O rts <S»lon 65i.de ~^" 
 
THE WAYFARERS LIBRARY 
 
 DE OMNIBUS 
 
 By the Conductor 
 
 Barry Pain 
 
 LONDON: J.M.DENT & SONS LT? 
 NEWYORK: E.R DUTTON & C9. 
 
f\Z'C 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Woman the Obscure ..... 5 
 
 ' Ike ' 37 
 
 ' 'Ankin ' . . . . . . . .65 
 
 Queer Fares ....... 83 
 
 ' Them Boys '....... 105 
 
 The Last 'Bus . . . . . . • 117 
 
 At Home . . ...... 129 
 
 343442 
 
Digitized by the Internet Arciiive 
 
 in 2007 with funding from 
 
 IVIicrosoft Corporation 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/deomnibusOOpainrich 
 
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 At lawst the cabby gits alongside . Frontispiece 
 
 'E tears up both bills and stawts fresh . . . lO 
 
 She wouldn't let him be . . . . .17 
 
 The 'orse got a extry feed that night ... 47 
 ' Very well,' says 'Ankin, and 'e took darn 'is pint . 77 
 
 Seven-an'-six and a 'awty laugh . . . .101 
 
 *E'd tried to cop 'em scores o' times . . .113 
 
 ' Good-bye, Mister-man. You're the third as I've 
 
 copped ter-dye ' . . . . . .116 
 
 Well,' says 'e, ' I'm a escaped waxwuk' . . 124 
 
 I've seed the missus spend nigh a hower over thet 
 
 silliness . . . . . . .136 
 
WOMAN THE OBSCURE 
 
WOMAN THE OBSCURE 
 
 I don't unnerstand femiles. 
 
 The other dye I 'appened ter pick up a extry 
 'alf - thick - un throo puttin' money on my 
 opinyun of the Gran' Neshnal. Well, nar, the 
 fancy tikin' me, I drops in on a plice as were 
 a cut above whart I patterinizes as a yooshal 
 thing. As I sye, I were a-goin' ter enjy myself, 
 so I orders my steak, cut thick, underdone, and 
 a bit o' fat to it, an' my pint o' Burton, sime as 
 if I'd bin the Lord Meer 'isself. Then I tikes 
 a look ramd. Theer were two femiles, as 'ed 
 jest done They were settin' doin' nutthink. 
 Theer were a witer oppersite ter them, 
 close enough ter 'ave bit 'em, and 'e weren't 
 doin' nutthink neither. Pressintly a gint calls 
 'im an' orf 'e goes. The momint 'e stawts ter 
 wite on summun else they both of 'em 'oilers 
 7 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 art ' Witer ! ' as if they 'adn't a second ter 
 speer. Pressintly *e comes. One of 'em says, 
 ' Give me the bill, witer/ 'E pulls *is shoulders 
 up ter wheer an Hinglishman would wear 'is 
 *at, and begins ter mike art theer bill. 
 ' Tew breads an* tew butters,* *e says. 
 
 * Nutthink o' the sort,' says the femile. 
 * It*s tew butters an' one bread.' 'E orlters 
 it an* 'ands *er the bill. 
 
 ' Oh, you silly man,' she syes. ' I wants 
 tew bills. My lyedy-friend 'ere pyes fur 'er 
 own.' So 'e shrugs up 'is shoulders agin till 
 'e pretty nigh fetches the roof orf the restyromt, 
 an' mikes art tew bills instead. 
 
 ' Look 'ere,' syes one o' the femiles, ' yer've 
 chawged me a jinte, an' I never 'ad no jinte.' 
 
 ' Yes,' says the other, * an' yer've chawged 
 me a ongtry, and I never 'ad no ongtry.* 
 
 * Eet is all the sime,' said the witer; ' one 
 'ad jinte an* one *ad ongtry, an* both is the 
 same price, and I do not remember which *ad 
 *oo.* 
 
 ' Very well,' said one of the femiles, * then 
 we must exchinge bills.' 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 An' even then they weren't 'appy. 
 
 * Look 'ere,' says one of 'em, ' yer've chawged 
 me a butter which I never 'ad, an' yer 'aven't 
 chawged me fur bread.' 
 
 * Mine's wrong too,' says the other femile, 
 * because 'e's chawged me fur a bread as I 
 never 'ad, an' no butter, as is right.' 
 
 Thet pore forrin witer 'e sorter tied 'is eye- 
 brars in a knot tryin' ter unnerstan* it. ' Yer 
 tell me one bread, two butters,' 'e says. 
 
 * Yus,' says she, * but I meant ter sye tew 
 breads and one butter, an' anywye yer ought 
 ter know withart tellin', an' I never 'ad 
 neither.' 
 
 * Ah,' said that witer, * I see. Yer 'ad tew 
 breads an' one butter, at least yer friend 'ad.' 
 Then 'e orlters them tew bills agin, an' gits 'em 
 wus nor they was afore. 'E tears up both bills 
 and stawts fresh. Arter about three tries 'e 
 gort both bills mide up seppyrit so as ter soot 
 'em, an' as soon as 'e'd done that, one o' the 
 lyedies pulls art 'er purse and says that arter 
 all she'll pye fur both, because she owes the 
 other 'alf-a-crown, an' the other's bill bein' 
 
 9 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 / \l ^Lii, 2. tears ap U)tk G\((s 
 
 TT jir' - ^ ' 
 
 two an' nine if the other pyes *er sixpence thet'll 
 be right, because six an* three is nine. 
 
 ' Well, that witer went horf, perspirin' freely, 
 an* a-yoosin* Italyun langwidge, with a *ipeny 
 fur *isself. Then them two femiles stawted 
 another discusshing as to which owed the other. 
 What? No, I didn't storp ter see the finish. 
 When I left one of *em was eleven-an*-fippence 
 to the good an* accoosin' the other of swindUn* 
 er, an* the other were sa5dng : ' If I tikes back 
 the shillin' an' the penny stamp as I gives yer, 
 
 10 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 an' then 'ands yer the difference atween whort 
 youVe pide an' whort I pide yesterday, then 
 you'll owe me twopence, an' I'm sorry I ever 
 mide a friend of yer.' Well, as I says, I don't 
 unnerstan' femiles. 
 
 If I 'as ter 'ave a unpleasantness, I'd sooner 
 'ave it with a man nor I would with a woman. 
 In dealin' with a woman, yer don't keer ter sye 
 whort yer think — at least, nort ter egspress it 
 the wye yer otherwise would. I 'ad a beauty 
 on my 'bus the other dye. Yer know, on some 
 o' the rowtes they'd bin givin' awye sawmples 
 o' cocoa on the 'buses. So, in course, ev'ry 
 woman 'ad gort ter jump ter the cornclooshun 
 that them sawmples was give awye every dye, 
 an' on every 'bus. Thet's whort were the 
 matter with my beauty. She storped the 'bus, 
 and went on top. In doo course, I goes up ter 
 tike 'er money and give 'er 'er ticket. 
 
 * Oh, you are actin' dishonest ! ' says she. 
 
 * Whort are yer suff'rin' from? ' says I. 
 
 * Why,' she says, ' you know very well, and 
 it's no good try in' ter deceive me. Wheer's 
 my cocoa? ' 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Dunno,' says I. * But whartever you've 
 done it on, you ain't done it on cocoa.' I need 
 'awdly sye as thet sawcawstic remawk were 
 lost on 'er. 
 
 ' I've 'card all abart it,' she says. ' Yer've 
 gort ter give me a sawmple tin o' cocoa, and if 
 I agrees ter tike it, then I can travel on your 
 'bus withart pyin'.* 
 
 ' Thet's nearly right,' I says, ' but it ain't 
 quite right. Whort they gives awye is a 
 pamd o' tea, a copy o' the D'ily Telegrawf, an' 
 a fust-clawss free passidge ter Noo York. 
 Only it ain't done on this 'bus — it's some other 
 'bus.' 
 
 * Ho, well,' says she; 'then, I'm on the 
 wrong 'bus, and I'm goin' ter git orf.' 
 
 * Thet yer can do,' says I, * as soon as yer've 
 pide yer fare.' 
 
 * Why,' she awnswers me, ' yer don't 'ave 
 ter pye when yer git on the wrong 'bus.' 
 
 * 'Tain't the 'bus is wrong,' I says. * It's 
 you as is wrong. If you 'adn't travelled no 
 more'n 'arf a hinch by this 'bus, I'd still 'ave 
 mide yer pye.' An' so I did. When I ketches 
 
 12 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 these women doin* of it on the cheap, an' on 
 the Httle bit too cheap, it's a jy and a pleasure 
 ter me ter spile their gime if I can. But, as 
 I said afore, you're 'ampered; you cawn't, if 
 you 'as delikit feelin's hke myself, yoose the 
 sime richness o' lengwidge in speakin' ter a 
 woman as in speakin' ter a man. 
 
 Yuss, a chep don't keer ter be anywye rough 
 with a woman. Why, even ole Ike 'as thet 
 feelin', and 'e's a pretty awd kise, too. I 
 remember once as ole Ike went ter Madame 
 Tersord's Wax-wux one Bengk-'ol'd'y. Now, 
 'e 'as a 'itred of bein' took in, 'as Ike. So 'e 
 mide a foo ingquiries before'and. They told 
 'im as at the entrance ter the grite 'all there was 
 a woman settin' on each side, with a tible in 
 front of 'er, sellin' programmes, an'catalorgs, an' 
 such. One of them women was real, and one 
 was a wax dummy, put theer fur the joke, and 
 'e was ter be keerful as *e didn't mike a fool of 
 'isself. I dunno 'ow it come abart, but 'e con- 
 foosed 'is mind as ter which tible 'ad the real 
 woman in front of it. 'E walked up ter the 
 woman as *e thought were wax, picked up a 
 13 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 'andful o* catalorgs, an' slapped 'er 'ead with 
 'em, syin' : ' If you ain't keerful, summun 'ull 
 be ninnin' a wye with these.' When she sit up 
 an' told 'im as 'e oughter be ashimed of 'isself, 
 and if *e weren't keerful she'd turn 'im art, yer 
 never seed a man more took back than Ike was. 
 It mye surprise yer ter 'ear it, but it's a fac', 
 as 'e told me arterwuds 'e wished 'e 'adn't 
 mide thet mist ike. 'E said, and it were a 
 imyooshal admission fur a man like 'im ter mike, 
 that if she 'ad 'appened to 'ave awst 'im ter 
 apolergize, *e*d 'ave done it. 
 
 • ••••• 
 
 It's amizin* the wye some women don' sim 
 ter know whort is their business an' whort ain't. 
 The other dye I 'ad a ole lyedy on my 'bus as 
 were that sort — wamted ter know hev'rythink 
 abart hev'rythink, she did. 
 
 ' And 'ow much do they give yer a week, my 
 man? * she awsks me. 
 
 * Three-an'-six,' says I. 
 
 * Whart ? ' says she, ' is that horl you gits ? ' 
 
 ' Ho, no ! * says I. * In course, we 'as whort 
 
 we steals.* 
 
 14 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 'Dear, dear!* says she, ' nar I'd alwise 
 'eard as the 'bus - cornducters robbed the 
 comp'ny. And whort's it come to halter- 
 gither? ' 
 
 * Comes to ten pamds a week,' says I, * but 
 then it don't go on fur long. Arter a few 
 months we gits worn art.' 
 
 ' Worn art ? ' she says. ' What with ? * 
 
 ' With awnserin' folks quest shings abart 
 things as don't concern 'em, ma'am.' 
 
 Well, that did freeze 'er off fur a bit, but, 
 bless yer, she were soon at it agin! She were 
 one o* them bom hint erf erers thet ain*t ter be 
 storped so easy. She left me alone, though. 
 Theer were a gent sittin' oppersite 'er as she 
 tackled next, an' I felt sorry fur 'im. She 
 awsked 'im wheer 'e'd come from, wheer 'e 
 were goin' to, and whart 'e were doin' it fur. 
 She told 'im 'is necktie weren't strite and thet 'e 
 were fooHsh to 'ave come art withart a hum- 
 bereller. She mide 'im confess that 'e'd a 
 awnt in an asylum, and that 'e wore false teeth 
 'isself. She mide 'im tell 'er ev'rythink as 
 *e most perticlar didn't womt ter menshing. 
 
 15 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 Nar and agin 'e'd try ter git awye from 'er and 
 go on readin' *is noosepiper, but she wouldn't 
 let 'im be. I seed 'im gittin' more and more 
 restless under it, and at the same time too per- 
 lite ter give 'er whart she derserved fur 'er 
 cheek. Lawst of all 'e 'eaved a sigh of despeer 
 and jumped off the 'bus — with a threepenny 
 tickit and 'im not ridden twopennuth of it. 
 Thet *avin' left 'er with no one ter worry, she 
 storps the 'bus an' gits art. When I lawst saw 
 'er she were talkin' ter the copper at the comer. 
 In course she mye 'ave bin awstin' 'im 'er wye, 
 but it's more likely as she were engquierin' 
 whort 'e'd 'ad fur dinner the Sunday before 
 and mikin' 'im tell 'er too. She were that sort 
 o' woman. 
 
 I'm yused ter the femiles as keeps on awskin' 
 questshings, but the femile as keeps on givin* 
 of yer awnsers when yer ain't awst 'er nutthink 
 — I dunno as she ain't wuss. 
 
 ' I'd like a word with yer,' says one o' thet 
 
 sort ter me, ' when you've done givin' art them 
 
 their tickets.' 
 
 * Yer can go on,' I says. 
 i6 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 * The way in which the inside o' these *buses 
 is upholstered is very fooHsh/ she says. 
 
 ' I've bin brikin' my 'eart over it fur years/ 
 says I. 
 
 ' Don't yer see that stuff with a surface Uke 
 thet must catch all the dust and dirt? I'm 
 ashimed ter sit on it/ 
 
 ' Pussonally/ I says, ' I stands. I gits art 
 of it thet wye/ 
 
 ' Whart yer wamt in a Lunnun 'bus/ says 
 she, * is detachable cushions, with removable 
 and washable covers to 'em, and a smooth, 
 shiney surface on 'em as wouldn't 'old the dirt.' 
 
 ' If yer'U sye thet agin slow, I'll write it dam 
 and 'and it inter my boss when I gits beck 
 ter the yawd ter-night. But it won't be much 
 yoose talkin' to 'im. Yer see, when childring 
 brikes their necks in this 'bus, the comp'ny 'as 
 ter cormpensite, as is only feer.* 
 
 ' Whort's thet gort ter do with it ? ' says she. 
 
 * This wye,' says I. * When yer sets chil- 
 dring on a smooth surfice in a jerky 'bus, they 
 slides orf an' brikes their necks on the floor. 
 We tried it and we 'ad cormplintes.' 
 19 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Indeed ! ' says she. 
 
 ' Yer can bet yer life on it/ says I. ' Then 
 we tried 'ar present style which bein* like 
 velvit, or thereabarts, 'olds the child's clothin' 
 so as it cawn*t slip. Put a child on one o' these 
 'ere seats an' the only wye it can be moved is 
 fur its mother ter hft it in a hupward direck- 
 shing. We 'ad this style invented a-puppus.' 
 
 ' Nar I never 'eard that afore,' says she, and 
 I dessay as she never did. 
 
 Well, yer might 'ave thought as thet would 
 'ave bin enough fur 'er, but it wam't. These 
 'ere clever people knows such a lot, thet they 
 cawn't 'old it — 'as ter give some of it awye. 
 
 ' Dew yew know,' says she, * I've invented 
 a Httle plan thet shud be of interest ter you 
 comducters. It does awye with the posser- 
 bility of any dishonesty, and so puts all 
 temptition awye from yer.' 
 
 ' Yuss,' says I, ' we sirffers from temptition 
 — suffers crool — but it ain't ter dishonesty.' 
 
 * You mean as it's more in the direction of 
 intemp 'ranee.' 
 
 ' No, I don't,' says I, ' it's in the direction o* 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 murder, coupled with the yoose of improper 
 lengwidge.' 
 
 ' Oh, you're jokin' ! ' says she. 
 
 ' Well,' says I, ' talk like this mikes a man 
 feel friverlus, don't it? ' 
 
 No, I don't unnerstand women. 
 
 One o' the awticles o' their berlief is that 
 anythink as 'appens on a 'bus is the fault of 
 the comducter. A lyedy gits inter a white 
 Putney, with Putney marked all over it, and 
 the comducter shoutin' Putney fit ter kill 
 'isself. She pyes 'er money, awsks no quest- 
 shings, sits there till she gits ter the end of the 
 rowte, an' then she says, * This ain't Kilbu'n. 
 And why couldn't yer sye it wasn't a Kilbu'n 
 when I got in? ' Ho yus; we're yoosed to it. 
 Whortever 'appens, we 'as gort ter be blimed 
 fur it, Nar once or twice there's bin a pocket 
 picked on my 'bus, the seats on 'buses bein' 
 arringed perticler 'andy fur pocket-pickin'. 
 It cawn't alius be 'elped. Of course I keep my 
 eyes hopun, an' when I think any man's a 
 wrong un 'e don't git much of a chawnce on 
 my 'bus. 'Arrever, them pickpockets is that 
 
 21 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 bloomin* artful, that nar and then there's no 
 spottin* of *em. The other dye as I were 
 stannin' on the 'bus I feels a umberreller poke 
 me m the back o' the neck. I looks ramd, and 
 there were a egsited old femile comin' down off 
 of the top, and shriekin', ' Storp the 'bus! my 
 purse 'as bin stole.' Well, I storps the 'bus. 
 There was three men on the top of the 'bus, 
 besides this old femile, an' she accoosed ev'ry 
 blessid one of 'em to 'is fice of 'avin' stole that 
 purse. Then she turned ramd an' said as it 
 was my fault fur let tin' pickpockets git outer 
 the 'bus, an' likely they pide me fur lettin' 'em, 
 and 'ow was she ter know I 'adn't took the 
 purse myself. Hup comes a copper, an' she 
 awsts 'im whort 'e was there for if lyedies was 
 ter 'ave their purses stole. 'E outs with 'is 
 note-book an' tikes dam everythink — numbers, 
 an* nimes, an' addresses, an' the colour o' the 
 'orses, 'Ewing knows what 'e didn't tike dam. 
 Arter abart five minnits we stawts off agin, 
 an' the crard clears awye. We 'adn't gom a 
 'undrid yawds afore that bloomin' umberreller 
 comes a-bangin' me in the neck agin. ' Well, 
 
 22 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 ma*rm/ I says pyshuntly, ' and whort *ave yer 
 had stole this time ? ' 
 
 'Ho/ she says, * I've found my purse. 
 Leastwise, I've just remembered as I didn't 
 bring it with me, on'y just tikin* the coppers 
 fur the 'bus. What a silly child I am! But 
 why didn't yer remember that I never *ad no 
 purse when I pide yer? ' 
 
 I never awnseered her a word. I give 'er 
 one look o' comtempt, turned my back on 'er, 
 spat inter the road, an' began ter whistle. If 
 anythink 'ull teach a man pyshunce an' perUte- 
 ness under tryin' succumstances, it is bein* 
 comducter of a 'bus. 
 
