TITLE NAME 807 Book of humour, wit, and wisdom THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, WIT, AND WISDOM ROUTLEDGE'S POCKET LIBRARY IN MONTHLY VOLUMES. " A series of beautiful little books, tastefully bound." Times. " Beautifully printed and tastefully bound." Saturday Review. " Deserves warm praise for the taste shown in its production." -Athenaum. " Routledge's PERFECT Pocket Library." Punch. 1. BRET HABTE'S POEMS. 2. THACKERAY'S PARIS SKETCH BOOK. 3. HOOD'S COMIC POEMS. 4. DICKENS' S CHRISTMAS CAROL. 5. POEMS BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. 6. WASHINGTON IRVING'S SKETCH BOOK. 7. MACAULAY'S LAYS OP ANCIENT ROME. 8. GOLDSMITH'S VICAR OP WAKEFTELD. 9. HOOD'S SERIOUS POEMS. 10. LORD LYTTON'S COMING RACE. 11. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 12. MANON LESCAUT. 13. LONGFELLOW'S SONG OP HIAWATHA. 14. STERNE'S SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY. 15. DICKENS'S CHIMES. 16. MOORE'S IRISH MELODIES AND SONGS. 17. FIFTY 'BAB' BALLADS. 18. POEMS BY E. B. BROWNING. 19. BRET HARTE'S LUCK OF ROARING CAMP. 20. POEMS BY EDGAR ALLAN POE. 21. MILTON'S PARADISE LOST. 22. SCOTT'S LADY OF THE LAKE. 23. CAMPBELL'S POETICAL WORKS. 24. LORD BYRON'S WERNER. 25. BOOK OF HUMOUR, WIT, AND WISDOM. THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, WIT AND WISDOM A MANUAL OF TABLE-TALK LONDON GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL GLASGOW AND NEW YORK 1887 PREFACE. ALTHOUGH there is no lack of jest-books in this **- prolific age of publishing, yet there are few pub- lications of an anecdotal character, which combine this feature with extracts of a moral and philosophical nature. The object of this volume is to combine these elements, and thus to supply what would seem to some extent to be a biatus. The combination thus attempted will per- haps render this publication not only amusing, but to some extent instructive. All jokes of an indelicate and irreverent character (which, unfortunately, are rife in most anecdote-books) are carefully excluded, and it is hoped that the result is a book adapted for youthful and general perusal. Mingled with the trite jokes, which are so familiar to most readers, will be found numerous extracts possessing prominent historical interest. In embodying the different characteristics thus indicated, the object has been to illustrate the maxim DELECTANDO PARITERQUE MONENDO. It is curious to find, in the researches necessary for the preparation of a work of this description for the press, how many of the very oldest jokes are re-faced, and made to do duty as novelties in the current literature and table-talk of the day. Many of those here recorded are admittedly traceable to the immortal "Joe Miller," VI PREFACE. and many lay claim to even greater antiquity ; and yet, ancient as they are, how often do we find them to " set the table in a roar ! " In the arrangement of these pages, the compiler has availed himself of passages from many new works of interest, being enabled to do so by the courtesy of the several publishers, to whom his earnest thanks are due. To Messrs. Smith, Elder & Co., for permission to quote from Captain Gronow's amusing volume of " Reminiscences," acknowledgments are re- spectfully tendered ; and for the like indulgence, to use extracts from their publications, the compiler wishes to recognise the kindness of Messrs. Blackwood & Sons ; Mr. Bentley; Messrs. Chapman & Hall; Messrs. W. & R. Chambers; Messrs. Bell & Daldy; Messrs. Hurst & Blackett, and other eminent publishers. A considerable number of anecdotes illustrative of Scottish character are included ; this is mainly due to the politeness of Mr. David Robertson, and Messrs. Edmonston & Douglas, the publishers of Dean Ramsay's " Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character." Mr. Robertson, in the most courteous and liberal manner, placed entirely at the compiler's disposal his amusing volume "The Laird of Logan," the quaint stories in which book are probably new to many English readers. THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, WIT, AND WISDOM. The Battle of the Nile. TWO naval officers were disputing as to the import- ance of Lord Nelson's victories. They were unable to agree in opinion, when one of them appealing to the other said, ' ' At all events there can be no doubt which of his Lordship's victories yielded the least important re- sults. " " Which do you mean ?" said the other. "Why of course from its name," was the rejoiner, " the victory of the Nihil." acquaintance with those whose conversation is irreverent, and whose lives are immoral. Remember the axiom, " Evil communications corrupt good manners." Our Passions. While we labour to subdue our passions, we should take care not to extinguish them. Subduing our passions is disengaging ourselves from the world ; to which, however, whilst we reside in it, we must always bear relation ; and we may detach ourselves to such a degree- as to pass a useless and insipid life, which we were not meant to do. Our existence here is at least one part of a system. ^4 Cunning Irishman. An Irishman, in passing through the streets, picked up a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying in the street. "No, no," says he, "I'll have nothing to do with you, I lost three shillings by one like you yesterday." Sleeping Cars on American Raihuays. Each car can conveniently furnish beds to 48 persons, and seat 56. From the floor to the top the dormitories are about ten feet, and can accommodate four persons conveniently. For the extra privilege of sleeping, a charge of SQC. is made for the top apartment, for the second, 75C. , and for the lower apartment, i dol. 250. The bed curtains are of the finest damask ; and when the seats which form the beds are turned down, they form spring mattresses. Every alternate compartment is a state-room, with latticed door, which is a great im- 86 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, provement in sleeping railroad cars. The ventilating apparatus is most complete, and through it the car will always be cool and pleasant, even in the hottest weather. Every convenience has been nicely fitted up for the comfort of passengers. The woodwork is all of maple, highly polished, and the glass is tastefully stained. The cars also contain state-rooms, intended specially for the seclusion and convenience of the ladies. 4 Yankee Apology. An American newspaper contains the following retrac- tation, which would probably be not quite satisfactory to the offended party: "Amende honourable. We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chestnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chestnut Street Theatre, is no-thing." (25) D <9o THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, Sharp Enough Already. A solicitor who had a remarkably long and pointed nose, once told a lady, that if she did not immediately settle a matter which he had in hand against her, he would file a bill against her. "Indeed, sir," said the lady, ' ' you need not file your bill, for I am sure it is sharp enough already." 'Power Its Value. Power, like the diamond, dazzles the beholder, and also the wearer ; it dignifies meanness ; it magnifies littleness ; to what is contemptible, it gives authority ; to what is low, exaltation. To acquire it, appears not more diffi- cult than to "be dispossessed of it, when acquired, since it enables the holder to shift his own errors on depend- ants, and to take their merits to himself. But the miracle of losing it vanishes, when we reflect that we are as liable to fall ;as to rise, by the treachery of others ; and that to say "I am," is language that has been appro- priated exclusively to God ! Virtue. Virtue, without talent, is a coat of mail without a sword ; it may, indeed, defend the wearer, but will not enable him to protect his friend. Toets and their Works. All poets pretend to write for immortality, but the whole tribe have no objection to present pay and present praise. But Lord Burleigh is the only statesman who ever thought WIT, AND WISDOM. 99 one hundred pounds too much for a song, though sung by Spenser : although Oliver Goldsmith is the only poet who ever considered himself to have been overpaid. The reward, in this arena, is not to the swift, nor the prize to the strong. Editors have gained more pounds by publishing Milton's works, than he ever gained pence by writing them ; and Garrick has reaped a richer harvest in a single night, by acting in one play of Shakspere's, than the poet himself obtained by the genius which inspired the whole of them. Vicious Habits. They are so great a stain to human nature, and so odious in themselves, that every person actuated by proper feelings would avoid them, though he was sure they would be always concealed both from God and man, and that no future punishment awaited those who in- dulged in them. ^Duration of Life. Buffon, the naturalist, makes the following calculations on the durability of life : From the best calculations, only one out of 3210 reach the age of 100. Of 1000 in- fants nursed by the mother, about 300 die ; of the same number nursed out, 500 die. More people live to a great age in elevated situations than in lower ones. Of the children born alive, one- fourth die before eleven months, one-third before the twenty-third month, half before their- eighth year, two-thirds of mankind die before their thirty- ninth year, three-fourths before their fifty-first year, and of about 12,000 only one survives a whole century. IOO THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, *Avoid Defamation. Never speak ill of any man ; if you malign a wise and good man, it is impious ; and it is better to give a bad man your prayers than to revile him. , sir," said the learned counsel, " you went to sow the seeds of this prosecution." "No, Mr. Clarkson," said Lord Lyndhurst, "he only found the mould." Conjugal Differences. A lady who was constantly quarrelling with her hus- band, expressed her surprise that they disagreed so frequently, "for," said she, "we agree uniformly in one grand point : he wishes to be master, and so do I." Jack Reeve and his Razors. A story is told of poor Jack Reeve the actor. One day when he was going out on some expedition with a friend who was waiting for him, he had to go through 2O8 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, the process of shaving. His razor was utterly unfit for the operation ; its condition somewhat resembling a saw. Turning round coolly to his attendant, a sharp-looking London boy, he expostulated thus : " Dick, don't open any more oysters with my razors." Old Stories Over Again. Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner, with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied that he had been asleep : and, to prove that he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story ; and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well, "said Doddington, "and yet I did not hear a word of it ; but I went to sleep because I knew that about that time of day you would tell that story." . Mountford's Last Appearance on the Stage. M. Esquiros in his work, "The English at Home," relates the following anecdote : Love had deprived her of reason, and she was confined in a madhouse, when, one day, during a lucid interval, she asked what was the piece to be performed that evening at the theatre. The answer she received was to the effect that it was "Hamlet." She remembered that she had always been partial to the character of Ophelia, and, with the cunning that frequently characterises the insane, she escaped towards evening from the asylum, went to the theatre, and, concealed in the side scenes, awaited the moment when Ophelia was to appear in a state of mad- WIT, AND WISDOM. 