbs, including the penfions be-
llowed by government on Mr. P nf by's
friends, from the year 1754, when Lord B f-
b gh was appointed Lord Jujlice, to the year
1764, when Mr. P. vainly imagined himfelf
firmly eftabliflied by the family compaft. In
the year 1765, he became chief contractor for
doing what was called the King's bufmefs, that
is, procuring the ufual fupplies ejjentially requifitt
to the fupport and defence of the kingdom. For
thus gracioufly condefcending to fervc his coun-
try, he enjoyed the invaluable privilege of con-
dueling every jobb in the Houfe of Commons,
and of lavifhing the public revenue, to influ-
ence and carry on elections in the country.
Such were the grand objects of Mr. P nf
by's adminiftration, when he predded in the
houfe, and at the board.
The expence of the revenue eftabli/hment
annually increafed, from 69,658!. 155. 2d.
till in the year 1769 it amounted to 117,714!.
45. aid. By this means Mr. P. became in-
toxicated with power, and fought government,
(as BROGHILL cxprefles it) *' in its own ar-
" mour, and with its own weapons, at the
" head
THE BATCHELOR. 123
54,092
ended atLady-day
1745, the revenue
eftabliftimcnt a- j
mounted to
THE BATCHELOR. 125
1. s. d.
54,092 2 2i
|
Which in the
year ending
T j ? y 3> 2 59 J 4
Lady - day J J
1759, was
Increafed charge 29,167 ii Ii
INCIDENTS. .
Year end ins Lady 1
( 15,566 13 o
day 1744.
Year ending Lady ^
day 1769. J * ' J '^
Increafed charge in incidents 15,887 17 15.
45>55 9
Mr. P. thus appropriated the fum of 45,055!.
for the maintenance of his civil li/i- The of-
ficers of the revenue, inftead of minding their
duty, employed themfelves in election-jobbing,
as the moft effectual recommendation to their
patron. A total relaxation of difcipline took
place among Mr. P.'s troops. - Collectors,
might embezzle his Majefty's ca(h, and even.
lend up falfe returns for their receipts, to apo-,
Jw^ize for- not anfwering an acquittance. If
G 3 they
126 APPENDIX TO
they could influence a burgefs, or command
two or three votes, they were efteemed excel-
lent officers, and received the thanks of the
rirft Commiflioner.
Nothing can be more abfurd than to fee a
fet of men affecting to be patriots by exclaim-
ing againft every thing that tends to improve
the revenue. They muft know that they ul-
timately diftrefs their country by this conduct;
the civil and military lift muft be kept up for
the fake of the whole ; and fome gratifications
are neceflary, not only as rewards to merit,
but to alleviate the misfortunes of families
fallen from their rank and affluence, who
would otherwife be reduced to obfcurity and
indigence.
The greateft infult, and indeed impofition,
on the public, is, to fee thofe who already en-
joy preferment, and thofe who expecl: it, dif-
trefling their country by an affeflation of vir-
tue tho' they brand ifh the fword of oppofi-
tion with one hand, the fupplicating palm of
the other is extended ; like the fpiritual eye of
a Swadling preacher, up-lifted to Heaven in a
fervour of devotion, whilft the carnal one is
caft down, to count the (hillings, and compute
the godly gains extorted from a deluded audi-
ence.
Whoever
THE BATCHELOR. 127
Whoever examines the penfion lift, will
find that no families have loaded their country
fo unmercifully as our prefent bawling patriots.
They even obtained penfionary favours for years,
that the prejudice they had done their country
might not ceafe with their lives, and that they
might {hew their ingratitude to government
without injuring themfelves.
The public, caught with the mere found of
their prefent profeflions, do not fee that tha
national revenues have been mortgaged, and are
likely to be again mortgaged, to fupply the in-
fatiable demand of thofe pampered patriots on
a fecond converfion. This we may expedt,
whenever their own noife, and the public cre-
dulity, (hall raife them to fufficient confequence.
June 5th, 1771. VECTIGAt.
Q-
NUMBER IX.
BROGHILL's ANSWER
T O
SINDERCOMBE.
OUR letter gave me fome fat is fact ion- .
not that I admit the authenticity of your
G 4
128 APPENDIX TO
facts, or admire the force of your arguments,
not that I think the public will be better en-
abled to judge of the meafures of government,
by the communication of your fentiments, or
t.-.at the Lore! Lieutenant will be reformed by
the feverity of your animndvernons : but, as
a well-wither to the perfon and administration
of his excellency, I am plea fed to find that a
\vriter of no dcfpicabls talents, is obliged to
refort for the materials of invective, to the ftale
refufe of news-paper anecdotes, and the explod-
ed calumnies of vulgar detraction. You have
colle^ed the remnants of both, with a mali-
cious induftry, and tricked them out in all the
of antithefis, and the fccor.d-hand frip-
t;y of imitated periods. You have kept a
reverend eye upon that great Homer of defa-
mation, Junius; and, like your mafter have
created a monfter of your own imagination, in
order to fiiew how ingenioufly you can rail at
it.
There is fomething very inconfiftent in the
advice with which you begin your letter, that
Lord Townfhend fhould think it worth his while
(your own elegant exprefiion) to deliver down
unimpaired to pofterfly, a name diftinguifhed
hy the virtue of his anceftors,when, at the fame
time, you dx> every thing to prevent the bene-
fit
THE BATCHELOR. 129
fit of your own admonition, at once throw-?
ing dirt upon his reputation, and warning him
to take care it may not be fullicd.
A writer whole principal aim, like yours,
is to rail, muft trace up every political event
to a corrupted fourcs. Accordingly in reject-
ing fome pretended caufes of L d T d's
appointment, your very candour is no lefs ma-
licious than your fagacity, in fixing upon
that which appears to you to be the true one.
The interefl of families is generally the fame,,
and a great ftation, obtained by the juft. re-
putation of brothers, is feldom held upon ig-,
nominious conditions, or ufed for unworthy,
purpofes.
Full of the beft intentions towards, the coun-
try he was to govern, he opened his firft fef-
fion with the promife of a law to fecure the i;i~
dependence of judges ; and why that promife
was not fulfilled in its utmoft extent, muft be
afked, not on this fide of the water, but per-
haps of a quondam minifter, whofe jefuitical
politics feldom had any higher view than to
fecure his own department from encroachments*
by impeding the bufmefs and diminiihing the
credit of every other. The public, however,
have little to regret, as no inconveniencies have
been known to refult from this difappointment,
G 5 and
130 APPEND I X TO
and the attainment of ten fuch laws, to fecure
what was never invaded, could not be confi-
tlered as equivalent to that which was never ex-
peeled, though fo often demanded, the limita-
tion of parliaments.
