* - BAKER 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 i- 

 
 . 0. BAKER 
 LAWYER

 
 OF 
 
 OR THK 
 
 j4 
 
 AND TIIS T RIENDS. 
 
 BY 
 JOHN B. CAREY, 
 
 With a Preface by TIMOTHY BIGELOW, Esq. 
 
 V ^ J H 
 S \ J s 'i * ~ '" 
 
 cX-C X 
 
 \o y 
 
 BEING QUAINT AND CURIOUS NARRATIVES TOLD BY 
 
 THE WORSHIPPERS AT THE SHRINE OF TRUTH 
 
 WITH A CAPITAL "T," 
 
 In shorthand skilled, where little marki comprise 
 Whole wo.ds, a sentence in a. letter lies, 
 
 CRBB;H. 
 
 EXCEIiSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 Now York, 
 AMEBICAN NEWS COMPANY. Ageutg.
 
 COPYRIGHT 1891, 
 
 BY 
 J. B. CAREY.
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 TL) her who bade me look up when I was cast 
 down ; who clothed and fed me when I was 
 naked and hungry ; who aided and soothed me 
 when I was helpless and sorrowful ; who stood 
 by me steadily and loved me always to my 
 dead but unforgotten Mother, this humble book 
 is affectionately dedicated by the author, 
 June, 1891.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 The Worshipers and jthe Shrine 13 
 
 The Coroner's Notes 20 
 
 The Fanlight Notes. _. 35 
 
 The Dead Man's Notes The Engineer's Story 74 
 
 The Burglar's Notes The Lawyer's Story , 109 
 
 The Prisoner's Notes 170 
 
 The Tramp Stenographer 196 
 
 The Stranger's Strange Narrative.... &ii
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 "TO my admiration of the contents of this vol- 
 * ume, expressed when I had the pleasure of 
 looking over the typoscript, the reader is perhaps 
 indebted for the poor privilege of reading this 
 introduction. The many favorable opinions ex 
 pressed as to the merits of this work have 
 doubtless encouraged the author to the point of 
 publication, and have certainly encouraged me 
 to write the preface. 
 
 Although the author could say what should be 
 said much better than I, yet I cheerfully comply 
 jrj with his request so as to spare his modesty the 
 ** bestowal of such praise as the work deserves. 
 
 cc One of the reasons for the a&ertion that he 
 
 ^ 
 
 g= who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client, is 
 3 that an advocate can, without censure, make 
 claims for a client which it would be inappro- 
 tj priate, if not immodest, for the client to make 
 tj for himself, no matter how well founded. It 
 z may be that some such logic as this actuated the 
 writer of this volume in his desire to have a pre 
 face written by a friendly hand. 
 
 3 The only hesitation I feel in undertaking this 
 g task arises from a doubt of my ability to set 
 forth truly the literary merits of the work. I 
 trust, however, that the reader will not stop with 
 this introduction, disappointing as it may be, 
 but persevere to the end, so that he may reap 
 the harvest of profit and pleasure which its pages 
 offer. 
 
 448358
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 A few words as to the scope and objects of the 
 book. 
 
 Whether so intended or not, it will serve to 
 extinguish the slander that " the stenographer, 
 from constantly writing the thoughts of others, 
 becomes in time a mere mechanical instrument, 
 incapable of thinking for himself, requiring the 
 spoken thoughts of thinking men to put him in 
 motion, and that therefore, the more he knows 
 of stenography, the less he knows of anything 
 else." 
 
 It is not a book on stenography by an advo 
 cate of any particular system of swift writing, 
 but one which the adept in the art, the amateur, 
 and the non-phonographic reader can peruse, 
 enjoy, and one in which they mayhap find 
 touches here and there that remind them of Poe, 
 or Twain, or Dickens. 
 
 One of the Objects of the work is to illustrate 
 the liability to error. The rapid spread of geo 
 metrical sound-writing, otherwise, and not so 
 well called, phonography, in the domain of busi 
 ness life within the past decade, has been at 
 tended with many incidents grotesque, painful, 
 and perhaps surprising. This might have been 
 anticipated, because employers, as well as em 
 ployees had to learn how to use a new thing, 
 and the former had, in many cases to accept in 
 experienced help freshly " turned out " of the 
 schools. 
 
 Odd errors of transcription have from time to 
 time furnished occasion for mirth or for anger. 
 Long before the day of phonography the prov 
 erb " It is human to err " had met with accept 
 ance. It is therefore obvious that inaccuracies
 
 PREFACE. VII 
 
 are not peculiar to short-hand. Telegraphy 
 we know has had its share, and ordinary long 
 hand script has at times provoked profanity or 
 led to disaster. Of a truth, though, phonogra 
 phy is the more dangerous, because the omissions 
 necessary to brevity reduce words to the merest 
 skeletons or outlines, as they are called, and 
 hence lessen distinctions. We all know that 
 the bony structures of our bodies called skele 
 tons are more like to each other than we are 
 to ourselves in life when the osseous fragments 
 are clothed in the flesh. The same bony frame 
 work indeed, might serve for the foundation or 
 scaffolding of entirely different kinds of men, 
 for a Talmage, an Ingersoll, a Gladstone or a 
 Claude Duval. 
 
 So it is with shorthand. When we find that 
 the skeletons of minister and of monster, of phil 
 osopher and falsifier, of lawyer and of liar are 
 alike, we begin to feel that we require means of 
 distinction and they are accordingly provided, 
 but alas ! not always observed. 
 
 In devising a system of abbreviated writing, 
 the starting point is the point of the pen or in 
 strument to be employed. As a line is generated 
 by the movement of a point, so all shorthand is 
 generated by the gyrations of the instrument 
 and consist of the lines traced by it. Obviously, 
 if every difference between forms so traceable is 
 made significant, the resulting signs will possess 
 their highest representing power ; ergo, fewer of 
 them will do a given work; less time will be re 
 quired to make them, and hence speed will be 
 increased. 
 
 This principle has been carried to an extreme
 
 VIII PREFACE. 
 
 in some of the systems of phonography. Thus 
 the size of the character which in ordinary 
 script is immaterial, is made much of in short 
 hand. In longhand the form is all significant 
 although form too is quite essential in phonog 
 raphy. The aim has been for the sake of 
 speed to have forms as simple as possible, ac 
 cordingly each letter consists of a single dot or 
 stroke. Dots are made significant by position, 
 and are assigned to vowel representation. 
 
 The consonants with which the art mainly 
 deals are represented by strokes, straight or 
 curved, and differentiated by direction. Each of 
 the three sizes and several forms made in various 
 directions, perpendicular, sloping to the left, the 
 right, and horizontal, give only twelve charac 
 ters ; yet, by making a distinction of thickness, 
 their availability is increased, and there are just 
 about enough of them to represent the conso 
 nants. Not alone are size, form, direction, and 
 thickness made significant, but also the position 
 of the characters with reference to each other 
 and the line of writing. All these matters re 
 quire consideration by the writer, and a failure 
 in any of them may lead to doubt. The doubt 
 may be resolved by the context, by the knowl 
 edge of the writer as to his own peculiarities and 
 inaccuracies when writing rapidly, or by a con-- 
 centrated study of the doubtful character. As 
 flourishes are not permissible, each sign means 
 something ; there is some word in the language 
 which, being suggested, may be seen at once to 
 be that for which the character was intended, 
 and often beyond the possibility of error. But 
 until the illuminating suggestion comes well may 
 he exclaim :
 
 PREFACE IX 
 
 " But that large grief which these enfold 
 Is given in outline, and no more." 
 
 Even with the aid of the context, Knowledge 
 of the subject and his own peculiarities, the 
 writer of notes is often puzzled by a symbol 
 which another may decipher at sight. The one 
 has the key to the lock in his mental grasp, the 
 other has not. 
 
 Having indicated the possibilities of error in 
 phonography, it may be imagined that there 
 lurks in it a vast potency for mischief. Written 
 with a pencil these possibilities are increased, 
 and are still more augmented by haste and care 
 lessness. 
 
 Now whatever may happen is to be taken into 
 account, as well as what has happened. That the 
 author had such a thought in mind in the writ 
 ing of some of these sketches I have reason to 
 believe ; nor am I loath to say that he has worked 
 out the idea, aod presented the possible in a 
 peculiarly quaint and interesting way, wherein 
 humor and pathos are fairly blended. 
 
 The story wh>ch appeared some years ago in 
 a newspaper about the escape of the savage ani 
 mals at Central Park and their dreadful destruc 
 tion of human life ; the account of the dashing 
 of a ferry-boat into the slip at full speed, and 
 its consequent destruction and the maiming of 
 many persons, because of the sudden illness of 
 the pilot, were better than true, for they led to 
 such precautions as may prevent their ever hap 
 pening. 
 
 Indeed, there is a kind of truth which is in no 
 case a statement of fact ; and, it may be doubted 
 whether there ever was a statement which em-
 
 X PREFACE, 
 
 bodied the whole truth and nothing but the 
 truth. 
 
 When Hamlet says " As easy as lying," it 
 might seem to mean that it is difficult to tell the 
 truth ; and so it is, if it means a statement in 
 exact conformity to facts. If it means to relate 
 our impressions from observation it is not diffi 
 cult. 
 
 But as there are sounds which we cannot hear, 
 and rays of light not perceptible to our eyes, so 
 there is a truth not of seeing or hearing, but of 
 experience, organization and reflection a truth 
 which depends upon the mental as well as the 
 physical conditions of perception. The meta 
 phorical rose-colored spectacles may not be 
 placed before the physical eye, but serve as a 
 screen behind " i.he windows of the soul," incor 
 porated into the substance of the sentient nerve 
 itself, or made part of its mode of action ; so 
 that even the truth of simple vision is not 
 demonstrably the same to any two of us. 
 " There is, moreover, a truth of fiction more 
 veracious than the truth of fact, as that of the 
 poet which represents to us things and events 
 rather than servilely copies them as they are 
 imperfectly imaged in the crooked and smoky 
 glass of our mundane affairs." 
 
 These considerations may serve to give at- 
 idea of the kind of truth the votaries spoken of 
 in this volume worshiped the imaging of that 
 which might have happened with " Short hand 
 as she is wrote," not classically or with the abso 
 lute correctness always desirable and seldom 
 attained, but with the dash and hurry required 
 by the exigencies of business ; and the reader is
 
 PREFACE. XI 
 
 cordially recommended to close his hypercriti 
 cal eyes and open his mental capacities to the 
 full and unquestioning acceptance thereof, 
 
 TIMOTHY BIGELOW, 
 City Court of Brooklyn., 
 June, 1891
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHO3.V HAND. 13 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE WORSHIPERS AND THE SHRINE. 
 
 M R NORTHCOATE was slowly making 
 * * his way to the flat, that is, the apart 
 ment house, on the fourth floor of which he 
 resided. The other tenants of the building, 
 the Coroner, Engineer Whitcomb, Mr. Grace, 
 a Real Estate Dealer, and a Lawyer in the ad 
 joining flat, were accustomed to meet Mr. 
 Northcoate in one of the suite of rooms occupied 
 by the owner of the premises. 
 
 To this trysting place Mr. Northcoate was go 
 ing. One evening each week was devoted by 
 the gentlemen mentioned to reminiscences, 
 smoking tobacco and swapping exaggerations in 
 the host's cozy lounging room. These six gentle 
 men were simply members of an unorganized 
 social club, a club without dues, constitution, 
 by-laws, officers, or name, the members of which 
 were known to each other as worshipers at the 
 shrine of truth, with a very large T. 
 
 Northcoate was a court reporter, and, like all 
 of his class, a gentleman of extreme leisure ; his 
 whole effort in life had been to kill time. Hurry 
 was a thing he was quite incapable of. His 
 walk was the slow, stately, dignified tread pecu 
 liar to sick turtles and fat policemen. Haste 
 was a thing utterly unknown to him. His daily 
 business, if he did anything, was simply to go 
 into court, sometimes even in the morning, sit 
 quietly at a desk and make little marks. The
 
 14 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 lawyers, judges and witnesses did all the hard 
 work of talking, and it did not require a very 
 strong man to perform Northcoate's labor per 
 haps we should say recreation. 
 
 He sauntered slowly up the steps of the house, 
 rang the bell, and, when the door was opened, 
 entered what the Real Estate Man called the 
 " Snuggery." 
 
 He found there the other gentlemen chatting, 
 as they sat in various attitudes and altitudes. 
 
 The Engineer had his slippered feet upon the 
 marble mantelpiece over the grate fire. The 
 Coroner was lolling back in a rocking chair, 
 watching the blue smoke as it curled up from a 
 rather aged looking brierwood ; the Host and 
 the Real Estate Dealer sat in armchairs, each 
 with a leg thrown over the arm. The Lawyer 
 straddled another chair, with the back of it in 
 front of him, on which he rested his folded arms. 
 
 The Engineer was a typical Yankee, with the 
 chinwhisker, toothpick and drawl. He could 
 expectorate with marvelous accuracy. He was 
 " off" service in the Selineville & Mudchunk R. 
 R. Co. on account of sickness, and having been 
 "subbed" for a few days, was resting himself in 
 his favorite position in his friend's apartment. 
 
 Occupying the second flat the engineer was at 
 home wherever he went, and he was now quietly 
 waiting for the seance or flow of soul that had 
 been provided for this evening. 
 
 The Coroner, short, round, with considerable 
 aplomb, and grey eyes that sparkled behind 
 his gold rimmed glasses, was quite the reverse 
 of the railroad man. An indifferent listener, he 
 was the conscious possessor of a mine of narra-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 15 
 
 tives from his own personal experience that was 
 seemingly inexhaustible. He always began " I 
 remember once," and then you were in for it. 
 The Coroner was an Irishman, educated, witty, 
 polished and inclined to be cynical. His horror 
 of what he called " rum " and the rum traffic 
 was only equalled by his intense affection for 
 the weed. He had been thrice elected coroner, 
 and his professional duties brought him in 
 close proximity to the lower strata of society, 
 " in the slums and alleys of a great sinful city." 
 
 The pictures he drew of gaunt poverty, willful 
 murder, unexplained suicide, the ghastly morgue, 
 the police court and the hospital, were startling, 
 vivid and gruesome. 
 
 A word as to the others. The Host was a 
 gentleman of leisure who having accumulated a 
 fair share of this world's goods was content to 
 stop at the age of two score and ten and take 
 life easy. Hard-headed and matter of fact ; 
 with him seeing was believing often, though not 
 always. It was occasionally necessary in order 
 to convince him to put the proposition under 
 discussion in such shape as to appeal to all his 
 senses. He was ironical, sarcastic to the high 
 est degree, and withal thoroughly enjoyed these 
 gatherings of his friends on Friday evenings. 
 
 In marked contrast was the Real Estate Man, 
 Somewhat taciturn, this .gentleman's forte was 
 listening. He claimed to be of mediocre men 
 tal ability and limited education, and accepted 
 or pretended to believe everything he heard, 
 though he had been known to say in a moment 
 of great confidence that his motive for acquies 
 cence was that agreement was easier than argu-
 
 l6 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 irent. " No man," he said, " is ever convinced 
 in a dispute, his friendship is often lost thereby. 
 Concurrence is cheaper than Controversy, and 
 if I don't agree, I pretend to." 
 
 He had, moreover, a very pleasant way of 
 listening with great interest to learned discus 
 sions on sublimated subjects which he did not 
 understand, and the happy faculty of throwing 
 in a suitable monosyllable such as " Indeed," 
 "Certainly," " Oh, yes," "Surely," that pleased 
 the talkers who always gave him credit for the 
 possession of considerable knowledge concerning 
 things of which, he admitted, he had avast fund 
 of ignorance. 
 
 While not of the boastfully disparaging kind, 
 this gentleman's self-admitted dullness was in 
 reality a mere cloak under which was hidden a 
 deal of what is called "horse sense," and more 
 than an ordinary share of book knowledge. 
 
 The Stenographer was a man of but superfi 
 cial knowledge for one of his calling. Men of 
 his profession, he asserted, never knew enough, 
 for when a Stenographer has thoroughly mas 
 tered surgery so as to be prepared for a mal 
 practice case, it is his fate perhaps to be called, 
 professionally, into a patent suit involving me 
 chanical niceties in the construction of a steam 
 engine ; or, having read up on mechanical con 
 trivances from the Barker Mill to automatic 
 switches, he is employed mostly in cases involv 
 ing profound questions of ecclesiastical juris 
 prudence or canon law. Coming into contact 
 with so many subjects of which he has little or 
 no knowledge, he rarely profits by the Emerso 
 nian advice to not allow things you do not knov.-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. If 
 
 to hamper your knowledge of the things you do 
 know. 
 
 No man in the profession ever knows enough 
 (except of course the amateur), and there was 
 never but one who was thoroughly up in every 
 science and every art. He mastered it all from 
 the study of theology, astronomy and the occult 
 sciences downwards, and was fully and perfectly 
 equipped to grapple with anything that came to 
 him professionally. 
 
 "And did " replied the deeply interested Host, 
 to whom the other made these remarks. " No," 
 said the Stenographer softly, " he died." 
 
 " Of super-braincranium," suggested the 
 coroner with a twinkle in his little grey eyes. 
 
 " I believe so," answered the other ; " it was 
 a most deplorable case. The person I refer to 
 had climbed the dizziest heights of Parnassus, 
 traversed every foot of the field of knowledge, 
 fitted himself by long years of constant and pro 
 found study to comprehend thoroughly every 
 thing that might come in his way ; thus steeped 
 in erudition and crammed with knowledge, he 
 was called upon to report a case of assault and 
 battery, and singularly enough found that he 
 had forgotten how to write shorthand ! The 
 mortification of this discovery killed him." 
 
 While the sensation which this awful recital 
 evoked is subsiding, let us glance at the latest 
 but by no means the least important member of 
 the company. 
 
 Differing from the others, the Lawyer was an 
 all-around literary athlete, thoroughly up in 
 many things, and while a ripe scholar he was 
 still an industrious student After many years
 
 l8 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 spent in gathering information he had reached 
 what is called by some the pinnacle of know 
 ledge an appreciation of one's ignorance. He 
 required but collision with the intellect of 
 others to bring out his latent powers, and then 
 you had him at his best. 
 
 The Counsellor had two points of weakness 
 or of strength as you may view it. One was 
 an intense passion for old and much worn books, 
 a passion which despite his constant and persist- 
 ant assiduity to gratify, was never sated. An 
 other of the learned gentleman's peculiarities 
 was an inordinate liking for that humble off 
 spring of the Southern negro's necessities which 
 has been duly adopted and endorsed by a great 
 President of the United States of America the 
 corncob pipe. 
 
 After the entrance of Mr. Northcoate the meet 
 ing opened. The conversation of those in the 
 room shifted but never lagged. At an easy 
 bound it went from China to Electricity and 
 then to Pallindromes. 
 
 " Taylor's " the Host was remarking, " I be 
 lieve has never been equalled, ' Evil did I 
 dwell ' ; reversed it reads, ' Lewd did I live.' 
 Of course that's fair, but what Adam said to 
 Eve has the brevity of wit, and is exactly the 
 same both ways, 'Madam, I'm Adam.'" 
 
 The Lawyer ventured, " Well, I always thought 
 the one ascribed to Napoleon was the best of all. 
 It is related that toward the end of his life he 
 was asked if at any time he could have invaded 
 England, to which he replied : ' Able was I ere 
 I saw Elba.' How's that ? " 
 
 " Pshaw," said the Coroner, contemptuously,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 19 
 
 "that's too venerable," at which the Real Estate 
 Man ejaculated, " Of course." 
 
 Then Northcoate spoke of a professional asso 
 ciate, who being ill, was visited by a learned 
 physician. After the usual preliminaries made 
 and provided, that is, feeliirr the patient's 
 pulse, taking the temperature, noting in 
 his diary a $3 charge for the visit, etc., the doc 
 tor said " Are you sick ? " The poor reporter 
 stretched out his hand, he was suffering from, in 
 cipient tetanus (commonly called lock-jaw) and 
 seizing his pencil from the table wrote : 
 
 (sic sum). 
 
 " Well," snapped the little Coroner, " what of 
 that ? " 
 
 " The point of it is," said the other quietl} r , 
 " did the sick man mean it to be in Latin or in 
 English?" 
 
 " Gracious" interposed the Coroner, " how 
 dreadfully silly ; but, talking about notes, I re 
 member once " 
 
 The others sat back in listening attitudes.
 
 20 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 THE CORONER'S NOTES. 
 
 * T REMEMBER once," the Coroner went on, 
 * "a. most singular thing of which that 
 reminds me, concerning notes taken by a young 
 man who acted as my clerk some thirteen years 
 ago. As I said, he was young. Very. It was 
 during my first term of office at one of the first 
 criminal cases I had to do with officially, and at 
 the time, I am free to confess, I was rather young 
 myself. 
 
 Word came from Police headquarters that a 
 farm hand on Benton's homestead had been dis 
 covered mortally wounded in a small piece of 
 woods not far from the farm. 
 
 It was necessary that I should proceed at once 
 to the scene and take the ante-mortem statement 
 of the dying man. That was my official duty, 
 and my clerk and myself started at once for the 
 scene of the assault. Arriving there, we found 
 the injured party, one John Simonetti, an Italian 
 farm laborer, dreadfully wounded about the head 
 and unconscious. He was in a state of coma till 
 shortly after our arrival. While the village 
 physician was laboring to restore him to con 
 sciousness, I endeavored, as in. duty bound, to 
 get what information I could concerning the oc 
 currence. It was meagre enough. No one had 
 really witnessed it. As usual in such cases, there
 
 THF. ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 21 
 
 was supposed to be a woman in it, a housemaid 
 on a neighboring farm. A fellow named Peter 
 Mari, a countryman and cousin of the injured 
 man, was suspected of having committed the 
 assault in a fit of jealous rage. He was a tall, 
 raw-boned, sinister-looking fellow, and I was 
 against him from the first, and believed him 
 guilty, although I hadn't a particle of proof. 
 He claimed to be entirely ignorant of the whole 
 affair, and was seemingly, at least, solicitous as 
 to the injured man's condition, attentive about 
 the bedside, and endeavored to aid the village 
 doctor as best he could. 
 
 All the information I obtained amounted to 
 nil. It was mostly made up of village gossip 
 ' hearing Mrs. So-and-so say that she heard So- 
 and-so tell So-and-so that she heard,' etc. ; and 
 ' I think,' and ' says I to myself, says I,' etc., 
 etc. 
 
 The simple fact was that the man was hurt, 
 and, as we thought at the time, mortally, and if 
 he could throw no light on it, no one else could. 
 Of course, the only proper thing to be done 
 under the circumstances was to take the ante- 
 mortem statement ; and when the injured man 
 exhibited the least sign of intelligence, we pro 
 ceeded to do this. The task was rendered 
 difficult because of the poor knowledge the 
 patient had of the English language, and hence 
 he could not think of the proper expression to 
 convey his meaning, and, while seemingly con 
 scious, he was scarcely able to articulate. When 
 he spoke at all, it was in a mere guttural 
 whisper. Consequently I directed my clerk tc 
 place his ear close to the patient's lips, in ordei
 
 22 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 to hear even the few tones he could utter. To 
 do this he had to bend over the bed in an un 
 comfortable and undignified manner that I 
 thought quite beneath me. I had another 
 reason for this : I had a few questions to which 
 I wished answers, and I desired, while putting 
 them, to keep a sharp eye on Mari, in order to 
 discover, if possible, any indication of guilt on 
 his strongly marked features. I thought it well 
 to write the questions, and taking out my pre 
 scription book (an ordinary paper pad about 
 three inches by four) I wrote the interrogatories 
 each on a separate slip or sheet of the pad 
 which I stood up and read slowly and distinctly, 
 to the injured man, all the while watching Mari, 
 as I told you, in the endeavor to discover the 
 appearance of the guilt which I firmly believed 
 existed. Then I gave the pad to the clerk to 
 take the answers on, it being more convenient 
 for him to use in his awkard position, and he 
 recorded all the answers on the outside, or upper 
 sheet. Of course, I should not have delegated 
 the duty of recording the all-important words of 
 the dying man to my subordinate. My only 
 excuse for this is that it was one of my first 
 cases, my ears were not as good as my clerk's 
 certainly not as large and, as I say, I did not 
 care to assume the uncomfortable attitude that 
 he was obliged to take in order to hear the 
 wounded man's monosyllables. I watched Mari, 
 hoping to get evidence sufficient to hold him, as, 
 having, as I say, taken a dislike to him from the 
 first, I wished if possible to bring him to justice. 
 I made the mistake of many young persons who 
 have to do professionally with criminal cases,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HANt>. 2j 
 
 that is to say, I went into it with a prejudice. 
 My great error was in trusting my clerk. 
 
 As I told you, I stood up and read each ques 
 tion, trying to catch the dying man's response; 
 In this I failed, but as my clerk seemed to be 
 writing something on the upper sheet of the pad 
 which I gave him, while he bent over the wounded 
 man, I was satisfied that nothing was lost. I 
 even congratulated myself on his valuable as 
 sistance ; he was taking notes, as I had instructed 
 him not to lose a syllable uttered by Simonetti. 
 Before the written questions were put, I should 
 have stated that I prefaced them by informing 
 Simonetti that in all probability he would not 
 live ; but it was the lot of all men to die ; he 
 would die to-day, we would die to-morrow, and 
 that it would be well, having made his peace 
 with God, to state what he knew of the occur 
 rence, fully and frankly. We have a certain 
 form for use on such occasions, which I went 
 through with, and I honestly endeavored to 
 make the approach of death to the dying man as 
 easy as possible. Whether it was that he 
 understood me, or whether it was that his 
 intense suffering made him wish for the end, I 
 will not pretend to say ; but I think he welcomed 
 it, if I could judge by an indescribable lighting 
 up or look of intelligence on his ghastly coun 
 tenance. During the reading I kept one eye on 
 the man I suspected. I repeat this because I 
 have thought since that I did not give as much 
 attention as I should have given to the most im 
 portant part of the ante-mortem, to wit : the 
 words of the dying man. The patient was un 
 able to answer fully, despite repeated efforts
 
 24 THE ODDITIES OF* SHORT HAND. 
 
 made by both my clerk and myself, and we 
 were obliged to be content with the little we ob 
 tained. The clerk then handed me the pad, on 
 the upper sheet of which he had taken the 
 answers to the questions in his short hand notes 
 (God bless the mark), and as an ante-mortem 
 statement I endorsed it on either the left or 
 right margin, I don't know which, but I think 
 the right, as follows : ' Ant. M. of Simonetti, t'kn 
 by C., ex rel. Mari, Jan. 29, '77,' placed it on top 
 of the slips I had read from, numbered the ques 
 tions, and putting a light rubber band about 
 the sheets, inclosed them in an envelope with 
 the proper indorsement, and laid it aside to await 
 results. 
 
 As I afterwards discovered, I had numbered 
 the slips of the pad containing the questions on 
 one corner before reading, and it may be also 
 that I did an unusual thing for a man who 
 writes an odd screed for the newspapers it may 
 be, I say, that owing to my nervousness or 
 anxiety, instead of laying the first sheet face 
 down on the table, and the others in the same 
 order on top of it, it is possible that I placed 
 it in the reverse order, face up, and the other 
 above it in the same order, so that when I took 
 them up the numerical order of the interroga 
 tories was reversed, and when I put the sheet 
 containing the clerk's notes on top of mine, I 
 raised one corner, and, not remembering that I 
 had already paged the slips containing my ques 
 tions, I renumbered them on an opposite corner. 
 This I found out afterwards the handwriting, 
 of course, was mine, and the paging of each 
 slip was mine.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 25 
 
 When we had finished our official business, I 
 bade the dying man cheer up, for although I 
 had but little hope of his recovery, the village 
 physician seemed to think that he had a fighting 
 chance for his life ; and, under the circumstances, 
 we departed without taking any further steps in 
 the matter." 
 
 The coroner paused here while he re-lit his 
 pipe. After a thoughtful whiff or two, he re 
 sumed : 
 
 " Well, do you know, that man didn't die after 
 all, but he became insane by reason of some 
 obscure injury to the brain, and was placed 
 among the incurables at the Steadville Asylum, 
 where he still remains. That ended that chapter. 
 Sometime afterwards the Grand Jury of the 
 County, without anything but mere suspicion, 
 but, as I always thought, on generally sound 
 principles, indicted Mari for felonious assault, 
 with intent to kill. My clerk and myself were 
 subpoenaed to attend the trial at the Court of 
 Sessions, having been served with a subpoena 
 ' Duce Taketn,' which means, in plain English, 
 ' bring all the papers relating to the subject 
 under the investigation that you can lay your 
 hands on.' That, I may say, is a free hand 
 translation. After we had been subpoenaed, my 
 clerk asked for the proceedings, and I handed 
 him the envelope endorsed, 'Ant. M. Simonetti,' 
 etc. 
 
 Shortly afterwards he came to me with a very 
 odd look on his face. ' Coroner,' he says, ' you 
 numbered these questions in one corner.' I 
 said, ' of course. Isn't that proper ?' ' But,' he 
 went on, 'you also numbered them in the opposite
 
 26 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 corner and in the reverse order.' ' Oh, well/ f 
 said, 'it can't matter much.' 'Do you remem 
 ber,' he said, ' in which order you read them ?' I 
 looked at them, and I confess I could not 
 positively tell ; you see the double paging on 
 the opposite corners bothered me some, but I 
 believe I had read them in the order which I 
 will show you directly. I said, however, that it 
 was a matter of very little moment, and that 
 the answers which he had taken would unerr 
 ingly indicate the order of the questions. 
 
 The clerk sat down at the desk again, and 
 after pondering a while he approached me again, 
 saying, ' Do you remember, sir, on which edge 
 of the sheet I gave you you indorsed the state 
 ment, 'Ant. M. of Simonetti, t'kn by C.,' etc., 
 as I handed it to you whether on the right side 
 or the left side, that is to say, whether it was 
 this way ? 
 
 or this wayP'an-1 he turned the paper upside 
 down.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 27 
 
 O 
 
 'Why, of course not,' I said, in surprise. 'You 
 might as well ask me what time I got out of bed 
 any day last month. What difference can it 
 make ? It says plainly enough, ' Ante-mortem, 
 Jan. agth, '77,' and it is my writing; that ought 
 to be conclusive.' He went off with an unsatis 
 fied look upon his face. In less than a minute 
 he was back again. ' Oh,' he said, ' you didn't 
 place those sheets face down as you read them, 
 did you?' There was something in the man's 
 tone that sounded odd. I began to think he had 
 been drinking, and I looked at him, and looked 
 hard. 'Why,' I said, 'what is the matter with 
 you ? Do you suppose I can remember such 
 little things as that ? I don't know, and I don't 
 care ; you are too anxious about trifles.' 'Oh,' 
 he said, with a short, hard laugh, ' not at all, I 
 only wanted to know, you know.' 
 
 I left the office soon afterwards, and although 
 at the time I thought it strange that he should 
 ask me such foolish questions, the whole thing 
 soon passed out of my mind. It all came back 
 to me when I attended court on the following 
 day as a witness.
 
 28 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 As I already told you, Mari was placed on trial 
 for assault with intent to kill, and we attended 
 court. 
 
 The case of the people was fairly presented. 
 The servant woman testified that she knew the 
 accused, and related little instances tending to 
 show that he was of a jealous, revengeful dispo 
 sition. The injured man she had not seen for 
 two or three days before the assault, but the 
 accused had visited her that evening, leaving 
 about five o'clock. The fact that Mari was the 
 first to discover the injured man was conclusive 
 ly shown, Mari himself testifying to it ; and the 
 constable said that the time at which he was 
 notified by Mari was about nine o'clock. The 
 village physician, in describing the condition of 
 the wounds, gave it as his opinion that the in 
 jured man had been first struck by a blunt instru 
 ment in the back of the head, after which the 
 stabbing or cutting was done. A stableman, a 
 co-employe of the accused, swore that he heard 
 Mari threaten some one, he could not say whom, 
 the night preceding the assault when he was in 
 the stable. My evidence was of little account. 
 I identified the handwriting of the questions ; 
 said I had watched the accused while they were 
 being read, but that I saw no positive indication 
 of guilt in the demeanor of the prisoner at the 
 injured man's bedside. I said, also, that I had 
 not heard any words uttered by the injured man, 
 owing to his weak, almost unconscious state, and 
 referred to the fact that my clerk, in whom I had 
 the utmost confidence, had his ear close to the 
 injured party's lips, and I was confident that 
 what he had put down was what had been said
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 29 
 
 by the injured man, and all of it, but that, so far 
 as I knew, there had been no positive identifica 
 tion of the prisoner. The prisoner's counsel, 
 singularly enough, asked me just the same ques 
 tions which my clerk had put to me previously, 
 that is, as to which end of the clerk's slips I had 
 made the indorsement on ; whether I had placed 
 my questions face down or face up, and how it 
 occurred that I had paged them double and in 
 reverse order and in opposite corners. On these 
 points, of course, I could throw no light; it hav 
 ing been a matter of indifference to me it had 
 escaped my memory. The fact that the lawyer's 
 questions were substantially the same as the 
 clerk's I supposed was a mere coincidence. The 
 clerk then produced the record, being the inter 
 rogatories on the slips that I had read, and the 
 answers I had recorded, and I verily believe this 
 is the order in which I read them. As you ob 
 serve, the sheets in my handwriting are num 
 bered in the upper right-hand and in the lower 
 left-hand corners." 
 
 The Coroner here took from his pocket a large 
 red diary, and taking out several slips of paper, 
 he laid them on the table so that we could read 
 them with the appended answers that had been, 
 as he said, transcribed from his clerk's notes and 
 read on the trial : 
 
 1. " Can you give any account of the assault 
 or state what you did or said when you were at 
 tacked ? " 
 
 A. "Don't cut me. Don't kill me." 
 
 2. " Was this man one of your assailants can 
 you indentify him by his talk ? " 
 
 A. " That is one beyond any doubt. Him cut 
 throat."
 
 30 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 3. " Are you positive that this was one of 
 them ? " 
 
 A. " That is one of them Mari Cousin." 
 
 4. " Was the instrument used, a knife ? " 
 A. "Razor." 
 
 5. '* Was the motive robbery ? " 
 A. " Think it was robbery." 
 
 6. " Was he there alone, or were there more 
 than one ? " 
 
 A. " One tall. One short." 
 
 7. " Could you identify the man, or give the 
 authorities any information as to his char 
 acter?" 
 
 A. " Might get record, sir, of Sing Sing." 
 " This record, with the other proof adduced, 
 made a strong case against the accused, and the 
 people 'rested.' The prisoner's counsel then 
 opened the case for the accused, and said that 
 he would show conclusively that the injured man 
 had stated positively and unequivocally in his 
 so-called deposition that the prisoner was not 
 guilty. As to the manner in which it would be 
 shown he preferred to leave that to the develop 
 ment of the case, but it would be 'conclusive 
 and convincing to the twelve brilliant and incor 
 ruptible and intelligent gentlemen that he saw 
 before him,' etc., etc. The counsel then proved 
 several things which tended to weaken the case 
 of the people considerably. They were, first : 
 the servant-girl mentioned was ' sweet,' as a 
 witness put it, on the hostler who had testified 
 to hearing the threats of the prisoner, and her 
 feelings were decidedly the reverse towards the 
 accused ; also that the hostler was a man of bad 
 character by the records of the criminal court,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 3! 
 
 and that Mari, when he discovered the wounded 
 man, was returning from the city, which he had 
 left, according to his testimony, five miles dis 
 tant at about the time when, according to the 
 people's witnesses, the wounds were probably 
 inflicted. The lawyer then called my clerk and 
 asked him if he had repeated aloud the answers 
 of the dying man. No, he hadn't. Was he con 
 fident that the paper he read from was in the 
 exact condition in which it was, when he de 
 livered it to the coroner ? He said, it was with 
 the exception of the indorsement. He was also 
 questioned as to whether he had noticed me 
 when I made the indorsement, whether I wrote 
 it on the left-hand side of the paper as handed 
 me, or on the right-hand side ? He said he had 
 not. The slip of paper was then handed to the 
 prisoner's counsel, who took a large envelope, 
 cut a square hole in it, which, when the paper 
 was placed in it, allowed nothing to be seen 
 but the notes. After calling the attention of the 
 court to this as an exhibit in the case, he said to 
 the clerk : " I observe, sir, that there are spaces 
 or gaps interpersed among the characters which 
 represent the period at the end of the answers, 
 or indicate that the answers or questions are 
 indented or paragraphed ? ' 
 
 The witness acquiesced. 
 
 ' That is to say,' the counsel went on, ' each 
 answer or question in your notes is either ' in 
 dented ' with a space at the beginning, or the 
 space at the termination indicates the period 
 the blank means either the termination or be 
 ginning of the question or answer as the case 
 may be ? '
 
 32 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 The witness answered in the affirmative. 
 
 ' Now, sir,' said the counsel, ' I will read the 
 first question from the coroner's slip, and you 
 give me the answer as it appears on your notes, 
 with that side of the paper up.' 
 
 The lawyer here indicated to the witness the 
 end of the paper he was to read from, which, as 
 it turned out, was the opposite way from that 
 in which the clerk had held it in making his pre 
 vious transcript. He then read the question in 
 this manner, the clerk giving the appended an 
 swers :" 
 
 1. " Could you identify the man, or give the 
 authorities any information as to his charac 
 ter ? " 
 
 A. " Impossible impossible to ; face covered ; 
 could not." 
 
 2. "Was he there alone, or were there more 
 than one ? " 
 
 A. "This man don't mean." 
 
 3. " Was the motive robbery ? " 
 A. "Robbery, think it was." 
 
 4. " Was the instrument, used a knife ? " 
 A. "Yes, sir." 
 
 5. " Are you positive that this was one of 
 them ? " 
 
 A. " Mistake wrong man, sure." 
 
 6. "Was this man one of your assailants can 
 you identify him by his talk ? " 
 
 A. " At this talk, no ; I doubt him ; I am not 
 sure." 
 
 7. " Can you give any account of the assault, 
 or state what you did, or said, when you were 
 attacked ? " 
 
 A. " No can tell ; no talk at all."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 33 
 
 " That is the way the remarkable record was 
 twisted and reversed. 
 
 There was a curious buzz in the court room. 
 My clerk wilted as he faltered on with the an 
 swers, and I was thunderstruck. It was so long 
 since the answers had been given, that perhaps 
 the clerk knew but little about it all he had to 
 rely on was the notes. The clever lawyer had 
 found out that they were two-edged and double- 
 barrelled ; they read upside down, or down 
 side up, turned one way, one thing, another way, 
 another thing, and then I was aware, for the first 
 time, that my clerk was " rattled " the very in 
 stant that he had undertaken to transcribe the 
 wretched marks, three days before. You see, I 
 had been so anxious to play detective that I paid 
 no attention to what the injured party said. 
 Well, of course, the prisoner was acquitted, and 
 the notes went to protest. Marks that could be 
 read upside down, or down-side up, forward, or 
 backward, etc., were not considered of much 
 value, and, of course, the accused was acquitted. 
 The jury never left their seats. 
 
 To conclude with, I will tell you this in confi 
 dence : The coroner who took that inquest has 
 learned a thing or two. When he is a coroner, 
 he proposes to act as a coroner, and not as a de 
 tective. And when he takes an ante-mortem 
 statement he takes it himself, and he repeats the 
 answers as given, and writes them in good, large, 
 round, United States. That's all. I may add., 
 that if Mari was not guilty in that case, the real 
 culprit was never discovered. I always sus 
 pected him." 
 
 " What became of the clerk ? " said Mr. North- 
 coate.
 
 34 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 "Oh ! " answered the Coroner, musingly, "we 
 parted, and he was employed afterwards driving 
 mules on the Second avenue cars. Subsequently, 
 I think, he went West, became secretary, and af 
 terwards president of the Migginsville Railroad ; 
 the last I heard of him was that he had been 
 shot through the skull in some difficulty in Mon 
 tana. I was quite sorry that I didn't hold the 
 inquest ; it was a treat I had hoped for for some 
 years." 
 
 "Well," said Mr. Northcoate, " it was time for 
 him to die, but I never thought he would be 
 shot through the head on' account of the thick 
 ness " 
 
 The Coroner interrupted : " Indeed, I think a 
 man who could write notes that would be legi 
 ble both ways, would be of inestimable value to 
 some of the gentry in your profession, who have 
 great difficulty in reading them one way." 
 
 Just then the servant brought in coal to re 
 plenish the grate, and silently left the room. 
 
 The Coroner remarked thoughtfully ; " I know 
 that face. Where have I seen that man ? Who 
 is he ?" 
 
 " That," said the host, as he winked at the 
 others, " that is an Italian: his name is John 
 Simonetti." 
 
 The Coroner got up, looked hard at the com 
 pany, and said, in an altered tone, " Good-night, 
 gentlemen, good-night."
 
 THE ODDITIES Gc SHORT HAND. 35 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 THE STENOGRAPHER'S STORY. 
 
 meeting of the Worshipers at the Shrine 
 was duly opened by the Host. "Tell us a 
 story," he said to the Coroner, " to pass the time." 
 " No, siree " was the emphatic answer; " you dis 
 credited my narrative of the clerk's notes which 
 was just as true as that we sit here and sought 
 to impugn " 
 
 " Not at all," interrupted the Scribe, " I believe 
 it implicitly. In fact I have known of far more 
 remarkable things in my short and short hand 
 career. Your tale was of notes that read either 
 side up. What say you of notes that could not 
 be read at all ? " 
 
 " That," said the Coroner, " I know to be 
 common; and when I hear fellows of your craft 
 preferring the makeshift skeleton of short hand 
 notes to double leaded newspaper print for legi 
 bility, I always think of Ananias." The others 
 murmured assent. " To show you," resumed the 
 Stenographer, "that I never in the least doubted 
 the truth of your story, I will relate something 
 even more singular. Your narrative was of 
 double meaning notes that read downside up or" 
 upside down; what do you say to notes that 
 could be read not only upside down and down 
 side up, but inside out? " 
 
 "Indeed!" remarked the Taciturn Member. 
 The other listeners looked at each other aghast. 
 
 "Give us the instance," said the Lawyer, in a
 
 36 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 tone of unfeigned agitation, as with a great effort 
 he recovered himself sufficiently to wipe the cold 
 beads of perspiration from his wrinkled brow, 
 " and we will tell you what we think." 
 
 " By all means" broke in the Coroner, " any 
 thing to convince a ' Doubting Thomas,' and he 
 looked squarely at the Host. " There was once 
 a wall-eyed tom-cat," he went on, " that saw what 
 appeared to be a bull-dog's tail sticking out of a 
 thicket. Not fully satisfied by the evidence, he 
 went to investigate, and never doubted again. 
 His end was like that of the early martyrs." 
 
 " How ? " queried the lawyer. 
 
 "Why," remarked the little Coroner, as he 
 nodded triumphantly toward the sarcastic gen 
 tleman, " the 'doubting Thomas' died in faith.' 
 
 " I have the screed in my pocket," said the 
 Stenographer, ignoring the crest-fallen air of the 
 Host. " It was written by a young friend of 
 mine who was then employed on a daily paper. 
 After this manuscript was submitted to the edi 
 tor, my friend was cashiered on the spot, as a 
 man not possessing sufficient veracity to meet 
 the requirements of one holding the position of 
 a newspaper reporter." 
 
 A chorus of " Oh's" greeted this statement. 
 
 The cold-blooded stenographer then produced 
 a roll of paper, and having straightened out the 
 folds and dog-eared the corners, began the read 
 ing of the singular narrative called : 
 
 THE FANLIGHT NOTES. 
 
 Miss Kitty Hammond was a picture as she sat 
 at her desk late that Saturday afternoon. She 
 was not biting her pencil in vain ; although a 
 native of Pennsylvania, she was a stenographer
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 37 
 
 or a stenographeress. You could see that by the 
 small black spot of smut on the left side of her 
 nose. This young lady was employed in the 
 office of Mr. Theodore Moffet, the rich lawyer. 
 They were not yet married, much as that gold- 
 spectacled and eminently respectable looking 
 gentleman would have liked to enter into the 
 contract. Hence, he was in the habit of dictat 
 ing to her. 
 
 The girl who sat there was, as before stated, a 
 picture, and quite a pleasant one at that, black 
 spot and all. 
 
 She had a mouth too sweet for pencil moisten 
 ing, a fair complexion, a soft blue eye in fact 
 two of them, hair just the right shade (golden- 
 brown, as a description, is fair to middling for one 
 who knows little about colors) and a nose 
 gracious ! one of those saucy, slightly turned 
 no, a great poet says " Tip-tilted like the petals
 
 38 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 of a flower." Further description is useless. 
 You young fellows can think of one girl who is 
 all perfection, sweeter and fairer than all others, 
 and Miss Hammond was just that kind of a girl. 
 Her father was a rather obscure and somewhat 
 obstinate clergyman of the Methodist persuasion 
 in the Town of . The reverend gentle 
 man and the lawyer were old friends. Indeed, 
 it was through the latter's financial stand ing and 
 influence that the clergyman was placed over the 
 Church of . 
 
 These " Old Cronies" had several ideas in com 
 mon ; and lately they had taken it into their ven 
 erable heads that a certain arrangement in which 
 the rector's daughter was to be matrimonially 
 disposed of, would be mutually satisfactory. 
 
 Although close-fisted, cross and domineering, 
 Moffet was a respected, prospering lawyer ; and 
 Mr. Hammond, blinded by love for his only 
 daughter, and a paternal desire to see her well 
 settled in life, was not unwilling that his old 
 friend and benefactor should have every oppor 
 tunity to make a matrimonial alliance with his 
 daughter ; hence, he fell in with the lawyer's 
 ideas at the first hint from that gentleman. At 
 her father's suggestion, the girl entered the em 
 ployment of the attorney, "to earn pin-money," 
 he said, although she scarcely needed it, for her 
 father had been saving souls and money like a 
 man in real earnest. The " pin-money " excuse 
 had a deep ulterior design known to both 
 gentlemen, but not as yet fathomed by the 
 young lady. 
 
 Moffet, as a prominent lawyer, was in the habit 
 of bringing suits, and, of course, while in his
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 39 
 
 employ he had the opportunity to press his own 
 suit with the girl, and, indeed, he managed to 
 make himself quite agreeable. 
 
