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 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 GREEK WIT.
 
 GREEK WIT 
 
 A COLLECTION OF 
 
 SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM GREEK 
 
 PROSE WRITERS 
 
 BY 
 
 F. A. PALEY, M.A. 
 
 EDITOR OF Martial's epigrams etc 
 
 SECOND SERIES 
 
 LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS 
 
 York Street, Covent Garden 
 
 1881
 
 CHISWICK press:— C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO. 
 TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.
 
 ?4 
 
 h'VP/ 
 
 NOTICE. 
 
 TV /TY little volume of "Greek Wit," though it 
 ■'-'-^ has been received with mixed praise and 
 blame, yet has met with sufficient success to j ustify 
 the Publishers in issuing a second series, which 
 was conditionally promised, and which, it is be- 
 lieved, will be found on the whole to contain a 
 better collection of "Sayings" than the former 
 volume. 
 
 The truth seems to be, that some who had ex- 
 pected, from the title, a "fiinny" book — a mere 
 collection of light jokes — were a little disappointed. 
 I had taken care to point out the difference between 
 fun and wit, and had also noticed the apparent 
 want of capacity in some persons for really appre- 
 ciating either the one or the other. To such, of 
 course, books of this kind will always seem more or 
 less dull. There are others who can see the wit or 
 the point of a few anecdotes, but not of the majority. 
 Not unnaturally, both these regard the selection as 
 
 11 
 
 5084^
 
 VI NOTICE. 
 
 " rather a poor one on the whole ; " and they think, 
 no doubt (and rightly, according to their own stan- 
 dard), that a good many might be struck out alto- 
 gether, and that better, i.e., some others more 
 amusing to them, could easily be substituted. 
 
 Two things are to be considered in estimating 
 Greek wit ; first, that it comes to us under some 
 disadvantage in translation; secondly, that what 
 was wit to a Greek has not necessarily the same 
 degree , ofLcleyemess or originality to us ; and 
 therefore it is apt to seem what is called " poor 
 wit." The collection of nearly 800 sayings and 
 anecdotes in this little work — and to get toge- 
 ther so many from the voluminous extant writings 
 of the Greeks was impossible without much 
 labour — contains an immense amount of prac- 
 tical good sense and of real wisdom, often very 
 interesting from its identity with and its anticipa- 
 tion of our recognized code of justice and mo- 
 rality. It is therefore quite as much for their 
 wisdom as for their wdt— albeit the words are 
 etymologically the same— that these sayings have 
 a claim to be appreciated. There is much in them 
 that is well fitted for quotation even in the pulpit 
 and in the senate.
 
 NOTICE. vii 
 
 I believe by far the larger part of the contents 
 of these two volumes is quite unknown to ordinary 
 readers, whose acquaintance with Greek literature 
 seldom exceeds the limits of school or university 
 reading. From Plutarch and Lucian alone an 
 ample gleaning is still to be made, and there are 
 several authors from whom nothing has here been 
 taken. I think I could engage to select materials 
 even for a third series, if I had the time to ran- 
 sack all the works of the later Greek writers. 
 But such a work, if worth perfonning, must be 
 left to others. 
 
 A very considerable portion of the anecdotes 
 in the present volume are taken from Diogenes 
 Laertius, whose "Lives of the Philosophers," in 
 ten books, are less read than they deserve to be. 
 Athenjeus and Stobifius have pretty largely con- 
 tributed ; Plutarch's ' ' Lives " have also been 
 read through with the same object in view, but 
 to the exclusion of sayings of illustrious Romans, 
 as not strictly falling under the title of "Greek 
 Wit." The extensive and very varied "Opera 
 Moralia" of Plutarch would doubtless have fur- 
 nished a good number of stories ; but the task of 
 going through them for this purpose alone was
 
 viii NOTICE. 
 
 too serious for me to undertake, much as I regret 
 the inevitable omission. 
 
 Many anecdotes about Socrates are now, I 
 think, for the first time made accessible to Eng- 
 lish readers. Diogenes the Cynic will also be a 
 new acquaintance to many. 
 
 I have to thank many Reviewers for kind notices 
 of the former series. The vanity of an author was 
 flattered by the appearance, immediately after pub- 
 lication, of a leading article upon it in one of the 
 principal daily journals. Not that that review was 
 altogether favourable to the character and estimate 
 I had formed of " Greek Wit ; " and perhaps the 
 real object of it was to show that Greek cleverness 
 was considerably over-rated. Nevertheless, ex- 
 perience has shown that the work has been read 
 by a good many ; and this encourages me to hope 
 that this volume will prove not less popular than 
 its predecessor. 
 
 London, July, 1881.
 
 GREEK WIT. 
 I. 
 
 XANTHIPPE was such a shrew that she once 
 pulled Socrates' mantle off his back in the 
 public square. " Why don't you repel force with 
 force?" asked his friends. "What!" replied he, 
 ' ' that we may have a boxing-match, and each of 
 you may call out. Go it, Socrates I or Go it, Xan- 
 thippe!" Diogenes Laertius, ii. 5, 37. 
 
 2. 
 
 When Lysias the orator had written a defence of 
 Socrates, the philosopher read it through, and re- 
 marked, " It is a fine speech, but not suited to me. '" 
 " How can that be ? " asked Lysias. " Why," re- 
 plied he, ' ' in the very same way as fine clothes or 
 fine shoes would not suit me." There was too 
 much learned law and too little philosophy in it. 
 
 Ibid. 40. 
 
 3- 
 
 Diogenes the Cynic was washing some vegetables, 
 
 2 B
 
 2 GREEK WIT. 
 
 when he sav/ Aristippus pass. Says the Cynic, 
 " If you had learnt to clean cabbages you would 
 not have been a courtier in the halls of the great." 
 " And if you," retorted the other, " had learnt how 
 to associate with your fellow men, you would not 
 now have been cleaning cabbages." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 8, 6S. 
 
 4- 
 Aristippus, being once asked, what is the use of 
 being a philosopher, replied, " If all laws are abo- 
 lished, we shall go on living just as we now do." 
 
 Ibid. 
 5- 
 The same being once asked by Dionysius, \\'hy 
 philosophers frequent the houses of the rich, but 
 when men get rich they no longer come to the 
 philosophers, replied: "The one understands 
 what he needs ; the other has no idea of his own 
 
 deficiency." I^i<l- 69- 
 
 6. 
 The same, when someone remarked that "he 
 alvvays saw philosophers at rich men's doors," re- 
 joined, "Arid so you see physicians at sick men's 
 doors ; but one would not therefore rather be a 
 patient than a doctor." Ibid. 70.
 
 GREEK WIT. 3 
 
 7. 
 
 The same, when someone was boasting of his 
 skill in diving, said, "Are you not ashamed at 
 boasting of what any dolphin can do ? " 
 
 DiOG. Laert. Ibid. 73. 
 
 8. 
 Aristippus once asked Dionysius for some money. 
 " I thought," said he, " a philosopher never felt the 
 want of it." " We will discuss that point," replied 
 Aristippus, "after you have given what I ask." 
 When Dionysius had given it, he said, "You see 
 now, I have not felt the want of money." 
 
 Ibid. 82. 
 
 9- 
 Theodorus went to a hierophant called Eury- 
 clides, and asked him who those were who were 
 said to "profane the mysteries." "Those," he 
 replied, "who explain them to the uninitiated." 
 "Then jjwc are profane," he replied ; " for /have 
 never been initiated." Ibid. loi. 
 
 * 
 
 10. 
 
 Demetrius the philosopher said, " What the 
 Sword is in war, that Reason is in governments." 
 DiOG. Laert. v. 5, 82.
 
 4 GREEK WIT. 
 
 II. 
 
 The same used to say of conceited men, that 
 " Something should be taken off from their height, 
 but whatever sense they may possess should be left 
 untouched." Diog. Laert. v. 5, 82. 
 
 12. 
 
 The same remarked that young men should show 
 respect to their parents at home, to strangers in the 
 highway, and to themselves in retirement. 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 13- 
 
 Antisthenes, when a young man who desired to 
 
 hear his lectures asked him what he should bring, 
 
 replied, " Six things : a copy-book and sense, a 
 
 pen and sense, and your short-hand tablets and 
 
 sense." I^'i^- vi. i, 3- 
 
 14. 
 The same, when told that Plato had been speak- 
 ing ill of him, observed, "Kings often do well, 
 and yet evil is spoken of them. " Ibid. 
 
 15. 
 
 The same, when asked why he had so few pupils, 
 replied, "Because I drive them out with a silver 
 wand " (by charging a fee). Ibid.
 
 GREEK WIT. S 
 
 l6. 
 Diogenes rubbed some fragrant essence on his 
 feet. "If you anoint your head," he observed, 
 "the fragrance goes off into the air and is wasted, 
 but if your feet, the scent ascends and gives a treat 
 to the nostrils." DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 39. 
 
 17. 
 
 The Athenians urged Diogenes to be initiated in 
 the Mysteries. " You'll hold a higher place in the 
 other world," said they. "What!" he replied, 
 " are such men as Agesilaus and Epaminondas to 
 pass their existence in the mud down there, while 
 some nobodies are in the Isles of the Blest just be- 
 cause they have been initiated ? " Ibid. 
 
 18. 
 
 Diogenes on coming out of a bath, was asked, 
 
 " Are there many men inside ? " " No," said he. 
 
 " Well, but are there a lot of people ? " " Yes," he 
 
 replied. Ibid. 40. 
 
 19. 
 
 Plato defined, with the approval of his hearers, a 
 
 human being as " a wingless biped." Diogenes 
 
 pulled the feathers off a cock, and brought it into 
 
 the school. " Here's Plato's ;«a«," said he. This
 
 6 GREEK WIT. 
 
 joke made Plato add to the definition, " A crea- 
 ture with flat nails." DiOG. Laert. Ibid. 
 
 20. 
 Antisthenes secretly disliked Plato, and once 
 paid him a visit when he was ill. Seeing that he 
 had just been very sick, he said, "Ah ! I see there 
 is some bile there. But I don't see any of his 
 affectation" DiOG. Laert. vi. i, 7. 
 
 21. 
 
 The same once ironically advised the Athenians 
 to pass a public vote that asses were horses. When 
 that seemed to them rather unreasonable, he said, 
 ' ' But you make men generals by a public vote, 
 who have no military qualities." Ibid. 
 
 22. 
 
 The same, when a young fellow was boasting 
 how rich he should be when a cargo of salt fish 
 arrived from the Pontus, and what attentions he 
 would then pay him, took him to a dealer in flour 
 with an empty meal-bag, filled it to the brim, and 
 was going away, when he was asked for the money, 
 "This young gentleman will pay for it," he says, 
 " when his cargo of salt fish comes in." Ibid. 9.
 
 GREEK WIT. 7 
 
 23- 
 Diogenes the Cynic used to say, that when in the 
 course of his Hfe he saw pilots, physicians, and philo- 
 sophers, he \vas disposed to regard man as the most 
 intelligent of beings ; but when, on the other hand, 
 he saw people professing to inteipret dreams, and 
 seers, and fools listening to them, or persons vain 
 of their reputation or their wealth, he thought 
 there was nothing so devoid of reason as man. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2. 24. 
 
 24. 
 One day, when he happened to be eating figs, 
 Diogenes met Plato, and said, ' ' You may have 
 some of these. " Plato accordingly took some and 
 ate them. "No!" exclaimed he, " I said have 
 them ; I didn't say you might eat them." 
 
 Ibid. 25. 
 
 25. 
 
 An acquaintance once came with a complaint to 
 Antisthenes, that "he had lost the notes he had 
 taken of his lecture." " Then," said the philoso- 
 pher, "you should have written them on the tab- 
 lets of your memory." DiOG. Laert. vi. i. 5.
 
 8 GREEK WIT. 
 
 26. 
 
 The same, hearing himself praised by some un- 
 principled men, observed, " I am very much afraid 
 I have done something wrong." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. I, 5. 
 
 27. 
 
 The same used to say, "A man should make 
 
 such provision for his voyage through life, that even 
 
 if he is shipwrecked, it may be solid enough to go 
 
 down with him." Mii/. 
 
 28. 
 
 The same, when asked what good he had got from 
 
 philosophy, replied, "The power to keep myself 
 
 company." /did. 
 
 29. 
 
 Stilpo, the philosopher of Megara, was accused 
 of impiety before the Areopagus, for denying the 
 divinity of the Athena made by Pheidias. " Is 
 Athena, the offspring of Zeus, divine?" he asked. 
 "Certainly," was the reply. "Then," said he, 
 "the Athena created by Pheidias is noi divine." 
 Being prosecuted for this, he ingeniously pleaded 
 a quibble, — he had not denied she was a god- 
 dess, but a g^od (the same in Greek). At which 
 some wag asked, " How could he be sure of the
 
 GREEK WIT. 9 
 
 sex of the statue ? " Nevertheless, the judges con- 
 demned him to be banished from the city. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 12, Ii6. 
 
 30- 
 
 The same, when Crates had asked him whether 
 the gods really take pleasure in prayers and the 
 worship of men, replied, "Don't ask such ques- 
 tions in the public road, but in private." 
 
 Ibid. 117. 
 
 31- 
 The same, when hearing a lecture from Crates, 
 ran off in the middle of it to buy fish. " So you 
 leave the subject, do you?" asked the lecturer. 
 " Not at all, my dear Sir," he replied ; " it 1% yoii 
 I leave ; the subject will wait my return, but the 
 fish will be sold ! " Ibid. 119. 
 
 32. 
 Menedemus the philosopher, hearing a young 
 man talking very loud, said to him, "Are you 
 quite sure you wear no appendage behind you ? " 
 
 Ibid. ii. 18, 128. 
 
 33- 
 The same, when asked, ' ' Ought a man of sense 
 to marry ? " replied by another question, " Do you
 
 lo GREEK IVIT. 
 
 think me a man of sense, or not ? " " Of course 
 you are," said the other. "Well, "he rejoined, "/ 
 am married." DiOG. Laert. ii. i8, 128. 
 
 34. 
 
 The same, having accidentally eaten in a cook's 
 shop a piece of meat which someone else had 
 rejected, gi-ew pale on discovering his mistake. 
 " Pooh ! " said a friend ; "it is not the meat that 
 makes you feel sick : it's the idea.'" Ibid. 132. 
 
 35- 
 
 The same, hearing one Bion running down the 
 
 seers as impostors, said to him, ' ' You are killing 
 a corpse." Ibid. 135. 
 
 36. 
 Speusippus, the successor of Plato in the Aca- 
 demy, was afflicted with paralysis, and was riding 
 thither in a vehicle when he met Diogenes. " Good 
 day !" said he to him. "I can't s2.y good day \.o 
 you," replied the Cynic, "if you prefer to live on 
 in that wretched plight ! " Ibid. iv. i, 3. 
 
 37- 
 
 Hipponicus the geometer had a lazy, stupid look, 
 
 and often yawned. Arcesilaus once said of him
 
 GREEK WIT. II 
 
 that "his geometry had flown into his mouth 
 when he opened it." DiOG. Laert, iv. 6, 32. 
 
 38. 
 Bion said to a spendthrift who had got through 
 his estates by his gluttony, " The earth swallowed 
 Amphiaraus, but you have swallowed the earth." 
 
 Ibid. iv. 7. 48. 
 
 39- 
 
 The same said of a rich man who was stingy, 
 "It is not he that possesses the property, but the 
 property that possesses him. " Ibid. 50. 
 
 40. 
 
 The same used to say, " We ought not to speak 
 
 evil of old age, for we all of us hope to reach it." 
 
 Ibid. 51. 
 41. 
 
 The same remarked to an envious man who was 
 
 looking cross, " I don't know whether it is some 
 
 harm that has happened to you, or some good to 
 
 another. " Ibid. 
 
 42. 
 
 Lacydes the philosopher thought he was doing 
 
 a very clever thing in sealing up his pantry-door, 
 
 and then, that it might not be stealthily taken from
 
 12 GREEK WIT. 
 
 him, throwing the seal back through a hole in it. 
 But the servants, observing this, opened the door, 
 stole M'hat they pleased, sealed it up again, and 
 popped the seal back through the hole. And he 
 never found it out ! DiOG. Laert. iv. 8. 59. 
 
 43- 
 
 Aristotle, being asked what gain was got by lying, 
 replied, "The never being believed when one tells 
 the truth." Ibid. v. i, 17. 
 
 44- 
 The same, being blamed for giving alms to a 
 worthless fellow, said, " It was the man I felt 
 pity for, not his character." Ibid. 
 
 45- 
 The same, when asked the difference between 
 educated and uneducated people, replied, "The 
 difference between the living and the dead." 
 
 Ibid. 19. 
 46. 
 The same used to say, " A parent who edu- 
 cates is more to be honoured than a parent who be- 
 gets offspring. One is the author of life, the other 
 the author of a good and useful life." Ibid.
 
