UC-NRLF 
 
f£ml 
 
 .'M 
 
LA'DT FT(eT>S%ICK 
 
 A COMEDY 
 
 In Three Am 
 
 •^<y^^ 
 
 By IV. S. MAUGHAM 
 
 CHICAGO: 
 
 THE DPAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 
 
^ ^ ^ «L o 
 
 Printed in F.ns^lani 
 
MAIN 
 
 This play was produced at the Court Theatre on 
 Saturday, October 26, 1907, with the following cast : 
 
 Lady Frederick Berolles 
 Sir Gerald O'Mara 
 JSlR. Paradine "Fouldes 
 Marchioness op Mereston 
 Marquess of Mereston 
 Captain Montgomerie 
 Admiral Carlisle 
 Rose 
 
 Lady Frederick's Dressmaker 
 Lady Frederick's Footman 
 Lady Frederick's Maid 
 Thompson 
 
 Ethel Irvino 
 Edmund Breon 
 
 C. M. LOWNE 
 
 Beryl Faber 
 
 W. Graham Brown 
 
 Arthur Holmes-Gore 
 
 E. \y. Garden 
 
 Beatrice Terry 
 
 Florence Wood 
 
 Claude Vernon 
 
 Ina Felly 
 
 Reginald Eyre 
 
 A Waiter 
 
 Heath J. Haviland 
 
 ^ f\ r \ r^ ^^ , 
 
LADT PT^DERICK 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Lady Frkderick Berolles 
 
 Sir Gerald O'Mara 
 
 Mr. Faradinb Fouldes 
 
 Marchiokess op Mereston 
 
 Marquess of Mereston 
 
 Armiral Carlisle 
 
 Rose 
 
 Lady Frederick's Dressmaker 
 
 Lady Frederick's Footman 
 
 Lady Frederick's Maid 
 
 Thompson 
 
 A Waiter at the Hotel Splendide 
 
 Time : The Present Day 
 
 Acts I and Il^-Drawing-room at the Hotel 
 
 Splendide^ Monte Carlo. 
 Act IW— Lady Frederick's Dressing- Room 
 
 ril 
 
The Pcrforminfj TH'ilds of this pJay are 
 fully protected, and permission to perform 
 it, whether hy Amateurs or Professionals, 
 must be ohtained in advance from the 
 author's ^ole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 
 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, 
 W.C., from, whom all particulars can 
 be obtained. 
 
 Tlfl 
 
LADY FREDERICK 
 
 THE FIRST ACT 
 
 Scene : Drawing -room of the Hotel Splendideat Monte 
 Carlo. A large, handsomely furnished rooniy 
 with doors right and left, and French windows at 
 the hack leading to a terrace. Through these is 
 seen the starry southern night. On 07ie side is 
 a piano, on the other a table with papers neatly 
 laid out on it. There is a lighted stove. 
 
 Lady Mereston, in evening dress, rather magnificently 
 attired, is reading the papers. She is a handsome 
 woman of forty. She puts doivn the paper im- 
 patiently and rings the bell. A servant ansicers. 
 He has a French accent. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 Did Mr. Paradine Fouldes come this cvoniiig? 
 
 Servant, 
 
 Yes, luiladi. 
 
 1 A 
 
2 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Is he in the hotel now ? 
 
 Servant, 
 
 Yes, miladi. 
 
 Lady Merkston, 
 Will you Bend some one up to his room to say I'm 
 waiting to see him ? 
 
 Servant. 
 Pardon, miladi, but the gentleman say 'e was on no 
 nccount to be disturbed. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 Nonsense. Mr. Fonldes is my brother. You must 
 20 to him imme<liat»']v. 
 
 Servant. 
 Mr. Fouldes his valet is in the 'all. Will your 
 ladyship speak with him ? 
 
 Lady iSfERESTON. 
 Mr. Fouldes is more dilHcult to see than a cabinet 
 minister. Send liis servant to mo. 
 
 Servant. 
 
 Very good, miladi. 
 
 [Kxit SWi'dut, and jrresentltj Thompson, Mr. 
 Foulde.s' man, comes in. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 3 
 
 Thompson, 
 Your ladyship wished to see me. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 Good evening, Thompson. I hope you had a com- 
 fortable journey. 
 
 Thompson. 
 Yes, my lady. Mr. Fould^x always has a comfort- 
 able journey. 
 
 Lady Meeeston. 
 Was the sea calm when you crossed ? 
 
 Thompson. 
 Y^'es, my lady. Mr. Fouldes would look upon it as 
 a great liberty if the sea was not calm. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Will you tell Mr. Fouldes that 1 should like to see 
 him at once ? 
 
 Thompson. 
 \ Looking at his loatclu] Excuse m.e, my lady, but Mr. 
 Fouldes said no one was to disturb him till ten o clock. 
 It's more than my place is worth to go to him at five 
 minutes to. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 But what on earth's he doing ? 
 
4 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Thompson, 
 I don't know at all, my lady. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 How long have you been with Mr. Fouldes? 
 
 Thompson. 
 Twenty-five years, my lady. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 I should have thought you knew how lie spent 
 every minute of his day. 
 
 [Paradine comes in. He is a very well dressed 
 man of forty-odd. Self-possessed, icorhlly, 
 urbane. Ue is never at a loss or put out 
 of countenance. He overhears Lady 
 Mereston's last loords. 
 
 W 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 When I engaged Thompson I told him the first 
 thing he must learn was the very diilicult feat of 
 keeping his eyes open and shut at one and the same 
 time. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 My dear Paradine, I've been waiting to sec you for 
 the last two hours. How tii-esome you are. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You may give me a kiss, Maud, but don't be rough. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 5 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 [Kissing his cheek.] You ridiculous creature. You 
 really might have come to see me at once* 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 My dear, you cannot grudge me a little repose 
 after a long and tedious journey. I had to repair the 
 ravages to my person caused by twenty-seven hours 
 in the train. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Don't be so absurd. I'm sure your person is never 
 ravished, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Ravaged, my dear, ravaged. I should look upon it 
 as an affectation at my age if I were not a little upset 
 by the journey from London to Monte Carlo. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 I'll be bound you ate a very hearty dinner. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Thompson, did I eat any dinner at all ? 
 
 Thompson. 
 [Stolidlij,] Soup, sir. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 I remember looking at it. 
 
6 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 TuoMPbuN. 
 Fibli, .sir. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I trifled with a fried sole. 
 
 Thompson. 
 Bouchces a la KoiiR', sir. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 They have left absolutely no impression upon me. 
 
 Thompson. 
 Tournedos a la ^Splendide. 
 
 Ft)ULDES. 
 
 They were distinctly tough, Thompson. You mu^t 
 lodge a complaint in the proper quarter. 
 
 Thompson. 
 Roast pheasant, sir. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Yes, yes, now you mention it, I do reiDomher the 
 pheasant. 
 
 Thompson. 
 Chocolate ice sir. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 It was too cold, Thompson, It was distinctly too 
 cold. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 7 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 My dear Paiadiiie, I think you dined uncommonly 
 well. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I have reached an age when love, ambition and 
 wealth pale into insignificance beside a really well- 
 grilled steak. That'll do, Thompson. 
 
 Thompson. 
 
 Very well, sir. 
 
 \He goes out. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 It's too bad of you, Paradine, to devour a sub- 
 stantial meal when I'm eating out my very heart with 
 anxiety, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 It seems to agree with you very well. I've not 
 seen you look better for years. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 For heaven's sake be serious and listen to mo. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I started immediately I got your telegram. Pray 
 tell me what I can do for you ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 My dear Paradine, Charlie's head over ears in love. 
 
8 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 It's not altof,'ether an unexpected condition for a 
 young man of twenty-two. If the lady's respectable, 
 marry him and resign yourself to being a dowager. 
 If she's not, give her five hundred pounds and puck 
 her oflF to Paris or London or wherever else she 
 habitually practises her arts and graces. 
 
 Lady Meueston. 
 I wish I could. But who d'you think it is'i 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 My dear, there's nothing I detest more than 
 riddles. I can imagine quite a number of fair ladies 
 who would look without disdain upon a young 
 marquess with fifty thousand a year. 
 
 Lady Meueston. 
 Lady Frederick Berolles. 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 By Jupiter! 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 She's fifteen years older than he is. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Then .she's not old enough to be his mother, which 
 is a distinct advant;ige. 
 
 Lady Meueston 
 She dyes her hair. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 9 
 
 i^'uULDES. 
 
 She dyes it uncommonly well. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 She paints. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Much better than a Royal Academician. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 And poor Charlie's simply infatuated. He rides 
 with her all the morning, motors with her all the 
 afternoon, and gambles with her half the night. 1 
 never see him, 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 But why should you think Lady Frederick cares 
 two straws for him '< 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Don't be ridiculous, Paradine. Every one knows 
 she hasn't a penny, and she's crippled with debts. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 One has to keep up appearances in this world. Life 
 nowadays for the woman of fashion is a dilemma of 
 which one horn is the Bankruptcy Court and the other 
 — dear Sir Francis Jeune, 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 I wish I knew how she manages to dress so beauti- 
 fully. It's one of the injustices of fate that clothes | 
 
10 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 (only hang on a woman really well when she's lost every 
 ishred of reputation. 
 
 FOULIES. 
 
 My dear, you must console 3 ourself with the thought 
 that she'll probably frizzle for it hereafter. 
 
 Lady Mekeston, 
 
 I hope I'm not wicked, Paradine, but to wear 
 draperies and wings in the next world oHbrs me no 
 compensation for looking dowdy in a Paquin gown in 
 this. 
 
 I'OULDES. 
 
 I surmised she was on the verge of bankruptcy 
 when I heard she'd bought a new motor. And you 
 seriously think Charlie wants to marry her ? 
 
 Lady Mekeston. 
 I'm sure of it, 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 And what d'you want me to do ? 
 
 Lady Mekeston. 
 
 Good heavens, I want you to prevent it. After all 
 he has a magnificdit position ; he's got every cliance 
 of making a career for himself. There's no reiison 
 why lie shouldn't be Pnme Minister — it's not fair to 
 the boy to let him marry a woman like that. 
 
 Foi'ldes. 
 Of course you know Lady Frederick ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK XX 
 
 LiDY Meueston. 
 My dear Paradine, we're the greatest friends. You 
 don't suppose I'm going to give her the advantage of 
 quarrelling with me. I think I shall ask her to 
 luncheon to meet you. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Women have such an advantage over men in aflfairs 
 of this sort. They're troubled by no scruples, and, 
 like George Washington, never hesitate to He. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 I look upon her as an abandoned creature, and I tell 
 you frankly I shall stop at nothing to save my son 
 from her clutches. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Only a thoroughly good woman could so calmly 
 announce her intention of using the crookedest ways 
 to gain her ends. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 [Looking at him.] There must be some incident in 
 her career which she wouldn't like raked up. If we 
 could only get hold of that, . . . 
 
 I 
 Fouldes. 
 
 [Blandly.] How d'you imagine I can help you ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 A reformed burglar is always the best detective. 
 
 I 
 
la LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FouLDEs. 
 
 My dear, I wish you could be frank without being 
 sententious. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 You've run through two fortunes, and if we all got 
 our deserts you would be starving now instead of being 
 richer than ever. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 My second cousins have a knack of dying at the 
 psychological moment. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 You've been a horrid, dissipated wretch all your 
 life, and he:;ven knows the disreputable people who've 
 been your bosom friends. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 With my knowledge of the world and your entire 
 lack of scruple we should certainly be a match for one 
 defenceless woman. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 \Lool'infjat him sharp}}/.] Common report says that 
 at one time you were very much in love with her. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Common report is an ass whoso long ears only catch 
 its own braying. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 13 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 I was wondering how far things went. If you 
 could tell Charlie of the relations between you. . . . 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 My good Maud, there were no relations — unfor- 
 tunately. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Poor George was very uneasy about you at the 
 time. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Your deceased husband, being a strictly religious 
 man, made a point of believing the worst about his 
 neighbours. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Don't, Paradine ; I know you didn't like one another, 
 but remember that I loved him with all my heart. I 
 shall never get over his death. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 My dear girl, you know I didn't mean to wound you. 
 
 Lady Mereston. ' 
 
 After all, it was largely your fault. lie was 
 deeply religious, and as the president of the Broad 
 Church Union he couldn't countenance your mode of 
 life 
 
 Fouldes. 
 [With great 7inctio7i.] Thnnk God in my day I've 
 beeu a miserable sinner 1 
 
14 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 [LaiKjhing.] You're quite incurable, Paradine. But 
 you will help me now. Since his father's death, the 
 boy and I have lived a very retired life, and now we're 
 quite helpless. It would break my heart if Charlie 
 married that woman. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I'll do my best. I think I can promise you that 
 notliing will come of it. 
 
 [The door is Jluny o])en, and Lady Frederick 
 enters^ folloived by Merestox, a youiig 
 boyish man of twenty-iwo ; hy her hrothti\ 
 Sir Gerald O'Mara, a handsome fellow of 
 six-and-ticenty ; by Captain Montgomekie, 
 Admiral Carlisle, aTid Rose, his daughter. 
 Lady Frederick is a handsome Irish 
 vwman of thirty to thirty-five, ' ^^utifully 
 dressed. She is very vivaciouSy . light- 
 hearted. She has all the Irish '^'..nclessne'^s 
 and unconcern for the morrov. ' Whenever 
 she wa)its to get round anybody she f<d(s 
 into an Irish brogue, and then, as she knoivs 
 very iveli, she is quite inrsistible. Captain 
 Montgomerie is a polished, icell-groomed 
 man of thirty jive, ivith suave manjiers. 
 TuE Admiral is bluff and downrigJd. 
 llOSE is a pj'etty ingenue of nineteen. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Here they are. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 15 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Enthusiastically going to him loith open ar^ns,] 
 Paradine ! Paradine ! Paradine ! 
 
 Mereston. 
 Oh, my prophetic soul, mine uncle T 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Shaking hands vnth Lady Frederick.] I heard 
 you were at the Casino. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Charlie lost all his money, so I brought him away. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 I wish you wouldn't gamble, Charlie dear. 
 
 Mereston. 
 My dear^mother, I've only lost ten thousand francs. 
 
 '' Lady Frederick. 
 
 [To Paradine Fouldes.] I see you're in your usual 
 robust health. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You needn't throw it in my face. I shall probably 
 be very unwell to-morrow. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 D'you know Admiral Carlisle ? This is my brother 
 Gerald. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 [Shaking hands.'] How d'you do? 
 
t6 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 LaDV FllEDEUICK. 
 
 [Introchiciyig.] Captain Montgomerie. 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I think we've met before. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I'm very pleased to hear it. How d'you do. [To 
 Me KESTON.] Are you having a good time in Monte 
 Carlo, Charles ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 A 1, thanks. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 And what do you do with yourself ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Oh, hang about generally, you know — nnd there's 
 always the tables. 
 
 F0ULDE3. 
 
 That's right, my boy; I'm glad to see that you 
 prepare yourself properly for your duties as a 
 iiereditary legislator. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 [LaughiiKj.] Oh, shut it. Uncle Paradine. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I rejoice also to find that you have already a 
 certain command of the vernacular. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Well, if you can brow])eat a Tendon cabby and 
 hold your own in repartee with a barmaid, it oughtn't 
 to be difficult to get on all right in the House of Lords. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 17 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 T>ut lot rac give you a solemn warning. You have 
 a magnijBcent cliance, dear boy, with all the 
 advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you not 
 to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. Tho 
 field is clear and the British people are waiting for 
 a leader. But remember tliat the British people 
 like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust, 
 versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly 
 abhor. Look at the fate of poor Lord Parnaby, His 
 urbanity gained him the premiership, but his 
 brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes 
 of the nation be safe with a man whose speeches were 
 pointed and sparkling, whose mind was so quick, so 
 agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play ? Every 
 one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and 
 unsubstantial ; we doubt his principles and we have 
 grave fears about his morality. Take warning, my 
 dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram 
 never lighten the long periods of your speech nor the 
 Attic salt flavour the roast beef of your conversation. 
 Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination 
 and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable 
 secret. Above all, if you have a sense of humour, 
 crush it. Crush it. 
 
