French Without a Mas- ter : a Farce in One Act : by Tristan Bernard: Translated by Barrett H. Clark amuel French : Publisher 18-30 West Thirty-eighth Street : New York PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2008 with funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation http://www.archive.org/details/frenchwithoutmasOObernrich THK WORLD'S BBST PLATS BY CBLEBRATED EUROPEAN AUTHORS BARRETT H. CLARK QENERAL EDITOR French Without a Mas- ter : a Farce in One Act : by Tristan Bernard: Translated by Barrett H. Clark Samuel French : Publisher 28-30 West Thirty-eighth Street : New York OOPTJ RIGHT, 1915, Br SAMUEr, FRENCH TRISTAN BERNARD. Tristan Bernard stands in much the same relation to contemporary French drama as George Cohan does to that of our own country: in his comedies the most amusing types of the society of the day are set forth with a good-humor and freshness which gives them an individual charm all their own. Many of his numerous plays are broad farces, but there is a philosophical strain running throughout which raises them out of the realm of the purely theatrical. In " On nait esclave " (" Born Slaves ") and "Le Petit Cafe "(" The Little Cafe"), for example, we find a serious comment on life; this, however, never interferes with the joyous course of the comedy, but rather forms a background. One of Bernard's earhest plays was " L'Anglais tel qu'on le parle," which is here (necessarily, on account of the fact that English is used in the original text as a foreign language) adapted, for the first time in English. The cleverness of the plot, the character of the interpreter, the brightness of the dialogue, have caused the little farce to be retained in the repertory of the Comedie Frangaise, where it is performed many times every year, with ever-increasing popularity. Chanoine-Malherbe and Seraphine should speak good French, or at least some approximation which shall sound fluent and easy to the audience. Amateurs are urged not to over-act: this play is one which can easily be over-accentuated. Percy, in particular, should behave throughout as a very quiet and phlegmatic person. 3 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER PERSONS REPRESENTED. Percy The Interpreter Jean-Jacques Chanoine-Malherbe Seraphine's Father Gerald Forsyth A young Englishman A Police Officer A Hotel Porter Mlle. Seraphine Chanoine-Malherbe The Cashier An Englishwoman of about twenty- five years of age Scene : — A small London hotel Time : — The present. n FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER Scene : — A small office in a hotel. There is a large door center, giving upon the hallway. Down- stage and upstage to the right are doors; similar doors on the left. Half-way down- stage on the left is the Cashier's desk, with inkstands and register. On the walls are posters and train schedules. Half-way down- stage and a little to left of center is a table covered with magazines, etc., and a telephone. As the curtain rises, the Porter is seen seated on a small stool just below the Cashier's desk. A moment later, enter Gerald and Seraphine, each with a valise. Seraphine is typically French and wears stylish clothes of the latest cut; Gerald is equally well dressed. He goes to the Porter, lays down his valise, takes that of Seraphine and places it beside his own. Gerald. We'd like two rooms, please. Porter. One moment, sir; I'll call the cashier. Gerald. Is there a telegraph office around here? Porter. Yes, sir, it's just around the corner. Shall I take your message, sir ? Gerald. No, I'll take it myself. (The Porter goes out.) Seraphine. Mon cheri, je voudrais une chambre exposee an soleil. 