 GREEK IV/T. 13 
 
 47- 
 The same defined friendship to be "One soul re- 
 siding in two bodies. " DiOG. Laert. //>zd. 20. 
 
 48. 
 The same observed that some men save as if they 
 were to live for ever, and some spend as if they 
 were to die to-morrow. I6id. 
 
 49. 
 The same, when asked what good he had got 
 from philosophy, said, " I have learnt to do with- 
 out bidding, that which others do only from fear of 
 the laws." /did. 
 
 50. 
 
 When someone asked Diogenes the proper time 
 for breakfasting, he replied, ' ' If you are rich, 
 whenever you choose ; if you are poor, whenever 
 you have anything to breakfast upon." 
 
 /did. vi. 2, 40. 
 
 51- 
 Diogenes observing that at Megara the sheep 
 had thick fleeces, but the boys were poorly clad, 
 remarked, "It pays better to be a ram in a Mega- 
 rian's flock than to be a son in his household." 
 
 Jliid, 41.
 
 14 GREEK WIT. 
 
 52. 
 Diogenes, seeing a harp-player being deserted by 
 his audience, said to him, " Good-bye, Mr. Cock." 
 "Why do you give me that name?" asked the 
 performer. " Because," he replied, " you make all 
 get up by your notes." DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 48. 
 
 53- 
 When a young man was making a public display 
 of his eloquence, Diogenes filled the front of his 
 mantle quite full of beans, and sat down just op- 
 posite. When all the audience stared at him, he 
 said, " Why do you give up that gentleman, and 
 turn your eyes on me ? " Ibid. 
 
 54- 
 The same once remarked that it was no wonder 
 that athletes were stupid, pig-headed fellows, when 
 they were built up on so much bacon. Ibid. 49. 
 
 55. 
 The same once was begging for a statue as a 
 
 present to him. Being asked why he made such 
 
 an unreasonable request, he answered, " I am 
 
 practising disappointment." Ibid. 49.
 
 GREEK WIT. IS 
 
 56. 
 The same used once to beg alms, and on one oc- 
 casion he made this appeal : " If you ever gave to 
 anyone, give to me ; if not, begin charity with 
 me." DiOG. Laert. Ibid. 50. 
 
 57. 
 The same being asked what creature gives the 
 worst bite, " Of wild beasts, the Informer : of tame 
 beasts, the Flatterer." Ibid. 51. 
 
 58. 
 The same, on seeing two Centaurs very badly 
 drawn, asked, " Which of these is Chiron ? " {i.e. 
 the worse). Ibid. 
 
 59- 
 Diogenes the Cynic, finding no one attended his 
 lectures, began to play a lively air on the flute. He 
 soon collected an audience, and reproached them 
 thus : " You make it a serious business to attend a 
 nonsensical performance, but hang back from 
 serious instructions with the utmost indifference." 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 27. 
 60. 
 The same philosopher was once offered for sale
 
 i6 GREEK WIT. 
 
 in the slave-market. On being told he was not 
 permitted to sit down, he exclaimed, "It doesn't 
 matter, surely ; fish are sold in whatever position 
 they chance to lie." When he had been purchased 
 by one Xeniades, he said to his new master, " It 
 will be for you to obey 77ie. One would have to 
 obey the doctor, or the steersman in a ship, even 
 if they were slaves." DiOG. Laert. 29. 
 
 61. 
 
 On another occasion, when Diogenes had said to 
 his master Xeniades, "Come, do as you are bid," 
 the latter in surprise quoted a proverb meaning 
 that " truly things are now changed." "Suppose," 
 replied Diogenes, " you had paid money to a phy- 
 sician because you were ill, and then, instead of 
 following his advice, said to him, truly things are 
 now changed." Ibid. vi. 2, 36. 
 
 62. 
 
 Diogenes being asked what sort of a character 
 he thought Socrates, replied, "Cracked." 
 
 Ibid. 54. 
 
 63. 
 The same Xeniades retained Diogenes long in 
 his service, and he was buried by his master's sons.
 
 GREEK WIT. 17 
 
 On being asked in his last illness how he wished 
 to be buried, he replied, " With my face down- 
 wards." "Why?" they asked. "Because," he 
 replied (in reference to the Macedonian supremacy), 
 " in a very short time things will be turned upside 
 down." DiOG. Laert. ibid. vi. 2, 31. 
 
 64. 
 The same, being grossly insulted and beaten by 
 some young men, made a list of them, and went 
 about with their names conspicuously written hang- 
 ing about him. Ibid. 33. 
 
 65- 
 The same, when some strangers were anxious to 
 see Demosthenes, pointed at him with his middle 
 finger, and said, "That's the Athenian dema- 
 gogue." Ibid. 34. 
 
 (>(). 
 
 The same, when some one had dropped a loaf, 
 and thought himself too much of a gentleman to 
 pick it up, by way of reading him a practical lesson 
 on his folly, tied a string to the neck of a pot, and 
 dragged it through the Cerameicus. Ibid. 35. 
 
 67. 
 The same philosopher said most people's mad- 
 2 C
 
 i8 GREEK WIT. 
 
 ness was distinguished by a finger. Go with your 
 middle finger extended, and people will say you 
 are crazy ; go with your forefinger out, as if point- 
 ing, and no one will notice it. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 35. 
 
 68. 
 
 The same used to say, " Things of great value 
 are sold for next to nothing, and things that are 
 worthless for a very high price. One has to give a 
 hundred pounds for a statue, while a pint of flour 
 costs twopence." Ibid. 
 
 69. 
 
 When some one had given Diogenes a knock 
 
 with a beam, and called out, "Take care!" he 
 
 asked, " Are you going to hit me again ? " 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 41. 
 70. 
 
 When Perdiccas had threatened Diogenes that 
 if he did not come to him he would kill him, he 
 replied : ' ' No great feat that — any venomous crea- 
 ture could do the same. Tell him rather to threaten 
 to live happily without me." Ibid. 44. 
 
 71- 
 Diogenes said to one who was having his shoes
 
 GREEK IV IT. 19 
 
 put on him by a servant, " You'll want help next 
 in blowing your own nose. It will come to that, if 
 you have so little use of your hands." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi, 2, 44. 
 
 72. 
 
 Diogenes was once enjoying the sunshine, when 
 Alexander the Great came to see him. " Ask me," 
 says the king, "any favour you please." "Just 
 stand out of the light then," replied Diogenes. 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 38. 
 
 73. 
 The same, when some one had been reading at 
 
 great length, and showed a glimpse of an unwritten 
 page at the end of the book, called out to the au- 
 dience, " Courage, my lads ! I descry land ahead." 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 74- 
 
 The same, hearing some one maintain that there 
 was no such a thing as motion, .got up and walked 
 about. Ibid. 39. 
 
 75. 
 Another was delivering a lecture on the heavenly 
 bodies. " How long is it since you came down 
 from the sky ? " asked Diogenes. Ibid. 39.
 
 20 CREEK WIT. 
 
 76. 
 The attendant of an immoral man had inscribed 
 over the door, Let no evil enter here. ' ' Then how 
 and where is your master to enter ? " asked Dio- 
 genes. DiOG. Laert. ibid. 
 
 77. 
 Diogenes seeing certain officials taking to prison 
 a steward who had stolen a cup, remarked, " Here 
 are the big thieves carrying off the little thief." 
 
 Ibid. 45. 
 78. 
 
 Diogenes seeing a dirtily-kept bath, asked, 
 " Where do people wash themselves, who wash 
 here ? " Ibid. 47. 
 
 79. 
 
 The question was put to Aristotle, how pupils 
 can best make progress in their studies? "Let 
 them try to overtake those already ahead of them," 
 he replied, " without waiting for the laggards to 
 come up with them." Ibid. v. I, 20. 
 
 80. 
 
 The same assured a chatterbox, who expressed a 
 fear that he had tired him with his talk, that he 
 need not apologize ; he had not listened to a single 
 word. Ibid.
 
 GREEK WIT. 21 
 
 8r. 
 
 The same being asked how we ought to behave 
 to our friends, replied, " as we would wish them to 
 behave toward us." DiOG. Laert. v. i, 21. 
 
 82. 
 Lycon the philosopher made the feeling remark : 
 " It is a great distress to a father to see a daughter 
 getting past her prime because she has not money 
 to marry on. " Ibid. v. 4, 65. 
 
 83. 
 
 Demetrius, a pupil of Theophrastus, being told 
 that the Athenians had pulled down certain statues 
 formerly erected to honour him, remarked, "They 
 cannot destroy the merits for which they set them 
 up." Ibid. V. S, 82. 
 
 84. 
 
 The same used to say, ' ' A man's eyebrows are 
 no unimportant part of him ; they can throw a 
 shadow on his whole life." Ibid. 
 
 85. 
 Another saying of Demetrius was, " Not only is 
 Plutus (wealth) blind, but the goddess Fortune who 
 leads him. " Ibid.
 
 22 GREEK WIT. 
 
 86. 
 One Polyctor, a bad harpist, was making a meal 
 on porridge, when he struck his tooth against a 
 pebble. " See," said one present, " the very lentils 
 are throwing stones at you." 
 
 Athen. vi. p. 245. 
 
 87. 
 One Chaerephon, a parasite, complained that 
 "he could not bear the wine." " Nor," sugges- 
 ted one of the guests, " the water it is mixed with." 
 
 Ibid. 
 88. 
 Someone having set on the table some dark and 
 dirty-looking bread, another, to tease him, brought 
 some of a still darker colour. "These are not 
 loaves at all," he said ; "they are the shadows of 
 loaves." Ibid. 
 
 89. 
 Solon, weeping for the death of his son, was told 
 that " Grief was of no use." " That is just why I 
 weep," he replied. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. 2, 63. 
 
 90. 
 Chilon being asked what were the most difficult
 
 GREEK WIT. 23 
 
 things, replied, "To keep secrets, to make a good 
 use of leisure, and to bear being wronged." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. 3, 69. 
 
 91. 
 Bias thought the most difficult thing of all was, 
 " To bear nobly a change for the worse in our for- 
 tunes." Ibid. i. 5, 86. 
 92. 
 The Italians of old were so simple in their habits, 
 that in the time of Cato the Censor even gentle- 
 men of fortune would bring their sons to a din- 
 ner, giving them water to drink, and the choice 
 of pears or walnuts to eat, with either of which 
 they were satisfied, and went contentedly to bed. 
 
 Athen. vi. p. 274. 
 
 93- 
 Socrates being asked whether it were better to 
 marry or not to marry, replied, *' Whichever you 
 do, you will regret it." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 5, 33. 
 
 94. 
 The same used to say, that he wondered people 
 took such pains to make the likeness of stone
 
 24 CREEK WIT. 
 
 statues as close as possible, but no pains at all not 
 to become like stone statues themselves. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 5, 53. 
 
 95. 
 The same observed, that whereas most men lived 
 to eat, he ate to live. Ibid, 34. 
 
 96. 
 The same, when his wife said, " You are being 
 put to death unjustly," replied, " Would you wish 
 me to ^\Q justly) " Ibid. 35. 
 
 91- 
 
 The same, when about to drink the hemlock, 
 declined a handsome garment offered for the oc- 
 casion (according to the Greek custom) by Apollo- 
 donis. "What!" he exclaimed, "is this old 
 cloak good enough for me to have lived in, and 
 not good enough to die in ? " Ibid. 
 
 98. 
 The same, when his pupil Antisthenes made a 
 display of a ragged mantle, said to him, "I can see 
 your vanity through that hole in your cloak." 
 
 Ibid. 
 99- 
 Th e same, when Alcibiades said he could not
 
 GREEK WIT. 25 
 
 bear to hear Xanthippe scold him, replied, " You 
 don't mind hearing your geese hiss." " But," said 
 Alcibiades, " they produce goslings for me." 
 "And Xanthippe," replied Socrates, "produces 
 babies for me." Diog. Laert. 37. 
 
 100. 
 
 Lycurgiis being asked why he brought up Spar- 
 tan young women in the same athletic exercises as 
 the men, gave the three following reasons : — First, 
 that a vigorous offspring may be bom from strong 
 bodies ; next, that they may bear themselves 
 bravely in child-birth ; thirdly, that if necessity 
 arises, they may be able to fight for themselves, 
 their children, and their country. 
 
 Plut. Ap. Lac. Lyat7-g. xii. 
 
 loi. 
 
 The same legislator, when someone wished to 
 know why the law forbade a dower being given 
 with any daughter, replied, "That every girl may 
 have a chance of marriage for her own sake, with- 
 out regard to her fortune." 
 
 102. 
 Bias the philosopher was once in a storm at sea.
 
 26 GREEK WIT. 
 
 with an impious crew, who began to pray to the 
 gods for help. " Hush ! " said he, " lest the gods 
 should be made aware who is sailing here." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. 5, 86. 
 
 103. 
 The same, when an irreligious man asked him to 
 define piety towards the gods, made no reply. When 
 asked the reason of his silence, he answered, " Be- 
 cause you are asking about that which does not 
 concern you in the least." Ibid. 
 
 104. 
 The same once remarked that he felt greater 
 pleasure in deciding between his enemies than be- 
 tween his friends. For you cannot help making one 
 friend an enemy, and are pretty sure to make one 
 enemy a friend. Ibid. 
 
 105. 
 The same, when asked what was the greatest 
 pleasure to most men, replied, "Making money." 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 106. 
 The same used to say that a man ought to mea-
 
 GREEK WIT. zj 
 
 sure his life with a view to two probabilities : it 
 may be short, and it may be long. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. 5, 86. 
 
 107. 
 
 The same advised his friends to be slow in un- 
 dertaking any scheme, but to stick to it and carry 
 it out when once decided upon. Among his sage 
 maxims were these :— Don't talk quick ; it shows 
 levity of character. Prize above all things good 
 sense. When you are asked what you think about 
 the gods, say that of course there are such beings. 
 Don't praise one who does not deserve it, merely 
 because he is rich. Take only by persuasion, not 
 by force. Thank the gods for any good you may 
 do or receive. Make learning your resource against 
 old age, for it is the only possession you are sure 
 of keeping. ^^i'^- 
 
 108. 
 
 Anacharsis the Scythian used to say that he 
 could not understand how the Athenians encou- 
 raged prize-fights and yet passed laws against out- 
 rages. Ibid. i. 8, 103. 
 109. 
 
 The same, finding that the thickness of a ship's
 
 28 CREEK WIT. 
 
 plank was under two inches, said, "That is the 
 distance between the crew and death." 
 
 DioG. Laert. i. 8, 103. 
 
 no. 
 
 The same, when asked what ships were the 
 safest ? replied, " Those in dock." Ibid. 104. 
 
 III. 
 
 The same was greatly surprised that the Greeks, 
 
 who used charcoal for fuel, could leave the smoke 
 
 in the mountains and carry the wood into the city ! 
 
 Ibid. 
 112. 
 
 The same defined a market-place to be "A 
 
 space marked out for the purposes of cheating." 
 
 Ibid. 105. 
 "3- 
 Myso, who was a misanthrope, was once seen at 
 LacedDsmon in a solitary place, indulging in laugh- 
 ter. " Why," he was asked, " do you laugh when 
 there is no one here ? " " Because there is no one 
 here," he replied. Ibid. i. 9, 108. 
 
 114. 
 
 The same used to say, "Do not look for facts 
 from words, but words from facts. For facts are
 
 GREEK WIT. 29 
 
 not brought about for the sake of being talked of ; 
 talk is the result of fact." 
 
 DioG. Laert. i. 9, 108. 
 
 US- 
 Diogenes used to reason thus : — "All things be- 
 long to the gods. Wise men are the friends of the 
 gods. The proverb says, * Friends have all things 
 in common.' Therefore, all things belong to wise 
 men." Ibid. vi. 2, 37. 
 
 116. 
 
 The same, observing a woman kneeling before a 
 statue without strict regard to the disposition of 
 her dress, thought to give her a lesson against super- 
 stition. So he went up to her and said, " My good 
 woman, you know the gods are everywhere ! Take 
 care one of them is not standing behind you now 
 and looking at your legs." Ibid. 
 
 117. 
 
 Diogenes lighted a lamp in the daytime, and said 
 he was " Trying to find a man." Ibid. 41. 
 
 118. 
 
 Lycurgus recommended pursuit of a routed
 
 30 GREEK WIT. 
 
 enemy only so far as to secure a victory. "It is 
 your interest not to kill more than you need," said 
 he ; "for when they know that you give quarter 
 to those who run, and slay only those who make a 
 stand, it is clear which course they will pursue." 
 Plut. Ap. Lac. Lye. 30. 
 
 119. 
 Dionysius sent Lysander two female dresses, and 
 asked him to choose which he liked best and convey 
 it with his compliments to his daughter. " She had 
 better make the choice herself," he replied, — and 
 carried them both away. Lbid. Lys. i. 
 
 120. 
 
