3461 F6d The Devil upon Two Sticks THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ENDOWMENT FUND THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS; V A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS: PERFORMED AT THS THEATRE-ROYAL IN THE HAYMARK.ET: SAMUEL FOOTE, Efy. AND PUBtlSHZD BY Mr. C O L M A N. L O NDON : PKINTEO FOR VV. LOWXDES, ANO S. B L A D O N. 1794. ife One Shilling and Sixpence. ADVERTISEMENT. copies of fpurious impreffions of the Cozeners, and' the Maid of Bath; having been printed and circulated before the application /to}. the Court of Chancery for an injunction, it; Jjas been thought advifable,. in vindication qf the property of the Editor, jis well as in juftice to thn deceafed Author, immediately to commit to the prefs genuine editions of the two dramtnycj pieces above-mentioned, together with this .Comedy,, which had been alCQ\ without; authority aajdc,l?y the facetious .Writer, are omitted. IVJany. in- 4 dances of this wiU'pccur on perufal of thqfe Comedies,, and particularly the- Cozeners ; in xvhich, befides trie reftoration of feveral paffages always fpokcn on the ftage, the Reader w;ll find a whole fcene, at the end of the Firft Act, and another, ftill more entertaining and popular, at the beginning of tfre Third; both which were wholly wanting in the fpurious impredions. Unauthorized publications are not only always detrimental to private property, but commonly prove injurious to the publick: for the copies^ being obtained by clandestine and indirect means, are, for the moft part, as has happened in the prefent inftance, incorrect: and imperfect. A 2 DRAMATIS 892217 DRAMATIS PERSONA DEVIL, Mr. Foote. Sir THOMAS MAXWELL , Mr. Gardner. INVOICE, f Mr. Du- Bellamy. SLIGO, Mr. Moody. BROADBRIM, ^ _, Mr. Thompfon. OSASAFRAS, ? Mr. Egan. FlNGERFEE, > $>< Mr. Hutton. CAMPHIRE, 1 Mr. Fearon. CALOMEL, Mr. Lings. DIACHYLON, Mr. Lewis. HABAKKUK, j I Mr. Pierce. Dr. LAST, Mr. Weflon. JOHNNY MACPHERSON, Mr. Hamilton. JULEP, Mr. Palmer. APOZEM, Mr. Caflle. FORCEPS, Mr. Stevens. SECRETARY, Mr. Loyd. PRINTER'S DEVIL, Mr. Jacobs. MARGARET, Mr* . Gardner. HARRIET, Mrs. Jewell. Servants, &c. THE THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. ACT I. A ROOM. Enter Sir Thomas Maxwell and Margaret. Sir Thomas. WH Y, the woman is mad ! thefe curfed news-paper patriots have fhatter'd her brains ! nothing lefs than a fenator of feven years Handing can conceive what me means. Marg. Why, Sir Thomas, my conversion is neither deficient in order, precifion, or dignity. Sir Tbo. Dignity ! and what occalion for dig- nity in the common concerns of my houfe? why the deuce can't you converfe like the reft of the world ? If you want money to pay off' my bills, you move me for further fupplies ; if I turn away a fervant, you condemn me for fo often changing my miniftry ; and becaufe I lock up my daugh- ter, to prevent her eloping with the paltry clerk of a pitiful trader, it is forfooth an invafion of the Bill of Rights, and a mortal ftab to the great Charter of Liberty. Marg. As Serjeant Second'em faid in the de- bate on the corn-bill, " Then why don't you chufe better ground, brother, and learn to enlarge " your bottom a little ? Confider, you mult draw " the line of liberty fomewhere j for ifthefe rights c belong" Sir Tho. Mercy on us ! A 3 Marg. 5 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Marg. But indeed, my dear brother, you are got quite out of your depth : Woman, I tell you, is a.microcQfm, and rightjy to rule her requires as* great talent?, as to govern a ftate. And what fays the Aphorifm of Cardinal Polignac? " If <( you would not have a perfon deceive you, be rv. Both. Har. Loft, pad redemption ! Sir Tho. Then advance ! now let us unharbour the rafcal ! Har. What can we do? Sir Tho. Come, madam, open your doors ! Har. The balcony, quick, Mr. Invoice, the balcony ! , Sir 'Tho. Unlock, Mrs. Minx ! your minion is difcovered. Inv. A couple of fellows (land below, with their pieces pointed directly againft it. Sir Tho, What, then, you will compel us to batter? Har. The whole houfe is furrounded ! how can you efcape ? Inv. Where will this window conduct us ? Har. To the leads that join our houfe to the chymift's. Inv. To the leads ? it is but a ftep ; there is no danger. Har. Then inftantly fly ! you have every thing to fear from my father. Sir Tho. John, fetch the mattock and crow ! Inv. And leave my Harriet behind me ? Har. Secure yourfelf, and abandon me to my fate. Inv.. No, madam, that I will never do; I'll dare your father's utmoft refentmcnt, Sir 12 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Sir Tho. Where is that rafcal loitering ? Har. Then you are loft ! Inv. Would my Harriet accompany my Sight Har. Can you delire it? Inv. I do, I do; my deareft angel, I do ! By all that's facred, your honour fhail be as fe- cure with me as in the cell of a faint ! Har. Bat character, decency, prudence Inv. The occafion, the danger, all juftify Sir Tho. Oh, what, you are come at laft. Inv. Determine, my life! You have but a moment Har. Should you, Mr. Invoice, deceive me Inv. When I do, may my laft hope deceive me ! Har. It is a bold, a dangerous ftep ! Inv. Fear nothing, ray love! Advances to the window , and gets out. Sir Tho. Drive at the pannel. Marg. [without.] I enter my proteft! Sir Tho. And I will enter the room! Inv. Now leap ; all is fafe. Harriet gets out at the window. Sir Thomas, adieu ! Sir Tho. Wrench open the lock ! Marg. Ay, do, at your peril ! Sir Tho. Down with the door ! Marg. Then you mall all be fwingingly foufed. Produce your authority. Sir Tho. Mine ! Marg. You have none; not fo much as the fandlion of a general warrant. Sir Tho. What, then, I fee I muft do it myfelf; There it goes ! Pretty law indeed, to lock a man out of his own houfe! Enter THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 13 Enter Sir Thomas, Margaret, and Servants. Now, Mrs. Heyday ! what are become of the parties? vanifhed? Marg. Deceived by your fpies ! no uncommon thing, brother, for a blundering general. Sir Tbo. You are fure you faw him come in ? Strv. Certain, Sir Thomas. Sir Tbo. Then I warrant we will ferret them out. Come, lads ! let not a corner efcape you ! [Exeunt Sir Tho. and Servants. Marg. I mall wait on your motions, and bring up the rear. [Exit. Scene changes to the Chymift's. Enter Invoice and Harriet , through the fajh. Inv. Safely landed, however. Har. Are you fure you are not purfued ? Inv. Not a foul: Never fear! they will hardly venture this road. Har. What a ftep have you induced me to take ! to what diftrefs and difficulties have I ex- pofed myfelf ! Inv. Banifh your fears, and let us look forward, my love. Har. Nay, I have gone too far to retreat. Well, Sir, what is next to be done ? Inv. The Spaniards are naturally generous; perhaps, upon hearing our ftory, the owner of the houfe may lend his afliftance. This, I fup- pofe, is the Laboratory, and this door leads to the (hop. Devil [in a bottle.] Heigh-ho ! Har. Who is that? Inv. That! where? Har. Did not you hear a voice ? Inv 14 T&E DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS* Inv. None. Fancy, my love; only your fears* Devil. Heigh ho! Har. There again ! Inv. I hear it now. Who is there? Devil. Me. Inv. Me ? he fpeaks Englifh ! Who and where are you? Devil. Here in this bottle; where I have been cork'd up for thefe fix months. Inv. Cork'd up in a bottle ! I never heard of fuch a thing in my life, unlefs, indeed, in the Hay- market once. Cork'd up in a bottle, d ! ye fay ? Devil. Ay ; by the matter of this houfe, a magician. Inv. A magician ! Why then you are a fpirit, I fuppoTe. Devil. You are right; I am the Devil. Har. Mercy on us ! Devil. Don't be terrified, Mifs : You remem- ber the old proverb, " The Devil is not fo black " as he is painted." Inv. Well, but Sir Devil. A truce to.your queftions, my good Sir, for the prefent ! Cqnftder, ramm'd up in this narrow compafs, I can't be much at my eafe j now if you will but break the bottle before you on the floor Har. For heaven's fake, Mr. Invoice, take care what you do. Devil. Why, my pretty Mifs, what rifque do you run? your affairs can hardly be changed for the worfe. Har. That's true, indeed! Devil. Believe me, Mifs, as matters ftand, we can be of mutual ufe : Your lover may deliver me from THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. t from prifon, and I can prevent you