rK PM5 THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES i4. 4 «> THE REBELLLION OF. THE BEASTS : OR, THE ASS IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE ASS!!! BY A LATE FELLOW OF ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE. " A man bath no pre-eminence above a beast." Eccles. Hi. xix. With Engravings. LONDON: Published by J. & H. L. Hunt, Tavistock Street, Covent Garden :^ And sold by all Booksellers. 1825. DEDICATION. To any Lord Chancellor. SIY LORD, The following work, which was lound amongst the manuscripts of a fellow of St. John's College, Cambridge, lately deceased ; and which I, as executor appointed by will, do myself the honor to dedicate to your lordship, will I hope be found to convey instruction moral and political, to those who would not reeeive advice in a more grave and didactic form. I am a clergyman of the church, as by law established; have been long settled on a small vicarage, in the west of England, where 1 have procreated nine daughters and one son ; who, the hopes of my flock ! having been sent to Cambridge with jf 200. per annum, did in the first three terms spend £700, and after a violent battery on the proctors, was expelled the university in full senate. I am thus reduced to the most abject of all trades — adulation ; and in this pitiful plight, on my heart's knees, I beg your lordship to remember my sad case ; to call to mind how poor I am ; how ready 88()40G 5 a^^*s;l£6 IV DEDICATION. to become a thick and thin man ; and how willing to receive one of the twelve hundred livin;;s iu your gift, and which arc never showered on ungrateful ground, but do always produce fniit, some ten, some a hundred told. Looking on your lordi>hip a;s> the great upholder of most high aiul superlative legitimate niexsures, which, but for your lordship, aftei 's fall, would have receiv- ed 'a deadly blow ; and, knowing how mortally you abhor all that cant and hypocrity in politics and reli- gion, which is infesting the world under the names of liberality, and piety ; and perceiving how mortally you hate the new system of coaxing and flirting witii the people, lately adopted by that able punster, ; and seeing how anxious you must be to have the high measures of the true system brought again into full play, I have thought that nothing was more likely to farthei your lordship's views, than the publication of this little work, which concentrates, in a cheap and popular form, the high, trne, orthodox, uutaintcd legitimate princi- ples ; to which we owe so many violent though concien- tious magistrates, and so many truckling though religi- ous clergymen. This work of my poor dear departed friend, and which I presume is an allegory, (as the facts that it relates are all unknown to me) will be found to convey a DEDICATION. V death-blow to all that pestilential stuff which is putting the holy alliauce, and others, to such uneasiness ; and which, though it is called Reform, evidently only means murder, rapes, upsetting of altars, carnage, house-break- ing, and beheading of kings ; which has deluged Eu- rope with seas of blood, and has struck off so many taxes, places, sinecures, and pensions, from well-affected courtiers and orthodox rats. The great effects which I naturally anticipate from the publication of this alle- gory, will draw your lordship's attention to me ; and I cannot imagine that you will do less than present me two neighbouring livings, valued each at i£400. per ac- nuni ; and I cau assure you, that, though 1 was once a violent radical, and am now a Sociuian, yet I will give up both politics and religion, for the sake of anything that you may have to give, or I to gain. The ques- tion of reform has been wisely settled on the continent, by the holy alliance ; and, at present, the high price of corn, the facility of getting rents, and the general pros- perity of the kingdom, (as the ministers term it, when praising one another) has lulled it here in England with equal facility ; so that now is the time for govern- ment to make aggressions, and for adventurers to change their politics ; and to become that sacred animal which is generally known by the name of "rat," and of VI DEDICATION. whicli more may be said on another occasion. Amongst the rati, I am most anxious to be classed ; and I do assure your lord!>)iip, that, when you have given me a living, I will become a furious and unjust magistrate, a persecutor of poachers, a punisher of untried prisoners, a member of the county Pitt club, a drinker of port wine, a sporting divine, a reader of John Bull, a reviler of methodists, an abuser of bible societies, an enemy to the catholics, a Later of popery, and, in one word, a sound legitimate both in politics and faith. Your lordship must have oberved that the deans, and doctors, and admirals, and bishops, and half-pay officers have of late years drawn all their notions on morals and politics, from that orthodox paper of ribaldry the " John " Bull ;" whose loyalty and bawdry are so well known ; and of this excellent paper I would observe, that for the better instruction of the country gentlemen, it has abre- viated the study of religion in the short word — " Cant ; " that, for the abstruse science of morals, it has substitut- ed, " Humbug:'; " and for patriotism," Blarney. " Now I, who am of the abbreviating school, wish to add another word of this expressive sort, particularly as it alludes to that species of vice which this little work treats of, — I meaR, " sentiment, humanity, gentleness " of disposition," &c, &c. which, in a monosyllable, I t)EDlCATIOK. Vi\ beg to term " Rot; " that is to say, a rotten thing, s refuse dung-hill, a vile lump of filth ; so that with Cant, Humbug, Blarney, and Rot, we shall have four weapons by which we may throw ridicule upon all opponents; and by which piety, virtue, patriotism, and sentiment, may be laid prostrate before interested adventurers, whose sole object, as yoUr lordship knows, is to laugh at all right feeling ; and, having established vice as a system, keep that which depends on this system. When your lordship has perused this work, you will see how absurd and dangerous it is to indulge in that vile sort of sentiment, which has lately sprung up, and which Would prevent colintry gentlemen from indulging in the noble and truly aristocratic amusement of " cruelty to " animals. " What can Mr. Martin mean by his idle paradoxes? Is it not as absurd to prevent cruelty to animals, as to endeavour to abolish the game laws? What can be more wicked? Must not the country gen- tlemen be encouraged ? How can you persuade them to stay in the country, and set such good examples to the lower orders, (as we all know they do) if you do not allow them their ancient and hallowed amusements, of murdering fowls by thousands on the first of August ; of badger-baiting ; of the cock-pit ; of dog-fights ; and flogging their dogs every day, all winter through } of VIU DEDITATION. Iiare hunting, ami all the otlicr littic sanguinary do- lij^iit-i, in wiiicli young 'inquires take 8ucL pleasure, aui) tor which tlicy arc so funuil r What is a country gen- tleman worth, if he in.iy not send poacheis to the Bay, for interfering Milh liini in the right of cruelty to animalsi* Are not our virtues all founded on t\\e>>v noble, gymnastic, athletic, gentlemanly ainusemeuts? Do we not, my lord, owe all our manly courage to " thi; " i'uncy ?" Arc not our tall peasantry, our '• coun- " try's pride," all trained up in vigour and magnanimity !>y bull-baiting, and dog-tights? Oli ! my lord I stnli- inent will hv the ruin of us ; and thougii there is a sure majority in the house yet, some day or other J perceive that humanity vill sap the foundation of these things ; will abridge the country gentlemen of their pleasures, and tlius bring down the crown, the mitre, and the law, io one common ruin, and " great will be " the fall thereof! " This allegory, however, will be some slight check, to the mania of kindness to man and beast, which continu- ally is goading the aristocracy, like a heavy collar on a sore neck. It will shew how foolish and wicked it is> to indulge in theories that may tend to so much mischief; and will prove, to your lordship's satisfaction, that the adage holds good with regard to animals ; for if you DEDICATION. IX give them an inch, they will take an ell ; and there is no saying, what confusion and mischief may be brought on the kingdom, if the dangerous doctrines of humanity are preached to beasts in their present degraded situa- tion ; who, without any means of weighing well the truth, will of course receive with greediness the vision- ary tales of designing demagogues ; and, believing all that is said, burst out at last into open and dreadful rebellion. Depend upon it, my lord, humanity is as bad as pa- triotism. I cannot bear this fury for teaching and in- structing, and improving moraUy the condition of our inferiors. He was no friend to legitimacy, that taught the learned pig; and nothing is so cruel, or so wicked, as to make the lower orders wiser than their betters. — A poor man, and a poodle-dog should never be taught to read ; they are much happier in their present con- dition ; — and a cow and a negro are infinitely more to be envied, than the well-taught and democratic peasan- try of England, who would give their ears to be as well- fed, and as ignorant, as our West Indian slaves. Your lordship knows that we all live for what we can get ; that virtue and religion are not the object of our wishes ; that the fees and delays of the law are more profitable than piety, and sentiment ; and that we are X DEDICATION. never satisfied, till wc have got as much as it is possible to receive. What then, I would ask, is the critcriuii of happiness, but plenty? Plenty makes man and beast contented; and I consider a satisfied Jack-ass intinitely superior to a lord who has not yet got as much as he desires. But, once for all, I protest against all " cant, " humbug, blarney, and rot." Your lordship and myself vill not, I trust, acknowledge that stupid system of kindness to man and beast, that is deluging the world with its madness and its mischief; and I do hope, nay I feel confident, that we shall not be so far degraded, as to be termed philanthropists when we have descended into the grave. The rage of tlie liberals and the radicals will be very great against tliis little work ; and I have no doubt that it will be furiously reviewed in tlie Edinburgh and West- minster, to throw an odium if possible on the memory of the author, who, however, is far beyond the reach of tlieir malice ; and w ho lived and died in the firm, un- shaken principles, of thorough-paced, imdeviating legi- timacy, for which he got much abuse, and a good liv- ing, while he was alive ; and who, though perhaps he carried his notions somewhat too far, (being of the divine right school) yrt may be excused for his worthy preju- dices, when your lordship is informed that he was an ofd DEDICATION. xi bachelor, wlio never stirred from his college gates, ex- cept when he found it requisite to appear amongst his parishioners, to raise his tytlies in exact proportion with their industry. At present, it is requisite to conceal the author's name ; but if the public should favor the production of my learned friend's genius, and if it should be considered a useful remedy for the evils against wliich it was writ- ten, I can assure your lordship that there are other stories of this sort in readiness, equally useful, and equally amusing. In short, this work may be consider- ed the first of a series ; and, such as it is, it is dedi- cated most humbly to your lordship ; who, I have no doubt, will have the kindness to recommend it to the many under your care, and by their means to the society for promoting Christian knowledge, as a book of. infinite more importance and morality, than Robinson Crusoe, or Mrs. Trimmer's stories, so many thousands of which are printed for the lower orders, as a gilding to the pill of the XXXIX articles j which, I fear, sometimes stick in the throat, mixed up, as they generally are, with the doctrine of tylhes. Finally, my lord, allow me to say a word for my. self ; and to assure you, that, with the hopes of obtain- ing an excellent living, I am the humblest and most Ill DEDICATION. object ot your lordship's shoe-blacks -, more r«ady to crawl, and lick your feet, than any clerical sycophant that ever before grovelled in the dust, or sold his con- science to a minister ; — and though our order is famous for its political pliability, yet I do beg your lordship to consider me, if possible, still more slavish than usual , more ready to obey any commands that may be given me ; more supple, more courteous, more docile, and more obedient, than any other in his majesty's dominions. I have the honor to subscribe myself, My lord. Your lordship's thorough varlet, JOHN PIMPLICO. REBELLION OF THE BEASTS. CHAP. I. MY name is John Sprat. I am the son of a qua- ker who lived at Norwich, and who left me at the tender age of thirteen in a pair of fustian breeches and a broad-brim hat, to weep for the loss of the best of parents, and most pious of quakers ; with nothing to console me, but a hundred thousand pounds in the three per cents, and a whole room full of mortgages on all the gentlemen's estates in Norfolk. " Son," said he, in dying, " beware " of the snares of Satan ; and when thou art a " great man, think that thou art of a humble " quaker family, which will keep thee from pride. " Thou wilt assuredly be a great man some day, B 14 RrnELLlON OF " for I dreamed on the niijht of thy birth, that " thou wort born with a broad-brim hat of lari;e " dimensions, that coNcrcnl all the counties ofNor- " folk and SutTolk; and that all the fustian of " Norwich manufacture was expended to make " thee a pair of breeches. This meaneth grcal- " ness. Thy mother, Jane, dreanted also, " that all the Jack-asses in En-^dand came and " presented thee with a crown, and styled thee " the Liberator of Donkeys; and that after thy " death, thou wast turned into a new constella- " tion of the Heavenly Ass; which, though very " obscure, meaneth also some great thing. Thou " wilt assuredly be a great man. Feed the poor, " turn out thy toes, help the brethren, and twirl " thy thumbs, as I ever have taught thee." So saving, my ever-to-be-lamented father embraced me tenderly, antl, having arranged his night-cap, was quietly gathered to his fathers, haberdashers of Norwich. These things 1 like to reflect on: they are as the slave attending the Roman victor, ill a triuin])h, exclaiming, " Remember that thou THE BEASTS. 15 " art a man 1 " for, since I have become of sucli amazing importance to the world, I fear I should become proud, were I not sometimes to think of my origin, and my good father. Being much bent on knowledge, I put myself in the hands of a private tutor, to prepare myself for Cambridge, where I longed to shine in the literai-y world, though Cambridge was not a pro- per place for a quaker; but this step I was temp- ted to by my vanity. My tutor, who was a very learned man, carried me through all the intricacies of the middle verb of the Greeks, pointed out the Sylla and Charybdis of the optative and subjunc- tive mood, and made me understand to a nicety, the horrors of a solecism. In mathematics he did wonders also ; and, by the aid ofa-^-b, I could construct a pair of bellows, and define a thrashing machine. In optics, I knew by curves and trian- gles why I squinted; and, by trigonometry, I fre- quently took the altitude of the little house in the garden ; so that Mr. Copper, my tutor, frequently assured me I should get into the (irst class of B 2 18 REBELLION OF Trinity College, in tlie lirst year examinations ; a glory which I thou-ilit more desirable than the fame of Lord Wellington ; or the renown which posterity w ill undouhtedly bestow on Mr. Words- worth, for having written Peter Bell and Betty Foy. How short-sighted are our hopes in this vorld ! I lost the minor reward ; but have gain- ed instead of it a fame undying, immortal, and eternally encreasing in a geometrical proportion, almost as rapid as our system of taxation : — a fame which after my death will undoubtedly en- title me to be turned into the constellation of the Heavenly Ass. When I first went to Cambridge, I met with obstacles sufficient to sink a less courageous mind, so often was I put out of eizings and commons by the great and learned men of Trinity College. The reverend, erudite, and pious senior dean, would not let me eat any thing for three days, be- cause unwittingly I went to chapel in a black neck- cloth; another time, he made me get by heart three books of " Lxtcrdius de XaturA Rerum," THE BEASTS. 17 because I happened to sneeze in the midst of a fine anthem, the grand and sublime chorus of " the Frogs of Egypt ;" and another time, he con- demned me to attend fourteen divine services, and make two declamations in one week, because I came in somewhat late when the Reader had got as far as "Pontius Pilate."— Thrice was I fined six and eight-pence by the proctors for putting my cap awry on my head ; three weeks in my terms were taken away, because I wore gaiters ; and I was reprimanded ex-cathedrA by a bishop and eight seniors, because being pressed by a dose of salts, I took a short cut across the grass- plot, over which nothing but deities and senior fellows are allowed to walk. These things de- pressed my spirits ; but I contrived to hold up by perpetually thinking on my father's dream, and the constellation of the Heavenly Ass, which supported me through all the gorgon terrors of deans, proctors, bishops, and senior fellows. I did not indulge in many frolics at Cambridge, being naturally of a sober disposition ; so that B 3 in REBELLION OF inv juvtMiilc wit iiovor went beyoiul stealing a frw rappers i'ntin llic doors at night-time, and breaking halt' a do/cn lamps between Cambridge and Bannvfll ; whirli, alter all, I merely did to remove the odium of my being thought a qua- kcr ; and tor uhit h 1 was highly applauded by the young men of spirit and humour in this residence of learning. One more prank I must record, as hading to great consequences. Magdalene College is celebrated for its library, which a learned divine left to that establishment with the strictest clauses — no one can go into the library without three fellows at his heels — no book may ever be taken from the shelves ; and if a volume is missing at the end of the year, the whole library is forfeited to another college ; and if that college loses a volume, it forfeits the legacy to another college, and so on, all through the colleges ; till having run through Cambridge, it is to go to Oxford ; and, if Oxford should be care- less, it is forfeited back to Cambridge. Such ex- treme caution is ow ing to the great value of the THE BEASTS. 