209 ness. She glided on to the stage at the moment when the actress who had played the first portion of the part was about to make her entrance. Imagine the surprise of the audience at the sight of another face, which had the eyes, expression, voice, and gestures of the ideal girl dreamed of by Shakespere ! It was no longer an actress, but Ophelia herself ; it was madness, but intelligent madness, at once graceful and terrible. Nature had made a supreme effort. " Now," the actress exclaimed, on leaving the theatre, "all is over." Mrs. Mountford died a few days later. Ttjchard Whately and Nassau Senior. The following account of the appointment of Whately to the Archbishopric of Dublin is from Blackwood's Magazine: The late Mr. Nassau Senior, going in for his bachelor's degree, was plucked. He failed, if we recollect right, in divinity, to break down in which, as it formed the first subject on which the aspirant was then examined, rendered fruitless any amount of general learning, and insured immediate rejection. Nowise dis- trustful of himself, Mr. Senior determined to try again at the next examination ; and, in the meanwhile, looked out for a private tutor with whom to read. He called upon Whately, and expressed a wish to be received by him as a pupil. Whately, never very tender of the feelings of others, though as little delighting in the pain which he inflicted as man could well do, scarcely took the trouble to look his visitor in the face, but answered, "You were plucked, I believe. I never receive pupils unless I see reason to assume that they mean to aspire at honours." "I mean to aspire at honours," replied Senior. "You do, do you?" was the answer. "May I ask what class you intend to take?" " A first class," 2IO THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, said Senior coolly. Whately's brow relaxed. He seemed tickled with the idea that a lad who had been plucked in November should propose to get into the first class in March ; and he at once desired Senior to come to be coached. Never were tutor and pupil better matched. Senior read hard went up, as he had proposed to do, into the schools in March and came out of them with the highest honours which the examining masters could confer. Senior and Whately became fast friends at once ; and to Senior, more perhaps than to Earl Grey himself, Whately was, in point of fact, indebted for his advancement to the see of Dublin. For Senior, a man of great talent which a very silly manner and a vast amount of vanity could not mar made himself useful to the Whigs in various ways, and was especially consulted by them in the preparation of their new Poor Law. It happened that, during an interview with Earl Grey, the latter spoke of the death of Archbishop Magee, and of the difficulty which he experienced in finding a successor for that prelate from among a body so tinctured as the more eminent of the clergy then were with Toryism. ' ' You need not go far for a man who will fill the see with credit to you and honour to himself," said Senior. Then followed an account of Whately of his scholar- ship, his reforming propensities, his acquaintance with the principles of political economy, and his Liberalism. Lord Grey listened attentively, inquired farther about Whately, and finally, in a manner most gratifying to the subject of this sketch, offered him the archbishopric. Eulogium on Pitt. The conclusion of the inscription on the monument to Pitt, in the Guildhall, London, is perhaps the highest tribute which has ever been paid to a deceased states- WIT, AND WISDOM. 211 man. After a high eulogium on the abilities of this great Minister, showing the immense power that he possessed, the panegyric concludes with these words : " HE LIVED WITHOUT OSTENTATION, AND HE DIED POOR." ^American Bathos. An American paper indulges in the following bom- bastic description : Last night the sun set in glorious effulgence, as though he would make amends for his last performance, which was wanting in all the essentials of a southern sunset. As he slowly sank over the sleet- crusted forests of Arkansas, his light lit them up with a magic splendour ; they looked like a world of silver arborescence, sparkling as if every bud had been trans- formed into a diamond. As the reflection of the bur- nished clouds for a moment rested here or there, it looked like a poetical realisation of Solomon's idea of "apples of gold in pictures of silver." It was altogether a picture for a poet to see not describe ; to enthuse a painter, but not for a painter to paint. How such a scene glorifies God, yet how it burns the fact of the human finiteness into our own proud hearts. *An Outside Place at a TIjeatre. In a country theatre, after the play was over, which was wretchedly performed, an actor came upon the stage to give out the play for the next night. " Pray," said one of the audience, "what is the name of the piece you have played to-night?" "The Stage-Coach, sir," said the actor. " Then let me know when you perform. It again, that I may be an outside passenger." 212 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, T\:e Origin of the M'Gregors. In Chambers's ' ' Book of Days " the origin of the clan M 'Gregor is thus traced : St. Gregory the Great was a weakly man, often suffering from bad health, and he did not get beyond the age of sixty-four. We owe to him a phrase which has become a sort of formula for the Popes "Servant of the servants of God." His name, which is the same as Vigilantius or Watchman, became, from veneration to him, a favourite one ; we find it borne, amongst others, by a Scottish prince of the eighth century, the reputed progenitor of the clan M 'Gregor. It is curious to think of this formidable band of High- land outlaws of the seventeenth century as thus con- nected by a chain of historical circumstances with the gentle and saintly Gregory, who first caused the lamp of Christianity to be planted in England. Requiring Long Credit. Fox, the statesman, on being applied to by an im- portunate Jew, from whom he had borrowed money, for payment, expressing his inability to pay then, was requested to fix some day for paying the money. "Well then," said Fox, "suppose we name the day of judg- ment." "Ah, sir," said the Jew, " that will be a very busy day for all of us." "True," replied the debtor, " then suppose we make it the day after." y Contrary. When General was quartered with his regiment in a small town in Ireland, he and his wife were con- stantly importuned as they got into their carriage by a beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh solicitations. Their charity and patience at length became exhausted. One morning, as the lady and her husband stepped into the carriage, the beggar-woman began : " Oh, my lady ! success to your ladyship, for sure did I not dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honour gave W.IT, AND WISDOM. 2$ I me a pound of tobacco." " But, my good woman," said the General, "don't you know that dreams go by the rule of contrary?" "Ah," rejoined the old woman; " then it must mean, that your honour will give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco." *A Crooked Traveller. A deformed gentleman, on his arrival at a provincial town, was asked what place he had come from. "Straight from London," was the reply. "Then," said the inquirer, "you must have got terribly twisted on the road." Frederick the Great and the Monfa. Inspecting his finance affairs, and questioning the parties interested, Frederick, says Thomas Carlyle, notices a certain convent in Cleves, which appears to have, payable from the forest dues, considerable re- venues bequeathed by the old dukes ' ' for masses to be said on their behalf." He goes to look at the place, questions the monks on this point, who are all drawn out, in two rows, and have broken into Te Deum at sight of him: Hush! "You still say those masses, then?" " Certainly, your Majesty." "And what good does anybody get of them?" "Your Majesty, those old sovereigns are to obtain heavenly mercy by them, to be delivered out of purgatory by them." "Purgatory? It is a sore thing for the forests, all this while ! And they are not yet out, those poor souls, after so many hundred years of praying?" Monks have a fatal apprehension, No. . " When will they be out, and the 252 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, thing complete?" Monks cannot say. "Send me a courier whenever it is complete ! " sneers the King, and leaves them to their Te Deum. Value of a Play. A lady who had written a play sent it to the manager of a theatre with a very civil message, offering it to him for nothing. He observed, "She knew the exact value of it." *A Slip of tlie Tongue. A gentleman's servant bringing into the dining-room (where a dinner party was assembled) a boiled tongue, tripped on the floor, and caused the tongue to roll off the dish. The master of the house, not the least affected by the accident, soon removed the embarrassment of his guests, as well as of the servant, by saying, with much good-humour, ' ' There's no harm done, gentlemen, it is merely a lapsus lingua." This fortunate jeu-de-mot excited much merriment. A gentleman present, struck with the happy effect of this stroke of wit, was deter- mined to let off the joke himself. He invited a large party, and when they were all assembled he directed his servant to let a piece of roast beef fall on the floor. "Never mind," cried the host, "it is only a lapsus lingua." Making up for Lost Time. A well-known wit who was a great lover of convi- viality, frequently spent the whole night in company, WIT, AND WISDOM. 253 and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had arisen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence ; which she concluded by saying, "I see plainly that you'll shorten your days." "Very true, madam," replied he, " but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights." Sir Gerald Massey and the Pugilist. In Russell's " Eccentric Personages," the following narrative is given : Ralph Button, a brawny pugilist of local celebrity, was given to cruel practical jokes. One hot day, Sir Gerald, a great walker, finding himself some thirty miles distant from Stone Hall, and at a place where he was personally unknown, entered a humble hostelry, called for refreshment of some kind, and sat down amidst a number of rude peasants. It was Sunday the time, afternoon. Ralph Button was there, swaggering and bullying after his usual fashion ; but one especial object of his enmity and spite was a grey- haired man named Travis. The old man was guardian to a niece who would in a few weeks be entitled to the splendid fortune of one hundred pounds. That one hundred pounds was much coveted by the brutal pugilist, and the rejection by John Travis of his request to go a- courting the niece was savagely resented. After a good deal of bitter chaff on Button's part, he affected a wish to make it up, be good friends, and offered his hand to the old man in token of his sincerity. The pledge of amity was accepted, and then Button, grasping the hand of Travis in his own, " and keeping the fingers straight," pressed them together with a vice-like force. Many 2)4 E BOOK OF HUMOUR, people know by experience that this inflicts excruciating torture ; and the old man yelled with pain. Sir Gerald, who was eating powdered beef, sprang up and struck Button in the face with such right good will, that blood spurted from his nose and mouth, and he let go the old man's hand. The brutal pugilist turned fiercely upon Sir Gerald. Had he mentioned who he was, Bully Button would not have dared to assault a titled wealthy county magistrate, or the rustics present, who must all have heard of "good " Sir Gerald Massey, would have immediately interfered, and settled Button's business in a twinkling. Sir Gerald disdained to do so. A regular turn-up fight ensued, and, after a contest which lasted nearly an hour, the thews and sinews of the pugilist pre- vailed. Sir Gerald was beaten into a state of insensi- bility, but not till he had inflicted severe punishment upon his adversary. A doctor was sent for, and the injuries which Sir Gerald had received being very serious, and in the medical gentleman's opinion might possibly have a fatal result, the patient's pockets were searched to ascertain whom he might be. To the astonishment and consternation of the landlady, and great delight of the doctor, it was found by papers or letters he had about him, that the man who had fought a vulgar public-house fight with a low professional bully was Sir Gerald Massey, of Stone Hall, near Appleby ! Button fled the county, and enlisted in the army. Sir Gerald quickly recovered, and so little malice did he feel towards the brute by whom he had been so severely beaten, that he made the fellow's mother a paralytic woman who had been dependent on her son for support a present of ten guineas, and allowed her five shillings per week during life. WIT, AND WISDOM. Sydney Smith and Landseer. It is recorded of Sydney Smith that he was once asked by Landseer, the celebrated animal painter, to sit for his portrait. " Is thy servant a dog that he should do this?" was the reply of the witty divine. iA. Diner Out. It was remarked of a slanderer, who was also a con- stant guest at the table of every one who invited him, that he never opened his mouth but at the expense of his friends. 