 Miss Kitty, actuated by that spirit of inde 
 pendence born in most women and some men, 
 accepted the employment gladly, but, as has 
 been said, had not yet fallen in with the deep 
 laid plan of the rector and the lawyer. 
 
 There was an obstacle in the way, that, if it 
 did not blind her otherwise keen perception, 
 certainly interfered seriously with her father's 
 programme ; for a young fellow, Thomas M. 
 Offet by name, employed in the N. G. R. R. 
 Co.'s office, was becoming interested in the 
 young woman. He had as yet never told his 
 love, but was only awaiting the " raise " which 
 comes so early, often and suddenly to clerks in 
 railroad offices, especially stenographic clerks, 
 to put in a bid for that type-writer ; and, being 
 a very determined young stenographer, he 
 meant to have that girl by hook or by crook. 
 
 Several times of late, young Offet had called 
 at the office for Miss Hammond, and accom 
 panied her home. Moffet discovering this 
 endeavored to put a stop to these meetings by 
 detaining his amanuensis in the evening at the 
 office on one pretext or another, and occasion 
 ally escorted the young woman to her father's 
 door himself. 
 
 Once or twice the young man visited Miss 
 Hammond at her residence, but her father was 
 always present during the evenings, and gave 
 the young man no encouragement to call again. 
 In fact, the reverend gentleman seemed to be 
 consulting his repeater most of the time during
 
 40 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 these visits, and managed to sit the young man 
 out. 
 
 Matters had been going on thus for some 
 time. The clergyman learned from Moffet that 
 young Offet had been calling at the office to see 
 the girl, and was not pleased thereat. As usual, 
 in such cases, made and provided, he made 
 things worse by a little foolish opposition, 
 " Do not allow that ' whipper-snapper,' " the 
 doctor called him, " near you, my child, he is 
 quite unfit company for you," and concluded 
 with some general remarks about the impecuni- 
 osity and general good-for-nothingness of the 
 young man. Miss Hammond did not draw 
 herself up to her full height, her eyes flashing 
 scorn, etc., as all young ladies do in novels under 
 like circumstances. This girl's height was just 
 four feet, eleven inches and a half, and the sub 
 lime and crushing effect would have been 
 entirely lost, so she did just what girls of that 
 age always do in similar circumstances, took 
 the part of the abused party through pity ; and 
 " Pity is akin to love ; or is the Irishman's 
 quotation more truthful, " Achin' to love ?" At 
 all events the clergyman thought the girl could 
 not be so foolish as to stand in the way of a 
 good offer such as Moffet was sure, sooner or 
 later, to make ; and, while he acted as home 
 guard, he believed the lawyer would bring 
 matters to the happy and successful issue he 
 desired. Keeping a keen eye on his daughter 
 while she was at home, he escorted her to various 
 places, when Moffet was not on hand to perform 
 that agreeable duty, and fondly believed that 
 with his own espionage and Moffet's watchful-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 4! 
 
 ness, there could be no attachment nor any 
 opportunity for the young man to prosecute his 
 suit. 
 
 There had been, so far at least, between the 
 girl and young Offet, nothing warmer than a 
 budding friendship, which would never perhaps 
 have ripened into anything stronger, but for the 
 parental opposition. They were interested in 
 each other, but, as yet, nothing further. 
 
 Running Errands. 
 
 Now the office of Moffet was blessed, or 
 cursed, with a boy and such a boy. His name 
 was Mike just plain Mike, but his companions, 
 as he said himself, " sometimes call me Moriarity 
 for short." The son of poor, but Irish parents, 
 he was like all 14 year old boys, much deeper 
 than he seemed to be. He kept both eyes and 
 ears wide open, and to his limited ability was 
 quick at everything but errands. 
 
 This lad was apparently respectful to his
 
 42 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 employer, whom he both feared and disliked. 
 In Mofftt's office, he was retained simply on 
 sufferance because he was useful and cheap. 
 Although earning but a few cents a day, his 
 employer exacted a petty fine if he delayed 
 in opening the office in the morning, or 
 spent too much time at lunch ; and the lad's 
 weakly pittance was often reduced by fines 
 and penalties which were rigorously exacted. 
 No wonder there was no love lost between 
 master and servant. While he respectfully 
 " sir-red " his employer to his face, Mike some 
 times so far forgot himself as to refer to the 
 lawyer as " the Old One," and byway of variety, 
 " His Nibs." But these expressions were made 
 use of in out-of-the-way places, and in low 
 tones. 
 
 Miss Hammond's office was a little room sep 
 arated from the main office (Moffet's) by a short 
 ground-glass partition and door that Michael 
 called her " Bow-door." 
 
 To enter her room the visitor passed from the 
 outer or main corridor through Moffet's office, 
 the main entrance to which was marked " Pri 
 vate." 
 
 The room in which the boy was employed was 
 entered from another corridor or hall on the left 
 or long side of the " L." Between that room 
 and the lawyer's private office was still another 
 door, generally kept closed by Moffet's ex 
 pressed wish, over which was the ordinary swing 
 ing fanlight. In this ante-room the boy was 
 accustomed to sit except when running, or per 
 haps we should say crawling errands. It was a 
 standing rule in the office that the boy should
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 43 
 
 not enter the main or private office till sum 
 moned by his employer. This was one of the 
 rules he strictly obeyed. There seemed to be 
 an air of cleanliness, quietness and restraint 
 about the inner office that .was not to his taste. 
 Once or twice when in close proximity to his 
 employer he noticed a look of displeasure on his 
 face and a dangerous glitter in the elderly gen 
 tleman's eye that frightened him, and he rightly 
 attributed the look of disgust to the odor of a 
 cigarette which he had lately left half smoked 
 and still lighted on a window-sill on the outer 
 corridor. 
 
 This left corridor, as already said, was only 
 used by the boy in entering his room, and by 
 those having business with Moffet not of a pri 
 vate character. Persons who had not the entree 
 to the private office at the front hall went around 
 into the room occupied by the boy, who took the 
 visitor's card or wrote the name on a slip of 
 paper, as the case might be, and passed it 
 through an oblong slit in the door separating 
 the ante-room from, the private office. Mike 
 preferred and enjoyed the freedom of the ante 
 room where he reigned supreme, and wherewith 
 an occasional dab at a short hand book or keen 
 enjoyment of "The Stolen Maiden or the Red 
 Outlawed Indian's Bloody Hand " he managed 
 to pass the time pleasantly enough, when not en 
 gaged in throwing wads of wet paper through 
 the air-shaft at the boy down-stairs or stealing a 
 smoke in the silent corridor. 
 
 As already intimated, he was employed on 
 sufferance. Angry words with an occasional 
 muttered oath thrown at him, had not been un-
 
 44 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 common, but of late the presence of Miss Ham 
 mond had served to curb exhibitions of Moffet's 
 temper in her hearing at least, and for this, 
 among other things, the lad was grateful to her. 
 Much to the boy's disgust he was detained quite 
 late on this particular Saturday evening. Mr. 
 Tom M. Offet, between whom and the lad a 
 lasting friendship had sprung up, called and had 
 a long sit of it in the ante-room. Once the 
 lawyer opened the door and speaking to the lad 
 and at the visitor whom he recognized, roared : 
 " Boy, do not allow us to be disturbed by any 
 callers unless the business is of the utmost im 
 portance," and slammed the door to. " No use 
 waiting," whispered the lad to Offet, " they're 
 in there till they finish that brief or job, what 
 ever it is." Notwithstanding the hint, the young 
 man remained. An hour passed. Young Offet 
 fidgeted in his chair and in many ways exhibited 
 his impatience ; at length Michael approached 
 the door ostensibly to light the gas when much 
 to his surprise there was no response to his re 
 peated knock. He turned the knob, the room 
 was empty. "They're gone," he gasped; "I 
 guess they went off together, they often do now ; 
 it's getting interesting." Then seeing the look 
 of disappointment on the other's face he consol 
 ingly remarked : " I'll help you," and in a tragic, 
 Old Bowery tone, " Fear not, I will rescue her 
 or die." The dreadful alternative was lost on 
 the ears of the young man as with a crestfallen 
 air he passed from the corridor down into the 
 street. He comforted himself with the reflection 
 that the young woman was not aware that he 
 had been in waiting in the ante-room when she
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 45 
 
 left the office with her elderly escort. Nor was 
 he far wrong in this supposition. As for Mike 
 he kicked over the waste-basket, banged the 
 windows down with a rush and was about to in 
 sert the key in the door when he saw an oblong 
 piece of paper projecting from the pocket of Mr. 
 Moffet's office-coat, which hung on the door 
 frame. 
 
 He was a boy ; his mother was a woman, and 
 perchance he is not to be too severely condemned 
 for the possession of a curiosity that prompted 
 him to open that paper. 
 
 He spread it out as heneared the window, the 
 better to see it in the gathering dusk. What he 
 saw made him exclaim almost involuntarily: 
 " By Jimmenaddy ! " It was a marriage license 
 issued by the County Clerk of a neighboring 
 county, addressed to "any justice of the peace 
 in and for," &c., " duly authorized to solemnize 
 marriage," and "This day appeared before me, 
 Theo. Moffet, one of the contracting parties, of 
 the town of - , and Richard Hammond, father 
 and natural guardian of Kate Hammond, the 
 aforementioned party, residents of," &c. It was 
 plentifully interspersed with whereases and here- 
 inbefores, &c. 
 
 The boy blew a long, low whistle. His curi 
 osity satisfied, he was about to return the paper 
 to the place it came from, but in folding it up he 
 saw something that surprised him. As he had 
 held the upper part of the document in a posi 
 tion to read, the lower portion naturally rested 
 on the lighted end of the half consumed cigarette 
 between his fingers, and a little circular brown 
 spot showed in the paper just below the County
 
 (6 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 Clerk's signature. He wet his finger and at 
 tempted to rub the stain off. The result fright 
 ened him. The charred spots fell out and 
 a small round hole appeared with dark ser 
 rated edges. Then all thought of replacing 
 the paper was abandoned. It would bear 
 the marks of having been handled, he 
 thought ; an investigation would in all prob 
 ability lead to his prompt dismissal if not 
 to some other great punishment. He thought 
 of his mother she was a widow and he was her 
 only son, and the pittance he received, small as 
 it was, helped to pay the rent. It would not do 
 to lose it. He would destroy the paper and say 
 nothing. It would never be found out. The 
 very fact of Moffet's having left it in the pocket 
 of his office coat showed that he was careless and 
 would in reality never know what had become of 
 it. He would make away with it, get a dupli 
 cate copy, or do something ; and as he hesitated, 
 and thought of all this he almost unconsciously 
 slipped the paper in his pocket intending to 
 think out carefully what was best to be done in 
 the matter. His next impulse was to see Miss 
 Hammond and tell her all. But how could he 
 face her and admit that he had purloined it. It 
 was hardly a thing to be proud of ; she had been 
 kind to him in many ways, and he desired to re 
 tain her good opinion. At length the impression 
 became strong in the lad's mind that the girl 
 was entirely in the dark as to the arrangement 
 hinted at in the paper. If he could warn her of 
 the secret plan and also save himself from any 
 evil consequences it would please him. If he 
 could not pluck up courage to tell her, he would
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 47 
 
 see young Offet and put the whole matter in his 
 hands. 
 
 The more the boy thought over the matter the 
 more he was convinced that there was a hidden 
 design under consideration ; that he had discov 
 ered "a put up job," he called it, and the oppor 
 tunity to interfere with a cherished plan of his 
 ill-tempered old employer was not to be fore 
 gone. He even convinced himself, after much 
 cogitation, that he was doing a good turn to his 
 friends, Miss Hammond and Offet, in fact, a 
 clever thing. He would, however, see the latter 
 in the morning before business hours, and mean 
 time he would sleep over it and see what the 
 morrow's sun would bring forth. 
 
 Mike was a boy, and he slept the sleep of the 
 just. At an early hour on the following day he 
 called at the young man's residence. Offet had 
 left some time before. The boy consoled him 
 self with the reflection that he would see him in 
 the course of the day. He retained the ab 
 stracted paper in his pocket, not having the 
 courage to destroy it till he had shown it to some 
 one. 
 
 How the long morning passed, he never knew. 
 Once or twice he fancied he heard Moffet rumag- 
 ing through the pigeon holes and about the desk, 
 and trembled when called. The lawyer did not 
 refer to his loss. Had he done so, there was an 
 unmitigated lie ready for him. On his way to 
 the post-office about midday, the lad managed 
 to call and see Mr. Offet ; the story was soon 
 told and corroborated by the production of the 
 license. To say that the lover was astonished 
 would be putting it mildly. He was mad. " A
 
 48 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 despicable trick," he savagely exclaimed, " to 
 trap the dear girl unwittingly. I am sure she is 
 no party to it. I am surprised at her father and 
 astounded at the audacity of that old villain." 
 He conjectured that it was the father's intention 
 to take the girl on a trip to some distant place 
 where Moffet would join them, and then, remote 
 from the influence of friends, including himself, 
 the girl would be prevailed upon by her father 
 and Moffet to go through the ceremony, of 
 which the procuring of the license was the first 
 step. He had no idea things had gone so far ; 
 he was much startled. Now there was no time to 
 hesitate. Nothing but the great pressure of 
 business in the office of the N. G. R. R. Co. (it 
 was the time of the great " strike ") prevented 
 him from rushing at once to the lawyer's office 
 and blowing up or cleaning out the whole con 
 cern. Offet felt that he must act promptly, 
 because, with a license ready and perhaps a 
 duplicate copy of the one purloined was on its 
 way, if not already procured and the girl in a 
 distant place under her father's control, what 
 could prevent the complete success of the plot ? 
 Only the girl's will, and he feared this would give 
 way under the united arguments of the doctor 
 and the lawyer. He was in a quandary. He 
 would write her a note at once, telling her 'he 
 would call that evening ; but perhaps her 
 father's intention wr.s to leave the city with her 
 to-night, yet, a note of warning written promptly, 
 seemed the only thing possible. " No," said the 
 boy thoughtfully, as young Offet took his note 
 book from his pocket ; " it is useless to write, 
 Moffet, I guess, would get it." "And I fear,"
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 49 
 
 said the other, "that her father receives her 
 letters at the house, and, I presume, reads them, 
 but he is her father ; surely I can send her a 
 note to the office." "Well," said the boy, " I 
 don't see how it is to be delivered when it is 
 written ; he watches her like a cat watching a 
 mouse. Perhaps I might find some way. Oh ! 
 I have it ; write it in shorthand, and, if he does 
 get it, he will be none the wiser." "A good 
 idea," remarked Offet, tearing a leaf from his 
 note book, and jotting down a few sentences ; 
 " I shall send her this, and if, as you say, he is 
 mean enough to intercept it, he won't under 
 stand it, that's one comfort." " May I read it ?" 
 inquired the boy. " Certainly," answered the 
 other. " Because," the lad went on, " if it is lost 
 or intercepted I may have a chance to see her 
 and state its contents." " By all means," replied 
 the young man, " read it ; I will not wait to seal 
 it, it is not necessary." " Good, good," ejacu 
 lated the lad, " don't wait to enclose it. I'm 
 behind time now. I will try and get it to her 
 someway or other." 
 
 Mike took the hurriedly addressed note, and 
 after getting the mail at the post office, thought 
 it would save time, having reached Moffet's, to 
 let the elevator boy hand in the letters, while he 
 went to a curb-stone restaurant for a two-cent 
 dinner. 
 
 Having put himself outside of a large wedge 
 of Washington pie, and having regaled himself 
 with a cigarette, he at length concluded, before 
 re-entering the office, to fish out Offet's note to 
 Miss Hammond, so as to have it ready to hand 
 her if an opportunity presented itself. To his
 
 50 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 intense surprise he failed to find it. Search 
 as he would, in every receptacle about his 
 clothing, he failed to discover it, and a look of 
 dismay over-spread his face as he surmised that 
 the elevator boy had received it among the other 
 letters, and had handed all in to the lawyer. He 
 dashed up-stairs, hoping almost against hope, 
 that " Elevator" had not as yet delivered the 
 letters. "Oh, yes/' the latter said cheerfully, 
 in answer to his eager inquiry, he had given 
 them all into Mr. Moffet's own hand. No, he 
 did not notice any unsealed note addressed to 
 Miss Hammond, or a small red-lined sheet of 
 note paper. It fact, he didn't look at any of the 
 letters ; he never looked at letters or cards, or 
 anything ; no, never ; and if anyone thought he 
 did such a thing, let them deliver their own 
 letters. 
 
 The lad saw that there was nothing further to 
 be gained by parleying and congratulated him 
 self that as he knew what was in the note he 
 could deliver a verbal message to the same effect 
 or write another note just as good. 
 
 Having entered the ante-room he waited close 
 to the inner door what seemed to him a long 
 time to learn if the lawyer departed from the 
 office or to discover if the girl left her seat. The 
 outer door never opened. The steady clickity- 
 click of the type-writer, and the lengthening 
 shadows warned him that the afternoon was 
 slipping by without the accomplishment of his 
 purpose. He began to fidget, and at length 
 concluded to write a note with the intention of 
 getting it to the girl in some way. The commu 
 nication ready in his hand he seemed to be no
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 5! 
 
 nearer the consummation of his purpose. It 
 would not do to call her out to the front door, 
 Moffet would see him, and to wait longer was 
 out of the question. Then the idea occurred to 
 him of dropping the note through the open fan 
 light over the door leading from the ante-room 
 to the private office and trusting that the young 
 lady would find it on the floor before Moffet saw 
 it. It was a desperate chance and he would in 
 vestigate first. It seemed practicable, and he 
 thought it wise to endeavor to first attract her 
 attention in some way. Taking a tall office 
 stool he climbed upon it and was barely able to 
 look into the room. Cautiously slipping down 
 and getting a Webster's Unabridged, he placed 
 it on the stool and as cautiously mounted again. 
 Then he slowly and carefully unloosened the 
 cord by means of which and a broom handle the 
 sash was swung and lifted the fanlight out from 
 the sockets in which its pivots rested. He laid 
 the transom on the floor and mounting the 
 perch, again looked in. The view was good. 
 He saw Moffet just below the opening with his 
 back towards the door, three or four law books 
 in his lap and a large roll of legal cap in his 
 hand. A few feet beyond sat Miss Hammond 
 clicking away at the machine and occupying 
 such a position that just the outer edge of her 
 left ear was towards him, a pose known to pho 
 tographers and football players as three-quarter 
 back. The boy saw at once that owing to the 
 respective positions of the parties, dropping the 
 message through the opening without attract 
 ing the lawyer's attention was almost if not 
 cjuite beyond the possibilities. He hoped she
 
 52 THE ODD/TIES Of LriOP f HAND. 
 
 might raise her eyes, arA he stared at the girl 
 steadily for some minutes waving his hands in 
 the air, up and down, crosswise, lengthwise and 
 otherwise, in the vain effort to attract her atten 
 tion without Moffet's knowledge. It was useless. 
 He even attempted to make a low hissing noise 
 between his teeth; it was barely audible to him 
 self, and faint as it was frightened him. 
 
 Another scheme occurred to him : he would 
 make what school boys call a " spit-ball " and 
 throw it at her. This idea was dismissed as soon 
 as formed. He argued that if it were thrown so as 
 to strike her with sufficient force to serve his 
 purpose it would startle her, perhaps cause her 
 to utter an exclamation of some sort and then it 
 was all up. 
 
 All these thoughts passed through the lad's 
 mind in less time than t takes to relate the oc 
 currence. Completely baffled, he descended 
 from his position to think, and just scratched 
 his head in sheer despair. After replacing the 
 book and stool a new idea entered his fertile 
 mind. Taking up a sheet of paper he made 
 several idiotic looking marks on it and held it to 
 the light. He \vas not satisfied. Again and 
 again he tried it and finally after holding the 
 paper bctv/cen his face and the window .he 
 chuckled softly. His glance fell on the displaced 
 transom and he grinned. With difficulty he sup 
 pressed a loud guffaw. "There is the fanlight," 
 he muttered to himself, " here is a bottle of ink, 
 a mucilage brush and a stenographer; what's the 
 matter with that ? "' 
 
 Nothing. He took up the transom, laid it on 
 his knee and without waiting to clean the mu-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 53 
 
 cilage from the brush, dipped it in the ink and 
 wrote the message for Miss Hammond on the 
 glass. Then cooly and cautiously he replaced 
 th *ash with its pinions in the sockets, quite 
 
 confident that inthecourse of the day the young 
 lady \voi:ld look up and see the message, and 
 that even if Moffet observed it, he was outwitted.
 
 54 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE FANLIGHT NOTES. Continued. 
 
 A S Mike surveyed his work he laughed softly 
 ** and shook hands with himself taking his left 
 hand in his right and giving it the proper mo 
 tion while repeating the immortal words of the 
 great John Horner, " He put in his thumb, 
 pulled out a plum saying, Oh ! what a good 
 boy am I." 
 
 As stated the transom swung on pivots. 
 When the sash was not pushed or pulled to the 
 perpendicular it swung to the horizontal, being 
 pivoted in the end centers, and if swung half 
 around the top of course became the bottom. 
 When the cord attached to the upper end was 
 pulled the sash fell to the horizontal open the 
 top balancing the bottom; a position it was often 
 kept in during warm weather. When in its 
 proper place and closed recourse was had to the 
 cord to pull or the stick to push as the case 
 might be. Being of a mechanical turn of mind 
 the lad noticed this when removing the sash and 
 replaced it so that the message for the girl 
 would appear properly. The reader paused : 
 " I will show you what the writer intended to 
 represent a working model, made as well as 
 could be with transparent paper. It explains it 
 much better than any verbal description, but 
 how it could be arranged to appear in a book or 
 magazine in this satisfactory shape, I am at a 
 loss to imagine."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 55 
 
 "And in order to convince his readers of the 
 truth of his narrative the writsr, " : ke Mr. Wegg, 
 dropped into poetry." 
 
 "Ah," said the Host blandly, "that reminds 
 me ; a person was once boasting of having 
 killed a notorious burglar who attempted to 
 rob him. His listeners did not seem to believe 
 the statement. But the boaster in order to con 
 vince them of the truth of his assertion, produced 
 a map and proudly pointed out on it the country 
 in which the killing took place, as he said, to 
 convince his hearers." 
 
 The others nodded, while the Stenographer 
 went gloomily on : 
 
 " This, as I say, represents the door and the 
 fanlight. It is in fact, as I have already told 
 you, a working model. The descriptive poetry 
 as you perceive, is written across the main panel 
 of what represents the door. Observe the rope, 
 the broom-handle and all with the lines. 
 
 " This is the door that swung on the floor 
 
 With the pivoted fanlight above ; 
 One turn of the sash, and quick as a flash, 
 In darted the God of Love. 
 
 This is the string that moved the thing, 
 
 And this is the stick of like aid ; 
 This is the cleat that held the rope neat, 
 
 And this is the sign that Mike made." 
 
 After the company had somewhat recovered 
 and the Host and Engineer had called loudly for 
 water, the unabashed Stenographer continued 
 the reading : " As I was saying, he placed the 
 transom bearing the short hand characters in 
 such a position that the message for the girl 
 would appear properly. Replacing it and tying
 
 56 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 the cord fastened to the sash on the cleat a.i the 
 door-frame, the boy sat by his desk with teeth 
 clenched tightly and almost choked in his effort 
 to prevent himself from laughing. He sat there 
 for some time with the glow of feeling that he 
 had done a good day's work. Suddenly the 
 office door opened with a bang against the wall, 
 that shook the building, and the angry face of 
 Moffet appeared. Glaring at the boy, he 
 shouted : " Here, you ; send Biglore to me 
 instantly, you rat ; tell him to come into my 
 office by the private door. Do you hear? Go ! " 
 The boy's heart beat fast. Biglore, he knew, 
 was a stenographer, having an office on the floor 
 above. In fact, there were several of that call 
 ing in the building. They fell over each other in 
 the passage-way and jostled each other on the 
 stairs. Biglore was one of the best. The boy 
 stole a timid glance at the hard face of his em 
 ployer and needed no second bidding. Slowly 
 he went up the stairs, his breath coming short 
 and fast. " Will it work ? " he muttered. " Oh, 
 it must not fail ! I have tried it ; it cannot fail. It 
 is as solid as a rock, and they needn't think be 
 cause I'm Irish, born in Jersey, that I don't 
 know His cogitations were cut short by his 
 arrival at Mr. Biglore's door. The message de 
 livered to that gentleman, the boy turned quick 
 ly in an endeavor to hurry down. " I will accom 
 pany you," said Mr. Biglore, taking the unwill 
 ing boy's arm in his and meandering down the 
 broad stairway to Moffet's office. " You are to 
 go in by the private door," said Mike, shifting 
 uneasily, " and mind you, sir, rub your feet well 
 on that mat rub them hard. He's awful par-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 57 
 
 ticular, he is. Don't hurry yourself." Leaving 
 Biglore industriously scraping his feet on the 
 mat at the private entrance, Mike dashed around 
 the corridor and into the ante-room. Quickly 
 approaching the inner door, he unfastened the 
 
 JKS it appeared to Mike in his room when he set it for Biglore in 
 Moffet's room. 
 
 end of the rope from the cleat, pulled it, and with 
 the broomstick quietly pushed the lower part of 
 the fanlight up. He believed that Moffet would 
 meet Biglore at the outer private door, and sur 
 mised that he could go through the performance
 
 53 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 just related, unnoticed. Knowing that it was a 
 desperate chance, he took it. He reasoned well. 
 It succeeded. Scarce had he turned the transom 
 and settled himself, when he heard the voices of 
 Moffet and Biglore just below the opening. 
 
 "And I have reason to believe," the former 
 was saying, "that my boy, or some other irre 
 sponsible person (he had Offet in mind) is taking 
 a dishonorable, surreptitious, and underhand 
 method of sending insulting, or at least imperti 
 nent communications to myself or to my lady 
 amanuensis, and I have sent for you to read that, 
 if you please." " What ? Where is it ? " in 
 quired the dazed Biglore. " Those characters 
 on the fanlight that Chinese inscription ; read 
 it, please, and translate it for me. Miss Ham 
 mond, you take this down as Mr. Biglore reads 
 it." 
 
 The bewildered Biglore raised his eyes to the 
 transom, scanned it carefully, and remarked, af 
 ter a pause : " It does not seem to be very alarm 
 ing, sir, so far as I can make it out. It is really 
 the most heart-rending short hand I ever beheld, 
 but I believe this is the reading 
 
 " Oh, read it, read it, read it ! " exclaimed the 
 lawyer, impatiently. 
 
 Mr. Biglore hemmed twice or thrice, paused 
 and hesitated as he looked at the coarse char 
 acters slobbered by the careless boy with the 
 gummy brush on the not over clean glass. 
 
 He then read and Miss Hammond made the 
 transcript as follows : 
 " Oh, Doctor K. 
 
 " How can a fish have meat by mistake ? Color 
 it. For it will save all year for each of two, if
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 59 
 
 not more. Give the vile dust. Sell the sinner. 
 Although the officials may say what? Get off 
 the perch. 
 
 "But don't go." 
 
 Ac it appeared to Biglore in Moffet's room after Mike set the 
 trap in the ante-room. 
 
 "It may be nonsense," concluded Biglore, 
 " Perhaps a cipher or secret code, but I doubt 
 that, though I have heard of such things. In all 
 probability it is as I have read it, substantially." 
 " Is that all ?" queried the dumbfounded lawyer.
 
 60 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 "All, sir, and I think it is perfectly harmless un 
 less you have reason to think otherwise." 
 
 "Humph," muttered the counselor, "I suspect 
 ed that it might have been something much 
 more serious than that." He glanced furtively 
 in the waste paper basket and noticed that cer 
 tain pieces of red-lined note paper were much 
 too small to be pieced without great difficulty, 
 and he regretted now that he had not saved that 
 sheet for a translation. 
 
 " It must be as you say, and if so, it is without 
 meaning. You are quite confident that is a cor 
 rect translation ? " 
 
 " Oh, certainly," answered Mr. Biglore, " I be 
 lieve it to be substantially so," turning to Miss 
 Hammond who nodded her head in the affirma 
 tive. 
 
 " Well," said the lawyer, following the stenog 
 rapher to the private door, " I am obliged to 
 you and I am glad that it is as harmless and 
 nonsensical as you say, because " 
 
 " Oh, by the way," interrupted Biglore, as he 
 stood in the hallway, " let us have a glance at it 
 on the other side." 
 
 " Of course, if you desire," answered the law 
 yer, and both turned the corridor leading to the 
 ante-room. 
 
 " Mike, Mike," said a suppressed voice through 
 the key-hole, " they have gone around." 
 
 Mike heard the voice and in the twinkling of 
 an eye had the string pulled with such a jerk 
 that it broke from the ring in the sash, the fan 
 light opened and reversed with the broom- 
 handle, and his mouth demurely set by the time 
 the stenographer and Monet entered the ante 
 room.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 61 
 
 Mr. Biglore glanced at the inverted sash and 
 with a very perplexed look scratched his left ear. 
 The lawyer and stenographer saw at a glance 
 ihat without a string attached to the sash it 
 could not be turned without difficulty. .Then 
 
 As it appeared to Biglore in Mike's room after he and the 
 sash had " gone round." 
 
 Biglore's face brightened. " Never mind," he 
 said, "you must excuse me, sir, but in reading 
 short hand notes position is everything, and as 
 this is reversed to me I perceive I shall have to 
 accommodate myself to circumstances and re-
 
 62 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 verse myself as it were." Saying this the stenog 
 rapher turned his back to the fanlight door, 
 raised his coat tails carefully and lowered his 
 head so that he could get a view between his 
 nether extremities. He seemed to be making 
 an impossible attempt to stand on his head while 
 keeping on his feet. His position was undigni 
 fied and ridiculous perhaps better imagined 
 than described suffice it to say the pose was 
 such that nothing but the presence of his em 
 ployer restrained Mike from shouting "Spurrins! 
 Stick in your noddle," and taking a frog-like 
 leap over the arched back of Biglore and finish 
 ing with the boyish yell of " P-a-r-r ! " 
 
 All this time the lad sat with his chair tilted 
 back against the wall, his hands nervously 
 twisting the end of his soft hat, the rest of which 
 was in his mouth ; his knees working up and 
 down convulsively and from his bulging eyes 
 and red distorted face he appeared to be suffer 
 ing all the dreadful agonies of a violent epileptic 
 fit or the final spasms of hydrophobia. 
 
 In the curious manner described the accommo 
 dating stenographer scanned the boy's coarse in 
 scription, and naturally proceeded to read it 
 from left to right and from the top down as he 
 viewed it. In reality he began at the lower 
 right-hand corner and read to the left upwards 
 as anyone would who took his odd position and 
 began from the bottom. 
 
 The stenographer thanked his stars that Miss 
 Hammond could not see him for he felt that his 
 position was anything but dignified and whether 
 from a feeling of gentlemanly modesty which 
 all stenographers possess, or from his singularily
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 63 
 
 unnatural position he flushed to his collar 
 bone. 
 
 Not long did he remain in his dreadful pose 
 but while he was thus standing on his head as it 
 were, trying to decipher the fanlight inscription 
 
 " One good turn deserves another." Reading the fanlight 
 notes in Mike's room. 
 
 Miss Hammond stood at lady-like ease in the 
 other room looking at the message. 
 
 "It is the same here," said Biglore, thought 
 fully, as his face resumed its natural color, "it is 
 all right, of course ; it ought to be,"
 
 64 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " Of course," echoed the lawyer, in a matter- 
 of-fact tone, "how could it be otherwise?" 
 
 " It could not," murmured Biglore as he slow 
 ly left the room with Moffet, " of course not." 
 
 Ah, it could be otherwise, it was otherwise, 
 and the office boy knew it, and by this time Miss 
 Hammond certainly knew it, for while the others 
 were going around Mike's voice went through 
 the keyhole, singing : 
 
 " Hail Columbia, Right side up side." 
 
 By the pulling of a string, it read as Biglore 
 indicated, and by the poke of a broom-handle it 
 was : 
 
 " Oh, Dear K. 
 
 "Although the lover's note was read, good will 
 and patience. Look out for yourself ; you, your 
 pa, and the old one go to N. Y. State, Illinois or 
 West. 
 
 " I gave the lawyer your note. Ransack, grab 
 it. 
 
 " But don't go." 
 
 For the first time Miss Hammond looked up, 
 for the first time she saw the message. A quick 
 witted girl, with a glance or two and a little 
 study she comprehended it. A trip with her 
 father and Moffet to a distant State ? Why ? It 
 was a revelation to her. The idea ! A note to 
 her ! What is that ? And suppressed ? Moffet 
 gave her no note. " Ransack ?" Where ? Had 
 he witheld it ? Could it be possible that such a 
 thing had been done by this polite old gentle 
 man? That was the meaning of the fanlight 
 message. She could hardly credit it, yet, what 
 object had this boy in writing such a communi 
 cation in such a singular manner and at such
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 risks to himself, if it were not the fact ? She be 
 gan to think seriously and little acts and circum 
 stances came to her mind that had been almost 
 forgotten ; such as Moffet's escorting her home 
 so frequently ; the fact that young Offet had 
 
 As it appeared to Miss Hammond in Moffet's room when she 
 read it at lady-like ease. 
 
 called to visit her once or twice previously, as 
 she had reason to believe from a hint dropped by 
 her father when she was not aware of that fact ; 
 the lawyer's request that she should delay her 
 departure from the office on the pretended ex-
 
 66 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 cuse of work to be done which she had suspect 
 ed and subsequently discovered was only a pre 
 tense, and a certain conversation that she had 
 with young Offetat Aunt Benson's house several 
 evenings before and a promise, a conditional 
 one to be sure, but a sweet one nevertheless ; 
 the parting at the gate and and a hint of letters 
 she had failed to receive, coupled with the young 
 man's evident desire to screen her father ; all 
 all came back to her. The girl's mind was in a 
 whirl. She would just take a walk and think it 
 over, and without a word to her employer she 
 whisked out. Mike heard the vexed girl slam 
 the outer door and hastened in to find Moffet 
 reading a brief or pretending to and wondering if 
 the angry girl suspected anything. " Did you 
 call me, sir," inquired the boy ? " No, leave me 
 at once, sir. When I call you, you will know it 
 go to the post-office aud hurry back." 
 
 The agitated girl had not yet reached the cor 
 ner as, with e. laugh and a skip, Mike approachec 
 her. " Oh, didn't we play him," he begat. 
 " Listen to me," she said, her face pale with in 
 dignation, "did he get a note for me and keep 
 it?" 
 
 The boy related the circumstances of handing 
 the mail to the elevator man and his strong sus 
 picion that her note from Offet was among the 
 letters that had reached Moffet's hands. Shf, re 
 membered then that she had seen him with a 
 sheet of red-lined note paper which he tore in 
 small bits as he eyed her curiously. She thought 
 it queer at the time, but now the inference was 
 plain. And the license the boy told her of, so 
 Auspiciously procured, showing that they in-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND, 67 
 
 tended to marry her off-hand without consulting 
 her wishes. "Oh, they did, indeed!" She 
 would see about that. Nothing but vexation 
 kept her from bursting into tears. As it was she 
 was in a fine state of temper. " The old villain! 
 the wretch ! " she ejaculated, " to accompany 
 me home while playing such tricks. Gracious 
 me, I shall never step foot another day in his 
 office. The tricky old scamp ! " Mike's efforts 
 as a pacifier were not of the best ; he was a boy, 
 and did not understand young ladies in tan 
 trums, but he suddenly ceased his poor efforts 
 as he cried : " Hi, there," and young Offet came 
 towards them. 
 
 The latter saw by the girl's face that there was 
 something amiss, and calling a cab he handed 
 her in, and directed the Jehu to drive to the park. 
 Before they started, the lad asked him to promise 
 faithfully to stop at Aunt Benson's on their re 
 turn. " Do " he said, " looking earnestly at Offet, 
 the game is yours if you only go in and win, the 
 plan can be arranged." 
 
 Now, I forgot to tell you that Offet had re 
 ceived that " raise " and all he needed to make 
 his happiness complete was the consent of a 
 young woman about the size of Miss Hammond. 
 He was under the impression that once the knot 
 was properly tied there would be the usual for 
 giveness from the father, and he tried earnestly 
 to convince the girl of that fact. Forgetful of 
 the promise he had made himself, to spare the 
 old man for the daughter's sake, he plumply 
 told her of communications sent her which she 
 had never received, of numerous occasions when 
 ^.e waited in the ante-room to escort her only
 
 68 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 to find that she had left with Moffet, and inti 
 mated that there was a scheme of the lawyer's 
 on foot, whose influence with her father she 
 well knew, to entrap her into a hasty marriage. 
 
 He soon learned from her that she had indig 
 nantly left the lawyer's employ, and was disin 
 clined to see her father just yet, until she had 
 recovered her composure, or temper. The 
 time seemed propititous and the young man 
 ardently pressed his suit. He spoke eloquently 
 of his love, his brightening prospects, the com 
 fortable home he had with only a younger sister 
 to keep house. " Dear Kitty," he urged, " we 
 have been kept apart by circumstances we could 
 not control ; we are together now ; I offer you 
 my home, my life, my protection I love you." 
 
 The girl covered her face with her hands, 
 sobbing, " I am friendless and alone, a con 
 spiracy against me, even my own father" 
 
 " Kitty," the impassioned lover whispered, 
 " you have me to love and protect you forever, 
 be mine, come and we will end all this wretched 
 trouble at once. Come, love." 
 
 The woman hesitated, and the woman that 
 hesitates is won. "It seems so foolish," she 
 piteously exclaimed through her tears ; " so 
 sudden, without preparation, and my father"- 
 then she broke down utterly at the remem 
 brance of her condition, believing that her own 
 father was in a plot to dispose of her like a 
 chattel. The suppressed letters, the many ful 
 some and disgusting attentions of Moffet came 
 to her recollection and her opposition weakened. 
 The young man earnestly endeavored to prove 
 that now was the accepted time, that there was
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 69 
 
 nothing half so sweet in life as Love's young 
 dream, and paused only when he believed that 
 the day was won and with it the girl. 
 
 He deeply regretted now the lateness >of the 
 hour as it would necessitate waiting another day 
 for the issuing of a marriage license. A delay 
 however short was dangerous. This girl might 
 change her mind if she reached home and were 
 again under her father's control, no matter how 
 great her love for him. A postponement might 
 result disastrously to his hopes, but there seemed 
 to be no help for it. 
 
 Miss Hammond, as a discreet young woman, 
 finally consented to go to her aunt's house, con 
 sult that good lady, and abide by her decision. 
 
 The Mrs. Benson, to whose home they went 
 was a life-long friend of Mike's mother, and 
 was, moreover, well acquainted with Offet and 
 his family, therefore a mutual friend, and in the 
 present crisis as the sequel showed, a friend in 
 deed. A matter-of-fact woman of the world, 
 with a woman's quick perception she knew the 
 situation of affairs at a glance. She welcomed 
 the young couple with unusual warmth, embraced 
 her niece affectionately, and congratulated the 
 young fellow on his success in " hurrying the 
 thing up." " Oh, you rogue," she said smilingly, 
 "you need not look so innocently surprised. 
 Squire - sent word that he would be on 
 duty at 7.30 and that it was all right, and as you 
 have set your hearts on it, and every one is 
 willing, I don't see what's the use of waiting. 
 When John and me got ready, we didn't wait a 
 minute either. Yes, you silly goose," she 
 whispered to the blushing girl, " at once, and I 
 will go along."
 
 JO THE ODDITIES OF SHO^T HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE FANLIGHT NOTES. Continued. 
 
 VI OW all this put young Offet in a singular con 
 dition of'mind. The good lady spoke as if 
 something were arranged and the Squire ready. 
 Ready for what ? He could not understand it, 
 yet there was a handsome girl beaming on him, 
 he loved her, she had tacitly consented to be his, 
 her aunt was there to chaperone her, anxious, it 
 seemed, that the "felicity should eventuate." 
 How did it come about ? Had the father, hear 
 ing of his promotion, withdrawn his opposition? 
 Perhaps the doctor's name had been forged to 
 the license and he had repudiated the proposed 
 alliance with Moffet. The extraordinary turn of 
 affairs was incomprehensible to the young man; 
 the girl was in a fair way to become Mrs. Offet, 
 and he believed he could nerve himself up to 
 stand the consequences. 
 
 Mrs. Benson, with smiles and winks, conduct 
 ed them to Squire 's, hard by, where that 
 
 legal riveter was awaiting them. Ordinarily 
 that alone should have startled Offet, but he 
 was in such a delightfully dazed condition, the 
 victim of a good-natured conspiracy as it were, 
 that had the old gentleman himself -suddenly 
 appeared and presented him with a check for 
 $10,000 he would have taken it as a matter of 
 course. 
 
 The parties being placed by Mrs. Benson, 
 the Squire asked the groom if he was Thomas 
 M. Offet and if the bride was Miss Kate Ham 
 mond, both residents of . The answers
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 7! 
 
 being in the affirmative, the knot was promptly 
 and effectually tied. The squire then laid down 
 the papers and took off his glasses the better to 
 kiss the bride. As he made his accustomed 
 jump the alert young lady stooped to imprint a 
 chaste salute on the brow of Michael, who ap 
 peared from no one knew where. The old 
 gentleman missed the bride but managed to give 
 Tom Offet a hearty smack on the left ear. The 
 young man turned to rub the injured member, 
 /ind then and for the first time got a good glance 
 At the paper which the squire had placed on a 
 chair. Lo ! It had a small round hole below the 
 Clerk's signature, and " Theo. M offet " was 
 easily mistaken by the near-sighted old man for 
 " Thos. M. Offet," especially as he had been ap 
 plied to previously on behalf of certain parties 
 and had written the names of the bride and 
 groom in his own large plain characters. 
 
 Young Offet saw it all now, and I can hardly 
 describe his feelings of mingled consternation 
 and delight. He began to consider in a vague 
 way the consequences and at first concluded to 
 say nothing. On the whole, why should he. 
 Why not take the gifts the gods send ? It was 
 a wretched misunderstanding on their part, yet 
 he was not at fault, and it could not be helped 
 now. No, it was too late in any event, and, if 
 silence was not golden in this case it was the 
 least of two evils and therefore preferable. The 
 blushing bride, receiving the congratulations of 
 her aunt and the squire's wife seemed to be 
 happy, and was he to blurt out the truth and 
 cloud her fair face ? He saw now that the boy 
 had engineered the whole thing and by means
 
 ^2 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND, 
 
 of the purloined license. It had been shown to 
 the aunt and the squire, and they had been 
 grossly deceived. 
 
 The poor girl, of course, had never been mar 
 ried before, and supposed having her aunt by 
 her side, her father's sicker (rhe having been 
 motherless for many years) that everything was 
 straightforward and proper. 
 
 Then the young man began to think of the 
 disagreeable results when the facts came out and 
 he bitterly blamed the boy ; yet, there was his 
 young wife, the tears of happiness streaming 
 down her face; she was his, and as he looked at 
 her he really thought the end justified the 
 means. 
 
 Intending to seize Mike and make him confess 
 the whole thing he looked about for him. The 
 boy was gone. That resource having failed him 
 he finally concluded to tell Mrs. Benson the facts 
 at once and fully and be guided by her. Offet 
 was not the man to take advantage of a misun 
 derstanding for any reason, or to place himself 
 in a false position, and after some difficulty he 
 put the aunt in possession of all his facts and 
 suspicions. 
 
 To his great surprise, the good lady, who had 
 no sympathy for Moffet, looked on the whole 
 thing- as providential and concluded that it 
 was all for the best. She was even pleased that 
 her eyes were not az sharp as they had been 
 twenty years ago and concluded by saying that 
 perhaps, after all, the boy was not so much to 
 blame. 
 
 "All's well that ends well." Through the in 
 tercession of Aunt Benson, Dr. Hammond was
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. >]$ 
 
 appeased, and when, at the wedding breakfast a 
 few days after the marriage he became affection 
 ate and mellow " with much drinking of wine," 
 and murmured " Bless you, my children " the 
 irrepressible Mike was on hand and despite a 
 mouthful of good things, responded with quite a 
 solemn Amen. And Tom Offet and his bloom 
 ing young wife and even the clergyman forgave 
 him for the trick about the license because of 
 his cleverness in making "THE FANLIGHT 
 NOTES." 
 
 The Stenographer ceased reading and folded 
 up the paper amid profound silence. 
 
 " Is that all " said the Engineer in a voice of 
 deep disappointment. 
 
 " What more do you want " answered the nar 
 rator in an injured tone. 
 
 "Well, I. supposed" the other went on, look 
 ing at the company " that that Offet fellow 
 would have got the Mike boy into the railroad 
 company's employ and that he would be now 
 Secretary of the Company if not President or 
 Treasurer. Don't it say so ?" 
 
 " No," said the Stenographer calmly, tying up 
 the manuscript and placing it in his pocket, " he 
 is still with Counsellor Moffet as managing clerk 
 and receives the munificient salary of $9 a 
 week." 
 
 " Ah," remarked the Host, " it reads like an 
 able lie, but of course, it isn't. What a great 
 pity that he was left an orphan at such an early 
 age, that his father died so young." 
 
 " How so?" queried the Coroner. 
 
 " I am morally certain," murmured the Host, 
 " that your late clerk was that boy's father." 
 
 The meeting adjourned in great disorder.
 
 74 THE ODDITJKS OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE DEAD MAN'S NOTES. THE ENGINEER'S STORY. 
 
 HE parties met pursuant to adjournment. 
 Present, the Host, the Coroner, Engineer 
 Whitcomb, the Stenographer, the Lawyer and 
 the Real Estate man. 
 
 The proceedings were opened by the remark 
 from the Host, " Now, then," addressed to the 
 Engineer. 
 
 The latter shifted uneasily in his seat, moved 
 his left foot over his right, and after a moment's 
 thought began : 
 
 " I am afraid, gentlemen, that you have slowed 
 up at the wrong station. I might open the 
 throttle and give you a straight run, concerning 
 an odd instance about the rail for I, in common 
 with others in a business supposed to be ex 
 tremely hazardous, but which in reality is only 
 exciting and enticing have met with some 
 curious events in my time. But it appears to 
 me that you expect something upon the subject 
 of stenography, and though I have made many 
 dangerous curves, straight dashes, have been 
 behind time, got off the track and made full 
 stops as often as anyone, yet short hand is a 
 subject of which I know very little and about 
 which I care less. Notwithstanding this, I think 
 to-night I am in a position to run off a short and 
 quite interesting incident, but I do so under dis 
 patchers' orders, and, at second hand. 
 