19 manuscripts, which hardly forty people have ever been able to see, owing to the suspicious jealousy with which they are guarded. Some friends of mine, anxious to chfeat all the satellites that keep ward and watch over this precious library, pro- posed to me to break through the windows at night time, and having rummaged over all the treasures, to set off some fire works, in order to draw the college to this holy of holies, and shew how the sanctuary had been defiled. I agreed to the plan ; for my curiosity was excited ; and ac- cordingly, at dead of night, we put a ladder against the window, removed the iron bars, and with a dark lantern entered this library of invalu- able books. We broke open all the doors, ran- sacked the cabinets, piled the books and manu- scripts in the middle of the floor, crowned the bust of Homer with a powdered periwig, and piled up a vast quantity of chairs and tables against the door, to be thrown down by the first comer. Having each stolen an old book, as an evidence of our exploit, we set off a roman candle B 4 20 RF.nBLLlON OF and a rocket from all the windows nt the same time ; and then retreated through the window by which wc entered, climbed the college walls, crossed the river, and set off to Ely, on horses that one of the conspirators had ready for us. The next morning we returned to Cambridge, and found all the town in an uproar. "Have you " heard what has happened? have you been told •• who did it."— "No; we know nothing about " what you are talking of.we are just returned from " Elv." — "Oh! the library of Magdalene College " has been plundered ! Such a loss ! What will " be done^" The bells were ringing to convene the senate ; and the streets were blocked up by big-bellied doctors of divinity, red-nosed heads of houses, proctors, beadles, syndics, caputs, and all the faculties, hastening to the senate-house, to give council in so great a calamity. Edicts were stuck up at every corner, with seals as big as a plate, signed by the vice-chancellor, offering re- wards to any one that would turn king's evidence ; and threatening all the offenders with e:;communi- THE BEASTS. 21 cation, expulsion, rustication, and humiliation. After a week's tumult, and twenty-one sessions extraordinary, and thirty-five latin speeches, and one hundred and eighty resolutions, printed at the university press, and ninety proclamations — it ended just where it begun — that they were totally unable to know how to find out the thieves, whilst we all the time were enjoying the confusion. When the danger was somewhat passed, we met together in our rooms, to look at the books which we had stolen. One was a small book of three leaves, of a mahogany colour, bound in scar- let Genoa velvet, embossed with gold, and was " A Daintie and Cunninge Device to make " Peese Porrige with thryfte and economie ;— " printed by Master William Goslinge, near to " St. Margerite's Church, London, in the yeare " of Salvation 1469." The second treasure was a manuscript letter of Henry the Eighth to the Lord High Chancellor, in which he called him a " stynking, nastie beastie, and foul divil; and " that if he did not mend his mind, his bodye B 5 •)•> REDEI-LION OF " thould be mended instead, bi/e shaving offe " the head with a two-edged sword, so help him " St. Bridsetle." But who shall describe the indescribable value of my spoil? It was a manu- script translation from a work of Cornelius Agrip- pa, " De BesCiis:" — part of which I will give. 10 9 " Beasts can speak, and lie that doubtctli the fact may read this booke. In the first month of the year, at the first moment cf the full moon, having taken a mouth- ful of parsley, mint, and wormwood, stand on thy left foot, and say these three words three times : • • • " Thou must then make a mess of two inches of a tallow candle, the hair of an ass's tail, tlie tooth of a horse that is broken-winded, a half-pound of witch-elm leaves, two she-snails, the parings of the toe-nails of a doctor of divinity, one drop of blood from a man learned in ma- thematics, three, leaves of Aristotle's Ethics, and a pint of linseed oil. Of this pottage thou must eat sparingly forty days at sun-rise ; thou must say three oaths a day, THE BEASTS. 23 and never go to prayers ; and if thou thfen gettest by heart the following litany, andjsayest it in the ear of a donkey, on a sabbath-morn, at three in the morning, the donkey will answer thee ; and thou wilt be able to un- derstand from that moment all beasts clean and unclean, all four-footed and two-footed animals, and all that swim under the waters, and all birds, and reptiles that creep on their belly, and all insects of the earth." The litauy, and all the sacred words, on which this science depends, I chuse to conceal ; for I never intend that any one but myself should be able to hold converse with brutes, but am per- fectly determined that the secret shall follow nie to the grave. When I had read this manuscript, I quietly put it into my pocket, and told my friends that it was an old work of no importance, so very ancient that it could scarcely be decypher- ed. But when I went home, I immediately set a- bout practising the rules commanded by Cornelius Agrippa. The only difficulty that I experienced in pu»su- ing the secrets of the occult philosophy, was in B 6 24 REBELLION OF making the sacred pottage, of which some of the ingredients were dillicult to come at. The tooth of a broken-winded horse I got from one of Jor- dan's stable-boys, for sixpence; but the parings of the toe-nails of a doctor of divinity, and the blood of a man learned in mathematics, were not so easily purchased. After puzzling my brains to no purpose for a long time, I at last determined to commence a love-aflfair with the bed-maker of a very learned doctor of divinity of St. John's College, celebrated for his ecclesiasti- cal aud controversial writings ; by which means I hoped to persuade her to bring me some of his parings as opportunity offered. The bed-ma- ker was very coy, and skittish ; but by dint of my romantic attachment, my beautiful sonnets, my pastoral ditties, and fervent, though delicate, approaches, I at length gained her affections, though it cost me one pound eighteen shillings in a new gown, and half a doeen of black worsted stockings ; with two or three ribbons, to set off her old bonnet that the doctor had given her THE BEASTS. 25 three years ago, in a moment of admiration. Her surprise was great beyond description when I re- quested lier to get me some parings ; but I told her it was only a whim of mine, which I could not account for. She said, she was sorry I had not spoken sooner, for she had two days ago thrown into the fire the very thing I wanted ; and that, to her certain knowledge she should not be able to meet with them for three months to come, as they were the result of a ceremony that only took place four times a year. At length the happy day came ! With what enthusiasm did I embrace the little parcel ! Tears of joy ran down my face ; and I pronounced the bed-maker the most charming and invaluable of her sex. To gain the blood of a man learned in mathematics, was also very ditficult ; but my ingenuity supplied the deficiency, and conquered all obstacles, so great was my thirst after knowledge, and desire of fame ! One of my guardians, a West Indian merchant, had sent me a turtle of the finest spe- cies; and by help of this turtle I contrived to get 'JO REBELLION OF what I wanted. I gave a large dinner parlv (o ihe most learned and nialliematlcal ujcn of Cam- bridge, and took j)articular pains to invite a great mathematician of St. John's College, whom I })late(l on my right hand side, and helped to the choicest morsels. This erudite gentleman is famed for his love of good eating ; and to in- dulge him to the highest possible extent, I filled his plate five times with calipash, and four times with calapee ; and made him drink two bottles of rhum punch before the cloth was removed. Of other things he eat in proportion ; and after dinner dispatched two bottles of port, and two of claret. I concluded the evening w ilh a large baiTel of ojsters, of which he devoured two- tliirds ; and a bowl of milk ])unch, of which he swallowed half; an amazing quantity of food for a single gentleman, in my opinion. After sup- per, he was seized with a surfeit and fainting iit ; and I, watching the moment, immediately (li.«;patched a messenger for a surgeon, who lived near at hand. The surgeon bled him co- THE BEASTS. 27 piously, by which the mathematician was reUeved and I gained his blood, which I carefully bot- tled, and put by in a closet. Thus, by my per- severance, I gained what I wanted ; and imme- diately proceeded to mix the pottage prescribed by Cornelius Agrippa ; which I solemnly protest, was one of the nastiest and most revolting things I ever tasted : not even excepting castor oil, which I used to consider the most disgusting thing in the universe. 28 REBELLION OF CHAP. II. Every morning, for forty clays running, was I made to vomit by this nauseous magical potion ; so terribly did it disagree with my sto- mach, nor was my joy ever greater than when the end of my troubles arrived. On the sabbath morn at three o'clock, I saUied out most punctually, and in Parker's Piece discovered a Donkey by moon-light, browzing on a thistle. With the greatest agitation imaginable, and my heart vio- lently palpitating, I went up to the beast, and whispered in his ear the litany that I had carefully got by heart. Who can express my raptures, when the donkey answered me in intelligible words'? I felt ready to faint for joy. — "Oh! Sir," said the ass , " how comes it that so great " a magician as you deigns to speak to so miser- THE BEASTS. 29 " able a wretch as me? for never since the days " of Balaam and ConieUus Agrippa, has there <' been found a man on the earth able to confa- " bulate with beasts. — Happy jack-ass am I, to " have been the fortunate one to whom this " wonder has been first revealed ! " 1 embrac- ed the donkey with enthusiasm, and shed tears of joy on his solemn face ; and promised, that I would buy him of his present owner, at any rate. " I am glad. Sir," answered he, " to see that so " great a magician has a tender heart ; and trust- " ing in the signs of benevolence that you shew, I will not hesitate to tell you that there is a grand conspiracy amongst all the beasts in the world, " to liberate themselves from the tyranny of man- ** kind ; since there are few so generous and " tender-hearted as yourself, or whose hands " are not dyed in the blood of poor unoffend- " ing animals. I, for my part. Sir, was wean- " ed at a very tender age from my mother, and " loaded with heavy weights before my bones " were thoroughly formed ; so that you see all (( 30 REBELLION OF " my legs look as if ihcy hud been broken ; " and havin>i clumctd from one master to ano- " ther, all thorough barbarians, was at last slo- " len by a gypsey, and he sold me to a chimney- " sweeper, who now treats me with greater cru- " elty than any of my former masters. He never " lets me walk an inch, without beating me with " a great club that he keeps on purpose ; and " has taught his two sons to whip me with thorn- " branches, and burn me with red hot irons ; " sometimes they all three together beat me with " hedge-stakes, for mere amusement, solely " because from extreme hunger and fatigue I " cannot put one leg before another ; and to " such a pitch has their malignity proceeded, " that I feel I am dying gradually of an ulcer of " the spine, produced by incessant blows, kicks, " and burns. This is a great affliction to me, as " I fear that I shall not live to see the glorious " emancipation of Brutes, and the humiliation of " that tyrant, man ; which if I could but witness, THE BEASTS. 31 " I would gladly bear ten years more of suffering " and misery." We were here stopped short by the approach of the chimney-sweeper, who seemed much surpriz- ed to see me looking with such fixed attention on his donkey, at so early an liour ; but I told him I had taken a fancy to the beast, and was anxious to purchase him. After much bargain- ing, and higgling, I gave him twenty-six shilhngs, and rode off on the back of my friend and philo- sopher. We had not gone a hundred yards, be- fore we were met by a herd of cattle, who, not imagining that I could understand them, began talking to my donkey. " Well, friend," said an old red cow, " are you going to work so soon ? " You have got a new master, it seems, \i ho, I " hope, will treat you a little better than the " chimney-sweeper." " Oh, Mrs. Crumplety- " Horn," answered the ass, " I have the honor " to carry on my back a great magician who can " understand every word we say, and who has " bought me of my late master from mere 32 REDF.LLION OF " compassion. 1 am sine lie is meant by " destiny to have a great part in the tniancipa- " tion of brutes ; else how would such a magi- " cian come amongst us, on the very eve of the " great rebellion ? I propose that we introduce " him to the chief conspirators in the fens of " Cambridgeshire, and shew him every possible " maik of esteem and veneration ; for, doubtless, " by his great power, he will be able to be of " great service to^ the good cause." " I am " happy," replied the cow, going down on one knee, " thus to shew my esteem for the '^eat " magician, for it is a rare thing to find a good " man in all their race, to such a pitch of cruelty " have they arrived. It was only last week, " that one of them took away my poor little calf, " scarcely nine days old, and sold it to a but- " cher, who yesterday morning passed down the " lane with a cart-full of poor innocents, tied *• together in heaps, amongst which 1 noticed my " little one; and when I ran bellowing after my " poor darling, to be allowed at least to see it THE BEASTS. 33 ** before they killed it, the infernal monster hit *' me a great blow on the head with a pitch-fork ** tliat nearly killed me. Reeling with pain, and ** bleeding as I was, I nevertheless followed at a " distance, and saw them throw my young one " into the slaughter-house like a lump of sand ; ** and advancing still nearer, I saw them beat its ** brains out with a large sledge-hammer, amongst ** twenty other little creatures as young as him- *' self, till the blood quite ran down the gutters " m rivers. Some small revenge I had ; for I " waited till the butcher came out of the slaugh- " ter-house, when I rushed upon him, and gored " him to death with my horns." " And I," said a magnificent white bull, advancing up to me, with becoming reverence, " I must not omit to *' relate my wrongs to the great and benevolent "magician; for yesterday I heard our tyrants " agree that I should be publicly baited, in order " to celebrate the election of a member who is " supposed to be the advocate of liberty and hu- " manity. At this baiting, I shall be tied by the 31 RF.nEI.I.ION OF ' noso to a slake, and lorn to pieces l>y savage 'do;^s; till, fati'^ued and overconir hy extreme ' efl'orts to avoid my persecutors, I shall be tor- ' mented with burning faggots placed under my ' biUv ; wounds will be cut on my back, into ' which tliey will pour vitriol and tur|)enline, in ' order to excite me to farther rage, by the most * dreadful bodily pangs that a poor animal can ' suffer ; till at la'st, entirely unable to move a ' muscle, I shall be cut up by the butchers, and * my flesh sold at a cheap rate to the wretches ' who have been enjoying my tortun s.'' " Oh, ' my friends !" replied I, " spare me these dread- ' ful accounts. Heaven knows I pity your mis- ' fortunes, and would gladly sacrifice mv life to ' emancipate you from the dreadful tyranny un- * der which you groan ; but what can I do? and ' how can you be saved ? " To this, the bull re- plied, with a threatening aspect, " Great magi- ' cian, our wrongs are beyond all endurance, and ' every beast and animal in the creation is in a ' league against man, that monster and disgrace THE BEASTS. 35 " of the works of God. We only wait for a pro- " per day, to rise tmiversally, and destroy our " oppressors ; an attempt which may be expected " every day, and I assure you that very few " will be spared in the grand revolution that " is meditated." After a little further con- versation, I agreed to meet the conspirators in the fens of Cambridgeshire, where all the plots and cabals were agitated ; and I returned home fu,ll of the most afflicting thoughts, and unceasing wonder at all that had happened. At night I could scarcely sleep for the tumult of my thougiits; and when I had, at last, fallen into a doze, I was awakened by a small, though shrill, voice in my ear, which thus addressed me. — " Immortal wizzard ! I am a flea: and in the " name of all fleas, and as spokesman of the bugs " also, I come to declare that our tribes have '* come to the unanimous resolution never to bite " you again, from the profound veneration we " have for your superior knowledge, and benevo- " lent disposition; and in the approaching revo- 36 REBELLION OF " lution, (hough our adversaries will not be allow- " ed a inomcnt's rest at night, yet you shall sleep " sweetly, and without irritation ; and we only •* pray you, as a return for our kindness, not to " feel a loathing when you see us again in a bed ; " for we solemnly declare, we only infest your " race to gain a livelihood, and should be the " most miserable of insects, if so great a man felt " any disgust on seeing us." " Illustrious fleas ! " pliilanthropic bugs!" answered I, " I gladly " enter into this treaty with your race; for hither- " to I have suffered much from your activity, and " have received from you bites which give me " pain to think of; nor can it be denied that I " have sometimes cracked a flea, and squeezed a " bug to death ; but this was owing to temporary " passion,and ancient prejudices which your mag- " nanimous conduct has completely dissipated, " and I solemnly declare that I will henceforAvard " treat you with all the respect that you deserve." On this, the fleas and bugs retired in grand pro- cession across my pillow, and deliberately march- THE BEASTS. 37 ed out of the room, as an earnest of their good in- tentions, which gave me considerable satisfaction, as an armistice with gentlemen of so much conse* quence is of no small importance in my eyes. After so agreeable a treaty, I slept without fur- ther disturbance, and rose early in the morning to go into the fens, about four miles from Cam- bridge, to meet the principal conspirators accord- ing to agreement. In passing along the streets, i was arrested by the lamentable tones I heard issue from the boards of a fishmonger's shop, and by the art I had acquired I could easily compre- hend the conversation of the fish that were yet alive. A large regiment of crabs and lobsters were just put on the boards from a hamper that had been sent from Lynn ; their claws were strongly tied up to prevent mischief, and they were yet black and lively. " Was there ever such cruelty " heard of," said a large lobster to a she-crab : '* here we are fished out of the sea by hundreds, '' and sent sixty miles in a hamper, to be boiled a- '* live over a slow fire, in order to gratify the gross c w nnnEi.LTON of " appetite of an old fellow of a college. Only see, " I count thirty-four victims of yesterday's cook- " iiig, placed in a line before us, all dead, and of *' an unnatural colour, so that it is pretty certain " ue shall have the same fate in a very short <' time." " Alas ! it is too true," answered the crab; " 943 sons and daughters of mine have " been boiled wiihin these last three weeks ; " and last of all I have been caught also, "- though I kept at home as much as possible. " My husband's entrails and legs were stewed *' in butter and pepper yesterday, and cooked uj, " in his back, as a dish for an alderman of this *' town ; and I have just been bought by a drop- " sical old lady, who declared that if I was put (' into cold water at first, and was boiled gra- ' * dually on the fire, and served up with salad, " I should be a capital morsel." " But what " are your miseries to mine," said an oyster:— ^' for here are three hundred brothers and sisters " of mine, all condenmed to be torn asunder by " great knives this evening, at a supper given THE BEASTS. 