' BANCROFT LIBRARY THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive in 2007 witin funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation littp://www.arcliive.org/details/artemuswardliisboOOwardricli ARTEMUS WARD, " ei I s B o o js: Mr. Ward delivering his great Union SrEEcn. \S€e Page 209.) rl3^ V JbCci.Jt-V_a^. t 1^34.-^(2^7 Kit MO® WITH MANY COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. « Franca ■M- {Bit Entered According to Act of Congress in the year 1862, by CHABLES F. BRO^VN, In the CIerk'8 Office of the District Court of the Southern District of New York jttDcrolt Libruy C0 CHARLES W. COE, Esq., OF CLEVELAND, OHIO, (A aPrlena all tlie Year Hoxind CONTENTS. Paoi ONE OP MR. "WAKd's BUSINESS LETTERS . . 17 THE SHAKERS . . . ... 20 HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA • • .34 THE ATLANTIC CABLE ..... 36 AMONG THE SPIRITS . . . . . .41 ON THE WING . . . . . . 49 THE OCTOROON .....•• 54 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR .... 62 OBERLIN . 64 THE showman's COURTSHIP .... 69 THE CRISIS ....... 74 WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE . . .82 VMONG THE FREE LOVERS . . . . 86 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG . . .91 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. ... 95 THE CENSUS 103 AN HONEST LIVING 106 THE PRESS . . . .... . 107 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO . . . Ill THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES 117 woman's RIGHTS . . . . . . 119 WOULD-BE SEA DOGS 123 ON "FORTS." 124 CONTENTS. PICCOLo:^^N^ . • . • LITTLE PATTI MOSES TILE SASSY . • . • TOE niLN^CE OF WALES . • • . OSSAWATOMIE BROWN . . . JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD • :ilUISE OF THE POLLY ANN INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE mXEHVlEW WITH PRINCE NAPOLEON 130 135 Ul 14 157 163 170 176 189 198 20^ 217 223 MISCELLANEOUS. MAPwTON : A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL 235 LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD 241 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS . • . . 244 SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF .... 250 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS . . . 253 THE WIFE ...,,•.. 261 A. JUVENILE COMPOSITION . . • 263 A. POEM BY THE SAME ... . 264 Kew England Rum, and its Effects. {See Page 211^ LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. FRONTISPIECE — ARTEMUS WARD FOR THE UNION 4 NEW ENGLiVND RUM 11 THE SHAXERS " ON THE WING." THE CRISIS - VISIT TO BRIG HAM YOUNG . . . EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO ON "FORTS." MOSES THE SASSY . . . JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD . INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED PICCOLOMINI, A CHILD OF THE REGIMENT THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD . 22 48 76 94 110 126 140 162 178 188 208 216 240 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS 248 At the Door of the Tenl Ladies and Gentlemen, the Show is about to commence. You could not well expect to go in without paying, but you may pay without gomg in. I can say no fairer than that. ARTEMUS WARD ONE OF IMH. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. To the Editor of the Sir — I'm movin along — slowly along — down tords your place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal — t' would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of kiliin Dr. Parkman, besides several miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts k murderers, &c.j ekalled by few & exceld by 18 ONE OF MB. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall hav my hanhills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleld Show. We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their fcelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fif- teen minits arter Ise borUj but on the contery ef your peple take their tods, say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever met, full of conviviality, & the life an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you? If you say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the ne^" born Babe. What a inter- estin study it is to see a zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjecshunl My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin ofl&ce. My peril tercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. ] ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. 19 know thay do, becawz I never saw a man whooa didn't. Respectively ynres, A. Ward. P. S. — You scratch my back & He scratch your back. ii« THE SHAKERS. The Shakers is the strangest jeligious sex I ever met. I'd hearn tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hats and long wastid coats ; but I'd never cum into immcjit contack with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never seen 'em to my Show — leastways, if they cum they was disgised in white peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. But in the Spring of 18 — , I got swampt in the exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers. I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's nest to my off boss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon reached the place Artemus among the Shakers. " Yay," they sed, and t yay'd. [See Page 28.] THE SHAKERS. 23 I knockt at the door, which it was opened unto mo by a tall, slick-faced, solum lookin individooal, who turn'd out to be a Elder. *' Mr. Shaker," sed I, " you see before you a Babe in the Woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." '• Yay," sed the Shaker, arid Ife led the way into the house, another Shaker bein sent to put my bosses and waggin under kirver. A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's bean-pole stuck into a long meal bag, cum in and axed me was I athurst and did I hunger ? to which I urbanely anserd " a few." She went orf and I endeverd to open a conversashun with the old man. "Elder, I.spect?" sed I. " Yay," he sed. "Helth's good, I reckon?" " Yay." " What's the wages of a Elder, when he under- stans his bizness — or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus?" '' Yay." 24 fHE SHAKEKS. " Stormy night, sir." "Yay." " If the storm continners there'll be a mesa underfoot, hay?" * *'Yay." ^ "It's onpleasant when there's a mess under- foot?" "Yay." " K I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins ? " "Yay!" I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: " You're a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room. Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck her hcd into the room and statid that refreshments THE SHAKERS. 26 awaited the weary travler, and I sed if it was vittles slie ment the weary travler was agreeable, and I follered lier into the next room. I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored out sum tea. She sed nothin, and for five minutes the only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the female or bust. So sez I, " marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm ? " ^'Yay." " The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect ? " " Yay." - " It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweietest look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N. B. — She was upards of 40 and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd tickil her.] " I don't like men ! " she sed, very short. '*WalL I dunno,". sez' I, "they're a raythei 26 THE SHAKERS. important part of the populashun. I don't scacely seeiiow we could git along Avithout 'em." " Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better there was no men ! " '* You'll excocs me, Qiarm, but I dont think that air would work. It wouldn't be regler." " I'm fraid of men ! '' she sed. " That's onnecessarj, marm. You ain't in no danger. Don't fret yourself on that pint." " Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and consekently we hav no domes- tic diflSculties. Husbans don't abooze their wives — wives don't worrit their husbans. There's no chil- dren here to worrit us.. Nothin to worrit us here. No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker?" , ♦ " No," sez I, '' it ain't my stile." I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, Icavin me all alone with the clock THE SHAKERS. 27 I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hcd in at the door. "You're a man of sin!" he sod, and groaned and went away. Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in meal bags like the old one I'd met prcvisly, and their shiny, silky har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose female Josts wear; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin cnufF to make a man throw stuns at his granmother if they axed him to. They commenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter, and sez I, " my pretty dears, how air you ? " " We air well," they solumly sed. " Whar's the old man ?" sed I, in a soft voice. " Of whom dost thow speak — Brother Uriah ? '^ " I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." " He has retired." 28 THE SHAKERS " Wall, mj pretty dears/' sez I, '* let's hav sum Tun. Let's play puss in the corner. What say ? *' " Air you a Shaker, sir ? " they axed. " Wall^ my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd jine 'em As it is, I'm a Shaker pro-temporary." They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a lee'tle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up,sez I, " my pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to a inner- sent kiss at partin ? " " Yay," thay sed, and I ya]fd, I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin half a hour when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up |n bed, leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the foUerin picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except his night close, which flutterd in the breeze like a THE SHAKERS. 