5 6 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Gerald. Oui, oui, ma chere. Seraphine. Je suis tres lasse. Comment dit- on ? Tired ? Gerald. Oui — yes. Dearest, you must learn to speak English all the time; we don't want people to stare at us. Seraphine. Oh, but I do not know well how the English speaks itself. Gerald. Nonsense, you're getting along splendidly. (Enter Cashier, upstage right.) Cashier. How do you do ? You'd like a room ? Gerald. Two, if you please. Cashier. We have two nice rooms on the second floor. Gerald. That's capital! Cashier. (Turning the register toward Gerald and handing him a pen) Just sign here, please. That's right. Seraphine. (Looking over Gerald's shoulder) Ah, tu es — ! Cashier. Would you mind waiting a moment? I'll have the rooms ready presently. (She goes out, upstage, right) Seraphine. Ah, Mister Parkinson! Mrs. Parkinson ! Que c'est drole ! Gerald. Certainly; I couldn't give our real names. It would be nice to put down " Mr. Gerald Forsyth and Mile. Seraphine Chanoine-Malherbe " — especially as you told me yourself that your father knew pf this hotel, and might come here and find us — nous surprendre ici. Seraphine. It is a wicked thing, this that we have done. I know too, my father, he remember this hotel, well. He know the name : Hotel Gains- borough: he has been here before. Ecoute-moi bien — listen me — to me, dear. I think I have seen his gray hat. FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. / Gerald. But there are hundreds of gray hats in London. Seraphine. But I am sure I have seen the — the — paternal hat. Gerald. Nonsense, my dear! Seraphine. Ah, mon cheri! Gerald. Don't say '* Mon cheri ! " — say " My dear." Seraphine; My dear! Oh, I wish I were safely married to you. Oh, how wicked to run away like this! Gerald. But we had to ! It was the only way to make him consent. Seraphine. But if your — patron? Employer? wouli^ixe you an interest in the business ? Gerald. Yes ? Seraphine. Then Papa would have let me be married with — to you? Gerald. Yes, dear, I know. My employer, how- ever, doesn't see it in that light. Wait three months, he says, and then we'll see. Well, if your Papa refused, we had to do this. And here we are. Seraphine. You are right, dear; you always are. Gerald. And our elopement is at the expense of the company. Seraphine. Bad, bad boy! Gerald. And now I must leave you for a few minutes. I must send a telegram to the chief. Seraphine. And you will leave me all alone? What if I woufd wish for anything? Gerald. Well, you can speak English. (Enter the Cashier.) Seraphine. No, no — or only with those who also speak the French. I'm so afraid! Gerald. But, there must be an interpreter here — (To the Cashier) Isn't there? 8 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Cashier. Of course. He should be here in a moment. Meantime, the rooms are ready. Gerald. {To Seraphine) I'll take you up, and then run to the office. (The^ go out, upstage right.) Cashier. (To the Porter, who enters, center) Why hasn't our interpreter come yet? Porter. Oh, Graham? He's sick, but he's sent another fellow in his place. He's out in the hall now. Cashier. Tell him to come in. (The Porter goes out at the back, and beckons to someone in the hall. A moment later enter Percy, a respectable tramp. His clothes are well-worn, but not ragged, and they fit him rather tightly, — his trousers also are too short. He has not had a shave for some time. He tips his hat — an old " derby " — timidly, then walks slowly to the center of the stage, looking about uneasily. The Cashier addresses him some- what sharply) So you have come to take Mr. Graham's place? (Percy nods) You have been told the conditions, I believe; six shillings a day. Now understand, we want a good interpreter, serious and attentive to business. All you have to do is wait here until any foreigners come, and then help them. Understand? (Percy again nods) Good. (The Cashier goes out, up-stage left) Percy. (To the Porter, after a short pause) Many foreigners come here? Porter. Oh, I don't know! Few French now and then; depends on the season. Percy. (A little disturbed) Oh — many for- eigners just now? Porter. Not so many. Percy. (A little more at ease) Do you think any'll come to-day? Porter. Can't say — Here, take your cap. (He FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 9 hands Percy a cap with the words " INTER- PRETE" written on the front. The Porter then goes out at the back) Percy. {Hat in hand, as he reads the inscrip- tion) In-ter-preet. {Puts on the cap) Good! Hope them blarsted frog-eaters keep away. Don't know a single word of French, er German, er I-talian, er Spanish, er any of them dialects. Good I thing for an