 Mereston. 
 My dear uncle, you move me very much. I will 
 bo as stupid as an owl. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 There's a good, brave boy. 
 
1 8 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Mereston. 
 I will bu heavy and tedious. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I sec already the riband of the Garter adorning 
 your shirt-front. Remember, there's no damned 
 merit about that. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 None shall listen to my speeches without falling 
 into a profound sleep. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 \^Seizing his hand,] The premiership itself is within 
 your grasp. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Dear Paradine, let us take a stroll on the terrace 
 before we go to bed. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 And you shall softly whisper all the latest scandal 
 in my ear, 
 
 [ZTe puts on hei' cloak and they yo out. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 May I speak to you, Admiral? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Certainly, certainly. AVhat can I do for 5'ou ? 
 
 \]Vhile Lady Frederick and the Admiral ^z^^-, 
 the others go slowly out. Through the 
 conversation she nses hei' Irish brogue. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 19 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Are you in a good temper ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 Fairly, fairly. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'm glad of that because I want to make you a 
 proposal of marriage. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 My dear Lady Frederick, you take me entirely by 
 surprise. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Laicghmg.] Not on my own behalf, you know. 
 
 Admiral. 
 Oh, I see. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 The fact is, my brother Gerald has asked your 
 daughter to marry him, and she has accepted. 
 
 Admiral. 
 Rose is a minx. Lady Frederick, and she's much 
 too young to marry. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Now don't fly into a passion. We're going to talk 
 it over quite calmly. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I tell you I won't hear of it. The boy's penniless. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That's why it's so lucky you're rich. 
 
20 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 Eh? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You've been talkinf,' of buyiiif,' a place in Irolnnd. 
 You couldn't want anything nicer tlian CeraldV — 
 gravel soil, you know. And you simi)ly dote on 
 Elizabethan architecture 
 
 Admiral. 
 I can't bear it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 IIovv fortunate, then, that the house wns l)urnt 
 down in the eighteenth century and rebuilt in the 
 best Georgian style. 
 
 Admiral. 
 Ugh. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 And you'd love to have little grandsons to dandle 
 on your knee. 
 
 Admiral. 
 How do 1 know they wouldn't be girls? 
 
 Ladi' Frederick. 
 Oh, it's most unusual in our family. 
 
 Admiral. 
 T toll you I won't hear of it. 
 
 Lady Fredehick. 
 
 You know, it's not bad to have the oldest baronofry 
 in the country but one. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 21 
 
 Admiral. 
 I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 And break her heart ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse i 
 for a break or two. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Did you ever know my husband, Admiral ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I was married to him at seventeen because my 
 mother thought it a good match, and I was des- 
 perately in love with another man. Before we'd 
 been married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, 
 and I had never seen a drunken man before. Then 
 I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was so 
 ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the 
 ten years I lived with him. I've done a lot of foolish 
 things in my time, but, my God, I have suffered. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Yes, I know, I know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 And believe me, when two young things love one 
 another it's better to let them many. Love is so 
 very rare in this world. One really ought to make 
 the most of it when it's there. 
 
22 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind. 
 
 Lady Fiiederick. 
 Ab, but won't you alter it — like Nelson. Don't be 
 bard on Kose. Sbe's really in love witli (leraUl. Do 
 give tbem a cbance. Won't you ? Ab, do — tbere'a a 
 dear. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I don't want to burt your feelings, but Sir Gerald 
 i.s about tbe most ineligible young man that I've ever 
 come across. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Triumphayithj.] There, I knew we should agree. 
 That's precisely what I told him tliis morning. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I understand his place is heavily mortgaged. 
 
 Lady Fhederick. 
 No one will lend a penny more on it. If they 
 would Gerald would borrow it at once. 
 
 Admiral. 
 He's got nothing but his pay to live upon. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 And his tastes are very extravagant. 
 
 Admiral. 
 He's a gambler. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 23 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Yes, but then he's so good looking. 
 
 Admiral. 
 Eh? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'm glad thcat we agree so entirely about him. Now 
 there's nothing left but to call the young things in, 
 join their hands and give them our united blessing. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I'll see 
 your brother 
 
 Lady Frederickj 
 Damned ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Yes, madam, damned. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Now listen to me quietly, will you ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I 
 once make up my mind about a thing, I never 
 change it. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 Now that is what I really admire. I like a man 
 of character. You know, I've always been impressed 
 by your strength and determination. 
 
24 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I don't know about that. But when I say a thitjsr, 
 J do it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Yes, I know. And in five minutes you're going to 
 say that Gerald may marry your pretty Rose. 
 
 Admiral. 
 No, no, no. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Now look here, don't be obstinate. I don't like 
 you when you're obstinate. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I'm not obstinate. I'm firm. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 After all, Gerald has lots of good qualities. He's 
 simply devoted to your daughter, lie's been a little 
 wild, but you know you wouldn't give much for a 
 young man who hadn't. 
 
 Admiral, 
 
 [Griiffli/.] I don't want a milksop for a son-in- 
 law. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 As soon as he's married, he'll settle into a model 
 country squire. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Well, he's u gambler, and I can't get over that. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 25 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Shall he promise you never to play cards again ? 
 Now, don't be horrid. You don't want to make me 
 utterly wretched, do you ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 [Untoillinghj,] Well, I'll tell you what I'll do— 
 they shall marry if he doesn't gamble for a year. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, you duck. [She impulsively throws her arms 
 round his neck and kisses him. He is a good deal 
 taken aback,] I beg your pardon, I couldn't help it. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I don't altogether object, you know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Upon my word, in some ways you're rather 
 fascinating. 
 
 Admiral. 
 D'you think so, really ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I do indeed. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I rather wish that proposal of marriage had been 
 on your own behalf. 
 
26 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick^ 
 
 All, with me, dear Admiral, experience triumphs 
 over hope. I must tell the children. [Calling.] 
 Gerald, come here. Rose, 
 
 [Gerald and Rose come in. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I always knew your father was a perfect darling, 
 Rose. 
 
 Rose, 
 Oh, papa, you are a brick. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I thoroughly disapprove of the marriage, my dear, 
 
 but — it's not easy to say no to Lady Frederick. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 It's awfully good of you. Admiral, and I'll do my 
 best to make Rose a ripping husband. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Not so fast, young man, not so fast. There's a 
 condition. 
 
 Rose, 
 Oh, father I 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Gerald is to behave himself for a year, and then 
 you may mai ry. 
 
 UosE, 
 
 But won't Gerald grow very dull if he behaves 
 himself ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 27 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 I have no doubt of it. But dullness is the first 
 requisite of a good husband. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Now you must pack off to bed, my dear. I'm going 
 to smoke my pipe before turning in. 
 
 KosE. 
 
 [Kissing Lady Frederick.] Good-night, dearest. 
 I'll never forget your kindness. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You'd better not thank me till you've been married 
 a few yearsi 
 
 Rose. 
 
 [HolcUng out her hand to Gerald.] Good-night. 
 
 Gerald. 
 \Taking it and looking at her.] Good-night. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 [Gruffli/.] You may as well do it in front of my 
 face as behind my back. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 [Lifting up her lips.] Good-night. 
 
 [lie kisses her, and the Admiral and Rose 
 go out. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh lord, I wish I were eighteen. 
 
 [She sinks into a chair, and an exj^rssion oj 
 utter weariness comes over her face. 
 
28 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Gerald. 
 I say, what's up ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Starl'u}(j.^ I thouglit youVl gone. Nothing, 
 
 Gerald. 
 Come, out with it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Oh, my poor boy, if you only knew. I'm so worried 
 that I don't know what on earth to do. % 
 
 Gerald. 
 Money ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Last year I made a solemn determination to be 
 economical. And it's ruined me. 
 
 Gerald. 
 My dear, how could it? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 I can't make it out. It seems very unfair. The 
 more I tried not to be extravagant, the more I spent. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Can't you borrow ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Lavr/himj.] I have borrowed. That's just it. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Well, borrow again. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 29 
 
 I;ADY Frederick. 
 I've tried to. But no one's such a fool as to lend 
 me a penny. 
 
 Gerald, 
 
 Did you say I'd sign anything they liked ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I was so desperate I said we'd both sign anything. 
 It was Dick Cohen. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Oh lord, what did he say ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Imitating a Jeioish accent.] What's the good of 
 wathting a nithe clean sheet of paper, my dear lady ? 
 
 Gerald. 
 [Shouting with laughter.] By George, don't I 
 know it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 For heaven's sake don't let's talk of my affairs. 
 They're in such a state that if I think of them at all 
 I shall have a violent fit of hysterics. 
 
 Gerald. 
 But look here, what d'you really mean ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, if you want it — I owe my dressmaker seven 
 hundred pounds, and last year I signed two horrid 
 bills, one for fifteen hundred and the other for two 
 thousand. They fall due the day after to-morrow, 
 
30 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 .'ind if I can't raise the money 1 shall have to go 
 
 tiiiough the Bankruptcy Court. 
 
 GtrALD. 
 
 By George, tluit's serious. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It's so serious that I can't help thinking some- 
 thing will happen. Whenever I've got in a really 
 tight fix, something has turned up and put me on my 
 le^'s again. Last time, Aunt Elizabeth had an 
 apoplectic fit. But of course it wasn't really very 
 prulitable because mourning is so desperately ex- 
 pensive. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Why don't you marry? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, my dear Gerald, you know I'm always unlucky 
 at g.imes of chance. 
 
 Gerald, 
 Charlie Mereston's awfully gone on you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That must bo obvious to the meanest intelligence. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Well, why don't you have him ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Good heavens, I'm old enough to bo liis mother. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 31 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Nonsense. You're only ten years older than he is, 
 and nowadays no nice young man marries a woman 
 younger than himself. 
 
 Lady Feederick. 
 
 He's such a good fellow. I couldn't do him a 
 nasty turn like that. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 How about Montgomerie? He simply stinks of 
 money, and he's not a bad sort. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Swp'ised.] My dear boy, I hardly know him, 
 
 Gerald. 
 Well, I'm afraid it means marriage or bankruptcy. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 Here's Charlie. Take him away, there's a dear. I 
 want to talk to Paradine. 
 
 JiJnte?' Paradine Fouldes with Mereston, 
 
 Fouldes. 
 What, still here, Lady Frodeiick? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 As large as life. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 We've been taking a turn on the terrace. 
 
32 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [To Mereston.] And has your astute uncle been 
 pumping you, Charlie ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Eh, what? 
 
 Mereston, 
 
 1 don't think he got much out of mo. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 [Good-naturedbj.] All I wanted, dear boy. Tliere's 
 no one so transparent as the person who thinks he's 
 devilish deep. By the way, what's the time? 
 
 Gerald. 
 About eleven, isn't it? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Ah ! llow old are you, Charlie? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Twenty-two. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Tlien it's high time you went to bed. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Charlie's not going to bed till I tell him. Are you? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Of course not. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, 
 that 1 want to talk to Lady Frederick ^ 
 
LADY FREDERICK 33 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that 
 Lady Frederick wants to talk to you. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Let's go and have a game of pills, Charlie. 
 
 Mereston. 
 D'you want to be left alone with the old villain ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I've not seen him for years, you know. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Oh, all right, I say, you're coming for a ride to- 
 morrow, aren't you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I'm sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me 
 over to Nice in the afternoon. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 [To Lady Frederick.] That'll suit me A 1. I 
 hud an engagement, but it was quite unimportant. 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 Then that's settled. Good-night. 
 
34 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Mereston. 
 Good-night. 
 
 [lie (joes out with Gerald. Lady Frederick 
 tu7'ns and cjood-humouredhj scrulinises 
 Paradine Fouldes. 
 
 Well? 
 
 Well ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You wear excellently, Paraiine. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Thanks. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 How do you manage it ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 I By getting up late and never going to bed early, 
 fby eating whatever I like and drinking whenever I'm 
 if thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking no exercise, 
 ' and refusing under any circumstances to be bored. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'm sorry you had to leave town in such a hui ry. 
 Were you amusing yourself ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 I come to the Riviera every year. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 35 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 I daresay, but not so early. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I've never surrendered so far to middle r.ge as to 
 make habits. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 My dear Paradino, the day before yesterday, Lady 
 Mereston, quite distracted, went to the post office 
 and sent you the following wire: "Come at once, 
 your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing 
 female, Maud." Am I right? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed ^ 
 woman is mistaken. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting 
 your nephew, and were infinitely surprised to learn 
 that the designing female was no other than your 
 humble servant, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You'd be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn't 
 know you were so clever. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 And n^w what are you going to do? 
 
36 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 My dear lady, I'm not a police officer, but a very 
 harmless, inoffensive old bachelor. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 With more wiles than the mother of many daughters 
 and the subtlety of a comj^any promoter, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Maud seems to think that as I've racketted about a 
 little in my time, I'm just the sort of man to deal 
 with you. Set a thief to catch a thief, don't you 
 know ^ She's rather fond of proverbs. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 She should have thought rather of: When Greek 
 meets Greek, then comes the tug of war. I hear 
 Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable 
 things about me. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Ah, that's women's fault ; they always show their 
 hand. You're the only woman I ever knew who 
 didn't. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [With a brogue.] You should have avoided the 
 lilarney Stone when you went to Ireland, 
 
 FOULUES. 
 
 Look here, d'you want to marry Charlie ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 37 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why should I ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Because he's got fifty thousand a year, and you're 
 head over ears in debt. You've got to raise some- 
 thing like four thousand pounds at once, or you go 
 under. You've got yourself a good deal talked about 
 during the last ten years, but people have stood you 
 because you had plenty of money. If you go broke 
 they'll drop you like a hot potato. And I daresay it 
 wouldn't be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick 
 iierolles into Lady Mereston. My sister has always 
 lad me to believe that it is rather attractive to be a 
 Marchioness. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You asked me why you might want to marry a 
 boy from ten to fifteen years younger than yourself, 
 and I've told you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 And now perhaps you'll tell me why you're going 
 to interfere in my private concerns ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, 
 and I'm rather fond of her. It's true her husband 
 was the most sanctimonious prig I've ever met in my 
 life. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fuedkrick. 
 
 I rcni ember him well. He was president of the 
 Broad Church UDion and wore side-whiskers. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I've 
 bi'on in some pretty tight places in my day, and she's 
 always given me a leg up when I wanted it. I've got 
 an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie 
 married you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Thanks. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 You know, I don't want to be offensive, but I think 
 it would be a pity myself. And besides, unless I'm 
 much mistaken, I've got a little score of my own that 
 I want to pay off. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Have you ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 You've got a good enough memory not to have 
 forgotten that you made a blithering fool of me once. 
 I swore I'd get even with you, and by George, 1 mean 
 to do it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [LaiKjhimj .] And how do you propose to stop me 
 if r make up my mind that I'm going to accept 
 Charlie? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 39 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Well, he's Qot proposed yet, has he ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Not yet, but I've had to use every trick and device 
 I can think of to prevent him. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Look here, I'm going to play this game with my 
 cards on the table. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Then I shall be on my guard. You're never so 
 dangerous as when you pretend to be frank. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I'm sorry you should think so badly of me. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I don't. Only it was a stroke of genius when 
 Nature put the soul of a Jesuit priest into the body 
 of a Yorkshire squire. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I wonder what you're paying me compliments for. 
 You must be rather afraid of me. 
 
