PUN BOOK LIBRARY UNIVERSWVOir SAN DIEQO THE NEW PUN BOOK COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to improve its flavor and precision by exercise in these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr. Jaberjee, though they use the purest language, they can instantly express every shade of thought with grace and completeness without resort- ing to slang : that ready cloak wherewith puny minds strive to cover their vulgarity and lack of culture. BY T. B. AND T. C. New York FRANK VERNON & CO., 103 Park Avenue COPYRIGHT 1906 By CAREY-STAFFORD CO. The New Pun Book "He's a professional grafter/' "Who?" "The nurseryman." "You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?" "I don't know, what does he weigh?" "Meat." "I saw a sign in a hardware store to- day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though every- one wasn't wise to that." "How are you to-day?" "Oh, I can't kick." "Thought you were ill." "I am I have the gout." "Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?" "No, sir !" said the bride, with some in- dignation, "this is only my third!" Wyt She I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere. He Did you look among the Vaj dear ? "Have you ever met my sister, Louisa ?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home Lena." "Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer." "Because he is employed at the post- office.' And that ain't the worst of it." "No?" "No, sir; his wife takes hush money." "You don't say so!" "I do. She's a child nurse." The street car lurched, she fell ker- flump ! But got up with a happy smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to the mile?" I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races? "Gee, I just made a bad break/' mur- mured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs. "This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?" "Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make." "Oh! are you in this line, too?" "No. We make gunpowder." You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily ! "My girl's 'father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it." "An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?" "Why, an Irishman, of course." "No, you're wrong; he is a corpse." He Why has he put her picture in his watch? She Because h thinka she will love him in time. "I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder. "Did she give it to you?" "No; but she gave me a stare." "My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm/' "That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers." Attorney for the Defense Have you ever been cross-examined before? The Witness Have I. I'm a married man. Life. I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken. That is terrible, how did it happen? Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers. "I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central. "But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?" "Nope! It was a 'fast* train." "What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New .York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker. "Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful spirits are here." "I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out." "Did you shoot him?" "No. He was out of my range." GREENE "These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN "Av coarse! Sure, we hav* f make a great noise f wake the dead." "I SEE Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off." "Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it." "How was that?" "Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for pro- posals." "Are your folks well to do?" "No. They're hard to do." 8 tEfre fftm ffioolu "If you should die, what would you do with your body?" "I don't know." "I'd sell mine to a medical student." "Then you'd be giving yourself dead away." "I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him" HE "Yes, she is living under an as- sumed name." SHE "Horrible ! What is it?" HE "The one sh? assumed immedi- ately after her husband married her!" BIGGS "I hear the jail was afire this morning ?" BAGGS "Naw; it was only a sell." Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener. "It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms." "Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him." *This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed. "I'm very sorry/' returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery- man about it." "Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed." "Noah." "You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So there must have been three ahead of him." EAILWAT CLERK Another accident on the road to-day, sir. MANAGER Indeed. What now? CLERK Man dislocated his neck try- ing to read our new time table. "I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor. "I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up." ISAACS Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it? COHEN Veil, dey mighd send it gol- lect undt see if ve paid for it. 10 : A man and his bride by the parson were tied, And when the performance was done, "Alas ! exclaimed he, examining his fee, "I add one to one and make one." MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs) I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary? MAET Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom. ffiun ffioofe. 137 We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all. SHE "I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it." HE "Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine." Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone! When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own ! "How did you cure your boy of swear- ing?" "By the laying on of hands, princi- pally." "Ma, what is a Panama man called?" "A Panaman, Johnny." "Then what is a Panama woman?" "If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama." 138 tEfre ffun jgoofe. He who courts and goes away, May court again another day; But he who weds and courts girls still May go to court against his will. A notice at a small depot near Man- chester reads: "Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway." This reminds us of the oft-quoted no- tice put up at the ford of an Irish river: "When this board is under water the river is unpassable." Mary had a little lamb, But she thought it was immense: With new green peas and other things It cost her ninety cents. LITTLE WILLIE Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car? FATHER I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a win- dow. $un JBoofe. 139 The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher. "He seems to have gone to the bad com- pletely." "Yes; I believe he found himself be- tween the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim." As he walked with baby He had to confess That marriage with him Was a howling success. THE SPINSTER How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to? THE WIFE Fifteen. THE SPINSTER My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid. 140 ffifre ffiun Pook. Seven little missionaries Horrible their fate Cannibals picked clean their bones Then they were ate. JUDGE You are charged with pro- fanity. PRISONER I am not. JUDGE You are, sir. What do you mean? PRISONER I was, but I got rid of it. "I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem." "Kind lady," remarked the weary way- farer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?" "Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady. Lady (after the tramp finishes eating) Ifs merely a suggestion the woodpile is in the back yard. Tramp You don't say ! What a splen- did place for a woodpile! fton Poofe. 