 Occishemally, are 'as recourse ter a little 
 
 gentle sawcassim. I remembers tryin' that 
 
 on with one o' them Sunday-art young lyedies. 
 
 The wye the gals gits theirselves up naradyes 
 
 is a thing as feerly beats me. Yer git a pHne 
 
 ornery gal as is mikin' ten pamd a year and 'er 
 
 keep as a up-an'-dam, and then look at 'er on 
 
 'er Sunday art when she's gittin' on ter the 
 23 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 *bus aginst the Mawble Awch. Ho, most 
 astonishin', it is! As fur as clothes go, an' 
 colours, an' style, she'd mike the Hempriss o' 
 China shut it dam an* give up dressin' in 
 despeer. Well, I ain't one ter interfere in 
 another man's business. When 'Ankin comes 
 at me, an' awsts me if the 'igh-'anded conduc* 
 of the Govemmint isn't mikin' my blood bile, 
 I tells 'im as it ain't, cos I don't see as my 
 blood's gort anythink ter do with the Govem- 
 mint nor as the Govemmint 's gort anythink 
 ter do with my blood. As I sye, I ain't one 
 as hinterferes, an' if some twop'ny-'ipeny gal 
 likes ter wear all the money she can borrer, it 
 ain't nutthink ter me, and I'm sure I 'opes as 
 it's a treat to 'er. But 'aughtiness is a thing 
 as I cawn't stand from thet sort; an' I've 
 noticed that gals as 'ull be'ive theirselves in 
 the ornery wye, as soon as ever they've dressed 
 theirselves up, nms ter 'aughtiness. Wheer's 
 the sense? I knows whart I am, an' I knows 
 whart they is. They can dress theirselves 
 imtil they're bleck in the fice, and they don't 
 
 tike me in. So his it hkely as I shud allar the 
 24 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 likes o* them ter come a-tramplin* on the likes 
 o' me? Stands ter leasing, it ain't. 
 
 Nar one Sunday night one o' thet sort 'ails 
 the 'bus. We slowed dam, and might per'aps 
 'ave bin goin' one hinch a hower. But thet 
 wouldn't do fur 'er, though she cud 'ave gort 
 in as easy as kissin' the beck o' yer 'and; and 
 theer was me a-stannin' with my awm art, 
 ready ter scoop 'er in so as she couldn't 'urt 
 'erself. Ho, no! Nort good enough fur 'er 
 lyedyship, thet ain't. * When you've storped 
 thet 'bus,' she says, * I'll git in, an' nort afore.' 
 'Umbly and pyshintly I storps the 'bus, and 
 she gits in. She sits dam, and sticks art 'er 
 penny. ' 'Ere, tike it,' she says. 
 
 * Thenk you, miss; I'll tike it when I comes 
 ramd fur the feers, an' nort afore ' — thereby 
 ekkerin* 'er own wuds, and givin' 'er a nawsty 
 one. 
 
 So, more ter annoy me nor any think else, 
 she says, ' This 'ere 'bus do go slow. Cawn't 
 yer run up an' awst the driver to mike the 
 'orses go a bit fawster? ' 
 
 * No,' I says, ' I dunno as I can. But if 
 
 25 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 you're in a *urry to git them clothes put back 
 in the drors afore yer missus comes 'ome an' 
 finds as youVe borrered them, I'll be very 
 'appy to call yer a cab.' Ho, she didn't 'awf 
 like it, I can tell yer! She 'adn't gort 
 nutthink to sye — leastwise, nutthink as was 
 anythink. In course, she begun ter aboose me, 
 but I soon put a stopper on thet. I told 'er as I 
 never 'ad allard no langwidge on my 'bus, and I 
 wom't goin' ter begin on 'er accamt. She cud 
 either shut 'er 'ead or git orf the 'bus. 
 
 No, I don't wamt to be rood, and I 
 'ites bein' rood. Yer cawn't find a quieter- 
 tempered, more civil chap nor I am when 
 treated right. But when people as ain't no 
 better nor you starts a-lording of it over yer, 
 theer's no sort o' sense in giving 'em a treat at 
 your egspense by lettin' 'em do it. If it shud 
 'appen ter be a man, yer gives it 'im strife in 'is 
 pline nitive tongue. If it shud 'appen ter be a 
 femile, then yer tries sawcassim. 
 
 'Ere's another kise. 
 
 I was comin' dam the street, pawsin' a 
 
 frooter's shop, when hall of a suddink a grite 
 26 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 lump o' pips and mildew (whort 'ad bin a 
 horringe in its brighter, 'appier dyes) comes 
 a-flyin' through the air an' busts itself on the 
 side of my fice. Fortshnitly I ain't whort 
 yer'd call a passhemit man. I just looks inside 
 the shop, an' sees the woman whort 'ad chucked 
 it. So I says sawcawstic: * Was that you, 
 ma'am, a-distributin' of your gritis green- 
 groc'ry? ' 
 
 ' Oh, lor ! ' she says, ' yer don't mean to sye 
 that one 'it yer? ' 
 
 * Yes,' I says, ' such is the fac's of the kise.' 
 
 ' Ho, well,' says she, ' I were just settin' 'ere 
 a-sortin' art the bad uns, and I see no one 
 comin' pawst. I meant ter chuck it inter the 
 gutter. I didn't ime it at yer; I'm sure I 
 didn't.' 
 
 ' No,' says I, * yer didn't. That's whort I 
 complines of. Next time you go 'eavin' one 
 of them lumps o' diseased mawmerlide art of 
 your shop, I'd tike it as a pussonal fiver if you'd 
 ime it at me. Then yer wouldn't 'it me.' 
 Well, nar, that mide 'er regler angry. She 
 picked up another of the decyde uns an' awsts 
 27 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 me if I'd like to give 'er a chawnce ter teach 
 me better. Out o* bravawdo, I says, * All 
 right, chuck.' I was standin' in the doorway, 
 an' she chucked 'ard. It missed me and 'it a 
 young copper stannin' artside fuU in the eye- 
 ball. It give me a 'awty lawf, thet did. And 
 'ere is jest one more hinstance o' the sime, 
 wheer I'd 'ad enough ter make a cow satirical. 
 I'm the comducter of a 'bus, thet's whort I 
 am. Sims feeriy simple, don't it? Anywye, 
 I never 'as no trouble in understandin' of it 
 myself. I knows whort I'm pide ter do, an' I 
 does it. But theer sims ter be some folks abart 
 as thinks the comducter of a 'bus is a crorst 
 between a gineral servunt with no wiges, a 
 yooniversil ingquiry orfice, and a gritis luggidge 
 porter. Yuss, I'm a pytient man, I am, and 
 I'm jest abart as wiUin' ter oblige anyone else 
 as anyone else is ter obhge me, but theer do 
 come a pint wheer 'uman nychur drors the line, 
 so ter speak. Nar the dye before yes'day I gort 
 just a few too many of thet sort o' folk ter 
 which I illudes; they come in a lump. Fust of 
 
 aU it was a ole lyedy as famd she womted a pin, 
 28 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 and awst me if I cud lend 'er one. I drord a 
 
 pin from my wescut and 'anded it 'er with a 
 
 perlite smile. Then a gent awst me if I cud 
 
 tell 'im whart the time was. Theer were tew 
 
 public clocks a-'angin' up right afore 'is eyes, 
 
 reg'lar bitin* of 'im ; but I surpose that it were 
 
 cheaper ter bother me than ter look fur 'isself. 
 
 I told 'im whart the time was. Perlite smiles 
 
 was horf, but I told 'im, an' gort no thanks fur 
 
 it. Then a boy storpt the 'bus to ingquire if it 
 
 were goin' wheer 'e cud see fur 'isself it wasn't, 
 
 and 'ad I gort a bit o' string abart me ? I were 
 
 jest recoverin* from thet when another ole 
 
 lyedy fawstened on me. Whart she warnted, 
 
 I fancy, was a bower's quiet cornvysytion, and 
 
 she picked me art fur the treat 'cos I come 
 
 'andiest. She began by ingquierin' if I cud 
 
 tell 'er 'ow many stamps she 'ad ter put on some 
 
 bloomin' onvylup she 'ad in 'er 'and. And yet 
 
 I kep' my temper with 'er. 'Arrever, I knowed 
 
 as the next of 'em wud git an expresshing of 
 
 opinyun art of me. The next were a young 
 
 lyedy. She were boot if ul, she were narcely 
 
 dressed, and I dessay she were good; but she 
 29 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 were jest the sort o' fool whort gits on my 
 nerves. She says, with one o' them silly lawfs, 
 ' Ho, could yer tell me. Mister Comducter, if 
 your 'orses ever 'as the fur come off? * 
 
 * I don't 'appen ter 'ave no 'orses,' I 
 awnsered. 
 
 ' I mean the 'orses in the 'bus,* she says. 
 
 * Ho,' says I, * well, they ain't mine; they're 
 the proputty o* the comp'ny.' 
 
 * And does their fur ever come orf ? ' 
 
 ' No, it don't,' I says, ' 'cos they ain't 
 gort no fur; 'orses 'as 'air. 'Ence the word 
 'orse-'air.' 
 
 ' And whort wud yer do if their 'air come 
 orf? ' she awsts. 
 
 * Shouldn't do nutthink,' I says. ' Nort if 
 it come orf badly? ' says she. 'No,' says I, 
 ' nort if they went as bald as the beck of my 
 'and, 'cos it wouldn't be no business o' mine.' 
 
 * I'm sorry ter 'ear thet,' she says, * becos I 
 womted ter awst yer abart a kitting o' mine 
 as — ' 'Thet'll do, miss,' I interrup's 'er, 'thet'll 
 do. I've bin mistook fur a string-box and a 
 post-orfiice, and a lyedy's tilet-companying, 
 
 30 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 and a foo other things ahready, this mornin', 
 but, blimey, if I'm goin' ter be mistook fur a 
 *orspital fur diseased cats! No, theer is a 
 limit, and yer *as yer foot on it/ 
 
 * Ho, you awe disagreeble ! ' she says. 
 
 Ain't they wunnerful creatures ! And when 
 it's a questshing o' mikin' a bit they can 'old 
 their own witl^ any man. 
 
 One dye a chap give me a small furrin' coin, 
 'avin' the look o' silver, which it weren't, and 
 not onlike the ornery sixpence. It 'ad a 'ole 
 in it, and that gave me a hideer. I put a tack 
 through the 'ole, and fawstened thet coin darn 
 ter the floor of the 'bus. And nar, thinks I to 
 myself, we shall see what we shall see. Fust 
 a ole gent gits in, cawsts one glawnce at the 
 coin, and then looks ararnd, innercent-like, 
 and begins 'ummin' ter 'isself. Then he puts 
 'is eye on me, and I didn't appear ter be tikin' 
 no notice of 'im. Slowly 'e slides 'is 'oof over 
 thet coin, and stoops darn ter fawsten up 'is 
 boot-lice. I sees 'im fumblin' awye theer, 
 tryin' ter git thet coin up; then 'e chucks it, 
 and sets up agen. A moment arter 'e gort art, 
 31 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 and afore I'd done lawfin two ole lyedies come 
 in. Both of 'em sees the coin, and nudges 
 each other. Presently one of 'em stoops dam 
 ter pick it up. I storps 'er. ' Egscoose 
 me, ma'am,' I says, * but whort are yer 
 doin'?' 
 
 * Picking up a sixpence I dropped just now/ 
 sa}^ she, as bold as brass. 
 
 ' Beg pardon,* says I. ' Are yer sure thet's 
 it?' 
 
 ' In course I am,' says she. 
 
 ' I seed 'er drop it myself,' says the other 
 lyedy, ' and I seed it roll there. So don't 
 you try and pretend it's yours. Mister 
 Comducter.' 
 
 ' Suttingly not,' says I. ' If it's the lyedy's 
 let 'er pick it up. I only awst because I 'adn't 
 seed 'er drop nutthink.' 
 
 Then she tries ter pick it up, and the 
 gime begins. ' It must 'ave gort caught in 
 sutthink,' she says. 
 
 'Yes,* says I; 'it's caught in a tin-tack 
 
 'ammered through the middle of it. Likely 
 
 you dropped the 'ammer and tack sime time 
 32 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 you dropped the sixpence — on'y if you look 
 at it, you'll see as it ain't a sixpence. Shall I 
 storp the 'bus fur yer, ma'am, and send fur a 
 pair o' pincers ter pull it up with ? If it's your 
 propputy, it's a pity ter leave it be'ind, yer 
 know.' Them ole lyedies gawsped, I can tell 
 yer. 
 
 ' Very well,' says one o' them, ' we reports 
 you fur inserlence.' 
 
 ' Report awye,' says I. 
 
 ' And this is the lawst time we ever rides in 
 this 'bus,' says the other. 
 
 ' Well, that's a 'eavy blow fur the comp'ny,' 
 says I. * But, 'arrever, theer is jest a foo 
 people in Lunnun besides yerselves, and I 
 dessay we shall be ible to scratch along some'ow 
 withart yer pattrynidge.* 
 
 Well, ter think of it — two respeckerble- 
 lookin' nicely-dressed ole lyedies and both of 
 'em lyin' like troopers for the sike o' thrupence 
 each! 
 
 Fur enliv'nin' of the tejum o' the dye's work, 
 I dunno as I ever famd anythink do better 
 than thet coin niled to the floor o' the 'bus. 
 33 c 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 But arter a *alf hower of it, I pulled it up. 
 Thinks I ter myself, a little more o' this 
 and I shouldn't trust my own mother with 
 twopence to fetch me 'arf - a - pint on my 
 dying bed. 
 
 I mind one dye as we were stan'in* at the 
 Succus a lydy with a dorg womtid to git intir 
 the 'bus. 
 
 ' 'E's quite 'awmless,' she said. At that 
 moment 'er dorg nips 'old of my leg. ' That's 
 only 'is plye,* she says. 
 
 * That's all right, ma'am,' I remawks, as I 
 kicks the dorg dam an adjinin' street. * An' 
 sim'lar, that's just my bloomin' light-'awted- 
 ness. And I 'ope 'e mye tike it as it's 
 meant.' 
 
 She womted ter comtinny the awgjonent, 
 an' so did 'er dorg, but we moved on. Them 
 coppers disUkes loit'rin'. 
 
 But don't surpose as I wamt ter mike an 
 34 
 
Woman the Obscure 
 
 attack on the fair sect. By no means; if it 
 wam*t fur them we shouldn't be 'ere. They 
 is good and bad — sime as the men is, an* the 
 only diff'rmice is thet women is 'awder ter 
 unnerstand. Netshrally it's the wust of 'em 
 as sticks most in yer mem'ry. 
 
 35 
 
'IKE' 
 
Ike is a 'ot un. 'E's a chap as 'as bin in many 
 occypitions. *E's drove a 'bus. *E*s drove 
 a keb. 'E's bin clawk ter a bookey. 'E's 
 dropped so low that one 'awd winter 'e took a 
 dye at puttin' on skites fur people. Yer see, 
 'e'd bin misforchemit. 'Is 'bus 'ad bin ricin* 
 another 'bus, and the other 'bus 'ad knocked 
 a 'ansom keb all ter pulp, which led ter ing- 
 quiries, and throwed ole Ike art of work for a 
 bit. Well, as I sye, 'e took a dye at puttin' on 
 skites. I met 'im arterwuds. 'E'd lorst 'is 
 gimhck, but as 'e'd pinched it ter stawt with 
 thet didn't camt fur much. 'E'd cut both 
 'ands on a shawp skite-blide, but thet 'ad 
 meant a bob fur compensition. 'E'd got the 
 39 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 rhoomatism crool, thro' stannin' abart in the 
 
 cold. *E'd got *arf-a-cram left art of whart 
 
 'e 'ad mide, and a sible muff as 'e said 'e were 
 
 tikin' keer of fur a lyedy. 'E'd gort as near 
 
 drunk as no matter, and were goin* ter finish 
 
 it horf. And when I left 'im 'e looked as 
 
 hkely ter git fourteen dyes as ever I seed a man. 
 
 *E says nar as 'e'll never try it agin. The temp- 
 
 titions terwards injoodishusness in the matter 
 
 of ole rum is grite enough aurm' the winter 
 
 seasing withart settin' up a chill by puttin' on 
 
 skites. 
 
 Yes, Ike 'as occishanally in the drivin' of 'is 
 
 'bus gom beyond whort he ought ter go. I'm 
 
 a man as sticks up fur a man as fur as it can 
 
 be done, but I must sye as Ike 'as nar and then 
 
 give the coppers their chawnce. They may 
 
 'ave bin in the right sometimes, consequently 
 
 they 'as a predyjice agin Ike, and nar they kips 
 
 a eye on 'im and 'as 'im whart ever 'e does. If 
 
 'e were to set on a bloomin' monnymunt, 
 
 planted six foot deep, they'd pull 'im fur 
 
 drivin' of it wanton. If 'e could 'ave lived and 
 
 learned 'e'd 'ave dropped it afore 'e gort 'isself 
 40 
 
'Ike' 
 
 a nime fur sich conduc'. It ain't a good thing 
 ter git yerself a nime fur any think. If yer *as 
 a nime fur doin' whort yer oughtn't, yer gets 
 dropped on even when you're doin' what yer 
 ought, and if yer 'as a nime for doin' whort yer 
 ought, too much is egspectid of yer. 
 