 {They look at one another for a moment. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Well, let's look at these cards. 
 
40 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 First of all, there's this money you've got to raise. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Well ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 This is my sister's suggestion. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That means you don't much like it. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 If you'll refuse the boy and clear out— we'll give 
 you forty thousand pounds. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I suppose you'd be rather surprised if I boxed your 
 ears. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Now, look here, between you and mo high falutin's 
 rather absurd, don't you think so ? You're in desperate 
 want of money, and I don't suppose it would amuse 
 you much to have a young hobbledehoy hanging about 
 your skirts for the rest of your life. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Very well, we'll have no hi^di falutin ! You may 
 tell Lady Moreston that if I really wanted the monoy 
 I shouldn't be such an idiot as to take forty thousiuul 
 down when I can have fifty thousand a year for the 
 asking. 
 
LADY FREDERICK ^i 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 1 told her that. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 You showed great perspicacity. Now for the second 
 card, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 My dear, it's no good getting into a paddy over it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I've never been calmer in my life. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You always had the very deuce of a temper. I 
 suppose you've not given Charlie a sample of it yet, 
 have you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Laughing,] Not yet. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Well, the second card's your reputation. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 But I haven't got any. 1 thought that such an 
 advantage. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You see Charlie is a young fool. He tliinks you a 
 paragon of all the virtues, and it's never occurred to 
 him that you've rather gone the pace in your time. 
 
42 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fkkderick. 
 
 It's one of my greatest consolations to think that 
 even a huntlrod horse-power racing motor couldn't be 
 more rapid than I've been, 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Still it'll be rather a shock to Charlie when he hears 
 that this modest flower whom he trembles to adore 
 has. . . . 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Very nearly eloped with his own uncle. But you 
 won't tell him that story because you hate looking a 
 perfect ass. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Madam, when duty calls, Paradine Fouldes con- 
 sents even to look ridiculous. But I was thinking 
 of the Bellingham aflair. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Ah, of course, there's the Bellingham affair. I'd 
 forgotten it. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Nasty little business that, eh ? 
 
 Lady FredericKi 
 Horrid, 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Don't you think it would choke him off? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I think it very probable. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 43 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Well, hadn't you better cave in ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Ringing the hell] Ah, but you've not seen my 
 cards yet. [A servant enters.] Tell my servant to 
 bring down the despatch-box which is on my writing- 
 table. 
 
 Servant, 
 Yes, miladi. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 "What's up now ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Well, four or five years ago I was staying at this 
 hotel, and Mimi la Bretonne had rooms here, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I never heard of the lady, but her name suggests 
 that she had an aflectionate nature. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 She was a little singer at the Folies Bergeres, and 
 she had the loveliest emeralds I ever saw. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 But you don't know Maud's. 
 
44 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 
 The late Lord Mereston had a passion for emeralds. 
 Ho always thought they were such pure stones. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Quickly.] I beg your pardon ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, Mimi fell desperately ill, and there was no one 
 to look after her. Of course the pious English ladies 
 in the hotel wouldn't go within a mile of her, so I 
 went and did the usual thing, don't you know. 
 
 [Lady Frederick's tncm comes in ivith a small 
 despatch-box ichich he places on a table. He 
 goes out. Lady Frederick as she talks^ 
 unlocks it, 
 
 FoULDEg. 
 
 Thank God I'm a bachelor, and no ministering 
 angel ever smoothes my pillow when I particularly 
 want to be left alone. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 1 nursed her more or less through the whole illness, 
 and afterwards she fancied she owed nie her worthless 
 little life. She wanted to give mo the precious 
 emeralds, and when I refused was so heart-broken 
 that 1 said J'd take one thing if T might. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 45 
 
 FoULDESb 
 
 And what was that ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 A bundle of letters. I'd seen the address on the 
 back of the envelope, and then I recognised the writing. 
 I thought they'd be much safer in my hands than in 
 hers. [She takes them out of the box and hands them to 
 Paradine.] Here they are. 
 
 [ITe looks and starts violently. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 89 Grosvenor Square. It's Mereston's writing. 
 You don't mean? What! Ah, ah, ah. [He hursts 
 into a shout of laughter.'] The old sinner. And 
 Mereston wouldn't have me in the house, if you please, 
 because I was a dissolute libertine, And he was the 
 president of the Broad Church Union. Good Lord, 
 how often have I heard him say : "Gentlemen, I take 
 my stand on the morality, the cleanliness and the 
 purity of English Family Life." Oh, oh, oh. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 I've often noticed that the religious temperament 
 is very susceptible to the charms of my sex, 
 
 Fouldes. 
 May I look ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Well, I don't know. I suppose so. 
 
46 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 \Iicndin(j.] *' Heart's dcliijlit " . , , And he signs 
 liinisc'lf, " your darling chickabiddy." The okl 
 rulhan. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 She was a very pretty little thing. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I daresay, but thank heaven, I have some sense of 
 decency left, and it outrages all my susceptibilities 
 that a man in t ide-whiskers should call himself any- 
 body's chickabic ly. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Protestations of undying affection are never 
 ridiculous when they are accompanied by such 
 splendid emeralds. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 [Starting and gi'oiving suddenly serions.^ And what 
 about Maud ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Well ? ■ 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 Poor girl, it'd simply break her heart. lie 
 preached at her steadily for twenty years, and she 
 worshipped the very ground he trod on. Slie'd have 
 died of grief at his death except she felt it her duty 
 to go on with his work. 
 
 Lady KiiKUEuiCK, 
 1 know. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 47 
 
 B'OULDES. 
 By Jove, it's a good card. You were quite riglit 
 to refuse the emeralds: these letters are twice as 
 valuable. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Would you hke to burn them? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Betsy I 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 There's the stove. Put them in. 
 
 [He takes them up in loth hands and hurries to 
 the stove. But he stops and hrings them 
 hachy he throws them on the sofa. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 No, I won't. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why not? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 It's too dooced crenerous. I'll fight you tooth and 
 nail, but it's not fair to take an advantage over me 
 like'that. You'll bind my hands with fetters. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Very well. You've had your chance. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 But, by Jove, you must have a good hand to throw 
 away 'a card like that. What have you got— a 
 straight flush ? 
 
48 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I may bo only bluffing, you know. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Lord, it does me good to Lear your nice old Irish 
 brogue again. 
 
 Lady Fredeuick. 
 Faith, and does it? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I believe you only put it on to get over people. 
 
 Lady FiiedericKt 
 [Smiling,'] Begorrah, it's not easy to get over you. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Lord, I was in love with you once, wasn't I ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Not more than lots of other people have been. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 And you did treat me abominably. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Ah, that's what they all said. 15ut you i:ot over it 
 very well. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 49 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I didn't. My digestion was permanently impaired 
 by your brutal treatment. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Is that why you went to Carlsbad afterwards instead 
 of the Rocky Mountains ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You may laugh, but the fact remains that I've only 
 been in love once, and that was with you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Smiling as she holds out her hand.] Good-night. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 For all that I'm going to fight you now for all I'm 
 worth. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm not frightened of you, Paradine. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Good-night. 
 
 [As he goes out, Captain Montgomerie enters. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Yaivning and stretching her arms.] Oh I'm so 
 sleepy. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I'm sorry for that, I wanted to have a talk with 
 you. 
 
50 
 
 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Smilin'f.] I daresay I can keep awake for five 
 minutes, you know — especially if you oiler me a 
 cigarette. 
 
 Captain Montgomekie. 
 
 Here you are. 
 
 [He hands her his case and liyhts her cigarette. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 [With a sicjh.] Oh, what a comfort. 
 
 Captain Moxtgomerie. 
 
 I wanted to tell you, I had a letter this morning 
 from my solicitor to say that he's just bought 
 Crowley Castle on my behalf. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Really. But it's a lovely place. You must ask 
 me to come and stay. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I should like you to stay there indefinitely. 
 
 Lady Fkedeuick. 
 [With a quick look.] That's charming of you, but 
 I never desert my London long. 
 
 Captain Montgomerik. 
 [Sniiliiuj,] I have a very nice house in I'ortman 
 Square. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 51 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Surpised.] Really? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 And I'm thinking of going into Parliament at the 
 next election. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It appears to be a very delightful pastime to govern 
 the British nation, dignified without being laborious. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Lady Frederick, although I've been in the service 
 I have rather a good head for busine£:S, and I hate 
 beating about the bush. I wanted to ask you to 
 marry me. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It's nice of you not to make a fuss about it. I'm 
 very much obliged but I'm afraid I can't. 
 
 Captain Montgomerib. 
 Why not? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Well, you see, I don't know you. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 We could spend the beginning of our married life 
 so usefully in making one another's acquaintance. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It would be rather late in the day then to come to 
 the conclusion that we couldn't bear the sifjht of one 
 another. 
 
^2 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Shall I send my banker's book so that you may see 
 Ihat my antecedents are respectable and my circum- 
 stances—such as to inspire affection. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I have no doubt it would be very interesting — 
 
 but not to me. 
 
 [She makes as if to f/c. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Ah, don't go yet. Wont you give me 5ome 
 reason ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 If you insist. I'm not in the least in love with 
 you. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 D'you think that much matters ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're a friend of Gerald's, and he says you're a 
 very gojd sort. But I really can't marry every one 
 tint Gerald rather likes. 
 
 Captain Montgomi-rie. 
 He said he'd put in a good word for me. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 If I ever marry again it sliall be to please myself, 
 not to please my brother. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 53 
 
 Captain Montgomerii?. 
 I hope I shall induce you to alter your mind. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm afraid I can give you no hope of that. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 You know, when I determine to do a thing, I 
 
 o-eneially do it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 That sounds very like a threat. 
 
 Captain Mo.ntgomerie. 
 You may take it as such if you please. 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 And you've made up your mind that you're going 
 
 to marry me ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 Quite. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, I've made up mine that you shan't. So 
 
 we're quits. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 Why don't you talk to your brother about it ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Because it's no business of his. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Isn't it ? Ask him I 
 
34 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 What do you mean by that ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Ask liim ? Good-ni<<ht. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Good-night. [He goes out. Lady Frederick goes 
 to the French window that leads to the terrace and 
 calls.] Gerald ! 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Ilulloal [He appears and comes into the room. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Did you know that Captain Montgomerie was going 
 to propose to me ? 
 
 Gerald. 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Is there any reason why I should marry him ? 
 
 Gerald. 
 Only that I owe him nine hundred pounds. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Aghast.] Oh, why didn't you toll me? 
 
 Gerald. 
 You were so worrictl, 1 couldn't. Oh, I've been 
 such a fool. I tried to make a coup for Rose's sake. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 55 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Is it a gambling debt? 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Ironiccdhj.] What they call a debt of honour? 
 
 Gerald. 
 I must pay it the day after to-morrow without fail. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 But that's the day my two bills fall due. And if 
 
 you don't ? 
 
 •^ Gerald. 
 
 I shall have to send in my papers, and I shall lose 
 Rosie. And then I shall blow out my silly brains. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 But who is the man ? 
 
 Gerald. 
 lie's the son of Aaron Levitzki, the money-lender. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Half-comiCy half-ayhast.] Oh lord! 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT 
 
THE SECOND ACT 
 
 Tne scene is the same as in Act I. Admiral Carlisle 
 is sleeping In an armchair with a handkerchiej 
 over his face, KoSE is silting on a grandfathers 
 cliair, and Gerald is leaning over the back. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Isn't papa a perfectly adorable cliaperon ? 
 
 [The Admiral snores, 
 
 Gerald. 
 Perfectly. [^ pause. 
 
 Rose. 
 I've started fifteen topics of conversation in the 
 last quarter of an hour, Gerald, 
 
 Gerald, 
 [Smiling.] Have you ? 
 
 Rose. 
 You alw.iys agree with luo, and there's an vnd of 
 it. So I have to rack my brains again. 
 56 
 
LADY FREDERICK 57 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 All you say is so very wise and sensible. Of course 
 I agree. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 I wonder if you'll think me sensible and wise in 
 ten years, 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 I'm quite sure I shall. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Why, then, I'm afraid we shan't cultivate any great 
 brilliancy of repartee. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Oh, don't say that. When a man's in love, he at 
 once makes a pedestal of the Ten Commandments 
 and stands on the top of them with his arms akimbo. 
 When a woman's in love she doesn't care two straws 
 for Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 When a woman's in love she can put her heart on 
 the slide of a microscope and examine how it beats. 
 When a man's in love, what do you think he cares 
 for science and philosophy and all the rest of it I 
 
 Rose. 
 
 When a mnn's in love ho can only write sonnets to 
 the moon. When a woman's in love she can still cook 
 his dinner and darn her own stockings. 
 
58 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 I wish you wouldn't cap all my observations. 
 
 [She lifts up her face, and he kisses her lips. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 I'm beginning to think you're rather nice, you 
 laiow. 
 
 Gerald. 
 That's reassuring, at all events. 
 
 EosE. 
 
 But no one could accuse you of being a scintillating 
 talker. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Have you ever watched the lovers in the Park 
 sitting on the benches hour after hour without saying 
 a word ? 
 
 Hose. 
 
 Why ? 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Because I've always thought that they must be 
 bored to the verge of tears. Now I know they're 
 only happy. 
 
 ROSB. 
 
 You're certainly my soldier, so I suppose Pm your 
 nursery-maid, 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 You know, when 1 was at Trinity College, 
 Dublin 
 
LADY FREDERICK 59 
 
 Rose. 
 [Interrupting.] Were you there? I thought you 
 went to Oxford. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 No, why ? 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Only all my people go to Magdalen. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 And I've decided that if I ever have a son he shall 
 go there^^o.^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^ kandJcerchief 
 off his face The others do not notice him. 
 He is aghast and astounded at the conversa- 
 tion. Lady Frederick comes in later and 
 stands smiling as she listens. 
 
 Gerald. 
 My darling, you know I hate to thwart you in any 
 way ,lut rve'quite made up my mind that my son shall 
 go to Dublin as I did. 
 
 Rose. 
 I'm awfully sorry, Gerald, but the boy must be 
 educated like a gentleman. 
 
 Gerald. 
 There I quite agree, Hose, but first of all he's an 
 Irishman, and it's right that he should be educated m 
 Ireland. 
 
6o LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Hose. 
 
 Darling Gerald, a mother's love is naturally the 
 safest guide in these things. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Dearest Rose, a father's wisdom is always the most 
 reliable. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Pardon my interfering, but — aren't you just a 
 little previous? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 [Bursting 07U.] Did you ever hear such a con- 
 versation iu your life between a young unmarried 
 couple ? 
 
 Rose. 
 
 My dear papa, we must be prepared for everything. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 In my youth young ladies did not refer to things 
 of that sort. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, I don't suppose they're any the worse for 
 having an elementary knowledge of natural history. 
 Personally I doubt whether ignorance is quite tho 
 same thing as virtue, and I'm not quite sure that a 
 girl makes a better wife because she's been brought 
 up like a perfect fool. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I am old-fashioned, Lady Frederick ; and my idea 
 of a modest girl ia that when certain topics are 
 
LADY FREDERICK 6i 
 
 mentioned she should swoon. Swoon, madam, swoon. 
 They always did it when I was a lad. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Well, father, I've often tried to faint when I 
 wanted something that you wouldn't giwe me, and I've 
 never been able to manage it. So I'm sure I couldn't 
 swoon. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 And with regard to this ridiculous discussion as to 
 which University your son is to be sent, you seem to 
 forget that I have the right to be consulted. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 My dear Admiral, I don't see how it can possibly 
 matter to you. 
 