2t Seseshun flag. He sed, "You're a man of sin ! " then groaned and went away. I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pretty little Shakeresses, mounted on m^ Californy Bar. I thawt the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville and that Betsy Jane cum out and giv us a warm recepshun wit] I a panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly by the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down stairs." Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I'd met the night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to? Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, '' my Shaker frends, I reckon you'd better suspend 'the rules, and git marrid ! " " You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female; " he's subjeck to fits and hain't got no command over hisself when he's into 'em." *' Sartinly," sez I, "I've bin took that way myself frequent." 3 10 THE SHAKEKS. " You're a man of sin ! " sed the Elder. Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends ci^m in Bgin to clear away the dishes. " My pretty dears," sez I, ^' shaK we yay agin? " Nay," they sed, and I naifd. The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was alL.pn hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and the females on tother. They com- menst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuflle near where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sed: "HunkyboyI Go it, my gay and festiv eussr' THE SHAKERS. 81 '* You're a man of sin ! -' he sed, continnerin his Bliuffle. The Sperret, as they called it, then moved ai short fat Shaker to say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers and all was ekal. They was the purest arid seleckest peple on the yearth. Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd git run over. The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, " What duz it siggerfy ? " *'What?" sez he. " Why this jumpin up and sin gin ? This long weskit bizniss, and this anty-matrimony idee ? My frends, you air nea-t and tidy. Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man buys a kag of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many 52' THE SHAKERS. fihavins under a few layers of sass — a little Game I'm sorry to say sum of my New Englan ancestera used to practiss. Your garding seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly 1 should raise a good mess of garding sass. You air honest in your "^ealins. You air quiet and don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away your lives fiere in single retchidness, and as you air all by yourselves noth- ing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, ex- cept when Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan she sumtiraes do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No children's prattle is ever,hearn around your harthstuns — you air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags.. and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker aa THE SHAKERS. 8$ J[ ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their beds agin weskits which kiver honest, manlj h^rts, while yon old heds fool yerselves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves, talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of IMean- while said world continners to resolve round on hei own axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence. It's a unnatral, on- reasonable and dismal life you're leadin here. So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well. Thank you kindly, one and all. " A base exhibitor of depraved monkeys and onpnncipled wax works ! " sed Uriah. "Hello, Uriah," sez I, *' I'd most forgot you. Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of your youth and beauty." And I resoomed my jerney. « 3« HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Utiky, a trooly grate sitty in the State of New York. ^ The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was loud in her prases. 1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground. He then com- menced fur to pound him as hard as he cood. " What under the son are you abowt ? '* cried L ■a Sez he, " What did you bring this pussy lanermua cuss here fur ? " & he hit the wax figger another tremcnjis blow on the bed. HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT mtcA 35 Se2 I, '' You egrejus ass^ that air's a wax figger — a representashun of the false Tostle." Sez he, " That's all very well fur you to say but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn site ! " with which observashun he kaved in Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson in the 3d deo;ree. CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HON OR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep the onct, 18&58. — 1 was summund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin bj a lettur from the Supervizers of Baldinsville, sajin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that air town in refferunse to sellebratin the compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & axkin me to be Pressunt. Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure stile I took my departer for Baldins- ville — " my own, my nativ Ian," which I gut in- two at early kandle litin on the follerin night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware com- mensin. Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I forgit the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from the Staige with zaj umbrel- CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 87 ler and verlise. The Tarvern was lit up with taller kandles all over & a grate bon fire was burnin in frunt thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the sine post with the follerin wards — " Giv us Liber- ty or Deth.'^ Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumer- nated with 5 tin lantun* and the follerin Transpi- rancy was in the winder — '' The Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank Road — the 2 grate eventz of the 19th centerry — may intestines strife never mar their grandjure." Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A American Eagle was painted onto a flag in a winder — also these wards, viz — "The Con- stitooshun must be Presarved." The Skool house was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with mottoes amung which I notised the follerin — *' Trooth smashed to erth shall rize agin — you can't STOP HER." "The Boy stood on the Barnin Deck whense awl bat him had Fled." " Prokrastinashun is the theaf of Time." " Be virtoous & you will be Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of trubble — shan the Bo'.e," an the follerin sentimunt 88 CELERRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. written by the skool master, who graduated at Hud- eon Kollige. " Baldinsville sends greetin to Her Magistj the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore pre vis bin felt between the Supervi- zers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns. Baldinsville this night rejoisea over the gerlorious event which sementz 2 grate na- shuns onto one anuther by means of a clecktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. Quos- QUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CaTERLINY, PATENT NOS- TRUM ! " Squire Smithes house was lited up re- gardlis of expense. His little sun WUliam Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat & wave it round in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, who hD^* just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Jji tertoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West . CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 8» room as the goddis of liberty, & sung " I see them on their windin way." Booteus 1, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. N. Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up aa Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inderpendunse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense she ever seed. Scz she to the 'Squire, " Cum into the house and go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goin round half-ded with the rumertism.