It is difficult to determine upon what au-
thority you fo confidently afiert, that his E y
never intended, that is, never wifhed to give
either. Is it the flirewdnefs of your own con-
jecture ? or has it been fuggefted to you by
that gentleman of popular manners, whom you
reprefent fo honourably contending againit go-
vernment, in its own armour, and with its
own weapons, at the head of his revenue-legion
of collegers, furveyors, waiters, fearchers,
packers, and guagers ! He, indeed, might have
told you, that, as to himfelf, he never wifhed
fuccefs to the limitation bill, notwithftanding
his pretended zeal for it ; that he had found
more than one Chief Governor, on whofe
fympathy he could repofe the infmcerity of his
bofom, and knowing little more than the fta-
tion of Lord Townfliend, concluded that would
operate as it had done before, for the gratifi-
cation of his private views, which were gene-
rally incontinent with his public declarations.
Were thefe authorities however more powerful,
the ftubborn fact would not bend before them.
We have the Jaw, and the people have paid the
honeft
THE BATCHELOR. 13!
honeft tribute of their gratitude to him, who
difdained an under-hand ftipulation to obftru&
it, whole name will appear with unrivalled luftre
in the records of parliament, and whofe me-
mory will be revered while there is any fenie of
independence, or any abhorrence of oppreffion,
in the yeomanry of Ireland. You next tell
us, that the fuccefs of the augmentation was
the principal object of the adminiftration ; and
you impute the mifcarriage to his want of ma-
nagement, though you enumerate a catalogue
of difficulties, which made fuccefs almoft im-
poflible. Thus hurried along by a rage to cri-
minate, you either confound the charge with
the justification, or (which is more likely)
you fuppofe the incautious reader may do it for
you.
Some circumftances unfavourable to the
meafure he could not forefee, and others, from
a regard to his own dignity, he could not wifli
to prevent. Of the firrt fort were, the clof-
ing the committee of fupply, (which could
not be kept open till the enabling at, pre-
vioufly neceiTary for the augmentation of the
forces, was pafled by the legiflature of England)
and the clamours raifed againft the army there,
and in America, for interpofing at the defire
of the magiftracy in both countries, to fup-
G 6 prefs
132 A PPEND^IX TO
prcfe riots, aivd reftore order, for which no ci-
vil authority was found fufficicnt. Of the fe-
cond, was the claufe o-f diflblution in the li-
mitation bill, agreeable to the true fpirit of the
law, as fuch the object of the people's wim,
nnd therefore entitled to the recommendation
of government. But the great difficulty* and
the great offence of all, remains to be accojnr.J
for, the alienation of parties from government.
The public have Jong known this was the real
caufe of oppofition, but till you appeared, no
one was found hardy enough to impute it as the
crime of adminifrration. To fee the bufmefs
of the nation conduced without the venal con-
currence of a rapacious confederacy, had Jong
been the wifh and the defpair of the people.
Thofe who reverenced the digni;y of the crown,
were ferry to fee it degraded by the fupinenefs
on timidity of its reprefentatives. Too many
adminiftrntions had been dirtinguifhed by events,
of no greater importance than new accefiiona
of influence to connections already over-grown,
and the fhaaieful barter of the favours of go-
vernment, to fecure the repofe, or to gratify
the avarice of the governor. No wonder then,
when a- new fpirit of activity and difmtcrefted-
neffr appeared at the Caftle, that new maxims
fbowld b adopted, and new pretences held out
THE BATCHELOR. 133
by the diftppointed brokers in parliamentary
traffic - without changing ther principles,
they fuddenly changed their conduct, and
united ail their flrength to harrafs him whom
they could neither feduce nor intimidate. The
well difciplined cohorts of L n r and
S h n, fell into the ranks at the full tap of
the drum , and the motley bands of P y
were cajoled and menaced into obedience. A
body of independent irregulars joined the
flandard, not the caufe of opposition, and
after difputing every inch of the ground,
victory was decided in their favour by an in-
confidcrable fuperiority. It required no fmall
degree of fpirit to look this formidable alliance
in the face, and nothing but the greateit cir-
cumfpedion could have prevented its being
itror.ger.
So far your capital objection to him as a
ftatefman, is without foundation ; yet admit-
ting, as I do, that the fuccefs of the augmen-
tation was his principal object, I fhould be
at a lofs how to defend his fufficiency, had he
again been baffled ; but, to the confufion of
your own argument, you are obliged to ac-
knowledge, that in this meafure he has fuc-
ceeded ; and let the voice of truth tell you
how; with fiich peculiar felicity, as to give
at
1 3 4- APPENDIX TO
at once new vigour to the crown, and new
fecurity to the people ; to unite in its fupport
the real patriot by his principle, and the
falfe one by his pretence, to leave even jea-
loufy wiihout a fear, and ingenuity without
one colourable objection. But is feems you
are as much offcndeJ with the new modification
of the meafure, and the terms upon which it
was obtained in the fecond feffion, as at its
not being obtained at all in the former. You
are hart to fee mnjefty defcending from the
throne, and capitulating with the people. I
have never underftocd that an amicable agree-
ment between the icing and the fubjecl:, for the
mutual benefit of both, has been ever con-
fidered as a degradation of royalty. The
crown has often made exchanges of a fitr.ilar
nature, furrendering prerogative for revenue j
and fome of the greateft improvements of the
conftitution have arifen from fuch a commerce.
Had his majefty, or his reprefentative, meanly
flipulatcd with ir.divlduah for the fupport of
his meafures, and, according to what fecms
to be the great myftery of your politics, pro-
mifed or bribed them into compliance, the
King might then indeed be faid to have de-
fcended from his throne and to have proftituted
the royal dignity. -Your profecution againft
him
THE BATCHELOR. 135
him as a ftatcfman being clofed, you proceed
to arraign him as a fenator and a foldier. A a
impartial account of his conduct in both thefe
relations, would be his beft panegyric and
your fulleft refutation. His ample fortune
and fplendid expectations, his voluntary en-
gagement in an unlucrative and perillous pro-
ieffion ; the fpirit with which he relinquifhed,
and with which he refumed it ; the teftimony
cf the generals he ferved under, and of the
armies he commanded, have all contributed to
fet a fcal upon his cbarader, and are fuch
memorials to his honour, as the moft ingenious
malice will never be able to efface.
