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 The Evil that has been said of Doctors 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM EARLY WRITERS. 
 
 COLLATED FROM " LE MAL QU'ON A DIT DES MEDECINS, OF 
 
 DR. S. J. WITKOSKl 
 
 TRANSLATED, WITH ANNOTATIONS, BY 
 
 T. C. MINOR, M.D. 
 
 CINCINNATI: 
 
 Reprint from the Lancet-Clinic, 
 1880.
 
 
 ^/v. r1 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 EARLY GREEK AUTHORS. EARLY LATIN AUTHORS. 
 
 FRENCH WRITERS. 
 
 POPULAR FRENCH ANECDOTES REFLECTING AGAINST DOCTORS. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM ENGLISH WRITERS. 
 
 600129 
 
 LISRAAf
 
 THE EVIL THAT HAS BEEN SAID OF DOCTORS. 
 
 KARIvY QREKK AUTHORS. 
 
 ANCIENT WRITERS. 
 
 JESOP (8th Century B.C.). 
 
 THE OLD WOMAN AND THE DOCTOR, 
 
 An old woman had sore eyes and called 
 in a doctor. When the price of service 
 was settled the physician visited the patient 
 at her home, and used ointment on her 
 eyes. During these visits the old woman 
 could not see the doctor, and the latter 
 removed all her household goods, one 
 piece after another. When all was taken 
 the patient's eyes were cured, and the phy- 
 sician demanded his fee, which the old 
 woman refused to pay and was therefore 
 cited to appear before a magistrate. To 
 the agent of the law she remarked: "I 
 promised to pay this man if he restored my 
 sight ; but, my vision has grown worse ; 
 before, I could see my furniture, to-day, 
 that is an impossible thing." 
 
 Moral: Thus dishonest men, through 
 their avariciousness, amass proof against 
 themselves. 
 
 THE PATIENT AND THE DOCTOR. (^) 
 
 ^sop, that excellent author, in whose 
 works all the graces may be discovered, 
 has left us an account of how tyrannical 
 authority may be exerted on those weak- 
 ened and frightened by disease. He tells 
 
 I Montaigne, '' Essays," livre ii, chapter 
 xxxvii. 
 
 the story of a patient who was questioned 
 by his physician as to the effects of the 
 medicine taken. 
 
 " I am sure," said the sick man, " that 
 the medicine was good, for I sweated 
 freely." " 'Tis well !" remarked the doc- 
 tor. The next time the physician interro- 
 gated the patient the latter repHed : "I 
 had a severe chill and trembled." "'Tis 
 well ! " answered the physician. The third 
 time the medical man asked how his pa- 
 tient felt the sick one responded : ' ' I feel 
 swollen up and puffed out, as though I 
 had the dropsy." And the doctor said, 
 " Ah ! everything progresses well." Pres- 
 ently a servant entered and inquired of the 
 sick man regarding his condition. "Ah, 
 my dear friend," replied the patient, "I 
 am doing so well that I am dying." 
 
 THE TWO DOCTORS AND THE PA- 
 TIENT. (^) 
 
 One of those physicians, who are ever making 
 visit, 
 Saying "Better," to those sick in bed a-lying, 
 Heard the sadly wearied patient say, " This med- 
 ical ' what is it ? ' 
 Knows my heirs are satisfied, and I am dying." 
 
 A patient told two different physiciaiis, 
 whom he visited, the symptoms of his dis- 
 
 I The two fables that follow are extracted 
 from a volume entitled •' Les Fables d'Esope
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 ease. Each time he went one doctor said, 
 ** You are better;" and the other remarked, 
 *' About the same." The patient, hearing 
 this difference of opinion, was embarrassed 
 as to which doctor to believe, as the choice 
 appeared difficult ; both physicians gave co- 
 gent reasons why they expressed such de- 
 cided opinions, and the poor patient could 
 not tell how to set his mind at rest. In the 
 end, however, he believed in the doctor 
 who always said ''about the same," and fol- 
 lowed all his prescriptions, dying finally. 
 The medical men drew two advar)tages 
 from this patient's death. "About the 
 same " remarked that he had foreseen the 
 outcome, while "You are better" stated 
 that had the patient used better judgment 
 and his remedies he would have recovered. 
 
 THE GRAVE-DIGGER AND THE DOCTOR 
 
 •* It is an injury done ; hut I persuaded am, 
 He could not cure, although he strove to save. 
 
 The subject was unhealthy ; nought, the doctor's 
 balm." 
 Thus said the sexton, and he dug the grave. 
 
 A grave-digger was burying his neigh- 
 bor ; as he dug the grave he perceived the 
 physician who had treated the deceased 
 during the last illness. " I thought you 
 skillful," exclaimed the grave-digger, "and 
 imagined you would cure this poor fellow 
 of his malady." Replied the physician : 
 " I did all I could for the patient, but alas! 
 the man was unhealthy.'" Said the grave- 
 digger, dropping his spade, aghast: "If 
 he had not been unhealthy, he never would 
 have called you in." 
 
 " De tous nos charlatans excuse illegitime, 
 Le malade meurt il, il etait cachochyme, 
 La nature I'a-t elle, en deftit d'eux gueri, 
 II serait, nous dit-on, sans nous deja pourri." 
 
 * :. * 
 
 raises en Francais avec les quatrains de Benser- 
 ade." Rouen, twelfth century. 
 
 MIMNERMUS (Greek poet, 7th cen- 
 tury B.C.). 
 
 "This is the chatter of the doctors, 
 who put themselves in favor and make 
 excuses ; doing their worst for sickness, 
 and committing frightful injuries" (Sto- 
 baeus, FlorigeUum, tit, cii). 
 
 * :ic * 
 
 HERACLITUS (Greek philosopher, 
 6th century B.C.).0 
 
 "If we except doctors, there are none 
 more stupid than grammarians. "(^) 
 
 LETTER FROM HERACLITUS, SICK WITH 
 DROPSY, TO AMPHIDAMAS. 
 
 Grand consultation of physicians in my 
 case, my dear Amphidamas, and but little 
 delay in the matter; they will listen neither 
 to medicine nor the voice of nature. One 
 wishes one thing, the other another ; all 
 are profoundly ignorant. My body was 
 swollen as a leather bottle ; they did noth- 
 ing save to relax it slightly by touching. 
 Some wished to give me a remedy, which 
 I refused to take. I demanded the cause 
 of my sickness, and they responded not. 
 They to treat me ! Not much ; it is I who 
 treated them. " How," said I, "can you 
 be artists on the flute when you leave it to 
 those who do not understand the trade ? I 
 shall prescribe for myself, for I cannot 
 consent to confide in you until you can tell 
 by what method one can change humidity 
 into dryness." None seemed to compre- 
 hend my remarks, and held tongue, doubt- 
 ing their own science. I well know their 
 other patients have been cured, not by 
 
 1 See in future reference the account of the 
 death of this philosopher by Diogenes Laertius. 
 
 2 Athenaeus reproduces this sentence in his 
 writings.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 themselves, but by chance. It is an im- 
 piety, Amphidamas, to lie and declare we 
 possess a science we have not ; to kill men 
 under pretext of practicing an art, and 
 thus to defame not only the true art, but 
 Nature. To boast of one's ignorance is 
 assuredly a shame, but to vaunt possessing 
 a science that one has not, is more 
 shameful still ; and why choose such false- 
 hoods to dishonorably acquire money? 
 They would do better to beg openly. 
 Perhaps we might pity them. Now, they 
 are cursed as dangerous beings, and as 
 liars. Among them there is not a physi- 
 cian, nothing but imposters and charlatans, 
 who sell their sophisms at the price of gold. 
 The divine Heracleodorus, my friend, was 
 killed by them, and they made his estate 
 pay for the deed ; they cannot render an 
 account of my malady, nor tell me how 
 humidity may be changed to dryness. 
 
 lyric 
 
 poet, 5th 
 
 PINDARUS (Grecian 
 Century B. C.).0 
 
 PYTHIAN (ode third). 
 
 But the allurement of gain is a rock of 
 danger for the wise. Ever seduced by a 
 rich recompense(^) by the attraction of gold 
 placed before his eyes ^sculapius resusci- 
 
 1 This poet died at 86, while assisting at a gym- 
 nastic exhibition. He gently expired reclining on 
 the knees of his disciple Theoxenes. Chapelle 
 has doubtless forgotten this peaceful death of the 
 poet, when following a copious repast with 
 Bachaumont, he responds to the servant who is 
 astonished at seeing both men in tears "Alas ! we 
 weep the famous poet Pindar, who was assassi- 
 nated in the flower.of his age, by ignorant doc- 
 tors." 
 
 As 86 years may be considered youthful to 
 some minds, and P ndar had no medical attend- 
 ance, the conclusion is obvious. 
 
 2 Plato reproaches Pindar, in his Republic, of 
 
 tated a mortal, already dead. (') Suddenly 
 Jupiter launched on them his fiery shafts, 
 and both were pierced through, and the 
 burning thunder-bolt struck them dead. 
 
 accusing the son of Apollo of receiving a salary 
 for giving life to the dead, and that his avarice 
 was punished by Jupiter. It is in fact, more logi- 
 cal to admit, with the majority of authors, that 
 the Ruler of Olympus only acted on the solicita- 
 tion of Pluto, who was uneasy lest his empire 
 might be prejudiced, owing to the skill ot 
 yEsculapius. The truth is, since this exemplary 
 punishment, no physician has risked the raising 
 of the dead. The following lines evidence how 
 Seneca treats this fiction in his "Works ot 
 Apollo : " 
 
 To please Diana, Apollo revived Hippolytus, 
 Forcing e'en inflexible Destiny to bend ; 
 Snatching the body out of Death's clutches. 
 Then from Acheron, Pluto — barbarous monarch, 
 With blow of trident, opened Hell's portals 
 And on a whirlwind of sulphur and pitch 
 Raised his voice Heavenwards in grim complain- 
 ing : 
 "Is this done, and thou consenting, ungrateful 
 
 Jupiter? 
 Art not contented with thine own mission ? 
 Audacious Apollo, superb in his art, 
 Comes he to declare on me war on thy part ? 
 Ah ! could I believe this! " All nature trembled 
 At this menacing cry, blood-curdling and fright- 
 ful; 
 But Jupiter's smile soon cleared up the air. 
 " King of Hell," cried he, "cease thy alarm ; 
 For the one, ^sculapius has ta'en from thy dark- 
 ness, 
 His disciples shall send thee victims unnum- 
 bered." 
 Yet, to calm the soul of his angry brother, 
 Jupiter cast his dread bolt at Apollo. 
 The stroke was certain, and in burning thunder 
 The God of Health was crushed into powder. 
 
 I The version of Virgil, derived from the 
 ' ^neid," is less malicious : 
 
 "Apollo's powerful art restoring life, 
 Jupiter, angry that such a practice 
 Upset his law, by reviving mortals, 
 Plunged the inventor into the state 
 From which Apollo freed Hippolytus."
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Mortal learn to know thyself; let thy de- 
 sires be those of a man, that they may 
 conform to thy destmy. 
 
 >lc * * 
 
 ARISTOPHANES (Greek comic poet, 
 5th century B. C.).(') 
 
 PLUTUS (a comedy). 
 
 Blepsideme : Is it not necessary to go 
 seek a physician ? 
 
 Chremyle : Physicians in Athens ! 
 There is no art without salary, f ) 
 
 Blepsideme : Seek well for one ! 
 
 Chremyle: There is not a single one in 
 the city. 
 
 Blepsideme: What to do, then, I know 
 not! 
 
 Chremyle : I have well reflected on the 
 matter, and 'tis best we make Plutus sleep 
 in the Temple of y^sculapius. f ) 
 
 The wife of Chremyle : So the God did 
 not come ? 
 
 Carion : He tarried not ; and, when 
 near us — O, laughable farce!— my belly, 
 swollen like a wind-filled bladder, emitted 
 a most melodious and sonorous sound. 
 
 The wife of Chremyle: The God of 
 
 1 Physicians were often ridiculed in Grecian 
 comedy. Antiphanes, and afterwards Philetaerus, 
 seemed to have represented a kind of Sganarelle 
 in their /Esculapius. The same Antiphanes, 
 Aristophon and Philemon, composed pieces en 
 titled " latros, or " the Doctor;" and, after a por- 
 tion nf his " Physician," Theophilus placed on 
 the stage some medical characters similar to those 
 that Cervantes attached to Sancho Panza, Govern- 
 or of Barataria. 
 
 2 At Athens, physicians only received a very 
 moderate salary ; so that, usually, skilled medical 
 men practiced their art in other more liberal 
 cities. 
 
 3 Patients were carried to the temple of /Es- 
 culapius to pass the night, where, it was believed, 
 they were visited by the God fwho was not seen 
 
 Health himself, no doubt, indulged in 
 smiling ? 
 
 Carion: No; but Iaso,(') who accom- 
 panied the God, blushed at the immodest 
 noise, and Panaceaf) turned and held her 
 nose ; for the sounds had not the smell of 
 roses. 
 
 The wife of Chremyle: Yes; but the 
 God? 
 
 Carion: He indeed paid not the least 
 attention to the sound. 
 
 The wife of Chremyle : He is then a 
 very boorish God? 
 
 Carion : I do not say that ; but he is in 
 the habit of even tasting excrements. (^) 
 
 * t, * 
 
 PHILEMON (Greek comic poet, 3d 
 century B.C.). 
 
 THE SICILIAN (cOMEDY). 
 
 It is easy for men to give advice, but 
 dififirult for one's self to follow it; we have 
 
 on account of the darkness), and their return to 
 health thus accomplished. 
 
 1 laso was the daughter of /Esculapius and a 
 deity of healing among the Greeks. 
 
 2 Panacea was another daughter of /Escu- 
 lapius 
 
 3 Aristophanes calls /Esculapius "Eat dung." 
 The Scholiasts thus explain his meaning : "It is 
 said that the physicians were then paid for ex- 
 amining human dejections and the urine, and 
 that that prince of physicians, Hippocrates, tasted 
 the patient's excrement to know whether the cure 
 was made," 
 
 Corne'ius Agrippa, in his "Uncertainty and 
 Vanity of the Sciences and Arts," thus narrates 
 one of ; his kind of amenities: " Ordinarily phy- 
 sicians are infected and capable of carrying con- 
 tagion. Oh, the villainous race ! Washed in 
 urine, perfumed with ordure, always hovering be 
 tween chamber pot and closet, they are beyond 
 comparison filthy ; stinking and more repulsive 
 than even midwives, and that is saying but 
 little." 
 
 A
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 5 
 
 an example in physicians: for their patients 
 they order a severe regimen, for them- 
 selves, on going to bed, they do all that 
 which they have forbidden others. Dis- 
 ease and the treatment of disease are two 
 different things. 
 
 Look around you : there is not a doc- 
 tor who desires the health of his friends, 
 not a soldier who desires peace for his 
 country. 
 
 Only the doctor and the judge have the 
 right to inflict the death penalty without 
 receiving the same.(^) (Stobaeus, Flori- 
 gelium.) 
 
 What is this man ? 
 A doctor. 
 
 By Jupiter ! a doctor must be very sick 
 when all the world is well.(^) 
 
 * * * 
 
 PLATO (Greek philosopher, 4th century 
 B.C.). 
 
 THE LAWS (dialogue NINTH). 
 
 Oh, fool ! Thou didst not care for the 
 disease, but gavest him a course of instruc- 
 tion as though he needed not a cure but 
 rather for himself to become a physician. 
 
 THE REPUBLIC (THIRD BOOK). 
 
 Herodicus(^) was master of the gym- 
 
 1 This is the remark of Mazarinade, " Cate- 
 chisme des courtisans de la cour de Mazarin," 
 1649: 
 
 Who is this doctor ? 
 
 He is an honorable executioner. 
 
 2 In a comedy played at Venice towards the 
 close of the sixteenth century, called the "Verita 
 raminga," a reminiscence of this passage is found, 
 where the doctor and apothecary rejoice at the 
 decadence of public morals, as it benefits them. 
 
 3 Herodicus had Hippocrates for a disciple, 
 but the latter did not favor his master's methods, 
 
 nasium, and became a valetudinarian ; he 
 made of medicine and gymnastics an ad- 
 mixture that served not only to torment 
 himself, but many after him. 
 
 In what way ? 
 
 By managing to secure a slow death ; 
 for, as his malady was mortal, he followed 
 it step by step without the power to cure, 
 neglecting all to care for himself, devoured 
 by inquietude if deviating from his set 
 diet, so that by the force of his art he 
 reached a ripe old age by a life of horrible 
 agony. His art then rendered him good ser- 
 vice. 
 
 PLATO (continued). 
 
 The best indication of bad laws and an 
 intemperate community is to find gathered 
 together many lawyers and many doctors. 
 
 IMITATION, 
 
 " When I meet at each step a patient," Arsecilas 
 
 the Scythian did say, 
 I at once know 'tis very unhealthy, where they're 
 
 so many doctors to pay. 
 Full well I know too, or imagine, where so many 
 
 are given to vice, 
 That the people are wholly immoral and lawyers 
 
 not overly nice." 
 
 PLATO (continued). 
 
 Plato says that only physicians are per- 
 mitted to lie at liberty when our health de- 
 pends on vanity and the falsity of their 
 medical promises. (Montaigne, Essays, 
 Book IV., Chapter xxxvii.) 
 
 Plato regarded medicine as prejudicial 
 to the individual as to society. (Le Mer- 
 cure, February, 1772.) 
 
 Socrates, according to Plato, in the 
 Third Book, De Regno, Q) felicitated an ig- 
 
 for he remarks : "In seeking to subdue the fa- 
 tigue which causes a disease, by another malady, 
 we often aggravate the condition of the affection 
 without easing it." 
 
 I The chapter " De Regno " does not exist in
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 norant painter that he had abandoned an 
 art which exposed his faults to the eyes of 
 the multitude, to embrace medicine, that 
 put his blunders out of sight and covered 
 them with from five to six feet of earth. 
 (Leroy, Le Charlatanisme demasque.) 
 
 ^SCHINES (Greek orator, 4th century 
 B.C.). 
 
 TO iESCULAPIUS. 
 
 I know the impotence of human art, 
 
 And place in Heaven high mine only hope. 
 
 From Athens I at once shall make a start 
 
 And for thine woods, (^) O ! ^Esculapius, grope. 
 
 For a whole year mine abscess I've endured ; 
 
 In three months' time, I know, I shall be cured. 
 
 * * * 
 
 MENANDER (Greek comic poet, 3d 
 century B.C.). 
 
 To employ a blabbing physician is to 
 gain a worse malady than the one we have. 
 
 That which finished me was a consulta- 
 tion of physicians whom my doctor called 
 to assist him. I succumbed to their num- 
 ber.("-) 
 
 the works of Plato. This idea seems to have 
 originated with Nicocles. Petrarch, in his "In- 
 vectives," likewise attributes this saying to 
 Socrates. 
 
 1 "This was a true privileged hospital, for in 
 it no one died," etc. (Pausanias, ii., 26.) 
 
 2 It is said that the Emperor Hadrian died of 
 a flux at the age of sixty-two, and made the same 
 remark, i.e., "It is the great number of doctors 
 that killed me," so that the paternity of this epi- 
 j^ram is wrongly attributed to this source. 
 Another ancient, seeing several physicians around 
 the bed of a dying man, exclaimed : " Behold the 
 vultures around the carrion ! " 
 
 Casimir Delavigne parodied a celebrated apos- 
 trophe of Horace against physicians in his 
 '• Comedians," Act /, Scene II: 
 
 Granville : The doctors of this place have 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Pourquoi vous etonner Julie, 
 
 Qu un peu de fievre et de melancolie, 
 
 Ait pu mettre en cinq jours Amarante au tombeau? 
 
 Avec ce penetrant genie 
 Qui connoit le plus fin de la philosophie, 
 Pourquoi demeurer court d'ans un chemin si beau, 
 Et douter du sujet de ce malheur funeste ? 
 Cessez de vous en prendre aux innocens destins; 
 
 La cause en est trop manifeste, 
 
 Elle avoit quatre medecins. 
 
 — BoRDELON, Diversitez, curieuse, 1699. 
 
 M.P., being extremely ill, saw at his 
 bedside several physicians who had been 
 called, pro fonna, in consultation, and re- 
 marked that he felt like a soldier con- 
 demned by a court martial ; then, address- 
 ing the doctor who seemed to him most 
 skilful among the number, he said : *'To 
 you. Monsieur, I confide the task of exe- 
 cution, if it is to be "(Bordelon). 
 
 * 
 
 NICOCLES 
 B.C.). 
 
 (Greek poet, 4th century 
 
 TO VALERIUS MAXIMUS. 
 
 Physicians are happy because the sun 
 lights up their successes and the earth 
 hides their mistakes. (^) (Stobaeus, jEdog. 
 Serm., ccxlvi.) 
 
 treated him — God knows how ; there were three 
 physicians, and, moreover — 
 
 Pembrock : Poor man ! how could he contend 
 against three ? 
 
 Granville : Oh, he died ! 
 
 I This epigram is analogous to that which 
 several authors put into the mouth of Socrates, 
 and has often been reproduced since Beaumar- 
 chais repeated it in " Le Barbier de Seville," act 
 ii., scene 13 : 
 
 Bartholow : An art in which sunlight honors 
 each success. 
 
 The Count: In which earth hides each mourn- 
 ful blunder.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctor^. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Between professions, sure, 
 That of medicine take ; 
 
 The sun shines on a cure, 
 Earth hides each mistake. 
 
 * 
 
 ■^ 
 
 ATHENiEUS (Greek writer, 3rd cen- 
 tury B. C). 
 
 THE BANQUET OF SAVANTS. 
 
 By Minerva ! Menecrates of Syracuse 
 had not such boastfulness (') as he who has 
 been surnamed Jupiter, and who was so 
 proud in saying that by his medical art he 
 was arbiter of the lives of men. He re- 
 quired of those he treated for diseases re- 
 garded as incurable, (') to engage by 
 written contract, to serve him as his slaves 
 when they were cured, and really, these 
 subjects never left him afterwards. Such, 
 among others, was Nicostratus, of Argos, 
 who followed him as Hercules after being 
 cured. Ephippus mentions this in his 
 " Peltaste," but " Menecrates said that he 
 was a God, and Nicostratus, of Argos, that 
 he was another Hercules." 
 
 Another of the subjects cured, took the 
 chlamys and rod of Mercury; another 
 assumed winged heels and pinions like 
 unto the God, like unto Nicagoras, of 
 Zela, who was the tyrant of his country, 
 
 1 Athenaeus speaks here of the pride of a cer- 
 tain cook who boasted that he had found a method 
 of rendering himself immortal by bringing the 
 dead to life with the odor of his dishes alone. 
 
 2 The text says sacrees, because all incurable 
 diseases were regarded, in times of antiquity, as 
 evils attributed 10 divine wrath. Epilepsy was 
 among the sacred diseases, and was often simu- 
 lated, as at the present day, for invoking the 
 charity and pity of the passer. Menecrates, with- 
 out doubt, attracted such malingerers, who easily 
 imposed on his egoti-,tical credulity and knew how 
 to work the physician to their profit. 
 
 according to Baiton, in his account of the 
 tyrants of Ephesus. 
 
 Hegesander reports that Menecrates, 
 before curing Astycreon made him take 
 the name of Apollo. Another patient, who 
 was likewise treated successfuly, took the 
 costume of yEsculapius, and accompanied 
 the charlatan Menecrates in his wanderings. 
 As to Menecrates himself, he went by the 
 name of Jupiter, and wore a purple robe, 
 with a crown of gold upon his head, and a 
 scepter in his hand, and paraded about 
 with his conclave of spurious divinities. 
 One day he wrote to Philip, King of 
 Macedon, as follows : 
 
 ^^ Menecrates Jupiter, to King Philip, greet- 
 ing! 
 
 Thou art King of Macedon, and I am 
 King of Medicine. Thou canst make 
 men in health perish when thou desireth. 
 I can save the sick, guarantee to cure all 
 disease up to the extremity of old age. 
 Those who are well, if they follow my 
 orders live for ever. If thou hast soldiers 
 to guard thy person and life, I have for 
 protectors, those I have snatched from the 
 jaws of death. For, it is I, Jupiter, who 
 giveth life." 
 
 King Philip responded to this fool 
 quack doctor in these words : 
 
 ^^ Philip, to Menecrates, greeting and better 
 sense r' {') 
 
 Menecrates wrote in about the same 
 terms to Archidamus, King of Lacedemo- 
 nia, and to others on the occasion, ntver 
 forgetting to omit his self assumed title of 
 Jupiter. 
 
 Philip one day invited this doctor to 
 dinner, together with his retinue of so- 
 
 I It is also said that the King added that 
 Menecrates "might" go to Anticyra, the classical 
 land of Hellebore, that plant having the reputa- 
 tion of curing insanity.
 
 8 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 called Gods. The quack was placed upon 
 a throne ornamented in the greatest mag- 
 nificence, and with all the mock ceremony 
 possible. A table was placed before him, 
 on which were all the first fruits of the 
 season and delicious cooked meats, but, 
 the?e were only served to the King's con- 
 vivial companions, who were in the joke ; 
 the servants only allowed Menecrates and 
 his troupe of Gods to smell the odor from 
 the empty cups used in libations ; finally, 
 the quack Jupiter Menecrates, finding him- 
 self the laughing stock of the King's com- 
 pany, flew away from the repast with his 
 patients. Alexis recalls the memory of 
 Menecrates in his Minos. 
 
 if "^ -^ 
 
 HEDYLE (3d century B. C.).0 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Agis had not given a clyster to Aris- 
 tagoras, and had not even felt his pulse, 
 for no- sooner had he entered the sick 
 room than the spirit of Aristagoras de- 
 parted. Is aconite more powerful than 
 the presence of Agis? Ye who make 
 funeral biers, cover Agis with flowers and 
 
 crowns. 
 
 * * * 
 
 STRATON (2d century B. C.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 The physician Capiton, laved the eyes 
 of Chryses with an elixir. Before, he saw 
 a tower at eight stadiums distance, at one 
 stadium he saw a man ; at twelve cubits he 
 saw a quail ; he saw a louse at a hand's dis- 
 tance. Now, he could not see a town at one 
 stadium's distance ; at a few yards he could 
 not perceive a light house ; he saw a horse 
 
 I These citations from Hedyle, Straton, Nicar- 
 que, Macedonius, Agathias, Collicater and Lucille, 
 are derived from the " Greek Anthology." 
 
 at two hands' distance ; and in place of 
 seeing a quail at a few cubits, he could not 
 even note an ostrich. Had he continued 
 his physician's remedy, he could not have 
 perceived even an elephant standing before 
 him. 
 
 * * * 
 
 NICARQUE {2d century B. C). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 What do you ask passers bye ? I de- 
 mand who are those here interred under 
 these tombs ? These are all patients of 
 Zopyrus, those whom he has put out of the 
 way of sunlight ; here lie Damis, Aristotle, 
 Demetrius, Arcesilas, Sostratus and many 
 others. Having for a healing rod a club, 
 and sandals out at heels, for the wings of 
 Mercury, he leads all those he treats to 
 Hell. 
 
 ON RECTAL INJECTIONS. 
 
 A physician suffocated an old woman 
 with a rectal injection ; none knew why 
 she died, but she departed promptly, for 
 the noise of the clyster was still in her 
 family's ears when they placed a wreath on 
 her grave, and prepared the burned meats 
 for the funeral repast. 
 
 Phedon gave me neither injections nor 
 inunctions ; but, having a fever, I recalled 
 his name and now lie here dead. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Phedon, in my fever w^hich w^as slight, 
 Neither a drink nor clyster w^arm applied ; 
 But Phedon's name set my heart in affright, 
 And, even without seeing him, I died. 
 
 — Saint Simon. 
 
 THE ORTHOPEDIST. 
 
 Socles having promised to straighten 
 out the hump-backed Diodorus, placed 
 three heavy stones on the patient's dorsal 
 spine. Crushed beneath the weight Die-
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 dorus died; but, he was now straighter 
 than a rule. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Socles promised Diodorus to relieve him of his 
 
 hump, 
 And placed four very heavy stones upon his spinal 
 
 bump; 
 Diodorus perished, overloaded with this weight ; 
 Socles kept his promise ; the hump was straight. 
 — Adaptation of Chopin. 
 
 AGAINST THE PHYSICIAN SIMON. 
 
 If thou hast an enemy Dionysius, call 
 not for the vengeance of Isis (^) nor of 
 Harpocrates, nor any other divinity that 
 deprives one of sight, but call in the physi- 
 cian Simon, for Simon can avenge thee as 
 the Gods. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Hast thou an enemy ? Invoke not of Isis her 
 wrath ; 
 Nor call on Harpocrates, who, too, inflicts 
 blindness. 
 Call in Doctor Simon, the guide for Death's path. 
 He'll give you vengeance, with his killing kind- 
 ness. 
 
 THE HAPPY DEAD MAN. 
 
 In a surgical operation Agelaus butch- 
 ered Acestorides. '' If he had Hved," said 
 the physician, "he would, unfortunately, 
 have always been lame." 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Under the scalpel of a master surgeon, 
 
 A patient trembling but all hopeful came. 
 
 The victim died. " How happy ! " cried the 
 doctor, 
 " For had he lived, he surely had been lame." 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
 The physician Alexis had visited five 
 patients ; he prescribed for each of the five 
 a wash, a bolus and a friction ; all the five 
 lived but that single night, for there was 
 
 I Isis was supposed to have the power of in- 
 flicting blindness. See Ovid "De Ponto" i, 51. 
 
 only one remedy, one grave-digger, one 
 funeral, one tomb and one lamentation. 
 
 Before rubbing his eyes with the ocu- 
 list's collyrium, the unfortunate Damostra- 
 tus said farewell to the sacred light of 
 day, for Dion never failed in his art. Not 
 only had he blinded Jupiter, but he had 
 even robbed the statue erected to the 
 latter of its glass eyes. (') 
 
 The astrologer Diophantes announced^) 
 to the physician Hermogenes that he had 
 not more than nine months to live, and the 
 doctor only laughed and exclaimed : *' Why 
 delay nine months? Knowest not that 
 even my art is more expeditious ? " As 
 he spoke he extended his hand and merely 
 touched the astrologer's pulse. Diophantes 
 immediately expired in convulsions. 
 
 Great Caesar ! The fable tells us how 
 in other days Eurystheus sent Hercules to 
 the God of Death ; now it is I who send 
 the physician Menophanes. Therefore, 
 we no longer say Menophanes, but Doctor 
 Eurystheus. 
 
 Yesterday the physician Marcus touched 
 the statue of Jupiter, and although it was 
 carved in marble, though being Jupiter, it 
 passed away to-day, the same as all the 
 other of this doctor's patients. 
 
 Marcus herimedicus tetigitlapidemque Jovemque; 
 Ipse hodie effertur Jupiter, iste lapis. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Marcus, physician, yesterday touched Jupiter 
 
 carved in stone ; 
 To-day, both stone and Jupiter a joint burial 
 
 own. 
 
 1 These eyes were not formed of glass, but 
 rather of precious and sparkling stones. 
 
 2 One of the physicians of the Emperor Ha- 
 drian.
 
 10 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 PLUTARCH (2d century B.C.). 
 
 From the " Lives of Illustrious Men." 
 
 CATO THE CENSOR (his Opinion of medi- 
 cine). 
 
 Cato was not only the enemy of Greek 
 philosophers, but likewise held as suspects 
 those who practiced medicine; and he 
 had, no doubt, heard of the response of 
 Hippocrates to the King of Persia, who 
 had offered many talents to the great phy- 
 sician to come and treat him at his Court, 
 and to whom the physician said that he 
 never treated barbarians who were the 
 enemies of the Greeks. Cato thought this 
 a reflection applicable to all doctors, and 
 warned his son to avoid them. He com- 
 posed a work on medicine for treating the 
 sick in his own household, and always laid 
 down rules of diet for those afflicted, (') 
 although this regimen was never very 
 severe. He nourished them on herbs, 
 
 I Cato, who criticises doctors so immoderate- 
 ly, himself fretended to cure all diseases with 
 curious remedies, which he recommended in all 
 seriousness in his "Rural Economy." Pliny, also, 
 desired his friends to avoid doctors, but to take 
 the medicines he prescribed. In later ages we see 
 Montaigne and Madam Sevigne fall into the same 
 pit of inconsistency. 
 
 Among Cato's marvellous remedies, cabbage 
 plays a leading part, i e.^ retjiedies prepared with 
 cabbage. "If at meals you desire to eat largely 
 and with appetite, eat cabbage with vinegar — as 
 much as you may desire — and even after the meal 
 eat five cabbage leaves, and you will still feel as 
 though you had not eaten nor taken drink ; and 
 you can commence to drink again at your pleas- 
 ure." He recommends the juice from boiled cab- 
 bage, and even the cabbage itself, in gastric 
 disorders ; in colic, palpitation of heart, gout, 
 deafness, urinary retention, and in diseases of the 
 liver and lungs " Applied in cataplasms to 
 wounds and tumors, it will cleanse all ulcerations 
 and cure without pain. It will cause abscesses to 
 open, clean and cure infected wounds and cancers 
 that have defied all other remedies. Contusions, 
 
 duck's flesh, ring doves and rabbits; he 
 claimed this nourishment easy to digest by 
 weak persons, having no other incon- 
 venience than to make them talk in their 
 sleep in their dreams ; with this treatment 
 he claimed to have preserved his own 
 health, as well as those around him. But, 
 in reality, he was not so successful in his 
 treatment as he claims, inasmuch as he lost 
 his wife and son. For himself, he was 
 healthy and robust, and long preserved 
 physical vigor ; at a very advanced age he 
 often cohabited with his wife, for he mar- 
 ried late in life a young girl of very dispro- 
 portionate age. 
 
 DION — DEATH OF DTONYSIUS. 
 
 Dion fell ill, and his end appeared 
 near ; Dion desired to speak a word in 
 favor of the children he had had by Aristo- 
 machus ; but the physicians, in order to 
 pay court to young Dionysius, who was to 
 succeed his father, left no time for Dion to 
 speak. The tyrant, according to Timaeus, 
 demanded a soporific ; such a strong one 
 was given that all his senses were be- 
 numbed, and he promptly entered into the 
 sleep that knows no waking. 
 
 ANTHONY XXIX. 
 
 Magnificent presents made by the son of An- 
 thony to the physician Philotas. 
 
 The physician Philotas, of Amphissa, 
 was admitted to the friendship of the eld- 
 est son of Fulvia by M. Anthony, and was 
 on such terms of friendship that he sat at 
 the young man's table among his other ac- 
 
 pustules and eruptions are cured by applications 
 of boiled cabbage It is a veritable panacea." 
 
 Again, in another section, Cato says : " Pr^ 
 serve the urine of a person who has eaten cab- 
 bage, warm it carefully and use it for a bath for a 
 sick person ; it is a sure cure for disease. Children 
 of feeble constitution laved in cabbage urine will 
 
 I
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 II 
 
 quaintances, when the latter did not dine 
 with his father. One evening, at a con- 
 vivial gathering, a young physician was 
 also admitted to the table, who disturbed 
 all the guests with his loquacity. Philotas 
 closed the young doctor's mouth by the 
 following sophism: "It is necessary," 
 said he, "to give cold water to a man who 
 has fever ; now, all men have fever to a 
 certain degree; it is necessary, then, to 
 give water to all men having fever." 
 
 The young physician was struck dumb 
 by this sophistry, (^) and young Anthony 
 was so charmed at his embarrassment and 
 laughed with all his heart, and exclaimed, 
 " Philotas, take all that's here ! " and opened 
 a closet filled with superb vessels of silver. 
 Philotas, not thinking a boy of that age 
 could make gifts of so great value, 
 merely thanked the young man for his 
 good will. The next day came to the 
 house of Philotas an officer of Anthony's 
 Court, who brought in this great present 
 and proceeded to weigh the silver to see 
 that none was missing. Philotas, who 
 feared to be blamed if he received such 
 a gift from the young man, persistently 
 refused to accept, when the officer said: 
 " What an innocent ! Do you hesitate to 
 accept such a trifle ? Do you not- know 
 that it is Anthony's son who sends the gift, 
 and that he could give you the same 
 amount of gold vessels without being over- 
 generous? True, if you prefer to receive 
 the value of this plate in money it may be 
 done, for it is possible the boy's father may 
 desire to preserve some of these antique 
 vases, that are much sought after on ac- 
 
 become robust for ever after, and those having 
 feeble sight and weak eyes will find in this rem- 
 edy an excellent collyrium. Headaches disappear 
 when the forehead is bathed in cabbage urine," 
 etc., etc. 
 
 2 This has very little logic. 
 
 count of the beauty of their workman- 
 ship." This story has been narrated to me 
 by my grandsire, who had often heard 
 Philotas relate the same. 
 
 ♦ 
 LUCIAN (120-200 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 A physician sent his son to me to learn 
 belle iettres, whence he came to know those 
 verses from Homer so much used by gram- 
 marians : 
 
 "The Muses sang in wrath, making a thousand 
 
 misfortunes. 
 Sending to realms Plutonic many a soul most 
 
 valiant." 
 
 The father heard these lines and no 
 longer sent his son to school; and, one 
 day meeting me, he said: "My son can 
 learn all that from me ; in fact, I send 
 more souls to Pluto than the Muses. I do 
 not need a grammarian in my family. 
 
 LATIN IMITATION. (^) 
 
 Ad me grammaticam natum qui disceret artem, 
 
 Instructus medica miserat arte pater. 
 
 At puer didicit. " Refer iram " et " Mille dolores 
 
 Fecit," et bis junctus qui quoque versus erat: 
 
 " Praestantes multas animas sub Tartara misit?" 
 
 Non pater ad ludum mittit. ut ante, meum. 
 
 Mox que ubi me vidit : " Tibi gratia, dixit, 
 
 amice ; 
 Me doctore, potest dicere natus idem. 
 Ipse animas egomet multas sub Tartara mitto ; 
 Grammatici neque an id posco docentis opem." 
 
 DIALOGUE OF THE GODS. 
 
 Dialogue T4TH. — Dispute between ^Es- 
 culapius and Hercules regarding preaudience. 
 
 Characters: JupiTER, Hercules, ^scu- 
 
 LAPIUS. 
 
 Jupiter : 
 
 Finish as soon as 'tis possible ; ye weary my 
 brain. 
 
 I The translation into Latin verse is by Vavas-
 
 12 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 5 
 
 What ! will ye not go to the banquet ready 
 in waiting ? 
 
 See that brilliant circle of Gods and likewise 
 of demigods ! 
 
 Yet, as two fools, ye keep ever disputing. 
 Hercules : 
 
 What wouldst thou, father, that a low char- 
 latan 
 
 Take place before me ? 
 yEsculapius : 
 
 How ? I trust mine rights in this place are 
 worth more than thine ! 
 Hercules ; 
 
 Of what rights speakest thou? I cannot agree : 
 
 For Jupiter, knowing the laws thou trans- 
 gressed, (') 
 
 Punished thee with his withering thunder- 
 bolt. 
 
 And, in compassion rather than equity, 
 
 Raised thee, unworthy one, to ranks immor- 
 tal. 
 
 Can this be thine privilege ? 
 ./^culapius : 
 
 To the eyes of great Hercules my sad taking- 
 off seems amusing ! 
 
 Dost not remember that on Mt. ^tna thou 
 wert once thrown ? 
 
 That was thine funeral pyre. 
 Hercules : 
 
 Insolent ! Think ye that I, son of the mas- 
 ter of thunder, 
 
 I, of unfortunate mortals known as a deity, 
 
 I, whose strong arm has subdued a hundred 
 grim monsters 
 
 And bowed their heads low for their hideous 
 crimes . 
 
 That 1, should be placed on a par with a 
 charlatan, 
 
 An empiric practicing in public places. 
 
 Acting as mountebank with feet and hands 
 nimble, 
 
 Selling at low price his balms, called all sove- 
 reign ; 
 
 To our poor sick ones rendering some useful 
 service. 
 
 The same as are given by all generous mor- 
 tals? 
 JElsculapius : 
 
 I find, in truth, thine discourse to be marvel- 
 ous. 
 
 I Allusion is here made to raising Hippolytus 
 from the dead. 
 
 When thou first entered Heaven's bright por- 
 tals. 
 With Centaur Nessus' thrice-fatal tunic, 
 And funeral pyre by thineself lighted, 
 Twice hadst thou by death's fires been con- 
 sumed. 
 Ingrate ! And was it not mine friendly hand 
 That called thee from death to life eternal ? 
 Yes ; but for me, who but a poor surgeon am. 
 Spreading my benefits to all human races. 
 Fevers and pains, of all kinds and manners. 
 Withdraw at mine instance their hideous co- 
 horts ; 
 I have never denied mine honored employ- 
 ment. 
 Nor have I been like a slave as hast thou. 
 Under the purple hiding mine talents ; 
 In rich Lydias' palace lingering in dalliance, 
 Turning a spindle with languorous fingers. 
 Never was I so ridiculous a lover, 
 Nor bowed I humbly at the feet of Omphales 
 With forehead bruised with the gold of her 
 
 sandals ! 
 One ne'er saw me shiver with horrors ! 
 One ne'er saw me, in excess of anger, 
 Slaughter at one time children and mother ! 
 Hercules : 
 
 Hold thine peace, beast, with tongue of a 
 
 viper ! 
 Woe be to thee ! for with my arm vigorous. 
 Raised, though all trembling, high unto hea- 
 ven. 
 To fall first on thine head. 
 Go ! Immortality prevents but slightly 
 Breaking thine neck and the bones of thine 
 
 body. 
 I'd wager besides thine protector Apollo, 
 Patron of doctors, no matter what's done. 
 Would restore anew thine vile, wicked car- 
 cass. ' 
 Jupiter : 
 
 Cease, brawlers, I order, or far from this 
 
 banquet 
 I'll force ye to carry such wearisome quarrels, 
 ^sculapius first takes his seat at mine table, 
 Since he first died, that right is most valid. 
 
 TRAGODOPODAGRA (drama). 
 
 The Gout: What mortal on earth fails 
 to recognize me, the Gout? King of all 
 pains, an invincible sovereign. No vapors
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 13 
 
 of incense can calm my violence, neither 
 blood sacrifices spread upon warming 
 braziers, nor temples in which are suspend- 
 ed richest of offerings. Pean with his 
 remedies cannot triumph over me though 
 he be physician to the Gods of Heaven, 
 nor can ^sculapius the son of Phebus sub- 
 due me. Since humanity had birth, men 
 have had the audacity to seek to destroy 
 my power by using offensive remedies 
 against me. A thousand artifices have 
 been used to injure me. One used hemp 
 and plantain, another prescribed sraallage, 
 another lettuce leaves, and still another 
 wild purslane; some used leeks, pond 
 weeds, stinging nettle, or even the weeds 
 that flourish on our marshes; some advised 
 cooked parsnips, peach leaves, hyoscia- 
 mus, poppies, onions, pomegranates, flea- 
 wort, hellebore, niter, foenugreek infused 
 in wine, frog spawn, gum cypress, barley 
 flower, boiled cabbage, salted pickles, sheep 
 dung, human excrement, bean flour ; 
 others, again, gave cooked toads, weasels, 
 lizards, cats, frogs, hyenas, musk deer and 
 foxes. What metals has not man essayed? 
 What juice has he not tried ? He has 
 utilized the bones of all known animals, 
 their nerves, skin, flesh, fat, blood, urine 
 and milk. Some have taken remedies 
 four times, others eight times. Some have 
 been purified before taking these sacred 
 potions ; some have abused themselves by 
 the charms bought from impostors ; a third 
 and ignorant class is trapped by the Jew 
 quacks ; and there is a last kind that in- 
 voke and implore the power of true medi- 
 cine. As for myself, I make the world 
 weep, and am most incited against those 
 who use such remedies in their endeavors 
 to chase me away. As for those who re- 
 sist not, I have a more kindly feehng, and 
 treat them less severely. Those initiated 
 in my mysteries learn to say, above all, 
 
 good words for me, and charm others with 
 joyous praises of the pangs I inflict. All 
 the healthy world laughs and applauds 
 when they see me carried to the baths. 
 
 I am that Atia of whom Homer speaks, 
 he who walks on men's heads with delicate 
 toes ; the vulgar call me Gout, because I 
 catch them by the feet. (0 I have tamed 
 more than one mortal hero ; sages are not 
 ignorant of the fact that the light-footed 
 Priam has become Priam the gouty-toed. 
 A foot disease carried off" the great Achilles, 
 son of Peleus. Bellerophon was one of 
 my victims. The Sovereign of Thebes, 
 ^dipus, had swollen feet. Plisthines, one 
 of the Pelopides, was gouty as well as 
 commander of the fleet. Another chief of 
 the Thessalians, Podarces, although gouty- 
 toed, took command of the ships when 
 Protesilas perished in the naval combat. 
 It is I, the Gout, who killed the Sovereign 
 of Ithiaca, that mighty Ulysses, son of 
 Laertes. Unfortunate mortals, do not re- 
 joice in your insolence, but quietly submit 
 to the just punishment I choose to inflict. 
 
 Chorus of Doctors . We are the Syrians, 
 born at Damascus ; pressed by hunger and 
 misery, we wander o'er earth and waters. 
 We know an ointment, a gift paternal, with 
 which we ease those who are gouty. 
 
 The Gout : Of what is this ointment 
 composed ? How is it prepared ? 
 
 A Physician : An oath, most solemnly 
 taken, will not permit us to divulge the 
 secret. Our father, in dying, recommended 
 as his last wish that we reveal not the 
 ingredients of this remedy — an agent that 
 will bring your cruel pains to terms. 
 
 T^fe Gout : What ! Miserable villains ! 
 there is not in this whole world a remedy 
 that can constrain my powers. Make your 
 
 I The word podagra, in Greek, really signifies 
 the trap in which the animal is caught by the feet.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 healing contracts, and we shall see whether 
 my fires or your remedy is strongest. 
 Come, griping pains, from your sombre 
 concealment ; fly to me, death-shadows, ye 
 dear companions of my orgies ! Catch 
 this man by his great toes ; penetrate his 
 heel pieces; spread thine acrid humors 
 under his knee joints; bend his fingers 
 like the willows in a basket. 
 
 The Gouty Pains : We have executed 
 your orders ! They are overthrown and 
 prostrate ! Ah ! the unfortunates, how 
 they utter lamentable cries ! Our very 
 approach has twisted their limbs with tor- 
 tures. 
 
 The Gout: Go! quackish strangers, see 
 now whether your ointment will remedy 
 your own attack. If it will really oppose 
 my fury, I shall abandon the earth ; I will 
 burst my own entrails and plunge alone 
 into the deepest gulf of Tartarus, unknown 
 and invisible. 
 
 The Physician : Alas ! The ointment 
 applied does not diminish the hellish fires 
 of the pain. 
 
 The Gouty Patient : Oh ! great God ! 
 I am pierced through and through. I am 
 dying ! an invisible power has destroyed 
 me. The lightning of Jupiter is not as 
 terrible in its effects ; the ships on the 
 raging sea are not tossed about with so 
 much fury, and the whirlwinds of the tem- 
 pest are less impetuous. I am bitten by 
 the cruel tooth of Cerebus ! The venom 
 of a viper seems to devour me ! Is this the 
 subtile poison from the tunic of the Cen- 
 taur ? Have pity on me, great Deity, this 
 ointment is not my make. It is not a rem- 
 edy that can stay your potent course, and 
 my very sufferings proclaim you to be vic- 
 torious over all mortals. 
 
 The Gout : Cease, cruel tortures ! mod- 
 erate your pains ! When this patient re- 
 pents having dared to defy me, all should 
 
 know that, save among the Divinities, I 
 am uncontrollable and vastly superior to 
 all mankind's remedies. 
 
 * >fc * 
 
 DION CASSIUS (155 to 240 A.D.). 
 
 ROMAN HISTORY. Q 
 
 Augustus was reduced by disease to 
 such extremities that he could no longer 
 administer his most urgent affairs. In his 
 necessity he called in a physician named 
 Antonius Musa, who restored his health 
 with certain beverages and cold baths, and 
 Caesar rewarded this doctor by giving him 
 a large sum of money and the right to 
 wear a gold ring, because the physician 
 had served him freely and only from love 
 for his majesty ; and thus Caesar gave the 
 prerogative of honor to all those that there- 
 after made medicine a profession. Al- 
 though this physician had the skill, or 
 perhaps good fortune, to make so good 
 and favorable a cure, — I might add per- 
 haps the Gods assisted him, — all might 
 have gone well ; but, some time after- 
 wards, Marcellusf) called him in to treat 
 his malady, and died, although he was 
 treated precisely in the same manner as 
 Caesar Augustus. 
 
 * . * 
 
 1 Translated from the Greek into Old French 
 by Anthoyne Canque, 1 597 A.D. 
 
 2 The statue raised in the public place to An- 
 tonius Musa, in honor of his having cured Augus- 
 tus, was torn down after the Emperor's nephew 
 had been killed by the same doctor. At least 
 the populace held Musa responsible for the death 
 of Marcellus ; but, notwitlistanding the unjust! 
 insinuation of Dion Cassius, this newly-freed and 
 ignorant slave, Musa, like the majority of Roman 
 physicians, was, without doubt, as free from th 
 charge of killing Marcellus as he was of curinj 
 his uncle Caesar Augustus.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 15 
 
 DIOGENES LiERTIUS (Epicurean 
 philosopher, 200 A.D ). 
 
 Lives of the most lilustiiotis Philosophers 
 of Antiquity. 
 
 EMPEDOCLES. 
 
 The physician Acron prayed the Con- 
 sul to grant him a place on which to erect 
 a monument to his father, whom he 
 claimed was the greatest doctor ever 
 known. Empedocles prevented the grant- 
 ing of this request, as much from motives j 
 of reason as by his remarks: " What in- | 
 scription would you have?" he demanded | 
 of the doctor. " What would you carve on | 
 the monument, an epitaph ? Would it | 
 read, 'Acron, the most eminent of physi- | 
 cians, son of an eminent father, is interred i 
 upon this rocky eminence^ the most eminent \ 
 point among his country's eminences.'' " | 
 Some translate the second verse, "This j 
 eminent tomb contains an eminent head."(^) | 
 
 HERACLITUS. j 
 
 He became so misanthropic that he re- : 
 tired to the woods, where he passed his 
 life in nourishing himself on roots and 
 herbs. He contracted dropsy in time, 
 which obliged him to return to Ephesus, 
 where he demanded, while scoffing the 
 physicians, that they should change his 
 rain into a drought. (-) Not being satisfied 
 with their replies, he tried to cure himself : 
 
 1 The pith of this epigram rendered into 
 English is hidden in the Greek word acron, which 
 signifies eminent, and is repeated as a play upon 
 words several times. This irony was very appH- 
 cable to Acron, who was proud and boastful, 
 and called himself, in alluding to his name, the 
 most eminent of physicians. 
 
 2 This enigmatical style was habitual wi h 
 Heraclitus, and obtained for him the surname of 
 the Gloomy Philosopher. See his letter to Am- 
 phidamas before mentioned. 
 
 he entered a stable and buried himself in a 
 pile of cow dung, hoping that the heat 
 would evaporate the water through the 
 pores of his skin and relieve the effusion, 
 He experienced the inutility of this effort 
 and died in his sixtieth year. Hermippus 
 reported that he consulted the doctors in 
 order to find out whether there was not 
 some method to pump out the water from 
 his intestines, and that he was answered 
 that no such procedure was known; that 
 he then went out into the sun and ordered 
 his children to cover his body with fresh 
 cow dung ; and that the treatment weak- 
 ened him to such an extent that he died 
 three days after. Neanthes of Cyzicus 
 says, on the contrary, that, not being able 
 to draw himself from the dung heap, he 
 died there and was eaten by dogs. 
 
 EPICURUS. {^) 
 
 It is said that Aristotle, in his youth, 
 dissipated all his patrimony in debauchery, 
 and was reduced to enlist as a soldier in 
 order to live, and he played the charlatan 
 by selling antidotes to his comrades on the 
 march. 
 
 DIOGENES, THE CYNIC. 
 
 The rake Didymon was occupied in 
 curing the eyes of a young girl. Diogenes 
 said to him: "Take care, while treating 
 her eyeball, you do not wound some other 
 
 part."(0 
 
 Having seen an ex wrestler who was 
 practicing medicine, he askf'd him by what 
 
 1 This philosopher composed three books 
 against doctors, not lorgiving them for the long 
 sufferings he had endured from a disease of the 
 urinary organs, of which he finally died. The 
 same spitefulness is evident in the works of J. J. 
 Rousseau, who had the same malady and attacked 
 physicians for a similar reason. 
 
 2 This raillery is upon the equivalents of the 
 two words signifying eyeball and girl. Diogenes
 
 i6 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 right he overcame those at present who 
 formerly vanquished him. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 V Athelete Devenu Medecin. 
 Tonjours vaincu rosse, meprise, malheureux, 
 Un athelete prefere a cet art dangereux 
 Celui de medecin que sans risque il exerce. 
 Diogenes lui dit " T'es, tu pas fait docteur 
 Pour te mieux assurer d'etendre a la renverse 
 Ceux qui te renversaient tant que tu fus lutteur?" 
 
 * * * 
 
 PLOTINIS (Platonic philosopher, 205- 
 270 A.D.). 
 
 PENSEE. 
 
 Medicine is the principle of errors. 
 
 * * * 
 BABRIUS (3d century Christian Era). 
 
 Fables. 
 
 THE MEDICAL FROG. 
 
 A frog that dwelt in the mire near a 
 swampy pool once wandered out on the 
 solid earth and told every animal it met 
 that it was a great physician and knew 
 every remedy in the world, being even a 
 greater doctor than Apollo, who lived 
 on Olympus and medicated the Gods. 
 *'How!" said a fox whom it met, ''you 
 say you can cure others — you, who always 
 limp along and cannot cure yourself. 
 Pah ! " 
 
 THE IGNORANT DOCTOR. 
 
 There was once a doctor who, like 
 many of his craft, did not understand his 
 trade, but who remarked to each of his pa- 
 tients : " Have courage ! I will save you ! 
 The disease is long, but you will be cured." 
 Once this medical pretender saw a very 
 
 intended to hint that the roue and physician 
 Didymon sought to use the medical benefits he 
 conferred on the girl as an excuse to ruin her. 
 
 sick man, and said to him : *'Make your 
 will ! You are dying. I do not desire to 
 abuse your confidence nor to deceive you, 
 but if you live until to-morrow you will last 
 no longer." This he remarked, and re- 
 turned to visit the patient no more. Some 
 time after the patient, recovering from the 
 attack, went out for a walk, still pale and 
 just able to stand. The physician met him 
 and said, ''Good day, old friend, how 
 goes it in Hell ? " The former sick man 
 smiled and calmly responded : ' ' Every- 
 thing is quiet there for they drink of 
 Lethe's waters. (^) Yet recently Pluto and 
 his wife were abusing earthly doctors, 
 whom they said were curing too many pa- 
 tients. They had the names of some of 
 these physicians on the list, and your name 
 was among the first ; but, seized with fear 
 on your account, I rushed forward and de- 
 clared to them that any one who claimed 
 you were a doctor was guilty of pure 
 calumny." 
 