'Beau Brnmmell in Exile. This account of the declining years of this once cele- brated man is given in Russell's " Eccentric Personages." The habits of this eccentric gentleman clung to him through life. He was as preposterously exclusive when a fugitive from his creditors, and living upon the charity of his former acquaintances, as in the days of his ephe- meral prosperity. He took up his quarters at a Calais hotel, where he lived in very comfortable style for seven- teen years. His correspondence and the occasional visits of great people imposed upon the French trades- men, who believed he was suffering under a temporary eclipse only, and would again shine out resplendently, a bright particular star in the aristocratic galaxy of England. The French are an acute people, but they have strange notions with regard to England and English society. For example, they believe the Lord Mayor of London to be a potentate second only in dignity and power to the monarch of Great Britain, It is not at all 256 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, surprising that they should have believed in Beau Brummell. The Duchess of York, a very amiable lady, sent him not only money, but a table-cover worked with her own hands. This steadfast friendship of her Royal Highness seems to show that, aften all, the vain coxcomb must have had something good in him. Lord Sefton, moreover, paid him a visit ; so did Wellesley Pole and Prince Puckler Muskau, the Prussian nobleman who once made a small splutter in the literary line. Let us pass swiftly over the decline and fall of this once celebrated gentleman. His debts in Calais rapidly accumulated. His English friends, generous as many of them were, could not supply his extravagances ; and when George IV. passed through Calais on a visit to Hanover, and did not send force ctlebre Brummell, the faith of the French in the great man sank to zero as quickly as did that of Justice Shallow in Sir John Falstaff, when Henry V. (in the play) publicly rebuked and cast him off. Brummell was refused credit, and a prison was not obscurely hinted at. Driven to desperation, he applied to the Duke of York to procure for him, through his influence with the Ministry, a Government appointment. The application was successful, and on the loth of September 1830, Beau Brummell was appointed English consul at Caen, at a salary of four hundred pounds per annum. Landed at last, one would think, safe out of Fortune's reach. Not at all. His debts followed ; his foolish habits clung to him till the last, till at length the only person whom he could rely upon to befriend him was Mr. Arm- strong, a grocer established in Caen. ' ' My dear Arm- strong," he wrote one day, " lend me seventy francs to pay my washerwoman." Yet the man who wrote that note would not " honour" with his presence any assem- blage at which people in the remotest degree connected with commerce were to be met with. WIT, AND WISDOM. 257 iA Compliment. Quin, the actor, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature ; we always see more of heaven than earth." How to Sweat a Patient. A young gentleman was undergoing an examination at the College of Surgeons, when the questions put were of a very searching character. After answering a number of queries, he was asked what he would prescribe to throw a patient into a profuse perspiration. " Why," exclaimed the youthful Galen, " I would send him here to be examined ; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would." Wilkes and, the Councilman. Among the guests at a corporation dinner during the mayoralty of John Wilkes, the celebrated politician, was a noisy, vulgar, common councilman, who on enter- ing the dining-room, took off his wig and suspended it on a peg, and with much solemnity put on a cotton night-cap. Wilkes could not take his eyes from the man. At length the offender walked up to him, and asked him whether he did not think that his cap became him? "Oh! yes, sir," replied W T ilkes ; "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite over your face." (25) I 2)8 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, iA Purblind Irishman. An Irishman on board a ship was ordered by one of the officers to go below and fetch a jug of water just as the ship was about to sail. The man hesitated to go, because, as he said, the vessel being about to sail, he was afraid he should be left behind. *A Dead Shot. A barrister on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury his feats in shooting, said that he had on a recent occasion shot thirty hares before breakfast. "Thirty hairs!" exclaimed the witty Lord, "why, you must have been firing at a -wig." Cherry and the Manager. Mr. A. Cherry, the actor, once received an offer of an engagement from a country manager, who had on some occasion previously treated him badly. Cherry declined the offer on the plea that he had been bitten once by the manager, and he had determined that he should not .make two bites of a cherry. 'Dublin Stage Anecdotes of Bygone Times. The following Theatrical Reminiscences are recorded in the Dublin University Magazine: Mossop opened his first campaign with spirit. His best cards, next to himself, were Digges and Mrs. Bellamy. But the lady's charms and powers were on the wane her voice had WIT, AND WISDOM. 259 lost its music and her eyes their brilliancy. Each house endeavoured to forestall the other by anticipating plays in preparation. Unfair means were resorted to to obtain intelligence. Animosities between the two theatres were carried to such a pitch, that a man in the Crow Street interest arrested Mrs. Bellamy as she was passing through the stage door to her dressing-room. The bailiff owned to her that he had been particularly ordered not to exe- cute the writ on a morning, as it was known she had friends who would advance the money. Her part on the first night of a new play was, consequently, obliged to be read. She relates the anecdote in her own " Memoirs," and adds, that although her salary was fifty guineas a week, she never had one in hand. The Smock Alley government retorted by a counter-stroke. One night Barry lay dead on the stage as Romeo. After the curtain fell, two sons of Agrippa, who had been smuggled behind the scenes as "swells," advanced towards him, and with great delicacy and attention helped him to rise. All three thus standing together, Barry in the centre, one of them whispered politely, "Pardon me, sir, I have an action against you," and touc^d him on the shoulder. ' ' Indeed ! " said Barry, ' ' thisV\ rather a piece of treachery. At whose suit ? " The rfcj :*n named the plaintiff, and Barry, who had no alternate, prepared to walk off the stage in their cus- tody. At that moment the scene-men and carpenters, who now understood how it was with their master, after a little busy whispering consultation, went off and almost immediately returned, dragging on with them an ominous-looking piece of machinery, followed by a par- ticularly bold and ferocious fellow, who grasped a hatchet. Barry, surprised, asked them, " What they were about?" One of them said, "Sir, we are only preparing the altar of Merope, because we are going to have a sacrifice." 2UO THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, The savage-looking carpenter hereupon flourished his hatchet and grinned horribly at the bailiffs. Barry, alarmed, exclaimed, " Be quiet, you foolish fellows." But perceiving they were serious, he beckoned the two catch-poles to accompany him, and led them through the lobbies and passages in safety to the outward door of the theatre, where they quitted him on his assurance that the debt should be settled the next morning. They wished him good-night with many thanks, and rejoicing in their escape with whole bones. An incident some- what similar to this, but more ludicrous, occurred when Carter, the Lion King, as he was called, was exhibiting with Ducrow at Astley's. A manager with whom Carter had made and broken an engagement issued a writ against him. The bailiffs came to the stage-door and asked for Carter. "Show the gentlemen up," said Ducrow ; and when they reached the stage there sat Carter composedly in the great cage, with an enormous lion on each side of him. ' ' There's Mr. Carter waiting for you, gentlemen," said Ducrow, " go in and take him. Carter, my boy, open the door." Carter proceeded to obey, at the same time eliciting, by a private signal, a tremendous roar from his companions. The bailiffs staggered back in terror, rolled over each other as they rushed down stairs, and nearly fainted before they reached the street. O'Keeffe says : " I was once asked by Barry, who knew my skill in drawing, to make his face for ' Lear." I went to his dressing-room, and used my camel-hair pencil and Indian ink, with, as I thought, a very venerable effect. When he came into the green- room, royally dressed, asking some of the performers how he looked, Isaac Sparkes, in his Lord-Chief-Joker way, remarked, ' As you belong to the London Beef- steak Club, O'Keeffe has made you peeping through a gridiron. ' " Actors have strange ideas on the subject of WIT, AND WISDOM. 261 what they call making up their faces. We have seen old Mick Fullam, at eighty, deeply indenting his furrowed visage with black lines, to make him look, as he thought, more like an aged man. Barry was so doubtful of his own conceptions, that he was in the habit of asking experienced stage-carpenters, at rehearsals, to give him their opinion how he acted such and such a passage ; and he used to call them aside for this purpose. So Moliere was accustomed to read his humorous scenes to his housekeeper, a dull and heavy old lady ; and if she laughed, he allowed them to stand. i.4 Query Answered. Why can a person who has run away from his creditors, be said to be a man of integrity ? Because he is a non est man. How to Cure the Gout. Abernethy, the celebrated surgeon, was once asked by a gourmand what was the best cure for the gout. " Live upon sixpence a day and earn it ! " was the answer. George Frederick Cooke. On one occasion when this famous actor was playing his celebrated character of Richard the Third, the person enacting Rate] iff was very imperfect in his part. Coming on the stage, in the fifth act of the play, to King Richard, just as he concludes his well-known soliloquy in the tent- scene, the King inquires, as Ratcliff enters, " Who's there?" On the occasion in question, Ratcliff got as far 262 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, in his speech in reply, as " 'Tis I the early village cock " 'and he could proceed no further. After a short pause, Cooke, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, said, " Why the deuce don't you crow then ? " Mademoiselle Piccolomini. Mr. Lumley, the late manager of Her Majesty's Theatre, thus speaks of this charming singer in his book containing memories of the Opera. It may be fairly said, without detracting from Mademoiselle Piccolomini's merits, that a certain portion of the excitement which she created on her first appearance may be attributed to the romance which signalised her operatic career. The descendant of a noble Italian family, which had given popes, cardinals, generals, and statesmen to her native country ; the child of a race so often illustrated in history ; living in right of her name, her title, and her family connections, in the first Italian society of Rome and France, she had from her earliest childhood conceived irresistible longings, augmenting with years, to devote herself to the public profession of that art she felt within her, and which seemed to point out the coarse of her destiny. Private life grew more and more wearisome, became almost impossible to bear, as these aspirations strengthened with her advance to womanhood. So urgent was the incessant importunity of little Marietta Piccolomini, that her parents were obliged at last to yield a reluctant consent to her appear- ance on the operatic stage. Her youth, her vivacity, her fiquante grace, ensured her a favourable reception, even as a novice. Her fame soon increased ; in Florence, Rome, and Turin, she was welcomed as the spoiled child of the public. In the "Traviata," more especially, her success was enthusiastic. On many occasions her ardent WIT, AND WISDOM. 