39 " by the master of St. John's College ; and I ** verily believe that more of our race are de- " stroyed at a single meal, than of any other un- " fortunate animal." " Courage, courage, fellow- " sufferers," exclaimed a silver eel, that the fish- monger had half-skinned, and was gradually de- priving of its beautiful covering, by unrelentingly tugging with his bloody hands, in spite of the agony and writhings of his victim ; " courage, my " good friends : for great as is all our pain, and " intolerable as is mine also, whose agony is more *' gradual and intense than any which you suffer, ** yet the day is near at hand, when every fish, " and fowl, and beast will be emancipated ; and " when I hope a large proportion of the human " race will be thrown to the sharks and sword- " fish, and when my elder brethren the conger eels " will swallow the tyrants that have been so long " tormenting us." The poor sufferer would havq said more, but the fishmonger by a fresh tug en- tirely pulled off the skin, which threw the eel into such convulsions of pain, that after ten minutes c 2 40 REBELLION OF .spasmodic agony and xiolent conlortioiis, it was relieved from its torture by a miserable death. " \N ;itfr---\viiU'r— water---" cried out a (Uiim trout, " water to save my lite; lor my tormentors " have decreed that I shall be gradually drowned " in air, and have already kept me ten minutes out " of the bucket. Alas ! what harm did I ever do " in my native stream? NVhy was I separated " from my speckled brethren, to be thus put to a " slow death ? My life has been spent in danc- *' ing up and down the rivulet, without intending " harm to any one : but in uiducky moment I " have been caught by the universal tyrant, " whose hand nothing can escape." Harrowed up with so much complaining from sufferers that I could not relieve, I hurried onwards, and in an hour found myself at the place of rendezvous for the conspirators. They were in the middle of a large swampy common, which it was dithcult to get at : but when I was perceived at a distance, 9, horse came galloping up to me, and when he had approached within a few yards he drew up. THE BEASTS. 41 and falling on his knees, requested that I would do him the honor to get on his back, and ride to the meeting. Having made proper acknowledg- ments to him for his civility, I got on his back* and was thus conveyed to the assembly, which consisted of cows, oxen, bulls, horses, dogs, sheep, and asses, who all made me the most flat- tering reverence as I approached them. The president of the meeting, who was a bull, desired to know whether it was my pleasure to receive an address of congratulation by a deputation of donkeys, that had been voted to me, nemine dissentientt ; and on my expressing myself too happy at the honor, four Jack-asses approached me, and the eldest, rearing up on his hind legs, thus addressed me :— " In the year of Freedom, One. ^' Liberty and Equality. The Brutes of Cam- bridgeshire and Ely, and Deputies from various places, being assembled in full conclave, beg leave to approach, with feelings of the profoundest respect and admiration, the immortal philosopher who has broken through the c 3 42 REBELLION OF secrets of nature, and tlic prrjudiccs of bis education, and has deigned to interest himself in the affairs of suf- fering creation. Great sir, we hail with joy your ap- proach, and receive witli rapturous enthusiasm your person, and your virtues, which words would in vain en- deavour to express, and which_ flattery cannot possibly exaggerate; for when wc consider the amazing profli- gacy and corrnption of your species, and the dear love of tyranny and cruelty tliat animates every man living ; and yet see you alone humane, tender-hearted, and be- nevolent, we look upon you as a bright star in the hea- vens, that shines through the clouds of darkness and of tempest. Great sorcerer ! the day is at hand when all the beasts, rising up in a body against their oppressors, will come in a victorious body to carol forth the hymn of happiness, at the shrine of re.ison and of liberty ; and when, even amidst the praises of two such deities, your name will be chaunted in choral song, and with universal prai$e< Deign then, mighty magician, still to illuminate our minds, to assist at our counsels, and direct our plans. All that you dictate must be wisdom ;] all that yoU wish, must be virtue ; and all that you execute, happiness and liberty for the sufferers that adore you." To this speech, which is so flattering that I THE BEASTS. 43 hardly can bring myself to write it down, I an- swered shortly, and told them in a few words that I would do everything in my power to pro- mote a cause which I so much admired ; and my answer was received with a loud braying of asses, roaring of bulls, bleating of sheep, neighing of horses, and barking of dogs. The business of the day was opened by admit- ting a deputy hackney-coach-horse from London, one of whose eyes was knocked out, who was spavined, and tired in all his legs, and had the grease in two of his heels. His ribs were unu- sually prominent, and there were two raw places on his shoulders and neck. " Brethren and fel- " low sufferers," he began, " I am deputed by " the grand committee of the London United " Brutes, to summon some of you forthwith to " the capital to assist at the grand rebellion, which " it is determined is to commence next Mon^ " day morning by sun-rise ; and I am ordered to " give you the most consoling assurances of the " hkelihood of a great and speedy victory c 4 44 REBtLLION OF " over our enemies ami ()j)pressors. Bre/hren, " lovers of libertv, the sun of emaneipntion i^^ " rising in (he political horizon ; and the fogs of " tyranny and prejudice are everywhere dissipat- " ed before that (;reat and glorious luminary, "whose fuel is \irtue, reason, and equality. " The emancipation of all beasts is written in " the book of fate ; and they who have so long " governed us by bit and by bridle, by thong " and bv spur, will be driven from the dominion " that ignorance first allowed, and cruelty after- " wards cemented. The sufferings of our tribe " alone are trenundou«;, and the thousands that " are sacrificed to the pleasure and avarice of our " tyrants every year is perfectly incredible. But " I will not dwell on the recital of our wrongs, " for we all suffer alike, and every species and " genus of animals is equally tormented by the " tyrant of the universe. Let us all then unite " in perfect harmony; let all feuds be forgotten^ " and all ancient rivalries be eternally obliterat- THE BEASTS. 45 " ed, that we may join in overthrowing that " despotism which is the enemy of us all." This high-minded speech of the deputy hackney-coach-horse seemed to electrify all pre- sent ; and a most touching scene took place, of the reconciliation of animals formerly consi- dered bitter enemies. The cow and bull em- braced the dog ; the dog, the sheep and the cat ; and the cat wept, in tears of fraternity and union, over the bosom of the rat and the mouse. The ferret shook hands with the rat, and the terrier kissed him also ; till all present, in one unanimous sentiment, held up their tails to hea- ven, and exclaimed in the most determined tone, " We swear eternal friendship !" Never was I more touched ; tears of sentimentality rolled down my cheek ; and I felt for the first time the blessing of a virtuous friendship, in a cause which liberty has approved, and courage pro- tected. It was then agreed that a deputation of the conspirators should immediately set oft' to Lon- c 5 4<5 REBELLION OF (Ion ; ami that on the Monclay next, at sunrise, all the animals in the county of Canihridgeshire should l)cgin the rehellion, by resisting theirnias- ters in every jjoint where obedience was required. The horses promised to kick the stable boys and farmers, and to overturn the stage coaches and stage waggons ; the cows declared they would toss the milkmaids, and break down the enclo- sures; the dogs promised to bite every one they met ; the cats to scratch, the rats to nibble, the donkeys to turn doubly obstinate, and the sheep, who had no powers of resistance, to run away from their masters, and seek their ancient liberty in uncultivated moors and desolate mountains. With these I'esolutions the meeting broke up ; and I promised the president to go with the de- putation to London, and aid the conspirators with the best advice I was able to give. THE BEASTS. 47 CHAP. III. I WAS but just in time when I arrived in Lon- don, for the very next morning the grand rebelH- on began, and I heard it everywhere said that the pubhc conveyances were stopped, owing to the restiveness of the horses. The spirit of rebelhon was evidently on the eve of a great eruption, which I could perceive as I walked along the streets ; the horses of the hackney-coaches were all tallung politics, with the greatest vigour, as they stood in their stations ; and the most blind, lame, and miserable of them all, assumed a spi- rited and lively appearance, such as they never had shewn since they were weaned. Some of more enthusiastic dispositions could not wait for the general uproar, but indulged their patriotic spirits by rearing and kicking, and breaking the c 6 48 RF.nKLLION "F coaches to pieces. At iiiifht I went to the groiiiul behind llusscll Stjnare, whicii is as yet a|)|)r<)|)ri- ateil to no purpose ; where an ox that I met in SmithfichI tolil me was to be tlie grand meeting of all the principal conspirators. The croud was immense; and 1 heard the watchmen in grand consnltation concerning this extraordinary assem- blage, of cows and horses, that were pouring down the streets. Some thought it must be an overplus in the market, which the owners not having the power to sell, were driving home to the country. But then again, they were puzzled that no drover attended them, and the horses without any halter confused them beyond descrip- tion. Though the meeting was so numerous, all was carried on with the greatest decorum, and modesty ; and it was agreed that all animab should be invited to draw up a list of their grievances, and send them in by a deputy to the great committee, or grand council of sccresy ; that the rebellion should commence on the mor- row by sunrise ; and that all who shewed any de- THE BEASTS. 49 ficiency in courage should be considered enemies lo the public cause ; — that a remonstrance, dic- tated by the president, and written by my hand, should be presented to the king, or home secre- tary ; and that if a favorable answer was not re- turned, no pause should be allowed in the war- fare. A poodle-dog, a deputy from France, was introduced to the assembly ; a merino sheep from Spain ; a bouquetin from the Alps ; a bear and a wolf from the Pyrennees; and various other animals from other countries, who gave the fraternal embrace, and were received with thun- ders of applause. The address to the king, which the president composed, and I was requested to write down, was as follows : — " To his Most Gracious Majesty, ^c. ^-c. *' May it please you, sire, to receive this ad- dress of tlie biids, beasts, fishes, and insects of your united kingdom ; who, with every feeling of respect for your august person, have nevertheless determined firmly oO REBELLION OF ami courageously to state their grievances, and call for reform. " Sire, nearly 6,000 years have passed away, with- out the slightest complaint from the animals lubjected to man ; and if there bad been the slightest compassion ihcwu to us, in our state of servitude, we might yet have bom our chains without complaint, and withont resistance. But now, to such a pitch of abominable cruelty have our governors arrived, that it would be wickedness in us to bear the yoke any longer. " We beg leave to state to your august majesty, that at the table that is served up daily to your majesty, there are not less than twenty difl'ercnt animals scut up, after having been sacrificed by cruel and unrelenting tortures, merely to titilate your majesty's palate ; and that tw o or three limbs of different animals are boiled dowui merely to make sauce for some other limb, which cannot be produced from itself. We beg leave to state also, that at the suppers of your majesty's numerous house- hold, there are frequently devoured alive not less than a thousand oysters ; and that whole regiments of small birds are roasted together at blazing fires, to feed your majesty's lords in waiting, and peeresses in their own right. Your majesty's beef-caters are an abominable in- THE BEASTS. 51 snlt upon humanity, merely from their name; and it is incredible that a hundred such monsters should be cloth- ed in scarlet and gold, and keep watch over your ma- jesty's person with gold battle-axes, as if they were pa- tronized by your majesty, and in high favour. These ruffians literally take their title from devouring whole herds of cattle, and are paid for that specific purpose. What would the world say, if your majesty were to keep a hundred man-eaters ? And it ought to be re- membered, that all cattle are the elder brothers of men, and were created before them. In your majesty's au- gust and sacred stables, are several hundred horses, kept oa delicious food, and pampered with every luxury, merely to corrupt their minds, and make them enemies to the liberties of their fellow-sufferers ; and this we con- sider a special grievance, and loudly calls for the dis- mijsion of these pensioners and place-holders of your majesty's household. The example that wicked men •have persuaded your majesty to set to your subjects has had its due effect ; and the lower orders of people have even outrun the cruelties practised by your majesty's household. No one can be a moment now after sun-set without torches made from the fat of murdered sheep, a burning shame of the nineteenth century ; and all .>2 REBELLION OF joiir lamps are kipl blazing by the oil taken I'roin whales, the monarch^ of the fish tribe, who have been barbarously destroyed by hooked javelins, and barbed harpooii!!. Your m.ijesty's soldiers can never go to war, without calling your sanguinary troops together by beat- ing an instrument made out of the skin of that most harmless and unwarlike of animals, the sheep; so that, by a refinement in cruelty, those who are virtuous and inivocint in their lives, are made cruel, wicked, and dc< stnictivc, after their deaths! And, as if such barbarity were not sufficient, the same animal is made to serve purposes still more horrible cind pestiferous ; for not a single act of the lawyers can be valid in these days, un- less it is inscribed on the skins of murdered sheep ; and when one considers the horrible iniquity and cheating of the law, and the ruin and misery it causes to everyone, it must be confessed that this last contrivance is more cruel than the first. " Sire, time would fail us to describe all our griev- ances; they are far too numerous to be related. Your majesty's subjects scarcely ever open their mouths, ex- cept for our destruction ; or close them, till they are satisfied with our flesh. Our limbs and bones are scat- tered in white and terrible heaps over all the land ; and THE BEASTS. 63 the ground is enriched by our relicks, and fattened by our deaths. Tlie fields grow green in oar destruction ; and even nature smiles, when the carnage of our race is more complete. The farthest lands under the sun are ransacked for some wretched animal, whose blood is less common ; and the deepest seas are sounded, for some rare and unknown fish, to enrich the tables of your priests and nobles. No clime is not hunted for our death or our slavery ; the bones of our elephants serve as keys for your musical instruments ; the feathers of our fowls to write all that is bad, and sign all that is noxious and deadly. Your feet are ornamented by our scalps, and your backs kept warm by our treasures. Your most dignified counsellors sit on a woolsack ; and the most exalted prince is decorated in the skin of the ermine. All your looks, thoughts, and wishes, portend ruin to the brutes; and, in cruelty so complete as this, all par- ties have united, without the slightest remorse. Whig and tory, king and republican, aristocracies, oligar- chies, and despotisms, are all alike our enemies ; so that our afflicted and desolate tribes have no one to whom to turn the eye of supplication ; — no one, from whom they can expect a moment's mercy, or a single word that pro- mises compassion. 64 REBELLION OP " Tlie hour is now come, sire, wlicn a pro|iliccy is acconipli!>lipJ, tliut all your divine.s aud bisliops Lutc entirely neglected ;itiougli in a book wbicli is read every day in the great clnircbes. The words arc these; — " he " shall save both man and beast ;"and our rebellion will bring these words to pass. Your august and sacred ma- jesty ought not to forget that beasts were created before man : and that a thousand warriors have been destroyed by the jaw-bone of an animal which you chusc to deno- minate the most stupid and contemptible ; that ull coun- tries have been originally possessed by us alone ; and it is only by your encroachments and ambitious spirits, that you have gained possession of acres in which you have no legal sliare. " Sire, the earth is ours is well as yonrs. Freedom is the gift of God ; and cruelty the invention of man alone;— and with such sentiments we have detennined to regain our freedom, and break through the bonds which time seems almost to have hallowed. If, like a great and a good king, your majesty will rise up in the cause of the Brutes, we will still acknowledge your authority: but if you yield to the voices of pernicious counsellors — then look to it; and remember four words THE BEASTS. 55 that have made kings Iremble long ago : — " Mene,mene, " tekel) uphursin ! " Signed by the Directory, HoUYNHiM Chesnbt, Esq. Fairfield Partridge, Esq. Jonti DoREE, Esq. Green Dragon-fly, Esq. Citizen Slug. LIBERTY ! EQUALITY ! This spirited and manly address, (if I may be allowed such an expression) was sealed by a cu- rious seal; the device of which was a man and a monkey sitting on the same chair, and holding up a world between them ; the monkey saying to the man, " O formose puer minium ne crede colori," On the reverse. King Nebuchadnezzar grazing amongst the cattle,— the legend :— " Pro Rege, lege, Grege ;" of which the proper translation is, "for the king, read, ihejlock" — This address I was ordered to take to inmiediately ; to whose house I went accordingly without delay. It was one o'clock in the morning, and the house ••iG RnnELLION OP ol llic ininistrr lor the lionie department was filled with ii lari;c party called ministerial, by wliich is meant a collection of pensioners, whose loyalty and votes are kept in play by port wine and cla- ret. The crowd was inimensc, and the carriages at my lord's door innumerable ; but the horses, 1 observed, were all unruly, so elated were they with the prospect of their speedy emancipation. After having been shewn into six antichambers, and having marched through whole regiments of powdered lacqueys, I was introduced into the se- cretary's otfice — the gentleman who writes the minister's answers from the king to his people. " Sir," said I, bowing, " I have a paper of the " greatest importance to deliver to the minister; " who, I trust, will deliver it to the king before " an hour is elapsed." "Of what nature is the "paper?'' in«iuired the under-secretary. " It is " a petition of grievmces, and a demand for "reform, from "' Oh!" said the under- secretary, " if that's the case, I w ill giv; you an " answer immediately, without troubling my lord, THE BEASTS. 