MERWANO SMITH* 
 
 BOO. 
 M
 

 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE
 
 MY WIFE'S 
 HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 RAND McNALLY & COMPANY 
 
 CHICAGO NEW YORK
 
 Copyright, IQJ3> 
 By RAND, MCNALLY & COMPANY
 
 URL 
 SRLF 
 
 4o 
 
 FOREWORD 
 
 It may be asked why I have voluntarily laid bare the 
 story of my married life, and what possible good such 
 a narrative could do. 
 
 I began it partly to obtain relief from the strain of 
 intolerable regret, and partly because I thought that 
 the mere setting down of the facts might help me to a 
 better understanding of my own shortcomings, of my 
 almost complete failure to grasp or appreciate the nature 
 of the woman I married. 
 
 Also it has occurred to me that this plain, unadorned 
 narration might possibly be of use to other men, who 
 may be tempted as I was. 
 
 During the writing of these chapters I have endeav- 
 ored to keep myself well in hand, to abstain from too 
 much morbid retrospection, or surrender to the natural 
 feelings of remorse and sorrow inseparable from my 
 experience. And when all is done, there remains the 
 inexorable fact of my failure in the most sacred and exact- 
 ing relation of life. 
 
 Uppermost in my mind as I lay down my pen are 
 these words of Browning: 
 
 "What she felt the while, must I think? 
 
 Love 's so different with us men. 
 Dying for my sake, white and pink 
 Can't we touch these bubbles then, 
 But they break?"
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 I first met Hester at a ball given by the Lacys at 
 the Shire Hall in Helston to celebrate the coming- 
 out of their second daughter Caroline. 
 
 Ned Lacy, the eldest son, was my greatest chum 
 in Helston, while the elder sister Maud had been a 
 sort of sweetheart of mine since we were boy and 
 girl together. 
 
 Ned's father was the leading draper in Helston, 
 while I was the only son of the manager of the Hel- 
 ston branch of the Town and Counties Bank. 
 
 In those days Helston, though only eighteen miles 
 from London, was a remote and rather exclusive 
 country town. 
 
 Now it has been absorbed by Greater London and 
 has changed its name. 
 
 For obvious reasons I will hide the place under an 
 assumed name, for my story concerns real people, 
 many of whom are still alive. 
 
 You can now reach Helston by tram from the 
 Northern Heights, and it has become a favorite 
 residential suburb, without altogether losing its 
 old-world charm. 
 
 In my day it was a small quiet backwater much
 
 io MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 behind the times, though it cherished a very high 
 opinion of itself both politically and socially. 
 
 The Lacys, I may explain here, though very 
 well off, were not received in the inner circle of 
 Helston society, which was largely professional and 
 military. My family was kept on the outside also, 
 owing to my father's complete neglect of all social 
 amenities. 
 
 He was a very well-educated, gentlemanly man, 
 and I have been told that he changed a good deal 
 after my mother's death, which took place when 
 she was thirty-one, leaving him with two young 
 children, my sister Jane and myself. He never 
 married again. I believe that he never fully recov- 
 ered from the shock of her death, which caused an 
 alteration in all his habits. 
 
 He lost interest in much that formerly interested 
 him, and developed that odd idiosyncrasy sometimes 
 noticeable in certain men of parts, a predilection 
 for the society of those socially and intellectually 
 his inferiors. 
 
 Persisted in, this curious trait invariably ends in 
 deterioration, since it is impossible for any one who 
 makes a habit of stooping to preserve both breadth 
 and dignity of outlook. 
 
 He was an excellent bank manager, popular with 
 his clients, and the branch flourished during all the 
 years he was at its head. 
 
 At his wife's death he invited a distant connection 
 of hers to come and look after the house. We 
 called her Aunt Sophia, though she was only our
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE n 
 
 mother's cousin; she died when Jane was seven- 
 teen, after which my sister became the domestic 
 head of the house. 
 
 Perhaps it was this early responsibility which 
 imparted to my sister that singular gravity which 
 seemed to invest her at times like an impenetrable 
 veil. Jane and I were quite good friends, but not 
 intimate. She did not care for my circle of friends, 
 and had very few of her own. 
 
 Looking back, I fully realize now the loneliness 
 of her younger life, and the power solitude must 
 have had in the development of her character and 
 gifts, undreamed of by those who lived with her. 
 
 The Lacys, at that time, lived in a delightful, 
 roomy, old-fashioned house above their place of 
 business. They were a numerous and happy 
 family, enjoying life to the full. They were a jolly, 
 if rather a vulgar crew ; there was no stint, of good 
 food and homely license in their house, which was 
 very acceptable to a lad who found his own home 
 deadly dull. 
 
 My father did not trouble himself about my future. 
 When I left Helston Grammar School he simply 
 made a place for me in the bank, where it was popu- 
 larly supposed that I should one day succeed him. 
 
 My outlook and surroundings being so much cir- 
 cumscribed, it was a great thing for me to get out 
 into the wider atmosphere of the Lacy household. 
 Ned was a handsome, dashing fellow, much in request 
 socially, and his father did not stint him in the matter 
 of money.
 
 12 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 He was rather a fast youth in his early twenties, 
 but pulled up at twenty-five and became engaged 
 to the daughter of a retired captain in the army, 
 which gave the Lacys a big social lift. 
 
 Her people were not keen on the match, but were 
 reconciled to it by the handsome settlements old 
 Lacy agreed to make on the young couple. She 
 was a fine-looking girl, a year older than Ned, and 
 had a great deal of power over him. It may be 
 said here that Ned Lacy's marriage was the making 
 of him in every way. 
 
 After his engagement was announced, Mrs. Lacy 
 persuaded her husband to build her a new double- 
 fronted house on the Hill, which was the name of the 
 most select Helston suburb, and the ball at the Shire 
 Hall, though given ostensibly for Carrie, was of the 
 nature of a house warming. 
 
 We were all asked, but my father, as usual, 
 declined. He disliked the Lacys intensely, and 
 often chipped me about my intimacy with them. 
 He thought them common and not good enough 
 for me to associate with. 
 
 I might have retorted with perfect truth that as 
 he had never taken the smallest trouble to create a 
 social atmosphere for us, we were entitled to seek 
 our own. But we seldom wrangled. It was only 
 at a very rare time that the narrowness of my home 
 life irritated me. It was in reality much harder 
 for Jane, for she did not make friends easily, and 
 a girl is hampered as no man ever can be. 
 
 Jane also disliked the Lacys, all except Carrie, who
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 13 
 
 was rather young to be a companion for her. The 
 two younger children, Flo and Bertha, commonly 
 called "the Babe," had, in pursuance of their 
 mother's soaring ambitions, been sent to a boarding 
 school in Brussels. They were permitted to come 
 over for the week-end in charge of a governess for 
 the purpose of attending Carrie's coming-out ball, 
 an occurrence which was destined to alter the whole 
 current of my life. 
 
 I have already hinted that there had been some 
 romantic passages between me and Maud Lacy, 
 who was a handsome, showy girl, invariably attract- 
 ing the attention of men wherever she went. 
 
 She had told me, however, that nothing on earth 
 would induce her to marry a poor man, and that a 
 bank manager did not come into her scheme of 
 things at all. This was speech plain enough to 
 absolve me from any feeling of responsibility, and 
 we flirted outrageously, and continued to be the best 
 of friends, while everybody else was extremely 
 anxious to convert us into something nearer. 
 
 Mrs. Lacy was an excellent and devoted mother, 
 but Ned and Maud were her favorites. While she 
 could not be actively unkind or neglectful of any- 
 body, she certainly showed these two exceptional 
 indulgence. Her treatment of the younger members 
 of her family often reminded me of old Emile 
 Leblanc, our French master at the Grammar School, 
 who, on being congratulated on the arrival of his 
 third child after a lapse of several years, observed, 
 with an expressive shrug:
 
 i 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Ah oui, elle est charmante, mais elle n'est pas 
 necessaire!" 
 
 The Shire Hall was admirably adapted for dance- 
 giving, and presented a pretty spectacle on that 
 eventful night. Mrs. Lacy had spared no expense. 
 The stairs were richly carpeted, and banked all the 
 way up with flowering plants. She received her 
 guests at the entrance to the Council Chamber and 
 bestowed her heartiest greeting on us when we 
 arrived. 
 
 "So good of you to come, Jane, when we all know 
 you don't care for this sort of thing. Well, how do 
 you think it looks, Gilbert? I expected you a 
 quarter of an hour before nine, instead of twenty 
 minutes after. Ned is not a bit of good. I shall 
 expect you to keep an eye on everything." 
 
 These few words will serve to indicate the position 
 I occupied in the Lacy household, where I was 
 treated precisely as a son. I had assisted in all 
 the preparations, had engaged the band in London 
 from the same huge emporium which was providing 
 the supper, which was to be the talk of Helston 
 presently. Mrs. Lacy intended to shine as a hostess, 
 but it was a hopeless effort so far as social recogni- 
 tion was concerned. In Helston one might spend 
 a whole fortune, and still be barred entrance to even 
 one of the small, flat Georgian houses on North 
 Plain where the elect lived. 
 
 I knew a great many people, and was kept busy 
 for several minutes greeting them. Dancing had 
 already begun, and the ballroom presented a very
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 15 
 
 pretty and animated scene. It was a very ordinary 
 Helston crowd, though there were a few men outside 
 of the Lacy circle who possessed the magic key to 
 the inner shrine of Helston society. But all their 
 feminine relations were conspicuous by their absence, 
 though Mrs. Lacy had not hesitated to invite several 
 whom she only knew as customers at the shop. 
 Among these young men was Hubert Parfitt, only 
 son and heir of the Parfitts of Gresley Manor. 
 He seemed attracted by Maud, whose daring red 
 outline he shadowed all the evening. He was rather 
 a vacuous youth with a willowy figure, and a small 
 head perched like an ostrich's on a long neck. 
 
 He wore a monocle, which was perpetually falling 
 off, and he looked like the most exaggerated type of 
 the genus dude. 
 
 The younger Lacys openly mimicked and made 
 fun of him. 
 
 There were some few other men in Parfitt 's set 
 who had come for the fun of the thing, and to see 
 whether Mrs. Lacy would do them well. 
 
 Maud was waltzing with Parfitt, which was 
 extremely bad taste in her so early in the evening, 
 there being many girls unprovided with partners. 
 Ned was with his fiancee, of course, and there was 
 without doubt plenty for me to do. I set about 
 doing it at once. I felt no jealous thrill as I observed 
 Maud in her partner's arms, even while she threw me 
 a mocking and triumphant glance from her fine, 
 black eyes. I had perhaps seen too much of Maud 
 in her father's house, and there was nothing of that
 
 16 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 mysterious elusiveness about her which attracts a 
 man. I have often wondered why more women do 
 not probe the secret of lasting power over men. 
 It is this very quality of elusiveness and unexpect- 
 edness which Maud Lacy conspicuously lacked. If 
 it entered more largely into the scheme of matri- 
 mony, there would be fewer stale, flat, and unprofit- 
 able homes. 
 
 I remember making a remark of this kind to a 
 big, slow Scotchman named Yuill, with whom I used 
 to travel from North Finchley to the city after I had 
 established a home there, but he looked at me with 
 a derisive stare. 
 
 "I 'm for none of that devilment at my fireside, 
 Trent. A man wants to be sure of what he'll find 
 there, and know that he'll find it always." 
 
 My pulses did not so much as stir at sight of 
 Maud Lacy in Parfitt's arms. I looked away and 
 began to whip up various idle youths who wanted 
 to be partnered. There were about ninety persons 
 in the room, and the guests had nearly all arrived. 
 There would be few late-comers in the Lacy's set. 
 It is the middle classes who are punctual in most 
 of their engagements. 
 
 There were plenty of dancing men and pretty 
 girls. Carrie was slipping about doing her best to 
 make people happy, not appearing to think that, 
 as it was her coming-out party, special attention 
 should have been paid to her. 
 
 Everybody liked Carrie Lacy, though she was a 
 person you sometimes forgot about. Then, when
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 17 
 
 you saw her, you wondered why you dared to forget. 
 She had a sweet, rather piquant look on her demure 
 little face, which was enhanced by the quaint, 
 quaker-like way in which she arranged her hair, 
 rippling down over her ears. 
 
 She was the exact opposite in every respect of her 
 brilliant sister. 
 
 "There you are, Gilbert. I'm so glad you've 
 come. You'll help ever so much. I've been watch- 
 ing how splendidly you get these lazy boys to dance. 
 Now I want to introduce you to somebody, so that 
 you'll be kind to her." 
 
 "I haven't seen Flo or the Babe yet. I suppose 
 they've arrived," I said rather unwillingly. I should 
 have liked a dance with Carrie myself. 
 
 "Oh, yes, about seven. Miss Lawrence brought 
 them. She's so nice. I shouldn't mind being at 
 La Grenade myself, if I had her to teach me." 
 
 "Where is she?" I asked interestedly. 
 
 "Come and see," said Carrie, slipping her kindly 
 hand on my arm. She took me to the sitting-out 
 place, which was ideally arranged. And there, quite 
 suddenly in the shade of a big palm, with the Babe 
 squatted beside her, I saw the woman who was to 
 influence my life for all time. 
 
 How shall I describe Hester? I see her before 
 me now in so many varying forms. That night 
 she wore a black frock, something very simple, I 
 am sure, for the keynote of her personal attire was 
 always simplicity. It was cut low at the neck, 
 however, and, unrelieved by any white trimming,
 
 i8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 showed the whiteness of her skin. She had an oval 
 face and soft brown hair, neither frizzled nor tor- 
 tured, though it had a natural wave which no brush- 
 ing could smooth out. There were quantities of 
 it, which, wound in coils about her head, gave her 
 a somewhat stately look. 
 
 She was not very tall, but her figure was graceful, 
 and she had small feet and hands. I felt distinctly 
 conscious of a strange thrill as I was introduced to 
 her, and as I watched her pretty fingers playing with 
 the long chain about her neck, I longed to touch 
 them. 
 
 There was something at once sweet and wistful 
 in her expression, and yet a little remoteness which 
 drew me. When she smiled, however, her face quite 
 changed, and became illuminated, as if with a sudden 
 ray of sunshine. 
 
 "This is Gilbert Trent, Miss Lawrence. I dare 
 say Flo and Babe have told you all about him," said 
 Carrie. "He 's Ned's greatest chum, and simply 
 lives at our house, don't you, Gib? Babe, we had 
 better go and find out what mummy is doing. I am 
 sure she must be getting very tired." 
 
 I blessed Carrie for her tact ; I believe she under- 
 stood even then that I was simply dying for an 
 opportunity to talk with Miss Lawrence alone. 
 
 "It gives me uncommon pleasure to meet you, 
 Miss Lawrence," I said impressively. "I hope you 
 will give me some dances yet. May I see your 
 program?" 
 
 "I don't think I wish to dance," she answered,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 19 
 
 with her quiet, bright smile. "It is so much more 
 interesting to watch the people. This is my first 
 introduction to English society, and I think it was 
 very kind of Mrs. Lacy to permit me to come here 
 to-night." 
 
 Her voice was so friendly that I felt encouraged to 
 ask her to sit out with me. I noticed again the 
 beauty of her hands, as they still played with the 
 little cross attached to her chain. 
 
 They were exquisitely molded characteristic, 
 sensitive hands, only possessed by persons of refined 
 and lofty nature. 
 
 There was something so attractive and restful 
 about her, that I felt more and more drawn toward 
 her. There was nothing restful about the Lacys. 
 
 "Do you mean that you have never been in 
 England before? But you are English?" I began. 
 
 "Oh, yes! But I was born in India, and my only 
 experience of England has been in passing through 
 London to the Continent. I was at school at La 
 Grenade when my father died; and I stopped on 
 through the kindness of the dear principals. I am 
 earning my living there now." 
 
 "I am very sorry for you," I said quickly. 
 
 "Oh, why? I am very happy. I have congenial 
 work, and a kind home with two of the finest gentle- 
 women in the world. There are very few conti- 
 nental schools to compare with La Grenade," she 
 said warmly. 
 
 "Mrs. Lacy will be pleased to hear that, I am sure. 
 She has been anxious about Flo and the Babe."
 
 20 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "They are dear children, and I am very glad to 
 have the opportunity of seeing their home. It helps 
 me to understand them better." 
 
 At that moment Flo, then in the acute flapper 
 stage, her large feet showing aggressively under her 
 skimpy ball frock, and her big hair bow of blue 
 ribbon flapping wildly, came flying up to us. 
 
 "Mum wants you, Gib; she's simply aching to tell 
 you what she thinks of you for deserting her. You 
 must positively run, or she won't forgive you." 
 
 I apologized to Miss Lawrence as I rose to obey 
 my hostess's behest. As I walked away I heard the 
 flapper make a bold, unwarranted, and wholly 
 unnecessary statement regarding me. 
 
 "Isn't he nice? An old flame of Maud's; but 
 they've quarrelled or something. Anyway, it's off, 
 but he's a rattling good sort."
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 Mrs. Lacy had left her stand at the head of the 
 staircase, and was keeping a general's eye on the 
 proceedings. 
 
 When I found her she received me with a half- 
 smile and a reproving shake of the head. 
 
 "I hope you don't mind my sending for you, 
 Gilbert. I simply can't afford to waste one of my 
 best dancing men on a governess. Go at once and 
 ask Miss Briggs for the lancers." 
 
 Miss Briggs was the plain and rather shrewish 
 daughter of the Mayor, who was the fish and poultry 
 dealer in the town. He was the first teetotal Mayor 
 Helston had ever had, and had only accepted the 
 office, then going begging, on the understanding that 
 he should not be expected to provide cake and wine 
 banquets, or any other kind of entertainment cost- 
 ing money and necessitating the presence of strong 
 drink. 
 
 For these obvious reasons Briggs was unpopular 
 as a Mayor, and they were already pressing Mr. Lacy 
 to reconsider all his former refusals, and allow 
 himself to be nominated for the following year. 
 He was considering it. The reason he had refused 
 before was that he was a shy man in public, and 
 
 21
 
 22 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 dreaded the inevitable speechifying. This was ex- 
 traordinary in a man who, in private life, was some- 
 thing of a bore, but it is not so unusual as one 
 might think. 
 
 I looked a little blank at Mrs. Lacy's suggestion, 
 for Clara Briggs was no favorite of mine. Her 
 tongue was both sharp and spiteful, and she had a 
 way of making even a decent kind of chap feel like 
 a worm. I was not particularly vain, but I liked to 
 feel comfortable and satisfied with myself. I knew 
 that I was passably good-looking, and that I had 
 a certain modest position. Clara Briggs made me 
 feel that I was not even passable. 
 
 She was a small, scraggy young woman, with a 
 thin neck and a shrill voice. She dressed in the 
 worst possible taste. That night she wore a heavenly 
 shade of blue that matched the eyes of a child, a 
 shade such as very few women, and these only 
 specially fair and delicately colored, could afford to 
 choose. There was a quantity of coarse, string- 
 colored lace about the bodice, I remember, and 
 enveloping her skinny arms, which did not in the 
 least help to tone it down. She looked simply 
 appalling. 
 
 "All right, madam," I answered ruefully to my 
 hostess, with a sort of mock humility mingled with 
 affection. "I'll do my duty at whatever cost." 
 
 "That's a good boy; you see, I treat you like my 
 own son," she said, with an answering affection in 
 her kind eyes. "Ned is positively no use to-night, 
 and, as for Cyril, I suppose he is already in the
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 23 
 
 supper room. If you really want to escape the 
 toils, Gib, you must get engaged." 
 
 "I'm thinking about it," I answered with a smile 
 over my shoulder, as I made my way to the side of 
 Miss Briggs. She accepted me as a partner at 
 once, and began to criticize everything while we 
 waited for the dance to begin. She had hardly 
 anything kind to say, and was specially hard on 
 the extravagant frocks. She had a certain smart- 
 ness of expression, which sometimes passes for 
 cleverness. But real cleverness has depths, which 
 mellow it. Clara's had none. Presently it was 
 Hester Lawrence, dancing with young Captain 
 Mauld, who came under review. 
 
 "Who is that odd-looking person Captain Mauld 
 has got hold of? There are a lot of odd people here 
 to-night, aren't there? But she's quite a stranger. 
 Do you think Mrs. Lacy has been discriminating 
 in her invitations, Mr. Trent?" 
 
 "I don't know, but it's a jolly party," I answered 
 rather shortly, for somehow the sight of Miss Law- 
 rence dancing with Mauld, easily the handsomest 
 man in the room, disquieted me. 
 
 "Of course, Mrs. Lacy always does things well. 
 Papa wonders how they can afford it. It is a good 
 business, of course, but businesses have to be hus- 
 banded. It never does to encroach on capital." 
 
 "I haven't heard that the Lacys are encroaching 
 on capital," I said, just for the fun of the thing, and 
 to hear what she would say next. 
 
 "Well, I never gossip, but, entre nous" (one of
 
 24 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Clara's most objectionable habits was her prolific 
 use of French phrases, very often quite in the wrong 
 place) "the new house on the Hill and all this 
 flutter may be something of a blind. Nobody need 
 be surprised if things, other kinds of things, happen 
 next year." 
 
 I smiled over her head, for old Lacy banked with 
 us, and his financial state had never been sounder. 
 
 "Let's hope we shan't hear anything disagreeable, 
 Miss Briggs. Nice house, Hill Rise, isn't it? You 
 must persuade the Mayor to build you one on the 
 Hill." 
 
 "Oh, we are quite simple people, Mr. Trent. 
 We like to pay our way and keep a substantial 
 margin. Papa is a plain man, but his business 
 ideals are high." 
 
 "Quite right," I murmured fatuously. "Wish 
 there were a few more like him." 
 
 "But you're not telling me who the plain girl in 
 black with Captain Mauld is. Such bad taste to 
 have a train in a ballroom. She evidently doesn't 
 know that the latest fashion in dance frocks is to 
 have them quite clear of the ground." 
 
 "She probably knows, but couldn't afford to have 
 the newest thing. She's a governess from the school 
 where Flo and Bertha are in Brussels. But I must 
 say she manages her train rather well." 
 
 She had it over her arm, and the froth of a lace- 
 trimmed petticoat was about her dainty feet. 
 
 "Oh, I say, a governess! and just look at her 
 underskirt! Do you call that decent, Mr. Trent?"
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 25 
 
 "It's uncommonly pretty," I answered with per- 
 fect truth. "And she's a beautiful dancer." 
 
 It may be wondered that I should remember 
 such a foolish conversation after the lapse of five- 
 and-twenty years. But that night stands out like 
 a cameo in the book of remembrances. As I write 
 I am far enough away from my solitary den in 
 North Finchley, the sport of a thousand memories 
 bitter and sweet. At this moment I see the bril- 
 liantly lighted Shire Hall as vividly as if I were 
 under its decorated roof, the animated throng, 
 and, above all, the graceful figure of my Hester in 
 the dance. I feel anew the odd thrill of jealously 
 which sent a pang through me at sight of Mauld's 
 close attention to her. She was much in request 
 after that, and supper was well advanced when 
 I once more found her alone. I asked her to allow 
 me to take her to supper, though Mrs. Lacy had 
 ruthlessly commandeered me again, and directed 
 my attention to several wall-flowers. 
 
 "No, no, madam!" I laughingly replied. "1 
 have done my duty, and must now claim the reward 
 of merit." 
 
 "What's that?" she asked interestedly. 
 
 "I am going to take Miss Lawrence to supper if 
 she'll allow me." 
 
 "Oh, but Gilbert, it's totally unnecessary! I 
 assure you she won't expect it. Anybody can take 
 her. She can go with the children, or I will get a 
 hold of Bob a little later. Don't trouble about her." 
 
 Bob was her husband, and she mentioned his
 
 26 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 name to mollify me, seeing, I suppose, that I was 
 determined. 
 
 "She's having quite a good time, really in fact, 
 she's had some of the best partners. Some girls in 
 her position would have refused them, but, of course, 
 she could not be expected to know any better." 
 
 Mrs. Lacy was not in the least angry; it was only 
 her middle-class point of view. 
 
 "I '11 return to the path of duty without fail after 
 supper," I answered as I hastened away, assured that 
 if I dallied any longer I should miss my chance. 
 
 I found her where I had left her, quite alone, and 
 she was pleased to see me again. I asked her to 
 supper humbly, even beseechingly, as a man solicits 
 that which he really and fervently desires. 
 
 "I am sorry, but I have promised Captain Mauld. 
 Here he comes!" 
 
 "And when am I to have my dances?" I asked 
 hotly. "Do you know you have given them all 
 away but one?" 
 
 "Have I? But then you see I didn't know the 
 engagement was binding," she answered merrily. 
 "I'll give you the after-supper dance if Mrs. Lacy 
 doesn't mind. I expect I shall have to take the 
 children home very soon. I have enjoyed myself. I 
 had no idea a real party could be so delightful." 
 
 She looked so animated at the moment, so joy- 
 ous, and so young, that her whole appearance seemed 
 to alter and improve. It was always like that. 
 
 There seemed to be two Hesters one with the 
 quiet, immovable face and deep, inscrutable eyes, and
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 27 
 
 a radiant, child-like Hester, that sparkled and shone. 
 Ah, me! to think that I, who had the incomparable 
 chance, should not have kept the radiance forever 
 at my side ! It was left to others to touch the deli- 
 cate springs of her being, and to bring forth all that 
 was lovely and fine from the rich recesses, while I, 
 poor fool and blind . . . 
 
 "This is my privilege, I think, Trent," said 
 Mauld's voice at my elbow, and as I turned I hated 
 his handsome looks, his red coat, his well-set-up, 
 soldierly figure. I remembered having read or 
 heard somewhere that all women loved a uniform; 
 doubtless Hester would be no exception to the rule. 
 
 I went off somewhat gloomily to release some wall- 
 flowers, the more uninteresting and wilted the better, 
 as I could not have Hester. The supper half -hour 
 was rendered unbearable to me by being obliged 
 to observe Mauld's gallant care of his partner, and 
 her gay response to his endeavors to entertain her. 
 Apparently she was quite unconscious that she had 
 done anything to vex her hostess, and I am grateful 
 to this day to Mrs. Lacy that she did not suffer her 
 to guess it. 
 
 "I am impatient for my dance, and the musicians 
 are tuning up," I said, waiting for her at the door of 
 the supper room. 
 
 "I am afraid I must ask if you will sit it out or let 
 me go. I am very tired. I was up early this morn- 
 ing, before five o'clock; then there was the journey 
 and the children. It has seemed rather a long day ! " 
 
 I agreed, and, with the utmost concern, heedless of
 
 28 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 what eyes might be on me as a matter of fact, 
 a good many were now watching Hester's movements 
 and asking who she was I found her a comfortable 
 seat in the lounge. 
 
 "I shall have to be going in about five minutes. 
 Mrs. Lacy wants the children to be taken home. I 
 hear Bertha has had seven ices. I hope no disaster 
 will ensue." 
 
 "The Babe has the capacity of an ostrich, and his 
 digestion," I assured her cheerfully, any frivolity 
 serving as an excuse to detain her. "Of course, 
 you are staying at Hill Rise over the Sunday?" 
 
 "Yes, we leave at nine o'clock on Monday morn- 
 ing, I believe. The boat train starts from Victoria 
 at eleven." 
 
 I mentally resolved to see as much of her as possible 
 in the interval, but the Fates were not going to be kind. 
 
 "I should so much like to be introduced to your 
 sister," she said presently, with that little touch 
 of unexpectedness which always charmed. "Carrie 
 promised to take me to her, but apparently she has 
 forgotten." 
 
 "I'll find her if you promise not to move away, or 
 to let anybody else monopolize you. This is still 
 my dance, you know." 
 
 She smiled and nodded, and I went off with the 
 fixed determination to secure Jane as an ally. If 
 only she would be persuaded to ask her to tea, even 
 with her charges, which would certainly disarm all 
 suspicion, at our house next day, what a chance would 
 be mine!
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 29 
 
 I knew at the moment of meeting that these two 
 would be friends, but it was not till after, until all 
 the deeps were opened, that I knew how much they 
 were to one another. Jane's eyes beamed on the 
 governess from behind her eyeglasses, and her voice 
 was saying kind things immediately. She had the 
 uncommon faculty of being able to say the right 
 thing at the right moment, and, what is even more 
 uncommon, of never omitting to say it. 
 
 If all the unsaid kind things could be tabulated, 
 how they would weigh against the hidden heartache 
 of the world ! 
 
 Jane seldom criticized people, and never blamed 
 them. I know now that she had a good deal to bear 
 from two careless and quite self-centred men at the 
 Helston Bank House, but she had never once com- 
 plained. She bore all in silence. Why? Because 
 she had an inner life, a life of the soul which not one 
 in her circle suspected. I had no great powers of 
 observation, at least they were then wholly untrained, 
 but it was easy to see that these two understood 
 one another at the very moment of meeting, and 
 discovered a plane for their common interest. 
 
 I was reminded by a rueful glance at my pro- 
 gram that a partner was waiting for me now, and 
 I had to leave them. When I returned to the lounge 
 in about ten minutes' time, I found to my chagrin 
 that Hester had disappeared, taking Flo and the 
 Babe with her. I felt an unreasoning resentment 
 that such a woman should be so absolutely at Mrs. 
 Lacy's beck and call, as if she had been a child. I
 
 30 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 tried to hide it, but the rest of the evening was 
 spoiled for me. It was now considerably past 
 midnight, and, finding Jane again, I suggested that 
 we should go home. She looked surprised. 
 
 "We can hardly do that, I think, Gilbert. Mrs. 
 Lacy wouldn't like it, as she depends so much on 
 you. Go and dance. I think we must both see it 
 out." 
 
 We did, and walked home together about two 
 o'clock in the morning. It was only a hundred yards, 
 and the night was clear and fine, though rather cold. 
 
 "It was a nice party, wasn't it, Gilbert? Mrs. 
 Lacy really makes an excellent hostess. She so 
 obviously enjoys herself, and that makes things go. 
 Haven't you enjoyed it? You seem dull." 
 
 "I liked it all right, only it was a bit long-drawn- 
 out," I answered. "I was disappointed when I got 
 back to the lounge to find Miss Lawrence gone. 
 Did Mrs. Lacy come and order her off with that 
 insufferable kid ? ' ' 
 
 "Oh, dear, no!" said Jane, looking at me in mild 
 surprise. "It was Miss Lawrence's own suggestion. 
 She was most frightfully tired, and looked it. She 
 was up at some unearthly hour yesterday." 
 
 1 ' I hope you liked her, Jane ? She 's different from 
 the Helston crowd, don't you think? She struck 
 quite a new note?" 
 
 "She is quite different. Of course, she is a lady; 
 any one could see that, and her manners are perfect. 
 I asked her to come to tea with me to-morrow if 
 convenient to Mrs. Lacy. Father will be golfing
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 31 
 
 probably ; you know he does n't like new people. 
 She is to let me know in the morning." 
 
 I could have blessed her on the spot. I hid my 
 eager delight, however, and when I reached my own 
 room I turned the gas full on, and made a deliberate 
 survey of myself, took a sort of inventory as it were, 
 to discover whether I possessed anything to com- 
 mend me to a woman's favor. 
 
 I was five feet eleven inches in height, and had the 
 well-knit figure of the man who relieves sedentary 
 employment by active outdoor life in his leisure. 
 My face was regularly featured, and though the 
 fashion for clean shaving had just come into vogue, 
 my mouth and chin did not suffer thereby. I went 
 to bed satisfied, on the whole, with my looks, which 
 had hitherto not caused me much concern. I fell 
 asleep after a considerable interval, with the pleas- 
 ant prospect of seeing Hester Lawrence again on the 
 morrow. But disappointment awaited me. I got 
 down to breakfast a little late to find that Jane had 
 received a note from Hester, delivered on the way 
 to the station, where she and the children were to 
 catch the nine-thirty train for London. It was 
 Mrs. Lacy's wish that she should take them to the 
 British Museum. I hid my disappointment as 
 best I could, but all day pondered on the incon- 
 siderateness displayed by Mrs. Lacy toward her 
 guest. A man, even in the early stages of a love 
 affair, has small sense of proportion, and takes an 
 exaggerated view of everything connected with the 
 object on which he has set his august affections.
 
 32 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 He practically requires that the whole world shall 
 fall down in worship with him. 
 
 I dropped in at Hill Rise that evening about 
 nine, only to find that Hester had retired early 
 to bed. 
 
 Again I had to hide my disappointment, and spend 
 an hour discussing the ball and all its details. Its 
 undoubted success had put Mrs. Lacy in a high 
 good-humor, but she did not mention Hester's 
 name. 
 
 Maud, however, twitted me with my attention to 
 the governess, and I had some difficulty in keeping 
 a perfectly unperturbed demeanor under the fire 
 of her merciless sallies. 
 
 I was no churchgoer, but for several years had 
 accustomed myself to play golf on Sunday morn- 
 ings. I was half-minded to put in an unusual 
 appearance at All Souls' next morning, and was 
 only deterred by the fact that I had to play a four- 
 some, and there was no means of letting my partners 
 know that I was not coming. 
 
 I got back quite early in the afternoon, however, 
 and at tea-time, to my joy, found Hester Lawrence 
 in the Lacys' drawing room. 
 
 There were so many callers that it was some time 
 before I could reach her side. The Lacys always had 
 a substantial sit-down tea at five on Sunday after- 
 noons, at which they were never without guests. 
 It was really a big-hearted, hospitable house, and 
 it was a genuine joy to both Mr. and Mrs. Lacy to 
 see their table full. I can see now, however, that
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 33 
 
 the circle of their friends was really a narrow one; 
 there is nothing people are more casual and ungrate- 
 ful about than the hospitality of another man's 
 house. Mr. Lacy was talking to Hester when I 
 entered the room, and I casually wondered which of 
 his pet themes he was airing for her benefit. I 
 learned afterwards that he had been expatiating on 
 his methods of business, with special reference to 
 his quarterly sales, which had been an immense 
 success, partly, I suppose, because they were then 
 something of a novelty. I made my way to them 
 after a time, and was received by Mr. Lacy with a 
 friendly nod. 
 
 "Good day, Gilbert. Come to pay your Sunday 
 respects as usual? Met Miss Lawrence on Friday 
 night, I suppose? I fancy I saw you tripping the 
 light fantastic together. Heard that Lord Wayne- 
 flete is really going to resign at last ? We '11 have to 
 get busy in the opposition camp." 
 
 At that moment Hubert Parfitt was announced, 
 and Mr. Lacy, looking much pleased, this being the 
 first time a member of the other and more exclusive 
 set had dropped in informally at his house on 
 Sunday, hastened across the room to receive him. 
 I seized my opportunity and dropped into his chair, 
 determined that nothing short of an earthquake 
 should tear me from it. I made no attempt, I am 
 sure, to hide my joy, and I thought that Hester, 
 in her short, trim skirt of navy-blue serge, and 
 neat, well-cut white blouse, so trimly belted at the 
 waist, looked even more charming than in her 
 
 3
 
 34 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 evening finery. She was very pale, however, and 
 looked tired. 
 
 "I am afraid they are working you very hard in 
 England. I was horrified to hear that you had been 
 banished to the British Museum yesterday after 
 your late night." 
 
 "Oh, there was no banishment; it was a genuine 
 pleasure, I assure you." 
 
 "But you must have been tired after Friday; 
 indeed, you look tired now," I said with insistent 
 solicitude. 
 
 "I am not at all tired to-day. I did not get up 
 till nearly ten o'clock. Mrs. Lacy insisted on my 
 having breakfast in bed. Carrie brought it to me. 
 How kind everybody is, and how interesting Eng- 
 land is! But a great many things surprise me. 
 This Sunday calling, for instance. Somehow, I 
 had got the impression, both from my father and 
 the Miss Crosbys, that Sunday was very strictly 
 kept in England." 
 
 "We are not so bad as we were in that respect. I 
 have been on the golf links all the morning." 
 
 She looked puzzled and not quite sure. 
 
 "How strange! Don't you young men go to 
 church any more, then, for I know Ned Lacy was 
 not there to-day?" 
 
 "It has it has gone a little out," I said rather 
 awkwardly. "But I dare say it will come in again, 
 and some of us don't have much leisure week- 
 days." 
 
 "In a bank?" she said, with a little uplift of her
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 35 
 
 brows. "Why, I thought the hours were very 
 short, quite enviably so." 
 
 "We close the doors at four o'clock in Helston, 
 but our work is by no means over then. Pray dis- 
 miss from your mind the idea that we have to do 
 nothing but play ourselves. Our directors see that 
 we earn our meagre screw." 
 
 As she did not say anything, I changed the subject. 
 
 "Of course, every house is not so busy as this 
 on Sundays. Mr. and Mrs. Lacy are very hospi- 
 table people, and the children have carte blanche to 
 ask all their friends. At my home, for instance, it 
 is different. Not a soul crosses its threshold on 
 Sundays, and hardly on week-days." 
 
 "I must say I should like a quiet Sunday. But 
 haven't you any friends? Your sister must have, I 
 am sure; she is so perfectly charming." 
 
 "I am glad you found her so, for she is really 
 rather an aloof, retiring sort of person. She was very 
 sorry you could not come to tea yesterday. Now 
 there won't be a chance of your meeting again." 
 
 "I am afraid not. We go early to-morrow morn- 
 ing. Please tell her I hope I shall have the pleasure 
 of seeing her again. Perhaps you may bring her to 
 Brussels at some holiday time." 
 
 I was about to answer eagerly that I should 
 certainly take the earliest opportunity of doing that, 
 when Maud Lacy, with rather a wicked light in her 
 eyes, came up to our end of the room. 
 
 "You are wanted downstairs for tea, Gilbert. 
 Sorry there won't be room for you, Miss Lawrence.
 
 36 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Mother has sent the kids to the old schoolroom, as 
 they refuse to wait." 
 
 "I'll go to them there," said Hester, not in the 
 least put out, but smiling serenely as she walked 
 away. I suppose I must have scowled, for Maud, in 
 evident enjoyment, tapped my arm. 
 
 "Gone under to a governess, Gib, at your time of 
 life! What a falling off is here!" she said mock- 
 ingly. "I'm not sure whether I am going to forgive 
 you for your rudeness and neglect last night. Do 
 you know, you never wrote my name on your 
 program once. How 's that for auld lang syne ? ' ' 
 
 "I saw you engrossed with higher game, my dear," 
 I answered, entering into her flippant mood. ' ' You 
 had nothing but scorn for yours truly." 
 
 "Oh, that happens to suit your book just at the 
 moment. You men are adepts at slithering out of 
 tight corners. Well, are you coming to tea or not? 
 Parfitt has glued himself on to Carrie apparently for 
 the rest of the evening. These demure little cats 
 have a way of getting there, haven't they? But, 
 seriously, Gibbie, what do you see in that cold, 
 white-faced thing? She gives me the creeps with 
 her superior airs, and I'm sure she hasn't any feel- 
 ings. I' ve tried her, and I know." 
 
 I listened to this vulgar chatter with a sense of 
 growing disgust. Already I was planning an Easter 
 trip to Brussels, not, however, in company with 
 Jane, but quite alone.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 Most visitors to Brussels are acquainted with the 
 beautiful pleasure ground of Terveuren, and know 
 that it is an ideal spot for lovers. I was a happy, 
 though as yet an unacknowledged, lover on Easter 
 Sunday afternoon as I wandered its enchanted glades 
 by Hester's side. 
 
 I arranged my little jaunt, and departed from 
 England without any undue questioning on the part 
 of my home people. On more than one former occa- 
 sion I had gone abroad in company with Ned Lacy 
 and other chums, so that there was nothing unusual 
 about this special proceeding. Besides, as a family 
 we had never made a habit of explaining or even of 
 announcing our movements to one another. Three 
 isolated units, we exercised the most complete 
 freedom in all the actions of our lives. Fully aware 
 of Jane's sympathetic appreciation of Miss Law- 
 rence, I might have taken her into my confidence, 
 but a lover in the early stages of his affairs is bound 
 to be secretive. So long as his hopes are merely in 
 the air, he is afraid lest their very existence should 
 be suspected. Besides, the modesty and reticence 
 which characterize all real and deep feeling seal his lips. 
 
 It is only the things that do not matter in a man's 
 
 37
 
 38 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 life which he babbles of in the market-place. Each 
 one, even the most superficial, has his secret and 
 inviolable shrine. There was a certain element of 
 uncertainty about my journey, as I had not the 
 remotest information regarding Hester's holiday 
 movements or designs, or even any assurance that 
 I should find her at Brussels. All I knew was that 
 the Lacy children were travelling to England under 
 escort of the principals of the school. All else was 
 hidden in the book of fate. Yet I set out, my 
 heart soaring with buoyant hope. 
 
 I had thirty pounds to my account in the bank, a 
 little nest-egg I had been collecting for a projected 
 yachting trip on the Broads with a couple of 
 chums in the summer. I had been a working unit 
 for ten years, and thirty pounds represented my 
 total efforts at saving! I had never cared for 
 money for itself, but had spent it freely in all the 
 channels open for the consumption of a young 
 man's means. 
 
 Now I suddenly became interested in money from 
 an entirely different standpoint. I even got to the 
 length of wondering on what sum a man was justified 
 in marrying, and how far a few pounds would go in 
 the purchase of furniture. Our house belonged to 
 the early Victorian era, and had quantities of solid 
 heavy mahogany furniture, in which Jane took a 
 sober pride and delight. The Lacys' new abode 
 might with appropriateness have been christened 
 The White House. All the decorations were white, 
 and they had enamelled some of their mahogany
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 39 
 
 furniture to bring it up to date. It gave a certain 
 light charm to the interior, of course, but it seemed 
 to me that dignity had been sacrificed. I decided 
 that I should like a house something like my father's, 
 with perhaps the addition of the individual touch 
 a woman of taste, such as I felt Hester must be, 
 could impart to her surroundings. 
 
 I reached Brussels safely on the Thursday eve- 
 ning preceding Good Friday, but did not attempt to 
 call at La Grenade next day, partly because I was 
 feeling very seedy after a particularly bad crossing 
 to Ostend, and partly because I was not sure how 
 Hester would take a visit on the great penitential 
 festival of the church. Somehow I felt sure she was 
 religious, and I wished her to be so. A man, however 
 indifferent and irreligious he may profess himself, 
 likes to think that his own special woman, the one 
 he would enshrine in his home, has a reverent mind. 
 I should have been disappointed had I found Hester 
 flippant about sacred things, as Maud Lacy so often 
 was. Yet Maud was a regular churchgoer, and much 
 addicted to early celebrations all the year round. 
 
 I had selected my hotel, the Quatre Saisons, care- 
 fully from the advertisement columns of the A.B.C. 
 time-table, chiefly on account of the undeniable 
 French flavor of its name. I had a fair knowledge 
 of French, imparted by old Leblanc at the Grammar 
 School, and I had a mind to air it. But I found at 
 the Four Seasons merely a tribe of English-speaking 
 waiters, and the house overflowing with my own 
 countrymen and women. Happily, I did riot meet a
 
 40 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 soul I knew. I stayed in bed till lunch time next 
 day, and in the afternoon, which was mild and 
 showery, took a walk through the city, and finally 
 retired toward the Royal Palace of Laecken, having 
 ascertained that La Grenade was in close proximity 
 to it. I discovered it without difficulty, a large 
 white villa with green shutters, standing in a pleas- 
 ant garden to which well-wrought iron gates gave 
 admission. I did not linger in the vicinity, however, 
 although I fervently prayed that I might have some 
 luck next day, when I should present myself with 
 such boldness as I could summon at the green door 
 at the top of the terrace steps. 
 
 I dined that night at a small table with two 
 London clerks who suggested a game of billiards. 
 They had been disappointed by all the religious cere- 
 monial in the city, and were anxious for the new day 
 to dawn which would bring them some more excit- 
 ing form of enjoyment. They would eagerly have 
 joined forces with me on the morrow, but I told them 
 I was fully engaged, having other friends in the city. 
 
 I rose at nine on Saturday morning, to find the sun 
 gloriously shining, and all the gloom of the former 
 day dispersed. I made a very careful toilet, and took 
 quite ten minutes to decide on my necktie and socks, 
 two items to which the well-dressed man invariably 
 pays close attention. I remember I rather favored 
 a red one, but put it aside merely because Maud Lacy 
 had told me once that red was my color, and that I 
 should be known as the knight of the red tie. Some 
 subtle instinct assured me that Hester would be
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 41 
 
 unlikely to favor what Maud approved, so I chose 
 a tie of soft amethyst, the true Easter color, which, 
 when decorated by a neat single pearl, looked very 
 well. I took my gloves, my hat, and my stick, 
 and set out on my important mission, on the whole 
 pleased with my appearance. I walked all the way 
 out to Laecken, and arrived at the villa gates at a 
 quarter to eleven o'clock. I proposed to excuse 
 my early call by inviting Hester out to dejeuner 
 with me. It was a lovely spring morning, the air 
 soft and balmy, and in the Laecken woods the birds 
 were making a perfect chorus of melody. A delicate 
 mist of green seemed to tinge the tree-tops already, 
 though Easter had fallen early. But then we had 
 had a mild winter, and no frost to speak of since 
 Christmas. At La Grenade a big almond tree in 
 full bloom gave a delicious touch of color to the whole 
 scheme. My heart was beating as I pushed open 
 the gate and walked toward the terrace steps. 
 Perhaps I should find it difficult to explain or excuse 
 my visit. 
 
 If Hester were an ordinary girl, she would natur- 
 ally take but one meaning out of it. In the Lacy 
 circle, which had hitherto bounded my social horizon, 
 the talk about unmarried men and girls was very 
 frank and occasionally vulgar. To be seen talking to 
 a girl even in the street was to lay oneself open to 
 inevitable chaff. I am sure it is a bad foundation 
 for the relation of the sexes ; it creates a false feeling 
 of restraint and self-consciousness which destroys 
 both simplicity of manners and of heart. Also it
 
 42 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 is a bar to that friendship which should be the foun- 
 dation of lasting affection. 
 
 The moment I saw Hester that morning my horri- 
 ble feeling of self-consciousness immediately and 
 forever disappeared. Perhaps the circumstances of 
 the moment contributed to this happy issue. She 
 answered my knock herself, with a blue duster tied 
 about her head and a long feather brush in her hand. 
 She stared blankly for a moment at my apparition, 
 standing hat in hand, then burst out laughing. 
 
 "Mr. Trent, of course! Do come in, won't you? 
 How odd that you should come to-day! I kept on 
 dawdling, not in the least anxious to begin the work 
 I had planned out for this morning. I seemed to be 
 expecting something to happen." 
 
 "Everything is right for me now that I have 
 found you at home," I made answer, emboldened 
 by the delightful naturalness of her greeting. 
 
 She opened the door quite wide then, and bade me 
 enter, merely putting down her brush and unpinning 
 her skirt, so that it fell down to her neat ankles and 
 workman-like shoes. But she neither removed her 
 apron nor her duster headdress, nor yet seemed in 
 the least put out at being thus caught. She led me 
 into a big, gaunt schoolroom with forms piled at one 
 end, and long windows open to the garden at the 
 back. 
 
 "When did you come to Brussels, and is your 
 sister with you?" she asked as she drew a chair to 
 the long table in the centre of the room and sat 
 down, leaning her bare elbows on the boards. She
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 43 
 
 made a delicious picture, I thought, the blue duster 
 giving a certain piquancy to her charming face. 
 All my feelings on that incomparable morning rush 
 back upon me in a vivid and astonishing flood. 
 
 "I arrived yesterday, and my sister did not come 
 with me. She has plunged into a universal mael- 
 strom, and I believe at this moment may be your 
 companion in the spring-cleaning distress. But 
 may I ask whether in Brussels a charwoman's duties 
 are incorporated with those of teacher of the English 
 language?" 
 
 She laughed merrily, showing her even white 
 teeth. Her mouth was rather wide, as was her 
 bosom, two characteristics of all the best and most 
 generous-hearted women I have known. 
 
 "Oh, don't run away with the idea that you have 
 unearthed a new Cinderella! The Miss Crosbys 
 left on Saturday for England. I'm turning out their 
 sitting-room to-day. I always do it myself, and 
 love it. They would simply loathe the idea of any 
 vandal hands on their beloved possessions." 
 
 "How long will they stop away?" 
 
 "For two weeks, probably, but I am the sort of 
 person who must get ahead of things for my own 
 comfort. I happen to possess that doubtful blessing, 
 an orderly mind." 
 
 "I am sure you have and are everything that is 
 charming!" I blurted out. "But I'm going to ask 
 you to chuck the orderly mind to-day, and come out 
 with me." 
 
 She laughed again, as if in sheer delight.
 
 44 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Chuck the orderly mind but think of the chaos 
 that would ensue!" 
 
 "Never mind. Let us take the risks. Go and get 
 your hat, and come out in the sun." 
 
 "But why should I do that merely because you 
 ask me?" 
 
 "Well, I'm a fellow-countryman in distress." 
 
 "What kind of distress?" 
 
 "I'm stranded in a foreign land." 
 
 "Why foreign, when there is no escape from 
 checked trousers and the British accent?" 
 
 "Mine are not checked," I said with a downward 
 glance at the garments in question. "But I can't 
 repudiate the accent, I'm afraid." 
 
 "Where are you staying?" 
 
 "At the Hotel Four Seasons." 
 
 "Which, I'm sure, simply swarms with compa- 
 triots. The Four Seasons is properly accredited to 
 Cook." 
 
 I affected to regard myself ruefully. 
 
 "Do I look specially like a cheap tourist?" I 
 asked dismally. 
 
 "You are absolved absolutely," she echoed gaily. 
 "And why did you come quite alone to Brussels? 
 Somebody spoke of you in Helston as the man of 
 many friends. Why didn't you bring Ned Lacy 
 along?" 
 
 "He is spending Easter in Paris with his fiancee's 
 people," I answered bravely. "Besides, I didn't 
 want him." 
 
 "If you have not been in Brussels before, why not
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 45 
 
 take a guide? It would be quite worth your while." 
 
 "Mademoiselle, that is why I am here. Won't 
 you take pity on me, and come out? I have had 
 nothing to eat worth speaking about since I dined 
 last night. Take me somewhere for lunch." 
 
 She rose, and putting up her bare arms, took the 
 pins from the blue duster and shook it out. 
 
 "Yes, I'll come. It's against all rule and prece- 
 dent, but I think I want to play and not to work 
 to-day. I won't keep you waiting long. I have just 
 to give Babette and Mimi a few instructions, get 
 my hat and coat, and off we go!" She nodded 
 brightly and flitted away. No chaff, no hanging 
 back, just a frank, natural acceptance of what 
 promised to be a pleasant outing. I blessed the 
 inspiration that had brought me to Brussels. I 
 blessed it ten thousand times more before the close 
 of that incomparable day. 
 