 " Some years ago I ran the special between
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 75 
 
 Montery and Philippsburgh on the G. O. P. As 
 my real tour of duty did not commence till we 
 reached the latter place I often whiled away the 
 thirty minutes' run when I was not with the en 
 gineer or in the caboose, in the mail-car, watch 
 ing Tom Mulligan, the mail clerk, as he sorted 
 the letters. Tom was a very decent fellow and 
 a man in many respects after my own heart. In 
 order to understand my feelings towards Mulli 
 gan, I should say first that there was a dashing 
 young widow with an equally dashing daughter 
 who kept the hotel known as the ' Train Men's 
 Retreat,' a very respectable and well conducted 
 hotel at Philippsburgh, much frequented by 
 railroad men. It was before Tom married the 
 daughter, and I was keeping company with the 
 widow. I supposed at the time that he was mak 
 ing up to the widow, and he believed I was 
 throwing sheep's eyes at the daughter, and of 
 course, there was hot rivalry between us and 
 some feeling in consequence; but when he slipped 
 out one night with the daughter, got coupled and 
 returned in time to have an understanding with 
 me and to tell me ' to go in and win,' and that 
 he would use his influence with the mother in 
 my behalf, we clasped hands and from being 
 rivals oecame fast friends, and have remained so 
 to this day. 
 
 "Mulligan left the position of mail agent, very 
 suddenly, to accept something better, 'just be 
 fore he married this girl, as I have stated, and 
 he is now a rising man in Chicago." 
 
 "How about the widow?" said the Host 
 softly. 
 
 "Somehow," answered the Engineer with a
 
 76 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 sigh, " I did not ' ketch on, ' although it was not 
 Mull.'s fault. It was the widow herself. The 
 late lamented had been on the road and she was 
 afraid of train men, she said. He was like that 
 fellow that lost the fight last week." 
 
 "How so?" inquired the Host. 
 
 "He was over-trained," answered the Engi 
 neer with another deep sigh, " fell under it, 
 running ' wild cat.' " 
 
 The Host seemed to be much interested in 
 the door-frame at which he gazed steadily under 
 the pitying glances of the others. 
 
 The Engineer resumed : " While we were 
 keeping company I think it was one Sunday 
 night, the widow had been singing the old hymn 
 ' Shall we know each other there,' that brought 
 up the subject of whether people follow their 
 earthly vocations in the other world, and she 
 wondered if her ' dear Harry ' was still an engi 
 neer. So I in joke suggested perhaps he was a 
 fireman, and do you know she afterwards sent 
 me a note about her fear of engineers, quoting 
 Bludso, ' them engineers is all purty much 
 alike,' etc., and that I was so fond of joking, I 
 might ' brake ' her heart, etc., and the thing fell 
 through." The Engineer sighed deeply several 
 times and after a pause went on : 
 
 " Mull, was a trump. Without doubt he was 
 the most truthful man I have ever known, ex 
 cept perhaps, you two gentlemen" (here the En 
 gineer laid his hand on his left breast and 
 bowed politely in the direction of the Coroner 
 and the Stenographer. The salute was returned 
 with great dignity by the individuals referred to). 
 
 "Before Mull.'s departure for the West, sever-
 
 THfi ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 77 
 
 al of his friends including myself, invited him 
 to the parlor of the hotel and presented him 
 with a diamond shirtstud. We had a royal time 
 of it that night, and I took occasion to ask him 
 quietly how it was that he got over the widow's 
 objection to his marrying her daughter on ac 
 count of his poverty. He told me that the 
 story was too long to relate then, but after he 
 got settled in the West he would send me a long 
 letter giving me a truthful account of how he 
 ' struck it.' Mulligan was as good as hjs word, 
 and sent me this package." 
 
 
 Dead Man's Notes. That gentleman then seized the fire-tongs a/<3 
 
 with averted face grasped the package and holding it at 
 
 arm's length laid it iu the Lawyer's lap. 
 
 The Engineer took a wad of paper from his 
 pistol pocket which action seemed to relieve the 
 company greatly as the bulge had looked sus 
 picious, and tossed it to the Host, who shuddered 
 and- dodged as the bundle dropped to the floor. 
 That gentleman then seized the fire-tongs and 
 with averted face grasped the package and hold 
 ing it at arm's length laid it in the Lawyer's lap. 
 He in turn trembled and became pale, but as no
 
 78 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 one offered to relieve him he opened the package. 
 A rising voice being taken as to whether or not 
 he should read it, he was left sitting, the other 
 chairmen declaring that the thing was carried 
 with "unanimous animosity." 
 
 The Lawyer cleared his throat and began fal 
 tering through the awful recital. Happily his 
 voice grew stronger as he proceeded in reading 
 the narrative of 
 
 THE DEAD MAN'S NOTES. 
 
 I am a mail clerk. Any person who would 
 take even a casual glance at me would surmise 
 at once that if a clerk at all I was a male clerk, 
 but no one would take me to be a clerk by the 
 smallness and softness of my hands, because 
 they are neither small nor soft. I am a believer 
 in the sentiment of the old song, "A fig for your 
 lord with his soft silken hand," for I am both 
 hard-fisted and hard-headed and can give and 
 take as much in the way of hard knocks as most 
 men. 
 
 To begin with, I was born quite young, like 
 most fellows, and owing to the early death of 
 my parents was left to shift for myself. As long 
 as I can remember, my life has been one of 
 bustle and hustle up to a week before I mar 
 ried my present wife, Mrs. Mulligan, if you 
 please. Then the event occurred which forms 
 the subject of this little story, and which was 
 the foundation of my present serenity and the 
 first real streak' of what little financial success I 
 ever reached. 
 
 As I have stated I have been hustling since I 
 was born, and worked at whatsoever my hands
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 79 
 
 found to do. From a bootblack to a newsboy, 
 then an errand boy in an office, a butcher's as 
 sistant ; I did a horse's work in a grocery, was a 
 stripper in a tobacco house, a farmer's help, a 
 factory hand, a boat builder, a porter, a printer, 
 a clerk, in fact I worked at about everything in 
 turn and was nothing long except poor. The 
 reason I followed these various employments 
 was not because I was not apt to learn the proper 
 use of hands and head, but because I could not 
 afford to be idle and when one thing failed I 
 took up another. It was work or starve with me 
 and of the two evils I chose the least. I think 
 the bulk of my time was spent in a country 
 printing office, where I started as a " devil " and 
 raised Cain. Here I arose to the dignity of a 
 " sub," on one or two memorable occasions, 
 when the editor's wife was ill and the rest of the 
 office had gone to the circus on free passes. Dur 
 ing my stay in the printing office I took up the 
 study of telegraphy by the Morse system, and 
 tackled stenography having found a discarded 
 book on that subject in the lodging house where 
 I stopped. While employed in the printing- 
 office as a " galley " slave, I pursued this study 
 assiduously, but never reached any very alarming 
 speed, although I could read notes well, in fact, 
 in a manner surprising to myself. 
 
 Indeed, the more obtuse the notes seemed, 
 the better I liked them, and unless they were ab 
 solutely shocking I could generally make a fair 
 transcript. As I say I never could write with 
 anything like half speed. I not only could read 
 bad notes but could decipher probably the 
 worst writing that was ever handed in to a news-
 
 8o THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 paper office, and, I think, the most execrable 
 scrawls ever made are those that come into the 
 office of a country newspaper. When anything 
 unusually atrocious reached us, on which the 
 compositors failed, my services were called into 
 requisition and I do not now remember an in 
 stance where I failed to make out, if not exactly 
 what the writer meant, something so near it, that 
 I never heard any complaint. 
 
 Puzzles in writing, rebuses, riddles and cryp 
 tographs were my delight, and the more abstruse, 
 the more pleasant to me when I got at the hidden 
 meaning. This faculty or facility, if it may be 
 called so, made me somewhat famous on a small 
 scale, and through the influence of a friend, I 
 was billetted on the po.st-office of as an as 
 sorting clerk where my known skill in decipher 
 ing poor writing was put to the severest tests. 
 My singular facility in this direction was soon 
 observed by my superiors, and I was in demand. 
 Becoming proud of this appreciation of my 
 ability, I began to dip into the subject deeply. 
 
 I studied cipher codes, I endeavored to unravel 
 cryptographs or cryptograms and various me 
 thods of secret communication I took a shy at, 
 and was much interested in the subject. 
 
 During this course of study I formed the the 
 ory which I believe to be the true one, that there 
 is no system of secret communication which 
 cannot be deciphered if one has the patience 
 to keep at it. 
 
 In other words, I am a strict believer in the 
 authority that holds it to be doubtful whether 
 human ingenuity can construct an enigma of a 
 kind which human ingenuity cannot by proper 
 application resolve.
 
 THE ODDITIES OB' SHORT HAND. 8l 
 
 There is a key to every lock and it can be 
 found by a diligent and persevering search. I 
 felt confident of this and encouraged by it; and, 
 many a night while other young men of my ac 
 quaintance were off at a ball or a theatre seeking 
 legitimate recreation after the labors of the day, 
 I spent poring over some wretched code or 
 mystery in writing, which even when unraveled 
 was not worth the candle.
 
 82 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND, 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE DEAD MAN'S NOTES Continued. 
 
 jURING my stay at the post-office at 
 
 a middle-aged gentleman frequently called 
 for mail addressed to the office to Charles H. 
 Rumsby as he described himself to be, and on 
 several occasions I was at the delivery window 
 as relief clerk when the man whose duty it was 
 to attend there was absent or otherwise engaged. 
 
 After this party had called for mail two or 
 three times, I began to know him, and could 
 always inform him as he came up to the door 
 way, even before he approached my window, 
 whether there was anything for him. Once or 
 twice I saw postal cards addressed to him writ 
 ten in a system of stenography that I knew 
 something of. I was pleased to know that he 
 was acquainted with the art and pleasantly bid 
 him the time of day when he called. The fact 
 that he received such cards convinced me that 
 he was one of the craft, and we struck up quite 
 an acquaintance. 
 
 If the truth must be told I sometimes looked 
 at the message on such postal cards ; I do not 
 say that this was fair or even decent. But while 
 it would be despicable or perhaps dishonorable 
 in another person it was, I think, justifiable in 
 my case (I was authorized sometimes to open 
 even enclosed letters and read them), and having 
 this craze I tell you about for detecting the 
 medium used in secret communications I thought
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 83 
 
 perhaps well, the question of ethics I will not 
 go into now. I do say this, however, I never 
 read a card sent to another person which had 
 been written in good, plain handwriting. But 
 the moment I saw anything like an attempt of 
 secrecy, I confess, I did try to g :t at the bottom 
 of it, not to serve any object of my own, but 
 just to know on the principle, I suppose, that 
 forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. 
 
 I think it was on the last occasion when Mr. 
 Rumsby called for mail, that I was at the deliv 
 ery window. He was accompanied on that call 
 by a tall young man. I had a postal card for 
 him covered with stenographic characters, and 
 handed it out. He took it, read it, and gave it 
 to the other party, saying, " Look here, Smith." 
 Both laughed and walked off. I naturally con 
 cluded at once that his friend was an artist in 
 crooks and curves also. The incident was soon 
 out of my mind. 
 
 Some months after that I was promoted to 
 the position of mail clerk on the G. O. P. Rail 
 road, where we took on all the mail for the gen 
 eral P. O. at . It was my duty to sort 
 
 and classify this mail matter en route. When 
 not engaged in this work I could read the 
 papers, smoke, chat or pass the time in whatever 
 way suited my fancy. 
 
 Now, I am no great hand to read newspapers, 
 strange to say, but it happened that I found a 
 half sheet of the New York Sun which some 
 passenger had thrown in a vacant scat in one of 
 the cars, and as I was at leisure I took a glance 
 at it. I was about to throw it aside, when one 
 paragraph caught my eye. It was this :
 
 84 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " The drowned oodv of the man taken from the 
 water off Sandy Bench as stated in these columns 
 last Tuesday, was Identified as that of Charles H. 
 Kumsby, a resident of Phillipshurgh. It is not known 
 positively whether the drowning was the result of 
 accident or a deliberate suicide. The fact that the 
 dead man's clothing, containing his papers and valu 
 ables was left in the bathing-house, would seem to 
 set at rest the suicide theory. It is said that the de 
 ceased carried a large amount of insurance on his 
 life. The Coroner was notified." 
 
 I started to think where I had heard that 
 name, and after a minute's pause it came to me ; 
 it was the gentleman who used to call for the 
 
 Mull, puzzled. 
 
 mail at , the man who got the postal cards 
 
 in short hand. " Poor fellow," I thought, " that 
 ends it all." 
 
 I dismissed the subject from my mind, or 
 thought I had done so. I started after we took 
 
 on the bag at to sort the mail, and found 
 
 in it one postal card in short hand, but not ap 
 parently in any system with which I was ac-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 8$ 
 
 quainted, and addressed to some one named 
 Smith. I laid it aside, intending to take another 
 look at it when I had more leisure, but Engineer 
 Whitcomb and others came in and began talk 
 ing about that widow, the fine eyes she had, &c., 
 and before I knew the mail bag had to be locked 
 so as to be " snatched " at the next station, and 
 it was time to put the card in. I would have 
 liked to read it, but could'not delay its delivery, 
 even to satisfy my curiosity. 
 
 I merely mention the fact of receiving that 
 card here because it brought to my mind vividly 
 poor Rumsby and his calling at my window at 
 the office so hale and hearty a few weeks before. 
 Well, I got thinking over this, and do you know 
 I went and got the scrap of paper I had been 
 reading and looked at the date. It was the i5th; 
 that was Friday. The " Tuesday last " referred 
 to in the account was the i2th. I became in 
 terested, tried all I could to get the paper of the 
 1 2th, and after some difficulty succeeded. Open 
 ing it quickly my eyes soon caught the heading, 
 "A Sad Case of Drowning." I read it carefully, 
 but gleaned no additional facts from the ac 
 count. It differed in no particular from what I 
 had read in the issue of the i5th, save in the 
 statement that the deceased was accompanied to 
 the watering place by Mr. J. L. Smith, and was 
 unmarried ; that he was an expert swimmer, 
 and it was supposed that he was carried out by 
 the undertow and met his death as above stated. 
 
 I was in doubt whether to try and forget the 
 whole thing or to go into it deeper. I was con 
 vinced now that the deceased was my chance 
 acquaintance of the post office window, and that
 
 86 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 the Smith who accompanied him on the fatal day 
 was the young fellow to whom he had shown 
 the postal card the last time I had seen him 
 alive. I was really grieved for the poor gentle 
 man. 
 
 Carried out, I thought, by the undertow, to 
 die a lonely, horrible death in the awful expanse 
 of the angry waters. Above him the sky, and 
 about him the cold, treacherous, unfathomed 
 and relentless waves, in whose awful roar the 
 shriek of the exhausted, dying man was lost. 
 
 Oh ! it was terrible ! 
 
 The mere fact that he was a dextrous swim 
 mer simply prolonged his sufferings. 
 
 I endeavored again to dismiss the subject from 
 my mind, but as much as I tried it seemed to be 
 utterly impossible. 
 
 The hideous picture of the strong swimmer in 
 his agony, the gallant struggle in the seething 
 waters, the final gasp of the exhausted man, the 
 white face and stiffened form tossed about on 
 the mountainous waves of the ocean, and finally 
 the ghastly, bloated, stiffened corpse thrown up 
 on the beach at Sandy Bar I shuddered. The 
 more I endeavored to get rid of it the worse it 
 got. I even think that I would have attended 
 the inquest, but as my duties did not permit me 
 to do this I did the next best or worst thing, that 
 is, invested in a daily paper and read the pro 
 ceedings before the Coroner. 
 
 The account was quite short. J. L. Smith de 
 posed that he accompanied the deceased to the 
 beach ; that the deceased went in for a bath ; 
 swam some distance beyond the safety lines ; 
 then he suddenly threw up his hands with a 
 shriek, and that was all.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 87 
 
 By the time he (witness) had found and noti 
 fied the bathing-house keeper, who in turn had 
 found the life saver, who in turn had found the 
 life boat, and had gone to where the deceased 
 had disappeared, there was nothing to be seen, 
 of course. And I said to myself, sarcastically, 
 Of course not ! Oh, no ! The deceased left no 
 hole in the water, not even a note on the waves, 
 or an anchored buoy, or anything by which he 
 could be traced; and the jury returned the same 
 old verdict of "accidental drowning." In my 
 opinion if they would hang a bathing house 
 keeper or two for malfeasance, or misfeasance, 
 or nonfeasance, or something, or even fine them 
 fifty dollars and collect the hard cash for every 
 time some poor creature lost his life under such 
 circumstances, because the appliances or remedy 
 for life-saving (that is, the man and the boat) 
 are not on hand when wanted, it would reduce 
 the accidental drownings at watering places by 
 about ninety-five per cent. 
 
 I wrote this when the thing occurred and I was 
 hot and full of the subject, having heard of so 
 many such casualties, and I hope you will pardon 
 me for this angry digression. 
 
 There was one little statement in the account 
 of the inquest that made me mad yes, mad ! 
 It was this : " The proceedings were watched by 
 Shrewd & Grippe, attorneys for various life in 
 surance companies in whom it is said the de 
 ceased had policies on his life for a large amount." 
 
 I finished reading the account and tried again 
 to dismiss the whole thing from my mind ; I 
 tossed the paper out of the car window ; J wanted 
 to forget it. I might as well try to fly.
 
 00 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 You know the trouble which a person some 
 times has to get rid of a distasteful thought, or 
 of a tune which you hate yet catch yourself 
 whistling or humming. You stop suddenly, dis 
 gusted at yourself, and determined not to, and in 
 less than two minutes you are at it again. That 
 was my case exactly about this matter. Then I 
 took the other course, and devoted all my spare 
 time to it went into it thoroughly, thinking 
 that perhaps I could wear the thing out by that 
 means. I eagerly scanned the papers for any 
 further account of the case, and after a while 
 found about two lines in the New York Herald 
 to the effect that " the policies had not yet been 
 paid on the life of the late Charles H. Rumsby 
 to Mr. J. L. Smith, the dead man's beneficiary, 
 as the companies were not wholly satisfied." I 
 laughed at this, wondering what would satisfy 
 companies in paying out money. There were 
 the policies, premiums all paid and regular, and 
 the man's dead body. Of course, I said, they 
 were corporations, and if they could prove that 
 the man had been killed several years previously 
 in a railroad accident, or that such a person had 
 never existed, or had died in infancy it might 
 work. But they had collected the premiums 
 steadily when due, you see. Ah ! that's a differ 
 ent thing ! They took the man's money right 
 along, and when he wanted his, or his folks did, 
 there was trouble. So, I says, no wonder people 
 sometimes remark that corporations have no 
 souls. 
 
 Well, I had begun to get tired of the whole 
 matter, and I thought it was getting faint in my 
 mind. In a week or two, I dare say, it would
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 89 
 
 have faded away altogether. Then something 
 happened that set my brain working and my 
 nerves tingling. 
 
 While sorting the mail a day or two afterwards 
 I saw a thing and I could hardly tell you what it 
 was. This is what it appeared to be : a U. S. 
 postal card addressed to J. L. Smith, Phillips- 
 burgh, postmarked St. Louis, with a stenographic 
 message on the reverse side. 
 
 This card which I held in my hand was as 
 follows : 
 
 EX? 5 A M A Cr A fft.ift C si 3 A- A 
 
 f
 
 ^Q THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 Smith, as I remembered, was the name of the 
 witness in the Rumsby drowning case the 
 young man who accompanied the deceased to 
 my post-office window and who laughed so 
 pleasantly at poor Rumsby's short hand message. 
 
 I looked at this with all my old curiosity ex 
 cited, and I must confess I did not read it readily. 
 This only stimulated me to get at the bottom 
 facts which I proceeded to do. 
 
 I scrutinized it steadily for several minutes. 
 Then, fearing to be interrupted by Whitcombor 
 some of the others passing through the car, and 
 desiring time to investigate, I searched my 
 pocketbook for a small piece of tracing paper or 
 cloth which I thought I had. 
 
 Having found it I laid it over the card and 
 taking my pencil carefully traced the notes as 
 they appeared through the semi-transparent 
 cloth. 
 
 This copy I cautiously placed in my pocket- 
 book and again took up the card to study the 
 message. It was well I had made the copy. 
 
 Scarcely had I seated myself card in hand 
 again when two or three parties came in to chat. 
 Although desiring much to be left alone I could 
 not order them out ; nor did I care to be seen 
 reading the mail before them, and, as I could do 
 nothing at the time I put the card in the mail 
 bag. 
 
 During that whole day so pre-occupied was I 
 with cogitation on the subject that I was not as 
 quick in sorting as usual and it was all I could 
 do to get the mail ready for " snatching " at the 
 way station. 
 
 When my duty for the day ended I could
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. pi 
 
 scarcely wait to eat before I was up in the quiet 
 of my own little room with a lamp, a magnify 
 ing glass and such things as I might need. It 
 was with a thrill of delight that I took out my 
 facsimile of the card and placed it on the little 
 table. 
 
 As a matter of extra precaution I began first 
 and made two more copies of the tracing and 
 had the fourth about completed when I dis 
 covered that I could read the message in a way. 
 
 This is not surprising. I had- looked at it in 
 the course of the day perhaps twenty times ; 
 had written or traced it four times, so it was 
 no wonder that I read it : but as I say, in a way, 
 that is to say, I failed to make good sense out of 
 it. I carefully wrote down the transcript as I 
 made it out on' this shape : 
 
 I R 2 L 
 ' EDEBAMAGA 10=10 C S1 B AA 
 
 " Divine science gives no influence to direct to the home. 
 Strife is overcome here below ; it shall get the deep ocean to 
 tarry, for the Lord is giver. Each syndicate may keep death 
 down, but pains secure would feel it. 
 
 " 10 verse, on Chap. S1 St. Paul. Addison-Testimony 
 161." 
 
 I read, re-read, studied, worried and pondered 
 over that blessed thing for four mortal hours. 
 It was in vain. I could make nothing else out 
 of it. 
 
 Not being sure that even this was the correct 
 or the apparently correct reading I determined 
 to have that question settled at once. 
 
 Before going on duty next day I took one of 
 the tracings to Mr. David McKoon, a well known 
 stenographer, who roomed with others of the 
 same calling in the Jones Building. Requesting
 
 92 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 a transcript of the notes I promised to call for it 
 in a few hours which I did. 
 
 I do not know, of course, what difficulty that 
 gentleman or his associates had with the cipher 
 but the transcript furnished me was substantially 
 as 1 had already made it with the difference of 
 a word or two. 
 
 As easy as print" By the Card." 
 
 The same request to others of McKoon's pro 
 fession brought from some that it could not be 
 read, it was "jargon " or "buncombe." Others 
 read it in part, and still others made the trans 
 cript or meaning somewhat as McKoon and my 
 self had made it.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 93 
 
 I was by no means sure as I say that even this 
 was correct. 
 
 Looking at the foot of the message I observed 
 what I supposed was a reference to a certain 
 verse and chapter of St. Paul. I then sub 
 mitted it to certain newspaper reporters assum 
 ing of course that they would be thoroughly 
 acquainted with Holy Writ. One of them was 
 too busy to bother with it. Two or three others 
 could not understand what I meant by the 
 " Scriptures." One quoted a passage from 
 Shakespeare and insisted in solemn earnest 
 that it was such and uch a chapter and verse of 
 the Book. 
 
 Still another began as he thought to quote the 
 Bible and got in " Now he laid him down to 
 sleep," &c., as a certain portion of it. 
 
 I even tackled a very clever journalist from 
 Chicago, asking him if he knew anything about 
 St. Paul. Upon his answer that it was a regular 
 one-horse place away behind "our town," I gave 
 the thing up in disgust and started to do my 
 self, what I should have done in the first place, 
 that is : follow the advice of my poor old mother, 
 "Search the Scriptures." 
 
 Well, I searched and searched till grey day 
 came in through the window blinds in the morn 
 ing. I found nothing in St. Paul, or any other 
 epistle or gospel, or anything in the New or Old 
 Testament that seemed to be at all like it. 
 
 I then turned to Addison, and went through 
 the " Spectator," looking for " testimony," any 
 thing and everything from his poems and essays 
 that I could lay hands on. In vain. 
 
 I then counted the words, read them in col-
 
 94 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HANB. 
 
 umns, or tried to, upside down, forwards and 
 backwards, counted the letters ; took the first 
 letter of each word in the transcript, the last, and 
 the middle. It was all useless, and I was just 
 where I started. 
 
 I was utterly baffled, I confess, by the ab- 
 struseness of this seemingly simple message. 
 
 I remembered reading somewhere that to mas 
 ter a thing of this kind the way is to read, if you 
 can, the connected legible characters, and then 
 the difficulty of the thing disappears ; otherwise, 
 there is no alternative but experiment, directed 
 by the probabilities of every device known to 
 him who attempts the solution, till the true one 
 is attained. 
 
 On the whole, this did not seem to be very en 
 couraging, but my course was to keep on. 
 
 I looked long and carefully at the top of the 
 message, at what McKoon, myself, and others 
 had made out to be "odd," or " due, R 2 L." 
 The conclusion I reached was that this meant 
 " odd, right to left." I tried to apply it. No go. 
 Disheartened and vanquished, I thought of giv 
 ing it up, but reconsidered it. No ; you were 
 never yet beaten by any secret code, I said to my 
 self ; you must conquer or burst, Tom, and you 
 never burst. Tried it again the same result. 
 I own I was dispirited to the verge of despair. 
 I have one recourse always to fall back on when 
 everything else fails. I believe it has pulled me 
 through when I had many a close call. That is, 
 prayer. 
 
 Oh ! you wretched skeptic ; you needn't 
 laugh. Try it in a pinrh, and if there is no God, 
 the prayer won't hurt you ; if there is, you may 
 get help.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 95 
 
 I admit that this is a poor argument, yet, it is 
 the only one that reaches some people. 
 
 And, surely, the being who made us is willing 
 to aid even such poor creatures as we are, if he 
 is : 
 
 ' ' Who sees with equal eye, the God of all, 
 A hero perish and a sparrow fall." 
 
 I knelt down to it Whitcomb, you know that 
 my faith is not exactly the same as yours ; older, 
 perhaps but, as I say, I knelt down, invoked 
 help, got up and looked at that insignificant bit 
 of tracing paper again. I intended to fix it in 
 my mind before I went to bed, so that by chance 
 I might dream out the meaning. I turned it, 
 and Oh ! by the Lord Harry, I had it. 
 
 I gave one whoop, and then I shook hands with 
 myself, in imagination. Then I sat down and 
 had a good comfortable smoke, wrote the true 
 transcript out, placed it with the other papers 
 and retired.
 
 96 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND, 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 THE DEAD MAN'S NOTES. Continued. 
 
 TT was some time before I dropped off. I felt 
 the bed shaking under me as I burst out into 
 the most dreadful fits of laughter. I must have 
 spent an hour or two giggling at the newspaper 
 men, at the stenographer, at everything and 
 everybody, including " Yours truly," and at times 
 felt like kicking myself, because I didn't see it 
 before. So palpable, too. 
 
 Next morning, bright and early, I got a letter 
 of introduction to and was at the office of 
 Shrewd & Grippe, the lawyers for the Payupsoon 
 Life Assurance Company, and after what I 
 thought was an interminable wait, the senior 
 partner came in. 
 
 After the usual salutations, I asked him if the 
 company which his firm represented had paid up 
 the policies on the life of Peter Johnson, or any 
 other person who had lost his life by drowning, 
 and, I added, "or was said to have lost it." 
 
 The old lawyer looked at me cautiously and 
 inquiringly. I am not so simple ; I said nothing 
 further, just then. 
 
 He called in his partner and they both got at 
 me, wanting to know what I meant. 
 
 I said this : " I desire to know, gentlemen, if 
 anything is to be paid, and if so, how much, to 
 the heirs of Jones, for instance, or his represen 
 tatives, if he is really dead, and assuming that he 
 had his life insured in such a company. 
 
 "If he is not dead, as claimed," I went on,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 97 
 
 <: and conclusive proof of his existence is given to 
 the company, is the person who furnishes that 
 information entitled to, and will he receive, any 
 recompense for furnishing information of the ex- 
 istence of the insured, and if so, how much ? " 
 
 The younger lawyer, Mr. Grippe, jumped up, 
 all excitement, and shot off his jaw too soon. He 
 blurted out : u Do you know anything about it ? 
 Where is this Charles H. Rumsby, anyhow ? " 
 
 I said, " Who ? " with a deprecating smile, and 
 what I meant to be a blank look of innocent in 
 quiry, that I think convinced the lawyers they 
 had no fool to deal with. 
 
 The senior member, turning to the other, said 
 something in a low tone, and then approaching 
 me, earnestly remarked : 
 
 "Young man, you seem to be a discreet, 
 shrewd and deserving person. It may be that 
 you are justified in asking the question, a ques 
 tion which, from another person, we would con 
 sider highly impertinent ; but, as it is a matter 
 of public knowledge, I feel at liberty to say this 
 much, in strict confidence, to you : 
 
 "The amount involved in the Rumsby case, 
 which, I doubt not, is the case which you are 
 talking a/, is $75,000. 
 
 " The companies have thus far refused payment 
 of the claim, in the honest belief that the assured 
 is not dead. They have now no other legal or 
 technical ground on which to resist the payment 
 of it. 
 
 " We are interested especially in the 
 
 company, and it may be, that if the officers of 
 that company can obtain satisfactory proof 
 which will enable them to resist, honestly anc 1
 
 98 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 honorably, mind you, the payment of the 
 amount of the policy which the assured held in 
 that company $28,000 it is possible that some 
 such arrangement as that you speak of might 
 be made. 
 
 " In all probability," the lawyer went on, 
 " that case will settle the others, and I have no 
 doubt that if the proof is satisfactory and con 
 clusive, the companies will be fair yes, liberal 
 with you. Please remain seated." 
 
 Well, I waited. In less than thirty minutes 
 
 the President of the Insurance Company 
 
 came in, in a state of great excitement, puffing 
 and blowing like a porpoise. 
 
 The matter was cautiously gone over by the 
 lawyer. He said in substance to the president, 
 that this young man (myself) had called, bear 
 ing a letter of .introduction from a friend, and 
 he (the y^.ung man) thought he could perhaps 
 show where there was a fraud being perpetrated 
 or attempted on the company. .Of course, it was 
 only right that if he did so furnished conclu 
 sive information of that fact and saved the com 
 panies the payment of a large amount of money 
 he should be compensated. 
 
 The president listened and bobbed his head 
 up and down over his gold-headed cane at every 
 word. 
 
 He looked at me earnestly, and asked was I 
 the person. I answered in the affirmative, and 
 hastened to assure him that I knew what I was 
 talking about. 
 
 The president then remarked: "Young man, a 
 reward has already been offered in this case of 
 $3,000 for proof such as you claim you have.
 
 0. 
 
 THE oDmxms w i **o*'4!lwlr>. 99 
 
 ' That amount was offered by our own com 
 pany, which has the most at stake. 
 
 " It is true that a drowned body was recovered 
 which was said to answer the description of the 
 insured person, but so far as we can learn there- 
 has been no conclusive identification. 
 
 "I trust I do not discouia^e you too much, 
 young man, when I state that I believe it to be 
 among the bare possibilities only, that you 
 should succeed in furnishing a clue where 
 others, including some of the most expert detec 
 tives, have failed so signally. 
 
 " But, assuming that you succeed, I think 1 
 can safely promise the amount that I have al 
 ready mentioned on behalf of our company, and 
 fully as much more on behalf of the others. Of 
 course, sir, before we lose any time on the ques 
 tion of compensation, we would like to know 
 what is the nature of the proof which you deem 
 so conclusive and of which you are so confi 
 dent." 
 
 ''Draw up a paper," I answered, "and make 
 it short and strong first, and after the paper is 
 ready and signed, I will tell you." 
 
 The president, after a thoughtful pause, said : 
 "This is a very unusual proceeding, sir, but if I 
 consent to this, I cannot bind the company ; I 
 will biad myself personally, and will sign such 
 a paper; but it must be with the provision that 
 if the information is of such a character as to be 
 vague, unsatisfactory or useless, that my written 
 promise is not binding " 
 
 " We will take care of that," interrupted the 
 lawyer. 
 
 Well, after some further hesitation, a paper
 
 IOO THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 was drawn up by which I was to get $6,000 it 
 the proof was such as to enable the insurance 
 companies to successfully resist the payment of 
 "Policies Nos. 109511 and 51736 alleged to be 
 due the legal heirs or representatives of one 
 Charles H. Rumsby, alleged to be dead." 
 
 I read the paper over carefully, after which 
 the lawyer put an endorsement on it, and placed 
 it in his safe " in escrow," he said, whatever 
 that may mean. He then motioned us to pro 
 ceed with our conversation. I looked at them. 
 
 "Now, sir," said the president, "you feel 
 doubtless secure, but I assure you you would be 
 equally so relying on my word. Now, as to the 
 nature of your information. Is it such as will 
 
 " It is the man himself," I cried, with a rising 
 inflection, and I could scarcely keep down my 
 voice in my excitement. 
 
 "How? where? when?" inquired the old law 
 yer, rising. 
 
 The president seemed to be struck helpless. 
 
 "I have his address," I answered. "The man, 
 Charles H. Rumsby, is alive and well ; I have 
 seen a postal card from him since his alleged 
 death. You have nothing to do but take an 
 officer, go to his address, and put your hands 
 upon him." 
 
 The lawyer whistled. The president's mouth 
 opened wide with astonishment and his eyes 
 danced for joy. 
 
 " Where, where, where, is this proof. How did 
 you come by it ? " he cried. 
 
 I took out my tracing paper, and represented 
 first that it was the fac simile of a postal card
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. IOI 
 
 addressed to one J. L. Smith. I produced the 
 testimony adduced at the inquest to show that 
 this Smith was the person who accompanied 
 Rumsby to Sandy Beach on the supposed fatal 
 Sunday. I showed them that the card was writ 
 ten as the post-mark indicated, eleven days after 
 the alleged death, and posted in St. Louis as "a 
 blind." I asserted that it was written by the 
 assured, and that his address was 1072 Beach 
 Street, St. Paul, Minn., where he was quietly 
 awaiting the collection of the "soap," and if 
 they wanted him at once they had only to say 
 the word. 
 
 After some further talk at the request of the 
 president, I went over the whole thing in minute 
 detail and stated my theory to them. To judge 
 by the way the insurance man nodded he was 
 convinced of its truth.
 
 102 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE DEAD MAN*S NOTES. Concluded. 
 
 Ml Y statement or theory was this : Two of 
 * * the conspirators, Rumsby and Smith, 
 went to the beach to bathe, and were seen to 
 enter the water together, after having procured 
 bathing suits and disrobing. Rumsby, an ex 
 ceedingly expert swimmer, floated out of sight 
 of the hundreds of bathers, who in truth paid 
 but little attention to him. He left his clothing, 
 valuables and trinkets in the bathing-house, and 
 his adroit friend was on hand to give the alarm 
 at the proper time. 
 
 Silently and surely the insured made his way 
 by strong swimming to a distant rowboat which 
 if seen from the shore at all appeared to be the 
 merest speck upon the waters. Reaching the 
 " off shore " side of the boat the swimmer was 
 quickly helped on board. Willing hands aided 
 him to to take off the bathing suit, which was at 
 once placed on a "cadaver" that was ready to 
 hand, furnished by Dr. Smith. The key of the 
 bathing house was taken from the wrist of 
 Rumsby and buckled on the stiff arm of the 
 corpse. The " cad.aver" was of such size and 
 general appearance that after the buffetting of 
 the waters, the work of the crabs and fishes it 
 passed without question for the body of the 
 missing man. 
 
 While the insured was clothing himself at his 
 leisure with the apparel provided for him in the 
 yawl it was rowed out still further. The body
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 103 
 
 of the unknown dead was then cast into the 
 deep. After making a wide detour the conspi 
 rators landed miles below the point where seve 
 ral days afterwards the body was picked up. 
 
 The distracted friend Smith, when the proper 
 time came and his companion disappeared, 
 had nothing to do under the circumstances but 
 describe the death cry he deposed to, and the 
 sinking of the sturdy swimmer which of course 
 he did. 
 
 Strangely enough others present at the beach 
 first hinted and then insisted that they observed 
 something of the kind. As you know it is not 
 uncommon when anything dreadfully horrify 
 ing takes place that some who know nothing of 
 the occurrence rush to the front (perhaps to get 
 their names in print), and vehemently assert 
 that they were there and saw it. In time they 
 tell it so often they really believe they are tell 
 ing the truth. So it was in this case. 
 
 The bruised, swollen and fish-eaten body was 
 thrown on the beach by the incoming tide two 
 days subsequently as described in the news 
 papers. 
 
 The bathing-house keeper and his assistants 
 identified the key that hung on the dead man's 
 arm, and the bathing suit in which the stiff 
 body was clothed. They insisted with some de 
 gree of positiveness that the drowned body was 
 that of the man who so foolishly and despite all 
 warnings ventured beyond the life lines and was 
 lost through his own carelessness. 
 
 The great fact that Smith recognized and 
 positively identified the body of his friend, that 
 Rumsby was not seen again, taken in connection
 
 IO4 THE ODtHTIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 with the papers and valuables found in the 
 clothing in the bath-house, the key of which was 
 still on the body, and the other circumstances, 
 not forgetting the hysterical and agonizing sor 
 row of Smith, would be quite enough to con 
 vince anyone as it did the coroner's jury, of Mr. 
 Rumsby's death by drowning. 
 
 Of course there was no doubt of it. 
 
 There was but one question : whether it was 
 suicidal or accidental. 
 
 The coroner's jury mercifully held to the lat 
 ter theory and rendered the somewhat stereo 
 typed but obviously just and proper verdict that 
 appeared in the daily papers under the heading 
 of "A sad case of accidental drowning." 
 
 The arch conspirator from his distant hiding 
 place in the West to which he had proceeded on 
 the afternoon of the " fatal" day, not having 
 heard from his friend and beneficiary became a 
 little anxious to find out just how matters 
 stood, and hence wrote the cipher card to Smith 
 renewing his promise to share the " soap " and 
 all that. 
 
 It was the crudest thing in the world. 
 
 Any one with his eyes in his head, if he had a 
 head fit to hold eyes, could see through it at a 
 glance. 
 
 Here it is in extenso. 
 
 To the obtuse this is abstruse ; yet how ob 
 vious. 
 
 A " house afire " is not more apparent, nor the 
 nasal appendage affixed to your countenance. 
 You can see it at once if you know just how to 
 look. 
 
 The clever fellow locked up the secret but
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 105 
 
 EPZPAMAG-A 10.10 C 51 3 A- A 
 
 r 
 
 foolishly left the key in the lock. Don't you 
 perceive it yet? Well, look at this: 
 
 | R 8 L 
 EDEBAMAGA 10=10 C S1 B A=A 
 
 " What is that perpendicular stroke before the 
 first R R, 2, L ?" It is the character for " odd." 
 
 " What is odd ? " In this case a number that 
 cannot be divided by 2 without a fraction or re 
 mainder. But these are letters, you say. Just 
 so. Consider that the letters are numbers and 
 what have you ?
 
 106 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 A is i ; B is 2 C, 3 ; D, 4, and so on. 
 
 See it now ? No ? Let us test it once more. 
 
 Well, B represents 2 and is even so is D, 4, F. 
 6, etc. But A, i, C, 3, E, 5, etc., are all "odd." 
 Now you see it, of course. To make sure, go 
 through it seriatim from the beginning. A is 
 odd and B is even, and so on alternately. That's 
 plain. Now take all the letters we have called 
 " odd," make a mental note of their numerical 
 position in the alphabet ; reverse this card as 
 you come to them and read what follows from 
 right to left. E (5) "odd," for instance, is re 
 versed and you have : " My dear Smith, secure 
 my " D (4) is even, and read in the usual way 
 is : " things and direct to." Then a misleading 
 comma, and A (i) "odd " again, " new." Invert 
 ed it is " home." 
 
 Go through it all in this manner and you see 
 at a glance that it is really elementary if not ab 
 solutely shallow. Note that the A (i) is either 
 " odd " or even, and reads either way. It is put 
 in simply to prove the rule and fool the mule 
 that attempts to resolve the tangle. Not me. 
 The sagacious old lawyer saw through it in less 
 than two minutes. And the initials of the sig 
 nature "Chay Hay Ray" "C. H. R." resemble so 
 much " 161," yet that in itself is what the boys 
 call "a dead give away." And Oh! the patient way 
 in which I pored and studied over "Addison's 
 Spectator," and looked for " testimony " to find 
 the meaning of one word written twice, when by 
 the application of this simple device I could see 
 with half an eye it was " Minnesota." It makes 
 me savage even now to think of it. 
 
 Now apply the key to the lock and try it. In-
 
 THE ODDITIf.S OF SHORT HAND. lO/ 
 
 sert it carefully and turn. Don't you hear the 
 click ? 
 
 Ah ! it is open, as you see. The obscuration 
 is dispelled. Look : 
 
 " My Dear Smith, secure my things and direct 
 to the new address as given. Did they get the 
 body alone all right in the way as figured ? Are 
 documents in ? Keep shady till the soap comes. 
 We share it. 
 1072 Beech St., St. Paul, Minnesota. Ch. H. R." 
 
 To make it "more definite and certain," as the 
 lawyers said, and so intelligible that he who 
 runs may read, let us put it in good plain print, 
 inverting the words as they are inverted in the 
 cipher. Put your eye on this : 
 
 -TB9Q Xj\[ tiling gjnoas Xui things and direct 
 to the Avau ssajppn SB ua/iS here below. 
 9in Xpoq auore JJB }uSu ui 
 <; 3_iB S}U3tunDOp ui "Keep 
 
 S9UIOO '3AV 9JBqS ^1 
 
 10 U3A9S z qoaag 81 St. Paul, ' 
 
 Ch. H. R. 
 
 The initials of the signature "Chay Hay Ray" 
 I took for 161 so dreadfully like it but a great 
 poet has truly said : " And things are not what 
 they seem." I agree with him. " Addison " and 
 " testimony " are simply two ways of writing 
 " Minnesota." Turn the lower part of the card 
 up and look. 
 
 Well, that is all. 
 
 I made out the cipher to the satisfaction of the 
 interested companies. The conspiracy collapsed 
 like a bursted soap bubble. Neither the " dead "
 
 I&8 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 man nor his beneficiary got the money on the 
 policies. Smith was not arrested, nor was any 
 thing done to apprehend his " pal," Rumsby. 
 They were clever fellows, both ; and, somehow 
 or other, suspecting there was something in the 
 wind, "lit out." 
 
 Of course, the claim on the policies was not 
 pressed to a law suit, and they never got the 
 money. I got mine all right, and, as you know 
 I married the widow's daughter, and here I am 
 as near heaven as I can be in Chicago. 
 
 As the Lawyer ceased reading, a loud 
 shriek from the Host startled the company when 
 that gentleman fell on the floor in an epileptic 
 fit. The Coroner unloosed his clothing and, 
 with the assistance of the others present, suc 
 ceeded after a time in bringing the unfortunate 
 gentleman to, after which the Worshipers at 
 the Shrine of Truth solemnly adjourned.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND, 109 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE BURGLAR'S NOTES 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. 
 
 HE meeting of the 
 worshipers was 
 duly called to 
 order. After 
 some informal 
 chat the Lawyer 
 began : 
 
 " I am about 
 to relate what 
 
 may with propriety call an event " 
 
 " Fable," suggested the Host, in a loud whis 
 per, which brought a warning " sh " from the 
 others and a disdainful glance from the Coun 
 sellor, as, scarcely pausing, he continued, " we 
 will say it happened about twenty years ago." 
 
 11 If ever," murmured the Host, and he was 
 about to add something, but the threatening 
 glances of the others rendered him motionless. 
 This event, the lawyer began in a positive tone, 
 happened about twenty years ago. 
 
 If it had occurred in any other age or country 
 you or those of you who have brains to remem 
 ber (looking steadily at the Host), would easily 
 recall it. But in our time and land, with the 
 multiplicity of crimes and the vast number of 
 newspapers and periodicals that are so active in
 
 IIO THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 hunting down and publishing the details of sen 
 sation after sensation, it is almost impossible to 
 remember any one such event more than a day 
 or two, the only one in the public mind being 
 the last one. 
 
 The occurrence I refer to was known as the 
 robbery of the South Hampton Trust Company. 
 For forty-eight hours the papers teemed with 
 accounts of it, but the blowing up of that steam 
 boat on Lake Erie, in which so many passengers 
 were drowned, overshadowed the occurrence I 
 mention. 
 
 This most gigantic burglary was committed 
 between the hours of 10 o'clock on a Sunday 
 night and 6 A. M. on Monday. The roundsman 
 who had just come on post discovered the jani 
 tor of the building, bound hand and foot, lying 
 across the doorway of the bank. The man was 
 gagged and unconscious. The blood streamed 
 from an ugly cut in his forehead, made, as the 
 officer conjectured, by a "jimmy." 
 
 The " burglar proof " safe was discovered wide 
 open, the heavy iron door broken from its 
 hinges, and the wards of the locks bent and bat 
 tered out of shape. 
 
 Over $500,000 in cash, besides a large quantity 
 of negotiable and non-negotiable securities, ag 
 gregating in total a vast amount nearly a mil 
 lion dollars in cash and notes were taken. 
 
 The Scribe here broke in : "I perceive you are 
 going to show that a stenographer was the 
 guilty party." 
 
 The Lawyer spoke up with some asperity : 
 " Am I not to be allowed to proceed in an or 
 derly manner ? Why anticipate ? "
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. Ill 
 
 The abashed Stenographer said hurriedly : 
 " Oh, certainly excuse me ; I simply inferred 
 that was the idea, because a stenographer would 
 be the only one to take notes." 
 
