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MEMORIES OF A SCHOOL INSPECTOR 
 
MEMORIES 
 
 OF A 
 
 SCHOOL INSPECTOR 
 
 THIRTY-FIVE YEARS 
 IN LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 
 
 BY 
 
 A. J. SWINBURNE 
 
 FORMERLY ONE OF H.M. INSPECTORS OF SCHOOLS 
 
 PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR 
 
 SNAPE PRIORY. SAXMUNDHAM 
 LONDON SELLING AGENTS: M'DOUGALL, E.G. 
 
S9S' 
 
 CONTENTS /<^/P. 
 
 CHAP. Jlyj ^> yi y I'AOB 
 
 I. School and Oxford Days . l^fXIf^' 7 
 
 II. Corporaij Punishment 14 
 
 III. Later Oxford Days 20 
 
 IV. Oxford and Dresden 26 
 
 V. Lancashire and Suffolk 37 
 
 VI. Lowestoft 44 
 
 VII. The Clergy 49 
 
 VIII. County Councils 68 
 
 IX. Motors 93 
 
 X. Staying Out 109 
 
 XI. General . . 133 
 
 XII. Suffolk ......... 143 
 
 XIII. Personal . 168 
 
 XIV. Answers 178 
 
 XV. The East Suffolk Prize Scheme . . . .193 
 
 XVI. East Suffolk Teachers 206 
 
 XVII. Children 221 
 
 Appendix I. (Examination) 235 
 
 „ II. (Letters) 237 
 
 „ III. (Prize Scheme) 241 
 
 IV, (Crowded Out) 266 
 
 „ V. (Speeches) 260 
 
 235 
 
CHAPTER I 
 
 SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 
 
 J COME of a very old Saxon stock. 
 
 " The Louthers and Swinbumes and Featherstonhaugha 
 Against the Norman waged the wars " 
 
 runs an old ballad carefully preserved by the members of one 
 branch of the family, by whom it was handed to me. " The 
 eminent house of Swinburne," says Burke, in his " History of 
 the landed gentry " (Note p. 71), " is amongst the most 
 ancient in the kingdom, deriving from the flower of the 
 nobility of Europe, and bearing no less than eighty-six 
 quarterings on its shield. It enumerates as lineal pro- 
 genitors, the early Kings of France, many Emperors, Dukes of 
 Normandy, the Plantagenets, Kings of England, the Percies 
 (including Hotspur), the Nevilles, all the Greys, the Willough- 
 by, D'Eresbys, the Warrens, Howards, Cliffords, Vescies, 
 Mortimers, FitzHughs, FitzAlans, FitzWalters, Radcliffes, 
 the Bohuns, Vauxes, Dacres of the North, Widvilles, De Ross, 
 De la Poles, Mowbrays, Beauchamps, etc., etc. It is worthy 
 of note that eighteen out of the twenty-five, barons who 
 wrenched Magna Charta from King John were direct lineal 
 ancestors of the Swinburnes." So great, independent, and 
 impartial an authority, as Burke — himself a baronet, and hold- 
 ing a high post in the Heralds' Office — is not to be despised ; 
 and in these days one comes across so many would be descend- 
 ants of royalty (Edward the first preferred) that it seems 
 advisable to start with Burke's own note, a parallel of which 
 it is not easy to find, even in pages addicted to laudation, 
 as peerages, etc., are apt to be. 
 
 A 7 
 
8 SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 
 
 When Sir Adam de Swinburne, Sheriff of Northumberland, 
 for speaking sharply to the king in 1317, was imprisoned, the 
 Middletons broke into open revolt on his behalf. 
 
 About 1400 A.D., Sir Thomas Swinburne held Bordeaux 
 when England's eyes were riveted on our mutinous French 
 provinces, as they were long after in the " Indian Mutiny " 
 on the heroes who saved us India, though in the earlier instance 
 all was lost. 
 
 The Swinburne brasses at Little Horkesley in Essex, still 
 rank among the finest in England, and Coldham Hall and 
 Euston Park, the latter now in the possession of the Duke of 
 Grafton, were once the property of the Swinburnes and Rook- 
 woods — a Rookwood marrying a Swinburne heiress — with vast 
 estates, since similarly inherited by the Berners and others. 
 
 Later, the wife of that Henry Swinburne who, towards the 
 end of the eighteenth century wrote " Travels in Spain," a 
 standard work, endeavoured by the loan of her wardrobe, to 
 aid the escape of Marie Antoinette, whose sincere attachment 
 to Henry and his wife are matters of history. Hannah More 
 describes Henry, the charm of whose personality was great, 
 as " a neat and modest little man," which recalls the poet, who 
 was also, strangely enough, described as a neat and modest 
 little man ; and more strangely still, if one characteristic 
 marks a family which has with so much virility sustained a 
 male succession all these generations — for it was an old family 
 in the birth time of the Cavendishes, the Cecils, the Seymours, 
 the old families of our time — that characteristic is devotion 
 to the causes of creed and crown. Ardent Roman Catholics 
 until quite recencly and often described as " munificent 
 benefactors," of the abbeys, friars, etc. ; their pedigree dotted 
 with priests, nuns, and Jesuits, their name will, nevertheless, be 
 for ever associated with the fame of Algernon Charles Swin- 
 burne, though he was possessed by diametrically opposite 
 views, on those two supremely important points. But after 
 all, utterly subversive as his ideas on creed and crown are of 
 those of his fathers, it is the same fire which burns in his veins, 
 veins in which the blood of Hotspur flows ; nor need we 
 quote " Corruptio optimi pessima " for there is abundance of 
 justification of his claim to a seat among the immortals, 
 without a line which could corrupt even a tom-tit. 
 
 My father, a clergyman who built a church in Bethnal 
 
SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 9 
 
 Green, placed me at Merchant Taylors' School, in Suffolk Lane. 
 Suffolk Lane ! how curious, that more than two-thirds of my 
 life were destined to be passed in Suffolk lanes. Suffolk 
 Lane dates from the famous Suffolk, Duke De la Pole, and it 
 is interesting to note that the neighbouring Duck's Foot Lane 
 has nothing to do with ducks, as one naturally, from its prox- 
 imity to the river, might have supposed, but thab the word is a 
 corruption of Duke, it being originally called, the Duke's Foot 
 Lane, and there is still a Suffolk House in Cannon Street, 
 where a Mr Eyre lives. 
 
 At our first interview, the headmaster. Doctor Hessey, 
 whose pompous manner will live in the memory of his scholars 
 as long as the genuine kindness of heart it nearly concealed, 
 asked me, almost before the butler was out of the room, 
 " Which is the first day of the week ? " which question like 
 Suffolk Lane foreshadowed my future, but unfortunately 
 my future was not yet there and I could not make the riposte 
 I have since found so useful : " I am here to ask, not answer 
 questions." I therefore stammered Monday, and in the 
 bewilderment of mind that followed stumbled all through the 
 week to Saturday, never imagining that one lived who 
 could call Sunday a week-day. 
 
 My school-days were marred by having to pass through fire 
 in the shape of caning to membloka and other revolting 
 irregularities of the Greek and Latin tongues, and it was not 
 until I reached the sixth form, that the kindness of an assistant 
 master who ruled by love, developed unsuspected qualities 
 in me which caused the headmaster to cancel his recom- 
 mendation to my father to remove me from the school. A 
 translation in verse of one of Horace's Epodes — a penalty for 
 unpunctuality — changed the frowns on Dr Hessey's face to 
 smiles, but a second attempt to turn Latin Sapphics into 
 English Sapphics — with one verse ending " nude among 
 lions," drew smiles of a less gratifying kind from my favourite 
 master, earnestly as he struggled for my sake to suppress 
 them. A set of Latin Hexameters at Oxford, however, won 
 me a scholarship; and this led to my first experience of a 
 Suffolk farmer, for a prize was offered for the best Latin poem 
 on Westminster Abbey, and to visit that edifice, to take notes 
 on the monuments, to lose my pencil, and to accept the offer 
 of another from a portly, well-to-do-looking, middle-class 
 
10 SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 
 
 individual, possessed of charmingly cosy and engaging 
 manners were, comparatively speaking, " the work of a 
 moment " ; and how brimful he was of the very information, 
 I had come in search of. How fortunate I esteemed myself 
 to meet him, a Suffolk farmer he told me he was, and a most 
 unique specimen he proved to be. His graphic description 
 of Cambridge, where he had just left his boy, the ambition 
 of his life being to have a son at the 'varsity, completed my 
 subjugation. A father himself, he felt he told me an interest 
 in other fathers' sons, and wished, if I would allow him, to show 
 me where I could lunch expeditiously, and at a moderate cost, 
 that was to say if bread and cheese were good enough for me, 
 as they were for him. We threaded our way through narrow 
 streets, each one dirtier and dingier than its predecessor. My 
 companion stopped suddenly in front of a door which opened 
 on to a long, covered passage. I followed him up this 
 passage until we came to a bar on our left and a closed door 
 on our right, which we entered and found ourselves in a low, 
 narrow room, and as the door swung to heavily after us, I 
 had the sensation of being in prison. This sinister apartment 
 had but a small window, which gave on to a back yard, and 
 had it not been for the reassuring and rubicund countenance 
 of my Suffolk friend, I should have imagined myself in the 
 haunts of robbers and murderers. An inner door covered 
 with green baize and heavily studded with brass nails, 
 which effectually prevented all noises from within or with- 
 out being heard, suggested to my startled imagination, a 
 cofhn lid. 
 
 I had not been long there before another man joined us, 
 whose aspect savoured somewhat of a bookmaker ; by this 
 time, my position had become similar to that of the fox in the 
 game, when the geese are getting the best of it, for seated in 
 the recess, with my back to the window, I was completely 
 hemmed in by my Suffolk friend and the last arrival. My 
 eyes began to search furtively for some means of egress, I 
 scanned the diamond panes of the small window, which was 
 securely barred, and wondered what way of escape would be 
 possible, should that eventuality arise. They were exceed- 
 ingly hospitable in their invitations to me to partake of my 
 own beer. Now, it has always been my habit never to drink 
 until I have finished eating, and then very little ; at Oxford, 
 
SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 11 
 
 when I was training for the eights, there was generally com- 
 petition among my fellow oarsmen as to who should sit next 
 to me — in order to finish the half I usually left of the dearly 
 prized pint of beer, allowed each man. My growing anxiety 
 was temporarily allayed, by the arrival of a third stranger, 
 an innocent-looking country man, whose exuberant spirits 
 he explained, were due to a windfall in the shape of an 
 unexpected legacy. Someone suggested a game, and my wits, 
 dazed though they were at finding myself in this strange 
 milieUy became instantly arrested by the methods of the 
 players. One of the men covered three pieces of a broken 
 church-warden with his hand, leaving only one end of them 
 visible, the others present being invited to guess which of the 
 three pieces of pipe was the longest. The table glittered with 
 gold, and sovereigns changed hands at a bewildering speed, 
 but green as I was, I could but observe that they were not all 
 good coin of the realm. I was not at first drawn into the game, 
 but watched the innocent-looking country man being, as I 
 imagined, fleeced. 
 
 " He's dead drunk," the other two informed me under 
 their breath — " why don't you join in the game, and have 
 some of his money, he's bound to lose it all." 
 
 " Poor devil," I thought, "how on earth can I save him." 
 
 My vague fears becoming crystallized, the words " Open 
 Sesame " began to hammer in my brain. What was to open, 
 or how, I could not imagine, for the hopeless window and the 
 double door, from which I was as effectually barred by the 
 big bodies of the men, precluded all possibility of escape. 
 That they should not suspect me of antagonism, while trying 
 to conceive some plan of action, I proceeded to join in the 
 game. " I've run dry," I said after one or two attempts at 
 solving the riddle of the church-wardens, " and I've only a 
 cheque on me." 
 
 " You've got your watch chain," the bookmaker-like 
 individual replied, " you could raise a fiver on that, and 
 perhaps win twenty with it." 
 
 My mind made itself up without my assistance, so swiftly 
 did it act on inspiration, " Is there a pawn-shop near," I 
 asked. Minute directions were given me, and before they had 
 time to object, I was out of the room, down the ghoulish 
 passage into the street and never did air seem sweeter than 
 
12 SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 
 
 that foul slum-polluted air did to me that day. Breathlessly- 
 inquiring the way, I flew to the nearest police station only to 
 be met by the most aggravating composure — neither the 
 inspector nor any of his myrmidons evincing the least 
 promptitude, nor, indeed, any animation whatever. When, 
 however, they had grasped the fact that my visit was not so 
 much on my own behalf as with the object of saving the 
 innocent-looking country man, their merriment knew no 
 bounds, their stolid control giving place to roars of laughter. 
 " You're quite sure, you've only lost a trifle yourself ? " said 
 the Inspector. " You're the only one who ever got out of 
 that den so lightly. The one you wanted to help is the 
 leader of the gang." 
 
 Before the two constables and I entered the street three 
 figures stepped from the passage door, crossed the street, and 
 vanished down a neighbouring court. " There they go — 
 now," I gasped ; but the ways of the police are not as our ways, 
 — to my bitter disappointment, stopping dead, they com- 
 menced a stealthy pursuit — in the opposite direction, — enter- 
 ing so many public houses with so much confidential whispering 
 that I, who of course had to pay at each bar, soon began to 
 realise that the remedy was growing worse than the disease. 
 
 Consequently, after thanking them with many good wishes 
 for their ultimate success, I left them, and caught the five 
 o'clock train at Paddington for Oxford. I was somewhat 
 consoled to know that those scoundrels had seen me with the 
 police, and not many years after I had the satisfaction of 
 reading of their arrest and sentences, each receiving about 
 five years of penal servitude. The victim that time did 
 drink the beer, and was found by the police, half-dead, and 
 stripped of every valuable ; and so my somewhat quixotic 
 adventure, at any rate must have helped to rid the public 
 of these pests ; and as to the prize poem, one of the clever 
 Elliott family, champion light-weight boxer, saving himself 
 the expense and trouble I incurred, sat down and, out of his 
 head, composed a fancy description of sunset on Westminster 
 Abbey towers and won. 
 
 It reminds one of the prize competition for the best account 
 of an elephant. The Englishman went to see an elephant, 
 the Frenchman read about elephants, the German evolved out 
 of his inner consciousness, the conception of an elephant. The 
 
SCHOOL AND OXFORD DAYS 18 
 
 German won I Once before, as a small boy, I tried to warn a 
 fellow-creature of danger, when my lips tied, as in a nightmare, 
 had refused to come to my aid. It was at an indoor Crystal 
 Palace meeting on Education. Crushed and almost suffoc- 
 ated by the crowd, and little dreaming that I should ever be 
 anything so uninteresting as an educational official myself, 
 I observed the antics of a fat man next to me, a man of the 
 same type as my friend the Suffolk farmer. " Keligion," he 
 cried, " that's the point ; we must have religion," and he 
 waved his left hand enthusiastically, while with his right he 
 emptied the coat-tail pocket of a venerable old gentleman in 
 front, who turned his head to express hearty approval of the 
 fat man's noble sentiment, without discovering that he was 
 being relieved of his valuables by the enthusiast in question. 
 
CHAPTER II 
 
 CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 
 
 As the flogging those swindlers deserved suggests a subject, 
 which no one calling himself an educationist can escape, 
 any more than the ordinary child can escape measles — sooner 
 or later — I propose to get it over here — with my reader's 
 permission. In return ior which favour, I promise brevity. 
 
 Corporal punishment has been for many years, as it were, a 
 joint " to cut at and come again " in the Educational world. 
 It has formed, a perennial subject for discussion ; philan- 
 thropists, novelists, newspaper-men, parents and maiden- 
 aunts have all of them found it a useful and at times, an 
 engrossing theme ; and I of course have my theories, but do 
 not wish to come under the heading of maiden-aunts. 
 Nevertheless, my experience of thirty-five years justifies me 
 in expressing a few opinions on the subject. It is, I consider, 
 as needful to flog for a serious offence as to use brute force if 
 necessary to interrupt the peregrinations of a somnambulist. 
 Bishop I31omfield used to say that if a child were whipped 
 before it arrived at the age of three, it would need no floggings 
 afterwards. 
 
 Parents and children themselves when the matter is put 
 logically before them, admit the need of corporal punishment, 
 *and if teachers would only consult the parents before admin- 
 istering it to the children, sentimentalists who get so much 
 out of this subject would have very little copy to work on. 
 As a child, I myself received hidings which I richly deserved, 
 and only wonder now that I was so lightly let off. On one 
 occasion my father was taking duty for Cannon Battersby 
 at Keswick Rectory, and was most anxious that the few 
 months he was there should pass without a hitch. His 
 dismay may be imagined, when one morning a solemn deputa- 
 tion presented itself at the Rectory door, with a memorial 
 
 14 
 
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 15 
 
 containing the names of all the parishioners humbly praying 
 that that beautiful locality should not be entirely deprived of 
 its " feathered songsters." 
 
 On the other hand an encounter with so formidable a 
 personage as a London Board- School mistress of lengthened 
 experience, will best elucidate my remaining views on this 
 important subject. The migration of this particular speci- 
 men from urban to rural districts is by no means a rare 
 occurrence, and the undeserved contempt of the newcomer 
 for country attainments, often superior to those of the town, 
 must be heard to be believed. I remember my father-in-law, 
 Canon Blomfield's amusement when a town teacher, who was 
 up to his neck in horticultural and other certificates, was 
 found looking among the leaves of the potato plant for the 
 potatoes. It is the unfortunate H.M.I, who has to suffer, 
 for just as a servant who has lived in the house of a big person- 
 age insists on pestering her new and humbler employer 
 with the great lady's methods, so a London teacher trades on 
 the magic of the name of London. And to the rustic mind, 
 the word really has magic. Do not the Suffolk village inns 
 paint up in large letters " London Porter," whatever that 
 may mean ? A London mistress, whom I discovered ad- 
 ministering injudicious punishment, flew into a temper on my 
 remonstrating mildly with her. She retired to her desk, 
 whence after writing vigorously for some minutes, she bore 
 down majestically upon me and trembling with rage began, 
 *' I am right then in asserting in this appeal to Whitehall and 
 the National Union of Teachers, that you object to corporal 
 punishment." 
 
 I replied, " Oh no, I have no objection to corporal 
 punishment." 
 
 " Then why did you object to my boxing that girl's ears ? " 
 
 " You misunderstand me, put it down thus in your notes, 
 H.M.I, has no objection to corporal punishment, it is an 
 excellent remedy if administered to the right person, and in 
 his humble rural experience (of course not to be compared 
 with yours) in nine cases out of ten it is the teacher who 
 deserves it not the child," and then regardless of her stupefac- 
 tion I briefly touched on one or two examples of the point in 
 question. 
 
 1. Vigilance is an indispensable factor of good teaching, yet 
 
16 CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 
 
 how often a child is punished because the teacher's 
 surveillance is slack. 
 
 2. A rule is imperfectly explained, and the child punished 
 
 for misunderstanding. 
 
 3. A little head, distracted within by arithmetical in- 
 
 tricacies, is further distracted without by the physical 
 shock of a blow. 
 
 I remember an instance which illustrates case (1). A girl 
 is entered in the log-book as having been caned seven times in 
 the year. I observe her, she is a lithe, gipsy-like maiden, only 
 thirteen, but already a woman, a bead necklace of many 
 colours accentuating the picturesque darkness of her race. 
 
 " On the hand ? " I inquire of the master, and find that 
 the canings had taken the form of what we used to call 
 " Benders " — floggings in fact. 
 
 " Seven times," I ejaculate, " and at her age." 
 
 " It should have been seventy times seven if I'd had my 
 way," interjects the schoolmaster's wife, darting an adder- 
 like look at me from behind her husband — " the bold huzzy — 
 yes — seventy times seven ! " 
 
 " Do you want to be a naughty girl ? " I whisper. " No, 
 no, I want to be good," she assures me from behind the long 
 black hair, which almost hid her tear-stained face from view. 
 
 Alone again with the master and his wife, both turgid with 
 bluster, I inquire the nature of the girl's offence. 
 
 " She was in the boys' playground during the dinner-hour." 
 
 I failed to see the enormity of the offence and told them so. 
 
 " Do you insinuate," the master inquired insolently, 
 " that I did wrong in flogging her ? the managers and the 
 parents are all with me to a man." 
 
 " I insinuate nothing, and I find no fault with the chastise- 
 ment except that it was not administered to the real 
 offender." 
 
 " Where," I asked, " was the person who should have been 
 overlooking the boys and girls during the dinner-hour — have 
 the managers not insisted that they are not to be left alone ? 
 He," I concluded, " is the person who should have been 
 flogged " — for I knew the master himself was responsible. 
 
 The Suffolk sea-board produces a race of children that still 
 justify Pope Gregory's pun about Angles and Angels, and that 
 attracts artists round the schools in such numbers as actually 
 
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT IT 
 
 to necessitate prohibitory steps on the part of the attendance 
 authorities. Children with brilliant colouring and eyes as 
 bright as sea- washed pebbles in the sun, wearing bead neck- 
 laces of barbaric design, necklaces never seen inland, and 
 which are probably relics of the old smuggling if not of still 
 older days, while their voices seem to have caught the music 
 of the sea. 
 
 But where are children sweeter than at Kessingland, the 
 air of which breathes again in some of Eider Haggard's 
 delightful work. The most charming houses in Suffolk 
 gravitate towards this fairy lightland-strip. It was at Kessing- 
 land in an infants' school, one sultry afternoon, I witnessed a 
 delicious allegory presented by a miniature Adam and Eve. 
 As silent vigilance is the only key to childhood's mind, as well 
 as nature generally, I effaced myself as far as possible behind 
 the teacher's desk and watched. The teacher was away at the 
 back of the school, stooping over a child in the third row ; in 
 the front sat Adam and Eve two six years' old, to whose 
 beauty, beyond my power of description, a poet might have 
 done justice. The baby girl had made a rough Nought and 
 Cross design on her slate with all the rapture of illicit art, and 
 every time I looked the space between her and the boy was 
 dwindling, although I never saw her move. The boy catches 
 sight of this ravishing design, and a piteous appeal for help is 
 in the eye, that, intended for the teacher, wanders in my direc- 
 tion, whence of course there could be " neither voice, nor any 
 to answer, nor any that regarded." Eve is nearer — another 
 piteous appeal from Adam. She is still closer, his eyes implore 
 aid wildly. She is close, a despairing glance for teacher's aid 
 and then " Gooo away," he grunts intrepidly, and Eve is 
 thrust back. The scene is repeated, near, nearer, and at last 
 close, and this time — he falls ! 
 
 With an arm around each other's neck, they are together 
 at last, embellishing the rude design, a delicious dream, to be 
 rudely dispelled by a shower of blows from the rear — for thus 
 were they expelled from their Paradise. 
 
 Blows, shame and disgrace, all might have been averted had 
 the teacher been to the fore instead of in the rear, her eyes 
 free to wander over the whole class, instead of being fixed 
 on one portion of it. Individual attention is certainly 
 necessary, but with a black board at one's command there is 
 
18 CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 
 
 no need for a teacher to neglect the whole class while she gives 
 undivided attention to one member of it. It is quite possible 
 that the children felt instinctively that they were being 
 unjustly punished, and as, littera scrifta manet, I explained 
 orally to the mistress that as flowers turn their leaves towards 
 the light, children's faces turn towards their teacher, and that 
 restlessness in them is obedience to a higher command than 
 hers, and that spaces between unwatched children vanish as 
 surely and imperceptibly as the grass grows. The meaning 
 of the words. Education (drawing out) and Instruction 
 (building up) is too often overlooked. The delicate tendrils 
 of the mind should be drawn out by gentle and vigilant super- 
 vision ; just as the sun without descending to each individual 
 plant, induces and matures its growth. The plant under the 
 influence of the far of! sun builds itself up, each cell resembling 
 a brick, each cell being its own bricklayer. Character best 
 builds itself up in like manner. Does not the Greek word 
 charasso mean " I prick out," and does not each tiny action 
 prick the life design ? Her method savoured rather of destruc- 
 tion than instruction ; and I asked her what would happen 
 if the stove went round to warm each child, and saw by the 
 expression of her face that she perceived a double entente in 
 my question quite unintended by myself. 
 
 I do not wish to convey a false impression of teachers, for 
 no class is more conscientious and devoted to its work than 
 theirs, and they have taught me far more than I ever taught 
 them, while the children have taught us both still more. The 
 Schedule System, for which the board of education and not the 
 teachers is responsible, has been removed, but although the 
 relief felt in consequence is very great ^ the teachers still bear 
 the marks of its fetters, which, as in the case of grammar, 
 use has almost endeared to them. I once saw a teacher 
 who, after arranging her class in a crescent, rushed round it, 
 like a shepherd's dog, which leaps at the ear of each sheep. 
 She speaks for them, she thinks for them, she almost 
 breathes for them. 
 
 " We won't be druv," said Mr Lowther, the father of the 
 Speaker to me, but children on the contrary will " be druv " 
 provided they love their teacher. The Eastern shepherd 
 
 1 See Appendix (I) which should be read by County Councils return- 
 ing to the wallow as one I know is. 
 
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 19 
 
 however leads his sheep. I make these remarks with the 
 less hesitation — as they really belong to Ancient History. 
 Corporal punishment, in any but its justifiable form, has long 
 been practically dead in the Elementary Schools — and no 
 where more so, I am proud to add, than in East Suffolk. 
 
CHAPTER III 
 
 LATER OXFORD DAYS 
 
 I LIVE in the country, but " I know the tragic heart of towns," 
 and the knowledge of both is indispensable if one is to form a 
 reliable judgment on their respective merits. 
 
 A glance from the great Eastern trains as one gets nearer 
 London, proves that town is, after all, but a conglomerate 
 village. Church, school and public-house are here, but 
 long rows of small, ugly houses replace the picturesque 
 cottage while yards usurp the place of gardens until even 
 these, as one approaches the terminus, dwindle to flower boxes 
 and bird cages. No squire thrones it in these unsalubrious 
 districts, and the absentee employers live westwards, the poor 
 being thus separated from the rich, a far less satisfactory 
 grouping than the rural. My nightmares still take the form 
 of being lost in some of those Bethnal Green courts and alleys, 
 slums where even a policeman dared not enter alone, and 
 where hatred, robbery and even murder seemed to lurk in the 
 hungry eyes one encountered. 
 
 So many years ago that I dare not count them now, a group 
 of loafers were playing pitch-and-toss somewhere behind 
 Shoreditch Church. I had just had a birthday and was the 
 proud possessor of a new silver watch, and one may imagine 
 my calf -like delight when, as they made room for my sister 
 and myself to pass, one of the said loafers politely inquired 
 of me the hour. They were still there on our return, but this 
 time their evident admiration for my new possession was not 
 as gratifying to my vanity as their previous interest had been. 
 They certainly made way for us, but before we could pass 
 through their ranks they had closed up. again, one seizing me 
 by the elbows, another by the throat, while a third helped 
 himself to the brand new watch. We both called loudly and 
 struggled, but all was of no avail and my small sister, finding 
 
LATER OXFORD DAYS 21 
 
 that she could not regain possession of the beautiful 
 new toy, burst into tears and smashed its face with her 
 little fist. We were then allowed to pass but, although it was 
 broad daylight and onlookers abounded, no one would have 
 thought of interfering, even if more serious harm had 
 befallen us. 
 
 One sees loafers in SufEolk villages, but not in work hours ; 
 they stand about in groups with hands in pockets, but at all 
 events their hands are in their own and not in other people's 
 pockets. A clergyman's office in such London districts as 
 these I have just been describing is no sinecure, but he is 
 however rewarded, even in this world, as my father was, by 
 occasionally unearthing unexpected wealth of character from 
 beneath forbidding and sordid exteriors. A prize-fighter 
 named Jobbins underwent conversion and was admitted into 
 my father's church, and he in his turn actually converted my 
 father to a belief in boxing, on the lines of self defence. My 
 brother and I were therefore allowed to take lessons in self 
 defence ; but when we had convinced Jobbins that we were 
 now able to defend ourselves, he approached us confidentially, 
 and inquired in a hoarse whisper as if fearing that one of our 
 pious parents might overhear " Well when yer've knocked 
 him off so yer ain't agoin' to leave 'im alone are yer ? " We 
 thought we weren't ! 
 
 If ever an exterior was misleading, his was. No one would 
 have dreamed that that slack coated, baggy-trousered 
 individual, was the possessor of a divinely beautiful figure ; 
 yet Praxiteles himself could have rejoiced over such a model. 
 His grace and strength of limb as well as his magnificent 
 pluck conquered and bewitched our youthful fancy ; we wor- 
 shipped him ! 
 
 The seed of these lessons bore fruit, however, many years 
 afterwards, for when my brother, now Canon Swinburne, 
 then an undergraduate in his third year, was strolling out 
 of Oxford, on the 5th of November, to avoid the rows 
 which generally took place within, a stone-mason passing 
 shouted : 
 
 " Hi, yer a-losin' of yer pocket 'andkerchief ! " He at once 
 felt in the tail-coat of his pocket to discover that it had been 
 filled with refuse of the most unsavoury description. No 
 young man likes his immaculate evening attire polluted in this 
 
22 LATER OXFORD DAYS 
 
 manner, and yearning to spoil something in return, my 
 brother insisted on the stone-mason's company, while they 
 repaired to an adjacent barn, where with his bosom friend 
 Briggs (the late M.P.) as his second, he took his revenge a 
 la Jobbins, in the most mascerly style imaginable, confining 
 himself to self-defence for many a long weary round, but 
 eventually acting on the precept of his great master — and 
 going in with a finishing " Long Melford " from the left — a 
 blow which left him a broken finger — so hard was that 
 skull ! 
 
 Boxing leads to more disaster than it saves ; and as to the 
 plea of the defence of an assaulted woman, etc., it is absurd — 
 unless there are people present to see fair play — which of 
 course there are not — a brute will be a brute, and brute 
 strength can kick boxing to death. Why not wrestle with a 
 bull ? In this case, however, there was fair play ; and no 
 one's eyes were more opened than those of the stone-mason — 
 so much the stronger man of the two — until they were 
 closed. 
 
 On the other hand, all sport certainly contributes to the 
 foundation of character, teaching patience, control of one's 
 temper, vigilance, concentration and generosity of outlook. 
 I myself can claim a certain amount of proficiency in riding, 
 boxing, swimming, skating, rowing, golf, tennis, etc., and in 
 all these amusements the management of the body is a more 
 important factor for success than the use of the arms. Jobbins 
 allowed us boys to hit at his face as hard as we liked with our 
 arms only. A good rider always sits back, the skater's body 
 regulates his skate, the golfer knows that it is the position of 
 his body which influences his swing and so it is in all other 
 games. Hence the expression to " put your back " into a 
 job. The best methods do not come naturally, the ease 
 of perfection being the outcome of a perfect control of the 
 muscles. This I have often told the teachers, for there is 
 too much tongue, arm, and leg work so to speak in their 
 teaching. 
 
 " Go back to your desk and do not be all over the place," 
 I have said to them repeatedly. 
 
 " Keep still, and watch, as the best tennis-players do." 
 
 To return from this digression, I am reminded of the 
 late Duke of Hamilton by the coincidence of his having had, 
 
LATER OXFORD DAYS 28 
 
 while at Oxford, a similar encounter with a carpenter on 
 the very day when my brother fought his stone-mason. 
 The Duke, who was crossing a country stream via a plank, 
 met a carpenter half-way, who would not go back to allow 
 His Grace to pass first. " Do you know me ? " asked the 
 Duke. " No, I don't know you, and don't want to." " It's 
 the Duke of Hamilton ! " an onlooker informed him. " I 
 don't care 'oo it is ; is ee ' a better man ' than me ? " 
 This question receiving no answer, the truculent carpenter 
 proceeded to divest himself of all superfluous clothing, invit- 
 ing the Duke to do the same, and show which was " the 
 better man " of the two. The Duke, nothing loth, responded 
 to the invitation, and after a true British fight, consisting 
 of many rounds, greeted with much applause, the combatants 
 rehabilitated themselves, the carpenter doffed his cap, and 
 the Duke was allowed to cross the stream first. Curiously 
 enough, the very night on which I encountered the butcher ,i 
 this same Duke joined the fray — having mischievously lured 
 two young aristocrats into the thick of a " town and gown," 
 just as Canute lured his flatterers into the sea — because they 
 "toadied" him. " I'll larn them to be toadies " the hand- 
 some Duke's laughing eyes seemed to say ; and that he was 
 as kind as he was brave was proved by the aid he rendered 
 to my sister when bathing at Deauville. 
 
 Only the other day, in a small Suffolk church, where the 
 seats had been redistributed, the miller, when requested 
 by the churchwarden — in the presence of the congregation 
 assembled for Sunday morning service — to vacate the seat 
 which he (the miller) had for many years occupied — in favour 
 of somebody else — proceeded with much deliberation to pull 
 off his coat, saying, " You'll have to prove yerself ' a better 
 man ' than me afore I come out o' this." Needless to say 
 he retained the seat ; and that same miller on another 
 occasion exhibited a quaint pagan philosophy characteristic 
 of village life, when a person in authority was commenting — 
 with a view to some action being taken — on the conduct of a 
 woman of considerable beauty, whose reputation was anything 
 but an enviable one, and whose example was exceedingly 
 detrimental to others in the village. 
 
 " Well, sir," said he, " it's like this, ye see ; she getting on ; 
 
 1 Page 24. 
 B 
 
24 LATER OXFORD DAYS 
 
 her looks can't last much longer, and then things '11 right 
 theirselves, so I siiy, ' Let her be,' that's what I siiy." 
 
 On one occasion, with the handsome nephew of Tom Hughes 
 (author of " Tom Brown's School Days " ^) holding the bridge, 
 I, who would infinitely have preferred to run away and fight 
 again another day, was fortunate enough to dispose of a 
 raucous, tall butcher armed with a stick, who had made him- 
 self conspicuous in the hostile crowd. But how we change ! 
 Last year I forgot to read the account of the boat race, and 
 yet I can remember well the time when to me the race from 
 Putney to Mortlake loomed larger than the race from birth 
 to death. I had the honour to row in the trial boats for 
 the Oxford University crew, for, besides being captain of 
 the football, I was captain of my college eight. Every 
 morning Timms, the varsity bargeman, had to wait on each 
 happy oarsman who had been selected. There were seventy- 
 two steps up to my room in the back quad, and no lover ever 
 listened more breathlessly for lighter footsteps than I did 
 for his heavy ones, and when at last he came no more, I 
 felt that I should never smile again. Darbyshire, Benson, 
 Woodhouse, Stainer, were all friends of mine, and to me they 
 seemed gods among men. A magnificent specimen of man- 
 hood, T. Southey Baker, a kinsman of Southey the poet, whom 
 I had taught to row, was chosen for the Oxford University 
 crew when I was rejected; but I succeeded in beating him 
 for the college sculls three years later. The first year he 
 beat me ; the second year I was winning, but caught a crab 
 just on the post, when they said the bubbles of my sub- 
 merged bad language rose to the surface. The third year 
 I won. It was with this same varsity oar (three years) for 
 stroke that I rowed against two fishermen of Rottingdean. 
 The contempt of these men for smooth water and outrig- 
 performance was immense, and even Baker's feat of raising 
 and carrying a block of masonry none of the bricklayers could 
 lift, did not increase their respect for his powers. We chal- 
 lenged their two champions to a mile out and a mile back 
 on the sea in their heavy tub pairs, they to be steered by a 
 boy nicknamed Shrimp, and we by a boy dubbed Prawn. 
 For the mile out we were abreast, but curiously enough we 
 
 1 My friend's father, brother of the author, was the pioneer champion 
 of English golf. 
 
LATER OXFORD DAYS 25 
 
 gained at the turn. I was able to watch the strange single 
 brace of their bow oar without breaking the golden rule, 
 *' Keep your eyes in the boat." The crowd crowned us 
 with flowers, but after using their heavy oars I was unable 
 to open my hands for two days. 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 A FATHER ! My brother was at Oxford with me, and nothing 
 but the fact of having had two sons at Cambridge helps me 
 to realize the anxiety a father feels concerning sons who 
 have their own way to make through life. We, however, 
 were not as bad as that couple whose father spared no expense 
 in having them thoroughly tutored, to make sure of their 
 passing smalls.; On Edward, the elder of the two, special 
 attention was bestowed. Not a line did *' Dad " receive from 
 his gifted progeny until the end of the first term, when, to a 
 request for a further cheque, was affixed the postscript — 
 
 " Both ploughed, especially Edward ! " 
 
 Where ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to be wise, and it is well 
 that fathers frequently rejoice in the sublimest of ignorance 
 concerning their own offspring. My father, unfolding his 
 Times one morning, lighted upon a paragraph containing a 
 highly-varnished account of an undergraduate who had 
 nearly killed a policeman, and who had only escaped being 
 sent down by payment of a heavy fine, and proceeded to con- 
 gratulate himself on the fact that other fathers had more 
 trouble with their sons than he, not deeming for an instant 
 that it might be his own who had distinguished himself in 
 this unpleasant manner. 
 
 Nevertheless it was I who had had an affray with one of the 
 town police, who I believed to have no jurisdiction over the 
 varsity ; this law, however, unluckily for me, had changed 
 exactly a week before. The senior Proctor, a fellow of 
 Magdalen, stood my friend ; he laughed at the colossal con- 
 stable's much-garnished story, and threatened to resign if 
 I were rusticated, as the magistrates in majority wished. 
 
 Another time, during the bread riots, when my patriotic 
 blood was stirred by a call for special constables, to which it 
 
 26 
 
OXFORD AND DRESDEN 27 
 
 responded with unbridled zeal, a zeal which would have been 
 but ill rewarded had the Dons known of it, I discovered that 
 to climb back into the precincts of the college was a feat 
 beyond my powers. Two constables approach; I fear I 
 am undone ; then ignobly I offer them a royal lady's head, 
 in return for which I am hoisted in their strong arms to that 
 side of the college wall which, at three o'clock in the morning, 
 seems so much the more desirable one to me. But my good 
 father remained in ignorance of these narrow escapes I had, 
 just as he never discovered that as boys we had a dummy, 
 dressed up to represent a man, in the boat with us, when my 
 brother Stanley and myself on various occasions narrowly 
 escaped drowning, having disobeyed his strict injunctions 
 to take a man with us on any aquatic expedition we might 
 make. 
 
 The battle is not, however, always to the strong, nor the 
 race to the swift. I can see now my next-door neighbour 
 at Oxford, sitting erect with head entowelled, a strong smell of 
 toothache mixture pervading the whole of his demesne ; he so 
 anxious not to sacrifice one hour of reading out of the twelve, 
 and beseeching me to follow his example. He invariably 
 offered me " Corf-fee," evidently considering it a corrective 
 for an unstudious frame of mind. His brother, in an adjacent 
 college, and he carried off two fellowships, but they were 
 neither of them happy in their later fellowship of marriage, 
 each espousing a girl from the shops opposite their lodgings. 
 I did not get a fellowship, although I was first in the essay 
 at St John's at the examination for that distinction — in 
 which examination the sight of those overworked candidates 
 who seemed to me to have their necks spliced with wraps 
 to keep their heads up, convinced me from the beginning 
 of that examination that the only person I could expect to 
 beat was the man from the porter's lodge who gave out the 
 pens. Many fellowship winners had their names down for 
 the Inspectorship, a prize I was most lucky to secure through 
 the patronage of the Duke of Eichmond, which was procured 
 for me by Lady Wynford, a friend of my aunt, Mrs Vicars. 
 
 When I look back across a long vista of years, I remember 
 with infinite gratitude the kind help I received from Dr 
 Magrath, Mr Capes, Professor Sayce, Mr Henry Nettleship, 
 Mr Henry Simcox, Mr Humphrey Ward, and Dr Moore, the 
 
28 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 tender-hearted principal of Teddy Hall. It was certainly 
 through them that I achieved what little success I did. 
 There were many things I liked better than work, and I used 
 to hunt regularly with the Christ Church draghounds when 
 Mr Walter Long was master. Steeplechases had a great 
 fascination for me, and I had the triumph of beating Lord 
 Castlereagh in one, he mounted on his own grey and I on 
 my own bay — his courtesy under defeat being a lesson to the 
 unmannered ; and curiously enough, some years later, when 
 Viscount Castlereagh had merged into Lord Londonderry, 
 I came across him again in his official capacity as President 
 of the Board of Education. It was about the time when 
 the terrible struggle between " Kekewich " and " Gorst " was 
 approaching its end, the latter being generally admitted 
 to occupy the enviable position of top dog, that an adminis- 
 trative difficulty arose. The Honourable , a woman In- 
 spector, used to come to the schools accompanied by her 
 dog, a famous fox-terrier, whom she delighted to exhibit to 
 the children, informing them of its prowess as an exterminator 
 of rats. " Seven rats a minute," she told them proudly, 
 and their sympathetic faces as they received this information 
 recalled Spain and her bull-fights to the impartial mind. 
 A flutter, however, arose in the Nonconformist Dovecots. 
 " Was this kind of talk," they asked, " likely to promote 
 Christian sympathy and brotherly love ? " Whether it 
 was between the dog and the rat they desired to promote 
 those virtues, it is difficult to gather. Complaints beginning 
 in a low murmur as of distant thunder gradually burst over 
 White Hall in one close peal, necessitating immediate inter- 
 vention on the part of the authorities. 
 
 It was, nevertheless, a delicate matter as to who should 
 tackle the lady ; " Gorst " was capable, but " Londonderry," 
 the glass of fashion and the soul of courtesy, they regarded as 
 the right man. His Lordship, who by no means liked the job, 
 was persuaded to bring his diplomatic skill to bear upon the 
 lady, and in due time the interview between them was brought 
 about. 
 
 " I hear," he began, in the cold tones of impartial official- 
 dom,' "that it's a good sort of dog." 
 
 " Kills seven rats a minute ! " its mistress assured him 
 proudly. 
 
OXFORD AND DRESDEN 29 
 
 " Seven a minute ! Seven a minute ! they never told me 
 that ! " 
 
 The Lord President's polite interest was instantly re- 
 placed by the genuine article. 
 
 " It seems impossible, I'd give anything for a dog like that." 
 
 The solution of the difficulty became simple; the dog 
 changed hands. 
 
 Among the pleasant memories stored in the recesses of my 
 mind is a time I spent at Uppingham, where I took work for 
 a friend. Dr Thring, the head master, had a most interesting 
 personality, and I was fortunate enough to see a good deal 
 of him while there. I won his approval by sending a boy to 
 him to be caned after morning school. The boy carried a 
 note in which I wrote, " Please do not cane this boy." The 
 effect on the boy, he said, was more salutary than if he had 
 had the medicine prescribed. 
 
 All the morning I had been highly amused in observing 
 preparations that were being made to receive the caning 
 that was not to come ofi. I watched the boy, as he stood 
 on a form, gradually increase in size by means of copy-books 
 which were furtively conveyed to him by other boys, who 
 enjoyed the pleasant delusion of hoodwinking me quite as 
 much as providing inanimate substitutes for the master's 
 cane. During the charming walks I took in Dr Thring's 
 company he used to let fly at the unsectarian and so-much- 
 per-pass school, biting his words with those great white teeth 
 of his. 
 
 " There'll be a special nail reserved for Mr Mundella's 
 hat in a place we won't mention," he exclaimed angrily, 
 when on the subject of popular education; and again, " We 
 do not want to cram a few, we want to elevate them all, 
 raise the general level, and let morality and religion come 
 first." _ 
 
 Having no presentiment that I myself should one day be an 
 H.M.I. , and the subject of National Schools wearing as dry an 
 aspect to me as it ever did and ever will to the eyes of the 
 general public, I did not chronicle as much of his enlighten- 
 ing conversation as I might have done. He introduced me 
 to the comparatively unknown mind of his favourite poet, 
 Alexander Smith, through the medium of a little look of 
 delightful verse entitled " City Poems," and before we parted 
 
30 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 he offered me a mastership which I could not accept, as I was 
 then going into the artillery, an idea afterwards abandoned 
 for dinners in the Middle Temple, very few of which, however, 
 were consumed by me, as the news then reached me of my 
 appointment to the Inspectorship. 
 
 In my fourth year at Oxford my father, with his usual 
 kindness, consented to my joining a reading-party consisting of 
 Lord Francis Hervey, E. Nolan, and others, our tutor being 
 the Metropolitan of India (R. S. Copleston), whose generosity, 
 affection, and saintly character are among the most treasured 
 reminiscences of a life blessed with more than its share of 
 agreeable associations. He and I formed a casual club, of 
 which we were the sole members, where all punctuality and 
 kindred regulations were discarded, until, on the occasion of 
 my marriage, he signalized the dissolution of the club by pre- 
 senting me with a clock possessing a curiously sweet chime, 
 which is on the mantel-shelf as I write, still going strong. 
 Speaking of marriage recalls the absurd example of a lover's 
 absence of mind when Canon Blomfield's daughter received 
 from me an untidy old receipted bill instead of the proposal 
 I had so carefully composed, and bewildering complications 
 arose from the misunderstanding so caused. Douglas Moffat, 
 in his " Oxford Stories," relates this occurrence under the 
 heading, " A Keceipted Bill." 
 
 The reading-party, from which I have so far digressed, was 
 to have its headquarters at Dresden, where the various 
 members were to meet. My father had strongly advocated 
 the Harwich route, but some one having told me of a cattle 
 steamer which would carry a few passengers, I, nothing 
 loth to save some of the limited sum allowed me for ex- 
 penses, determined to make one of the freight. As we were 
 to leave London very early in the morning, I slept on board 
 over night, that is to say, I spent the night listening to 
 the ceaseless arguments and oaths of Dutchmen who were 
 boarding pig-iron just over my berth. The sleepless night 
 was a very bad foundation for the eight hours of mal de mer 
 which followed. A sensation of utter desolation and terror 
 of I knew not what began to possess me soon after we left the 
 Thames, but, before long, my mind, or rather my body, was 
 enlightened. Realization having replaced fear, I became the 
 most abject of mortals, and gave myself up to the luxury of 
 
OXFORD AND DRESDEN 81 
 
 misery. It grew dark, bufc I never changed the place I had 
 occupied since our start that morning, until the steward came 
 and assured me in broken English that the other three 
 passengers slept as peacefully as new-born babes down below. 
 Every other nostrum had failed, why not try sleep ? I arose 
 and stumbled down narrow brass-bound stairs, the first stairs 
 I ever remember that mocked me by coming up of their own 
 accord to meet my feet. Like Romeo's apothecary that Dutch- 
 man spake truth. It was peaceful down there in that atmo- 
 sphere of pea-soup, but no hounds ever took up the music 
 so readily as did my unseen fellow-passengers when I, as I 
 promptly did, gave tongue. They were still in full cry when, 
 under a shower of execrations and dragging a sheet in my 
 wake, I struggled up those restless stairs and sank into a sort 
 of shed in the bows where the wind fanned my brow, and 
 within easy distance of the boat-side, which I visited with 
 unswerving regularity every quarter of the eight unhappy 
 hours I spent there ; and it was a little before dawn, when 
 the words " Mein Gott," uttered in a hoarse, terrified voice, 
 broke in upon my benumbed consciousness. " Mein Gott, ein 
 spenster," it said again, and then I realized that a sailor had 
 mistaken my unfortunate person, enveloped in a sheet, for a 
 spectre in its shroud. 
 
 Alas ! his fright soon evaporated ; he coveted my treasured 
 seat, and, in trying to share it, literally sat upon me, his 
 superior weight forcing mine to the ground, where I remained, 
 being too utterly ravaged by my boat-side experiences to make 
 any demur against such treatment, and my head sank heavily 
 against his knees, which, encased in trousers caked with tar- 
 grease and a miscellany of dirt, were not the resting-place I 
 would have chosen for it, nevertheless no child ever rested 
 more gratefully against its mother's breast. At dawn, three 
 more choice spirits joined him, and they breakfasted on new 
 potatoes swimming in melted butter, which were chased, 
 captured, and finally conveyed to their mouths by fingers 
 which had long lost any semblance of their original colour. 
 The wailing of the unhappy cattle was the comhle to my 
 misery. Unlike Samuel, I did not ask, " What meaneth then 
 this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the 
 oxen which I hear," for did I not know but too well ? Eventu- 
 ally I found myself in the train ; how I got there, I cannot now 
 
32 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 imagine, but, having compassed the feat in question, I slept 
 heavily for eight hours, using the shoulder of my neighbour on 
 either side as a cushion. Personally, I should have been quite 
 content with one shoulder, but, as neither of them appreciated 
 the burden of my head, it was tossed from one to the other 
 like a tennis ball, until, finding how unshaken it was in its 
 resolve to rest somewhere, they took it in turn to share the 
 infliction. 
 
 " Be sure you change at Minden " — I was thus adjured by a 
 Russian, who toyed playfully with a scimitar, which I have 
 reason to believe was only a paper knife ; " never mind if you 
 are booked through, drag your luggage out." Arrived at 
 Minden I followed his advice, where I sat upon my port- 
 manteau; the weary centre of a ring of blue-clad porters, 
 smoking huge pipes, one of whom, finally, fetched a magnificent 
 personage with epaulettes and a sword, who bore a strange 
 resemblance to Sir Colin Campbell, but who, I afterwards 
 discovered, was the station-master. He was evidently re- 
 nowned for his skill in tackling foreigners, for the porters 
 stood around in obsequious admiration, while I was put 
 through the familiar process. Slowness of articulation was 
 apparently his theory as well as a judicious breaking of his 
 own language to meet the requirements of the infantile mind 
 of the foreigner. 
 
 *' Zer win — der — Bilt — zer — cronk — zer — Bilt — der — sare — 
 wole — Bilt " — is the jibberish his rising intonation conveyed to 
 my ears. Hopeless jibberish ! I had, however, picked up on 
 the journey one word of German, which seemed to me on 
 every one's lips, I afterwards thought it might have been 
 from money dealings, and, as it was my only card, I determined 
 to play it ; therefore when that glorious-looking creature, the 
 station-master, had come to an end, exhausted with tremend- 
 ous emphasis, I promptly replied, " funf." ^ 
 
 This made his failure as Interpreter only too apparent to his 
 admiring subordinates, his rage being proportionately greater, 
 and when he abandoned the word of two syllables to make use 
 of a wider vocabulary, it sounded as if the concentrated 
 essence of Teutonic hatred for the British nation descended 
 
 1 1 did not then know the meaning of this word as I did afterwards, 
 when "funf," as a result of this episode, became my nickname at 
 Dresden. 
 
OXFORD AND DRESDEN 83 
 
 in a volley on my individual and unoffending head. An 
 interval of four hours passed between the departure of the 
 vituperative station king and the arrival of a polyglot waiter. 
 French, had I known any, would have helped me, and I passed 
 that dismal interval in recalling to my mind the pranks we 
 had played on our French master at school, our favourite 
 game having been to imperceptibly advance chairs and tables 
 towards the corner of the room he occupied until we had 
 securely penned him in. On one such occasion, I remember 
 well Dr Hessey's coming into the door we had Jeft so far 
 behind us, gazing angrily at the empty space and singling me 
 out for a thrashing. Why, I reflected sadly, had they not 
 thrashed me more often, I might then have acquired enough 
 French to get across Germany without experiencing this 
 horrible delay. These improving thoughts were broken in 
 upon, however, by a deliverer in the shape of the ployglot 
 waiter, who began briskly in his own language — 
 
 " Sprechen Sie Deutsch." 
 
 I shook my head. " Parlez-vous Frangais." I still shook 
 it, this time more despondently. 
 
 " Do yer speek Eengleeshch ? " 
 
 My eyes filled with tears, I grasped his hand in gratitude, 
 while he informed me that to have broken my luggage-ticket 
 almost amounted to a crime ; Hinc illce lachrymce ! Having 
 rectified my mistake and thanked the heavens that luggage- 
 tickets did not exist in England, I was allowed to proceed on 
 my way. 
 
 Was it the glamour of youth that invested those two un- 
 forgettable months we spent at Dresden with such radiance ? 
 Those open-air concerts ! it seems to me that I have never 
 heard such music since, and the opera, where, for the modest 
 sum of half a crown, the best seats in the house were at one's 
 disposal, and that gallery where one wandered for hours 
 revelling in the magical atmosphere of genius and realizing 
 the imperishable trail of choice spirits long since departed, 
 whose legacies to posterity refuse to support Mark Anthony's 
 statement that " The good men do is oft interred with their 
 bones." " L' enfant Prodigue," by Leonardo da Vinci, 
 intrigued Lord Francis and myself not a little. " Why " 
 — we asked at our pension during dinner, after our first 
 acquaintance with it, amid an outburst of unrestrained 
 
84 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 merriment, " Why had a picture called, ' The Infant prodigy,' 
 no infant in it ? ' Oh ! '" we ejaculated in subdued accents 
 on being told that it was ' The Prodigal Son.' " 
 
 Ah ! they were good times, old friends, I would they could 
 come again. Another day I asked a fat bewigged German 
 Baroness, an old campaigner at the table d'hote, if she would 
 pass the cherries, at least that was what I intended to say. 
 It appears, however, that instead of " Wollen Sie mir die 
 Kirschen geben ? " I said, " Wollen Sie mich ein kuss 
 geben ? " " Will you give me a kiss ? " to which she im- 
 mediately responded, " Ja wohl ! " in accents which were 
 audible in the street outside. 
 
 What vigorous lives those Teutons live, and how intoxicating 
 is an atmosphere created by a happy blend of play and work, 
 for as a race they seem to possess not only la joie de vivre, but 
 that still rarer gift, " the joy of the intellect." 
 
 Some years later, during a January sledge drive over the 
 pass of Mont Cenis in company with the late Lord Bantry, 
 then Viscount Berehaven, I made a linguistic mistake, as 
 comic, if not more so, than those already mentioned. With 
 the aid of some borrowed skates, rusty ones, and our rug straps, 
 we skated on the lake near the Hospice. The trout, visibly 
 darting about under the glassy sheet of rich brown ice, 
 delicately cupped by the snow-clad heights which shimmered 
 in the cool but marvellously brilliant sun, were still fresh in 
 our memory when we called on the monks who, in French, 
 politely asked us to join them at Messe. 
 
 Despite my companion's admonishing kick beneath the 
 table, I refused their invitation in the following execrable 
 French. " Merci bien mais nous avons deja dine a I'auberge 
 pres du lac." 
 
 My return from Dresden was as little agreeable as my 
 journey thither had been. At one station we had a wait 
 of three minutes which I overstayed, returning just in time 
 to see the train, containing my luggage, glide like a dream 
 beyond my sight. I pursued it with the ardour of a lover, 
 but unfortunately a very slow train is not the best vehicle 
 of expression for such zeal as possessed me. At each 
 station (and the train stopped at all) I alighted — repeating 
 loudly and earnestly the first clause only ("Ich bin hier") 
 out of the three which a dictionary scramble in the train 
 
OXFORD AND DRESDEN 85 
 
 had enabled me to put together — ("/cA bin hier, mein 
 baggage nicht hier — Ich hitte sagen wo ist mein baggage ") — for 
 be it understood that my immersion in Greek philosophy 
 at Dresden had left me no time for the German language, 
 and tenses and moods being quite beyond my powers, I 
 had to return to the simplicity of a savage ; but the shortness 
 of the time so affected my memory that before I could pull 
 myself together enough to recollect the other two sentences, 
 an official (naturally misunderstanding my vain repetition) 
 would roughly push me back into my compartment, deter- 
 mined that so dangerous a lunatic should not disturb the peace 
 of his little world. At last, however, by a supreme effort, T 
 managed to ask the whole of the riddle I was so anxious to 
 have solved, and a delighted smile of comprehension lit 
 up the hitherto clouded features of my audience. With 
 ^tteral zest they assured me that it was quite safe, and that 
 if I behaved well and did as they bade me, that we, I and 
 the luggage, would meet again some day — " Siebenuhr," 
 they repeated many times, meaning a place — and, of course, 
 I took it for a time (7 o'clock) which produced further 
 complications. When, however, I at last beheld it, imprisoned 
 in an iron cage, my relief was immense, and I felt like Mrs 
 Micawber, determined that nothing should part us again. 
 Having missed the boat, I was obliged to put up at the hotel, 
 but being short of money, decided to dock dinner and 
 breakfast, and forage economically for myself elsewhere. 
 Elsewhere took the form of a shop filled with strange 
 merchandize, and still stranger smells, where I purchased some 
 cheap Dutch sausage, and having devoured it ravenously 
 and in haste, began to repent almost immediately and at 
 leisure, I was able to sympathize with the Frenchman on 
 board ship, who, when asked if he had breakfasted, replied, 
 " Au contraire ! " 
 
 I once more laid myself on the altar of that merciless 
 vanquisher, mal-de-mer, having first compared notes with 
 one who had slept at my hotel, when we discovered that the 
 items of our respective bills were identical, although he had 
 fared sumptuously, and I had eaten Dutch sausage in lieu 
 of dinner and breakfast. To fill my cup of sorrow to the brim 
 I left my rug on the hotel bed, and had to travel not only 
 famished, but cold. Never were the words of Juvenal 
 
36 OXFORD AND DRESDEN 
 
 brought home to me more forcibly than when I landed at 
 Harwich, hungry, shivering and blue, a fit object to keep the 
 farmers' crops intact. 
 
 " Nil habet infelix paupertas, durius in se 
 Quan quod ridiculos homines facit." ^ 
 
 1 " Grim poverty is then most hard to bear 
 When it exposes men to ridicule." 
 
CHAPTER V 
 
 LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 
 
 Thirty-five years ago, in my official infancy, the methods 
 of Inspectorship were very different from what they are now. 
 
 The Inspector gave notice of his approaching advent 
 on a certain date, and for weeks beforehand the children 
 were stuffed and almost roasted — (no wonder they resembled 
 trussed fowls) — the mistress had sleepless nights, the parson 
 and the squire of the village were in a flutter of anxiety, 
 for so much depended at that time on the verdict of Her 
 Majesty's Inspector. 
 
 Woe betide the official himself if he kept the school waiting, 
 for each succeeding ten minutes made the mistress more 
 hysterical, the children more nervous ; and if the minutes ex- 
 tended to hours, the parson and the squire became likewise 
 infected by the malaise which reigned on such occasions, while 
 newspaper articles and complaints to headquarters would 
 probably help to curtail H.M.I. 's career in consequence of 
 such delays. 
 
 Now there are two schools in the Wigan district almost 
 identical in name, but eight miles apart, and one morning I 
 arrived punctually at the wrong one. 
 
 The conveyance which had brought me thither had departed 
 before I discovered my mistake. Those were not the days 
 of motor-cars, and, as I stared gloomily at the landscape, there 
 was not even a donkey-cart in sight. 
 
 After a short interval spent, on my part, in pessimistic 
 conjectures and in efforts to pierce the horizon with my eye, 
 I espied, about a mile away, an extraordinary-looking vehicle. 
 
 As it approached, I saw it was a narrow, black, and gener- 
 ally cruciform shaped construction, a sort of miniature 
 transept dividing the driver's lofty seat from a species of 
 closed wagonette in the rear. 
 
 87 
 
88 LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 
 
 The transept I afterwards discovered to be a case for a 
 coffin. 
 
 As it came up to me, I first examined the rear where a 
 closed window revealed six females with six handkerchiefs, 
 each of whom uncovered one red eye to regard me curiously 
 for the fraction of a minute before reburying it in the hand- 
 kerchief again. 
 
 As they evinced no further interest in my intrusion, and 
 gave no other sign of vitality, I ran forward to parley with 
 the driver who would not for a second interrupt the jog-trot 
 at which his horses were going. 
 
 Persuasion in the form of money induced him to let me 
 mount the box and share a seat built for one, on the condition 
 that I appeared to mourn. 
 
 I immediately whipped out a capacious handkerchief and 
 imitated the ladies in the wagonette behind with such realism 
 that he modified the condition by informing me that the 
 personation need only take place when houses were about. 
 
 In the non-mourning intervals I had leisure to observe 
 the weather-beaten face of the driver, and remarked that 
 it looked as anxious as I felt. It was, he told me, the first 
 time he had travelled that road with a shillibeer, for such 
 was the name of this grim contrivance, and he had, in direct 
 opposition to his employers' orders, risked a short cut, itself 
 cut by an iron drawbridge over a canal, at the sixth of the 
 eight miles he had to travel. 
 
 It was currently believed that the transept would be just 
 too wide to pass through, and with every succeeding mile 
 his nervous tension became more apparent, until at last his 
 funereal solemnity gave entire place to it, and even when 
 houses were thickest and my face, according to agreement, 
 buried in the necessary handkerchief, his mutterings were 
 quite audible. 
 
 " If it breaks off at the end I'm a ruined man, and if I 
 turn back it'll be hours late." 
 
 He was indeed between the devil and the deep sea, for 
 if he turned back, his dismissal was as certain as if the coffin 
 were injured, for such a breach of punctuality on so grave an 
 occasion would cause a scandal his employers would never 
 forgive. 
 
 At length the bridge hove in eight, and my own no small 
 
LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 39 
 
 anxiety, on somewhat similar lines to his, was for the time 
 forgotten in the excitement of watching the solution of his 
 problem. It did not look as if he could possibly do it ; the 
 shillibeer and the bridge presented a problem of the most 
 painful kind, usually met with in nightmares only, where the 
 difficulty is generally waived by the sleeper awaking. 
 
 We crossed the bridge by a hair's-breadth, however, and 
 for a moment the driver, and he is to be excused, forgot his 
 role of mourner, while I was landed jubilant at my destination. 
 
 My reception was not cordial. I was two hours late, and 
 my arrival in that sinister conveyance had been observed. 
 
 Current in most English villages is the old heathen tradi- 
 tion of a black coach driving through the night, which he 
 or she who meets must die. A story had been going 
 round of a certain child whose opinion of a ghost story, a 
 very much diluted one, in a school-reader, I had tried^to 
 elicit. 
 
 " What is a spectre," I had asked, but the awe-stricken 
 child would for some time give no reply, until at last, under 
 pressure, I received the answer, " One as comes round to 
 examine." 
 
 Subsequently it transpired, to the delight of the listening 
 rector, that this unfortunate child imagined that the inspector 
 passed his nights among the tombs, whence he issued in the 
 daylight enveloped in a mist of blue schedules, on which 
 her name would be engraved for her eternal weal or woe. 
 
 About the same time there had been a letter in the news- 
 paper written by a slovenly Irish schoolmaster, whom I 
 had attacked, which accused me of filling churchyards with 
 little green graves. 
 
 This had been crowned by the characteristic letter of a 
 newspaper correspondent which ran — " I do not know the 
 inspector, I have never met him, but if he is as bad as 
 he is painted — " upon which hypothesis his pen went to 
 work until colour was submerged in ink. 
 
 With these unfortunate rumours of my own unfortunate 
 self '* vires " acquiring " eundo," one can imagine how an air 
 of reality was lent them by my arrival in a shillibeer. 
 
 That morning was like a long and painful visit to a 
 dentist, to be followed by a longer and more painful bill — 
 the i.*eport. 
 
40 LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 
 
 Those schedule days are over, and everyone may be thankful 
 for that ; but the fact is, that not only comparisons, but those 
 whose duty it is to make them, must always be more or less 
 odious. A man looks at a church, but does not see it until 
 he has looked at a variety of churches, just as an inspector 
 does not visit one school, but many, which makes all the 
 difference in his power of vision. 
 
 Another example of the effects of the schedule system on 
 the teachers' nerves occurs to me this time in Suffolk. 
 
 It was with no ordinary sense of the importance of the 
 occasion that I started for the village immortalized in " David 
 Copperfield," hard by the beautiful Somerleyton Hall, which 
 rose like a swan- song when Sir Morton Peto fell, and is said 
 to have run Sandringham very close in the competition for 
 the choice of a residence for H.M. the late King. 
 
 The reason of my anxiety being exceptional was that 
 the rector's brother, an important official in the Education 
 Department, might be influenced by the report he might get 
 of me first hand at headquarters. I hoped sincerely that 
 I might acquit myself successfully in my role of inspector, 
 and trusted that no unpleasant hitches would occur during 
 my visit. 
 
 My youthful mind occupied itself very seriously with the 
 question of whether to wear a black or a white tie at dinner 
 that evening at the rectory, and decided that I was to arrive 
 three minutes early rather than late at the school on the 
 following morning. 
 
 It was an instance of Greek meeting Greek. Just as I 
 had thought every question out carefully beforehand, and was 
 preoccupied with my own zest, so the mistress had primed her 
 pupils for weeks previously to my advent, which she now 
 awaited with nervous apprehension. She was intensely alive 
 to the danger of a new Pharaoh under the schedule system, 
 that Juggernaut then being at the height of its popularity. 
 
 It may be imagined that the meeting of two such over- 
 wrought neophytes, each supreme in its own power, however 
 small in the world's eye, was by no means unattended with 
 danger. The young woman was tall and of a quite 
 uncommon beauty, but she possessed what is usually rare 
 in one of her class, great self-restraint and a dignified 
 reserve of manner. 
 
LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 41 
 
 Nothing was more trying in those terrible days of individual 
 examination than the close proximity of a manager or teacher, 
 who, with intermittent remarks, would interrupt the un- 
 fortunate H.M.I, in the following manner : — 
 
 " That child's grandmother had fits." 
 
 " This boy's aunt's mother died in a lunatic asylum." 
 
 " That scholar's mother had a shock before she was born." 
 
 " This boy knows it, it's only nervousness." 
 
 *' This child wouldn't have been twelve to-day if you had 
 come the day before yesterday." 
 
 When a child in answering a question had spluttered for 
 some seconds between each word, the gratuitous informa- 
 tion, " This child stammers," was generally forthcoming. 
 
 However, on the day in question I cleared myself of all 
 such encumbrances by reminding the managers that when one 
 is fishing a number of people is apt to frighten the fish away. 
 
 The dignified figure of the mistress constituted our sole 
 audience ; and a grave silence was maintained by her." 
 
 In less than half an hour the children, like a mirror, had 
 reflected the excellence of her work ; scholar after scholar I 
 waved aside with murmurs of satisfaction, and told myself 
 that it was going to be one of those delightful mornings dear 
 to the H.M.I, whose heart is in his work. 
 
 A sudden thud interrupted my absorption in Standard III., 
 and, turning, I perceived a sea of small frightened faces eyeing 
 me with startled horror and inquiry, while on the floor a 
 pair of legs, encased in somewhat dirty white stockings, 
 protruded from under the teacher's desk. Her fall had been 
 more like the collapse of a tree than that of a human being, 
 and there were no half measures about the way in which her 
 head came in contact with the floor. 
 
 She had not only mistaken my grim relish for the 
 Mephistolean smiles of an adverse critic, but had imagined 
 that I was failing each of her pupils in turn. 
 