67 " or his majesty either ; fur I dismiss such mat- " ters as these very shortly." So saying, he briskly took a fine sheet of fools-cap hot-pressed paper, perfumed with attar of roses, on which he wrote the following answer : " Gentlemen, " I have presented to Lis majesty the address which you have done me the honor of forwarding to me, by Mr. Sprat ; and beg leave to inform you that his ma- jesty has commanded me to say, that he sees no grounds for attending to your petition. " With sentiments of respect," "^I remain, " Gentlemen, '* Your obedient, humble servant. " But, my dear Sir," exclaimed I, "do but read " the petition, before you give me such an ansAver ; " the good of the whole nation depends upon " the king's taking the petition into farther con- " sideration. " ''That's what reformers always 58 RF.nELI.ION OF *' say ; and I assure \ou I have general orders " from (ho minister to put all reform petitions •' into the lire without looking at them, nor dare " I disobey orders so far as to except this " from the general fate." With this gracious answer, he handed the petition to a clerk, who handed it to a footman, who handed it into the iire ; and I had nothing to do, but to pocket the affront, and his majesty's gracious answer, an" walk out of the office. In going down the steps of the house, I was jostled by Lord Thunderbot- tom's servant, who was opening the carriage- door for his master, and the jolt I received push- ed me against the Duchess of Straddle ; her grace shrieked alo ud, and instantly I was surrounded by a troop of lacqueys and young'] noblenien, who having given me a terrible caning, rolled me in the gutter, after a volley of execrations, which I bore quietly, as became a quaker and a philosopher. This was the first time I had been introduced to the aristocracy of the land ; that exalted pri- vileged order, who, together with the crown, are THE BEASTS. 59 ordained by providence to shower upon the land the blessings of subordination, and submission ; and whose united weights so exactly balance the scale of government against the people, that a flea skipping on either scale would destroy the whole system of weights and measures, that all ages have agreed in praising as the most perfect of human inventions. Having risen out of the gutter, and shaken my ears as well as I was able, 1 marched off with the royal answer in my pocket, which I did not think would give much satisfaction to the rebels ; and on my way to the place where the directory held its sittings, I amu - sed myself with pleasing reflections on our excel- lent institutions, which allow of the wishes of the people to be thus easily disposed of by a clerk in office,without ever troubling the head of the nation whose head is filled with so much more serious matters. " The Routine of Office " was thus opened to my eyes ; a mystery which all cannot comprehend ; but Avhich to me seems to consist in giving civil answers, and doing nothing. To <;0 REIJKLLION OF nic, however, it appears tliat the matter niigiit he still more simj)lilic(i ; I'ur if some ready print- t'd answers were kept in the office of ministers, all signed and sealed for all occasions, llicr' would be nothing- wanted, hut a child to hand the answers out to the pclilioners ; and even that might be done by a small patent steam-engine, made express for the purpose, in the most econo- mical manner possible. As I have now brought this history to a most interesting point, when the grand rebel- lion was on the eve of a general eruption, I must just stop the course of the narrative a little, to let my readers know in what manner I was a sufferer and martyr in the cause of liberty ; for it would be impertinent in me to do so, when the great war had once began. It may be remembered that one of the articles of the potion prescribed by Cornelius Agrippa, was the paring of the toe-nails of a doctor of divi- nity, which I only could procure by a stratagem, 3nd by commencing an amour with a bed-maker THE BEASTS. Gl of St. John's College. As soon as I had gained what I wanted, I deserted the lady to whom I was so much indebted, a piece of ingratitude and perfidy which will wound my heart to the last moment of my life ; which even now makes me shed tears, and gives me a great pain in the stomach, whenever I think of it. And the only consolation I have, in reflecting on this black spot in my morals, is that Jason treated Mrs. Medea in a manner precisely similar ; and that several great men besides have been quite as base as I have, not forgetting jEneas and a more modern example. It is one part of repentance to have courage to confess sins ; and as I have done so, it somewhat relieves my conscience, and will, I hope, be a warning to any single gentlemen that read this shocking part of my history, that may have behaved in a similar manner, to make up for their perfidy as well as they can, by any honorable and gentlemanly method. The bed- maker, whose name from delicacy I will repress, finding that I had deserted her as soon as she had D C,'2 REBELLION OF i:i\cn nit' the doctor's toe-nails, fell into several jswoons and fainting-fits; and cried till her beau- tiful nose and e\es were quite red with weeping; and findinp; that I answered none of her letters, and paid no attention to her complaints, she fell ill of the cholic, and grew so lamentably thin, that her ribs might all have been counted ; so much were her feelings wounded by a sense of -slighted love. After some days useless com- plaints, revenge supplanted love; and desperate with her passions, in a moment of rage, she w ent to the doctor, and told all my plans to procure his toe-nails. Now, by the statutes of Cam- bridge, the little finger of a doctor of divinity, or other dignitary, is declared to be of greater value than the lives of ninety and nine students in statu pupillari, provided they be not noble ; and from this lex consuUissima, it follows as an immedi- ate deduction, that an under-graduate who steals anything from people so immensely his belters, is iiuilty of as great a crime as the theft of Prome- theus, that abominable and deadly sin, which THE BEASTS. 63 brought women and wickedness into the world. The doctor was in a rage beyond all description ; he rent his black academical, double-Lyons, silk- sunday gown ; he threw his perriwig into the fire, and turned over two chairs and a table; and kept demanding of the bed-maker why I had robbed him, and what use I could make of his excrescences ? This the lady could not explain ; but she suggested all sorts of horrible causes, and goaded him with hints the most cruel and agonizing. Thus a gentle heifer irritates a lord- ly bull, which some gad-fly is biting ; and by her presence, and her balmy breath, stirs him up to encreasing madness. The doctor instantly con- vened me to appear before the seniority ; but I, having left Cambridge, did not receive the sum- mons, and consequently did not attend it ; and was thus condemned of two crimes — " lese ma- " jesty and contumacy ;" and was expelled from that learned and enlightened university, from which I had taken so much without giving any thins: back. The proctor in the civil courts, who D 2 C4 REBELLION OF pleailod my ciiu.sc bcfurc the vicc-thanccllor in niY ahsoiice, endcavourctl to prove that I was noble hy hirlli ; a hard task for any but a lawyer, in any place but Cambridge; for if you get at a king in the herald's office, a hundred generations ago, in your Axmily, you are by academical law considered noble, and may get all the blessings that always attend nol)ility. The learned proc- tor undertook to prove that I was descended from Bruce, king of Scotland ; which he said was prim^ facie evident from the name ; for what etyniologist did not see the identity of Bruce and Sprat? "Bruce, Bruty, Brul, Brat, Sprat;" and he produced an ancient dusty manuscript (made the preceding evening in his chambers) to prove that a great, great aunt, great seventy-nine times backwards, bore a child to the twenty-ninth ne- phew of King Bruce ; and as the birth took place in Scotland, such a birth constituted a good mar- riage ; and that consequently I was of blood royal, and ought to take an honorary degree. An excej)- tion was taken to this, h\ the proctor emploved THE BEASTS. Go by the doctor ; and replications and papers were written, enough for all the water-closets in Cam- bridgeshire ; but the vice-chancellor got over my nobility ; and I was expelled in spite of my qivi- lian, who appealed to the king in chancery ; and the chancellor having given my case a hearing about four years ago, has promised to heaf it again in ten years time; when, I hope, justice will be done to me, my nobility proved, and I re- cover my state in Cambridge, besides gaining a nobleman's degree. The fair bed-maker having procured my expulsion, and thus satisfied her re- venge, felt a return of pity and of love, whicli, I am told, is the usual phenomenon in such cases; and she took it terribly to heart that she had in- jured one whom she loved so much. The matter preying upon her mind more and more, and find- ing that the doctors could do her no good, and that castor oil and poultices made her rather worse than better ; and that by her revenge she had cut off all hopes of reconciliation ; — she de- termined to quit this scene of tribulation and va- D 3 <;c; REBELLION OF iiity, by jiiittinu,- an end to herself without wnit- ing for death to come of his own accord, and hand her to her coffin. With such a detcrnuna- tion, she collected all the gifts I had presented to her, in the days of our tenderness ; a large flower- ed printed cotton gown ; half a dozen of black- worsted stockings ; a pair of shoes and pattens; a pair of red garters ; my old broad-brim hat, which I was ashamed of wearing at Cambridge i three love letters, and five love songs ; together with all her wardrobe, which she piled together in the middle of her bed-room, and set on fire. Having stuck herself with a carving knife, she jumped her last jump on Lhe funeral pile, and was found afterwards a half consumed skeleton on the floor. The flames set tlie house on fire, and that house set others on fire ; and thus ten houses were consumed in succession, which l)roved what an inflammable thing love is, and how bad a man I am, though a quaker and a magician. My reflections here become so very painful, and I feel such twitches and spasms about the peri- THE BEASTS. 67 cordiuni, that I am obliged to finish the chapter, hoping that my faiUngs will be a useful example to other gentlemen, that may honor my narra- tive with a reading. B 4 GO REBKI.LION OF CHAP. IV. War, llionid war, and Thames all foaminf; blood, I see : — 1. r, as soon as Aurora began to sow the earth with orient pearl, the grand re- bellion of the beasts began, throughout all the world. O citizens ! why did you wage these wars more than civil? Why did jack-ass fight with jack-ass ; and men w itli monkeys, where there was such a fraternal similarity between you ? Why did discord divide such real brothers ? par- ticularly when Englishmen might have been better employed in fleecing the French of the monu- ments of art that they yet possess ; and when (he heroes of Waterloo are wandering about, in nnrevenged shades ? How much land you might have acquired by all this blood-shed ! how many republics and free governments. Lord London- THE BEASTS. 09 (lerry and Prince Metternich might have sup- pressed ! The Spaniards might have been made to pass under the yoke ; and the Neapohtans, and Greeks, perfectly annihilated, but for this war of brothers ! The aUied armies might have restored the ancient regime in France ; and old Louis and feather-beds suppress the fire of insu- bordination that is manifest in the kingdom of lilies. At six o'clock in the morning, the din was uni- versal in the streets of London. AH the hack- ney coaches were broken to pieces in the streets; and thousands of people kicked to death by re- volutionary jack-asses, and republican geldings. The people had not slept a wink all night, owing to the vigorous attacks of the fleas, bugs, and gnats ; the king had scratched himself till the blood came ; and all the peeresses in their own right had kicked and tumbled about so, on their soft feather-beds, that they were thrown into :i perfect fever. The ghosts of the geese on whose down they were lolling, flapped round their bed» D 5 70 REBELLION OF at niidiiiiiht, let loose from Tartarus by Pluto, ami iiibbk'il their iiotic'?:, and cackled dismal tones of horror and revenge. Frogs and toads came crawling into every moveable, and every utensil of every manner. house was full of frogs ; his majesty found a Surinam toad bob- bing about his cup of chocolate ; and a great hull-frog began croaking in the royal tea-pot : slugs and snails crept into the pockets of the lords in waiting ; the beef-eaters were stuck in the guts by rampant oxen ; and the poet-laureat was nibbled by an owl, and kicked by a donkey. All the court was in dismay ; his majesty set off full gallop to , but the horses having taken him a little way overturned the carriage, and left their gracious sovereign in the mud ! The house of commons received a sudden call ; but a great beetle flew into the speaker's mouth, when he began to open the business of the day. The right hon. foreign secretary was stung by a hornet behind ; and a couple of earwigs crept into the ear of the chancellor of the exchequer. In the THE BEASTS. 71 upper house, the lords on the woolsack were overturned by two furious rams that came rush- ing into the chamber of peers ; the lord chancel- lor could not speak, for he had swallowed a frog which stuck in his throat ; a baboon took pos- sesssion of the throne : and a great flock of geese began a grand chorus of cackling that en- tirely put an end to all business. A resolution having been passed that the kingdom was in dan- ger, and that the privy council should see that the kingdom suffered no detriment, the house was hastily broken up, and the lords and com- mons got off as well as they could. Though the rulers suffered so much, the peo- ple suffered equally ; for all the streets were strew- ed with bodies of dead people ; and mad dogs, mad bulls, and slimy frogs, were running riot in ail houses. The plagues of Egypt never could have been greater ; no one could leave his door, but a troop of wild furious horses was at his heels; and if he escaped into some corner where horses could not follow, a savage dog, or a venomous D 6 72 RF.r.F.i.i.ioN OP reptile was ?iire to be in at the death w liich olliers had commenced. All the thina, glass, and jewel shops were broken to pieces by mad bulls ; and a cloud of hornets and wasps penetrated into every recess, and searched every corner. It was a fearfnl sight to behold so many wretches stani- l)ering down the streets, closely pursued by wild horses and furious cattle, without the slightest hope of escape, or release from their misery ; re- alizing all that one sees in a horrible dream, w hen the mind is oppressed with grief, or the body tor- tured by disease. The screams of terrified wo- men resounded in every avenue; men and child- ren were equally helpless, and all was one scene of terror, confusion, uproar and destruction. At night the order of things was reversed ; and a com- mittee of donkeys and monkeys met in the seat of legislature. The business was opened by re- peated acclamations, and several resolutions w ere l)assed to establish on a firm basis the liberty of brutes. At length, the " Rights of Brutes" were voted by unanimity, as a standard of all future THE BEASTS. 73 action, and the basis of every future relation be- tween man and beast. RIGHTS OF BRUTES. I. " Nature has made brutes and' meu equal ; t'.ie dis- tinctions necessary for social order are only founded on general utility. II. " Man is a two-legged, unfledged animal, without talons, or tail. III. " No brute can be", submitted to the power of man, without his consent. IV. " Without the assistance of animals, man would have remained on a perfect equality with the beasts of the forest. V. " The reason of man principally consists in his fingers, which are ten in number ; for if the wrist of man had been terminated by a hoof, instead of a hand, no art or science could have been discovered, nor any knowledge gained. 74 REBELLION OF VI. " Brutes are, generally speaking, stronger than mm. VII. " No man could live a montli witlioiit the assistance i)( brutes : — at least the customs of society liave made this intrinsically true. " LIBERTY !— FRATERNITY !— EQUALITY ! " Tlietlebate then turned upon the mode of tar- rying on the rebellion, so that it might end in ftty heroes, with whom there may be an unrestrained interchange of fraternity and lore ; — let us draw nearer in bonds of union ; — let us tighten the cords of love, and the links of philantrophj ! Send us a deputation of your finest young lambs. We have always admired their unsophisticated patriotism, and we long to embrace the south-down heroes, of whose good qualities the world says so much. It is time that all the beasts of the world should be closely united ; and tliat our tyrants, having THE BEASTS. 77 the evidence of our unanimity," should ruih in despair into the dens of darkness, and hide their heads in terror and cowardice. " You will be rejoiced to hear that we have upset tiie government of Berne. Wo came in a body from the mountains, eat up the syndics in the market-place, liber- ated the town bears, and declared the first era of Liber- ty and Equality, after a grand procession in the central square of the city. " Long live Liberty, Equality, and Independence ! " I can by no means give an accurate account of the war, as I was not sufficiently in the secrets «tf tlie parties, to know much that was going on, Ijeyond what every one has heard ; but if any tiling occurs to me, not yet published in the papers, I will faithfully notice it. I remember, a little after this time, that some old broken-down horses at Dover, that had been condemned to feed the kennels, but had escaped from their owner, intercepted a king's messenger that was travelling with dispatches from the court of Vienna to London ; and, by aid of the horses 7U REBELLION Of lliat were drawing his carriage, but who were well-aU'ccted to the cause of Hbcrty, thev con- trived to upset him, and rob him of his portman- teau. Several letters were found in it of con- siderable importance ; but one I particularly no- ticed, (for I was kindly allowed to copy it by the insurrectionary brutes) and if run thus : — " To , London. ** The Emperor, my master, has heard with concern and alarm, of the rebellion of the Brutes that has broken out in England ; and he has desired me to say, that he considers it the ramification of a great plot that has been batched throughout all Europe, by the se- ditious and ill-affected members of society ; who, being enemies to social order, are desirous to plunge Europe in the horrors of war, anarchy, and revolution. •' The liberals, free-masons, patriots, and other in- cendiaries, whose odious machinations the high and puissant members of the most holy alliance have so anxi- ously endeavoured to suppress, stung to madness with a sense of the loss they have sustained, and despairing of other means of liberation, have, it seems, at last leagued with the bujtes of creation, and joined common cause THE BEASTS. 