263 admirers would have dragged her carriage home, had not the spirited girl herself protested against such mistaken homage, or escaped by a ruse from so doubtful a triumph. c/4 Philosophic Clergyman. A certain preacher gave it as one proof of the wise and benevolent disposition of Providence, that the greatest rivers were always seen to flow past the most populous towns. iA Wrong Conversion. Old Elwes, the miser, having listened to a very elo- quent discourse on charity, remarked: "That sermon so strongly proves the necessity of alms-giving, that I've almost a mind to beg." *A Curious Notion of Heaven. Dean Ramsay, in his " Reminiscences," relates the following anecdote : At Hawick the people wear wooden clogs, which make a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, " Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heeven, and gin you should see our folk, ye can tell 'em that we're a' weel." To which Jenny replied, "Weel, gin I should see them I'se tell them ; but you mauna expect that I am to gang clank, clanking thro' heeven lookin' for your folk ! " *A Candid Opinion. A vain and frivolous authoress asked Dr Johnson to give her his opinion of a work she had written, of which 264 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, she handed him the manuscript for perusal, saying at the same time that she "had other irons in the fire." After perusing a page or two the Doctor returned it to her, saying, that his "candid opinion was that she had better put it where her other irons were." Swiff s Enigma upon the Vowels. We are little airy creatures, All of different voice and features ; One of us in glass is set, One of us you'll find in jet, T'other you may see in tin, And the fourth a box within. If the fifth you should pursue, It can never fly from you. / this the other second objected as unnecessary. "Their hands," said he, " have been shaking this half-hour." *An Arab's Lme for his Horse. When Napoleon was in Egypt he wished to purchase of a poor Arab of the desert a beautiful horse, with an intention of sending him to France as a present. The Arab, pressed by want, hesitated a long time, but at length consented, on receiving a large sum of money in payment for the animal. Napoleon at once agreed to pay the sum named, and requested the Arab to bring his horse. The man, so indigent as to possess only a miser- able rag as a covering for his body, arrived with his magnificent courser ; he dismounted, and, looking first at the gold and then steadfastly at his horse, heaved a deep sigh. "To whom is it," he exclaimed, "that I am going to yield thee up ? To Europeans ! who will tie thee up close, who will beat thee, who will render 284 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, thee miserable ! Return with me, my beauty ! my jewel ! and rejoice the hearts of my children ! " As he pro- nounced the last words, he sprang upon his back, and was out of sight almost in a moment. This incident produced from the pen of the Hon. Mrs. Norton a charm- ing little poem, entitled, ' ' The Arab's Farewell to his Steed." Tower of the Press. Despotism can no more exist in a nation, until the liberty of the press be destroyed, than the night can happen before the sun is set. Lord Lonsdale's Nine Pins, The Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members every Parliament, who were facetiously called, "Lord Lonsdale's Nine Pins." One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and repeated cheers. Mr. Fox entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the House was cheering. " Oh, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan; "only Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale's Nine Pins," Tlie Manager and the Conductor. Mr. Lumley, in his " Reminiscences," thus speaks of Costa the conductor, and an opera by him : It is gtfra- ordinary that Costa should have failed where it was natural his experience would have made him absolute WIT, AND WISDOM. 285 master namely, in the adaptation of his music to the singers' voices. The artists all complained (in an under- tone, of course) that the Tessitura was too high for them, and that if the management continued to give Signor Costa's opera, injury to their voices would be the inevitable consequence. One great singer (an especial friend of the composer) urged this point strongly on the director, at the same time expressing his surprise that Costa, who had had so much knowledge of the voices of the company, should compose for them d trovers. But for these energetic remonstrances the opera might have been given oftener, notwithstanding the serious loss it entailed upon the treasury. For I felt how deeply Signor Costa was interested in its success, and, as a matter both of good-will and policy, I was desirous of pleasing my conductor. Combined, however, with the private complaints of the artists, were the expostulations of the subscribers, and in spite of personal inclinations I was obliged to withdraw the opera. The composer, as he could not suspect the artists, and slow to believe in the dissatisfaction of the subscribers, consequently threw all the blame on the management ; and although I had laboured hard to procure an opposite result, he ascribed to me the comparative failure of his opera. This inci- dent is one among many that tend to show the wisdom of the law laid down at the Grand Opera of Paris, peremptorily forbidding the production of any composi- tion either of the chef cCorchestre or the director of the music. Lord Clare and his Dog. Lord Chancellor Clare, on one occasion while Curran was addressing him in a most important case, occupied himself with a favourite Newfoundland dog, seated by 286 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, him in court. Curran having ceased speaking, through indignation, Lord Clare raised his head, and asked : "Why don't you proceed, Mr. Curran?" " I thought your lordships were in consultation," replied Curran. ^Anecdotes of Wewitzer. Wewitzer was recognised as the greatest wit of the green-room. Speaking one day of his friend Tom Collins, he observed, Tom had two excellent qualities ; he never lies long in bed, and never wears a great- coat. Those who were accustomed to the petit ap- pearance of Collins, could not avoid laughing at the way in which his peculiarities had been brought for- ward. A gentleman from the north was boasting of his stamina, and observed that he ate a great deal every morning. "Then, sir," said Wewitzer, "I presume you breakfast in a timber-yard ! " The gentleman took the thing in dudgeon, and made an excellent involuntary pun. Without knowing the name of the person who had given him a hard breakfast, he replied, ' ' That is Wee wit, sir." Eloquence and RJxtoric. Eloquence is the language of nature, and cannot be learnt in the schools ; the passions are powerful pleaders, and their very silence, like that of Garrick, goes directly to the soul ; but rhetoric is the creature of art, which he who feels least, will most excel in ; it is the quackery of eloquence, and deals in nostrums, not in cures. Melancholy Actor. Carlini was the first comic actor on the stage at Padua ; a single glance of his eye would diffuse a smile over the WIT, AND WISDOM. 287 most rigid countenance. A gentleman one morning waited on the first physician in that city, and requested that he would prescribe for a disease, to which he was not merely subject, but a victim melancholy. " Melan- choly !" repeated the physician, "you must go to the theatre : Carlini will soon dissipate your gloom, and enliven your spirits." "Dear sir," said his patient, seizing the doctor by the hand, "excuse me, I am Carlini himself ; at the moment I convulse the audience with laughter, I am a prey of the disease which I came to consult you on." 'Drawings of Cork. Foote, praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister-kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been to Cork? " No, sir," replied Foote ; " but I have seen many drawings of it." The Last Days of Turner the Painter. The following account of the last hours of this eminent man is extracted from Russell's ' ' Eccentric Person- ages : " Becoming more and more conscious of the swift approach of death, and fancying, perhaps, that a change of scene seclusion from society might retrim the expiring lamp, he suddenly left Queen Anne Street, with merely a change of linen, as if he were going out for a walk, and took lodging in a cottage at Chelsea, next door to which ginger-beer was sold, and not far from the present Cremorne Pier. It was a long time before his whereabout was discovered by his old faithful housekeeper, Mrs. Danby, by accident. He had not then many days to live. A medical gentleman whom he 288 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, had known at Margate Margate which he was never weary of visiting, and the memories of which were pre- sent to him in his last hours had been sent for, and he had no sooner looked upon the moribund than he gently but firmly announced that the last hour was at hand. Turner was greatly shocked, and refused to believe that his end, that " annihilation " was so near. " Go down- stairs," trembled from his ashen lips " go downstairs, and take a glass of wine. Then come and look at me again." The medical gentleman did so, returned, and again interpreted in the same words the doom of inevitable death written unmistakably upon the great painter's brow. A few hours afterwards, on the igth December 1851, J. M. W. Turner, R.A. , expired, aged seventy-nine years. 'Dr. Johnson's " Irene" When Dr. Johnson read some parts of his tragedy of ' ' Irene " to his friend Mr. Walmsley, who was registrar of the Spiritual Court, Walmsley objected to his having brought his heroine into great distress in the early part of the play, and asked him, " How can you possibly con- trive to plunge her into deeper calamity?" Johnson replied, ' ' Sir, I can put her into the Spiritual Court ! " Lord Mordaunt and the Canary. This anecdote is related in Russell's " Eccentric Per- sonages : " An amusing anecdote is related as having occurred just about the time of the flight of King James. Mordaunt was in love it may, indeed, be doubted that he was ever out of love. Mordaunt was in love with a lady who had a fancy to a beautiful canary belonging to the proprietress of a coffee-house, near Charing Cross, WIT, AND WISDOM. 289 and insisted that her noble lover should at any price procure it for her. Lord Mordaunt endeavoured to do so, but the landlady refused to part with her pet for any sum of money. The lady insisted. He must bring the canary, or not presume to see her face again. Thus goaded, Mordaunt hit upon a clever expedient. Search- ing the depots of bird-fanciers, he found a canary closely resembling the superb songster which had so charmed his lady-love ; but it was a hen canary, and could not chirrup a note. Hastening to the coffee-house, Lord Mordaunt contrived to get rid of the landlady a Catholic and devoted Loyalist for a few minutes, and adroitly substituted his female for the male canary. After a considerable time he called at the coffee-house and asked the proprietress if she did not regret having refused the handsome offer he had made for her bird. " Oh dear no," said the woman ; " he is more precious to me than ever ; for do you know that since our good king was compelled to leave his kingdom, he has not sung a single note ! " Charles VII. of France. In the midst of the distresses with which France was harassed in the reign of this Prince, and whilst the English were in possession of Paris, Charles amused himself with balls and entertainments. The brave La Hire coming to Charles one day to talk to him on some business of importance, while the luxurious Prince was occupied in arranging one of his parties of pleasure, was interrupted by the monarch, who asked him what he thought of his arrangement. " I think, Sire," said he, ' ' that it is impossible for any one to lose his kingdom more pleasantly than your Majesty. " (25) K THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, Compassion not due to Tyrants. When the cruel fall into the hands of the cruel, we read their fate with horror, not with pity. Sylla com- manded the bones of Marius to be broken, his eyes to be pulled out, his hands to be cut off, and his body to be torn in pieces with pincers, and Catiline was the executioner. " A piece of cruelty," says Seneca, " only fit for Marius to suffer, Catiline to execute, and Sylla to command." Anecdotes of Dr. Wbately. Mr. Fitzpatrick, in his " Life of Archbishop Whately," relates as follows : The following was one of the Arch- bishop's stories : "A young chaplain of Lord Mulgrave's had preached a sermon of great length before his lord- ship. ' Sir," said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, ' there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before.' 