WGGS UBRABY, 
 
 WASHINGTON, 0. C,
 
 Jobn Bull
 
 MAX O'RELL 
 
 5obn Bull Junior 
 
 FRENCH AS SHE IS TRADUCED 
 
 BY THE AUTHOR OF 
 "JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC. 
 
 WITH A PREFACE BY 
 
 GEORGE C. EGGLESTON 
 
 104 & 106 FOURTH AVENUE, NEW YORK
 
 COPYRIGHT, 
 
 1888, 
 By O. M. DUNHAM. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 Prest W. L. Merrtion Si Co.. 
 Rahway, N. J.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 IT must be that a too free association with American men 
 of letters has moved the author of this book to add to his 
 fine Gallic wit a touch of that preposterousness which is 
 supposed to be characteristic of American humor. 
 
 For proof of this, I cite the fact that he has asked me to 
 introduce him upon this occasion. Surely there could be no 
 more grotesque idea than that any word of mine can serve 
 to make Max O'Rell better known than he is to the great 
 company of American readers. 
 
 Have not the pirate publishers already introduced him 
 to all Americans who care for literature ? Have not their 
 translators done their best, not only to bring his writings 
 to the attention of readers, but also to add to the sparkle 
 and vivacity of his books by translating into them many 
 things not to be found in the French originals ? These 
 generous folk, who have thus liberally supplemented his wit 
 with flashes of their own stupidity, have treated his text 
 after the manner of a celebrated Kentuckian of whom it 
 was written that his love of truth was so great that he gave 
 his entire time and attention to the task of ornamenting 
 and adding to it. 
 
 But with all their eagerness to render interested service 
 to a distinguished man of letters who was not then here to 
 look after his own affairs, the pirates missed this, the best
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 of his books ; and finding that no surreptitious edition of it 
 has appeared in this country, the author has felt himself 
 privileged to re-write it and make such changes in it and 
 additions to it as his own judgment has suggested without 
 the prompting of voluntary assistants, and even to negotiate 
 with a publisher for the issue of an edition on his own 
 account. 
 
 I have called this work the best of Max O'Rell's books, 
 and I think the reader will approve the judgment. Here, 
 as in all that this author has written, there is a biting wit, 
 which saturates the serious substance as good, sharp vine- 
 gar pervades a pickle ; but here, as elsewhere, the main 
 purpose is earnest, and the wit is but an aid to its accom- 
 plishment. A very wise and distinguished educator has 
 declared that "the whole theory of education is to be 
 extracted from these humorous sketches," and the story 
 goes whether Max O'Rell will vouch for its accuracy or 
 not, I do not venture to say that the head boy of St. 
 Paul's School in London, after hearing the sketches read 
 in public, said : " We boys enjoyed the lecture im- 
 mensely, but that ff How knows too much about us." 
 
 With a tremor of apprehension, we reflect that Max 
 O'Rell's period of observation among ourselves will pres- 
 ently end, a.id that when he comes to record the result in 
 his peculiar fashion, we are likely to echo that school-boy's 
 plaint. But at any rate we shall know our own features 
 better after we have contemplated them in his mirror ; and, 
 meantime, those of us who have enjoyed his acquaintance 
 are disposed earnestly to hope that a guest whom we have 
 learned to esteem so warmly may not think quite so ill of 
 the American character as the barbaric condition of our 
 laws respecting literary property would warrant. 
 
 GEORGE GARY EGGLESTON. 
 
 NEW YORK, February, 1888.
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 A Word to the Reader and another to the Critic. 
 
 To write a book in a foreign tongue is risky, and I had 
 better at once ask for indulgence. 
 
 The many scenes and reminiscences belong to England, 
 and, if translated into French, the anecdotes and conversa- 
 tions would lose much of whatever flavour and interest 
 there may be in them. 
 
 This is my reason for not having written this book 
 in French. Let my reason be also my apology. 
 
 If any of my readers should feel inclined to think my 
 review of British school-boys somewhat critical, let them 
 take it for granted that when I was a boy I was everything 
 that was good. 
 
 Now, gentle American Critic, whose magnanimity is 
 proverbial, before thou abusest this little book, reflect how 
 thou wouldst feel if thy Editor were to bid thee write thy 
 criticism in French. 
 
 MAX O'RELL.
 
 Contents . 
 
 Preface, ....... 
 
 Introduction, ...... 
 
 I am Born. I am Deeply in Love. I wish to be an Artist, 
 but my Father uses strong Argument against it. I pro- 
 duce a dramatic Chef-d'oeuvre. Parisian Managers fail 
 to appreciate it. I put on a beautiful Uniform. The 
 Consequence of it. Two Episodes of the Franco- 
 Prussian War. The Commune explained by a Com- 
 munist. A " glorious " Career cut short. I take a Reso- 
 lution and a Ticket for London, .... 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN IN 
 SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION IN ENGLAND. 
 
 Arrival at Charing Cross. I have Nothing to declare to the 
 Excise/nan but Low Spirits. Difficulty in finding a 
 comfortable Residence. Board and Lodging. A House 
 with Creepers. Things look Bad. Things look Worse. 
 Things look cheerful, . . . . .15 
 
 III. 
 
 I make the acquaintance of Public School Boys. " When I 
 was a little Boy." An Awful Moment. A Simple 
 Theory. I score a Success, . . . -34
 
 Contents, 
 
 IV. 
 
 The genus Boy. The only one I object to. What Boys 
 work for, . . . . . . .38 
 
 V. 
 
 Schoolboys I have met. Promising; Britons. Sly Boots. 
 Too Good for this World. " No, thanks, we makes it." 
 French Dictionaries. A Naughty Boy. Mothers' 
 Pets. Dirty, but Beautiful. John Bully. High Collars 
 and Brains. Dictation and its Trials. Not to- be taken 
 in. Unlucky Boys. The Use of Two Ears. A Boy 
 with One Idea. Master Whirligig. The Influence of 
 Athletics. A Good Situation. A Shrewd Boy of Busi- 
 ness. Master Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth and other 
 Typical Schoolboys, . . . . .40 
 
 VI. 
 
 French as she is Traduced. More Grumblings. "La 
 Critique " is not the Critic's Wife. Bossuet's Prose, and 
 how it reads in English. Nothing improves by Transla- 
 tion except a Bishop. A Few French " Howlers." 
 Valuable Hints on translating Unseen Passages, . 72 
 
 Erglish Boys on French Etymologies. Why "Silence" i 
 the only French Noun ending in "ence" that is of the 
 
 s 
 
 tne only trench I\oun ending in "ence" that is of the 
 Masculine Gender. A Valuable Service rendered by the 
 Author to his Land of Adoption. Learned Etymolo- 
 gies. Return to old Philological Methods. Remarkable 
 Questions. Written and Oral Examinations. A Kind 
 Examiner. How long would it take the Moon to Fall 
 to the Earth ? How many Yards of Cloth it takes to 
 cover an Ass, . . . . . .80 
 
 VIII. 
 
 English Boys on French Composition. "Go ahead" is not 
 in French " Allez une Tete. " How Boys set about French 
 Composition. A Written Proof of their Guilt. How- 
 Large Advertisements can help them. A Stumbling- 
 Block cleared away, . . . . .90
 
 Contents. 
 
 IX. 
 
 Suggestions and Hints for the Class Room. Boys on 
 History and Geography. " Maxims " and " Wise 
 Thoughts." Advice to those about to Teach. "Sir," 
 and not " Mossoo." " Frauleins "and " Mademoiselles." 
 Check your Love for Boys. No Credit. We are all 
 liable ot make Mistakes. I get an insight into " Stocks," 95 
 
 X. 
 
 English Boys' Patriotism put to a Severe Test. Their 
 Opinion of French Victories. King Louis VI. of France 
 and the English Soldier at the Battle of Brenneville. 
 An English Boy on French Wrestling. Young Tory 
 Democrats. " Imperium et Libertas." A Patriotic An- 
 swer. Duck and Drake, . . . . .no 
 
 XI. 
 
 Cricket. I have an Unsuccessful Try at it. Boys' Opinion 
 of my Athletic Qualities. French and English Athletes. 
 Feats of Skill and Strength versus Feats of Endurance 
 and Brute Force. A Case of Eviction by Force of Arms, 116 
 
 XII. 
 
 Old Pupils. Acquaintances renewed. Lively Recollec- 
 tions revived. It is easier to Teach French than to 
 Learn it. A Testimonial refused to a French Master. 
 " How de do ? " " That's What-d'ye-call-him, the 
 French Master," . . . .121 
 
 Debating Societies. A Discussion on the Pernicious Use 
 of Tobacco. School Magazines in France and England. 
 A Business-like Little Briton. An Important Resolu- 
 tion passed unanimously. I perform an Englishman's 
 Duty, . . . . . . .125
 
 Contents. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 Home, sweet Home ! Boys' Opinion of the Seaside. 
 French and English Beaches. Who is he at Home ? 
 What was his Grandfather ? Remarks on Swaggering. 
 " I thought he was a Gentleman," . . . 128 
 
 XV. 
 
 He can not speak French, but he can read it, you know. 
 He has a try at it in Paris. Nasal Sounds and accented 
 Syllables. How I reduced English Words to single 
 Syllables, and was successful in the Object I had in View. 
 A Remark on the Connection of Words, . . 133 
 
 Public School Scholarships and Exhibitions. Grateful 
 Parents. Inquiring Mothers. A Dear Little Candidate. 
 Ladies' Testimonials. A Science Master well recom- 
 mended, . . . . . . .138 
 
 XVII. 
 
 The Origin of Anglomania and Anglophobia in England. 
 A Typical Frenchman. Too much of an Englishman. 
 A remarkable French Master. John Bull made to go to 
 Church by a Frenchman. A Noble and Thankless 
 Career. A Place of Learning. Mons. and Esquire. 
 All Ladies and Gentlemen. One Exception. Wonder- 
 ful Addresses, ...... 148 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 The Way to Learn Modern Languages, . . .158 
 
 XIX. 
 
 English and French Schoolboys. Their Characteristics. 
 The Qualities of the English Schoolboy. What is 
 required of a Master to Win, . . . .165 
 
 Appendix, ....... 169
 
 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 *P\ 
 I. 
 
 AM BORN. I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE. i WISH TO BE AN 
 ARTISTE, BUT MY FATHER USES STRONG ARGUMENT 
 AGAINST IT. I PRODUCE A DRAMATIC CHEF-D'CEUVRE. 
 PARISIAN MANAGERS FAIL TO APPRECIATE IT. I PUT 
 ON A BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM. THE CONSEQUENCE OF IT. 
 Two EPISODES OF THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR. 
 THE COMMUNE EXPLAINED BY A COMMUNIST. A 
 " GLORIOUS" CAREER CUT SHORT. I TAKE A RESOLU- 
 TION, AND A TICKET TO LONDON. 
 
 I WAS born on the 
 
 But this is scarcely a " recollection " of mine. 
 
 At twelve I was deeply in love with a little girl 
 of my own age. Our servants were friends, and 
 it was in occasional meetings of these girls in the 
 public gardens of my little native town that my 
 chief chance of making love to Marie lay. 
 Looking back on this little episode in my life, I 
 am inclined to think that it afforded much 
 amusement to our attendants. My love was too
 
 2 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 deep for words ; I never declared my flame 
 aloud. But, oh, what a fluttering went on under 
 my small waistcoat every time I had the ineffable 
 pleasure of a nod from her, and what volumes 
 of love I put into my bow as I lifted my cap and 
 returned her salute ! We made our first com- 
 munion on the same day. I was a pupil of the 
 organist, and it was arranged that I should play 
 a short piece during the Offertory on that occa- 
 sion. I had readily acquiesced in the proposal. 
 Here was my chance of declaring myself ; 
 through the medium of the music I could tell 
 her all my lips refused to utter. She must be 
 moved, she surely would understand. 
 
 Whether she did or not, I never had the bliss 
 of knowing. Shortly after that memorable day, 
 my parents removed from the country to Paris. 
 The thought of seeing her no more nearly broke 
 my heart, and when the stage-coach reached the 
 top of the last hill from which the town could be 
 seen, my pent-up feelings gave way and a flood 
 of tears came to my relief. 
 
 The last time I visited those haunts of my 
 childhood, I heard that " little Marie " was the 
 mamma of eight children. God bless that 
 mamma and her dear little brood ! 
 
 At fifteen I was passionately fond of music,
 
 John Bull, Jr. 3 
 
 and declared to my father that I had made up 
 my mind to be an artiste. 
 
 My father was a man of great common sense 
 and few words : he administered to me a sound 
 thrashing, which had the desired effect of restor- 
 ing my attentions to Cicero and Thucydides. 
 
 It did not, however, altogether cure me of a 
 certain yearning after literary glory. 
 
 For many months I devoted the leisure, left 
 me by Greek version and Latin verse, to the 
 production of a drama in five acts and twelve 
 tableaux. 
 
 For that matter I was no exception to the rule. 
 Every French school-boy has written, is writing, 
 or will write a play. 
 
 My drama was a highly moral one of the 
 sensational class. Blood-curdling, horrible, terri- 
 ble, savage, weird, human, fiendish, fascinating, 
 irresistible it was all that. I showed how, even 
 in this world, crime, treachery, and falsehood, 
 though triumphant for a time, must in the long 
 run have their day of reckoning. Never did a 
 modern Drury Lane audience see virtue more 
 triumphant and vice more utterly confounded 
 than the Parisians would have in my play, if 
 only the theatrical directors had not been so 
 stupid as to refuse my chef-cTceuvrc*
 
 4 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 For it was refused, inconceivable as it seemed 
 to me at the time. 
 
 The directors of French theatres are accus- 
 tomed to send criticisms of the plays which 
 " they regret to be unable to accept." 
 
 The criticism I received from the director of 
 the Ambigu Theatre was, I thought, highly en- 
 couraging. 
 
 "My play," it appeared, "showed no expe- 
 rience of the stage ; but it was full of well-con- 
 ceived scenes and happy mots, and was written 
 in excellent French. Horrors, however, were 
 too piled up, and I seemed to have forgotten 
 that spectators should be allowed time to take 
 breath and wipe away their tears." 
 
 I was finally advised not to kill all my dramatis 
 persona in my next dramatic production, as it 
 was customary for one of them to come forward 
 and announce the name of the author at the end 
 of the first performance. 
 
 Although this little bit of advice appeared to 
 me not altogether free from satire, there was in 
 the letter more praise than I had expected, and 
 I felt proud and happy. The letter was passed 
 round in the class-room, commented upon in 
 the playground, and I was so excited that I 
 can perfectly well remember how I forgot to 
 learn my repetition that day, and how I got 
 forty lines of the Ars Poetica to write out five 
 times.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 5 
 
 What a take-down, this imposition upon a 
 budding dramatic author ! 
 
 Examinations to prepare compelled me for 
 some time to postpone all idea of astonishing the 
 Paris playgoers with a " new and original " 
 drama. 
 
 I took my B.A. at the end of that year, and 
 my B.Sc. at the end of the following one. Three 
 years later I was leaving the military school with 
 the rank of sub-lieutenant. 
 
 My uniform was lovely ; and if I had only had 
 as much gold in my pockets as on my shoulders, 
 sleeves, and breast, I think I ought to have been 
 the happiest being on earth. 
 
 The proudest day of a young French officer's 
 life is the day on which he goes out in the street 
 for the first time with all his ironmongery on, 
 his moustache curled up, his cap on his right ear, 
 his sabre in his left hand. The soldiers he 
 meets salute him, the ladies seem to smile ap- 
 provingly upon him ; he feels like the conquer- 
 ing hero~of the day ; all is bright before him ; 
 battles only suggest to him victories and pro- 
 motions. 
 
 On the first day, his mother generally asks to 
 accompany him, and takes his arm. Which is 
 the prouder of the two ? the young warrior, full
 
 6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 of confidence and hope, or the dear old lady 
 who looks at the passers-by with an air that 
 says : " This is my son, ladies and gentlemen. 
 As for you, young ladies, he can't have all of 
 you, you know." 
 
 Poor young officer ! dear old mother ! They 
 little knew, in 1869, that in a few months 
 one would be lying in a military hospital on a 
 bed of torture, and the other would be wonder- 
 ing for five mortal months whether her dear and 
 only child was dead, or prisoner in some German 
 fortress. 
 
 On the i gth of July, 1870, my regiment left 
 Versailles for the Eastern frontier. 
 
 As in these pages I simply intend to say how 
 I came to make the acquaintance of English 
 school-boys, it would be out of place, if not some- 
 what pretentious, to make use of my recollections 
 of the Franco-Prussian War. 
 
 Yet I cannot pass over two episodes of those 
 troublous times. 
 
 I was twelve years of age when I struck up a 
 friendship with a young Pole, named Gajeski, 
 who was in the same class with me. We became 
 inseparable chums. Year after year we got pro- 
 moted at the same time. We took our degrees
 
 John Bull, Jr. ^ 
 
 on the same days, entered the military school in 
 the same year, and received our commissions in 
 the same regiment. 
 
 We took a small appartement de garfon at 
 Versailles, and I shall never forget the delightful 
 evenings we spent together while in garrison 
 there. He was a splendid violinist, and I was a 
 little of a pianist. 
 
 Short, fair, and almost beardless, Gajeski was 
 called the " Petit Lieutenant " by the soldiers, 
 who all idolized him. 
 
 At the battle of Worth, after holding our 
 ground from nine in the morning till five in the 
 evening, against masses of Prussian troops six 
 times as numerous as our own, we were ordered 
 to charge the enemy, with some other cavalry 
 regiments, in order to protect the retreat of the 
 bulk of the army. 
 
 A glance at the hill opposite convinced us 
 that we were ordered to go to certain death. 
 
 My dear friend grasped my hand, as he said 
 with a sad smile : " We shall be lucky if we get 
 our bones out of this, old fellow." 
 
 Down the hill we went like the wind, through 
 a shower of bullets and mitraille. Two minutes 
 later, about two-thirds of the regiment reached 
 the opposite ascent. We were immediately en- 
 gaged in a desperate hand-to-hand fight. A scene 
 of hellish confusion it was. But there, amidst the 
 awful din of battle, I heard Gajeski's death-cry, as
 
 8 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 he fell from his horse three or four yards from me, 
 and I saw a horrible gash on his fair young head. 
 
 The poor boy had paid France for the hos- 
 pitality she had extended to his father. 
 
 I fought like a madman, seeing nothing but 
 that dear mutilated face before my eyes. I say 
 " like a madman," for it was not through courage 
 or bravery. In zmelee you fight like a madman 
 like a savage. 
 
 I had no brother, but he had been more than a 
 brother to me. I had had no other companion 
 or friend, but he was a friend of a thousand. 
 
 Poor fellow ! * 
 
 * * 
 
 I had been in captivity in a stronghold on the 
 Rhine for five months, when the preliminaries of 
 peace were signed between France and Germany 
 in January, 1871, and the French prisoners 
 were sent back to their country. 
 
 About five hundred of us were embarked at 
 Hamburg on board one of the steamers of the 
 Compagnie Transatlantique, and landed at Cher- 
 bourg. 
 
 Finding myself near home, I immediately 
 asked the general in command of the district for 
 a few days' leave, to go and see my mother. 
 
 Since the day I had been taken prisoner at 
 Sedan (2d of September, 1870), I had not re- 
 ceived a single letter from her, as communica- 
 tions were cut off between the east and the west
 
 John Bull, Jr. 9 
 
 of France ; and I learned later on that she had 
 not received any of the numerous letters I had 
 written to her from Germany. 
 
 This part of Normandy had been fortunate 
 enough to escape the horrors of war, but, for 
 months,, the inhabitants had had to lodge sol- 
 diers and militia-men. 
 
 At five o'clock on a cold February morning, 
 clothed, or rather covered, in my dirty, half- 
 . ragged uniform, I rang the bell at my mother's 
 house. 
 
 Our old servant appeared at the attic window, 
 and inquired what I wanted. 
 
 " Open the door," I cried ; " I am dying of 
 cold." 
 
 " We can't lodge you here," she replied ; " we 
 have as many soldiers as we can accommodate 
 there is no room for you. Go to the Town Hall, 
 they will tell you we are full." 
 
 " Sapristi, my good Fanchette," I shouted, 
 " don't you know me ? How is mother ? " 
 
 " Ah ! It is Monsieur ! " she screamed. And 
 she rushed down, filling the house with her cries : 
 " Madame, madame, it is Monsieur ; yes, I have 
 seen him, lie has spoken to me, it is Monsieur." 
 
 A minute after I was in my mother's arms. 
 
 Was it a dream ? 
 
 She looked at me wildly, touching my head to 
 make sure I was at her side, in reality, alive ; 
 when she realized the truth she burst into tears,
 
 io John Bull, Jr. 
 
 and remained speechless for some time. Such 
 scenes are more easily imagined than described, 
 and I would rather leave it to the reader to sup- 
 ply all the exclamations and interrogations that 
 followed. 
 
 I could only spend two days at home, as my 
 regiment was being organized in Paris, and I had 
 to join it. 
 
 On the i8th of March, 1871, the people of 
 Paris, in possession of all the armament that had 
 been placed in their hands to defend the French 
 capital against the Prussians, proclaimed the 
 Commune, and, probably out of a habit just 
 lately got into by the French army, we retreated 
 to Versailles, leaving Paris at the mercy of the 
 Revolutionists. 
 
 This is not the place to account for this revo- 
 lution. 
 
 An explanation of it, which always struck me 
 as somewhat forcible, is the one given by a Com- 
 munist prisoner to a captain, a friend of mine, 
 who was at the time acting as juge (T instruction 
 to one of the Versailles courts-martial. 
 
 " Why did you join the Commune?" he asked 
 a young and intelligent-looking fellow who had 
 been taken prisoner behind some barricade. 
 
 " Well, captain, I can hardly tell you. We 
 were very excited in Paris ; in fact, off our heads
 
 John Bull, Jr. ir 
 
 with rage at having been unable to save Paris. 
 We had a considerable number of cannon and 
 ammunition, which we were not allowed to use 
 against the Prussians. We felt like a sportsman 
 who, after a whole day's wandering through the 
 country, has not had an opportunity of discharg- 
 ing his gun at any game, and who, out of spite, 
 shoots his dog, just to be able to say on return- 
 ing home that he had killed something." 
 
 On the i4th of April, 1871, my regiment re- 
 ceived the order to attack the Neuilly bridge, a 
 formidable position held by the Communists. 
 
 What the Prussians had not done some com- 
 patriot of mine succeeded in doing. I fell se- 
 verely wounded. 
 
 After my spending five months in the Ver- 
 sailles military hospital, and three more at home 
 in convalescence, the army surgeons declared 
 that I should no longer be able to use my right 
 arm for military purposes, and I was granted a 
 lieutenant's pension, which would have been 
 just sufficient to keep me in segars if I had been 
 a smoker. 
 
 But of this I do not complain. Poor France ! 
 she had enough to pay ! 
 
 At the end of the year of grace, 1871, my posi-
 
 12 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 tion was very much like that of my beloved 
 country : all seemed lost, fors I'honneur. 
 
 Through my friends, however, I was soon 
 offered a choice between two "social positions." 
 
 The first was a colonel's commission in the 
 Egyptian army (it seemed that the state of my 
 right arm was no objection). 
 
 I was to draw a very good salary. My friends 
 in Cairo, however, warned me that salaries were 
 not always paid very regularly, but sometimes 
 allowed to run on till cash came into the Treas- 
 ury. It was during the good times of Ismail 
 Pacha. This made me a little suspicious that my 
 salary might run on so fast that I should not be 
 able to catch it. 
 
 The other post offered me was that of London 
 correspondent to an important Parisian news- 
 paper. 
 
 I had had enough of military " glory " by this 
 time. Yet the prospect of an adventurous life is 
 always more or less fascinating at twenty-three 
 years of age. 
 
 Being the only child of a good widowed 
 mother, I thought I would take her valuable 
 advice on the subject. 
 