79 against the monarchs, and the social order of Europe ; hoping, by this unnatural league, to restore the reign of chaos and darkness. " The Emperor, my master, earnestly begs that you will convince the members of his Britannic majesty's government, how necessary it is, in the present crisis, to strain every nerve to crush the first efforts of the incen- diaries ; and wishes me to state, that the means he has adopted in this new rebellion, are to suppress all the universities of Germany ; to throw all free-masons into dungeons ; to prohibit all newspapers ; to create a strict censorship on the press ; and to allow no books to be priuted, but such as relate to botany, concology, danc- ing, and other general subjects ; to put all suspected persons under arrest ; to call in all editions of the bible ; to send for several opera dancers to amuse the people ; and, finally, to execute twelve donkeys in the great square of Vienna, as a terror to all rebellious beasts — these donkeys having been conspicuous for their liberal notions, and their attachment to free-masonry. If these, or any other measures of a stronger nature, should ap- pear to you adviseable in this most alarming crisis, the Emperor, my master, hopes that you will zealously urge them on the consideration of the other members of go- vernment ; and he desires me to assure you, that when 80 REBKLLIOX OF these, or stronger measures, shall h^ve hccn adopted iu your country, there will be ready for your acceptance i?10O,000. sterling, as an earnest of tlie great consider- ation his imperial majesty has for your splendid talents, and your attachment to social order. " By dispatches received this day at Vienna, from St. Petcrsburgh, his imperial majesty is assured, that his imperial majesty the Autocrat of all the Russias is ready to send into Eni;land seventeen hundred thousand calmucks, provided that their horses will keep quiet, and that the English parliament will pay for the expcnce of the expedition: which, doubtless, maybe managed by judicious concessions to the country gentlemen, by increasing the severity of the game laws, and adding to the revenues of the church : — all which sugssestions it is doubtless unnecessary to name, to a person of your ex- cellency's approved foresight, and profound diplomatic talents." " (Signed,) M " The parliament were not slow in adopting strong measures for the suppression of the bes- tial rebellion ; they voted a property tax of eighfy per cent, and a h)an of a hundred millions, with THE BEASTS. 81 two millions to be raised by lotteries ; they form- ed a committee to look into a green bag two yards deep, filled brim full with lies ; another commit- tee, to enquire into the best means of removing the few remaining liberties of the people, and to make a report thereon ; another committee of grievances and apprehensions ; another of fears and doubts ; another of strong measures ; and when the minister got up in tlie house, and as- sured the members that the time was come for fi- nally burning and destroying the Magna Charta, all the country gentlemen rose in their seats, and with three loud huzzas the bill for burning Mag- na Charta was read the first time, and the cheer- ing of the minister lasted for an hour and a half! The beasts however did not remain idle, and such an army was approaching on the capital, from the north, of brutes, birds, and insects, as was enough to make the stoutest hearts tremble. They were instigated too by the most burning thirst of revenge, and the most alarming instiga- tions of fear ; for if the Emperor of Russia could 02 REBELLION OF but luiul his calinufks, they drciuled that their old masters would be too strong for them ; and then such a slaughtering would there be amongst thoni as would well nigh tend to their total extinction ! The Duke of was appointed generalis- simo of all the forces sent by parliament to attack the brutes, and the great hero of burn- ed to finish the column of his victories by this last most glorious triumjjh. War however at last declared against him ; and in a pitched battle fought on Hounslow Heath, he, and all his forces were routed, and the duke himself comi)elled to deliver up his sword to a fat Lincolnshire goose, which had thus the honour of disarming the great captain ! All the world knows what followed — how the old triad of king, lords, and commons was abolished — how the church was destroyed — how the country gentlemen were ruined — and all ranks of society shaved smooth down by the razor of liberty. THE BEASTS. 83 CHAP. V. ' I HAD said before that dissention and intrigues had risen in the army of the brutes, which was much fomented by the king's horses ; and now that the fear of the enemy was at an end, and there was more leisure for plots and mauoeuvring-, such schisms and quarrels daily arose amongst the liberators, that the new republic seemed threatened with speedy dissolution. The meet- ings of the beastly republic was held on Salisbu- ry Plain. A bull was the president, because he could roar loudest : and indeed his voice was much wanted in a senate that consisted of twen- ty thousand individuals at least. When a divi- sion took place, such a galloping and dust there was, that a whole army of Turkish cavalry was nothing to it. The parties consisted of the royal- }U REBELLION OF ists, or horses called in derision the " Chalivo- " philisls" or " lovers of bits," wlio iiad always wished for a moderate monarchy : —the rats mIu) were ultra-royaUsts, and liked all old rotten rub- bish : — the tigers, panthers, and hyenas, that were for military despotism: — the liorned cattle, that were moderate constitutionalists: — (he sheep, goats, and deer, which from tlieir gregarious na- ture were republicans : — the ravens and kites, high democrats: — and the hawks and vultures, furious terrorists. The most ambitious and de- signing of all the animals, was the ass, who evi- dently was making his party stronger and strong- er every day. It was astonishing to see with what dexterity he managed to gain ground on all op<>- nents ; and still more astonishing to find that such a dumb patient creature, as he had hitherto been considered, should, now that matters were chang- ed, shew such ambition and power of intrigue. Rut I explained it by the well known fact^ that those who have been long in a state of ser\ility, are most likely to be corrupt in principle, and THE BEASTS. 85 fond of dominion, and when by accident they have got power, to abuse it most odiously. Sure it was, that the ass stuck at no principle of honor, or qualms of conscience in strengthening his party ; and it was all along clear to me, that he would be the Mark Antony of the brutes, unless he was ta- ken off by some more powerful party. The con- vention of animals had never yet agreed upon a constitution, but seemed content to be directed by circumstances : every one seemingly acquies- ing in the opinion that it was expedient to form a pure democracy, and every one trusting to some one else to effect it. The horse faction were the first that openly spoke against the republic ; and they were such an impetuous, honest race, that they did not care what they said. The head of the horse faction was a cream-coloured stallion of the king's stables ; a most noble beast, sprung in a right line from some famed Arabian favourite, and having in his veins the noblest blood of the best racers in the kingdom : his name was Buche- phalus ; and he was completely governed by hi;* 86 REBELLION OF wife, a most beautiful full-hlood Mack niaro, of wlioin lie uas (lotin2,ly fond, and by wbnni be had several colts and fillies. She however was more beautiful than good, for it was strongly suspected that she intrigued with the ass, for reasons best kno\Mi to herself; though it did ap- })ear odd that she should prefer such a mean ani- mal, to so noble a beast as her husband. Scan- dal however was very strong against her, though Buchephalus never heard a word of it, nor could he have believed it; so thoroughly did he despise his ugly rival, and so completely did he hate and detest his servility and cunning. Buchephalus having a high notion of his blood, one day made a speech in favour of nobility and titles ; and strongly urged that an aristocracy should be formed as a matter of justice and policy to all parties, and as holding out rewards to those that ser^ed the state. On this the sheep, the re- j)ublicans, the terrorists, and all the popular par- ty, made a great outcry; and the ass, seeing how- matters stood, mounted the tribune, and in a THE BEASTS. 87 speech full of dry wit ridiculed and exposed the vanity of the horse so completely that Bucheph- alus had not a word to say for himself in reply. He proved from scripture, that asses were of old the royal animal for kings in the east ; and that if the foolish notion of titles was to be admitted, that they had much better give dignity to the ass than the horse, as it was quite a modern notion to think the horse a finer animal. Then he shewed that their late oppressors had always made horses dog-flesh when they died ; and that nine out of ten were marred in their sex, in order to keep up anything hke a decent breed ; and that after all, not one in a hundred was worth looking at, as a fine animal. He nex,t asked the horse, if his cropped tail was to be a sign of his nobility ? (for Buchephalus had not much tail,) or whether he would wear a bridle as a mark of distinction? or shew his broken knees to prove his rank? At all this, the republicans were highly delighted, and made a most tremendous noise in approbation, applauding the donkey for his speech, and crving E 2 ' ." 88 REBELLION OF out lliat lie was " The friend of the people — the " father of his country!" The fox, who was ready to side with any party, and take advantages from all, next attacked him; then a magpie chat- tered a whole hour on the blessings of equality ; then a parrot took up the cudgels ; till at last the horse was in such a rage that he left the conven- tion at full gallop, and all his party after him. Now all that remained, who hated the horses for their family pride, vied with one another in thank- ing the donkey for the service he had rendered them, and it was voted unanimously "That what " the horse had said w as dangerous to the state ; " and that articles of impeachment should be " made out against him, the execution of which " was to be entrusted to the ass, and a committee " of eleven other beasts." The horse went in a furious rage to his wife, and told her all that had happened in the senate ; and how the ass had turned him into ridicule, and j)ut him to shame in full convention ; but he said he would immediately send a challenge to him, THE BEASTS. 89 and would soon shew how mean and despicable a creature he was, when it came to real courage and blood. The mare his wife, whose name was Camilla, had some diHiculty in dissuading him from his purpose; but at last her love and blan- dishments prevailed, and he unwillingly consent- ed to defer the challenge till the morning, when she knew she could find some other means to prevent his bloody intentions. At night-fall she sallied out to meet her lover, the ass, whom she speedily consoled for the fears he entertained of the rage of Buchephalus ; and it was there agreed between them, that her husband should next day go to the senate ; should adhere to what he had said; or even make more insolent proposals; and that he should then be arrested as a traitor to the republic, and given up to the power of the con- vention. All this succeeded to admiration : poor Buchephalus was arrested, and was tried with great solemnity for his crime against the repub- lic : and was finally condemned to lose his sex, and be reduced to that state which so many horses £ 3 UO KF. HELLION OF ill (ho world lia\e (o deplore. His wife soon after this got a writ of divorce against him, and publicly married the ass, by whom, two months aft* r niarriat^c, she had a line nude, which was considered by the philosophers a perfect pheno- menon, when it was remembered how short a time they had been married. The horse faction grew desperate on the muti- lation of Buchephalus, and immediately declared open war against the rei)ublic. The convention named the ass generalissimo of all their forces; who, w ith the help of the tigers and hyenas, com- pletely routed the rebels, and returned in triumph covered w ith glory and laurels. He was received by the convention of brutes in a dress of state. The bull made him a speech of compliments, and presented him with a thistle, which was or- dered to be the national emblem of glory; and it was carried by acclamation, that a pillar was t() iiH t liini v,h\\ still londer acclamations than over, and now begged him to finish the renown of his virtnons life, by accepting a pension from the state of a hundred thousand thistles per annum, and a large common to browzc in, " where" they added, "i/ou may repose for the rest of your " life, the Hercules of Animals." The dictator swore that that was the wish of his heart ; and retired home to tell the disagreea- ble news to his wife Camilla, that in reward of his services the ungrateful creatures now wished him to retire from public life ; which if he consented to, would ruin all his plans for ever. Camilla told him that nothing was now left for him, but to dissolve the convention ; for if he refused to do so, they would certainly put him to death ; and that to save himself he must dissolve the meeting next day, and declare himself absolute monarch. In vain did Camilla endeavour to instil courage into him, sufficient for so daring an undertaking; and finding, after a night of arguing, she could THE BEASTS. 97 make no impression on him, she undertook the task herself; and, with a remnant of the dicta- tor's victorious army, violently entered the assem- bly of beasts, who looked at one another in mute astonishment and despair. Having kicked the president from his seat, she thus spoke her mind : " Beasts ! *' My husband, the Dictator, has done more for you than you can ever repay : and yet, notwith- standing his splendid services, you have thought to bribe him off, and make him leave the state open to your profligate and unprincipled intrigues. But you are mis- taken. 7 f y husband is so hurt at your ingratitude, that he «*.^es not deign to see you again. I, therefore, being his natural representative, do hereby dissolve the confe- deration of animals, and declare all its acts null and void. The confederation has been a means of infinite wickedness and bloodshed : — it is time to dissolve it : — justice and reason call aloud for this act ; for never were so many scoundrels and villains met together for the pretence of legislation. Go to your homes, wicked wretches ! and ponder on the infinite mercy of the Dic- tator, who kindly allows you to live !" 08 REBELLION OF Great was the hubbub, and sore the (li>iii;iy iit this unheard uf \ioIeuce; some called aluud for justice; others called Camilla an adulteresis ; and some proposed to resist force by force. Ca- milla however speedily put an end to this uproar, and her beasts of war, without much ditficulty, dispersed the senators, who scampered home in dismay, and never again met to deliberate on affairs of state. The infinite mercy, however, of the dictator resent him with a pot of honey, which he might eat, when the king had tasted it. Claim allowed. The crow, as lord of the royalties of dung, claimed to pick up the royal ordure, and carry it away with him as his fee. The council argued that the royal ordinance excluded all birds from the coronation ; but the lords decided that the ordinance did not set aside ancient custom, un- less particularly specified. Claim alloiced. The cat claimed to scratch the tail of the ass, after it had been held up by the elephant of Siam, assisted by sixteen camels. This claim was al- lowed, pro hac rice, to the cat ; w ith a proviso, however, salvo jure, to counter-claimants, as the hen and the ape argued that they had a right to THE BEASTS. 107 scratch it, but for the present could not brin? proof thereof. The dromedary claimed to perform the office of usher of the mouth, and to assist his majesty in opening his mouth when he brayed at the ceremony ; and also to carry away with him a wisp of hay as his fee, which he might wear as a tassel to his tail ever after. Claim allowed. Five tigers claimed the right of being trod on by the ass as he walked up to the altar ; but the beavers also advanced their claim, to form a car- pet on the occasion. After mature deliberation, and seven days past in consulting precedents, the lords decided the beavers had not made good their claim. The peacock claimed to strut before the ass, to fan him with his tail, and set up a great scream, as sooti as ever the crown was placed on the royal ears. He argued a divine right; and said he had done so to Juno, thousands of years ago. The lords refused the claim ; but the priests took up the matter, and sent a mandamus from the 108 REBELLION OF owl to admit the tluini, which was finally deci- sive. The spaniel claimed to lick the royal fetlocks, and to get a kick for his fee, and shew his broken crown ever after — honoris gratiii. The flea claimed to give his majesty three bites, to make three skips, and carry oft' a drop of blood royal, as his fee. Many other claimants were heard, but these were the most material. The coronation was conducted with a splen- dour and magnificence perfectly imposing, his majesty's council having sat for twenty days pre- vious, to arrange the ceremony. It had been a matter of difticulty to know what title would be the most appropriate, and many hours were spent in hearing opinions on this important subject, all Mie learning and research of the doctors being called into request to settle the point. The various titles of majesty, imperial majesty, eminence, ahitude, serenity, grace, highness, and holiness, were thought too common place and THE BEASTS. 