You are grofsly ignorant of, or you grofsly
mifrepreient the motives of his parliamentary
conduit. He patronized the militia bill, and
and the Duke of Cumberland was no friend to
it. This was the caufe of their mifunder-
iranding. He preferred the dutv he owed his
country to every other confideration, and dif-
charged it faithfully, though the temporary
tiifappointment of his military ambition, and
the frowns of a prince, were to be the forfeit.
When that prince difcountenanced a meafure
fo congenial to the Englifh conftitution, he
oppofed Mr. T fh d, not Mr. T ft d
him. -As to the reft, I will not difturb the
little
136 APPENDIX TO
little triumph of your fancy, but rather thank
you for that play of wordy, which have led
you from things to found, has fpared me the
trouble of an anfwer to an accufation too
frivolous to dcferve one.
There remain but twa particulars more to
be noticed, and then I fhall follow you to a
conclufion. L d T d's corre&ion of
Col. L tt 1 by a political bravo, is no lefs
falfe than his launcirig the thunder of a rever-
fionary challenge at Dr. L s. The
mentioning Col. L tt 1's name in the H.
of Commons was merely accidental, and, from
the circumftances of the time and the occafion,
could not polTibly have happened from fuggef-
tion or preconcert. It' is in vain to refer you,
to all the members of the houfe who were
prefent, for you knew the falfehood before
you publifhed it'. As to the venerable infirm
member, his own petulance drew upon him
a reprimand which his vanity chofe to interpret
into a challenge, yet L d T d's words
bore no fuch meaning, nor were fo undcrflood
by any perfon prefent.
At your conclufion you labour hard in the
affected ftrains of ungenuine pathetic, to give
a mournful description- of deceafcd merit at
the cxpence of the living, and your impotence
feems
THE BATCHELOR. 137
(eems to encreafe in proportion to your efforts:
difeafi and death^ triumphs and lamentations,
funeral obfecjuies, a venerable matron, fiends
and heroes, Greeks and Romans, graves and
monuments, arc all grouped in the gloomy
pifture.
While the yet undecided fate of Canada
nnd of a Britifh army were depending, the
general who fuccecdcd to the command, had
no leifure to cull fuch flowers of rhetoric to
dock thj grave of the departed conqueror ; but,
being himfelf a foldier, he paid a more judici-
ous tribute to the merit of his colleague, by
publicly teftifying that his intrepidity and
ikilful operations had enfurcd the victory.
I muft fpend a few words more to detect
another calumny, which has baflifully retired
from your text into an humble note, where
you accufe him of ufurping General Monckton's
province, and ignorantly or arrogantly figning
the capitulation. After the death of General
Wolfe, General Monckton was carried on
board a fhip in the river, wounded, as it was
thought mortally j and the command devolv-
ing upon Lord Townfhend, it was his duty
and his province to fign the capitulation.
Having now done with your letter, allow
me to fay a word or two to your perfon, and
to
i3 APPENDIX TO
to gucfs at your chara&er by the marks of it
in your competition.
You are not the friend of the community in
general, for you wifh to fee all power engrofT-
ed by a few individuals : you are not the
friend of Irifh liberty, or of Englifh govern-
ment, for when you wifh the tone of preroga-
tive may never be relaxed, you wifh it at the
hazard of the people's affections and at the ex-
pence of the conftitution of Ireland. Having
told you what you are not, let me now tell
you what you are. You are the friend of
fuccefsful corruption, and an enemy to Lord
Townfhend, becaufe he does net practife the
art of corrupting. You are the admirer and
humble imitator of Junius, and the fellow-la-
bourer in the great harveft of fedition. The
fignature you have chofen is perhaps expreflive
of your difpofition, take care that it may not
be an omen of your cataftrophe j fmce you
would leave behind you, a reputation at beft
but infamoufly ambiguous ; to be refolved
by your friends into an aflafiin, and by your
enemies into a fuicide.
March 31!, 1770.
Z BROGHILL.
N U
THE BATCHELOR. 139
NUMBER X.
Scis Proteu, fcis ipfe ; neque eft te fallere cuiquam,
Sed tu define velle. VIRG.
To J. P Y, Efq.
S I R,
A LTHOUGH the late rapid declenfifcn of your
** * importance, or, in the words of one of
your moft fubfervient devotees, " the piteous
" condition of a finking man, may feen\ to
" claim an exemption from \^ freedom of the
" prefent times, which fpare none connected
788 } 474 II 4!
of Accounts, J
To which was added, fol
much difpofecl of by ad-
drcfs of the Houfc of
Commons, in iefiton 1769, }> 17,994 I 51
being a balance due from
Mr. Prat, late deputy
vice -treafurer,
Difttli&d collectors, .' < " 14,060 14 10*
820,529 7 yi
1094, a Awing on the army, was deducted
from the debt in the public accounts, by the
Committee to whom they were referred.
Struck off.
Arrear of penfions, - * 2,514 8 4^
of officers widows 24,237 5 I i
- of half- pay 11,457 14 I
38,209 7 71
782,320 o ol
820,529 7 7i
Funded debt remaining un- 1
drawn at Lady-day, 1771. 5 725 '
H 2 On
i 4 8 A P P E N D I X T O
On this ground, the Attorney-General pro-
pofed the following resolution, " That the
* debt of the nation at Lady-day, 1771,
* e amounted to the fum of 782,320!."
Mr. Hufiey moved for another refolution,
///, the duties on all fluffs ufed for bleaching
and dying, arc taken off; new regulations
adopted, to encourage our ftaple manufacture,
and additional duties impofed on all foreign
linen. By Sir William's judicious and folid
remarks, it was evident to the cnndid and im-
partial, that the pulKc alone could fuffer if the
acl: expired ; as the hereditary revenue would
rather be incrsafed^ and the crown rendered mor-e
independent. How abfurd, then, was it to fup-
pofe, that a limitation of the bill to four years
could operate as a check on the prerogative ?
If a conteft between the executive power,
and the commons, (hould again occafion a pro-
rogation, who would wifh to fee the commerce
and manufactures of the kingdom effentially
injured, by not inferting a claufe, which is
chiefly calculated for the eafe and benefit of the
fubjecl-, and the extenfion of commerce ?