 One time 'e drove fur a comtracter, but 'e 
 was 'awdly on ter the job afore 'e was orf it 
 agen — 'ad ter chuck it 'isself though there were 
 good money in it. Yer see, 'avin' bin idle some 
 time, 'e 'ad gort a month or so be'ind with 'is 
 rent, and the young man as collected said as 
 they'd seU 'im up, and fire 'im inter the street. 
 
 ' Well,' says ole Ike, * yer kin do thet, if yer 
 •like, but you'd be foolish, fur I've bin art of 
 wuk, but I'm on a jorb nar, and a good pyin' 
 jorb tew.' 
 
 ' Are yer ? ' says thet young collect in' chap, 
 smawt-like; * gled ter 'ear it, I'm shaw. And 
 wheer might be ? ' 
 
 Nar, theer's nutthink as angers a man whart's 
 
 a reg'lar Har more than nort bein' berlieved on 
 
 one o' them foo occisions when 'e 'appens ter 
 
 be tellin' the trooth. Ole Ike 'ad really gort 
 
 41 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 thet jorb, and this dartin* of 'is wud it annyed 
 
 'im. But 'e didn't show as 'e was put art. 'E 
 
 says, ' I'm took on a extry *and fumichur- 
 
 removin'/ And 'e give the chap the nime o' 
 
 the firm, and told 'im ter go and awsk if it 
 
 wom't true. So the chap did go, and they told 
 
 'im as it were all right. * Very well,' thinks 
 
 Ike, ' nar you'U git yerself *urt fur nort ber- 
 
 lievin' of me.' 'E gits told as nex' momin' 
 
 'e's ter tike a big Pentechnikin van and a pair 
 
 o* 'orses right up ter the north o' London ter 
 
 do a removal. Ike goes strite off on a 'bus, 
 
 looks 'isself art a httle phce, and says as 'e'll 
 
 move in early next momin'; so when he took 
 
 the van art o* the yawd, instead o' goin' strite 
 
 up north, 'e fust of aU goes ter the 'ouse wheer 
 
 'e were Hvin', and runs all 'is bits o* sticks inter 
 
 the van. Then 'e drives off as cawm as pos- 
 
 serble, and meets thet young coUectin' chap 
 
 comin' dam the road. Thet chap didn't suspec' 
 
 nutthink. When a pore man's goin' ter do a 
 
 moonhght flit 'e don't do it in broad dyehght^ 
 
 and 'e don't do it with one o' them swell vans 
 
 and a pair o' fat 'orses, and tew other men ter 
 42 
 
'Ike' 
 
 help. 'E just wites fur a dawk night, and gits 
 a little lonely cawt, and loads it up *isself. 
 And thet chap knew it; so he just pawsed a 
 good-momin' ter Ike, and went on. In course, 
 Ike 'ad give them two men as were with 'im 
 the office, and a promise of a pot or so when 
 the jorb were done, and so they weren't goin' 
 ter sye nutthink. Ike just storped at 'is noo 
 plice, and dropped 'is bits o' fumichur, and then 
 'e goes on ter the removin' jorb as 'e were doin' 
 fur the firm. 'E shot the moon feerly success- 
 ful, 'e did, and nutthink ter pye — yoose of a van 
 and a pair of 'orses all free gritis. 
 
 But 'e 'ad the sense ter find 'isself another 
 jorb, and nort go back ter that removin' firm 
 agen. 'E wasn't goin* ter be nowheer wheer 
 that young chap could come moochin' ramd 
 ter find art 'is address. 'E's a cunnin' ole bird, 
 when 'e's sober, is Ike. 
 
 And when 'e were at keb work 'e 'ad a cunnin* 
 ole 'orse of 'is own too. This is Ike's story 
 abart that 'orse. 
 
 'E an' 'is keb were crawlin' along the Strand. 
 Ole Ike 'e 'ad 'is skin-ful, and were wise enough 
 43 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ter mean to let the 'orse tike *im 'ome quiet. I 
 remembers thet 'orse. It were old, but theer 
 were no mistike abart its bein' clever. It 'ad 
 'woikked in Lunnun fur seven year, an* whether 
 yer is a man or whether yer is a *orse, thet 
 teaches yer sutthink. As I sye, Ike were mikin' 
 fur *is mews, but it wom't ter be. A busy- 
 lookin', snappy - looking gent r'ised 'is stick, 
 and thet ole 'orse, knowin' 'is business, brought 
 the keb up ter the kerb. 
 
 ' Number fifty-three Sutthink-or-other Terris, 
 St. John's Wood,' says the gent, shawp-hke. 
 
 Well, nar, thet put Ike in rawther a tight 
 phce. Whort 'e womted ter do was ter sye as 
 'e were chinging 'orses, and wud be obliged if 
 the gent wud tike another keb. But theer 'e 
 was — 'e were thet bad thet 'e knew if 'e opened 
 'is marth, the gent wud twig as 'e were tight, 
 an' likely git 'im lugged fur bein' drunk while 
 drivin' 'is keb. 'E looked jest the kind o' gent 
 ter tike offence at a trifle hke thet. So Ike 
 nodded pleasant-hke, an' the gent gort in. Ike 
 did his best ter drive, an' 'eaded the 'orse 
 up Drury Line ter Oxfurd Street, but, before 
 44 
 
'Ike' 
 
 *e'd ever gort there a sorter wive of unconk- 
 shusness sim'd ter come over 'im. Theer 'e set 
 in a sorter stoopid daze, with the rines loose 
 in 'is 'and, and whort 'appened 'e knew no 
 more'n a child until 'e woke up agin. 
 
 When 'e woke up the keb were goin* dam 
 thet very terris where the gent 'ad said 'e 
 womted ter go. Minjer, I'm tellin' this story 
 as Ike told it ter me. Whort with 'is little nap 
 and whort with 'is scare at 'avin' bin asleep, 'e 
 were pretty well sobered. 'E twigged as 'ow 
 the 'orse must 'ave *eard whort the gent said, 
 and 'ad pulled 'im through, but 'ow the coppers 
 'adn't niled 'im was whort licked 'im. 
 
 Well, when the gent gort art, and were pyin' 
 Ike, 'e says ter *im, — 
 
 ' Narce little 'orse, thet of yours.' 
 
 ' 'E is,' says Ike. 
 
 ' But theer 's one queer thing abart 'im.* 
 
 ' Wharfs thet? ' says Ike. 
 
 *Whart? Ain't you noticed it, and you 
 a-drivin' of 'im? Whenever 'e sees a copper 
 'e 'urries up, and don't slow dam agin till 'e's 
 sifely pawst. 'As 'e bin doin' time ? ' 
 45 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 * No/ says Ike. But, accordin' ter Ike's 
 accamt, if it 'adn't bin fur the cunnin' an' 
 hinstink of thet ole 'orse, Ike would 'ave 'ad 
 ter do a bit o' time 'isself. And 'e's a griteful 
 sort o' chap is Ike when 'e's 'ad a kindness done 
 'im. The 'orse got a extry feed that night. 
 
 Thet's Ike's story. I don't sye as it isn't a 
 lawge marthful ter swaller. It is. I don't sye 
 as I can swaller it 'ole myself. I cawn't. Still, 
 I knew thet ole 'orse, an' 'e were a clever 'orse. 
 When 'e'd bin anywheer, 'e remembered it. 
 And *e'd bin on the rank just artside thet terris 
 more'n a year afore Ike picked 'im up. 
 
 The other dye 'e gort talkin' abart thet sime 
 ole 'orse, and were syin' as 'e wished 'e 'ad 'im 
 still. * Why,' says Ike, ' thet 'orse were more 
 like a fawther ter me nor any think else. Yer 
 couldn't mike thet 'orse pull up at more'n three 
 pubs in the course of a artemoon. 'E knowed 
 whart were good fur me an' whart were exceed- 
 in*. 'E'd storp at three pubs as quiet as a 
 lamb, but arter thet no more. Try ter pull 'im 
 up fur one extry drink arter that, and 'e was 
 
 like ter jump art of 'is skin. 'E'd sooner 'ave 
 46 
 

'Ike' 
 
 kicked the cab ter bits nor storped. I can tell 
 yer 'e kep* me sober, thet 'orse did/ 
 
 ' Well/ says 'Ankin, ' whart were 'e doin' of 
 thet night you was too drunk ter drive the gent, 
 and 'ad ter leave it ter the 'orse ? ' 
 
 ' 'E were all right. I 'adn't bin ter only 
 one pub, and I took it all in there. Yer don't 
 surpose as 'e cud see inter the bar an' check off 
 'ow many drinks I'd 'ad, do yer? 'E surposed 
 as I were settin' smokin' of my pipe and drinkin' 
 of my one pint rather extry slow. 'E were a 
 good un, thet 'orse were, but I don't sye as 'e 
 were a merracle.* 
 
 Yuss, 'e's done a good many things, 'as Ike — 
 and a good many people too. I mind one time 
 when 'e'd bin droppin' it over the Warrerloo 
 Cup. Then 'e dropped a bit more at Warwick. 
 Then 'e took to some gineral all-ramd bettin' 
 on any think as turned up, and shed 'is money 
 ev'ry time. Lawst of all, 'e got thet low thet 
 'e needed a drink, warnted it bad, couldn't find 
 the money fur it, and couldn't put 'is 'and on a 
 pal ter stand it 'im. Well, ole Ike don't keer, 
 'e don't. 'E stalks inter the top-clawss privit 
 49 D 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 saloon bar, sime as 'e might 'ave bin the King 
 o' Hingland, plumps 'isself dam on the red 
 plush, and begins ter think. 'E's aUus dressed 
 rawther in the slap-up Hne, is ole Ike, and 'e 
 didn't look as pore as 'e was. Just fur the sike 
 o' syin' sutthink, 'e said a pot o' the best bitter. 
 By the time they'd drord thet, Ike 'ad thort art 
 'is little gime. ' Gimme a clean wine-glawss 
 as weU/ says 'e; ' and mind yer wipe it art 
 keerful.' The man in the bar looked surprised, 
 but 'e give it 'im. Then Ike moved off ter a 
 comer, as if 'e didn't womt nobody ter see 
 whort 'e were doin', but he took jolly good keer 
 ter sit so as the 'ole thing were reflected in a 
 lookin'-glawss whort the barman cud see. 
 
 Then 'e begun a Uttle bit o' inspectin' fake, 
 did Ike. It were a 'igh-toned performance, I 
 can tell yer. Fust 'e took a good pull at the 
 beer, then 'e framd an' looked serus. Next 
 'e pours a little o' the beer inter the sherry- 
 glawss, an' pulls art the ole note-book as 'e 
 pencils dam 'is bets in. Inside thet note-book 
 is some bloomin' 'and-biU on green piper. Ike 
 tears off a Uttle bit o' green piper an' a little bit 
 50 
 
' Ike ' 
 
 o' white. 'E dips the green piper in the 
 glawss, and egsamines it very keerful, does the 
 sime thing with the white, writes dam sutthink 
 in 'is note-book, sighs, puts up the note-book^ 
 and buttons 'is coat, feelin' in the tickit-pocket 
 as if 'e were goin' ter pye fur the beer an' move 
 on. By thet time the manager's come ramd^ 
 an' touches Ike on the shoulder. 
 
 ' Beg yer pawdon,' says the manager, ' but 
 theer's nutthink wrong with the beer, I 'ope ? " 
 
 Ike pretends ter be stawtled. ' Why, whort 
 mikes yer sye that ? ' says 'e. 
 
 ' We seed it all reflected in the glawss,' says 
 the manager. * You ain't actin' fur a inspecter,. 
 are yer ? ' 
 
 ' Ho, no,' says Ike. * And the beer's so good 
 I wamt a little in a bottle ter tike awye with 
 me, and I'll see fur myself that it's the sime 
 beer, please.' 
 
 The manager puts two 'arf-crams dam on 
 the tible, and says, ' You've dropped some 
 money theer, 'aven't yer ? ' 
 
 Ike says, ' I deem't do it — it's more'n my 
 plice is wuth.' 
 
 51 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' 'Oo*s ter know ? * says the manager, put tin' 
 dam another 'arf-cram. 
 
 Ike picks 'em up, and puts 'em in 'is pockit, 
 and pretends ter mike an alterition in 'is note- 
 hook. * Very well, then,' says Ike, * I calls 
 iur a pint o' the sime beer in a bottle, and if 
 you should 'appen ter bring me a diff'runt 
 one, then thet's your mistike, and I knows 
 nut think abart it.* ' Thet's right,' says the 
 manager, with a full-sized 'ealthy wink, ' but 
 I never knowed 'em ter run the gime this wye 
 before — ^new line, ain't it ? ' 
 
 So the end of thet were thet Ike walked horf 
 Avith seven-an'-six, and a bottle o' good beer in 
 *is pockit; and the real inspecter come dam 
 •on thet pubhc next dye, and Ike ain't done 
 lawfin yet. 
 
 And I orter tell yer whort *e done once in the 
 dyes afore 'e come ter Lunnun. Thet were 
 when 'e were workin' fur a dairy. This time 
 the luck were with 'im; the chawnce were 
 throwed at 'im, so ter speak, and 'e couldn't 
 ^t awye from it. 
 
 WeU, as 'e were goin' dam the street — it were 
 52 
 
*Ike' 
 
 in one o' them subbubs — 'e came on a 'orse 
 whort 'ad dropped dead in the shawfts. Theer 
 were a country-lookin* chap *ad bin drivin' of it, 
 and Ike lent 'im a 'and with backin' off the cawt, 
 ' 'Ow did it 'appen ? ' said Ike. "Ad a fit ? ' 
 
 ' Dunno/ said the chap. ' Storped, went 
 all of a tremble-like, an' rolled over. Why, 
 we 'adn't come more'n a 'undred yawds from 
 the mews.' 
 
 ' And wharfs ter be done next ? * 
 
 ' I'd better go back and awsk my boss. 'E 
 ain't a bad sort. 'E'U mike it wuth yer while 
 if you'll stop till I come beck and kip a eye on 
 the cawt.' 
 
 With thet 'e went ofT, and the crard begun 
 ter gather ararnd. Theer was a narce manly- 
 lookin' curit came bustin' up on a tricycle. 
 He storped 'is mersheen, jumped orf, and come 
 up rawther offishus : 
 
 * 'Adn't you better stand back theer, all yo i 
 good people,' says the curit, ' an' give the poor 
 animile air ? ' 
 
 * No yoose, sir,* says Ike, very respectful; 
 * the 'orse is dead.* 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Dear, dear/ the curit says, ' I'm afraid this 
 is a sad loss for a pore man like you.' 
 
 The curit 'ad jimiped ter the comclooshun 
 as it were Ike's 'orse; and you may bet yer Ufe 
 as Ike tumbled to thet right awye. 
 
 * You mye well sye so,' says Ike. ' I'd only 
 'ad 'im a year.' 
 
 ' And you was very good friends, I dersye,* 
 said the curit. 
 
 ' Thet we was. Look at 'im as 'e lies theer; 
 'e ain't bin stawved, and 'e ain't never 'ad a 
 blow from me.' Thet were aU right, fur the 
 'orse were as fat as butter, and looked as if 'e'd 
 bin well-treated. ' 'Ow I'm ter git another is 
 whort worries me, and my hvin' depends on it.' 
 
 WeU, theer were sev'ral gents in the crard as 
 the curit sim'd ter know, and 'e went ramd 
 to 'em and mide a colleckshin — twenty-three 
 shinins in aU. 'E 'anded the money ter Ike, 
 and said as it 'ud be sutthink terwards bu5rin' a 
 noo 'orse. And Ike thenk'd 'em aU, and said 
 as 'e were very griteful, and 'e were. Then 'e 
 said as 'e'd go orf and borrer a 'orse ter tike the 
 cawt home. ('E'd seed a copper comin'.) 
 54 
 
'Ike' 
 
 'E went orf up a side-street and ramd a 
 comer, leavin* the curit an' the rest on 'em still 
 standin' ramd the axerdunt, and as soon as 'e 
 were sife ramd the comer, 'e run like knife, 
 you bet. 
 
 'E'll do yer, even when 'e ain't stannin' ter 
 mike nutthink art of it 'isself. Theer was a 
 chap in ar yawd went by the nime of Williams ; 
 cleverish young chap in 'is wye, cud write verses 
 with rhymes in 'em, an' did it more'n once, 
 too, for I seed 'em myself. Nicish sort, too, 
 though a bit slow; but 'e were feerly give up 
 ter sooperstishings. You couldn't think o' 
 nutthink as 'e wouldn't berlieve. 'E'd bin ter 
 three forchoon-tellers, an' spent money over 
 'em, and all three of 'em told 'is forchoon all 
 diff'runt, and blimey if 'e didn't berlieve the 
 lot. 'E were alius egspectin' as sutthink bad 
 were goin' ter 'appen ter 'im, or else sutthink 
 good, accordin' ter the signs of 'is luck as 'e'd 
 noticed. Nutthink ever did 'appen ter 'im 
 perticlar bad or perticlar otherwise, but 'e went 
 on berlievin' in it just the sime. Lawst of all, 
 ole Ike took 'im in 'and. ' Look 'ere,' says 
 55 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ole Ike, ' do yer think as them prophetic 
 ormemacks knows what's goin' ter 'appen? ' 
 
 ' Think it? ' says Williams; ' I'm jolly sure 
 of it. They ain't never wrong. The man as 
 writes them knows a bit, though 'ow 'e knows 
 it that ain't fur us ter sye.' 
 