109 hackneyed, and they were thought to refer only to particular qualities, and not to have that sweeping, full, comprehensive meaning that would take in all the attributes of such royal majesty. In short, no one word could be hit on, and the proclamation that was read at the ceremony, contained the several titles and honors that be- longed to the ass, as king. There was, " the " most sacred amplitude of his beatific ears :" — " the sweet and peculiar clemency of his asinine " right-royal bosom :" — " most tranquil celsi- " tude :" — " the princely stateUness of his long " tail :" — " best, and greatest : " — " his lon- " gitude and his latitude, as well as his high- " ness :"— ** fountain of honor, glory, wisdom, " virtue, truth, and beauty:" — "mirror of sub- " limity:" — " irradiation of excellence," &c. &c. &c. &c. After the entrance of the King into the hall of ceremony, and the applause and acclamations of all the animals present, the high priest. Bubo, with a superb flaminical vesture, and a great 110 REBELLION OF initrc on his head that bore ten crowns and ten suns, went up to the high altar, and tlicre sacri- hced three parsons to the Mammoth, tiie deity of the animals. The king was crowned with thistles, and fed oft' golden dishes, on corn and crumbs of bread ; and his royal ears were cover- ed with gold leaf, whilst a solemn requiem was chaunted in honor of the king's progenitors, the donkeys before the flood. A new order was in- vented, the " Knights of Balaams Ass," meant only for royal personages, and twenty-four sub- jects ; and I had the honor to receive the insig- nia, from the kindness of the queen, who herself invested me with them, whilst I was on my knees. The young mule prince, Stultissimo Obstinate, received the decorations also. The asinine standard was solemnly anointed by his arch- grace. Bubo ; and its device wan an ass conquer- ing a man and a lion, who were laid prostrate at his feet. The saint of the royal house had much puzzled the learned ; for it was absolute- ly necessary to have one, as there never was a THE BEASTS. Ill royal house without a saint: at last, the high- priest thought of King Midas, as a royal saint, and the court adopted the notion. When it was observed to his arch-grace, that the asinine qualities had been given to Midas, as a mark of disgrace, and that he was a heterodox king and did not believe in Mammoth; he learnedly an- swered, that it did not signify the least, for St. George was a heterodox saint also, and had been a unitarian purveyor of bacon, and drummed out of the array for his frauds and roguery ; and yet the effigy of this bad man choking a newt, used to be considered the greatest honor in the world by men when they were uppermost. . St. Midas was consequently canonized, and adopted saint of the house of donkey, and the owl was declared chancellor of the order. The annals of court magnificence I shall but slightly notice. Suffice it to say, there was abun- dance of royal splendour exhibited after the coro- nation in galas, balls, fetes-champetres, masks, re- vels, and carnivals: and as in other royal establish- F 2 112 REBELLION OF mcnts, all sorts of gcw-gaws and playthings, to please the people, and keep them in good hu- mour. There was a large amphitheatre formed, hum round with crimson velvet, in which was exhibited a sham fight between men and ani- mals, of which the superior part was of course allotted to the brutes, and the men, according to order, utterly routed, and covered with dis- grace ; and the victors crowned with laurels, and greeted with the acclamations, and applause of the spectators. The court of England as it used to exist under was much admired for the elegance of its etiquette, and tte neatness of its arrangements ; but in my humble opinion it was not to be com- pared with the manners, politeness, and princely decorum observed in the court of the king my master, the Ass. His asinine majesty used to rise at six all the year round, \\hen I had the honor of stroking his ears, and brushing them gently with a perfumed brush. An elephant of the closet, accompanied by a noble animal, such THE BEASTS. 113 as a tiger, or panther, then entered, and conduct- ed his majesty to the royal scratching pole, which was made of cedar of Lebanus, and was used by Mammoth himself, (as the priests asserted) be- fore the flood; this was placed in the private temple of the palace, and after certain religious ceremonies, his majesty rubbed himself against the pole with great reverence, after which he was solemnly blessed by the elephant of the closet. His majesty then returned to the great saloon where he staled into a silver chamber-pot, the contents of which were carried off with every token of esteem and regard to the lord-ehief-beast in waiting, who received it on his knees, and deli- vered it covered over with a silk veil to his excel- lency the keeper of the royal dung-hill. After this morning duty, which his majesty rarely omit- ted, the royal breakfast, or as it was called, " the " august feed," was brought in to the sound of clarions and martial instruments, by the slaves of the palace. These were men, generally pre- lates of the old system ; or sometimes, on state F 3 114 RF.nELI.ION OF (lays, when the iioWlcr domestics were put in ri-qiiisidon, bv monkeys and ourang-outangs. His lordship the groom ol" tiic nioiilh was at the head of tlie feeding procession ; he carried on his shoulders a good allowance of hay on a golden pitch-fork, anti was followed by a knight grand cross of Balaam's Ass, wlio bore a thistle on a silver charger, followed by the elephant-chaplain, carrying a bucket of ditch-water for his majesty. At the royal meals, it was always the etiquette for every animal to lie down, and pretend to go to sleep, excepting at the entrance of any new dish, when all got up and made several bows to the food as it was put on the table. Indeed, all along the corridors of the palace, as the food was brought in from the kitchen to the royal par- lour, every animal bowed three times as the hay or thistles passed him, and said in a sup- pressed voice, " a thousand happinesses with the " king's dinner ! ! ! " and if any one had omitted doing so, it would have been noticed as a mark of traitorous disposition, and the animal would THE BEASTS. 116 have been instantly turned out of the palace. The king and the royal family, or a brute of the blood royal, were the only animals allowed to stand at meals, excepting the priests, who had the privilege of holding up the king's tail as he was eating, and were allowed to stand behind the royal family. If the king spoke to any animal present, he was immediately to rise from his recumbent position, and having answered the question, as suddenly fall down again, and look as if he was fest asleep. The art of falling down gracefully was consequently much studied, and it was surprising what a perfection the noble beasts arrived at, by constant practice of this graceful exercise. The first day in every month there was a grand lick- tail, or levy, held in the palace, at whitfi all the dignified elephants and noblemen attend- ed. There were several gradations of licking pointed out to the animals ; the nearer the root of the tail you licked, the higher were you in dignity ; the high-priest and the ro\al family had F 4 IIG REBELLION OF a lick at (lie very top ; a commoner could not approach wiiliin several inches. The tail was always held uj) on (he lick-tail-days, by an elephant dressed in lull pontiticals. As it used to be considered honorable to wear the prince's button, under the system of men, so was it considered very distinguished to be allow- ed to carry the king's ears, which never could be done without the express permission of his majesty. Those, however, who had received peniiission, used to wear a pair of ass's ears on their head, or carry them pinned to their tails ; and to so few was this mark of condescension grant- ed, that hardly anything gave an animal a higher mark of distinction than the wearing a pair of ass's ears. On the notion that all wit, talent, and accom- jilishments were only to be found in perfection in the king, it was the invariable rule with the courtiers to keep silent till his asinine majesty had opened the conversation ; hence there reign- ed a prodigious gravity and royal dullness in the THE BEASTS. 117 court ; insomuch so, that if his majesty was iti a musing mood, which frequently took place, a whole evening would pass away without a word having been said, or a sound being heard, ex- cepting an occasional bray from the king, when he was paying a compliment to the queen. The queen, however, was much more frisky ; and she used to flirt and rattle away with the lords in waiting, and insist upon more noise and wit than was agreeable to the meditating disposi- tion of her spouse. A magpie, who, contrary to the wishes of the ass, had got a place about court by the queen's interest, (who loved a noisy animal) used to torment his majesty by his unseasonable chattering, and his flippant jokes, which he introduced without the slightest atten- tion to court etiquette, or waiting till the king had opened the conversation, according to rule. At last his majesty could stand his flippancy no longer; so he took an opportunity of sending him on an embassy to the canion-crovvs, to set- tle some trifling point in dispute between them ; F 5 nn REBELLION OF and tlic Kiii^, Itrfinf lie set < iit, created liiin kiiii:l)t of the thistle, under the title of Sir Mag Ra(ti«', and gave him a letter in cypher to the chief of the carrion-crows, in which he begged liini to ]iut the l)earcr to death, as soon as ever the point in dispute was settled: — a desire wliich was religiously complied with. No animal was allowed to turn his tail to the Ass, excepting the high priest, Bubo ; and if any dropped their dung in the palace, they were put under immediate arrest. Hence every animal went with a white satin bag under his tail. The king's jokes were carefully recorded in a splendidly illuminated volume, by the priest-ele- phant in waiting, who received a salary for his trouble, but who, as it was said, enjoyed a sinecure. On the king's birth-day, which was called St. Balaam's Ass's day, cveiy animal that wanted anything, used to come, and make a jiresent of an inch of his tail to the king, which was THE BEASTS. 119 received by a brute in waiting on a golden dish ; and if his majesty ordered it to be roasted, it was a delicate hint that the maker of the pre- sent was on the high road to favor. From scenesHke these, however, the minds of reflecting beasts were turned to the poUcy of the court, which was shortly exhibited in decrees and laws from the council-chamber. The first grand stroke of policy, was in establishing a code of faith for animals on a firm basis, and the great idol for national worship was declared to be the Mammoth. Under Mammoth, in their mythology, were four other great deities — Behe- moth, Leviathan, Craken, and the Sea Serpent. The owl being high-priest, his subordinate otH- ciating flamens were the elephants, who, from their supposed resemblance to Mammoth, were looked on with great reverence as a priestly tribe of beasts. Of these priests, who constituted a sacred college, there were established nine hun- dred and fifty-eight thousand, and the tythes of all grass lands were allotted to them throughout F 6 120 REBELLION OF llio world ; and it was generally ordered, that as populatii)!! ciicreased, there should be always se- ven priestly where there were ten lay animals ; and that, exclusive of tythes, they should be kept at the charge of their flock, without any let or tletriiuent to themselves. If any one said a rude thing- to the i)riests, or disobeyed tlioni, they were to be buried alive in quick lime ; and the owl was declared first in rank in the world, under the royal asinine family, and was to have the pay of ten thousand priests. The first-born of qua- drupeds were to have half their tails cut oft", at which ceremony a great fee was to be paid to the high priest : but if they had no tails, they were to lose an ear, in which case they were to pay double. It was a matter of dispute what was the original shape of the ^Mammoth, on which point there were sundry heterodox notions and opinions — but to make one uniform doctrine received, it was declared high treason for any one to think otherwise on this subject than as the elephants taught and believed ; they having, as it was said, THE BEASTS. 121 in their possession^ a skeleton of a Mammoth, brought from Russia ; — and if any animal should hold or teach, by word of mouth, writing, or drawing, that the Mammoth was of any other shape than that described by the elephants, they were to be trampled to death under the feet of the priests, and thrown into the sea. The elephants were remarkably jealous of any one venturing to say a syllable regarding their mythology, or their system of morals, that they had not themselves first examined and approved ; and this their jealousy was strongly exhibited in the case of " the Book of Morals," which though it contained the most beautiful and perfect code existing, and though every beast acknowledged it to be requisite for their instruction, yet still the elephants would not permit any one to take so much as a peep at it, unless they had first bound themselves by a solemn oath, and found sureties to a great amount, that they would not tell any creature a word of what they had seen. Those who had thus been permitted to view it, declared Ml REnni.i.ioN OF that even with all these securities, they were not allowed to iiispecl it \\ith any sort «f fairness; as it was a point of faith with the cKphants to (laiil) over the leaves of the book with their own ordure, and (iiat thus the text was so conceaknl that no brute living could decypher the origiual. The elephants, however, to quiet the public curi- osity with regard to " t/te Book of Morals," used to publish divided passages, and garbled para- graphs, w ell smeared over w ith their filth ; and then threatened and tormented any animals that presumed to hesitate as to the atithenticity of the publication, and swore that they would give them over to Mammoth, if they did not immediately withdraw their doubts. In the extremity of their priestly pride, they at last invented a theon, which became quite fashionable, that " thr Bool: " of Morals,^' by itself, (unless it was well plas- tered with elephant-ordure) was the most dan- gerous and horrilde book in the universe ; but that when it was danbcil with sacerdotal filth, it all of a sudden became the most wonderful and virtu- THE BEASTS. 123 ous work, the most miraculously excellent and efficacious, that could be found anywhere ! — From this besotted theory, the deduction was evident that elephant-dung was better than the book itself, which indeed some of the high court elephants boldly asserted. Others, however, thought that it was only equalli/ good, and that neither book nor dung were worth anything un- less they were mixed together. This was consi- dered a heresy, and such an opinion was never broached in the hearing of an elephant, but only in private, and when the animals were amongst their friends. The sect of philanthopists, hereafter to be mentioned, started the dangerous theory, that the book was not worth a farthing, if an elephant had come within a mile of it : and that elephant- dung was the most noxious and abominable fillh that the philosophers were able to discover ; and that whoever allowed a fraction of it to come near him, was an enemy to Mammoth, and to virtue. Of this opinion, I must profess myself r2l REBELLION OF an advocate ; and from actual ixperinunts I can .vtate that the substance m question is the most corrosive, stinkiiig, and jiestiferous mixture that I ever met with ; and that the effluvia is so dan- iierous and unwholesome, that I have known it to raise a low fever in more cases than one, and to have caused the death of several weak- stomached beasts. The advantage of the elephant-dung doctrine was very great and manifest, to those that had invented it; fur hy allowing these premises, it came as a corollary, that all passages from the hook thus smeared by the priests, contained the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Hence the elephants snorted out divers opinions advantageous to themselves, which they compel- led the poor brutes to believe; and foremost amongst these was the doctrine of tythes, which they swore was more insisted on in the book Jhan any virtue or any morals whatever. I, who have had a sly peep at the book, can declare that it is never mentioned but once; and in that THE BEASTS. X25 one passage it is plainly and clearly forbid, as a scandalous, cruel, and iniquitous system. This fact, of course, I did not venture to disclose, as the elephants would have had me stewed in vitriol for my pains : indeed, I do not think I ever hint- ed at it to any one but to the king, who told me he knew the truth as well as any one; but that the elephants must be allowed to have their way, as they were too dangerous a body to offend ; and in this I perfectly agreed with him. The attention of the king's subjects was much drawn to the astonishing breed of half-elephants, that began to appear in the realm, after the establishment of the priesthood ; and most curi- ous it was, to observe the queer mongrel-breed that began to swarm evei^ywhere. Nothing was more common than to see elephant-horses, ele- phant-dromedaries, elephant-camels, elephant- leopards, and elephant-cows, stalking abroad everywhere, and apparently proud of their origin. Now, as the elephants were remarkable for their supposed chastity, and for their marked fidelity 126 REHF.LLION OF (o (heir wivos, it became a matter of ciinous speciilalioii, how in llic name of fortune such creatures came into the world; aud to prevent any further iiuinirv, the elephants published a paragraph from " the book of morals" (or at least they said it was extracted from il) well covered as usual with dung, asserting that the mongrel- breed of (loj>hants was very sacred, and iheir origin miraculous. I took the pains to search for the passage, and do boldly declare that no such passage is to be found from one end of the book to the other. Scandal, which will find its way even in spite of elephants, discovered another solution for the prodigy ; and it was said in addition, that some elephants not only disregarded species, but gen- der; and in this latter particular some of the most noble and exalted of the elephants were very famous ! The next object of royal attention was the nobility; and here his majesty proceeded with such vigor and audacity as shewed him well fit- THE BEASTS. 127 led to govern with vigor, firmness, and wisdom. A royal ordinance was published declaring all donkeys of the blood royal; the horses were next in dignity, they were styled " Wonderful " Princes;' — " Illustrious Magnates;' — " Pure " Potentates /"—and if they married an ass they became " Royal Germs;' provided the union was with the consent of the monarch Ass in coun- cil ; otherwise such union was high-treason. Mules foaled in lawful wedlock were considered half-royal, and if foaled of the reigning family were heirs to the crown. Next to the ass antl the horse, was the high-priest owl ; — then came the zebra, the camel, and the dromedary — these were the dukes of creation, and were immensely above the other nobles, from their likeness to the horse. The whole body of nobles consisted of the rapacious ferce — tigers, panthers, leopards, wolves, &c. The lowest order of nobility were the cats ; after whom came deer, sheep, dogs, &c. These were all base commons, amongst which were the horned cattle ; and these being 120 REBELLION OF lu'Ul (he drudges and useful part of the auimal kingdom, were much laughed at, and ridiculed, and were callcil the " injhior classes," in the decrees of the court. In a short time, the name of sheep or cow was considered an insult to an animal of pretension ; and if you wished to say " that animal is vulgar" vou would sav. " he " walks liktan ox," or " he looks like a sheep;' and nothing was considered such a gross insult, as to be called a useful animal ! I have known high-bred horses at court challenge one another to a kicking-match, on one of them having insi- nuated to the other that he was useful; and nothing was taken as such a high comphment, as to say, " what a dear, rattle-brained, trolloping, " useless beast, that is ! " All insects, reptiles, lishcs, and the greater part of the birds, were ranked as slaves, and only one degree higher than man, who was held to be the most vile and infamous of all creation ; and everything resembling him was despised, and ill-treated, as a blot in the plan of nature. — THE BEASTS. 