AMERICAN NEWSPAPER HUMORISTS FOR THE GAIETY OF NATIONS 807-73 Rice, Wallace AUTHOR -48931/ DATE LOANED American newspaper humorists BORROWER'S NAME 807.73 R39 a 6893 Rice, Wallace American newspaper humorists For the Gai ety of Nations AMERICAN NEWSPAPER HUMORISTS WALT For the Gaiety of Nations FUN and PHILOSOPHY FROM THE AMERICAN NEWSPAPER HUMORISTS COMPILED BY WA LLACE RICE Laugh and the world laughs with you; And don't you dare smile alone. -Chicago Mail. NEW YORK: DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY: 220 EAST asd STREET Copyright, 1909, by Dodge Publishing Company To FINLEY PETER DUNNE Unto Whom Was Given Wit, Wisdom, and a Friendly Soul For the GAIETY OF NATIONS Fun and Philosophy. From THE ELDER AMERICAN HUMOR- ISTS, AMERICAN NEWSPA- PER HUMORISTS, THE LATER AMERICAN HUMOR- ISTS. Three Volumes, each 50 cents. Dodge Publishing Com- pany, 220 East 23d St., New York. IT is easy to get into the habit of frown- ing look at the men you see going to their loving families every night with heavy creases between their eyebrows, glar- ing at the world as if it were a disease they might catch if they looked pleasant! But thank Heaven ! it is just as easy to get into the habit of smiling; don't you remember the pretty little girl with her dimples show- ing that you caught a glimpse of the other day? Didn't she heighten and broaden and brighten this old earth of ours for you, in spite of yourself? And wouldn't you rather have a soul like hers than own the black heart of the bashi-bazouk you perceived in the glass when you were shaving this morn- ing? Chicago Journal. FORTHE GAIETY OF NATIONS AMERICAN NEWSPAPER HUMORISTS IT is related that a certain German maiden once presided at a mineral-water foun- tain, at which there were only two kinds of syrup vanilla and lemon. To her came a young man, who said, "I want a glass of soda without syrop." "Ja," replied Katrina ; "boot vat kind off syrop you vant him mit- out mitout vanilla or mitout lemon?" San Francisco Argonaut. THE Boston Globe says a pretty stocking never looks better than when hung up for Christmas presents. This is rather rough on the Boston girls. New York Life. " A NNA, what must you do, before every- A* thing else, to have your sins forgiven?" "Commit the sins." The Eve. N O one knows how often Rebecca went to the well before she caught on. Chronicle-Telegraph. [9] II; FORTHE GAIETY WHEN Bangs, the rifle-shooting expert, died, his widow was inconsolable. "There was none like him," she moaned ; "he never missed fire." "Cheer up," said a sym- pathizing friend, "possibly he may be equally successful in his present abode." The effect upon the widow was electric. Boston Transcript. HAVE you a match?" "Yes; but I hain't got no cigar." "Then you can't want the match." D anbury News. "/\H, say, ma, hasn't that man over there v got awful big ears?" "Hush, child; the gentleman might hear you." "Well, ma, if he couldn't hear me with those ears he ought to haul them down." New York Journal. A NORTHERN paper praises the Indian Hair Restorer. He is a fraud. No In- dian was ever known to restore any hair. Texas Sif tings. "1JA," said Johnnie at the circus, "if one of those Arabs fell down and knocked all his teeth out, would he talk gum Arabic?" Chicago Mail. [10] OF NATIONS "/\H, doctor," came over the telephone, U "what shall I do for baby? He has swallowed a dime." "Well, you surely don't want to spend $2 to get a dime, do you?" And the telephone ceased to work. Newman Independent. "VOUR studies are costing me a great * deal," said the indulgent father as he reached into his pocket. "I know it, father," the boy observed as he harvested a $10 bill, "and I don't study very hard, either." New York Sun. MY poor Elsie," this to the recently be- reaved widow, "how lonesome you must feel without him." "Yes, dear; but I have one consolation," she replied mourn- fully. "I know where he is nights." New York Life. DON'T you think," said Mrs. Keener, "that when Adam realized the vastness of the world he must have had a great deal on his mind?" ."Well," replied Mrs. Blunt, "from the pictures I've seen of him I should say that whatever he did have on must have been on his mind." Yonkers Gazette. ["I FORTHE GAIETY MY dear," said he as they started for church, "I'd as soon see a woman put- ting on her stockings in the street as her gloves." "Most men would," said she. Evansville Argus. AS the large lady entered the street car little Tim Doherty struggled gallantly to his feet and exclaimed, "I'll be wan iv anny two gintlemen in th' car to give th* lady a seat." Chicago Herald. "VOUR minister's popularity seems to be A increasing rapidly." "Yes," said the deacon; "since he was caught kissing the soprano in the choir the church has taken on new life." New York Sun. MR. SUBURBS: What's the matter? Where's the new servant girl? Mrs. Suburbs: Oh, George! I told her she had better dust this morning, and she dusted. Philadelphia Press. PEOPLE who think twice before speaking soon get out of the habit of talking. New Orleans Picayune. [12] OF NATIONS S," said the seedy-looking man in explanation, "I was makin' money as P^I\ bridge tender; but they had one of these ' fool registers that rings up when it's stepped on. A blamed Newfoundland dog got on the thing the other day and began to scratch himself it cost me $275 to settle." Arkansaw Traveler. A MAN may bet on anything In this world he may choose, And six times out of seven It's a safe bet he will lose. Chicago Daily News. OH, yes you read