141 Said she, "How beautiful is nature!" Said the young man, "Yes, quite true ;" Then added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too." "How to make your trousers last," "Make your coat and waistcoat first." The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will ; Then comes the doctor, and when he is through, You find that he has a big bill, too. "Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate." Clarence shuddered. "Oh, well," he rejoined, after the man- ner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board." If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, And d-o-u--h spells dough, Does B-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff? Or, simply anew? 142 TOe $tm Poofe. THE WIFE (savagely) Don't let me catch you flirting. THE HUSBAND (meekly) No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!- He called her an angel before they were wed, But that, alas ! didn't endure. For ere many months had passed over his head, He wished that she was one for sure. Elderly Man (greeting former ac- quaintance) "I remember your face per- fectly, miss, but your name has escaped me." The Young Woman "I don't wonder It escaped me three years ago. I am mar- ried now." "These verses make no sense," said she; "I can't tell what they mean." "Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he, "In any magazine." $un SBoofe. 143 THE BARBER Did I ever shave you be- fore? THE VICTIM Yes, once. THE BARBER I don't remember your face. THE VICTIM No; I suppose not. Ifs all healed up now. S They say the baby looks like me, A circumstance I dreaded, But the only likeness I can see Is that we're both bald-headed. "Do you think the things one eats a direct effect on one's disposition?" "Well, rather. We had Indian meal 1 pudding so often at our house that every- 1 body got savage." "I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club." "That's nothing; I once saw a tee- totaler on a fishing trip." 144 Bluff a little, bluff a little As you go your way ; Bluffing may not always help you Many times it may. Bluff a little, bluff a little; Men may rail at you But you'll see by watching closely That they're bluffing, too. The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh. A queen was she the beautiful maid Beauty or wealth she did not lack But the game was eunhre that Cupid played, And the Queen was won by a Jack. "So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove ! Don't you think that was a good deal?" "Yes, but they threw in a cook with it : she was warranted to stay two years!'* "Where are you going, my pretty maid ?" "I'm going to cut the corn," she said. "Can I go with you, my pretty maid?" "You're no chiropodist," she said. ffioofe. 145 MEDIUM Do you believe in spirits? BUSYMAN (off guard) When taken in moderation, yes. "You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend. "Not exactly/' answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law." The fate of Lof s wife Was all her own fault; She first turned to "rubber," And then turned to salt. I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down. I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak." He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour, But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower. 146 tEfre jton jBoofe. JOHN I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. TOM Thaf s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle. Her face was happy, His face was stern; Her hand was in his'n, His'n was in her'n. JACK "My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time." FEED "That's nothing-, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime." A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar? "Is a howling dog a sign of death?" Said Doolittle to Dunn. "Of course it is, if the dog will wait Until I get my gun." jton ffioofc. 147 "No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen of- fers before yours." "Huh I" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you." There was a young woman named Han- nah, Who put on a great many airs, She stepped on a peel of banana, And now she's laid up for repairs. "What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist. "Field labor," answered the native American. "Is that a fact?" queried the English- man, who was inclined to be a bit skepti- cal. "Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get." This life's a game of chance, they aay: The saw's more sad than witty, The public gathers 'round to play, The trust controls the "kitty." 148 3Efre ffiun ffioofe. 6-EORGE I can't understand why my girl shook me. HAROLD What was that you wrote to her the last time? GEOROE All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George." Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup How many hoopskirts will it take To fill a trolley car up ? "Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland com- mercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I re- tired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burg- lar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze. "Til fix that all right, sir/ he said. 'Front ! Take a cat to 23 at once.' " ffitm goofe. 149 A recent school examination in Eng- land elicited the following definitions: "Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote an- other, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl." . don't you demand $50,000 in- stead of $5,000?" said the lawyer. "Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me." "I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't knov. r " "That's no lie," interacted her hus- band. "But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what thev are." 150 ' tEfre jgun ffioofe. "Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kid- der, "was talking of coming here to board." "I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "yon were pleased to recommend our table and" "Sure ! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to in- crease his reach." An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't. "Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these dia- mond earrings ?r r pretty, but the stones are awfully srna.l. ' "Of course, my dear," replied the dip- lomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears," jton ffoofe. 151 Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, ifs married I am," said Mur- phy. "You don't tell me so," said Mor- raii. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an* I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neigh- bors say is the very picture of me." Mo- ran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, whafs the harum so long as the child's healthy?" A bashful young couple, who were evi- dently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face. "Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarrassed reply. 152 3Efre gun Poofe. "When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feed- ing the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: "Everybody Works but Father." "I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to." "Well?" "She said she was looking for some- thing better than that."