 The Coroner was on his feet in an instant. 
 " I protest," he said, with some heat, "against 
 any further interruption. We listened quietly 
 to your very transparent fanlight matter, and if 
 this is going to continue it may become my 
 official duty to sit on somebody." 
 
 In profound silence the narrator resumed : 
 " Humming Bird and Howl was the law firm for 
 whom I was managing clerk at the time the 
 well-known criminal lawyers " 
 
 The irrepressible Host inquired : "Ah, did you 
 become one " 
 
 "Do not interrupt me, sir," said the Lawyer in 
 a lofty tone. " I was about to say well-known 
 criminal lawyers meaning lawyers who ap 
 peared, when retained, for criminals, and also 
 for innocent persons accused of crime." 
 
 We were retained by a client who had nearly 
 $40,000 worth of securities among those that 
 had been feloniously taken from the bank vaults, 
 and armed with a letter of authority from our 
 firm, I waited on the Trust Company's officials 
 within an hour or two after the discovery of the 
 crime. 
 
 When I arrived there I found everyone in a 
 state of excitement. On the street a lot of news 
 paper men were cooling their heels, waiting for 
 even the smallest crumb of news for the insati 
 ate appetite of the reading public. They were 
 not permitted to enter the bank where there 
 was a meeting or rather a consultation taking
 
 II THE OD-LMiiES OF SHORT "HAND. 
 
 place among the creditors, directors and officials, 
 and when I showed them for whom I was acting 
 I was allowed to enter the directors' room. I 
 saw there the most woe-begone looking set my 
 eyes ever beheld. It seemed to be assumed that 
 if something were not done immediately to re 
 cover the proceeds of the robbery the company 
 would have to close its doors at once, and it was 
 a question whether the bondsmen of the officials 
 could not be called upon to make good the de 
 ficiency to the creditors to the extent at least of 
 these securities for whose safe keeping they were 
 personally responsible. When I entered the 
 room a well known detective from the central 
 office was giving his theory of how the crime 
 was committed, and was listened to with pro 
 found attention. According to his statement 
 there was a gleam of hope one chance, a small 
 one to be sure, but a chance ; it was embraced 
 in this : The manner in which the burglars had 
 effected an entrance was well known, in fact, one 
 could not help knowing it, for a hole almost 
 large enough to drive a horse and cart through, 
 appeared in the wall at the southwest side of the 
 " strong room." This opening led into the ad 
 joining premises which had been for many 
 months and up to the night preceding the rob 
 bery, ostensibly an innocent-looking segar store. 
 The occupants of this store, who were supposed 
 to be honest but were now non-est, were a Ger 
 man lady,her husband and her brother. They were 
 gone, bag and baggage, leaving this large jagged 
 hole in the waL 1 and quite a large hole in the 
 " resources " of the South Hampton. It was the 
 detective's belief that they were members of a
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 113 
 
 gang who for some time having covetous eyes 
 on the well filled bank vaults had taken this 
 simple method of reaching the " swag." The 
 officer stated that although apparently conduct 
 ing a quiet and respectable business they had 
 been in reality engaged for several months cut 
 ting through the solid three-foot wall between 
 the vault room and the premises which they had 
 hired as a vantage ground from which to work 
 in order to safely complete the "job." Carefully 
 and cautiously they had carried off the debris 
 until a thin partition remained between their 
 premises and the " strong room." He explained 
 all this very clearly and we saw how it was done. 
 The work was doubtless performed in the silent 
 watches of the night ; little particles of the wall 
 were quietly picked out piece by piece, the bricks 
 taken out whole, if possible or lifted out in bits. 
 Just below the opening there were several pieces 
 of old carpet and a quantity of cotton waste the 
 utility of which was to deaden the sound of the 
 falling debris. So that when particles of bricks 
 or mortar accidentally fell out of the wall, while 
 being pried out or worked at with the crow-bar 
 or cold chisel, if not caught by willing hands be 
 fore they reached the floor they simply dropped 
 on this thick covering as softly and noiselessly 
 as bits of paper or flakes of snow. You know 
 Ivhat some poet says of the ballot : 
 
 " It falls as lightly as the snow, 
 
 Upon the hardened winter sod ; 
 And executes the freeman's wish, 
 As lightning does the will of God. ' ' 
 
 Of course this doesn't seem to apply, for the 
 fellows were not working out anything so sublime
 
 IT4 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 as the designs of providence, but in the language 
 of the street they "got there" as the dismantled 
 safe, the frightened creditors, the woe-begone 
 directors and the missing " boodle" amply testi 
 fied. On the Sunday night of the robbery, the 
 slight four inches of brick wall remaining, after 
 the long, patient and steady work of digging, 
 went down at once before the crow-bars of the 
 sturdy fellows and the rest was easy. It was 
 conjectured that the janitor, hearing the noise, 
 was about to go into the vault room through the 
 door way, and as he entered, one of the gang on 
 watch, dropped a heavy bar on the unfortunate 
 man's head, and he never knew what struck 
 him. 
 
 Efforts had been made to revive him, with the 
 hope that he would be able to give a description 
 of the parties or throw some light on the matter. 
 The man died within a day or two even while 
 the doctors were working over him and the 
 secret, if he possessed any, was undivulged. It 
 seemed plain that the poor fellow's death was 
 due to his fidelity. 
 
 The man's name was Michael O'Hara ; he had 
 been assisted in his duties by his brother James, 
 who lived with him in a suite of rooms in the up 
 per part of the building. Unfortunately, or 
 perhaps fortunately for himself, James was ab 
 sent on the night of the robbery and did not re 
 turn till gray day in the morning. He reached 
 the scene as the officer on post was lifting his 
 unfortunate brother from the pool of blood which 
 had oozed from his dreadful wound. Thus 
 there was no one who had positive knowledge 
 about the matter. The two employees to whom
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 115 
 
 we might have looked for information, were one 
 in a state of coma, the other in a state of total 
 ignorance and could of course advance no facts in 
 regard to it, so we had only the detective's theory 
 to go upon. 
 
 At the invitation of the officer I, with others, 
 went to the rear end of the cigar store, on a visit 
 of inspection. 
 
 We saw the irregular hole in the wall, about 
 three feet high by two in width, at which the 
 burglars had evidently been working a long 
 time. The detective showed us a. nail in the 
 wall above the opening and a torn map of the 
 United States among the debris. His theory was 
 that each night they gathered up the particles 
 of sand, mortar or brick taken from the wall, 
 packed it securely in cigar boxes and shipped it 
 off as merchandise /. e., cigars. 
 
 During the day the map carefully hung over 
 the battered wall, effectually covered the gang's 
 work from the glance of any casual visitor, who 
 might by chance enter the rear room of the 
 cigar store. Of course no one would ever think 
 of lifting up the map to see if the wall behind it 
 was broken. The opening, in all probability, 
 could have been made by a couple of masons in 
 a day or two, but these shrewd fellows had 
 worked slowly, cautiously and noiselessly, but 
 surely, on it for seven months before they were 
 quite satisfied. They had, without doubt, hired 
 the premises for their felonious purpose, and, 
 while ostensibly pursuing a legitimate business, 
 had successfully carried out what the officer 
 termed the " swiping of the swag." 
 
 This was so apparent as to require only the
 
 Il6 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 bare statement, and the police easily obtained a 
 description of the parties and undertook to fol 
 low them up. They, of course, had at least 
 eight or ten hours start, and, having previously 
 arranged their plans, knew just how to baffle 
 pursuit. It was a " stern chase," and proverb 
 ially a "long " one. Outside of the hope of a 
 speedy apprehension of the guilty parties, the 
 detective's statement gave little encouragement 
 to the directors. The valuables were gone, and 
 how they were taken was not so important as 
 how they ceuld be recovered, if at all. 
 
 The investigation was a sort of Coroner's in 
 quest of little use to the principal party but 
 as a knowledge of how the job was done might 
 throw some light on how it could be undone, the 
 subject the inquest was continued, A mes 
 senger was dispatched to Shadhouse & Co.'s, 
 the safe manufacturers, with a request that a 
 mechanical expert be sent down to examine and 
 report. The man sent by that firm quietly en 
 tered the room while the inspector was still de 
 tailing his theory. The officer pointed out the 
 holes drilled in the door of the safe near the 
 lock, in which the giant powder or dynamite was 
 inserted, and argued that the charge was of 
 such strength that it blew the door completely 
 off the hinges. I agreed with him, and intimat 
 ed that perhaps it was the noise of the concus 
 sion which brought the janitor to the scence of 
 operations. The officer did not accept this 
 theory with alacrity, but hinted that it was sin 
 gular that the steady digging at the wall had 
 been going on for many months without at 
 tracting the attention of either the janitor or his 
 assistant.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 117 
 
 I took a good look at the mechanic as he en 
 tered. Jackson was his name, and from the 
 start, after closely observing his demeanor, I 
 was favorably impressed. 
 
 He came forward when called upon by the 
 treasurer, and, throwing his coat in a corner, 
 
 JACKSON Making a safe conclusion. 
 
 pushed his hat down tight on the back of his 
 head, rolled up his sleeves over a pair of brawny 
 arms, and took a good stare at the safe. He 
 looked at it front face and side face, took a three- 
 quarter view, and then, lying on his back, put 
 his head inside and looked up at what I may call 
 the ceiling or roof of it. Then, with the aid of
 
 Il8 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 an assistant, he raised the iron door from the 
 floor and put it through what I thought to be a 
 thorough examination. Of course I did not 
 know what it all meant, but had full confidence 
 in the fellow. I saw he was a mechanic an 
 artist in his line and while burglars, especially 
 safe breakers, are as smart as they make them, 
 I really believed that if there was any clew to be 
 discovered, or any weak spot in the " job " this 
 clear-eyed mechanic would see it. Aided by his 
 assistant he then placed the door, as well as its 
 battered condition would allow, in its proper 
 position on the safe and stood silent and thought 
 fully staring at the bent wards of the locks. He 
 rubbed his fingers slowly along the nosing of 
 the iron frame in which the wards worked, scru 
 tinized it and tested the combination, of which 
 this is a crude representation : 
 
 He turned the knob that was fast to and part 
 of the inner rim and moved the hands in various 
 directions. He then put his mouth to one of 
 the small holes drilled in the door near the lock 
 and, keeping the other holes closed with his
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 1 19 
 
 finger tips, appeared by the motion of his lips 
 and the hollows in his cheeks to b~ drawing air 
 through it. 
 
 Then the assistant, under his directions, 
 turned the door over face down on the floor, 
 and, having placed two round balls under it, 
 moved it about for several minutes, for the life 
 of me I could not guess for what. 
 
 Lifting it again the mechanic bent down and 
 scrutinized the floor with great intentness. We 
 watched him "breathlessly I know I did firmly 
 convinced that he saw something with his keen, 
 mechanical eye that was beyond our ken. 
 
 We were nearly all professional men, and 
 thought we knew or should know much more 
 f ban '' a mere mechanic," but were like infants at 
 the feet of a master blind, groping and fumb 
 ling in the darkness, where this man saw clearly. 
 
 I was then a young fellow ; had lost nothing ; 
 was neither disheartened nor bewildered like 
 the others, and could look calmly and serenely 
 on the whole proceedings ; and I was much in 
 terested in all this. 
 
 After going through this pantomime for some 
 time he uttered one word not even a word it 
 was " Huh ! then stood silent and expectant. 
 
 "Have you made any discovery ?" said one of 
 the directors. 
 
 "Gentlemen," said Jackson, as he took out his 
 pipe, filled it, and, after igniting a match on his 
 thigh, lighted it, and abstractedly, as I supposed, 
 dropped the lighted match in one of the drilled 
 holes of the safe, " gentlemen," he said, slowly, 
 " I cannot give you (puff) anything definite (puff) 
 now (puff) ; I want to make a further test or
 
 120 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 two ; if I can have the use of this room half an 
 hour I will write a report and have it ready for 
 you some time to-day or to-morrow morning." 
 
 " Can you give us anything definite and posi 
 tive ? " said a director. 
 
 ' Oh," answered Jackson, with a smile, " what 
 I give you you can bet on. Scientific theories 
 may or may not be founded on positive facts, 
 but mechanics must be, and are a good deal like 
 figures, when you have them they prove them 
 selves, and you have got something perfectly 
 solid to rest on. I will make the written report." 
 
 We then adjourned to an adjoining room and 
 held a secret session, not even the police officers 
 being present,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 121 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 AS a lawyer representing a large creditor and 
 ** depositor in the bank, who was vitally in 
 terested in the recovery of his securities, I was 
 treated with entire confidence by the directors 
 and my advice freely sought at this strictly 
 private confab. ^ 
 
 The conclusion of the directors and the sense 
 of the meeting was this : Make every effort to 
 recover what could be recovered all if possible ; 
 if not all, or if not the cash, at least the securi 
 ties, or some of them. 
 
 The Trust Company people did not like to at 
 tempt this themselves in fact did not desire to 
 be known in the transaction but they gave 
 me carte blanche and full authority to act in the 
 matter, with the understanding that I was to 
 take no important step without consultation 
 with them. 
 
 The ostensible reason for having me to act 
 was that one of our firm was ill ; the other had, 
 consequently, many important matters to attend 
 to,' and as the directors were somewhat dazed 
 and unable to act cooly, some active person was 
 needed in the emergency. 
 
 The real reason was that neither the members 
 of our firm nor the officials cared to put them 
 selves in the positions of "compounding a 
 felony. ' 
 
 It was supposed that the negotiations to be 
 successful would result in just this, and nothing 
 more.
 
 122 
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 I am free to say this hypothesis was quite cor 
 rect. I was to act with a detective Reynolds, 
 by name and under the direction of our firm, 
 as representing the creditor before mentioned, 
 who was cur client. 
 
 A "community of interests" is, perhaps, as 
 strong as the " cohesive power of public plunder," 
 and in this case it was one against the other. 
 
 Detective Reynolds. 
 
 The main point, as I say, was to avoid even 
 the appearance of compounding a felony, an 
 offence often committed and rarely punished, 
 because ChG proof of its commission must come, 
 in a great measure, from the party who commits 
 it, and, therefore, it doesn tcome.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 123 
 
 That afternoon I called on the president, 
 Mr. Ames, and, while waiting for him, was in 
 troduced to Detective Reynolds. 
 
 We began to compare notes, and mutually 
 agreed on a scheme which he put in practice, of 
 going to theU. S. Internal Revenue Department, 
 to see in what district the segar dealer, Rein- 
 hardt was booked, having already got a descrip 
 tion of the parties from the bank clerks, police 
 officers, and neighbors. 
 
 The Revenue books simply said, " Charles 
 Reinhardt; district 411 ; manufacturer and dealer; 
 factory 999." 
 
 It appeared that he had been a large pur 
 chaser of revenue stamps many of which in all 
 probability had been used on boxes, containing 
 only particles of bricks and lime. 
 
 This goes to show that " the gang " did not 
 consider the question of expense while pursuing 
 their object in order to ward off suspicion. 
 
 The detective then started to go the rounds 
 of the segar an 1 tobacco dealers to discover what 
 could be learned concerning persons answering 
 to the description of either of the suspected 
 parties. He discovered nothing that would aid 
 us at all. 
 
 Subsequently the president came in, and on 
 my asking him for the safe-expert's report, he 
 brought me into his private office, and with an 
 air of great secrecy handed out the document. 
 
 There was not much taste displayed in its 
 " get up." No flaming seals, or red marginal 
 lines or tasty blue-ribbon knots about it. No 
 formalities. 
 
 Not even, "know all men to whom these pre 
 sents doth come." No.
 
 124 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 None of that. It went right into the subject 
 in this way : 
 
 " Gents : That safe of yours v> as neither broken 
 open nor blown open. 
 
 " It was opened by some one who knew the 
 combination and done in the regular way. 
 
 "It was not a combination that could be worked 
 on chance ; there are four movements in it, each 
 one releasing a corner of the two wards ; a man 
 would have twenty-eight hundred and some odd 
 movements to make before he could strike it 
 right. So whoever opened it knew how to go 
 about it. 
 
 " The smashing of the door was done after the 
 stuff was taken to relieve from suspicion who 
 ever gave the combination or opened the safe. 
 
 " The two wards on the door-lock are out of 
 place ; the upper one forced up, the lower one 
 down, not driven in or out. The dents at the nos 
 ing do not come where the wards strike it. They 
 don't chime. They were shoved out of place by 
 the blows of a sledge hammer or pried apart by a 
 jack-screw ; most likely the latter as silent and 
 sure. 
 
 " The holes drilled in the locks never had any 
 powder in and were not intended for any. They 
 don't go through the second iron plate. 
 
 " They are not deep enough and there are too 
 many of them. 
 
 " The japan has no appearance of powder un- 
 consumed or used ; there was none applied. 
 
 " There was no glass broken in the room, and 
 no window left open as is generally the case 
 when a job of that kind is finished up in a hurry. 
 
 " The holes were drilled while the door was
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 125 
 
 lying flat on the floor and off the hinges be 
 cause the marks of the legs or clamps of the 
 heavy toggle lever drill show at the hinges and 
 they could not be inserted between the door and 
 frame at the hinged side if the door was on. 
 
 " There ain't space enough. The door was 
 pried off by being wedge-jammed against the 
 frame which broke the hinges. To conclude, I 
 say that safe wasn't broken open ; it was opened 
 in the usual way and the breaking done after 
 wards as a 'blind.' That is all. 
 " Very truly yours, 
 
 " JOHN C. JACKSON, Locksmith." 
 
 I read this over carefully, re-read, studied it 
 through and when I got a good mental grip of 
 it handed it back. 
 
 The president looked at me inquiringly, "What 
 do you think of that," he whispered, " can it be 
 by any possibility true ? " 
 
 I did not -answer unhesitatingly or positively. 
 I saw that his anxiety was much greater than he 
 cared to admit. 
 
 He had stated to us at the meeting on the 
 previous day that the combination of the safe 
 was known only to himself and the treasurer. 
 
 As one not unfamiliar with the subtleties of the 
 law I supposed that ordinarily bank officials are 
 no more liable for the act of burglars than for 
 the act of God. Ill advised and excited creditors 
 might think differently and be disagreeable. 
 
 There were hints of carelessness in the air ; 
 the good name of the institution as well as the 
 honor and integrity of its officers was at stake. 
 Doubtless there were private or personal papers 
 or securities among those " looted " for the safe-
 
 120 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 keeping of which both the president and treasurer 
 were under heavy bonds. I thought of all this and 
 concluded that suspicion could have no resting 
 place against either of these men. In all proba 
 bility they had protected their bondsmen against 
 possible loss and in any event they would them 
 selves be the sufferers. The theory of guilt was 
 untenable. The slight suspicion that arose in 
 my mind was dissipated at once. Sane men do 
 not rob themselves. 
 
 I finally replied to his question : "Perhaps the 
 mechanic was mistaken; his theory was so totally 
 at variance with tnat advanced by the police that 
 most likely Jackson was wrong." 
 
 A rap at the door interrupted us and in answer 
 to " Come in " police officer Powers entered and 
 laid on the desk a murderous-looking "jimmy" 
 and a scrap of paper with some plaster still ad 
 hering to it. 
 
 The jimmy he had found in the rear of the 
 cigar store, he said, and the paper had been 
 firmly glued to the wall, near the opening. 
 
 In trying to peel it off with his fingers it had 
 become slightly torn at the lower corner, so he 
 took his pocket-knife to remove it and dug it 
 out with patches of mortar still sticking to it. 
 
 The paper and plaster were in this shape : 
 
 All pio ways' 
 this over fine 
 
 let; Destroy Mike, nay not be 
 
 lllntsS Man Jin 1 fresh 
 thinned; Madam %.,, snout 
 
 : 
 
 Seven -or a tire 
 
 i exoopt -_-_ ~ -I-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 127 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 NUT of curiosity I accompanied the officer to 
 ^^ where he said he cut the paper from the 
 wall. 
 
 I wanted to see what were the words preced 
 ing that written on the plaster, just near the 
 edge of the paper at the left, "this over fine." 
 I found -that the wall had been so mutilated 
 with the knife that the white mortar had en 
 tirely disappeared for some distance beyond the 
 space where the man had taken off the lime. 
 
 I inquired if he knew or had observed whether 
 anything else was written on the wall. 
 
 Yes, there was two or three words ; he thought 
 one was "steady," or something like it ; it had 
 an " s " in it, he believed, and he had inserted 
 his knife far enough out to save the piece of wall 
 the words were en, but while trying to dig it 
 loose it broke and fell out ; in his hurry to catch 
 it before it reached the floor he grasped it too 
 roughly in his fingers and it crumbled into 
 sand. 
 
 After carefully taking the thickest of the plas 
 ter from the back of the paper and writing the 
 words that appeared on the lime in his note 
 book, he placed the paper in his pocket-book 
 and said he would return it to me. 
 
 He then indicated where he had found the
 
 128 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 "jimmy," after which he went back to the presi 
 dent's office. 
 
 " I have a theory about this paper," the officer 
 began, as he held it in his hand. 
 
 "Well, sir," said the president, with a faint 
 smile, " this case bids fair to be more or less 
 complicated by theories ; another theory cannot 
 do it any harm. Speak up, sir." 
 
 The officer spoke hesitatingly, " I will give 
 you the grounds of my suspicion ; if it is well 
 founded and there is any a reward assuming 
 that my information is availed of have I your 
 a personal word that if I cannot officially make 
 a claim you will at least reim er re member 
 me ?" 
 
 The president nodded gravely, and the other 
 went on ; " This paper was glued on the wall 
 near the opening on the other side. It is, I 
 think, some sort of secret communication, yet 
 some of it seems plain enough. There are names 
 here and one is " Jim " the other is " Mike." 
 
 Officer Powers paused and looked steadily at 
 Mr. Ames. 
 
 The president remarked, " What of that? " 
 
 '' Well," said the other, " Mike was the name 
 of the janitor, don't you see?" 
 
 " What then ? " 
 
 "Why, he was your janitor." 
 
 " Tut, tut," said the president sharply, " I 
 cannot pretend to misunderstand you, but you 
 surely are not silly enough to claim that you 
 have a well founded suspicion against the man 
 who received his death wound while trying to 
 protect the property of this institution ? That 
 man, as I am informed, will in all probability
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 129 
 
 never recover, and is even now, poor fellow, in 
 his dying agony." 
 
 " But " began the detective. 
 
 " Not a word, sir," said the president sternly, 
 " the man you would point the finger of sus 
 picion at risked his life while at his post of duty, 
 and a suspicion that points in that direction is 
 preposterous and baseless ; nay more, it is des 
 picable and mean to the lowest degree." 
 
 The president spoke hotly, and while honor 
 ing him for it, I wanted to hear what the other 
 had to say. 
 
 I encouraged the officer with a wink and he 
 Went on : 
 
 " If you will listen to me " 
 
 " Even supposing," the president interrupted, 
 " that there were something in your suspicion, if 
 you mean to claim that he would be accessory 
 to such a crime, there is honor among thieves 
 and burglars do not assault each other." 
 
 "But," said, the officer, "suppose it was the 
 intention to simply stun the janitor injure him 
 slightly, then bind and gag him in order to avert 
 suspicion we have all heard of such things 
 perhaps it was done at his own suggestion and 
 that owing to the darkness, the excitement, close 
 proximity of the person, or from some other 
 cause, the blow was unintentionally severe, what 
 do you say then ? " 
 
 The president got on his feet, pale with anger, 
 "I say, sir," he answered, "that your theory is 
 ridiculous, beastly and damnable." 
 
 The police officer stood up in turn in a state 
 of considerable excitement. "Hear me out," 
 he cried. " There was a relative of his here., a
 
 IJO THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 sort of assistant janitor named Jim, wasn't 
 there ? " 
 
 " There is," said the president, impatiently. 
 " There was ; what of that ? " 
 
 " Can you tell me," said the detective, earn 
 estly, "how it comes that those two names are 
 on that paper pasted on the wall, to be seen by 
 no one but those who planned the robbery ? 
 
 " Why is it that the first intelligible words 
 here are : ' Destroy Mike.' He is the one that, 
 according to your statement, the attempt was 
 made to injure, /. e., 'destroy.' Do men of that 
 kind write their intentions on paper and leave 
 the writing where it can be found, or would 
 they be more likely to do the very opposite ? 
 
 "They might as well have written here : ' We 
 will break open such and such a safe and do so 
 and so with the money.' Besides, the reference 
 to the ' man Jim,' these parties being ' clients,' 
 and ' fresh,' is to my mind very suggestive." 
 
 "Tut, man," answered the president contempt 
 uously, " Jim is a very common name, and so is 
 Mike. There are probably thousands of men in 
 this great city bearing those names aye, tens of 
 thousands." 
 
 " I grant you," replied the detective earnestly, 
 emphasizing his words with his index finger, " I 
 grant you that Mike is a common name and that 
 Jim is a common name ; still I say that the con 
 junction of the names of Mike and Jim, the jan 
 itor and assistant janitor of this bank, on a piece 
 of paper in the hands of the gang who burglar 
 ized it is not at all common but quite unusual. 
 Now, what do you think ? " 
 
 The president's face was a study.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 131 
 
 I began to see, and perhaps he did, the subtle 
 force of the detective's argument. 
 
 " I know them both," said the president, after 
 a pause, " I know them long and favorably as 
 honest, faithful, hard-working men. I believe 
 they would lay down their lives to protect this 
 Company, and I trust that I will be the last man 
 in the world to entertain such a dirty, despicable 
 and damnable suspicion against these men, one 
 of whom has shed his life-blood to defend his 
 trust. 
 
 " But, sir, this young gentleman (pointing to 
 myself) has been given charge of the entire mat 
 ter by the directors and officials, and if he thinks 
 it proper that you should do anything, however 
 uncalled for, in the line of your duty, it is not 
 for me to gainsay it. Personally, I shall not 
 touch the matter at all," and with a gruff "good- 
 day " the president stalked out. 
 
 I thought over it and finally concluded it 
 would be wise to follow out the suggestions of 
 the police officer. I applied for a warrant on 
 papers verified by the treasurer, and before many 
 hours passed James O'Hara was under arrest, 
 charged, on information and belief, with being 
 involved as accessory in the gigantic robbery of 
 the Southampton Trust Company. I drew up, 
 as I say, the legal papers. Like other men, I 
 have done mean things in my life, but in all 
 probability that was the meanest thing I ever 
 did. When I think of it now I feel my cheeks 
 reddening, and even now my eyes fill when I re 
 member that I was the one who took the active 
 steps to have a faithful man publicly charged 
 with burglary and dragged by the officers of the
 
 132 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 law from the bosom of his little family and from 
 the still open coffin of a dead brother who had 
 given up his life to protect the property of his 
 employers. 
 
 If I had any doubt of the meanness of the 
 act at the time, I was thoroughly convinced of 
 it when I called on James at the city 
 prison the next day after his arrest. His wife 
 was there with two of his little children, and if 
 there had been an opening in the floor of that 
 cheerless cell large enough for a rat, I think I 
 would have tried to crawl into that hole and pull 
 it in after me. He had been taken, as I say, 
 from the bier of his dead brother. His wife and 
 the widow of the dead man looked to him in 
 their great trial as the father and common pro 
 tector, and while he was locked up in jail, 
 charged with being the aider and abettor of 
 thieves, his friends fell off, and the poor fellow 
 seemed to be deserted by all. Like a stranger 
 in a strange land, he was friendless and alone. 
 
 Owing to the arrest of James there had been 
 a complete revulsion of public feeling, even as 
 to the dead man, a thing which often occurs 
 and is always unaccountable. The day before, 
 the conduct of the deceased janitor had been 
 held up to the admiration of all as that of a 
 faithful servant he was spoken of in the news 
 papers as a martyr to duty ; now his conduct 
 appeared in quite another light ; his untimely 
 taking off was deplored by few or none. 
 
 The impression had gone abroad, through 
 some channel, that he, and perhaps the surviving 
 brother, had been concerned in the felony, and 
 that his violent death was simply an unfortu-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 133 
 
 nate mistake a miscalculation on the part of 
 the criminals, and " served him right " was the 
 general verdict. 
 
 Outside the widow and immediate relatives 
 there were few mourners, and no strangers' tears 
 were shed on the dead man's grave.
 
 134 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 \i/HILE talking to James he casually re- 
 *" marked that the president's private ste 
 nographer knew the combination of the safe. I 
 pressed him to be more explicit on this point, 
 'and he said that he was tolerably sure that on 
 at least one occasion, he had seen Mr. Slocum 
 open it after the other clerks had left the bank. 
 But he (James) was not surprised, as the secre 
 tary had the privilege of the office next to the 
 president himself, and his authority was unques 
 tioned. 
 
 James did recall that one evening, several 
 months previously, after banking hours, when 
 he was cleaning the president's room, Mr. Slo 
 cum came in in great haste saying he had lost 
 or destroyed a theatre ticket. It was some place 
 in the office and he seemed much relieved that 
 the contents of the waste-paper basket had not 
 been removed. Carefully looking through this 
 receptacle, the secretary gathered up several 
 scraps of white paper, which he said resembled 
 the ticket, and departed with a pleasant " good 
 night." 
 
 James thought the pieces did not look much 
 like a theatre ticket to the best of his opinion, 
 but as it was not his business to interfere, he 
 said nothing, and would never have mentioned 
 the matter if I had not drawn it from him.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHOUT HAND. 135 
 
 The following day I saw the President, Mr. 
 Ames, and suggested to him that perchance 
 his private secretary and stenographer knew the 
 combination of the plundered safe. He doubted 
 it. He was pretty positive he had not given it 
 to any one, not even to the treasurer, but he 
 (the treasurer) had it as it was necessary he 
 should, having received it from the manufac 
 turers. Yet if the janitor asserted that Stenog 
 rapher Slocum had it, it was barely possible that 
 he had given it to him. Of course, James in 
 the vault-room, cleaning about, ought to know ; 
 but, on the whole, he thought James was mis 
 taken. He had often opened the safe himself in 
 the morning, and left it unlocked to enable the 
 secretary to get papers from it, and likely 
 enough the janitor might have seen Mr. Slocum 
 on one of these occasions. 
 
 " Oh, by the way," he said, " the secretary 
 has been quite ill for some days and in the ex 
 citement of this catastrophe I fear I have neg 
 lected him. I must go or ask someone to call 
 upon him." 
 
 I cut him short by referring again to the com 
 bination of the safe. " It was sent to me," he 
 said, " by the manufacturers in a note marked 
 ' private and confidential' with a request that I 
 should make a mental note of the combination 
 and then destroy the written directions. I have 
 no copy of it, but if you would like to See it, I 
 will write it for you so that you can have it to 
 morrow, I am in haste to-day. The treasurer 
 has a copy of it and you can see him or call in 
 the morning and get it ; it is certainly of no 
 use to us now." Mr. Ames left me, and as I had
 
 136 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 promised the detective the combination, though 
 for what purpose he wished it, I did not know. 
 I went to the treasurer's room and made the re 
 quest. 
 
 " Oh, certainly," he said, " you can have it, it 
 is of no earthly consequence now, yet it is still 
 under lock and key." 
 
 I accompanied him to a closet, the door of 
 which he unlocked, and, lifting his coat from a 
 nail, he showed me a paper securely pasted on 
 the wall. 
 
 " I kept it here," he said, " fearing that I 
 might forget it or be taken sick during the pre 
 sident's absence, and it would be much easier 
 for me to give some authorized person the key 
 of the closet with directions where to look 
 than to write out or explain the whole combi 
 nation." 
 
 I saw on the wall beneath where his coat hung 
 a scrap of paper which I began to copy. 
 
 " Oh," said he, " take the whole thing right 
 with you ; the next safe will have a different and 
 certainly a better combination take it right 
 along with you. It is no secret now if it ever 
 was." 
 
 He then left and I undertook to remove the 
 paper by inserting my pocket-knife beneath the 
 edge, and finding it was likely to tear I cut 
 deeply into the plaster, and removed what I be 
 lieved was the only written combination of the 
 burglarized safe in existence, outside of the of 
 fice of the manufacturer. I broke away with 
 my fingers most of the heavy plaster attached 
 to it, and carefully placed the scrap in my 
 pocketbook, along with the paper handed me
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 137 
 
 by the police officer on the authority of which 
 we had procured the warrant for the arrest and 
 incarceration of the assistant janitor. This is 
 what the treasurer told me to take from the 
 wall. 
 
 j/"^ To open safe 
 let* Outside nick betwe.en D & < 
 2nd* Inner notch at 11 
 3rd* Long hand to 6 twice 
 4th Shorthand upside down 
 W* M U Treasurer* 
 
 It is, as you observe, signed with his initials, 
 and was kept securely locked in the closet 
 beneath his office coat on the rack.
 
 138 THE ODD1TIKS OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 I SAW Reynolds that afternoon and learned 
 from him that we were at fault. There was 
 not the slightest trace of the tenants of the ad 
 joining store. 
 
 It was as though the ground had opened and 
 swallowed them up. They were a clever set. 
 
 All points were watched and nothing dis 
 covered. 
 
 As a last resort, I, on my own account, inser 
 ted a "personal" in the Herald, promising im 
 munity if the non-negotiable securities taken 
 from the South Hampton Bank were returned to 
 "X. Y. Z." 
 
 Nothing came of it. 
 
 The detective smiled sarcastically when I told 
 him. 
 
 " You promise them immunity," he said, " a 
 safe promise. It must make those fellows laugh. 
 Offer them immunity, that is freedom ; why 
 they've got that now. It is ridiculous. If you 
 had them, or one of them, safely under lock and 
 key, you would be in a position to offer them 
 something for something. Now you offer them 
 nothing for something. What do you take them 
 for? Bah!" 
 
 I was still confident, but he was right. 
 
 Nothing came of it. 
 
 I waited one more day and saw that we were 
 just where we started.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 139 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 \ i JITHIN a day or two the directors were 
 ** called together and negotiations were in 
 progress to reopen the bank for business. 
 
 I called on the president in relation to some 
 minor formalities about it, and stated that there 
 had been a total failure to find a clue to the 
 guilty parties, so far, though, we were hopeful. 
 I remarked, casually : 
 
 " I see you are getting in a new safe ; I hope 
 it will have a combination that will not be in the 
 hands of outsiders." 
 
 " Do you know," he said, smilingly, " that 
 since you spoke to me about it, I have tried to 
 remember the combination of the old safe, and I 
 cannot seem to recall it perfectly ? " 
 
 " Why," I answered, " I have it right here in 
 writing." 
 
 " Let me see it, for curiosity." 
 
 I opened my pocketbook and handed out the 
 original paper, of which the detective had made 
 a copy. 
 
 Mr. Ames looked at it and laughed. " Why 
 this isn't it ; the treasurer didn't give you that, 
 though it is written on our paper. I don't know 
 what it all means Oh," he added, "I guess that 
 is the thing the officer took from the wall the 
 other day, isn't it ? 
 
 " I never took a good look at it before, the
 
 140 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 fellow vexed me so, and by the way, you must 
 take steps at once to release James." 
 
 I interrupted him, as, with some trepidation, I 
 took the paper and glanced at it. Sure enough, 
 it was what the officer had given me, on the 
 strength of which he had made the argument 
 followed by the warrant for and the arrest of the 
 assistant janitor. 
 
 " Mr. Ames," I said, looking him squarely in 
 the eye, " the release of the janitor is a matter of 
 very little consequence just now. I will attend 
 to that if you will answer me one question. You 
 have just said that this was the Trust Com 
 pany's paper. How do you know ? 
 
 " You will understand the importance of this 
 question when I tell you that the release of a 
 humble, and, as you claim, an innocent man, and 
 the clearing of his character, depend upon it. 
 Again I repeat, how do you know ? " 
 
 " I know," he replied, " by the letter-head the 
 lower portion of the letters in 'New York.' 
 
 " Our letter-head is like this - " 
 
 He took a sheet of the bank's note-paper, with 
 the heading, in part : 
 
 Jictrrjplar) M**usf 
 
 " The words ' f^ew ^ or ^5 ' are m script print 
 you see the long tail of the 'Jf,' the curl end 
 ing with a dot, and the same as to a portion of 
 the 'V Look! This is what philosophers call 
 'ocular demonstration.' "
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 141 
 
 Lifting the scrap of paper, he placed it evenly 
 on the letter-head sheet of the Company. 
 
 The little marks which I had before failed to 
 notice, formed the lower portion of the stems of 
 ",y " and "lj," and fitted to a nicety. Very mi 
 nute portions of the (i jrbirV appeared to be 
 completed by letters of the same word on the 
 letter-head. 
 
 There was no room for further doubt. 
 
 I could scarcely repress an exclamation of sat 
 isfaction. He noticed it, wonderingly. 
 
 " Is this very important ? " he asked. 
 
 " It is important in this way," I replied. " I 
 think it tends to prove that the contention of 
 the locksmith was well founded, and that the 
 theory of the police was entirely erroneous. I 
 think that is a settled fact. 
 
 " But again, the janitor is not capable of writ 
 ing a thing of this kind. Whatever it means, it 
 was written by some one in this bank. 
 
 " Somebody gave the combination to these 
 parties, and the question is 'who did it?' But 
 you and the treasurer had it. 
 
 " Neither of you gave it ; yet, this means 
 something, and it is equally true that the Jani 
 tor, were he ever so willing, could not get up a 
 secret code of this kind. 
 
 " Of course, I see no meaning in this tangle 
 of words ; yet, as you say it is on the Bank 
 paper, in the hands of the enemy, and I am con 
 vinced that By the way, have you heard from 
 your stenographer lately ? " 
 
 " Nothing, but that he is convalescent," he re 
 plied, "but I shall call on him 
 
 " No, no," I answered. "Leave it tome. I
 
 142 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 feel convinced that we are on the eve of a dis 
 covery. Do not breathe a word of this for 
 twenty-four hours, and if by that time we are 
 not a great deal wiser than we are now, I will 
 throw up this whole thing." 
 
 I suddenly left the president in a brown 
 study. 
 
 After an interminable wait at the office Rey 
 nolds called, and in a few brief and hurried 
 words I made him acquainted with the late dis 
 covery, and my belief that the secretary knew 
 more than we at first imagined. 
 
 He did not seem much surprised at my state- 
 ment, and I wondered. 
 
 He proceeded to enlighten me. " I have sus 
 pected a certain party from the first. That per 
 son was not at the bank during all the excite 
 ment following the robbery quite ill since the 
 night preceding it. I ' piped ' him. 
 
 " What was his object in being so ill at such a 
 time ? Is it fear that he would inadvertently 
 ' give away ' something ? Why did he go back 
 to the bank after business hours and pick out 
 scraps of paper from the waste basket as a 
 theatre ticket ? 
 
 " Are such tickets white ? How many scraps 
 do you think you could make out of a theatre 
 ticket ? Why tear it ? and how did he know just 
 where to look, or that he had torn it, and put 
 the scraps in that basket ? 
 
 " Is a ticket of that kind a private matter that 
 must be destroyed ? How did he happen to go 
 to the president's room first and find it without 
 looking further ? Was it worth while to return 
 to the bank for a mere ticket that cost perhaps
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 143 
 
 not over a dollar or so ? What good were the 
 pieces ? I have mentally dovetailed many little 
 circumstances, and they seem to fit into each 
 other perfectly on only one theory guilt. 
 
 " Can't you get a letter from the president or 
 a director of the company introducing or recom 
 mending a good doctor to attend the sick man 
 on behalf of the trustees, and at once. I can 
 get the doctor if you can get the letter." 
 
 Reynolds winked, and I believed I saw the 
 scheme. 
 
 In thirty minutes I was at the president's 
 house on Money Hill, and, finding him at home, 
 suggested the propriety of sending a physician 
 to the secretary's house, and after a thoughtful 
 pause he began to prepare the letter. 
 
 I felt that the game was in our hands. 
 
 He had it partly written, and looking up 
 quietly, said : " Who is the doctor ; what name ? " 
 
 " Oh, anything," I said, hurriedly, forgetting 
 myself, and losing sight of the importance of 
 doing the thing right. 
 
 He stopped with a half suspicious look at me, 
 and remarked : " Well, there is no use in sending 
 some nameless quack to see a sick person, for I 
 can give you a note to my family physician, a 
 medical man of high repute." 
 
 "Doctor Jumeau," I ejaculated desperately at 
 a venture. " It is a foreign name, and hard to 
 remember." "Well," he replied, "just as you 
 wish." 
 
 Then he completed and folded the letter. I 
 seized it, rushed out, and at the foot of the stoop 
 ran into the arms of Reynolds. 
 
 I scarcely knew him. He wore a pair of green
 
 144 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 glasses, was elegantly dressed, furbished up ; 
 carried a large professional cane, and appeared 
 to be a very sedate and prosperous looking 
 M. D. " Have you got it," he said in a whisper. 
 
 As I placed the note in his hand he called a 
 cab, and telling me to be at the office at 9 
 o'clock, started for the residence of Private Sec 
 retary Slocum, on the outskirts of the city. 
 
 I waited patiently at the down town rendezvous 
 for him, and in about two hours he joined me. 
 
 " I was just in time," he said, in answer to my 
 look of inquiry, " I think our bird was preparing 
 to fly." 
 
 " I flatter myself if he had any suspicions I 
 allayed them by telling him of the president's 
 solicitude for his physical well-being, and as the 
 bank was to resume on Monday morning, I was 
 commissioned to call professionally in order to 
 ascertain whether he could stand the strain of 
 his regular duties. 
 
 "I think he can. He was a little doubtful him 
 self at first, but to give his doubtfulness the 
 benefit of the doubt I took the liberty of put 
 ting a man on up there, lest something might 
 happen. 
 
 "Meantime prepare your papers and get out 
 your warrant without delay have it at an early 
 hour in the morning." 
 
 I immediately called on the treasurer, got 
 his verification, and soon after Court opened in 
 the morning obtained the committment, placed 
 the papers in the hands of an officer, and before 
 12.30 Mr. Private Secretary and Stenographer 
 Slocum was in quod. 
 
 The detective had a strong impression that
 
 THE ODDITIES OF brtUR'i R.iNI>. 145 
 
 the prisoner would break down and confess if 
 left to himself, and at the suggestion of the of 
 ficer an order was left at the prison that he be 
 strictly secluded if possible. 
 
 We subsequently learned that he was visited 
 by a lawyer at his own request this was an evil 
 that could not be prevented ; but from that mo 
 ment the prisoner seemed to recover backbone.
 
 146 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 |N the following day accompanied by Rey 
 nolds I called at the City prison and had a 
 conversation with the prisoner. He seemed to 
 take the charge of being accessory in the burglary 
 as a cool piece of impudence on our part and 
 hinted that he would discover the active parties 
 and make them suffer for his unjustifiable and 
 uncalled for arrest, and would invoke the strong 
 arm of the law. Becoming quite vehement and 
 indignant on this point, he called it a high 
 handed outrage, I think, and trusted he would 
 have a speedy trial. He finally calmed down 
 and said while willing to assist us in any possi 
 ble way in recovering the securities, he was as 
 innocent as the child unborn and really knew 
 nothing, and so on. 
 
 The detective after some further conversation 
 took a hand in the talk ; " If you .are inclined to 
 own up," he said, " restore the securities, inter 
 ested parties will give all hands immunity; other 
 wise the law will take its course." 
 
 "That is what I desire," Mr. Slocum rejoined ; 
 " Nothing would suit me better, because there 
 is really no proof that I have I do not see how 
 an innocent man can be held for such a das 
 tardly crime when there is really no motive. 
 Had I been one of the guilty parties I certainly 
 should not have waited all this time in the vU
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 147 
 
 cinity. Why, look at my case. Enjoying tie 
 confidence of my employers, nothing to gain 
 and everything to lose. Would anyone suppose 
 I should be the associate of a low gang of bank 
 wreckers with red red hands I may say ; and 
 you seem to want a man to confess when he has 
 nothing to confess. You hint that I gave away 
 the combination." 
 
 " Did I," said the detective quickly, " there is 
 no use in being so quick to deny a charge of 
 which you are not accused." 
 
 The other evidently saw, to use an expressive 
 vulgarism, that he "put his foot in it;" still he 
 was alert enough, too. 
 
 " Well, I heard or read in some of the papers 
 that some one had been accused of some such 
 thing, and that, I suppose, is what you want me 
 to admit. I assure you, gentlemen, you are to 
 tally at fault." 
 
 " Well," remarked the detective, " suppose it 
 was found in the possession of red Red Jerry 
 for instance (he had already hinted to me that 
 the Southampton job was so well managed it 
 was doubtless the work of this noted gentleman 
 and he seemed to mimic the prisoner in the repe 
 tition of the word 'red'). 
 
 " And that something was found in his pos 
 session or he was in such a position that he was 
 about to give the whole thing away ; that is 
 short and " 
 
 "Who says that? "cried the young gentleman, 
 evidently startled, as he glanced quickly and 
 searchingly at the officer, who was about to add, 
 as I supposed, " pointed " or something, " who 
 says I gave a short hand combination ? "
 
 148 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 The detective's eyes grew as large as saucers. 
 The prisoner was seized with a most violent fi> 
 of coughing. 
 
 " Not I," Reynolds remarked, in an innocent 
 off-hand way, " I do not think anybody did." 
 
 The prisoner still coughed violently. 
 
 " It will be best for you," the detective re- 
 sumed earnestly, " to make a clean breast of it 
 at once, and the sooner the better ; this is your 
 last chance. Do you take it?" 
 
 The secretary cast a curious glance at us and 
 I really thought he nodded in acquiescence. 
 
 Before I could get my paper out to prepare 
 his statement, I heard the jailer's voice addressed 
 to someone outside the cell-door, saying, " Put 
 them right on that table there." 
 
 Speaking to the prisoner he said, " The party 
 is here from the restaurant with your lunch. 
 Will you take it now or wait till these gentlemen 
 retire." 
 
 " Oh, certainly, take your lunch at once, sir," 
 I broke in, despite a warning frown from Rey 
 nolds, "we will not interrupt you in that inter 
 esting pastime, by all means take it now." 
 
 I reasoned that we wou-ld find the accused in 
 a much more agreeable mood after a substantial 
 meal ; and that if he had any intention of mak 
 ing a statement he would be much more confi 
 dential over the coffee and cigars. 
 
 I was woefully mistaken. 
 