both from go- ing into confinement. Inv. What fays my Harriet ? (hall I rely on the gentleman's word ? Devil. Do, madam ! I am a Devil of honour. Befides, you have but a little time to confider ; in iefs than five minutes, you \vill have the Con- ful and all his crew in the houfe. Ixv. Nay.then Pray which is the bottle? Devil. That in the middle, right before you. Inv. There it goes ! [He breaks the bottle , and Devil rifes out of it. Thunder. Har. Oh, what a Devil. I am not furprized, Mifs, that you are a little mocked at my figure: I could haveaffumed a much more agreeable form ; but as we are to be a little better acquainted, I thought it beft to quit all difguife and pretence ; therefore, madam, you fee me juft as I am. Har. I am fure, Sir, you are ve ve very agreeable. Devil. Yo yo you are pleafed to compliment, madam. Come, anfwer me fincerely ; am I fuch a being as you expected to fee ? Har. Really, Sir, I can hardly fay what I ex- pected to fee. Devil. I own it is a puzzling queftion ; at leaft, if the world does us juftice in the contradictory qualities they are pleafed to afford us. Inv. You will forgive me, if I don't underftand you. Devil. Why, for all their fuperlative epithets, you cannot but fee how much men are beholden to us ; by our means it is that you meafure the extent both of your virtues and vices. Inv. l6 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Inv. As how ? Devil. As thus : In defcribing your friends, or your foes, they are devilifb rich, devilijh poor, devilijbug\y> devilijh handfome; now and then, indeed, to vary the mode of converfing, you make a little free with our condition and country, as, kellijb dull, damn'd clever, bellijh cold ; Filial how damnd hot it is ! Inv. True, Sir, but I confider this as a rhetori- cal figure, a manner of fpeaking devifed and practifed by dulnefs, to conceal the lack of ideas, and the want of expreflions. Devil. Partly that, I confefs : Not but there is fome truth in the cafe; for at different times we have the power, and do afTume the various forms, you aflign us. Inv. We? I obferve you always make ufe of the plural; is that, Sir, by way of distinction, or, is your family pretty large and extenfive ? Devil. Multitudinous as the fands on the beach, or the moats in a fun beam: How the deuce elfe do you think we could do all the bufinefs below? Why, there's fcarce an individual amongft you, at leaft of any rank or importance, but has five or fix of us in his train. Inv. Indeed ! Devil. A little before I got rammed in that phial, I had been for fome time on very hard duty in this part of the world. Jnv. Of what kind? Devi!. The Daemon of Power and I had long laid liege to a fubject, the man a grandee ; I was then a popular fpirit, and wore the maik of a patriot; at different times, we pofleffed him by turns ; but, in the midtt of a violent ftrugglc (by which means I got lame on this leg, and ob- tained THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. I 7 tained the nick-name of the Devil Upon Sticks), the Daemon of Vanity, a low under- ft rapper amongft us, held over his head a circle of gold, with five knobs on the top, and, wbeiv! flew away with our prize in an inftant. Inv. Under-ftrapper ! what, are there different ranks and orders amongft you? Devil. Without doubt. Inv. And pray, Sir I hope, no offence; but I would not be wanting in proper refpecl are you, when at home, of condition ? or how mu ft I Devil. You mean, am I a Devil of fafhion, or one of the bafe born? Inv. 1 do. Devil. I have no reafon to be aftiamed of my family. Inv. I don't doubt it. You will forgive me, if I make a miftake: Perhaps, my lord Lucifer. Devil. Who? Inv. Lord Lucifer. Devil. Lord Lucifer? how little you know of our folks ! Lucifer a lord! Why, that's the meaneft rafcal amongft us. Inv. Indeed! Devil. Oh, a paltry mechanic ! the very genius of jobbing ! a mere Bull and Bear booby ; the patron of lame ducks, brokers, and fraudulent bankrupts. Inv. You amaze me ! I vow I always thought him a principal agent. Devil. He ! Not at all. The fellow, indeed, gave himfelf fome airs of importance, upon following the camp, and having the Contractors and CommifTaries under his care ; but that affair, you know, clofed with the war. B Inv. l8 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Inv. What, then, are they now entirely out of his hands ? Devil. Yes; quite out of his: He only fuggeft- ed their cent, per cent, fqueezings, and prompted the various modes of extortion and rapine : But, in his room, they have fix or feven Daemons a-piece, to direct the diflipation of their ill-gotten wealth. Jnv. Indeed ! Devil. Poor Lucifer, it is all over with him ! if it were not for the fluctuation of India, an occafional lottery,, or a contefted election, the Alley would be empty, and Lucifer have as little to do as a pickpocket when the playhoufes are (hut. Inv. Perhaps, Sir, then your name may be Belzebub? Devil. He? worfeand worfe! Not a devil that has the leaft regard to his character would chufe to be feen in his company: Betides, it is the moft petulant, wafpiih, quarrelfome cur But no won- der; he is the imp of chicane, and protects the rotten part of the law. Inv. Then he, at leaft, has employment enough. Devil. Yes, during the Term, he has a good deal to do : He is the parent of quibbles, the guardian of pettifoggers, bad bail, and of bailiffs: the fupporter of alibi's the fource of (ham pleas, the maker and finder of laws, the patron of perjury, and a fworn foe to all trials by jury! Not long ago, though, my gentleman was put to his fhifts. Inv. How was that? Devil. The law had laid hold of an old friend of his, for being too pofitive as to a matter of fact ; evidence, evalion, protraction, pleas, every art, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 19 art, was employed to acquit him, that the moft confummate Hull could fuggeft; but all to no purpofe. Inv. That was ftrange. Devil. Beyond all belief; he could have hang'd a dozen innocent people, with half the pains that this paltry perjury gave him. Inv. How came that about ? Devil. Why I don't know he had unfor- tunately to do with an obftinate magiftrate, who bears a mortal hatred to rogues, and whofe fagacity could not be deceived. But, however, tho' he was not able to fave his friend from the lhame of conviction (a' trifle, which he indeed but little regarded), yet he had the addrefs to evade, or at Icaft defer, the time of his punifh- ment. Inv. By what means ? Devil. By finding a flaw. Inv. A flaw ! what's a flaw ? Devil. A legal loop-hole, that the lawyers leave open for a rogue now and then to creep through, that the game mayn't be wholly de- itroy'd. Inv. Provident fportfmen ! Would it not be too much trouble to favour me with this par- ticular inftance ? Devil. Not at all. Why, Sir, when matters grew defperate, and the cafe was given over for loft, little Belzyftarts up in the form of an able practitioner, and humbly conceived, that his, client could not be convicted upon that, io^"' dictment; forafmuch as therein he was charged with forfwearing himfelf NOW; whereas it clearly appeared, by the evidence, that he had only for- fworn himfelf THEN; If, indeed, he had been B 2 indicted 3Q THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS, induced generally, for committing perjury ncrtv AND then, proofs might be produced of any per- jury that he may have committed ; whereas, by limiting the point of time to the now, no proofs could be admitted as to the then: So that, with fubmiffion, he humbly conceived, his client was clearly abfolved, and his character as fair and as fpotlefs as a babe that's juft born, and immaculate as a meet of white paper. Inv. And the objeclion was good ? Devil, Fatal ; there was no getting rid of the flaw, Inv. And the gentleman * Devil. Walks about a^t his eafe; not a public place, but he thrufts his perfon full in your face, Inv. That ought not to be; the contempt of the Public, that neceffary fupplement to the beft-digefted body of laws, fhould in thefe cafes be never difpenfed with. Devil In days of yore, when the world was but young, that method had merit, and the fenfe of fhame was a kind of a curb; but knaves are now fo numerous and wealthy, they can keep one another in countenance, and laugh at the reft of the world. Inv. There may be fomething in that. - Well, Sir, I have twice been out of my guefs ; will you give me leave to hazard a third ? Per- haps you are Belphegor, or Uriel ? Devil. Neither. They too are but diminutive devils: The firft favours the petty, pilfering fralids j he may be traced in the double fcore and fbfcp'd pot of the publican, the allum and chalk of the baker, in the fophifticated mixtures of the brewers of wine and of beer, and in the falfe meafures an$ weights of them all, THE DEVIL tfPON TWO STICKS. 