 ' Well, any'ow,' says Ike, ' I've gort one o' 
 them ormemacks 'ere, and I don't berheve none 
 of it.* And 'e pulls the ormemack art of 'is 
 pockit. 
 
 ' Give it a fair test,' says WiUiams. ' Tike 
 next month's prophercy, an' see whort 'appens.' 
 
 * You can do it fur yerself,' says Ike. With 
 that, 'e tears art the prophercy fur the next 
 month, and WiUiams tikes it. 
 
 At the end of the month Williams comes 
 back with thet prophercy, reg'lar joobilant. 
 ' It's all come troo, ev'ry wud of it,* says 'e. 
 
 'Oh! *as it? ' says Ike. 
 
 ' It 'as thet,' says Williams. * The prophet 
 says as we shall be 'orrified by the shock of 
 earthquike.' 
 
 ' An* theer ain't bin no earthquike,' says Ike. 
 
 But it turned art as theer *ad bin a sHght 
 S6 
 
' Ike ' 
 
 shock in a small island horf the coast o' some- 
 wheer or other as I cawn't remember. Then 
 the ormemack 'ad said as the death of a 
 member of the ryal fam'ly wild be a source of 
 pine an' grief ter many. As Williams pineted 
 art, it didn't sye the Hinglish ryal fam'ly, an' 
 some art-of-the-way furrin prince 'ad gone pop, 
 an* so the ormemack 'ad gort it agin. Like- 
 wise it 'ad landed a big shippin' disawster — 
 thet were pline enough, an' no mistike abart 
 it, an' I own as it staggered me jest at the fust. 
 
 ' Nar then,' says Williams, ' do yer mean ter 
 sye as them ormemacks don't know a bit ? ' 
 
 ' I mean ter sye as they don't know nutthink,' 
 says ole Ike. ' Look 'ere ! 'Ere's the ormer- 
 nack. 'Ere's wheer I tore the bit art fur yer.' 
 
 ' Thet's all right,' says WiUiams. 
 
 ' Look at it agin,' says Ike. ' Look at the 
 dite of it, yer juggins.' It were a old ormer- 
 nack, one fur three years afore. 
 
 It's 'Ankin as ole Ike mostly goes fur, but 
 
 'e's plyed it off on me afore this. One dye 'e 
 
 says ter me, says 'e, ' In this 'ere matter o' 
 
 threepennuth o' ole rum,' says 'e, ' it ain't whart 
 
 57 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 you'd call a heasy thing ter git it withart pyin* 
 fur it/ 
 
 'No/ says I, 'it cawn't be done — \vuss 
 luck!* 
 
 ' Yuss, it can/ says 'e, ' if yer knows yer wye 
 abart/ 
 
 ' *0w der yer mean? ' says I. 
 
 ' Well/ says 'e, ' yer picks yer public keerful 
 — one o* them wheer the toffs (butlers an' sich) 
 drops in occishanal; yer saunters inter the top- 
 price bar, and orders anythink as yer 'as a fancy 
 fur. Then, when it comes ter the pyin', yer 
 feels in yer pocket as if egspectin* ter find yer 
 purse there. " Why, blow me tight," yer says 
 ter the gal be'ind the bar, civilly, " if I ain't 
 come art withart it! But I'm in 'ere most 
 dyes — settle it ter-morrer." And she says, 
 " Thet'll be quite all right, sir. Any time 
 you're pawsin'. Good-momin'." And she 
 chalks it up on the shte, and you says " Good- 
 momin' " likewise, and art yer comes. Then, 
 if yer do look in ter-morrer, yer pye fur it, and 
 if yer don't, then it 'as ter stand over until 
 
 yer do/ 
 
 58 
 
' Ike ' 
 
 I says ter *im, rather sarcawstic, ' Are yer 
 awskin me ter berlieve thet ? * 
 
 ' You can do as yer like abart it, but it's 
 right. Wheer chaps like you goes wrong is in 
 bein' too bloomin* *umble. Yer goes inter a 
 pub where they don't give no credit, and in 
 course yer don't get none. Go inter a reg'lar 
 slap-up plice, and awst fer it as if yer egspected 
 ter git it, and yer will git it. It's all in the wye 
 yer do it.' 
 
 ' 'Ave yer ever done it yerself ? ' 
 
 * Scores o' times; never miss.' 
 
 ' Well,' I says, ' I'll bet yer a bob yer don't 
 do it nar.' 
 
 ' Done with you,' says 'e. Well, 'e took me 
 inter a wipe-yer-boots-on-the-mat kind of a 
 drorin'-room, and ordered two threes o' rum, 
 as cool as anythink. A most elegint-lookin' 
 young lyedy 'anded us the drinks, and Ike 
 pawsed 'er some remawk on the weather or 
 sutthink. When 'e comes ter go, 'e felt fur 'is 
 money as natshral as posserble, and then said, 
 ' Let thet stand over till ter-morrer, miss, will 
 yer? Left all my cash in the other wescut.* 
 59 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 'That'll be quite all right/ says she. 
 'Any time when you're 'ere will do fur 
 that.' 
 
 It staggered me. I 'adn't berUeved it 
 posserble. I pulled art my bob, and 'anded it 
 to 'im. 'E pawsed it on ter 'er, syin', ' Find as 
 I can pye, awter all.' 
 
 Then she begun ter lawf. ' Why,' she says, 
 ' this is the sixteenth man you've caught with 
 that Httle trick.' 
 
 ' Suttingly,' says 'e, ' with yer kind assist- 
 ance. Dew me the pleasure ter dror yerself 
 a glawss o' whart yer fancies on it.' 
 
 Which she did. It were all a bloomin' put- 
 up jorb between 'em. 
 
 But, hke most o' them as is alius at it, ole Ike 
 gits left sometimes. One dye as we stood 
 a-talkin', up 'e come. 'E were lookin' rawther 
 pile abart the fice and sorter sheepish, and 'e'd 
 gort a pink-coloured shide over 'is left peeper. 
 Netshrally, we bust art a-lawfin'. 
 
 ' Whart are you bin a-doin' of ? ' I says. 
 
 * ' Angin' up a pickshur and mistook yer bloomin' 
 
 hye fur the bloomin' tin-tack ? ' 
 60 
 
'Ike' 
 
 * Gam/ says the nex' chap. * Thet's whart 
 'appens from interfeerin' with another man's 
 second best gel.* 
 
 ' Stow it,' says a third. ' 'E were goin* 'ome 
 from the mishn'ry meetin', pufhckly sober, 
 when one o' them nawsty lamp-posts steps 
 acrorst an' landed 'im on the heyeball.' 
 
 ' Hah ! ' says Ike, savage-like, ' you're a 
 bloomin' funny lot, all of yer, I don't 
 think.' 
 
 ' Well,' says 'Ankin, ' when a chep goes 
 promenidin' ramd with a bleck eye, 'e must 
 egspeck a little beddinawge.' 'Ow 'e picks up 
 them 'igh-clawss wuds is a thing as pawses my 
 knowlidge ! 
 
 ' Dunno whart you're tawkin' abart,' says 
 Ike. ' Whart's bleck eyes gort ter do with 
 me? ' 
 
 * Ho, nutthink! ' says 'Ankin, speakin' sar- 
 cawstic. 'Suttingly not. Your hye's all right 
 — thet's why you're wearing o' thet bloomin' 
 winder-blind over it.' 
 
 * Very well,' says Ike, * and nar surposin' I 
 
 tell yer strite thet I 'adn't got no bleck eye, 
 6i 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 nor nutthink else the matter with it, whart 'ud 
 you mike o* thet ? * 
 
 ' Whart 's the use of all this talk? ' says a 
 quiet chep, by the nime of 'Enery 'All. * I'll 
 lye yer a bob yer 'ave gort a black eye — ^nar 
 then.' 
 
 ' Done with you/ sharts Ike, puUin' orf thet 
 shide. It were all one of 'is tricks; 'e 'adn't 
 gort no black eye at aU, and 'e'd just put on 
 thet pink-coloured shide so as ter git the bet 
 on with siunmun. 
 
 As I sye, 'Enery 'AU is a quiet sort o' chep. 
 'E pulls art 'is bob, and 'ands it over. Ole Ike 
 was a-roUin' abart, and 'oldin' of 'is sides 
 with lawfter. * Womt ter mike any more 
 bets? ' 
 
 * Yuss,' says 'Enery 'All, ' I don't mind. 
 You was a-wearin* thet shide when yer didn't 
 need it, I'U bet yer another bob yer 'as ter 
 wear it becos yer does need it. Tike yer coat 
 orf and come on ! * 
 
 So they stepped dam a court, out of the wye 
 
 o' the coppers, and 'ad a bit of a set-to. 
 
 The lawst I saw of ole Ike 'e'd pide over 'is 
 62 
 
'Ike' 
 
 bob, and were just horf ter buy another shide. 
 Yer see, 'e 'ad two eyes, and they womted one 
 apiece. 
 
 Yes, 'e goes a bit too fur, and nar and again 
 'e comes up agenst a chep Hke 'Enery 'All, and 
 then theer's trouble. 
 
 63 
 
' 'ANKIN ' 
 
' *ANKIN ' 
 
 NKlN is a sowshal reformer. 
 
 'E's gort grievances 
 
 aginst ev'rythink. *E injyes denamcin', and 
 
 egsposin', and overthrowin' and abolishin'. 
 
 If yer listen ter 'im yer'd think as most 
 
 things were worm-eaten, an' the rest was 
 
 'oneycombed, and anythink left over were 
 
 the thin end o' the wedge. I dunno whart 'is 
 
 perlitical opinions is, but I don't 'old with 'em. 
 
 My word, if my perlitical opinions were sime as 
 
 'is, I'd never breathe 'em ter a livin' soul! I'd 
 
 be too much ashimed of 'em. But 'Ankin ain't 
 
 one ter keep 'is marth shut. 'E 'as the gift of 
 
 the gab, whart 's took root in 'im deep, and 'e 
 
 cawn't git awye from it. Well, 'e were at a 
 
 little friendly meetin' among pals, sutthink in 
 
 the wye of a smoker, I shud imadjine. The 
 
 percedin's closed with the Nashnal Anthem, fur 
 67 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 which they all stood up — thet is, all egsep* 
 'Ankin. ' Stand up/ summun sharts at 'im- 
 ' Shawn't/ says 'Ankin. ' I ain't no 'eathen 
 washupper of idols. While thet theer toon's 
 bein* plyed, I refooses ter stand up/ 
 
 And whort they did ter 'im next I cawn*t 
 egsackly sye, but nex* dye the trouble was ter 
 persuide *Ankin ter sit dam. 
 
 Ah! And 'e'd be in wuss trouble nor thet 
 
 if it wam't fur 'is ole missus. She drives 'im 
 
 on the curb, she do. Left ter 'isself 'e'd as 
 
 soon blow up the 'Ouse o' Lords as look at it. 
 
 But she knows diff'nmt. 'E's gort ter bring 
 
 'is money 'ome an' keep art o' the road on 
 
 washin' dyes; and 'e does it. 'E's a flimin' 
 
 volkiner at a meetin', but 'e's a apolergizin' 
 
 time rabbit at 'ome. Clever chap too. It's 
 
 alius bin a wunner ter my mind 'ow 'Ankin 
 
 don't do better at pawsin' remawks as 'e goes 
 
 along on 'is 'bus. 'Is tahnks is undeniable, 
 
 and 'is gift fur lengwidge is sutthink as 'as ter 
 
 be seen ter be berlieved. But then 'e's gort 
 
 yoosed ter addressin' crawds, and they wites 
 
 fur yer ter come ter the pint of yer remawks 
 68 
 
< 'Ankin ' 
 
 gradshal. It ain't like thet on a 'bus. Whort 
 yer cawn't sye in 'awf-a-second ain't wuth 
 syin' at all. It mye be all very fine, an' narcely 
 expressed, and so on, but it don't git 'ome. 
 'Ankin stawts ter awnser back, but before 'e's 
 gort inter 'is stride, so ter speak, the 'bus 'as 
 gone on, and the other chap sings art, * Call fur 
 it ter-morrer,' or ' Write it art, an' post it,' or 
 some sich words as them. Now, ole Ike ain't 
 gort 'arf the talinks of 'Ankin, but when 'e 
 were on a 'bus, afore 'e met with misforchoons 
 along o' them coppers, 'e was abart as 'andy 
 with 'is tongue as any man, and there weren't 
 many as keered ter tackle 'im. One dye, I 
 remember, Ike 'ad bin annoyin' of a 'ansom 
 cab, wouldn't let it git pawst, 'ad bin nursin' 
 of it 'alf-wye dam Orxfud Street ; at lawst the 
 cabby gits alongside and sings art, ' You ought 
 ter be drivin' of a muck-cawt.' 
 
 ' Whort ? ' says Ike, ' drive the 'earse at 
 your foon'ral? 'Appy, I'm sure!' Gort 
 'im. 
 
 We sees a good bit of one another — me and 
 
 Ike and 'Ankin. O' course Ike an' me unner- 
 69 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 stands 'is weak pints an' mikes allarances. 
 
 Likewise abart once a fortnight Ike 'ull plye 
 
 orf a bit o* kid on *im so as ter teach 'im 'is 
 
 plice and encourage 'im ter 'old 'is jaw a little. 
 
 Theer was a kise nort so long ago as I'll tell yer 
 
 abart. 'Ankin's a mawvil at gittin' up a perti- 
 
 tion or a Ramd Robin, or anythink o' thet kind. 
 
 'E injys the yoosin' of super'or lengwidge 
 
 and writin' of it art in a bew'ful 'and, and then 
 
 tikin' it ramd ter git ev'rybody ter sign it. It 
 
 got ter be a reg'lar 'abit with *im and a pufi&ck 
 
 noosance ter iv'rybody. Nutthink cud 'appen 
 
 but whort 'Ankin wud 'ave ter write art a piper 
 
 abart it and come botherin' all of us ter put 
 
 our nimes ter it. At fust we did it, not becos 
 
 we keered twopence abart anti-vaccinition, 
 
 or whortever it might be as 'e were petitionin* 
 
 abart, but jest by wye of obhgin' a pal. But 
 
 at lawst it got ter a reg'lar artrige, and we 
 
 couldn't stomach no more of it. 
 
 Well, old Ike gort 'old of *im. We three 
 
 were tikin' the yooshal lotion one night, and 
 
 ole Ike says: * Thet's 'awd Hues, thet kise o* 
 
 Jimes Cowback, o' Fulham.' 
 70 
 
' 'Ankin ' 
 
 * Ay/ I says, ' crool 'awd, thet is.' I *adn't 
 got no noshing whart *e meant, yer know, but 
 I cud see as *e were outer sut think by the fac' 
 as 'e give a wink. 
 
 * Why, wharfs the matter with 'im? * says 
 'Ankin. 
 
 'Matter with him?' says Ike. ' Thet's a 
 bloomin' narce questshing ter awst, I don't 
 think, when the poor beggar's goin' ter be 
 strung up next Toosd'y week.' 
 
 ' Whart is they 'anging 'im fur ? ' awsts 
 'Ankin. 
 
 ' Why, because 'e murdered 'is ole missis.' 
 
 ' Well,' 'Ankin says, * I ain't one as 'olds 
 with kep'tal punishment, but still the law is 
 the law, and if 'e did kill *er — ' 
 
 ' 'Old yer tongue, yer Juggins,' says Ike. 
 ' Jimes Cowback found 'is missus beatin' their 
 kid fit ter kill the boy. 'E told 'er to drop it, 
 an' she wouldn't. So 'e caught 'old of 'er ter 
 pull 'er awye, and she went over outer the 
 fender and broke 'er crust. So nar 'e's got 
 to be 'anged, and I calls it a shime.' 
 
 * Sims rum,' says 'Ankin. 
 71 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Why, it's a puffick scandal! 'E was a pore 
 chap, and 'adn't gort no money ter get 'isself 
 a smart mouthpiece. And 'e don't sime ter 
 'ave no friends neither, else they'd write to 
 the 'Ome Sekkytary abart it, and 'e'd soon 
 storp it, once 'e knowed.' 'Ankin gits very 
 egsited, and brings 'is fist dam on the tible. 
 * BUmey,' 'e says, * if I don't sive that pore 
 chap's hfe! You give me all the detiles, and 
 I'll dror art the pertition myself, and tike it 
 ramd myself, and not rest till I've gort a 
 tharsand nimes ter it.' 
 
 'Ah!' says Ike, ' nar you're talkin'. I'll 
 give yer the detiles fawst enough.' 
 
 So *e gort a bit o' noospiper art of 'is pocket 
 and pert ended ter read from it, and 'Ankin 
 took notes an' went orf in a 'urry ter git art 
 his pertition. 
 
 Then Ike 'e lawfed tiU I thought 'e'd 'urt 
 'isself . For there never was no Jimes Cowback, 
 and the 'ole thing were a bit o' bloomin' kid from 
 beginnin' ter end. 
 
 Next dye Ike stawtid off. 'E didn't begin 
 
 with us, but jist went from 'ouse to 'ouse, and 
 72 
 
' 'Ankin ' 
 
 that's the funny thing abart it. 'E'd gort a 
 'undred an* fifty-four signychoors afore 'e 
 famd art as 'e'd bin kidded. I surpose, when 
 'e called at any 'ouse, they were so glad that 'e 
 'adn't come for a donition or the taxes that they 
 signed it art o' gratitood withart tikin* much 
 notice whort it were abart. 
 
 But thet froze 'Ankin off of 'is pertitionizin' 
 fur a bit. 
 
 Once and once only do I remember 'Ankin 
 gettin' a bit of 'is own back — though 'e's tried 
 it on with me orftun enough. And thet time 
 it wam't badly thought art. It were like this. 
 They'd dropped inter a public tergither, and 
 ole Ike 'ad shifted 'is liquor an' put 'is money 
 dam. Quick as hght 'Ankin picks art a penny 
 o' thet money, and says ter the gel be'ind the 
 bar, * Look 'ere, my dear, I'll give yer twopence 
 fur thet penny.' 
 
 ' Ho, I'll sell yer as many as yer like at thet 
 price,' says the gel. 
 