 When someone was roundly abusing Lysander, 
 he said, " Lay it on thick ; spare not, speak out, 
 omit nothing ! There seems to be a good deal of 
 venom on your mind, and perhaps you may thus 
 work off some of it." Ibid. it,. 
 
 121. 
 Some time after the death of Lysander, King 
 Agesilaus went to his house to see what papers he 
 had left. Finding a treatise advocating an elective
 
 GREEK WIT. 31 
 
 in place of an hereditary monarchy, he was de- 
 sirous to publish it, to show the malice of the man. 
 But Cratidas, who was then the chief man among 
 the Ephors, fearing lest the argument should con- 
 vince the people, advised him to suppress it. 
 "Don't let us dig Lysander up again," he said, 
 " but rather bury his theory with him." 
 
 Plut. ibid, Lys. 14. 
 
 122. 
 
 Diogenes being asked if he could account for the 
 pale colour of gold, said it was because it had so 
 many always plotting against it. 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 51. 
 
 123. 
 The same, on seeing some women who had been 
 hanged on the boughs of an olive tree, said, "I 
 wish all trees bore that kind of fruit." Ibid. 52. 
 
 124. 
 
 The same, being asked whether he kept any girl 
 
 or boy as a servant, replied in the negative. ' ' Then 
 
 who is there to bury you when you die ? " they 
 
 asked. " Whoever wants the house," he replied. 
 
 Ibid.
 
 32 GREEK WIT. 
 
 125. 
 When Plato was lecturing on his theory of " Ab- 
 stracts," Diogenes said, "Table-ism and cup-ism 
 I cannot see, though I can see a table or a cup." 
 "That," replied Plato, " is because you have eyes 
 to see the one, but not tnind to apprehend the 
 other." DiOG. Laert, vi. 2, 53. 
 
 126. 
 Some one was desirous to study philosophy 
 under Diogenes. He put a red herring into his 
 hands, and said, Follow me. The applicant, ashamed 
 to do so, tossed away the fish and left him. After 
 a time Diogenes met him, and said, " The friend- 
 ship between you and me has been broken off by 
 a red herring." Ibid. vi. 2. 36. 
 
 127. 
 The same, observing a little boy drinking water 
 with his hands, took out of his scrip a cup which 
 he carried in it, and flung it away, saying, " That 
 boy has beaten me in thrift." Shortly afterwards, 
 he threw away his plate too, on seeing another boy 
 who had just broken his, and was holding his por- 
 ridge in a hole which he had scooped in his loaf. 
 
 Ibid. 37.
 
 GREEK WIT. 33 
 
 128. 
 On some Athenian remarking, "You Spartans 
 are too much given to doing nothing," Nicander 
 replied, " And you Athenians to doing too much." 
 
 Plut. Ap. Lac. Nic. 3. 
 
 129. 
 
 Panthoides was asked what he thought of the 
 lectures on morality delivered by the philosophers 
 in the Academy? "They are good," said he, 
 "very good indeed, but utterly useless; for you 
 Athenians never think of following them." 
 
 Ibid, Panth. 2. 
 130. 
 The people of Delos were arguing before the 
 Athenians the claims of their country, — a sacred 
 island, they said, in which no one is ever bom and 
 no one is ever buried. " Then, " asked Pausanias, 
 "how can that be your country ? " 
 
 Ibid. Pans. I. 
 
 131- 
 
 When some persons who had been expelled from 
 Athens were urging Pausanias to lead an army 
 against them, saying that they alone had hissed 
 when his name was announced at the Olympian 
 
 2 D
 
 •34 GREEK WIT. 
 
 games, he answered, " If they hiss when they are 
 well treated, what will they do to me when they 
 are hardly dealt with ? " 
 
 Plut. Ap. Lac. Pans. 2. 
 
 132. 
 
 When a thin and weakly man was urging Pau- 
 sanias to fight with his enemies to the death, he 
 said to him, " Then will you strip, and show them 
 what sort of a man you are who give this very spi- 
 rited advice ? " Ibid. 4. 
 
 Pausanias the son of Pleistoanax was asked why 
 the Spartans never repealed any of their ancient 
 laws. " Because," he replied, " laws have autho- 
 rity over men, not men over laws." Ibid. i. 
 
 134- 
 The same, when a physician had examined him, 
 and assured him there was nothing the matter, 
 said, "Just so ; that is because I have not been in 
 the habit of consulting _>'<?«." Ibid. 4. 
 
 135. 
 The same, on another occasion, was asked why
 
 GREEK WIT. 3S 
 
 he spoke evil of a physician whom he had never 
 consulted ? " If I had consulted him" said he, "I 
 should not now have been speaking either good or 
 evil of anybody." Plut. Ap. Lac. Paits. 5. 
 
 136. 
 The same, when his medical adviser remarked 
 he had " become aged," retorted, " Because I have 
 not taken your pills." Ibid. 6. 
 
 137. 
 The same defined a "good doctor" to be one 
 who buried his patients quickly, and did not keep 
 them alive on physic. Ibid. 7. 
 
 138. 
 Paedaretus, when some one was praising for his 
 good nature an effeminate-looking man, remarked, 
 " We should not praise men for being like women, 
 nor indeed women for being like men, unless there 
 should be some special occasion for it." 
 
 Ibid. Pacd. 2. 
 
 139- 
 The same, when he found his name had not been 
 inscribed among the Three Hundred, who stood 
 first in military rank, went away laughing. Being
 
 36 GREEK WIT. 
 
 asked by the Ephors the reason of his conduct, he 
 replied, "Through joy that the state has three 
 hundred better citizens than myself." 
 
 Plut. Ap. Lac. Paed. 3. 
 
 140. 
 
 Pleistarchus, when a certain advocate was trying 
 to be " funny," said to him, " If you go on joking, 
 my good friend, you will become a joker, just as 
 those who are always wrestling become wrestlers." 
 
 Ibid. Pleist. 2. 
 141. 
 
 Polydoi^us, son of Alcamenes, said to one who 
 was always threatening his enemies, '" You don't 
 see that you are wasting the greatest part of your 
 vengeance.'' Ibid. Polyd. i. 
 
 142. 
 Thales, when his mother urged him to marry, 
 used to plead, " I am too young." When she still 
 pressed him in his middle age, he replied, " I am 
 too old." DiOG. Laert. i. i, 26. 
 
 143- 
 The same philosopher, being conducted from his 
 house one night by his old housekeeper to see the
 
 GREEK WIT. 37 
 
 stars, tumbled into a ditch. "Do you expect, 
 sir," she asked, "ever to know things above your 
 head, if you don't see things under your feet ? " 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. I, 34. 
 
 144. 
 The same, on saying that "Death was just as 
 good as life," was asked, "Why, then, don't you 
 die?" "Just hecatise there is no difference," he 
 replied. Ibid. i. i, 35. 
 
 145- 
 The same being asked the best way of bearing 
 adversity, replied, " By seeing your enemies worse 
 off than yourself. " Ibid. i. 36. 
 
 146. 
 The same remarked that the best and most 
 righteous way of living was to do nothing which we 
 blame in others. Ibid. 
 
 147. 
 The same defined a happy man to be one " heal- 
 thy in body, easy in circumstances, well stored in 
 his mind." Ibid. i. 37. 
 
 148. 
 Crcesus, having dressed himself in all his royal 
 robes and decorations, and taken his seat on his
 
 3S CREEK WIT. 
 
 throne, asked Solon if he had ever seen a more 
 beautiful sight. " Yes," replied Solon, "cocks, 
 pheasants, and peacocks ; for their dress is natural 
 to them, and a thousand times prettier." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. i. 2, 51. 
 
 149. 
 
 The same philosopher used to say that laws were 
 like spiders' webs ; they would hold any small and 
 light matter, but larger objects always broke through 
 and escaped. Ibid. i. 2, 58. 
 
 150. 
 Some one, in anger at a discussion, gave So- 
 crates a kick. When surprise was expressed at his 
 bearing it patiently, he said, " If an ass had kicked 
 me, should I have brought it before the magis- 
 trate?" Ibid. ii. 5, 21. 
 
 151- 
 Euripides once gave Socrates a work by Hera- 
 clitus, and asked him what he thought of it. " What 
 I understand," he replied, "is very good, and so, 
 I dare say, is what I don't understand ; but it wants 
 a good diver to get to the bottom of it." 
 
 Ibid. ii. 22.
 
 GREEK WIT. 39 
 
 152. 
 
 Alcibiades offered Socrates a large piece of land 
 to build a house on. " If I had wanted a pair of 
 shoes," he said, " would you have given me a whole 
 hide, merely that I might make a fool of myself?" 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 24. 
 
 153- 
 Socrates, looking at the quantity of things sold 
 in the market, used to say, " How many there are 
 which I do not want ! " Ibid. ii. 25. 
 
 154. 
 The same used to say ' ' That he knew nothing, 
 except the one fact that he knew nothing. " 
 
 Ibid. ii. 32. 
 
 155- 
 Phocion, seeing the Athenians eager to make a 
 raid into Boeotia, and disapproving of it, ordered 
 the crier to give public notice, ' ' All citizens be- 
 tween twenty and sixty years of age are to take 
 five days' provision and follow the general imme- 
 diately after this meeting." At this the seniors 
 murmured, but Phocion said to them, "What rea-
 
 4° GREEK WIT. 
 
 son have you to complain ? I, your leader, am 
 eighty years of age, and I shall be one of you." 
 
 Plut. Vit. F/ioc. 24. 
 
 156. 
 The same general, on one occasion when he had 
 assigned a place to the heavy armed troops, ob- 
 served a young man advance beyond the rest, and 
 again retire into the rank when an enemy faced 
 him. " My lad," said he, "you have deserted tivo 
 posts ; one which I gave you, and another which 
 you gave yourself." Ibid. zt^. 
 
 157- 
 When news had been brought to Athens of the 
 death of Alexander the Great, Demades the orator 
 bade the people not to listen to it. " Had it been 
 so," he said, "the whole world would long ago 
 have smelt the corpse. " Ibid. 22. 
 
 158. 
 Phocion compared the talk of Leosthenes to a 
 cypress tree,— tall, and big, but without frait. 
 
 Ibid. 23. 
 
 159- 
 Hypereides the orator asked Phocion when he
 
 GREEK WIT. 41 
 
 Avould advise the Athenians to go to war. He re- 
 plied, "When I see the young men keeping to tlie 
 ranks ; the rich willing to pay taxes ; and the ora- 
 tors keeping their hands off the public money." 
 
 Pi.UT. Vit. Phoc. 23. 
 
 160. 
 
 Demades the orator once said to Phocion, "I 
 think the Athenians ought to adopt the Spartan 
 polity, and if you advise it, I will both write and 
 speak in favour of it." Phocion replied, " Yoii^xit 
 not the man to recommend Spartan simplicity, with 
 your perfumes and your fine clothes." Ibid. 20. 
 
 161. 
 Phocion, being asked for a subscription for a re- 
 ligious purpose, pointed to his banker, and said, 
 "Ask the rich ; I should be ashamed to pay money 
 to you, when I owe it to Jmn. " Ibid. 9. 
 
 162. 
 When one Aristogeiton, a common informer, ad- 
 vocated a warlike policy in the assembly, but, on 
 the military lists being made out, came walking 
 with a stick and wearing a bandage on his leg, 
 Phocion called out with a loud voice, " Put down
 
 42 GREEK WIT. 
 
 Aristogeiton too, and describe him, lame and 
 scamp" Plut. Vit. Phoc. lo. 
 
 163. 
 The same Phocion, when Aristogeiton was in 
 prison for debt and had begged to see him, rejected 
 the entreaties of his friends that he should not go. 
 "Where," he asked, "could one meet the man 
 with greater pleasure ? " Ibid. 10. 
 
 164. 
 Phocion had so great a regard for Chabrias, that 
 after his death he did everything in his power to 
 reform his profligate son Ctesippus. On one oc- 
 casion, when he was being pertly addressed and 
 interfered with in his military plans, he exclaimed 
 in bitterness, " O Chabrias, Chabrias, great indeed 
 is my regard for your friendship, when I bear pa- 
 tiently with this son of yours ! " Ibid. 7. 
 
 165. 
 Anaximander was once laughed at by some little 
 boys for his singing. When told of it, he said, 
 * ' We must sing better, on account of these small 
 boys." DiOG. Laert. ii. i, 2.
 
 GREEK WIT. 43 
 
 1 66. 
 Anaxagoras, on being shown the costly tomb of 
 Mausolus, defined it to be "the ghost of wealth 
 turned into stone." DiOG. Laert. i. 3, 10. 
 
 167. 
 Some one asked Diogenes at what time of life 
 he had best marry? " If you are young," he re- 
 plied, *' 7tot yet ; if you are old, never." 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 54. 
 
 168. 
 The same, observing a young man blush, said, 
 " Never mind, my lad ; you bear virtue's colour 
 on your cheek." Ibid. 
 
 169. 
 The same, when asked what wine he liked best, 
 replied, " That which comes out of a friend's cellar." 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 170. 
 
 The same, being asked why men give alms to 
 beggars but have nothing to spare for philosophers, 
 said, " It is because they expect to become halt and 
 blind themselves, but not to become philosophers." 
 
 Ibid. vi. 56.
 
 44 GREEK WIT. 
 
 171. 
 
 Aristides had so strong a sense of justice that he 
 stood up for right even when contending against 
 his enemies. On one occasion he was prosecuting 
 one of these in court, and the charge was of such a 
 nature that the jury seemed unwilHng to hear his 
 defence, and showed some impatience to give their 
 verdict immediately. Upon this Aristides arose, 
 and joined in tbe defendant's appeal to the court 
 that he might be heard and not be deprived of his 
 legal rights. Plutarch, Vit. Arist. ch. 4. 
 
 172. 
 The same, having on another occasion to decide 
 a claim for two private persons, on one of them re- 
 marking that his adversary had given Aristides 
 a great deal of annoyance, said to him, "Tell me 
 rather if he has done yoii any harm ; it is for you, 
 not for myself, that I am sitting here as judge." 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 173- 
 The son of Iphicrates, being a tall lad, was 
 drafted into the military service, though under age. 
 On which the father remarked, "If they regard
 
 GREEK WIT. 45 
 
 tall children as men, in fairness they ought to regard 
 little men as children. " 
 
 Aristotle, Rhetoru, book ii. ch. 23. 
 
 174. 
 Xenophanes used to say, "It is equally impious 
 to assert the gods were born, and to affirm that they 
 can die ; for in both cases there must be a time of 
 nonexistence of gods." Ibid. 
 
 175- 
 A rich Athenian called Callias was accused by 
 
 his enemies in court, among other charges, of neg- 
 lecting his near relative, Aristides, and allowing 
 him, the admired of all Greece, with hiswife and 
 family, to be almost starved through poverty. 
 Upon this Callias challenged Aristides to declare 
 the truth, that he had in fact declined many offers 
 of money from him, with this remark ; " I ought 
 to be more proud of my poverty than Callias of his 
 wealth. For wealth is a gift we very often see 
 both well and ill used ; but it is not easy to meet 
 with one who bears poverty like a true gentleman. 
 It is only those who dislike to be poor that are 
 really ashamed of poverty." 
 
 Plutarch, Life of Aristides, ch. 25.
 
 46 GREEK WIT. 
 
 176. 
 Zeno used to say that it was more serious to 
 make a slip with the tongue than with the foot. 
 DiOG. Laert. vii. i, 26. 
 
 177. 
 Aristo compared lectures on logic to spiders' 
 webs. "They show skill in catching," he said, 
 " but are practically useless." Ibid, viu 2, 161. 
 
 178. 
 Cleanthes, on being taunted with being too 
 cautious, replied, "That is why I make so few 
 mistakes." Ibid, vii. 5, 171. 
 
 179. 
 The same was conversing with a young man, and 
 asked him, " Do you understand me ? " " O yes," 
 said the youth. "Then how is it," he asked, 
 " that I don't understand that you understand ? " 
 
 Ibid. vii. 172. 
 180. 
 Some one was finding fault with Cleanthes on 
 the score of his old age. "I, too," said he, "wish 
 to depart hence ; yet when I am conscious of per- 
 fect ihealth in all respects, and retain full power
 
 GREEK WIT. 47 
 
 both to write and to read, then again I am content 
 to abide at my post in life. " 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vii. 174. 
 
 181. 
 
 Pyrrho, being in a ship during a storm, observed 
 that the crew looked very grave. But he raised 
 their courage by his own calmness, and by pointing 
 out a pig that was feeding quite unconcerned. "A 
 wise man," he said, " ought to be at least as tran- 
 quil as a pig. " Ibid. ix. 1 1 , 68. 
 
 182. 
 
 Timon said to one who was always expressing 
 wonder at everything he saw, " Why don't you 
 wonder that three of us here have only four eyes ?" 
 The fact was, that two of the three happened 
 to have lost an eye. Ibid. ix. 112, 114. 
 