 I am fortunate in having a mother full of 
 common sense. With her French provincial 
 ideas, she was rather startled to hear that a dis-
 
 John Bull, Jr. 13 
 
 abled lieutenant could all at once become an 
 active colonel. She thought that somehow the 
 promotion was too rapid. 
 
 Alas ! she, too, had had enough of military 
 "glory." 
 
 Her advice was to be followed, for it was 
 formulated thus: "You speak English pretty 
 well ; we have a good many friends in 
 England ; accept the humbler offer, and go to 
 England to earn an honest living." 
 
 This is how I was not with Arabi Pacha on 
 the wrong side at Tel-el-Kebir, and how it 
 became my lot to make one day the acquaint- 
 ance of the British school-boy of whom I shall 
 have more to say by-and-by. 
 
 On the 8th of July, 1872, I took the London 
 train at the Gare du Nord, Paris. 
 
 Many relations and friends came to the station 
 to see me off. Some had been in England, some 
 had read books on England, but all seemed to 
 know a great deal about it. Advice, cautions, 
 suggestions, were poured into my ears. 
 
 "Be sure you go and see Madame Tussaud's 
 to-morrow," said one. 
 
 " Now," said another, " when you get to Char- 
 ing Cross, don't fail to try and catch hold of a
 
 14 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 fellow-passenger's coat, and hold fast till you 
 get to your hotel. The fog is so thick in the 
 evening that the lamp-lights are of no use, you 
 know." 
 
 All information is valuable when you start for 
 a foreign country. But I could not listen to 
 more. Time was up. 
 
 I shook hands with my friends and kissed my 
 relations, including an uncle and two cousins of 
 the sterner sex. This will sound strange to 
 English or American ears. Well, it sounds just 
 as strange to mine, now. 
 
 I do not know that a long residence in Eng- 
 land has greatly improved me (though my 
 English friends say it has), but what I do know 
 is, that I could not now kiss a man, even if he 
 were a bequeathing uncle ready to leave me all 
 his money.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 15 
 
 II. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A FRENCHMAN 
 IN SEARCH OF A SOCIAL POSITION IN ENGLAND. 
 
 ARRIVAL AT CHARING CROSS. I HAVE NOTHING TO 
 DECLARE TO THE EXCISEMAN BUT Low SPIRITS. DIF- 
 FICULTY IN FINDING A GOOD RESIDENCE. BOARD AND 
 LODGING. A HOUSE WITH CREEPERS. THINGS LOOK 
 BAD. THINGS LOOK WORSE. THINGS LOOK CHEER- 
 FUL. 
 
 8/// July, 1872. 
 
 8.30 P.M. Landed at Folkestone. The Lon- 
 don train is ready. The fog is very thick. I 
 expected as much. My English traveling com- 
 panions remark on it, and exclaim that " this is 
 most unusual weather." This makes me smile. 
 
 10.15 p - M - The train crosses the Thames. 
 We are in London. This is not my station, how- 
 ever, I am told. The train restarts almost immedi- 
 ately, and crosses the river again. Perhaps it 
 takes me back to Paris. Hallo! how strange! 
 the train crosses another river.
 
 1 6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 " This is a town very much like Amsterdam," 
 I say to my neighbor. 
 
 He explains to me the round taken by the 
 South-Eastern trains from Cannon Street to 
 Charing Cross. 
 
 10.25 P. M. Charing Cross! At last, here I 
 am. The luggage is on the platform. I recog- 
 nize my trunk and portmanteau. 
 
 A tall official addresses me in a solemn tone : 
 
 " Have you any thing to declare ? " 
 
 "Not any thing." 
 
 "No segars, tobacco, spirits?" 
 
 " No segars, no tobacco." 
 
 My spirits were so low that I thought it was 
 useless to mention them. 
 
 In France, in spite of this declaration of 
 mine, my luggage would have been turned inside 
 out. The sturdy Briton takes my word* and 
 dismisses my luggage with: 
 
 " All right. Take it away." 
 
 1 1 P. M. I alight at an hotel near the Strand. 
 A porter comes to take my belongings. 
 
 "I want a bedroom for the night," I say. 
 
 " Trh bien, monsieur." 
 
 He speaks French. The hotel is French, too, 
 I see. 
 
 * Things have changed in England since the dynamite 
 scare.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 17 
 
 After a wash and brush-up, I come down to 
 the dining-room for a little supper. 
 
 I do not like the look of the company. 
 
 They may be French, and this is a testimo- 
 nial in their favor, but I am afraid it is the only 
 one. 
 
 Three facetious bagmen exercise their wit by 
 puzzling the waiter with low French slang. 
 
 I think I will remove from here to-morrow. 
 
 I go to my bedroom, and try to open the win- 
 dow and have a look at the street. I discover 
 the trick. 
 
 How like guillotines are these English win- 
 dows ! 
 
 I pull up the bottom part of mine, and look 
 out. This threatening thing about my neck 
 makes me uncomfortable. I withdraw. 
 
 English windows are useful, no doubt, but it is 
 evident that the people of this country do not 
 use them to look out in the street and have a 
 quiet chat a la frangaise. 
 
 Probably the climate would not allow it. 
 
 qth July, 1872. 
 
 A friend comes to see me. He shares my 
 opinion of the French hotel, and will look for a
 
 1 8 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 comfortable apartment in an English house for 
 me. We breakfast together, and I ask him a 
 thousand questions. 
 
 He knows every thing, it seems, and I gather 
 valuable information rapidly. 
 
 He prepares a programme of sight-seeing 
 which it will take me a good many days to 
 work through. 
 
 The weather is glorious. 
 
 My boxes are packed and ready to be re- 
 moved to-night, I hope. 
 
 Will pay my first visit to the British Museum. 
 
 I hail a cab in Regent Circus. 
 
 " Is the British Museum far from here ? " I cry 
 to the man seated on a box behind. 
 
 " No, sir ; I will take you there for a shilling," 
 he replies. 
 
 "Oh ! thank you ; I think I will walk then." 
 
 Cabby retires muttering a few sentences unin- 
 telligible to me. Only one word constantly 
 occurring in his harangue can I remember. 
 
 I open my pocket-dictionary. 
 
 Good heavens ! What have I said to the man ? 
 What has he taken me for? Have I used words 
 conveying to his mind any intention of mine to 
 take his precious life? Do I look ferocious? 
 Why did he repeatedly call me sanguinaire f 
 Must have this mystery cleared up.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 19 
 
 loth July, 1872. 
 
 An English friend sets my mind at rest about 
 the little event of yesterday. He informs me 
 that the adjective in question carries no mean- 
 ing. It is simply a word that the lower classes 
 have to place before each substantive they use 
 in order to be able to understand each other. 
 
 nth July, 1872. 
 
 Have taken apartments in the neighborhood 
 of Baker Street. My landlady, qui frise ses che- 
 veux et la cinquantaine, enjoys the name of 
 Tribble. She is a plump, tidy, and active-look- 
 ing little woman. 
 
 On the door there is a plate, with the inscrip- 
 tion, 
 
 " J. Tribble, General Agent." 
 
 Mr. Tribble, it seems, is not very much en- 
 gaged in business. 
 
 At home he makes himself useful. 
 
 It was this gentleman, more or less typical 
 in London, whom I had in my mind's eye as 
 I once wrote : 
 
 " The English social failure of the male sex 
 not unfrequently entitles himself General Agent : 
 this is the last straw he clutches at ; if it should 
 break, he sinks, and is heard of no more, unless
 
 2O John ull, Jr. 
 
 his wife come to the rescue, by setting up a 
 lodging-house or a boarding-school for young 
 ladies. There, once more in smooth water, he 
 wields the blacking-brush, makes acquaintance 
 with the knife-board, or gets in the provisions. 
 In allowing himself to be kept by his wife, he 
 feels he loses some dignity ; but if she should 
 adopt any airs of superiority over him, he can 
 always bring her to a sense of duty by beating 
 her." 
 
 \2th July, 1872. 
 
 Mr. Tribble helps take up my trunks. On my 
 way to bed my landlady informs me that her 
 room adjoins mine, and if I need any thing in 
 the night I have only to ask for it. 
 
 This landlady will be a mother to me, I can 
 see. 
 
 The bed reminds me of a night I passed in a 
 cemetery, during the Commune, sleeping on a 
 gravestone. I turn and toss, unable to get any 
 rest. 
 
 Presently I had the misfortune to hit my el- 
 bow against the mattress. 
 
 A knock at the door. 
 
 " Who is there ? " I cry. 
 
 " Can I get you any thing, sir ? I hope you
 
 John Bull, Jr. 21 
 
 are not ill," says a voice which I recognize as 
 that of my landlady. 
 
 " No, why ? " 
 
 ' I thought you knocked, sir." 
 
 " No. Oh ! I knocked my elbow against the 
 iruittress." 
 
 " Ah ! that's it. I beg your pardon." 
 
 I shall be well attended here, at all events. 
 
 13/7* July, 1872. 
 
 The table here is not recherchd '; but twelve 
 months' campaigning have made me tolerably 
 easy to please. 
 
 What would not the poor Parisians have given, 
 during the Siege in 1870, for some of Mrs. Trib- 
 ble's obdurate poultry and steaks ! 
 
 igth July, 1872. 
 
 I ask Mrs. Tribble for my bill. 
 I received it immediately ; it is a short and 
 comprehensive one : 
 
 *. d. 
 
 Board and Lodging -55 
 Sundries - - - i 13 6 
 
 Total - 6 1 8 6
 
 22 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 I can understand "lodging"; but "board" 
 is a new word to me. I like to know what it is 
 I have to pay for, and I open my dictionary. 
 
 "Board (subst.),//a^<r." 
 
 P lane he ! Why does the woman charge me 
 for a planche ? Oh ! I have it that's the bed, 
 of course. 
 
 My dictionary does not enlighten me on the 
 subject of "Sundries." 
 
 I make a few observations to Mrs. Tribble on 
 the week's bill. This lady explains to me that 
 she has had great misfortunes, that Tribble 
 hardly does any work, and does not contribute 
 a penny toward the household expenses. When 
 he has done a little stroke of business, he takes 
 a holiday, and only reappears when his purse is 
 empty. 
 
 I really cannot undertake to keep Tribble in 
 dolce far nientc, and I give Mrs. Tribble notice 
 to leave. 
 
 2oth July, 1872. 
 
 9 A.M. I read in this morning's paper the fol- 
 lowing advertisement : 
 
 " Residence, with or without board, for a gen- 
 tleman, in a healthy suburb of London. Charm- 
 ing house, with creepers, large garden ; cheerful 
 home. Use of piano, etc."
 
 John Bull, Jr. 23 
 
 " Without board " is what I want. Must go 
 and see the place. 
 
 6 P.M. I have seen the house with creepers, 
 and engaged a bedroom and sitting-room. Will 
 go there to-night. My bed is provided with a 
 spring mattress. Won't I sleep to-night, that's 
 all! 
 
 2\st July, 1872. 
 
 I remove my goods and chattels from the 
 charming house. I found the creepers were in- 
 side. 
 
 It will take me a long time to understand 
 English, I am afraid. 
 
 St/i August, 1872. 
 
 I examine my financial position. I came to 
 England with fifty pounds ; have been here 
 thirty days, and have lived at the rate of a pound 
 a day. My money will last me only twenty days 
 longer. This seems to be a simple application 
 of the rule of three. 
 
 The thought that most Lord-Mayors have 
 come to London with only half-a-crown in their 
 pockets comforts me. Still I grow reflective.
 
 24 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 2$th September, 1872. 
 
 I can see that the fee I receive for the weekly 
 letter I send to my Parisian paper will not suf- 
 fice to keep me. Good living is expensive in 
 London. Why should I not reduce my expenses, 
 and at the same time improve my English by 
 teaching French in an English school as resident 
 master ? This would enable me to wait and see 
 what turn events will take. 
 
 I have used my letters of recommendation as 
 a means of obtaining introductions in society, 
 and my pride will not let me make use of them 
 again for business. 
 
 I will disappear for a time. When my English 
 is more reliable, perhaps an examination will 
 open the door of some good berth to me. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 yd October, 1872. 
 
 Received this morning an invitation to be 
 present at a meeting of the Teachers' Associa- 
 tion. 
 
 Came with a friend to the Society of Arts, 
 where the meeting is held in a beautiful hall, 
 and presided over by Canon Barry. 
 
 What a graceful and witty speaker ! 
 
 He addresses to private school masters a few 
 words on their duty.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 25 
 
 "Yours," he says, "is not only a profession, it 
 is a vocation, I had almost said a ministry " 
 (hear, hear), "and the last object of yours 
 should be to make money." 
 
 This last sentence is received with rapturous 
 applause. The chairman has evidently ex- 
 pressed the feeling of the audience. 
 
 The Canon seems to enjoy himself immensely. 
 
 Beautiful sentiments ! I say to myself. Who 
 will henceforth dare say before me, in France, 
 that England is not a disinterested nation ? Yes, 
 I will be a schoolmaster ; it is a noble profes- 
 sion. 
 
 A discussion takes place on the merits of 
 private schools. A good deal of abuse is in- 
 dulged in at the expense of the public schools. 
 
 I inquire of my friend the reason why. 
 
 My friend is a sceptic. He says that the pub- 
 lic schools are overflowing with boys, and that 
 if they did not exist, many of these private 
 school masters would make their fortune. 
 
 I bid him hold his wicked tongue. He ought 
 to be ashamed of himself. 
 
 The meeting is over. The orators, with their 
 speeches in their hands, besiege the press 
 reporters' table. I again apply to my friend for 
 the explanation of this. 
 
 He tells me that these gentlemen are trying to 
 persuade the reporters to insert their speeches 
 in their notes, in the hope that they will be
 
 ^6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 reproduced in to-morrow's papers, and thus 
 advertise their names and schools. 
 
 My friend is incorrigible. I will ask him no 
 more questions. 
 
 4th October, 1872. 
 
 There will be some people disappointed this 
 morning, if I am to believe what my friend said 
 yesterday. I have just read the papers. Under 
 the heading " Meeting of the Teachers' Associa- 
 tion," 1 see a long report of yesterday's proceed- 
 ings at the Society of Arts. Canon Barry's 
 speech alone is reproduced. 
 
 24/>$ May, 1873. 
 
 For many months past, M. Thiers has carried 
 the Government with his resignation already 
 signed in his frockcoat pocket. 
 
 "Gentlemen," he has been wont to say in the 
 Houses of Parliament, " such is my policy. If 
 you do not approve it, you know that I do not 
 cling to power ; my resignation is here in my 
 pocket, and I am quite ready to lay it on the 
 table if you refuse me a vote of confidence."
 
 John Bull, Jr. 27 
 
 thought that he would use this 
 weapon once too often. 
 
 A letter, just received from Paris, brings me 
 the news of his overthrow and the proclamation 
 of Marshal MacMahon as President of the 
 Republic. 
 
 2&th May, 1873. 
 
 The editor of the French paper, of which I 
 have been the London correspondent for a few 
 months, sends me a check, with the sad intelli- 
 gence that one of the first acts of the new Gov- 
 ernment has been to suppress our paper. 
 
 Things are taking a gloomy aspect, and no 
 mistake. 
 
 \zth June, 1873. 
 
 To return to France at once would be a 
 retreat, a defeat. I will not leave England, at 
 any rate, before I can speak English correctly 
 and fluently. I could manage this when a 
 child ; it ought not to take me very long to be 
 able to do the same now. 
 
 I pore over the Times educational advertise- 
 ments every day. 
 
 Have left my name with two scholastic agents.
 
 28 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 2$fh June, 1873. 
 
 I have put my project into execution, and 
 engaged myself in a school in Somersetshire. 
 
 The post is not a brilliant one, but I am told 
 that the country is pretty, my duties light, and 
 that I shall have plenty of time for reading. 
 
 I buy a provision of English books, and mean 
 to work hard. 
 
 In the mean time, I write to my friends in 
 France that I am getting on swimmingly. 
 
 I have always been of the opinion that you 
 should run the risk of exciting the envy rather 
 than the pity of your friends, when you have 
 made up your mind not to apply to them for a 
 five-pound note. 
 
 (M , Somerset.) zd August, 1873. 
 
 Arrived here yesterday. Find I am the only 
 master, and expected to make myself generally 
 useful. My object is to practice my English, and 
 I am prepared to overlook many annoyances. 
 
 Woke up this (Sunday) morning feeling pains 
 all over. Compared to this, my bed at Mrs. 
 Tribble's was one of roses. I look round. In 
 the corner I see a small washstand. A chair, a 
 looking-glass six inches square hung on the 
 wall, and my trunk, make up the furniture.
 
 John Hull, Jr. 29 
 
 I open the window. It is raining a thick, 
 drizzling rain. Not a soul in the road. A most 
 solemn, awful solitude. Horrible ! I make 
 haste to dress. From a little cottage, on the 
 other side of the road, the plaintive sounds of 
 a harmonium reach me. I sit on my bed and 
 look at my watch. Half an hour to wait for my 
 breakfast. The desolate room, this outlook from 
 the window, the whole accompanied by the hymn 
 on the harmonium, are enough to drive me mad. 
 Upon my word, I believe I feel the corner of 
 my eye wet. Cheer up, boy ! No doubt this is 
 awful, but better times will come. Good heav- 
 ens ! You are not banished from France. With 
 what pleasure your friends will welcome you 
 back in Paris ! In nine hours, for a few shillings, 
 you can be on the Boulevards. 
 
 Breakfast is ready. It consists of tea and 
 bread and butter, the whole honored by the pres- 
 ence of Mr. and Mrs. R. I am told that I am 
 to take the boys to church. I should have much 
 preferred to go alone. 
 
 On the way to church we met three young 
 ladies the Squire's daughters, the boys tell me. 
 They look at me with a kind of astonishment 
 that seems to me mixed with scorn. This is 
 probably my fancy. Every body I meet seems 
 to be laughing at me.
 
 30 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 2oM August, 1873. 
 
 Am still at M., teaching a little French and 
 learning a good deal of English. 
 
 Mrs. R. expresses her admiration for my fine 
 linen, and my wardrobe is a wonder to her. 
 From her remarks, I can see she has taken a 
 peep inside my trunk. 
 
 Received this morning a letter from a friend 
 in Paris. The dear fellow is very proud of his 
 noble ancestors, and his notepaper and envelopes 
 are ornamented with his crest and crown. The 
 letter is handed to me by Mrs. R., who at the 
 same time throws a significant glance at her hus- 
 band. I am a mysterious person in her eyes, 
 that is evident. She expresses her respect by 
 discreetly placing a boiled egg on my plate at 
 breakfast. This is an improvement, and I return 
 thanks in petto to my noble friend in Paris. 
 
 22nd August, 1873. 
 
 Whatever may be Mr. R.'s shortcomings, he 
 knows how to construct a well-filled time-table. 
 
 I rise at six. 
 
 From half-past six to eight I am in the class- 
 room seeing that the boys prepare their lessons. 
 
 At eight I partake of a frugal breakfast.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 31 
 
 From half-past eight till half-past nine I take 
 the boys for a walk. 
 
 From half-past nine till one I teach more sub- 
 jects than I feel competent to do, but I give 
 satisfaction. 
 
 At one I dine. 
 
 At five minutes to two I take a bell, and go 
 in the fields, ringing as hard as I can to call the 
 boys in. 
 
 From two to four I teach more subjects than 
 (I said that before). 
 
 After tea I take the boys for a second walk. 
 
 My evenings are mine, and I dtvote them to 
 study. 
 
 2yd August, 1873. 
 
 Mr. R. proposes that I should teach two or 
 three new subjects. I am ready to comply 
 with his wishes ; but I sternly refuse to teach 
 la valse & trots temps. 
 
 He advises me to cane the boys. This also I 
 refuse to do. 
 
 i$th September, 1873. 
 I cannot stand this life any longer. I will
 
 3^ John Bull, Jr. 
 
 return to France if things do not take a brighter 
 turn. 
 
 I leave Mr. R. and his " Dotheboys Hall." 
 
 At the station I meet the clergyman. He had 
 more than once spoken to me a few kind words. 
 He asks me where I am going. 
 
 " To London, and to Paris next, I hope," I 
 reply. 
 
 " Are you in a hurry to go back?" 
 
 " Not particularly ; but " 
 
 " Well, will you do my wife and myself the 
 pleasure of spending a few days with us at the 
 Vicarage? We shall be delighted if you will." 
 
 " With all my heart." 
 
 2$th September, 1873. 
 
 Have spent a charming week at the Vicarage 
 a lovely country-house, where for the first time 
 I have seen what real English life is. 
 
 I have spoken to my English friend of my 
 prospects, and he expresses his wonder that I 
 do not make use of the letters of recommenda- 
 tion that I possess, as they would be sure to 
 secure a good position for me. 
 
 " Are not important posts given by examina- 
 tion in this country?" I exclaimed. 
 
 But he informs me that such is not the
 
 John Bull, Jr. 33 
 
 case ; that these posts are given, at elections, 
 to the candidates who are bearers of the best 
 testimonials. 
 
 The information is most valuable, and I will 
 act upon my friend's advice. 
 
 My visit has been as pleasant as it has been 
 useful. 
 
 \2th January, 1874. 
 
 A vacancy occurred lately in one of the great 
 public schools. I sent in my application, ac- 
 companied by my testimonials. 
 
 Have just received an official intimation that 
 I am elected head-master of the French school 
 at St. Paul's. 
 
 i^th January, 1874. 
 
 One piece of good luck never comes alone. 
 I am again appointed London correspondent 
 to one of the principal Paris papers. 
 Allans, me voila sauvt !
 
 34 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 III. 
 
 I MAKE THE ACQUAINTANCE OF PUBLIC SCHOOL BOYS- 
 'WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY." AN AWFUL 
 MOMENT. A SIMPLE THEORY. I SCORE A SUCCESS. 
 
 I AM not quite sure that the best qualification 
 for a schoolmaster is to have been a very good 
 boy. 
 
 I never had great admiration for very good 
 boys. I always suspected, when they were too 
 good, that there was something wrong. 
 
 When I was at school, and my master would 
 go in for the recitation of the litany of all the 
 qualities and virtues he possessed when a boy 
 how good, how dutiful, how obedient, how in- 
 dustrious he was I would stare at him, and 
 think to myself : How glad that man must be he 
 is no longer a boy ! 
 
 " No, my dear little fellows, your master was 
 just like you when he was mamma's little boy. 
 He shirked his work whenever he could ; he 
 used to romp and tear his clothes if he had a 
 chance, and was far from being too good for this
 
 John Bull, Jr. 35 
 
 world ; and if he was not all that, well, I am only 
 sorry for him, that's all." 
 
 I believe that the man who thoroughly knows 
 all the resources of the mischievous little army 
 he has to fight and rule is better qualified and 
 prepared for the struggle. 
 
 We have in French an old proverb that says : 
 " It's no use trying to teach an old monkey how 
 to make faces." 
 
 The best testimonial in favor of a school- 
 master is that the boys should be able to say of 
 him : " It's no use trying this or that with him ; 
 he always knows what we are up to." 
 
 How is he to know what his pupils are " up to " 
 if he has not himself been "up to" the same 
 tricks and games ? 
 
 The base of all strategy is the perfect know- 
 ledge of all the roads of the country in which 
 you wage war. 
 
 To be well up in all the ways and tricks of boys 
 is to be aware of all the moves of the enemy. 
 
 It is an awful moment when, for the first time, 
 you take your seat in front of forty pairs of
 
 36 Jolin Bull, Jr. 
 
 bright eyes that are fixed upon you, and seem to 
 say: 
 
 " Well, what shall it be ? Do you think you 
 can keep us in order, or are we going to let you 
 have a lively time of it ? " 
 
 All depends on this terrible moment. Your 
 life will be one of comfort, and even happiness, 
 or one of utter wretchedness. 
 
 Strike the first blow and win, or you will soon 
 learn that if you do not get the better of the 
 lively crew they will surely get the better of you. 
 
 I was prepared for the baptism of fire. 
 
 I even had a little theory that had once ob- 
 tained for me the good graces of a head-master. 
 