 Adjiiral. 
 
 And before we go any further I should like you to 
 know that the very day Rose was born I determined 
 that her son should go to Cambridge. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 My dear papa, I think Gerald and I are far and 
 away the best judges of our son's welfare. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 The boy must work, Rose. I will have no good* 
 for- nothing as my grandson. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Exactly. And that is why I'm resolved he shall go 
 to Dublin. 
 
62 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Ho si:. 
 
 The important i\\\\^^ is that ho should hnve really 
 nice manners, and that they teach at Oxford if they 
 teach nothing else. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, don't you think you'd better wait another 
 twenty years or so before you discuss this ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 There are some matters which must be settled at 
 once, Lady Frederick. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You know, young things are fairly independent 
 nowadays. I don't know what they'll be in twenty 
 years' time. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 The first thing the boy shall learn is obedience. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Certainly. There's nothing so hateful as a dis- 
 obedient child. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I can't see my grandson renturing to disobey me. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Then you're all a^'reed. h)o that's settled. I came 
 to tell you your carriage was ready. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 63 
 
 Admiral. 
 Go and put on your bonnet, Rose. {To Lady 
 FiiEDERicK.] Are you coming with us % 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm afraid I can't. Au re voir. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 A tout a I'heure. 
 
 [He and Rose go out. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Have you ever seen in your life any one so entirely 
 delightful as Rose ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Laughing.'] Only when I've looked in the glass. 
 
 Gerald. 
 My dear Elizabeth, how vain you are. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're very happy, my Gerald. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 It's such a relief to have got over all the difficulties. 
 I thought it never would come right. You are a 
 brick, Elizabeth. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I really think I am rather. 
 
64 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Gerald. 
 The moment you promised to arrange things I felt 
 as safe aa a house. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I said I'd do my best, didn't I ? And I told you 
 not to worry. 
 
 Gerald. 
 [Turning round suddenly.] Isn't it all right ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 No, it's about as wrong as it can possibly be. I 
 knew Cohen was staying here, and I thought I could 
 get him to hold the bills over for a few days. 
 
 Gerald. 
 And won't he ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 He hasn't got them any more. 
 
 Gerald. 
 [Startled.] What! 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 They've been negotiated, and he swears he doesn't 
 know who has them. 
 
 Gerald. 
 But who could have been such a fool ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 65 
 
 Lady Fuederick. 
 
 i don't know, that's just the awful part of it. It 
 was bad enough before. I knew the worst Cohen 
 could do, but now. ... It couldn't be Paradine. 
 
 Gerald. 
 And then there's Montgomerie. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I shall see him to-day. 
 
 Gerald. 
 What are you going to say to him ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I haven't an idea. I'm rather frightened of him. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 You know, dear, if the worst comes to the 
 worst. . . . 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Whatever happens you shall marry Rose. I promise 
 you that. 
 
 [Paradine Fouldes appears. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 May I come in ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Gailij.'] It's a public room. I don't see how we 
 can possibly prevent you. 
 
 E 
 
[Ue goes out. 
 
 66 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Gerald. 
 I'm just going to take a stroll. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Do. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 "Well ? How are things going ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Quite well, thank you. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 I've left Charlie with his mother. I hope you can 
 spare him for a couple of hours. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I told him he must spend the afternoon with her. 
 I don't approve of his neglecting his filial duty. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Ah ! . . . I saw Dick Cohen this morning. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Qidckli/.] Did you? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 It seems to interest you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Not at all. Wliy should it? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 67 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Smiling.l Nice little man, isn't he ? 
 
 LxVDY FREDERICK. 
 
 [Good humouredly J] I wish I had something to 
 throw at you. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 {With a laugh. \ Well, I haven't got the confounded 
 bills. I was too late. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Did you try ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Oh — yes, I thought it would interest Charlie to 
 know how extremely needful it was for you to marry 
 him. 
 
 Lady Fhederick. 
 
 Then who on earth has got them ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I haven't an idea, but they must make you very 
 uncomfortable. Three thousand five hundred, eh ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Don't say it all at once. It sounds so much, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You wouldn't like to exchange those letters of 
 Mereston's for seven thousand pounds, would you ? 
 
68 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fuedeiuck. 
 [Laughi)uj.'\ No. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Ah. ... By the way, d'you mind if I tell Charlie 
 the full story of your — relations with me ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why should 1 1 It's not I who'll look ridiculous. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Thanks. I may avail myself of your permission. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I daresay you've noticed that Charlie has a very 
 keen sense of humour. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 If you're going to be disagreeable to me I shnll go. 
 [Fie stops.] 1 say, are you quite sure there's nothing 
 else that can be brought up against you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Laughing.] Quite sure, thanke. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 My sister's very jubilant to-day. What about the 
 Bellingham affair ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Merely scandal, my friend. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 69 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Well, look out. She's a woman, and she'll stick at 
 
 nothing. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I wonder why you warn me. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 For the sake of old times, my dear. 
 
 Lady Fredertck. 
 You're growing sentimental, Paradine. It's the 
 punishment which the gods inflict on a cynic when 
 he grows old. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 It may be, but for the life of me I can't forget that 
 
 once 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Interrupting.] My dear friend, don't rake up my 
 lamentable past. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I don't think I've met any one so entirely devoid 
 of sentiment as you are. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Let us agree that I have every vice under the sun 
 and have done with it. 
 
 \A Servant comes in^ 
 
 Servant, 
 Madame Claude wishes to see your ladyship. 
 
70 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oil, my dressmaker. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Another bill ? 
 
 Lady Frederck. 
 
 That's the worst of Monte. Ono meets as many 
 creditors as in Bond Street. Say I'm engaged. 
 
 Servant. 
 
 Madame Claude says she will wait till miladi is 
 free. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 You make a mistake. One should always be polite 
 to people whose bills one can't pay. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Show her in. 
 
 Servant. 
 Yes, miladi. [Exit Servant 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 Is it a big one ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, no; only seven hundred pounds. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 By Jove. 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 
 My dear friend, ono must dress. I can't go about 
 in ijg leaves. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 71 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 One can dress simply. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 I do. That's why it costs so much. 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 You know, you're devilish extravagant. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 I'm not. I'm content with the barest necessities 
 of existence. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You've got a maid. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Of course I've got a maid. I was never taught to 
 dress myself. 
 
 FoULDES, 
 
 And you've got a footman. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I've always had a footman. And my mother 
 always had a footman. I couldn't live a day without 
 him. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 What does he do for you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 He inspires confidence in tradesmen. 
 
72 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 And you have the most expensive suite of rooms in 
 the hotel. 
 
 Lady Fuederick, 
 
 Fm in such a dreadful mess. If I hain't got nice 
 rooms I should brood over it. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Then, as if that weren't enough, you fling your 
 money away at the tables. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 When you're as poor as I am, a few louis more or 
 less can make absolutely no difierence. 
 
 FoULDES.. 
 
 \)Vilh a laugh ] You're quite incorrigible. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It's really not my fault. I do try to be economical, 
 but money slips through my fingers like water. I 
 can't help it. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 You want a sensible sort of a man to look after you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I want a very rich sort of a man to look after me. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 If you were my wife, I should advertise in the 
 papers that I wasn't responsible for your debts. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 73 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 If you were my husband, I'd advertise imme- 
 diately underneath that I wasn't responsible for your 
 manners. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I wonder why you're so reckless. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 When my husband was alive I was so utterly 
 wretched. And afterwards, when I looked forward 
 to a little happiness, my boy died. Then I didn't 
 care any more. I did everything I could to stupefy 
 myself. I squandered money as other women take 
 morphia — thit's all. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 It's the s ime dear scatter-brained, good-hearted 
 Betsy that 1 used to know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You're the only person who calls me Betsy now. To 
 all the others I'm only Elizabeth. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Look here, what are you going to do with this 
 dressmaker 'i 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I don't know. I always trust to the inspiration of 
 the moment. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 She'll make a devil of a fuss, won't she ? 
 
74 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, no ; I shall be quite nice to her. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I daresay. But won't she be very disagreeable to 
 you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You don't know what a way I have with my 
 creditors. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 I know it's not a paying way. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Isn't it ? I bet you a hundred louis that I offer 
 her the money and she refuses it. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 I'll take that. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Here she is. 
 
 [Madame Claude enters, iishered in hy the 
 Servaxt. She is a stout, genteel persoji, 
 veri/ splendidly gowned, with a Cockney 
 accent. Her face is set to sternness, decision 
 to make a scene, and general souniess. 
 
 Seuvant. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 [Exit Servant. Lady Frederick goes tip to 
 her enthitsiasticall y and takes both her 
 hands. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 75 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Best of women. This is a joyful surprise. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 [Draiving herself up.] I 'eard quite by chance that 
 your ladyship was at Monte. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 So you came to see me at once. That was nice of 
 you. You're the very person I wanted to see. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 [Skjnificanthj.] I'm glad of that, my lady, I must 
 confess. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You dear creature. That's one advantage of Monte 
 Carlo, one meets all one's friends. Do you know Mr. 
 Fouldes ? This is Madame Claude, an artist, my dear 
 Paradine, a real artist. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 [Grimly.] Vm pleased that your ladyship should 
 think so. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 How d'you do. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Now, this gown. Look, look, look. In this skirt 
 
 there's genius, mon cher. In the way it hangs my 
 
 whole character is expressed. Observe the fullness of 
 
 it, that indicates those admirable virt-.ues which make 
 
76 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 me an ornament to Society, while the frill at the 
 bottom just suggests those foibles — you can hardly 
 call them faults — which add a certain grace and 
 interest to my personality. And the flounce. Para- 
 dine, I beseech you to look at it carefully. I would 
 sooner have designed this flounce than won the Battle 
 of Waterloo. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Your lad3'ship is very kind. 
 
 Lady FrvEDERicK. 
 
 Not at all, not at all. You remember that rose 
 chiflbn. I wore it the other day, and the dear Arch- 
 duchess came up to me and said ; " My dear, my 
 dear." I thought she was going to have a fit. But 
 when she recovered she kissed me on both cheeks and 
 said : " Lady Frederick, you have a dressmaker 
 worth her weight in gold." You heard her, Paradine, 
 didn't you ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You forget that I only arrived last night. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Of course. How stupid of me. She'll be perfectly 
 delighted to hear that you're in Monte Carlo. But I 
 shall have to break it to her gently. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 [Unmoved.] I'm sorry to intrude upon your 
 ladyship. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 77 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Now what are you talking about ? If you hadn't 
 come to see me I should never have forgiven you. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 I wanted to have a little talk with your ladyship. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Oh, but I hope we shall have many little talks. 
 Have you brought your motor down ? 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 That's charming. You shall take me for a drive 
 in it every day. I hope you're going to stay some 
 time. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 That depends on circumstances, Lady Frederick. I 
 'ave a little business to do here. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Then let me give you one warning — don't gamble. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 Oh, no, my lady. I gamble quite enough in my 
 business as it is. I never know when my customers 
 will pay their bills — if ever. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Slightly taken aback.] Ha, ha, ha. 
 
78 LADY FREDERIC F{ 
 
 FoULDES. 
 [IT/V/i a Jeep guffaw.] Ho, ho, ho. 
 
 Lady Fkedeiuck. 
 
 Isn't she clever? I must tell that to the Arch- 
 duchess. She'll be so amused. Ha, ha, ha, ha. The 
 dear Archduchess, you know she loves a little juke. 
 You must really meet her. Will you come and lunch ? 
 I know you'd hit it oil' together. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 [Afore genial!}/.] That's very kind of your ladyship. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 My dear, you know perfectly well that I've always 
 locked upon you as one of my best friends. Now who 
 shall we have ? There's you and me and the Arch- 
 duchess. Then I'll ask Lord Mereston. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 The Marquess of Mereston, Lady Frederick? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Yes. And Mr. Fouldes, his uncle. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Excuse me, are you the Mr. Paradine Fouldcs ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 [BowiJig.] At your service, madam. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 79 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 I'm so glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Fouldes. 
 [Unctuoudij.] I've always heard you're such a bad 
 man. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Madam, you overwhelm me with confusion. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 Believe me, Mr. Fouldes, it's not the ladies t^at^^i 
 are married to saints who take the trouble to dress |^ 
 well. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Now we want a third man. Shall we ask my 
 brother — you know Sir Gerald O'Mara, don't you? 
 Or shall we ask Prince Doniani? Yes, I think we'll 
 ask the Prince. I'm sure you'd like him. Such a 
 handsome man ! That'll make six. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 It's very kind of you, Lady Frederick, but — well, 
 I'm only a tradeswoman, you know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 A tradeswoman ? How can you talk such nonsense. 
 You are an artist — a real artist, my dear. And an 
 artist is fit to meet a king. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 "Well, I don't deny that I'd be ashamed to dress 
 my customers in the gowns I see painted at the 
 Koyal Academy. 
 
8o LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Then it's quite settled, isn't it, Madame Claude— 
 ob, uiay 1 call you Ada ? 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Oh, Lady Frederick, I should be very much flattered. 
 But how did you know that was my name ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why you wrote me a letter only the other day. 
 
 AIadame Claude. 
 Did I? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 And such a cross letter too. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 [Apologeticalli/.] Oh, but Lady Frederick, that was 
 only in the way of business. I don't exactly remember 
 what expressions I may have made use of 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Interrupting, as if the truth had sudderdy flashed 
 aa-oss her.] Ada! I do believe you came here to-day 
 about my account. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Oh, no, my lady, I promise you. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 8l 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You did ; I know you did. I see it in your face 
 Now that really wasn't nice of you. I thought you 
 came as a friend, 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 I diel, Lady Frederick. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 No, you wanted to dun me, I'm disappointed in 
 you. ' I did think, after all the things I've had from 
 you, you wouldn't treat me like that. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 But I assure your ladyship. . . . 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Not another word. You came to ask for a cheque. 
 You shall have it. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 No, Lady Frederick, I wouldn't take it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 What is the exact figure, Madame Claude ? 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 I — I don't remember. 
 
82 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fuederick. 
 Seven hundred and fifty pounds, seventeen and 
 ninepence. You see, I remember. You came for 
 your cheque and you shall have it, 
 
 [She sits doicn and takes aj^en, 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Now, Lady Frederick, I should look upon that as 
 most unkind. It's treating me like a very hecond-rate 
 establishment. 
 
 Lady Fuederick. 
 I'm sorry, but you should have thought of that 
 before. Kow I haven't got a cheque ; how tiresome, 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Oh, it doesn't matter, Lady Frederick. I promise 
 you it never entered my 'ead. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 What shall I do ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 You can write it on a sheet of paper, you know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [With a look, aside to hijn.] Monster! [Aloud.] Of 
 course I can. I hadn't thought of that. [She takes a 
 sheet of paper.] But how on earth am 1 to get a 
 stamp i 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 [Much amused.] I happen to have one on me. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 83 
 
 Lady Fhederick. 
 I wonder why on earth you should have English 
 stamps in Monte Carlo ? 
 
 FOULEES. 
 
 [[landing her one.] A penny stamp may sometimes 
 save one a iiundred louis. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Ii'onicalli/.] Thanks so much. I write the name 
 of ray bank on the top, don't I ? Pay INIadame 
 Claude. . . . 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 Now, it's no good, Lady Frederick, I won't take it. 
 After all I 'ave my self-respect to think of. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It's too late now. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 [Sniffing a little.'] No, no. Lady Frederick. Don't 
 be too 'arc! on me. As one lady to another I ask you 
 to forgive me. I did come about my account, but — 
 well, I don't want the money. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Loohing up good-humour edhj.] Well, well. [SJie loolcs 
 at the cheque.] Et shall be as you wish. There. [She 
 team it uj^.] 
 