 183. 
 A certain man who prided himself on his know- 
 ledge of etiquette, whenever he visited the younger 
 Dionysius used to shake out the folds of his mantle 
 to show that he carried no weapon that could be used 
 against a tyrant. Dionysius, thinking it implied 
 a reproach to him, gave orders that the man should
 
 43 GREEK WIT. 
 
 do the same when he left his presence, lest per- 
 chance he should be canying off something he had 
 stolen. Plutarch, Vit. Timoleon. ch. 15. 
 
 184. 
 Philip of Macedon was once discoursing with 
 others over their wine about some tragedies which 
 the elder Dionysius had left, and ironically re- 
 marked that "he wondered how he found time to 
 write them." "He did it," replied the younger 
 Dionysius, " while you and I, and all those who 
 are thought to be well off, were wasting our time 
 over. the bowl." Ibid. 
 
 185. 
 
 Theophrastus relates that the Spartan King Ar- 
 chidamus was fined by the Ephors for having 
 married a woman of short stature. " He will not 
 beget kings for us, but kinglets,'^ they said. 
 
 Plut. Vit. Ages. ch. 2. 
 
 186. 
 
 Minecrates, a physician, having been successful 
 in treating some cases that had been given up by 
 others, had the titleofZ^?«{ Jupiter) given him by his 
 admirers. Conceited of the honour, he wrote thus
 
 GREEK WIT. 49 
 
 • 
 
 to Agesilaus : — ' ' Menecrates Zeus sends greeting 
 to King Agesilaus." To which he received the 
 reply, "King Agesilaus wishes Menecrates good 
 health." Plut. Vit. Ages. ch. 21. 
 
 187. 
 Plato used to say, that of all the distinguished 
 statesmen Athens ever had, Aristides alone was 
 worthy of account ; for whereas Themistocles, 
 Cimon, and Pericles had filled the city with fine 
 buildings, and wealth, and many other glories 
 which were but trifles, Aristides had been a vir- 
 tuous ruler of the State. 
 
 Plutarch, Life of Aristides, ch. 25. 
 
 188. 
 Lucullus, when his soldiers were very eager to 
 capture a fort believed to contain much treasure, 
 pointed out to them a distant fastness on Mount 
 Taurus. " That," said he, "must first be de- 
 stroyed. We will hold this in reserve for con- 
 querors." 
 
 Plutarch, Life of Lucullus, ch. 24. 
 
 189. 
 Someone told Diogenes that most people laughed 
 
 E
 
 50 GREEK WIT. 
 
 at him. "And veiy likely," he said, "the asses 
 bray at them ; but as they don't care for the asses, 
 so neither do I care for them. " 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 58. 
 
 190. 
 
 Diogenes observed a boy, known to be the son 
 of a courtesan, throwing a stone into a crowd; he 
 called out to him, " Mind you don't hityour father, 
 boy .' " ^l^''^- 62. 
 
 191. 
 
 The same, being requested to return a mantle, 
 sent back this answer : " If it was intended as a 
 present, I have it still ; if it was a loan, I have 
 not yet done with it." Ibid. 
 
 192. 
 
 When some one brought Diogenes a pupil, say- 
 ing he was a veiy clever lad, and of a most excel- 
 lent and amiable disposition, he asked, "Then 
 what on earth does he want )?ie for? " Ibid. 64. 
 
 193- 
 
 Diogenes once went into a theatre just as all 
 were coming out of it. Being asked why he did
 
 GREEK WIT. 51 
 
 SO, he said, " I have been opposing people all my 
 life." DiOG. Laert. ibid. 64. 
 
 194. 
 The same, watching a very unskilful archer prac- 
 tising at a mark, went and sat down close to it, 
 that I may not get hit, he said. Ibid. 67. 
 
 195. 
 Crates, the Theban philosopher, was asked by 
 Alexander whether he wished his country to be 
 restored to its former greatness. " What's the 
 use ? " he said; " probably another Alexander will 
 overthrow it again." Ibid. vi. 5, 93. 
 
 196. 
 Diogenes was shown a contrivance for telling the 
 time of day. "A veiy useful invention," he re- 
 marked, "for preventing one being late at dinner." 
 
 Ibid. vi. 9, 104. 
 197. 
 Zeno of Citium, the Stoic philosopher, was a 
 pupil of Crates. Now the Cynics prided them- 
 selves on having no false shame, and as Zeno 
 seemed deficient in this virtue. Crates bade him 
 carry a pot of porridge through the Cerameicus.
 
 52 GREEK IVIT. 
 
 Seeing him try to conceal it, he gave the pot a sly 
 knock with his staff and broke it, so that the por- 
 ridge ran down over his legs. "Don't run away, 
 little Red-legs," said Crates, "no great harm has 
 happened to you." DiOG. Laert. vii. i, 3. 
 
 198. 
 Zeno had observed that a certain glutton used to 
 eat up all the fish at table and leave none for his 
 messmates. On one occasion, when a large fish 
 was served, Zeno took it up and devoured the whole 
 of it. At this the man stared, but Zeno quietly 
 said to him, "How do you suppose your mess- 
 mates feel every day, \iyoii cannot put up with my 
 taking a liking for fish for a single day ? " 
 
 , Ibid. 19. 
 
 199. 
 The same, when a young man was asking some 
 question that seemed to imply inquisitiveness ill 
 suited to his age, conducted him to a mirror, and 
 bade him look at himself. "Do you think," he 
 asked, " your inquiries are suited to such a face as 
 that?" Ibid. 19. 
 
 2CX3. 
 Lysander, after the final defeat of the Athenians,
 
 GREEK WIT. 53 
 
 despatched a quantity of coin and treasure to Sparta 
 by sea, under the care of Gyhppus, who had been 
 the Spartan commander at Syracuse. He, not 
 aware that each sealed box contained under the lid 
 a written statement of the contents, loosened the 
 bottom of each and took out a quantity of silver 
 money bearing the device of an owl. The stolen 
 money he concealed under the roof of his house, but 
 he took the boxes to the Ephors, and showed them 
 the unbroken seals. Finding the accounts did not 
 tally, they were much perplexed, till they received 
 a useful hint from a servant of Gylippus : — " There 
 is a whole lot of owls roost mg under master's tiles" 
 Plutarch, Vit. Lysand, ch. i6. 
 
 201. 
 
 When Aristonous, an obsequious harper, had 
 told Lysander, by way of compliment, that " when 
 he gained his next victory in music at the Pythian 
 games, he should have himself proclaimed as a 
 member of Lysander's family," Lysander quietly 
 said, "As my flunkey, you mean." 
 
 Ibid. ch. 1 8. 
 
 202. 
 
 Cleon, the Athenian demagogue, once kept the
 
 54 GREEK WIT. 
 
 people in full assembly waiting for him a long time. 
 At last he appeared, dressed for dinner, and begged 
 them to adjourn the meeting till to-morrow. 
 "The fact is, gentlemen," said he, " I have just 
 been attending a sacrifice, and I am rather engaged, 
 as I have a dinner party to-day." The Athenians 
 good-naturedly laughed, and dismissed the meet- 
 ing. Plutarch, Life of Nicias, ch. vii. 
 
 203. 
 When Alexander made his expedition into India, 
 certain ambassadors came to him to tender their 
 submission. One of these, a prince called Acuphis, 
 asked what they should do to secure the friendship 
 of so great and generous a chief? " Let them ap- 
 point joz^ their governor, " he replied, "and send 
 to me a hundred of their best men." " Don't you 
 think, Sir," replied Acuphis, "it would make my 
 position as ruler somewhat easier if I were to send 
 you a hundred of our ivorst men ? " 
 
 Plut, Life of Alexander, ch. Iviii. 
 
 204. 
 Alexander on one occasion sent for ten of the
 
 GREEK WIT. 55 
 
 Indian " Gymnosophists, " and propounded to 
 each a difficult question, telling them he would put 
 to death first the first man who gave a wrong 
 answer, and then the rest in succession ; and he or- 
 dered the eldest of the ten to act as judge. But the 
 judge declared himself unable to decide ; on which 
 Alexander said, " Then^w shall die first, for giving 
 such a reply." " Not," replied the other, "unless 
 your majesty thinks fit to break your royal word." 
 Plut. Life of Alexander, ch. Ixiv. 
 
 205. 
 Among the questions propounded as above were 
 thefollowing :—" Are there more dead ormore living 
 men?" Answer : " More living ; for the dead are 
 not" " What is the most mischievous creature in 
 existence?" Answer: " That which is hitherto un- 
 known to man." " Which was created first, day 
 or night ? " Answer : " Day, by one day."" (When 
 Alexander said, " That is an obscure answer," he 
 replied, "And to an obscure question.") " Is life 
 or death the stronger?" Answer : " Life ; for it 
 bears so many evils." "How long ought a man 
 to live ? " " Till he begins to think dying is better 
 than livina." Ibid.
 
 56 GREEK WIT. 
 
 206. 
 A man was charged with the grave offence of 
 beating his own father. His excuse was, " It runs 
 in the family. He used to beat his father, and 
 that father did the same to his father. Look at 
 that boy of mine," said he ; " why, he will beat 
 me when he grows up to be a man." 
 
 Aristotle, Eth. Nic. vii. ch. 6. 
 
 207. 
 The same amiable youth, while violently dragging 
 his father at his front door, was told to stop there, 
 "/never pulled 7uy father beyond his door," he 
 said. Ibid. 
 
 208. 
 Popular resentment is often appeased when a 
 single one has been punished, even if he is really 
 less guilty. On this principle Philocrates, when 
 asked "Why he did not make his defence, as the 
 people were furious against him," replied, "Wait 
 till some one else is being tried." 
 
 Aristotle, Rhetoric, ii. ch. 3. 
 
 209. 
 The wife of King Hiero once asked Simonides
 
 GREEK WIT. 57 
 
 whether it was better to be born wealthy or wise ? 
 "Wealthy, it would seem," he replied, "for I 
 always see the wise hanging about the doors of the 
 rich." Aristotle, Rhetoric, ii. ch. i6. 
 
 2IO. 
 
 A fox, having got into a ditch, was attacked by 
 horse-leeches. " Shall I relieve you of them ? " 
 asked a good-natured hedgehog. " By no means, 
 my dear friend," replied the fox; "they can't 
 suck much more of my blood now ; but a new 
 batch of them might drain me dry." 
 
 Ibid. ch. 20. 
 
 211. 
 
 Dionysius, the Ruler of Syracuse, had sent to 
 Olympia and Delphi certain costly offerings of 
 "chryselephantine" (gold and ivory) workmanship. 
 Iphicrates, the Athenian general, fell in with the 
 ships which were conveying them and took posses- 
 sion of the property, sending at the same time a 
 despatch to Athens to ask what was to be done 
 with it. The reply was, ' ' Pay your soldiers, and 
 don't inquire too closely about the claim of the 
 gods. " So the goods were sold as spoils lawfully
 
 S8 GREEK WIT. 
 
 taken from the enemy. Dionysius was very angry 
 with the Athenians, and sent them this letter : — 
 " Dionysius to the council and popular assembly of 
 Athens. It would be unreasonable in me to add, 
 health and happiness, for you are sacrilegious 
 pirates and plunderers, you have taken and de- 
 stroyed offerings sent by us to be solemnly dedi- 
 cated to the gods, and you have been guilty of im- 
 piety to the two greatest of them all— Apollo at 
 Delphi, and Zeus at Olympia." 
 
 DiODOR. Sic. xvi. eh. 57. 
 
 212. 
 
 After the defeat of the Athenians at Chaeronea, 
 Philip, who had been celebrating his victory at a 
 banquet, went with his friends, somewhat excited 
 by wine, through the ranks of the captives, taunt- 
 ing them with having lost their usual luck. De- 
 mades the orator happened to be one of the pri- 
 soners of war, and he made bold to address to the 
 king words well adapted to check this display of 
 bad taste :— " Sir, Fortune has given you to play 
 the part of Agamemnon, and you ought to be 
 ashamed of acting like Thersites." 
 
 Ibid. eh. 87.
 
 GREEK WIT. 59 
 
 213. 
 
 A pedantic man called to his servant to bring to 
 the bath " that unused cloak," nieaning that iiew 
 one. While there, it was stolen from him, and his 
 friends had the laugh against him for taking the 
 trouble of finding an article which he had himself 
 described as " of no use." Athen. iii. p. 97- 
 
 214. 
 
 Anacharsis being asked what the Greeks did 
 with their money, replied, " They count it." 
 
 Ibid. iv. p. 159. 
 215. 
 A wealthy young man came firom Ionia to reside 
 at Athens, where he made a great display of his 
 fine clothes. When asked the name of his native 
 place, he answered " Richborough. " Ibid. 
 
 216. 
 
 Thales of Miletus was taunted by his friends for 
 pursuing philosophy and remaining in poverty. 
 Having observed, during the winter, signs of a good 
 crop of olives, he gave security for the hire, for no 
 great sum, of all the oil-works in Chios and Mile- 
 tus for the coming year. As the season advanced
 
 6o GREEK WIT. 
 
 and the crop proved a heavy one, he sublet the 
 properties and realized a large profit. " You see, 
 my friends," said he, "what philosophers can Aq 
 in the way of money-making, only they don't care 
 about it." Aristotle, Politics, i. ch. iv. 
 
 217. 
 A certain house at Agrigentum was called " The 
 Ship," from the following cause. A party of young 
 men were one day drinking there, and became so 
 "fuddled" that they fancied they were in a storm 
 at sea ! So they began to toss the chairs and sofas 
 out of window to lighten the vessel, imagining that 
 they were carrying out the orders of the pilot. Of 
 course the people without ran off with the goods, 
 and the affair became known to the authorities, 
 who went to the house next morning. When asked 
 for an explanation, the young men, not yet fully 
 sober, replied, "They had been forced by the vio- 
 lence of the storm to throw overboard all superfluous 
 goods." One of them, who seemed to be spokes- 
 man for the rest as the senior, added, " And I, 
 men-Tritons ! was so frightened that I lay down at 
 the very bottom of the ship's hold ! " The officers, 
 seeing the state of the case, good-naturedly let
 
 GREEK WIT. 6i 
 
 them off with a warning "Not to drink so much 
 again. " ' ' Thank you, good sirs, " they repHed ; " if 
 ever we get safe to port from this dreadful storm, we 
 will set up statues to you in our own country as to 
 Saviours from the Sea." Athen^eus, ii. p. 37. 
 
 218. 
 
 A man in Sicily with a shrewd eye for business 
 invested a sum of money which had been deposited 
 with him in the purchase of iron, of which he se- 
 cured the monopoly in the city. When merchants 
 came to buy, he sold it at a moderate profit, and 
 yet found that he had trebled his capital. Diony- 
 sius, the ruler, hearing of his success, sent for the 
 man and said to him, " You may take your money, 
 but you must leave the city. You have found out 
 a way of trading which will prove very injurious to 
 my revenues." Aristotle, Polit. i. ch. v. 
 
 219. 
 
 Pittacus of Priene enacted a law, that a heavier 
 fine should be inflicted on a drunkard for an assault 
 than on one who was sober. Thus he was so far 
 from making any allowance for the act of a drunken 
 man, that he wisely had in regard the much greater
 
 62 GREEK IVIT. 
 
 frequency of drunken brawls, and the necessity of 
 preventing them. 
 
 Aristotle, Polit. ii. ch. ix. 
 
 220. 
 After the battle of Issus, Alexander went, ac- 
 companied by his friend Hephsestion, to pay Sisy- 
 gambris, the queen of Darius, and the ladies of her 
 court, a visit of ceremony, and to promise them his 
 gi-acious consideration and protection. Seeing 
 them both dressed ni the same way, but Hepha^s- 
 tion the taller and handsomer of the two, the queen 
 addressed him as "your majesty." Being told of 
 her mistake, and being somewhat confused by it, 
 she made a low curtsey a second time. "Never 
 mind, my dear lady," said Alexander; "we are 
 both your majesty alike. " 
 
 DiODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 37. 
 
 221. 
 
 When Alexander paid a visit to the temple of 
 
 Jupiter Ammon, he was addressed by the aged 
 
 priest, " Hail, my Son, and accept these words as the 
 
 welcome of the god himself." ' ' His son then I will
 
 GREEK WIT. 
 
 henceforth be, " replied Alexander. ' ' Tell me now, 
 am I to be the lord of all the world? " The reply of 
 the priest, after consvdting the oracle, being favour- 
 able, Alexander said, "One more question answer 
 me now. Have I sufficiently avenged the murderers 
 of my father, or have any escaped me ? " " Hush I " 
 leplied the obsequious priest. " Xo mortal man 
 could execute any plot against your Father 1 Phi- 
 lip's murderers, however, have all met with their 
 deserts." DiODOR. Sic. xvlL ch. 51. 
 