 This gentleman informed me that the poor 
 fellow I was going to replace had shot himself 
 in despair of being ever able to keep his boys in 
 order, and he asked me what I thought of it. 
 
 "Well," I unhesitatingly answered, "I would 
 have shot the boys." 
 
 " Right ! " he exclaimed ; " you are my man." 
 
 If, as I strongly suspected from certain early 
 reminiscences, to have been a mischievous boy 
 was a qualification for being a good school- 
 master, I thought I ought to make a splendid 
 one.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 37 
 
 The result of my first interview with British 
 boys was that we understood each other per- 
 fectly. We were to make a happy family. That 
 was settled in a minute by a few glances at each 
 other.
 
 38 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 IV. 
 
 THK " GENUS " BOY. THE ONLY ONE I OBJECT To. 
 WHAT BOYS WORK FOR. 
 
 BOYS lose their charm when they get fifteen or 
 sixteen years of age. The clever ones, no doubt, 
 become more interesting to the teacher, but they 
 no longer belong to the genus boy that you love 
 for his very defects as much as for his good 
 qualities. 
 
 I call "boys" that delightful, lovable race of 
 young scamps from eleven to fourteen years old. 
 At that age all have redeeming points, and all 
 are lovable. I never objected to any, except 
 perhaps to those who aimed at perfection, espe- 
 cially the ones who were successful in their 
 efforts. 
 
 For my part, I like a boy with a redeeming 
 fault or two. 
 
 By " boys " I mean little fellows who manage, 
 after a game of football, to get their right arm 
 out of order, that they may be excused writing 
 their exercises for a week or so ; who do not
 
 John Bull, Jr. 39 
 
 work because they have an examination to pre- 
 pare, but because you offer them an inducement 
 to do so, whether in the shape of rewards, or 
 maybe something less pleasant you may keep in 
 your cupboard.
 
 40 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 SCHOOL BOYS I HAVE MET. PROMISING BRITONS. 
 SLY-BOOTS. Too GOOD FOR THIS WORLD. "No, 
 THANKS, WE MAKES IT." FRENCH DICTIONARIKS. 
 A NAUGHTY BOY. MOTHERS' PETS. DIRTY BUT 
 BEAUTIFUL. JOHN BULLY. HIGH COLLARS AND 
 BRAINS. DICTATION AND ITS TRIALS. Nor TO BE 
 TAKEN IN. UNLUCKY BOYS. THE USE OF Two 
 EARS. A BOY WITH ONE IDEA. MASTER WHIRL- 
 IGIG. THE INFLUENCE OF ATHLETICS. A GOOD 
 SITUATION. A SHREWD BOY OF BUSINESS. MASTER 
 ALGERNON CADWALADR SMYTH, AND OTHER TYPICAL 
 SCHOOLBOYS. 
 
 MASTER JOHNNY BULL is a good little boy 
 who sometimes makes slips in his exercises, but 
 mistakes never. 
 
 He occasionally forgets his lesson, but he 
 always "knows" it. 
 
 " Do you know your lesson ? " you will ask him. 
 
 " Yes, sir," he will reply. 
 
 " But you can't say it." 
 
 " Please, sir, I forget it now." 
 
 Memory is his weak point. He has done his 
 best, whatever the result may be. Last night he 
 knew his lesson perfectly ; the proof is that he
 
 John Bull, Jr. 41 
 
 said it to his mother, and that the excellent lady 
 told him he knew it very well. Again this 
 morning, as he was in the train coming to school, 
 he repeated it to himself, and he did not make 
 one mistake. He knows he didn't. 
 
 If he has done but two sentences of his home 
 work, " he is afraid " he has not quite finished 
 his exercise. 
 
 " But, my dear boy, you have written but two 
 sentences." 
 
 " Is that all ? " he will inquire. 
 
 " That is all." 
 
 " Please, sir, I thought I had done more than 
 that." And he looks at it on all sides, turns it 
 to the right, to the left, upside down ; he reads 
 it forwards, he reads it backwards. No use ; he 
 can't make it out. 
 
 All at once, however, he will remember that 
 he had a bad headache last night, or maybe a 
 bilious attack. 
 
 The bilious attack is to the English schoolboy 
 whatthew/^nw/^is to the dear ladies of France: 
 a good maid-of-all-work. 
 
 Sometimes my young hero brings no exercise 
 at all. It has slipped, in the train, from the
 
 42 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 book in which he had carefully placed it, or there 
 is a crack in his locker, and the paper slipped 
 through. You order excavations to be made, 
 and the exercise has vanished like magic. 
 Johnny wonders. 
 
 " Perhaps the mice ate it ! " you are wicked 
 enough to suggest. 
 
 This makes him smile and blush. He gene- 
 rally collapses before a remark like this. 
 
 But if he has a good excuse, behold him ! 
 
 " I could not do my exercise last night," said 
 to me 6ne day a young Briton. It was evident 
 from his self-satisfied and confident assurance 
 that he had a good answer ready for my in- 
 quiry. 
 
 " You couldn't," I said ; " why ? " 
 
 " Please, sir, grandmamma died last night ! " 
 
 " Oh ! did she ? Well, well I hope this won't 
 happen again." 
 
 This put me in mind of the boy who, being 
 reproached for his many mistakes in his transla- 
 tion, pleaded : 
 
 " Please, sir, it isn't my fault. Papa will 
 help me." 
 
 ~An English schoolboy never tells stories 
 never. 
 
 A mother once brought her little son to the 
 head-master of a great public school.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 43 
 
 " I trust my son will do honor to the school," 
 she said ; " he is a good, industrious, clever, and 
 trustworthy boy. He never told a story in his 
 life." 
 
 " Oh ! madam, boys never do," replied the 
 head-master. 
 
 The lady left, somewhat indignant. Did the 
 remark amount to her statement being disbelieved, 
 or to an affirmation that her boy was no better 
 than other boys ? 
 
 Of course every mother is apt to think that her 
 Johnny or Jenny is nature's highest utterance. 
 But for blind, unreasoning adoration, commend 
 me to a fond grandmamma. 
 
 The first time I took my child on a visit to my 
 mother in dear old Brittany, grandmamma re- 
 ceived compliments enough on the subject of the 
 " lovely petite blonde " to turn her head. But 
 it did not want much turning, I must say. One 
 afternoon, my wife was sitting with Miss Baby 
 on her lap, and grandmamma, after devouring 
 the child with her eyes for a few moments, said 
 to us: 
 
 " You are two very sensible parents. Some 
 people are so absurd about their babies ! Take 
 Madame T., for instance. She was here this 
 morning, and really, to hear her talk, one would
 
 44 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 think that child of hers was an angel of beauty 
 that there never was such another." 
 
 "Well, but, grandmamma," said my wife, 
 "you know yourself that you are forever dis- 
 coursing of the matchless charms of our baby to 
 your friends." 
 
 " Ah ! " cried the dear old lady, as serious as 
 a judge ; " but that's quite different ; in our case 
 it's all true." 
 
 If you ever hope to find the British school- 
 boy at fault, your life will be a series of disap- 
 pointments. Judge for yourself. 
 
 I (once) : " Well, Brown, you bring no exer- 
 cise this morning. How is that ?" 
 
 PROMISING BRITON : " Please, sir, you said 
 yesterday that we were to do the lyth exercise." 
 
 I (inquiringly) : " Well?" 
 
 P. B. (looking sad) : " Please, sir, Jones said 
 to me, last night, that it was the i8th exercise we 
 were to do." 
 
 I (surprised) : " But, my dear boy, you do not 
 bring me any exercise at all." 
 
 P. B. (looking good) : " Please, sir, I was 
 afraid to do the wrong one." 
 
 Dear, dear child ! the thought of doing wrong 
 but once was too much for him ! I shall always 
 have it heavy on my conscience to have rewarded
 
 John Bull, Jr. 45 
 
 this boy's love of what is right by calling upon 
 him to write out each of those exercises five 
 times. 
 
 That thick-necked boy, whom you see there 
 on the front row aiming at looking very good, 
 and whom his schoolfellows are wicked and dis- 
 respectful enough to surname " Potted Angel," 
 is sad and sour. His eyes are half open, his 
 tongue seems to fill his mouth, and to speak, or 
 rather to jerk out the words, he has to let it hang 
 out. His mouth moves sideways like that of a 
 ruminant ; you would imagine he was masticat- 
 ing a piece of tough steak. He blushes, and 
 never looks at you, except on the sly, with an 
 uncomfortable grin, when your head is turned 
 away. It seems to give him pain to swallow, and 
 you would think he was suffering from some in- 
 ternal complaint. 
 
 This, perhaps, can be explained. The con- 
 science lies just over the stomach, if I am to 
 trust boys when they say they put their hands on 
 their conscience. Let this conscience be 
 heavily loaded, and there you have the explana- 
 tion of the grumbling ailment that disturbs the 
 boy in the lower regions of his anatomy. 
 
 To be good is all right, but you must not over- 
 do it. This boy is beyond competition, a stand- 
 ing reproach, an insult to the rest of the class.
 
 46 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 You are sorry to hear, on asking him what he 
 intends to be, that he means to be a missionary. 
 His face alone will be worth ,500 a year in the 
 profession. Thinking that I have prepared this 
 worthy for missionary work, I feel, when asked 
 what I think of missionaries, like the jam- 
 maker's little boy who is offered jam and declines, 
 pleading : 
 
 " No, thanks we makes it." 
 
 I have great respect for missionaries, but I 
 have always strongly objected to boys who make 
 up their minds to be missionaries before they are 
 twelve years old. 
 
 Some good, straightforward boys are wholly 
 destitute of humor. One of them had once to 
 put into French the following sentence of Charles 
 Dickens : " Mr. Squeers had but one eye, and 
 the popular prejudice runs in favor of two." 
 He said he could not put this phrase into 
 French, because he did not know what it meant 
 in English. 
 
 " Surely, sir," he said to me, " it is not a prej- 
 udice to prefer two eyes to one." 
 
 This boy was wonderfully good at facts, and 
 his want of humor did not prevent him from 
 coming out of Cambridge senior classic, after
 
 John Bull, Jr. 47 
 
 successfully taking his B.A. and M.A. in the 
 University of London. 
 
 This young man, I hear, is also going to be a 
 missionary. The news goes far to reconcile me 
 to the noble army of John Bull's colonizing 
 agents, but I doubt whether the heathen will 
 ever get much entertainment out of him. 
 
 Some boys can grasp grammatical facts and 
 succeed in writing a decent piece of French; 
 but, through want of literary perception, they 
 will give you a sentence that will make you feel 
 proud of them until you reach the end, when, 
 bang ! the last word will have the effect of a 
 terrible bump on your nose. 
 
 A boy of this category had to translate this 
 other sentence of Dickens :* " She went back 
 to her own room, and tried to prepare herself 
 for bed. But who could sleep ? Sleep ! " f 
 
 * " The Old Curiosity Shop." 
 
 f Here I have to make a painful confession. I have 
 actually acceded to a request from my American publishers, 
 men wholly destitute of humor, to supply the reader with a 
 translation of the few French sentences used in this little 
 volume. This monument of my weakness will be found at 
 the end.
 
 48 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 His translation ran thus : " Elle se retira dans 
 sa chambre, et fit ses preparatifs pour se coucher. 
 Mais qui aurait pu dormir? Sotnmeil!" 
 
 I caught that boy napping one day. 
 
 " Vous dorrnez, mon ami ? . . . Sommeil, eh ? " 
 I cried. 
 
 The remark was enjoyed. There is so much 
 charity in the hearts of boys ! 
 
 Another boy had to translate a piece of Car- 
 lyle's " French Revolution " : " ' Their heads 
 shall fall within a fortnight,' croaks the people's 
 
 friend (Marat), clutching his tablets to write 
 
 Charlotte Corday has drawn her knife from the 
 sheath ; plunges it, with one sure stroke, into 
 the writer's heart." 
 
 The end of this powerful sentence ran thus in 
 the translation : " Charlotte Corday a tire son 
 poignard de la gaine, et d'une main sure, elle le 
 plonge dans le coeur de cdui qui ecrivait." 
 
 When I remonstrated with the dear fellow, he 
 pulled his dictionary out of his desk, and tri- 
 umphantly pointed out to me : 
 
 " WRITER (substantive), celui qui tcrit." 
 
 And all the time his look seemed to say : 
 
 " What do you think of that ? You may be a 
 very clever man ; but surely you do not mean to 
 say that you know better than a dictionary ! "
 
 John Bull, Jr. 49 
 
 Oh, the French dictionary, that treacherous 
 friend of boys ! 
 
 The lazy ones take the first word of the list, 
 sometimes the figurative pronunciation given in 
 the English-French part. 
 
 Result : " / have a key " "J'ai un ki." 
 
 The shrewd ones take the last word, to make 
 believe they went through the whole list. 
 
 Result : "A chest of drawers " " Une poitrine 
 de calefotis." 
 
 The careless ones do not take the right part of 
 speech they want. 
 
 Result : " He felt " "// feutra"; "He left " 
 "II gaucha" 
 
 With my experience of certain French diction- 
 aries published in England, I do not wonder that 
 English boys often trust in Providence for the 
 choice of words, although I cannot help think- 
 ing that as a rule they are most unlucky. 
 
 Very few boys have good dictionaries at hand. 
 I know that Smith and Hamilton's dictionary (in 
 two volumes) costs twenty shillings. But what 
 is twenty shillings to be helped all through one's 
 coaching ? About the price of a good lawn-ten- 
 nis racket. 
 
 I have seen boys show me, with a radiant air, 
 a French dictionary they had bought for six- 
 pence. 
 
 They thought they had made a bargain. 
 
 Oh, free trade ! Oh, the cheapest market !
 
 50 John Bnll, Jr. 
 
 Sixpence for that dictionary ! That was not 
 very expensive, I own but it was terribly dear. 
 
 When an English boy is about to write out 
 his French exercise, he invariably begins by 
 heading the copy 
 
 " FRENCH," 
 
 written with his best hand, on the first line. 
 
 This is to avoid any misunderstanding about 
 the language he is going to use. 
 
 I have often felt grateful for that title. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 Children are very great at titles and inscrip- 
 tions. 
 
 Give them a little penny pocket-book, and 
 their keen sense of ownership will make them 
 go straightway and write their name and address 
 on the first page. When this is done, they will 
 entitle the book, and write on the top of each 
 page : " Memorandum Book." 
 
 When I was at school, we French boys used 
 to draw, on the back of the cover of our books, 
 a merry-Andrew and a gibbet, with the inscrip- 
 tion :
 
 John Bull, Jr. 51 
 
 " Aspice Pierrot pendu, 
 Quod librum n a pas rendu. 
 Si librum redidisset, 
 Pierrot pendu non fuisset." 
 
 I came across the following lines on some En- 
 glish boys' books : 
 
 " Don't steal this book for fear of shame, 
 For here you see the owner's name ; 
 Or, when you die, the Lord will say : 
 ' Where is that book you stole away ? ' " 
 
 Boys' minds are like a certain place not men- 
 tioned in geographies : they are paved with good 
 intentions. Before they begin their work, they 
 choose their best nib (which always takes some 
 time). This done, they carefully write their 
 name and the title of the exercise. FRENCH 
 looks magnificent. They evidently mean to do 
 well. The first sentence is generally right and 
 well written. In the second you perceive signs 
 of flagging ; it then gets worse and worse till the 
 end, which is not legible. Judge for yourself, 
 here is a specimen. It collapses with a blot half 
 licked off. 
 
 Master H. W. S.'s flourish after his signature 
 is not, as you see, a masterpiece of calligraphy ;
 
 52 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 but it is not intended to be so. It is simply an 
 overflow of relief and happiness at the thought 
 that his exercise is finished. 
 Translate the flourish by 
 " Done ! ! ! " 
 
 H. W. S. is not particularly lucky with his 
 genders. Fortunately for him, the French lan- 
 guage possesses no neuter nouns, so that some- 
 times he hits on the right gender. For this he 
 asks no praise. Providence alone is to be 
 thanked for it. 
 
 Once he had to translate: " His conduct was 
 good." He first put sa conduite. After this 
 effort in the right direction, his conscience was 
 satisfied, and he added, 6tait ban. Why ? Be- 
 cause an adjective is longer in the feminine than 
 in the masculine, and with him and his like the 
 former gender stands very little chance. 
 
 I remember two very strange boys. They were 
 not typical, I am happy to say. 
 
 When the first of them was on, his ears would 
 flap and go on flapping like the gills of a fish, 
 till he had either answered the question or given 
 up trying, when they would lie at rest flat against
 
 ^jfe' fkc me nil/. *2. 
 
 m4m><r
 
 John Bull, Jr. 53 
 
 his head. If I said to him sharply : " Well, my 
 boy, speak up ; I can't hear," his ears would 
 start flapping more vigorously than ever. Some- 
 times he would turn his eyes right over, to see if 
 he could not find the answer written somewhere 
 inside his head. This boy could set the whole 
 of his scalp in motion, bring his hair right down 
 to his eyes, and send it back again without the 
 least difficulty. These performances were simply 
 wonderful. The boys used to watch him with 
 an interest that never flagged, and more than 
 once I was near losing my countenance. 
 
 One day this poor lad fell in the playground, 
 and cut his head open. We were all anxious to 
 ascertain what it was he had inside his head that 
 he always wanted to get at. The doctor found 
 nothing remarkable in it. 
 
 The other boy was a fearful stammerer. The 
 manner in which he managed to get help for his 
 speech is worth relating. Whenever he had to 
 read a piece of French aloud, he would utter the 
 letter " F " before each French word, and they 
 would positively come out easily. The letter 
 " F" being the most difficult letter for stammer- 
 ers to pronounce, I always imagined that he 
 thought he would be all right with any sound, if 
 he could only say " F " first. 
 
 He was successful.
 
 54 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 A boy with whom you find it somewhat 
 difficult to get on is the diffident one who always 
 believes that the question you ask him is a 
 "catch." He is constantly on guard, and sur- 
 rounds the easiest question with inextricable 
 difficulties. It is his misfortune to know that 
 rules have exceptions, and he never suspects that 
 it would enter your head to ask him for the illus- 
 tration of a general rule. 
 
 He knows, for instance, that nouns ending in 
 al form their plural by changing al into aux : but 
 if you ask him for the plural of general, he will 
 hesitate a long while, and eventually answer you, 
 generals. 
 
 " Do you mean to say, my boy, that you do not 
 know how to form the plural of nouns in al?" 
 
 " Yes, sir, but I thought general was an excep- 
 tion." 
 
 I pass over the wit who, being asked for the 
 plural of egal, answered, "two gals." 
 
 A diverting little boy in the class-room is the 
 one who always thinks " he has got it. " It mat- 
 ters little to him what the question is, he has not 
 heard the end of it when he lifts his hand to let 
 you know he is ready.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 55 
 
 "What is the future of savoir? " 
 
 " Please, sir, I know : je savoirat." 
 
 "Sit down, you ignoramus." 
 
 And he resumes his seat to sulk until you 
 give him another chance. He wonders how it is 
 you don't like his answers. His manner is gen- 
 erally affable ; you see at once in him a mother's 
 pet who is much admired at home, and thinks he 
 is not properly appreciated at school. 
 
 Mother's pets are to be recognized at a glance. 
 They are always clean and tidy in face and per- 
 son. Unfortunately they often part their hair in 
 the middle. 
 
 Such is not the testimonial that can be given 
 to young H. He spends an hour and a pint of 
 ink over every exercise. 
 
 He writes very badly. 
 
 To obtain a firm hold of his pen, he grasps the 
 nib with the ends of his five fingers. I some- 
 times think he must use his two hands at once. 
 He plunges the whole into the inkstand every 
 second or two, and withdraws it dripping. He 
 is smeared with ink all over ; he rubs his hands 
 in it, he licks it, he loves it, he sniffs it, he revels 
 in it. He wishes he could drink it, and the ink- 
 stands were wide enDugh for him to get his fist 
 right into it.
 
 $6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 This boy is a most clever little fellow. When 
 you can see his eyes, they are sparkling with 
 mischief and intelligence. A beautiful, dirty 
 face ; a lovely boy, though an " unwashed." 
 
 A somewhat objectionable boy, although he is 
 not responsible for his shortcomings, is the one 
 who has been educated at home up to twelve or 
 fourteen years of age. 
 
 Before you can garnish his brain, you have to 
 sweep it. You have to replace the French of his 
 nursery governess who has acquired it on the 
 Continong by a serious knowledge of avoir and 
 tfre. 
 
 He comes to school with a testimonial from 
 his mother, who is a good French scholar, to the 
 effect that he speaks French fluently. 
 
 You ask him for the French of 
 " // is twelve o'clock,'' 1 
 
 and he answers with assurance : 
 " Cest douze heures" 
 
 You ask him next for the French of 
 " Hoiu do you do? " 
 
 and he tells you : 
 
 " Comment ca va-t-il ? " 
 
 You call upon him to spell it, and he has no 
 hesitation about it : Comment savaty?" 
 
 You then test his knowledge of grammar by
 
 John Bull, Jr. 57 
 
 asking him the future of vouloir, and you im- 
 mediately obtain : " Je voulerai." 
 
 You tell him that his French is very shaky, 
 and you decide on putting him with the begin- 
 ners. 
 
 The following day you find a letter awaiting 
 you at school. It is from his indignant mother. 
 She informs you that she fears her little boy will 
 not learn much in the class you have put him in. 
 He ought to be in one of the advanced classes. 
 He has read Voltaire * and can speak French. 
 
 She knows he can, she heard him at Boulogne, 
 and he got on very well. The natives there had 
 no secrets for him ; he could understand all they 
 said. 
 
 You feel it to be your duty not to comply with 
 the lady's wishes, and you have made a bitter 
 enemy to yourself and the school. 
 
 This boy never takes for granted the truth of 
 the statements you make in the class-room. 
 What you say may be all right ; but when he 
 gets home he will ask his mamma if it is all true. 
 
 He is fond of arguing, and has no sympathy 
 with his teacher. He tries to find him at fault. 
 
 A favorite remark of his is this : 
 
 " Please, sir, you said the other day that so- 
 and-so was right. Why do you mark a mistake 
 in my exercise to-day ? " 
 
 * Poor little chap !
 
 58 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 You explain to him why he is wrong, and he 
 goes back to his seat grumbling. He sees he is 
 wrong ; but he is not cured. He hopes to be 
 more lucky next time. 
 
 When you meet his mother, she asks you what 
 you think of the boy. 
 
 " A very nice boy indeed," you say ; " only I 
 sometimes wish he had more confidence in me ; 
 he is rather fond of arguing." 
 
 "T)h ! " she exclaims, " I know that. Charley 
 will never accept a statement before he has dis- 
 cussed it and thoroughly investigated it." 
 
 As a set-off for Charley, there is the boy who 
 has a blind confidence in you. All you say is 
 gospel to him, and if you were to tell him that 
 the French word voisin is pronounced kramshaka, 
 he would unhesitatingly say kramshaka. 
 
 Nothing astonishes him ; he has taken for his 
 motto the Nil admirari of Horace. He would 
 see three circumflex accents on the top of a vowel 
 without lifting his eyebrows. He is none of the 
 inquiring and investigating sort. 
 
 Another specimen of the Charley type is the 
 one who has been coached for the public school
 
 John Bull, Jr. 59 
 
 in a Preparatory School for the Sons of Gentle- 
 men, kept by ladies. 
 
 This boy has always been well treated. He is 
 fat, rubicund, and unruly. His linen is irre- 
 proachable. The ladies told him he was good- 
 looking, and his hair, which he parts into two 
 ailes de pigeon, is the subject of his incessant 
 care. 
 
 He does not become "a man " until his com- 
 rades have bullied him into a good game of 
 Rugby football. 
 