 * * * 
 
 HIEROCLES (Platonic philosopher, 
 5th century Christian Era). 
 
 FACETIA. 
 
 A scholar meeting a physician said : 
 " I beg your pardon that I am not sick." 
 
 A man coming across a doctor while 
 travelling, hid behind a wall. Some one 
 asking his motive, he replied : " It is so 
 long since I have been ill that I blush on 
 seeing a physician." 
 
 A peasant laughed in his sleeve on see- 
 ing a physician examine the silver coin he 
 gave him as fee with his spectacles on, and 
 leave off his glasses while he examined the 
 urine in the chamber. 
 
 * * 
 
 I A river in Hell whose waters bring oblivion 

 
 The Evil tJiat Jias been said of Doctors. 
 
 ^7 
 
 MACEDONIUS (6th century Christian 
 Era). 
 
 THE doctor's mistake. 
 
 Yesterday, I was sick. A physician, 
 not an amiable personage, approached my 
 bed and forbade me to drink a cup of nec- 
 tar ; he prescribed that I should drink only 
 water; he was an ignoramus, who knew 
 not that HomerO has said ^^ Wine is the 
 strength and health of mortals.^' 
 
 I received, yesterday, a call, 
 From a doctor who slayeth all. 
 Nectar he forbade me to take, 
 Only water my thirst to slake — 
 Forgetting that old Homer states, 
 " Wine cheers and regenerates." 
 
 * .i. * 
 
 AGATHIAS (Greek historian, 6th cen- 
 tury Christian Era). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Alcimenes was tormented by the fever ; 
 his voice was rough and harsh ; his lungs 
 were as though pierced through by swords; 
 and an asthma oppressed his respiration. 
 Soon arrived Callignotus, of Cos, a senten- 
 tious physician, filled with the science of 
 .^sculapius, apt at drawing a prognosis 
 from symptoms, and foreseeing nothing 
 more than what happened. He examined 
 iiow Alcimenes was lying, looked at his 
 features, felt his pulse, consulted a treatise 
 3n critical days that, like a new Hip- 
 pocrates, he had evolved from his inner 
 magination; then, with a self-important 
 lir, he puffed h^'mself ur> and pronounced 
 
 I Allusion is here made to verse 261 of the 
 lixthbook of the Illiad, "To a fatigued man wine 
 jives vigor." 
 
 the following prognosis in the case : ''If 
 thy throat ceases to breathe noisily ; if thy 
 lungs no longer oppress thee ; if the fever 
 does not interfere with thy respiration, 
 thou wilt not die of pleurisy, and in such a 
 case we presage a near recovery. Take 
 courage ; however, call in a lawyer, as it is 
 always wisdom for the sick to arrange their 
 worldly affairs ; do not be uneasy, and I, 
 thy. physician, as the price of this good ad- 
 vice, ask to be put down in thy will for a 
 fee of one-third of thine estate." 
 
 CALLICTER (Early writer). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 With drugs, Rhodon removed leprosy 
 and King's evil ; for that matter, however, 
 he oftentimes removed his patients, even 
 without drugs. 
 
 * * * 
 
 LUCILIUS (Early writer). 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
 Neither in the flood of the Deucalion, 
 when the earth disappeared under the 
 waters, nor in the burning that Phaeton 
 spread through the universe, did as many 
 persons perish as have been killed by the 
 poet Potamon and the surgeon Hermoge- 
 nes. So that it has been remarked from 
 the beginning of time that there have only 
 been four great calamities on earth — the 
 flood. Phaeton's conflagration, Potamon, 
 and surgeon Hermogenes. 
 
 Diophantes, having seen the physician 
 Hermogenes m a dream, nezer woke up 
 again, and he wore a charm to protect him 
 against death, too.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 MORAL WORKS. 
 
 Apothegms of the Lacedemonians. 
 
 II. APOTHEGM OF AGESILAUS, 
 
 The physician had prescribed for his 
 malady a course of treatment to restore 
 health that was neither simple nor easy to 
 follow, but, on the contrary, a verv diffi- 
 cult task. "By the twin-born Gods!" 
 cried the sufferer, ''If my destiny be that I 
 will not live, I will not live, although I 
 take all the medicine in the world!" 
 
 The physician, Menecrates, had been 
 happy in curing several desperate cases, 
 for which reason he had been nicknamed 
 Jupiter; and he, with his usual arrogance, 
 usurped this name, so that he signed it to 
 his letters, as follows : "Men-crates, the 
 Jupiter, to Agesilaus, greeting!"(') And the 
 King replied, "Agesilaus to Menecrates. 
 Better sense ! " Meaning that the doctor 
 had an addled brain. 
 
 APOTHEGM OF ARCHIDAMUS. XX. 
 
 Periander was a capable physician in 
 his art and much esteemed as an excellent 
 man, although a writer of poor verses. 
 Archidamus one day remarked to him, " I 
 believe, Periander, that you would love to 
 be called a poor poet rather than a good 
 physician ! " 
 
 APOTHEGM OF PAUSANIAS. LIX. 
 
 A physician looked at him and exam- 
 
 I Athenaeus relates the same anecdote in re- 
 gard to a letter written to Phiilip, as mentioned 
 in a previous note. 
 
 ined into his physical condition and then 
 remarked, "You are not sick!" "That is 
 why I have no use for you," retorted Pau- 
 sanias. His friends took him to task for 
 sy.'eaking so ill to a doctor whom he had 
 never tried and hod never incurred his 
 displeasure. " If I had tried him,"(^) said 
 Pausanias, "I should not now be living." 
 On another occasion a physician had 
 said to him, " You are growing old." And 
 he replied: " Yes; but that is because you 
 
 I We find this same idea in the following 
 dialogue : 
 
 A Doctor : Why do you go and treat 
 With assassins, poisoning thugs! 
 Of doctors the very elite, 
 W^hen you never before used drugs? 
 
 Pausanias: Had I used their drugs I'd not 
 speak now ; 
 For none make mutes like doctors, I trow. 
 
 "Some one," says Bernier, in his " Essais de 
 Medecine," "imagines to have made a beautiful 
 response to a great Lord, to whose kindly chari- 
 ties a doctor, fallen into poverty, had been rec- 
 ommended. For this no!)le gentleman demanded 
 if the doctor no longer visited patients, when a 
 wit present replied: "He has no more clients. 
 He has killed all of them" 
 
 Pausanias was once asked how the Thracians 
 might be exterminated. "Put a physician at the 
 head of the army," was the ready reply. 
 
 The author of " Medecine a la censure" 
 makes "^osander say in conversation with Cleante 
 that " War is called the medicine of State for the 
 reason that it leads, like that art, an infinite num 
 ber of persons to death." 
 
 [
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 19 
 
 have never been my doctor." ''And," he I who do not starve their patients and thus 
 continued, " the best physicians are those I put them sooner under ground." 
 
 Apothegms of the Romans. 
 
 APOTHEGM OF MARIUS CURIUS. 
 
 Fabricus having been named Consul, 
 the physician(i) of Pyrrhus wrote him a 
 letter in which he promised to poison his 
 master if this was desired. Fabricus im- 
 mediately sent the doctor's letter to Pyr- 
 rhus, telling the latter he had bad judg- 
 ment in knowing how to choose friends 
 and avoid enemies. Pyrrhus, having thus 
 discovered and avoided the plot laid for 
 his life, hung his physician immediately 
 and sent all his Roman prisoners to Fabri- 
 
 1 Elieu, in his " Histoires Varices," says that 
 this physician was named Cineas. 
 
 2 Democritus responded sagely to Hippocra- 
 tes, that after thirty years' practice one is the best 
 doctor. This was also the opinion of Nero, but 
 he had a little malice towards doctors, whom he 
 had the audacity to treat as executioners. But 
 Nero was not the only Roman Emperor who 
 jeered at physicians, for Vespasian and Maximil- 
 lian, among others, have no less abused them. It 
 is said that the latter, being sick, called in a num- 
 ber of doctors, more to divert himself, however. 
 
 cus without obliging them to pay a ran- 
 som. 
 
 OF OLD AGE CONSIDERED IN ITS RELATION 
 TO THE ADMINISTRATION. 
 
 It is shameful, said Tiberius Caesar, 
 that a man who has passed his sixtieth 
 year should allow a physician to feel his 
 i pulse ;(-) but it is much more shameful to 
 tender his hand to the people, praying 
 them: to give voice and and suffrage for 
 his election to office, for this is vile and 
 low. 
 
 than to be treated, and asked each of them, 
 "Quot?" meaning "How many?" The doctors, 
 not understanding the Prince's question, remained 
 silent, until an old fellow, thinking by the word 
 " Quot? " that Maximillian meant " How many 
 have you killed ? " seized his beard with both 
 hands and answered, "Tot! " (as many as that), 
 meaning he had killed as many persons as there 
 were hairs in his whiskers. Delighted and satis- 
 x^ed with this response, Maximillian told the old 
 doctor that he was much wiser than his medical 
 associates, or, at least more witty and sincere.
 
 20 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 ANONYMOUS WRITERS. 
 
 (^Extracts from Greek Anthology.^ 
 
 THE EYE DOCTOR. 
 
 It was not with a probe, but with a 
 trident, that Charinus dressed mine eyes, 
 and he washed them out with a sponge full 
 of ink. In removing his pitch-fork trident 
 he pulled out mine eyes, leaving a portion 
 of his instrument behind. Had he at- 
 tempted to have dressed mine eyes on a 
 second occasion there would have been no 
 trouble with mine eyes, inasmuch as there 
 had been no eyes left to worry over. 
 
 DAMAGORAS AND THE PLAGUE. 
 
 Some person, having remarked that 
 Damagoras and the plague had the same 
 numerical value, examined their characters 
 carefully and weighed the result in deli- 
 cately construes ed scales; Damagoras was 
 so heavy, in proportion, that his mortality 
 weight lowered his side of the scale, while 
 the plate containing the plague was lifted 
 high in air by its very contrasting light- 
 ness. 
 
 THE DOCTOR AND THE GRAVE DIGGER. 
 
 The physician Crates and the grave- 
 digger Damon most pleasantly acted as 
 purveyors to each other. Damon stole the 
 shrouds of all those who were buried and 
 presented them to the physician Crates, 
 that he might dress his patients' wounds 
 therewith. All that Crates thus dressed 
 were soon on their biers, and in order to 
 be interred were sent to Damon. 
 
 PROVERB. 
 
 Acesias medicatus est (Acesias treated 
 him).(M 
 
 I Acesias lived in the eighteenth Olympiad. 
 He was widely known for his almost total lack of 
 success in practice. Aristophanes lampooned him 
 in sarcasms, gathered and repeated in turn by 
 Tertullian, Suidas and Erasmus, who have dis- 
 coursed on this unfortunate medical celebrity. 
 His professional ignorance passed as a proverb, 
 and when any affair that was growing worse and 
 worse each day was mentioned, it was a byword 
 that Acesias is treating him.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 21 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM THE SCRIPTURES AND WRITINGS OF THE FATHERS 
 
 OF THE CHURCH REFLECTING AGAINST 
 
 DOCTORS. 
 
 OLD TESTAMENT. 
 
 CHRONICLES (Book II, chapter xvi). 
 
 Asa fell sick, in the thirty-ninth year of 
 his reign, with very violent pains in his 
 feet; meantime, he called not on the Lord 
 in his sickness, but rather put his trust in 
 the physicians. 
 
 And he slept with his fathers, dying in 
 the forty-first year of his reign. (') 
 
 NEW TESTAMENT. 
 
 THE EVANGELIST ACCORDING TO SAINT 
 MARK. 
 
 There was a woman sick from a loss of 
 blood for more than twelve years. (-) 
 
 She had suffered much in the hands of 
 many physicians, and, having expended 
 all her goods, had found no relief, but had 
 grown worse. 
 
 Having heard Jesus spoken of, she 
 
 1 The death of this monarch, who expired, 
 jiotwithstanding the assistance of numerous doc- 
 lors, after two years of suffering, gave us, without 
 
 ioubt, that reflection of King Hezekiah, who, 
 earing a similar result or really convinced that 
 nedicine was contrary to divine teachings, burned 
 he books of Solomon containing remedies for all 
 liseases " because," said Cedrenus, " the people 
 esort thereto and neglect to pray to God in order 
 o obtain health." 
 
 2 The Biblical extracts are not in strict accord- 
 nee with the English, King James' version, but 
 he substance is the same. 
 
 came m the crowd that followed him, and 
 touched his garments. 
 
 For, said she : '* If I can but touch the 
 hem of his garment I shall be healed." 
 
 At the instant, her flowing of blood 
 ceased, and she felt in her body that she 
 had been cured of her infirmity. 
 
 * ^ 5j< 
 
 TERTULLIAN (Christian writer, 2d 
 century A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 They propitiated ^sculapius by pres- 
 ents, following the Grecian fashion. 
 
 OF THE SOUL. 
 
 Soranus, a learned author of methodi- 
 cal medicine, taught that the soul is nour- 
 ished by corporeal food, and, that it is 
 necessary to feed it in order to prevent its 
 decay. 
 
 He claimed that Herophilus ceased to 
 be a physician in order to become a public 
 executioner, and dissected hundreds of 
 bodies for the purpose of interrogating na- 
 ture ; that he was detested by man in order 
 to know him better, and that he might learn 
 the marvels of humanity's internal organiza- 
 tion. That he was an executioner, as it 
 gave him the opportunity to see the great 
 changes wrought in the parts suddenly de- 
 prived of life, when the death was not 
 natural; that, afterwards, he investigated 
 the bodies dead from disease, as a true ana-
 
 22 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 
 tomist, and by comparison exposed the un- 
 happy failures of life.(^) 
 
 DEFINITION OF THE SOUL. 
 
 The physician Asclepiades was ap- 
 plauded for the following argument : 
 
 ''The majority of animals, if we 
 remove the part of the body in which is 
 placed the principal seat of the sovereign 
 faculty of the soul, survive sometimes, and 
 give evidence of intelligence. It is so 
 with flies, wasps, grasshoppers, when we 
 cut off their heads ; it is the same with 
 goats, turdes and eels, when their hearts 
 are torn out. Then, the preponderatmg 
 faculty does not exist; if it exists, the 
 vigor of the soul is not continued when the 
 superior faculty is destroyed with its organs. 
 The majority of physicians, Herophilus, 
 Erasistratus, Diodes, Hippocrates and 
 Soranus himself, finally, all other Christian 
 doctors maintain that there is in the soul a 
 dominant faculty, and, that it has its sanc- 
 tuary in a certain portion of the body.f) 
 Even such thinkers as Protagoras, Apollo- 
 dorus and Chrysippus are of the same 
 opinion. So that Asclepiades, refuted by 
 
 1 Herophilus, physician to Ptolemy Sotor, 570 
 years before Christ, and Erasistratus, physician to 
 Seleucus Nicanor, dared, under protection of 
 these princes, to dissect human bodies. This 
 audacity, contrary to the moral and religious pre- 
 cepts of ancient times, led them to be accused of 
 dissecting persons alive. Medea was likewise 
 accused of boiling gentlemen alive, when she in- 
 vented her celebrated hot baths. The same 
 calumny was uttered against Andrew Vesalius in 
 a later age. 
 
 2 Hippocrates placed the soul in the brain. 
 Herophilus claimed it was in the cerebellum , 
 Straton and Erasistratus located it in the mem- 
 branes of the latter organ. Tertullian pretended 
 the seat of the soul was in the heart, being a body 
 sui generis. According to this veracious writer, it 
 was male or female ; it had three dimensions, 
 leugth, breadth, depth ; it had particular mem- 
 
 them, sought for his goats that bleated with- 
 out hearts, and chased the flies that 
 flew without a head; and all those who 
 believed in the disposition of the human 
 soul after the condition of beasts, knew 
 that the?e were those who lived without hearts 
 or brains. 
 
 ON EMBRYOTOMY. 
 
 Among the physicians may likewise be 
 met Hicesius, who is faithless to nature, as 
 well as to his art. (^) 
 
 There was among his instruments of 
 surgery, a brass needle, which served to 
 kill off the infant in its mother's womb, 
 and was called an embryosphacte f) be- 
 cause it was used for infanticide and the 
 destruction of life. It had been in the 
 hands of Hippocrates, Asclepiades, Eras- 
 istratus and Herophilus, who cut up even 
 living men with this instrument. 
 
 M. * * 
 
 SAINT GREGORIUS NANZIAN- 
 ZEN (329 to 389 A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 The physician who pretends to cure 
 diseases of which he cannot cure himself, 
 is an ignoramus as well as a dishonest 
 man. f ) 
 
 bers, a form in harmony with that of the body ; 
 it is palpable, transparent, of an aerian color ; all 
 souls rise one from another by propagation, with- 
 out being formed by a new creation. 
 
 The errors of Tertullian, caused his rejection 
 by the Church. According to Vincent de Lerius, 
 we can only classify him as an apostate. 
 
 1 This is intended, without doubt, to mean 
 Acesias, to whom a proverb was applied in a 
 previous note. 
 
 2 Composed of two Greek words that signify 
 / kill the evibiyo. 
 
 3 Plato in his Republic, hook III, has expressed 
 the same idea in a much more philosophic manner. 
 "Physicians," says he, "became very clever in
 
 The Evil that has been saict of Doctors. 
 
 ■3 
 
 SAINT AMBROSIUS (Bishop of Mi- 
 lan, 340 to 397 A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 The rules of medicine are contrary to 
 the knowledge of divine mysteries ; they 
 prevent fasting, condemn study and inter- 
 fere with the exercise of profound medita- 
 tion. 
 
 SAINT CHRYSOSTOM (Bishop of 
 Constantinople, 347 to 407 A. D.) 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 The services of doctors are only recog- 
 
 their art, if they themselves experience all varieties 
 of maladies when they are debilitated and valetu- 
 dinarian." Montaigne treats the same subject 
 with his usual spirit and railing and implacable 
 sarcasm, for, in his Essays, book III, chapter 
 xiii, he remarks: "They make the same de- 
 scription of our diseases as the town cryer, when 
 he shouts out in the public places that such a 
 horse or such a dog is lost, with such a colored 
 hair, such a height, such a length of ears ; but, 
 present them with what is lost, and they recognize 
 it not." 
 
 [ nized by money ; it is by prayer alone that 
 ' the divine physicians of the soul are recom- 
 pensed {Reflections on Saint Matthew, 
 chapter viii). 
 
 >!< * * 
 
 SAINT PIERRE CHYSOLOGUE 
 
 (Died in 402 A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 How can a physician undertake to cure 
 j with full knowledge of the cause, a disease 
 I from which he has never suffered ? How 
 ; can those who have not been sick with 
 i the infirmity they are called on to treat, 
 I pretend to reestablish our health ? 
 
 >tC "^ * 
 
 SAINT BERNARD (Celebrated French 
 Abbot, 1091 to 1153 A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Saint Bernard complained of the avarice 
 of physicians in his time (Bernier, Essays 
 on Medicine').
 
 24 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 KARIvY IvATTIN AUTHORS. 
 
 ANCIENT WRITERS. 
 
 PLAUTUS (Comic poet, 184 B.C.;. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM A COMEDY. 
 
 Act V, Scene i. 
 
 The Old Man : What a violent attack ! 
 What frenzy! Ye Gods help us! That 
 fool, meantime, was so full of good sense on 
 various occasions. Ah ! this terrible mal- 
 ady that hath overpowered him so sud- 
 denly ! Go quickly, search a doctor ! 
 
 [They depart.- 
 Scene 2. 
 
 Menechme [atone] : Have they left at 
 last? These pleasant gentlemen, who wish 
 to make one out mad by force, whereas I 
 am perfectly well. 
 
 Scene 3. 
 
 The Old Man: I have too much kid- 
 ney disease to sit down and too many eye 
 afflictions to look around while awaiting 
 I he physician's return from his sick calls. 
 Ah ! this doctor is usually a tiresome per- 
 sonage ; yet he takes the trouble to finish 
 liis patients! He pretends that yEsculapius 
 and Apollo had the one a broken arm, the 
 other a fractured leg, and that he cured 
 them. On sober thought, I doubt whether 
 it. is a doctor or a thick-skulled, stupid 
 bl icksmith I shall fetch. Ah ! there he 
 comes, walking on pins and needles. 
 
 Scene 4. 
 
 The Doctor: What disease did you say 
 he has ? Repeat the words, old man, is it 
 mania or a frenzy ? I desire to know. Was 
 he taken first with a lethargy or with a 
 dropsy ? 
 
 The Old Man : I will lead you to him, 
 so that you may see all, and so that you 
 may cure him. 
 
 The Doctor: Nothing can be easier. 
 I shall cure him, I'll swear it on my word 
 of honor! 
 
 The Old Man : His case will require 
 great care, and you must proceed most 
 carefully. 
 
 The Doctor: I'll go short-winded six 
 hundred times a day before I'll abate my 
 ardour in the care of him. 
 
 The Old Man [showing Menechme rav- 
 ing] : Here is the patient. 
 
 The Doctor: Let us now observe in 
 what manner he deports himself. 
 
 Scene 5. 
 Menechme [without apparently noticing 
 their arrival] : By Pollux ! this day is an un- 
 fortunate one! A most unlucky period for 
 me. All I hoped to have held secret is 
 discovered by that parasite, author of all 
 my scandal and all my trouble, my per- 
 fidious Ulysses, who has caused his king 
 all these chagrins. If the Gods preserve
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 25 
 
 my life, I will take hers : when I say her 
 life I am speaking like a fool, for she is 
 dear to me. It was at my table she was 
 nourished, and at a large expense. I will 
 deprive her of existence. Ah ! this courte- 
 san was as well conducted as the women 
 of her kind. Because I asked her to give 
 me back my wife's robe, she told me she 
 had already sent it her. Ah ! by Pollux, I 
 am well ruined! 
 
 The Old Man \to the physician\ : You 
 have heard what he says ? 
 
 The Doctor: He complains of his mis- 
 fortune. 
 
 The Old Man : Go speak to your pa- 
 tient! 
 
 The Doctor: Greeting, (') Menechme. 
 Why do you uncover your arm? Do you 
 not know it aggravates the malady ! 
 
 Menechme : Pah ! go hang yourself ! 
 
 The Doctor: Can you feel? 
 
 Menechme : Ye Gods ! Yes, I do feel. 
 
 The Doctor \to old ?nan] : A whole field 
 of hellebore would not suffice to cure him. 
 But tell me, Menechme ? 
 
 Menechme : What would you have me 
 tell? 
 
 The Doctor: Answer my questions. 
 Do you drink white wine or a wine that's 
 red in color ? 
 
 Menechme : Go hang yourself ! Go to 
 the gibbet or you will decay. 
 
 The Doctor : Ah ! he commences to 
 rave again. 
 
 Menechme; Why not ask me whether I 
 eat red bread or violet, or yellow. Whe- 
 ther I am not nourished on birds with, 
 scales and feathered fishes ? 
 
 The Old Man : Great Heaven ! Hear 
 his ravings and most wild extravagances ! 
 Hasten and give him a potion, before 
 
 I Moliere, undoubtedly, was inspired by this 
 play ; and his character Pourceaugnac was also a 
 simulator of insanity. 
 
 the fell disease doth permeate all his 
 being. 
 
 The Doctor: Wait a littie, I wish to 
 question him still further. 
 
 The Old Man : Further questioning ? 
 You will overpower me with your loquac- 
 ity. 
 
 TJie Doctor: Tell me if your eyes be- 
 come hard habitually ? 
 
 Menechme : Fool ! Do you take me 
 for a grasshopper ? 
 
 The Doctor : Do your guts ever rumble 
 and grumble ? 
 
 Menechme : When I am well fed they 
 do not cry aloud. It is when I'm hungry 
 that I grow most flatulent. 
 
 The Doctor: By Jupiter Ammon ! his 
 response is not that of a crazy man. Do 
 you sleep until daylight? Can you go to 
 sleep easily when you retire ? 
 
 Menechme : I sleep when I have paid 
 my debts. May Jupiter and all his Gods 
 confound you, cursed questioner ! 
 
 The Doctor: His madness recom- 
 mences. Do you hear him talk? Take 
 care and have your turn. 
 
 The Old Man : Ah ! there are soft ex- 
 pressions in comparison to what he has 
 already said. He called his wife a mad 
 slut. 
 
 Menechme : I use such language ? 
 
 The Old Man : You are crazy, say I ! 
 
 Menechme : I mad ? 
 
 The Old Man : Yes, you are. You 
 said to me that you would crush me under 
 a four-horse chariot. That was one of 
 your most extravagant expressions. I main- 
 tain that you said the same. 
 
 Menechme : I know that you stole the 
 sacred crown of Jupiter, and for that crime 
 should be cast into prison. You should 
 not be allowed out of gaol save to be 
 beaten by rods and handcuffed, that I 
 know. I also know that you assassinated
 
 26 
 
 The jEvil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 your own father and likewise sold your 
 mother. Am I present in spirit ? and, have 
 I returned injury for injury? 
 
 The Old Man : I conjure you, physi- 
 cian, to render your good offices most 
 speedily. Do you not see the nature of 
 his attack? 
 
 The Doctor : Do you know what 'tis 
 best to do? We will carry him to my 
 house. 
 
 The Old Man : Is that your advice ? 
 
 The Doctor ; Yes, for I could there 
 attend him at my pleasure. 
 
 The Old Man : What would you make 
 him do ? 
 
 The Doctor : I should make him drink 
 of hellebore for twenty days at least. 
 
 Menechme : And I should hang you and 
 flog you for thirty days at least. 
 
 The Doctor {to old man) : Go search for 
 men to cany our patient. 
 
 The Old Man: How many persons will 
 it need ? 
 
 The Doctor: With such wild dementia, 
 four good men — no less. 
 
 The Old Man : They will be here im- 
 mediately — and Doctor, will you guard 
 our patient well ? 
 
 The Doctor : I am not here to guard ; I 
 shall go to my house in order to prepare 
 what is necessary. Tell your servants to 
 bring your friend to me. 
 
 The Old Man ; He will soon be with 
 you. 
 
 The Doctor; I shall leave now. 
 
 The Old Man : We will meet again 
 {they separate and retire). 
 
 Menechme: My father-in-law has gone, 
 the physician has left — I am alone. Great 
 Jupiter! why will these men adjudge me 
 insane ! Since I was born I have never 
 had a day's sickness. I am not crazy, and 
 seek no quarrel with any one. I am in my 
 right mind, and I see others as they are. 
 
 I recognize friends and speak to them. 
 Those who pretend I am without my 
 reasoning faculties — have they themselves 
 not lost their heads ? 
 
 % 
 
 * 
 
 CICERO (107 to 43 B.C.). 
 
 CORRESPONDENCE WITH TYRON, HIS 
 FREEDMAN. 
 
 I have heard, as you have written me, 
 that all have a good opinion of your physi- 
 cian y^sclepion ; meantime, I cannot 
 approve his methods, but have taken care 
 that he shall know my opinion of this 
 point. 
 
 I have written Cassius to give you 
 money, of which you undoubtedly have 
 need ; I believe it best to give some of it 
 to your physician, in order to make him more 
 careful in his treatment. 
 
 ORATIONS. 
 
 SPEECH AGAINST VERRES. 
 
 When two citizens had a trial Verres 
 gave them for judges, following his whim- 
 sical caprice, the town cryer, an aurispice 
 and his physician, Cornelius. (^) What are 
 
 I " We learn," says Dr. Meniere, in his 
 " Medico-legal Study on Cicero," " that Corne- 
 lius was from Perga, in Pamphylia, and had 
 borne the name of Artemidorus ; and that he 
 aided Verres, at that time Praetor of the Province, 
 to pillage the Temple of Diana. He was most 
 certainly an abominable character, and we fully 
 agree in the judgement rendered against him. 
 Cicero cited a large number of his victims ; some 
 had been beaten with rods, others hung to trees, 
 always following verdicts rendered by the doctor 
 and town cryer. Here is a passage that aroused 
 the indignation of the prosecutor. The deputies] 
 of Agyrium were accused of having violated an] 
 edict of Verres ; they were betrayed before aj 
 tribunal consisting of Cornelius, the Praetor's phy- 
 sician, the deputy Valerius, the painter Tipoleme 
 and other parties of similar reputation. * Note,*
 
 TJie Evil that has 
 
 said of Docto7'S. 
 
 27 
 
 these men ? Here is a pack of famished 
 hounds prowling around me, or, rather, 
 these are the curs you notice licking the 
 Tribunal of Justice. 
 
 SPEECH IN FAVOR OF CLUENTIUS 
 AVITUS. 
 
 Dinea finding herself indisj^osed, her 
 son-in-law, Oppianicus, '* brought in his 
 doctor, who had freed the victorious minis- 
 ter of many obnoxious people. The 
 woman cried that she did not desire the 
 care of this physician who had caused her 
 to suffer the loss of an entire family." 
 
 The unfortunate mother-in-law could 
 not escape the danger that threatened her, 
 however, for Oppianicus employed a 
 traveling empiric named Clodius, who, for 
 the sum of four hundred sesterces, under- 
 took to treat the case. "He was intro- 
 duced to the patient, and gave her a 
 draught of medicine, and, very soon, she 
 died" {Meniere, ''^ Ciceronian Medicine ^^). 
 
 Shortly after, the physician Straton, 
 violated and murdered Sassia ; he likewise 
 assassinated two slaves guarding the treas- 
 ure ; but the crime was discovered, and the 
 culprit was crucified after having had his 
 tongue cut out. 
 
 SPEECH AGAINST VATINIUS. 
 
 Pison, Governor of Macedonia, not 
 being able to extort a sum of money from 
 a deputy named Plator, threw the unfor- 
 tunate man into prison, and sent a physician 
 to open his veins. This murder being 
 done with the most atrocious barbarity. 
 
 said Cicero, ' there was not among the number a 
 single Roman citizen ; it was a vile rabble of 
 sacrilegious Greeks, famous a long time for their 
 crimes,' It is difficult to perfectly brand a man 
 of such an atrocious stamp ; and, to Cicero, Cor- 
 nelius was synonymous with rascal and miserable 
 scoundrel." 
 
 Cicero exclaimed: "Eh! where are the 
 executioners, when doctors are employed 
 not to cure, but to kill?" {Meniere, ^^Ciceron- 
 ian Medicine "). 
 
 * .fc * 
 
 SULPICIUS SERVIUS RUFUS 
 
 (Early Latin author). 
 
 TO CICERO. 
 
 Imitate not those bad physicians, who, 
 in caring for others, boast of possessing all 
 medical science, and cannot even cure 
 themselves. 
 
 SENECA (Preceptor to Nero, ist cen- 
 tury A. D.). 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
 Avoid the council of doctors; with as 
 much ignorance as zeal, they will murder 
 you in the most obliging manner in the 
 world. 
 
 Nothing is more discreditable to a phy- 
 sician than to pry too closely into the work 
 of his medicine. 
 
 PUBLIUS SYRUS (ist century B. C). 
 
 SENTENCES. 
 
 Male babebit medicus, nemo si male babue- 
 
 rit. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The exit of a doctor is often viewed most sadly, 
 The patient, feeleth better, the physician feeleth 
 badly. 
 
 Medicorum nutrix est intemperantia. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 T'is our intemperances and habits, all health spoil. 
 
 ing, 
 That for physicians keep the pot a'boiling.
 
 28 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Crudeiem medicum intemperans agerfacit. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 If we wish to be sensible and live on half diet, 
 The doctor is furious and cannot keep quiet. 
 
 Male secum agit ceger^ medicum qui here- 
 dem facit. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 A patient has not sense, nor e'en of spirit. 
 When he informs the doctor, he'll inherit, 
 
 IMITATION SECOND. 
 
 This good old, man tormented by the colic, 
 In the near future doth his t nd forsee ; 
 His doctor is an ^sclaupian melancholic. 
 Whom he hath named residuary legatee. (*) 
 — Version of Poan, Saint Simon. 
 
 * * * 
 
 PLINIUS SECUNDUS (Philosopher, 
 23 to 79 A. D.). 
 
 NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 Criticism on the employment of medicines, 
 compounds, and exotics. 
 
 BOOK XIII. 
 
 It is true that physicians pretend that 
 we fail to have remedies in many cases, 
 and with this excuse they cover up the use 
 they make of injurious drugs. They even 
 have the impudence to contend that medi- 
 cine should not be classed with the pois- 
 ons. 
 
 BOOK XXII. 
 
 Nature, that good mother and Divine 
 worker, never made cerates, plasters, anti- 
 dotes or collyriums. These are the in- 
 ventions of the doctors, or rather, their 
 methods for gain. 
 
 I This reproach is impossible at the present 
 day in France, at least, inasmuch as the Code 
 Napoleon, annuls legacies made to physicians by 
 their patients. 
 
 BOOK XXIV. 
 
 The Materia Medicas are innumerable ; 
 this is the necessary outcome of physic. 
 Nature can only create proper remedies, 
 easy to find, that may be procured without 
 expense, and which in need, we use for 
 nourishment. It is rank fraud and charla- 
 tanism that has invented the laboratory 
 where they promise to restore life for the 
 price of money; it is there that compositions 
 and mixtures are first recognized when intro- 
 duced; it is therein that they boast of 
 remedies brought at great expense from 
 Arabia and India. They will tell you that 
 the Red Sea produces the only agent 
 against a carbuncle, whereas, we see our 
 poor people cure themselves with the con- 
 diments on which they are fed. But 
 would not medicine be considered a vile 
 art were each one to gather herbs and 
 shrubs in his own garden to serve for 
 medical specifics? It is from this, that 
 Roman grandeur has lost its antique 
 severity; the victors have been subdued 
 by the vanquished ; the Roman obeys the 
 barbarians; and, it is an art which is em- 
 ployed on our empire, and our emperors 
 themselves. 
 
 BOOK XXXIV. 
 
 But of all these distinctions, physicians 
 (it may be said of them without doing in- 
 jury) know nothing; the majority, indeed, 
 know not even the names of diseases, and 
 are far from the art of medication— an art, 
 meantime, that is the very basis of the pro- 
 fession. At present, then, every time they 
 read a dispensary they find therein some 
 recipe that they judge fit to use on the 
 first victim of their speculations ; they rest 
 faith entirely on the composition of this 
 drug, as do those upon whom they practice 
 their deceitful art, which is only a fraud 
 and perpetual sophistication. What do I
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 29 
 
 say ? I repeat, that we see at the present 
 day physicians who are not ashamed to 
 sell and trade, on their sick visits, the 
 plasters and collyriums of fraud. This 
 abuse is carried to such a point that the 
 druggists have no better work than to 
 purge their shops of all the spoiled and 
 adulterated drugs standing rancid on their 
 shelves. 
 
 How the Physician Asckpiada Discredited 
 Ancient Medicine. 
 
 BOOK XXVI. 
 
 Meantime ancient methods are main- 
 tained in all their vigor and have to favor 
 them the great witnesses of the past, since in 
 the time of Pompey the orator Asclepiades, 
 who could not draw as much profit from 
 his rhetoric as he desired, showed his 
 sagacity of spirit by turning from declama- 
 tion on the rostrum and suddenly becom- 
 ing a physician. The only defense he had 
 for a man who had never practiced the 
 healing art and knew nothing of remedies, 
 a knowledge only to be obtained by prac- 
 tice with the eyes and usage, was that he 
 renounced all the accepted theories of 
 medicine. (') He talked eloquently to 
 flatter his patients, and never used speech 
 without due preparation ; he claimed to in- 
 
 I " Asclepiades," says Galen, "let no ancient 
 dogma pass without repeating it, and spared no 
 physician who had preceded him, not even Hip- 
 pocrates ; and he was so bold as to call ancient 
 medicine 'a meditation on death,' because, for- 
 sooth, there once existed a system of expectant 
 medicine." 
 
 He did not even respect his contemporaries. 
 "When," says Caesar Aurelianus, "they called 
 Asclepiades to see a patient who had been under 
 another physician's care, he affected to reject all 
 the remedies used by his fellow-practitioner, and 
 approved all those agents that had been pro- 
 nounced injurious by others, as being useful when 
 he prescribed them. 
 
 vestigate the causes of each disease and 
 thus render all conjectural. His practice 
 revolved upon five principal methods of 
 cure, i.e., abstinence from food, sometimes 
 from wine, frequent friction of the body, 
 exercise on foot, or horseback riding. 
 Now, as such treatment was within easy 
 reach of everyone in those days, all the 
 world became interested in the success of 
 his remedies(^) that were so easy and 
 simple. The eyes of the human race were 
 fixed on this great physician, and he was 
 regarded as an angel sent from Heaven. 
 
 Irony upon the Death of Asclepiades. 
 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 The physician Asclepiades was crowned 
 with honors, for the reason that he estab- 
 lished a new medical sect, threw contempt 
 on the ambassadors and promises made by 
 King Mithridates, cured all diseases by the 
 use of plenty of wine, saved the life of a 
 man who had been entombed alive, but, 
 above all, by the contract he entered 
 into with Dame Fortune, inasmuch as he 
 consented to his own dishonor by dis- 
 gracing his profession. He wagered that 
 he would never be sick and won, as he 
 died at an extreme old age from falling 
 down his own stairs. 
 
 Of the Uncertainty and Variations of Medical 
 Doctrines. 
 
 BOOK XXIX. 
 
 We cannot see, without astonishment 
 and some indignation, that no art is less 
 
 I This recalls the memory of Archagatus, who 
 incurred the enmity of the Romans by his too 
 frequent use of iron and fire in his surgical prac- 
 tice. He was a man who opposed all his con- 
 temporaries by inaugurating a totally different 
 practice ; he would not use emetics or purgatives, 
 claiming such remedies injured the stomach. He 
 said the duty of a physician was " to cure in a
 
 30 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 constant(^) and at the same time subject to 
 more variation than medicine, although 
 the most lucrative profession of all 
 
 The same age as that in which Nero 
 lived saw medicine pass under the laws of 
 Thessalus, who obliterated all the ancient 
 precepts of the healing art and was the im- 
 placable foe of medicine, declaiming with 
 fury against all doctors who had practiced 
 their profession up to that epoch. A single 
 instance will suffice to let us judge of the 
 wisdom and character of this man. He 
 insolently proclaimed for himself the title 
 of "latronice," and had this inscription 
 placed as an epitaph on his tomb in the 
 Appian Road. When he went out in pub- 
 lic he had a more numerous escort than 
 any pantomime company or circus leader. 
 Meantime, Crinas, of Marseilles, who 
 combined medicine with the science of 
 mathematics, made a great reputation for 
 prudence and religion at the same time. 
 He made his patients take food only at 
 certain hours and under certain conditions, 
 that were always regulated by the almanac, 
 and by this method acquired more author- 
 ity than even Thessalus, and left, on dying, 
 what in our days would amount to one 
 hundred times five thousand sesterces 
 (about two hundred thousand dollars ot 
 our money) for the construction of a wall 
 around his native city; and, besides, gave 
 about as much more for building defenses 
 for other towns. These two doctors, Thes- 
 salus and Crinas, ruled over the medical 
 lives of men until Charmis suddenly seized 
 
 prompt, sure, and agreeable manner " {ttito celeri- 
 ter etjticundc) ; which led the witty Guy Patin to 
 observe, after repeating these words : "He sent 
 them to the other world surely and proviptly. 
 What a difference between doctors ! " 
 
 I The *' Dictiaques" of Denis Egee, to which 
 Photius refers in one of his works, contained one 
 hundred chapters on the Materia Medica. 
 
 the medical scepter of Rome, and con- 
 demned all his medical predecessors by 
 proscribing absolutely the use of hot baths. 
 In the end he established cold-water bath- 
 ing ; even in the coldest of winter weather 
 he plunged his patients under the ice, and 
 old Consuls were noted freezing themselves 
 in order to be in the medical fashion ; we 
 have Seneca's authority for this statement. 
 Medical fashion then, as now, was the 
 rage, and any new doctor's novelty was the 
 envy of other doctors and a traffic in 
 human life. Regarding unfortunate contro- 
 versies and contrary opinions around the 
 bedsides of patients, where consulting phy- 
 sicians failed to agree one with the other, 
 we cannot hazard an opinion nor take 
 sides. We remember that sad inscription 
 on a tomb where it is said of the dead, 
 ''A great number of doctors caused him 
 to perish. "(') 
 
 Every day medical art is inconstant 
 and subject to so many variations and 
 changes, that we are moved like the billows 
 on the ocean by the winds of the charla- 
 tans from Greece ; for it is evident that 
 those among them that have the talent 
 to discourse f) become absolute arbiters of 
 
 1 He alludes to the Emperor Hadrian; like 
 Moliere, he was phthisical, and, like him, de- 
 clared that the doctors were powerless to cure 
 him. This phrase is an old Greek proverb, met 
 for the first time in the fragments left by the poet 
 Menander. Refer to previous foot-note. 
 
 2 A rude jester has defined medicine as " the 
 art of bragging well and gilding pills." The same 
 as an ancient proverb says : " It is a shame for a 
 doctor not to be able to give reasons, as for a 
 lawyer not to know the laws." A similar thought 
 is attributed to Moliere by some scoffers, but 
 Maurice Raynaud wrongly places it in the '* Fes- 
 tin de Pierre," when he notes that " a doctor is a 
 man whom we pay for counting the fariboles in 
 a patient's chamber up to the point where 
 nature may have cured or the remedies may have 
 killed.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 31 
 
 our lives — or deaths — as though there were 
 not thousands of people (^) who lived with- 
 out doctors, if not without medicines — as, 
 for instance, the Romans, who existed 
 more than six hundred years, (') although 
 not slow at accepting useful arts, and had 
 once embraced the healing profession with 
 avidity, up to the time that many sad 
 experiences had led them to condemn its 
 fraudulent pretensions. 
 
 It is here that we may retrace all that 
 is most remarkable on this subject occur- 
 ring among our forefathers. Cassius Her- 
 minius, one of our ancient authors, reports 
 that the first physician who appeared at 
 Rome was Archagatus, son of Lysinias, 
 who came from Peloponessus to that place 
 under the consulships of Lucius yEnnilius 
 and Marcus Livius, in the year 535, and 
 was accorded the right of a patrician ; and 
 that there was purchased for him, from the 
 public moneys, a shop on the street known 
 as Acilius ; that this physician was named 
 physician for wounds, or vulnerary^ because 
 he followed that rather as a specialty; that 
 
 1 Herodotus cites the Babylonians and Strabo 
 mentions the Bastelians of S' ain who were thus 
 situated Homer tells us that every Egyptian 
 was a doctor. Among the Assyrians and Mace- 
 donians the patients were exposed to the public 
 gaze, and every passer-by was invited to give 
 counsel; even at the present day every man thinks 
 he knows all about medicine. Other, races have 
 expressed the greatest respect for the disciples of 
 ^sculapius ; among the Locrians, for example, a 
 law of Zeleucus condemned any patient to death 
 who drank wine \\ithout the authorization of his 
 physician, even although he be not damaged by 
 the stimulant. 
 
 2 Pliny probably intended to speak of foreign 
 physicians, for, according to Dion of Halicarnas- 
 sus, during the plague that attacked Rome in the 
 three hundred and first year of its foundation, or 
 more than two hundred years before the epoch 
 indicated by Pliny, there were not physicians 
 enough to attend to all the sick. 
 
 his arrival gave great public gratification ; 
 but that his cruelty with the actual cautery 
 on the human body soon led the people to 
 proclaim him an executioner, and afterwards 
 to detest the art of all physicians. It was 
 this that rendered Cato so sensitive, — he 
 who held such authority in contempt, re- 
 specting neither the censure that it exer- 
 cised nor the triumph it obtained, because 
 he had much more solid foundations of 
 knowledge in himself. We quote his 
 words : 
 
 *' I shall speak to you, Marcus, my son, 
 of these Greeks in good time and place. 
 I indicated to you what I have found ex- 
 cellent in Athens, and desire you to under- 
 stand that it is well to know a smattering 
 of their belle lettres, but not to study them 
 profoundly. They are an undisciplined 
 race, and a very, very wicked people ! 
 These are the words of an inspired man, 
 who thus speaks knowingly of them. 
 Every time this Greek nation sends us its 
 wisdom it spreads corruption in our very 
 midst, this being especially the case when 
 it sends us its physicians. They have 
 sworn, among themselves, to kill off all 
 those whom they call Barbarians, f ) They 
 make medicine a mercenary pursuit in 
 order to gain our confidence the more 
 readily, and lose our lives more easily. 
 They consider and treat us as barbarians, 
 and this qualification is a grave and more 
 atrocious injury to us than to other races 
 that are uncultured and rude. I forbid you 
 from having any intercourse with their 
 wicked physicians." 
 
 I Cato founded this reproach on the fact that 
 Hippocrates refused to render medical assistance 
 to Artaxerxes, because " he cured not the Bar- 
 barians, who are enemies to Greece."
 
 32 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors.' 
 
 Portraits of Greek Doctors Practicing at 
 Rome. 
 
 BOOK XIX. 
 
 The physician is the only artisan whose 
 word is implicitly relied on, for we always 
 believe what the doctor tells us, although 
 it is an art where imposture begets the 
 most serious consequences. We think not 
 for ourselves so much to recover our health 
 as to be charmed and deluded. We have 
 no laws to punish the ignorance that causes 
 deaths among our people — no examples of 
 public prosecution against a medical man's 
 testimony. The physician instructs him- 
 self at our expense, he experiments and 
 presents us to death; it is only doctors 
 who can kill a man with impunity. That's 
 what I say ! It is the doctor who accuses 
 instead of being accused; he claims the 
 result of failure in treatment to be due 
 to the previous intemperance of the pa- 
 tient; the patient alone is responsible for 
 dying. 
 
 What profession has poisoned more 
 people and captured more heritages? What 
 profession has carried on more adulteries 
 even within the very gates of the Caesars ?{^) 
 
 Need I speak of medical avariciousness 
 and the onerous conditions they add to our 
 agonies, of the retaining fees they demand 
 to save us from death, of the secret reme- 
 dies they sell us at such exorbitant prices? 
 
 If they treat, for example, a cataract, 
 they prefer to remove but a portion in 
 place of extirpating the whole, in order to 
 again operate thereon when the disease re- 
 turns. From all this professional brigand- 
 age some good seems to have been derived 
 
 I Pliny, without doubt, alludes to Eudemius, 
 physician to Livia, wife of Drusus, and to Valeus 
 Vectius, physician to Messalinus, husband of 
 Claudia. See further notes in ** Annals " of 
 Tacitus. 
 
 in the end by the public, due to the multi- 
 tude of these assassins, for at least what 
 modesty would never have enabled us to 
 obtain. Competition has diminished the 
 price of their remedies and medical ser- 
 vices. But all these facts may be personal, 
 and perhaps we should not impute to the 
 art the ignorance and baseness of that vile 
 crowd of charlatans who practice it, nor 
 the enormous abuse that they make of 
 remedies in treating the sick, nor the hot 
 baths in which the sick parade to obtain 
 health, nor that merciless diet that is 
 ordered with so much authority for those 
 who are perfectly healthy, and those foods 
 poured down the throats of the dying 
 several times each day. They use a thou- 
 sand methods to repair the injuries they 
 themselves do, and return then in their 
 own footsteps. They launch out new sys- 
 tems of diet and for the government of the 
 kitchen; they use perfumes to flatter the 
 sick with the attractions of life. I cer- 
 tainly think our ancestors did not all taste 
 nor use the high-priced drugs imported 
 from abroad, and this Cato, in condemn- 
 ing the healing art, has not apparently 
 foreseen. 
 
 Shall I speak of that theriacum, com- 
 pounded for the rich, that antidote of 
 Mithridates, a confused admixture of fifty- 
 four drugs, each of a different weight, and 
 some in infinitesimal quantity ? It was in 
 order to secure a higher price for their 
 remedies that they so ostentatiously pub- 
 lished their prodigious science — a science 
 of which they were ignorant even in the 
 primary elements. I have acquired the 
 conviction that in their formulae they use 
 the name of a substance for that of a con- 
 trary substance. That is what Cato fore- 
 saw in his rage, and it was that which 
 made the Senate proscribe so insidious a 
 profession for the space of six hundred
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 33 
 
 years, which served to convert even honest 
 doctors into charlatans. The Senate thus 
 combatted in advance the hallucinations of 
 diseased minds that think that nothing is 
 more salutary than the medicine that costs 
 the highest price. The ancients never con- 
 demned the remedies in themselves, but 
 the artists who administered them. They 
 did not desire that the life of men should 
 be put at such a high value that doctors 
 carried off their estates. It is pretended 
 even that when the sect of ^sculapius 
 were admitted to Rome,(^) they built a 
 temple to him outside the city, afterwards 
 on an island; and that, when driven out of 
 Italy, the Greeks, long after the time of 
 Cato, especially the physicians, were pro- 
 scribed. 
 
 My object in making these remarks is 
 only to repeat the work of our forefathers 
 by putting my fellow citizens in a condi- 
 tion to pass by the doctor. C^) 
 
 * * * 
 
 1 In the year 350 of the foundation of Rome, 
 ten deputies, on the advice of the Oracle, went in 
 search of ^sculapius to Epidaurus in order to de- 
 liver their city from the plague. They returned 
 with a serpent that had crawled down from the 
 God's statue ; but on the journey back the snake 
 escaped from the ship, went back to the Tiber, 
 and curled up on an island in that river. This 
 was the place the deputies chose whereon to erect 
 a temple to the God of Medicine, and the plague 
 soon ceased. That is the legend at least. 
 
 Pliny insinuates that the Romans constructed 
 this temple outside the city from fear of the doc- 
 tors ; but the view of Plutarch is more natural. 
 This author says that the Temple of ^Esculapius 
 was, as at Epidaurus, placed in the country in 
 order to give the patients visiting the spot a 
 chance to sleep in a purer air than that found in 
 cities. As to the choice of an island for the con- 
 struction of the Temple, Festus explains by re- 
 marking that the neighborhood of water was re- 
 garded as having a beneficial effect on the sick. 
 
 2 It would be ridiculous to give the innumer- 
 able recipes that this bitter-spirited critic of doc- 
 
 PLINIUS VALERIANUSO (Early 
 writer.) 
 
 On Medicine. 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 During my travels it has often hap- 
 pened that sickness has either attacked one 
 or more of my servants, and thus led me 
 to recognize the poor practice of physi- 
 cians. Some of these doctors sold me 
 cheap remedies at enormously high prices; 
 others, through cupidity, charged for 
 treating a disease of which they knew 
 nothing. Certain ones practiced another 
 variety of stealing; indispositions they 
 could have cured in a few hours or days, 
 they treated for weeks, Q so that the pa- 
 tients became a regular source of revenue 
 and the doctor more to be dreaded than 
 the malady. It has often seemed necessary 
 to collect a number of recipes and arrange 
 a list, to the end of avoiding snares of this 
 kind, and thus be able to miss, while on 
 my travels, with some degree of assurance, 
 the attendance, during indisposition, of 
 those doctors who seek to draw a revenue 
 
 tors wished to substitute for the formulae of those 
 physicians, he abused so unceasingly. It is a 
 medley of absurdities, of old women's remedies, 
 in which superstition and magic are equally com- 
 bined, for be it said to Pliny's reproach, that 
 precisely what he blamed medical men for is 
 found to be exaggerated in himself. He accepted 
 the most silly and fanciful stories as true, and 
 confided in the most fabulous observations with- 
 out verification, and often without understanding 
 what he discussed. 
 
 1 This name is, doubtless, the pseudonym of 
 an author who, under the title of " Re Medica," 
 arranged the remedies indicated by Pliny the 
 Elder in his work consecrated to medicine. 
 
 2 This is a common error and prejudice among 
 people of the present day, who ignorantly place 
 Regular medicine on the same level with charla- 
 tanism.
 
 34 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 from my person and profit on occasions of 
 sickness to enrich themselves. 
 
 * * * 
 
 QUINTILIAN (Celebrated rhetorician, 
 42 to 120 A.D.). 
 
 Declamations. 
 
 THE SICK TWINS — PLOT. 
 
 A pair of twin brothers fall sick. Phy- 
 sicians, being consulted, declare that they 
 suffer from the same malady ; and, as life 
 is in despair, they promise, if allowed to 
 open one of the infants, to cure the other 
 sick one after studying the vivisected babe's 
 entrails. With the consent of the father, 
 one of the twins is cut open and the other, 
 according to medical promise, is cured. 
 The moiher accuses the father of having 
 cruelly treated the dead child. 
 
 The Mother against the Father. — Now, 
 she could not resist his displeasure ; she 
 was inconsolable that a son was lost who 
 might have been saved. She would not be 
 convinced that his malady was mortal, 
 although they might be able to discover 
 within him the means of restoring health to 
 his brother. There was reason in not 
 accusing the old man of cruelty for his 
 child's murder, if the point was made that 
 one was saved, whereas two might have 
 otherwise been slain ; yet a father who 
 kills his son may be said to have lost him, 
 although he might claim consolation from 
 the f 'Ct that he had saved one out of two 
 of his children. But a mother's reasoning 
 is different. She had no faith in the 
 promises of the doctors, and would never 
 have consented to such a cruel operation. 
 The fathrr must seem criminal to all had 
 he slain both his boys, in place of allowing 
 the doctors to select their victim, the which 
 only by chance saved the other. 
 
 What difference that the physicians 
 
 agreed that one child must die for the 
 other, when it was the same disease ? 
 
 The event demonstrated that they were 
 deceived, etc., etc.(^) 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
 Medicine does nothing but flatter us 
 with vain hopes; whether it abandons us 
 to fate or whether it assists us, is an indif- 
 ferent matter. The first created of man- 
 kind were healthy and robust, and never 
 called in the aid of the doctor. 
 
 It is not medicine that cures, but every- 
 thing that cures is called a medicine. Is 
 it not remarkable that the art which it is 
 said was invented for the conservation of 
 life insolently attributes to itself the power 
 of foreseeing the future when it announces 
 our deaths ? 
 
 There is nothing more important to 
 mankind than to build up a hope for life. 
 This is the reason we seek to delay our 
 own funerals. 
 
 * * * 
 
 JUVENAL (Satirical poet, 42 to 125 
 A.D.). 
 
 SATIRE. 
 
 Prgeterea minimus, gelido jam in corpora, san- 
 guis 
 Febre calet sola ; circumsilit agmine facto 
 Morborum omne genus. Quorum si nomina 
 
 quaeris, 
 Promptius expediam quot amaverit Hippia 
 
 maechos, 
 Quot Themison aegros autumno occiderit un®, 
 Quot Basilus socios quot circumscripserit Hirrus 
 Pupillos, quot longa viros exsorbeat uno 
 ATaura die, quot discipulos inclinet Hamillus. 
 
 I This declamation is too long for insertion in 
 a selection of brief extracts. It may be found in 
 full in "Le Mai qu'on a dit des Medecins," where 
 Dr. Witkowski has adapted to the modern 
 French the translation of Du Teil, made in the 
 year 1658.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 35 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 The fever alone gives some heat to the 
 rest of the blood that circulates in his 
 frozen veins. All maladies assail him in a 
 crowd. Were it necessary to give the list, 
 I would as soon count the lovers of Hippia, 
 or enumerate the patients despatched by 
 Themison(') in a single autumn, or the 
 allies despoiled by Basilus, etc., etc. 
 
 MARTIAL (Satirical poet, 43 to 104 
 A.D.). 
 