& won't gin us a minit's peace till you get well." Sez the 'Squire *' Betsy, you little appresiate the importance of the event which I this night commemerate." . Sez she, " Commemerate a cat's tail — cum into the house this instant, you pesky old critter." " Betsy," sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, "retire." This made her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with a panfull of Bilin hot water which she thro wed all over the Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your sides lar- fin to see the old man jump up and holler & run 10 CELEBRATION AT BALBINSVILLE. into the house. Except this unpropishus circiim* Btance all went as merry as a carriage bell, as Lord B jrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offiss was likewise liCed up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of '' Hutchinsis invisorater," was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaperofBss was also illumernated, & the follerin mottoes stuck out — " The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which moves the world.'' "Vote Early." ''Buckle on your Armer." " Now is the time to Subscribe." " Franklin, Morse & Field." " Terms $1,50 a year — liberal reducshuns to clubs." In short the villige of Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many peple thar befour in my born days. He not attemp to describe the seens of that grate night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try to do it. I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my " Oatem cum dig the tates," as our skool master obsarves, in the buzzum of my famerly, & shaU then resume the show bisnis, which Ive bin into twenty two (22) yeres and six (6) months. AMONG THE SPIRITS. M^ naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new fangled idear about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sirclea is Held nitely piece of mind of evrj famerlee he enters. He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit rappers — them as make? a biznis on it air — abowt the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin 1 »>ut on my surtoot and went home. Respectably Yures, Artemus Ward. "Don't Spkae me agin, if you please." [JSee Page 50.] ON THE WING. Gents of the EditDral Corpse; — Since I last rit you I've met with immense suc- cess a showin my show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr. Russel's tavern, a very good tavern too, hut I am sorry to inform you that the clerks , tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. I brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot of sweet-scented wagon- grease on my hair, I am free to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes mo iiadn't I better put my watch in the Safe. "Sir," sez I, " that watch cost sixteen dollars ! Yes Sir^ every dollar of it ! You can't cum it over me my boy! Not at all. Sir." I know'd what the clerk wanted. He wanted that watch himself. He 50 ON THE WING. wanted to make believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set the house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was destroyed with the other prop- erty ! But he caught a Tomarter when he got hold of me. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the cars was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton um- broiler in one hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She sed every woman should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know what was good for them. "What is my Spear?' she axed, addressin the people in the cars. " Is it to stay at home & darn stockins & be the ser-lave of a domineerin man? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ekal of man ? Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear ? " Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her um- breller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. * I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Speai bizness," sez I, " but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril Don't Spear me agin, if you please.' She sot down. ON THE WING. 61 At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faint- ness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin tho beverage up, a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoulder, k Bed, '' Look not upon the wine when it is red ! " Sez I, " this ain't wine. This is Old Eje." ** It stingeth like a Adder and hiteth like a Sar- pent I " sed the man. *^ I guess not," sed 1, " when you put sugar into it. That's the way I allers take mine." *' Have you sons grown up. Sir ? " the man axed. *' Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, " my son Artemus junior is goin on 18." " Ain't you afraid if you set this example b4 him, he'll cum to a bad end? " " He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learn - in the shoe makin bizness," I replide. "I guess we can both on us git along without your assistance^ Sir," I obsarved, as he was about to open his mouth agin. "This is a cold world ! " sed the man. " That's so. But you'l\ get into a warmer one 62 ON THE WING. by and bj if you don't mind your own bizness bet- ter." I was a little riled at the feller, because I never take any thin only when I'm on we II. I arter wards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and if lie can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. At Albion I met with overwhelmin success. The celebrated Albion Female Semenary is located here, k there air over 300 young ladies in the Insti- tushun, pretty enough to eat without seasonin or sass.. The young ladies was very kind to me, volunteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses. It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round with a advertisement of A. Ward's on- paraleld show, conspickusly posted onto their dresses. They've got a Panick up this way and refooze t take Western money. It never was worth much and when western men, who know what it is, re ON THE WING. 68 foozo to take their own money it is about time other folks stopt handlin it. Banks are bustin every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men. I wish I owned as good a house as some of 'em would break into ! Virtoo is its own reward. A/Wari> THE OCTOROON. It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that I rite you these here lines. Sum of the hiest and most purest feelins whitch actooate tho humin Lart has bin trampt onto. The Amerycan flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder in my Boozum. The fax in the kase is these here : A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to K. Y. fur to git out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane, & as I was peroosin a noospaper Dn the J^ars a middel aged man in speckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was drest in black close & was appeerently as fine a man a3 ever was. " A iiiie day Sir," he did unto me strateway say. " Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, the he peered to be as fine a man as there was in THE OCTOROON. 6ft tho wurld — It is a middlia fine day Square,'- I obsarved. Sez he, '' How fares the Ship of State in yure regine- of country ? " Sez I, *' We don't hav no ships in our State — the kanawl is our best holt.'* He parsed a minit and then sed, '• Air yu aware, Sir that the krisis is with us ? " *• No," sez I, getting up and lookin under the seet, '' whare is she ? " " It's hear — it's everywhares," he sed. Sez I, ''Why how you tawk! " and I gut up agin & lookt all round. "I must say my fren,""I continncred, as I resoomed my seet, " that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself" I felt sum what alarmed, & arose & in a stentowrian voice obsarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to onct or suffer the konsequences. Several individoouls snickered rite out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a pine gown made the observashun, " He, he." 5 W THE OCTOROON. "Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black closC; '^ yvL miskomprehend me. I meen that the pcrlittercal ellermunts are orecast with black klouJs, 4boden a friteful storm." "Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts I don't know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind of ellerfunts. But I maik bold ro say thay is all a ornery set & un- pleasant to hav round. They air powerful hevy eaters & take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as ugly and revenjeful as a Cussca- roarus Injun, with 13 inches of corn whisky in his Btummick." The man in black close seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world. He smilt & sed praps I was rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of ellerfunts that he was alludin to, & axed me what was my prinserpuls ? *' I haint gut enny," sed I — '' not a prinserpul Ime in the show biznis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world. * But," sez he, *' you hav feelins into jon ? You THE OCTOROOJN. 67 cimpathize with the misfortunit, the lolj k tho hart-sick, don't you ? " He bust into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the sect out yen- der, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed. Sed I, "2 be shure I see her — is she mutch sick ? '* The man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was in the world ennywhares. " Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. "Let me git my mowth fernenst yure ear. Hush — SHE3E A Octoroon ! " " No ! " sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, " yu don't say so I How long has she bin in that way?" " Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he. " Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur? " T inquired. " She kan't help it," sed the man in black close **'lt's the brand of Kane." " Wall, she'd better stopdrinkin Kane's brandy," f rcplide. *'I sed the brand of Kane was upon her — not brandy, my fren. Yure very obtoose." 68 THE OCTOROON. I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, * My gentle Sir Ime a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no rows with nobuddy, but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's bed that calls me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst fur to pull orf my extry garmints. *' Cum on," sez I — ''Time! bear's the Beniki Boy fur ye!" & I c irnced round like a poppit. He riz up in his seet & axed my pardin — sed it was all a mistake — that I was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we fixt it all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the wurld. He sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a nesjrow. He likewise statid that the female he was travelin with was formurly a slave in Mississippy ; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to pur- cbiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the man in black close obsarved) was between 87 yeart of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 hired men, whitch it was rapidly breakin down her konstitushun. He sed he knowed the minit lio gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd THE OCTOROON. 