84 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 Ob, tliAnk you, Lady Frederick. I look upon tlint 
 as a real favour. And now 1 really must be getting 
 off. 
 
 Lady Fuederick. 
 Mnat you go? Well, goud-bye. Paradine, take 
 Madame Claude to lier motor. Ada ! 
 
 [She Jiisses her on the cheek. 
 
 Madame Claude. 
 
 [Cohif/.'] I am pleased to have seen you. 
 
 [Paradine qfers his arm and goes out with 
 Madame Claude. Lady Fkidkrick goes 
 to the icindow, stands on a chair and waves 
 her handkerchief. While she is doing this 
 Captain Montgomerie enters. 
 
 Cattain Montgomerie. 
 now d'you do ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Getting down.] IIow nice of you to come. I 
 wanted to see you. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 !May I sit down ? 
 
 Lady Fredekick. 
 Of course. There are one or two things I'd lilco to 
 talk to you about. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 85 
 
 Captain Moxtgomekte. 
 
 Yes? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 First I must thank you for your great kindness to 
 Gerald. I didn't know last night that he owed you 
 a good deal of money. 
 
 Captain Mo2stgomerie. 
 It's a mere trifle. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You must be very rich to call nine hundred pounds 
 that? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 I am. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [With a laujh.] All the same it's extremely good of 
 you to give him plenty of time. 
 
 Captain I\Iontgomerie. 
 I told Gerald he could have till to-morrow. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Obviously he wants to settle with you as soon as 
 ever he can. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 [Quietli/.] I often wonder why gambling debts are 
 known as debts of honour. 
 
86 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Looking at him steadily.'] Of course I realise that if 
 you choose to press for the money and Gerald can't 
 pay — he'll have to send in his papers. 
 
 Captain ISIontgomerie. 
 
 \LigJuhj.'] You may be quite sure I have no wish 
 to bring about such a calamity. By the way, have 
 you thought over our little talk of last night ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 No. 
 
 Carta IN Montgomerie. 
 You would have been wise to do so. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 My dear Captain Montgomerie, you really can't 
 expect me to marry you because my brother has been 
 so foolish as to lose more money at poker than he can 
 a fiord. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 Did you ever hear that my father was a money- 
 lender? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 A lucrative profession, I believe. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie, 
 
 lie found it so. He was a Polish Jew called Aaron 
 Lovitzki. lie came to this country with three 
 bhiliiijgs in his pocket, lie lent luilf a-crown of it 
 
LADY FREDERICK 87 
 
 to a fiiend on the condition that he should be paid 
 back seven and six in three days. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm not good at figures, but the interest sounds 
 rather high. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 It is. That was one of my father's specialities. 
 From these humble beginnings his business grew to 
 such proportions that at his death he was able to 
 leave me the name and arms of the great family of 
 Montgomerie and something over a million of money. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 The result of thrift, industry, and good fortune. 
 
 Captain ^roxTGOMERiE. 
 
 My father was able to gratify all his ambitions but 
 one. He was eaten up with the desire to move in 
 good society, and this he was never able to achieve. 
 His dying wish was that I should live in those circles 
 which he knew only. . . . 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Across the counter ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 Precisely. But my poor father was a little ignornnt 
 in these matters. To him one lord was as good as 
 another. He thought a Marquess a finer man tlian an 
 Earl, and a Viscount than a Baron. He would never 
 
SS LADY FREDERICK 
 
 have understood tliat a penniless Iii.sh baronet might 
 go into better society than many a belted earl. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 And what is the application of this? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 I wanted to explain to you one of the reasons which 
 emboldened me last night to make you a proposal of 
 marriage. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 But surely you know some very nice people. I saw 
 you lunching the otlier day with the widow of a city 
 knight. 
 
 Captain Moxtgomerie. 
 
 !Many very excellent persons are glad to have me 
 to dine with them. But I know quite well that 
 they're not the real article. I'm as far o3" as ever 
 from getting into those houses which you have been 
 used to all your life. Fm not content with third-rate 
 earls and rather seedy downgeis. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Forgive my frankness, but — aren't you rather a 
 snob ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 ^fy father, Aaron Levitzki, married an English 
 woman, and I have all the English virtues. 
 
 Lady Fui deiiick. 
 
 But I'm not cpiito sure that people would swallow 
 you even as my husband. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 89 
 
 CArTAIN MONTGOMERIE. 
 
 They'd make a face, but they'd swallow nie right 
 enough. And when 1 asked them down to the best 
 shoot in England they'd come to the coLclusion that 
 I agreed with them very well. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 \Still rather amused. \ Your offer is eminently 
 businesslike, but you see I'm not a business woman. 
 It doesn't appeal to me. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I only ask you to perform such of the duties of a 
 wife as are required by Society. They are few enough 
 in all conscience. I should wish you to entertain 
 largely and receive my guests, be polite to me, at 
 least in public, and go with me to the various place a 
 people go to. Otherwise 1 leave you entire freedom. 
 You will find me generous and heedful to all your 
 wishes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie, I don't know how much of 
 all that you have said is meant seriously. But, surely 
 you're not choosing the right time to make such a 
 proposal when my brother owes you so much money 
 that if you care to be hard you can ruin him. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Why not ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 D'you mean to say. . . . ? 
 
90 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 I will be quite frank with you. I should never 
 have allowed Gerald to lose so much money which 
 there was no likelihood of his being able to pay, if I 
 had not thought it earned me some claim upon your 
 giatitude. 
 
 Lady FitEDERiCK. 
 
 [S/i07'll//.] Gerald will pay every penny he owes 
 you to-morrow. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 [Blandlf/.] "Where d'you suppose he'll get it ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I have no doubt I shall be able to manage some- 
 thing. 
 
 Captain IMontgomerie. 
 
 Have you not tried this morning, entirely without 
 success ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Startled.] What? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 You do not forget that you have sundry moneys of 
 your own which are payable to-morrow ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 How d'you know that ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 91 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I told you that \vhGn I took a thing in hand I 
 carried it through. You went to Dick Cohen, and he 
 told you he'd parted with the bills. Didn't you 
 guess that only one man could have the least interest 
 in takins: them over? 
 
 You? 
 Yes. 
 Oh, God. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Captain ]\Tontgomerie. 
 Come, come, don't be worried over it. There's 
 nothing to be alarmed about. I'm a very decent 
 chap — if you'd accepted me right away you would 
 never have known that those bills were in my 
 possession. Think it over once more. I'm sure we 
 should get on well together. I can give you what 
 you most need, money and the liberty to fling it 
 away as recklessly as you choose ; you can give me 
 the assured and fixed position on which — my father's 
 heart was set. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 And if I don't accept, you'll make me a bankrupt 
 and you'll ruin Gerald ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 I refuse to consider that very unpleasant alter- 
 native. 
 
92 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 T.ADY FjlElDEinCK. 
 
 Oh ! I can't, I can't. 
 
 Captain Montgomerte. 
 [Laughiiig.] But you must, you must. When shall 
 I come for your answer 'i To-morrow ? I'll come 
 with the bills and Gerald's I.O.U. in my pocket, and 
 you shall burn them yourself. Good-bye. 
 
 [lie kisses her liand and goes out. Lady 
 Frederick remains staring in front of 
 her. Mereston entersy foUotved hy Lady 
 Mereston and Paradine. 
 
 IMereston. 
 
 [Going to her eagerb/.] Ilulloa ! I wondered what on 
 earth had become of you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I With a laugh.] It's only two hours since I cha.<^ed 
 you away from me. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'm afraid I bore you to death. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Don't be so silly. You know you dc>n't. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Where are you going now ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 93 
 
 Lady Fkederick. 
 I have rather a headache. I'm going to he down. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'm so sorry. 
 
 [Lady Frederick goes out, Meiieston stares 
 after her anx-iousli/, and makes a step 
 toicards the door. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 [Sharpli^'.] Where are going, Charlie ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 I never asked Lady Frederick if I could do anything. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Good heavens, there are surely plenty of servants 
 in the hotel to get her anything she wants. 
 
 LIereston. 
 Don't you think a drive in the motor would do her 
 good ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 [Uv.ahle to control herself.] Oh, I have no patience 
 with you. I never saw such a ridiculous infatuation 
 in my life, 
 
 Paradine. 
 
 Steady, old girl, steady. 
 
 Mereston. 
 What on earth d'you mean, mother ? 
 
94 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Presumably you're not going to deny that you're 
 in love with that woman. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 [Growing pale.] Would you mind speaking of her 
 as Lady Frederick ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 You try me very much, Charlie. Please answer 
 my question. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 I don't want to seem unkind to you, mother, but I 
 think you have no right to ask about my private 
 atlairs. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 If you're going to talk this matter over you're more 
 liktly to come to an understanding if you both keep 
 your tempers. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 There's nothing I wish to discuss. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Don't be absurd, Charlie. You're with Lady 
 Frederick morning, noon and night. She can never 
 Btir a yard from the hotel but you go flying after. 
 Y^ou pester her with your ridiculous attentions. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 [Bliuidh/.] One's relations have always such an 
 engaging frankness. Like a bad looking-glass, they 
 
LADY FREDERICK 95 
 
 always represent you with a crooked nose and a ca^^t 
 in your eye. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 [To Merestox.] I have certainly a right to know 
 what you mean by all this and what is going to come 
 of it. 
 
 IMereston. 
 
 I don't know w^hat will come of it. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 The question that excites our curiosity is this : are 
 you going to ask Lady Frederick to marry you ? 
 
 Merestox. 
 
 I refuse to answer that. It seems to me excessively 
 impertinent. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Come, come, my boy, you're too young to play the 
 heavy father. We're both your friends. Hadn't you 
 better make a clean breast of it? After all, your 
 mother and I are interested in nothing so much as 
 your welfare. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 
 [Imjdor'mg.'] Charlie ! 
 
 Merestox. 
 
 Of course I'd ask her to marry me if I thought for 
 a moment that she'd accept. But I'm so terrified 
 that she'll refuse, and then perhaps I shall never see 
 her again. 
 
96 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Meresto^. 
 The boy's stark, staring mad. 
 
 Mkreston'. 
 I don't know wliiit I should do if she pent me about 
 my business. I'd rather continue in this awful 
 uncertainty than lose all hope for ever. 
 
 FOULDE?. 
 
 By George. You're pretty far gone, my son. The 
 lover who's diffident is in a much worse way than tlie 
 lover who protests. 
 
 Lady Merestox. 
 
 [With a little laiujh.] I must say it amuses me that 
 Lady Frederick should have had both my brother and 
 my son dangling at her skirts. Your respective 
 passions are separated by quite a number of years. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Lady Frederick has already told me of that 
 incident. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 With the usual indiscretion of her sex, 
 
 Mereston. 
 Tt appears that she was very unhappy and you, 
 with questionable taste, made love to her. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Do your }>est not to preach at me, dear boy. It 
 reminds me of your lamented father. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 97 
 
 Mereston". 
 
 And at last she promised to go away with you 
 You were to meet at "Waterloo Station. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Such a draughty place for an assignation, 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Your train was to start at nine, and you were going 
 to take the boat over to the Channel Isles, 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Lady Frederick has a very remarkable memory, I 
 remember hoping the sea wouldn't be rough. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 And just as the train was starting her eye fell on 
 the clock. At that moment her child was coming 
 down to breakfast and would ask for her. Before 
 you could stop her she'd jumped out of the carriage. 
 The train was moving, and you couldn't get out, so 
 you were taken on to Weymouth — alone. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 You must have felt a quite egregious ass, 
 Paradine. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 I did, but you need not rub it in. 
 
98 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Merestox. 
 
 Doesn't it occur to )'ou, Charlie, that a woman 
 who loves so eas«ily can't be very worthy of your 
 afl'ection ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 But, my dear mother, d'you think she cared for my 
 uncle ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 What the dickens d'you mean ? 
 
 IMereston'. 
 
 D'you suppose if she loved you she would have 
 hesitated to come ? D'you know her so little as that ? 
 She thought of her child only because she was quite 
 indiflferent to you. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 [Crossli/.] You know nothing about it, and you're 
 an impertinent young jackanapes. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 My dear Paradine, what can it matter if Lady 
 Frederick was in love with you or not ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 [Calming down.] Of course it doesn't matter a bit. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 I have no doubt you mistook wounded vanity for a 
 broken heart. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 99 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Acidly:] My dear, you sometimes say things which 
 explain to me why my brother-in-law so frequently 
 abandoned his own fireside for the platform of Exeter 
 Hall. 
 
 Mereston. 
 It may also interest you to learn that I am perfectly 
 aware of Lady Frederick's financial difficulties. I 
 know she has two bills falling due to-morrow. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 She's a very clever woman. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I've implored her to let me lend her the money, and 
 she absolutely refuses. You see, she's kept nothing 
 from me at all. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 My dear Charlie, it's a very old dodge to confess 
 what doesn't matter in order to conceal what does. 
 
 Mereston. 
 What do you mean, mother ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Lady Frederick has told you nothing of the 
 Bellingham affair ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Why should she % 
 
100 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 It is surely expedient you should know that the 
 woman you have some idea of marrying escaped the 
 divorce court only by the skin of her teeth, 
 
 Mereston. 
 I don't believe that, mother. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Remember that you're talking to your respected 
 parent, my boy. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 I'm sorry that my mother should utter base and 
 contemptible libels on — my greatest friend. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 
 You may be quite sure that I say nothing which 
 I can't prove. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I won't listen to anything against Lady Frederick. 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 But you must. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Are you quite indifferent to the great pain you 
 cause me ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 I can't allow you to m;irry a woman who's hope- 
 lessly immoral. 
 
LADY FREDERICK loi 
 
 Mereston. 
 Mother, how dare you say that ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 This isn't the sorb of thing I much like, but hadn't 
 you better hear the worst at once ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Very well. But if my mother insists on saying 
 things, she must say them in Lady Frederick's 
 presence. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 That I'm quite willing to do. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Good. 
 
 [Ee rings the hell, A servant enters. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You'd better take care, Maudie. Lady Frederick's 
 a dangerous woman to play the fool with. 
 
 Mereston. 
 {To the servant.] Go to Lady Frederick Berolles and 
 say Lord Mereston is extremely sorry to trouble 
 her ladyship, but would be very much obliged if she'd 
 come to the drawing-room for two minutes. 
 
 Servant. 
 Very well, my lord. 
 
 {Exit 
 
102 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FouLDES. 
 What are you going to do, Maud ? 
 
 Lady Mereston". 
 
 I knew there was a letter in existence in Lady 
 Frederick's handwriting which proved all I've said 
 about her. I've moved heaven and earth to get 
 hold of it, and it came this morning. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Don't be such a fool. You're not going to use 
 that ? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 I am indeed 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Your blood be upon your own head. Unless I'm 
 vastly mistaken you'll sufler the greatest humiliation 
 that you can imagine. 
 
 Lady Merestox. 
 That's absurd. I have nothing to fear. 
 
 Lady Frederick co7nes m, 
 
 Mereston 
 
 I'm so sorry to disturb you. I hop3 you don't 
 mind ? 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 
 Not at all, I knew you wouldn't have sent for me 
 in that fashion without jj'ood cause. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 103 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'm afraid you'll think me dreadfully impertinent. 
 
 Lady Mereston". 
 Really you need not apologise so much, Charlie. 
 