this hurriedly And say, "Now, ain't that true?" But how about the winners six The loser loses to? Puck. 3 you really imagine smoking benefits you?" "I know it does; my mother-in- law leaves the room the minute I light my pipe." Pittsburg Despatch. H OPE is the bridge over the stream of dis- appointment. Chicago Daily News. [13] IP FORTHE GAIETY ^> O'TOOLE: Give me a shave. New Bar- ber: Have you your own mug? "Me own mug is it? An' do you think I'd be after going around wid another feller's mug atop me showlders?" Pittsburg Post. see why you are so deucedly smit- ten with her." "Why, because she is so pretty." "Beauty is only skin deep." "Well, Great Scott ! I am no cannibal. That's deep enough for me." Cleveland Leader. "1\E only thing dat some people gits out " o' education," said Uncle Remus, "is the ability to talk so's people can't under- stand 'em." Washington Star. /CHURCH: I see the attorney-general is \s going to stop all this guessing business in the newspapers. Gotham : Whom do you suppose that is aimed at, the weather bureau? Yonkers Statesman. AMMA, what is a spinster?" "A spin- ster, my dear, is a woman to be envied. But don't tell your father I said so." Philadelphia Ledger. [14] OF NATIONS IF a man will go through his bank account for a girl he may safely cut out the fire and water. Detroit News. AMERICAN : Why do you go to Germany so often? German: I like operas. "You can hear operas in this country." "Yah ; but id's cheaper to puy a ticket to Shermany und hear id ofer there." New York Weekly. THE automobile by another name would smell no sweeter. Yonkers Statesman. will find it hard to get a husband on account of her past." "What is the matter with her past?" "It's very long." Washington Post. DOCTOR: Some foreign substance has lodged in your eye. Dennis : Oi knowed Oi'd get something wurrkin' with them Da- goes. Kansas City Star. I T'S what a man doesn't know about a girl that causes him to fall in love with her. Philadelphia Record. [15] FOR THE GAIETY A YOUNG man has just telegraphed me *"m that he has married my daughter." "I hope he is a good practical man." "I guess he is, he wired me collect." Louisville Courier- Journal. SAMBO: Whar you get dat chicken? Mark Antony: Nebber yo' min' 'bout dat chicken. 'Tain't yours. "How you know it ain't?" " 'Cause I found it in youah coop." New York Weekly. ES," said the haughty young woman who was a Colonial Dame and a Daughter of the Revolution, "my great- grandfather fell at Bunker Hill." "Ice or banana skin?" asked the polite young man from the West. Cleveland Plain Dealer. ALL work and no play is what discourages the budding dramatist. Philadelphia Record. MAMMA: How did you get your clothes so terribly torn? Tommy: Trying to keep a little boy from being licked. "Ah ! a brave deed! Who was the little boy?" "Me." Washington Star. [16] OF NATIONS ROBBINS: I didn't think you had any idea of marrying the widow. Newly- wed: I hadn't; it was an idea of hers. Argonaut. ALL the world loves a lover except the gas companies. Life. FRIEND in need will keep you broke. Baltimore American. JAGGS: Doctor, my wife has insomnia very bad. She often remains awake un- til two or three o'clock in the morning. What shall I do for her? Doctor: Go home earlier. Argonaut. BOREM : Now what would you do if you were in my shoes, Miss Cutting? Miss Cutting: I'd point the toes toward the door and give them a start. Chicago Daily News. I NOTICED you hoeing your garden yesterday, what are you raising?" "Blisters mostly." Philadelphia Press. FORTHE GAIETY NE touch of rumor makes the whole world chin. The Schoolmaster. IT'S queer that people who are always railing at the world are nevertheless will- ing to pay the doctor a small fortune to keep them from leaving it in a hurry. Atlanta Constitution. "117 HAT is it, madam?" asked the man in f F the intelligence office. "I want a cook," exclaimed the lady, "and I want her bad." "Quite simple, madam, we have no other kind." New York Herald. on over," he called to his friend, recognizable through the dawn in spite of his profound attachment to a lamp- post. "I won't," replied the friend, thickly ; "I can't hardly stay where I am." Chicago Evening Mail. " CAN'T see where Boojums gets his M good looks; I've seen his parents." "Well, they used to say his mother was so handsome she could mash potatoes by just looking at 'em." Puck. [18] OF NATIONS W sternly, cocking his revolver as he thrust his head into his chicken-coop. A weak reply came from the corner where the cackling was loudest: "Nuffin' but jes' us chickens, sah." St. Louis Post-Despatch. A SWEDE rushed into the harness shop of a countryman, imploring protection against arrest. He was hustled into a bag and thrust under the counter. "What's in this?" asked the sheriff in his search a mo- ment later, as he caught sight of the bag. "Sleighbells," said the shopkeeper simply. The sheriff thrust at it with his foot. "Yin- gle-y ingle-y ingle !" it replied. Minneapolis Times. EGOE seems a conceited sort of per- son to me." "Conceited! Why, he's so much in love with himself that when he got married they arrested him for bigamy." Memphis Cimetar. "/\H, Bridget! I asked you to notice V when the apples boiled over." "Sure, I did, mum; it was a quarter past eleven." Bangor News. [19] FORTHE GAIETY HOW old are you?" he asked the for- eign-looking new scholar. "I do* "I ain' know." "When were you born?" bane born; I got stepmutter." Grand Forks Intelligencer. FIRST PASSENGER: Oh, yes, I know these southern