 AGAINST DOCTOR DIAULUS ^ 
 
 Chirurgus fuerat, nunc est Vespillo Diau- 
 lus ; ccepit quo poterat, clinicus esse tnodo. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Diaulus a surgeon is, and also a digger of 
 
 graves ; 
 In the latter trade he's useful, not many lives he 
 
 saves. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Roch, jadis Medecin, aujourd'hui fossoyeur, 
 Maintenant etend dans la biere 
 Tous ceux qu'il etendait sur un lit de douleur ; 
 C'est bien la, jusqu' au bout, poursuivre son 
 affaire. 
 
 — Arrangement of C. Dubois. 
 
 AGAINST DIAULUS. 
 
 Nuper erat medicus, nunc est Vespillo Diaulus 
 Quod vespillo facit, fecerat et medicus. 
 
 1 Themison, of Laodicea, lived in the times of 
 Pompey, and founded the sect known as Metho- 
 dists — in medicine. Says Juvenal in his loth 
 satire : 
 
 " How many sick in one short autumn fell, 
 Let Themison, their ruthless slayer, tell." 
 
 2 The point of this epigram is impossible to 
 render in translation ; it reposes on the equivalent 
 of the etymology of clmicus, which comes from 
 the Greek word signifying a bed or a bier. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 Diaulus was a physician yesterday; he 
 is a grave-digger to-day ; this is not chang- 
 ing his trade, however, v^') 
 
 AGAINST THE PHYSICIAN SYMMACHUS. 
 
 Languebam ; sed tu comitatus protinus ad me 
 Venisti centum, Symmache, discipulis. 
 Centum me tetigere manus Aquilone gelatse. 
 Non habui febrem, Symmache : nunc habeo. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 I was indisposed; thou soon earnest to 
 mine assistance, Symmachus, accompanied 
 by a hundred of thine disciples. A hun- 
 dred cold hands felt mine body. I had no 
 fever then, Symmachus, but to-day I have. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 I'm sick. I send for Symmachus ; he's here, 
 A hundred students following at his rear. 
 All feel my pulse, with hands as cold as snow. 
 I had no fever then, — I have it now. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Je languissais, docteur, mais tu vins a I'instant ; 
 Je n'avais pas la fievre, et je I'ai maintenant. (*) 
 
 AGAINST DOCTOR HERMOCRATES. 
 
 Lotus nobiscum est hilaris, caenavit et idem ; 
 Inventus mane est mortuus Andragoras. 
 Tam subitse mortis causam, Faustine, requiris? 
 Insomnis medicum viderat Hermocratam. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 He bathed with us, dined too, in humor most gay. 
 Yet this morning found him dead in his bed. 
 
 1 This epigram has been changed to suit the 
 names of different individuals by Maynard, 
 Dubos, Jouquet, Ducereau, Charles Saint Amand, 
 Boileau, Bouriaud, and many others, whose imi- 
 tations need not be inserted in this translation, as 
 all are only poor copies of the original ly 
 Martial. 
 
 2 The French as well as English imitations of 
 this epigram are numerous. The best of the 
 latter is that appearing in the Bristol Medicc- 
 Chirurgical Journal, 1888.
 
 36 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 You ask me, Faustinus, what called him away? 
 Why, he saw, in his dreams, Hermocrates, 'tis 
 said, 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Hill, bien portant et gai, nous fit visite hier, 
 Et mort on I'a trouve dans son lit ce matin. 
 Tu veux savoir pourquoi cette morte si subite ? 
 Le malheureux en songe a vu son medecin. 
 
 (French adaptation of Pommereul.) 
 
 AGAINST CHARIDEMES. 
 
 Uxorem, Charideme, tuam scis ipse, sinisque 
 A medico futui ; vis sine febre mori. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 Thine physician is the declared lover of 
 thine wife ; thou art not ignorant of the 
 fact, Charideme, and thou allowest it. 
 Thou wilt die without even having a 
 fever. (') 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 When a doctor's wanting. 
 
 Go ask your wife ; 
 She will advise you, 
 
 'Twill cost your life. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Le jeune medecin Fleurant 
 
 Devient tous les jours a la mode. 
 
 Pour les maris il est tres complaisant, 
 Et pour les femmes tres commode. 
 
 (Adaptation of La Touche.) 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 A young doctor visits too often your house. 
 
 And no jealousy wakens thereby. 
 When you are sick he'll be called in by your 
 spouse, 
 And, without any fever, you'll die. 
 
 (Adaptation from Pommereul.) 
 
 AGAINST A BAD DOCTOR. 
 
 Hoplomachus nunc es ; fueras ophthalmicus ante ; 
 Fecisti medicus, quod facis hoplomachus. 
 
 I That is to say, he will be poisoned, al- 
 though some commentators draw a different sig- 
 nification. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 You are an oculist ; you were a gladi- 
 ator : the sword or the bistoury answers 
 the same purpose in your hand. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The wicked Doctor Clitanders, 
 Once slaying was his mission 
 
 As a soldier out in Flanders ; 
 In France, he's a physician. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Jadis gladiateur, anjourdhui medecin, 
 Rufus n'a pas quitte son metier d'assassin. 
 
 UPON HIPPOCRATES. 
 
 Santonica medicata dedit mihi pocula virga, 
 Os hominis ! mulsum me rogat Hippocrates. 
 Tam stupidus, nunquam nee tu, puto, Glauce, 
 
 fuisti, 
 Chalcea donanti. Chrysea qui dederas. 
 Dulce aliquis munus pro munere poscit amaro? 
 Accipiat, sed si potat in elleboro. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 Hippocrates has given me a potion 
 poisoned with the santonin herb. The 
 impertinent fellow ! He asks in exchange 
 honey wine. Thou wert never so stupid, 
 Glaucus, when, for the arms of gold given 
 thee, thou gavest back arms of brass. To 
 demand a sweet favor for a bitter present ! 
 I have consented, however, on condition 
 he drinks my wine in a mixture of helle- 
 bore. 
 
 UPON HERODES. 
 
 Clinicus Herodes trullam subduxerat aegro; 
 Deprensus dixit: Stulte, quid ergo bibis ? 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 The physician Herodes had stolen the 
 goblet of one of his patients ; caught in the 
 very act he said to the sick man : ** Fool! 
 would you drink out of that without my 
 prescription ? "
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 37 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 A doctor stole a silver cup, 
 
 But, detected on the spot, 
 Said, " Patient, from this do not sup ! 
 
 Or death will be your lot." 
 
 UPON A MAD PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Invasit medicus sica phreneticus Eucli, 
 Et praecidit Hylan. Hie, puto, sanus erat. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 A physician in an excess of frenzy 
 seized Hylas, the favorite of Euclius, and 
 
 committed a wrongful act. 
 patient was cured. 
 
 I imagine the 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The great Doctor Bcerhaave treated 
 
 Signor Saint Far, suspected of folly. 
 The doctor's wife, 'tis repeated, 
 
 Was pretty, loving, and jolly. 
 Saint Far was handsome and pleasing — 
 
 The doctor a dried-up old stick. 
 Saint Far's complaint kept easing. 
 
 Soon, he was no longer sick. 
 
 (Adaptation from E. T. Simon.) 
 
 AGAINST THE PHYSICIAN CARUS. 
 
 Nequius a Caro nihil unquam, Maxime, factum 
 
 est, 
 Quam quod febre perit ; fecit et ilia nefas. 
 Sseva nocens febris saltem quartana fuisset ! 
 Servari medico debuit ilia suo. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 An acute continued fever killed Carus, 
 O Maximus ! What misfortune ! Cruel 
 Fever ! Ah ! had the fever been quartan 
 Carus would not have called a pliysician. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Carus est mort, Maxime; une fievre inhumaine 
 Nous I'a ravi dans moins d'une huitaine. 
 Pauvre Carus ! de grand coeur je te j)lains. 
 Ah I si ta fievre tierce avait ete quartaine, 
 Tu t'en disais le medecin 
 Et tu ne serais mort du moins que de ta main. 
 
 (Adaptation of C. Dubois.) 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The druggist, Bastien Legrow, 
 
 Died of a fever violent ; 
 Had his type of disease been slow 
 
 He'd never for a doctor sent. 
 
 * * ^ 
 
 TACITUS (Latin historian, born in the 
 year 50 A.D.) 
 
 Annals, 
 
 THE POISONING OF DRUSUS, HUSBAND 
 OF LIVIA. 
 
 Sejan plotted with Eudemus, friend 
 and family physician of Livia, and the 
 latter under cover of his medical profes- 
 sion often saw Livia in secret. (^) He had 
 by his wife Apicata three children, her 
 he repudiated, so that there should be no 
 female rivals for his favors. This Eudemus 
 made known many secret remedies that 
 appeared useful to his medical art.Q 
 
 POISONING OF CLAUDIUS. 
 
 The historians of that epoch have report- 
 ed many things that time has since served 
 to clear up ; it is said that the Prince was 
 fed poisonous mushrooms, that truly de- 
 licious food, and that the Prince perceived 
 not the toxic effects, either through stupid- 
 ity or from drunkenness; besides, sudden 
 enervation bid fair to have saved him, but 
 at this juncture Agrippina, seized with 
 affright lest he should live, sought her phy- 
 sician, Xenophon, to whom she had con- 
 fided her secret. The latter, under pre- 
 text of aiding the Prince to vomit, pushed 
 a feather down the throat of Claudius, and 
 
 1 Some authors have concluded from this 
 passage that Eudemus was Livia's lover, as Vec- 
 tius Valens was the admirer of Messalina. 
 
 2 The crime was discovered eight years after- 
 wards, and Eudemus was tortured to death.
 
 38 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 this feather was impregnated with a subtile 
 poison, for the doctor was not ignorant of 
 the fact that risks are always taken in the 
 commission of great crimes. (^) 
 
 * * * 
 SUETONIUS (Latin historian, satirist 
 
 of the Caesars, 65 A.D.) 
 
 History of the Twelve Ccesars. 
 
 NERO. 
 
 The death of his aunt almost followed 
 the murder of Agrippina. She was ill with 
 a disease of the entrails ; he went to see 
 her, and this woman, already well ad 
 vanced in years, touched his beard as 
 though to caress him. He said: "When 
 this beard falls out I will die." He made 
 the remark as if in pleasantry, to amuse 
 those around him, then went out and 
 ordered the physician to purge her vio- 
 lently. 
 
 It was thus he destroyed, under all 
 sorts of pretexts, those whom he desired to 
 put out of the way. To those condemned 
 to death he gave a single hour for prepara- 
 tion, and in those cases where he was 
 forced to delay action he always sent a phy- 
 sician in charge. According to his expres- 
 sion, such persons needed to have their 
 veins opened. 
 
 * * * 
 
 PETRONIUS (Elegant but obscure 
 Latin writer, 66 A.D.). 
 
 SATIRES. 
 
 What do they say, that Chrvsanthius did 
 not observe a severe diet ? For five days 
 
 I Caius Stertinius Xenophon, to us, seems 
 perfectly innocent of the death of Claudius. He 
 did his medical duty in seeking to produce vomit- 
 ing by tickling the throat with a feather, in order 
 
 not a drop of water nor a morsel of bread 
 entered his mouth; in the meantime, he 
 has left us. But he had too many doctors, 
 or, rather, he succumbed to his bad Des- 
 tiny ; for, after all, a physician can only 
 assist the spirit — to depart. 
 
 ** Excuse me, my friends," said he; 
 " for several days my belly has not prop- 
 erly performed its functions, and physi- 
 cians know nothing. Meantime, I have 
 received relief from an infusion of pome- 
 granate bark and spruce in vinegar. I 
 trust, nevertheless, that the storm rumbling 
 in my entrails will blow over and calm 
 down; otherwise, my stomach will resound 
 again with a noise similar to that made by 
 a roaring bull. If, indeed, others of you 
 felt the same imperative call of nature, you 
 would do wrong to restrain it, for no one 
 is exempt from such infirmities. For my- 
 self, I deem any one foolish to prevent a 
 healthful operation. (^) Jupiter himself 
 would not forbid the defecating act. You 
 laugh, Fortunatus — you whose noisy deto- 
 nations prevent me from closing my eyes 
 in gentle sleep at nights. Never have I 
 prevented any of my convivial companions 
 to even take at table all the liberties 
 allowed the calls of nature when desired. 
 Physicians advise that the constipating 
 act should ever be avoided. 
 
 to relieve the stomach from the poison. This 
 accusation seems less founded since Claudius held 
 his physician in high esteem, and in his honor 
 obliged the Senate to promulgate an edict to per- 
 petually exempt all the inhabitants of the Isle of 
 Cos Irom taxes, as Cos was a celebrated birthplace 
 of doctors. 
 
 I Suetonius relates that the Emperor Claudius 
 defecated at his table, because he had understood 
 that one of his rollicking guests was uncomfort- 
 able in his retention. This striking example 
 of antique politeness on part of the host has, 
 fortunately, never been repeated in modern 
 society.
 
 The Evil that has been- said of Doctors. 
 
 39 
 
 What is, according to yourself, the 
 most difficult professions of all, after that 
 of literature ? To me, it seems to be that 
 of medicine and banking ; in fact, the 
 banker, in running over silver money, must 
 be able to know the copper alloy ; the 
 [)hysician must know what a man has in 
 his entrails, and when his fever is about to 
 declare itself. I hate these doctors, how- 
 ever, who too often prescribe ^.MzViguackl) 
 soup. (') 
 
 QUINTIUS CURTIUS (Latin histo- 
 rian, 2d century A.D.). 
 
 History of Alexander the Great. 
 
 ARISTOTLE SUSPECTED OF HAVING POISONED 
 ALEXANDER. 
 
 Towards the end of his Hfe, the heart 
 of Alexander, drunken with arrogant con- 
 ceit, commenced to disdain its ancient 
 master, Aristotle. Since the death of 
 Callisthenes he thought the latter his en- 
 emy, and believed what he heard from 
 motives of vengeance rather than through 
 wisdom — that the historian declaimed 
 against him in his school ; and Alexander 
 imagined that Aristotle thought himself all 
 the world in point of human grandeur. 
 This was shortly before his death. As 
 Cassander defended him of the accusations 
 he had heard, the King exclaimed: "Thou 
 hast come armed with all the subtilty of 
 Aristotle, in order to oppose deceitful 
 quibbles to just complaints." Then he 
 threatened both with the most terrible 
 punishment if he discovered the stories to 
 be true as reported. The face of Alex- 
 
 1 The ducks cry ^^ quack !^^ as used in ancient 
 satire, is not uncommon. '■'■Duck soup,'''' or, in 
 French, bouillon de canard, readily finds a Latin 
 equivalent in the older classics. 
 
 ander had such an angry aspect as he 
 made his menace, that long after he died 
 Cassander, who had become ruler of 
 Greece, having by chance glanced at the 
 statue of Alexander placed in the Temple 
 of Delphos, remembering the danger he 
 had once incurred, trembled m every 
 limb. This circumstance led some to be- 
 lieve that Aristotle was guilty of finishing 
 up Alexander by foul methods, and he was 
 openly accused of having hidden poison 
 in a horse's hoof and sent the same to 
 Babylon in order to kill Alexander the 
 Great. (0 
 
 THE PHYSICIAN PHILIP IS ACCUSED BY PAR- 
 
 MENION OF WISHING TO POISON 
 
 THE KING. 
 
 The King, covered by dust and sweat, 
 was led to bathe his sore and wearied feet, 
 charmed by the beauties of the waters of 
 the River Cydnus. His feet had no sooner 
 been placed in the stream, however, than 
 his limbs, seized with a sudden trembling, 
 commenced to stiffen painfully. Soon a 
 paleness overspread his whole frame, and 
 the warmth of life appeared to have en- 
 tirely abandoned him. He was in an 
 unconscious condition and near death 
 when his henchmen removed him to an 
 adjoining tent. Soon his respiration be- 
 came freer, and the King opened his eyes. 
 He had his personal friends and physicians 
 summoned. "You see," said he, "in 
 what condition my misfortune has brought 
 me, and I am surprised at this sudden 
 attack. Darius has written me a superb 
 letter, but all in vain, if I be not cared for 
 according to my own will and judgment. 
 Circumstances in my case will not permit 
 either slow remedies or timid physicians ; 
 
 I Littre has conclusively proved that the 
 death of Alexander must be attributed, not to 
 poison, but to an attack of intermittent fever.
 
 40 
 
 The Evil that has 'been said of Doctors. 
 
 better is it that I die promptly than have a 
 lengthy illness. If there is, then, any 
 remedy in medical art, 'tis that I seek — 
 less to save my life, however, than to pre- 
 serve my honor that is engaged to carry 
 on this war." 
 
 Among the physicians, the more skillful 
 present was Philip, an Acarnian by birth, 
 who had come from Macedonia with the 
 King and who appeared to be a faithfully 
 devoted medical man. Attached to His 
 Majesty from the time of his infancy and 
 charged with the task of attending to the 
 King's health, he not only was supposed 
 to love his master, but in his conduct 
 towards him was as a devoted nurse full of 
 loyal tenderness. This physician promised 
 a remedy that would not be violent, but at 
 the same time active ; with a simple potion 
 he promised to cause an abatement of the 
 disease. This proposition was acceptable 
 to those who did not care to run any risks. 
 It was to relieve the suffering rather than 
 retard the malady. Arms and combats 
 were before the King's eyes ; he believed 
 himself assured of victory, if he could only 
 show himself at the head of his army ; the 
 three days' time during which he was to 
 take the potion (ordered by the physician) 
 were, however, too long to satisfy his royal 
 impatience. Upon his entreaties, he re- 
 ceived a letter from Parmenion, the most 
 devoted of his courtiers, who warned him 
 not to confide the care of his case to the 
 physician Philip, as the latter was in the 
 ])ay of Darius and had been bribed with 
 the promise of a thousand talents and the 
 hand of his sister. 
 
 This letter threw the King into a state 
 of great perplexity; he was trustful and 
 hopeful on one side, and filled with doubt 
 and fear on the other, and, these ideas 
 passed and repassed through his bewildered 
 mind. ' ' Shall I persist in taking this 
 
 potion and be poisoned?" he asked him- 
 self. *' Shall I permit injury to myself and 
 acknowledge that my own imprudence has 
 merited the result? Shall I condemn in 
 advance the fidelity of my physician and 
 await the attacks of the enemy in my own 
 tent? No! better, is it to perish by the 
 crime of another than to die from fear." 
 Thus he continued in sad mental uncer- 
 tainty; then, not telling any person of the 
 letter, he sealed the missive and placed it 
 under his pillow. 
 
 Two days passed in these reflections, 
 and the time that the physician had set 
 was at hand. Philip entered with his cup 
 and prepared the final potion. On his 
 entrance Alexander raised himself on his 
 elbow and extended his right hand holding 
 the letter from Parmenion; he then sat 
 upright, and with his left hand took the 
 cup and fearlessly swallowed the potion ; 
 after which he ordered Philip to read the 
 epistle, never removing his eyes from the 
 physician's face for a single instant, in the 
 hope of recognizing some indications of 
 what passed in Philip's conscience. But, 
 the physician, having perused the letter, 
 showed more indications of indignation 
 than fear, and throwing the letter and his 
 cloak at the foot of the couch, said : 
 " My King, mine life has always depended 
 on thine, but it is to-day truly and sacred- 
 ly a part of thine own existence. This 
 accusation of murder charged against me 
 olmost destroys thine chances of recovery. 
 Saved by me thou grantest me life. I now 
 supplicate and conjure thee to banish all 
 fear, and permit the potion to enter all 
 thine veins. Give thine mind a rest ; thou 
 hast faithful friends, but they are indiscreet 
 in their zeal, and are troubled by morbid 
 terrors." 
 
 These words reassured the King, filling 
 him with joy and hope. Addressing
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 41 
 
 Philip, he said: ''If the Gods had given 
 thee for choice the best method of experi- 
 encing mine feelings, without doubt thou 
 could'st not have a greater happiness, but 
 thou can'st not conceive what have been 
 mine thoughts. I have received this letter, 
 and have taken the medicine prepared by 
 thine own hands ; now, believe me, if any 
 uneasiness remains, it is more on account 
 of this insult to thine honor, than for an 
 anxiety for life." Having thus spoken, 
 he extended his right hand to Philip and 
 clasped it fervently. Now, the effect of 
 the medicine was so powerful, that its very 
 first action seemed to confirm the accusa- 
 tion made by Parmenion, but when the 
 effects of the potion spread through the 
 King's veins, and all his body experienced 
 its salutary influence, hope resumed its 
 vigor, and soon the body, with a surprising 
 promptitude renewed its pristine strength. 
 Three days after this crisis, the King again 
 rode at the head of his army. 
 
 ALEXANDER PUTS THE PHYSICIAN OF HIS 
 FAVORITE, EPHESTION, TO DEATH. 
 
 From thence the King came to Ecban- 
 tana in order to shape some affairs in his 
 Empire; here, he made festivals and sacri- 
 fices as well as pleasing spectacles ; during 
 the latter, Ephestion, whom he loved as a 
 brother, died of a fever, and his loss so 
 greatly grieved the King, that in the anger 
 of his affliction he did many things un- 
 worthy of a wise monarch, for, it is said, 
 he crucified the physician Glaucus (') who 
 had treated his friend Ephestion, and 
 
 I These examples of cruelty were not rare 
 during the ancient monarchies, and we can recall 
 a certain number without difficulty. Manus was 
 burned alive for permitting the son of the King 
 of Persia to die. Haroun al Rashid ordered Ga- 
 briel Baktichua to be executed because he had the 
 awkwardness to reveal the danger of his position ; 
 
 thought the death of the latter had been 
 due to the doctor, and not to the ravages 
 of the disease. 
 
 THE PHYSICIAN CALLISTHENES IS CON- 
 DEMNED TO DEATH FOR HAVING TAKEN 
 PART IN THE CONSPIRACY CON- 
 TRIVED BY HERMOLAUS. 
 
 "For thee, Callisthenes, Hermolaus, 
 who, alone, found in thee a man, because 
 he found an unprincipled wretch, I know 
 full well why thou wouldst have him called. 
 Thou wouldst smile to hear him in the face 
 
 this physician only owed his safety to the death of 
 the tyrant. Gabriel Zerbi was unable to cure a 
 Pasha in Bulgaria, and was sawed in two by order 
 of the son of the deceased. Avicenna was a long 
 time in prison for a similar offense. Queen Austri- 
 gilde, wife of King Gontran, asked as a dying re- 
 quest, and obtained the promise from her husband, 
 that the two physicians who attended her in this 
 last ailment should be killed and buried with 
 her remains. Alexander the Great, put Callis- 
 thenes to death with tortures, for conspiring 
 against him, along with Ptolemy Philadelphus, 
 Amyntas de Rhodes, and Cineas. Eudemus was 
 accused of having poisoned Drusus and turned 
 over to the hangman. Vectius Valens, the lover 
 of Messalina, wife of Claudius met a similar fate. 
 Louis XI. was not very tender with his doctors; 
 he maltreated those who, after one of his fainting 
 spells, withdrew from the window where he re- 
 clined; and punished the physician of his father, 
 Charles VII., for obliging him to eat during his 
 illness. We know by what cunning subterfuge 
 his own doctor, Jacques Coictier, avoided the 
 cruelties of his royal master, by persuading the 
 King that the stars read that he would die eight 
 days after the death of his medical attendant, 
 the aforesaid Jacques Coictier. Pierre Louis was 
 much less fortunate. He read in the stars that he 
 was going to be drowned, and left Venice, where 
 he was residing, for Florence, where the river was 
 very shallow ; he there treated the Grand Duke 
 Laurent de Medicis, and promised his son that 
 the father should be cured, but, contrary to his 
 opinion, the Prince suddenly died, and his son, 
 the new Duke, threw the doctor into a deep well, 
 in order to fulfil the prophecy of the stars.
 
 42 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 of this assemblage repeat with his mouth 
 those injuries and insults thou so lavishly 
 wasted on me at all times. If he were a 
 Macedonian I might have permitted him to 
 appear with thee as a master worthy of his 
 pupil, but he is Olynthian, and cannot en- 
 joy the same privileges." 
 
 After this discourse, Alexander bade 
 the assemblage farewell, and ordered that 
 the condemned should be put in their com- 
 rade's hands for punishment ; the latter, in 
 order to testify loyalty to their sovereign, 
 caused the death of their victim with the 
 most cruel tortures. Callisthenes died in 
 the most horrible agonies, although he was a 
 stranger to the plot hatched against the 
 King, but his character was so honest that 
 he was not adapted to the flatteries and 
 deceits of Court life. No murder so much 
 excited the hatred of the Greeks, as that 
 of Callisthenes; they were very angry 
 with Alexander. To them the victim was 
 a philosopher of austere morals and rare 
 knowledge, a physician who could call the 
 dead back to life ; and that such a man 
 had been forced to submit to tortures with- 
 out ever having been granted a trial, was 
 considered an atrocious piece of cruelty. 
 It is true that, later, Alexander repented 
 his hasty action. 
 
 * 
 APULEIUS (Latin writer, 114 to 180 
 A.D.) 
 
 RUSE EMPLOYED BY A WOMAN TO RID HER- 
 SELF OF A DOCTOR WHOM SHE HAD 
 INDUCED TO POISON HER HUSBAND. 
 
 But the brother was so indignant at the 
 tragical and unjust end of his sister that he 
 became unable to support his melancholy. 
 A deep chagrin possessed him ; his 
 bile became heated, he fell into a profound 
 delirium, followed by a burning fever, to 
 
 such an extent that it became necessary to 
 attend him in turn. His wife, who had, 
 in leality, not merited the name of spouse 
 for a long time on account of not being 
 faithful, went in search of a notorious 
 doctor, already famous for his amorous ex- 
 ploits and of the trophies gathered by an 
 assassin's hand. She promised this physi- 
 cian fifty thousand sesterces if he would 
 sell her a subtile poison; and she thus 
 bought the death of her husband. The 
 bargain being completed, they agreed to 
 cool the sick man's entrails by purging 
 him of bile, and had recourse to that 
 poison par excellence that the Ancients call 
 the "sacred potion." Then in its place 
 they substituted another that was not 
 sacred, only for the greater glory of Pros- 
 perine. 
 
 The friends and relatives of the family 
 were at the patient's bedside when the 
 physician arrived and presented the sick 
 man with his potion. But the audacious 
 woman, wishing to rid herself of her ac- 
 complice in crime and not pay him the 
 money she had promised, seized the cup 
 from the doctor's hand, and, before all 
 present, exclaimed: **No! most illustrious 
 physician, you shall not make my dear 
 husband drink this potion until you have 
 yourself swallowed one-half, for I am 
 afraid that you intend to poison him. You 
 know full well that this precaution need 
 give no offense to a person so well instruct- 
 ed and educated in medicine as yourself. 
 Is it not natural that a devoted wife like I 
 should surround her husband by all the 
 tender watchfulness and solicitude that I, 
 in gratitude, owe him ? " 
 
 This strange and unlooked-for out- 
 break on the part of the wife in the 
 presence of so many witnesses so em- 
 barrassed and dumfounded the doctor 
 that, from the very fear of being deemed
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors, 
 
 43 
 
 guilty of the charge of poisoning, he swal- 
 lowed a large portion of the potion. The 
 grateful husband, taking the goblet, in turn 
 swallowed what remained. 
 
 The wife's attempt being consummated, 
 the physician desired to regain his own 
 home in order to secure an antidote to 
 neutralize the powerful effects of the poi- 
 son he had taken. But the horrible wretch 
 of a wife would not permit him to leave 
 the room. "We will wait," said she, 
 ** until the potion has entered my dear 
 husband's veins, in order to see the salu- 
 tary effects of your medicine, doctor ! " 
 And it was only when in acute pain and 
 wearied by his incessant pleadings that 
 she finally permitted the physician to leave 
 the house. 
 
 During the time of his stay, how- 
 ever, the poison had entered his system 
 and secretly penetrated all portions of the 
 unfortunate body. Already very ill and 
 plunged into a state of drowsiness, he only 
 arrived at his house after great effort. He 
 told his wife his story and recommended 
 her to claim at least the recompense due 
 him for their double crime. Shortly, from 
 the violence of the toxic drug, the very 
 virtuous and over-obliging disciple of ^s- 
 culapius breathed his last sigh. The hus- 
 band who had been poisoned lived a little 
 longer, but soon he too was gathered to 
 his fathers amid the hypocritical tears and 
 deceitful lamentations of his wife, who had 
 finished him in so tragic a manner. After 
 the latter had been entombed for several 
 days, during which time the widow clothed 
 herself in deepest mourning, the physi- 
 cian's wife presented herself to claim the 
 price of the double death; the latter widow 
 seemed to be as cheerful as the former, 
 and was greeted with every evidence of 
 affection. The widow of the poisoned man 
 promised to pay the doctor's wife without 
 
 delay, if she would bring her a little more 
 of the poison made by her medical hus- 
 band ; to this proposition the doctor's wife 
 readily consented, and returned with a 
 large box of the drug. The wicked wife, 
 of the first part, now proceeded to poison 
 everybody around her, and one day invited 
 the physician's widow and daughter to 
 dinner and killed them both with the 
 wicked physician's own medicine. 
 
 * >}. * 
 
 AULUS GELLIUS (Roman gram- 
 marian, 130 A.D.). 
 
 NOCTES ATTICiE. 
 
 I had retired during the heat of sum- 
 mer to Cephisus, near Athens, in the coun- 
 try house of Herod, an illustrious person, 
 whose place abounded in springs, and 
 woodland with shade; there I was over- 
 come with a diarrhcea and violent fever 
 that forced me to take to my couch. The 
 philosopher Calvisius Taurus, accompanied 
 by several of his disciples, came from 
 Athens to see me. I had then near my 
 bedside a country doctor of the place, who 
 endeavored to explain to Taurus the nature 
 of my disease and the character of the 
 fever. While talking, he remarked to 
 Taurus: ''You can see our patient is 
 better, and judge of his condition by feel- 
 ing his veiny This ignorance of language, 
 confounding vein with artery^ made the 
 rural practitioner appear ridiculous to those 
 present with Taurus, and their whispers 
 and faces betrayed their thoughts. 
 
 Then Taurus, with his habitual kind- 
 ness and gentleness, said quietly: "We 
 know, my good man, that thou art not ig- 
 norant that this is a vein and the others 
 only arteries : veins are never movable and 
 are used only to draw up the blood; 
 arteries, by their pulsations, indicate the
 
 44 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 nature and force of fevers; and notice 
 that thou hast expressed thineself rather to 
 conform to vulgar language than from real 
 ignorance. Thou art not the first physician 
 who hath taken the vein for the artery. 
 This is well ; for the rest, show thineself to 
 be more exact in practice than in lan- 
 guage, and, with the assistance of the 
 Gods, give us back our friend healthy and 
 sound as soon as possible. " 
 
 * ^i. * 
 JULIUS CAPITOLINUS (Latin 
 
 writer, fourth century, A.D.) 
 
 LIFE OF MARC ANTONY. 
 
 Not even a Prince is exempt from the 
 attacks of scandal. Thus, it has been said 
 that Marc Antony poisoned Verus him- 
 self; he cut a piece of sow's paunch with 
 a poisoned knife and offered his brother 
 the infected portion, keeping for himself 
 the piece which was harmless ; this was 
 what killed Doctor Posidippius, who, they 
 claimed, bled Lucius Verus at the wrong 
 time. 
 
 * * * 
 AUSONIUS (Latin poet, 309 to 394 
 
 A.D.).0 • 
 
 EPIGRAM AGAINST THE PHYSICIAN 
 ALCON. 
 
 Languenti Marco dixit Diodorus haruspex, 
 Ad vitam non plus sex superesse dies. 
 Sed medicus divis satisque potentior Alcon 
 Falsum convicit illico haruspicium, 
 Tractavit que manum victuri, ni tetigisset, 
 Illico nam Marco sex periere dies. 
 
 I For epigrams imitated from Nicarque, see 
 preceding foot-notes. Montaigne, who never let 
 the occasion pass when he could insult doctors, as 
 he accused them of having killed his bosom 
 friend, Etienne de la Boetie, cites this epigram in 
 a eulogy in his — so-called — *' Essays." 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 The aurispice Diodorus said to Marcus, 
 when sickness had wasted strength, that he 
 had only six more days to live. But the 
 physician Alcon, more powerful in shaping 
 human destiny than the Gods, convinced 
 Diodorus that he had been deceived ; he 
 felt the sick man's pulse — that might have 
 kept on beating if the physician had not 
 touched it — and in an instant Marcus lost 
 the six days promised him by Diodorus. 
 
 AGAINST THE PHYSICIAN EUNOMUS. (') 
 
 Languentem Cajum, moriturum dixerat olim 
 
 Eunomus, Evasit fati ope, non medici. 
 
 Paulo post ipsum videt, aut videsse putavit 
 
 Pallentem, et multa mortis in effigie. 
 
 Quistu? Cajus, ait. Vivisne ? Hie abnuit. At 
 
 quid 
 Nunc agis hie ? Jussus Ditis, ait, venio. 
 Ut quia notitiam rerumque hominumque tenerem, 
 Accirem medicos. Eunomus obriguit. Turn 
 
 Cajus : 
 Metuas nihil, Eunome, Dico ego et omnes, 
 Nullum qui saperet, dicere te medicum. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 Eunomus one day said that Cajus, his 
 patient, would not recover. However, the 
 sick man did not die from the disease, 
 more thanks be to the Gods than the 
 skill of the doctor. Meeting his patient 
 a few days later, the physician thought 
 him a ghost, and exclaimed: "Who 
 art thou?" Responded Cajus: *'I am 
 thy former client." ''What! " exclaimed 
 the doctor, in affright, "and thou still 
 livest?" Cajus answered : "No; I come 
 on a mission from Pluto to search for 
 some physicians to take to realms be- 
 low." At these words Eunomus became 
 as cold as ice and shivered, when Cajus 
 
 I This is a mere imitation of Babrius. See the 
 fable of "The Ignorant Doctor," on a preceding 
 page.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 45 
 
 continued: *' Be not afraid, so far as con- 
 cerns thineself, for there are no persons on 
 earth so fooHsh as to consider thee a doc- 
 tor." 
 
 AGAINST ALCON, A POOR DOCTOR. 
 
 Alcon hesterno signum Jovis attigit ; ille, 
 Quamvis marmoreus, vim patitur medici, 
 Ecce hodie jussus transferri ex aede vetusta ; 
 Effertur,(*) quamvis sit Deus, atque lapis. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 Alcon yesterday touched the statue of 
 Jupiter and all the marble in the God ex- 
 perienced the virtue of the medicine. That 
 is why he is carried out of the Temple feet 
 foremost to-day, although he is a God and 
 a marble God at that. 
 
 EUNAPIUS (Physician and historian, 
 4th century A.D.). 
 
 Life of Froceresius. 
 
 A PHYSICIAN, NEVER KNOWN TO CURE A 
 PATIENT, HAS ONE SUCCESS- 
 FUL CASE. 
 
 I had fallen ill at the Port of Pyreus, 
 and was reduced to such a pitiable condi- 
 tion by fatigue and the sea voyage, that no 
 signs of life were manifest in me. Then it 
 was that the physician ^schines, whom 
 chance had cast in our way, was called in 
 by my friends and promised them my speedy 
 cure. Nevertheless, he was known as a 
 doctor, who not only had killed every pa- 
 tient that he had ever medicated, but some 
 had even died at his mere appearance. 
 My friends permitted this man to violently 
 
 I The play upon word's is here evident in the 
 word effertiir, as efferre signifies to to turn into 
 earth (dust). 
 
 force a remedy into my mouth that he had 
 compounded ; and no sooner had I swal- 
 lowed the same — as my acquaintances 
 present affirm — than I recovered speech 
 and sight and distinguished those at my 
 bedside. It was thus that ^schines washed 
 away the memory of his many failures and 
 ignorance as to the healing art, by this 
 unique cure; and, after passing for a 
 Divinity in the city of Athens, he went to 
 the Isle of Scio, his own birthplace, where, 
 ever after, he was considered as one of the 
 greatest physicians of his age. 
 
 * * * 
 PRUDENCE AURELIUS (Latin 
 
 writer, 348 A.D.). 
 
 AGAINST SURGEONS. 
 
 Horretis omnes hasce carnificum manus; 
 Num meliores sunt manus medentium, 
 Laniena quando saevit Hipocratica ? 
 Vivum secatur viscus et recens cruor 
 Scalpella tingit, dum'putredo abraditur. 
 
 PROSE IMITATION. 
 
 You recoil in horror before the hands 
 of the executioner. Do these doctors love 
 you better when, as ^sculapian butchers, 
 they commence their tortures? They cut 
 into the palpitating flesh ; the warm blood 
 stains their scalpel when the gangrenous 
 part is removed. 
 
 * * * 
 SIDONIUS APOLLINARIS (430 
 
 to 489 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 It was Sidonius Apollinaris who in- 
 dulged in the following ban mot : "An 
 unskillful and industrious physician always 
 kills his patients very officiously."
 
 46 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 MODERN LATIN AUTHORS. 
 
 EGINHARD (French historian, 772 to 
 844 A.D.). 
 
 LIFE OF THE EMPEROR CHARLEMAGNE. 
 
 His health was always good, except for 
 the last four years preceding his death. 
 He had about that period frequent attacks 
 of fever, and became crippled in one foot. 
 During his times of suffering, he humored 
 his own whims rather than followed the 
 advice of his physicians, whom he consid- 
 ered odious because they forbade him roast 
 meats, to which he was accustomed, and 
 endeavored to restrain him to eat only 
 boiled animal foods. (^) 
 
 RICHER (Early Latin historian, born 
 about 970 A.D.). 
 
 History of my Times. 
 
 HOW DEROLD WAS DECEIVED BY A DOCTOR, 
 
 AND IN TURN TRAPPED THE 
 
 PHYSICIAN. 
 
 In those days died Derold, Bishop of 
 Amiens, a man of great influence at the 
 Palace and closely attached, by bonds of 
 friendship, to the King. Derold was a 
 most skillful practitioner of the medical 
 art, and the story is told that, during the 
 time he lived at the Court, he foiled and 
 and entrapped a certain doctor from 
 
 I The horror Charlemagne had for physicians 
 prevented the calling in of medical aid in his last 
 illness, and he died of pleurisy, which he only 
 endeavored to counteract by a very strict diet. 
 
 Salerno. Both the medical Bishop and 
 Salerno physician were regarded as being 
 educated as healers, but, to the King's 
 mind, the Bishop was the best doctor of 
 the two. The Queen, on the contrary, 
 favored the Salerno man, deeming him 
 more skillful. The King, by artifice, soon 
 knew which one was best initiated in the 
 secrets of medicine. He made them come 
 often to his table, not telling them of his 
 project, and proposed frequent questions, 
 to which each could answer as he deemed 
 best. 
 
 Derold was thoroughly versed in belles- 
 lettres, and always decided his questions in 
 a satisfactory manner. The Salerno man, 
 although illiterate on many questions, had, 
 however, a natural quick-witted brightness, 
 acquired from long experience with the 
 world. 
 
 The two disputants came together at 
 the Royal table each day, by order of the 
 Prince. One evening the discussion was 
 on dynamics, thence into pharmacy, then 
 to surgery, and finally into botany. The 
 Salerno man was at sea and could not fully 
 comprehend the conversation, but did the 
 best thing under all circumstances, namely, 
 maintained a discreet silence ; but he con- 
 ceived at the same moment a profound 
 feeling of envy and hatred towards Derold, 
 and resolved to poison the Bishop. 
 
 While feigning the greatest amity for 
 the latter, the doctor placed a virulent 
 agent under the ring-finger nail, and, as 
 they were at table together, introduced the 
 poison into the pepper sauce that he and
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 47 
 
 Derold were in the habit of using. De- 
 rold, having taken some of the sauce, felt 
 the poison insinuating itself in his veins, 
 and became faint; but, his servants carrying 
 him home, he used an antidote, thereby 
 neutralizing the effects of the drug, and 
 three days later presented himself at the 
 King's table as usual. 
 
 When asked what ailed him, he coolly 
 replied that he had a slight rheumatic 
 fever, never indicating that he had any 
 other affection. 
 
 His enemy never had the least sus- 
 picion that Derold had discovered the 
 attempt on his life. Soon the assembled 
 company again became convivial, and De- 
 rold, in his turn, holding some poison 
 between his index and little fingers, 
 sprinkled it over the meat the Salerno 
 doctor was eating. The poison soon 
 spread and infiltrated through the latter's 
 veins and destroyed his vital heat, and the 
 victim was carried home by his attendants; 
 there he immediately began to praise De- 
 rold as the finest doctor in all the world 
 and the very master of medical art, and 
 entreated that he might be summoned to 
 relieve him. Derold administered anti- 
 dotes, but the poison had gone so far that 
 it entered the Salerno physician's foot, in 
 the veins of which it formed a clot, so that 
 for a long time he was crippled and finally 
 had to call in the surgeon, who cut out the 
 tumor. 
 
 * * * 
 
 JEAN DE SALISBURY (From mo 
 to 1180 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 When pain torments a poor patient, he 
 
 I It is difficult to understand how one can 
 hide and sprinkle poison held behueen the index 
 and little fingers ; the author evidently intended 
 to write annularis. 
 
 is distracted by the acuteness of the mani- 
 festation a^ well as by the greediness of his 
 doctor. 
 
 * * * 
 
 PETRARCHO (Italian poet, 1304 to 
 1374 A.D.). 
 
 Latin Works. 
 
 UPON GOOD AND BAD FORTUNE. (^) 
 
 Thou hast enjoyed for a long time 
 strength and most flourishing health, to 
 the great astonishment of those who know 
 thee. In a few years of time thou hast 
 been on three occasions given up by the 
 doctors; three times hast thou trusted them 
 with thine life, and thy safety is alone due 
 to the aid of the Heavenly physician — it is 
 he alone who hath restored thee to health. 
 
 PREFACE TO BOOK SECOND. 
 
 When physicians agree let us interro- 
 gate the patients. They pretend that life 
 is short, ^) and by their foolishness they 
 often find further methods to shorten exist- 
 ence. 
 
 1 When we read all the sarcasm that Petrarch 
 
 has launched against physicians, one cannot help 
 but think him guilty of a vast amount of brazen 
 effrontery when he wr-'es in his first book of " In- 
 vectives:" "// zvill be found that I have said 
 naught against medicine nor true physicians. I have 
 only, on the contrary, spoken in favor of Hippocrates 
 against those enemies who decried his doctrines.''^ 
 
 2 " De remediis utriusque fortuna." An 
 anonymous author was inspired by this work to 
 issue, in 1673, the " Entretiens de Petrarque sur 
 la bonne et mauvaise fortune." The author of 
 this, as evidenced by many passages of his book, 
 written in old French and unworthy of English 
 translation on account of vulgarity, shows himself 
 to have been a close imitator of Petrarch, as well 
 as a follower of the Italian poet's prejudices 
 against doctors. 
 
 3 Allusion is here made to the aphorism of 
 Hippocrates, i.e., Ars longa, vita brevis, meaning
 
 48 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 LETTER FROM PETRARCH TO POPE 
 CLEMENT VL(^) 
 
 The announcement of your fever, most 
 Blessed Father, has caused me a trembling 
 and chill in all my members. (^) I do not 
 say this to flatter you nor to imitate that 
 satirical writer who says: ''He weeps if 
 he sees the tears of his friends," and yet 
 again remarks, ''I suffocate when he 
 sighs," but shall rather imitate one spoken 
 of by Cicero, who feared for the health of 
 the Roman people because his own was in- 
 volved therewith. My life and that of 
 many others depends on yours. My 
 trembling is thus far from being simulated, 
 and, believe me, it is not the peril of 
 others that so much troubles me, as that of 
 my individual self. We, who depend on 
 you, who trust in you even when you are 
 sick, must assume an air of contentment, 
 but we are truly unhappy. Nevertheless, 
 it is always fitting to be brief, and, above 
 all, under such circumstances, to shorten a 
 discourse destined to reach Divine ears 
 through the intermediary of a human 
 mouth. 1 shall say but a few words, Holy 
 
 the life of man is short and the art of healing re 
 quires long experience. 
 
 1 The unedited translation of this letter, and 
 the extracts that follow, are now, it is believed, 
 rendered into English for the first time. 
 
 2 During this illness Clement VI. escaped 
 from the assiduous care of no less than eight phy- 
 sicians. A satirical poet of the time attributes this 
 miracle to a vow made by the Pope to the Virgin 
 Mary : 
 
 "Questo e un voto che Papa Clemente 
 A questa nostra Donna a sodisfatto, 
 Perche da otto Medici ad un tratto 
 Lo libero, miracolosamente. 
 
 Which means in English that a vow made by 
 Pope Clement was given to the Virgin Mary be- 
 cause she had miraculously saved him from the 
 doctoring of eight over-attentive physicians. 
 
 Father, and bow, in spirit, full of love and 
 veneration, at your feet. 
 
 I know full well that your bed is be- 
 sieged by physicians, hence, my extreme 
 fear. They are all, in fact, of contrary 
 minds, those who have nothing new to say 
 being ashamed to follow in the footsteps of 
 the others. As Pliny has elegantly re- 
 marked, " Doubtless, all these gentlemen 
 wish to make a name and great reputation 
 by means of some medical novelty. They 
 traffic with our lives, and in no trade more 
 than theirs is there less importance in what 
 they say, for they cannot be believed under 
 oath, and no other set of men are as lying 
 as physicians and at the same time more 
 dangerous. We would not regard them 
 except for the sweetness of hope for our- 
 selves. Besides, there is no law that pun- 
 ishes an ignorance whose effects induce 
 death ; there is not an instance where they 
 have been fittingly chastised. They ac- 
 quire the little of the healing art they have 
 at our expense ; our deaths constitute their 
 experience. Only the doctor has the right 
 to kill a man with impunity." 
 
 Most Holy Father, regard this mul- 
 titude of medical advisers as enemies 
 ranged in battle array ; I warn you to be 
 on your guard, remembering the epitaph 
 of that unfortunate who ordered that the 
 words '■'■Idiedfrom too many physicians^^ be 
 inscribed on his sepulchre. The prophecy 
 of Marcus Cato the Elder seems applicable 
 to this age: ''When the Greeks have in- 
 vaded us with their literature, and especially 
 with their doctors, all of us will be cor- 
 rupted." But, while we dare not live 
 without doctors, other more healthy nations 
 live better without them. The Roman 
 people themselves for a long period of 
 time, and at their most flourishing epochs, 
 according to the testimony of Pliny, existed 
 for more than six hundred years without
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 49 
 
 medical aid, except that on one occasion 
 it had a single physician, whose beautiful 
 language, science and justice led him to 
 be recommended. But the medical men, 
 in time, forgot their profession, desiring by 
 craft to escape trom proscription. They 
 wandered afoot through the groves of 
 poesy and the flowery fields of rhetoric, as 
 though their pretensions were not to cure, 
 but to convince ; they disputed with loud 
 voices around the couches of the sick and 
 before the very eyes of the dying, tangling 
 with Ciceronian meshes the Hippocratic 
 skeins, even taking pride in the fatal issues 
 that gave them glory, not from material 
 results, but from the vain elegance of their 
 words. 
 
 For fear that such physicians only 
 imagine that I have invented what may be 
 said of them to-day, I would refer them to 
 the name of Pliny as being a person who 
 has written some little of medicine and 
 much of doctors, and has told more truths 
 than any person else ; in this letter, I have 
 taken him for my guide. It is he who 
 speaks thus : '' It is averred that as soon 
 as one of them is distinguished by his 
 beautiful talk he becomes the arbiter of our 
 lives and our deaths." 
 
 But the fear that I am pushing my pen 
 and drifting afar leads me to shorten my 
 remarks. To conclude : If a physician 
 excels not by his prudence, but by his 
 elocutionary powers, avoid him as you 
 would a hired assassin laymg an ambush 
 for your life as a prisoner. It is to such 
 that may be rightly addressed the words of 
 the old man Plautus to a certain loqua- 
 cious cook : '* Go away ! they have given 
 thee here leave to work and not to be a 
 wind-blabber." Now, take good care of 
 yourself, and that which will most marvel- 
 ously aid the health of the body — keep up 
 hope and be in good humor if you can — 
 
 as your safety and ours, with that of the 
 Church, which is sick with us, depends 
 thereon. May you recover. (^) 
 
 INVECTIVES AGAINST A FRENCH 
 PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Of the author^ s intention; why he has been 
 forced to write. He asks the reader to 
 excuse if he has written in any other 
 fashion than has been his habit, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Whoever thou mayest be, who from 
 thine obtrusive barkings hast forced me to 
 resume mine pen, until now left in repose, 
 and who hath awakened, so to speak, the 
 drowsy lion, thou wilt see that there are 
 other things to be used than a slandering 
 tongue that assaults the good name of 
 another ; behold one able to defend him- 
 self when armed and in the right. I avow 
 the struggle between us is unlawful ; thou 
 hast stabbed me, and I have not been able 
 to return the stroke. What renown could 
 I have, however, in combating an infa- 
 mous and mercenary tradesman ? We do 
 not contend for wealth or for empire; 
 honor is the only cause for action in the 
 case, and thou well knowest, without need 
 of recalling that fact to thee, in what indi- 
 gence and nakednesis thou art in this re- 
 spect when thou endeavorest to oblige me 
 to lower mineself to a level I have never 
 descended to and forced me to respond, 
 for fear lest mine remaming mute to thine 
 attacks might arouse contempt, and thou 
 couldst plume thineself on mine silence, 
 after being excused by me. So I shall re- 
 ply to some few only of thine assertions \ 
 
 I This letter, addressed to the Pope, protest- 
 ing against the number of physicians, caused a 
 medical diatribe to be launched against the poet, 
 to which Petrarch responded in one of his four 
 *' Invectives."
 
 50 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 yet only those worthy of a response shall 
 be answered. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 For mineself, and I have not forgotten 
 it, I censured not the occupation of physi- 
 cians, but those who practice the same, 
 and not all of these, but those impudent 
 pretenders — those who always differ in 
 opinion from others. Strange thing, for- 
 sooth ! as if thou couldst render justice 
 from the bottom of thine soul ; thou and 
 many others, thou art but angered and ex- 
 asperated. I cannot tell what this signifies. 
 One can attack philosophers of stupidity, 
 one can harass poets without rhyme, one 
 can mock orators without art, but never 
 Plato nor Aristotle, never Homer nor Vir- 
 gil, never Cicero nor Demosthenes would 
 be included in the number ; but when one 
 attacks useless and ignorant physicians, all 
 the profession trembles with delirious wrath. 
 That of which I doubted nothing before, a 
 little epistle has awakened ; I said in this 
 missive some particular things. Are none 
 among them exempt from a common 
 stigma? I cannot believe this, for I do 
 not despair finding some physician who 
 will wholly approve all that I have written 
 and that which remains to be said — one 
 true doctor who will find his own eulogy 
 in the infamy inflicted on the undeserving 
 of his profession, and who, I am fully per- 
 suaded, is remarked by all good souls who 
 rejoice in belonging to the select few of 
 physicians. If such were not mine convic- 
 tion, I could not, following the words I 
 used, have advised the Pope to choose a 
 single medical man from the large num- 
 ber in attendance, not one who indulged 
 in flowery flights of rhetoric, but rather 
 one of undoubted science and medical 
 skill. Rest assured, whoever thou art, thou 
 wast not this man, for if thou wast not one 
 
 contented with the quarrels and ignorance 
 of thine profession thou wouldst never 
 have written me so insulting and impudent 
 a letter. Thou hast been touched to th< 
 quick; hence thou hast cried out 
 loudly. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Now, that thou hast denied that physi- 
 cians are in full disagreement among them- 
 selves, behold, this is the universal com 
 plaint of all the human race ! Would tc 
 Heaven it were not so! I should hav( 
 better loved to have lied, if it were pos 
 sible to be deceived in this matter, 
 should have better loved to be wholly in 
 error than to have said that thousands of 
 men were placed under disagreemg domi- 
 nation such as is found in the variable un- 
 certainties of physicians. Thou pretendest 
 that in the last sickness of the Sovereign 
 Pontiff thou wert all agreed. Pay attention. 
 I beseech thee not to lie, although it is 
 thine daily professional custom ; lie not, es- 
 pecially before so many witnesses ! Truth 
 herself will cover thee with confusion ! 
 Perhaps after the health of our Holy 
 Father was re established thou did'st agree ; 
 this no one doubts; but the Pope would 
 have convalesced much sooner if he had 
 lived, during the time of his sickness, at 
 the most remote portion of India, far away 
 from his many doctors. Oh ! if that of 
 which the presage gives me horror (for 
 though t^e Vicar of God immortal is, he is 
 mortal in himself), if he had paid the 
 ordinary debt to Nature, in what profound 
 and confused disagreements all his medical 
 attendants would have fallen; how they 
 would have differed as to his pulse, his 
 secretions, his critical day, and — the reme- 
 dies ! Heaven and earth would have been 
 discordant with medical clamor, ignorant 
 as ye all were even of the cause of his
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 51 
 
 disease. Unhappy are the mortals who fall 
 sick and confide their lives to the doctor's 
 care ! Christ, in whose hands is the salva- 
 tion of man, saved his Holiness in spite of 
 his physicians. Ah ! ignorant ones, I be- 
 seech Divine aid to keep his Holiness as 
 long as it may be necessary, as well for 
 himself as for the good of the Church that 
 he governs. Ye seek to appropriate that 
 which comes from God, the merit of 
 which too belongs to complexion and tem- 
 perament. Ye endeavor to make the world 
 believe that ye have saved the Pope from 
 Death ; now that danger is past ye agree 
 on this point ! 
 
 Thine effrontery would force me to 
 speak of thee in verses and to give thee 
 embalment for future ages, if thou wert 
 not unworthy of being transmitted through 
 mineself to posterity, and thus have an 
 abiding place in mine works. But why 
 speak of color to the blind, why endeavor 
 to make the deaf hear ? Accomplish thine 
 desires mechanically, I pray thee. Cure if 
 thou canst; if not, kill all who apply to 
 thee and demand thine fees when they be 
 slain. No king, no emperor would dare 
 do as much : to thee alone, arbiter of life 
 and death, as thou art pleased to call 
 thineself, all this is conceded blindly by 
 the human species. Continue to use thine 
 baleful privilege. Thou hast done well to 
 give thineself up to ditrade so full of security. 
 If thine patient escape, he owes thee life ; 
 if he should die, thou art indebted to him 
 alone as the experience is acquired at his 
 expense. Death is the fault of Nature — it 
 is the fault of the disease ; life is a benefit 
 bestowed only by thee.(0 Socrates was 
 
 I " On guerit, c'est notre art; on meurt, c'est 
 la Nature," is an expression used by Casimir 
 Delavigne in " La Princesse Amelie ; " or, to ren- 
 der in English : "They cure, it is their art j they 
 kill, it is Nature. 
 
 then right in saying, on hearing that a 
 painter had turned doctor: '* It is prudent 
 for him to have thus acted : he leaves a 
 trade whose faults are displayed before 
 one's eyes to take a trade where a little 
 earth covers every blunder. "(^) 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 I cannot agree with the marvelous re- 
 sults said to be attained by physicians. 
 What results? I ask thee this question. It 
 is only by chance that thou art not placed 
 among the modern marvels, for thou art 
 said to be sick oftener than other men. 
 Thou appearest in thine trade to be ever 
 unwell. In the midst of immense popula- 
 tions thine visage alone would suffice, by 
 its lividity, to indicate thine medical call- 
 ing : from whence the proverb, ** He has 
 a doctor's complexion," a remark made 
 when we see a person with a yellow tinted 
 and withered aspect. It is a small miracle 
 to promise those in health a physical con- 
 dition not enjoyed by thineself. Yes, it 
 would certainly be a miracle if thou strov- 
 est to he only feebly. Perhaps another 
 marvelous result noticeable is that whoever 
 constantly give themselves up to the doc- 
 tor's care are never known to feel well. 
 Such are the results, not only marvelous, 
 but absolutely stupefying, obtained by 
 physicians. Mind, I do not speak of all, 
 but of the many, and of thineself in par- 
 ticular. 
 