 Mereston. 
 My mother has something to say against you, and 
 I think it right that she should say it in your 
 presence. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That's very nice of you, Charlie— though I confess 
 I prefer people to say horrid things of me only 
 behind my back. Especially if they're true. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Look here, I think all this is rather nonsense. 
 We've most of us got something in our past history 
 that we don't want raked up, and we'd all better let 
 bygones be bygones. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm waiting, Lady Mereston. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 It's merely that I thought my son should know 
 that Lady Frederick had been the mistress of Roger 
 Bellingham. [Lady Frederick turns quickly and 
 looks at her ; then hursts into a peal of laughter. 
 Lady Mereston sjyrings up angrily and hands her a 
 letter.] Is this in your handwriting? 
 
104 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [^'^ot at all discojicerted.] Dear me. how did you geb 
 hold of this? 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 You see that I have ample proof, Lady Frederick. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 [Uanding the letter to ISIerestox.] "Would you like 
 to read it ? You know my writing well enough to be 
 able to answer Lady Mereston's question. 
 
 [//e reads it through and looks at her in dismay. 
 
 Merestox, 
 Good God ! . . . What does it mean? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Pray read it aloud. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I can't. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Then give it to me. [Slie takes it from him.] It's 
 addressed to my brother-in-law, Peter I^erolles. The 
 3<ate to whom it refers was his \vife. [lieids.] Dear 
 l^eter: I'm sorry you should have had a row with 
 Kate about Roger Bellingham. You are quite wrong 
 in all you thought. There is absolutely nothing 
 between them. I don't know where Kate was on 
 Tuesday night, but certainly she was not within a 
 hundred miles of Roger. This 1 know because, . . . 
 
LADY FREDERICK 105 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 [Interrifpiing.] For God's sake don't go on. 
 
 [Lady Frederick looks at him and shrugs her 
 shoulders. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It's signed Elizabeth Berolles. And there's a post- 
 script : You may make what use of this letter you 
 like. 
 
 Merestox. 
 What does it mean ? What does it mean ? 
 
 Lady Mereston, 
 Surely it's very clear? You can't want a more 
 explicit confession of guilt. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 I tried to make it as explicit as possible, 
 
 Mereston. 
 Won't you Fay something? Fm sure there must 
 be some explanation. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I don't know how you got hold of this letter, Lady 
 Mereston. I agree with j^ou, it is compromising. 
 But Kate and Peter are dead now, and there's nothing 
 to prevent me from telling the truth. 
 
 [Paradixe Fouldes takes a step forward and 
 watches her. 
 
io6 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 My sister-in-law was a meek and mild little person, 
 as demure as you can imagine, and no one would have 
 suspected her for a moment of kicking over the traces. 
 Well, one morning she came to me in flocds of tear^ 
 and confessed that she and Roger Bellin<ih vm [icitli 
 a shrug^ had been foolish Her hushand suspected 
 that something was wrong and had kicked up a row. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 l^Drily,^ There are men who will make a scene on 
 the smallest provocation. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 To shield herself she told the first lie that came 
 into her head. She said to Peter that Roger Belling- 
 hara was my lover — and she threw herself on my mercy. 
 She was a poor, weak little creature, and if there'd 
 been a scandal she'd have gone to the dogs altogether. 
 It had only been a momentary infatuation for Roger, 
 and the scare had cured her. At the bottom of her 
 heart she loved her husband still. I was desperately 
 unhappy, and I didn't care much what became of me. 
 She promised to turn over a new leaf and all that 
 sort of thing. I thought I'd better give her another 
 chance of going straight. I did what she wanted. 
 I wrote that letter taking all the blame on myself, 
 and Kate lived happily witli her hu^sband till she 
 died. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 It was just like you. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 107 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 But Lord and Lady Peter are dead ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 And Roger Bellingham ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 He's dead too. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Then how can you prove your account of this 
 
 affair ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I can't. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 And does this convince you, Charlie? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Of course. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 [Impatiently,] Good heavens, the boy's out of his 
 senses. Paradine, for Heaven's sake say something. 
 
 FOULDES, 
 
 Well, much as it may displease you, my dear, I'm 
 afraid I agree with Charlie, 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 You don't mean to say you believe this cock-and- 
 bull story ? 
 
108 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I do. 
 
 Lady Merestox. 
 
 Why? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Well, you see, Lady Frederick's a very clever 
 woman. She would never have invented such an 
 utterly improbable tale, which can't jDossibly be proved. 
 If she'd been guilty, she'd have had ready at least a 
 dozen proofs of her innocence. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 But that's absurd. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Besides, I've known Lady Frederick a long time, 
 and she has at least a thousand faults. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [With Jlashing eyes.] Thanks. 
 
 FoULDKS. 
 
 But there's something I will sfiy for her. She's 
 not a liar. If she tells me a thing, I don't hesitate 
 for a moment to believe it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It's not a. matter of the smallest importance if any 
 of you believe mo or not. Bo so good as to ring, 
 Charlie. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 109 
 
 Mereston, 
 Certainly. 
 
 [Re rings, and a Servant immediately comes in. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Tell my servant that he's to come here at once and 
 bring the despatch-box which is in my dressing-room. 
 
 Servant. 
 Yes, miladi. [Exit, 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Quichly.'\ I say, what are you going to do ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That is absolutely no business of yours. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Be a brick, Betsy, and don't give her those letters. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I think I've had enough of this business. I'm 
 proposing to finish with it. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Temper, temper. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Stamping her foot,] Don't say temper to me, 
 Paradine. 
 
 [She lualks up and down angrily. Paradine 
 sits at the piano and with one finger strums 
 " Rule Britannia.'' 
 
no LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Mereston. 
 Shut up. 
 
 [lie takes a hook, flings it at his head and 
 7?i isses, 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Good shot, sir. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I often wonder how you got your reputation for 
 wit, Paradine, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 By making a point of laughing heartily at other 
 people's jokes. 
 
 [The Footman enters with the despatch-box, 
 which Lady Frederick opens. She takes 
 a bundle of letters from it, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Betsy, Betsy, for heaven's sake don't! Have 
 mercy. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Was mercy shown to mc? Albert I 
 
 Footman. 
 Yes, miladi. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You'll goto the proprietor of the hotel and tell him 
 that I propose to leave Monte Carlo to-morrow. 
 
 Meukston. 
 [Ayhast] Are you going ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK III 
 
 Footman. 
 Very well, my lady. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Have you a good memory for faces ? 
 
 Footman. 
 Yes, my lady. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're not likely to forget Lord Mereston ? 
 
 Footman. 
 No, my lady. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Then please take note that if his lordship calls 
 upon me in London I'm not at home. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Lady Frederick ! 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [To Footman.] Go. 
 
 [Exit Footman. 
 Mereston. 
 
 What d'you mean ? What have T done ? 
 
 [Without cuiswering Lady Frederick takes 
 the letters. Paradine is icatching her 
 anxiously. She goes itp to the stove and 
 throws them in one hy one. 
 
112 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Merestox. 
 "What on earth is she doing ? 
 
 L.U)Y Frederick. 
 
 I have some letters here which would ruin tlie 
 happiness of a very worthle.ss woman I know. I'm 
 burning them so that I may never have the temptation 
 to use them. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 I never saw anything so melodramatic. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Hold your tongue, Paradine. [Ttirning to 
 Merestox.] My dear Charlie, I came to Monte 
 Carlo to be amused. Your mother has persecuted 
 me incessantly. Your uncle — is too well-bred to talk 
 to his servants as he has talked to me. I've been 
 pestered in one way and another, and insulted till my 
 blood boiled, because apparently they're afraid you 
 may want to marry me. I'm sick and tired of it. 
 I'm not used to treatment of this sort ; my patience 
 is quite exhausted. And since you are the cause of 
 the whole thing I have an obvious remedy. I would 
 much rather not have anything more to do with you. 
 If we meet one another in the street you need not 
 trouble to look my way because I shall cut you dead. 
 
 Lady Merrston. 
 [/a an undertone.] Thank God for that. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 113 
 
 ISIeheston. 
 ]\[otlier, mother. [To Lady Frederick.] I'm 
 awfully sorry, I feel that you have a right to bo 
 angry. For all that you've suflered I beg your 
 pnrdon most humbly. My mother has said and done 
 things which I regret to say are quite unjustifiable. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 
 Charlie ! 
 
 Merestox. 
 
 On her behalf and on mine I apologise w^'th all my 
 he.irt. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Smiling.] Don't take it too seriously. It really 
 doesn't matter. But I think it's far wiser that we 
 shouldn't see one another again. 
 
 Mereston. 
 But I can't live without you. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 [With a gasp.] Ah ! 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Don't you know that my whole happiness is wrapped 
 up in you? I love you with all my heart and aoul. 
 I can never love any one but you. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 [T'o Lady Mereston.] Now you've done it. You've 
 done it very neatly. 
 
 u 
 
114 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 ]\Ieiieston. 
 
 Don't think me a presumptuous fool. I've been 
 
 wanting to say this ever since I knew you, but I 
 
 haven't dared. You're brilliant and charming and 
 
 fi\scinating, but I have nothing whatever to offer you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Gentli/.] ]\Iy dear Charlie. 
 
 Mereston. 
 But if you can overlook my faults, I daresay you 
 could make something of me. AVon't you marry me ? 
 I should look upon it as a great honour, and I would 
 love you always to the end of my life. I'd try to be 
 worthy of my great happiness and you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're very much too modest, Charlie. I'm enor- 
 mously flattered and grateful. You must give me 
 time to think it over. 
 
 Lady Mereston. 
 Time ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 But I can't wait. Don't you see how I love you ? 
 You'll never meet any one who'll care for you as 1 do. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I think you can wait a little. Come and see mo 
 to-morrow morning at ten, and I'll give you an 
 an.'swer. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 115 
 
 Mereston. 
 Very well, if I must. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Smiling.] I'm afraid so. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [To Lady Frederick.] I wonder what the deuce 
 your little game is now. 
 
 [She smiles triicmphantl// and (jives him a deep, 
 ironical curtsey. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Sir, your much obliged and very obedient, humble 
 servant. 
 
 EXD OF TUE second ACT. 
 
THIRD ACT 
 
 Scene: JjAby Yreberick's (hesslny-room, At the hack 
 is a large opening, curtained^ which leads to the hid- 
 room; on the right a door leading to the passage ; 
 on the left a icindoio. In front of the luindoic, of 
 n'hich the blind is drawn, is a dressing- table. 
 Lady Frederick's maid is in the room, a vtry 
 neat pretty Frenchwoman. She sjyeaks with a 
 slight accent. She rings the bell, and the Footxiax 
 enters. 
 
 Maid. 
 
 As soon as Lord Mertston arrives he is to be 
 shown in. 
 
 [^Surprised^ Here ? 
 
 Footman. 
 Maid. 
 
 Where else ? 
 
 [77ie Footman winlcs significantly. The Maid 
 draws Jterself uj) with dignify, and with a 
 dramatic gtsture points to the door. 
 
 Depart. 
 
 Maid. 
 
 ( T/ie Footman goes out. 
 lie 
 
LADY FREDERICK 117 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [From the bedroom.] Ilave you drawn the blind, 
 Angelique ? 
 
 Maid. 
 I will do so, miladi. [She dratm the blind, and the 
 light falls brightly on the dressing-table.] But miladi 
 will never be able to stand it. [She looks at herself in 
 the glass.] Oh, the light of the sun in the morning ! 
 I cannot look at myself. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [As before.] There's no reason that you should— 
 especially in my glass. 
 
 Maid. 
 But if 'is lordship is coming, miladi must let me 
 draw the blind. Oh, it is impossible. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Do as you're told and don't interfere. 
 
 [The Footman enters to announce Mereston. 
 The Maid goes out. 
 
 Footman. 
 Lord Mereston. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [As before.] Is that you, Charlie? You're very 
 punctual. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I've been walking about outside till the clock 
 struck. 
 
ii8 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm not nearly dressed, you know. I've only just 
 had my bath. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Must I go? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 No, of course not. You can tall: to me whiie I'm 
 finishing. 
 
 Mereston. 
 All right. How are you this morning ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I don't know. I haven't looked at myself in the 
 glass yet. How are you ? 
 
 Mereston, 
 A 1, thanks. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Are you looking nice ? 
 
 ^Iereston. 
 [Comg to the rjJass.] I hope so. By Jove, what a 
 etrong light. i'ou must bo pretty sure of your 
 complexion to be able to stand that. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Apj)e(n'ln(j.] I am. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 119 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 [Going forward eagerly.'] Ah. 
 
 \She comes through the curtains. She ivears a 
 kimono, her hair is all dishevelled, hanging 
 about her head in a tangled mop. She is 
 not made wpand looks haggard and yellow 
 and lined. When I\[eri:ston sees her he 
 gives a slight start of surprise. She plays 
 the scene throughout with her broadest 
 brogue. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Good-morning. 
 
 Mereston. 
 \Staring at her in dismay.'] Good-morning. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Well, what have you to say to me? 
 
 ]\[erestox. 
 [Embarrassed.] I— er— hope you slept all right 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Laughing^ Did you ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 I forget. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I believe you slept like a top, Charlie. You really 
 mi<^ht have lain aAvake and thought of me. What is 
 the matter ? You look as if you'd seen a ghost. 
 
I20 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 ^ItUESTON. 
 Oil no, not at all. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're not disappointed already? 
 
 Mereston, 
 No, of course not. Only — you look so different 
 willi your hair not done. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [With a little ny.] Oh, I'd forgotten all about it. 
 Angelique, come and do my hair. 
 
 ISTaid. 
 
 [Apjrcaring.] Ye?, mi lad i. 
 
 [Lady Frederick sils down at the dressing- 
 iahle. 
 
 Lady Fjiederick. 
 Now, take pains, Angcli(HU'. I want to look my 
 very best. Angciique is u jewel of incalculable value. 
 
 Maid. 
 Miladi is very kind. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 If I'm light-hcnrted, she does it one way. If I'm 
 depressed she docs it another. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 121 
 
 Maid. 
 Oh, miladi, the perruqiiier who taught me snid 
 always that a good hairdresser could express every 
 mood and every passion of the human heart. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Good heavens, you don't mean to say you can do 
 all that ? 
 
 IMaid. 
 
 Miladi, he said I was his best pupil. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Very well. Expre,>s — express a great crisis in my 
 affairs. 
 
 Maid, 
 That is the easiest thing in the world, miladi. I 
 bring the hair rather low on the forehead, and that 
 expresses a crisis in her ladyship's affi\irs. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 But I always wear my hair low on the forehead. 
 
 Maid. 
 Then it is plain her ladyship's afii\irs are always in 
 a critical condition. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 So they are. I never thought of that. 
 
 Merestox. 
 You've got awfully stunning hair, Lady Frederick. 
 
122 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fuedeiuck. 
 D'you like it, really? 
 
 ISTereston. 
 The colour's perfectly beautifal. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It ought to be. It's frightfully expensive. 
 
 Mereston, 
 You don't mean to say it's dyed ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Oh, no. Only touched up. That's quite a different 
 thin<^^ 
 
 Mereston. 
 Is it? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 It's like superstition, you know, which is what 
 other people believe. My friends dye their hair, but 
 I only touch mine up. Unfortunately, it costs just 
 as much. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 And you have such a lot. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 Oh, heaps. [S/ie opens a draioer and takes out a long 
 switch.^ (Jive him a bit to look at. 
 
 Maid. 
 Yes, niiladi. [She (jives it to him. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 
 
 123 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Er — yes. [^'^ot hnoicing what on earth to say.'] How 
 silky it is. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 A poor thing, but mine own. At least, I paid for 
 it. By the way, have I paid for it yet, Ang^lique ? 
 