The apprehenfion of this might damp the fpi*
rited efforts of our patriots in the caufe of free-
dom, arid induce them to accept of a Money-
bill, originated in the council, agreeable to Poyn-
VOL. Ii. I i n
j 7 o APPE ND I X TO
ings' law ! Thus, fir, the conftitutional inde-
pendence of the commons is fecured by that
very obnoxious claufe ; without it, they might
be induced, through pity and compaiEon, to
iacrifice their h gal privileges for the fake of the
people.
Ever fince the year 1726, that claufe has
been conftantly inferted ; the rejection of it
muft have been deemed an innovation. Cer-
tainly, fir, it is not treating his majefty with
the refpet and confidence he deferves, to
throw out malicious infuiuations, and manifeu;
an unjuft and groundlefs fufpicion of hiir.
The Englifli miniftry, in feveral inftances,
have proved themfelves friends to the true iu-
tereft of this kingdom. To conciliate the fa-
vour of government, by all proper means., is
true policy, and fhould be tiic aim of every
honeft man, who is neither fcrvile nor faflious.
If our patriots, by their late conduit, fliould
acquire the favour and efteem of the public,
I would exclaim with furprizc, like the Spar-
tan who caught his deformed, difgufting wife,
in. bed with her gallant : " Wretched man,"
Fays he, " what dire neceflity could drive
* f thee to this ! '
I am, fir, yours,
O A SENATOR,
THE 13ATCHELOR. i 7 i
NUMBER XV.
Judiciorum defiderio, tribunitia poteftas effiagitata eft:
judiciorum levitate, ordo quoque alius ad res judi.
candas poflulatur. Judicium culpa atque dedecore,
etiam cenforium noinen, quod afperius antea populo
videri folebat, id nunc pofcitur : id jam popuLi e t
atque plaulibile fadtum eft.
CICERONIS Oratio pro L. Muraina.
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
S 1 R,
T AST Saturday I attended the debates in
* ' the houfe of commons, on J ge R n'>
conduct. Their fpirited and liberal proceed-
ings deferve the higheft applaufe. Moderation,
candour, and impartiality diftinguiflied tn^
Speaker : he {hewed him felt" (what he has al-
ways been) a ftrenuous friend to liberty, and a
determined opponent to every fpecies of op-
prefllon. His profound knowledge in the laws
and conftitution of his country, conveyed in a
manly drain of commanding eloquence, diffi-
pated every doubt, and ftruck convi&ion to
every heart. Mr. P ry appeared like a
Hampden or Hollis, afierting the rights of the
fubject, againft the arbitrary and illegal mca-
I 2 Cures,
172 APPENDIX TO
i"ures, fanclioned by venal prerogative lawyers,
\vho meanly proftituted themfelves to a tyran-
nical court. Mr. F d's impetuous elo-
quence, grounded on the firm bafts of truth and
juftice, captivated the paflions, and convinced
the undevftanding. Couniellor Fitz ns,
in the true fpirit of his prefcnt^ and original
profeflion, attempted to anf58,709 yds. value 1,033,931!.
Increafed in export?,
3,564,381 yds value 237,625},
In the year 1744, the quantity of Irifh linen
receiving bounty, was 2,100,000 yards. In
I 7$> 3>4o,coo yards. It now exceeds five
millions. It muft give every friend to his
country, the moft fincere pleafure to obferve
16 the
i8o APPENDIX TO
the prefent flourifhing ftate of our linen ma-
nufacture. I {hall lay before the reader, our
exports for the three lafi years.
In the year 1769, 1 1->1^->1^S y ar ^s.
In the year 1770, 20,560,754 yards.
In the year 1771, 25,376,805 yards.
The bounty paid on the exportation of Bri~
tifli and Irifh linens, for thirteen years and a
half,, amounted to 492,153!. 6s, 7d. The
medium this year was 45, 257!. of which 23,130!.
to Ireland, and 22,497!. to Great Britain -
Let every Irifhman remember, that we are in
debted to Lord T d for a renewal^ and
an addition to this bounty, in the year 1770.
Mr. Grenville aflerts, that the " Exports
" from Ireland to the Britifh colonies, have
" encreafed fince the peace, upon a medium
*' of five years, 101,702!." We may depend
on this calculation, as Mr. Bourke pafles it by
unnoticed in his accurate Obfervations on the State
of the Nation. Though Mercator's remarks
may be jufr, " That the linen trade declined
44 foon after the late peace," yet that check was
b>it momentary; our encreaiei exports to
America, fiuce that period, prove beyond a
poffibility of doubt, that our ftaple manufacture
was never in a more flourifhing date.
In
TH-E BATCHELOR. 181
In the year 1769, the Manchefter manufac-
turers prefented a petition (fupported by Lurd
Strange, and fir George Saville) for a bounty of
three half- pence a yard on all checks. If this
petition had been carried, it would have ruined
our linen manufacture, by operating as a
bounty 0/45!. per cent, againft ir j .for every
one converfant in bufinefs knows, that Man-
chefter is fupplied with Ir-'fh varn> and that our
home manufacture is efientially injured by the
large exportation of yarn from Derry, Dro-
gheda, and other ports. What would have
been our fituation in a fhort time, if this
fcheme had fucceeded ? -In the committee,
the petition was rejected by only a majority of
one The meafure, at that time, was pre-
vented by his Excellency's cnre and vigilance.
In the year of 1770, another petition was
prefented by the Manchefter manufacturers.
An application was then made by the Linen-
board to the Lord Lieutenant, and a memorial
drawn up on the fubjcct. Mr. A n was
inftantly difpatched to England, and by his
comprehenfive knowledge of our linen trade, he
was enabled to fet the matter in fo ftrong and
clear a light, that the attempt agiin failed of
fuccefs. It is well known, that his Excel-
lency perfonally interefted himfelf in this affair,
and
182 A P P E N D I X T O
and by hisa;Tiduity, and ftrenuous reprefentations
to the English miniilry, and by private letters
to his particular friends, he obtained fuch an in-
fluence in the Englifh houfe, that our linen
trade was prefervcd from ruin, and the bounty
on Englifti checks limited to an halfpenny per
yard.
It is evident, Mr. WagftafFe, that an ex-
tenfion of our trade depends on the favour of
Great Britain : the people of England, in ge-
neral, are extremely jealous, and are perpetu-
ally foljciting the commons for bounties, which
indirectly ftrikc at the flraple commodity of this
kingdom. We are indebted to the miniftry,
and the friendly aid of our Chief Governor, for
preventing the intended blow : it is, therefore,
our duty and intereft to act on conciliating
principles, and not raife a violent clamour on
trifles, merely from pcrfonal and felfifh motives.