 Her last year's record of cent, per cent, of passes, and the 
 recent three weeks of strain to reproduce it, had been too much 
 for her. Would that I had perceived it sooner ; as it was, I 
 continued my work mechanically, as if to say, " it is nothing," 
 for much depended on my keeping calm ; but never did a man's 
 inner consciousness more feebly support a counterfeit of 
 external composure. 
 
42 LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 
 
 The pupil-teachers rushed to her assistance and half-lifted, 
 half-dragged her from the room, but before anything approach- 
 ing calm had descended on the children's ruffled minds, the 
 door was thrown violently open and a diminutive man, in an 
 ill-cut frock-coat with baggy trousers of a funereal hue, rushed 
 into our midst. " You have killed her ! You have killed 
 her ! " he shouted ; and, indeed, I began to wonder if I had. 
 The children, their faces looking like rows of wind- cuffed 
 flowers, turned a wide-eyed, terrified gaze on the ogre, who, 
 in my person, stood before them. 
 
 That last dreadful hour punctuated every ten minutes 
 by her father's violent incursions into our midst, he uttering 
 always precisely the same four words, " You have killed 
 her," set me wondering as to the possible advent of the police, 
 the exact moment and manner of it, to put the finishing touch 
 on the scene. But his final inroad was the worst. " She 
 is dead," he declaimed dramatically. " I am a reporter, and 
 if I have to bear the torch with my own hand, this crime 
 shall be in people's mouths from one end of Britain to the 
 other." 
 
 Small and even comic details mock us in moments of 
 supreme anxiety, and I, worried as I was, could not help 
 wondering whether those trousers, which seemed to crease 
 as if there were no knees inside, could possibly conceal powers 
 of perambulation equal to that herculean task. I proceeded 
 mechanically with the examinations, seeing in fancy on the 
 wall opposite, not " Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin," but an 
 enormous placard whose counterpart I felt certain would be 
 all over England on the morrow, and which read like this — 
 
 "FATAL RESULTS OF A SCHOOL INSPECTION. 
 
 Brutal Official. 
 
 Distracted Parent." 
 
 At the rectory, where the news had preceded me, the rector 
 did not join us at lunch ; for, he having recently had a 
 stroke of paralysis, they feared the shock that the story of so 
 unfortunate an occurrence might give him. 
 
 The perturbed faces at the luncheon table received my 
 explanations with a " qui s'excuse s'accuse " expression, which 
 was the last straw on a mind that by this time had a hump 
 as large as any camel's, and I began to count the moments 
 
LANCASHIRE AND SUFFOLK 48 
 
 before I could get home, embrace my young wife, and prepare 
 for the worst. 
 
 It was not until the next day, after a sleepless night, that we 
 received the welcome news of the mistress' possible recovery. 
 The relief ! "He jests at scars, who never felt a wound" ; 
 but I afterwards received letters from the young woman 
 and her father, very fully and penitently apologizing for 
 their foolishness, which had been caused, they said, by 
 misapprehension. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 LOWESTOFT 
 
 Oh Lowestoft! Your pier bathed in an atmosphere of 
 delicious summer dreaminess, the distant music of a band, 
 the sunlit red-brown sails of trawlers, your harbour's sleeping 
 water which flanks you, oh you fisherman's Venice, on the 
 one side ; while on the other, the masts of many boats and 
 ships wing the air, and such air, and the towering pinnacles of 
 hotels, presenting to the imaginative eye the illusion of fairy 
 palaces, all these, and much besides, start one wondering why 
 the crowds that flock each summer to your shores are not even 
 yet more dense than they are — like those of comparatively 
 languid southern watering-places. 
 
 Queen ! To whom I, in striving to save your beautiful 
 children from two evils, which might almost be called partial 
 suffocation by land and total suffocation by water, have, in 
 my small way, given " of my life," as the poet Swinburne 
 did to Mary Queen of Scots, when he wrote : — 
 
 " Queen, once of Scots, but ever of ours, 
 Whose sires brought forth for you 
 Their lives to strew your path Hke flowers." 
 
 And, by the way, the chief of those sires was more directly 
 mine than his. 
 
 Even her rival, Yarmouth, must yield Lowestoft at least one 
 point. 
 
 Lowestoft's pleasure stream flows through its thriving 
 industry. At Yarmouth, its work is from its pleasure, " a 
 thing apart " ; and what peace those still, cool Lowestoft 
 harbour waters, with their smooth-gliding craft, can speak ! 
 
 Even Dickens, who immortalized Yarmouth, used to stay 
 at Somerleyton Hall with Sir Morton Peto, whose love for the 
 neighbouring Lowestoft brought even that millionaire to 
 ruin. 
 
 44 
 
LOWESTOFT 45 
 
 And yet, let not advancing years be mistaken for dis- 
 loyalty, if, as I step over pavements where signs of feminine 
 vanity may be found, even as early as June, I miss the softer 
 carpeted Thorpe, near Leiston. The maram grasses there, by 
 wooing the restless sand to the stability of stronger soil, convey 
 a more wholesome lesson on the racket of modern life ; while 
 the rest-harrow and bed-straw, whose very names breathe 
 truest recreation, as they hotly under one's feet convert 
 shifting barrenness to scented pleasure for others, whisper 
 a sovereign remedy for the heartlessness that must at times 
 be met with in a world where the only unchanging thing 
 seems to be change — fickleness too often treading heavily 
 on former friends. Sweet, lowly Thorpe ! What strand can 
 better teach mankind — 
 
 " To weigh against a grain of sand the glories of a throne." 
 
 The potency of Lowestoft air is best seen in the physique 
 of the men. 
 
 Mr Gladstone, when staying at Gorton with Mr Golman, 
 who should not by the way allow that palatial residence of his 
 to resemble so curiously a cruet-stand, was very much 
 struck by their height and corresponding breadth of stature. 
 " I shuddered," said he, " to think that the autumn days 
 were drawing in so rapidly, until I discovered that this twilight 
 was but the shadow of a man walking in front of me." 
 
 There was rather an amusing story told at one time by a 
 friend of Mrs Gladstone concerning Mr Gladstone's night- 
 shirt, in which he used, it seems, to tie knots that he might 
 remember points for his speech. Handkerchiefs we know 
 frequently serve such a purpose, but a night-shirt thus 
 turned to account is a distinctly novel idea. 
 
 At the time of the Irish Church Bill, his own not being 
 voluminous enough to accommodate the number of points, 
 namely knots, of which his speech had need, his wife's night- 
 dress was brought into requisition, when, as she told her friend, 
 she thought it was high time to send for the doctor, so many 
 knots being an outward and visible sign of an inward and too 
 rapid mental pace. 
 
 Nowhere has there been a fiercer fight to maintain the 
 voluntary system of schools than at Lowestoft. 
 
46 LOWESTOFT 
 
 In a memorandum designed to stay the hand of the Board 
 of Education, I pleaded for this town, as viewed from the 
 school point of view, explaining that the Erosion and the 
 Hibernation from which it suffers, impoverish it yearly, while 
 clumsy methods in the case of the former, and popiilar prejudice 
 in the case of the latter, do not help to mend matters. 
 
 If people knew how mild the winters on this lightland-strip, 
 within sight and sound of the sea, really are, it would be 
 equally popular as a winter as it is as a summer residence and 
 resort. 
 
 Alas ! Moses' experience with the Hebrews has had frequent 
 reproductions right down to this present age. I tried hard to 
 help the people, suggesting comparatively trivial reforms to 
 secure the permanence of their schools, but they would not 
 listen to me. " Wilt thou slay us as thou didst the Egyptians 
 (Ipswich) ? " was the tenor of their protest, which resulted in a 
 magical transformation of Black Holes of Calcutta into 
 Nabob's palaces, huge towering board-school structures, 
 followed, however, by the paralysis usually attendant on the 
 thrusting of municipal hands into other people's pockets. 
 
 At the Kev. 's, by Lowestoft, whose rectory was built 
 
 on a cliff, I have spent many delightful hours in a low-ceilinged, 
 bay-windowed guest chamber overhanging the sea, where, 
 save for the lack of motion, one could imagine oneself in the 
 cabin of a ship, but which, alas, since then has been swallowed 
 by the syren waves that lullabied so sweetly through the night 
 and enchanted one's eyes by day. 
 
 The rector who, some forty years before the time of which 
 I write, had joined the Agapemone, a curious sect, which dis- 
 solved within a year of its formation, but has since, I believe, 
 recrystallized, had carried off from the midst of the Agape- 
 monites as his wife, a lady, twenty years his senior, but 
 blessed with affluence, when we imagine the affection ceased 
 to be platonic. 
 
 The voluntary schools were in the throes of their death 
 struggle when I appeared on the scene, and false rumour, the 
 forerunner of reasonable reform, had of course preceded me ; 
 and, on my arrival, I found the master of the house, a stalwart 
 Welshman, his aged wife, and a novel kind of tame cat in the 
 shape of an evangelist, whose red, foxy face, full of angry spots, 
 did not prepossess one in his favour. It so happened that, 
 
LOWESTOFT 47 
 
 having been introduced with preternatural pomp and 
 ceremony as Her Majesty's Inspector — a title which in this 
 and other cases had been often wrongly conferred on 
 assistants and sub-inspectors — the old lady did not know 
 my name. Their obvious anxiety to please was very comic 
 and would have flattered my amour propre had I not been 
 aware that a matter of £300 depended on my visit. 
 
 All went well until we reached the dining-room where, after 
 the long grace delivered by the rector, and listened to with 
 almost audible appreciation by the evangelist, the old lady, 
 who, although blind, had retained her other faculties to a 
 marvellous degree, passed her right hand over my face slowly 
 from my forehead down to my chin, exclaiming with 
 enthusiasm, " Oh, it's Mr Ainsworth after all : not that horrid 
 Mr Swinburne ! I am so glad." Now Mr Ainsworth was at 
 that time my assistant, whose name had been used by the 
 newspapers as the necessary foil to the darkness of my 
 deeds. The rector's face became livid with rage, and, but 
 for the presence of the evangelist and H.M.I., his wife, I 
 fancy, would have spent a mauvais quart d'heure. As it 
 was, he banged his fist on the table until the glasses danced, 
 declaring he would wash his hands of everything for " if a 
 man's own household, etc., what could that man do ? " 
 
 The poor old lady, who had been worked upon by her 
 husband and the evangelist to believe that Antichrist had 
 come, I being his representative, collapsed entirely, and the 
 sight of her trouble would have touched a harder heart than 
 mine. I talked myself hoarse to cover her retreat, explaining 
 that Providence alone could have vouchsafed the aforegoing 
 accident, which would impell me to let the scales turn as far as 
 possible in their favour, whatever my own private prejudices 
 might happen to be. 
 
 The evangelist, however, interrupted me with fact and 
 question. 
 
 " You are husky, sir-r-r ! Are you often so ? Take 
 Carre," he warned me, instancing forthwith several cases of 
 huskiness which had been followed by a subsequent and 
 speedy dissolution of mind and body, and I strongly suspect 
 that his wish was father to this thought. 
 
 In passing all the small but amusing events in review 
 which occurred during my stay with these worthy people, 
 
48 LOWESTOFT 
 
 family prayers, or rather their method of conducting them, 
 certainly win an easy first. 
 
 When England, Lowestoft, Germany, and the adjoining 
 parish, which, being ritualistic, had in their opinion great 
 need of intercession on its behalf, had been disposed of, I 
 suddenly awoke to the startling fact that I was the subject, 
 or rather the pihce de resistance, of their prayers, and 
 furthermore, during the hymn, " For you I am praying," 
 which concluded this novel form of family prayers, all eyes, 
 and especially the evangelist's, were fixed on me; but the 
 middle-aged cook, the possessor of a really beautiful voice, 
 exhibited a fervour and devotion that would have set a revival 
 meeting into full hysterical swing. 
 
 Some years later, on her mistress' death, she disappeared, 
 and with her disappeared much of the silver and all the old 
 lady's linen. 
 
CHAPTER VII 
 
 THE CLERGY 
 
 Immediately after my appointment I was married by 
 Bishop Mackemess to Miss Blomfield, the only daughter 
 of the late Rev. J. C. Blomfield, Hon. Canon of Christ Church, 
 Oxford. On leaving Oxford my friends and pupils, amongst 
 whom were Lord Warwick, G. Baird, J. Baird, the Hon. 
 Sydney Herbert, H. W. Campbell, J. Hanbury, Reginald 
 Brooke, and H. W. Kemble, had given me as a parting gift 
 some plate and a dressing-bag. The size of the crest on the 
 fittings of the bag amused Bishop Mackerness, who wondered 
 if the country rectories where I should sleep, when fulfilling 
 my duties as H.M.I. , would be large enough to contain it. 
 
 After the honeymoon we settled at Wigan in Lancashire, 
 where we stayed four years, until leave for my removal to 
 Suffolk was kindly granted on account of my wife's health. 
 
 A very terrible colliery explosion I witnessed in June 1878 
 impressed me so much that I wrote an account of it to the 
 Times. There are many living who probably remember 
 the tragedy in question, or may be interested to have it 
 recalled to their memory : — 
 
 " At a time when the riotous behaviour of some of the men 
 of Lancashire has shocked the community, I cannot resist 
 calling the attention of your readers to points of character 
 of a far more encouraging description which I saw in the 
 crowd around the pit's mouth on Friday evening last. 
 
 ** It was about three hours after the 30 volunteers went 
 down. A single constable had no difficulty in keeping back 
 at a distance of some 20 yards from the mouth of the pit a 
 dense crowd, silent, motionless, and respectful. For those 
 coming and going to and from the pit a way was as easily 
 made, which closed up so compactly again as to cause wonder 
 how it was ever made. Not a sound, not a murmur from 
 
50 THE CLERGY 
 
 that sea of white, upturned faces ; something of resignation, 
 something of despair in the bulk of them, and bloodshot eyes 
 and haggard cheeks telling the story of their mute lips. 
 Could it be fear that paralysed them into such rigid govern- 
 ment of feelings — such stern determination to cause no con- 
 fusion or interruption among the little group round the 
 pit-mouth, such discipline, such reverence for authority, 
 and withal a gentleness and kindness that, coming from 
 their sorrow-stricken faces, wrung one's heart to see ? Was 
 it a panic's spell that bound them there hour after hour, 
 without an attempt to burst through and see for themselves 
 what could be done for their brothers, husbands, sons, or 
 fathers in that pit ? No. There was little of terror in the 
 fierce eagerness of the roar that thundered from a hundred 
 deep throats or the yearning desire of a hundred outstretched 
 hands, as though it was the one darling wish of their lives 
 when a request was made for volunteers to fill the places 
 of those who were being carted away, through their midst, 
 insensible. 
 
 " All this and much besides — especially the respectful dignity 
 with which the men stepped into their places in the cage 
 to be lowered — must have been seen to realize with what a 
 majesty these colliers face a cold-blooded death in living 
 tombs. 
 
 " Alas ! one had not ridden four miles from the scene before 
 it became manifest that the appalling news had swept through 
 the country and left it almost indifferent. The pigeon, the 
 dog, the drinking and swearing had already resumed their 
 sway, and the bitter reflection suggested itself, What a people 
 this might be if the crust of short-sighted folly and ignorance 
 could be broken through and the latent splendour of their 
 character brought to light ! " 
 
 A few days later I was surprised to see, under the heading 
 — ** Lord Derby and Bishop Fraser on the Disaster " — my 
 own name in the Times, and found that at a meeting 
 attended by Lord Derby, with Bishop Fraser in the chair, 
 the latter, in speaking of the disaster, had quoted my letter 
 in the following words : — 
 
 " I say that, because yesterday I was reading a touching 
 letter in the Times newspaper by Mr Swinburne, in which 
 
THE CLERGY 51 
 
 he described the scene at the pit's mouth, the orderly conduct 
 of the men and women, and the devoted courage of those 
 who volunteered to go into the pit ; and then, he says, it is 
 a sad thing, going four miles away from the scene, to find 
 the population as indifferent, with their pigeons and dogs, 
 and with their drinking and swearing, as if nothing of the 
 kind had happened. We lament that, and justly, and we 
 should be wrong if we did not do everything we can to bring 
 about a better state of things — less drinking and swearing 
 and gambling ; for I don't care so much about the pigeons 
 and dogs as about the gambling associated with them. I 
 don't think the love of an animal, whether a bird or a quad- 
 ruped, is altogether an unfavourable feature in a coUier's 
 character, or in any other man's character." 
 
 And the Rev. H. Siddall wrote : — 
 
 " Well were some of their duties described last Tuesday 
 by Mr Swinburne in words to him (the preacher) and in a 
 letter to the Times newspaper, which had been copied into 
 the local papers." 
 
 The illiterate and the governed classes are often accused 
 of unpunctuality and of an inability to keep to the subject 
 in hand. Whenever such accusations are made, remembering 
 a certain bishop who was by no means illiterate, and who 
 would never have agreed to the fact that he himself was 
 governed, and governed with the unswerving sway of Home 
 Rule, I am tempted to smile. On one occasion, when intro- 
 ducing a deputation, he took up three-quarters of the hour 
 allotted to that person whom people had come from miles 
 to hear. Though hackneyed, the sailor's rebuke to prolixity 
 will always point a moral if it cannot adorn a tale. 
 
 The subject is General Gordon, and the preacher, leaning 
 well over his pulpit as he gazes at his audience on the right, 
 inquires sepulchrally, " Shall we place him among the arch- 
 angels mibretheren ? " 
 
 "No, we will not place him among the archangels." 
 
 Then turning to his congregation on the left, " Shall we 
 place him among the angels ? " 
 
 " No, we will not place him among the angels." 
 
 " Shall we place him among " 
 
52 THE CLERGY 
 
 " He can have my place — I'm — going," remarks a sailor 
 in the front pew, suiting his action to the words. 
 
 Mais revenons a nos moutons, or rather the bishop. I 
 myself once heard him speak at a school opening, and can 
 well imagine how the hour of that unfortunate deputation 
 was put to flight by the persistence of the episcopal tongue. 
 
 His lordship was there to speak on Education, but he 
 opened the meeting by referring to his sisters in Christ. 
 " My sisters in Christ, blessed with affluence, in my old parish," 
 he told us, always complimented him on one characteristic 
 — here a digression occurred, to contest the views expressed 
 by certain smiles among his audience, that the expression 
 "sisters in Christ" was open to objections. The next 
 digression went to prove that the opinion of his " sisters in 
 Christ blessed with affluence " curiously coincided with the 
 rougher material, not so blessed, to whom it had been his 
 privilege to minister in mining districts, and that characteristic 
 was — breathless anxiety on the part of his audience to hear 
 it — but several more digressions ensued before our curiosity 
 was allayed, and we learnt that his sisters in Christ always 
 complimented him on " going straight to the point," that 
 was to say to the root of the matter, and what was the matter 
 before them, why, " Education." 
 
 Education, he informed us, was a Latin word — yet one more 
 digression to prove the utility of the study of dead languages. 
 This digression became multiplied in the shape of reasons 
 why his audience, chiefly fisherfolk, should not be discouraged 
 if they did not understand Latin, and were not thus in a 
 position to be as accurate as his lordship, and to prove his 
 accuracy he proceeded to explain to them what that word 
 education meant. " Education comes from educo, a Latin 
 word meaning, I build up." i 
 
 Anent punctuality, the following story was related to me 
 
 * Educo means "I draw out"; instruction means "building up." 
 It was of this bishop that one of his leading clergymen remarked when 
 a conference had been convened to consider means to strengthen the 
 episcopal hands, "It's his head you want to strengthen." Such want 
 of scholarship almost makes one long for the learned classical moralist 
 bishops of the Georgian Apathy period — one of whom is said to have 
 remarked to a clergyman in his diocese, " Not a bad sermon — but 
 where on earth did you get that about our righteousness being 
 like ' filthy rags. ' I didn't like that at aU I " 
 
THE CLERGY 53 
 
 of a similar bishop who also never knew when to stop dis- 
 coursing, and could not realise that in speaking, as well as 
 generally, the best whisky can be spoilt by too much water. 
 
 He had a double engagement on the same afternoon, the 
 subsequent one being to meet the county at a garden party. 
 
 Carriage after carriage rolled up the long drive across 
 the park during the afternoon, but not one of them contained 
 a bishop. 
 
 At 6 P.M., however, the hostess rushed around informing 
 her guests that he had arrived. 
 
 " But when and how ? " they inquired. 
 
 " Oh, he came in by the back way on principle ! He 
 travels third on principle ! He'll be out in a few minutes 
 —do wait ! " 
 
 They waited in vain, for all that was seen and heard of 
 him was an arm shaking an evening shirt out of a window 
 that overlooked the terrace, and a loud voice — apparently 
 addressed to the hostess, " wants airing," for these were his 
 sole contribution to the gaiety of the afternoon. 
 
 The window and the incident were then closed, which 
 recalls the story of that unpunctual man, who, arriving late 
 at a meeting, was astonished to have his apologies confronted 
 with the accusation. 
 
 " You have robbed us of an hour of our time." 
 
 " An hour ! " he exclaimed indignantly, " but I'm only 
 five minutes late ! " 
 
 " There are twelve of us, and we've each lost five minutes,'* 
 was the incontrovertible reply. 
 
 But the poorest stick can carry flame, and one of the 
 strongest proofs of the truth of Christianity is its survival 
 of the well-meant efforts of some of its friends — especially 
 commentators. 
 
 I knew a bishop who at an advanced age had been, so to 
 speak, pitchforked into the purple by a premier who had 
 been prevailed upon by feminine entreaty — Non vi, sed 
 ssepe cadendo. Years after, when the air was warm with 
 the question, " When will our bishop retire," the said prelate 
 visited for the first time a well-known country rector, who 
 by his zeal and benevolence had won the hearts of his 
 parishioners. He had likewise spent very lavishly of his 
 private means on church and schools, and his garden, a 
 
54 THE CLERGY 
 
 wilderness when he came, now blossomed like the rose. 
 From his carriage window the bishop began, "Afraid I am 
 late — hate these family livings — you've a beautiful place 
 here. Don't you think it's time that another should enjoy 
 it, wouldn't it be better for your people ? " then abruptly — 
 
 " Married ? " 
 
 " No, my lord." 
 
 " Good, then let's go straight to the church." 
 
 It is curious to remark that the suggestion of retirement 
 was mooted by the bishop to a man who was twenty years 
 his jimior. 
 
 In the chancel, alone with the rector, his lordship prays 
 aloud. His companion's nerves become somewhat tran- 
 quillized as the prayer proceeds, until, by an unexpected 
 turn, it intimates that the time has come for " the Spirit of 
 the Lord to permit his brother to entertain the idea of making 
 way foi- a successor." 
 
 The rector, his ears snared, as it were, by the bishop's 
 tongue, listened in painful bewilderment until the words, 
 " And that not my brother only, but I too, should do my 
 duty," distracted him by the thought, " Now he's alluding 
 to his own retirement." However, the bishop continued, 
 " Put it into my heart to find him " 
 
 "Dear old chap," reflects the listener, "how I wronged 
 him, he wants to give me a better living still " — a reflection 
 cut short by the prayer's denouement — " to find him — as I 
 am bound to — A Good Successor ! " 
 
 The rector, whose chief crime in the bishop's eyes consisted 
 in the fact of his keeping a butler, determined after this to 
 keep not only the butler but his living as well. 
 
 It was the same prelate — as earnest, sincere, and devoted 
 a clergyman as ever breathed, but not, oh ! not a bishop — 
 who once told his congregation that England was " an island 
 entirely surrounded by water." I only wish there were 
 government inspectors of sermons and services. There is 
 an uproar if either show zeal in one direction ; but there is 
 no one to keep an eye on them when they err in the other 
 direction — and so " Slackers " escape scot free. 
 
 I remember listening to the discourse of one divine, which, 
 but for its undue length, was irreproachable — exhorting to 
 action rather than emotion — to behaviour in preference to 
 
THE CLERGY 55 
 
 theory. " Above all, I beseech you, my dear people, to control 
 the tongue ; " and then, like a thunderbolt from a cloudless 
 sky, " I see you, sir " (Was it me ? my hand had just stolen 
 in search of my watch) — " I have mine here " (regarding it) 
 ** and I end." And so also nearly did the pulpit stair and 
 chancel rail, neither of which had been built for the step and 
 hand of heavy men in heavy dudgeon. The risen congrega- 
 tion had only just warmed into " Bring forth the royal 
 diadem and kerrown er Him, kerrown er Him," etc., and 
 were finishing the first verse with an ascending rapture that 
 almost removed the roof, when from the chancel a stentorian 
 voice roared — " Last verse." 
 
 The revenge, a sudden inspiration, was immediately put 
 into action, and just as we had been docked of the closing 
 sentences of his sermon, so was the congregation deprived 
 of the last five verses of its hymn. Who at the end of a 
 hard day into which extra work had generously been put, 
 would not have felt, as the Suffolk folk say, " whuUy riled " 
 at so visible a lack of appreciation on the part of his audience. 
 
 A dangerous beginning for a fresh sentence from the mouth 
 of long-winded preachers are the words " And now." At the 
 Tower Church, where a weary congregation had been listening 
 to a deputation, who passed all limits in the matter of time, 
 the words " and now " used by him, as a pause to cover want 
 of breath, were seized upon by the rector, to liberate himself 
 and his parishioners from the thraldom of a voice under which 
 they had been for some time chafing. He sprang to his feet, 
 and promptly gave out the hymn, " Art thou weary, art thou 
 languid, art thou sore distrest ? " to the intense delight of 
 the congregation, whose dismay may be imagined when the 
 deputation, the final verse sung, returned to his sermon with 
 renewed vigour. 
 
 The most impressive sermon I ever heard was preached by 
 a clergyman on his ninetieth birthday. He had of later years 
 developed an anti-papal craze, and his text was, " Commune 
 with your own hearts in your chamber and be still." The 
 sight of that old man with one leg in the grave was more 
 suggestive of what we had all to come to than the most 
 eloquent tirade on death could ever have been. " My brethren, 
 in these words — I can't read what I've got here — these 
 modern new-fangled blinds, Mr Churchwarden, will you 
 
56 THE CLERGY 
 
 please " A number of willing hands attacked the 
 
 said blinds. " There, now — no, I can't see, it's the windows, 
 they're so different nowadays — the afternoons get so dark " 
 — another pause, then, " Mr Churchwarden, will you light 
 the candles ? " Again the eager acquiescence to fulfil his 
 request, an eagerness which conveyed a deeper sympathy 
 than words could ever express. " There, now " — another 
 painful silence, then piteously, " It's no good, I can't do it, 
 I can't — read — my own — writing, but my brethren, no matter 
 what the text. It's Antichrist — so long as there's a Pope, 
 there's darkness " — and once on his pet hobby his mind 
 hobbled along the beaten track of narrow, though popular 
 prejudice for the space of some three-quarters of an hour. 
 
 I left that church more deeply impressed by what I had 
 there seen and heard than by the oratory of Wilberforce, 
 Bishop of Oxford, in his prime, or by the subtly penetrating 
 thought contained in Canon Liddon's 'Varsity Sermons. 
 For the highest flight of eloquence could not have demon- 
 strated so clearly the realism of death as did the spectacle 
 of that poor old man making so brave a fight against in- 
 firmities that must overtake us all, do we but live long enough. 
 And after all, the dear old man's departure from his text 
 was nothing like so marked as that of a clergyman recently 
 heard, who, on the words, " Not every one that saiih unto me 
 Lord, Lord," etc., based a violent attack upon those who 
 would urge that faith must be justified by something more 
 than words. Passive belief, he argued, was action of the 
 highest kind ! 
 
 At the opening of the Mid-Suffolk Railway, the Duke of 
 Cambridge aroused the sympathy of his audience in a similar 
 manner. His somewhat halting speech was punctuated at 
 intervals by the obstinate remark, " I wont give in," addressed 
 as it were to some foe invisible. The crowd, filled with 
 admiration for his grit and courage, cheered him to the 
 echo as, had it been feasible, the congregation of the brave 
 old parson would have liked to cheer him. 
 
 Suffolk, once famed for piety, to which the ruins of its 
 abbeys still testify, is not a shining example of churchman- 
 ship to-day. The village clerk who recently ejected from the 
 church a visitor engaged in prayer, alone, on a week day, 
 and, while locking the door, remarked, " This sort of thing 
 
\ THE CLERGY 57 
 
 won't do, I turned out a couple of lovers only last Friday," 
 was a representative instance. In 1880 our own parish 
 was, I should say, one of the worst on record. 
 
 A species of barrel organ, limited as to its number of tunes, 
 the squealing of a solitary child, and the bellow of a young 
 labourer formed the choir in the church. The bellow and 
 the choir being synonymous, whenever the broad shoulders 
 of the young labourer disappeared behind the organ for 
 which he acted as blower, the choir for the time being ceased 
 to exist. The congregation consisted of about twelve people, 
 and in two years had had about forty different clergymen, 
 for the vicar sojourned in other parts, leaving a locum to 
 fulfil his duties. One of the worst of these itinerant divines, 
 who were in the habit of arriving with small black bags, 
 brought tears to the eyes of his hearers by a sermon he 
 preached on the " triple test of true discipleship, namely, 
 self-surrender, self-sacrifice, and self-control," beseeching 
 us to quit the comfortable brotherhood of the indifferent, 
 and practise what he preached. During the ensuing week 
 he was carried home in a wheelbarrow from the village inn. 
 
 The vicar, when in residence, regaled us on sermons which 
 were delivered in little jerky sentences that recalled Anglo- 
 Saxon poetry, and suggested the jingle of a tune. I once 
 heard him preach on a Harvest Thanksgiving day, and re- 
 member the appropriate and cheerful " wind-up " of his 
 sermon. It was delivered in the following manner. Whether 
 he and the organ suffered from the same complaint I cannot 
 say, but the length of his sentences suggested want of breath : — 
 
 " We-buried-here 
 
 Mrs- Jones-last-week 
 
 Mrs-Thomas-the-week-before 
 
 A-baby-before-that 
 
 Was-carried-to-his 
 
 Eternal-Home 
 
 By-BronchiTis 
 
 And-with-the-wear-and-tear 
 
 Of-the-modern-rush 
 
 Who-knows 
 
 Whose-turn-next ? " 
 
 Here he seemed by a gesture of his hand to indicate that 
 I, who looked haggard after a hard week's work, might 
 
58 THE CLERGY 
 
 hope to have the next turn, and with these comforting re- 
 flections he concluded his Harvest Thanksgiving sermon ; 
 for to him Christianity, which is nothing if not life, was 
 nothing if not death. 
 
 The acting clerk's well-meant efforts to correct, by 
 painfully exaggerated slowness in the responses, which he 
 practically monopolised, the rapidity of the vicar's delivery, 
 served only to heighten by contrast the absurdity of the 
 situation : — 
 
 " The-Lord-is-my-shepherd-I-shall-not-want." 
 
 Acting clerk. — "He — mak — eth — me — to — lie — down," etc. 
 
 Still more painful was the response. 
 
 " We — be — seech — thee — to — hear — us, good — Lord." 
 
 As if he would publicly protest — 
 
 " No one would expect the vicar's delivery to be heard 
 — even by a merciful Creator." 
 
 And an extract from another of his curious and jingling 
 discourses ran something like this : — 
 
 '* The-winter-is-gone 
 
 The-birds-are-singing 
 
 We-Protestants-are-the-birds 
 
 And- with-Christian- j oy 
 
 At-the-thought-of-death 
 
 We'U-not-chatter-like-swallows 
 
 Nor-chirrup-like-sparrows 
 
 But- we'll- warble-like-nightingales." 
 
 Remembering the organ-blower's bellow, which recalled 
 a bull rather than a nightingale, I looked round the church, 
 expecting to surprise a smile on at least one or two of the 
 faces there. I beheld, however, countenances draped in a 
 decent gravity which somehow reminded one of sheep penned 
 in hurdles and facing one another, whose guttural bleatings, 
 their A-mens resembled 
 
 I still recollect that hymn, " Grod, our help in ages past," 
 and the blower's rendering of the third and fourth lines — 
 " Our refuge from the stormy blast, and our eternal home " 
 — resolving itself into " fuge from — my blast — he tarn " — 
 which mocked my irritated nerves with the sentence, " He 
 turns my blowing to fugues." Even the screamer-donna 
 occasionally met with in the mixed choir of a village would 
 have been music to this ! 
 
THE CLERGY 59 
 
 It was a respite to be spared some of his bellow, and to 
 have time in the awful slowness to pray that the help 
 promised in the hymn might be vouchsafed to this miserable 
 church ; and on one occasion, meeting the dissenting minister, 
 an exceptionally good old man, I congratulated him on 
 the roaring business he must be doing. " No, no," he 
 replied regretfully ; " empty church spells empty chapel." 
 
 The altar could boast of a solitary light in the shape of a 
 bedroom candlestick, to which the vicar's surplice seemed a 
 fitting complement, for it suggested nothing more agreeable 
 than a voluminous but dirty night-shirt. On the days when 
 there was a celebration of Holy Communion his wife would 
 post herself inside the altar rails. Was it in order that she 
 might forestall all precedence of herself ? For, being a 
 colonel's daughter, she considered her position unique, and 
 indeed on such occasions it truly was. 
 
 The same gifted vicar was very fond of preaching on the 
 Judgment Day, and in one thrilling portion of this well- 
 known sermon he would, by a noble gesture of his arm, 
 separate his flock : — 
 
 " This-side-the-sheep." 
 
 " That-side-the-goats." 
 
 I, who, as the squire was then non-resident, occupied the 
 chief seat, being indicated by a special finger, as if not only 
 a goat, but the goats' ringleader had been descried. On one 
 such occasion, when a collection was made for the choir, I, 
 after asking where the choir was, left the church, and did 
 not re-enter it until twenty years had elapsed. At the 
 expiration of that lengthy period, what was my amazement 
 on re-entering f he church to hear the very identical sermon 
 re-delivered ! 
 
 My humble efforts to improve the unfortunate condition 
 of religious affairs here — or in plain English, to save the 
 parishioners from a death to which ordinary death is a trifle, 
 were rewarded by a letter from the vicar, of which the follow- 
 ing is an extract, which is printed, as he would have said it 
 —for of course it was written in the usual way, only the jingle 
 could not be shaken off. 
 
 " Weshouldbe 
 
 Veryglad 
 
 Toeeeyou 
 
60 THE CLERGY 
 
 LikePaul 
 
 FightingforGod 
 
 Insteadof 
 
 LikeSaulofTarsus 
 
 FightingagainstHim," And so on, ending with :- 
 
 " Wehavejoyandpeace 
 
 Inbelieving 
 
 Pardonforsin 
 
 Strengthfromonhigli 
 
 Andwelookforacrown 
 
 Thatfadethnotaway 
 
 Believe me 
 Yrs truly," 
 
 The two churchwardens and others in the parish petitioned 
 me to conduct a deputation to the bishop ; but alas ! on its 
 arrival at the palace, the polished mahogany furniture and 
 the butler's equally polished face had the same effect on its 
 members as Solomon's glory is said to have had upon the 
 Queen of Sheba, " And there was no more spirit in them." 
 
 " Pray be seated, gentlemen," said Bishop Pelham with 
 that urbanity which was all his own. 
 
 " Certainly, my lord " — still, however, standing. 
 
 He (chillingly) " May I ask what you are here for ? " 
 
 " We didn't want to come, my lord, we'd better be gittin' 
 back." What did I sigh comin' along ? Ain't we robbin' 
 a man of his vittals." 
 
 No captain was ever deserted more completely by his men, 
 and so the deputation melted into a Ute-h-Ute between the 
 bishop and myself. Descanting on the snares of the great 
 Poacher ,1 the sleep of God's keeper, etc., I endeavoured 
 to do justice to the hopeless state of religion in a parish where 
 the parson had, so to speak, feathered his nest with an apathy 
 of his own growing : to which the bishop replied with that 
 calm air of seeming indifference, so characteristic of great 
 
 ^ Upon my suggesting to our squire's kind-hearted father some time 
 after when] he came into residence that he should visit the school, he 
 laughed, "What ? " he said, " go and hear the little poachers sing." 
 But he went. 
 
THE CLERGY 61 
 
 ecclesiastics when discussing Church matters with laymen, 
 and of physicians, when diseases are brought on the tapis 
 by those uninitiated in the art of iEsculapius. 
 
 " I can," he said, " only offer you the comfort of Christi- 
 anity by reminding you that the more you are tried the 
 greater will be your reward, the greater your growth in that 
 saintly virtue, patience. I will," he went on to say, " do 
 all I can for you, which I am afraid is nil, but be of good 
 cheer, and God bless you," with which words the interview 
 terminated. At length, however, after much trumpeting and 
 thanks to our energetic archdeacon and Captain Vernon 
 Wentworth, the new squire, our Jericho fell, and the 
 parishioners could at last attend their own church and rejoice 
 in a pleasant and orderly service. 
 
 But the chief cause of many of these clerical " troubles " 
 is not far to seek. The landed gentry of the sixteenth century, 
 tiring of pilgrimage, took to grim pillage instead. Lay 
 tithes tell their own sad tale. I knew a country vicar who 
 " drew " £50 a year, and who, when delivering the funeral 
 sermon for the late King Edward VIL, chose for his text : 
 " Cut it down, why cumbereth it the ground," and for the 
 appointed canticle insisted on substituting, "Oh be joyful 
 in the Lord, all ye lands," blissfully unconscious of any in- 
 congruity. But there was method in his madness when, 
 addressing a distinguished guest at the squire's dinner- 
 partv, in an awkward pause he said, " You are of one of the 
 chiefs of the admirals — sir — you have been to sea, I suppose." 
 
 The days, however, have passed away when churches were 
 closed for repairs to the porch during the Newmarket races, 
 and when clerks warned visiting clergymen that they must 
 preach from the reading desk as the turkey was sitting in the 
 pulpit. 
 
 But there were some magnificent specimens of parson- 
 men in those past times. Who, for instance, having known him 
 could ever forget Tom French of Thrandeston ? That splendid 
 spoitsman, an old "blue," used, when over ninety years of 
 age, to entertain me with a cordiality that baffles description, 
 and wandering in his lovely gardens, one could not help 
 comparing his tall straight figure with the magnificent fir 
 and the gaunt church tower, both so old and yet so strong, 
 which were the principal features of his home. 
 
62 THE CLERGY 
 
 The clerical immigrants from town occasionally find some- 
 thing in their country brethren at which to cavil, as the 
 Lancashire parson who bemoaned the dulness of his life, 
 because not one of his clerical neighbours ** cared a pin for 
 'ebrew or the 'igher criticism." 
 
 I remember one parson who could have filled a book by 
 his personality alone. He was an enthusiastic astronomer, 
 and was chosen to send the first telephone message from his 
 own village The telephone at its inauguration impressed 
 the unlettered public very much as magic had in days of 
 yore, and two crowded meetings were held simultaneously, 
 one at his village and the other at the neighbouring town. 
 His mind ever intent on astronomy, he whispered through 
 the 'phone in dulcet accents : — 
 
 " Will you come and look at the stars with me to-night ? " 
 
 After a breathless silence, a clear female voice was heard 
 to cap his question with another. 
 
 " How old are you ? " it asked. 
 
 The crowd of listeners was convulsed with laughter. 
 
 In spite of Dickens and Thackeray's ridicule of that form 
 of religious hypocrisy termed cant, its cult is still in vogue. 
 I have had the misfortune to meet some of its votaries in the 
 form of school managers. One clergyman, not content with 
 enclosing tracts in his official letters to me, sent the said form 
 of literature to Whitehall, entertaining the hope no doubt 
 of being, under the Providence of God, the instrument to 
 produce a mighty upheaval in what seemed to him the 
 stronghold of infidelity. Once, when I congratulated him 
 on having such fine weather for his inspection, he replied, 
 " You know the secret — we make it a matter of prayer." 
 
 A worldling overhearing this remark, suggested that 
 some neighbouring farm might be badly wanting rain ; and 
 a parson and his sister who lived near, after calling on the 
 distributor of tracts, told me that they were startled by the 
 appearance of the maid who opened the door to them, for 
 a more slovenly and dishevelled-looking servant they had 
 never seen. By the way, servants, like gardens, are to the 
 visitor what the tongues of his patients are to the doctor. 
 They show the state of the interior. One of the first remarks 
 their hostess, who had of course been peeping over the 
 banister on their arrival and had obflerved their astoniah- 
 
THE CLERGY 68 
 
 ment, made, was, " You were struck with our new 
 domestic " ? 
 
 "Well, yes." 
 
 " How difficult it is to get servants.'* 
 
 They admitted this to be a fact. 
 
 " The explanation in our case is simple ; we make it a 
 subject of prayer." 
 
 The visitors told me how difficult they found it to suppress 
 their mirth until they were at a safe distance from the vicar- 
 age door, when the brother said, " The selection of servants, 
 my dear, is clearly not intended as a subject for prayer." 
 
 After the same people had, "in God's providence," been 
 prayerfully guided to an excellent teacher — I had to withhold 
 the Geography Grant. 
 
 " Your Report," he wrote, ** was sadly too discouraging, 
 however, we look higher. 
 
 " Yrs. Sincerely, etc. 
 1 Peter ii., yea i. and ii." 
 
 I advised him by all means to appeal to the Board of 
 Education, whereupon he, having first appealed unsuccessfully 
 in that quarter, reminded me in another letter, " that 
 there is a yet higher tribunal than the Education Department," 
 etc. No appeal, however on his part to that still higher 
 tribunal appears to have procured him the Geography 
 Grant. 
 
 Apropos of cant, a story, oft told by an old friend, a colonel 
 of Newmarket fame, recurs to me. 
 
 Betty Martin, an old woman who was never tired of holding 
 forth on the importance of being " ready for the comin' o 
 the Lord," and especially to the young, who had not yet had 
 their fill of this planet as she might be supposed to have 
 had, was frightened late one night by prolonged knocking 
 at her door 
 
 " Go's there ? " she inquired in shrill cracked accents. 
 
 " It's the Lord come to fetch Betty Martin," a deep male 
 voice replied. 
 
 " She don't live 'ere, she live next doughr," came the swift 
 response, to the intense amusement of the young men who 
 had improvised the hoax. 
 
64 THE CLERGY 
 
 The late Canon Raren of Fressingfield, whose talents 
 and charms endeared him to all who had the privilege of 
 knowing him, told me the following : — 
 
 First Villager. — I harn't had so much money from the 
 Wicarage lately. 
 
 Second Villager. — Ha' you tried the 'arly sarvice ? 
 
 One has, in exercising the functions of an H.M.I. , a great 
 deal to do with the clergy, and I should like to say at the 
 close of this chapter, which, if not a paean of praise, yet 
 grossly wrongs me if it betrays anything like an anti-clerical 
 animus, that in all schemes for the public good I have 
 ever found the parson their readiest abettor. The squire 
 is often absent, and, if in residence, is more frequently than 
 not, so to speak, hobbled by his tenant farmers' opinions, 
 which are not as a rule in favour of education. And so the 
 parson is the only available man possessed of the two qualifi- 
 cations which to me seem necessary in overlooking educa- 
 tional schemes, a 'varsity education and a certain amount 
 of leisure. 
 
 In a village, if cricket were started, and a member of the 
 M.C.C. happened to reside there, would he be excluded from 
 the committee and the field ? One of my saddest experiences 
 has been to see the exodus from the schools of those men 
 who, by their unselfish energy and careful husbanding of 
 the public resources, should by rights have been in the 
 vanguard of their management. 
 
 In the first managers' meeting after the Kenyon-Slaney 
 clause had passed, in 1902, a parson of my acquaintance, 
 a High Churchman, took the bull by the horns. 
 
 " I've always," he said, " taken the religious instruction 
 at considerable inconvenience to myself, but if you wish 
 it, I'll stay at home and devote the time to my own 
 affairs." 
 
 There was a long silence in the room. At length the 
 village publican rose slowly to his feet. 
 
 " Oi doan't see, as that there Reverend can doo mooch 
 'arm ^ in two and a half hours a week, let 'im goo on, I ssay," 
 and the vote was carried unanimously. Of course I have 
 known a 'varsity man to be as obstinate an enemy to progress 
 as any farmer — but it is quite exceptional. 
 
 ^ This expression from Suffolk lips conveys the highest praise. 
 
THE CLERGY 65 
 
 One charmingly courteous old parson, on my first visit to 
 his school, seized my arm and began walking me round and 
 round the school while he talked in accents of the most 
 exquisite politeness. 
 
 " Before you enter, Mr Inspector, may I say one word ? 
 
 " You see you are a stranger : a little explanation must 
 help you. We have an excellent mistress, an excellent 
 structure, apparatus perfect, everything is in fact perfect, 
 but there's one thing I think you ought to know — we had 
 a very bad report last year," etc., etc., etc. 
 
 Behind a flawless courtesy, as invulnerable as a coat of 
 mail, he harboured the most obstinate prejudices against 
 innovations or improvements of any kind After a recom- 
 mendation of some scheme or other on my part with a view 
 to progress, he replied : "I thought as H.M.I, you should 
 know that the committee, who are most grateful to you, 
 have decided by a large majority, indeed, I may say unani- 
 mously, never to take up any extra subjects, nor support 
 night schools, nor do we intend doing anything different 
 to what we have hitherto done," and so on. 
 
 The late Kector of Bawdsey, was intensely vital, and when 
 well over ninety he took the whole duty of Bawdsey as well 
 as that of a parish some miles distant from the one in which 
 he lived. He had had three wives, and having heard of the 
 curious epitaphs to be seen on their tombs, I visited the 
 churchyard one evening shortly after his death. As I 
 entered the churchyard, a lady with keys in her hand was 
 on the point of leaving it, but she very kindly unlocked the 
 door for me 
 
 The inscription in the church ran as follows : — 
 
 CATHERINE MARY JOSEPHINE 
 
 {nie Stewart) 
 
 Last Representative of the 
 
 Stewarts of Bally Willan and Bally Aughrim 
 
 Descendants of Alexander VI. 
 
 Lord High Steward of Scotland, 1273 
 
 Died 20 Feb. 1864 
 
 Philipp. iv. 8 
 
66 THE CLERGY 
 
 The second wife's epitaph was in the churchyard : 
 
 MARGARET TIGHE-GREGORY 
 
 {nie Garrod) 
 
 WIFE OF THE ReV. TiGHE-GrBGORY 
 
 BY Birth " low " as the blessed Virgin — 
 
 BY intelligence, EDUCATION, MARRIAGE " RAISED " 
 
 in the estimate of society 
 
 by every womanly grace and every christian \tlrtue 
 
 " little lower than the angels " — 
 
 By Death with God. 
 
 " Is there a tombstone to the third wife ? " I asked. 
 
 " No, the last wife is living still." 
 
 *' Is it true that the second was the first wife's servant, 
 and that the second's successor was her own maid ? " 
 
 " Lies," was the laconic response. 
 
 " Is it true," I resumed, " that, during the last hours of 
 his life, he would have his cojSin under his bed ? " 
 
 " No, it is not true, his mind was clear until the end ; his 
 spirit lived on when his body was already dead. He died 
 in 1909, and had been taking three services on Sundays up 
 till Easter." 
 
 " The first wife," she told me, " was a very nice lady ; 
 the second was a village girl, a farmer's daughter." 
 
 " And the third ? " I asked. 
 
 " Not of these parts — American ! " 
 
 " It is strange that," I remarked, " so vigorous a person 
 has left no children." 
 
 " Clergymen must marry," she replied. 
 
 " Yes, but you'd have thought he'd have left children- 
 after three marriages." 
 
 " Why should he ? " 
 
 I offer her a gratuity which she refuses. The rector's old 
 collie is worrying my chauffeur, who whispers to me, " Her 
 to whom you are speaking is the third wife, sir — the inn- 
 keeper just told me." 
 
 I shake hands with the person I had mistaken for some 
 one else, and ask her to accept the donation for the poor- 
 
THE CLERGY 67 
 
 box. She says she will be delighted, and in spite of my 
 terrible faux pas we part quite amicably. 
 
 This wonderful old clergyman had begun bicycling when 
 he had already turned eighty. Appointed in 1845, he was 
 sixty-five years in the parish of Bawdsey, and had latterly 
 taken on Ramsholt as well. 
 
 I have often noticed that the clergy, when discussing 
 questions which concern the public welfare, display less 
 personal bias, and a greater impartiality, than the average 
 layman, who too often views such matters from the stand- 
 point of how it will affect himself. 
 
 In the old days the parson leavened a majority, chiefly 
 composed of farmers, which was naturally inimical to educa- 
 tion. Alas ! to-day he is not strong enough to leaven a 
 lump composed of the County Council. 
 
 I have known and loved many different kinds of clergymen, 
 strong, earnest workers, broad in their judgment of others, 
 if narrow in practice for themeslves, and with this sincere 
 tribute to the faithful though too often unappreciated dis- 
 charge of duty on their ^part, this chapter may fittingly end.^ 
 
 ^ Judging by his friars, who so well lived up to their name of 
 " brothers, I claim the support of Shakspeare in this award of praise — 
 though Shakspeare wrote at a time when the calumny which owed 
 its birth to greed, Oh ! matre foeda, filia foedior ! — had blackened the 
 Church with lies, as it is blackening it again now, in these days of ours, 
 in which even a proof, if it breathes religion, is a drug in the picture 
 market, and in which I have known golf-caddies to receive double pay 
 on Sundays. In Shakespeare's times, Thomas Cromwell, the Monastery 
 Hammer, must have been fresh in men's memories ; and Oliver, his 
 kinsman, was very soon to complete the job by diabohcal mutilation 
 of the Churches and murder of the King. 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 To understand the policy of our fathers, we may compare the 
 influence of the clergy to light — spiritual and intellectual — 
 'varsity light — laid on in every village, as gas and water in 
 towns. How are the sons of the rich educated ? Mainly 
 by the clergy. In Italy, by priests. Will not the rich have 
 the best ? 
 
 It is the anti-clerical Calvinist spirit that robs the poor, 
 who are blind to their own best interests, and it robs the 
 country too. The parson loved his school, kept a healthy 
 check on the expenditure, took no extra pay for it, and in 
 many cases built his own school and almost supported it 
 out of his own pocket. All this is changed. Money is un- 
 necssarily spent in a host of officials. The virtue of Thrift- 
 England's chief need — is discouraged. 
 
 It is the same steady anti-clerical, nay anti-Christian, nay 
 even pagan reaction, that is going to do much worse things 
 yet. Luxury and pleasure are rampant ; all checks must 
 go, and the village child often turns into a domestic with 
 sweets in one hand and a novelette in the other. " From 
 Housemaid's Cap to Coronet " was the title of the book my 
 son found his cook devouring on the sofa, while the joint 
 that was to play Old Harry with his digestion was wasting 
 its sweetness in the larder air. 
 
 In his '' History of the French Revolution," Mr J. E. Symes 
 admits that for twelve centuries the Church, which was 
 one of the chief points of attack, " had worked wonders." 
 
 When Elizabeth helped to uncork the Republican " Geni " 
 from the Netherland bottle, of which Spain was the rightful 
 owner, the task, though necessary, was most distasteful to 
 her. Did her strong brain foresee the invasion of England 
 by a worse enemy even than Spain ? By that very same 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 69 
 
 evil " Geni " which would thrust the next royal occupant 
 but one from the very throne on which she sat, a headless 
 carcase from a headless kingdom — did she foresee the 
 American Colony torn from its mother ? Did she foresee 
 France, headless and bleeding too, and to-day Portugal — 
 soldiers ready — like rat-catchers watching at holes — to shoot 
 down priests and nuns, the unselfish benefactors of the very 
 class to which those soldiers belong ? And to-morrow ? 
 
 It is true England and the Netherlands soon so far re- 
 covered their senses as to restore their monarchies ; but the 
 poison is still working, and it will, as long as men can force 
 their way up to the ranks of the " Haves " by setting the 
 " Have nots " at the throats of the " Haves.'' 
 
 For thirty-five years, in town and country, I have had close 
 intercourse with both Anglican clergy and Koman Catholic 
 priests, and I solemnly aver that there is no other class 
 to be compared with them in fitness for the post they held as 
 guardians of the education of the poor. Alas ! I am but 
 a voice in the wilderness, and there is no one to help them of 
 all the thousands they have so disinterestedly helped. 
 
 The small school board — the first result of the exclusion of 
 the clergy in country districts — was admittedly the blot on 
 the rural escutcheon. 
 
 But the main obstacle popular education had to overcome 
 in Suffolk was a prejudice on the part of well-meaning farmers, 
 and the landed interest generally (equally well meaning) 
 against the diffusion of knowledge. The small board, by 
 ostracising or practically emasculating the only university 
 influence (leisured and resident), intensified this prejudice. 
 
 The old system had, so to speak, switched on the uni- 
 versities to the villages, as hospitals in medicine and as county 
 cricket in sport. Nothing could be better ; but the small 
 boards were abominations. Larger areas would have met 
 the difficulty. What happened ? By a stroke of the pen 
 all the local management (except in name) went by the board, 
 and, to quote a late Suffolk M.P. — 
 
 " The Local Education Authorities are far too wide and 
 lead to excessive centralization and to decay of local interests. 
 This should be set right either by a general union of areas, 
 or by an extensive delegation of power to local elected bodies." 
 
 Strangely enough, the L.E. Authority as a whole brings 
 
ro COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 once more triumphantly to the front the old bucolic dread 
 of mental enlightenment, which had been slowly yielding 
 to the united efforts of the Board of Education and 
 clergy. An earl who years ago would have endorsed this 
 agricultural antipathy, now pleads that reading and writing 
 are the beginning and not the end. Gardening, properly 
 treated, forms an admirable accessory, and was, years and 
 years ago, started by the clergy, though abandoned after 
 trial, but its boom with the L.E.A. must be viewed with 
 suspicion. 
 
 Mr Pretyman, in defending the Act of 1902, contended that 
 it (the Act) spread a greater interest in education. Nous 
 verrons. It had its good points. 
 
 The burden was removed from the shoulders of the few 
 to those of the many. But when will people (especially in 
 Suffolk) realize that they themselves help to pay local rate 
 and imperial grant ? Once the weight is hoisted on to the 
 rate, and a deep groan of relief is " put-up " from Suffolk. 
 But the very fact of many shoulders tends to extravagances, 
 and a reaction is bound to follow, wherein popular education 
 becomes unpopular. 
 
 His old political rival, Mr Everett, comes nearer to the 
 truth — but how sad is the bitterness manifested by both 
 these able men — Conservative and Radical — against sec- 
 tarianism, when we know what priceless service has been 
 rendered to education (as well as to English liberty and all 
 our greatest national blessings) by the priests, clergy, and 
 ministers whom they now as sectarian lumber thrust aside, 
 chiefly, I fear, at least in some cases, in order that they may 
 step into their shoes. He says : — 
 
 " The Act passed in the autumn reforms (?) out of existence 
 the most effective machinery for advancing national educa- 
 tion that the country has hitherto possessed No popularly 
 elected bodies called into existence in this land of ours during 
 the last century have a more splendid record to show of efficient 
 of self-denying, of advantageous service rendered to the people 
 than our School Boards.^ The Tory Government, having first 
 impeded the work of these honourable institutions by 
 Cockerton judgments, etc., now crowns its retrogressive 
 policy by destroying them altogether. This session His 
 ^ The italic is mine. — A. J. S. 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 71 
 
 Majesty is made to tell us the evil work is to be completed 
 by the destruction of the London School Board, which has 
 been the pioneer in our national educational progress for 
 the last thirty years, and our poor king is actually made 
 to call this shameful work of destruction Educational' ' Ke- 
 form.' Is it consistent with loyalty to the sovereign to put 
 such false words into his mouth ? 
 
 " Our best educational machinery is being destroyed ; our 
 whole educational system is being thrown into confusion. ^ 
 
 " There is but too much reason to fear that the revolutionary 
 changes being introduced will he costly to the ratepayer, will 
 introduce strife and confusion where there was peace, and 
 will hinder rather than promote educational progress." 
 
 It amounts to this : — 
 
 Because the small rural boards have sinned, wipe all the 
 boards out, and brand any attempt to conserve existing 
 machinery (voluntary and board) as " revolutionary " ! 
 
 But did not the change, at least in rural districts, tend 
 rather to spread over all the wheels the obstructions which 
 hitherto clogged only one small wheel of the huge educa- 
 tional machine ? 
 
 Picture a village cricket meeting. " Gentlemen, I propose 
 Mr So and So of the Zingari Club for the Committee." 
 
 " Well, yer see — it's like this — if he come here he'll quickly 
 see we don't quite know how to hold a bat — much less 
 * boulls ' — I say keep him out." Carried with enthusiasm. 
 
 It is not only for those faithful pioneers the clergy I hold 
 this brief. I happen to know that at a L.E.A. meeting, 
 when it was proposed to co-opt two retired H.M.I. 's resident 
 in the neighbourhood, the motion was rejected — on the ground 
 " it would never do — it would make things hum." 
 
 Do not let me be misunderstood. The L.E.A. are bodies 
 of conscientious, kind, and capable men — the best that can 
 be got for the price — for they must have leisure and money ; 
 but they are human, and, being human they are influenced 
 by their local surroundings, and, what is far worse, by their 
 subordinates. Nor is it ever likely that their subordinates 
 will encourage the enrolment of individuals whose experience 
 and expert knowledge render them independent of such 
 assistance as subordinates can furnish. Furthermore, I 
 1 The italic is mine.— A. J. S. 
 
72 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 doubt whether in the country or in Parliament education 
 is popular enough to draw the best men. Horse-shows, 
 or Territorials, or politics are quite another pair of shoes. 
 
 Years ago an H.M.I, recommended tortoise- stoves — 
 country schools with outside walls and nothing between 
 them and the North Pole, schools in which neither hot water 
 nor hot air are practicable, can never be properly heated 
 (except at unreasonable cost) by open grates, roaring bank 
 notes up the chimney while they pump in draughts on re- 
 mote children. 
 
 A sweeping substitution of open grates was one of the 
 first moves of an L.E.A. I know. Assistant-teachers used 
 naturally to take less money when near home. This wise pro- 
 vision was swept aside by a cast-iron rule. I mention these 
 two examples — space permitting no more. Verhum sap. 
 
 Advance we must ; but the golden rule is, let the old thing 
 once recommended wear out, before the newly recommended 
 thing comes in ! 
 
 To pronounce on the new system as whole, it is early 
 days yet. But one thing is certain — it has cast a gloom over 
 the rural schools, tending to sever them from their best 
 friends, the clergy and the leisured classes. 
 
 In towns where masses can dispense with what they so 
 ungratefully stigmatize as patronage — though all the while 
 their bread-and-butter comes from capital ; and that bread- 
 and-butter has been in recent times far more plentiful than 
 it ever was before — but in the country the cleavage is fatal. 
 The towns may pour forth their emissaries, blatant ever 
 (except when face to face with those they malignantly attack), 
 whose course from chapel to chapel throughout the country 
 may be traced by diminutive posters — as snails by their slime 
 — and gradually the rural labourer may assimilate the delight- 
 fully one-sided doctrines of the artisan without even his 
 intelligence, sense of proportion, reasoning power, and self- 
 control — all four far too limited. But it will mean a day of 
 reckoning. 
 
 When Mr Chamberlain, to save the independence of the 
 few, whose school fees were paid for them, sacrificed the 
 independence of all, by making education free, another step 
 was gained by the party who have since extorted pensions 
 and school dinners. 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 73 
 
 Dress is compulsory for the labouring classes, but the 
 State does not pay for their clothes. Drink alone (besides 
 fifty other causes) would to-morrow refill the vessel of poverty, 
 even if we could to-day empty it. " The poor ye will always 
 have with you." " Panem et circenses " was among the 
 swan-songs of sinking Kome ; and, strangely enough, " Luck " 
 was the last abstract idea deified there — mascots are every- 
 where here to-day. "Where will it end ? 
 
 In the recent railway strike in France, Providence seems 
 to have sent them a Eepublican President far more tyrannical 
 than any king, and he saved France. Either the tyranny 
 of labour will end in worse tyranny of the old-fashioned 
 sort, or else Labour will kill its own golden goose. 
 
 " An Englishman " [Daily Mail, Nov. 16, 1910) most cleverly 
 compares the " Anarchy of Politics " with the " Anarchy of 
 Brush and Literature," citing " that insensate orgy of blood 
 and madness " (the French Kevolution) to prove that 
 once we have travelled " on the road of theft " the only 
 " path of safety is the path of retreat " — one more added to 
 the many proofs that Kevolution is but Eetrogression in 
 disguise. 
 
 On a smaller scale the same truth applies to Elementary 
 Education. When enthusiasts had disposed of the argument, 
 " The children have ignorant homes, therefore they should 
 be ignorant too," they advanced to the next point of attack, 
 " The children have squalid homes, therefore their schools 
 should be squalid too," and this they carried also, but with 
 the usual tendency to extremes. King Mob must have 
 royal palaces, and Art must produce her best to decorate 
 the walls, and displace wholesale and helter-skelter, instead 
 of gradually, the dear old company — who had done good 
 and faithful service so long — countless elephants, camels, 
 Kings of Israel, and others jumbled together — and tumbling 
 down the stairs in a sort of reverse process to the animals 
 going into the ark. 
 
 Mr Acland's circular (321) worked wonders after 1892, 
 and nothing has been more encouraging in my experience 
 than the hearty response of clergy and others to that appeal. 
 In almost every case material additions were made to the 
 health and comfort of the children, and Lo ! by the earth 
 system's magic touch, fever converted into fruit and flowers. 
 
74 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 If it had stopped there, all would have been well. But no. 
 The L.E.A. were let loose, keen as hounds in the early 
 morning, and the patching and tinkering that best repre- 
 sented rural finance, and best, by the hardening process, 
 prepared poverty for the struggle of competition, were 
 harshly mocked and ruthlessly condemned by experts who 
 came with, so to speak, townified eyes and townified ignor- 
 ance of what those schools had been, and the loving sacrifices 
 made to keep them as they were. Once more Kevolution 
 will spell Eeaction ! The late Sir Hugh Adair once laugh- 
 ingly told me that he now never experienced one of the 
 difficulties sometimes incident to country life. Whenever 
 he wished to entertain his friends, he took them down to 
 see the village sight — the new palatial external premises 
 of his tiny school. 
 
 At a meeting of the Beckingham (Notts) Council school 
 managers, the head teacher was instructed to discontinue 
 the use of the hymn, " All things bright and beautiful," in 
 " Hymns Ancient and Modern," objection having been taken 
 to the third verse : — 
 
 " The rich man in his castle, 
 The poor man at his gate, 
 God made them high or lowly, 
 And ordered their estate." 
 
 But to return to the political point of view. It will be 
 a bad day for England when the cleavage of the classes 
 extends to rural districts. My driver recently showed a 
 printed poem furtively circulated in a village alehouse, 
 wittily charging parsons with theft of every offertory ! He 
 firmly believed its diabolical lies. 
 
 Already the big houses have shown a tendency to neglect 
 their duties to the class immediately below them, by flocking 
 together with their motor wings, like rooks, and leaving the 
 smaller birds to themselves — though who can deny big-house 
 generosity and kindness in all good schemes ? 
 
 Feudalism and war have their strong points, and peace, 
 and democracy must find substitutes, or the good old fable 
 of the body and its members will have to be studied again. 
 In democracy as in everything else, one-sided loyalty will 
 never last, though platforms shriek themselves hoarse. 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 75 
 
 I have heard more than one instance of a cultured lady of 
 the highest connections complain of her squire's wife, " Had 
 I been a cottager she would often have called when I was 
 ill." That her husband had not a " big shoot " was all they 
 had against her, and this in a Christian country. No one 
 expects — least of all such as she — familiarity ; but the decent 
 amenities must be attended to if the social fabric is to last. 
 Anything to do with Dreadnoughts or army or navy sets 
 all the squires afire with energy. But do they realize that 
 there is something in a household more important than the 
 watch dog ? And nations are but conglomerate households. 
 
 Clerical catechizing, no doubt, had fallen into disrepute, 
 but weak as it was, it brought the clergyman into the school, 
 and that breath of university culture created an atmosphere 
 that cannot be replaced, unless we are to admit that those 
 hollow, windy substitutes for a 'varsity training — the ex- 
 amination-won B.A., etc., can be regarded as anything like 
 an equivalent. 
 
 Why is it that the industrial classes, who love to imitate 
 the manners, dress, character of their (of course not) " betters," 
 deliberately exclude from contact with their children persons 
 who may be described as " grafts from the public schools " ? 
 Why ! What are their boys devouring day by day but 
 accounts in their school-books of such men as — Clive — 
 Nelson — Goldsmith — Cowper — Gordon — many of them sons 
 of clergy ? Why bar the real thing ? Not that I am not so 
 fatuous as to deny that the old system had serious blemishes. 
 
 I remember a deformed dwarf for a school-mistress, in a 
 dwarfed room, with dwarfed premises outside — who, treni- 
 bling all over — like the people possessed of bad spirits when 
 an apostle appeared, besought me to overlook her helpless 
 collapse, on the ground that she had never before encountered 
 anything worse than a Dioshean (Diocesan) inspector. 
 Another was in receipt of £27 a year, and her inefficiency 
 so fenced in by firm belief on the part of squire and parents 
 in her piety, that all I dared do in my earliest reports was to 
 draw attention to the marvellous modern advance in the 
 cheapness of soap. A similar case (the titled manager being 
 a personal friend of the head of my department) I only 
 overthrew after a long struggle, and I could not have done 
 it then, had she not obstinately persisted in setting down 
 
76 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 her subtraction sums on the black board with the smaller 
 amount on the top 
 
 But let a village parent speak for herself : — 
 
 ''March 9, 1885. 
 
 " Sir, — Please excuse the liberty I have taken in ritin to 
 you but if you dont no what is goin on at this hear school 
 you ought bein as you are inspectator my childen dont 
 lern nothin nor other peples nither, their is over 80 goes to 
 school and only one man to tech them and he gets childen 
 out of the first class to tech mine as noes as much as they 
 do, but not anough the masters wife have been confined and 
 have not bin to school for three weeks and when shes well 
 she only goes for a few ours at a time and what do she no 
 who have never bin teched much herself and never did teach 
 befor she come hear so she say herself she get paid as much 
 as them as them as went before her and did the same work 
 only better so I want to know how childen is to get on at 
 all with such teechin as that and the master say there is to 
 be no halftimers now how is poor fokes to live, there is alas 
 such a nise in the school when any boddy go by they carnt 
 lern like that, I havnt got a deal of lernin myself but I wants 
 my childen to no somethin ; so please excuse the ritin sir and 
 be good anough to see into things. — I remain Sir, Yours 
 respeckfully , A Anxhious Mother. 
 