 Maid, 
 Not yet, miladi. But the man can wait. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Talcing it from Mereston.] A poor thing, then, 
 but my hairdresser's. Shall I put it on ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 I wouldn't, if I were you^ 
 
 Maid. 
 
 If her ladyship anticipates a tragic situation, I 
 would venture to recommend it. A really pathetic 
 scene is impossible without a quantity of hair worn 
 quite high on the head. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Oh, I know. Whenever I want to soften the hard 
 heart of a creditor I clap on every bit I've got. But 
 I don't think I will to-day. I'll tell you what, a 
 temple curl would just fit the case. 
 
124 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 AFaid. 
 
 'J'lien her la(ly.-;hip iDcliiies to comei-ly. Veiy well, 
 X say no moi c. 
 
 [Lady Fiiederick takes two iemph-curls from 
 the draicer. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Aren't they dears? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 YouVe admired them very often, Charlie, haven't 
 you? I suppose you never knew they cost a guinea 
 each? 
 
 Merestox, 
 
 It never occurred to me they were false. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 The masculine intelligence is so gross. Didn't 
 your mother tell you ? 
 
 Merestox. 
 My mother told me a great deal. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 r expect she overdid it. There, Kuw that's done. 
 D'you think it looks nice ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Charming. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 125 
 
 Lady Fredeuick. 
 Angelique, his lordship is satisfied. You may 
 disappear. 
 
 Maid. 
 Yes, miladi. [She goes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Now, tell me you think I'm the most ravishing 
 creature you ever saw in your life. 
 
 Merestox. 
 I've told you that so often. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Stretching out her hands.] You are a nice boy. It 
 was charming of you to say — what you did yesterday. 
 I could have hugged you there and then, 
 
 Merestox. 
 Could you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Ob, my dear, don't be so cold. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to be. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Haven't you got anything nice to say to me at all ? 
 
 Merestox. 
 
 I don't know what I can say that I've not said a 
 thousand times already. 
 
126 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Tell me what you thought of all night when you 
 tossed on that sleepless pillow of yours. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I was awfully anxious to see you again. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Didn't you have a dreadful fear that I shouldn't 
 be as nice as you imagined ? Now, come — honestly. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Well, yes, I suppose it crossed my mind. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 And am I ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Of course. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You're sure you're not disappointed % 
 
 MEliESTON. 
 
 Quite sure. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 What a relief ! You know, I've been tormenting 
 myself dreadfully. I said to myself: " lle'Jl go on 
 thinking of mo till he imagines I'm the most 
 beautiful woman in the world, and then, when lie 
 comes here and sees the plain reality, it'll be an awful 
 blow. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 127 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 What nonsense ! How could you think anything 
 of the kind ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Are you aware that you haven't shown the least 
 desire to kiss me yet ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 I thought — I thought you might not like it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It'll be too late in a minute. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Why ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Because I'm just going to make up, you silly boy. 
 
 Mereston. 
 How ? I don't understand. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 You said I must be very sure of my complexion. 
 Of course I am. Here it is. 
 
 [She runs her fingers over a roiv of little pots 
 and vases, 
 
 Mereston. 
 Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. 
 
128 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You don't mean to say you thought it natural ? 
 
 TsEkuestox. 
 It never occurred to me it might be anything else. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It's really too disheartening. I spend an hour 
 every day of my life making the best complexion in 
 !Monte Carlo, and you think it's natural. Why, I 
 might as well be a dairymaid of eighteen. 
 
 MER'iSTOX. 
 
 I'm very sorry. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I forgive you. . . . You may kiss my hand. [He does 
 8oA You dear boy. [Loofdjvj at herself in the ^/ars.] 
 Oh, Betsy, you're not looking your best to-day. 
 [SJialcing her finger at the glass.^ This won't do, Betsy, 
 my dear. You're very nearly looking your age. 
 [Turning round quickly.] D'you think I look fort}- ? 
 
 Meueston. 
 I never a.'^ked myself how old you were. 
 
 Lady FriEDERicK. 
 
 "Wed), I'm not, you know. And I shan't be as long 
 as tiiere's a pot of rouge and a powder pufl' in the 
 world. [She rubs grease j/uint all over her face. 1 
 
LADY FREDERICK 129 
 
 Meueston. 
 What are you doing ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I wish I were an actress. They have such an 
 advantage. They only have to make up to look well 
 behind the footlights ; but 1 have to expose myself to 
 that beastly sun. 
 
 Mereston. 
 [I^ervousli/.] Yes, of course. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Is your mother dreadfully annoyed with you ? And 
 Paradine must be furious. I shall call him Uncle 
 Paradine next time I see him. It'll make him feel 
 so middle-aged. Charlie, you don't know how grateful 
 I am for what you did yesterday. You acted like a 
 real brick. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 It's awfully good of you to say so. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 [Turning.] Do I look a fright ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 Oh, no, not at all. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I love this powder. It plays no tricks with you. 
 Once I put on a new powder that I bought in Paris, and 
 as soon as I went into artificial light it turned a bright 
 
 I 
 
 * 
 
130 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 mauve. I was very much annoyed. You wouldn't 
 like to go about with a mauve face, would you ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 No, not at all. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Fortunately I had a green frock on. And mauve 
 and green were very fashionable that year. Still I'd 
 sooner it hadn't been on my face. . . . There. I think 
 that'll do as a foundation. I'm beginning to feel 
 younger already. Now for the delicate soft bloom of 
 youth. The great difficulty, you know, is to make 
 both your cheeks the same colour. [Turning to hijn.] 
 Charlie, you're not bored, are you ? 
 
 Meki:stux. 
 No, no. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I always think my observations have a peculiar 
 piquancy when I have only one cheek rouged. I 
 remember once I went out to dinner, and as soon as I 
 eat down I grew conscious of the fact that one of my 
 cheeks was much redder than the other. 
 
 Merestox. 
 By George, that was awkward. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Chai-lie, you are a good-looking boy. I had no 
 idea you were so handsume. And you look so young 
 and fresh, it's quite a pleasure to look at you. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 131 
 
 Mekeston. 
 
 [Laughinj aiokivardli/ .] D'you think so? Wliat 
 did you do when you discovered your predicament ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 "Well, by a merciful interposition of Providence, I 
 had a foreign diplomatist on my right side which 
 bloomed like a rose, and a bishop on my left which 
 was white like the lily. The diplomatist told 
 me risky stories all through dinner so it was quite 
 natural that this cheek should blush fiery red. And 
 as the Bishop whisiDered in my left ear harrowing 
 details of distress in the East End, it was only decent 
 that the other should exhibit a becoming pallor. 
 [Afeanivhile she has heen rouging her cheeksJ] Now 
 look carefully, Charlie, and you'll see how I make the 
 Cupid's bow which is my mouth. I like a nice 
 healthy colour on the lips, don't you ? 
 
 Me RESIGN. 
 
 Isn't it awfully uncomfortable to have all that 
 stuff on ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Ah, my dear boy, it's woman's lot to suffer in this 
 world. But it's a great comfort to think that one is 
 submitting to the decrees of Providence and at the 
 same time adding to one's personal attractiveness. 
 But I confess I sometimes wish I needn't blow my 
 nose so carefully. Smile, Charlie. I don't think 
 you're a very ardent lover, you know. 
 
132 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Merestox. 
 I'm sorry. What would you like me to do ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I should like you to make me impassioned speeches. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'm afraid they'd be so hackneyed. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Never mind that. I've long discovered that under 
 the influence of profound emotion a man always 
 Expresses himself in the terms of the Famihj Herald. 
 
 Mereston. 
 You must remember that I'm awfully inexperienced. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, I'll let you oil' this time — because I like 
 your curly hair. [She sighs amoi'ously.^ Now for 
 the delicate arch of my eyebrows. I don't know what 
 I should do without this. I've got no eyebrows at 
 all really. . . . Have you ever noticed that dark line 
 under the eyes which gives such intensity to my ex- 
 pression ? 
 
 ]Mi;UESTON. 
 
 Yes, often. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Holding out the pencil.] Well, hero it is. Ah, my 
 dear boy, in this pencil you have at will roguish ness 
 and languor, tenderness and indillereuce, sprigiitli- 
 
LADY FREDERICK 133 
 
 ness, passion, malice, what you will. Now be very 
 quiet for one moment. If I overdo it my whole 
 day will be spoilt. You mustn't breathe even. 
 Whenever I do this I think how true those lines are : 
 
 " The little more and how much it is. 
 The little less and what worlds away." 
 
 There ! iSTow just one pufF of powder, and the whole 
 world's kind. [Looking at herself in the glass and sigh- 
 ing with satisfactio7i.] Ah ! I feel eighteen. I think 
 it's a success, and I shall have a happy day. Oh, 
 Betsy, Betsy, I think you'll do. You know, you're 
 not unattractive, my dear. Not strictly beautiful, 
 perhaps ; but then I don't like the chocolate-box sort 
 of woman. I'll just go and take oft' this dressing- 
 gown. [Mereston gets up.] No, don't move. I'll go 
 into my bedroom. I shall only be one moment. 
 [Lady Frederick goes through the curtains.'] Angelique. 
 
 [I'he Maid enters. 
 Maid. 
 Yes, miladi. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Just clear away those things on the dressing-table. 
 
 Maid. 
 [Doing so.] Very well, miladi. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 You may have a cigarette, Charlie. 
 
 Merestox. 
 Thanks. My nerves are a bit dicky this morning. 
 
134 L.-lCy FREDEPdCK 
 
 Lady Frf.derick. 
 
 Oh, blow the thing ! Angelirjue, come and help 
 me. 
 
 Maid. 
 Yep, miladi. [She goes out. 
 
 Lady Frkdertck. 
 At Inst. 
 
 [Site comes in, having changed the kimono for 
 a very beautiful dressing govni of silk and 
 lace. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Now, are you pleased ? 
 
 Merestox. 
 Of course I'm pleased. 
 
 Lady Frederick 
 Then you may make love to me. 
 
 Merestox, 
 You say such disconcerting things. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Laughing.'] Well, Charlie, you've found no difli- 
 culty in doing it for the last fortnight. You're not 
 going to pretend that you're already at a loss for 
 pretty speeches ? 
 
 Me RESIGN. 
 
 "When I came here, I had a tliousand things to say 
 to you, but you've driven them all out of my head. 
 "Won't you give nio an answer now? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 135 
 
 Lady Fuederick, 
 What to ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 You've not forgotten that I asked you to marry 
 me? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Ko, but you asked me under very peculiar circum- 
 stances. I wonder if you can repeat the ofier now in 
 cold blood ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Of course. What a cad you m^ust think me ! 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Are you sure you Avant to marry me still — after 
 having slept over it ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 Yes. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You are a good boy, and I'm a beast to treat you 
 so abominably. It's awfully nice of you. 
 
 Mereston, 
 Well, what is the ansAver ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 My dear, I've been giving it you for the last half- 
 hour. 
 
 Mereston. 
 How? 
 
136 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You don't for a moment suppose I should have let 
 you into those horrible mysteries of my toilette if I'd 
 had any intention of marrying you ? Give me credit 
 for a certain amount of intelligence and good feeling. 
 I should have kept up the illusion, at all events till 
 after the honeymoon. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Are you going to refuse me ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Aren't you rather glad ? 
 
 Mereston. 
 No, no, no. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 \ Putting her arm through his.] Now let us talk it 
 over sensibly. You're a very nice boy, and I'm 
 awfully fond of you. But you're twenty-two, and 
 heaven only knows my age. You see, the church in 
 which I was baptized was burnt down the year I was 
 born, so I don't know how old I am. 
 
 !Mereston. 
 [Smiling.] Where was it burnt? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 In Ireland. 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 1 thought so. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 137 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Just at present I can make a decent enough show- 
 by taking infinite pains ; and my hand is not so heavy 
 that the innocent eyes of your sex can discover how 
 much of me is due to art. But in ten years you'll 
 only be thirty-two, and then, if I married you, my 
 whole life w^ould be a mortal struggle to preserve 
 some semblance of youth. Haven't you seen those 
 old hags who've never surrendered to Anno Domini, 
 with their poor, thin, wrinkled cheeks covered with 
 paint, and the dreadful wigs that hide a hairless pate ? 
 Rather cock-eyed, don't you know, and invariably 
 flaxen. You've laughed at their ridiculous graces, and 
 you've been disgusted too. Oh, I'm so sorry for them, 
 poor things. And I should become just like that, 
 for I should never have the courage to let my hair 
 be white so long as yours was brown. But if I 
 don't marry you, I can look forward to the w^hite 
 hairs fairly happily. The first I shall pluck out, and 
 the second I shall pluck out. But when the third 
 comes I'll give in, and I'll throw my rouge and my 
 poiidre de riz and my pencils into the fire. 
 
 Mereston. 
 But d'you think I should ever change ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 My dear boy, I'm sure of it. Can't you imagine 
 what it would be to be tied to a woman who was 
 always bound to sit with her back to the light? And 
 sometimes you might want to kiss me. 
 
138 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 ISIerkston. 
 I think it very probable. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, you couldn't — in ca<^e you disarranged my 
 complexion. []\[ereston sif^hs deeplf/.] Don't sigh, 
 Charlie. I daresay I was horrid to let you fall in 
 love with me, but I'm only human, and I was 
 desperately flattered, 
 
 Merestox. 
 
 Was that all? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Ard rather touched. That is why I want to give 
 a cure with my refusal. 
 
 Mereston. 
 But you break my heart. 
 
 Lady Frederick^ 
 
 My dear, men have said that to me ever since I wns 
 fifteen, but I've never noticed that in consequence 
 they ate their dinner less heartily. 
 
 Mereston. 
 I suppose you think it was only calf-love? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'm not such a fool as to imagine a boy can lovo 
 any less than a man. If I'd thought your aftection 
 ridiculous I shouldn't hav" been so flattered. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 130 
 
 Mert:ston. 
 Tt doesn't hurt nny the less because the wounds you 
 make are clean cut. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 But they'll soon heal. And you'll fall in love with 
 a nice girl of your own age, whose cheeks flush witli 
 youth and not with rouge, and whose eyes sparkle 
 because they love you, and not because they're 
 carefully made up. 
 
 M'ereston. 
 But I wanted to help you. You're 1 such an 
 awful scrape, and if you'll only many me it can all 
 be set right. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, my dear, don't go in for self-sacrifice. You 
 must leave that to women. They're so much more 
 used to it. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Isn't there anything I can do for you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 No, dear. I shall get out of the mess somehow. I 
 always do. You really need not worry about me. 
 
 Mereston. 
 You know, you are a brick. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Then it's all settled, isn't it ? And you're not going 
 to be unhappy ? 
 
140 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Mereston. 
 I'll try not to be. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'd like to imprint a chaste kiss on your forehead, 
 only I'm afraid it would leav^e a mark. 
 
 [I'he Footman comes in and announces Para- 
 dine FOUI.DES. 
 
 Footman. 
 Mr. Paradine Fouldes. [Exit. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Do I disturb ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Not at all. We've just finished our conversation. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Well? 
 
 Mereston. 
 
 If any one wants to know who the best woman in 
 the world is send 'em to me, and I'll tell them. 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 \Taking his hand.'] You dear ! Good-bye. 
 
 Mereston. 
 Good-bye. And thanks for being so kind to me. 
 
 [He (joes out, 
 
 KOULDKS. 
 