'Oh, my lord,' said the flattered chaplain, 'it is a common text, and 1 could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject.' ' I heard the clock strike twice,' said Lord Mulgrave." "A clergyman, who made a touching appeal to Dr. Whately's generosity, was unhesitatingly accommodated with a loan of ^400. He deserted the Archbishop's ievees, and was not seen at the palace, or heard of, for many years after. One day the Doctor's study-door opened noiselessly, and the borrower stood before him, presenting an aspect half suggestive of Haydon's figure of Lazarus, and half of the "*Prodigal Son's return. Hilloa ! ' exclaimed the Archbishop, starting up to kill the fatted calf, ' what in the name of wonder became of you so long ? ' 'I did not like to present myself before WIT, AND WISDOM. 29! your Grace,' replied the clergyman, who was a man of high literary attainments, and of higher principle, ' until I found myself in a position to return the sum which you so generously lent me ' saying which he advanced to the study-table and deposited upon it a pile of bank notes. ' Tut, tut ! ' said the Archbishop, taking the arm of his visitor, ' put up your money, and now come down to luncheon.' " A remark made by the late Sir Philip Crampton, which sounded at the time extravagant, will, now that Dr. Whately's charity is better bruited, fail to awaken surprise : ' ' At a meeting of the Irish Zoological Society, some years ago, when a subscription among the members was on foot, Dr. suggested that Dr. Whately's name ought to be put down for at least .50. ' He has not got it,' interposed Sir Philip Crampton ; ' no one knows him better than I do ; he gives away every farthing of his income ; and so privately is it bestowed that the recipients themselves are the only witnesses of his bounty.' " A ripe scholar and gentleman died some years since in Dublin, leaving his family almost destitute. Dr. Whately, having been made acquainted with the circum- stance, aided them by the munificent relief of ^looo. A classical teacher was threatened by a legal execu- tion ; Mr. M , on his behalf, represented his painful situation to the Archbishop, who, having been informed that ^250 would make him a comparatively free and happy man, filled a cheque for that amount, and thus averted the catastrophe. Tlushe, Solicitor-General in Ireland. Bushe, the Irish Solicitor-General, although attached to the Tory party, was supposed to entertain too liberal 292 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, opinions on the Roman Catholic question. Dining one day with the Duke of Richmond, he did not seem ready to respond to the charter toast. " Come, come," voci- ferated his Grace, ' ' do justice, Mr. Solicitor, to ' the immortal memory. 1 " He did it such ample and such repeated justice, that at last he tumbled from his chair. The Duke immediately raised him. " Well," hiccupped Bushe, ' ' this is indeed retribution. Attached to the Catholics, you may declare me to be ; but, at all events, I never assisted at the elevation of the Host." 'Physiognomy. Pickpockets and beggars are the best practical physiog- nomists, without having read a line of Lavater, who, it is notorious, mistook a highwayman for a philosopher, and a philosopher for a highwayman. Tope's Homer's Iliad. In Pope's correspondence he says "When I had finished the first two or three books of my translation of the Iliad, Lord Halifax desired to have the pleasure of hearing them read at his house. Addison, Congreve, and Garth, were there at the reading. In four or five places his lordship stopped me very civilly, and with a speech each time, much of the same kind, ' I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope ; but there is something in that passage, that does not quite please me. Be so good as to mark the place, and consider it a little at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a little turn.' I returned from Lord Halifax's (continues Pope) with Dr. Garth, in his, chariot ; and as we were going along, was saying to the WIT, AND WISDOM. 293 Doctor, that my Lord had laid me under a good deal of difficulty by such loose and general observations ; that I had been thinking over the passages ever since, and could not guess at what it was that offended his lord- ship in either of them. Garth laughed heartily at my embarrassment ; and said, I had not been long enough acquainted with Lord Halifax to know his way yet ; that I need not puzzle myself about looking those places over and over, when I got home. ' All you need do,' says he, ' is to leave them just as they are ; call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind ob- servations on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event. 1 I followed his advice ; waited on Lord Halifax some time after ; said I hoped he would find his objections to those passages removed ; read them to him exactly as they were at first ; and his lordship was extremely pleased with them, and cried out, ' Aye, now they are perfectly right ; nothing can be better ! ' " Luxury and Misery harden the Mind. It was from the pavilion of pleasure and enjoyment that the fourteenth Louis sent out his orders for the devas- tation of the whole palatinate ; and it was from the bowl and the banquet, that Nero issued forth to fiddle to the flames of Rome ; and on the contrary, it was from the loathsome bed of a most foul and incurable disease, that Herod decreed the assassination of the Jewish nobility ; and Tippoo Saib ordered the murder of a corps of Christian slaves, the most cruel act of his cruel life, at a moment when he justly anticipated his own death, and the conflagration of his capital. 294 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, ^Anecdote of Montesquieu. M. de Montesquieu was disputing on a fact with a counsellor of the Parliament of Bordeaux, who was a man of talent, but rather violent : the latter, after many arguments urged with warmth, said, "Mr. President, if it is not as I say, I give you my head." " I accept it," replied Montesquieu coolly ; ' ' trifling presents preserve friendship." leather Sharp. " I live in my charmer's eyes," said a fop to Colman. " I don't wonder at it," replted George, " for I observed she had a stye in them when I saw her last." _/4 Just Monarch. L'Alviano, General of the Venetian armies, was taken prisoner by the troops of Louis XII. of France, and brought before him. The King treated him with his usual humanity and politeness, to which the indignant captive did not make the proper return, but behaved with great insolence. Louis contented himself with sending him to the quarters where the prisoners were kept, saying to his attendants, " I have done right to send Alviano away. I might have put myself in a passion with him, for which I should have been very sorry. I have con- quered him, I should learn to conquer myself. " Histrionic Blunder. An actor of no great pretension to excellence, in playing Richard the Third, having to use the expression, when King Henry's corpse crosses the stage, "Stand back and WIT, AND WISDOM. 29$ let the coffin pass," exclaimed with great emphasis,, ' ' Stand back and let the parson cough." The house was of course convulsed. iA Sbretud Astrologer. An astrologer having predicted the death of a woman with whom Louis XI. of France was in love, and which the chapter of accidents had been so kind as to verify, the Prince sent for him, and sternly told him, " You, sir, who foretell everything, pray when shall you die?" The astrologer coolly replied, " I shall die, sire, three days before your Majesty." This reply so alarmed the King, that he ordered him to be lodged in one of his palaces, and taken care of. Baxter and Judge Jefferies. When Baxter was on one occasion brought before Judge Jefferies, "Richard," said the Chief-Justice, "I see a rogue in thy face." " I did not know," replied Baxter, " that my face was a mirror." 'Passionate People. Plato, speaking of passionate persons, says, they are like men who stand on their heads, they see all things the wrong way. Changeable Weather. A gentleman visiting Glasgow for the first time, and falling in with very wet weather, inquired of a person in the street if it always rained in Glasgow. " Na," was the answer ; " it snaws sometimes." 296 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, Sir Tliomas More. Erasmus thus describes this great man : " More seems to be made and born for friendship, of which virtue he is a sincere follower and very strict observer. He is not afraid to be accused of having many friends, which, according to Hesiod, is no great praise. Every one may become More's friend ; he is not slow in choosing ; he is kind in cherishing ; and constant in keeping them. If by accident he becomes the friend of one whose vices he cannot correct, he slackens the reins of friendship towards him, diverting it rather by little and little, than by entirely dissolving it. Those persons whom he finds to be men of sincerity, and consonant to his own virtuous disposition, he is so charmed with, that he appears to place his chief worldly pleasure in their conversation and company. And although More is negligent in his own temporal concerns, yet no one is more assiduous than himself in assisting the suits of his friends. Why should I say more? If any person were desirous to have a perfect model of friendship, no one can afford him a better than More. In his conversation there is so much affability and sweetness of manner, that no man can be of so austere a disposition, but that More's conversation must make him cheerful ; and no matter so unpleasing, but that with his wit he can take away from it all disgust." *An Ingenious Painter. A gentleman having built a fine house, resolved to have the staircase adorned with a Scriptural subject, and chose the passage of the Red Sea by the Israelites. The painter who was employed painted the wall with red paint from top to bottom. When the painter had finished he called his employer to see the work. " Why," WIT, AND WISDOM. 297 said the gentleman, " where are the Israelites ? " " They are gone over," replied the painter. "But where are the Egyptians then ? " " The Egyptians, my lord ? why, they are drowned, to be sure." Jenny LiiicTs Debut. Mr Lumley, in his book on the Opera, thus describes the first appearance in England of the Swedish night- ingale : The brilliant appearance of the house inside was increased by the presence of the Queen and Prince Albert, the Queen Dowager and Duchess of Kent, who had all come to witness the dtbut of Jenny Lind. On the entrance of the new prima donna as Alice, the wel- come given to one who, though unknown, had already won renown, was unusually enthusiastic. For a few moments she appeared bewildered and "scared," but her self-possession returned. Her very first notes seemed to enthral the audience. The cadenza at the end of her opening air the whole of which was listened to with a stillness quite singular called down a hurricane of applause. From that moment her success was certain. The evening went on, and before it ended, Jenny Lind was established as the favourite of the English opera public. Voice, style, execution, manner, acting all delighted. The triumph was achieved. At the end of the performance, the Queen, who during the entire evening had repeatedly manifested her extreme satis- faction, expressed to me her admiration in a tone and manner that showed how deep an impression had been made upon her. " What a beautiful singer !" "What an actress!" " How charming !" " How delightful !" Those were the exclamations that fell from the lips of Her Majesty, whom I had never before seen thus moved to enthusiasm. K 2 298 THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, " The Early Bird finds UK Worm:' A father exhorting his son to rise early in the morning reminded him of the old adage "It's the early bird that picks up the worm." " Ah," replied the son, " but the worm gets up earlier than the bird." Colman and Loj-d Erskine. Colman dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex- Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then almost three thousand head of sheep. "I per- ceive," interrupted Colman, " that your lordship has still an eye to the -woolsack. " Hampden and Cromwell. John Hampden discovered the great talents of Oliver Cromwell through the veil which coarse manners and vulgar habits had thrown over them ; for Lord Derby in going down the stairs of the House of Commons with Mr. Hampden, observing Cromwell pass by them, said to Hampden, "Who is that sloven immediately before us ? He is on our side I see, by his speaking so warmly to-day." " That sloven, as you are pleased to call him, my lord," replied Hampden, " that sloven, I say, if we were to come to a breach with the King (which God forbid), will be the greatest man in England." ^Caster of his House. A traveller coming up to an inn, and seeing the host standing at the door, said, " Pray, are you the master of this house?" "Yes, sir," answered the landlord, " my wife has been dead these three weeks." WIT, AND WISDOM. 