 ' It's only this pertic'lar one as I womts,' 
 says 'Ankin. 
 
 * Whart ! ' says the gel, ' is that one o* them 
 73 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 whart 'ad the gold put in by mistike, and was 
 arterwuds recalled? ' 
 
 * Ah ! ' says 'Ankin, ' awskin' is one thing, 
 and awnserin' is another.' 
 
 ' Ho, you are cross! ' says the gel. 
 
 Ole Ike 'e'd listened ter all this, and *e looked 
 a bit uneasy and suspicious hke. 'Arrever, 
 'e'd mide up 'is mind as 'Ankin 'ud be bamd ter 
 give the show awye, and so 'e jest set tight and 
 awst no questshings. Never another wud did 
 'Ankin sye abart thet penny ; 'e went on talkin' 
 abart the Comsut of Yewrup. Nar the Com- 
 sut of Yewrup ain't nutthink ter Ike, and Ike 
 ain't nutthink ter the Cornsut of Yewrup, and 
 so all the time Ike were thinkin' whart on earth 
 'Ankin wamted ter give twopence fur thet 
 pertic'lar penny fur. 'E 'ad bin told some- 
 wheer or other as pennies o' some pertic'lar dite 
 'ad aU bin called in, and they'd give yer 'alf a 
 thick-'un fur one of 'em at the Benk. Soon as 
 they'd gort artside, Ike says ter 'Ankin, ' 'Old 
 on a bit. I'm jest goin' beck ter git a light.* In 
 course 'e reaUy went beck ter awsk the gel if she'd 
 noticed anything pertic'lar abart thet penny. 
 74 
 
' ' Ankin ' 
 
 * Well/ she said, ' I couldn't sye. It rung 
 a bit queer, but 'e'd nipped on ter it ommust 
 afore I cud see it.' 
 
 Then Ike come ter me and tol' me all abart 
 it, and said as, prorp'ly speakin', 'e considud 
 as 'Ankin 'ad done 'im art of 'awf-a-sov. In 
 course I seed as it were a put-up jorb, but I 
 worn't goin' ter spile sport. 
 
 Two dyes arterwuds 'Ankin come art in a 
 new 'at, and Ike felt suttin' as 'e were right. 
 So 'e went ter 'Ankin, and he says, ' Look 'ere, 
 wheer did yer tike them pitent twopenny 
 pennies, and whart d'yer git fur 'em? ' 
 
 ' Stow it ! ' says 'Ankin. ' If ev'rybody 
 knowed ev'rythink, I couldn't live, let alone 
 get a new 'at.* 
 
 ' It's feer does,' says Ike; ' I'll stand yer a 
 pint.' 
 
 Ike's ideer was to go wheer 'Ankin 'ad 
 sold thet penny, and find art whart the 
 dite 'ad ter be, and keep a look-art fur 'em 
 in foochur. 
 
 ' Very well,' says 'Ankin, and 'e took dam 
 'is pint. 
 
 75 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Nar then/ says Ike. 
 
 ' That penny o* yours whart I give twopence 
 fur I took ter the Gin'ral Post Orfus/ 
 
 ' A ! ' says Ike, ' I knowed it were either the 
 Post Orfus or the Benk. And whart did they 
 give ye fur it ? ' 
 
 * They give me a penny stamp fur it/ 
 says 'Ankin, * and yer can hck it if yer 
 hke/ 
 
 Then 'Ankin made a bolt fur it, and bein' 
 pretty 'andy with *is feet, gort awye before 
 Ike could git at 'im. Then 'Ankin were 
 'appy — leastwise as 'appy as yer can 
 egspeck a dam - trodden sowshal reformer 
 ter be. 
 
 But theer is one more remawkable pint 
 
 abart 'Ankin, and thet is 'is luck. 'E 'on't own 
 
 ter it, *e don't do nut think with it, and 'e don't 
 
 even Hke yer ter talk abart it. But theer it is. 
 
 With 'awf 'is luck I'd buy up the whole o' 
 
 Pawk Line in six months. With 'im the things 
 
 'appen as simply cawn't 'appen, and at any 
 76 
 
nil! i (H:'i\\ 
 
 very (j^CC. 5a^5 dntcuuajidL 
 e "feok cbi'o. 13 peat . 
 
' 'Ankin ' 
 
 gime o' chawnce it ain't sife ter come up against 
 'im. Me and Ike did it once. 
 
 It was a gime o' Nap, thet's whart it was, 
 and 'Ankin didn't wornt ter plye, 'is ole missus 
 bein' dead set aginst all gamblin' unless it's 
 a sure win. Besides, 'Ankin don't unnerstand 
 Nap, and said as 'e didn't. 'Arrever, me and 
 Ike 'adn't no more sense than ter worry 'im 
 and persuide 'im inter plyin'. Don't you never 
 do thet. If a chap don't wornt ter plye, and 
 you persuide 'im ter plye, then 'e'U win your 
 money. Thet's the wye the luck alius runs, 
 and I knowed it afore, only I were too much a 
 fool to think abart it. We only plyed one 'and. 
 Ike went four, 'avin seven, six, five of di'monds, 
 and ice and king of 'awts. Thet were a fair 
 speculitive four 'and, mikin' the di'monds 
 trumps. Then I said as I'd go Nap, 'avin five 
 'awts, with the jack on top. Then 'Ankin said 
 as 'e'd go Wellington. And 'e did, an' mide it, 
 too. 'Is 'and was the six and two o' spides, 
 the four and three o' clubs, an' the three o' 
 di'monds, and 'e plyed 'em in thet order. O' 
 course, I couldn't beat none of 'em. Old Ike 
 79 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 might 'ave beat the lawst cawd, the three o' 
 di'monds, but then 'e'd chucked 'is di'monds 
 awye fust, an' kep' 'is ice of 'awts, as were only 
 right and natshral. Thet's whart it come to. 
 Thet bloomin' 'Ankin, 'oldin' a 'and as any 
 sensible man would 'ave chucked, went Wel- 
 lington on it, and not only went it, but (which 
 was the bloomingest thing of all) mide it. Well, 
 we pide up, an' me and Ike sat lookin' at each 
 other. At fust we said nutthink. It were 
 beyond the par of 'uman speech. Then Ike 
 gort up an' reached 'is 'at, an' stuck it on. 
 * Nap,' 'e says, ' is Nap, an' bloomin' merracles 
 is bloomin* merracles, and I ain't tikin' none.* 
 
 ' Why,' says 'Ankin, ' it sims a nicish sort 
 o' gime. Ain't either of yer goin' on with 
 it?* 
 
 * Thenk you kindly, mister bloomin' 'Ankin/ 
 I says, ' but this lets us art fur the dye.' And, 
 with thet, me and Ike went orf, and 'ad ter 
 shift a pot each afore we cud regine our 
 composure. 
 
 But theer, 'e goes on with 'is wuk jest the 
 
 sime, and don't trust ter 'is luck a bit, and I 
 So 
 
' 'Ankin ' 
 
 *on't sye as 'e ain*t right. Your luck mye 
 sime as thick an' solid as yer like, and as long 
 as yer don't tike no notice of it, it mye go on 
 such. But once you lean on your luck, it 
 snaps. I knows thet, becos I knows men 'as 
 *ave snapped it. 
 
 « 'S' 
 
 8i 
 
QUEER FARES 
 
Blowed if it ain't enough ter mike yer chuck 
 the 'bus business and mike yer earn yer hvin' 
 by goin' abart the streets singin', * Hi'm but 
 a Uttle simple flar,' or wuds ter thet effec', or 
 try some other sort o' street cadgin', or go an* 
 dram yerself. 
 
 It were this wye. We was goin' along as 
 yooshal in the slack time o' the artemoon. 
 I'd got four lyedies inside. They were the 
 yooshal kind o' lyedy, a bit 'aughty an' sniffy. 
 Bless yer 'eart, I don't mind thet. I'm yoosed 
 ter it. They pyes their feers with a sort o' 
 hair as if they was conferrin' on me the Vic- 
 85 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 toryer Crorss an' a week at the seaside thro wed 
 in; but they don't give no trouble. I'd 
 sooner 'ave them any dye than a common 
 drunk, or a gent callin' 'isself a netshralist, 
 which is whart I were let in fur thet very arter- 
 noon. But thet's whart I'm comin' to. 
 
 ' 'E were a mild-lookin' ole gent, small-built, 
 with a grye overcoat, and a cawdboard box 
 unner 'is awm. 'E stood at the comer witin* 
 for the 'bus. WeU, 'e gort in, settled 'isself 
 dam, an' pide 'is feer. I didn't tike much 
 notice of 'im, but so fur as I seed 'e looked abart 
 as 'awmless as a Simday-schule teacher. 
 
 Hall of a sudding I 'ears a series o' hawful 
 
 screams, and aU them four lyedies come a- 
 
 strugghn' ter git art o' the 'bus, an' pretty near 
 
 knocked me inter the road. I stopped the 'bus 
 
 and arst 'em whart they thought they was 
 
 doin' of. They all begun ter speak at once, 
 
 and haU as I cud gather was that I was ter give 
 
 'em all their feers back agin, and I ought to 
 
 be ashimed of myself, and they'd report me 
 
 any'ow. 
 
 Well, I turned ter the oldest of 'em, and I 
 86 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 says, ' Nar, ma'am, if yer'd kindly tell us whart 
 this is all abart, and them others wud 'old up 
 for a bit, I'd be thenkful.' So I got it art of 'er 
 thet the meek an' mild old gent, whart were 
 still settin' as if nutthink 'ad 'appened, 'ad a 
 lawge pizemous snike in thet cawdboard box, 
 and 'e'd opened the lid an' they seed it fur their- 
 selves; and it was disgriceful thet I shud 'ave 
 allard 'im ter enter a public omnerbus at all. 
 And if I didn't pye up at once they'd have the 
 perleece on me. 
 
 ' 'Old on,' I says, cuttin' 'er short, and I goes 
 up ter the ole gent. ' Look 'ere,' I says, 
 ' whart der yer mean by this be'iviour, up- 
 settin' ev'rybody? Yer know as well as I do 
 thet yer cawn't kerry live pizernous snikes 
 in a public vehicle, and openin' the box lid 
 an' all.' 
 
 ' Yuss/ 'e says, ' thet's why I ain't done it. 
 
 This snike isn't pizemous, an' never was. Also, 
 
 it ain't alive. It's stuffed. I tried ter egspline 
 
 it ter 'em, but they wouldn't hsten. I'm a 
 
 netshralist — thet's 'ow I comes ter 'ave it.' 
 
 Arter a lot more jaw and wisetin' a lot more 
 87 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 time, I got three o' them lyedies ter git beck 
 inter the 'bus on condition the ole gent rode 
 artside. But the lawst o' the lyedies said she 
 wasn't goin' ter be bit ter death by serpeants, 
 whether they was stuffed or not. She wamted 
 'er money beck. Well, I looked at 'er, and I 
 says, feehn' in my bag fur the coppers, * Cawn't 
 give it yer, unless yer gives me the ticket beck 
 fust.' 
 
 ' Oh, you can 'ave yer ticket,' she says, and 
 'ands it me. 
 
 I took it an* looked at it. It were jest as I 
 egspectid. 
 
 * Very well, ma'am,' I says, * I see as you've 
 ridden two 'undrid yawds over yer penn'uth 
 already.' 
 
 * I'm shaw it was unintenshnal,' she 
 says. 
 
 ' No dart,' says I; ' but instead o' me pyin' 
 you, yer'll 'and me over another penny, or yer'll 
 see thet perleeceman as yer've bin talkin' so 
 much abart.' 
 
 She pide. But, all the sime, when theer's 
 
 so many o' thet sort aramd, it's a dog's life, 
 88 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 and one as might drive a less joodishus man 
 than myself ter intemp'rance. 
 
 I never knowed 'ow fur orkudness could go 
 until one dye lawst week. I 'ad a young man 
 on my 'bus whart feerely took the gingerbread. 
 I've 'ad clumsy people on the 'bus afore, but 
 none Hke 'im. 'E were a tall young man, 
 narrer-chested, with a biggish, tumup-shiped 
 'ead. 'E kerried two books under 'is awm, an* 
 a humbereller. As 'e were goin' up the steps, 
 the 'bus stawted, and I sharted to 'im to 'old 
 on. Blest if 'e didn't drop the books and the 
 humbereller, and it was jest a chawnst thet 
 they didn't go inter the road. * It ain't often 
 I drop anything,' he said, as I 'anded 'im them 
 back; ' in fac' it's most unushal.' Then I give 
 *im 'is ticket. It were a penny fare, and 'e 
 offered me a shiUin'. Clumsy people never 'as 
 the right change 'andy. 'Avin' no silver, I 
 was forced ter give 'im eleven coppers, which 
 'e took and then dropped the 'ole caboodle. 
 ' Why, I shall begin ter think I'm tumin' 
 89 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 orkud/ he said, pyshuntly. Theer was that 
 abart him — 'e never sim*d ter git irrertited. 
 I've knowed men as would 'ave swore their- 
 selves black in the fice for less nor whart hap- 
 pened ter this young man. Well, I left 'im on 
 'is 'ands and knees 'untin' fur the lost coppers. 
 'E wouldn't let me 'elp 'im, and so I went dam 
 agin. I 'adn't bin stannin' theer mor'n a 
 minnit before a bram felt 'at bio wed pawst me 
 and inter a puddle. I didn't wite to awst no 
 questshings; I knowed 'oose 'at thet 'ud be. 
 I 'opped off the 'bus, got the 'at, and took it 
 up to 'im. He thanked me and give me two- 
 pence. ' I don't sime ter be in luck ter dye,' he 
 said. * Theer were a gust of wind come just 
 as I were miking myself a cigarette.' The 
 cigarette looked like a busted caterpillar. ' So,' 
 'e went on, ' I 'adn't a 'and ter 'old my 'at on 
 with. I'm sorry to 'ave troubled yer.' 
 
 ' No trouble,' says I. I kin alwise be perlite 
 ter them as is perhte ter me. Dam I went agin 
 ter wite fur the next awxerdunt as *e might 
 'appen to 'ave, an' I 'adn't ter wite long 
 
 neither. This time it were a silver metch-box 
 90 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 as went flyin' inter the road, sime as the felt 
 'at 'ad done. I got it back fur 'im, and *e give 
 me another twopence. 
 
 ' 'Ow did yer come ter drop that over the 
 side, sir? ' says I. 
 
 ' I didn't egsackly drop it,' 'e said. ' I throwed 
 it awye in mist ike. The wind 'ad jest bio wed 
 the metch art that I was lightin' my cigarette 
 with, and I throwed awye the box by mist ike 
 fur the metch. Very keerless of me.' 
 
 'E 'adn't no more awxerdunts as I seed until 
 'e come darn ter git off the 'bus. * Don't you 
 git off till we storps, sir,' says I. 
 
 ' Ho, no,* says 'e; ' yer needn't storp fur me. 
 I'm yoosed ter this kind o' thing.' With that 
 'e gives a sort o' jump, gets 'is humbereller 
 between 'is legs, and hover 'e goes fiat on 'is 
 face. 'E wasn't 'urt, and 'e told the copper as 
 it was all 'is own fault, which was the bloomin' 
 truth, an' nutthink else. 
 
 Well, it were foppence inter my pockut, but 
 
 all the sime, an' yer ken berheve me or nort, I 
 
 were glad when thet young man was done with. 
 
 Anythink as orkud as thet mikes me feel 
 
 91 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 nervous. On my soul, if I'd 'ad another five 
 minnits of *im I should 'ave stawted droppin* 
 things myself. It's wunnerful the wye such 
 things mye affect yer. Theer was a ole lyedy 
 gort inter 'Ankin's 'bus one dye, an' ev'ry nar 
 and then the 'ole of one side of 'er fice give a 
 twitch, one comer of 'er mug shootin' up like 
 as if she were grinnin'. It were some sort of 
 afflickshun as she'd gort ; a cousin of my wife's 
 'ad much the sime thing, only it took 'er in the 
 heyebrar. Well, 'Ankin stood theer a-watchin' 
 of 'er and a-watchin' of 'er, until at lawst 'e 
 famd 'is own fice stawtin' ter wink jest the sime 
 wye. As 'Ankin said, it were 'alf as if 'e were 
 doin' it a-puppus, and 'alf as if 'e couldn't 'elp 
 it. As luck 'ud 'ave it, she were the only 
 pussen inside, and 'e'd gathered as she didn't 
 know 'er wye abart. So 'e told 'er To'm Court 
 Road was the Mawble Awch, which was wheer 
 she wonted ter go, an' she said she didn't see 
 no awch anywheer, but still she berheved 'im 
 and got art. And if she 'adn't 'e might a bin 
 afflicted pummanunt sime as 'erself . 
 
 92 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 We gits some 'ot 'uns sometimes. One dye 
 a young chap got on my *bus as didn't look no 
 more nor any other young chap. 'E weren't 
 a man as you'd notice in the street. Sim'd 
 just like nutthink at all. 'E says ter me, ' Awe 
 yer a ' Ammersmith ? ' 
 
 ' No, sir,' says I; * I'm a ormnerbus corn- 
 ducter.' 
 
 ' I mean,' says 'e, * does yer 'bus go ter 
 'Ammersmith? ' 
 
 ' It don't,' says I. 
 
 ' Then,' 'e says, ' it'll soot me nicely; thenk 
 yer.' Theer was sut think in thet dreamy wye 
 'e 'ad of speakin' as guv me suspicions as 'e 
 were a nawsty one ter tackle. 
 
 Presintly 'e comes dam, and says very civil, 
 ' Storp, please.' Well, I storped the 'bus, and 
 'e never gort off. 'E just stood an' looked 
 ararnd. 
 
 * Cawn't wite 'ere aU dye,' I says, shawp- 
 Hke. 
 
 ' Troo,' says 'e; 'you'd better go on agin; 
 I've chinged my mind. I dunno as I'll get art 
 'ere, arter all.' And with thet 'e goes slowly 
 93 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 up them steps agin, whistlin' of a 'ymn-toone 
 ter 'isself . 
 