 She had been seven years in Brussels, and no guide 
 could have been so delightfully equipped to show its 
 beauties and its treasures. 
 
 But no favored pupil ever cared less about the 
 information so generously heaped upon him than I. 
 I gazed at masterpieces of art, and thought them 
 inferior to the frank, smiling woman's face at my 
 side. I inspected jewelled treasures, and thought 
 them less to be desired than the lustre in her speak- 
 ing eyes. In fact, when evening came, I was desper- 
 ately in love. 
 
 In its essence that feeling was so different from 
 anything else I had experienced where women were
 
 46 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 concerned, something so much higher, and deeper, 
 and finer, that I make no attempt to analyze or 
 describe it. 
 
 We parted lingeringly, with the hope of meeting 
 on the morrow. 
 
 We went next morning together to the service in 
 the English church, and afterwards took the long 
 tram ride to Terveuren, where we lunched and spent 
 the afternoon in the woods. It was again an ideal 
 spring day, and we were as happy as two children. 
 She told me much about herself, her lonely orphaned 
 life, and what she called her amazing good fortune 
 in having met such kind, enduring friends as she 
 possessed in the principals of the school. I had not 
 seen them, but was prepared to love them for her 
 sake. 
 
 How purely these simple memories come back, 
 how utterly purged from self I was then, how much 
 better a man than I had been in all my five-and- 
 twenty years of life ! 
 
 I bow before these memories as a man prostrates 
 himself before a shrine. Most men have some such 
 shrine, a Holy of holies for their soul's salvation. 
 The pity is that some grossness of our nature bars 
 our entrance to it at moments when we need it most. 
 
 We planned to go to Waterloo next day, and no 
 train was good enough for the occasion. At ten 
 o'clock I arrived at La Grenade with a carriage and 
 pair to bear my beloved away. Of what use was 
 money except to buy her pleasure and my own? 
 
 We had a most enchanting day, though I retain
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 47 
 
 the haziest recollection of the respective strategic 
 positions of the combatants. 
 
 Hester, who had the field by heart, was at great 
 pains to explain it all to me again and again, while I 
 questioned her idiotically just for the pleasure of 
 hearing her go over it all once more. It was inside 
 the broken wall of Hougomont that she finally aban- 
 doned me as a hopeless case. 
 
 "You have no real thirst for information, and 
 history does not appeal to you. I am tired. Let us 
 give it all up." 
 
 We did, and henceforth talked about ourselves. 
 
 In the garden at La Grenade after dark that night 
 I tried to bid her good-bye, and to leave her. But 
 I could not. Out came blurtingly the irrevocable 
 question. 
 
 "I can't go away," I said simply, as a boy might 
 ^ have done. "You must know why." 
 
 She had no answer ready, and even seemed to turn 
 away while I blundered on. 
 
 "You must know why I came, and why I can't 
 go," I cried hotly. "I love you. Will you be my 
 wife?" 
 
 "It is very sudden, isn't it?" she asked tremu- 
 lously. "What can we know of one another?" 
 
 "All that is necessary," I answered with all a 
 lover's boldness. "Love takes no account of time 
 or distance. And we have been together for thirty- 
 six hours." 
 
 "To prepare us for a lifetime!" she answered. 
 ' ' Will you give me till to-morrow to think ? ' '
 
 48 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "But I can't," I groaned, "for I have to leave 
 at eight-fifty to-morrow morning." 
 
 "Wait another day, or let me write, or perhaps 
 you could come again at Whitsun. We should both 
 know our own minds better by then." 
 
 "I know mine for all time," I assured her fever- 
 ishly. "And six weeks is eternity." 
 
 I laid my hand on her arm, and felt it tremble at 
 my touch. And the next moment she was in my 
 arms, and I felt her heart beat on mine. 
 
 She was mine from that moment, and the little 
 fluttering sigh with which she sought to release 
 herself was hardly a protest. 
 
 She was overcome by the sweetness of the moment, 
 as I was, and we were happy beyond all power of 
 written words to express. 
 
 I did not go by the eight-fifty next day. I wired 
 to Helston saying I was unavoidably detained and 
 would travel by the night mail. We had another 
 long day at Terveuren, and we talked of all the 
 coming glory as children might have done, without 
 hesitation or fear. To me my boyhood and all that 
 was best in it had come back. The mantle of the 
 past six years, smirched with some of the grossness 
 of young manhood, slipped from me like a garment 
 for which I had no further use. I became pure and 
 clean as a little child, meet for the heaven of her 
 eyes. 
 
 The transparency of her soul was wonderful. She 
 was one of those who are literally born pure in heart. 
 And that quality never left her in all the years we
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 49 
 
 spent together; it set her apart from among all the 
 men and women of our set. I knew myself unworthy 
 of the love and trust of that heaven-born soul, but 
 longed, as every man longs in that high hour, to 
 be worthier. 
 
 We talked of the future, and I was all for a speedy 
 marriage. 
 
 ' ' Our means will be limited for a few years. But 
 I 'm going to get rich for your sake, darling. I 
 believe, without boasting, that I possess the money- 
 making quality." 
 
 "Don't cultivate it," she cried hastily. "I have 
 no fear of poverty. I have always been poor. So 
 many rich people I have known have been neither 
 happy nor useful. Let us be content to be poor." 
 
 "But my jewel must have her proper setting," I 
 said fondly, as I touched the soft velvet of her 
 cheek. She did not turn away from me. 
 
 "You liked her quite well in the plain setting. 
 The other might not fit," she said whimsically. "I 
 assure you all my tastes are simple." 
 
 ' ' I should like to see you in a great house, moving" 
 graciously, a centre of light and influence." 
 
 ' ' Oh, that would terrify me, and I should not be a 
 centre of anything. I am really a very shy and sim- 
 ple creature. Why, on Saturday when you so sur- 
 prised me I very nearly died." 
 
 "There was not a sign of it," I said unbelievingly. 
 "It was I who was trembling on the brink. Tell 
 me exactly what you felt when you saw me." 
 
 All the foolish questioning and answering, dear to
 
 50 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the hearts of lovers, were ours that day, and need not 
 be here set down. 
 
 Hester came to see me off next evening at the 
 station, and the tears rose in her kind eyes at the 
 moment of farewell. 
 
 "To think that just four days ago I was a lone 
 woman in Brussels and in the whole world, and now 
 there is you! It is the most wonderful thing that 
 has ever happened." 
 
 "It is, and most wonderful of all, it is never going 
 to end!" I answered boldly. 
 
 A little wistfulness seemed for a moment to dim 
 the glory of her face. 
 
 "Is it, never? And when will you tell Jane? I 
 am sure I want Jane to know quickly. I think it 
 will please her." 
 
 "I must have you all to myself for a few days. It 
 is all too precious even to tell Jane yet." 
 
 "I have nobody to tell until the dear Miss Crosbys 
 come back." 
 
 I felt an immediate jealousy of these inoffensive 
 women, but I dared not voice it. A man's outlook 
 differs so materially, and he finds it difficult to grasp 
 the fact that he may reign supreme in a woman's 
 heart, and that yet she may have room for other 
 affections. 
 
 This petty jealousy is at the bottom of much of 
 domestic dispeace, popularly supposed to be 
 caused by "in-laws." I, in the first stages of 
 selfish possession, could brook no rival, even the 
 most inoffensive. Hester, smiling bravely into my
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 51 
 
 face, had no comprehension of my limited outlook. 
 
 The spring breeze was tossing her soft hair, which 
 escaped under the brim of her shady hat ; there was a 
 little flush of eager happiness on her face. She had 
 been very aloof at Terveuren yesterday, but now she 
 clung to me as if afraid lest I should leave forever. 
 
 "It is all real, is n't it, Gilbert?" 
 
 "As real as I can make it, darling, till I have you 
 to myself," I answered with all the passion of my 
 soul. 
 
 "And I shan't wake up to-morrow to find I have 
 dreamed it?" 
 
 "The beastly Channel will be between us, that is 
 all." 
 
 "And I won't get a letter the day after to-morrow 
 saying it was all a misunderstanding, and that you 
 have changed your mind?" 
 
 "Good Heavens, Hester, do you think so meanly 
 of me as that?" 
 
 A little sob came in her voice as she made answer. 
 
 "I am a little afraid, because you have known me 
 such a little while, and I have heard that men do 
 not prize what they easily win. Oh, the train is 
 going! Good-bye, good-bye !" 
 
 I spent the night pacing the deck of the Channel 
 boat, pondering on the mighty thing that had be- 
 fallen me and her. 
 
 In how short a space of mind had my outlook, nay, 
 my whole being changed ! 
 
 I was lifted up to heights I had never dreamed of; 
 I was no longer a mere bank cashier, but a potential
 
 52 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 being about to wrest terrific bonuses from fate. No 
 achievement was going to be impossible for the 
 sake of her who had dropped from Heaven into my 
 life. 
 
 I saw myself in the near future scaling giddy 
 heights, becoming Bank Manager, Director, handler 
 of huge financial schemes, all that my dear mate 
 might have that to which she was entitled. 
 
 At the back of it all was the secret and holy desire 
 to be worthier of her. 
 
 I was only young, but all the lighter passages of 
 my life I would have blotted out for her sake. 
 Away the light views of womanhood, the silly cackle 
 of the sexes, the empty flirtations which desecrated 
 the shrine of love. Under the clear night skies I 
 consecrated my manhood anew and wholly to the 
 woman I had won. 
 
 Whence comes the incredible weakness which 
 renders such vows, so purely taken, so difficult to 
 keep?
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 I arrived at Helston at ten o'clock next morning, 
 and walked straight into my father's room at the 
 bank to apologize. 
 
 He regarded me keenly as I entered, his bushy 
 gray brows elevated with a slightly cynical air. 
 
 "Found the delights of a foreign capital too allur- 
 ing, boy?" he said, good-naturedly enough. "No, 
 I don't mind your having another day, only it is 
 more convenient if these little matters are arranged 
 beforehand. The precedent is bad for the other 
 boys. You look fit enough. Have you had a 
 good time?" 
 
 "I have, but not the kind of time you are think- 
 ing of," I felt obliged to answer. 
 
 He merely nodded and dismissed me. In our 
 business relations inside the bank my father never 
 showed me the smallest favor. Sometimes I thought 
 him needlessly punctilious on that score, but in 
 matters relating to his business he never made any 
 mistakes. He had the most perfectly balanced 
 business mind I have ever encountered in my life. 
 
 But just then something jarred, and I went out 
 with a distinct feeling of aversion, partly mental 
 and partly physical, toward my father. 
 
 53
 
 54 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I had been breathing a rarer, purer air, and the 
 man-of-the-world cynicism which took certain 
 things for granted in a young man's life repelled me 
 at the moment; I entered the house door which 
 opened from the bank passage, and ran upstairs 
 to deposit my portmanteau. I felt disappointed 
 to learn that Jane had already gone out on her 
 morning's shopping. As I came down, however, 
 ready to address myself to the somewhat monotonous 
 duties of my desk, I met her between the doors. 
 
 "Oh, there you are, Gilbert!" she said, with her 
 quiet, pleasant smile. "I'm glad you've come back. 
 Had a good time ?" 
 
 "The best I've ever had." 
 
 "You look tired, I think, but these night journeys 
 take it out of one. Well, I mustn't keep you now. 
 See you at lunch time." 
 
 She nodded, and we separated. I to the some- 
 what irksome routine which, however, did not alto- 
 gether forbid dreaming of pleasanter things. 
 
 I fear that I put in an indifferent morning's work. 
 
 At lunch they asked me a good many questions 
 about Brussels, and I was able to give a most satis- 
 factory account of myself. 
 
 "You seem to have walked a la guide book, 
 Gibbie," said Jane, with a gentle touch of banter. 
 "I suppose you fell in with some one who knew 
 all about the sights and the best way of getting 
 about." 
 
 "Yes, I did. I was fortunate in having the best 
 guide the city possesses."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 55 
 
 "Did you think of calling on Miss Lawrence? I 
 suppose not, as your time was so short." 
 
 The foolish color dyed my face, and I was con- 
 scious at the moment of both feeling and looking 
 ridiculous. I caught an amused and rather sur- 
 prised twinkle in my father's eye. 
 
 "Of course he's seen the lady, though I don't 
 happen to know her name, Jane," he said with a 
 chuckle. "Don't rub it in. Without doubt she's 
 the raison d'etre." 
 
 Jane came to my rescue immediately, with the 
 quick perception and real kindly feeling we never 
 failed to find in her. 
 
 "Never mind him, Gib. You know father will 
 have his little joke. The Miss Crosbys are at Hill 
 Rise. They are quite charming women, so truly 
 gentle and refined. Mr. and Mrs. Lacy are at 
 Margate, and Maud is entertaining them alone." 
 
 "Are they still there?" I inquired, with an inter- 
 est which must have appeared desperate. 
 
 "No; they left yesterday morning for the sea. I 
 believe that they were are to spend two weeks at 
 Bournemouth and one in London. They may come 
 down to Helston for the last week-end to take Florrie 
 and the Babe away." 
 
 My father never took more than a bite of bread 
 and cheese and a glass of milk for his lunch, and 
 presently he left us and retired to his den for a smoke. 
 
 Jane leaned her elbows on the table and looked 
 across at me interestedly. 
 
 "I am so pleased you made time to call on Miss
 
 56 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Lawrence. I am sure she would be glad to see you. 
 Is it a nice school, and is she really happy there?" 
 
 "She's perfectly happy. I spent every available 
 moment with her, so I had ample means of judging." 
 
 Jane looked as if she did not know whether to 
 smile or look grave. 
 
 "I suppose she was your guide, then?" 
 
 I nodded. I could see what was in her mind, that 
 she would have liked some further explanation, but 
 I could not part with my secret ; yet I tried, through 
 rather lamely, to throw a little dust in her eyes. 
 
 "Brussels was simply overrun with the worst type 
 of English tourist; my hotel was swarming with 
 them. I was glad to get out with some one who 
 knew the city by heart, and could keep me out of 
 their track. We must go there together, Jane, 
 perhaps at Whitsuntide." 
 
 "I should like that. I should enjoy it very much. 
 I shall keep you to it, Gibbie. I was asked to Hill 
 Rise to tea last Sunday, to meet the Miss Crosbys. 
 Maud was at home alone with them." 
 
 "Indeed!" 
 
 I am afraid I spoke in a lack-lustre tone. At that 
 moment I felt myself so detached from the whole 
 Lacy crowd that I did not want either to see or to 
 hear about them. Yet I knew that it would be 
 impossible even if it were desirable to cut myself 
 off from them. They would not let me. I had been 
 too long a part of their scheme of things. 
 
 A little later in the day, as I was returning after 
 office hours from the dispatch of an important
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 57 
 
 business telegram at the General Post Office, I 
 met Maud, very becomingly dressed, on her way 
 to pay what she called a smart call. It was a very 
 sunny afternoon, unusually warm for the season, 
 and she carried a lilac sunshade, which harmonized 
 with the brighter hue of her spring costume. 
 
 I raised my hat and would have passed on, for in 
 my strange new mood I felt an odd shrinking from 
 her; but she immediately began to cross the road 
 in a slanting direction. Seeing this, I hastened to 
 meet her. 
 
 "You were going to pass poor me!" she said, 
 with her most coquettish air. ' ' Now whatever have 
 I done to offend your highness?" 
 
 I hastily explained that she had done nothing, but 
 that I was still in business hours. Observing 
 incredulity in her eyes, I hastily inquired how she 
 was, and whether she had been away from Helston 
 for Easter. 
 
 "That shows how your interest in the Lacys is 
 waning," she observed coolly. "Time was when 
 nothing about them was too trivial to engage your 
 attention. I have been at home, dutifully running 
 the show while my stern parents are enjoying their 
 little selves at Margate. Now, where have you 
 been?" 
 
 "Why, of course you must know I went to Brus- 
 sels?" " 
 
 "Jane told us that much on Sunday, when she 
 honored us, or rather the Miss Crosbys, at Hill 
 Rise; but why Brussels?"
 
 5 8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Her cool, critical eyes never for a moment left my 
 face, and it was not in the power or nature of man 
 to preserve perfect composure under the fire of her 
 questioning. 
 
 "Why anywhere, for the matter of that?*' I asked 
 lamely. "Is Ned home yet ? ' ' 
 
 "Ned is not home, nor father or mother. I am 
 all alone in my glory, looking after the house and 
 incidentally the honor of the family. I '11 expect 
 you to-night as usual. Then we can have a pow-wow 
 about things in general and Brussels in particular. 
 I must be off to pay my call, and then I '11 try to 
 catch old Sally Martin at tea, or I shall have to 
 toil all up that hill again before I get any." 
 
 "You can come to us come now," I said, grasp- 
 ing at anything which would distract Maud, and 
 give me time to consider what I was to do that 
 evening. 
 
 Not so many weeks ago a tete-a-tete evening with 
 Maud Lacy would have been looked upon by me 
 with composure, even with a kind of anticipation. 
 She could be very fascinating when she liked, with 
 an admixture of bonhomie and feminine charm which 
 had before now half turned my head. 
 
 Although according to her own candid statement 
 there had never been any serious matrimonial 
 intent in her mind where I was concerned, I was a 
 man and in a sense a lover. She liked to play 
 occasionally on that string even yet, and up till now 
 I had responded always with the feeling that with 
 Maud flirtation was perfectly safe, because we had
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 59 
 
 the understanding that there could be nothing 
 serious. 
 
 But I was now placed in a different situation alto- 
 gether. My absolute loyalty belonged to the woman 
 I loved, and was going to marry. I must readjust 
 my relations with Maud, shear them of every lover- 
 like quality; either we must become everyday, 
 ordinary acquaintances, or have a quarrel over it. 
 
 The last idea was hateful to me, though I know 
 now that to have spoken out plainly at that very 
 moment would have been not only the right and 
 manly thing to do, but the most politic for all our 
 sakes. 
 
 "Come up after supper, or perhaps you would 
 walk out along the Crailing Road to meet me, Gibbie. 
 If you 'd do that I '11 leave at a fixed time." 
 
 I hastily said I had some letters to write, that 
 I would have to stop at the bank to make up for 
 having filched an extra day. 
 
 She did not seem to doubt this excuse, and merely 
 answered, "Very well, I'll expect you at the Rise 
 about nine." 
 
 She nodded brightly and passed on, apparently 
 suspecting nothing and as friendly as ever. But she 
 left me in a serious quandary. 
 
 I knew perfectly well that a tete-a-tete evening with 
 Maud Lacy involved a certain degree of intimate 
 talk, sometimes bordering on the lover-like, some 
 sentiment, and a kiss or more at parting. We had 
 never quite given up all this, and though Maud 
 had always declared that she had other matrimonial
 
 60 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 views, one never knows what is at the back of a 
 woman's subtle mind. 
 
 I knew that she liked me; she had given me endless 
 proofs of it, and hitherto it had pleased me that it 
 was so, but now my soul revolted against her pretty 
 coquettish air of proprietorship, her cool assumption 
 that a tete-a-tete with her was a chance not to be 
 missed. What was I to do? I grew hot and cold 
 in one breath. I knew that I ought not to go, since 
 all my tender words, my kisses, my loyalty of soul 
 and body belonged now by right to Hester. 
 
 I returned to the office with but a sorry attention 
 to give to the waiting duty. Fortunately it was not 
 one to make any severe demand on the mental 
 powers ; its routine insensibly soothed me, and when 
 I went upstairs to tea I felt much better. I found 
 Jane alone. It was my father's invariable custom 
 to walk down to the club immediately office hours 
 were over. I don't suppose he took tea there, but 
 some refreshment more suited to his tastes. Jane 
 and I nearly always had tea together alone, and it 
 was then we had most of our more intimate talk. 
 
 As I saw her kind face at the head of the table 
 (already she was busy with her own tea, with a book 
 propped up against the hot-water jug) I felt a sudden 
 rush of gratitude and appreciation toward her. She 
 was a delightful creature in a house, quiet, sensible, 
 never curious, content, or apparently so, to take 
 things as they came, the sort of woman who never 
 sought or expected explanations, or vexed herself 
 with any of the problems, imaginary or otherwise,
 
 6i 
 
 which torment the souls of women all the world 
 over and make their lives hideous. 
 
 To accept is no bad axiom for a woman to start 
 her adult life with, and yet is there in the whole 
 gamut of experience one more difficult to adopt ? I 
 doubt it. 
 
 Jane smiled in her usual friendly fashion at me, 
 and I drew my chair up nearer to her. At the same 
 time I happened to notice the book she had laid 
 down, and found it to be French not a novel, but a 
 volume dealing with literature and life. 
 
 "Can you read this, Jane?" I asked. 
 
 She blushed a little. 
 
 "Oh, yes, quite easily. You forget that last year 
 I took a reading course in French from M. Leblanc. 
 He is a splendid teacher. I hardly ever have to use a 
 dictionary now, but then, of course, the best prose in 
 every language is always simple." 
 
 It was an unusual remark from Jane's lips, and 
 gave me an insight into her mind which surprised me. 
 
 "You're a rum card, Jane," I said quizzically. 
 "Fancy your wedging French literature in between 
 the baking and brewing." 
 
 "As, strictly speaking, I neither bake nor brew, it 
 would not be to my credit unless I filled up the gaps 
 with something useful. Have you had a good day 
 at the bank, or has it all seemed flat, stale, and un- 
 profitable ? 
 
 "Pretty well," I said vaguely. "Give me strong 
 tea, Jane, without milk or sugar. I've got something 
 to tell you."
 
 62 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Yes?" 
 
 Her bright glance did not waver, but there was a 
 little tremor of expectancy in her pleasant voice. 
 
 She handed me the tea. I took a big gulp, then 
 sat back in my chair and began to drum nervously 
 with my fingers on the table. From where I sat 
 I could see the reflection of my face in the mirror 
 above the sideboard, and observed that it was 
 ridiculously red. I felt as nervous and shy as any 
 schoolboy. 
 
 "Shall I help you out, Gibbie?" she asked, in the 
 tone she might have adopted toward a quite small 
 and rather naughty brother on the point of confes- 
 sion. "You want to tell me about Miss Lawrence." 
 
 "Yes, I do. How did you manage to guess?" 
 
 She laughed softly. 
 
 "Guess! there was no guessing about it. It was 
 all as clear to me as the heavens at noonday. I felt 
 rather anxious all the time you were away, dear, and 
 even prayed that all would go well." 
 
 "You prayed about that?" I said rather stupidly, 
 thinking how intricate and unfathomable was the 
 heart of woman. "But why?" 
 
 "Well, because I wanted you to win. Did you 
 find her kind?" 
 
 "I did," I said, as I rose to my feet. "She's 
 mine, Jane, and I'm at once the happiest and most 
 anxious man in the world." 
 
 She rose quite suddenly, too, and kissed me, and 
 the tears stood in her eyes. 
 
 "Dear Gilbert, I've never heard anything in my
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 63 
 
 life to make me so happy. I am glad, oh, I am glad ! ' ' 
 
 I kissed her back, then we sat down again and 
 tried to recover ourselves and to talk things over 
 rationally. 
 
 "I want to know why you are so glad about it, 
 and why you should have had any anxiety," I asked. 
 For all of a sudden Jane's opinion and outlook had 
 become of interest to me in a way they had never 
 interested me before. 
 
 "Shall I tell you, Gilbert, I wonder?" 
 
 "Why, of course. I'm asking, am I not?" 
 
 "Oh, yes, but we ask heaps of things in this life 
 and never find any answer, at least not till long after, 
 and then it doesn't matter, or at least not so much. 
 Well, it was time you met Hester quite time." 
 
 "Why?" I repeated, and never in my life had I 
 waited with more anxiety for my sister's words. 
 
 "Do you really wish to know, Gibbie?" she asked, 
 and her eyes as they met mine had something in 
 them, a kind of mothering look which I had never 
 seen before. 
 
 "Yes, of course." 
 
 "Well, you are twenty-eight years old, and it was 
 time you became a man." 
 
 "So that is how you regard me, my dear. Pray 
 how old are you?" 
 
 "That has nothing to do with it. We look to men 
 to do the real work of the world, to carry on every- 
 thing. When they disappoint us But you are 
 not going to disappoint us now." 
 
 "And you think this will, in fact, steady me,
 
 64 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Jane? That is what you're driving at, I think?" 
 
 "It will give you something to live and to work 
 for. A good many years have been frittered away." 
 
 She eyed me a little anxiously, as if not sure how 
 her words would be received. 
 
 "Remember, you laid yourself out for this, Gilbert. 
 It is risky asking for a candid opinion from a truthful 
 person, but honestly I'm very glad, dear, and I'm 
 sure I shall love Hester very much." 
 
 I finished my tea in silence, not in the least angry 
 or chagrined, only filled with an immense surprise. 
 
 How quietly had the woman of our house, the 
 unobserved and unobtrusive, been weighing us all 
 up. There was something uncanny about it. All 
 at once my sister became a personality in my esti- 
 mation, something to be reckoned with, an opinion 
 worth considering. 
 
 "Shall you be engaged long?" she asked pres- 
 ently. "You, an engaged man! How surprised 
 all the Helston folks will be! You have been a sort 
 of universal lover so long." 
 
 "Oh, come, Jane, give us half a chance," I mut- 
 tered, half laughing, half vexed. But she refused 
 to take back her words. 
 
 ' ' I absolve you from everything now that you are 
 not going to marry Maud Lacy. I have been so 
 afraid of that any time in the last five years." 
 
 "I did propose to her once in a kind of a way," I 
 confessed. ' ' But she refused me. She told me then 
 quite frankly that when she married it would be a 
 rich man, who would take her clean out of Helston.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 65 
 
 "I wish that he would come along, then, before 
 those children come home from Brussels," she said, 
 with a good deal of fervor. 
 
 "You think her influence is not good for them?" 
 
 "Well, frankly, I don't. They are dear children, 
 and very easily impressed. I wonder what Maud 
 will say when she hears of your engagement. How 
 soon will you tell her?" 
 
 I pondered half a moment. 
 
 "Well, I believe that I ought to tell her at once." 
 
 "I'm glad to hear that, Gibbie, for it is what 
 I think, too. She had a great many questions to ask 
 on Sunday when I mentioned where you had gone 
 for your Easter holiday, and I am sure she suspects 
 something. It will not be necessary to say much." 
 
 "I don't intend to. I half promised to go up to 
 Hill Rise this evening." 
 
 "She's alone there, Gibbie," said Jane, and her 
 tone was significant. 
 
 "I've seen her alone a good many times, my dear," 
 I answered rather loftily. ' ' I rather think I shall 
 be able to keep my head." 
 
 "I don't doubt it, but I can't help thinking that 
 you should leave your announcement until Mr. and 
 Mrs. Lacy come back. Tell it to them as a family. 
 It will be both easier and better. They return 
 to-morrow." 
 
 My inner consciousness assured me that this was 
 excellent advice and I fully intended to take it. But 
 somehow, after all the excitement of the past days, 
 the evening began to pall. I had so accustomed
 
 66 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 myself to spending my evenings out of my father's 
 house that at certain hours I felt myself almost a 
 stranger in it. I had written my letter to Hester at 
 odd times during the day, and soon after supper I left 
 the house ostensibly for the purpose of posting it. 
 It was a very fine night, and as I had been indoors 
 most of the day I felt inclined for a walk. The Hill 
 was the best walk in the town. Up there one got 
 a whiff of purer and more bracing air. 
 
 Needless to say, my walk ended at the white gate 
 of Hill Rise. 
 
 Old habits are difficult to break, and I had got to 
 feel at home under the Lacys' roof. The servants 
 knew me so well that they were never on ceremony 
 with me, and did not even trouble to announce me. 
 
 "Has Miss Maud come back from Crailing, 
 Alice?" I asked the housemaid. 
 
 "Oh, she didn't go, sir. She's in the little sitting 
 room upstairs, and expecting you, I think. You 
 were to go right up." 
 
 She did not smile as she said the words, nor had 
 they anything significant about them. I nodded 
 and made my way up the white staircase, with its 
 bright, warm, crimson carpet and heavy brass rods, 
 which were Maud's taste. I think I mentioned 
 before that she had a predilection for vivid colors. 
 
 I knocked lightly at the little sitting room door, 
 and then walked in as a privileged visitor might. 
 It was just nine, and the quick darkness had fallen. 
 The room was lighted by a standard lamp with an 
 amber-colored shade, and it was standing at the
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 67 
 
 back of the couch, on which Maud was half reclining 
 with a book. She had on a sort of yellow rest-gown, 
 rather loose and certainly becoming. She nodded 
 brightly to me across the narrow space. 
 
 "So you have managed to come. I thought 
 perhaps you were too tired, and had gone to bed. I 
 didn't go to Crailing after all. An hour of Miss Sally 
 Martin just about finished me. The two curates 
 from St. Luke's were there. Where will you sit, 
 Gibbie? You'll find cigarettes in the cedar- wood 
 box, and please may I have one without shocking 
 you?" 
 
 I handed her the box, and when she had helped 
 herself, drew in a chair, taking care to place a little 
 table between us. I knew Maud Lacy's moods 
 pretty well by this time, and I made a fairly good 
 guess at her present one. Before I had been five 
 minutes in the room, I regretted that I had not taken 
 Jane's advice. 
 
 "I'm so glad to have this little pow-wow to-night, 
 old boy, all on our 'ownyo,' " she said presently as 
 she puffed the smoke from her red lips, and then 
 held her cigarette aloft a little, so that the lace fell 
 away from her rather pretty arm. ' ' You'll be rather 
 surprised to hear that I felt most awfully down on 
 my luck when I heard you had gone to Brussels." 
 
 "But why? You've never felt like that when 
 I 've taken other holidays." 
 
 ' ' No, because I always knew pretty well where you 
 were, and what you were doing. What did take you 
 to Brussels, Gibbie?"
 
 68 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Here was a poser. I put down the cigarette I had 
 already lit, and, taking out my little paper-case, 
 began to roll one for myself. It served as an 
 occupation for my hands, and I had to keep my eyes 
 on the operation, too. 
 
 "Well, I'd never been, you know," I said lamely. 
 
 "Tell that to the marines. Look me in the face, 
 Gilbert Trent." 
 
 I was obliged to raise my head at that, and her 
 eyes met mine in a very searching stare. 
 
 "I believe you went to Brussels to see that 
 governess person. Did you, now?" 
 
 "What makes you ask such a question?" I 
 inquired, a little nettled by her sharp catechism. 
 
 "Well, quite suddenly you disappear without 
 saying anything to a living soul. You'll admit it 
 wasn't like you. You could have knocked me down 
 with a feather when I heard from the bank porter 
 that you had gone to Brussels." 
 
 "And how the devil did he know? He must 
 have been poking his nose where it wasn't wanted." 
 
 Maud put down her cigarette and leaned forward 
 half across the table. 
 
 "You can't look me in the face, Gib, and say you 
 didn't see that woman." 
 
 "No, I can't," I answered steadily, "for I did see 
 her." 
 
 "And you can't deny that you went to Brussels for 
 that purpose, and no other." 
 
 "No, I can't deny it," I answered calmly. "I 
 admit that it was so."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 69 
 
 "Well, and now may I ask how little, or how 
 much, it all means?" 
 
 I did not like her voice. It had lost its half- 
 caressing, half-bantering note, and become like the 
 edge of a saw. It helped to steady me, for I was 
 under no sort of obligation or bond to Maud Lacy, 
 though we had done a good bit of philandering. I 
 had once asked her to marry me, and she had refused. 
 I was, therefore, honorably absolved from further 
 responsibility. It had not occurred to me that at 
 the back of her heart she might care, or that she 
 wanted to keep me as a string to her bow lest all 
 others should fail. I don't think I was ever a vain 
 man, at least I had never laid any flattering unction 
 to my soul concerning Maud, in the last three years. 
 
 "I suppose I had better tell you," I said, and 
 instinctively rose to my feet. "I'm engaged to 
 Hester Lawrence." 
 
 She had cleverly forced my hand. Little more 
 than twenty-four hours ago I had parted with 
 Hester, determined to keep our sweet secret for a 
 time, and lo, it was scattered to the four winds of 
 Heaven ! 
 
 No confidence would be respected in the Lacy 
 household, I knew. Directly a private matter 
 became their property, it went the round of their 
 common acquaintances, and was discussed in all its 
 bearings by all sorts and conditions. I saw myself 
 and Hester under the crushing review, and my 
 uppermost feeling at the moment was chagrin at 
 the prospect.
 
 70 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 But presently I became aware of Maud's curious 
 stillness. 
 
 She had turned her head away, and when I made 
 a movement to disturb her, and she looked round, I 
 saw that she was crying. 
 
 I may as well say frankly that I could never stand 
 a woman's tears. 
 
 I had not encountered many in my time, and 
 therefore they had then lost none of their potency 
 to move me. 
 
 Besides, I knew that Maud was not a crying 
 woman. I had never in my recollection seen her 
 moved to tears before, and the sight terrified me. 
 
 The thought that I had caused them filled me 
 with a strange remorse. I never felt so desperate or 
 so miserable in my life. 
 
 A strong, fine woman, who has always carried her 
 head high and laughed with the best of them, 
 suddenly reduced to tears, is a disquieting spectacle 
 for the man who has caused them. 
 
 It makes him question his own actions, recall his 
 words, fiercely examine himself. If he has acumen 
 enough to absolve himself from blame, then my 
 advice to him is to quit; to quit at once. That is 
 what I ought to have done, only I did not. I stood 
 like a great schoolboy convicted of a fault, and 
 tried to explain. 
 
 Explanations are fatal in almost every relation 
 of life. There are very few crises which cannot be 
 tided over by silence. 
 
 "Don't cry, Maud," I said dismally and crudely.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 71 
 
 ' ' I can't bear to see you crying. It can't be a matter 
 of any consequence to you really. You have always 
 assured me that you didn't care and that you 
 expected to marry some day." 
 
 She wiped her eyes and looked at me with much 
 sweetness of expression. 
 
 I have never been able to decide how much or 
 how little genuine feeling was at the bottom of this 
 little scene. Tears became Maud Lacy, undoubt- 
 edly. They gave a certain softness, generally lack- 
 ing, to her personality; she seemed more womanly 
 than I had ever seen her before, and, consequently, 
 more beautiful. She made a striking picture, of 
 which I was fully conscious at the moment. 
 
 "Have I said so, Gibbie?" she asked gently. 
 "It just shows what a fool a woman can be and how 
 much nonsense it is possible to talk. I don't sup- 
 pose, really, that I ever expected the deluge would 
 come. Sit down here, and tell me all about it." 
 
 Her tone was so reasonable and kind, that, though 
 my better judgment warned me to fly, I obeyed her 
 with exemplary meekness. I drew in a stool to the 
 side of the couch, and sat down, and she reached out 
 her plump, well-cared-f or white hand and patted mine. 
 
 ' ' Dear Gib, if you 're going to be happy, your pal 
 won't mind. It 's that I 'm most anxious about. 
 Tell me every single, solitary thing, how it happened 
 and all " 
 
 Here was a poser. Tell her every solitary thing 
 about these incomparable days, regarding which I 
 was still shy to reticence with myself !
 
 72 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Oh, it just happened in the usual way," I 
 answered awkwardly. "When I saw her that night 
 at the ball I knew I should want to see her again. 
 Of course, I didn't expect it would come off in such 
 a hurry." 
 
 "It does sound a bit rapid," she said, with a little 
 flash of the eye. "But, poor thing, I dare say she 
 would feel anxious to bring it off before the Channel 
 rolled between you again. Men are such queer 
 cattle, and she can't have many strings to her bow." 
 
 This remark was typically Lacyan, but, applied to 
 Hester Lawrence, it jarred upon me horribly. 
 "That wasn't it at all. I was the rapid one. I sim- 
 ply refused to go without some sort of promise." 
 
 "Was that it really?" she asked, with a slight 
 uplift of her heavy black brow. "Why wasums in 
 such a hurry then? " she added presently, patting my 
 hand again. "It isn't so easy getting out of the 
 cage after you're once in, Gibbie." 
 
 I had no answer to that. I moved uneasily on 
 my seat, writhing in spirit but too idiotically weak 
 to cut myself free. How many men have found 
 themselves in a like position, and while cursing 
 themselves, succumbed to the woman's stronger 
 will! Maud Lacy willed that I should stop there 
 by her side until she was done with me. She did 
 not propose that all these days of friendship, philan- 
 dering, call it what you will, should come to an end 
 in a flash of time, and without an effort on her part 
 to preserve her jurisdiction over my life. 
 
 "Look here, Gibbie, we'd better have this thing
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 73 
 
 out," she said in her friendliest tone. "Of course, 
 you know that my people expect us to marry some 
 day." 
 
 I started. I had certainly not thought so. In 
 all my intimate talk with the various members of 
 the family, such a thing had never been mooted. 
 Their allusions to Maud and me had never gone 
 beyond the stage of chaff. 
 
 But Maud spoke so seriously that I was for the 
 moment impressed. 
 
 "I don't see how they can. I asked you, Maud, 
 and you refused. That made an end. If you '11 cast 
 your memory back you'll remember that we agreed 
 the little episode should not be allowed to alter any- 
 thing, that if possible we should be better pals than 
 ever." 
 
 "Well, and have n't we?" 
 
 "I suppose so. I 'm not complaining. And I 
 expected you to take this differently." 
 
 I said so, but in my inmost soul I knew that I had 
 not expected it. 
 
 I was only paying now for the incredible folly of 
 these years in which I had drifted, allowing the 
 chains to be bound upon me. 
 
 "I am not complaining either," she answered 
 coolly. "I only wondered whether it would be the 
 end of everything between us." 
 
 "Why should it?" I asked lamely. "A man's 
 marriage need not cut him off from all his old 
 friends." 
 
 "It need not, but it does very often, in fact almost
 
 74 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 always. But I hope you won't allow her to take you 
 away from Hill Rise altogether." 
 
 "No, of course not. We shall all be as friendly as 
 ever," I observed fatuously. "Why not?" 
 
 "I have my doubts," she said, shaking her head. 
 Suddenly she touched my hand once more and fixed 
 me with her intense eyes. "Say, Gibbie, I haven't 
 got over the wonder of it yet, nor the mystery. 
 Whatever did you see in her? She has no life? I 
 thought you liked a woman to be a bit of real flesh 
 and blood. I wish you'd explain it to me." 
 
 How could I ? My very soul shrank at the thought. 
 
 "No man can ever explain exactly why he wants 
 to marry any woman. You surely know that. It 
 just comes over him that he does want to marry her, 
 and if she'll have him, it comes off." 
 
 "Is that how you felt about me?" she asked 
 wickedly. 
 
 "That's ancient history," I answered lightly. "I 
 think I'll be getting back." 
 
 "Oh, not yet. It's only ten o'clock. Sit down. 
 I haven't heard half I want to hear. Will you be 
 married soon, and where will you take a house? 
 Why, I have a thousand questions to ask. Does 
 anybody know except me?" 
 
 "Only Jane." 
 
 ' ' Jane approves probably ? ' ' 
 
 ' ' She does, but thinks, I can see, that I am hardly 
 good enough." 
 
 "Good enough for a governess ! " quoth Maud with 
 scorn. "I shall just like to hear what the mater
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 75 
 
 says. My, won't she stare when I tell her to- 
 morrow!" 
 
 "I don't particularly want it talked all over Hel- 
 ston just yet, Maud," I said desperately. 
 
 "Oh, I shall not hawk your secret about, but you'll 
 own that the mater must be told. She '11 take it as a 
 personal slight if you don't tell her yourself. They'll 
 be down by the seven o'clock train to-morrow eve- 
 ning. If you promise to come in after supper and 
 own up, I won't say a word." 
 
 But that I could not promise, and I made another 
 effort to get away. 
 
 "You're determined to go," she said pettishly. 
 "I see the beginning of the end, Gibbie. Well, 
 I'm sure I don't care." 
 
 She spoke a little recklessly and her eyes were 
 gleaming. She rose from the 'sofa, and stood up, 
 and without any warning suddenly put her two hands 
 on my shoulders. 
 
 "So it's good-bye to the old sweet camaraderie, 
 Gibbie, oh, dear, oh, dear! I didn't think it possible 
 I could have minded ! What a fool I 've been ! " 
 
 The next moment her arms were round my neck, 
 and she had kissed me, or I had kissed her. At this 
 distance I could not say what actually happened. 
 But a minute to two later I was outside the house, 
 all my feelings in a turmoil, and savage with myself. 
 Before me I saw the pure smile of Hester's face, her 
 clear eyes looking with love and trust into mine. 
 How hateful was all this, and how could I escape 
 from it forever?
 
 76 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 One thing that ghastly interview had revealed to 
 me: the absolute necessity of getting away from 
 Helston before my marriage. 
 
 I could not picture myself in a home that would 
 have a chance of happiness or peace in the same place 
 with Maud Lacy. She might be friendly enough 
 with my wife, might in fact weary her with too much 
 intimacy. And she would never give up her friend- 
 ship for me. 
 
 As I strode savagely down the hill, the title of a 
 ridiculous debate that had taken place some years 
 before in the Shire Hall under the auspices of the 
 local literary society recurred to my mind: Can 
 Men and Women be Friends according to Plato? 
 
 I had taken part in that foolish argument, taking 
 the affirmative side. The futile sophistries I made 
 use of rose up to mock at me now. All the Lacys 
 had been on my side, and at their house, afterwards, 
 Maud and I congratulated ourselves on being the 
 concrete example of my contention. But the entry 
 of the other man, or the other woman, is the supreme 
 test of all such friendships. Ours had simply 
 broken down, like most of them, under it. 
 
 Eleven was ringing from the square tower of the 
 parish church as I crossed the High Street and let 
 myself in with my latchkey. The house was per- 
 fectly still, as usual at such an hour, when Jane 
 would have retired to her room, and my father, 
 if he had returned from the club, would be smoking 
 and reading in his own den. He was an insatiable 
 reader of novels. They never seemed to pall on
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 77 
 
 his jaded palate, and he retained an extraordinarily 
 vivid recollection of the books he had read, even the 
 trivial ones. I have often thought what a strange 
 storehouse his mind must have been. 
 
 The hall light was out, too, my father being strict 
 in the practice of the small economies which make 
 life hideous; but I noticed a gleam under his door, 
 and entered it without further parley. 
 
 I did not often disturb his privacy so late, generally 
 going straight up to bed when I returned from the 
 Lacys' house, but he took it very well. 
 
 "Not gone to bed yet, Gib? I thought you'd be 
 tired after all the excitement of the last twenty-four 
 hours. Have a whisky?" 
 
 "Thanks. I don't mind if I do," I said gratefully, 
 as I crossed the narrow floor space to the knee-hole 
 writing-desk on which the bottle stood. In his 
 private room my father did not achieve a decanter. 
 In his estimation whisky lost something by being 
 transferred from its native bottle. I looked at him 
 with sudden interest and something of appeal as I 
 sat down with the glass in my hand. It occurred to 
 me that as he had lived so much longer in the world 
 he must necessarily be much wiser than I. At the 
 moment I felt foolishly young, crude, wholly at a 
 loss. In a sense, if not the arbiter of my destiny, 
 at least he could give me immense help. 
 
 "Dad," I said in rather a shamefaced way, "I'm 
 in a kind of a hole." 
 
 I don't know what tempted me to these words, 
 for in ordinary circumstances my father was the
 
 ;8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 last man upon whom one would force a confidence. 
 And most certainly he never invited one. But there 
 it was. 
 
 He put his book face downwards on his knee, and 
 looked at me over his eyeglass with a good deal of 
 kindliness. I see him yet, the handsome wreck of a 
 man, and that night I understood part of the charm 
 which had enabled him to keep superiors and equals 
 and inferiors loyal and devoted to him through 
 a long and not very dignified life. It was some- 
 thing within, some spark of the divine fire which 
 is in every man, but which comes to the full flame 
 in very few. 
 
 "I thought there might be something behind; 
 well, out with it, my boy. If I can help you I will." 
 
 "It isn't any kind of disgraceful scrape," I blurted 
 out. ' ' Only I 'm engaged to be married. ' ' 
 
 "To Maud Lacy, I suppose?" he said, and his tone 
 was exceeding dry. 
 
 He could not have said anything to nonplus me 
 more. It showed what the world expected, and for 
 the moment appeared to justify Maud's claim. 
 
 " It is n't Maud Lacy. Why do you speak as if she 
 were the only woman in the world?" 
 
 He shrugged his shoulders. 
 
 ' ' I may be excused, perhaps, for thinking she was 
 where you are concerned. You've glued yourself 
 pretty tightly to them for the last five or six years. 
 Personally, I am glad to hear it, if you 've got away. 
 Who is the lady?" 
 
 I explained, and, as was natural, waxed a little
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 79 
 
 eloquent regarding her. To my surprise, he listened 
 with a complete gravity and attention, not smiling 
 once. "Well, where is the hole?" he asked quietly. 
 "Unless you're under any bond to Miss Lacy." 
 
 I explained my position there as best I could, and 
 I saw that he fully understood. When I had finished, 
 he took out his cigar and held it smoulderingly 
 between his fingers. 
 
 "You've spoken with great frankness, Gilbert, and 
 I pay you the compliment of accepting your state- 
 ment as it stands. I know you're telling me the 
 truth. I haven't the honor of an intimate acquaint- 
 ance with the lady, but of this I'm perfectly sure, that 
 she'll make trouble if she can. I know the type." 
 
 "But she seemed pleased enough at the end, only 
 only it would be natural for Hester to resent her 
 assumption of control over my actions, her extra- 
 ordinary interest." 
 
 "It would, and the better the woman the more she 
 feels that particular kind of interference from the 
 outside. The first thing a man has got to consider 
 in his relations with women, is that they don't 
 come under any category he has been previously 
 acquainted with. He can't tabulate them or assume 
 with the smallest certainty how they will behave 
 in any given circumstances. Each woman is a law 
 to herself. It is part of the charm of the sex. Do 
 you get that fixed in your mind, boy?" 
 
 "Yes, I suppose it's true." 
 
 ' ' Before you can expect to be happy or to give your 
 wife the peace of mind she is entitled to, you must get
 
 8o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 your feet clear. You can't settle in Helston, Gib." 
 
 I felt my face glow. They were the words I most 
 desired to hear, yet I had not dared to hint at it, 
 because it was tacitly understood that when my 
 father retired at the age limit, in a year from then, 
 I should step into his place. In view of his excep- 
 tional services to the bank, and perhaps in con- 
 sideration of my own humbler qualities, his directors 
 had as good as promised this. I knew that it was 
 a chance of quick promotion which would probably 
 never come to me again. But at that moment I 
 was willing to sacrifice it, and a few other things, to 
 clear the way. 
 
 "That would certainly simplify everything; but 
 what about this place?" 
 
 "Somebody else will have to get it, that 's all. 
 I don't want to blame you, Gib, but you've hurt 
 yourself by your association with the Lacys. That 
 kind of intimacy brings its own punishment as well 
 as its rewards. It destroys the privacy of a man's 
 soul. How much of your real self has been hidden 
 from these people? Is there a single door you have 
 closed against them?" 
 
 "Not one, until now." 
 
 "Well, you can't expect to get off scot-free, and 
 your wife is bound to suffer in some slight degree, 
 too. But I don't want to rub it in. When do you 
 propose to get married?" 
 
 "Some time in the autumn, I thought, if my 
 financial position justified it. I'll have to go into 
 things a bit."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 81 
 
 "I take it you haven't saved much, living as 
 you've been doing?" 
 
 "I haven't saved anything, or at least very little." 
 
 "And do you propose to furnish your house on the 
 hire system, or what?" 
 
 "I can scrape together something between now 
 and autumn," I answered lamely. 
 
 "Humph," said my father, more to himself than 
 to me. 
 
 I could see that he pondered things in his mind, and 
 I was content to wait for their maturing. Presently 
 he spoke in rather slow, measured tones. 
 
 "There's a hundred and fifty to your credit some- 
 where, Gib. It is yours by right. When you were 
 born, your mother started a fund for you, had some 
 idea of sending you to Oxford, I believe. My ambi- 
 tions didn't run to Oxford for you. I thought there 
 was something in banking good enough for you, 
 after it had served me. But I kept on adding to 
 the money; mere sentimental idea, I suppose, but 
 there you are. She did the same for Jane, arguing 
 that perhaps she wouldn't marry, and would 
 require it, or that if she did marry she might require 
 it more. Your mother thought a good deal about 
 things most women despise. I have never met 
 anybody quite like her. She left her mark wher- 
 ever she went." 
 
 I did not ask what kind of a mark. I was awed 
 into silence. For this was absolutely the first time 
 my father had mentioned my mother's name to me 
 since I was a little chap, and there was that in his 
 
 6
 
 82 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 tone which indicated that he had unlocked the door 
 of the inner shrine. 
 
 It startled me even to imagine that he had a shrine. 
 Had any one suggested it to me a couple of hours 
 earlier in the evening I should have smiled at their 
 guilelessness. One more proof of how little we know 
 of those with whom we live. 
 
 "What sort of a woman is this you have engaged 
 yourself to ? I suppose that she is the very antithesis 
 of Maud Lacy?" 
 
 "You have said it," I answered quickly enough. 
 ' ' They belong to different spheres. I had almost said 
 hemispheres." 
 
 "We don't marry the women we philander with. 
 I was like that with your mother, though I had a 
 round dozen of love affairs before I married her. I 
 suppose that's what took you to Brussels?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "What is she doing there?" 
 
 "Earning her living as an English governess. 
 She 's in the school where the two Lacy girls are being 
 educated. She brought them over for the ball; 
 that's where I met her." 
 
 " I see ! Another reason why it would be advisable 
 for you to settle at some distance from Helston. I '11 
 go up to Threadneedle Street on Thursday and hear 
 what they have to say." 
 
 My face flushed, for I knew what that meant. My 
 father was, for the first time in his life, concerning 
 himself actively in my affairs. But it was difficult 
 for me to thank him. As a family we had carried our
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 83 
 
 reticence toward one another to lengths unthinkable 
 and absurd. 
 
 "They're opening countless branches in the new 
 suburbs. I don't think there will be any difficulty in 
 getting one for you after I 've talked to 'em for a bit. 
 They'll take my word if I say you're capable. 
 Twenty-nine, aren't you?" 
 
 "I shall be in October." 
 
 "Young enough for a manager, but it's the day of 
 the young man, and now you've got something to 
 settle you, you ought to do well enough. Good 
 night." 
 