 " Red," said the detective, giving him a part 
 ing shot as we withdrew to the other side of the 
 room or cell, " is inclined to save himself if he 
 can. But if there is anyone who is to be given 
 the privilege of turning State's evidence and the 
 consequent immunity, you are the man."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 149 
 
 I thought I noticed the prisoner's hands trem 
 ble while Reynolds was speaking ; it may have 
 been only imagination on my part. 
 
 At all events, if he was at all disconcerted he 
 recovered at once. 
 
 We silently watched him as the jailer and 
 waiter both busied themselves getting out the 
 edibles, and if a good appetite is a sign of a 
 good conscience the private stenographer had 
 the conscience of an angel. 
 
 We drew near when he had about concluded 
 the substantial portion of the meal. Then the 
 waiter spoke through the grating, "Will the 
 gentleman finish the dessert so that I can re 
 move the dishes?" 
 
 " Certainly," the gentleman answered, and 
 without another word the lackey handed through 
 the grating a bottle of wine. 
 
 " The boss says that is to keep, " he said 
 and then he passed in a large pie. This the 
 warden received, and before handing it over 
 took up a table knife and ran it around under 
 the crust. The steel passed through it easily, 
 showing that there was no obstruction in its 
 way. 
 
 I surmised that the jailer's action was done 
 with a view of seeing if there was hidden within 
 its innocent exterior a knife, file or deadly 
 weapon. At all events it attracted our attention 
 to it. Apparently satisfied, he laid it before the 
 prisoner. 
 
 I watched the latter when he began at the 
 dessert, and, he seemed to be in great good 
 humor as he gingerly broke off a corner of the 
 rich pastry and began to nibble it.
 
 150 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 Reynolds seemed to be in a brown study. He 
 took out his note-book and with his back to 
 wards the accused, began to tap it as though 
 testing the point of his pencil. 
 
 I noticed several holes made through the up 
 per crust of the pie, evidently with a fork, to le^ 
 the heat enter or allow the steam, when baking, 
 to escape ; and just below these were other holes 
 made with a three-lined fork also, perhaps, indi 
 cating the name of the fruit of which it was 
 composed. 
 
 You know that all pies look alike, except those 
 in which the generic substance is exposed, such 
 as cranberry, custard and the like. In fact, gen 
 erally speaking, a pie is like a pudding, the proof 
 is in the eating ; though it is a little late for the 
 ordinary citizen to find out what the article is 
 when he has spoiled the sale of it ; hence pastry 
 made for restaurants often has its kind indicated 
 as this had. 
 
 Well, the accused nibbled at it, drank two 
 glasses of wine, and having lighted a Concha, 
 lolled back in his chair with a quiet, self-satisfied 
 smile on his handsome face. 
 
 I felt much encouraged and began where we 
 left off. 
 
 " You were about to say that you would make 
 a full, frank and free statement, concerning this 
 matter in short, give the inside facts of this 
 robbery. Please proceed." 
 
 " Sir," he answered coldly, " I said nothing of 
 the kind. If you have any such belief it is en> 
 tirely without foundation. Nothing has occurred 
 here between us to warrant any such conclusion 
 on your part ; quite the contrary."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 151 
 
 '' You intimated an intention," the detective 
 remarked in a conciliatory tone, " that you would 
 make a clean breast of it." 
 
 "Ah," rejoined the other, with a sarcastic 
 smile, " a clean breast of it." " Is this it ? " and 
 he held up the breast bone of a chicken which 
 he had thrown aside, "was that what you re 
 ferred to ? " 
 
 At this I lost my temper and I don't really 
 know what I did say. The more I ranted and 
 swore the more imperturbable the secretary was. 
 I ended by declaring hotly that it was a childish 
 quibble, a subterfuge,*, wriggle, I think I called 
 it ; we would call to-morrow and hoped to find 
 him in a more repentant frame of mind ; I ended 
 by saying that true repentance could not e-:ist 
 without restitution, and if he were still obstin 
 ate, information could be had from a more will 
 ing source. 
 
 I rolled up my still blank paper and we left 
 the prison.
 
 352 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. -Continued. 
 
 Y companion seemed to be considerably 
 displeased as we reached the street. 
 
 " I shall certainly throw up the whole case if 
 I am going to be hampered and thwarted by 
 you in this manner," he began. " You may as 
 well understand that first as last." 
 
 " Why, what's the matter," I rejoined. 
 
 " Matter enough," he answered. " We could 
 have had that statement had it not been for your 
 foolish interference." 
 
 " How when," I interposed, " I certainly did 
 not intend to interfere with you in any way at 
 all." 
 
 " Well, doubtless you meant it for the best,'' 
 he said, somewhat mollified. "But, did you 
 notice that he seemed to be on the point of 
 capitulation just when you suggested that he 
 should have lunch first ? " I nodded unconsci 
 ously. I certainly thought so. 
 
 " Did you see that waiter hand in the wine 
 with the remark that the boss said it was ' to 
 keep ' ? " 
 
 " Yes," I said wonderingly. 
 
 " Well, that bottle was labelled ' Mumm,' the 
 signal was as plain as words could make it, 
 Keep Mumm.' " 
 
 "Ah!" 
 
 " Moreover," he went on, " you heard him
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 153 
 
 mention or let slip the remark about not having 
 given a short hand combination, when there was 
 no suggestion or thought of the kind, and reas 
 oning by contraries, that is probably just what 
 he did do ; and how he changed when he got at 
 the pie you saw the upper crust of it full of ir 
 regular holes I took a copy of it as well as I 
 knew how, and I am going to find out if there 
 is anything in it before I am many hours older : 
 This is it." 
 
 He quickly took out his note-book and showed 
 me the tapping marks he had made while in 
 the prisoner's cell. I studied it long and care 
 fully. 
 
 " There is nothing in that," I said " nothingat 
 all, and nothing in your theory." 
 
 " Of course, there may be nothing in it," he 
 replied, "but in the vernacular of criminals, 
 'peach' means to admit, to inform or confess. 
 I will see what it all means and at once. I have 
 the slips with me and will meet you at your 
 house this evening." 
 
 A curt " So long," and he left me, with my 
 thinking cap on and I imagined that there might 
 be just the faintest glimmer of light' in the dis 
 tance. 
 
 Before finishing tea that evening he was at 
 the house and informed me that he had had an 
 interview with a party down town who was con 
 nected with some court. 
 
 " Have your papers and pen ready, I will have 
 a notary and we will take the prisoner's deposi 
 tion to-morrow at 12 o'clock." 
 
 " You speak confidently ; have you found a 
 lever to move the sphinx ? "
 
 154 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " Yes," he answered, " it is right here." 
 
 I was all impatience. 
 
 " For goodness sake, let me see it." 
 
 " You may smile, perhaps, when you see this 
 lever, but I have no doubt of its strength or 
 efficiency." 
 
 With these words he opened his coat and took 
 from under his arm two tin' plates wrapped in 
 heavy paper and tied tightly face to face with 
 cord. The metal was exposed through an open 
 ing in the paper. 
 
 This package he proceeded to undo in such a 
 slow, leisurely and methodical way that I almost 
 lost patience. Lifting off one of the plates, 
 finally, he disclosed, what do you suppose ? A 
 pie. I repeat it, gentlemen, a pie. Just a plain, 
 every-day, innocent-looking pie. 
 
 " Is it loaded or poisoned ? " I inquired, think 
 ing the man had taken leave of his senses and it 
 might be just as well to humor him. 
 
 " It is not poisoned," he gravely answered, 
 "but I may say it is loaded. At all events, to 
 use your own expression, it is the lever that is 
 to move the sphinx." 
 
 He seemed quite sane while saying this, but 
 the thing struck me as so supremely ridiculous 
 that I dropped in a chair and fairly shrieked 
 with laughter. This continued till the tears ran 
 down my cheeks. I managed at last, between 
 bursts of cachination, to say : " The loss of home 
 and friends, the loss of character, coupled with 
 a prospect of twenty years' imprisonment at 
 hard labor are useless to extort an admission of 
 guilt from a prisoner, but it will be done with a 
 pie. Oh, it is too funny for anything," and I 
 went off again.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 155 
 
 "When you get through with your idiotic 
 guffaw, I will explain it to you." 
 
 His tone was so earnest that I succeeded after 
 a time in recovering composure, and he pro 
 ceeded with a statement which, though singular, 
 was perhaps plausible. 
 
 "After we separated I went down town," 
 he said, " and called on Mr. Schnellschreiber, a 
 personal friend of mine, a stenographer in one 
 of the courts. Having retained him in the case 
 I told him of the wine signal and the prisoner's 
 unguarded statement that he had not given a 
 short hand combination. I laid the two papers 
 before him and showed him the fac simile of the 
 marks on the pie, which seemed so strengthen 
 ing to the prisoner when he was about to weaken. 
 This is it : 
 
 "After a careful study of it, and, of course, with 
 full knowledge of the circumstances, he intima 
 ted, with some degree of positiveness, that it was 
 a communication to the secretary, who was a 
 stenographer, and was just as clear as though it 
 had been in raised letters of gold. It meant 
 ' Do not peach.' This, you see, corroborates 
 my definition as given to you yesterday concern-
 
 156 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 ing the word ' peach,' and, taken in connection 
 with the ' keep mum ' signal, had a strong ten 
 dency to stiffen and strengthen the weak nerves 
 of the prisoner. Do you see it ? " 
 
 I nodded. It was becoming interesting. 
 
 " And Mr. Schnellschriebef suggested that it 
 would be well to try a similar experiment, using 
 another pie with a different inscription. At his 
 direction I procured one, which he signed and 
 sealed, and there it is. What do you think of 
 it?" 
 
 It was a very plain pie, yet the thought struck 
 me that there might be something behind it, and 
 I was doing some tall thinking. 
 
 Reynolds caught his breath and went on : "I 
 also placed the paper which the officer gave you 
 before him and a copy of the treasurer's combi 
 nation, and he promised to do his best to cipher 
 something out, and he will meet us here to-mor 
 row at 9 o'clock A. M. I trust you will not allow 
 your desire to giggle to interfere with your 
 preparations for taking the prisoner's deposition 
 at the luncheon hour to-morrow We will bring 
 a notary along."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 157 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 T CONFESS I was restless, and slept little that 
 * night. Try as I would, I could not get the 
 thing out of my mind. At one minute I was in 
 clined to look at the whole thing as a silly fiction 
 of the detective's fertile brain, a fine-spun lot of 
 nonsense, and the next, when I went over it 
 slowly, piece by piece, it did seem somewhat 
 convincing. At all events a few hours would 
 settle it, and we would see what we would see. 
 
 Reynolds and his friend Schnellschrieber, the 
 stenographer, were on hand the next morning 
 before I was fully dressed, and while the latter 
 was cooly confident, the former was elated. "It 
 is all right," he whispered. " We have got it 
 dead to rights ; Schnellschrieber is a notary, so 
 you needn't bother about that ; get ready and 
 come on." 
 
 He refused to relieve my anxiety by stating 
 further particulars, but bade me possess my soul 
 in patience and wait and see. 
 
 The time wore on somehow, and at the hour 
 appointed we reached the prison. Before enter 
 ing the cell I saw the detective stop and con 
 verse earnestly with the jailer. Reynolds gave 
 him something wrapped in a newspaper that 
 looked not unlike a plate, and shook hands with
 
 158 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 him in a most friendly manner, while we waited 
 for him in the corridor. There he joined us 
 with a very pleasant smile on his face and 
 winked at us as though he had just been ap 
 pointed to some fat office. We were greeted in 
 the politest manner as we entered the cell by 
 the secretary, and I concluded that this time I 
 should not let my impetuosity disarrange what 
 ever plan the others had in mind, and would 
 allow them to handle the delicate matter in their 
 own way. 
 
 The effect of the pie and wine of the previous 
 day was still visible in the imperturbable man 
 ner of the prisoner. In addition to his calm 
 politeness he was much more wary and watchful 
 than he had been. He talked of the idiotic 
 charge against him, and referred with some heat 
 to the heavy damages someone would have to 
 pay because of his unjustifiable confinement, 
 and on the whole I felt somewhat over-awed by 
 him. 
 
 There was no hint of guilt in his words or ac 
 tions ; quite the contrary. And I began to sur 
 mise, that after all, we were entirely mistaken. 
 The detective did not seem to be much surpris 
 ed, and the conversation on various subjects 
 proceeded. My paper was still a virgin blank 
 when the jailer announced that lunch was ready, 
 and as the waiter was called away, he would 
 serve it. The meal was handed in, and Slocum 
 did full justice to it. I watched him closely as 
 the detective was remarking : " You will find 
 that the honest way is the shortest and best, 
 There will be no trouble if you will do the right 
 thing in this matter. I told you yesterday that
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. I$9 
 
 while others might turn State's evidence, it was 
 the desire of your friends that that privilege 
 should be accorded to you in preference to any 
 one." 
 
 The prisoner smiled derisively. 
 
 " If you have any doubt about ' Jerry's ' incli 
 nation we might possibly bring you from parties 
 in a position to know, conclusive proof of it ; 
 but it would take time for that, therefore, take 
 my word and " 
 
 " Here is your pie, sir," interrupted the ward 
 en. "The wine and cigars the waiter had gone 
 for." 
 
 With these words he passed into the cell, and 
 laid down before the prisoner the identical pie 
 which I had seen the night previously in the 
 possession of Reynolds. 
 
 The detective winked at me and the prisoner's 
 demeanor changed in a most surprising manner. 
 Never was there such an alteration. The col 
 lapse was total and unaccountable. He covered 
 his face with his hands, then looking up sud 
 denly, he said, in a low, faltering tone : 
 
 " Well, if the if a you get what you ask for; 
 that is, a statement or a er you know what I 
 mean have you entire authority to promise the 
 er immunity, you speak of ? " 
 
 "It is useless to beat about the bush longer," 
 the detective answered firmly. " lam authorized 
 to make such promise in behalf of those most 
 interested, if you will do your part and inform 
 us where the securities are. Shouid you doubt 
 my word, put it in writing ; you yourself will 
 go scot free, and there will doubtless be some 
 thing put in your way to enable you to go where
 
 l6o THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 you can begin life over again. I understand 
 this is your first false step. You can retrieve 
 yourself and get in the straight path again. Are 
 the securities to be had ? " 
 
 The secretary seemed to be swallowing a 
 lump in his throat. " I will tell take this 
 down," and he began in an almost inaudible 
 way " Rather than have others do it, I will 
 take advantage of your offer." 
 
 He proceeded in a slow, hesitating manner, 
 and finally stated at full length his connection 
 with the matter, which I reduced to writing. It 
 is too long to give in detail here. 
 
 The all important thing for us was the fact 
 that the non-negotiable and most of the other 
 securities were still intact in a tin box at the 
 office of the Safe Deposit Company, and could 
 only be had on the strength of a voucher which 
 he produced. 
 
 The substance of his statement was that the 
 gang took the cash, about $62,000. The securi 
 ties were placed in his charge in the belief that 
 as he knew most about them he could the more 
 readily convert them, &c. 
 
 For over an hour he went right through and 
 told us the whole business. 
 
 It was one of the best planned robberies that 
 was ever carried through in the metropolis. 
 
 The secretary's first false step began at the 
 race-course where he was a heavy loser. He had 
 tried to recoup, as so many others have done by 
 investing what he did not own ; he had met 
 Whang Breaker on the track. Introduction was 
 followed by intimacy, friendship succeeded in 
 timacy and a proposition to surrender the com-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. l6l 
 
 bination of the strong safe was finally agreed 
 on. A scholar like Burchard, the engraver, 
 counterfeiter and polyglot of the gang, wac 
 thoroughly up in many methods of secret writ 
 ing, including stenography. The key was agreed 
 upon and easily mastered by men who have 
 mastered more profound mysteries.
 
 l62 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued, 
 T GOT the sworn statement of the prisoner le- 
 * gaily signed, sealed and acknowledged, and 
 the voucher for the securities from the Safe De 
 posit Company, and after some little delay ob 
 tained them. They were securely sealed, en 
 dorsed : " To be delivered on presentation of 
 the voucher." 
 
 As the box afterward showed there were over 
 $700,000 worth of paper, railroad stocks and 
 bonds, notes, certificates of indebtedness, bonds 
 and mortgages, &c. 
 
 Great as my hurry was to handle the securities 
 I waited long enough to take a careful inspec 
 tion of that miraculous pie. 
 
 I broke off a ccrncr, tasted it and still lived. 
 While on our way for the securities, Schnell- 
 schrieber explained it. It was punched with a 
 fork in this manner : 
 
 A Pie with another inscription. 
 
 As translated for me it said : " Make best 
 terms, Jerry has given up." 
 
 It was only a pie, but " when the pie was 
 opened the bird began to sing."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 163 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 \ . /ELL, I got the tin box and brought it to 
 " the Southampton Trust Company, and, 
 you may be sure there was a genuine love feast 
 among the sedate old trustees when we got 
 there with the valuables. 
 
 The detective was hugged and kissed by those 
 grey-headed old fellows in a way that was shame 
 ful and almost wanton. 
 
 While this mutual admiration society was in 
 session there was an elaborate feast "a spread," 
 Reynolds called it prepared and served in the 
 president's room. Then we had speeches, toasts, 
 &c., I was referred to as the most clever any 
 thing, and Reynolds was promised enough to 
 make him rich for the rest of his life. 
 
 Amid breathless silence Schnellschrieber was 
 called upon and explained the whole cipher. He 
 found it out by the merest chance, he said, al 
 though no one believed this : " I saw the words 
 ' stenography ' reversed after ' 4th,' and happen 
 ing then to look at the other paper, I observed 
 that it said "short hand upside down," and that 
 to be sure is plain enough. It was by the merest 
 chance I discovered that and the rest was easy. 
 A child could see through it. This is the whole 
 thing as plain as a pike-staff.
 
 164 
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 To open safe 
 
 Outside nick 
 Inner notch at li 
 Long hand to 6 twice 
 4th Shorthand upside down 
 * K*. j|* Treasurer* 
 
 ^ 
 
 1st* 
 2nd 
 3rd- 
 
 D & 4 
 
 "Put the burglar's ' key' in short hand char 
 acters according to any of the modern systems 
 of swift writing, ' write and reverse ' the burg 
 lar's key and you have the treasurer's key. 
 
 "In order that you 
 may understand, I 
 now put these 
 scraps in juxtapo 
 sition. 
 
 "First : the one 
 spoken of as the 
 'Treasurer's Key.' 
 Immediately be 
 low it is the paper known as the 'Burglar's Key.' 
 
 "On the upper margin of this, as I am informed, 
 appeared originally a small piece of plaster, 
 containing the words ' this over fine,' but being 
 exceedingly frail or fragile, it had crumbled into 
 dust. A copy of the writing was made, and 
 
 no particular care 
 was exercised to 
 preserve the plas 
 ter containing the 
 simple words, even 
 if it were possible, 
 which I very much 
 
 Seven or a tire \ .V 
 
 doubt. 
 
 "At all events, the 
 portion referred to did not make a complete 
 sentence, and while we do not know just what pre 
 ceded the word 'this,' we can easily imagine that 
 the meaning was a direction or caution. 
 
 "Glancing at these scraps in close proximity, 
 the professional eye will readily discern that the 
 'Burglar's Key' is the 'Treasurer's Key.' 
 
 All pio wayff 
 
 Xrt; Destroy Mike, may not be 
 
 ailnts: Man Jtn | fresh 
 
 Thinned; Madam g T <)%. snout 
 
 4th:
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 165 
 
 "This is manifest. Here it is in stenographic 
 characters : 
 
 except '- - - 
 
 " I reverse this sheet now and read from the 
 right to the left except as the cipher states plainly 
 
 the figures with dashes under them, as 
 
 six of them. 
 
 "To make it more explicit let us take it in sec 
 tions: 'All Plo ways' with the stenographic char 
 acters, I invert the page, vowellize it, ^ _^^ 
 and the reading is, ' To open Safe.'^ \ * 
 
 "The next line is: ist, 
 Destroy I Mike, may 
 
 not be V' with" the 
 
 *-/- . 
 
 proper/ short hand written: 
 
 "Inverted and read towards the left; it indi 
 cates plainly : ' Outside nick between D & 4.' 
 
 "The ' ist' and *4th' come under the excep 
 tion stated and have short dashes beneath them. 
 
 " We recur to the next line. It begins, as you 
 perceive, ' Clients ; Man Jim at fresh/ putting 
 this in stenographic 
 
 characters revers- C " T ". ^~^ /^ \ \/ 
 ing and reading the
 
 166 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 transcription is 'ad: Inner notch at n.' Th.? 
 'at' is made by the short hand ' t ' a recognized 
 'sign word,' and being a single perpendicula' 
 stroke, it is immaterial which side of it is up. 
 
 " We proceed to the following line : ' Thinned, 
 madam 262. ^ ~ Q 1 
 
 snout ;' that is * ; ^ /- ""*\ %1 ^. A' 
 Obviously, the mean : ng is '3rd : Long hand 
 to 6 twice' or '2 times/ and surely I need not 
 say to you that ' two times' is ' twice.' 
 
 " Recurring to the ^ x H * * H o o 
 last line; ' Stenog- 
 
 raphy' as you are all aware is an interchange 
 able word for 'short hand,' and when one sees 
 the sign stenography reversed or inverted in this 
 manner: XqdnjSouaig, he knows without further 
 explanation that it is ' short hand ' upside down. 
 
 Finally, 'seven or a tire' is like this p S~~\ 1 '/ 
 and if you understood ever so ^^ y 
 little about any of the systems of swift writing 
 you would perceive at a glance when you turned 
 the paper and looked at this that it was the key 
 to the whole thing. It is 'write and reverse,' 
 with the exceptions stated. That's all. The 
 entire thing is really elementary, but like many 
 other very simple things you don't comprehend 
 the great simplicity of it till you understand it. 
 
 "Doubtless the words on the wall were, 'Study 
 this over fine' or 'con' or 'read' or some 
 such thing, so that when they got through the 
 wall they just opened the safe at once. It fol 
 lows that the safe expert's report was correct 
 and the police theory all wrong. 
 
 " It is quite ingenious and was fairly well exe 
 cuted.
 
 THE ODDITIES Of SHORT HAND. 167 
 
 "After all you have not lost so much, every 
 thing is lovely, and here is to us all." 
 
 I remember while the applause evoked by 
 Schnellscrieber's clever explanation was at its 
 height I thought of the lonely days of James in 
 prison, the dead janitor, the widow and children, 
 and I am sure some such thought came into Mr. 
 Ames' mind, for I noticed him putting down 
 names and figures on a slip of paper for some 
 good purpose, I know. 
 
 Well, we had what the detective called " a 
 humming old time." 
 
 I myself got pretty well for the one time in 
 my life. The last thing I remember seeing was 
 the treasurer and Jim, the Janitor, waltzing 
 around, while half a dozen venerable looking 
 directors were "patting Juba."
 
 l68 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 THE LAWYER'S STORY. Continued. 
 
 *y HIS most gigantic robbery dwindled down 
 to a loss of less than $70,000. 
 
 I subsequently made it my business to get a 
 thousand dollars from the bank officials and in 
 less than forty-eight hours I slipped it into 
 Slocum's hands as I bade him good-bye at the 
 door of the city prison. There was no proof 
 against him and he was discharged as a matter 
 of course. I have not seen him since but I have 
 heard indirectly that he is an honest man in a 
 distant city, and has succeeded in retrieving his 
 one false step. 
 
 The other parties were never discovered in 
 fact, we didn't look for them and don't want 
 them any more; they got over $60,000. They 
 can keep it and keep themselves away. 
 
 The reader paused. 
 
 " And is that all," said the Host ? 
 
 " No " said the Lawyer, as the smile faded 
 from his face and his voice faltered ; " no," he 
 said softly. "Some balmy spring day you may 
 perchance enter a cemetery not many miles 
 from this great bustling city ; you pass along 
 the broad gravelled carriage drive where the air 
 is laden with the odor of flowers. You see 
 many mounds with great white shafts above 
 them, and many humbler graves marked only 
 with the soft verdure that nature plants on God's 
 acre.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF* SHORT HAND. 1 69 
 
 " Passing through the winding walks of the 
 City of the Dead you at length come to a corner 
 obscure and alone. You see a mound there. 
 Above it a great grey boulder. Behind the 
 stone a small weeping willow tree droops grace 
 fully over the unhewn rock, its slender branches 
 sway and bend in the gentle breeze and almost 
 hide the stone from view. 
 
 " There is a brass plate on the southerly cor 
 ner of the rock, with the inscription, ' Erected 
 by the Officers and Trustees of the Southamp 
 ton Trust Company,' and a long reference to 
 the quiet sleeper beneath the mound. 
 
 " Go closer ; bend low, and lift the swaying 
 branches from the face of the stone, and you see 
 deeply cut in its rugged front : 
 
 of 
 
 JHicljitcL 
 'faithful unto 
 
 The Lawyer turned his back to the company 
 and blew his nose loudly ; the Coroner had his 
 hand over his face, apparently asleep, though his 
 lips were quivering ; the Host seemed to be tak 
 ing motes from his eyes with the corner of his 
 handkerchief ; the Stenographer was intently 
 studying the pattern of the carpet, and the Real 
 Estate Man was silently staring through the 
 window at the dismal darkness of the winter's 
 night. 
 
 The silence was unbroken, save for an occa 
 sional sniff, low and sob-like. 
 
 They were men of many callings, varying 
 creeds and different nationalities, but, " One 
 touch of Nature makes the whole world kin."
 
 fjo 
 
 THE ODDITIKrf OK SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 THE PRISONER'S NOTES. 
 
 *T~HE worshipers were promptly gathered at 
 
 the shrine. 
 
 It being understood that on this evening it 
 was the Real Estate Man's turn to " shoot off his 
 mouth," as the Host expressed it, the other mem 
 bers were filled with curiosity to see how the 
 poor gentleman would acquit himself. 
 
 
 The worshipers were promptly gathered at the shrine. 
 
 After many apologies about a severe cold, 
 which rendered him very hoarse, about the lack 
 of opportunity for preparation, and a piteous 
 appeal for an extension of time, that was prompt 
 ly voted down, the sufferer adjusted his glasses
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 1 71 
 
 at the proper angle, produced a great coil of 
 paper, which, amid the profound silence of the 
 company, he unrolled, and, having taken the 
 kink out, read as follows : 
 
 An isolated, bleak, desolate place. Never 
 inviting, it is gloomy, if not uncanny looking on 
 this dark, cheerless November day. 
 
 A barren spot indeed, as may be known by 
 the stunted cedars and scrub oaks that strive to 
 get sustenance from the hard, stony ground. 
 No sunlight seems to strike it. No birds are 
 carolling blithely from leafy trees. 
 
 No sound, save ever and anon a faint shriek 
 of unearthly laughter, and the almost inaudible 
 but steady " clink, clink," of hammering stone. 
 Around about you all is desolate, grim, cheer 
 less. 
 
 In the background stand a group of great 
 stone buildings, surrounded by massive walls. 
 The sinister and forbidding appearance of the 
 nearest structure is intensified by a glance at the 
 iron-latticed windows, through the interstices of 
 which are seen pale, drawn faces faces that, 
 once seen, are not forgotten in many a day. 
 Gaunt, wolfish, terror-stricken, white, with glar 
 ing eyes ; some tear-stained and intelligent look 
 ing, but all bearing in some respect the awful 
 mark of God's greatest affliction a shattered 
 mind. 
 
 Just beyond is another structure. They are 
 both public institutions. 
 
 In one it sometimes happens that iniquit}', 
 under the guise of charity, does its hideous 
 work. And despite the power of riches, some of 
 the patients here are wealthy.
 
 Z 7 2 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 The poor are not so often declared insane, 
 without sufficient excuse. Having no estates, 
 there is no good reason why they should be. 
 Without relatives financially interested in their 
 incarceration, the very poor, even when some 
 what demented, are suffered to plod along in the 
 even tenor of their way, oblivious of certificates 
 signed by experts, unclutched by the grip of 
 the modern press-gang, and live out their lit 
 tle lives, enjoying liberty and the pursuit of hap 
 piness " 
 
 The Coroner interrupted the reader : 
 
 " Excuse me for breaking in here, but a thought 
 strikes me " 
 
 The aggravating Host interrupted in turn, in a 
 tone of feigned interest ; 
 
 " Oh, how singular ! Strike you hard, and 
 where ? " 
 
 " It is this," said the little Irishman, heedless 
 of the Host : " The wisdom exhibited by the 
 Fathers, when they declared that every man had 
 the right to life, liberty, and t.he pursuit of hap 
 piness. You observe it is the pursuit, not the 
 possession, and people have been pursuing it for 
 thousands of years will pursue it to the end and 
 can never grasp it, so that it may he true after 
 all that men must first ' seek the kingdom of 
 God,' that the other things may be added. And 
 it seems to me that Moore put it glori-?'.^Jy vJv.** 
 he said : 
 
 " This world is all a fleeting show, 
 
 For man's illusion given ; 
 The smiles of Joy, the tears of Woe, 
 Deceitful shine, deceitful flow 
 
 There's nothing true but Heaven.*
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 173 
 
 " But," began the sarcastic gentleman, " where 
 do you put the narratives we have been listening 
 to, and the men " 
 
 "Order, order!" the Lawyer said, authoritative 
 ly, " we are here to listen to a story, and these 
 discussions are entirely inappropriate and un 
 called for." 
 
 The irrepressible gentleman was not to be 
 subdued. 
 
 " Why, I have heard it said by good authority, 
 that men would be happy but they want too 
 much. There is happiness. The truest and 
 most perfect picture of happiness and content 
 ment that I ever saw was a hog that lay grunt 
 ing in three feet of soft mud, and I have seen a 
 
 cow in a meadow chewing its cud P ra y, excuse 
 
 me," he said abruptly, as the Real Estate Man 
 with a look of displeasure on his face began to 
 fold up his papers " Pray excuse me and pro 
 ceed." 
 
 The reader resumed : 
 
 Let us enter this sepulchre we may justly 
 call it such, for although the inmates have 
 physical life in their bodies, yet, they are in 
 reality dead to the wor:^. What matters to 
 them progress in the arts and sciences ; like the 
 brutes of the field and the birds of the air they 
 have no thought but to eat, to drink, to sleep. 
 
 Grasping the strong balustrade, we go up the 
 broad staircase to the big door with its massive 
 hinges, tremendous knob, double panels and 
 solid stiles which seem to say that all may not 
 pass here. We pull the bell at the door frame 
 and a deep, resonant clang, reverberates through 
 the long halls of the madhouse. After some
 
 174 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAXD. 
 
 delay there is a noise of the unloosening of bolts, 
 the door opens a few inches, and a grizzly, 
 strongly marked face peers through the aper 
 ture : " You can't come in here. Visitors' day 
 is next month. Oh, a pass from the superin 
 tendent? Come." Another moment, the chain 
 is off and the big door swings open. After pre 
 senting the proper voucher you are directed to 
 follow the keeper and pass through the long, 
 clean corridors, now silent and deserted. The 
 inmates are at dinner. Everywhere, cleanliness 
 and order. 
 
 I digress here long enough to challenge the 
 truth of the two old saws that " Cleanliness is 
 next to Godliness," and that " Order is heaven's 
 first law." One is merely the trade-mark of 
 some wide-awake soap maker, and while the 
 other rests on fair authority, it is none the less 
 false. You see at a glance that order reigns 
 here. And order reigned in Warsaw after the 
 devastating armies passed over it and crushed 
 the people ; then there was order, for there was 
 no life to create disorder. 
 
 The resident superintendent, as he smilingly 
 bids you welcome, warns you that, " It is one of 
 the singular idiosyncracies of nearly all forms 
 of dementia known to alienists that the more the 
 unfortunates insist upon their complete sanity 
 the more unbalanced they are ; and, it net un- 
 frequently happens that visitors to such institu 
 tions, who are otherwise intelligent, after the 
 round of inspection, go forth with a strong im 
 pression, if not a preposterous belief, that sane 
 persons are sometimes under confinement as de 
 mented, and that the innocent often suffer the
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 175 
 
 punishment of the guilty. This never occurs. 
 Never. There is scarce room for the unques 
 tionably insane, and no innocent person is ever 
 unjustly confined. Reilly, show the gentlemen 
 through the male ward and prison." 
 
 Following the attendant into the almost empty 
 wards, and then to the grounds, we see the sad 
 dest sights that the human eye has ever beheld. 
 
 The most incongruous companionship is ob 
 served in the scattered groups about the court 
 yard. In one corner two very aged gentlemen 
 and a mere boy are playing some childish game 
 with small stones. Here a native American and 
 an unmistakable Briton with clasped hands are 
 sauntering lovingly up and down the yard. 
 There an Irishman and an Israelite sit on one 
 bench with arms entwined in reverential af 
 fection. Another loving group, partly French, 
 partly German, in a corner of the enclosure in 
 dicates that the ordinary feelings of sane men 
 have no place in this remote retreat. Other 
 sights there are, strange, heart-rending and 
 gruesome. We forbear to describe them, or the 
 chatter of those who imagine themselves to be 
 kings, emperors, popes and potentates possessing 
 unlimited wealth and innumerable slaves to carry 
 out their wishes. We follow the guide to a 
 break in the otherwise solid wall. He inserts a 
 key in an iron door, pushes us through the open 
 ing, quickly turns and secures the door. This is 
 the outer yard of the prison. Through another 
 higher and stone-capped wall and we are within 
 the inner enclosure in which the jail proper is 
 situated. Cheerless and forbidding as this great 
 grey structure is, it is less gloomy than the build-
 
 176 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 ing we have just left. One of these buildings is 
 the frying pan ; the other is the fire. The term 
 of confinement in one is fixed by law. The 
 term of incarceration in the other depends upon 
 the mental condition of the subject. In one the 
 demented ; in the other the malefactor. In one 
 idiocy and indifference darken the countenance 
 of the inmate ; in the other the expectation of 
 release brightens the face of the criminal. In 
 one the incarcerated bear the mark of mental 
 affliction ; in the other Hope brightens days to 
 come. 
 
 The heavily ironed door that leads to the 
 first tier of cells in this building bears on its 
 lintel a sign as of mockery : " The way of the 
 transgressor is hard." As if these poor creatures 
 knew it not ! It is thrust on the attention of 
 even the most callous every minute, of every 
 hour, of every day in the long and weary years 
 of their confinement "at hard labor." Aye! 
 even until the iron grip of the law in due course 
 of time is relaxed, the clemency of the execu 
 tive is moved to intervene, or, until "The night 
 cometh and no man can work." Yes, "the way 
 of the transgressor is hard." 
 
 The strong walls grimly frown it. The 
 furtive looks show it. The ironed barred win 
 dows bespeak it. The ball and chain strike it 
 as they come together. The great metal door 
 emphasizes it in every clang. The air that fit 
 ters through the little high windows whispers it. 
 The hard-faced jailers jingle it in the rattle of 
 the big keys. The handcuffs click it. The 
 dark cell, the solitary confinement, the coarse 
 fare, all all tell the unfortunate in unmistak-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 177 
 
 able tones and without the aid of the emblazon 
 ed sign on the outer walls that, "The way of 
 the transgressor is hard." 
 
 As you stand here the prisoners come from 
 the dining-room, rapidly and in disorderly 
 squads. 
 
 " Halt ! " comes from a keeper in a harsh 
 voice. " Form and fall in; drop the left hand 
 to your sides ; put-your-right hand-on-the-right- 
 shoulder-of-the-man-in-front. Steady, now. 
 Shuffle." 
 
 It is the "lock step," executed with military 
 precision, and the men are going out to break
 
 178 THE ODDITIKS OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 stone for the State. No laughing, no pushing. 
 Every man falls into his place. 
 
 A mere boy, intelligent and innocent looking, 
 tries in vain to catch the eyes of the visitors. A 
 warning shout from a keeper, and with averted 
 face, he passes on with his fellows. At a little 
 distance the close, compact, moving mass of hu 
 man beings in the striped garb, looks not unlike 
 a great spotted serpent wincing its way through 
 the huge gateway. After a time the strangers 
 follow the gang to watch the work. 
 
 Again the youthful prisoner endeavors to at 
 tract the notice of the obtuse visitors, but a loud 
 imprecation from the watchful keeper warns 
 him that the infraction will be punished. 
 
 Tiring of the monotony, heart sick of the 
 whole thing, the stupid visitors wait but a mo 
 ment and depart. Like the Idols of the Gen 
 tiles, having eyes, they see not. They fail to 
 note the agony of the boyish face, the furtive 
 attempts to attract their attention, the awful 
 desire to speak. 
 
 At the risk of punishment the coarse bread, 
 the impure water, the dark cell, he is about to 
 put his idea into execution. He fears not his 
 fate too much, but will put it to the touch at alt 
 hazards, and he rises. 
 
 Too late ! they are gone. Too late ! Again ? 
 ' How long, O, Lord, how long ? " And again 
 as before the tears drop hot and fast on the 
 hardened stone and melt it not. Nor have they 
 softened the hearts of jailers. He is young, 
 buoyant, hopeful, and even as the bitter tears 
 blind him he thinks in his heart, " Blessed are
 
 THi: ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 179 
 
 they who hunger and thirst after justice, for 
 they shall be filled." 
 
 Many months afterwards one of the visitors 
 learned the facts embodied in this additional 
 manuscript, which I may call the sequel to this 
 prelude. 
 
 The boyish prisoner was not baffled in the 
 end. 
 
 He mourned and was comforted. He suffered 
 persecution for Justice's sake, and came to his 
 kingdom after all. 
 
 The relation concerns him, and begins in this 
 way.
 
 l8o THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 IT was a very ordinary looking dwelling-house 
 * in a thriving town in 
 
 Its look of plainness was increased by the 
 drawn shutters, and the almost uninhabited 
 look of the whole exterior, for the windows and 
 doors were shut close. 
 
 No shout of children playing in the yard 
 broke the solemn stillness. No sign of house 
 work was to be seen. 
 
 At rare intervals a villager entered at the 
 dilapidated gate-way, passed through the yard 
 to the rear of the house, walked noiselessly in 
 and spoke in whispers. 
 
 The black crape streaming from the knob of 
 the door told the sad story. There was death 
 in the house. 
 
 No wonder that the passer-by sighed. No 
 wonder that the good women wept and spoke 
 softly. 
 
 Death was present in its worst form. In the 
 humble, darkened sitting-room, resting on two 
 chairs, was a cheap stained coffin containing all 
 that remained of the dead woman, aged, as the 
 cheap plate put it "32 years." 
 
 Around about the casket sat a few neighbors 
 and the bereaved children a little girl and two 
 boys, aged respectively, four, eleven and four 
 teen. 
 
 All were silent, save when a mournful wail or
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. l8l 
 
 a barely suppressed sob broke the stillness of 
 the room. 
 
 The father and husband sat at the head of 
 the coffin apparently stunned and disheartened. 
 There was a look of sleeplessness, of fatigue, 
 and a faint indication of dissipation or inde 
 cision, on his strongly marked and weather- 
 beatenface. 
 
 John Morley and his wife Ann, had started 
 life hand in hand some fifteen years before, with 
 good health and nothing else. God had blessed 
 their union with three children. 
 
 The boys attended school in a near-by city, 
 Joseph, the eldest, being of a studious turn of 
 mind had been encouraged to learn phonogra 
 phy with other branches of knowledge. The 
 boys had been progressing fairly well at school, 
 but, since the mother's grievous illness, house 
 hold matters had not gone just as they should 
 have. Minnie, the girl, was a mere babe. 
 Although the elder children did their utmost to 
 assist in the household work and to continue 
 their studies, it was found difficult to retain the 
 usual orderly routine. One of the boys was re 
 quired to be in constant attendance at his 
 mother's bedside, and cleanliness, order, and 
 promptness, in serving the meals was the excep 
 tion. During his wife's illness the father began 
 gradually to neglect his home. 
 
 Occasionally, too, he came home from the 
 shop with a sleepy, watery look about the 
 eyes, walking with unsteady gait and speaking 
 with thick utterance. The truth is the man was 
 unstable and weak. The ailing condition of his 
 wife and the almost helpless condition of the
 
 1 82 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 family, instead of making him stand firm and 
 equal to the emergency, discouraged and dis 
 heartened him. 
 
 The dying wife saw that he was failing in his 
 duties, but alas, was powerless to prevent it. 
 He disliked to remain at home in the evenings. 
 He could not bear it, he said, it was not a man's 
 place ; let the children or the neighbors do that ; 
 he could do her no good. 
 
 The woman's sickness, consumption, had the 
 usual termination. After long suffering that she 
 bore like a martyr, her spirit went to God. 
 
 The thin worn hands were folded across the 
 dead woman's breast ; the simple shroud was 
 wrapped about the wasted form and the freshly 
 upturned earth in the cemetery told the end. 
 
 The little family vainly struggled to recover 
 from the shock. The father made weak attempts 
 in his own poor way to conduct household mat 
 ters properly, but after a few signal failures, 
 gave it up. 
 
 Gradually, he absented himself from home. 
 Night after night he spent at the public house 
 or visiting the neighbors. Thus he soon forgot 
 his bereavement. 
 
 Matters went on in this way for several 
 months. At length Morley married again. The 
 new Mrs. Morley although neither comely nor 
 in the prime of life, had what was said to be im 
 portant to Morley : an interest in some farming 
 land supposed to be valuable. 
 
 After her advent, household affairs, formerly 
 barely tolerable, became decidedly unpleasant. 
 A woman of ungovernable temper, from the 
 first she seemed to have an intense dislike to her
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. I&3 
 
 husband's children, and took every occasion to 
 manifest it. Looking upon them as interlopers, 
 on the slightest provocation, even without ex 
 cuse, she scolded, insulted, and chastised them 
 severely. Little mementoes of the dead woman 
 hoarded as treasures, she disdainfully threw in 
 the dust heap despite the tears and protests of 
 the children. Under this treatment they became 
 restive. Complaints to the father brought 
 neither redress nor interference, and served 
 only to increase the wife's anger. This state of 
 things gradually made the children cross and 
 peevish. It was a house divided against itself, 
 and could not stand. Bickering was not un 
 common. The elder lad seemed to come in for 
 a large share of unreasonable abuse ; and the 
 once quiet boy answered the stepmother with 
 disrespect and anger. She said and did what 
 most aggravated him. Again and again appeals 
 were made to the father. A weak protest on 
 his part was followed by prompt submission, 
 "Anything for peace sake," he said.
 
 184 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 |NCE after the boys had gone to school, 
 noting the absence of the little girl, her 
 stepmother called her impatiently. There was 
 no immediate response. The woman softly crept 
 up the garret stairs, and finding the child, she 
 roughly accused her of heedlessness and seizing 
 a stout billet of wood was about to inflict con 
 dign punishment on her. 
 
 Just then the elder boy returning, entered the 
 house. At the sight of his sister, pale and trem 
 bling and the passion distorted face of the 
 woman, he unfortunately gave way to anger. 
 All the real and fancied insults and ill-treatment 
 he had suffered, came to his mind and his blood 
 boiled. 
 
 " Let my sister alone," he cried, and he 
 rushed to the rescue. His only intention was to 
 protect the girl. In striving to save the child a 
 disgraceful hand-to-hand struggle ensued. In 
 scuffling about the enraged woman tripped on 
 some obstacle, and in falling heavily to the floor 
 struck her head against the stove. At that in 
 stant, a peddler, who had been a silent witness 
 of the occurrence from the open door- way, see 
 ing the unpleasant termination of the affair, 
 uttered a loud cry and rapidly left the scene. 
 The woman lay gasping and unconscious with 
 the blood slowly oozing from a dreadful wound
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 185 
 
 in the head. The boy retained the weapon from 
 which she had released her grasp and for a 
 brief instant he stood over the bleeding woman 
 in this guilty attitude. Save for the presence of 
 the injured woman, he was alone. Early in the 
 struggle, the little girl had run out shrieking. 
 Her cries and the noise of the struggle brought 
 the neighbors into the room and they observed 
 the lad in the compromising position referred to. 
 
 Scarcely knowing what he said Joe uttered a 
 loud cry of "What have I done ?" and stooping 
 down attempted to raise the woman's head on 
 his lap. 
 
 To his intense horror, she was gasping. An 
 other moment, and she was dead. The limbs 
 were rapidly growing stiff and cold. The dead 
 eyes glared at him. Neighbors gathered about 
 uttering wild cries of consternation and affright. 
 Shocked as they were, no pen or tongue can de 
 scribe the speechless, ghastly terror of the lad. 
 Deprived of reason and almost of utterance, by 
 the awful occurrence he jabbered some inco 
 herent excuse, while those who had heard his 
 words and the noise of the struggle and saw the 
 blood-stained weapon in his hand, looked at him 
 askance and shook their heads. 
 
 Stunned and shocked by the awful accident 
 unconscious of the dreadful predicament in which 
 he was placed, the dazed youth could say noth 
 ing in his own behalf. Circumstances were 
 strongly against him. ' He was discovered red- 
 handed, the horror of guilt on his face. 
 
 The local police took the necessary steps, and 
 acted throughout the dreadful proceeding on 
 the only apparent theory guilt. Of course, the
 
 i86 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 ill-feeling between the dead woman and the step 
 son was known. It was believed by all that the 
 woman had undertaken to chastise the little girl, 
 this was forcibly resented by Joe, and unfortu 
 nately, allowing his temper to overcome his 
 reason, he had struck the woman and wounded 
 her to death. It was too plain. The accused 
 did not deny it. He could not. Had he done 
 so, the denial would not be accepted in the face 
 of the circumstantial evidence. The most that 
 could be said was that he did not mean murder; 
 the blow was unintentionally severe, perhaps. 
 Yet he was none the less guilty of bloodshed. 
 
 But barely charitable as this construction was 
 it was entertained by few or none. The dis 
 tracted father appeared on the scene crying for 
 vengeance before he knew the facts, and the boy 
 was soon lodged in jail on a charge of Murder. 
 
 The county court of - was in session and 
 the case was promptly disposed of. The Jury 
 found a verdict of murder against the boy with 
 a recommendation to mercy on account of his 
 youth and previous good character. 
 
 The accused was sentenced to fifteen years at 
 hard labor in prison. There was no interference 
 on his behalf by anyone; his friends turned from 
 him for the reason that his natural protector be 
 lieved him guilty, and the father certainly did 
 not oppose any obstacle to the due course of law. 
 Wiihin, a few days after the jtrial the sheriff of 
 the county, with a commitment under the seal 
 of the court appeared on the scene, and by him 
 the poor lad was placed in the bleak and gloomy 
 prison that I have attempted to describe in the 
 opening of this story, and had for his close com-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 187 
 
 panions, some of the most incorrigible of the 
 criminal classes. 
 