 On the last bench, right in the corner, you 
 can see young Bully. He does not seek after 
 light, he is not an ambitious boy, and the less 
 notice you take of him the better he is pleased. 
 His father says he is a backward boy. Bully is 
 older and taller than the rest of the class. For 
 form's sake you are obliged to request him to 
 bring his work, but you have long ago given up 
 all hope of ever teaching him any thing. He is 
 quiet and unpretending in class, and too sleepy 
 to be up to mischief. He trusts that if he does 
 not disturb your peace you will not disturb his. 
 When a little boy gives you a good answer, it 
 arouses his scorn, and he not uncommonly throws 
 at him a little smile of congratulation. If you
 
 60 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 were not a good disciplinarian, he would go and 
 give him a pat on the back, but this he dares not 
 do. 
 
 When you bid him stand up and answer a 
 question, he begins by leaning on his desk. Then 
 he gently lifts his hinder part, and by slow de- 
 grees succeeds in getting up the whole mass. He 
 hopes that by this time you will have passed him 
 and asked another boy to give you the answer. 
 He is not jealous, and will bear no ill-will to the 
 boy who gives you a satisfactory reply. 
 
 If you insist on his standing up and giving sign 
 of life, he frowns, loosens his collar, which seems 
 to choke him, looks at the floor, then at the ceil- 
 ing, then at you. Being unable to utter a sound, 
 he frowns more, to make you believe that he is 
 very dissatisfied with himself. 
 
 " I know the answer," he seems to say ; " how 
 funny, I can't recollect it just now." 
 
 As you cannot waste any more time about him, 
 you pass him ; a ray of satisfaction flashes over 
 his face, and he resumes his corner hoping for 
 peace. 
 
 The little boys dare not laugh at him, for he is 
 the terror of the playground, where he takes his 
 revenge of the class-room. 
 
 His favorite pastime in the playground is to 
 teach little boys how to play marbles. They 
 bring the marbles, he brings his experience. 
 When the bell rings to call the boys to the class-
 
 John Bull, Jr. 61 
 
 rooms, he has got many marbles, the boys a little 
 experience. 
 
 * * 
 
 One of my pet aversions is the young boy who 
 arrays * himself in stand-up collars and white 
 merino cravats. 
 
 George Eliot, I believe, says somewhere that 
 there never was brain inside a red-haired head. 
 I think she was mistaken. I have known very 
 clever boys with red hair. 
 
 But what I am positive about is that there is no 
 brain on the top of boys ornamented with stand- 
 up collars. 
 
 Young Bully wears them. He comes to school 
 with his stick, and whenever you want a match 
 to light the gas with he can always supply you, 
 and feels happy he is able for once to oblige 
 you. 
 
 * * 
 
 In some boys I have often deplored the presence 
 of two ears. What you impart through one im- 
 mediately escapes through the other. Explain 
 to them a rule once a week, they will always en- 
 joy hearing it again. It will always be new to 
 them. Their lives will ever be a series of enchant- 
 ments and surprises. 
 
 * Being a little bit of a philologist, I assume this verb 
 comes from the common (very common) noan, 'Arry.
 
 62 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 You must persevere, and repeat things to them 
 a hundred times, if ninety-nine will not do. Who 
 knows there is not a John Wesley among them ? 
 
 " I remember," once said this celebrated di- 
 vine, " hearing my father say to my mother:' How 
 could you have the patience to tell that blockhead 
 the same thing twenty times over?' ' Why,' said 
 she, ' if I had told him only nineteen times, I 
 should have lost all my labor.' " 
 
 I am not sure that the boy with only one 
 ear is not still more tiresome. He always turns 
 his deaf ear to you, and makes his little infirmity 
 pay. " He is afraid he did not quite hear you, 
 when you set the work yesterday." For my part. 
 I met the difficulty by having desks placed each 
 side of my chair. On my left I had the boys 
 who had good right ears ; on my right, those who 
 had good left ones. 
 
 I can not say I ever saw many signs of grati- 
 tude in boys for this solicitude of mine in their 
 behalf. 
 
 At dictation time the two-eared boy is terri- 
 ble, p.nd you need all the self-control you have 
 acquired on the English shores to keep yo:ir 
 head cool.
 
 John Bull, Jr. ^3 
 
 Before beginning, you warn him that a mute 
 e y or an s, placed at the end of a vowel, gives a 
 long sound to that vowel, that te is long in jolie, 
 and / is short in joli; that ais is long in je serais, 
 and at is short in je serai. 
 
 Satisfied that he is well prepared, you start 
 with your best voice : 
 
 The boy looks at you. Is he to write/1? serais 
 or/<? serai ? 
 
 To settle his undecided mind, you repeat : 
 
 "Je serais" 
 
 and you may lay great emphasis on ats, bleating 
 for thirty seconds like a sheep in distress. 
 
 He writes something down at last. You go 
 and see the result of your efforts. He has writ- 
 ten 
 
 "Je serai" 
 
 Drat the boy ! 
 
 Next time you dictate a word ending in ais t 
 he won't be caught again. 
 
 He leaves a blank or makes a blot. 
 
 You must never take it for granted that you 
 have given this boy all the explanations he re- 
 quires to get on with his work. You will always
 
 64 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 find that there is something you have omitted 
 to tell him. 
 
 He is not hopelessly stupid, he personifies the 
 vis inertia ; he is indifferent, and takes but one 
 step at a time. 
 
 He will tell you he did not know that there 
 were notes at the end of his French text-books. 
 When he knows that there are such notes, he 
 will inform you next time that you did not tell 
 him he was to look at them. 
 
 He sees things, but at first he does not know 
 what they are for unless they are labelled, and 
 he will ignore the use of a chair if you do not 
 point out the flat part of this piece of furniture, 
 or better still, touch it, saying, " Chair to sit 
 upon." 
 
 The following are bits of conversation you will 
 have with him in the class-room : 
 
 " How is it you have no copy to give me ? " 
 
 " I thought we only had to prepare the piece." 
 
 Of course you know what it means when a 
 boy tells you he has " prepared " his work, but 
 has not written it down. So you tell him he is 
 to bring a copy next time. He does, for he is 
 most anxious to do as he is told. 
 
 When you ask him to give you the translation 
 of the piece viva voce, he tells you : 
 
 " Please, sir, you did not tell us we were to 
 learn the piece." 
 
 " But, my boy, don't you understand that you
 
 John Bull, Jr. 65 
 
 are doing a piece of French twice a week in 
 order to learn the language ? " 
 
 He never thought of that. He had to write 
 out the translation of a piece of French, and he 
 has done it. He did not know he had to draw 
 such bewildering conclusions as you have just 
 mentioned. 
 
 He does as he is told, and he marvels you do 
 not consider him a model of a boy. 
 
 If he were placed at the door of the reading- 
 room of the British Museum, with orders to in- 
 form people that they must take their umbrellas 
 or sticks to the cloak-room, he would carry out 
 the intentions of the librarians with a vengeance. 
 
 " Take your stick or your umbrella to the 
 cloak-room," he would say to the first person 
 presenting himself at the door. 
 
 " But I have not got either," might reply the 
 visitor. 
 
 " That's no business of mine ; go and fetch 
 them," he would naturally suggest. 
 
 He can grasp but one idea at a time, and this 
 one idea does not lead to another in his mind. 
 There it remains like the buried talent. 
 
 Master Whirligig is a light-headed boy. It 
 requires very little to entertain him. The fall- 
 ing of a book, a cough, a sneeze, an organ in
 
 66 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 the street, will send him into fits of hilarity be- 
 hind his pocket-handkerchief, and when the 
 school breaks up for the Midsummer holidays, 
 he will be able to tell you the exact number of 
 flies that passed through the class-room during 
 the term. 
 
 He is never still for a moment. Always on 
 the look-out for fresh events, he is the nearest 
 approach to perpetual motion yet discovered. 
 
 The cracks in this boy's cranium may be ex- 
 plained physiologically. Matter subjected to 
 constant motion gets heated, as we all know. 
 Now young Whirligig's skull is but scantily fur- 
 nished with brain matter, and it would be wise 
 of him to keep it still. This he seems to be in- 
 capable of doing. He is for ever jerking and 
 shaking it, churning the contents in fact. The 
 churn heated, hot vapors are generated ; they 
 expand, the pressure is too great, they must es- 
 cape they force an outlet hence the cracks. 
 Q.E.D. 
 
 If you want to see the good average English 
 schoolboy in all his glory, make him write out a 
 rule of French grammar, and tell him to illus- 
 trate it with an example. 
 
 Nine times out of ten his example will illus- 
 trate the contrary to the rule. 
 
 He has heard over and over again, for instance,
 
 John Bull, Jr. 67 
 
 that a French past participle, conjugated with 
 the auxiliary avoir, sometimes agrees with its 
 direct object and sometimes does not. This he 
 thinks very hard upon him. Funny temper 
 these past participles have ! You never know 
 when they will agree. It is not fair, now, is it? 
 By consulting his grammar, he would be enabled 
 to satisfy his master. But he does not do that. 
 He trusts to his luck, and has a shot. After all, 
 his chance is 50 per cent. He generally fails to 
 hit. 
 
 Is he not a most unlucky little creature ? 
 
 Ask this boy to give you the French for "this 
 woman is good," he will answer you : "Bonne est 
 eette femme" He has heard that ban was one of 
 those few adjectives that have to be placed be- 
 fore the noun, and that is very unfair to him, 
 isn't it ? 
 
 If you set an exercise to English boys, to be 
 written out on the spot, they all set off quickly, 
 the question being, as they look at one another : 
 
 "Who shall have finished first ?" 
 
 This I hold to 'be due to the influence of 
 athletics. 
 
 " Please, sir, I've done ! " will exclaim the 
 winner triumphantly, as he looks at the rest of 
 the class still busy scratching their paper.
 
 68 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 You generally like to know what boys intend 
 to be, in order to direct your attention more 
 specially to the subjects they will require to be 
 grounded in for such or such an examination. 
 
 Most boys from twelve to fourteen years old 
 will tell you " they do not know," when you ask 
 them what they will be. Many of them are 
 undecided, many indifferent ; some are shy, and 
 afraid you will think it conceited of them to 
 believe they are fit to be one day doctors, 
 officers, barristers, clergymen, etc. 
 
 A few answer <( I don't know," on the tune of 
 " What is that to you ? " 
 
 As it is always impolitic to take more interest 
 in people than they do themselves, you do not 
 insist. 
 
 Once I asked a nice and clever little boy what 
 he wanted to be. 
 
 This little boy's papa was at the time enjoy- 
 ing the well-salaried far niente of a chaplaincy 
 attached to an old philanthropical institution 
 that had not had any inmates for many years 
 past. 
 
 " Please, sir, I want to be like papa," he 
 answered, ingenuously. 
 
 s 
 
 My young friend T. had no taste for languages, 
 except, perhaps, bad language, if I am to believe
 
 John Bull, Jr. 69 
 
 certain rumors of a punishment inflicted upon 
 him by the head-master not long ago. 
 
 He prepares for the army, but I doubt whether 
 he will succeed in entering it, unless he enlists. 
 I regret it for her Majesty's sake, for he would 
 make a capital soldier. He is a first-rate athlete, 
 resolute, strong, and fearless. He would never 
 aim at becoming a field-marshal, and I hold that 
 his qualities ought to weigh in an examination 
 for the army as much as a little Latin and 
 Greek. 
 
 I never heard of great generals being particu- 
 larly good at Latin, except Julius Caesar, who 
 wrote his Commentaries on the Gallic Wars in 
 that language, and without a dictionary, they 
 say. 
 
 My young friend is the kind of boy who, in 
 the army, would be sure to render great service 
 to his country; for, whether he killed England's 
 enemy or England's enemy killed him, it would 
 eventually be for the good of England. 
 
 Ah ! now, who is that square-headed boy, sitting 
 on the second form near the window ? He looks 
 dull ; he does not join in the games, and seldom 
 speaks to a school-fellow. He comes to school 
 on business, to get as much as he can for his 
 money.
 
 70 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 He is not brilliant, but steady-going ; he is 
 improving slowly but surely. He goes on his 
 jog-trot way, and always succeeds in being placed 
 among the first twelve boys of the class. He is 
 what is called a "respectable person." 
 
 He never smiles, and you would think he had 
 on his shoulders the responsibility of the man- 
 agement of the London and Westminster Bank. 
 
 His books are carefully covered in brown 
 paper or American cloth. He writes rough 
 copies on the backs of old exercises, and wipes 
 his pen when he has finished his work. He buys 
 his books second-hand in Holywell Street,* 
 and when he has finished with them they have 
 the same market value as when he bought 
 them. 
 
 He lends old nibs and half-sheets of paper, 
 and requires the borrower to give him back new 
 nibs and foolscap sheets. 
 
 He studies French with all the energy he is 
 capable of, because his father has told him that, 
 with a good knowledge of French, he will com- 
 mand a good salary in the City. 
 
 You ask him what he will be, and he answers 
 you : 
 
 " In business." 
 
 This boy will be a successful man a lord- 
 mayor, perhaps. 
 
 * A street in London where Jews sell second-hand books.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 71 
 
 I can not take leave of the class-room without 
 mentioning the boy who is proud of his name. 
 'What is your name, my boy ? " 
 'Algernon Cadwaladr Smyth." 
 'Oh! your name is Smith, is it?" 
 ' No, sir ; my name is Cadwaladr Smyth." 
 'You spell your name S-m-i-t-h, don't you?" 
 ' No, sir ; S-m-y-t-h," he answers, almost 
 indignantly. 
 
 Dear boy ! he is as proud of thej of his name 
 as a Howard is of his ancestors although I am 
 not quite sure the Howards ought to be very 
 proud of their name, seeing that it is but a cor- 
 ruption of Hog-ward. 
 
 I always thought it was somewhat hard on a 
 boy to have to go through life labeled Cadwaladr; 
 but, as I have remarked elsewhere, in En- 
 gland there is nothing to prevent parents from 
 dubbing their offsprings Bayard, Bertrand du 
 Guesclin or, for that matter, Nebuchadnezzar.
 
 72 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 VI. 
 
 FRENCH AS SHE is TRADUCED. MORE GRUMBLING. 
 "LA CRITIQUE" is NOT THE CRITIC'S WIFE. BOSSUET'S 
 PROSE AND HOW IT READS IN ENGLISH. NOTHING 
 IMPROVES BY TRANSLATION EXCEPT A BISHOP. A 
 FEW FRENCH " HOWLERS." VALUABLE HINTS ON 
 TRANSLATING UNSEEN PASSAGES. 
 
 ENGLISH boys have invented a special kind of 
 English language for French translation. 
 
 It is not the English they use with their clas- 
 sical and other masters ; it is not the English 
 they use at home with their parents, or at school 
 with their comrades ; it is a special article kept 
 for the sole benefit of their French masters. 
 
 The good genus boy will translate oiti, man 
 fire, by "yes, my father," as if it were possible 
 for him to forget that he calls his papa father, 
 and not my father, when he addresses him. 
 
 He very seldom reads over his translation to 
 ascertain that it reads like English ; but when 
 he does, and is not perfectly satisfied with the 
 result, he lays the blame on the French original. 
 After all, it is not his fault if there is no sense in 
 the French, and he brings a certain number of
 
 John Bull, Jr. 73 
 
 English dictionary words placed one after the 
 other, the whole entitled FRENCH. 
 
 Of course he can not call it ENGLISH, and 
 he dares not call it NONSENSE. 
 
 He calls it French, and relieves his conscience. 
 
 It will take boys long to understand that la 
 trompette, la me"decine, la marine, la statuaire, are 
 not respectively the wives of le trompette, le 
 me'decin, le marin, le statuaire. 
 
 An honest little boy once translated " La 
 critique doit etre bonne fille " by " The critic's wife 
 ought to be a good girl." 
 
 Poor little fellow ! it is most probable that no 
 dictionary within his reach would have explained 
 to him that the expression bonne fille meant 
 "good-humored." 
 
 O Bossuet, veil thy face! 
 
 The finest piece of French prose in existence is 
 undoubtedly the following sentence, taken from 
 Bossuet's funeral oration on the Great Conde : 
 
 " Restait cette redou table infanterie de farmee 
 d 1 Espagne, dont les gros bataillons serre"s, semblables 
 a autant de tours, mats a des tours qui sauraient 
 re"parer leurs brtches, demeuraient inebranlables au
 
 74 John Hull, Jr. 
 
 milieu de tout le reste en dtroute, et lanfaicnt des 
 feux de toutes parts." 
 
 This reads like a chant of Homer, does it 
 not ? It reads quite differently in boys' transla- 
 tions, I assure you, when you come to " towers 
 that would be able to mend their breaches." 
 
 This confirms you in your belief that nothing 
 improves by translation except a bishop. 
 
 From my little collection of what is called in 
 the scholastic profession " Howlers," I extract 
 the following, with my apologies to their perpe- 
 trators. 
 
 La fille de feu ma bonne et estime"e cousine est 
 toujours la bienvenue, ' ' My good and esteemed 
 cousin, the daughter of fire, is always welcome." 
 
 Mon frlre a tort et ma soenr a raison, "My 
 brother has some tart and my sister has some 
 raisins." 
 
 Elle partit dans la matinte du lendemain, " She
 
 John Bull, Jr. 75 
 
 took part in the morning performance of 
 legerdemain." 
 
 This is a specimen of German geist perpetrated 
 by a candidate to our scholarships, and a young 
 subject of his Venerable Majesty Emperor 
 William. 
 
 Honor to whom honor is due. 
 
 When I said that boys do not look at the notes 
 given at the end of their text-books, it was noth- 
 ing short of a libel, as two cases following will 
 prove. 
 
 * * 
 
 Diable ! c'esf qu'il est capricieux, le bonhomme ! 
 
 A boy looked at a note on this phrase, and 
 found : " capricieux, akin to Latin capra (a goat)." 
 Next day, he brought his translation, which ran 
 thus : 
 
 " The good man is devilishly like a goat." 
 
 The next two " howlers " were indulged in by 
 my boys, as we were reading Jules Sandeau's 
 Mademoiselle de la Seiglttre. 
 
 The Baroness de Vaubert says to the Marquis 
 de la Seigliere : " Calmez-vous."
 
 76 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 A boy having translated this by " Calm your- 
 self," I observed to him : 
 
 "Couldn't you give me something more 
 colloquial ? " 
 
 Boy, after a moment's reflection : 
 
 " Keep your hair on, old man." 
 
 Je laisse Renaud dans les jardins d'Armide, 
 " I leave this fox in the gardens of Armida," and, 
 between brackets, the following explanatory 
 statement : 
 
 (" Jerusalem delivered Tasso in the hands o 
 an enchantress named Armida.")* 
 
 Chaque dge a ses plaisirs was translated by a 
 nice little boy, " Every one grows old for his 
 preserves.") 
 
 (Evidently written after a surfeit of jam.) 
 
 The vagaries of my young friends are thrown 
 
 * I reproduce the note which had " helped " the boy : 
 [" Kenand dans les jardins d 'Armida" the enchanted 
 guldens of Armida (" Jerusalem Delivered," 7'asso), 
 jlgutaiivffy, in the hands of an enchantress.}
 
 John Bull, Jr. 77 
 
 into the shade by some achievements of profes- 
 sional translators which I have come across in 
 America. A French master may occasionally 
 enjoy the drolleries that a magnificent disdain 
 for dictionary trammels and a violent yearning 
 towards the play-ground will betray his pupil 
 into ; but I imagine that a publisher, who pays 
 in hard cash for the faithful translation of a 
 French book, can scarcely be pleased to find 
 that the work has been interlarded with mirth- 
 provoking blunders thrown in gratis. 
 k I extract the two following examples of 
 " French as she is traduced " from the transla- 
 tion of one of my books that the American pirates 
 did me the honor to publish : 
 
 Les exploits d" Hercule sont de la Saint Jean 
 aupres de ....," The exploits of Hercules are 
 but of the St. John order compared to " 
 
 Monsieur, ne vous retournes pas, " Sir, do not 
 return yourself." 
 
 But to return to John Bull, junior. 
 
 I pass young worthies who translate "/ have 
 never read any thing by Afoliere " by " Je nai pas 
 jamais lit quelque chose par Afoliere," on the 
 ground that " it is so in English." This 
 " French " sentence was, by-the-bye, the first 
 essay on Moliere I received at the hands of the 
 English boys.
 
 78 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 Some little fellows, trusting their sense of 
 sight, have the objectionable habit of writing 
 the translation of a text before looking at it, at 
 all events before seeing it. 
 
 Result : " // raccommodait les vicux souliers " 
 " He recommended the old soldiers." 
 
 A clever boy, whilst reading a comedy at first 
 sight, translated " EGLANTINE (baissanl Its 
 yeux) " by " EGLAXTIXE (kissing his eyes)." 
 
 You naughty boy ! 
 
 I once read the following sound advice given 
 in the preface of a French Translation book : 
 
 " i. Read the passage carefully through, at 
 least twice." 
 
 " 2. Keep as closely as possible to the origi- 
 nalin sense, but use English idiom boldly." 
 
 " 3. Never write down nonsense." 
 
 Now, and whilst I think of it, why unseen? 
 
 It may be that I do not perceive the niceties 
 of the English language, but this commonly 
 used word, " unseen," never conveyed any mean- 
 ing to my mind. Would not " unforeseen " be 
 a better word ? I would timidly suggest. 
 
 If the book in question succeeded in making
 
 John Bull, Jr. 79 
 
 boys carry out the foregoing suggestions, it 
 would be worth its weight in gold. 
 
 As far as my experience goes, the only hint 
 which I have known them follow is the one that 
 tells them to use English idiom boldly. 
 
 A drawback to these hints is that they are 
 given in the preface. Now, dear colleagues and 
 confreres, which of you has ever known a school- 
 boy read the preface of his book ?
 
 8o John Bull, Jr. 
 
 VII. 
 
 ENGLISH BOYS ON FRENCH ETYMOLOGIES. WHY " SI- 
 LENCE " IS THE ONLY FRENCH NOUN, ENDING IN " ENCE," 
 
 THAT IS OF THE MASCULINE GENDER. A VALUABLE 
 SERVICE RENDERED BY THE AUTHOR TO HIS LAND OF 
 ADOPTION. LEARNED ETYMOLOGIES. RETURN TO 
 OLD PHILOLOGICAL METHODS. REMARKABLE QUES- 
 TIONS WRITTEN AND ORAL EXAMINATIONS. A KIND 
 EXAMINER. How LONG WOULD IT TAKE THE MOON TO 
 FALL TO THE EARTH? How MANY YARDS OF CLOTH 
 
 IT TAKES TO COVER AN ASS. I EXAMINE IN GERMAN. 
 
 FRENCH boys, and only of late, are made to go 
 through a course of French philology during 
 their last two years at school ; but English 
 school-boys, who- are seldom taught to speak 
 French, and who would find it just as difficult 
 to make themselves understood in Paris as they 
 would in Pekin, are made to study the " rudi- 
 ments " of French philology, that is to say, the 
 origin of words they are unable to put together 
 so as to make French sentences of them. 
 
 I might take this opportunity for discussing 
 whether English school-boys should not leave 
 alone all this nonsense, and devote the little
 
 John Bull, Jr. 81 
 
 spare time they have to learning how to put 
 French words together with a decent pronunci- 
 ation ; but I have promised myself to discuss 
 nothing in this little volume of personal recol- 
 lections, and I will keep my word. 
 
 After all, what Englishmen want to be able to 
 do is to write a letter in French, and to ask for 
 a steak or a mutton-chop in a French restau- 
 rant, without having to low or bleat to make the 
 waiter understand that it is beef or mutton they 
 want. 
 
 I did not go to England to make reforms ; I 
 accept things as I see them, and I generally wait 
 to give my advice until I am asked for it. 
 
 So French philology is taught. A hundred 
 exercises, which I have under my eyes, show me 
 the results of the philological teaching of French 
 in England. 
 
 For once now for once only, let me make a 
 boast. 
 
 Small as I am, I have rendered a valuable ser- 
 vice to the land of my adoption. Yes, a service 
 to England, nothing short of that. 
 