railroads, I have been riding on this one all my life. Second Pas- senger: Is that so? You must have gotten on just before I did. Truth. /COLLECTOR: I can't keep coming here v every day for that bill. Landlady: I'll rent you a room for ten dollars a month. Detroit Free Press. TOMMY: Are all the men who have too many wives called bigamists, pa? Hen- peck: No, only those who have two or more. Puck. MRS. PORKCASH: I wonder now if there is anything vainer than you artists about your pictures. Poor Artist: Our efforts to sell them, madam. Life. [20] OF NATIONS is no occasion for you to envy me, my good man," said the prosper- ous person, "I have as many troubles as you." "I allow you do, sir," admitted Dis- mal Dawson, "but the difficulty with me is I ain't got nothing else." Indianapolis Journal. BOARDING-HOUSES have taught me one thing." "What is that?" "It wasn't a dried apple Eve tempted Adam with." Chicago Record. SHE: They say that people who live to- gether get to look alike. He: Well, just in the interests of science, let's try it. Hartford Times. THEY stopped in front of an old moun- taineer, unkempt and woebegone, sitting before his dilapidated hovel. "Have you lived here all your life?" asked the engi- neer, seeking information. The native hesi- tated, spat, and replied, "Not yet." Atlanta Constitution. THE best thing in print a pretty girl in a calico dress. Oil City Derrick. [21] FORTHE GAIETY HE: Do you think your father would offer me personal violence if I were to ask him for you? She: No; but I think he will if you don't pretty soon. Cleveland Plain Dealer. BARNES TORMER: Talk about frosts! Why a boy came down from the gal- lery and wanted his money back because he was afraid to stay alone. Life. SHE: I can sympathize with you. I was married once myself. He: But you were not married to a woman. Argonaut. "WT is the nature of a child to be wanting * to do something," said the enthusiastic kindergartner. "As far as I have noticed," said the mother of six, "it is the nature of a child to be wanting to do something else." Cleveland Enquirer. ETHEL: Did you ever run across a real smart man in your life ? Penelope : No, such men jump very quickly when they hear an automobile coming. Judge. [22] OF NATIONS HAVE here a neat and pretty letter opener," began the agent. "So have I, r , at home," said the business man; "I am ^<"' married." Cincinnati Tribune. I 1\ID you tell that young man not to call " here any more?" asked Mabel's father severely. "N no, I didn't think it was necessary; he calls seven times a week now." Washington Star. BASS : Was that baby-talk your wife was talking as I came in? Fogg: No, that was mother-talk; no baby I ever saw in- dulged in such gibberish. Boston Transcript. YOU can't make the fellow with a lot of sisters believe that happiness is merely a relative matter. At all events, he goes to some other fellow's relatives to find it. Boston Transcript. BORGESS has untold wealth." "How do you know?" "I just saw the tax assessor coming from his house." Cleveland Leader. [23] FORTHE GAIETY SHE is a decided brunette, isn't she?" "Yes, very. They say her husband can't call his soul his own." Detroit Free Press. IF the pictures can be believed, it was a very simple matter for an ancient Roman to go to bed. He just took his sandals off, that's all. Rochester Post-Express. I TALIAN music is fine because it is ground so much on the streets. New Orleans Picayune. IT was first known that hogs were good to eat when Japhet Ham. It would be a Shem not to Noah thing was good after trying it. Baltimore Every Saturday. AN old lady was asked her opinion about Mrs. Smith, her next-door neighbor. "Well," she said, "I am not the one to speak ill of anybody, but I feel very sorry for Mr. Smith." Portland Transcript. DON'T strike matches on an oil painting. Puck. [24] OF NATIONS AN old tin kettle may not point a moral, but we have known it to adorn a tail. Washington Gazette. DID you ever notice how suddenly a timid woman who is humming an operatic air will switch off on to a religious hymn when a storm comes up and she hears the first clap of thunder? Norristown Herald. SOME men are known by the company they can't get into. Somerville Journal. LOVE, like other flames, is apt to flicker if there are too many draughts upon it. Grip. A BABY will cry no harder if a pin is stuck into him than he will if the cat won't let him pull her tail. It is cheaper, therefore, to pin him. Chicago Telegram. WASHINGTON was the father of his country, and blowing out the gas on retiring is one of its smothers. Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald. [25] FORTHE GAIETY A MICHIGAN man who lost both legs in a saw-mill now sits round and tells about the terrible battles of the late war. That's the sawed off man he is. 