 It so happened that one of the keepers in 
 charge of the stone-breaking gang in which the 
 lad was placed in jail, was distantly related to 
 the deceased woman, and this man's feeling:: 
 were decidedly hostile to the boy. 
 
 This is hardly to be wondered at ; he believed 
 as the jury did, that the young convict was a 
 red-handed murderer, who had escaped gallowc 
 by a technicality. No sooner was the youthful 
 prisoner within his power than he began a 
 course of treatment towards him, both in. regard 
 to the day's task and infractions of the prison 
 rules that made Joe's life in the institution seem 
 like a hideous nightmare.
 
 1 88 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 *| HE prisoner after a time seemed to have re 
 covered his senses, so to speak; he could look 
 back now with reasonable composure at the 
 horrid scene in which he had been a participant, 
 and for which he had suffered so grieviously. 
 He began to think that if the trial were to take 
 place again, he could have convinced the jury 
 that he was entirely innocent. He remembered 
 now that the peddler had seen the occurrence, 
 and while he did not know where the man could 
 be found, he felt that if he could be produced, 
 his evidence would be sufficient for an acquittal. 
 He vainly attempted to communicate with those 
 who were or should have been his friends. No 
 letters were allowed to go from prisoners unless 
 with the sanction and concurrence of the prison 
 authorities. No communication passed from the 
 convict to the outside world save such as suited 
 the prison officials. Letters were sent and inter 
 cepted. Smarting under a sense of injustice, 
 weak from lack of proper food, worrying about 
 the condition of his brother and sister from 
 whom he was entirely isolated, coupled with 
 thoughts of his own forlorn and friendless state 
 made his lot anything but enviable. He wrote 
 a kind and truthful letter to his father in which 
 he spoke of his sad life in the prison, and begged 
 him " for God's sake " to hunt up the one wit 
 ness of the dreadful occurrence, whose truthful
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 189 
 
 statement, he had no doubt, would fully exoner 
 ate him, adding, that he would either die or go 
 mad if his afflictions in the prison continued. It 
 was piteous but useless. The letter was opened 
 in the main office by one of the officials who in 
 formed the convict that they did not allow such 
 reports of ill-treatment to be made by prisoners, 
 so tenderly cared for by the merciful authorities 
 of the jail. Again and again he strove to com 
 municate with visitors. 
 
 This was an infraction always punished. He 
 endeavored to send word through the discharg 
 ed prisoners to those he thought might be 
 friend him, his schoolmates, his mother's rela 
 tives, his teachers, but no one cared to interfere 
 in his behalf. 
 
 Placed in jail under circumstances that seemed 
 to justify it, his own father and neighbors being 
 the principal witnesses against him, those who 
 would otherwise have interfered held aloof, fear 
 ing that it might be meddling in family affairs 
 which did not concern them. 
 
 The only letter it was permissible to send 
 from the prison was one expressing gratitude to 
 those in charge of the institution, extolling the 
 management, and praising the officials for their 
 thoughtful consideration of those under their 
 charge. All communications, which in the 
 slightest degree commented on or criticised the 
 prison management were intercepted or destroy 
 ed, or returned to the prisoner with a reprimand 
 and occasionally something more. So it is not 
 surprising that no letter was received from the 
 boy during the long period of his incarceration, 
 certainly none that would cause uneasiness
 
 igO THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 among friends, if there were any who desired to 
 aid him. 
 
 One day in each month was set apart for visi 
 tors, and although poor Joe had no friends to 
 call upon him, he was carefully removed on these 
 occasions from the sight of callers to a lonely cell. 
 
 The annual visit of inspection by the State 
 Prison Authorities was to be made to the jail 
 on the agth of May. Although conversation was 
 strictly prohibited among the prisoners, this 
 fact leaked out and Joe hoped much from it. 
 
 The unfortunate lad's hope was that he would 
 have an opportunity of stating his case to some 
 of the humane public authorities, who would 
 look into it and do justice for justice's sake. 
 
 Judge of his dismay, when informed that dur 
 ing the time of the visit of inspection, he was* to 
 be placed in a remote part of the institution 
 where he could neither see nor communicate 
 with the visitors. Early on the morning set 
 apart for the inspection, he was ordered to throw 
 the loose paving stones that had been trimmed 
 by the prisoners from the gravel walk to the 
 side of the road, so as to allow the carriages of 
 the officials free access through the prison yard. 
 
 This work was to be completed by ten o'clock, 
 the visitors being due at eleven. While engaged 
 in this task a bright idea occurred to the lad 
 which he thought it well to put into practice. 
 Although the keen eyes of the keeper were upon 
 him, he managed in carrying the stones to place 
 them on the hill-side in this order : 
 
 "There," thought tne boy, "thanks to my 
 education I have been able to do that. If the 
 overseer understands it I may spend years in
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 191 
 
 this place ; if he does not it will be strange in 
 deed, if some of the visitors do not see and 
 comprehend it." 
 
 He was ordered back to his cell, and shortly 
 afterwards the Inbpector and the Governor's 
 Secretary, accompanied by a party of ladies and 
 gentlemen, entered the prison yard. The Inspec 
 tor, followed by his wife and little boy, mounted 
 the staircase on one side of the prison yard and 
 i Imirably performed the duty of watching the 
 prise ners file before him under the care of the 
 keeper, after which he shook hands with the 
 prison authorities, congratulated the prisoners 
 on their happy life, advising them to be good, 
 and just, and fear not, etc., and finished the in 
 spection by eating a good dinner at the expense 
 ol the State.
 
 192 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 \ i 7HILE the dinner was under discussion, the 
 " Governor's secretary, a keen-looking young 
 man, sauntered about the grounds enjoying a fra 
 grant Havana. His attention attracted to the 
 pile of cut stones, he glanced at it casually and 
 noticed with surprise the order in which they 
 were placed. Another glance, he rubbed his 
 eyes, went closer and looked again. Then he 
 uttered a low whistle. 
 
 {J Well/' he said, when he had somewhat re 
 covered, " this is most remarkable ; it cannot 
 be an accident ; it is surely a singular thing. I 
 will see about it." 
 
 He was about to call the attention of one of 
 the keepers to what he had first thought might 
 be an odd coincidence or whim of a prisoner, but 
 paused. The mere fact that these stones were 
 placed in such an order, indicated to him that if 
 they were placed there by design, the person 
 who so placed them desired secrecy, for some 
 reason. 
 
 " It can do no harm," thought the secretary, 
 " to carry out the party's intention, for the pres 
 ent, at least." 
 
 While these thoughts were passing through his 
 mind, he re-read the characters, slowly, careful 
 ly, and without difficulty : 
 
 " An innocent boy is being ill-treated in this 
 place and cannot complain. Help ! Cell 10. 
 Joe."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 193 
 
 " It spells that," said the secretary, softly, " if 
 it spells anything, and while they are finishing 
 dinner I will see it through." 
 
 Taking out a slip of paper he carefully noted 
 the number of the cell, as indicated by the stones, 
 and continued his walk towards the rear of the 
 prison. The young man was wise beyond his 
 years, and thought it well not to be too abrupt 
 in seeking knowledge. 
 
 "Which are the even-numbered cells?" he 
 asked of the keeper. The latter bowed respect 
 fully and obsequiously as he indicated the tier of 
 cells on the east side of the building. 
 
 "Ah, "said the secretary, "where is the inmate 
 of number eight ? " 
 
 On being informed by the keeper that the pris 
 oner referred to was in the hospital, the secretary 
 said : 
 
 "Well, suppose you send me number ten?" 
 
 "Certainly," answered the keeper, hesitating 
 ly, " but he's a bad one." 
 
 " No matter about that," retorted the secretary, 
 authoritatively, " that's just the kind of a one 
 that I want." 
 
 In five minutes more Joe was tearing out like 
 a madman, in advance of the keeper. With sobs 
 and tears he began, in a disconnected and inco 
 herent way, to tell his sad story. By degrees the 
 clever young secretary put the lad at his ease 
 and got possession of the essential facts of the 
 case, which he promised to lay before the gover 
 nor. 
 
 At his suggestion the peddler was hunted up 
 by clever detectives, sent down from the metrop 
 olis, and the man's statement, -under oath, to-
 
 194 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 gather with the boy's previous good character, 
 counted for something. Above all, the testimo 
 ny of a clever doctor, who had attended the de 
 ceased woman for a number of years, to the ef 
 fect that the dead woman was subject to heart 
 disease, and that the position and condition of 
 the wound, as described before the coroner's 
 jury, could not possibly have caused her death, 
 was procured. 
 
 This brightened the outlook, and a little of the 
 sunshine penetrated the gloomy recesses of the 
 jail. There was a revulsion of public feeling. 
 Newspapers vied with each other in publishing 
 accounts of it, under startling headlines : 
 
 " The Clever Ruse of an Innocent Youth," 
 "Justice Triumphant," etc. 
 
 Nothing succeeds like success. The jailers, 
 once exacting, harsh and tyrannical, became po 
 lite, considerate and almost servile to the once 
 oppressed victim, and, in less than a month, the 
 re-habilitated convict stood on the outside of the 
 great grim door, unfettered, basking in the sun 
 light of freedom, unshackled ; free. 
 
 Good fortune continued with him. His bene 
 factor stood by him manfully. The once friend 
 less lad, before whom the future had looked so 
 dark ; the wearer of the striped suit, who bid fair 
 to become a dangerous member of society, is 
 now, thanks to knowledge and kindness, a rising 
 man in the office of his firm friend, in the city 
 of 
 
 The reader paused, with a sign of satisfaction, 
 and carelessly crammed the manuscript into the 
 coal scuttle. 
 
 "Well," said the Host, "it ends well, don't it ?
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. IQ5 
 
 If ever that young man gets tired of that po 
 sition, I shall be glad to introduce him to the 
 
 Coroner here, who may want another clerk- " 
 
 Without waiting for further sarcasms, a mo 
 tion to adjourn was promptly put by the Coro 
 ner, and as promptly carried by a majority, and 
 the Host was left alone to address his conclud 
 ing remarks to the smouldering embers in the 
 grate.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 THE TRAMP STENOGRAPHER. 
 HE parties met by appointment. All were 
 present but the Stenographer. As that gen- 
 
 The Vi:tim of Circumstances. 
 
 tleman was usually prompt his continued absence 
 excited comment, if not uneasiness. While the 
 members present were still discussing the prob 
 able cause of his absence and considering the 
 advisability of adjourning there was a knock at 
 the door and the missing gentleman came in,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 197 
 
 He was not alone. In his wake was an ex 
 ceedingly seedy individual who slouched into an 
 obscure corner of the room in a fruitless endea 
 vor to make himself as unconspicuous as possi 
 ble. The person will bear a brief description. 
 The shabby dress coat that enveloped his per 
 son was closely buttoned about his throat with 
 the evident design of hiding the absence or un- 
 laundried condition of a collar or perhaps a 
 larger garment of wearing apparel. 
 
 The man was about forty years of age and 
 had perhaps a week's growth of hair on his 
 face. He was dressed in odds and ends of 
 clothing, the individual contributions of the char 
 itably disposed. Clad in a fat man's trousers, 
 a boy's waistcoat, a slender gentleman's coat, he 
 wore a pair, or what was left of a pair, of lady's 
 shoes, much dilapidated, in the condition known 
 as " down at the heels." A soft hat sat at a 
 raking angle on his, by no means unintellectual 
 looking head. 
 
 This weather beaten headgear he removed 
 and exhibited an exceedingly unkempt head of 
 hair. He was an odd and singular looking per 
 son, but the man carried himself well, in fact 
 jauntily, despite his poor attire and rather 
 rough appearance. 
 
 Apparently in the first stage of consumption, 
 the only sanative indication about him was 
 a nose with a real healthy, ruddy, "countrified" 
 look. Flanking this member was a pair of 
 bright grey eyes, and below a mouth with just 
 the least hint of a smile lurking in its corners. 
 There was about the fellow a certain " style" 
 a combination of dirt and dignity difficult to un-
 
 198 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 derstand and impossible to describe. As before 
 stated, he shuffled to a corner of the room behind 
 a chair in the endeavor to make himself as un 
 observed as possible. This intention was ab 
 ruptly frustrated by the Stenographer who took 
 the stranger's hand and drawing the reluctant 
 individual towards the middle of the room in 
 troduced him as a friend and fellow-craftsman, 
 adding: " The night is cold, he is not overclad, 
 and if you have anything at hand for such cases, 
 made and provided, trot it out." The Host 
 soon placed a pitcher of beer on the table with 
 the necessary utensils. Without a word the 
 visitor pushed the poker in the open fire, filled 
 a glass and having darkened the white froth 
 with a good sprinkling of pepper he plunged 
 the red hot iron into the chilled ale. With a 
 cheerful sniff at the ascending steam a glance at 
 the company and a " God bless us all, gentle 
 men," the stranger lifted the glass to his lips 
 and put the mulled bumper where he believed 
 it would do the most good. A second and a 
 third followed in rapid succession. Then the 
 stranger turned to the company, a different man 
 in his own estimation, and the others observed 
 with surprise that he seemed to have lost there- 
 served "slouchy" look before so conspicuous. 
 
 Bowing to the company, he said by way of 
 introduction " You see before you, gentlemen, 
 one who is called by a cold and heartless world, 
 'tramp.' I am the victim of circumstances," 
 
 "Quite so," murmured the quiet gentleman. 
 
 The Stenographer spoke up : "I met this gen 
 tleman under peculiar circumstances. As you 
 perceive, he is a man, and as such has a claim
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. iC)9 
 
 on us all, for we are all brothers in Adam. As 
 a fellow-craftsman of mine he has an especial 
 claim on me ; in addition to this he has also an 
 especial claim on you, gentlemen, for I was at 
 tracted to him by his truthfulness and no one 
 knows better than I, your great appreciation of 
 that sublime virtue." 
 
 " Explain this mystery, for goodness sake," 
 said the Coroner, in a quick, jerky way, "Let 
 us have it." 
 
 " I stood on the street a few minutes since," 
 the scribe began, " conversing with a friend ; I 
 facing the roadway and my friend facing me. 
 Suddenly I heard a voice saying, ' Say, boss, 
 would you mind giving a fellow a lift?' My 
 friend, who was addressed by the gentleman 
 now present, looked up with the curt remark, 
 ' Ah, you want a lift ; that is a quarter ; and I 
 know just what you want it for. Your wife is 
 dying on the upper floor of a tenement house 
 and you need a little money to get medicine that 
 may preserve her life or some little thing to 
 cool the parched tongue of the dying woman, 
 Eh?' ' No,' said the stranger, smilingly, 'No, 
 boss, that ain't it.' ' Oh,' said my friend, some 
 what surprised, ' I know now. You had a raffle 
 to raise funds, you are still a little short of suf 
 ficient to enable you to rejoin your family in 
 Philadelphia whence you were lured by the 
 false promise of work in this great city you 
 want a little to buy your return ticket, Eh ? ' 
 
 " 'No, boss,' answered the other with a chuckle, 
 ' that ain't it.' 
 
 "My friend who is, in his own opinion, a great 
 reader of character and the motives of men, was
 
 200 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 somewhat nonplussed. 'Ah,' he said, ' I know 
 now. Your baby is dead you know the little 
 one with the dimples and golden hair that used 
 to crow when she heard your footsteps and lisp 
 ' Papa.' She died in your arm at grey day this 
 morning. There is no fire on the hearth ; no 
 bread on the table ; no money in the house ; the 
 heartless landlord threatens to turn you out ; 
 the form of the one you loved so dearly may be 
 taken by the unfeeling authorities to an un 
 known grave and you want to raise enough to 
 inter it decently ; for it grieves you sorely to 
 think that the stranger's alien hand may touch 
 the body of the little darling that God has taken 
 and that loved you so, Eh ? ' 
 
 " ' No, boss,' answered the other, with a rising 
 guffaw, ' that ain't it.' 
 
 " Utterly beaten, in a dejected and much in 
 jured tone my friend faltered, ' Well, I give up. 
 What do you want ?' 
 
 " ' Why,' said the other in a surprised way, ' I 
 want to get a darn good hooker of whiskey.' 
 
 "And he got it and more too," continued the 
 Stenographer, " and I have brought him here 
 among the worshipers at the shrine of truth. 
 ' Magna est veritas et prevalebit,' and a man 
 who would thus proclaim it when so sorely 
 tempted is one after my own heart and well fit 
 to associate with this goodly company. What 
 say you all ? " An unanimous " Aye " was the 
 response from the others. 
 
 . The Coroner seemed to be studying the new 
 comer. As it was that gentleman's custom to 
 look at everybody with a view of seeing how he 
 or she or it would do to " Sit on," his scrutiny 
 passed unnoticed.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 2OI 
 
 The Stenographer continued : "Our friend has 
 promised to give us a discourse or an autobio 
 graphical sketch which I believe will be well 
 worth hearing." 
 
 The Stranger cooled the poker again and after 
 wiping his mouth with a small and not too clean 
 rag, he began : 
 
 I repeat, gentlemen, I am the victim of cir 
 cumstances. Educated at one of the leading 
 colleges of this country, I have, given up what 
 men call prospects. I am by choice a philoso 
 pher, a citizen of the world, or, if you will, a 
 tramp. 
 
 I began life as a cook on a trading vessel 
 a tramp schooner they call it my intention be 
 ing to see all I could, and I have seen my share 
 of this terraqueous sphere. 
 
 Most of you are men who have settled down 
 to some humdrum pursuit or calling and dare 
 not leave it. 
 
 And toil, even pleasant, continuous toil, day 
 after day in the one eternal groove or routine 
 eats into your daily existence like a chain around 
 a tree, loose and harmless once but the bark of 
 your lives grows over it and to remove it lacer 
 ates, hurts and even kills. 
 
 You are perhaps hoarding up money for 
 child- en who would be better without it. Very 
 probably you have never been a hundred miles 
 from where you sit. Behold in me no Prome 
 theus bound by the Mercury of business to the 
 Mount Caucasus of daily labor. 
 
 I assure you, gentlemen, that I have seen al 
 most every prominent city in the world, many 
 towns and nearly every village in the United
 
 26i THE ODDITIES OF SHOUT HAND. 
 
 States. I know all the customs and some of the 
 traditions of all peoples in all lands. Who of you 
 can say this much ? Not one. Your truest 
 student is the traveler. And who so equipped 
 for the road, or in such light marching order as 
 the tramp? His jewelry gives him no trouble ; 
 he has none. His luggage requires no special 
 attention ; he has none. His servants do not 
 bother him; he has none. He is not the victim 
 of confidence men who desire his money ; he 
 has none. Those who do him a kindness do it 
 through motives of charity, not with the expec 
 tation of the douceur or tip, hence the kindness 
 is so much more welcome to the beneficiary, for 
 he is known to be poor ; for that charity rarest 
 and best is given without money and without 
 price. His mind is not distracted by any of the 
 innumerable cares and troubles that worry and 
 vex the ordinary traveler ; his senses of hearing 
 and seeing not rendered less acute ; his under 
 standing not dulled ; his enjoyment not lessened 
 by the thousand and the one little things that 
 so seriously interfere with the pleasures of travel 
 and sight seeing. He can surely find a place to 
 sleep, a crust to eat, and good water is every 
 where free 
 
 " Pardon me," the Stenographer said, " you 
 promised a sketch of your life, and as you have 
 been at one time a stenographer I am sure the 
 company would be pleased to hear you. The 
 lies I mean that subject has been under discus 
 sion for some time here and doubtless you can 
 throw some further light on it." 
 
 After the sizzing made by plunging the hot 
 poker into the beer had subsided, the Stranger 
 resumed :
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 263 
 
 " Yes, I have among other things followed that 
 profession. I was knocked out by the typewriter. 
 
 " When young and innocent I perused with 
 avidity the works of Billings, studied the pho 
 netic style of spelling advocated by Elisha 
 Brandt and others, and read the Phonetic News, 
 which Dean Alvord thought was ' Frantic 
 Nuts.' In writing such a word as ' believe,' 
 when doutful whether the ' i ' or ' e ' came first, 
 I would simply make a ' u ' with a dot over the 
 middle of it ; and by such tricks, and using poor 
 handwriting to cover bad spelling, I got along 
 for a while 
 
 " But don't you think, sir," the Stenographer 
 began, " that the present method of spelling is 
 sadly in need of reform ? It does seem that 
 fully one-eighth of the letters used in the so- 
 called spelling are of no value, being either silent 
 or misleading, and simply serve to make its pro 
 nunciation difficult and its orthography well 
 nigh impossible of attainment. Who would 
 think of v/riting p-h-1-e-g-m for ' flem' if he were 
 not told, contrary to reason and common sense, 
 that the former was the authorized and ortho 
 dox method of spelling ? What a needless waste 
 of alphabetical characters ! If letters are silent 
 what do we want with tbem in English words ? 
 As much use are they as the bunghole of a barrel 
 after the barrel itself has been destroyed " 
 
 "Aha ! " remarked the Stranger, with a shrug, 
 " you put it well, and what you say may be true 
 enough ; yet there are other reforms far more 
 needful in I cannot bear to say ' English ' lan 
 guage, I prefer to call it ' United States.' We 
 have our own laws, our own customs and our
 
 2O4 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 own form of government. We have our own 
 land, our own flag, and certainly, as a nation, I 
 think we are strong enough to have our owh 
 language." 
 
 " We use the term English," the other inter 
 posed, " merely to show the origin of the words 
 in the language." 
 
 " Stop right there," the Stranger said ; " you 
 just quoted the word ' phlegm ' as a word to be 
 reformed in spelling, /. e., English spelling. It 
 is not an English word at all, hence your argu 
 ment is inapplicable ; this being a Greek root 
 the method of spelling it serves to indicate its 
 origin from <&Xef*a. 
 
 " We know that our Common law is,, in a 
 measure, taken from that of England, but the 
 most abject American citizen, if on trial for any 
 offence, cannot be deprived of the right of trial 
 under the laws of the United States. 
 
 " We have our flag ; true there may be in it 
 some of the colors of the ' Union Jack,' but nev 
 ertheless it is our own Stars and Stripes our 
 own banner that floats over a free people, its 
 glory as undimmed and its stars as brilliant as 
 when the first thirteen gemmed the azure. It 
 may be taken from the ensign of Great Britain, 
 but it is our banner, and we will uphold it now 
 as we did 
 
 " ' When Freedom, from her mountain height, 
 
 Unfurled her Standard to the air, 
 And tore the azure robes of night 
 To set the stars of glory there. ' 
 
 " No matter what its origin, it is ours, and we 
 will maintain it and sustain it at all hazards. 
 " As with the flag, so with the language. No
 
 THK ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 205 
 
 matter whence it came, it is ours ; therefore I 
 am not speaking English to you but United 
 States." 
 
 " Good ! " cried the Coroner, with animation, 
 " that's the way to strike it ! " 
 
 " Correct sir, quite correct," chimed the En 
 gineer with enthusiasm, while the Real Estate 
 man ejaculated, "Of course." 
 
 "The same is true of our land. 'Twas Eng- 
 
 'As wtth the flap so with the language. No matter whence it 
 came, it is ours ; therefore I am not speaking English to you but 
 United States." 
 
 land's once but is so no longer. We wrested it 
 from her ; it is ours ; and do you think of calling 
 this land English ? Of course not. 
 
 "The same with our customs ; they may have 
 been adopted or adapted from England, France, 
 or goodness knows where, but they are ours. As
 
 206 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 we have our own flag, our own land, our own 
 customs and our own laws, so we have our own 
 language that is, the language of the United 
 States. See ? " 
 
 "Well," said the Stenographer, thoughtfully, 
 there may be some logic in that ; but to return 
 to the question. Do you not think it high time 
 to reform the wretched spelling in vogue to-day 
 that violates all rules of euphony, phonetics and 
 common sense ? What an immensity of time is 
 wasted and what rivers of ink in the writing or 
 printing of so many silent, useless unmeaning 
 letters. The present spelling is misleading and 
 reform " 
 
 " That will come in good time, sir. We have 
 not yet reached that point, for there is another 
 and more important matter in relation to our 
 language which demands our attention." 
 
 " Well, what can that be ? " 
 
 " It is to have a more comprehensive meaning, 
 or rather a more exact definition of words in 
 order that they might convey an exact idea." 
 
 " Pshaw ! " answered the Scribe, with some 
 asperity, " how can that be so ? Where is there 
 a language so beautiful, so abounding in words 
 and phrases, that gives with such exactitude the 
 finest shades or distinctions of meaning as the 
 English " 
 
 " There you go again," the Stranger corrected, 
 " United States, please." 
 
 "Well, United States," answered the Stenog 
 rapher testily ; " it is the most subtle, the richest 
 of all spoken tongues to-day in words or phrases 
 which express to the finest point of perfection 
 the idea of the speaker or writer and with 
 absolute mathematical exactitude."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 2O"J 
 
 " Bosh ! " retorted tf..e Stranger with emphasis. 
 " Bosh and buncombe. If the purpose of a lan 
 guage is to conceal thought, as it is somewhere 
 claimed, I grant you the English excuse me 
 United States is most powerful ; but I am far 
 from admitting that such is the purpose of 
 speech. Now the point I was coming to was 
 this : many words in our language are ex 
 tremely inexact, and this is where the reform is 
 most essential, in my opinion. Take, for in 
 stance, the word 'very;' poor little word ! What 
 a multitude of states and conditions it covers. 
 A man is very sick. How sick is he? Confined 
 to his bed ? Seriously ill ? Dying ? 'Very ' 
 tells you nothing. One is ' very ' good or ' very' 
 bad. You perceive that the word gives to 
 the mind no definite idea of degree at all. It does 
 not show how much or to what extent the third 
 person may be sick, or good or bad. Where, 
 then, the ' absolute mathematical exactitude ' 
 you have referred to ? The poor adverb covers 
 such a vast field that it is utterly unmeaning, for 
 forty men or forty hundred may be ' very ' good 
 but they are all good to the same extent accord 
 ing to this expression. It is extremely incon- 
 cise even when used with the adjective. Now, 
 this defect or lack of meaning in such a word 
 the failure to convey the idea is so appreciated 
 by the ordinary man that he has adopted a word 
 now common in the vernacular, which I may 
 call the superlative degree of the adverb ' very ' 
 the inelegant but explosive d " 
 
 The Host, who had been nodding, seemed to 
 suddenly wake up at this remark, and affected 
 that he had simply been in deep thought, but 
 with indifferent success.
 
 208 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " I am reminded of this by one of those little 
 incidents not uncommon in a great city. On a 
 recent occasion I observed a crowd gathered in 
 a busy street. Edging my way through it I saw 
 in the centre of the gaping people a street 
 gamin grieviously wounded ; his leg had been 
 broken by a runaway horse. The little fellow 
 manfully bore the pain which must have been 
 severe, as it was what surgeons call a compound 
 comminuted fracture. The jagged end of the 
 broken bone projected through the flesh, and I 
 saw at once, from the position of the wound, the 
 color of the blood and the manner in which it 
 flowed, that an artery had been severed and the 
 boy would bleed to death if not attended to at 
 once. I took a handkerchief, knotted it, and 
 having found the break on the blood vessel 
 placed the knot over it and by means of the 
 turniquet stopped the flow, and endeavored to 
 make the lad as comfortable otherwise as pos 
 sible, till the arrival of the ambulance some time 
 later. 
 
 " Perhaps the boy's life was saved by this 
 prompt and heroic treatment, but that is neither 
 here nor there. While engaged in this I was 
 somewhat amused by the expressions of those 
 who crowded about the scene. I think every 
 man said to all the rest : ' Git back there.' 'Give 
 him air.' 'Go for the ambulance.' 'Git a doctor,' 
 &c. Everyone had a suggestion and a remedy ; 
 and expressions of sympathy and regret were 
 heard on all sides : ' How shocking!' ' Oh, how 
 sad ! ' 'So sorry ! ' &c. A practical man who 
 aided me with the injured boy finally turned to 
 the crowd, saying : ' Good people, you are all
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 200 
 
 sorry for this poor lad, and I am sorry, too. 
 Now,' he said, taking off his hat, into which he 
 dropped a coin, ' What is the extent of our sor 
 row ? I am sorry fifty cents, how much sorry 
 are you ? ' This proceeding had two good re 
 sults ; it diminished the crowd and brought out 
 a practical response from those who remained." 
 
 " Now, the reform I propose," the stranger 
 continued, ' is to give the adverb and adjective 
 a positive and mathematical meaning so as to 
 obviate the use of senseless idiotic expressions 
 that convey no idea of degree, quantity, quality, 
 or condition. Under the new order of things, 
 instead of using the word ' very ' bad, or 'too ' 
 bad, or ' very ' ill, one may say, I am ill. To the 
 natural inquiry, How much so? the response will 
 be, " 22 ill " or some such answer. Then you 
 can know just how ill the speaker is, 100 being 
 the extreme degree or normal point beyond 
 which one cannot go or be. 
 
 "Then you will hear the remark, 'I am 15 glad, 
 42 delighted, 64 sad, 24 pleased, 82 astounded, 
 96 disgusted,' &c., &c. instead of the wretched 
 'very' glad, or 'too' sad, or 'much' astound 
 ed, or some other such silly, unmeaning phrase. 
 This, you observe, would be a sensible reform. 
 For example, a witness, in giving sworn testi 
 mony, who says an event happened quickly, will 
 be asked, "how quickly?" The reply will be, 
 96 quick, for instance, and the listeners will com 
 prehend just exactly what is meant. Horsemen 
 appreciate to a great extent this vagueness of 
 expression and in their own way have done some 
 thing to obviate the difficulty. Whoever hears 
 one of them say that a horse went 'very quick-
 
 210 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 ly,' or at ' great speed ? ' The expression in 
 use by them is that such and such a horse went 
 a 2.30 or 2.40 gait, or they mention a figure 
 which has a definite meaning. You have a sum 
 to rely on and comprehend precisely what is 
 meant by the speaker. There may be doubt 
 about the speed, but none about the statement. 
 ' Very ' in the instance referred to would indi 
 cate a horse going at all gaits from a four-minute 
 trot to a mile a minute run ; this is due to the 
 weakness and inefficiency of the expression. 
 There are many such words that, like charity, 
 cover a multitude or rather have to stretch so 
 far that there is no substance left in them. 
 
 " If, or rather when we have reformed the lan 
 guage in this wise so that a man speaks and you 
 know his meaning, your friend may remark : 
 ' Last night I was at the dinner of the Humbug 
 Club. Before going I was 39 gloomy, but the 
 company was 83 good, the dinner 99 perfect, the 
 wine 74 excellent, and after the final toast, I lost 
 all the gloom, became 23 philosophical, then 63 
 cheerful and finally reached 98 exhilarated.' 
 You would understand, of course, just what 
 manner of men he fell in with. The sinfulness 
 of his course, the danger he ran would be appar 
 ent and hence you could use this most convinc 
 ing, because mathematical, argument, 'But don't 
 you know, my dear fellow, that 98 exhilaration 
 is so much above the normal 12, that you 
 have exhausted the supply of exhilaration for 
 nine days, and you cannot have any more till 
 next week ? You have also overdrawn on philo 
 sophical u, and cheerfulness 42, and you will 
 have 53 disgust, and 27 remorse for the next
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 211 
 
 fortnight. Now, does this pay?' This argu 
 ment which you can cipher on a slate like a sum 
 in proportion, based on exact figures, will be 
 simply unanswerable. All the pulpit orations, 
 all the pamphlets you can print, all the appeals 
 for morality, all the threats of future punishment 
 or disaster, and all the good advice that you can 
 din into your friend's ears about it being 'very' 
 bad for him, &c., will not come home to him like 
 this simple but positive mathematical statement. 
 And he will doubtless govern himself accord 
 ingly and endeavor to preserve that daily allow 
 ance of the normal amount of contentment, 
 satisfaction, cheerfulness, &c., which is given to 
 every individual in certain mathematical pro 
 portions. The person appealed to in this exact 
 way will be vigilant and careful so as not to suf 
 fer any dimunition in the normal quantity of the 
 good attributes, and a consequent over draught 
 or influx of remorse, disgust, or unhappiness so 
 far above the normal. This is the first point of 
 reform, speaking ' 
 
 " Speaking figuratively," the Lawyer mur 
 mured, with just the least tinge of a smile in his 
 voice. 
 
 The Stranger winked, almost audibly, and 
 went on : 
 
 " Where was I ? Oh, at reform spelling. ' To 
 return to our muttons,' as the French say, I er- 
 deavored to carry out the idea of reform in 
 spelling, and I subsequently found that the im 
 proved method, while most philosophical, was 
 not appreciated by merchants and business men, 
 who preferred the style of spelling in general 
 use, and, while in reality a reformer, I was looked
 
 212 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 upon as an ignoramus. Hence, I was often, as 
 boys say, ' on my uppers.' I became too much 
 disheartened at repeated failures to retain a sit 
 uation, and, finally, did not try to. 
 
 "Ordinarily, if a person is i" doubt about the 
 spelling of a word, he writes it, and, looking at 
 it, the eye notes anything peculiar or abnormal 
 in its appearance. This is not so much the case 
 with the stenographer, who, as a general thing, 
 spells by sound. 
 
 " Now, gentlemen, this brings me to the (please 
 put that poker in again) discussion of two of the 
 great senses of the five, in fact, the two : hearing 
 and seeing. Now, the delights of the eye vis 
 ion may be all well enough, but the important 
 sense is hearing. Smelling, I consider more a 
 sense belonging to, useful to, and only acute in 
 animals. I dare say it is more a source of pain 
 than pleasure to man. 
 
 " Take the blind man, one utterly deprived of 
 vision, he is generally a self-sustaining person, 
 and always a useful member of society. De 
 prived of sight though he is, the other senses be 
 come so preternatural ly acute as to almost, if 
 not wholly, supply the loss of it. The sense of 
 touch, as we all know, is really wonderful in the 
 blind. But whoever heard of the sense of touch 
 so sharply developed in the deaf man ? Surely 
 he would seem to require it in all its preternat 
 ural acuteness, as much as his sightless brother. 
 A blind person, though deprived of the sense of 
 physical vision, as I may call it, still has the 
 keenest " insight" or appreciation of the fine arts 
 of poetry and music, which not only soothe the 
 savage breast, but lift mere men to the portals 
 of heaven.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 213 
 
 " Your deaf man, on the contrary, is generally a 
 dullard. If his other senses be abnormally acute 
 he has no way of indicating it, and suffers under 
 his misfortune till the welcome end. Being deaf, 
 he is generally dumb dumb, because he does 
 not hear sounds, and hence cannot make them, 
 for man is an imitative animal, and therein does 
 Darwin find the ' missing link ' between man 
 and the monkey mainly in the imitative faculty 
 of the latter. 
 
 " I have simply stated this, gentlemen, to show 
 you the great importance of sounds and sound- 
 writing, /. e., phonography. 
 
 " Natural sounds are to-day as they were in the 
 beginning, and doubtless will be when the arch 
 angel's trumpet bids the dead arise and come to 
 judgment. It has been well-said that the lark 
 now carols the same song and in the same key 
 as when Adam first turned his enraptured ear to 
 catch the moral. The owl first hooted on IB-flat, 
 and it still loves the key. The three chirps of 
 the cricket have been in B since Tubal Cain first 
 heard them in his smithy, or the Israelites in 
 their ash-ovens. Never has the buzz of the gnat 
 risen above the second A, nor that of the house 
 fly's wing sunk below the first F." 
 
 The Host here broke in : 
 
 " But don't you think, sir, that the voice of the 
 Jersey mosquito is deeper, broader in tone, 
 denser, more earnest, business-like and sleep- 
 banishing now, than it was some ages ago, owing 
 to that animal's wonderful physical progress and 
 mental development, arising from the constant 
 imbibition or transmission of the fine blood
 
 214 
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 Disdaining to notice this unseemly interrup 
 tion, the other continued : 
 
 " The breaking of the storm-billows on the 
 beach is still the same mighty roar as it was in 
 the beginning, when ' the Spirit of God moved 
 over the waters.' The wind still shrieks through 
 the rigging of our sailing vessels as it did through 
 the cordage of ' the two ships that stood by the 
 lake at Gennesareth.' The murmur of the brook 
 and the gurgling sound of flowing water is the 
 same to day as it was when the elder servant of 
 the house of Abraham drank from the pitcher of 
 Rebecca, and this applies to other fluids besides 
 water, gentlemen. 
 
 " Listen ! " 
 
 The Stranger here raised the pitcher high over 
 the empty glass, which he filled to the brim, and 
 resumed :
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 2l$ 
 
 " I have even attempted to describe sounds in 
 verse, which, after I take this, I will give you. 
 You hear the hiss of the poker in this beaker. 
 To me the sound is not unpleasant, but if I were 
 to hear either of you gentlemen attempting to 
 make a similar sound with your organs of speech, 
 while I am speaking, I should be much offen 
 ded." 
 
 After three or four repetitions of a noise like 
 that made by extracting a rubber shoe out of 
 soft mud, the Stranger wiped his mouth on the 
 rag, cleared his throat, and, with considerable 
 dramatic effect, recited what he called 
 
 SOUNDS. 
 I. 
 
 What cheer in the shout of the mast-head lookout 
 
 To the exile returning home, 
 Who, tired of war, in countries afar, 
 
 Is crossing the salt sea foam ? 
 The expectant eye would land descry 
 
 Beneath the shading hand, 
 When loud and clear breaks on nis ear 
 
 The welcome cry of ' ' Land ! ' ' 
 
 II. 
 
 How sweet to rest on Earth's green breast 
 
 On a balmy summer's day, 
 And hear the bleat of the browsing sheep, 
 
 Or the rustle of new-mown hay ; 
 But sad to hear the sob so drear 
 
 Over the still, white dead, 
 And the hollow tones of clay and stones 
 
 As they fall on the coffin lid. 
 
 III. 
 
 How soft, how sweet, is the "twfeet, tweet, tweet," 
 Of the mating birds, in spring,
 
 2l6 THE ODDITIES OF* SHORT HAND. 
 
 And what so gay as children's play, 
 
 When their laugh makes the welkin ring ? 
 In clear moonlight, on a frosty night, 
 
 How fierce the bark of " Tray," 
 When the faithful brute hears the stealthy foot 
 
 As it treads its devious way. 
 Not loud, but worse, comes the muttered curse 
 
 From the felon's close-set jaw, 
 Within the grasp, the iron clasp, 
 
 And sudden clutch of the law. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Soft and low, in the bright fire's glow, 
 
 Is the old cat's pleasant purr, 
 From his place so snug on the cosy rug, 
 
 At each stroke of the silky fur ; 
 But sharp the yowls and fierce the howls 
 
 Made by the same old cat, 
 When the sleepless and rash, at the window sash, 
 
 In the upper room of the flat, 
 Sneak vengcfully ba;k for the big boot-jack 
 
 To throw it out like a shot : 
 
 While the nimble puss, with a m-e-a-o-w and a 
 whiz, 
 
 Laughs in a sheltered spot. 
 
 V. 
 
 What seemeth only to the watcher lonely 
 
 At the dying couch of the sick, 
 To measure the gloom in the silent room 
 
 Like the clock's monotonous tick, 
 So steady and slow, as hither and fro 
 
 It ticks, then ticks again ; 
 But like whisper of hell is the shriek of the shell 
 
 As it bursts amid sleeping men. 
 
 VI. 
 As the coo of the dove is the murmur of love, 
 
 When youth is free and fair, 
 And the future seems all pleasant dreams, 
 
 With naught of trouble or care.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 2iy 
 
 Sweet whisper of bliss in love's first kiss, 
 But time turns the wheel and pshaw ! 
 
 How glibly flung from the supple tongue 
 Is the taunt of the mother-in-law. 
 
 VII. 
 
 What so loud as the thunder-cloud 
 
 That breaks oil the listening ear ? 
 What so fine as the low of the kine 
 
 When homing time grows near ? 
 The purling brook in a pebbly nook 
 
 Hath the softest murmur of all ; 
 And a dread, quaint sound seems to resound 
 
 In the " ping " of the minie ball. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 How slow to the weary is the time ; how dreary, 
 
 How welcome the six o'clock bell, 
 Bidding workers depart who've acted their part 
 
 To rest for another brief spell ; 
 At its loud, joyous clamor, the wheel and the 
 hammer, 
 
 May wait until called on again ; 
 But what echo's so shrill o'er valley and hill 
 
 As the toot of the " wild-cat " train. 
 
 All nature abounds with the quaintest of sounds 
 
 And what so appalling, yet mild, 
 When silent and dark, the night waneth hark ! 
 
 'Tis the moan of a dying child ! 
 
 The ominous silence which settled on the 
 company was broken by the Stenographer, who 
 muttered something about all this being very 
 fine but hardly relevant to the subject under 
 discussion. 
 
 " I am coming to that," the other said " in 
 fact I am right at it now. The subject of short 
 hand is one which, though interesting to a great
 
 2l8 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 number of people, there is a great deal of hum 
 bug about. The art is looked at generally as if 
 it were something entirely new and simple. The 
 fact is, the easier it may be as a study the slower 
 it is in practice. It is not enough to compre 
 hend and retain its principles ; they must be put 
 in practice, systematically and perseveringly, or 
 not at all. 
 
 "And to its being a modern thing I will only 
 quote one of the oldest and best adepts of the 
 art in the country, who, in his time, was called 
 by the late William Smith O'Brien the 'record 
 ing angel.' I quote from memory, gentlemen, 
 because my library is not accessible just now. 
 Ahem ! 
 
 " ' Systems of writing designed to keep pace 
 with speech have at all times enjoyed the privi 
 lege of awakening the curiosity of young persons 
 disposed to study, and of attracting the atten 
 tion of people devoted to intellectual pursuits. 
 What higher satisfaction could, in fact, be offered 
 to the man of learning or of letters than that 
 which would supply the implements whose use 
 would enable him to secure instantaneously 
 whatever might strike him in a discourse, an im 
 provisation, or a dramatic representation ; a 
 means which would empower the poet, the dra 
 matist or the novelist to fix, at will, the inspira 
 tions, often glowing but always fleeting, that at 
 times light up his imagination, and which he re 
 grets his inability to retain in his memory with 
 all their first vivid coloring? To fasten his 
 thoughts as rapidly as they present themselves 
 would establish his mastery over them and aug 
 ment the activity of his imagination. Therefore
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 219 
 
 one can readily understand why the creation of 
 an instrument so valuable should have engaged 
 the attention of learned men of lofty merit, such 
 as Leibnitz, Porta, Condorcet, &c., who were 
 sustained, perhaps, by the hope of restoring an 
 art once so flourishing as we can readily conjec 
 ture by an inspection of the system of Tyro and 
 the semiography of the ancients. For, long be 
 fore the time of the Knickerbockers ; long before 
 America was dreamed of, except in old Irish 
 prophecies ; long before Charlemagne sat on the 
 throne of Western Europe ; long before the Sar 
 acens had invaded Spain or the Saxons had set 
 foot in Britain ; long before the Roman cut 
 throats who fled into the Pontine marshes had 
 carried off the Sabine women the grand old 
 philosophical Greeks had, according to Dion 
 Cassius, their ' half letters ' or short hand " 
 
 The cynical Host here broke in : " And long 
 before Billy Patterson was struck by the man 
 in the iron mask, and long before Junius wrote 
 the Mulligan letters" 
 
 The Stenographer, with a warning wave of the 
 hand and a muttered "sh/'cut short the inter 
 ruption. 
 
 The Victim of Circumstances resumed : " As 
 I have said, there is more humbug to the square 
 inch in stenography than in anything else, not 
 excepting the occult sciences theosophy, mind- 
 reading, palmistry, cryptomancy, professional 
 jugglery, the new sciences of painting sounds or 
 weighing thoughts, etc. One-quarter tuition or 
 twelve easy lessons, and you have it. 
 
 " Seduced, like others, by brilliant promises, I 
 studied one of the methods in vogue, and, by
 
 220 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 means of it, attained skill enough to write three 
 or four times more rapidly than by the ordinary 
 method ; but when I tried to follow a speaker, 
 even the most deliberate, or a dramatic declama 
 tion, I made a complete failure of it. Having 
 had occasion afterwards to impart my painful 
 confidence to persons who had studied the ab- 
 breviative art, In methods different from those 
 I had followed, they acknowledged that my ex 
 perience had been almost their own. At the 
 same time the superior and well-established ca 
 pacity of those persons not permitting me to 
 attribute their lack of success to the cause which 
 I assumed led to my own failure I was naturally 
 encouraged, and believed that non-success was 
 due to the inefficiency of the means rather than 
 the inaptitude of the scholar. 
 
 " It all comes down to what our greatest poet, 
 Longfellow, says : 
 
 ' Art is long and time is fleeting.' 
 
 "(Yes, if you will, please fill it again.) To show 
 that you are really and truly gazing on the 
 victim of circumstances I shall relate one in 
 stance which this subject brings up that occurred 
 in my little Ijfe.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 221 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 THE STRANGER'S STRANGE NARRATIVES. 
 
 ^T DID a gigantic corporation a good turn 
 
 1 once that is now forgotten, but I shall 
 remember it to my dying day. I was marked 
 as an exhibit in that case and will bear the mark 
 to my grave. I prevented a robbery by the ex 
 ercise of my art " 
 
 " You did," said the Engineer increduously. 
 "Aye," said the other, " I saved the pay-car." 
 "Oh," added the Engineer, " what we call the 
 Salvation car?" 
 
 "Yes," returned the Stranger, "I was the 
 humble means of preventing a well planned 
 robbery." 
 
 '" And, of course," said the Host, "you got the 
 presidency for it ? " 
 
 " No, indeed," answered the Stranger, sadly. 
 " I got jugged, assaulted, and nearly sent up to 
 do time for the State." 
 
 "For saving a train ?" the Engineer inquired, 
 wonderingly. 
 