 Well, I were pretty mad. ' Hall right/ 
 thinks I ter myself. ' This is the lawst time as 
 yoo plyes it orf onter me.' A foo minnits Hter 
 I were up top, givin* of the tickits, when *e" 
 touched me on the shoulder. 
 
 ' Might I trouble you,' says 'e, * ter awsk the 
 driver ter pull up 'ere ? ' 
 
 ' No, you mightn't,' says I, thinkin' as I 
 wouldn't be done agin. ' I've storped this 
 bloomin' 'bus fur yer once, and blow me tight 
 if I do it agin. Nar yer can wite until we gits 
 ter the Succus.' 
 
 ' Thenks,' 'e says, ' but it's nort fur me — it's 
 fur this lyedy 'ere.* And so it was, and, 
 blimey, if 'e 'adn't copped me agin. 
 
 * Ho, very well!' says I, ' thet's all right. 
 As long as it ain't fur you, I don't mind.' So 
 I storped the 'bus, an' the lyedy gort off, and 
 the 'bus went on agin. 
 
 Blessed if we'd gom a 'undrid yawds afore 
 'e looks over and calls darn ter me, * Hi ! storp ! ' 
 I didn't 'awdly know whart ter do. 'It ain't 
 94 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 fur me/ 'e says in a serus, cornfidential kind 
 o' wye. Well, I storped the 'bus, fur I were 
 jolly sure thet if 'e 'ad storped it fur 'isself, I'd 
 stawt it agin afore ever 'e cud git dam the steps. 
 Well, 'e never even tried ter come darn; no 
 more did anybody else. 
 
 I went up, bilin' over with rige, an' I say ter 
 'im, * Whart did you do thet fur ? ' 
 
 * Ho,' says 'e, ' yer told me as yer didn't 
 mind storpin' the 'bus, as long as it weren't 
 fur me.' 
 
 ' Then whart did yer womt ter storp the 
 'bus fur?' 
 
 ' Just fur the sike of awgyment,' 'e said, as 
 unmoved as if 'e 'adn't done nutthink. And 
 whart cud I sye ? At least, I 'ad a good deal ter 
 sye, but it weren't the kind o' thing as cud be 
 said with any degree o' sifety. 
 
 Thet put me art a good deal, but I dunno 
 as it ain't good fur yer to git let dam a bit 
 ev'ry nar and then. If yer goes tikin' pints 
 horf of ev'ry man as yer meets, yer mye git a 
 bit above yerself. Still, jest fur the moment 
 it ain't pleasant, and yer needs a little comfort 
 95 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 at the other end o' the rowte afore yer can feel 
 as if you're jest as good as ev'rybody else and 
 better nor most. 
 
 Thet ain't the only time as I've bin done. 
 'Ere's another kise. Yer don't horftun see tew 
 people egsackly ahke, nort even in appenince. 
 I did once, and I wish I 'adn't. It 'appened this 
 wye. A young man gort on my 'bus, 'at back 
 of 'is head, grye coat, and striped bags, keiryin' 
 a bram-piper pawcil, and a black walkin'-stick 
 with a white handle to it. 'E wen' up on the 
 top, I followed 'im, punched a penny ticket, 
 and give it 'im, turned ramd and went down 
 agin. As soon as I got dam, I finds 'im sit tin* 
 inside aginst the door — sime fice, sime 'at wore 
 the sime wye, sime clothes, pawcil, walkin'- 
 stick, and ev'rythink. ' Egscoose me, sir,' I 
 syes, * but 'ow did yer get 'ere ? ' 
 
 * The or'nery wye,' syes 'e, lookin' sur- 
 prised. 
 
 ' Thet you didn't,' says I, ' or you'd 'ave 'ad 
 to come pawst me.' 
 
 ' I dimno whart you're talkin' abart,' 'e says. 
 
 ' Give me my ticket.' 
 
 96 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 * I've jest this moment give it yer,' says I. 
 
 ' 'Ave yer ? ' says 'e, ' well, I 'aven't got it 
 any'ow.' 
 
 ' 'Ere yer aw, then,' says I. ' You kin 'ave 
 a dozen o' 'em fur a shillin', if you're fond o' 
 'em.' 
 
 ' Yer'd better be keerful,' says 'e. Presintly 
 I 'as to go up top, and blest if 'e wasn't theer, 
 jest wheer I left 'im the fust time. 
 
 * Look 'ere,' I says, ' I don't know 'ow you 
 works this 'anky-panky, but I've 'ad abart 
 enough of it, and so I tells yer strite.' 
 
 'E says, ' I dunno whart yer thinks you're 
 syin', but you kin tike it from me that if yer 
 gits drunk while you're on this 'bus you'll 
 find yourself in trouble.' I goes dam agin, 
 and theer 'e was settin' aginst the door as 
 afore. 
 
 ' Very well,' says I, shikin' my fist in hir> 
 fice. ' If yer moves agin, egsep ter git art in 
 the or'nery wye, I'll tike yer an' throw yer 
 inter the road.' 
 
 ' You're drunk,' 'e says. * You ain't fit ter 
 
 'ave chawge of a 'bus.' 
 
 97 .G 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' I ain't fit ter 'ave chawge of a bloomin' box 
 o' mirracles like this ! ' says I, ' but I'll keep 
 my heye on yer all the sime, my friend.' Just 
 then the 'bus stopped, and art 'e got. As I was 
 lookin' arter 'im, the other one come dam ofE 
 the top and went pawst me. Theer was two 
 of 'em, as Uke as two peas. They went off 
 tergither lawfin'. At fust I'd a mind ter go 
 fur the two of 'em, and chawnce it, but I sees 
 'em stawt ter plye the sime gime agin on 
 another 'bus, and let 'em be. If yer 'as ter 
 be mide a fool of it's jest as weU ter 'ave 
 comp'ny. 
 
 O' course yer does git a bit of a treat nar and 
 agin. One dye a httle chep — looked as if 'e 
 might be one o' them 'Ebrew Jews — come up 
 ter me as I were standin' abart, witin' fur 
 the 'bus ter stawt, an' thinkin' o' the niture o' 
 succumstances. 'E touched me on the shoulder, 
 and 'e said, ' Your 'bus is on the comer at a 
 quarter pawst ten ev'ry momin', ain't it? ' 
 
 ' Yuss,' I says, ' you've gort thet right, 
 sir.' 
 
 * Well,' 'e says, ' ter-morrer momin' at thet 
 98 
 
Queer Fares 
 
 time I shall git onter yer 'bus with a youngish 
 gemmun, a fair-'aired chep, with a lawge nose 
 and a heye-glass. I shall tike a twopenny 
 ticket, and I shall pye yer with a French penny, 
 a 'ipeny stamp, and two fawthin's/ 
 
 ' Thet's N. G.,' says I. 
 
 ' Whart der yer mean ? ' says 'e. 
 
 ' Well,' I says, ' yer can do as yer likes, but 
 if yer tries ter pye me thet wye, I shall refoose 
 ter tike it/ 
 
 'E didn't sime nowise put art. ' Thet's just 
 whart I thought,* 'e said, ' but I 'appen ter be 
 pertic'lar angshus as yer shud tike it, and mike 
 no comphnte abart it neither; so 'ere's 'arf-a- 
 crarn fur yer, and mind yer remember me.' 
 
 ' Thenk you, sir,' I says, ' I 'on't furgit.' 
 And I didn't furgit neither. Why, yer cud see 
 the 'ole thing with 'awf a eye. 'E'd mide a 
 bet with the fair-'aired gemmun, and this was 
 the bloomin' sportsman-like wye 'e were tikin' 
 ter be sure o' winnin' it. 'E were a reg'lar bad 
 egg. But 'is 'arf-crarn were good enough, and 
 so I pouches it and thinks whart I'll do. 
 
 Next momin' I gives my mite the office, and 
 99 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 we're at the comer a bit early. The little Jew 
 chep weren't theer, but the fair-'aired gemmun 
 was, with the big conk an' the he3^e-glawss all 
 complete. 
 
 ' 'Ere yer awe,' I sings art ter 'im. ' This is 
 the 'bus where we tikes a French penny, a 
 'ipeny stamp, and two fawthin's fur a twopenny 
 fare.' 'E looked a bit staggered. 
 
 ' Ho, the doose ! ' says 'e. ' Thet dutty Httle 
 sweep 'as bin a-gittin' at yer.' 
 
 * You 'as the size of it,' says I. 
 
 * Whart was 'is price ? ' says 'e. 
 ' 'Arf-a-cram,' says I. 
 
 ' Mine's five shillin's,* says *e. 
 
 * Then it's done with you, sir,' says I. I 
 took 'is five shilHn's, and give 'im the tip ter 
 stroll awye an* nort come up agin until the Httle 
 Jew 'ad gort in. And so 'e did. When they 
 was both in the 'bus they begim ter 
 talk. 
 
 ' Look 'ere,' says the fair-'aired gent, ' sur- 
 pose we halves thet bet ? ' 
 
 ' Halve yer gran'mother ! ' says the httle 
 chep, feelin* as if 'e'd gort the money in 'is 
 

Queer Fares 
 
 pockit. ' I don't mind doublin* it, if yer 
 like.' 
 
 ' Very well, then,' says the gent, ' we'll 
 double it.' 
 
 At thet, hup I comes, lookin' as if I'd never 
 see'd either of 'em in my life afore, and says, 
 ' Hall fares, please.* ' Twopence,' says the 
 Jew, 'andin' me 'is French penny, the 'ipeny 
 stamp, and the two fawthin's, at the sime time 
 tippin' me a wink as I didn't sime ter 'ave 
 noticed, though yer might 'ave 'ung yer 'at 
 on it. 
 
 ' Very sorry, sir,' I says, * but I cawn't tike 
 thet. I ain't allard ter.' 
 
 Well, 'e looked as black as thunder, but he 
 see'd the gime were up — pide me a proper two- 
 pence, and 'anded two suwerins ter the other 
 chep. 'E deem't say nutthink ter me, or else 
 'e'd 'ave bin givin' 'isself awye. 
 
 Thet did me a bit o' good, thet did. Seven- 
 an'-six and a 'awty lawf — very narce momin's 
 wuk indeed ! 
 
 When I fust begun, I used ter tike a parful 
 103 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 lot of hinterest in folks as gort on the *bus — 
 used ter wiinner whart they was goin' ter do, 
 and whart they did, an' whart they *ad ter eat. 
 Now I don't trouble my 'ead abart 'em. A 
 penny feer is a penny feer, and a twopenny feer 
 is a twopenny feer, and that's hall they is ter 
 me. Some dyes I gits inter thet mekinikul 
 stite thet if a Chinese gyunt was ter git on the 
 'bus drunk, I shud just punch 'is ticket an' 
 tike no more notice on 'im. It's doin' the 
 sime thing hall dye and hev'ry dye as gits yer 
 like thet. Yer gits like as if yer goes by 
 clockwuk, and when yer does come ter tike a 
 'ollerdy, yer feels like a fish art of water, and 
 it tikes yer the best pawt of a dye afore yer 
 kin git inter the wye of enj'yin' yerself. 
 
 104 
 
'THEM BOYS' 
 
' THEM BOYS * 
 
 I ONCE knowed a chap whart were a pretty 'ard 
 
 lot. So 'e 'ad need ter be, seein* *e were com- 
 
 ducter of a pirit 'bus. 'E'd gort a beautiful 
 
 tible o' feers mide art, all abserloot correct 
 
 an' no decepshing, no feer less nor sixpence. 
 
 Yoosed ter 'ang 'is overcoat over it, yer know, 
 
 when a feer come in, and tike it off agin when 
 
 the copper boarded 'im. 'E'd chawge City 
 
 gents sixpence fur Cherrin' Crorss ter Ludgate 
 
 Succus, and git 'is money too. Wharfs a 
 
 sight stiff er jorb, 'e'd chawge a or'nery ole 
 
 woman the sime, and nort let 'er orf till she'd 
 
 pide. As I knows myself, thet tikes a bit o' 
 
 doin'. Why, some o' them ole women 'ull 
 
 ride Wes' Kensingtin ter Liv'pool Street, and 
 
 think you're doin' of 'em in the eyeball 'cos yer 
 
 'on't be satersfied with a penny. As I sye, 'e 
 
 were 'arder than the granite rocks, like them 
 
 pills they talks abart in the advertisements. 
 107 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 If it were a matter o' awgyment, 'e could awgy 
 a dog's 'ind leg off. If it gort beyond awgy- 
 ment, *e were just abart as 'andy with *is feet 
 and *ands as any man need be. 'E were as 'ard 
 as they mike 'em, and yet *e gort done — an' 
 done by a boy. 
 
 'Is 'bus were well gort up. It were as hke 
 one o' the Comp'ny's 'buses as it well could be. 
 It even carried the sime artside boards, though 
 it carried 'em gritis. Yer might 'ave told it 
 were a pirit by lookin' at the 'orses, but then 
 it ain't one in fifty as does look at the 'orses. 
 Well, this chap gort 'is 'bus dror'd up ter the 
 kerb in the momin', jest abart the time when 
 the City rush is at its wust. "Ere yer are!' 
 *e calls art. * Ludgate Succus fust stop ! * 
 Ten of 'em rushed in at once, withart thinkin', 
 gled ter git there, and arter 'em kime a boy of 
 fifteen, wearin' o' spectacles, the sort as looks 
 as if they was sent inter the world in order ter 
 be humbugged by summim else. Well, thet 
 boy 'e jest Hfted up the coat over the tariff, 
 and then 'e turned ter my pal. 
 
 ' Whart price me ? ' says 'e. 
 io8 
 
' Them Boys ' 
 
 ' Whart der yer mean ? ' says my pal. 
 
 ' Am I goin* ter talk abart this 'ere board/ 
 said *e, ' or am I — * 
 
 ' All right. 'Old yer jaw. You're free this 
 journey.' 
 
 I don't keer from whart point o' view you 
 mye 'appen ter look at it, but this 'ere 
 younger generition as is springin' up all 
 aramd us is just abart as wide and as 'ard 
 as they mike 'em — more espesh them boys. 
 They don't leave nutthink fur when they're 
 growed up. At the sime ige when we was 
 sneakin' the sugar and eatin' of it, and gettin' 
 strapped fur so doin', the boys nar-a-dyes lights 
 up their cigarettes and talks abart tikin' their 
 second best gel art of a Sunday. And they 
 don't get strapped, neither. Corp'ral punish- 
 ment is cornsidered brootalisin' nar-a-dyes. 
 It's degridin'. Chrischun gentleness is your 
 mark when yer 'as ter deal with some young 
 rip fur sneakin' yer cash and goin' on the bust 
 with it. I tell yer, I 'ardly knows whart boys 
 is comin' to. Why, theer was the kise of my 
 
 own nevvy Jimes, my missus's brother's boy, 
 109 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 and whart I tells yer abart 'im is the fac', fur 
 I 'ad it from the boy's own fawther. 
 
 'E's rawther a rummy lookin' little chap is 
 Jimes. 'E wears specs., too, and 'as one o* 
 them 'eads as sticks art at the back. Keeps 
 'isself neater, too, nor most boys, and 'as 
 sutthink the look of a prize-scholar in a Smiday- 
 schule. But ain't 'e a 'oly 'orrer when yer 
 know 'im! 'E ain't stoopid, mind yer, and at 
 figgers 'e's shawper nor most, but 'e's a yoimg 
 'ot 'un. Well, 'is fawther is in the green- 
 grocer>% and Jimes 'ad bin mikin' 'isself very 
 yooseful in the shop one week. Amongst other 
 things, 'e'd bowled art a man whart tried ter 
 pawss a pewter shillin'. So ter reward 'im 'is 
 fawther give 'im a good shillin' fur 'isself, and 
 said, ' Mind you're keerful with it, Jimes.' 
 
 Next dye 'is fawther says ter 'im, ' Whart 
 'ave you done with thet bob ? ' 
 
 ' Planked it on a 'orse,' says Jimes, as cawm 
 as posserble. Well, 'is fawther fam art whart 
 the 'orse was, and when it was runnin'. 
 
 ' Yer silly Httle Juggins ! ' 'e says, ' it ain't 
 
 only the gambUn', though thet's bad enough; 
 no 
 
Them Boys ' 
 
 it's the foolishness o' backin' a artsider at 
 thutty ter one.' 
 
 ' Thet'll be all right, fawther/ says Jimes. 
 ' I gort it from a chap that's never put me 
 wrong yet.' 
 
 ' Mye be,' says 'is fawther, ' but if I dew 
 
 find as you've lorst that shillin', I'll give you 
 
 strap, my son. I won't 'ave no gambUn', more 
 
 perticlarly I won't 'ave no idiotic gamblin'.' 
 
 'Is fawther went awye, 'avin' a job on dam 
 
 Covint Gawding. AU the time 'e were at work, 
 
 'e 'ad the nime o' thet 'orse in 'is 'ead, and at 
 
 lawst 'e couldn't stand it no longer, and went 
 
 and put 'arf-a-thick-un on it ter win. The 
 
 rice came orf, an' the 'orse were second. Thet 
 
 mide the boy's fawther furus. ' Come 'ere,' 
 
 'e says ter Jimes, ' and I'll abart strap the life 
 
 art of yer.' *Whart fur?' says Jimes. 'Fur 
 
 actin' fooHsh, an' gamblin', an' losin' yer 
 
 money.' ' Whart are yer gettin' at?' says 
 
 Jimes. ' I ain't lorst no money. I've done 
 
 myself good. I backed the 'orse fur a plice. 
 
 It weren't never meant ter win — I cud 'ave 
 
 told yer thet, if you'd awst me.' 
 Ill 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 'E's a sorter boy as comes art up top, *e is. 
 