'Boston Post. SHE: I don't know what makes her so positive about everything. He: Her sex. Atlanta Constitution. G Q ENEROUS to a fault the owner of said fault. Life. UEEN ELIZABETH'S golden days were fashion's ruffest times. New York News. TOXPRESS companies are thinking of re- 1-f fusing to transport statues of the Venus of Milo to connoisseurs. They receive too many bills for damages to the arms. Philadelphia Call. WHO says it is unhealthy to sleep in feathers? Look at the spring chicken, and see how tough it is. Scientific American. [26] OF NATIONS WE read of a young lady having been made crazy by a sudden kiss. This should teach young ladies to be constantly expecting something of the kind and be pre- pared for it when it comes. Lowell Citizen. TIME is money and money is time, for when you give twenty-five cents to a couple of tramps it is a quarter to two. Washington Gazette. S, sir," said the detective, "I'll look up his character. By the way, do you wish me to prove that he's a bad or a nice person? I always like to please my cus- tomers." Boston Post. ANEW YORK plumber has married a milliner. Everything tends to consoli- dation and monopoly these days. Lowell Citizen. I BEGGED Marie to smile on me, For I with love was daft. She smiled! She more than smiled, for she Just held her sides and laughed. Philadelphia Press. [27] FOR THE GAIETY ELLA: She is a decided blonde, isn't she? Dora: Yes, but she only decided re- cently. Chicago Daily News. "1\AR'S charity enough in dis worl' ter " kiver ^multitude of sinners," said Brother Williams, "but to do 'em any good hereafter, de kiverin' should be fireproof." Atlanta Constitution. MISTRESS: Why, Bridget! It seems to me you want very large wages for one who has had so little experience. Bridget: Sure, mum, ain't it harder for me when I don't know how?" Life. "TWEVER marry a man to reform him, 1* dear." "I won't, Auntie, nor will I ever reform a man for some other girl to marry." St. Paul Pioneer Press. "1JLEASE, mum," began the aged hero in A appealing tones, "I have lost a leg " "Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman, closing the door. Everybody's Magazine. AN ounce of intuition is worth a pound of tuition. Philadelphia Record. [28] OF NATIONS ONE good thing about marrying a widow is that she doesn't expect so much of you in the way of being good, and talented, and noble. Sommerville Journal. MRS. BLACK: Nothing that mother eats seems to agree with her. Black: Sometimes food seems to have human in- telligence. Argonaut. I UNDERSTAND that your boy is get- ting an education." "Yassuh," an- swered Uncle Rasberry, "an' mebbe he's doin' better 'n dat; I honestly b'lieves he's getting sense along wif it." Washington Star. PROFESSOR: Now, what little boy will make up a sentence illustrating the mean- ing of the word "triangle"? Little Sammy: If grubs won't ketch 'em try angle-worms. Judge. THERE are so many grafters in this world that there won't be enough graft to go around after a little while. Washington Star. [29] FORTHE GAIETY THERE is more joy upon earth over one sin found out than over ninety and nine forsaken. Boston Transcript. IF a man is naturally bad education won't make him any better, but it will help keep him out of jail. Cleveland Leader. I NEVER saw a cord of wood, I never want to saw one; But I can tell you (this is good!) I had rather see than saw one. Puck. " SHALL miss you while you are on * your hunting trip," murmured the young wife, "and I hope that the men you are going with will do the same thing." Cleveland Leader. SHE: I understand Sarah married a struggling young man. He: Yes, he struggled all right, but he couldn't get away. Louisville Courier. "OW is it that widows generally marry again?*' "Because dead men tell no tales." Argonaut. [30] OF NATIONS PARSON JOHNSON: So dis little chile am a gal. Do the udder one belong to yr , the contrary sex? Mr. Jackson: Yais, pah- J) son, dat's a gal, too. Atlanta Constitution. WHO'S there?" cried little Binks, egged on by his wife, who insisted there was a burglar in the room. "Nobody," returned the burglar. "There, my dear," snapped Mr. Binks, "that's exactly what I told you ; nobody is there, so do go to sleep." Harper's Bazar. MISTRESS: Are you a cook? Appli- cant : Oi am that. "But are you a good cook?" "Oi am that, Oi haven't missed airly mass in tin years." Judge. TOMMY: Pa, why do the good die young? Father: Because they wouldn't be good if they didn't die young. Indianapolis Journal. WIFE: That dog of Smith's bit mother again this morning, and I want to know what you propose doing about it. Husband : I think I shall buy the dog. Argonaut. FORTHE GAIETY D ID your daughter have any trouble abroad?" "Not a bit, it was the natives' French that bothered her." Life. TEACHER: Now, Charley, tell us what you know about Croesus? Charley: Dudes wear them in their trousers. Harlem Life. WHAT," said the tall girl, "can I do to bring the count to his knees at my feet?" "Suppose," said the short girl, "you try dropping a dime on the floor." Cincinnati Tribune. ^pEACHER: Can any little boy tell me A about Good Friday? Eager Scholar: He was the feller that done chores for Rob- inson Crusoe. Judge. JIM : Wat d' ye t'ink o' de snake charmer, Tim? Tim: Bet yer ten to one the snake is blind, Jimmy. Boston Courier. DOCTOR: Dyspepsia is what ails you. Patient: What do you advise? "Fee the waiters." New York Weekly. [33] OF NATIONS HINNERY CLAY," said Mr. Dolan, "was a great mon. He had a cigar named after him." "Thrue fer yez," said Mrs. Dolan, "only 'twere no cigar, 'twere a pipe." Washington Star. WIFE: My first husband was a great fellow to get people into scrapes. Hus- band : He must have had me in mind when he died. Truth. WADE: Did you ever notice that blind men are generally very smart? Butler: Yes, having no sense of sight, they make up for it by having a sight of sense. Puck. MISS ROSEBUD: This is my first sea- son out, and mamma says I may get married if I want to. Miss Oldun: She'll say more than that after this year. Harper's Bazar. "WT is proper for a man to wait until the M lady sits down before seating himself," says a wise young man; "that is, if there is more than one chair in the room." Philadelphia Record. [33] FOR