 " P.S. — I beg pardon sir for not puttin my name as the 
 master will be down on my childen and be a threshin of them 
 if you speak about it and he do anough of that." 
 
 Technically, of course, such catechizing as the following 
 would provoke a smile even in the wooden stolidity and 
 gloom which too often and unnecessarily darken and sadden 
 our national school teaching. 
 
 " Now, my dear children " (in loving tone), " answer all 
 together " (Oh ! sweet command to the nine-tenths of them, 
 whose minds curl up like sleeping ferrets down an inaccessible 
 rabbit burrow — and will not come out) — 
 
 " The things that are unseen are — " 
 
 *' Seeeeen " — in a melancholy wail. 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 77 
 
 " No, no " (irritably), " my dear children — the things that 
 are seen are " 
 
 " Unnnseeeeen." 
 
 " No, no, my dear children — you're not attending," etc., 
 etc. 
 
 But they were attending and enjoying the capping process 
 so dear to the child mind (and even to some impatient adults), 
 but they were much too clever to think the Canon was so 
 weak as to expect merely a repetition of his own word. They 
 thought they must at least vary the answer a little. 
 
 And of course there were weak spots in the old system 
 of management. 
 
 " Our mistress is rather afraid of ' English,' as she does 
 not understand how to ' analyse sentences,' or anything of 
 the ' Latin prefixes.' Pardon my troubling you." 
 
 And Major- General , J. P., writes furiously on 
 
 blue foolscap to the Board of Education because his wife 
 came to the inspection expecting that " her opinions might 
 be sought " on the needlework (largely consisting of useful 
 and cheap work for her household) — and it was not. 
 
 And the Eev. the Kector endorses — and Whitehall " thinks 
 no answer necessary " — but Whitehall was not always so 
 strong — especially when back-staired. 
 
 And examinations were abused, but examinations, though 
 harrowing (which is good for soil and soul) have not been 
 wasted. They have taught the teachers to be their own 
 examiners. 
 
 And of course the answering that answered to a question, 
 as to a spring, was not education — e.g. Spring Dundee — 
 Answer : " Hemp-jute-and-marmalade " — followed by " And 
 what is jute ? " 
 
 " Please, sir, what silk pocket bans are made of." 
 
 A candidate in her examination paper unwittingly spoke 
 truth when she wrote in reply to the question — " What is 
 the educational value of writing and arithmetic ? " 
 
 " The educational value of writing is Is. per head. Arith- 
 metic cultivates attention and reflection — value. Is." 
 
 And there were masters who would not hesitate to flog 
 boys for furtively handing to one another answers in ex- 
 aminations, and yet would themselves, under the rose, 
 hand from school to school his questions. And there were 
 
78 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 otlqers whose descriptions of their treatment by love so 
 delighted me as I strode along the front rows that I raised 
 my hand in wonder — only to find a dozen boys or girls (alas, 
 it was more than once) cower as expectant of a blow ! A 
 lady once told me they find out, in America, good keepers 
 of horses, cows, or chickens in this way. 
 
 And there were married mistresses at work when they 
 should not be, and there were managers, even in boroughs, 
 whom the clergyman was forced to call " a motley crew " 
 — and when there was a pestilential stench they would bottle 
 it, and let the neck of the bottle open on the school window, 
 and managers who, when I found sixty scholars in a room 
 built for thirty, replied : " It's only for Scripture." And 
 worst of all — managers did not manage — unmindful of 
 Mr Pretyman's admirable saying, " The best manure is the 
 landlord's footprint." 
 
 And a head-mistress with an annual salary of £46, 14s. 2d. 
 might make strange entries in her logbook in that golden age. 
 
 " I also beg to say that the children have never been hurt 
 by my slight boxing, and I entered it each time in the log, 
 simply to punish myself, because I have such an aversion 
 to the least. It pains me, I believe, considerably more than 
 the punished, the thought that I should have to hurt any 
 member of The One United Body of our Lord, I shrink from 
 it ; but some are so wilful, corporal punishment is seldom 
 resorted to till obliged. — I am. Sir, Yours respectfully." 
 
 One would have liked to hear the children's side. 
 
 And there was the small rural board which said, " We all 
 know the school is unsatisfactory in every possible way, 
 but you see this is the difficulty, she is related to four out of 
 the seven of the Committee." 
 
 A member of a similar board, after six bad reports, said to 
 the teacher, " Now that so much has been done by managers 
 you too must make an effort." 
 
 " Yes, sir — but — I want, more encouragement," was the 
 master's reply. 
 
 And there used to be naughty boys, who (1) had the 
 audacity to fall over the spiked railings, and spike themselves 
 at the top of the stairs — entirely their own fault — of course, 
 (2) or who, on the master's correcting them with the cane, had 
 the insolence to make a shrieking noise as a display of temper. 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS T9 
 
 Though I fear spiked railings, even under the County- 
 Council, will continue to receive their dole of human sacrifice, 
 I ineffectually reported three bad cases — in the last of which 
 (a lonely village school), when the mistress and her assistant 
 ran shrieking away, I had the good fortune to be able to 
 stop the bleeding, and, by sending the boy to the nearest town 
 in my motor — save the boy's life — and (" freeze, freeze, thou 
 bitter sky ! ") receive no thanks from manager, parent, or child. 
 On the other hand, under the L.E.A..'s regime, the following 
 catastrophe would most probably never have occurred. 
 
 Many years ago I drove up to another remote rural school 
 just as the schoolmistress was being pumped on at the village 
 pump. Interested in her lesson, and backing with her " dress 
 improver " towards a fenderless fire, her first intimation 
 was a flame over her shoulder. The assistant rushed shriek- 
 ing out of the school, the mistress followed all ablaze, fanning 
 the flames by her flight. After knocking and being refused 
 at six cottage doors, she sank down under the pump, and 
 one by one the cottage women stole out to pump on her ! 
 
 We carried her home on a sofa, covered in a blanket, but 
 though her face, which had not been touched, filled us with 
 hope, she died after six weeks of suffering. 
 
 But the L.E.A.s have among other good points one splendid 
 characteristic — they can hit out straight and hard, to the 
 unutterable relief of all well-disposed members of society. 
 Before their time, when a master was known to " yield to 
 folly," and yet there was no local person bold enough to stand 
 forth and prove it, the benevolent longsuffering of a distant 
 Department, in spite of the inspector's wrath, was even more 
 loath to accuse, and it is a sad fact that men of intemperate 
 habits often exercise a stronger influence than the well 
 conducted and sober over their neighbours, in spite of the 
 strenuous efforts of clergy and others. In some cases such a 
 master's boon companions at the village alehouse were the 
 lay managers. 
 
 One December night, when passing on my way home 
 from a distant evening school through a village, just after 
 the congregation at the alehouse had been by law dispersed, 
 we collided with a group in which I recognized the well- 
 known figure of the village schoolmaster. In the usual 
 Norfolk suit under a Tyrolese hat, heavily ringed, he moved, 
 
80 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 as did the rest, with difficulty. Ulstered as I was, and with 
 a long white woollen neckscarf flying behind — for it was an 
 awful night — I did not expect him to recognize me, when, in 
 spite of my Sam Weller's advice, given under his breath — 
 " I shouldn't say no thin' at all to none of 'em." I alighted 
 to remonstrate in a whisper. " Go home — and I will not 
 have seen you — go home." 
 
 Even when sober the man was a past master of the art of 
 " swagger." To inspect his school was to be taken, so to 
 speak, like an infant into his arms, with nurse-like prattle — 
 about the twenty H.M.I.s he'd known, and all their different 
 little ways, differing in everything but one point, viz., warm 
 admiration of his (the schoolmaster's) magnificent qualifica- 
 tions, and how, in effect, if I were only a good little boy, he 
 was quite sure he would never quarrel with me, though his 
 quarrels had proved fatal to at least three other H.M.I.s 
 and their subs, etc., etc. But it was nothing to his per- 
 formance in his present condition. Even the huge constable 
 (all the rest had forsaken him) who tipped just a little (but 
 quite enough) backwards over the perpendicular, and the 
 other comrade, who now availed himself of the support of 
 the railing, over which he hung with the abandon, but not 
 the grace, of a gigantic vine tendril, laughed immoderately 
 at the way in which the schoolmaster mincingly, with a 
 desperate effort, walked repeatedly along the road 100 yards, 
 out and back, muttering — " Shan't go home — shan't go home, 
 H.M.I, very powerful till 4 p.m. — obey him then — vanishes 
 after 4 p.m. like Hamlet's ghost — nowhere till 9 a.m. next 
 morning — shan't obey — shan't go home — shan't go home." 
 Nevertheless I clung to him, whispering in his ear the best 
 advice I could think of — in vain ; and as I returned to the 
 cart, a faint and half- encouraging, half -taunting murmur 
 towards the earth from the railing reached my ears — " Keep 
 yer flag flying, governor " (it was the time of the Boer War), 
 which convulsed the other two with laughter, and this time 
 even my Sam Weller could not help joining. It was a neat hit 
 at that abomination to a Suffolk male mind — a long neck-scarf. 
 
 As I lifted my foot to the high step, my somewhat crest- 
 fallen feelings (including wounded amour propre) were 
 further ruffled by the parting remark of the slightly top- 
 heavy P. C. in the most patronizing of tones : — 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 81 
 
 " I-wisli-you'd-been-my-father,-governor," as he feebly 
 tried to help me to mount the step. 
 
 I thought at least he would have backed me up ! 
 
 The rest of the drive was passed in the silence that gene- 
 rally succeeds a Sam Weller " score " — nevertheless I after- 
 wards learned from the grateful lips of a distracted wife 
 and daughter that he did return home, and that gratitude 
 came with repentance and headache in the morning, and 
 shortly after the P. C. was transferred to a distant town, 
 though I never reported on either, as it was a first offence, as 
 far as I knew. 
 
 After all, my experience has been less painful than that 
 of my father-in-law. Canon Blomfield, once was. When 
 he heard on a Saturday night shouts proceeding from the 
 footpath from Bicester to Launton, which skirts the rectory, 
 he resolved to watch one night. The first man he met was 
 one of the regular attendants at church, who accosted him 
 with, " Oh lorks, Mr Blomfield, what are you doin' out this 
 time o' night, you ought to be at home, reading your 
 Bible." 
 
 The saddest part of this story, from the temperance point 
 of view, is the naive admission of the Canon, that it was only 
 in the energy of his young days he did it. 
 
 The shouting was supposed to be to scare the ghosts in 
 the churchyard — which was not lessened by a former rector's 
 wife, who used to wrap herself up in a white sheet and wander 
 among the tombstones at night. An enormous elm with 
 a hollow trunk was supposed to turn round at midnight. 
 In justice to the Canon it must be added that he explained 
 that he found that the method did not answer. He was 
 not, anyhow, like the parson I recently heard preaching 
 on the Licensing Bill, with a brewer for his squire and 
 churchwarden. 
 
 My brethren, he said, " Let no intemperance ever rob you 
 of your beer ; beware of milk-sops," etc. 
 
 The sang-froid of that parishioner reminds one of the 
 failure of an attempt to shock a similar offender out of his 
 folly, by impersonating a ghost in the churchyard. The 
 only effect of the surprise was a perfectly calm question 
 from the tipsy man — " Who are you ? " 
 
 The man in the sheet was so taken aback that he replied 
 
82 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 on the spur of the moment — being unable to think of anything 
 more suitable — " St Paul." 
 
 With the deepest interest the culprit responded, " Shut 
 Paul ! — the very pershon I wanted to see — Now-did-yer- 
 ever get any answer to that excheedingly long letter you 
 wrote to the Theshlonlyuns ?" 
 
 After thirty-five years in towns and counties I am com- 
 pelled to lend the support of my experience in civilian circles 
 to Lord Wolseley's startling statement on military circles, 
 " The curse of our army and our race is drinking." 
 
 Sooner will oil and water mix than Scotch and Suffolk 
 school- mistresses work under one another. 
 
 At a village, whose abbey ruins are among the most re- 
 markable as they are among the most unappreciated monu- 
 ments in England, a Scotch head-mistress of lengthened 
 London School Board experience and remarkable energy 
 and capacity was put over a Suffolk subordinate. Both 
 meant well, but the head must needs try two impossibilities : 
 (1) to do all the talking for her scholars; (2) to be in two 
 places at once (her assistant's and her own). The assistant 
 may have gone too far in the opposite direction under both 
 heads. 
 
 When the scholastic kettle, so to speak, boiled over, and 
 the vicar called me in as a friendly arbitrator, I privately 
 suggested a master, if the mistress would go. I was indeed 
 mindful of " incorrigibles," who are apt to appear in village 
 schools when mistresses are not sufficiently masculine ; and 
 I remembered the school where, when there were two mis- 
 tresses, one in each room, a padlock was indignantly de- 
 manded of the managers. In course of time, when the head- 
 mistress had been replaced by a master, first the key of the 
 padlock was lost, and after a time the padlock itself could 
 not be found. 
 
 The vicar most loyally, then as afterwards, stood by and 
 championed his schoolmistress, in spite of her want of polite- 
 ness (to say the least of it) to him. 
 
 Then at a meeting of managers — after which I was gene- 
 rally embraced for acting unofficially as peacemaker — the 
 belligerent amazons shook hands, and the assistant agreed 
 to leave in a month. What more could " stern Caledonia " 
 expect ? But it all broke out again in a week, and one day, 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 83 
 
 meeting by chance the Secretary of the County Council 
 accompanied by a constable, I was persuaded to accompany 
 them for scene last, act last, of the tragedy — unofficially 
 of course. But no one answered the loudest knocks at the 
 locked door of the schoolhouse To save breakage I asked 
 to be allowed to ascertain by inquiries whether the mistress 
 was in the house or not, for a temporary head was conducting 
 the school. Hearing she was there, and fearing she was 
 in a fit, I consented, if the vicar and the police officer (repre- 
 senting Church and State) held the ladder for me, to enter 
 by an upper window too small for either of them. I found 
 the house empty, and I then started off to a distant cottage, 
 the police officer offering to accompany me, merely " to see 
 his aunt " who happened to live next door to the said cottage. 
 
 I found the mistress and her daughter, but I did not " find 
 peace " by any means ! As they obstinately misunderstood 
 the pure kindness of the vicar, in spite of my proof positive 
 to the contrary, so they obstinately misunderstood what 
 was meant for pure kindness on the part of H.M.I. , in spite 
 of the vicar's proof positive to the contrary. There are 
 many people who cannot understand real kindness. They 
 do not think men can be such fools as not to taste the delights 
 of spite and vindictiveness when they have a chance. 
 
 Of course mother and daughter were convinced that I 
 brought the policeman for a scene, and the two hours spent 
 in that awful interview, undergone by me simply and solely 
 as a devotee endures some cruel ordeal that good may come, 
 for it was no part of my duties whatever, (teeming as those 
 hours were with diabolical misrepresentation), were the best 
 practice I ever had at bearing calmly injustice and insult. 
 I select a mild sample. I laughed at the very absurdity 
 of charges I knew to be false. " Mephistopheles ! " hissed 
 the daughter — and the mother, pointing up — " There is One 
 up there at whom even H.M.I, must tremble : and your 
 time's coming" (smacking her lips) — "your time's coming." 
 
 Wondering, to the police officer, on our return, how I 
 managed not to lose my temper , when I knew the absolutely 
 friendly mob'ves that dictated my attempts to make peace, 
 I was surprised at his reply — " You did well, sir : the hotter 
 you give it such as them the better." 
 
 I afterwards discovered that he thought I meant "lose 
 
84 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 my had temper," for he understood me to boast of having 
 kept my rage boiling all those two hours — a third example 
 of the impossibility of " seeing eye to eye " with those who 
 have " no eyes to see." 
 
 But why this length ? To sing the praises of the L.E.A.'s 
 treatment of such cases. Honour, everlasting honour ! Had 
 she climbed that, alas ! too accessible " back stair " at 
 Whitehall, every official from the President down to the 
 minutest office-boy messenger would have stampeded, taken 
 to the river, done anything rather than face that tongue. 
 
 There was another blessing conferred by the L.E.A. 
 Form IX. used to be an annual pest. The Eector of Strad- 
 broke well named it the Boomerang. It always came back. 
 It had two especially awkward questions — the date of birth 
 of the teacher, and the " style " of the managers who signed. 
 In the case of the former I have known the whole phalanx 
 of " their Lordships " reduced to submission by one wiry 
 village spinster schoolmistress, who stoutly refused to dis- 
 close her age, and called them " no gentlemen " for asking 
 it. In the case of the latter, such expressions as " inde- 
 pendent gentlemen " were not uncommon, the Kadicals 
 generally being the most tender on the point, and when they 
 posted the form, crests abounded on the seals. 
 
 To protest against the testimonials there given would be 
 to whip a dead horse. My father-in-law, when expostulating 
 with the principal of a training college for recommending 
 an indifferent schoolmaster, received the reply — " Yes, 
 wasn't he a fool ? " And in a similar case the manager of 
 a school replied, " Call that a good testimonial ? You'll 
 have to give him a great deal better one before you get rid 
 of him." 
 
 Yes, and twenty years ago, when the L.E.A. were not — 
 " Gentlemen," said the chairman of a village school board, 
 alluding to a mistress who, to save her fuel, took a bath and 
 performed her toilet in the class room — while she kept the 
 children waiting outside — " as she must go, let us give her a 
 very good testimonial." 
 
 However anti-educational the L.E.A. seem to be, they 
 compare favourably enough with the average farmer, pure and 
 simple. One once, clinging to the back of my dog-cart as 
 I drove through the market, shouted that he would turn me 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 85 
 
 out of Suffolk, because I protested against bricking up south 
 windows to save blinds in buildings built for children. " I now, 
 I now — there ain't nawthing yeu can't tell me, I down now," 
 another used to shout at meetings, or, after a clear exposition 
 of the school needs by a business-like parson — " I should 
 like to ask one question — Is there anythin' to pye — Cos if 
 there's anything to pye that 'ont deww." 
 
 At a meeting of Suffolk farmers years ago, at Framlingham, 
 when the third standard had been fixed for total exemption, 
 the question arose — " What is the third standard ? " It 
 produced quite a panic, for no one knew ! 
 
 At a meeting attended by Lady Bateman I dispelled a 
 scare about a shilling rate, proving it would be at the out- 
 side — 4d. 
 
 They would have clasped me in their arms before the 
 meeting, but as soon as they had (so to speak) got used to 
 it, they demurred at even any rate at all ! 
 
 I asked them whether within a stone's-throw of the cross, 
 where an East Anglian king was pierced to death with arrows 
 for his faith, they could begrudge the pinprick of a 4d. rate 
 for theirs ? 
 
 " None of yer rude screens here — however polite you may 
 be in recommending them," said another farmer to an 
 energetic rector. But even Lancashire suffered from un- 
 educated education managers. The Lancashire magnate, 
 whose remark Punch honoured me by inserting, in answer to 
 my comment on his school mistress, " Not hold enough, not 
 hold enough, you know, Mr Cotton," replied, " I'U eat my 
 'at if she ever sees 40 again." 
 
 A member of a small Lancashire rural board said, " The 
 testimonial is certainly poor, but so are we ; will she not be 
 better than none ? " 
 
 " Failed, has she ? " asked a Congregationalist minister, 
 who had written a glowing testimonial on the moral character 
 of his pupil-teacher in Form IX. " Well, I'm not sorry — 
 she was a bit short of principle." 
 
 " Dear Mr Swinburne, can you recommend us a good 
 school for a pupil teacher, who is just coming out of prison ? " 
 is another. 
 
 Yes, the old system had its weak points. 
 
 The racy schoolmaster who said : " Pass — oh ! they'll 
 
86 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 pass, all of them — certain — why (proudly), any one of them 
 can copy three desks off." Or for schedule purposes — " Joe 
 Smith — 'sithee, thy name is Tom Kobinson, Joe Smith." 
 ** Humbug I may be, but not a cur — Oh no ! " said another ; 
 and when a collier calls about the ill-treatment of his son, 
 he lightly strips off his coat and gives mister Coal a down- 
 right drubbing — to the delight of his boys. 
 
 Or another — when it was our hateful duty to endorse 
 parchments of teachers with annual entries : — 
 
 After a long homily on the folly of debt, and how he was 
 above all that, " I must be frank with you — I've got a 
 sovereign on my parchment — you shall have it next week 
 — without fail." 
 
 The days when children were practised to read, as if their 
 books had not almost every other page torn out, or thumbed 
 half away ! It was indeed a sight worth seeing to watch 
 the cleverness with which the little reader jerked now this 
 side, now that, forward and back, knowing what child has 
 it in, and once more one wondered whether profusion of 
 apparatus and appointments might not do sometimes more 
 harm than good to the nation. 
 
 Another small rural board complained to its newly elected 
 member, the vicar : " Since you've been appointed we can't 
 get the stones gathered." 
 
 And there were in those days tolerated schoolmasters of 
 whom it might fairly be said that the only thing they did not 
 know was the depth of their own ignorance, which was, after 
 all, certainly pardonable, for it was unfathomable. 
 
 On the other hand the change was harshly introduced. 
 What wonder if, when the parsons heard the new officials 
 blowing their own trumpets over Sunday night schools, 
 etc., they fell off one by one from the educational tree, like 
 smoked flies from a rose-bush ? We, H.M.I.s, were never 
 allowed to write and recommend books on teaching, garden- 
 ing, etc., when recommendation meant a command; nor 
 to draw up lists of weeds for the use of children, with 
 barbarous Latin enough to puzzle a first-class classical 
 scholar. 
 
 If ever a weed poisoned good soil, that mental weed poisoned 
 a vast amount of wholesome interest in horticulture. 
 
 When carpenters' benches and tools flooded the land, 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 87 
 
 while hoes and spades came in at the door, school libraries 
 fled out at the window. Gardening as an accessory is splendid, 
 but when it comes to netting for fruit — the rabbits — the rats 
 — the pheasants — the manure — I bow my head, though 
 experience has taught me something of rural matters on my 
 own land, where I have learned not to grow fruits and flowers 
 costing double the ordinary price. I retire — leaving the 
 settlement to others. 
 
 Have the people whose hands draw on other people's 
 pockets, in tolerated robbery, remembered Mr Punch's story 
 of the Suffolk farmer who, on seeing in the Academy the 
 swine violently rushing down a steep place, asked his vicar 
 if he could answer him a question. 
 
 " Certainly," replied the vicar, delighted to find one he 
 had almost despaired of suddenly interested in spiritual 
 matters. 
 
 " Ehw pyed for them pigs ? " 
 
 Would there had been more clergymen like the Eev. 
 Roland Upcher and Rev. Claude Sutton and many others, 
 who by their bold defiance checked unnecessary outlay, 
 and yet preserved an enthusiasm of efficiency no Code or 
 Council will ever rival. 
 
 " You of course know, the question of purchasing property 
 for public purposes requires a deal of discretion and has to 
 be done quickly and quietly. If you could come down 
 on the morning of the 13th inst., it would greatly oblige," 
 writes a powerful town education official. In 1903 I besought 
 the L.E.A.s of Norfolk and Suffolk to move cautiously 
 over ground strewn with the corpses of the slaughtered 
 boards, especially on the down hill road of bricks and mortar. 
 
 It is still my opinion that before the extreme step of erect- 
 ing pupil teachers' buildings for centres, the experiments 
 of a double set, and a fee to the head teacher should have 
 been tried. Time will prove. 
 
 The Red Tape of Whitehall was enough — we now have a 
 double set — from the County as well. 
 
 The Lieutenant retiring on half-pay to live in America was 
 followed by a Minute from the War Office demanding 9Jd. 
 surcharged, before he retired. The demand, though ignored, 
 continued to cross the ocean until, when he fell ill, a friend 
 replied " Lieutenant ill." It continued to come until they 
 
88 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 wrote " Lieut, dead." Even then it came till " Lieut. 
 
 stUl dead," at last stopped it. 
 
 A lady in Devonshire, whose aunt died in Paris, after much 
 correspondence with the French Government, received an 
 express promise that the body should be duly transmitted 
 to her. The coffin duly arrived, but not her aunt ; for, 
 on opening it for a last look, to her horror, she found a general 
 in full uniform. In reply to an indignant wire the answer 
 was telegraphed — " Your aunt was buried to-day with full 
 military honours, pray keep the General." 
 
 A little knowledge is proverbial. A new concoction was 
 ordered by the L.E.A. to prevent epidemics. It made the 
 floors look damp, and on the principle of the Faith cure, 
 I suffered from Rheumatism. Another drawback far more 
 fatal was : — it spoiled the ladies' dresses. I am not sure 
 whether the written testimony of an experienced educationist 
 finally killed this fad. " We have not had an epidemic 
 for years ; the first outbreak was after the application of 
 your germ-killer." 
 
 I do not suppose any one suffered from Red Tape more 
 than H.M.I, himself. 
 
 If anyone saw our weekly diaries he would never abuse 
 an H.M.I, again, for very pity. 
 
 So numerous and galling — as well as senseless — (for to a 
 man mean enough to neglect his duty, petty falsification 
 would be a trifle) were the columns to be filled, that I once 
 officially asked for yet one more column in which to record 
 time spent in filling diaries. 
 
 In 1903 a teacher wrote to me a letter from which the 
 following is an extract : — 
 
 " I am afraid they will say I am not up to date, as I have 
 no certificates for sciences, chemistry, etc. I feel very 
 depressed over this Bill, but I am sure I shall not have ap- 
 pealed to you in vain, for something tells me you will not let 
 me be asked to resign, simply because I am a middle-aged 
 woman. — Believe me, Sir, — Yours most gratefully." 
 
 I was present at an inquiry by a Committee of the L.E.A. 
 and I may here take exception to the painful change in the 
 deference shown to me as representative of the Board of 
 Education in Council days compared with the rosy period 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 89 
 
 before. I might have ascribed it to personal defects of my 
 own, had it not been clearly evinced when my chief and 
 several colleagues attended Council Meetings officially. 
 
 I hope I do not misjudge anyone, but I feel convinced that 
 the ready accessibility to Whitehall enjoyed by members 
 and officials of the L.E.A. had something to do with it — a 
 short-sighted policy — for " a house divided, etc." I often 
 found the County Council officials were more au fait with 
 the policy and views at headquarters than I myself was. 
 
 These remarks are dictated by no animus. The man who 
 can harbour animus after thirty-five years of the kindness and 
 courtesy from Whitehall I have met with, as well as from 
 managers, teachers, and children, must be a monster. But 
 my period of inspection after the appointment of L.E.A.s 
 was anything but the bed of roses it previously was, and 
 I am satisfied that education was to that extent a loser by 
 a general collapse of interest largely due to the same cause. 
 Moreover, the letters addressed by the L.E.A. to Whitehall, 
 often breathed a spirit of bluff and bluster, compared with 
 which the letters addressed to me by the said L.E.A. were 
 mild. The fact is the Board of Education had to resemble 
 the mother one meets with in a train. The L.E.A.s were 
 the spoiled offspring of the Board, and when the elder brothers 
 (H.M. Inspectors) and others complained of their behaviour, 
 they were told to remember the tender years of the new-born 
 infant. 
 
 A Scotch schoolmaster, intelligent, athletic, canny, and 
 one whose appointment was a godsend to an important 
 though remote school, came to me in despair with a har- 
 rowing communication from the L.E.A. in his pocket. 
 
 This head teacher was convicted sometime ago of 
 assaulting a scholar, aged 13, and fined £5 and costs or a 
 month's imprisonment in the second division. 
 
 The Bench deemed it desirable that the attention of the 
 Committee should be drawn to the case and so the finding 
 of the Magistrates was forwarded to the L.E.A. 
 
 The Magistrates stated that it was clearly proved that the 
 boy was treated with undue and unnecessary violence. For 
 an offence connected with dictation he was first of all caned 
 upon his buttocks very severely ; he was then caned appa- 
 rently on both his hands ; his head was then struck very 
 
90 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 badly, and then liis ear was twisted, with the result that it 
 was apparently totally blackened and so swollen that the 
 orifice became invisible, and the lad had to be taken to a 
 doctor to be examined. 
 
 The Sub-Committee of the L.E.A. took a serious view' of 
 this cruel treatment inflicted on a young lad, and recom- 
 mended that Mr be dismissed, summarily, from his 
 
 position as Head Teacher of the Council School, and that 
 the Managers be notified accordingly. 
 
 {Mr was informed of this recommendation and of the 
 
 date and time when it would he considered, and was told that 
 he was at liberty to appeal.) 
 
 I advised him to appeal, and promised to be present in 
 person if possible. 
 
 The inquiry, after appeal, was conducted with the utmost 
 kindness, consideration and justice, and indeed in the case 
 of the L.E.A.s, as I suppose in most corporations, if you can 
 only obtain access to the members themselves, nothing could 
 be more reasonable, just and gentle than their treatment of 
 your case. The danger is, when they meet at a distance 
 from the scene of action, and consequently lacking that 
 familiarity with the true nature of affairs, characters, etc. 
 in the locality, and — worst of all — with an allowance of 
 time wholly inadequate for the purpose, etc. 
 
 How often have I been told it is not the Council themselves 
 we fear, they are kindness itself, etc., etc. If they would only 
 captain their own ship ! 
 
 Here are my notes : — 
 
 The Assistant teacher (the only adult witness) had not 
 been heard by the Magistrates. The father appeared and 
 admitted he had had no complaint before. He also admitted 
 that his son was quite fond of the Master. Then appeared 
 a youthful Sam Weller (considerably smaller than the victim 
 of the assault who was a strong, sturdy boy). The master 
 alleged that if any damage had been done, it had been done 
 in a squabble with this boy in the play hour. A member 
 of the L.E.A. , sharply, with a leading question not admissible 
 in law courts — 
 
 " Who sent for you to-day " (Saturday) ? 
 
 No reply. 
 
 " Did the Schoolmaster ? " 
 
COUNTY COUNCILS 91 
 
 " No-o-o." 
 
 " What did you come here for to-day ? " 
 
 No reply. 
 
 " To play ? " 
 
 " No-o-o.» 
 
 " Did you play with this boy ? " 
 
 " Ye-e-s." 
 
 " Did you smack his head ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Did he yours ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Which would if either did ? " 
 
 (His only full, clear and ready answer) " I should have 
 smacked his head.") 
 
 The general Suffolk shrewdness with which this youthful 
 Weller evaded every awkward question, and the final evidence 
 of his pluck put every one into a very good temper, and his 
 evidence ended in a general roar of laughter. 
 
 I then informed the Committee that it so happened that 
 I called at the school on the afternoon of the very day in 
 question to measure the school, and being keen on self-help, 
 practically had the school measured by four boys — one of 
 whom was the victim of the assault, A. M. 
 
 The smartness of these four boys was so exceptional as 
 to call for especial praise at the time ; and I saw no sign of 
 any damage done to any of their heads. 
 
 This — with the extraordinary behaviour of the father, 
 who evinced no interest in anything except the question 
 whether the Council was going to pay his day's wages, as 
 well as the obvious air of smartness about the master and 
 school, and a total absence of public interest in the case, 
 produced the natural verdict — 
 
 " We find no signs of excessive punishment — the case of 
 the ear and head ' not proven.' " 
 
 So the master was saved : but think of the suspense. He 
 might have been ruined for life. 
 
 At a large meeting of representatives of several counties 
 to discuss the question of increased accommodation in train- 
 ing colleges. I advocated, as reasonable in more than 
 one sense, the enlargement of the existing denominational 
 establishments. But in stemming the anti-sectarian wave 
 
92 COUNTY COUNCILS 
 
 I stood alone, though I attempted to prove that Education 
 devoid of Christianity was as certainly doomed to failure 
 as Christianity devoid of dogma. 
 
 " To exclude dogma from schools in order to suit the 
 various religious views of the various scholars seems to me " 
 I said, " as unreasonable as it would be if, in reply to a wire 
 from Ipswich to Liverpool Street, inquiring how to provide 
 sitting railway accommodation for several passengers suffer- 
 ing from different spinal complaints, and so unable to travel 
 together in one car, the authorities at head quarters wired 
 back ' Take out their back-bones.' " 
 
 And flat though this illustration fell on that prejudiced 
 assemblage, I had the pleasure shortly after to read Mr 
 Balfour's remarks to the effect that doctrineless Christianity 
 was an impossibility, and that unchristianized England 
 was a doomed country. And no one can call Mr Balfour 
 a fanatic. I question whether he is even a Churchman. 
 Despised on the day, my advice ultimately prevailed ; so 
 for once I was able to dispel the charm of that word " un- 
 denominational," dear to modern ears as the " blessed word " 
 Mesopotamia was to the old lady in church. 
 
CHAPTEE IX 
 
 MOTORS 
 
 During the last thirty-five years, I have practically lived 
 in the open, for I am proud to say that, with the few excep- 
 tions which are needed to prove a rule, I have always driven 
 in an open conveyance of one sort or another. 
 
 To traverse Suffolk, where lines are not laid close to your 
 door as in towns, the thriftier method of travelling is to 
 drive, for to arrive at some given point one has frequently 
 to use two stations, and time-tables often refuse to 
 dovetail. 
 
 Memories of hired vehicles and hired horses fill my mind 
 as I review the past, and I have again in imagination one 
 of my numerous drivers, attempting to inspire his steed with 
 the magical words " Trot ole man, Trot ole man." 
 
 Had a four-post bed begun to trot, my astonishment would 
 hardly have been greater than had " ole man " evinced any 
 signs of obeying my Jehu's behest. 
 
 This and many other trivial memories return to my mind 
 as I glance backwards. Memories of cold days, which were 
 so cold that one envied the fishermen, who, it is said, dip 
 their hands into the sea to warm them ; days that made 
 one wish the waves alongside of the cart, that one might do 
 likewise. 
 
 One drive from Hoxne to Snape Priory in March, when a 
 blizzard from the east was blowing, against which midnight 
 found us still battling, because the roads were obliterated 
 with snow, and the cruel hail, like icy needles, made our eyes 
 for the nonce blind, still makes me shiver as I recall it, 
 although huge logs are burning on the hearth and a brilliant 
 January sun is flooding every corner of the room in which 
 I write. My charioteer and I took turns at the reins, and 
 at every two miles or so, we emulated the example of Lot's 
 
 83 
 
94 MOTORS 
 
 wife, to give ourselves brief respite of a sort, without meeting, 
 however, with her untimely fate. 
 
 Another drive hardly more agreeable was one from Butley 
 to Snape. 
 
 Darkness found us, and it was a pitch-dark night, groping 
 for tracks across the Wandesden Walks — and here I should 
 like to mention that in those parts of Suffolk, within hail 
 of the sea, the south-west winds are undoubtedly the coldest, 
 particularly when a touch of gale is abroad. The cheery 
 beat of the motor pulse, in comparison with the panting of 
 breathless horses, was heaven. It is about nine years ago 
 now that I underwent the transformation, similar to that of 
 chrysalis to winged creature, by the substitution of a motor 
 in place of a dog-cart or landau. 
 
 The never ending lanes, that certainly seemed to have no 
 turnings, were converted by the automobile into delicious 
 runs. There were breakdowns of course, but what delight 
 one experienced when the heart of the inanimate monster 
 began to beat again, and the longer one had waited the 
 greater the joy. Laid up once on the Aldeburgh Koad, I 
 remarked to a passer-by, a magnificent specimen of an East 
 Anglian fisherman, a big fair-haired Apollo — 
 
 " You're never sure of them." 
 
 " Like women," he replied. 
 
 " But when they do go you forgive them everything." 
 
 " Like women too," he muttered and proceeded on his way. 
 
 We all remember how agreeable a rencontre between a 
 motor and ordinary vehicles was wont to be in a narrow 
 lane or byway in the spring time of motors, before the 
 horse had accustomed himself to what I fancy he considered 
 that vulgar creature of the highways. 
 
 On one occasion a farmer who was driving his wife in a 
 big, ramshackle, two-wheeled cart, implored me with uplifted 
 arms to stop my car while the lady descended. I alighted 
 and held the horse's head ; seventeen hands high was that 
 gaunt beast, and I felt like a tassel swinging on his bit as I 
 watched a club-footed leg, encased in a once white stocking, 
 making enigmatic bids for an elusive iron step. 
 
 When the owner had at last found a hold for the said foot, 
 she was over a gate and half way across a field in a marvel- 
 lously short space of time. The farmer now intimated to 
 
MOTORS 95 
 
 me that he also wished to descend, so I continued to play 
 the role of a tassel on the gaunt beast's bit, while he likewise 
 vaulted the gate and rejoined his other half, on what they 
 evidently considered the safer side of the fence. 
 
 I led the horse or rather was lifted by him beyond my 
 panting car, and meeting the two further down the road, was 
 overwhelmed with thanks that nearly merged into embraces. 
 
 " They were so sorry, they were so frightened, but they 
 thought it might bust as they passed." 
 
 Near the same place on the road between Snape Bridge 
 and Sternfield I beheld a spectacle which might have aroused 
 envy within a circus master's breast. 
 
 A team drawing an empty waggon, to avoid my motor, 
 actually ascended a bank two feet high, surmounted with 
 a hedge of three feet, cleared this and descended successfully 
 into the field on the other side, via a drop of four feet. As 
 I watched the waggon ascend and then drop, the efiect was 
 that of a ship on the swell of a long undulating wave. There 
 was, however, a moment of awful suspense before I ascer- 
 tained that the men in the cart were uninjured. 
 
 Once, when starting for a forty-mile run to Assington, 
 where I was to spend the night at the late Sir Brampton 
 Gurdon's, I came upon a sfceam-car " hung up." It blocked 
 the middle of the road, andj[a strong desire prompted me 
 to examine more closely " the strange phenomenon " — as it 
 did Pliny, when, while at the head of the Eoman fleet, he 
 perished at the age of fifty-six, in the eruption which buried 
 Pompeii. Its owner, a martial-looking man with superfine 
 waxed moustaches, hastened to explain that it was his first, 
 and he devoutly hoped his last experience of the " beastly 
 things." He was, it seemed, due at Eendlesham Hall to 
 assist in the judging of motor competitions; there did not, how- 
 ever, seem the slightest likelihood of his ever arriving at his 
 goal, as the steam car could not be left unchaperoned on the 
 road, nor could he induce it to accompany him whither he was 
 bound. Nor could he stop its panting, throbbing, steaming, 
 which suggested that it might easily burst at any moment. 
 
 Although unacquainted with this manner of machine, 
 I had plenty of time at my disposal, and therefore proposed 
 that he should take my car, drive to Eendlesham, and send 
 someone back in it while he fulfilled his engagement. The 
 
96 MOTORS 
 
 offer was received in surprise and accepted with alacrity 
 rather than with gratitude. 
 
 Whilst waiting for the car to return, my chauffeur and 
 I sat afar, having taken the precaution of screening our- 
 selves behind gorse bushes, for safety, and to avoid the abuse 
 of the passers-by, who greatly resented the road being held 
 by that driverless and menacing monster. 
 
 At length my car returned, but I do not remember ever 
 receiving any written expression of thanks for the unpleasant 
 quart d'heure, or rather four quarters of an hour, that we 
 had spent at the steam car's palpitating side. 
 
 In the northern approach to Saxmundham there is a 
 dangerous bit of road, under the drip of the trees near the 
 lodge of Carlton Park, where I perceived coming south a 
 farmer's wife, driving herself and meeting me. Expecting 
 her to be nervous, I skirted the eastern hedge on my left 
 too closely, and so found a heap of stones barring my course. 
 At the rate of twenty miles an hour, a sudden turn of 
 the steering-wheel produced an immediate nightmare-like 
 paralysis. A stalwart labourer, on the right or west side, 
 proceeding northwards, after turning round to stare his fill 
 at the then comparatively novel sight of an automobile, 
 was slouching slowly on, when suddenly his broad back 
 seemed to be gliding on to us with that bewildering effect 
 which trains in starting sometimes cause — when, for the life of 
 you, you cannot say which is moving — the other or yours. Then 
 with the gentle, but irresistible force of the said locomotives 
 he was lifted by the two front springs of the car, as if by 
 buffalo horns, towards the park fence. A stupendous crash, 
 then both man and front wheels were within the park : then 
 silence — only broken by " My Innards, oh, my Innards ! " 
 The fence was 6 ft. high wooden paling, each pale 2J in. by 
 J in. the rails 3 ins. square, with intervals of 2j ins. between 
 each pale and at every 10 ft. a post 4 ins. square — one of 
 which we broke. The tar must have covered some rotten 
 wood, or we could not have got through. Never shall I 
 forget the scene ! The wrecked car, the groaning of the 
 man, and the instantaneous crowd of unsympathetic faces, 
 unsympathetic not being perhaps the right word, for from 
 the man's point of view they were sympathetic enough. 
 
 A little French story read years ago and untU then by me 
 
MOTORS 97 
 
 quite forgotten, suddenly took possession of my mind — 
 what Komeo called " A lightning before death," it seemed 
 to me in my misery. 
 
 It was the story of a small employe in the government, 
 who on receiving the news of an increase in his salary rushes 
 home to impart the glad tidings to his wife. 
 
 To celebrate the great news a holiday is planned in which 
 " papa, maman, les deux enfants et la petite bonne " shall 
 all participate. Papa in his extreme youth had had a few, 
 a very few riding lessons, but as mamma, the children, and 
 the little servant will entirely fill the carriage, it is arranged 
 that papa shall travel It cheval, and "les enfants" will thus 
 be able to witness the magnificent spectacle of papa as an 
 equestrian. 
 
 They reach Vesinet in safety, lunch, pick wild flowers, 
 and return to Paris in the evening, flushed with the fresh air 
 and the pleasure of the day. 
 
 The saint, however, who in the morning had protected 
 papa's uncertain horsemanship is evidently elsewhere engaged 
 in the evening, for just as they are traversing the Place de la 
 Concorde, papa's horse rears, becomes unmanageable, and 
 before aid, human or super-human, can come to the rescue, 
 une vieille, in the act of crossing the much betrafficked way, 
 is knocked down, and does not rise again. Aid is now forth- 
 coming, but the old lady insists that it is impossible for her 
 to rise : a surgeon is called, who can find no outward or visible 
 signs of damage, but she murmurs indefatigably — 
 
 " C^est dedans. C^est dedans^ 
 
 She is taken to a nursing home close at hand, the fees of 
 which very soon engulf the slight increase of salary, the 
 raison dHUre of that joyous holiday, which had terminated 
 so tragically. 
 
 The story concludes by Madame proposing that the old 
 lady shall occupy the spare room in their flat, as they cannot 
 afford to defray the expenses of the nursing home as well as 
 those of their own menage. 
 
 We, therefore, take leave of these unfortunate people, 
 saddled for life with an old lady who always murmurs, " It 
 is inside " — no matter what the specialists diagnose, or essay 
 to prove to the contrary. 
 
 The story of course was written before the discovery of 
 
98 MOTORS 
 
 Rontgen's rays ! and before the enlightened days when 
 the so-called well-to-do have to pay for every accident caused 
 by the folly of the so-called poor. All this — every detail — 
 and much more besides — if it can be believed — with amazing 
 vividness and speed — flew round and round in my fancy, 
 especially the " C'est dedans " repeated like the simple note 
 of a bird, as I surveyed the wreckage of my car and listened 
 to the man and the crowd, without hearing them. 
 
 " Hold up your arm," I automatically shouted. He held 
 it up and simultaneously a flood of the most unpleasant 
 oaths poured from his mouth, as if his arm and tongue worked 
 in conjunction with each other. This lurid language appeared 
 to alienate the sympathy of the crowd which up to this point 
 had been his. 
 
 "Well," I said with relief, "you can at any rate stand, 
 lift your arms, and shout very eloquently." 
 
 " It's my innards, my innards," he repeated, and again 
 exhibited a vocabulary full of colour. 
 
 The two occupants of an empty manure cart which had 
 approached during the aforegoing recital, now intervened, 
 evidently recognizing in him a friend addicted to bibulous 
 habits. Whether they feared that his language, which 
 became more wonderful each moment, would land him in 
 gaol or that he had compromised himself with the law by 
 some fresh and novel escapade, I cannot say, but they 
 pounced upon him, hauled him into the manure cart and 
 jolted off with him. I breathed once more. Had the " Geni " 
 of the brass bottle been miraculously invoked, he could not 
 have removed a dangerous and menacing enemy more 
 swiftly nor completely from my environment. From that 
 day to this I have heard no more of him, though for many 
 weeks I was haunted with the possibility, not of a visitor's 
 room being occupied by him, but of having to make him 
 a life allowance. Captain Price, with his usual kindness, 
 refused to allow me to repair the fence, saying that he would 
 gladly have it done himself, as a thankoffering for my fortunate 
 escape from personal injury. 
 
 After this catastrophe my chauffeur became insufferable. 
 He was master, I man. Whether he attributed the afore- 
 mentioned disaster to my direction, or whether the brilliant 
 ending to our late smash-up had robbed him of all caution, 
 
MOTORS 99 
 
 I cannot say, but we had two rollicking months of wild and 
 reckless driving. 
 
 Lord Somebody's infallible recipe, " picture a hundred 
 horse-power Mercedes coming full pace round each bend 
 on the wrong side of the road at fifty miles an hour," when 
 quoted to him, by me, merely caused a smile of supreme 
 superiority to curl his long upper lip, while some doggerel of 
 my own, improvised especially for his benefit — 
 
 " All the perils motors know, 
 Vanish at the spell ' Go slow,' " 
 
 seemed to appeal to his risible faculties rather than arouse 
 any dormant sense of caution he may have possessed. A 
 final glorious smash-up at Ipswich, in which a pillar-box, 
 a lamp-post, the chauffeur, the car, and myself were all in- 
 volved, was the finale of his reign of terror ; ^ for ^ was 
 driving this time — not I. 
 
 On one occasion I discovered a veritable snake in the grass, 
 when the belt-driven car in which I was driving broke down 
 near a remote little school in the Harleston direction. 
 
 Curiously enough that very morning the village school 
 mistress' private vice had been publicly unmasked, but 
 would probably have continued undisturbed for some long 
 time, had I not by fortunate chance been dropped by means 
 of a broken car into their midst on the eventful day in question. 
 
 A boy had been sent with a note from the mistress during 
 school hours to the shop. The unfortunate youth grasped 
 the narrow top of the straw case — and who has not experi- 
 enced the disaster that befell him ? — of course the bottle 
 slipped out — and was broken, revealing a strong smell of 
 whisky. 
 
 The apparently deserted platform of the station, to which 
 he also had to go and where the accident occurred, was in- 
 stantly alive with people who from stationmaster to paper 
 boy seemed intent on the salvation of that much esteemed, 
 
 1 It was on the Wherstead Road — almost an inch deep in mud — 
 and to avoid a tramcar going at 20 miles an hour we skidded — I lay 
 underneath — on me the chaulfeur — on him the car — and the woman 
 who lifted me out thought that I was asking for some new drink, when 
 half -conscious, I repeated " quits " — my chauffeur knew what I meant. 
 Dunlop grooved tires never need skid on any Suffolk roads. 
 
100 MOTORS 
 
 and highly prized cordial; fingers being dipped in it and 
 then sucked, when other means of sampling it were not 
 forthcoming. 
 
 By a desperate effort the boy saved about half a pint 
 in the lower half of the broken bottle, and proceeded on his 
 way, having first enveloped its tarnished glory in its original 
 straw case He deposited it on a blank shelf, where it afforded 
 no little anticipatory delight to the eyes of the school mistress 
 during an hour until, at the interval, a peep being irresistible, 
 the accident was unmasked, and the wretched boy promptly 
 flogged before the whole school. The flogging, rather than 
 the whisky was her undoing. 
 
 The boy's father complained, questions were asked, and 
 that afternoon the bell was late, the mistress later, and the 
 parson last of all. 
 
 Before the sun went down the mistress had been told to 
 take three days in which to consider whether she would 
 resign or be dismissed. On the third day came the letter 
 of resignation, and the school — one of the best little village 
 schools in England — resumed it's former course of efficiency, 
 which her brief and lawless regime had so rudely broken. 
 
 The danger of fire is one of the many causes for the high 
 rate of motor insurance companies. I have twice incurred 
 that danger myself and the cost, albeit heavy, has not equalled 
 the sum to which the insurance would have amounted during 
 the period which covered both accidents. 
 
 In insuring, the careful pay for the careless. Forethought 
 makes accidents almost impossible. Keturning from a long 
 journey and laid up near Easton, we injected petrol into the 
 cylinder of a little Primus car, having first had resort to 
 every remedy of which we could think. 
 
 No fire was near, but I imagine a spark when turning the 
 handle must have been the cause, for the head of my stooping 
 chauffeur suddenly became the centre of a flame, which, 
 unlike halos, speedily spread. While he felt his head to 
 discover how much of his hair was left, I remained transfixed 
 by the novel and unpleasant sight of my own car in flames, 
 and the two labourers sucking short pipes who never fail 
 to appear on such occasions, no one knows whence or how, 
 looked on with placid interest. 
 
 Alas, there was no sand, but the brilliant thought suddenly 
 
MOTORS 101 
 
 presented itself to my poor brain that sandy soil might be 
 a passing good substitute for sand. I at once attacked the 
 neighbouring bank and began uprooting grass to reach the 
 mould. My example fired the other three, for the two 
 yokels once more proved what splendid Infantry Suffolk 
 men make, if only led. Their very absence of thought tells 
 in their favour, they never think of shirking. 
 
 At first in that sheet of flame six feet high, there were only 
 dark spots, but soon to our delight it transformed itself 
 into separate tongues of which each was separately choked, 
 and at length the car lay decently interred, presenting the 
 appearance of a big, newly made grave in the middle of the 
 road. 
 
 A farmer, who from the top of the hill had watched our 
 disaster without a sign of sympathy, now strode in our 
 direction. His hatred of motors which had found expression 
 in " let the bally thing burn to a cinder," was now mollified 
 by the sight of so much devotion bestowed on the bally thing 
 in question, and he expressed his condolence by towing us 
 home at a ridiculously small charge. 
 
 The next occasion of our being tried with fire was at 
 Thorpe near Leiston. Some petrol was seen to be escaping 
 from the wooden shed (next to a wooden bungalow) in which 
 the motor stood. 
 
 A new chauffeur, rejecting with contempt the cook's offer 
 of a closed lamp with which to make investigations, struck 
 a match and held it under the motor to discover the source 
 of the petrol's escape. 
 
 In an instant that shed resembled the mediaeval pictures 
 of hell which are to be seen in some churches — for it was dark. 
 
 Fortunately we had plenty of sand close to hand and 
 volunteers, including women, appeared miraculously within 
 five minutes of the catastrophe to help extinguish the fire. 
 In each of the instances here cited, the remedy cost more 
 than the disease, the grit always penetrating to the inner- 
 most recesses of the complicated machinery. 
 
 In those early days of motors, when the steam roller was 
 still considered dangerous and people had not yet begun 
 to wonder why they had ever feared horse traffic, magistrates 
 vouchsafed but little heed to the motorist's version of an 
 accident. 
 
102 MOTORS 
 
 It was, I remember well, one of those East Anglian winter 
 mornings in February, which recall the summer. The 
 brilliant sun lighted up the surrounding country and made 
 one forget that the trees were leafless, the fields uncarpeted, 
 and the banks devoid of flowers. After all, to those who 
 have eyes, the winter colours in East Anglia, on the light 
 land strip, often vie with the richest summer tints. 
 
 The road from Snape Church to Farnham runs east to 
 west, and is intersected at right angles by a long lane, of 
 which the junction is completely concealed by a cottage set 
 amidst thick low trees and luxuriant bushes. A female in 
 a red blouse supplied the bit of colour which art invariably 
 introduces into landscapes, and whilst hanging out clothes 
 she commanded a full view of both roads, enhancing the 
 picturesqueness of the view, merely by her presence. 
 
 These pleasant ruminations were, however, most rudely 
 disturbed by the vision for a second of a fast going horse 
 and the next minute there was a crunch, while a shaft like 
 a lance pierced the armour of our bonnet and locked itself 
 deep in its side, as if cart and car had engaged in a tournament. 
 
 Who has not seen that rattling cart with five in a seat 
 made for two, the driver one-armed, the missing limb being 
 wound behind among the winding arms of his fellow- 
 occupants — the loosest of loose reins — the loosest of loose 
 trots — developing at intervals into a gallop — during one of 
 which we unfortunately had met — the oldest and patchiest 
 of harness, and a general atmosphere that suggested the 
 butcher's cart and it's accompanying rush ? 
 
 My reader smiles disbelief, we were, however, running 
 but five miles an hour and they thirteen, we on the main 
 though narrow road, they on a side lane bearing the ill- 
 starred name of Friday — and they were plumbers. 
 
 I wondered when that human shower would cease, as 
 the five men breaking the lamps in their descent fell one 
 by one on my chauffeur and self, we being doubled up be- 
 neath the miscellaneous debris — a sort of plumber jam. 
 
 The horse's head lay under my legs, and as a second's delay 
 might be fatal, I managed to extricate myself from that 
 heap of prone humanity and go to his assistance. 
 
 In spite of receiving a black eye which lasted three weeks, 
 as well as three blows from his forelegs, I succeeded in holding 
 
MOTORS 108 
 
 him down, although not one of the rest vouchsafed to lend 
 a hand. 
 
 They recovered finally and drew out the cart, but when 
 the horse at last stood up, one of his forelegs hung loose 
 below the knee, broken in the attempts he had made to rise, 
 for, though very fast, he was old and his bones very brittle. 
 
 I made the car hobble seven miles to fetch the horse's 
 owner, who waxed eloquent on the qualities of his nag, the 
 chief of which it appeared had been his youth. 
 
 Had our journey been long enough, that horse so to speak 
 would have reached a minus age, for every five minutes he 
 grew younger. 
 
 Now the red bloused female had been the first on the 
 scene of disaster and finding that all were still alive had 
 cried — 
 
 " Well, that's a mussy, I thought you was dead, lor' bless 
 you, I see you both a'comin'." 
 
 " If you saw us why in the name of Heaven didn't you 
 warn us," I asked irritably. 
 
 " Acos, sir, you was a'comin' so slow." 
 
 I cogitated on the importance of her as a witness for my 
 side, as I listened to my companion's continued diatribes on 
 his horse's particular merit of youth, during the return drive. 
 Therefore, on arriving at the point of wreckage, I immedi- 
 ately turned to her and asked — 
 
 " What did you say to me an hour ago ? please repeat it ! " 
 She, however, straightway held her peace. I repeated my 
 question and finally elicited " What about ? " 
 
 " Did'nt you say my car was coming very slowly," was 
 my exasperated rejoinder. 
 
 She laughed stridently, " Call that slow ? " was the only 
 response I could get. So much for my chief witness. 
 
 I then questioned the chief plumber, whose face was bleed- 
 ing, and said " Another case of violent motor-driving, eh ? " 
 
 "No, sir, you warn't comin' fast, but quietly — you hadn't 
 blowed the hooter." 
 
 On inquiry this proved to be true ; alas my case was nil, 
 though needless to say the horn could not possibly have 
 averted the catastrophe, nevertheless it should have been 
 blown and we were in fault. 
 
 I drew a cheque for £20 on the spot, the horse's owner 
 
104 MOTORS 
 
 and his head man (the chief plumber), whilst imbibing 
 whiskey at my expense, pronounced me most emphatically 
 to be a gentleman. The distinction, though gratifying, had 
 I felt, been rather dearly bought and recalled to my mind 
 certain patents of nobility. 
 
 The newspaper account ran : — " The motor car dashed 
 into Mr F.'s conveyance injuring the horse to such an extent 
 that it had to be killed. Mr F. and one or two others who 
 were with him escaped unhurt." 
 
 Noia Bene. — Mr F. was not there ! The cart contained 
 five occupants. The hole being in the side of the bonnet 
 proved that they ran into us. Eeckless driving with a 
 loose rein was the cause of the accident. 
 
 The aforegoing is a summary of unvarnished facts which 
 will hardly be credited to a motorist ! 
 
 One evening late in October, having succumbed to the 
 temptation of advancing the spark to speed us on our home- 
 ward journey, after a long, slow day we found ourselves 
 laid up near Hoxne. 
 
 Every horse in the place, it appeared, had been taking part 
 in the threshing, and one did not seem procurable for us. At 
 last, however, a steed, Rude Donatus, after a laborious career 
 of twenty years in a carrier's van, was available, and with 
 him a septuagenarian, a boy and a ramshackle, two-wheeled 
 drover's cart, the bolts and fastenings of which promised 
 to give way before the journey's end. 
 
 It took us four hours to cover fourteen miles. The old 
 man wore no overcoat in spite of a keen and frosty wind ; 
 now and again he would relinquish the reins to the boy 
 while he strolled leisurely to inspect the still ungathered 
 crops in the moonlight, and overtook the cart quite comfort- 
 ably without bestirring himself in the least. 
 
 Our pace was slow, it would however, have been much 
 slower, but for the boy who first directing the old man's 
 attention to some particular crop on the far side of the road 
 occasionally urged the horse by means of the whip into an 
 unwilling trot. 
 
 I did not, however, encourage such efforts on his part, as 
 my chief anxiety was, that the horse would expire, or the 
 cart drop to pieces before we reached our journey's end. I 
 , therefore shouted at intervals to the septuagenarian, " Don't 
 
MOTORS 105 
 
 hurry," a piece of politeness received by him I am afraid 
 as sarcasm. 
 
 At length came the memorable retort, his sole contribution 
 to whatever conversation took place during that lengthy 
 drive. His oracular reply, which I guard in my memory 
 as a phylactery, and which might serve as a mascot to the 
 many was — 
 
 " I ain't a'goin' to hurry, I'm a'goin' to git there." 
 
 We did " git there " at last and that tough old Englishman, 
 with his contempt of a great coat was one to be remembered. 
 He had already done a day's work at a stack when he came 
 to our assistance, and eight hours erect in a cart in com- 
 parison with which an Irish jolting car may be said to glide, 
 was hardly a suitable finish to a septuagenarian's day. 
 Nothing would induce him, however, to accept more than 
 7s. 6d. and we parted with the warmest of hand shakes. 
 
 I estimate I have travelled a distance equivalent to five 
 times round the world, in motor and dog-cart, etc., besides 
 twice round in trains. I was called " the man of many 
 parts," because I insisted on motoring with duplicates of 
 everything — myself included if I could — I had narrow strips 
 of carpet for stony roads. A good ordinary ulster with 
 a light overcoat underneath, if needed, can be manipulated 
 without the sudden changes of fur ; and the turned up 
 collar should have a lappet, or it only concentrates draughts. 
 
 The average man is ignorant of the principle of the double 
 breast. Unless you button the leeward side, an overcoat re- 
 sembles a bird's feather coating or a tiled roof turned upside 
 down, catching, instead of carrying ofi the weather. A 
 special difficulty of posting is caused by the driver's mistaken 
 notion that alcoholic stimulants sustain warmth — coupled 
 with his being obliged so often to put up at the inn. 
 
 After night schools there is a tendency for his elbow to 
 lean unduly my way — and then, dangerously the other way. 
 Temperance Hotels I believed in, until I found that they 
 are not seldom conducted by people who have lost their 
 licence through intemperance. The proprietor of a ginger 
 beer and le«ionade business I know, made himself and his 
 man drunk, and they were found on their return locked in 
 deadly fight in his own stables. But the story I heard in 
 Lancashire of Prince Lee's coachman proves that the mis- 
 
106 MOTORS 
 
 chievous idea that alcohol fortifies against exposure is not 
 confined to livery stables. That individual having become 
 intoxicated in the servants' hall of the house, to which he 
 had driven the Bishop out to dinner, had to be bundled 
 inside the episcopal carriage, the bishop himself mounting 
 the box to handle the pair in the wintry darkness. The 
 porter at the Palace lodge, peering inside at midnight and 
 seeing no one — the coachman having collapsed on to the 
 mat — shouted to the Bishop : — 
 
 " Eh, mon, but what a yer done wi' t' ould divil ? " 
 
 An Oxford undergraduate many years ago recommended 
 me a plan to ensure punctual arrival at Liverpool Street — 
 
 " Put half-a-crown on each end of the train." The last 
 time he tried it, he told me, nothing more than violent jolting 
 and scared faces happened up to Ipswich ; but at Ipswich, 
 after a scamped stoppage, just as the wheels glided on, 
 his door was wrenched open by the convulsively clutching 
 hands of a fat bagman who travelled first class, and the rest 
 of whose body was dragging behind. In a second the under- 
 grad. had that anything but attractive bosom clasped as 
 tightly to his own as any lover ever clasped his love ; but to 
 his horror it was he who was yielding, not the fat man. How 
 it happened that he did not descend to that receding platform 
 is one of the mysteries of his life. He supposes one of the 
 fat man's feet, like Noah's dove, must have found a solid 
 purchase, when all seemed flowing movement. Fast em- 
 braced, they rolled together in instead of out. The relief of 
 it ! but stretched at full length the fat man moaned '' I am 
 dying — Brandy, ^^ and of course the undergrad. had emptied 
 his flask long before, and it was not the halcyon days|of 
 corridor, and there was no stoppage till London, and they 
 were alone. 
 
 The fat man closed his eyes : and the undergrad. had 
 waking nightmare of inevitable detection, and manslaughter. 
 He would not die at once ; but live long enough to whisper 
 to the horrified London officials the words he muttered at 
 intervals now — " two minutes to the good — I had two minutes 
 to the good — warned by doctors not to hurry — started 
 before the time — positively certain — business man — I shall 
 die — damages dam— ages " 
 
 It was not till Liverpool Street that that bagman had, 
 
MOTORS 107 
 
 by dint of their prostration, so far recovered his equanimity 
 as to yield to the exhilarating effects of a cab-crowded terminus, 
 and drive off — adding his own to the growler's growls as 
 he went. 
 
 The usual troubles of stuffy or draughty carriages have 
 fallen to my lot ; and the ready answer of that same healthy- 
 looking undergrad. to an old bachelor fidget is worthy of 
 record — 
 
 " May I have one window a little open, sir," said the 
 undergrad. 
 
 " I have a cold." 
 
 " All right, sir, as you wish ; but I ought to mention that 
 my lungs are far gone in tuberculosis." 
 
 The window was immediately opened. 
 
 Among rare travelling companions, I may mention Dr 
 Jameson. A face which newspaper portraits did not 
 enable me to recognize, was buried in blue-books — and an 
 extremely interesting conversation begun by him k propos 
 of the want of artesian wtUs in the Lowestoft district, where 
 he had been staying, was terminated by an unfortunate 
 remark on my part : " and that reminds me of South Africa, 
 and that blithering idiot Jameson, who has stirred up all 
 this trouble by his wretched raid." The air was then full of 
 the Boer War. He relapsed into silence and his books ; 
 and at Ipswich I discovered the cause. 
 
 Travelling once with the late Sir Richard Wallace, — the 
 most generous and handsome of men, and a general — ^I learned 
 to what base uses Toadyism reduces even a general. He 
 actually squatted on the elbow rests in his excitement. 
 
 I was introduced to the late Sir Claude de Crespigny in a 
 railway carriage. The kind-hearted baronet who shouldered 
 his own pet " pigskin " was en route for Bungay, accompanied 
 by a cousin -of my wife, both riding their own horses in the 
 races there. No saint, not even that rapt pilgrim of this 
 short-sighted age — the golfer — bogey-crazed — could have 
 exhorted me more earnestly to forsake my foolish ways 
 and give myself again to steeple chasing — to feed no more 
 on the husks — smelly motors and stuffy schools — above all, 
 on no account, to be tempted to suffer the daily gallop to 
 lapse into desuetude — and so forth. 
 
 A motorist's dread of overloading his car once proved 
 
108 MOTORS 
 
 disastrous to me who prided myself on very miniature luggage. 
 After a very long run I was awakened from an ante-dinner 
 nap in the late Lord Lieutenant's beautiful place at Assington, 
 where I was staying the night, by the butler and footman 
 who were unpacking my things. Two men for so small a 
 job appeared superfluous — and I was devoutly hoping that 
 my servant at home had packed correctly — when an exclama- 
 tion of pain escaped the butler, who left my bedroom pre- 
 cipitately. 
 
 The dinner party's spirits were hopelessly damped by the 
 absence of the butler ; and whispers about lockjaw, how- 
 ever veiled, would keep reaching my ear. 
 
 It was not till next morning that the suspense was relieved 
 and I learned that my safety razor blade was the ofEender. 
 It will not be left out of its case again. 
 
CHAPTER X 
 
 STAYING OUT 
 
 I HAVE known the parsons of Lancashire and Suffolk, and say 
 what men will about " black slugs," etc. I ever found 
 many of them hard working and all of them warmhearted 
 and generous, to the extent of their means — means cruelly 
 crippled, by reformation-pillage. Take them for all in all, 
 we shall not see their like again. Perhaps, weakened as they 
 often are by isolation, they may have shown a tendency 
 to drift upwards in their social sympathies, but how many a 
 real good sort have I known, who has slaved at the night 
 school (for example), until he found that the lads took it as 
 a favour to him, thinking it somehow brought giist to his mill. 
 Naturally he had to drop it, awaiting their request to have it 
 revived, which request, thanks to demagogues and chapels, 
 never came. Ever kind, interested, and even loving has 
 been the welcome extended to me by the clergy, and many a 
 happy time have I spent in their homes. All I know is that 
 if there was a wrong to be redressed, of all three classes, 
 theirs has ever been the one that viewed the case disinter- 
 estedly and on enlightened principles of kindness and justice. 
 From their doors rarely has my appeal for the good of educa- 
 tion and the poor turned empty away ; a statement I could 
 not make about either the class above them, or below. 
 
 The parents, alas, have only an eye for present returns — 
 pecuniary. The Squires often away from home, or occupied 
 with coimty affairs, or, naturally, influenced by their tenants 
 the farmers, or from other causes, can scarcely be called 
 enthusiastic in the matter. The doctors rank next to the 
 clergy. The Church is still as it ever was, the truest friend of 
 the poor.i Nor must the village innkeeper lack his word 
 
 ^ " Voltaire was the intellectual forerunner of the critical and destruc- 
 tive side of the French Revolution. He represents its scepticism its 
 
 100 
 
110 STAYING OUT 
 
 of praise ; many a pleasant hour have I spent in his neat and 
 peaceful, though miserably victualled inn. The stream of 
 life, such as it is, keeps alive the intellectual sympathies of 
 " mine host " and a genial companion he is, though does his 
 and his company's grievous misunderstanding of the rectory 
 folks' ways, suggest the existence in miniature in every 
 hamlet of two public houses, the house of God and the house — 
 of someone else — only, of course, sometimes ? 
 
 Yet in one case, the innkeeper stood alone with me, against 
 parson, farmers and squire, in ridding the village of an in- 
 efficient schoolmaster, who, by organ-playing and connivance 
 at irregularities, had won the hearts of all but that brave 
 publican. The unworthy motives imputed by jealousy and 
 ignorance to the dispensing of hospitality to an Inspector, 
 may be ignored. The pleasant relations so established, do 
 more to pave the way to improvements in the school, than 
 your cynical officer, who skulks with his sandwich under a 
 hedge, will ever compass. 
 