299 *A Saying of Pascal's. Pascal says : All men naturally hate each other. I am certain, that if they were to know accurately what they occasionally had said of one another, there would not be four persons in the world who could long preserve their friendship for each other. *A Four-Bottle Man. A gentleman sitting drinking alone, with three empty bottles, which had contained port wine, beside him, was asked: "Have you finished all that port without as- sistance?" " No," replied the wine-bibber, " I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira." Precedence. The late King of Prussia was told by one of his cour- tiers, that two ladies of high rank had a dispute about precedence, which was become so serious, that it was necessary for His Majesty to interfere. "Why then," said the King, " give the precedence to the greatest fool." c/4 Puritan Reproved. A Puritan preacher rebuked a young girl, who had just been making her hair into ringlets, " Ah," said he, "had God intended your locks to be curled, He would have curled them for you." "When I was an infant," replied the damsel, " He did ; but now I am grown up, He thinks I am able to do it myself." 3CO THE BOOK OF HUMOUR, ETC. Tlie Duke of Guise. The Duke was informed that a Protestant gentleman had come into his camp with an intention to assassinate him. He sent for him (who immediately avowed his intention), and the Duke asked him, whether his design arose from any offence he had ever given him, "Your Excellence never gave me any, I assure you," replied the gentleman; "my motive for desiring your life is, because you are the greatest enemy our religion ever knew." "Well, then, my friend," said the Duke to him, "if your religion incites you to assassinate me, my religion tells me to forgive you ; " and he sent him immediately out of his camp. Another person was once brought to the Duke, who had boasted that he would kill him. The Duke, looking at him very attentively, and observing his extremely embarrassed and sneaking countenance, said to his officers, shrugging up his shoulders, "That blockhead will never have the heart to kill me ; let him go ; it is not worth while to arrest him. " Colman a Courtier. One day at the table of George the Fourth, when Prince Regent, the royal host said, " Why, Colman, you are older than I am?" " Oh no, sir," replied Colman, " I could not take the liberty of coming into the world before your Royal Highness ! " INDEX. ABELARD and Eloisa, 276 Abernethy "floored," 58 Abernethy's prescription, 22 Absent man, the antiquarian and the, 233 Absent mind, an, 13 Actor, a bill-sticker turned, 36 Actor, melancholy, 286 Actor on trial, 216 Actor's cold, an, 181 Actor, Suett the, 59 Address, a hero's, to his men, 238 Address, a soldierly, 86 Advantage of learning, 148 Advantages of history, the, 21 Adversity, friendship cemented in, 273 Adversity, prepare for, 151 Adversity, prosperity and, 119 Advertisement, an, 39 Advertisement, a queer, 275 Advertisement, curious, 22, 199 Advice, a word of, 273 Advice to disputants, 73 Advice to orators, 119 Advice to the married, 147 Advocates, conscientious, 135 Affectation and hypocrisy, 178 Afflictions, providential, 272 A four-bottle man, 299 African ants, 78 A just monarch, 294 Alchemists, good conferred by the, 164 Almanac-rr/aker, the, and Dean Swift, 279 Alteration, a slight, 54 Ambassadress, a mot by an, 42 Ambition, 108 Ambition and avarice, 101 American bathos, 211 American deacon, an, 179 American eagle, the, 183 American innkeeper, an, 30 Americanism, an, 10, 62 American love story, an, 17 American railways, sleeping cars on, 85 American war, an incident in the, 50, 63 Amiable young lady, an, 47 An affectionate son, 271 Analysis, chemical, 38 An Arab's love for his horse, 283 Ancestors, Napoleon's, 133 Anecdote of Curran, 170 Anecdote of Dr. Parr, 197 302 Anecdote of Garrick, 237' Anecdote of George I., 173 Anecdote of King Charles II., 109 Anecdote of Lord Bacon, 248 Anecdote of Lord Byron, 77 Anecdote of Lord Eldon, 95 Anecdote of Lord Jeffrey, 40 Anecdote of Lord Lyndhurst, 207 Anecdote or Montesquieu, 294 Anecdote of Mrs. Coutts, 246 Anecdote of Raphael, 226 Anecdote of Sheridan, 105 Anecdotes of Dr. Whately, 290 Anecdotes of Napolpon, 113 Anecdotes of the Dublin stage of bygone times, 258 Anecdotes of Wewitzer, 286 Angels, singing, 266 Anger, 77, 194 An ingenious painter, 296 An Irishman's idea of hospi- tality, 174 Anne Boleyn at the block, 238 Antiquarian and the absent man, 233 Ants, African, 78 An unknown benefactor, 269 An unrehearsed stage effect, 9 Apology, a minister's, 104 Apology, a Yankee, 97 Apparel oft proclaims the man, 150 Appropriate toast, an, 52 A Puritan reproved, 299 Arcola, Napoleon at, 100 A reason for charity, 274 Are you answered ? 124 Aristippus and the cynic, 190 Arithmetic, Hibernian, 198 Ars celare artem, 132 A saying of Pascal's, 299 A shrewd astrologer, 295 Athanasian creed, singing the, 200 Athenians, love of truth with the, 155 Auction, a bid at an, 233 Auctioneer, a witty, 272 Author, an, not to be judged by his works, 237 Avarice, 103, 268 Avarice and ambition, 101 Avoid bad company, 84 Avoid defamation, 100 Avoid loquacity, 152 A wise goose, 273 Awkward objection, an, it A word of advice, 273 BACON, Lord, anecdote of, 248 Bad company, avoid, 84 Baird, Sir David's mother, 133 Bannister, Palmer and, 175 Barons, learned, 222 Barry's eloquence, 216 Bathos, American, 211 Battle of the Nile, 7 Battle of the Nivelle, 274 Baxter and Judge Jefferies, 295 Bear no malice, 145 Beau Brummell in exile, 255 Beau Nash and Dr. Cheyne, 193 Beau Nash and Quin, 241 Beauty of charity, 128 " Beggar's Opera," Gay's, 230 Benefactor, an unknown, 269 INDEX. 305 Best time for marriage, the, 15 Bible and the sword, the, 109 Bid at an auction, 233 Bill-sticker turned actor, 36 Birds and insects, 26 Birthplace of Newton, 32 Bishop, a witty, 135 Bishop's luggage, the, 120 Bitterness of distress, the, 58 Black nigger, a, 38 Blacksmith, Swift and the, 231 Blessing of a clear conscience, i5 Blessing of forgiveness, the, 10 Blunder, a Frenchman's, 280 Blunder, curious, 166 Blunder, histrionic, 294 Blunders, Englishmen's, 51 Boleyn, Anne, at the block, 238 Bonaparte and his landlady, 96 Bonaparte and his Mameluke, 102 Bonaparte as a litterateur, 118 Bonaparte as a schoolboy, 87 Bonaparte, religious opinions of, 242 Bonaparte, the latter days of, 8 Bonaparte's estimate of British sailors, 15 Bonaparte's marriage with Jose- phine, 116 Bonaparte's mother, 127 Bonaparte's opinion of Sir John Moore, 273 Botany Bay, theatricals at, 230 Boy, a sharp-witted, 219 Boy's rebuke, a, 177 Brave woman, a, 102 Brief sermon, a, 182 British sailors, Bonaparte's esti- mate of, 15 Bull, an Irish, 206 Bunyan's sarcasm, 84 Burnet, Judge, and his father, 213 Bushe, Solicitor-General in Ire- land, 291 Byron, Lord, 57 Byron, Lord, anecdote of, 77 Byron's, Lord, children, 186 Byron's, Lord, superstition, 165 CALAMITY, resignation under, 191 Calamity, uncertainty magni- fies, 272 Calendar, the Highland, 230 Campaigner, a luxurious, 38 Candid critic, 275 Candid judge, 112 Candid opinion, 22, 263 Candid preacher, 239 Candidate for matrimony, 204 Candles, Wewitzer's, 176 Candour and manners] 71 Caporal, le petit, 114 Cardinal Wolsey, 270 Carpenter, a polite, 54 Cart before the horse, the, 53 Catalaniand Jenny Lind, 249 Cause and effect, 168 Cautious Yankee, a, 81 Chamberlain, the Lord, and " Robert the Devil," 203 Chance hit, 218 Changeable weather, 295 Change, a sharp remark on, 139 304 INDEX. Change of opinions in mid life, 214 Charge, the last, at Waterloo, 83 Charity, a lawyer's, 49 Charity, a reason for, 274 Charity, beauty of, 128 Charity, posthumous, 267 Charles Lamb, Wordsworth and, 244 Charles VII. of France, 289. Charles XII. at Narva, 167 Charm of good temper, 166 Charm of wedlock, 171 Charms, music hath, 70 Charms of virtue, the, 95 Cheese, where it should be cut, 101 Chemical analysis, 38 Chemical diatribes, 36 Cherry and the manager, 238 Cheyne, Dr., and Beau Nash, 193 Children, education of, 32 Children, Lord Byron's, 186 Chinese, the, and dead lan- guages, 189 Choice, a lady's, 76 Choice of companions, 70 Choice of friends, 70, 153 Choice wind, a, 27 Christian pilgrimage, 240 Church, a reason for not attend- ing, 12 Church, intended for the, 281 Clare, Lord, and his dog, 283 Classical quotation by Ingolds- t>y> 34 Clear conscience, blessing of a, 105 Clergyman and his prompter, 138 Clergyman, an eloquent, 206 Clergyman, a philosophic, 263 Coach, a slow, 224 Coat to his back, hardly a, 33 Cobbett's courtship, 44 Cockle sauce, 199 Cockney printer, a, 93 Cold, an actor's, 181 Colman a courtier, 300 Colman and Lord Erskine, 298 Colonel Kelly and his blacking, 60 Comforter, death the, 156 Companions, choice of, 70 Compassion not due to tyrants, 290 _ Compliment, a, 257 Compliment, a flattering, 215 Compliment, a left-handed, 29 Conditional prayer, a, 35 Confront danger with prudence, 248 Congregation, a small, 217 Conjugal differences, 207 Conscience, blessing of a clear, 105 . Conscience, prodigality and an evil, 142 Conscience, the voice of, 162 Conscientious advocates, 135 Contentment, 213 Contentment insures happiness, 138 Contentment, value of, 90 Conundrum, a, 61 Conversion, a wrong, 263 Cooke, George Frederick, 261 INDEX. 305 Cooke and Kemble, 87 Cooke the tragedian, 168 Cork, drawings of, 287 Correspondence, laconic, 155 Costume, importance of, 136 Councilman, Wilkes and the, 257 Counsel, a Yankee, 100 Courage, true and false, 266 Courageous nigger, a, 150 " Court, an echo in, n Court favour, uncertainty of, 169 Courtship, Cobbett's, 44 Coutts, anecdote of Mrs., 246 Coxcomb reproved, 200 Credit, requiring long, 212 Critic, a candid, 275 Critic's eye, 226 Cromwell and Hampden, 298 Crooked traveller, 251 Cumberland and Sheridan, 160 Cunning Irishman, a, 85 Curious advertisement, 22, 199 Curious blunder, 166 Curious fact, 72 Curious loan, a, 77 Curious notion of heaven, 263 Curious sepulture, 22 Curious weather, in Curran, anecdote of, 170 Custom, an Egyptian, 88 " Cute " Yankee, a, 73 Cynic, Aristippus and the, 190 DAMP joke, a, 104 Danger, confront with pru- dence, 248 Danger of prosperity, 173 Deacon, an American, 179 Dean of Oxford and under- graduates, 193 Dead languages, the Chinese and, 189 Dead shot, a, 258 Death a leveller, 55 Death, in the midst of life we are in, 26 Death, life and, 155 Death, love after, 232 Death Should it be feared ? 32 Death the comforter, 156 Deathbed repentance, 128 Debt, an Irish, 60 Defamation, avoid, TOO Definition of a soldier, 33 Definition of eternity, 214 Definition of humbug, 174 Definition of wealth, 149 Definition of wit, 150 Desire for long life, 143 Desire to excel, the, 81 Despatch, hurry and, 278 Despatch that never came, the, 144 Differences, conjugal, 207 Difficulty, meeting a, 101 Difficulties, a manager's, 245, 281 Diner out, 255 Dinner, a literary, 132 Dinner, an early, 224 Dinner, grace after, 269 Diplomatists and music, 184 Discords, operatic, 201 Disputants, advice to, 73 Dissimulation, 126 Distress, the bitterness of, 58 506 IXDEX. Divine, a witty, 241 Division of labour, 37 Doctor and his patients, the, 190 Doctor, an unclean, 176 Doctors' Commons wit, 187 Doctor, sharp for the, 149 Doctor's epitaph, a, 16 Doctors, the, and Rabelais, 161 Domestic, a Scottish, 122 Domestic life, woman in, 156 Don't meet sorrow halfway, 147 Door-scraper, a, 70 Double fare, a, 146 Doubtful match, a, 195 Doubt the threshold of wisdom, 271^ Drawings of Cork, 287 Dreams go by contrary, 250 Drowsy preacher, 237 Drunkard, a reformed, 232 Drunkenness, 152 Drunkenness, evil of, 142 Dryden's wit, 225 Dublin stage anecdotes of by- gone times, 258 Duel, a soldier's excuse for de- clining a, 46 Duel, hand-shaking at a, 283 Duellist, a, 58 Duke Pasquier and Napoleon, 219 Duprez, the vocalist, 65 Dum vivimus vivamus, 282 Duration of life, 99 Duties of an instructor, 162 Duty of man, the, in EAGLE, the American, 183 Early bird finds the worm, 298 Early dinner, 224 Echo in court, an, n Editor, a sharp, 160 Editor overcome, an, 42 Education, 75 Education a claim for obedience, 274 Education, importance of, 142 Education of children, 32 Effect, cause and, 168 Egyptian custom, an, 88 Elements of success, the, 107 Elephant and his trunk, 175 Eloisa and Abelard, 276 Eloquence and rhetoric, 286 Eloquence, Barry's, 216 Eloquent clergyman, an, 206 Emigrants, hints to, 159 Emphasis, the right, 20 End of a wise man's life, 234 Endurable hatred, 182 Endurance of a good name, 94 Enemies, love your, 174 England, happiness and free- dom in, 129 English Guards at Waterloo, the, 28 Englishmen's blunders, 51 Envy, 168 Epitaph, a doctor's, 16 Epitaph, a gambler's, 7 Epitaphs regardless of gram- mar, 214 Equity and law, 281 Eternity, definition of, 214 Eulogium on Pitt, 210 Evil and good inseparable, 69 Evil of drunkenness, 142 Evil speaking, 21 INDEX. 