 "Certainly," rejoined the Stranger. " To re 
 lieve your anxiety I will narrate it with as few 
 words as possible : 
 
 " Years ago, when I became a travele,r on the 
 road, I had tramped and trucked a few hundred 
 miles from San Francisco, and I may say in 
 passing you never experience the real exhilara 
 tion of railroad travel until you ' truck ' it 
 at 50 miles an hour or so. You are fixed in 
 one position, without daring to change, the 
 ground flying under you, death within a few 
 inches of your nose all the time, your feet and
 
 222 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 hands extended and braced against the iron work 
 of the truck unable to make the slightest move 
 ment. The least slip means destruction. Belo"/ 
 the car the dust is often so thick that you can 
 cut it with a shovel and the awful smell of hot 
 oil and steam which is the peculiarity of rapidly 
 moving trains is almost stifling. It is danger 
 ously exhilarating and no mistake. 
 
 I had gone several hundred miles as I say in 
 this manner and was disturbed by an oiler as we 
 stopped at a way-station. I hardly know where 
 it was several miles from Syrroltown, wherever 
 that is. I didn't care much, but I wanted to reach 
 New York. I remember asking a smart young 
 man at the freight house what state I was in, and 
 on his answering that I was in a state of dilapi 
 dation I left him and trudged on over the ties. I 
 footed it for quite a distance, and pardon this 
 further digression, but I take this occasion to 
 remark that constructors of American railroads 
 have, as I firmly believe, intentionally placed the 
 ties in such a position as to tire out the most 
 energetic pedestrian who undertakes to walk on 
 the wood work over the road-bed. The ties are 
 too close for ordinary stepping and to skip one 
 so as to walk on each alternate tie makes the 
 steps so long that fatigue soon supervenes. It 
 has always seemed to me that this was the in 
 tention of the companies the ties are placed as 
 they are with malice aforethought because the 
 more distressing walking becomes the more 
 anxious people are to ride. See ? 
 
 The Real Estate Man nodded : " Quite so." 
 I trudged on, as I say, until I had gone many 
 miles. Judging from the speech and dress of
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 225 
 
 the few people I met, the deep cuts in the road 
 and slaty condition of the banks, I believe I was 
 somewhere in Northern Ohio. I soon became 
 tired, and at a desolate-looking way-station I 
 noticed an empty cattle car side-tracked, and 
 getting on the " off-side " of it found the lattice 
 door open. Quickly entering it I made myself 
 at home, as much so as if I had chartered the 
 car, which I really had done, except that I had 
 not paid for it. 
 
 In the upper end of the car there was a quan 
 tity of hay and as the weather was tolerably mild 
 I made myself comfortable in it and took a long 
 and much needed nap. How long I slept, I 
 knew not. I was awakened by the bump of the 
 car and the clank of the coupling pin that told 
 me my car was hooked on and was soon whirling 
 over the ground at a good lively pace, nearly 
 forty miles an hour as I judged. I can generally 
 tell the speed of a train by one of two simple 
 calculations ; counting the telegraph poles, or 
 observing the frequency with which the wheels 
 strike the ends or joints of the thirty foot rails ; 
 that is, so many feet in a second. For want of a 
 watch I have my pulse with me, and if that fails 
 me (it is seldom out of tune) I can tell within a 
 fraction of the length of a minute by repeating 
 Hamlet's soliloquy or a certain number of 
 lines of Paradise Lost ; ergo : so many feet to a 
 rail, so many rails to a minute or to a mile. 
 For instance, five thirty feet rails to every two 
 seconds, or a hundred and fifty feet is a fraction 
 over fifty miles an hour. If I hear the jolt of 
 the wheels on the rail-joint twice every second, 
 that is sixty feet or forty miles an hour about."
 
 224 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 The speaker paused and glanced furtively at 
 the Engineer as the latter passed his hand weari 
 ly over his forehead and shut his teeth hard on 
 a fresh cud. 
 
 I hoped to reach some civilized community 
 before nightfall. As I lay among the hay I be 
 gan to be racked by a most intolerable thirst, 
 which was somewhat aggravated by the strong, 
 dry odor of the hay with which I was covered. 
 
 My thirst increased to such a degree that I 
 was about to indicate my presence to the brake- 
 man on the forward car and take my chance of 
 getting " fired," when I felt the train slowing up. 
 Approaching the wicket-door and looking out I 
 observed that it was dusk. 
 
 Before the engine had fully stopped on the 
 east side of the " Y " I dropped lightly to the 
 ground and ran along to the station. Finding 
 water in the freight house I took a good pull, 
 and having procured a sandwich returned to my 
 car, which I re-entered on the safe side oppo 
 site the station. I had hardly re-entered, when 
 looking out I saw the disconnected engine and 
 forward cars cross the "Y" to the main track, 
 leaving the cattle car, in which I was, to my great 
 disgust, at a standstill. As I glanced at the 
 moving train the rear brakeman seemed to be 
 making a motion either to me or to the station 
 agent, and I heard him shouting something 
 which I did not catch. 
 
 Fearing discovery and desiring to retain my 
 comfortable quarters, I looked about the car for 
 a better hiding place than the loose hay. I then 
 observed what I had not before noticed, two 
 empty ale casks in a corner of the car, one head-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 225 
 
 less and both bungless. The first of these I 
 raised, turned the headless end down and tipped 
 it over my head. Crouching on the floor on 
 which the chimes rested the barrel effectually 
 concealed me. Once in it I turned in such a 
 way that my eyes and ears were in close proxim 
 ity to the open bunghole. Here I made myself 
 as comfortable as the cramped quarters would 
 permit and waited. Nor had I long to wait. I 
 soon heard the station master stumbling about 
 the car, and peering through the aperture I saw 
 him swing his lantern around and heard the 
 rustle of the dry hay under his heavy feet. 
 Coming to the other end of the car where I was 
 he kicked the barrel which enveloped me with a 
 muttered : "Darn the tramp, Til fix him ; I guess 
 he is in the other." 
 
 The man left the car, and I kept extremely 
 quiet for fully half an hour. I was about to 
 change from my restricted and uncomfortable 
 position, when hearing the rumble r.nd noise of 
 a moving engine, I concluded to keep just where 
 I was till we were fairly coupled and on the 
 road. In a few moments I felt the bumper 
 strike the draw-head, which always makes a pe 
 culiar sound, as you know, sir, unless as too 
 often happens some poor fellow's body serves as 
 a cushion, to prevent injury to the coupling gear 
 of the car. 
 
 The engine had hardly taken up the slack, 
 and I was just about to tilt my house over and 
 emerge, when I heard a suppressed voice say 
 ing : " Jump in boys ; easy, now." By the noise 
 of the shuffling feet I judged I had at least half 
 a dozen others for company. "Whistle for
 
 226 THE ODDITIES OK SHORT HAND. 
 
 Jack," said the same voice, and I put my ear to 
 the bunghole. 
 
 I have a musical ear, gentlemen, and if the 
 new comers were philosophers of the road I 
 would know the signal. It is the tuning gamut 
 of the banjo on the open strings, beginning with 
 A on the second space, and ending with the 
 three G's below the second ledger line. Had 
 this been the signal I should have kicked over 
 my barrel and welcomed the new comers witli 
 that fellow feeling which makes us wondrous 
 kind. I heard the whistle. It was a railroad 
 signal, a long toot and three short ones, and I 
 thought it better to wait a while before pro 
 claiming my presence. 
 
 The man called Jack reached the car before 
 it had got under headway, and I could hear 
 that he was being assisted to enter. The group 
 came up to the corner where I was, and I be 
 gan to feel somewhat uneasy. One of the men 
 sat on the head of the barrel which enclosed 
 me, and I could feel and appreciate the noise 
 his heels made as he swung them against the 
 staves of the ca?k. 
 
 By the time we had settled into a steady run 
 I heard one of the parties say : " Now, do you 
 fellows all understand it?" "I do," one re 
 marked. 
 
 " Well, I ain't got it down very fine," another 
 answered. "That's funny, too," the first voice 
 continued. "The pay train comes in at the 
 Saloonville station ; that is 50 miles from any 
 wheres. No one near there but the telegraph 
 operator, and the side track is most three 
 miles from it. Tom, Jack and you get be-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 227 
 
 hind the trees, and you fellows are tamping 
 on the road and jump on as she slows up. 
 Bill gets in the caboose, as he knows the 
 engineer, and gets up a game euchre, or 
 anything that will bring the crew to the front ; 
 he goes back and pulls the pin as the engine 
 crosses the switch so as to sidetrack the pay- 
 train. It's easy enough just the same as 
 making a flying switch, and she will be going 
 slow over that bit of road ; anyhow you must 
 be right there to throw the switch when Bill 
 waves his hand that the pin is out. You wait 
 till 95 gets on the main and you throw it to cut 
 off the 'pay,' see? It is the only car on. To 
 do it you've got to be spry." 
 
 " I should think he would," the Engineer put 
 in with just a faint tone of doubt. " To throw 
 a switch between the wheels of two trucks when 
 a train is moving, even slowly, requires some 
 agility. But excuse me. Go right on." 
 
 " I am simply telling you what I heard," the 
 Stranger resumed. "Another of the fellows 
 then remarked, " Is it the ' pay' sure ? " 
 
 " Yes," said the one I took to be the leader. 
 
 "Do you think," another spoke up, "They 
 will leave it unprotected like that ?" 
 
 "There will be only one man on it at most," 
 the first speaker returned, "because they don't 
 suspect anything here. If he is ugly we will 
 make short work " 
 
 " Well, I didn't come to do any of that kind 
 of business. I know the Company didn't treat 
 us fair in that strike and put on outsiders. But 
 I don't go for smashing " 
 
 " No more do we," another says, " but 46 will
 
 228 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 stand by us, and if we can do it and get off. it'll 
 be no mor'n squaring things and what's the 
 harm ? We can prove we weren't there if any 
 thing does happen. Bill says he can show an 
 aliby." 
 
 At this there was a general laugh and I began 
 to be a little startled. Here were men with a 
 real or pretended grievance against a corpora 
 tion. They had evidently conspired systemati 
 cally to rob the pay train on the road. As I 
 gathered some were to make a pretence of re 
 pairing the road ; one of them was to engage the 
 attention of the operator at the point near the 
 proposed looting ; another acquainted with the 
 engineer was to board and coax the trains' crew 
 to the caboose and disconnect the pay car which 
 as I understood was at the rear of the train ; a 
 third was to throw the switch, in order to side 
 track it and the gang were to plunder it at their 
 leisure. I confess I was somewhat startled. 
 
 Between the heat of my close quarters and 
 my fear of discovery I felt the cold sweat run 
 ning down my face. I held my breath and no 
 living man can tell the awful tortures I suffered 
 in my wretched cramped position. It was then 
 too late for me to acknowledge my preser.ce. 
 These fellows would know that I had heard the 
 programme discussed, and in order to carry out 
 their designs they might make short work of me. 
 I must remain quiet at all hazards. I think I 
 would have given ten years of my life for an op 
 portunity to sneeze, but I suppressed the terri 
 ble temptation by the most heroic effort. I felt 
 that under the circumstances it might cost me 
 dearly, and my position was not one to be 
 sneezed at.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 22Q 
 
 Hunger and thirst I have grappled with but 
 they are nothing in comparison to what one 
 suffers when endeavoring to choke off or post 
 pone a sneeze or cough, which if allowed to es 
 cape would imperil one's life. 
 
 How I passed the night in that place you can 
 hardly imagine. I stood it somehow, and soon 
 knew by the freshness of the air that daylight 
 was breaking. I gathered from the chat of my 
 companions that we had scarce fifty miles to go, 
 a journey of less than two hours as we were 
 then traveling. 
 
 After a while we began to slow up and I 
 heard my fellow passengers making prepara 
 tions to leave. Our car was to continue on,, 
 though we were to wait a short time on the 
 switch to let the 8.30 pass us. 
 
 As we slowed up they all left the car and the 
 other train passed us at a rapid rate. I waited 
 till my fellow travelers were some distance away 
 before emerging from my hiding place. I had 
 no burning desire to let them know that their 
 plans had been heard. There was a curve in 
 the road near by and when they reached it and 
 turned, I felt that I might leave unobserved; 
 at that point I dropped off and started to walk 
 slowly behind the others who were some few 
 hundred yards away. Shortly after the train 
 started to reach the next switching point some 
 eighteen miles distant. It was scarcely out of 
 sight before I bitterly -regretted my want of 
 thought in not acquainting the train hands with 
 what I had heard. 
 
 Here I was in a desolate part of the line, no 
 one near but half a dozen desperate men bent on
 
 230 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 committing a crime, and single-handed I could 
 not hope to cope with them. 
 
 True, in an isolated freight shanty some miles 
 up the road there was a telegraph operator. He 
 was in all probability alone, and would soon be 
 in the clutches of these lawless fellows ; more 
 over there was no train due on this line till seve 
 ral hours after the pay car train. 
 
 I thought of all this and cursed myself for my 
 stupidity in letting the train go, without an effort 
 on my part to state the condition of affairs to the 
 company's employees. 
 
 When I looked at the situation of things, I 
 tried to convince myself that it was not my busi 
 ness to interfere. Perhaps it was all for the 
 best, and if the railroad company could stand it, 
 why not I ? In all probability these men had 
 been ill-treated, and were actuated solely by 
 tvhat is called the wild justice of revenge. I 
 soon dismissed this sophistry as I thought of the 
 many poor wives so anxiously awaiting the ar 
 rival of the pay-car, and finally concluded it was 
 my bounden duty as a man to do my best to pre 
 vent the consummation of the crime. 
 
 I left the road-bed, struck through a path in 
 the woods, and as I walked along I became so 
 exasperated at my stupidity that I finally sat 
 down under a tree to think it out. Having 
 turned the matter over in my mind, I arrived at 
 the conclusion that there was a bare chance if I 
 hurried on of reaching the operator's hut before 
 the others, in time to warn him, so that he could 
 telegraph for help. 
 
 Starting to my feet, I struck out on a good 
 brisk walk through the woods, keeping the tele-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 23 
 
 graph poles in sight for " bearings," in the di 
 rection, as I supposed, of the telegraph station. 
 
 After a steady half-hour's tramp, in which I 
 lost ground travelling through the woods, I ob 
 served smoke arising from the direction of the 
 track, and, conjecturing that it came from the 
 operator's hut, I made for that point. 
 
 As I reached the clearing, I saw a rough look 
 ing customer just entering the operator's shanty. 
 Quickening my pace, I crossed the threshold be 
 fore he had hardly time to speak to the opera 
 tor. 
 
 The fellow had the grimy look of a railroad 
 employe, and seemed somewhat displeased at my 
 presence; and, though he addressed me as mate, 
 his manner seemed to indicate that my company 
 was not entirely welcome. 
 
 In answer to his interrogatories, I informed 
 him that I was going westward, a fib, on my 
 part, to which he replied: "There ain't noth 
 ing here, mate, but, if you go two miles below, 
 there's a farm-house ,and very nice people, too 
 never turned a hungry man away. Push right 
 on, mate." 
 
 As I had just come from that direction and 
 had seen no farm-house, I felt that my little fal 
 sification was quite dwarfed in comparison with 
 'lis big whopper, but I mentally called it even. 
 I noticed that he looked rather displeased be 
 cause I did not leave instantly. 
 
 I sauntered over to the operator, whom I 
 thought much too young and effeminate looking 
 for an isolated, lonely-looking spot like that, and 
 was about to whisper to him, when the fellow at 
 the door ar.d another, whom he called Jake, that
 
 232 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 I had not previously seen, approached me before 
 I had time to wink, and in a manner that I 
 thought exceedingly threatening. 
 
 " Get out, you ! Clear ! Come, git ! Make 
 yourself scarce," the new comer said, authorita 
 tively. 
 
 Under the circumstances, I felt that to blurt 
 out my suspicions, or to attempt any conversa 
 tion with the operator, might lead to my mal 
 treatment by these two burly ruffians. I was no 
 match for either one of them. I endeavored to 
 temporize, but saw at once that they did not in 
 tend to give me an opportunity to speak to the 
 telegraph agent, and I concluded it would be 
 foolhardy in the extreme for me to insist upon 
 doing so, at the risk of what might be serious 
 consequences to myself. 
 
 In an humble and conciliatory tone, I said : 
 " Well, gents, I am a poor, tired tramp. I just 
 want to rest here a couple of minutes and then I 
 am off." 
 
 "Well, make it short and hook it quick," 
 growled Jake's companion. 
 
 I looked furtively at the operator, but his 
 glance at me was one of blank, innocent igno 
 rance, and that was all. 
 
 I stood gazing out of the window, thinking 
 what was best to be done, and raised my coat 
 sleeve, in a casual way, to wipe off the condensed 
 steam which had formed on the window glass. 
 It came from the kettle on the stove, which was 
 steaming merrily over the little fire, the smoke 
 of which had attracted my attention when the 
 operator was preparing his frugal lunch. 
 
 One glance at the window-pane and I adopted 
 a ruse.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 233 
 
 "Is that an eagle? " I suddenly cried, looking 
 out of the upper sash. 
 
 " Where ? " cried Jake and his companion, si 
 multaneously. 
 
 " There he goes," I said, "away behind those 
 trees." 
 
 They both rushed to the doorway and looked 
 out. 
 
 I winked at the operator, and. with my fore 
 finger, made this mark on the window-pane: 
 
 V C (Can you read this ?) 
 A knowing glance from the 
 
 young man, as, with a swish of j his foot on 
 the saw-dust floor, he answered : o (Yes.) 
 
 I then, in an apparently absent-minded way, 
 drew, with my fingers, these characters on 
 the steamed and not over-clean glass : 
 
 x 
 
 (Good: These fellows, and others on the switch, 
 have made it up to rob the pay-train. Look 
 out!), and moved towards the door to get a better 
 view, as it were, of the " invisible " eagle. In 
 passing, I looked at the floor, near the operator's 
 chair, and saw where his heel had scraped the 
 saw-dust from the floor, leaving a vacant spot, 
 like this : s A (All right !) 
 
 Having observed this and failing, of 
 
 course, to see the " eagle," I was about returning 
 to my place at the window when Jake's compan 
 ion interposed his burly form at the threshold, 
 as he growled : " You better go, now. You
 
 234 THE ODDITIFS OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 ain't wanted. Is he .' " Naw," remarked the 
 other, "chuck him." 
 
 Without awaiting foi anything in the way of 
 physical force that I sav\ ready for me I left and 
 started to walk down th-^ road. Having gone 
 about a hundred yards I turned abruptly into 
 the woods, approached the hut again at the 
 rear side and put my ear close to the weather 
 boards. 
 
 Doubtless Jake and his companion congratu 
 lated themselves that the telegraph operator wa? 
 completely in the dark, and surmised that ever 
 if we did suspect anything and intended to in 
 terfere with their plan, we would hardly do so 
 as we were short handed. We were even mor( 
 short handed than they supposed we were." 
 
 The Host here ostentatiously opened the win 
 dow and gasped. 
 
 The Stranger smiled broadly, and resumed : 
 " I saw Jake's companion leave the shanty and 
 walk down towards the switch where his mates 
 were, leaving Jake to divert the attention of the 
 young operator. 
 
 Soon the whistle of the pay train was heard, 
 the operator rushed out to give the necessary 
 signal and the " O K " and went in again, while 
 Jake stood in the doorway. The latter then 
 started, as I supposed, down to where he thought 
 the train was to be halted, on a run. I immedi 
 ately left my place of concealment and went in 
 to chat with the young man, and congratulate 
 myself on having played such a shrewd game on 
 the would-be robbers. 
 
 I introduced myself to the operator, and while 
 talking with him about my connection with the
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 23$ 
 
 matter, I fancied I heard a whistle. Being ab 
 sorbed in my narrative, I gave little attention to 
 it, supposing that my late traveling companions 
 were signalling to each other while pursuing the 
 train on foot, which was doubtless, as the opera 
 tor said, far out of danger by this time. I was 
 detailing with some satisfaction to the operator 
 how I discovered the plot in all its bearings when 
 the whistle was repeated close at hand. 
 
 A loud shout broke on my ear. 
 
 It was near by. 
 
 I started to the door with an intuitive percep 
 tion that my personal safety was in danger. 
 
 Too late. 
 
 Jake in leaving the hut had made a detour 
 through the woods as I had, and had observed 
 me listening at the shanty eaves. Perhaps he 
 suspected something of the kind and whistled 
 softly to his companion. While waiting for him 
 he had crouched behind the house after I had 
 re-entered it, and had heard me narrate my 
 share in the up-setting of the proposed plan. In 
 a short time his companion returned in answer 
 to his repeated signal, and before I could rush 
 out they were upon us. 
 
 We were no match for them at all. 
 
 With oaths and imprecations Jake was at me. 
 I made a feeble show of fight, but after the first 
 smash between the eyes I just remember falling 
 and seeing the rest of the baffled conspirators 
 rush in to aid Jake and his friend in finishing us 
 up. 
 
 I remember as I was going down seeing Jake's 
 companion jumping with both feet on the pros 
 trate body of the delicate young operator, while 
 the others took a hand in at me.
 
 236 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT rfAND. 
 
 After the first two or three heavy kicks I was 
 unconscious, and could never tell for how many 
 hours. 
 
 When I came to I was in the lock-up in the 
 nearest village, many miles from the scene of 
 the assault. 
 
 I had been almost killed and was dreadfully 
 weak. In fact, nothing saved my life, as I be 
 lieve, but the crowd about me during the attack, 
 who stood so close to one another that they 
 interfered with each other in their desperate 
 and well-nigh successful attempt to do for me. 
 
 As I say, I was in the village jail. Generally 
 prepared as I am for anything that comes along, 
 I was somewhat surprised to find myself in such 
 a place. How I came there is the singular part 
 of this story. 
 
 When I recovered sufficiently to know or care 
 about anything, I managed by dint of question 
 ing the old fellow that ran the guard house to 
 discover why I was there. 
 
 I really thought that I had suffered enough 
 for justice's sake, and that the villagers, or at 
 least the railroad company, whose property I 
 had almost died in saving, would at least see 
 that a clean bed was provided for me on which 
 to lie 
 
 The Host in a loud whisper suggested : "But, 
 you know, sir, some people don't need it ; they 
 can do it anyway " 
 
 The dangerous glitter in the Coroner's gray 
 eye choked off the ironical gentleman. 
 
 " And decent food to eat," the stranger con- 
 tinued. 
 
 "Well, now, don't you know what you air
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 237 
 
 here for?" said the farmer jailer to me. "You're 
 a cute one, you air. I guess you'll go up for 
 this." 
 
 Subsequently he brought me the village paper 
 saying, " If you can read, this will tell you just 
 what you air here for. " 
 
 I read it and gasped. " For God's sake, 
 does this refer to me this account ? " 
 
 "Why in course," the jailer said with a 
 chuckle. " You're a cooler, you air." I never 
 was so shocked. 
 
 The village weekly contained this account of 
 my heroism I do not think that word is too 
 strong : 
 
 DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO ROB A TRAIN. 
 
 "On Wednesday last, several blood-thirsty villains, 
 members of the Jones gang of cut-throats, made a deter 
 mined and well-nigh successful attempt to loot the pay-car 
 on Mug Junction, near Selineville, which passed at 12.30. 
 But for the wise precautions which the officials of the rail 
 road had taken, as per our repeated warnings, the month 
 ly compensation of many of our esteemed townsmen 
 would have been seized by a gang of blood-thirsty and 
 unhung villains. It seems that an endeavor was made to 
 derail the train, which was frustrated by the gallant and 
 vigilant train hands, under the directions of the polite of 
 ficials of the road, who read and profit by the sound ad 
 vice given in the columns of the Horn Blower. Owing 
 to this, the desperate attempt was unsuccessful, and the 
 pay-car passed on its way unretarded, bringing joy to 
 thousands of happy homes. 
 
 "Maddened by their failure, the scoundrels made a 
 concerted attack on the operator at the shanty nearest the 
 scene of the attempted outrage, and, though he defended 
 himself bravely, putting at least one of his assailants hors 
 du combat, we hear that young Carson is frightfully if not 
 fatally injured. He was brought to the hospital at the 
 county-seat, and we learned from Mrs. Mulligan, who 
 brought eggs there yesterday morning, that he is not ex 
 pected to recover. He defended himself with such brav 
 ery that one of the scoundrels was left weltering in his 
 gore, and this unhung malefactor is now in the lockup. 
 
 " Unfortunately, the other villains escaped, but we shall
 
 238 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 deem it our public duty to hunt the rascals down. The 
 cut-throat who is now confined in the lockup, is seriously 
 injured. Should he recover sufficiently, he will be taken 
 to the county-seat to receive the punishment he so richly 
 deserves. We regret to state, by later advices, that young 
 Carson is still unconscious, as we learn from that distin 
 guished disciple of Esculapius, the world-famed Dr. Bol- 
 lus, a constant reader of the Horn Blower, who give* lit 
 tle hope of his recovery. 
 
 "There are several applicants for young Carson's posi 
 tion but we have not as yet decided whom to support. 
 
 "Now is the time to subscribe for the Horn Blower. 
 Potatoes and butter taken in subscription. That this 
 dastardly outrage was nipped in the bud, is due to the 
 persistent warnings published in the brilliant columns of 
 this live paper, is admitted on all sides. Now is the time 
 to subscribe ! Positively, baled-hay will not be accepted 
 at the desk for subscriptions, under any circumstances." 
 
 You smile at this, gentlemen, but I assure 
 you it frightened me. What would be my posi 
 tion, I thought, if the operator, Carson, they 
 called him, should not recover sufficiently to 
 state the facts in the case, or should ignore my 
 part in the transaction altogether as this 
 wretched editor seemed to assume. 
 
 I was in a fix and a bad one. This was a 
 farming community, hard-headed, matter-of-fact 
 people. What credence would they give to my 
 story? It seemed to me from the tone of the 
 newspaper and the crowd of open-mouthed vil 
 lagers that came to stare at me that instead of 
 being looked upon as a peaceful honest man 
 who had gone out of his way and even suffered 
 to prevent a felony, I was in reality considered 
 and exhibited as a most dastardly villain. 
 
 The more I thought of the situatio*n the less I 
 liked it, and began to wish that I hadn't been 
 quite so free to offer myself as a martyr in the 
 cause of justice. 
 
 If the operator did not come forward who
 
 THE ODDITIES OB SHORT HAND. 239 
 
 would believe me ? Who would substantiate 
 my statement ? Certainly not those who as 
 saulted me. No one saw it besides myself, those 
 who took part in it as my assailants and Carson; 
 and, if he were not capable and willing to help 
 me out of this uncomfortable dilemma, how 
 could I prove that I was not one of the gang ? 
 A stranger in a strange land, without friends, 
 alone, I began to curse myself for being a reck 
 less and a meddlesome fool. True, I could 
 deny that I was guilty of a felony, yet, denial is 
 one thing, proof another. 
 
 I sincerely hoped for my own sake as well as 
 for his, that Carson would be sufficiently re 
 covered to attend my trial. He failed to appear. 
 I learned afterwards that he had been conscious 
 at one time of his illness during which he had 
 made a partial statement. The company had 
 a dispatch to corroborate this. On the strength 
 of that information the pay car was given the 
 right of way. The operator bad failed to state 
 where he derived his information before he 
 again lost consciousness, and he seemed to have 
 forgotten my part of the transaction altogether. 
 In every aspect the outlook for me was exceed 
 ingly blue. 
 
 I have been in many scrapes and I could per 
 ceive that in this one I had struck the worst of 
 them all, and all for no benefit to myself. It was 
 dreadful, but I still hoped that my usual good 
 fortune would stand by me. It was a forlorn 
 hope. The very fact that I had so often and 
 anxiously inquired about the condition of Car 
 son was taken against me. The wise men of 
 the village supposed that my anxiety arose from
 
 240 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 the fear that I would be charged with his mur 
 der if he died. 
 
 I declare to you, gentlemen, I was in a haz 
 ardous position. The awful beating I had re 
 ceived, the pain of which still racked my body, 
 was nothing to the mental suffering I under 
 went during those dreary days while waiting to 
 be brought up as a criminal to the County 
 Court. 
 
 But I will hurry through and tell you the up 
 shot of it all. 
 
 My so-called trial or examination came on. 
 I was indicted for an attempt at grand larceny 
 in the ist degree and felonious assault, by an 
 idiotic lot of lunkheads called the Grand Jury 
 and the State made what appeared to be a clear 
 case against me. 
 
 I was a despised tramp, hence, an incorrigible 
 thief. Friendless, moneyless, powerless, weak 
 and disheartened as I was I attempted to make 
 a true statement of the facts, as I have related 
 them here, to the county judge, one Nore by 
 name, an irascible, fussy old gentleman, per 
 haps an honest man but I'll never believe it. 
 He refused to even hear me then, and remanded 
 me in the custody of the sheriff. While being 
 conveyed to the jail I endeavored to make a 
 friend of this official and told him my story sub 
 stantially as I have been telling it to you and 
 offered to depose solemnly to its truth. He 
 listened, rubbing his chin thoughtfully and said 
 with a good deal of native sarcasm when I got 
 through, " Young feller, do you expect any 
 body around here to swallow that ere yarn? 
 Do you think you can impose on this ere court
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 24! 
 
 of ourn by any such stuff as that ? She aint to 
 be trifled with I can tell you. Better own up. 
 You'll see you air committed to await the result 
 of this ere murderous assault you have commit 
 ted on this ere young man." He cut short my 
 protests of innocence as we reached the jail and 
 placed me in the custody of one of his minions 
 with the remark, " Handcuff this villain, officer, 
 and lock him up." 
 
 I was finally brought up to plead, my story 
 repeated to the court, and the judge assigned a 
 very young lawyer to defend me ; then I felt 
 that my case was hopeless. 
 
 In the dissecting room a " stiff" is sometimes 
 given over to a young surgeon to practice on, and 
 however much he cuts it there is no harm done. 
 I was the first victim this young lawyer had, and 
 whether I was guilty or not made no particular 
 difference; he was going to have the pleasure of 
 talking to the court, he would have his name in 
 the county paper and get some notoriety out of 
 it in any event. But I am rambling too much. 
 I can hardly bear even now to relate coolly that 
 whole wretched business. A great philosopher 
 truly remarks that when a man begins to go 
 down hill everything seems to be greased for the 
 occasion. It was so in my case. Without being 
 too prolix, the upshot of my trial was that I 
 was acquitted in a way, partly because of the 
 friendly interference of a lawyer who repre 
 sented a rival railroad, and mainly because 
 young Carson recovered. Carson failed to iden 
 tify me as one of his assailants, but acted as 
 I thought, in a weak, half-hearted way ; and, as 
 I verily believe, did his level best to keep all 
 the glory of the thing to himself.
 
 442 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 Owing to his failure to identify me and the 
 efforts of the lawyer in the employ of the other 
 company, I was finally acquitted in a way, as I 
 remarked, a sort of a Scotch verdict, " Not 
 proven," was rendered in my case. My counsel 
 insisted on producing the sash on which I said 
 I had written in warning to the operator. It 
 was brought to court, but the steam had long 
 since dried on it, although by holding it to the 
 light some faint traces of dust from the ends of 
 my fingers appeared in odd streaks. The mag 
 istrate leaned back and smiled, and of course the 
 jury seeing the judge smile, guffawed at the 
 whole thing as too silly to be considered ; how 
 ever, the statement of the operator that he 
 could not recognize me as one of his assailants, 
 and the fact that the attempt at the looting had 
 been a failure, did more for me than justice 
 (who is always represented blind and is often 
 deaf and dumb) could have done. 
 
 I was thrown out of jail, sick, sore and char 
 acterless, and got thirty days to leave the county. 
 I told them I didn't need half the time. Thirty 
 minutes would do me. I shook its dust from 
 my wearied feet, and when I got far enough 
 away indulged in good, strong, satisfactory de 
 nunciation of the ignorant dogberry and fat- 
 headed jury who would have made a felon out 
 of a martyr, and left the cursed place. 
 
 I need scarcely say that this sickened me con 
 siderably on the short hand business. Perhaps 
 decency demands that I should add this : Sub 
 sequently when young Carson had fully recov 
 ered, he was profuse in his apologies, and sent 
 me a family pass to ride free on that railroad.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 243 
 
 I have no family ; if I were a Mormon, and 
 " sealed unto " Mrs. Brigham Young and her 
 progeny, I should take good care to keep them 
 a great distance from the Mud Chunk and 
 Selineville Railroad Co.'s roadbed in the State 
 of 
 
 That is all. I may say further, in justice to 
 Carson, that he was the means of getting me a 
 position with a certain gentleman, who made 
 me his private secretary. 
 
 This was a retired lav er and a great book 
 worm, who lived at his country seat, not far 
 from Trenton. Here I had free access to his 
 large library, and many of the creature comforts 
 which, to ordinary men, make up the pleasures 
 of life, although there was a routine sameness 
 about it not entirely to my liking. My employer 
 had a ward, his niece, who was on a visit to Mr. 
 Mason, near Philadelphia, an old friend of her 
 guardian. The lawyer's daughter had conceived 
 an aversion to the ward, which, I think, was one 
 of the reasons for the latter's protracted visit at 
 Mason's. This daughter made it a constant 
 practice to open all letters which came to her 
 father. I cannot tell you how much this an 
 noyed me, or why it should do so. I was not 
 fool enough to complain of it to him. I assumed 
 he knew it, and believe it vexed him quite as 
 much as it disgusted me. Somewhat under the 
 influence of the daughter, as I thought, he did 
 not seem anxious to assert his rights in this 
 respect, and it was not for me to interfere. 
 
 On one occasion he directed me to write to his 
 friend in regard to the character of a young man 
 residing in his (Mason's) vicinity, who had been
 
 244 E ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 introduced to the ward, and who, as I under 
 stood, was somewhat smitten. Mason, as I knew, 
 had at one time been a teacher of stenography, 
 and I suggested to my employer that perhaps 
 his friend might send his answer to that letter 
 in characters that I alone could read. The idea 
 tool: at once. Although he did not say so, the 
 lawyer saw it would checkmate his meddlesome 
 daughter, end the letter was dispatched to 
 Mason. The answer came duly to hand, and I 
 will never forget "he look of blank dismay, if 
 not digu^t., on the daughter's face, as she brought 
 up the open stenographic letter to her father. It 
 was as follows : (See page 245.) 
 
 I translated it this way : " In reply to yours 
 of the i2th, I have made inquiry as to the stand 
 ing of the party, which is not altogether satis 
 factory. As I am informed, the younger brother 
 is a liar (I do not vouch for this at all), he 
 himself, though not a professional in the best 
 sense of the word, has charge of a gang of 
 burglars, and is, in my opinion, an agent having 
 entree into the best houses here, and the mother 
 is a woman addicted to drink. 
 
 Deep in the fountains of knowledge as you 
 are now, do what you deem best in the premises. 
 He has invited your ward to the elite social this 
 evening, and I have consented. 
 
 Your old friend, 
 
 J. L. MASON." 
 
 Well, you had better believe that after that 
 endorsement the old fellow was red hot. A 
 sharp letter was immediately sent to Mason or 
 dering him to seclude the girl and positively 
 prohibiting any intercourse between the young
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 245 
 
 < ( y 
 
 'VT- 
 
 \ 
 
 
 c 
 
 f
 
 246 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 people at all. It ended by requesting the ward 
 to return at once and contained a pertinent post 
 script suggesting to Mason the advisability of 
 keeping designing scoundrels out of his house. 
 
 An hour before train time the lawyer was at 
 the station despite the fact that he had so per 
 emptorily ordered his ward home. 
 
 She passed him at some place on the road and 
 as he failed to find her waiting to receive him at 
 the porch of his friend's house as usual, he at 
 once jumped to the conclusion that the "scoun 
 drel " had run off with her. 
 
 Darting into Mason's parlor he blurted out : 
 " Where is my ward, sir ? " His offensive tone 
 was a surprise to the other who answered in 
 kind : "What do you mean, sir?" The lawyer 
 retorted : " Oh, this is your friendship for me, 
 exposing my dead sister's child to the wiles of a 
 burglar and one of a family of criminals and 
 drunkards you old deceiver ! " 
 
 Human nature could not stand this ; Mason 
 retorted hotly. They bandied hard words 
 and epithets without explanation. " Deceiver," 
 "Idiot," "Old Reprobate" and "Scoundrel" 
 were the common expressions. One word fol 
 lowed another, and the two old fellows finally 
 "squared off," and came to blows. As I was 
 afterwards informed they wrestled around that 
 room and broke nearly four hundred dollars' 
 worth of bric-a-brac in the struggle. It took 
 them four days to get over it. See this ? " 
 
 The tramp lifted the matted hair from the 
 back of his head and exhibited a long white 
 spot. 
 
 " I got that when I went down the stairs."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 247 
 
 "Wasn't that an odd way to travel?" the 
 Coroner asked. 
 
 " Well, I went quick it was a good way to get 
 ahead. You see I got one." 
 
 The fact is, I most " busted " love's young 
 dream by mistranslating, as anybody might, a 
 few words in the letter. It was all the fault of 
 the writer, not mine, though I was made the 
 scapegoat. 
 
 This is what Mason claims he wrote : 
 
 " The younger brother is a lawyer, etc. He 
 himself, though not a professional in the best 
 sense of the word, has charge of a gang of brick 
 layers, and is in my opinion a gentleman having 
 entree into the best houses here ; and the mother 
 is a woman educated to drink deep in the foun 
 tains of knowledge as you are. Now, do what 
 you deem best, etc." He explained that "which 
 is not satisfactory " referred not to the standing 
 of the party, but to his inquiry. 
 
 It seems the fellow referred to was a promi 
 nent builder of good family and quite a catch for 
 the ward. The girl almost lost him and I suf 
 fered for it as you see. I have forgiven the as 
 sault on me but nevertheless got " chucked." 1 
 may say therefore that I was knocked out of the 
 short hand profession. Nor am I sorry ; there 
 are too many uncertainties in it for my taste 
 allow me, please, to warm this poker once more. 
 I was in that case the victim of circumstances. 
 
 I then tackled newspaper work and became a 
 veritable Bohemian. It was not unlike the easy, 
 careless, untramelled life of a free-born Amer 
 ican citizen such as I now enjoy. Incidentally 
 1 gave a stockholder of the company that pub-
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 iished the paper on which I was employed, just 
 what he deserved, and I got cashiered. 
 
 The victim was at hand to meet the circum 
 stances as usual. 
 
 Subsequently I was told by a friend that there 
 would be a snug berth in a certain department 
 for anyone who would pass the Civil Service 
 examination. I tried it. But during my prev 
 ious connection with the press in an evil hour, 
 as it was the fashion then to ridicule the whole 
 system of civil service examination, I took a 
 hand in, from an Irish point of view and made 
 the wit broad and strong ; and 
 
 THIS WAS THE STORY : 
 
 Murty McAffee, a neighbor iv me own, was 
 telling the trouble he had with the civil service 
 examiners. Mind you, Murty's a good a pavior 
 as ever handled a rammer, and the poor fellow 
 has a lot of little ones to be given the bit and sup 
 to, and needs a job bad enough, poor man ; so 
 up he goes to pass his examination before them 
 fellows. Seeing he was a pavior, the first ques 
 tion they axed him was, " What's the proper 
 weight of a stone ? " 
 
 "Why;" said Murty, "where I kem from, 
 fourteen pounds goes to a stone." So the ex 
 aminers smiled, and one of them said : " That's 
 one point agin you, Mr. Patrick." Then said 
 another one : " Do you know anything about 
 Troy weight ? " 
 
 " Faith, I do, sir," says Murty. " I worked on 
 the West Shore road, with other decent men, 
 when it was built, and I had a good long wait at 
 Troy for me hard earnin's." 
 
 " Well," said the examiner^ " can you tell us 
 how many ounces in a pound of Troy weight?" 
 
 " Indeed, sir," says Murty, " two half-pounds 
 weight, of eight ounces each, will do it"
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 249 
 
 " Yer out agin," says the examiner. "That is 
 another percentage agin you." So me poor 
 Murty got vexed, and small blame to him, and 
 says he, purty hot like, " I know it's sixteen 
 ounces be Brooklyn weight, and be New York 
 weight, but if yer going to regulate the givin'" of 
 work to a man here, or fix the weight of things 
 here be the weight of things in Troy and Albany, 
 and them forrin parts, you can keep your ould 
 job. There's no home rule in that," and he 
 started to leave. 
 
 " Hould on there," says another of the examin 
 ers. "You have one more chance yet, me good 
 man. How much in a pour d whe~e ir ou came 
 from ? " 
 
 " Twenty shillings," says Murty, and the ex 
 aminers started to laugh till they were crying. 
 
 Murty got be the door, and says he : " Gintle- 
 men, I answer the question now. You asked me 
 what's in a pound, and I'll tell you, on me oath, 
 I often seen better lookin' and better behaved 
 dogs in a pound than any of yez, and their own 
 ers wouldn't bother their heads to give fifty 
 cents apiece to take them out." And then Mur 
 ty had all the laugh to himself. You see, he was 
 a Fardown, and he didn't let it go with them so 
 aisy. 
 
 The examiners, somehow or other, discovered 
 that I was the author. 
 
 " Did you pass?" said the Host, as he recov 
 ered composure. 
 
 " Pass ! O Lord, no. It was as much as my 
 life was worth to pass one of the commissioners 
 on the street, long after that ; and you readily 
 perceive that again the Victim had a disastrous 
 collision with the Circumstances." 
 
 " You have seen many ups and downs in your 
 life-battle," observed the Coroner, kindly. 
 
 " Aye," answered the Victim. " I could talk
 
 250 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 to you steadily for five hours, without a break. 
 (At this the Lawyer looked uneasily towards the 
 door.) But what is the use?" the Stranger went 
 on. " Yet, talking about battles, I may say I 
 saw the field of the greatest of modern times." 
 
 " Indeed," said the Engineer. " Now you are 
 coming to something interesting. When ? what? 
 and where ? " 
 
 " Gettysburg," said the Tramp, solemnly. "I 
 walked by that field on June zgth, two days be 
 fore the carnage. I did not see the murder be 
 ing done, but the field, afterwards. I was not a 
 hero that went in to kill his fellow men ; not a 
 hired assassin ; not a soldier ; not even that most 
 spiritless creature called a substitute, bought by 
 the coward who so patrioticallv shed his blood 
 by proxy. 
 
 " An humble citizen of the world was I ; aye, 
 tramp, if you will, yet I made no widows or or 
 phans durng that awful struggle. 
 
 " Gentlemen,' continued the stranger, impress 
 ively,. " rising generations will never know, and 
 can scarcely imagine the awful scenes witnessed, 
 the dreadful things enacted can have not the 
 faintest conception of the excruciating sufferings 
 of the wounded, the agony of the dying, after 
 that tremendous grapple, in the summer of '63, 
 on that bloody field. 
 
 "Those who talk the most of it saw the least 
 of it ; the best men never returned, for true it is 
 that ' the flower of the army has enriched the 
 southern dust.' 
 
 " A peaceful citizen, trudging alone the coun 
 try road, I saw the blossoms in the peach-orch 
 ard before the 2imbs and boughs were splintered 
 and riven by solid shot and shrieking shell.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 251 
 
 " I beheld the white wheat-stalks waving in 
 that memorable field, ere they were trodde i be 
 neath the feet of maddened horses and demoniac 
 men. 
 
 " The breeze that swayed the grass on ' Little 
 Round Top' cooled my heated brow. 
 
 " My shoeless feet trod the Gettysburg road, 
 ere the dust was laid in our people's blood. 
 
 " The valley lay smiling before me ; the undu 
 lating hills lifted their verdure-crowned caps to 
 the sunlight, and wee chipmunks played hide- 
 and-seek through the gaps of that old wall, the 
 stones of which were soon dyed a deepest red. 
 
 " I beheld and appreciated the quiet restful- 
 ness of that garden spot, and, after the slaughter, 
 I saw it again. O, God, what a change ! " The 
 Stranger covered his face with his grimy hands, 
 as though to shut out the vision before his 
 mind's eye. 
 
 " Yes, I saw it. Would to God I had been 
 born blind. And, to-day, its humblest and truest 
 heroes, those who were thrust to the front ; who 
 left their bones to the sward and their flesh to 
 the buzzards, are forgotten by the busy world. 
 
 " Gentlemen, I may not express myself with 
 facility or felicity, but I do believe that at times 
 there arises within my breast that indescribable 
 glow or feeling experienced by the true poet 
 and true musician that aspiration which lifts 
 us high above the grovelling things of earth and 
 makes us know that ^en though the trail of the 
 serpent is over us all, yet, man is only a little 
 lower than the angels. Pardon me once more, 
 friends, while I essay to recite to you in my 
 poor way a few line^ of mine, which give a faint
 
 252 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 description of what I saw on that field, entitled 
 Peace and War : 
 
 I. 
 
 The air was soft ; the summer breeze 
 Scarce rustled the grey dried grass 
 
 And the cattle rested beneath the trees 
 That skirted the mountain pass. 
 
 II. 
 
 The dust lay thick on the quivering leaves 
 
 As adown the fierce sun glowed, 
 And the barn -yard fowls made a resting place 
 
 In the soft dry loam of the road. 
 
 III. 
 
 The chirp of the merry cricket, 
 
 The buzz of the summer fly, 
 The redbreast's "tweet " in the thicket, 
 
 The catbird's piercing cry ; 
 The blossomed boughs of the fruit tree 
 
 In the passing zephyrs nod, 
 And bend in fullest promise 
 
 At the bid of a bounteous God. 
 The house dog lolls on the sheltered porch, 
 
 The farmer sleeps in the shade ; 
 The winsome lark from his leafy perch 
 
 Wooes his feathered mate in the glade. 
 The ripe white wheat, the tasselled corn, 
 
 The hum of the passing bee 
 Betoken to all that summer is born 
 
 And'nature is lavish and free. 
 
 IV. 
 
 The resting kine in the meadows rise 
 And bend their heads to the West, 
 
 The house dog growls and the silence dies 
 As the farmer wakes from his rest.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 253 
 
 V. 
 A faint low sound from the edge of the wood, 
 
 Now lost now loud and clear, 
 Breaks Sabbath's quiet and restful mood 
 
 To the strained and listening ear. 
 
 VI. 
 Nearer and louder, the tramp of feet 
 
 From the east and west they come, 
 Breaking the corn and crushing the wheat 
 
 To the martial roll of the drum. 
 