11 Inv. And Uriel? Devil. He is the Daemon of quacks and of mountebanks ; a thriving race all over the world, but their true feat of empire is England i There, a fhort fword, a tye, and a noftrum, a month's advertifing, with a mower of handbills, never fail of creating a fortune* But of this tribe I forefee I mall have occalion to fpeak hereafter. Inv. Well, but, Sir Devil. Come, Sir, I will put aft end to your pain ; for, from my appearance, it is impoflible you mould ever guefs at my perfon. * Now, Mifs, what think you of Cupid ? Har. You ? you Cupid ? you the gay god of love ? Devil. Yes; me, me, Mifs! What, 1 fup- pofe you expected the quiver at my back, and the bow in my hand ; the purple pinions, and filletted forehead, with the blooming graces of youth and of beauty. Har. Why, I can't but fay the poets had taught me to expect charms Devil. That never exifted but in the fire of their fancy ; all fiction and phrenzy 1 Inv. Then, perhaps, Sir, thefe creative gen- tlemen may err as much in your office, as it is clear they have miftaken your perfon. Bevil. Why, their notions of me are but narrow. It is true, I do a little bufinefs in the amorous way; but my dealings are of a dif- ferent kind to thofe they defcribe. My pro- vince lies in forming conjunctions abfurd and prepofterous : It is I that couple boys and beldames, girls and greybeards, together ; and when you fee a man of falhion lock'd in legiti- B 3 mate 22 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. . mate wedlock with the ftale leavings of half the fellows in town, or a lady of fortune fetting out for Edinburgh in a poft-chaife with her footman, you may always fet it down as fome of my handywork. But this is but an incon- liderable branch of my bufmefs. Inv. Indeed ! Devil. The feveral arts of, the drama, dancing, mufick, and painting, owe their exigence to me: I am the father of faihions, the inventor of quints, tfente, quarante y and hazard ; the guar- dian of gamefters, the genius of gluttony, and the author, protector, and patron of lieentiouf- nefs, lewdnefs, and luxury. Inv. Your department is large. Devil. One time or other 1 may give you a more minute account of thefe matters ; at prefent we have not a moment to lofe : Should my tyrant return, I muft expect to be again cork'd up in a bottle. [Knocking.'] And hark ! it is the conful that knocks as the door ; there- fore be quick ! how can I ferve you ? Inv. You are no ftranger, Sir, to our diftrefs : Here, we are unprotected and friendlefs ; could your art convey us to the place of our birth Devil. To England ? Inv. If you pleafe. / Devil. Without danger, and with great ex- pedition. Come to this window, and lay hold of my cloak. I have often refided in England : At prefent, indeed > there are but few of our family there; every feventh year, we have a general difpenfation for refidence; for at that time the inhabitants themfelves can play the devil without our aid or afliftance. Off we go! ftkk faft to your hold ! [Thunder^ Exeunt. ACT THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 23 ACT II. A STREET IN LONDON. Enter Devil, Invoice, and Harriet. Devil. \\7 ELL, my good friends, I hope you are * ' not difpleafed with your journey. Inv. We had no time to be tired. Har. No vehicle was ever fo eafy. Devil. Then, by you mortals what injuftice is done us, when every crazy, creaking, jolting, jumbling coach, is called the devil of a carriage. Inv. Very true k Devil. Oh, amongft you we are horridly ufed Well, Sir, you now fee I am a Devil of honour, .and have punctually obeyed your commands : But I (ha'n't limit my gratitude to a literal com- pliance with our compact ; is there any thing elfe for your fervice? Inv. Were I not afraid to trefpafs too much on your time Devil. A truce to your compliments ! Though they are the common change of the world, we know of what bafe metal the coin is compofed, and have cried down the currency: Speak your wifhes at once. Inv. England, Sir, is our country, it is true ; but Mifs Maxwell being born abroad, and my leaving it young, have made us both as much Grangers to it manners and cuftoms, as if you had fet us down at Ifaphan or Delhi : Give us, then, fome little knowledge of the people with whom we are to live. Devil. That talk, young gentleman, is too much even for the Devil himfelf I Where liberty reigns, B 4 and 24 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. and property is pretty equally fpread, indepen- dence and pride will give each individual a pecu- liar and feparate character: When clafled in pro- feflions, indeed, they then wear fome fingular marks that diftingum them from the reft of their race ; thefe it may be necefTary for you to know. Jnv. You will highly oblige me. Devil. And at the fame time that I am mewing you perfons, I will give you fome little light into things. Health and property you know are the two important objects of human attention : You (hall firft fee their ftate and fuuation in London. Inv. You mean the practice of phyfick and law? Devil. I do. And as to the firft, you will find it, in fome of the profefTors, a fcience, noble, fa- lutary and liberal ; in others, a trade, as mean as it is mercenary ; a contemptible combination of dunces, nurfes, and apothecaries : But you have now a lucky opportunity of knowing more in an hour of the great improvements in this branch of civil fociety, than, by any other means, feven years could have taught you. Inv. Explain, if you pleafe. Devil. The fpirit of Difcord prevails : The republic of tied periwigs, like the Romans of old, have turned their arms from the reft of man- kind, to draw their fhort fwords on themfelves. Inv. But how came this about? Devil. To carry on the metaphor, you muft know, in this great town, there are two corps of thefe troops, equally numerous, and equally for- midable : The firft, it is true, aredifciplined, and fight under a general, whom they chriften a Pre- iident: Thefecond contains the hulTars, and pan- dours of phyfick ; they rarely attacks a patient to- gether; THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS, 25 gether : not but the latter fingle-handed can do good execution. Inv. But their caufe of contention? Devil. Pride. The light troops are jealous of fome honours the others pofiefs by prefcription, and, though, but a militia, think they have right to an equal rank with the regulars. Inv. Why, this in time may ruin their (late. Devil. True; but thaL we rnuft prevent ; it is our mtereft to make up this breach : Already we feel the fatal eftecls of their feuds : By neglecting their patients, the weekly bills daily decline, and new fubjects begin to grow fcarcerin our realms. Inv. This does, indeed, claim your attention. Devil. We purpofe to call in the aid of the law ; bleeding the purfe is as effectual for damp- ing the fpirit, as opening a vein for lowering the pulfe: The Daemon of Litigation has already pofTeflTed the Licentiates; I muft infufe the fame paflion into the Prefident ; and I warrant you, in two or three terms, with two or three trials, all fides will be heartily tired. But, a-propos ! I fee a brace of apothecaries coming this way ; they feern deep in debate : Let us liften; we (hall belt learn from them the prefent pofture of Hum, hide ! You mail here too have a proof what a Proteus I am. [They retire. Enter Julep and ApOTLem^ "with a letter. Julep. I tell you, Apozem, you are but young in the bufinefs, and don't foreiee how much- we mall be all hurt in the end. Jpozem. Well, but what can be done, Mr. Julep? Here Dr. Hellebore writes me word, that they threaten a liege, and are provided with fire. 26 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. fire-arms: Would you have them furrender the College at once? Julep. Fire-arms? If they are mad enough not to know that the pen is the doctor's beft piftol, why, let them proceed ! Apozem. But are we to ftand quietly by, and fee the very feat of the fcience demolifhed and torn? Julep. And with