307 Evils of gaming, 61 Evils of pride, 149 Evils of war, 61 Ex nihilo nihil fit, 34 Example, the force of, 171 Executioner, a witty, 170 Exile, Beau Brummell in, 255 Experience and hope, 118 Explanation, an ungallant, 194 Extemporaneous pun, an, 232 Eye, a critic's, 226 Eye, a piercing, 10 FAITH and works, 146 Falsehood, truth and, 198 Fame, 66 Fare, double, 146 Fascination, Rubini's, 229 Fashions, modern, 25 Favourites, fortune's, 244, Favours, granting and refusing, 195 Fever, how to get a, 105 Fishes, food for, 202 Fishing in Scotch lakes, 43 Flattering compliment, 215 Flattery, how women are duped by, 1 80 Flattery, sincere, 182 Flowery sermon, 73 Folly of scepticism, 138 Fontenelle, a reply of, 196 Fontenelle and the asparagus, 238 Food for fishes, 202 Force of example, the, 171 Forgiveness, the blessing of, 10 Forgiveness, the glory of, 160 Fortune's favourites, 244 Four-bottle man, a, 299 Fox and his namesake, 265 Franklin's notion of saying grace, 191 Frederick the Great and the monks, 251 French actress Rachel, the, 185 Frenchman's blunder, a, 280 Friend, how to use a, no Friend, the value of a true, 64 Friends, choice of, 70, 153 Friends, worldly, 149 Friendship, 172 Friendship cemented in ad- versity, 273 Friendship, the value of, 162 Froth, Yankee, 158 Funerals, the vanity of grand, ii Future, the, 27 Future, writing for the, 66 GALLERY, hint from the, 159 Gambler, infatuation of the, 139, Gambler's epitaph, a, 7 Gambler's loss, a, 79 Gambling, 40 Gaming, evils of, 61 Garment, a student's, 197 Garrick, anecdote of, 237 Garrick, lines by, 229 Garrulous lady, a, 143 Garrulous, a hint to the, 276 Gay's " Beggar's Opera," 230 General, qualifications of a, 221 General Wolfe, 59 General Wolfe, George II. and, 167 308 INDEX. Genius, 172 George Frederick Cooke, 261 George I., anecdote of, 173 George II. and General Wolfe, 167 Gerunds, the Latin, 72 Glory of forgiveness, the, 160 Glory, pursuit of, 92 God, the love of, 47 Gold and iron, 269 Good actions, motives to, 234 Good and great men, scarcity of, 119 Good conferred by the alche- mists, 164 Good, evil and, inseparable, Good name, endurance of a, 94 Good temper, charm of, 166 Good translation, a, 188 Goodall's, a joke of Dr., 54 Goose, a wise, 273 Gout, how to cure the, 261 Grace after dinner, 269 Grace, Franklin's notion of say- ing, 191 Grammar, epitaphs regardless of, 214 Grand funerals, the vanity of, n Granting and refusing favours, !95 Greatness, the modesty of, 56 Grimaldi of fashionable life, the, 46 Groundless report, 203 Guillotine, invention of the, 112 Guise, the Duke of, 300 HABITS, vicious, 99 Hampden and Cromwell, 298 Hand-shaking at a duel, 283 Happiness, 41 Happiness and freedom in Eng- land, 129 Happiness, contentment insures, 138 Hard upon the lawyers, 195 Hardly a coat to his back, 33 Harmless soldier, a, 176 Hatred, endurable, 182 Headache, proof against, 51 Health and long life, 107 Health and wealth, 186 Heaven, a curious notion of, 263 Help the helpless, 64 Henry VIII. and Sir T. More, 185 Heroic reply, a, 158 Heroism, Algernon Sydney's, 266 Heroism in humble life, 117 Heroism of patience, the, 161 Hero's, a, address to his men, 238 Hibernian arithmetic, 198 Hibernian wit, 248 Highland calendar, 250 Highland notion of tooth- brushes, 178 Hill, Rowland, 23 Hint from the gallery, a, 159 Hint to the garrulous, 276 Hint to the tailors, a, 175 Hints to emigrants, 159 History, the advantages of, 21 Histrionic blunder, 294 Hit for the tailors, 222 Hope, 151 Hope, experience and, 118 INDEX. 309 Horse, an Arab's love for his, 283 Horse, an Irish, 68 Horse, the cart before the, 53 Hospitality, an Irishman's idea of, 174 How Dr. Johnson wooed, 33 How singers are paid, 50 How to bear the ills of life, 115 How to converse, 159 How to cultivate memory, 158 How to cure the gout, 261 How to get a fever, 109 How to go mad, 217 How to go to law, 196 How to live long, 213 How to sell cheaply, 191 How to sweat a patient, 257 How to use a friend, no How women are duped by flattery, 180 Humble life, heroism in, 117 Humbug, definition of, 174 Humorous inscription, a, 239 Hurry and despatch, 278 Husband, a thoughtful, 240 Husbands, men of sense the best, 156 Hypocrisy, affectation and, 178 Hypocrites, 71 IDIOT'S shrewdness, an, 134 Idleness, the power of, 184 Ill-constructed sentences, 279 Ills of life, how to bear the, 115 Imbeciles, the shrewdness of, 125 Imperial Rome, papal and, 137 Importance of costume, 136 Importance of education, 142' Importance of knowledge, 89 Importance of marriage, 239 Importance of perfection, 123 Importance of punctuality, 200 Impracticable witness, an, 171 Improvidence, reflections on, 268 Incident in the life of a soldier, 117 Incident of the American war, So Incledon, Suett and, 173 Inconsistency of man, no Independent sailor, an, no Industry ennobles, 112 Infatuation of the gambler, 139 Influence, moral, 68 Influence of music, 282 Ingenious retort, an, 129 Ingenuous reply, an, 53 Ingoldsby, classical quotation by, 34 Innkeeper, an American, 30 Innocent reply, an, 123 Inquisitiveness, 149 Inscription, a humorous, 239 Inscription for a tobacco-box, 265 Insects, birds and, 26 Instructor, duties of an, 162 Intelligent Lord Mayor, an, 76 Intended for the Church, 281 In the midst of life we are in death, 26 Invention of the guillotine, 112 Ireland, Moore's estimate of, 170 " Irene," Dr. Johnson's, 288 Irish bull, an, 206 Irish debt, an, 60 INDEX. Irish horse, an, 68 Irishman, a cunning, 85 Irishman, an, and his lawyer, 168 Irishman, a purblind, 258 Irishman, a shrewd, 62 Irishman's idea of hospitality, 174 Irishman's idea of posthumous works, 186 Irishman's letter, an, 156 Irishman's pity, an, 242 Irishman's telescope, 202 Irish on and off the stage, 78 Irish wit, 75, 79 Iron and gold, 269 JACK REEVE and his razors, 207 James II. and Milton, 193 Jealousy, love and, 114 Jeffrey, Lord, anecdote of, 40 Jenny Lind and Catalan!, 249 Jenr.y Lind's debut, 297 Johnson, Dr., and his publisher, 162 Johnson, Dr., how he wooed, 33 Johnson, Dr., on punning, 43 Johnson's, Dr., Irene, 288 Johnson's, Dr., reflections on Ranelagh, 52 Joke, a damp, 104 Joke, an old, refaced, 14 Joke, an operatic, 223 Joke, a pulpit, 183 Joke of Dr. Goodall's, a, 54 Josephine, Bonaparte's marriage with, 116 Journey of life, the, 48 Judge, a candid, 112 Judge and the king, 207 Judge, a wise, 234 Judge Burnet and his father, 213 Judge Jefferies and Baxter, 295 KELLY, Colonel, and his black- ing, 60 Kemble, Cooke and, 87 Kew, the road to, 16 King and the judge, 207 King Charles II., anecdote of, 109 King outwitted, a, 74 Kingly magnanimity, 242 King's magnanimity, a, 178 Knowledge, importance of, 89 Knowledge, obtain, 66 Knowledge of men and the world, 94 Knowledge, pursuit of, under difficulties, 55 Knowledge, wit without, 227 LABOUR, division of, 37 Labour, productive, 236 Laconic correspondence, 155 Lady, a garrulous, 143 Lady's choice, a, 76 Lady's wit, 197 Landseer, Sydney Smith and, 2 55 Last days of Malibran, 153 Last days of Turner the painter, 287 Last hours of Bonaparte, the, 82 Latin gerunds, the, 72 Latin, the power of, 187 Latter days of Bonaparte, the, 8 INDEX. Laugh and grow fat, 91 Law and equity, 281 Law and the sword, the, 125 Law, how to go to, 196 Lawyer,an Irishman and his, 168 Lawyers, a rap for the, 176 Lawyer's charity, a, 49 Lawyers, hard upon the, 195 Lawyer's reply, a, 181 Lawyers, Swift and the, 215 Learned barons, 222 Learned provost, a, 172 Learning, advantage of, 148 Left-handed compliment, a, 29 Legal quacks, medical and, 116 Leonidas at Thermopylae, 147 Le petit Caporal, 114 Lely the painter, 62 Letter-writing, 45 Letter, an Irishman's, 156 Letters, the republic of, 34 Life and death, 155 Life, duration of, 99 Life, how to bear the ills of, 115 Life, in the midst of, we are in death, 26 Life of a soldier, incident in the, . II? Life, the journey of, 48 Life, vanity of, 134 Lines by Garrick, 229 Lines on the letter H, 235 Literary dinner, a, 132 Literature, value of, 139 Litterateur, Bonaparte as a, 118 Livelihood, a means of, 49 Living under the bye-laws, 46 Loaf, a small, 264 Loan, a curious, 77 Long life, desire for, 143 Long life, health and, 107 Loquacity, avoid, 152 Lord Byron's children, 186 Lord Eldon, anecdote of, 95 Lord Erskine and Colman, 298 Lord Lonsdale's Nine Pins, 284 Lord Mayor, an intelligent, 76 Lord Norbury as a judge, 71 Loss, a gambler's, 79 Lost time, making up for, 252 Louis the Twelfth, 89 Love and jealousy, 114 Love after death, 232 Love of God, the, 47 Love of truth with the Athen- ians, 155 Love story, an American, 17 Love, universal, 88 Love your enemies, 174 Lowe, Sir Hudson, Napoleon's hatred of, 35 Luggage, the bishop's, 120 Lunatic, a sensible, 244 Luther, Martin, 275 Luxurious campaigner, a, 38 Luxury and misery harden the mind, 293 Luxury of being rich, the, 177 Lyndhurst, Lord, anecdote of, 207 MACKLIN'S last appearance, 105 M'Gregors, the origin of the, 212 Mad, how to go, 217 Madame Sontag, 188 Mademoiselle Piccolomini, 262 . Magnanimity, kingly, 242 312 INDEX. Magnanimity, a king's, 178 Making up for lost time, 252 Malibran, the last days of, 153 Malice, bear no, 140 Mameluke, Bonaparte and his, 1 02 Man, inconsistency of, no Man, the duty of, in Manager and Cherry, 258 Manager, difficulties of a, 245, 281 Manners, candour and, 71 Marriage, importance of, 239 Marriage, the best time for, 15 Married, advice to the, 147 Married state, the, 57 Master of his house, 298 Master, which is the, 56 Match, a doubtful, 195 Matches, where they are made, 174 Matrimony, a candidate for, 204 Matter-of-fact preacher, a, 137 Means of livelihood, a, 49 Medical and legal quacks, 116 Meeting a difficulty, 101 Melancholy actor, 286 Memory, a test of, 38 Memory, how to cultivate, 158 Men and the world, knowledge of, 94 Men and women, talking, 21 Men, good and great, scarcity of, 119 Men of sense the best husbands, 156 Mental pleasures, 224 Mercy, power and, 76 Mid-life, change of opinions in, 214 Milton, James II. and, 193 Milton and his wife, 137 Mind, an absent, 13 Minister, a thankful, 75 Minister, the sick, 37 Minister's apology, a, 104 Mirth, 43 Misapprehension, a slight, 148 Misdeal, a, 65 Misery, luxury and, harden th mind, 293 Mistake, a slight, 72 Model servant, a, 153 Modern fashions, 25 Modesty, 215 Modesty of greatness, the, 56 Monarch, a just, 294 Monarchs, a text for, 123 Monkey, shaving a, 91 Monks, the, and Frederick the Great, 251 Montesquieu, anecdote of, 294 Moore, Sir John, Bonaparte's opinion of, 273 Moore's estimate of Ireland, 170 Moral influence, 68 Mordaunt, Lord, and the can- ary, 288 More, Sir T., Henry VIII. and, 185 More, Sir Thomas, 296 Mot, by an ambassadress, a, 42 Mother, Bonaparte's, 127 Motives to good actions, 234 Motto, a suggestion for a, 235 Motto, a tailor's, 74 Motto, the tobacconist's, 198 INDEX. 