 He said the word with extraordinary abruptness, 
 almost as if he felt a secret shame over his readiness 
 to enter into my interests and help them forward. 
 
 ' ' Good night, sir. It 's most awfully good of you. 
 I don't know what to say." 
 
 ' ' Don ' t say anything. You ' ve been a good enough 
 son to me. At least, you 've never made me ashamed 
 of you. And I'm glad you're going to marry. I 
 haven't said anything, but I was wondering how 
 much longer this Lacy business was going to last. 
 I 've seen you deteriorating under it, but it wasn't my 
 business to interfere." 
 
 "On the contrary, it was your business, sir, and I 
 wish you had," I said bluntly. 
 
 He looked at me oddly over the brim of the eye- 
 glass he had already adjusted for the purpose of 
 resuming his reading. 
 
 "Perhaps you're right, perhaps not. I've never 
 posed as a model father. Fact is, Gilbert, no watch
 
 84 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 can keep time when the mainspring 's broken. That 
 was what happened to me. Good night." 
 
 I went out of the room in no doubt but that my 
 dismissal was final this time. But the words pursued 
 me. "The mainspring broken! That was what 
 happened to me." It sums up as well as any other 
 words in the English tongue the whole tragedy of the 
 widower's heart and life.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 Six weeks is an interminable time to a newly en- 
 gaged man, who has no opportunity of seeing his 
 beloved in the interval. It was not surprising that I 
 wanted to divide the eternity between Easter and 
 Whitsuntide by a week-end at Brussels. But I could 
 not get away. I had so much to say to Hester, and 
 even the best of letters can never say all. After I 
 became engaged my relations with the Lacys suffered 
 some hurt. I had to stand so much merciless chaff 
 and minute questioning at Hill Rise, that I had slack- 
 ened off going to their house. This displeased Mrs. 
 Lacy not a little, and one day when we met in the 
 street she reproachfully taxed me with it. 
 
 "I would never have believed it of you, Gilbert, to 
 shunt old friends the moment a new face comes along ! 
 I assure you we are all feeling it." 
 
 I hastened to assure her that I had no such inten- 
 tion, but that I had felt they were a little hard on me. 
 
 "I don't know what you call hard," she said, fixing 
 me with her handsome eyes, which were very like 
 Maud's, only kinder. "Why should you escape the 
 common lot? I've heard you give as good as you 
 get many a time. Why should we wrap you in 
 cotton wool? Besides, if she isn't worth standing 
 
 85
 
 86 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 a bit of chaff for she isn't worth having. When 's it 
 to come off?" 
 
 Her tone instantly became kinder, because there 
 was no real guile or malice in her heart. If Maud had 
 been like her mother in this respect my troubles 
 would have ended there; need, perhaps, never have 
 begun. 
 
 "Nothing is definitely settled, and it may not be 
 this year, Mrs. Lacy." 
 
 "Oh, we all thought you were going to be in a 
 desperate hurry. And where are you going to live? 
 They are building some new small houses on the Hill, 
 quite pretty and up-to-date. It would be very nice 
 if you came up there, Gilbert, then we shouldn't feel 
 as if we had quite lost you. I could help her, too, 
 for it stands to reason she can't know much, if any- 
 thing, about housekeeping. And after Jane's splen- 
 did management you won't like bad cooking or 
 anything sloppy." 
 
 Few men trouble themselves about the housewifely 
 capabilities of the woman they are going to marry. I 
 certainly had not had any qualms regarding Hester's. 
 
 "There isn't anything settled," I said evasively. 
 "It is even on the cards that I may not stop in 
 Helston. My father thinks I should leave it." 
 
 ' ' But why ? I thought it was understood that you 
 should step into his shoes soon? It's a very good 
 billet as banks go, but, of course, it isn't like business. 
 If you had been my son, I never should have allowed 
 you to stand behind a bank counter. It 's a genteel, 
 easy occupation, but there isn't a red cent in it."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 87 
 
 "I may go to a London branch," I said recklessly. 
 ' ' Then one has chances. In a place like Helston, one 
 is apt to get into a groove." 
 
 "So you are determined to cut yourself off," she 
 said, returning to her somewhat reproachful tone. 
 "Well, well, I suppose it is the way of the world, but 
 I expected different things from you. I'm anxious 
 about Maud, Gibbie. She 's gone off her food, and 
 is so cross and irritable, there's no living with her. 
 I think we must send her to the sea for a bit, but 
 she refuses to budge." 
 
 I suppose I must have looked as uncomfortable as I 
 felt, and imagined all sorts of subtle meanings hidden 
 under these apparently innocent words. But Mrs. 
 Lacy was incapable of innuendo. Her outstanding 
 characteristic was to speak her mind, and she pro- 
 ceeded to do it without further parley. 
 
 "I don't mind telling you that Bob and I would 
 have been uncommonly pleased had you and Maud 
 made a match of it. You seem to understand her, 
 and there 's no doubt whatever that she 's fond of 
 you." 
 
 I didn't know where to look. It was the first time 
 she had so pointedly alluded to the subject, and I had 
 not the remotest idea that her mind had ever har- 
 bored it. One of the chief charms of the Lacys' 
 house was the freedom in it for a young man. One 
 never had the f eeling that he was being angled for, or 
 regarded as a possible suitor. But evidently the lure 
 had been there all the same. 
 
 "I proposed to Maud once, Mrs. Lacy, a good
 
 88 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 many years ago, and she refused me," I said bluntly, 
 and hating myself desperately for taking the line of 
 least resistance. "She told me, then, she was 
 aiming at something higher than a bank manager, 
 and that though she liked me very well, she had not 
 the smallest intention of marrying me." 
 
 She looked the picture of surprise. 
 
 "Well, I never! Why, who would ever have 
 thought it, Gilbert? I must tell Bob. How close 
 Maud can be about her own affairs! But you 
 mustn't think she has said anything nasty about 
 your engagement. Honor bright, she hasn't. But 
 all the same I can't help thinking that she is feeling 
 it. Queer, isn't it, how we can bring up children and 
 know so little about them? I've never professed to 
 understand Maud. Now with Carrie everything is 
 plain sailing. She simply opens her mouth, and you 
 know where she is and where you are. She's more 
 like me than any of them, don't you think?" 
 
 "Carrie is delightful," I hastened to say with a 
 warmth which made her mother smile. 
 
 "Men are beginning to find it out, evidently, and I 
 don't quite understand it, for she isn't half so pretty 
 as Maud, and she laughs at them all. But it 's such 
 a kindly laugh, and she never makes them feel small 
 or tries to be smart at their expense as Maud does. 
 I shouldn't be at all surprised to see Carrie sailing in 
 ahead of them all with flying colors. Don't look so 
 glum, Gilbert ! I 'm not down on you, only I do wish 
 we could keep everybody quite young it 's so much 
 easier. A house full of little children all tumbling
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 89 
 
 over one another, that's my idea of happiness. 
 When they grow up it 's very different." There was 
 real pathos in her words, and I saw that her big 
 motherly heart was somehow sore. 
 
 "Dear Mrs. Lacy, I'll never, never forget what 
 you've been to me," I said, and never had I spoken 
 with more fervor or more truth. 
 
 To my surprise, two bright drops immediately 
 started in her eyes, and we were in the middle of the 
 High Street, too, in the full noonday! 
 
 "I know, and I like you quite as much as if you 
 were my own ; that 's why I can't get used to the idea 
 of another woman getting you, I suppose. I felt just 
 the same about Ned, but I'll get over it. I say, 
 Gibbie," she said suddenly, and I thought a subtle 
 change came over her expression, "do you notice 
 anything about me different just lately?" 
 
 "How do you mean?" I asked in quick concern. 
 
 "Do you think I look as well as usual?" 
 
 I regarded her with quick scrutiny. "You are 
 thinner, much thinner, and last night I thought you 
 looked a little wan just before I left, but I set it down 
 to the color of the lamp shades." 
 
 "It wasn't the lamp shades. I'm not very well, 
 Gibbie. I haven't been for a long time. But don't 
 say a word to them at home. Ours is not the kind of 
 house a person can be comfortably ill in. I 'm keep- 
 ing about as long as I can, and it would worry Bob so 
 dreadfully. So don't say a word; but I like to think 
 I can speak to you whatever is in my mind." 
 
 I felt a sudden revulsion. All my old love and
 
 90 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 fealty to this dear woman who had mothered me 
 through all my desolate boyhood rushed upon me like 
 a flood. I drew her into the shadow of the old gate- 
 way of St. Anselm's, and spoke to her seriously. 
 
 "I don't like what you tell me. I simply can't 
 have it. Have you seen anybody? Do you suffer 
 pain? Heavens, you can't be ill? We simply won't 
 have it." 
 
 ' ' I have n't seen anybody, and I 'm not going to. I 
 hate doctors. I won't have them poking about me, 
 and I don't believe there is anything really the matter 
 with me. Lots of women get seedy about my time of 
 life. Don't bother, Gibbie. I feel better already. 
 It is good to have somebody like you to tell things 
 to." 
 
 "You'll promise to take care of yourself," I said 
 anxiously. "You do too much for other people. 
 You want to rest a lot more. Let some of them take 
 over the housekeeping and run the show at Hill Rise." 
 
 She shook her head. 
 
 "Ah, I won't do that, Gibbie. When a woman 
 gives up her own show she 's done. I '11 hang on as 
 long as I can. There isn't anything the matter with 
 me, really advancing age, that's all. Look here, 
 Gibbie, would you like me to invite Miss Lawrence for 
 Whitsun? I'd love to do it. She could come over 
 with Flo and the Babe, though they are not supposed 
 to have Whitsun. A week-end wouldn't hurt them, 
 however. Shall I write?" 
 
 "Thank you very much, thank you ever so much, 
 but I rather think Jane and I are going to Brussels."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 91 
 
 "I see. How pleased Jane is about it all! It 
 shines all over her face. You never know what these 
 quiet ones are thinking and feeling. Well, good-bye, 
 dear. It's done me good to talk to you. I hope 
 you '11 be happy and have a good time always good- 
 bye." 
 
 She nodded in her usual friendly fashion and moved 
 away, always a dignified and handsome figure, the 
 last thing in neatness and distinction in dress. I 
 felt saddened somehow as I left her. A sort of feeling 
 that play days were quite over crept over me. Life 
 loomed ahead, Life spelled with a big L. Well, I 
 was ready for it. I had put away childish things. 
 
 After all, Jane did not go to Brussels. I can't 
 remember exactly why, but some difficulty seemed 
 to arise, and I went alone. 
 
 I travelled by the night boat on the Friday, and 
 was at the gates of La Grenade by eleven o'clock on 
 Saturday morning. 
 
 Hester was waiting for me in the garden, frankly 
 full of joy at seeing me again. It was not a very big 
 garden, but there was plenty of shade and a snug little 
 summerhouse we had all to ourselves for half an hour 
 for our lovers' talk. As I held her dear face in my 
 hands, and looked into her clear, trustful eyes, all 
 my unworthiness rushed upon me afresh. 
 
 "Darling, it has seemed centuries," I cried. 
 "And I can't believe I am actually here at your side 
 again." 
 
 "It's quite real. I knew it was going to be this 
 morning when I woke up with such a feeling of joy,"
 
 92 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 she answered simply. "Oh, Gilbert, just think of 
 the difference it has made in my life." 
 
 "Has it? What kind of difference?" I asked 
 hungrily. 
 
 "Oh, it has changed everything, given a fresh 
 beauty and joy to every common thing. But there 
 is nothing common, Gilbert. Everything is lovely 
 and good." 
 
 Could I have said the same, I wonder? I did not 
 try. 
 
 "The dear Miss Crosbys have been so kind and 
 considerate. They have sent the girls out with 
 Mademoiselle for an excursion at Terveuren this 
 morning, so we must not go to Terveuren to-day," 
 she added with a shy, delightful smile, "though I am 
 quite sure I want to, beyond everything." 
 
 "I dare say we can find somewhere else. How 
 soon can you be ready, and do they understand that 
 I must have you for the whole day?" 
 
 "You must ask them properly," she said shyly. 
 "Now you have to come in and be introduced." 
 
 I confessed that I quailed at the prospect, but she 
 only laughed merrily and began to lead the way into 
 the house. From the front door it was but a step to 
 the pretty sitting room, where I found the ladies in a 
 state of evident expectancy. I am sure I looked like 
 a silly sheep. I know I felt like one. But they 
 quickly put me at my ease. 
 
 They were not at all what I expected, being much 
 younger and more attractive looking than I had 
 pictured them to be. Miss Madeline, the younger,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 93 
 
 was decidedly pretty. They were truly gentle- 
 women, highly educated, refined, and, while enter- 
 taining very high ideals of life and conduct, there 
 was nothing goody-goody about them. 
 
 Miss Crosby shook a very pretty finger at me after 
 we had shaken hands. "You don't deserve to be 
 received civilly, Mr. Trent. I hope you realize the 
 magnitude of your offence." 
 
 "I don't, Miss Crosby. Pray enlighten me." 
 
 "You are going to rob La Grenade of its greatest 
 treasure. We shall never be able to replace Hester; 
 never in this world. My sister and I did not sleep at 
 all the night after we knew." 
 
 I humbly acknowledged my offence, and while 
 Hester went off to get ready, I sat down and began to 
 find myself at home. It is possible that Eleanor 
 Crosby, alive still, and not so very old, may read 
 these words and recall that summer morning. Her 
 sister, Miss Madeline, is dead, and the school long 
 given up. I felt that while they were interested and 
 in some degree critical, they were quite friendly. It 
 was no greater ordeal than many a man has to go 
 through when he comes for the first time under the 
 review of his fiancee's people. I already knew that 
 the Crosbys were the only people Hester had in the 
 world, and that she loved them as if they were her 
 actual kindred. Besides, they had been more than 
 kind to her, which made me most anxious to leave 
 a good impression on their minds, and to assure 
 them regarding Hester's future. 
 
 "It is extraordinary how things happen in this
 
 94 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 world, isn't it?" said Miss Eleanor in her bright but 
 rather prim way. ' ' I assure you we were most un- 
 willing, weren't we, Madeline, to let dear Hester take 
 the children to England for Mrs. Lacy's ball, and 
 just see what has come out of it ! You will have to 
 be very good to Hester, Mr. Trent, but I hope you are 
 not going to take her away from us for a long time." 
 
 "Just as soon as ever I can," I answered boldly. 
 "That is what I have come about. I hope to be 
 settled and to have a home to offer Hester in the 
 autumn." 
 
 "In Helston?" asked Miss Crosby, while Miss 
 Madeline, with very bright eyes and a pink flush on 
 her cheek, sat forward eagerly to hear my response. 
 
 "No, in London, that is, the outskirts of London, 
 where I hope we shall have the pleasure of receiving 
 you very often." 
 
 Miss Madeline clasped her hands rapturously, and 
 I understood from her silence that she was accus- 
 tomed to leave speech on most affairs to her sister, to 
 whom she looked up with the reverence a gentle 
 nature feels for a strong one. 
 
 "Ah, that is kind, and we shall, of course, look 
 forward to seeing Hester in her own home. I am, 
 in a sense, her guardian, Mr. Trent. That explains 
 my apparent fussiness. I should like to show you a 
 letter Major Lawrence wrote to me in his last illness 
 about Hester. It will explain the position better 
 than anything else." 
 
 I felt rather surprised to hear her speak of Major 
 Lawrence. I now heard for the first time of his
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 95 
 
 position in the army. Remember how rapidly my 
 love affair had progressed, and how entirely we had 
 been taken up with one another in the few weeks of 
 our engagement ! We had not descended to details. 
 All that concerned me was that Hester had no people, 
 and that therefore there was no possible chance of 
 our being parted. 
 
 Before I could answer this speech Hester returned 
 ready dressed for our walk, and we went out together, 
 promising to come back in time for tea. 
 
 We wandered away from the gate, followed by the 
 beaming looks of these two kind women, not caring 
 at all where we went, but happy so long as we were 
 together. 
 
 "Aren't they dears?" said Hester, with a little 
 happy mist before her eyes as she waved to them. 
 "Miss Madeline is quite excited. It is the first time 
 there has been a love affair in La Grenade why, I 
 can't think. They are so charming. I am sure, 
 if I were a man, I should wish to marry them both." 
 
 "Men are a little afraid of schoolmarms," I said 
 with a smile. 
 
 "You didn't seem very much afraid of me," she 
 answered quickly, which gave me the very opportu- 
 nity I wanted. We were foolishly happy for a full 
 hour, and I could not tell you at this date where 
 she took me. I only know we came to a glade 
 where there were trees, and that we sat down on a 
 bank under them, and watched the sunlight fil- 
 tering through the leaves, and there was nobody 
 in the world, save only two. But by and by I saw
 
 9 6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 just a little shadow creep over my darling's face. 
 
 "Gilbert, I want to tell you something. I have 
 had a letter from Miss Lacy." 
 
 I know I reddened, and her clear eyes, dwelling 
 a little wistfully on my face, saw that flush, and 
 perhaps misunderstood it. 
 
 "Yes," I said lamely. "And what had Miss Lacy 
 to say?" 
 
 "A great deal. Would you like to see the letter, 
 Gilbert? I have it here." 
 
 I wanted to see it beyond all telling, but I felt that 
 I could not read it under the fire of Hester's eyes. 
 
 "Oh, no," I answered lightly. "I am sure she 
 would not expect that you would show it to me. 
 Maud Lacy and I are very old friends, Hester. We 
 have simply known one another always, since we 
 wore pinafores." 
 
 ' ' I guessed as much, and she speaks of that, but 
 but, Gilbert, may I just ask you something, then we 
 need never speak of it again?" 
 
 "Yes, of course; you have the right to ask me 
 anything you like." 
 
 "There was nothing between you, was there? 
 You know what I mean, don't you, dear? The 
 happiness that has come to me is very dear, but I 
 want to know whether it is all mine." 
 
 It was a full minute before words would come to me. 
 I felt that she was waiting anxiously for my answer, 
 and that much might depend upon it. Maud's 
 letter would have been a guide, but, having declined 
 its perusal, I was left wholly to my own resources.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 97 
 
 "I will tell you the truth, Hester," I said in a low 
 voice. "Once I thought I cared for Maud Lacy, 
 and I asked her to marry me. She refused. That is 
 all that has been between us." 
 
 It was another full minute before she spoke, and 
 then I saw that something had gone from her, some 
 inner brightness, which would perhaps never come 
 again. I thought I understood it, and made my 
 utmost endeavor to dispel that rising cloud. 
 
 "I think I know what you feel, my darling, just as 
 I should feel, I know, if you were to tell me there had 
 been another man in your life." 
 
 "But there never has been," she said quietly. 
 
 ' ' That I could well believe, though where their eyes 
 have been I don't know," I hastened to say with all 
 a lover's fondness. "But with a man it is different. 
 It is bound to be in the very nature of things. If he 
 is made of flesh and blood at all, he can hardly escape 
 having a few affairs before the real thing comes 
 along." 
 
 The wistfulness did not leave her eyes; her ex- 
 pression indicated that she was pondering some fresh 
 point of view, which did not altogether make for 
 happiness. "I suppose that is true, but I can't help 
 thinking it is a pity, Gilbert." 
 
 "That what is a pity?" 
 
 "If God ordains one man and woman for one 
 another, and they could wait for their meeting, and 
 think of no other, that would be perfect. Does it 
 never happen, I wonder?" 
 
 I felt a pang as she put the question, and had
 
 9 8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 any one but Hester propounded it, I should have 
 laughed aloud. I thought of Ned Lacy, of myself, 
 of all the men I had known, and of how far short 
 we all fell of such an ideal. Why, the swaggering 
 schoolboy with his cheap cigarette and his affectation 
 of manhood begins playing at love as soon as he 
 knows how to spell the word. 
 
 "It may happen sometimes, but it is unusual," I 
 said gravely. "But I do believe this, Hester, that 
 most men keep the inner shrine inviolate till they 
 meet the right woman. I never knew the meaning 
 of love till I saw you. The moment I saw you I 
 felt that life was changed in a hundred different 
 directions, charged with new meaning and purpose. 
 For the rest, it was but froth, gone with the first 
 puff of wind, and leaving no trace behind." 
 
 They were fine-sounding, grandiloquent words, but 
 I question if they convinced Hester. She vaguely 
 smiled, pullin,, to pieces a tall foxglove that grew 
 at her feet. 
 
 "Perhaps I have lived a very narrow life. Men 
 do not enter much into the scheme of things at La 
 Grenade, and women who live like that get their 
 ideas from books, which, of course, hardly ever 
 present life as a whole. When I was at Helston " 
 
 She paused for half a minute, and her eyes per- 
 sistently bent themselves on the ragged foxglove. 
 
 "When you were at Helston?" I repeated gently, 
 eager yet partly dreading the next words. 
 
 "A good many things puzzled me. Mr. and Mrs. 
 Lacy are very happy together, aren't they?"
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 99 
 
 "Happiest couple I know. They have all tastes 
 in common, and their idea of a home is a place 
 where people have to be happy." 
 
 ' ' I have never met any one. so truly kind as they 
 both were, and I kept puzzling myself about the 
 children. Not one of them seems to resemble their 
 parents, and they are all so different. I hope it 
 will not vex you, Gilbert, if I say that I liked Maud, 
 your friend, the least of all." 
 
 I was not at all surprised. I would have been 
 surprised, perhaps, had she said anything else. 
 
 "It is horrible to be speaking like this, but I do 
 want to be quite true and frank about everything, 
 Gilbert. If we live in Helston, shall I have to see 
 a great deal of her?" 
 
 "We shall not live in Helston," I answered fer- 
 vently; "and you will make your own friends. God 
 forbid that I should thrust mine upon you." 
 
 "Oh, but that would be most unreasonable, and 
 if you wish me to make a friend of Miss Lacy, I 
 will try to do so. But something inside of me seems 
 to shrink from her. It is the narrow life I have 
 lived, I suppose. But she seems to expect that she 
 will see a great deal of us. She even asks me to keep 
 the door wide open, so that she may not lose her 
 friend, who has been so much to her all these years." 
 
 I could have gnashed my teeth. Even then I was 
 on the point of asking to see the letter, but once 
 more I refrained. I guessed that its full perusal 
 would probably madden me. But I hated Maud at 
 the moment, Heaven knows how I hated her for
 
 ioo MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 what she had done. She had taken her revenge on 
 me, had succeeded in planting the first sting in my 
 darling's heart. I vowed a mighty vow that it 
 should be the last. 
 
 "I am sorry she has vexed you," I said, trying 
 to speak lightly. "Maud Lacy is a little high- 
 falutin " 
 
 "A little what?" 
 
 "A little prone to take exaggerated views, and she 
 likes to be first. If we were to live in Helston, she 
 would probably run to our house without ceasing 
 for a while, and then drop us like hot coals. It's 
 a way she has. Did you answer her letter?" 
 
 She colored a little as she replied: 
 
 "I have tried to a great many times, but I have 
 never been able to write what seemed the right 
 thing. I shall try again after you are gone." 
 
 "Don't," I said brusquely. "There isn't the 
 ghost of a reason why you should carry on a cor- 
 respondence with Maud Lacy. She is a person with 
 little or nothing to do, and she has a voluminous 
 correspondence already. I'll tell her you got it all 
 right when I get back. Now let's drop this subject 
 and talk about ourselves." 
 
 "We have been talking about ourselves," she said 
 with her little demure smile. "I don't know any- 
 thing that could concern us more. You see, I want 
 to do the right thing, to make you very happy. 
 Above all, your home must be a place where all your 
 friends will be welcome, or it will not be worth 
 calling a home."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 101 
 
 What could I do, then, but take her in my arms, 
 and assure he* that my home was in the heaven of 
 her eyes, and that if I had my way all else would be 
 shut out? I managed to reassure her wholly, and 
 the rest of our brief holiday together had no cloud 
 upon it. But when I was away from her I thought 
 a good deal about Maud Lacy and the trick she had 
 played me. I determined to have it out with her 
 directly I got back. 
 
 But when I did, other things claimed my attention. 
 I found that my father's activity on my behalf had 
 already borne fruit. I was summoned to a meeting 
 of our directors in London, and informed that they 
 had decided to give me the managership of their new 
 branch at Finchley. 
 
 Hester and I were married in October of the same 
 year.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 When we settled in Finchley the building boom 
 in the northern suburbs was just beginning. The 
 bank premises occupied a commanding site in the 
 main thoroughfare, and had a line of new shops with 
 dwellings above stretching away to the right towards 
 Whetstone. We had a commodious modern house 
 above the bank, of which we were the first tenants, 
 but there was no garden. We felt the deprivation 
 less, however, as we had woods and fields within 
 a stone's throw. The beautiful old houses flanking 
 both sides of the Great North Road were still the 
 homes of those who had family associations with 
 the neighborhood, and who were loath to go. But 
 the doom of some had already been pronounced; 
 great hoardings were to be seen here and there 
 behind the front railings of delectable gardens, and 
 the activity of the speculative builder was in the 
 air. Two means of communication with London 
 were open to us : the train to King's Cross, and the 
 rumbling, old-fashioned green omnibus which ran 
 between Finchley and Oxford Circus, taking nearly 
 two hours in the process. Hester loved that omni- 
 bus, and invariably travelled by it when going in 
 alone or to meet me in town. These were leisurely 
 
 102
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 103 
 
 days with us, and very happy ones, though the first 
 year of our married life was not without its keen 
 anxieties. 
 
 To start a new branch of a business anywhere is a 
 crucial test of a man, and if responsibility makes 
 a man, then undoubtedly I found myself with enough 
 on my shoulders. My directors did not worry me, 
 that was no part of their policy, but they watched 
 with Argus eyes, noted every turn and twist, every 
 indication of progress; I sometimes imagined that 
 they spotted a new customer by instinct. 
 
 They were just masters, but at no time conspicuous 
 for generosity. They gave their servants their due, 
 nothing more. 
 
 My father's words to me on the last night I spent 
 under his roof often returned to me after I was 
 entirely outside his jurisdiction. 
 
 "Remember, boy, that your first and most insist- 
 ent duty to the bank is success. I might say it was 
 the last, as well as the first. It is only success in 
 your branch which will justify your right to exist 
 where they are concerned. A bank is not a philan- 
 thropic institution; it's a business without bowels. 
 You are put there to get customers. If you don't 
 get them, you're no use. Get them honestly if you 
 can, but get them at any price." 
 
 There was a twinkle in his eye as he made the 
 latter part of his deliverance, but before I fell asleep 
 that night, the prospect rather appalled me. Suppos- 
 ing I should be a complete failure! Supposing 
 for some reason or another no custom should come
 
 104 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 to the bank; supposing other rivals rushed in and 
 grabbed every available depositor; supposing I was 
 unpopular, what would happen? I beheld myself 
 ignominiously dismissed, seeking work, taking a 
 subordinate place, reducing Hester to the life that 
 goes with the wages of a bank clerk. All this hide- 
 ous panorama unfolded before me; I set my teeth 
 and swore to succeed. And I did. 
 
 What constitutes success in life, more particularly 
 business success ? What are the qualities which will 
 ensure it ? If I could satisfactorily answer these two 
 questions, could tabulate some infallible rules of 
 conduct, some definite and unassailable lines to go 
 upon, I should earn the gratitude of thousands of 
 anxious men and women all over the world. But 
 frankly I cannot. Get custom, as my father put 
 it that is the goal ; but how to attain it ? I 
 believe that success in life belongs to the very essence 
 of being. It is personality that does it, something 
 elusive and individual, and which cannot be passed 
 on. You see two boys given precisely the same 
 equipment, the identical chance one soars, the 
 other remains stationary or goes down. 
 
 The one who soars may very easily be the grosser 
 and inferior of the two; it may be the very fineness 
 of fibre in the other's being which militates against 
 his success. In my own case I was not hampered by 
 any over-sensitiveness. Snubs sat lightly upon me. 
 I had no difficulty in smiling on the man who had 
 tried to set me down. Naturally good-tempered, 
 this was no particular effort to me, and there are
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 105 
 
 few things which succeed more readily than an even 
 temper. It smooths the way for everything. The 
 man who is always looking out for slights, who has 
 rights to stand on, who takes the chaff or the opposi- 
 tion of his fellows as deadly insults, hasn't a chance. 
 Hester was much interested, of course, in the bank, 
 but I fancy she never understood its operations. At 
 my own home, business had seldom been mentioned 
 in the house, and insensibly I began to go upon these 
 lines. We used to have a little rejoicing over a new 
 customer, however, and when we had six in one week 
 we decided we could afford a dinner in town and a 
 play. It was all very fresh and sweet and delightful 
 at the beginning, and there were few happier than 
 we were, even during that first year, so apt to be the 
 crucial one in married life. 
 
 We had furnished simply, and I found, when we 
 came to make choice of things, that Hester's taste 
 was a little austere. She did not care how little she 
 had in the house, but that little must pass the stand- 
 ard of her taste. 
 
 "I can't live with ugly things, Gilbert," she said 
 a little wistfully as we stood undecided in front of a 
 massive Georgian sideboard which had appealed to 
 me by reason of its solidity. "Just think of that 
 terrible thing in our small green dining room! It 
 would dominate everything. Unless you are very 
 set on it, let us have this." 
 
 "This" was a small, spindle-legged thing, with a 
 bow front and a brass rail behind, which she had 
 fallen in love with. The craze for old things and
 
 io6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 their consequent imitations was not then so much 
 in vogue. Carved oak, designed and made in Tot- 
 tenham Court Road, very black in hue, and very 
 heavily carved, represented the giddy heights to 
 which most suburban furnishers soared. Hester 
 would have none of it. 
 
 "Don't let us have imitations, Gilbert," she said. 
 "We shall end by being imitations ourselves." 
 
 I gave in, of course, as every reasonable man does 
 in the circumstances. The person who has to spend 
 the principal part of her time among the household 
 gods has surely the right to first choice. Hester 
 created a pretty and rather unusual home out of 
 slender resources, and put upon it the stamp of her 
 own individuality. Its very simplicity and aus- 
 terity seemed to reflect certain moods of her soul. 
 She was just twenty-six, but already she had learned 
 the invaluable lesson of doing without. Small 
 deprivations never troubled her; she could always 
 wait for the coming good. I, on the other hand, 
 was generally impatient to possess; when we saw 
 things in shop windows we coveted for our house, 
 I would have rushed in and bought without reflec- 
 tion. Hester was more prudent. Our house was 
 generally admired by such of our old friends as found 
 us in our somewhat inaccessible suburb, and by the 
 few new ones we had made chiefly through our 
 connection with St. Luke's Church. All the Lacys 
 came except Maud, who, while we were on our 
 honeymoon, had gone to Jersey to pay a long visit 
 to a school friend lately settled there.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 107 
 
 But one day, after we had been married about 
 two months, when I went up to tea I found her in 
 the dining room alone, looking about her with very 
 bright, critical eyes. Hester was in the kitchen, 
 presumably getting tea, our Belgian maid, Babette 
 of La Grenade fame, having gone to spend her 
 monthly holiday with her married sister at Hammer- 
 smith. It was a cold day in December, and Maud 
 looked very handsome in her furs, which sat becom- 
 ingly on her rich crimson costume. 
 
 "So there you are, Gib, quite an old married 
 man," she said in her friendliest tone. "Surprised 
 to see me, and when did I come home? Oh, last 
 Saturday! You see, I haven't lost much time 
 coming to see your show. I say, what style is this 
 pre-Raphaelite, is it? looks a tiny bit skimpy 
 to my mind." 
 
 I smiled, and suggested that she should consult 
 Hester about the proper designation for her dining 
 room. 
 
 "Hope I haven't come at a very inconvenient 
 season, for I had made up my mind that if the 
 atmosphere was friendly I might stay the night. 
 You see, it is rather a long way from Helston to 
 here. It has taken me since half-past twelve actu- 
 ally to accomplish the journey." 
 
 I felt a trifle dismayed, for it was Hester's birthday, 
 and we had arranged a little outing together in 
 London, meaning to dine at an Italian restaurant 
 in Arundel Street, and go to some play. Babette's 
 day off had been arranged accordingly.
 
 io8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Did you say anything to Hester about it?" I 
 asked rather lamely. 
 
 "Not yet, only just come, but I don't want to 
 make myself a nuisance." 
 
 "You couldn't be that," I answered. "I'll just 
 see what Hester is about." 
 
 I went along the passage, entered the kitchen, and 
 shut the door. Hester, with her brows puckered, 
 and rather an odd look on her sweet face, was busily 
 cutting bread and butter. I closed the door, took 
 the knife from her hand, and clasped her in my arms. 
 
 "Beastly nuisance, isn't it, wifie? But what 
 can we do?" 
 
 "Nothing except make her welcome, and perhaps 
 she won't stay very long," she said cheerfully. 
 
 I groaned in spirit. 
 
 "She has just asked whether she can stay the 
 night." 
 
 "Oh, Gilbert, and spoil our little outing; we can't 
 take her; oh, don't let us!" 
 
 There was a note of passion in her voice, which 
 might have assured me that it was a matter of 
 moment to her. 
 
 "I don't want to, goodness knows," I said fer- 
 vently. ' ' But how can we refuse ? When I think of 
 all the dinners and teas and other kinds of hospitality 
 I've had at her father's house, what am I to say 
 but it's beastly, Hester " 
 
 I relieved my feelings by kicking a chair leg 
 loudly enough to be heard some distance beyond 
 the kitchen.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 109 
 
 "But she hasn't brought any things, not even a 
 dressing-case, unless she has left it somewhere," said 
 Hester, clutching at a straw. 
 
 "I suppose she thinks you'll lend her the needful," 
 I answered. "That's how they are at Lacys', you 
 know; they are the most casual people on earth. 
 I 've often borrowed pajamas and things there when 
 I stopped unexpectedly. They don't think any- 
 thing about it. It isn't an unusual proceeding on 
 her part, I assure you." 
 
 She did not look very pleased. She could not 
 imagine any circumstances in which she would 
 behave like that; she was extraordinarily fastidious 
 about her personal belongings, and I could see did 
 not even relish the thought of lending things to 
 Maud. 
 
 "I'll do whatever you want, Gilbert, of course. 
 Just go back to Miss Lacy and give me a minute 
 or two to recover. It will be quite all right; yes, 
 dear, really it will." 
 
 It was. I went back to Maud, and tried to make 
 conversation, or rather listen to her, all the time 
 wondering how the rest of the day was to be got 
 through. 
 
 Presently Hester came in, carrying the tray, and 
 her face wore a look of perfect composure. 
 
 "Gilbert says you would like to stay the night, 
 Miss Lacy. If you will, I can give you all you will 
 require, and perhaps you will enjoy going into town 
 to dinner with us. My little maid is out, and we had 
 planned that."
 
 no MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Oh, I should simply love it!" cried Maud glee- 
 fully. "Thank you ever so much, Mrs. Trent, but 
 mayn't I call you Hester? Please say I may call her 
 Hester, Gibbie, then I shall feel that we really are 
 going to be all pally together." 
 
 I saw a tremor cross Hester's face, and she busied 
 herself about the tea-table. Then, when Maud 
 repeated the question, she looked straight at her, 
 smiled quite sweetly, yet with some aloofness. 
 
 "In a little while, when we have known one 
 another longer, if you please," she said simply and 
 candidly. "I am a little old-fashioned and school- 
 marmy, perhaps, in some things. My husband will 
 tell you that." 
 
 I imagined it was Maud's turn to look a little 
 askance. It was not so much at Hester's refusal of 
 these outward tokens of an intimacy that did not, 
 and never could exist, as at the two words "my hus- 
 band." I know that now, though it did not occur 
 to me at the time. But there was invisible war in 
 the air, a sort of unacknowledged hostility between 
 these two women from the first moment of their 
 meeting. Afterwards it had to do with affairs, 
 but at first it was undoubtedly an enmity of the soul. 
 
 Maud laughed it off quickly. 
 
 "And I 'm afraid I 'm just the reverse very rapid 
 and up to date, Gibbie, eh? I keep rubbing my 
 eyes and asking myself whether it is actually you 
 shut up in this dear little hencoop with a wife of 
 your own, a responsible head of a house. I can't 
 help laughing about it, Mrs. Trent, really. I've
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE in 
 
 known him so long, and have so seldom seen him 
 serious." 
 
 ' ' Come now, Maud, do try to be serious for once. 
 Tell us something about Jersey. I hope your for- 
 eign travel has improved your mind." 
 
 "I've been living with another newly married 
 couple and taking copious notes," she said as she 
 helped herself to bread and butter. "It's really 
 most frightfully interesting to watch one's friends 
 in the new estate. They break out in all sorts of 
 unexpected places, but on the whole I think matri- 
 mony has a depressing effect on most people. They 
 look uncommonly as if they felt that they were in 
 a cage and did not know how to escape." 
 
 "Is that how we strike you?" inquired Hester, 
 smiling reassuringly across the table at me. Now 
 that she had faced the inevitable her serenity of 
 mind returned to her flawless. 
 
 She could not have disliked the situation more 
 heartily than I. 
 
 Most men, given choice, would place a wide gulf 
 between the woman of the past and the woman of 
 the present. We got through the evening not so 
 badly. About six o'clock we went by train to 
 London, and took a cab to Arundel Street. Out of 
 compliment to our guest we did not wear evening 
 dress, so that our little outing was shorn of part of 
 its charm. We loved playing at being rich and great, 
 and Hester was always ready to enter into the 
 spirit of happy fooling which does so much towards 
 brightening lives which might otherwise be a little
 
 ii2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 monotonous and gray. But that night she was 
 rather silent, partly, I suppose, because Maud chat- 
 tered so incessantly. She was really an amusing 
 companion, and her comments on men and things 
 always had a little point which just hit off their 
 weakness. She made use of one sentence, I thought, 
 with needless frequency. It was ' ' Do you remem- 
 ber this, Gibbie?" and "Do you remember that?" 
 until I was weary and irritated, besides fearful of 
 its effect on Hester. Somehow she managed to 
 convey the impression that before Hester and I met, 
 all my spare time had been spent with her, and that 
 our mutual past was simply a network of memories 
 from which neither of us could escape. 
 
 I tried to regard it lightly, to attribute it to Maud's 
 bad taste and inherent lack of good breeding, but 
 at the moment of writing I am inclined to put it 
 down to mere devilish cruelty. 
 
 She hated my wife; she was angry because I had 
 married her, not so much out of the desire to marry 
 me herself, as the grudging of a jealous nature which 
 always aimed at being first. 
 
 Contrasting the two women as they sat together 
 at the round table under the soft lights of the restau- 
 rant, I felt profoundly thankful that I had been 
 so fortunate as to win Hester for my wife. The 
 contrast between them was certainly marked to 
 poignancy. 
 
 Maud, with her high coloring and flashing, 
 rather bold eyes, always attracted the gaze of the 
 casual man, and most of them looked twice. Such
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 113 
 
 scrutiny never put her out; in fact she welcomed it 
 as her right. She knew that she was attractive, 
 and such unspoken flattery was the wine and incense 
 of her .life. In Helston she did not now receive 
 very much; she was too well known. My wife 
 was like a Madonna lily beside some brilliant exotic. 
 Her clear, pale face, which had nothing unhealthy 
 about it, her sweet, serious eyes, her very rare smile, 
 her air of daintiness and neatness, and above all 
 her complete unconsciousness of self seemed to 
 stand out that night. But she was not herself, 
 and I made a mighty resolve that we must take 
 measures to secure ourselves against any repetition, 
 or at least against too frequent repetitions of such 
 an experience. But I knew that if Maud once 
 established her foot inside our house, she would 
 know no weariness until she had worn us both out. 
 She was so insistent, so overpowering, so altogether 
 lacking in the finer sense of fitness. 
 
 The play we saw was a thing of no moment. 
 Having booked no seats and requiring three, we had 
 to take what we could find. I remember nothing of 
 it now but that it was a meretricious and vulgar 
 farce, dealing with the time-worn theme of a woman's 
 jealousy. I saw that Hester was wearied of it 
 before the close of the first act, though Maud followed 
 it with intense interest, and applauded vigorously at 
 every stupid point. 
 
 As we descended the stairs I had a sudden sense of 
 the aloofness and loneliness of my wife's spirit, and, 
 moved by an impulse of pure sympathy, I put my
 
 ii 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 arm caressingly about her waist, as if to pilot her 
 through the crowd on the rather dark staircase. 
 Immediately Maud's mocking voice whispered in 
 my right ear: 
 
 "No spooning in pub, Gibbie. It's bad lorm, and 
 there isn't any use making the other woman's mouth 
 water." 
 
 How I loathed the words and the suggestion they 
 contained! Hester heard all, or at least part, of the 
 words, for, with a little shrinking gesture, she drew 
 herself away, and there was a shadow in her eyes. It 
 was the beginning of the fear which never afterwards 
 slept. 
 
 It was nearly midnight when we got home, and 
 then Maud seemed in no haste for bed. She was a 
 night-bird by nature and habit, one of those whose 
 faculties are most alert and brilliant at the hour 
 when other people are conscious of fag. She took 
 a whisky-and-soda with me as a matter of course. 
 I saw that Hester was much astonished. 
 
 "Think I'm a rum one, Mrs. Gib," said Maud a 
 trifle recklessly. ' ' If you would try a sip, you would 
 feel ever so much better. It would bring the touch 
 of color you need to your face, wouldn't it, Gibbie? 
 You look most frightfully tired." 
 
 "I am going to bed," Hester announced, begin- 
 ning to move towards the door. 
 
 "All right, good night. I'll follow in a minute or 
 two, honest Injun. I just want to reel off a few 
 more old times with your husband. You won't 
 grudge me that, I'm sure."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 115 
 
 "It's time we were all abed," I said, rising and 
 beginning to put away the things in the sideboard. 
 Hester had already gone, and Maud rose and shut 
 the door. 
 
 "Oh, do let's have a bit of a pow-pow, Gibbie, or 
 I '11 wish I had n't come. I 've simply oceans of 
 things to say to you. Helston isn't the place it used 
 to be. You Ve managed to take something out of it 
 for us all, and things are so mighty dull at Hill Rise. 
 I simply can't bear myself there now. 
 
 "How is your mother, really, Maud?" I asked 
 interestedly. "I didn't think she was at all well 
 at the wedding." 
 
 "She grisles a bit, but you see the mater has had 
 such prime health she simply can't stand it if she 
 isn't O. K. It's really awfully dull since you went 
 away. I'll never be able to stick the winter down 
 there. I'd like to come to London." 
 
 4 ' What for ? There 's plenty for you to do at home 
 if only you '11 do it. Your mother ought to be getting 
 a rest now." 
 
 ' ' Housekeeping don't appeal to me. I couldn't do 
 this sort of thing," she answered with a wave of her 
 hand round the room. "I tell you what I think, 
 Gib. Girls should be taught something, given a 
 definite occupation if only to keep them out of mis- 
 chief. If they don't marry, what's to prevent the 
 most of them going to the dogs?" 
 
 There was nothing unusual about this remark. 
 Maud had never hesitated to call a spade a spade, 
 and the talk between us had often been like talk
 
 n6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 between men. But somehow I did not care about it 
 now. I had such a different environment ; already a 
 touch of Hester's fastidiousness tinged my thoughts. 
 I even wondered how I had ever thought Maud 
 Lacy's type of woman attractive for a moment. 
 Maud was quick enough. If she did not actually 
 guess my thought, she suspected its trend. She 
 yawned and threw her arms up. 
 
 "You're mighty slow, Gibbie. Heavens, what a 
 change in a couple of months! A nice tame cat 
 you '11 be in a couple of years. I could n't have be- 
 lieved it unless I had seen it with these bright eyes. 
 Well, good night; one more illusion gone, one more 
 tie snapped! Good night." 
 
 She looked at me rather daringly as our hands met, 
 and then she suddenly lifted her head and kissed me. 
 
 "I said I'd do it, and I have, but the flavor's 
 gone. Good night, old married man. I can't think 
 what you 've got in exchange for the freedom she 's 
 put in her pocket." 
 
 She went out as she said these words, and next 
 moment I heard the door of her room slam. 
 
 The atrocious bad taste of her remarks, the atmos- 
 phere she had created, filled me with unspeakable 
 disgust and loathing. I even put up my hand to 
 brush away the kiss she had left. I felt for the 
 moment that I could not go to my wife's room until 
 I had had a breath of pure air. I lifted the window 
 and put my head out into the cold, starry night and 
 let the frosty wind sweep through the room. 
 
 Then I sat down to take a composing smoke and
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 117 
 
 to ponder on what had happened. The one gleam 
 was that Maud, evidently deeply disappointed with 
 her first visit to us, would probably not care to repeat 
 it. I fervently hoped she would not. There was 
 not a chance of happiness or peace for us in her 
 vicinity. 
 
 I had seen how perturbed Hester's spirit had been 
 all the evening, and I could not foretell how she 
 might act in the future if she were often subjected to 
 this sort of thing. But I was very powerless. I 
 could not tell Maud she was unwelcome, and she was 
 not one to have an intuition in any direction other 
 than that which pleased herself. 
 
 When I got to our room, I found Hester sitting 
 up in bed reading. She had a little fluffy white wrap 
 about her shoulders, which seemed to accentuate her 
 delicacy of coloring, her pure sweetness. I felt 
 mightily moved. I got down on my knees by the 
 
 bed, and took her hands in mine, and bent my hot 
 
 >* 
 
 face on them. She smiled on me with the mother- 
 look in her eyes. 
 
 "What is it, dear?" she said caressingly, but 
 never had I felt her aloofness more. 
 
 " I 'm thanking God for you, my darling, my own 
 wife." 
 
 She bent her head low to mine, and for a moment 
 everything else was blotted out. 
 
 "Gilbert," she said suddenly when I rose, "will 
 you lock our door? I would like it locked to-night." 
 
 I understood and shared her feeling. I walked 
 across the room and softlv turned the key in the lock.
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 Immediately we settled in our new home we began 
 to attend the parish church of St. Luke's. I men- 
 tion this because her religious and church life 
 embodied so great a part of my wife's interests that 
 no portrait of her would be complete without it. 
 
 In less than a month's time the rector, the Rev. 
 Gabriel Jermyn, and his wife came to call. I was 
 summoned by Babette to come up from the bank, 
 and when I entered the room I experienced a moment 
 of painful and almost unconquerable shyness. Such 
 people had not hitherto come much within my region 
 of things. 
 
 I had been brought up rather godlessly. After 
 my mother's death my father dropped all church- 
 going, and we were outside the pale of ordinary 
 church life. Our Aunt Sophia, who brought us up, 
 was a Dissenter, and attended with exemplary 
 regularity the Congregational Chapel in Helston, of 
 which she was a shining light. Every evening there 
 seemed to be something on at that vigorous Bethel, 
 and our evening meal was always being hurried over 
 in consequence. My father never grumbled, how- 
 ever. If his sister chose to take her pleasure thus, 
 he was the last man to interfere. But he forbade 
 
 ill
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 119 
 
 her to take us. He had odd ideas about the rearing 
 of children, and thought that they should be allowed 
 to grow untrammelled and unfettered like flowers. 
 Aunt Sophia thought this a shocking idea, and she 
 tried to do her duty by private talks with us, austere 
 example, and by prayer. 
 
 All this did not affect me in the smallest degree. I 
 had little love for Aunt Sophia, and absolutely no 
 respect. To me she was merely a tiresome and un- 
 interesting necessity. She was as plain-looking as 
 my father was handsome. People who are pleasing 
 to look at have no idea of their power over the young 
 mind. It is an odd trait in the child's character that 
 while he will positively love and adore an ugly inani- 
 mate object, such as a battered wooden doll or the 
 mere remnant of a horse, he will not forgive ugliness 
 in a human being. It seems to outrage his sense 
 of fitness, and he seldom fails to make his opinion 
 known. I believe that Aunt Sophia, a good-living, 
 well-meaning sort of woman, had a very poor time of 
 it in our house. 
 
 My regular church-going, then, may be said to 
 have commenced with my marriage. It never 
 occurred to Hester that there was any other way of 
 spending the Sunday. I need not deny that I found 
 the new order of things a trifle irksome. 
 
 At Helston it had been my invariable custom to 
 sleep late, unless a golf match or other form of sport 
 took me early afield, to lounge about in the garden or 
 the house till our early dinner, and then to sally 
 forth on my own enjoyment for the rest of the day.
 
 120 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 The major part of my Sunday leisure had been spent 
 either with the Lacys, or with some member of their 
 family elsewhere. Hester imported her school regu- 
 larity of habit to England, and our Sundays were 
 examples of order and punctuality. We rose at 
 eight, by which hour Babette had already departed 
 to Mass. After she returned we breakfasted and got 
 ready in leisurely fashion for church. As I did not 
 work very strenuously in the week, I had no excuse 
 for not falling in with this ordained program, but 
 sometimes I was not very cordial about it. St. 
 Luke's was a most engaging place to worship in, 
 quite old enough to have tradition and memory 
 attached to it, and it possessed a very fine rood- 
 screen which admirers of church architecture trav- 
 elled considerable distances to see. The service was 
 rather ornate. Mr. Jermyn belonged to an old High 
 Church family, which could boast of several ecclesias- 
 tical dignitaries, and he had married the younger 
 daughter of a peer. He was a very earnest, simple, 
 sincere man, and his wife one of the most lovable of 
 women. My wife was at home in St. Luke's from 
 the first day she entered it ; her spirit simply nestled 
 amid congenial influences, which left me quite cold. 
 Jermyn was a tall, ascetic-looking individual with a 
 pale, intellectual face and piercing dark eyes. His 
 wife, the Hon. Mrs. Jermyn, as she was entitled to 
 be called, was just the opposite, short and plump and 
 fair, with a merry eye and a friendly manner which 
 set people at their ease at once. 
 
 Hester was talking animatedly when I entered the
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 121 
 
 room, and I could see that she felt both pleased and 
 at home with her new visitors. 
 
 "We are so glad to welcome you and Mrs. Trent 
 to Finchley," said Mrs. Jermyn as she shook hands 
 with me with a beaming smile. "And I am very 
 particularly glad to meet Mrs. Trent. She was born 
 in India, so was I. We shall have much in common, 
 I feel sure." 
 
 "But I remember so little of India," said Hester 
 quickly. "It is all like a dream. The only thing I 
 can really recall is my kind ayah, who was never 
 tired. I remember her sweet smile and her crooning 
 voice, and her soft velvet hand. I have often 
 wished I could find her again, to thank her for com- 
 forting me so much. I was such a queer, lonely 
 child, afraid of the dark, and of unkind people. I 
 always seemed to be shrinking away." 
 