what arms are we to defend it? where are our cannon? We have mortars indeed, but then they are fit to hold nothing but peftles; and, as to our fmall arms, of what ufe can they be in a liege > they are made, you know, to attack only the rear. Apozem. Come, come, Mr. Julep, you make too light of thefe matters : To have the lawful defcendants from Galen, the throne of Efculapius, overturned by a parcel of Goths ! Julep. Peace, Apozem, or treat your betters with proper refpedt ! What, numfkull, do you think all phyficians are blockheads, who have not wafhed their hands in the Cam or the Ifis > Apozem. Well, but I hope you will allow that a univeriity-dodlor Julep. May, for aught you know, be a dunce. Besides, fool, what have we to do with degrees ? The doclor that dofes beft is the beft doftor for us. You talk of the College; there are fome of their names, I am fure, that I never defire to fee on my file. Apozem. Indeed ! Julep. Indeed ? no, indeed. Why, there's Dr. Diet, that makes fuch a duft : He had a perfon of fafhion, a patient of mine, under his care t'other day ; as fine a flow fever ! I was in hopes of half making my fortune Apozem, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 27 Apozem. Yes, I love a flow fever. Was it nervous ? Julep. Ay; with, a lovely dejection of fpirits. Apozem. That was delightful, indeed! I look upon the nerves and the bile to be the two beft friends we have to our back. Well, pray, and how did it anfwer? Julep. Not at all s the fcoundrel let him flip through my hands for a fong; only a paltry fix pounds and a crown. Apozem. Shameful! Julep. Infamous ! and yet, forfooth, he was one of your College. Well, now to fhew you the difference in men ; but the very week after, Dr. Linctus, from Leyden, run me up a bill of thirty odd pounds, for only attending Alderman Soak- pot fix days in a furfeit. Apazcm. Ay, that was doing of bufinefs. Julep. Ah! that's a fweet pretty practitioner, Apozem: We muft all do our utmoft to pufh him. Apozem. Without doubt. But, notwithftand- ing all that you fay, Mr. Julep, there are fome of the gentlemen of the College, that I know Julep. Ah ! as fine fellows as ever fingered a pulfe ; not one of the trade will deny it. Apozem. But, amongft all now, old Nat Night- fhade is the man for my money. Julep. Yes; Nat, Nat has merit, I own; but, pox take him ! he is fo devilifh quick : To be fure, he has a very pretty fluent pen whilft it lafts ; but then he makes fuch difpatch, that one has hardly time to fend in two dozen of draughts. Apozem. Yes ; the doctor drives on, to be fure. Julep. Drives on ! If I am at all free in the houfe when old Nightfliade is fent for, as a pre- paratory dofe I always recommend an attorney. Apozem, 18 TllE DEVIL UfON TWO STICKS* . An attorney ? for what ? Julep. To make the patient's will, before he fwallows the doctor's prefcriptiom Apozem. That is prudent. Julep. Yes ; I generally afterwards get the thanks of the family. Apozem. What, Mr. Julep, for the attorney, of the phyfician? ha, ha! Julep. Ha, ha! you are arch, little Apozem $ quite a wag, I profefs. Apozem. Why, you know, brother Julep, thefe arefubjects upon which one can hardly be ferions* Julep. True, true; but then you mould never laugh loud in the ftreet: We may indulge, in- deed, a kind of iimpering fmile to our patients, as we drive by in our chariots ; but then there is a decency, not to iy dignity, that becomes the publick demeanour of us, who belong to the faculty. Apozem. True. And yet there are times when one can hardly forbear : Why, t'other day now I had like to have burft : I was following a fune- ral into St. George's-^ a fweet pretty burying; Velvet pall, hatband and gloves ; and, indeed, the widow was quite handfome in all things ; paid my bill the next week, without fconcing off fix- pence, though they were thought to have lived happily together but, as I was faying, as we were entering the church, who mould ftand in the porch but Kit Cabbage the taylor, with a new pair of breeches under his arm : The fly rogue made me a bow, " Servant, mafter Apozem!" fays he; " what you are carrying home your * work too, I fee." Did your ever hear fuch a dog? Julif. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 2 Julep. Ay, ay; let them, let them But, is not than Dr. Squib that is crofting the way? Apozem. Yes ; you may fee it is Squib, by his muffle. What, I fuppofe now he is fcouhng away for the College. Julep. Who? Squib? how little you know of him! he did not care if all our tribe was tipped into the Thames. Apozem. No ! Julep. No. Lord help you! he is too much taken up with the national illnefs, to attend to particular ails : Why, he would quit the bed patient in town, to hunt; after a political fecret; and would rather have a whifper from a great man in the Court of Requefts, than five hundred pounds for attending him in a chronical cafe. Apozem. Wonderful! Who can that dirty boy be that he has in his hand ? Julep. One of his fcouts, I fuppofe. We j {hall fee. Re-enter Devil t as Dr. Squib^ and Printer's Devil, Squib. And you are fure this was worked off pne of the firft ? Boy. Nora fmgle one, Sir, has been fent out as yet. Squib. That is daintily done, my dear devil! Here, child, here's fixpence. When your matter gives you the reft, you need not be in hafte to de- liver them, but ftep into the firft publrck-houfe to refrefh you. Boy. I (hall, Sir. Squib. By that means, I (hall be earlieft to treat two or three great men that I know with the fight. Pay. No further commands, Sir? Squibt 3O THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS, Squib. None, child. But, d'ye hear? if you can at any time get me the rough reading of any tart political manufcript, before it goes to the prefs, you fha'n't be a lofer. Boy. I fhall try, Sir. Squib. That's well ! Mind your bufinefs, and go on but as you begin, and I forefee your fortune is made: Come, who knows but in a little time, if you are a good boy, you may get yourfelf com- mitted to Newgate. Boy. Ah, Sir, I am afraid I am too young. Squib. Not at all: I have feen lads in limbo much younger than you. Come, don't be faint- hearted ; there has many a printer been raifed to the pillory from as flender beginnings. Boy. That's great comfort however. Well, Sir, I'll do my endeavour. [/. Squib. Do, do! What, Apozem! Julep 1 well encountered, my lads ! You are a couple of lucky rogues ! Here, here's a treat for a prince; fuch a print, boys! juft frefh from the plate: Feel it; fo wet you may ring it. Julep. And pray, good dodor, what is the fubjedl? Squib. Subject? Gad take me, a trimmer! this will make fome folks that we know look about them: Hey, Julep, don't you think this will fting? Julep. I profefs I don't underftand it. Squib. No? Why, zounds, it is as plain as a pikeftaff; in your own way too, you blockhead ! Can't you fee? Read, read the title, you rogue! But, perhaps you can't without fpe&acles. Let me fee; ay, -" The State-Quacks ; or, Britannia " Dying:" You take it? Julep. Very well. Squib. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 31 Squib. There you fee her ftretched along on a pallet ? you may know {he is Britannia, by the {hield and fpear at the head of her bed. Apozem. Very plain ; for all the world like the wrong fide of a halfpenny! Squib. Well faid, little Apozem! you have difcernment, I fee. Her difeafe is a lethargy ; you fee how (ick me is, by holding her hand to her head ; don't you fee that ? Julep. I do, I do. Squib. Well then, look at that figure there upon her left-hand. Julep. Which? Squib. Why, he that holds a draught to her mouth. Julep. What, the man with the phial ? Squib. Ay, he ! he with the phial : That is fuppofed to be [wbifpers."] offering her lauda- num, to lull her falter afleep. Julep. Laudanum ! a noble medicine when adminiftered properly: I remember once, in a locked jaw Squib. Damn your lock'd jaw ! hold your prat- ing, you puppy! I wifh your jaws were lock'd! Pox take him, I have forgot what I was going to Apozem,.wheredid I leave off? Apozem. You left off at fader afleep. Squib. True; I was at fatter aileep. Well then; you fee that thin figure there, with the meagre chaps ; he with the ftraw in his hand. Apozem.