69 donate librullj & axed me to go over & see hcr» which I accordinlv did. I sot down heside her and sed ^'jure Sarvant, Marm ! How do yer git along?'"' She bust in 2 teers & said, " Sur, I^m so retchid- — I'm a poor unfortunit Octoroon." *' So [ lam. Yure rather more Roon than Octo, I take it," sed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in»the hull endoorin time of my life. She had on a More A.ntic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with Berage trimmins onto it, while her Ise & kurls was enufF to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his relashuns good by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost recusses of my hart & bawled out 50 dollers ker slap, & told her to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she ''kine sir mutch thanks." She then lade her hed over onto my showlder & sed I was "old rats." I was astonished to heer this obsarvation, which I knowd was never used in refined society & I peilitely but emfattercly shovd her hed away. Sez I '' Marm, I'm trooly sirprized." 6a THE OCTOROON. Sez she, " git out. Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit. Give us anuther 50 ! " Had a soled: assortment of the most tremenjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat tales & in a wild voise cride, " No,' He never desart you — let us fli togetjier to a furrin shoor ! " Sez I, *'-not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to get awa from her. " This is plade out," I ^ sed, whereupon she jerkt me back into the seet. " Leggo my coat, you scandal us& female,'' I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin and hollerin you ever heerd. The oassinjers & the gentlemunly konducter rusht to the spot,& I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a rumpus in the hull conrse of my natral dase. The man in black close rusht up to me & sed "How dair yu insult my neece, you horey heded vagabone , You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers — yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th. I was konfoozed. I was a loony tick fur the time bein, and offered 15 reward to enny gentleman of THE OCTOROON. ' 61 good morrul carracter who wood tell mo whot my name was & what town I livd into. The konductor kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle for $50, which I immejitly hawled out, & agano implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully, & if I shood be thare a grate while myself ^f things went on as they'd bin goin fur sum time back. I then axed if there was enny more Octo- roons present, " becawz," sez I, ^'ef there is, let um cum along, fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I then threw my spesterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed highsterically & fell under a sect. I lay there sum time .& fell asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carrid orf by K-yenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had bin captered by a army of Octo- roons. When I awoked the lamps was a burnin dimly. Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like pawpusses & the little damsel! in the pine gown was a singin " Oft in the Silly nite.'' The on- prjnsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'de bin swindjld. EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR In the Ortum of 18 — my frend,the editor of the Baldinsville Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & dig his taters. & he axed me to edit for him doorin his absence. Accordinly I ground up his Shears and commenced. It didn't take me a grate while to slash out copy enufF from the xchanges for one issoo, and I thawt I'd ride up to the next town on a little Jaunt, to rest my Branes which had bin severely rackt by my mental efforts. (This Is sorter Ironical.) So I went over to the Rale Rood offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars. *' You a editer? " he axed, evijently on the pint df snickerin. ^ *' Yes Sir," sez I, " don't I look poor enuff ? " "Just about," sed he, " but our Road can't pars you." EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR dB "Can't, hay?" •'No Sir — it can't." . . ^ *' Becauz," sez I, lookin him full in the face with a Eagle eye ''^ it goes so darned slow it caiitjiars anybody !^^ Methinks I had him thar. It's the slowest Rale Road in the West. With a mortifi'ed air, he told me to git out of his ofEss I pittid him ^d went OBERLIN. About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio. Obcrlin is wiiare -the celebrated college is. In fack, Oberlin is the college, everytliing else in that air vicinity resolvin around excloosivly for the benefit of that institution. It is a very good college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooal- ly to git intelleck into 'em. But its my onbiassed 'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethio- pians at Oberlin. But that's nun 'of my bizness. I'm into the Show bizniss. Yit as a faithful histo- ran I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white peple can't find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit there bein such a numerosity of cullcrd pussons in the town. As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfesser Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Ko- lonial Hall to exhibit my wax worl^ and beests of OBERLIN. 65 N Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in the college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read essays into. Scz Perfesser Peck, " Mister Ward, I don't knoTV 'bout this bizniss. What are your sentiments ? " Sez I, "I hain't got any.'* '' Good God ! " cried the Perfesser, " did I un- derstan you to say you hav no sentiments? " " Nary a sentiment ! " sez I. " Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three million and a half of your culled breth- ren air a clankin their chains in the South ? " Sez I, " not a bile ! Let 'em clank ! " He was about to continner his flowry speech when 1 put a stopper on him. Sez I, " Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my name & Ameriky is my nashun ; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is my station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years. The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price ? You air full of sentinaents. That's your lay, while I'm a exhibitor of startlin curiosities. What d'ye Bay?" M OBERLIN. •* Mister Ward, yon air endowed with a hiljr prac- tical mind, and while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments, I'll let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral & elevatin nater." Sez I, '' Tain't nothin shorter." So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite with stujents, &g. Perfesser Finny gaz- ed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when that sa- gashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of hia onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, the Perfesser objected. " Suffer not your angry pashuns to rise up at the poor annimil's little excen- trissities," said the Perfesser. "Do you call such conduck as those a little ex- centrissity ? " I axed. " I do," sed lie, sayin which he walked up to the cage and sez he, " let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So he put his hand upon the Kan- geroo's hed and sed, " poor little feller — poor lit- tle feller — your master is ve*ry crooil, isn't he; my untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a ter- OBERLiy. 67 rific jell, grabd the Perfesser bj the hand and cum very near chawin it orf. It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up and scream with pane. Sez I, ^' that's one of the poor little feller's excentrissi- ties ! '^ Sez he, " Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quad- ruped. He's totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and severe pun- ishment to the vishus beest. I hosswhipt the little cuss for upwards 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum of his excentrissity out of him. Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer and then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is then taken up to buy overkoatg with red horn buttons onto them for the indignant cullured people of Kanady. I have to contribit lib- rally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear. I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seeta in my show for the cullered peple. At the Boardin Mouse the cullered peple sit at the first table. What they leeve is maid into hash for the white pe- 6 68 OBERLIN. pie. As I don't like the idee of eatin my vittlea with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the konsequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in a hily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid their appearance all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up through my hair IIoAvsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along well in a pecunery pint of view. The College has konfired upon me the honery title of T. K., of which I'm Buffishuntly crowd. THE SHOWMAN'S ^OURTSIIIP. Thare was many affectin ties Avhich made me hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her father's flirm jined our'n ; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring ; our old mares both had stars in their forrerds ; the measles broke out in both famer- lies at nearly the same period ; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, '' How thick the Wards and Peasleys air ! " It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so thay coukVut silo 'cm^ affecshunitly Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my 70 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. affecshuns, I darsunt tell her of the fires -which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan or^ country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a barn floor. T'was a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht and nary zefFer disturbed the screen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her farther'a pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall we sot thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and lookin very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was woundid luvinly round her waste. ^ I cleared my throat and tremblinly sed, " Betsy you're a Gazelle." I thought that air was putty fine. I waitid t( THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 71 sec what effeck it would hav upon her. It evident- ly didn't fetch her, for she up and sed, " You're a sheep ! " Sez I, " Betsy, I think very muchly of you/ *' I don't b'leove a word you say — so there now Qjim ! " with which obsarvashun she hitched away from me. " I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I " so tliat you could see some of my feelins. There's fire enuff in here," sed I, strikin my buzzum with my fist, " to bile all the corn beef and turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter ain't a circumstans I " She bowd her bed down and commenst chawin the strings to her sun bonnet. *' Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with on your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me & how my lims has shrunk up, you would'nt dowt me. Gase on this wastin form nnl these 'ere sunken cheeks" — 1 should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost my 6* 72 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. ballunse and fell over into the pastur ker smash tearin mj close and seveerlj damagin myself gine- rally. Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and dragged me 4th. Then drawin her- self up to her full hite she sed : "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite strate out what you're drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'm in ! " I considered that air enuff for all practicul pur- pusses, and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, & was made 1 that very nite. (Notiss to the Printer: Put some stars here.) * * * :* . * ^ * IVe parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss I've amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this foot-stool can rise & git up & say I ever l^nowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful coUeckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP 78 grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-size T7ax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky — the most amoozin little cuss ever iutrojuced to a discriminatin puhlic. THE CRISIS. [This Oration -was delivered before the commencement of the \^ar.] On returnin to my Immsted in Baldinsville, In- jianny, resuntly, my feller sittersens extended a in- vite for me to norate to 'em on the Krysis. I ex- cepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House. I spoke nearly as follers : Baldinsvillins : Hearto4,as I hav numerously ob- sarved, i have abstrained from having any senti- munts or principles, my pollertics, like my religion bein of a exceedin accommodatin character, Bu* the fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysjs i^ onto- us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflam- mertory individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what good she will do, but I ain't "Shall the Star Spangled Banner be cut up mxo dish LOTUS?" [See Page 80.] THE CRISIS. 77 'shamed to state that I don't, scacely. But the Krjsis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral weeks, & Goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter to assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt trade into a cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever chaned any of my livin wild Beests. Alow me to hear dygress & stait that my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the new-born Babe. Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that pint. To resoom — Altho I carn't exactly see what good this Krysis can do, I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her is. The origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother. I was into Barnim's Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw that exsentric Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, " Mister What Is It, you folks air raisin thunder with this grate country. You're gettin to be ruther more numeris than interestin. It is a pity you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves, & be a nation of What Is Its, tho' if you'll excoose me, I shooden't care about marryin among you. No dowt you're exceed- in charmin to hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't 78 THE CRISIS. adapted to this cold climit. He larfed into my face, which rather Riled me, as 1 had heen perfecklj vir- toous and respectable in my observashuns. So scz I, turnin a leetle red in the face I spect, " Do you hav the unblushin impoodents to say you folks haven't raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister What Is It ? " He larfed agin, wusser nor be4, whareuponi up andsez, ''Go home. Sir, to Afriky's burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along with you. Don't think we can't spair your interest- in picters. You What Is Its air on the pint of smash in up the gratest Guv'ment ever erected by man, & you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about it. Go home, you low cuss ! " I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a Rcstorator & cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile — I b'leeve thay call 'em sardeens. Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sevral hily respectyble gentlemen, and sum talcntid females tell us so, & fur argyment' sake I mite be injooccd to grant it, tho' I don't be- leeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sister & THE CRISIS. w our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brotli- ers & all our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and our grate grandfatlier,and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. & yit numeris persona would have us think so. It's troo he runs Congress & sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't everybody & everybody else likewise. [Notiss to bizness man of Vanity Fair : Extry charg fur this larst remark. It's a goak. — A. W.] But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, & now what air we going to do about it? He's a orful ncosanse. Praps he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur sum wise purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate he's no good here, & as I statid to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf sumwhares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & speckled neckties, & gratterfy his ambisliun in varis interestin wase, without havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him. Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon CufTy Cum to tliink oa it, I am. He wooden't be sich a 80 THE CRISIS. infernal noosanse if white peple -would let him alone, lie mite indeed be interestin. And now I think of itj why can't the white peple let him alone. What's the good of continnerlj stirrin him up with a ten- foot pole ? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoom- «ry when in a natral stait. Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. - The black devil Disunion is trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face ! We must drive him back. Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of ourselves ? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ? Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther brother? Shall we mix our whisky with each others' blud? Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths ? Standin here in this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore so to speak, I an- ler — Nary ! Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust place startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes for you, from his boots to the top- most hair upon his wenerable hed. Feller Sitterzens, I am in the Sheer & YellcT THE CRISIS. 81 leaf. I shall peg out 1 of these dase. But while I da stop here I shall stay in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of Baldinsville may conclude to do^ but for one, I shall stand by the Stars & Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will I sesesh. Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter flags flote thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still will I stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the devil, but I won't ! And next Summer when I start out on my campane with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, you shall see floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof the Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less, but the same old flag that has allers flotid thar ! & the price of admishun will be the same it allers was — 15 cents, children half price. Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squat- tod WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. Onto the wing 1859. Mm. Editoe ; I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth and trust these few lines will find yu in- joyin the same blessins. I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. As the Poit sez — ■ ime erflote, ime erflote On the Swift rollin tied An the Rovir is free. Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my foode and raiment puncktooally and with- out no grumblin. The barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined moren onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold to say no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever ronged him or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a ter.t, which is better nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious of wax works, snakes, a pan- WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 88 eramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus stile. I started out with the idear of makin mj show a grate Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompeled to sware so much at that air infurnal Kangeroo tliat I'm frade this desine will be flustrat- id to some extent. And while speakin of morrality. remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows like mine, sajin they is low and not .fit to be patrernized by peple of high degree. Sirs, I mane- tane that this is infernul nonsense. I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than awl the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for instunse. Peple think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite the reverse to the konrtary. What sort of sense ia thare to King Leer who goze round cussin his dar- ters, chawin hay and throin straw at folks, and larf- in like a silly old koot and makin a ass of hisself ginerally? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth — sheze a niso kind of woomon to have round aint she, a puttin old Mack, her husband, up to slayin Dunkan with a 84 . WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. cheeze knife, while heze payin a frendly visit to theii house. its hily morral, I spoze, when she larfa wildly and sez, " gin me the daggurs — lie let his bowels out," or wurds to that effeck — I say, this ia awl strickly propper I spoze ?. That Jack Fawl- starf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon. Thare's Richurdthe Three peple think heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a monkster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up and yells for a boss so he kan go orf and kill sum more peple. If he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like to know whareyou findum. Thare's largo who is more crnery nor pizun. See how shamful he treated that hily respecterble injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his wife was two thick with Casheo. Obsarve how largo got Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn whisky in order to karry out his sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's feelins up so thai he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller a piller WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 86 which cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum fiitur time I shall continner my reibarks on the (Iramer in which I shall show the varst supeeriority of wax figgers and snakes over theater plays, in a in terlectooal pint of view. Very Respectively yures, A. Ward, T. K AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.* Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfarled my banner to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin Hites was ockepied by a extensive seek called Free Lovers, who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic ties without no hesitation whatsoraever. They was like- wise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral principles. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of adraitants, methunk, T shall not hav lived in vane ! But bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for * Some queer people, calling themselves " Free Lovers," ami Dossessiu^ very original ideas about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the association was soon diabanded. AMONG THE FREE LOVEBS. 61 to congregate around the door. A ornreer set I have never sawn. The men's faces was all covered with hare and thej lookt half-starved to deth. They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpuss (as they sed) of allowin the free' air of hevun to hlow onto their boozums. Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed. They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they ? That was their stile of argyment. The wimin was wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton umbrellers. Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female pre- sented herself at the door. Her gownd was skan- derlusly short and her trowsis was shameful to behold. She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, in a wild voice ; '' Ah, can it be ? " "Which? "sed I. "Yes, 'tistrov), 'tis troo!" *' 15 cents, marm," I anserd. B8 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. She bust out a cryin & sed : '• And so I liav found you at larst — at la'-st, at larst ! " "Yes," I anserd, "you Lave found me at larst, and you "would liave found me at fust, if you Lad cum sooner." She grabd mo vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her umbreller wildly round, exclaimed : " Air you a man? " Sez I, " I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address Mrs. A. Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will probly giv you the desired infer mashun." " Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid?'' "Madam, I istest ! " The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and hollcrd : " You air mine, you air mine ! " " Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her, But she clung to me and sed : " You air my Affinerty ! " / AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 89 " What upon arth is that ? '* I shouted. " Dost thou not know ? " "No, Idostent!" " Listin man, & I'll tell ye ! " sed the strange female ; " for years I hav yearned for thee. J knowd thou wast in the world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he would cum and I took courage. He has cum — he's here — you air him — you air my Affinerty ! 'tis too mutch ! too mutch ! " and she sobbed agin. " Yes," I anserd, " I think it is a darn site tor mutch ! " " Hast thou not yearned for me ? " she yelled, ringin her hands like a female play acter. "Not a yearn!" I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her away from me. The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene commenst for to holler " shame I " " beast," etsettery, etsettery. I was very mutch riled, and fortify in myself with a spare tent stake, I addrest them as follers " You pussylanermus critters, go way from me and flO . AMONG THE-FREE LOVERS take this retchid woman with you. I'm a law- abidin man, and bleeve in good, old-fashionod insti- tutions. I am marrid & my orf^prings resemble me if 1 am a showman ! I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents, besides boin outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave desuD !; like other folks ? Go to work and earn a honist l.'vin and not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless \v,\y, pizenin the moral atmosphere with your pestifroUij id^.es ! You wimin folks go back to your lawful huiibands if you've got any, and take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress respectful like other wimiu. You men folks, cut orf them pirattercal whiskers, burn up them infurnel pamplits, put sum weskuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not if I live to be as old as Me- thooseler. SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURGH. Hear in the Buzzum of my famerlj I am enjojin myself, at peas with awl mankind and the wimmin folks likewize. I go down to the village ockashunly and take a little old Rye fur the stummuck'ssake, but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral thing. No man evir seen me intossikated but ouct, and that air happind in Pittsburg. A parsel of ornery cusses in that luvly sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite and aboosed my Avax works shaimful. I didnt ob- Barve the outrajus transacshuns ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to kongregate. Suddinly thay kommensed fur to larf and holler in a boyster- ious stile. Sezlgood peple wha'tsup? Sez thay them's grate wax wurks, isn't they, old man. I imme- jitly looked up ter whare the wax works was and my blud biles as I think of the site which then met 82 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURGH. my Gase. I hope two be dodrabbertid if them afoursed raskals hadent gone and put a old kaved in hat onter George Washington's hed and shuved a short black klaj pipe inter his mouth. His noze thay had painted red and his trowsis legs thay had shuvd inside his butes. My wax figger of Na- poleon Boneypart was likewise mawltreatid. His sword wus danglin tween his legs, his cockd hat was drawn klean down over his ize,and he was plased in a stoopin posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as drunk as a biled owl. Ginral Tayler was a standin on his hed and Wingfield Skott's koat tales ware pind over his hed and his trowsis ware kompleetly torn orf frum hisself My wax works representin the Lord's Last Supper was likewise aboozed. Three of the Postles ware under the table and two of urn had on old tarpawlin hats and faggid pee jackits iand ware smokin pipes. Judus Iskarriot had on a cocked hat and was appeerently drinkin, as a Bottle of whisky set befour him. This ere specktercal was too much fur me. I klosed the show and then Jrowndid my sorrers in the flowin Bole "Oh stay, Sir, stayI" sed a tall gawnt femail. \f^ Page 101.] \ A VISIT TO BKIGHAM YOUNG. It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well, remember, since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of Jold. While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble red men of the forest (N. B. This is rote Sarcasticul. Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their Brother, & wantid for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin grinder & scoot- ed with a Wild Hoop. Durin the Cheaf 's techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Hunt- in Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. But enuff of this ere. Reven Noose Muttons, as our skoolmaater, who has got Talent into him, cussy- cally obsarve. I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Damp Scott there was a lot of U. S. sojers, hosstensibly / 8 i6 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. sent out thare to smash the mofmons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but sum what onsartin games. I got acquainted with sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshua in their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarn- ed I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull party. * My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the mormins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a few minits,and sed : " Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the im- maculateness of the Mormin Church and the Latter- day Revelashuns ? " Sez I, " Fm on it ! " I make it a pint to git along plesunt, tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at. He sed I mite show. " You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I blcevc ? " •ez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis. A VISIT TO BRIGHAM rOUNQ 97 " I hev eight J wives, Mister Ward. I sertinlj am marrid." " How do you like it as far a3 you Lev got ? " sed I. lie sed ''middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his flxmerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind min2;lin with the fair Seek & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin wives. He accord- ingly tuk m3 to his Scireura. The house is power- ful hig & in a exceedin large room was his wives & children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enufi to take the roof rite orf the house. The wimin was of all sizes and ages. Sum was pretty & sum was plane — sum was helthy and sum was on the Wayne — which is verses, tho sich was not my in- tentions, as 1 don't 'prove of puttin verses in Froze rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim tkal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fellers. *' My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung. " Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which a red-heded female brawt me. " Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward.* 98 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNQ Bed Yung, " I hav eighty more in varis .parts of this consecrated land which air Sealed to me." *' Which ? " sez I, gittin up & starin at him. "Sealed, Sir! sealed." *' Wharebowts?" sez I. *'Ised, Sir, that they was sealed!," He spoke in a traggerdy voice. " Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate extent, Sir? " I axed. " Sir," sed he furnin as red as a biled beet, "don't you know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev as meny wives as I wants?" " Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you ? " " Them as is Sealed to me — that is to say, to be mine when I wants um — air at present my sperret- ooul wives," sed Mister Yung. " Long may thay wave ! " sez I, seein I shood git into a scrape ef I didn't look out. In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt ihe follerin fax : It takes him six weeks to kiss hia wives. He don't do it :)nly onct a yere & sez it is A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 99 WUS3 nor cleanin bouse. - He don't pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um, tho they all know him. He sez about every child he meats call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. H'a wives air very expensiv. Thay allers want suthin & of he don't buy it for um thay set the house in a uproar. He sez he don't have a minit's peace. His wives fite amung theirselves so much that he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a honible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop- handles, broom-sticks and sich. Occashunly they git mad & scald him with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. Sum- times when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of Ihe Lake & steal all his close, thereby com- 8* 100 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 'pellin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. "I find that the Koers of a marrid life way hevy onto me," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish Td re- maned singel." I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up to. On my way I was over- tuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they sur- roundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free. " Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know." "We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Ward's Show without payin nothin ! " thay showtid. "Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, eeasin me by the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, "we're all goin in free! So sez the Reve- lashun ! " " What's Old Revelashun got to do with my Show?" sez I, gittin putty rily. "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full bite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 101 prowd & defiant mean, '• tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitu- shun of the Unitid States! " " Oh now let us in, that^s a sweet man," sed sev- eral femails, puttin thare arms rownd me in luvin stile. *' Becum 1 of us "Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you." " Not a Seal ! " sez I, startin back in horror at the idee. " Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed 37 summirs must hev parsd, " stay, & rilbe your Jentle Gazelle." **Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I. " Awa you skanderlus femaile, awa ! Go & be a Nun- nery ! " That's what I sed, jes so. *' & I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than too hundred lbs., ''I will be your sweet gidin Star ! " Sez I, " He bet two dollers and a half you won't ! " Whare ear I may Rome He still be tioo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane ! [N. B Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.] 102 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. " Wiltist thou not tarry hear in the Promist Land? " seel several of the miserabil critters. '• He see you all essenshally cussed be 4 1 wiltist ! " roared I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul non- cents. I girdid up my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up mj duds & left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & onprinoipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe. THE CENSUS. The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick he deppertised me to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me informashun how to perceed, I was consekentlj compelled to go it blind. Sittir down by the road side I drawd up the follerin list of questions which I proposed to ax the peple I vis- ited : Wat's your age ? Whar was you born ? Air yon marrid, and if so how do you like it ? How many children hav you, and do they suffi- ciently resemble you as to proclood the possibility of their belongin to any of your nabers ? Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how many ? Hav you a twin brother several years older than yourself ? , 104 THE CENSUS. How many parents hav you ? Do you read Watt's Hims regler ? Do you use bough ten tobacker ? Wat's your fitin wate ? Air you trubeld with biles ? IIow does your meresham culler ? State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic or got the heaves ? Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe you ? What's the average of virtoo on the Ery Ca- nawl ? If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto a barn floor will kiver it how many plase can Dion Boureicault write in a year ? Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family? How many chickins hav you, on foot and in the shell ? Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in New York shootin galrys instid of pistils, and thati ^oots furthest ? Was you ever at Niagry Falls ? THE CENSUS. 