129 Hence the monkey-tribe got into disgrace for their resemblance to man ; but in order to wipe away this stigma on their character, they got a learned ape to write a book, on the comparative anatomy of a man and a monkey, in which the difference was much exaggerated ; and drawings were made of the two animals, so unlike one another, that, if the drawings had been correct, it would indeed have been fair to conclude that a frog and an ox were not more dissimilar than an ape and a man . This book was much read by the monkeys, and soon ran through several editions ; but the king, who hated all the tribe of them, as mischievous meddling animals, or- dered Lord Monboddo's works to be reprinted, in which it was asserted that a man is a tail-less monkey, and that he would have a tail, if he did not wear it off, by sitting down so much. This vexed them very much ; but still more so, when the king tried the experiment on a man, whom he kept standing for two or three months, and whose tail actually sprouted, to the amuse- 130 REBF. I.I.I ON OF nient of tlio roiirl, and llii- cuiifusion of the a])es. Nay, lie uent still farther; for when an ourang- outang had been condemned to death for higii tlH-'ason, the king pardoned him on condition that he would marry a woman ; and though the crea- ture could hardly be persuaded to save his life by such a foul disgrace, the fear of death at last prevailed, and he married in prihon an earl's daughter, that was purposely selected from the king's captives, with whom he afterwards lived very happily, and had several children. Monarchy is seldom w ithout its cares : anci the king speedily felt the weight of the sceptre, Miough he was so much feared by his enemies, and worshipped by his courtiers; for though he ttarefully repressed the least appearance of liber- ty ; though it was a hanging matter to mention the word Constitution ; and though all liberal animals were inmiediately put to death, when- ever they were discovered, yet still he was an- noved by philosophers and free-thinkers, the prepctual enemies of social order, the unwearied THE BEASTS. 131 tormentors of kings and priests. His majesty, however, was a politic Ass ; and he did not set about a blind persecution without forethought or discrimination, but carefully watched his oppor- tunities to crush his enemies by fraud more thasi cruelty. It was a great maxim \\ith him, that you should not go against the stream, but take advantage of the opinions of the age in which you live ; and by certain harmless concessions, and innocent pretences of liberality, deceive the people that you mean to oppress. Hence his majesty made great use of the press, and though he kept it under a rigorous censorship, yet he spent immense sums in feeding his subjects witfi lt)yal, and truly asinine productions. 'a works he had reprinted in every shape and size, and a society was formed by the priests, " for the " distribution of 's works, and other loyal " and orthodox publications." The king himself was patron of this society, and kept it up with enormous funds from the public treasury. The high-priest owl was the president ; and the very 132 REBELLION OF first year they sold at a cheap rate, or gave away, ninett'cn inilUons, four hundred thousand, seven Juindfcd and twenty-nhie copies of a new " yision " of Jndgmint, ' and a new " Carmen Trium- " phale." It was a point of fashion and faith to subscribe to this society ; and the elephant- priests never failed to make such a snorting and bellow ing at any poor animal that kept back his mite, that hardly a subject of his majesty's realms was not to be found in the list of subscri- bers. The court recommended also Dean Swift's " Voyage to the Houhyniins," as a very ortho- dox book, in which the superiority of the ani- mals to man was incontestibly proved ; and I have heard his majesty declare at a levy, " that " no gentle animal should be without that work." In answer to these books, so much recommen- ded by the couit-party, a luckless Chinese boar took it into his unfortunate head to write a quarto volume, entitled " The Centaur not Fabulous ;" in which he endeavoured to prove by a vast deal of erudition, that the story of the Centaurs was THE BEASTS. 133 currently believed by all antiquity, and therefore true; and that it contained many a valuable mo- ral lesson, if rightly understood. He touched upon Minotaur Pasiphae, Europa, and other names famous in bestial amours ; and proved to the satisfaction of all candid and unprejudiced readers, that the union with most animals had some time or other been successful. The author, Avhose name was Gruntius, evi- dently intended to throw ridicule on the reigning- family ; and though no name was mentioned, and the whole work was conducted with great sobrie- ty, and the profoundest reasoning, and nothing like a light expression used in any one part of it, yet the deduction was so evident, and it was so clear, that he meant to insult the royal breed of asses, and horses, by making it public that of old they had been crossed by man, that it was im- possible for the dullest understanding not to see through his meaning. To crown all, as the frontispiece to his work, he placed the print of a Centaur, the lower parts of which exactly resem- G 134 REDELLION OF l)lcd the make of Buclicphalus, the queen's fir$t husbaiul, who was still in every one's recollection, and the upper precisely like , who used under the old system to be so famous for his bad jokes, his school-boy declamations, and his flimsy philippics against those liberal princi- ples that had finally brought about the successful rebellion of brutes. The rage of the coxu't was at the highest pitch on the publication of " The Centaur not Fabu- " Ions." The queen trampled on the book ; the king threw it into the fire ; and all the lords and ladies in wailing, and the high-priest, and the low priests, swore by Mammoth it was the most infernal, brimstone, rascally, toadish, seditious, vipery, rebellious, black, malignant, regicidal book, ever printed, since Tom Paine's " Rights " of Man." The learned Gruntius was immedi- ately arrested ; his stye was scaled up with the great seal ; his sow and his pigs were sent to different prisons ; and he underwent several cross examinations at midnight before the pri^y THE BEASTS. 135 Gounoil, who told him that, if it were possible, they would get his throat cut for his work. The trial of Gruntius excited the greatest in- terest amongst every bird, beast, fish, reptile, and insect ; and even man himself, in his slavish condition, was roused to view with attention the result of this extraordinary trial. The court thought it would be good policy to make Grun- tius' worst enemies his judges ; so a special commission was issued, appointing another boar, of the Hampshire breed, president of the court, or lord-chief-justice for the occasion. The pig so singled was called Guttle. My lord-chief-jus- tice Guttle had paid his addresses to Gruntius' sow, and had been rejected with disdain; and, after the refusal, had been heard to say repeat- edly, that some day or other he would be reveng- ed on his brother Gruntius. The queen thought wisely, that Guttle would make the best judge on this occasion. His lordship, in his charge to the jury, ex- plained the meaning of libel. He said, " it was G 2 V3G REBELLION OF " uiivthiiig expressed in printing, or writinc;, dis- "agreeable to anNbody:" and that if " t/ir " Centaur not fabulous" was proved to be dis- agreeable, directly or indirectly, to anybody, living or dead, they must find the prisoner guilty. He added, that truth only aggravated tlie oftence ; for the law presumed that no one would tell the tnith : there were other means open to all, but truth must not be told. The indictment was laid in several counts, for falsely and maUciously, by force of arms, writing and publishing a certain ftilse, infernal, and scan- dalous libel against a certain bull, now dead, saying that such bull had degraded himself by connexion with a woman, commonly called Eu- ropa. — for publishing the same concerning a horse, declaring that he had had intercourse with a wo- man called Phillyra, from which sprung an ani- mal, called a centaur. — for publishing that a swan had intercourse w ith a woman called Leda. THE BEASTS. 137 — for stirring up the king's subjects to hatred aiid sedition against the ass, by shewing that his royal ancestors, and tlie royal ancestors of her majesty, the queen, had defiled themselves against nature with the slavish race of man. — and for divers other great sins and enormi- ties that the ingenuity of the crown lawyers dis- covered. The counsel employed by poorGruntius argued for four hours and a half that the work in ques- tion had not been published, though it was noto- rious that it had gone through twelve editions ; but my lord-chief-justice Guttle at last bullied and grunted them down, and overwhelmed thcni with such precedents and opinions, that tliey were obliged to give up that point. They then tried to prove that ridicule was not malicious; but the judge observed, that "it was " no new doctrine, that if a publication be cal- ** culated to alienate the aft'ections of the people " by bringing the government into disesteem, " whether the expedient be by ridicule or oblo- G 3 138 REBF.LLION OF " qiiy, the person so conducting himself is ex- " jxiscd to tlic inflictions of the law." In shoi1, the oft'ence was lihcl, and the court vtas against the prisoner. How conld it therefore be other- wise, than that the jury should lind the pri- soner Gruntius guilty of all the counts? The sentence of the court was, that Gruntius should within three days be turned into a hog; that both his ears and his tail should be cut off, and thrown into a pig-tub ; that his nose should be bored, and a ring put into it; that he should be whipped for twenty days running, from his prison doors round the palace, and back agaiji to his prison ; that he should be compelled to eat his own book, and nothing else, till all the editions were finished ; and that he should i)ay a fine of ten thousand bushels of oatmeal to the king, and be further imprisoned till the fine was paid ; and be incapable of holding any ottice in the state for ever. Gruntius died on the seventh whipping at the palace gates; and my lord-chief-justice Guttle THE BEASTS. 139 was made Knight of Balaam's Ass, and allowed to wear the king's ears. The philosophers, however, were not idle ; and there was an immense body of animals that did not believe in Mammoth, or that said he was no better than an elephant, and that strongly questioned whether the priests had his skeleton, as they pretended. The priests, however, got into such a rage, and tore and tossed about so much, if any animal begged to have a peep at this famous skeleton, that it was deemed prudent to suppress curiosity. And, indeed, the king at last published a royal decree, making it felony WITHOUT BENEFIT OF OWL, to ask, or desire, to see the skeleton: and if any one wrote, or spoke, concerning it, he was to be outlawed, ivhatever might be his sentiments ! Then there arose an odious sect of Philan- thropists, that held it was wicked, cruel, and impolitic, to hold man in slavery ; and that a man was as good as an ass, by nature, and that he ought to be emancipated. All parties joined G 4 140 REBELLION OF in iiating and ridiculing this sect, ^^hicIl consisted entirely of sheep, hares, ami other gentle ani- mals ; and there was no name of abuse sufticiently coarse and unkind for them. I have heard them called, " canting regicides," " hypocritical incen- " diaries," " deceitful revolutionists," " sly par- " ricide.<," " base murderers," " rogues," and " infernal hypocrites." The court succeeded in bullying this sect into the back ground, and it was the fashion to call a philanthropist, a " canting regicide;' indeed he was hardly known by any other name ; and to have any connexion with a " canting regicide," was a sure means of being thrust out of society, and of being loaded with disgrace, contempt, and ridicule, till the poor animal escaped from his persecution by the friendly call of death alone ! The elephants employed several sly beasts to write in their favor; and they singled out a nasty baboon, famous for his filth and obscenity, to compose a metaphysical folio, in which it was proyed, a priori, that it was necessary to give THE BEASTS. 141 the tenth of grass lands to the elephants, (thou^i it was safer to give a fifth) ; that the ivory of the elephant's tusk was four times more valuable than pure gold, which was shewn by chemical experiments to conviction ; that the elephants were the chastest of animals, and always retired 'cO solitary forests ; that there was nothing so beautiful in all the world, as the friendship of the ass and the elephant ; that the emancipation of ■mankind was the same as king-killing ; and that all philanthropists carried poison about them, to murder the royal family at the first opportunity ; and that every crime perpetrated in the kingdom was planned and executed by the philanthropic animals alone, who were the real and true incen- diaries, robbers, cut-throats, adulterers, and par- ricides of the realm! This book* was stronscW recommended by the elephants, and all young beasts were ordered to get a page of it by heart every day ; the baboon himself was admitted • The title of this work was" the Book of the Mammoth," G 5 142 RUBELLION OF into the priestly ranks, and by a royjvl ordinance appointoil (ini- of the high tlamcns ul" the ijrcat temple, and the private expoinuh'r to the donkey king himself ; clerk of the closet, and gilder of the royal ears, with free permission to lick the regal tail whenever he thonght proper. The king was obliged to grant all this to the learned author, in order to encourage the priests, though I believe he had a thorough contempt for the baboon at his heart, and would have been glad of any pretence to drive him from court, in which particular he afterwards had an oppor- tunity of gratifying himself. The priests, how- ever, thought they could never sufficiently shew their gratitude to their baboon ; and, besides referring to him on all occasions, they gave him the titles of" the Seraphic Doctor,'^ — " thejudi- " cious priest," — " the bee of the temple," — " nightingale oj truth," d.c. &c. &c. Not long after this great work, the Seraphic Doctor published " a sweet and comfortable catr- " chism,far all young suciing animals, shewing THE BEASTS. 143 " their duty to the elephant and the ass," in which a legitimate prostration of the mind and the understanding was beautifully inculcated in question and answer. This was a very popular work, and was supposed to be a dialogue be- tween a sow and a young pig, of which I sub- join a short specimen : — " Sow. — My dear little Piggy-wiggy, what is your great duty in society ? " Pig. — To love, and admire, and implicitly obey, my moit high terraqueous master the Ass, whose decrees and commands are as wise as they are beautiful. " Sow. — What are your particular duties to the Ass? " Pig. — ^To praise him everywhere, as the finest beast I know^ to obey all his laws without grumbling ; to pay him tribute, taxes, tolls, and imposts, with cheerfulness ; and, occasionally, to make him such presents as 1 can aftbrd out of my pig-tub ; always remembering that he is fairly entitled to the richest and nicest morsels oat of my wash. " Sow. — Thank you, my dear little Piggy-wiggy. I consider you a very promising young swine ; and if you go to your sty, you will find I have prepared some nice oatmeal for your supper." G 6 144 REBELLION OF CHAP. VII. About two years after the monarchy had bctn established, the court and the kingdom were vio- lently agitated with the most strange and nnseoni- ly rumours, respecting the honor and virtue of tht queen, which led to consequences the most fatal to several persons concerned ; and was well nigh the cause of the total destruction of the great fa- bric, which the wisdom of the king my master had so beautifully established. It having been announced that Camilla was in a fair way to add to the house of princes a bro- ther, or a sister, for his royal highness Stultissi- mo Obstinate, the greatest joy was manifested on the occasion, and several fetes and masques celebrated, in which the king himself took a con- spicuous part, and shewed all that grace ami THE BEASTS. 145 aiuiableness for which he was so famous. The size of the queen, as the time drew near, was prodigious ; and the king was so evidently pleas- ed with the circumstance, that we who were about his person, used to amuse ourselves with bantering him on the appearance of her majes- fy, which, though he pretended to dislike, gave him the greatest possible pleasure. One day, after I had been throwing out my jokes on the occasion, he desired me to follow him to his private apartment; and there, with the most evident marks of good humour, he assured me that he considered me his best friend, and that I should have the honor of standing sponsor for the royal progeny, whenever it should be foaled, besides being created baron of the realm, and Knight of Balaam's Ass. It is needless to say with what rapture I licked tails, on hearing these condescending promises ; and w ith what tears of gratitude I vowed obedience and fidelity to my royal master ! That very night, the court was roused by several animals running about announc- 116 REBELLION OF iiig that Camilla was in labour, aiul thai she was ill imiiient danger. I was one of the first |)ersons to arrive in the royal stable, where I tounil the king kicking and rearing, in impatience and mental anxiety. I succeeded in calming his majesty ; and pointed out to him the necessity of sending for the great officers of state, w ithont delay, to be j)resent on an occasion of such high imi)ort to the state. His majesty saw the propriety of my advice; and, in obedience to his orders, we shortly had in the stable his excel- lency the Gander, his arch-grace the Owl, (wo illustrious magnates Dray-Horscs, a most noble Dromedary, his excellency the Toni-Cat, intend- ant of the police, and rive baronial Wolves, be- sides the Seraphic Doctor, and some Ele])hants. There was a great want of light on the occasion, so that it was difficult to see what took place in the straw ; and hardly any one but myself perceived that the royal birth consisted of twins, one much resembling a young elephant, and the other a ba- boon ! It was lucky that my presence of mind did THE BEASTS. 147 not leave nie on the occasion, for I instantly cried out " two beautiful mules," which was echoed by all the party present, without any one endea- vouring to see them ; and whilst they were all running about congi'atulating one another, the king, who perceived what had happened, stood before the queen's bed, and throwing some straw over her, dismissed the assemblage of nobles with many well-acted congratulations, and begging the honor of their company to a fete the next day. As soon as they were gone, the king or- dered me to follow him, and gave strict charges to the guards to let no one go in or out of the queen's stable, upon any pretence whatsoever. When we arrived at his private apartment, he immediately, without further circumlocution, asked my advice in this dreadful dilemma ; but I was dumb with amazement, and knew not what to say. His majesty perceiving my confusion, desired me to speak without hesitation, and to give the best advice, without minding his private feelings, or considering any ties that he might 148 REBELLION OF be supposed to have l>v marriage, or othcrwisr. Thus encouraged, 1 frankly advised liim to put the queen, and the new birth, to dcatli inime- diatelv ; and to publish b\ proclamation, tliat the (pieen had died in foaling two dead j)rinoes. If his majesty had followed my advice all would have been well, and the king my master niijrht still have been the monarch of animals, and tin- greatest of princes ; but his tenderness for Ca- milla prevailed, and though tin- twins were thrown into the sea and drowned immediately, their more guilty mother was allowed to recover from her confinement, and to take those step;* which her revenge and her shame could not fail to incite her to. When the murder of the twins was executed, Ills majesty's mind was nevertheless ill at ease, lest some of the counsellors of state should have known the secret of the queen's inl'amy ; and what to do, to prevent the matter becoming public, he could not devise. At last, he resolv- ed that the counsellors and nobles should come THE BEASTS. 