 Alexander, after the capture of the royal palace 
 and treasures of the Persian king at Susa, took his 
 seat on the royal throne. One of his attendants, 
 observing that his feet did not reach the footstool, 
 brought a small table that had been used by Darius, 
 and placed it under him as a support. "Thank 
 you," said Alexander, " that will do very well." 
 Seeing one of the eunuchs who stood by the throne 
 burst into tears, he inquired, ' ' WTiat is the matter 
 now? " " Oh, Sir," said he, "■thattabhl mymas- 
 ter's pet table ! To think it should have ever come to 
 such a use as this, for you to set your dirty feet 
 upon it ! " Ibi^- ch. 66.
 
 64 GREEK WIT. 
 
 223. 
 
 Cypselus of Corinth made a vow to Zeus, that if 
 he ever became master of the city, he would dedi- 
 cate to him all the Corinthians possessed. When 
 that event had taken place, he ordered all the citi- 
 zens to make a return of their incomes. From 
 each of them he took a tenth part, and ordered 
 them to trade with the rest. This was regularly 
 repeated for ten years, at the end of which he had 
 fulfilled his vow, and the citizens had got rich 
 again. Ano7iymi CEconotnica, § 2. 
 
 224. 
 
 Mausolus, tyrant of Caria, had some ingenious 
 methods of raising revenue. On one occasion, 
 when tribute was demanded from him by the Per- 
 sian king, he told his people that he had no money. 
 Whereupon certain persons, instructed for the pur- 
 pose, rose and made liberal but sham offers. At this 
 the wealthy citizens, whether from shame or from 
 fear, promised much larger sums, and paid them too. 
 
 On another occasion he told the people of Mylasa 
 that their city, being the metropolis, ought to have 
 a wall to secure their possessions ; for the Great 
 King was coming to invade them ! So the money
 
 GREEK WIT. 65 
 
 needed was quickly contributed, and he took it, 
 but said to the people, "My friends, Providence is 
 not building you a wall just yet." 
 
 Anonymi (Economic a, § 14. 
 
 225. 
 Chserephon, the friend of Socrates, was buying 
 some meat, and objected to the cut offered him as 
 too "bony." "Why, sir," said the butcher, "we 
 always consider the meat is sweetest next the 
 bone." "Perhaps so," said Chrerephon ; "but 
 bone weighs heavy in the scale." 
 
 Athen. vi. p. 244. 
 
 226. 
 
 Dionysius used to take a walk round the temples at 
 Syracuse, and if he saw a table of gold or silver at 
 any shrine, he would say to his attendants, "Thank 
 the god of luck, and carry that home. " If any 
 statues were represented as holding out a goblet, he 
 exclaimed, " Much obliged ! " and took it away. 
 The golden crowns and the spangled I'obes he re- 
 moved from all the images, saying, " I will myself 
 present you with lighter clothes and more fragrant 
 chaplets." Accordingly he dressed them in white 
 
 2 F
 
 66 GREEK WIT. 
 
 linen, and put wreaths of white violets on their 
 heads. Anonym. CEconom. § 42. 
 
 227. 
 India possesses many species of apes of different 
 sizes. These are captured by hunters who avail 
 themselves of their natural propensity to imitate, 
 for they are too strong as well as too cunning to be 
 caught in any other way. Accordingly, some 
 smear their eyes with honey, and put birdlime 
 within reach of the creatures, which prevents them 
 from opening their eyelids. Some clap mirrors on 
 their heads, and provide watchers with a loop and 
 a cord, so as to pull them back. Some again let the 
 apes see them putting on shoes, and leave in their 
 way other shoes to which a string is tied, so 
 that the ape vainly tries to hobble away from tlie 
 spot. DiODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 89. 
 
 228. 
 Eumenes, in his contest with Antipater in Ar- 
 menia, was shut up in a small, rocky fortress. 
 Finding it difficult on rough and narrow ground to 
 exercise his horses, and aware of their importance 
 to him, he devised a new and ingenious plan. He
 
 GREEK WIT. 67 
 
 set up erect three poles, and fastened the horses' 
 heads by ropes tied to pegs or cross-bars in them at 
 such a height that they just failed to touch the 
 ground with their forelegs. In their violent efforts 
 and struggles to do this, all the limbs and the 
 whole bodies were so put to the stretch that the 
 sweat poured from them, and the animals had a 
 tirst-rate lesson in prancing and kicking ! 
 
 DiODOR. Sic. xviii. ch, 42. 
 
 229. 
 
 One Kineas, a Thessalian, had great influence 
 with Pyrrhus. Seeing the king resolved on an ex- 
 pedition against Italy, he introduced the following 
 conversation. "A great people, sire, those Ro- 
 mans, and rulers of many warlike nations ! Sup- 
 pose, by favour of heaven, we should conquer 
 them ; what use shall we make of our victory ? " 
 "That, Kineas," replied the king, "is plain 
 enough. If Rome falls, all Italy is in our hands." 
 "And if we get Italy," asked Kineas, "what 
 then ? " " Sicily," replied the king, " will be easily 
 taken next." "And then?" " Libya and Car- 
 thage will be unable to withstand us." " Of course, " 
 said Kineas ; "and then we shall get back Mace-
 
 68 GREEK WIT. 
 
 donia and Hellas ! And then V " Then," said 
 the king, " we will stay at home and enjoy our- 
 selves over the bowl!" "And cannot we do that 
 now" rejoined Kineas, ** without wading through 
 such a sea of blood ? " 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Pyrrh. ch. 14. 
 
 230. 
 A soldier in the service of Antigonus was noted 
 for his reckless bravery. Observing on one occa- 
 sion that he seemed ill, the king charged his phy- 
 sicians to look after him and cure him, if possible, 
 in case his services should again be required. 
 When however he was restored to health, Anti- 
 gonus was surprised to find him much more cautious 
 in action, and reproached him for it. " Sir," said 
 he, "you are the cause of the change, by getting 
 me cured of a malady which made me reckless of 
 life." Thus it is one thing to care much for valour, 
 and another thing to care little about living. 
 
 Ibid. Vit. Pelopid. ch. I. 
 
 231. 
 When the people of Tarentum were engaged in 
 a war against the Romans, a large party of them
 
 GREEK WIT. 69 
 
 proposed to invite the aid of Pyrrhus, as one of the 
 greatest generals of the day. This measure was 
 opposed by the older and more sensible citizens, 
 but the war party refused them even a hearing in 
 the popular assembly. At length one of them, 
 called Melon, hit upon an expedient well suited 
 to the low tastes of a democracy. Dressing himself 
 up as a drunken reveller, and attended by a girl 
 with a flute, he staggered into the assembly the 
 day before the final vote. "Hoorah !" shouted 
 the mob ; ' ' give us a tune and a dance ! Hoorah ! '' 
 Thus obtaining a hearing, as if he were just going 
 to perform, he addressed them thus: "Citizens 
 of Tarentum ! You do well in thus allowing this 
 sort of revelry while you can. And if you take my 
 advice, you will make the most of your present 
 liberty, for if Pyrrhus comes here, you will most 
 certainly lose it ! " 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Pyn-h. ch. 13. 
 
 232. 
 
 It was a remark of Aristotle's, that some rich 
 persons make no use of their wealth through their 
 habit of counting their small gains, while others 
 make a bad use of it through their habit of indul-
 
 7° GREEK WIT. 
 
 gence ; and if the latter are slaves to pleasure, the 
 former are not less slaves to business. 
 
 Plutarch, lit. Felopid. ch. 3. 
 
 JO- 
 
 Pelopidas, who had married well, and had chil- 
 dren, was reproached by his friends for being careless 
 about money, which, said they, is a necessary thing. 
 ''Necessary, no doubt," replied he, "toNicodemus 
 here," pointing to a man who was both lame and 
 lilind. ibui 
 
 234. 
 A Laconian, on congratulating Diagoras, who 
 had not only gained an Olympian victory himself, 
 Init had lived to see his sons obtain the same 
 honour, and sons and daughters born from them to 
 lierpetuate the race, said to him, '■ Die, Diagoras ! 
 The next highest step, up to heaven, you cannot 
 climb." Ibid. ch. 34. 
 
 235- 
 
 Philopa;men, the Achaean general, was apt to be 
 
 careless about his personal appearance. One day, 
 
 a lady of Megara was told that the general was 
 
 coming to dinner. Her husband being absent at the
 
 GREEK WIT. 11 
 
 time, she felt some difficulty in making the neces- 
 sary preparations. Meanwhile a stranger arrived 
 in rather a shabby military cloak. She, thinking 
 it was one of the general's servants who had pre- 
 ceded him, said to him, " Lend a hand here, will 
 you ? " So the man flung off his cloak, and began 
 at once to split wood. On the husband arriving, 
 he exclaimed, " Philopamen ! What means this?" 
 "My dear fellow," said the general, "I am only 
 paying the just penalty of my own untidiness. " 
 Plutarch, Vit. Philop. ch. 2. 
 
 236. 
 The same, being advised to put himself under 
 training in the wrestling school, on the ground that 
 all such manly exercises must be useful in a sol- 
 dier's life, inquired what this training implied ? 
 "The living by the strictest rules of sleep, diet, 
 and bodily exertion," they replied. " Then," said 
 he, " that won't suit one who never knows when 
 he can sleep or what he may get to eat. No ! your 
 athletics won't do for me." And ever after he not 
 only discouraged, but prohibited all such special 
 training, as tending to make soldiers unserviceable 
 in the emergencies of war. Ibid. ch. 3.
 
 72 GREEK WIT. 
 
 237- 
 Cimon the son of Miltiades was once at a dinner 
 party, when the conversation turned on some of 
 his greatest achievements. He himself, he said, 
 thought the cleverest thing he had ever done was 
 this : — He was asked to award between the Athe- 
 nians and their allies certain Persian prisoners who 
 had been captured at Sestos and Byzantium. Ac- 
 cordingly he put all the captives in one share, and 
 all theirclothes and ornaments in another. " That," 
 said the allies, "is unfair." "Take which you 
 please," said he; "the Athenians will be con- 
 tented with the other share, whichever it is." So 
 they chose the gold ornaments and purple robes, 
 and Cimon was laughed at for the bad bargain his 
 countrymen had got in a lot of unclad captives 
 trained to no useful trade. Soon, however, the 
 wealthy friends of the captives poured in from 
 Phrygia and Lydia, offering immense sums for the 
 ransom of each captive ; so that besides four months' 
 pay for the fleet there was a round sum for the 
 treasury. "In fact," said Cimon, "I made an 
 uncommonly good thing of that bargain." 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Cim. ch, 9.
 
 GREEK WIT. 73 
 
 238. 
 
 A Persian nobleman, who had deserted from the 
 Great King, came to Athens, and taking refuge in 
 Cimon's house, brought thither two crocks, one 
 full of gold, the other of silver coins. "Do you 
 expect to buy me," asked Cimon with a smile, " or 
 to gain me as a friend?" "As a friend," said 
 the man. "Then," said Cimon, "take these 
 away with you ; for when we are friends, of course 
 you will let me have them if I should be in need." 
 Plutarch, Vit. Cim. ch. 10. 
 
 239- 
 When Athens had been taken by Lysander, the 
 Spartans offered the citizens terms of peace on con- 
 dition of pulling down their long walls and the forti- 
 fications of the harbour, and restoring the prisoners 
 of war. Theramenes voted that the terms should be 
 accepted, when a young orator rose and asked him 
 how he dared to oppose the policy of Themistocles, 
 in surrendering to the Spartans the very walls 
 which he built against their will ? " I do not op- 
 pose him," he replied; "he built the walls to
 
 74 GREEK IVIT. 
 
 save the citizens, and I propose to pull them down 
 for precisely the same reason. " 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Lysand. ch. 14. 
 
 240. 
 Lycurgus, the Spartan law-giver, drew upon 
 himself the anger of the rich by his stern opposition 
 to luxury, and on one occasion he was chased out 
 of the public square and compelled to seek shelter 
 in a temple. One of his pursuers, a hot-tempered 
 youth called Alcander, struck him in the face with 
 a stick as he turned round, and knocked out one of 
 his eyes. Nothing daunted, Lycurgus presented 
 himself to the citizens all bleeding from his wound. 
 They, indignant at the treatment he had received, 
 conducted Alcander to the house, and gave him up 
 to Lycurgus. He, however, neither reproached 
 him nor acted with immediate severity towards him, 
 but quietly dismissed his servants, and told Al- 
 cander he would have to do all the house-work ! 
 And he did it with a good spirit, and acknow- 
 ledged to his friends that Lycurgus was a very kind 
 master. Ibid. Vit. Lycitrg. ch. 1 1 . 
 
 241. 
 The "black broth " at the public dinners of the
 
 GREEK WIT. 75 
 
 Spartans was so much liked, that the elders were 
 contented with a good feed of it, and left the 
 rations of meat to the younger men. It is said 
 that one of the kings of Pontus purchased a cook 
 on purpose to make this broth, but on tasting it, 
 expressed his dislike of it. "Sire," said the 
 cook, "it requires a swim in the Eurotas before 
 you dine oft" this." 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Lvcw": ch. 12. 
 
 242. 
 An old Spartan was asked by a stranger, "How 
 do you deal with your fast young men ? " "We 
 have none," was the reply. " But supposing there 
 should he such? " " The fine such an one has to 
 pay is a bull, so tall that it reaches over the top 
 of Mount Taygetus to drink from the Eurotas ! " 
 " How can there be such a big bull ? " asked the 
 stranger. " And how can there be a fast young man 
 under the Spartan discipline?" rejoined the other. 
 
 Ibid. ch. 15. 
 
 243- 
 
 Lycurgus was once consulted by the Spartans as 
 to the expediency of fortifying the city. The reply
 
 76 GREEK WIT. 
 
 was sent in a brief letter: "If Spartans act like 
 bricks, no other material is wanted." 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Lycurg. ch. 19. 
 
 244. 
 Antisthenes, seeing the Thebans greatly elated by 
 their defeat of the Spartans at Leuctra, remarked, 
 "They remind me of schoolboys who have just 
 given their master a good thrashing." 
 
 Ibid. ch. 30. 
 245. 
 Anacharsis, the philosopher of Scythia, once paid 
 a visit to Solon at Athens. He introduced himself 
 as " a stranger who had come to establish a friend- 
 ship with him." " It is better to make friends at 
 home," replied Solon. " Well," said Anacharsis, 
 "you are at home. Do you then make friendship 
 with me. " Ibid, Vit. Solon, ch. 5. 
 
 246. 
 Solon went to Miletus on a visit to Thales. 
 Finding his host remaining unmarried, he ex- 
 pressed his surprise that he should feel no desire 
 to have a family. Thales made no reply at the 
 time, but after the interval of a few days he instruc-
 
 GREEK IV IT. 77 
 
 ted a man to pretend he had brought news to 
 Solon from Athens. " Well ! " said Solon, on re- 
 ceiving the stranger, " and what have you to tell ? " 
 " Nothing very particular," said the man, "except 
 that a fine youth lately died there, and all the city 
 attended his funeral. He was the son of a citizen 
 of great distinction, who was absent somewhere on 
 a visit." "Poor man!" exclaimed Solon. "And 
 what was his name ? " "I did hear it," replied the 
 man, "but really, I forget it. I know he was 
 called very wise and very just. " Solon began to feel 
 rather uncomfortable. " It wasn't the son of one 
 Solon, was it?" he asked. "Yes, that's the very 
 name ! " said the pretended messenger. At this 
 Solon broke out into expressions of the deepest 
 grief. But Thales, with a laugh, told him of the 
 trick, adding, "You understand now why /do not 
 wish to have a family." 
 
 Plutarch, Vit. Solon, ch. 6. 
 
 247. 
 
 Antisthenes hearing that one Ismenias was a 
 
 good harpist, remarked, " He must be a bad man, 
 
 or he would not be so good a player. " That the 
 
 class of men had no character for morality was
 
 78 GREEK WIT. 
 
 shown by the reproof of Philip to his son, who had 
 shown great skill on the harp at a banquet. ' ' You 
 ought to be ashamed of yourself for playing so 
 well," he said. Plutarch, Vit. Pericl. ch. i. 
 
 248. 
 When Pericles had embarked on his trireme on 
 a naval expedition against the coast of Laconia, a 
 solar eclipse occurred. The pilot was dreadfully 
 frightened, and seemed not to know what was best 
 to be done. So Pericles went up to him, and held 
 his cloak before his face. "Do you see anything 
 very terrible ? " he asked ; " or the forecast of any 
 terrible event?" " I do not," replied the man. 
 "Then," asked Pericles, "what is the difference 
 between this and the eclipse, except that the body 
 which makes the darkness in an eclipse is a little 
 larger than a cloak ?" 
 
 Ibid. Vit. rerid. ch. 35. 
 
 249. 
 