THE GAIETY BUTLER: I may be poor now, but there was a time when I rode in a carriage. / 1 1 ^ Cook: Yes, the one your mother pushed? T[ jj Argonaut. K MRS. PANCAKE: Why arc you hang- ing around my back door so long? Tramp: Ma'am, those apple-pies are as pretty as a picture, and I am trying to make myself into a frame for one of them. Harper's Bazar. STOCKLY: I hear that your son went into the office this morning to work. Jobly: He went into the office to work me. I was out, but I think I should have been out more if I had been in. Detroit Journal. "S there any case so unjust, mean, and * dirty that you will not take it?" he asked the lawyer spitefully. "Well, I don't know," was the reply. "What have you been doing now?" Chicago Rambler. STUDENT, to servant at the door: Is Miss Brown in? Servant: She's en- gaged. Student: I know it. I'm what she's engaged to. Detroit Free Press. [34] OF NATIONS "AH, mother," said the little boy, "there V goes nothing with a tail to it!" It was a snake. St. Paul Press. "VES," said the student, condescend- * ingly, "I read a great deal of phi- losophy. I am reading Kant at present." "Ah, yes," said the society belle, brighten- ing, "It's by the author of 'Don't/ I sup- pose." Chicago Times. ALWAYS what it is cracked up to be Ice. New York Life. ARE your hens good hens?" "Oh, yes," exclaimed the new suburban house- wife, enthusiastically; "they haven't laid a bad egg yet." Catskill Mail. I T is a wise railroad stock that knows its own par. Wall Street News. k HE prettiest things in spring bonnets Girls. Hartford Times. THIS is the time of year when you get what you do not want real cheap. New Orleans Picayune. [35] FOR THE GAIETY THE two lawyers were descending to personalities. "Sir," said one, "you are a confounded liar!" "Sir," responded the other, "you are an infernal fool!" "Gentle- men, gentlemen," entreated the judge, "you will kindly address your remarks to the court." New York Sun. "ARE you a Christian?" asked the M\ mournful missionary. "Oh, dear, no," was the cheerful reply ; "I'm a choir singer." Chicago News. '"lATHAT a beautiful foot you have, dear." *f "Yes ; Pa says when we go to Europe he'll have a bust of it made." San Francisco Chronicle. THE description of Chicago as "the Venice of the Western Adriatic" will be a revelation to Chicagoans, who have long thought Venice the goddess of love. Philadelphia News. CHINA and Japan buy our dried apples freely. Thus does American industry help to swell the population of the Orient. Boston Transcript. [36] OF NATIONS MADAME dropped her pocket book in Tremont Street the other day, and a brisk little newsboy picked it up for her. "Thanks," said she. "Welks," said he, and bolted. The Beacon. A MINISTER made an interminable call upon a lady of his flock. After her little daughter had been wearied long enough, she whispered audibly, "Don't he bring his amen with him, mamma?" San Francisco Call. " 1UST throw me half a dozen of the tf biggest of those trout," said a citizen to a fish dealer. "Throw them?" queried the dealer. "Yes; and then I'll go home and tell my wife I caught 'em. I may be a poor fisherman, but I'm no liar." New York Times. OEY, if you will eat so many peaches, f I shall perhaps lose my little boy; for you will certainly be sick and die unless you obey me." Joey responded cheerfully, "I guess they'll be glad to see me come to Heaven, I'll be so full of peaches." The Rambler. [37] FORTHE GAIETY HOW They Dine in Berlin" is the title of a recent article. We did not read it because we felt we could tell the whole story in three words : Off their knives. Puck. "VES," said the chairman, sadly; "our A temperance meeting would have been more successful if the lecturer hadn't tried to blow the foam from a glass of water." New York Sun. MRS. HOYLE: Does your husband make good money? Mrs. Doyle: It's good enough, but there is so little of it. Philadelphia Record. c ORA: What is your favorite pet in the animal world? Dora: Man. Chicago Chronicle. THE coal man should be brought to see the error of his weighs. Brooklyn Life. JOHNNY: Pa, what is the rest of the quotation "Truth is mighty " ? Father : "Scarce," I reckon. Pittsburg Post. [38] OF NATIONS AGNES: Arthur, I smell liquor on your breath. Arthur: That's just like you, Agnes, you always do the wrong thing. What you ought to smell is mint. Cincinnati Commercial Tribune. W HAT is the wanderlust?" "It is some- thing cooks have." Cleveland Leader. LIVES of babies oft remind us That our lives would be less rough, And we'd win our hearts' desires, If we would holler long enough. Boston Transcript. WAITER, I find here in my soup a needle." "A needle, sir! That must be a misprint; it should be a noodle." Judge. JOE: I love you, I love you. Won't you be my wife? Jess: You must see mamma first. "I have seen her several times, but it makes no difference ; I love you just the same." Cleveland Plain Dealer. [39] FORTHE GAIETY HUSBAND: I wonder what we shall wear in heaven. Wife : Well, if you get there, John, I imagine most of us will wear surprised looks. Smart Set. THE LADY: That isn't the same story you told me before. The Beggar: No, lady, you didn't believe the other one. New York Sun. "1\ID I see you kissing my daughter?" " "I really don't know, sir. I was too much occupied at the time to notice." Life. S your dinner a social success?" "Yes, indeed, I was careful to invite only those who had the same kind of ner- vous prostration." Brooklyn Life. TAKE care of the pennies and after awhile the dollars will take care of you. Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. N ONE of us are so poor that we can't pay a compliment when it is due. Newport News. [40] OF NATIONS WHY is it," asked the curious guest, "that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?" "Well, suh," said the waiter, "the po' man don't want nobody to know he's po' and the rich man don't want nobody to know he's rich." Chicago Tribune. MR. FONDPAR: Ask the doctor to come to my house immediately. My wife doesn't like the baby's looks. Norah: He's out, sure, but don't you worry; sometimes the homeliest babies grow up quite good- looking. Brooklyn Life. FIRST SWELL (pretending to mistake hated rival for an usher) : "Ah ! Have you a programme?" Second Swell (equal to the occasion) : "Thanks, my man ; got one from the other fellow." New York Tribune. THE Cambridge professor hit his class very neatly when he found some of them smiling at a slight inadvertence of his own. "Gentlemen," he said, "let us remember that we are none of us infallible not even the youngest of us." New York Ledger. [41] FORTHE GAIETY SOMETIMES a man is despised for twenty or thirty years because he is so stingy and envied all the rest of his life be- cause he is so rich. Sommerville Journal. JACKSON: I hear your baby was kid- napped. Currie: Yes. The kidnappers are offering us five thousand dollars if we will take him back, but we are holding out for more. Life. ")APA what is the hand of providence?" * "The hand of providence, my son, is what we see in the misfortunes of others." Puck. "VOU seem to be very much interested I in me, my little girl, what is it?" "I don't see how your face can be so smooth and clean. Papa says you have traveled all over the country on it." Boston Transcript. " A ND how old are you, my little man?" M\ asked the old gentleman. "I'm not old at all," said little Freddie; "I'm nearly new." Graphic. [42] OF NATIONS FAITH is sometimes represented as a drenched female clinging to a sea- washed rock, but a better personification would be a bald-headed man buying a bottle of patent hair-restorer. Shoe and Leather Reporter. WE notice some verses headed "The Seven Ages of Woman." After a woman is thirty she abolishes the other six. Sommerville Journal. I HAVE found out what the wild waves were saying," observed the horse editor. What was it?" asked the snake editor. ; Let us spray." Rambler. WE still cling to the simple faith that the acme of human wisdom is to know when to lay down a poker hand. Macon Telegraph. "1*OMMY, you are our only child, and * we expect you to be a better boy." "It ain't my fault that I'm your only child an' it's tough on me to be good for a lot of brothers and sisters I haven't got." Texas Sif tings. [43] FORTHE GAIETY HAVE you ever read The Lay of the Last Minstrel/ Mr. Breezy?" "No, I think not. What lay was he on?" New York Life. W painted fruit so naturally that the birds came and pecked at it," said the fat reporter, "I drew a hen so true to life that after they threw it in the waste-basket it laid there." Peabody Reporter. IN Hindustan a copper cent is called a "damri." From this probably comes the expression: "It isn't worth a continental." Philadelphia Call. is less originality in profanity A than in anything else it is old as origi- nal sin. New Orleans Picayune. "'D hate to be a chicken," said the four- 1 year-old. "Why?" "'Cause I'd have to lay eggs, and I don't know how," was the response. Babyhood. A HALF-LOAF is better than no vaca- tion. Chicago Inter-Ocean. [441 OF NATIONS YOU can't always judge by appearances. The man who wears a diamond pin may be really wealthy. Lowell Citizen. M EN and wimmin is diffunt, but putty much all boys is alike. Arkansaw Traveler. WHEN it came little Ruth's turn to be helped to pudding she said: "I'll take too much, if you p'ease, papa." Detroit Free Press. WHEN a musician goes fishing does he Castanet in the hope of catching a bassoon? Yonkers Gazette. "7OULD you like der liddle cookies mit V der holes in de mittle, or mit de citron in de mittle?" the German bakery girl asked her Irish customer. "Ov ye pl'ase, mum," said he, "I'll take the citron. Oi 've always liked citron betther than holes." Rambler. tHERE is no such a thing as idle curi- osity all curiosity is busy. Kansas City Journal. [45] FOR THE GAIETY WHAT a splendid thing it would be if people who lose their tempers were un- able to find them again. Chicago Daily News. I CANNOT sing the old songs I sung long years ago; And neither can the lady Who lives in the flat below. New York Evening Mail. OW many stops has that organ you bought your daughter?" "Five: breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, bed." Judge. "UTAVE you much room in your new *1 flat?" "I should say not ! Our kitchen and dining-room are so small we have to use condensed milk." Puck. I young man is always running people down." "Scandal or auto?" Argonaut. T would be easy to be content with little if nobody had any more. Life. [46] OF NATIONS THE Bibles tell the sluggard to go to the ant; but in these days most of them go to the father-in-law. Atlanta Constitution. SMITH: Is young Huggins still paying attention to your daughter? Jones: No; they are married now. Chicago Daily News. SONNY," said the good man, "I am surprised that you should tease the cat in that way." "Why?" replied the boy, eagerly, "do you know a better way?" Philadelphia Ledger. THE novelists of true romance Their food will have to vary; To make the villain bite the dust