* Very plain. Squib. He is fuppofed to be [wkifpers] You take me? Julep. Ay, ay. Squib. Who rouzes Britannia, by tickling her nofe with thatftraw ; me ftarts, and with a jerk 32, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Tftartitgi Jlrikes Julep.] I beg pardon ! and with a jerk knocks the bottle of laudanum out of his hand; and fo, by that there means, you fee, Bri- tannia is delivered from death. Julep. Ay, ay. Squib. Hey ! you fwallow the fatire ; Pretty bitter, I think ? Julep. I can't fay that I quite underftand that is a a Squib. Not underftand ? then what a fool am I to throw away my time on a dunce ! I mall mifs too the reading a new pamphlet in Red- Ly on- Square; and at fix I muft be at Serjeant's-lnn, to juftify bail for a couple of journeymen printers.. Apozem. But, Dr. Squib, you feem to have for- got the cafe of the College, your brethren. Squib. I have no time to attend their trifling fquabbles: The nation, the nation, Mr. Apozem, engrofles my care. The College! could they but get me a ftiptic to ftop the bleeding wounds of my it is there, there, that I feel! Oh, Julep, Apozem, Could they but caft the water of this land, Purge her grofs humours, purify her blood, And give her back her priftine health again, I would applaud them to the very echo That fhould appland again ! Julep. Indeed, Dr. Squib, that I believe is out of the way of the College. Squib. Throw phyfic to the dogs then ! I'll have none oft. But tell me, Apozem, inform me, Julep, What fenna, rhubarb, or what purgative drug, Can fcour thefe hence ? You underftand me, lads! Julep. In good truth, not I, Sir. Squib. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 33 Squib. No! then fo^ much the better! I war- rant little Pozy does. Well, adieu, my brave boys! for I have not an inftant to lofe. Not underfland me, hey? Apozem, you do, you rogue? What fenna, rhubarb, or hey can fcour thefe Sc Egad, I had like to have gone too far! Well, bye, bye ! [Exit Squib. Julep. Why, the poor man feems out of his fenfes. dpoxem. When he talked of throwing phyfic to the dogs, I confefs I began to fufpect him. But we (hall be late; we muft attend our fummons, you know. Julep. Throw phyfic to the dogs! I can tell thce, Apozem, if he does not get cured of thefe fancies and freaks, he is more likely to go to the kennel by half. Throw phyfic to the dogs! an impertinent ignorant puppy ! \Exeunt. Re enter Devil, Invoice, and Harriet. Devil. Well, I think chance has thrown a pretty good fample into your way. Now, if I could but get one to conduct you But ftay ! who have we here ? Enter Loft, with a pair ofjhocs. Loft. Pray, good gentleman, can you tell a body which is the ready road to find Warwick - lane? Devil. Warwick-lane, friend? and prithee what can thy errand be there ? La/I. I am going there to take out a licence to make me a doctor, an like your worlhip. Devil. Where do you live ? Lajl. A little way off, in the country. C Devil. 34 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Devil. Your name, honett friend, and your bufmefs? Loft, My name, matter, is Lad ; by trade I am a doctor, and by profeffion a maker of (hoes : I was born to the one, and bred up to the other. Devil. Born? I don't underftand you. Lajl. Why, I am a feventh fon, and fo were my father. Devil. Oh! a very clear title. And pray, now, in what branch does your {kill chiefly lie ? La/I. By catting a water, I cures the jaundarfe ; I taps folks for a tenpenny; and have a choice charm for the agar ; and, over and above that, matter, I bleeds. Devil. Bleeds ? and are your neighbours fo bold as to truft you ? Loft. Truft me? ay, matter, that they will, fooner than narra a man in the country. May- hap you may know Dr. Tyth'em, our rector at. home. Devil. I can't fay that I do. Lajl, He's the flower of a man in the pulpit. Why, t'other day, you mutt know, taking a turn in his garden, and thinking of nothing at all, down falls the doctor flat in a fit of perplexity ; Madam Tyth'em, believing her hufband was dead, directly fent the fexton for I. Devil. An affectionate wife ! Lajl. Yes; they are a main happy couple. Sure as a gun, matter, when I corned, his face was as black as his caffock : But, howfomdever, I took out my launcelot, and forthwith opened a large artifice here in one of the juglers : The $octor bled like a pig. Devil. \ dare fay. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 35 La/I. But it did the bufinefs, howfomdcver ; I compafTcd the job. Devil. What, he recovered? Loft. Recovered ? Lord help you ! why, but laft Sunday was fe'nnight to be lure, the dodor is given to weeze a little becaufe why, he k main opulent, and apt to be tilicky but he compofed as fvveet a difcourfe I flept from be- ginning to end. Devil. That was compofing, indeed. 'Loft. Ay, warn 't it, mafter, for a man that is ftrucken in years? Devil. Oh, a wonderful effort I La/I. Well, like your worfhip, and, betides all this I have been telling you, I have a pretty tight hand at a tooth. Devil. Indeed! Loft. Ay, and I'll fay a bold word, that, in drawing a thoufand, I. never ftumpt a man in my life: Now, let your Rafperini's, and all your foreign mounfeers, with their fine dainty freeches, fay the like if they can. Devil. I defy them. La/I. So you may. Then, about a dozen years ago, before thefe here Suttons made fuch a noife, I had fome thoughts of occupying for the fmall-pox. Devil. Ay; that would have wound up your bottom at once. And, why did not you? La/1. Why, I don't know, mafter; the neigh- bours were frightful, and would not confent ; otherwife, by this time, 'tis my belief, men, wo- men, and children, 1 might have occupied twenty thoufand at lead. Devil. Upon my word ! But, you fay a dozen years, mafter Laft: As you have practiced phylic C 2 without 36 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. without permiflion fo long, what makes you now think of getting a licence ? Loft. Why, it is all along with one Lotion, a pottercarrier, that lives in a little town hard by we; he is grown old and lafcivious, I think, and threatens to prefent me at fize, if fo be I pradtize any longer. Devil. What, I fuppofe you run away with the bufinefs ? Loft. Right, matter, you have guefTed the matter at once. So I was telling my tale to Sawney M'Gregor, who comes now and then to our town with his pack ; God, he advifed me to get made a doctor at once, and fend for a diplummy from Scotland. Devil Why, that was the right road, matter Latt. La/l. True. But my matter Tyth'em tells me, that I can get it done for pretty near the fame price here in London : fo, I had rather, d'ye fee, lay out my money at home, than tranfport it to foreign parts, as we fay j becaufe why, matter, I thinks there has too much already gone that road. Devil. Spoke like an Englimman ! LaJI. I have a pair of ihoes here, to carry home to farmer Fallow's fon, that lives with matter Grogram the mercer, hard by here in Cheapfide; fo I thought I might as well do both bufineffes under one. Devil True. Your way, matter Laft, lies be- fore you ; the fecond ttreet, you mutt turn to the left ; then enter the firft great gates that you fee. Laft. And who muft I aks for ? Devil. Oh, pull out your purfe ; you will find that hint furhcient : It is a part of the world where a fee is never refufed. lajl, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 37 Loft. Thank you, mafter! You are main kind; very civil indeed ! [Going , returns.] I wim, mailer, you had now either the agar or jaundarfe ; I would fet you right in a trice. Devil. Thank you, mafter Laft ; but I am as well as I am. Laft. Or, if fo be you likes to open a vein, or would have a tooth or two knocked out of your head, I'll do it for nothing. Devil. Not at prefent, I thank you ! when I want, I'll call at your houfe in the country. [*// Laft. Well, my young couple, and what fay you now ? Jnv. Say, Sir ? that I am more afraid of being fick than ever 1 was in my life. Devil. Pho! you know nothing as yet. But, my time draws nigh for poffefling the Prefident : If I could but get but fome intelligent perfon, to conduct you to the place where the Licentiates aflemble There feems a fober, fedate-looking lad ; perhaps he may anfvver our purpofe. Hark'e, young man! Enter Johnny Macpherfon. Macp. What's your wul, Sir? would you fpear aught wi me? Dtvil. Though I think I can give a good guefs, pray from what part of the world may you come ? Macp. My name is Johnny Macpherfon, and I came out of the North. Devil. Are you in bufinefs at prefent? Macp. I conna fay that, Sir, nor that I am in- teerely daftitute neither; but I fal be unco