 I regarded Hester in amazement, which divided 
 my attention, as I shook hands with the rector and 
 received his greeting. Never had I heard her so self- 
 revealing to strangers. Never even to me had she 
 voiced these childish memories. Her cheek was 
 softly flushed, her eyes glowing with a kind of sweet 
 radiance; her whole being seemed to live. The 
 rector immediately engaged me in eager, interested 
 talk about the prospects of the neighborhood and 
 all the changes that were imminent. I could see 
 that he partly regretted, even while he welcomed 
 them. 
 
 "We shall.be sorry to lose our remote and in- 
 dividual charm and become merely a suburb," he
 
 122 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 said frankly. ' ' But there will be compensations. I 
 hope that the new bank is prospering." 
 
 The women had already drawn themselves a little 
 apart, and were talking like intimate friends. I 
 assured him I had no reason to complain, though 
 I was bound to have an anxious year. 
 
 "All, but you are young, and you come at the 
 psychological moment," he said kindly. "There 
 must be something invigorating to all the faculties in 
 building up a new business. To create something 
 is to justify one's right to live." 
 
 They stayed to tea, and we had a very pleasant 
 hour together, but all the while I had the inner 
 consciousness that these people were not on my 
 plane. They talked of things which I only partially 
 understood; they had a code and an ideal which to 
 me was a sealed book. 
 
 But Hester responded to them apparently with 
 every fibre of her being. She was a new Hester, and 
 I felt a kind of dull jealousy that outside people 
 should be able to have such an effect upon her. 
 
 "Oh, Gilbert, aren't they lovely people?" she 
 cried when they had gone. ' ' I was so afraid of their 
 coming, in case it would make a difference to me in 
 church." 
 
 "What kind of difference could it possibly make 
 to you there?" I asked, much mystified. 
 
 "Oh, well, there are people it is better not to know 
 at close quarters. I have so much enjoyed Mr. 
 Jermyn's preaching, and I do believe that, generally 
 speaking, one gets more good from the average
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 123 
 
 clergyman when one knows nothing about him 
 personally." 
 
 I was much struck with the shrewdness of that 
 remark. 
 
 "After all, the poor beggars are mere men," I 
 said teasingly. 
 
 ' ' Oh, yes, of course, but some of them I have met 
 have not very high ideals. I can't think how any 
 man can dare to be a clergyman, aspire to teach and 
 to lead others, unless he is himself set apart." 
 
 "And you think Mr. Jermyn reaches this high 
 pinnacle?" 
 
 "I do think so. I have heard a good deal about 
 him already; in shops and places one hears things. 
 Everybody loves him, and they spend every penny 
 of their income in helping people. I am so glad we 
 have found such a church; it will be a tremendous 
 help, Gilbert. Don't you think so?" 
 
 I felt myself a little at a loss, since I could not 
 honestly answer that I expected or even needed any 
 help in that direction. 
 
 I got out of it by inquiring whether Mrs. Jermyn 
 had invited her to the Rectory. 
 
 "Oh, yes, of course. I shall call in the ordinary 
 way, and I shall so much like taking a little part in 
 the church work. She was telling me about her 
 mothers' meeting. She has it on Monday afternoons 
 over a hundred and they come, wet or fair. She 
 has asked me to go one Monday and help her with 
 it." 
 
 I looked a little askance at this. I had visions of
 
 i2 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Hester absorbed as Aunt Sophia had been in the 
 whole relentless mesh of church life. 
 
 "I haven't any very rooted objection, only please 
 don't let them make you forget your duty to the 
 poor heathen you have married. If it's missionary 
 effect you are after, there's quite a good field here." 
 
 I spoke banteringly, but there was an underlying 
 vein of truth in the words. But Hester refused to 
 take them seriously. At that time her belief in me 
 was absolute and unassailable. I don't think she 
 had even found out the worldliness of my spirit or 
 the material nature of my aspirations. 
 
 I should have been quite pleased to have started 
 our dual life on lines a little less exalted, and in my 
 innermost soul I felt rueful at beholding the long, 
 straight path in which I was expected to go. 
 
 But she was so dear and so charming with it all, 
 that not yet had the trammels of her spirit begun to 
 fret mine. 
 
 The glamour of the new-made husband was still 
 over my eyes. Then I had the hope of broadening 
 her mind, as I put it to myself, unaware that certain 
 convictions of her nature were so deeply rooted, so 
 inviolably a part of herself, that she would never set 
 them aside. 
 
 "How you love to miscall yourself, you wicked 
 boy ! ' ' she said, patting my cheek. " It is just for the 
 base purpose of hearing me say nice things. But I 
 am not going to this time." 
 
 I kissed her and ran downstairs to close my 
 accounts for the day with a light heart. Things were
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 125 
 
 going well with us, and it pleased me to think that 
 Hester had found some friends who would add to her 
 happiness. Among others we made through our 
 connection with St. Luke's Church, I must here 
 mention the Yuills, Scotch people from the neigh- 
 borhood of Dundee. He was a jute merchant, who 
 represented his firm in London, and went to his office 
 in town every day in the week except Sunday. His 
 full designation was Andrew Scrymegeour Yuill, 
 but his sister Christina, who kept house for him, 
 called him Andy, and the uncouth middle name was 
 left out, perhaps in consideration for Southern 
 tongues, which would never have mastered the 
 intricacies of its pronunciation. 
 
 He was a man about thirty-five, a long, gaunt, 
 powerful figure, who walked with a vigorous stride, 
 and possessed what is called a "golfing airm." 
 
 I met him first on the Totteridge Golf Links, where 
 I happened to be engaged in a foursome with him. 
 He was a first-rate golfer, with a style and swing 
 which were a matter of hopeless envy to me. He 
 explained it by telling me that his father had been 
 one of the most famous golfers ever seen on the links 
 of St. Andrews, and that he had been born, so to 
 speak, "gowfin." 
 
 He was a delightful chap, full of quiet fun, which 
 lost none of its point or pith because he so seldom 
 smiled. 
 
 He told me a few things about himself, and I soon 
 learned that he was in an excellent way of business, a 
 bachelor, and that he lived with his sister in one of
 
 126 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the most beautiful old-world houses in Totteridge 
 Lane, where he spent the few hours of leisure he could 
 spare from golf in the cultivation of orchids in a 
 small greenhouse. Next day his sister came to call. 
 She was a large, easy-going woman, with a broad, 
 kindly Scotch face, wore rich but not becoming 
 clothes, and had a heart big enough to hold the 
 whole world. When, soon after, Yuill directed his 
 sister to open their private and household account 
 with me, our friendship received a seal which was of 
 great value to me. I rather shocked Hester one day 
 by saying that we must cultivate the people who 
 were going to be of use to us, both financially and 
 socially, and that we didn't want a tribe of hangers- 
 on who would do nothing for us. 
 
 She looked at me with her big, serious eyes a trifle 
 ruefully. 
 
 "But, Gilbert, friendship can't be built on any 
 such basis. You don't cultivate friends for what you 
 are going to get out of them, but for purely im- 
 personal reasons." 
 
 "What are they, my dear?" 
 
 I spoke a trifle dryly, for I was feeling sore at the 
 moment because Hester had fought shy of calling on 
 some rich new people that had come to a house near 
 by, and whom I wanted to get as customers at the 
 bank. 
 
 "Well, because you love them, and because they 
 have some message for your soul," she answered 
 in one of those enigmatical sentences of which at 
 times I grew rather impatient. What a man admires
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 127 
 
 in a sweetheart sometimes irritates in a wife. Why 
 this should be so it is impossible to say, since the 
 wife should by all the laws of nature and logic be the 
 dearer person. 
 
 "We're in the prosaic nineteenth century, Hester, 
 and struggling hard to make a living in a barren 
 northern suburb. These ideas won't wash," I said 
 rather rudely. A little shadow seemed to droop over 
 her eyes at these words, but when I came in at tea- 
 time that afternoon she told me she had been to call 
 on the Bulstrodes. They never returned the call, 
 however, so that Hester's intuition concerning them 
 had been a perfectly true one. 
 
 I consoled her and myself, the only time we spoke 
 of them again, by saying that she had done the 
 right thing, and that it was necessary to leave no 
 stone unturned to ensure success in business. 
 
 "Some of the stones are better left in their places, 
 believe me, dear," she said quaintly. "When you 
 turn over a stone in the field, or on the road some- 
 times, you find things underneath you don't want 
 to see." 
 
 On the whole, however, we had a very successful 
 and happy first year, and at the end of it, when we 
 compared notes and had a sort of committee of ways 
 and means, we decided to congratulate ourselves. 
 The bank was now fully established, and my directors 
 had written that very day to express their complete 
 satisfaction with the manner in which I had fulfilled 
 their expectations. Their letter came by the first 
 post, and was of such importance that it dwarfed all
 
 128 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 others. We had not done talking about it, when 
 Hester, turning over the other letters as they lay on 
 the corner of the table, showed me one from Helston. 
 It was in Maud Lacy's handwriting, and somehow 
 I felt reluctant to open it. I may say here that she 
 had never paid another visit to us at Finchley, but, 
 meeting her one day in London accidentally, I had 
 taken her out to lunch. But I did not tell Hester 
 about that. After pondering the thing in my mind, 
 I decided not to mention it. Whether I was wise in 
 that I don't know. I hated to see the indefinable 
 expression cross her face which any allusion to or 
 even any thought of Maud would bring to her face. 
 I saw it now as she pushed the floridly addressed 
 envelope toward me. I opened it, assuring myself 
 that it could not be of a private nature, or Maud 
 would have found some other means of reaching me. 
 She knew that I had still an address at a small club 
 that had premises in St. James's Square, but I had 
 ceased going there since my marriage. I felt that 
 Hester's eyes were upon me as I perused the few 
 lines it contained. With considerable relief I pushed 
 it toward her. 
 
 ' ' Mrs. Lacy is very ill, they think dying ; she wants 
 to see me. I shall have to go to-day." 
 
 I jumped up, for I felt my heart fill at the thought 
 of losing my old friend. Hester rose, too, with 
 sympathy in her face, but somehow at the moment 
 I did not want sympathy from her. I brushed past 
 her and went off down to the bank without saying 
 another word. But in less than half an hour 1
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 129 
 
 was back again, repenting me of my momentary 
 indifference. 
 
 "Sorry I went off as I did, old woman, but this is 
 a knock-down blow. You've no idea what that 
 woman was to me, Hester, the only mother I ever 
 knew." 
 
 "I am sorry, dear, very sorry," she said quietly, 
 but her voice was full of sympathy. 
 
 "I'm going down by the twelve- twenty care to 
 come? You could go to Jane. She'd only be too 
 glad. We have never redeemed that promise made 
 when she was here last. Do come." 
 
 Her face brightened. 
 
 "Oh, I should like to, if you really want me, 
 Gibbie," she answered, and somehow the words 
 sounded pathetically. I did not then understand 
 how deeply she felt about the Lacys, or how she 
 was struggling against a natural jealousy of their 
 influence over me. All that I was to learn later, 
 when the full record of her hidden life was before me. 
 
 She went off to get ready, pleased as a child, and 
 we journeyed to King's Cross, where we got the 
 Helston train. 
 
 We went together to my father's house, and sur- 
 prised him and Jane at lunch. 
 
 Both seemed extraordinarily pleased to see us. 
 My father, I may say, had spoken very warmly and 
 appreciatively of Hester on the solitary occasion 
 he visited us at Finchley for the week-end, and had 
 particularly enjoined upon me the necessity of cher- 
 ishing the jewel I had won.
 
 i 3 o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 ' ' She 's finer fibre than the women you 've known 
 up to now, boy. See that you know how to handle 
 her. A wound to that spirit won't heal quickly." 
 
 These words had surprised me a good deal at the 
 time in fact, I had had a good many surprises 
 lately. But then what is life, after all, but a series 
 of surprises, of unexpected happenings? And even 
 when the unexpected is poignant beyond endurance 
 it accentuates the interest of the astonishing expe- 
 rience called life. 
 
 "They had two specialists down yesterday at Hill 
 Rise," Jane explained in answer to my question 
 about Mrs. Lacy. "But they can't do anything. 
 It seems she has known about it for quite a long time, 
 long before the ball even, but she has never told 
 any one." 
 
 I looked a trifle guilty, for she had told me, and I 
 had done nothing beyond urging her to rest. 
 
 "But they don't say that it would have done any 
 good, do they?" I asked in a tone which my deep 
 feeling rendered curt and even harsh. 
 
 "I don't think they said that, but I'm so sorry 
 for them Mr. Lacy is quite distracted. The chil- 
 dren came from Brussels last night. It is such a 
 pity Ned has gone to America for his honeymoon. 
 He can't possibly be back in time. It was after the 
 wedding she really collapsed." 
 
 I rose from the table and pushed back my chair. 
 I had had enough to eat, and immediately left the 
 room and went off to Hill Rise. 
 
 I called in at the shop first, on the off-chance of
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 131 
 
 finding Mr. Lacy, but was told that he had not 
 been there for three days. 
 
 My thoughts were mournful as I walked up the 
 familiar way between the two long lines of branch- 
 ing trees already yellow and brown with the tints 
 of autumn. When Alice admitted me to the house I 
 saw that she had been crying. Her tears started 
 afresh at sight of me. 
 
 "No, she ain't any better, sir; she can't live more 
 than a few hours. Oh, it 's terrible for us all. No- 
 body ever had a better mistress." 
 
 Hearing the voices, Mr. Lacy came out of the 
 dining room and wrung my hand in silence. He was 
 greatly changed. His fine presence seemed to have 
 shrunk, his ruddy, cheerful face was haggard and 
 wan, his eyes heavy with tears. 
 
 "I'll never get over this, Gilbert, never! The 
 Almighty has dealt hardly with me! Everybody 
 loved her, and this house will go to pieces without 
 her." 
 
 Never were words more prophetic. In less than 
 a year they were proven to the uttermost. We see 
 this sometimes when a wife and mother is taken, 
 and it is then we realize the enormous power of 
 womanhood, its inexplicable and inexhaustible influ- 
 ence. Mr. Lacy did not go upstairs with me. 
 
 "Fact is, Gibbie, I'm better out of the room. I 
 do nothing but cry like a baby, and that upsets her. 
 Say what you can to comfort her. It's hard, by 
 God, it 's hard, for she does n't want to die, and we 
 can't spare her."
 
 i 3 2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I could have cried out at the sad change a few 
 weeks had wrought in the appearance of my old 
 kind friend. She smiled at me, however, with some- 
 thing of the old sweetness, and when I bent down 
 to kiss her hands I left them wet with my tears. 
 
 "Dear Gilbert, it was kind of you to come. I am 
 pleased to see you, because I have just strength to 
 say a few things to you. Sit down." 
 
 I drew a chair forward ; the hospital nurse, after a 
 word of warning to me not to stop too long, left us. 
 
 "How is your wife?" 
 
 "Quite well; she is in Helston. I left her at my 
 father's." 
 
 "I am so pleased you are so nicely settled, Gilbert. 
 She is such a good woman. I am sure she will make 
 you the kind of home that is best for you. I am so 
 sorry to leave Bob and the children. I've had a 
 happy life. I don't think I would have a single thing 
 altered in it." 
 
 I tried to say something, but could not. 
 
 " I 'm not very anxious about any of the children 
 except Maud. Audrey will be so good for Ned. She 
 will make a man of him. I was so glad to be kept 
 up for the wedding, and I am really quite glad they 
 are so far away that they can't come. I am depend- 
 ing greatly on Carrie to look after her father and the 
 rest. Carrie is so good; you have no idea, Gilbert; 
 I have thanked God for her every day just now. She 
 thinks of everybody, and does everything, and is so 
 calm and brave. I want you to give an eye to Cyril. 
 He will be settled in London lodgings next month.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 133 
 
 Ask Hester to be kind, and ask him out sometimes 
 on Sundays. Now we come to Maud " 
 
 She looked at me with a kind of pathetic kindness. 
 
 "I don't grudge you your happiness, Gilbert, 
 but I should have died easier if Maud had been your 
 wife. She ought to be married. I can't think why 
 she hasn't. She 's twenty-seven now. Single, she's 
 dangerous to the peace of a great many people, do 
 you understand ? ' ' 
 
 I understood perfectly, but I evaded the question. 
 
 "She'll marry, right enough, and probably soon," 
 I said quickly. "Don't worry. Anyhow, she's 
 entirely capable of looking after herself." 
 
 "Oh, yes, I wish she were a little less capable, 
 and God forgive me if I misjudge her, but she seems 
 to have so little heart. She is so flippant about 
 everything, and her ideas on moral questions are 
 rather loose. I can't think where she got them, 
 for her father and I have always been most strict. 
 How does that sort of nature come into a family, 
 I wonder?" 
 
 I shook my head. All my concern was that she 
 should be so anxious and so troubled, and I wanted 
 to reassure her. 
 
 "If she could be friends, real friends, with your 
 wife, Gibbie, it might be good for her. Just now I 
 don't make her out at all. She hardly ever comes 
 into my room. I try to think she feels it all so des- 
 perately that she can't bear it, but, after all, that 
 is just a form of selfishness. Carrie suffers quite as 
 much, but crushes it down, because there is so much
 
 i 3 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 to do for me." She closed her eyes and lay still and 
 silent for a few moments. 
 
 "It's all such a mystery, Gilbert, isn't it, life and 
 death and the hereafter? I can't say I feel much 
 afraid, only I don't know or believe anything. I 
 mean I don't feel sure, don't you know, about 
 Heaven and all the things our religion teaches us. 
 But I have tried to be kind to as many people as I 
 could, and I feel as if God would not judge me 
 hardly on the other side." 
 
 I broke down then and tried to tell her of all she 
 had been to me and to others I had known, and I 
 think it comforted her a little. 
 
 But there was no sort of triumph or assurance 
 about her deathbed. 
 
 She was sorry to go, only just resigned to the 
 inevitable, and no more. It was all too painful. 
 I felt my heart heavy as lead as I kissed her and went 
 out of the room, bowing to the inexorable decree of 
 the nurse. I was asking her a few questions when 
 Maud came out of her room which was on the other 
 side of the landing. 
 
 She was rather paler than usual, and her eyes 
 shone hard and bright. 
 
 "So it's you, Gilbert. Heard you were expected. 
 Very good of you, I'm sure, to come down to this 
 dismal house. Rotten, I call it, perfectly rotten; 
 why can't people go on living till they are quite 
 old, and then sleep away? All this makes life 
 hideous. It 's.inartistic, to begin with, and altogether 
 horrible t"
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 135 
 
 I felt no inclination to linger and talk to her. Her 
 point of view repelled me too much. I murmured 
 something, and with a hasty good-bye went out of 
 the house. 
 
 Mrs. Lacy died next day.
 
 CHAPTER VIII 
 
 Within a year the grave in old Helston churchyard 
 was reopened for Mr. Lacy. His was one of the rare 
 instances of a perfect love and devotion on the hus- 
 band's part. No child, however attentive and 
 devoted, could make up for what he had lost; life 
 without her became intolerable, so he died. 
 
 Physicians assure us that mind has so much con- 
 trol over matter that it is possible to will to live. 
 Mr. Lacy was an instance of mind ordaining that 
 life was no longer worth living. There was no 
 tragedy. He simply slackened his hold, allowed 
 himself to drift out, to use my father's words, 
 "having lost the mainspring, the watch stopped." 
 
 I do not defend Mr. Lacy's action, because, 
 looked at from the ordinary standpoint, he had much 
 to live for his six children, some of them young, 
 his business, the place he had made for himself 
 in his native town. I simply relate it as an odd 
 instance of the relentless forces which suddenly 
 swoop down upon a man, and also because the 
 death of my old friends within a year of one another 
 had an important effect on my own life. 
 
 To my surprise, I found myself one of the 
 trustees under Mr. Lacy's will. He had occasionally 
 
 136
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 137 
 
 consulted me about investments of late years. I may 
 mention without vanity that I was very successful 
 in guiding my client's interests in such directions, 
 but I had not an intimate knowledge of his affairs. 
 
 It was after the funeral, on a bitter January day, 
 in the dining room at Hill Rise, that the will was 
 read, and I learned for the first time that Mr. Lacy 
 had accumulated a considerable fortune. 
 
 He had left, outside of the business, which was in 
 a flourishing condition, the sum of forty-five thousand 
 pounds. This, divided among five children (for 
 Ned, receiving the business and the house, was left 
 out of the monetary legacies), was a comfortable 
 competency for each child. Ned and I were left 
 sole executors with full powers to act for the minors. 
 Thus it was ordained that I should not sever my 
 connection with the Lacys, but, on the contrary, 
 be more associated with them than ever. 
 
 During the last year I had been several times at 
 Helston without Hester, who was not then very able 
 to travel about, and had ample opportunity of 
 observing how matters were going with the house- 
 hold. 
 
 Though Maud was the eldest of the family, it 
 was Carrie who took charge and care of it all. Dur- 
 ing that year Maud was very restless and unsettled ; 
 the quiet enjoined by their mourning was irksome 
 to her, the whole sad change that had swept over 
 their outlook and environment hateful. 
 
 She had said so to me quite frankly on more than 
 one occasion when I saw her both in Helston and in
 
 138 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 London. She had rather a fine singing voice, and 
 in order to fill up the gap and give her something 
 definite to do, she began to take lessons from a 
 first-rate teacher in London, paying for them out 
 of the handsome allowance her father made her for 
 dress. 
 
 Being in deep mourning, she did not need so many 
 changes of raiment, and evidently she had set her 
 heart on her new pursuit, and was determined to 
 succeed in it. She had even the idea of making her 1 
 debut on the concert platform in due course. The 
 income she would now receive from her father's 
 legacy would remove every obstacle from her path. 
 
 I knew her sufficiently well to be assured she would 
 not permit any real or fancied obligation to her young 
 brother and sisters to stand in her way. 
 
 I saw her eye brighten when the will was read, and, 
 leaning across the table, she spoke to old Grigsby, 
 the Helston lawyer, rather quickly: 
 
 "Does that mean that we have eight thousand 
 pounds each for our sole use and benefit, Mr. 
 Grigsby?" 
 
 "Yes, Miss Lacy, about that." 
 
 I saw her clasp her nervous hands. 
 
 "Oh, good! I am very thankful! It will make 
 everything easy!" 
 
 She spoke with a softer note in her voice, and I 
 believe that at the moment she actually blessed the 
 parent who had devoted the whole fruits of his toil 
 to the benefit of the children. 
 
 Of the remaining five thousand pounds, two were
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 139 
 
 to be used for the immediate purposes of the business, 
 and the balance was devoted to charitable legacies 
 and remembrances to certain employees. It was 
 a very just and well-considered will, carefully 
 thought out in every detail. Many thought that 
 Ned received the lion's share, and certainly he is 
 now a millionaire, but apparently Mr. Lacy had 
 thought it all out carefully, and, of course, the sub- 
 sequent developments of the business were mainly 
 owing to Ned's enterprise and foresight, which he 
 began to exhibit in a marked degree after he became 
 the responsible head of the concern. 
 
 Mrs. Ned was there that day, a striking and ele- 
 gant figure in her deep mourning, which she wore 
 with that indefinable distinction you see in the well- 
 bred. Between her and Maud there was a great 
 gulf fixed, and not the smallest attempt at intimacy 
 or even friendliness was made. Maud heartily 
 hated and envied her somewhat aristocratic sister- 
 in-law, and openly pitied Ned for having so rapidly 
 become, in her favorite parlance, ''a tame cat." 
 
 But his marriage was far and away the best event 
 in Ned Lacy's life. He was caught just at the critical 
 moment, when he had begun to deteriorate both 
 mentally and morally, and she lifted him high to 
 a safe place. 
 
 They had now a beautiful little son, six months old, 
 and fatherhood had added the crowning touch to 
 his nature. I conceived a new respect for him that 
 day, and could even imagine him in years to come a 
 man something like his father, cherishing high ideals
 
 i 4 o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 of public and private responsibility, and leaving his 
 mark upon his own place. 
 
 It was easy to see that in his handsome, highly 
 bred wife he had a pilot that would suffer his ship 
 of fate to make no mistakes nor to deviate a hair's 
 breadth from the proper course. 
 
 The younger children exhibited little interest in 
 the financial part of the scheme, though Cyril was 
 evidently glad that he would be able to pursue his 
 career in peace. He had taken up electrical engi- 
 neering, then in its infancy, and seemed likely to 
 achieve much success in it. 
 
 Hill Rise being left to Ned's wife as a free gift, it 
 became a question where the rest of the family were 
 to live. There was a codicil to the will indicating 
 that if after consultation it would seem a suitable 
 arrangement, they might go back to the house above 
 the shop. Every one except Maud grasped the 
 idea with evident delight. 
 
 They had all loved the old, wide family house with 
 its wainscoted rooms, rambling passages, and lovely 
 old garden behind, and Carrie at least had never felt 
 herself at home in Hill Rise. 
 
 "I should like that," she said quietly. "I hope 
 that we shall be allowed to go back to the High 
 Street. It would be lovely, wouldn't it, Maud?" 
 
 Maud shook her head. 
 
 "Personally I should hate it, but you arrange it 
 as you like, Carrie; I shall be very little at home." 
 
 Quite coolly did Maud abdicate, renounce her 
 position as head of the motherless household,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 141 
 
 finally shift her whole responsibility to Carrie's 
 shoulders, just as she had done through all the past 
 year. 
 
 Their mother had made no mistake. It was 
 Carrie who kept together the remnants of the home, 
 and I seemed to behold her in years to come, still 
 keeping it together, and being mother and sister in 
 one to the three younger ones. 
 
 Before I went to get my train rather late that 
 evening, Maud asked me to come up to her little 
 den in the turret of the Rise. 
 
 "You can easily wait till the half -past nine; 
 you'll get home by eleven, Gibbie. I want to ask 
 you a few questions about this money. What is 
 the utmost, properly invested, it will bring me in?" 
 
 "Well, if you take speculative risks, but that I 
 never advise for women who don't understand busi- 
 ness, you might get five hundred a year out of it." 
 
 "Oh, good! Take speculative risks! Why, of 
 course I will. That's my nature! I was never a 
 humdrum sort of person, thank God! I want to 
 live. Now I'll have my chance." 
 
 "You won't stop in Helston, then?" 
 
 "Good Heavens, no; what do you take me for? 
 I've just been waiting for my release." 
 
 I looked at her oddly. Never had she appeared 
 more handsome. The black clothes, unbecoming 
 to the sallow and plain, eminently suited her rich 
 coloring, seemed even to soften and glorify it, and 
 at the same time to give her an indefinable touch of 
 dignity.
 
 i 4 2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "But you're the eldest daughter. What about 
 the others?" 
 
 "The others oh, they must look to Carrie. It's 
 the sort of thing she's cut out for. She's run the 
 show all the last year, and she simply loves it. You 
 can't imagine me doing that, can you, Gilbert?" 
 
 I was obliged to reply that I could not. 
 
 "I think it's quite a good idea going back to the 
 old show. I can see the kids like it. I '11 run down 
 and see them often, I expect." 
 
 "Then you will go to London?" 
 
 "For a time at least, and then to Leipzig or to 
 Italy for my art. It will depend on what Madame 
 Bauermeister advises." 
 
 "So you mean to cut yourself off entirely from 
 them?" 
 
 "Not entirely, but every one is entitled to live the 
 independent life as seems good in his or her sight. 
 I 've had just about as much as I can stick of Helston. 
 I'll take a flat in London, I think." 
 
 I made no comment on this item of information, 
 and Maud, sitting down with her elbows on her knees, 
 looked across the narrow floor space at me. 
 
 "Isn't it queer how things fall out? Little more 
 than a year ago we were all grubbing along here, and 
 getting a good deal of fun out of things. Soon we '11 
 be scattered to the four winds of Heaven. It seems 
 positively centuries since Carrie's coming-out ball." 
 
 ' ' Indeed it does, ' ' I admitted readily enough. She 
 narrowed her brows and smiled a little at this 
 admission.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 143 
 
 "Has it seemed long to you, too, but it ought not? 
 Is the cage fretting you too?" 
 
 "No, indeed," I said indignantly; "it is only that 
 a great many big things seem to be happening in a 
 very short space of time." 
 
 "Your father will be the next, I suppose, in the 
 ordinary course of things," she observed cheerfully; 
 "then what will become of Jane?" 
 
 "Time enough to consider when the deluge comes. 
 I must positively go now, or I '11 miss my train." 
 
 "The missus all right yet?" she asked carelessly 
 as I turned to leave the room. 
 
 "She was all right when I left at noon, thank 
 you." 
 
 "I haven't asked the most important question yet, 
 after all. How soon does this money begin to be 
 paid, for I 'm in a hurry to leave Helston?" 
 
 "Old Grigsby is the person to ask; you can go and 
 interview him to-morrow morning." 
 
 ' ' I will, and don't you mistake it. I 'm rather glad 
 you're my trustee, Gilbert. You won't be able to 
 get rid of me entirely, even yet," she added mischie- 
 vously. ' ' I think you 'd better not say anything to 
 the missus about it. She doesn't like me, you know, 
 and she'll think I 've had a hand in it." 
 
 I don't know what made Maud say such a thing at 
 the moment. I felt my face redden, but I did not 
 make any answer. 
 
 Ned walked with me to the station, but left me 
 before the train came in, as he had something to do 
 in the town. As I was walking to and fro enjoying
 
 144 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the first pipe I had had that day, somebody tapped 
 my arm, and, turning quickly, I saw Hubert Parfitt. 
 I had already met him at the churchyard, but we had 
 done no more than exchange greetings. 
 
 "How are you getting along, Trent?" he asked, 
 his handsome, boyish face wearing a very friendly 
 look. ' ' I felt pleased to see you to-day. I hope your 
 wife is quite well." 
 
 "She is quite well, thank you," I answered, rather 
 surprised at the extreme friendliness of his tone. 
 
 "It's awfully sad, isn't it, about the Lacys? 
 rather a knock-down blow for the family." 
 
 "It is indeed." 
 
 "What are they going to do?" he asked rather 
 eagerly. "I hope you won't mind my asking. It 
 is n't mere curiosity. I happen to be interested. I 
 hope it won't mean that they will leave Helston." 
 
 "Oh, no. It is Mr. Lacy's desire that the younger 
 ones should go back to the old home above the shop. 
 Ned and his wife are to have the house on the hill," 
 I answered, fully aware that I was not betraying any 
 confidence, as the draft of the will would undoubtedly 
 appear in the Helston Gazette, if not that week, then 
 next, without fail. "They are left very well off 
 indeed, and there is no cause for anxiety about them." 
 
 Parfitt looked relieved. I absolved him from any 
 other motive, for his own people were very well off, 
 and he was the heir to Gresley, one of the finest 
 residential estates in that rich county. 
 
 We began to walk up and down the platform, and 
 he offered me a cigar. I took it rather absently,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 145 
 
 feeling a little remote from Helston at the moment, 
 and wishing myself safely at home. We were daily 
 expecting the advent of our first child, an event which 
 gives a man a good deal of anxiety beforehand. 
 
 "So they are going back to the old house? I sup- 
 pose Miss Lacy will take charge." 
 
 "I don't think so. She's going to start out after 
 a career." 
 
 ' ' Oh ! " he said blankly. ' ' What kind of a career ?' ' 
 
 "Musical, I believe." 
 
 "But it hardly seems fair. Is her sister to bear 
 the whole burden of looking after the younger ones? " 
 he asked rather indignantly. 
 
 "Yes, but it isn't a new thing. She's been doing 
 it ever since her mother died." 
 
 "I know, and it's a shame. I can't understand 
 Miss Lacy ; she does n't seem to have common 
 feeling. It's a positive shame the way they all put 
 on that little girl, and she's so decent about it." 
 
 I smiled a trifle as I turned my head away. The 
 cat was out of the bag. It was anxiety about Carrie, 
 pure and simple, which was at the root of Parfitt's 
 desire to know things. 
 
 "It's open to you to take her out of it," I said on 
 the spur of the moment. 
 
 It was rather a presumptuous thing to say, and I 
 don't know why I did, but he took it quite well. 
 
 "It's just what I mean to do as soon as I can 
 get things sorted out. But my people you know 
 Trent, hang it all, they 're standing out for all they 
 are worth." 
 
 10
 
 i 4 6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I was not surprised to hear that. What did sur- 
 prise me was that Parfitt should give me his confi- 
 dence. True, many men had done so, and always 
 unsought. I suppose I possessed in some degree the 
 quality of sympathy, and I was certainly always 
 interested. I can't explain it any other way. 
 
 "I'm most awfully glad to hear you feel that way 
 about her. Parfitt Carrie Lacy is one of the best. 
 The man who gets her is to be envied." 
 
 I spoke no more than I believed, but it seemed to 
 touch Parfitt, and we shook hands rather solemnly. 
 I am sure that one or two people on the platform must 
 have wondered at this unusual act, for the train 
 was not signalled yet, and we could not, therefore, 
 be supposed to be saying good-bye. 
 
 "But I'll never give her up, and I think they're 
 beginning to realize it," he said quietly as we began 
 to walk again. "But she's so keen on duty and all 
 that. She'd think nothing of keeping me waiting 
 till she got the last one brought up." 
 
 I laughed a little at his rueful tone. 
 
 ' ' Well, you 're both young enough, Parfitt ; you can 
 afford to wait a year or two," I said. "I wish you 
 luck; here's the train coming. Good-bye." 
 
 We shook hands again quite warmly, and he ran 
 forward to meet some one who came off the rear 
 carriage. It was a non-stop train to King's Cross, 
 which I reached about ten minutes past ten o'clock. 
 Then I had twenty minutes to wait for the Finchley 
 train, so that it was quite eleven before I reached 
 my own house. Glancing up as I crossed the road,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 147 
 
 I saw all the windows ablaze with light, and then I 
 positively ran. 
 
 The first person I encountered on the stairs was 
 the doctor's surgery boy, who looked at me sym- 
 pathetically and said he had just been taking the 
 doctor's bag. 
 
 I pushed past him and tore into the house. It 
 was quite quiet. In the dining-room doorway stood 
 Miss Yuill, looking rather scared. 
 
 "I'm glad to see you home, Mr. Trent. I was just 
 praying you would not be stopping this night away 
 from your own house. Mrs. Trent was taken ill not 
 long after you left this morning, and I 've been with 
 her most of the day." 
 
 "Do you mean that the baby's here?" I asked 
 desperately, and was about to go toward Hester's 
 room when she pulled me back. 
 
 "No, no, my man, but please God it soon will be. 
 The doctor has been backward and forward all the 
 afternoon, and the nurse has been here since four 
 o'clock. Everything's just going on fine, and your 
 wife 's as brave as she can be. Come in and get a bite 
 of something." 
 
 "I want to see her. Can't I go in?" 
 
 "No, you can't now. The doctors are both there. 
 Come in and content yourself; everything's being 
 done that is necessary, and there isn't a blessed thing 
 for you to do but wait." 
 
 I paced the floor like a lion in a cage, while the 
 big, kindly Scotchwoman eyed me with a good deal 
 of sympathy.
 
 i 4 8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Hasn't Hester been asking for me?" I asked 
 desperately. 
 
 1 ' Not so very much ; you see, she 's had something 
 else to take up her time with," she answered quaintly. 
 "No, there isn't a single thing wrong, or other than 
 it should be, and it may even be several hours before 
 the bairn is born. Try and be calm. She'd like you 
 to be calm, wouldn't she?" 
 
 I strained my ears, and when I heard a moan I 
 looked at her imploringly. She just smiled. 
 
 ' ' Oh, that 's nothing. Sit down and take off your 
 boots. I '11 pop out and ask at the door for you, if 
 you like, but I assure you you are the very last person 
 they want bothering them just now. I Ve observed 
 that there are two days in a man's life when he is of 
 no account, Mr. Trent the day he is married, and 
 the day his first bairn arrives." 
 
 The hours seemed interminable. I think it was 
 about three in the morning when they came and told 
 me it was all over, but that the baby, a fine boy, was 
 dead. I did not care for that at the moment; all 
 my concern was for Hester. I was permitted to 
 creep softly across the floor to her bedside by and by, 
 and to bend over her with passionate eyes and a 
 bursting heart. 
 
 She was so white and worn, so spent with her 
 suffering, and her eyes filled with tears. 
 
 "I'm so sorry, dear," she said softly, as if apolo- 
 gizing for some fault. 
 
 They drew me back before I could say all I wanted. 
 I was only allowed one kiss.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 149 
 
 A little later, as we had a whisky-and-soda 
 together, Dr. Fletcher told me that it was unlikely 
 that Hester would have another child.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 No man could enter into the feelings of a woman 
 who endures the pangs of childbirth and forgoes its 
 high reward. When the hope which has sustained 
 her through all the trying months is quenched in the 
 supreme effort, it requires no ordinary kind of 
 courage to readjust her thoughts. Hester was very 
 brave, and did not suffer me to see how much she 
 felt it. My own disappointment was frank and keen, 
 and it was accentuated by the dreary fact commu- 
 nicated to me by Fletcher on that night of crucial 
 anxiety. I am still in doubt as to the wisdom of 
 his candor. It burdened me with a secret which 
 I had carefully to guard from my wife, knowing 
 what it would mean to her. We were both passion- 
 ately fond of children, and the knowledge that our 
 home could never now be brightened by them filled 
 me with dismay. 
 
 I tried to hope against hope, and it was a subject 
 of which we never spoke to one another. But as 
 time went on, and Hester's hopes were gradually 
 quenched, I saw, or imagined I saw, that her fine 
 spirit drooped. 
 
 The distribution of children is one of the most 
 baffling facts of existence. They come unasked, 
 
 150
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 151 
 
 unexpected, sometimes unwelcome in quarters where 
 their advent complicates life; the poor man has his 
 quiver full of them; the people least fitted to be 
 parents are overburdened with their responsibility. 
 And meanwhile the cry of the childless home and 
 the yearning of the barren woman go up to Heaven. 
 
 In all my experience I have never met a woman 
 more richly endowed by nature for motherhood than 
 my own wife. She was quite healthy, her mind was 
 sanely balanced, her outlook fine, her heart as wide 
 and deep as the sea. Yet she was denied the joy that 
 would have filled all the empty spaces of her being, 
 and was reduced to loading one poor ship beyond the 
 water-line with all the splendid hope and affection 
 of which she was capable. 
 
 I was not worthy to be the pivot and centre of 
 such affection. I never earned or deserved a tithe 
 of the rich largess that was poured upon me. Hester 
 was undemonstrative, her love expressed itself rather 
 in deeds than words, in a faithful and almost slavish 
 devotion which even the best of men occasionally 
 find irksome. Yet with it there was just sufficient 
 aloofness to give dignity to her personality. And 
 her pride was high, oh, very high ! She could suffer 
 in silence, go down to death if need be with the 
 wound in her heart, but voice it to the vulgar crowd, 
 or even to one intimate friend, a thousand times no ! 
 
 She made herself busy with church affairs, and 
 began to take an active part in parish work. I was 
 pleased that this should be so, for I had ceased to 
 fear that she would become too much absorbed.
 
 152 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 But it was a region into which I did not care to 
 accompany or to follow her. If I had been brought 
 to book I should have had to confess myself frankly 
 pagan. The only part of the service which appealed 
 to me was the music, and that I could have got else- 
 where. Of the sustaining and immortal truth for 
 which the service stood, of the true worship of the 
 soul which renders it partly immune from the assaults 
 of fate, I was as ignorant as a babe unborn. And, 
 further, I was in my innermost heart a scoffer. I 
 believed in nothing but material things. 
 
 This makes the mystery and the injustice of my 
 childless home more inexplicable. A child might 
 have saved me, for few men can look into the heaven 
 of a child's eyes and deny the higher Heaven whence 
 that pure spirit has come. 
 
 I threw myself heart and soul into the business of 
 the bank, extended its operations in every direction, 
 and more than realized the confidence placed in me 
 by my directors. 
 
 I was particularly successful in the lending of 
 money to reliable clients, which, handled with skill 
 and integrity, is one of the richest assets of banking 
 business. This department brought me into contact 
 with all sorts and conditions of men, took me behind 
 the scenes in many lives, introduced me to much 
 tragedy of a more or less sordid kind. 
 
 Such experience is bound to have its somewhat 
 deadening effect on the soul of a man, and I easily 
 understood how the money lender pure and simple 
 can become a creature without bowels of compassion.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 153 
 
 One has to be deaf to appeal, almost impervious to 
 pity, to be inexorable in demanding the pound of 
 flesh. 
 
 I did not speak at all to Hester about that part of 
 my business, though some of it she learned from 
 outside sources. 
 
 She sometimes pleaded with me to help this one or 
 another ; then I would point out to her with the good- 
 natured tolerance of a man who has little respect for 
 a woman's business knowledge how impossible it 
 would be to conduct the affairs of men on any such 
 lines. 
 
 I was hard in business, I confess it frankly, hard 
 and keen as nails, and, of course, the success which 
 usually follows on such a policy came to me in due 
 course. 
 
 When we had been five years at Finchley I was 
 sent for one day by my directors. I could see that 
 Hester was a little anxious about that letter. She 
 looked at me apprehensively across the breakfast- 
 table. Our eyes met, and I smiled encouragingly, 
 at the same time suddenly struck by the fact that 
 Hester looked older than her years. 
 
 She was now thirty-two, and had lost her plump- 
 ness of figure, something of her soft brilliance. Her 
 features had hardened a little; she was altogether 
 more matured. But the pathos and appeal of her 
 eyes had suffered no hurt. Sometimes my own fell 
 before them, conscious of my own inner unworthiness 
 even when I had done no wrong. I find it difficult to 
 put into words the sort of unexpressed reproach that
 
 iS4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 my wife managed to convey to me without any effort 
 of will on her part. It was the appeal which a fine 
 nature constantly and intuitively makes to one lower 
 down the plane, as it were. I do not know whether 
 I make myself understood, but I always felt somehow 
 that I did not reach my wife's standard. Yet she 
 never, or at least seldom, criticized any of my doings 
 or words. Hester preached, never with her mouth, 
 but constantly and eloquently by her life. I frankly 
 confess that I often felt irked by it, and even longed 
 for a different environment, for some outlet for my 
 baser enjoyment. I loved theatres and music halls, 
 and the flow and the verve of life, the clink of glasses, 
 and the laughter of women, and sometimes the some- 
 what gray monotony of our quiet life palled upon me. 
 Somehow it was mostly Hester's friends who came 
 about the house, and though I made them welcome, 
 I had no part nor lot with them. I liked the Yuills 
 very well, and had a tremendous respect for old 
 Yuill's business ability; he could give me points in 
 financial affairs. Yet his masterly handling of them 
 had left his sound, fine nature untouched. His 
 heart was big and tender as a child's. But the 
 other men I had got to know in business and on the 
 Totteridge Golf Course (which alone saved me from 
 despair) did not feel at home in my house. Hester 
 asked them to dinner, and they spent a quiet evening 
 at whist, with a little music, but they seldom came 
 again. Something about her chilled them. I know 
 now that she was not in her proper environment, 
 and that though we loved one another dearly, our
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 155 
 
 marriage, looked at squarely in the face, had not 
 been a success. But we never looked it squarely in 
 the face. Who dares to do that? It is better not. 
 The naked truth is at all times an unlovable and 
 terrifying object. Cover it up at any price! 
 
 But I am wandering from my main thesis. I was 
 saying that Hester had gone off in looks, regarded 
 from the merely material point of view. 
 
 Loftiness of soul, sweet kindliness of heart, dwelt 
 as ever on her face and in the depths of her kind eyes, 
 but not all who run may read these signs. 
 
 "I haven't been getting into any scrape, darling," 
 I assured her. ' ' I hope it only means that I 'm going 
 to get my due at last." 
 
 My face flushed as I read the few brief words on 
 the typewritten sheet and passed it over for Hester's 
 perusal. The appointment was for eleven o'clock 
 that very morning, and I had only just time to go 
 down to the opening of the bank, set my subordinates 
 to their work, and make for the station. 
 
 I arrived at our head offices punctually on the 
 stroke of the hour, and was at once admitted to the 
 board-room. There was a full meeting of directors, 
 and I was not long left in doubt as to the nature 
 of the interview. They were all courteous in the 
 extreme to me, and one or two who met me for the 
 first time surveyed me with a good deal of interest. 
 
 It was the month of September, a fine, brilliant 
 autumn day. Hester had made a critical survey of 
 my toilet before she let me go, and at her suggestion 
 I had exchanged my old office suit for one of fine blue
 
 156 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 serge, very well cut by a Bond Street tailor. I was 
 not extravagant with my clothes, and Hester fostered 
 in me the taste for the best. The directors invited 
 me to sit down, and after a few complimentary 
 remarks from the chairman regarding my conduct 
 of the branch at Finchley, and the returns I had been 
 able to make at headquarters, from every branch of 
 the bank's business, I was offered the managership 
 of a most important city branch. 
 
 I looked, as I felt, bewildered, and almost over- 
 come. 
 
 The salary was handsome; it had been a thousand, 
 I knew, and it was a post regarded as one of the 
 plums of our bank. It had never been offered, as 
 I was well aware, to a man under forty before. I 
 was then only in my thirty-fifth year. Small 
 wonder that I blushed and stammered like any 
 schoolboy under the weight of the compliment paid 
 to me. 
 
 My emotion did not displease them, and they took 
 me further into their confidence by telling me that 
 the branch in question, which had fallen away under 
 an old manager who had got a little careless and 
 slack, required working up. They told me they 
 believed that I was the man to do it, and finally 
 offered it to me at a salary of eight hundred. 
 
 Needless to say with what haste and pleasure I 
 accepted. 
 
 Of work or responsibility I had never been afraid 
 at any time, and I had served an excellent and rather 
 trying apprenticeship at Finchley. My head almost
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 157 
 
 whirled at the prospect, because the salary alone did 
 not represent all the emoluments of the office. Other 
 opportunities for the making of money would be 
 open to me, and I promised to avail myself of them 
 to the hilt. I left the office a happy and rather 
 uplifted man. 
 
 I made my way post-haste to the nearest telegraph 
 office, and sent two messages, one to Hester, and one 
 to my father, to whom I knew the news would bring 
 intense gratification. He had now retired from the 
 bank at Helston, and was living with Jane at a pretty 
 cottage about two miles out of the town. He was 
 in poor health, suffering from the last stages of a 
 kidney trouble which had tormented him during the 
 later years of his life. 
 
 He was doomed, and I knew could not have many 
 more years of life. 
 
 Then I thought I would look up a man I knew at 
 his office, and go out to lunch with him . However, 
 as I turned to leave the telegraph desk, I came face 
 to face with Maud Lacy. We were both astounded, 
 and I think both pleased, and shook hands with great 
 fervor on the spot. 
 
 "Now this is a piece of uncommon luck," I 
 whispered joyously. "I'm just looking for some- 
 body to have a drink with in celebration of a bit of 
 jolly good luck." 
 
 Her handsome face was wreathed in smiles. She 
 looked splendid, and was dressed to perfection. 
 What she was doing in the very heart of the city 
 just then I hardly thought to ask her. Maud
 
 158 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 turned up in all sorts of unexpected corners. She 
 had been abroad for a whole year, and had kept me 
 apprised of her whereabouts by occasional post 
 cards. But we had not corresponded. She would 
 have liked it, but I felt that Hester would not. 
 
 But I was unfeignedly glad to see her that day. 
 In the exuberance of my feelings, I wanted some 
 one to rejoice with me. Oddly enough, it did not 
 occur to me to hasten home to my wife, though I 
 could have arrived in ample time for our usual lunch 
 hour. I was out for the day, however, and I always 
 enjoyed a visit to the city. 
 
 "Just a mo till I send a wire to a pal I promised 
 to lunch with at one-thirty. I'll chuck him, of 
 course, if you're going to take me." 
 
 "Of course I am," I answered joyously, and 
 passed out to the edge of the pavement to wait for 
 her, feeling that never had my sun been higher in 
 the heavens. 
 
 Presently she joined me, and after a brief consulta- 
 tion we took a hansom to the Great Eastern Hotel, 
 where there is one of the most comfortable and 
 secluded restaurants in London. 
 
 Being early, we had our pick of the tables, and 
 found one in an alcove window, where we were 
 quite alone, and even remote from the crowd. 
 
 And there Maud, removing her long suede gloves 
 from her bare arms, and unpinning her fascinating 
 white veil, leaned her elbows on the table and looked 
 across at me smilingly. 
 
 "You do look nice, Gibbie handsomer than ever ! ' '
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 159 
 
 "Come, come, I've just had about as much com- 
 pliment as my poor old nut can stand," I said, 
 flushing a little; then I told her briefly what had 
 happened. 
 
 "Shake," she said, stretching her fine, white, 
 gemmed hand across the table. "Good old Gib, 
 you deserve it, every scrap of it, of course you do. 
 I've always thought you'd arrive some day." 
 
 I was silent just a moment, because there swept 
 over me a dashing memory of the occasion when I had 
 proposed to her, and tried to assure her regarding my 
 future. She had been very scornful of my hopes and 
 chances then, and said frankly that she preferred 
 something more solid and substantial than hopes. 
 She guessed the trend of my thoughts, and leaned 
 a little farther across the table. 
 
 "I know what you're thinking, Gib that once I 
 didn't justify the belief I'm expressing with such 
 fervor. But we couldn't help ourselves just then, 
 and I suppose the Fates had decreed it wasn't to be; 
 well well. If one only knew " 
 
 The world of regret in her voice could have but 
 one meaning. It was a dangerous moment, and I 
 was thankful when the waiter came to my elbow with 
 the wine card in his hand. 
 
 "What's it to be, then, Maud what shall we 
 celebrate the occasion in?" 
 
 "Oh, fizz, of course; there isn't anything else to 
 fit the case," she answered merrily, so I gave my 
 order, and we began to talk again. 
 
 "How's the missus?" she asked casually.
 
 160 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Quite well, thank you. Now I want to hear 
 about yourself. What brings you to London now? " 
 
 "I'm going to settle down, Gibbie; I've taken a 
 flat in co with an American painting woman I met 
 in Milan." 
 
 "And what about your own studies?" 
 
 "Chucked them. I'd never get to the giddy 
 heights old Bauermeister, for the purpose of feather- 
 ing her own nest, predicted for me. Rudini, the 
 Milan teacher, was perfectly honest with me. He 
 said I never would star, that the star is born, not 
 made, and that further I had begun study too late. 
 So I chucked it." 
 
 "It seems an enormous loss of time and money," 
 I observed, the commercial instinct asserting itself 
 naturally. 
 
 "Oh, no. One has to buy experience somewhere. 
 I'm a sort of fatalist now, and I don't believe any- 
 thing ever is lost." 
 