 For over fifteen years, the French examiners 
 in the University of London invariably every year 
 asked the candidates for Matriculation the fol- 
 lowing question I had almost said riddle :
 
 82 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 " Which is the only French substantive end- 
 ing in ence that is of the masculine gender, and 
 why ? " 
 
 You may picture to yourself the unhappy 
 candidates, scratching their heads, and going, 
 in their minds, through the forty and some 
 thousand words which make up the French vo- 
 cabulary. 
 
 Those only who were " in the know " could 
 answer that the famous word was silence, as it 
 came from the Latin neuter noun silentiuin, 
 the other French nouns ending in ence (from 
 Latin feminine nouns in entia) being feminine. 
 
 " Well," I said one day to the examiner, an 
 eminent confrere and friend, " don't you think 
 you make the candidates waste a good deal of 
 their valuable time, and that it would be better 
 to ask them the question (if you must ask it) 
 in a straightforward manner?" 
 
 He thought I was right, and for two years 
 more the question was asked again, but in the 
 following improved manner : 
 
 " Explain why silence is the only French noun, 
 ending in ence, that is of the masculine gender." 
 
 This was sensible, and I hoped the examiner 
 would for a long time to come be in smooth 
 water. 
 
 The gods willed it otherwise. 
 
 One morning he came to me in a great state 
 of excitement.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 83 
 
 " I am furious ! " he said. " I believe one of 
 the candidates has been laughing at me." 
 
 " You don't say so ! " I remarked. 
 
 " I believe so," he continued, whilst untying 
 a bundle of papers. " Now look at this," he 
 cried, handing me a copy ; " have you ever 
 seen such impudence ? " 
 
 I looked, but could make nothing out of it. 
 
 "What's the matter ? " I inquired. 
 
 " Well, I asked the candidates the question 
 about the gender of silence." 
 
 " I know, the famous question, eh ? " 
 
 "Never mind that. See the answer one of 
 them gives me," and he pointed it out to me. It 
 ran thus : 
 
 " Silence is the only French noun, ending in 
 cnce, that is masculine, because it is the only 
 thing women can not keep." 
 
 Tears of sympathy for the boy trickled down 
 my cheeks ; I thought it was lovely. 
 
 " Well," I said, when I had recovered, " it 
 serves you right." 
 
 " I will plough that boy ! " he ejaculated. 
 
 " No, you won't do that," I said. " How did 
 he do the rest of the paper ? " 
 
 " Very well, indeed ; the impudent scamp is a 
 clever fellow." 
 
 " And a wit," I added; " you must not plough 
 him."
 
 84 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 I never knew the fate of that boy, although I 
 believe I saved him. 
 
 But what I do know is that never, never since, 
 has the question found place in the Matricula- 
 tion papers of the University of London. 
 
 A boy, having to give the etymology of the 
 French word dimanche, and explain why "book" 
 and "pound" are expressed by the same French 
 word livre, perpetrated the following : 
 
 " Dimanche is a compound word, formed from 
 di (twice), and manche (to eat), because you take 
 two meals on that day (Sunday)." * 
 
 " Livre stands for ' book ' as well as for 
 .'pound,' because the accounts of 'pounds' 
 are kept in ' books.' " 
 
 It was the same boy who, being asked for the 
 meaning of cordon bleu, answered " a teetotaler." 
 
 A young Briton, having to derive the French 
 word tropique, wrote : 
 
 * Dear boy ! he probably was a -weekly boarder, and the 
 Sunday fare at home had left sweet recollections in his mind. 
 This beats Swift's etymology of " cucumber" which he once 
 gave at a dinner of the Philological Society : " King Jere- 
 miah, Jeremiah King, Jerkin, Gherkin, Cucumber."
 
 John Bull, Jr. 85 
 
 " This word comes from trap (too much), and 
 ique (from Latin hie which means here), with the 
 word heat understood, that is to say: Tropique, it 
 is too hot here." 
 
 Another boy, with a great deal of imagination 
 and power of deduction, having to give the deri- 
 vation of the French word cheval, wrote the fol- 
 lowing essay : 
 
 " Cheval comes from the Latin equus. The 
 letter u was written v, which gave 
 
 equits = eqvus quevus. 
 
 " This word became guevahis, which finally 
 gave theval." 
 
 We might exclaim with d'Aceilly : 
 
 " CAeva/vient A'equus, sans doute ; 
 
 Mais il faut convenir aussi 
 
 Qu'a venir de la jusqu'ici, 
 
 II a bien change sur la route."* 
 
 This boy's method is, after all, a return to the 
 old methods. If we consult Menage's Etymo- 
 logical Dictionary, we see that he easily derives 
 
 "'Cheval' conies from ' equus,' no doubt; but it 
 must be confessed that, to come to us in that state, it has 
 sadly altered on the way. "
 
 86 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 rat from mus, and haricot from faba, to take 
 only two instances of the method. 
 
 " The Latin mus" he says, " became muratus, 
 and then ratus, which gave us rat." 
 
 He deals no less successfully with haricot, 
 
 " The Latin faba became by corruption faba- 
 ricus, which altered into fabaricotus, and finally 
 into aricotus, which gave us haricot." 
 
 After this we may appreciate Voltaire's remark 
 that " philologists take no account of vowels, 
 and very little notice of consonants." 
 
 Nor do boys. 
 
 If the answers, given by candidates at exami- 
 nations are often remarkable, the questions asked 
 by the examiners are often more wonderful still. 
 Here are a few which have been seriously asked, 
 and -proh pudor ! published : 
 
 " Define, with reference to passages in the 
 Lettres Provinciates, ' grace suffisante,' ' grace 
 efficace/ grace actuelle,' ' casuisine,' ' pouvoir 
 prochain,' ' probabilisme.' Also explain what 
 is meant by ' casuistry.' What can be said in 
 its defence ? " 
 
 " Give some account of Escobar." 
 
 " What are the principal differences between 
 the Latin and the French languages? "
 
 John Bull, Jr. 87 
 
 Well might an eminent confrere exclaim one 
 day : 
 
 " Is not all this printed and published to dis- 
 courage the study of French ? " 
 
 I once heard an examiner ask a dear little fel- 
 low, aged eleven, the following poser : 
 
 " Give me the derivations of all the words of 
 the French sentence you have just read 
 aloud." 
 
 Poor little boy ! He took the examiner for a 
 wonderful man. 
 
 So he was. 
 
 English examinations consist of so many papers 
 to be taken up ; the " viva voce " does not play 
 an important part in England, as it does in 
 France. 
 
 A " viva voce " examination very often gives 
 the examiner a better idea of the candidate's 
 abilities and knowledge than a written one, but 
 it has many drawbacks. It favors babblers and 
 the self-assured, and does not enable the timid 
 to show themselves at their best.
 
 88 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 The more learned the examiner, the more kind 
 and indulgent is he to the candidates. 
 
 Sainte-Claire Deville, the famous French chem- 
 ist, had to be declined by the authorities at the 
 Sorbonne as an examiner, because he used to 
 answer his questions himself to save the candi- 
 dates trouble. 
 
 " How do you prepare oxygen ? " he would 
 ask. " By heating chlorate of potash, don't 
 you ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " You place the chlorate of potash in a thin 
 glass flask, don't you ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Now a small quantity of manganese bi-oxide, 
 mixed with the chlorate of potash, enables you 
 to obtain the oxygen at a much lower tempera- 
 ture, does it not ? " 
 
 4< Yes, sir." 
 
 "Very good now, another question." 
 
 And so forth. 
 
 On the other hand, there are examiners who 
 make it a rule to bully the candidates, or, worse 
 still, to snub them They will ask preposterous 
 questions with the mere object of disconcerting 
 them. 
 
 " How long would it take the moon to fall to the
 
 John Bull, Jr. 89 
 
 earth ? " I once heard an examiner ask a candi- 
 date to the baccalaur&at es-scienccs. 
 
 A facetious examiner once got his due from a 
 young Parisian candidate. 
 
 After asking him a few " catches," and obtain- 
 ing no answers he suddenly said to him : 
 
 " Do you know how much cloth would be re- 
 quired to cover an ass ? " 
 
 " I do not, sir," replied the lad, " but if you 
 are anxious to know, I will ask your tailor." 
 
 The audience laughed heartily, and the exami- 
 ner, seeing that this time the laughter was not on 
 his side, congratulated the boy on his wit, and 
 immediately asked him a few sensible questions, 
 which were answered respectfully, and proved 
 that the candidate had his subjects as ready as 
 his wit. 
 
 I was once asked to examine the French and 
 German classes of an important English school. 
 
 I wrote to " my lords and gentlemen," saying 
 that my knowledge of German was not such as 
 to enable me to find fault with other people's. 
 
 The- governors answered that it did not mat- 
 ter, and I was directed to proceed to the Exam- 
 ination. 
 
 I got over the difficulty by sharing the work 
 and the fees with an able German, who prepared 
 the questions and corrected the copies.
 
 go JoJin Bull, Jr. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 ENGLISH BOYS ON FRENCH COMPOSITION. " Go AHEAD" 
 is NOT IN FRENCH " ALLEZ UNE TETE." How BOYS 
 SET ABOUT FRENCH COMPOSITION. A WRITTEN PROOF 
 OF THEIR GUILT. How LARGE ADVERTISEMENTS CAN 
 HELP THEM. A Si CMBLING-LLOCK CLEARED AWAY. 
 
 You have achieved a great success when you 
 have succeeded in getting into young boys' heads 
 that French is not English replaced by equivalent 
 words to be found in a dictionary. 
 
 This is the way boys generally set about writ- 
 ing a piece of English into French. 
 
 They take the first English word, open their 
 dictionary, and put down the French word they 
 have found for it (the wrong one, as a rule, if 
 more than one is given). Then they take the 
 second English word, to which they apply the 
 same process, until they come to a stop, which 
 they carefully reproduce in the French (many 
 don't). Tliis done, they take their blotting- 
 paper, apply it on the copy, rub it hard for a 
 minute or two, and knock off to enjoy a well- 
 deserved rest.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 91 
 
 The amount of blotting-paper used by boys 
 is prodigious. A word is no sooner written 
 down than it is fixed on the paper by a good 
 hearty rubbing down. They are afraid it will 
 evaporate if not properly secured on the paper 
 at once. 
 
 Suppose your young pupils have to put into 
 French " I give you." 
 
 They will first write /<?, then donne. After the 
 English word " you," they are referred to a note. 
 They look at this note (many don't), and see 
 that they must put the pronoun vous before the 
 verb. They do so between the lines, and thus 
 write down the proof of their iniquity : 
 
 vous 
 " je f^ donne." 
 
 Although the boys use their eyes to look at 
 things, there are few who use them to see. 
 
 Young S. was an exception. 
 
 Having to put into French, " No sovereign 
 ever was more worthy," he brought me : 
 
 " Jamais souverain ne fut plus digne."
 
 9 1 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 I congratulated him on his achievement, and 
 as I was suspicious he had been helped at home i 
 I asked him how he came to write this. He' 
 then said to me that on his way home he had 
 seen in the station a large advertisement of a 
 tooth-paste maker. The advertisement consisted 
 of a huge woman's head, showing two rows of 
 beautiful teeth, with this inscription : 
 
 " Avec de belles dents jamais femme ne fut 
 laide." 
 
 He had come to the conclusion that this 
 French phrase could help him, and he took it 
 down at the station. 
 
 This young Briton has a great future before 
 li i in . 
 
 A boy having to translate " I have gone out," 
 begins by writing "fat." That is understood, 
 When afterwards he finds that the verb sortir is 
 conjugated with the auxiliary etre, he changes 
 fat \n\.ojc suis. Nine times out of ten he trusts 
 his memory, or rather he leaves it to chance, and 
 he keeps fai. 
 
 French books are loaded with facts, but few 
 with explanations. 
 
 All the French grammars I know publish the 
 list of the neuter verbs that are conjugated .with 
 the auxiliary etre, but none give boys the reason
 
 John Hull, Jr. 93 
 
 why these verbs are conjugated with fare and not 
 with avoir. Boys learn this list of verbs and for- 
 get it, and you know little of boys' nature if you 
 imagine that they will consult their grammar at 
 every turn. Some do, to be sure, but how many ? 
 
 I do not know of one French grammar that 
 tells students that neuter verbs, which express a 
 state as well as an action, or rather that neuter 
 verbs which express that a state is enjoyed as soon 
 as the action is over, are conjugated with fare. 
 
 A boy will understand you, and remember what 
 you say, if you tell him : 
 
 " As soon as you have died, you are dead. This 
 is why the verb mourir, expressing the state of 
 being dead, as soon as the action of dying is over, 
 has to be conjugated with fare" 
 
 " As soon as you have arrived, you are arrived." 
 
 " As soon as you have been born, you are born." 
 
 " Therefore all these verbs arriver, naitre, venir, 
 sortir, partir, etc., are conjugated with fare" 
 
 " By this reasoning, with courir (to run) you 
 get an absurdity. ' As soon as you have run you 
 are run ' is an absurdity. Therefore courir, ex- 
 pressing only an action, not a state, takes avoir" 
 
 Yes, boys will understand all that, and noth- 
 ing gives them more pleasure than having their 
 minds satisfied with a little explanatory food. I 
 have seen rays of happy satisfaction flashing over 
 scores of young faces as ihey got hold of these 
 facts.
 
 94 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 For the same reason, reflexive verbs are con- 
 jugated with itre, because they also express that 
 a state is enjoyed as soon as the action is over. 
 
 " As soon as you hai^e washed yourself you 
 are washed if you have done it properly, of 
 course." 
 
 Tell the boys so, and they will laugh, and 
 they will understand you, and they will be grate- 
 ful to you. 
 
 I could give hundreds of instances in which a 
 few explanatory words would settle grammatical 
 facts in boys' minds ; but, although I am tempted 
 at almost every page to turn this book into a 
 class-book, I must bear in mind that my aim is 
 not to instruct, and pass on.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 95 
 
 IX. 
 
 How TO BE HAPPY THOUGH A SCHOOLMASTER. SUGGES- 
 TIONS AND HINTS FOR THE CLASS-ROOM. BOYS ON HIS- 
 TORY AND GEOGRAPHY. "MAXIMS" AND "WISE 
 THOUGHTS." ADVICE TO THOSE ABOUT TO TEACH. 
 "SIR," AND NOT " Mossoo." " FRAULEINS " AND 
 " MADEMOISELLES." " CHECK " YOUR LOVE FOR BOYS. 
 No CREDIT. WE ARE ALL LIABLE TO MAKE MIS- 
 TAKES. I GET AN INSIGHT INTO " STOCKS." 
 
 I KNOW masters who spend their time looking at 
 their books with their heads downwards, and 
 who only occasionally lift them up to say to a 
 boisterous class : 
 
 " Now then, now then ! " 
 
 , They might as well tell the boys : " Just take 
 a minute's rest, my dears, will you ? In a mo- 
 ment I shall be looking at my desk again, then 
 you will be able to go on." 
 
 Face the boys, or you will be nowhere. 
 
 Always be lively. If you once let the boys go 
 to sleep, you will never wake them up again.
 
 96 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 Always look the same in face and person. 
 Your moustache curtailed, your whiskers shaved, 
 or the usual shape of your coat altered, will 
 cause a revolution in your class. 
 
 Never show your temper if you have one, and 
 keep the changes of your temperature for the 
 benefit of your wife and family. If you once 
 show your boys that they have enough power to 
 disturb your equilibrium and interfere with your 
 happiness, it is for them a victory, the results of 
 which they will always make you feel. 
 
 If you are annoyed by a boy constantly chat- 
 ting with his neighbors, see if he has a brother 
 in the class. If he has, place them side by side, 
 and peace will be restored. Brothers will some- 
 times quarrel in class, but have a quiet chat to- 
 gether, never. 
 
 Never overpraise clever boys, or they will 
 never do another stroke of work. Never snub 
 the dull ones ; you don't know that it is not out 
 of modesty that they will not shine over their 
 schoolfellows.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 97 
 
 Never ask young English public schoolboys 
 any questions on history that may be suggested 
 to you by the proper names you will come across 
 in the text. Their knowledge of history * does 
 not go much beyond the certainty that Shake- 
 speare was not a great Roman warrior, although 
 his connection with Julius Caesar, Antony, and 
 Coriolanus keep a good many still undecided as 
 to the times he lived in. 
 
 Ask them under whose reign Ben Jonson 
 flourished, and you will be presented by them 
 with a general survey of English history from the 
 Norman Conquest to the reign of Her Most 
 Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria. A good 
 many will also take the opportunity of making a 
 show of their knowledge of literary history (the 
 temptation is irresistible), and add that he was a 
 great man who wrote a good dictionary, and was 
 once kept waiting for a long time in Lord Ches- 
 terfield's antechamber, " which he did not like." 
 Boys are generally good at historical anecdotes, 
 a remnant of their early training. 
 
 * I mean " modern history '," for although public school- 
 boys know little or nothing of ATarlborough and Wellington, 
 they could "write volumes about Pericles, Scipio, and Hanni- 
 bal. Ask them something about the Reform Bill, the Re- 
 peal of the Corn Laws, or the causes which, led to American 
 Independence, and you will have little essays worth insert- 
 ing in a comic paper.
 
 98 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 We once had to put into French the following 
 sentence : 
 
 " Frederick the Great of Prussia had the por- 
 trait of the young Emperor in every room of his 
 Sans-Souci Palace, and being asked the reason 
 why he thus honored the portrait of his greatest 
 enemy, answered that the Emperor was a busy, 
 enterprising young monarch, and that he found 
 it necessary always to have an eye upon him." 
 
 I asked the class who this Emperor was that 
 Frederick the Great seemed to fear so much, and 
 I obtained many answers, including Alexander 
 the Great and most well-known imperial rulers 
 down to Napoleon the First ; but not one named 
 Joseph II. of Austria. 
 
 Another time we were translating a piece of 
 Massillon, taken from his celebrated Petit 
 Careme. 
 
 When we came to the following passage, in his 
 sermon on Flattery: " The Lord," once said the 
 holy King, " shall cut off all flattering lips, 
 and the tongue that speaketh proud things," I 
 asked the boys, who, by-the-bye, were referred in 
 the notes to Psalm xii. 3, who was this holy King 
 mentioned by Massillon ? 
 
 The first answer was " Charles I." The second 
 was " Saint Louis," and I should not probably 
 have received the proper answer if I had not 
 expressed my astonishment at finding that no-
 
 John Bull, Jr. 99 
 
 body in the class seemed to know who wrote the 
 Psalms. 
 
 Even after this remark of mine, many boys 
 remained silent ; but at last one timidly sug- 
 gested " David." 
 
 He did not seem to be quite sure. 
 
 " This," I thought to myself at the time, " is 
 hardly an encouragement to make children read 
 the Bible twice a day from the time they can 
 spell." 
 
 The knowledge of geography is not more wide- 
 spread than the knowledge of history among 
 these same boys. So, if you have no time to 
 waste don't ask them where places are. 
 
 They know where England is ; they know more 
 or less precisely the position of India, Canada, 
 Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good Hope, 
 and such other spots of the earth as are marked 
 in red on the maps published in England. 
 
 France, Russia, Germany, Austria, Italy, 
 Spain, Turkey, they could after a few hesitations 
 find out on the map of Europe, but as they are 
 not marked in red, their patriotism prevents 
 them from taking any more interest in these 
 countries. 
 
 France, however, is rather interesting to them 
 as being a part of the globe in which the French 
 irregular verbs come by nature.
 
 ioo John Bull, Jr. 
 
 Never expect any thanks for all the trouble 
 you have taken over your pupils. 
 
 When boys succeed in their examinations, it 
 is owing to their intelligence and industry ; when 
 they fail, it is owing to the bad teaching of their 
 masters. Boys can do no wrong ; get this well 
 engraven on your minds. 
 
 When a boy laughs at a mistake made by a 
 schoolfellow, do not believe that he does so out 
 of contempt, and that he knows better. Ask him 
 for the answer immediately, and he will be as 
 quiet as you please. 
 
 If you observe him a little, you will see that he 
 never begins to laugh before you have declared 
 the answer of his schoolfellow to be wrong ; he 
 would never know himself. 
 
 I always carefully prepared the piece of French 
 that my pupils had to translate, in order to be 
 ready with all the questions suggested to me by 
 the text ; but I never prepared composition : I 
 preferred working it in class with them, so as to 
 show them that scores of French sentences 
 properly rendered an English one. I think it is 
 a mistake to impose one rendering of an English 
 sentence. Anybody can do this with a key.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 101 
 
 Be not solemn in class, nor aim at astonishing 
 the boys with your eloquence. 
 
 To look at their staring eyes and gaping 
 mouths, you may perhaps imagine that they are 
 lost in ecstatic admiration. Look again, they are 
 all yawning. 
 
 When you have made the personal acquain- 
 tance of the boys who are to make up a class 
 during the term, you can easily assign to them 
 seats that will not perhaps please them, but 
 which will insure peace. A quiet boy placed 
 between two noisy chatterboxes, or a chatterbox 
 placed between two solemn boys, will go a long 
 way towards securing your comfort and hap- 
 piness. The easiest class-room to manage is the 
 one furnished with separate desks. Then you 
 may easily carry the government on the old 
 principle of Divide et regna. 
 
 If you see a boy put his hand before his mouth 
 whilst he is talking, snub him hard for it. Tell 
 him that, when you were a boy and wanted to 
 have a quiet chat with a neighbor, you were not 
 so silly as to thus draw the master's attention 
 and get your little conversation disturbed.
 
 102 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 We are none of us infallible, not even the 
 youngest of us, as the late Master of Trinity 
 College, Cambridge, once wittily remarked. 
 
 Never be tired of asking for advice ; you will 
 become a good schoolmaster only on condition 
 that you will take constant advice from the old 
 stagers. 
 
 If, however, you should discover that, in the 
 middle of your lesson, your pupils are all sound 
 asleep, don't go and tell the head-master, and 
 ask him how you should set about keeping them 
 awake. This is beyond his advice. 
 
 The General commanding a French military 
 school had once decided upon having a lecture 
 on Hygiene given to the pupils on Monday after- 
 noons. The day was badly chosen. A French 
 Sunday always means for a French boy a little 
 dissipation in the shape of a good dinner at 
 home or with friends, and on Monday after- 
 noons we generally felt ready for a little doze, 
 if the lecture was in the least prosy. 
 
 The lecturer, tired of addressing sleeping 
 audiences, lodged a complaint with the General, 
 and asked that his lecture should henceforth 
 take place on another day of the week. 
 
 This could not be arranged, but the General 
 soon decided upon a plan to set matters to rights.
 
 John Hull, Jr. 103 
 
 " I will place a basof * in the room," he said ; 
 "he will take down the names of all those who 
 go to sleep, and I shall have them kept in on the 
 following Sunday." 
 
 When the lecturer made his next appearance, 
 followed by the basof, we thought it would be 
 prudent to listen, and the lesson passed off with- 
 out accident. 
 
 The following Monday, however, the poor 
 lecturer had not proceeded very far, when he 
 discovered that we were all asleep and that so 
 was the basof. 
 
 Of course the General inflicted a severe 
 punishment upon us, and also upon the offend- 
 ing Cerberus. 
 
 Moral. I believe that, if a lecturer or a 
 master had gone to complain to an English head- 
 master that all his pupils went to sleep whilst he 
 lectured, the head-master would have answered 
 him : 
 
 " My dear sir, if your lecture sends your 
 audience to sleep, it is your fault, not mine, and 
 I don't see how I can help you." 
 
 And the sooner the man sent in his resigna- 
 tion, the better for the comfort of all concerned. 
 
 * Abbreviation of " bas-officier " (non-commissioned officer).
 
 104 John ull, Jr. 
 
 If you are a Frenchman, never allow your 
 boys to call you Mossoo, My shoo, Mounzeer, or 
 any other British adaptation of Monsieur. If 
 you do, you may just as well allow them to pat 
 you on the back and call you "Old chappie." 
 They should call you " Sir," otherwise you will 
 lose your footing and fail to be the colleague of 
 the English masters. You will only be the 
 Mossoo of the place, something, in the world, 
 like the Mademoiselle (from Paris), or the 
 Fraulein (from Hanover), of the Establishment 
 for Young Ladies round the corner. 
 