515 Mountford, Mrs., last appear- ance on the stage, 208 Music, diplomatists and, 184 Music, influence of, 282 Music hath charms, 70 Mutton, a saddle of, 221 Mutual remembrance, 272 NAME, what's in a? 9, 194 Napoleon and Duke Pasquier, 219 Napoleon and the soldier, 93 Napoleon, anecdotes of, 113 Napoleon at Arcola, 100 Napoleon, the last hours of, 82 Napoleon's ancestors, 133 Napoleon's hatred of Sir Hud- son Lowe, 35 Napoleon's indifference to ortho- graphy, 42 Napoleon's love for his soldiers, 3i Napoleon's mode of living at St. Helena, 55 Napoleon's presence of mind, in Narrow-minded people, 148 Narva, Charles XII. at, 167 Nassau Senior, and Richard Whately, 209 National peculiarities, 240 Nature, the subtleties of, 247 Negro, a philosophic, 217 Nelson on the navy, 97 Newton, birthplace of, 32 Nice method of raising the wind, 81 Nigger, a black, 38 Nigger, a courageous, 150 Nile, the battle of the, 7 Nivelle, battle of the, 274 Noble-mindedness, 108 Norbury, Lord, as a judge, 71 Not in haste, 76 Not time enough, 42 Notions, Yankee, 51 Novel sleeping-berth, 69 OBEDIENCE, education a claim for, 274 Objection, an awkward, n Obtain knowledge, 66 Old joke refaced, an, 14 Old stories over again, 208 Only a mistake of a letter, 13 Opera-house riot, an, 205 Operatic discords, 201 Operatic joke, an, 223 Opinion, a candid, 22, 263 Orators, advice to, 119 Origin of "The Devil's Own," 107 Origin of the M'Gregors, 212 Origin of the term Roundhead, 224 Origin of the term "spinster," 151 Original paper, an, 243 Orthography, Napoleon's in- difference to, 48 Outside place at a theatre, 211 PAINTER, an ingenious, 296 Palmer and Bannister, 175 Palmer's claret, 67 Papal and Imperial Rome, 137 Paradox, a, 165 Parenthesis in prayer, 10 IXDEX. Parish-clerk, Swift and his, 222 Parr, anecdote of Dr., 197 Parson, a witty, 195 Pascal, a saying of, 299 Passion, the ruling, 278 Passionate people, 295 Passions, our, 85 Patience, 232 Patience, the heroism of, 161 Patient, how to sweat a, 257 Patients, the doctor and his, 190 Pause before you are angry, 80 Paying, the pleasure of, 34 Peculiarities, national, 240 Pedantry and pedants, 163 Pen, power of the, 152 Penalty of youthful excess, 94 Perfection, importance of, 123 Periods of life, their character- istics, 163 Philosopher, a true, 243 Philosopher's reproof, a, 115 Philosophic clergyman, 263 Philosophic negro, 217 Phrenology at fault, 39 Physic, throw to the dogs, 130 Physiognomy, 292 Piccolomini and her mother, 267 Piercing eye, a, 10 Pilgrimage, the Christian, 2.40 Pitt and the volunteers, 124 Pitt, eulogium on, 210 Pitt, recollections of the Duke of Wellington of, 130 Pitt's travels, 87 Pity, an Irishman's, 242 Plain speaking, no Play, value of a, 252 Pleasure and duty, woman's, 128 Pleasure of paying, the, 34 Pleasure, restraint on, 61 Pleasures, mental, 224 Poetry, wooing in, 180 Poets and their works, 98 Polite carpenter, a, 54 Polite soldier, a, 115 Pope outdone, 203 Pope's Homer's Iliad, 292 Posthumous charity, 267 Posthumous works, Irishman's idea of, 186 Poverty, 27 Poverty and riches, 197 Power and mercy, 76 Power, its value, 98 Power of idleness, the, 184 Power of Latin, 187 Power of the pen, 152 Power of the press, 284 Power, thirst for, 95 Prayer, a conditional, 35 Prayer, a sailor's, 78 Prayer, parenthesis in, 10 Preacher, a candid, 239 Preacher, a drowsy, 237 Preacher, a matter-of-fact, 137 Precedence, 299 Preceptor, qualifications of a, 246 Precocity, Sheridan's, 170 Prepare for adversity, 151 Prescription, Abernethy's, 22 Presence of mind, Napoleon's, in Pride, 62, 176 Pride checked, 201 Pride, evils of, 149 Priesthood, toleration of the, 120 INDEX. 315 Priestly pride, 127 Printer, a Cockney, 93 Prodigality and an evil con- science, 142 Productive labour, 236 Proof against headache, 51 Prophet, a true, 156 Prosperity and adversity, 119 Prosperity, danger of, 173 Proverb altered, a, 161 Providential afflictions, 272 Provost, a learned, 172 Public men, qualifications of, 225 Pulpit joke, a, 183 Pun, a royal, 88 Pun, an extemporaneous, 232 Punctuality, importance of, 200 Punning, Dr. Johnson on, 43 Purblind Irishman, a, 258 Pupil, a sharp, 169 Pursuit of glory, 92 Pursuit of knowledge under difficulties, 55 Pursuit of wealth, 151 QUACKS, medical and legal, 116 Quaker outwitted, 212 Quaker's wit, a, 187 Qualifications, a wife's, 164 Qualifications of a general, 221 Qualifications of a preceptor, 246 Qualifications of public men, 225 Queer advertisement, 275 Query, a Scotch, 68 Query answered, a, 261 Quick shaving Col. Ellison, 140 Quid pro quo, 23 Quin and Beau Nash, 241 RABELAIS and the doctors, 161 Rachel, the French actress, 185 Raising the wind, a nice method of, 8 1 Ranelagh, Dr. Johnson's reflec- tions on, 52 Rap for the lawyers, a, 176 Raphael, anecdote of, 226 Rather sharp, 294 Rather too fast, 40, 271 Razors, Jack Reeve and his, 207 Reading, thoughts on, 31 Ready wit, an Irishman's, 161 Reason, a, for not attending church, 12 Reason for charity, 274 Rebuff, a sharp, 264 Rebuke, a boy's, 177 Reflections on improvidence, 268 Reformed drunkard, 232 Regular man, a, 53 Rejoinder, a sharp, 142 Religious opinions of Bonaparte, 242 Remark, a sharp, on 'Change, 139 Remembrance, mutual, 272 Reminder, a, 152 Repartee, 129 Repentance, deathbed, 228 Reply, a heroic, 158 Reply, an ingenuous, 53 Reply, an innocent, 123 Reply, an ungallant, 96 Reply, a lawyer's, 181 3 i6 INDEX. Reply, a smart, 173 Reply, a witty, 52 Reply of Fontenelle's, a, 196 Reply to a wife-hunter, 194 Report, a groundless, 203 Reproof, a philosopher's, 115 Republic of Letters, the, 34 Reputation, value of, 155 Requiring long credit, 212 Resignation under calamity, 191 Restraint on pleasure, 61 Retort, an ingenious, 129 Returning a visit, 196 Reveller, a witty, 65 Revenge, 199 Rhetoric, eloquence and, 286 Rich, the luxury of being, 177 Riches, poverty and, 197 Riches, vanity of, 143 Right emphasis, the, 20 Riot, an opera-house, 205 Road to Kew, the, 16 " Robert the Devil " and the Lord Chamberlain, 203 Rome, Papal and Imperial, 137 Roundhead, origin of the term, 214 Rowland Hill, 23 Royal pun, a, 88 Rubini's fascination, 229 Ruling passion, the, 278 SADDLE of mutton, 211 Sailor, an independent, no Sailor's prayer, a, 78 Sailors, Whitfield and the, 23 Salmon versus Sermon, 20 Sarcasm, Bunyan's, 84 Satire, 222 Sauce, cockle, 199 " Savant " in the witness-box, 24 Scaffold, wisdom at the, 171 Scarcity of good and great men, "9 Scepticism, folly of, 138 Schoolboy, Bonaparte as a, 87 Schoolboy catechised, a, 150 Schoolboy's wit, a, 86 Scotch lakes, fishing in, 43 Scotch query, a, 68 Scotchman's tenacity, 246 Scottish domestic, a, 122 Scriblerus Club, Swift and the, 227 Seeing through him, 27 Self-command, 134 Selwyn and his horse, 102 Sensible lunatic, 244 Sentences ill-constructed, 279 Sentry, a witty, 41 Sepulture, curious, 22 Sermon, a brief, 182 Sermon, a flowery, 73 Servant, a model, 133 Servants, 148 Servants in the olden time, 12 Shakespeare the greatest poet, 136 Sharp editor, a, 160 Sharp enough already, 98 Sharp for the doctor, 149 Sharp pupil, 169 Sharp rebuff, a, 264 Sharp rejoinder, 142 Sharp witness, a, 205 Sharpness, Yankee, 133 Sharp-witted boy, 219 Shaving a monkey, 91 INDEX. 317 Sheridan and Cumberland, 160 Sheridan, anecdote of, 105 Sheridan at a Westminster election, 30 Sheridan's precocity, 170 Shot, a dead, 258 Shrewd Irishman, a, 62 Shrewdness, an idiot's, 134 Shrewdness of imbeciles, the, 125 Sick minister, the, 37 Sincere flattery, 182 Sincerity, 89 Singers, how they are paid, 50 Singing angels, 266 Singing the Athanasian Creed, 200 Sir David Baird's mother, 133 Sir Gerald Massey and the pugilist, 253 Sir Thomas More, 296 Sleep, 21 Sleeping beauty, the, 73 Sleeping cars on American rail- ways, 85 Sleeping-berth, a novel, 69 Slight alteration, a, 54 Slight misapprehension, 148 Slight mistake, a, 72 Slip of the tongue, 252 Slow coach, 224 Small congregation, 217 Small loaf, a, 264 Smart reply, a, 173 Snuff story, a tough, 18 Soldier, a harmless, 176 Soldier, a polite, 115 Soldier, a witty,'i88 Soldier, definition of a, 33 Soldier, incident in the life of a, 117 Soldierly address, a, 86 Soldier's excuse for declining a. duel, 46 Soldiers, Napoleon's love for his, 31 Solitude, 37 Solon the lawgiver, 151 Somewhat embarrassing, 179 Son, an affectionate, 271 Sontag, Madame, 188 " Spinster," origin of the term, 151 Sorrow, don't meet half way, 147 Stage effect, an unrehearsed, 9 Stage, Irish on and off the, 78 Stage, last appearance on the, of Mrs. Mountford, 208 Stakeholder, a Yankee, 53 St. Helena, Napoleon's mode of living at, 55 Still waters run deep, 231 Stories, old, over again, 208 Student, the good he confers, i53 Student's garment, 197 Sublimity, Yankee, 101 Subtleties of nature, 247 Success, the elements of, 107 Suett and Incledon, 173 Suett the actor, 59 Suggestion, a, 282 Suggestion, a shrewd, 77 Suggestion for a motto, 235 Suggestions to the newly mar- ried, 1 66 Suicide, 241 3 i8 INDEX. Superstition, Lord Byron's, 165 Swift and his barber, 64 Swift and the blacksmith, 231 Swift and the lawyers, 215 Swift and his parish clerk, 222 Swift and the Scriblerus Club, 227 Swift, Dean, and the almanac- maker, 279 Swift's enigma upon the vowels, 264 Swift's first interview with Van- essa, 234 Sword, law and the, 125 Sword, the, and the Bible, 109 Sydney's, Algernon, heroism, 266 Sydney Smith, go Sydney Smith and Landseer, 255 TAILOR'S motto, 74 Tailors, a hint to the, 175 Tailors, a hint for the, 222 Talking men and women, 21 Telescope, an Irishman's, 202 Temperance, 142 Tenacity, a Scotchman's, 246 Test of memory, a, 38 Text for monarchs, a, 123 Thankful minister, a, 75 The apparel oft proclaims the man, 150 The desire to excel, 81 "The Devil's Own," origin of, 107 The Duke of Guise, 300 The early bird finds the worm, 298 The manager and the conductor, 284 The other side, 121 Theatre, outside place at a, 211 Theatricals at Botany Bay, 230 Thermopylae, Leonidas at, 147 Thirst for power, 95 Thoughtful husband, 240 1'houghts on reading, 31 Throw physic to the dogs, 130 Toast, an appropriate, 52 Tobacco-box, inscription for a, 265 Tobacconist's motto, 198 Toleration of the priesthood, 120 Tongue, a slip of the, 252 Too much at once, 30 Tooth-brushes, Highland notion of, 178 Tough snuff story, a, 18 Translation, a good, 188 Translation accommodated, the, 167 Travel talk, 14 Traveller, a crooked, 251 Traveller outdone, the, n True and false courage, 266 True friend, the value of a, 64 True philosopher, 243 True prophet, a, 156 Truth, 76 Truth and falsehood, 198 Turner the painter, last days of, 287 Tyrants, compassion not due to, 290 INDEX. 3 T 9 UNCERTAINTY magnifies cala- mity, 272 Uncertainty of Court favour, 169 Unclean doctor, an, 170 Undergraduates and a Dean of Oxford, 193 Ungallant explanation, 194 Ungallant reply, an, 96 Universal love, 88 Unknown benefactor, an, 269 VALUE of a play, 232 Value of a true friend, 64 Value of contentment, 90 Value of friendship, the, 162 Value of literature, 139 Value of reputation, 155 Value of wisdom, the, i6t Vanessa, Swift's first interview with, 234 Vanity of grand funerals, the, ii Vanity of life, 134 Vanity of riches, 143 Vicious habits, 99 Virtue, 98 Virtue and vice, 233 Virtue, the charms of, 95 Visit, returning a, 196 Voice of conscience, the, 162 Volunteers, Pitt and the, 124 Vowels, Swift's enigma upon the, 264 Vox populi, 271 WAR, an incident of the Ameri can, 50 War, an incident in the Ameri- can, 63 Var, evils of, 61 Vaterloo, English Guards at, 28 Vaterloo, the last charge at, 83 Wealth, definition of, 149 Wealth, health and, 186 Wealth, pursuit of, 151 Weather, changeable, 293 Weather, curious, in Wedlock, 29 Wedlock, charm of, 171 Wellington, Duke of, recollec- tions of Pitt, 130 Westminster election, Sheridan at a, 30 Wewitzer, anecdotes of, 286 Wewitzer's candles, 176 What's in a name ? 9, 194 Whately, Dr., anecdotes of, 290 Whately, Richard, and Nassau Senior, 209 Where a cheese should be cut : 101 Where matches are made, 174 Which is the master ? 56 Whitfield and the sailors, 23 Who began it ? 120 Wife, a woman for a, 16 Wife's qualifications, a, 164 Wife-hunter, reply to a, 194 Wilkes and the councilman, 257 Wilson the vocalist, 89 Wind, a choice, 27 Wind, a nice method of raising the, 8 1 Wisdom at the scaffold, 171 Wisdom, doubt the threshold of, 271 320 INDEX. Wisdom, the value of, 161 Wise judge, 234 Wise man's life, end of a, 234 Wit, a lady's, 197 Wit, a. Quaker's, 187 Wit, a schoolboy's, 86 Wit, definition of, 150 Wit, Doctors' Commons, 187 Wit, Dryden's, 225 Wit, Hibernian, 248 Wit, Irish, 75, 79 Wit, its characteristics, 92 Wit without knowledge, 227 Wit, woman's, 128 Witness, a sharp, 205 Witness, an impracticable, 171 Witty auctioneer, 272 Witty bishop, a, 135 Witty divine, 241 Witty executioner, a, 170 Witty parson, a, 195 Witty reply, a, 52 Witty reveller, a, 65 Witty sentry, a, 41 Witty soldier, a, 188 Wolfe, General, 59 Wolfe, General, George II. and, 167 Wolsey, Cardinal, 270 Woman, a brave, 102 Woman for a wife, a, 16 Woman in domestic life, 156 Woman's pleasure and duty, 128 Woman's wit, 128 Women, how they are duped by flattery, 180 Wooing in poetry, 180 Wordsworth and Charles Lamb, 244 Works, faith and, 146 Worldly friends, 149 Writing for the future, 66 Wrong conversion, a, 263 YANKEE, a cautious, 81 Yankee, a "cute, "73 Yankee apology, a, 97 Yankee counsel, a, 100 Yankee froth, 158 Yankee general "Scotched," 181 Yankee notions, 51 Yankee sharpness, 153 Yankee stake-holder, a, 53 Yankee sublimity, 101 Young lady, an amiable, 47 Youthful excess, penalty of, 94 BALLAXTYNE PRESS : EDINBURGH AND LONDON. ilifii 001358876 9 -