 To the few people who hope by a good meal to win a good 
 report, I hinted that the Inspector wrote his report after- 
 wards, when the effects of rich viands, etc., were in the full 
 swing of digestion — or one should rather say, indigestion. 
 
 In one house two sorts of pickles were kept, especially for 
 inspection time, one for the Diocesan, and the other for the 
 government Inspector. When sounded there as to my 
 
 hatred of the Church, and its contempt for authority," writes Symes 
 who though a friend of so-called liberty admits there was much exaggera- 
 tion in the accounts given of the misery of the French people previous 
 to the Revolution. In my experience it is the earnest parson and not 
 the slacker who is most likely to be hated. 
 
 " It is difficult." continues Symes—" to exaggerate the services which 
 the Church had rendered to France and indeed to Europe for twelve 
 centuries. She had been the builder up of civilization and education 
 the guardian of morality and literature, the sustainer of the weak, 
 the check on the strong. Her services had been almost priceless." 
 
 " Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky 
 Thou dost not bite so nigh as man's ingratitude." 
 
 We have in Portugal an example of this wholesale devastation of 
 Church property, in our own times. Those monasteries, at the windows 
 of which the soldiers awaited the priests, rifle in hand, as if shooting 
 rats, existed mainly for the good of the poor. Is it likely the Church 
 would, after 1200 years, suddenly deteriorate — except in the eyes of 
 those who greedily coveted her well-earned and well-spent wealth ? 
 
STAYING OUT 111 
 
 taste in pickles, I replied, " I love them — but by the time I 
 write the report they will be disagreeing with me." The 
 subject of pickles was never mentioned again. 
 
 But though, my clergy friends, I have " to return you 
 many thanks," as Suffolk people say — I am sure you will 
 not mind laughing with me at a few exceptional experiences. 
 Like figures, in manuals on golf, showing how not to do it, 
 they may, by indicating what should not have been, facilitate 
 realization of what shoijJd be, and was — the latter constituting 
 far and away the larger proportion. In other words, they 
 will help to express my profound gratitude for the delightful 
 hospitality I have so often enjoyed, and for the many friends 
 I have made. 
 
 I was once entertained by a clergyman, long since gone to 
 his rest, who had been imprisoned in a wooden cage in China, 
 like that exhibited at the banqueting hall of Whitehall. 
 Everybody knows how the mSnage deteriorates when the 
 servants rule supreme — hams marked with newspaper print, 
 very seedy seed-cake, mousy carpet, half-eaten tart crusts 
 that had done service before, newly replenished with tinned 
 fruit, etc., etc. — These were the mercies for which we thanked 
 God in prayers, through which — under a most lugubrious 
 delivery — we petitioned for joyful hearts, journeying mercies, 
 etc., etc. All sorts of societies, like that for the conversion 
 of the Jews, were liberally supported, but the schools — that is 
 the manufactory of little Christian children at home, were, 
 like the housekeeping, starved. But the so-called dinner, at 
 six, took the cake. Cold viands — coldly furnished forth what 
 might have been a pleasant meal, had it but consisted of good 
 honest bread and cheese, with some moisture still remaining 
 in them. The aged rector, with his long white beard, sits 
 solemnly before his knife handles, which are covered with 
 old, grey and dirty stocking material like mittens to prevent 
 his contracting a chill by contact with a cold surface. 
 
 I see him now, with three or four layers of grey shawl, and 
 two skull-caps. I have actually made him laugh, and o£E 
 comes one layer. He talks — and then another layer, he 
 eats, and soon positively all are off. Alas ! I cannot keep it 
 up — gradually, they are all put on again, for who can make 
 an ordinary person laugh all the dinner-time much less a 
 melancholy though courteous, and kind old gentleman. 
 
112 STAYING OUT 
 
 His head somehow reminds me of a conjuror's box with 
 covers fitting so closely as to make no difference when they 
 come off. I do my best ; but his sadly reproachful look as he 
 has to put them on again one by one, is the cruellest snub — 
 but one — to my conversational powers I ever sustained. For 
 a blissful moment I had had them all off, but it had been 
 impossible to retain so halcyon a condition of affairs. I re- 
 tired to my slumbers, feeling like a sort of human stove that 
 has to warm a damp and chilly bedroom, and that with a body 
 barely supplied with good fuel enough to keep itself warm. 
 
 The other snub occurred years after, when I was asked out 
 to a dinner party in order to entertain the great, but blind, 
 Mr Fawcett. I did my best ; but after he had completed an 
 elaborate disquisition on the East Anglian roads, — a dis- 
 quisition which showed more observation than any other 
 man who had eyes could have displayed — he became very 
 silent — and then, to my utter disgrace, everyone saw him 
 lean over me, as my driver sometimes used to lean in a dog- 
 cart after a night school, but from a different cause. Mr 
 Fawcett was asleep ! 
 
 A former vicar of Southwold who was preaching for a 
 brother clergyman in Lowestoft was under the impression — 
 so he told me — that the light meal he partook of before the 
 evening service was only a preliminary affair. It proved 
 to be the only evening meal. On retiring to bed, mindful 
 of his boyish story-books, he tied a towel round his waist, 
 to allay the pangs of hunger, but on thrusting his feet between 
 the cold sheets he found them to be bristling with sharp 
 crumbs. It afterwards transpired, that the Bishop had 
 spent the previous night there and his lordship, having learned 
 what poor housekeepers some of the best people in the world 
 are, had gone prepared. 
 
 Under the old system of Inspection I had some curious 
 lunches. Here is a Lancashire one : — 
 
 Country Farmer. " Good-day, woant thee coom in and 
 have a bit dinner." 
 
 /. " Thanks, I am hungry." Not wishing to be thought 
 *' saucy," I endeavour to cope with the huge helping of beef ; 
 they hate you to look " saucy." At my side is a mug con- 
 taining about a pint, is it milk ? I taste mine — if it is milk 
 it is very rich, and sickeningly sweet, but he has been so 
 
STAYING OUT 113 
 
 kind, I mustn't look ** saucy." By steady efiorts I am half 
 through, and then three-quarters ; the beef is gone and I 
 begin to feel very uncomfortable. To me almost unable to 
 move — enter the pudding. 
 
 Cries the farmer, " Lassie wilt bring the booter to the 
 puddin' — where's the booter to puddin'." 
 
 " Ay," says she — " but I brought it, I know I brought it." 
 
 " Nay, but thee couldna' ha." 
 
 " Yea, but I did." Search amongst the numerous mugs 
 of the numerous sons, and then roars of laughter at finding 
 that I had drunk the sweet sauce for the pudding. 
 
 " Thee should ha' sooped it a' oop," cried the heavy youths, 
 " then thee wouldna' ha' been found out." 
 
 A Brighton curate, pleasant and correct, becomes a rector 
 in a small Suffolk town. Being rather socially than scholastic- 
 ally strong, he has a horror of Inspection, and is usually 
 engrossed in finding the hymns for next Sunday until his 
 hymn-book is stuffed full of slips of paper. One cannot but 
 entertain the idea that he is nervous lest one of the questions, 
 which fill the air, might glance off one of the children and 
 pierce him. 
 
 The Rectory, which flanks the road, faces north ; com- 
 manding a magnificent view of river scenery — and it is 
 February. The drawing-room firegrate, an old-fashioned 
 draught breeder, is painted a hideous colour, and in flowery 
 frames, over the mantelpiece, hang a pair of enlarged photos, 
 one the Bishop, the other the Rector. A third photo is my 
 first introduction to his wife, the frame covered with ribbons. 
 Of course she pronounces her name contrary to the spelling, 
 and of course I, unwittingly, annoy her by pronouncing it 
 as spelt. There is about a handful of fire just lit, and two 
 large north windows in the drawing-room. Would they 
 would ask me into the kitchen ! How well I know that swish 
 of the match that lights the fire while the visitor takes his 
 coat off in the hall. 
 
 The dining-room, which confronts you on the right as you 
 enter the street door, has the latch broken, and the north-easter 
 across the marsh simply plays with that street door ; while 
 the sham fire, not much larger than a salt cellar, with its 
 reddening gaslit cinders, false and cold as the cupboard love 
 which prompts my welcome, reminds one of the opossum 
 
114 STAYING OUT 
 
 when it saw the dead shot. " Don't trouble to kill me," 
 it seems to say to the draught. " I'll come down of 
 myself." 
 
 The hall door is ever being opened for soup tickets. That 
 winding river will be my winding sheet. I am already cold 
 up to my knees. Dare I ask for hot grog ? 
 
 Mrs Kector, a large person with a large picture hat, a 
 large mouth and a smart tight-fitting frock, asks, " What 
 will you drink ? " 
 
 " May I ask for hot milk and water ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes ; I forgot, they told me you always liked messes." 
 
 " My dear ! " interposes the grant-minded Rector in 
 horror-stricken accents — 
 
 " Well, I do like that, why you yourself told me he drank 
 some loathsome mixture ! " 
 
 " My dear ! . . . 
 
 To prevent a domestic scene, I dash in, where angels 
 would fear to tread, with — 
 
 " So sorry to give trouble, I am so feeble you know, though 
 I fear my appearance belies me." 
 
 "Oh no, you look it," is her remark. Why do we hate 
 other people saying what we don't mind saying ourselves ? 
 " Has that stoopid girl gone for the stuff ? " The rector's 
 well-bred chin is buried in his chest, and I pity him from 
 the bottom of my heart. 
 
 A loud crash on the stairs breaks in upon this festive scene. 
 Had the nursery gate, which I had observed at the head of 
 the stairs, given way ? Of course, they had had about a 
 dozen children in about as many years. 
 
 She, " There you sit, you don't care, not you ; if they 
 every one perish." 
 
 He. " It's only the ordinary noise." 
 
 She. " Ordinary ? — hark ! will you go ? " 
 
 He goes : meanwhile she to me : " Do you like Byron ? " 
 
 " Fairly well ! " 
 
 " Oh, I love Byron, I adore him, I'm devoted to him, I 
 could do without breakfast and dinner if I only had Lalla 
 Rookh." 
 
 During the rector's absence, a mass of cod had been placed 
 on the table and from the smoke which, as I am to leeward, 
 envelopes me in its fumes, I gather not only that it is East 
 
STAYING OUT 115 
 
 Anglian, but that it has left its freshness far behind. The 
 rector returns, but is not left long in peace. 
 
 " If I don't know Charlie's cry, I don't know who does ! " 
 
 I wistfully thought of hunting days, being once more 
 reminded of the huntsman's skill in detecting each hound's 
 tongue. " You know what the doctor says, why don't you 
 go — not you — what do you care ? " — ^another bang. " Will I 
 excuse him ? " he asks, " nurse is away." 
 
 A mass of half raw beef replaces the cod ; a joint unlike 
 anything I had ever before seen ; this in its turn is speedily 
 dismissed and then in exactly the same languishing voice in 
 which she had inquired my sentiments concerning Byron, 
 the rector's wife asks me " Do you like hominy ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes, I think so," I reply politely. 
 
 " I love hominy, I adore hominy, I'm devoted to it, I 
 could eat it all day." 
 
 A sullen mass, like a gigantic chrysalis, with creases on its 
 smooth back, sweeps in. I watched her engulf lump after 
 lump of this nauseous compound, and words of the poet 
 she had praised so enthusiastically occurred to my mind — 
 
 " Oh that we can call these creatures ours, 
 But not their appetites." 
 
 " I've given up the porridge battle with my children," 
 she told me, interspersing with conversation the interludes 
 between each mouthful ; " it's so unpleasant to have fights 
 at meals, — I suppose you've given up everything by this time." 
 
 " My dear ! " again from her husband. The hominy was 
 superseded by a small tart in double harness with an in- 
 describable mess in a glass dish. 
 
 " Why did I wink at you," to her husband, *' it's all very 
 well, you know, how I catch it after they've gone, if you 
 didn't have the nicest bits . . ." 
 
 At last in darts that most faithful of the faithful, the 
 sixteen year-old "general," all apron, cap and good will. The 
 radiance of her somewhat dirty face was destined, however, 
 to be dimmed, for her mistress seeing the soda water tumbler 
 in her hand, and the lurid yellow tinge betraying its contents 
 exclaims, " You silly girl, you ! " 
 
 Her answer, " Please Ma'am, I thought you meant treacle 
 
116 STAYING OUT 
 
 posset," so stirred my pity that I seized the flagon and gulped 
 down the sickly mixture at one long draught. 
 
 My reward for this heroic conduct was anyhow a pleasant 
 sensation of warmth, which hitherto had been lacking in my 
 system. But my mind echoed Romeo's exclamation, after 
 the apothecary's draught ; " Oh, true apothecary ! thy 
 drugs are quick ! " Outside, the wind was howling and the 
 rain coming down in torrents, but it is better to be in the 
 hands of God than man — I fled. 
 
 What a genuine saint, I thought on my homeward journey, 
 must our Bishop be, for I had been given very pointedly to 
 understand — he stayed there. This lady, I afterwards 
 understood was great on praying cloth at Mothers' Meetings-^ 
 American cloth recommended as it kept cleaner in the pocket. 
 
 A propos of the swish of a match, I was once lighting my 
 pipe in the den of the late Eev. Charles Steward, but before 
 the match touched the box a distinct swish sounded. In a 
 cold perspiration, with the idea that overwork was affecting 
 my brain, I repeated the operation and was in the depth of 
 despair when my eye caught sight of a large covered cage 
 behind me. It was the parrot ! 
 
 A certain rector, after a thrilling tragic story of the fates 
 of two young men who had both slept in damp beds, ushered 
 me into a bedroom where my breath, like Landseer's picture 
 of the stag in The Challenge, produced a mist : " No one has 
 slept in this room," he told me cheerily, " for three months — 
 but it's much longer than that since anyone slept in the other 
 spare room where we've put my wife's mother." 
 
 But if cold houses kill their hundreds, scanty, ill-cooked 
 and tinned-food meals kill their thousands. It is not poverty 
 but ignorance, meanness, false pride, etc., things which need 
 not be, that I would ridicule. The mistress has not necessarily 
 to live in her kitchen to inspire it. 
 
 I am a fortunate man ; but even in my happy household 
 a loaf I brought home as a specimen of home-made bread 
 had to be gradually demolished by myself, as no one else 
 would touch it ; and when I praised other people's light 
 puddings the answer was " you can do anything with eggs." 
 As a matter of fact one egg is sufiicient, and soaking over 
 night, which costs neither time nor labour nor money, pro- 
 duces a result which no longer resembles a miniature pebble 
 
STAYING OUT IIT 
 
 beach. Similarly in vain, though for years, I have preached 
 the semi-perpendicular and not horizontal position of the 
 sticks for lighting a fire, on the analogy of a match and a 
 person in flames. The former should be vertically held, the 
 latter horizontally, for obvious reasons. 
 
 In some houses where I have stayed, my feelings have been 
 best described by my driver's whisper to me — at one of 
 them : — 
 
 " The mare's a' shriekin' in the stables to get home." 
 
 Salad dressings like white hair-mixture, gone yellow at 
 the top, poultice-like puddings and pigeon pies in whose 
 black interior mysterious solids soak and soak, but never 
 soften, are unnecessary evils. So are the withered ends of 
 tongue, that have lost all taste like people who have had 
 influenza. Bacon need not resemble corrugated iron roofing, 
 and the milk for coffee need not be cold. 
 
 At one house we sat down to dinner with one pigeon for 
 five — and before I had recovered from the shock, I found 
 myself politely asked to carve — a most ingenious way out 
 of the difficulty — and would I give the first help to a mother- 
 in-law upstairs ! I have a dazed recollection of a leg 
 coming back to me after I had sent it round, and my feelings 
 then must have been something like those of the five thousand 
 when the miracle had been performed. 
 
 At another house I remember my hostess audibly whisper- 
 ing to her husband who was about to yield to the shame of 
 microscopic sections, rather than slices, "He can come again, 
 he can come again." 
 
 " Mr Horse-Pond," cried one of these hostesses to my 
 Sub-inspector, whose name is neither horse nor pond, " your 
 plate is very dry." And then to me, " How is Mrs Swinburne? 
 Are both the girls well ? " (I have two sons) " Let me see, 
 you take milk." Then an audible whisper to Mary, " from 
 the baby's bottle — never mind about straining it," — and thea 
 aloud to me, " We always have plenty of milk going here." 
 
 Painful too, is the hostess who when her husband is pro- 
 posing a list of drinks for my choice — his only idea being 
 that the one he offers is not strong enough — looks round the 
 side of the centre table plant, which is remote from me and 
 whispers, " My dear, don't tempt him." An abstemious 
 man in these days is apt to be credited with a past, and he 
 
118 STAYING OUT 
 
 finds his gift of temperance as much mistaken as a lady 
 I know did when everyone took her splendid set of natural 
 teeth, preserved to very old age — for false ones. 
 
 In Lancashire once my hostess murmured with an ex- 
 quisitely refined lisp, over the blancmange, " Will you take 
 some more mould ? Pray forgive my husband's Lancashire 
 brogue he actually called it ' shape,' just now." As I had 
 been, so to speak, biting the dust all my visit there, her name 
 for it was really suitable. Her charming little daughter 
 must of course find vent for a spoiled character in loquacity, 
 " Oh, mother, I did not know it was this beautiful shape 
 you were making in the kitchen this morning." This gave 
 the show away, but affectation in manner dies hard, and the 
 lady soon recovered. 
 
 But preserve me from houses where private lunatics are 
 taken. I remember one in Lancashire who used to cover 
 his face at meals and groan. He was not violent as a rule 
 I was told, and a little social intercourse might do him good. 
 Now I object to being turned into a sort of assistant lunatic 
 keeper. There was also a female decidedly peculiar. The 
 groan of that lunatic was not misplaced over such starvation 
 rations, and we all had our eyes riveted on the only hopeful 
 viand, some jam puffs, but alas ! we all came in bad seconds 
 to the peculiar one, who whisked them off almost before the 
 meat was finished ; for had they not come in her paper bag, 
 and were they not her private property ? The hostess, the 
 rector's maiden sister, who had a fat fox terrier half round 
 her neck like the lamb in Millais' picture of the shepherd, 
 is bewailing the misconduct of a male pupil teacher, 
 whose fault amounted to nothing more than having been 
 seen out in the dark accompanied by a female ditto. Just 
 as I am thinking what she (my hostess) and the peculiar 
 one, who cordially agrees with her, would both have given 
 to be similarly situated with a handsome curate on my left, 
 I was startled by a deep groan, which exactly expressed my 
 sentiments, from the lunatic on my right. 
 
 *' Nothing can prosper if this sort of thing goes on," add 
 the spinsters. Another sepulchral groan. 
 
 Is he a lunatic after all ? 
 
 Presently I think I am interesting the hostess — after all 
 she is not so bad, she can take in a good descrip " Jane, 
 
STAYING OUT 119 
 
 did Jack eat his dinner — all of it — (Forgive me, Mr Swinburne, 
 but it's my dog's first day of dining at six), and Jane, pour 
 Mr Colney-Hatch's left ginger beer into the bottle — don't 
 spill it, silly girl, and — put the shabbiest Bibles out for the 
 Mothers' Meeting — don't light a fire (it was January) lock 
 
 up the sideboard and bring me the " My hostess has 
 
 vanished. My graphic description has fallen to the floor — 
 stillborn ! Now I see the meaning of the limp string over 
 the corks of the ginger-beer bottles out of which the liquor 
 so tamely wobbles. 
 
 On another occasion the rector had told me not to wait 
 for him at lunch, but I did not expect a tcte a tfte with the 
 same lunatic, formidable through his height, size and strength, 
 coupled with rumours in the air of a recent violent outbreak. 
 There was no fear as long as Jane the parlour-maid stayed in 
 the room — though I wished he would not keep toying with 
 his knife — the blade of which, worn down to dagger shape, 
 had become shorter than the handle — but quite long enough 
 to make an end of me, as I could not help reflecting, especially 
 as I was hopelessly cooped up in an oriel window recess from 
 which his big body barred all escape. He had a most alarming 
 habit of remaining silent for what seemed like a quarter of 
 an hour — and then removing his hand from his brow, rising 
 to his feet, leaning over you and jerking out an answer with- 
 out looking up — when you had forgotten the question. In 
 reality when not in his moods, he was kind and courteous, 
 but alas ! I did not know it till afterwards. 
 
 At length the parlour-maid left us with the sweets, and 
 I faintly asked in the most conciliatory tones, " Will you 
 have some more tart ? " No reply — the tension momentarily 
 increasing to an unbearable point when suddenly he leapt 
 up with a " No, thank you," so loud and unexpected that 
 it all but sent me flying through the glass at my back, and 
 the rector entering at that moment found the perspiration 
 still on my brow. 
 
 Curiously enough some six months after, when calling on 
 the rector on school business, I was ushered into the drawing- 
 room into which in about five minutes a frock-coated and 
 middle-aged doctor-like individual was admitted. " Do 
 you like it here ? " he asked. " Oh, yes," I replied somewhat 
 surprised. " Are you quite comfortable ? " " Certainly," 
 
120 STAYING OUT 
 
 (somewhat coldly) and so on, until it became evident that lie 
 had mistaken me for the lunatic — a natural mistake my 
 readers will say — but so diverting to me that for the life of 
 me I could not resist the temptation of keeping it up as long 
 as possible, until the rector's roars of laughter exposed me — 
 to the discomfiture of my urbane companion whose first 
 visit it was. 
 
 On yet another occasion my escape was really a narrow 
 one. A curate had been " let out," after a year's confine- 
 ment for homicidal tendencies, on the (to my mind) idiotic 
 principle of sacrificing the good of the many to that of the 
 few, i.e. by letting loose on society persons who have once 
 betrayed such tendencies, forsooth, in the hope that it may 
 effect a cure. Dining with a neighbouring rector I met the 
 said curate, and his charming description of Oxford boat- 
 race days, Kegent Street shopping, the latest novels and 
 plays, etc. filled our hostess with pleasure, which she showed 
 so evidently that when she left us at dessert, the curate (to 
 the rector's and my amazement) rose and followed her. 
 Beyond this he betrayed no sign of erratic behaviour, except 
 perhaps playing with his dinner knife, which he somehow 
 managed to retain till dessert, and with the said knife in 
 hand, button-holing my dress coat on the hearthrug, just 
 before he left the room, when he whispered in a very strange 
 voice, " I have seen you in a fur coat ; I don't like fur coats." 
 He then strode out of the room and nothing more happened 
 that night, but in a few days' time he murdered his rector. 
 Next time I met the rector with whom I dined on that 
 occasion, he said, " You had a lucky escape, fortunately 
 for you you went off next morning, or it might have been 
 you." 
 
 Though appointed to continue in harness till the age of 
 sixty-five I had to retire at sixty-three. This was unreason- 
 able ; but the other extreme is worse, and the clergy go on 
 too long. One dear old man whom everybody loved, used 
 to tumble down like the tin soldiers I played with as a boy, 
 and as often as he fell I used as tenderly to replace him on 
 his feet. The wife long gone, the servant housekeeper rules, 
 and even his magisterial duties fail to draw him out at last. 
 
 The chest of drawers and the washstand in my room are 
 a sort of caper-sauce colour, the cheap iron bedstead has 
 
STAYING OUT 121 
 
 hard curtains that will not draw — stuffy and made of cheap 
 stuff — there is a screen more staring even than the staring 
 wall-paper — a sportsman deerstalking — a fat woman being 
 carried across a brook — Osmund Pasha with much saluting 
 and many becoming caps, etc., etc. Why do they fascinate 
 one's eye ? There is a faded Landseer's Newfoundland dog 
 in a maple frame, a wreath of colourless flowers, a youth 
 with a Byronic collar (both amateur efforts whose chief 
 value is in the unnecessary length of cord), a Christmas card 
 with a text and a missionary box, etc, etc. The room is 
 tidy ; but — you cannot say why — the one thing that room 
 lacks is — comfort. His sanctum is cosier, two old 'cellos 
 and a purring cat, with a neatly folded Times, the idols of 
 his solitude, help matters there, but the ivy-towered mis- 
 sionary boxes have found their way even there. A chunk 
 of East Anglian cod starts the dinner. Even the net it was 
 caught in would be less stringy ; and at least would have 
 some taste about it, even if it were only of the sea ; the 
 sauce is paste, blushing pink at its own deception. Then 
 beef olives. " Will I have some more stuffing ? " Though 
 I hate stuffing I assent, for stuffing that attempts to penetrate 
 such sinewy folds must be worth tasting. Then stewed 
 pears — ^what tree could produce such a pear ? Whence that 
 grit at the core ? The pallid yellow custard, made of custard 
 powder and seemingly bent on analysing itself back to the 
 component elements from which it never really departed, 
 almost finishes me. The dessert follows, looking like Museum 
 specimens of common or garden fruits. All the hardness 
 of the cod, the beef, and the pear live again in that lumpy 
 mattress ; and the church clock striking the hours almost 
 in my window, arrest my downward course as I glide all 
 night from a slippery height towards an almost carpetless 
 floor. 
 
 And now sing, muse, that terrible encounter when I had 
 to play the part of Jack the Giant-killer, but without his 
 courage and skill. 
 
 The Shotley peninsula, the lake district of Suffolk, where, 
 after so often seeing from dog-cart or motor the sun climb 
 above the mists of dawn, I have ceased to wonder either at 
 Anne Boleyn's love of Erwarten — where her heart was, by 
 her special request, deposited — or at the Greek fable of Ana- 
 
122 STAYING OUT 
 
 dyomene rising out of the sea — this peninsula has almost as 
 beautiful a northern neighbour, which may be called the 
 Fdixstowe peninsula. In this peninsula stands one of 
 the show-places of England. 
 
 Royalty used to honour its " shoots," and the distracted 
 clergyman at those times had to face the parents, who com- 
 plained that though they might not themselves have their 
 children to supplement their modest earnings, the millionaire 
 colonel might have them to brush, that is, to play the cheap 
 beater, when he pleased. " Was this England," etc. ? 
 " Why not lay the matter before him ? " I suggested; " he 
 is a perfect gentleman, just, enlightened, and good." " We 
 dare not. He might not take it well, and then — why — there 
 might not be one of us who could live on here." 
 
 Now I loved that parson — handsomer at eighty than most 
 men at forty are. He was one with whom to stay was an 
 education, social, moral, and religious — and so for him I 
 offered to beard the lion in his den. The rector took an 
 affectionate leave of me under the frowning Park gateway, 
 and after being led through many corridors, I found myself 
 face to face with a commanding figure — commanding even 
 in that vast morning gown of many colours — topped with 
 many folds of neck wraps. It was something to gain access 
 at all, and a.m. was not a good time for him, but I counted 
 on a surprise. So far well; but somehow I experienced in 
 that awful presence the terrified sensation which I felt at 
 the foot of Vesuvius which we had determined to ascend, 
 though " dangerously active " was the description of the 
 volcano in that day's newspaper. The ground burned under 
 my feet, but I could not meet the icy stare on that purple 
 face. " Well ? " was his first remark. " I know you love 
 justice," I began, " and your widespread reputation for equity 
 
 encourages me to " " For God's sake, tell me at once — 
 
 are you here to preach a sermon ? Have I not, Heaven ! 
 enough to bear with in the parsons — must even laymen — 
 
 will you — come — to the point — or " he moved towards 
 
 the bell. I anticipated him by moving in that direction. 
 
 " I was only trying to " " The point, the point," he 
 
 shouted. " Very well then, have it. The parents may not 
 have their children from school for work, and you may — for 
 pleasure. Is the law of England different to them and you ? " 
 
STAYING OUT 123 
 
 " Are we in Turkey ? " he roared. Never had I more 
 difficulty in suppressing the answer on my tongue, " Yes, and 
 you are the Sultan," but I did suppress it, and a lengthened 
 experience has always proved to me that one sentence un- 
 spoken is in the end more effectual than fifty spoken. 
 
 Another rush to the bell — also intercepted, " Do not 
 trouble to ring, I can let myself out." " Sit down. What 
 is your name ? Hand me that pen " (a quill with the nib 
 broad enough to be a brush). What awfully thick letters 
 he writes ! "I know all your heads at Whitehall (scribbling 
 furiously) ; is not tact one of the qualifications of H.M. in- 
 spector ? The Lord President dines with me to-morrow. 
 
 Have you a wife, children any other means of living ?" 
 
 " I have tried to do my duty — I am sorry if I have . . . 
 they were frightened to . . ." 
 
 Another rush at the bell, but my hand was on the door 
 handle, and with what was meant for a courteous bow I 
 was gone, though not to the hall door. My state of mind 
 was unequal to re-threading that maze. I was eventually 
 found by a shirt-sleeved footman in one of the pantries, my 
 heart beating like a bird's that has flown into a room and 
 cannot escape — visions of two starving sons mocking 
 my eyes. The parson met me open-armed ; but it was not 
 till next morning I could summon courage to fulfil my en- 
 gagement with the Colonel's astronomer (a kind and sympa- 
 thetic school manager) to look through that gigantic telescope 
 at the top of the observatory. On the parson's reiterated 
 assurance that the Colonel had gone to town (was it to the 
 Board of Education ?) I stole up, and after two delightful 
 hours descended the winding stair to have the current of 
 my veins frozen by a voice at the foot, " Who's up there ? 
 Is it you, Mr Glass ? " There was no other exit. Mr Glass 
 was far up — out of hearing. My step had betrayed me. 
 Another roar transfixed me with something of the feelings 
 a rabbit must experience when a ferret enters his burrow 
 and there is no bolt-hole available. Providence must have 
 intervened, for, why or wherefore to this day I know not, his 
 roar died away in the distance after the manner of a retreat- 
 ing lion, and I escaped. 
 
 Moral. The parson wrote me a few days after that all the 
 keepers had received strict orders, in the Colonel's own hand- 
 
124 STAYING OUT 
 
 writing, there was to be no more children brushing on any 
 account. Possibly the conciliatory suggestion, quite un- 
 heeded at the time, viz., that the shoots should be regarded 
 as gala-days, when a holiday might be given by the managers, 
 took effect after I left. 
 
 But to return to humbler homes. 
 
 When I need anything in some of the houses I visit I 
 hesitate to ring the bell, first, because punctuality cannot be 
 taught in a day, and secondly because I should probably 
 see a girl with a hole in her pinafore, which, like the holes in 
 my 'own stockings, always puts me into the bad temper of 
 a man who has been a failure. 
 
 All these years of patching and darning in the schools, 
 and I responsible, and yet these holes ! I have almost at 
 times gone so far as to wish the mushrooms at breakfast 
 were the toadstools they closely resemble that I might for 
 ever cease from visiting miseries — not the least of this world's 
 trials. However, in one house where I had no hot water, 
 and I had to shave, I looked for the bell. The hook was 
 there, but the rope was gone, and where the rope should 
 have been an amateur illumination confronted me : " Let 
 your requests be made known unto God." I could hardly 
 pray for shaving water, so I did without. 
 
 In another house, where Mosheim's " Principles of 
 Christianity" lay on the table and a piece of used soap was 
 in the soap-dish " Wash me and I shall be clean " was the wall 
 illumination, but there was no bath, nofc even under the bed. 
 
 In another house, over an awful enlarged photo of my 
 host's wife hung the scroll, " Cast thy burden on the Lord." 
 
 " Rejoice in the Lord always " is often to be found in lonely 
 houses, and I should not have a word to say if the occupants 
 even " imitated," to use a Suffolk expression, to be cheerful 
 and bright. 
 
 Raising my eyes in the dinmg-room, where the hostess 
 was abusing everybody and everything, and irritated by 
 the insolence of a spoiled child, I read, " As for me and my 
 house, etc." 
 
 Humility is a virtue, but there is no need to post up in the 
 dining-room, "Oh, wondrous power of Love Divine. ... It 
 . . . embraces even me." 
 
 An Exeter Hall old colonel once, in reply to a business 
 
STAYING OUT 125 
 
 letter, sent me a post card with the following lines printed 
 in the place generally occupied by the address : — 
 
 " That Thou shouldst love a wretch like me, 
 Yet be the God Thou art, 
 Is darkness to my intellect, 
 But sunshine to my heart." 
 
 I could hardly direct my reply to so long an address, and I 
 fully agree with the wonder in both cases, but I comfort 
 myself with the reflection that there " are many mansions," 
 and I hope I shall not share his. 
 
 If Christ is an " unseen Guest at every meal," the butter 
 need not be rancid, and when there are two oyster-shells 
 with tiny contents of minced meat for six persons, it is difficult 
 not to smile when one's eyes, raised in despair, light on the 
 text, " If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, it is now." Profanity 
 I abhor ; poverty I honour. One does not meet with that 
 kind of thing in a labourer's cottage. Fare may be cheap 
 but it can be good ; and may not cant and niggardliness 
 be reverently branded " abominations to the Lord " ? 
 
 In one house where for grant purposes I was almost roasted 
 alive with huge fires, to which the perspiring host and servants 
 were evidently quite unaccustomed, fresh from a huge text, 
 " Looking unto Jesus," I plunged into the rector's conversa- 
 tion. " I got quite near to the King," he told me, " almost 
 touched him, nearest I've ever been," and the whole house 
 may be said to smell of the upper ten thousand as some 
 houses do of upholstery. " Rest in the Lord " hung over 
 a most uncomfortable bed, and I could not help thinking, 
 " I certainly cannot rest here." " Warm our cold hearts," 
 in a morning room was incongruous enough with breakfast 
 unpunctual, chilly, and uninviting. 
 
 But far be it from me " to fault," if I may use a Suffolk 
 expression, anything that may ever do anybody any good. 
 I myself was helped by some lines I saw on a vicarage 
 staircase — 
 
 " Downward, ever downward falls the slope of sin, 
 Stopping isn't easy, therefore don't begin." 
 
 It reminded me of Spurgeon's famous object-lesson when he 
 slid down the banister of his platform to show the ease of the 
 
126 STAYING OUT 
 
 downward path, and climbed laboriously up tbe stairs to 
 show the arduous upward way. 
 
 In a rectory near Beccles, where the rector was a kinsman 
 of Nelson, I heard the lines — 
 
 " A fallow mind, like fallow field, 
 May after crop of increase yield, 
 And a wise indolence may be 
 
 The mother of new industry." 
 
 In another I read under a quaint picture of a Bible and 
 a plough, " Culture harmeth neither folk nor field." And 
 three scrolls in that model church at Kingsfield I quote from 
 memory : — • 
 
 " Who that is Living under the Sun, 
 Can shun the Lighting of the tongue ? 
 The better done the more envyed. 
 Yet of the best, the best are justifyed" — 
 
 " Abstine — contine — sustine " — 
 
 And— 
 
 "Disce mori." 
 
 For these seven are true phylacteries. 
 
 Can I ever forget the happy days I spent with one of the 
 great Arnold family, late rector of Eingsfield ? No man 
 was ever more lovable, and no man could hit harder, 
 whether it was when knocking his equally powerful son into 
 the rectory pond with a boxing glove, or when pommelling 
 a third giant, his neighbouring rector, over school matters. 
 They shared a school, but the entry of one was the signal 
 for the exit of the other — like the two figures in the ingenious 
 contrivance to forecast the weather. I often made a con- 
 gregation for him in his impressive daily services. Nor did 
 I need to fear the responses, as I did when at another church 
 the parson in a heavenly voice chanted the first verse of the 
 psalm, and there was no one but myself to answer. It 
 sounds nothing now, but that pause was most painful at the 
 time, and though my relief was not so great as Isaac's when 
 he saw the ram entangled, yet it was great when an equally 
 heavenly voice from behind me took up the chant. A curate 
 had stolen in unperceived. 
 
 There is also the kind but not cultured wife of another 
 kind and cultured rector. " Not tired of your monotonous 
 life yet ? " was her first remark to me. " You don't eat 
 
STAYING OUT 127 
 
 new bread, it doesn't sit well on your stomach ; I know it 
 didn't with me after my sixth son was born. I am afraid 
 there is only cold ham ; if I had only known you were coming 
 I would have had roast duck and peas, I know gentlemen 
 like them," etc. Heroes and saints would do well some- 
 times not to take their worshippers to the family table. 
 Perhaps that partly accounts for celibacy in the Church of 
 Rome. What hair-shirts, etc., etc., can touch the sufferings 
 of a married man with such a wife ? Just as he is giving 
 me a delightful description she breaks in from her perspira- 
 tion behind the steaming boiled beef, " Now don't talk but 
 'and 'im the greens." 
 
 One of the great Welldon's kinsmen, an octogenarian, but 
 active as a cat, startled me at his first dinner by quite a 
 barricade of cut decanters with all shades of excellent wine. 
 Peeping round the right side (I was his vis-h-vis), he asked 
 which wine would I take, and I politely declined. Instead of 
 that not uncommon look of a man who explains your refusal 
 by assuming that his wine is not good enough, he peeps round 
 the left side this time and to my great relief — who love not 
 to be a wet blanket — he says, " Neither do I take wine." 
 He afterwards made use of an expression which I treasure. 
 " I am an ascetic," he said (round the right end of the barri- 
 cade) " on Epicurean principles " (round the left). But the 
 best thing I remember about temperance was when, " hung 
 up " in my car on a pouring wet day, with only one desolate, 
 long, white-walled, green-ponded farm-house near, I craved 
 shelter and food there. The hostess and I each trying to 
 preach temperance to the other, were both caught in our own 
 nets, for while she busied herself preparing some black dish 
 of pork, I said (proudly holding up a transparent bottle 
 filled with water), " You need not trouble about the drink, 
 I carry my own." 
 
 She peered in three times through the smoke from a grate 
 that had not been used for six months before she summoned 
 courage to say, " You will pardon me asking, but may I hot 
 you some water to mix with it ? " 
 
 She mistook the contents of my bottle for gin and probably 
 expected to have me on her hands for the rest of the day. 
 
 The late Canon Hooke of Clopton told me how, at a meeting, 
 when he had informed his audience that he did once, when 
 
128 STAYING OUT 
 
 exhausted, drink a glass of brandy — only to feel more ex- 
 hausted — a hoarse voice shouted, " Yew should have taken 
 tew" — (two). And the hoarse voice re-appears in the ex- 
 perience of the Temperance Countess whose chief attraction 
 was certainly not to be found in her personal appearance. 
 
 " My friends, of all my happy evenings on this platform, 
 to-night is the happiest. My husband, never an extremist 
 either way, last night — oh ! the joy of it — signed the 
 pledge — I tear away the curtain of privacy — Do you 
 know what I did ? I rushed into his arms and kissed 
 him ! " 
 
 " Sarved him well right " — growled the hoarse voice. 
 
 My assistants in the old days used to exercise the minds 
 of managers a little, as to whether it was etiquette to ask 
 them with me. I have always of late years found my Sub- 
 inspectors charming companions, but I did once have a 
 Lancashire assistant who made strange remarks, e.g. : — 
 
 Host.—'' Have some claret, Mr W. ? " 
 
 " No thanks, not because I don't like the wine, bub because 
 I rarely " 
 
 Host. — " You are right I don't like it either." Again, 
 " Do you keep a cow, Mr W. ? " 
 
 " Well — there is no accommodation in my garden for a 
 cow." 1 
 
 Again, " Have some strawberries." 
 
 " No, thanks, when you can pick 'em and eat 'em I like 
 em. 
 
 " You have strawberries, then ? " 
 
 " Yes, good ones," with a glance at those on the table. 
 
 " The wind has changed, I think." 
 
 " Yes," in a most rechercM voice. " It has gone warmer." 
 
 " And how is Mrs W. ? " 
 
 " She still secretes bile," etc. 
 
 " Wine, Mr W. ? " 
 
 " No, thanks." 
 
 " Abstainer ? " 
 
 " Oh, no, but I won't take any of this wine." 
 
 But after all, I verily believe Mr W.'s half sulky silence 
 which seems to say, " Oh, go on, I know it's all lies," im- 
 presses folk much more than my efforts to make things 
 ^ He lived in a small house in a back street of a town. 
 
STAYING OUT 129 
 
 run smoothly. Of course Mr W. is quite unconscious of 
 any pain inflicted by his manner. 
 
 Lunching at a well-known show place, an ideal English 
 country home, in a pause, he grunts out to the squire, " I 
 suppose this is a kind of Hendon where they drive down, 
 'ave a drink, and drive back." 
 
 An example of British worship of royalty, as well as an 
 experience on my part of the host's side of an entertainment 
 to which " suthin' hangs " (as they say in Suffolk) may be seen 
 together in the following reminiscences — and more hung 
 to the visit of an H.M.I. , in Schedule days, than often hangs 
 to that of royalty. The peaceful breakfast in a noble- 
 man's seat, on one of the loveliest of Ireland's lovely bays, 
 was disturbed by a wire announcing a visit from the late 
 Duke of Teck, father of the present Queen, in two hours* 
 time. The earl being confined to his bed, the execution of 
 the Countess's commands devolved on me, the only guest. 
 And the first step was up the butler's narrow staircase to 
 see that ex-guardsman was perfectly shaved. A bewilder- 
 ment of visits to police for an escort, etc., etc., shopping, 
 uncovering plate, etc. were facilitated by the extraordinary 
 fervour which everyone showed as soon as they learnt the 
 cause. 
 
 Up, at last, drove the solemn cortege — just as at the very 
 last moment I had unearthed from the fat Peerage the correct 
 title, serene, not royal highness ; for it was about 1900. As 
 we glided into lunch the duke's son, a handsome well set-up 
 and charming youth of the Norfolk squire type, blew a kiss 
 at " Grandpapa," George III., which brought us to the senses 
 of which the genial and natural warmth of father and son 
 had almost bereft us. The solemn silence was then broken 
 by the loud explosion of a cork from a champagne bottle 
 on the sideboard. Even inanimate things had caught the 
 infection. Who would have dreamed that that plucky 
 bottle was the only one ; and that it had been opened once 
 already last night for dinner, and was only recorked ? For 
 in the wild rush there was no time to remedy the awful dis- 
 covery that there was no more champagne. I suppose, in 
 the millenium, servants will give one good notice when to 
 order fresh supplies. 
 
 Could it be royalty that whispered as the duke did to me, 
 
180 STAYING OUT 
 
 to remove the egg-plums lest he should finish the dish, and 
 then a story about the marriage of the late Baroness Burdett- 
 Coutts which like Swinburne the poet's genius " nascitur-sed 
 non fit " for publication. As we left lunch that fascinating 
 youth held up his hands with a "fie, fie " to screen his eyes 
 from some paintings rather lavish in their display of nudity. 
 The duke then fully appreciated the tapestry, miniatures, 
 etc. displaying no ordinary knowledge and intelligence in the 
 matter. Indeed he was one who would have won all hearts 
 in any rank of life ; and after gratefully kissing his hostess' 
 hand, before I knew it, he heartily clapped me on the back 
 with a very complimentary remark. In the privacy of these 
 pages I may say I thought that, had it been in the good old 
 days, I might have been knighted, which reminds me of the 
 Suffolk village cricketer who when asked what score he 
 made, replied, " I should have got forty, but I was ' bowelled * 
 the first ball." Alas ! there was a fly in my ointment, I 
 forgot the cigars. How much malice these royal hearts bore 
 may be shown by their lynx-eyed detection of me next week 
 on the Cork platform, cleverly as I had concealed myself 
 among the crowd. " You must travel with us," but alas I 
 was travelling on second from Cork, which once more re- 
 minded me of what their entire absence of any such idea had 
 obliterated, namely our different ranks. Those who abuse 
 royalty should know them. 
 
 But London hotels are not entirely devoid of drawbacks 
 in point of noise, food, vulgarity of brute wealth, etc. And 
 worst of all is the greed that boarding-houses bring to light. 
 The bottles with dirty napkins round their necks as if they 
 had sore throats, the lightning-like disappearance of the 
 contents of hot dishes, the rush to the gaunt, haggard, cold 
 joints as to cities of refuge, everybody trying to impress 
 everybody else by superior manners, but greediness every- 
 where the only genuine article. At one room in a seaside 
 boarding-house on a very hot day, when forty people were 
 packed into a dining-room built for twenty, it was my fate 
 to sit at the table crammed into an empty fireplace, in such 
 a way that the mantelshelf forced our noses forward over 
 a most powerful gorgonzola cheese. There was no room 
 to move it away, and while a female ogre at the next table 
 loudly descanted on how much better she had things at 
 
STAYING OUT 181 
 
 home, we waited, and waited well, which could not be said 
 of the waiters. At last, like a lifeboat battling with billows 
 of human greed, a female, bearing a plate with two halves 
 of a tomato and four small lettuce leaves, forced her way 
 through a sea of hands in a desperate effort to reach us, 
 whose patience had touched even her heart, for as she said 
 we were the only ones that didn't ask. This sort of thing 
 reconciles one even to the rectory where you are greeted with, 
 " Oh, you've come. I'm so sorry, but the bees have swarmed 
 in your bedroom and we cannot disturb them " ; or where 
 I am told about Johnnie's pimples, and how his papa had 
 them in just the same place, and " we all had to go to Ipswich 
 for the day," as if Ipswich was the centre of the planetary 
 system ; or where I (Mr Swinburne) am accosted with, " So 
 glad to meet you again, Mr Fussell, I remember you so well — 
 one never forgets a name like yours." 
 
 ': At a state dinnner given by a friend at Cambridge, when 
 eighteen guests were seated in a room about twenty-seven 
 by eighteen feet, with four maids to wait, the lift hitched at 
 the last moment. The host, mistaking the delirious cries 
 of the four maids for an announcement of dinner, set the 
 solemn procession in motion. The sight which greeted 
 the distinguished company as they entered was one of wild 
 confusion, and matters were not improved by the pet pug 
 which, seizing the carpenter's calf (his head was in the kitchen 
 flirting with the four maids), produced, in addition to his own 
 barking, a roar of " Take that infernal dog off," which came 
 from below. It was a case of " To your tents, Israel," 
 and a general scrimmage followed ; but it all came out right, 
 and the only other hitch occurred when I offered a grape- 
 skin at dessert to the fat pug, and was reprimanded by the 
 hostess, " We never give him the skins." 
 
 I have lunched one day with a farmer, the next day with 
 a sequestrated Irish parson without a stick of furniture save 
 the table (the big house supplying the viands), when the 
 pupil teacher in buttons tumbled with excitement into a 
 rich flood of cauliflower sauce which he had upset on the 
 bare dirty boards, and the third day in a carpenter's shop 
 with a shooting party ; but the lunch that touched me most 
 of all my many lunches came about as follows : — 
 
 At a certain sleepy hollow school inspection a noble lord, 
 
182 STAYING OUT 
 
 a magnificent agent, two plump farmers, and an equally 
 plump clergyman present, there was not so much as a sug- 
 gestion of hospitality and no inn near, and it was one o'clock. 
 There was not even a man to help me harness the mare in 
 the farmer's stables, whither a boy had conducted her. But 
 behold, among my rugs in the cart,i one creature kind and 
 pitiful — to wit — a hen, who clucked furiously as I disturbed 
 her in the act of laying me an egg in the cart. Inspectors 
 who go straight have, I suppose, some claim to be regarded 
 as sons of the Prophets, and so like Elijah to be fed by the 
 birds. 
 
 1 A farmer of the old school, when dog- carts were carts and farming 
 was farming, similarly found a turkey's nest in the straw that then 
 served as a mat. Care was taken not to disturb her, and when sitting 
 time came she accompanied her master to Ipswich, some five miles 
 distant, each market day, and, taking the excitement of town inn 
 stables quite philosophically, hatched out all her eggs in due course. 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 GENERAL 
 
 Had I then known on that steamer what I do after thirty- 
 five years, I might have felt that, enveloped in that white 
 sheet, and in the darkness of the night, I too was undergoing 
 initiation as knight errant — for the Fads in high places 
 bear a strong resemblance to the monsters of old — and in 
 protecting children, teachers, and managers from the ravages 
 of these — e.g. the percentage craze, whether in passes or 
 attendance, or the physical exercise mania, or twenty others. 
 H.M.I.s have stronger claims to be regarded as public 
 benefactors than they are generally supposed to have. As 
 a matter of fact they inspire an irrepressible suspicion or 
 dread — as I did to that Dutch sailor ; and the kinder they 
 are, the more snake-like they appear. An Englishman, 
 especially, dislikes anything inquisitorial, and their being 
 connected with Government does not help matters; and 
 most of the people in town and country being more or less 
 local, rather shrink from the purged vision of a wider flight. 
 
 For the present, gardening is the craze. Although swimming 
 and cookery, arts which are not known to the parents, pass 
 beyond all challenge, the need of putting gardening on the 
 rates is seriously open to question. While the theory em- 
 braces notes on humidity of the atmosphere, lists of Latin 
 names for weeds, etc., recommendations of " potassic 
 manures," glossaries — such as " impervious, a term applied 
 to clayey soils because it is difficult for water to percolate," 
 etc., the practice mainly consists in planting a few rows 
 of vegetables. Is it not a subtle introduction of the thin 
 edge of a wedge known as the farmer's opposition to education 
 — an opposition most natural ; for has he not been robbed 
 of those tempting morsels of cheap labour — the children ? 
 
 Exceptional schools, where the master is a gardener born, 
 
 133 
 
184 GENERAL 
 
 may profit, but as a rule the attempt is ludicrously beyond 
 the age and capacity of the children. Nous venous. The 
 Metfield School gardens were before the House of Commons 
 twenty years ago. It is a resuscitated fad. 
 
 To-day (1911) I saw children left to silent reading of a 
 manual on gardening. H.M. inspectors, for obvious reasons, 
 were not aUowed to write books for use in schools. The 
 temptation was too great. " Give them larnin'," said a 
 parent to me, '* and they'll pick up the rest." Should we 
 teach artists' children how to paint pictures at school ? — a 
 taste for reading will lead to the perusal of text-books in due 
 course. Is ifc not as with the opposition to the emancipation 
 of slaves, which died hard ? 
 
 Even if all Europe is temporarily blind, I still hold it unjust 
 for any man to fix the future occupation of the county lads ; 
 but rural children might leave school at eleven,^ provided 
 evening instruction were organised from October to March — 
 and this would satisfy all parties, for scores of farmers have 
 told me they do not want the children before that age. Are 
 the farmers who themselves cannot afiord to adequately 
 fence, manure, equip, plant, etc., their farms to be rated to 
 provide these luxuries for the labourer's child ? In game 
 counties ? Since hoes came in at the door, libraries have 
 flown out of the window. And think of the tool sheds ! Every 
 one agrees to reading being taught ; but reading without 
 school libraries is a truly British idea. You might as well 
 teach your children the use of teeth by a dry imitation instead 
 of real food. 
 
 The book on gardening is apt to be a cross between a book 
 to read and a manual — a failure at both, being neither good 
 sound literature nor serviceable text-book, just as the 
 geography manuals used to be — stones, rather than bread, 
 to the hungry children — and having the same effect on them 
 as a Bradshaw, sent to us by our library, for a book of travel, 
 would on us. By the way (at Bungay, not many years ago) 
 a Bradshaw was, even at the best shop, handed to a traveller 
 who asked for literature to while away some hours' delay, 
 and when I first came, there was no book shop — strictly 
 speaking — in Lowestoft. How imperfectly the names of 
 Bungay (the beautiful island), Beccles (Beata Ecclesia) 
 1 This was written before Mr Runciman's proposals (1911) were issued. 
 
GENERAL 135 
 
 represent tlie beauty of their generally accepted derivations. 
 An early June morning seen through the open bedroom 
 window of Father Flemming's home — an island of peace in an 
 island of beauty — is a joy for ever. "Go to Bungay " is 
 a saying in the United States — but alas ! it is only for a 
 certain kind of breeches. To resume. 
 
 Toy oi play gardens for those who care to have one are of 
 course admirable. 
 
 Some letters on school expeditions — a far more educational 
 idea — will be found in Appendix II. 
 
 I do not for a moment distrust the teachers ; but it is a 
 great temptation in out-of-the-way villages. One teacher told 
 me he regarded it as a valuable lesson in self-denial for the 
 children, if he appropriated the garden produce. Another 
 said ( when I read in the note-books, ' Planted the master's 
 peas,' etc.). : "It makes children grasping to pay them." 
 
 Apropos of the three K's. A parent, who very strongly 
 objected to his son being taught geography, burst into a 
 school while Mr Danby was conducting the inspection, and 
 so violently withdrew his son from the class which was being 
 examined in that subject, that the master followed his 
 antagonist in an argument to the porch, where Mr Danby 
 found both — divesting themselves of their coats in order 
 to settle the matter in truly British fashion. Mr Danby, 
 with that smile on his large prominent rodents, which 
 was all his own, descended upon them as a Heaven-sent 
 arbitrator. 
 
 *' My friends, why quarrel over a shadow ? If they do learn 
 geography they know nothing whatever about it — I'll stake 
 my reputation as an experienced examiner on that." The 
 hands of both fell and peace was restored. 
 
 Of course it is a very different matter when we come to 
 grammar as taught until recently. To thrust such barbarous 
 and arbitrary distinctions, couched in a foreign tongue, and 
 devised by mediaeval schoolmen, down the throats of children 
 whose vocabulary in their own language and homes is of the 
 smallest, is a mild species of atrocity, best described in the 
 little girl's answer to my question — 
 
 " What is a verb ? " 
 
 " Please, sir — to suffer." 
 
 " But what do you mean by suffer ? " 
 
136 GENERAL 
 
 " Please, sir, to be cruel to her." 
 
 To confine oneself to the three R's is like feeding — without 
 food ; but in grammar — they left before, so to speak, the 
 tune was reached — it was all scales. English is another 
 thing. Every squire and farmer would approve of sermons 
 in church ; but what use are sermons to hearers of whose 
 speech the following is a fair specimen ? — 
 
 " I don't improve of that boy's ways ; if he was mine I'd 
 send him to a Terriform." 
 
 A stone mason, preaching from a Nonconformist pulpit, 
 in the hearing of a friend of mine, began : "I shall divide 
 my sermon to-day into three catter-stroughs — catter- 
 strough (1), catter-strough (2), catter-strough (3)." "And," 
 muttered my friend, " it will be catter-strough (4) to have 
 to sit and listen to you." 
 
 Over-education ! It is under- education we have to fear. 
 The Scotch have had this education two hundred years — 
 and the kipper lasses, the northern smacksmen, the gardeners 
 (not to mention Scotch songs, Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman, 
 Mr Balfour, Lord Rosebery, etc.) are with us to show what 
 the Scotch people can do. 
 
 The bust of " Bobby Burns " is on the Scotch peasant's 
 piano. Whoever heard a Suffolk labourer quote Shakespeare ? 
 
 My father, passing Bannockburn on the box of the coach, 
 was nearly thrust off his seat by a dig in the ribs from the 
 elbow of a Scotch peasant, who occupied the next seat, of 
 whom he had asked — 
 
 " Let me see — what took place at Bannockburn ? " 
 
 " Dinna ye ken whar ye were leeked ? " roared his neighbour. 
 
 A stalwart agriculturalist I know in Suffolk, who is small in 
 nothing but the size of his farm, forms, so to speak, an oasis 
 of happy work and content in a desert of grumbling. After 
 an exhausting effort to amuse a village evening school with 
 humorous sketches from a gramophone, I felt rather like 
 the American showman whose fireworks would not go off 
 until he put them all together, and then " they did went off " 
 — and four of his fingers with them. 
 
 I heaped on the funniest, one after another — in vain. 
 At length the schoolmaster stole up to me and whispered — 
 
 " It's most kind of you, sir, but you'll pardon me if I take 
 a liberty. I think they'd like a comic one now." 
 
GENERAL , 137 
 
 Except to their own local talent, Suffolk audiences are 
 •ometimes terribly heavy. 
 
 Not to mention the immortal misapprehension of the 
 farmer, who, hearing the parson say that the commentators 
 disagreed with him, sent him a sack of very rare potatoes. 
 But there is hope. 
 
 Of course much of the unpopularity of extra subjects 
 is due to a faulty notion of what a child should be taught. 
 In history and geography the scholars were crammed with 
 so many facts which — " 'twere folly to remember, 'twere 
 wisdom to forget." ^ Furthermore, the poor, though ever 
 imitating the apparel of the bodies of those better off than 
 themselves, are slow to imitate the apparel of the mind — 
 even though it costs them nothing ! 
 
 A good deal of this state of things is due to the exodus 
 of the clergy from the schools, an exodus which began with 
 the small rural Board schools. After an inspection of one 
 of these small Board schools an inefficient Irish school- 
 master filled columns of the local paper with harrowing 
 descriptions of the little green graves in his village church- 
 yard. The late Mr Mundella wrote to me as follows : — 
 
 " ^th January 1883. 
 
 " Dear Sir, — Will you kindly inform me whether there is 
 any truth in the statement of Mr , that he would be dis- 
 missed and his certificate cancelled if he taught morals in his 
 school ? Perhaps you can throw some light on his bitter 
 attack upon the Department. — Yours faithfully, 
 
 "A. J. Mundella. 
 
 " A. J. Swinburne, Esq." 
 
 I did throw light — and threw my schoolmaster assailant 
 at the same time. 
 
 And the late Col. Barnes of Ipswich pursued me from the 
 ground-floor upwards in Poyle House, Norwich Road, with 
 a similar column — which I declined to read — until we reached 
 the attic, where, like a hunted creature, I had to yield. 
 
 ^ " Learn to use and not to be 
 A book on English History" — 
 
 is useful doggerel, and Dictionary, Geography or Poetry may be 
 read for "History." 
 
188 GENERAL 
 
 But oh ! how different were those digniiied days to the 
 times that be ! 
 
 Then we rightly ignored tittle-tattle ; now I believe it is 
 part of the duty of subordinate officials to watch for and 
 cull such vilely offensive matter. 
 
 Then we acted on the principle that if we went straight 
 and guarded our course with discretion, we need fear no 
 enemies ; and so we went strong. Nowadays that spirit 
 of weakness, which is characteristic of ill-founded autocracy 
 at the head, undermines the influence of the rank and file. 
 No real progress can thus be made. People soon find out 
 when reckless abuse and calumny cover inefficiency. It was 
 foreshadowed in Mr Mundella's letter. 
 
 An earnest and disappointed rector in one village told me 
 the schools were teaching immorality, but his churchwarden 
 added, " It is not the day school but the Sunday-school that 
 does it." — ^Non nostrum inter tantos. 
 
 But my experience of mixed schools tends to prove that 
 imagination paints a worse picture than the facts warrant. 
 The girls get used to the boys, and they go their own 
 ways. 
 
 Near London, at a high -class almost grown-up girls' school, 
 so eminently respectable that they drove to church on 
 Sundays in private omnibuses, I was told by a relative, who 
 was educated there, that they used to tuck notes furtively 
 into the lining of the music master's hat, left in the hall, 
 because they knew that article of apparel was similarly left 
 in the hall of the neighbouring equally eminently respectable 
 school for boys. 
 
 But on the other hand (see Archdeacon Lawrence's able 
 visitation charge at Saxmundham in May 1911) the clergy 
 have partly themselves to blame, for too many of them 
 neglected the opportunity when they had it. 
 
 In one school I found the mistress in tears because her 
 infants had answered the rector's Bible questions so indiffer- 
 ently. " I told him," she sobbed out to me, " that they are 
 always nervous of strangers " ; and he had been in the parish 
 for years ! 
 
 Nor do I think I should have suffered the shock I did once 
 at^Lowestoft had the parson been a more frequent visitor — 
 at least at religious instruction. 
 
GENERAL 189 
 
 Arriving in the last moments of the religious hour, I was 
 so struck by the beautiful sight before me — a tall, auburn- 
 haired school-mistress of faultless face and figure, and some 
 three hundred infants all on their knees in rapt devotion, that 
 I halted, the door handle still in my hand, to contemplate 
 more closely the scene lit up by that morning sun, in the 
 brightness of which Lowestoft, an East Anglian Venice, knows 
 few rivals. 
 
 " What manner of man ought H.M.I, himself to be," I 
 thought, " if such was the exemplary earnestness of those 
 it was his privilege to inspect ? " For the little ones' mouths 
 had perforce to be opened to allow of sufficient flesh for the 
 intensity of the closing of their eyes. 
 
 They were just at : 
 
 " Forgive — us — our — trespasses — " (in the mistress's pos- 
 sibly somewhat harsh voice — ) " Forgive — us — our — tres- 
 passes — " shrilly piped the rosy-faced youngsters. 
 
 Mistress — " As we forgive them that — " 
 
 Children — " As we forgive them that — " 
 
 And suddenly — to dispel my dream of the beauty'ot' holi- 
 ness and in a voice so unmistakably harsh this time, as to 
 positively hurt one — the mistress yelled — " Nicodemus 
 Obadiah Bugg, you've got one eye half open, I'll whack 
 you after school." 
 
 It wasn't so much the words ; it was the tone ! 
 
 On the other hand it needs some one more capable than 
 I am to chronicle the heroism of clergymen like the Kev. 
 C. Downton, who stood alone and fought for his Church, 
 nay, for Christianity, in a manner which recalled the Koyal 
 martyr whose monument is not only the stone cross, but 
 the custom^^still prevalent in the parish of Hoxne, viz., that 
 no married f couple may pass over the bridge where the re- 
 flection of the king's spur in the stream betrayed the king's 
 hiding-place. 
 
 In the first place, this parson, supported by Lady Bateman, 
 bravely fought the good fight of the accommodation. Other 
 names could be cited as having done likewise. Nor ought 
 those of Mary Lady ToUemache, the late Lady Caroline 
 Kerrison, and the Lady Constance Barne to be omitted — 
 all true friends of their schools. 
 
 The farmers who had rebelled against a Is. rate, after my 
 
140 GENERAL 
 
 explanation to them that a 4d. rate would suffice, instead of 
 heaping thanks upon me as I expected, coolly rejoined, 
 " But we don't want any rate at alV^ ; upon which occasion 
 I, pointing to the monument, said — 
 
 " Your king, years ago, endured to be shot to death with 
 arrows for his faith, and you will not even bear the pinprick 
 of a 4d. rate for the same." They thanked me. " They 
 had not thought of it so." 
 
 And, again, when that vicar, by the dismissal of a master, 
 brought down upon his unfortunate head the Black List 
 condemnation of a leading educational organ, so that for 
 six months he had to " hold the bridge," single handed, 
 until at last an excellent schoolmaster who could think and 
 act for himself, took pity on him, and from that time, many 
 years ago, till now, the school has from being a third-rate 
 institution attained the highest rank of efficiency. 
 
 I wonder whether a low standard of religion has anything 
 to do with the exceptional growth of that deadly poisoned 
 weed, if I may so call it, in Suffolk village life — scandal. 
 
 It has been my privilege personally to uproot — bit by bit 
 — several of these horrible tissues of lies, and I select one — 
 the selection being facilitated by the fact that most of them 
 are unfit for publication. Two of them fastened on clergy- 
 men — both of them the very last people in the world likely 
 to give just cause for such vile calumny. 
 
 Early one morning at a visit to a school, whose master 
 had long enjoyed the confidence of managers and parents, 
 I found dismay on all sides. Had I seen the managers ? 
 My two sub-inspectors being with me, we could expeditiously 
 look around to see if all was as we left it after our last excellent 
 report. Satisfied with our observations, I invited the 
 managers to meet us at twelve. 
 
 We met, and at my request faced certain aggrieved parents 
 whose complaints may be gathered from the following 
 summary — substantially accurate, as far as my memory 
 serves. 
 
 No. 1. — " They don't teach Hooclid and Halgebra." 
 
 H.M.I. — " It would be difficult to award higher praise to 
 an elementary school." Collapse of this recent importation 
 from a northern town. 
 
 No. 2. — " My boy aint larnin' anything about Canada." 
 
GENERAL 141 
 
 H.M.I. — " Another feather in the master's cap — the 
 year's course being Europe. Next man in, please." 
 
 No. 3. — " They don't fare to larn my son no thin' near 
 enough Grammar-like." 
 
 H.M.I. — " It has been my proud privilege to report year 
 after year against this cruel mediaeval ogre that feeds on 
 children's brains, though I respect people who can stand alone 
 — and I respect you for standing alone among parents — in 
 having a good word for it. But the code has put it beyond 
 controversy now." 
 
 " May I ask you," I continued, " if you realise what you 
 malcontents are doing ? The rumour, set rolling by your 
 complaints, may deprive an honest and efficient hard- worker 
 (the schoolmaster), a family man, of his bread and butter. 
 
 " What would you say, sir (addressing No. 3), if your 
 employers (I believe you are engaged in the engineering 
 department) were to discharge you to-morrow — forsooth, for 
 the sole reason that you could not cut out a lady's blouse ? " 
 
 A burst of laughter greeted this unfortunate remark — my 
 first stumble — for it happened that this particular man 
 could cut out ladies' garments. 
 
 No. 4. — " There aint no discipline, as I call it, and such 
 like." 
 
 H.M.I. — " No discipline ! I wish you could see other 
 schools. Perhaps you mean the children have not long faces 
 and are not trussed like fowls for cooking. It is one of the 
 few schools where I invariably find the teachers (head and 
 assistants) out in the playground with the children. No 
 school drill at the county exhibition ever elicited such warm 
 praise for the earnestness of the squad — and the distinguished 
 army colonel from Colchester told me he wished his men 
 had half the heart in it that they had ; and did it half as 
 well. ..." 
 
 The master was saved, and the managers, aways sensible 
 and well disposed, were satisfied. 
 
 Since writing this I hear the school highly distinguished 
 itself at the Norwich Agricultural Show, 1911. 
 
 I have heard of doctors who, in treating infectious cases, 
 have fatally contracted the malady themselves — may it 
 not be so with me in trying to treat a case of calumny ! but 
 on dit — or on did dit something about an application on the 
 
142 GENERAL 
 
 part of one of the malcontents to teach the school drill — 
 which was refused. Hinc illae. But of course this is only 
 hearsay, for the truth of which I in no way vouch. 
 
 One word more about the three R's. Ought not more to 
 be done to improve the taste as well as the faculty of reading ? 
 The Bishop of London well condemns " literary garbage," 
 and spending a Whit Monday among the old girls and boys 
 of elementary schools I was astonished to see the number 
 of trashy stories (not particularly clean of cover) produced 
 from pockets — when air and sea and land and sky in loveliest 
 of Junes (1911) combined to supply a spectacle sufficiently 
 absorbing. 
 
 To me it resembled persons who, at a charming play, 
 produce dry books to study. Surrounded by a world of 
 real natural beauty these readers seem, like ostriches, to 
 thrust their heads into some sensational novelist's fanciful 
 mind — an anything but desirable place to be in. Indeed 
 some novelists would hardly listen to their own characters 
 if they were in their company ; for they have to suit their 
 stories to the public palate, or they would never stoop so low. 
 