 VII. 
 The measured tramp of the serried ranks, 
 
 The crash of the yielding rail, 
 And stalwart soldiers in solid phalanx 
 Meet in the peaceful vale. 
 ****** 
 
 VIII. 
 The last low sighs of the dying men, 
 
 The ' ' swish ' ' of the bending sheaves, 
 The bullets' thud, the spattering blood 
 
 That drips on the withered leaves 
 Are lost in the scream of the stricken steed ; 
 
 The boom of the Catling gun, 
 The shouts and yells, the whistling shells 
 
 That scatter and kill and stun. 
 And the musket shot the bayonet clash, 
 
 The cries of grappling men, 
 And the cheering shout at the onwaid dash 
 
 Are echoed from valley to glen. 
 ****** 
 
 Oh ! on that summer's day was a victory -won, 
 
 But the grass is no longer dry, 
 And dead men glare at the westering sun 
 
 With dull unlustred eye. 
 The road once dusty is dark and damp, 
 
 And the sun, like a blood-red flame, 
 Slowly sinks in the crimsoned clouds, 
 
 And hides its face in shame !
 
 254 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 The members nodded silently and approving 
 ly as they looked at each other. 
 
 The matter-of-fact Host was the first to break 
 the silence : " War may be distasteful perhaps 
 criminal in some respects, but after all isn't it 
 admittedly a stern necessity?" 
 
 "Aye," remarked the Lawyer, "it may be. 
 Curiously enough it has been called with the 
 dove and the olive branch the harbinger of 
 peace, and perhaps it deserves the appellation." 
 
 " How so," quoth the stranger. 
 
 "Because," the other answered, "it *s written, 
 War brings famine ; famine brings peace ; peace 
 brings industry ; industry makes plenty ; plenty 
 brings luxury ; luxury makes idleness ; and idle 
 ness breeds war. And thus it goes round and 
 round ; for, some now live, but all must die ; 
 thus runs the world away." 
 
 "I see," said the Stranger, with a look of deep 
 thought in his eyes. " As my friend, Bill Shakes 
 peare puts it, 'All the world's a stage.' Some 
 enter and leave immediately, having travelled to 
 the end of their journey. Others ride farther 
 before they reach their destination. Others 
 again make a longer trip, but all leave at one 
 time or another. There is a constant transfer or 
 shifting of passengers, and the stage is ever 
 going along the road of life, passengers ever 
 entering and ever alighting ; some are forcibly 
 ejected, as by war, so that others who are wait 
 ing on the road may have room in the vehicle. 
 
 " But, gentlemen," he went on, " while we may 
 look very philosophically on the subject of 
 death with the s"ame serene resignation with 
 which we submit to the misfortunes of our
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 255 
 
 neighbors it ever and anon comes so close to 
 us as to startle and shock us as when it ruth 
 lessly breaks the ties of blood, love or friend 
 ship. 
 
 "Why should it shock or startle us ? 
 
 " And why should we not be accustomed to it ? 
 Are we not told that flesh is grass, and that it is 
 allotted for all men once to die ? For this reason 
 I think it is singular that men break faith and 
 fealty for a mere temporary advantage. If it be 
 true, as the great British Commoner declared, 
 that every one had his price, how cheaply some 
 are sold. 
 
 " Were a man assured that he could live the 
 years of Methuslah, and could steal enough to 
 keep him in luxury for his nine hundred and odd 
 years, it might pay to do it, but the game is not 
 worth the candle, for life is too short for crook 
 edness. This plain fact is overlooked, for crea 
 tures have been known to fatten on the dishonor 
 of those who should be nearest and dearest to 
 them, creatures have been known ready and 
 willing to bastardize and disinherit their breth 
 ren and kindred for gain, so that they themselves 
 could pose before the world as wealthy. 
 
 " Indeed, we are all too apt to be swayed by the 
 desire for riches, honor and fame, which are but 
 dead sea fruits, and all because the world con 
 siders the individual in respect to what he has, 
 not what he is. 
 
 " No wonder, indeed, the dying statesman ex 
 claimed in bitterness of spirit : 
 
 " The world is a racsal. 
 Its wreaths are earthly flowers of fading leaves and 
 
 buds, 
 Its fame is but a bubble, when burst 'tis only suds.
 
 256 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " And when one has all earth can give, what is it? 
 
 "Let him who had wisdom beyond our ken, who 
 possessed wealth beyond the dreams of avarice 
 and could gratify every desire of the human 
 heart answer : 
 
 " Vanity of vanities, King Solomon said, 
 
 Its pleasures are fleeting, its fruits are all dead, 
 
 Its friendship, its love, its honor, its gold, 
 
 Each for the last is bartered and sold. 
 
 At the bidding of kings blood flows like a torrent, 
 
 Flesh rots on the field till the sight is abhorrent; 
 
 Friendship's as strong as a gossamer thread, 
 
 And love is as light as a feather. 
 
 "And will it all be remedied in the end ? Will 
 the crookedness be straightened in the great 
 valley of Jehosophat ? 
 
 " Is the triumph of injustice, the prosperity of 
 chicanery, the success of meanness, and the wor 
 ship of iniquity positive proof that God liveth, 
 and that His justice endureth forever? Is it true 
 that after life's short and fitful fever here we will 
 all stand before some Being to be judged accor 
 ding to our lights ? 
 
 " If so, well indeed for some of us that our lights 
 are dim, so that the judgment may be less severe. 
 Methinks it must be so and anon, even at the 
 risk of being classed with the fool who sayeth in 
 his heart: 'There is no God,' I am tempted to 
 follow Lyall into the dark realm of doubt and 
 hopelessness and say: 
 
 "All the world over, I wonder, in lands that I never 
 
 have trod, 
 Are the people eternally seeking for the signs and 
 
 steps of a God ? 
 Westward across the ocean, and northward ayont the 
 
 gnow.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 257 
 
 Do they all stand gazing as ever, and what do the 
 
 wisest know ? 
 For destiny drives us together, like deer in a pass of 
 
 the hills, 
 Above us the sky, and around us the sound of the 
 
 shot that kills ; 
 Pushed by a power we see not, and struck by a hand 
 
 unknown, 
 We pray to the trees for shelter, and press our lips to 
 
 a stone. 
 And ever the shot strikes surely, and ever the wasted 
 
 breath 
 Of the praying multitude rises whose answer is only 
 
 Death. 
 
 " The vastness the incomprehensibility of this 
 subject is overpowering to any man who thinks. 
 We can do but one of two things, viz.: Deny it 
 all,- or accept it all. For, unless one has what 
 some call Divine Faith, we can have no further 
 proof of the Hereafter. Even when one denies, 
 one cannot doubt all." 
 
 "Why not?" 
 
 "You cannot doubt everything if you doubt 
 you cannot doubt that you doubt. But after 
 all and I have given the subject some thought, 
 I am inclined to agree with that orthodox, if 
 somewhat pessimistic view of the world 
 
 "Its hopes and its triumphs, its hono- and fame, 
 Are only the puppets of Life's little game, 
 
 And the winner is always Death. 
 Shrouds have no pockets, fame is a bubble, 
 
 Friendship a thread, and love is a trouble ; 
 Glory a sham, gold is but dross, 
 
 Yet, Truth hangeth crucified ; look to the Cross 
 And remember what endureth well, 
 
 Death, Judgment, Heaven or Hell." 
 
 "Aint you getting a little off the track," sug 
 gested the Engineer.
 
 2^ THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 " Surely," added the quiet gentleman. 
 
 " I beg pardon," replied the speaker, " I am in 
 clined to fall into these digressions. I believe I 
 was on the subject which we all must come to 
 sooner or later the subject of death. Ah me, 
 'tis now, as your clock tells me, the witching 
 hour of twelve the hour when it is said the dead 
 walk in the quiet graveyards, and spirits come 
 forth to hold communion with each other or 
 watch over those they best loved on earth. The 
 tears come unbidden to my eyes as I think of 
 one true friend whose remains I saw consigned 
 to the place in which he was born, there to min 
 gle with his people into dust, where he first saw 
 the light, away down by Chesapeake Bay. 
 
 " He was my pal as we call it, my more than 
 brother, and like myself, a citizen of the world, 
 vulgarly called 'tramp.' We chummed together. 
 He divided the bread, shared the shelter with 
 me. We call it 'Whacks' in the vernacular 
 here, ' Cahoots ' below the line. One would 
 think that having so little, there would be much 
 more reason to hoard it, but that was not Mat's 
 way. Indeed he gave me the choicest morsel of 
 the food, the snuggest part of the shelter. I 
 honestly endeavored to do the same with him. 
 I fear that having been so long in and of the 
 work-a-day world it was with ill-success. For, 
 in the awful grapple for money, in the heat of 
 the struggle, even honest men are apt to be 
 blinded by self interest. 
 
 " He was a born philosopher, borrowing no 
 trouble, believing that sufficient for the day was 
 the evil thereof. Wronging no man he did to 
 Others what he would have them do unto him.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 259 
 
 Together we enjoyed those higher flights of 
 fancy and the pleasures of the imagination, such 
 as are unknown to the mere common bread-win 
 ner or money-maker, whose condition and aspi 
 rations in life are so well described in the lang 
 uage of the poet, whom I have alw r ays called 
 Pope Alexander the First, ' To live, to eat, to 
 sleep, to propagate, to die." 
 
 "Christmas, as you know, was bitterly cold. 
 Along with the blinding storm of the 24th came 
 a fierce northwester that blew the falling parti 
 cles high into the air and made huge snow 
 drifts in the sheltered corners of the streets and 
 alleys. We separated that afternoon, Mat and 
 I, he suggesting that one homeless man could 
 get a resting place where two together would 
 be refused shelter or driven from the premises 
 by the dogs. 
 
 " There was lodging offered to one of us at a 
 farmhouse on the road ; Mat begged it for me, 
 and insisted that I should accept the offer which 
 was made by a kind old lady, and after some 
 hesitation I bade my pal good-night, and he left 
 me. 
 
 "I saw him never again. 
 
 "Caring not for himself, his unselfish anxiety 
 to see me well housed relieved, then and only 
 then self-preservation the first law of nature 
 (sometimes, but thank God, not always), asserted 
 itself, and leaving me comfortable, Mat made 
 his way through the blinding blizzard to seek a 
 resting place for himself. 
 
 "The night was bitterly inclement, but no 
 storm could chill that big warm heart." 
 
 The Stranger muttered something about
 
 260 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 being somewhat affected by the smoke. Hastily 
 grasping the poker, he plunged it with osteata- 
 tious vigor into the still bright fire, and seem 
 ingly satisfied turned to the absorbed listeners. 
 
 " Yesterday I made my way to the Sta 
 tion-house and asked for him. The doorman 
 usually so gruff was kindly considerate. 
 
 " ' Ah, a friend of yours ? Poor fellow, come.' " 
 
 Again the speaker paused and spent some 
 little time in getting the fire-iron in the best 
 possible place in the gleaming coals. Straight 
 ening up he shut his teeth hard and after an 
 effort or two went on. 
 
 " My old pal, Mat, lay on a bench in a cheer 
 less, chilly cell. The eyes were peacefully 
 closed ; the stiffened fingers locked across the 
 breast. The grim police officers of the station 
 and the case hardened rounders, outcasts and 
 criminals, spoke in whispers or walked on tip 
 toe with that needless and curious fear which 
 some have lest a little noise should awaken the 
 dead who sleep forever. 
 
 ' ' And, O ! men and brethren, from the desd 
 fingers had been taken a bit of paper that two 
 nights before had been dropped through a cre 
 vice in a coal box where we slept with a home 
 less dog ! 
 
 " The gruff doorman, with hand tender and 
 deft as a woman's had pinned the paper on 
 the dead man's breast right over thebigheai', 
 that would never throb again." 
 
 Again the faltering accents of the speaker be 
 tokened his deep emotion. 
 
 " The men at the station God bless them, 
 treated the dead with unlocked for reverence.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 26! 
 
 // was brought up-stairs, placed in the coffin 
 with a few flowers about the white face. Each, 
 prisoner and each wanderer was allowed to look 
 in turn on the peaceful countenance of the dead 
 philosopher before the lid finally shut it from 
 view forever, and when all was over, the body 
 was sent to his old home. 
 
 "I I have just completed this" the Stran 
 ger murmured as he raised his shabby rag and 
 with great deliberation, blew his nose loudly, 
 winked violently once or twice and stared tn- 
 tently at his feet in the poor attempt to pretend 
 he was trying to recall something. At length 
 taking some sheets of manila paper from his 
 pocket after a sniffle or two, in a scarcely audi 
 ble, but deeply pathetic voice, he read what he 
 called, " The Tramp's Christmas :" 
 
 The stars look down on the sleeping town, 
 
 With cold and cheerless ray, 
 And the northern lights came down on the heights, 
 
 Where the drifting snow-banks lay, 
 With the telegraph lines and swinging signs, 
 
 The wind made mournful sound 
 On that Christmas night, when the snow lay white 
 
 And deep on the frozen ground. 
 Then an ill-clad tramp saw the precinct lamp 
 
 Gleam out through the frosty air, 
 And shuffled foot-sore to the station-house door, 
 
 To beg a night's shelter there. 
 He crept in, ghastly pale, with a look at the rail 
 And pleaded in misery and want, 
 "Cap, let me stay with you for to-night, just please 
 do, 
 
 For God's sake, Cap, don't say I can't." 
 The Sergeant said, " Hey? Oh, you want to stay, 
 
 Well, come right up here and get warm." 
 " Don't mind if I do, for I'm chilled through. 
 
 'Tis no night to be out in a storm ;
 
 ! THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 "Thanks " his words were cut off by a deep, hoi- 
 low cough, 
 
 He shivered in trying to speak, 
 And he clutched at the chair the doorman placed 
 
 there, 
 With a grip that was grimy and weak. 
 
 THE PLACE. 
 Then the sergeant wrote his blotter up, 
 
 And bade the man " come roun' " 
 And warm himself at the roaring fire 
 
 Before he was " sent down." 
 The doorman brought him coffee 
 
 And a goodly loaf of bread, 
 "I'll just take a drop of this 'ere tea, 
 
 I cannot eat," he said. 
 " In fact I ain't myself at all, 
 
 Though trouble I don't borrow, 
 I do feel queer as I sit here, 
 
 Think I'll go home to-morrow." 
 
 The doorman raked the fire again, 
 
 And passed the coffee can, 
 And in the genial warmth 
 
 To chat the tramp began : 
 "Yes, I'll go back on the railroad track, 
 
 If I beg or beat my way, 
 For I'm not the same since the morning came ; 
 
 On this cold Christmas day 
 One of the oddest things occurred 
 
 That erer happened to me, 
 You wouldn't think I was so soft, 
 
 But listen and you'll see." 
 
 The sergeant left the key-board, 
 
 And lent attentive ear 
 To listen to the strangest tale 
 
 He'd heard in many a year. 
 "It startled me," the vagrant said, 
 
 " And what d'ye suppose I mean ? 
 Just a little scrap of paper 
 
 And a bit of Christmas green."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 263 
 
 He coughed again as if in pain, 
 
 Pressed his hand to his breast, 
 Spoke earnestly and low at times, 
 
 A.nd at times with sneer and jest. 
 
 THE STORY. 
 " It's ten years ago about," he said, 
 
 " That I left my father's house. 
 In a boyish huff I stole away, 
 
 As quiet as a mouse. 
 I didn't care to learn a trade, 
 
 So my folks L ?emed to say, 
 And as for working on a farm 
 
 Well, I wasn't built that way. 
 No, I didn't follow a circus, 
 
 Nor want to be a clown, 
 I was just inclined to rove a bit, 
 
 And wished to see the town, 
 I thought I'd be a banker 
 
 And go home rich and show 
 The folks at home that I was game 
 
 But it didn't turn out so. 
 I knocked around the city here, 
 
 Got a bite whenever I could : 
 Then I thought I'd make a ten-strike 
 
 And go to work for good. 
 I shipped on a sailing vessel , 
 
 From New York, China bound, 
 Because to be a banker 
 
 You begin on the lowest round. 
 But I guess I rrot it in the neck 
 
 When I M struck the Neversink. 
 The Captain was a savage, 
 
 The mate was worse, I think, 
 The men were very near as bad, 
 
 Scoffs and jibes and blows 
 Was generally my portion, 
 
 How I stood it, Heaven knows. 
 Being but a friendless waif, 
 
 A homeless, wretched lad, 
 I was kicked and starved and beaten,
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HANlX 
 
 And treated awful bad ; 
 Indeed among the whole ship's crew, 
 
 I could swear it by the Book, 
 My only friends were the Captain's dog, 
 
 And the boy that helped the cook. 
 I tried to go at Hiah-So, 
 
 Without bidding them adieu, 
 But to leave without the dog and Jim 
 
 I thought would never do. 
 The Captain knew I'd cut and run 
 
 If ever I got a show ; 
 When I prepared to leave at port 
 
 He ordered me below. 
 Before I coiild mature my plans 
 
 The ship set sail again, 
 And off we went on another trip 
 
 Across the raging main. 
 I made two trips on the Neversink, 
 
 And didn't touch the land, 
 And had begun to know the ropes, 
 
 And to ree f could give a hand. 
 But I tell you this in confidence, 
 
 I don't say I'm a shirk, 
 The way I was treated aboard that boat. 
 
 Made me hate the sight of work. 
 A life on the ocean wave will do 
 
 For sailors and for fish, 
 But I'm for terra firma, 
 
 Let others have their wish. 
 All things have an end including ropes 
 
 I found this out on the ship 
 We made the harbor of New York, 
 
 And I gave them all the slip. 
 Then I knocked about, now here, now there, 
 
 Without keeping any log, 
 And who do you think I met last week ? 
 
 Why Jim and the Captain's dog. 
 He took the dog and French leave, totx 
 
 Just shortly after me, 
 And weren't we glad to meet again ? 
 
 And went partners just us three.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 265 
 
 We slept together most every night, 
 
 And shared each other's food ; 
 Generally times were fair with us, 
 
 Sometimes not so good. 
 I/ast night, you know, was Christmas Eve, 
 
 So we crept in an old coal box, 
 Curled up snug, with the dog for a rug, 
 
 And Jim hung up the socks. 
 We only had two between us, 
 
 They wouldn't hold a thing ; 
 But he said : ' We'll take the chances, 
 
 And before the chime-bells ring 
 Someone will give us something 
 
 For in times like Chrisimus 
 It's in the air for richer folks 
 
 To think of fellows like us. ' 
 And sure enough, in a hole in the box 
 
 Some passer-by, for a caper, 
 Dropped in a spri^; of Christmas green 
 
 Enclosed in a piece of paper. ' ' 
 The vagrant paused and coughed again, 
 
 Rubbed his mouth on his coat, 
 Passed his he.: *I before his eyes, 
 
 And resumed when he cleared his throat : 
 " When I saw that sprig of holly, Cap., 
 
 And what that paper said, 
 It brought back olden memories 
 
 Of dear ones, long since dead." 
 
 His voice sank to a whisper, 
 
 The sergeant turned around, 
 The tramp faltered on with his story, 
 
 The doorman stared at the ground. 
 
 " My mother's face, in her cap of lace, 
 As she bent her old grey head 
 
 To her work at night to keep things righl 
 When the rest were all abed. 
 
 'Twas the verse of a song she used to sing, 
 When I was but a child,
 
 266 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 And the air came back when I read the words, 
 
 And her voice so soft and mild. 
 I've got the paper here, Cap. 
 
 To carry on my way, 
 For I'm going home to the old place, Cap., 
 
 Way down by Chesapeake Bay." 
 
 He coughed again, wiped the great dark stain 
 That spread o'er his lips and chin; 
 
 All was quiet then, among these three men, 
 The "touch" made them all akin. 
 
 The sergeant broke the silence at last ; 
 
 "You go with this man, 
 And after you've had a good night's rest 
 
 We'll try and think out a plan 
 To help you along in your journey, 
 
 And raise you a dollar or two. 
 Cheer up, young fellow, never say die, 
 
 We'll try and pull you through ! " 
 ****** 
 
 When morning broke the doorman spoke 
 
 To the sergeant under his breath, 
 In tones of affright "That man last night-\ 
 
 Is down there cold in death ! ' ' 
 
 Aye ! the man was dead ; on the hard board bed 
 
 He had died in the night alone, 
 And like a saving strand, in the death stiffened 
 hand 
 
 Was the verse that had been thrown, 
 By some one who passed where the tramps slept 
 fast 
 
 With a yellow dog between. 
 And this was on the paper, 
 
 Wrapped round the sprig of green : 
 
 " God rest you, merry gentlemen, 
 
 Let nothing you dismay, 
 For Christ, our Lord and Saviour, 
 
 Was born on Christmas day."
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAN>. 267 
 
 The Victim's accents were low ; there were 
 tears in his voice "like the Scotch song." The 
 Coroner and Northcoat looked at each other 
 askance as the Engineer with an " Oh, nshaw," 
 made a movement towards the door. This 
 brought the Stenographer to his feet, with the 
 remark that a motion to adjourn was always in 
 order, sjad would be entertained, to which all 
 assented. The Stranger drained the pitcher, as 
 the Coroner and his friends, after a whispered 
 consultation, "chipped in," as they called it, 
 and the Host, after a short absence, brought in 
 a large bundle. At that point the taciturn Real 
 Estate Man spoke up, " I move that a vote of 
 thanks be tendered to the speaker of the evening 
 and that he be elected an honorary member of 
 the Worshipers at the Shrine of Truth, and be 
 clothed in the habiliments of the order." 
 
 The motion being put to the house, was car 
 ried with great unanimity. Despite his strenu 
 ous expostulations, the stranger was conducted 
 to an adjoining room, whence he soon emerged, 
 clad from head to foot in comfortable outer 
 clothing, of which nothing was visible but a 
 gray frieze coat and a pair of top boots. He 
 stood before them, his unshaven face lit up with 
 the after-glo\v. while his lips murmured thanks. 
 As he grasped the hands of his generous newly 
 found friends, his fellow craftsmen deftly trans 
 ferred a substantial looking " wad " to his re 
 luctant hand, and the man in the frieze coat 
 with compressed lips and moist eyes, left them 
 on the upper step of the stoop, below which he 
 stood silent and irresolute. 
 
 Waving his hand at the others, he said in a
 
 268 
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 choking, disjointed voice "Good night, gentle 
 men Good night, and God bless you all," and 
 slowly sauntered off. 
 
 - ?^_ 
 
 The Stranger in the After-glow. 
 
 " Poor fellow, he seemed to be a man of great 
 taste and deep feeling," whispered the Real 
 Estate Man. 
 
 "O, bless you, yes,' 1 replied the Host. "You 
 saw that particularly when he was drinking my 
 beer and reading his own poems. Did you 
 notice also that the beer and the essay were 
 ended at the same time " 
 
 "We forgot to ask him his name," said the 
 Other, ignoring the bold sarcasm.
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 269 
 
 " No," answered the Host, " we didn't need 
 to ; he alluded to himself in that alleged poem 
 as Jim ; his family name is surely Jams, the full 
 cognomen being Jim Jams, and a most uncon 
 scionable liar he is." 
 
 " I am inclined to think that is too plebeian a 
 name for him," suggested the Engineer. " His 
 real name is Atramental Liegner, and he is a 
 God-forsaken bummer " 
 
 "No," said the Stenographer, reproachfully, 
 glancing at the others, whole folios of protest in 
 his tear-dimmed eyes. " No, it is my firm con 
 viction from his talk, he is what he claims to be, 
 the Victim of Circumstances. I believe him to 
 be a scholar. I know he is a stenographer, and 
 hence a gentleman." 
 
 " I agree with you," said the Coroner, after a 
 thoughtful pause, "but I don't say with which 
 of you." 
 
 " You and I are of one mind," remarked the 
 Lawyer. 
 
 These remarks passed as they stood on the 
 stoop, peering through the darkness at the tall 
 figure sauntering down the street. Below, the 
 lamps of a drinking place shone out like beacon 
 lights, to warn the unwary that behind and close 
 at hand were hidden the reefs that had wrecked 
 so many lives. Beyond the circle of light, im 
 penetrable darkness. Here the man in the 
 frieze coat was lost to view. Whether he failed 
 to heed the warning and was drawn into the 
 danger, or whether he kept on his straight nar 
 row course, the others knew not. 
 
 But, in -.he silent watches of the night, in the 
 quiet hours between cock-crow and milkman-
 
 270 
 
 THE ODDITIES OF SHORT HAND. 
 
 yawp, the entertaining stranger passed from the 
 sight, of his watching friends forever, and the 
 Worshipers at the Shrine of 1 ruth with all dua 
 solemnity adjourned sine, die.
 
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 Membership June 3Qth, 1891, - 25,659 
 Amount paid on death claims, 
 
 $2-655,355.88 
 
 COUNCILS IN (16) SIXTEEN STATES AND 
 CANADA. 
 
 Spiritual Adviser. 
 
 Rt. Rev. JOHN LOUGHLIN, Bishop of Brooklyn. 
 President. 
 
 JOHN C. McGuiRE 26 Court Street. 
 
 Secretary. 
 
 JOHN D. CARROLL 38 & 40 Court Street. 
 
 Treasurer. 
 WILLIAM G. Ross. .64 Water St., New York, N. Y. 
 
 Medical Examiner -in-Chief . 
 GEO. R. KUHN, M.D 122 Clinton Avenue. 
 
 Extract from last report of State Superin 
 tendent of Insurance. 
 
 "I congratulate you on the exceptionally excellent con 
 dition of your Association its good business methods and 
 the uniformly honorable conduct of its affairs. It is 
 refreshing, as well as satisfactory, to lind an Association 
 of the age of yours, and doing so large a business, using 
 substantially all its receipts from assessments of members, 
 without deductions, in payment < f mortuary claims pay 
 ing its losses i.i full, and during its entire existence, having 
 only a single contested claim out of nearly two hundred 
 death losses." 
 
 Yours very respectfully, 
 
 R. A. MAXWELL, Superintendent.
 
 DEIMT'S 
 
 This Manual is the result of twenty years' active 
 practice in all branches of reporting. The most 
 unique text book of the age. Systematic, practi 
 cal and interesting, $2.00 
 
 BY ISAAC 8. DEMENT. 
 
 The Literary Magazine of the Profession. Noth 
 ing but original articles ^iven. Fac- simile notes of 
 prominent reporters in each issue. The only abso 
 lutely independent shorthand periodical. All sys 
 tems and machines represented. Per year, $1.00 
 
 ADDRESS, 
 
 ISAAC S. DEMENT, 
 
 116 Dearborn Street, - CHICAGO, ILL., U. S. A. 
 
 "THE PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD/' 
 
 A large, 50-page Monthly Magazine, size of page 8 x 11, published 
 in the Interests (if all s> stems of shorthand and typewriting. I ni- 
 versally recognized as the leading paper of its class in the world and 
 t lie only Reporter a' paper in America. Now in its seventh year of 
 continuous and uninterrupted publication. 
 
 See what leading shorthand authors sny of It in September, 1891. 
 
 ''As a shorthand newspaper.it has never been equaled." A.J. 
 Graham. 
 
 "The only successful shorthand Journal that meets the require 
 ments generally o shorthand writers." James K, Muiistni. 
 
 "The growth of the PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD to such dimen 
 sions as It has attained by far the largest published in tlm country 
 and containing a variety and solidity of matter, much greater 
 than we find in any foreign publication on the subject, ought to be 
 gratifying to every American practitioner of the profession of sten 
 ography." Gfo. R. Bishop. 
 
 ' By the publication of the PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD, the steno 
 graphic has been catered for, and Its needs anticipated to an extent 
 never before approached." Mrs. E. D. Burnz. 
 
 "THE PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD the leading journal of its 
 class." T. Gfo. Cross. 
 
 " There are other good shorthand monthlies, but none to approach 
 the PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD in impartiality and enterprise." 
 Jno. Watstm. 
 
 "THE PHONOGRAPHIC WORLD is a model In every way; it 
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 Its editor has conferred on the profession.- W. W. Osgoodtni. 
 
 And many other like testimonials from leading authors, tho 
 publication of which space does not here permit. 
 
 Subscription price per year only $1.00 ; sample copy free on appli 
 cation to the editor and publisher. 
 
 E. N. MINER, 
 
 31 BROADWAY, NEW YORK CITY.
 
 REASONS WHY 
 
 GRAHAM'S 
 
 SHOULD BE 
 
 It is faster than any other system, and is just as legible. 
 
 4. 
 
 It is as easily learned as any. 
 
 It is the Standard, having been published thirty-three 
 years without change, as none has been found necess 
 ary. 
 
 It is used by a large majority of the best reporters in 
 the United States. 
 5. It has the most complete line of text-books on the sub 
 
 ject ever published. 
 
 For further information send for a free copy of "ALL 
 ABOUT PHONOGRAPHY," to 
 
 ANDREW J. GRAHAM, 
 
 Broadway, New York. 
 
 THELLINWOOD SCHOOL 
 
 OF 
 
 Phonography and Typewriting, 
 
 For Ladies and. Gentlemen, 
 
 Library Building, 199 Montague St. , BROOKLYN. 
 
 Individual and class Instruction day and evening 1 . 
 
 Students received at any time. 
 
 Persons from out of town can obtain good board In the vicinity 
 of the School, on reasonable terms. 
 
 Arrangements will be made for the accommodation of those 
 who desire Instruction in either of the above branches during the 
 Summer. 
 
 Mr. Elllnwood, the founder and manager, by a varied experience 
 of upwards of thirty- five years as a shorthand teacher and reporter, 
 is eminently qualified to prepare young men and women for the 
 stenographer's profession. The success and popularity of this 
 School is attested by the fact that its graduates, in large numbers, 
 not only from Brooklyn and New York, but from various parts of the 
 United States and Canada, are occupying responsible positions 
 throughout the country. 
 
 For circulars, containing further particulars, application may 
 be made, personally or through the mail, to 
 
 T. J. ELLINWOOD, Principal and Proprietor,
 
 WE. TAKE. RIGHT HOLD 
 OF YOUR HOME. OR HOTEL 
 AND FURNI5H IT FROM 
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 BROOKLYN, N.Y. 
 
 53 CEDAR ^ 25 LIBERTY STREETS, 
 
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 THE CHOICEST BRANDS, IV:OST EFFECTIVE SERVICE, 
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 " The best of all typewriters. The height of perfection. To buy 
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 DENSMORE TYPEWBITEB 00., 202 B'way, New York. 
 
 EXAC1 
 
 GEO. R. BISHOP'S 
 
 PHONOGRAPHY." 
 
 COMPLETE TEXT BOOK, adapted to SELF-INSTRUCTION, of 
 the NKW SYSTEM with CONNECTIBLE STROKE VOWEL-SIGNS; 
 combining UNPRECEDENTED EXACTNESS with QBEAT BEEVIT7. 
 
 The Author, formerly a ' Graham " writer, uses his " Exact" sys 
 tem, entirely. 
 
 EDWAKD D. EASTON, Washington, D. C. (Munson Writer), who was 
 official stenographer in the Star Route and Guiteau trials, writes : 
 "EX U'T PHONOGRAPHY is appropriately entitled. I am satis- 
 fled that by the system therein so fully set out students may learn 
 to write shorthand with greater certainty and precision than by 
 any of the older systems." 
 
 EDWAKD B. DICKINSON, New York Ci< y. President (1887-8) N. Y. 
 Start- stenographers' Association (Benn 1 ittman writer), says: ''He 
 (the author) has devised a system which lias in It the capacity both 
 for the utmost exactness and for the utmost rapidity." 
 
 ISAAC S. DEMENT, of Chicago, (Graham \Vriten. speed contestant 
 at N. Y. State Stenographers' Association meeting. 1887, at Alexan 
 dria Bay, says: " You have certainly captured the prize on legibility. 
 
 260 pp., 222 engraved. Price, bound in flexible leather, $2.00, post 
 paid. Circulars, Specimen Pages and Opinions of Expert Steno 
 graphers sent. 
 
 Address GEO. R. BISHOP, N. Y. Stock Exchange, New York City,
 
 te for Tpmttr 
 
 (FOR ALL MACHINES.) 
 
 TYPEWRITER RIBBONS, 
 
 Carbon, Manifold and 
 
 Full*Line*of ^Typewriter* Linen* Papers, 
 
 Warranted to give Absolute Satisfaction. 
 
 Send for Samples and Prices of the Stand 
 ard Goods to 
 
 THE S, T. SMITH Co. 
 
 14 Park Place, IT. 7. 
 
 fl H R T- H A H D Send for Catalogue 
 ^k of Books and helps 
 
 (JELF^TAUGHT for self-instruction, 
 
 by BENN PITMAN,^ JEROME B. HOWARD 
 
 to 
 
 OINOIKCTATI, OHIO. 
 
 Represents the only non-position, n on- shading, 
 collective vowel shorthand in use. Now taught in over 
 two hundred colleges in the United States and Canada, 
 and rapidly superseding the old complicated methods. 
 Learned for prai tical work in two to three months. 
 Lessons by mail a specialty. Send for circulars and copy of 
 Pernin's Monthly Stenographer, a live magazine devoted 
 to shorthand and typewriting. 
 
 H. M. PERNIN, Author and Publisher, 
 
 DETROIT, MICH.
 
 Stenographers, or any person contemplating the pur 
 chase of a Writing Machine, of any make, will find it to be 
 to their direct interest to consult us before placing their 
 order. 
 
 We are headquarters for the world for typewriters of 
 all makes; at the date of writing this advertisement (Nov. 
 1, 1891), we have upwards of six hundred machines of all 
 makes in our two establishments, at New York and Chic 
 ago. We supply ne-irly all other second-hand dealers in 
 this country; deal with us direct and save their profit. 
 
 SOME QUOTATIONS. 
 
 Smith-Premiers, $60 to $70 ; Universal Hammonds, $60 
 to $70; Ideal Hammonds, $40 to $55; No. 1 Caligraphs, 
 $25 to $35; No. 2 Caligraphs, $30 to $50; No. 3 Caligraphs, 
 $45 to $60; Yosts, $50 to $70; Nationals, $30 to $40; No. 
 2 Remingtons, $85 to $90; No. 3 Remingtons, $85 to $95; 
 No. 5 Remingtons, $90 to $95; Fitchs, $25 to $35; Cran- 
 dalls, $20 to $40; Bar-Locks, $4"> to $60; Internationals, 
 $30 to $40; Automatics, $20 to $30; Hortons, $20 to $30; 
 Halls, $10 to $20; Crowns, $12 to $15; Merritts, Worlds, 
 Victors, Odells, Etc., Etc., $4 to $12. (At this writing, 
 we have all of the above makes in stock by the dozen, and 
 many more less popular makes.) 
 
 Persons contemplating buying a second-hand machine 
 of any make should first consult our list of Stolen Machines 
 (including ninety-three stolen Remingtons,) in order to 
 avoid possible future trouble. We guarantee the title of 
 every instrument purchased of us. 
 
 We ship any instrument to any part of the country, giv 
 ing full privilege of thorough examination and careful 
 trial, before accepting. After final purchase, if by any 
 possibility full satisfaction is not had, we take back any 
 machine purchased of us, for full price paid, at any time 
 within thirty days, in exchange for any other instrument 
 of equal or higher price desired. 
 
 We make EXCHANGING typewriters a SPECIALTY 
 in our business; if you are not thoroughly suited, be sure 
 and write us. We rent out machines at lowest prices to 
 any part of the U. S. 
 
 Catalogues, illustrating and describing all machines, 
 free on application. Courteous replies to all communica 
 tions. 
 
 TYPEWRITER HEADQUARTERS, 
 
 31 & 33 Broadway, New York. 296 Watt Avenue, Chicago,
 
 ^>-rt;-.t 
 
 ?yv> s 
 
 ^4 teCfz* 
 
 If you want the address of any steno 
 grapher, school or shorthand, or manu 
 facturer of typewriter anywhere in the 
 United States or Canada, send for How's 
 
 Directory for Stenographers of the 
 
 United States and Canada, handsomely 
 bound in cloth and gold $1.00. 
 
 THE 
 
 TRIBUNE BUILDING, 
 
 NEW YORK, IT. Y. 
 
 THE * SHORTHAND * REVIEW. 
 
 A JOURNAL, FOR THE PROFESSIONAL, REPORTER, 
 OFFICE STENOGRAPHER AND TYPE 
 WRITER OPERATOR. 
 
 SO conts a Year. 
 
 NEW YORK, CHICAGO, 
 
 42 Tribune Building. 415 Dearborn Street. 
 
 INDEPENDENT. REPRESENTS ALL SYSTEMS. 
 
 SEND TWO CENTS FOR SAMPLE COPY.
 
 (EDITED BY FRANCIS H. HEMPERLEY.) 
 
 BRIGHT, NEWSY, UNPREJUDICED, 
 
 Represents all Systems of Shorthand. 
 
 The Largest Circulation. 
 
 Typewriter and Law Department. 
 
 Discusses Merits of all Machines. 
 
 Gives practical points to Law Stenographers. 
 '"THE Shorthand Plates are written by masters 
 of the Leading Systems ; Harmony aimed 
 at, Syllabication and Analogy illustrated. 
 ITS Articles are Contributed by the Brighter 
 
 Minds in the Profession. 
 
 TT Gives Five Dollars Worth of Information 
 * for One. 
 
 SEND SUBSCRIPTIONS TO 
 
 140 South Fourth Street, 
 
 PHILADELPHIA.
 
 BOOKS FOR STENOGRAPHERS. 
 
 Payne's Business Educator, COO pp. 12mo $2 00 
 
 ' Business Pointers, 212 pages ...... 25 
 
 " Business Letter Writer, boards 50 
 
 Cushing's Manual (Revised Edition) 25 to 50 
 
 German at a Glance, paper cover 25 
 
 French at a Glance, " " 25 
 
 Spanish at a Glance, " " 25 
 
 Payne's Rules of Order, paper 30 
 
 " Social Letter Writer, boards 50 
 
 Mook Trials, (Ritter) paper 25 
 
 Rowton's Complete Debater, boards 50 
 
 Rules of Order in a Nut-shed, puper 10 
 
 Brown's Reciter, paper cover 25 
 
 Any of the above books sent post-paid on receipt of price- 
 Descriptive Catalogue of all our publications sent free. 
 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 2i) Beekman Street, 
 
 YORK. 
 
 JOHN M, BULWINKLE, 
 Stationery and Printing, 
 
 A*J - - 1 -- - - - -- - JL t- ..... JL ..... ...... .-^Jj ') 
 
 ^- -' *A. ^.i 
 
 413 FULTON STREET, 
 
 Near Court House, BROOKLYN, N. Y. 
 
 TYPEWRITERS' SUPPLIES IN LARGE VARIETIES. 
 LAW BLANKS AND BLANK BOOKS.
 
 SCOTT-BROWNE'S t MANUAL 
 
 OF- 
 
 PITMAN*PHONOGRAPHY. 
 
 189O EDITION. 
 
 This perfected revision of the American Standard system 
 of shorthand consists of an entire re-arrangement of the les 
 sons and their presentation in a new and more acceptable 
 form for class or private instruction, and 
 
 Is the cheapest book ever published for learning the art 
 
 Because it combines the feature of a manual, phrase- 
 book and reporters' companion, and 
 
 The whole theory of Phonography can be learned in 
 from 15 to 20 lessons 
 
 Requiring but half the instruction necessary by former 
 text-books. 
 
 Read these words of praise for their strength and the 
 merit and superiority found in the system. 
 
 It stands unparalleled in the esteem of professional 
 report* rs. 
 
 You made the greatest discovery in Phonography that has yet 
 been disclosed when you hit upon the principle of syllabication and 
 analogy. C. C. Jjse.iiite.rnan, Birmingham, Ala. 
 
 Without ru'ining. off after novelties, Mr. Scott-Browne, clearly, 
 concisely, audlu a neat and Interesting manner, presents the system 
 of Phonography which has more advocates than any other on the 
 American continent. St-.u. C. P. Jacobs, Clinton. S. C. 
 
 I recommend your books because they are the best for beginners. 
 I think your text-books are more philosophical, more uniform, and 
 fuller than others. Co?. Claude E. Sawyer, Official Court Steno 
 grapher, Aiken, S. C. 
 
 Wedded as I am to the Old Phonographv, I find In your volume 
 many new and valuable principles. Theo. F. Shut-y, of the Corps of 
 I'. H. Senate Reporters, Washington, 1). C. 
 
 I have adopted all the improvements you have introduced, and do 
 not hesitate to commend them to every member of the profession. 
 F. O. Dr Fontaine, Congressional Court Reporter and Journalist,, 
 New York City. 
 
 PRICE, in handsome cloth Muling, with tinted edge, $1.50. 
 
 Postpaid to any address. 
 
 Address, D. L. SCOTT-BROWNE, 
 
 AUTHOR AND PUBLISHER, 
 
 Nev York City, N, Y.
 
 Would it be agreeable to you to put an 
 extra V into your pocket three or four 
 times a month? Nothing easier. Here is 
 the way it is done no interference with 
 your regular business. 
 
 We want you to act as Agent for our 
 Correspondence College and for the sale 
 of our books in your neighborhood. We 
 will appoint any reliable shorthand writer 
 or student one in each city and town in 
 the United States and Canada. We pub 
 lish five popular shorthand books stand 
 ard instruction books of the Pitman 
 System. Used in nearly a hundred 
 schools. Will give you a liberal discount ; 
 you pay for instance, $6 for o;.e hundred 
 Primers, retail price 2$c. You also re- 
 ceive $5 for each student by mail you 
 enroll for us. 
 
 Our method of teaching by mail is un 
 questionably the best in existence ; over 
 4,000 students enrolled. Please send us 
 your name with information as to yourself, 
 and you will receive a copy of our large 
 catalogue, with full terms to agents, and 
 all needed information. 
 
 Address the MORAN SHORTHAND COMPANY, 
 
 ST. LOUIS, MO.
 
 SHORTHAND AND 
 BUSINESS EDUCATION. 
 
 WALWORTH 
 
 BUSINESS AND STENOGRAPHIC COLLEGE, 
 IO8, I IO EAST 125th ST. 
 
 Established in this State in 1853. 
 BRIEF CIRCULAR FOR 1891-2. 
 
 The President Is Mr. C. A. Walworth, LL. B., associate author and 
 part owner of Munson's Phonography, for ten years principal of the 
 Commercial Departmentin the College of the City of New York, and 
 for twenty years a business college principal. He is also editor of 
 the ' Munson News and Teacher." This is now his only school. Its 
 stenographic department is the original MUNSON SCHOOL, and is 
 the official headquarters lor everything concerning Munson's Sys 
 tem. 
 
 1. WHAT IS TAUGHT. 
 
 Bookkeeping of all kinds, Shorthand and Typewriting, Practical 
 Grammar and Correspondence, Business Arithmetic, Commercial 
 Law, Penmanship, &c. , day and evening. The instruction is divided 
 equally into two great Courses, viz.: 
 
 2. COURSES. 
 
 The BUSINESS COURSE comprises all the above tranches except 
 shorthand and typewriting. Penmanship Is free in this Course. 
 The STENOGRAPHIC COURSE comprises Shorthand, Typewriting, 
 Ac. Typewriting is free in this Course. Each Course is completed 
 in six months. The humbug of ''shorthand proficiency in three 
 months" is not promised here, although this school can teach 
 faster than any other. 
 
 3. PRICES. 
 
 Either Course, six months, including diploma, $70. Instalment 
 payments accepted. Evening courses at lower prices or by allowing 
 more weeks. 
 
 4. LADIES' DEPARTMENT. 
 
 Occupies a separate suit of rooms, carpeted and furnished ex 
 pressly for such students, but no cheap women teachers are em 
 ployed. 
 
 5. WHEN TO COMMENCE. 
 
 At any time, as every pupil is taught separately. Open the entire 
 year. 
 
 6. SCHOOL HOURS. 
 9 A. M. to 3 P. M. Evenings, 7.30 to 9.30. 
 
 7. BOARD FOR STRANGERS. 
 
 Good board and room procured at $5 per week. 
 
 8. SITUATIONS. 
 
 Constant demand from employers at high salaries. No similar 
 school has half so many shorthand graduates in profitable positions, 
 and no other school has graduates filling high positions as official 
 stenographers in the city courts and departments, viz.: Superior 
 Court, Park. Dock, Fire and Public Works Departments and Aque 
 duct Comrnisioners, besides thousands of law, railroad and business 
 offices and others conducting first -class stenographers' offices on 
 their own account. Its graduates command situations at $50 to 
 $75 per month from the start. 
 
 The above is a complete although brief circular cut It out. 
 Write fora sample copy of the "Munson Monthly Phonographic 
 News and Teacher." $2 per year, published here.
 
 The Government 
 
 Baking Powder Tests. 
 
 The latest investigations by the United 
 States and Canadian Governments show 
 the Royal Baking Powder a cream of tar 
 tar powder superior to all others in leav 
 ening strength. 
 
 Statements by other manufacturers to 
 the contrary have been declared by the offi 
 cial authorities falsifications of the official 
 reports. 
 
 If you want the address of any steno 
 grapher, school of shorthand, or manu 
 facturer of typewriter, send for How's 
 
 Directory of Stenographers of the 
 
 United States, handsomely bound in cloth 
 and gold $1.00. 
 
 THE 
 
 HOW PUBLISHING COMPANY, 
 
 TRIBUNE BUILDING, 
 NEW YORK, N. Y. 
 
 In correspondence with our Advertisers please men 
 tion this book.
 
 THE * AMERICAN * SYSTEM 
 
 SHORTHAND. 
 
 To supply the increasing demand for 
 stenographers, schools of shorthand and 
 typewriting have been established in vari 
 ous parts of the country, and, with few 
 exceptions, all business colleges now have 
 a-" department of shorthand." A number 
 of systems are taught, but that of Benn 
 Pitman is more generally used than any 
 other in this country, and may be called 
 the "American System." Extract from 
 the Report of the Commissioner of Educa- 
 cation (Washington, D. C.), for the Year 
 1 887-88, page 927. 
 
 For a catalogue of shorthand publica 
 tions by Benn Pitman and Jerome B. 
 Howard, address, 
 
 THE PHONOGRAPHIC INSTITUTE, 
 
 CINCINNATI, O.
 
 University of California 
 
 SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 
 
 Return this material to the library 
 
 from which it was borrowed. 
 
 Form L9-2
 
 LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 001374620 
 
 PS 
 
 1254 
 
 C18o