Is quite unsanitary. New York Sun. THE ardent Frenchman looked tenderly at the fair young mistress of his soul. "Je t'adore!" he murmured. "Maybe I had better," she returned, "you never can tell who is listening in this house." Baltimore American. [471 FORTHE GAIETY EVERY man has his faults, but no man has as many as his wife thinks he has. Chicago Record-Herald. WEREN'T you fired by the college spirit while at Yale?" "No; by the president." Cleveland Press. WHERE did you get the rank of col- onel?" "I's a kunnel by marriage, sah." "By marriage? How's that?" "I married the widow of a kunnel, sah. Kun- nel Thompson, of Waco." Argonaut. HERE is an article which says family jars eventually kill love." "Family jugs kill it sooner than that." Houston Post. MRS. VAN TWILLER (who mistakes Dr. Jovial for a physician) : And where do you practice, Doctor? The Rev. Dr. Jovial: Ah, madam, I do not practice; I only preach. Harlem Life. ANY one can live without servants. It is how to live with them that is filling the insane asylums. New York World. [48] OF NATIONS FLUFFY YOUNG THING (at the play) : I believe that man in front is trying to hear what we are saying. Man in Front: You do me an injustice, my dear young lady, I am trying not to hear it. Chicago Tribune. LOGAN : Your wife isn't holding as many pink teas as she used to. Rittenhouse: No. She's got a pink tease now, that takes all her time to hold. Philadelphia Press. WHAT'S a bachelor, Aunt Martha?" "Oh, he's a man that thinks every girl that looks at him wants to marry him." Indianapolis Journal. MRS. N ABORL Y : Is your aunt on your mother's side or on your father's side, Johnny? Johnny: Sometimes on one side and sometimes on the other, it depends on who's getting the best of it. Brooklyn Life. FATHER : Tommy, stop pulling the cat's tail. Tommy: I ain't. I am just hold- ing it; the cat is pulling. Detroit Journal. [49] FORTHE GAIETY SHE hasn't any friends to speak of.' "No? Then what are they for?" Puck. SHE: You had no business to kiss me. He: But it wasn't business, it was pleasure. Argonaut. SHE: Why do married men live longer than single? He: They don't; it only seems longer. Indianapolis Journal. W SAW you kissing my daughter. I don't like it." is good, sir." "Then you don't know what Life. THE savage bachelor: I don't see why a man should marry when a good parrot can be bought for twenty-five dollars. The Sweet Young Thing : As usual woman is at a disadvantage. A grizzly bear can't be bought for less than ten times that amount. Cleveland Leader. seem to like his attentions. Why don't you marry him?" "Because I like his attentions." Brooklyn Life. [50] OF NATIONS RALPH: Suppose a fellow's best girl gets mad when he asks for a kiss? Curtis: Take it without asking. "Suppose she gets mad then?" "Then he has got some other fellow's girl." New York Journal. THE deacon: "Oh, Lord, ef dis yere chicken be stolen we hope you will over- look de fact, fo' it's almighty small, almighty tough, and almighty inadequate to go round. Life. "S that young man in the parlor with 1 Maude, still?" asked her father. "Very still," replied her mother. Chicago Evening Post. MURIEL: Your brother proposed to me during the service in church last Sun- day. Zoe: You mustn't mind him. He often talks in his sleep. Smart Set. FAIR painter: I hope you don't mind my sketching in your field. Farmer: Lord, no, Missie! You keep the birds off the peas better 'n any ordinary scarecrow. Argonaut. FORTHE GAIETY PUPIL : What in your opinion, professor, is the most difficult mathematical prob- lem? Poor Professor: Trying to make both ends meet. Argonaut. v* UNCLE HIRAM: They say the sun never sets on the British Empire. Aunt Hannah: Doesn't it now? And we have such magnificent sunsets over here. Puck. JOHNNY, do you like going to school?" "Not so well as coming home." Collier's Weekly. PUBLIC opinion seems sadly divided as to the usefulness of the man who makes two shares of stock grow where one grew before. Detroit News. JOHNNY had been playing around the piano and had fallen. "What are you bawling about?" asked Bertie, contemptu- ously. "It was the soft pedal your head hit." Boston Gazette. THE sun never sees the dark side of any- thing. Success. [52] OF NATIONS HE: Why did you fail to recognize me on the street to-day? She: I did not see you. "I saw you twice." "Oh, that probably accounts for it. I never look at a man in that condition." Chicago News. DRS. BROWN and Smith are going to operate upon old Gotrox." "Is the operation necessary?" "Why, yes; Brown has a note coming due, and Smith wants an automobile." Chicago Daily News. GRACE: I can't ride, to-day; I am ill. I've sent for a doctor. Helen : Not that handsome one Fred pointed out to us yes- terday? "Yes." "Then just tear into your clothes and feed Fido all the cake and jam he'll eat. That doctor is a veterinary." Life. A PERFECT husband is one who will sub- mit to any amount of reproof because he delayed dinner to see an eleven-inning base- ball game to the finish, and never once al- lude to similar delays occasioned by his wife's devotion to illustrated lectures and pianists. Washington Star. [53] FORTHE GAIETY THE Japanese progress rapidly. In a cen- tury or so they will be saying, "What a bright, progressive little people those Americans are.' Washington Star. WHAT are you doing?" "Burning Poe's poems. He was a nature faker. Ravens never sit just above chamber doors and croak, 'Nevermore.' " Chicago Record Herald. "1 HAVE been thinkin' 'bout gettin' mar- Jl