If our patriots act on public-fpirited principles,
let them abolish that difgraceful privilege, which
diftinguifhes them from their fellow-fubjech,
and exempts m rs of p nt from the
obligation of acting like bane/l men.
To provide a maintenance for the indigent,
and force thofs to work who are a burthen to
the community, would remove a national dii-
grace : our ftreets and roads are filled with
objects
THE BATCHELOR. 183
objec-h that excite both horror and compaffion.
A relaxation of the penal laws would enrich,
improve, and and prevent the depopulation
of this country. Beggary and luxury are
feen here in exftremes. To revive trade in the
capital, is not fufficient ; nor will fuch a
narrow fuftem of policy bz of eflential
iervice. A paralytic perfon may have warmth
at the heart, though the extremities are cold
and fenfelefs. Hibernia, in its prefer) t Hate,
might be exhibited like Anfon's failors, " who
tc dreflcd themfelves in the laced and embroi-
" dered cloaths of the Spaniards, and put them
" on over their own dirty trowfers and jackets."
T r
1 am, hr, yours,
Y A MERCHANT.
N U M 13 E R XVII.
.
O fortunatis illinium, fua fi bona norint. VJRG.
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
S I R,
ANTZ, in his hiftory of Greenland,
defcribes " a kind of fifli, that has a
large head, and eyes like an owl ; the
" Green-
jS 4 'APTENDIX TO
" Greenlanders call them Ingeminifet , becaufe
" they growl when they dive down." Our
patriots bear a fbiicing refemblance to this
fifh : with vifages diftorted by envy, difap-
pointment, and affefted grievances, they groan
in fpirit, from their retreats, and infidioufly
attempt to infufe their own gloomy ideas
into their countrymen.
The deficiency of the revenue has furni/hed
ample field for patriotic declamation, though
it may be eafily proved, that the balance of
trade in our favour, is proportionate to this
very deficiency ; for the revenue arifes from
the duties on our imports, which chiefly
confift of foreign luxuries ; confbquentlv,
national commerce (by which 1 mean our ex-
port trade) may be in a flourishing ftate, when
our revenue is at the lowcft ebb. The ab-
furdity then of fuch logic and complaint?,
muft appear evident to the unprejudiced and
impartial.
Our patriots, indeed, can readily difcover
the fource of all our misfortunes. A decay
of trade, bankruptcies, poverty and idienefs,
are all originated by the baneful influence of
government : thofe ingenious gentlemen offer
an eafy folution for every difficulty. The
proteft and prorogation were lojig held out to
1 the
THE BATCHELOR. 185
the ignorant multitude as the fole caufe of the
dearnefs of corn, and high price of prcvifions.
ouch profound politicians reafon like Lapland
philofophers, who fay when it thunder?,
" that two women are ftretching and flap-
" ping a dried feal-fkin, and the thunder pro-
*' ceeds from that rattle."
I think it might be eafily demonflrated, nor-
withftanding all our complaints of the op-
prefiion and injuflice of England, that we
have ftill ample refources within ourfelves ;
that we might extend our trade, and improve
our agriculture, if our nobility and gentry had
public fptr'it^ and our manufacturers honefty
-and induftry. The extortion and rack-rents
of our landlords depopulate and ruin tfie
kingdom. Every neceffary of life is as dear
in Dublin, as in London, though we have
not the thoufandth part of its commerce,
opulence, or circulating fpecie. Some years
fince, we carried on an advantageous, though
clandeftine trade with Spain and Portugal, by
annually exporting camblets and fluffs to the
value of 300,000! .. This we have loft, by
falfe package^ and other frauds and impofitions.
We even fee that neither the afiiduity and
care of the Legiflature, nor the laudable zeal
and vigilance of the Linen-board, can effec-
tually
186 A F P N D I X TO
tually fuppreis the fcandalous practice of frau-
dulent lapping, and other mean cheats fo
univerfally complained or, in our linen manu-
facture.
1 ill fome vigorous meafures are adopted, to
check the illegal combination of our workmen,
it will always be in the power of a t'et of
drunken, diforderiy fellows, to blait every judi-
cious and beneficial fcheme for the improvement
of our manufactures and extenfion of our com-
merce. A ftrong inftance of this appears in an
excellent pamphlet, entitled, " An addrefs to
** the Reprefentatives of the People." *' A few
' years ago," fays this fenfible writer, " we
" had fome expectations of gaining a little
" foreign trade for ready-made {hoes, and I
." think premiums were given by the Dublin
( Society to the exporters. Hence we were flat-
" tered with the hopes of this becoming a branch
" of fome little profit to the nation, (ince every
" pair of (hoes that fhould be exported, would
" be a clear gain to the kingdom : but this
" hope was dettroyed in its bud. Thejourney-
." men flioe-makers turned out for wages, and
" the mafters remained (tiff for three weeks or
" a month, in fo much, that the public were
" tallow, wool, beef, butter, pork, hides y
" fifh dried, &c.
* Thefe articles, circumftanced as we are, I
e conceive, fliould reduce the attention of this
&'<:.
It is notorious that juftice is more imparti-
ally adminiftered than ever, by the appointment
of fherifts : to maintain a (rrict impartiality in
counties, where ftrong divifions prevail, the
fheriffs are frequently nominated alternately from
each party.
Appointment of the five commijjioners of cxcife*
The judicious (Economical regulations al-
ready adopted in the revenue, prove their utility.
In
THE BATCHELOR. 209,
-r-rln a few years Mr. P nf by raifed the
charge of collecting the revenue by incidents,
?V. 45,000!. per aim. In a few months the
new board have diminifhed them above 7,000!..
per annum.
Cominijfionei's of accounts.
It is a fact, that the Lord Chancellor, and
the Barons of the Exchequer, neither did, nor
had leifure to examine the national accounts,
with accuracy and precifion. The faving to
the nation, by the eftabliftunent of this board,,
will be confiderable, as will moft,evidently ap-.
pear next feflion of parliament.
And laftly, by great mifreprefentatlon of the
whole IriJJ) nation.
Where did the lying author collect this ?