 "Been to Helston lately?" 
 
 "Only just come up. I 've been there for the last 
 two weeks. The kids are all well, and going strong. 
 Queer little nut, Carrie! You never can tell all 
 that 's inside of her, but there 's no doubt she 's been 
 a mother to those kids. You 'd think she was sixty- 
 five, instead of twenty-five." 
 
 "She has certainly walked most circumspectly. 
 Jane was telling us one day how horrified Helston was 
 at first at the idea of such a young head to the house- 
 hold, but she 's silenced every criticism, and made the 
 whole town and county take off its hat to her."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 161 
 
 Maud shrugged her shoulders, rather impatiently, 
 I thought. 
 
 "She's that sort; it wasn't an effort to her. But 
 I think I deserve something too for clearing out and 
 giving her a fair field. I might have stopped on and 
 been the boss; then where would she have been?" 
 
 "At Gresley probably," I answered at hazard. 
 
 She narrowed her brows, and finished her mayon- 
 naise before she asked me what I meant. 
 
 "I suppose you're getting at me about Carrie, 
 Gib," she said crossly at last. 
 
 "No, I'm not. It's ancient history that Hubert 
 Parfitt proposed to her, that she refused him, that 
 his people have come round to his way of thinking, 
 and that they '11 be married as soon as Florrie goes to 
 Coombe Rectory to keep house for the Rev. Pere- 
 grine Diswold." 
 
 She sat back in her chair, staring hard. 
 
 "Gibbie, you don't really mean that! It couldn't 
 have happened?" 
 
 "It has happened." 
 
 "And Carrie gave up Gresley, for with the average 
 man it meant that, just to look after those kids who 
 will go their own way just as soon as the idea strikes 
 them?" 
 
 "It's what she has done." 
 
 "How long ago might this have happened, since 
 it appears that you know more about my family 
 than I do?" 
 
 "I believe that things were arranged about two 
 years ago." 
 11
 
 1 62 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "And nobody said a word to me! How dared 
 they keep me on the outside? It's that horrible 
 Audrey Hillyer, Ned's wife. I positively hate that 
 woman. She looked at me this time as if I were 
 dirt, though she knows she could hardly buy a corset 
 lace for herself before Ned took her up." 
 
 "She and Carrie are inseparable." 
 
 "Oh, I know they are. Carrie and I nearly came 
 to fisticuffs over it, and she never darkened the door 
 all the time I was there after the first Sunday, when 
 she began to lecture me on my duty, and I told her 
 to mind her own business. One's first duty in the 
 world surely is to mind one's own business, and that 's 
 what I've been doing. Most people can't live for 
 their relations meddling with them and wanting to 
 arrange their program. I had only a little more 
 courage than most of 'em, that's all." 
 
 "Don't indict me, Maud," I said with good- 
 natured raillery. "I've never lectured you." 
 
 "No, but I'm dead sure your wife has had her 
 say with the rest of them. Well, anyway, I've 
 seen something; I know what the world is like. 
 It's blue-mould of the soul one gets in a place 
 like Helston. Heavens, how I hate it! This dose 
 will serve me for another five years. Your father 's 
 going 'down the hill rapidly, Gilbert. He can't last 
 much longer." 
 
 I nodded, but made no comment on her pronounce- 
 ment, which struck me as rather callous. There were 
 moments when Maud Lacy's assumption of complete 
 heartlessness repelled me. That was one. She was
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 163 
 
 as quick as a needle, and her expression altered as she 
 leaned across the table once more. 
 
 "Don't look at me like that, Gib; I simply won't 
 have it. I want to keep my pal just as he used to 
 be. We understand one another. It's a pity the 
 fate line diverged just where it did. It was n't 
 altogether my fault. I'm a bit of a fatalist, you 
 know, and just lately I've been studying occult 
 things. It 's fascinating. The Fates have decreed that 
 our lines meet again later on. Let's see your paw." 
 
 I stretched it across the table in a kind of lazy 
 amusement. There was a certain piquancy in this 
 dallying, which appealed to some part of me that 
 had been pretty well in the background of late. She 
 studied the lines with knit brows and a half-smile. 
 
 ' ' Long life line, middling straight heart line oh, 
 Gibbie, are you still having affairs?" she said mock- 
 ingly. "Another influence is coming into your life 
 soon, and it's going to have tremendous conse- 
 quences. But you 're going to be rich, old man, rich 
 beyond the dreams of avarice. Everything you 
 touch simply turns to gold. What will you do with 
 it when you get it? I don't believe the missus 
 would understand the elementary science of money 
 spending. She's the sort of woman, unless I'm 
 much mistaken, who would go ten miles to find a 
 little dressmaker at half a sovereign less but who 
 would probably spoil her stuff, and she'd know the 
 cheapest market everywhere." 
 
 I tried to withdraw my hand, for this criticism of 
 my wife, near the mark in a sense, galled me.
 
 164 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Oh, come, it's my hand you're supposed to be 
 reading." 
 
 "Well, it's all there, and if you consult the oracle 
 you've got to swallow the verdict whole. She's 
 incapable of appreciating or fully understanding you, 
 Gilbert, and she isn't on your plane. The stars 
 never ordained that you should be together. It's 
 one of the mistakes Destiny permits, but can't 
 unravel. You'll never have any children, and the 
 line breaks off here abruptly. Do you want to hear 
 any more, Gib?" 
 
 "I don't, and it's time I was out of here," I said 
 abruptly, and would have summoned the waiter, 
 but Maud intervened with a rueful smile. 
 
 "Aren't you going to give me any coffee? Why, 
 I 'd rather go without lunch or dinner any day than 
 my coffee and liqueur. Besides, we 're not half done. 
 Don't you want to hear all about my flat and Sadie 
 Wilcox? I'm simply dying to tell you." 
 
 I gave in, of course. Few men can withstand any 
 slur upon their hospitality. The coffee was brought, 
 and the green Chartreuse, which was Maud's choice. 
 We sat there another good hour, and when we at 
 last reached the vestibule of the hotel we had been 
 two and a half hours in our alcove. It was then, 
 however, only half -past two. As we stepped towards 
 the door two men came from the grill-room, Yuill 
 and the chairman of one of the big railway com- 
 panies whom I knew by sight. Yuill was especially 
 interested in railways, and was always promoting 
 new ones. He nodded to me, and glanced with a
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 165 
 
 surprise I imagined significant at my striking-looking 
 companion, as we hurriedly passed out. I did not 
 want to meet Yuill there, and the knowledge that 
 he had seen me with Maud Lacy gave me a good 
 deal of unnecessary anxiety. I put her into a han- 
 som, for which I paid, gave the driver the address of 
 her flat in Marylebone, and turned away eager now 
 to get home. An odd desire to ride all the way back 
 on the old green omnibus possessed me, and I did. 
 It cooled my blood, and gave me time to compose 
 my thoughts. I was perfectly aware of the particular 
 kind of attraction Maud Lacy had for me, and she 
 made no attempt to hide her liking in fact, she 
 had as good as said that she had never married 
 because the Fates had stolen from her the man 
 she wanted. She had in a measure reasserted her 
 old ascendancy, over me that day. I found in it a 
 subtle flattery of the senses I couldn't resist. 
 
 Any man who happens to peruse these words will 
 acquit me of deliberate disloyalty. Unfortunatly for 
 us, the path to hell has naught but flowery banks, 
 and the easy descent is made chiefly in the sun. 
 
 In giving my account of my day in the city to my 
 wife, I omitted to mention the name of Maud Lacy, 
 merely saying that I had lunched at the Great 
 Eastern Hotel with an old friend I had met acci- 
 dentally at the post office where I had dispatched 
 my telegrams. 
 
 Hester was neither prying nor suspicious by nature. 
 She did not even ask whether the old friend was a 
 man or a woman.
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 When Hester heard the actual facts of my inter- 
 view with the directors, she had one of her rare fits 
 of abandon, and threw herself into my arms. 
 
 "Oh, Gilbert, I am so glad, so very, very glad, 
 dear!" she said with a little sob in her voice. "It 
 shows what they must think of you, and I 'm just as 
 proud as I can be." 
 
 Somehow her pride engendered in me a sudden 
 humility. 
 
 "Nonsense, little woman, it's only the reward of 
 hard work and close application, and you 've kept me 
 at it too, ' ' I added jocosely. ' ' So you 're entitled to a 
 few pats on the back. If we 'd had a more exciting 
 and rackety life, business would undoubtedly have 
 suffered." 
 
 I saw that my words awakened in her a little 
 wonder and disquiet. 
 
 "You have found it very dull, I'm afraid?" she 
 said a trifle sadly. 
 
 "Oh, no, I'm a demon for work, and it gave me 
 my chance. Don't get ideas into your dear little 
 head. Now we 've got heaps of things to discuss and 
 consider where we are to live, for one thing." 
 
 "Live! Shall we have to leave Finchley?" she 
 asked with a sudden spasm in her voice. 
 
 1 66
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 167 
 
 "It would be better. I've been thinking of a 
 house in the Bloomsbury district. It has always 
 fascinated me. It's in the heart of things, and 
 there's a dignity about those old houses which a 
 place like this sadly lacks." 
 
 "Would it not be possible for us to stay on in 
 Finchley, Gilbert? Mr. Yuill does not seem to 
 mind travelling to and fro, and it is n't really a long 
 journey." 
 
 Somehow the mention of Yuill at the moment 
 irritated me. 
 
 "Yuill does n't begin to know the meaning of 
 work, as I understand it. He's the sort of chap 
 who makes a good deal of noise without accomplish- 
 ing much." 
 
 Hester looked the picture of astonishment. 
 
 "Why, Gilbert, you must surely be thinking of 
 somebody else little Bagley perhaps. Mr. Yuill 
 is one of the most silent men I Ve ever met." 
 
 "Well, I'm not stopping in Finchley to please 
 him. This tearing to and fro in trains takes ten 
 years off the average city man's life. I believe doc- 
 tors are agreed about it," I said grandiloquently. 
 "Do you really like Finchley, kid?" 
 
 "Why, I love it ! We shall have to leave this dear 
 house, then?" 
 
 "Rather, as the next manager will have to come 
 in, and they want me in the city by the isth of 
 October." 
 
 "Why, that's hardly a month from now." 
 
 "Just twenty-seven days; but a lot can be accom- 
 plished in twenty-seven days."
 
 i68 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "You'll miss the golf course and the club Gilbert, 
 won't you?" 
 
 "I can come out Saturdays, and perhaps an 
 occasional Sunday. Sunday golf, I think, is not 
 forbidden to the hard-wrought city man, though the 
 Finchley bank manager is not supposed to indulge 
 in it." 
 
 She sat still and quiet for a while, and presently 
 took up a bit of fine crochet work she had laid down 
 at my entrance. 
 
 "Will it be hard on you leaving Finchley, Hester?" 
 
 "I shall not like it. I have a few friends, and 
 they are precious, and we shall never find another 
 St. Luke's." 
 
 I pondered a moment. 
 
 "Well, we must think it over. Perhaps we might 
 make a sort of compromise. How would Totteridge 
 Lane suit you? There's that old house other side 
 of the road from the Yuills Grey Gables, it 's called. 
 I believe it might be bought cheap." 
 
 She dropped her work, and her face fairly glowed. 
 
 "Oh, Gilbert, that would be simply lovely! Oh, 
 how happy I should be to live there, and I am sure 
 it will be much healthier and better for you to come 
 out to such a sweet spot after office hours." 
 
 "I'm not so sure about it. Remember, my office 
 hours will be very different in the city for the first 
 year or two at least. It '11 mean long days and late 
 nights and precious little recreation. A man in such 
 a position doesn't eat the bread of idleness. Every 
 nerve of him has to be more or less on the rack."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 169 
 
 "Then we must live where it will be best and 
 easiest for you, darling," replied Hester with that 
 air of meek dutifulness which senselessly enrages 
 some men. We are strange creatures, and open 
 rebellion among our women-folk enlarges our respect 
 for them. I could not help contrasting Maud Lacy's 
 probable behavior in such a case. She would simply 
 have said, "We are going to live here or there," 
 according as her fancy dictated, and it would have 
 come to pass. 
 
 The more I thought of the pretty old house in 
 Totteridge Lane, however, the more the idea of 
 possessing it appealed to me. 
 
 After tea that very evening we took a walk in 
 that direction, and had a look at it, both without and 
 within. It was a smallish house, which Hester 
 assured me she could easily run with a couple of 
 servants, including Babette, now an institution in 
 our house. It was whitewashed and had a green 
 veranda running round it, and two acres of lovely 
 old matured grounds. It had a heavenly view from 
 the back terrace, and was within easy reach of the 
 golf course. Before we left it we had made up our 
 minds to take it on a three years' lease, which, we 
 argued, would give us time to prove whether it was 
 convenient enough for me to live so far out. 
 
 "Let's go in and tell Christina Yuill about it," 
 suggested Hester as we left the pretty gateway from 
 which we could see the somewhat dark entrance of 
 The Yews, which was the mournful appellation of the 
 Yuills' abode. I was not keen, but, having no good
 
 170 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 reason for refusing, permitted myself to be guided 
 in a slanting direction across the road. Hester was 
 a frequent visitor to The Yews, I knew, but I only 
 learned afterwards, among all the rest of the facts 
 relating to her, how much of her lonely life was 
 rendered tolerable by the ministry of these good 
 friends and kind neighbors. To my relief Miss Yuill 
 met us with the information that her brother was 
 dining in town, and would not be home till midnight. 
 So often did he dine in town with business acquaint- 
 ances that he kept a spare dress suit at his office, and 
 would come home in it, taking it back with him in 
 a small Gladstone bag in the morning. I hardly 
 ever saw Yuill without that bag, and we all twitted 
 him about it. I knew that Yuill did not like me; 
 we were in no sense of the word pals, though we 
 occasionally played golf together. He was a splendid 
 golfer, and the links represented his only other 
 dissipation. He never went to theatres, for instance ; 
 both he and his sister thought theatre-going wicked 
 waste of time. He was the churchwarden at St. 
 Luke's, and a pillar in all good works. 
 
 Miss Yuill was a trifle more genial and affable 
 than her brother. Hester had often assured me that 
 she was the best-informed woman she had ever met, 
 and knew all about the new books even before they 
 came out. 
 
 She was nothing much to look at, but I think I 
 mentioned before that she always wore handsome 
 clothes, and had a general air of prosperity and 
 well-being. She was extraordinarily fond of my wife.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 171 
 
 "Leave Finchley not a bit of it, Mr. Trent," she 
 said. ' ' Look at Andy ! He can easily manage to go 
 in and out to London, and I don't suppose you '11 keep 
 his irregular hours. And he's got so fond of it, he 
 couldn't sleep in London now, I believe. Once when 
 he happened to miss the last train he walked out 
 all the way across Hampstead Heath. It was two 
 o'clock in the morning when he got home. You can 
 do it easily, being a younger man than he." 
 
 She seemed pleased at the idea of my promotion, 
 and not in the least surprised. 
 
 "Andy has always said it would come, for he 
 reckons you one of the best business men he knows. 
 He even said once that you could give any Scotch- 
 man points." 
 
 She laughed heartily at this. So did we all, and 
 we parted in the greatest good-humor. 
 
 I lost no time in interviewing the agent for Grey 
 Gables, and in less than a week the lease was signed. 
 I had to take it on a seven years' lease, with a break 
 at three and five, and I got it at a moderate rental. 
 Some little repairs and decorating were necessary, 
 and, looking back, I think that was one of the hap- 
 piest periods of Hester's life. 
 
 She was proud of my success, and deeply interested 
 in her pretty new house, out of which she would make 
 a real home. But she wept bitterly when we left the 
 house above the bank, and though she did not say a 
 word about it, I somehow guessed that it wrung her 
 heart to part finally from the place which had been at 
 once the cradle and the grave of her fondest hopes.
 
 172 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 But at Grey Gables she quickly forgot, or seemed 
 to forget, and we were busy right up till Christmas 
 getting all our belongings settled, and adding a few 
 to them. When all was finished, it certainly was a 
 home of which anybody might have been proud. 
 Hester's perfect taste kept all in harmony with the 
 kind of house it was. There was nothing garish or 
 crude or startling to the eye. Harmonious, perhaps, 
 is the word which best describes it. 
 
 I found my new duties congenial enough, but my 
 position made full demands on all my powers. At 
 Christmas we went down to Helston to spend the 
 Christmas week-end with my father and Jane. He 
 was now confined to bed, a poor wreck of his former 
 self, Jane waiting on him with exemplary devotion 
 and all the quiet courage and cheerfulness she had 
 taught us to expect from her all her life. 
 
 My father was pleased to see us, and he seemed to 
 like to have Hester sit with him. She was able to 
 share part of the nursing with Jane, and give her 
 a little rest. It was easy to see that the love between 
 these two women was that of sisters, and that they 
 perfectly understood one another. I went twice into 
 Helston to see the Lacys, once to visit the old house, 
 and once to call on Ned at Hill Rise. 
 
 With the new year may be said to have begun the 
 second decade of our married life. We were happy 
 enough, but perhaps neither of us had realized the 
 ideals that had uplifted us on that never-to-be- 
 forgotten day in the bosky glades of Terveuren. We 
 had drifted a good deal apart. How does this begin ?
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 173 
 
 What first brings the little rift which sooner or later 
 makes mute the whole music of life? Ah, that 
 question, like many another before me as I write, I 
 find unanswerable. Instead of our natures being 
 welded and run together, we both held to our own 
 ideas and desires, with this inevitable result. Hester 
 was frankly spiritual and religious; she could find 
 happiness in quiet ways ; she liked a few friends and 
 cherished them loyally; she loved to help others, to 
 seek out the sick and suffering and the sad. She 
 could at all times cheerfully go without, so that 
 others might be the gainers. My nature, on the 
 other hand, shrank from unpleasant things. I was 
 willing and eager to do my duty, so far as I saw it, 
 but I wanted swift recognition; I needed material 
 gifts to prove the worth of life. And I craved for a 
 number of things from which I had been cut off since 
 my marriage, more by association and example than 
 compulsion. Hester liked quiet evenings with her 
 books and work; her long, hard, early training had 
 taught her to find her pleasure in the simplest things ; 
 also she could never reconcile the spending of money 
 on selfish pleasures with the need which everywhere 
 abounded. It was useless to argue with her. Some- 
 times, when I got cross, she just slipped away as if 
 she could not bear another word. 
 
 She was always willing to entertain at our own 
 house, and she did it well, too. I could invite a dozen 
 men to dinner, certain that the menu and the cooking 
 would leave nothing to be desired. But she had no 
 desire, vulgarly speaking, to cut a dash. Had I been
 
 174 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 married to Maud Lacy we should probably, by com- 
 bining our respective incomes, have taken a house in 
 London and proceeded to enjoy life. My new sphere 
 of labor gave me practically unlimited opportunities 
 of seeing Maud. Scarcely a week passed without our 
 meeting during that first winter. She transferred 
 her banking account to my branch, which gave her 
 an excuse, if she needed one, for frequent visits to the 
 city. Then, as one of the administrators of her 
 father's estate, I had no choice but to advise her 
 regarding her money, if she chose to ask me She 
 was frankly keen about money, and always on the 
 trail of new investments. I have never met a woman 
 with the money sense more highly developed. Her 
 consultations with me were a mere farce, because she 
 generally took her own way where investments were 
 concerned. I sometimes accused her of having 
 somebody else to advise her in the background, but 
 she laughingly assured me that was not so. 
 
 "Fact is, Gibbie, you men don't like any poaching 
 on your preserves. But a woman with her head 
 screwed on the right way ought to do well on the 
 Stock Exchange, for she has her sixth sense to guide 
 her, don't you see? There isn't an atom of intuition 
 or imagination in your nature." 
 
 She said this apropos of a particularly speculative 
 flutter against which I was warning her. It had to do 
 with Siberian mines, and was then making a certain 
 stir in financial circles. 
 
 There is no doubt that high finance has con- 
 siderable fascination for a certain type of woman.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 175; 
 
 They are guided by no known laws of logic, yet it is. 
 undeniable that the few who had taken up the pur- 
 suit seriously have without exception achieved not- 
 able success. Maud bade fair to add another to the 
 number, and I beheld her growing more and more 
 eager regarding all the tortuous ramifications of 
 financial life. She used it to fill up her idle time with, 
 just as other women pay calls, or take part in chari- 
 table work, or accomplish unlimited fancy work. 
 She did not seem to deteriorate under it at first. She 
 was a creature that throve best in an atmosphere 
 of unrest and continuous change. Relegated to the 
 ordinary routine of the average woman's life, she 
 instantly became either hopelessly dull or irritable 
 in temper. The domestic r61e, as we have seen, had 
 no call for her at all. Circumstances had strangely 
 favored all her predilections. At the end of the 
 first year in the Marylebone flat she had nearly 
 doubled her capital, and was still going on manip- 
 ulating it, with a courage and daring which would 
 have made honest and slow-going operators stand 
 aghast. She was looking brilliant that March 
 morning when we discussed the Siberian business in 
 my private room at Gracechurch Street. She was 
 such a frequent visitor there that sometimes I had 
 qualms as to what my clerks and others might 
 think. There is no man immune from such visitors 
 in his city office, and the tragedy of many a home 
 has had its foundations laid in the private room of a 
 business house in the city. There are certain 
 prowlers who lie in wait for the city man under every
 
 176 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 sort of guise, and it stands to his full credit if he 
 escapes. They come in every guise as nurses, 
 as collectors for charities, as the daughters or sisters 
 of city men who have fallen on evil times. Maud, 
 however, came frankly as a friend, and as a business 
 colleague. 
 
 We were embarked on the same enterprise, the 
 making of money, and part of her luck seemed to 
 stray in my direction. Already I had made some 
 very successful deals for myself, and the fever and 
 fascination were growing. There is no other like 
 it in the whole category of human experience, but 
 the end is not peace. 
 
 Maud was looking radiant. She was now well on 
 the shady side of thirty, but dressed with such cun- 
 ning art that she could easily have passed for twenty- 
 five. Her life of selfish ease and luxury had kept her 
 handsome face unlined, and her eyes were bright 
 and clear, her whole personality breathing life and 
 vivacity. 
 
 "So you think I shouldn't touch it, old croaker; 
 but I'm going to. I've gone into it, Gibbie, and 
 it 's going to be the most splendid catch of the season. 
 And there's really a deputation going out to inter- 
 view the Czar at St. Petersburg to try to get a 
 perpetual concession. Have you heard that?" 
 
 I knew all about it, and it was even on the cards 
 that I might be asked to join in, but for reasons of 
 diplomacy and prudence I had not mentioned it to 
 Maud Lacy. The man who is determined to climb 
 to the highest heights of finance does not give his
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 177 
 
 secrets away to any woman, even the one in whom he 
 is most deeply interested. I trusted Maud's judg- 
 ment and acumen in most things, but she was 
 impulsive. Several times she had nearly ruined a 
 project by haste and indiscretion. It might be said 
 of her that in financial life she had succeeded in 
 spite of, and not because of, her nature and pro- 
 cedure. Cautious to the last degree now, because 
 Maud had on more than one occasion lured me to 
 indiscreet revelations, I merely remarked that I had 
 heard of it, and that it had been in the air for a 
 considerable time indeed, for the better part 
 of a year. 
 
 "Well, if it really goes, I'm there, Gibbie; I've 
 never seen Petersburg, and there's something in 
 Russia calling to me. They're half savages, I 
 know, but they appeal. I'm only half civilized 
 myself." 
 
 "You would have to take an independent journey, 
 Maud, for they wouldn't let you even travel in 
 'co,' I doubt," I said, and at the same time registered 
 a vow that if I was to be of the party I should keep 
 my finger on all its plans until it should be safely 
 on its way. I still liked Maud as much as ever, 
 but to be associated with her in any such manner 
 would be disastrous for me in my present position. 
 I was even then devising means whereby I could 
 evade her in Gracechurch Street. I fancied that 
 my confidential clerk had a significant and unusual 
 expression on his face each time he admitted her. 
 
 "Oh, I know how frightened they are of a woman's 
 12
 
 178 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 intervention. I'll tell you what, Gibbie; it's fear 
 that's at the bottom of men's desire to keep us out 
 of things. They know that half the time we should 
 get ahead of them at every step. Some day we are 
 going to rise en masse and show 'em, and I'll be 
 there at the very head of the procession." 
 
 The Suffrage movement was then in its infancy, 
 and was engineered by a band of devoted and 
 moderate-minded women who had no part or lot 
 with the present methods. Maud Lacy is, as she 
 predicted, in the very front ranks of the militant 
 movement, and has shown a courage and devotion 
 to the cause which have astonished those who knew 
 her best. But I am anticipating. I must get back 
 to the discussion on Siberian mines in Gracechurch 
 Street. 
 
 We were still in the thick of it, when Dudgeon, my 
 confidential clerk, opened the door suddenly and 
 announced Mrs. Trent. 
 
 I don't know why he did that, and I never had the 
 courage to call him to account for it. The unwritten 
 code of procedure in the office was for me to be 
 informed of any client waiting to see me outside. 
 Never by any chance was one shown in upon the 
 other. I have often wondered whether Dudgeon, 
 disapproving of Miss Lacy's frequent visits, did it 
 with deliberation. He was a hatchet-faced young 
 man, very reticent, a good plodder, and reliable in 
 every relation of his life. Because my own con- 
 science was not just then quite at ease, I forbore to 
 question him later about his breach of good manners.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 179 
 
 But I flushed with anger and cast a meaning glance 
 upon him as I leaped to my feet. 
 
 Maud, smiling a little wickedly, rose too. This 
 was only the second time Hester had been in my 
 private room. She was not the sort of woman who 
 makes endless journeys to town, and is always 
 asking her husband to meet her for lunch or shopping 
 expeditions at seasons highly inconvenient to him. 
 She stopped at home and attended to her own duties. 
 But it might have been better for me had she been 
 less exemplary in that respect. 
 
 She nodded coolly and rather haughtily, I thought, 
 to Maud, and immediately addressed me, at the same 
 time drawing a telegram from the flap of her bag. 
 
 "From Jane," she said briefly. "Your father 
 died this morning. I am on my way down now, but 
 I thought I had better come to you first. You see, 
 Jane asks me to." 
 
 She turned her back on Maud, and in its way I had 
 never encountered anything finer than her complete 
 ignoring of the other woman's presence. 
 
 As I was studying the telegram, with the stunned 
 feeling which such information seldom fails to bring 
 with it, Maud spoke: 
 
 "I'll be toddling, Gilbert. Sorry, old man, very 
 sorry. My love and sympathy to Jane. We must 
 thrash out the Siberian business another day." 
 
 She passed out, and Hester faced me quite pale 
 and rather cold. She looked her worst at the 
 moment, for the black clothes she had hastily fur- 
 bished up from a wardrobe never at any time
 
 180 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 extravagant, did not become her. Hester required 
 soft, delicate tones, exquisite and elusive combina- 
 tions, to bring out her refined coloring. 
 
 "What are you going to do, Gilbert?" she asked 
 quietly. "You see, Jane wants me to come at once. 
 I have just time to catch the twelve-twenty." 
 
 Not a word of sympathy or affectionate solicitude, 
 which such an occasion might be expected to call 
 forth! I knew that something had snapped in her 
 at the moment, but I had no idea of the intensity 
 of her suffering. 
 
 She was completely mistress of herself. 
 
 "What do you think?" I stuttered. "Had I 
 better go or wait till later? I have a busy day in 
 front." 
 
 "You must please yourself," she answered. "I 
 am going now." 
 
 She waited a minute or two, but when I did not say 
 anything she simply walked out. This was such an 
 extraordinary proceeding on Hester's part that for 
 the moment it dwarfed the other happening. I did 
 not pretend to any acute sorrow for my father. 
 He was an old man, and the end was not in the least 
 unexpected. For the last year he had been prac- 
 tically dead to the world, and suffering a good deal. 
 I did not follow her. It was only after I heard the 
 jingle of the hansom bells as she drove away that I 
 seemed to awake. In five minutes I was in another 
 hansom, following her. I arrived at King's Cross in 
 time to take her ticket and my own. 
 
 We journeyed out to Helston together, but did
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 181 
 
 not exchange a single word for at least half the way. 
 I wanted to say something desperately, but could not. 
 Hester gave me no assistance, but sat in the farther 
 corner of the compartment which we had to our- 
 selves, watching the slightly snow-drifted landscape 
 whirling by. 
 
 At last I spoke a trifle desperately. 
 
 "Perhaps you wondered at seeing Miss Lacy in my 
 room this morning? She consults me about her 
 investments, as you know. We were discussing 
 a Siberian mine at the very moment you were 
 announced by that idiot Dudgeon." 
 
 Hester looked round, and I can never forget the 
 expression of her face. It was as if a mask had 
 dropped over it. 
 
 "I am not in the least interested in Miss Lacy's 
 investments," was all she said. 

 
 CHAPTER XI 
 
 After the funeral, Jane came to us for a couple of 
 months. We divided our father's belongings between 
 us that is to say, Jane had her pick which she put in 
 store for some future home, while I had a few things 
 for old associations' sake, and they accorded well 
 with the interior of Grey Gables. 
 
 I must add that she was left with a sufficient 
 income to live upon. 
 
 It was very pleasant having her there at first, the 
 complete understanding and affection between her 
 and Hester making it a genuine pleasure for them 
 to be together. It also left me much freer, for after 
 we moved to Grey Gables I had had sundry qualms 
 about the many hours my wife had to spend alone. 
 It was a lonely house, and our only manservant was 
 the gardener, who lived in the little cottage at the 
 gate. Hester's chief companions were a couple of 
 Aberdeen terriers the Yuills had given her as a 
 Christmas gift, and to which she was much attached. 
 We had altered our domestic arrangements to suit 
 my city hours, and now dined at eight o'clock, by 
 which time I tried conscientiously, at least during 
 the first year, to get home. 
 
 I was gone by half -past eight each morning, so for 
 182
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 183 
 
 twelve hours Hester was left wholly to her own 
 devices, and after a time I had not very many ques- 
 tions to ask as to how she spent her days. 
 
 I had the sort of idea that she visited the poor in 
 the few slums we possessed, went to church services 
 and Dorcas societies, and attended numerous tea 
 parties among her intimates. She divided her time 
 pretty equally between the Rectory and The Yews, 
 and her intimacy with the Yuills was the chief 
 buttress of her life. Most Sundays, of course, we 
 spent together, or, to put it more correctly, I did 
 not go to town, but spent my whole morning on the 
 golf course, and slept all the afternoon. My habit 
 of church-going did not last with any regularity. 
 Occasionally I accompanied Hester to Evensong, 
 but never in the morning after we went to Grey 
 Gables. I had not taken a Communion since my 
 city life began. I thought little of these things, and 
 had no idea of what they meant to Hester, how she 
 dwelt upon them with anguished spirit. You see, 
 she never spoke of them. Had she been a little 
 more frank and open but there what is the use of 
 asking such questions ? Her nature required careful 
 handling, the kind of handling it did not get. She 
 never alluded again to her meeting with Maud Lacy 
 in the office at Gracechurch Street, and I thought 
 she had forgotten it. We led a curious, detached 
 kind of life with occasional sunbursts of happiness 
 and comradeship, but quite steadily and without 
 any apparent effort on either part to prevent it, 
 we drifted farther apart. We had distinct and
 
 i8 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 separate lives, and beyond the fact that I was happy 
 in my work at Gracechurch Street, and had fully 
 justified the confidence placed in me, Hester knew 
 little or nothing about my city life. My argument, 
 had I been brought to book, was that she did not 
 understand it, and was not deeply interested. She 
 knew that we were prospering, for I kept on in- 
 creasing her allowances, until she laughingly said 
 she had enough. Money makes money, and I saw 
 my investments turning out successfully and promis- 
 ing to make me a rich man before I had passed life's 
 meridian. Occasionally Maud would twit me with 
 the little enjoyment I got out of life, and told me I 
 was nothing but a money grubber. 
 
 On more than one occasion, far oftener, indeed, 
 than I care to set down, she persuaded me to dine 
 out with her and go to a theatre. I had many such 
 evenings, and Hester was unaware that I, too, kept a 
 dress suit in town at the club I had joined for 
 convenience' sake. 
 
 One day, after Jane had been with us about six 
 weeks, and we were taking a walk together in one of 
 the pretty lanes with which Totteridge abounds, she 
 surprised me with rather an abrupt question: 
 
 "Gib, I'm not very satisfied about Hester. Why 
 don't you look after her better?" 
 
 "Please explain what you mean," I said rather 
 hotly. "I don't see anything whatever the matter 
 with her. I was only thinking this morning at 
 breakfast how well she was looking." 
 
 "Oh, I don't mean her health that, I think, is all
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 185 
 
 right, though sometimes she looks a little wan all of 
 a sudden, and then I feel afraid. But I don't think, 
 honestly, that she's very happy." 
 
 "Not happy! why, what grounds have you for 
 saying that?" 
 
 "Oh, I might tabulate a few, only I don't happen 
 to be a meddler, Gilbert," Jane replied in her quiet, 
 possessed manner, which few things could perturb, 
 ' ' but I 've been here living with her intimately for six 
 weeks, and I know there's something wrong. So 
 often I get with her the feeling of the closed door." 
 
 "Do you mean that she is leading a double life?" 
 I asked with an uneasy laugh. 
 
 "No, but it might mean that you are doing that, 
 Gibbie," she said quite quietly and unexpectedly. 
 Under her steady gaze my face flushed. 
 
 "What Tommy-rot, Jane! Since you began to 
 write fiction your imagination runs away with you! 
 What chance has a man whose nose is so closely 
 at the grindstone to lead a double life? It's pre- 
 posterous, and I can't compliment you either on your 
 acumen or your tact." 
 
 "I don't mind about your compliments at the 
 present moment," observed Jane serenely. "What 
 does concern me is Hester, and that little pathetic 
 droop about her lips and the hunger in her eyes." 
 
 "I'll speak to Hester," I said quickly. "I'll ask 
 her whether she's unhappy." 
 
 "That won't do much good, for, of course, she'll 
 answer 'No.' She's left far too much alone. If 
 these weeks are a sample of your ordinary home life,
 
 1 86 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 it 's a wonder Hester does not rebel. I should in her 
 place. If I married a man I should expect him to 
 give me a little of his time." 
 
 "Hester fully understands my position in the city. 
 She understood what would be involved in the change 
 from the beginning. We talked it all over first," I 
 said loftily. 
 
 Jane listened unperturbed and unconvinced. 
 
 "I'm going to say something else to you, Gibbie, 
 and I don't mind really whether you take offence or 
 not. I 've a right to speak. I had lunch with Cyril 
 Lacy on Wednesday when I was in town, and he 
 told me that you go a great deal to Maud's flat and 
 often dine out with her and go to theatres." 
 
 "Cyril is a gas-bag, and you can't believe all he 
 says. He was pulling your leg," I said rudely, but 
 I did not meet her eyes. 
 
 "Then it is true," she said in her voice of quiet 
 assurance, which at the moment so irritated me that 
 I lost my temper. 
 
 "Hester knows perfectly well that I have to see 
 Maud on business matters, as I'm one of the exec- 
 utors." 
 
 "Yes, but it isn't part of an executor's duties, that 
 I have ever heard of, to dine out and go to theatres 
 with the legatee," said Jane with her maddening 
 straightness of tongue. 
 
 I turned upon her rather savagely. 
 
 "I'll tell you what, Jane if you've come here 
 as a censor and general scavenger where your services 
 are not required, you 'd better shift your camp. As
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 187 
 
 for that young ass Cyril, I '11 wring his neck first time 
 I see him." 
 
 She merely sighed, and, turning rather abruptly, 
 said we had better go back. 
 
 ' ' I had made up my mind to leave next week. I 'm 
 going to Paris for the three months. I may take a 
 flat there for the winter if I like it. Would you have 
 any objection if I took Hester with me for a week 
 or two, now? She needs a change. We'd go to 
 Belgium first ; she wants to go back to Brussels, and 
 we might have a few days at the sea perhaps at 
 St. Jacques, or some of these queer little places on 
 the Brittany coast." 
 
 "I've no objection whatever. You can please 
 yourselves. Hester generally does, but if she had 
 wanted to go back to Brussels, why, in Heaven's 
 name didn't she mention it ? She might have known 
 I would have been very glad to have taken her." 
 
 "It was your business to find it out," said Jane, 
 without a moment's hesitation. "Seeing you so 
 busy and so much engaged, she would naturally 
 hesitate to make any claim for herself. Unfortu- 
 nately for you, she's that reserved kind of woman. 
 Well, will you make it right with Hester? She 
 won't go unless the suggestion comes from you." 
 
 "She's a beastly martyr to duty, and if she only 
 knew how the average man loathes that sort of 
 pose!" I cried irritably. "Of course, I'll speak to 
 her. I'll give her a good shaking up." 
 
 "When did you say you were going?" I asked, 
 after we had walked a few hundred yards in silence.
 
 i88 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "The latter end of next week. I'll probably stop 
 a month in Belgium, for, of course, it's all new to 
 me. I want to get to Paris by the beginning of 
 
 July." 
 
 "It'll be beastly hot in Paris then." 
 
 "Oh, I can stand it. I like heat," she said lightly. 
 " I '11 spend the rest of the time at the coast and make 
 excursions. I should like to keep Hester a whole 
 month." 
 
 "Well, there isn't any reason why you shouldn't. 
 It will fit in very well, as I expect to go to St. Peters- 
 burg within the next fortnight. I shall be three 
 weeks away, at least. It will be all the holiday I 
 shall get, and, of course, as it is a purely business 
 journey, I couldn't take Hester." 
 
 "Russia would interest her. She knows such a 
 lot about the country. You've no idea how much 
 she reads, and she even knows something of the 
 language. Could n't we both go with you, and then 
 go off on our own when we get there? We should 
 only be nominally of the party, but I don't think 
 two women could travel independently in that 
 country at the present time." 
 
 "They certainly couldn't, and what you suggest 
 is perfectly impossible," I replied with a kind of cold 
 haste. "Besides, the Syndicate would certainly 
 object, and probably chuck me, if I made any such 
 suggestion. It's a chance I can't afford to miss." 
 
 "I don't mind so long as you give me Hester, and 
 make her comfortable in her mind about it," said 
 Jane.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 189 
 
 "I'll do that, of course, and I'll tell you what if 
 we get the business of the Syndicate through with any 
 sort of expedition, I'll join you for a week or ten 
 days wherever you happen to be, and give you the 
 time of your lives. I 'm entitled to a month, anyway, 
 and my directors won't grudge it, I'm sure. How 
 will that do?" 
 
 "Nicely. I'm glad we've had this talk, Gilbert, 
 and please don't bear me any malice for it. I 
 simply had to speak; and I shouldn't see too much 
 of Maud Lacy if I were you. She hasn't an atom of 
 principle in her composition. I can't imagine how 
 Mr. and Mrs. Lacy ever managed to have such 
 a child." 
 
 I went into my own den and smoked hard for an 
 hour after this talk, and then, having carefully sorted 
 out all my bearings, as it were, proceeded in search 
 of Hester. She always went to her room for two 
 hours on Sunday afternoon I supposed that she 
 went to sleep. We had a large, old-fashioned bed- 
 room with a roomy dressing room adjoining, in 
 which I had asked her to put up a single bedstead, 
 explaining that it would be handy if I happened to be 
 very late, and did not wish to disturb her. 
 
 She had not made any demur, though I had seen 
 a little startled look leap in her eyes. I had used the 
 dressing room a good many times, though the door 
 between, of course, was never locked. 
 
 I went through it, and found Hester on the couch 
 between the two long windows with her writing pad 
 on her knee. She looked a little startled at my
 
 i 9 o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 entrance, and drew an embroidered linen cover over 
 the writing pad. 
 
 "Writing to one of your numerous admirers!" I 
 said banteringly, as I bent to kiss her. "Never 
 mind, I'm not jealous." 
 
 "You need n't be," she answered lightly, too. 
 ' ' Have you had a pleasant walk, dear, and what have 
 you done with Jane?" 
 
 "Haven't seen her since we came in about an hour 
 ago. She tells me she wants to leave us next 
 week." 
 
 I stood against the mantelpiece, on which I leaned 
 my elbow, at the same time taking a private inven- 
 tory of Hester's looks. She wore a lilac frock of a 
 very delicate and beautiful shade, which, while most 
 becoming, undoubtedly accentuated the fair fragility 
 of her looks. She was certainly thinner, and when 
 not smiling her expression was a little sad. 
 
 "Is there anything vexing or troubling you?" I 
 asked bluntly, though I had intended to be very 
 diplomatic in my behavior, to find out things by 
 suggestion rather than by actual questioning. But 
 so seldom can we act precisely on the lines we lay 
 down for ourselves. 
 
 She smiled at me across the space then quite 
 happily. 
 
 "Oh, no, Gilbert, nothing whatever." 
 
 "And are you feeling quite well? Jane has got it 
 into her silly old head that you are not very well, 
 either in body or mind. She has been treating me 
 to a kind of court-martial on the head of it. I said
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 191 
 
 I did not think there could be much wrong, or I 
 should have heard of it." 
 
 ' ' I am quite well, and Jane does her best to spoil 
 me, Gibbie," she answered lightly. "I am going to 
 miss her very much, I 'm afraid, and I 've been trying 
 to persuade her to come and live with us altogether." 
 
 "That was a mistake, dear, and I am glad Jane 
 had the common sense to know it," I put in quickly. 
 
 "How could it be a mistake? We both love her, 
 don't we? And there could not be a more delightful 
 visitor, even regarding her from the ordinary visitor's 
 standpoint. She never intrudes herself, or expects 
 to be entertained, but is always ready if I want her 
 for anything." 
 
 "Married people are best alone," I remarked, 
 getting out the weary old platitude with considerable 
 force. "Perhaps she'll marry some day. I'm sure 
 I hope she will. It would be the making of her. 
 She's getting rather old maidish in parts." 
 
 A little rippling smile flitted for a moment across 
 Hester's grave lips. 
 
 "I don't think there is anything old maidish about 
 her; why, she never gets a day older. Do you know 
 what I should like, Gib, though I 'm sure I 'm indis- 
 creet to whisper it to you I wish she would marry 
 Mr. Yuill. It would be so good for them both, and 
 then Christina would get away back to her beloved 
 Glen Isla." 
 
 I could not help smiling, too; the project seemed 
 to afford her so much delight. 
 
 "I don't think you had better add the r61e of
 
 i 9 2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 matchmaker to your other accomplishments, dar- 
 ling," I said lightly. "I don't agree with you at 
 all. I'm sure from what I know of Yuill, and of 
 Jane, they'd certainly quarrel. Yuill 's as dour 
 and pigheaded as they are made, and Jane's a bit 
 bossy, you'll admit." 
 
 "Jane! Oh, Gilbert, she's a perfect dear." 
 
 "You don't know her half so well as I do; I was 
 under her petticoat government for a good many 
 years," I said, not caring how unjust my statements 
 were at the moment. She had never interfered with 
 us at home, or passed any comments on our actions, 
 and she had only spoken now, I knew very well, out 
 of her love for Hester. 
 
 "But we needn't waste our time discussing our 
 relatives and friends, need we?" I asked, reproached 
 by the somewhat puzzled look in Hester's eyes. 
 "Do you want to go abroad with Jane just now? It 
 can be arranged if you would like it, and I could come 
 and spend part of my holidays with you." 
 
 "And the other part?" she said inquiringly. 
 
 "I'll have to take it out in accompanying the 
 Syndicate to St. Petersburg," I said, and would have 
 evaded her straight glance, only it was impossible. 
 "They've arranged to start on the igth." 
 
 "And how long do you expect to be in Russia?" 
 
 I fancied a little chill note in her voice, though it 
 was so quiet. 
 
 "About a fortnight. Jane tells me she thinks of 
 going to the Brittany coast for a week or two. She 
 has unearthed some wonderful convent which she
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 193 
 
 thinks is going to make a suitable background for one 
 of her stories. Do you think you would care for that 
 kind of holiday, Hester, and shall I come to you 
 there, or meet you in Paris?" 
 
 "I shouldn't care for Paris very much in July, 
 Gilbert, and, you see, I know it so very well it would 
 not even have the charm of novelty, though I should, 
 of course, enjoy showing it to Jane." 
 
 "Well, you and she can have a pow-wow, and let 
 me know the net result. All I'm anxious about is 
 that you should have a good time." 
 
 "Oh, I shall have, Gilbert. I'm not very difficult 
 to please," she said in a low voice. "But I should 
 like to go to Russia with you. It could not be ar- 
 ranged, I suppose? I can efface myself, and I know 
 French so perfectly, besides a little Russian, I 
 should be able to get about by myself. I have even 
 two friends in Petersburg who used to be governesses 
 in Brussels. I should not be in your way at all." 
 
 I was completely nonplussed by this straight and 
 unexpected question. 
 
 "Jane asked the same thing, Hester, but you must 
 see for yourself how perfectly impossible it is. The 
 Syndicate consists of five or six picked men with but 
 one idea in their heads, the successful carrying 
 through of the mining concession. It may be a very 
 long business, for the Czar has never been more 
 inaccessible than at the present moment. The 
 amount of diplomacy and backstairs influence re- 
 quired will pass all conception. It may be a matter 
 of months instead of weeks." 
 
 13
 
 i 9 4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Then what is the use of your going for a fort- 
 night?" 
 
 "I can't afford to refuse the invitation to join the 
 party. It gives me a chance of insight which 
 would not come in my way again. You are not go- 
 ing to be selfish, Hester? You never have been so, 
 and you know how important these things are." 
 
 "I don't want to be selfish, of course. I hope you 
 have n't found me so, but what I would like to know 
 is why Jane and I could not join the party as well as 
 Miss Lacy." 
 
 I started and I felt my color rise. 
 
 "Who told you Miss Lacy was going?" 
 
 "Cyril." 
 
 "Cyril's a meddlesome young ass, and wants 
 talking to. His sister may have said in fun that she 
 wanted to go to Russia, but I assure you, if she 
 should, she will have to make an independent 
 journey, just as you and Jane would have to do if you 
 went. It is a foregone conclusion that a Syndicate 
 like that, consisting of the bigwigs of financial life, 
 won't be hampered with women-folk on a journey so 
 important and so purely of a business nature. No- 
 body goes to Russia at this season of the year, unless 
 obliged. The heat in Petersburg will be overpower- 
 ing, and the sanitary arrangements leave much to 
 be desired. Besides, we may be going into Siberia." 
 
 Hester smiled a little, the smile of superior 
 knowledge. 
 
 "Mademoiselle Destinn assures me July is the 
 perfect month," she said in her voice of provoking
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 195 
 
 quiet. "But don't let us say any more about it, 
 Gilbert. Jane and I will go to Brittany, and if you 
 can join us later on we shall be very glad. If not, 
 well, I shall not be any more disappointed than usual, 
 that is all." 
 
 Here, undoubtedly, was my opportunity to 
 question my wife more closely, and discover whether 
 she was unhappy or dissatisfied. These words 
 certainly indicated some dissatisfaction, but her face 
 was perfectly serene. I have never met any one who 
 had such power of self-control, and who could keep 
 her dignity in any circumstances. How could I tell, 
 then, of the fires of jealousy raging at that very 
 moment in her poor tortured woman's heart? She 
 had given me the worst of the interview, however, 
 and I was only anxious to end it. 
 
 At the moment, happily, perhaps, for us both, 
 Babette arrived to announce visitors in the drawing 
 room. 
 
 "It is only Mr. Yuill and Christina come to tea, 
 Gilbert," said Hester quickly, as she put down her 
 writing pad and rose to her feet. 
 
 I looked annoyed, for at the moment I did not wish 
 to meet the Yuills. Somehow they seemed to repre- 
 sent part of a conspiracy against me. 
 
 "I'm getting a bit sick of the Yuills, Hester," I 
 said ungraciously. "We're not safe from them even 
 on Sundays. I think, when I have only one clear 
 day in the week at home, you might see that it is 
 clear, and not pestered with people that I'm not 
 particularly gone on."
 
 i 9 6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 A very wounded look crossed Hester's face, but 
 she did not open her lips. My inner and growing 
 irritation, born of considerable uneasiness of spirit, 
 finding relief in abuse of somebody, I continued : 
 
 "YuilTs a pompous ass, Hester. Because he's 
 made a bit on the Stock Exchange and I 'd very 
 much like to get at the bottom of all his transactions 
 there he arrogates to himself a sort of lordly con- 
 descension to other people who are probably as clever 
 as himself. We're not all so long-sighted, perhaps, 
 as a Scotchman on the make " 
 
 Hester looked at me quite straightly, and her lips 
 were a little white. 
 
 "If that is how you feel about them, Gilbert, don't 
 come down to tea. I can send yours to the study, 
 and after this I shall take care not to invite them on 
 Sunday, or much at any time. Your house surely 
 exists for your friends as well as mine." 
 
 She walked out as she spoke, and took from me the 
 opportunity of making reparation for my bad temper. 
 It was nothing else; Yuill had served as a handy 
 scapegoat, that was all. I felt that I had made an 
 egregious ass of myself, that Hester had had the best 
 of it, and after a few moments' reflection I went 
 meekly downstairs to the drawing room and made 
 myself as agreeable as I knew how, even going so far 
 as to chaff Miss Yuill unmercifully about her love for 
 Glen Isla. But that little talk had widened the gulf ' 
 between Hester and me, and in about a week's time 
 we parted for the holiday season, with a good deal of 
 relief on both sides.
 
 CHAPTER XII 
 
 Next day, after business hours, I went out to Aner- 
 ley Mansions to see Maud Lacy. 
 
 I often took that roundabout way to King's Cross 
 on the off-chance of a chat and a cup of tea with her, 
 but to-day I had made sure that I would see her by 
 telephoning through from a public office when I went 
 out to lunch. For some time now I had not used the 
 office telephone for such private messages. The 
 American artist did not use the London flat much. 
 So far she had not spent more than a few months in 
 it. She was a bird of passage. At that moment she 
 was in Pennsylvania visiting her people, and was 
 not expected back in England till the autumn. 
 
 It was half -past five when I stepped off the hot 
 street into the cool, tiled hall of Anerley Mansions, 
 and ascended by the lift to the third floor, on which 
 Maud's flat was situated. It was a hideous-looking 
 structure, more like a barracks than a place of 
 habitation for men and women who could afford 
 to pay a decent rent. 
 
 The two friends had one of the smallest suites in 
 the block, yet they paid a hundred and sixty pounds 
 a year for it. 
 