ried," said a member of his flock to Brother Williams. "You reckon I could get a marriage license fer a dozen watermelons." "I reckon you could," replied Brother Wil- liams; "but my advice to you is ter eat the watermelons." Atlanta Constitution. WE love the woman who loves her coun- try and her husband with no desire to rule either. Kansas City Star. ATHER, what is evolution?" "Evolu- tion, my son, is a sort of apology which man has invented for displaying so many traits of the lower animals." Louisville Courier. [54] OF NATIONS "TITHY does the professor have all those f letters tacked onto his name?" "That shows he got there by degrees." Washington American. WHY, dear, it's lovely," murmured the artist's better half, "lovely! but I think those sheep look just a trifle too much like clouds that is, of course, dear er unless they are clouds." Harper's Weekly. AGENT : Here is a book you can't afford to be without. Victim: I never read books. "Buy it for your children." "I have no family only a cat." "Well, don't you need a good heavy book to throw at the cat sometimes." Cleveland Leader. IT is asserted by some physicians that the old-fashioned nightcap is a cure for in- somnia ; but they fail to say whether it must be of dry goods or the wet-goods sort. Baltimore American. SOMETIMES absence makes the heart grow fonder of some one else. Philadelphia Press. [55] FORTHE GAIETY WHAT are you crying for, my poor little boy?" "Boo-hoo! Pa fell down stairs." "Don't take on so. He'll get better soon." "Sister saw him fall, all the way I never saw nothing." Sporting Times. "MERE'S a letter from a woman who U wants to know what to use in clean- ing carpets." "If she is a married woman tell her to use her husband." Pittsburg Despatch. ADORING GRANDMOTHER: Isn't he a lovely child? Calm Visitor: Yes he is a nice little baby. "And so intelligent! He just lies there all day long and breathes, and breathes, and breathes." Baltimore Telegram. A DOLLAR in the pocket of a stingy man represents close quarters. Chicago Daily News. A MAN may have heart enough to love two women at the same time, but he certainly ought to have too much brains to try it. New Orleans Picayune. [56] OF NATIONS A LIE by any other name doesn't sound half so insulting. New Orleans Picayune. WILL alcohol dissolve sugar?" "It will," replied the Old Soak, "it will dissolve gold, brick houses, and horses, and happiness, and love, and everything else worth having. Kansas City Times. NE thing about common sense it ain't common. Boston Globe. Y son is taking algebra under you this term, is he not!" remarked the fond father. "Well," answered the pedagogue, "your son has been exposed to alegbra, but I doubt if he will take it." New York Tribune. HICKS: My hair comes out in handfuls. If it keeps on I'll soon be bald. Wicks : Nonsense, if it keeps on you'll never be bald. Cleveland Leader. * who'll let you share your last dollar with him, my boy." Pittsburg Post. [57] FORTHE GAIETY YOU didn't say 'Thank you' to the man who gave you his seat in the car." "I always used to do so, and by the time I had finished another woman had taken the seat." Washington Star. TOMMY: O Ma! Here's a little green snake! Mamma: Keep away from it, dear. It may be just as dangerous as a ripe one. Buffalo Commercial. SHE : Did you notice the beautiful palms in the new restaurant? He: The only palms I saw were the waiter's. Boston Transcript. evidence shows, Mrs. Mulcahy, that you threw a stone at Policeman Casey." "It shows more than that, yer Honor, it shows that Oi hit him." Minneapolis Tribune. THANK Heaven the multiplication table doesn't change. It is the only thing a mother knows that is the same as when she went to school, or that she can speak of without being corrected. Atchison Globe. [58] OF NATIONS "VOU know, George," she explained, "I * was brought up without any care." "Marry me, my darling, and you will have nothing but care." Baltimore Telegram. "W IKE father, like son," said the Know- / ing One. "In what way were they alike?" asked the Curious One. "First, the old man, when the boy was a child, tried to break his son's will. Now the son is trying to break the old man's will." Baltimore American. M ONEY is the root of all evil and grows best by the grafting process. Detroit News. WHEN the clergyman remarked that there was a nave in the new church the society was building, an old lady whispered that she knew the party to whom he re- ferred. Detroit Free Press. "AT HAT is the matter with your watch?" if asked the jeweler. "I can't exactly tell, but as near as I can make out, I guess the hair is all worn off the hair-spring." Buffalo Times. [59] FORTHE GAIETY TORIENDS are divided into two great A classes, those you need and those who need you. Washington Star. LOVE is said to be blind, but it often makes spectacles of people. Washington Star. "UOW can you tell a dogwood tree?" U asked the professor of arborology. "By the bark," said the smallest boy. Rockland Tribune. NOW," said the physician, "I must take your temperature." "All right," re- sponded his patient, in a tone of utter resig- nation, "you have taken about everything else I own." Christian Advocate. IF you want to make sure your advice will be taken, have it engraved on your um- brella handle. Troy Press. THERE are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is that they haven't any mind; and the other, that they haven't any business. New York World. [60] UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A 001368868 4 I WAir OKNV