 Anytus, who was a friend and admirer of Alci- 
 
 biades, once asked him to dinner to meet a few 
 
 friends. Alcibiades declined the invitation, but 
 
 having got tipsy at home, he came to the house
 
 GREEK WIT. 71) 
 
 with some of his boon companions to see what was 
 going on. Observing that the tables were spread 
 with gold and silver goblets, he bade his servants 
 take half of them, and carry them to his house, 
 but still refused to enter himself. When the com- 
 pany present said to Anytus that they thought he 
 had been very hardly and rudely treated, he re- 
 plied, "On the contrary, very civilly; he might 
 have taken all, and he has politely left us half." 
 Plutarch, Vit. Alcih. ch. 4. 
 
 250. 
 When Eucleidas, a Spartan, was speaking some- 
 what freely about Artoxerxes, the king told the 
 captain of his company to say to him, "You can 
 speak as you like, but remember, a king can both 
 speak and act as he likes." 
 
 Ibid. Vit, Art ox. ch. 5. 
 
 251. 
 
 One Teribazus, who was rather light-headed, 
 was hunting with Artoxerxes, and by accident tore 
 his own dress, which he showed to the king. 
 " What am I to do for you?" said he. " Sir," 
 replied the Persian, "you can put on another dress
 
 8o GREEK WIT. 
 
 yourself and give me yours." To please him, the 
 king said, " Very well then, I make you a present 
 of this ; but mind, I do not give you leave to -wear 
 it." The man, however, put on the gold chains, 
 and some other portions of dress resembling those 
 worn by women. The nobles were indignant at 
 this violation of court etiquette ; but the king only 
 laughed and said, "You can wear the chains as a 
 woman and the long dress as a maniac ;" and so 
 he evaded the penalty of the law. 
 
 Plutarch, Vlt. Artox, ch. 5. 
 
 252. 
 Certain Indian sophists, taken prisoners by 
 Alexander on the very spot where they were stand- 
 ing in the open air, showed no other signs of emo- 
 tion at the sight either of the king or of his army, 
 than by stamping on the ground with their feet. 
 '• Why do they do that ? " asked the king. The 
 interpreters replied, " Each of us human beings 
 possesses the ground he stands upon, and no more. 
 You are a human being, like ourselves ; but you, 
 madman and sinner that you are ! have come all 
 this distance from your own station to give both 
 yourself and us trouble. And very soon you will
 
 GREEK WIT. Si 
 
 be dead, and then all your possessions will be 
 limited to the earth which holds your body." 
 
 ArrIAN, Exped. Alex. vii. ch. i. 
 
 253- 
 
 Simonides the poet was once asked why he 
 kept up his fondness for money to extreme old age ? 
 "Because," he replied, "I had rather leave my 
 property to my enemies than be without friends in 
 my lifetime." StoEvEUS, Flor. x. 62. 
 
 254- 
 Diogenes used to say, " Dogs in general bite 
 their enemies to worry them ; I bite my friends to 
 save them." Ibid. xiii. 27. 
 
 255- 
 Demonax was asked. When he first began to 
 study Philosophy ? "As soon as I began to con- 
 demn myself," he replied. Ibid. xxi. 8. 
 
 256. 
 
 The Boeotians were so fond of eels, that when 
 they had caught any very fine ones in the Copaic 
 Lake, they put chaplets on them, like victims, 
 sprinkled them with sacred meal, said over them a 
 
 2 G
 
 82 GREEK WIT. 
 
 dedicatory prayer, and offered them as a sacrifice 
 to their gods. On one occasion a stranger ven- 
 tured to say that he thought this rather an odd cus- 
 tom. A Bceotian who was present made this reply : 
 " Sir, my knowledge of the matter extends to this ; 
 we ought to say, that ancestral customs should be 
 observed, and that it does not concern any one to 
 make any apology for them." 
 
 Athen. vii. p. 297. 
 
 257- 
 Menecrates, a physician of Syracuse, used to call 
 himself " Zeus," and went about with a number 
 of patients whom he had cured, dressed up as Her- 
 cules, Hermes, or yEsculapius, while "Zeus" 
 himself wore a purple robe, with a golden crown 
 and a sceptre. King Philip, wishing to take the 
 conceit out of him, once asked him and his "gods " 
 to a grand banquet. Accordingly, they were placed 
 apart on a fine divan, with a table on which an 
 altar was placed, with various little " tit-bits " as 
 the offerings of mortals. "When the rest of the 
 guests were enjoying a good dinner, the servants 
 were instructed to treat the "gods "only to in- 
 cense and libations. At last, unable to endure the
 
 GREEK WIT. 83 
 
 ridicule any longer, ' ' Zeus " and his gods fairly ran 
 away from the banqueting hall. 
 
 Athen. vii. p. 289. 
 
 258. 
 One Hegesias asked Diogenes to lend him one 
 of his written works. " You are a foolish man," 
 he replied : " you don't take painted figs, but real 
 figs ; yet you take a mere copy of learning, and 
 not the learning which is the genuine fruit of your 
 own thought and experience." 
 
 DioG. Laert. vi. 2, 48. 
 
 259. 
 The same, when asked by Dionysius the tyrant, 
 what was the best bronze for making statues, re- 
 plied, "That of which the statues of Harmodius 
 and Aristogeiton are made." Ibid. 
 
 260. 
 The same, when some one inquired how Diony- 
 sius was treating his friends, gave this answer : 
 " Like meal-sacks ; he hangs up those who are full, 
 and he tosses away those who are empty. " 
 
 Ibid.
 
 84 GREEK WIT. 
 
 261. 
 The same, seeing a gluttonous man eating olives 
 at a stall, said to him, "If you had always made 
 this kind of breakfast, you would not have indulged 
 in that kind of dinners." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 48. 
 
 262. 
 When his friends said to Diogenes, ' ' You are 
 old ; do relax a little ; " he answered, " If I had 
 run the long course in a race, would you have 
 said, ' Do slack your pace a little at the end ? ' " 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 34. 
 263. 
 Leucon, the sovereign ruler of Pontus, discover- 
 ing that one of his courtiers was concerned in a 
 slanderous attack on a friend of his, said to him, 
 ' ' I would have put you to death, only a position 
 such as mine cannot do without scoundrels." 
 
 Athen. vi. p. 257. 
 
 264. 
 Aristotle used to say, " When things are not as 
 we wish, we should wish them to be as they are." 
 
 SxoBi^us, Flor. iii. 53.
 
 GREEK WIT. 83 
 
 265. 
 Periander was asked, " What is the greatest 
 thing in the smallest compass?" He replied, 
 " Good sense in a human body." 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. iii. 56. 
 
 266. 
 Pythagoras used to say, "All men declare that 
 sound sense is the greatest of blessings, but very 
 few take any trouble to acquire it." Ibid. 60. 
 
 267. 
 
 Socrates was reproved by his wife for not ac- 
 cepting the many presents sent by his friends. 
 " If," said he, " we accept everything so readily, 
 we shall have givers even when we don't ask. " 
 
 Ibid. 61. 
 
 268. 
 
 Phavorinus said men were for the most part 
 ridiculous, or detestable, or pitiable, but rarely en- 
 viable. A man who from self-conceit aims at 
 what is above him, is ridiculous ; if he attains it, 
 he is odious ; if he misses it, he is pitiable for the 
 failure of his pride." Ibid. iv. 91.
 
 86 GREEK WIT. 
 
 269. 
 Epictetus used to say that men at a dinner party 
 were content with what was served up to them, 
 and never thought of asking the host for some 
 other dish beside. But in the world men freely 
 ask the gods for what they do not offer us, albeit 
 their bounty is already very great. 
 
 Stob.eus, Flo7-. iv. 92. 
 
 270. 
 A proffered oath should be accepted on two 
 conditions only ; to clear yourself of some foul 
 charge, or to save your friends from some great 
 danger. But never swear by any of the gods, even 
 though honestly, in the cause of money ; for some 
 will charge you with perjuiy, others with avarice. 
 IsocRATES, ap. Stob. Flor. xxvii. 11. 
 
 271. 
 Plato once told Antisthenes, who was making a 
 tediously long discourse, that the true measure of 
 a speech is not the power of the speaker, but the 
 patience of the hearer. 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. xxxvii. 22.
 
 GREEK WIT. 87 
 
 272. 
 A young student in the Academy was talking a 
 good deal of nonsense about " Institutions," when 
 he was stopped by a hint from Zeno : "If you 
 don't moisten that tongue of yours with a little 
 sense, you will make still worse mistakes in your 
 discourses." Stob^US, Flor. xxxvii. 23. 
 
 273. 
 Isocrates, the orator, demanded a double fee 
 from a chatterbox called Careon, who had applied 
 to him for instruction in rhetoric. Being asked 
 the reason for so high a charge, Isocrates replied, 
 " One fee is for teaching you to talk, the other for 
 teaching you to hold your tongue." Ibid. 25. 
 
 274. 
 Aristides was asked what gave him the greatest 
 pain during his banishment from Athens? He re- 
 plied, "The discredit my country incurred for 
 having banished me. " Ibid, xxxviii. 28. 
 
 275- 
 The wife of Aristides, who was devoting his 
 whole time and attention to politics, once re-
 
 88 GREEK WIT. 
 
 marked to him, " I wish you had thought your 
 own private affairs were public — and the public 
 were private." Stob^eus, Flor. xxxviii. 30. 
 
 276. 
 Socrates used to say it was easier to keep a hot 
 coal on one's tongue than a secret. 
 
 Ibid. xHi. 5. 
 277. 
 It was a saying of Agathon's : " A ruler should 
 bear in mind three things : that he rules human 
 beings, that he must rule by law, and that he will 
 not always be a ruler." IlnJ. xlvi. 24. 
 
 278. 
 A young man was compelled by his father to 
 turn farmer against his will. Not liking the pro- 
 fession, he went and hanged himself, leaving this 
 written statement: "Farming is a most senseless 
 pursuit, a mere labouring in a circle. You sow 
 that you may reap, and then you reap that you 
 may sow ! Nothing ever comes of it." 
 
 Ibid. Iviii. 10. 
 279. 
 One Pollis, of Agrigentum, was entertained by a
 
 GREEK WIT. 8g 
 
 hard master of a household, who would not allow 
 his servants even rest at nights, but kept them to 
 some work or other. By way of reproof, he in- 
 vited his friend in return, and after dinner called 
 in a great number of his slaves' children, and good- 
 naturedly gave them nuts and figs. " You've 
 a lot of children in your house," remarked the 
 guest. " It is the night-work of my servants," re- 
 plied Pollis. Stob^eus, Flor. Ixii. 48. 
 
 280. 
 Some one said to Bion, "Beauty holds empire 
 overman." " I don't think much of an empire," 
 said he, "that can be dissolved by a hair." 
 
 Ibid. Ixvi. 5. 
 
 281. 
 Xenophon, at an entertainment given by the 
 tyrant Dionysius, was pressed by the cupbearer to 
 take another goblet. He appealed to his host : 
 " How is it," he asked, " that your chef, whom we 
 all acknowledge to be a first-rate artist, merely 
 places his dishes before us in silence, and does 
 not urge us to eat more when we don't wish?" 
 
 Athen. X. p. 427.
 
 go GREEK WIT. 
 
 282. 
 
 Anacharsis the philosopher was praising the 
 wines of Greece to the King of Scythia, and 
 showed him some cuttings of the vine. " If," he 
 said, " the Greeks had not pruned their vines 
 every year, by this time they would have been in 
 Scythia." Athen. x. p. 428. 
 
 283. 
 Socrates was asked what act of their lives people 
 most commonly repented of? "Marriage," he 
 replied. Stob^eus, A/or. Ixviii. 30. 
 
 284. 
 Some one remarked to Dorion, the flute-player, 
 that skate was a good fish. " Very much like 
 eating boiled cloak, " replied he. 
 
 Athen. viii. p. 337. 
 
 285. 
 Phalanthus was besieged in the Rhodian city of 
 lalysus by Iphiclus. Trusting to the security of 
 the place, and to an oracle which predicted it never 
 would be taken "till white crows are seen, ami 
 fishes have appeared in the wine-bowls," he held
 
 GREEK WIT. 91 
 
 out for a long time. At length Iphiclus got hold of 
 one of Phalanthus' people, who had come for 
 water. " When you pour that in the bowl," he 
 said, "mind you let these little fishes go in too " 
 (these he had caught at the spring). Then Iphi- 
 clus caught some crows and let them go, after 
 smearing them with whitewash. When Phalanthus 
 saw white crows, he rushed to the wine-bowl, and 
 lo ! it was full of little fishes ! " It's all up, I see," 
 he exclaimed, and negotiated with Iphiclus for an 
 honourable surrender of the city. 
 
 Athen. viii. p. 360. 
 
 286. 
 
 Antagoras was such a glutton that he refused to 
 go to the bath while a bird was being roasted, 
 "lest," he said, "the slaves should suck up the 
 gravy." "Your mother will look to it," said a 
 friend. "What!" replied he, "do you suppose 
 I would trust even my own mother with bird^s 
 gravy V Ibid. p. 340. 
 
 287. 
 A certain glutton, Theocritus of Chios, had 
 "eaten up" his estate. One day he burnt the
 
 92 GREEK WIT. 
 
 roof of his mouth' with a piece of hot fish. 
 "Now," said a friend, "you have only to drink 
 up the sea, and you will have made three of the 
 elements to vanish entirely." 
 
 Athen. viii. p. 344. 
 
 288. 
 
 Aristodemus, a noted gourmand, on hearing 
 that a great judge of fish had died from eating it 
 too hot, remarked, "Then Death was guilty of 
 sacrilege." Ibid. p. 345. 
 
 289. 
 
 A beam having fallen and killed a notoriously 
 bad man, Stratonicus the harper said it was a 
 just judgment, whether there "be more gods " than 
 the rogue thought, =* or "beam or gods " caused his 
 death. /bid. p. 350. 
 
 290, 
 
 The same, when one boasted that he had both 
 a teacher of the flute and a player on the flute in 
 his ovra family, remarked that he only wanted a 
 family audience. /bid. 
 
 ' The Greek also means that the sky had been burnt. 
 Ennius called the vault of heaven " cseli palatum," our 
 word " palate." 
 
 ' A pun between 5oxo; and ioxZ.
 
 GREEK iriT. 93 
 
 291. 
 
 Some time after the death of Socrates, Plato 
 was present at a party of his friends, who were in 
 deep dejection. "Cheer up," said Plato, "/'// 
 conduct the school myself. Apollodorus, your 
 good health ! " "I had rather," said Apollodorus, 
 sulkily, "have taken the cup of hemlock from 
 Socrates than the cup of wine from you." For 
 Plato was not popular from his naturally jealous 
 temper. Athen. xi. p. 507. 
 
 292. 
 The people of Sybaris were so luxurious and 
 affected that they disliked any kind of hard work. 
 One of them happened to say, that on going into a 
 field he had seen some workmen digging, and took 
 up a spade himself. " Dear me ! " said one of his 
 audience, "my back quite aches to hear you say 
 so !" Ibid. xii. p. 518. 
 
 293- 
 
 The same people had a great liking for pet dogs 
 and pet monkeys. To one of them who wished to 
 conclude a bargain for a supply of apes from 
 Mauritania, Massinissa the king said, " Do your 
 women, then, not bear children?" Ibid.
 
 94 GREEK WIT. 
 
 294. 
 The same people enacted a law that if any 
 cook or confectioner had invented some special 
 delicacy, he was entitled to the sole use of and 
 profit from it for a year. Athen. xii. p. 521. 
 
 295. 
 
 Timotheus, the son of Conon, was entertained 
 by Plato at a simple dinner in the Academy. Hav- 
 ing been used to costly banquets, and feeling the 
 better for his temperance on the following day, he 
 remarked, when he next met Plato, ' ' You philo- 
 sophers dine better for to-morrow than for to- 
 day." Ibid. X. p. 419. 
 296. 
 
 Pytho of Byzantium was a veiy fat man. He 
 once said to the citizens, in advising them to make 
 friends after a political dispute, "Gentlemen, you 
 see how stout I am ; well, I have a wife at home 
 who is far fatter than I ! Now, when we are good 
 friends we can sit together on any small sofa ; but 
 when we quarrel, I assure you the whole house 
 cannot contain us ! " Ibid. xii. p. 550. 
 
 297. 
 
 A parasite, very much reduced by a long illness,
 
 GREEK WIT. 95 
 
 met a lady of his acquaintance. " How thin you 
 are !" she exclaimed. " Thin ! " replied he ; " what 
 do you suppose, now, I have eaten for the last three 
 days?" " Either the oil-cmet, or perhaps a pair 
 of shoes," she replied. Athen. xiii. p. 584. 
 
 298. 
 
 A rich man, who had formerly been a slave, had 
 purchased a servant-girl for his household. One 
 day she caught him napping, and noticed the scars 
 left on him by the lash. " What mean these 
 marks?" she asked. " Some hot broth was spilt 
 over me when I was a boy." "I see," said she; 
 ''weal-broth.'''' Ih'd. p. $8$- 
 
 299. 
 
 A lover of the fair Thais once showed her a 
 quantity of plate which he had borrowed, but pre- 
 tended to be his own. "I intend," he said, " to 
 have all this melted down, and some new plate 
 made." "But," she replied, "you will oblite- 
 rate the owner's marks, you know." /l>id. 
 