 It was very pretty and home-like inside. Maud 
 
 197
 
 i 9 8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 had provided most of the furniture, while the artist 
 had attended to the decorations. The small drawing 
 room was lined with her exquisite sketches, chiefly 
 of foreign places, and the scheme of color, if a little 
 daring, was attractive. It made a very good setting 
 for Maud's dark beauty, and I had never seen her 
 look better as she rose to greet me that afternoon. 
 We kissed one another as a matter of course, and she 
 patted my cheek, and said in her most caressing tones : 
 
 "Poor old boy, is it worried, then? Never mind, 
 come and sit down and have a nice cup of tea and tell 
 me all about it." 
 
 I threw myself into a low chair covered in yellow 
 damask, and looked round the seductive little nest 
 with the feeling that I had come home. 
 
 My welcome had never failed me there as yet, and 
 here I was completely immune from criticism, from 
 blame, from the haunting sense of failing to reach an 
 impossible standard. My wife, God help her and 
 me, had now become my censor and judge. As such 
 at least I regarded her, though yesterday was the first 
 time she had openly shown her dislike and anxiety 
 concerning my acquaintance with Maud Lacy. 
 
 "What's up now, Gib?" said Maud quickly, 
 observing that my gloom did not lift. "Nothing 
 gone wrong in the city, surely? The other day you 
 were all agog with assurance over your success." 
 
 "There isn't anything wrong there, my dear; it's 
 nearer home. You 've got to muzzle that young ass 
 Cyril, Maud, or he's going to make trouble." 
 
 "What's he been doing?"
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 199 
 
 She paused in the act of putting a match to the 
 spirit kettle, and the attitude she unconsciously 
 struck was very graceful. Maud was certainly a 
 beautiful woman, and the luxurious life, the associa- 
 tion with beautiful things, had given to her a certain 
 undefined charm. She knew, as ever, how to make 
 the best of her charms, and it had often puzzled me 
 why she did not marry one of the numerous city men 
 who admired her. 
 
 I had sometimes had an inward thrill in the as- 
 surance that it was on my account she had remained 
 single, and just lately I had even admitted to myself 
 that in some respects undoubtedly she would have 
 suited me as a wife better than the one I had got. 
 When a man goes so far as to make such admission 
 to himself, the foundations of his house are in a bad 
 way, and he had better look to them. But with 
 many men such a feeling never gets further than a 
 vague dissatisfaction to which they are afraid to give 
 definite form. 
 
 "Jawing," I said as I threw myself back in my 
 chair. "Jawing at Finchley." 
 
 "To the missus, about us?" 
 
 I nodded, and I saw a look of intense interest 
 deepen on Maud's brilliant face. She was not upset, 
 as I had been nay, I could almost have sworn that 
 my information gave her a certain amount of 
 pleasure. She was never careful of the feelings of an- 
 other woman, or made the smallest attempt to dis- 
 guise the fact that she aimed at being first always. 
 
 "What did he say, and what did the missus say?
 
 200 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Tell me exactly what happened. This is most ex- 
 citing," she said as she sat down and drew her chair 
 a little nearer mine. 
 
 I had a brief struggle with myself, for at the back 
 of my mind the feeling of loyalty to Hester still 
 lingered, and it revolted at the thought of dis- 
 cussing her with another woman. I knew how she 
 would regard such an unpardonable breach. I could 
 see the fine line of her lips, and the deepening fire in 
 her eyes at the mere suggestion of it. 
 
 Maud, still looking intensely interested, her bold 
 black eyes smiling ever so slightly, leaned back in her 
 chair and stirred her tea meditatively. 
 
 "So the cat 's out of the bag. It 's just the begin- 
 ning of things, isn't it, Gibbie?" she said carelessly. 
 ' ' It has its drawbacks having a prying young brother 
 in town, and he's crazy about Hester, as all very 
 young and some old men are. She's the sort that 
 appeals to their crude ideas, but she isn't any mate 
 for a real man." 
 
 I suffered this outrageous statement to pass unchal- 
 lenged, which shows how far I had descended on the 
 broad road. 
 
 "Don't look so beastly worried over it, Gib. I'll 
 take steps to shut his mouth. I think I know how. 
 Cyril knows the value of money just as well as any of 
 us. I shall appeal to that." 
 
 "I think it would be better to let the matter drop. 
 Are you still determined to go to Petersburg, Maud ? " 
 
 "Yes, of course; nothing will make me give that 
 up. I 've been looking forward to it to give me a new
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 201 
 
 sensation. What makes you ask such a stupid and 
 unnecessary question?" 
 
 "Hester asked whether you were going." 
 
 "Why, whatever put that into her head? I've 
 never breathed the idea to Cyril, and I don't think a 
 soul knows of our plan except you and me. I haven't 
 even had the chance to tell Sadie." 
 
 "It was an intuition, I suppose." 
 
 "A jealous one," said Maud with a curl of the lip. 
 "If I were in the missus's shoes I should have too 
 much pride to show my hand like that. I might try 
 to get my revenge somehow; I don't say I wouldn't, 
 but I shouldn't whine. Heavens, what fools some 
 women are ! They don't begin to know the science of 
 keeping a man. They simply tumble all their eggs 
 into one basket, and when it falls and everything goes 
 smash, they roll their eyes, and demand from Heaven 
 why they're so hardly treated. If I could string 
 a few sentences decently together, I should write a 
 book on ' ' The Whole Art of Matrimony. ' ' It would 
 be a book worth buying especially for women." 
 
 I did not answer, but took out my cigarette case, 
 a quaint, foreign thing, one of Maud's frequent gifts 
 to me. Once Hester had lifted it curiously from my 
 table in the den, and asked me where I had got it, 
 and I had lied to her, lied straight and whole, and 
 without flinching. 
 
 "I'm not very sure about Jane, Gib," said Maud 
 presently, with her own cigarette between her lips. 
 "She's a bit catty just lately. One day I met her 
 in a bus oh! it was last Wednesday and she as
 
 202 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 good as cut me dead. Very well, my lady, says I, 
 two can play at that game. I've no use for Miss 
 Jane Trent in future. Is she going to remain as a 
 permanent member of your family circle, may I 
 inquire ? If so, I 'm sorry for you, poor old boy, for 
 you'll have two watchdogs instead of one." 
 
 "She's going away next week, and wants to take 
 Hester with her." 
 
 "Then let her; it'll fit in beautifully," said Maud 
 eagerly. 
 
 ' ' But they want to go abroad. They 're talking of 
 Brittany and Paris " 
 
 ' ' Never mind where. We shan't be anywhere near 
 Brittany, and Paris is a big place. I should let them 
 go, and supply them with plenty of money, your 
 blessing, and a pat on the back, telling them to enjoy 
 themselves. Then you could have a free mind of 
 your own, eh, Gibbie?" 
 
 I smiled back, and somehow in that delightful 
 atmosphere of freedom and perfect understanding the 
 trouble of the morning seemed to fade away. Here 
 no effort was required; a man could indulge himself 
 in whatever mood was on him at the moment, and he 
 need not fear misconstruction or censorship even of 
 his most foolish words. It all pandered to the baser 
 side, of course, but most men who read these words 
 will understand how alluring such a situation can be. 
 The old Adam is strong in most of us, and the upward 
 path with its steep gradients and its lions in the path 
 seldom seems worth while. We learn wisdom sadly, 
 and through the baser part of us, and it is only when
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 203 
 
 we are old that we begin to discern the things that 
 matter. 
 
 I had come to Anerley Mansions with a sort of 
 vague, half -formed resolution to try to put Maud off 
 the Russian trip, or to back out of it myself; but 
 when I left soon after seven these fine resolutions had 
 all melted like mist before the sun, and every item 
 of the journey was fixed up taut. I just caught the 
 seven thirty-eight at King's Cross, and in my haste 
 tumbled into the same compartment with Yuill. He 
 gave me a curt nod, and said good evening rather 
 grumpily. I could not afford to quarrel with him, 
 for I did not wish to rob Hester of the friends she 
 so highly prized, but I never voluntarily sought his 
 company or talked to him unless, as now, I could not 
 avoid it. 
 
 "You're late, surely," he said, and I resented the 
 very tone of his voice, which seemed to bear interroga- 
 tion in it. 
 
 "So are you," I retorted, and unfolded my paper, 
 not intending to let the conversation go any further. 
 But Yuill seemed to be in a talkative mood. 
 
 "What are you going to do about holidays this 
 year, Trent?" he asked presently. 
 
 "I don't expect I'll get any," I answered over the 
 edge of my paper. 
 
 "Oh, surely. It doesn't pay to keep the nose to 
 the grindstone too close or too long. My sister and I 
 were wondering whether you'd care to come up to 
 Glen Isla with us in August. It 's a small place, but 
 there's a nice bit of shooting on it, and a mile of good
 
 204 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 trout fishing. We'll be going about the 28th of 
 July." 
 
 It was not in me to keep up grumpiness in view 
 of this kind and wholly unexpected proposition, and 
 I laid down my paper, and thanked him heartily. 
 
 " I 'm sure we 'd like it, and we '11 try whether it can 
 be fixed up. Hasn't Hester told Miss Yuill that she 
 and Jane have a holiday project on ? They 're talking 
 of going over to Brittany this month." 
 
 "Yes, I understand that, and I rather think 
 Christina is contemplating going with them. But 
 there is time later. They '11 probably be back by the 
 end of July, won't they?" 
 
 "I don't know. Jane talked of taking two 
 months, but I don't think there is any definiteness 
 or finality about their arrangements." 
 
 "Of course, we include your sister, too. The old 
 place is only a glorified farmhouse, but it's very 
 comfortable, and there are plenty of bedrooms of a 
 sort. We haven't asked anybody as yet but the 
 Bradburys." 
 
 I started. Sir Richard Bradbury was one of the 
 best-known and most respected members of the Stock 
 Exchange, and his wife was very well born. 
 
 I was more than surprised to hear that they had 
 consented to visit the Yuills, and the information 
 gave me an unexpected glimpse of their social stand- 
 ing. I decided that I must bury the hatchet where 
 Yuill was concerned, and give Hester a twenty-pound 
 note to buy clothes for the moors. 
 
 "They're coming for the i2th, and we've some
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 205 
 
 good neighbors on both sides of us, and we generally 
 manage to have a fairly good time," went on Yuill 
 genially. "If you can fix it up with Mrs. Trent, 
 we'll both be very glad." 
 
 I hesitated a moment, and then decided to tell him 
 about the Petersburg business. 
 
 "I've let myself in for something, Yuill. I've 
 more than half promised to go to Russia with the 
 Hurst crowd." 
 
 Yuill elevated his brows. 
 
 "I'd keep out of that if I were you, Trent. It 
 isn't good enough." 
 
 "Why isn't it?" 
 
 "I prefer not to say, but I wouldn't touch it myself 
 with a ten-foot pole." 
 
 "There's money in it if it pans out at all," I said 
 eagerly. 
 
 1 ' Yes, but there 's risks, and they '11 be kept hanging 
 on for months. I know something about these 
 concessions from the Russian Government; there 're 
 enough to turn a man's hair gray, and wear out the 
 patience of Job. Let them go, by all means, but it 
 is n't worth spoiling your holiday or your wife's for. 
 I take it you'd have to count these weeks in." 
 
 ' ' I should, and I 'm rather grudging them. I '11 see 
 what I can do." 
 
 We parted at Yuill's gate in more friendly fashion 
 than we had done for many months, and when I told 
 Hester of his proposal she flushed all over her face 
 with sudden pleasure. 
 
 "Oh, I should simply love that, Gilbert. I do
 
 206 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 want to see Scotland, and Christina has talked so 
 much about Glen Isla. I even know how you get 
 there. I am sure I could get out at Alyth Junction 
 and find my way to Brean blindfolded." 
 
 We talked it all over and in the end decided that, 
 if possible, I should withdraw from the Russian trip, 
 and, postponing my holiday, take the first part of it 
 with my wife and sister in Brittany. 
 
 But I was not even then a free man. I had Maud 
 Lacy to reckon with, and already she was proving 
 herself rather a hard and exacting taskmistress. 
 
 While not actually intruding herself on my home, 
 she left me very little leisure to spend there. Few 
 men, I fancy, had ever to make more use of business 
 as an excuse to cover up deficiencies in that respect. 
 Hester undoubtedly made a mistake in taking it all 
 as a matter of course, in appearing, at least, to be 
 satisfied with the manner of our life. One brief 
 interview with Maud scattered all my fine resolutions 
 to the wind, and I had simply to go back to Hester, 
 and explain as best I could that every detail of the 
 Syndicate's journey was arranged, and that they 
 would not let me off. The mask which I had learned 
 to dread fell upon her sweet face when I told her, 
 but she did not say a word. Her silence, though at 
 all times a relief, for when a man is in a hole he does 
 not want to talk much about it, precipitated the 
 crisis in our lives. I feel as if I could hurry over the 
 events of that tragic summer and all my base part 
 in it. 
 
 Hester and Jane departed to the Brittany convent,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 207 
 
 while I set out with the Syndicate by way of Berlin to 
 Russia. I took great pains to acquaint my wife with 
 all the details of that journey before I undertook it. 
 I even showed her a paragraph in the Financial 
 Times, giving the name of the party, but I omitted 
 to say that Maud Lacy was already on her way to 
 Russia, ahead of us. I enjoyed my visit to St. 
 Petersburg, and every moment of my time I could 
 spare from my colleagues was spent with Maud. 
 She was a most entertaining sightseer and travelling 
 companion, quite indefatigable both physically and 
 mentally, always full of fun and gaiety, and ready to 
 be interested in everything. 
 
 Though I had promised Hester to make the utmost 
 haste to St. Jacques, I was persuaded by Maud to 
 write and explain that the business of the Syndicate 
 was lagging, and that I could not get away. The 
 first part of the statement was quite true. After we 
 had been a fortnight in Petersburg, we were just 
 as far from accomplishing our object as on the day of 
 our arrival, and already some busy members of the 
 Syndicate were chafing at the inaction. To pass the 
 time, while their chief remained in the capital to work 
 up all the channels of approach to the Czar, the rest 
 of them proposed a trip into the interior to see the 
 actual land after which they were striving. I 
 grasped at this chance of getting away, for the limits 
 of my holiday made it impossible for me to join the 
 excursion to Siberia, and I could not in the circum- 
 stances ask for any extension. 
 
 When I decided to return to Paris, Maud said she
 
 208 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 would come too, that she had had enough of Russia, 
 and was tired of the intense heat and stuffiness of the 
 city. So we travelled together to Paris, and even 
 then did not part. I had written to Hester from 
 Petersburg that she need not expect me at St. 
 Jacques. I had two letters from her there, in one of 
 which she mentioned that they were expecting Yuill 
 to come for a few days. 
 
 Maud laughed when I told her this, and said 
 mockingly that I need not have any qualms about my 
 wife, who was evidently having a good time. 
 
 We stopped at the Continental, and though we 
 were careful to have rooms on different floors, the 
 mere fact of our being under the same roof in the 
 circumstances showed a carelessness of risk and 
 convention which was astonishing. It was the 
 tourist season in Paris, and any day we might run 
 across a chance acquaintance. Maud did not care; 
 I think, rather, that she enjoyed the daring and 
 abandon of the whole thing. But Nemesis was 
 already on our track. One evening, as I waited in 
 the hall for her to come down to go to the Folies 
 Bergeres, who should come off a fiacre at the door but 
 Yuill in a gray travelling suit with a kit-bag in his 
 hand. At the moment Maud, in a smart demi- 
 toilette and a most becoming hat and cloak, came 
 sailing down the staircase fastening her gloves. 
 Yuill immediately saw her, and, before he spoke, 
 measured me with his eyes. Such cold contempt and 
 loathing I have never encountered in any man's eyes 
 before nor since. He looked terrific in his anger,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 209 
 
 and I was not sure for the moment whether he 
 would not murder me. 
 
 "I've just come from St. Jacques, and you're a 
 damned scoundrel," he said between his teeth, and 
 walked past me to the bureau without another 
 glance. 
 
 Maud saw at once that something had happened 
 to upset me. 
 
 "Who's that?" she asked with a backward glance 
 at Yuill's tall figure already on its way upstairs to the 
 first floor. 
 
 "Come outside and don't jaw. I 'm feeling pretty 
 sick," I answered roughly, and we were several 
 minutes in the cab before I would deign to offer her 
 a word of explanation. When I did tell her who 
 the man was, she merely laughed. 
 
 "Oh, that one well, he 'sin love with Hester, so 
 you can cry quits. Ask him when you get back what 
 he is doing at St. Jacques. You're not half game, 
 Gib " 
 
 "His sister is there, and he had every right to go. 
 Besides, he isn't that sort." 
 
 I groaned. "I must go to St. Jacques to-morrow 
 morning, and I won't stop at the Continental to- 
 night." 
 
 I did not, and I went off in the morning without 
 seeing Maud. 
 
 But I was wretched all the time at St. Jacques, and 
 bored to extinction besides. There was nothing to do 
 there but wander on the sand dunes not even a 
 meagre band or a casino to divert one. How women 
 
 14
 
 210 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 could exist in such surroundings I could not imagine. 
 
 Hester imagined that I was worn out with much 
 travelling, and was very kind and sympathetic. 
 
 ' ' Let 's go home out of this beastly place, Hester. 
 I can't stick it any longer," I said on the second 
 morning. "Besides, if we're going to Scotland, 
 there is a heap to do first." 
 
 Miss Yuill was full of the Scotch visit, and all the 
 details were well under way. They were only 
 waiting for me, they said, to fix the date. 
 
 I had the feeling, however, that, so far as I was 
 concerned, the Scotch visit was off. And I was right. 
 The first morning I got to Gracechurch Street I found 
 a note from Yuill, written from the Hotel Con- 
 tinental. Its contents hardly surprised me, though 
 they filled me with an unholy rage. 
 
 He merely informed me that until some explana- 
 tion of that night in Paris was forthcoming, his 
 invitation to me to come to Glen Isla was withdrawn.
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 I now come to the most poignant chapter of my 
 life. 
 
 When I reached St. Jacques my mind was in a 
 ferment, for I had no means of knowing what action 
 Yuill might take in the circumstances. 
 
 My meeting with my wife was cordial enough, and 
 Hester's face was perfectly serene as she welcomed 
 me. There was no warmth in our greeting, however, 
 such as married lovers exhibit after a three weeks' 
 parting. 
 
 She looked very well, and the strain had departed 
 from her face. Also the rest and the sweet breezes 
 had filled out the hollows in her cheeks and taken 
 away some of the tell-tale lines from her mouth. She 
 surveyed me a trifle anxiously. 
 
 "You look most frightfully tired, Gilbert. I 
 suppose it is the incessant travelling." 
 
 She said this as we sat together on the sand dunes 
 overlooking the sea, and as the words left her lips she 
 put out her hand and stroked mine. I drew away 
 a little impatiently, not because I shrank from the 
 touch that had once had the power to thrill me, but 
 because I knew myself wholly unworthy. An im- 
 mense sadness was within me, corroding everything. 
 
 211
 
 212 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I who had laughed at Fate and proclaimed myself 
 strong to meet and conquer it, who had been eager to 
 brave all and do all for the sake of this dear woman, 
 was now in bitter bondage. 
 
 If, out of some strong sense of righteousness and 
 justice, the dour-faced Scotsman should elect to 
 breathe to my wife the suspicion that had now 
 become a certainty in his mind, what would happen? 
 "To know all is to forgive all" is a favorite and 
 often-quoted phrase, but it is a specious lie. Had 
 Hester been made aware of all the tortuous windings 
 of my affair with Maud Lacy, her spirit would have 
 been crushed, her heart filled with loathing unspeak- 
 able. She never could have forgiven or forgotten. 
 As I lay there, inert, on the wild bent grass, letting 
 the sand slip through my nerveless fingers, I tried 
 to face the future. Of one thing I was sure. I was 
 not yet prepared to give up my wife, to break the 
 bond that had bound us all these years. I raised 
 my head and looked at her long and intently, and 
 with such questioning in my eyes that I could see it 
 troubled her. 
 
 "What is it, Gibbie?" she asked with a tender 
 note in her voice which nearly broke me down. 
 For one mad moment I was tempted to make a clean 
 breast there on the edge of the fathomless and 
 spreading sea, to throw myself on her mercy, and 
 leave myself wholly in her hands. Probably if I had 
 obeyed that heaven-sent impulse things might have 
 mended, and together we might have made some- 
 thing of what was left.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 213 
 
 "No more Syndicates," she said, shaking her 
 finger at me. "I really think I must try to put 
 a stop to all this frenzied finance, Gilbert. What 
 is it for, anyhow? We have enough for our simple 
 needs. May I say something quite frankly ? " 
 
 "Why, of course; it's what I want to hear," I 
 answered; but I pulled my panama over my brows 
 so that my eyes were hidden. She was knitting a 
 sock just then, and for the moment her white fingers 
 ceased their skillful plying. 
 
 "I have been thinking over a great many things, 
 Gilbert, since I came to this quiet, delightful spot, 
 and a sort of clear vision has come to me." 
 
 "What of?" I asked weakly. 
 
 "Of our life. Don't you feel that there is a crisis 
 in it? We are drifting, and if something isn't done, 
 I don't know where we shall land, if, indeed, we ever 
 land at all, anywhere." 
 
 She never spoke a truer word. 
 
 "Oh, nonsense," I said, trying to speak lightly. 
 "You are hipped; you were needing your holiday 
 badly. Things will be all right when we get home." 
 
 "Do you think so?" she asked with a weak little 
 wistful smile. ' ' But I don't see just what is going to 
 make them right. We shall go back, and the city 
 will swallow you, and I shall go my lonely way as 
 before." 
 
 "But you have troops of friends, and I hear 
 about you everywhere." 
 
 She pushed back my hat so that she might look 
 deep into my eyes.
 
 214 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "A woman must fill up with something, dear, but 
 just lately I have felt so weak and faint in spirit, 
 as if I could not go on. We must rebuild our house, 
 Gibbie." 
 
 "It's no time since I paid a fairly heavy bill for 
 repairs," I said fatuously. 
 
 "It is our house of the spirit I'm talking about, 
 Gibbie, and you know it." 
 
 What could I say to that ? It was what I wanted 
 to do, beyond everything but how? 
 
 "Supposing I admit that we do want a few repairs. 
 I'm not altogether to blame, Hester. You've suf- 
 fered other people to absorb you. How often have 
 I wanted you to go to town with me, but always you 
 had some futile, piffling church or social engagement. 
 A man like me gets fed up with stuff like that. It 
 hasn't any part nor lot in the life of a real virile man." 
 
 "But it ought to have, Gilbert. Life can't be all 
 selfish striving and enjoyment." 
 
 "The laborer is worthy of his hire, and all work 
 and no play makes Jack a dull boy." I rolled out 
 my platitudes glibly, glad of them to cover the strain 
 of the moment. 
 
 "Listen, Gilbert," and her cool, soft hand closed 
 over mine a moment. "I am sorry that I have 
 fallen short. Perhaps you should have married a 
 different sort of woman. I may have made mistakes. 
 I see that I have. Let us begin again. But before 
 we can, we must get out of London." 
 
 "But I could n't live farther out, dear; even 
 Finchley is inconvenient at times."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 215 
 
 "I don't mean that. Could n't you give up 
 Gracechurch Street and ask for an appointment in 
 the country?" 
 
 I turned my head and stared at her slowly. 
 
 "Do you know what you're asking, Hester?" 
 
 "Perfectly," she answered quietly. "I want to 
 get clean away with you right down into the country, 
 miles from London, to Devonshire or Cornwall, as 
 far as it is possible to go without leaving England." 
 
 "And give up a thousand a year and its chances 
 for a measly four or five hundred and the deadly 
 vegetation of provincial life," I echoed. "Why, 
 no sane woman would advance such a proposal." 
 
 "I think I 'm perfectly sane. I wish that you had 
 never taken Gracechurch Street, Gilbert. I wish 
 that you were in Finchley, as you were at the 
 beginning." 
 
 "Which would mean that my business life had 
 been a failure." 
 
 "There are other kinds of failures," she said on 
 the spur of the moment. 
 
 I bit my lip and drew myself up, glad, perhaps, 
 of the chance to prove myself aggrieved. "Now 
 I know your true opinion of me," I said rather 
 bitterly, "Well, when you and your pious friends 
 are weighing me up, and damning me generally, it 
 might be just as well to inquire into the contribu- 
 tory causes." 
 
 I picked myself up and walked away, to find Pierre, 
 the old boatman, to take me out, and I left my wife 
 to chew the cud of such reflections as my words had
 
 216 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 awakened. I was out of temper; all my feelings had 
 jagged edges. I was wretched to the last degree. 
 We did not meet till dinner time, and then I told 
 Hester briefly I was going back to London next day, 
 and that she could come or remain with her friends 
 just as she pleased. 
 
 Her manner was a little aloof. I had closed the 
 door, and it was the last glimpse I had of the inner 
 sanctuary, the last God help me of my wife's 
 heart ! 
 
 "They are all going back on Saturday. It is 
 Monday we are to leave for Scotland," she reminded 
 me with that hesitating, shrinking manner which 
 always came to her when she was not sure of me. 
 
 "I'm not going to Scotland. This is the fourth 
 week of my holiday. I shall have to go back to 
 business at once. Dudgeon leaves on the second. 
 But that's no reason why you shouldn't go." 
 
 I saw her eyes fill as she turned away. I knew 
 afterwards how her heart had built itself on the 
 Scotch visit, how she had hoped for peace and healing 
 for us both from contact with the everlasting hills. 
 But she never spoke a word. Oh, that silence, so 
 full of eloquence, so overwhelming to the man who 
 realizes that iff hides the deeps ! I left her after 
 dinner, and took a stroll through the old Breton 
 village; looked at the women knitting at their doors 
 with that look of patient, dumb endurance on their 
 faces. For the nonce all women seemed to wear for 
 me the face of the accusing angel. We had to be 
 inside the convent at half -past nine, when the gates
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 217 
 
 were closed, and my brief experience of the cloistered 
 life ended in the morning, when Hester and I left 
 rather hurriedly together. If Miss Yuill and Jane 
 wondered, they at least made no remark, but said 
 they would follow on Saturday. I was thankful to 
 get back to London, and immediately found a cer- 
 tain amount of solace in plunging headlong into 
 business. I had not heard from Maud Lacy since 
 I left her with such scant courtesy in Paris, and I 
 certainly made no inquiry regarding her. Just then 
 I was cursing her in my inmost soul ; the spell was 
 broken, and I had no desire to see her again. 
 
 But there was not the smallest chance of that. I 
 knew her too well, and that she would lose no time 
 in hunting me up. But I had finally made up my 
 mind to break with her, to tell her our foolish 
 friendship, which had drifted into something more 
 serious, must come to an end. When a man has 
 such an ordeal in front of him his mind has not 
 many spaces left for minor affairs. 
 
 Miss Yuill and Jane returned on Saturday, and on 
 Monday the trio departed for the north. As Hester 
 clung to me for a moment on the platform at King's 
 Cross with such mute anguish of appeal in her eyes, 
 my heart melted within me. 
 
 "Darling, I'm sorry!" I cried with all my soul in 
 my eyes and voice, "I'll |try to be better. I'll 
 come up for a long week-end and fetch you home, 
 and we'll talk over everything and see whether we 
 can't make something better of it." 
 
 Her eyes brightened and beamed on me with all
 
 218 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the love of her faithful heart, the love that had never 
 swerved from me in all the years we had been 
 together. Once more I felt myself lifted up, as I had 
 been in those glad days at Terveuren, when all the 
 world was young, and we had love and to spare. I 
 went on to Gracechurch Street and put in a hard (fay 
 at my desk, trying to find solace and diversion in 
 my work. 
 
 I called in Dudgeon, arranged with him about his 
 holiday, giving him a few extra days, complimented 
 him on his faithfulness, and, generally speaking, put 
 in a satisfactory day. I went home early and spent 
 a good hour with the gardener at Grey Gables, 
 making all sorts of suggestions for its improvement. 
 I could see that my sudden interest was rather 
 puzzling to Rickett, who for the life of him could not 
 help dragging his mistress's name into every dis- 
 cussion. 
 
 "Perhaps the missus would n't like this, sir," he 
 would say, or "The missus said she wanted aubretia 
 all over that hanging border for the spring." 
 
 I remembered that Hester had spoken of a rock 
 garden and we discussed that and picked out a suit- 
 able place for it, and I went indoors to draw a plan 
 of it. If only I could do something to please her, 
 that was my high desire! 
 
 Next day I came home even earlier and went to 
 the golf course, where I played a foursome with three 
 men I had never met before. We had such a good 
 match that we dined together in the club after, and 
 I went home about nine and wrote a long letter to
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 219 
 
 Hester. Next morning's post brought one from her 
 written the morning after her arrival. It is before 
 me on the desk as I write. After giving some details 
 about the journey, and some little description of 
 Yuill's beautiful shooting lodge, which appeared 
 to be a more pretentious place than he had led us 
 to expect, she wrote about our private affairs. 
 
 "I am thinking a great deal, naturally, about what 
 we talked of at St. Jacques the other day, and I think 
 that perhaps this little separation will be good for us. 
 I am sure this place has a message for me. Its 
 majesty and beauty bring one near to God, and seem 
 to show up the littleness of human affairs. This 
 morning I awoke quite early, and after I had watched 
 a most wonderful sunrise on the little loch below the 
 house, I crept back to bed and began to go over 
 things in my mind. We have been married twelve 
 years, Gilbert ; it seems almost incredible, but on the 
 anniversary of our wedding, I want you to come away 
 with me back to Lucerne for another honeymoon, 
 where we shall blot out, if we can, all the years that 
 have been between. We have not had the happiness 
 we hoped for, and now I am blaming myself very 
 much. I can see wherein I have failed. I have even 
 been selfish in my desire to live the life I liked. I 
 have not given enough thought to your point of view. 
 I have forgotten how different everything looks 
 to a man, and that it is not possible for him ever 
 to be content with the things that fill up a woman's 
 life. I had an impossible ideal in front of me. 
 I suppose it was the austerity of my upbringing,
 
 220 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 w 
 
 and I have always been a little afraid of the actual 
 facts of life and experience. I have shrunk from 
 them. I often ask myself why God did not give 
 me children to broaden my outlook, and give me 
 fuller knowledge of life. I want you to forgive 
 me all the disappointment I have caused you, my 
 dear husband, and when we begin again, as we are 
 going to do in October, I shall try to be different. 
 I am willing, if you desire it still, to leave Finchley, 
 though I shall give up Grey Gables with a pang. 
 But if we have fresh surroundings it will be easier 
 and better for us both. You will show me what 
 you want, and I will do it sure you will never ask 
 me to do or to be anything that would jar upon 
 my principles. I want to thank you for the happi- 
 ness you have given me. At times, until quite 
 lately, we have been very happy. I am thinking as 
 I write of all the women who have never tasted love, 
 who do not know what wedded happiness can be. 
 And I have had my share. Never think anything 
 different from that, Gilbert, and I am thanking 
 you for it now from my heart. I see that I have 
 brooded too much, have been too introspective. 
 But you are going to teach me to take things more 
 lightly, and to be happy in your way when October 
 comes." 
 
 I laid down the letter with a curious sick appre- 
 hension, and I could not finish my breakfast. I did 
 not want such a letter; it was not one which a 
 man with something on his conscience could read 
 with pleasure. Her wistful humility stung like a
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 221 
 
 two-edged sword. I crushed it in my pocket and left 
 the house, thinking I would wire to her in the course 
 of the morning, and write her another letter in office 
 hours, if I had time. There was a heavy postbag. 
 Dudgeon was away, and I had not given instructions 
 to anybody else to open the bag, or sort out the stuff, 
 and I addressed myself to the morning's task with 
 as much energy as I could muster. But my thoughts 
 were in far Glen Isla. I was trying to picture Hester 
 wandering by the side of the little loch, and ponder- 
 ing by what means I could get there. I had even in 
 contemplation an explanatory letter to Yuill which 
 would pave the way. 
 
 But that letter was never written; none of them 
 were. About eleven o'clock, just as I had got 
 through with the bulk of my business correspondence, 
 a telegraph message was brought to me. 
 
 It was from Yuill at Glen Isla, and these were the 
 words it contained: "Come at once. Urgent." 
 No explanation, no hint of what had happened, only 
 these maddening, inscrutable words. I grasped at a 
 time-table, found I could catch a train at two-twenty, 
 and at two o'clock I was at King's Cross. 
 
 I knew that it was useless to telegraph inquiries, 
 for Hester had told me Brean Lodge was ten miles 
 from the station at Alyth Junction, and that they had 
 only one post in the day. 
 
 I arrived at Dundee about four o'clock in the 
 morning, and found I had to wait until six before I 
 could get a train to Alyth. The distance was too 
 great to compass except by train, and I had no choice
 
 222 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 but to go into the hotel and snatch an hour's sleep. 
 At ten minutes past seven I arrived at Alyth, and 
 Yuill was on the platform. I stalked up to him and 
 glared into his big-featured, solemn face almost 
 savagely. 
 
 "What has happened? Is my wife ill?" 
 
 "She's dead," he answered, without taking the 
 smallest trouble to pick his words or soften the blow. 
 I stared at him unconvinced. 
 
 ' ' Dead ! What of ? Was it an accident ? ' ' 
 
 "No accident heart failure. Come outside; 
 the drag is there, and I'll tell you as we drive up." 
 
 He did not speak a single word of condolence or 
 sympathy, simply related hard facts. I followed 
 him out into the delicious wonder of the summer 
 morning, like a man in a dream. 
 
 A high, smart, yellow-painted drag, with two 
 magnificent black horses, stood there in charge of a 
 station loafer. Yuill took the reins, leaped to the 
 box-seat, and motioned me to a place beside him. 
 All the time it was as if he abstained from looking 
 at me, resolutely doing what was necessary, and no 
 more. 
 
 ' ' What happened ? " I asked desperately. ' ' Please 
 to remember the hell I 've been in since I got your 
 telegram sixteen hours ago, and be as brief and as 
 explicit as you can." 
 
 "It was yesterday morning," he said curtly. 
 "We had all breakfasted together, and we were 
 exploring the postbag before going out to the moor. 
 We were all out on the terrace. Your wife had two
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 223 
 
 letters. While she was reading one she seemed to 
 faint away. We tried to restore her, and sent to a 
 neighboring lodge where we knew a doctor was 
 among the guests. When he came over he said she 
 had died of heart failure." 
 
 "But why?" I asked dully. "Had she had any 
 heart disease?" 
 
 "That I didn't ask him. It was the direct result 
 of shock, caused, as your sister will tell you, by the 
 perusal of one of the letters she got." 
 
 "Who was it from?" I asked, not caring, in my 
 desperation and anguish, though the whole world 
 knew what I had done. 
 
 "That I don't know. Your sister took possession 
 of the letters. She will give them to you, doubtless, 
 or tell you what you wish to know." 
 
 After that a silence as of the grave fell between us, 
 and we drove through the glory of the morning into 
 the heart of the everlasting hills where she had found 
 the peace and oblivion for which her tortured spirit 
 had longed. 
 
 We came, in little over an hour's time, for the 
 horses did not lag on the hilly way, to the beautiful 
 old house standing sheer against the belt of firs, 
 with the heather hill behind it, and the moor in 
 front. 
 
 Its beauty seemed to make a mock of me, and the 
 sun was all aglow, as if it had no kinship with human 
 pain. 
 
 I passed into the house, and they took me some- 
 where to a room, where Jane, like a Nemesis, was
 
 224 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 awaiting my coming. She had no welcome for me, 
 not any word of sympathy. Her eyes, like those of 
 a stranger, looked into mine; her voice, cold and 
 distant and menacing, broke the dreary stillness. 
 These were the words she said: 
 
 "She is dead. You have killed the sweetest soul 
 God ever made. I pray He may forgive you, for I 
 never can!"
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 I stared at her stupidly, uncomprehendingly, con- 
 scious of nothing but an amazing deadening of all 
 sensation. I suffered no pain, no apprehension, no 
 shame, though my own sister's eyes were full of a 
 matchless scorn and contempt. I only wanted to 
 know. 
 
 "Yuill spoke of a letter or letters she received. 
 Who were they from?" I asked calmly. 
 
 A small bag of black velvet with a silver mount 
 hung by her side; she opened it with a snap, and 
 took out a crushed sheet. 
 
 "There's the precious thing that killed her, and 
 why God permits you and such men as you, Gilbert, 
 to live and poison the pure air of Heaven, He alone 
 knows." 
 
 I was still unconscious of shame, though I felt the 
 color slowly mounting to my face. I took the 
 thing, and saw it was in Maud's stylish handwriting. 
 I read no further than the first sentence "Darling 
 old boy" then crushed it in my pocket, and looked 
 straightly at Jane. 
 
 "Where is she?" I asked roughly. 
 
 "Upstairs. I have the key of her room, and I 
 don't know whether I am going to let you see her," 
 
 225 
 
 15
 
 226 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 she said steadily. "She does not belong to you any 
 more. You cast her off. You hurt her and were 
 cruel. I have sworn that none except those who 
 loved her shall go near or touch her now." 
 
 Then something seemed to break within me, and I 
 gave a great cry. 
 
 "But I love her, God in Heaven knows I do! 
 Stand aside, woman, and let me go to her. She's 
 mine, I tell you, mine, and not all the powers of 
 Heaven or hell will keep me from her." 
 
 I saw her shrink from the torrent of my woe. She 
 stood aside, opened the door, suffered me to pass out. 
 She seemed to realize that the deeps were opened, 
 and that for once in my poor mockery of a life the 
 truth had spoken in me. I followed her up the 
 winding stair, and she opened a door. I entered, and 
 it was closed behind me. I was alone with my dead. 
 
 It was a holy place. They who understood her 
 had not sought to shut out the sun, which lay upon 
 the large wide room in a mellow flood. 
 
 I saw nothing but the bed, a great four-poster 
 hung with old-fashioned chintz and covered with 
 something made of lace, pure white as the snow. 
 
 I moved across the sunny floor, and so stood, look- 
 ing down upon that which lay so still and motionless, 
 the empty shrine whence the pure spirit had fled. 
 She might have been asleep, so serene was the face, 
 so unlike the hideous thing we call death. Her hands 
 were clasped above a spray of white heather. I had 
 another in my breast pocket which she had sent me 
 in her letter, telling me it was a harbinger of peace 

 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 227 
 
 and luck. I wondered whether both had been broken 
 from one little bough. 
 
 Such an immense calm was upon me that I took in 
 every detail and beheld with eyes which missed noth- 
 ing the majestic beauty of her face. 
 
 On it was the child look of wonder and of peace, 
 the look of one to whom the Vision had come, with- 
 out fear and without reproach. 
 
 She was safe nay, more she was happy; she had 
 returned to the Heaven whence she had come, and 
 with which she had never severed kinship or com- 
 munion on earth, while I, who for all these years had 
 been entrusted with her care, and had so basely 
 betrayed that trust God, where was I? 
 
 I do not know how long I stayed there, or what 
 happened. I may have prayed, I may have been on 
 my knees. I may have cried aloud to her I do 
 not know. But in the dusky heat of the afternoon 
 I found myself miles from the house lying prone 
 upon the heather, where I drew from my pocket 
 the accursed thing that had killed her. It was part 
 of my punishment that I had to read it through, that 
 I had to discover how it had come to that remote 
 place. It was all capable of the simplest explana- 
 tion, as are most of the happenings of life. There 
 is very little mystery, after all, in our scheme of 
 things; each step of the way depends for surety or 
 the reverse upon the one which went before; each 
 issue marches to its logical and inevitable conclusion. 
 The letter was written from the H6tel Continental 
 at Paris, where Maud had found a woman friend.
 
 228 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Surmising that I had gone to St. Jacques, she had 
 addressed me there. To prevent confusion, Hester 
 had left instructions with the nuns to forward any- 
 thing that might come for her direct to Glen Isla. 
 Either they had not troubled to discern between 
 husband and wife, or had thought it was of no 
 consequence; anyhow, the letter intended solely 
 and privately for me had been readdressed to 
 Hester, who, doubtless, overpowered by her inward 
 fears, had opened it. 
 
 That was all. A few lines of that letter were 
 enough to confirm her worst fears, to convince her 
 beyond doubt that Maud Lacy and I were far more 
 to one another than we had any right to be. It was 
 a love-letter in the most hateful sense, and a pro- 
 prietary letter as well, such as no wife could read and 
 preserve her faith in her husband. I ground my 
 teeth as I glanced rapidly over the contents, tor- 
 turing myself with imagining how the words would 
 burn upon my wife's brain and heart. There were 
 allusions to her in it, the pitying, half-contemptuous 
 phrases with which a bad woman can write of the 
 good one she has supplanted. 
 
 In a fit of rage and fury, I tore it into a thousand 
 pieces, and scattered it to the four winds of heaven. 
 But it did not ease my intolerable burden. I was a 
 murderer in the eye of Heaven, if not of earth. In 
 that white old house on the hillside there were at 
 least two persons who did not and would not acquit 
 me of my wife's death. They had to be faced again, 
 for there were hideous details to be settled, a funeral
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 229 
 
 to be arranged and endured, all the myriad and awful 
 accompaniments of death to be faced and overcome. 
 I picked myself up, and, standing for a few brief 
 moments in that utter loneliness, with the cry of the 
 curlew and the crooning song of the moorland burn- 
 ing in my ears, faced the awful thing that had over- 
 taken me. In it I saw the hand of God, the great 
 Judge and Avenger, and I knew that my lifelong 
 punishment had begun. Nothing that human beings 
 could do to me could equal or touch the cankerworm 
 which must now prey upon my vitals to the very 
 end of my life. 
 
 I was ready for them; they could do their worst. 
 I made my way with long, swinging strides toward 
 the house, and Yuill met me at the open door. 
 Whatever his inward estimate of me, and that 
 undoubtedly was the lowest one man could enter- 
 tain toward another, he would not forego altogether 
 the duties of his house. 
 
 "You must come and get something to eat," he 
 said, not kindly, but straightly and quietly. "Din- 
 ner is over, but there is something ready for you." 
 
 "I break no bread in this house," I answered him, 
 man to man. "No, nor stop under its roof. I saw 
 a little inn as I came up the glen. I will find a room 
 there. But before I get my bag, perhaps you will 
 be good enough to inform me what will be the 
 best steps to take regarding the removal of of my 
 wife to London." 
 
 Yuill leaned against the lintel of the door and eyed 
 me steadily.
 
 230 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Your sister and I have decided to bury her here. 
 If you step inside, Miss Trent will come to you and 
 give her reasons. We decided that this morning 
 before you came." 
 
 "She is mine," I answered hotly, "and I take 
 her where I will." 
 
 But Jane, who had been on the watch for me all 
 day long, joined us at the moment, and I gathered 
 from the expression of her face that her will would 
 prevail against mine. "We shall not let you take 
 her away," she answered clearly. "We and we 
 alone have the right to her now. But I will tell you 
 why we have decided to lay her in Glen Isla, though, 
 remember, I recognize no right of yours to be told. 
 We went together driving one day to a little kirk on 
 the other side of the hill, where there is a handful 
 of graves. It is remote from everything but God. 
 Her eyes were wet as she slipped about among the 
 mounds, and as we turned to go she said to me: 
 'Jane, I want you to make me a promise here.' 
 
 "I asked her what it was, and she answered: 
 
 " 'Wherever I die, promise me you will bring 
 me here to sleep. I love this place. It has lifted me 
 up. God has come quite near to me here among 
 these old hills, and I have neither fear nor sorrow 
 any more in my heart.' ' 
 
 Her voice broke upon the last words, and, turning 
 abruptly, she left us. Yuill turned away, his big 
 shoulders heaving, while I, feeling a worm in the 
 dust, had no balm for my burning eyes. 
 
 I went into the house, took my bag, and strode
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 231 
 
 away down the white ribbon of the road to the inn, 
 and I saw them no more till the day on which we 
 laid her in the place which she had chosen. There 
 was much pity expressed for me by those who knew 
 nothing beyond the fact of my wife's sudden death. 
 I do not know how I comported myself among the 
 interested strangers watching me. I only know that 
 the day was got through, and that from the church- 
 yard gate I drove straight to the train that was to 
 bear me away to the hell waiting for me. I was 
 glad to get away. Some day, I told myself, when 
 my heart and life should be purged, some magnet, 
 some cord from out eternity, might draw me once 
 more to that little green enclosure in the lap of the 
 hills, but that must be a long way off. Meanwhile I 
 had to find myself, to get in grips with the thing 
 that had actually overtaken my heart and life. 
 Naturally a kindly person, my torment was now 
 intensified by the memory of my own thoughtless 
 cruelty spread over a long period of years. I had 
 been cruel to the being I loved best on earth, and now 
 she was beyond reach either of my cruelty or my 
 atonement. I arrived at King's Cross at half-past 
 six on Saturday night, and at once drove out to 
 Finchley to the home which would never more be 
 brightened by her presence. My one desire was to 
 get there, to shut the door upon myself within its 
 walls, and there indulge my grief, my impotent woe. 
 There I could be alone, if not with her, at least with 
 my memory of her. I cannot write of that night. 
 The marvel was that the morning found me sane
 
 232 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 and alive. More than once, in the silent night- 
 watches, the devil was at my elbow, whispering to 
 me of the quickest and the easiest way out. But 
 always something held me back, an unseen force, 
 which kept me from the coward's grave. 
 
 Toward the morning a little sleep came to me, and 
 after breakfast I was able to speak to Mrs. Rickett, 
 the gardener's wife, who had been caretaking in our 
 absence; all the servants having gone for their holi- 
 days. Oddly enough, it had never occurred to me, 
 when in Glen Isla, that there was anybody in London 
 sufficiently interested to be told. No notice had 
 appeared in the London papers. My wife was an 
 obscure person, I thought, known to very few, and 
 her death would not seriously affect a wide circle, 
 but in this, as in many other premises regarding her, 
 I found myself entirely at fault. 
 
 When I told Mrs. Rickett, she looked at me with 
 unbelieving eyes. 
 
 "The missus dead and buried oh, sir, it can't be 
 true!" she wailed, and wrung her hands like a person 
 distraught, as, indeed, she was. 
 
 I put the few particulars in her possession, and left 
 her to tell Rickett, and from that hour he was a 
 changed man. They had both loved her with a love 
 which found its chief expression in most loyal and 
 willing service. Before that ghastly Sunday was 
 over, I regretted that I had parted with my painful 
 secret so soon. Mrs. Rickett managed somehow to 
 get news of the event to St. Luke's Church, and in 
 the afternoon, as I sat on a chair in the veranda,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 233 
 
 the Jermyns suddenly came in at the gate. I rose 
 a little wildly, looking round for some means of 
 escape, but none offered. I gripped the back of 
 my chair and stood up, nerving myself for the 
 ordeal at hand. After all, I told myself, I had to 
 begin somewhere. If life were to be lived at all, I 
 had to face the world. Something more than sym- 
 pathetic concern sat on their faces; there was the 
 genuine sorrow of those who feel themselves person- 
 ally bereft. 
 
 "Can it be true what we have heard through our 
 cook this morning, Mr. Trent? Has our dear and 
 precious friend really left us?" said Jermyn, striving 
 to steady his voice, which betrayed his genuine 
 feeling. His wife was frankly in tears. 
 
 "My wife is dead," I answered, speaking in a dull, 
 straight voice like some schoolboy reeling off his 
 task. "It was quite sudden; a heart failure. We 
 buried her in Glen Isla; that is all " 
 
 I don't know how it struck them; they looked at 
 me oddly, and there was a moment's tense silence. 
 Obviously the rector felt himself at a loss, and 
 realized that the commonplace expressions of sym- 
 pathy or of religious condolence would in this case 
 be wholly out of place. We were not intimate. 
 Of late years, indeed, it had fallen out that we had 
 met but seldom. 
 
 "It is an irreparable loss to us, to this parish, to 
 the whole neighborhood," he said at length. "In 
 fact, it is a loss which will never be fully realized by 
 any of us. She was unique, noble, as nearly perfect
 
 234 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 as a human being can be. Sir, I am unable to offer 
 any kind of condolence to you." 
 
 "I want none," I answered thickly. "Please go 
 away and leave me alone." 
 
 It was then that the woman's heart was touched, 
 and, looking at me with much kindliness, Mrs. 
 Jermyn tried to say that which would most comfort 
 me. In her ignorance she made choice of a whip of 
 scorpions. 
 
 "It is all too terrible and too sad, but at least we 
 have had her, Mr. Trent. Our life would have been 
 so much the poorer if we had never known her. 
 When we feel like that, what must it be to you? I 
 pray that God will bind up your broken heart, and 
 somehow fill the home empty of her presence." 
 
 They went away with that, and I was powerless to 
 utter another word. I heard afterwards that they 
 had been much impressed with the vastness and the 
 dignity of my unutterable grief, and that I had risen 
 thereby in their estimation. The idea made me 
 smile, when I could smile again, because it once more 
 demonstrated the colossal ignorance in which we 
 human beings live in relation to one another, and 
 how futile are most of our attempts at complete 
 understanding. 
 
 Next day I went blindly down to the city, where 
 the news was not known yet, and the day passed 
 better for me than I expected. And so for several 
 days until the one dawned which brought me face 
 to face with Maud Lacy once more. When she was 
 shown into my room, such a whirlwind arose in my
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 235 
 
 bosom that everything swam before my eyes, and 
 I was not for the moment master of myself. She 
 brought with her a whiff of her own subtle scent, 
 and was altogether an attractive vision in her summer 
 attire, as her silken skirts made swish through the 
 doorway. When she spoke, her voice had the airy 
 ring of perfect ignorance or indifference, or both. 
 
 "So you are back!" she cried. "I only got back 
 from Switzerland last night, and came in on the off- 
 chance to-day just to ask whether you think you have 
 treated me well. But, Heavens, what is the matter 
 with you? Why do you look at me like that?" 
 
 There was sudden apprehension in her voice, and 
 she put up her hand and pushed back the white 
 veil which had always been a distinctive feature of 
 her attire. I walked to the door to make sure of its 
 fastening, put my back against it, and answered her. 
 
 "My wife is dead and buried in Scotland, and we 
 have killed her." 
 
 I had no wish but to take my full share of the 
 blame, but I felt an unholy joy to see the fine, high 
 color recede from her cheek. 
 
 She lost her proud carriage, too, in that awful 
 moment, and sank into the nearest chair. 
 
 "Gilbert!" she said in a shaking whisper. "You 
 don't mean that she that she " 
 
 "She didn't commit suicide, if it is that you mean, 
 only God was merciful and took her. It was your 
 letter which did it, your damnable letter. In God's 
 name, if you had to write it, why didn't you take 
 care that it reached its proper destination ? "
 
 236 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Then she got it, opened it! I am sorry, Gilbert. 
 Oh, I wish I was dead too!" 
 