 CHAPTER XI.(») 
 
 I abandon all the art of lying to doc- 
 
 1 This is the same idea as that emitted by 
 Nicoles, slightly modified. See preceding notes 
 on this author, 
 
 2 These extracts from the different " Invec- 
 tives" of the irate poet are, it will be noticed, a 
 continuation of the same diatribe. They are only 
 given as examples of early Italian satire on medi- 
 cine.
 
 52 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 tors, although falsehood may be of the 
 most serious character and those who com- 
 mit the same do so to the detriment and 
 supreme peril of the over-credulous. If 
 thou believest me not question the com- 
 munity of mortals; it has passed as an 
 aphorism to such a point that when one 
 knows how to lie cleverly it is said, "Thou 
 Hest like a doctor ! " 
 
 SECOND BOOK. — CHAPTER I. 
 
 Thou owest me eternal thanks ; with 
 muteness, the man deprived of tongue like 
 thou art, I have made of thee a babbler and 
 a clown. O ! very voluble disciple of Hip- 
 pocrates! Thou knowest not all that for 
 which mine pen is indebted to thee. I 
 have well written thee up in prose, soon I 
 shall immortalize thee in verse, in lispings; 
 I will compose for thee hyms of touching 
 praise. (^) Our Age may indeed have had 
 a prodigy — a man given to a manual occu 
 pation has striven to write a book. Who 
 will now permit Roscius to write another 
 treatise? He, so practiced in manual labor. 
 But it was not remarkable that he ac- 
 quired by his talents the high favor of the 
 greatest personages, even the friendship of 
 Cicero himself. He charmed our eyes; 
 thou, by a different method, hast scorched 
 mine ears. He forced all the world to be 
 pleased with him; thou hath pleased no 
 one. Who would now indignate at seeing 
 an A pic' us, master of the culinary art, 
 write the precepts of his profession ? Why 
 not write in kitchens, as is permitted thee 
 to write filth on privy walls and ceilings ? 
 Kitchens and privies have a close relation- 
 ship, as both their names do indicate. 
 Why not write a book in the midst of thine 
 defecating festivals ? Or compose it with 
 
 I In the interval between the first and second 
 books of "Invectives," the physician attacked 
 responded by another libel on the poet. 
 
 the dribbling sound of urine to assist 
 thee? 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Thou art, it is said, a physician, and 
 consequently a philosopher. Thou hast 
 heard of Apollo, inventor of medicine, and 
 of ^sculapius, who so improved the art. 
 Thou hast, no doubt, heard of Pythagoras, 
 the first of all who assumed the name of 
 medical philosopher. Weep, ye inventors 
 of this art ! Behold, a modern ass crowned 
 with wreaths of herbs has entered your 
 territory, who not only declares himself 
 to be a philosopher, but boasts of this 
 philosophy ! " Our philosophy," says he. 
 '■'■ Behold it ! " We hear these words and 
 then approach, fearing the worst, even the 
 end of the world, for it is written, ''There 
 shall be signs in the sun, in the moon, in 
 the stars ; " but the Evangelist forgot to 
 add, "When an ass becomes a philosopher 
 the Heavens shall fall." 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Now, I assert that thou art an huppe, (*) 
 which is more philosophical, perhaps, than 
 an ass. Certainly the Platonic Apuleius, 
 whom I have mentioned in one of my 
 Invectives, after having absorbed a philter, 
 believed, or feigned to believe, himself, 
 as Saint Augustine contends, changed into 
 an ass; and, remembering this metamor- 
 phosis, thou mayest philosophize ; no his- 
 tory ever before mentioned an ass philoso- 
 pher. So, huppe, thou canst do as thou art 
 accustomed to doing. Go, carrion thine- 
 self among the tombs; go and ordure 
 thineself in other filthy things and leave 
 true philosophy to real philosophers. Thou 
 
 I The huppe was a bird that sought its sus- 
 tenance in ordure, from whence the proverb, 
 '■^sale comme tine hupped This bird had the habit 
 of not knowing its own excrement from that of 
 other living things.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors, 
 
 53 
 
 believest thineself to be a philosopher; 
 do not deceive thineself. A philosopher, 
 as the name indicates, is a man who 
 loves wisdom ; as for thee, thou art the 
 slave of gold. Thou shouldst logically feel 
 these to be contrary things, without great 
 stretch of imagination. I conclude thou 
 art wholly another thing from what thou 
 thinkest. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 To what dreams willst thou not dare to 
 indulge in thine philosophizing, thou who 
 fearest not to treat us blindly; canst thou 
 deny the confession of doctors or imbeciles 
 if thou endeavorest to justify thineself? 
 Thou hast commenced by denying their 
 death-like pallor, as though thou hast not 
 eyes, or as if thou hast not a mirror. 
 Then, admitting this paleness, thou im- 
 putest it to the care and anxiety the medi- 
 cal profession have for their clients ; and, 
 not content with this excuse, thou under- 
 takest to justify it, paleness being, sayest 
 thou, a philosophic attribute. 
 
 Good God ! What can be sweeter to 
 true sages than the title of philosopher, 
 for, although this title may be falsely as- 
 sumed, thou claimest, with other curious 
 pleasantries, that thou hast the real pale 
 complexion of the true philosopher ! Cer- 
 tain it is that the master of amours attrib- 
 utes this palish cast of countenance to 
 lovers, whence those verses, 
 
 " Every lover should be pale, 
 
 As 'tis the proper color of a lover." 
 
 And yet another poet observes,(^) 
 
 ♦♦ The paleness of the lover sowed with violets." 
 
 But thine paleness in thee is something 
 far different, when 'tis known from what it 
 springeth. This paleness is not from me, 
 
 see '• Odes of Horace," book III. 
 
 it is not that of an isolated writer among 
 the ancients that attributes it to thee ; it is 
 the reality, it is public opmion, it is the 
 scandal of the public streets. Wouldst 
 deny this ? Now, the most illustrious phi- 
 losophers among the Greeks, as well as 
 Latins, had most beautitul complexions and 
 faces, as is known to all the world. But 
 thou art not a philosopher, save from the 
 erroneous opinion that thou might be one. 
 Cease, then; thine care for the public in- 
 terests, and accuse thine own cupidity for 
 being what thou art ; do not reproach thine 
 paleness as being the result of thine hard 
 studies, but rather attribute it to the habits 
 of thine life. Thou who frequentest noto- 
 rious places — gloomy, fetid, malarious; 
 thou bathest in basins where matter over- 
 flows ; thou inspectest the urine of thine 
 patients and dream only of gold ; it is not 
 surprising, then, that living in feculent 
 matters, greenish, blackish and yellow, 
 thou art thineself, in complexion, of the 
 same divine color. Q 
 
 2 We find other explanations relative to this 
 subject in " Les Medecins a la Censure," or " En- 
 tretiens sur la Medecine," by a French physician 
 of Besancon, as witness the following passage : 
 Meantime, adds Clean thes I cannot really 
 understand how the majority of these languishing 
 and half-dead creatures can have the face to call 
 themselves doctors and relate to us the marvelous 
 cases they have cured. Notice how their features 
 mostly seem afflicted with dementia in their pro- 
 found discourses. Do they not comprehend thai 
 all the intelligent world understands their mum- 
 mery, when one can say to their very noses thai 
 ancient proverb, ''Physician heal thyself?'' In 
 truth, even Sosander was himself sometime.^ 
 ashamed at this sarcastic raillery. It has been 
 said that it takes such kinds of long and solemn 
 faces to frighten man and make him sick, so that 
 one can thus secure practice. Another writer has 
 said : '■'■As doctors are the fathers of Death, so 77iusl 
 they ivear a solemn livery:' It has also been re 
 marked that " Physicians are pale owing to the 
 reproach of conscieBce; they have committed
 
 54 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Epistles concerning Old Age.Q^ 
 
 PETRARCH TO BOCCACCIO. 
 
 Thou hast written me, I know not 
 when, since I have lost the date and all 
 memories connected therewith, that thou 
 hast been gravely ill, but that, thanks to 
 the doctors and the help of God, thou hast 
 been cured. I am astonished that such a 
 vulgar error as a belief in medical art hath 
 penetrated thine mind. God and thine 
 own good temperament have saved thee. 
 
 Rome would have retained its great- 
 ness and have remained what it was in 
 former days had it ignored its doctors. 
 Cato, who was a Sage, foresaw the result 
 of a medical plague and enjoined mankind 
 to avoid the consequences thereof; but 
 this poor Globe of ours paid no attention 
 to his useful advice, which is the common 
 fate of all truth, and physicians invaded us. 
 
 Behold the splendor of the doctor's 
 raiment, where luxury usurps the place of 
 
 many homicides." Some, again, think that the 
 perfume of the bilious excrements and the color 
 of the same is observable on the face of each dig- 
 nified ^sculapian. Others, finally, insist that the 
 visage of the average doctor is the veritable fades 
 Hyppocraticam. An ancient aphorism was, '^'•He 
 has a doctor's face, ^'' this being applied to every 
 man whose visage was pale and thin. It is true, 
 nevertheless, that in order to indicate one in per- 
 fectly robust health another proverb said, '■'■He 
 hath the health of Galen.'''' Such has been from 
 ancient times the logical contradiction of the wis- 
 dom of various nations. 
 
 I Only extracts from this missive are trans- 
 lated, and for full rendering from Latin into 
 French the reader is referred to G. J. Witkowski. 
 Petrarch's dislike for doctors probably arose from 
 the death of his beloved Laura, who perished of 
 the plague on April ist, 1348; when, as Petrarch 
 observes, '• Her chaste and beautiful body was 
 buried the same day, after Vespers, in the Church 
 of the Cordeliers." 
 
 ordinary vestments, and robes of purple 
 and fur-lined gowns adorn their persons. 
 They wear glittering rings with precious 
 stones, (^) with spurs of virgin metal. 
 
 They drive horses of milky whiteness 
 with chariots of silver and harnesses of 
 gold; but all the world cannot kill five 
 thousand men, the figure required to attain 
 this triumph. 
 
 Behold the credulity of patients, whose 
 only desire is to recover health, which 
 doctors most impudently promise them. 
 Apollo they misrepresent in person. 
 
 The Ancients triumphed in killing their 
 enemies; those that the doctors kill are 
 our own citizens and friends. In antique 
 times the warriors wore armor ; these phy- 
 sicians are clad in togas. Another simi- 
 larity, between physicians and warriors, 
 those who had slaughtered the most men 
 were always regarded as the most illustri- 
 ous, while those doctors who attempt the 
 most dangerous and doubtful experiments 
 become the chiefs of all others and are 
 pointed at with pride by the World. *' He 
 has seen much," cry the fools. ** He is a 
 doctor who experiments largely." There 
 are none others save murderers who ac- 
 quire such brazen assurance from long-con- 
 tinued habits. 
 
 I A Spanish epigram of the same period 
 makes allusion to the habit that physicians had of 
 wearing jewelry : 
 
 En el dedo de un Dottor 
 Engastado in oro vi 
 Un finissimo rubi, 
 Perche es siempre este color 
 El antidoto meior 
 Contra la melancholia. 
 
 Or as rendered into English : "I saw a fine ruby 
 set in gold upon a doctor's finger. This is be- 
 cause a red color is the best antidote against 
 melancholy."
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 55 
 
 One doctor pretends that it is neces- 
 sary to abstain from fruit, another from 
 vegetables, without which in this soft 
 Italian climate all nourishment would be 
 wanting. Why should our agriculturists 
 seek edible plants from other climates, if 
 these plants are to become injurious to 
 those who use them ? 
 
 These so-called ''Secretaries of Na- 
 ture," these gentlemen who ignore noth- 
 ing, abominate in others what they do 
 themselves. One of them even con- 
 demned water most cruelly, inasmuch as 
 he indulged in that famous epigram, " I 
 find no use for water, unless it may be 
 taken in acute fevers." O noble aphorism ! 
 I cannot believe this, inasmuch as even 
 during winter nights I drink cold water in 
 great quantities, and could not live with- 
 out it. (1) 
 
 I once heard a physician of great re- 
 nown among us express himself in the fol- 
 lowing terms : "I cannot ignore the fact 
 that I shall be treated as an ingrate if I 
 lied in regard to an art by means of which 
 I have acquired riches and many friends, 
 but truth should be placed above all affec- 
 tion. I solemnly affirm and believe, if a 
 hundred or a thousand of men of the same 
 age, same temperament and habits, to- 
 gether with the same surroundings, were 
 attacked at the same time by the same dis- 
 
 I We may recall the response made by Hip- 
 pocrates to a person who was boasting that he 
 had attained an old age without the aid of ph\si- 
 cians. "It is," said the medical philosopher, 
 " because you have followed a diet prescribed for 
 you by doctors." Petrarch was very temperate in 
 his habils, and drank only water, prescribing for 
 himself and others, however, a bleeding with 
 every change of Season. He derived from the 
 profession he villified with so much malice all the 
 information wherewith to keep good health and 
 prolong his life. 
 
 ease, that if the one half followed the pre- 
 scriptions of doctors of the variety of those 
 practicing at the present day, and that the 
 other half took no medicine but relied on 
 Nature's instincts, I have no doubt as to 
 which half would escape.*' 
 
 I once said to a doctor, and a famous 
 man of letters at that, with whom I was 
 dining, that I was astonished that he used 
 foods other than those whose use he pre- 
 scribed, and he answered me with a most 
 imperturbable face and without hesitancy : 
 " If a physician conformed his manner of 
 living to his prescriptions or his prescrip- 
 tions to his manner of living he would run 
 the risk of losing his health or his fortune." 
 A man who cannot see the force ot this 
 maxim is an arrant fool. 
 
 I once heard a doctor of great renown, 
 and really of profound erudition, not only 
 in medicine, but many other scienres that 
 threw me into close intimacy with him, 
 answer my question as to why he did not 
 practice medicme, thus imitating a host ol 
 men who were his inferiors, in the following 
 words : "I fear to commit an impiety in the 
 sight of God, who is witness of all earthly 
 actions. I cannot connive at a fraud that 
 costs the lives of the credulous vulgar. If 
 people knew as well as I how many times 
 their physician is hardly above mediocrity, 
 knowing nothing of the disease, and 
 oftener still, really doing injury to the pa- 
 tient, our present quota of doctors would be 
 considerably less in numbers, and much 
 less well paid. Most follow it as a trade 
 with hardened hearts, preying on the cred 
 ulity of the sick. They abuse the simplic- 
 ity of such unfortunates whom they 
 promise life, and then destroy for pay. As 
 for me, I desire to deceive or kill no one, 
 and will not enrich myself at the price of 
 misfortune."
 
 56 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 I formerly numbered among my friends 
 several real physicians, but to-day, I have 
 only four medical friends left; one at 
 Venice, one at Milan and two at Padua ; 
 all learned and pleasant gentlemen ; all re- 
 markably good talkers, discussing with 
 warmth, perorating with a vehemence or 
 with mildness, and they could kill you 
 so gently that you would excuse them. 
 They have Aristotle, Cicero and Seneca at 
 their tongues' end, and will attract you with 
 their classical knowledge. They also 
 quote Virgil. I know not by what strange 
 and peculiar chance these men know more 
 of all other arts than that of medicine. 
 The physicians of whom I have spoken, I 
 receive as friends^ when I am sick — never 
 as doctors. (^) 
 
 BOOK XII. — EPISTLE II. 
 
 Addressed to Giovanni {Jean Dondi), of 
 Padua^ an E?ntnent Physician. 
 
 The object of medicine is the restora- 
 tion of health, I suppose, and not the 
 grace of language ; the duty of the physi- 
 cian is to cure, and not to perorate as to 
 how Hippocrates and others healed people. 
 We are ignorant, at least we are forced to 
 add faith to what is said by Galen, his 
 disciple, who exalted him above the clouds, 
 where it was believed that ^sculapius 
 resuscitated Hippolytus from the dead. 
 Whatever opinion we may have of the 
 Ancients who lived in remote times and 
 places, think as you will, I speak only of 
 modern doctors, and my own country, and 
 repeat what I before said, that I have 
 known some very eloquent medical men, 
 
 I Louis XIV. one day said to Moliere, *' You 
 have a doctor who prescribes for you, have you 
 not?" and the Satirist answ^ered : " We converse 
 together ; he prescribes for me ; I do not take 
 hi^ medicine, and hence recover." 
 
 but as for the rest of their science, it is 
 more polite to say but little. I know not 
 by what hazard or culpable choice they 
 are better acquainted with everything else 
 than their own trade. For all that cures 
 mortal maladies none knows better than 
 yourself what wonderful efficacy they 
 have ; none attack their ignorance more 
 than yourself, for ignorance is odious to no 
 one more than a real savant. If I did 
 not believe that of you, I should neither 
 love nor esteem you, as I ever have done. 
 You maintain silence, nevertheless, not 
 from magnanimity, without doubt, but from 
 motives of prudence, and a fear of increas- 
 ing the hatred of your colleagues ; meantime 
 you have no desire to arouse, not only their 
 enmity, but that of the entire world, for 
 fear that the latter might arise in violence 
 and exclaim : ' ' Why do you deceive the 
 human race? Why abuse the credulity 
 and ignorance of mankind? Why sell 
 poor devils' lies for the truth? Why, of 
 all other classes, gain a benefit from 
 homicide, a crime met with punishment, 
 and for which impunity should be assured 
 to no man ? " These words would sound 
 well coming with dignity from your mouth ; 
 but you wish to escape their hatred ; fear 
 or ignorance will make others mute. I 
 can only cry out; none will hear me ; the 
 vulgar turn a deaf ear; other men are like 
 you, and avoid dispute. Doctors assassi- 
 nate, and none are accused, but assassina- 
 tion is not sufficient ; they accuse them- 
 selves. With one it is cold ; with another 
 fasting that kills. Some men die from 
 eating fruit, others from drinking water; 
 but what matters it, they are dead. None 
 depart this life without their own great 
 faults; none recover without all the merit 
 and honor is reflected to the glory of 
 medicine.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 57 
 
 POGGIO BRACCIOLINI (1380 to 
 1459 A.D.j. 
 
 Parallel between Medicine and Jurisprudence. 
 
 BENEDETTO ANSWERS NICCOLO. 
 
 As Nicholas finished, Benedetto d'Arez- 
 zo made speech as follows: " Nicholas, by 
 his slanders, has injured the dignity of the 
 legal fraternity and their ministers. But 
 this scorn and contempt for legislators by 
 a physician is certainly undeserved. It is 
 surely not the fault of the Laws or of the 
 Civil Rights if there are men of obtuse 
 minds and idle natures who practice at the 
 bar of justice, or if some abuse the privi- 
 lege by right more than by reason ; all the 
 earth is not fertile, and even in among the 
 wheat we see the tares. But, Nicholas, 
 what think you of those who practice your 
 own profession? Are ours more injurious 
 to mankind? Thanks to the stupidity of 
 the masses, doctors kill more of the world 
 than they cure; and, at the risk and peril 
 of their unfortunate dupes, they make ex- 
 periments of their art. Does absurdity and 
 abuse not condemn your art as a science? 
 Our errors, as you call them, are slight in 
 comparison with yours; our imbeciles, 
 whom you have mentioned, do not deceive 
 only as to the worldly goods and wealth of 
 their clients. Yours put human life in 
 eternal danger. Our unworthy ones only 
 snatch at mankind's purse. Yours cause 
 the destruction of the body and the loss of 
 worldly goods, inasmuch as they collect 
 their fees from those who manage the 
 estates of those whose lives you have 
 taken. Ours only do injury in things of 
 little importance. Yours injure in things 
 of the most vital importance. Kings, 
 Princes, Noblemen perish through your 
 carelessness. Ours only imperil some lega- 
 cies and inheritances. Your profession 
 
 causes the complete ruination of States, 
 those practicing your trade being often 
 much more apt to remove clods of earth 
 than to exercise medicine. It is a ridicu- 
 lous thing then for blockheads and boors, 
 without literature, without knowledge, 
 without ordinary intelligence, to have the 
 unbounded impudence to profess the sci- 
 ence of healing; the stupidity of humanity 
 that has confidence in such and calls them 
 to the bedside of the sick, not to care for 
 them but to make the unfortunate more 
 ill; it were better for the world had such 
 men never been born, since they seem 
 only capable of losing all. In our profes- 
 sion none are permitted to exercise law or 
 to defend a case if they have not taken all 
 the degrees in the science of Law. Medi- 
 cine permits the entrance to the ranks of 
 the first come, all those of the masses, the 
 vulgar herd of artizans and servants." 
 
 FACETIOUSNESS OF ANGELO, BISHOP OF 
 AREZZO, TOWARDS DOCTORS. 
 
 I desire to report here an adventure 
 that befell Angelo, the brilliant Bishop of 
 Arezzo, who belonged to the family of 
 Ricosoli. He suffered with a grave indis- 
 position, and the physicians called in en- 
 joined him to take their drugs, otherwise 
 he would run the risk of death. The 
 Bishop had a natural horror of doctors, 
 and refused; but finally, touched by the 
 prayers and tears of his friends, he prom- 
 ised to take the physicians' prescriptions. 
 Following their habits, they sent him their 
 remedies for the day, which the Bishop 
 promptly cast into the pot de chambre and 
 then pushed the vessel under the bed. 
 The doctors returned next day to visit 
 their patient and to see the effects of their 
 medicines ; they perceived that the Bishop 
 was free from fever and attributed the re- 
 sults to their remedies, reproaching his
 
 58 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Reverence for not taking their nostrums 
 sooner, claiming that his health would 
 have been immediately re-established there- 
 by. The Bishop replied that they had a 
 strength and most admirable virtues, as all 
 that was necessary was to put them in the 
 chamber under his bed and thereby re- 
 cover his health. ''What would have 
 happened," added he, "if I had taken 
 your concoction ? Certainly I should have 
 now been immortal ! " He then ordered 
 the physicians and their bottles to be put 
 out of the house. 
 
 PHYSICIANS DRIVEN FROM ROME BY 
 PUBLIC DECREE. 
 
 It is not without reason, then, that in 
 other times physicians were chased out of 
 Rome by public decree, as it naturally 
 happened, this trade being ignoble, that 
 the vile and contemptible practiced medi- 
 cine simply as an easy way of securing 
 money. What, in fact, more glorious and 
 admirable than medicine? You inspect 
 urine, dejections, the sputa of the sick; 
 you observe these with an oblique glance 
 and wrinkled forehead, as if it were a very 
 grave malady requiring an exceptional 
 skill to cure. Then you feel the pulse, 
 where you know the forces of Nature are 
 felt. Then you collect together in consul- 
 tation, and, after many disputes, come to 
 the pharmacy, as you say, and most often 
 by this time are in such a state of disagree- 
 ment, so far off from saving the patient, 
 that your science, that you pretend is in- 
 fallible, certain, always identical with 
 itself, appears to the contrary most change- 
 able, variable, and inconstant. If your 
 potion by chance rather than by its vir 
 tues does some good, you extol the cure to 
 the skies; if it injures, all the injury is en- 
 tombed along with the patient. 
 
 Pleasant Stories about Doctors. 
 
 There are many laughable stories about 
 physicians, without relating those of the 
 fools who do not make miracles like that 
 doctor who found a lost ass by giving the 
 owner pills to swallow, and that other phy- 
 sician who accused his patient of having 
 eaten an ass;(') as these anecdotes are not 
 without humor, we place them among our 
 confabulations, f ) I could, did I so desire, 
 repeat scores of stories relative to the 
 ridiculous prodigies of charlatans, but will 
 only relate a few. 
 
 STORY OF AN EMPIRIC WHO LOOKED 
 AFTER ASSES. 
 
 There was lately at Florence a man full 
 of assurance and audacity who had no 
 manner of occupation. This fellow read, 
 in some book of medicine, the composition 
 of certain pills reputed to be a sovereign 
 remedy against different diseases, and then 
 conceived the strange fancy of becoming a 
 doctor, thanks to these pills. After manu- 
 facturing a great number, he left Florence 
 and went around in its neighborhood 
 among villages and farms practicing 
 physic. He administered his pills indif- 
 ferently in all kinds of maladies, and luck 
 seemed to aid him, for several patients re- 
 covered after taking his drugs. The re- 
 nown of this ignoramus soon spread among 
 the common people of his own kind, so 
 that a peasant who had lost a donkey came 
 one day and demanded if the quack had 
 no remedy to find missing asses. The em- 
 piric answered him yes, and then gave 
 him SIX pills to swallow. The peasant paid 
 
 1 Allusion is here made to a volume of " Fa- 
 cetiae " by Poggio, of which we reproduce but a 
 few anecdotes, 
 
 2 "Confabulations"; this is the title Poggio 
 gave to one of his books.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 59 
 
 his fee and departed. During the next 
 day, while seeking for his beast, the ca- 
 thartic pills took effect and the peasant 
 precipitately retired into a willow copse, 
 where to his astonishment he found his ass 
 grazing. From that time he lauded to high 
 Heaven the science and pills of the quack : 
 A true ^sculapius had been found, the 
 common people rushed in from all over 
 the adjoining country, they came in crowds 
 to the doctor who had remedies that even 
 found lost asses. 
 
 A MEDICAL RUSE. 
 
 An ignorant but very egotistical physi- 
 cian visited his patients in company with 
 his student. He felt the pulses ot the 
 sick, as is the custom, and if he saw they 
 were going to die he reproached them with 
 the fault of having eaten a fig, an apple, 
 or something else he had forbidden them 
 to take. The patients avowed, most often, 
 this doctor had the gift of second sight 
 when he could so well divine the departure 
 from a prescribed diet. His adroitness 
 at this medical trick plunged the student 
 into a continual state of astonishment; so 
 the latter asked him if he recognized 
 changes in diet by the patient's pulse, by 
 palpation, or by some other equally as 
 learned procedure. The preceptor, touched 
 by the student's deference, finally deigned 
 to reveal the secret. ''When I enter the 
 chamber of the sick," said he, '* I cast 
 around me a rapid glance, and if I see the 
 remains of fruit on any plate or dish, no 
 matter what, say they be chestnut shells, 
 fig skins, nut hulls, apple cores, or any- 
 thing a sick man might eat, I accuse his 
 gourmandizing of having aggravated his 
 malady, preventing my medicines from 
 acting, and am therefore relieved of 
 responsibility in case of a fatal termina- 
 tion." 
 
 Shortly afterwards the pupil, who had 
 now become a doctor and commenced to 
 practice medicine, undertook the trick 
 of his former preceptor among his own 
 clients : he accused them of not following 
 his prescriptions and of having eaten this 
 or that, as he noted around him any ob- 
 jective indications. One day he was called 
 to a man, whom he promised to heal 
 quickly if he preserved an exact diet. 
 After prescribing a certain quantity of 
 nourishment, he left, promising to return 
 on the next day. When he came, accord- 
 ing to appointment, the patient was very 
 much worse ; too ignorant or stupid to de- 
 termine the cause, he looked all around 
 him — no waste foods of any kind. He 
 was embarrassed, but finally peeped under 
 the bed ; there he saw an asses tail, used 
 as a fly switch, and immediately ex- 
 claimed : "I see why you are doing so 
 much worse : you have eaten to such an 
 excess that I shall not be astonished to 
 find you dead to-morrow. No wonder you 
 are sick, you have eaten a whole ass." 
 The tail of the beast had indicated to his 
 talented medical mind that the animal had 
 been cooked like any other meat. This 
 fool set the whole world laughing at his 
 expense. (^) 
 
 PLEASANTRIES OF A PHYSICIAN WHO 
 GAVE REMEDIES AT RANDOM. 
 
 The Roman custom is to send the phy- 
 sician a little urine from the patient, with 
 one or two pieces of money, and thus ob- 
 tain a written consultation. This physician 
 to my knowledge wrote every evening 
 upon strips of paper, what we call pre- 
 scription paper, different remedies appro- 
 
 I This very ancient story has been modernized 
 in numerous ways, and an imitation in English 
 rhyme is extant.
 
 6o 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 priate to all sorts of diseases and put them 
 in a bag, well mixed together. In the 
 morning numerous persons brought him 
 samples of urine in order to obtain a pre- 
 scription, and he always plunged his hand 
 in the bag and extended the first prescrip- 
 tion that he came across, remarking, in 
 Italian, at the same moment, ''Prega Dio 
 te la mandi buona"; that is to say, '' Pray 
 God you may draw a good one ! " This 
 was a sad thing for those gentlemen whose 
 health depended on chance and not on 
 reason. 
 
 POGGIANA. 
 
 A nobleman one day observed that 
 there were three kinds of men who ranked 
 well in the world, i.e., the theologians, be- 
 cause they corrupted religion; the lawyers, 
 because they embroiled society in place of 
 keeping order; and the doctors, because, 
 under pretense of curing, they killed most 
 often. A theologian, lawyer, and physi- 
 cian having heard this, proposed the fol- 
 lowing toast: "When we have killed off 
 the nobility, we will content the rest of the 
 world, and mankind will pass away as 
 ever." 
 
 I learn from Darcier that Antonius 
 Musa killed young Marcellus with cold 
 baths. Those who bathe in cold water are 
 called psychrolites. Seneca belonged to the 
 number, and Pliny approved not the treat- 
 ment. "It is not necessary to doubt," 
 said he, "that all physicians traffic in 
 human life to acquire reputation and in- 
 vent something new." 
 
 * H< * 
 
 TRITHEMUS (1426 to 1516 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 To make an ignoramus a doctor, is to 
 hang out a sign that means nothmg ; it is 
 
 like putting a circle of wine casks around 
 the door of a house where no wine is 
 sold. 
 
 JOVIANO PONTANOO (1426 to 
 1523 A.D.). 
 
 DIALOGUES. 
 
 Charon : But tell me. Mercury, I pray 
 thee, do men at present live more gayly 
 and in greater freedom than formerly ? 
 
 Mercury : The priests live more gayly, 
 chorusings at funerals ; the doctors have a 
 much livelier time, since they are permit- 
 ted to kill with impunity. 
 
 Charon : Can it be that homicide is not 
 punished with execution ? 
 
 Mercury : Without doubt : but for phy- 
 sicians not only is the law absolute, but it 
 even fixes their fees. 
 
 Charon : What iniquity ! 
 
 Mercmy : But no, the law of reason ab- 
 solves doctors from all blame ; it is not the 
 physician who kills, it is those who invoke 
 the aid and assistance of the doctor, and 
 who pay for it dearly. 
 
 Charon: And the Civil Laws allow 
 this? 
 
 Mercury : Most certainly it is permit- 
 ted. 
 
 * * * 
 
 ERASMUS (1467 to 1536 A.D.).0 
 
 DIALOGUE VII. — UPON BAD HEALTH. 
 
 George : Are you in good health ? 
 
 1 In Latin, Jovianus Pontanus, an Italian 
 diplomatist and author of numerous moral works, 
 poems and dialogues. He was a scholar whose 
 elegant Latinity is unquestioned. 
 
 2 Erasmus, with his dialogues entitled " Cice- 
 ronian us," attacked the Church as well. He has 
 bet n accused by Catholic writers of laying the egg 
 afterwards hatched out by Martin Luther.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 6i 
 
 Levin : I should wish to respond in the 
 affirmative, but am not as well as I desire 
 to be ; in fact, I never felt so badly. I feel 
 like it is a misfortune to live under the 
 domination of a Hippocratic monarchy, 
 and all others who consort with those 
 authorized and mercenary man-slayers, vul- 
 garly known as doctors. 
 
 George : From what do you suffer ? 
 What has made you sick ? 
 
 Levin: I know not; hence, my disease 
 is all the more dangerous. 
 
 George : True, as you say ; for the first 
 step towards health is to penetrate the 
 nature of the disease, following the proverb, 
 '^A malady well understood is already half 
 cured.'' Have you not consulted the 
 oracle ? Have you not called physicians 
 to your assistance ? 
 
 Levin : Oh, pardon me ! I have al- 
 ready seen more doctors than I can count. 
 
 George : Very well ! What did they 
 say? 
 
 Levin : They practiced almost the same 
 manoeuvre as that of the lawyers of Demi- 
 phon in the comedy of " Terrence : " one 
 of them says this ; another one, this is not 
 so; and the third has a mind to deliberate 
 more slowly. My doctors only agree on 
 one point — that is that / am an object of 
 compassion. 
 
 George ; But why not call in a real phy- 
 sician ? 
 
 Levin : I fear that such a one, in place 
 of doing away with the disease, may aug- 
 ment it; and also think such a one may 
 poison instead of curing me. 
 
 George: But it is necessary to choose 
 one who will assure you that he will posi- 
 tively restore health. 
 
 Levin : If I must die, I should best love 
 to die quickly, rather than be tormented 
 with too many drugs. 
 
 George : Then on your going out be 
 
 your own doctor ; if you cannot trust a 
 man who claims to possess the art of 
 driving away diseases and restore your 
 health, I wish that the Almighty may take 
 you off in place of the doctor. 
 
 EULOGY TO FOLLY. 
 
 Among the sciences, those furtherest off 
 from common sense, which is only, after all, 
 folly, are also the best paid. Theologians 
 die of hunger ; lawyers are frozen out ; 
 astrologers are mocked ; dialecticians are 
 held in contempt. Medicine is worth more 
 than all these put together. Among doc- 
 tors, as a rule, the most ignorant, the 
 greatest charlatans, the most reckless prac- 
 titioners, are always the fashion among 
 persons in the higher social circles. The 
 society doctor of the present day, or at 
 least the majority of them, uses for rhetoric 
 only the art of throwing powder in other 
 people's eyes. After the doctors, in trick- 
 ery, come the lawyers, the last most often 
 being equal to the former. I do not care 
 to criticise them, but all philosophers agree 
 that so called medical science is the blun- 
 der of the ignoramus. 
 
 ADAGES. 
 
 The Scholiast of Aristophanes, in his 
 Plutus, says that the bulls of Boetia were 
 scatophagic — that is, eaters of excrement. 
 Aristophanes applied this name to physi- 
 cians, because in attending their patients 
 they examined almost all the infected 
 materials, the urine and the evacuations. 
 
 Erasmus said to a poor sick man who 
 had had ten different doctors in consulta- 
 tion, and had not died after the ordeal, 
 that it was sufficient to not only kill a sick 
 man, but the most healthy man in the 
 world (J. Bernier, Essais de Medecine). 
 
 Erasmus, who observed the doctors
 
 62 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 during the illness of one of his best friends, 
 who died, recognized that, in place of 
 giving him relief by good remedies, they 
 passed the entire time, as to day, in dis- 
 puting as to the cause of his complaint. 
 Toto tempore quo decubuit cegfotus, de gerure 
 morbi disputarunt (Lesieur, Reflexions sur la 
 Medecine). 
 
 if. "^ ^ 
 
 THOMAS MORUS (1480 to 1535 
 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM UPON DOCTOR NICOLAS 
 
 Nunc video baud rerum tantum, sed et ipsa viro- 
 
 rum 
 Nomina, non temere sed ratione dari, 
 Nicolaus nomen medici est; — Qui convenit? in- 
 
 quis, 
 Hie potius nomen debuit esse ducis; 
 Dux populos armis vincit, sed et iste venenis 
 Et populum et fortes sternit uterque duces, 
 Saepe ducem bello repetunt, bis nemo rebellat; 
 Huic uno die, vero est nomine Nicolaus. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 I see now it is reason, not chance, that 
 gives names to men, as to things ; Nich- 
 olas(^) is the name of a doctor. '* Is it not 
 natural," sayest thou, ''that it should be 
 the name of a General — a military leader 
 triumphing over nations by force of arms ? 
 But the physician, by means of his drugs, 
 slays at the same time people and Gen- 
 erals, even though the latter be most val- 
 liant. Often the General is menaced, in 
 his turn; the doctor never finds rebels. 
 Yes, in truth, only a doctor merits the 
 name of Nicholas ! " 
 
 CLENARD (1495 to 1542 A.D.). 
 
 This Flemish philologist treats, in one 
 of his works, the physician as a sanicide. 
 
 I Signifying victorious (from the Greek), 
 
 HECTOR BCETHIUSO (1470 to 1550 
 A.D.). 
 
 HISTORY OF SCOTLAND. 
 
 King Reuthas having learned that a 
 number of persons, suffering from wounds 
 and sickness, had died, owing to the igno- 
 rance of their physicians, issued, at the 
 advice of his councillors, a decree forbid- 
 ding, in the future, any man taking the 
 title of Doctor, unless he were known to 
 have recognized ability, attested by long 
 experience ; this restriction was made with 
 the death penalty attached as punishment. 
 Before this time, among our countrymen, 
 there had been no one especially skilled in 
 medicine, the first come claiming to be 
 physicians. Following the ancient custom 
 of the Egyptians, the sick had been placed 
 on the highways, or in some frequented 
 public place, so that any passer-by could 
 give medical advice, provided the party 
 had been cured of the same disease himself 
 or had treated others successfully. Under 
 such circumstances no one thus qualified 
 was allowed to pass the sick without speak- 
 ing. 
 
 * * * 
 
 PALINGENIUS MARCELLUS 
 (Medical poet, i6th century), 
 
 ZUDIACUS VIT^. — LEO, LIBER V. 
 
 Consulte item, si opus est, medicum, vel clinicus 
 
 ille, 
 Vel sit cbirurgus ; cbirurgi certior est ars ; 
 Nam quid agat certum est, et aperta luce vide- 
 
 tur ;(=) etc. 
 
 1 vScotcb historian, Professor at the College of 
 Aberdeen, a great friend and correspondent of 
 Erasmus. 
 
 2 The remainder of the Latin, omitted can be 
 consuUed in the original work of S. J. .Witkoski. 
 The English translation will be confined to a 
 short extract also.
 
 77/1? Evil that lias been said of Doctors. 
 
 63 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Consult then, if it be needful, the man of medical 
 art, 
 Or else consult a surgeon, as surgery is more 
 sure ; 
 For the latter, by comparison, is light in darkness 
 apart ; 
 Yet those we call our doctors are physicians 
 who should cure. 
 
 The latter look at the sick, and make a grave 
 prognosis, 
 Gazing on urine, feeling the pulse, smelling the 
 dejections, 
 Deceiving themselves to our injury, for we enter 
 metempsychosis. 
 At least, that is the general rule, after their wise 
 inspections. 
 
 Oh ! sing a psalm to the bald Levites and bald- 
 headed doctors bold, 
 For the latter grab our purse for their crime, 
 Forgetting God's punishment comes in good 
 
 time, 
 Though they smile with joyous air sublime 
 As they jingle each dead man's gold. 
 
 JEAN OPORINUS(') 1530 A D.). 
 
 LIFE OF PARACELSUS. 
 
 During the two years I lived with Para- 
 celsus, he was given to much drunkenness 
 and crapulation, so that he could not be 
 seen sober more than two hours a day ; 
 this was after his departure from Basle to 
 Alsace ; yet this did not prevent his being 
 admired by all the world as another ^scu- 
 lapius. Meantime, no matter how drunk 
 he might be, he never retired to rest with- 
 out dictating to me his philosophies. Dur- 
 ing all the period I lived with him, I never 
 saw him undressed for his bed ; he wa«; 
 
 I Jean Oporinus was the private secretary to 
 Paracelsus. 
 
 always so much under the influence of 
 wine, and came in tired so late, that he 
 merely threw himself on his couch, holding 
 at his side a large sabre presented to him 
 by the public executioner. (^) During his 
 restless sleep he would rise in the midst of 
 the night and whirl his sword around, 
 striking strong blows on the floor and 
 against the walls, so that I often feared lest 
 he might accidentally cut my head off. 
 
 * ^ * 
 
 JEAN SECOND (EVERiERTS) 
 
 (1511 to 1536 A.D.). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Es simul medicus simul et chirurgus, 
 
 Cur ? Mittis stygium viros ad orcum 
 
 Et manu simul, simul et veneno. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Thou art physician at the same time 
 surgeon. Why ? To cut the throats of 
 men as well as to poison them. 
 
 HADRIANUS JUNIUS^ (1512 to 
 1575 A.D.). 
 
 ADAGES. 
 
 Nihil ad Medicorum arrogantiarn (nothing 
 approaches the arrogance of doctors). 
 
 Euphron, in one of his works against 
 certain pompous and arrogant personages, 
 remarks: ''Thou art a great sophist, but 
 sophistry is nothing in comparison with the 
 supercilious frown of a physician." 
 
 1 He held, it was said, enclosed in the handle 
 of this weapon the spirit of a demon, his "Azoth," 
 his most precious remedy. 
 
 2 Adrien du Jon, Dutch savant, author of 
 '• The Adages of Four Centuries."
 
 64 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 SIR FRANCIS BACON (English 
 philosopher, 1561 to 1626). 
 
 COLLECTION OF APOTHEGMS, OLD AND 
 
 NEW. 
 
 A minister being deprived of his 
 charge, on account of improper conduct, 
 said to some one that if he was prevented 
 from preaching // would cost more than a 
 hundred men^s lives. One of his enemies 
 accused him for this statement, and he was 
 brought before the Judge to answer for his 
 remark, "I have said nothing," observed 
 the clergyman, ** that I do not intend to 
 execute ; for, if they prevent me from act- 
 ing as a minister, I shall become a physi- 
 cian, and feel assured that in this capacity J 
 shall cause the death of more than a hundred 
 men. (') 
 
 Dr. Johnson remarked that there were 
 three material things touching the ills of 
 the body, to wit, the physician, patient, 
 and the disease ; he said, when either of 
 them combined, then victory was theirs — 
 not even Hercules could prevail against 
 them. If the patient and physician agreed 
 together, the disease would disappear and 
 the patient was cured ; if, to the contrary, 
 the physician and the disease agreed not, 
 in such a case the patient is beyond hope 
 of recovery ; that if the patient and disease 
 combined, adieu to the doctor. 
 
 I This anecdote has been imitated in the 
 " Recueil d' apophtegmes anciens et modernes," 
 1646. 
 
 Un Ministre protestante 
 
 Par trop aimer et trop boire 
 
 Scandalisa tant et tant 
 
 Le severe Consistoire, 
 
 Qu'on alloit proceder ale destituer, etc. 
 
 This and other extracts from Bacon's works 
 are re-translated from Baudoin, 1637, and do not 
 strictly follow the English editions; the reader is 
 referred to the latter for the original versions. 
 
 Thus medicine, we are assured, is so 
 constituted that we may say that it is more 
 treated than cultivated, and more culti- 
 vated than augmented. Observe the result 
 of all the works of which it has been the 
 object; it moves in a circle rather than ad- 
 vances forwards; for its many reflections 
 may be seen, and but few veritable addi- 
 tions can be noted. 
 
 For doctors, thanks to their magistral 
 decisions, have made us lose all the fruits 
 of tradition and things well determined by 
 experience, adding one thing, cutting off 
 another, and changing all remedies, with- 
 out following any other rule than their own 
 caprice, and making varieties of quiproquos 
 of the apothecary. 
 
 I remember a certain physician, a cele- 
 brated practitioner in England, who in 
 religion was inclined to be a Jew, and 
 who, by his prodigious reading, was a kind 
 of Arab ; he was accustomed to saymg : 
 ''Your European doctors, it is true, are 
 learned men, but do not understand how 
 to cure their patients." Again, he re- 
 marked : ''Your physicians resemble your 
 Bishops, they have the keys to confine or 
 absolve." 
 
 * .„ * 
 
 (Died 
 
 m 
 
 LATOMUS JOANNUS 
 
 1578.) 
 
 DISTICH ON JEAN MANARDI.(^) 
 
 In fovea qui te periturum dixit Aruspex 
 Non es mentitus ; conjugis ilia fuit. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The soothsayer who predicted that thou 
 wouldst perish in a hole did not deceive 
 thee; it was that of thy wife. 
 
 I A celebrated physician of Ferrara, died in 
 1537, at the age of 73 years. " This Manardi," 
 says Boyle, "was married while very old to a
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 65 
 
 GOLDAST DE HEIMINSFELD 
 
 (1576 to 1636.). 
 
 ON THE HONOR OF PHYSICIANS. 
 
 To sell rather than cure, that is medi- 
 cine ; it is nothing more than commerce. 
 
 VAVASSEUR (1605 to 1681). 
 Epigram. (') 
 
 VAVASSOR BURDELOTO ARDELIONI.f) 
 
 Fama est ignaro quondam Jove, nomina multa, 
 
 Et sumsisse sibi munera multa Deos. 
 
 Se trino imprimis jactabat stemmate Phoebus 
 
 Nam Medicus, vates. et citharsedus erat. 
 
 Ah! nimium est, inquit Superum Pater; ehgat 
 
 unum 
 De tribus, una uni sufficit ara Deo." 
 Obtrectare nefas; sed quid retineret Apollo 
 Dudum animi pendens haesit, et hxrit ad hue. 
 Burdelote, eadem sors est tua, non labor idem 
 Nempe, trium superest optio nulla tibi. 
 Negligeris Medicus, vates contemneris ; ergo 
 Vel nullus posthac, vel cilharaedus eris. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 They tell that, unknown to Jupiter, the 
 Gods took names and privileges in abund- 
 
 young girl, and his sexual excesses killed him. 
 The poets of that day indulged in much pleas- 
 antry at the doctor's expense, especially since an 
 astrologer had predicted that he would perish in 
 a hole. Manardi, in order to avoid this predic- 
 tion, avoided all moats, pits, wells, etc, not 
 dreaming of anything but the literal sense, and 
 forgetting the allegorical; but he recognized by 
 experience that it is not always the letter that 
 kills, but that the allegory sometimes inflicts the 
 fatal stroke." 
 
 1 Says Menage : "At this time we worked in 
 Holland on the book of Vavasseur. I sent the 
 printer this epigram, considering the same against 
 the Abbot Bourdelot." 
 
 2 Doctor Pierre Bourdelot played the guitar 
 charmingly. " Christina of Sweden," says one of 
 her biographers, "having fallen sick, was induced 
 
 ance. Phoebus, in particular, carried three 
 crowns at once : those of medicine, of 
 prophecy, and as a cithar player. ''Ah! 
 this is too much ! " cried the Father of the 
 Gods, '* she must choose one of three. A 
 God should be contented with a single 
 crown." Scandal is impious ; but Apollo 
 hesitated a long time what choice to make, 
 and still hesitates. Bourdelot, thou art the 
 same kind, but hast not the same diffi- 
 culty : the choice no more rests with thee. 
 Thou hast abandoned medicme, divina- 
 tion thou boldest in contempt ; hereafter, 
 thou shalt be nothing or thou shalt only be 
 a cithar player. 
 
 BOURDELOT TO VAVASSEUR THE 
 RANTER (reply). 
 
 Non Medici, non me vatis jam nomine jacto. 
 Sum fidicen ; laus haec sufiicit una mihi. 
 Hanccine, quam coluit David, ego deprecer 
 
 artem ? 
 His furias cithara flectere doctus erat. 
 /Emulus hinc, mala te quoties vexabit Erinnys, 
 Admotam propius soUicitabo chelyn. 
 Sanarunt aegrum Davidica plectra Saulem. 
 Forte mea fies tu quoque sanus ope. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 I neither desire the name of physician 
 nor soothsayer longer. I am a cithar 
 player ; that merit alone is sufficient. Why 
 cast off the art that David practiced? He 
 knew how to appease the furies by his 
 
 to call him to Sweden in 1651. The doctor's first 
 care was to make the Queen renounce all studies ; 
 and, to ridicule in her eyes the then prevailing 
 mania for erudition, he made two of his cele- 
 brated contemporaries, Meibomius and Naude, 
 sing and dance for Her Majesty's amusement. 
 One of these men was a distinguished writer on 
 music, and the other on ancient dances. The 
 treatment was a success ; the Queen followed the 
 advice of her agreeable ignoramus, as she called 
 the physician." 
 
 By his intrigues at this Swedish Court, Bourde- 
 lot was obliged to return to France, where he ob-
 
 66 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 music. I wish to emulate his example, 
 and each time thine pitiless Erinny tor- 
 ments thee I will approach and calm thy 
 spirit with mine lyre. David's mstrument 
 cured Saul sick; perhaps my talent may 
 also give thee health. 
 
 OAA/'EN (1771 to 1858). 
 Epigrams. 
 
 THE METHOD OF LIVING A LONG 
 TIME. 
 
 Si larde cujus esse senex, utaris oportet 
 Vel modico medice, vel medico modice : 
 Sumpta, cibus tanquam, l^dit medicina salutem ; 
 At sumptus prodest, ut medicina cibus. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 No doctor, no medicine, no vexation, 
 plain cooking, if you intend to live to an 
 old age. 
 
 TO A SICK MAN WHO HAD MANY 
 PHYSICIANS. 
 
 Nimquam, crede mihi, o morba curabitur seger, 
 Si multus medicis creditur una febris. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Why precipitate thine end? Is one 
 pliysician not enough to die with ? 
 
 ON MEDICINE AND JURISPRUDENCE. 
 
 When true frugality with us remains, 
 
 And probity society props, 
 The world will all be free from pains, 
 
 Lawyers and doctors close their shops. 
 
 tained the Abbey of Massay, and took the title 
 of Abbot, by which name he is best known. "It 
 was this man," according to Touchard Lafosse, 
 " who favorized the libertinage of Princess Chris- 
 tina, and secretly treated her to prevent the con- 
 sequence of her amours. It was she who gave 
 him a hundred thousand crowns and obtained 
 him his position in France. Most services ren- 
 dered to the great are shameful, although the 
 recompense is increased with the rank of the sub- 
 ject benefitted." 
 
 ON DOCTORS AND LAWYERS. 
 
 Furtum non facies ; Juristae scribitur haec lex ; 
 Haec, non occides; pertinet ad Medicum. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The commandment thou shalt not steal 
 is addressed to lawyers ; thou shalt not kill 
 is intended for doctors. 
 
 TO A DOCTOR. 
 
 Thine patients should be much pleased 
 with thee, since thou treatest them with 
 such diligence. Thine first prescription 
 does the work, and they do not suffer long 
 thereafter. 
 
 * * * 
 STEPHANUS CASTRIENS (Later 
 
 Latin writer). 
 
 EPITAPH 
 
 On a physician, who, purging all his pa- 
 tients with a powder composed of tartar, 
 scammony and antimony, died from taking 
 his own remedy : 
 
 Nondum pulvis eram, pulvere pessimo 
 Demens conjicior pulverem in ultimum. 
 Quod si non fieret. pulvere pessimo 
 Plures conjicerim pulverim, in ultimum. 
 Evenit misero sic mihi talio. 
 Si nondum medicus pulvereus cavet, 
 Hospes tu medicum pulvereum cave. 
 Gaudent tartareo pulvere Tartara, 
 Hunc escam, moneo, Dsemonium voca, 
 Quam dat scammonium, quam stibium tibi. 
 
 * * * 
 
 LEODEGAR. 
 
 TO A DOCTOR. 
 
 Consilio atque armis multorum adjutus Achilles 
 In bellis fudit millia multa virum, 
 Tu sine consilio, nullis adjutus et armis, 
 Interimis ; virtus major Achille tua est. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 With the advice and help of numerous 
 companions, Achilles, in his combats, put
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 67 
 
 many thousands of men to death ; but 
 thou, in order to kill as many, hadst no 
 need of advice nor assistance. Hast not 
 thine valor, dear doctor, surpassed that of 
 Achilles ? 
 
 * * * 
 
 BAPTISTA MANTUANUS. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Sunt et equestre genus Medici qui tangere venas 
 Nonnunquam illicitas audent, et ponere quaedam 
 Non intellectis temeraria nomina morbis. 
 His et si tenebras palpant, et facta potestas 
 Excruciandi segros, hominesque impune necandi. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 We see physicians, disporting them- 
 selves on horseback, who neither fear 
 opening the wrong vein, nor giving without 
 knowledge a name to diseases, where only 
 Gout is present. Under the shadows of 
 darkness, it is only they that have the right 
 torture the sick and kill the living with im- 
 punity. 
 
 * 
 ZAMORENSIUS. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Physicians are so self-interested that 
 they would wish the world burned — pro- 
 vided they have the ashes. 
 
 PERISALTUS FAUSTINUS. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Fecerit et postquam quidquid jubet ipsa medendi 
 Norma, nisi valeat subitoque revixerit seger, 
 Murmurat insipiens vulgus, linguaque procaci 
 Eloquitur de te convitia talia jactans : 
 " Hei mihi quam stultum est Medicorum credere 
 
 nugis 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 When the physician has done all that 
 rules of his art permit, if the patient be not 
 restored to life and health, then the vulgar, 
 in their stupidity, commence to murmur 
 and cry aloud, overcome by their injury : 
 " What folly to believe in the fiddle-faddle 
 of doctors ! " 
 
 * 
 UZENTIUS MAXIMILIEN. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Chirurgus medico quo differt ? Scilicet illis ; 
 Enecat his succis, enecat ille manu. 
 Carnifici hoc ambo tantum differe videntur, 
 Tardius hi faciunt quod facit ille cito. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 In what does a physician differ from a 
 surgeon? One kills with poison, the other 
 with steel. The only difference between 
 the executioners is that the latter operates 
 quickly and the others are slow deaths.
 
 68 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors, 
 
 ANONYMOUS WRITERS. 
 
 Epigrams. 
 
 Non clystere usus Phiscon tetigitve, sed ejus 
 Nomen ut in febre commemini perii. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Phiscon neither gave me a clyster, nor 
 has he even touched me ; but I had a 
 fever, recalled his name, and died. 
 
 * ^. * 
 
 Qui fuerat Chiron ceperat esse Charon. (') 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Who was Chiron has become Charon. 
 
 Impediunt certe medicamina plura salutem ; 
 Non plures Medici, sed satis unus erit. 
 Nunquam, crede mihi, a morbo levabitur ?eger, 
 Si' multis Medicis creditur una salus. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 In order to cure, nothing is so effective 
 as to take many medicines; but it is useless 
 to take many doctors ; one only is suffi- 
 cient. Believe me, nothing so embarrasses 
 a patient as to confide his health to a mul- 
 titude of physicians. 
 
 Qui plerumque ipso facitis medicamine morbum 
 Et diro ante diem aegrotos dimittitis orco 
 Scilicet hoc vobis indulsit opinio rerum 
 Una potens, clades inferre impune per orbem 
 Mercedemque alieno obitu, laudemque parare ! 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 It is you doctors who, most frequently, 
 
 I The connection between Chrion, the medical 
 Centaur, and Charon^ the ferryman, is obvious. 
 
 create the disease with your remedies, and 
 thus give the patient a premature death. It 
 is this opinion, this singular power, that 
 has given you the right to carry desolation 
 over the world with impunity, and draw 
 profit and glory from the death of others. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Jul . . occubuit tandem, res mira tot inter 
 Carnifices, furcus vix potuisse mori. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Julia finally succumbed ; it was not 
 a wonder, since among so many exe- 
 cutioners a thief would have died. 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 AGAINST EUNOMUS. 
 