glad to get a mair folid eftaablimment. Devil. Have you been long in this town? C 3 38 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Macp. Aboot a month awa, Sir: I founded fra Leith, in the gude fhip the Traquair, Davy Donaldfon maifter, and am lodged wi Sawney Sinclair, at the fign o* the Ceety of Glafcow, not far fra the Monument. Devil. But you are in employment? Macp Ay, for fome paart of the day. Devil. And to what may your profits amount? Macp. Ah! for the mater of that, it is a praty frsart little income. Devil. Is it a fecret how much ? Macp. Not at aw : I get three-pence an hour for laming Latin to a phyfician in the ceety. Devil. The very man that we want. Latin ! and, what, are you capable ? Macp. Cappable! Hut awa, mon! Ken ye, that 1 was heed of the humanity-clafs for mair than a twalvemonth ? and was offered the chair of the gramatical profefformip in the College, which amunts to a mater of fux pounds Britiih a-year. Devil. That's more than I knew. Can you guefs, Sir, where your fcholar is now? Macp. It is n a long, Sir, that I laft him con- ning his As in prEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Sligo. I am much obligated to you for your kind compliment, dodor. But, pray, what may your name be? Ofaf. Dr. Ofafafras, at your humble fervice. Sligo. I am your very obadient alilio ! I have hard tell of your name. But what did you mane by my countryman ? Pray, doctor, of what nation are you ? Ofaf. Sir, I have the honour to be a native of Ireland. SKgo. Ofafafras ? that's a name of no note ; he is not a Milefian, I am fure. The family, I fuppofe, came over t'other day with Strongbow, not above feven or eight hundred years ago ; or perhaps a defcendant from one of Oliver's drummers. Ton my confcience, dodor, I ihould hardly belave you were Irifh. Ofaf. What, Sir, d'ye doubt my veracity ? Sligo. Not at all, my dear dodor; it is not for that: Bur, between me and yourfelf, you have lived a long time in this town. Ofaf. Like enough. Sligo. Ay ; and was here a great while before ever I faw it. Ofaf. What of that? Sligo. Very well, my dear dodor: Then, putting that and t'other together, my notion of the upfhot is, that if fo be you are a native of Ireland, upon my confcience, you muft have been born there very young. Ofaf. Young? ay, to be furc: Why, my foul, IjWas chriftened there. Sligo. Ay! Ofaf. Ay, was I, in the county of Meath. Sligo. Oh, that alters the property ; that makes it as clear as Fleet-Ditch. I Ihould be glad, countryman, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 41 countryman, of your nearer acquaintance But what little fli'm doctor is that, in his own head of hair? I don't recollect to have feen his features before. Ofaf. Nor I, to my knowledge. Sligo Perhaps he may be able to tell me, if I aks him himfelf. I am proud to fee you, do^flor, on this occoafion ; becaafe why, it becomes every jontleman that is of the faculty that is, that is not of their faculty ; you underftand me to look about him and ftir. Macp. Oh, by my troth, you are right, Sir; The leemiting of phyfic aw to ain hoofe, caw it a College, or by what denomination you wul, it is at belt but eltaablifhing a fort of monopoly. SKgo. Ton my confcience, that is a fine obfer- vation. By the twilt of your tongue, doctor, (no offence) I mould be apt to guefs that you might be a foreigner born? Macp. Sir! Sllgo. From Ruflla, perhaps, or Mufcovy ? Macp. Hut awa, mon! not at aw: Zounds, I am a Breeton. SKgo. Then, I fhould fuppofe, doctor, pretty far to the northward. Macp. Ay ; your are right, Sir. SKgo. And pray, doctor, what particular branch of our bufinefs may have taken up the moft of your time ? Macp. Botany. Sllgo. Botany ! in what college ? Macp. The univerfity of St. Andrews. Ofaf. Pray, doctor, is not botany a very dry fort of a ftudy ? SKgo. Mod damrfebly fo in thofe parts, my dear doctor; for all the knowledge they have they 42 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. they muft get from dried herbs, becaafe the devil of any green that will grow there. Macp. Sir, your information is wrong. Sligo. Come, my dear doctor, hold your palaver, and don't be after puffing on us, be- caafe why, you know in your confcience that in your part of the world you get no cabbage but thirties ; and thofe you are obliged to raife upon hot-beds. Macp. Thirties ! zounds, Sir, d'ye mean to affront me? Stigo. That, doctor, is as you plaafes to taake it. Macp. God's life, Sir, I would ha' you to ken, that there is narra a mon wi his heed upon his fhoulders that dare Flng. Peace, peace, gentlemen ! let us have no civil difcord. Doctor Sligo is a lover of pleafantry; but, I am fure, had no defign to affront you: A joke, nothing elfe. Macp. A joke! ah; I like a joke weel enough ; but I did na underftond the doctor's gibing and geering : Perhaps my wut may not be aw together as fharp as the doctor's, but I have a fword, Sir . A fword, Sir ! . A fword! ay, ay; there is no doubt but you have both very good ones ; but referve them for Oh ! here comes our ambaflador. Enter .Diachylon. Well, Dr. Diachylon, what news from the Col- lege ? will they allow us free ingrefs and egrefs ? Diac. I could not get them to fwallow a fingle demand. All. No? TH-K DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 43 Then let us drive there, and drench them. Dlac. I was heard with difdain, and refufed with an air of defiance. Siigo. There, gentlemen ! I foretold you what would happen at firft. All. He did, he did. Sligo. Then we have nothing for it, bur to force our paflage at once. All. By all means ; let us march ! Broad. Friend Fingerfee, would our brethren but incline their ears to me for a minute Fing. Gentlemen, Dr. Broadbrim delires to be heard. All. Hear him, hear him ! Sligo. Paw, honey, what fignifies hearing? I long to be doing, my jewel! Fing. But hear Dr. Melchifedech Broadbrim, however. All. Ay, ay j hear Dr. Broadbrim ! Broad. Fellow- labourers in the fame vineyard! ye know well how much I ftand inclined to our caufe ; forafmuch as not one of my brethren can be more zealous than I All True, true. Broad. But ye wot alfo, that I hold it not meet or wholfome to ufe a carnal weapon, even for the defence of my felf; much more unfcemly then muft I deem it to draw the fword for the offending of others. Sligo. Paw ! brother doctors, don't let him bother us, with his yea and nay nonfenfe ! Broad. Friend Sligo, do not be cholerick ; and know, that I am as free to draw my purfe in this caufc, as thou art thy fword : And thou wilt 44 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. wilt find, at the length, notwithftanding thy fwaggering, that the firft will do us beft fervice. Sligo. Well, but All. Hear him, hear him ! Broad. It is my notion, then, brethren, that we do forthwith fend for a linful man in the flefh, called an attorney. Sligo. An attorney ! Broad. Ay, an attorney ; and that we do direct him to take out a parchment inftrument, with a feal fixed thereto. Sligo. Paw, pox ! what good can that do ? Broad. Don't be too hafty, friend Sligo. And therewith, I fay, let him poffefs the out- ward tabernacle of the vain man, who de- lighteth to call himfelf Prefident, and carry him before the men cloathed in lamblkin, who at Weftminfter are now fitting in judgment. Sligo. Paw ! a law-fuit ! that won't end with i our lives. Let us march! All. Ay, ay. Sligo. Come, Dr. Habakkuk, will you march in the front or the rear ? Hab. Pardon me, doctor! I cannot attend you. Sligo. What, d'ye draw back, when it comes to the pufh ? Hab. Not at all ; I would gladly join in putting thefe Philiftines to flight ! for I abhor them worfe than hogsf puddings, in which the unclean beaft and me blood are all jumbled together. Sligo. Pretty food, for all that. Hab. But this is Saturday; and I dare not draw my fword on the Sabbath. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 45 Sligo. Then ftay with your brother Melchi- fedech ; for, though of different religions, you are both of a kidney. Come, dodtors ; out with your fwords! Huzza! and now for the Lane! Huzza! [Exeunt. Manent Broadbrim and Habakkuk. Brtad. Friend Habakkuk, thou feed how headftrong and wilful thefe men are : but let us ufe difcretion, however. Wilt thou ftep to the Inn that taketh its name from the city of Lincoln ? enquire there for a man* with a red rag at his back, a fmall black cap on his pate, and a bufhel of hair on his breaft ? I think they call him a ferjeant. Hab. They do. Broad. Then, without let or delay, bring him hither, I pray thee. Hab. I will about it this inftant. Bread. His admonition, perhaps, may pre- vail. Ufe difpatch, I befeech thee, friend Ha- bakkuk. Hab. As much as if I was porting to the Trea- fury, to obtain a large fubfcription in a new loan, or a lottery. Broad. Nay, then, friend, I have no reafon to fear thee. [Exeunt THE COLLEGE. Devil (as Hellebore^ the Prefedent) Camphire, Calomel Secretary, and Pupils, difcavered. Sec. The Licentiates, Sir, will foon be at hand. HeL Let them ! Cal. We will do our duty, however; and, like the patricians of old, receive with filence thefe Vifigoths in the fenatc. Hel. 46 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Hel. I am nor. Dr. Calomel, of fo pacific a turn: Let us keep the evil out of doors, if we can ; if not, vim vi> repel force by force. Barricade the gates ! Sec. It is done. Hel. Are the buckets and fire-engine fetched from St. Dunftan's ? Sec. They have been here, Sir, this half-hour. Hel. Let twelve apothecaries be placed at the pump, and their apprentices fupply 'em with water! Sec. Yes, Sir. Hel. But let the engine be play'd by old Jollup, from James-ftreet ! Not one of the trade has a better hand at directing a pipe. Sec. Mighty well, Sir. Hel. In the time of fiege, every citizen ought in duty to ferve. Having thus, brothers, pro- vided a proper defence, let us coolly proceed to our bufmefs. Is there any body here, to demand a licence to-day ? Sec. A practitioner, Mr. Prefident, out of the country. Hel. Are the cuftomary fees all difcharged ? Sec. All, Sir. Hel. Then let our cenfors, Dr. Chriftopher Camphire, and Dr. Cornelius Calomel, intro- duce the petitioner for examination. [Exeunt Camphire and Calomel. After this duty is difpatch'd, we will then read the College and Students a ledlure. Enter Camphire and Calomel, with Lajl. Lajl. Firft, let me lay down my (hoes. [They advance^ -with three bows, to the table. ikt. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 47 Hel. Let the candidate be placed on a flool. What's the doctor's name? Sec. Emanuel Laft, Mr. Prefident. Hel. Dr. Laft, you have petitioned the Col- lege, to obtain a licence for the practice of phyfic ; and though we have no doubt of your great ikill and abilities, yet our duty compels us previoufly to afk a few queftions: What aca- demy had the honour to form you ? La/}. Anan! Hel. We want to know the name of the place, where you have ftudied the fcience of phyfic. La/}. Dunftable. Hel. That's fome German univerfity; fo he can never belong to the College. All. Never; oh, no Hel. Now, Sir, with regard to your phyfio- logical knowledge. By what means, Dr. Laft, do you difcover that a man is not well? Laft. By his complaint that he is ill. Hel. Well replied ! no furer prognoftic. All. None furer. Hel. Then, .as to recovering a fubject that is ill Can you venture to undertake the cure of an ague ? Laj}. With arra a man in the country. Het By what means? Laft. By a charm. Hel. And pray of what materials may that charm be compofed ? Lajl. I won't tell ; 'tis a fecret. Hel. Well replied! the College has no right to pry into fecrets. All. Oh, no j by no means. Hal. But now, Dr. Laft, to proceed in due form ; are you qualified to adminifter remedies to fuch difeafes a^ belong to the head ? 48 THE DEVfL UPON TWO STICKS. Loft. I believe I may. Hel. Name fome to the College. Laft. The tooth-ache. Hel. What do you hold the beft method to treat it? Lajl. I pulls 'em up by the roots. Hel. Well replied, brothers ! that, without doubt, is a radical cure. All. Without doubt. Hel. Thus far as to the head: Proceed we next to the middle! When, Dr. Laft, you are called in to a patient with a pain in his bowels, what then is your method of practice ? Loft. I claps a trencher hot to the part. Hel. Embrocation ; very well ! Bur if this application ihould fail, what is the next ftep that you take? / Loft* I gi's a vomit and a purge. Hel. Well replied ! for it is plain there is a difagreeable gueft in thehoufe; he has opened both doors ; if he will go out at neither, it is none of his fault. All. Oh, no; by no means. Hel. We have now difpatched the middle and head: Come we finally to the other extremity, the feet! Are you equally fkilful in the difor- ders incidental to them? Laft. I believe I may. Hel. Name fome. Laft. I have a great vogue all our way for curing of corns. Hel. What are the means that you ufe ? Lajl. I cuts them out. Htl. Well replied! extirpation: No better method of curing can be. Well, brethren, I think we may now, after this ftridt and impar- tial THE DKVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 49 tial enquiry, fafcly certify, that Dr. Laft, from top to toe, is an able phyfician. All. Very able, very able, indeed. Hel. And every way qualified to proceed in his practice. All. Every way qualified. Hel. You may defcend, Dr. Laft. [Laft takes his feat among them.] Secretary, firrt read, and then give the doctor his licence. Sec. [Reads.] " To all whom thefe prefents may come greeting. Know, ye, that, after a moft ftrict and fevere inquiiition, not only into the great (kill and erudition, but the morals of Dr. Emanual Laft, We are authorized to grant unto the faid doctor full power, permiflion, and licence, to pill, bolus, lotion, potion, draught, dofe, drench, purge, bleed, blifter, clifter, cup, fcarify, fyringe, falivate, couch, flux, fweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaifter, and poultice, all per- fons, in all difeafes, of all ages, conditions, and fexes. And we do ftrictly command and enjoin all furgeons, apothecaries, with their appren- tices, all midwives, male, female, and nurfes, at all times, to be aiding and aflifting to the faid Dr. Emanuel Laft. And we do further charge uil mayors, juftices, aldermen, fheriflfs, bailiffs, headboroughs, conftables, and coroners, not to moleft or intermeddle with the faid doctor, if any party whom he mall fo pill, bolus, lotion, po- tion, draught, dofe, drench, purge, bleed, blifter,' clifter, cup, fcarify, fyringe, falivate, couch, flux, fweat, diet, dilute, tap, plaifter, and poul- tice, ftiould happen to die, but to deem that the faid party died a natural death, any thing ap- pearing to the contrary notwithstanding. Given D under 50 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. under our hands, &c. Hercules Hellebore, Cornelius Calomel, Chriftopher Camphire. LajL Then, if a patient die, they muft not fay that I kill'd him? Hel. They fay! Why, how fhould they know, when it is not one time in twenty that we know it ourfelves? Proceed we now to the lecture ! [They all rife and come far-ward to the table, ,J Bre- thren, and ftudents, I am going to open to you fome notable difcoveries that I have made, re- fpeding the fource, or primary caufe, of all dif- tempers incidental to the human machine: And thefe, brethren, I attribute to certain animalculae, or pifcatory entities, that infmuate themfelves thro' the pores into the blood, and in that fluid fport, tois, and tumble about, like mackrel or cod-fifh in the great deep: And to convince you that this is not a mere gratis dictum, an hypo- thefis only, I will give you demonftrative proof. Bring hither the microfcope! Enter a Servant with a microfcope. Doctor Laft, regard this receiver. . Take a peep. Lafl. Where? Hel. There. Thofe two yellow drops there were drawn from a fubject afflicted with the jaundice. Well, what d'ye fee? Lajt. Some little creatures like yellow flies, that are hopping and (kipping about. . Hel. Right. Thofe yellow flies give the tinge to the fkin, and undoubtedly caufe the difeafe : And, now, for the cure! I adminifter to every patient the two-and- fiftieth part of a fcruple of the ovaria or eggs of the fpider ; thefe are thrown by the deftive powers into the fecretory, there fepa rated THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. l feparated from the alimentory, and then preci- pitated into the circulatory ; where finding a pro- per nidus, or neft, they quit their torpid (late, and vivify, and, upon vivification, difcerning the flies, their natural food, they immediately fall foul of them, extirpate the race out of the blood, and reftore the patient to health. Laji. And what becomes of the fpiders ? Hel. Oh, they die, you know, for want of nutrition. Then I