 I believe she meant it at the moment. She made 
 a spectacle of humiliation and horror as pitiable as 
 mine. 
 
 I stood glaring at her, not sorry for her suffering 
 nay, glad of it. It was fitting and just that she, too, 
 should pay some part of the price. 
 
 "I 'm trying to remember what was in that letter," 
 she said at last. "I just rattled it off one wet 
 night at the Continental when I was feeling hipped 
 because you had gone off as you did, and had never 
 sent me a line. You don't happen to have it on 
 you?" 
 
 "No," I answered, "I haven't." 
 
 There was a spell of dreary silence. 
 
 "Don't stand there like an image and glare at me 
 like that, Gilbert Trent!" she cried pettishly at last. 
 "After all, it wasn't all my fault. You were always 
 willing enough. But what I want to know is, why 
 she should have taken it like that ? To die over one 
 man more or less. Heavens, you weren't worth it. 
 No man is! Laugh at them, fool them, get what 
 you can out of them but die for them it's, 
 it's ineffable!" 
 
 Still I did not speak, for I think I felt at the 
 moment that the room was too narrow for her and 
 me. How strange it was! Outside, the hum and 
 roar of the street traffic, while London hurried about 
 its business; inside the building, all the orderly 
 machinery of business life; while within the room
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 237 
 
 where we stood it was narrowed down once more to 
 the primal issue presented first in Eden. 
 
 "You're not very enlightening," she said as her 
 nervous fingers began to fumble with the fastenings 
 of her veil in a vain attempt to replace it as before. 
 ' ' I have the right to know. Please answer me these 
 questions, and then I'll go. How did it happen 
 that she got the letter? Don't you take any better 
 care of your private correspondence than that? I 
 didn't take you for quite a fool, Gilbert." 
 
 "We had left St. Jacques. It was sent on to 
 Scotland after her. They thought I was there too, I 
 suppose. She, having her own suspicions, for it 
 appears to me that she had known more than we 
 think, opened it." 
 
 "And and did anybody else see it?" she asked 
 feverishly, the instinct of self-preservation asserting 
 itself. 
 
 "Jane read it, and has not spoken to me since." 
 
 "And these other people she was with, the Yuills?" 
 
 "I don't know how much Yuill knows. He, too, 
 has suspected since the day we lunched together at 
 the Great Eastern." 
 
 "Was there an inquest and all the usual fuss? 
 What did you say there ? It must have been horrible 
 for you." 
 
 "There are no inquests in Scotland." 
 
 "The best thing I 've ever heard about the beastly 
 country," she said with perfect sincerity. "And 
 you buried her there? Where's Jane?" 
 
 "Still with the Yuills."
 
 238 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "But I suppose she'll come back to you and keep 
 house, and it will all be as before. Heavens, what a 
 queer thing is life!" 
 
 "She'll never come back. She's put me outside 
 the pale," I answered, and began to unlock the door. 
 She stood a moment irresolute in the middle of the 
 room. She had received an undoubted shock, but it 
 was not in her nature to suffer anything to overmaster 
 her. 
 
 "It's horrible! I'm sorry. I 'd I 'd have left her 
 alone if I 'd had any idea she was like that, or or so 
 bound up in you. As I said before, you 're not worth 
 it, Gilbert no man is. I 'm dead sick of everything, 
 and I've a very good mind to go back to Russia. 
 There 's somebody there who would be rather glad to 
 see me. But I won't desert you, Gilbert. We ought 
 to suffer together." 
 
 I opened the door and stood aside for her to pass 
 out. I was incapable of speech at the moment, 
 because if I had once opened the flood-gates I knew 
 I should become an irresponsible being. It was 
 better to part in silence. She offered her hand, but 
 I could not touch it. Looking at me strangely, as 
 one might intently study some familiar thing that 
 suddenly presents a new front, Maud Lacy passed 
 out of my room and my life forever.
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 When I reached home that evening I found on the 
 hall table a copy of the local paper, published at the 
 end of each week. Something made me open it out 
 at once, and the first thing that met my eye was the 
 heading, "The late Mrs. Trent of Grey Gables. An 
 appreciation. By one who knew her." I dropped 
 down on the hall seat and began to read. It was a 
 long article in close type, extending to a column and 
 a half, and had evidently been written by one who had 
 had an intimate acquaintance with Hester. It was 
 most beautifully expressed, but the thing that amazed 
 me most was the amount of information regarding 
 my wife which was entirely new to me. I marvelled 
 as I read, not at the tale of her endearing qualities, 
 which had never been hidden from me, but at the 
 number and nature of her activities in the place. I 
 now learned for the first time how she had spent 
 herself, and been spent for the community in which 
 she lived. I had understood vaguely that she was 
 interested in all good works, and had carried a good 
 many of them through, but now the sum of her 
 actual labors was set before me in clear print, an 
 astounding record, as well as a complete revelation 
 of a life whose outer fringes I had merely touched. 
 
 239
 
 240 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 The article dealt first with her work at the women's 
 meeting connected with St. Luke's, and which was 
 held every Monday afternoon. About two years 
 after we came to Finchley, Hester, after much urging 
 from Mrs. Jermyn, who was out of health, had 
 undertaken its sole conduct. She had asked my 
 advice before she accepted, but I, not being interested 
 in that class of occupation, had treated it with my 
 usual flippancy. 
 
 "If you wouldn't find it a beastly fag, do it by 
 all means. Only don't let them wear you out, old 
 woman. The church crowd is notoriously the most 
 ungrateful on earth." 
 
 I read how the thing had grown and flourished 
 under Hester's fostering care, how the accommoda- 
 tion of the parish room had become inadequate, and 
 a larger hall had to be found, how precious that 
 Monday hour had become to the women not only of 
 St. Luke's, but of a far wider constituency. And it 
 was primarily for Hester they came. I stared 
 stupidly at the words. "The whole explanation of 
 the movement which has done so much to lift up the 
 working womanhood of our town and district, is that 
 Mrs. Trent gave herself. These words might be 
 written in letters of gold above every action of her 
 life: 'She gave herself." It went on to tell of her 
 sympathy, her practical help, her spiritual insight 
 into the needs and sorrows of others, her untiring 
 devotion and cheerfulness, and her sweet humility. 
 "She was so approachable, no one feared to go to her 
 with their story, either of sin or distress. Literally
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 241 
 
 following in the footsteps of the Master she served, 
 she did what she could. The loss to us is irreparable. 
 A movement is on foot to make some memorial of 
 this beloved woman who has been a succorer of 
 many." 
 
 I was still staring stupidly at these words, marvel- 
 ling that the outside world should have been capable 
 of such appreciation, when a shadow fell across the 
 tiles of the open porch. A young man stood there, 
 looking eagerly, almost imploringly, into the house. 
 When I rose and spoke to him, inquiring his business, 
 his distress seemed to increase. He hurriedly drew 
 from his pocket a copy of the very paper I was 
 reading. 
 
 "Oh, sir, is this true? Is Mrs. Trent really dead? 
 I had not heard. I can't believe it! She was the 
 best friend I had in the world." 
 
 I asked him to come in. I took him to the library 
 and begged him to tell his story. He did. It was a 
 common one of weakness and easy stumbling on the 
 downward way. Hester had come across him, had 
 helped him with money, and with advice ; in a word, 
 had lifted him from the slough of despond and set 
 him in a safe place. As I listened, the wonder and 
 the bitterness grew in my heart because she had been 
 able to save all but me. I found myself taking a new 
 r61e that night, the r61e of sympathizer and helper. 
 This poor lad must have some one to step into the 
 breach ; perhaps this was the work which Hester had 
 left for me to do. I had no right to advise or judge 
 a man in such trouble, because I had fallen so far 
 
 18
 
 242 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 short, yet I had such understanding of his case, that I 
 was able to send him comforted upon his way. This 
 gave me a sense of nearness to her, and for the first 
 time a light seemed to shine across the awful dreari- 
 ness of my path. As I went slowly upstairs after he 
 had gone, I thought of all the evidences that had been 
 marshalled before me in the last days. Not one had 
 passed without its toll of tribute to her memory. 
 
 All sorts and conditions of men and women had 
 spoken to me, and I found myself the object of a 
 peculiar and respectful sympathy which had almost 
 unmanned me. They argued from the premises that 
 if they missed her so much, what must her loss mean 
 to me ? For the first time I took courage to enter the 
 place of sacred and most poignant memory, the first- 
 floor room which had been Hester's shrine. It was as 
 she had left it, all orderly and sweet, but it struck me 
 with a sort of chill. Since my home-coming I had 
 occupied one of the guest rooms at the farther end of 
 the passage, and had not so much as opened this door. 
 I entered by way of the dressing room, and closed the 
 communicating door. Restfulness was the note 
 struck by that wide, low chamber, restfulness and 
 purity. A carpet of French gray was on the floor, 
 and the hangings were gray, with a border of worked 
 roses at the hem. I remembered how many days 
 Hester had sat over them, getting all the shades to 
 tone, and how pleased she had been with the effect 
 when all was finished. She had called me in to 
 inspect and criticize, and I think I had said it lacked 
 a dash of color.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 243 
 
 The only note of contrast was struck by the deep 
 pink frieze against the ceiling. There was not 
 much furniture and no heavy wardrobe, for Hester 
 made a wardrobe room in one of the attics. As she 
 used this one often as a boudoir, she had utilized the 
 wall space where a wardrobe might have stood by 
 placing against it an old Dutch bureau which to- 
 gether we had bought in an antique shop in Harwich. 
 It was locked now, but her keys were in my pocket. 
 She had left them in her basket downstairs, but had 
 not troubled to write about them, evidently assured 
 that no one would intrude upon her private papers. 
 
 Until now, I had had no wish to do so. I ap- 
 proached the desk, fitted the old brass key in it, and 
 pulled down the flap. In the pigeon holes all the 
 household and personal accounts were neatly dock- 
 eted, while in one of the deep drawers were some 
 letters tied with pink ribbon. My face flushed as I 
 saw that they were my own, all the happy nonsense 
 I had penned to her during the brief term of our 
 engagement. Every one, even the smallest note, was 
 there. 
 
 I could not have laid hands on one of hers now to 
 save my life. I was not the kind of man to cherish 
 such souvenirs. My material soul was all for 
 destroying the things that were done with, and it was 
 one of my favorite axioms that old letters are merely 
 so much lumber, which ought to be destroyed ruth- 
 lessly before they make confusion in more senses 
 than one. Hester had never refuted such vandal 
 statement, doubtless her answer had been a little
 
 244 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 far-away smile. In her own place she could do as 
 she liked, and nobody had the right to forbid her 
 her secret treasures. Three drawers were below the 
 flap; the upper one was locked. 
 
 When I opened and drew it out, I was surprised to 
 find there several writing-pads piled one on another. 
 I had often seen her using such a pad, sometimes on 
 her knee, sometimes at the desk, and had twitted her 
 about her rivalry of Jane, who had made some success 
 with fugitive articles, and was even then engaged in 
 a more ambitious effort. I lifted up one and found 
 that it was filled from end to end with Hester's neat, 
 easily read handwriting, each page numbered, and 
 some of them dated. Further inspection informed 
 me that it was my wife's private diary, kept faith- 
 fully from the time of her marriage. It gave me a 
 strange thrill of fear, and I hastened to close the 
 drawer and turn the key. That record, if it were 
 faithfully set down, must contain a circumstantial 
 and colossal indictment of myself. I made up my 
 mind, as I hastened from the desk, that I would 
 never read it, that I would take my courage in both 
 hands one day, and burn it in a fire which would 
 consume every letter and page of it. Yet all the 
 while I knew myself consumed with a fierce desire 
 to take it out and discover my wife's estimate of me, 
 her version of our dual life. 
 
 Before I left the room I looked at other things, at 
 the little spindle-legged table by the bed on which 
 stood the slide containing what Hester called her 
 ' ' bedside books. ' ' They were chiefly religious. The
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 245 
 
 Bible, an old ivory Prayer Book her mother had 
 carried on her marriage day, a morocco copy of 
 a Kempis (a thing I had always hated and shrunk 
 from, and regarding which Hester and I had had some 
 heated arguments), one or two favorite novels, and 
 some volumes of poetry, about a dozen together, all 
 beloved and marked in places because they had 
 helped to build up the inner life to which I had 
 been such a total stranger, but to which I now had 
 the key. 
 
 In the night watches, when I awoke, as I often did 
 at that time, with a start of horror, realizing what 
 had befallen me, I felt myself drawing nearer and 
 nearer to the old Dutch bureau, I saw myself with the 
 writing-pads in front, devouring the contents. And 
 when I awoke there was no escape. Next day was 
 Sunday, and it rained. Behold me, then, about ten 
 o'clock in the morning, carrying my wife's tablets 
 down to my own den, and laying them on my desk. 
 Then I lit my pipe and sat down resolutely. I told 
 myself I would merely dip into the pages, that it was 
 necessary I should do so in case they might contain 
 some instruction or some guidance for my future 
 behavior, or even some behest it would be my sacred 
 duty to fulfill. 
 
 But all the time at the back of my mind, remote 
 from all these specious excuses I made to myself, 
 there was the one fierce and overmastering desire: 
 to learn what Hester had really felt and thought and 
 suffered during the years we had been together. 
 
 The diary began with the date, November, 1897,
 
 246 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 immediately after our marriage. It was dated from 
 the Bank House, Finchley, and must have been 
 begun when we returned from our honeymoon. 
 Without further preamble, I present the untouched, 
 unedited record of my wife's hidden life. 
 
 "I have always wished and intended to keep a 
 proper journal, merely for my own use and instruction 
 as I went through life, but somehow until now there 
 seemed nothing to record in it except trivial happen- 
 ings and vague desires and hopes and thoughts. All 
 these have suddenly crystallized into a glorious 
 reality, and I must perpetuate it, lest it should by 
 some unexpected turn of events be snatched from me. 
 At La Grenade the days, though happy, seem now 
 in comparison purposeless. I had my niche to fill 
 there, and my old dears have assured me that I filled 
 it well. 
 
 "But a subordinate place in a boarding school, 
 even where one is fairly happy and completely 
 trusted, cannot be set down as a full destiny for a 
 woman in whose heart God has implanted every 
 womanly instinct. 
 
 1 ' In the year before I met Gilbert I was conscious 
 of an oddly growing unrest of soul. Sometimes I 
 used to ask myself whether I should have to go on 
 living at La Grenade, teaching fresh girls until I was 
 quite an old, gray-haired woman. I loved the girls, 
 but sometimes my spirit quailed a little at the 
 prospect of having to pilot other people's children 
 through these few unimportant years of their lives.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 247 
 
 "And all the time God was preparing a splendid 
 destiny for me, getting me ready by the way of 
 patience and discipline to make a home. 
 
 "And now I am in it, and I am so happy I want 
 all the world to know it. Perhaps it is because I 
 have had such a lonely life. Since fifteen I have 
 had no home. I have no people, and that is always 
 very sad for a woman. For a man, perhaps, it does 
 not so much matter, though I think, from what 
 I have observed, that those who are brought up 
 in large families have the best chance of happi- 
 ness. 
 
 "It is not possible for them, in all the happy 
 camaraderie of family life, to become either selfish, 
 morbid, or introspective. I was very pleased when it 
 was decided that I was to take Florrie and Bertha 
 Lacy to England, and I was quite conscious of a 
 happy thrill of inward excitement. 
 
 "Something told me it was going to be an eventful 
 journey for me, personally, and, indeed, it proved so, 
 changing my entire life. 
 
 "I wonder may I whisper here on this page, 
 which nobody but myself shall ever read, that the 
 only flaw in my happiness is the knowledge that it 
 was at the Lacys' house where I met my husband 
 first. 
 
 "I was not long with them, but there was some- 
 thing there which hurt me. I am afraid to set it 
 down here; it will seem so wicked and ungrateful 
 after all the joy that has come to me through it. 
 But I was glad to get away from Helston, and I am
 
 248 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 profoundly thankful that it was quickly settled that 
 we should not live there. 
 
 "Here Gilbert and I are quite alone, and surely it 
 will be my fault if the home is not all it ought to be. 
 He is so kind and dear, so big and strong and tender. 
 I am never done marvelling that he should have 
 found anything to care for in me. And he is so clever, 
 too, with a quick, relentless kind of cleverness which 
 I am sometimes just a tiny mite afraid of. He knows 
 so much about people and about things, and can 
 dissect motives in a moment. 
 
 "Just once or twice I have felt that it is rather nice 
 not to be clever, and to believe more easily in people. 
 I like nearly everybody, only with a very few people 
 I feel such a shrinking of spirit, that I never want to 
 meet them or see them or come into contact with 
 them. I am very sorry that I should feel so about 
 some of Gilbert's friends, especially those he is very 
 intimate with and cares most about. 
 
 "I am afraid of Maud Lacy, for sometimes she is 
 not quite kind in the things she says about people. I 
 am afraid, too, that she does not always take the 
 trouble to be accurate. Gilbert teases me some- 
 times about being what he calls 'school-marmy,' and 
 that I must begin presently to take broader views of 
 life, but I should be terrified to feel about people and 
 things as Miss Lacy does. It would make me so 
 unhappy and ashamed. 
 
 "I have many things to thank my dear husband 
 for, but most of all I think I love him for giving me a 
 real sister in Jane.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 249 
 
 1 ' They are so different, only a little alike when they 
 smile. Both have such a beautiful smile, so ready 
 and sunny. Yet when he is serious, Gilbert can 
 look very stern, and I think in business I should fear 
 him rather. Perhaps it is because I know so little 
 about men that I say this. I am struck dumb by the 
 power they have, and how they can make or mar the 
 whole of life for a woman. I am sure I could never 
 be quite as much to Gilbert as he is to me. He has 
 so many interests; I have only him. 
 
 "But that is as it should be, I am sure, and I pray 
 God that he may never find me wanting. 
 
 I 
 
 ' ' It has been such fun and so intensely interesting 
 furnishing our dear little house. I am sure that 
 people who can simply go to a shop and order any- 
 thing they fancy miss a great deal of joy. We have 
 to count up how much we can afford to give for each 
 article. Even when we have to go without, we tell 
 one another it is only a pleasure deferred. What a 
 dear, big child Gilbert is in such matters! Some- 
 times I feel so much older, almost as if I had lived 
 before. Already I find two distinct personalities in 
 him. In business he is rather terrible, so keen and 
 hard, and so amazingly clever. That is the Monsieur 
 of whom Babette stands so obviously in awe. She 
 simply shakes in her sabots when he rings the bell. 
 'Monsieur ees so big an ires terrible. 'E spik so 
 loud!' 
 
 "And yet his heart is so tender, he could not hurt 
 a fly. I wonder whether Babette and he will ever
 
 250 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 understand one another. Just at present it seems 
 rather hopeless. I wonder why Englishmen, when 
 they cannot make themselves understood in a foreign 
 tongue, go on shouting louder and louder. 
 
 "That is what terrifies Babette. The other 
 morning Gilbert wanted his boots very quickly, not 
 the pair she had brought, but another, and the 
 confusion was hopeless. Finally, when Babette was 
 on the point of tears, Gilbert burst out laughing, and 
 she retired completely mystified. She confided to me 
 afterwards that she was quite certain the moment 
 had come when Monsieur had determined to cut off 
 her head. To me she is the greatest possible comfort . 
 Such devotion and such capability do not, I think, go 
 often hand in hand, especially in England. In 
 some respects England seems to me rather crude, and 
 the life of the suburbs is not as yet dignified. People 
 are everywhere making something houses, busi- 
 nesses, churches. Perhaps also they are making 
 themselves in the process. It is interesting to 
 watch. Sometimes I wish it had not been our lot to 
 establish something, that so much did not depend 
 on Gilbert making much business at the new bank. 
 One has to push so hard for that, and not to be 
 scrupulous. My husband is born for something 
 better, I feel sure. 
 
 1 ' I can well see how lonely it is possible to be in a 
 place like this. There is no precedent, no established 
 order of things, nobody to lead. People do not call 
 on one another, however kindly they may feel,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 251 
 
 because they do not know whether their neighbors 
 wish to know them, or whether even they will be 
 desirable friends. It is hard to undo acquaintances 
 after they are made, therefore people have to be 
 careful. But the outcome of it all is much loneliness 
 for those who are fond of society. We have not had 
 any callers yet, though I meet people outside, and 
 in the shops, where I go to buy what I require, who 
 look very nice. Sometimes I speak to them, and 
 then they are so pleasant. Everything seems 
 complicated here in England. The machinery of 
 life is cumbersome. I have lived so long abroad, I 
 can see where both the French and the Belgians have 
 the advantage of us. They are simpler, they are 
 content with less, ask not so much from life. It is 
 all intensely interesting. I can never be dull here; 
 there is so much to think about and to study. 
 
 "We have had much joy in our first visit from 
 my father-in-law and Jane. They came for the week- 
 end just after we came home. I love Jane so much. 
 She has been like a mother to these two big children, 
 but they don't know it. They speak of her kindly, 
 but with much condescension, and take everything 
 for granted where she is concerned. Laughing very 
 much, she said to me one day that she was not sure 
 whether even they conceded her a soul. It is amaz- 
 ing that they can have lived so long beside her, with- 
 out discerning what a great soul she has. I have 
 never met any one quite like her, and her knowledge 
 of human nature is uncanny. She simply looks
 
 2 5 2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 at a person, and knows him or her through and 
 through. 
 
 '"It is men who carry on the work of the world,' 
 she said to me one day, 'but it is women who keep 
 it green. Conceive of a world peopled by men! 
 You know what happens to them in mining camps, 
 in barracks, in places where they are herded together 
 without us. They lose all that is worth preserving. 
 I don't want to do a man's work; I can't think why 
 any woman should. It is so infinitely less than ours, 
 when its whole sum is told. We have to keep alive 
 the spark of divine fire. Most of us do it badly, but 
 without us there would be nothing but black dark- 
 ness. I 'm quite content to be a woman ' 
 
 "That is the sort of talk which makes one think. 
 All the time I want to know more and more what is 
 inside of Jane. As this is my quite private record for 
 my eye alone, I may set down what she said to me 
 personally when she was getting ready to go away. 
 
 "I don't pray very much, Hester, but every day 
 I thank God for giving you to Gilbert. He was what 
 you needed, and you did not come into his life a 
 moment too soon. I don't say he has deserved you, 
 mind, but I 'm glad he has got you. That alone has 
 evened up, for me, a little of the injustice of life.' 
 Even yet I don't quite grasp all she meant. Perhaps 
 I shall understand better later on, but I thank God 
 for Jane. She is so true and brave and fine. I am so 
 thankful she cares for me. 
 
 "I love to watch Gilbert and his father together,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 253 
 
 and their fine courtesy to one another. Gilbert says 
 'sir' to him, as if he were his superior officer. Gil- 
 bert has told me what his father said to him once 
 when speaking about his wife. He explained that by 
 her death the mainspring of his life was broken. 
 That seems to explain all that needs explanation in 
 his life, his apparent godlessness and indifference, the 
 strange, bitter way he has of looking at things. I 
 wish I had known Gilbert's mother; she would have 
 helped me so much to understand him. Mr. Trent 
 is most kind to me. When he went away he kissed 
 me, and said, looking at me in the eyes: 
 
 "'My dear, I've seen your home. I wanted to 
 see it. Probably I shall never come to it again. I 'm 
 an old man, and I don't pay visits in other people's 
 houses. I go back more than satisfied Gilbert has 
 done well for himself. His marriage with you is the 
 wisest thing he has ever accomplished in his whole 
 life. Keep the rein tight. It's what we all need. 
 And so long as that soft, steady light burns for him 
 in your eyes, both he and you will be right. Good- 
 bye. Come to Helston and see the old man who 
 wishes you well.' 
 
 "Somehow my eyes filled with foolish tears at 
 these words. There was such finality about them. I 
 wish they said more about Gilbert, and less about 
 me. They speak as if I had some great responsibility. 
 I am not cut out for responsibility. I have moved in 
 such a narrow groove." 
 
 My reading was interrupted at the moment by the
 
 254 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 sound of wheels on the gravel outside, some vehicle 
 coming up the approach to the house. I sprang up 
 and hastened to the window and beheld a station fly 
 with luggage on the top. Immediately thereafter 
 Jane alighted from it. I was struck dumb, and did 
 not know what to do. Somehow I thought our 
 parting at Glen Isla had been final, and though I was 
 of course aware that she could not remain per- 
 manently with the Yuills, I had not troubled myself 
 about her future movements. I had now been home 
 ten days, and no communication had passed between 
 us since. Some instinct made me hide all the tablets 
 in a drawer, which I locked, putting the key in my 
 pocket; then I proceeded gloomily and apprehen- 
 sively downstairs. Jane was now in the hall, direct- 
 ing Rickett what to do with her baggage. When she 
 saw me she came forward, holding out her hand. 
 
 ' ' How do you do, Gilbert ? ' ' she said in her ordinary 
 voice. "I was not sure whether I should find you 
 here. The Yuills had other guests, and it was time 
 for me to come home." 
 
 I stared at her stupidly, and we walked together 
 into the dining room.
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 As we faced one another in the cool, soft light of 
 the room which Hester had taken such pride in, I 
 thought Jane's look was kindly, though remote. 
 
 I wanted to say a number of things, but my lips 
 refused to move. 
 
 She spoke first. "I have come back, Gilbert, to 
 see whether I can be of any use to you in rearranging 
 your life. I have come at Hester's bidding." 
 
 Her voice was quite quiet and assured, and I could 
 only wait until she chose to explain her strange 
 words. 
 
 "When we parted that day we buried her, I did 
 not think I should ever wish to see you again. I 
 was stunned, horrified, overwhelmed. I could hardly 
 even think. Then it was borne in on me that I had 
 to find some place for myself, that I could not 
 quarter myself much longer on the Yuills. It was 
 all very dark and dreary, and I did not know what 
 to do." 
 
 "Well, then, and who advised you to come back? " 
 I asked in a voice that had small resemblance to 
 my usual arbitrary tones. 
 
 "I am coming to that. I asked for guidance, as I 
 have always done all through my life, and it came, 
 
 255
 
 256 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 but not in the way I expected. May I sit down, 
 Gilbert? I am feeling very tired." 
 
 I hastened to set a chair for her, and she drew off 
 her gloves, took the pins from her black hat, and laid 
 it on the table. I noticed the smooth braiding of her 
 hair, its exquisite neatness, and at the same time the 
 breadth and nobility of her forehead. She was in 
 her own way a beautiful woman. 
 
 "Won't you sit down too, Gilbert? for the thing 
 I am going to tell you will take a little time. I don't 
 expect that you will believe it, but that it all hap- 
 pened I am as certain as I am before you now." 
 
 My eyes must have glowed with eagerness, but 
 my heart beat with a strange suffocation; I felt that 
 I was about to hear something strange, perhaps even 
 terrible. But now nothing could surprise me. I was 
 even prepared to hear that Hester was not dead at all, 
 so unreal was the whole world in which I lived. 
 Presently she began again. 
 
 "After everything was over, and you had gone, 
 I asked Christina whether she would mind if I had the 
 room where Hester had been, and where you saw her. 
 I had the feeling that somehow it might bring her 
 nearer to me. I felt as if there was nothing at all 
 left in the wide world when we came away from the 
 old kirkyard that day and left her to her rest. She 
 had no objection ; she even liked the idea, and that 
 night we stopped a long time together in the room 
 talking about her. I will tell you here, Gilbert, that 
 Miss Yuill does not know the whole story. Even 
 Andrew, I think, does not, though he knows a part."
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 257 
 
 She said this, I thought, to comfort me, and once 
 more her eyes rested on my face with something of the 
 old kindliness of expression. 
 
 "When you went away, Gilbert, I never wanted 
 to see you again. I hated you so much that in heart 
 I was almost, if not quite, a murderer. It was wrong. 
 God showed me it was quite wrong. That is why I 
 am here." 
 
 She seemed garrulous and discursive, I thought, 
 taking a long time to get to the point of her story, if 
 she had one to tell. 
 
 "I was telling you how I came to occupy her 
 room, and the second night I was there, in the middle 
 of the night I woke up quite suddenly with a start, 
 certain some one was there. It was Hester. I saw 
 her as plainly as I see you now." 
 
 "It's impossible!" I said thickly. "Such things 
 do not happen." 
 
 "They do to some people. I have seen father 
 twice, Gilbert, since he went away, only it was no use 
 talking about it. This is different. Hester's return 
 concerns you, and I had no choice but to come back 
 to London to tell you." 
 
 She babbled on, apparently quite unconscious of 
 the torture to which she was subjecting me. "I sat 
 up, stretching out my hands joyfully, not in the least 
 afraid, Gilbert. She looked so sweet and so happy. 
 There was a light on her face which belongs to the 
 other side. She did not speak, and when I cried out 
 her name she pointed upward, and with a smile 
 seemed to fade away. I sat up a long time, hoping 
 
 17
 
 258 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the vision would come again, but it did not. I had 
 no fear. I fell asleep after a time, and had the best 
 sleep I had had since she died. Next day I told 
 Christina. She was not in the least surprised. They 
 believe in the second sight in Glen Isla, and she 
 says there are some to whom the spirits appear 
 with a message. We talked a good deal that day 
 about what I should do with my life, and we 
 agreed that perhaps if Mr. Yuill could spare her, 
 we might go together abroad to Florence or to 
 Rome for the winter. That night Hester came 
 again. She stayed longer, and she spoke just once 
 in her own quiet voice, so naturally, as if she were 
 in the flesh. 
 
 "All she said was, 'Go back to Gilbert; he needs 
 you; go now." 
 
 Jane stopped there and looked at me strangely and 
 keenly. 
 
 "I can't believe it, Jane," I stammered. "If such 
 things were possible, surely she would have appeared 
 to me." 
 
 "Perhaps she may come one day; you see, I have 
 never been detached from her in spirit. Since the 
 moment we first met, our hearts clave to one another, 
 and we have never had the slightest misunderstand- 
 ing. Anyhow, I am here. Shall I stay? Have you 
 made any plans? Can I be of any use?" 
 
 "I have no plans. I never shall have any," I 
 answered recklessly. "You can stay if you like, 
 but I have nothing to offer you in the way of a 
 home, except these walls. I can promise nothing,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 259 
 
 for I don't know what a day will bring forth." 
 "I shall stay. We shall learn from day to day 
 how to go," she said simply. "There are only you 
 and I left, Gilbert, and she loved us both." 
 
 I was unable to answer her, for again it was as if 
 something snapped in me. I fled from her presence 
 and shut myself up once more to ponder on the 
 strange message my sister had brought. Never was 
 there a saner, more practical, less morbid person in 
 the world than Jane, and that she absolutely believed 
 what had happened in the old white house of Brean 
 was evident. It had wrought such a change in her 
 front toward me that she had come of her own free 
 will to offer me her help and sisterly comradeship. 
 Of herself she could not have done it, for her whole 
 being had risen in conflict and rebellion against me, 
 and she had not wished to see my face again. To 
 find some relief from the whirl of my thoughts, I 
 turned once more to the leaves of the journal, and 
 was presently so completely absorbed that I forgot 
 my sister was in the house. 
 
 It began again under the date loth December. 
 
 "Something new and delightful has happened to 
 me. I have made a friend. It is such a rare thing 
 in this world, that it is worth setting down. For two 
 Sundays we had attended St. Luke's Church, and we 
 both liked the service and the preaching of the rector, 
 Mr. Jermyn. I had already heard from various 
 sources, but more especially from my little woman in 
 the newspaper shop on the Parade, how much they
 
 2 6o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 are beloved in Finchley, and what good they do. 
 To-day they came to call on us. They are quite 
 lovely people, the sort you know at once and with 
 whom you feel at home. Mrs. Jermyn is a soldier's 
 daughter, like me, and was born in India too. I 
 suppose that made a sort of bond to begin with. I 
 think Gilbert liked them, but sometimes I wonder 
 whether he is really shy at bottom. Certainly he did 
 not show up at his best, and I wanted him to so very 
 much. When one is very proud of one's husband, 
 and thinks the world of him, of course she wants that 
 opinion both confirmed and shared. It has been such 
 a misfortune for Gilbert to have had no church life at 
 his own home. Nothing can ever quite make up for 
 that. He talks of the church-going habit as he might 
 talk of the golf habit or the walking habit, just a 
 thing one takes up or not as it happens. This strikes 
 me as very strange and rather awful. Yet I don't say 
 anything. Why is it, I wonder, that we babble so 
 incessantly about things that are of little account in 
 comparison, and keep silent altogether about what 
 really matters? People are so busy living here, they 
 have no time to think or speak of the life that is 
 beyond. It has as yet no place at all, so far as I can 
 see, in Gilbert's thoughts. But to me it is all quite 
 real and precious. I wonder whether he will care 
 after a while, and be interested, or whether I shall 
 come round to his way of thinking, and go with him 
 perhaps to the golf course on Sunday morning, 
 instead of to church? 
 
 "We have also got to know some delightful Scotch
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 261 
 
 people who live in Totteridge Lane. Their name is 
 Yuill, a brother and sister, middle-aged, well-to-do, 
 altogether delightful. Mr. Yuill is a jute merchant, 
 but is also on the Stock Exchange, where Gilbert says 
 he has been very successful. I am so glad that 
 Gilbert likes them. He plays golf with Mr. Yuill, but 
 it makes him very despondent because the Scotchman 
 is so much better at the game. The brother and 
 sister are very happy together, and there is a sort of 
 dry humor between them which often makes us 
 laugh. When he wants to tease her very much he 
 calls her Teen, but her real name is Christina, and 
 she is really very dignified. But she has the kindest 
 heart, and there isn't anything about housekeeping 
 she does not know. She tells me all sorts of out-of- 
 the-way bits of household lore. I write them down 
 in a book, and will try to teach Babette. 
 
 "Every country has its own way in domestic 
 affairs, and from each one can learn something. 
 Miss Yuill speaks about foreign housekeeping as a 
 'clanjamphry.' I hate asked her to spell it for me, 
 and to explain it. She laughed very much, and said 
 it meant 'mixter-maxter,' which did not enlighten 
 me in the least. Then Andrew laughed very much, 
 and told her to leave off tormenting the bairn. From 
 that it is easy to see how intimate we have become 
 quickly. I had always heard that Scotch people are 
 difficult to know, and that they stick out all round 
 like their own thistles, and jag every time you pass 
 them. It isn't true not a single word of it. And 
 they are full of the most delightful dry kind of humor.
 
 262 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Mr. Yuill says that the Scotch are not only the most 
 humorous nation in the world, but the only one. I 
 am so glad we know them. Life gets more interesting 
 every day. 
 
 "I have pledged myself to write down all the 
 happenings of my life, big and small, pleasant and 
 unpleasant, but hitherto I have had nothing but 
 pleasant things to record. To-day I have some- 
 thing different to set down, and I have put it off 
 longer than I ought. It is five days since I wrote 
 anything here. We have had a visit from Maud 
 Lacy. She arrived one afternoon without sending 
 any notice, and of course I imagined that she had 
 only come to call. I was alone in the house, and 
 directly I saw her at the door I had the odd feeling 
 that the house did not belong to me. I felt flurried 
 in spirit, and it was quite a few minutes before I 
 could compose myself to give her a welcome. Of 
 course this was very foolish, and there was not the 
 shadow of an excuse for it. I scolded myself well 
 for it, and tried to be as friendly and natural as 
 possible. She kissed me on both cheeks. I hated 
 it mortally, and I'm afraid I must have shown it, 
 though I tried not to. Then she began to talk 
 immediately about our honeymoon, asked how I 
 had enjoyed it, and how I liked Gilbert as a travelling 
 companion. 
 
 '"You must not be jealous, Mrs. Gib,' she said 
 with rather a loud laugh, which showed her dazzling 
 white teeth. 'You see, he and I have been pals so
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 263 
 
 long, ever since we wore pinafores, that I can't 
 relinquish him all at once. A ripping good sort is 
 Gib, only you mustn't spoil him. He likes his own 
 way always did. Occasionally I used to put on the 
 brake, and it was good for him. Don't be above 
 taking a bit of advice from an old campaigner. I 've 
 had a lot of beaux in my time, and when you know 
 how to manipulate one, you have 'em all.' 
 
 ' ' I did not know what to say to this strange medley 
 of speech. I thought it atrocious taste, of course, 
 and most impertinent as well, to talk so to any 
 woman about her husband. Then I tried to laugh 
 and to assure myself that it was merely the Lacy 
 point of view. I had carried away with me from my 
 memorable visit to Helston a sense of their lack of 
 reticence. Nobody was permitted sanctuary in 
 their house ; everything, even one's innermost feelings, 
 seemed to be common property. It was like living 
 in a Commune, and having all the barricades torn 
 down and trampled on. But I felt myself shrink, 
 and I am quite sure my expression must have been a 
 little hostile. I rang the bank bell for Gilbert to 
 come up; Babette had gone out for the day, and it 
 was my birthday, and we were going into London to 
 dine, and go to some place of entertainment as a 
 birthday treat for me. I had been occupied all the 
 afternoon in putting a white yoke in my evening 
 frock, and I had a very smart hat. I like so much the 
 foreign fashion of high frocks and pretty hats for 
 restaurant wear. I don't think decollete is right in 
 public places. When I heard Gilbert coming up
 
 264 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the stairs whistling, I got up quite suddenly and ran 
 away to the kitchen, saying I must see about tea. 
 It was quite cowardly, but somehow I could not 
 bear the idea of seeing them meet. It was the most 
 uncomfortable, desperate feeling I had ever had. 
 Translated, it just meant that I did not want Maud 
 Lacy to be in our house. I could have shown her 
 out quite inhospitably and without a pang. I shut 
 the kitchen door, and began to cut bread and butter 
 with great haste, and even began to hum a little air 
 so that I might not hear their voices. After a little 
 time Gilbert came to me and was very sweet. But 
 when he told me that we should have to take Miss 
 Lacy with us to London, and that she wanted to stop 
 all night, I could have cried. Gilbert saw, of 
 course, how much I minded, and tried to comfort 
 me. But at the same time I saw that he was 
 determined that she should carry out her program. 
 He said he owed it to her to show her every possible 
 attention, because of all the kindness he had received 
 at their house. 
 
 ' ' ' Very well, ' I said. ' Of course, I will do my best. ' 
 "And I honestly did; but it cost me a tremendous 
 lot. My day that was going to be so happy was 
 completely spoiled. The effect she had on me was to 
 make me feel as if my house, my husband, and 
 everything I possessed belonged to her, and I was 
 a mere intruder, or chance occupant of the place. 
 
 "All at once another side of me I had not dreamed 
 existed seemed to leap up to torture and defy me. I 
 had no loving-kindness or charity or anything in my
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 265 
 
 heart, only a most unreasoning dislike against Maud 
 Lacy. 
 
 "Nobody will ever know what I suffered that 
 evening, nor how I felt when we had to come back 
 with her to our house. She wanted to sit up talking 
 to Gilbert about old times, and though I hated her 
 mortally for it, I just left her and went away to bed. 
 But I could not sleep. I cried out to God to forgive 
 me for all the hard, wicked thoughts I had been 
 cherishing, and to help me to be more charitable and 
 kind. It was all no good. I was just wretched, and 
 when Gilbert came I could hardly keep back my tears. 
 I don't think he was very happy either. Something 
 had crept in between us, a sort of deadly chill. I 
 wanted to lock our door, and Gilbert did. Our 
 privacy was destroyed. We felt almost as if we had 
 no right to be together. 
 
 "It took me several days to recover from Maud 
 Lacy's visit, and somehow we did not talk about it 
 at all after she had gone away. But I don't forget 
 about her; she disturbs me far more than anybody 
 imagines. I wonder why? How terrible if I were to 
 degenerate into a jealous woman! Could anything 
 be more degrading and appalling? I should never 
 respect myself any more. We are very poor creatures 
 after all, so much the sport of circumstance. And, 
 above all, we never can be certain how we will 
 comport ourselves in any given place. I must get 
 more things to fill up my life. My house is not 
 enough for me or for any woman. The groove is too
 
 266 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 narrow; it tends to morbidity and introspection. It 
 is absolutely necessary for the soul's welfare that one 
 should touch life at many varying points. 
 
 "I have had a long talk with Mrs. Jermyn, a 
 delightful talk, and am greatly helped. I did not, of 
 course, tell her anything about my private life, but 
 she understands that I want to have something to do 
 beyond taking care of my house; Babette is so 
 efficient, and, all our things being new, and our 
 menage so small, I could not possibly fill up all my 
 time with it. She has given me a small district to 
 visit, and has also asked me to help her with the 
 Women's Meeting she holds in the parish room 
 every Monday. I have never met anybody quite like 
 her. She has lost three children, one a splendid boy, 
 almost ready for college, and she has only one left, 
 a little daughter, not strong. Yet she does not 
 grumble or even question God's dealing with her. 
 She just accepts it, and goes on adding to the sum 
 of her work for others. It makes me feel awed and 
 ashamed, and I realize that I have a trifling soul that 
 cannot see beyond its own borders. I am sure I 
 never should be able to give up precious things in a 
 spirit like that. I should rebel and fight, and get 
 bitter and cruel. I feel all these potentialities within 
 me already. I suppose it means that I am beginning 
 to live. Where the groove is very narrow there 
 cannot, of course, be so much to fret the spirit, which 
 then becomes trammelled. I don't want a tram- 
 melled spirit. Lord deliver me from it ! I want it to
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 267 
 
 be wide and free, and full of love and light. I shall 
 try to be more like Mrs. Jermyn. I have never seen 
 anything more perfect than these two, the rector 
 and his wife; theirs is an idyll of married life. Yet 
 there is nothing namby-pamby about them ; each has 
 a virile personality, and on some points they agree to 
 differ. But their union is perfect and complete. 
 It is a union of the spirit, such as I have often 
 dreamed about. They have one purpose, the ad- 
 vancement of Christ's kingdom on earth. These 
 words will strike unreal, perhaps, and conjure up a 
 picture of goody-goody people with long faces, 
 wholly given up to church service and work, and with 
 no time for anything else. The reality is so different. 
 They are the happiest people I have ever met, they 
 laugh a great deal, and every little bit of comedy 
 appeals to them ; their home is the most joyous place 
 I have ever been in. It is what I should like mine 
 to be. I wish I understood my husband's work 
 better, and could share it. When he goes down to 
 the bank and the door is shut, I feel that I have lost 
 him, and that for the time being he has put me quite 
 out of his life. It cannot be otherwise, of course, 
 because he is engaged in purely commercial under- 
 takings, in which a woman can't be of the slightest 
 use to him. Sometimes men come in of an evening, 
 Gilbert's friends, that he has met on the golf course 
 or in business, and when I listen to them I wonder 
 whether it is really as they say out in the world, 
 every man's hand against another's, and all straining 
 to get there first. When one tries to follow them,
 
 268 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 a sort of sadness seems to settle on the spirit. 
 According to them, hardly -anybody is honest or 
 sincere in business; each one has some axe to grind, 
 some personal aim to serve. And he will serve it 
 at whatever cost to others. When I asked Gilbert 
 one day whether that was not a very low standard, 
 he laughed very much. 
 
 '"Not at all, my dear,' he said, and patted my 
 cheek as if I were a small child asking questions 
 which the grown-up intellect hardly thought it 
 worth while to answer. 'That's business, and I 
 don't want you to worry your dear little head about 
 it. A woman should be like a flower blooming for 
 beauty and fragrance. Leave the sordid fight to 
 those whose backs are made for the burden.' 
 
 "But no sane woman can be like that. If she has 
 any brain or personality of her own, she must be 
 interested in every problem. It is all rather puzzling, 
 and I had no idea life could be so complicated and 
 so difficult. I wish that Gilbert were more interested 
 in the things that interest me. He likes the Jermyns 
 quite well, but I can see that he is not quite at home 
 with them. He says that because Mrs. Jermyn is 
 an Honorable she puts on side ; I have never seen it, 
 and I don't quite know what it means. But Gilbert 
 is not comfortable in their company, and one night 
 they asked us to dine and meet some of St. Luke's 
 people, he seemed awkward and silent. The Yuills 
 were there, happily, so that he did not feel quite 
 stranded. I played and sang for them, and every- 
 body was quite kind about it. I believe I sang well,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 269 
 
 for I was feeling happy and at home. When we left 
 the Rectory, Gilbert began to chaff me at once 
 rather unmercifully. 
 
 ' ' ' You had all your goods in the front window to- 
 night with a vengeance, little woman. How is it 
 you don't trot 'em out for yours truly, eh? I could 
 do with a bit of music now and again.' 
 
 "'Oh, Gilbert, I thought it bored you. When I 
 play Mendelssohn or Beethoven you invariably go to 
 sleep.' 
 
 "'Well, isn't that what music's for, to soothe the 
 savage breast?' he said gaily. 'I'm mighty glad 
 that show's over, anyhow, and I hope they won't ask 
 us back in a hurry.' 
 
 "I felt disappointed at these words, but, as is so 
 often the case with me when I feel a thing rather 
 keenly, I left off talking about it at once. After we 
 got in the house I felt rather faint, and Gilbert 
 insisted that I should have some champagne. He is 
 so funny about champagne; he seems to regard it 
 as a cure for everything. And he fussed over me 
 such a lot, asking whether I had a pain at my heart, 
 or what it was that made me go off as I had done 
 several times lately, that at last I just took his dear 
 old head in both my hands and whispered something 
 in his ear. 
 
 "I can't write down what he said. It took me 
 right back to that wonderful day at Terveuren, when 
 I knew he loved me, and that I loved him. 
 
 ' ' He looked so noble and so good, and all that was 
 best in his fine manhood was written on his face.
 
 2 ;o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Oh, I am sure Gilbert will make a splendid father, 
 and God has been very, very good to me. I shall 
 never have any hunger of the heart again. When I 
 lay down in my bed, I asked God to remember all the 
 women who loved little children, and wanted to 
 mother them. 
 
 "In the middle of my prayer Gilbert came in and 
 knelt down too. 
 
 "And that was the very happiest night of our 
 marriage. I ask to be made worthier of it all. My 
 heart is too full to write more."
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 "It seems a long, long time since I last wrote here. 
 The actual time is fifteen weeks. I have been right 
 down in the valley of the shadow, and all our hopes 
 are gone. My little baby, for whom we had prepared 
 the nest, did not so much as open his eyes on it. I 
 was too ill to know what had happened ; and I did not 
 even see him before they took him away. Gilbert 
 has told me he was a beautiful baby, and I can see 
 that his disappointment is keen. Poor father, to be 
 bereft of his first-born at the very moment of 
 expectant joy ! He has been very good about it ; all 
 his concern is for me. Sorrow is a wonderful thing; 
 its ministry to the human heart is like no other on 
 earth. We both try to hide from one another how 
 much we feel, and to forget self even for a little while 
 must be good. 
 
 "But do we ever really forget the insistent self 
 which torments us, which makes such large demands 
 on all our resources, which is so loath to forego its 
 imagined rights? 
 
 ' ' I look now with different eyes on the babies I see 
 everywhere in the arms of their mothers, and with 
 their nurses in the perambulators on the Parade. 
 Some of them are lovely as a dream. In the suburbs, 
 
 271
 
 272 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 where they are so busy making everything, the 
 babies are wonderful. They seem to have the 
 freshness of new places, full of hope, on their faces. 
 I can hardly look at them now without a pang. I 
 tell Gilbert when I see him despondent that God will 
 give us other children, and that we shall always keep 
 a place for our first-born who has gone to make 
 Heaven real for us. When I talk like that, he rises 
 up invariably and walks away. It is not the nature 
 of men to endure patiently. They always want to 
 be taking the active part, and when some force 
 stronger than themselves ordains otherwise, they 
 simply rebel. I don't love him the less for it, and 
 I am glad that he feels it all so desperately. 
 
 "I had such kindness and care while I was ill, such 
 a good doctor and a kind nurse, a motherly hearted, 
 middle-aged person, who was always comforting. 
 She went with me to Brighton for a few days ; I was 
 picking up so slowly that they seemed to get alarmed, 
 and said I must have a change. 
 
 "Gilbert came down for the week-end and walked 
 by my bath-chair on the front. It was very windy 
 and boisterous, but the strong smell of the sea seemed 
 to get into my veins, and I came home nearly quite 
 well. It is just a little hard beginning again where 
 I left off. I thought it would all be so different. I 
 have not had the courage to look at the lovely outfit 
 which I had got ready with such loving care for my 
 little son, sewing my heart in with every stitch. 
 Nurse had put them all away, and only Babette 
 knows where they are. Babette has been splendid,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 273 
 
 and she is so patient with the young girl we had got 
 in to train so that she might help in the house while 
 Babette took baby out. Poor Babette, she had 
 got Mimi to buy her a very smart bonne's cap from 
 the Avenue Louise in Brussels, so that she might 
 strike awe into the nursemaids on the Parade when 
 she walked out with her charge. That, too, is 
 locked away. But, please God, it will see the light 
 yet. Gilbert says I am to keep the young maid, 
 and, indeed, I am glad, for I don't feel strong yet, 
 and all the things I used to do so easily seem to tire 
 me. Life is a little more serious than it was, that is 
 all, but I think not less happy. 
 
 "I cannot help thinking this has all done Gilbert 
 good, and made him more of a man, but, oh ! I wish, 
 I wish our little son was in his arms and on my heart ! 
 There he will always be nestling in his own place, 
 which no other child will ever take from him. God 
 knows, I am sure, what mothers feel when they are 
 left as I am. He has the Mother-heart Himself. He 
 understands all its yearning and pain. I leave all 
 with Him. I see now quite well that it is the only 
 way to live sanely and well. More and more I 
 realize that we are not our own. We are bought 
 with a price. 
 
 1 ' Gilbert has been much saddened by the death of 
 his old friend Mrs. Lacy at Helston. It happened 
 the very day baby was born, but I did not hear of it 
 for a month afterwards. He cared very much for her, 
 and will always mourn her. He tells me it is most 
 is
 
 274 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 pitiful the change her death has made in that house, 
 It is just as if the strong hand that kept it together, 
 having snapped, there is a kind of chaos. He does 
 not think Mr. Lacy will long survive her. It is 
 beautiful, I think, to see such devotion, but there are 
 the children. Surely if one has five or six children 
 there is something left to comfort one. Gilbert 
 says it makes no difference to Mr. Lacy. I should 
 like to go down and see him; at least I can write to 
 him. Carrie is to take her mother's place. Why 
 not Maud, I wonder? One would have thought a 
 sorrow like this would have brought out all that is 
 best in her. I had a great many calls while I was 
 ill, many from people I have never seen. Gilbert 
 was quite astonished one night when we went over 
 the cards together. 
 