105 Was you ever in the Penitentiary ? State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheeze, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, childrens' strainer's, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, perfoomery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c., you hav on hand? But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust house I stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelieven the ansers they giv in regard to their ages I en- devered to open their mouths and look at their teeth, same as they do with hosses, but they floo into a vi- lent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. Takin the senses requires experiunse, like any othei bizniss. AN HONEST LIVING. I was on my way from the mines to San Fran- ciscO; with a light puss and a hevy hart. You'd scarcely hav recognized my fair form, so kiverd was I with dust. Bimeby I met Old Poodles, tne ali- firdist gambler in the country. He was afoot and in his shirt sleeves, and was in a wuss Jarther* nor any race boss I "ever saw. " Whither goist thow, sweet nimp? " sez I, in a play-actin tone. " To the mines, Sir," he unto me did say," to the mines, to earn an honest living Thinks I that air aint very cool, I guess, and druv on. THE PRESS. I want the editers to cum to my Show free as the flours of May, but I don't want um to ride a fre©^ boss to deth. Thare is times when Patience seizes to be virtoous. I hev " in my mind's eye, Hur- rashio" (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers in a sertin t6wn which shall be nameless, who air Both sneakin and ornery. They cum in krowds to my Show and then axt me ten sents a lines for Pufl&. I objectid to payin, but they sed ef I didn't down with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the face of the earth ! Thay sed the Press was the Arkyme- dian Leaver which moved the wurld. I put up to their extorshuns until thay'd bled me so I was a nicer shadder^and left in disgust. It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther - of Presidents & things, that I was shaimfully 9 108 ^ THE PEESS. aboozed by a editor in human form. He set my Show up steep & kalled me the urbane & gentle- munly manajer, but when I, fur the purpuss of showin fair play all around, went to anuther offisa to git my handbills printed, what duz this pussilla- nermus editer do but change his toon & abooze me like a Injun. He sed my wax wurks was a humbug & called me a horey-heded itinerent vagabone. I thort at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Beneki Boy, but on rejflectin that he cood pollish me much wuss in his paper, I giv it up. & I wood here take occashun to advise peple when thay run agin, as thay sumtimes will, these miserable papers, to not pay no attenshun to urn. Abuv all, don't assault a editer of this kind. It only gives him a notorosity, which is jest what he wants, & don't do you no more good than it wood to . jump into enny other mud puddle. Editers are generally fine men, but there must ba black sheep in every flock. "Fair Youth, do you know wnoT I'd do with tou if you vvAS MY SUN ?" [See Page 112.] EDWIN FORliEST AS OTFELLO. • Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness myself, I ginrallj goto Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral peple air admitted, par- tickly on ¥f ednesday arternoons. But this time I thot I'd g^y & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on the stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about his afu^itft.fi f tLtSi 'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with many unexpected difficulties in prepar- ing his forces, and in his perplexity he liad emptied not only his own canteen but those of most of his aids. The consequence was — mortifying as it must be to all true Anericans — bluohing as I do to tell 256 SUBRENPFR OF CORNWALLIS it, Washinston at the commencement of the mimio struggle was most unqualifiedly drunk. The sham fight commenced. Bang ! bang ! bang ! from the Americans — hang ! hang ! bang ! from the British. The bangs were kept hotly up unMl tho powder gave out, and then came the order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed ficrcly in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not to hit any body. " Thaz (hie) ri^ht," shouted "Washington, who during the shooting had been racing his horse wild- ly up and down the line, " thaz right! Gin it to 'em ! Cut theii- tarnal heads off! " " On Romans ! " shrieked Cornwallis, who had, once seen a theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of the Thespian belligerents, " on to the fray ! No sleep till mornin'.'' '• Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, ''and down with taxation on +ea ! " The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were propoly arranged, and Cornwallis, dismounting, prepared to present his sword to AVashington accord- ing to programme. As he walked slowly towards SURRENDER OF CORN^VALLIS 257 tiie Father of His Countrj he rehearsed the little speech he had committed for the occasion, ^vhile tlie illustrious being who was to hear it was making dea pcrate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly brandish his sword and narrowlj escape cut- ting off his horse's ears, and then he would fall sud- denly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the man§ as drowning men seize hold of straws. He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on norseback. All idea of the magnitude of the occa- sion had left him, and when he saw Cornwallis ap- proacliing, with slow and stately step, and sword- hilt extended toward him he inquired, " What-'ndevil you want, any (hie) how ! " y " General Washington," said Cornwallis, in digni- fied and impressive tones, " I tender you my sward. I need not inform you, Sir, how deeply — The speech was here cut suddenly short by Wash- ington, .who driving the spurs into his horse, play- fully attempted to run over the commander of the Britiah forces. He was not permitted to do this, for his aidsj seeing his unfortunate condition, seized the 258 SURRENDER OF CORK^Y.U.LIS. horse by the bridle, straightened Washington up in liis saddle, and requested Cornwallis to proceed with his remarks. . "General Washington," said Cornwallis, ^'the British Lion prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle ! " " Eagle? Eagle ! " yelled the infuriated Wash- ington, rolling off his horse and hitting Cornwallis frightful blow on the head with the flat of his sword, " do you call me a Eagle^ you mean sneakin' cuss ? " He struck him again, sending him to the ground, and said, "I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, you infernal scoundrel ! " Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a mo- ment. Smarting from the blows he had received, he arose wilh an entirely unlooked for recuperation on the part of the fallen, and in direct defiance of his- torical example ; in spite of the men of both nations, indeed, he whipped the Immortal Washington until he roared for mercy. The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the conduct of their chief, now began to sympathize SURRENDER CF CCRNWAXLIS. 259 with, him and resolved to whip their tnock foes in ear- nest. They rushed fiercely upon them, but the Brit- ish ^Yere really the stronger party and drove the Americans back. Not content with this they charg- ed madly upon them and drove them from the field — from the village, in fact. There were many heads damaged, eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed — it is a wonder that no one was killed outright. -Washington was confined ta his house for several weeks, but he recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between himself and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the whole county in laughing about the surrender. They live now. Time, the " artist," has thorough- ly white- washed their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town meeting days the old 'Squire always rides down to the village. In the hind part of his venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of hay, os- tensibly for the old white horse, but really to hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. This bottle has on one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other maj b6 20 ♦ .260 SURRENDER OF CORN W ALUS. seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle con- tains inside I cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town meeting days and come back looking quite red in the fi\ce. When this red- ness m the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it generally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue like this may be heard : " We shall never play surrender again. Lawyer Jones ! '* " Them days is over, 'Squire Wood ! " And then they laugh and jocosely puncli each other in the ribs. THE WIFE. Home they brought her warrior deid : She uor swooned, nor uttered cry All her maidens, watching, said, •* She irnist weop or she will die '* The propriety of introducing a sad story like the following, in a book intended to be rather cheerful in its character, may be questioned ; but it so beauti- fully illustrates the firmness of woman when grief and despair have taken possession of " the chambers of her heart,", that we cannot refrain from relat- ing it. Lucy M loved with all the ardor of a fond and faithful wife, and when he upon whom she had so confidingly leaned was stolen from her by death, her friends and companions said Lucy would go* r^d. Ah, how little they knew her ! 262 THE WIFE. Gazing for the last time upon the claj-cold features of her departed husband, this young widow — beauti- ful oven in her grief: sO ethereal to look upon and yd so firm ! — looking for the last time upon the dear, familiar face, now cold and still in death — Oh, looking for the last, last time — she rapidly put on her bonnet, and thus addressed the sJbbing gentle- men who were to act as pall-bearers : " You pall- bearers jusi; go into the buttery and get some rum, and we'll start this man right along I " A JUVENILE COMPOSITION. ON THE ELEPHANT. The Elephant is the most largest Annjmile in the whole world. He eats hay and kakes. Icou must not giv the Elephant Tobacker, becoz if you do he will stamp his grate big feet upon to you and kill you fatally Ded. Some folks thinks the Elephant is the most noblest, Annymile in the world, but as for Me giv Me the American Egil and the Stars & Stripes. Alexander Pottles his Peace. SO* A POEM BY THE SAME. 80ME VERSES SUGESTID BY 2 OF MY UNCLES Uncle Simon he Clum up a tree To see what he could s<^0 When presentlee Uncle Jim Clum up beside of him And squatted do-swi by tic TH£ END. fb