interpreter! But Fm no millionaire, €t^ ^r" aiicf TEem six shillin's! Hm! But I mightily fear * conversation may languish if I meet any o' them foreigners. {Re-enter the Cashier.) Cashier. I forgot to ask you something a moment ago: you know there are a great many interpreters who know all the languages of Europe and don't know their mother tongue. You speak English well, don't you? Percy. Perfectly, Madam. Cashier. Good. I wanted to be quite sure, you know. You didn't speak when I was talking to you. Percy. Ye can rest quiet on that point, Ma'am. I speaks English admi-rably. Cashier. We haven't many French people at this season. {The telephone bell rings. The Cashier runs to the table, center, and takes off the receiver. A moment later she lays it on the table) It's from Paris. (Percy, 7vho is comfortably lean- ing against the Cashier's desk, does not move a hair. The Cashier goes to him) Someone's tele- phoning from Paris. It's in French! Are you deaf? Go to the telephone! Percy. {Advancing slowly to the table, and picking up the receiver) Hello? (Lays the re- ceiver down, and faces the audience in despair) That's it; they're French. {Again listening, and 10 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. again laying down the receiver) Don't under- stand a word! {Speaking into the transmitter) Oui, oui, oui. {He is at his wits' end) Cashier. What do they say? Percy. What do they say? Oh, nothing very important. Cashier. People don't telephone from Paris to say nothing very important ! Percy. (Again speaking into the telephone) Oui, oui. — Yes, they're French, no doubt about it. They — they want some rooms, and so I said " Oui, oui." Cashier. Well, is that all they say? When? How much do they want to pay? Ask them, ask them! Percy. (Hesitating) They want — four rooms. Cashier. When? Percy For — er — next Thursday. Cashier. What kind of rooms? Percy. On the second floor. Cashier. Tell them we have only two on that floor at present, but another will be vacant the day they arrive — on the fifteenth. Or else we could let them have two first-rate rooms on the third floor, if they like. Percy. Do you want me to tell them that? Cashier. Yes, and hurry. (Percy hesitates) What are you waiting for? Percy. (Dumbfounded) Eh? — er — (Listening at the telephone) Sonfrancaispolljyvoogrllgt>n — Oh! (He hangs up the receiver) Whew, that's over with, thank Heaven! Cashier. ,They must be rich — You know it costs ten shillings ^very three minutes to telephone from Paris. Percy. Ten bob for three minutes? What's that come to by the hour? Cashier. Ten pounds. Percy. Ten — ?! M^ French without a master, n (Enter Chanoine-Malherbe, center.) Chanoine-Malherbe. C'est ici THotel Gains- borough ? Percy. Oui, oui. (He slowly turns round his hat, hiding the zvord INTERPRETE) Chanoine-Malherbe. Ya-t-il ici un jeune monsieur et une jeune demoiselle? Percy. Oui, oui. (He retreats toward the lower left door, and disappears) Chanoine-Malherbe. Qu'est-ce qu'il y a? Ou est I'interprete ? Cashier. What do you wish? Chanoine-Malhebre. Bonjour, Madame M. Forsyth, est-il ici? Cashier. Forsyth? Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui, Forsyth. Cashier. No, there's no one registered here with that name. No! Chanoine-Malherbe. Voyons, un jeune homme et une jeune demoiselle? Cashier. I can't understand a word you are saying. Interpreter! (Enter the Porter) Have you seen the interpreter? • I Porter. He was here a moment ago. Chanoine-Malherbe. (Taking a pocket-dic- tionary from his valise) Commissaire, police — here ! Porter. Wot's 'e saying? Cashier. I think he wants to see a police officer. (Pointing) Just around the corner. Chanoine-Malherbe. Non, — here! Cashier. He wants to see the officer here. Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui, oui — here. (Gives the Porter a coin) Porter. Thank you, sir. (Aside) Ten bob! Cashier. (To Porter) Run around to the station and get an officer — then the Frenchman can tell him what he wants. 