 Languentum Caium, moriturum dixerat olim 
 
 Eunomus ; evasit fate ope non Medici. 
 
 Paullo post ipsum vidit aut vidisse putavit 
 
 Pallentem, et multa mortis in effigie 
 
 Quis tu ? Caius? Ait, vivis ne ? Hie abnuit. 
 
 Atquid 
 Nunc aegis hie? Jussu Ditis, ait, venio. 
 Ut quia notitiam rerumque hominumque tenerem, 
 Accirem Medicos. Eunomus obriguit. 
 Tum Caius ; Metuas nihil, Eunome, dico ego et 
 
 omnes 
 Nullum, qui saperet, dicere te Medicum. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Caius was seriously ill ; Eunomus de- 
 clared he would die ; the patient escaped, 
 thanks to chance and not the physician. 
 Shortly afterwards Eunomus met him, or 
 rather he believed he saw a ghost, pale 
 with death on its face. " Is it thou, Caius?
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 69 
 
 Dost thou still live ? " said he. '' No," re- 
 sponded the latter. *' Where comest thou 
 from, Caius — what wil'st thou here ? " And 
 Caius answered, '* I come on the order of 
 Pluto ; I am charged to carry doctors back 
 with me." Eunomus was frightened until 
 Caius said : " Rest assured and fear noth- 
 ing ; I declare, and nobody will contradict 
 me, it is necessary to be a doctor." 
 
 * * * 
 
 Stercus et urina, haec Medicorum fecula bina.(*) 
 
 Carnifici Medicus par est, nam csedit uterque 
 Impune et merces caedis utrique datur, 
 Judicium melius fuerit subiisse latronis 
 Gennadi Medicas quam pettisse manus. 
 Ille et enim caedes sancte execratur et odit : 
 Hie praetium capit et ducit ad Elysios. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 The doctor is like the executioner : 
 both kill with impunity and both receive 
 pay for their work. It is better to deal 
 with the brigand Gennadius than implore 
 the assistance of a physician. The former 
 
 I Rabelais treats the same subject in a passage 
 in his " Pantagruel," i.e.: 
 
 " Stercus et urina Medici sunt prandia prima 
 Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana." 
 
 Or, translated, excrement and urine are the best 
 meals for a doctor ; one in the straw, the other in 
 the grain. "You take this badly! "said Ron- 
 dibilis. The subsequent verse is thus : 
 
 "Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna." 
 
 To us these are the symptoms, and are repasts 
 most worthy of you. 
 
 In the " Serees " of Guillaume Bouchet we 
 find a distich of the same sort, which alludes to 
 Hippocrates tasting his patients' excrements, but 
 we must omit the English rendering. 
 
 " Quum dicam culo merdam segrotante cacatam 
 Non ementito merdicus ore vocor." 
 
 The play of words is here placed on " merdi- 
 cus" and " medicus." 
 
 at least detests his crimes and curses them ; 
 the doctor derives therefrom a profit and 
 glory. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Si vis curari, sed morbo nescio quali, 
 
 Accipias herbam ; sed qualem nescio vel quam, 
 
 Ponas nescio quo, curabere, nescio quando. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 If you would be cured, I know not of 
 what malady, take I know not of what 
 herb, put it I know not where ; you will 
 be cured I know not when. 
 
 * * * 
 Automno segrotos qui plures sustulit uno 
 Quam folia Automni frigore lapsa cadunt, 
 Languebat medicus Themison, et flamina vitae 
 Praecipit ; ardebat scindere Parca manu 
 Corripuit dextra fusci regnator Averni, 
 Iratusque Deae talia voce dedit : 
 
 Tunc ilium stygias toties qui mittit ad undas 
 Millia tot hominem toUere stulta vales ? 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 In a single autumn he killed more sick 
 than the cold kills of leaves at the ap- 
 proach of winter. So Themison himself, 
 in turn, fell ill and thought his end near ; 
 but the King of Hell seized Parc^ by the 
 hand and said with irritated voice : " How ? 
 Here is a man who has oftentimes sent 
 many thousands of men into our kingdom ; 
 do you wish him to die? Thou art a 
 fool ! " 
 
 * * * 
 
 BROCARD AGAINST PHYSICIANS. 
 
 Le gros excrements et Purine, 
 Ce sont des mets tres precieux 
 
 Pour les Docteurs en medecine 
 
 Puisqu' il les flairent en tous lieux. 
 
 RESPONSE OF THE DOCTORS. 
 Sunt nobis signa, at vobis sunt fercula digna.
 
 70 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 APHORISMS ON PHYSICIANS' FEES. 
 
 Exige dum dolor est, nam postquam cura. 
 Audebit sanus dicere ; multa dedi. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Require money during illness; with 
 health your client will only say, " I have 
 given you much already." 
 
 * 
 Dum dolet infirmus, medicus sit pignore firmus ; 
 Ars quae non venditur vilipenditur. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 While the patient is still feeble, then 
 should he be made to pay fees; they 
 always have a contempt for what they have 
 not paid. 
 
 Exige dum dolet; post curam medicus olet.(') 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Make thy pay while the patient suffers ; 
 after recovery the doctor smells. 
 
 * o. * 
 
 Empta solet care multos medicina juvare; 
 Si data sit gratis nil confert utilitatis. 
 
 IMITATION. 
 
 Dearly-purchased remedies ordinarily 
 
 I This aphorism is imitated from that of Hip- 
 pocrates, who says: '*Accipi dum dolet, quia 
 sanus solvere nolet," or, in English, ''Receive 
 ihy fees while the patient is sick ; cured he will 
 no longer pay thee." 
 
 Enricus Cordus has expressed the same idea, 
 only in a more original way : 
 
 Ties medicus fades habet, unam quando rogatur, 
 Angelicum: mox est cum juvat ipse Deus. 
 I'ost ubi curato poscit sua praemia morbo, 
 1 lorridus apparet terribilis que Satan. 
 
 cure our patients ; when given for nothing 
 they have no effect. 
 
 * ^ * 
 
 Tunc dicunt medici : da, da,(*) 
 Cum dicit languidis : ha! ha! 
 
 IMITATION. 
 When the patient cries, Eh? Eh? 
 The doctor should remark, pay ! pay ! 
 
 * :ic * 
 LATIN PROVERBS AND SENTENCES. 
 
 Medice, cura te ipsuni. Physician, heal 
 thyself. 
 
 Post-mortem medicus. After death, the 
 doctor. 
 
 Arrka mortis medici pretium. Fees to 
 the physician, pledges to the dead. 
 
 Multi nomine medici, re perpauci. We 
 count many doctors by name, but few in 
 fact. 
 
 Invidia medicorum pessima. It is among 
 physicians that the sentiment of envy is 
 most developed. 
 
 Nihil prceter medicorum arrogantiam. 
 Nothing equals the arrogance of doctors. 
 
 Ubi tres medici duo athei. There are 
 two atheists out of three doctors. 
 
 Solis medicis licet impune occidere. Doc- 
 tors are the only persons who may kill with 
 impunity. 
 
 Medicina turpis disciplina. Medicine is 
 a shameful science. 
 
 He hath a physician's complexion. 
 
 Thou liest like a doctor ! 
 
 I These last distichs are imperfect, and are 
 only reproduced because found among the others.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 KRKNCH AUTHORS. 
 
 FABLES OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY. 
 
 It is said that Hippocrates, before 
 having the celebrated reputation which im- 
 mortalized him since, having arrived in 
 Rome in the time of Augustus, found, on 
 his entrance, the whole city in mourning 
 on account of the death of the Emperor's 
 nephew ; but that, being led to the palace, 
 he poured a few drops of some plant's 
 juice into the Prince's mouth, whereat the 
 latter came to life. The Fabulist adds that 
 Augustus, recognizing the greatness of this 
 art, immediately ordered two statues, one 
 representing his nephew, the other in the 
 image of Hippocrates, the which were 
 placed at the city's gates with an inscrip- 
 tion announcing that Hippocrates, by his 
 divine knowledge, had revived the dead 
 Prince. (') 
 
 After this physician had lived in Rome 
 a few months, honored by the Emperor to 
 
 I It is difficult to show a more profound con- 
 tempt for chronology and history than is evi- 
 denced by this fable. It was to Antonius Musa 
 that the Athenians raised a statue, as this physi 
 clan saved the life of the Emperor Augustus ; but, 
 later, this same physician was held responsible for 
 the death of Marcellus, the Emperor's nephew, 
 and his statue torn down by the enraged popu- 
 lace. Hippocrates could not have participated in 
 such an affair, as he died more thatifour hundred 
 years prior to this time. If the poetical author of 
 this fable chose the father of medicine for this 
 story, it was to increase, by the gravity of the 
 personages named, the ridiculous comedy of the 
 situation. 
 
 whom he had rendered such great service 
 and adored by the people as a God, a 
 woman suddenly appeared upon the scene 
 and turned the adulation into laughing 
 ridicule. She was Gallic, of illustrious 
 birth and a rare beauty. Augustus, who 
 sought to treat her with distinction, had 
 given, to serve her, maids, and one of his 
 palaces having a tower. She desired to 
 know the beauties of the city, and her first 
 moments of leisure were employed in 
 glancing over the landscape; and one day, 
 noticing the two statues, she asked why 
 and on what occasion they had been 
 erected. This being explained to her, and 
 also being told of the inscription, she broke 
 out into peals of mocking laughter and 
 exclaimed: ''I was ignorant up to this 
 moment that Rome possessed a God, and 
 am astonished to know that the people still 
 die. Give me this little God for one day 
 only, and I swear on my head he shall no 
 longer make fools of humanity." Accord- 
 ing to usage, some one duly carried this 
 remark to Hippocrates. Curiosity and 
 selfconceit were aroused in the physician, 
 and he wished to meet this singular woman 
 who announced with so much assurance 
 the power of her beauty, and so sought the 
 occasion for an interview. But this was a 
 misfortune, and what she had predicted 
 was only too soon verified ; for she was so 
 charming, so diplomatic in conversation,
 
 72 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 so full of grace and sportiveness, and 
 pleased him so much, finally, that in spite 
 of her defiance, which should have put him 
 on his guard, he fell desperately in love. 
 Soon this passion became so strong that, 
 losing his reason and repose, he fell ill. 
 The Emperor came to visit him. Ladies 
 of the Court followed the example of His 
 Majesty, and even the fair stranger called; 
 but the latter had divined by womanly 
 instinct the nature of the physician's afflic- 
 tion, and was careful to make her visit at 
 the moment when they should be alone ; 
 and, in a tone of amity, she asked the phy- 
 sician some questions relative to his condi- 
 tion. He was only too happy for the 
 opportunity to unbosom himself and avow 
 the cause of his troubles, and naively con- 
 fessed he was dying for love of her. This 
 was all she desired ; so, affecting a tender- 
 ness of manner and anxiety as to his woes, 
 and with every appearance of good faith, 
 she spoke to him thus : " I should expose 
 myself to reproach, without doubt, if, being 
 able to save a man of your merit, I should 
 cause his death ; but, while you have in- 
 spired in me all the love you feel for me, I 
 will ask you, in the situation where I find 
 myself, and with the number of eyes con- 
 stantly watching my movements, how it is 
 possible that I can give you any proof of 
 my esteem ? Deign but for a short time to 
 be content with my regrets, and, with the 
 assurance of the desire that I have to pro- 
 long your days, receive that which I shall 
 give you by agreeing in advance to supply 
 me with all the means that your tenderness 
 can imagine." 
 
 She left him after thus speaking, as 
 though blushing at her unmaidenly re- 
 marks. As for Hippocrates, he was filled 
 with hope and health, and was soon in a 
 ' onditition to repair to the palace, there to 
 resume his courtship of the beautiful Gaul. 
 
 "Ah!" said she, the first time they met 
 again, ''you have found means to reproach 
 me ? Have you found some way by which 
 we can meet unknown to the world ? What 
 can we do ? " And he responded, sadly : 
 " Day and night I dream of you, but, up 
 to this moment, I have discovered no ex- 
 pedient." Then she sighed and said softly: 
 "Then you may thank me, since, having 
 more ardor than yourself, I have in my 
 search found a place of happiness. You 
 know the tower of my house ; come under 
 its walls at night in a basket large enough 
 to contain your body. I, for my part, 
 while my maids are asleep, will come with 
 my young lady cousin, who I know will 
 serve in our interests ; we will let down a 
 rope from the tower, that you must fasten 
 to the basket ; as soon as you are in the 
 basket we will lift you up to the tower, 
 and then, without any intrusion or fear, I 
 shall give you a lasting proof of my tender- 
 ness." 
 
 Hippocrates was so blinded by his 
 passion that this stupid snare to him ap- 
 peared the most adroit of stratagems. He 
 overwhelmed the charmer with thanks, and 
 left in haste to buy a large basket, awaiting 
 afterwards with burning impatience the 
 coming of the night. 
 
 Soon, when he deemed all the world 
 asleep, he made his way to the foot of the 
 tower with his basket, and found — imagine 
 his joy 1 — the cord hanging from the wall. 
 He was soon drawn up almost to the top, 
 when the lady fair fastened the rope and 
 he remained suspended in mid air. She 
 laughed at him from above, and, wishing 
 him peaceful slumbers and happy dreams, 
 retired to her room in the palace. 
 
 Now, in those days at Rome, they had 
 a particular custom ; it was this : certain 
 crimes, which were not esteemed to merit 
 death, caused the culprits to be suspended
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 73 
 
 for a whole day in a basket from a tower, 
 and these baskets were known as Judgment 
 baskets. 
 
 When Hippocrates saw the trap into 
 which he had fallen he became desperate, 
 and cursed his unholy passion a thousand 
 times, and likewise despised all woman 
 kind ; but it was too late, and he was 
 obliged to pass the night in this uncomfort- 
 able situation. Day appeared and dawned 
 upon his opf 11 bhaiiie. iii vain he hid his 
 face with his hands — all the world recog 
 nized him ; during the whole day he was 
 exposed to the gibes and hootings of the 
 populace. The guards on the tower sup- 
 posed the great physician was hung out by 
 order of the Emperor, and refused to lower 
 the basket. In the evening Augustus hap- 
 pily returned, and, surprised at seeing some 
 one hanging from the tower without his 
 orders, demanded who it might be. When 
 they told him Hippocrates, he immediately 
 ordered the basket to be lowered, announc- 
 ing, in wrath, that the physician should be 
 avenged. But, when he learned the true 
 cause of this mockery and why his physi- 
 cian was thus served, he laughed so long 
 and loud that the echoes of his merri- 
 ment resounded from the many Roman 
 hills. (') 
 
 -k. 
 
 FROISSART (1327 to 1410). 
 
 CHRONICLES. 
 
 And thus, little by little, by the grace 
 of God, the King slowly convalesced until 
 
 I An ivory tablet, belonging to the Abbey 
 Saint Germain des Pres, reproduces the subject of 
 this fable. Hippocrates, hat on head, is seen sus- 
 pended in a basket from a tower, the fair dame 
 and her young cousin smiling from above , below 
 is noticed the Emperor, ordering his servants to 
 lower the basket. See " Antiquite expliquee " of 
 Montfaucon. 
 
 in good health ; and when Guillaunie de 
 Harselli, his physician, saw His Majesty 
 restored, he was joyous, and with reason, 
 too, inasmuch as he had made a cure; 
 and there entered the Duke of Orleans and 
 the King's uncles, Berry, Bourgogne, and 
 Bourbon, and the physician said to them : 
 *' God be thanked, the King is well again. 
 I return him to your keeping." 
 
 Now, it was deemed wise to retain the 
 services of Guillaume in the Royal house- 
 hold, and give him enough to content him 
 for life ; for this is the usual reward that 
 physicians have who derive revenues from 
 great lords and grand ladies and those of 
 the other nobility they visit. And the 
 physician was implored to remain in His 
 Majesty's service ; but he excused himself 
 and said that he was already an old man, 
 feeble and impotent, and that he was un- 
 able to submit to Court rules of etiquette, 
 and that he wished to return to his native 
 place. When they saw that it could not 
 be otherwise, and not wishing to anger 
 him, they permitted him to depart, and on 
 his leaving presented him with a thousand 
 crowns in gold. And they presented him 
 with four horses and a chariot, to be used 
 at any time he desired to visit the Royal 
 Palace ; but he only called on the King 
 once afterwards, I believe, for he went to 
 Laon, where he usually dwelt, and died a 
 very rich man. He was a true medical 
 financier, as he left thirty thousand francs. 
 He was one of the meanest and most avari- 
 cious men I ever knew, and all his pleasure 
 consisted in counting his money. At his 
 home he only spent two Paris sous a day, 
 but would visit and eat and drink as much 
 as he could carry. All doctors are much 
 like him. 
 
 * ^ :!i
 
 74 
 
 The lEvil that has heen said of Doctors. 
 
 OLIVIER BASSELIN (Fifteenth cen- 
 tury). 
 
 VAN DE VIRE.(') 
 
 One of my neighbors sick was lying, 
 
 Gasping with weak and feverish breath. 
 ♦* Alas ! they'll kill me," said he sighing, 
 
 " Forbidding wine, and barley water's death. 
 
 " Alas! my thirst is great, annoying; 
 I'd like one drink before I die ; 
 Neighbor, with you one glass enjoying — 
 Pray quickly to the vintner's hie. 
 
 " Dear friend my wish don't be denying, 
 Always to me you've been a brother; 
 Now for the wine in haste go flying, 
 We'll take one parting glass together. 
 
 ** Since Doctor's made me quit a-drinking 
 
 My flask I've left you in my will. 
 
 These doctors, I can't help a-thinking, 
 
 Don't cure as often as they kill." 
 
 Thus spoke my neighbor sick and weary. 
 
 Of wine we drank full bottles five. 
 The lever left him blithe and cheery ; 
 
 He's still a-drinking, and alive. 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 * 
 
 PHILIPPE DE COMMINES (1447 
 to 1509). 
 
 MEMOIRS. — LIV VI., CHAPTER XII. 
 
 He had his medical attendant, who 
 was called Master Jacques Cottier, to 
 whom, in five months' time, he gave fifty- 
 four thousand crowns, and the Bishopric of 
 Amiens for his nephew, and other offices 
 and lands to the physician's friends. The 
 doctor was very rude to him, and one 
 polite would not have used towards his 
 valet such harsh words, and My Lord 
 feared his medical attendant so much that 
 
 I This song has been translated before in an 
 English version of " Le Moyen Age Medical" of 
 Dr. Edmond Dupouy, published in 1889 in the 
 Cincinnati Lancet-Clinic by t. c. m. 
 
 he dared not discharge him, and he com- 
 plained to all those who conversed on the 
 subject, but yet did not exchange him as 
 he would have done with other servants, 
 for the doctor always said to him most im- 
 pudently : '* I know full well you will dis- 
 charge me some morning; but by 
 
 (here he swore a wicked oath) you will not 
 live eight days after I have gone." These 
 words so frightened My Lord that he only 
 flattered and gave the physician more 
 gifts, so that earth was an eternal Purga- 
 tory to His Lordship, seeing the great 
 obedience and respect he had received 
 from good and wise men. 
 
 * * * 
 PIERRE BLANCHET (about 1400). 
 
 LA FARCE DE MAISTRE PATHELIN. 
 
 Pathelin : 
 
 These doctors they have slain me! 
 
 Through their vile drugs I relax ! 
 My belief is, though it pain thee. 
 They mould mankind like wax. 
 
 (Version of Ed. Fournier.) 
 
 * * * 
 
 RABELAIS (1494 to 1553). 
 
 GARGANTUA. 
 
 Here note that his dinner was sober 
 and frugal, for he only eat to prevent the 
 gnawings of his stomach ; but his supper 
 was copious and large, for he then took as 
 much as was necessary to maintain and 
 nourish him. This then is the true diet 
 prescribed by the art of good and safe 
 physic, though a mob of blockhead doc- 
 tors, befuzzled in the fooleries of Sophis- 
 ters advise to the contrary. 
 
 PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 He came to Montpellier, where he met 
 the good wines of Mirevaulx and joyous 
 company, and thought to study medicine;
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 75 
 
 But he considered the profession injurious, 
 owing to its melancholy features, and that 
 doctors smelt of clysters like old devils. 
 
 PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 He found the library of Saint Victor 
 very magnificent, especially in books, 
 which might be enumerated as follows : 
 "The Bumsquibcracker of the Apothe- 
 caries," ''The Kissbreech of Chirurgery," 
 "The Cacatorum Medicorum."(0 
 
 PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 I do not remember to have seen you 
 before now since you played at MontpeUier 
 with our ancient friends, Saporta, Guy 
 Bouguier, Balthazar Noyer, Toilet, Jean 
 Quentin, Francois Robinet, Jean Perdrier, 
 and Francois Rabelais ; when we acted the 
 moral comedy of him who married a dumb 
 woman. Q " I was there," quoth Episte- 
 mon. "The good man, her husband, 
 wished she might speak. He dwelt on the 
 arts of medicine and surgery and wished to 
 have the tongue string cut. Speech re- 
 covered, she spoke so much that her hus- 
 band returned to the physicians for some 
 remedy to prevent her garrulity. The 
 physicians said that while medicine had 
 
 1 The author of "The True Rabelais" (1697), 
 probably Jean Bernier, himself a physician, is not 
 very tender towards his professional brothers. 
 Among other pleasantries addressed them in this 
 work we cull the following: "A physician, 
 Medicus, is a beggar Medicus." He translates 
 the R of recipe, placed at the head of a prescrip- 
 tion, "Take all you can." Apropos to "Caca- 
 torum Medicorum," he remarks: "This book 
 being the most famous one in the whole of medi- 
 cal literature, yet we might substitute ' Com- 
 placentiae Medicor.' For it is more in the pot and 
 in clysters that physicians find the silver mines of 
 Peru." 
 
 2 Rabelais here alludes to his farce of the 
 " Dumb Wife," in which he was the principal 
 actor. 
 
 means to make a woman talk, it had no 
 remedy to make her hold her tongue. The 
 only remedy would be to make the hus- 
 band deaf. The old man became so deaf 
 that he knew not what charms he had lost. 
 His wife, seeing that he no longer listened, 
 became enraged. The physicians demand- 
 ed their fees, and the husband was so deaf 
 he could not hear their demands." 
 
 PANTAGRUEL. 
 
 Theologians are appointed to guard our 
 souls, who for the most part are heretics. 
 Our bodies are kept by physicians, who 
 all abhor and never take medicine them- 
 selves. We employ lawyers to look after 
 our worldly goods, who never litigate with 
 each other. 
 
 PANTAGRUELISMS. 
 
 Hippocrates very properly compares 
 the practice of medicine to a combat and 
 farce played by three actors — the patient, 
 the doctor, and the disease. 
 
 It is difficult to conceive how a physi- 
 cian who neglects his own health can care 
 for the health of others properly. 
 
 " Have a care, gentlemen ! " said Pan- 
 tagruel. "This great Brignenarilles, the 
 swallower of whole windmills, is dead. 
 He died suffocated and strangled by a 
 lump of butter prescribed for him by the 
 doctors. "(^) 
 
 I These extracts are not translated at length 
 from the original for the reason that as several 
 excellent English versions of " Rabelais" are ex- 
 tant, and as the work is much given to medicine, 
 it should be on every doctor's bookshelf, 
 
 * * *
 
 76 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 ANONYMOUS (about i486). 
 
 Death : 
 
 LA GRANDE DANSE MACABRE. 
 
 Physicians, urine boilers all, 
 
 You see that here I reign. 
 Death, Ancient Medicine, I call ! 
 
 Ee'n to command I deign. 
 Come ! 'tis Death doth thus command. 
 
 You've others slain, 'tis sure ; 
 My orders ne'er you'll countermand ; 
 
 Doctors themselves can't cure. 
 
 The Doctor: Long time to the art of 
 physic I have appUed all my study. I 
 have had science and practice to cure each 
 disease, but I know that there is no herb 
 nor root nor other remedy against Death. 
 
 CLEMENT MAROT (1495 to 1544). 
 
 ESPISTRE AU ROY POUR AVOIT ESTE 
 DESROBE. 
 
 Et pour autant, Sire, que(') je suis a vous, 
 
 De trois jours I'un viennent taster mon poux 
 
 Messieurs Braillon, le Coq, Akaquia(=) 
 
 Pour me garder d'aller jusqu' a quia. 
 
 Tout consulte ont remis au Printemps 
 
 Ma guerison ; mais a ce que j'entens. 
 
 Si je ne puis au Printemps arriver, 
 
 Je suis raille de mourir en Yver ; 
 
 Et en danger, si en Yver je meurs, 
 
 De ne voir pas les premiers raisins meurs. 
 
 1 Equivalent to as true as. 
 
 2 Three amorous doctors of that period. The 
 most celebrated, Martin Akakia, was physician to 
 Francis I. Voltaire has immortalized his name 
 in giving it to the pretended " physician to the 
 Pope," who defends his companions in his in- 
 genious diatribe against " the native of Malo," 
 otherwise known as Maupertuis. This physician 
 bore the name of Malicen, but finding this name 
 ridiculous, he turned it into Greek and called 
 himself Akakia. The savants of that time, be- 
 sides, were accustomed to Latinize their names, 
 thus, Jean Loisel was termed Avis, Dubois was 
 was known as Sylvius, etc., etc. 
 
 BERNARD DE PALISSY (1510 to 
 1590)- 
 
 TREATISE ON POTABLE GOLD. 
 
 In a small village of Poitou there was 
 once a physician with about as little skill 
 as any man in the Province, yet he was 
 shrewd and made the population perfectly 
 worship his talent. He had a secret study 
 near the door of his house, and through 
 the key-hole he saw those who brought 
 him urine for examination. His wife, who 
 connived with him in his trickery and was 
 instructed how to act, always seated herself 
 on a chair near the study, and interrogated 
 the messenger carrying the urine, telling 
 him that her husband was out visiting pa- 
 tients, and then inquiring how long the 
 servants master had been ill, the date ot 
 the illness, what portions of the body were 
 afflicted, thus securing all the symptoms 
 and effects of the malady. While the mes- 
 senger, having responded to these queries, 
 was waiting, the physician, who had heard 
 all, would quietly slip out a back door and 
 enter at the front of the house. Then the 
 wife would say to the messenger: ''This is 
 my husband, you may speak to him now 
 that he has arrived." 
 
 The messenger would then hand the 
 physician the patient's urine, which the 
 doctor would examine with a critical and 
 learned eye, and, after discoursing on the 
 nature of the disease, following the line 
 laid down by the messenger's previous 
 answers heard through the key-hole, w^ould 
 make a wonderful diagnosis and progno- 
 sis. When the messenger returned home 
 to the patient and recounted the doctor's 
 wonderful medical acumen, it sounded like 
 a miracle, that one should know the nature 
 of a disease and all its particulars by 
 merely looking at a specimen of urine, so 
 that by this means the physician obtained
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 77 
 
 an enormous reputation and increased his 
 wealth largely from day to day. 
 
 FOUNTAIN WATER. 
 
 Once on a time there was a physician 
 who saw but few patients and fewer fees, 
 and so, in order to secure practice, he 
 threw some tasteless drugs in the wells of 
 his neighbors in the town he inhabited, 
 which caused all those who drank the 
 water to have a diarrhoea, that tormented 
 them greatly and led them to seek a phy- 
 sician's aid ; those who consulted our 
 worthy friend were given very valuable 
 and high-priced remedies ; they were told 
 to drink good wine and eschew water for 
 some weeks, and, thanks to this subterfuge, 
 the before-named young doctor secured 
 the practice of the village, his medical 
 rivals not being able to restrain their pa- 
 tients' diarrhoeas so long as the latter drank 
 water, which they advised, inasmuch as 
 the new comer had given the opposite 
 counsel. 
 
 * * 
 
 ESTIENNE HENRI (1528 to 1598). 
 
 A SHARP PHYSICIAN. 
 
 I will tell you a story I once heard at 
 my father's house in Paris while in good 
 company, for we had with us a jolly phy- 
 sician, a man of fine reputation, who spoke 
 as follows: "I once attended a big iat 
 priest, and did my medical duty so well 
 that in a very few days he recovered. 
 Now, during the period he was ill, he 
 promised me birds and dogs, but the mo- 
 ment he commenced to convalesce he was 
 forgetful, even so far as not to thank me 
 for my trouble in his behalf. Now I shall 
 tell you how I forced him to pay me. 
 Before leaving him I warned him that I 
 feared he might have a relapse, and gave 
 him a remedy to take two days after my 
 
 last visit. Two hours after taking this 
 remedy he found, to his cost, that he 
 needed a physician worse than ever before 
 in his life. Finding himself in a dangerous 
 state, he sent one messenger after another 
 to find me ; but I always forgot to make 
 the visit, as he had forgotten to pay me. 
 Finally, he sent a trusted servant with a 
 handful of money, who said that his master 
 prayed me, for God's sake, to call immedi- 
 ately, as he thought he could not live much 
 longer without my aid. This servant had 
 brought what was needed. I visited the 
 priest, and three days later he was well. 
 And I ? Well, I received another handful 
 of money." 
 
 AN AVARICIOUS DJCTOR. 
 
 Let me speak of a physician whose 
 avarice exceeded that of any medical man 
 I have ever met ; I need not go long back 
 to find him, since his name was Jacob 
 Sylvius. God gave to this person a very 
 profound knowledge of medicine, and had 
 especially endowed him with the gift of 
 language, for his Latin was most pure and 
 beautiful; besides, he had all the special 
 graces of theory as he had in practice, and 
 was even called a second Galen. This 
 man so let the spirit of avarice overcome 
 him that he forgot God, in place of honor- 
 ing him, and the great gifts derived from 
 on High. He had many students, only 
 five or six among the number being in- 
 structed gratis, the rest — there were several 
 hundreds — paying him each a crown a 
 month ; but he took it so to heart that the 
 few poor students paid him nought, that 
 one day, at his lectures in Paris, he noticed 
 among the students two of these poverty- 
 stricken scholars who had not paid, and 
 ordered them from the lecture-room ; see- 
 ing they were unwilling to do so, he said 
 to his other auditors that if they did not
 
 78 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 put these non-paying parties out he would 
 no longer lecture. What I have recounted 
 is not hearsay, for I was an eyewitness to 
 this scene. One of these poor scholars 
 afterwards made the famous epitaph on 
 Sylvius in such charming verses and grace- 
 ful lines, that certain it is that the un- 
 bounded avarice of Jacob Sylvius could 
 not be better described. The lines read 
 thus : 
 
 Sylvius hie situs est, gratis qui nil dedit un- 
 
 quam ; 
 Mortuus et gratis quod legis ista, dolet.(*) 
 
 This person, aside from his avarice, had 
 the misfortune of also being jealous of all 
 other doctors, as was noticeable on the 
 occasion when he delivered his first lecture 
 after being made professor by the King ; 
 for he reminded his hearers that there was 
 no science equal to medicine, properly 
 practiced, but that it was a great folly for 
 poor men to undertake its study, alleging, 
 among other things, that passage from 
 Juvenal : 
 
 Haud temere emergunt quorum virtutibus 
 
 obstat. 
 Res augusta domi.(») 
 
 These ignorant and impudent doctors 
 sometimes practice deceit with the apothe- 
 
 1 Here lies great Sylvius, who never gratis 
 
 gave, 
 He'd charge for reading these lines on his 
 grave. 
 
 An imitation in French, by Guillaume Colle- 
 tet, reads as follows : 
 
 De r avare Dubois la science feconde 
 
 Ne donna rien pour rien tant qu' il vecut au 
 
 monde, 
 Et si son corps s'anime encore pour le bien, 
 II est sous ce tombeau qui murmure et qui gronde 
 De quoi tu lis ces vers sans qu'il t'en coute rien. 
 
 2 Those whose virtues meet the opposition of 
 poverty have difficulty in elevating their rank. 
 
 caries who hold the recipes of learned phy- 
 sicians, marking the prescriptions for such 
 and such a disease, without regarding 
 whether the invalid has the same tempera- 
 ment, the same age, lives in the same 
 manner, or be of the same sex, but never- 
 theless make all swallow the same medi- 
 
 cme. 
 
 IGNORANCE IS BLISS. 
 
 Barbers and surgeons are close allied. 
 One of the former once came to bleed me 
 for a catarrh, and asked me if I desired to 
 be sacrificed. ''How," said I, ''sacri- 
 ficed ? Certainly my doctor has not said 
 that?" And he answered promptly: 
 "Ah! no, your doctor did not say that, 
 but I have sacrificed so many others skil- 
 fully that I find it an easy matter." Having 
 thought to myself a moment, I knew that 
 he intended to use the word scarify and 
 not sacrifice, and told him it was not a bar- 
 ber's business to use the word sacrificcy 
 although doctors could use the same with- 
 out compunction. 
 
 NOEL DU FAIL (Sixteenth century). 
 Stories of Eutrapel. 
 
 THE APOTHECARY OF ANGERS. 
 
 " Go scratch yourself! " said Leopold, 
 "and submit to all the other miseries in- 
 flicted by our fool masters with their qui 
 pro quo, with which they abuse people and 
 their purses; for that which is worth five 
 sous they sell for twenty, not being subject 
 to police restriction as to the price of their 
 drugs. For these apothecaries have come 
 to this, that they permit only the doctors 
 to see the ingredients of the prescription 
 ordered, saying they will do wrong if they 
 show the same to their clients. But they 
 err in this as they do in the selection of
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 79 
 
 plants and grains brought for their inspec- 
 tion : if these be new they attribute to 
 them the most admirable powers and 
 properties, whereas such herbs may be per- 
 fectly worthless. Witness that druggist of 
 Lyons who lately sent to Champenois, the 
 learned apothecary of Rennes, a package 
 of black wheat (buckwheat) culled in our 
 province, Sarrazin, together with a full de- 
 scription of its marked medicinal qualities 
 and the price, which was a golden crown 
 per pound. But the fraud was fortunately 
 discovered; the packet was returned to 
 the sender, with the remark that ten thou- 
 sand rations of this rare drug could be fur- 
 nished the Lyons druggist's horse at the 
 same price, for in truth the poor of our 
 Province had used this grain for over sixty 
 years, owing to the poverty of the soil as 
 regards the raising of other grains. 
 
 RONSARD (i6th century). 
 
 ODES. 
 Dequoy sert done la niedecine 
 Et tout le gaiac estranger, 
 User d' onguens ou de racine 
 Boire bolus ou d' air changer, 
 Quand cela ne peut allonger 
 Nos jours contez ? 
 
 LES AMOURS. 
 (Sonnet.) 
 Ah ! that I should bear him envy and hate — 
 This doctor who visits her morn and night. 
 He hath no reason for staying so late, 
 
 Feeling her warm limbs, round and white. 
 
 Such as he, for her life, have no care, 
 
 Though she, thinking different, obeys his be- 
 hests. 
 
 He's wicked and handsome ; she'd best beware 
 When he speaks, softly touching her breasts. 
 
 Oh I friends who nurse her in fever, see 
 That, for my sake, he be driven afar — 
 
 This doctor who fondles my sweet Marie, 
 Too zealous by half, as such men are. 
 
 Ah ! this doctor who calls under false pretense ! 
 
 I should be happy if once assured 
 That God should choose him to recompense 
 
 With my disease ; and that she be cured. (») 
 
 TO PIERRE LESCOT. 
 
 Or, better still, by science money earn. 
 
 And knowledge by experience understand ; 
 
 And take the trade Hippocrates once did learn, 
 Like him bring honor on your Native land. 
 
 Though from Apollo his proud heritage came 
 Of wealth, high honors and poetic fire. 
 
 More lasting e'en may ever be your fame. 
 Nor leave, like him, only a mouldy lyre. 
 
 Never be idle ; learn e'en all you can, 
 
 The nature of our bodies, young and old ; 
 
 No greater calling than to succor man ; 
 Be gentle in your manners, and win gold. 
 
 EPITAPH ON RABELAIS. 
 
 Or toy, quiconque sols, qui passes, 
 Sur sa fosse repan des tasses, 
 Repan du bril et des flacons, 
 Des cervelas et des jambons, 
 Car si encor dessous la lame 
 Quelque sentiment a son ame, 
 II les aime mieux que les lis 
 Tant soient-ils fraischement cueillis. 
 
 * * * 
 
 GUILLAUME BOUCHET (152610 
 1606). 
 
 Les Soirees. 
 
 OF MEDICINE AND OF DOCTORS. 
 
 A facetious story was much talked of 
 during supper and afterwards, when doc- 
 tors and their medicines were being dis- 
 cussed. This anecdote was a merry re- 
 sponse that a doctor made to a monk who 
 was laughing at and taunting him, as from 
 times most ancient physicians have been 
 
 I This is probably an imitation of the letter 
 written by Acontius to Cydippius, found in Ovid : 
 
 *• Me miserum quod non medicorum jussa min- 
 istro," etc.
 
 8o 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 the subjects of calumny. This priest once 
 met the village doctor, and, stopping him, 
 demanded medical advice in the following 
 fashion ; "■ My dear sir, I pray you tell me 
 why it is, when I urinate, I also break 
 wind, and cannot draw water without 
 being flatulent ? " The physician, who 
 could barely endure such clerical insolence 
 and affront, seeing that the priest was 
 laughing mockingly, with an immova- 
 ble countenance replied : " Reverend 
 Sir, this is not surprising, since asses never 
 do otherwise." The whole village was 
 convulsed with laughter over this retort, 
 and thereafter the priest maintained a dig- 
 nified silence on the subject of medicine. (') 
 Latin and French epigrams without num- 
 ber were written on this story, as, for 
 instance, we quote the following : 
 
 Quod mingendo cacat, medico testante Sacerdos, 
 I lac naturam asini conditione tenet. 
 
 Un medecin par un Prestre raillard 
 Fut consulte dessus ce poinct icy, 
 Pourquoi pissant tousiours petoit aussi ; 
 Cela n' est rien, dit-il a ce petard 
 Car bien souvent les asnes font ainsi. 
 
 At this same social gathering a physi- 
 cian remarked that none of his patients 
 ever complained of him, and a friend 
 answered: '* Only too true; we believe 
 that, since you have slain them ! Yet, 
 while medicine kills people, they will still 
 continue to medicate, because, as Soph- 
 ocles observes, * The best and last physi- 
 
 I Dr. Witkowski's extracts from " Bouchet's " 
 works are too voluminous for full translation, and 
 in this, as in similar cases, only extracts are given. 
 There is much repetition of ancient authors in 
 later French writers, and wherever the same anec- 
 dotes are related it has been deemed best that 
 such matter be omitted in this epitomized version 
 of the original. 
 
 cian in disease is Death.'" To this the 
 doctor retorted: ''That one should not 
 speak evil of physicians who had never ex- 
 perimented." To which the tormentor 
 answered: *' If I had tried the experiment, 
 I should not be here to speak evil, since 
 I should have died." 
 
 **Is it not strange," said a physician, 
 ''that doctors lie so often, and that it is 
 allowable for our profession to lie? We 
 have a language and a writing different 
 from the people, and do not always speak 
 clearly when we visit our patients, who 
 chide us if we know not Greek and call 
 not diseases and remedies by unknown 
 names. Greek, Arab and Barbarian phy- 
 sicians always speak Latin before women, 
 and write in characters cabalistical, which 
 the fair sex cannot read. This is for fear 
 they may discover our recipes and no 
 longer hold our remedies in high esteem, 
 and also that our clients may have more 
 respect for our art ; since, should we call a 
 root, herb, flower or bark by its common 
 name, and in French, knowing the same 
 to be a simple and a plant growing in their 
 gardens, they would no longer have confi- 
 dence ; for, as Pliny observes, " men have 
 but little confidence in things they know," 
 while, if you speak in a strange tongue 
 and people know not your remedial agents, 
 the patients and their friends will think 
 your medicines divine and from another 
 world, the which so fortifies Nature that 
 the malady is driven away. 
 
 One of our circle who used only a 
 single medicine that he never took himself, 
 for the reason that he feared an error in 
 the prescription, remarked that the latter 
 was filled with characters denoting weight 
 and quantity ; as thus, one ounce was 
 written ^i, and may be taken for a drachm 
 when written thus, 31 ; and only a symbol
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 indicates too much or too little, and may 
 lead a man to the next day of All Saints' 
 Day, and this, too, without counting the 
 scruples on one's mind or conscience. 
 
 So it came to be remarked that if a pa- 
 tient who had taken a physic did not have 
 a. passage, it was feared he would die ; 
 either that or the medicine was not good 
 or the apothecary was to blame. Also, 
 that many of the sick watch their chambers 
 to see whether they have received value 
 for the money expended on physicians and 
 drugs. It was told, among other good 
 things, that two doctors, visiting a patient 
 in consultation, demanded his potde chambre 
 to view the fecal matter contained therein, 
 saying : '' How do you feel now, sir ? The 
 excrements are scanty and the urine light." 
 The sick man urinated, and, thinking the 
 physic had operated freely, responded : *'It 
 looks to me as though there was enough 
 for both of you ; " whereat both doctors 
 left full -of laughter." 
 
 * .!, * 
 
 PASQUIER ESTIENNE (1529 to 
 1615). 
 
 LETTER TO M. TOURNEllUS, COUNCILLOR TO 
 THE PARLIAMENT OF PARIS. 
 
 No man idolizes physicians more than 
 I, when I am sick; and I only consider 
 their art doubtful when I am well. You 
 will, no doubt, find this remark singular, 
 that I respect the art of those whose prac- 
 tice is so uncertain, and by chance should 
 say that, sick in body I am healthy in 
 mind, and that healthy in body I am sick 
 in mind, to the contrary I will say, if the 
 aphorism is true, that the habits of mind 
 and body sympathize ; being sick in body, 
 I am feeble in mind when I worship the 
 medical profession. 
 
 MONTAIGNE (1533 to 1592). 
 Essays. (') 
 
 BOOK I. CHAPTER XXIIL 
 
 HE SCORNS MEDICINE IN DISEASE. TO 
 WHAT HE ATTRIBUTES ITS SUCCESS. 
 
 We call a physician good when a pa- 
 tient recovers, as though it were their art 
 and not good fortune that had taken part 
 in the performance. I believe in all of 
 them the better and worst whatever they 
 will ; for I have, thank God ! no commerce 
 with them. I am different from others, as 
 I always have a contempt for the profes- 
 sion ; but when I am sick, in place of con- 
 sulting them, I hate and fear them more 
 than ever ; and answer those who insist on 
 my taking medicine, to wait until I have 
 recovered my strength and health in order 
 to more ably sustain the risk and chances 
 offered by their drugs. I leave everything 
 to Nature, knowing it can best resist with 
 teeth and claws the assaults on my health. 
 
 They say that a new comer, named 
 Paracelsus, has changed ends, reversed all 
 the ancient rules of medical treatment, and 
 maintains that, up to this time, medicine 
 only caused mankind to die. I believe 
 this statement can be readily verified, but 
 to test this theory with my own life would, 
 I fear, not be the acme of wisdom. 
 
 I believe that I owe my father my cal- 
 culary diathesis, since he died greatly 
 afflicted with a large stone in his bladder. 
 Thus physicians may excuse my freedom 
 of speech, for by this same infusion and 
 fatal insinuation I inherited my hate and 
 contempt for physic ; this antipathy is, I 
 
 I Montaigne's Essays " are so well known to 
 English readers that only a few excerpts from his 
 voluminous remarks against physicians will be 
 quoted.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 repeat, hereditary. My father died at the 
 age of seventy-four years, my grandfather 
 at sixty-nine, my great-grandfather at 
 eighty, and none of them ever tasted a 
 drop of medicine ; and none of them ever 
 took anything even in i^lace of drugs. 
 Medicine is cuUivated by practice and ex- 
 perience, that's my opinion. My ances- 
 tors all abhorred medicinal remedies, 
 through some occult but very natural in- 
 clination, and my father had the feeling so 
 intensified that his fear of drugs amounted 
 to horror. My paternal uncle. Seigneur 
 Gaviac, a clergyman, delicate from his 
 birth, but who nevertheless lived on for 
 sixty-seven years, once fell into a con- 
 tinued fever, and was declared by his phy- 
 sicians, who were called in the case, to be 
 dying. This good man, frightened though 
 he was by this medical sentence, replied, 
 <' I am dead then." But God made a lie 
 out of the doctors' prognosis. 
 
 There is no nation that has not existed 
 several centuries without doctors, and 
 these ages were always the most prosper- 
 ous and happy. 
 
 There was once in Egypt a very just 
 law, by which a physician, taking a pa- 
 tient in charge, did so at the sick man's 
 expense for the first three days, but after 
 that the illness was at the doctor's expense. 
 
 It was a good commencement for doc- 
 tors, that ancient Gods and Demons were 
 the authors of their science. 
 
 It is a good thing for the doctors and a 
 good rule for their art, as in all other fan- 
 tastic, vain, and supernatural arts, that the 
 patient should be filled with human assur- 
 ance. This rule induces a fancy for the 
 most i<7norant and unknown physicians. 
 The choice of drugs is mysterious and 
 
 divine : the left foot of a turtle, a lizard's 
 urme, an elephant's dung, blood from the 
 right wing of a white pigeon, and other 
 articles destined to increase our miseries. 
 
 Who ever saw a doctor use the recipe 
 of another physician without cutting off or 
 adding to its ingredients? By this very 
 action they betray the fact that they con- 
 sider their reputation, and consequently 
 their profit, more than the interests of their 
 patients. 
 
 Lately, at Paris, a gentleman, following 
 the orders of his doctors, was cut for 
 stone, and no more stone was found in his 
 bladder than in my hand. A Bishop, a 
 friend of mine, was constantly solicited by 
 his medical advisers to have a lithotomy 
 performed, and I myself assisted in secur- 
 ing his consent, having laith in the doctors' 
 diagnosis ; when he died and we opened 
 him, he was found to have only kidney 
 trouble. Yet, to me, surgery seems more 
 certain, since one can see the manner in 
 which the cure is done, and there is less of 
 conjecture and divination ; in this art there 
 are no speculum mairtcis to enable one to 
 see brains, lungs and Uvers. 
 
 Herophilus attributed the original cause 
 of disease to the humors; Erasistratus to 
 the blood in the arteries ; ^sclepiades to 
 invisible atoms permeating the pores: 
 Alcm^eon to the exuberance or deficienc> 
 of corporeal strength ; Diodes to the in 
 equality of the elements contained in the 
 body and the character of the air breathed 
 Strabo, in the abundance, crudity, and cor 
 ruption of the food we take ; Hippocratei 
 to the spirits. 
 
 How often do we see physicians blam 
 ing each other with causing the death of ; 
 patient. Which reminds me of a diseas 
 
 d
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 83 
 
 that once prevailed in my neighborhood, 
 and was for several years a very marked 
 and dangerous malady. The plague, 
 which cost an infinite number of lives, 
 having subsided, one of the most famous 
 doctors in the country wrote a book on the 
 disease, and declared that if the sick had 
 not used bleeding so much damage would 
 not have occurred. Now all authors allow 
 that there is no medicine that has not inju- 
 rious properties. 
 
 I honor physicians, not following the 
 precept for the necessity, but for the simple 
 love of themselves, having known many 
 I really dignified and honorable men in the 
 medical profession who were not wholly 
 unworthy of being loved. It is not them- 
 selves I object to, but their art, and do not 
 blame them so much for profiting by man- 
 kind's stupidity, for the whole world en- 
 courages their practice. 
 
 It is the fear of death and pain, with 
 impatience at illness, or furious and indis- 
 creet haste for cure, that blinds us, and pure 
 cowardice that renders our belief so soft 
 and manageable. 
 
 What Homer and Plato say of the 
 Egyptians, that they were all physicians, 
 may be said of all modern peoples ; there 
 is no one who does not boast of a remedy 
 of some sort, and will not hesitate to use 
 the same on his dearest friend or nearest 
 neighbor. 
 
 The promises of doctors are wonderful, 
 for they have to foresee the different and 
 contrary symptoms, which often oppose 
 each other and yet have a necessary rela- 
 tionship ; as in heat of the liver and cold- 
 ness of the stomach, they pursuade us that 
 their medicine will warm the stomach and 
 cool off the liver. They also have drugs 
 
 that go right to the kidneys and from 
 thence to the bladder, without the drug 
 losing its original medicinal virtues while 
 passing through this difficult road before 
 rendering service at the point for which 
 the occult properties of the drug are des- 
 tined to act. There are agents that dry 
 the brain, others that moisten the lungs. 
 From one prescription having all such 
 wonderful properties bestowed by a num- 
 ber of ingredients mixed in one draught, 
 we may hope that the virtues may divide, 
 and, freeing themselves from the confusion, 
 perform their intended parts. And imagine 
 how easy it is to confound, alter and cor- 
 rupt this liquid melange when the com- 
 pounding of this prescription depends on a 
 druggist, to whose mercy we must abandon 
 ourselves with all due faith in the attempt 
 to prolong life. 
 
 King Ferdinand sent his colonies to 
 the Indies, but wisely forbade them to take 
 any scholars of jurisprudence, for fear that 
 the law would not tend to populate the 
 new land, as being a science that would 
 generate quarrels and property discussion ; 
 believing, with Plato, that ''it is a bad 
 thing for a country to have lawyers and 
 doctors." 
 
 Plato has rightly said that to be a true 
 physician one should have passed through 
 all the diseases he professes to cure, and 
 through all the accidents of which he is to 
 judge. It is right that he even have 
 the pox if he wishes to know how to 
 treat it. 
 
 We should suffer patiently the penalties 
 of our condition ; we are born to become 
 older, feebler; to become sick in spite of 
 all medicine. The first salutation a Mexi- 
 can gives to his child when it comes from 
 its mother's belly is this : " Little one, thou
 
 84 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 hast come into this world to endure all 
 pains, to endure and keep silent." 
 
 If your medicine be voluptuous, accept 
 it ; it is always pleasant. Neither wait for 
 its name nor its color, if it be delicious and 
 appetizing ; for pleasure is one of the vani- 
 ties of profit. 
 
 * 
 PIERRE BRANTOME (French his- 
 torian, 1540 to 1 6 14). 
 
 VARILLASIANA. 
 
 Brantome having the gout, a physician 
 was found who offered him a secret specific 
 as a cure ; arrived at the house of the illus- 
 trious patient, he asked for an interview. 
 A lackey went to tell his master of the 
 doctor who claimed to be able to cure 
 every case of gout, and Brantome made his 
 appearance as quickly as his disease would 
 permit, saying to the lackey: "Take the 
 doctor's carriage into the court-yard." The 
 physician interrupted him by remarking : 
 ''I have no carriage." And Brantome 
 exclaimed: *'Is it possible that you cure 
 ^out and have no equipage? I have no 
 need of your services, sir ! " And he 
 abruptly left the room. This was as much 
 as to proclaim that no man having a sov- 
 ereign specific for gout — that cruel, tor- 
 menting and very common affliction — 
 could be unable to have a carriage and 
 lour. 
 
 RODOMONTADES ESPAGNOLES. 
 
 A doctor went to see a Bishop who 
 v.-as sick, but very large and fat ; and, after 
 leaving his apartment, met some of the pa- 
 tient's friends, who demanded how the 
 sick man was, and the physician replied 
 simply : '•'■Phiguiese a Dios que fuesse tal mi 
 viT.choX^'' which, in English, is ''Would to 
 God my mule was as healthy." 
 
 A Spanish physician, having incurred 
 the displeasure of a widow lady, one day 
 charged a horse jockey, in her presence, of 
 bringing him una mula que fuesse viuda (a 
 mule widow). The jockey responded : 
 ^^Como, cuerpo de tall Os burials de mi 
 se?tor doctor ? Nunca fue mula viuda " 
 (How ! You mock me, doctor ? There 
 never was a mule widow.) To which the 
 doctor retorted : ^^Digo yo quetenga tres condi- 
 clones de una viuda ; que sea gorda, andadora 
 y comedora. (I wish to say that a widow 
 has three qualities, i.e., to be fat, a gadder- 
 about, and mangy.) 
 
 THE QUEEN OF SPAIN AND ELIZABETH 
 OF FRANCE. 
 
 One year before she came to France — 
 to Bayonne — she fell sick, and in this ex- 
 tremity she was left in the hands of the 
 physicians. On which a young doctor, of 
 Italian birth, who was much in fashion at 
 Court, was presented to the King, and 
 said if permitted he would cure her; the 
 which His Majesty permitted, as she was 
 supposed to be dead. This physician gave 
 her a little medicine, which being taken, 
 suddenly and miraculously made the color 
 mount to her face, and she soon com- 
 menced speaking, convalescing shortly 
 afterwards. Whereat all the Court and the 
 common people of Spain blocked the 
 roads with their processions, going and 
 coming, from the churches and hospitals, 
 m honor of the Queen's recovery ; some 
 were so joyful that they went about in 
 their shirts, others went bareheaded, offer- 
 ing up prayers of praise and chants of 
 thanksgiving ; honoring God by fasts and 
 bodily penance, and many other good 
 and truly holy devotions, so well did 
 they believe that their intercession, 
 tears, and shouts were heard by God, 
 and had done more to effect the cure
 
 TJlc Evil tJiat has been said oj Doctors. 
 
 «5 
 
 of this Princess, and the doctor's work 
 was overlooked. 
 
 AMOURS OF PHYSICIANS WITH THE WIVES 
 
 AND DAUGHTERS OF THEIR 
 
 PATIENTS. 
 
 I knew also another of the great houses 
 of Spain, where a Countess preferred to 
 piously care for her daughters, besides 
 other relatives of her husband ; but this 
 lady was sometimes an invalid, and much 
 subject to the orders of doctors and apothe- 
 caries; and the young ladies were some- 
 times ill, with pale complexions, irregu- 
 larities, and fevers, and it so happened 
 that two of them fell sick and an apothe- 
 cary had them in charge. He certainly 
 thought of his drugs, but more of his 
 amours with one of his fair clients, a young 
 and beautiful Frenchwoman, formerly vir- 
 tuous and the fiancee of a French Prince. 
 I knew this girl, who certainly merited a 
 better lover, if such a thing was her abso- 
 lute necessity, and when this maiden could 
 no longer conceal her sham^e the rascally 
 apothecary gave her antidotes. 
 
 I knew another aristocratic girl who 
 had been treated as a daughter by Queen 
 Marguerite of Navarre. By mishap she 
 became pregnant, but her cunning apothe- 
 cary gave her a potion that permitted her 
 to void the fruit of her womb piecemeal 
 and painlessly, so that she never had the 
 least trouble ; and she afterwards married 
 a very gallant gentleman of the nobility 
 without her husband ever dreaming of 
 her former shame. What useful physi- 
 cians ! for they give remedies to make the 
 unloosed appear as virgins — even as 
 maidens. 
 
 I knew an empiric of Spain whose 
 practice was to put leeches on women's 
 natural parts, which animals by their action 
 
 made blood appear, so that when the un- 
 suspecting husband returned at night, find- 
 ing his wife's condition, he could exclaim : 
 ' ' Honor della citadella e salvo I " (The honor 
 of the castle is saved.) 
 