 Pore ole *Ankin's been done by boys — done 
 bram. It 'appened this wye. Theer were a boy 
 as went by the nime o* Ginger, in comsequence 
 of 'is 'air bein' carrots; an' 'e'd bin annoyin' 
 'Ankin fur some time, 'e 'ad. 'Ankin 'ad orfun 
 spoke ter me abart thet boy. 'Im and some 
 others would wite till 'Ankin were a punchin* 
 tickets on the top o' the 'bus, and then they'd 
 jump outer the step ter git theirselves a free 
 ride, and, in course, as soon as they see'd 
 'Ankin comin* dam again, horf they'd bolt. 
 *E'd tried ter cop 'em scores o' times. Once, 
 'owever, 'e took a lump o' coal hup outer the 
 top o' the 'bus with 'im, and when thim boys 
 gort outer the step 'e went ter drop it on *em. 
 'E missed thim and 'it a lyedy as were jest 
 comin' art from inside. Do whart 'e would 'e 
 couldn't cop them boys. Theer were a lot on 
 'em, but Ginger were the wust and frequentest. 
 Well, one dye 'Ankin looks over from the top 
 o' the 'bus and sees Ginger a-sittin' on the step 
 as cool as a cowcumber, crackin' nuts an' 
 
 112 
 
' Them Boys ' 
 
 Jld trtect to 
 
 cop era scopes o 
 
 chuckin' the shells into pawsin' 'ansoms. 'E 
 didn't see 'Ankin, and *Ankin came dam quick 
 and jest managed ter collar him. 
 
 ' Gort yer at lawst ! * says 'Ankin, * an' I'll 
 give yer a lessing this time.' So 'e storps the 
 'bus and 'ands over Ginger to a copper fur 
 defrordin' o' the comp'ny by ridin' on a 'bus 
 withart pyin' 'is fare. 
 
 ' Nar, then,' says the copper ter Ginger, 
 shawp-Hke, ' whart do yer mean by it ? Whart 
 did yer get on thet 'bus for? ' 
 
 113 H 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 * *Cos I wanted ter ride ter To'm Court Road,' 
 says Ginger. 
 
 * Well, then, if you rides on 'buses you'll *ave 
 ter pye the feer. Why didn't yer pye ? ' 
 
 ' 'Cos/ says Ginger, ' I wasn't never awst. 
 I dunno whart 'e's getting at. I've 'ad the 
 money witin' fur 'im this lawst 'alf hour.' Yer 
 might a knocked 'Ankin dam with a 'ymn- 
 book, 'e were so took a-back. 'E'd mide cock- 
 sure thet Ginger were lawkin', sime as yooshall. 
 
 ' And is this hall you're stoppin' the traffic 
 an' wistin' my time fur? ' says the copper 
 ter 'Ankin. * Give the boy 'is ticket, and 
 be ashimed of yerself.' Poor ole 'Ankin! It 
 wom't no treat to him, that wom't. Thet boy 
 Ginger never so much as grinned. 'E'd got 
 'Ankin proper, an' that were aU 'e keered abart. 
 As yooshally 'appens when anythink goes wrong 
 with 'Ankin, 'e become more aggerivited in 'is 
 perHticel opinyims than ever. 'Is remawks 
 the sime night on the subjic' of Chymeberhn 
 was a disgrice. 
 
 One dye 'Ankin were slummuckin' through 
 
 Regent's Pawk in 'is sleepy-'eaded wye, when 
 114 
 
* Them Boys ' 
 
 up comes a little boy in a s'ilor soot, with a 
 cricket-bat in 'is *and. * Please, sir,' 'e says, 
 very civil, ' my ball's gone throo thet rilin* an' 
 underneath thet grite bush, an' I cawn't reach 
 it because my awms ain't long enough. Would 
 yer mind reachin' it fur me? I'd be very 
 thenkful/ 
 
 Well, 'Ankin thought ter 'isself as this was 
 a very narce-spoken, well-be'ived httle boy. 
 ' Lessee if I can see it,' says 'Ankin, stooping 
 dam. 
 
 ' It's further in,' says the boy; ' you'll 'ave 
 ter stoop lower.* So 'Ankin did. 
 
 ' Can yer see the ball ? ' asked the boy. 
 
 * Nort yet, my little chap,' says 'Ankin. 
 
 * Then, can yer feel this bat ? ' says the boy, 
 at the sime time catchin' 'Ankin an almighty 
 whack with it be'ind. 
 
 With thet the boy run orf , lawfin* fit ter bust 
 'isself, an' 'Ankin come arter 'im, feelin' as if 
 'e'd like ter cut 'is 'eart out. But thet boy 
 knew a bit too much. 'E mide fur another 
 fence, an' sniggled through it, which 'Ankin 
 couldn't, bein' a foo sizes too large. As soon 
 115 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 as *e were the other side of it and sife, the boy- 
 calls art, ' Good-bye, Mister-man. You're the 
 third as I've copped ter-dye.' 'Ankin picked 
 up a stone ter 'eave at *im, and up come a 
 pawk-keeper an' went fur 'Ankin. 
 
 (S/ /TUstfcr-rao.n. 
 .f/f/ ^loore the t^cctL 
 <2^ c3\>e coppedL 
 
 ii6 
 
THE LAST 'BUS 
 
THE LAST 'BUS 
 
 It's the lawst 'bus as brikes the comducter's 
 'eart. You may tike my word fur it, we 'as 
 some queer fish on thet lawst 'bus. The other 
 night, as we was gittin' on fur 'ome, an oldish 
 gent storped the 'bus, wivin' 'is humbereller. 
 Well, *e stood as steady as a rock, and 'is top 
 'at were on strite, and 'e walked strite from the 
 kerb ter the 'bus. The only things abart 'im 
 at all surspicious were thet 'e 'eld 'is humber- 
 eller by the wrong end and smelt o' liquor, Uke 
 the cheap bar in a 'Ampstead public arter Banjc 
 'Ollerdy. 'Arrever, I took 'im in, an' 'e set 
 dam inside, cawm an' peaceful, grawsping the 
 ferule o* the humbereller in one 'and an' a note- 
 book in the other. 'E sim'd 'armless, an' I 
 egspectid as 'e'd drop orf ter sleep as soon as 
 'e'd gort 'is ticket. 
 Thet were the trouble of it. 'E wouldn't tike 
 
 no ticket, an' 'e wouldn't pye no money. 
 119 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 Fust 'e told me *e were a directer of the 
 comp'ny, which I knew fur a lie, an* told 'im so. 
 Then 'e said *e were traffic sup'rintendent, an* 
 a Memmer o' Pawhamint, an' gin'ral manidger 
 of Exeter *A11. By thet time, as you mye imad- 
 jing, most of the folks in the *bus were lawfin* 
 pawtly at 'im an* pawtly at me. 'E spoke in 
 irreg'lar jerks — fust a foo words very slow, then 
 a rush of *em, then a 'iccup, then a foo words 
 very slow over agin. Well, I were gettin* 
 irritited, an' I says ter *im, ' I ain*t *ere ter 
 awgy. I'm 'ere ter give you yer ticket an' tike 
 yer money. And if yer don't like thet, yer 
 can go art.' 
 
 ' Look *ere,* 'e says, ' 1*11 mike a bawgin with 
 yer. I *ave in this note-book a Hst of those 
 whart I*ve perswided ter sam the pledge. If 
 you'U sam the pledge, an* kip orf the drink 
 in foochur, an* nort git inter this disgustin' 
 stite agin, 1*11 give yer a penny fur a twop*ny 
 ticket.* 
 
 * Then, art yer go,* says I. 
 
 ' One moment,* says *e. ' Alkerol provides 
 no nootriment an* no hyperphusphits of 
 
 120 
 
The Last 'Bus 
 
 nutthink. If you keeps on gettin' drunk like 
 this night arter night, you'll be rooined, soul 
 and body. Sam the pledge, an* — * 
 
 But by thet time I'd storped the 'bus an* 
 called up the copper orf the kerb. The lawst I 
 seed o* the ole gent *e were standin' in the road, 
 still wivin* his humbereller by the wrong end 
 an' implorin* thet copper to jine the joovemile 
 Band o' 'Ope afore it were too lite. 
 
 Theer's gents whart 'as 'ad just thet one 
 extry glaws wharfs the tumin'-point. Some- 
 times yer kin see whart's the matter with 'em» 
 an' sometimes yer cawn't. When a man gits 
 on ter my 'bus with a 'iccup fit ter brike the 
 winders, a smile like a dead cod-fish, an* a cigaw 
 stuck be'ind is ear fur a bloomin' pen-*older, well 
 I know whart 'is 'ead 'ull be hke next momin* 
 withart any teUin'. But, bless yer, some on 'em 
 don't 'awdly give it awye at all. Theer was a 
 pile-ficed young gent come up ter me in the 
 Strand the other night. ' Do you go ter 'Yde 
 Pawk Comer? ' says 'e. 
 
 121 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' Yessir/ says I. 
 
 Blimey, if 'is speech wam*t as good as my 
 own — never missed 'is tip gettin' on ter the 
 'bus, never did nutthink ter show as 'e'd gone 
 a bit orf ! 'E took 'is ticket hall right and pide 
 fur it hall right. But, 'arrever, presintly 'e 
 tikes off 'is 'at very keerful, and reaches up ter 
 put it in the 'at-rack. Well, in course, there 
 ain't no bloomin' 'at-rack, so 'is tile come dam 
 agin. 'E picked it up, looked at it, brushed 
 it with his sleeve, and then did the sime 
 thing once more. Dam bumps the tile agin. 
 Hev'rybody in the 'bus stawts gigglin'. 'E 
 looks ramd at 'em very dignerfied, and then 
 puts 'is 'at on and stan's up, 'oldin' the strap 
 with one 'and an' touching me on the shoulder 
 with the other. 
 
 ' I beg your pawdon,' says 'e, ' but is this a 
 rilewye-kerridge ? ' 
 
 * No,' says I, 'it's gin 'rally surposed ter be 
 a 'bus.' 
 
 ' Ah ! ' says 'e, settin' dam agin, * then I 
 am.* 
 
 I've 'ad 'em much wuss than thet. As we 
 
 122 
 
The Last 'Bus 
 
 was doin' the lawst journey one night, and 'ad 
 gort pretty near the end of the rowte, a ole 
 gen'lemun storps the 'bus an' gets in. 'E were 
 the only one inside, and I could see whart 'is 
 complinte were. As I were punchin' of 'is 
 ticket, 'e remarks solemn - like, ' Whart a 
 marvellous thing is nychur ! ' 
 
 I says, ' So it is, abart this time o' night.' 
 
 * I've bin,' 'e says, ' ter Madim Tersord's, 
 admirin' of nychur. 'Ave you ever bin 
 there?' 
 
 ' Nort recent,' I says. Then he sunk beck 
 in his seat, and I thought 'e was gone off ter 
 sleep. 'Arrever, I went hup torp ter speak 
 ter Bill, and blest if 'e didn't climb hup arter 
 me — goodness knows 'ow 'e did it, but 'e 
 did. 
 
 * I wamted to tell you, Mr. Comducter,' says 
 'e, ' if ever you goes ter Madim Tersord's nort 
 ter come away agin. It's the gritest — grit est 
 mistake in life.' 
 
 ' That's all right,' I says cheerful. ' You set 
 still and cool your crumpet.' 
 
 'Arrever, 'e went on, ' I come awye from 
 123 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 s e. 
 
 Madim Tersord's, and I took a lil' walk, an' I 
 *ad a lir drink. Then you caught me by the 
 arm-'ole and dragged me outer this bloomin' 
 'bus; an' whart I wamt ter know is, whart'm 
 I doin' on a 'bus ? * 
 
 * Set still,* I says agin; * you're right. 
 You're goin* *ome. Where der yer live ? ' 
 
 'E says, * Der you know 'oo I am ? ' 
 
 * No,' says I. 
 
 * Well,' says 'e, ' I'm a escaped waxwuk.* 
 
 ' But wheer der yer live ? ' says I. 
 124 
 
The Last 'Bus 
 
 ' Madim Tersord's/ says 'e. ' Reg'ler ole 
 runaway waxwuk, I am ! ' 
 
 * Then/ I says, nort wantin' the responsi- 
 bility of 'im, ' you're on the wrong 'bus.' So 
 we pulls up, and I persuades 'im to get orf. 
 Theer were a copper standin' on the kerb, and 
 I pints 'im art ter the ole gen'lemun an' tells 
 'im ter be keerful. * You don't want no 
 trouble with coppers ? * I says. 
 
 * Tha'sh all ri',' 'e says; ' that copper's my 
 ole family er friend from Madim Tersord's — 
 just another pore escaped waxwuk li' myself.' 
 With thet 'e goes slick up ter the copper an' 
 lets drive at 'im with 'is umberreller jes below 
 the belt, a-hollerin' art, * 'Ow's yer sawdust ? ' 
 Then 'e stawts off ter run. Fur an old gen'le- 
 mun, an' one in 'is comdition, 'e run sutthink 
 wunnerful. Thet copper didn't sim ter 'arf 
 like it. It amoosed me, though. 
 
 I Hkes ter see mye 'bus full up — no man more 
 so — but I do wish as those gents as gits their- 
 selves into a stite when they ought ter be took 
 'ome in kebs *ud 'ave 'emselves took 'ome in 
 kebs. Fur on a 'bus they're nutthink short of 
 "5 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 a noosance. It was on'y the other night as one 
 of 'em come a-lurchin' an' a-staggerin' hup ter 
 me, set down on the step o' the 'bus, and says, 
 
 * Yer go ter Wes' Kensingting ? ' 
 
 * No,' I says, ' we don't, and yer git horf o' 
 that step.* 
 
 * Ho,' says *e, * then as yer do go ter Wes' 
 Kensingting, I'll climb up.' 
 
 ' I tell yer we don't,' I says agin. But theer, 
 'e wouldn't tike no notice o' me, pushes pawst, 
 goes up the steps — hke ter break 'is neck aU the 
 time — drops 'isself dam in a seat, an' goes horf 
 ter sleep hke a child in its mother's harms with 
 'is 'at on crooked and a pipe 'anging art o* one 
 comer of his marth. Presently I wikes 'im up. 
 
 * Nar then,' says I. 
 
 ' 'Ow much ter Wes' Kensingting? ' 'e says, 
 still 'alf -asleep. 
 
 ' I tell yer agin,' I says, * we don't go theer, 
 nor nowhere near it.' 
 
 * Ho,' says 'e, as if 'e were thinkin' very deep 
 ter 'isself, ' then 'ow much would it be if you 
 was ter go ter Wes' Kensingting ? ' 
 
 * Oh, blimey! ' says I, * cawn't yer hunner- 
 
 126 
 
The Last 'Bus 
 
 stand Hinglish? We don*t go theer, and we 
 never do go theer. Whart yer want to do is to 
 git horf o' this 'bus.* 
 
 ' No, I don't/ says 'e, * I wants ter go 
 ter Wes' Kensingting. Give us twopennorth.' 
 With that 'e 'olds art 'is two coppers. Well, 
 whart was I ter do? It wam't no good my 
 speakin'. I punched a ticket fur 'im, an* let 'im 
 be. As I was goin' awye 'e calls arter me, 
 ' You'll stop the 'bus when we gits ter Wes' 
 Kensingting? ' 
 
 I didn't awnser 'im, bein' clean art o' 
 pychunce. 'Arrever, the 'bus goes on, and 
 arter a bit 'is twopennuth runs art. 'E comes 
 staggerin* dam the steps, and I stops the 
 'bus fur 'im. ' Mind yer,' I says, * this ain't 
 Wes' Kensingting,' just by wye of a wamin' 
 like. 
 
 ' Then I'll compHne of yer fur fraud,' says 
 *e. ' Wheer's a perleeceman? ' Horf 'e goes, 
 bangs inter a lamp-post, and sets dam in the 
 road smiHn'. We leaves 'im theer. 
 
 Oh, it's a trile, 'avin' ter do with that kind 
 
 o' man! I've mide it a simple roole nar, that 
 127 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 if a man's too bad ter understand Hinglish 
 'e*s too bad ter ride on my 'bus. Yer must 
 draw the line somewheer. But I've horftim 
 woiidered ter myself whort 'appened ter that 
 gent — ^whether 'e ever gort 'ome to Wes* 
 Kensingting, and if *e did whart they said to 
 'im when 'e come. It's these 'ere 'ollerdies an* 
 festivuls as plyes the dickens with folks. Arter 
 a Chris'mus-dye, or Hash Wensd'y, or Heaster, 
 we gin'rally gits a sample or two o' thet 
 kind. 'Ow few theer is as 'as the blessed 
 gift of joodishusness! But enough of a sad 
 subjic'. 
 
 128 
 
AT HOME 
 
AT HOME 
 
 Theer is people as comes ter my *ouse, as in 
 
 my opinion 'asn't got no business ter come ter 
 
 my 'ouse. I don't want 'em, and I 'on't 'ave 
 
 'em, and if they keeps on comin' the wye they've 
 
 bin keepin' on, some of 'em 'ull get hurt. 
 
 Wheer theer 's business, I don' mind. The 
 
 milkman an' the postman, an' even the man fur 
 
 the rent can come an' welcome. But them 
 
 chaps as wornts yer ter buy a sewin' machine, 
 
 or a bottle o' furnicher poHsh, or insure yer 
 
 life, they're the noosance as I cawn't stand. 
 
 Hup they comes as bold as braws, an' rings 
 
 my bell as free as if they'd bought and pide fur 
 
 it. One night I'd come off early and gone ter 
 
 bed early. At a quarter pawst ten that bell 
 
 rung. I wouldn't stir at fust, but it kep' on 
 
 ringin', an' at lawst I went dam. Theer on the 
 
 step were a man lookin' as if he 'adn't done 
 
 nutthink ter be ashimed of. 
 
 131 12 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' You'll egscuse me/ 'e said, * but I didn't 
 know whether you might 'ave a yoose fur a 
 merlaccer kine walkin'-stick.' 
 
 ' In a gineral wye,' I replies, ' I find as I kin 
 git off ter sleep o' nights withart one — thenkin' 
 yer kindly fur ringin* me up ter engquire.' 
 