 300. 
 A rich but stingy lover said to the object of his 
 admiration, ' ' You are the Venus of Praxiteles. "
 
 96 GREEK WIT. 
 
 "And you," she rejoined, "are the Cupid of 
 Pheidias" (thrifty). Ibid. 
 
 301. 
 
 Diogenes remarked of people who pay great 
 
 attention to dreams, that "they care nothing about 
 
 the acts they do when wide awake, but care a great 
 
 deal about the fancies they have in their dreams." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. 2, 43. 
 
 302. 
 
 Diogenes and Plato were not very good friends. 
 One day, seeing Plato taking some olives at a 
 grand banquet at Syracuse, Diogenes remarked: 
 " Why does our philosopher come all this way to 
 get good dinners, and then refuse to enjoy tliem?" 
 Says Plato, " I used to take olives mostly at 
 Athens, Diogenes." " Then why did you sail to 
 Syracuse?" asked Diogenes; "was there no crop 
 of olives in Attica at the time ? " 
 
 Ibid. vi. 2, 25. 
 
 303. 
 
 Diogenes used to say that he had an immense 
 respect for the honesty of slaves who waited at 
 dinner. They saw their masters gorging and cram-
 
 GREEK WIT, 97 
 
 ming, and yet abstained from making a snatch at the 
 eatables. DiOG. Laert. vi. 28. 
 
 304- 
 The same once called out in public, " Hi ! men 
 here !" When a crowd collected, he suddenly fell 
 on them with his stick. "I called for w^m," he 
 said, "not for such a set of scamps as you." 
 
 Ibid. 32. 
 
 305- 
 The same, being once asked to dinner, declined, 
 saying, " He was not aware that he was under any 
 obligation to the gentleman. " Ibid. 34. 
 
 - 306, 
 Diogenes, when some one at Samothrace was 
 expressing surprise at the number of offerings 
 made to the local gods in thanksgiving for safe 
 voyages, observed: "There would have been a 
 good many more if all who have been drowned 
 had also made offerings." Ibid. 2, 59. 
 
 307. 
 The same once asked alms of a sour-tempered 
 
 man, who said, " Try to convince me that I ought 
 
 2 H
 
 98 GREEK WIT. 
 
 to give." "Had I thought you amenable to 
 reason," said Diogenes, "I should have recom- 
 mended you to go and hang yourself. " 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi, 2, 59. 
 
 308. 
 The same used to compare gluttons and spend- 
 thrifts to figs growing on an inaccessible rock. 
 "Man gets no good from them ; only the birds of 
 prey." Ibid. 60. 
 
 309- 
 
 The same, vi^hen Alexander once said to him, " I 
 am Alexander, the great king," replied: "And I 
 am Diogenes, the Cynic." Ibid. 
 
 310. 
 
 Diogenes, when one asked him how he got the 
 name of Cynic (Dog), replied: " By making friends 
 with those who give, barking at those who don't, 
 and biting rogues and scamps." Ibid. 
 
 311- 
 
 The same was picking ripe figs from a tree. 
 Some one said, "Do you know a man hanged
 
 GREEK IV IT. 99 
 
 himself from this imhicky tree only yesterday ? " 
 " I'll soon clear it of the charge," he replied. 
 
 DiOG, Laert. vi. 6i. 
 
 312. 
 The same, observing an ignorant wrestler pre- 
 tending to give medical advice, said to him, ' ' I 
 suppose you want to lay on his back one of those 
 who formerly floored j/?«." Ibid. 62. 
 
 313- 
 
 The same, hearing certain persons praised for 
 giving him alms, asked, "And have you not a 
 word of praise for the object of their charity ? " 
 
 Ibid. 
 
 314- 
 The same, being blamed for looking into some 
 dirty places, answered : " So does the sun; but I 
 never heard that he dirtied himself by it. " 
 
 Ibid. 63. 
 
 315. 
 Diogenes was once dining in a building attached 
 to a temple. Observing some black-looking bread 
 on the table, he flung it all away, saying: " Let 
 nothing unclean enter here." Ibid. 64.
 
 loo GREEK WIT. 
 
 316. 
 
 The same, when some one had hit him with a 
 pole, and then called out, "Take care! " hit him 
 in return a smart rap with his stick, saying, "Take 
 care ! " DiOG. Laert. vi. 66. 
 
 317. 
 The same once asked Plato, "Are you writing 
 the 'Laws?' "I am," he replied. "And did 
 you write the 'Republic?'" "Yes." "Well, 
 has not every republic laws of its own ? What was 
 the use of your writing laws over again ? " 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. xiii. 37. 
 
 318. 
 
 The Maxims of the " Seven Wise Men.'" 
 
 Go with God. Obey law. Worship the gods. 
 Respect parents. Bear defeat when you deserve it. 
 Decide with knowledge. Hear and understand. 
 Know thyself. Marry only when it is fitting. Be 
 not too proud for a mortal. Know that thou art 
 
 ' Most of these sayings are in two luords of from two to 
 three syllables each. Such brevity is often impossible in 
 an English translation. In a few instances it is a cause of 
 obscurity in the Greek.
 
 GREEK WIT. loi 
 
 a stranger. Honour the hearth. ' Govern thyself. 
 Aid thy friends. Restrain wrath. Make good 
 sense the lesson of life. Prize forethought . Swear 
 not at all. Hold friendship in regard. Cling to 
 learning. Aim at getting a good name. Aspire 
 to be wise. Speak well of what is good. Dis- 
 parage no one. Praise virtue. Be just in your 
 dealings. Have a good opinion of friends. Repel * 
 enemies. Act always as a gentleman. Ab- 
 stain from vice. Be not exclusive. Keep 
 what is your own ; abstain from what belongs 
 to others. Use good words. Hear everything. 
 Oblige a friend. Do nothing in excess. Econo- 
 mize time. Have an eye to the future. Dislike 
 outrage. Show mercy to suppliants. Suit your- 
 self to all. Educate your sons. Give when you 
 have got. Fear craft. Speak well of all. JIake 
 yourself a philosopher. Judge in things lawful.^ 
 Act with full knowledge. Abstain from slaughter. 
 Pray for what is possible. Make friends of the 
 wise. Make sure of a man's morals. Restore what 
 
 ' Hospitality, and the ceremonial rites paid at the hearth- 
 stone. 
 ' Or requite. 
 ' This would seem to mean, "Do not give a rash decision 
 
 in things sacred " (oVia xfTn).
 
 I02 GREEK WIT. 
 
 yoa have taken. Suspect no one. Avail your- 
 self of skill. Give at once what you intend. 
 Value good services. Grudge no man. Never 
 sleep on watch. Praise hope. Hate slander. 
 Make gains justly. Honour the good. Be sure 
 about your judge. Keep authority over mar- 
 riages. Believe in luck. Avoid bail. Converse 
 with all. Make friends of equals. Lead not 
 others into expenses. Take pleasure in acquir- 
 ing. Have respect for modesty. Repay in full 
 a favour. Pray for prosperity. Be content 
 with your fortune. Use eyes as well as ears. 
 Lose not labour on what cannot be gotten. De- 
 test strife. Dislike taunts. Hold your tongue. 
 Repel insolence. Decide justly. Make use of 
 wealth. Take no bribe for a legal inquiry. Blame 
 no one behind his back. Speak with knowledge. 
 Insist not on strong measures. Live in peace. Be 
 gentle in intercourse. Do not shirk your obliga- 
 tions. Be courteous to all. Curse not your sons. 
 Control your tongue. Study your own good. 
 Teach yourself to be affable. Give a reply when 
 it is wanted. Labour with right on your side. So 
 act as not to regret. When you do wrong be sorry 
 for it. Keep guard over your eye. Be not hasty 
 in counsel. Do not stop till you have made an end.
 
 GREEK WIT. 103 
 
 Preserve friendship. Be good natured. Try never 
 to disagree. Tell no one a secret. Fear that which 
 has power over you. Pursue what is suited to you. 
 Await the right time. Settle enmities. Look for 
 old age. Boast not of strength. Accustom your- 
 self to good words. Avoid making an enemy. 
 Get rich by honesty. Do not fall short of your 
 reputation. Hate vice. Never be tired of learn- 
 ing. Be prudent in your ventures. Never give up 
 thrift. Hold oracles in respect. Be fond of your 
 household. Fight not against the absent. Re- 
 spect an elder. Teach the younger. Mistrust 
 wealth. Have self-respect. Never commence an 
 outrage. Be a crown of honour to your ancestors. 
 Die for your country. Fight not with life. Laugh 
 not over a corpse. Condole with the unfortunate. 
 Do favours that bring no harm. Be not pained at 
 every annoyance. Let your offspring be from the 
 well-born. Make professions to no one. Wrong 
 not the dead. Think not, because you prosper, 
 that you are a god. Trust not to fortune. As a 
 boy be well-behaved, as a young man have self- 
 control, in middle age be honest, in old age be 
 reasonable. Be resigned to die. 
 
 Stob^bus, Flor. iii. So.
 
 I04 GREEK WIT. 
 
 319- 
 Theophrastus said to one who had kept silent at 
 a social party, ' ' If you are uneducated you are 
 wise, if educated foolish." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. v. 2, 40. 
 
 320. 
 Phylarchus says, that the Greeks, in sacrificing 
 to the sun, do not use wine, but only honey, in the 
 libations. It would never do, they say, for a god 
 to get tipsy who has to govern, to visit, and to 
 keep going the whole universe ! 
 
 Athen. XV. p. 693. 
 
 321. 
 
 Diogenes, seeing the house of a spendthrift ad- 
 vertised for sale, said to it, "I knew that, after 
 such a debauch, you would not long retain your 
 owner on your stomach." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vi. ii. 47. 
 
 322. 
 Aristippus, who was fond of good cheer, once 
 told his attendants to give two pounds for a par- 
 tridge. When some one blamed him for his ex-
 
 GREEK WIT. io5 
 
 travagance, he asked, " Would not j'w have given 
 two pence for it ? " " Perhaps I might," was the 
 reply. " Well," said Aristippus, " two pounds to 
 me are what two pence are to you." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 8, 66. 
 
 323- 
 The same, when some one asked him to solve a 
 riddle, replied, " Wliy do you want to untie that 
 which gives us trouble enough when tied up ? " 
 
 Ibid. 70. 
 
 324- 
 
 Aristippus was asked, why he borrowed money 
 of his friends. "Not for my own benefit," he re- 
 plied, " but to teach them the proper use of 
 wealth." Ibid. 72. 
 
 325- 
 The same was once sailing in a boat with a large 
 sum of money. Discovering that the crew were in 
 reality pirates, he took out his money, counted it 
 before them, and pretended to drop it accidentally 
 into the sea. "Oh dear! oh dear!" he ex- 
 claimed, "there's all my money gone. Oh!" 
 "Why did you do that?" asked a friend after- 
 wards. "Why," said he, " ^nMy it was better
 
 io6 GREEK IVIT. 
 
 that the money should be lost through Aristippus, 
 than that Aristippus should be lost through the 
 money." DiOG. Laert. ii. 4, 77. 
 
 326. 
 
 A young man was introduced to Aristippus, to 
 become his pupil. "I shall expect ten pounds," 
 said the philosopher. "Ten pounds," said the 
 father; "why, I could buy a slave for that!" 
 "Then buy one," said Aristippus, "and you will 
 have two slaves in your household." 
 
 Ibid. ii. 8, 72. 
 
 327. 
 When Croesus became King of Lydia, he ap- 
 pointed his brother as regent equally with himself. 
 Hearing of this, one of the Lydians came to him 
 and said : " Sir, we know that the sun is the source 
 of all that is good and beautiful on earth, and that 
 there would be nothing unless he shone upon it. 
 But if some day we have two suns, everything will 
 be burnt up and destroyed. So also the Lydians 
 accept one King, and regard him as their protector, 
 but they won't stand two. " 
 
 Stob^US, F/or. xlvii. 20.
 
 GREEK IVIT. 107 
 
 328. 
 Solon was once present at a banquet, when a 
 nephew of his sang one of Sappho's odes. He 
 was so deHghted with it that he desired his nephew 
 to teach it to him also. " Why do you take such 
 an interest in it ? " asked the youth. " That as 
 soon as I have learnt it I may die," replied Solon. 
 Stob^us, Flor. xxviii. 58. 
 
 329- 
 
 Archimedes stuck so closely to the board on 
 which he drew his diagrams, that his attendants 
 had to use force to make him leave it for a time to 
 get washed and anointed. No sooner was the 
 latter operation performed, than he began to draw 
 squares and circles on his oiled skin ! 
 
 Ibid. 86. 
 330. 
 
 iEschylus was a spectator of a boxing-match at 
 the Isthmian games, together with his contem- 
 porary Ion of Chios. One of the combatants, on 
 receiving a terrible blow in the face, remained 
 silent, though there was a loud cry on the part of 
 all present. "See," said /Eschylus, "what prac- 
 tice will do." Ibid. 87.
 
 io8 GREEK WIT. 
 
 331- 
 
 Cephisodorus made the shrewd remark, that 
 when people got through their property by ex- 
 travagance, it was invariably inherited, and not 
 gained by their own exertions. 
 
 Stob.i:us, Flor. xxviii. 78. 
 
 332. 
 
 Anaxarchus said that if any one imprecated on 
 another the loss of his hands or his feet, he would 
 be justly angry ; and yet rich people deliberately 
 made those limbs useless to themselves, and then 
 gloried in it. Ibid. xxx. 13, 
 
 333- 
 Cleanthes, who had not uttered a word at a 
 social meeting, was asked if conversation with 
 friends was not a pleasure ? "The more it is so," 
 he replied, " the more we ought to resign it to 
 those for whom we have a special regard." 
 
 Ibid, xxiii. 8, 
 
 334- 
 Theocritus was asked by a chatterbox, " Where 
 shall I see you to-morrow ? " " Where I shall not 
 j^p 1,^/," he replied. Ibid, xxxiv. 15.
 
 GREEK WIT. 109 
 
 335- 
 Some one said to Cleostratus, " Are you not 
 ashamed of being drunk ? " " Are not you 
 ashamed," he replied, " of being seen talking to 
 a drunken man?" Stob^us, Flor. xxxiv. 17. 
 
 Lycurgus, the law-giver, used to say, that a 
 man's credit depended on his fortune, but his 
 credibility on his maimer. Ibid, xxxvii. 24. 
 
 337- 
 Socrates used to advise young men to look at 
 themselves often in the mirror. ' ' If you are hand- 
 some," he said, " make yourselves worthy of your 
 looks ; if you have the misfortune to be ugly, use 
 high accomplishments for a veil." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 16, 33. 
 
 338. 
 
 Socrates once asked some rich people to dine 
 
 with him, to the great consternation of his wife 
 
 Xanthippe. "Never mind, my dear," said he; 
 
 " if they are reasonable people, they will fall in
 
 no GREEK WIT. 
 
 with our ways ; if they prove a bad lot, why, we 
 shall not trouble ourselves about them." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. ii. 34. 
 
 339. 
 
 The same, in estimating in the aggregate a num- 
 ber of things of trifling value, said, "One would 
 hardly object to a bad shilling, and then accept a 
 number of the same coins in discharge of a debt." 
 
 Ibid. 
 340. 
 Socrates, on being informed that he had been 
 condemned to death by the Athenians, replied, 
 " And so have they been by Nature." 
 
 Ibid. 35. 
 
 341. 
 The same, on finding that he had been made a 
 butt for the writers of comedy, said, " We should 
 submit ourselves to their criticisms, for if there is 
 really something wrong in us, we will correct it ; 
 if not, their criticisms need not concern us." 
 
 • Ibid. 36. 
 
 342. 
 Xanthippe, after roundly scolding him, ended 
 by throwing a pail of water over Socrates. '• I
 
 GREEK IVIT. lit 
 
 told you Xanthippe would bring rain after thun- 
 dering," he remarked. DiOG. Laert. ii. 36. 
 
 343- 
 Diogenes, observing that the city of Myndus 
 was small, but had large gates, exclaimed, "Ye 
 men of Myndus ! if you don't shut those gates, your 
 city will get out." Ibid. vi. 2, 57. 
 
 344- 
 Diogenes went up to a fat pleader called Anaxi- 
 menes, and said to him, " If you would give us 
 poor folk some of that paunch of yours, you would 
 be the lighter, and we should be all the better for 
 it." Ibid. 
 
 345- 
 The same, when some one had said to him, 
 "You pretend to be a philosopher, but know 
 nothing," rejoined, " Even pretending to be 
 learned, shows a fondness for it." Ibid. 64. 
 