149 according to invitation to the fete, and he hoped by his ingenuity to discover if they were masters of the dangerous secret; being fully determined to put them to death, if they said anything that should give him reasons to suspect that all was not right. At the fete, his majesty made them a measured and dignified speech on the subject of the queen's accouchement, and lamented that the princes had died so soon on coming into the world ; but he trusted that in due time her majesty would supply the loss that the royal house had sustain- ed, and that many royal germs would gladden his heart, before he went to the grave. Having said this, he fixed a penetrating glance on the high-priest Owl, who, however, put on such an imperturbable and tranquil stare, in his large ecclesiastical eyes, that it was impossible to dis- cover whether anything particular was passing in his mind. His arch-grace answered, that his majesty must console himself for the loss he had sustained on the present occasion, by the virtues 150 REBELLION OF ami graces of the »iuccn ; and tliat he dotibted not that by tlie sacrifices and hecatombs to be ordered by the elephants on this occasion, her majesty would recover from her present indispo- sition, and by her chaste and prohfic bed, fulfil the most sanguine wishes of her lord ihe king for the time to conic. >Vhen the king" spoke to the Gander, in llie same strain as he had done to the high-priest, his excellency looked rather silly, and made a bungling answer; which, I, who was looking on, knew would be his death- warrant. And, sure enough, when the nobles withdrew, his majesty ordered me to send a Fox to destroy the Gander that very night, with strict commands that every feather of him was to be eaten up. When the Fox went, according to orders, his excellency, shrewdly suspecting the purport of his mission, and knowing that no time was to be lost, got out the first word, by telling his lordship, the Fox, that if he would conduct him to the king, everything should be discovered that he knew on the occasion, and all persons THE BEASTS. 151 concerned in the late transaction delivered up to justice ; but that if he was put to death, it would be impossible to arrive at the truth on the subject. His lordship had a great fancy to have his excellency's head in his stomach ; and he well knew that he had the royal warrant to indulge himself in this particular ; but when he consider- ed that the king would reward him much higher if he closed with his excellency's proposals, he pro- fessed himself ready to conduct his excellency in- to the royal presence ; at the same time solemnly assuring him, that he had mistaken his mission ; that he had come merely on a friendly visit ; swearing, by Mammoth, Behemoth, and Levia- than, that he had never dreamed of doing any injury to his excellency. The prime minister received all this as it was intended ; and after a most friendly salute, his lordship and his excel- lency went forthwith to the king, in a very ami- cable manner, talking all the way of the state of the weather and the price of corn. The king 152 REBELLION OF ordered his lordship to withdraw ; and the Gander knowing, now that he was left alone with his majesty, that nothing bnt a frank confession could save his life, after a very few words, pro- duced a letter from the high-priest that he had received that morning. " To his excellency, the Gander, i)rime minister — his arch-grace tlie Owl, high-priest, the most humble atom of dust in the universe, sends greeting and paternal benediction. " On llje present occasion, circumlocution would be unnecessary to your excellency, as we were both wit- nesses of the disgrace that the royal family sustained last night, at the queen's accouchement. Her majesty must have been mad, not to have better provided for such a dilemma. Be that, however, as it may, it is our duty now, as your excellency will perceive, to decide upon something likely to turn away the ruin that will fall upon the priesthood, by the folly of some of its members. I have long known that the Seraphic Doctor was likely to contaminate the royal line; but I thought her majesty understood these things better, than to allow herself thus to be discovered in so foolish a line of con- THE BKASTS. 163 duct. Her confessor, the great elephant of Siam, was without doubt father of the other unfortunate twin. He told me some time ago, that he was a favorite in a cer- tain quarter ; but I thought, lately, he had been entirely superceded by the Seraphic Doctor ; and indeed I knmv that to be the case. " His majesty the king, who is a right royal prince, and never lets his secret enemies pass unpunished, will, without doubt, murder the Seraphic Doctor and the confessor ; and, from his stern and cruel temperament, I sadly fear, will ruin the whole priesthood, resume our tythes, take away our privileges, and send me to catch mice as I can. Your excellency I know to be a most religious bird ; and I am sure you will never see the priesthood destroyed, or disgraced in any way : besides, your wife, the Goose, who is my intimate and very dear friend, would never bear for a moment that my interests should be injured. Time presses — something must be done. I advise you to send private information to the Seraphic Doctor to escape : and, at tlie very next meal the king takes, to mix poison in the royal thistles ; to secure the avenues of the royal stable ; to proclaim the queen regent in the minority of his royal highness Stul- tissimo Obstinate ; and thus to restore religion to the kingdom, to save the priesthood, and to acquire for 154 REBELLION OF yourself a good conscience, and the love and favor of our sacred order, wliicli is of greater advantage tliau any other consideration. " Resolve — execute — triumph ! " Thine, the most humble, BUBO." The king was amazed at this enormous and hideous perfidy ; but he never hesitated in any of his resolutions, and he well knew that he must either crush, or be crushed, on the present trying emergency. He therefore sent messen- gers to arrest the high-priest, the Seraphic Doctor, the confessor and ten thousand elephants that lived in the neighbourhood of tlie court ; and charges were given to put them to death, if they made any resistance. The high-priest, however, who was on the alert, flew away, and got into an ivy-bush, so that they could not catch him. The Seraphic Doctor skipped off into the woods; so that the royal vengeance fell only on the confessor, who was boiled alive in oil ; and on a hundred other elephants, who, being his intimate friends, were burnt to death, THE BEASTS, 155 and their' ashes thrown into the sea. The other priests were kept in close confinement; and every search possible was made for the high- priest, who was too wise to be caught, and who took good care never to go near the traps that the king set for him ; but hooted and screamed around the royal stables, to let his friends and his enemies know that he was still alive, when the darkness of night made it safe for him to go abroad. As the queen recovered from her confinement, which, considering what she had gone through, was no slight matter, she became sensible of her perilous situation ; particularly as his majesty refused to see her, and set a guard of mastiffs round her royal stable. Her friends, however, contrived to let her know all that was going on ; and the high-priest and the elephants con- jured her, for the love of Mammoth, Behemoth, Leviathan, and the Sea Serpent, and everything else that was august in their mythology, to take some active steps to get rid of her perse- 156 REBELLION OF cutiiig and odious sinner-husband. To this bold step, her fears and her aflections strongly pro- pelled her ; and an interview that she had in se- cret, in spite of her guards, with the Seraphic Doctor, determined her to lose no time in putting the king to dt^ath, and to restore religion to its former flourishing state. With this view, sh»^ wrote a letter to her husband, (which she took good care to publish first) conjuring him, as he honored his faith, and the welfare of his king- dom, to restore the priesthood to its former con- dition ; to release the elephants ; to recal the high-priest; to give up those sacreligious wretches who had advised him to boil her confessor, and bum his friends ; and to make ample and royal retribution, for all the scandal and disgrace he had brought upon the faith of his realm. This was followed up by an interdict from the Owl, forbidding the king from eating, drinking, or sleeping, for a hundred days ; and declaring all those who aided or abetted him, in his present hardened and impenetrable state, inca- THE BEASTS. 157 pable of eating or drinking till they died. This interdict had a prodigious effect on the king's subjects. Hundreds of his nobles retired from court, and went to join the high priest; and the Seraphic Doctor, seeing the turn that things were taking, came out of the woods, and preached several long-winded discourses on the beauty, virtue, and efficacy of high treason and rebel- lion ; and he wrote a pamphlet," in which he proved that the king was the great enemy of Mammoth and Leviathan ; and that it was in- cumbent on all good animals to use their utmost endeavours to dethrone him, and put him to death. In all these troubles I strongly recommended his majesty to have the queen destroyed ; but though he signed her death warrant, yet he would not al- low it to be put into execution ; saying, that he would see how matters would end, and that her life was still in his power, whatever might hap- pen. In the mean time, however, he took vigo- rous steps against the priests ; he put them out H 158 REBELLION OF of the protection of the law ; he resumed all their lands, and made it lawful for any one to put them to death, whenever and wherever they pleased ; and he continually had them burnt alive, when- ver he could find them, in wood, mountain, or plain. The elephants now assumed the name of mar- tyrs, and refused to be called priests any longer ; but went up and down the kingdom, making all the noise possible (and an elephant can make a very loud noise) about the horrors and cruelties of their persecution. The king was determined to make some of his enemies feel his vengeance, for all this disturbance and rebellion ; and at last succeeded in surrounding a temple in the disaffect- ed districts,where the SeraphicDoctor was preach- ing on rebellion, and had him worried with his mastiffs in the midst of his discourse. This bold and vigorous step, however, raised the rage of the priests to such a pitch, and made such a sen- sation in the kingdom, that I plainly saw the king would be dethroned by the priestly faction; and THE BEASTS. \oO that nothing could preserve him from destruction any longer. Having, for the last time, pressed upon him the necessity of destroying the queen ; and having found, as before, that he would not take this necessary step ; I thought it high time to go over to her majesty's party, and to join those who had both power and prudence on their side. Consequently, I bribed the guards with some shins of beef, and in the dead of night re- leased her majesty from her dreary and danger- ous confinement, in which she had been so long immured, and accompanied her at full gallop to the camp of the high-priest, whose joy was inde- scribable in receiving the presence and assistance of so august a personage. The first step taken by the high priest, was to have a solemn and magnificent act of adoration to the gods of his mythology, in which with pomp and grandeur the most astonishing, the Seraphic Doctor was enrolled amongst the gods, and de- clared a martyr and witness of the cause in which he died ; the day of his death was to be a grand H 2 160 REBELLION OF annual festival, and one hundred and one temples were to be built to his meraorj'. This was part- ly to give eclat and solemnity to the priesthood, and partly to gratify the queen,who cherished the memory of the Seraphic Doctor as that of her dear and favorite lover. The great majority of the animals having join- ed the queen, from scruples of conscience, his ma- jesty saw that there was no hope but in a pitched battle, in which he doubted not to be able to con- quer the rebels, (though they were superior in numbers to the royal army) by the well-known skill and science of his generals, who had carried him through the dangers of the revolution, and always brought him off conqueror. With this idea, he sallied out at the head of a very formida- ble army of savage and terrible beasts, who were good scholars in the science of blood, and pre- pared for murder and mischief by nature and edu- cation. A tiger was his general, and a hyena his aide-de-camp ; and if ferocity could have carried the day, victory must have declared for his majes- THE BEASTS. 161 t>'s forces. But there was a tremendous weapoji ill the hands of the rebels, more powerful than skill and courage, which was religion ; and well was this weapon turned against the king, the night before the battle, by the intrigues and address of the high-priest, who sent letters to the king's ge- nerals, threatening them with an interdict, and the fury of Mammoth, Leviathan, Behemoth, and thie Sea Serpent, if they did not join the queen in the day of battle, and desert the royal stand- ard. When the two armies met, victory was at first decidedly with the king; but at a signal gi- ven by the high-priest, his generals turned against him, and the rest of his army was struck with a panic, that ended in a general rout, and a flight from the field of battle, in which two-thirds of the royal forces were destroyed, and the rest sxir- rendered at discretion. The king himself was taken alive ; and the high-priest had the satisfaction of picking out his eyes, with his own ecclesiastical bill ; and the queen the great pleasure of tearing him open H 3 162 REHELLION OP with her own locth. His rojal carcase was thrown to the dogs and birds, and before the even- ings not an atom of it remained on the earth ! Thus fell the Ass, my lord and master, whose fate I cannot but lament, as shewing a rare in- stance of the mutability of asinine affairs, and the danger and ditiiculty of wearing a royal crown. He was a great prince, and a great Ass, of most noble and royal notions, and having the happiness and good of his subjects much at heart : — he was truly magnificent in his ideas, which he execut- ed w ith the extravagance and recklessness becom- ing a prince : — he was a warm friend, and a bitter enemy; so that they who offended him, usually met with no gentle termination to their lives ; and he was equally bent on exalting his friends and councellors. He was deceitful and hypocritical, to the last degree, when he wished to ruin any one ; which proceeded somewhat, in my opinion, from cowardice ; though at the same time he was able to do very bold things, when his own im- mediate safety was concerned. All his conduct THE BEASTS. 1G3 was founded on policy ; he protected and encou- raged his priests, at first, from a notion of their oiving stability to the throne ; but when circum- stances turned them into rebels, his natural ha- tred and contempt for them broke out, which he indulged with a severity bordering on ferocity. He burnt alive seven hundred and three priests ; he poisoned one hundred more, and strangled I about a thousand other animals, immediately con- nected with them. In the course of his life, he was the dire(;t cause of the death of two million, seven hundred thousand animals, in battles, or in civil executions; and it must be confessed, that though he conquered all parties, and overwhelm- ed all factions by his prowess, yet he was on the whole unsparing of the blood of his fellow crea- tures. He was sober and chaste enough for a prince; his chief intrigue was with Camilla, whom he debauched, as has been told, in the life of her husband ; for before that, he had lived quietly with one of his own species, by whom he had nine young asses, which Camilla would never 164 REBELLION OF allow to come to court, and which were all carc- tullv destroyed by her after the death of the kinc. lest they should put up a claim to the throne. He owed his fall entirely to his affection for the queen; for had he murdered her, as 1 so fre- (|uentlv advised him to do, it would ha\e heen iiiij)ossible for the rebels to have made any heacl iigainst him; but they must have fallen away, on the loss of so important and powerful a ring- leader. The Ass was on the political stage about eiijhl years ; he was two years Dictator, and three years and seven months King ; and died when he was about eleven years old. He had one i)rince ass by Camilla, Stultissimo Obstinate, who nmch re- sembled him in appearance; but was inhnitely be- liind him in abilities ; being, in fact, one of the stupidest mules I ever saw in my life. All the world knows what happened after the kint^'s death ; — how Camilla was declared regent ; how she built a mausoleum to the memory of the Seiaphic Doctor, and lived with a camel-leopard THE BEASTS. 165 whom she made groom of her bed-chamber, aad by whom she had a large issue ; how she exahed the dignity of the elephants, and was considered a queen of great devotion and rare orthodoxy. The high-priest never got over the king's eyes, which he picked out, as has been related; for they stuck in his throat, and he died the next day ; and the queen supplied his place by an enormous ourang-outang, brother of the Seraphic Doctor, and of whom the world said she was dotingly fond. But I am wearied of court anecdotes : — deaths, mit¥ders, banishments, intrigues, disgraces, and manoeuvres, are all that can be told in talking <"r writing of courts ; and I am sure enough has been told here to furnish matter for a better historian, and to make all moralists reflect on the instability aad fickleness of human and bputal affairs; which, I am told, is the chief object both of his- torians and of moralists. Printed for J. 6t H. L. Hunt, Tavistock Street In the Press, and mil shortly he published, Price 10s. 6di. wooler's Secret History 0» THE RADICAL ERA: ^With Sketches of upwards of Two Hundred Political Characters: Including all the Prominent Actors, from the Monarch downwards, during the memorable period of Domestic Agitation, commencing in the Autumn of 1016, and terminating mth the Death of the late Marquis of London- derry, alias Lord Castlereagh. University of California Library Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. -»> -o » /^^ » ^^ !^ O I U/ C J-ir i Ob PR Pimplico - 5178 P6a5r Rebellion of the beasts 3 1158 01164 6956 PR 5178 P6U5r llll!flH?liJH^fi^,"^9'0NAL LIBRARY MCILI AA 000 371 110 ■■"^^ ■*■' . Uni