12 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Porter. But *e don't know no English. Cashier. We have an interpreter, haven't we? Run, now. (The Porter starts to go, but stops when the Frenchman says to him:) Chanoine-Malherbe. Je voudrais une chambre. Cashier. Chambre? Chambre? Oh, I know what that means: you want a room. Very well, we'll give you a "chambre." (To the Porter) Here, take this gentleman to number seventeen. (She gives the Porter a key) Chanoine-Malherbe. (To Porter) Prenez done ma valise. Porter. Yes, sir. Chanoine-Malherbe. Saprelotte, ma valise! r Porter. Certainly, sir. Chanoine-Malherbe. (Pointing to the valise) La voila, sot! Porter. (Taking the valise) Oh, 'is bag! (The Porter and Chanoine-Malherbe go out, up-stage left.) Cashier. Where is that interpreter? (Goes out, up-stage left) (Enter Gerald and Seraphine) up-stage right.) Seraphine. Then you must go? You will not stay longer? Gerald. Only to the telegraph office. Fll be back at once. Seraphine. Oh, I am so afraid. I thought I heard the voice of Papa. Gerald. Imagination. — I'll be back in no time. Seraphine. Good-bye, cheri. ^ Gerald. Say " Dearest ! " FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 13 Seraphine. Dearest! (Serapuine goes out up^ stage right/ Gerald center) (Re-enter Percy, on tip-toe.) Percy. Nobody here! Half-past ten, and this has got to last till midnight. (He goes up-stage and examines the train-schedules) No train from Paris till seven. Nine hours of peace and quiet. (He sits down on the stool by the desk and takes a cigar from his pocket) {^Re-enter Cashier.) Cashier. Interpreter, where have you been all this time? Percy. All what time? Cashier. I told you to stay here. Percy. Well, I — I — I just stepped out — ^because — I heard someone crying for help — in Spanish ! Cashier. You stepped out so quickly that you turned your hat all the way around! Percy. Yes — ^yes. Cashier. Well, are you going to fix it? (Percy does so) Sit down. {Percy sits down) Now stay right here. There's a Frenchman here who doesn't understand a word of English. He has sent for a police officer. I don't know what he wants. Percy. Neither do I. Chanoine-Malherbe. {Outside) Apportez- moi du vin. Gargon, gargon I Percy. Listen to it ! Whew ! {Enter Chanoine-Malherbe, down-stage left, at the moment when the Officer appears in the door center.) Chanoine-Malherbe. Ce commissaire — ? Ah! 14 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Officer. Well, what is it ? Is this the gentleman who wanted me? Why couldn't you have called at the station yourself? Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui. Officer. No "Oui" about it. That's the way we do things in our country. Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui. Officer. I can see you're a foreigner, only next time you'll know what to do. Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui. Cashier. He doesn't understand a word of English. Officer. And I don't understand a word of French. We'll get on fine together ! Cashier. (To Percy, zvho has been trying to escape) Interpreter! Percy. (Coming down-stage) Ye-es? Officer. (To Percy) Find out what he wants? Chanoine-Malherbe. (To Harry) Ah, M. rinterprete ! Percy. Oui, oui. Chanoine-Malherbe. Dites-lui que je me nomme Jean- Jacques Chanoine-Malherbe, que je viens de Paris pour trouver ma fille qui s'en est allee de chez moi avec un jeune homme, et Officer. What's he say? Percy. It's a long story. Very complicated — hm — this gentleman before you is a — Frenchman. Officer. I know that! Percy. He came to London — just — just as Frenchmen do come to London. Officer. But why does he need an officer? Percy. Wait, wait, I must have time to translate. Chanoine-Malherbe. Dites-lui que- — Percy. Exactly. (To the Officer) Do you want to know why this Frenchman wants an officer ? Well — he's been robbed. A pocket-book. Now this gentleman got off— got off — the express Chanoine-Malherbe. Dites-lui FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 15 Percy. Wait! {To Officer) Got off the ex- press at Victoria, when a mysterious-looking in- dividual came up — and took his pocket-book. Chanoine-Malherbe. Tres bien ! Percy. Oui, oui. (He tries to get away again, ivhen Chanoine-Malherbe takes out his pocket- hook) Officer. He's got two pocket-books! Percy. Didn't you know that? All Frenchmen have two pocket-books. Chanoine-Malherbe. Voici sa photographic. Officer. The thief's photograph?! Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui, oui. Officer. These Frenchmen! How did he get the thief's picture? , Percy. I forgot to tell you, but the man who stole the pocket-book was an old acquaintance. Officer. What name? Ask him. Percy. The name? Hm — Why his name is — er — Gaston — — Officer. How do you spell it? /'^'"'^Percy. Why do you want me to spell it? — G-e-s-t-n-n Officer. How do you pronounce it? Percy. Gas-ton. {Emphasis on the first syl- lable) Officer. Very good. I'll start an investigation. Percy. Yes, you'd better go at once. Besides, this gentleman is rather tired. Officer. Good-morning, sir. {He goes out, center) Chanoine-Malherbe. Qu-est-ce qu'il a dit? — Qu'est-ce qu'il a dit? Percy. Oui, oui. Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui, oui, oui — ^la paix! Cashier. What's he saying? Percy. Nothing at all. Cashier. He seems to be disturbed about some- thing. i6 , FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Pe^cy. We shouldn't bother him. He says to let him alone. Chanoine-Malherbe. Quel mauvais interprete! Cashier. Now what's he saying? Chanoine-Malherbe. {Looking at his dic- tionary) Ig-no-rant In-ter-pre-ter ! Cashier. He means " ignorant." You are an ignorant interpreter! But I thought Percy. No, no, no — Ig-no-rant in French means Oh, if you only knew what that meant ! "^anoine-Malherbe. (To Cashier as he goes out, center) Oh, la, la! Un pareil hotel, et un pareil interprete! Cashier. He is disturbed, isn't he? Percy. Not at all, he's charmed. That's the way with the French. Cashier. Wait a moment. Stay here while I'm gone. (She goes out, up-stage right) (Enter Seraphine up-stage right.) Seraphine. M. rinterprete ! Percy. (Pretending to have a sore throat) Sore throat — can't talk. Seraphine. Ah, then you cannot speak? Percy. (Forgetting about his throat) Oh, you can speak English ! Why didn't you say so at first ? Seraphine. Now you can speak. Eh bien, parlez Percy. (Coughs) Not at all well. It's a little better. Don't mention it. Seraphine. Ya-t-il un bureau de telegraphes prcs d'ici? Percy. What's the good of talking Frcncli when you can speak English so well? That's no way to learn a language. Seraphine. I cannot speak well the English. Percy. All the more reason why you shouldn't speak French. I warn you, I refuse to answer when you speak French. FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 17 Seraphine. All right. I tell you— {She catches sight of her father's hat on the table) Oh! Percy. What's the matter? Seraphine. Who is that gray hat? Percy. A Frenchman left it here a moment ago. Seraphine. (Examining the hat) Oh, c'est le chapeau de mon pere! Percy. Certainly. Seraphine. I'm going to my room. Percy. That's a good idea. (Seraphine goes out, up-stage right. Enter Gerald, center.) Gerald. Interprete. ^ Percy. This is getting a bit too warm for me! {He turns to Gerald with an air of defiance) You frog-eating beggar Gerald. Frog-eater yourself, you blasted bloke from Clerkenwall Percy. {Effusively, to Gerald as he hastens to shake hands with him) Ah, you speak English! You knov/ I'm a little shaky on my French, though of course I know German, Russian, Chinese, Turkish, Spanish Gerald. You know Spanish? — Que hora son? Percy. {Laughs) Well, I was saying Gerald. But I asked you a question. Que hora son? Well? Percy. Do you want an immediate answer? Gerald. How long does it take you to let me know what time it is? Percy. Oh, it's eleven o'clock — that's easy. Listen to me : I have a favor to ask you. There's a Frenchman here and I don't understand his dialect. Gerald. Where is he? Percy. We'll find him. Very good of you to help me. He must be in the smoking-room now. i8 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Here's my cap. {He places his cap on Gerald's head) Mister! {He calls out through the door down-stage right) Mister! Gerald. Say " Monsieur." Percy. Mushir, mushir. {To Gerald) I want to tell him that there's a good interpreter here. Gerald. " Un bon interprete." Percy. Bone interpreet. Mushir, bone inter- preet. Chanoine-Malherbe. {Outside) Un bon interprete? Bien! {Enter