It is probable, that if his Excellency, after the
prorogation, had represented the conduct of a
violent, difappointed faction, to have been the
general fenfe of the kingdom, this parliament
had never met again. It is evident from that
event, that both the Chief Governor, and the
Britifh cabinet, formed a very different idea,
nor were they miftaken ; fpr the fenfe of the
parliament, when they met, and the fenfe of
the whole nation, has proved very different
from the language of the Free Prefs, and Pro-
tcfting Lords, which are no more than a weak
6 and
210 APPENDIX TO
and contemptible imitation of the feditious lan-
guage of the contemptible fupporters of the
Bill of Rights, at the London Tavern,
After thus affioeririg t 1 hope, in a fatisfa&ory
manner, every charge urged by this defpicable
writer, I fhall conclude by recapitulating thofe
efTerjtial benefits which we have received from
him.
Abolition of Lords Juftices, and of an,
ariftocratic fyflem, which was a difgrace to a
free people.
The Oclennial-bill which has diffufed ait
Englifh fpirit of liberty among the freeholders-
of this kingdom.
The Abfentee-tax which produces 16 or
17,000!. a year, and faves ten times as much
to the nation, by preventing many of our no-
bility and gentry from- refiding abroad.
I. s. d.
Actual produce of it 16,000 o o
A refident Lord Lieutenant,
(per annum) 1 6,000 o o
The bounty on linen renewed.
This, by experimental proof, oc-
cafions the export of 3*564,38 1
yards, value 23/^25 o o
An
THE EATCHELOR. 211
An cxteifah of the bounty
to Ijifh printed linens.
Preventing a bounty of three
half- pence a yard on all Man-
chefter checks, which would
have operated as a bounty of
45!. per cent, againft our linen
manufacture. 1. s. J.
Reduction of the ftaff, 2,737
Penfions diminifhed - 6o,OOO
The Privilege-bill, which
has difobliged feveral of the pa-
triots, by fubjecting them to
the laws of their country, and
compelling them to al like
honeft men.
The Bankrupt-bill, which
will extend our trade, by efta-
blifhing confidence and credit
among our Merchants.
The Rum-bill which will
extend to our commerce, and
increafe the Revenue. 40,000 o O
A judicious parliamentary augmentation, by
which the royal prerogative was reflrained, and
a corps of twelve thoufand troops provided for
the
212 APPENDIX TO
the defence and fecurity of the people who pay
them. That public fpirited meafure, executed
with the flrivSteft ceconomv, produces a faving
of 23,358!. 1*55. 8d.. This was effeaed by
the Lord Lieutenant's innovating on the ufual
mode of iffuing pay for the intended augmen-
tation as foon as it was voted. By this
means, a large non-effective fund became the
property of the public, and was applied to the
fgrvice of the ftate.
The appointment of more Irifh judges,
and Irifh bifliops, .than any of his predeceflbrs.
V E R A x.
NUMBER XX.'
Diram qui contudit Hydram,
Notaque fatali portenta labore fubegit,
Comperit invidiam fupiemo fine domari. HOR,
To JEOFFRY WAGSTAFFE, Efq.
S I R,
*\/'OUR correfpondent Verax, in his ex-
* cellent letter of the 24th of laft month,
gave a detail at once fo ample and impartial of
Lord Townfliend's merits to this country, that
he. has left little for the friends of government
to
THE BATCHELOR. 213
to fupply, or for its enemies 'to object, on that
cxhaufted fubject. That paper contained fuch
an enumeration of benefits conferred on Ireland
within thefe laft five years, that it looked ra-
ther like a catalogue of objects to be defired,
than of acquifitions already obtained, and of
which we are at this moment in actual pofTef-
fion. Were a body of the moft fanguine and
requiring eleclors, in this fanguine and requir-
ing age and nation, to propofe conditions of
eternal vote and fuffrage to any undertaking-
candidate for their favour, I fuppofe the ex-
travagance of ignorant expectation could hardly
fvvell out a lift of fuch conftitutional articles,
as are comprifed in that fair (rate of debtor and
creditor, between the prefent Governor and
the people. Compare it with what was ob-
tained for Ireland in any former period of the
fame duration, nay, of three times the fume
duration, and detraction herfelf will fcarce he-
fitate to pronounce, that this man deferves an
everlafting monument in the breaft of every
real friend to his country. The name of Chef-
terneld is ftill mentioned among us with refpe&
and veneration : we fay he was a wife, a tem-
perate, and a difinterefted ruler : we hold up
his example as a fatire on thofe who went be-
fore, and a model for thofe who are to come
after
.214 APPENDIX TO
-after him. And why ? He came to Ireland it is
true at a very ciitical juncture : the King's
title was denied, and a Pretender to his crown
was advancing at the head of forne furious
mountaineers, to difpute it with him in his
-capital. The policy of government in this
kingdom, at fuch a time, was obvious : to be-
tray no apprchenilon of a revolution in Eng-
land, nor to exercife unnecefiary feverities to-
wards a large body of the people, whofe imbe-
cility was confirmed before, by the laws which
had ftripped them of the means of rendering
difloyalty formidable. This was the policy,
and this the merit of Lord Chefterfield. His
lordfhip's discernment, and the feafon, co-ope-
rated to cflablifh his reputation : the fuavity of
his manners gained him many private friends :
he cultivated men of letters j and they tranf-
mittcd him to pofterity with the partiality in-
jfeparable from the diftinguifhed notice with
which he had honoured them. Many of his
layings arc ftill in the mouths of his contem-
poraries. But it is in vain to fearch the public
records of that aera, for any improvement of
our commerce, our finances, or our conftitu-
tion. However honourable and fatisfactory
the revifion of Verax may be to the prefent, it
requires no fpirit of divination to forefee, that
it
THE BATCHELOR. 215
it will be the fource of much corn-par; tive-cen-
furc, of much difquiet and bitternefs, to the
fuccecding adminiftration : not that a fpirit of
laudable emulation will be wanting to that
worthy and amiable nobleman who is fhortly to
prefide in this kingdom, but, in truth, fo much
has been done by his predeceflbr, that it is -dif-
ficult to fay, what is there attainable that re-
mains to be performed. To ejicreafe the reve-
.nucs of a country, without adding to the bur-
then of its taxes j to confirm- its liberties, and
improve its coiyftitmion,. without diminution of
the royal, prerogative, j -at once to augment its
armies, and fecure its tran.quility ; to extend
its commerce, without prejudicing the mother-
country, are objects of -diftinguifhed magnitude;
end the poflibility of fo rare a combination may
not exift again in a long feries of our unevent-
ful hiftory. "
Thefe are the vefliges which Lord Town-
'fhend will leave behind him. By thefe will
his name be remembered, when .private pique,
and perfonal animofity, are totally extinguifh-
d :when the veil of mifreprefentation is with-
drawn from his actions ; and when the libel of
the day is buried in the duft of neglect and ob-
livion.