 All the Frauleins come from Hanover, as all 
 the Mademoiselles are Parisian and Protestants, 
 if I am to believe the column of scholastic ad- 
 vertisements in the English newspapers. 
 
 This is wonderful, is it not ? 
 
 If you set any value on your reputation and 
 your time, never carry the interest which you 
 naturally take in your pupils the length of invit- 
 ing them to come to your house to receive extra 
 teaching at your hands, unless it be as a means 
 of improving your revenue. 
 
 I once determined to devote all my Saturday
 
 John JBull, Jr. 105 
 
 evenings to two young fellows whom I was 
 anxious to pass through the Indian Civil Service 
 examination. I thus worked with them five 
 months. Their fathers were men of position. 
 I never received so much as a post-card of thanks 
 from them. If I had charged them a guinea for 
 each visit, I should have received two checks 
 with " many thanks for my valuable services," 
 which would have benefited my banking account 
 and given satisfaction to my professional vanity. 
 I have since " checked " my love for boys. 
 
 Shun interviews with parents, mothers espe- 
 cially, as you would the plague. Leave this 
 privilege to the head-master, who is paid hand- 
 somely for these little drawbacks to his position. 
 If they invite you to dinner, do not fall into the 
 snare, but remember that a previous engagement 
 prevents you from having the pleasure of accept- 
 ing their kind invitation. Never enter into cor- 
 respondence with them on the subject of " their 
 dear boy." If, to inflict scruples on your con- 
 science, they should enclose a stamped envelope, 
 give a penny to the first beggar you meet on 
 leaving school. Relieve the conscience, but, 
 whatever you do, don't answer. 
 
 Always pretend you have not seen a breach of
 
 io6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 discipline when you are not quite sure about the 
 offender, or, when sure, you can not bring a 
 clear charge against him. You have no time for 
 investigations. 
 
 Wait for another chance. A boy never rests 
 upon an unpunished offence. 
 
 Offence and punishment should be exchanged 
 like shots. 
 
 No credit : cash: 
 
 If you correct little boys' copies yourself, you 
 will find that you have undertaken a long and 
 wearisome task that brings no result. When 
 you return these copies, they are received with 
 thanks, folded up, carefully pocketed, and never 
 looked at again. Make the boys reserve a good 
 wide margin for the corrections. Underline all 
 their mistakes, and, under your eyes, make them 
 correct the mistakes themselves. 
 
 However well up you may be in your subjects, 
 you are sure to find yourself occasionally trip- 
 ping. The derivation of a certain word will 
 escape you for a moment, or the right transla- 
 tion of another will not come to your mind 
 quickly enough. With grown-up and intelligent 
 young fellows in advanced classes, no need to
 
 John B 'it II, Jr. 107 
 
 apologise. But with little boys you must remem- 
 ber that you are an oracle. Never for a moment 
 let them doubt your infallibility ; call up all the 
 resources of your ingenuity, and find a way out 
 of the difficulty. So a good actor, whose 
 memory fails him for the time, calls upon his 
 imagination to supply its place. And must not 
 any man, who would gain and keep the ear of a 
 mixed audience, be a bit of an actor, let his 
 theatre be the hustings, the church, or the class- 
 room ? Has not a master to appear perfectly 
 cross when he is perfectly cool, or perfectly cool 
 when he is perfectly cross? Is not fhis acting ? 
 
 It once fell to my unhappy lot to be requested 
 to take an arithmetic class twice a week, during 
 the temporary absence of a mathematical mas- 
 ter. In my youth I was a little of a mathema- 
 tician, but figures I was always bad at. As for 
 English sums, with their bewildering complica- 
 tions of pounds, shillings, pence, and farthings, 
 which that practical people still fondly cling to, 
 it has always been a subject of wonder to me 
 how the English themselves do them. How I 
 piloted those dear boys through Bills of Parcels 
 I don't know ; but it is a fact that we got on 
 pretty well till we reached " Stocks." Here my 
 path grew very thorny. 
 
 One morning the boys all came with the same 
 sad story. None had been able to do one of 
 the sums I had given them from the book. They
 
 io8 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 had all tried ; their brothers had tried ; their 
 fathers had tried ; not one could do it. 
 
 A short look at it convinced me that I should 
 have no more chance of success than all those 
 Britons, young and old, but it would never do to 
 let my pupils know this. They must suppose 
 that those few moments had been sufficient for 
 me to master the sum in. So, assuming my most 
 solemn voice, I said : 
 
 " Why, boys, do you mean to tell me you can 
 not do such a simple sum as this ? " 
 
 " No, we can't, sir," was the general cry. 
 
 " Why, Robinson, not even you ? " I said to 
 the top boy. " I always considered you a sharp 
 lad. Jones, you cannot ? Nor Brown ? Well, 
 well; it's too bad." 
 
 And, putting on a look of pitying contempt 
 which must have been quite a success, to judge 
 by the dejection written on the faces before 
 me I proceeded to give them a little lecture on 
 their arithmetical shortcomings. I felt saved. 
 It was near the time for dismissing the class. 
 
 " Boys," said I, to finish up, *' I must have 
 been sadly mistaken in you ; the best thing we 
 can do is to go back to addition and subtraction 
 to-morrow." 
 
 Without being quite so hard as that upon 
 them, I set them an easy task for the next les- 
 son; the bell rang, and the boys dispersed. 
 
 1 immediately went to the head mathematical
 
 John Bull, Jr. 109 
 
 master, and had the difficulty explained away in 
 a few seconds. 
 
 How simple things are when they are ex- 
 plained, to be sure ! 
 
 Armed with a new insight into Stocks, I was 
 ready for my young friends the following Fri- 
 day. After the ordinary work had been got 
 through: 
 
 "Now," I said, "have you had another try at 
 that sum, any of you ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir ; but we can't do it," was the reply. 
 
 " Well," I said, in a relenting tone, as I went 
 to the blackboard, "I suppose we had better do 
 it together." 
 
 I made the boys confess it was too stupid of 
 them to have proved unequal to this simple sum; 
 and thus they regained my good graces. 
 
 Later in the day I received the glad tidings 
 that the master I replaced was better (goodness 
 knows if I had prayed for the return of his 
 health!). He was to have his boys next time. 
 
 Thus was I enabled to retire from the field 
 with flying colors. 
 
 If you do not love boys, never be a school- 
 master. If you love boys and wish to become a 
 schoolmaster, see that you are a good disciplin- 
 arian, or take Punch's advice to those about to 
 marry: 
 
 " Pon't,"
 
 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 X. 
 
 ENGLISH BOYS' PATRIOTISM PUT TO A SEVERE TEST. 
 THEIR OPINION OF FRENCH VICTORIES. KING Louis 
 VI. OF FRANCE AND THE ENGLISH SOLDIER AT THE 
 BATTLE OF BRENNEVILLE. AN ENGLISH BOY ON 
 FRENCH WRESTLING. YOUNG TORY DEMOCRATS. 
 'IMPERIUM ET LlBERTAS.' A PATRIOTIC ANSWER. 
 DUCK AND DRAKE. 
 
 I AM afraid I often put the patriotism of Eng- 
 lish boys to a severe test. 
 
 I generally liked to place in their hands such 
 books as would relate to them the glorious past 
 of France, and teach them to respect her. Let 
 those who do not love their country throw the 
 first stone at me. 
 
 Bossuet's " Funeral Orations," Voltaire's "Sie- 
 cle de Louis XIV.," D'Aubigne's " History of 
 Bayard," Bonnechose's " Lazare Hoche," were 
 among my favorite text-books. 
 
 I need not say that I always avoided recom- 
 mending historical books which, like Bonne- 
 chose's " Bertrand du Guesclin," for instance, 
 referred to struggles between France and Eng- 
 land. For obvious reasons, I have always pre-
 
 Jo/in u//, Jr. 1 1 1 
 
 ferred reading the accounts of the battles of 
 Cressy, Poictiers, and Agincourt in French his- 
 tories to reading them in English ones ;* and I 
 imagined that Bertrand du Guesclin would not 
 inspire in my pupils the same admiration as he 
 did in us French bovs. 
 
 But what fiery patriots these British lads are ! 
 Why, they would like to monopolize all the vic- 
 tories mentioned in history. 
 
 Bossuet's panegyric of Louis XIV. drove them 
 frantic, half mad. Dear little fellows ! they 
 were wriggling with pain on their seats as we 
 were reading: " This king, the terror of his ene- 
 mies, who holds the destinies of Europe in the 
 hollow of his hand and strikes with awe the 
 whole astonished world." 
 
 "The whole world struck with awe!" that 
 could not be. Surely Bossuet ought to have 
 said " with the exception of England " a sad 
 omission on his part. 
 
 "Who is it Bossuet is speaking of?" once 
 remarked a good little patriot, on hearing this 
 sentence. 
 
 * / have ahvays been doubtful whether these battles are 
 properly related in histories published in England.
 
 ii2 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 " Louis XIV." 
 
 "Louis XIV.?" 
 
 " Yes ; never heard of him ? " 
 
 I don't think he had. 
 
 Bayard they all liked. His personal deeds of 
 valor appealed to their young imaginations. His 
 athletic powers especially stirred their hearts 
 with admiration. 
 
 Besides, his exploits took place such a long 
 time ago that they felt ready to be lenient to- 
 wards him. 
 
 We once came across the name of Louis VI. 
 of France in some French text, and I was un- 
 fortunate enough to mention in class that, at the 
 battle of Brenneville, an English soldier came up 
 to the French king, and called upon him to sur- 
 render, when Louis VI. remarked : " Don't you 
 know that, at chess, the king cannot be taken 
 prisoner ? " and immediately struck the English 
 soldier dead on the spot. 
 
 The boys seemed displeased. They looked 
 at one another ; it was evident that they thought 
 there was something wrong. The dose was too 
 strong for them to swallow. 
 
 I inquired of a little lad, who appeared par- 
 ticularly distressed, what was the matter. 
 
 " Please, sir," he said, " did not the English 
 soldier try to kill the French king?"
 
 John Bull, Jr. 113 
 
 "Well, I suppose he did," I replied; "but 
 King Louis VI. was very strong, you know." 
 
 " He must have been ! " he remarked, no 
 doubt feeling more comfortable after my ex- 
 planation. 
 
 This historical anecdote of an Englishman al- 
 lowing himself to be felled to the ground by a 
 Frenchman puts me in mind of a little conversa- 
 tion I heard in my school-days. 
 
 Two young boys, one French, the other Eng- 
 lish, were talking athletics in the playground, 
 and the English boy asked his young friend to 
 explain to him the principles of French wrest- 
 ling. 
 
 The little French lad proceeded, in a viva- 
 cious manner, to describe the successive moves 
 of the sport. 
 
 He used the first person singular to make his 
 description more forcible. 
 
 " First," he said, " I wmild get a good grasp of 
 your waist with my right arm, whilst I would 
 collar you with my left one ; then, don't you 
 see, I would twist my right leg round one of 
 yours ; then " 
 
 "Ah! but wait a minute," exclaimed the 
 English boy, with a smile. " What should I be 
 doing all this time ? Looking at you, I sup- 
 pose?"
 
 H4 John J3ull, Jr. 
 
 It was at the meetings of our French Debating 
 Society that free play was given to youthful 
 patriotism. Good heavens ! what a tabula rasa 
 of the map of the world ! What fresh jewels 
 added to the British crown ! I don't think 
 there is a single little corner of the globe worth 
 mentioning that these boys did not lay their 
 hands on. With what a crushing majority the 
 " Peace, Retrenchment, and Reform " policy 
 was defeated ! Was it not an insult to this 
 glorious country to suggest that a reform was 
 needed ? 
 
 " The Liberals," exclaimed a young member, 
 with a movement of Homeric indignation, "may 
 be appreciated in Russia, but they are not Eng- 
 lishmen." 
 
 French eolltgiens are red radicals, socialists, 
 anarchists, revolutionists until they leave 
 school. As I have said elsewhere, leading the 
 lives of prisoners, they dream wild dreams of 
 liberty, they gasp for freedom. 
 
 Young Britons, enjoying liberty from tender 
 years, are perfectly satisfied with their lot, and 
 are mostly Conservatives. They identify Con- 
 servatism with patriotism ; and if the Franchise 
 were extended to them, the Liberal Party would 
 have seen its best days. 
 
 The new political school inaugurated by Lord
 
 John Bull, Jr. 115 
 
 Randolph Churchill is greatly in favor with Eng- 
 lish boys ; we had many Tory Democrats among 
 us. 
 
 " Imperium et Libertas " are two words which 
 sound pleasantly in young English ears : the 
 possession of a mighty Empire, and the enjoy- 
 ment of that " thrice sweet and gracious god- 
 dess," Liberty. 
 
 I once asked a little English lad why his com- 
 patriots ate roast goose on the 29th of Septem- 
 ber, the anniversary of the defeat of the Spanish 
 Armada. 
 
 "Because," he answered proudly, "the King 
 of Spain was such a goose as to come and attack 
 our navy ! " 
 
 A colleague of mine asked the same question 
 in a different manner, and obtained an equally 
 wonderful answer. 
 
 " What is it the English eat on the 2pth of 
 September to commemorate the defeat of the 
 Spanish Armada ?" he asked. 
 
 " Roast duck, sir, because it was Drake who 
 beat the Spanish ! "
 
 u6 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 XI. 
 
 CRICKET. I HAVE AN UNSUCCESSFUL TRY AT IT. BOYS' 
 OPINION OF MY ATHLETIC QUALITIES. FRENCH AND 
 ENGLISH ATHLETES FEATS OF SKILL AND STRENGTH 
 VERSUS FEATS OF ENDURANCE AND BRUTE FORCE. A 
 CASE OF EVICTION BY FORCE OF ARMS. 
 
 I NEVER tried my hand at cricket but once, 
 and did not get on very well. 
 
 I was entrusted with the bat. It was a heavy 
 responsibility. When I saw the ball come I hit 
 hard at it, but missed it. The nasty thing struck 
 me a woful blow on the jaw. 
 
 I did not see much in the game, and I with- 
 drew. 
 
 Yet I confess that, as I began to understand 
 the rules of cricket, I also began to conceive a 
 certain amount of admiration for the game at 
 a respectful distance. 
 
 I always suspected the boys did not entertain 
 any great opinion of my athletic powers. The
 
 John JButt, Jr. 117 
 
 following anecdote, related to me by some ladies, 
 friends of mine, set my mind at rest on the sub- 
 ject. 
 
 These ladies, it appears, were traveling one 
 day on the London District line. In the same 
 compartment happened to be half-a-dozen boys, 
 who we're going to our annual school sports. 
 The boys soon began to discuss the respective 
 merits of the favorite runners, as well as their 
 chances, and I am not quite sure that a little 
 betting was not indulged in ; but this the ladies 
 did not tell me, and you must never run the risk 
 of bringing unfounded charges against boys. 
 
 Presently a little fellow suggested that much 
 fun would be added to the sport by the intro- 
 duction of a master's race in the programme, 
 and naturally this led the conversation to the 
 athletic merits of the masters. 
 
 Said one of the merry company : 
 
 " What do you think of the French master ? " 
 
 " Not much," said the chorus. 
 
 " Well, he is powerfully built," intimated one 
 with a knowing look, who was, perhaps, bringing 
 some personal recollection to bear on the 
 subject. 
 
 " Yes," said another ; "but he is too fat ; he 
 has no wind. He would be nowhere." 
 
 " What would you take him at ? " asked the 
 one with a knowing look. 
 
 " Sixty to one," was the reply.
 
 n8 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 Some discussion took place, and I " closed " at 
 fifty to one. 
 
 Thus was my case settled. 
 
 As to the matter of athletics, to which English 
 boys are such devotees, I cannot help thinking 
 that they are overdone, made a hobby of, and, 
 like most hobbies in England, ridden to excess. 
 No doubt it is a fine thing for a boy to have 
 plenty of outdoor amusements ; it is good for 
 him to be an adept at running, leaping, climbing, 
 swimming ; but what in the world does he learn 
 at football, the great winter game of the English 
 schoolboy ? Why do the English so neglect 
 pastimes that would develop dexterity of hand 
 and limb, and devote themselves to a game which 
 seems to me to teach nothing except respect of 
 brute force ? 
 
 " Oh ! but it cultivates their powers of endur- 
 ance," says somebody. 
 
 That is true, I believe ; although, from what 
 I have seen of the two, I never could discover 
 that an Englishman was more patient under the 
 toothache than a Frenchman. 
 
 Now, to get bruised ribs and dislocated shoul- 
 ders in practicing flights out of second and third 
 storey windows I should understand ; an accom- 
 plishment of that kind might be useful in case
 
 John Bull, Jr. 119 
 
 of fire ; but to what end does all the bruising of 
 football tend ? 
 
 The game of football itself seems to be the 
 end, and " not a means to an end," as, I believe, 
 Mr. Matthew Arnold has remarked. 
 
 Yet, behold John Bull, junior, on the football 
 ground ! The hero of a bad cause, but for all 
 that a hero ; a lusty little fellow, fearless, hardy, 
 strong-knit, iron-muscled, and mule-headed, who, 
 rather than let go a ball that he holds firmly in 
 his arms, will perform feats of valor ; who, 
 simply to pass this ball between two goals, will 
 grovel in the dust, reckless of lacerated shoulders, 
 a broken rib or jaw-bone, and will die on a bed 
 of suffering with a smile upon his lips if he can 
 only hear, before closing his eyes, that his side 
 has won the game. 
 
 Speaking from my experience, I should say 
 that at gymnastic exercises, and all pastimes 
 requiring a little skill, French boys are more than 
 the equals of John Bull, junior. They are bet- 
 ter at leaping, climbing, and wrestling. As for 
 swimming, ine out of ten French boys are good 
 swimmers. They do not want to emulate Cap-
 
 120 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 tain Webb's feats when they grow up, because 
 the object or beauty of such feats as his has 
 never been revealed to them. 
 
 But that is the Englishman all through. 
 
 Can he swim well ? Then he must straight- 
 way swim across the English Channel ; he must 
 outswim his fellow-creatures ; he must be the 
 champion of the world, and have the betting in 
 his favor, until he turns his gift into a hobby, 
 sets off on it, and, to the entertainment of a few 
 Yankee excursionists, ends by being drowned 
 in the Niagara Falls. 
 
 As for the savate, the cannc, fencing, which 
 all bring the wits into play as well as the muscles, 
 they, even the last-named, are very little known 
 or practiced in England. In these most young 
 Frenchmen are well up, and as for gymnastic 
 exercises they are more practiced in France than 
 in England, although the English boy fondly 
 imagines he is at the top of the ladder in all 
 matters athletic. 
 
 The craze for athletics has inculcated in 
 English boys the admiration for physical strength. 
 This they like to find in their masters, as well 
 as firmness of mind.
 
 Jo/in Hull, Jr. 121 
 
 It is not necessary that masters should use 
 the former. Not by any means ; but there it is, 
 and they might use it. 
 
 There is nothing to inspire people with peace- 
 ful dispositions like the sight of a good display 
 of war material. 
 
 An ex-colleague of mine became very popular 
 by the following occurrence, the tale of which 
 spread through the school like wildfire. 
 
 This gentleman used to teach in a little class- 
 room that led to the playground. One day a 
 big boy of seventeen opened the door from the 
 building, coolly crossed the room, and was about 
 to open the door opposite to let himself out, 
 when my friend caught hold of him by the collar, 
 lifted him off the ground, and, to the stupefaction 
 of the boys, carried him back through the room, 
 as he would have a dog by the skin of his neck, 
 and quietly dropped him outside the door he had 
 entered by. Not a word was uttered, not an 
 Oh ! not an AJi ! The performance, if I remem- 
 ber rightly, terminated somewhat comically. 
 The boy had on a paper-collar, which remained 
 as a trophy in the master's hands. 
 
 It was, as you see, a case of eviction vi etarmis, 
 by the force of arms.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 XII. 
 
 OLD PUPILS. ACQUAINTANCES RENEWED. LIVELY RECOL- 
 LECTIONS REVIVED. IT is EASIER TO TEACH FRENCH 
 THAN TO LEARN IT. TESTIMONIAL REFUSED TO A FRENCH 
 MASTER. " How DE DO ? " " THAT'S WHAT-D'YE-CALL 
 HIM, THE FRENCH MASTER." 
 
 I LIKE meeting old pupils, especially those who, 
 I am vain enough to think, owe to me a little 
 part of their success in life. 
 
 Others have greatly improved since they left 
 school. I used to consider them hopelessly stu- 
 pid, and now I see them able to speak on gen- 
 eral topics with a great amount of common sense. 
 Though they were not fit for scnool, they are fit 
 for the world. They have good manners and are 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Some you cannot recognize with their "chim- 
 ney-pots "; some will take no notice of you. 
 
 Some will come and shake hands with you, 
 and make a tardy acknowledgment of the debt 
 they owe you ; some will express their regret 
 that they do not owe you more. 
 
 Some will approach you diffidently, and with 
 a grin :
 
 John Bull, Jr. 123 
 
 " How do you do, sir ? Don't you know me ? 
 I am So-and-So." 
 
 " To be sure I do." 
 
 " Don't you remember I once threw a paper 
 ball in the room, and it fell on your desk by 
 accident ? " 
 
 " To be sure. And don't you remember what 
 you got for it ? " 
 
 " Indeed I do. But that was an accident, you 
 know, sir." 
 
 " I dare say it was. And how are you getting 
 on ?" 
 
 " Pretty well. I am in a bank." 
 
 " Adding pounds, shillings, and pence ? " 
 
 "Yes rather slow sport." 
 
 " Slow, yes, when the pounds, shillings, and 
 pence don't belong to you." 
 
 '' You are right, sir." 
 
 "Well, you might, perhaps, have done better 
 for yourself ; you were an able boy." 
 
 "I don't know about that, but I often regret I 
 did not avail myself of the advantages that were 
 offered to me." 
 
 A repentant boy is always a sad sight, and one 
 to be shunned. You comfort him, wish him suc- 
 cess, and shake hands. 
 
 The interest you have taken in boys at school
 
 124 JoJin J3ull, Jr. 
 
 is put to a severe test when you receive a letter 
 like the following : 
 
 " DEAR SIR : 
 
 " I have decided on doing a little teaching 
 while my father is trying to obtain a situa- 
 tion for me. I know the interest you have al- 
 ways taken in me and my welfare, and I write to 
 ask if you will kindly give me a testimonial as to 
 my ability to teach French. I am aware that I 
 always was, and am still, a very poor French 
 scholar, so that i can ask for a testimonial from 
 you only as a great personal favor ; but I hope 
 you will not refuse me." 
 
 After thanking me for past, present, and fu- 
 ture kindnesses, he subscribes himself "My obe- 
 dient and grateful pupil." 
 
 This boy, having heard me one day say in 
 class that it was easier to be examiner than to be 
 examined, had probably come to the conclusion 
 that it was also easier to teach French than to 
 learn it. 
 
 A testimonial from me could have but very 
 little value ; still, the poor boy had to add to his 
 experiences that it was easier to ask for one than 
 to obtain it.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 125 
 
 Some old pupils approach you with a patron- 
 izing " How de do ? " 
 
 When asked by a friend who it was they had 
 spoken to, they replied : 
 
 " Oh ! that's What-d'ye-call-him, the French 
 master a rather nice fellow, you know." 
 
 This was an excuse for condescending to speak 
 to him. 
 
 They were under him for ten years only, and 
 they could hardly be expected to remember his
 
 126 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 DEBATING SOCIETIES. A DISCUSSION ON THE PERNICIOUS 
 USE OF TOBACCO. SCHOOL MAGAZINES IN FRANCE AND 
 ENGLAND. A BUSINESS-LIKE LITTLE BRITON. AN IM- 
 PORTANT RESOLUTION PASSED UNANIMOUSLY. I PERFORM 
 AN ENGLISHMAN'S DUTY. 
 
 LIKE their seniors in Great Britain, English boys 
 have a little weakness for airing their virtuous 
 sentiments in public, and the school debating 
 societies offer them ample opportunity of giving 
 them full play. 
 