 346. 
 The city of Mylasa in Caria stands under the 
 brow of a steep hill, in which are quarries of fine 
 white marble. The material was found useful for 
 constructing the public buildings, but the site was 
 dangerous from the chance of landslips. A go-
 
 ti2 GREEK WIT. 
 
 vernor of the district, observing this, remarked, 
 that if the founder of the city had no sense of fear, 
 he might at least have had some respect for his 
 own reputation. Strabo, lib. xiv. p. 659. 
 
 347- 
 Alabanda in Caria lies between two hills, which 
 give the town some resemblance to an ass between 
 two panniers. As the neighbourhood swarms with 
 scorpions, one Apollonius, a bon vivant of the 
 place, said of it, "Alabanda is nothing better than 
 two panniers full of scorpions. " Ibid. p. 660, 
 
 348. 
 One of the sayings of Chilo of Sparta was : 
 *' Prefer loss to dishonest gain ; the former vexes 
 you for a time, the latter will bring you lasting 
 remorse." Diog. Laert. i. 2, 70. 
 
 349- 
 Bias of Priene used to say, " The most unfor- 
 tunate of all men is he who cannot bear mis- 
 fortune." Ibid. i. 5, 86. 
 
 350- 
 The same, when asked what most men regarded 
 as the chief pleasure of life, replied, " Money- 
 making." ibid.
 
 GREEK IVIT. 115 
 
 351- 
 Socrates used to say, " A man can no more 
 make a safe use of wealth without reason, than he 
 can of a horse without a bridle." 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. iii. 90. 
 
 352- 
 The same observed that, "You might as well 
 expect a weak man to bear a burden as a fool to 
 bear prosperity." Ibid. iv. 64. 
 
 353- 
 Democritas said, "Men of no mind desire to 
 
 become old merely because they are afraid to die. " ■ 
 
 Ibid. 81. 
 
 354- 
 Diogenes was once strolling backwards, under a 
 portico, when he noticed some persons laughing at 
 him. "Are you not ashamed," he asked, "to 
 find fault with my back-stepping, when you your- 
 selves have been back-sliding all through life ? " 
 
 Il'id. 84. 
 
 355- 
 Zeno, the Stoic, had a way of quietly bantering 
 
 those whom he wished to ridicule. One day, when 
 
 a young fop showed some hesitation in crossing a 
 
 2 I
 
 114 GREEK WIT. 
 
 small watercourse, Zeno observed, " He doesn't 
 like mud. It won't reflect his pretty face as well 
 as clear water does." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vii. I, 17. 
 
 356. 
 The same, when a Cynic philosopher asked him 
 for a little oil in his cruet, replied, "Shan't! Now 
 go home and consider which of us two has the 
 greater impudence. " Ibid. 
 
 357- 
 The same, when his pupil Aristo was talking in 
 a random way, said to him, " I should say your 
 father was tipsy when he begot you." Ibid. 18. 
 
 358. 
 The same, when some one remarked that he dis- 
 liked most of the doctrines of Antisthenes, quoted 
 to him a pregnant sentence from Sophocles. " Do 
 you see anything good in that?" he asked. "I 
 don't know," said the other. " Then why do you 
 select only the bad sayings of Antisthenes ? May 
 there not be some good in him also which you 
 'don't know' of?" Ibid. 19.
 
 GREEK WIT. 115 
 
 359. 
 A wealthy and good-looking youth from Rhodes, 
 not remarkable for intelligence, pressed Zeno for 
 instruction, and seemed unwilling to leave him. 
 The philosopher, in the first place, made him sit 
 down on a dusty bench, that he might soil his 
 smart cloak, and afterwards brought him into close 
 contact with some ragged beggars. The young 
 man very soon left him. DiOG. Laert. vii. 22. 
 
 360. 
 
 Zeno was once present at a banquet of talkers, 
 
 and did not utter a word. When he was reproached 
 
 for this, he said, "Go and tell the host that one of 
 
 his guests, at least, knows how to hold his tongue." 
 
 Ibid. 24. 
 
 361. 
 
 Crates was once trying to drag Zeno by his cloak 
 from a lecture given by Stilpo. " A philosopher's 
 hold," said Zeno, "should be on the ear, not on 
 the gown. Persuade me, draw me by that, and I 
 will go with you. Otherwise, my body only will 
 be with you, but my heart will remain with Stilpo." 
 
 Ibid. I. 24.
 
 ii6 GREEK WIT. 
 
 362. 
 Plato was in a great rage with one of his slaves, 
 and said to him, "Thank the gods that your 
 master is in a passion, or depend upon it, he 
 would have punished you." 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. xx. 43. 
 
 363- 
 
 Socrates, being asked why he never wrote 
 books, replied, " Because I see that the paper is 
 worth much more than anything I could put upon 
 it." Ibid. xxi. 9. 
 
 364- 
 
 Socrates, being asked his definition of a Snob, 
 replied, " One who looks down upon others who 
 are really his equals." Ibid. xxii. '^. 
 
 365- 
 Hegemon of Thasos was nicknamed "Pulse," 
 On one occasion he came into the theatre to act in 
 a comedy, and surprised the audience by suddenly 
 pouring a lapful of pebbles from the stage into the 
 orchestra. "Pelt me, if you please," he ex- 
 claimed ; " but I maintain that Pulse is not a bad 
 entertainment either in summer or in winter." 
 
 Athen. ix. p. 406.
 
 GREEK WIT. ti7 
 
 366. 
 
 "Art without practice," Protagoras used to say, 
 " avails as little as practice without art." 
 
 Stob.^us, Flor, xxix. 80. 
 
 367- 
 
 Nicias was so fond of active work that he used 
 often to ask his servants, "Have I been to the 
 bath ? " " Have I had breakfast ? " Ibid. 85. 
 
 368. 
 
 Plutarch observes that envy is like smoke, — 
 there is a great deal of it in those who are begin- 
 ning, but it vanishes when they flare up, and be- 
 come illustrious. This, he adds, is the reason why 
 old men are seldom the objects of envy. 
 
 Ibid, xxxviii. 31. 
 
 369- 
 
 Socrates said, " Those who walk the path of 
 fame are as certain to be attended by envy as those 
 who walk in the sunshine by their own shadows. " 
 
 Ibid. 35. 
 
 370. 
 Pythagoras held that the downward career of
 
 u8 GREEK WIT. 
 
 cities was through the entrance of luxury first, of 
 possessing more than we want next, of outrage and 
 insolence in the third place, and of ruin in the 
 fourth and last. Stob^us, Flor. xliii. 79. 
 
 371- 
 
 Artaxerxes was requested by his chamberlain to 
 do something which he thought very unfair. Find- 
 ing on inquiry that the man had been bribed to 
 make the request, he ordered ^^30,000 to be 
 brought. " Take it," he said ; " I shall be none 
 the poorer for giving this, but I should be much 
 more unjust for doing that." 
 
 Plutarch, Reg. et Imp. Ap. Artax. 4. 
 
 372. 
 Ateas, King of the Scythians, having taken 
 prisoner a first-rate flute player called Ismenias, 
 asked him for a tune. The performance was highly 
 applauded by the court ; but Ateas merely said, 
 " I had rather hear my horse neigh." 
 
 /did. AUas. 
 
 373. 
 Dionysius the elder paid special honour to an
 
 GREEK WIT. 119 
 
 unprincipled man who was greatly disliked by the 
 citizens. When blamed for this, he replied, " It is 
 my wish to have some one who is more hated than 
 myself." Plutarch, Dionys. 11. 
 
 374. 
 The younger Dionysius was asked how it came 
 to pass that his father, a man of no fortune, and a 
 private citizen, attained to the sovereignty of Syra- 
 cuse, while he, the son and successor, had lost it ? 
 "The reason is this," he replied; "my father 
 assumed the government when the people were 
 tired of democracy ; but I succeeded him when they 
 were tired of sovereignty. " Ibid. Dion. Jun. 4 
 
 375. 
 Alexander, the putative son of Antiochus Epi- 
 phanes, was very partial to one Diogenes, an As- 
 syrian by birth, and a follower of the Stoics, but a 
 man of immoral life, and churlish and satirical 
 temper. This person preferred to his patron a re- 
 quest not very consistent in a philosopher — to be 
 allowed to wear a purple garment and a golden 
 crown with a design in the centre representing 
 Virtue. Alexander consented, and even made
 
 120 GREEK WIT. 
 
 him a present of the crown. But the man had a 
 secret attachment to a certain actress,' and made 
 her a present of his newly acquired finery. Hear- 
 ing of this, Alexander invited Diogenes to meet at 
 a banquet a large party of distinguished men and 
 philosophers. " And bring with you your crown 
 and your robes," added the King. On the man 
 alleging as an excuse, that it was ' ' not a fit occa- 
 sion for wearing them," the actress was suddenly 
 introduced to give a performance, and lo ! she ap- 
 peared with the crown of Virtue and the purple 
 robe ! A roar of laughter broke out from the guests, 
 but Diogenes was not disconcerted, and praised her 
 performance from beginning to end. 
 
 Athen. v. p. 211. 
 
 376. 
 The mother of Brasidas, having, been told of her 
 son's death in the battle at Amphipolis, asked the 
 messengers whether he died with honour, and in a 
 manner worthy of his country. On their assuring 
 her that "No Spartan could have been braver," 
 she remarked, " Well, strangers, he was a brave 
 
 ' The word (XocnujJo;) is used in the feminine, but it seems 
 to mean a man who acts a woman's part.
 
 GREEK WIT. 121 
 
 and good lad ; but, thank heaven ! Sparta has 
 many better." Plut. Lacaen. Apoph. 
 
 377- 
 A Spartan woman had five sons who had gone 
 out as soldiers. Expecting the issue of a battle, 
 she took a position in the suburb to hear the first 
 news. When the answer was given to her inquir)', 
 that all her sons were killed, she exclaimed, "Vile 
 slave ! I did not ask that, but how my country has 
 fared." " It is victorious," they replied. "Then," 
 said she, " I am content to hear even of the death 
 of my sons. " Ibid. 
 
 378. 
 Certain refugees came from Chios to prefer com- 
 plaints against Paedaretus. His mother Teleutia 
 sent for them, and finding from them that her son 
 was clearly in the wrong, she wrote to him with 
 Laconian brevity, " Either behave better, or stay 
 where you are and give up all idea of returning to 
 Sparta." Ibid. 
 
 379- 
 Nearchus, describing the cleverness of the 
 Indians in art, informs us how they succeeded in 
 making an artificial sponge, having seen a real one
 
 122 GREEK Jf^/r. 
 
 in Alexander's camp. They took hair, bits of fine 
 string, and some threads, and sewed them into a 
 ball of wool. Then they worked it into a compact 
 mass like felt, pulled it out again into holes, and 
 imitated the natural tints by colours. 
 
 Strabo, lib. XV. p. 717. 
 
 380. 
 There are three principal forms of government 
 in the world — absolute sovereignty, oligarchy, and 
 democracy. The conduct of the first two depends 
 on the disposition of the rulers ; that of the last, 
 on the laws that have been established. 
 
 yEscHiNES, Contra Timarch. p. 29. 
 
 381. 
 
 The Persians had a custom, on the death of their 
 
 king, to suspend for five days the action of the 
 
 laws. Thus the real value of law, and of a king to 
 
 administer it, was forcibly impressed on the people. 
 
 StoB/EUS, Flor. xliv. 41. 
 
 382. 
 Bias, when about to condemn a criminal to 
 death, burst into tears. " What ! " said one pre-
 
 GREEK WIT. 123 
 
 sent, " you, the judge, show this pity ! " "I can- 
 not help," he replied, "paying this tribute to 
 nature, while I give my vote for the law." 
 
 SxOBiEUS, Flor. xlvi. 67. 
 
 3S3. 
 Hiero, king of Syracuse, was taunted by some 
 one for having "foul breath." He blamed his 
 wife for not having told him of the defect. "I 
 supposed," she said, " it was a peculiarity of your 
 sex." Plut. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Hiero 3. 
 
 384. 
 
 When the same charge was brought against the 
 poet Euripides, he pleaded as the reason that 
 " many secrets had grown stale on his tongue." 
 Stob^us, Flor. 237, 58. 
 
 385- 
 Antigonus the elder communicated to his son 
 
 Demetrius his intention to put Mithridates to death, 
 
 but bound him by a solemn oath ' ' not to speak of 
 
 it." Demetrius took Mithridates a walk by the 
 
 seaside, and wrote on the sand with the end of his 
 
 spear, '^ Kun." Mithridates took the hint, and
 
 124 GREEK WIT. 
 
 escaped to Pontus, where he afterwards became 
 king. Plut. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Atitig. l8. 
 
 386. 
 Some one was praising, in the hearing of King 
 Agesilaus, an orator who was clever at making 
 much of a small matter. " I should never call 
 him a good cobbler," said he, "who makes a large 
 shoe for a small foot." 
 
 Plut. Apoph. Lac. Ages. 3. 
 
 387. 
 Charillus, the Spartan, being asked the reason 
 of the custom of unmarried girls being unveiled, 
 but married women being muffled, replied, "Be- 
 cause the girls have to find husbands, but the 
 wives to keep those who own them." 
 
 Ibid. Char. 2. 
 388. 
 Theophrastus was asked to define Love. "It 
 is the affection of a mind," he replied, "that has 
 nothing better to engage it. " 
 
 Stob^US, Flor. Ixiv. 29. 
 
 389- 
 Prodicus said that, if you doubled Desire you
 
 GREEK WIT. 125 
 
 would get Love for the result ; if you doubled 
 Love, you would get Madness. 
 
 Stob^us, Flor. Ixiv. 28. 
 
 390. 
 
 Aristotle was asked, " Why is Love a love of 
 the beautiful?" He answered, "That is the 
 question of a blind man." Ibid. Ixv. 14. 
 
 391. 
 
 Cleanthes the Stoic was often bantered by his 
 
 fellow-students, who gave him the nickname of 
 "Ass." "I may be an ass," he good-naturedly 
 replied, " but I am the only one of you who can 
 carry the burden which Zeno, our founder, has 
 placed on our backs." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vii. 5, 170. 
 
 392. 
 
 The same was often heard reproaching himself ; 
 and, on one of these occasions, Aristo asked him, 
 " Whom are you finding fault with ?" " With an 
 old man," he replied, "who has got grey hairs, but 
 has not got much sense under them. " 
 
 Ibid. 171.
 
 125 GREEK WIT. 
 
 393- 
 The same, when someone remarked, " Arcesi- 
 laus has very lax views about the Duty of Man," 
 replied, " Don't blame him ; his actions are better 
 than his lectures." "Well," said Arcesilaus, 
 "you don't flatter me, certainly!" "Yes, my 
 friend," said Cleanthes, "it ir a compliment, in 
 your case, to affirm that you preach one thing and 
 practise another." 
 
 DiOG. Laert. vii. 171. 
 
 394- 
 
 Chrysippus used to propose to his pupils such 
 lessons in dialectics as the following : " What is 
 not in the town cannot be in any private house. 
 But there is no well in the town ; therefore there 
 is no well in any private house." Again: "If 
 someone is at Megara, he cannot be at Athens. 
 But man is at Megara ; therefore vian is not at 
 Athens." Again: "What you say, comes from 
 your mouth. But you say, ' a waggon ; ' therefore 
 a waggon comes out of your mouth." Again: 
 '^ HeoiiYiO-s an abstract existence : you do not pos- 
 sess that ; therefore you have no head." And, 
 again : "If you have not lost a thing, you have it.
 
 GREEK WIT. 127 
 
 But you have not lost horns ; therefore you have 
 horns." DiOG. Laert. vii. 7, 186-7. 
 
 395- 
 One of the favourite doctrines of Pyrrho was 
 Indifferentism, and the absence of any special likes 
 and dislikes. One day he passed by his friend 
 and companion Anaxarchus, who had fallen into a 
 dirty pond, and rendered him no help. Some 
 blamed him for this ; but Anaxarchus himself 
 praised his indifferentism. But on another occa- 
 sion, when he showed grief for the loss of his 
 sister, he excused himself on the plea that " the 
 poor woman was not a fit subject for indiffe- 
 rentism." And once when he ran away from a 
 fierce dog, he remarked, "It is difficult to rid 
 one's self entirely of the human." 
 
 Ibid. ix. (>2„ 66. 
 
 396. 
 ^^ hen a state has some public work to execute, 
 it advertises for contracts to do the work in the 
 best and cheapest way. Suppose, now, the work 
 required is to make human life miserable. Vice 
 and Luck are sure to compete. Says Luck, "/'// 
 bring you wars, murders, storms at sea, bad
 
 128 GREEK WIT. 
 
 seasons, pestilence, false accusations, fines, and 
 imprisonment ! " Says Vice : "Here I am, stripped 
 of all external aids ; I want none of the appliances 
 that Luck boasts of. What do men care for 
 poverty, or cold, heat, slavery, nay, for death 
 itself? Many are indifferent to, some even glory 
 in these things ! No ! Luck cannot make misery. 
 Try Me ! " 
 
 Plutarch, An vitiositas ad m/elidtatcm 
 sufficiat. 
 
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