 ' Well,' 'e says, ' they're benkrupt stock, an* 
 goin' at 'awf-cost. It's a 'andy thing ter 'ave 
 in the *ouse.' 
 
 ' Thenk you,' says I, ' I think I kin manidge 
 you withart a stick. Just wite 'awf-a-minnit 
 while I slip on my boots.' 
 
 'E didn't wite. 
 
 You'd 'ave thought nar as the tride in mer- 
 laccer walkin'-sticks dam a street like mine 
 weren't surficient ter mike it wurth a man's 
 while ter go ramd with 'em. But sometimes 
 I 'as my darts whether they even wamts ter sell 
 anythink — whether they doesn't just come 
 ramd fur aggerivition an' nut think else. Why, 
 theer was one chap, in a frock coat an' a top-'at, 
 an' 'e come an' awst me if I cud speer 'im a 
 donition fur 'is cottidge 'ome, which were doin* 
 
 a good wuk ! ' Ah ! ' I says, ' they've put yer 
 132 
 
At Home 
 
 wrong. This ain't Belgrive Squeer. It*s a 
 longish wye from *ere, but yer cawn't miss it. 
 Any perleeceman *ull tell yer.' 
 
 ' My good friend/ *e says, ' it is not ter the 
 rich an' the 'igh-bom that I wud go. Is it not 
 well said that the pore *elp the pore ? ' 
 
 ' Ay/ I says, ' they do. Thet's why they 
 'asn't nutthink left fur stryngers with top-'ats 
 an' cottidge 'omes.* 
 
 So 'e shut 'is Httle accamt-book, an' moved 
 off ter diddle someone else. 
 
 Another time, the missus was art, an' I 
 awnsered the door ter a smawt - lookin*, 
 pushin' sort o' little chep; 'e begun at 
 once, — 
 
 * I dunno, sir, whort tea you are in the 'abit o* 
 yoosin', but I *ave 'ere — ' 
 
 ' Theer,' I said, ' git art ! ' an' shut the door 
 in 'is fice. 
 
 I 'adn't gort 'awf-wye dam the passidge afore 
 that bell went agen. * AU right, my beauty,' 
 thinks I, ' you're jest a little bit too pushin' 
 with that tea of yours. You wants cooUn' 
 dam a bit.' So I slips upsteers ter the winder 
 133 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 over the door, and empties a jug of water 
 on 'im. 
 
 Only it wasn't 'im. 'E'd gone on. It was 
 the missus come back from shoppin', and *ad 
 furgot *er key. 
 
 Well, she's a good-tempered woman. Still, 
 it 'ad to be a new bomet afore she cud see the 
 fun o' the thing as well as I cud. 
 
 If it comes ter thet, yer don't alius find it a 
 perticlar treat ter 'ave people in the 'ouse 
 whart yer've awst theer yerself . Fur instance, 
 my missus 'as 'er niece storpin' with us. It was 
 a contra accamt business, the niece's parints 
 'avin' 'ad the missus dam inter the country 
 when she were bad. Well, the missus said as 
 Hagnes were a narce, bright gal. 
 
 Bright? WeU, I shud think so. Thet's 
 wheer the trouble Hes. She's gort a lot o' them 
 tricks an' riddles an' ketches. As long as she 
 can awst yer the diff' runce betwixt a cow an' a 
 caterpiUer, an' things o' thet kind, she's 'appy. 
 She don' sim ter understand thet, though yer 
 134 
 
At Home 
 
 don* know the awnser ter such bloomin* foolish- 
 ness, it don' f oiler as yer womts ter know it. I 
 comes 'ome pretty nigh beat, awter a 'awd 
 dye's wuk, an' she gits arter me at once. She 
 tells me ter think of a nmnber, an' 'alve it, an' 
 sustract it, an' plye the fool with it gin'rally, 
 an' then she tells me whort were the number I 
 thought of. I dessay it's all very clever, but 
 thet ain't the pint. I don' womt ter think of 
 a number, nor ter 'alve it, nor ter 'ave nutthink 
 ter do with it. Whort I wornts is ter set in a 
 comfortable cheer, tike my glawss an' my pipe, 
 an' then go ter bed. I don' womt ter think 
 o' nutthink. I tried ter egspline thet to 'er, 
 but she's a differcult one ter storp. She is so 
 bloomin' bright. She says, * Well, if yer don't 
 like riddles, I'll show yer some tricks with a bit 
 o' string.' An' she did, too. I'm more sorry 
 fur the missus nor I am fur myself; I gits awye 
 ter my wuk ev'ry dye, an' thet's a bit of a rest, 
 but she's gort this gel alius there, an* alius at 
 it. Sometimes it 'uU be tricks with matches. 
 Hagnes arringes 'em on the tible, an* yer *as 
 ter tike awye six an' leave a pu£[ick squeer; 
 135 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 '^Ji •Jwe seed, ^l^t ttussyb Spcod. "V'^f^ <>■ 
 
 "vpujer over CK.cX 
 
 I've seed the missus spend nigh a hower over 
 
 that silliness. Oh, mikes me lose pyshunce, 
 
 it do ! Whort's the yoose of string in the world ? 
 
 Ter tie up pawcils, or ter ac' as a boot-lice, or 
 
 brices in the kise of a emergency. Sim'larly 
 
 with loocifers. They was sent inter the world 
 
 ter light pipes. Yer don' womt ter yoose 'em 
 
 fur tricks, arringin' of 'em in puffick squeers an* 
 
 tikin' awye the number yer fust thought of, 
 
 an' so on. It ain't amoosin'. Thet's the wust 
 
 pawt of it — anyone as does them tricks alius 
 
 believes as they is amoosin', an' cawn't be 
 
 shook art of it. It's amoosements like them as 
 
 sends men art on the hitiddly, instead o' tikin* 
 136 
 
At Home 
 
 their money 'ome. I shud be druv ter spendin* 
 my hevenin's at the public myself if thet gel 
 Hagnes was ter storp much longer. But she 
 goes back *ome ter-morrer, thank goodness! 
 Why, it were only ter-night as I come in, she 
 met me an' says, ' I've gort a new riddle fer 
 yer: 
 
 ' " Mothers an' fawthers 'ave I none. 
 
 But this man's sister was my brother's son." ' 
 
 I repeats it from mem'ry, but it was wuds ter 
 thet effec'. Thet's a narce sort o' thing ter 
 'ave meetin' yer when yer come 'ome tired. A 
 little more on it, an' I'd be in a loony tic asyhm. 
 I tell 'er she ought ter marry a chap by the 
 nime o' Jeckson as wuks in the yawd. Them 
 two wud just abart soot each other. Ter do 
 'im justice, 'e's a sober, steady sort, an' don't 
 mean no 'awm either, but, all the sime, 'e's bin 
 drivin' some on us feerly mad litely. Yer see, 
 'e's a fearful grite reader, is Jeckson. 'E goes 
 an* sets in thet pubHc readin'-room, an' im- 
 proves 'is mind ter a egstent as you'd find it 
 'awd ter berheve. Then 'e tikes in two pipers 
 137 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ev'ry week on 'is own, and thet improves 'im 
 some more. 'E*s thet chuck full o* interestin' 
 and amoosin' fac's an' infurmition, thet yer 
 cawn't listen ter 'im withart goin' ter sleep, or 
 else losin* yer temper. T'other dye, 'e ups and 
 says ter me : ' I sye, der yer know 'ow many 
 suvrings it tikes ter reach from the earth to the 
 moon? ' 
 
 ' Gam, Jeckson,' I says, * yer don't tike me 
 in with none o' them ole cops.' 
 
 ' S'help me,' says 'e, ' it ain't no cop. It's 
 a solim' fac', done art by a sum in 'rithmetic, 
 as I seed in a paper yesterday.' 
 
 * Well,' I says, * I don' know, an' don' 
 womt.' 
 
 ' Why,' says 'e, * it's rawther a yooseful bit 
 o' infurmition, thet is.' 
 
 ' No, it ain't,' says I. ' If yer cud teU me 
 'ow ter mike the price o' my dinner withart 
 wukkin' fur it, thet might be yooseful, but they 
 don't put sich things in the pipers.' No more 
 they don't neither, an' I wishes they did. So 
 orf 'e went ter see if 'e couldn't find some- 
 body else civil enough or soft enough ter 
 138 
 
At Home 
 
 pretend ter wamt ter listen ter 'is mouldy 
 arithmetic. 
 
 Then we 'ad 'im agen in the evenin*. 'E 
 come art from the free library, thet man Jeck- 
 son did, thet bustin' with fac's, and figgers, 
 'e couldn't contine 'isself. 'E rim acrorst me 
 an' Ike, 'avin' of ar awf-pint in peace an' 
 quietness, an' 'e froze 'isself on. 
 
 ' Well,' says Jeckson, * talkin' of heggs — * 
 
 'Ere Ike struck in. ' We wasn't talkin' of 
 heggs.' 
 
 ' No,' says Jeckson, ' whort I meant was, 
 surposin' as you 'ad bin talkin' of heggs, 'ow 
 many heggs do yer surpose as a femile frog lyes 
 in the course of a year ? ' 
 
 * Aw yer referrin',' says Ike, speakin' sar- 
 cawstic-like (which 'e 'as a talint fur), ' ter the 
 fresh breakfasters or ter the middhn' cookers, 
 an' no guarantee given ? ' 
 
 ' I wos speakin',' said Jeckson, rawther 'urt, 
 ' of the femile frog.* 
 
 * Then yer ken shut it,' says I, ' imtil the 
 femile frog tikes ter lyin' sutthink as comes 
 within the speer of practical poUertics.' Well, 
 
 139 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 then we thought we 'ad feerly dried 'im up. 
 But, bless yer, afore 'awf a minnit, 'e'd stawtid 
 agen. 
 
 ' I sye/ 'e says ter Ike, ' surposin' I took this 
 penny, an' dropped it inter yer glawss o' beer; 
 it 'ud sink ter the bottom. Thet's whort 'ud 
 'appen, isn't it ? ' 
 
 ' Yuss,* says Ike, * thet's one o* the things 
 as 'ud 'appen. Another thing is as I shud 
 punch yer fat 'ead off at the root, and kick yer 
 dam the street till yer couldn't see art of yer 
 eyes, fur tikin' of a lib with my liquor. So 
 don't yer try it on.' 
 
 * I wasn't goin' ter try it on,' says Jeckson. 
 ' Hall I wamted ter do was ter pint art thet 
 yer know the penny 'ud sink in the glawss o' 
 beer, but yer don't know the proper scientific 
 reasing why it 'ud sink.* 
 
 * Nor I don't wamt to,' says Ike. ' I says 
 as a man who drops a penny inter a glawss o* 
 bitter is a blimed fool, and thet's all I wamt ter 
 know. 'E might 'ave a proper scientific rea- 
 sing, or 'e might not, but 'e'd 'ave no chawnce 
 
 o' givin' it — nort if it were my beer.' 
 140 
 
At Home 
 
 * Look 'ere/ says Jeckson, ' if you'd jest let 
 me exspline — ' But we wouldn't. We jest 
 took 'im an' threw 'im art. 
 
 An' next momin' 'e turned up as fresh as 
 ever, and awst me if I knowed why it was as 
 bats flew by night instead of in the dye-time. 
 I tell yer, it's gettin' serus. Them pipers as 
 publishes hitems of yooseful infurmition ought 
 ter be prosecooted. Sittin' quiet an' thinkin' 
 abart nutthink sims ter me ter be a lost hart. 
 
 Yuss, Jeckson an' my missus's niece wud 
 jest abart mike a pair. I berHeves in a simer- 
 larity o' tystes. And I acted on my berlief, 
 fur I likes quiet and so do my ole Dutch. We 
 don't 'ave no rows — no, not even over the cat, 
 though theer we differs. 
 
 I never 'ad no fancy fur cats. I ain't set 
 
 aginst 'em, sime as some is. I've knowed men 
 
 as 'ud sweat and go as white as a limip o' chalk 
 
 if they *ad a cat in the room with 'em. I ain't 
 
 like thet, but still I don't keer fur the beasts. 
 
 They is a Uzy, greedy, 'eartless, mischeevus lot, 
 
 is cats. And the row as they kicks up when 
 
 theer art on the hi-tiddly-hi of nights, it ain't 
 141 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 'iiman. But, 'arrever, my old gel said we'd 
 mice in the 'ouse, and traps was no use, and 
 she'd 'ad the hoffer of a tom-cat. ' Well,' I 
 says, * yer can 'ave 'im, if yer likes, as long as 
 'e's a tom, and yer keep 'im art o' my wye.' 
 
 So she gort thet cat, and afore long she gort 
 reg'lar fond of 'im, sime as women will. ' 'E 
 is a 'andsome cat,* she remawks ter me one 
 night. 
 
 ' Very likely,* says I. 
 
 ' 'E's gort thet small *ead as all tom-cats 
 'ave, and follers me abart, sime as if 'e were 
 a dorg.* 
 
 ' 'As 'e done fur them mice yet ? ' says I. 
 
 * Well,' says she, ' *e's new ter the pHce, but 
 I don't dart as 'e'll stawt on 'em soon.' But 
 'e never did. 
 
 I dunno why it was. Per'aps it were liziness. 
 
 'E'd gort more food nor 'e cud eat, as it was; 
 
 kep' hke a Chrischun, 'e w^ere, and 'e didn't see 
 
 why 'e shud go a-bustin' of 'isself arter mice. 
 
 Any'ow, I'd come in and sye, ' 'As Jim caught 
 
 any o' them bloomin' mice yet? ' And the 
 
 answer w^ere aUus the sime : ' I ain't 
 142 
 
At Home 
 
 seed *im catch none, but 'e mye 'ave done. 
 Jim ain't a cat as does things fur show/ 
 
 Well, arter a time thet irritated me, and I 
 said, ' Look 'ere, nar, we 'ad that cat fur the 
 mice; if 'e don't kill 'em, it's artside fur 'im, 
 and strite — that's whart it is.' But, theer, my 
 missus wouldn't 'ear of it. She'd rigged up a 
 kind o' bawskit fur 'im, so as 'e cud sleep by 
 the kitching fire, sime as if 'e'd bin the Prince 
 o' Wiles, and mide a reg'lar pet of 'im. She 
 wouldn't 'ear of 'is goin' — said it 'ud brike 'er 
 'eart if she pawted with 'im. Whart one cat 
 eat made no diff'runce, and theer were no 
 licence ter pye, as if 'e'd bin a dorg, and the 
 likeli'ood was as 'e'd kep* the mice awye, even 
 if 'e didn't ketch 'em. Thet was 'ow she put it, 
 and she said as I ought ter be ashimed o' myself 
 fur talkin' o' tumin' the pore creechur art o' 
 doors. * Ho, very well,' says I, ' 'ave it your 
 own wye.' 
 
 And so she did, until one night, when I gort 
 'ome, she said, ' I'm afride as Jim's disgriced 
 'isself.' 
 
 ' Wharfs 'e done? ' says I. 
 143 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 ' *E's 'ad kittens/ says she. ' They're the 
 prettiest little things as ever you seed; can't 
 yer come and look at 'em ? ' 
 
 ' Whartfor? 'lasks. 
 
 ' Ter see which of 'em yer womt ter keep.' 
 
 ' Yes, that were it.' I bruk inter a bitter 
 lawf ; so bloomin' Hkely I were goin' ter turn 
 my 'ouse inter a lyin'-in 'orspital fur frauderlunt 
 tom-cats as turned art ter be shes, and then 
 pervide for their orfspring! No, thank yer. 
 Them kittens 'as bin disposed of, but we still 'as 
 Jim, and the missus still speaks of 'im as if 
 'e were a tom, though to my mind thet's wore 
 a bit thin. 
 
 She's a good sort, yer know, is my missus, 
 
 but I don't know as I can chme all the credit 
 
 fur pickin' 'er. Pawtly judgment, per'aps, but 
 
 also pawtly luck. Thet mostly comes in one 
 
 wye or another, as it did in the kise o' two 
 
 brothers as I knowed. Bill alius 'ad the best 
 
 luck that's mide — couldn't do nutthink wrong 
 
 — if 'e put a shiUin' on an artsider, that 'orse 
 
 won — if anybody dropped a 'alf-thick-im on 
 
 'Ampstid 'Eath, and Bill walked acrorst it a 
 144 
 
At Home 
 
 week arterwards, 'e famd thet 'alf-thick-un. 
 Jim, contreriwise, never 'ad no luck at all, 
 couldn't do nutthink right. Well, they was 
 both on 'em arter the sime gal — Jine her nime 
 was. It were aU done in a frien'ly sort o' wye, 
 and they agreed ter leave it ter the gal ter 
 settle it. In course, she picked BiU. Jim, 'e 
 took it pretty easy. * It's Bill's luck,' he said, 
 ' and theer's no stannin' aginst it.' Bill was 
 as pleased as Punch, and a fortnit arter 'e 
 merried the gal, an' they went off ter Mawgit. 
 I met 'im when 'e came back from 'is 'oney- 
 moon. 
 
 ' 'UUo, Bill! ' I says, ' 'Ow are yer goin' on? ' 
 
 ' Oh, narcely! ' says 'e, but 'e didn't look it. 
 
 ' So nar you're a merried man,' says I. 
 
 ' That is so,' says 'e, but nort with no 
 enthoosiasm. 
 
 ' I understan's,' says I, ' as Jim were arter 
 the sime gal, but yer cut 'im art. You 'as your 
 luck, Bill' 
 
 ' Yuss,' says 'e, ' but, speakin' in cornfidence, 
 I wish to 'Eaven I'd 'ad Jim's.' 
 
 Ah, she were a wrong un — a reg'lar right- 
 145 
 
De Omnibus 
 
 dam wrong un ! I sometimes think ter myself 
 that a man don't 'ave exper'unce enough nor 
 knowlidge enough ter choose a wife fur 'isself, 
 or buy a 'orse, until 'e's too old fur any think 
 egsep* dyin'. I'm a joodishus man myself, 
 but I don't mind ownin' that it was more 
 through luck nor joodishusness as I struck it 
 right. 
 
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