The
2ib APPENDIX TO
The mode of : attacking his-pcrfon and j
ftircs has been hither Unvaried, -according; to UK
nature of the defence, and the different genius
of the affailants.
At one time, his conduct as a foldier in a
former part of his life (though totally uncon-
.iie&ed .with . his prefent Situation) was the fa-
vourite theme of defamation. Every exploded
calumny againft the military reputation of the
American general, was hauled from antiquated
-gazetteers and journals, to confront and cm-
barrafs the Vice-roy of Ireland. In vain were
thefebafefalfhoods cruflied by authentic vouchers
in your paper, they crawled again and agair;
before the public thro' long columns of chro-
r.icks and regiflers, and fome purpofe was an-
iwered j while the giddy multitude, always dif-
pofed to judge unfavourably of their fuperiors,
and who have neither heads nor tempers to exa-
mine both fides of a queflion, could be . per-
fuaded that little worthy \vas to be expected
from the ftatefman, when nothing meritorious
had been performed by the officer. At an-
other time, when notoriety made it impofliblc
to deny the public acts of his government, the
acts indeed were at laft admitted, but the at-
tainment was afcribed to fome other influence;
and while parliament was cxprefling the thanks
of
TH'E BATCHELOU. 217
of the nation by votes and addrefles to Lord
Townfhend, Grub-ftreet tuned paeans and
gratulations to a Shelbourne, a Hertford, or
to fome minifter on the other fide, who might
perhaps wifh well to the interefts of Ireland,
but in thefe inftances had no more right to our
acknowledgments, than the Roman Pontiff has
to the homage of his grace of Canterbury.
But the laft refource of thefe baffled contro-
vertifts is ftill more extraordinary. Say thefe
ingenious gentlemen, take away the Limita-
tion Ac~r, Bounty -on Irifh Linen, Abfentee-
tax, Rum-bill, and the like, and where is
the pre-eminence of Lord Townfhend's admi-
niftration ? It finks at once to a level with the
meft corrupt or infignificant that ever went
before it. If we admit the premifes, we have
certainly no right to quarrel with the conclu-
fion : nay it will be but juft to allow thefe mi- .
fepable fophifters all the advantages they can
hope to derive from ftich a candid ftate of the
argument, fince their petitio prlncipil fhews at
once the defperate ftate of their caufe, and the
ftneights to which they are reduced both as lo-
gicians and incendiaries. I am not at a lofs to
difcover from whence they have borrowed this
fpecies of cafuiftry. The prototype of their
fentence on the adminiftration of his Excel-
VOL. II. L lency,
2i8 APPENDIX TO
lency, is to be found in the toylor's judgment,
who being aiked what he thought of the prof-*
pel from Richmond-hill, after, mature delibe-
ration, pronounced gravely, that if the trees
and the water were away, it would be nothing
xtraordinary.
As this is probably the laft time I {hall ever
trouble your readers with my fentiments on
matters of a public nature, I cannot lay down
my pen, without taking fome notice of a wri-
ter who has thruft himfelf into obfervation, not
Co- much by the merit, as by the length and
frequency of hi's labours, A mirror which re-
fL'fts nothing that can difpleafe or mortify, -i|
the laft into which a man fhould look, who
wifhes to fee his imperfections, that he may
amend them : and it is evident, the felf-fatis-
fied Brutus, has hitherto contemplated himfelf
in- no other. That which I mean to hold up
ta him, is of a different nature, it will giv?<
him .back his features neither foftened nor dif-
torted.
AfTertions without facls to fupport them j r
qpkhets taken up at random from the refufe,of
> /
Z AN OCCASIONAL WRITER.
THE BATHELOR. 221
NUMBER XXI.
^ v.-^w > - -..-. - -. . . . , - ,-
Provoco ad populum.
.Bivrj
THE writers on the fid? of government
have been accuftorned to the appellation
of hirelings and mercenaries ; they have been
accufed of uttering their notions on national
bufmefs, not from principle, but for pay. Ic
has been prophefled of them, that when it was
no longer their intereft to defend the raeafurea
of their patron, they would leave him to the
indignation of the people; or, perhaps, nnite
with thofe who had reviled hint moft bitterly - t
;tnd, by a public delertion of their opinions,
make the bed apology In their power for hav-
ing entertained them.
The condu& of thefe gentlemen has given a
practical refutation to this fctirrilous conjec-
ture :
Dmui Me nee pur'ior ulh tf,
Nee magls hi 3 aliena mal'.i.
Had they engaged in the fupport of adminiflrai-
tion, from the fame motives with thofe' who
wifh to render it odious, the going down of
Lord Townfhend's fun would haVe chilled
L \ their
- it S
APPENDIX TO-qT
tteir.-z.eal in his fervice ; and the firft nott&v
ctyion* of a fucccflbr would have benumbed
their/faculties. Intcreft indeed, is for ever
fluctuating ; fubjeft to ague fits and viciflitudes,
hot and cold, high and low, as the political
barometer falls or rifes.j but principle knows-
no fuch changes : fdf-centered, it is fuperior
to-external accidents j independent of every thing
but itfelf, it afls fteadily, confidently, and
openly. The fupport of a public-fpirited ad-
miniftration, is an employment worthy of any
man's leifure and abilities, and it has lately
devolved on perfons, who have never publiftied
any opinion, whicbt they have not been able to.
defend by the authority of the moft approved
authors ; nor have they ever offered to impofe
a mcafureon the ignorance, or credulity of their
countrymen, but have given the whole of their
information without difguife, referve, or falfe
colouring ; appealing to the incontsftible evi-
dence of fads, ;uid. fubmitting every circum-
ftancs to the Judgment of their readers. Jf no*
tions illiberal and unconfiitutional, have at any
time crept into the publications fuppofed to be
fan&ioncd by government, a difivo'.vat has i.n-
jnedia:ely followed j and the only tolerable au-
i\ver r which has yet appeared to th^ erroneous.