 We all know Ronsard's poem of the 
 physician who came night and morning to 
 gaze on the beauties of his fair patient 
 under pretense of treating her fever. I 
 was once very jealous of a doctor who 
 treated a beautiful dame with whom I was 
 in love, and he was so confidential with her 
 that I would have given half the Realm to 
 have been in his place. These doctors 
 have peculiar advantages in their relation- 
 ships with men's wives and daughters 
 when they desire to take an amorous ad- 
 vantage. 
 
 I know another noble lady of great dis- 
 tinction belonging to the house of one of 
 the most famous of Spanish Grandees, to 
 whom her physician one day said her hus- 
 band was impotent, that her marital rela- 
 tions should be different ; and she replied : 
 " I leave all in your hands. Doctor." Some 
 months afterwards she remarked to a lady 
 friend who had heard of her recovery: 
 "Yes, my family physician restored me; 
 in fact, I may candidly state that the con- 
 tinuance of my good health depends on 
 the Doctor." 
 
 I knew a celebrated doctor, Le Grand, 
 of Paris, who came one day to visit Baron 
 de Vitaux, who was sick from a love affair, 
 and both of them discussed Court amours 
 and told stories that made my hair stand 
 on end. I expressed great surprise at the 
 doctor's seeming indifference, and re- 
 marked : '*Ah! you doctors know too 
 much, but don't appreciate the good things 
 offered you." To which he retorted: 
 ** Truly, truly we know good things, for
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 we well know all secrets; but I am old and 
 have said to God and his merciful Son, ' I 
 leave such things to those who are 
 younger.' ' 
 
 * * * 
 CARDINAL DUPERRON (1556 to 
 
 1618). 
 
 PERRONIANA. 
 
 I wish that all the Universities of Medi- 
 cine, like Caens and Rheims, except Mont- 
 pelier, were abolished, for they are only 
 asylums for ignorance. 
 
 * * * 
 BEROALDE DE VERVILLE 
 
 (1558 to 1612). 
 
 THE APERITIVE MEDICINE OF RABELAIS. 
 
 The Cardinal du Bellay being sick in 
 bed of hypochondriasis called in physicians 
 to consult and apply a remedy for his re- 
 lief. He was advised by the learned con- 
 course of doctors to take an aperient de- 
 coction put into syrup to render it palat- 
 able. "This, Your Reverence," said they, 
 '* will ^/^;^ you freely." At this juncture 
 Rabelais took a sudden resolution, leaving 
 the other consultants still cackling in con- 
 sultation in order to earn their fees. Going 
 into the courtyard of the Cardinal's palace 
 he sent the steward and collected all the 
 old keys he could find ; these were placed 
 in a pot suspended by a tripod over a fire 
 • tnd duly boiled; but, to be economical in 
 las medicine, Rabelais was slowly fishing 
 ihe keys out of the boiling water when the 
 crowd of consulting physicians descended 
 ihe stairs, and, seeing the great Rabelais 
 ihus engaged, viewed him with wonder 
 ;ind enquired why he was thus employed. 
 "Gentlemen," he replied, '-this is my 
 prescription for hypochondriasis; there is 
 
 nothing more aperient than keys, they 
 open everything. If you are not contented 
 with my formula, send to the arsenal and 
 borrow a few field pieces ; that would be 
 the last resort after the trial of these ape- 
 zemes." 
 
 * * * 
 
 RENE DESCARTES (French philoso- 
 pher, 1596 to 1650). 
 
 EXTRACT. 
 
 For the rest, I do not wish to dwell at 
 length on the progress that I hope the 
 sciences will make in the future, nor make 
 the public any promises that I am not 
 assured will be accomplished ; but only 
 wish to say that I have fully resolved to 
 employ the time that yet remains for me to 
 live in nothing else than acquiring a know- 
 ledge of Nature, so that we may fix more 
 absolute rules for medical practice than 
 have been observed up to the present time. 
 
 METAPHYSICAL MEDITATIONS. 
 
 Physics, astronomy, and medicine, and 
 all other sciences which depend on the 
 consideration of composite things, are ex- 
 tremely doubtful and uncertain. 
 
 The conservation of health has been 
 all my life the principal purpose of my 
 investigations and studies, and I do not 
 doubt that there may be means of acquir- 
 ing much more knowledge concerning 
 medicine, which has been greatly ignored 
 up to the present epoch; but the "Trea- 
 tise on Animals," upon which I have medi- 
 tated, yet have not been able to finish, is 
 only the entrance to reach this knowledge, 
 and I have not boasted of accomplishing 
 this task. All that I can say at present is, 
 that I was of the opinion of Tiberius, who 
 wished that men who had attained the age 
 of thirty years having had personal experi-
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 «7 
 
 ence with diseases resulting to their injury 
 or profit, should really be our doctors. In 
 fact, it seems to me there is no one who 
 has observed but would argue that it would 
 be careful to be on guard that only the 
 most learned doctors should be employed. 
 * ^ ^ 
 
 BERTRAND HARDOUIN DE 
 SAINT JACQUES (1598 to 
 1648). 
 
 MEDICINE AND THE STAGE. 
 
 We have only an extract to cite from 
 this comic writer ; but his name is worthy 
 to figure in this recital. He made his 
 medical studies at Montpellier, afterwards 
 abandoning the science of Hippocrates to 
 become a strolling opera player, at which 
 occupation he acquired great renown by 
 his mingled simplicity and volubility, with- 
 out an equal. At the death of Gautier 
 Garguille, he came to Paris and made an 
 engagement with the Bourgogne Theatre 
 Troupe, under the name of Guillot Gorju. 
 "Now," says Sauval, "as he had studied 
 medicine, his ordinary mission upon the 
 stage was to ridicule medicine, which he 
 did so well that physicians themselves were 
 convulsed with laughter." He preceded 
 Moliere in his drolleries against the Medi- 
 cal Faculty, and perhaps even inspired 
 many ideas, for our greatest French com- 
 edy writer was one of his auditors, as he 
 was often brought to this Theatre by his 
 grandfather. 
 
 After imitating his own profession for 
 about eight years, he again left the stage 
 and practiced his profession at Melun. "A 
 strange determination," observes Didot, 
 from whom we derive these details, 
 " which of itself is very amusing, and 
 might be even taken as another method of 
 ridiculing the Faculty." 
 
 A contemporary thus painls his por- 
 trait: "He was a large brunette, with 
 dark, sunken eyes and flat frog nose, who 
 resembled a huge monkey, and did not 
 even need a mask on the stage, as he wore 
 a natural one." 
 
 * * * 
 ADAM BILLAUT (Seventeenth cen- 
 tury). 
 
 FOR CURING SCIATICA. 
 
 To cure thee of sciatica, that doth confine, 
 
 So that in bed no movement thou durst make, 
 
 Take two jugs full of faggot-juice from the vine. 
 But use it as I say, and cure ihine ache. 
 
 With thine two fingers rub this remedy sure 
 
 Upon the surface where thou feelest pain. 
 
 Drink all that's left and find a certain cure. 
 
 For thine disease will never come again. 
 
 On only faggot-juice rely, and in its virtues have 
 belief; 
 
 For if thou callest a doctor for thine care, 
 Most dangerous things he'll give for thine relief 
 
 And will not cure thee even then, I'll swear. 
 
 * * * 
 
 DULAURIER (Seventeenth century). 
 
 FACETIOUS PROLOGUE. 
 
 Apropos^ gentlemen, I desire your pres- 
 ence greatly, and still more of that than of 
 the doctors, taking in refusing and refus- 
 ing in taking; for, dtcendo nolo accipiunt 
 pecunias, in that they pull out the impos- 
 thumes from their game bags at the ex- 
 pense of the entrails of our purses ; as a 
 recompense of scrawls on paper they ren- 
 der our secretions clearer. 
 
 REGARDING MEDICINE. 
 
 Another of my designs, to be physician 
 in place of lawyer, is my hope to run the 
 list in spatiosum fertilem et lucrativum cam 
 pum Medicince; I expect to find for this 
 purpose a huge Andalusian mule with long
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 hair and a short tail.(') Some persons 
 have told me that every doctor must stick 
 his nose stir les ragoiists du derriere, (') as we 
 say in French. But why not? When ex 
 re qualibet bonus odor lucri, providing my 
 purse be always full of money, and that it 
 serves not for an arsenal of pistols but of 
 pistoles, ('-) it makes no difference to me how 
 a patient's stools smell. What say you 
 gentlemen ? Are these not good arms 
 against the toothache ? 
 
 JEAN FRANCOIS SARRASIN (Fa- 
 cetious author, 1603 to 1654). 
 
 GOULU'S LAMENT. 
 
 Poor Goulu on his bed was lying 
 
 When Master Clements, doctor in the case, 
 Taking his hand, said, " Goulu, thou art dying, 
 
 For if thou dost not eat, run is thine race. 
 
 Eat then ! nor longer be a stubborn fool. 
 
 A little of this bread but try ? 
 'Tis I who speak, I of Hypocras school." 
 
 And Goulu, weeping, made but this reply : 
 
 " I see full well thou canst not cure ; 
 
 It likewise makes me sad to hear thee lie. 
 Thine medicine no longer I'll endure; 
 
 'Twas thine vile potions that have made me 
 die. 
 
 Ah ! too much medicine mine belly fills. 
 
 In law a wise man never consults shysters, 
 Nor should he ask advice of quack that kills. 
 
 Adieu to thee my Clements, with thine clys- 
 ters." 
 
 THE SEINE SPEAKS TO THE FOUNTAIN 
 DE FORGES, f) 
 
 Oh ! seducer. My fountain Beauty ! 
 
 Truly, I find thee vain. 
 Nymph of health-giving waters, 
 
 Knowest I'm the River Seine ? 
 
 1 The reader is referred to a French diction- 
 ary for the translation. 
 
 2 A piece of money. 
 
 3 A medicinal mineral spring. 
 
 I, who bear on my broad bosom 
 
 The greatest ship that floats ; 
 Know, little spring, I've the power to wreck 
 
 The strongest of mankind's boats. 
 
 Full well I know thou hast vaunted 
 Of thine qualities rare and fine ; 
 
 Dost thou wish to be my rival, 
 Like the haughty River Rhine ? 
 
 Better it is for thee, fair nymph, 
 
 That my subject thou appear, 
 And mingle thy gentle streamlet 
 
 With my cuiTcnt strong and clear. 
 
 For if my wrath be once aroused, 
 
 The storm waves on my crown 
 Will inundate the country fair. 
 
 And my rivals shall go down. 
 
 Ah ! be gentle, then, and modest. 
 To my chidings hang thy head, 
 
 'Twill all be for thy profit. 
 
 Or I'll drive thee from thy bed. 
 
 Certain it is, spite thy boastings. 
 That those who thy waters drink 
 
 Cannot be cured of their maladies. 
 Since they are not sick, I think. 
 
 'Tis a very silly thing, forsooth, 
 To strive to engender rude strife, 
 
 By claiming to give a man a cure, 
 
 When he's never been sick in his life. 
 
 Those who have faith in thy virtue, 
 Who from my stream hold aloft. 
 
 Are the quack doctors from the Faculty, 
 Debauched by thy waters soft ; 
 
 And if ever Destiny leads such men 
 At Charenton's baths to dwell, 
 
 I trust they will never return to me, 
 But go di-ink with Pluto in Hell. 
 
 DE CAILLY (1604 to 1673). 
 
 ON A MEDICAL POET. 
 
 Roc was a poor doctor, but a good poet he. 
 
 Who epitaphs wrote on his patients when dead. 
 
 Recording their good deeds and fair histories, 
 Thus treating Life's record when Life's flame 
 had fled :
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 89 
 
 While, as to the sick, he ne'er cured their ills, 
 And none e'er recovered that to his hands 
 came — 
 For Roc, as a doctor, killed all with his pills. 
 But Roc, as a poet, built them " Temples of 
 Fame." 
 
 ON AN IGNORANT DOCTOR. 
 
 Orontes is quite ill ; he who once injured thee. 
 But Faustus treats him ; thou avenged will be. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Some claim that the medical art's to be feared. 
 Some say they more medical learning desired ; 
 
 Yet, on grave reflection, it oft hath appeared 
 We can stop all complaining whene'er it's re- 
 quired. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Renault seemed always to be at Death's dark 
 brink. 
 
 How did I cure him ? That's what I shall tell. 
 I bade him laugh, dance, sing, and take his drink. 
 
 And with one single remedy made him well. 
 This remedy ? He dropped his doctor, Phil, 
 For doctors are the cause of every ill, 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Your precious person, so I learn to-day, 
 Abandoned was unto four doctors' care ; 
 Of following them too blindly best beware — 
 
 Which leads me in all kindness here to say. 
 Four doctors are a malady hard to ease, 
 E'en ten times woise than is your own disease. 
 
 CHARLES COYPEAU (1605 to 1679). 
 
 BURLESQUE ADVENTURES. 
 
 So, seeing her fall ill, as much from too 
 great application to the affairs of her State, 
 as well as to the little physical exercise she 
 took, and knowing that abundance on 
 which the poor live is that which kills the 
 rich, and to how many perils the lives of 
 the great are exposed, and that she might 
 be attacked by the stupidity of the doctors, 
 I composed a piece not against medicine, 
 but against the ignorance of physicians. 
 
 PENSEES. 
 
 It is said that astrology and medicine 
 carry in themselves the monstrous seeds of 
 that terrible error, Atheism. This may be 
 true, because the majority of those who 
 follow these professions give much to Na- 
 ture ; all speak of the infancy of the world, 
 and, if we judge the past by the present, 
 as believing our philosophers and physi- 
 cians, we cannot but doubt its infancy, 
 seeing its decay ; because, if history lies to 
 us, we would not see that mother Nature, 
 who in the early ages made great, strong 
 and robust men, does not employ the same 
 material to-day, for now we only see pyg- 
 mies. Physicians say the same thing ; 
 and, when they have slain a patient by the 
 method of Galen and of Hippocrates, they 
 excuse themselves by this decay of the 
 world and accuse the debility of Nature, 
 who, with simples and with minerals, no 
 longer inspires at the present day the same 
 potency that was remarked in the times of 
 their masters. 
 
 SCARRON (French dramatist, 1610 to 
 
 1660). (') 
 
 THE HYPOCRITES. 
 
 Have thyself carried to the hospital, 
 and, when thou hast found the advice 
 therein given thee, scorn not that I give 
 thee ; it is, my poor Montafar, to not call 
 
 I Scarron was not ctd de Jatte, a cripple seated 
 in a bowl, as has often been claimed, as he him- 
 self said : 
 
 Je suis cul de jatte, a qui membres tortus 
 Font grand mal a toute heure. 
 
 Scarron had general chronic rheumatism, with 
 ankylosis and deformity of the joints, that gave to 
 his body the form of the letter Z. His long and 
 painful sufferings and the lack of efficiency on the 
 part of medical remedies in his case explains and
 
 90 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 in a doctor, for he will forbid thee to 
 drink wine, not knowing that this alone, 
 without the fever, is capable of causing 
 thy death in twenty-four hours. 
 
 INNOCENT ADULTERY. 
 
 She called those of her domestics who 
 had the care of Dom Garcias, and left the 
 chamber when the surgeons entered. The 
 satisfaction of mind is the sovereign remedy 
 of a sick body. Dom Garcias hoped from 
 the words of Eugene a happy termination 
 for his love. So that his soul, chagrined 
 as It had been, like a lover without hope, 
 was now given over to joy, and this happi- 
 ness served better to cure him than all the 
 remedies of surgery. 
 
 MONTREUIL 
 
 MATTHIEU DE 
 
 (1611 to i69i).(') 
 
 TO A PHYSICIAN WHO BECAME A 
 PRIEST. 
 
 When I see you officiate at sermon and Mass, 
 Reading the Scriptures, hearing each sinner's 
 confession, 
 
 I thank Divine Bounty that led you to pass 
 To the Church from the medical profession. 
 
 Had Hippocrates' precepts received at your hand 
 The same close attention you give to Church 
 laws, 
 
 We'd not not now be hst'ning to services grand, 
 But been duly torn by your medical claws. 
 
 So, thanks be to God ! at fasting and feast ; 
 
 Ab ! we'll praise His mercy whenever we can, 
 For it was His will changed doctor to priest — 
 
 Ah ! God is, indeed, the Saviour of man. 
 
 excuses his sarcasms against medical art, although 
 he put into his criticisms less animosity than 
 Montaigne, Moliere and J. J. Rousseau, who did 
 not suffer as much from these infirmities, how- 
 ever, as Scarron. 
 
 I This was the case of Rabelais reversed ; he 
 had the double title of Cure de Meudon and Doc- 
 tor of the Faculty of Montpellier. 
 
 BENSERADE (1613 to i69i).0 
 
 SONNET TO THE MARQUIS DEL 
 CARETTE. Q) 
 
 Toy, dont redoutent les approches 
 Ces medecins qui volontiers 
 Du monde retranchent le tiers, 
 Celebres par le bruit de cloches. 
 
 Toy, qui ne bronches, ni ne cloches, 
 Eloigne de leur faux sentiers, 
 Fleau des languissans heritiers. 
 Qui te font des secrets reproches. 
 
 Digne Esculape de nos jours, 
 Carette, ton noble secours 
 A le bien payer me convie. 
 
 Et fameux par tout I'Univers, 
 Celuy qui prend soin de ma vie 
 Doit estre immortel dans mes vers. 
 
 THE TWO DOCTORS AND THE 
 PATIENT. 
 
 One of those physicians who make so many visits. 
 
 Always saying, " So much better ! " to a fellow 
 
 sick abed, 
 
 So wearied out a patient by his oft-repeated lying 
 
 That he cried, "My heirs all think as you have 
 
 said ! " 
 
 1 Benserade died of a hemorrhage following 
 an unfortunate bleeding from the arm, where the 
 humeral artery was wounded, and the physician 
 in charge, losing his head, abandoned the patient 
 and fled. 
 
 It was Benserade who was the author of an 
 Italian-French ballet entitled "Amor Malato " 
 (Love sick), in which physicians were ridiculed. 
 This was in January, 1657. " Two doctors," says 
 Louis Moland, " called Time and Hurry, consult 
 at the bedside of Love who has Reason as a 
 nurse. Hurry desires to administer a dose of 
 antimonial wine, but the other two object, and 
 decide that the best means to cure Love is to dis- 
 tract her by recreations and diversions. So Time 
 and Reason appear to have been good physicians 
 ever since in curing Love. 
 
 2 " Caretti was an Italian who acquired great 
 reputation by selling high-pnced remedies that 
 seldom killed if they did not cure," says La 
 Bruyere.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 91 
 
 Sick men should profit by this salutary story: 
 Can they cure you saying "Better!" in order 
 to seem nice ? 
 Remember Moliere ne'er gave doctors any glory, 
 For he knew them far too well to follow their 
 advice. 
 
 TO A SHOEMAKER WHO BECAME A 
 DOCTOR. 
 
 An impudent shoemaker, stupidly ignorant, 
 wholly ill-bred, 
 Became a doctor, weallhy and envied. The 
 rich he did treat ; 
 For people of high rank to this fellow trusted a 
 head, 
 When as a cobbler they'd never trust him with 
 their feet. 
 
 TO DOCTOR ESPRIT. 
 
 (Sonnet.) 
 Esprit, it is said thou canst health restore. 
 
 That disease departs at the glance of thine eye ; 
 'Tis thine wonderful art makes the Avorld adore. 
 
 That art that makes many a patient die. 
 
 Thou hast cured Ludre with thine medical aid ; 
 
 Thou art proud of doing thine healing duty : 
 The color once from her cheeks did fade, 
 
 But now she is rosy, a perfect young beauty. 
 
 What is the reason thou hast made this cure ? 
 
 'Twas not an accident, surely not chance ? 
 Say, was she virtuous, or was she impure ? 
 
 Doth she for thee life's pleasures enhance ? 
 
 Alas ! we know well that her cure injures all, 
 For sparkling's her glance, heaving's her chest. 
 
 To save this one patient on whom thou dost call 
 Thou'd be guilty of cutting the throats of the 
 rest. 
 
 yESCULAPIUS AS A SERPENT. 
 (Rondeau.) 
 Like a serpent yEsculapius pas?;ed. 
 
 And the cautious their prudence forgot. 
 Among real charmers he may be classed ; 
 
 To sport with men's lives was his lot. 
 His mortal days sped pleasantly by, 
 
 And he's now with the Gods, by their grace. 
 With Jove he's honored up in the sky, 
 And his image on earth has a place : 
 
 As a serpent ! 
 
 He practiced the life-giving trade ; 
 
 And Rome, by his sageness impressed, 
 Acknowledged all cures that he made 
 
 When mortals by pain were distressed. 
 Yet, when he to Olympus swift flew 
 
 Rome trusted no doctor besides ; 
 And keeping his merits in view, 
 
 Now in Rome his bronze image abides. 
 
 As a serpent ! 
 
 EPITAPH UPON A PHYSICIAN. 
 
 •' Hac sub km?io, per quern tot jacuere, jacet.'''' 
 
 Here lies one who others destroyed, 
 A learned physician, old and gray, 
 
 His harmful art the public decoyed. 
 For him let us Pater Nosters say. 
 
 A true Basilisk he, with death in his eye ; 
 
 To shorten life's days was his favorite trick, 
 For potioned and clystered his patients did die. 
 He once killed a mule, as it chanced to be 
 sick. 
 More of an enemy he of Quinquina 
 Than great Augustus was of his Cinna. 
 
 * * * 
 
 GILLES MENAGE (French critic, 
 1613 to 1692). 
 
 MENAGIANA. 
 
 I must be immortal, for the charlatans 
 and physicians have not yet been able to 
 kill me.(') I have had thirteen doctors 
 from the Faculty in consultation at one 
 time. They agreed that I must not study 
 and should not write, saying if I violated 
 this order I would not last long. Since 
 then I no longer desire the attendance of 
 medical men, as I have studied harder 
 than ever and have written continually; 
 hence my improved condition of health. 
 
 I Menage suffered for a long time from sci- 
 atica. Being on his knees one day at the Church 
 of Notre Dame, he dislocated his thigh in at- 
 tempting to rise to hi-; feet. On another occasion 
 he fell and dislocated his shoulder in a chapel. 
 So that he was in the habit of saying he was 
 always " out of place in a church."
 
 92 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctojs. 
 
 Petrarch was the great enemy of doc- 
 tors. Upon the words ^^ ars longa, vita 
 brevis" which commence the aphorisms of 
 Hippocrates, he remarked that ^^Vitam 
 dum hrnmn dixerunt, brevisshnam effecerunt.^^ 
 Godeau as well has noted this in his 
 poems : 
 
 Cet art qui fait le meurtre avec impunite 
 Et dont notre foiblesse accroit I'autorite 
 Par ses remedes m'empoisonne. . 
 
 Here are two verses in Latm on a 
 famous accoucheur who enriched himself 
 at the expense of pregnant women : 
 
 Quas bona pars hominum muliebri condit in 
 
 antro, 
 Ex illo Clemenr emit unus opes.(*) 
 
 It is thus that medicine is defined as 
 the art where science sustains a patient 
 with frivolous reasons as to the cause of 
 his malady, and amuses him with good 
 and bad remedies, while waiting for Na- 
 ture to kill or cure him. 
 
 A peasant was very ill. Two surgeons 
 wished to use a remedy on him, saying, 
 ^^ Probe mus (Let us try)." The patient, 
 thinking they mocked him, answered: 
 ' * You take me for a Bemus, ( ') eh ? I will 
 not take your medicine ! " And thus prob- 
 ably saved his own life, which might have 
 been lost had he swallowed the agent. 
 
 Almost the same thing occurred to 
 Muret. Two physicians, without know- 
 ing it, had a consultation, which he over- 
 heard, in a room adjoining his sleeping 
 apartment. After having discoursed at 
 length in Latin, not believing the patient 
 
 1 All that wealth hidden by man in tjie 
 bosom of woman, Clement removes piece by 
 piece. 
 
 2 Bemus means ignormmts, in old French par- 
 lance, although the word is now obsolete. The 
 play in words is obvious. 
 
 understood that tongue, the conversation 
 finally dropped on to a new remedy, that 
 had not yet been tried, and one physician 
 said to the other: '■'•Faciamus periculum in 
 anima vili (Let us try it on a life of no 
 value)." When Muret, rising in his bed, 
 exclaimed in indignation: ^^Vilem animam 
 appetlas, pro qua Christus non dedignatus est 
 mori (Thou call est a life without value for 
 which Christ disdained not to die) ? " 
 
 Bernier de Blois, a physician, knew 
 well how to speak, inasmuch as he con- 
 tinually talked. I know not how he dared 
 present himself at my house, since he had 
 printed a letter he had addressed to me in 
 which he had roundly abused some of my 
 ordinary visitors. I had asked him not to 
 call, as he might meet some of the parties 
 he had slandered and maltreated, as they 
 would be indignant at me for permitting 
 his presence; and besides, I could not 
 have blamed them for reproaching him 
 with bitterness when all the wrong was on 
 his side. He had not even spared me in 
 his abusive letter, and I could scarcely be- 
 lieve he would have the impudence to 
 call. Then he wrote a book against my 
 character. My friends asked how I would 
 bear that insult, and I answered: ''Bernier 
 knows what wood to warm me with. In 
 fact, when he visits me he always takes up 
 the whole fireside, so that I cannot warm 
 myself even if I chose. He has written, in 
 the past two years, a thousand things I 
 have said to him, in order to insert the 
 same in his "Essay on Medicine"; and 
 the material has been badly used, it is vir 
 levis armatures. ^^ 
 
 One of the most curious works that has 
 ever appeared is the ** Life of Cardinal 
 Bessariou," by Nicholas Perot, in which 
 the latter speaks in a foot-note of the word 
 incompris of the twenty-fifth epigram in the
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 93 
 
 first book of Martial, where he says very 
 positively that the disease of which the 
 Cardinal died was caused by his physician : 
 '^Morbo inopinato, Medici^ quern secum habe- 
 bat opera correptus^ extinctus est.i^) That 
 which I expressly observe is by reason for 
 the opinion that his mission had a bad 
 success, and the Cardinal really died of 
 chagrin." 
 
 The Marquis de Liche was Embassador 
 from Spain to Rome in spite of himself, 
 for the Duke of Modena retained him in 
 position, because he appreciated the wit of 
 the Marquis as well as his intrigues. Dur- 
 ing the whole period he was embassador 
 he did all he could to mortify Pope Inno- 
 cent XI, thinking this was the best means 
 to have himself recalled from his mission, 
 but failed in the attempt. Having failed 
 in this plan, he lell sick and sent for the 
 Pope's physician. One of his friends knew 
 that in Italy the native physicians are more 
 to be feared than in any other country in 
 all Christendom, and remarked to the Mar- 
 quis: "Why do you send for the doctor of 
 your bitter enemy, the Pope ? Do you de- 
 sire to shorten your life ? " And the tired- 
 out Marquis retorted: "Do you think 
 I should send for the Pope's physician if I 
 wanted to live?" His Holiness having 
 heard this story, sent Favoriti to give his 
 compliments to the Marquis in his sick- 
 ness, who told him the Pope prayed for his 
 convalescence with as much fervor as he 
 did for his retirement from the mission. 
 
 In the majority of instances epidemic 
 diseases only exist in the imagination and 
 deceit of charlatan physicians and sur- 
 eeons. The Abbot Bourdelot told me that 
 Queen Anne of Austria died of a cancer of 
 
 I He died suddenly, lost by the physician 
 who had him in charge. 
 
 the heart ; all the ladies of the Court who 
 visited her believed themselves attacked 
 by the same disease, (') and a quack doctor, 
 for his own profit and reputation, treated 
 every one of these deluded females, and 
 with his remedies made an imaginary or 
 veritable malady. 
 
 Marshall de Bassompierre died at Prov- 
 ence from an overdose of opium, given 
 him by an unskilled doctor. This story 
 accords well with that which others relate, 
 that he died of apoplexy at the castle of the 
 Duke de Vitri, on the 12th of October, 
 1646. An overdose of opium perhaps causes 
 apoplexy. {'-) 
 
 * * * 
 
 SORBIERE (1615 to 1670). 
 
 SORBERIANA. ' 
 
 Galen. He attributes many inconsider- 
 ate things to Galen; for, in treating the 
 same things in different places, he never 
 has the same definition, nor the same 
 order, nor the same proofs. It seems as 
 though he proposed to write a book of a 
 certain number of pages — to make quantity 
 without quahty. He has taken pleasure in 
 wielding his pen and give it wide space 
 upon the text of Hippocrates, which has 
 
 1 These instances of courtier imitation are 
 common. The fainting spells of Louis XIII. be- 
 came the fashion among his nobles and Court 
 attendants. When Louis XIV. was operated on 
 for fistula in ano, many of the courtiers said they 
 had that stylish disease and insisted on being 
 operated on, following the King's example. 
 During the pregnancy of Marie Antoinette all the 
 ladies of her Court claimed to be enceinte and . 
 simulated that condition by padding themselves 
 over the abdomen, so that all seemed to be in 
 more or less advanced periods of gestation. 
 
 2 This fantastic explanation may satisfy Men- 
 ages' malice against doctors, but it is not scienific, 
 however.
 
 94 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 served to support him in his efforts to 
 climb and push upwards, in such a way 
 that the author reminds us of the ivy 
 crawling up a tree or over a wall to which 
 it is wholly attached for support and 
 sustenance. 
 
 Physicians. The doctors are, in their 
 knowledge of physic, like blind beggars, 
 and the people are like Provincials who 
 know not the streets of Paris. The blind 
 beggars can lead you through the public 
 thoroughfares and from lazy habit and ex- 
 perience find the churches, which they do 
 without seeing or knowing how they 
 arrived thereat. Physicians do the same 
 thing with the human body, which they 
 reach they know not by what route, yet 
 often leads them, happily, to where they 
 wish to reach, but yet to places they know 
 not by sight. (') 
 
 It is a pitiable thing to hear doctors 
 rely on bad reasoning as to the remedies 
 they so often use with more good effects 
 than science. 
 
 Medicine. There is no knowledge more 
 necessary to our welfare than that of medi- 
 cine, yet no art is more obscure and from 
 all time more neglected. 
 
 * * * 
 
 CHEVREAU (1615 to 1741). 
 
 CHEVR^ANA. 
 
 In China there are doctors and apothe- 
 caries, and they prepare the remedies 
 ordered. They are paid only when the 
 patients are cured, and receive nothing 
 
 I A physician heard a nobleman speak of 
 medicine as a conjectural art, and remarked to 
 him: "Let us suppose that Paris was suddenly 
 beclouded by a heavy fog. Is it not true that 
 you would prefer a blind man with his staff as a 
 guide, one who is accustomed to the streets and 
 
 Otherwise. If this custom were regularly 
 observed in Paris there would be none left 
 in the hospitals — except the doctors. 
 
 REGARDING MEDICINE. 
 
 Medicine is a very difficult science, 
 because the theory puzzles the understand- 
 ing and the practice enlarges the imagina- 
 tion. One is never cured by aphorisms, 
 and experience goes further than accepted 
 rules. If we examine the nourishment and 
 temperament, climate, waters of the places, 
 and even perhaps the constellations of the 
 day, we never follow just measures. When 
 we fail we find the remedy that has been 
 good to some one at a given time is inju- 
 rious to another at a different period, be- 
 cause It no longer has the same action. It 
 may be even less good sometimes to two 
 persons having different constitutions ; for 
 we know, from the Greek historians, that 
 Antonius Musa killed Marcellus with the 
 same remedy through means of which he 
 cured the Emperor Augustus. In these 
 Provinces the executioners of the Faculty of 
 Montpellier are not much in fashion, as 
 they have only one method on travel on 
 the same road. All that I know is that 
 ^sculapius, according to Celsus, reduced 
 the duty of the doctor to cure tuto, celeriter 
 et jucunde ,(') but where can you find a 
 modern ^i^sculapius? When we shall meet 
 a prudent and skillful physician, who cares 
 more for experience than all the maxims 
 of the Schools; who only consults his 
 own conscience, without reflecting on his 
 personal interests ; who has only seen his 
 patients cured, without regard to his rank 
 or standing professionally, we will exclaim 
 with Juvenal : 
 
 nevergoes astray, to a clairvoyant who would 
 assuredly lead you into the ditch ? " 
 
 I Surely, quickly and agreeably.
 
 TJic Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 95 
 
 Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima 
 cycno.(^) 
 
 Yet, another thing, this science is very 
 hazardous, inasmuch as it is founded on 
 conjectures ; and, according to Plato, the 
 conjectures of physicians are extremely un- 
 certain. For the rest, our doctors need 
 not feel astonished that I have treated 
 them as I would public executioners ; the 
 same Celsus I have quoted treated ^scula- 
 pius no more favorably. ' ' Quo magis fallun- 
 ter, quiper omnia, juamdam ejus disciplinam 
 esse concipiunt. Et enim ulterioribus quidem 
 diebus cubantis etiam luxuries suscripsit primis 
 vero tortoris vicetn exhibuit. ("-') 
 
 * * 
 
 HAUTEROCHE (French dramatist, 
 1617 to 1707). 
 
 CRISPIN, MEDECIN. 
 
 Act II. — Scene 2. 
 
 Mirobolan: We must now arrange the 
 room properly, so as to receive all those 
 who do me the honor of attending my dis- 
 sections. Aside from this, we must be 
 careful, although the garden separating the 
 two houses is a guarantee against the ob- 
 stinate disputations and loud noises held 
 on these occasions. There are always 
 some who will not agree with the others, 
 and who,^ in order to sustain an erroneous 
 opinion, make more discord than four 
 ordinary men. 
 
 Dorine : Truly, sir, although you claim 
 to be doctors, you never agree ; vonr sci- 
 
 1 A rare bird on earth, only comparable to a 
 black swan. 
 
 2 So it is an error to imagine that all his 
 methods are agreeable ; in his latter days he 
 favored inactivity in the treatment of disease, but 
 in his early days of practice he was a true execu- 
 tioner. 
 
 ence is an uncertain one, and you are the 
 first deceived. 
 
 Mirobolan : That sometimes happens ; 
 but that is not the fault of the medecine. 
 
 Dorine : It must, then, be the fault of 
 the doctors when it is not that of the medi- 
 cine. 
 
 Mirobolan : That may be the case, too; 
 but, Dorine, that is none of your business. 
 
 Dorine : No ; but I have the right to 
 express my sentiments, and although it 
 may be none of my business to-day, it will 
 be some other day, in spite of myself. 
 
 Scene 10. 
 
 Crispin {passing in a doctor's gowii) : 
 Zounds ! Look how I'm arrayed. \To 
 Dorine^ Ah ! I shall appear to be igno- 
 rant, but that makes no difference, since 
 so many doctors are ignorant. 
 
 Dorine : Without doubt. 
 
 Scene 11. 
 
 Crispin: Now, I am all right. Open 
 the door! 
 
 Lisa [entering] : Is the doctor in ? 
 
 Dorine : No ! 
 
 Lisa : Why do you conceal him ? 
 
 Dorine: What do you desire? 
 
 Lisa : Only to say two words to him. 
 
 Crispin: Well! What do you desire 
 of me? 
 
 Lisa : Sir, I wish to tell you that my 
 mistress has lost her little pet dog, that she 
 loves most dearly, and she blames me, 
 saying it was my fault. Now, I have been 
 told that you are acquainted with the art 
 of divination as well as with that of medi- 
 cine. 
 
 Crispin : I'm truly as learned in the 
 one art as in the other. 
 
 Lisa: Understanding that has led me 
 to come and ask your advice ; and I am 
 willing to reward you handsomely.
 
 96 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Crispin: How long has the dog been 
 lost? 
 
 Lisa: Two days. 
 
 Crispin : At what hour was the animal 
 missing? 
 
 Lisa: At eleven o'clock in the morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Crispin : What color was its hair ? 
 
 LAsa: Black and white; and it had a 
 turned-up tail. 
 
 Crispin \in deep thought] : That is 
 enough. 
 
 Lisa [to Dorine\ : Ah ! the good doctor ! 
 He will now give us some good news 
 about our dear little dog. 
 
 Dorine: Without doubt. 
 
 Crispin : Listen. It is two days since 
 he was lost ? 
 
 Lisa: Yes, doctor. 
 
 Crispin: At eleven o'clock in the 
 morning. 
 
 Lisa: Yes. 
 
 Crispin: He was black and white, with 
 a turned-up tail ? 
 
 Lisa : Yes, doctor. 
 
 Crispin [after deep thoug/it] : You will 
 have to take pills. 
 
 Lisa: Pills! 
 
 Caispin : Yes. 
 
 Lisa : But taking pills will not make 
 me find the dog ? 
 
 Crispin . Yes. 
 
 Lisa : But what kind of pills? 
 
 Crispi7i: The first the apothecary 
 hands you. 
 
 Lisa : But, doctor — 
 
 Crispin : It is not necessary to discuss 
 the matter. Do what I tell you to do. 
 
 Lisa: How many pills must I take? 
 
 Crispin: Three. 
 
 Lisa [giving him a crown piece'] : Very 
 well. It I find that little dog by this 
 means I shall give you any amount of 
 practice. 
 
 Crispin : If you do not find the dog it 
 will not be the fault of the remedy. 
 
 Lisa : I believe you. Adieu, doctor. 
 [Crispin: Adieu. [Liza leaves the room. 
 
 Scene 12. 
 
 Dorine [after having closed the door] : Ah, 
 Crispin, you no sooner put on a doctor's 
 gown than you receive your first fee. 
 
 Crispin : The d — 1. I see that this is 
 a first-class trade. Without knowing what 
 you are doing you earn money. 
 
 * * ^ 
 
 ROGER DE RABUTIN (1618 to 
 1693)- 
 
 MEMOIRS. 
 
 Fifteen days after my return to Les- 
 borges I was attacked by a quartan fever, 
 caused by figs, melons, and from using 
 snow and ice waters, — too much eating 
 and the excessive heat. 
 
 The Prince's physician, called Mon- 
 treuil, treated me, and bled me eight times 
 in three weeks. Fortunately for me, the 
 doctor fell sick himself, and died. Except 
 for this, judging from his practice, he 
 would have killed me. 
 
 TALLEMANT DES REAUX (1619 
 to 1692). 
 
 HISTORETTES XXVI. MALHERBE. 
 
 Once, being ill, he sent for Thevenin 
 the oculist, and the latter proposed to call 
 in Dr. Robin. (') Said Malherbe : " I do 
 not desire that kind of a man." Then 
 said Thevenin: "Permit me to summon 
 Doctor Guenebeau ? " " No ! " cried Mal- 
 herbe, "that is the name of a hunting 
 
 I Robin signifies in French a contemptible 
 fellow.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 97 
 
 dog." ''Shall we call in Doctor Dacier 
 (steel) ?" queried the oculist. **No," re- 
 sponded Malherbe, ''he is harder than 
 iron." "Then," said Thevenin, "we must 
 call in Doctor Providence." And Mal- 
 herbe replied : "In Providence only will 
 I trust." 
 
 XXXVIII. BURET. 
 
 Doctor Duret was a visionary physi- 
 cian. He claimed that the air of Paris was 
 unhealthy, and raised his only son in a 
 glass house to keep him from dying. At 
 dinner he took nothing but meat juices, 
 saying that his carriage jolting prevented 
 proper digestion; but he always took a 
 very heavy supper. He had a horror of a 
 fire in a grate, and never would look at a 
 hearth-place. He knew his art well, and 
 grew rich at practice. All apothecaries 
 denounced him as a fool because he cured 
 his patients by dieting them, fasting being 
 his sovereign remedy. His favorite pre- 
 scription was pure water and a roasted 
 apple. 
 
 LXV. CARDINAL RICHELIEU. 
 
 Madam de Guercheville, when at 
 Angouleme, needed a physician, and se- 
 lected Vaultier, who was much praised as 
 a skilful practitioner. He cured her of 
 erysipelas, and restored her to health from 
 other maladies of which she complained, 
 so that he had greater influence over her 
 than any other person ; from hence came 
 the hatred Cardinal Richelieu bore him. 
 Vaultier was a large, broad shouldered 
 man, who never failed to make himself 
 heard on all occasions. He was very rich 
 and penurious, his income from rents 
 alone amounting to 20,000 crowns per 
 annum. 
 
 CXLI. DU MOUSTIER. 
 
 He hated the doctors as much as he did 
 
 the Jesuits, and called them the "magnifi- 
 cent executioners of Nature." 
 
 CLXX. DE LORME.(') 
 
 He told how he had beaten a physician 
 of the Faculty with his walking-stick. 
 Madame de Themines had a very sick son, 
 and De Lorme asked for a consultation. 
 Doctor Duret and another physician were 
 accordingly summoned. On entering the 
 sick room, Duret, being the eldest, went 
 first ; the other doctor, as being from the 
 Faculty of Medicine of Paris, claimed sec- 
 ond place and followed, when De Lorme 
 seized a stick and thrashed the latter 
 soundly, whereat Duret fled in terror, 
 followed by the irate De Lorme. The 
 Marquise screamed: "Ah! Doctor Duret, 
 you are running off without prescribing for 
 my son ; " to which the fast-disappearing 
 Duret shouted back: "Have him bled. 
 Madam ! " and could never be persuaded 
 to return. 
 
 He pretended that the people of Bour- 
 bon erected a statue in his honor, as he 
 advertised their waters and afterwards sold 
 his charge. He took a large pension from 
 these people to make the world believe he 
 was doing well by living in magnificence. 
 In time, however, he grew to be im- 
 mensely rich. When he became old he 
 acquired a great fear of damp evenings, 
 and always, at five o'clock, he covered his 
 head with a dew-proof cap, and, attired 
 in a flowered satin suit and rose-colored 
 silk stockings, he appeared on the prome- 
 
 I Charles de Lorme, first physician to Henry 
 IV, and of Louis XII, died af the age of eighty 
 years. He invented a red soup that he claimed 
 was a panacea for all earthly ills. He took great 
 precautions to guard himself from cold and mois- 
 ture. He sat in a chair before a fire-place during 
 the whole winter. He slept on a bed of warm 
 bricks, lying down to his rest wearing six pairs of 
 stockings and his boots.
 
 98 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 nade, making one of the most pleasant, 
 and at the same time unique, figures in the 
 fashionable world. 
 
 CLXXI. JALOUX. 
 
 A physician of Soissons, named Rapoil, 
 had a good-looking wife, but she had an 
 eruption on her face that cropped out each 
 month, so that she had only fifteen days of 
 beauty out of every thirty. Her husband 
 was very jealous of her, and, although well 
 knowing how to cure her, owing to his 
 suspicious nature he would not give her a 
 remedy. She was too coquettish, never- 
 theless, and soon obtained a divorce from 
 him. 
 
 CCIV. M. DE VASSE. 
 
 Vasse was in love with the famous 
 Ninon, the celebrated beauty, and invited 
 her to a party at Saint Cloud. He asked 
 Mesnardiere to be one of the party. This 
 man was the family physician of the Mar- 
 quise de Sable and a professional author ; 
 and, although Vasse rode on horseback, 
 attended by four pages in livery, the doctor 
 climbed up on the carriage seat and ex- 
 changed amorous whispers with the beau- 
 tiful Ninon. Scarron said of this Doctor 
 Mesnardiere, that when he wore firey red 
 stockings he thought he set the female 
 world in flames. Yet this medical upstart 
 was only the son of an apothecary, and he 
 was named Jules, too, after Julius Caesar. 
 It was a good name for him, as he seemed 
 to be a conqueror — of women's hearts ; per- 
 haps he was really an honor to Julius 
 CcBsar. 
 
 CCXXXII. M. DE GUISE. 
 
 It was reported to him that a doctor 
 residing in the house had made some 
 mocking verses on the amours of M. de 
 Guise and Mademoiselle de Pons. All 
 against this girl was a liaison with His 
 
 Majesty the King; this portion of the 
 rhyme was true ; but De Guise made his 
 servants visit this scandalizing doctor's 
 room, and while he remained at the door 
 the lackeys cow-hided the doctor. This 
 was a cowardly proceeding, methinks. 
 
 CCXCIV. M. DE CHAMP ROND. 
 
 Finally, he fell sick in the summer of 
 1658. On the seventeenth day of his ill- 
 ness he sent for his wife and said : 
 "Madam, this Doctor Brayer makes my 
 illness last longer than is necesssary — this 
 is ruination to my business affairs ; so dis- 
 charge him at once, for Nature will cure 
 me without his assistance." 
 
 CCXCVII. BON MOTS. 
 
 Claquenelle, a iioted apothecary, had 
 Massac, a great partisan politician, say to 
 him : ^^ Organa pharmacice, sunt organa fal- 
 lacice " (a pharmaceutical party is a party 
 of thieves), to which the druggist answered, 
 not thinking his charges high: ^'Organa 
 publicanorwn, sunt organa diaholonmi " (the 
 party of publicans is the party of the 
 Devil). 
 
 CCCIV. MADAM DE HEQUETOT. 
 
 Charleval, brother-in-law of La Ferte, 
 wished to purge himself, as Lent was 
 approaching. The remedy he took from 
 a charlatan, i.e., Merlet, physician to the 
 Faculty, gave him a frightful diarrhoea. 
 This same quack then insisted that he take 
 another remedy, and the boy, having 
 faith, did so ; it was an astringent, and 
 caused such a retention of urine that the 
 poor young fellow died twenty four hours 
 later. 
 
 CCCXXVI. EXTRAVAGANCES. 
 
 Catherine de Gonzague de Cleves, 
 Duchesse of Longueville, wished, in order 
 to follow the fashion, to be bled. One day
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 99 
 
 a surgeon bled her before she was able to 
 turn her head away from her arms, when 
 she promptly discharged the medical man, 
 remarking : ' ''He is very impudent : he bled 
 me in my own presence 1 " 
 
 CCCLV, BON MOTS. 
 
 Montaigne was sick one day, and his 
 friends insisted that he call in a physician. 
 He asked this doctor what his name was, 
 and he responded : " Scholars and learned 
 men call me Egidius, but the ignorant call 
 me a gilly ; " whereat Montaigne chased 
 him out of the room, and would not permit 
 the ass to enter again. 
 
 CCCLIX. MADAME DE LAUNAY. 
 
 During one of her illnesses Doctor 
 Guenault was obliged to percuss her belly, 
 and she said to him chidingly : "Not so 
 low, Guenault ! Don't touch me so low 
 down ! " He was a mad wag, this Doctor 
 Guenault, and imagined that it might be to 
 her taste. 
 
 CCCLXXII. PELLOT. 
 
 He fell into a profound state of melan- 
 choly, which made him really hate life. 
 He sent in quest of a physician, and 
 seriously demanded of him what kind of 
 death was the easiest ; that he intended to 
 snuff out life's candle, and had thought of 
 cutting his throat with a razor. " Don't 
 do it ! " cried the doctor ; '' those who cut 
 their throats are usually saved, and suffer 
 greatly afterwards." " Then," said he, 
 " I can throw myself from the window to 
 the pavement beneath. It is three stories 
 of a fall." The physician answered : ''That 
 might only cripple you ; but I will give you 
 a surer death. I will purge you several 
 times, for it is easy to feign that you are 
 sick; then, under pretext that you suffer 
 from insomnia, I will prescribe an over- 
 
 dose of opium and you will die amid 
 happy dreams." The intention of this 
 good doctor was to purge the patient of 
 his melancholy humor, and afterwards give 
 him mental repose through sleep. He did 
 as he said he would. He went to call on 
 him shortly afterwards, and the servants 
 said, " He is asleep." He returned again 
 after the lapse of some time and remarked, 
 "He still sleeps. Praise be to God!" 
 On the third visit, thinking the patient had 
 slept long enough, the doctor strove to 
 arouse him, but all in vain. The doctor, 
 without intending to keep his word, had 
 really told his patient the truth. 
 
 CYRANO DE BERGERAC (1620 to 
 
 1650). 
 
 AGAINST PHYSICIANS. 
 
 Since I am condemned, for physicians 
 condemn one to die as well as the Judges 
 of Courts, you will understand that I have 
 the same right as a criminal who speaks 
 his last words on the scaffold. So I, in the 
 hands of a medical executioner, enter my 
 protest against being starved to death by a 
 low diet. The fever and the drugger hold 
 a poignard at my throat, yet I trust they 
 will not permit my discourse to weary you. 
 I know full well that the medical art con- 
 demns all the sick to death, and the few 
 who escape attribute their cure to the 
 powerful remedies taken; and those who 
 are dying claim that they have employed 
 the most able doctors. Admire the effron- 
 tery of my executioner, since I feel that 
 my dying is caused by his medicines ; and 
 the more new symptoms that appear the 
 more he rejoices, since he can apply new 
 drugs. When I fell into a profound syn- 
 cope that lasted more than an hour, and 
 related the same to him in alarm, he re-
 
 00 
 
 TJie Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 sponded that it was a good sign. When he 
 saw a bloody flux slowly destroying me, he 
 said it was worth twice an ordinary bleeding. 
 When I felt dispirited and felt a coldness 
 in all my limbs, he only laughed and said 
 his medicine had put out the fires of my 
 fever. When near unto death and unable 
 to speak, I heard him cry to my weeping 
 family, *' Fools, do you not know it is the 
 fever ? " Meantime, I am forced to bear 
 with him and slowly die. I know that I 
 am wrong in calling in my enemy to assist 
 me, but could I divine that those who make 
 a profession of curing would kill me? 
 
 Ah ! these doctors. No wonder that 
 the police authorities oblige these medical 
 graduates to ride on mules instead of 
 horses, for fear the race of doctors might 
 increase so that there would be more exe- 
 cutioners than patients. Oh ! what con- 
 tentment. I should love well to anatom- 
 ize their mules, those poor animals that 
 never feel the spurs, neither within nor on 
 the surface of the flesh, because the spurs 
 and boots are superfluities that the delicate 
 spirits of the Faculty cannot digest. These 
 medical men regulate the diet of their 
 mules more strictly than even that of their 
 patients; they feed the poor animals so 
 little that their skin only hangs to the 
 bone. They treat us no better, although 
 we pay them well. 
 
 Behold ! See the resemblance between 
 the trial by a doctor and by a judge. The 
 doctor, having looked at the urine and 
 questioned the patient as to his stools, con- 
 demns him; the surgeon binds him down, 
 and the apothecary discharges his blunder- 
 buss syringe into the patient's rectum. 
 The trial and execution are finished. 
 
 Three kinds of inflictions are sent to 
 punish man during his life: The lawyer 
 
 torments his purse ; the doctor worries the 
 body; while the clergyman bedevils his 
 soul. 
 
 * >K * 
 LA FONTAINE (1621 to 1692). 
 
 THE SICK DEER. 
 
 II ne trouva plus rien a frire ; 
 D'un mal il tomba dans un pire, 
 Et si vit reduit a la fin 
 A jeuner et mourir de faim. 
 
 11 en coute a qui vous reclame, 
 Medecins du corps et de I'ame ! 
 O temps, O moeurs ! J'ai beau crier 
 Tout le monde se fait payer. 
 
 LE QUINQUINA. 
 
 Thus speaks the school and all its disciples; 
 Forced by their patients to heed the doctrine 
 That kindly Dame Nature, or that their medicine 
 Sometimes apart or yet sometimes united. 
 No matter which, have their action on all. 
 They should not kill fever but to Nature leave 
 
 it— 
 To a good temperament. 
 
 Yet senna and bleeding, 
 Those, so they say, all impure matter purge, 
 And should not be disdained by suffering mortals. 
 The former, mild purgative, certain and sure. 
 Is the best remedy for a soft temperament, 
 Helped along gently by a generous diet ; 
 Soon the poor patient has health as usual ; 
 Yet with this method cures are made slowly. 
 Here then's a cure more prompt and most mar- 
 velous — 
 A remedy so far missed by our Faculties. (*) 
 
 * * * 
 MOLIERE (Dramatist, 1622 to 1673). 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM DON JUAN, OR THE 
 FEAST WITH THE STATUE. 
 
 Act III. Scene i. 
 
 Sganarelle : Yes, 'tis the robe of an old 
 doctor, who left it in pawn ; and it cost 
 
 I This poem by Ta Fontaine may be found in 
 the ' Medecine Litteraire et Anecdolique " of
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 oi 
 
 me money to redeem it, too. But do you 
 know, sir, that this habit has already made 
 me respected. I am consulted by all the 
 gentlemen I meet; yes, people come to 
 consult me — all on account of my costume. 
 
 Don Juan : How's that ? 
 
 Sganarelle : Five or six countrymen and 
 women, seeing me pass, asked my advice 
 on different maladies. 
 
 Don Juan : Of course you answered 
 that you did not know their diseases? 
 
 Sganarelle: I? Not at all. I wished 
 to sustain the honor of the profession's 
 garb. I reasoned in regard to their various 
 affections, and prescribed for each one of 
 them. 
 
 Don Juan : What remedies did you 
 give them ? 
 
 Sganarelle : My dear sir, I prescribed 
 the first thing I thought of; I picked my 
 remedies at random, and it would be very 
 amusing should I chance to cure them 
 and they should come to thank me for my 
 skill. 
 
 Don Juan : Why not ? Why should 
 you not have the same rights as others 
 who profess medical knowledge ? Doctors 
 can cure no better than you; and their 
 art is pure humbug. Glory comes to them 
 with each happy success, and you can 
 profit, like they do, with each patient's 
 good fortune ; besides, they will give your 
 remedies credit for what is done by chance 
 and the forces of Nature. 
 
 Sganarelle : Sir, methinks you are a 
 sceptic in regard to medicine. 
 
 Don Juan : 'Tis one of the great errors 
 of mankind. 
 
 Sganarelle: Have you, then, no belief 
 in senna, cassia or antimonial wine ? 
 
 Witkowski. The above is a very incomplete and 
 unsatisfactory rendering, and is only included as 
 an extract. 
 
 Don Juan : Why should I believe in 
 them ? (') 
 
 Sganarelle: You are too sceptical. Yet, 
 you see that for some time past antimonial 
 wine has made a noise in the medical 
 world ; the miracles wrought by this rem- 
 edy have converted the most incredulous 
 
 I Antimonial wine lighted up the flames of 
 professional war among the doctors of that epoch. 
 Guy Patin played upon the different names of this 
 medicine, and it was sometimes called heretique, 
 on account of the schisms its use produced among 
 physicians. It was likewise designated stibial, or 
 stygial, a purveyor for the Styx. Many violent 
 epigrams were directed against this dangerous 
 remedy ; one of the most brilliant of these was 
 that made in answer to the " Antimony Triumph- 
 ant " of Eusebius Renaudot, i.e.: 
 
 De I'antimoine il faut chanter la gloire ! 
 II pent monter, das un char de victoire 
 Au Capitole avec des chevaux blancs. 
 Applaudissez, histrions, charlatans ; 
 Et d'une drogue enflez encore vos lis'es ! 
 Heros, jamais, eut-il plus de lauriers, 
 S'il ne s'agit pour gagner une page 
 Dans les recits qui passent d'age en age, 
 Que de tuer les hommes par milliers. 
 