 Perhaps the most amusing were the many couples I 
 beheld, who, having the rare opportunity of making love" 
 ad libitum themselves — turned their backs on one another, 
 and were far, far away engrossed in other peoples' loves. 
 Well selected school libraries are the only practical solution. 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 SUFFOLK 
 
 The four years I spent in Lancashire were not eventful ones. 
 I was a young man then and rather an amusing incident 
 occurred when I arrived to take " Inspection " at a certain 
 school one day. 
 
 A Lancashire magnate, who had only recently settled in 
 the village, full of his responsibilities as county squire, rushed 
 into the school, and seeing me among the scholars and the 
 Inspector, as he supposed, at the teacher's desk, whispered 
 to me, whom he took to be the master, " Sorry I haven't 
 been in to see you before — very busy — can't stop — you 
 take him on till one — then I'll do my part — it shall be no 
 fault of the lunch if we get a bad report." 
 
 Another day, not knowing the family to be absent, I called 
 at a friend's house, where the most cordial of receptions was 
 always mine. A new butler opened the door. 
 
 " What name ? " 
 
 " Mr Swinburne ! " 
 
 " Well, you see, Mr Swindler, you might be an impostor 
 for all we know," he said, closing the door in my face. 
 
 The said butler, who had a predilection for taking the air 
 in his master's carriage accompanied by the cook and en grand 
 tenue (the coachman and the footman on the box), received, 
 together with these other choice spirits, notice to quit some 
 months later. 
 
 The only time I caught an R.C. priest tripping was in the 
 case of a schoolmistress' false registration. I had to carry 
 a revolver while conducting a house-to-house inquiry, the 
 Irish parents resenting an attack on the priest as on the 
 Almighty. 
 
 The story of " not hold enough " (p. 85) found a Suffolk 
 counterpart when a member of a small Suffolk Board, 
 
 113 
 
144 SUFFOLK 
 
 soliciting myfhelp in the choice of a mistress, added — " But 
 she must be over forty, sir, as the chairman is — well — ^yer 
 see, sir — he's a bit amorous like." 
 
 Amongst my most pleasant recollections of Wigan are 
 my visits to the rectory, the home of the late Canon, the 
 Hon. Orlando Bridgeman, which were as an oasis in a grimy 
 wilderness. 
 
 There was an incident the Canon used to describe so vividly 
 that one wondered if it had occurred in the annals of his 
 own family history. 
 
 Two men, a Cavalier and a Eoundhead, had a serious dispute. 
 They agreed to extinguish the candles and fight a duel with 
 pistols in the dark. The Cavalier, not wishing to kill his 
 opponent, thought the chimney the safest place into which 
 to discharge the contents of his weapon. The pistol shot 
 and a cry of agony were almost simultaneous ; the Puritan, 
 having decided to save not only his adversary's, but his own 
 life as well, had sought a fastness in the recesses of the 
 chimney. 
 
 In manufacturing centres, with machinery whirring night 
 and day, it is not strange that accidents might almost be 
 termed the rule, rather than the exception, and although 
 one becomes more or less inured to harrowing stories of 
 human suffering, a tragic accident that happened during 
 my sojourn at Wigan impressed me so painfully that it is 
 as fresh in my mind to-day, at a distance of thirty years, 
 as if it occurred but yesterday. 
 
 A little girl had taken her brother's dinner to a large cloth 
 mill. The boy was still at work, and the child, anxious to 
 see him, leaned over the shaft of a large wheel, one of the 
 terrible joints of which caught her pinafore and absorbed 
 her small body into the circle of the revolving monster's 
 ceaseless and relentless activity. 
 
 An anguished cry of " Jamie, Jamie " — the brother rushes 
 to help her but all that he retrieves is an insensible bundle 
 which he places in his father's arms. They both hasten 
 home, but when the mother relieves her husband of the 
 burden they discover that the head is gone. 
 
 That well-known story of two miners conveys a truer 
 idea of the Lancashire character than pages of psychological 
 analysis could. 
 
SUFFOLK 145 
 
 A collier visits a mate who is dying and strives in his 
 primitive fashion to cheer him with the prospect that he 
 has of becoming an angel. 
 
 " Shall I have wings ? " came faintly from the bed. 
 
 " Wilt thee too if thee coom there ? " 
 
 "Eh, mon " — with a momentary renewal of life — " I'll 
 fly thee for a sovereign. Is it a match ? " 
 
 My wife's health Iiaving caused me to petition to be re- 
 moved to Suffolk, my wish was kindly granted, and I have 
 never regretted that migration. Northerners are warm- 
 hearted and hospitable, but the spirit they vaunt so loudly 
 as independence manifests itself not unfrequently in a 
 rawness of manner that amounts to insolence. The wheels 
 of life are better oiled in the pleasanter surroundings of 
 Suffolk where the native is of a naturally courteous turn 
 of mind. 
 
 The moorland strip stretching between Felixstowe and 
 Sandringham, some ten miles inland, is canopied by a bluer 
 sky and carpeted by a dryer soil during a longer period of 
 the year than any other part of England. Although this 
 soil is geologically akin to that of Bournemouth, the air 
 makes that of the favourite health resort seem faint and 
 languid in comparison. Visitors who have seen Suffolk 
 from the window of a railway carriage can have but an 
 inadequate idea of the charm of that moorland strip, parts 
 of which the Ordnance Map so well dubs " Little Scotland," 
 " New delight, etc., and at both ends of which royalty has 
 chosen a residence — Edward III. at Felixstowe, Edward VII. 
 at Sandringham. Full many a Tintern-like structure, full 
 many a glorious old church furnish additional proof of the 
 appreciation of bygone generations. 
 
 And who can read untouched that history written in stone ? 
 
 Silent those crumbling Abbeys stand — emblems of Love — 
 where Lucre (some perhaps from within, but certainly far 
 more from without) " broke through and stole." All Peace 
 and Beauty still — though in their decay — even to the eyes 
 that cannot see — while the eyes that can see are saddened 
 by the hideousness of some neighbouring " Non-con-chapel " 
 whose doctrine and ugliness (like two sour-visaged but well- 
 
146 SUFFOLK 
 
 meaning old maid sisters) " keep the village pond from 
 being idle." The italicised words are not mine ; but those 
 of a well-known, respected, and experienced country doctor, 
 who declared the village pond to be a water Moloch for weak 
 flesh still weaker through a doctrine of despair. An ex- 
 aggeration, of course ; but there is something in it. A 
 pitying glance above the few trees that cluster close about 
 them like faithful retainers — those ruins seem to cast at the 
 impoverished vicarage, the semi-lighthouse life of which cries 
 aloud for some system of brotherhoods, to save the savour 
 of the salt — a savour too often liable to fall " sick unto 
 death ; " or at a church with roof (so to speak) banged down 
 over its eyes, to save in height (as village school boards 
 have been known to brick up sunny windows to save blinds), 
 or at the degenerate descendant of one of their own old 
 churches — now thatched h la barn — or at interiors, damp, 
 cold, and bare, where richest hangings, ornaments, and pictures 
 used to bring home to the hearts of the country side that 
 Religion is not Death but Life. 
 
 " They knew not what they did " is the spirit breathed 
 by those noble relics of the past, as they gauntly face, 
 over the tree tops, the turrets and gables of neighbouring 
 mansions which recall the minster's own old glory — and 
 its plundering ! 
 
 The luxury and pomp are still with us ; but cannot cases 
 be found where these modern social shrines are less mind- 
 ful of the peasant than of the pheasant ? The commentator, 
 Mr Denton, told me that rural life of England has never 
 before or since been what it was in the fourteenth century. 
 Barn-owls flapping silent wings over chancels converted 
 to barns ! They " parted His garments," " casting lots " 
 and priceless vestments, besides priceless libraries were lost 
 under the dice-box. I calculate that a sum sufficient to pay 
 the whole poor-rate of to-day found its way to pockets that 
 were anything but poor. The rebellions of the cottage world 
 that followed on the discovery of the true state of affairs 
 came too late. 
 
 Still soar those windowless gables to giddy heights — an 
 ensign far seen and hollow-eyed. Poor ruin ! but after all 
 what is good enough for the Master is good enough for the 
 man. Was not He too ciowded out to a stable ? He, too, 
 
SUFFOLK 147 
 
 lacked even a fox's shelter; and if the chief corner-stone 
 was despised and sold, well may your walls be haggled over 
 to mend roads — by rural boards, whose lack of enthusiasm 
 is sometimes such that it occurs to one how much better it 
 would be for the roads (and for the world in general) if, by 
 some humane device, the skinflint material their hearts are 
 made of could be utilized for that purpose instead. Sinking 
 imperceptibly, year by year, but sinking ever 1 — while the 
 gilly -flowers that cling with canine fidelity, in spite of beggarly 
 sustenance, lovingly spread out their little leaves, all the 
 long winter through, as if, at least, to keep some of the 
 weather out. Lower and lower, yet lasting marvellously 
 well, alone in the silence of the heart of the country-side, 
 those ruins somehow recall the lines of Byron that made 
 another ruin in stone (the dying gladiator) live again — and 
 live for ever — 
 
 " And his droop'd head sinks gradually low." 
 
 Did not the Eoman monks and friars " fight the good fight," 
 for one thousand years, as valiantly as any Eoman gladiator ? 
 Take heart again, the same hard worldliness made your 
 Master bow His head, and die. All forsook Him and fled ; 
 as all but the wall-flowers have forsaken you. But the end 
 is yet to come — and my ancestor, John Swinburne, one of 
 the principal leaders in the Northern Eebellion of 1569, and 
 his faithful kinsmen, and many another, may after all be 
 right when, laymen as they were, they sacrificed all for 
 their faith ; and their descendants, thus impoverished, may 
 yet be rich in the wealth that neither corrupts nor is corrupted. 
 From the blood of seeming failure spring Victory's strongest 
 shoots. 1 
 
 ^ An age of private war and private castles — compared with which 
 the worst trials under our squirearchy are matter for congratulation — 
 and when men said, " Christ and His Apostles are gone to sleep " — gave 
 birth to monasteries — a heaven-sent blessing to the land. The mediaeval 
 nobles and landed gentry who, though their queen (bloody (?) Mary) 
 offered to give them a nobler lead than " Good Queen Bess " could ever 
 bring herself even to dream of, hugged stolen pelf. — Protestant light ? 
 Where are the rural libraries now that then dotted England from end 
 to end ? I write feelingly — having founded a county library, and paying 
 as owner great tithes on land which belonged to the Priory at Snape — 
 all, of course, in a small way. The Swinburnes were always " muni- 
 
148 SUFFOLK 
 
 But to resume. There is no lack of shrewdness in the 
 Sufiolk peasant, and silly Suffolk is an equally misleading 
 expression, whether it means stupid or holy (selig). 
 
 A story is told of a relative of Lord Henniker in the 
 Boer War, who, when in command of the 2nd Life Guards, 
 while galloping past with important despatches, was sur- 
 prised to see a troop of " Suffolks " encamped near the 
 road. 
 
 " What are you doing here ? " he shouted to the sergeant. 
 
 " I doen now," replied the sergeant. 
 
 " What are your instructions ? " 
 
 " I doen now." 
 
 " How long are you staying here ? " 
 
 " I doen now." 
 
 Swallowing his wrath and forcing himself to be amicably 
 argumentative, " Do you know who I am ? " asked the colonel ; 
 " just think what this might lead to — why, you might have 
 shot ME for a spy." 
 
 " That just what I was a goen to dew," was the quiet 
 reply of the sergeant, who was not going to be pumped any- 
 more than the boy who, in reply to an inquisitive passer- 
 by, had asked, " Whose pigs are those, boy ? " shouted 
 " Maister's." 
 
 " Of course, but who is your master ? " 
 
 " That old sow — dew what I can I can't keep her in 
 this here field." 
 
 Or another who, in reply to a passing stranger in a dogcart 
 who had asked — 
 
 " Whose sheep are those ? " answered — 
 
 " I doan't now that I'm fooced to tell yew." 
 
 ficent patrons " of the monasteries. My cousin, Charles Alfred Swin- 
 burne, little thought he was keeping up the old, old family ways when re- 
 cently he bequeathed some £50,000 to the Margate Sea-bathing Hospital. 
 Hospital is but Hospitium again — a relic of those centres of Light and 
 Love — though, alas ! philanthropy is but a part, twice blessed, of 
 Religion. The nobleman who decked his porter's lodges with the stately 
 remains of the neighbouring abbey might at least have spared one 
 insult more — by according them a more distinguished place. Bishop 
 Welldon says Parliament is " omnipotent to disendow." Bishops made 
 similar monstrous assertions about certain kings of old. But surely 
 their omnipotence would be more justly utilized in restoring stolen 
 Church property than in stealing more, and that, property, to which 
 the owners have exceptionally sacred rights. 
 
SUFFOLK 149 
 
 Their knowledge, however, of any things beyond their 
 village is startlingly small. 
 
 At the time when the struggle between Russia and Japan 
 had reached its climax and become the absorbing topic of 
 the whole world, a Suffolk labourer, off work, accosted a 
 friend engaged in digging : " Bad news from the war, Bor." 
 
 " Whose a'fightin' then ? " 
 
 " Why, them Rooshans and Japanese." 
 
 " Oh, they're a'fightin' are they ? " (pausing from his work). 
 
 " Oh yes, they're a'fightin' like Billyo ! " 
 
 " Are they, though ? " 
 
 " Yes, that they are." 
 
 " Well," after placidly scanning the horizon and resuming 
 his work, " they've got a nice day for it, anyhow." 
 
 An aged keeper under a neighbouring landowner, years 
 ago, simply could not speak for knowingness. All he could 
 do was to point over both shoulders with his thumbs. At 
 last I discovered his meaning — I was to plant broom in an 
 open place — to harbour game — and it was against his em- 
 ployer's interest. How kind of him, I thought, till a final 
 revelation was vouchsafed — " Would I buy a dorg ? " With 
 the simplicity of " we are seven," and though I assured him I 
 did not want one, he would repeat — "If yew can find a 
 single white hair in him — at any date — I'll give yew back 
 the money. 
 
 " Black as a coal," he muttered reproachfully as he left, 
 taking the dorg with him. 
 
 Anxious to impress my man with the inferiority of my 
 potatoes to those grown by the boys in their school garden, 
 I drove him some 15 miles to convince him by ocular demon- 
 stration. The only effect produced on him by the splendid 
 crop was the remark, " Now do you just but think, if the 
 disease was to break out, what a sight of jobs it 'ud have 
 here." 
 
 When filling in the agricultural returns, I asked the 
 same man how many pigs I had. He answered " Thirty- 
 three," then, thinking it was a tax, he added, " I shouldn't 
 say zactly thirty-three, 'cos some of 'em might die." 
 
 Nor are the Suffolkers devoid of wit. The following repartee 
 is a proof of it. At an evening school inspection at Butley 
 I was shown a wooden musical instrument which the school- 
 
150 SUFFOLK 
 
 master proudly informed me one of the lads had made out 
 of his own head. 
 
 " Out of your own head ! " I inquired, smiling at the lad, 
 who was blushing with pleasure. 
 
 " Yes, and he's got enough there to make another," said 
 an envious fellow-student. 
 
 A Suffolk girl, aot. 13, was asked by her Sunday-school 
 teacher — 
 
 " King Pharaoh's daughter found the little baby Moses 
 in the bulrushes, didn't she ? " 
 
 " She said so, miss." 
 
 Another Sunday-school teacher, wishing to make her 
 question clear, asked a girl, who came after, instead of 
 who succeeded Solomon. 
 
 The girl replied in a voice which reproached her teacher for 
 touching on such subjects — 
 
 " The Queen of Sheba, miss." 
 
 An examiner asking a class why the shepherd who had 
 the ninety-nine should trouble to go after the one, received 
 the reply from a shepherd's boy, " Please, sir, it must have 
 been the tup." 
 
 After a lucid explanation of the same parable, the grey 
 bearded Diocesan Inspector says, " Well, my dear children, 
 we all know, do we not, who the Shepherd is, and you are 
 the sheep, are you not ? " 
 
 " Yaas." 
 
 " Then where do you suppose I come in ? " 
 
 Shepherd's boy, after a pause, thoughtfully, " You must 
 be the ole tup." 
 
 I myself was victimized in an interview with a small farmer 
 whose home adjoined land which I owned some distance away. 
 
 " Your things," I called out to him across the fence of the 
 meadows in question, " are always on my land." 
 
 "No, sir, they ain't. They tells yew lies." 
 
 " What ! your geese were in here all day — only yesterday." 
 
 " It is false." 
 
 " False ! How can you ? — Why, look behind you — actually 
 a goose coming on now — under our very eyes — Look." 
 
 "Ah, yes — that's a very different thing — ^that goose see 
 YEW on the land — that goose is lonely." 
 
 " It's plain as daylight why she's a comin' now — she's just 
 
SUFFOLK 151 
 
 a-comin' for company like. ... If it hadn't bin for yew 
 a beein' there, that goose would never have corned." 
 
 Insult on injury; though I daresay quite unconscious — 
 but I kept my temper — not in the sense in which the police- 
 man took the words when I climbed into the window. 
 
 On another occasion when I reproached him with taking 
 a gate off its hinges to let his " white horse " into my meadow — 
 
 " Excuse me, sir," he said, " let's speak the truth, it's 
 a grey pony.'^ 
 
 A dealer, trying to buy a pig at a price below the proper 
 one, begged my man to take the money round to the missus 
 and let her look at it. 
 
 My colleague told me that upon his complimenting a police- 
 man for his tender treatment of a manacled criminal, he 
 received the reply, " Half killed his wife " ; which reminds me 
 of a stalwart constable^ who was giving me a detailed account 
 of a recent burglary, where the police had surrounded the house 
 where a desperate leader of the gang had taken refuge. 
 
 " And so you rushed in to arrest him," I asked, surveying 
 his muscular form with approval. 
 
 " Not I, sir, I've not been in the service all these years 
 without learning something better than that. I might 
 have done it in my first year, and deprived the country of a 
 valuable officer; I carefully kept outside." 
 
 Delightful as Suffolk is — its peasantry display an intelli- 
 gence that comes from keen observation rather than from 
 books — and there is room for improvement so far.^ Strangest 
 of all they do not always know the birds they live amongst. 
 I have heard a green woodpecker called a woodsniper and a 
 woodcock. Even the common chaffinch's note can rarely 
 be identified by them. But what about Londoners — when 
 you dig below the surface ? 
 
 1 Eighty years ago my wife's grandfather, brother of the famous Bishop 
 of London, on moving from Bury St Edmunds to an Oxfordshire village, 
 pronounced the latter 100 years behind the times, and the neighbouring 
 Buckinghamshire villages as 200 years so ; and my experience in several 
 counties (England, Scotland and Ireland) bears out the fact that the 
 intelligence in SufiEolk villages is superior to that in many other 
 counties. To call the children stupid argues stupidity. The love of 
 flowers, the neatness and the courtesy of the SufiEolk peasantry are 
 partly due to a time when monasteries and mansion's were numerous, 
 and intervals of iorest rare. 
 
152 SUFFOLK 
 
 A Suffolk woman wlien shown a valuable carving of the 
 twelve apostles evinced the liveliest interest. 
 
 " That chap," she cried, " comes from Benhall. These two 
 from Wickham market ; I know 'em well. There's two on 
 'em from Franningham, there's two or three I can't call 
 to mind, but, triumphantly, that's the schoolmaster from 
 Ash. But there now, deary me, I can't see any one on 
 'em from Saxmundham." 
 
 A labourer who worked for me when the Home Eule craze 
 was at its height told me that he was distracted as to which 
 way he should vote. 
 
 " Some saay it's there — some saay it ain't, but some one 
 must have been there to see it ; there wouldn't have been 
 all this talk about a place that warn't there, he should 
 sartenly vote that that island was there." 
 
 At the usual orgie round the death-bed, one woman re- 
 marked, " Come away, she'll soon be in Beelzebub's bosom." 
 
 Hush, Martha, warned a shocked voice from amongst 
 the crowd of gloaters, " that ain't the gentleman's name." 
 
 A farmer who had been taught to respond properly and 
 had emigrated to a village where the service was conducted 
 in a bygone fashion, was astonished to have his fervent 
 responses broken in upon by the clerk who asked him in an 
 aggrieved voice — 
 
 " Now, farmer Jones, bay it you or bay it I ? " 
 
 Collapse of farmer Jones. 
 
 Cross-questioned by an official as to the denomination to 
 which she belonged, a Suffolk woman seemed to have no 
 idea of what he meant. 
 
 " I don't foller yer," she said. 
 
 " Well, are you church ? " he asked. 
 
 She shook her head. 
 
 " Chapel ? " Another shake. 
 
 " Roman Catholic, perhaps." 
 
 To this she replied most emphatically, " No." 
 
 " Well, you must know what you are. What do they 
 call you ? " 
 
 " They dew call me a hyypo-crite." 
 
 Conceit is one of the curses of village life which affords 
 no means of comparison. A father and mother are wild 
 with delight at the effect of their son in territorial uniform. 
 
SUFFOLK 153 
 
 Their paeans in Ms praise become a nuisance to the village ; 
 they positively must have a frolic and see him march from 
 Ipswich. They wait hours, entertaining their immediate 
 neighbours in the crowd to long and intimate details of 
 their son's extraordinary prowess. At length his corps, 
 marching to the sound of music, appears. " There never was 
 a smarter lad, there, there, there he is, pointing to a youth 
 obviously out of step. You see he's the only one in step 
 out of the whole lot." 
 
 This reminds me of the Suffolk pupil-teacher's father who 
 proudly told me " My son passed second in the exam. He 
 knows as much as the first — and a leetle more.'''' 
 
 The Framlingham woman, whose daughter was going to 
 service in New Zealand, in reply to a friend who commiserated 
 her on the distance to travel, explained that her daughter 
 was breaking the journey by sleeping a night at the village 
 of Dennington (2 miles from Framlingham). And the 
 Fressingfield man who on crossing the Waveney en route 
 for Cromer, whither he was migrating, waved his hand, 
 murmuring the while, " Farewell old England, no more 
 tay, no more corfee ! " 
 
 Apropos of Fressingfield, the home of the famous Bancroft, 
 the following extract from an old directory of the counties 
 of England is too delicious an illustration of the parable 
 of the beam and the mote to omit. 
 
 " Upon this he (Sancroft) retired to Freshingfield in Sussex, 
 where he spent the remainder of his days in laying out his 
 money in the best manner he could to enrich his relations, 
 and died in 1693. 
 
 '^Our fidelity in giving a true and impartial relation of 
 events to the public, calls upon us in this place to take 
 notice of a strange mistake in a late author. 
 
 ",He tells us that Dr Sancroft was born at Freshingfield 
 in Surrey, whereas had he either consulted the " Biographica 
 Britannica " or the life of that prelate published in 1758, he 
 nmst have been convinced of his own mistake. Indeed 
 there is no such place as Freshingfield in Surrey ; but the 
 mistakes of modern British travellers are so numerous that 
 we are not able in the compass of this work to mention them 
 all, nor have we ever taken notice of them but when necessity 
 to undeceive our readers laid us under the obligation." And 
 
154 SUFFOLK 
 
 all the while he himself spelt and located the Suffolk village 
 wrongly, and it is the more amusing because, although he 
 had only three pages for a country, he found room for this 
 lengthy digression in order to unveil the delinquency of a 
 fellow- writer. 
 
 Finding my old Suffolk coachman's temperature had 
 reached 103, I insisted on his going to bed at once. He 
 recovered from the influenza, but not from the shock of 
 having a clinical thermometer in his mouth. " The master 
 meant it kindly," he told people, " but I have never been the 
 same man since that thing was put in my mouth." On 
 another occasion he hoped that the man who prevented 
 barbed wire would never prevent anything else. 
 
 An old man was about to be married when his future 
 bride died suddenly. He took the blow with philosophic 
 calm, telling the clergymen, " I've been spared the marrying 
 expenses, and that's summat, and I've been spared the bury- 
 ing expenses, and that's summat — the Lord moves in a 
 mysterious way." 
 
 Apropos of cant — a form of ignorance. After lunch at 
 a Suffolk rectory I was entertained by the parson's wife and 
 daughter. The latter having first sung a Moody and Sankey's 
 hymn to melt the hardness of my heart, the former continued 
 the process by sympathetic inquiries concerning my wife's 
 state of body and mind. After it had been elicited from me 
 that the lady was an invalid, the daughter, Janet, was dis- 
 patched to fetch a tract. Before she was half-way up the 
 stairs, however, further inquiries having elicited from me 
 that my wife was a confirmed invalid, the rector's wife 
 absolutely broke off her conversation with me, to call to 
 her daughter. 
 
 " Not the second long drawer, Janet, but the little top 
 
 drawer, Mrs 's case is clearly one for the little top drawer." 
 
 On arriving home I read out to my wife something of this 
 sort — 
 
 " Sick one, you are not well ! 
 So was Jonas Moore ; 
 You think you will recover — 
 
 So DID HE. 
 
 But he did not — he died ! 
 etc., etc. 
 
SUFFOLK 155 
 
 This was certainly not calculated to hearten invalids, 
 but as a matter of fact the hearty laugh my wife enjoyed 
 did her good. 
 
 The Suffolk people are more enamoured of politeness than 
 truth. There is an old Suffolk adage, " None but a child or 
 drunken man tells the truth" — the former because he knows no 
 better, the latter because he has lost the power of self-control. 
 
 An old woman was remonstrated with by her parson for 
 bowing at the name of the devil, " Well, you see, your Kever- 
 ence, civility costs nothing, and you never can tell what 
 will happen." 
 
 Eecently alighting from a London motor bus, I asked the 
 very polite conductor if he came from Suffolk. " No," he 
 replied, but he called after me with the sweetest of smiles, 
 " my father and mother did." 
 
 The late rector of Wilby, on whose hand, thrust out of 
 his study window, a wild robin used to settle and feed, told 
 me of an instance when a mother and son contradicted 
 one another, and he quoted the mother to the son. 
 
 The son replied, " Lawks, you must not pay a mite o' 
 regard to what them meetiners say." 
 
 A Suffolk man of whom I hired a dogcart once remarked 
 to me, " Them chapel folk can't even tell a lie without leaving 
 a hole to crawl out of." 
 
 A landlord, annoyed with the frequent broken promises 
 of a tenant to pay his rent, complained to the said tenant's 
 man, " I wish your master would keep his promises ? do 
 you think he is fit to preach." " Not preach," said the 
 man proudly, " why, he's the champion liar for twenty miles 
 round." 
 
 Yet one more example of their politeness. A curate told 
 me of a deaf woman whom he was teaching, and who to 
 his inquiry, " Can you hear ? " replied, " Can't hear a 
 word, deary, but yew go on ! " 
 
 And of course parish clerks furnish instances of the 
 disastrous use of ambitious language. 
 
 "Be sure and show this lady the antependium " — whereupon 
 the clerk conducted her to what he called the pandemonium. 
 
 Another, when rebuked by his rector for reading out, 
 " Praise him in his name of J. A. H.," replied, " I al 
 thought that was the gentleman's initials." 
 
156 SUFFOLK 
 
 And lastly, there was tlie clerk who, up to quite late in life, 
 always read out the first line of the hymn, " Saviour, bless us 
 — 'ere we go " — 'ere for here. 
 
 Mispronunciation of words is often exceedingly comic; 
 there are the ambitious mistakes made by the somewhat 
 educated, and the quite charming words which the simple 
 rustic coins rather than mispronounces. Belonging to the 
 former are the utterances of a farmer's wife who, most anxious 
 to be correct, invariably said, "Is it not ? did he not ? have 
 they not ? and so on. Pointing to an old picture, she remarked, 
 " This is my chief 'ances-TOR ' and he was a ' bache-LOR.' " 
 
 " Do you approve of farming children ? " inquired a 
 tenant farmer of his new landlord. " Certainly not," said 
 the squire gravely 
 
 " I'm so glad, I thought you wouldn't hold with their 
 dressing in white and taking the sins off the godfathers and 
 godmothers — and sich like." 
 
 But Londoners meet their match. "'Your potatoes look 
 well," said one, over the hedge. "Yees," was the reply. 
 " How do you do it ? " " Way I've got of my own." " How 
 interesting ; what is it ? " 
 
 " These injuns are extra strong. These 'ere 'taters are 
 extra full of eyes. Now I alius plant them 'twixt and 
 between, and when the dry weather comes, my injuns, being 
 extra strong, make them there 'taters' eyes water. So they 
 alius water theirselves." 
 
 "This would be a sad world," remarked an aged female 
 peasant, "if it were not for the blessed hope of immorality 
 in the next." 
 
 " Look at her capacity, wrote the teacher of an unsuccessful 
 teacher to her mother in explanation of the girl's low place 
 on the class list (examination). 
 
 " Buy her a new one," wrote back the mother, " and her 
 father will pay for it." 
 
 The country squire, Charles II. used to say, resembles 
 a ship in the river until he gets in the great world, where he 
 appears like a ship at sea. This is sometimes true still. 
 
 A certain honourable, who was anxious to secure a living 
 for a friend, visited a big pompous City Company, in whose 
 gift the appointment was. 
 
 " Who are you ? " they asked. 
 
SUFFOLK 157 
 
 "I did not wish," she afterwards told me, "to give 
 myself airs, so I said, — ^a parishioner.'" 
 
 " Vague," was their only response. 
 
 " An hon'rable," stiffly added the lady. To her great 
 astonishment^ the second reply elicited no more enthusiasm 
 than the first had. 
 
 She felt compelled to use what she considered her trump 
 card. 
 
 " My brother-in-law is Lord ! " 
 
 The committee put their heads together, and their spokes- 
 man coldly announced the result — 
 
 " Never heard of him." 
 
 The lady's candidate was not successful. 
 
 I close the chapter with an epistle from a Suffolk village 
 lassie — why she addressed it from the church is a mystery 
 not yet solved by the clergyman who handed it to me — and 
 with one more story. 
 
 " Church. 
 
 " To Eev. . Sir, — I wish to be marred Wedensday 
 
 next march 15th at 2 o'clock in the afternoon — I am your 
 faithfully— Miss Eliza ." 
 
 And it was a Suffolk woman who, at last, after a tramp 
 which, to her sick husband, seemed interminable, returned 
 with a labelled bottle — the label with difficulty deciphered, 
 and then not understood : — " To be taken in a recumbent 
 posture." '^ Go and ask the neighbours what it means," he 
 groaned. Five women, door after door, didn't "now" ; the 
 sixth, out of the top window, for the benefit of the others, 
 " Of course, I now — and I've got one — but I've lent it." 
 
CHAPTEK XIII 
 
 PERSONAL 
 
 Again I ask — Was the niglit on the foul steamboat, when 
 I was wrapped in white, my vigil for the knight errantry 
 which really, though rarely so recognised, constitutes a 
 leading part of the duties of H.M. inspectors of schools ? 
 
 At a large public meeting at Ipswich in 1910, a well-known 
 squire and a vicar compared H.M.I, to a " buffer " and a 
 " peacemaker " respectively ; and even his enemies will 
 admit a resemblance to Don Quixote, when with his hired 
 Rosinante, he tilts at windbags, if not windmills. 
 
 It was bad enough when Red Tape confined its head- 
 quarters to Whitehall ; but now that every county has its 
 own establishment it is almost hopeless for the single lance 
 of a helping H.M.I. , who is, after all, but flesh and blood — 
 and barely that — being, in fact, little more than flesh-clad 
 code. 
 
 When, at the expiration of thirty-five years of service, 
 and at the age of 63, I was refused an extension of a year, 
 though appointed on the understanding that my time would 
 expire at 65, I was told by one who knew that I went the 
 wrong way to work. I suppose the education committee 
 did not support my appeal to Whitehall. The fact is, the 
 late chairman had tried to force my hand in reporting on a 
 voluntary school ; and as his hard work and generosity, 
 which no one appreciates more than I do, had naturally 
 won the hearts of his committee and officials, I knew any 
 attempt to solicit their support as a committee was doomed 
 to failure — though a large majority signed in my behalf, 
 privately. As keen on efficiency as the said chairman was, 
 I could not harry managers who had recently spent large 
 sums and were quite willing to meet all requirements in 
 reasonable time, and when he dictated a report for me in 
 
 158 
 
PERSONAL 159 
 
 anything but a suggestive spirit (to say the least of it), I 
 was obliged to inform him as politely as I could that I 
 declined to surrender an independence as dearly prized by 
 H.M. inspectors of schools as by English judges. Perhaps 
 it was because the teachers signed the memorial. But are 
 not teachers British citizens ? Would they not be allowed 
 to sign — even in Siam — nay, which is worse, even if the 
 Minister of Education were a Kadical ? And, of course, if 
 all the teachers signed, it would form a a very small pro- 
 portion of twelve thousand. 
 
 For thirty-five years, so to speak, on all fours, I had 
 scrubbed at my district floor till gradually every part shone 
 clean, one after another the most obstinate patches of in- 
 efficiency having disappeared.^ Increased grants flowed_in, 
 and the county was materially benefited. But when the 
 new L.E.A. played the proverbial broom in the matter of 
 fresh or enlarged accommodation, I laid a hand upon that 
 broom handle, and without loss of efficiency (as the L.E.A. 
 themselves afterwards admitted), saved the county an un- 
 necessary expenditure of the kind generally known as 
 " municipal," a term that has yet to reach its full measure 
 of destestation, for its hand has not yet done with other 
 people's pockets. 
 
 A petition signed by 12,000 of the most influential people 
 in East Suffolk — and it might have been doubled — was sub- 
 mitted by a Kadical M.P., on my behalf, to Whitehall. The 
 president for the time being (Mr Kunciman), after throwing 
 cold water on the plea of popularity, curtly refused. It was 
 the cruellest of all cruel insinuations ever levelled at me, 
 who have practically gone through much more than my 
 share of hot water, so that others may taste the refreshing 
 delights of efficiency, and have rather hammered into people 
 any merits that I have, than wheedled them by miserably 
 yielding to the weakness they themselves have been the 
 first to thank me for shaking them out of — as soon as the pain 
 was over. 
 
 Of course my friends comforted me — " You are but getting 
 what you gave when you began your career " ; but I never 
 
 1 1 could refer to twenty living clergymen to prove it, but, alas ! the 
 Conservatives had out-Radicalled Radicals by practically ejecting the 
 clergy from their schools. 
 
160 PERSONAL 
 
 caused the retirement of a single zealous teacher, however 
 different his methods to mine. More solid comfort is to be 
 derived from the conviction that, had it rested with managers 
 and teachers, the people who knew me best, the decision would 
 have been reversed. 
 
 But as the Conservatives had out-radicalled the Eadicals, 
 I was sorely tempted to lift up my voice in an exceedingly 
 bitter cry like Horatio's, " A plague upon both your houses," 
 or like Lord C. Beresford's protest against Mr Runciman's 
 predecessor, Mr M'Kenna, and when Punch refers to Lord 
 Kitchener's case, as an example of how we reward our great 
 men, I am assured that far better men than I have suffered. 
 
 I quote from the letter of a distinguished colonel : — 
 
 " Uh March 1910. 
 
 *' Dear Mr Swinburne, — I see by the East Anglian you are 
 retiring from an ungrateful service. Red tape government 
 departments do not want men of ideas and always rid them- 
 selves of them when they can do so without odium. In your 
 case the odium has been risked. ..." 
 
 And yet the present administration had honoured me by 
 admitting that my view had been the right one in the case of 
 Lowestoft. 
 
 Years ago my chief, Mr Synge, with whom I had many a 
 delightful round at golf, strongly condemned the Lowestoft 
 school structures. 
 
 Compared with what they originally were, they were 
 splendid, but he never saw them as they originally were. 
 
 Nevertheless I loyally set to work to carry out his instruc- 
 tions, beginning at the worst cases, in two of which I proved 
 by actual figures to the conference at Whitehall that the 
 Black Hole of Calcutta provided a more liberal allowance 
 of space to its suffocated victims than one of these over- 
 crowded classrooms, and that the Nabob would certainly 
 not have failed to get " the grant," had there been one, 
 and had he applied for it. Nevertheless there was an appeal 
 to parliament, Mr Synge being (alas !) abroad. The late 
 Mr Sharpe was sent instead. Mr Sharpe's first question 
 sealed my doom. " What time do they light the gas ? " 
 Gas in Lowestoft schools ! 
 
PERSONAL 161 
 
 He began by telling the rector not to be jealous of H.M.I. 
 So far he ran with the hare, but all the rest of the way he 
 was in the thick of the hounds. When I drew attention to 
 the clause in the instructions which bore on overcrowding, 
 he laughed, and in the presence of the managers said, 
 " That clause is not worth the paper it's written on — I wrote 
 it." This before managers ! Of course I was over-ruled ; 
 but when at Whitehall I described my feelings as those of a 
 Mohammedan who hears his pet bits of the Koran ridiculed 
 in the presence of the unbelievers, Mr Acland, the then 
 president, and Sir G. Kekewich laughed so heartily, and spoke 
 so kindly to me, that I was not surprised to receive from 
 Mr Sharpe a short epistle a week after, informing me that 
 our intercourse must cease from the date of that letter. 
 
 I have received love-letters in my time, but none ever 
 afforded me more profound pleasure than that one. And 
 that I won a moral victory is proved by the managers having 
 since gradually carried out all the improvements I sug- 
 gested. Furthermore few inspectors have had the honour to 
 receive, several years after (1909), a semi-official statement 
 in black and white from the then chief. " Everything I 
 saw confirms me in the conclusion I have always held, and I 
 am not singular in holding it, that you were right and the 
 Board were wrong on the occasion on which you tried to get 
 some vile premises condemned." 
 
 Those who have suffered and eventually triumphed will, 
 in view of the former pain, forgive the latter pleasure, and 
 pardon this piece of egotism. 
 
 But alas, that pendulum ! Now it swings too far the other 
 way. Even people of limited means pay heavily to spend 
 a few weeks on those Lowestoft cliffs, rising from those 
 Lowestoft Denes, facing the morning sun, swept by some 
 of the finest air in the world, and well watered and drained, 
 in short an ideal playground for all England. Yet the two 
 schools on that cliff are condemned, largely for want of 
 playgrounds ! About 200 yards away, along quiet ways, 
 stretch the loveliest of Denes ! But Ked Tape pines for that 
 melancholy prison-like yard called a playground, too small 
 for organised games, spiking oneself not yet being regarded 
 as a sport, however much spiking other things is. 
 
 I once had an assistant who was of all phonetic fanatics 
 
162 PERSONAL 
 
 the most fanatic. Had angels from heaven read to him he 
 would have condemned the reading, unless founded on 
 phonetics. 
 
 Nevertheless this officer more than once assured me that 
 the attainments of the Suffolk county schools would shame 
 that of many towns, being above those of the London schools 
 he had inspected. 
 
 A county rector once, finding me single-handed, suggested 
 his son's giving out dictation for me. I did not want his 
 help, but purely out of courtesy and kindness I consented. 
 His father that evening wrote to the board saying, " My 
 son's name having been long on the list for inspectorship, 
 and the need of more help being proved by your inspector 
 to-day having solicited the help of my son, I granted it and 
 now consider myself entitled to expect an early appointment," 
 etc., etc. 
 
 Mr Cumin's letter to me, with my Woodbridge experience, 
 were the nearest approach I ever had to a reprimand. 
 
 In the case of the latter, probably through Mr Fitzgerald, 
 my questions found their way to Punch, to which I have 
 had the rare experience of contributing objectively as well 
 as subjectively. Let me explain. Four questions were 
 generally set in a card, three straightforward and easy, 
 one for the benefit of the " ladder " boy who means to climb 
 to the University, in other words, a question demanding 
 an uncrammable reply. 
 
 The list of questions in Punch conveys a wrong impression. 
 They were the difficult ones at the end of each set of four 
 questions — the questions marked No. 4 in each card — picked 
 out and grouped together as if on one card. I quote from 
 Punch : — 
 
 "The Three E.'s in East Suffolk ' 
 
 The Ipswich Journal gives some specimens of the questions 
 put by one of Her Majesty's School Inspectors in East 
 Suffolk. Like the Great Panjandrum at the Barber's 
 Wedding, Mr A. J. Swinburne, H.M.I. , seems to have 
 amused himself by playing at the game of ' Catch-as-catch- 
 can ' with the East- Anglian adolescents, who, if they tripped 
 not over his educational traps and pitfalls, must have been 
 as wary as well informed. 
 
PERSONAL 168 
 
 ' Ships are said to be lost on the Downs, and sheep are 
 fattened on the Downs — where and what are the Downs ? ' 
 
 Here the Great Panjandrum was decidedly ' down on ' 
 the Suffolk students, and it is ,to be hoped they were downy 
 enough to dodge his clever conundrum. Perhaps H.M.I. 
 thinks the Three K.'s ought to be supplemented by a fourth — 
 Eiddles. Here are a few more of his artful posers — 
 
 ' What right has India to be called the Pearl of the British 
 Crown ? ' 
 
 ' If you wished to buy a great lot of crockery-ware whole- 
 sale for a large firm, where would you go to ? ' 
 
 ' If a gentleman goes to Holyhead, Harwich, or Folke- 
 stone, what place would he most likely be going to sail to ? ' 
 
 ' Why is it light sooner in Suffolk than in Cornwall ? ' 
 
 The latter question is for ' Age 8, Standard II.' We 
 hope the youthful encyclopaedist to whom it was put, being, 
 happily, ' more than seven,' hit upon what is obviously the 
 right answer ; viz., ' Owing to the shining in the former 
 happy county of a special local luminary in the person of 
 the Great Panjandrum of School Inspectors.' " 
 
 However real the pain I may have experienced from the 
 refusal to extend my time may be, it can never blind me to 
 the cordial relations which, throughout, subsisted between 
 my employers and myself. 
 
 For some thirty years I used to watch the list of H.M. 
 Inspectors in Whitaker with even more than the time- 
 honoured Jack's interest in his beanstalk. 
 
 Steadily my name rose, and annually I drew my wife's 
 attention, as Jack his mother's, to the rising bean plant. 
 Picture my indignation when, on opening, not long ago, my 
 new Whitaker, I found that my name, which was close to 
 the summit when last I looked, now by one fell swoop lay 
 close to the bottom of the list. That list had been made 
 alphabetical ; and the change was no superficial one. I 
 think this was one of the cruellest disappointments in my 
 official career. 
 
 Senility is one thing, seniority another, and seniority is 
 not affected by changes of the Pharaoh. Like many another 
 
164 PERSONAL 
 
 veteran, whose vigour had been well preserved, in addition 
 to my personal chagrin, I felt that my experience was a 
 valuable asset to my employers ; and I am still convinced 
 that in such cases the loss is the master's and the country's 
 rather than the dismissed servant's, when raw juniors, 
 however talented, are recklessly thrust up. Anyhow they 
 might have let the list stand, on their democratic principles. 
 
 Under Sir Francis Sandford, Sir P. Cumin, and Sir G. 
 Kekewich, besides my chiefs, Messrs Scott Coward, Fitch, 
 Synge, Currey, Eankine, Jackson, Holmes, no man ever had 
 a happier time than I. 
 
 To account for Sir George's final animosity against the 
 clergy is a problem beyond my powers of solution. I know 
 they loved him in those days, as I did and do, and every 
 one who heard his famous remark at Saxmundham, " If 
 any man is a friend of education he is my friend," loved him 
 too. I don't think there was a public man in England better 
 loved. No visits of London officials to a country district 
 ever did so much good to education as his. 
 
 Town people, when they cry up the bloodless official who 
 never appears except through the printer's devil, little 
 realize the needs of country teachers. Schools are not, and 
 never will be, like roads, post offices, workhouses, sewers, 
 and so forth. Schools have to do with flesh and blood, and 
 young flesh and blood ; and if they are numbered and ticketed, 
 like convicts, England will feel it, and once more the biter 
 will be bitten. 
 
 In 1903 a colleague wrote to me — 
 
 " I look upon Jackson's appointment as a scandal ; but 
 nothing surprises me nowadays. The Education Act is a 
 big leap in the dark ; and these appointments are minor 
 leaps in the dark. Heaven only knows how it will all work 
 out." 
 
 But even the Board of Education soon saw its mistake, 
 and Mr C. Jackson left Whitehall. 
 
 I had expected to have to fix my Inspections at 6 a.m. at 
 the latest, and to have to ride bare-back to schools, a la 
 Australia, when Mr C. Jackson was appointed ; but I 
 found him a kind and true friend, and his encouraging 
 
PERSONAL 165 
 
 remark about the Prize Scheme came like sunshine between 
 cruel storms. " It's dogged as does it," he wrote to me. 
 
 In 1905 one of the ablest of our H.M.I. 's, who, I am told, 
 but for his threatening legal action, would have had to 
 retire before his time, wrote to me : — 
 
 '' 22/10/1905. 
 
 " And so you liked the conference. Has a change come 
 over the aspect of affairs or are we only being lubricated 
 for further deglutination ? " 
 
 And again, " Cheer up, merit must have its reward." 
 
 Had I been my own butler or gamekeeper I should scarcely 
 have been refused the modest request of one year's extension 
 after thirty-five years of faithful discharge of duty, made 
 by all East Suffolk, except a possibly jealous clique. But 
 there was a bright side too, e.g. Mary, Duchess of Hamilton 
 (to mention one of many), wished, I was informed by the 
 teacher who solicited her signature, that she had two names, 
 so as to sign them both to the petition for Mr Swinburne's 
 extension of service. And there were many other kind 
 things said and done. I myself was sorrowfully informed 
 by a leading Eadical politician that it was not with Radicals 
 as it was with other bodies of men, e.g. Conservatives, 
 for whereas the Conservative leaders pulled together, it was 
 quite a different thing the other side, where every one pulled 
 a different way ! I expect he knew. But no doubt the 
 President takes the natural view that he too is on all fours 
 scrubbing away the inspectorial dirt, and judging by some 
 of the specimens I some years ago saw at a conference, 
 the distinction between " senile " and " senior " had been 
 suffered to lapse, and his scrubbing was not unnecessary, 
 though I felt I was not a dirty spot to need it. So perhaps 
 it is all for the best. 
 
 Not having committed a crime I cannot well publish my 
 photo in a newspaper ; but anyone who wishes may see 
 me, and if he pronounces me senile, even now at sixty-five, I 
 will re-consider the position. After all, it's very pleasant to 
 carry with one into one's retirement one's best faculties 
 and vigour ; and I enjoy, of course, my full pension. 
 
 Apropos of the Gorst Period, I was highly complimented 
 by Sir George Kekewich when I stood alone in protesting 
 
166 PERSONAL 
 
 against a precipitate summons of all the outdoor staff to 
 Whitehall, without any agenda paper. 
 
 I said, in my speech, that I too highly valued the hearing 
 always readily conceded to me by my colleagues, to risk 
 it by remarks on the spur of the moment ; and in this case 
 it was left to Messrs Cusack to inform me, by an advertising 
 circular that morning, that the object of the conference was 
 to meet our new head, Sir J. Gorst. 
 
 Sir George whispered that it was the very thing they 
 wanted said. 
 
 Democracy seems to work itself out in a multiplication of 
 minor tyrants; one big one would be preferable, for then 
 there would be an appeal to one trained to govern instead 
 of to a heterogeneous conglomeration of conflicting interests. 
 The climbing demagogues and leaders are too busy with 
 their own rise ; and if they were not, they have neither the 
 knowledge nor the training to qualify them to control the 
 permanent officials under their presidentship. Worse still, 
 if they attempt, for then it is a case of the gardener on the 
 coachman's box, — poor horses' mouths ! 
 
 It was about April 1911, curiously enough the very month 
 to which my extension would have reached had it been 
 granted, that, after perusal of the Holmes-circular episode 
 I fell asleep and dreamed. 
 
 Of all his colleagues his oldest friend, I saw again that 
 mother's face, as she bent over him fifty years ago at Merchant 
 Taylors' School — a face the gentle, refined, tender expression 
 of which his life has so faithfully reflected — I saw again the 
 Yorkshire moors, which we in early manhood used to explore 
 together, and felt again the giddy helplessness from which his 
 steady hand delivered me, on a cliff as steep as any Swiss one, 
 when I was half-way down, unable to stir either way. I 
 heard again his voice, as over thirty years ago, in our im- 
 provised unofficial conferences at Southport and elsewhere, 
 we exhausted the patience of the most patient of hosts by 
 extending far into the night the educational discussions 
 started in the early morning. And again I listened to him 
 when as chief inspector his visits to Suffolk cheered myself 
 and Mr Steele and Mr Hunt, stimulating to renewed exertion — 
 all this I saw and heard, and it suddenly changed into a 
 parliamentary scene, in which my own grievances were 
 
PERSONAL 16T 
 
 speedily forgotten as I contemplated the pitiable figure cut 
 by Mr Runciman, who seemed to be cowering like a hunted 
 creature at the mercy of both sides of the house. 
 
 Mr Kellaway (L., Bedford). — Is it not a fact that this 
 practice of issuing secret and confidential circulars applies 
 entirely to the period since the appointment of the present 
 Chief Secretary of the Education Department, and did not 
 exist during the time of his predecessor ? 
 
 Mr Runciman. — I should like to have notice of that question. 
 My present information does not accord with that of my 
 hon. friend. Communications are always passing between 
 the board and its servants of a confidential character. 
 
 Lord A. Thynne (U., Bath). — Is it not a fact that the 
 circular was submitted for the right hon. gentleman's approval 
 before issue, and that the fact that he did not peruse it before 
 it was issued is not due to any fault of any permanent official? 
 
 Mr Runciman. — No, sir ; the circular was not submitted 
 to me for approval before issue. I have stated over and 
 over again that the circular was printed and distributed 
 imder the sanction given by the Permanent Secretary and 
 with the concurrence of the author of the memorandum. 
 
 " The scene was changed." It was the mighty gathering 
 of the " nutters," ^ and newspaper cuttings were falling 
 like a heavy snowstorm Here are four picked up and read 
 before they melted away : — 
 
 " Mr Pickles said that Sir Robert Morant's chief intellectual 
 excitement consisted in constructing hypotheses of mistrust. 
 It was an accepted maxim of government that a Minister 
 should either back his officials or sack them, and it was there- 
 fore for Mr Runciman to deal with the position in his own 
 way. The latest circular was the revelation of a policy of 
 Machiavellian subtlety. The circular was untrue, unjust, 
 and malicious in effect. Mr Holmes had written things of 
 which he ought to be, and probably was, thoroughly ashamed. 
 Now, 70,000 teachers would no longer submit to such pro- 
 cedure. Sir Robert Morant was not the only one at the 
 Board of Education who had shown the class taint. The 
 best university men would not countenance this snobbish- 
 ness. Until these problems were solved the board would 
 1 N. U. T. = National Union of Teachers. 
 
168 PERSONAL 
 
 continue to lack the confidence of the teachers and of the 
 public, and Mr Eunciman would endanger a reputation from 
 which much had been expected. Influence was still the golden 
 key to every place and position. The teachers were tired 
 of their forty years' wandering in the wilderness. Draconian 
 measures were needed at the board — the dry rot of officialdom 
 must be uptorn. The last remnant of bureaucratic despotism 
 must be removed (cheers)." . . . Mr J. W. Bunn said that 
 it would add to the gaiety of nations if they could have the 
 present educational comic opera printed. . . . and then 
 I thought I heard the voice of one of the Parliamentary 
 leaders howling in an Educational wilderness. For, in the 
 House of Commons, teachers are as one-eyed men leading 
 the blind. ..." But the action of the union is not being 
 directed against Mr Holmes. The circular was but the 
 indiscreet publication and expression of the spirit and system 
 of the administration of the Board of Education, which 
 the teachers have long known to be harmful, not only to 
 themselves, but also to the general public. ... It is not a 
 question of teachers alone, but the future of the children 
 in their training. Continual requests are made to the teachers 
 to teach Civics and Citizenship, and this they do with pleasure 
 and earnestness, but citizenship demands a free and open 
 career for talent, irrespective of social class. . . . That 
 little group of officials who now throttle the progress of 
 national education shall not longer disgrace the chambers 
 of Whitehall (loud cheers). . . . Teachers would never rest 
 until they had broken down this system, whereby Govern- 
 ment clerks could mismanage, worry, traduce, and put to 
 endless trouble the real workers in the schools ; whereby 
 social prestige and patronage were placed in front of the 
 advance of the boys and girls and young men and women 
 who owed their education to the elementary teachers (cheers)." 
 . . . Moreover, I heard a female voice from Lowestoft: — " An 
 example of the policy pursued by chief permanent officers 
 of the Board during the last nine years in particular ; proving 
 it to be but one part of a whole admxinistrative system, in- 
 tended to discredit schools, scholars, teachers, and inspectors 
 not belonging to a certain social class "... and I found 
 myself muttering, " and this — to their best friend, too." 
 For no inspector ever loved teachers better than Mr Holmes 
 
PERSONAL 169 
 
 did — and their once unstinted Hosannahs in his praise had so 
 quickly changed — almost to Crucifixion point. In my dream 
 I seemed to hear again teacher after teacher's heartfelt prayer 
 — " Leave us not in the hands of one of ourselves — they are 
 so hard on us." But the fagot is not as the single stick — 
 and the loudest voices in conferences are not from those who 
 carry the most weight at home. 
 
 In my dream I climbed again the stairs of Whitehall, for 
 rural inspectors are lost to view behind the glamour of the 
 Metropolitan clique — and somehow a Siamese . juggernaut 
 seemed to be crushing meritorious officials, and Toynbee 
 Hall to be turning into Whitehall, while one tall, handsome, 
 frock-coated and generally delightful young, newly-appointed 
 officer whispered to me mockingly : — 
 
 " To have been loved of the old Pharaoh is to be unloved 
 by the new. . . . Come from Winchester School and sit on 
 some one's door step, and you will be sure of £200 a year " 
 — and he vanished and I was in the midst of chattering shades 
 of the giant H.M.I.'s of yore who crowded round the late 
 Mr King while he groaned over " spiritual weakness in high 
 places," and murmurs in which I could distinguish a few 
 words here and there, such as : — " grind all our bones to 
 powder," " hopeless autocracy," died out as the spectres 
 were lost in darkness. Meanwhile I beheld better men 
 than I can ever hope even to imitate, being ruthlessly thrust 
 into pits, like Joseph, by their brethren with a huge majority 
 at their backs ; and in my dream I seemed to be suddenly 
 making a speech to them. " After all," I said, " you have 
 not to drink the hemlock, as a better man even than you 
 did ; and think of the extreme wing of the democratic views 
 that are ousting you — and what they are doing — think of 
 the poor nuns and priests in the recent Portuguese revolution, 
 shot at, like rats, by the brothers of the very people they had 
 befriended. Mr Lloyd- George, at Mile End, coolly laid the 
 blame of that spoliation on the aristocracy — but it was a 
 very great advance for him to have to allow at all that the 
 monasteries were the friends of the sick and poor. And we 
 must be thankful for that. 
 
 " Yes. Mile End ! The scene of Wat Tyler's murderous 
 assault on the Law and the Church — whose heads they cut off 
 — an assault which has not even yet lost its foul savour — being 
 
170 PERSONAL 
 
 indeed the seed of many a bitter fruit that has yet to be 
 digested, for the revolutionary doctrines now preached at 
 chapels are nothing more nor less than the seeds sown by 
 Calvin long ago — for only the religious half of Calvinism 
 is dead. The only speeches I remember, whose brilliance 
 and self-deceiving earnestness can compare with those of 
 the Mile End one, are the old attacks on the same Church 
 and Lords at Birmingham, by him, who made all England 
 tremble with the very denunciation which he himself would 
 now be the loudest in all England to denounce. Labour 
 means well enough ; but it has not yet soared to Matt. 
 Arnold's ' sweetness and light ' ; and the dawn will once 
 more find the result of such eloquence — like a rocket-case 
 sodden in the dewy grass — Oh how unlike the heavenly rain 
 of fire last night ! " And much more beside, I said — which 
 space — ever merciful to my readers — compels me to omit — 
 and suddenly I found myself in the august presence of Sir 
 R. Morant, whose brusque " Do you want anything ? " sent 
 to the four winds all my purpose of reminding him of my 
 claims, and comparing recent times to a Feast^ of " Pass- 
 over," etc. 
 
 " No," I replied with equal precision and bluntness : and 
 the sudden change to warmth of manner, on the part of Sir 
 Robert, amusingly reminded me of a similar volteface on 
 the part of the late Sir E. Kerrison — whose " shoots " used 
 to be so eagerly sought after — when on the occasion of my 
 first visit to him, and in reply to his question, " Do you still 
 shoot ? " I replied with the same monosyllable. But suddenly 
 the Irish M.P. whose interview with Sir Robert had preceded 
 mine, and who had kept me waiting over an hour, and who 
 still bore his golf clubs, burst in, to demand peremptorily " an 
 escort," for, said he, " there's a savage dog loose about the 
 place, belonging, I believe, to one of the women inspectors. 
 Its bad enough to have women Inspectors — but if we've 
 to have their d d dogs too. . . ." 
 
 And in the roar of laughter which overcame even Sir 
 Robert's well-proved official self-control, I awoke — wondering 
 whether there was any truth ever — in a dream. 
 
 But to resume : — Mr Acland's circular compared with 
 L.E.A. measures is now regarded (retrospectively) as moderate 
 and reasonable ; and in point of fact it is to its beneficent 
 
PERSONAL 171 
 
 and strengthening clauses wisely acted upon — that the 
 voluntary schools owe the vitality which has carried them 
 through the terrible recent strain. 
 
 By the way, when Sir John Gorst's bill was doomed — the 
 question arose at the education head- quarters as to who should 
 break the news to the unfortunate father of the said bill. 
 
 Obviously the Duke of Devonshire's character and 
 advantages, experiences, rank, etc., pointed him out as the 
 proper person. So much tact, such bonhommie, etc., etc. 
 
 The duke, acceding with reluctance, strode straight, I am 
 informed, to Sir J. Gorst's room — and opening the door 
 
 jerked in — " Sir Gorst, your d d Bill's dead," and closing 
 
 the door, departed. It was his kindest way of doing things — 
 all the same. 
 
 Inspectors deserve all the abuse they get and more, if 
 they do as one of my chiefs did, when asked to say something 
 to fire the enthusiasm of a large gathering of rural teachers. 
 
 After a few words on the obvious danger of zeal he pro- 
 duces a blue book and begins to read. Worse still — the 
 extracts are his own ! 
 
 Yet worse — they were extracts declined insertion by my 
 Lords ! Another chief, in more recent times, might almost 
 have been brought to book by the Society for the Prevention 
 of Cruelty to Children. He expected nursery stories from 
 five years' old to whom they were even worse than speeches 
 forced on bashful silent men. 
 
 Nor had any story but the particular one in his own mind 
 any interest or value to that examiner. How many a child's 
 mind is like a lock — to be blamed because the examiner's 
 key doesn't fit — even if he has a bunch ! Mr Fussell, H.M.I. , 
 entering a school — somewhat shabbily attired, as was his 
 wont — was mistaken by the teacher for a commercial traveller. 
 
 " For goodness sake don't come here now," said the school- 
 master without looking up from his desk — " I'm new to the 
 place and I'm expecting that old brute Fussell every minute." 
 
 Yes — but providentially even H.M.I, sometimes hears the 
 truth. 
 
 H.M.I.'s lot in a charming county like Suffolk is indeed 
 an enviable one — his flight is beyond the flight of ordinary 
 men — and whereas the county is split up into several social 
 shrines with their surrounding worshippers — H.M.I.'s orbit 
 
172 PERSONAL 
 
 embraces many shrines. He covers the area of some fifty 
 doctors, and vague notions of imperial sentiment, grants 
 and culture, to use a Suffolk phrase " hang to him." 
 
 But what mortal shall escape unpleasantness ? H.M.I, has 
 his full share — quite enough to have a breezy efiect on his 
 humility. For example : — 
 
 " Oh she thought it a dreadful day — she did hate it " — 
 when conscious of having tried to make Inspection Day all 
 smiles — H.M.I, is foolish enough to inquire what are the 
 associations left in the mind of the servant who (he is whisper- 
 ingly informed) was as a girl " inspected by him some years ago." 
 
 But it is no better in Derbyshire; my colleague there, 
 leaving a school, overhears a boy remark — not meant for his 
 ear — " good shootance," and was fatuous enough to ask 
 what it meant (" good riddance ") though he had tried his 
 very best. Examiners, snakes and dentists must resign 
 themselves — and be dreaded. The sweeter their smile, the 
 worse their bite. 
 
 Was ever an H.M.I, more deservedly respected and be- 
 loved than the late Mr Synge ? 
 
 As late as 1911 on Lowestoft Pier, when casually conversing 
 with a " Tripper," I once more heard his praises sung. 
 
 " Although it's twenty years or more ago," said the man, 
 " I remember how at the end of a long morning, Mr Synge 
 would gather a few of the older scholars (especially the 
 failures) and encourage them with sensible advice — laying 
 special stress on the importance of writing out points in 
 which they felt any weakness, etc., all, of course, extra or 
 overtime work, voluntarily undertaken for our good — and 
 it did a lot of good " 
 
 But how did that Tripper end ? 
 
 " Oh Law ! how glad we used to be when it was all over — 
 how we used to roar out ' Now we'll sing a song and drink 
 a cup of cyder.' 1 It has worried me a bit since, to think 
 they must have heard it, and even the masters joined in." 
 
 A school manager with whom I am staying asks — 
 
 " Which shall it be, now — golf or billiards ? " 
 
 " Which you please," I reply. 
 
 " No, no — which you please — you're here for your pleasure, 
 not mine." 
 
 * (Mr Syder was Mr Synge's conscientious sub-inspector.) 
 
PERSONAL 178 
 
 " How sick you must be of schools, Mr Swinburne ? " is 
 a common comment from parsons' wives and daughters and 
 others — where least expected. 
 
 Another manager greets me, " Such a dreadful year — 
 master's wife, bronchitis — mother-in-law, cancer — staying 
 with us — and to crown it all — you've come." 
 
 And there is the " humbug " of the aristocratic manager 
 — brother of a lord. But what mortal shall escape 
 " Humbug ? " 
 
 It is snowing hard, and my host is studying Bradshaw 
 — it is at lunch — he says : — 
 
 "2.15 — a capital train — no stoppages — 4.30 the next, 
 not such a good train — but don't hurry away — accident 
 lately by that 4.30 train — but should so like you to stay — 
 however, don't let me interfere with your plans, I know what 
 business is — and calls, eh ! ah, yes — take another glass before 
 you go — No ? — Oh, we should so have liked you to have 
 stayed to dinner — but you couldn't of course — some excellent 
 wine in bottle — didn't think of opening it for lunch — ah, well ! 
 business first you see — should so much have enjoyed your 
 staying — you really ought to put up here, you know — head- 
 quarters, week — week ? month if you like — charmed to see 
 you. Lady H. too — you know any time — musn't forget — " 
 (Shall I nail him down to dinner and a bed to-night — with a 
 view to so doing, out slips my watch, hoping to shame him 
 by seeing there is only twenty minutes to finish lunch and 
 go a mile and a half.) " Ah ! time flies, yes — I see — you want 
 to be off " (no time to protest) " well, as you will go," etc., etc. 
 
 But perhaps the best instance is that of an agonised school- 
 master, whose readiness covered even his multitudinous 
 sins. 
 
 He had set this sentence on the blackboard to parse the 
 day after a (to him) painful inspection. 
 
 " This teacher says the inspector is a fool." 
 
 What was his horror to see the inspector enter the school 
 for something forgotten yesterday ! In an instant he roared 
 in a tone of fury, " John — put in those brackets / told you to 
 put in at once — how dare you, sir ! " and it read : " This 
 teacher (says the inspector) is a fool." 
 
 In my own experience I can vouch for the similar astound- 
 ing readiness on the part of a rural schoolmaster, whom as 
 
174 PERSONAL 
 
 I drove up, I saw out in his own garden with two boys digging 
 for him during the school hours. 
 
 P] We had about the same distance to go to get to the school, 
 he to the back and I to the front door — but I had a fast horse. 
 
 I never saw him start even — but when I entered he turned 
 from a book-shelf smiling, a book in hand to ask my opinion 
 as to its suitability for use in Standard V. 
 
 I was dizzy — doubting my own senses, for two hours of 
 constant watching — until 11.30 a.m. ; when, after a burst of 
 bluster which almost convinced me I must have had an 
 optical delusion, he grovelled, and confessed, and was for- 
 given — with a grave warning. 
 
 But we all have our troubles, and a perusal of the following 
 will reduce them by comparison with worse ones — I wish 
 I could reproduce the caliginous caligraphy. 
 
 March 1st, 1892. 
 
 Please Sir, — I am Im, formed you are the head Gentleman, 
 that expeter, ofer Schools, I have had ten In famely and 
 they are all alive, and I have three tending^the School, and 
 the eldest, will be twelve, next October, and if you, please. 
 Sir, as I have a Lady would Like to take her the mondy the 
 last of febauary Sir I hope you will take It in siderration As 
 I am a sickly women and all ways under the ducters hands, 
 and that you Sir, will see, As I have six at home the lady is 
 going to keep her onwith her Lestons, reading and writing so 
 as a gentleman I hope you will regrant me as she will do better 
 by her than I can — Your struly, Mrs 
 
 A village in Suffolk. 
 
 Sir, — I have sent yu my dectors biU so you will find I 
 have told you the traugh. 
 
 Have other H.M.I. 's had to appear before rural magistrates 
 as well as a metropolitan one ? 
 
 A constable informed me a few years ago that I must 
 summon some gipsies, " who," said he, " have let their horses 
 into a lonely meadow belonging to you ; and upon a villager's 
 locking the said horses in the said field, the said gipsies have 
 broken the said gate to let them out." 
 
 After I have been duly primed as to the right term to use 
 
PERSONAL 176 
 
 to the chairman of the five magistrates, which term of course 
 I, in my confusion, apply to the clerk, who covers his head 
 with his hands in horrified abashment, I am eventually 
 given to understand by the said clerk that a summons 
 cannot be granted — 
 
 " We cannot prove that they broke the pound." 
 " They broke five pounds " I replied " for as my wife 
 plays at farming and it was springtime — the crop was spoiled." 
 The clerk almost had a fit at my temerity. " We are very 
 sorry, Mr Swinburne, but no one saw them do it" — says the 
 chairman, who had most courteously and kindly arranged 
 the time of hearing to suit my convenience. Lengthy parley- 
 ing followed — the drift setting against me — 
 
 " Then," I at length rejoined " I wish to have it quite 
 clearly ruled for my own guidance. If no one sees the 
 breakage of the pound, it appears there is no case. I propose, 
 therefore, to suggest to my wife that she should recoup 
 
 herself for her loss by turning her horses into Park, one 
 
 of the magistrates' homes, and I myself hope, unseen, to 
 break the pound for her — and so forth. ..." 
 