 I was once present at a debate on " The Use of 
 Tobacco." Forty young fellows from seventeen 
 to nineteen years of age took part in it. I never 
 was so edified in my life. The dear boys beat 
 Alphonse Karr in their diatribes against the use 
 of tobacco. 
 
 " Of course," remarked one member, " it is 
 somewhat pretentious of me to speak of tobacco, 
 as, I am happy to say, I have no experience of 
 it. But I have read a great deal on the subject, 
 and all our scientific men are unanimous in con- 
 demning the use of this baneful plant."
 
 John Bull, Jr. 127 
 
 " The Use of Tobacco " was condemned by a 
 show of hands, nem. con. 
 
 It would be wicked to suppose that any 
 member had a little book of " Persian Rice " 
 paper, and half an ounce of " Straight Cut " in his 
 pocket, wouldn't it ? 
 
 Our school magazine, edited by the boys, is a 
 well-conducted and interesting record of school 
 events. I can never look at it, printed as it is 
 on beautiful paper, without going back to my 
 school-days in France. We had a. magazine of 
 our own, too, but we had to write out two copies 
 of each issue ourselves, and keep them locked in 
 our desks. If we were caught reading them they 
 were confiscated, and we were punished. In 
 English public schools the masters subscribe, and 
 not uncommonly write, for the magazine. The 
 result is that, in England, the periodical is made 
 up of wholesome literary essays, poetry, school 
 news and anecdotes, reports of athletic and other 
 meetings, etc., whereas, in France, it mainly con- 
 sists of satires against the college and caricatures 
 of the masters. 
 
 In a small private preparatory school where I 
 attended for a short time, the little boys (four-
 
 128 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 teen in number) one day resolved to start a mag- 
 azine. I was asked to preside at the meeting. 
 Of course a printed paper was out of the ques- 
 tion, and it was decided at the meeting that each 
 of the boys would write it out in turn. Pres- 
 ently a true-born little Briton proposed that an 
 annual dinner, in connection with the paper, 
 should take place. As it was doubtful whether 
 the magazine would enjoy life very long, an 
 amendment, moved by another business-like 
 member, was seized by the forelock, to the effect 
 that the annual dinner should take place at once, 
 and was passed unanimously. The discussion of 
 the menu was then entered into, strong prefer- 
 ence being manifested for tarts and cream and 
 doughnuts. I most solemnly signed the minute 
 of the previous meeting, and retired with the 
 feeling that I had performed the work of a good 
 British citizen.
 
 John ull, Jr. 129 
 
 XIV. 
 
 HOME, SWEET HOME! BOYS' OPINION OF THE SEASIDE. 
 FRENCH AND ENGLISH BEACHES. WHO is HE AT HOME ? 
 WHAT WAS His GRANDFATHER ? REMARKS ON SWAG- 
 GERING. " I THOUGHT HE WAS A GENTLEMAN." 
 
 I SHOULD like to echo the sentiments of many 
 schoolboys on the subject of the place chosen by 
 their parents for their Midsummer holidays. 
 
 As a rule, parents think themselves in duty- 
 bound to take their boys to the seaside for these 
 holidays. 
 
 In the case of people occupying " desirable " 
 residences in London, this is sensible enough. 
 
 But boys who live in the country generally re- 
 gret to hear that they will not be allowed to spend 
 most of the holiday-time at home, in the midst 
 of all their o\vn belongings. They would pre- 
 fer building houses for their rabbits, enjoying the 
 favorite walks of their childhood ; rowing on the 
 neighboring river with their friends, even if they 
 have to put up, in the evening, with the incon- 
 venience of having to hear their sisters play the 
 piano a kind of inconvenience to which we are 
 all subject nowadays. <
 
 130 John JSully Jr. 
 
 But no ; they are packed off to lodgings at the 
 seaside ; and they think that the sight of the sea 
 and a few fishing-boats do not make up for rick- 
 ety chairs, springless sofas, empty rooms, cheer- 
 less walls, beds stuffed with pebbles from the 
 beach, and the loss of all home comforts and 
 associations. 
 
 If, as is the case in France, these boys were 
 allowed to mix with those they meet on the 
 beach, and get up parties with them, life might 
 be made supportable ; but, obliged as they are 
 to keep to themselves, or to the company of 
 their brothers and sisters (some have none), they 
 think it was not necessary to come so far in 
 search of boredom. 
 
 French and English beaches illustrate best to 
 my mind the way in which the two nations take 
 their pleasures. 
 
 The French seem to set out for their holiday 
 with a thorough determination to enjoy them- 
 selves. When they go to the seaside they go 
 there on pleasure bound. 
 
 On French beaches every body makes acquaint- 
 ance ; the children play together under the eyes
 
 John Bull, Jr. 131 
 
 of happy papas and mammas, the grown-up ones 
 go out in large parties bathing, boating, and 
 fishing; and in the evening all meet at the Ca- 
 sino, where there are ball-rooms, concert-rooms, 
 reading and smoking rooms, etc. No doubt 
 many of the people you mix with there are not 
 such as you would wish to invite to your house on 
 a visit, but, the season over, these friends of a 
 day are forgotten, and there remains the benefit 
 to health and spirits from a thorough merry 
 time. 
 
 In the English seaside resort, every bather 
 looks askance at his fellow. 
 
 "Who is he at home ?" or "What was his 
 grandfather ?" are questions that he must get 
 satisfactorily answered before he associates with 
 him ; and rather than run the risk of frequenting 
 the company of persons of inferior blood he is 
 often bored to death with the monotony of the 
 life, and is glad when it is time to take the chil- 
 dren back to school or his own occupations call 
 him away from the sea. 
 
 Dear British parents, if you have a garden and 
 fields near your house, and you would like to 
 make your boys happy, call them home for the 
 holidays. 
 
 Apart from the aristocracy, it has always been
 
 132 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 a subject of wonder tome that caste should be so 
 strong among the middle classes, in a country 
 like England, who owes her greatness to her com- 
 mercial and adventurous spirit. 
 
 In France, what is required of a gentleman is 
 high education and refined nanners. A peas- 
 ant's son possessing these is received in any 
 society. 
 
 In England, boys begin swaggering about their 
 social position as soon as they leave the nursery, 
 and if you would have some fun, you should fol- 
 low groups of public school-boys in the play- 
 ground or on their way home. 
 
 Of course, in public schools, the occupation of 
 parents cannot be an objection to their sons' 
 admission, and in your class-room you may have 
 dukes' and saloon-keepers' sons sitting on the same 
 form. These are treated on an equal footing ; 
 although I believe the head-master of a working 
 public school would prefer the hangman's son, 
 if a clever lad, to the son of a duke, if he were 
 a fool. 
 
 Yes, those groups will afford you a great deal 
 of amusement. 
 
 Here are the sons of professional men, of offi- 
 cers, clergymen, barristers. See them pointing 
 out other boys passing : " Sons of merchants, 
 don't you know!" 
 
 These are not without their revenge, as they
 
 John Bull, Jr. 133 
 
 look at a group close by: "Sons of clerks, you 
 know ! " 
 
 But you should see the contemptuous glance 
 of the latter as they pass the sons of shopkeepers: 
 " Tradespeople's sons, I believe ! " 
 
 Here is a little sample conversation I caught 
 as I passed two boys watching a game of cricket 
 in the playground. 
 
 " Clever chap, So-and-So ! " said one. 
 
 " And a nice fellow too, isn't he ?" said the 
 other. 
 
 " By-the-bye, did you know his father was a 
 chemist ? " 
 
 " A chemist ! No ! " exclaimed the dear boy 
 in a subdued tone, as if the news had taken his 
 breath away. " A chemist ! you don't mean to 
 say so. What mistakes we are liable to make, 
 to be sure ! I always thought he was a gentle- 
 man."
 
 134 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 XV. 
 
 HE CAN NOT SPEAK FRENCH, BUT HE CAN READ IT, YOU 
 KNOW. HE HAS A TRY AT IT IN PARIS. NASAL SOUNDS 
 AND ACCENTED SYLLABLES. How I REDUCED ENGLISH 
 WORDS TO SINGLE SYLLABLES, AND WAS SUCCESSFUL IN 
 THE OBJECT i HAD IN VIEW. A REMARK ON THE CONNEC- 
 TION OF WORDS. 
 
 WHEN you ask an Englishman whether he can 
 speak French, he generally answers : 
 
 "I can read it, you know." 
 
 "Aloud!" you inquire, with a significant 
 smile. 
 
 " Well," he says, " I have never had much 
 practice in reading French aloud. I mean to say 
 that I can understand what I read. Of course, 
 now and then I come across a word that I am 
 not quite sure about, but I can get on, you 
 know." 
 
 " I suppose you manage to make yourself 
 understood in France." 
 
 " Oh ! very little French is required for that ; 
 I always go to the English hotels." 
 
 He always does so on the Continent, because 
 these hotels are the only ones that can provide 
 him with English comfort.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 135 
 
 When he starts for Paris he gets on capitally 
 till he reaches Calais. There he assumes his in- 
 sular stiffness, which we Continental people take 
 for arrogance, but is, in reality, only dignified 
 timidity. 
 
 Arrived at the Gare du Nord, he takes a cab 
 and goes to one of the hotels in the Rue Saint 
 Honore or the Rue de Rivoli. 
 
 The first time he reached one of these 
 lishments, he tripped on getting out of his cab, 
 and fell on the pavement. The porter helped 
 him up and asked him : 
 
 " Avez-vous du mal, monsieur ? " 
 
 He thought the porter took him for a French- 
 man, and he prepared to answer in French. Be- 
 lieving he was asked if " he had two trunks," he 
 answers : 
 
 " No, only a portmanteau." 
 
 After this first success, he thought he would 
 air his French. 
 
 " Gaarfon ! " he calls ; "j'ai/aim." 
 
 He pronounces this quite perfectly, so perfectly 
 that the waiter, understanding that he is married, 
 informs him that he can have apartments ready 
 for Madame. 
 
 " He is obstinate and will have another shot : 
 
 " Je suis fameux, gaarfon ! " 
 
 The waiter bows respectfully. 
 
 This won't do, dear fellow; try again. 
 
 " Jc suis fern me / " he yells.
 
 136 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 This staggers the waiter. 
 
 It is time to inquire of him if he speaks Eng- 
 lish. 
 
 " Can you speak English ? " 
 
 " Oh yes, sir." 
 
 Our traveler is all right again, but he thinks 
 that those confounded French people have a 
 queer manner of pronouncing their own lan- 
 guage. 
 
 With the exception of our nasal sounds, which 
 I know are stumbling-blocks to Englishmen 
 who will always insist on calling our great music 
 composer and pianist Saint-Saens, " Sang Songs " 
 I never could understand that the difficulty 
 of our pronunciation was insuperable. Our 
 vowels are bold, well-marked, always sounded 
 the same, and, except u, like the English vowels, 
 or so nearly like them that they can not prevent 
 an Englishman from understanding French and 
 speaking it. 
 
 The greatest mistake he makes is in not bear- 
 ing in mind that the accent should always be laid 
 on the last syllable, or on the last but one if the 
 word ends in e mute. How much easier this is 
 to remember than the place of the English ac- 
 cented syllable, which varies constantly ! In 
 admirable, you have it on the first ; in admire*
 
 John Bull, Jr. 137 
 
 on the second ; in admiration, on the third. On 
 the contrary, no difficulty about the pronuncia- 
 tion of the three French words, admirable, ad- 
 mirer, and admiration ; the tonic accent falls on 
 the last sound syllable in every case. 
 
 The less educated a man is the more stress he 
 lays on the accented syllables ; and you find 
 the lower classes of a country lay such emphasis 
 on these syllables that they almost pronounce 
 nothing else. Being unable to make myself un- 
 derstood when pronouncing whole English words, 
 I have often tried to use only the accented syl- 
 lables when speaking to the lower class people of 
 England; in every attempt I have been successful. 
 
 I obtained a basket of strawberries in Coven t 
 Garden Market by asking for a " bask of strawbs." 
 
 A lower class Yankee will understand few 
 Frenchmen who speak to him of America ; but 
 he will understand them if they speak to him of 
 Merk, 
 
 * * 
 
 The greatest defect in an Englishman's pro- 
 nunciation of French is generally in the wrong 
 connection of words between which there is no 
 pause.
 
 138 John Jltill, Jr. 
 
 The final consonant of a word, followed by 
 another beginning with a vowel or h mute, should 
 be pronounced as if it belonged to the latter 
 word. An Englishman sounds ses amis as if it 
 was seize amis. He should say : " se samis." 
 
 " Mon ami est a Paris "=" Mo nami e ta Paris." 
 
 Perhaps the following remark on the separation 
 of syllables may fix the rule : 
 
 The English say : mag-nan-im-ity. 
 
 The French say : ma-gna-ni-mi-te. 
 
 You see, dear reader, how difficult it is to re- 
 frain from talking " shop," when one has been a 
 schoolmaster.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 139 
 
 XVI. 
 
 PUBLIC SCHOOL SCHOLARSHIPS AND EXHIBITIONS. GRATE- 
 FUL PARENTS. INQUIRING MOTHERS. A DEAR LITTLE 
 CANDIDATE. LADIES' TESTIMONIALS. A SCIENCE MASTEB 
 WELL RECOMMENDED. 
 
 IT seems strange that in a democratic country, 
 overburdened with school-rates, free education 
 should be offered in the public schools to the 
 children of the well-to-do and even wealthy 
 people. To give opportunities to those who 
 have clever children and cannot afford to pay 
 for their education, such was the spirit which 
 dictated the foundation of scholarships and 
 exhibitions in the public schools, which schools 
 are under the supervision of the Charity Com- 
 missioners. 
 
 The Charity Commissioners ! The organizers 
 of that well-ordered British charity which begins 
 at home ! 
 
 But all this again does not concern me. If it 
 did, I should say to gentlemen enjoying revenues 
 of ^"700, ^800, and ^1,000 a year : " My dear 
 sirs, you can afford to pay school fees for your 
 children ; please to leave these scholarships to 
 your less fortunate countrymen."
 
 140 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 My diary contains a few recollections about 
 foundation scholars and their parents which 
 suggested the foregoing remarks to me. Pardon 
 me for having given them a place here. 
 
 I have always noticed that the parents of 
 foundation scholars are much more troublesome 
 and exacting than those who pay their twenty or 
 thirty pounds a year to the school for their sons' 
 tuition fees. 
 
 The school is their property, the masters their 
 servants, and when complaints are lodged with 
 the authorities you may be sure they come from 
 them. 
 
 They imagine, for instance, that the school 
 ought to provide the boys with books, and think 
 it very hard that they should be called upon to 
 pay for them. When their sons are ordered to 
 get a new book, they generally take a fortnight 
 to obtain it. 
 
 " Where is your book ? " you say to a scholar 
 you see looking at his neighbor's. 
 
 " Please, sir, it has not come yet ; I have or- 
 dered it at the stores." 
 
 Two weeks later the book makes its appear- 
 ance. 
 
 When the boys raise subscriptions for their 
 sports, which ought to be supported especially
 
 John J3ull, Jr. 141 
 
 by those who owe a debt of gratitude to the 
 school, or for a testimonial got up in favor of a 
 retiring master, or in memory of a celebrated old 
 pupil, the fe\v recalcitrants are invariably to be 
 found among the free scholars. 
 
 Our boys one day decided on founding a little 
 literary society. As a few periodicals were to be 
 bought and other little expenses incurred, their 
 committee passed a resolution that an annual 
 subscription of five shillings should be demanded 
 of the members. 
 
 A father immediately wrote to the young pres- 
 ident of the new society, asking if it was com- 
 pulsory for his boy to join the society, as he did 
 not see the force of paying five shillings for what, 
 he thought, his boy was entitled to enjoy for 
 nothing. The pater received his due by return 
 of post. The president of the society answered: 
 
 "DEAR SIR: 
 
 " Your son is not at all compelled to join 
 our society. The subscription of five shillings 
 was decided upon simply to keep our meetings 
 select." 
 
 -The Englishman has a supreme contempt for
 
 142 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 what is cheap. It is in his nature. He cannot 
 understand that there is any value in what he has 
 not to pay for. 
 
 I cannot forget the time when a young lunatic 
 hanged himself at Christ's Hospital, and the 
 plethora of letters that were sent to the papers by 
 parents who seemed to be anxious to seize the 
 opportunity of trying to bring discredit on that 
 splendidly conducted school, one of the most 
 interesting philanthropic institutions in England. 
 
 A father, sheltering himself behind a pseu- 
 donym, went the length of writing to the Daily 
 News to say that he had had three sons 
 educated at Christ's Hospital, but that he 
 thanked God he had not any more to send 
 there. 
 
 The Governors of Christ's Hospital spend ^60 
 a year upon each blue-coat boy. The three sons 
 of this " indignant " father therefore cost the 
 Hospital something like ^2,000. 
 
 What respect this man would have felt for the 
 school if the money had been drawn out of his 
 own pocket in the shape of capitation fees ! 
 
 The following conversation once took place 
 between a lady and the head master of a great 
 public school : 
 
 " I have a little boy eleven years old," said
 
 John Bull, Jr. 143 
 
 the lady, " whom my husband is anxious to have 
 educated here. He is a very clever little fellow. 
 We have heard that, on leaving the school to go 
 to one of the two great universities, some boys 
 received exhibitions varying in value from ;8o 
 to ;ioo a year for four years. Do you think, 
 sir, that our son would get one, for the probabil- 
 ity of his obtaining such an exhibition would be 
 a great inducement to us to trust the boy to your 
 care ? " 
 
 " Well," replied the head-master, with great 
 command over his countenance, " I am afraid I 
 cannot commit myself to any such promise." 
 
 The lady retired. Her promising son was 
 probably sent to a more accommodating school. 
 
 The same head-master once received the visit 
 of a man who asked him point-blank if the schol- 
 arship examinations were conducted honestly, 
 or, in other words, if the scholarships were given 
 according to merit. 
 
 From the answer he received he deemed it ex- 
 pedient to beat a speedy retreat. 
 
 When a school has to offer, say, six scholar- 
 ships to the public, and there are a hundred
 
 144 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 candidates applying for them, you may easily 
 imagine that it is difficult to persuade the parents 
 of the ninety-four boys who fail that the schol- 
 arships are given according to merit. 
 
 In distributing six scholarships among a hun- 
 dred candidates you make six ungrateful fathers 
 and ninety-four discontented ones. 
 
 Whilst our school was being rebuilt in another 
 part of the metropolis, a loving mother called on 
 the head-master in the City to intimate her in- 
 tention of placing her little boy in the school as 
 soon as the new building would be finished, and 
 also to ask if she would be allowed to see the 
 room in which her dear child would be taught. 
 
 It was a great pity the building was not ad- 
 vanced enough at the time to permit of her secur- 
 ing a corner for " her darling pet." 
 
 The mother to be most dreaded is the one 
 whose husband has left her for India, or some 
 other warm climate. She is restless, inquisitive, 
 and never satisfied. Each remark you make to 
 her son brings her on the school premises for in- 
 quiries. She writes letter upon letter, pays visit 
 upon visit.
 
 John J5ull, Jr. 145 
 
 Once a week her son brings you a little note 
 in the following style : 
 
 " Mrs. X. presents her compliments to Mr. 
 So-and-so, and begs that her son may be excused 
 for not having prepared his lesson, as he had a 
 bad headache last night." 
 
 A husband may be a nuisance in a house, but 
 when I was a schoolmaster I always thought he 
 was a great improvement to it. 
 
 (/// the Examination Room!) 
 
 Sometimes parents send up their sons for 
 scholarship examinations with very little lug- 
 gage. 
 
 I remember a dear little boy, between ten and 
 eleven, who was a candidate for one of our va- 
 cant scholarships. 
 
 On reaching the seat that was assigned to him, 
 he was provided with the Latin paper by the 
 school secretary, and presented with half a ream 
 of beautiful writing paper for his answers. 
 
 We thought he did not appear very busy, and 
 presently, as I came up to him, I spoke ?. few 
 kind words and gave him a little pat on the 
 back. 
 
 " Well, how are you getting on ? " I said. 
 
 " Please, sir, I can't do this paper. I don't
 
 146 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 know what it is about," he said, looking at me 
 as if for help. 
 
 " Don't you know any Latin ? " I inquired. 
 
 " Yes, sir ; I know my first two declensions." 
 
 " Is that all the Latin you know ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " I suppose you won't take up Greek, will 
 you ? " 
 
 " I expect I had better not, sir, as I have 
 never learned any," he replied, with his eyes half 
 out of their sockets. "Is it difficult, ? sir" he 
 suggested, thinking I was not looking satisfied 
 with his answer. 
 
 " Not very," I replied ; "but if I were you I 
 would not have my first try at it to-day." 
 
 " Thank you, sir," said my little friend. 
 
 " Do you know any French ? " I then asked. 
 
 " Please, sir, mamma taught me a few sen- 
 tences." 
 
 " Well, let me hear." 
 
 " Please, sir, I know Quelle heure est-ill and 
 Comment vous portez-vous ? " 
 
 " Any grammar ? " 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Don't you know the French for / shall 
 have? " 
 
 " No, sir, I don't think I do." 
 
 " Do you know any mathematics ?" 
 
 " Do you mean arithmetic, sir ? " 
 
 " Yes, I do,"
 
 John Bull, Jr. 147 
 
 " Please, sir, I can do addition, subtraction, 
 multiplication, and short division." 
 
 " I suppose you will try the English subjects. 
 Do you know any English ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir, I can speak English," he said, look- 
 ing at me with surprise. 
 
 "Of course you can," I replied; "but you 
 know some history, I suppose. Have you ever 
 read any English history ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir, 1 have read ' Robinson Crusoe."' 
 
 " Well, well, my poor boy, I am afraid you 
 have not much chance of getting a scholarship." 
 
 ''Haven't I?" said the dear child, and he 
 burst into tears. Then he handed me a letter, 
 which was addressed to the head-master. 
 
 It was a supplication from his mother. Her 
 little boy was very clever, she said, and she hoped 
 he would not be judged by what he actually knew, 
 but by what she was sure he would be able to learn 
 if admitted into the school. 
 
 Poor child ! we comforted him as well as we 
 could, and sent him back to his mamma. He 
 was very miserable. 
 
 * * 
 
 Ladies are sometimes great at testimonials, 
 and they must think it very -ungentlemanly of 
 men not to favor their candidates. 
 
 When our head science mastership was vacant, 
 over a hundred applications were lodged with
 
 148 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 the head-master for his consideration. I remem- 
 ber that among the candidates there was one 
 who was only provided with a single testimonial, 
 and this from a lady (an old lady, I imagine). 
 The testimonial was to the effect that "she had 
 known Mr. P. for many years. He was a good 
 and steady young man, and she knew he was 
 very fond of science." f 
 
 This testimonial failed to secure the appoint- 
 ment for its owner.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 149 
 
 XVII. 
 
 THE ORIGIN OF ANGLOMANIA AND ANGLOPHOBIA IN ENG- 
 LAND. A TYPICAL FRENCHMAN. Too MUCH OF AN 
 ENGLISHMAN. A REMARKABLE FRENCH MASTER. JOHN 
 
 BULL MADE TO GO TO CHURCH BY A FRENCHMAN. A 
 
 NOBLE AND THANKLESS CAREER. A PLACE OF LEARNING. 
 Moxs. AND ESQUIRE. ALL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 
 ONE EXCEPTION. WONDERFUL ADDRESSES. 
 
 THE French in England are of two sorts, those 
 who, by their intelligence, industry, and per- 
 severance, have succeeded in building up an 
 honorable position for themselves, and those 
 who, by the lack of these qualities, vegetate there 
 as they would be pretty sure to do anywhere. 
 
 The former do not all love the land of their 
 adoption, but they all respect it. The latter, 
 unwilling to lay their poverty at their own door, 
 throw the blame upon England for not having 
 understood them, and they have not a good 
 word to say for her. It never occurred to them 
 that it was theirs to study and understand Eng- 
 land, and that England is not to be blamed for 
 not having studied them and changed her ways 
 to accommodate them.
 