 This inscription recalls the Latin one, "Lib- 
 erator patriae," addressed to the physicians who 
 attended Pope Leo X. in his last illness. In the 
 same manner the physician Curtius was regarded 
 as having caused the death of Pope Clement VIII. 
 by his powerful remedies, and was described as 
 one well worthy of recompense for the valuable 
 public service thus rendered. 
 
 Curtius occidit Clementem, Curtius auro 
 Donandus, per quern publica parta salus. 
 
 Or, rendered into English, "Curtius has killed 
 Clement ; a reward should be given to Curtius, 
 for he has saved the State." 
 
 The cure of Louis XIV, and the death of his 
 Minister, are attributed, rightfully or wrongfully, 
 to this same medicine, and led it to be said that 
 antimonial wine had saved France on two occa- 
 sions. 
 
 Notwithstanding the success obtained by 
 Valot, that ardent partisan of tartar emetic, he 
 was the butt of the most biting sarcasm. Guy
 
 102 
 
 TJie Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 persons. It is not more than three weeks 
 since that I witnessed its marvellous effects. 
 
 Don Juan : Where and how ? 
 
 Sganarelle: There was a man who for 
 six days was in mortal agony. They knew 
 not what further remedies to prescribe in 
 the case, as all prescriptions failed; so 
 they finished the treatment by giving an 
 emetic. 
 
 Don Juan : He recovered ? 
 
 Sganarelle: No, he died. 
 
 Don Juan : The effect of the remedy is 
 admirable ! 
 
 Sganarelle : How ! He had been sick 
 for days trying to die, and antimonial wine 
 relieved him promptly. Certainly, no 
 medicine, in such a case, could be more 
 efficacious. (') 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM " LOVE IS THE BEST 
 DOCTOR. "(0 
 
 Act II. — Scene i. 
 
 Lizette : What will you do, sir, with 
 four doctors ? Is not one sufficient to kill 
 a person ? 
 
 Patin has given him the nickname of Gargan — tiia, 
 because he accuses him of killing, with his much- 
 vaunted panacea, one of the Ministers of Finance, 
 Gargan. This malicious Guy Patin produces, in 
 his " Letters," an epigram against Valot on the 
 occasion of the death of Henrietta, Queen of Eng- 
 land, i.e.: 
 
 Henri d'un coup de baionnette 
 Charles finit sur un billot ; 
 
 Et maintenant meurt Henriette 
 Par r ignorance dc Valot. 
 
 1 This piece has been put in French verses by 
 the celebrated Corneille, in 1673. 
 
 2 The four doctors satirized by Moliere in this 
 piece were the principal Court physicians, i.e., 
 De Fougerais, Esprit, Guenaut, and Dacquin. 
 All four of these men were the butt of sarcasms 
 on all hands. One day Guenaut was blocked in 
 his carriage, and a coachman, recognizing him, 
 
 Sganarelle : Hold your tongue. Miss ! 
 Four counsellors are better than one. 
 
 Lizette: Cannot your daughter die 
 more easily without the assistance of these 
 gentlemen ? 
 
 Sganarelle: Do you think doctors kill 
 people ? 
 
 Lizette : Without doubt. I know a man 
 who proved this — by incontestible reasons, 
 too ; he maintained that one should never 
 say this person died from a fever or from a 
 fluxion of the lungs, but from four doctors 
 and two apothecaries. (') 
 
 Sganarelle : Tut ! Do not offend these 
 gentlemen. 
 
 Lizette ; Goodness ! Sir, our cat recov- 
 ered from a leap it made from the house- 
 top to the street below, and it neither ate 
 nor moved a foot for the space of three 
 days. It is fortunate there are no cat 
 doctors, for pussy would have been finished 
 up with purgatives and bleedings. 
 
 Sganarelle : Shut your mouth, I say. 
 What impertinence ! But here they are. 
 
 Lizette : Look out, now, and you will be 
 edified. They will tell you your daughter 
 is sick — in Latin, too. 
 
 Scene 2. 
 
 Sganarelle : Well, gentlemen ? 
 
 Dr. Tomes : We have examined the 
 patient sufficiently, and find much that is 
 impure in her. 
 
 exclaimed, "Let this doctor pass through, it is 
 he who did the people a kindness by killing the 
 Cardinal ! " Louis XIV himself secretly enjoyed 
 and encouraged Moliere to lampoon his physi- 
 cians, wholly in a spirit of mischief, however. 
 Yet we know the King once remarked, " Physi- 
 cians often make us weep; sometimes, however, 
 they make us laugh." 
 
 I Imitation of the epitaph on the Emperor 
 Adrian : Turba medicorum perii — I died of too 
 many physicians.
 
 TJie Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 103 
 
 Sganarelle : My daughter impure, sir ! 
 
 I)r. Tomes : I desire to say there is 
 much impurity and corruption in her 
 body. 
 
 Sganarelle ; Ah ! I understand more 
 clearly. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : But we are now going to 
 consult together. 
 
 Sganarelle : Lizette, give the gentlemen 
 chairs. 
 
 Lizette {to Dr. Tomes): Ah, sir, are you 
 with them ? 
 
 Sganarelle {to Lizette) : Do you know 
 this gentleman ? 
 
 Lizette: I saw him at your niece's house 
 only the other day. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : How is her coachman ? 
 
 Lizette : Better off, indeed. He is dead. 
 
 Dr, Tomes : Dead ? 
 
 Lizette: Yes, dead. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : That cannot be possible. 
 
 Lizette : I know not whether it be pos- 
 sible or not, but I know full well that he is 
 dead. 
 
 Dr. Tomes: He cannot be dead, no 
 matter what you say. 
 
 Lizette: I tell you he is dead and 
 buried. 
 
 Dr. Tomes: You deceive yourself, 
 Miss. 
 
 Lizette : I saw him die. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : That is impossible, for 
 Hippocrates says that that kind of dis- 
 eases only terminate at the end of the 
 fourteenth day, or at the twenty-fifth day 
 at furthest ; the coachman only fell ill six 
 days smce. 
 
 Lizette : Hippocrates may say what he 
 pleases, but I tell you that coachman is 
 dead. 
 
 Sganarelle : Peace, you chatterer. Let 
 us leave these men to their consultation. 
 Gentlemen, I beg you to consult very care- 
 fully in my daughter's case. 
 
 Scene 4.(') 
 
 Sganarelle : Gentlemen, my daughter's 
 oppression increases. I beg you to tell me 
 quickly what course of treatment you have 
 decided on. Speak, gentlemen, I beseech 
 you one after the other. Let me have 
 your opinions. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : Sir, we have consulted re- 
 garding your daughter, and my notion is 
 that her illness proceeds from too great 
 heat of the blood; hence, conclude that 
 bleeding is the proper remedy. 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres : I hold that her mal- 
 ady is due to a corruption of the humors, 
 caused by over-repletion, and hence would 
 advise an emetic. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : But I insist that an emetic 
 would kill her ! 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres : And your bleeding 
 would likewise cause her death ! 
 
 Dr. Tojnes : And you are considered a 
 learned man ! 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres : Yes, and much 
 more learned than you are. I could loan 
 you brains in all matters of medical eru- 
 dition. 
 
 Dr. Tomes : You remember that man 
 you slew the other day ? 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres : I suppose you too 
 can recall the woman you sent to the other 
 world but three days since ? 
 
 Dr. Tomes [to Sganarelle] : Sir, I have 
 expressed my opmion. 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres ; I have expressed 
 my thoughts likewise. 
 
 Dr. Tomes: If your daughter is not 
 bled immediately she will die. 
 
 Dr. Desfonandres: If you have her 
 bled she will not live a quarter of an hour. 
 
 Sganarelle [aside] : Which one of these 
 
 I This scene is the exact counterpart of the 
 famous consultation that occurred at Vincennes 
 between Guenaut and Valot.
 
 04 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 two men shall I believe, and what can I 
 do under such opposite and decided opin- 
 ions? \To the physicians.] Gentlemen, I 
 implore you to settle my mind on this dif- 
 ficult subject, and tell me what you think 
 the proper treatment for my daughter ? 
 
 Dr. Macrotin : Sir, in such matters it is 
 absolutely necessary to proceed with cir- 
 cumspection, lest we make mistakes, and, 
 according to our master mind, Hippocra- 
 tes, thereby engender dangerous conse- 
 quences to the patient. 
 
 Dr. Bahis [hastily] : It is true ; it is 
 needful to be careful in all that's done. 
 This is no child's play ; and when errors 
 are committed it is not easy to repair the 
 injury done. Experi77ientum periculosum. 
 This is why it is well to reason first so that 
 we may duly consider matters, such as 
 temperament, et cetera, and examine into 
 the causes of the affection before applying 
 remedies. 
 
 Sganarelle : One of these two last speak- 
 ers is a turtle ; the other is a race horse. 
 
 Dr. Macrotin ; Yes, sir, to come down 
 to facts, your daughter has a chronic mal- 
 ady, to which she will yield unless given 
 relief. The symptoms all indicate a fuligi- 
 nous and mordicant vapor that inflames 
 the membranes of her brain. Now, this 
 vaporous exhalation is termed in Greek at 
 mos, and is undoubtedly caused by putrid 
 humors, which are tenacious and congluti- 
 nous, and have their origin in the lower 
 belly. 
 
 Dr. Bahis : And as these humors have 
 been engendered by a long fermentation 
 of time, they become hardened and ac- 
 quire a malignity which causes them to 
 float upward to the brain. 
 
 Dr. Macrotin : It is necessary, then, to 
 draw, detach, pull out, expel, and evacu- 
 ate the aforesaid humors, so that a strong 
 purgative is required. Previous to this, 
 
 however, I find by experience that it is 
 well to use anodyne remedies; that is to 
 say, small emollient and detersive injec- 
 tions, cooling syrups mixed in tisane. 
 
 Dr. Bahis : After this we may come to 
 emetics and bleeding — they seem to be re- 
 quired. 
 
 Dr. Macrotin : 'Tis true that your 
 daughter may die, but you will at least 
 have the consolation of knowing that she 
 expired according to medical rules. 
 
 Dr. Bahis : It is always better to die 
 according to rule than contrary to medical 
 ordinances. 
 
 Dr. Macrotin : I sincerely say that is 
 my opinion. Sir. 
 
 Dr. Bahis : I have spoken to you as 
 plainly as I would to my own brother. 
 
 Sganarelle \ivith emotion] : Gentlemen, I 
 sincerely thank you for the pains you have 
 taken to consult properly. [Aside.] I am 
 more uncertain than ever. The D — 1 ! but 
 an idea possesses me. I will make her 
 take Orvietan ; it is a quack remedy, but 
 Orvietan is an agent that many men have 
 used with benefit. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM **A DOCTOR IN SPITE 
 OF HIMSELF." 
 
 Act III. Scene i. 
 
 Sganarelle [rising hurriedly] : You do not 
 understand Latin ? 
 
 Geronte : No. 
 
 Sganarelle [finding himself dealing with 
 one ignorant of the tongue] : Cabricias avis 
 thuram, catalamus, singulariter, nominativo, 
 haec musa, bonus, bona bonum. Deus 
 Sanctus, estne oratio Latinas ? 
 
 Geronte [overpowered by the display of 
 erudition] : Ah ! I never studied it. 
 
 Jacqueline : Ah ! he is a skilful man. 
 
 Lucas : Yes ; his words are beautiful 
 and to my taste.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 105 
 
 Sganarelle : Now these vapors, of which 
 I have spoken, pass from the left side 
 where the liver lies to the right side where 
 the heart is always found. It is found in 
 the lung, which we call in Latin armyan^ 
 and communicates with the brain, which 
 we call in the Greek nasmus, by means of 
 the vena cava, which is called in Hebrew 
 cubile. These vapors fill the ventricle of 
 the scapula, and you may from thence 
 perceive they arc very malignant. Listen, 
 now, carefully. 
 
 Geronte : We will indeed ! 
 
 Sganarelle : They have a certain malig- 
 nity which is caused — Be attentive now, 
 if you please. 
 
 Geronte : We are all attention ! 
 
 Sganarelle : Which is caused by the ac- 
 cretion of humors engendered in the con- 
 cavity of the diaphragm, hence these 
 vapors. Ossandus fuqueis, patarinum, 
 quipsa milus. Now I have told you the 
 reason your daughter is dumb. 
 
 Jacqueline : Ah ! that is beautifully and 
 clearly told. 
 
 EXTRACTS FRON MONSIEUR POUR- 
 CEAUGNAC. 
 
 Act I. Scene 8. 
 
 Peasant [to Doctor] : Sir, he can stand 
 no more; he says he feels the greatest 
 pain in the world in his head. 
 
 Doctor: The patient is a fool, for in 
 the disease from which he suffers he can 
 have no pain in his head, according to 
 Galen, but it is his spleen that troubles 
 him. 
 
 Peasant: Be that as it may, he has 
 run off from the belly for six months. 
 
 Doctor : Good ! That is a sign that 
 what is within is coming out. I will go 
 and visit him in two or three days ; but if 
 he dies before that time do not forget to 
 
 inform me, for it is not good manners to 
 have a physician visit the dead. 
 
 Patienfs Daughter \to Doctor] : My 
 father, sir, has always been more or less 
 delicate. 
 
 Doctor: That's not my fault. I have 
 given him all manner of remedies, why is 
 he not well? How many times has he 
 been bled lately ? 
 
 The Daughter: Fifteen times, sir, in 
 twenty days. 
 
 Doctor: What, bled fifteen times ? 
 
 The Daughter : Yes, sir. 
 
 Doctor: And not yet cured ? 
 
 The Daughter ; No, sir. 
 
 Doctor : That's a sure sign the disease 
 is not in his blood. We must purge him 
 fifteen times to see whether it be in the 
 humors. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM LE MALADE 
 IMAGINAIRE. 
 
 Scene 9. 
 
 Argan : I pray you to tell me, sir, how 
 I am. 
 
 Diafoirus \ feeling his pulse]: Ah! 
 Thomas, take his other arm. Let us see 
 what our united judgment is on his pulse. 
 Quid dicis? 
 
 Thomas Diafoirus : Dico that the pulse 
 of this gentleman is the pulse of a man 
 who is not well. It is a hard old pulse. 
 
 Diafoirus : That's true, my dear. 
 
 Thomas Diafoirus: Elastic. 
 
 Diafoirus : Bene. 
 
 Thomas Diafoirus : And a little capri- 
 cious. 
 
 Diafoirus : Optime. 
 
 Thomas Diafoirus: This indicates a 
 disorder of the parenchyma of the spleen. 
 
 Diafoirus : Good for you ! 
 
 Argan : No. Doctor Purgon says that 
 it is my liver that is affected.
 
 io6 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 Diafoirus : Yes, that's what pafenchytne 
 means, either the one or the other, either 
 the liver or the spleen, by reason of the 
 close sympathy, Ta breve^ and often of the 
 meatus cholodochus and pylorus. He ordered 
 you, doubtless, to eat roast meat. 
 
 Argan : He ordered me to take no food 
 that was not boiled. 
 
 Diafoirus : Of course. Roasted and 
 boiled are the same thing. 
 
 Argan: Doctor, how many grains of 
 salt shall I put to each boiled egg ? 
 
 Diafoirus : Six, eight, ten, or more, in 
 even numbers, however, as in medicine we 
 go by even numbers. 
 
 Argan: Thanks, Doctor. Call again. 
 
 Scene 14. 
 
 Toinette [in garb of a physician\ : Who 
 is your doctor? 
 
 Argan : Doctor Purgon. 
 
 Toinette : I do not find his name among 
 the list of more celebrated physicians. 
 What did he say ailed you ? 
 
 Argan : He said it was my liver ; other 
 physicians called in tell me it is my spleen^ 
 
 Toinette ; They are all ignoramuses : it 
 is your lung that is affected. 
 
 Argan : My lungs? 
 
 Toinette: Yes, your lungs. How do 
 you feel? 
 
 Argan : I have pain in the head from 
 time to time. 
 
 Toinette: Of course; that's from your 
 lungs. 
 
 Argan : I have pain in my heart some- 
 times. 
 
 Toinette : Yes. That's from your lungs. 
 
 Argan : I have numbness in my limbs 
 sometimes. 
 
 Toinette : Most assuredly. That's from 
 your lungs. 
 
 Argan : At some hours I have belly- 
 ache. 
 
 Toinette : Certainly ! That's your lungs. 
 Do you not have an appetite ? 
 
 Argan : Yes. 
 
 Toinette : There it is again — all caused 
 by your lungs. Do you drink a little wine 
 now and then ? 
 
 Argan : Yes, Doctor. 
 
 Toinette : The lungs to blame again. I 
 suppose you sleep a little after each meal, 
 and feel all the better for the slumber ? 
 
 Argan : Yes, Doctor. 
 
 Toinette : The lungs, the lungs. You 
 could not do thus without lungs. What 
 has your physician ordered you as a diet ? 
 
 Argan : He ordered me to take soup. 
 
 Toinette : He is an ass ! 
 
 Argan : Poultry. 
 
 Toinette : He is a fool ! 
 
 Argan : He said to eat veal. 
 
 Toinette : He is a scoundrel ! 
 
 Argan : He told me to take fresh eggs. 
 
 Toinette : He is a perfect ignoramus. 
 
 Argan : At night, he recommended me 
 to eat stewed prunes to keep my bowels 
 open. 
 
 Toinette : Ah, the rascal ! 
 
 Argan : Also, to take my wine well 
 diluted. 
 
 Toinette: Ignorantus, ignoranta, ignoran- 
 turn. Take your wine strong and pure. It 
 will thicken your blood, which is weak. 
 Eat good fat beef, hog meat, old cheese 
 from Holland. Your physician is a knav- 
 ish beast. Come into my hands for treat- 
 ment. 
 
 Argan : I should feel under obliga- 
 tions. Doctor, if you will but take my case 
 in charge. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM "THE FLYING DOCTOR." 
 
 Scene 4. 
 
 Gorgibus [father of Lucille\\ I am your 
 most obedient, Doctor. I was sent to re-
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctoi^s. 
 
 107 
 
 quest you to visit my daughter, who is ill. 
 I put every hope in you, sir. 
 
 Sganarelle : Hippocrates says, and 
 Galen for the same reason concludes, that 
 no one feels well when he is sick. You 
 are right to place your hope in me, for I 
 am the ablest, greatest, and most skilful 
 physician there is in the vegetable, mine- 
 ral, or animal Faculty. 
 
 Gorgibus : I am charmed with you, sir. 
 
 Sganarelle : Do not deem me an ordi- 
 nary physician, sir; a common practitioner 
 I am not. All other doctors are, to my 
 mind, only medical abortions. I have my 
 own particular talents. I have secret 
 remedies. Per omnia s(zcula sceculorum. 
 
 Sabina {cousin to Lucille) : But, sir, it is 
 not this man who is sick ; it is his daugh- 
 ter. 
 
 Sganarelle : That makes no difference. 
 The blood of* father and daughter is the 
 same thing, and by the alteration of that of 
 the father I shall know that of the child. 
 Mr. Gorgibus, can I examine her urine? 
 
 Gorgibus (to Sabina) : Go quickly and 
 fetch some of my fair daughter's urine. 
 Ah ! Doctor, I fear she will die. 
 
 Sganarelle: I will take good medical 
 care of her, sir ; but she might die without 
 a physician prescribed — [Sabina returns] 
 Ah ! here it is. Really, this urine, from 
 its appearance, denotes inflammation of 
 the intestines, and she must be really ill. 
 
 Gorgibus (indignant) ; What, Doctor ! Do 
 you taste it ? 
 
 Sganarelle: Be not astonished at that; 
 ordinary physicians are content to look at 
 the virgin fluid, but I am a true doctor, 
 one outside the common horde. I swallow 
 some of this amber liquid, so that by my 
 keen taste I may discern the cause and 
 remedy for your daughter's malady ; but, 
 to tell the truth, her urine is too scanty in 
 amount to pass full judgment on her case. 
 
 I would therefore desire more of her 
 water. 
 
 (Sabina leaves the room but presently 
 returns with more urine.) 
 
 Sabina : I had great trouble making her 
 void more water, 
 
 Sganarelle : What's that ? Here's a 
 scanty supply. If all my patients, sir, 
 passed their water in the stingy way of 
 your daughter, I would be a doctor for 
 many years to come. 
 
 Sabifia (to the father) ; Lucille says she 
 can pass no more urine, no matter what 
 the doctor says. 
 
 Sganarelle : Sir, your daughter urinates 
 only in drops. She's a poor waterer certes. 
 I see I must order her a strong diuretic. 
 Can I now see the patient ? 
 
 Sabina: She has risen from her bed 
 and dressed. You may enter her room if 
 you desire. 
 
 EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF MOLIERE. 
 
 Quoi ! c'est done le pauvre Moliere 
 Qu'on porte dans la cimetiere, 
 
 S' ecrierent quelque voisins ! 
 Non, dit certain Apoticaire, 
 C'est le malade imaginaire 
 
 Qui veut railler les Medecins. 
 
 EPITAPH ON MOLIERE. 
 
 Here lies one who knew the art of creating laugh- 
 ter 
 
 At the expense of the whole world. 
 
 He seasoned his verses with the pungent salt of 
 satire. 
 
 His style was agreeable and never dull. 
 
 He played for the healthy and the sick, young 
 and old ; 
 
 Men and women, the easily pleased and over- 
 critical, 
 
 Gentlemen and commoners, marquis and peasant. 
 
 Were the subject of his many comedies. 
 
 Happy had it been for him had he not attacked 
 doctors ; 
 
 These latter hypocrites bear him eternal hatred, 
 
 Permitting him to descend to the tomb without 
 assistance.
 
 io8 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors, 
 
 They are doctors without remedies, 
 Bigots without even a sacrament. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Contre Moliere, un Medecin, 
 Ayant fait un mauvais dessein, 
 
 Avec un pere a Pater-notre. 
 Tous deux r attendoient a sa fin ; 
 Mais Moliere fut le plus fin, 
 
 Et se passa de 1' un et 1' autre. 
 
 * >}. * 
 
 PASCAL (French philosopher, 1623 to 
 1662). 
 
 PENSEES. 
 
 If doctors wore not cassocks and had 
 no mules, they would not have duped the 
 world, which was never able to resist this 
 parade. 
 
 If magistrates had true justice, if doc- 
 tors had true art in curing, the majesty of 
 the science of law and medicine would be 
 vmdicated. But, as they have only imag- 
 inary sciences, it is necessary for them to 
 use instruments that appeal to those imag- 
 inations with which they have to deal ; it 
 is by doing this that they induce respect. 
 
 * * * 
 PELLISSON (1624 to 1693). 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 D'un ennemi voulez vous vous defaire 
 Ne cherchez point d' assassins. 
 Donnez lui deux Medecins, 
 
 Et qu'ils soient d'avis contraire. 
 
 * * =^ 
 
 TABARIN (lyth century). 
 Questiofis. 
 
 THE PATIENT, THE DOCTOR AND HIS 
 MULE. 
 
 Tabarin : My dear master, I could not 
 help admiring the doctor who came to see 
 your sick father yesterday, he was so digni- 
 
 fied, so distinguished-looking, as he descen- 
 ded from his mule in front of your door. 
 
 The Master : What, Tabarin ! You as- 
 tonish me by such remarks. Why should 
 you admire his appearance in dismounting 
 from his mule ? Would you rather the 
 mule attend the patient ? 
 
 Tabarin : Well, perhaps the mule is more 
 worthy of admiration than the doctor. 
 
 The Master: Oh, you stupid ! Don't 
 you see that there is nothing strange in a 
 physician visiting a patient on a mule and 
 leaving the animal outside at the door ? 
 
 Tabarin: I find, by reasoning, that it 
 would be better for the patient to be visited 
 by the mule than the doctor. Let me ask 
 why the doctor goes to see the patient ? 
 
 The Master: The doctor is a man of 
 science ; he has skill wherewith to remove 
 the disease ; he gives proper remedies to 
 rertore health, and by the compositions he 
 makes he re-enforces Nature and cures the 
 malady. 
 
 Tabarin : Speaking in this fashion, you 
 defend my side of the question, for I draw 
 from you an infallible argument that it 
 would be better for the mule to visit the 
 patient than the doctor. Is it not a pity 
 that one beast should stand at the door in 
 the cold while the other warms himself in- 
 side at the fireplace and cheers his entrails 
 with a good glass of wine ? The reason 
 that you give to support your idea is that 
 the physician sees the patient because that 
 he carries the science ; as for me, I insist 
 that the mule should visit the patient, inas- 
 much as he carries the science, medical 
 doctrine and physician all together. 
 
 X. 
 
 WHO ARE THOSE WHO MOCK DOCTORS 
 AND APOTHECARIES ? 
 
 Tabarin : Who are those who, to your 
 mind, mock physicians and apothecaries 
 most?
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 109 
 
 The Master : Those are the ignorant, 
 who have no faith and rail at doctors' pre- 
 scriptions ; people who ignore the fact that 
 medicine is a Divine art from Heaven, 
 which restores Nature to its perfection, 
 medicine is the science of all natural 
 sciences, and badly understood by those 
 who scoff at its miracles. Attissimus de 
 ca'lo creavit medicinam et vir prudens non ab 
 horrerit earn. 
 
 Tabarin: I said lately to a sewing girl 
 who made stockings for me, Homo et vir 
 prudens non ab horrerit eum. 
 
 The Master : By the Powers that be ! 
 I hold that those who contemn doctors are 
 ignoramuses. 
 
 Tabarin : You deceive yourself, for 
 those who mock doctors are those who 
 themselves need medical aid ; they are the 
 sick. 
 
 The Master : The sick, Tabarin ? How 
 can a patient mock a physician, seeing 
 that he asks his kindly assistance ? 
 
 Tabarin : Is it not a mockery when 
 these medical asses make you stick your 
 tongue out half a foot for the benefit of 
 those who come to see that organ ? 
 
 XI. WHO ARE THE BEST DOCTORS. 
 
 Tabarin : My dear master ! 
 
 The Master : What is it, Tabarin ? 
 
 Tabarin : Only a word, if you please. 
 I have heard it said that you are a perfect 
 judge of healthy faeces. 
 
 The Master: Medicine is the best 
 judge, you big ass. 
 
 Tabarin: You seem to be a perfect 
 doctor, then. 
 
 The Master : In truth, since my youth 
 I have always judged t'lat such a science 
 would be useful to mankind. However, I 
 do not claim superiority as an expert. I 
 arrived at this knowledge as much by con- 
 stant practice as by speculations; and now- 
 
 adays a man is always praised for having 
 employed his time in the serious study of a 
 specialty, and thus contributes a little of 
 his nature to an investigation that may 
 prove profitable. 
 
 Tabarin : It is not necessary to spend 
 all your youth in this particular branch of 
 medicine. To study the quahty of healthy 
 faeces it is necessary to frapper a ma porte 
 dcrriere. 
 
 The Master : Oh, you impertinent fel- 
 low ! Do you mean to assert I must taste 
 something to obtain knowledge ? 
 
 Tabarin : By the death of my life ! you 
 will find I entertain such a sentiment. But 
 tell me truly, I pray you, who are the best 
 physicians, and how do they distinguish 
 diseases ? 
 
 The Master: The best doctors are 
 those who have a perfect knowledge of the 
 nature of things, men who know qualities, 
 passions, properties, compositions, tem- 
 peraments, complexions, and, reflecting on 
 all their knowledge of these things, have a 
 proper judgment on all matters relating to 
 health. And although those who have the 
 theory may be very good, it is those who 
 join theory with long practice that are the 
 best; because they have more perfect 
 notions of illness and accidents and those 
 remedies that alleviate or cure them, tor 
 the whole vital essence of medicine con- 
 sists in experience. 
 
 Tabarin : But I desire to know from 
 you how to tell a disease from a sick 
 man? 
 
 The Master : We know that when we 
 make a professional visit. We feel the 
 pulse, ask what part of the body has pain, 
 we look at the patient's color, and analyze 
 his urine ; we demand if he has an appe- 
 tite, and make other queries. 
 
 Tabarin : Zounds ! Truly when the pa- 
 tient tells you his illness it is easy for you to
 
 lO 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 know where the disease exists. But I can 
 teach you a secret : Know, the very best 
 doctors are the wine makers. 
 
 The Master : The wine makers ? Give 
 me a proof of this ! 
 
 Tabarin : When a wine maker goes to 
 visit a cask of his wine, he does not ask it 
 whether it is white or red, he does not say, 
 ''Do you feel badly? Are you sour?" 
 etc. He only knows the malady of the 
 wine by its interior properties. He opens 
 the bunghole of the cask, he puts his nose 
 into the opening and smells; he strikes the 
 belly of the cask with his fist and the 
 vapors are exhaled. Thus he knows 
 whether the wine be good or bad, sick or 
 well. The same thing should be done 
 when you go to visit a sick person. You 
 should not question and discourse over 
 much, but should stand your patient up- 
 right, and by putting your head beneath 
 his thighs you can get your nose closer to 
 the fundament, when by pounding the pa- 
 tient on the bare belly you may secure 
 those gaseous, fragrant, and delicious in- 
 testinal odors, by which method you can 
 best judge of the disease lodged within, 
 after having smelled with all due pro- 
 fessional care. That's the true man- 
 ner of studying disease and being a good 
 doctor. 
 
 The Master : You are a great ass ? 
 
 Tabarin : Or a sheeps' skin for a di- 
 ploma. 
 
 IX. WHEN DOCTORS ARE DECEIVED. 
 
 Tabarin : My Master, since you are a 
 professor of the medical sciences, do you 
 know when doctors are deceived and fail 
 greatly in their recipes ? 
 
 The Master : Physicians are sometimes 
 deceived, Tabarin ; for as we are all com- 
 posed of different temperaments, so is it 
 very difficult to recognize them ; for that 
 
 which is in the interior, although it may 
 give outward signs, and have concealment 
 for the appearances withm, yet often little 
 experience leads one to uncertainty in judg- 
 ment by trusting in superficial indications. 
 There, for instance, is the hot tempera- 
 ment, to which a doctor, applying drying 
 and heating remedies to prevent the spread 
 of the malady, may really augment the 
 difficulty and pain. Another patient may 
 have a cold temperament within, which ex- 
 teriorly may indicate warmth, so that a 
 practitioner is really never absolutely cer- 
 tain. A long experience in medicine must 
 serve to best aid one's judgment before a 
 patient can be prescribed for safely; 
 reason is based on a large number of simi- 
 lar cases observed in practice. I believe, 
 for my part, that we sometimes meet dis- 
 eases where physicians are often deceived, 
 especially in hot and acute maladies, for in 
 such the reason is so much upset by the 
 acuteness of the affection that it cannot be 
 calmly used, for reason is a necessary 
 thing to exercise in order to prevent acci- 
 dents. Time and meditation are real ad- 
 juncts for the healing art ; and this leisure 
 in prescribing cannot always be practiced 
 in acute cases where the disease will not 
 permit us to delay medication. 
 
 Tabarin : You are a fine doctor ; you 
 are wise and well posted. It is not hot 
 maladies where physicians are most often 
 deceived ordinarily, but when they order 
 an active purgative to cleanse the brain of 
 a woman, for instance; where the medi- 
 cine seeks the brain high and low, to ope- 
 rate, and finds it not. This is the abuse of 
 drugs, my Master. 
 
 The Master : To put out one's tongue 
 is a sign of derision. 
 
 Tabarin : Yes. When a doctor visits a 
 patient and the patient sticks out his 
 tongue it is often as a sign of mockery.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 The Master: And what about the 
 apothecary ? 
 
 Tabarifi : The apothecary has an ad- 
 vantage ; for, if he comes with a clyster to 
 a patient whom he visits, the patient pre- 
 sents him his rump, which, under most 
 noses, is very indicative. Are not all these 
 things derisive and mocking ? 
 
 * * * 
 
 MADAME DE SEVIGNE (1626 to 
 1696). 
 
 Letters. 
 
 LETTER TO M. DE POMPONNE. 
 
 Nowefnbcr 24th, 1664. 
 Madam Fouquet has given a plaster to 
 the Queen that has cured Her Majesty of 
 her convulsions, (') which were, properly 
 speaking, only hysterical. The physicians 
 in the case, without prescribing a plaster 
 even, refrained from expressing an opin- 
 ion, and made their visit at the expense of 
 the truth. 
 
 LETTERS TO MADAM DE GRIGNAN. 
 
 December 2d, 167 1. 
 It is said that the new Madam is alto- 
 gether astonished at her greatness, and 
 they will now ask how she acts. When 
 she was presented to her physician, she 
 said she was perfectly well and that she 
 had never been bled, purged nor vomited; 
 that, when she felt unwell, she walked two 
 
 I The day after her accouchement Marie The- 
 resa had a convulsive attack, which sadly fright- 
 ened her attendants ; but the rapidity of her 
 recovery, and the method employed, indicate that 
 the so-called spasm was simply a nervous attack, 
 and that a glass of cold water thrown in the 
 Queen's face revived Her Majesty immediately. 
 When Marie Theresa was first presented to the 
 Court Physician she responded : " 'Wv^ first is well 
 said, for so far in my life I have not needed med- 
 ical attendance." 
 
 leagues afoot and was cured : Lascianio la 
 andar, c he far a buon viags^io.Q) 
 
 December 2d, 1672. 
 Hef) has been copiously and rudely 
 bled ; he objected to this treatment to the 
 last, which was the nth, but the physi- 
 cians insisted ; he told them that if they 
 acted towards him thus, that it was only to 
 kill him according to prescribed rules. 
 
 April 2 2d, 1672. 
 That little Daquin is first physician. 
 '* This favor hath done him as much as he 
 merited." 
 
 April 15th, 1676. 
 My face has not changed. It is because 
 I have not been bled, and that I have not 
 been cured of my malady, and have taken 
 no remedies. 
 
 April 2 2d, 1676. 
 I only hoped for the cure of my hands, 
 shoulders and knees at Vichy, as my poor 
 nerves have been rudely attacked by rheu- 
 matism; so that I can only hope to go 
 thither. The Abbot Bayard and Saint 
 Herem have attended me; I have told you 
 the beauties of this country and prome- 
 nades, the bracing air, that have brought 
 me to Bourbon. I have seen the most 
 ignorant persons here, who advised me to 
 take different remedies for my hands, and, 
 to satisfy them, I have used some ; but I 
 am best contented with Vichy. 
 
 April 24th, 1676. 
 I am much troubled with my hands. 
 They did not wish me to leave before the 
 
 1 Let us go and make a good journey {pleasure 
 trip). 
 
 I 2 Charles Philippe Augustus Adhemar de 
 j Monteil, one of the brothers of M. de Grignan, 
 i who was attacked by small- pox and died. 
 
 I 3 Verses from the *' Cid."
 
 112 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 I St of May, and the house I desired has 
 been let; Bourbon is the place now, but it 
 is a conspiracy, so I will follow the treat- 
 ment of Vichy. 
 
 May 6th, 1676. 
 Madam du Gue, the nun, is going to 
 Chelles; she is going to open a place there 
 with all kinds of conveniences ; she often 
 changes places, so that a young fellow, 
 Amonio, who is physician to the abbey, 
 and whom I yesterday saw at Livry, is not 
 obhged to remain. My dear child, he is a 
 man of twenty-eight, whose face is as beau- 
 tiful as an angel's, the most charming I 
 have ever seen. He has a garden of herbs 
 at the convent, but he only appears to me 
 to be a ^'Lamponchio."Q) 
 
 May loth, 1676. 
 You have then been obliged to undergo 
 phlebotomy? The delicate little hand of 
 your surgeon made me tremble as you did 
 when he approached. The Prmce once 
 said to his new surgeon: *'Do you not 
 tremble when you bleed me ? " And the 
 little surgeon answered: ''Pardon, sir, it 
 is you who tremble ! " and he told the 
 truth. 
 
 August 26th, 1676. 
 To Vichy, and I do not think I shall 
 return this summer. Vesou said to-day 
 that he wished it were immediately; Lorme 
 said I would die there, that I had then 
 forgotten that I am only on fire and that 
 my rheumatism was come from heat. I 
 love to consult them all, so as to be able to 
 mock them. Can anything be more pleas- 
 ant than such a variety of amusement ? 
 
 I Mazet de Lamporechio, in " Contes de la 
 Fontaine," enters a convent of nuns under guise 
 of a gardener. 
 
 II les engea de petits Mazillons, 
 Desquels on fit de petits moinillons. 
 
 September 25th, 1676. 
 Ah ! what can I say of these doctors ! 
 What a set of boasters they are in their art ! 
 I was told yesterday of that comedy of 
 " Malade Imaginaire," that I have not yet 
 seen acted ; it must be an exact imitation 
 of the actions of these medical gentlemen ; 
 it fits their case ; it is seventeen drops of 
 an elixir in thirteen spoonfuls of water — it 
 there be fourteen spoonfuls the patient was 
 lost. He takes a pill, and is told to walk 
 afterwards about his chamber ; but he is in 
 pain and rests for a brief space of time, for 
 he has forgotten whether he must prome- 
 nade the width or length of his room. Ah ! 
 this made me laugh. 
 
 September 25th, 1676. 
 Beaujean has just received extreme 
 unction, and will not live through the 
 night. In truth, it is a terrible disease ; 
 but, having seen the manner in which phy- 
 sicians bleed poor persons, and knowing I 
 have no veins, I yesterday declared to a 
 gentleman, who came to see me, that I am 
 in danger of dying, and asked him to 
 bring m Dr. Sanguine. (') I am resolved 
 on this course of action. It is only neces- 
 sary to see these gentlemen in order to 
 keep them from having one's body ; it is a 
 back blow they have struck and killed 
 Beaujean. I have thought of Moliere 
 twenty times since I saw this. I hope, 
 nevertheless, that the poor woman will 
 escape all their bad treatment. (') 
 
 November ist, 1679. 
 I spoke to Duchesne of our little doc- 
 tor, to whom our neighborhood has given 
 some patients to kill, in order to see how 
 
 1 Dr. Sanguin — play on words. 
 
 2 " An emetic," says she, further along in the 
 letter, "resuscitated Beaujean, for she was really 
 almost dead.
 
 TJie Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 113 
 
 he would perform the act. He would have 
 suffered in reputation had he not used his 
 privilege of *' slaying with impunity. "(') 
 It is not that the season is contrary to the 
 doctors. This English remedy, () which 
 will be very soon made public, will make 
 them more wicked with their bleeding and 
 other drugs. 
 
 November 24th, 1679. 
 What pleasure it is t6 hear you dis- 
 course on all the chapters you treat! That 
 on medicine fairly ravishes me. I am per- 
 suaded that with the rare intelligence and 
 facility at learning that God has given you, 
 that you can know more than the doctors. 
 Experience may be lacking, and you will 
 not kill with impunity as they do ; but I 
 should be more proud to have you judge 
 of my malady than to have them in attend- 
 ance. It is true that it is only a question 
 of health in this world. ' ' How are you ? " 
 '* Are you well?" and they entirely ignore 
 all that touches the science that is so nec- 
 essary. Take your title ; there is nothing 
 in the science save to put on a red robe as 
 in the comedy. But why will you send us 
 
 1 Allusion is here made to the reception of 
 Argan in the " Malade Imaginaire." 
 
 2 The Chevalier Talbot, an English physician 
 who first introduced cinchona into France. After 
 curing the Dauphin (and not Louis XIV, as 
 Maurice Raynaud has said) of a very rebellious 
 intermittent fever, the King purchased his secret 
 for 48,000 livres. The following verses on this 
 subject are by De Bonnecamp : 
 
 Autrefois un Talbot, ennemi de la France, 
 
 La mit presqu' aux abois par un fer inhumaine ; 
 
 Un Talbot anjourdhui, le gobelet en main. 
 
 Par des coups plus heureux en sauve I'esperance. 
 
 Malheur a Talbot I'assassin ! 
 
 Vive Talbot le Medecin ! 
 
 The Faculty of Medicine did not partake of 
 this enthusiasm, and, of course, condemned the 
 new remedy. "This powder of kinikina," says 
 
 your jolly doctor ? I am answered that the 
 profession is much deceived and held in 
 contempt here ; aside from three or four 
 whom you know, who prescribe the Eng- 
 lish remedy, the rest of the medical fra- 
 ternity hold it in holy horror. 
 
 February 9th, 1680. 
 
 Brother Ange has resuscitated Mare- 
 chal Bellefond and entirely cured his chest, 
 which was to him an object of despair. 
 We went to call, Madam De Coulange and 
 I, on the Grand Duke, whom it was 
 thought would die the last fifteen days; his 
 gout had gone upwards, he was so op- 
 pressed in his lungs that every breath 
 seemed his last sigh ; he had cold sweats 
 and was unconscious; he was as sick as it 
 was possible to be. The physician could 
 do nothing for him, and he called in 
 Brother Ange, who cured him with the 
 most simple and pleasant remedies. His 
 oppression ceased, the gout went back to 
 his legs and feet, and now he is out of 
 danger. 
 
 The Englishman has promised, on the 
 stake of his head to the King, to cure 
 Monseigneur in four days of his fever ; 
 and I really believe if he does not keep his 
 promise he will be thrown out of the win- 
 dow ; but if his prophecies come as true as 
 those he has heretofore made to all the pa- 
 tients he has treated, I should deem him 
 entitled to a temple equal to that erected 
 to ^sculapius. What a pity Moliere is 
 dead, as he would make a marvelous scene 
 of Daquin, who is enraged at not having 
 an equal remedy, and all the other physi- 
 cians, who are overpowered by the experi- 
 ence and success and divine prophecies of 
 
 Guy Patin spitefully, "has no credit on this side 
 of the water. Fools seek it because it is very ex- 
 pensive^ but, in fact, its use is generally ridiculed 
 to-day."
 
 114 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 this little Englishman. (') The King made 
 him compound his remedy before him, 
 and confided to his hands the health of 
 Monseigneur. Madam the Dauphine is 
 already better, and the Count De Gram- 
 mont said yesterday, under the very nose 
 of Daquin: 
 
 Talbot est vainqueur du trepas, 
 Daquin ne lui resiste pas; 
 La Dauphine est convalescente, 
 Que chacun chante, etc.(=) 
 
 November 5 th, 1684. 
 You will then be obliged to cure your- 
 self with your own remedies; this third 
 bleeding, following the second so shortly, 
 and your badly prepared remedies are re- 
 sponsible. You have been badly treated, 
 my poor girl, in all fashions. 
 
 December 13th, 1688. 
 Be not distressed on account of the 
 health of your child; neither bleed nor 
 give it medicmes ; nothing at all ; a good 
 appetite, sound sleep, vigor in fati'^ue; 
 that is what the doctor will rob it of if he 
 be called in attendance. 
 
 October 12th, 1689. 
 The Abbot Bigorre informs me that M. 
 de Niel fell, the other day, in the King's 
 chamber and suffered from a contusion. 
 Felix f) bled him and cut an artery, so that 
 an immediate capital surgical operation 
 was required. What do you think of this, 
 Madam de Grignan ? I do not know of 
 what to most complain, whether it should 
 be his suffering or of a first physician of 
 
 1 Dr. Talbot. 
 
 2 Parody on the chorus of " Alcestes," act v, 
 scene 1st. 
 
 3 Felix de Tassy. It was this surgeon who 
 operated on the King for fistula, November 18th, 
 1686. 
 
 a King who mistakes arteries for veins. 
 Madam de Sully is very ill, all owing 
 to the bad methods of the doctors. She 
 has been milked^ bled, and purged. She is 
 not reasonable on medical points, although 
 she will listen well to any other advice. 
 
 TO THE COUNT DE BUSSY. 
 
 There have been continual fetes, ex- 
 cept at the time of the accouchment of the 
 Dauphiness; for the doctor, not being 
 able to inflict other injury, bled her at the 
 end of the third and during the eighth 
 month, so eager are they to always be 
 doing some mischief. 
 
 REGNIER DESMARAIS (1632 to 
 1713)- 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 When in public, more than elsewhere, 
 a physician shines brilliantly and knows 
 how to recite from Hippocrates and Galen, 
 I believe in him. But when he professes 
 to be more expert and skilful in his art 
 than others, yet fills the town with mourn- 
 ers, I do not believe in him. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Believe me, my Doris most charming, 
 
 'Tis best that your doctors should vanish ; 
 
 They're assassins, the timid alarming, 
 For them all credulity banish. 
 
 In their eloquence is deep designing, 
 Pay no heed to the jargon they say, 
 
 Unless health you think of resigning ; 
 So into their hands never play. 
 
 In vain false conjectures e'er making, 
 
 By judging within from without ; 
 All light and real knowledge forsaking. 
 
 Thus involving what's certain in doubt. 
 
 All futile their efforts at reading 
 I What's writ on humanity's scroll ;
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 115 
 
 Never, even to Nature, conceding 
 That the body is ruled by the soul. 
 
 'Tis true they display a great learning 
 When the vitals by Death are exposed — 
 
 Post mortems the real truth discerning. 
 
 Poor cadavers ! on vv^hom they've imposed. 
 
 The blood through your beautious veins creeping 
 
 Was never intended for waste. 
 Put it not in the cruel doctor's keeping; 
 
 Pray ne'er of their vile senna taste. 
 
 Then be ever trustful, confiding 
 
 To that Nature that gave you a birth. 
 
 The more you keep medicine deriding 
 The longer you'll stay on this earth. 
 
 BOUDIER RENE (1634101723). 
 
 EPIGRAM ON CHRISTOPHER OZANNE, 
 PHYSICIAN OF CHAUDRAY. (') 
 
 With sweet roots and herbs, powdered most finely, 
 Without any Latin, but knowledge more sure, 
 
 A rustic /Esculapius treats all ills divinely, 
 And, even the evils of medicine(2) doth cure. 
 
 ON THE SAME. 
 
 Chris Ozanne's a wonderful fellow, indeed ! 
 
 He will tell you regarding the ills that you 
 feel; 
 
 1 This empiric, who lived at the small hamlet 
 of Chaudray, enjoyed a wonderful reputation in 
 his time. The Abbot of Bordelon devoted a 
 whole volume to this quack, entitled '* Les Mala- 
 dies en belle humeur." The seventh of Borde- 
 lon's letters contains the following : •' When you 
 are carried to Chaudray sick and crippled, you 
 will return from that healing fool perfectly 
 healthy. It is Master Christopher treats you 
 there, contrary to all medical rules, and you there- 
 fore are sure to recover." 
 
 2 Above a portrait of this Ozanne, painted by 
 the celebrated Audran, are the following verses : 
 
 Sans Grec, ni Latin, ni grands mots, 
 Avec une herbe, une racine, 
 Ozanne guerit de tous maux 
 Et surtout de la Medecine. 
 
 Though having no doctor's diploma to bleed, 
 And, though a clod-hopper, he ever doth heal. 
 
 BOILEAU (163610 1711). 
 
 A BURLESQUE DECISION. 
 
 Viewed by the Court, the request pre- 
 sented by the Regents, Masters in Arts, 
 Doctors and Professors of the University, 
 in their own names and as tutors en blanc 
 of Aristotle, ancient and Royal Professor 
 of Greek in the College of Lycia and Pre- 
 ceptor of that King of quarrelsome mem- 
 ory, Alexander the Great, conqueror of 
 Europe, Asia and Africa, besides sundry 
 other places not herein enumerated, we 
 recognize the fact that an unknown party, 
 called Reason, has entered by force the 
 portals of the aforesaid University; and, 
 in doing this, has been assisted by certain 
 facetious quidatns, bearing the names of 
 Gassendentists, Cartesians, Malabranchists 
 and Pourchotists, persons without foresight, 
 who conspire to expel the previously men- 
 tioned Aristotle, former ancient and peace- 
 able possessor of the aforesaid School, to 
 which end these and their consorts have 
 already pubUshed several books, treatises, 
 dissertations and defamatory articles, citing 
 the above-mentioned Aristotle to submit to 
 an examination before them on his doc- 
 trines, which will be in direct opposition to 
 all the laws and customs of the previously 
 mentioned University or the aforesaid 
 Aristotle, as the latter has always been 
 recognized as one from whose judgment no 
 appeal can be taken and one not to be 
 held responsible for his opinions; these per- 
 sons have, without consultation, changed 
 and created innovations in the natural 
 order things, having agreed that the heart 
 was not the principal nerve centre, as the 
 Grecian author has decided literally and at
 
 ii6 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 his own free will ; these iconoclasts have 
 ceded this right and privilege to the brain, 
 and afterwards, by a procedure made in all 
 nullity, have attributed to the aforesaid 
 heart the mission of receiving, among other 
 things, the chile, which before had be- 
 longed to the liver, so that the blood 
 charging around through the body with 
 full power may circulate with impunity by 
 means of veins and arteries, yet having no 
 other right nor title to perform the afore- 
 said vexatious actions. (^) 
 
 In Florence once lived a doctor, a 
 learned man but a celebrated assassin. 
 For a long period of time he had caused 
 the public great misery ; on one hand an 
 orphan girl asked for her father, on the 
 other a brother wept for a poisoned 
 brother — one died empty of blood, the 
 other expired full of senna ; whenever this 
 doctor appeared in the presence of rheuma- 
 tism that disease turned to pleurisy, and in 
 his hands an ordinary headache became a 
 frenzied delirium. He finally left Florence, 
 detested by all its inhabitants. To him 
 only one friend remained, all the others 
 having died. This friend was a wealthy 
 abbot, who was a monomaniac on the sub- 
 ject of architecture ; the doctor at once 
 conceived a great admiration for the build- 
 
 I This extract from a long and not very inter- 
 esting burlesque will suffice for the average Eng- 
 lish reader. " This curious piece," says Ray- 
 naud, " so well expressed in the judicial language 
 of that epoch, which Boileau has so well utilized, 
 had almost the same origin as the ' Maladie Im- 
 aginaire.' It was conceived and executed with 
 the assistance of that witty physic'an, Bernier, 
 the true friend of Moliere, and, like the drama- 
 tists, a pupil of Gassendi." At the present day a 
 full rendering in English translation would 
 neither entertain nor instruct, hence a good rea- 
 son for the omission. 
 
 ing art. On the roof of the abbot's house 
 he constructed what is known as a Man- 
 sard ; he placed vestibules here and ap- 
 proved of stairways there. The abbot 
 called in a mason, who agreed with all the 
 medical architect's plans. The medical 
 assassin now left the doctor's trade forever ; 
 he renounced drugs, and instead could 
 always be found rule and compass in hand ; 
 leaving to Galen the suspected science, he 
 became a good architect. His example 
 affords all bunglers an excellent precept, 
 for to young doctors we may say, without 
 fear of contradiction, You had best be an 
 architect or stone-mason if your talent lays 
 that way. 
 
 LETTER TO THE MARSHAL DE VIVONNE. 
 
 You must know, then, Monsieur, there 
 is a doctor at Paris named P.,(0 a great 
 enemy of health and the opponent of good 
 sense ; but, in recompense for this, he has 
 a great friend in M. Quinault. A move- 
 ment of pity for his country, or rather the 
 small gains he made at his trade, finally 
 made him embrace another occupation. 
 He frequented the offices of Le Vau and 
 Ratabon,(''') and finally became an archi- 
 tect, so that in a few years he erected more 
 poor buildings than as a doctor he had 
 ruined good healths. He is not the first 
 physician who has quitted his trade for 
 that of the trowel and architecture, f) 
 
 LETTERS TO RACINE. 
 
 Since my last epistle I have been bled, 
 purged, etc.; in fact, none of the pretend- 
 
 1 Claude Perrault. 
 
 2 Two celebrated architects. 
 
 3 Louis Savot, physician to the King, died at 
 Paris in 164O ; he translated the works of Galen, 
 and afterwards gave up the profession for that of 
 architecture. ' 
 
 ^
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 117 
 
 ed formalities have been omitted prior to 
 taking the water. The medicine I have 
 taken to-day will do me, so it is said, a 
 world of good ; so I fell down four or 
 five times from weakness, and I am in 
 such a healthy state that I have trouble 
 in living. 
 
 The waters here have done me great 
 good, according to all rules, since they de- 
 prive me of rest and drive everything out 
 of my body, except the disease for which 
 I am taking the fluid. Dr. Bourdier, my 
 physician, insists that my voice is stronger 
 than when I arrived; Bandiere, my apothe- 
 cary, who is deaf, pretends the same thing; 
 but they strive to flatter me, or rather 
 flatter themselves, etc. 
 
 LINES ON ONE OF MY COUSINS WHO DIED 
 IN A charlatan's HANDS. (') 
 
 (Sonnet.) 
 
 Nursed in the same cradle with thee, my Orantes, 
 
 And no less by heart than by blood close 
 
 allied ; 
 
 With thee my dear cousin, my sweetheart in 
 
 fancy, 
 
 I tasted the full sweets of youth's morning tide. 
 
 But a false .^sculapius, an ignorant creature, 
 Has torn thee away by his failure to cure ; 
 
 Farewell the bright days that come no more, 
 darling. 
 Ah ! can I e'er conquer the grief I endure? 
 
 This rude blow has driven the tears to my eyes, 
 And the pen in my hand faint expresses my 
 pain. 
 
 Ah ! cursed be this doctor's perfidious act ! 
 Is the sentence ; I write it again and again. 
 
 For fifteen long years, love, my plaint has been 
 heard ; 
 In the ardor of vengeance each doctor I curse. 
 
 I " This sonnet was made on account of one of 
 my nieces, who was about my age, and the char- 
 latan was a famous professor of the Faculty." 
 (Boileau : "Lettre a Broissette," 1702.) 
 
 Ah ! the barbarous wretch that tore thee from my 
 arms 
 Is the medical demon inspiring this verse. 
 
 TO MADAM MANCHON, HIS SISTER. 
 
 Bourbon, fuly 31st, 1687. 
 So shall I regard, in the future, the 
 mineral waters and other remedies that I 
 swallowed as a penance imposed rather 
 than agents that could cure my corporeal 
 failures. Certain it is that it is better to 
 resign one's self to the will of God rather 
 than submit to this medical yoke, which is 
 the same here as at Paris, except as to the 
 doctors, who are more attentive to their 
 patients, perhaps, and think less of their 
 maladies during the time of their visits. 
 
 Epigram XX. 
 
 IMITATION OF MARTIAL. 
 
 Paul, the great doctor, the whole city alarmed ; 
 His treatment far worse than the pestilence 
 
 harmed. 
 He's a sexton now, burying men in the ground ; 
 As skilful at this trick as ever he's found. 
 
 TO A M. PERRAULT.(') 
 
 Thine uncle(2) sayest thou hath cured me of my 
 
 ill. 
 The proof he's not my doctor is, that I'm living 
 
 still. 
 
 BOURSAULTO (1638 to 1701). 
 
 LETTERS. 
 
 You have done me the honor to inform 
 me in your last communication that you 
 had written me before relative to the 
 malady of Monsieur Dupre, and I now 
 freely avow to you that I know no more 
 
 Translator of Vitruvius and brother to the 
 
 poet. 
 