 The magistrates whispered together for a few minutes 
 and then came a voice : — 
 
 " Mr Swinburne, we grant you the summons." 
 
 But Justice moves " claudo pede " — and so did my car, 
 
 for on me fell, of course, the lion's share of the pursuit of 
 
 the fugitive gipsies. To begin with, a boy shot out of one 
 
 of the many cross streets in the suburbs of Ipswich and 
 
 Eierced my bonnet armour with the lance-like shaft of a 
 utcher's cart. 
 " The boy, ah ! where was he ? " Miraculously unhurt ! 
 but the sole witness — a local preacher — when seized upon 
 by my chauffeur, to testify to the motor's obvious innocence, 
 declined, " I dont wish to hut either side." So strong is 
 Prejudice ! When at last I did find the Police — they, of 
 course, being " town," could not take up a country case — 
 much less beard the lion in his den — the gipsy in the fair ; 
 and one of them, upon my protesting, referred me blandly 
 to the hymn " When angry passions rise," etc., etc. Days 
 after, when I had abandoned the chase, a handsome woman 
 with two stalwart grown up sons halted at my sanctuary's 
 window. 
 
1T6 PERSONAL 
 
 " There is one God over us all," was her opening remark — 
 
 " Yes, and he wrote the commandments, one of which is, 
 ' Thou shalt not steal ' was my reply. Nevertheless, an awe 
 as of Bible lands and times, a romantic Arabian Nights — 
 Grimm — Andersen — Pilgrim's Progress — sentiment crept over 
 me. No wonder the poor are at the mercy of this self-con- 
 stituted lower order of priest and practitioner combined, 
 missionaries to us heathens, with whom intermarriage (high 
 or low) is an abomination. The " Homer " — as they call it in 
 Suffolk— told. 
 
 " But will I ask the kind lady ? " 
 
 " I will ; but I am glad that I did not personally attempt 
 an arrest at Ipswich " with an admiring look at the splendid 
 physique of the two sons. 
 
 " Lor' bless yer, one suffers with 'is liver and t' other's as 
 mild as a tender lamb. . . ." 
 
 We squared it ; and the following year, when the van re- 
 appeared, a most interesting and picturesque village moot, 
 led by its chairman, silently and slowly, and without taking 
 any action, ejected it; but the silence on the part of the 
 gipsies half -concealed and half -revealed " language which 
 does not admit of publication." 
 
 Space forbids the insertion of the details of my appearance 
 before the Metropolitan magistrate, on the occasion when, 
 to save a simple many-parcelled Suffolk farm-wife from the 
 robbery I saw in the eye of a frock-coated gentleman seated 
 near her, I drew my own great coat like a red-herring across 
 the track of the would-be thief — and caught him, and 
 landed him at the Guildhall — though at a considerable 
 personal inconvenience ; and with no thanks from anybody 
 except the superintendent of the police and his merry men. 
 
 Absent-minded men are often misunderstood ; and of the 
 five times when I have been suspected of being a thief re- 
 spectably attired, I select two. The first may serve as an 
 excuse for a few lines of family history. 
 
 There are no other Swinburnes in East Anglia — save only 
 the Swinbornes of Essex who are descended from the Swin- 
 burnes of the North, and who in the fifteenth century pos- 
 sessed Coldham Hall and vast estates in Suffolk and Essex, 
 estates which passed by marriage to the Berners and the 
 Kookwoods who used to own Easton Park, now the seat of 
 
PERSONAL 177 
 
 the Duke of Grafton. The brasses at Little Horkesly are 
 among the best preserved monuments in England ; and the 
 energy which has won world wide fame for Iseult has done 
 the same for Isinglass. 
 
 Sipping coffee one evening not long ago at Ipswich Station, 
 my eye caught sight of a parcel lying on a chair and addressed 
 Swinburne, Esq., which I naturally supposed to have been 
 sent by some tradesman for me — I noticed that the under- 
 graduate-like youth, who stood next to me, also had his 
 eye on that parcel — and on me — and when in due course 
 I left, taking the parcel with me, he had his hand on me too. 
 "Hi! that's mine " 
 
 " No — there is no other Swinburne in East Anglia." 
 
 " There may not have been last night, there is now. . . ." 
 Mutual and angry suspicion soon gave way to laughter and 
 friendship. He was a younger son of Sir John Swinburne 
 of Capheaton, and on his way to HoUesley agricultural college, 
 and we travelled on together, addressing one another as 
 cousins. 
 
 The other occasion was when, on the way, with an under- 
 graduate friend, many years ago to witness the Grand National 
 Steeple Chase, we had to pass through Edge Hill tunnel 
 without lights. Our first class compartment being full, 
 my friend and I stood " to oblige " with our backs to the 
 two doors, when suddenly in pitchy darkness the door 
 behind me against which I leaned flew open ; and it was 
 only by clutching at the two " bow- windowed " well-to- 
 do betting men, who sat next to me, that I saved myself 
 from an awful death. My fingers may have caught hold of 
 one of their watch chains on their protruding waistcoats. 
 
 Pale in the returning light, I gasped something about a 
 terrible escape — but it was as clear as that welcome sunshine, 
 that the only idea in the minds of all six racing men was. 
 " Well — I never — the latest trick ! We're sharp enough ; 
 but his quiet and virtuous-looking make-up beats even us." 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 ANSWERS 
 
 The replies here tabulated must not be regarded as anything 
 like evidence of inefficiency. They are of course exceptional, 
 occurring similarly in all answers to examination papers in 
 all ranks of life, and while lightening with innocent diversion 
 the arduous task of self -improvement, they serve to fix the 
 correct answer in the memory. 
 
 Asked to write about the Heights of Abraham, some pupil 
 teachers discussed wolves and foxes ; others, Boer generals ; 
 and one said the French officers " fell over the cliffs into the 
 river, and then wrote the elegy in a churchyard." Asked 
 to paraphrase 
 
 " And you mortal engines, whose rude throats 
 Th' immortal Jove's dread clamours counterfeit, 
 Farewell — Othello's occupation's gone." 
 
 A pupil teacher wrote : — 
 
 " Goodbye you locomotives, which will not last for ever ; 
 you made such a noise that the lasting shouts of Jove could 
 not be heard. Adieu to the thing that is departed that 
 passed away Othello's time." 
 
 Another : — " I regret to say'that for want of time, etc. — 
 I shall be unable to complete especially as for the following 
 reasons — I should have, had I had time, finished it with so 
 much credit." Reasons follow — and he wasted as much time 
 as would have sufficed for the real answers. 
 
 A very matter of fact reproduction from memory of a 
 well-known passage in Romeo and Juliet was given by a 
 pupil teacher aged 17. 
 
 " A traveller whilst taking a walk one night called the 
 attention of a lady to some tops of fruit trees. The bright 
 
 178 
 
ANSWERS 179 
 
 rays of the moon were shining upon the tops of those trees 
 giving them a silvery appearance. 
 
 " In reply to this the lady said in a stern reproof, * Use no foul 
 language against the moon, for it remains visible to us not 
 for long. By and by it will vanish away to display the form 
 of its richness and the variety of its phenomena in other 
 regions of the world.' " 
 
 Another paraphrasing — 
 
 " By torch and trumpet fast arrayed 
 Each horseman drew his battle blade." 
 
 wrote : — " Every horseman who joined in the dreadful battle, 
 drew his battle axe which he had with him. He also had 
 a torch and a trumpet." 
 
 Another on the lines " The path of glory leads but to the 
 grave " wrote : — " Not just because they are rich men, but 
 those that are good are the ones to be in glory." 
 
 Another pupil teacher being asked " Who wrote this poem," 
 answered " Alfred Tennyson." Teacher, " Hush, girl. Lord 
 Tennyson — name another poet." " Please sir, Longfellow, 
 Burns, Shakespeare." " Well done, and one of their poems ? 
 What — can't tell me one of Shakespeare's plays ? " " Please 
 sir, Domestic Economy." 
 
 A pupil teacher on school furniture : — " The instrument 
 of corporal punishment is also perhaps, a part of the school 
 furniture. It should be of cane or leather, never hard wood, 
 because bone disease is sometimes caused by bruises inflicted 
 by sticks." 
 
 Long words are their delight, but that *' fine feathers do 
 not make fine birds " — in literature or dress — they will not 
 remember. 
 
 " School expeditions must be kept clean and ticketed." 
 Did he mean museum exhibitions? Bookishness is ever 
 to the fore. " Light must come from the left side. A defect 
 in this direction might lead to squint and if very bad end 
 in blindness." 
 
 Another writes on sick rooms : — " A sheet perforated with 
 carbolic acid is the exception nowadays. It should be the rule." 
 Bookishness peeps out of this answer on school expeditions 
 (from Chester) " For history you will go, say, to Runnymede," 
 and Exeter schoolboys are to visit the Tower of London. 
 
180 ANSWERS 
 
 In arranging a time-table : — " The constant aim must be 
 to move the centres of activity from point to point in the 
 cerebrum." 
 
 " Short pencils causing the child to put his head close to 
 the paper to see what the point is doing." She need not be 
 anxious, anyone who knows schools can tell you how ex- 
 ceedingly rare points are. 
 
 " Large rooms are very dangerous to physical feeling." 
 
 " Wear flannel ; it ridges the skin, and gets rid of the 
 matter which the pores are ever execrating." 
 
 " Avoid tight lacing. Nowadays people have a great 
 tendency to look slight and tall, but a person who is natural 
 and abstains from such degradations is by far the better 
 looking of the two. If life is wanted, garters must not be 
 tight." 
 
 " Anyone who is afraid of having a thick waist let her 
 think of Venus de Medici — the God of Beauty — whose height 
 was 5 feet 2 inches and who possessed a waist of 27 inches." 
 
 " Wool is inflammable — and therefore less dangerous in 
 the event of fire." 
 
 After all the girl had something to say for herself " in " 
 generally meaning " not." 
 
 " Tight lacing is horrible, leaving no room for the ex- 
 pansion of the -feelings." 
 
 " Mutton broth makes excellent beef tea." 
 
 Too often it is book learning rather than their own ex- 
 perience, e.g. " two baths every day, one hot and one cold ! " 
 
 " We must daily try our best to develop our mussels." 
 
 " Be out in the fresh air as often as possible." As a matter 
 of fact you have to drive them out in the play intervals 
 at their schools. 
 
 Debating societies, please note a budding female teacher's 
 opinion about you : — " Debating Societies are often the 
 means of ruining homes and home life. A man's place after 
 the day's work is done is beside his own fire, often he is drawn 
 away to a certain society. Unhappily it does not always 
 end in debating but gradually, by getting with bad com- 
 panions, he is led on to drink, cards and numerous other 
 vices, and this means a forsaken home, forsaken wife and 
 children, and often to prison or suicide. Debating societies 
 are evidently best for single persons." 
 
ANSWERS 181 
 
 Another on the same subject : — " There are so many vile 
 and evil attractions in the present day, and are so attractive." 
 
 Another wrote : — " Cranmer was an imminent man. . . . 
 Eaising his left hand to heaven he thrust the other into the 
 flames without making a sound. He said " Thou has done 
 ifc " and turning to Wolsey he said " Oh Wolsey, Wolsey, 
 had I bub served, etc." 
 
 Want of common sense is too often displayed, e.g. In 
 answer to an arithmetic sum one gives the weight of sixteen 
 planks (ordinary) " 45 tons." 
 
 Another— Height of class room " 100,966 feet." 
 
 Allowance must, however, be made for natural nervous- 
 ness — Asked the date of her birth, a girl of eighteen for the 
 life of her cannot name the year. How should she know, 
 for example when Edward T. came to the throne ? 
 
 And two others cannot give you the name of a play of 
 Shakespeare — after reciting from "King John" and the 
 "Merchant of Venice," with the books actually in their 
 pockets at the time. 
 
 I quite agree with the adult teacher who wrote: — "The 
 process of digestion may be said to begin in the kitchen." 
 
 Another : — " Too much of one thing is as bad as too little 
 of another thing." 
 
 In reply to a question about the wisdom of tight lacing, 
 high heels, etc. another adult teacher writes : — " Well may 
 the question be asked," and that is all she writes. 
 
 " The clinical thermometer should be held in the mouth 
 while the patient holds his breath for five minutes. This is 
 too fatiguing for a patient seriously ill." 
 
 Writing on green vegetables : — " Sailors who have been 
 living for a considerable time on dried substances experience 
 a longing and dissatisfied feeling. They also help to make 
 excellent soup." 
 
 It must, however, be borne in mind that if only a part 
 of this knowledge, limited though it be, eventually reaches 
 the masses of the people an incalculable amount of un- 
 necessary loss, waste, and error will be saved. On the uses 
 of drill one well writes : — " In some schools the mind is 
 crammed the body cramped." 
 
 Another : — " Gives him a noble bearing, and so enables 
 him to get a situation." 
 
182 ANSWERS 
 
 Many of these teachers seem half frightened of praising 
 the physical side for its own sake. 
 
 " It makes them stronger, and so they do their lessons 
 better:' 
 
 They forget that the school exists for the child, not the 
 child for the school. 
 
 " Fire only warms the exterior — drill warms the blood." 
 
 " The temperature of a room should be tested by frequently 
 taking the patient's temperature." 
 
 Explain what is meant by the term " deposit." " Deposits 
 can be made by married women over seven." 
 
 Here are two Westminster ideas of country life : — " The 
 country child is not likely to have much use for arithmetic 
 in after life." " The country lad's limited sphere of life." 
 
 Describe with plan the battle of Agincourt. Plan carefully 
 shunned. She writes : — " For a vivid description of this 
 battle, Shakespeare's ' Henry V. ' should be read, and by 
 this description one is able to follow the battle and see for 
 oneself something of what it really was." 
 
 " If the school be in a geological place collect specimens." 
 Where is it not so ? 
 
 How to teach the geography of Europe. The only practical 
 hints she gives is " To compare Europe with England. By 
 doing this" she continues "the apperception masses would 
 be put in order, the correlated ideas would be connected 
 and the mind in a receptive condition." This is all she 
 writes. 
 
 A Wesleyan pupil teacher writes in a discussion of the 
 value of paper as compared with slates, " The temptation to 
 deceive is partly removed." 
 
 Writing on thrift : — " Mortgages paying 7 per cent are 
 a good investment — but a high rate of interest should be 
 regarded with suspicion. I prefer Bank of England." 
 
 " Beware of huge profits." They try hard to praise the 
 P.O. But their hearts are not in it. " Invest in Tit 
 Bits." 
 
 The fault of these answers, however, is not to be laid 
 exclusively at the door of the candidates. Some of the 
 questions must appear to them as the fences in the Grand 
 National Steeplechase course must appear to horses that 
 are not steeplechasers. With the right hand so to speak 
 
ANSWERS 183 
 
 we urge upon them to be concise, and with the left hand, by 
 dealing out extra sheets of foolscap, we feed their literary 
 dropsy. " Crescit indulgens sibi dirus Driveller," if I may 
 substitute a word for Hydrops. A stiff question at the outset 
 often acts like a barbed wire fence on the candidates. They 
 never recover from the shock of it. Examiners have not 
 yet learned to descend to the level of the examined. 
 
 Asked for a list of subjects for object lessons, a pupil 
 teacher wrote : " Things they see every day need one lesson. 
 Lessons requiring twice would be camel, elephant — and 
 probably the umbrella." In spite of instructions which 
 besought teachers to moderate their desire for those intoxi- 
 catingly popular animals. 
 
 " There are not many advantages in reading silently, as 
 the teacher cannot tell whether the children are pronoucing 
 (sic) their words correctly. It is an advantage, if a child's 
 hand has been hurt." Does she refer to pointing with the 
 fingers — also long condemned. 
 
 How note-books should be kept — " clean and covered " — 
 (nothing more). " Note-books should be of considerable size 
 (to prevent having two or three), in our own simple style, 
 fit for anyone to look at with pleasure, and kept close at 
 hand for any spare moments." 
 
 But again I would suggest more suitable questions. 
 
 How futile to demand e.g. genealogies of foreign royalties 
 from candidates who write about " Plymouth Rock " as 
 the " landing-place of the Pilgrim Fathers " ; and who are 
 eloquent on " reigns of government " (for reins). 
 
 What folly to ask for a comparison of Henry IV. and 
 Henry VII. from students unequal to a workman-like sketch 
 of either monarch's life and character. No wonder some of 
 the plans of the battle of Agincourt, drawn by females, re- 
 sembled patterns of blouses. 
 
 Questions are often on the Philosophy of History, rather 
 than History, and I have sometimes seen questions asked, 
 the answer to which the ordinary text-books do not contain. 
 The unreasonable multiplication of questions only makes 
 matters worse. But of course the questions must not bear 
 aU the blame. 
 
 Asked for lessons to be learned from the pond. A female 
 teacher wrote : — " The pond is specially interesting from the 
 
184 ANSWERS 
 
 happy hours spent there in the winter when the water was 
 frozen ! " Truth will out. 
 
 " Wolfe was a very able man, he was sent out by the 
 honourable East India Co. to take Calcutta, this he did, 
 then he died. He is reported as he led his men to the charge 
 to have quoted those memorable lines from ' Graves Energy.' 
 ' Up, Guards, and at 'em,' and to have said, ' Gentlemen, I 
 would rather be the editor of these lines than take Calcutta.' " 
 
 " The blind King of Bohemia was led through the thickest 
 of the fray, wielding his sword with terrific force, and 
 cutting down every one he could see." 
 
 A second-year pupil teacher gave for the prime events 
 in the reign of James II. : (1) Gunpowder Plot ; (2) Cade's 
 Kebellion ; (3) Death and Character of the King. 
 
 Was it a Harrow boy who wrote : Character of Richard 
 II., "Bold and audacious" ? "I could have put lots more 
 you know," he told his mother afterwards, " only I was too 
 cute. They told us to be brief." 
 
 Asked about pre-gunpowder days, three female candidates 
 wrote : — 
 
 " The guns used since the discovery of gunpowder are 
 much better than those used before." " Bullets made with 
 gunpowder were a great improvement on those used before." 
 " Before the invention of gunpowder they had a very bad 
 time — nothing to fight with but bows and arrows — and 
 pistils." 
 
 " Early in the war Cromwell proceeded to train an austere 
 band of followers under rigid discipline — to be henceforth 
 known all the world over by the title which so well describes 
 their characteristic qualities, viz. : Cromwell's Regicides." 
 
 Yet another bookish one : — " Among direct taxes we pay 
 toll bars." 
 
 Standard V. used to have to answer history questions on 
 paper. Here is one. " Richard II., Who fight in the crusades, 
 and he could not take Jerusalem, so he went home and soon 
 died, and he dont live now, dont Richard II." 
 
 " The battle of Bannockburn lasted from Edward I. to 
 Henry IV., between Edward I. and Robert Bruce." 
 
 " The Wars of the Roses were very civil, and it was the 
 worst war of any." 
 
 A pupil teacher wrote : — "In 1588 Elizabeth's only 
 
ANSWERS 185 
 
 surviving child, the duke of Gloucester, died, and the bill of 
 settlement was accordingly passed." 
 
 Wesleyan pupil teacher : — Chief events in reign of William 
 III. ? " William the third arrived in Dorsetshire and the 
 following Sunday he heard his own friend preach from the 
 cathedral pulpit." 
 
 Another pupil teacher : — " The queen joked, played and 
 frolicked until nearly her last days, then her reason began 
 to give way, and she died after a long and useful life." 
 
 In reply to which of the Richards would you rather have 
 lived under ? A Standard V. boy wrote : "I would rather 
 live under Richard the first. There were three brothers, 
 Richard I., Richard II., and Richard III." (that is all he wrote). 
 
 A pupil teacher thus gives the history of her favourite king. 
 
 " Henry VII. was sordid, selfish, and distrustful. A skilful 
 legislator and a refined politician. He had a great love for 
 money which, when getting, he guarded with all the jealousy 
 of a miser under his own lock and key." 
 
 A female pupil teacher wrote : — " Queen Elizabeth walked 
 to the scaffold leaning on her fathers arm. The axe fell and 
 all was over." 
 
 " Csesar left England in 43, but returned to it in 410." 
 Many put his first visit 50 years B.C., second visit 50 years a.d. 
 
 " The pale in Ireland was a disease of the potato, and 
 the statute of Kilkenny was an act of Parliament to prevent 
 its recurrence." 
 
 " Bretwalda — a title given by Athelstane to any one who 
 had sailed five times round the world." 
 
 Wolsey once more : — " Henry at first feared he would not 
 do. But he found out that he could drink, hunt, dress, 
 tell stories, and swear as well as the best of his courtiers, so 
 he made him Archbishop." 
 
 " Stephen Langton invented the steam engine." 
 
 *' Henry VII., by parties and entertainments, soon made 
 his treasury poor. He accused people for nothing at all, 
 just to get money. Lord Wolsey was a man who helped him 
 in this act, also Thomas Cromwell and Tom Moore." 
 
 In reply to the oral question, " What do you learn about 
 Nelson ? " An eight-year old pleaded, " Please, sir, we 
 haven't got to verbs." 
 
 Give a brief account of the Georges, " George I. comes I, 
 
186 ANSWERS 
 
 George II. comes II., George III. comes III., and George IV. 
 comes IV." 
 
 Yet one more from Rugby (I think) to prove that ludicrous 
 blunders are not the monoply of any class. '' Which do you 
 consider the greater general, Caesar or Hannibal ? " " If we 
 consider who Csesar and Hannibal were, the age in which 
 they lived, and the kind of men they commanded, and then 
 ask ourselves which we consider the greater general — we 
 shall be obliged to reply in the affirmative." " On hearing of 
 the French Revolution, Milton exclaimed, ' Bravo, France.' " 
 " Mort main — Many were kept in prison for years. Mort main 
 means. Produce the body," wrote two pupil teachers. 
 
 Name the British possessions in Europe ? " The British 
 possessions in Europe are England, Gibraltar, Wales, and 
 Germany." 
 
 Inspector to third-year pupil teacher : — " Why didn't you 
 draw a map of the west coast of England ? " " Couldn't do 
 it, sir, never taught it." Village schoolmistress, who taught 
 him (angrily) : — " How can you say that. You can draw 
 a map of England beautifully ; why didn't you do it and 
 rub the other half out." 
 
 A pupil teacher wrote : — " London — the largest city in the 
 world — 3i inhabitants." 
 
 Greenwich : — " An observitory for disabled seamen." 
 
 "Paris has many striking appearances. The emigrant 
 beholds the mighty rocks and sea-shore traffic, he is struck 
 at the wonderful and strange language of the inhabitants." 
 
 How do we know the earth moves ? " Philisophers tell 
 us" — is a relic of the days when written answers were de- 
 manded of Standard V. 
 
 What sea washes three Continents ? " The Baltic, Asia, 
 Africa, and America " is another, and — 
 
 " We know that the earth is round, because Navigators 
 have sailed round the shadow on the moon." 
 
 " We know that the earth is round because it turns round 
 on its axis." 
 
 The potteries : — " Empson, Dudley, and Warsaw." 
 
 In answer to an oral question of the ports of Britain. 
 " Supposing you and I were going a voyage to New York, 
 where should we start from ? " Reply — " 'Ere." 
 
 Upon what do the people of Cape Colony chiefly feed ? 
 
ANSWERS 18T 
 
 Standard V., in a parish conspicuous for missionary zeal, 
 howls out, " Human Beeans " (beings). 
 
 The father of the Speaker in the House of Commons told 
 me of a child who, when asked to write : — 
 
 "Here he did obedience show; 
 Oh, make me obedient too," 
 
 wrote: — 
 
 " Here he did a pigeon show; 
 Oh, make me a pigeon too." 
 
 A good little girl once repeated to me : — 
 
 " Twinkle, twinkle, little star, 
 How I wonder-watch-you Ah 1 " 
 
 Every effort to split wonderwatchyou into its component 
 parts having failed I said, " Turn round so as to remember 
 to pause after ' wonder.' " Standing in front of her class she 
 spun round with such agility that the wonderwatch remained 
 still undivided. I suppose a new word had been coined in 
 her mind : — " To contemplate with awe." I left her in peace. 
 Even pupil teachers strangely violate the laws of emphasis. 
 " I come to bury Caesar, not Topraiseim," has often been 
 repeated to me as if Antony's object were to bury not Caesar, 
 but someone else — possibly — in the reciter's mind — some 
 Syrian general. 
 
 A Standard VI. boy's letter on his midsummer holidays 
 shows him to have been easily pleased. 
 
 " I enjoyed myself very much when I had my midsummer 
 holidays. I was weeding a field of potatoes the first week. 
 Then I had a very interesting walk to the junction to see the 
 trains, and I was counting the waggons of luggage trains, 
 some of the luggage trains that runs on the London and 
 North Western Kail way have more than fifty-two waggons 
 on one train. And I had a very interesting walk on the 
 canal bank to the lock, and I was counting the barges. I 
 then took my leaf and went home very much pleased." 
 
 After the perusal of a stirring description of the British 
 army in which the words " mustered in scarlet hue " occurred, 
 the teacher inquired the meaning of " mustered." " Please, 
 miss," replied a model village girl, age fourteen, " they had 
 had plasters on." 
 
188 ANSWERS 
 
 A few letters may throw light on lives other than our own. 
 A Standard V. boy writes : — 
 
 " Dear Sir, — When I leave school I intended to be a 
 shepherd and go along with till I am old enough to be a real 
 shepherd to drive sheep, and if I can't be a shepherd I shall 
 then be able enough for other work and then be of some 
 use to my friends, and as I hope to be an man you will fully 
 expect me to do some work, and as I hope that I may be 
 able to do it, for perhaps I may happen of an accident and 
 so then not be able to do it. And I hope I shall be well 
 and you to." 
 
 A cheerful one from an Ipswich boy. Standard V. 
 
 " My mother is very ill and I hope she will get well again, 
 she has been like it as three years, and she think she will be 
 ill a bed again, and she cannot do the work, and the baby 
 have been queer, and my two little brothers are taken very ill, 
 and we hope they will get well again, and I was taken very 
 ill a bed with the scarlet feaver, and I was very ill for a fort- 
 night, and my mother was glad that I had gotten over it, and 
 me brother have had absces on the neck, I remain yours truly." 
 
 This is from a girl aged about thirteen. 
 
 *' Dear Sir, — Having had an invitation to an impromptu 
 dance at the White Lion Hotel, I accepted and enjoyed myself 
 immensely. After the first three or four dances I slipped out 
 and ran home after my white gloves which I had forgotten 
 to take with me. There were only about eight boys to about 
 twenty girls so there was no lack of partners. The time 
 stated in the program was till twelve, but I think it must 
 have been fully one o'clock before I got to bed." 
 
 Standard V. :— 
 
 *' Sir, — I now describe a short paragraph of what I should 
 like to be. As my parents do not wish me to go to sea I 
 should like to be a grocer. I tried to enter into a shop at 
 Kessingland but the gentleman didn't care about having any 
 one out of the village, because the customers didn't like to 
 have people in the same village to know their business." 
 
 Write a letter from a servant in an untidy and unpunctual 
 
ANSWERS 189 
 
 house to her sister describing the drawbacks she has to 
 contend with. 
 Standard VI. writes : — 
 
 " My Dear Sister, — I now take the pleasure of writing 
 you these few lines hoping that you are quite well as it leaves 
 me at present. I do not feel very comfortable in my new 
 place as my master and mistress are so untidy and so late 
 getting up in the mornings that I wish they were a hundred 
 miles off. Dear sister if you were me you would wish the 
 same. I do all my work nicely, and then I think about having 
 a little pleasure, as most servants do, but, alas, there's no rest 
 for me, as soon as I'm cleaned up a bit in comes my mistress 
 and says to me, ' Why, Ann, have you done all the work,' 
 Ifanswer, ' Yes ; Mam.' She say to me, ' Come, Ann, I can find 
 you a job to do,' and she set me to brush my master's garden 
 hat which he never use. Dear sister you may be sure I was 
 angry enough ; but I could not help myself, so I held my peace. 
 I have such a lot of things to put up with that I sometimes 
 think I must leave, and then I know that mother is hampered 
 to make both ends meet, so I stay on but sometimes she 
 spills the gravy all unto my nice carpet, and then tells me to 
 get it up with a spoon. So now darling sister I shall tire 
 you with my complaints, so I will conclude with my kindest 
 love." 
 
 Standard V. writes : — 
 
 " Dear Mother, — When I leave school I shall be a car- 
 penter, and then if I don't make a success I shall go in the 
 navy, and go in foreign countries and look at the curious 
 things. From your loving son." 
 
 A Standard V. girl writing on kindness to animals : — 
 
 " As I came to school this morning I saw my little kitten 
 entangled in the hedge, I got it out and carried it home and 
 then I noticed it had rent its ears, so I bathed them in cold 
 water. Next I saw a rabbit in a trap which my brother 
 had set, so I let it go and it scampered off seeming so pleased 
 because it had got away. Now I think this was a kind 
 action," (The brother's view of the case not stated.) 
 
190 ANSWERS 
 
 Another from Standard V. (Advocates of examinations 
 please note.) 
 
 " My Dear Mother, — We are having our leaving examina- 
 tion this morning. When I leave school I think I shall be a 
 dressmaker as I shall be at home with you and father. I hope 
 you are all quite well as it leaves me the same. It makes me 
 shake when I am examined. I think this is all this time, 
 with love." 
 
 The following from a senior pupil teacher (female). 
 
 " Dear Friend, — Having nothing better to say now I 
 beg to occupy a few moments of your valuable time in inform- 
 ing you how I pass my time away at home. My greatest 
 of all pleasures is to wander down by the shady nook adjoin- 
 ing our habitation. Here one can view the wonders of creation 
 in every way possible, by peeping through the leaves and 
 admiring the opposite scenery. It makes me feel the thanks 
 we owe our Heavenly Father who has provided all these gifts 
 for our enjoyment. I often bring an interesting book with 
 me and sit among the evergreens of this most cheerful solitary 
 residence. At other times I love to wander out in the fields 
 and watch the golden corn quite ripe to harvest. Here I 
 look across the wide-spreading landscape and cannot help 
 thinking of that great poet who so well describes all these 
 grandeurs. Frequently in summer-time I visit the pebbly 
 beach of our island and muse upon the power of that Great 
 Being who causes the tides to flow backwards and forwards, 
 keeping up an incessant roar, and for variety's sake throw 
 pebbles across the expansive ocean. In winter it is delightful 
 to visit the skating-rink and acquire robust health by the 
 influence of the exhilarating air. I remain your esteemed 
 friend " 
 
 Standard V. boy : — 
 
 " Dear Edith, — Just a few lines to tell you what I should 
 like to be when I am older. When I am about eighteen, I 
 shall be a sailor on board a man-of-war to defend our country 
 in the time of danger, which will suit me better than anything, 
 because I am so fond of firing off guns at anything. So I'll 
 close now, from your affectionate brother." 
 
ANSWERS 191 
 
 " My dear Sister, — I am going to tell you or rather write 
 down what I should like to be. I want to be a soldier and 
 be a Horse Soldier too and go to fight an enemy. I can 
 imagine thousands of soldiers marching to battle, and I in the 
 front ranks on a black horse with a sword in my hand and the 
 drum playing as we marched away. I must stop now for 
 I can say no more. From your affectionate Brother." 
 
 " Dear Mother, — I am being examined to-day. When 
 I leave school I should like to be able to get a situation. 
 If not able to obtain a situation I would like to go and be 
 apprenticed to dressmaking. I would rather go to a situation. 
 Because if I did not like to be at a situation I could leave, 
 but if I were apprenticed to dressmaking I should have 
 to stay for the time appointed. I am, your affectionate 
 daughter." 
 
 This letter like that of the boy who wished to see " curious 
 things " affords matter for serious reflection — being char- 
 acteristic of our modern system. 
 
 A Suffolk village mother writes (1906) : — 
 
 To His Majesty'* s Inspector — Mr Swinburne, Esq. 
 
 Sir, — Will you kindly grant me a labour certificate for 
 my boy age 13 the 10th day of last January as I am sorry 
 to have to beg but I am in poor circumstances with 7 more 
 below him to feed and find shoes for and he is not very 
 strong we are always doctoring him and he have been sent 
 to school ever since he was 3J yrs old and I am sure he will 
 be better from school as there insides are very poorly kept 
 bread and butter is not enough for his age now and money 
 wiU not allow more as there are 10 of us to 14 shillings a 
 week 5 stone of flour and their clubs to pay so it is only 
 starving there system. I am sorry if he did not pass as I 
 have a little one ill with bronchutis for 9 weeks I have had 
 to find new milk and am not strong myself as 3 youngest 
 are from 3 yrs to 5 months so I think we need it and the next 
 girl to him has a bad back we dont enjoy much only aflictions 
 which pull us back very much indeed and I know of 2 places 
 he can have 6d. a day which would help to his bread. I 
 hope you will look through the case and grant him. The 
 
192 ANSWERS 
 
 schoolmaster told me last year that I should have him from 
 the 15 of May till September last year but it was never 
 granted if not I shall have to try for a medical certificate 
 from the doctor. If I were not so poor would not mind 
 how long he come to school I am Yours truly and Obedient 
 servant." 
 
 The following paraphrase illustrates the inability of most 
 Standard V. boys to grasp the meaning of a passage of any- 
 thing like stiffness. " There was a great number present and 
 those that were used to having beautiful eye glasses saw 
 wonderful things ; had not seen anything that will come up 
 to that. To be in a building which without any difficulty 
 to hold twice the number, 25000 people were sitting all the 
 way round Her Majesty's throne in order. Eound them in 
 the middle and above them were sat everything that is of 
 use or magnificent in several ways. At the top of them was 
 an arch glittering very much, much better than the scenery 
 in our most beautiful cathedrals. On both sides of them 
 was the vista who seemed almost out of bound." 
 
 Lord Macaulay's well-known style will be recognized. 
 
 One of the drawbacks of being an examiner is that you 
 are apt to be credited with omniscience. Whereas " to know 
 anything one must not know many things." The late 
 Mrs Lowther, mother of the Speaker, once unexpectedly 
 asked me whether it was pronounced '^eeder down" or "iider 
 down," and everybody glancing at me as they would to 
 observe the effect of a shot on a mark — I replied " eether or 
 iither " — and it pleased them. But I generally run no risk 
 and reply, " It is H.M.I. 's duty to ask not answer questions." 
 In reply to the frequent question — "Are you a liberal?" 
 I answer, " Madam, I am an Inspector of Schools." 
 
CHAPTEE XV 
 
 THE EAST SUFFOLK PRIZE SCHEME 
 
 From the earliest days of my inspection no taunt was more 
 frequently thrown in my teeth than, " Fancy a man judging 
 needlework," for it seemed not to occur to these critics that 
 the best cooks are men, while male-tailor made garments are 
 a luxury accessible to but few. I must plead guilty to mis- 
 taking, early in my inspection days, a very bad darn for a 
 herring-bone — the stitches being so like the off shoots from 
 the vertical column of that fish. Of course I covered my 
 retreat by complaining of the bad light, and reduced the 
 managers to respectful silence by making a note about the 
 windows in my report. One of my colleagues said he had 
 but one simple test — which very rarely failed him — If the 
 buttons would anything like go into the button holes, he 
 pronounced the sewing satisfactory. 
 
 On the other hand in pre-Scheme days I was informed that 
 there were no garments for my inspection — because " the 
 mistress had had a bad thumb." The work of cutting out 
 garments for a class of sixty girls was often undertaken by 
 the teacher, obviously to her and their disadvantage. The 
 fine stitches were blinding ; and a notion prevailed that the 
 finer the stitch, the better the work, etc., etc. 
 
 It was to remedy these and other faults, especially the 
 idea that education was too bookish, that the Prize Scheme, 
 for the history of which I refer my readers to Appendix III. 
 was started in 1881. At the first meeting of amateur judges 
 each lady, holding up the garment of the school of which 
 she was a manager, regretted that ^^ whatever the merits of 
 the other specimens might be, they could not excel the one 
 in her hands." Consequently we were compelled to have 
 London judges — and a more melancholy duty than that of 
 being present at the judging has rarely fallen to my lot ; 
 
 193 
 
194 THE SCHEME 
 
 for each new judge spent most of her energy in condemna- 
 tion of the methods of her predecessor — a state of things 
 harrowing beyond description to the competitors. 
 
 For the first three years of the Scheme's existence, speci- 
 mens were thrust before my eyes by the sewing mistresses, 
 so to speak, embracing me from behind, with the simple 
 question (the names being hidden) " which is the best ? " — 
 but I survived and lived to see many a beneficent result 
 of that institution. As in all good work, e.g. the swing in 
 golf, the body in skating, etc., the easiest and simplest method 
 was proved to be the best ; unnecessary strain was avoided ; 
 and furthermore the silent specimens were more eloquent 
 than any code instructions. Inefficiency shrank away con- 
 founded — and full of resolve to improve. The idea sprang 
 from the marvellous improvement in vegetables, etc., effected 
 by a village show, in my father-in-law's parish of Launton, 
 and it is strange that the squires and farmers who are so 
 enthusiastic in bringing out the best in educating horses, 
 dogs, and cows, etc., are so slow to appreciate the benefit 
 derived from the education of men. Sadowa was called the 
 victory of the elementary school master^ and the school- 
 master's famous victory over the guardsman in the East Suffolk 
 Prize Scheme military drill competition points the same way. 
 
 Of course we had our troubles; e.g. when Miss Lowther 
 most kindly lent valuables to exhibit, the notices of " Do 
 not touch " and " Please take one " from a neighbouring 
 heap of circulars, got mixed. The valuables went, and the 
 circulars remained ; and when I borrowed a hideous table, 
 on which to place some exhibits, a leading squire ignored all 
 but the table itself and asked me, where he could procure 
 one like it ! And this, when I had carefully covered the table 
 with calico, to hide its cheap ugliness. 
 
 A rural mistress, in reply to my remonstrance — " No poster 
 up in the village," replied — 
 
 " Oh yes it is sir — it's on the dresser in my back kitchen" 
 and a fair specimen of reasons for absence on the gala day 
 was that of a mistress who " had to change a cheque." The 
 clergy, did not attend the meetings well, though they always 
 spoke warmly in praise of them. " It will be on the eve 
 of my going for my much needed holiday," etc. 
 1 "Modern Times," M'DougaU, p. 242. 
 
THE SCHEME 195 
 
 At the Paris exhibition of 1900 specimens were chosen from 
 the Scheme exhibits by a National Committee in England. 
 
 In no branch of instruction was the magic touch of that 
 Scheme more in evidence than in the singing. Suffolk had 
 long been abandoned as hopelessly unmusical ; and instances 
 like that of the master, who said, " Excuse me sir — but we 
 don't take part-singing. The fact is we kind of Holloa to- 
 gether," could be multiplied. Another old-fashioned master 
 spoke more of the truth than he meant when he said; 
 "We teach it here on Howler's system." (He meant 
 Hullah's.) 
 
 And yet I have heard the shabbiest and poorest of men 
 in the streets of towns lightening their step or their task, 
 as if their heads were in heaven, while their feet were on 
 earth, by whistling or humming some such musical comedy 
 ditties as " I've got a motter, — Always be merry and bright " 
 — ditties doomed to murderous treatment, years and years 
 after, in the provinces. 
 
 An experience of one of my colleagues will serve best as 
 a specimen of the way they did things in the good old days, 
 and this was in a county reputed musical — a fortiori, it 
 was worse in Suffolk. The evangelical and deaf old squire 
 is welcoming a fresh H.M.I. — whom we will call Mr B. suc- 
 ceeding Mr A. 
 
 " How do you do Mr B. I'm so glad it's not Mr A." 
 
 " Quite well, thanks " 
 
 " Whaat ? " The answer has to be repeated thrice — but 
 that is a trifle compared with the sequel, when the unfortunate 
 Mr B. has to repeat, with increasing loudness, answers which 
 being rather polite than truthful, Mr B. would much rather 
 have been saved the pain of saying even once. 
 
 " Mr A. was a bit of a radical — are you ? — are you ? " 
 
 Mr B.— ' Not muchr 
 
 Squire — "Whaat ? " (answer repeated thrice). As it happens 
 Mr B. was a bit that way. 
 
 Squire — " I'm glad. You and I'll get onnn — " 
 
 The same process repeated with " Ritualist." 
 
 Squire — " Do you believe in baptismal regeneration — 
 and that sort of thing ? I don't call it gospel. Mr A. did." 
 
 Mr 5.—" Well-er— I don't quite— er." 
 
 Squire — " Whaat " shouting as before. 
 
196 THE SCHEME 
 
 Perspiration on Mr B.'s brow — how long is his politeness 
 to go on sacrificing his principle ? It is the repetition that 
 makes it so painful. He has to shout out his own perfidy, 
 over and over again ! 
 
 Squire — " I see — you and I'll get onnn. Are you fond of 
 singing ? " 
 
 Mr B. (who being very musical, is beginning to feel for 
 his watch) " yeees " (repeated as before). 
 
 Squire — " Would you like to hear something sung by the 
 children. It is beeuuutifool — beeutifool ! " 
 
 The children, stifi as trussed fowls, in a line along the 
 wall and desperately resisting the temptation to wave their 
 bodies from side to side, after some tedious delay break 
 forth into : 
 
 " Yer must not work on Sundee — 
 Becorz it is a sin — 
 But you may work on Mondee— 
 Tuesdee — Wednesdee — Thursdee — Fridee — 
 Till Sundee come agin 
 Till Sundee come agin." 
 
 The harshness, tune and jingle can only be orally rendered. 
 It is, something like emptying gravel carts. 
 
 Squire — " Isn't it heeeutifuU—Whaat ? " It's no use — 
 Mr B. has to shriek" yees " again and again — if it's only to get 
 away ! " That hymn Mr B. — brought a whole familee to 
 a sense of their spiritual shortcomings — that hymn, sir, was 
 instrumental, under Providential guidance, in the salvation 
 of a whole Familee I . . ." 
 
 This was the parting shot ! 
 
 Sir Brampton Gurdon used to say that every human being 
 should be taught to walk in the water as well as on land ; 
 and this all the more in places, like East Suffolk, where many 
 of the inhabitants may be described as amphibious. That 
 the scheme has worked wonders for swimming is undeniable 
 and the newspaper cuttings before me as I write, prove how 
 unnecessary are the annual human sacrifices to the Demon 
 Apathy. " The river will have its toll of life " begins one 
 of these extracts ; and in another (1905) the Coroner's chief 
 complaint is not they could not swim ; but that there was no 
 line on the life-buoy ! 
 
THE SCHEME 197 
 
 Ignorance dies hard, counterfeiting knowledge to the last, 
 and " there is not one in ten of the Lowestoft fishermen, 
 who can swim," said a Lowestoft official in 1906.1 
 
 " Swimming only prolongs the agony " is the fallacy it 
 hugs in this instance. 
 
 And what about the drowning of about 100 in the harbour 
 at Hamburg, " while the band was playing on deck — amid 
 dancing, singing and chatter ? " or that awful case in the 
 Waveney where the helpless father saw his son drown, a few 
 yards ofi, in still water. 
 
 But as I write the Lowestoft boys are passing my window 
 with towels under their arms — and thanks to the Scheme, 
 the battle is won. At one of those soul-stirring annual com- 
 petitions at the Kirkley baths, whose proprietor has been 
 so generous a friend of the Scheme, I sat next to a Lowestoft 
 nonconformist who, to console himself for the triumphs of 
 places like Wangford or Wickham Market with their brooks 
 rather than rivers, whispered to me — 
 
 " You see we have no water at Lowestoft " ! 
 
 Even an ear accustomed, as one whose duty it is to recom- 
 mend grants must be, to similar excuses, was staggered. I 
 remember a Wesleyan School in the North, years ago, where 
 I complained of a lack of books, " Well, you see only last 
 week we found our supplies so overwhelming, we simply 
 had to choose between reducing the accommodation or 
 lightening the ship," was the reply. 
 
 In connection with the scheme, ^ Wangford has proved 
 
 * East Anglian Daily Times, 12th August 1911 : — 
 
 " Sir, — Five of the inquests which I have held this week have been 
 upon the bodies of persons — adults and children — accidentally drowned. 
 In every case the deceased had no knowledge whatever of swimming. 
 In every case (except perhaps one), if the deceased had had even an 
 elementary knowledge, death would, in all probability, not have en- 
 sued. I hold many inquests upon the bodies of drowned persons. 
 The evidence almost invariably shows that the deceased was unable to 
 swim. I cannot but think that all school children (whether attending 
 elementary or secondary schools) should be taught to swim. There 
 are few exercises which are at once so healthful, pleasant, and, at 
 times, so vitally useful. — I am, etc., A. F. Vulliamy, 
 
 Coroner for Suffolk.** 
 
 "Ipswich, August 11, 1911." 
 
 * A touching instance of the wide-spread sense of the need of in- 
 struction in swimming was furnished by the stone-breaker on the road 
 
198 THE SCHEME 
 
 once more that despised villages may lead tlie world. Any- 
 how it led a county, when it sent up to London that illustrated 
 history book, destined to occupy a distinguished place in 
 the Imperial Exhibition — and still more when its marvellous 
 energy in teaching the children to swim overcame obstacles 
 that seemed to be insurmountable. If I may be excused 
 a personal digression, I have swimming in my blood — and 
 on one occasion, when calling on the poet and finding him 
 out, in course of a chat on that subject with his secretary, I 
 communicated the fact that I myself held the vellum for 
 saving life. A certain expression of incredulity spreading 
 over his face — a penalty which the truthful often have to 
 pay for the lies of the untruthful — I " pulled up sharp," 
 so to speak. A day or two after, at the end of a kind letter 
 from him to express the regret of the poet at having missed 
 me — I read the secretary's name — 
 
 It was the very same which was on my vellum. 
 
 " Are you," I inquired in my next letter, " any relation of " 
 etc. A letter full of regrets, gratitude and ample apologies 
 from him was the result. It was his own brother — but as 
 the brother was dead, and the rescue took place so many 
 years ago — it had slipped, etc., etc. He will not doubt my 
 word again. 
 
 When I conducted a reading party at Clovelly, which gave 
 me the idea for " Picture Logic," — subsequently developed 
 at Sompting Kectory — I narrowly escaped drowning, having 
 gone out by myself to bathe in a boat — because the seamen 
 refused to venture out of the harbour in the rough sea. I 
 forgot that the wind had more power on the high sides of 
 the empty boat than on a swimmer, and I had an awful 
 struggle to overtake it and climb in. It was while there that 
 that most charming of men^ Canon Kawnsley, shared a smack 
 with us, and two seamen, when a storm kept us under the 
 shelter of Lundy Isle all night. 
 
 I had another narrow escape when swimming round the 
 island at Tenby — for the woman told me I must keep close 
 to the shore to avoid the current ; but when I had doubled 
 the point, I found that the rocks which were being blasted 
 
 near Wangf ord, who sent a message to the spirited and cheery school- 
 master of the school there. " Please to accept 6d. towards the expenses 
 from me, Sir ; I lost my two sons at sea." 
 
THE SCHEME 199 
 
 above were falling thickly into the water, where the workmen 
 could not see me. 
 
 I also swam across the Menai straits at night-fall — and 
 (to my shame, though it helps me to sympathise with youth's 
 folly) played a trick on a Brighton boatman, who pestered 
 me to bathe from his boat. 
 
 After simulating a nervous dread of plunging into deep 
 water for fear I should never come up again — until even his 
 iron nerve was affected ; I dived down deep, and out of his 
 sight, turned, swam under the boat, and came up twenty 
 yards the other side — to be the amused spectator of his 
 back, while with wild struggles he strove to locate me. . . . 
 
 But he failed to appreciate the joke — and we had a very 
 melancholy row home. 
 
 But to resume-^self being a seductive subject. 
 
 Should the poor be debarred from books ? Are they not 
 the class that need them most ? The privileged few who 
 have access to the best minds in the flesh may dispense with 
 reading ; but the vast majority cannot enjoy such access. 
 People who cannot get fresh meat or fruit must be con- 
 tent with that preserved in tins, and books may fairly be 
 called " tinned mind." 
 
 The East Suffolk Teachers' Circulating Library, started by 
 the Scheme, is or was unique. But, like all good things, it was 
 difficult to start. Here are five, selected from many examples — 
 
 1. H.M.I.—'' How did you like your book ? " 
 
 Teacher — " The teachers each side of me like theirs, and 
 I shall mine." 
 
 H.M.I.—'' How did you ? " 
 
 Teacher — " Never looked beyond the title-page, as it was 
 on some very dry subject — teaching, I think." 
 
 2. " Travels in Africa." She is charmed, delighted, etc. 
 " Here's a second volume.''^ 
 
 Too much for her self-control — " What ! two of 'em ? " 
 in a voice of dismay. 
 
 3. The books wHl no doubt be instructive — to assistants 
 and pupil teachers. 
 
 4. I think you are under a misapprehension. Are you 
 aware you are speaking to the holder of a first-class teacher's 
 certificate ? 
 
 5. Mine was a very dry one — " Fire-fountains." 
 
200 THE SCHEME 
 
 Unfortunately all libraries are apt to be abused — the husks 
 chosen and the nourishment rejected, for, strangely enough, 
 old and young would rather read falsehood about what they 
 ought not to know, than truth about what they ought to know. 
 
 I remember once at a village school, after I had spoken on 
 Books, a lad asked me to visit a neighbouring cottage where I 
 found a nonagenarian peasant, whose wife told me, " She 
 did not know what he would do with himself but for reading." 
 
 " The Bible "—she went on—" that's first." 
 
 " Certainly," was my pleased rejoinder ; " and close to it 
 come them murders in the paper. He dew love them." I 
 moved toward the door — somewhat disconcerted. She fol- 
 lowed me to the gate. 
 
 "You don't fare to think," she whispered, in a tone of 
 deepest anxiety, having evidently misread my expression, 
 " them murders is likely to come to an end. I don't know 
 what he would. . . ." 
 
 " Oh, no, there is no cause for alarm on that score. Good- 
 night," I replied. 
 
 But even that is better than the Cambridgeshire octogenarian 
 cottage couple, to whom the late Hector of Melton told me 
 he paid a visit, at the request of a friend, to see what 
 true happiness was. 
 
 " And how do you pass your time ? " inquired the Kector. 
 
 " Well, I don' no ; 'ere we sits and we looks and looks — 
 till we hates the werry sight of one another." 
 
 But too much cannot yet be expected ; until we have 
 advanced further from recent days of school libraries — con- 
 taining gifts of (for example) the first Encyclopedia (1837), 
 Logarithms, and a well-thumbed description of demi-monde 
 life, which would bring a blush to the cheek of even a member 
 of the demi-monde. 
 
 To return to the Scheme. The late Duke of Devonshire's 
 
 letter may be interesting. 
 
 ^ ^ » IQih July 1901. 
 
 " Dear Mr Swinburne, — In confirmation of my telegram 
 of to-day, I write to say that the Duke fears he must ask 
 you to omit the " Ode of Welcome " from the programme, and 
 also to say that he strongly objects to the suggestion that his 
 carriage should be dragged up from the station. 
 
 " I should think you ought to have no difficulty in obtaining 
 
THE SCHEME 201 
 
 horses who do not mind the noise of the bands, etc., but, if 
 there is any difficulty about the matter, the Duke says he 
 does not see why he and Lady Stradbroke should not walk 
 up to the Exhibition as the distance is so short. But I have 
 no doubt you will find it quite easy to arrange for horses. — 
 Yours truly, Riversdale Walrond." 
 
 Sir Joshua Fitch, who so warmly praised the Scheme, is 
 the author of the " Manual on Teaching " still recommended by 
 the Board of Education. Quite recently the Scheme was 
 described, by another very high official, as Mr Swinburne's 
 ''admirable Educational Gymkhana.'' 
 
 For twenty-nine years — with success after success, each 
 year surpassing its predecessor — the Scheme, having emerged 
 from initial clouds of jealousy, shone on Suffolk, with a 
 blameless beneficence that turned everything it touched into 
 gold, and capable of adapting itself with perfect elasticity 
 to all the latest developments. Its certificates may be found 
 in countless cottages in East Suffolk to this day. But clouds 
 of jealousy were to darken its orbit once more. 
 
 Faultless, I said, it was, but it had one fault. It was not 
 the L.E.A.'s child, while the L.E.A. itself was Whitehall's 
 child ; and when that infant institution made mistakes 
 its fond dam would (like a mother in a railway train) plead 
 its tender years to irate fellow-passengers. The L.E.A.'s 
 original attitude towards the Scheme was foreshadowed by its 
 late chairman's remark to a schoolmistress who had pointed 
 out my photo, as president of the Scheme, hung up in a school. 
 
 " Who's that ? " he asked. 
 
 " Mr Swinburne, sir." 
 
 " And who was that other I saw in the infants' room ? " 
 
 " Mr Swinburne, sir." 
 
 The reverend gentleman then made use of a naughty word, 
 which the mistress told me she feared must have been over- 
 heard by the children. But no man ever meant better or 
 worked harder than he did. 
 
 Moreover, the Scheme had other faults, for which (like 
 Socrates) it suffered. It brought no pecuniary gain to 
 anyone. It had nothing to do with the army, or navy, or 
 pheasants, etc. Its benefit to the Church and Chapel-choirs, 
 being indirect, escaped notice. 
 
202 THE SCHEME 
 
 I wish I had space to repeat what Dr Crowfoot, Alderman 
 of the County Council, one of the most charming and cultured 
 of men, said about the Scheme. But, alas ! the great maternal 
 Whitehall listens fondly to her own little offspring the L.E.A. ; 
 — and the L.E.A. have, in turn, their own little offspring to 
 cherish, though it has yet to be shown whether rural L.E.A.'s 
 are educationists at heart.^ 
 
 Furthermore, the scores of times new clergy and others 
 have visited the Scheme Exhibitions for a first time and left, 
 protesting solemnly they would never miss another meeting, 
 and in a little year we saw their faces no more. 
 
 But " it only helped a few" (an objection to which, by the 
 way, all titles, prizes, and the like are open). Helped a few ! 
 As each head-teacher, assistant, and child — and none were 
 keener supporters than the child — gazed at the specimens 
 of drill, singing, writing, drawing, needlework, cookery, 
 vegetables, woodwork, etc., their ideas were enlarged, their 
 standard raised, and, above all, they realised the unspeak- 
 ably blessed truth, that the best work is ever simple, and 
 half the fussy efforts to teach the subject are ignorant waste 
 of time and energy. The voice of fault-finding ever grates 
 on the ear — and souls are drawn, not driven to Heaven — 
 the silent witness of the admirable exhibits was like a still 
 small voice that does not grate on the ear. 
 
 Of course the usual outcry was raised. " Exhibitions 
 foster forcing, special preparation, extra time, etc." These 
 are but the subterfuges of jealous inferiority, and they are 
 made of the very stuff that killed the excellent merit grant 
 of old and killed the heads of the law and the Church in 
 Wat Tyler's time, and would now kill the House of Lords. 
 Managers could easily check any abuses of exhibition ; 
 what blessing cannot be abused ? 
 
 The Ipswich Teachers were half prevailed on to enroll 
 
 1 The shock it was to me when I first discovered that Rural School 
 Boards, set up to champion Education, were really stabbing it in the 
 back — " Et tu, School Board ! " But Bishop Welldon's use of the word 
 bureaucracy in connection with the Board of Education, and Mr 
 Francis Cox's " whole-hearted sincerity — much exceeding that of a 
 mere salaried ofiicial " — suggest uncomfortable reflections as to whether 
 the Rural Board and the L.E.A, are the only offenders in this direc- 
 tion. The shock of my green age is lost in the greater shocks of my 
 maturity. 
 
THE SCHEME 208 
 
 themselves, but " country teachers," they said, " did not so 
 often meet as town ones, and if they competed they could not 
 meet one another." Of course, if the competition were com- 
 pulsory, I agree with them, but they would not even exhibit. 
 But what can I say when even the learned professions would 
 agree with them. I can only take refuge in Carlisle's well- 
 known dictum about nine out of ten ordinary people. 
 But worst fault of all, the Scheme was loved of the old 
 Pharaoh ; and there came a new Pharaoh, who (if a beetle 
 that crawls at the base of a towering pyramid, may presume 
 to know anything about the summit), though a born leader 
 of men, and one who never spares himself, would seem in his 
 devotion to Secondary Education, and in the unwieldly bulk 
 of his colossal work (Elementary and Secondary Education, 
 combined), to occupy the position of the man who could be 
 "so happy with either, were t'other dear charmer away." 
 After all, the beetle's head is nearer the ground, and so, 
 farther from the clouds ; and Siam is scarcely a model 
 training school. 
 
 Anyhow, the leading article in the leading East Anglian 
 newspaper agrees with the beetle (March 5, 1905) : — 
 " So far back as 1882, we were able to speak of the Prize 
 Scheme, as ' an inestimable boon to the county,' and since 
 then its sphere of usefulness has been greatly developed. 
 Mr Swinburne's foundation has been quoted with approval 
 by the leading organs of the English Press, and it has enjoyed 
 the kindly patronage of Her Royal Highness the Princess 
 Christian, as well as of the leading lights in the educational 
 world," and that newspaper has had so little in the way of 
 advertisement, etc. from us, that its consistent praise of the 
 scheme from the beginning, proves it to be a true friend of 
 the people for their own sake. After its denunciation of 
 Red Tape, one pictures the Scheme and its two children, 
 the Library and Swimming, as a Laocoon in those deadly folds. 
 And it does seem strange if the Education Authority in a 
 County becomes the means of stamping out an admittedly 
 excellent educational institution. 
 
 Had it not been for the mistaken idea that it was I, and 
 not the board of Education, who was responsible for the con- 
 demnation of things formerly approved, I believe the clergy 
 would have rebelled in my behalf. That vicious practice of 
 
204 THE SCHEME 
 
 (so to speak) unrecommending things previously recom- 
 mended, a practice to which Inspectors, who are unfamiliar 
 with the condition of things as things used to be, are liable, 
 reminds one of the disastrous spectacle of a sow devouring 
 her own offspring, or, which practically amounts to the same, 
 sitting on them. I keep pigs. 
 
 The best name I ever saw was the one I saw to-day on a 
 Pakefield fisherman's boat, " My own " — and the Scheme was 
 my own. " A poor thing, my Lord," said a clergyman intro- 
 ducing his wife to the bishop, " but My own," and the wife 
 added, as the Scheme might say, if it could speak : — 
 
 " A poorer thing but my owner " ; and I certainly have been 
 a " poorer thing " since those happy days of the children's 
 carnival ; while I am proud to think that managers, teachers, 
 and children, miss, almost as much as the bereaved founder, 
 and, for twenty-five years president, those festivals — first in 
 tabernacles in Saxmundham and then in the splendid ac- 
 commodation at Ipswich.i 
 
 ^ Two tributes to the Scheme, one from London, the other from 
 Chicago, prove that the great world may owe something even to its 
 little corners. 
 
 Fred. Mobbs, a Lowestoft boy, and Victor Larke, a Beccles boy, 
 both won distinctions at the Scheme Competitions — one for drawing, 
 the other for swimming. The Daily Mail, October 16th, '05, tells how 
 the former subsequently at the age of fifteen submitted his pencil sketch 
 to the late Sir Henry Irving, and how that kind-hearted actor signed 
 the portrait of himself (with many encouraging expressions of interest 
 then as well as previously) a quarter of an hour before his real death, 
 so tragically following close upon his imitation death in " Thomas a 
 Becket." 
 
 The Chicago Tribune, August 31st, '05 : " Larke swam with the young 
 woman a quarter of a mile through heavy breakers. . . . She was 
 exhausted. . . . The rescue was witnessed by many guests of the hotel, 
 and the young man received numerous flowers, and messages of praise 
 and congratulation. Larke, who is eighteen years old, won a medal for 
 swimming in Suffolk, England, in 1898." 
 
CHAPTEE XVI 
 
 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 How often have I enjoyed the lessons given by East Suffolk 
 teachers, and how much they have taught me. The lectures 
 formerly heard have disappeared from these parts, and one 
 may, on every side, watch the process of drawing out [i.e. 
 educating) the mental faculties of the children, with the 
 wonder which the sight of a past master of such an art as 
 fly-fishing, for example, elicits. 
 
 A yet better illustration of true pedagogy is furnished by 
 the well-known picture of the Highland lassie crossing a stream, 
 and " leading the feet," seems at all events to sound like a 
 better interpretation of the Greek word than " leading the 
 child." She does not lift or carry the bairn who follows her, 
 but, on the other hand, she does not fail to turn and ever 
 reassure and guide, as the trembling little feet advance from 
 slippery stone to slippery stone — water and self-help deepen- 
 ing side by side. 
 
 The East Suffolk teachers of the present day will hold their 
 own against any body of teachers in the world ; and their 
 admirable skill in handling classes is partly accountable for 
 the reluctance of the clergy to essay the same art — the very 
 modesty which springs from true culture thus tending to 
 deprive the country of the beneficent influences of the latter. 
 But the two spheres are absolutely distinct ; and there is 
 plenty of room for both kinds of teaching, which should 
 go hand in hand, as I have so often found in the best 
 schools. 
 
 I am sure the teachers of East Suffolk will not misunder- 
 stand the spirit in which, in order to show the vast improve- 
 ment that has been effected, I call attention to a few specimens 
 of old-fashioned instruction. 
 
 The North Country and the East Anglian types are as likely 
 
 805 
 
206 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 to blend as oil and water. A Scotcli head set over a South 
 Country subordinate generally comes to grief ; and the 
 stupefaction of modern Suffolk children, suddenly subjected 
 to the fresh importation of a noisy Yorkshireman of doubtful 
 antecedents but cheap, like the following, is an experience 
 worth recording. 
 
 Hidden behind the blackboard I took notes, as, like the 
 ghost in Hamlet, I had my times to appear, and in the 
 religious instruction I was only dimly visible. 
 
 Golf is often taught by pictures, showing how not to do it, 
 and schoolmasters must not think me didactic. If I am, they 
 are my didaskeloi. All I know they have taught me. I 
 give them but their own. 
 
 The parson who makes a rainless inspection day a subject 
 of prayer, and lays his school " at the foot of the throne of 
 Grace," and carefully leaves it there, shunning the priceless, 
 though anything but showy, duty of teaching the children 
 himself — a duty as hotly fought for on platforms as it is too 
 often shirked in practice — is accountable for some strange 
 religious instruction. 
 
 For the schoolmaster, or mistress, resembles the mind in 
 being his " own place " and able to make a Heaven of Hell — 
 — a Hell of Heaven. 
 
 Imagine the idea presented to the children in a " game " 
 county by the Yorkshireman who, in a physical geography 
 lesson, told them : " This Globe is encircled in hair. The 
 hair will roon out. Did you ever sit on a hair cushion ? The 
 hair rooshes in and forces the water down." 
 
 Their only idea of a " hair cushion " was a hare's form. 
 
 I used to find some of the importations from other counties 
 anything but improvements on our Suffolk teachers. 
 
 Here is another by that Yorkshireman, some twenty years 
 ago:— 
 
 " Now ! ! " (all jump) ; " another parrrable — be'old a sower 
 went forth to sow " — " But oooooo " (to rhyme with " who ") 
 " HARR the sowers ? " 
 
 Dead silence — and then, after one or two faint though, 
 reasonable attempts^stifled promptly — 
 
 "Hi HAM." 
 
 " If I give you a lesson on harithmatic, or spellin', and 
 this gentleman comes to reap the 'arvest. Where is it ? 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 207 
 
 What comes of the seed ? Why, it's fallen on the 'ard road 
 side — and hi gets the blame ! " 
 
 " Now ! " (all jump). " What's a myrrrrakle — No . . . 
 No . . . No. Why, m'U tell yer — if a 'orse took flight, 
 it's a myrrakle if it stopped." Audible sigh of relief from 
 whitefaced class, who would have gone on guessing for hours, 
 but for his merciful eagerness to be funny. 
 
 Accustomed as they were to " stiff uns " this broke the 
 record : — 
 
 " Why didn't they believe 'im without myrakles ? Hi'll 
 tell yer. 'Cos 'E was born so low. the times that you've 
 'ad that text drilled into yer. Yah ! Forgotten it again — the 
 foxes AVOLES. Fill them hoop to the brim. What does a 
 coop do when filled hoop to the brim ? Hi'U tell yer. 
 Boon over." Many sensible answers had been snubbed — 
 for his own insensate one, of course. It need not run over, 
 and thus I plainly read in the children's eyes. " When's a 
 man the best joogg " (judge) ? " When he's had plenty — 
 Bear it to the Goovernor — What hever thy 'and findeth, 
 etc." 
 
 But the recapitulation is worse — the children leaping up 
 like Jack-in-the-boxes on the spring of his questions and 
 flopping down again limp on their seats. 
 
 He— "What is a parable?" They— " An earthly story 
 with a heavenly meaning." 
 
 He — " Is it ? Simple non-sense, and what could be 
 expected with that hignorant predecessor of mine. Hi'U 
 tell yer — what it is. A hordinary narrative with a hextra- 
 hordinary signification " (sensation of awe which soothes him 
 for a moment). 
 
 " If I were to tell you about a cotton mill — or a mine — 
 what would you know about it ? . . . you — you ... No 
 — no — why — hi'U tell yer — nuthin ! " 
 
 ** So with our Lord " (here he softens into a whining imita- 
 tion of the vicar — and is soothed with the sweet semblance 
 of preaching) " when he was a talkin' about 'evan." 
 
 " Now, the PARR Able of the VEENyard " (all jump at veen 
 —it cuts even the air)? 
 
 " There are two sorts of people — What are they ? " 
 
 "No ... No ... No .. . GOOD and BAD." 
 
 *' Now ! " (start). " What is more dreadful than keepin' 
 
208 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 PIGS." (Dismay — to keep pigs is with them as to be knighted 
 with us). . . . 
 
 " Why lookin' arter 'em of course. . . . How stoopid 
 you are. You've only got to remember — fust 'e began to 
 think — then to talk — then to hact. And I perish with 
 
 . . . 'UNGER." 
 
 "With what?" "'Unger." "With what?" 
 " 'Ungerrrrrrrr." 
 
 The simultaneous whine is long-drawn to appease his 
 growing anger — as savages propitiate evil spirits. " The 
 YUNGER is never supposed to have so much sense as the ? 
 . . . no — no — HOLDER. ..." 
 
 He—" What is riotous living ? " They—" Drink." He- 
 wincing — " Non — sense — " 
 
 " Began to think" (solemnly). " When you — come — to — 
 difficult — words — to spell — what are you to do . . . think ! " 
 
 " Now suppose there was one raised from the dead in this 
 village— what would they do ? " " Wonder ? " " Nooo " 
 (after many reasonable answers crushed). He — " Talk. . . ." 
 