 Do 1 see in front of me my prospective niece ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 141 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why d'you ask, Undo Paradine ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Singularly enough because I want to know. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Well, it so happens — you don't. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You've refused him ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I have, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Then will you tell me why you've been leading us 
 all such a devil of a dance ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Because you interfered with me, and I allow no 
 one to do that. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Hoity-toity. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You weren't really so foolish as to imagine I should 
 marry a boy who set me up on a pedestal and vowed 
 he was unworthy to kiss the hem of my garment ? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 Why not ? 
 
142 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 My dear Paradine, I don't want to commit suicide 
 by sheer boredom. There's only one thing in the 
 world more insuflerable than being in love. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 And what is that, pray ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why, having some one in love with you. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I've suQered from it all my life. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Think of living up to the ideal Charlie has of mo. 
 My hair would turn a hydrogen yellow in a week. 
 And then to be so desperately adored as all that — oh, 
 it's so dull ! I should have to wear a mask all day 
 long. I could never venture to be natural in case 
 I shocked him. And notwithstanding all my eflorts 
 I should see the illusions tumbling about his ears 
 one by one till he realised I was no ethereal goddess, 
 but a very ordinary human woman neither better 
 nor worse than anybody else. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Your maxim appears to be, marry any one you like 
 except the man thiit's in love with you. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 143 
 
 Lady FeedericKb 
 
 Ah, but don't you think I might find a man who 
 loved me though he knew me through and through ? 
 I'd fur rather that he saw my faults and forgave 
 them than that he thought me perfect. 
 
 FOULDE?, 
 
 But how d'you know youVa choked the boy off for 
 good ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I took good care. I wanted to cure him. If it 
 had been possible I would have shown him my nake.l 
 soul. But I couldn't do that, so I let him see. . , , 
 
 Fouldes, 
 \^Interrui>tinrj,'\ What ! 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 [^LaugJdng ^^ No, not quite. I had a dressing-gown 
 on and other paraphernalia. But I made him come 
 here when I wasn't made up, and he sat by while I 
 rouged my cheeks. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 And the young fool thought there was nothing 
 more in you than a carefully prepared complexion ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 lie was very nice about it. But I think he was 
 rather relieved when I refused him. 
 
 r Tltere is a hiock at the door.'] 
 
144 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Gerald. 
 [Outside,] Mny we come in ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Yes do. 
 
 Enter Gerald cmd Rose and the Admiral. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 [Exciiedii/.] I say, it's all rifrht. Tlie Ailmiial's 
 come down like a real brick. I've told him every- 
 thing. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 What do you mean ? Good-morning, dear Admiral. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Good-morning. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 I've made a clean breast of it. I talked it over 
 with Rosie. 
 
 Rose. 
 And we went to papa together, 
 
 Gerald. 
 And told him that I owed Montgomerie nine 
 hundred pounds. 
 
 Rose. 
 And we thought papa would make an awful scene. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Raise Cain, don't you know. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 145 
 
 Rose. 
 But lie never said a word. 
 
 Gerald. 
 He was simply ripping over it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Putting her hands to her eavs^^ Oh, oh, oh. For 
 heaven's sake be calm and coherent. 
 
 Gerald. 
 My dear, you don't know what a relief it is. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 I saw Gerald was dreadfully worried, and I wormed 
 it out of him. 
 
 Gerald. 
 I'm so glad to be out of the clutches of that brute. 
 
 Rose. 
 
 Now we're going to live happily ever afterwards. 
 \^All the ivJiile the Admiral has been trying to 
 get a word In, hut each time he is about to 
 start one of the others has broken in. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Silence. [lie puffs and bloics.^ I never saw such a 
 pair in my life. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Now do explain it all. Admiral. I can't make head 
 or tail out of these foolish creatures. 
 
146 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Well, they came and told me that Montgomerie 
 had an I.O.U. of Gerald's for nine hundred pounds 
 and was using it to blackmail you. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Is that a fact ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Yes. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I never liked the man's face. And when they said 
 his terms were that you were to marry him or Gerald 
 would have to send in his papers, I said . . , 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Damn his impudence. 
 
 Admiral. 
 How did you know ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Because I'd have said it myself. 
 
 Ckrald. 
 
 And the Admiral stumped up like a mui He 
 <:ave me a cheipie for the money, and I've just this 
 moment sent it ou to Montgomerie. 
 
LADY FREDERICK i47 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Taking both his hands,] It's awfully good of you, 
 and I'm sure you'll never regret that you gave Gerald 
 a chance. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 May I have a few words' private conversation with 
 you ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Of course. [To the others.] Make yourselves scarce. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 We'll go on the balcony, shall we ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I'm sorry to trouble you, but it'll only toke three 
 minutes. 
 
 [Gerald and Eose and Fouldes go on to the 
 balcony. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [When they've gone.] There. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Well, what I wanted to say to yon was this : I 
 like Gerald, but I think he wants guiding. D'you 
 follow me ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I'm sure he will take your advice always. 
 
148 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 It's a woman's hand that he wants. Now if you 
 and I were to join forces we could keep liim out of 
 mischief, couldn't we ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, I'll come and stay with you whenever you ask 
 me. I love giving good advice when I'm quite sure it 
 won't be taken. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 I was thinking of a more permanent arrangement. 
 Look here, why don't you marry me ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 My dear Admiral ! 
 
 Admiral. 
 I don't think an attractive woman like you ought 
 to live alone. She's bound to get in a scrape. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It's awfully good of you, but. . . . 
 
 A dm I HAL. 
 
 You don't think I'm too old, do you? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Of course not. You're in the very prime of lifo 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 There's life in the old dog yet, I can tell you. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 149 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I feel sure of that. I never doubted it for a 
 moment. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Then what have you got against me? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You wouldn't like to commit polygamy, would 
 you? 
 
 Admiral. 
 Eh? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You see, it's not a question of marrying me only, 
 but all my tradespeople. 
 
 Admiral. 
 I hadn't thought of that. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Besides, you're Rose's father, and I'm Gerald's 
 sister. If we married I should be my brother's 
 mother-in-law, and my step-daughter would be my 
 sister. Your daughter would be your sister-in-law, 
 and your brother would just snap his fingers at your 
 fatherly advice. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 [Confused.] Eh ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I don't know if the prayer-book allows things like 
 that, but if it does I think it's hopelessly immoral. 
 
150 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 AVell, shall I tell them I've changed my mind and 
 they can't marry ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Then there'd be no reason for us to — commit the 
 crime, would there ? 
 
 Admiral. 
 I hadn't thought of that. I suppose not. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 You're not cross with me, are you ? I'm very 
 much flattered, and I thank you from the bottom of 
 my heart. 
 
 Admiral. 
 
 Not at all, not at all. I only thought it might save 
 trouble. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Calling,] Gerald. Come along. [J'/tei/ come in.] 
 We've had our little talk. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 Everything {satisfactory ? 
 
LADY FREDERICK 151 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [With a look at the Admiral.] Quite. 
 
 Admiral. 
 [Gruffli/.] Quite. 
 
 Lady Frederick's Footman enters. 
 
 Footman. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie wishes to know if he may see 
 your ladyship. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'd forgotten all about him. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Let me ^0 to him, shall I ? 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 
 No, I'm not afraid of him any lonofer. He can't do 
 anything to you. And as far as I'm concerned it 
 doesn't matter. 
 
 Gerald. 
 Then I'll tell him to ^o to the devil. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 No, I'm going to tell him that myself. [To the 
 Footman.] Ask Captain Montgomerie to come here. 
 
152 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Footman. 
 Ye5:, miladi. [Exit. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [IVaUciiir/ vp and down furiously.^ I'm going to tell 
 him that myself. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Now keep calm, Betsy. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Venj deliherateli/.] I shall not keep calm. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Remember that you're a perfect lady. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Don't interfere with me. I ate humble pie yester- 
 day, and it didn't agree with me at all. 
 
 [Footman enters to announce CArTAix Mont- 
 gomerie, who folloii's him, and immediate! y 
 withdraics. 
 
 Footman, 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 CArTAIN MONTGOMERIB 
 
 I Tow d'you do. 
 
 [//e is obriousb/ siirpi'isrJ t > f^cc the others. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 153 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Pleasantly.'] Quite a part}^, aren't we ? 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Yes. [A pause.] I hope you don't mind my coming 
 so early ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Not at all. You made an appointment for half- 
 past ten. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I trust you have good news for me. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Captain Montgomerie, every one here knows the 
 circumstances that have brought you. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I should have thought it wiser for both our sakes 
 not to make them too public. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Very amiably.] I don't see why you should be 
 ashamed because you made mo a proposal of 
 marriage ? 
 
154 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 I'm sorry you should think it a laughing matter, 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I don't. I never langh at an impertinence. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 [Talce7i aback.] I beg your pardon. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Surely the receipt of my brother's letter was 
 suflicient answer for you. After that you must have 
 guessed there was no likelihood that I should change 
 my mind. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 What letter? I don't understand. 
 
 Gerald. 
 I sent you a note this morning enclosing a cheque 
 for the money I lost to you. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I've not received it. 
 
 Gerald. 
 
 It must be waiting for you at the hotel. 
 
 [Captain Montgomerie pauses and lools inedi- 
 tatively at the assembled coj)ipani/. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 155 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I think there's nothing for which I need detain 
 you longer. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 [Smiling.'] I don't think I've quite finished yet. 
 Has it slipped your memory that the two bills fall due 
 to-day ? Allow me to present them. 
 
 [He takes them out of his pocket-hook. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I'm very sorry I can't pay them — at present. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 I regret that I can't wait. You must pay them. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I tell you it's impossible. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Then I shall get an order against you. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 That you may do to your heart's content. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 
 You realise tlie consequences. It's not very nice 
 to be an undischarged bankrupt. 
 
156 LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Fkedeuick. 
 Much nicer than to marry a rascally money-lender. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 May I look at these interesting documents? 
 
 Captain Moxtgomerie. 
 
 Certainly. [Blandly.] I haven't the least wish to 
 be offensive. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Taking them,'] You fail lamentably in achieving 
 your wish. Three thousand five hundred pounds in 
 all. It seems hardly worth while to make a fuss about 
 so small a sum, 
 
 Captaix Moxtgomerie. 
 I'm in urgent need of money. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 [IronkaUij.'\ So rich a man as you? 
 
 Captain Moxtgomerie. 
 Even a rich man may be temporarily embarrassed, 
 
 FOI'LDES, 
 
 Then be so good as to wait for one m( mcnt. [Ih sits 
 down at a table and tcrites a cheque.] No t^i^ht is 
 
LADY FREDERICK 157 
 
 more affecting than that of a miUionaire in financial 
 straits. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Paradine ! 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 [Handing the cheque.'] Now, sir, I think that settles 
 it. Will you exchange my cheque for those bills \ 
 
 Captain Montgomerie. 
 Damn you, I forgot you, 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 You may not be aware that it's unusual to swear in 
 the presence of ladies. 
 
 Captain Montgomerie, 
 [Looking at the cheque.] 1 suppose it's all right. 
 
 [Paradine goes to the door and opens it. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 There is the window, and here is the door. Which 
 will you choose ? 
 
 [Captain Montgomerie looks at him icithout 
 answering, shrugs his shoulders and goes 
 out. 
 
I5S LADY FREDERICK 
 
 Lady Frederick, 
 Oh, Paradine, you are a brick. 
 
 Gerald. 
 I say it's awfully good of you. 
 
 FOULDES, 
 
 Nonsense. I've got a strong sense of effect, and I 
 always cultivate the dramatic situation. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I shall never be able to pay you back, Paradine. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 My dear, I'm not entirely devoid of intelligence. 
 
 Admiral. 
 Well, well, I must be off to take my constitutional. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 And Rose and Gerald must take care of you. Wo 
 shall all meet at luncheon. 
 
 Admiral, 
 
 Yes, yes. 
 
 [77ie Admiral, Rose and Gerald go ovf. Lady 
 Fredhkick goes vp to Pahadine and takes 
 his hands. 
 
LADY FREDERICK 159 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Thanks awfully. You are a good friend. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 By George, how your eyes glitter ! 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 It's only belladonna, you know. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 I'm not such a fool as my nephew, my dear. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Why did you do it ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 D'you know what gratitude is ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Thanks for past favours and a lively sense of benefits 
 to come. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Well, yesterday you had my sister in the hollow of 
 your hand. She gave you great provocation, and you 
 burnt those confounded letters. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 My dear Paradine, I can't get over my own 
 magnanimity. And what are the benefits to come ? 
 
iGo LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 Well it might be five per cent, on the capital. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 I don't know why you should squeeze my hands all 
 the time. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 But it isn't. Look here, don't you get awfully tired 
 of racketting about i 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Oh, my dear friend, I'm sick to death of it. I've 
 got half a mind to retire from the world and bury 
 myself in a hermitage. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 So have I, and I've bought the lease of a little 
 house in Norfolk Street, Park Lane. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Just the place for a hermitage — f;u>hionable without 
 being vulgar. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 And I propose to live there quite quietly, and I 
 shall just subsist on a lew dried herbs, don't you 
 know 
 
LADY FREDERICK i6i 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 But do have theui cooked by a really good French 
 chef ; it makes suoh a difl'erence. 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 And what d'you say to joining me ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I? 
 
 Fouldes. 
 You. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, I am a success to-day. That's another proposal 
 of marriage. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 It sounds very much like it. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 I've already had three this morning. 
 
 Fouldes. 
 
 Then I should think you've said "no" quite often 
 enough. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 Come at ten o'clock to-morrow, and you shall see me 
 make up. 
 
 L 
 
LADY FREDERICK 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 D'you think that wouhl choke me oil'? D'you 
 suppose I don't know that behind that very artificial 
 complexion there's a dear little woman called Betsy 
 who's irenuine to the bottom of her soul ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 Oh, don't be so sentimental or I shall cry. 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Well, what is it to be ? 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 
 [Iler voice breaking.^ D'you like me still, Paradine, 
 after all these years ? 
 
 FoULDES. 
 
 Yes. \^S!he looJcs at him, her lips qiiivering. lie 
 stretches out his a7'77is, and she, breaking down, hides 
 her face on his shoidder.] Now don't bo an ass, 
 ]3etsy. ... I know you'll say in a minute I'm the 
 only man you ever loved. 
 
 Lady Kkedeiuck. 
 
 [Luoliug tip with a hmgh.] Isiian't. . , . But what 
 will your sister fcay i 
 
LADY FREDERICK 163 
 
 FOULUES. 
 
 I'll tell her there was only one way in which I 
 could save Ciiarlie from your clutches. 
 
 Ladv Frederick. 
 What ? 
 
 FOULDES. 
 
 By marrying you myself. 
 
 Lady Frederick. 
 [Putting up her face.] Monster. 
 
 [He kisses her lips.'\ 
 
 the end. 
 
 Printed by 
 
 BALLAXTYNE Si COMPANY LTD 
 
 AT THE BALLANTVXE PRESS 
 
 Tavistock Strekt Covent Garden 
 
 London 
 
STAMPED BELOW 
 
 AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS 
 
 WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN 
 THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY 
 WILL INCREASE TO 50 CENTS ON THE FOURTH 
 DAY AND TO $1.00 ON THE SEVENTH DAY 
 OVERDUE. 
 
 Oi 
 OCT 
 
 -» *^ 
 
 *My 8 ls^3 
 
 '^^^ 24 1933 
 
 ftUG 28 193S 
 
 NOV 2 1939 
 
 •^ov 3C :M2 ^ 
 
 MAR 9 1043 
 
 i 
 
 BEC. CO. JUL ^ 78 
 
 LU i;l-j0m-8.32 
 
u'c BERKELEY UBRARIE^^ 
 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 ;t.: -rv, - hA sVv: t--" -e^ ? ' ■> 
 

 1