 2 Claude Perrault, the architect-physician. 
 
 3 See the '* Medecin Volant" of Boersault,
 
 ii8 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 about his case than I have already written. 
 I have so often hoped for his perfect con- 
 valescence, yet dared not hazard an opin- 
 ion, inasmuch as that depends on one's 
 faith in the doctors. Since the beginning 
 of his illness up to the present moment 
 they have predicted nothing that subse- 
 quent events justified; and all that I can 
 feel assured of is, that no immediate dan- 
 ger exists. In truth, however, I dare not 
 hope that his cure will be rapid in a season 
 when health is more liable to fail than to 
 be restored. It is eight days since your 
 friend was placed on a diet of ass's milk, 
 and if we are to believe Dr. Lancereau his 
 chest is much better ; but, as I am resolved 
 to no longer judge remedies save by their 
 effects, if you are satisfied I will allow a 
 few more days to pass before I put faith in 
 the physician's words. Yesterday a con- 
 sultation was held between his three doc- 
 tors, who have already evidenced their 
 uselessness, and keep continually saying : 
 ''Clisterium donare, postea saignare, en- 
 suita purgare." Take this away from 
 them and one-half their boasted science 
 vanishes. Although our poor friend is 
 emaciated, they have ordered him bled 
 anew; and, in the state he is, it seems to 
 me that Nature should be fortified rather 
 ihan weakened. We will see, in the end, 
 if the Medical Faculty are right; but up to 
 this time they have only inspired my pro- 
 found contempt. 
 
 REMARKS AND BON MOTS. 
 
 An almoner of Cardinal Ranuzzi, 
 whom your Highness has met in France, 
 was attacked by an affection . that, at 
 first sight, did not appear dangerous, but 
 which, thanks to the aid of the physicians, 
 became mortal. When informed that it 
 was useless for him to even dream of 
 living, he made up his mind to die and 
 
 sent for a priest. Father Grenade Theatin, 
 who never left the sick man until the latter 
 expired in his arms, although the poor fel- 
 low awaited his death with the greatest 
 resignation at the will of God. The hour 
 of final agony having arrived, Father 
 Theatin recommended the soul of the 
 dying to its creator in the beautiful prayer, 
 ^^Proficiscere anima Christiana,^^ etc., which 
 signifies, liberally rendered. Leave prompt- 
 ly. Christian soul. When the dying man 
 responded in a mournful voice, ^^ Fian 
 piano, anima 7nia, pian piano I " (A little 
 slow, my soul, go slowly !) 
 
 BRUEYS (1640 to 1723). 
 
 THE GRUMBLER. 
 (Comedy in three acts.) 
 
 Act II. Scene 4. 
 
 Lolive: Make haste! make haste! 
 Monsieur Grichard. William has fallen 
 from his mule. The little accident oc- 
 curred only a few steps away from here. 
 He was riding past the door of one of our 
 neighbors when a little Spanish dog yelped 
 at him; the mule became frightened and 
 shied, made a turn to one side, and William 
 went head over heels the opposite way. 
 
 Hortense : Is he injured ? 
 
 Lolive: No; but he is furious at the 
 dog! 
 
 Catati : He'll soon convalesce from 
 that! 
 
 Lolive: That's what he wants to do. 
 That's what William says. 
 
 Catau : Perhaps he has sent for some 
 other physician. 
 
 Lolive: No, but he is impatient; and, 
 seeing that you have delayed about going, he 
 has departed. 
 
 Catau : He is dead then ? 
 
 i
 
 The Evil tJmt has been said of Doctors. 
 
 119 
 
 Lolrve: You have told the truth. 
 Caiau : Ah! that happens every day. 
 
 Act II. — Scene 10. 
 
 Dr. Grichard (in a fury) : I will stand 
 this no longer. Go, you rascal. Go to 
 your captain, your Viceroy, to all your 
 fellows — you cannot allay the wrath of a 
 doctor ! 
 
 Lolive: Sir, you are a man of honor, 
 and, when you have engaged to go, you 
 will go. 
 
 Dr, Grichard: Yes, traitor, I shall go 
 immediately, and assemble the entire Med- 
 ical Faculty. 
 
 Lolive : And I shall call out my regi- 
 ment, then ; we shall see who will win. 
 
 Dr. Grichard: This will interest my 
 medical confreres. 
 
 Lolive : Yes, Monsier, do so, if you will 
 only bring a few of them with you ; there 
 will still remain too many for the good of 
 Paris. 
 
 Scene i6 aTid Last, 
 
 Dr. Grichard: The Devil ! Lt will cost 
 more than four lives. (') 
 
 Caiau : Of your patients, perhaps. 
 
 * * * 
 
 LE NOBLE EUSTACHE (1643 to 
 1711). 
 
 vESOPUS — COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, 
 1691. 
 
 Rodopus : Ah ! who would know you in 
 this garb? Your figure is laughable and 
 most grotesque. 
 
 Columbine {as a hump-backed doctor, or 
 Clistorel) : You will find it very amusmg in 
 the success that awaits me. But wait until 
 you see me discourse on my doctrines. 
 
 I See the apothegms of Francis Bacon, in 
 previous note. 
 
 Rodopus: Ah! Columbine — or Clisto- 
 rel, as I should call you — parlez vous Mede- 
 cine? Do you know how to speak in 
 medical jargon? 
 
 Columbine : My Greek jargon is of the 
 first order. I can furnish the finest sam- 
 ples to order. You shall see with what a 
 finished air I shall give the language of 
 these assassins. It is not science in medi- 
 cine that makes a renowned physician. 
 No! he only needs arrogance, self-asser- 
 tion, and a patronizing manner— one who 
 can shoot off ten overpowering words 
 slowly, or, at times, precipitate the same 
 with all due impertinence. Thus, he 
 passes for a man of great importance, and 
 in two or three years' time, by trotting 
 around on mule-back, we shall see him 
 attain the dignity of a four-horse chariot. 
 But here comes ^sop towards us. 
 
 Columbine (disguised as Clistorel, a doctor 
 to ^sop) : Ah ! My dear sir, the atmo- 
 sphere of your rare bounty fills my dia- 
 phragm's most profound capacity. Re- 
 ceive, Your Highness, the first drachm of 
 respect to which your position entitles you, 
 and merit a full-measured decoction of my 
 civility. 
 
 JEsop: A beautiful beginning! How 
 ably you play your part ! You speak in 
 medical phrase most truly, and could serve 
 a neat compliment even in an injection. 
 
 Rodopus {to Clistorel, or Columbine) : 
 Courage ! he is with us. You have made 
 a most successful debut. 
 
 ^sop: But, before I can explain all, 
 tell me as to your medical standing. 
 Where, in the name of ^^sculapius, did 
 you 'buy your doctor's bonnet and cloak ? 
 Tell me, are you a common empiric or a 
 real doctor of our Faculty ? 
 
 Columbine {or Clistorel) : To be both 
 
 would not embarrass me. I know as much 
 
 I of one as of the other. I can pierce the
 
 I20 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 secrets of Nature by the strength of my 
 acids. I know how to aid digestion. I 
 can make alkalies. I can impregnate 
 solids and render them coaguable. Do 
 you desire treatment by pure chemical 
 methods? I know all about metals, pearls 
 and minerals, stones and vegetables, ser- 
 pents and animals, salts, sulphurs and 
 waters. I cure all maladies, as follows : 
 
 By frequent bleedings, 
 By serious lithotomies. 
 I am Greek in anatomy, 
 I am Latin in physiology. 
 1 have purgative remedies, 
 I have lenitives and emetics, 
 Nutritives and soporifics, 
 Fermentatives and fomentatives, 
 Suppuratives and detersive, 
 Aperitives and restrictives, 
 Specifics and caustics. 
 Diuretics and hepatics, 
 Cephalics and podagratives. 
 Febrifuges and cordials. 
 
 I can apply all my talents to each and 
 every one alike. I make a choice from 
 among these for my patients, and I am 
 truly a gfeat genms in the medical line. If 
 you have need of my valuable services, 
 call on me ; I will treat you properly. 
 
 Rodopus {to y^sop) : Hear him, Signor 
 ^sop ! Listen how rapidly he has learned 
 and developed true medical doctrines. 
 
 ^sop : No ; I do not care to expose 
 myself to his perfidy. What good can my 
 death do him ? 
 
 * ^ » 
 
 ANTOINE BAUDERON DE 
 SENECE (1643 to 1737). 
 
 THE OLD DOCTOR. 
 
 The physician Nicodemus, oftentimes 
 an assassin, has seen a hundred carnivals 
 since the day of his baptism. Be not 
 astonished at this, since his balm of Hip- 
 
 pocrates, his salve of Mithridates, his 
 Alkermes and Opiates, never saved his 
 ignorant patients. But death, in recogni- 
 tion of his valuable services, has paid him 
 by giving in return a long life. 
 
 THE SLAYER OF MEN. 
 
 At the house of a good citizen of 
 Beauvais a Dragoon behaved very badly, 
 beating and otherwise maltreating the host, 
 who cried, ''Murder ! Help ! " The neigh- 
 bors all ran to the scene, attracted by the 
 noise, and endeavored to calm the excite- 
 ment. The bravest appearing one of the 
 number was a delicate looking man, 
 who said to the Dragoon : * * Know, com- 
 rade, that I am the man who can settle 
 you! This is no place to quarrel, but 
 upon my honor I swear that I've killed 
 more people than you." At these words 
 the soldier was mad with wrath. ** Ah ! " 
 cried he, ** miserable abortion! Give me 
 my pistols ! Give me a musket ! We shall 
 soon see which is the best man of the two. 
 I will make you hold your tongue forever." 
 A stalwart fellow threw himself between 
 the Dragoon and his delicate looking op- 
 ponent and said to the former: "Great 
 God! man, do you know that you are 
 about to fight with a physician?" This 
 sally created such laughter that good 
 humor was restored, the landlord of the 
 inn brought out tankards of wine, and the 
 Dragoon himself was calmed. 
 
 DELORME (^Born about 1642 A.D.). 
 
 THE INFALLIBLE DOCTOR. 
 
 The physician Scribart, owing to rheu- 
 matism, died last night, aged thirty years. 
 He was the author of an excellent vol- 
 ume, entitled " The Art of Living to an Old 
 A^e." 
 
 n
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 121 
 
 LA BRUYERE (1645 to 1696). 
 
 IRENE AND yESCULAPIUS. 
 
 Irene was brought at great expense to 
 Epidaurus, to visit ^sculapius in his 
 temple and consult regarding her illness. 
 First she complained of being wearied and 
 suffering from lassitude ; and the God told 
 her this came from the long journey she 
 had taken. She said she had no appetite 
 at evening ; and the Oracle ordered her to 
 take but a little dinner. Irene claimed to 
 suffer from insomnia; and vEsculapius 
 ordered her never to rest on her bed ex- 
 cept at night. She said she was growing 
 stout and that her limbs dragged ; she was 
 requested to take a long walk before noon. 
 She declared that wine drinking injured 
 her ; whereat the God advised her to con- 
 fine her libations to water. She said she 
 had indigestion, and was ordered to regu- 
 late her diet. *'My sight is enfeebled," 
 observed Irene. "Stop wearing glasses," 
 said the God. * ' I am growing weaker ! " 
 exclaimed she. "True," said the Oracle; 
 "it is because you are growing old." 
 " But how can I cure my languor?" de- 
 manded Irene, with evident signs of im- 
 patience. "The quickest way," answered 
 ^sculapius, "is to die, like your mother 
 and your grandmother." Then cried 
 Irene: "Great son of Apollo, is this the 
 only advice you can give me ? Is this all 
 your boasted science of medicine ? Is it 
 for this that the earth reveres your learn- 
 ing ? Is it this that has brought me to you 
 for council on things mysterious? Do I 
 not know myself all the remedies you have 
 prescribed in my case?" Then ^scu- 
 lapius replied with dignity : "It was use- 
 less for you to come such a distance, unless 
 you intended to shorten your days by a 
 long voyage ! " 
 
 REGARDING CERTAIN CUSTOMS. 
 
 The world has always improved the 
 condition of physicians, and we serve them 
 in order that they may live ; the theatre 
 and satire do not cut off their fees and pen- 
 sions ; they give their daughters handsome 
 doweries, place their sons in Parliament or 
 in the Priesthood, and the people that rail 
 at their trade furnish the money. Those 
 who are well must sometimes become pa- 
 tients, and will be the first to call in a doc- 
 tor to discover whether Death is near. So 
 long as men must die but still desire to 
 Hve, so long will the doctor be bitterly 
 ridiculed but nevertheless well paid for his 
 services. 
 
 The rashness of doctors and the sad 
 lack of success which follows necessarily, 
 makes us value physicians as well as their 
 remedies. If the former permit us to die 
 the latter are certain to kill us. 
 
 Carro Carri debarked with a receipt 
 that he called a prompt remedy, and 
 which was sometimes a slow poison. With 
 a specific that was good for colic he cured 
 quartan fever, pleurisy, dropsy, apoplexy, 
 and epilepsy. Force your memory to name 
 some malady, say the first that comes in 
 your mind; hemorrhage, say you? He 
 claims to cure. He resuscitates no one, it 
 is true ; he gives not life to man, but leads 
 them of necessity to decrepitude. It was 
 by chance that his father and grandfather, 
 who held this specific remedy as a family 
 secret, both died very young. 
 
 Doctors receive for their visits that 
 which is given them; some few thank you 
 for the gift. Carro Carri is so certain of 
 his specific and the effects that follow that 
 he makes his patients pay always in ad- 
 vance; he receives, in other words, before 
 he gives. If the disease is incurable so
 
 122 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 much the better ; it is more worthy of an 
 application and of his remedy. Commence 
 by giving him a few bags of a thousand 
 franc pieces, give him a written contract, 
 one of your estates, and remain satisfied — 
 that you will be cured. The emulation of 
 this man is to people the world with the 
 names O and I, venerable letters that he 
 imposes on all diseases and patients. 
 
 Our great physician Fagon, and others 
 more modest in the Faculty, admit that 
 they cannot always cure; those who in- 
 herit secret family remedies and inherit 
 their medical talent from their ancestors, 
 whose experience by succession is lacking, 
 promise always, with sworn statements and 
 affidavits, that they can cure, that all man- 
 kind can hope for hope even in mortal 
 diseases, and thus escape the final agonies ! 
 Death surprises some agreeably, without 
 permitting itself to be feared. 
 
 BERNIER JEANC) (1647 to 1698). 
 
 MEDICAL DOGMAS. 
 
 A poet of the time of Nerveze (1570 to 
 1625) thus paints the physician of that 
 period : 
 
 Leurs dogmes dont par eux nos corps sont dis- 
 
 sipez, 
 Sont des recipez faux et de vrais decipez, 
 Butinans sur chacun c'est tout leur envie, 
 De vous faire mourir pour se donnes la vie. 
 Voila comme par eux les hommessont tous Saints, 
 Venus au lendemain du jour de la Toussaint. 
 
 A great Prince of our times said that 
 medicine had four divisions, of which the 
 first three consisted in charlatanry and the 
 fourth in braggadocio. 
 
 I This physician published in 1689 his *' Es- 
 says an Medicine," from which these extracts are 
 derived. 
 
 A Spanish doctor, having no hope for 
 his patient, whom he deemed mortally ill, 
 came to make the unfortunate a final visit, 
 and hitched, as usual, his mule outside the 
 door, when he was called to make haste, 
 as a patient was dying in another part of 
 the residence. He ran into the house, and 
 the mule, that had not been well tied, also 
 trotted into the first patient's chamber, mak- 
 ing a terrible noise as it approached the bed, 
 and braying loudly at seeing a form move 
 on the mattress. At this ridiculous mulish 
 noise the sick man opened his eyes (he had 
 been semi-comatose before), and endeav- 
 ored in his fright to escape from what he 
 considered a Demon. This sudden move- 
 ment assisted the effort of Nature and 
 broke an internal abscess that had escaped 
 the physician's notice, the contents of 
 which entered the bowels and poured off 
 through the natural channels. 
 
 Meantime, the doctor and nurse had 
 come down stairs, and were surprized at 
 seeing the mule still standing over the sick 
 man's bed. The mule was driven out and 
 the physician, feeling the patient's pulse, 
 discovered him to be better. He was 
 astounded, as he had, as before remarked, 
 regarded the termination as fatal. Now, 
 the convalescent, hearing his doctor boast- 
 ing of his sudden improvement, remarked : 
 ** Sir, it was not the last remedy that you 
 ordered me, but it was the kindly act of 
 your mule ; and as you are only a small 
 ass in comparison with your magnificent 
 and stalwart animal, I pledge you my 
 word as an honest Spanish gentleman, 
 that should I again become ill I shall 
 call in that skillful mule in preference 
 to yourself. 
 
 Souverains juges du bien dire, 
 Que le blondin Phebus inspire, 
 Sur le choix des mots les plus fins 
 Lequel des deux faut 11 qu*on die» 
 
 I
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 23 
 
 Jules mourut de telle maladie, 
 Ou mourut de tels Medecins. 
 
 A woman once advised her daughter 
 not to marry a physician, using the follow- 
 ing language : " How weary you will 
 become of the chagrins you must partici- 
 pate in on account of your husband ; think 
 of the smarting displeasures and storms of 
 ridicule that will be heaped upon his head ; 
 think of the confusion and excitement in 
 which his hfe is ever spent. He will make 
 mistakes in predictions ; he will be con- 
 sulted in regard to Nature, and be only 
 able to respond by conjectures. In striv- 
 ing to save, he will often condemn his 
 patients to death. His perfume will be 
 very strong, and he will converse with you 
 in bad Latin. 
 
 DUFRESNY CHARLES RI- 
 VIERE (1648 to 1724). 
 
 Amusements^ Serious and Comical. 
 
 WAGGISH THOUGHT ON CHARLATANS. 
 
 The absence of physicians is a sover- 
 eign remedy for those who do not call in a 
 charlatan. This is not saying there may 
 not be good charlatans. That stranger in 
 the story, for example, was very sincere ; 
 he sold fountain water at thirty sous a 
 bottle ; he claimed there were occult 
 virtues contained in the fluid, which cured 
 the worst maladies; he swore, and swore 
 truly, that this very water had cured his 
 greatest infirmity, which was ^poverty. 
 
 THE FACULTY. 
 
 Situation of the country of the Faculty. 
 The country of doctors is situated on the 
 road from this world to the other. It is a 
 peculiar climate, where they breathe a re- 
 freshing air which is very prejudicial to 
 
 natural heat. Those who travel in this 
 country spend all they have while starving 
 to death. 
 
 Language of the country. — The doctor's 
 language is very learned, and yet those 
 who speak it are very ignorant men. Ordi- 
 narily, people learn a language in order to 
 express what they know clearly ; but, in 
 the doctor's country, they learn a jargon 
 which only serves to mystify that which 
 they themselves do not know. 
 
 A FEVER patient's VISION. 
 
 When I talk to a patient of good sense, 
 I have to combat at once the arguments of 
 the physician, the disease, the remedy and 
 the sufferer's inanition. One of my friends, 
 who had brain trouble once, had a vision 
 in his fever that saved his life. He thought 
 he saw his fever, under the form of a pur- 
 suing monster, chasing him step by step, 
 and that a charitable person seized him by 
 the waist to pull him out of a river which 
 was a running torrent of blood ; but the 
 patient dreamt he had not the strength to 
 help himself and was drowned. The char- 
 itable friend, who was in the guise of a 
 doctor, robbed the dead man's pockets and 
 ran to assist another patient who had fallen 
 into a river of warm chicken broth. My 
 friend took a hint from this dream, for he 
 discharged his doctor and recovered. 
 
 IS IT BETTER TO ABANDON ONE'S SELF TO 
 NATURE THAN TO THE DOCTORS ? 
 
 In Paris the fashion in doctors is like 
 that in almanacs, the newest are the most 
 consulted ; but their reign, like that of the 
 almanac, only lasts for the current year. 
 
 When a person leaves all his ills to 
 Nature he risks much ; when he confides 
 entirely to the doctors he also takes many 
 chances. But, chance for chance, I love 
 Nature best, inasmuch as I know it acts in
 
 124 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 as good faith as it can, and does not make 
 its profit by prolonging one's illness. 
 
 THE DEPARTURE OF THE COMEDIANS. — 
 COMEDY IN ONE ACT, 1 694. 
 
 Scene 2. 
 
 Colombine: Thou shouldst seek some 
 remedy for our ills. 
 
 Harlequin : Alas ! we are the patients, 
 and there are the doctors {pointing to dress- 
 circle). It is only a number of physicians 
 that could cure our several maladies. 
 
 Colombine : We will bear our illness 
 patiently, if we can have a consultation of 
 four or five physicians every day. 
 
 Harlequin : Not of these doctors {point- 
 ing to parquet ) ! These doctors are not so 
 learned as the Professors of the Faculty of 
 Medicine. 
 
 Colombine: I know the reason well! 
 These dramatic doctors {pointing to the 
 entire audience) pay us — at the door ; but 
 the doctors of medicine charge us before 
 they enter our sick chamber. 
 
 THE MORAL PHYSICIANS. — COMEDY IN 
 THREE ACTS, 1 697. 
 
 Act I. — Scene 7. 
 
 Chorus : It is said that the doctor, from 
 malice, is an assassin, but this is a mistake. 
 They say that his ignorance causes more 
 mortality than war or pestilence. This is 
 the pure truth. 
 
 Act II. Scene 5. 
 
 Pasquin {shoiving a miniatme) : Here is 
 Monsieur, the murderer, the doctor ! 
 
 This doctor, who knows well how to bring Death, 
 Talks of bringing children in the same breath ; 
 Talks of begetting to each husband and wife, 
 Knowing, lor death, that one must have life. 
 
 Act III. Scene 3. 
 Pasquin : Doctors are like almanacs — 
 
 the most recently arrived the most con- 
 sulted. Novelty is the folly of the French, 
 who prefer green peas to dried peas, the 
 latest journal to the older gazette ; who 
 love the girl of sweet sixteen more than her 
 experienced mother. 
 
 Scene 8. 
 
 The doctor, full of science, 
 
 Who trusts we're always well, 
 And quotes us old Hippocrates, 
 
 Who on Galen long doth dwell. 
 Reminds us of that husband, 
 
 That stupid, without sense, 
 Who sought to satisfy his wife 
 
 With naught but eloquence. 
 
 Ah ! husbands and doctors, 
 It is I that you assure 
 
 Your eloquence amounts to naught, 
 To Nature leave the cure. 
 
 If the patient be a coquette. 
 
 And, at bottom, full of fun, 
 No medicine will ease her 
 
 If her head to Folly run. 
 You may quote Greek and Latin 
 
 E'en by the inch or yard ; 
 But pills and clysters never heal 
 
 A heart that groweth hard. 
 
 Ah ! husbands and doctors. 
 Your arts are imposture. 
 
 Your eloquence amounts to naught. 
 To Nature leave the cure. 
 
 SIMILARITY BETWEEN DOCTORS AND 
 HOUSE STEWARDS. 
 
 There is a similarity between physicians 
 and stewards : A steward will ruin the best 
 established house, and the doctor ruins the 
 best constituted body. The ruined houses 
 enrich the steward, the ruined body en- 
 riches the doctor. All physicians should 
 be obliged to marry ; is it not justice that 
 they should give to the State a few men in 
 place of the many they daily remove ? I 
 can pardon those who at the end of their 
 lives give themselves over to the physi- 
 cian's care, even as I can pardon the gam-
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 125 
 
 bier for stopping play when old age pre- 
 vents his handling his cards skilfully. 
 
 * u. * 
 
 PIERRE 
 
 1728). 
 
 DE VILLIERS (1648 to 
 
 THE DIFFERENCE. 
 
 When a doctor visits his patients on foot, 
 He suffers from dozens of insults and ills : 
 
 He hears of rich patients he thinks he could cure, 
 Who are slain by the chariot doctor who kills. 
 
 But when he grows rich and rideth along, 
 With two horses pulling his elegant chaise, 
 
 'Tis then that he changes the tune of his song, 
 And thinks one's surroundings alter the case. 
 
 So he prudently counsels each patient that ccmes, 
 Finding science is best in an elegant drag. 
 
 Contented to kill in a carriage he roams, 
 
 And, smilingly, whippeth each mettlesome nag. 
 
 ANONYMOUS (1649). 
 
 UNIVERSAL RAILLERY. 
 (Extract.) 
 Si les Cesars en une ligne, 
 
 Signoient la fin de nostre sort. 
 Que fait un Medec n qui signe 
 
 Un ordinance de la mort ? 
 
 Si I'objet de I'Anatomiste 
 
 Est de mesme que d'un boucher, 
 
 C'est que tout leur employ consiste 
 A ne rien faire que hacher. 
 
 Si Dieu guerit la maladie 
 Comme le souverain agent, 
 
 Ou voit une main hardie 
 
 Au Medecin qui prend I'argent. 
 
 ^ * * 
 
 PALAPRAT JEAN (1650 to 1721). 
 
 HARLEQUIN PH/ETON.— COMEDY IN 
 THREE ACTS. 
 
 Act III. Scene 3. 
 
 yEsculapius : Believe me, you are well ! 
 Do you think you have only been asleep, 
 
 my brother ? Know that you were dead, 
 and I resuscitated you with my medicines. 
 Phaton: For one you resuscitate scores 
 of others must die. 
 
 Scene 9, 
 
 Doris : We have been ejreatly embar- 
 rassed as to a choice of trades. Had 
 ^sculapius taught Phaeton medicine he 
 might have gained his living; besides that, 
 Phseton would have been learned, too. 
 
 Momus : Many an ignorant fellow is 
 enriched by this medical trade. 
 
 yEsculcLpius : The trade was a meritori- 
 ous one in former ages, but to-day it is 
 much decried. Even children knew then 
 that oxicrat was only a mixture of vinegar 
 and water ; now all the world deals in a 
 multitude of special drugs. 
 
 Momus: Added to this, your modern 
 doctor delights in fraud. Some persons 
 will kill off an army without the assistance 
 of the physician ; another will kill himself 
 with excesses in four and twenty hours; 
 but in extraordinary ills, taking charlatan 
 for charlatan, give me the pure empiric. 
 
 Fhceton : In ordinary maladies, — the 
 common, every-day afflictions of life, — we 
 knew as much as you formerly, and all the 
 world applied most simple remedies ; so 
 that the first furniture of a well-equipped 
 mansion was an easy-working syringe. 
 
 Momus : But now there exists a true 
 alliance with the Medical Faculty. When 
 fever comes they seize upon the patient 
 while a drop of humor or red blood flows 
 within his veins ; they take great pains 
 prescribing their vaunted quinia, which is 
 duly adulterated beforehand by the apothe- 
 caries; the mortal effect of this cursed 
 febrifuge is noted, inasmuch as pharmacy 
 has sophisticated on the virtue of the 
 drug. 
 
 Phmton : You are right. But I do not
 
 126 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 enrich myself in that manner, as I only 
 treat secret diseases. I advertise on my 
 cards that I only see men, but Madam 
 Phaeton, my wife, will examine all the 
 ladies. 
 
 Momus : For shame ! Yours is a vile 
 bawdy trade, although it is true it offsets 
 the tricks of the rascally apothecary. 
 
 A GIRL OF GOOD SENSE. — COMEDY IN 
 THREE ACTS. 
 
 Act I. Scene 2. 
 
 Pierrot: Now, Master, you always 
 promised me your doctor's robe when you 
 married, and you will enter wedlock to- 
 morrow with the pretty Angelica. Then I 
 shall throw aside my working-jacket and 
 be a doctor like you are. 
 
 The Doctor: Barone, ti credi dresser 
 Dottore per averne il vestito? (Fool! Do 
 you think to be a doctor by wearing one^s 
 clothes?) 
 
 Pierrot: Why not ? There are a thou- 
 sand doctors to-day who enter the profes- 
 sion with no more ceremony or prepara- 
 tion ; I know fifty here in Paris to-day— 
 they are only physicians in equipage and 
 clothing. I see asses who are doctors all 
 the time, in utroque et in medecina si voluis- 
 sent (one and the other in medicine as they 
 will). 
 
 * * * 
 
 BARATON (1650 to 1720). 
 
 verselets. 
 
 Ou portoit a' I'Eglise un mort de qualite, 
 
 Qui dans sa maladie avoit ete traite 
 
 Comme le sont les Grands, avec mainte beveue, 
 
 Deux Medecins amis, et de la Faculte, 
 
 S'etant recontrez dans la rue, 
 
 L'un d'eux goguenard et boufon, 
 
 Dit en riant a son confrere ; 
 
 Get homme que Ton port en terre 
 
 N'est — il pas mort de ta facon ? 
 
 THE DOUBLE DROPSY. 
 
 An old fellow with dropsical effusion 
 
 Fell ill and was ready to die. 
 All his doctors came to the conclusion 
 
 He was soon to yield up his last sigh. 
 
 'Twas then that he made the decision, 
 
 To go down to Lyons to dwell. 
 As he'd heard that there dwelt a physician 
 
 Who would kill when he could not make well. 
 
 So he hitched up his family carriage 
 And sought for this doctor post-haste, 
 
 With his pretty young wife, whom marriage 
 Had never made full in the waist. 
 
 Now the doctor was handsome and jolly ; 
 
 The old man's wife cooed like a dove ; 
 Before she was sad — melancholy, 
 
 But now she o'erflowed with her love. 
 
 For in nine months her husband was cured, 
 And his dropsy was perfectly well ; 
 
 While the young wife her nausea endured 
 For with something her belly did swell. 
 
 Ah ! can one a skillful young doctor blame, 
 When he transmits a swelling from husband to 
 dame ? 
 
 * * * 
 
 CINTHIO (Old Italian dramatist). 
 
 THE REMEDY FOR ALL ILLS. — COMEDY IN 
 THREE ACTS. 
 
 (Harlequin, disguised as a doctor, 
 mounted on an ass, and is accompanied by 
 Trivelin ; they lead another animal carry- 
 ing a standard.) 
 
 Harlequin : I am a doctor, a sur- 
 geon, apothecary and barber ; I am 
 perfectly acquainted with all infirmities 
 and every malady. I have cured with 
 my perlin- pin -pin -powder a case of sea 
 sickness(') in eight days in a young 
 
 I A play on French words is noted here in the 
 original. Mai de f?ier means sea-sickness, while 
 ine7'e means mother; an illness caused by a mother 
 is here rendered as ma I de mere. The pun is ob- 
 vious to all readers of French.
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 127 
 
 man aged fifteen years. \Here Trivelin 
 innterrupts Harlequin^ and the doctor admits 
 that only girls and old women have this affec- 
 tion.] **You are deceived," responds 
 Harlequin, '* for the mother of this young 
 man has hit him a violent blow on the 
 head with a stick. I believe I can call 
 that mal de mere (sea-sickness). In the 
 same skillful manner I cured a fellow who 
 had headache in his stomach.'" " How can 
 that be?" says the doctor. '* Why, he 
 was hooked in the belly with a bull's 
 horn," replied the mock physician. *' I 
 have cured toothache in the hand,'' says 
 Harlequin {all the audience laugh). "Yes, 
 gentlemen, I will convince you of this, for 
 a dog bit one of my patients in the left 
 hand. Gentlemen, beHeve me, this won- 
 derful powder of mine comforts the stom- 
 ach, establishes natural heat, aids the 
 spleen and liver, and makes the lungs 
 breathe. This powder is a remedy for all 
 nations, especially as it is French. Ah ! 
 gentlemen, I am a bard student, I observe 
 the revolution of the planets, because, as 
 Plato has observed, ' a doctor without 
 astrology is an eye without a pupil.' You 
 will observe that I cure all diseases except 
 those under the sign of Taurus or Capri- 
 cornus, which are incurable, because they 
 attack the head." Here Harlequin ceases 
 to speak and they bring in some pretended 
 paralytics ; he gives them his powder, 
 which is a variety of snufF, whereat ihey 
 all sneeze violently and dance around the 
 stage. 
 
 In the second act, several patients pre- 
 sent themselves to the pretended doctor. 
 ** My daughter has lost her health ! " cries 
 one of those present. "Well, I've not 
 found it yet ! " retorts the ever-ready Har- 
 lequin. He orders a person to heal an 
 incurable affection of the feet by cutting 
 off his head, on the theory of contrariis 
 
 contraria curantur. He calls Scaramouche, 
 and says to him, " I desire to show you 
 the virtue of my powder." He places 
 Scaramouche, who pretends to be help- 
 lessly crippled, on a bed of straw, and, 
 after sprinkling him with his powder, sets 
 the bed on fire, whereat that malingering 
 party, scorched by the fire, takes to flight, 
 pursued by the laughter of the appreciative 
 audience. 
 
 * * * 
 
 MARCOUREAU DE BRECOURT 
 (Died in 1685). 
 
 THE GHOST OF MOLIERE. — COMEDY IN 
 ONE ACT. 
 
 Scene 1. 
 
 Second Ghost : During the four years I 
 have served this famous empiric, he has 
 never given me the least information as to 
 the poisons he composed. How many 
 lives has he sold by this means to the 
 highest bidder ? 
 
 J^irst Ghost : The secret of killing men 
 is certainly connected with medicine, or 
 we should not be seduced into this dis- 
 course. Yet it is a difficult matter to 
 speak of doctors and not avoid the subject 
 of death. It is a well-known fact that 
 these gentlemen are a little vindictive, and 
 that for some time past they have been 
 preaching the vengeance of those who did 
 not wish to die at their hands ; and it 
 happens that our grand master, Pluto, 
 gives these people position here and vents 
 his wrath on us for not speaking of the 
 Faculty with due respect. Perhaps it were 
 better to hold our tongues. 
 
 Second Ghost: The festival is arranged 
 for these people and is to be prepared 
 here. 
 
 First Ghost: I know not whether it be 
 for doctors or others ; but I do know that
 
 128 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctofs. 
 
 Pluto will soon be here to manage the 
 affair. 
 
 Scene 3. 
 
 Minos : In other times it was the ambi- 
 tion of a certain man to write what he 
 desired to say, but this was a difficult task 
 when nothmg appeared to be perfect. 
 There is not up to medicine even anything 
 that has not been censured at his hands, 
 and this is what he most often touched 
 upon ; and so well did he succeed on this 
 subject that he still is feared, for they 
 dread that they may be banished from 
 earth for another six hundred years. 
 
 Pluto {seated on his throne) : That would 
 do me a great injury. 
 
 Scene 13. 
 
 Moliere : Ah ! here are my friends, the 
 doctors. Let us listen, and we will answer 
 afterwards. 
 
 Pluto: Gentlemen, doctors, you are 
 welcome. You visit a prince who honors 
 you so much. I know full well all the ob- 
 ligations I owe your profession, and m this 
 vast Empire of the Dead you can well 
 boast of playing a good part in my inter- 
 ests. So, in return, I can refuse you no 
 favor you demand of me. Ask and ye 
 shall receive ! 
 
 First Physician : Grand Master of the 
 Dead, you see before you the very flower 
 of medical chivalry — your ever faithful 
 servitors. 
 
 Second Physician: We have never let 
 the occasion slip to give you full evi- 
 dence of the marks of our esteem and 
 fidelity. 
 
 Pluto : I know that full well, for your 
 opium, emetics, and bleedings render 
 ample testimony that you truly and loyally 
 served me. 
 
 Third Physician: We deemed it our 
 simple duty. 
 
 Pluto: The many that come to me 
 fully attest that fact. 
 
 Fourth Physician : It is only a pleasure 
 to serve so great a Monarch. 
 
 Pluto : I am ever under obligations to 
 you all, and it gives me joy to greet you. 
 I know too that your aid is still necessary 
 in the world above, and that I am some- 
 what vexed that age has called you here I 
 will admit. Nevertheless, I am consoled 
 by the thought that you have left children 
 on the earth who know how to practice 
 your trade, and have already sent me an 
 installment of their clients with whom they 
 experimented. But what do you desire of 
 me? 
 
 Third Physician : We come to demand 
 justice of a mortal who pretended that the 
 art of medicine was an imposture and 
 gross charlatanism. 
 
 Pluto : Is it someone I know ? 
 
 Fourth Physician : He was one who 
 raged without a foundation of truth for his 
 assertions; a fellow who satirized all our 
 profession. A man whose animosity was 
 envenomed solely by envy, and who 
 organized a conspiracy against medical 
 practitioners. 
 
 Moliere [aside] : I will confound these 
 superb pretenders ! 
 
 Third Physician : He is already pre- 
 dicting bad things of us here. Even the 
 Dead seem now leagued against us; he 
 still emits his calumny against us, and 
 is full as ever of biting sarcasms against our 
 doctors. So, Grand Monarch, we come to 
 you humbly as a committee from our illus- 
 trious Medical Faculty, to show that the 
 increase of your Empire depends on re- 
 pressing the audacity and insolence of 
 even the Dead, whom he inspires. 
 
 Pluto : I shall teach these deaJ how to 
 live. I fully understand, and shall tell 
 them you are the firmest supporters of my 
 
 J
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 129 
 
 State. But who are these dead who impu- 
 dently dare to discredit your trade ? 
 Name, only name them to me, and I shall 
 make a horrid example of them ! 
 
 Fourth Physician : There are a number 
 of lesser spirits who swell the general tor- 
 rent of abuse, and who echo the com- 
 plaints of another who has lied. It is the 
 author of our injuries whom we desire to 
 punish. It is this latter-day Cato, who in- 
 veighs against us, and who, in his scorn of 
 our noble profession, has pushed his audac- 
 ity to the point of sublime ridicule, render- 
 ing us a veritable laughing stock to the 
 public. It is the ghost of this man, this 
 impertinent slanderer of the Medical 
 Faculty, on whom we invoke your direst 
 vengeance. 
 
 F/uto [to Moliere\ : Answer to this 
 charge ! 
 
 Moliere \io the Doctors] : So you wish 
 me, gentlemen? You demand vengeance 
 for the contempt I bear your illustrious 
 Faculty ? I admit that I have made you 
 all the laughing stock of the public. As it 
 is necessary to answer you, I shall make 
 your characteristics more accursed than 
 ever. Pluto, Monarch of Hell, I swear 
 here, by the respect I owe you. Great 
 Master, that it is not against medicine that 
 I have so bitterly inveighed. I have 
 adored the study of the Healing Art, I re- 
 vere its judicious practice ; but I abhor and 
 detest the pernicious and wicked use that 
 is made of it by senseless fools whom only 
 a diploma makes doctors; it is only 
 against those who abuse the name of phy- 
 sician that I deign to respond. 
 
 Fluto : You argue sensibly enough. 
 
 Moliere [to the Doctors] : Im posters ! 
 You perpetually prove your ignorance and 
 the unccitainty of your practice by con- 
 tinual disagreements. Never in your sim- 
 plest prescriptions has the world ever seen 
 
 you follow each others prescriptions with- 
 out adding or subtracting something. As 
 to your opinions, they are more varied 
 than your practice. Some say the cause 
 of disease lies in the humors ; others in the 
 blood. Some with pompous assaninity im- 
 pute all maladies to invisible atoms that 
 enter the pores of the body. Some con- 
 tend that all affections arise from a de- 
 ficiency of force ; some that they proceed 
 from an inequality in the elements of the 
 organization and the character of the air 
 we respire, or the abundance, poverty, or 
 corruption of our food. This diversity of 
 opinion fully evidences the ignorance of 
 doctors ; but the weakness and rashness of 
 the sick who abandon themselves to con- 
 trary gales is more stupid. 
 
 Pluto [to Doctors] : Gentlemen, do you 
 hear this ? 
 
 Moliere : The only thing seeming half 
 unanimous in their schools is their idea on 
 the composition of a medicine. They say 
 one thing purges the brain, another warms 
 the stomach, another refreshes the liver, — 
 as if in such mixtures each remedy carried 
 its own point of etiquette, and that all were 
 not absorbed' by* the system at the same 
 time. It is well that these gentlemen are 
 satisfied with the efficacy of their drugs, 
 for if one of the remedies happens to be in 
 the road of another, a part of the anatomy 
 to be warmed might be cooled — and what 
 becomes of the patient ? 
 
 Pluto [to Doctors]'. Gentlemen, listen to 
 this argument ! 
 
 Moliere : But these fraudulent imposters 
 abuse the occasion ; they tyranically usurp 
 all family authority when dealing with the 
 sick overcome with disease and dreading 
 Death. They take ev5ry advantage of 
 mankind's weakness and superstition, and 
 in this dangerous moment they brazenly 
 experiment with our lives with any remedy
 
 I30 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 that may suggest itself to their ambitious 
 imagination. These scoundrels try any- 
 thing, and, in this confidence, the sun 
 shines on their successes and the earth 
 hides all failures. 
 
 Pluto [to the Doctors] : Gentlemen, listen 
 to his remarks ! 
 
 Moliere : I remember at this poir with 
 some grief, the weakness of one c . my 
 friends, who stupidly confided in their 
 seductive promises and poorer treatment. 
 Two hours after he was attacked, the phy- 
 sician whom he had called came to ask 
 what effects his remedies had secured. 
 ' ' I sweat ! " exclaimed the sufferer. Three 
 hours after he came to demand how his 
 
 patient felt. " I have a chill and quake," 
 said the invalid. ''That is well!" ex- 
 claimed the doctor. In the evening, when 
 the physician returned for the fourth time 
 and made inquiry, he was informed that 
 his patient was swollen up with dropsy; 
 he answered, "It is well!" The next day, 
 calling on the patient, he asked *'How 
 fares he to-day ? " and the reply was, ' ' My 
 dear friend, he is dead." " Ah ! " cried I, 
 overcome with grief, '* how happy are ani- 
 mals, where simple Nature can cure with- 
 out the aid of medical consultations ! 
 
 Pluto : Gentlemen, what think you of 
 
 this? 
 
 * *
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctoi's. 
 
 131 
 
 POPULAR FRENCH ANECDOTES REFLECTING AGAINST DOCTORS. 
 
 [These are from notes collected from time to time by the Translator.] 
 
 PIERRE CHIRkAC (French sur- 
 geon, 1650 to 1732). 
 
 Chirrac once heard a priest proclaim- 
 ing on the subject of the resuscitation of 
 Lazarus from the dead, remarked : *' If he 
 had been my patient they could not have 
 raised him." — Choix d' Anecdotes. 
 
 Chirrac was attacked with apoplexy. 
 Several of his medical friends were called 
 to his assistance, and bled him repeatedly. 
 Chirrac, after partially returning to con- 
 sciousness, became delirious again, and 
 beheved himself to be at a patient's bed- 
 side. His right hand seized his left wrist 
 and felt the pulse. Then he cried: *'I 
 have been called in too late. You doctors 
 have bled this man when he should have 
 been purged. Fatal error ! He is dying ! " 
 and soon after expired. 
 
 ANDRE JOSEPH PANCKOUCKE 
 
 (1700 to 1753). 
 
 On the death of the celebrated Boer- 
 haave, they found among his effects a 
 book that was said to contain all the 
 secrets of medical art worth knowing. 
 Those who bought this treasure, on open- 
 ing the work found a volume of white 
 paper leaves, perfectly blank except on 
 one rine, where was written this apothegm : 
 
 " Keep your head cool, your bowels open, 
 your feet warm, and you will mock the 
 doctors." 
 
 Falconet was one day called to a lady 
 suffering from an imaginary complaint. 
 On being questioned, she admitted that 
 she ate, drank and slept well and had all 
 the apparent signs of health. "Never 
 mind, madam," remarked the Doctor, "I 
 will give you a remedy that will remove all 
 these complaints." 
 
 The physician Du Moulin said to seve- 
 ral of his confreres who stood around his 
 bedside deploring his fate: "Gentlemen, 
 I leave only three eminent physicians be- 
 hind me." Believing he was about to 
 name them out of comphment, the doctors 
 stood filled with pride, when he continued : 
 "These three are eminently successful 
 practitioners I leave behind me : Water, 
 Exercise, and Diet." — Dictionnaire des 
 Anecdotes. 
 
 Crebillon the tragedien, had a trouble- 
 some malady several years before achiev- 
 ing his success in his "Catalina," and his 
 physician, Hermont, one day asked him to 
 present him the first two acts. Crebillon 
 only answered him by repeating the verse : 
 
 " Ah ! should one inherit from him he assassi- 
 nates." 
 
 — Galerie de V Ancienne Cour.
 
 132 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 JEAN FRANCOIS MAMONTEL 
 
 (1723 to 1799). 
 
 Malouin imagined I was taking his 
 lavements and infusions. This I did not 
 do, and at the end of the usual period the 
 malady disappeared. Malouin rejoiced in 
 what he considered a glorious cure. I did 
 not attempt to restrain his triumph by un- 
 deceivmg him. *^Ah! my friend," said 
 he, *'you think there is nothing in medi- 
 cine and the knowledge of doctors." I 
 answered him that I was a strong believer. 
 " I do not think so," he responded, '* inas- 
 much as you sometimes speak of the pro- 
 fession slightingly." Whereat I retorted, 
 ''But think of Moliere?" Then closing 
 his fists in wrath he looked me with fixed 
 eyes and exclaimed in wrath, "Yes, but 
 he's dead, too ! " 
 
 On another occasion Dr. Malouin was 
 visited by a celebrated philosopher who 
 had taken one prescription for four years 
 and recovered. When he had made this 
 astonishing statement, Malouin cried out 
 in a voice of profound admiration, "Em- 
 brace me, my friend, you are worthy of 
 being one of my patients." 
 
 * * * 
 
 SEBASTIEN NICHOLAS CHAM- 
 FORT (French satirist, 1741 to 
 1794). 
 
 Dr. J. operated on one of his clients 
 and cut off the leg. A relative of the vic- 
 tim took the surgeon to one side and said, 
 ' ' Do you think, Doctor, that our friend 
 will recover ? " To which the medical 
 scientist rephed, " I never had the slight- 
 est hope of such a good ending." And 
 the indignant relative thereat exclaimed, 
 "Why make him suffer, then? Why in 
 
 the Devil operate on a person given over 
 for lost ? " Then said the surgeon calmly, 
 "Oh, it is necessary to humor patients a 
 little ! " 
 
 We all know what familiarity the King 
 of Prussia permitted to his immediate 
 friends. General Quintius Icilius was one 
 of those who profited most by this liberty. 
 The King, before the battle of Rosbach, 
 remarked that if he lost the day he would 
 go back to Venice, where he had formerly 
 lived, and there practice medicine. When 
 Quintius responded, "Always in the kill- 
 ing business, eh ? " 
 
 One day the King said to his physi- 
 cian, "Tell me truly, doctor, how many 
 men have you slaughtered during your 
 life?" And the physician answered 
 promptly, " Almost three hundred thou- 
 sand less than you, Sire ! " 
 
 VICOMPTE DE LAUNAY (Nine- 
 teenth century). 
 
 Gerard de Nerval had been locked up, 
 a little too soon, as insane, and when re- 
 leased and asked, "What disease have you 
 had ? " he repUed, * ' A hot fever, compli- 
 cated with doctors ! " 
 
 Madam X. every day received, be- 
 tween the hours of two and three, her phy- 
 sician, Dr. Z., a most entertaining conver- 
 sationalist and amiable gentleman. One 
 day Dr. Z. called, according to custom, 
 and was not received. He ordered the 
 servant to announce his name again, and 
 the valet brought back the answer, 
 "Madam is sick to-day and does not de- 
 sire to see a doctor." 
 
 Cardinal Richelieu, fearing himself 
 
 iself I
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 33 
 
 about to die, pressed his physicians to tell 
 him truly what they thought of his condi- 
 tion and how much longer he might live. 
 All replied that a life so precious to the 
 world should interest the aid of Heaven, 
 and that God would make a miracle and 
 cure him. The Cardinal was not satisfied 
 with these flatterers, but sent for blunt and 
 honest old Dr. Chicot, physician to the 
 King, and implored the latter to tell him 
 the truth. " In twenty-four hours," said 
 
 Dr. Chicot, " you will be dead or cured." 
 The Cardinal was satisfied, and died in 
 twenty-four hours. 
 
 A physician once asked Father Bourda- 
 lone what he did to enjoy such good 
 health, and the priest responded that he 
 ate only one meal a day and took no medi- 
 cine. ''Keep the secret," cried the doc- 
 tor, ''for if you make it public you will 
 ruin the profession."
 
 34 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 EXTRACTS FROM ENGLISH WRITERS. 
 
 [These few extracts by English writers are added by the Translator, and include only the 
 commonly quoted lines familiar to the average American medical reader.] 
 
 SHAKESPEARE (1564 to 1616). 
 
 Throw physic to the dogs ; I'll none of it. 
 
 —Macbeth. 
 
 Take physic, pomp ; 
 
 Expose thyself to feel as others feel 
 
 — Macbeth. 
 
 * * * 
 
 ROBERT BURTON (1576 to 1639). 
 Anatomy of Melancholy. 
 
 OF PHYSIC WHICH CURETH WITH 
 MEDICINES. 
 
 Paulus Jovius, in his description of 
 Britain, and Levinus Lemnius observe as 
 much of this, our island, that there was of 
 old no use of physic among us and but 
 little at this day, except it be for a few 
 nice idle citizens, surfeiting courtiers and 
 stall-fed gentlemen lubbers. The country 
 people use kitchen physic, and common 
 experience tells us that they live freest 
 from all manner of infirmities that make 
 least use of apothecaries' physic. Some 
 think physicians kill as many as they save, 
 and who can tell * ' How many murders 
 they make in a year ? " Quibus inipune 
 licet hofninem occidere, * * that many kill folk 
 and have a reward for it ; " and, according 
 to the old Dutch proverla, * ' a new physi- 
 cian must have a new church-yard," and 
 who daily observes it not? Many that 
 
 did ill under physicians' hands have 
 happily escaped when they have been 
 given over by them, left to God and Na- 
 ture and thems^elves ; 'twas Pliny's dilem- 
 ma of old. ' * Every disease is either 
 curable or incurable, a man recovers of it 
 or is killed by it ; both ways physic is to 
 be rejected. If it be deadly, it cannot be 
 cured ; if it be helped, it requires no phy- 
 sician, Nature will expel it of itself." It is 
 no art at all, as some hold, no, not worthy 
 the name of a liberal science, as Petronius 
 Canonherius, a patrician of Rome and a 
 great doctor himself "one of their own 
 tribe" proves by sixteen arguments, be- 
 cause it is mercenary as now used, base 
 and as fiddlers play for a reward. Juridi- 
 cis, medicis, fisco fas vivere rapto, 'tis a 
 corrupt trade, no science, art, no profes- 
 sion; the beginning, practice and profes- 
 sion of it, all is nought, full of imposture, 
 uncertainty, and doth generally more 
 harm than good. The Devil himself was 
 the first inventor it; ^^Invenimn est medicina 
 meum,'' said Apollo, and what was Apollo 
 but the Devil ? The Greeks first made an 
 art of it, and they were all deluded by 
 Apollo's sons, priests, oracles, ^scula- 
 pius, his son, had temples erected to his 
 deity, and did many famous cures ; but, as 
 Lactantius holds, he was a magician, a 
 mere impostor. The Arabians received 
 medicine from the Greeks, and so the
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 35 
 
 Latins, adding new precepts and medi- 
 cines of their own, but so imperfect still, 
 that through ignorance of professors, im- 
 postors, mountebanks, empirics, disagree- 
 ing of sectaries (which are as many almost 
 as there be diseases'), envy, covetousness 
 and the Hke, they do much harm among 
 us. 
 
 They are so different in their consul- 
 tations, prescriptions, mistaking many 
 times the party's constitution, disease, and 
 causes of it, they give quite contrary 
 physic. " One sayeth this, another that," 
 out of singularity or opposition. As he 
 said of Adrian, viultitudo ^ne^dicorum princi- 
 pem interfecit, "a multitude of physicians 
 hath killed the Emperor ; " plus a medico 
 quant a morbo periculi, '' more danger there 
 is from the physician than from the dis- 
 ease." 
 
 Besides, there is much imposture 
 and malice among them. " All arts," 
 sayeth Cardan, ''admit of cozening, physic, 
 among the rest doth appropriate it to her- 
 self," and tells a story of one Curtius, a 
 physician in Venice; because he was a 
 stranger, and practiced amongst them, the 
 rest of the physicians did still cross him in 
 all his precepts. If he prescribed hot 
 medicines, they would prescribe cold, 
 miscentes pro calidis frigida pro purganti- 
 bus astringenta^ binders for purgatives, 
 omnia perturhahant. If the party miscarried, 
 Curtiu7n damnabant, Curtius killed him, 
 that disagreed from them : if he recovered, 
 then they cured him themselves. 
 
 But it is their ignorance that does more 
 harm than rashness ; their art is wholly 
 conjectural, if it be an art, uncertain, im- 
 perfect, and got by killing of men ; they 
 are a kind of butchers, slayers, leeches ; 
 chirurgeons and apothecaries especially 
 are indeed the physician's hangmen, carni- 
 fices, and common executioners; though, 
 
 to say truth, physicians themselves come 
 not far behind ; for, according to that 
 facete epigram of Maximilianus Urentius, 
 what's the difference ? 
 
 Chirurgus medico quo differt ? Scilicet isto, 
 Enecat hie succis, enecat ille manu ; 
 Carnifice hoc ambo tantum differre videntur 
 Tardius hi faciunt, quod facit ille cito. 
 
 Or, as rendered by Burton, **How does 
 the surgeon differ from the doctor ? In 
 this respect : one kills by drugs, the other 
 by the hand; both only differ from the 
 hangman in this way : they do slowly what 
 he does in an instant." 
 
 The most rational and skillful of them 
 are so often deceived, that, as Tholosanus 
 infers, " I had rather beUeve and commit 
 myself to a mere empiric than to a mere 
 doctor." It was Xenophon who told 
 Cyrus that, to his thinking, physicians 
 "were like tailors and cobblers, the one 
 mended our bodies and the other our 
 clothes." But I will urge these cavilling 
 and contumelious arguments no further, 
 lest some physician should mistake me and 
 deny me physic when I am sick ; for my 
 part, I am well persuaded of physic ; I can 
 distinguish the abuse from the use, in this 
 and many other arts and sciences; aliud 
 vinum, aliud ebrietas, wine and drunkenness 
 are two distinct things. 
 
 JOHN DRYDEN (1531 to 1701). 
 
 Better to hunt in field for health unbought 
 Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught. 
 The wise for cure on exercise depend — 
 God never made his work for men to mend. 
 
 GEORGE HERBERT (1593 to 1632). 
 
 After death the Doctor. 
 
 —Jacula Prudentuvi,
 
 136 
 
 The Evil that has been said of Doctors. 
 
 MILTON (1608 to 1674). 
 
 Budge doctors of the stoic fur. 
 
 — Comus. 
 
 TOM BROWNC) (1663 to 1704). 
 
 I do not love thee, Doctor Fell. 
 The reason why I cannot tell. 
 But this alone 1 know full well, 
 I do not love thee, Doctor Fell. 
 
 I Non amo te, Sabidi, nee possum dicere quare ; 
 Hoc tantum possum dicere, non amo te. 
 
 — Martial, Epigram I, 33. 
 
 Je ne vous aime pas, Hylas ; 
 Je n'en saurois dire la cause. 
 Je seulement une chose , 
 C'est que je ne vous aime pas. 
 
 — Bussy, Compte de Rabutin, Book I. 
 
 JOHN GAY (1688 to 1732). 
 
 " Is there hope?" the sick man said. 
 The silent doctor shook his head. 
 
 — The Sick Man and the Angel. 
 
 * * * 
 
 POPE (1688 to 1744). 
 
 Who shall decide when doctors disagree. 
 And soundest casuists doubt, like you and me ? 
 — Moral Essays. 
 
 GEORGE COLMAN (1762 to 1836). 
 
 But when ill indeed. 
 E'en dismissing the doctor don't always succeed. 
 — Lodgings for Single Gentlemen.
 
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