 (To me.) " Yes — sir — you'd like to see a written answer ? 
 — certainly ! " (writes on blackboard) (1) Prod, son — (2) Eich 
 M. and L. like algebraic '' forms," for them to choose between. 
 " No, Tom, you've 'ad Prod, so often — and you've 'art disease 
 — you take the rich man." As I watch, he grows more and 
 more excited. " Now mind the spellin'. ... To help 
 yer, I'll write one word — potion — on blackboard." He 
 meant portion ! He cannot resist plunging in again ; and 
 looking over a girl's slate from behind her — yells — " Prodi — 
 Prodi — yes — that's right — mean to say you can't spell gal. 
 0' course you're all muddellin' it — do just remember — fust 
 he began to think — then to — then to talk — then — to hact 
 — yer can't get wrong then." 
 
 Ceaseless roar ("I know you'll disgrace me, and copy ") 
 in the midst of which, suddenly — with intense relief — " Koob 
 it all out — it's turned XII. and she 'asn't begun the 'ymn " — 
 and he flings the door open with a glance of triumph at my 
 disappointment at not having seen those slates. His wife 
 begins shrilling at the top of her broken voice — that never 
 was a voice — from the teacher's room — " Peace — perfect 
 peace — in this dark world of . . ." etc. The children shriek 
 almost as shrilly, while the master's roarings and darts and 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 209 
 
 pouncings in the main room complete an indescribable scene 
 of harshness and confusion. 
 
 Yet one more by the same, also heard from a hide behind 
 the blackboard before the secular instruction began. 
 
 Master — ^^ Mo-says — Mo-says — we 'ear a lot about 'im, 
 don't we ? " 
 
 " Yisssss " (under their breath with awe). 
 
 " Mo-says was a great man in 'is day, wasn't 'e ? " 
 
 " Yissss." 
 
 May I be forgiven if I was fanciful but I could have sworn 
 I detected a note of something like disappointment and 
 jealousy in the master's next question. 
 
 " Yea — I suppose he was. Would he have been in our 
 day ? " 
 
 Bewilderment in the faces of the class — turned inquiringly 
 from one to another for the clue — which did the master want 
 — yes or no ? 
 
 Question repeated in a sterner tone. 
 
 Still silence — with rising fears — they are Suffolk children. 
 
 " In hour day — with the schoolmaster abroad — with me — 
 Mr— 'ere." 
 
 No more hesitation. 
 
 " Noooooo." 
 
 Habits cannot be shaken off in a day. I once met a school- 
 master in Lancashire whose extraordinary success (he drew 
 about £500 a year) had left its mark upon him. He was so 
 accustomed to say — shh — that he could not refrain from 
 using the word even in ordinary conversation, and as far as 
 I can remember, the following is a reproduction of his greeting 
 to me when I inspected the school. 
 
 " Good morning, sir, I always feel so pleased to say to you 
 — SHHH — no — no — what a comfort it is to me that you are 
 my inspector, and what a privilege it is to be able to say 
 unreservedly to you — shh — I mean — how grateful I am to 
 you." 
 
 " You were going to say — shhh — dear me ! when I inter- 
 rupted you by telling you my wife advised me when next you 
 spoke to me to say — shh — ahem ! how deeply grateful we 
 both are to you. We never can sufficiently repeat this — 
 shh — no — no — to you, sir, indeed we cannot," and so on. 
 
 Some of the rural teachers I found thirty years ago, though 
 
210 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 they generally bore out Goldsmith's inimitable description, 
 occasionally marred their many good points by conceit 
 similar to the Yorkshireman's. 
 
 Mr of Snoreham Magna — nicknamed " Flums " 
 
 from his frequent use of the order " Feet together, fold 
 arms," had a very happy time of it. 
 
 Now Whitehall might fulminate in vain about the needful 
 classrooms for Snoreham, but Snoreham slept peacefully on ; 
 but what did stir Snoreham Magna to its very depth was, 
 what they were doing at the neighbouring village, Snoreham 
 Parva. If Snoreham Parva had a classroom, Snoreham 
 Magna would go through fire and water to have one too. 
 Now Flums was a sort of Upas tree deeply rooted in what he 
 called the brainlessness of the Snoreham Magna children. 
 The vicar's wife annually assured me that partly from inter- 
 marriage, partly from innate stupidity, the Snoreham Magna 
 children were practically imbeciles. She had it on the 
 schoolmaster's own authority ; and all the while I was 
 haunted with a presentiment that the children were being 
 sacrificed. But Molochs are not easily torn from their 
 pedestals; and I have the less hesitation in recording this 
 experience, as I have proved again and again that keen as the 
 National Union of Teachers is to safeguard the best interests 
 of those whom it represents, it is ever and most wisely to 
 the fore in condemnation of anything like pretentious in- 
 efficiency, and the same may be said of those who have 
 for so many years supported me in my efforts for the 
 public good — my true friends — the teachers of East 
 Suffolk. 
 
 At that time the vicar's wife was equally positive that the 
 Board of Education had only one object in view — to destroy 
 voluntary schools — and on my solemnly assuring her that 
 this was the very opposite of the truth, expressed her pro- 
 found regret that she must believe the assertion of many 
 rather than the assertion of one, and that one an inspector ; 
 and the vicar partly from chivalrous support of his school- 
 master — for which no one respected him more than I did — 
 half-agreed with his better half. For years I had to endure 
 such instruction as " What can you tell me about the popula- 
 tion of India ? " 
 
 Various creditable answers were suppressed by a stentorian 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 211 
 
 *' Nonsense — Flums " ; for they were not the answer he had 
 in his mind — which proved to be — " The population of India 
 includes three Great Snoreham boys — trained at this school 
 — doing splendidly." 
 
 Or—" Bristol Channel "—(contemptuously) : "Why Bristol ? 
 Why not Great Snoreham Channel ? " 
 
 Or — "If you were in the planet of Jupiter what place 
 would first arrest your attention, if you pointed your glass 
 to England ? " 
 
 Again several passable answers are snubbed for his own, 
 which is — " Great Snoreham " — and (will it be believed ?) 
 the most conspicuous figure in Great Snoreham if the glass 
 was strong enough would be ? 
 
 " The doctor." 
 
 " No." 
 
 "The rector." 
 
 " No " — folding his own arms this time, and drawing 
 himself to his full height—" Myself." 
 
 Belief came at last. The workhouse children had been 
 incorporated in the school, and the rector wrote to me telling 
 me that his schoolmaster was grievously disquieted by the 
 conviction that "that inspector " would now indulge his well- 
 known animus by laying their inefficiency at his — the school- 
 master's — innocent door. Thereupon I promised in writing 
 that the attainments of these immigrants should not be 
 taken into account, and, to make a long story short, as I 
 fully expected, these very attainments were the redeeming 
 feature of the examination. 
 
 Should I act on my promise, or, in the best interests of 
 the school, write again to be excused from it ? I wrote. The 
 eyes of the managers were at length opened, and the rector's 
 subsequent action might fairly be compared to that of Aaron 
 when he stopped the plague — idiotcy this time. Nothing 
 more was heard about imbecility under the schoolmaster's 
 successor during whose tenure of office the Great Snoreham 
 children have won prize after prize in the county competitions, 
 the school being now, as I write, one of the best schools in 
 Suffolk, if not in England. 
 
 Yet two more instances of a conceit now happily 
 extinct. 
 A master leaving in his speech in return for a testimonial 
 
212 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 said, "It is a sad moment, and what I feel most deeply is 
 where they can find a man to take my place." 
 
 A pupil-teacher once wrote — " I have taken cursory glances 
 and sketches of the works of Charles Dickens, and I find . . . 
 that apart from their being a pleasant change from more 
 substantial work, there is nothing to be gained or learned 
 from them." 
 
 The times when to demand written notes was regarded 
 as unreasonable have happily passed away. 
 
 Here is a lesson on botany given before me in the good old 
 days by a certificated assistant in a town girls' school. It 
 will soon be seen how carefully the lesson had been prepared 
 — and with what fatal results. The illustration too consisted 
 of one split bean in the teacher's hand under the shadow of 
 a gas-lit afternoon ; and as the hand was never still, one might 
 presume she wanted them not to see it. 
 
 " You remember the two gentlemen — (managers of this 
 British and Foreign Bible Society School) who spoke so 
 nicely about botany ? The Eev. who was it ? " 
 
 " No — no — you silly girl, not Hilum (pronounced like 
 Oilem). That was in the plant." 
 
 Then, selecting one of the keenest of the bright eyes, 
 parted lips and outstretched hands — " You then." 
 
 Now or never, thinks the girl. " Please Miss, Plumule and 
 Radical," 
 
 " Nonsense, you stupid creatures ! . . . (My reader, have 
 you ever seen the tenderest of loyal expressions sinking 
 under icy rebuff from the teacher they love — 
 
 " Purpureus veluti quum flos succisus aratro 
 Languescit moriens. . . .") 
 
 " Come along, then, never mind that — you remember we 
 said we had two hard words — one meaning — 'straight up' 
 and the other — ' going out sideways ' " (perpendicular and hori- 
 zontal were the sesquipidalia verba she had to some extent 
 spared them, and she little knew the good mark I gave her 
 for so much consideration, the best point in her lesson). 
 
 " You remember ? " Past failure melts in the delight of 
 youthful ardour — it must be right this time. " Please Miss, 
 
 " Well Dorothy, dear ? " 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 213 
 
 " Plumule and Eadical." 
 
 " Sit down, you naughty child " — with concentrated asperity, 
 and a yet sadder sinking in the joy of the class — as the coHs 
 of that cram-snake of her own creation wound faster around 
 the teacher's devoted form under the eyes of her inspector, 
 who only allowed her to continue — mercifully — as a doctor 
 continues a wholesome operation. 
 
 Fresh start — bygones forgotten — " Now my dear children " 
 — and no one forgives quicker and bears less malice than 
 children, especially in groups — " you surely remember the 
 two long words when we spoke of the distinction drawn 
 between the one-leaved and the two-leaved plants — Oh, such 
 difficult words, weren't they, dears ? " 
 
 " Yiss marm " — with the loving gratitude sympathy so 
 quickly evokes from childhood. Needless to say '' dicotyledon, 
 etc.," were what she was driving at. 
 
 There was a tremor of excitement as the chances narrowed 
 — it must be right this time. 
 
 " Well ? " — Plumule — and — Eadical — rolls out again like a 
 wave — only to die away in a moan of disappointment under 
 their teacher's almost tearful — " How can you be so stupid, 
 you silly girls ? " 
 
 At last, it was right — and only to see the face of the girl 
 who lead the chorus and who had persevered to the end 
 through bitter snubbing — victim so often, victor at last, and 
 covered with glory ! 
 
 As to the teacher she looked ten years older at the end of 
 that lesson. She will not cram them again. 
 i May I here add that some head teachers — exceptions of 
 course — seem to think that a certain degradation attaches to 
 the idea that the head teacher should be called on for a lesson. 
 Surely he or she should gladly embrace the opportunity. 
 
 And yet I remember the relief of managers and teachers 
 when one of those supplementary teachers was allowed to 
 be substituted for a pupil-teacher to teach Standard IV. 
 You see, said they, " We have not got to teach her," for they 
 rightly held that as she knew nothing they could build nothing 
 on nothing. Still I think Mr Sharpe's definition — " Animated 
 broomsticks" was harsh and unjust. Some of the old-article 
 68ers were admirable for young children. But if you would 
 view the article 68er aright you must view her by the pale 
 
214 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 object lesson's light — a painful spectacle — dim thought 
 struggling through dimmer expression. Of course, any 
 specimen I may quote is chiefly useful as a reductio ad 
 absurdum. 
 
 One of them in a lesson on word-building, grouped under 
 one category — restless, empress, harness, etc. 
 
 Another I asked — " Do you read ? " 
 
 " Oh, no, sir, I never study." 
 
 Having been brought up for domestic service where the 
 idea of skulking in corners with a novel was naturally con- 
 demned, she meant to say that she occupied her leisure with 
 useful housework. 
 
 Another, in reply to my question, said that her managers 
 were all three gentlemen, and that her head teacher was 
 a gentlemen — that is to say — not a lady. 
 
 Was this the meaning of the " gentleman " often set down 
 in Form IX. by certain school managers who were asked to 
 give their '' names and styles." 
 
 Here is a lesson by an article 68er, a creature who resembled 
 nature in being difficult to observe, but I managed to hide 
 somewhere near her. She is crimson-bloused and seems 
 anxious to show off to her ring of boys who are within easy 
 striking distance — an essential preliminary. She has one 
 large map, no pointer. It is a first lesson. " What are 
 these ? " she begins, her finger-point covering a county. 
 
 Teacher.—'' Cheviot Hills." 
 
 Class. — (Ecclesiastical chant) "ChevioTiLLS, Cheviottills " — 
 as the " suckers " roll in their mouths. 
 
 Teacher. — " These ? Cumbrian Mountains." 
 
 Class. — " Cumbering - mountains — Come - bring - moun - 
 tains. . . ." 
 
 Teacher. — " Pennine Chain." 
 
 Class. — " Pennine-Chain — Peniron chain. . . ." 
 
 Teacher. — " These are the longest." 
 
 Class. — " These-are-the-longest — Theseare the long guess." 
 
 Teacher. — " Cambrian Group." 
 
 Cla^s. — " Cambrian Group — Cam-bring-groop." 
 
 Teacher. — " Cam-not-Cum." 
 
 Class. — " Cam-not Cum — Cam not cum." 
 
 Teacher. — " And these are not mountains, nor hills, nor 
 chains, but — Devonian Range." 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 215 
 
 Class — " De-wonyan Eange — De-wonnianarrange — " 
 
 Teacher — " And now East Anglian heights — not mountains, 
 nor chains, nor range, but heights — heights not hills." 
 
 Class — " Hitesnotills — Hitesnot-ills." and so on. No 
 further information on any of the points. The master told 
 me how delighted he was that I now knew what he already 
 knew. Two nights before he had almost forced her to study 
 a book of notes, and when his wife also pressed the book 
 on her she demurred, but eventually consented, adding 
 cheerfully — " Thank you, kindly, three minutes is all I shall 
 want." And she was made of the right stuff — teeming with 
 many good points^ especially heart — and far better for infants 
 than clever people often are — but scarcely suitable for Standard 
 III. But this kind walk not with Plato in the eve — but 
 with someone else in whose case they do mean "to go on 
 with it." 
 
 Here is a note I received : — 
 
 " To Mr Swinburne. 
 
 " Sir, — The schoolmaster sent me to you this morning to 
 ask you a favour- to — article me 68." 
 
 Here are some " full notes." A few vague remarks on 
 method, matter, etc., etc. — and then, under "Causes": 
 " The four seasons are caused by the earth going round the 
 sun." Further elucidation — " The same time that the 
 earth is going round the sun, the sun likewise is making 
 a daily circuit round the earth — of course turning with 
 greater rapidity than the earth does ; but we must observe 
 that while the earth is turning to the one hand round the sun 
 the sun is going the reversed way round the earth." 
 
 Yet another lesson : on the Turnip and Carrot. 
 
 The comparison of the specimens marks a real advance 
 in object lessons. 
 
 Teacher — " What colour is the turnip ? " 
 
 *' White ? — No — green — (leaves of it are)." 
 
 " What sort of seeds ? " 
 
 " Oh, they're such little tiny ones — aren't they ? " 
 
 " Come here, Dorothy " (in a voice of thunder). 
 
 " Father pulls them up, doesn't he, and then, and then — 
 they grow till they get — they get" — " Beeg." Did they 
 
216 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 say " Beet " ? For the picture I now see is (an advertise- 
 ment of course) — a golden globe beet — and a long reddish 
 beet — these are the sole illustrations, to represent turnip 
 and carrot. " Now look at the picture — well — this isn't 
 a — we haven't got a (picture of course too small — even if 
 it were a turnip or carrot to be seen by any except the front 
 row — an advantage as it happens in this case !).... 
 
 " Well, now to proceed to the carrot — first of all, if ^ 
 I had a carrot and if I were to cut it. But we didn't spell 
 turnip last — " (mutual dental inspections in the class, toilet 
 exhibitions, etc., and one child under the benches — and if it 
 were not so, they would be unnatural children). 
 
 " Now, what kind of seed has the carrot . . . something 
 like carraway seeds, ain't they ? (altogether three times), 
 and then they grow — and they grow — and they keep on 
 growing — don't they ? " 
 
 "Yiss marmm." 
 
 " Till they grow into — till they grow into. . . ." " Tur- 
 
 mets " " No, no, — you won't be able to tell your mother 
 
 about this, Isaac." A very palpable hit — on the attention 
 — but it doesn't last, alas ! 
 
 " And they grow — all summer — and then mother ? — then 
 mother ?— " " Eats 'em. . . ." '' No— no." 
 
 She had written notes copied straight from a book and 
 worse still, they bore no resemblance to the actual lesson. 
 
 But some of the old-fashioned school mistresses were not 
 much better than the Article 68er. 
 
 Here is a specimen. Suffolk agreement in speech, with 
 disagreement in thought. 
 
 "Do we teach form ? Certainly, sir, certainly — most 
 assuredly — teach form — oh yes, sir." 
 
 " They are not formal lessons, I hope." 
 
 " No — sir — quite agree with you, sir, most essential to 
 have no dead form — homely illustration — every day life. 
 
 " John (they know sir, perfectly — so glad to show you 
 sir) what shape's this diamond window pane ? " 
 
 Hoarse murmur of some half dozen : " glass." 
 
 " No — no — dears, think." (To me) : " I always insist on 
 individual answers." 
 
 1 " Ifs " may be said to be the banes^of object lessons. 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 217 
 
 *' What shafe ? " 
 
 " White." 
 
 " Dear, dear — what can you be thinking of — come — what 
 
 SHAPE ? " 
 
 " Transparent." 
 
 (Grows frantic) "Well really — quite — do you hear me — 
 eh — what shape — is this — here — look," draws her finger 
 round and round the frame — 
 
 " Lead." 
 
 " Keally, dear me, — I can't think how you can be so 
 nervous, so very nervous. . . . Why, look how many sides 
 — four isn't it — square isn't it ? " 
 
 (Altogether) " Square " ! Triumph ! " I told you they 
 knew, sir." 
 
 H.M.I., after lesson on skylark, " Kather meagre your 
 account, wasn't it ? " 
 
 " Well, you see, sir, I don't tell the class everphing about 
 it ; so as to cultivate their observation better." 
 
 Here is a letter from a certificated infant teacher, years 
 ago, showing the same lack of observation relative to the 
 common sea-urchin : — 
 
 Village School, 
 
 Jan. 22nd, 1906. 
 
 (( 
 
 Dear Sir, — I know you will be interested to hear that 
 I have found ' The Fairies' Loaf,' and the saying about it 
 is ; that while you have it in your house, you will never want 
 bread. It is a beautifully marked stone, and I do not think 
 I saw one like it in your collection. I should very much 
 like you to see it, so perhaps you will call one day as you 
 go by. 
 
 " I think it looks like the crucifixion, but I am not sure. — I 
 am. Yours respectfully." 
 
 In those days a frequent question was — 
 
 " What shape is the camel's body ? " What adult can 
 answer ? 
 
 I think the teacher's solution was " Arch." 
 
 And what of a mistress who told infants when non- 
 plussed by the question " What is the shape of a shrimp ? " 
 " Cylindrical.^^ 
 
218 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 " Peter walked on the roof." 
 
 " My children — this does not refer to the walk on a steep 
 sloping roof. It's a figurative expression, as we say the walk 
 of faith, duty, etc." 
 
 On their way home, assistant teacher two to assistant 
 teacher one : " How did you take that passage ? " On hear- 
 ing she adds — " dear me — you made a dreadful mistake, 
 the proper explanation is ' with man it would be impossible : 
 with God all things are possible.' " 
 
 In a lesson on the tiger — the main point which was re- 
 iterated ad nauseam clothed itself in the question — " What 
 would it do with us ? " 
 
 " Boite us — kill us — eat us " (in simultaneous moans of 
 unutterable gloom, deepening at each reply). 
 
 When a teacher was questioning a class I observed that 
 they were answering from the map hung before them. I 
 asked to have the map turned round. Quite forgetting 
 himself, the teacher went on — " Ha ! Map turned — ha ! 
 Never mind children (Standard IV.-VII.) Its political 
 geography now — we've done the physical " ! 
 
 H.M.I, (kindly). — " Tell me, Mary, my girl — don't be timid 
 — what do you mean by an island ? Come." 
 
 Master of the old school. — " Excuse me, sir, may I — the 
 fact is they're rather nervous — a stranger frightens them, 
 may I put the question in my own way ? " 
 
 H.M.I.—'' Certainly." 
 
 M.O.S. (transformed to an infuriated coster-monger and 
 roaring like a bull) — " Now then, what's an island — now 
 answer — quick — d'ye hear — out with it now — before I flog 
 yer till yer cant. . . ." 
 
 Out it came : " An-island-is-a-piece-of-land-entirely-sur- 
 r ounded-by- warterrrr . ' ' 
 
 " How many 3s are there in nine ? " I ask. 
 
 No response. 
 
 M.O.S. roars — " Three times table." Obedient to the 
 summons as a spirit roused by a magician's wand — floats 
 out the chimed answer. " Three threes are — nine." 
 " Then how many 3s are there in nine ? " 
 Dead silence once more.^ 
 
 1 When the Rev. F. Harcourt Gooch was at Brandeston this same 
 zealous little schoolmaster, whom, from a striking resemblance, we 
 
EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 219 
 
 Here is an extract from an ancient village log book : — 
 
 June 3. Caned . After several moments dallying 
 
 with, held out, and after receiving the stroke, took up a 
 stool (placed before him to kick at if he liked instead of me) 
 with evil intentions." 
 
 Another — " Yesterday effected a very successful lateral 
 movement. . . . marching two pupil teachers up the coast 
 — to surprise four truants bathing — posted myself between 
 them and their clothes — cane in hand — and waited.''^ 
 
 In my young days one rural school mistress once mis- 
 interpreted my kindness, which was prompted by a desire 
 to dispel her nervousness, and when, after some other ques- 
 tions I asked her if she could give before me a lesson on the 
 " Reindeer." 
 
 She replied, simpering, " I have one on clouds and mist, 
 but I have not one on rain." 
 
 Would it be believed that years ago it was possible to meet 
 with a village schoolmaster who on his list of recitations 
 spelt it Brutius. Still more wonderful, he defended it, and 
 would not be convinced until he had brought me to book. 
 
 " Ah," he then said — " it was Cassius — I knew there was 
 an i somewhere." 
 
 I once heard a town assistant ask 6-year-old children — 
 " What was particularly noticeable about that star ? " 
 
 A village mistress, when I found mistakes not marked, 
 replied, " Didn't want to discourage him, sir." 
 
 When taxed with tearing out pages from an exercise book, 
 another replied " If a leaf is blotted I tear it out — I don't 
 believe in letting the children see bad work." Possibly she 
 did not wish the inspector to see bad work either. 
 
 " Your pupil teacher has confused ' Oratio Obliqua ' and 
 
 nicknamed "Socrates," in the course of a lesson, wrote on the black board 
 " Sauce of the Thames." Mr and Mrs Gooch, the master's wife and 
 myself were listening from a distance ; and we thought that faithful 
 woman was still amongst us, when a lean arm and blue duster shot out 
 from behind the black board, and lo ! a blank space where " Sauce " 
 was. A glance of despair from the master at the Inspector as if to say 
 " Am I a ruined man ? " found me intent on a wall picture wherein an 
 angel with large feet was sprinkling mustard over the globe— and by 
 the time I had turned round again, the gap was filled — and all went 
 merrily aa a marriage bell. 
 
220 EAST SUFFOLK TEACHERS 
 
 * Oratio recta,' " said a village manager who had kindly- 
 corrected some papers. 
 
 " Well, you see, sir," was the reply — " She doesn't know 
 much about Horatio — she did not take up Eoman history." 
 
 I once read a clergyman's letter recommending mistresses 
 in preference to masters as cheaper. It is a thorny question, 
 but it occurred to me when I read it that — there is a class 
 of cultivators who do succeed in Suffolk — for often 
 a growth of the specimen known as "an incorrigible " is 
 produced by a village schoolmistress, especially where the 
 support of the parson or policeman is not available. 
 
CHAPTER XVII 
 
 CHILDEEN 
 
 Few adults really understand children, and yet the child 
 has a world of its own. Even in a London Hotel through 
 your open window you may trace the sound of it, like a 
 stream flowing in another stream, and yet distinct. Their 
 voices, on their way to and from school, mark off the hours 
 with the regularity of the striking of a clock, or the wild- 
 flowers in a hedge. One of the most salient characteristics 
 of childhood is a certain delicacy and even tenderness of 
 sympathy. 
 
 Into " the mouths of babes and sucklings " nowadays are 
 frequently put answers that bear the impress of more matured 
 minds ; and a lengthened and intimate acquaintance with 
 child life is needed to distinguish the spurious from the genuine 
 article. Artless simplicity and an entire absence of anything 
 like bitterness, cynicism, or profanity, mark the answers that 
 ring true. 
 
 One of many instances is furnished by the following 
 story : — 
 
 A young curate in Lancashire, who, though too well-bred 
 to boast, was conscious of the world of difference his earnest- 
 ness had effected in a parish which was suffering from the 
 slackness of a rector of the old school, was once questioning 
 a class : — 
 
 " Tell me one of the people who wrote the Bible ? " 
 
 Unhesitating reply — " Master Heyes." Now Heyes was 
 the name of the rector. 
 
 Even that curate's iron self-control could not prevent 
 a shadow of disappointment from passing over his face. 
 After his years of work, so fruitful in results, so obvious — 
 that they should still think this of his rector ! But though 
 the little girl just under him was not more than five, her eye, 
 
 221 
 
222 CHILDREN 
 
 keen as a robin's, had read his thoughts, and her tiny voice 
 whispered : — 
 
 " Please, sir, you 'elped 'im." 
 
 The kind pity they have for an Inspector, a pity quite 
 free from the interested motives that must inevitably, to a 
 large extent, influence even the best managers and teachers. 
 They view him as they would some weird animal, that 
 needs strange food, and loves to be petted and stroked. 
 
 In the geography of England, I ask what separates it 
 from Scotland ? 
 
 " The Pyrenees." 
 
 *' Oh ! Don't you know any geography at all ? " 
 
 " Oh, yes sir," (comfortingly) and off she rattles with a list 
 of names, ending up with " Cheviot Hills on the south." 
 
 " Oh ! " 
 
 " Please sir, it says so in my book." 
 
 " Bring it." 
 
 She brought it — the manual she referred to was " Scotland " 
 not " England." 
 
 On another occasion a school mistress in tones of angry 
 remonstrance, asked her class : — 
 
 " What ! none of you knows this colour ? " 
 
 A six year old in the front row, after peering anxiously 
 round behind her, burst into tears, sobbing — 
 
 " Nooo — they none of 'em know," as much as to say — 
 " You'd better cane us at once and have done with it." 
 
 Budding inspectors, however kind, soon learn how an 
 expression of keenness on their faces, when eager in their 
 work, will produce weeping which spreads like a prairie fire, 
 and is only with difficulty stopped by vigorous hugging on 
 the part of female teachers or managers. 
 
 I once called out a little girl, cet. 10, whose long hair kept 
 wiping her slate, wet with her tears, over a subtraction sum. 
 
 " Let me help you, dear — do it with me." 
 
 " Six from eight leaves two — four from nine — five " — she 
 sobbed. 
 
 " That's right ; well done — go on." 
 
 " Nine from four — in a burst of despair — won't goooo ! " 
 
 The eyes of the class, moistened with sympathy, were a 
 study for an artist. 
 
 In my sister's Sunday school class at Brighton, sat, pain- 
 
CHILDREN 223 
 
 fully stiff and curled as to her hair, copious with, grease, 
 a butcher's little girl of six — her apparel, the envy of her 
 neighbours who stroked it from time to time. Upon the 
 third rebuke for inattention, she strode towards the door ; 
 to be intercepted by my sister, who laid her hand on the 
 handle. A scene followed, the little girl's seven-year-old 
 brother croaking hoarsely — 
 
 " Boit it Olive, boit it. . . ." 
 
 What was my sister's surprise when the following Sunday 
 the same boy, of whom she stood in mortal terror, sat next 
 to her apparently intent on sucking the buttons off her 
 mantle. 
 
 To her relief she heard a whisper — 
 
 " Don't mind last Sunday — That was one of my bad 
 
 And who can fail to love the little girl who, when the 
 teacher asked, " Was it not wrong of Dives to give the 
 crumbs to Lazarus " ; and when they all of course moaned, 
 
 " Yees " — demurred — " Perhaps, ma'm, Lazarus kept 
 chickens." 
 
 I always found that, in anything worth doing, children 
 were my best friends. They never found fault with 
 examinations. 
 
 Here is an extract from a theme on the inspector : — " I 
 thought he was a kind gentleman, better than the last one, 
 and I have done all in my power to please him. He has 
 born with the children very well and I shall try to read well 
 for him. 
 
 " He seems to be a man of good ability, when I go home I 
 shall tell my parents I liked him very well." 
 
 To us it is what we think, but to the child, it is what he 
 or she thinks, and this gives them an amusingly patronising 
 air. 
 
 Need I add the unspoken testimony of the robins at 
 Tuddenham who built their nest four yards from the door of 
 the school, and in a bank accessible to every boy of eight — 
 and laid six eggs, hatching five (I saw them nearly ready for 
 flight) when a little girl, in reply to the mistress's question — 
 
 " Who broke that one ? " 
 
 Eeplied, " You did, maim, if you remember, it was 
 addled." 
 
224 CHILDREN 
 
 And then their strange way of looking at things. 
 
 Teacher reads : " The bears came and devoured forty- 
 two of the children who were mocking the prophets." 
 
 " What lesson do you draw from this ? " 
 
 " It shows, teacher, what a number of little children a 
 great she-bear can hold." 
 
 And their sighs of importance, and side glances at me, 
 when, as a reward for good conduct they are posted in front 
 of their classes ! 
 
 To help a mistress in despair over an incorrigible of six, 
 I suggested the elephant plan, i.e. a wild one between two 
 tame ones. We had scarcely turned our backs, when a 
 sound, like a pistol shot, was heard — the incorrigible had 
 attempted to converse with one of the girls who acted as 
 tame elephants, and a box on the ears was all he received 
 from her. Children properly handled, become their own 
 teachers. 
 
 It is the time of afternoon assembly in a town school — 
 and two rough mechanics at the school door have sealed with 
 parting kisses the lips of their precious mites. As I enter 
 there is the usual greylight of happy ordinary routine in all 
 the little faces.^ 
 
 Suddenly, rapture ! the sound of a hurdy gurdy outside — 
 quite near — breaks the stillness. You, who would learn 
 unspoken language, study the marvellous change on their 
 faces — Only a few give way to parted lips and Catherine 
 wheel revolutions of arms — but oh ! the ineffable delight. 
 
 2.10. Enter the incorrigible truant — with a dogged air. 
 
 " Open your hands, sir ! Yes, all covered with dirt. 
 Stand so, with both hands held up before the class — that 
 they may see your palms and learn by your sad example." 
 
 2.20 The door slowly opens and a less hardened sinner 
 enters. Scene : on the stage constituted by the teaching 
 space — The truant, Johnny the good and the mistress. 
 
 " Johnny, YOU late." Johnny's head droops in silence. 
 There is an awful pause. It is too much for the incorrigible, 
 he cannot resist the importance of the occasion — " Misss — 
 Misss — Misss." 
 
 " Well, sir " (severely). *' What do you wish to say ? " 
 
 * My typewriter wrote " torture " for " routine." Was it my bad 
 writing, or any unpleasant school reminiscences of her own ? 
 
CHILDREN 225 
 
 "' I know — I know what made 'im late. He stopped to 
 'ear the 'urdy gurdy." 
 
 All the while the incorrigible spoke, he kept his guilty 
 hands out far in front of him — as though he had nothing to 
 do with them ! They were the sinners, but he himself was 
 still a saint. 
 
 Which of us has not stopped to hear our hurdy gurdies ; 
 and which of us can resist casting the first stone — especially 
 when it makes us so important ? 
 
 " The devil and all his works " elicited characteristic 
 explanation of the last word. The watchmaker's daughter 
 said " His inside " and the girl from the village shop said 
 " Fireworks," but there was yet more shrewdness in the 
 answer of the boy who, when the next boy had replied to the 
 question — 
 
 " What bird did Noah let out of the ark ? " 
 " A dove," 
 sprang up and explained, 
 
 " Please sir, his father's a bird catcher." 
 But what lessons children teach us men. 
 A parvenu squire after a heavy lesson on grammar, so to 
 speak leaps into the saddle, to show them how. 
 
 " You don't want to 'arrass your mind with words — you 
 want things — now a noun — look at me — What am I ? " 
 " You, sir, why you're a gentleman ! " 
 " Well, yes — err — yes quite so," and a sunny smile dis- 
 pelled the clouds of criticism on his brow. 
 
 Lunching at Lady I observed a nonagenarian relative, 
 
 seated next to my hostess, and apparently taking no interest 
 in the conversation of a large and distinguished company. 
 Upon his suddenly, to my amazement, demanding a school 
 story from me, and upon my, of course, having to meet a 
 general silence with complete failure of memory, he told one 
 himself — to show how an examiner's vanity may be chastened 
 by children. 
 
 The diocesan inspector, after a dissertation on the folly of 
 not availing ourselves of the natural taste of the young, e.g. 
 love of animals — proceeded to " show ofi " on a class. 
 
 " Specify the names of some of the animals that went into 
 the ark." Perhaps it was the word " specify," or it may 
 have been that he should have said one animal — anyhow, 
 
226 CHILDREN 
 
 though he went almost to the lengths of the prophets of Baal 
 no answer came. 
 
 At last, one hand — " Please, sir, a worrrmP 
 
 " Well, yes — but surely you can." — ^Another lengthy silence 
 and, at last, the same hand. 
 
 " Well, my dear chHd." 
 
 " Please, sir — another worrrm." 
 
 The diocesan inspector resumed his seat, a sadder and 
 a wiser man. 
 
 How frantically their little feet are thrust out for a pur- 
 chase on the floor, when one of them is praised — and when one 
 of them has answered (for example) " A — weathercock — is — 
 the — figure — of — a-cock — sur — mounted — on — four — arms — 
 at the end of which — are the — following — letters — N. E. W. S." 
 The relapse into her seat, with the waggle to arrange her 
 dress, and an expression of ineffable peace and bliss — is a 
 sight not to be missed. 
 
 " Teacher, I'm sittin' roight still," broke the silence of awe 
 at my first appearance in one infant school. 
 
 That little bundle of restlessness knew how hard it was for 
 children to sit still — which adults too often forget — and the 
 temptation to secure recognition was irresistible. How 
 often adults try to force young children to obey two masters 
 — the Great Creator's muscle law of movement, and the 
 teacher's " feet together," " sit quite still." 
 
 The school mistress, who had just quoted to me " Love 
 rules without the sword " and a good deal more about love, 
 will not forget the answer to her question — 
 
 " Now what did I say I'd do, dears, if you didn't please the 
 nice, kind Inspector ? " 
 
 " Please, ma'm, you said you'd caane us ! " 
 
 Nor will that other dreary one, who asked " Why was the 
 Eunuch glad when Philip went away ? " 
 
 " Becos he had give over teachin' on him." 
 
 I have heard children lead a catechising clergyman on, 
 as anglers play fishes, till thanks to their smiles and well 
 feigned breathless attention, he does all the talking. Similarly 
 a Lancashire boy corrects his teacher, who asked the meaning 
 of " kiss." No answer — definitions rarely are forthcoming — 
 
 " Kissing ? kissing your mother ? " 
 
 No answer. 
 
CHILDREN 227 
 
 " Suppose I were to ask you to go and kiss that pretty 
 little girl — wliat would you do." 
 
 " Shouldn't go." 
 
 " What is proportion ? " asked another teacher. 
 
 Answer — " What the fifth standard have to do." 
 
 And sometimes this develops to a fault. A Pakefield 
 girl, CBt. 12, whom I informed that she ought not to have 
 left school replied with a toss of her curls — " that's what 
 mother says — but I think differently." 
 
 I once, at Sternfield, on a pouring wet day, saw a mother 
 pushing her child in a perambulator uphill — herself drenched 
 — her child monopolising the umbrella, from under which a 
 voice reached me in a high dog-cart. 
 
 " Mother, I don't like it." 
 
 Are we spoiling the children generally ? Possibly to some 
 extent, but against the girl with a sweet in one hand and a 
 penny novelette in the other we must put the daughter of a 
 cottage woman that I know. While she was out nursing, her 
 husband and two grown up sons were left in charge of the 
 said Mary {cet. 13 and not robust). Here is a rough time- 
 table of Mary's day. 
 
 Up at 6 A.M. Father's breakfast — makes bed — clears 
 breakfast — sets dinner — school — gets her father's dinner 
 and her own, clears and goes to school again — comes home, 
 makes up the fire, prepares tea — either washes socks of all 
 three and hangs them up to darn another day, or writes 
 letters to her sister, or reads, to her father, or when he comes 
 to see how mother is, is allowed, as a treat, to trot beside him. 
 Bed about 8 p.m. and this for three weeks — with short weekly 
 visits of the mother to her home. 
 
 School education to do any good must be supplemented 
 by a good home. The neighbours describe Mary's home as 
 " neat as a new pin," and are surprised to hear her tramping 
 about so early in the morning. Home lessons like these 
 are not far ofi the mark — but I am told that Mary also brings 
 wonders home from school and words to explain to the wide- 
 eyed parents — words not dreamed of in her mother's phil- 
 osophy or school life. " Something about an egg, I forget 
 what it was — but I never heered such a name afore " (says 
 her mother). Possibly there may be too much unnecessary 
 and expensive correspondence nowadays among the poor ; 
 
228 CHILDREN 
 
 but I believe the good in the case I cite comes from the mother's 
 education of thirty years ago, and we shall have to hark 
 back a little — to old times, if education is to be the blessing 
 it should be. 
 
 Mary was one of the best attendants at the cookery class, 
 where she was in common with the rest of the class told by 
 a lady manager that " God made food but the devil made 
 cooks" — a remark true and hackneyed enough, but not suit- 
 able for children. 
 
 Things told at school do not end there and Mary duly 
 inquired of her mother and father — " That's what she sayy 
 — that ain't right mother ? She didn't ort to sayy that ? " 
 
 " No, my dear, she didn't." 
 • Presently, after deliberation — 
 
 " Mother, the devil didn't really make cooks — did 
 he?" 
 
 Jokes of course are among the best approaches to the 
 hearts of children ; but they must be jokes suitable to their 
 age and environment. 
 
 What says General Gatacre ? " The Suffolk recruits are 
 better physically and morally than at the time of Waterloo " ; 
 and Lord Kitchener expressly states that it is through the 
 rank and file of the army, that the nation now has the jay 
 of seeing a peaceful conclusion of the South African War. 
 
 People who ridicule the results of elementary school teach- 
 ing, should remember how large a portion of the faults of 
 the domestic servant is due to a faulty example. The lower 
 classes (if the word " lower " may be used to designate the 
 class whose children attend the public elementary school, 
 a class which does not hesitate to apply, and apply with a 
 vengeance, the adjective to the class beneath it) always did, 
 and always will mirror the faults of their masters and 
 mistresses and furthermore 300 years ago the same complaint 
 filled the air : 
 
 Orlando says to his servant (Adam) : — 
 
 " good old man ; how well in thee appears 
 The constant service of the antique world, 
 When service sweat for duty, not for meed ! 
 Thou art not for the fashion of these times, 
 Where none will sweat, but for promotion ; 
 And having that, do choke their service up 
 Even with the having. It is not so with thee." 
 
CHILDREN 229 
 
 On the other hand, is England becoming a " drawing-room " 
 of the Empire ? 
 A lady wrote to me : — 
 
 "I asked our Bacchus^ boy yesterday the name of the 
 capital of Ireland. He did not know. I then put the same 
 question concerning Scotland. He did not know. Why, 
 Harry, I said, ' What did you learn at school ? ' ' Gardening, 
 Miss.' Wasn't it clever of him ? He thought I knew nothing 
 about gardening and could bother him no more with questions. 
 He was a Suffolk boy." 
 
 " What is the matter with you ? " asked a schoolmistress 
 of a malingering boy — in Lancashire. 
 
 " I'm baad " 
 
 " What is the matter ? " 
 
 " Nout." 
 
 " Who told you to say you were bad ? " 
 
 " Motherrr ! " 
 
 " Pas trop gouverner " is a golden maxim. Fear begets 
 falsehood. Love begets trust. 
 
 Children have generalized to one degree but not to two, 
 e.g. take children's views on the following points : — 
 
 1. Throwing Stones. It is nice to throw straight. Not yet 
 corrected by — cruelty to birds. 
 
 2. Stealing apples. Apples are nice. Not yet corrected 
 by " Stealing is wrong." 
 
 3. Breaking dolls. Curiosity is the root of science. " I 
 wonder what's inside." Not yet corrected by " Don't 
 destroy." We adults must make allowance and gradually 
 lead to the higher generalization. A wilful child is too often 
 a misnomer. The will is not yet matured. 
 
 Children are often punished for obedience to a Higher 
 Master. Liberty is as dear to children as to adults. " We 
 have no punishment for days after the use of coloured chalks," 
 said one mistress and the grateful smile on the childrens' 
 faces when a touch of fun lightens work is another lesson 
 for us, e.g. " The pig in its pen. Is it a pen like this one 
 in my hand ? " 
 
 * Back-house boy. 
 
280 CHILDREN 
 
 " Oh nooo — tea — char " — the emphasis on the " char " 
 speaking volumes — however silly the question seems to 
 grown up people. 
 
 Observing a girl supposed to be minding a baby at home, 
 but as a matter of fact, discharging that office on the steps 
 outside the school. (So magical is the influence that now- 
 adays draws children to school as in olden times it drew 
 them from school.) I coaxed her in, not without tears — but 
 never did Standard III. girls behave themselves better. It 
 was as if I had introduced a sort of fetish of good conduct 
 and when the two year old began to clutch at the knitting 
 cotton, the radiance of their faces was a study. They did 
 more work that afternoon than they ever did — for was 
 there not a chance of nursing that baby ? It taught the 
 mistress and me a lesson, and managers of schools like that 
 where the chief ornament was a conspicuous " Rational Sick 
 and Burial Association " posted up on a black-board — or 
 a faded plan of Jerusalem — or a map of the Holy Land, 
 with all below Jerusalem gone, in tatters, might learn some- 
 thing too, as also might the teacher who for months had 
 a broken window blocked with a very dilapidated Aaron, 
 stopping the plague — upside down of course. 
 
 But though love rules without the sword ; the sword must 
 be there. 
 
 Says the teacher. " Now make a square with the sticks 
 and peas." A four year old, just admitted, declines, and the 
 teacher is on the point of yielding when I intervene — be- 
 ginnings being of such vital moment. 
 
 " Touch them," I said. No response — 
 
 " Stand," she does — twelve times. " Come out," she 
 
 does not budge an inch. " Shall I fetch Mr with a 
 
 cane." She leaps out. We now come to the square; and 
 the stern joy, that warriors feel, is in my breast, and hers too, 
 as she bounds out with a square in her hand. Is there such 
 a word as " namby-pamby ? " Nevertheless one still recoils 
 from the following reply. " If I had my time again," said 
 a school mistress to me, " I'd never be a teacher." 
 
 " Why ? " 
 
 " Because you musn't give corporal punishment nowadays." 
 
 I wonder whether any other H.M.I, has waited from 9 a.m. 
 to 9 P.M. on a railway platform, holding hands with five 
 
CHILDREN 231 
 
 children ranging from about 8 to 12, as I did at Ipswich 
 some years ago. 
 
 The father had torn up the white dresses in which his 
 children, the smartest of the squad, were to compete for the 
 drill shield at the Prize Scheme. His wife had left him 
 through his unkind treatment of her ; but he came to me 
 in an agony of grief. 
 
 " If you could only get her back, sir, I would go down on 
 my knees to her," etc., etc. " She will pass through Ipswich 
 on such and such a day," etc. She did not pass through, as 
 expected ; but she heard about it, and it was the means of 
 bringing her back. The children came, and won the shield ; 
 but alas ! his subsequent conduct was marked by abomin- 
 able ingratitude to her and me. 
 
 George Spence, aged 3J, in a small country school, after 
 his slate was filled, amused himself on the reverse side, and 
 when I was passing he mutely held up his slate for me to see, 
 as much as to say, " I've written all these pot-hooks, and I 
 have drawn something on the back ; but no one looks at 
 either." The drawing so astonished me that I made a copy 
 of it to show (1) what a child can do in imitating and com- 
 mitting to slate from memory (2) how serious the loss of time 
 when such faculties are not cultivated. No academy picture 
 surpasses this sketch in interest. Minute details of harness, 
 hoofs, wheels, driver, shafts, and even the step, are there ; 
 and, bear in mind, it was his own. No mortal man or woman 
 could have set that copy. It is above all petty laws of 
 perspective, etc. the four wheels, four feet and step are in 
 one horizontal line — the driver resembling one of the dancing 
 oysters in "Alice's Adventures." 
 
 May I here, in view of the happiness of the children of the 
 poor generally in East Suffolk, congratulate the county on 
 its schools — the efficiency and sufficiency of their staff 
 and the wonderful advance in structure, equipment and 
 apparatus, especially since the Scheme began, remembering 
 we are but rural — above all things remembering what we 
 were ? 
 
 I drove from Halesworth, a few years ago, to eight rural 
 schools. Each one was good, though each one used to be 
 bad. It was like driving past peaceful, deep-hearted, sweet 
 smelling roses, where once grew noxious weeds. Little 
 
232 CHILDREN 
 
 diSerence, someone says^ it makes to the great world, whetlier 
 Suffolk lanes contain such roses or such weeds ; but it 
 makes all the difference in the world to those who have to 
 dwell in or visit the lanes^ and eventually all the difference 
 to the great world. 
 
 Years, the best test of truth, have only served to confirm 
 the impressions I strove to convey in a Souvenir which, in 
 addition to a gift of a copy to each head teacher, realised 
 £25 (handed to the East Suffolk prize scheme in 1901) — and 
 the exceedingly kind words of my successor, encourage me 
 to hope that the lines are still appreciated — 
 
 A School Inspector's Prayer in the Train 
 
 Would child-life — pure and sunny — were to me 
 What sport, and air, and Nature are to thee, 
 Thou keenest sportsman on the wildest moor — 
 Or e'en dry flints, and antiquarian lore ! 
 
 " So mad it seems " — (say men by no means fools) — 
 " This taste for grubbing in close, uppish schools " — 
 Oh, save, oh, save me, from their poison's leaven, 
 Thou who has told the world " Of such is Heaven ! " 
 
 How A Well-taught School Teaches its Inspector 
 {Written at Lax field) 
 
 Kneel when they kneel, and let the wave on wave 
 Of simple childhood's goodness o'er thee lave — 
 Eyes fresh as wet stones on a sunlit strand, 
 And soft as ocean's gentlest kiss to land — 
 And thou shalt rise once more, erect and strong — 
 Wash'd from thy soul all that is vain — or wrong ! 
 
 listen to the hymn that ends the day ; 
 
 Or when, like sweet waves curling, bow'd they pray — 
 
CHILDREN 288 
 
 No melody of sea, or wood, or bird, 
 No charm of saintliest preacher ever heard ; 
 No mother's love, nor woman's tenderest tear. 
 No pity — e'er to earth drew Heaven more near. 
 
 Adieu ! my dear Suffolk children. I never told you — 
 how could I ? — of all the good you and your teachers have 
 done others — as well as yourselves. How often have your 
 lessons, like Orlando's wrestling, overthrown more than 
 their adversary ! 
 
 Scene. — A class of six year olds in a model country school. 
 
 Present. — An adult visitor who I happen to know is in 
 the full swing of repentance for having yielded to temptation, 
 and myself. 
 
 Children's voices lend an additional charm to the singing 
 of :— 
 
 " Perverse and foolish, oft I strayed." 
 
 Then the teacher : — " You've had the cross, dears, haven't 
 you ? — the Eector put it on — little soldiers, you have to 
 fight — suppose you saw a very pretty . . . flower — oh, 
 so nice ! in someone else's garden, not your own, and oh you 
 do so long for it ! You'd have to fight, oh so hard ! Or if 
 you saw a bit of sugar" (a rapturous " Yiss marm ") "such 
 a nice bit, and mother not near — Jesus sees His little soldier 
 — peeping down from up in Heaven — oh, wouldn't you like 
 . . . and then suppose you did ... no one is perfect — 
 even big people. Sometimes even" — casting a glance at 
 us — of course, merely to enjoy the appreciation her heart 
 in her work has accustomed her to expect. She has all 
 the " thou shalt not's " at her finger-ends, " What's the 
 first ? now the second — now the sixth " — yes the visitor's 
 expression seems to say " Oh please stop." (It is all so 
 vivid.) 
 
 " What, not tell mother, well you are a naughty boy " 
 (glancing at visitor) : but only, of course, as before. " He was 
 in the room alone — no one was looking — here comes mother. 
 Shall I tell her ? Did you say ' no ' Charlie, you naughty 
 boy " — ^the visitor is very restless in his seat. 
 
 " I shall be obliged to punish you " — the visitor flies. The 
 teacher goes on, " If you said ' Please, mother, I have taken 
 
234 CHILDREN 
 
 a bun, I was so hungry,' would she forgive ? Mother saw the 
 crumbs, did not mother love you when she whipped." Pro- 
 longed melancholy wail — ' She hated us.' . . ." 
 
 Alas ! skilled though the teacher was, she overshot her 
 mark, through not allowing for the matter-of-fact views 
 taken by children. The point of her lesson, however, was not 
 lost, for like Sir Walter Tyrrell's arrow it had glanced off 
 to pierce a breast for which it was not intended. 
 
APPENDIX I 
 (Examination) 
 
 " Blue-book," 1896 :— 
 
 " There is no question as to the difference in the happiness 
 of the child. Sympathy, gently lifting over difficulties and 
 stimulating to self-help, which is of the essence of true teach- 
 ing, has its full weight now, and not the mere result, how- 
 ever achieved, at whatever cost to future health, to sound 
 thoughtfulness, and to a real abiding taste for intellectual, 
 pursuits. It had come to be a case of the pains rather than 
 the pleasures of knowledge, and teachers in some instances 
 may almost be said to have waded through children's tears 
 to reputation. I am now never told about the boy who 
 broke his arm the day before the examination, and ' it would 
 not have mattered so much if it had been the day after.' 
 Wonderful flowers such a forcing system may produce, but 
 a little deterioration is a cheap price to be released from it 
 — not to mention the teacher's relief, and a worried teacher 
 means a worried child." 
 
 And again in 1898 : — 
 
 " The prominence now accorded to methods, etc., is (after 
 a certain amount of natural opposition fast melting away) 
 fully appreciated by managers and teachers, who, recognising 
 that the so-called ' results ' system has done its work, are 
 loyally advancing to the higher state of things now attain- 
 able ; and, though admittedly cramped by long custom, 
 are loud in its praises. The new system, which carries one 
 step further the principle of self-help (which is the soul of 
 true teaching), by practically making the teacher his own 
 examiner, has been inaccurately described as the abolition 
 of examinations and results, whereas it should strengthen 
 both by removing the weakening friction between inspector 
 and teacher. 
 
 235 
 
286 APPENDIX I 
 
 " Taught by long years of experience the best forms of 
 examination, the teacher can now apply them himself, and, 
 laying his fingers on the weak points, however sceptical 
 before, he believes — and he and his inspector are no longer 
 in hostile camps. Nor have I so far found this privilege 
 abused ; whereas questions were often furtively transmitted 
 from school to school under the old system. 
 
 " It is no reflection upon the laudable and earnest efforts 
 that characterise the teachers of East Sufiolk to add that so 
 far this district has shown to better advantage under the 
 old system. The very poverty which accounts for the lack 
 of efficient help (the weak point in my district) tells here ; 
 though this same poverty could, under the old system, 
 stimulate to burning devotion, which led to marvellous child 
 achievements of mechanical accuracy. 
 
 " But when it came to tearing the curtain aside and sub- 
 jecting the methods to the searching scrutiny of the new and 
 better system, Suffolk schools told a different tale. For 
 instance, I have known a class teacher who could proudly 
 guarantee you ' four right out of four,' turn pale at the 
 request to expound the principle of a sum, illustrate a fact, 
 etc., and yet the perplexity of a child when expected to 
 assimilate dry principles, before they have been clothed in the 
 fresh life of example, illustration, etc., resembles that of a 
 horse expected to assimilate direct the principles of his food in 
 dry earth, before they have clothed themselves in vegetation. 
 
 " For myself — even if the work be more exacting — the 
 pleasure of watching the play of child thought and feeling, 
 etc., without having the surface ruffled by (for example) 
 a manager's voice inveighing against rural imbecility, or 
 Form IX., is indeed a boon, and I always find the managers 
 glad to see me if I have anything worth troubling them about. 
 As for the children, parents no longer complain of arithmetic 
 cards worked in their sleep ; and I am now less likely to elicit 
 from a class whose faces are horror-stricken with a ' creepy ' 
 tale, firstly, that they do believe in ghosts ; secondly, that a 
 ghost is a spectre ; and finally, that a spectre is — 'one that 
 comes round to examine ' ! " 
 
 Nor can these extracts be brushed aside as ancient history ; 
 for the County Councils of to-day are in danger of a relapse 
 to the cruel rites of the 3R percentage fetish, as they already 
 
APPENDIX II 237 
 
 worship a horrible percentage fetish in the matter of 
 attendance. 
 
 Note. — H.M. Inspectors, in my time, were appointed by 
 the Sovereign in Council — and it is still a berth that many 
 seek but few secure. 
 
 APPENDIX II 
 
 (Letters) 
 
 {Notes were taken at the time by all. There were twenty-nine 
 letters — all different.) 
 
 ''Leiston Girls' School, 
 " Suffolk, July 2nd, 1901. 
 
 ** Dear Ada, — I am going to tell you how I was invited to 
 Mr Swinburne's. It was very kind of Canon Eaven to hire 
 the trap for us. In the morning our governess showed us 
 how to draw a plan. I think Mr Swinburne was very kind 
 to have us go. We rode there and walked back. We started 
 from the school at 2 o'clock and arrived at Snape Priory 
 between 5 and 20 and 20 to 3. 
 
 *' When we got there a lady invited us to go on the golf 
 ground and rest till Mr Swinburne came. When Mr Swin- 
 burne came, he told us to go along his fence and see if we 
 could see any butcher birds, but we could not see any. 
 
 " Then we went and sat under some pine trees, while Mr 
 Swinburne talked, then he told two girls to go and ask for 
 his spying glass, and we saw Iken Church Tower and the 
 windows in it. Then Mr Swinburne told about the mounds 
 and what he dug out of them. 
 
 " Then we went on the ground where they played golf and 
 the place where flags were, he called the places the birds' names. 
 
 *' One corner was called the lark, the butcher bird, the 
 starling, and different others. Then we went and saw the 
 ^vryneck's nest in Mr Swinburne's gate-post. Then we went 
 and sat down on the grass and we had a very nice tea. Then 
 after tea we went into Mr Swinburne's study and saw a box 
 of nice coloured shells. Then he shew us different sorts of 
 stones, shaped of all animal's (sic) heads. Then we went 
 into another room and he showed us his curiosities and some 
 photographs of all the schools. Then Miss Lamb thought 
 it was time to come home so Mr Swinburne thought he would 
 
238 APPENDIX II 
 
 like to hear us sing. When we had done singing Mr Swin- 
 burne said he should like us to go in for the competition 
 next year. If we do and we don't get a prize Mr Swinburne 
 was willing to let us come over again. Then Mr Swinburne told 
 us he was very pleased to have us come. But me, I enjoyed 
 it very much and I should like very much again to come, I 
 remain, your affectionate friend, Alice Smith." 
 
 '' Girls' School, Leiston, 
 " Suffolk, Sep. \2th, 1901. 
 
 " Dear Eva, — I will tell you about the outing we had one 
 afternoon. 
 
 " We were asked by Mr Swinburne to go to his house, 
 and see some curious old things, which he treasures. I 
 think he must be an antiquarian. 
 
 " We were driven there in a brake, and when we arrived, 
 we were taken on the golf-links by a lady, which was very nice. 
 
 " When Mr Swinburne came, he very kindly took us to sit 
 under a group of pine trees, twenty-nine in all. They had once 
 been a part of the old avenue which had extended for miles. 
 
 " He was most kind to us and told us about the original 
 owners of the Wentworth estate. 
 
 " We were also shown Iken Church, through a pair of 
 opera glasses. 
 
 " When we had rested, Mr Swinburne took us on the 
 golf-links again, and told us about the different birds which 
 build their nests there. There was one bird which was 
 most interesting called the butcher bird. It stores food 
 up for itself by catching flies and sticking them on thorns 
 on the hedge. 
 
 " We were also told the difference between swallows and 
 swifts. Swallows have forked tails, and fly along the ground, 
 while swifts have flat tails and fly up in the air, swallows 
 too build in houses while the swift builds in a sand bank. 
 
 " He has a little cage too, in which a red start built. It 
 hatched its eggs and brought up its young. But one day on, 
 on going to the cage he was surprised to see lying on the 
 floor three young ones quite dead, and a dead sparrow too. 
 It was never found out how it happened, but it is supposed 
 that the sparrow came to fight the old birds, and in the 
 fight the young ones were killed too. 
 
APPENDIX II 239 
 
 " On his golf ground lie has nine links, which are called 
 after certain birds, which are found there. They run as 
 follows : — Mistle-thrush, nightingale, swift, swallow, lark, 
 wryneck, redstart, curlew, and the butcher bird. 
 
 " We were then taken into Mr Swinburne's den, where we 
 saw two cases of most pretty shells. 
 
 " We then had tea on the lawn, which was most delightful. 
 
 " After tea, we were taken into the dining-room to see his 
 curiosities, which are very wonderful. He has two splendid 
 urns, in which Saxon bones were found. Also a boat was 
 found, in which was a Danish Viking, clad in armour. A 
 servant was also found with him. He has also numerous 
 nails, and sword handles. The teeth and hair of a man was 
 also found. 
 
 " These wonderful things were found under two mounds 
 close fco Mr Swinburne's house. 
 
 " We were also shown some photographs and sang two or 
 three songs. We then came home by the field, after having 
 a most lovely time, thanks to Mr Swinburne, who was so very 
 kind, and I am sure we all feel most grateful for his kindness 
 and thoughtfulness to us. — I remain, your loving friend, 
 
 " Grace." 
 
 " Leiston Girls' School, 
 " Suffolk, Seyt. 12th, 1901. 
 
 " Dear Mary, — I will tell you about our visit to Mr 
 Swinburne's. 
 
 " We were driven there in the brake, we went up the 
 Saxmundham road, went past Knodishall Church and then 
 through Friston and saw the schools at a distance. We 
 came out where they are now building Snape vicarage and 
 then we drove a little way down the sandy lane and drove 
 into the gate as that is where Mr Swinburne's house is situated. 
 We got out of the brake and went and sat on the bank along 
 the drive. Then a lady came out and took us up on the 
 golf-links as Mr Swinburne was not quite ready. But we 
 didn't have to wait long as Mr Swinburne soon came out and 
 beckoned to us, so he told us about some very peculiar birds, 
 called butcher birds. 
 
 " These birds store up their food by getting all sorts of 
 flies and sticking them on to a prickle in the hedge. 
 
240 APPENDIX II 
 
 " Then we went up to a clump of tall fir-trees, and Mr 
 Swinburne kindly explained and showed us where the great 
 avenue which stretched from Mr Wentworth's estate to 
 Campse Ashe and we were also told about the old Packsaddle 
 Road, where the monks of olden times used to ride. Mr 
 Swinburne also allowed us to look through his opera glasses 
 at Iken Church. 
 
 " Then we went and looked at the swifts' nests which were 
 built in the sand, and then Mr Swinburne showed us the 
 nest of a wryneck, which was built in a gate-post, he also 
 told us of a bird which lived in a cage he had put on a tree, 
 this bird had three young birds, and Mr Swinburne was very 
 much surprised when he came one morning and found the 
 bird and its young and an old sparrow lying dead on the 
 ground. It is supposed that they quarrelled about who 
 should live in the cage and that the old sparrow killed the 
 other bird and its young and then ended it by committing 
 suicide. Mr Swinburne called this ' Snape Tragedy.' We 
 then went and looked at some peculiar shaped stones in the 
 study and then we had tea on the grass. After tea we went 
 in the dining-room and were shown some very ancient 
 curiosities, which were dug out of mounds on the common. 
 We were shown an old tumbler which was so called because 
 it would not stand, we saw old axe-heads, hair, and different 
 things which were used in war, some gums and teeth, a 
 piece of an old comb, bowls which were used in the time 
 of the Saxons and Danes, Mr Swinburne seems quite an 
 antiquarian. Then we saw some photos of many different 
 schools round about, including ourselves, then we sang a 
 song or two and then we went and got some cones and after 
 thanking Mr and Mrs Swinburne we started homeward, we 
 were accompanied by a lady up to the first stile and then 
 we came home by the fields after spending a very enjoyable 
 afternoon, kindly given by Mr and Mrs Swinburne. — I re- 
 main, yours affectionately, Chrissie." 
 
APPENDIX in 241 
 
 APPENDIX III 
 
 (Prize Scheme) 
 
 From Lambert^ $ Almanac (1908), Woodbridge, which 
 contains a full independent account of the Scheme — I quote 
 extracts : — 
 
 " In 1881, isolation prevented, in many cases, any ad- 
 vancement;^ teachers knew no other methods but their 
 own ; there was no meeting of teachers ; no learning from 
 one another ; each went on ploughing his lonely furrow. 
 Mr Swinburne knew of the vast difference that existed be- 
 tween a good school and a bad school — how could he raise 
 the one to the other ? it was impossible to get all the schools 
 or all the scholars together : but the teachers could meet 
 and examine the work from all the schools. . . . Teachers 
 dispersed and wondered why such a meeting had not been 
 held in the past. . . . 
 
 " A teachers' library was now added to the scheme, Sir 
 Richard Wallace contributing £10 towards the initial ex- 
 pense. This library has been and is now of great utility 
 to the teachers ; the books are sent to a depots from whence 
 they are circulated each month to the teachers, each school 
 passing the books on to the next school. The teachers pay 
 the small sum of 2s. per year, and for this they each receive 
 twenty-four books. Mention must also be made here of 
 Mr Justinian Pelly, of Yoxford, Mr Richard Proctor, Arch- 
 bishop Benson, and Archbishop Trench, of Dublin, who 
 presented to the library a large number of books of standard 
 authors. Mr E. G. Warren, Framlingham School, became 
 the secretary to the Teachers' Library, and has continued to 
 hold that position since the time it was started. . . . 
 
 " In 1888, Her Royal Highness the Princess Christian be- 
 came a Patroness, being ' pleased to give her name to the good 
 work.' The Queen newspaper said of the scheme, this year, 
 that ' it was marked by much success,' and Lord Carlingford 
 said, ' the work has his Lordship's warmest sympathy.' . . . 
 
 *' In 1891, East Suffolk was honorably mentioned in Circular 
 
 ^ Note mine, not Almanac's. — A village headmistress, who migrated 
 to a town in another county, after telling her inspector there about 
 this backwardness, was subsequently horrified to discover (for he 
 was silent) that he was my predecessor ! 
 
242 APPENDIX IH 
 
 297 (Training of Pupil Teachers), issued by the Education 
 Department, ' in the establishment of a Prize Scheme for 
 encouraging the efforts of Teachers, and the friends of 
 Education.' Sir Josuha Fitch wrote that a scheme of this 
 kind 'gives teachers a higher ideal of their work.' The 
 School Guardian the same year, in its leading article, said, 
 *The East Suffolk Sewing Scheme has been a very efficient 
 agency in producing a spirit of wholesome emulation amongst 
 the various schools in the district over which it extends.' . . . 
 
 " 1902 saw a change in the Gen. Hon. Sec, Mr Busby, 
 Yoxford, taking the place of Mr Bryant, Laxfield, who had 
 worked with great energy during his years of office. The 
 following also became assistant secretaries — Mr W. Smith, 
 Henham ; Mr F. J. Eatcliffe, Lowestoft ; Mr Pleasants, 
 Metfield ; Mr T. Kice, Earl Soham. Notwithstanding the 
 great year of 1901, the Annual Meeting was a decided success, 
 the drawing section particularly showing great improvement. 
 Mr J. C. Colville (H.M.I. Surrey), gave an address, and said 
 that ' the work he had seen that day was creditable and 
 instructive to any body of teachers in the world.' . . . 
 
 " 1903 saw the taking over of the schools by the East Suffolk 
 County Council, under the Education Act, 1902. The area of 
 the Prize Scheme district being enlarged by all the schools 
 coming under one education authority, the Ipswich district 
 was added to the Beccles district, and schools were invited 
 to compete from the whole of the county of East Suffolk. 
 Many of the subscribers to the scheme now thought that the 
 County Council should take over the scheme, and carry on 
 its useful work. Accordingly, application was made in 
 June, 1904, to that body, that they should take over the 
 Scheme. In July, before the result was made known, came 
 the annual meeting, when Mr Swinburne gave his farewell 
 address as president, the final words upon a movement which 
 had engaged his unceasing attention and sympathy for 
 twenty-four years, through many and varied vicissitudes. It 
 was marked by characteristic geniality, a veneer of jocularity, 
 which, one feared, cloaked a heavy heart on the severance 
 of a life-long effort on behalf of Education. . . . The County 
 Council after several months consideration, decided, in March 
 1905, not to take over the scheme, and the committee of 
 the scheme had thus two alternatives, to allow the scheme 
 
APPENDIX III 243 
 
 to drop, or work it as before, relying on the kindness of 
 their former subscribers. Lord Stradbroke was invited to 
 become President, and he replied by telegram, ' Scheme has 
 Lord Stradbroke's warmest support, and he accepts Presi- 
 dentship unhesitatingly.' Accordingly in July, 1905, the 
 exhibition was held at Ipswich ,i in the higher grade schools. 
 Old friends rallied round the flag and many new ones were 
 found in the new district. The new president took an active 
 interest in its work, and with the help of a strong committee, 
 Mr Swinburne and the sub-inspectors, Mr J. J. Steele and 
 Mr T. Hunt, all worked with untiring energy to secure the 
 success of the annual exhibition." 
 