 150 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 They never part with a shilling without re- 
 marking that for a penny they would be able to 
 obtain the same value in France. You often 
 wonder how it is they stick to this country in- 
 stead of honoring their own with their presence. 
 
 I have always been an admirer of that worthy 
 Frenchman who carries his patriotism to the 
 extent of buying all his clothing in France. He 
 declares it impossible to wear English garments, 
 and almost impossible to wear out French ones. 
 Besides, he does not see why he should not give 
 his country the benefit of some of the guineas he 
 has picked up over here. Like every child of 
 France, he has the love of good linen, and 
 according to him the article is only to be found 
 in Paris. 
 
 So he goes about in his narrow-brimmed hat, 
 and turned-down collar fastened low in the neck, 
 and finished off with a tiny black tie, a large 
 expanse of shirt-front, and boots with high heels 
 and pointed toes. As he goes along the street, 
 he hears people whisper : " There's a French- 
 man ! " But, far from objecting to that, he 
 rather likes it, and he is right. 
 
 He speaks bad English, and assures you that 
 you require very few words to make yourself 
 understood of the people. He does not go .so
 
 John Bull, Jr. 151 
 
 far as Figaro, but his English vocabulary is of 
 the most limited. 
 
 Without making any noise about it, he sends 
 his guinea to all the French Benevolent Societies 
 in England, and wherever the tricolor floats he 
 is of the party. 
 
 He likes the English, and recognizes their 
 solid qualities ; but as he possesses many of his 
 own, he keeps to his native stock. 
 
 How this good Frenchman does shine by the 
 side of another type, a type which, I am happy 
 to say, is rare the one who drops his country. 
 
 The latter, when he speaks of England, says : 
 " We do this, we do that, in England," not "The 
 English do this, the English do that." He would 
 like to say, "We English," but he hardly dares 
 go that length. 
 
 He dresses & I'anglaise with a vengeance, 
 makes it a point to frequent only English houses, 
 and spends a good deal of his time in running 
 down his compatriots. 
 
 He does not belong to any of the French 
 societies or clubs in England. These establish- 
 ments, however, do not miss him much more 
 than his own country. 
 
 I once knew one of this category. His name 
 ended with an e mute preceded by a double con-
 
 152 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 sonant. The e mute was a real sore to him, the 
 grief of his life. Without it he might have 
 passed for English. It was too provoking to be 
 thus balked, and, as he signed his name, he would 
 dissimulate the poor offending little vowel, so 
 that his name should appear to end at the double 
 consonant. 
 
 He was not a genius. 
 
 Acting under the theory of Figaro, " Qu't'l 
 n'est pas ndcessaire de tenir les chases pour en 
 raisonner" I have heard an Englishman, engaged 
 in teaching French, maintain that it was not 
 necessary to be able to speak the French language 
 to teach it. 
 
 On the other hand, I once heard an eminent 
 Frenchman hold that the less English a French 
 master knew the more-fit he was to teach French. 
 
 Both gentlemen begged their audience to 
 understand that they made their statements on 
 their own sole responsibility. 
 
 I never met a French master who had made 
 his fortune, nor have you, I imagine. 
 
 I once met in England a French master who 
 had not written a French grammar.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 153 
 
 I was one day introduced to a Frenchman who 
 keeps a successful school in the Midland coun- 
 ties. He makes it a rule to sternly refuse to let 
 his boys go home in the neighboring town 
 before one o'clock on Sundays. When parents 
 ask him as a special favor to allow their sons to 
 come to their house on Saturday night or early 
 on Sunday morning, he answers : " I am sorry I 
 cannot comply with your request. It has come 
 to my knowledge that there are parents who do 
 not insist on their children going to church, and 
 I cannot allow any of my pupils to go home 
 before they have attended divine service." 
 
 Johu Bull made to go to church by a French- 
 man ! The idea was novel, and I thought ex- 
 tremely funny. 
 
 To teach " the art of speaking and writing the 
 French language correctly" is a noble but thank- 
 less career in England. 
 
 In France, the Government grants a pension 
 to, and even confers the Legion of Honor upon, 
 an English master* after he has taught his lan- 
 guage in a. lycee for a certain number of years. 
 
 * Among the nominations in the Legion of Honor, 
 published on the I4th of July, 1884, I noticed the name of 
 the English master (an Englishman) in the lycie of Bor- 
 deaux.
 
 154 John JButl, Jr. 
 
 The Frenchman who has taught French in 
 England all his lifetime is allowed, when he is 
 done for, to apply at the French Benevolent So- 
 ciety for a free passage to France, where he may 
 go and die quietly out of sight. 
 
 If you look at the advertisements published 
 daily in the " educational " columns of the 
 papers, you may see that compatriots of mine 
 give private lessons in French at a shilling an 
 hour, and teach the whole language in 24 or 26 
 lessons. Why not 25 ? I always thought there 
 must be something cabalistic about the number 
 26. These gentlemen have to wear black coats 
 and chimney-pots. How can they do it if their 
 wives do not take in mangling ? 
 
 Mystery. 
 
 In a southern suburb of London, I remember 
 seeing a little house covered, like a booth at a 
 fair, with boards and announcements that spoke 
 to the passer-by of all the wonders to be found 
 within. 
 
 On the front-door there was a plate with the 
 inscription : 
 
 " Mons. D., of the University of France." 
 
 Now Englishmen who address Frenchmen as
 
 John Bull, Jr. 155 
 
 "Mons."* should be forgiven. They unsuccess- 
 fully aim at doing a correct thing. But a French- 
 man dubbing himself "Mons." publishes a certi- 
 ficate of his ignorance. 
 
 The house was a double-fronted one. 
 
 On the right window there was the inscription : 
 
 " French Classes for Ladies." 
 On the left one : 
 
 " French Classes for Gentlemen." 
 
 The sexes were separated as at the Turkish 
 Baths. 
 
 On a huge board, placed over the front door, I 
 read the following : 
 
 "French Classes for Ladies and Gentlemen. 
 Greek, Latin, and Mathematical Classes. 
 Art and Science Department. 
 Music, Singing, and Dancing taught. 
 Private Lessons given, families waited upon. 
 Schools attended. 
 For Terms and Curriculum, apply within." 
 
 What a saving of trouble and expense it would 
 have been to this living encyclopaedia if he had 
 onfy mentioned what he did not teach ! 
 
 * " Mons., a familiar and contemptuous abbreviation 
 of Monsieur." LlTTRE, " Dictionnaire de la Langue 
 "
 
 156 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 Since I have called your attention to the ex- 
 pression Mons., and reminded you of its proper 
 meaning, never send a letter to a Frenchman 
 with the envelope addressed as Mons. 
 
 I know, dear American reader, that you never 
 do. But you have friends. Well, tell them to 
 write Monsieur in full ; or, as cobblers in their 
 back parlors are now addressed as Esquires, 
 rather confer the same honor upon a Frenchman. 
 He will take it as a compliment. 
 
 Democracy is making progress in England. 
 Where is the time when only land-owners, bar- 
 risters, graduates of the Universities, were 
 addressed as Esquires? 
 
 All ladies and gentlemen in England now. 
 
 Not all, though. 
 
 A young lady friend, who visits the poor in 
 her district, called one day at a humble dwell- 
 ing. 
 
 She knocked at the door, and on a woman 
 opening it, asked to see Mrs. . 
 
 " Oh ! very well," said the woman, and, leav- 
 ing the young lady in the street, she went inside, 
 and called out at the top of her voice : 
 
 " Ada, tell the lady on the second floor that a 
 young person from the district wants to see her."
 
 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 '57 
 
 Apropos of " Esquire " I should like to take the 
 opportunity of paying a well-deserved compliment 
 to the Postal Authorities in England. 
 
 Some eight years ago, I lived in the Herbert 
 Road, Shooter's Hill, near London. 
 
 After three weeks of wonderful peregrinations, 
 a letter, addressed in the following manner, duly 
 reached me from France : 
 
 Angleterre Esquire 
 
 Monsieur 
 
 Erbet Villa 
 
 pres Londres. 
 
 My dear compatriot had heard that " Esquire " 
 had to be put somewhere, or else the letter would 
 not reach me. 
 
 This is not the only letter addressed to me 
 calculated to puzzle the postman. 
 
 A letter was once brought to me with the fol- 
 lowing high-flown inscription :
 
 158 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 " Al gentilissimo cavaliere professore 
 Signer " 
 
 But what is even this, compared to the one I 
 received from a worthy Bulgarian, and which 
 was addressed to 
 
 " Monsieur 
 
 Metropolitain de Saint Paul." 
 
 I was at the time teaching under the shadow 
 of London's great cathedral.
 
 John Bull, Jr. 159 
 
 XVIII. 
 THE WAY TO LEARN MODERN LANGUAGES. 
 
 I HAVE always felt a great deal of sympathy, 
 and even respect, for that good, honest, straight- 
 forward young British boy who does not easily 
 understand that in French " a musical friend " 
 is not necessarily un ami & musiquc, nor " to sit 
 on the committee," s'asseoir sur le comitt, unless 
 the context indicates that it is the painful opera- 
 tion which is meant. Poor boy ! For him a 
 foreign language is only his own, with another 
 vocabulary ; and so, when he does a piece of 
 translation, he carefully replaces on his paper 
 each word of his English text by one of the 
 equivalents that he finds for it in his dictionary, 
 rarely failing to choose the wrong one, as I have 
 already said. Now comes que. Shall he put 
 the subjunctive or the indicative ? He has learnt 
 his grammar : he could, if occasion required, 
 recite the rules that apply to the employment of 
 the terrible subjunctive mood. He has even, 
 once or twice in his life, written an exercise on
 
 160 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 the subject, and as it was headed ' ; Exercise on 
 the Subjunctive Mood," lie went through it with 
 calm confidence, putting all the verbs in the 
 subjunctive, including those that it would have 
 been advisable to put in the indicative. This 
 done, he was not supposed to commit any more 
 mistakes on this important point of grammar. 
 He might as well be expected to be an experienced 
 swimmer after once reading Captain Webb's 
 " Art of Swimming," and going through the 
 various evolutions indicated in the pamphlet, a 
 sec on the floor of his papa's parlor. 
 
 I admit that the French teacher of a public 
 school ought to be a good philologist to make 
 his lessons attractive to the students of the up- 
 per forms, and insure their success under exam- 
 ination ; I admit that he should know English 
 thoroughly, to be able to explain to them the 
 delicacies of the French language, and maintain 
 good discipline in his classes ; I admit that he 
 should be able to teach grammar, philology, his- 
 tory, literature ; but I maintain that he ought 
 never to lose sight of the most important object 
 of the study of a living language, the putting of 
 it into practice ; he should, above all things, and 
 by all means, aim at making his pupils speak 
 French. It is not enough that he should speak 
 to them in French, even in the upper forms, 
 where he would be perfectly understood : under- 
 standing a language and speaking it are two very
 
 John ull, Jr. 161 
 
 different things. Neither will he attain his end 
 by means of dull manuals of imaginary conver- 
 sations with the butcher, the baker, and the can- 
 dlestick-maker ; these will, at most, be useful in 
 helping a foreigner to ask for what he wants at 
 a table tfh6te. You will not get grown-up, intel- 
 ligent, and well-educated boys to come out of 
 their shells, unless you make it worth their while. 
 Now, Englishmen, like Americans, love argu- 
 ment, very often for argument's sake, and every 
 school-boy, in England as in America, is a mem- 
 ber of some society or committee, and at its 
 meetings tries his wings, discusses, harangues, 
 and prepares himself for that great parliament- 
 ary life, which is the strength of the nation. 
 
 Then, I ask, why not turn this love of discus- 
 sion to account ? 
 
 Start a French debating society in every 
 school, and you will teach your generation to 
 speak French. Such a proposition may sound 
 bold, but it has been tried in several public 
 schools, and has proved a complete success. 
 
 What cannot a teacher do that has succeeded 
 in winning the esteem and affection of his pupils ? 
 First, make them respect you, then gain their 
 hearts, and you will lead the young by a thread. 
 
 Take twenty or thirty boys, old enough to ap- 
 preciate the interest you feel in them, and say to 
 them, " My young friends, let us arrange to meet 
 once a week, and see if we cannot speak French
 
 1 62 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 together. We will chart about any thing you like : 
 politics even. Do not be afraid to open your 
 lips, it is only la premiere phrase qui coute. I am 
 neither a Pecksniff nor a pedant, a dotard nor 
 a wet blanket ; in your company, I feel as young 
 as the youngest among you. Do not imagine 
 that I shall bring you up for the slightest error 
 of pronunciation you make. I remember the 
 time when I murdered your language, and I 
 should be sorry to cast the first stone at you. 
 At first I shall only correct your glaring mistakes ; 
 by degrees, you will make fewer and fewer, al- 
 though, alas ! you will very likely always make 
 some. What does it matter ? I guarantee that 
 in a few months you will be able to understand 
 all that is said to you in French, and express in- 
 telligibly in the same language any idea that 
 may pass through your brain." 
 
 These little French parliaments work admira- 
 bly ; the earliest were started in two or three 
 English schools four or five years ago. Each 
 has its president the head French teacher of 
 the school, its honorary and assistant secre- 
 taries, and, if you please, its treasurer, who sup- 
 plies the members with two or three good French 
 papers, and, when the finances of the society 
 permit, provides the means of giving a soiree 
 litteraire. I have seen the minute-book of one 
 of these interesting associations. Since its for- 
 mation, this particular debating society has
 
 John Bull, Jr. 163 
 
 altered the whole map of Europe, greatly to the 
 advantage of the United Kingdom. The young 
 debaters have upset any number of governments, 
 at home and abroad, done away with women's 
 rights, and declared, by a crushing majority, 
 that ladies who can make good puddihgs are far 
 more useful members of society than those who 
 can make good speeches. Young British boys 
 have very strong sentiments against women's 
 rights. In literature, the respective merits of 
 the Classicists and the Romanticists have been 
 discussed, and the " three unities " declared 
 absurd and tyrannical by these young champions 
 of freedom. 
 
 The speakers are not allowed to read their 
 speeches, but may use notes for reference, and 
 I notice that speakers, who at first only ventured 
 short remarks, soon grew bold enough to hold 
 forth for ten minutes at a time. In many in- 
 stances, the president has had to adjourn a de- 
 bate to the next meeting, on account of the num- 
 ber of orators wishing to take part in it. These 
 minutes, written in very good French indeed, do 
 great credit to the young secretary who enters 
 them. I have myself been present at meetings 
 of these societies, and I assure you that if you 
 could see these young fellows rise from their 
 seats, and, bowing respectfully to the president, 
 say to him: "Monsieur le President, je demande 
 la parole]' you would agree with me that, so far
 
 164 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 as good order, perfect courtesy, and unlimited 
 respect for opposite views are concerned, these 
 small gatherings would compare favorably with 
 the meetings of honorables and even right-hon- 
 orables that are held at the Capitol, the West- 
 minster Palace, and the Palais Bourbon. 
 
 It is clear to my mind that, by such means, 
 English boys can be made to speak French in the 
 most interesting manner, and the one best suited 
 to their taste. I firmly believe that if the great 
 schools, public or private, were to start similar 
 societies, that if all the young men knowing a 
 little French were to form in their districts, such 
 associations under the leadership of able and 
 cheerful Frenchmen, England, or America for 
 that matter, would in a few years, have a gener- 
 ation of French-speaking men. 
 
 I have always been at a loss to understand how 
 boys who have been studying a language for nine 
 or ten years should leave school perfectly un- 
 able to converse intelligibly in that language for 
 five minutes together. It seems nothing short of 
 scandalous. 
 
 Yet the reason is not far to be found. In En- 
 gland, at any rate, modern languages are taught 
 like dead languages : they are taught through 
 the eyes, whereas they should be taught through 
 the ears and mouth. 
 
 The French debating society seems to me the 
 best mode of solving the difficulty. I have often
 
 John Bull, Jr. 165 
 
 given this piece of advice to John Bull, and I 
 myself founded a successful French debating so- 
 ciety in England. Let Jonathan forgive my pre- 
 sumption if I avail myself of his kind and gener- 
 ous hospitality to give him the same advice.
 
 1 66 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 ENGLISH AND FRENCH SCHOOLBOYS. THEIR CHARACTERIS- 
 TICS. THE QUALITIES OF THE ENGLISH SCHOOL-BOY. 
 WHAT is REQUIRED OF A MASTER TO WIN. 
 
 I HAVE often been asked the question, " Are En- 
 glish boys better or worse than French ones ? " 
 
 Well, I believe the genus boy to be pretty much 
 the same all the world over. Their characteris- 
 tics do not show in the same way, because edu- 
 cational systems are different. 
 
 Both English and French boys are particu- 
 larly keen in finding out the peculiarities of a 
 master, and taking his measure. 
 
 They are both inclined to bestow their affec- 
 tion and respect on the man who is possessed of 
 moral and intellectual power ; it is in their na- 
 ture to love and respect what is powerful, lofty, 
 and good. 
 
 Boys are what masters make them. 
 
 Both English and French boys are lazy if you 
 give them a chance ; both are industrious it you 
 give them inducements to work. They will not 
 come out of their shells unless you make it worth 
 their while.
 
 Jo Jin Bull, Jr. 167 
 
 Both are as fond of holidays as any school- 
 master alive. 
 
 French boys are more united among them- 
 selves, because their life would be intolerable if 
 close friendship did not spring up between them, 
 and help them to endure a secluded time of 
 hardship and privations. 
 
 English boys are prouder, because they are 
 freer. Their pride is born of liberty itself. 
 
 The former work more, the latter play more. 
 
 But comparisons are odious, especially when 
 made between characters studied under such 
 different circumstances. 
 
 What I can affirm is that a Frenchman need 
 not fear that English boys (such as I have known 
 at any rate) will take advantage of his shortcom- 
 ings as regards his pronunciation of the English 
 language to make his life uncomfortable. I have 
 always found English boys charitable and gen- 
 erous. 
 
 A Frenchman will experience no difficulty in 
 getting on with English schoolboys if his char- 
 acter wins their respect, and his kindness their
 
 1 68 John Bull, Jr. 
 
 affection ; if he sympathizes with them in their 
 difficulties ; if he deals with them firmly, but 
 always in .a spirit of fair play, truth, and justice ; 
 if he is 
 
 " To their faults a little blind. 
 And to their virtues very kind." 
 
 THE END.
 
 Appendix. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a joke." (MARK TWAIN.) 
 
 7. Appartement de garfon, "bachelor's quarters," not 
 " waiter's apartment." 
 
 12. Fors I'Aonneur, "except honor" (a phrase used by 
 
 Francis I. of France, when he announced his defeat 
 at Pavia to his mother). 
 
 13. Gare du Nord, "Great Northern Railway Terminus," 
 
 in Paris (celebrated for its Cloak Room, where, on his 
 arrival from England, John Bull deposits his baggage 
 of superfluous virtue). 
 
 16. Tres 6t'en, Monsieur, " Very well, sir." (I owe to the 
 reader many apo 
 matic phrase as 
 
 , , , . 
 
 reader many apologies for translating such an idio- 
 as this.) 
 
 19. Qui /rise ses cheveux et la cinquanfaine, literally, 
 " Who curls her hair and fifty summers." (The word 
 /riser means both " to curl " and " to border on." I 
 hope the reader will see the joke.) 
 
 21. Recherchf, "refined." 
 3H. Planche^ "a plank."
 
 170 Appendix. 
 
 PAGE. 
 33. Allans me voila sauvtf, " Now I am saved. " 
 
 41. Migraine, " Sick headache," an indisposition to which 
 French ladies are subject, when they are reading a 
 novel and do not wish to be disturbed by callers. 
 
 48. Elleseretira "She retired to her room and 
 
 prepared for bed. But who could sleep ? Sleep ! " 
 
 48. Celui qui Icrit, literally " He who writes." 
 
 49. Poitrine, " chest " (part of the body). Calefons (un- 
 
 mentionables). 
 
 49. // feutra, il gauclta, formed from the nouns feutre 
 ("felt," material) and gauche (left," contrary of 
 "right"). 
 
 51. " Look at Pierrot hanging 
 
 Because he did not restore the book ; 
 
 If the book he had restored 
 
 Pierrot wouldn't have been hanged." 
 
 FAC-SIMILE OF JOHN BULL, JUNIOR'S, EXERCISE. 
 
 1. Europe is a part of the world. 
 
 2. Asia is a part of the world. 
 
 3. Africa is a part of the world. 
 
 4. America is a part of the world. 
 
 5. My father is in France. 
 
 6. My cousin is in Germany. 
 
 7. Your brother is in Dresden. 
 
 8. Where is thy sister ? She is in Paris. 
 
 54. Egal, " Equal." 
 
 55. Savoir, " to know." The future is j'e sauraf. 
 57. Vouloir, " to want." The future is j'e voudrai. 
 
 63. Je serai. "I shall be." 
 Je serais, " I should be."
 
 Appendix, 171 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 73. The feminine words respectively mean "trumpet," 
 "medicine," "navy," " sculpture," whereas the mascu- 
 line names respectively mean "trumpeter," " doctor," 
 " sailor," " sculptor." This is an old examination 
 question, a time-honored chestnut of the University of 
 London. 
 
 73. Rest ait cette redout able infant er ie...." There remained 
 
 the redoubtable infantry of the Spanish army, whose 
 big close battalions, like so many towers, but towers 
 that could repair their own gaps, stood unshaken in the 
 awful din of battle and fired from all parts " (with my 
 apologies to the shade of Bossuet). 
 
 74. La fi lie de feu "The daughter of my good and 
 
 esteemed deceased cousin is always welcome. " 
 
 74. Man fr ere "My brother is wrong and my sister is 
 
 right." 
 
 74. Elle par tit " She left the following morning. " 
 
 75. Diable ! . . . " Good heavens ! the old man is capricious ! " 
 
 76. Je laisse Renaud "I leave Renaud in the gardens of 
 
 Armida." (The worthy boy took Renaud for Renard, 
 a fox that's near enough.) 
 
 76. Chaqne age a ses plaisirs. " Each age has its pleasures." 
 
 77. Les exploits d 'Hercule " The exploits of Hercules are 
 
 mere play compared to." 
 
 77. Monsieur \ ne vous retournez pas. " Sir, do not look 
 
 round." 
 
 y8._ // raccommodait . ..." He mended old shoes." 
 
 78. Ba issant les yeux, " Casting down her eyes." 
 84. Dimanche, ' ' Sunday. " 
 
 84. .Ifanche, near enough to manger (to eat) for Johnny. 
 
 84. Cor Jon bleu, skilful cook. (Teetotalers in England wear 
 I -hie ribbons, hence tin: boy's confusion.) 
 
 89. /.':/.'. .i.'.iurjtit-es-scit>HCi:<, ilejiree of B. Sc.
 
 172 Appendix. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 92. Avec de belles dents. . . . " With fine teeth" never was a 
 
 woman ugly." 
 
 93. Arrtver, naftre, venir, sort ir, part ir, " to arrive," " to 
 
 be born," " to come," "to go out," " to set out." 
 
 120. Savate, boxing and kicking ; canne, cane (fencing ex- 
 pression). 
 
 134. Avez-vous dit mal? "Are you hurt ?" The English- 
 man understands Avez-vous deux malles ? "Have 
 you two trunks ? " 
 
 134. Garfon, j'aifaim, "Waiter, I'm hungry." 
 
 137. Ses ami's, "his friends." Seize amis, "sixteen friends." 
 
 145. Quelle heure est-il? "What o'clock is it?" Comment 
 vous portez-vous ? " How do you do ? " 
 
 151. Qtfil riest pas ntcessaire. ..." That it is not necessary 
 
 to know any thing of a subject to speak on it." 
 
 152. Lycee, " French public school." 
 
 158. Un ami a musiqtte would mean a friend who could give 
 off a tune by being pressed upon. 
 
 162. Monsieur le President, j'e demande la parole, " Mr. 
 President, I ask for the floor."
 
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