Chanoine-Malherbe, down-stage right. Gerald recognizes Seraphine's father and pulls his hat over his eyes) Ah, celui- ci? Je voudrais qu'on me serve mon dejeuner tout de suite. (Gerald makes his escape) Hein? Quoi? Percy. He's the one, not me! Good-bye. Chanoine-Malherbe. Seigneur! {He goes out, down-stage right) { There come sounds of a scuffle out in the hallway. Enter Officer followed by another officer who holds Gerald tight by the collar.) Officer. Here's your thief. Just as I was walk- ing past I saw him, and the minute I looked into his face I recognized him from the photograph. Bring the Frenchman here. We'll show these foreigners what Scotland Yard can do ! And come back your- self, we'll need you later. (Percy goes out, upstage right.) Gerald. What do you mean by this? What's the charge? You'll hear from this! Do you know I'm related to Officer. Just keep calm, young fellow. {He refers to his note-book) Your name is Gas-tnnn — {Enter Seraphine^ up-stage right.) FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 19 Seraphine. Oh, dearest, dearest! Officer. Arrest that woman, she's an accom- plice. Seraphine. (As the other officer takes her by the arm) Qu'y-a-t-il? Gerald. You were right this morning. There's the gray hat! Officer. Silence! No communication between the prisoners! They may be part of a dangerous band. (Enter Chanoine-Malherbe, down-stage right.) Chanoine-Malherbe. Ma fille, ma fille! (To the Officer) Mon ami, voici la demoiselle dont je vous ai parle tout a Theure, et Officer. All right, all right. But is this the man who stole your pocket-book? Chanoine-Malherbe. Oui. Gerald. Does he say I stole his pocket-book? (To Chanoine-Malherbe) Vous lui avez dit que j'ai vole votre portef euille ? Chanoine-Malherbe. Jamais de la vie! Gerald. You see, he says he never said anything of the sort. Officer. I don't understand French. Come on to the station. Gerald. (To Chanoine-Malherbe) Votre fille va au commissariat I Chanoine-Malherbe. Jamais. (Takes Sera- phine &y the arm) (Enter Cashier, up-stage right.) Cashier. What is the trouble? Seraphine. But I am his daughter! Officer. What's that to me? (The telephone bell rings. The Cashier takes the receiver and says:) 20 FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. Cashier. It's Paris. They want M. Gerald Forsyth. {Into the telephone) There's no one • Gerald. Here I am! Cashier. But your name is Parkinson ! Gerald. It's also Forsyth! Officer. And also Gas-nnn (Gerald goes to the telephone.') Gerald. Alio! {Pause) It's my chief in Paris — oui, oui. {Another pause) It seems he tele- phoned here a little while ago and thought he was connected with a lunatic asylum. — Merci, merci bien! — He is going to give me an interest in the business. Seraphine. Ah, Papa, Papa ! Gerald va entrer dans la Maison ! {Enter Percy.) Chanoine-Malherbe. C'est vrai? Alors, je vous donne ma fille! {He goes dozvn-stage. The Officer starts to conduct the prisoners out) Officer. You'll have to come along now. Percy. Stop, Officer! You don't understand. The Frenchman says he has found his pocketbook. He told me it was all a mistake. {To Chanoine- Malherbe) Oui, oui? Chanoine-Malherbe. {Good-naturedly) Oui, oui, mon ami. Percy. See there? Officer. Then there's nothing more to be done ? {The prisoners are released) You're free! CURTAIN. THE WORLD'S BEST PLAYS By Celebrated Eluropean Authors A NEW SERIES OF AMATEUR PLAYS BY THE BEST AUTHORS, ANCIENT AND MODERN, ESPECIALLY TRANSLATED WITH HISTORICAL NOTES, SUG- GESTIONS FOR STAGING, Etc., FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS, COLLEGES, AND DRAMATIC CLUBS BARRETT H. CLARK General Editer ITH the immensely increased demand for new plays for purposes of production by amateurs W comes a correspondingly great demand for a care- ful selection of those plays which can b9 easily and well presented by clubs and collegres. The plays in the present series have been chosen with regard to their intrinsic value as drama and liter- ature, and at the same time to their adaptability to the needs and limitations of such organizations. The Series, under the personal supervision of Mr. Barrett H. 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