 I append a few extracts from the Scheme " Log." 
 The ladies who distributed the prizes were : — 
 
 1881. The late Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1882. The late Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1883. The Lady Constance Barne (" Whatsoever things 
 
 are true," etc.). 
 
 1885. The Lady Constance Barne. 
 
 1886. . The late Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1887. The late Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1888. Lady Blois (strongly recommended knitting). 
 
 1889. The late Mrs Lomax. 
 
 1891. The Hon. Anne Vanneck. 
 
 1892. The Hon. Miriam Thellusson. 
 
 1893. The late Lady Adair. 
 
 1894. The Lady Constance Barne. 
 
 1895. The late Hon. Mrs Lowther ("Whatsoever thy 
 
 hand findeth to do," etc.). 
 
 1896. Mrs Lucas (Easton Park). 
 
 1897. The Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1898. The Hon. Mrs Ivo Bligh (now Countess of Darnley) 
 
 (delivered an admirable speech on libraries). 
 
 1899. Mrs Long, Hurt's Hall. 
 
 1900. The Hon. Anne Vanneck. 
 
 1901. The Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1902. The Hon. Mrs Vanneck. 
 
 ^ Note, not in Almanac. — Even the huge marquees which took the 
 place of the Saxmundham Town Hall failed to provide the space 
 required. 
 
244. APPENDIX III 
 
 1904. Mrs Vernon- Wentworth. 
 
 1905. The Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1906. The Hon. Rosamund Hanbury. 
 
 1907. The Countess of Stradbroke. 
 
 1908. The Lady Cranworth. 
 
 1909. The Lady Mary Cayley.i 
 
 1910. Mrs Lomax. 
 
 1911. Mrs Lomax. 
 
 It has been a great honour to introduce these ladies 
 whose kindness and courtesy have marked, without a single 
 exception, all these years — but just as those two blessed 
 virtues, patriotism and cosmopolitanism are apt to clash, 
 the noble devotion of these ladies to their own particular 
 village or villages is apt to clash with their equally noble 
 devotion to their county. 
 
 I remember years ago one distinguished lady whose smiles 
 to the happy recipients of trophy or prize — gradually sub- 
 sided. The cause was not the arduousness of the task 
 (though before the distribution was confined to the trophies, 
 it was indeed arduous) but the fact that the name of her 
 own school had not yet fallen from her lips, and the list 
 was drawing to its end. 
 
 " I congratulate you," she kept whispering to the bowing 
 successful candidate — " but I cannot understand — is there not 
 
 some mistake ? Where is ," mentioning one of her own 
 
 schools. 
 
 No satisfactory response being thus elicited from her 
 bewildered auditors, the lady opened fire on me as I handed 
 her the prizes — beginning very gently — " I say, Mr Swinburne, 
 is coming on the list soon, I hope," — but ending in some- 
 thing very like anger. 
 
 " Mr Swinburne — when is coming. No as yet. 
 
 Do I not subscribe one guinea — I shan't go on — this is too 
 bad — etc., etc." But a more generous-hearted and kinder 
 friend of managers, teachers, and everyone else, never 
 breathed ; nor one who spared herself more. 
 
 In 1887 Mr Girling, President of the National Union of 
 
 ^ For the Lady Beatrice Pretyman, who most kindly made a special 
 effort to take the place of The Countess of Stradbroke ,whose indisposi- 
 tion prevented her coming. " A very great disappointment," Lord 
 Stradbroke wrote for her," but it cannot be helped." 
 
APPENDIX III 245 
 
 Elementary Teachers, then addressed the meeting, principally 
 upon the advantages of the East Suffolk Teachers' Circulating 
 Library. He said he was '^ grateful to Mr Swinburne for the 
 efforts he had made for creating healthy emulation between 
 school and school, which had created in the minds of many 
 of the children an esfrit de corps which would make them 
 jealous of the honour of their schools and try to keep up their 
 reputation. It helped the teachers very much to know that 
 their inspectors took a sympathetic interest in their work. 
 From his own experience in a country district he must say 
 he should have welcomed anything in the direction of in- 
 creased facilities for getting books as a perfect Godsend, and 
 he failed to understand why such a movement as this was 
 not taken up with enthusiasm. He feared that among many 
 of the lady teachers there was a little inclination, after they 
 had once obtained their certificates, to cease troubling them- 
 selves to acquire further knowledge, thinking that in a few 
 years they would be able to emancipate themselves in the 
 way in which ladies did emancipate themselves from such 
 duties (Laughter). He would remind them, however, as 
 a matter of statistics, that they could not all emancipate 
 themseves that way (Laughter and applause). He cer- 
 tainly hoped that teachers who lived in the towns would do 
 all they could to help forward this project for the benefit of 
 their brethren in the country. (Applause.) " 
 
 A headmistress who used to be at Sotterley, offered, though 
 out of the district, to subscribe 5s. Here are extracts from a 
 letter of hers in the year of the Imperial Exhibition in London, 
 (1900) :— 
 
 *' Sotterley School, 
 " Jan 20th, 1900. 
 
 " Dear Sir, — You cannot think how delighted my eyes 
 were to behold the specimens of work sent from your 
 schools to the great Imperial Institute. I congratulate 
 the teachers of Leiston and Beccles Board School on the 
 exhibits sent by them. More than one inspector has said 
 to me : ' If you could satisfy Mr Swinburne, I am sure you 
 will satisfy me.' " 
 
 In May 1892 :— 
 
 " No one can attach more importance than I do to such a 
 
246 APPENDIX III 
 
 scheme and I hope it may long flourish. — With regards, 
 yours very truly, Geo. Kekewich." 
 
 " A. J. Swinburne, Esq." 
 
 In 1891 :— 
 
 " It gives me real pleasure to be associated in ever so humble 
 a way, with those of my colleagues, who like yourself, are 
 not content with the mere routine duties of their office, but 
 are making earnest efforts — outside of official requirements — 
 to improve the schools and to give to teachers a higher ideal 
 of their work. — Yours ever trdy, J. G. Fitch." 
 
 " 9th Aug. 1895. 
 
 " I recognise most fully the educational value of the scheme 
 and I am delighted to hear that it has been so successful. — 
 I am, yours very truly, Geo. Kekewich." 
 
 " A. J. Swinburne, Esq." 
 
 " Nov. 6th, 1896. 
 
 " Dear Mr Swinburne, — Obviously your prize scheme 
 is an excellent work, and you are right in feeling proud of it. 
 
 " It always gives me a very real pleasure when I find 
 officers of this Department doing so much more than the 
 letter of their bond in the promotion of education in their 
 districts. It increases enormously their influence for good, 
 and puts them much more, in my opinion, in the position 
 that they ought to occupy, than if they confined themselves 
 to the inspecting and examining duties of which their strictly 
 official work mainly consists. I heartily congratulate you 
 on the success of your work. — I am, yours very sincerely, 
 
 " G. W. Kekewich." 
 
 In 1896 I said :— 
 
 " The most painful thing they had to contemplate was the 
 mind-decay amongst children who had left school. If there 
 was any such decay of body as there was of mind, the sanitary 
 authorities would have to interfere." 
 
 Sir Geo. Kekewich, who was accorded three hearty cheers 
 on rising, said he was present at the invitation of Mr Swin- 
 burne to support the Scheme, but so far as he could judge 
 from the exhibition and assembly it needed but little support 
 from him. It seemed to get all it wanted from the sur- 
 
APPENDIX III 247 
 
 rounding country. He understood Mr Swinburne was the 
 life and soul of the Association, and had done an admirable 
 work in promoting it. [Applause.] There was no Inspector 
 on their staff who was so interested in his schools and district, 
 and none who worked harder. [Loud applause.] " 
 
 In 1897 the Late Canon Raven wrote in his Parish 
 Magazine (Leiston) : — 
 
 " The annual meeting in connection with the Scheme was 
 held at Saxmundham, on Saturday, July 3rd. It was de- 
 cidedly the most interesting and successful meeting that has 
 hitherto been held. Mr Swinburne must have felt it a signal 
 mark of his appreciation by the Department, that Sir George 
 Kekewich the permanent head of the Department, came 
 from London in order to be present, and spoke in such praise 
 of our Inspector. Those who know Mr Swinburne best, know 
 that every word Sir George said of him was his just due." 
 
 And again in 1898 the same clergyman wrote : — 
 
 '* We must congratulate Mr Swinburne on the great success 
 he has achieved. It has been specially commended by the 
 Education Department. We understand that the Scheme 
 is peculiar to this district. No other inspector has had the 
 courage or the energy to face its difficulties. We congratulate 
 too, the committee on the way in which they have worked 
 the Scheme. One thing is certain that it has raised, and 
 that in the most pleasant way, the tone of the schools of 
 East Suffolk." 
 
 "National Union of Teachers, 
 
 " 71 Russell Square, 
 " London, W.C. Dec. 2\st, 1899. 
 
 " I had already noted that Mr Swinburne was the moving 
 spirit in the organisation, which might, I think, be copied 
 in other parts of the country with good results, — I am, very 
 faithfully yours, A. A. Thomas {Secretary). 
 
 " T. W. Bryant, Esq." 
 
 East Anglian Daily Times, Ipswich, Thursday, June 6th, 
 1901 :— 
 
 "Visit of the Duke of Devonshire to Suffolk 
 " The Duke of Devonshire, Lord President of the Council, 
 has consented to attend the annual exhibitions and meetings 
 
248 APPENDIX III 
 
 at Saxmundham, on Friday, July 19th, on the occasion of 
 the coming-of-age of the East Suffolk Elementary School 
 Prize Scheme, of which Mr A. J. Swinburne, H.M.I. , the 
 founder of the Scheme, in 1881, is president and treasurer." 
 
 1901:— 
 
 "Sir George Kekewich, the permanent secretary, of the 
 Board of Education, to whom the country owes a great debt 
 of gratitude, kindly came in his stead, and on his arrival, 
 together with the Countess of Stradbroke, who came down 
 from London to distribute the prizes, was escorted to the 
 scene of action by our lads of the C.L.B. The sum of £7 
 10s. was collected in the Tent, in aid of the camp expenses." 
 
 " In 1902 a high official has spoken of ' Mr Swinburne's 
 admirable educational gymkhana.' " ^ 
 
 Two extracts from the president's addresses at Ipswich 
 and Lowestoft in 1904 ^ : — 
 
 ■' Such praise from Whitehall, from Suffolk, and from 
 the sister of the King, for you will have seen the royal signed 
 photo in the exhibition — and yet T have climbed up here 
 to-day, so to speak, knife in hand, with my daughter, the 
 Scheme, and aged 24, for my blameless victim. (Laughter.) 
 Oh ! that the chairman of the County Council Com- 
 mittee, entangled in our rough platform, may yet, somehow, 
 prove a providential deliverance from this terrible ordeal ! 
 (Applause.) ..." 
 
 " Although they had had a successful day at the baths, 
 yet it was a sad one for him, for his daughter (the Scheme), 
 aged 24, seemed to be drowning before his eyes, while he was 
 bound hand and foot by the chains of enlarged area of district 
 and a diminished source of subscription. Had the borough 
 and county educational authorities the heart to let her sink 
 in full vigour with ten shields round her neck ? " 
 
 1904. — From a local newspaper I cull : — 
 
 "Mr Swinburne published a little volume of poems, which 
 
 1 Extract from letter to the Newspaper signed : — Thomas Lomax 
 (Chairman of the Yoxford School Board) and three Hon. Canons. 
 
 ' It was in that year the brave Lady Hilda M'Neil so nobly sacrificed 
 her young life to save another. 
 
APPENDIX III 249 
 
 realized £25 net profit for the benefit of the Scheme. The 
 following lines — 
 
 ' Bear to be beaten ; soothe the pain, 
 Remembering 'tis thy brother's gain, 
 A fool can know success is sweet. 
 It takes a man to hail defeat. 
 Lose well ; and losing win a prize 
 Beyond all words — like sunset skies.' 
 
 elicited an appreciation in a letter from an old scholar sent 
 to his late schoolmaster in this district : — 
 
 " * I think if any fellow keeps this in mind he'll keep straight 
 any time, for it applies to all spheres of life. Its grand ! 
 Fred's and my motto.' " 
 
 Another teacher wrote in 1905 : — 
 
 " Those words proved a mascot upon which, I shall always 
 look back with the greatest pleasure." 
 
 And let not the following lines, written by a London board 
 school mistress who migrated to Suffolk, be too severely 
 criticised on their literary side. I value them as the 
 testimony of a very able and experienced school mistress 
 and as a proof of the enthusiasm at the time. Even cows, 
 I am told, yield more and better milk when sung or whistled 
 to and Logic teaches us that the best of human beings are 
 partly animals. No one knew who wrote it until she left 
 —years after. 
 
 " The East Suffolk Prize Scheme, Saxmundham 
 
 " July 22nd and 2Srd, 1904. 
 
 " A stir and fuss in an inland town, 
 A rushing of motors and laces ; 
 A full-packed house for the Kose and Crown, 
 And a vision of childish faces. 
 
 Born of the soil that their footsteps press. 
 Its traces hanging around them, 
 In each sturdy step, and each golden head. 
 The children, but not as he found them. 
 
 With gentle bearing, and voices sweet, 
 
 Hear the little rustics singing ; 
 
 Taste taught them Mendelssohn's strains were meet 
 
 To set silver voices swinging. 
 
250 APPENDIX III 
 
 Poets there are who by pen and speech, 
 Kaise men's souls to a higher level, 
 Supremer the poet, whose power can reach 
 Souls poised between earth and the devil. 
 
 The words are halting, the measure bad ; 
 But in Suffolk child hearts are weeping, 
 To feel the loosening hold of the strand. 
 Which held them in ' Swinburne's ' keeping. 
 
 Still it seems to me, that his kindly hand, 
 With the breath of his high endeavour. 
 Has passed a blessing along the land. 
 And aided the children for ever. 
 
 An East Suffolk Teacher." 
 {Reprinted from the " Aldehurgh Times," Aug. 6, 1904.) 
 
 A propos of the neglect to teach swimming, I asked : — 
 
 " Why not stop the babies from learning to walk for them- 
 selves ? Why not invent a machine to lift them along — a 
 kind of self-help killer — so making self-help, the finest and 
 fairest fruit in all education's garden, a weed to be killed ! " 
 
 Of all the " tight corners " in thirty years of supervision, 
 none was tighter than when Mr B. Burton, with the kindest 
 of intentions and with the knowledge and power of a past 
 master of his subject, ventured upon a corollary to his award 
 as judge. Unfortunately he made a bad shot, when he said 
 that it was easy to see which of the two competing choirs (a 
 town and a village) came from the village ; and like a barbed 
 arrow the words " approximated more to the rural " rankled 
 in the breast of the adult town choir. I do not think any- 
 thing could have been done more calculated to impair the 
 beneficent efforts of this extremely kind-hearted patron's 
 generosity — for it was he who gave the splendid shield for 
 adult village choirs. I once knew a small town in which, 
 upon the post-master's purloining some postal orders, his 
 appearance before the local tribunal received a headline 
 worthy of a state trial, " The King versus the Postmaster 
 
 of ; " and I often think Idolatry mainly owed its origin 
 
 to something like the provincial pride which in self contempla- 
 tion gradually forgets a distant metropolis — ^though the 
 most marvellous the world has ever seen. But over and 
 
APPENDIX III 251 
 
 above the wounded amour propre ; the town had only entered 
 to ensure a race, and the vicar, truest of sportsmen, who sang 
 with them, was also very musical and a composer ! 
 
 In 1905 (from the East Anglian Daily Times) : — 
 
 "Mr A. Kankine having addressed the gathering, 
 " The Kev. A. R. Upcher said, my Lord and Lady Strad- 
 broke, Mr Swinburne, ladies and gentlemen, and though last not 
 least, dear teachers all, I esteem it a great privilege and honour 
 to be present once more among you at this magnificent meet- 
 ing of our East Suffolk Prize Scheme, which now for nearly a 
 quarter of a century under the able and indefatigable guid- 
 ance of Mr Swinburne backed up by a devoted band of 
 teachers and supported by a very large number of school 
 managers and other friends, has performed such an excellent 
 educational work. (Applause.) I have not the advantage 
 of being a Suffolk man myself, but though not quite, I am 
 nearly so, for though not a Suffolk man myself, I can say 
 ' My mother was.' (Loud laughter.) I was born on the 
 borders of Norfolk and Suffolk and therefore I am in the 
 position of one, who has one leg in each county. (Laughter.) 
 Now as it appears that there are some people who do not 
 either favour or support this East Suffolk Prize Scheme as 
 they ought, it will be well to remind ourselves what is the 
 object of this scheme. It is to encourage managers, teachers, 
 and scholars to take a more intelligent and earnest interest 
 in the education of East Suffolk and in everything which 
 tends to improve the tone and quality and results of educa- 
 tion in its highest and best sense. (Cheers.) Is this a good 
 object, or is it not ? I humbly submit that it is. We come 
 then, next to inquire how it is that certain educationists 
 appear either to condemn this scheme with faint praise, or 
 to retire from any active support thereof. 
 
 *' It is because we are suffering at the present time from a 
 temporary blot or disease, which seems to be affecting all 
 our national institutions and services alike, whether they be 
 military, naval or civil — I mean the principle of selecting for 
 service on the governing bodies of these great institutions, men 
 who are qualified, not by any expert knowledge of the subject 
 in hand, but because they belong to some political party. 
 While this state of things exists in England there will always 
 
252 APPENDIX III 
 
 be blundering and muddling as an inevitable consequence in 
 every department of our national life. Now, what is the 
 composition of the managing body of this Prize Scheme ? 
 It is nothing more or less, than a body of experts in educa- 
 tional training. And therefore, we have only to walk through 
 the various rooms and examine the exhibits and work of the 
 children and to compare them with those of other years, 
 to learn at a glance, that while the tone, efficiency and pro- 
 gress of educational work in East Suffolk have been on the 
 upward grade for the last twenty-four years, it has been 
 accomplished chiefly through the instrumentality of Mr 
 Swinburne's Scheme, which has been loyally and ably carried 
 out by the committee and teachers under his direction. 
 How is it then that there can be any educationists, whether 
 clergymen or laymen, who do not support such a scheme as 
 this ? Possibly, it may be because they are in the position 
 of a certain agricultural labourer who confessed, ' I can't 
 read " nawthin', " and I don't know " nawthin'," and I want 
 somebody to teach me " suffin' " ; in other words they do 
 not understand the business — they want somebody to tell 
 them " suffin'." (Laughter.) And the quickest and best way 
 to learn is to come to these meetings of the Prize Scheme 
 and hear the children sing and recite, and see them drill, 
 and to examine the work done and the results produced 
 during an educational year. It is, however, to be feared, 
 that this evident want of interest is caused not merely on 
 account of lack of knowledge, but because there are some 
 people who count no runs as good, unless they come from 
 their own bat, and who believe that nothing can be sound 
 unless they do it themselves. Mr Swinburne and his com- 
 mittee therefore are to be congratulated, that a gentleman 
 of high position in this county and one who is universally 
 respected, both for kindness of heart and sound business 
 capacity, has been found willing to come forward in what at 
 one time seemed a critical period in the history of this Prize 
 Scheme, at once to advocate its claims and to accept the 
 position of its President. I allude of course to Lord Strad- 
 broke. (Cheers and prolonged applause.) And the sincerest 
 thanks are due to him for the benefit of his countenance and 
 support when it is most wanted. (Renewed cheering and 
 applause.) There was not much fear now that we should 
 
APPENDIX III 253 
 
 hear any more talk of the scheme not being a good thing, 
 and not worth supporting. (Applause.) 
 
 " Rev. R. Abbay seconded, and said he congratulated the 
 masters and mistresses on the way they had brought the 
 exhibition to so successful a pitch, and he certainly con- 
 sidered that the scheme was one calculated to assist in de- 
 veloping all the faculties of the mind and body. (Applause.) 
 Teachers had an enormous responsibility, and he wished to 
 see them rise to the highest level possible and to do their 
 duty to the children not because they were paid for it, but 
 because it was the highest duty that could be placed in their 
 hands. (Applause.) 
 
 " The resolution having been carried by acclamation, 
 *' Lord Stradbroke, who on rising was received with hearty 
 applause, said that he considered it an honour to be president 
 of a Scheme like that, and he thought they owed a great debt 
 of gratitude to Mr Swinburne for the support he had given 
 to the scheme for so many years. (Applause.) So long, 
 too, as the teachers united and helped on those competitions 
 they could feel sure that in East Suffolk the educational 
 interests of the children were being well looked after. People 
 could find objections to the Scheme, but he thought that any 
 objections that might be raised could easily be got over. 
 The fact of the Scheme competitions taking place every year 
 kept the boys and girls up to the mark, and they owed a 
 great deal to the teachers of East Suffolk for the way in 
 which they did their works, and the keenness which they 
 showed in the performance of their duties. So far as he 
 could judge, there was every reason to believe that the 
 children would, when they left school, be able to take their 
 part in the world, and their minds, be so far advanced as to 
 enable them to take up a higher education if they wished. 
 He and Lady Stradbroke had been much struck by the high 
 class of the exhibits, and they hoped to see further advance 
 made as a result of the exhibition. No doubt London children 
 had advantages over country children, but in needlework, 
 at all events, he believed, the Suffolk children could hold their 
 own and beat the London children. (Applause.) He thanked 
 them for the kind way they had received him and Lady Strad- 
 broke and he could assure those present that he was very 
 glad to do anything to help forward the Scheme. (Applause.) 
 
254 APPENDIX III 
 
 "Mr Busby having read a letter from the Rev. J. F. A. 
 Hervey, in which he described the scheme as an interesting 
 and valuable one, and wished it success, proposed a vote of 
 thanks to the Countess of Stradbroke for kindly consenting 
 to present the prizes. (Applause.) 
 
 " A vote of thanks to the chairman, and the singing of ' God 
 Save the King ' closed the long day and what the Rev. 
 J. E. A. Hervey happily characterised as the best and most 
 interesting ' show ' of the whole year." 
 
 " My congratulations on the success of Saturday, 
 
 Charles J. Steward, 
 Ipswich, 30. 7. 6. Chairman Education Committee.''^ 
 
 Extract from his speech, 28th July 1906 : — 
 
 " I take a very great interest in this Scheme." 
 
 ''Feb. 1, 1906. 
 " It is an excellent — nay admirable institution, and I wish 
 that other inspectors and localities had followed your example. 
 .... It is such schemes as yours that awake and maintain 
 interest in education, in the locality; such schemes are 
 ' human,' and not dry as dust attempts to make prigs of 
 the community, sincerely yours, 
 
 "Sir George Kekewich, 
 " Laie Secretary to the Board of Education. ^^ 
 
 The present Bishop of Stepney said in 1908 : — 
 
 " For that reason alone, he thought they had reason to 
 thank from the bottom of their hearts those who had initiated 
 the Scheme, who had carried it through dark times, who had 
 given it their unwearied support — friends like Mr Busby, the 
 secretary — (applause) — and the teachers — and others who 
 had the happiness that day of seeing the movement dear to 
 their hearts so popular and so thoroughly well established. 
 (Applause.) 
 
 East Anglian Daily Times, July Slst, 1911 : — 
 "East Suffolk Prize Scheme 
 Speech by Mr Swinburne 
 " The Municipal School at Ipswich was, on Saturday, the 
 scene of great activity, for it was crowded with representatives, 
 
APPENDIX III 255 
 
 teachers, and scholars from almost every school in East 
 Suffolk. It was the occasion of the thirtieth annual series 
 of competitions, which are known as the East Suffolk Prize 
 Scheme." 
 
 Extract from Mr Swinburne's speech : — 
 
 " He (Mr Swinburne) felt like the true mother before 
 Solomon — he would rather that the Scheme were someone 
 else's than he should see it die." 
 
 From a leading article, Suffolk Chronicle, Aug. 4, '11 : — 
 
 " That the East Suffolk Prize Scheme should have existed 
 over a period of thirty years, on an entirely voluntary basis, 
 attests a degree of enthusiasm of which Suffolk people may 
 justly feel proud. Everyone will accord a large measure of 
 the credit to Mr A. J. Swinburne, now a veteran, in retire- 
 ment from school inspection work ; there are many others 
 who, catching inspiration from the founder, have backed 
 him up, and patronage has been generous. 
 
 " Hints were dropped during the proceedings at Ipswich 
 last Saturday that this Prize Scheme might very well be 
 worked by the Education Committee of the East Suffolk 
 County Council and a prominent member of that committee 
 promptly gave the assurance that such a proposal would be 
 received sympathetically. Schoolmasters and mistresses 
 know full well the value of the work ; managers and officials 
 should be equally cognisant of the beneficial results of this 
 series of annual competitions. To children in country 
 schools especially tests of this kind are inspiring. The high 
 value of the movement should ensure the dominance of good- 
 will in any necessary re-arrangement, the sole object of 
 which should be permanence, with necessary adaptation 
 to the needs of the day. 
 
 " Mr Lomax, chairman of the East Suffolk Education Com- 
 mittee in closing the proceedings said that Mr Swinburne 
 had thrown out a hint with regard to the Prize Scheme being 
 worked by the County Council. If their managing committee 
 came to them and made such a suggestion they would con- 
 sider it in a friendly manner. The Education Committee had 
 not the least wish to throw any cold water on the Scheme. 
 
 " Mrs Lomax kindly gave away the prizes." 
 
256 APPENDIX IV 
 
 The Leiston Observer, September 28th, 1911 : — 
 " The East Suffolk Prize Scheme 
 
 " The East Suffolk Prize Scheme, which since 1881 has done 
 an immense amount of good amongst the schools of East 
 Suffolk, in promoting annually keen scholastic competitions, 
 is holding its annual swimming festival on Saturday October 
 7th, in the swimming baths at Lowestoft. . . . Handsome 
 shields have been presented by Lady Gooch, Sir Saville 
 Crossley, Sir Edward Beauchamp, M.P., and others. . . . 
 It is a sight worth witnessing to see the high state of efficiency 
 to which the children are brought by the enthusiasm and 
 voluntary extra work of the teachers of our day schools in 
 the county. . . . Mr A. J. Swinburne who initiated the 
 scheme in 1881 has, in an unofficial manner done more than 
 any other, we venture to say, for the better education of our 
 children, and his long connection and arduous work in con- 
 nection with the Prize Scheme is bearing fruit now, and will 
 continue to do so for many years." — Extract from leading 
 article. 
 
 APPENDIX IV 
 
 (Crowded Out) 
 
 The Parson's Plot is crowded out. A certain vicar, his 
 zeal for his church out-running the limits of fair play, sprang 
 upon me — so to speak — from behind ; but his brother clergy 
 rallied round like true sportsmen; Whitehall congratulated 
 me on having won a victory without drawing my sword — 
 and best of all I helped that vicar afterwards to get a more 
 lucrative benefice — for he meant well, and though he never 
 intended to, strengthened my hands more than any praise 
 could have done — not to mention coals of fire. And of those 
 golden opportunities for self-improvement — Evening Schools 
 — I have only room for one story. Disgusted by the dwind- 
 ling in the attendance, a zealous young master brought out 
 a pair of boxing gloves and severely punished the solitary 
 survivor of a most flourishing start. The blood long stained 
 the school floor. What was that master's amazement when 
 the whole class 'turned up" the next night — "And might 
 they please have the gloves on too." There is no accounting 
 for taste. 
 
APPENDIX IV 257 
 
 And the many droll sayings of my hired driver ! There 
 was a clergyman who set before me champagne and some 
 of his wife's gooseberry wine — both in corked odd decanters 
 — and I was to tell him which was which. My indignation 
 at the toughness of the aged cock was mollified by my driver's 
 worse experience. He had had nothing but its head and neck ! 
 
 Conducting a lady over his church he met her remark — 
 " I miss saints in the windows," by " Madam, our saints 
 are in the flesh" — patting his extensive bow- window. He 
 certainly had plenty of room for them — had that vicar ! 
 
 After he had been shown some statues in a garden, he asked 
 me if I " see them things — a kind of man — stone I believe — to 
 stand as a shy to anyone, I suppose, coming about of a night, 
 over the premises." — This was the driver — not the vicar. 
 
 I had much to say, too, on recitation — about which my 
 remarks some years ago may still be read : — 
 
 ''Although there was nothing definitely stated as to what 
 they should learn, he found an extraordinary fascination 
 for certain poems throughout the district, as though all the 
 teachers were bound to these three or four poems, such as 
 * Gray's Elegy ' and ' The Deserted Village,' both beautiful 
 poems, but not the only poems in the world. He did not 
 take any credit for it — probably it was the work of the age — 
 but there seemed to be a tendency to advance from the 
 churchyard and the grave to the ' Deserted Village.' Our 
 lives, however, were not so full of joyousness as to necessitate 
 the spending of most of our poetical lives in the one or the 
 other. (Laughter.) As to the male pupil teachers, there 
 seemed to be a wonderful fondness on their part for that 
 great speech of the Earl of Chatham about the employment 
 of savage mercenaries. Its special connection with the 
 work of pupil teachers he had certainly failed to discover ; 
 but he had often thought, when he asked himself if he might 
 hope to hear it for the last time, of the concluding words, 
 ' Never, never, never.' (Laughter.) Another selection 
 that had a special fascination was Scott's ' Lady of the Lake,' 
 and their friends, Roderick Dhu and Fitz-James, figured very 
 prominently. How often had he heard that 
 
 ' Ill-fared it then with Roderick Dhu, 
 That on the field his targe he threw.' 
 
 — and later on of ' The Gael above, Fitz-James below,' 
 
258 APPENDIX IV 
 
 very suggestive of a prize fight from BeWs Life. (Laughter.) 
 The meeting between Ellen and Fitz James was a favourite 
 subject with the females. With the feelings which at that 
 age we were all more or less prone to, ' Oh, need I tell that 
 passion's name ? ' (Laughter.) Or — 
 
 ' Not his the form, nor his the eye, 
 That youthful maidens wont to fly.' 
 
 — (Much laughter.) He did not, of course, say a word against 
 the poetry, but he wished to remind them that there was 
 other poetry in the world. At one time it would seem that 
 a single death palled upon their appetite and nothing short 
 of ' The graves of a household ' could satisfy it. Why ' We 
 are seven ' should be a favourite for childhood he never 
 could divine — seeing that Wordsworth wrote it with the 
 express object of showing that death is beyond the com- 
 prehension of a child." 
 
 Nor can I wholly omit that marvellous escape of the five 
 Lowestoft girls, when the flood caused a large iron school to 
 float away — leaving the cloak-room and the foundations 
 standing as they were. 
 
 A strong current about 6 feet deep carried the structure 
 through two stiff fences, for a distance of about 300 feet — 
 and though water enough to float the harmonium came in, 
 the five girls who had stayed for their dinner were afterwards 
 safely rescued by a boat. The flower-pots in the windows 
 remained as they were, and the girls thought the neighbour- 
 ing houses, and not they, were being carried away — tho' the 
 wire from the fences clung still to the outside of the school. 
 
 Yet one more reminiscence of my driver, with his born- 
 actor face, a Sam Weller, except in his reasoned preference 
 of flight to fight, — in pre-motor days. 
 
 A commercial traveller with whom I conversed at Lowestoft, 
 on learning my name, seemed surprised at my good health, 
 and told me he had often heard about me from this same 
 driver, who spoke of me as " Our master." " Pitee, pitee, our 
 master, nice genllman as he is, should be as he is — he'll drive 
 from mornin' till evenin' and never call at a single public — 
 I am frightened to dead there's sutthin' the matter wi' his 
 innards," etc., etc. Nor is he the only one who would account 
 for temperance by supposing its owner to be " afflicted." 
 
 The best intentioned of men, when their heads are crowded 
 
APPENDIX IV 259 
 
 with ideas, sometimes, like overflowing populations, make raids 
 upon their fellows — more sparsely occupied in that respect. 
 
 By checking such an incursion Lord , an ex-guardsman, 
 
 once did my friends yeoman service. Volley after volley 
 of etymological dissertation from me over a stuffed specimen 
 in his collection, which I had dubbed " Ox-bird " — a very 
 hail-storm of Usk, Esk, Ex, Ux, Oxford, Yoxford, muddy 
 Oose, etc. — were met by the calm and solitary dissyllable 
 " Mud-bird," discharged at every lull in a determined but 
 futile attempt to dislodge him from his stronghold. 
 
 Hours after — the subject forgotten — his parting shot 
 completed the rout — " Good-bye, Swinburne — mud-birds." 
 
 But a certain distinguished Countess, verily one of nature's 
 as well as convention's noblesse, did yet better service to 
 me as well as to my friends, by more than once pruning 
 that exuberance of officialism which is apt to flatter even 
 sensible officials out of their senses. Take two instances — 
 In a speech at Framlingham I had cited the late Lady Rose's 
 " exceeding bitter cry," audible to all in a large dinner party, 
 about her scullery-maid reading poetry, etc. ; and my reply 
 thereto — also audible through a painful pause — " Better 
 be resting and in the light, with Longfellow, than ' walking ' 
 and in the dark, with some other fellow." 
 
 After that speech at Framlingham, I heard something, 
 and no mistake ! I shall never again forget that there are 
 such things as Duchesses who have servants' libraries, etc., 
 etc. On another occasion in a speech, in the Ipswich town 
 hall, on cruelty to animals, I had risked an old story — to 
 illustrate the folly of using magniloquent language, especially 
 to children — that one about the village-town haberdasher 
 whose placard " Mens Conscia Recti " struck dismay into the 
 opposition haberdasher's breast — until the latter's happy 
 thought went one further — and, next day, blazed out in a 
 yet more conspicuous placard — "Men's (and Women's) Conscia 
 Recti." I also told them of a wounded seagull at Thorpe 
 — ^literally between the devil and the deep sea — for on the 
 land side boys pelted her with stones, and on the other side 
 the waves washed her nearer and nearer to her persecutors. 
 Anxious to do justice to the forgiving expression in the 
 poor bird's eyes, as I came on the scene, I first, when preparing 
 the speech, compared her look to the forgiving glance of 
 
260 APPENDIX IV 
 
 Divine Pity on the Cross — but my wife branding this as pro- 
 fane, I substituted St Stephen's — though unfortunately I 
 forgot to alter the words ; I should have said — " Lay not this 
 sin to their charge," but I said " Forgive them for they know 
 not what they do." The smoke (so to speak) of the applause 
 had not yet died away, when I was conscious of a tall graceful 
 figure breaking through it — to make for me — flight hopeless — 
 
 / (to myself) " Hast thou found me, oh ! " (To the 
 
 Countess) " It is the stale story — I knew you would " 
 
 Countess — " Nothing of the sort — I liked the story — 
 never heard it before — but for goodness sake verify your 
 quotations next time. Have you a Bible at home — or 
 shall I write and send you the words ? . . ." And there were 
 many wise and many learned men there — but no one but 
 this brilliant lady — and she entirely bookless — had pounced, 
 with a hawk's unerring eye, on the blunder ; and once more 
 I had to warmly thank her for correction so vigilant and 
 able, and to decline her most kind offer of written proof. 
 
 The changes in drill have proceeded at a breathless rate — 
 military drill, inhaling drill, and how many others. The 
 latest (older girls') drill I saw at a public exhibition, seemed 
 to put calves before character — the adult teacher's display 
 being lavish in this respect — though modesty comes before 
 muscles. The boy at my old school whose envied pectoral 
 muscles had been developed to a size large enough for the 
 other sex, came to an early death, and how about women's 
 vitality in the Insurance lists ? Also a foot-ball was intro- 
 duced. This ball worship is a Baal revival ; feet now count 
 for more than heads. Is there not something in the Psalms 
 about " upside down." " This side up — with care " will 
 have to be a label for men and education as well as for parcels. 
 
 I omitted to state, in Oxford days, that I was asked to be 
 a member of Vincent's club ; and was proud to join. 
 
 APPENDIX V 
 
 (Speeches) 
 
 I quote three speeches which cover an interval of about 
 twenty years, as my opinions are unchanged. 
 
 From a speech at the beautiful place of Mrs H. Buxton 
 
APPENDIX V 261 
 
 (a warm friend of the Scheme) at Fritton more than twenty- 
 years ago : — 
 
 " Irregularity of attendance, like swarms of rats on ships 
 which are victualling for long voyages, eats out the heart 
 of schools. 
 
 " Much as I like the attendance officers I have met, I am not 
 enamoured of the system. As with cruelty to animals, 
 principles and love are better than prying and legislation. 
 Love's magnet makes the veriest sceptic believe in miracles. 
 The inspector can only be in one place at a time and some- 
 times he's not even there. As I drove the other day through 
 a terrible storm to an inspection, I wondered in my close 
 carriage whether a single child would be present. 
 
 " They were all present, smiling and happy. 
 
 " What was the secret ? Two teachers with hearts in their 
 work — and what a work ! Each elementary teacher is a 
 graft of a higher civilization in the hardy village stock. 
 The transient course of the child's study — good as it is, as 
 far as it goes — is as nothing compared with the educational 
 effect of joint effort, affectionate anxiety not to disappoint 
 an affectionate teacher, etc., for these will make better men 
 and women for the Empire our villages will people. How 
 gratifying is the improvement that has been bravely won 
 by managers and teachers in the teeth of an opposition 
 against which — reminding one of the difficulties in the 
 emancipation of the black population in America — clergy- 
 men and teachers (and no class has done so much in East 
 Suffolk in the disinterested support of education as the 
 clergy) have had to struggle ! 
 
 "1. Against the prejudice of magistrates, who from the highest 
 motives hesitate to exert their authority, often wasting 
 noble pity and sympathy on unworthy objects by accepting 
 excuses we know to be flimsy, and so failing to secure us 
 good attendance, the life blood of efficiency. Nay, some 
 gentlemen will go so far as to speak hardly of teachers and 
 inspectors, which reminds me of farmers who persecute 
 moles, their best friends, working away underneath the soil 
 to make it better. ' Give us gardening, cooking and needle- 
 work is their cry — not books.' But alas ! concede them 
 their wish and in a few years the apathy is as dense as ever. 
 
262 APPENDIX V 
 
 " 2. Against the prejudice of farmers, to whom (with excep- 
 tions of course) the only argument that has ever really told 
 in favour of Education, is one that we use ourselves before 
 going to a dentist — ' the sooner begun the sooner ended.' 
 So anxiously is the luscious morsel of cheap labour awaited ! 
 A small rural board in my district convened a meeting to 
 consider the gravity of the situation revealed by the startling 
 fact that their school had won the excellent merit mark. 
 In a word it was as if they awoke in the morning to find 
 enthusiasm planted in the night, and to mutter * An enemy 
 hath done this.' Summoning their master they explained how 
 it had fallen upon them like an unexpected blow. That 
 they had no idea an excellent school was forming in their 
 midst, and finally that with the highest opinions of his 
 powers and fidelity, they advised him to seek an opening 
 elsewhere ! ^ 
 
 " 3. Against the prejudice of parents, fox foresight and self- 
 denial are the offspring of intelligence, a blessing too rarely 
 as yet in the possession of the parents. If they do appreciate 
 the value of education it is as a result rather than as a power ; 
 as if a man used dumb-bells for the sake of the dumb-bells 
 themselves ; instead of for the exercise. Hence the vast 
 waste in controversy over curricula, which reminds one 
 of people who worry themselves about such questions as 
 ' whether their dumb-bells are made of iron or brass,' etc. 
 Hence upper standards thin and shrunken as blighted trees. 
 Girls of fourteen used to abound ; now I have several com- 
 plaints of schools unable to muster a sewing ' team ' to 
 represent their school in the prize competition — because 
 a girl of eleven is wanted ! Hence, too, the awkward question 
 ' are we not giving children enough to make them restless 
 and proud ; but not enough to give them the noble ballast 
 of a thoughtful mind.' The early age of leaving school is 
 among the most serious problems for modern philanthropists ; 
 
 ^ My reader smiles incredulously. But what man of the world will 
 not tell you that even at the Government Departments the surest road 
 to promotion is to disturb the water as little as possible. The shock 
 it was to me, when first I discovered that the rural school board sup- 
 pressed rather than encouraged the Education for which it existed ! 
 But of late years I have begun to think that the great central Board at 
 Whitehall, and Parliament itself — at heart are much of the same opinion 
 as that rural school board. 
 
APPENDIX V 263 
 
 for the better the schools the earlier they leave. Night 
 schools seem the only present solution ; and I heartily 
 thank the clergy and teachers for the manner in which they 
 have supported me in this opinion. 
 
 " In view, then, of all these difficulties I cannot better close 
 my remarks than by repeating my own words at a similar 
 gathering (and would there were more of them) at Fram- 
 lingham in 1883 — my feelings upon the subject remaining 
 unaltered. 
 
 "In conclusion, as friends together — brothers and sisters 
 in one arduous task — and, with attendance as it is, none 
 but those well acquainted with schools know how arduous, 
 let us get as much encouragement as we can from one another, 
 and return to our work with fresh vigour, to face the dis- 
 couragements we must encounter. 
 
 " I once heard a promising pupil teacher give a lesson on 
 the discovery of America. ' Columbus never would succeed,' 
 they said. If he did succeed worse still ; it meant the ruin 
 of the old country. They actually tried to drown him. 
 But he persevered to the end. Ajid what is your end ? 
 The end of each true manager and teacher — an end as noble 
 as the discovery of continents is the development of In- 
 telligence — a new, vast, undiscovered boon for your fellow- 
 countrymen, the poor. No phantom El Dorado, no fond 
 enthusiast's dream, this blessing at which you are aiming, 
 but as genuinely and substantially superior to more showy 
 benefits — as the industry and thrift of northern nations, 
 to the richest silver mines of Peru. Towards that great 
 end, invisible, I know, as yet, but still there, all true managers 
 and teachers are steering. Oceans of time and toil may 
 have to be crossed, but still steering steadily those serviceable, 
 if sometimes, leaky vessels — their schools. They must 
 think of Columbus. Their troubles are not like his. No 
 one wants to kill them. Listen to two voices from Wales, 
 on the subject. Mr A. Brogden, M.P., in dwelling on the 
 importance of scientific knowledge for the labouring classes, 
 said : ' A man whose mind was sufficiently informed and 
 advanced is a happier man, and has within himself much 
 subject for thought, which gives him a real interest in life. 
 Such a man has a higher range of intellect, and is better 
 able to perform the duties which devolve upon him.' " 
 
264 APPENDIX V 
 
 *'Mr T. FalconeTj a county court judge, said : 
 ' There is no danger of any human being learning too 
 much. The danger is not from getting into deep water, but 
 from being in the shallow. Without correct knowledge and 
 cultivated powers of reasoning we cannot form a correct 
 judgment, or see, as it were from afar, the consequences 
 of our actions. The truth in most things lies at a distance, 
 but the approach to it is open to every man, and on no man 
 rests the duty to stop the road.' And from Scotland the 
 president of the late conference of brethren there. * To 
 teachers I would say, ' Have a high ideal . . . ever re- 
 membering that ... we more than others may leave behind 
 us footprints on the sands of time.' " 
 
 In April 1911 at the Town Hall, Ipswich — to introduce my 
 successor, Mr Grindrod : — 
 
 " I hope I shall not to-day make any faux pas, like that, 
 of the nervous bridegroom, who, when called upon for a 
 speech, stretching out his hand in the direction of the bride 
 at his side, began — ' I do not know why this thing is thrust 
 upon me.'i 
 
 " In introducing Mr Grindrod my pleasure (not unmixed 
 with pain) is enhanced by the conviction that the continuity 
 of inspection cannot be broken under one, who tells me he 
 comes with no intention of pulling up any plant, till he has 
 had time to test its worth, an assurance which affords you 
 and me immeasurable relief. Of course, even to a Suffolk 
 H.M.I, there must be some unpleasantness, but my feelings 
 on the whole may be compared to those of the tallow manu- 
 facturer, who, after retiring because he could not bear some 
 of the smells, came back in a year and begged that he might 
 be allowed to spend half an hour in that room which smelt 
 the worst. 
 
 " Among the minor flowers is the Teachers' Library — imitated 
 by the N.U.T. — and a Scheme, whose praises you have too 
 often heard from me ; but the words of a leading member 
 of the East Suffolk Education Committee, the other day, that 
 the general attitude of that authority was one of cordial 
 approval, gladdens a father's heart. But Suffolk schools ! 
 
 ^ I suppose I must have inadvertently stretched out my hand in the 
 direction of my successor, for I cannot otherwise account for the applause 
 and laughter which for some time prevented me from continuing. 
 
APPENDIX V 265 
 
 — ' Must I leave thee, Paradise ' — best sums up my sorrow 
 in severing my official connection with Suffolk countryside, 
 Suffolk children, managers, teachers and all — all so kind to 
 me. It has fallen to the lot of few to have lived in so charm- 
 ing a county and received so much kindness as I have. My 
 enemies never spoke a truer word than when, in opposing 
 the extension of my term of office, they said, " He has had a 
 good innings.' 
 
 " At first I thought I could not bear the wrench, but it is 
 easier now that I find that my friends the teachers are still 
 my friends, and that I may still visit their schools — though 
 not as the late Kector's widow, Mr Grindrod. 
 
 " And so once more, for my comfort and your own, let me 
 beg you to bind round both arms this phylactery — from 
 the mantelshelf of a very aged artist — 'I have had a great 
 deal of trouble in my life, and most of it — never happened.'' 
 
 " And now that my fetters are off — about inspection — if an 
 inspector may point out the faults he is liable to himself — 
 Deliver us from Fads. A benevolent public pays the piper 
 and calls the tune. The mischief of it is, there are as many 
 calls as there are crazes in the mind of that public. ' Come,' 
 say they, ' let us make gardeners of them, carpenters, 
 soldiers, artists, cooks, and what not, and the inheritance 
 shall be ours.' Never forget, you must make men before 
 you make craftsmen. 
 
 *' Where you have huge schools it is bad enough, but what 
 of the rural schools, where the head teacher has to imitate 
 the man one used to see in London — playing a whole band 
 himself. Will you distract such an one by demanding fresh 
 times ever ? Our three L.E.A.'s have wisely left inspection 
 to H.M.I, and his staff (and no part of my wrench has been 
 more painful than parting with that admirable officer, Mr 
 Hunt), but still there are tearful eyes, middle-aged despair, 
 etc. A master, magnificent at military drill, is black-listed, 
 because he has been left a yard behind in the breathless race 
 to keep up with the latest physical exercise manual. The 
 teacher's sleep is broken lest they publish yet another in the 
 night. A middle-aged mistress, splendid at her work, girds 
 herself to teach double digging, meantime a drill expert 
 calls and blacklists her for not having the latest drill book. 
 A mistress has her walls, like a veteran's breast, covered 
 with needlework trophies; a London inspector calls, and 
 
 R* 
 
266 APPENDIX V 
 
 practically black-lists her for teaching younger infants needle- 
 work at all. 
 
 " I have known an inspector almost as bloodless as a figure 
 of Euclid or an Algebraic formula, one who completely 
 ignores your ninety-nine good points if you happen to lack 
 his hundredth, though all the while, if you please, he lacks 
 your ninety-nine. And I am not sure the modern trend 
 does not set in that direction. In Heaven's name, let not any 
 sympathy of mine be taken for connivance with ' slackers.' 
 No genuine popularity was ever won by that sort of inspector. 
 
 " So the rural teacher toils, day after day, only to find his 
 or her ideal gone, when he or she reaches the place where it 
 was. Oh, when will they learn not to cut rural cloth with 
 urban scissors ? There should be a graveyard near every 
 school for dead Fads — 'Here lies the Schedule Idol; here 
 lies Sloyd, died in infancy, etc' Fads must be ; but let us 
 not throw cold water on the best quality on earth, devotion 
 to duty, on any lines it likes, and let each develop on his 
 own lines. 
 
 " The lonely semi-lighthouse life of many a rural school- 
 mistress surrounded by temptation and battling with 
 ignorance on every side ! We should leave sympathy and 
 encouragement with her when we call. Such lives especi- 
 ally need kindness, and even those emblems of strength, 
 the oak trees, spread every leaf to catch every gleam of 
 sunshine. Shall we ask such an one to set her infants of 
 six to write essays on paper on such subjects as, ' In what 
 occupations are the farmers now engaged, and why have 
 they not commenced them earlier ? ' or, ' What observation 
 has occurred to you in passing through an April barley- 
 field ? ' etc. 
 
 "Oh, anything but happy is the lot of the faddily inspected ! 
 At least an inspector can speak before he writes, and so give 
 breathing time to amend a fault — can sympathetically 
 indicate orally, not cruelly wound on paper. 
 
 " Though cleanliness and cleverness must be insisted upon, 
 let us be merciful in our reprimand of those less happily 
 supplied with hygienic appliances and culture than our- 
 selves, rememlbering as the parvenu squire once told the 
 school boys, on prize day, that every man cannot be a Euclid 
 or — Algebra. We should not, as in the fable of the ' Fox 
 and the Goat,' use the ignorance of others wherewith to lift 
 
APPENDIX V 267 
 
 ourselves from obscurity to notice, but the gradual improve- 
 ment of their understanding in these matters should rather 
 be our goal. The sorrows of the faddily inspected seem to 
 me to be reflected in that popular recitation in baby classes, 
 *How would yeww like it.' The babe has to be all smiles 
 on the occasion of the visit of a very important relative, 
 though all the while a pin is sticking into it — somewhere. 
 
 " * How would yeww like it ? ' 
 
 " But in town schools another percentage idol has arisen — 
 compulsory competition in physical exercises. Competition, 
 like stimulants, a blessing in moderation, is, in excess {i.e. com- 
 pulsory) , a maddening curse. And attendance shields are worse. 
 While we teach the laws of hygiene and humanity in schools 
 we force children to attend who ought to be at home on both 
 of those principles. We put a premium on bad parentage. 
 
 " Of course there are faults on the other side. Perhaps the 
 chief is a certain ambitious and bookish want of common- 
 sense thoroughness, illustrated by a recenfc visit to a school 
 where the older girls cramped into infant desks in the class 
 room were tackling first-class adult science questions, such as 
 * Enumerate the best methods of cleansing a baby's bottle, 
 or wheeling a babe's perambulator, etc' But meantime, 
 where were the babes ? Shivering, by the hour, in a net- 
 work of draughts dignified with the name of lobby. 
 
 " Also we do too much for the children. When motoring 
 I saw a boy on the road with half a yard of bootlace flying. 
 Should I anticipate God's law — Close on the heels of folly 
 follows a fall ? ' Yes, I wiU.' 
 
 " I point. 
 
 " His reply is equally laconic. He lifts his leg for me to 
 fasten up the lace for him. We are too apt to tie their 
 mental laces for them." 
 
 It was a red-letter day for me that April day, and none 
 were present who will ever forget the genuine enthusiasm 
 of the meeting, and Mr Grindrod is much too large-minded 
 a man to begrudge me the large portion of applause that fell 
 to my share. In an able speech, as tactful as it was kind, 
 he referred in flattering terms to my blue book reports, from 
 one point of which he quotes a remark which he had culled 
 before he knew me — about the village boy who used at 
 eight years of age to pick out nouns, at nine, adjectives and 
 verbs, and at ten — stones ! 
 
268 APPENDIX V 
 
 At Ipswich in July 1911 : — 
 
 The presentation of an illuminated address and a purse 
 of gold then took place to Mr A. J. Swinburne, amidst much 
 enthusiasm. 
 
 Mr Eaton White's speech ended : — 
 
 " They would agree, for Mr Swinburne to have remained at 
 his post for thirty-five years without being hanged by either 
 party, was really something which neither they nor he would 
 like to embark upon. (Laughter and applause.) They 
 all recognised the kindly feelings that animated him, and the 
 common sense he had brought fco bear on those in authority 
 in London. The prize scheme was a great venture, and it 
 had been satisfactorily carried out. There was a danger 
 of their being too parochial, and the competition gave the 
 children a wider outlook on life, and perhaps a humbler view 
 of their own attainments. He concluded by asking Mrs 
 Lomax to make the presentation. (Applause.) 
 
 " Eev. J. F. A. Hervey uttered a few remarks, saying he 
 hoped they would make up their minds to carry on this 
 Scheme. It had been a great success in the past, and it 
 deserved to be maintained in the future, to the best of their 
 ability. (Applause.) The exhibition had shown them that 
 more and more was being done for the boys. He trusted 
 the fruits of these efforts would be more manifest as time 
 went on. People talked of the old times ; but his opinion 
 was that they were rough times, and he was glad he was 
 living in the nineteenth century, and not in the fifteenth. 
 (Laughter and applause.) 
 
 " Mr Swinburne then advanced to the front of the platform, 
 amidst cheers, and Mr Busby read the address, which was as. 
 follows : — 
 
 " To Alfred James Swinburne, Esq. 
 
 " Dear Sir, — Teachers and a few of your many friends 
 in East Suffolk, upon your retirement from the position of 
 H.M. Inspector of schools, ask your acceptance of the accom- 
 panying purse of gold, as a slight token of their appreciation 
 of the unique and excellent services rendered by you to the 
 cause of Education during the long period of thirty-one years. 
 
 " You have always had the interests of true education at 
 heart, and as the originator of the East Suffolk prize scheme 
 and the Teachers' Library you have done much outside your 
 
APPENDIX V 269 
 
 official duties to promote a cordial spirit of co-operation 
 amongst managers, teachers, and scholars, and have suc- 
 ceeded in materially raising the standard of attainments 
 throughout the county. 
 
 " We pray that you may be spared in good health for many 
 years to enjoy your well-earned retirement. 
 
 " Signed, on behalf of subscribers, by Frederick Wase, 
 President, and William Busby, Secretary of the East Suffolk 
 County Association of Teachers.'* 
 
 The illumination work is admirably done, and includes 
 a representation of the arms of the county of Suffolk. 
 
 The Rev. C. Luther Wanstall, of Butley, said he thought 
 one of the principal points had been omitted regarding Mr 
 Swinburne. He was like his late Majesty King Edward — 
 a peacemaker. 
 
 Mrs Lomax, wife of the chairman of the Education Com- 
 mittee of East Suffolk handed the gifts to Mr Swinburne, 
 and the audience rose and sang vigorously, " For he's a 
 jolly good fellow." 
 
 Mr Swinburne, in replying, said, " Mr Lomax, ladies and 
 gentleman, I feel like the gourmand upon whom his friends 
 played a practical joke. Knowing his favourite dish to be 
 haunch of venison, they invited him to dinner, and did him 
 thoroughly well ; then, when he had partaken to his fill of 
 all the good things, in came the venison on a lordly dish. 
 The gourmand burst into tears and left the house. That 
 is just what I should like to do now. I cannot find words 
 to thank you enough. At the Town Hall in April, you all 
 gave me your kind attention, and allowed me to talk to my 
 heart's content, and to-day when you are here to lend me a 
 kindly hearing once again, I, having said so much, have 
 nothing left to say. Still, it is a great pleasure to see you all 
 assembled once again, to recognise the faces of those with 
 whom I have worked for so many years, and to remember 
 the struggles we have had, and the fights we have fought 
 shoulder to shoulder, and to feel that this our child, whose 
 birthday we are here to celebrate, has grown and thriven 
 beyond our happiest expectations ; and that to-day it has 
 reached the almost mature age of nine and twenty. (Applause.) 
 
 " While parting from you, and once more warmly thanking 
 you, I want to say that, after thirty-five years work as in- 
 
270 APPENDIX V 
 
 spector, I am able to realise how much of England's history 
 is in your hands. Every year you send forth fresh recruits 
 to swell the ranks of her workers. People are apt to forget 
 that our soldiers and sailors of the future are in your keeping. 
 For example, what use will our much-vaunted Dreadnoughts 
 be if the gunner has not had enough arithmetical grounding 
 to sight the gun ? Then why this languid interest, from 
 Parliament, downwards, whenever Elementary Education is 
 on the tapis ? It is a pardonable failing of a virile and 
 insular stock, and there is little fault to find with that stock, 
 but wider views (to speak Suffolk) were ' spreeding.' I 
 quote two of many proofs. Lord Stradbroke, president of 
 this Scheme, said at Framlingham : ' In elementary schools 
 boys thought so long as they learned reading and writing 
 they were educated, whereas reading and writing were only 
 a means for education.' Why (asks a Standard corres- 
 pondent) is the village boy or girl to be shaped according 
 to a supposed vocation ? Who can settle that vocation ? 
 
 " And here we arrive again at the oft-mooted question — 
 Fads. There are two kinds of Fads, the Fads that are 
 visitors, and the Fads that come to stay, but who can say 
 which is which until each has had a fair trial ? And let 
 us remember the wonders that have been worked and the 
 miraculous changes that have taken place since the "good 
 old days." It is, however, on behalf of the teachers that I 
 would tilt against the mischievous genus of Fad. 
 
 *' I once saw a water wagtail seated on a rail, alongside of 
 what I took to be a pigeon. The little bird was vainly 
 endeavouring to satisfy the insatiable appetite of her monster 
 foster-child. A cuckoo had laid its egg in that water wag- 
 tail's nest ; and a more pathetic picture of drooping misery 
 than that poor little mother could not be imagined. Its 
 very name was belied. Its little tail had positively ceased 
 to wag. Fads are very like cuckoos' eggs. Ideas are 
 deposited and Fads hatched, and, sooner or later, the country 
 schoolmaster and mistress — don't they just know it ? 
 (Laughter and applause.) The inevitable outcome of our 
 British Constitution is a frequent change of heads, and, 
 however noble and zealous their intentions may be, it is 
 very hard for the wagtail to be constantly fathering or 
 mothering new ideas of such gigantic proportions. The 
 sword of Damocles, in the shape of new resolutions — and 
 
APPENDIX V 271 
 
 oh ! such original ideas — is for ever suspended over the 
 national school teacher's head. (Laughter and applause.) 
 When Toynbee Hall poured its contents into Whitehall, 
 it was like the effect of the fall of Constantinople on mediaeval 
 Europe, or shall we not rather, compare it to Bedlam let loose. 
 
 "'Is it a new regulation ? ' I was asked by a distracted 
 mistress a little while back, ' that all middle aged teachers 
 have to retire now ? ' (Laughter.) 
 
 " ' Are the girls to have miniature rifles ? ' 
 
 " ' The girls must garden ! ' 
 
 " The cottage woman, who is already wife, mother, nurse, 
 housemaid, cook, laundress, all in one — and who fills many 
 other roles as well with five children under eight — is to be 
 a gardener, too ! 
 
 " My friends I am officially deceased. (Laughter.) My 
 late colleague, Mr Myers, of psychical research fame, left a 
 sealed packet at the Cambridge post-office, which he promised 
 to return and open — after decease. He did not come back — 
 but I do ! (Laughter.) I dreamed a dream. I was amongst 
 a crowd of fellow-departed fads — for I am at last what I 
 have so often been called, a ' spectre.' (Laughter.) They 
 were all there : Military Drill, moustached and melancholy, 
 like the walrus of tearful fame in ' Alice's Adventures,' 
 reminded me — curiously enough, of that splendid guardsman 
 who once brought a team to this competition, and who, 
 having suffered defeat, went his way, muttering, ' Beaten by 
 a bloomin' schoolmaster.' (Laughter.) Sloyd (who seemed 
 to recall Alice's carpenter) and a host of others of ' the dear 
 departed ' were there. Menageries, museums, merit grant, 
 school walks, libraries, the schedule idol, school boards — 
 all seemed in my dream-bewitched brain to be revolving to 
 the rhythmical cadence of ' Will you, won't you ? ' ' Will 
 you, won't you ? ' ' Will you join the dance ? ' — and I had 
 to ! (Laughter.) 
 
 " I told them all the latest news — about the new well-pump 
 boys, and the new boy bee-keepers, and the school mis- 
 sionary, etc., and as they listened they wept again wondering 
 how soon these poor tender dears, too, would have to join 
 the dance.^ 
 
 ^ Note (later). — All but the bee-keepers have joined. Those who have 
 kept bees know that for ordinary boys bee-keeping is about as sensible an 
 idea as taking small farms — Bee-keepers will shortly join the dance. 
 
272 APPENDIX V 
 
 " My friends, I know how courageously you contend against 
 manifold difficulties, how anxious you are to do your duty 
 by the children, whose futures have been placed in your care ; 
 but for your own sakes, as well as theirs, do not do too much 
 for the bairns. God gives every bird its food, but He does 
 not throw it into the nest : and to teach children the art of 
 self-help is a very needful part of their education. (Applause.) 
 Pedagogue is the Greek for one who leads a child, but that 
 word has fallen as far from its original meaning as Lucifer 
 from Heaven. Talbot, when Bishop of Rochester, talking 
 of what he called the Doctrinaire or Pedant — the ' un- 
 teachable variety of the teacher type ' — said that contact 
 with the lives of men was a good corrective, but there was a 
 better, namely, contact with the lives of the children about 
 them. Children took the teachers out of themselves. 
 
 *' By the paths of insight, sympathy and love — a little child 
 shall lead them. And so it is a mutual guidance. The 
 teachers of East Suffolk, I am proud to say, are pedagogues 
 in the best sense of the term — a consummation to which the 
 scheme has not a little contributed. In all the shifting 
 sands of changeful opinion one thing is certain : thorough- 
 ness is the prime requisite for a good education. I know a 
 lady whose creams are made of milk, and who lays the 
 butter on thick everywhere — but on the bread. (Laughter.) 
 We lay the butter on thick over prefatory memoranda, 
 suggestions, and platforms, but on the bread itself — the 
 staff of mental life, the beginning of wisdom — we have such 
 interminable curricula to cover in so short a time that it 
 has perforce to be a superficial smattering. To start with, 
 we do our best to sever the beginning of wisdom from its 
 immemorial and indissoluble partner, the fear of the Lord — 
 a fear more than ever proved in practice to be the only safe 
 guarantee of a good understanding. (Applause.) In ante- 
 Council days, some of you will remember how the lamenta- 
 tion ran, ' Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.' Now 
 however, I sometimes fear we have got beyond that, for 
 knowledge does not come, and wisdom lingers still. And 
 all the while, my Budget-bitten brothers, the education-rate, 
 to quote the delicious words of one of their own aldermen, is 
 ' creeping up — by leaps and bounds.' (Laughter.) It is 
 also certain that the kindly sympathy and encouragement 
 of local managers finds a poor substitute in a committee 
 
APPENDIX V 278 
 
 sitting at a distant town ; nor can the interest of these local 
 managers be sustained if they are reduced to nonentities. 
 But we must be grateful for the self-denial of so many of the 
 chief people in the county on the Education Authority. Some 
 officials may sometimes possibly be somewhat ' townifield,' 
 but after all they are not like Punch's London lady, who, 
 in response to the farmer's polite observation, * Tidy lot 
 of hay, miss,' replies, ' It is tidy, isn't it ? and I suppose 
 you're going to thresh it now.' (Loud laughter.) Further- 
 more, if some of the local magnates are not as enthusiastic 
 as they might be over mental training for its own sake, 
 things are evidently worse in other counties. * Mr Punch ' 
 again tells us of the H.M.I, who inquired of a boy he was 
 examining, ' Who wrote Hamlet ? ' His question was 
 met by tears, and the anxious repudiation, ' Please, sir, 
 I didn't.' That evening after dinner the story was retailed 
 for the benefit of the local squire, who laughingly replied, 
 ' You may depend the young rascal did write it.' (Laughter 
 and applause.) 
 
 " Dr Crowfoot, alderman of the East Suffolk County Council 
 educational committee, proposed a vote of thanks to Mr and 
 Mrs Lomax, the latter of whom was to present the shields. 
 He had had a long acquaintance with Mr Swinburne, and 
 he was a member of the Beccles School Board before Mr 
 Swinburne came to the county. He had a pleasant and 
 agreeable recollection of all Mr Swinburne had done, and 
 of the help and assistance he had been to them. He con- 
 ferred benefits upon them that were felt down to the present 
 day. (Applause.) That gathering was a proof of the regard 
 in which he was held. It would be a disgrace if they allowed 
 the Prize Scheme to go down. He hoped Mr Swinburne 
 would take into his retirement the kindly feelings that were 
 felt for him by all. (Applause.) " — (Extract from East 
 Anglian Daily Times.) 
 
 I end this book with one more retrospect and one more 
 regret. Two of my forefathers fell at Evesham ; and two 
 more (Edward and Gilbert) at Bosworth. The latter 'was 
 slene at Bosworth fyld berynge Kyng Eycharde's standart,' 
 when that fierce rush at Henry VII. cost Brandon his life, 
 though it brought the strawberry leaves to his son who was 
 reared in Henry VII. 's nursery ; where he began by losing 
 
274 APPENDIX V 
 
 his heart to the Princess Mary, and ended by being almost 
 the only distinguished personage who did not lose his head 
 to his royal brother-in-law. If not on Butley's glorious 
 ruin, the cinquefoils which the families of Hamilton and 
 Swinburne derived from the UmfreviUes, may still be seen 
 over the porch at Easton Park, Suffolk. Furthermore (to 
 select one from many instances) the family motto "Semel 
 et semper " was also lived up to by William Swinburne 
 who for the Stuarts died '' a landless man " — his grandson 
 receiving the baronetcy from Whitehall. It was something 
 to have preserved that unbroken line for all those centuries ; 
 and though they had to change their Crown (after twofof 
 them who had been out with their cousin, Lord Derwent- 
 water (1715) stirred England — in spite of England's prejudice — 
 if not Europe, to tears of pity, by their fidelity and awful fate 
 in Newgate Gaol) the head of the family did not change his 
 Creed tHl late in the eighteenth century ; and if I may say it 
 without being mistaken for the sordid wretch who only 
 works for a reward ; and if I may be allowed to possess 
 (in common with those who work for me) a natural desire, 
 however sentimental, for a fitting completion of a life-long 
 service that might so easily have been granted — ' Parvo 
 componere magnos — I was foolish enough to hope that 
 Whitehall would have rewarded my work which produced 
 efficiency in the county and a scheme unique in England (if 
 not in the world) with something better than an abrupt and 
 point-blank refusal to extend my term of office for a year, 
 though I was vigorous and of a ripened experience ; though 
 12,0(X) of the best names in East Suffolk endorsed my petition, 
 and though the popularity which they urged as an inducement 
 was won as everybody in East Suffolk knows by smiting as 
 much as by smiles. Nevertheless — '^ Semel et Semper ! " 
 
 Post scriptum. — Hurrah! Lord Stradbroke has once more stepped 
 into the breach — mainly on the ground of the "keenness produced 
 among the children, a quality not too common in these days " — and 
 the Scheme is saved. All honour to the teachers; and to Lady 
 Quilter, Mr Hudson, Sir Thos. Gosch, the Hon. W. Lowther, and 
 others, who proved fideles k mort. It will not be run by the County 
 Council; and the schemer of schemes, like the Dreamer of Dreams, 
 hauled out of the darkness of his pit, will bask once more in the 
 sunshine — of children's smiles. 
 
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