fend the patient down to Brighthelmftone; and a couple of dips in the fait- water wafhes the cobwebs entirely out of the blood. Now, gentlemen, with refped: to the Enter Servant. Serv. Sir, Mr. Forceps, from the Hofpital. Hel. The Hofpital ! is this a time to Enter forceps. Well, Forceps, what's your will? For. To know, Sir, what you would have done with the Hofpital patients to-day? Hel. To-day! why, what was done yefterday? For. Sir, we bled the Weft ward, and jalloped the North. Hel. Did ye? why then, bleed the North ward, and jallop the Weft ro-day. [Exit For. Now, I lay, brethren Enter Servant. Serv. The Licentiates are drawn up at the gate. Hel. Who leads 'em? D 2 Serv. 52, THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Serv. They are led on by Sligo: They de- mand inftant entrance, and threaten to frorm. HeL Dodtors Calomel and Camphire, our two aid -de camps, furvey their prefent pofture, and report it to us. Without. Huzza! HeL Bid old Jollup be ready to unmafk the engine at the word of command. Enter Camphire. HeL Now, Dr. Camphire? Camp. The fledge-hammers are come, and they prepare to batter in breach. \ HeL Let the engine be play'd off at the very firft blow ! [Exit Camp. Without. Huzza! Enter Calomel. HeL Now, doctor? CaL The firft fire has demolifhed Dr. Finger- fee's fore top. HeL That's well. [Exit CaL Enter Camphire. Now, dodlor? Camp. The fecond fire has dropped the ftiff buckles of Dr. Ofafafras. HeL Better and better! [Exit Camp. Enter Calomel. Now, doctor? CaL Both the knots of Dr. Anodyne's tye are diflblved. Hd. Befl of all ! [Exit CaL Enter THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 53 Enter Campbire. Now, doctor? Camp. As Dr. Sligo, with open mouth, drove furioufly on, he received a full ftream in his, teeth, and is retired from the field, dropping wet. HcL Then the day's our own ! [Exit Camp. Enter Calomel. Now, doctor ? Cal. All is loft! Dr. Sligo, recruited by a bumper of Drogheda, is returned with frefti vigeur. Hel. Let our force be pointed at him. [Exit Cal. Enter Camphlre. Now, doctor? Camp. The fiege flackens ; Dr. Broadbrim, with ferjeant Demur, are arrived in the camp. i&rit. Hel. What can that mean? Enter Calomel. Now, doctor? Cal. Serjeant Demur has thrown this manifefto over the gate. [Exit. Hel. [looting at the parchment.'] Ha ! " Middle- " fex to wit. John Doe and Richard Roe.'* It is a challenge to meet 'em at Weftminfter-Hall; then we have breathing- time till the term. Enter Lajl. Now, doctor? 54 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. La/I. I have forgot my fhoes. [Takes them up, and exit, Hel Oh ! Enter Camphirf. Camp. The Licentiates file off towards Fleet Street. Hel Follow all, and harrafs the rear! leave not a dry thread among them ! Huzza ! [Exeunt. Re-enter Devil ', Invoice, and Harriet. Devil. Well, my young friends, you will now be naturally led to Weftm Oh ! Inv. Blefs me, Sir, what's the matter? You change colour, and falter. Devil. The magician at Madrid has difcovered my flight, and recalls me by an irretiitible fpell : I muft leave you, my friends 1 Inv. Forbid it, Fortune ! it is now, Sir, that we molt want your aid. Devil. He muft, he will be obeyed. Here- after, perhaps, I may rejoin you again. Inv. Buc, Sir, what can we do? how live? what plan can we fix on for our future fupport ? Devil. You are in a country where your talents, with a little application, will procure you a provifion. Inv. But which way to direct them ? Devil. There are profitable profeflions, that require but little ability. Inv. Name us one. Devil. What think you of the trade with whofe badge I am at prefent inverted ? Inv. Can you fuppofe, Sir, after what I have feen Devil. THE DEVIL tfPON TWO STICKS. 55 Devil. Oh, Sir, I don't defign to engage you in any perfonal fervicej I would only recommend it to you to be the vender of fome of thofe in- fallible remedies, with which our newfpapers are conftantly crouded ? Inv. You know, Sir, I am pofleffed of no fecret. Devil. Nor they either : A few fimple waters, dignified with titles that catch, no matter how wild and abfurd, will effectually anfwer your purpofe : As, let me fee now ! Tincture of Tinder, Effence of Eggfhell, or Balfam of Broomftick. Inv. You mufl excufe ine, Sir ; I can never fubmit. Devil. I think you are rather too fqueamim. What fay you, then, to a little fpiritual quackery ? Inv. Spiritual ? Devil. Oh, Sir. there are in this town mounte- banks for the mind, as well as the body. How mould you like mounting a cart on a common, and becoming a Methodift Preacher? Inv. Can that fcheme turn to account ? Devil. Nothing better: Believe me, the ab- folute direction of the perfons and purfes of a large congregation, however low their conditions and callings, is by no means a contemptible object. I, for my own part, can fay, what the Conqueror of Perfia faid to the Cynic; "If " I was not Alexander, I would be Diogenes:" So, if I was not the Devil, I would chufe to be a Methodirt Preacher. Inv. But then the reftraint, the forms, I mall be obliged to obferve. Devil. None at all: There is, in the whole catalogue, but one fin you need be at all Ihy of committing, D 4 Inv, 56 THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. Inv. What's that? Devil. Simony. Inv. Simony ! I don't comprehend you. Devil. Simony, Sir, is a new kind of canon, devifed by thcfe uprtart fanatics, that makes it finful not to abufe the confidence, and pioufly plunder the little property, of an indigent man, and his family. Inv. A moft noble piece of cafuiftical cookery, and exceeds even the fons of Ignatius! But this honour I mult beg to decline. Devil. What think you then of trying the fta^c ? You are a couple of good theatrical figures; but how are your talents? can you fmg? Inv. 1 can't boaft of much Ikill, Sir; but Mifs Harriet got great reputation in Spain. Har. Oh, Mr. Invoice ! My father, Sir, as we feldom vent out, eftablimed a domeftic kind of drama, and made us perform fome little mufical pieces, that were occafionally ' fent us from England. Dtvil. Come, Sir, will you give us a tafte of your -juft a fhort te ti te tor. I Sings a Jhort preludis. Inv. I muft beg to be excufed, Sir; I have not a mufical note in .my voice, that can pleafe you. Devil. No? Why then, I believe we muft trouble the lady: Come, Mifs, I'll charm a band to accompany you. [Waves hisjlick. [Harriet Jtngs,^ Devil. Exceedingly well ! You have nothing to do now, but to offer yourfelves to one of the houfes. Inv. THE DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS. 57 Inv. And which, Sir, would you recommend ? Devil. Take you choice ; for I can ferve you in neither. Inv. No? I thought, Sir, you told me juft now, that the feveral arts of the drama were under your direction. Devil. So they w ere formerly ; but now they are directed by the Genius of Infipidity: He has entered into partnerfhip with the managers of both houfes, and they have fet up a kind of circulating library, for the vending of dialogue novels. 1 dare not go near the new houfe, for the Daemon of Power, who gave me this lame- nefs, has poflefled the pates, and fown difcord among the mock monarchs there ; and what one receives, the other rejects. And as to the other houfe, the manager has great merit him lei f, with fkill to difcern, and candor to allow it in others ; but I can be of no ufe in making your bargain, for in that he would be too many for the cunningeft Devil amongll us. Inv I have heard of a new playhoufe in the Haymaiket. Devil. What, Foote's ? Oh, that's an eccentric, narrow eftablimment ; a mere fummer fly ! He !. But, however, it may do for a coup d'ejfai, and prove no bad foundation for a future engage- ment. Inv. Then we will try him, if you pleafe. Devil. By all means : And you may do it this inftant; he opens to-night, and will be glad of your aftiftance. I'll drop you down at the door ; and muft then take my leave for fome time. Allans! but don't tremble; you have nothing to fear: 58 THE DEVIL UPON TVVO STICKS. fear: The public will treat you with kindnefs; at leaft, if they fhew but half the indulgence to you, that they have upon all occafions fhewn to that Manager. [Exeuut omnes. FINIS. 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UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. OCT16 Form L9-40m-7,'56(C790s4)444 ITNIV " avu.1^ ' Foote - 3h6l Devil upon two F6d sticks 179U PR 3U61 F6d 1791