TH~E B AT'C HE LOR.
tentiments^ exprefled againft the DifTenters o
this kingdom', (in 'a- late Bachelor) is to be
fbunti in a paper, which almoft trod upon it?
heels, under the fignature of Timoleon. Had
fuch a refutation appeared from the popular
prefs,what encomiums fhould we not have heard
on the fagacity and information of the author ?
What triumph for the vi\ory ? What infult
over the vanquifhed ? ^X^
Lord Townfhend' has been repeatedly ac-
cufed of. profufion in- the management of the
public money, and of parfimony in that of his
own. The reverfe of this injurious charge is
nigher the truth. After fire years adminiftra*
tion, amidft the conflict of factions, the fublety
of intrigue, and the violence of party-rage ;
at a period, when the venal and corrupt efti>-
mate their votes by the neceflity of govern-
ment, and fuppofe their own want of principle
juftified by that very neceflity. Such an epoch
i our politics, feems ill calculated for the re-
form of abufes, and the introduction of wife
and judicious regulations into every branch of
our civil and military efrablifhmehts. To
enter into a minute difcuflion on jhefe hc..-.^,
v/ould exceed the limits of my paper. A Chief
Governor is entitled to our juft and merited eu-
Jaitmis, who is neither to be cajoled by flat-
L 4
APPENDIXTOfcT
tery, or intimidated by menaces, to deviate from
* t-Kne-ef-duty, which his own fituatioh and
public good prefcribe ; and who, by the
firmnefs, the rectitude, and difmtereftednefj of
his conduct, introduces and eftablifhes a fyftem
of oeconomy, pregnant with national benefits j
and checks a fyftem of jobbing, pregnant with
national difgrace.
The annual favings will appear extraordi-
nary, and unprecedented ; efpecially, if the ftate
of our eftablifhments at the conclufion of Lord
Townfhend's adminiftration, is contrafted with
that of his predeceflbrs at the fame period.*
I {hall, therefore, fubmit the following abftraft
to the candour and impartiality of the public.
Amount of the Civil Eftablifhments, at the
commencement of the adminiftrations of th*
following Lord Lieutenants. s ^ ilK ^
"" ^ >1>Vi 5 31 ' >1C01 oliK
A7 6j. April 3 d. Earl of Hallifax, .107,754 4 7
Increale in his adraimftration, 8,707 4 5;
. i . . i
1763. April i7th.E.,of Northumberland, 116,461 9 o
lucreafe in his admiiiiftration, J>244 16 -*^
1765.
:
1765. Aug. 7th. Earl of Hertford, >i7,7>547 5 7
\6 .Oft. 6th. Earl of Brillol, 179,253 10 9^
Increafc iu his adiuiuiiiiatiou, 8,500 o o
.
>7 6 7
THE BAT CHE LOR. ^25
1767. Aug. 19* Lord Xownihend, ' 37.753 10 9t
Amount, 3oth of September, 1772, 134,05$ o 2
j r
*fa Y 8 75 3 i
I fliould not omit obferving, that the half-
pay lift, like the Perfian fatellltes^ was formerly
reckoned immortal, as the officers were con-
ftantly allowed to fell ; and Mr. P nf by
alfo took care to convert it into a civil lift,
and proflituted that public bounty for the fup-
port of the deferving foldier, in penfions to h
creatures and- dependents. The fliameful mif
application of this fund, was prevented by Lord
Tovvnfhend ; and no felicitations, or impor-
tunjtiss ffom any quarter, could ever induce
him tcrfwerve from his determined refolution
on this important objedt,
Thft
22 6 APPENDIX TO
sri* smoatxi won 3l .zrtanil lub no ^anuod ads
The reduction of the ftaffhas produced
an annual faving of -. .2,737 o
In the ordnance, -^3 iiA4o nomq$*l I(ftip3
Revenue Eftabliflvment, ending Revenue Incidents.
Lady Day 1 770, . $1,7*7 15 -30,647 ' a 3
1771, 80,710 ii z 26,003 4 3
jMhfttfln^ --
Decreafe, - ^. 2,067 4 5 . 4,6** 8 o
Incidents, 4,.64 4 X o
'" - />iiv3
Total decreafe, ^.6,711 12 5
Which is more than the additional cxpence,
contracted by the divifion of the boards.
^UI IWV3
The receipt of the revenue, fince the 25th
of March, has been more than in the fame pe-
riod of the preceding by 55,000!. from which
2O,ooo 1. may be deducted for the additional
duty on rum. Yet there will ftill remain.
35,000!. (a fum nearly equal to one year's
intereft of our whole debt) incrtefe in half a
year, .yusortoasi bri* e^)ti- ' '-O .nohsi
I have ftudioufly confined myfelf, in thrt
concluding eflay on Lord Townftiend's govern-
ment, to particular points of his minifterial
conduct : to expatiate on the public a&s of
his adminiflratiou, is now become an unneccf-
fary, and fuperfluous labour. The improvew
mcnt of our conftitution, the extenfion of out-
commerce, the eiicreafe of our revenue, and
the
THE BATCHELOR. 227
the bounty on our linens, ate now become the
themes of comrmyi converfation ; and the fup-
ccfsful exertion of his Excellency's influence,
in obtaining them, are no longer difputed.
They are acknowledged, even in the produc-
tions of the Free Prefs , and authenticated in
heterogeneous effufions of .invective and pane-
gyric.
In the difpofal of all military commiflions,
and civil offices, his Lordfliip's integrity, and
that of his fecretaries, have never been impeach-
ed, or even fufpe&ed j the private douceurs of
office, and every fpecies of corruption, have
been banifhed from thefe departments. Lori
Townfhend's name and memory, will be re-
vered with gratitude by a generous, a difcern-- '
ing, and an affectionate people. The momen-
tary, and tranfient breath of envy, which how
obfcures, will then add new luftre to his repu-
tation. Order, regularity, and oeconomy, are
cenfpicuous in every branch of our finances
and revenue ; and the fame benign public fpi-
rit has given us laws, which will render VLB a r
rich and flourifhing nation. Lord Townfhend's
adminiftration has been treated like one of thofe
ancient temples, which is admired by every per-
fon of tafte and judgment, for the fimplicity '
of it's architecture, and elegant correfporidefice-
of
228 APPENDIX, &c. v "
of its decorations ; yet the mere vulgar, un-
'inoved by its fymmetry and beautiful propor-
tions, render its arcades, and porticoes, a dif-
gufting fcene of defilement and pollution.
I' N I S.
APR 191988
315
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