 '"I had no idea that you were a person of such 
 importance, little woman,' he said. Then I laughed 
 and assured him that probably more than the half of 
 them called on his account. He has become such an 
 important person in Finchley, and the business of the 
 bank is increasing enormously. Often he says the 
 directors will have to reward him by giving him 
 another and more important post; but I don't want 
 to leave Finchley. I suppose a woman is like that; 
 her heart clings to the place where she has found her 
 first happiness. It would give me a positive pang 
 to leave this house. Every nook and cranny of it is 
 woven in with the fibre of my innermost being. I 
 have had so many experiences here, and have learned 
 the meaning of life. A man, of course, likes and
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 275 
 
 desires recognition of his personal success, but I 
 think Gilbert has had a good deal already, and that 
 he should be content for a while yet with his position 
 here. Sometimes he talks so ambitiously about the 
 future when we shall be quite rich that I feel a little 
 anxious. I am sure that I should not like the kind of 
 life he pictures for me. Quiet ways, a comfortable 
 home, a few kind and tried friends, would content 
 me to the end of my life. But as it is a wife's duty 
 to be a helpmeet to her husband, I must not throw 
 cold water on his ambitions. But I can't help 
 hoping that it will be a good while before they are 
 realized in the particular way he desires. 
 
 "So far as my observation serves me, I don't think 
 ambitious people can ever be very happy. The 
 attainment of one object simply opens up the way 
 for another, even more inaccessible. There is no 
 end to it. Shakespeare was wise when he said, 
 'Shun ambition; by that sin fell the angels.' 
 
 "The Yuills have been very successful, but they 
 don't seek to soar to farther heights. They have a 
 beautiful old house, but quite simple, and their only 
 extravagance is their carriage. I have been quite 
 glad lately that they are extravagant in that direc- 
 tion, or I should not have had so many lovely drives. 
 Directly I was able to go out Miss Yuill came to take 
 me out, and together we have explored all the 
 northern heights. It is as if quite suddenly the 
 whole world had discovered them, and so many of 
 the beautiful fields and woods are being sacrificed to
 
 276 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 make room for the houses people want to live in. 
 The 'boom,' as they call it, is extraordinary. One 
 feels thankful that they cannot touch the Heath, 
 though I seem to see a vision of it hemmed round 
 with houses like a wall. The Yuills go to Scotland 
 every summer; they have an old family house some- 
 where among the hills. Christina has asked me to 
 go one day. Perhaps I shall, but it is always a 
 golfing holiday Gilbert wants, and the sea. This 
 year he is talking about Cromer. The Lacys are 
 going there as a family. I must not cut him off from 
 his old friends in their sorrow. He goes down 
 occasionally on Saturday afternoon to call on them, 
 and then, of course, sees Jane and his father. 
 
 "I am getting to have such a number of friends 
 here, though Gilbert says they are not the sort to be 
 of much use to him. I have taken a bigger district, 
 and now I go every Monday to the Women's Meet- 
 ing. Twice when Mrs. Jermyn has not been able to 
 attend, I have had to take it myself. I was terrified 
 at first, but it is quite easy to speak to the women 
 when you know them. It is no preaching they need, 
 but just sympathy. Since my illness and I have lost 
 my baby, I seem to understand them better, and to 
 know the meaning of the pathetic look so many of 
 their faces have. They talk much more freely to me 
 too ; our common experience has made a bond between 
 us. To-day I was much surprised when Babette 
 came to say Mrs. Growcher was waiting in the dining 
 room to see me. Mrs. Growcher is a person who has
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 277 
 
 a little laundry at the Cross Roads, and who goes 
 out to do a day's washing and charing to 'eke out' 
 as she calls it. She has been a member of the 
 Women's Meeting since its commencement. She is 
 a woman about forty-five, and hard-working and 
 honest. She has had a great deal of trouble, which 
 she has met cheerfully. She has always been able 
 to laugh at things, and the woman who can laugh 
 heartily and spontaneously has infinite resources. 
 
 "But there was no laughter on Mrs. Growcher's 
 face when I went to her this afternoon. She is a 
 very plain person, with a large, vacuous face, and her 
 bonnet is never by any chance straight. One day, 
 when I was teasing her about it, she said : 
 
 ' ' ' God A 'mighty never meant hus to wear bonnets, 
 Miss I mean Ma'm. If 'E 'ad meant hus to wear 
 'em, E'd 'ave mide our 'eads different.' 
 
 "She gave me her queer little nod when I en- 
 tered, and immediately plunged into the business 
 in hand. 
 
 "'I'm in trouble, Ma'm, along o' Bill, an' I wants 
 yer to tell me what ter do.' 
 
 '"What kind of trouble?' I asked, making her 
 sit down and at the same time ringing the bell for 
 Babette to bring in a cup of tea. 
 
 "I may say without breach of confidence that Mrs. 
 Growcher was one of the brands Mrs. Jermyn had 
 plucked from the burning. She had found the little 
 home in dire straits, and the poor creature, having 
 lost heart, had taken to drink. She has nobly kept 
 her pledge for over five years now, and has paid back
 
 278 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 every penny of the money that had been advanced 
 for her to make a fresh start. 
 
 '"Bill's come back, an' is a-settin' in the back 
 room now. Ses 'e won't budge. What I want ter 
 know is: kin I mike 'im budge?' 
 
 "She looked gloomy and tragic, and certainly 
 the problem presented was a difficult one. Growcher 
 was a ne'er-do-well and a loafer, who had hardly ever 
 done an honest day's work in his life. He had taken 
 himself off when the home was reduced to the lowest 
 ebb, but having heard probably that his wife was now 
 in a better way of doing he had promptly returned to 
 the bosom of his family. 
 
 "'Where has he been all this time?' 
 
 "She shrugged her shoulders. 
 
 ""Ast me anuwer one, Miss. I don't wanter 
 know wheer 'e's bin; I only wants him ter git. 
 Bessie, she ses she '11 'it 'im on the 'ead if 'e don't, and 
 she's a gel of her word; but I don't want no shindy 
 theer. It's bad fer business.' 
 
 '"Have you been to the rector?' 
 
 ' ' ' No, Ma'm, I ain't/ she said stolidly. ' I thought 
 as 'ow p'r'aps Mister Trent mite 'elp me. 'E 'd be 
 man ter man, dontcher know, and Bill 'e won't tike 
 no jaw from a parson.' 
 
 "I could not help smiling. This would be an 
 entirely new role for Gilbert, and I felt sure he would 
 not refuse to act. 
 
 "In fancy I saw my big husband standing up to 
 the bold Growcher, making him quail with a flash of 
 his eye and the long, determined curve of his mouth
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 279 
 
 which I used to be so much afraid of at first, but 
 which now has no terrors for me, for it is nothing 
 but a make-believe to hide the kindest heart. 
 
 '"I shall certainly ask him, but he could not leave 
 business for the purpose. He could get to the Cross 
 Roads, I dare say, about six o'clock. We'll both 
 come.' 
 
 "'Thank yer, Ma'm. It's all rite. I jes ses to 
 Bessie, Mrs. Trent, she's the one fer me lud. Six 
 o'clock, then, to shift Bill from the chimbley corner 
 which he thinks is 'isn, only it ain't. Say, Ma'm, 
 God A'mighty must 'ave some queer minnits a-lookin' 
 dahn on the hinsecks squirmin' abart 'ere. I carn't 
 'elp larfin' w'en I thinks ov it.' 
 
 "She went downstairs laughing, and out into the 
 sunshine, apparently fully convinced that, having 
 shared her burden, it would presently roll away as 
 it had done before. When Gilbert came up to tea 
 half an hour later than usual, he was disappointing. 
 
 "'Sorry I can't to-night, dear. I've got to go 
 to London immediately. Have an appointment at 
 half -past six.' 
 
 "'A business appointment?' I asked. 
 
 "He said yes and explained that it was a late one, 
 because the person he had to see had been otherwise 
 engaged all day. I was disappointed, of course, but 
 tried not to show it, though somehow I felt a little 
 puzzled at this unusual proceeding on Gilbert's part. 
 I had never known him to make an appointment 
 before on such short notice. As he went out by the 
 door he looked back to say quite casually :
 
 28o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 '"I can't be home to dinner, of course. I '11 have 
 to dine the party somewhere. But I'll not be any 
 later than I can help.' 
 
 "He did not kiss me as usual when he went away, 
 and I thought he seemed worried. After he had gone 
 I dressed myself and went out by the omnibus to the 
 Cross Roads to view the situation and explain to Mrs. 
 Growcher how my husband could not come. She was 
 watching for us at the yard gate, and her expression 
 was rather gloomy. 
 
 '"Ain't 'e come, Ma'm?' she asked disappoint- 
 edly. 'Well, will you come in an' see Bill? 'E's a- 
 settin' theer yit, an' 'e's sent Judy to the Three Bells 
 fer beer. Either he gits out o' this 'ouse ternite, or 
 I gits. Theer 's goin' to be trouble ef 'e don't go 
 quiet.' 
 
 "I perceived that Mrs. Growcher's slow temper 
 had in the interval since I saw her got worked up. 
 She was a large, powerful person, who, once roused, 
 could make a very good fight. I had never seen 
 Growcher, but I confess I shrank from the ordeal of 
 interviewing him; but she was so anxious that I 
 should, that I suffered myself to be persuaded. She 
 only accompanied me to the cottage door, but left 
 me to enter alone. It was one of the very old 
 cottages, and had been already condemned by the 
 authorities, who were so anxious to have everything 
 new and up to date on the Great North Road, and 
 had small regard for the ancient and picturesque 
 landmarks. They had threatened Mrs. Growcher 
 several times with eviction, but as yet had not
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 281 
 
 enforced it. Growcher was sitting by the table, a 
 small, ferret-like creature, with a mean face and 
 shifty eyes. A big mug of beer stood in front of 
 him, and he was stuffing a fresh plug of tobacco into 
 an old and evil-smelling pipe. He glanced up when 
 I stood in the doorway, and, after a moment's 
 contemplation of me, rose to his feet, a courtesy I 
 had certainly not expected. 
 
 "'Good evening, Mr. Growcher,' I said quietly. 
 'Can I come in and talk to you for a few minutes?' 
 
 '"I don' mind,' he answered sulkily, but not 
 aggressively. 
 
 " 'I'm a friend of your wife's,' I said bravely, and 
 I closed the door, partly to show him I trusted him 
 completely, though in reality I was more than a 
 little afraid. 
 
 '"You air?' he said inquiringly. 'She's done 
 mighty well fer 'ersel', 'as Sal, but she ain't givin' 
 nuthink away.' 
 
 "'Certainly not why should she? She works 
 very hard for what she earns. I 'm going to ask you 
 something, Mr. Growcher.' 
 
 "Ast away,' he said imperturbably. 
 "I'm going to ask you to go back quite a long 
 time. How long is it since you and she were married ? ' 
 
 "He seemed surprised at the question, and began 
 to count up the children's ages on his ringers. 
 "Lemme see it's jes gone nineteen years.' 
 
 '"It is n't too far back to remember all that hap- 
 pened. You promised a good deal that day, didn't 
 you?'
 
 282 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 " ' I suppose I did never gave it a thought. Theer's 
 a lot o' tommy-rot in t' parson's service, Ma'm.' 
 
 '"Tommy-rot or not, you promised all these 
 things, to make a home for Sally, and love and 
 cherish her have you done it?' 
 
 "'She didn't give me no chanst wiv 'er bloomin' 
 tongue. Allus at me, she was. I tell yer wot, Ma'm, 
 it 's them jawin' wimmin thet 's to blime most o' the 
 time, and now I ain't goin' to tramp the streets an' 
 sleep out wen she's got a plice like this. Is it likely? 
 No, it ain't.' 
 
 ' ' I drew in a chair and sat down and began to talk 
 to him. It would take much too long to set it all 
 down, and, indeed, I was never more amazed than 
 at the ease with which I could talk to Mr. Growcher, 
 concerning his own delinquencies and all the tragedy 
 of his life. I was not in the least sure that I had made 
 any impression, and most certainly I took a great 
 deal upon myself. When I got up at last, I had 
 promised him two things : to get him work, and also 
 to ensure that he had a place in his home the very 
 first week he could bring his wages to his wife. I 
 undertook, as he expressed it, to square Sally, and 
 marched him out in front of me as if he had been a 
 child. I haven't got over the wonder of it yet. I 
 advised him not to attempt to speak to his wife 
 before he went away. 'It's deeds, not words, she 
 wants, Mr. Growcher. Bring her the money, and 
 she'll forgive the past.' 
 
 "Mrs. Growcher, her arms wet and foamy from 
 the washtub, beheld the miracle of Growcher quietly
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 283 
 
 slouching down the road. When I explained what 
 had happened, she looked at me with the oddest 
 expression. 
 
 '"Well, I never! 'Ow did yer manage it? 'E 
 sed as 'ow 'e 'd set theer till domesday, an' Bessie she 
 sed she 'd give 'im till eight o'clock, but thet not a bite 
 o' supper would e' 'ave in this 'ouse. 'Owever did 
 yer manage it?' 
 
 "I told her just a little, and when I said he was 
 going to work to prove the sincerity of his intentions, 
 she merely remarked, 'Bill work! we don't think.' 
 But I could see that my handling of him had im- 
 pressed her. I put in a word for him at the same 
 time, for I had been struck by the fact that there was 
 a spark of something good in the man, and I hoped 
 all things. 
 
 "Leaving the seed to sink into what was at the 
 moment stony ground, I went home. I was rather 
 tired when I got back, and missing Gilbert very much. 
 I wonder why I should feel uneasy because he has 
 gone away to-night. It is very foolish. A man 
 must make such engagements; and he has not been 
 in the habit of talking much about his business 
 concerns. I will go early to bed. 
 
 "It is the next day now. Gilbert was very late 
 coming home. It was after midnight. He did not 
 talk to me at all, and had no interest in the Grow- 
 chers. I am afraid his interview was not successful. 
 I don't wonder that wives hate business. It absorbs 
 the best that is in their husbands, and fills them up
 
 284 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 with worry. I wish it was not necessary for Gilbert 
 to extend his borders as he talks about. We could 
 live so simply and happily on his salary; then he 
 would have more leisure. 
 
 "Gilbert has been at Helston a great deal lately. 
 Mr. Lacy died rather suddenly, and has left my hus- 
 band one of the executors, along with Ned and the 
 family doctor. He had made quite a considerable 
 fortune in Helston, and all the children will be well 
 off. Gilbert says they will have nearly ten thousand 
 pounds each. It will make a great difference to 
 them. I suppose Maud will now be the head of the 
 house, as Ned is married. He is to have Hill Rise, 
 and the younger ones talk of going back to live in 
 that dear old house above the shop. I must go down 
 and see them one day. 
 
 "I went to Helston yesterday, and it has all 
 interested me very much. 
 
 "I went first to Hill Rise, and found them busy 
 packing up. That is, Carrie was busy, with a little 
 spasmodic help from Florrie. Maud has already 
 gone away. When I expressed my astonishment, 
 Carrie looked a little hard and bitter. 
 
 ' ' ' Maud does not mean to have much to do with 
 us, Mrs. Trent. She has always wished to get out of 
 Helston.' 
 
 '"But what will she do? Where will she go? 
 She must have a home somewhere,' I said blankly, 
 for somehow the news disquieted me.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 285 
 
 "'She's going to take a flat in London, and go in 
 seriously for the concert platform,' said Carrie with a 
 little quiver in her voice. 
 
 "'But doesn't she care about any of you here? 
 It isn't quite fair to leave it all to you.' 
 
 " 'She won't trouble about us; we get in her way,' 
 said Carrie quietly. 'I don't understand Maud, 
 Mrs. Trent. Mother never did. She said heaps of 
 things to me when she was ill, and I know Maud was 
 the only one she worried about leaving.' 
 
 "The tears rose in the child's eyes, and I saw that 
 her wound was bitter, and that she deeply felt the 
 loneliness and responsibility of her position. I was 
 surprised at the bitterness of my own feelings toward 
 Maud Lacy. 
 
 "'Never mind, dear, you do splendidly, and every 
 one loves you,' I said rather lamely, feeling that the 
 chief thing at the moment was to comfort and 
 sustain this little burden-bearer who had the whole 
 responsibility of a headless house on her shoulders. 
 
 "'Dear Mrs. Trent, I'm a pig,' she said suddenly 
 as she dashed away her tears and smiled bravely. 
 'Of course, I don't mind it in the least, really, and 
 I am only too glad to be of use to anybody. I'm 
 happiest when I 'm busy. And I don't envy Maud 
 in the least little bit. I should hate to be drifting 
 about the world like that, and I have not the smallest 
 ambition for a career. Things will sort themselves 
 out, I'm sure. Don't look so worried about me.' 
 
 "A little later I heard something from Jane that 
 I thought explained Carrie's momentary breakdown.
 
 286 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 It is quite well known in Helston, Jane says, that 
 Hubert Parfitt is in love with Carrie, and that he has 
 told his people he will never marry anybody else. 
 But in the meantime Carrie is tied hand and foot. 
 How selfish Maud Lacy must be ! But I wonder why 
 Gilbert did not tell me all the news about the Lacys. 
 Of course, he must have known; indeed, Carrie told 
 me some of the things he had said about it. 
 "I think I shall ask him when I get home. 
 
 "I did ask him but he would not discuss them. 
 He simply said: 
 
 " ' Knowing how you loathe the whole Lacy crowd, 
 I didn't care to bore you with details.'
 
 CHAPTER XVIII 
 
 "Just lately a singular depression seems to have 
 settled on my spirit; I do not know how to express 
 it in words, or to explain it, but I am daily more 
 conscious of a widening gulf between Gilbert and 
 me, a strange and almost painful detachment of 
 spirit. I wonder sometimes whether he notices it 
 too. We don't have so many happy evenings it is 
 months since we had a long walk together through 
 the lanes and across the fields. How we used to 
 enjoy those walks! How full we were of happy 
 interest in everything we saw! When we came 
 across a new house building we loved to go into it, 
 to inspect the plan of it, the situation of the rooms, 
 and say to one another what we would do if we had 
 such a house, what alterations we would make here 
 and there. And always we were full of sympathy 
 for the people who were going to live in it; we used 
 to talk about them and wonder whether they would 
 be as happy as ourselves. 
 
 "I am sure a great many wives in their secret 
 hearts bear a grudge against the business which robs 
 them of so large a portion of their husbands' time and 
 society. 
 
 "When we came to live at Finchley first, everything 
 was so different. Gilbert was always finished at the 
 
 287
 
 288 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 bank by five o'clock; then we had long, delightful 
 evenings together. There were so many things to 
 be fixed up indoors and he was so clever with his 
 hands. I always loved to see him in his shirt- 
 sleeves with a pipe in his mouth and a hammer in 
 his hand. After all our furniture was placed and 
 the house quite in order, he painted all the white 
 treads of the stairs, while I sat on the topmost step 
 with my needlework. As Babette went by to lay 
 the table for dinner she beamed upon us as if we had 
 been two happy children. 
 
 ' ' It seems a trivial thing to speak about, but to-day 
 the treads are being painted by the house-painter's 
 man, and Gilbert has not even noticed that they are 
 being done. A little thing, but it marks the differ- 
 ence! Gilbert is engrossed with bigger things; he 
 has not time now to be interested in the little affairs 
 of the house or the pattern of the Madras muslin I 
 buy for my new short curtains. I go down to Oxford 
 Street by myself and buy the muslin, and come home 
 and make the curtains in the evening when he has 
 gone to London. Shall I set down here, I wonder, 
 what I saw one day in Oxford Street when I was 
 there alone ? I know it will hurt me to see it written 
 down, but if a journal is to be a faithful record at all, 
 it must set down both bitter and sweet. I was 
 standing at a shop window just opposite Buszard's, 
 waiting for my omnibus, when quite suddenly my 
 heart seemed to stand still. I saw Gilbert and 
 Maud Lacy coming out together. They looked so 
 happy and occupied with one another, and she was
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 289 
 
 so handsomely dressed and stylish, that I suddenly 
 became conscious of my shabby blue serge coat and 
 skirt and my oldest hat. It had threatened rain 
 when I left Finchley by the twelve o'clock bus and 
 though I saw Gilbert on my way out of the bank, he 
 did not say he was going to London. I felt so strange 
 and so distressed that, in terror lest they should see 
 me, I darted into the nearest shop. It happened to 
 be a boot-and-shoe shop, where I could not possibly 
 want anything. But when the polite shopman came 
 forward, I asked for a pair of house slippers. He 
 brought out quantities, and, I am afraid, found me 
 much preoccupied. I was, in fact, watching Bus- 
 zard's door, and when I saw my husband put Miss 
 Lacy into a hansom, with great tenderness and care, 
 I thought, my heart seemed to die in my breast. 
 I took the shoes, paid for them, and walked out into 
 the open air, and it was as if a black pall had fallen 
 over everything. I cannot say any more now. God 
 give me strength to overcome all the wild thoughts 
 in my heart. If I allow them to get the mastery, 
 all will be over, I fear. I must trust my husband, I 
 must. If I cannot, there is nothing left. He came 
 home about an hour after me, but did not even then 
 say he had been in London. I tried to ask him a 
 question, but could not. My tongue seemed to cleave 
 to the roof of my mouth. I know what I was afraid 
 of, that he would say something which I would know 
 to be a lie. It is better to know nothing, to trust and 
 hope on. May God give me strength to do so. 
 
 19
 
 2 9 o MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "Is it my Gilbert I am writing of, I wonder, my 
 own man with whom I have been so happy? The 
 chill I felt the first night Maud Lacy was in this 
 house has settled permanently on my heart. It 
 seems to have brought in its train a great silence. I 
 suppose I am naturally a quiet person; but during 
 the first part of my married life I felt lighthearted, 
 and was often merry. Gilbert was so happy him- 
 self and full of fun and teasing nonsense. But all 
 that has gone. Mostly he is quiet, too, and will sit 
 moodily for an hour at a time. He looks much 
 older, I thought, to-day, and there is a peevish line 
 about his mouth. I imagine his eyes are restless, 
 and that he is ill at ease. Certainly, just lately, he 
 has become irritable, and has very little patience 
 with me. One day he said, as he dashed out of the 
 room: 
 
 '"It is about as lively as a funeral in this house. 
 Enough to give a fellow the blooming hump. Why 
 don't you get a bit of life about the place ? ' 
 
 "I wonder where it is that I have failed. Have I 
 changed so very much since the time a few years back 
 when everything I did was perfection in his eyes? 
 I have tried so hard to do all he wishes. Perhaps 
 that is it I have tried too hard. Something 
 Christina Yuill said to me one day comes back just 
 here. 'You've got a good husband, my dear, but 
 don't you set out to spoil him. Above all, don't be 
 a door-mat. I 've never had a man myself, but from 
 what I can see the happiest wives are they that exact 
 their rights. They get them, too, and make better
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 291 
 
 husbands in the process. And never you forget that 
 you are better than Gilbert Trent can ever hope to 
 be. No, I'm not flattering you; I'm only telling 
 you the truth for your own good and his.' 
 
 "I stopped her just there, feeling that it was dis- 
 loyal to my husband to listen. But her words 
 disturbed me ; they had some stings of truth in them. 
 Gilbert has entirely left off going to church, and he 
 has not been at the Rectory for nearly two years. I 
 should not dream of sending Babette down to the 
 bank for him now when the Jermyns called. He 
 says he can't stand them. I wonder have I done 
 wrong to keep on being intimate with them, and 
 clinging fast to my church life. I need it so much. 
 I have such loneliness of spirit that if I had not these 
 outside interests, especially my dear women at the 
 Monday meeting, I should never be able to go on. 
 All this looks rather tragic on paper, but there is 
 not any tragedy that is apparent to the eye. We go 
 on just the same, carrying out the routine of meals, 
 Babette cleans the rooms regularly, and we consult 
 about food, and try new things, and are outwardly a 
 perfectly normal and well-ordered household. But 
 there is a difference. Sometimes I want dreadfully 
 to consult somebody, and have even thought of going 
 down to speak to Jane But then I feel as if I had 
 not the right, for it would not be entirely of myself I 
 should speak. I should have to discuss Gilbert. 
 Whenever I feel tempted, I think of some words in 
 Romola which I have never forgotten. 
 
 "'She who willingly lifts the veil from her married
 
 292 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 life transforms it from a sanctuary into a vulgar 
 place.' 
 
 ' ' I will keep my sanctuary as long as I can. God 
 forbid that it should ever become a vulgar place! 
 
 "I think so much of the difference our little son 
 would have made to us if he had lived. Now he 
 would have been about five years old. My eyes are 
 blinded often when I try to picture how he would 
 have run to meet his father at the door and been 
 lifted up; then I should have crept to his side, and 
 he would have had an arm to spare for me, and we 
 should have been all the world to one another, just 
 we three! Oh, I wonder why God took him, and, 
 above all, why He has never sent me another child. 
 Married people need to have children. They make 
 the bond indissoluble. I feel quite well, and there 
 seems to be no reason why I should not have another 
 child. Once or twice I have tried to speak to Gilbert 
 about it, but he will not. It seems to distress him, 
 and I know that his disappointment is too keen to 
 let him discuss it. 
 
 '"We are all right as we are, Kiddie,' he said one 
 day. 'Look how free we are; we can do just as we 
 like, without considering anybody.' 
 
 '"But that is just what I don't want, to be free like 
 that!' I very nearly cried out, 'I want to be in 
 these sweet bonds. I shall never be happy until I 
 am a mother again.' 
 
 "Sometimes I have thought of asking Dr. Fletcher, 
 but then again I can't. It would be easier to speak
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 293 
 
 to a complete stranger. One day perhaps I shall 
 have the courage to go to London without saying a 
 word to anybody, even to Gilbert, and consult a 
 specialist. Then my mind will be set at rest. The 
 idea grows upon me. Perhaps I shall go to-morrow. 
 
 "I did not say anything to Gilbert about it. So 
 often now I don't say anything. For the first two 
 years there was nothing too trivial to talk about. I 
 would even tell him if I had found a shop where the 
 butter was better, and the eggs perfectly fresh. I 
 got ready rather hurriedly soon after ten, and went 
 in by train so as to save time, because I wanted to 
 get back before lunch, so that if necessary Gilbert 
 might not know I had gone to London. I had the 
 address of a doctor in Weymouth Street, written on 
 one of Miss Yuill's cards. She was very ill once, and 
 went to consult him. She said he was splendid, so 
 quiet and kind and reassuring. Once I thought last 
 night I should run round to Totteridge Lane and ask 
 her to come with me but somehow I could not. It 
 seemed far too intimate and sacred to tell anybody. 
 I felt glad that it was a rainy day, and as I sat in the 
 train, and looked at my fellow travellers, I wondered 
 what was hidden inside of their hearts. Mine is so 
 full and yet so empty! From King's Cross I took 
 a hansom to Weymouth Street, and when I got down 
 at Mr. Eldridge's door (it was a small green door 
 with bronze ornaments) I did not wait a moment 
 before ringing the bell. Immediately a man-servant 
 admitted me, and I was put in the dining room,
 
 294 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 where already three women sat. It was a long, low 
 room with white walls, furnished sparsely. I envied 
 the oblong Chippendale table with its lovely polish. 
 Gilbert and I have been looking for just such a one 
 for a long time. Books and magazines were scattered 
 about, and the women were engrossed with one each. 
 But they all glanced furtively at me. Two were 
 elderly, and the other, a woman about my own age, 
 extremely pretty and very handsomely dressed. 
 She seemed nervous, I thought, and made a good deal 
 of noise with the bangles on her wrists. Presently 
 the two elderly ladies went together to the consulting 
 room, and we were left. She cleared her throat, and 
 presently rose and tried to adjust her hat at the queer 
 old convex mirror above the mantelpiece. Finally 
 she spoke: 'Would you mind telling me whether 
 my hat is on straight? I had quite a drive in the 
 country this morning and it was very windy.' 
 
 "I assured her that it was quite straight. I 
 wanted to add that it was very becoming a bewitch- 
 ing sort of hat, which, set at an angle on quantities 
 of well-dressed fair hair, made her face even more 
 piquant. She looked the picture of health, too, and 
 I longed to ask her what she could possibly want 
 with Mr. Eldridge. 
 
 " 'Don't you think a fashionable woman's doctor 
 might have a properly equipped boudoir for his 
 patients? Why, any manicurist in Bond Street 
 could give this one points,' she said presently. 
 
 "I laughed a little as I replied: 
 
 " 'Patients are not supposed to be so very
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 295 
 
 particular about their appearance, I think. Usually 
 they come on more serious business. ' 
 
 "She sat down opposite to me, with the same little 
 friendly air which was quite fascinating. 
 
 " 'Do you know Mr. Eldridge well? Have you 
 ever been to him before?' 
 
 "I replied that I had never even seen him. 
 
 " 'He has never been known to make a mistake in 
 diagnosis,' she went on. 'At least, so I 've been told 
 but he is a dreadfully blunt, plain-spoken person. 
 I have heard of him reducing women to tears by his 
 rough manner. He shan't reduce me I promise 
 you though I quite expect him to be very angry 
 with me ' 
 
 "I wanted very much to ask her what was the 
 matter, but did not because she was a complete 
 stranger, and might resent it. I only remarked that 
 she looked so well she need not be in any fear of his 
 verdict. 
 
 " 'Oh, I'm not afraid. I'm perfectly well; but 
 I shan't be if I go on much longer. I'm a hunting 
 woman, and I don't want to have any more children. 
 I 've had two, one a son, and have done my duty to 
 my husband's family. He knows I'm here to-day.' 
 
 "I sat dumb, and felt as if I could have screamed 
 out. 
 
 " 'You look rather horrified, but tell me, what is 
 the use of having an enormous family when one 
 hasn't enough money to go round? It would simply 
 mean giving up everything. I 'm not built that way, 
 so here I am. If anybody can help me, it is Mr.
 
 296 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 Eldridge; he's the cleverest man in London. Only 
 he won't. Something tells me he won't. Have I 
 shocked you very much ? ' 
 
 " 'It is all so very strange,' I said in a low voice. 
 'I haven't any children and I would give all I 
 have in the world for one.' 
 
 "She laughed a little, but her eyes were very 
 kind. I could see she felt for me, and quite spon- 
 taneously she put out her hand and touched mine. 
 'Let's hope the great Eldridge will give us both our 
 heart's desire,' she said with a touch of cynicism 
 which her eyes wholly belied. Just then the man- 
 servant came and said Mr. Eldridge could see Mrs. 
 Anson at once. 
 
 "She passed out and we never met again. Just 
 for that brief space we had hailed one another like 
 ships that pass in the night. It was about twenty 
 minutes before the door opened and I was called 
 out. I felt so strange and dazed as I passed over 
 the threshold, but, immediately the door closed upon 
 me, such a hush settled on my spirit that I had neither 
 fear nor nervousness. Mr. Eldridge's grave, kind 
 manner, the strength of his face, the feeling of com- 
 plete confidence and faith, lifted me clean above 
 the stress of the moment. I had found a friend to 
 whom I could open my heart. 
 
 "It is to-morrow now and I must finish my story 
 of yesterday. When I went out into the street again 
 the sun was shining and the sky was breaking into 
 heavenly blue overhead. I felt dazed and strange,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 297 
 
 and like an unreal woman in an unreal world. Only 
 one thing stood out clear and vivid beyond all fear 
 of contradiction. I need not go on hoping. I know 
 now that however long or short my life may be, I 
 shall go a childless woman to my grave. All that 
 I shall ever know of motherhood are its pangs for 
 I did not so much as see my baby's face before they 
 took him away. Somewhere perhaps God is keeping 
 him for me, and will give him back to me. But 
 why is it? I who love them so, who would never 
 think them a trouble, who could give up everything 
 for them, and that other woman who does not want 
 them and could have many! Where is the justice, 
 the common sense, the sanity of it? Oh, it is not 
 right, it is not right ! And Gilbert, this will be such 
 a blow to him ! I shall never dare to tell him. How 
 does a wife keep her husband unless she has children ? 
 After a time they see another face, some one perhaps 
 they would like better oh, again I cry what 
 chance has the childless wife? I can't go home to 
 lunch I feel as if I could not see my husband for 
 days and days. If only I might go down to Jane for 
 a little, or back to La Grenade anywhere so I can 
 gather fresh courage. I have none to-day; my feet 
 are weary, and my hope is in the dust. Wherein 
 have I fallen short, dear God ? Why am I not worthy 
 of the great sacrament? 
 
 "It was about four o'clock when I got back, and 
 Gilbert caught me on the stairs. He saw that 
 something was the matter with me, and with much 
 concern he drew me into the nearest room. Then
 
 298 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 my heart seemed to break, my spirit burst its bonds, 
 and I sobbed it all out in his arms. He was very, 
 very kind and good, and tried to comfort me; but 
 there was such a strange, wrung look on his face, as 
 if he felt life too much for him too. 
 
 " 'Never mind, little woman; we must just try 
 and be more to one another. We'll go away for a 
 little holiday, and we must go out more together. 
 We can be quite jolly as we are, and, after all, those 
 who don't have kids are saved the bother of them.' 
 
 " 'Then you don't mind,' I said breathlessly. 'I 
 was so afraid to tell you.' 
 
 ' ' He smiled a queer, far-away sort of smile. ' I 've 
 known it for nearly five years,' he said. 'Fletcher 
 told me that night when I came back from Helston 
 and found you at death's door. ' "
 
 CHAPTER XIX 
 
 "Since I wrote here before, five weeks have elapsed. 
 It is a very long time to leave a journal untouched; 
 but I could not help myself. In the interval I have 
 been back at La Grenade, to which I was summoned 
 by the illness of my dear Miss Crosby. Life is an 
 extraordinary thing, just like a web, weaving, weav- 
 ing all the time, and none of us know what the pattern 
 will be. Only it is certain we shall be woven in with 
 it, hopes, fears, joys, sorrows, disappointments, 
 and futile desires. I had a great longing to go back 
 to Brussels that miserable day spent in London; 
 and it appeared that they were thinking of me at the 
 same time, and resolving to write and ask whether 
 I could spare them a few days. Miss Eleanor's 
 letter came next morning, and I devoured it while 
 Gilbert was busy with his. She said that her sister 
 had been ailing for a considerable time, and had 
 been feeling the strain of the school, and they were 
 contemplating giving it up and retiring to some 
 quiet place, perhaps in England, to live. Miss 
 Crosby had a great desire to see me, she said, and 
 they would like to talk things over with me, assured 
 I could be of great help to them. When I passed 
 over the letter to Gilbert he at once said he thought 
 
 299
 
 300 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I should go. The prospect allured me too for, 
 though it seems dreadful to write it down, I felt 
 the need of getting away to possess my soul for a 
 little in quiet. It is what so few of us ever do 
 possess our souls. We dissipate them and weary 
 them with much living, forgetting the ministry of 
 quiet thought. It seemed to be all arranged in a 
 great hurry, and I was quite conscious that Gilbert 
 was a little relieved at the prospect. Perhaps he 
 feared that I was going to mope and fret about 
 Mr. Eldridge's verdict, but I think that would not 
 have happened could never happen now. I had 
 my desperate hour that day in London streets, 
 when I arraigned the Almighty for His dealing with 
 me. Now I know what is in front I can be ready 
 for it, and will go breast forward. After I have 
 had these few days in my old home, I shall come 
 back and settle down to what . is my new life-work 
 to keep my husband's love. Such was my unspoken 
 thought before I went away, and now I am back I 
 will try to put it into action. 
 
 "I was quite conscious of a quickening of the 
 pulses a feeling of happy anticipation as I drew 
 near to Brussels. It was only my second visit since 
 I had left it, and then Gilbert had been with me the 
 year after our marriage, when he was determined 
 to spend a Sunday at Terveuren, and another day 
 at Waterloo, so that he might sit with me inside 
 the battered wall of Hougoumont. But it is dan- 
 gerous to repeat such experiences, for, after all,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 301 
 
 each episode in a life must be a distinct and separate 
 thing, and really can never be repeated. When 
 the attempt is made, generally it is found that 
 the essence has gone. Miss Eleanor met me at 
 the station, her dear face all smiles and tears, and 
 when we had hugged one another, and got into 
 the fiacre, we were ready to talk. 
 
 " 'Madeline is not well, dear; sometimes she 
 says she will never be well any more; but yesterday 
 we had Monsieur Lepine to see her you remember 
 Monsieur Lepine, with all his decorations, that day 
 at the Academic when the Princess gave the prizes? 
 and he was quite reassuring. He says that her 
 heart is tired, that it is time for her to rest, and 
 that we must give up.' 
 
 " 'I agree with him, but it will be a great loss to 
 Brussels and to England but especially to all the 
 girls who will never now have the chance of coming 
 to La Grenade ' 
 
 "Miss Eleanor smiled and patted my hand, and 
 then quite suddenly said I had grown much thinner, 
 and that my eyes were sad. I smiled bravely to 
 reassure her, and presently changed the subject 
 because I did not wish to talk about myself. 
 
 "Very soon we came to the dear old gates; the 
 next minute I was at my dear Miss Crosby's side, 
 and could have cried out at the change in her. She 
 had grown quite thin, but her face was as sunshiny 
 as ever, and she made me most lovingly welcome. I 
 had my old room and it touched me very much 
 to find that they had never put any other governess
 
 302 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 in it, but had kept it as a sort of shrine, which they 
 only permitted very special guests to occupy. I 
 felt myself immediately at home, and tried to slip 
 into all the old ways of the house. To complete 
 the illusion I even spent my mornings in the school- 
 room, taking part in the tuition. But, ah! nothing 
 was really the same. 
 
 "Can it ever be really the same when we have 
 burned our boats and pulled down our bridges and 
 left the gulf between? It never can, and when we 
 try, it is only make-believe. 
 
 ' ' But I had quite a happy time, and we talked over 
 endless plans for the Miss Crosbys. I had even 
 promised to look for the ideal cottage for them some- 
 where in the Great North Road not too far from 
 Finchley. But first they wanted a long winter in 
 Italy, where they hoped to realize some of the travel 
 and study dreams of their youth. 
 
 "Gilbert wrote quite often, but somehow his 
 letters gave me no heart-beat. They seemed to be 
 mostly written in business hours and so often 
 broke off to say that a man was waiting for him or 
 he had to go to a business appointment. There was 
 none of the abandon of the long-ago time, when he 
 poured all his passionate heart out on paper, and let 
 all the world go by. 
 
 ' ' I wrote one of that sort to him at La Grenade one 
 night when I could not sleep in my lonely bed, and 
 all the glamour of that brief love-passion came upon 
 me like a great flood. I simply poured myself 
 out in that letter, and was so afraid lest I should
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 303 
 
 repent me of it that I posted it first thing in the 
 morning without reading it over. Then I waited, 
 dear God, how I waited for his answer! But none 
 ever came. At least, no real answer to that passion- 
 ate call from a woman's deepest heart. 
 
 "What is to be said to a man who will say in 
 reply to such a thing, 'I received your kind letter 
 yesterday'? I laughed out loud when I read that, 
 and put it in the fire. It was the first angry thing 
 I had done, but my heart was hot with shame when 
 I recalled my passionate appeal for the love of the 
 early days, my eager questioning as to how and where 
 I had failed. I did not write again until it was 
 time to fix my journey home. I heard regularly 
 from Babette poor, faithful Babette who had 
 cried unrestrainedly over my going, and had owned 
 to the most dreadful homesickness. But, as I 
 explained, I could not take her with me, as she was 
 the chief buttress of the house. But I have promised 
 Mimi, now the wife of a market porter called Jules 
 Torre", and the mother of little Jules, that when we 
 go for our summer holiday I shall shut up the house 
 and Babette shall pay her a long visit, and once 
 more taste the joys of the boulevards. 
 
 "I arrived at Victoria at seven o'clock one eve- 
 ning, and Gilbert was on the platform looking so 
 handsome and so lovable that all my heart went out 
 to him, and I just nestled to him, glad to feel his 
 big arm round me once more, and calling myself a 
 fool for ever doubting him. Dear God, how I love 
 him, with that slavish devotion which never knows
 
 304 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 one straying thought, how proud I am of him! 
 To-night I would not have him different in one 
 single particular. He was much interested about 
 the Miss Crosbys, and listened delightfully while 
 I told him of their plans. 
 
 " 'It was just about time they let you go, my 
 dear,' he said grimly. 'I had made up my mind to 
 fetch you on Saturday if you had not come.' 
 
 " 'Oh, that would have been delightful,' I cried 
 ruefully. 'I wish now that I had stayed. I went 
 out to Terveuren by my little self and even found 
 that bank in the Laecken woods. It was in posses- 
 sion of the squirrels gathering in their winter hoard 
 of nuts. But nothing is the same.' 
 
 " 'Neither is it the same here, Hessie, and I'm 
 jolly glad you 're back. I met old Jermyn yesterday, 
 and he was anxiously inquiring. Your old women at 
 the meeting apparently don't like anybody else in 
 your place.' 
 
 "His voice took the laughing, bantering note 
 which any mention of my outside work never failed 
 to bring. He did not care about it, I knew. He 
 would much rather I had developed into a fashionable 
 sort of woman full up with social engagements. 
 
 " 'Seen anything of the Yuills? ' I asked, to change 
 the subject. 
 
 " 'Went to supper with them last Sunday night; 
 duty affair on their part and mine. Good grub, but 
 mighty slow show. Here we are, thank goodness!' 
 
 "I was quite glad to see my home again and 
 Babette's face of smiling welcome.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 305 
 
 "After dinner, while Gilbert smoked over the 
 evening paper, I went to tell Babette my news and 
 get all hers. 
 
 "Amongst it there was one disquieting item, that 
 Monsieur had stopped away several nights from 
 home without letting them know, and thereby caused 
 them much anxiety. But though these words 
 alone drew the curtain of night over my soul, I 
 never put a single question to Gilbert, but sat 
 down opposite to him as if nothing had happened. 
 I went early to bed, and, being physically quite 
 exhausted, fell immediately asleep. When I awoke 
 the gray dawn was in the room, and I was still alone. 
 I got up, crept across the floor, and, softly opening 
 the dressing-room door, looked in. Gilbert was 
 asleep there, his dear head lying soft on his pillow 
 like a child's. I cannot write down what was in my 
 heart as I crept back and hid my face and my aching 
 heart from every eye but God's. 
 
 "A tremendous thing has happened in our lives. 
 Gilbert has got a new appointment. He had been 
 growing so very discontented lately, so often saying 
 he was sick of Finchley, and even hinting of going 
 out to South Africa or Canada to seek his fortune, 
 that I never seemed to know a moment's peace of 
 mind. I felt that any day he might come in and 
 say, ' Pack up, we are going to-morrow ! ' 
 
 "What strange, restless creatures men are. How 
 quickly they are irked by routine, how they long for 
 change and variety and perpetual motion! I am 
 20
 
 3 o6 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 sure that if women entered Parliament there would 
 be no more politics as men understand them. Women 
 are all Conservatives, so that the party strife would 
 die away. In its place, however, they might get a 
 kind of internal strife which would be worse. Just 
 when Gilbert seemed to have made up his mind for 
 action of some kind, a letter came from his directors 
 requesting him to attend a meeting of the board 
 that very day. I could see how elated he was, 
 though he tried to hide it from me. 
 
 "'Just about time they were making a move of 
 
 some kind in my direction ' he growled. 'But 
 
 I'm not taking anything they like to heave at me, 
 mind. A man who has done what I have here can 
 afford to pick and choose ' 
 
 '"Do you think they '11 ask you to leave Finchley ? ' 
 I asked, and I felt my heart quail at the prospect. I 
 have got rooted here. I have my friends, and my 
 work as well as my house ; it would be quite dreadful 
 to leave it all, only I must hide all that. I must 
 try not even to let Gilbert see that I am anxious 
 about to-day's issue. 
 
 " ' Leave Finchley I should just rather think they 
 ought. I've had just about enough of this rotten 
 one-horse place. If there's anything I loathe, it's 
 Suburbia. Why, even Helston was preferable in 
 some ways. At least, a chap was somebody there. 
 His position was clearly defined.' 
 
 "I tried to crush down the sigh that wanted to 
 escape. The difference between men and women 
 seems to be that women find their chief happiness
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 307 
 
 within. They live in a sense the cloistered life, 
 while a man is happiest among the din and conflict 
 of the world. It must be so, I suppose, in order 
 that the work of the world may be carried on. 
 Gilbert went down to the bank to tell his clerks 
 that he had to go to London, then, because I urged 
 him, he came back to change his clothes. Just 
 lately somebody recommended him to a new tailor 
 in Bond Street who makes a study of the middle-aged 
 figure. Gilbert is so afraid of getting stout as he 
 gets older, and, now he is almost forty, has to look 
 after his figure. I assured him he looked lovely, 
 and as slim as there was any need for in his blue 
 serge suit, and I sent him away with a kiss and 
 a prayer in my heart. After he was down at the 
 foot of the stair, and I had to run to the bow window 
 of the drawing room to watch him turn the corner, 
 he came running back and took me all in his arms 
 crushing me up tight. 
 
 '"You're a ripping good sort, old girl, and I'm 
 not half good enough for you. I never was, and 
 never will be. Whatever they offer me, I hope it 
 will be something you '11 like. I Ve a jolly good mind 
 to tell them half my success here is owing to you. ' 
 
 "Then he went away as suddenly as he had come, 
 leaving me happier than I had been for long. He is 
 all right, I am sure, and perhaps after all I have not 
 disappointed him so much. I will try to rejoice 
 with him whatever happens to-day. The chief thing 
 is that he should not be disappointed. 
 
 "He did not come back to lunch, at which I need
 
 3 o8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 not have worried, for it was nearly eleven before he 
 went away and his appointment was at twelve. 
 Near one o'clock I got a telegram saying he had 
 been given Gracechurch Street, which I took to 
 mean the managership of the branch there. So 
 then I knew he would not come home for an hour or 
 two. I supposed the directors asked him to lunch 
 to celebrate the occasion. I tried to settle down to 
 a quiet afternoon with my needlework, but I felt 
 very restless, and soon after two I walked round 
 to Totteridge Lane to see Miss Yuill. They have 
 a sweet old house in the Lane. It is called The 
 Yews, and has rather a sombre row of trees about 
 the entrance. But inside it is just a dear, homely, 
 cosy house; there is nothing grand about it, but I 
 have never seen a more restful, cosy sitting room 
 than Christina's. It is all comfortable, chintz- 
 covered chairs and couches, and has heaps of pic- 
 tures, chiefly Scottish water colors hung very low 
 on the wall to rest on the top of the bookshelves 
 which run all round the room. Christina is the sort 
 of woman who gives you tea whatever hour you call 
 on her. She simply loves tea, and makes everything 
 an excuse for taking it. 
 
 "'There you are,' she said, looking up from her 
 knitting and her capacious chair. 'I thought 
 you'd be here the day some time. Grace, some tea 
 as quick as you can ' 
 
 "Grace was a very angular parlor maid. Gilbert 
 says she has a face like a horse, and that he would 
 not keep her a moment in the house. But she is one
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 309 
 
 of the treasure species, and has been at The Yews 
 for thirteen years. 
 
 '"Gilbert's gone to London,' I said as I dropped 
 into a chair and began to unbutton my gloves. 
 ' He 's been sent for by the Bank, spelled with a big B. 
 I am in terror in case it means that we shall have 
 to leave Finchley.' 
 
 '"It would be a misfortune to a heap of folk, and 
 nothing less than a calamity at St. Luke's. What 
 does he expect ?' 
 
 "I don't know what he expects; I know what he 
 wants. But don't you think that he could go down 
 to the city every day, same as Mr. Yuill does?' 
 
 "'Perfectly; when it's pointed out to him that 
 you don't want to leave Finchley, and Finchley 
 can't spare you, I've no doubt it will be all right.' 
 She spoke confidently and cheerily, as if there could 
 be no doubt. But I did not feel at all sure about it. 
 
 "I stopped with her till nearly four o'clock, and 
 when I got home Babette told me there was a lady 
 waiting to see me in the drawing room. In the same 
 breath she informed me that Monsieur had not yet 
 come home. 
 
 "When I entered the room I did not recognize the 
 lady, who looked middle-aged and rather dowdy. I 
 had never seen her before. 
 
 "You don't know me,' she said abruptly, 'and 
 I have never seen you before; but my sister attends 
 the Women's Meeting at St. Luke's, and I have often 
 heard her speak about your sympathy and the help
 
 3 io MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 you are to them all. I am in great trouble; I need 
 your help; and it is a matter I can't talk of except to 
 a stranger. I could not tell my sister, for instance. 
 May I talk to you without even telling you my 
 name ' 
 
 ' ' I drew up my chair to hers, and I saw then that 
 her face, which must once have been a comely one, 
 was ravaged by a grief or some inward care. 
 
 "I replied that anything I could do to help her 
 would be done with all my heart. 
 
 "She put up her veil, wiped her nervous mouth 
 with her handkerchief, and began to speak : 
 
 "'My husband's a commercial traveler, and we 
 live at Crouch End. We have four children, two 
 boys and two girls. He is forty-nine and I am fifty- 
 one. I was a school teacher when we married, and 
 I 've had a happy life. My children are doing well. 
 Both the girls are teachers. Alice, the elder, is 
 going to be married to a chemist at Bexhill-on-Sea 
 next year. 
 
 '"It has always been a trouble to me that Bert 
 that's my husband has had to be so much away 
 from home, from Monday to Friday every week, 
 so that he has really been a sort of week-end visitor 
 in his own home. But, as I say, we have been very 
 happy, and up to two years ago I'm sure a better 
 husband and father never existed. He is good- 
 looking in a dashing sort of way and very jolly. 
 The children have always adored him; he has never 
 grown old to them; and that's a great thing for 
 boys especially, don't you think ? '
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 311 
 
 "I replied that it was undoubtedly a splendid 
 thing, and waited with a sort of heartsickness for 
 what was coming. 
 
 "'About two years ago he began to be different. 
 It was after the midland and north-country journey, 
 which takes three weeks, and happens four times a 
 year. I thought he was not very well when he came 
 back ; he was so irritable and short with the children 
 and with me. And from that time he kept on 
 getting worse, so careless and bored with us, espe- 
 cially with me. I began to feel somehow that he did 
 not like to see me about the house. You have no 
 idea, Mrs. Trent, what a woman goes through when 
 that sort of thing is forced upon her. There isn't 
 any need for eternal punishment for her, supposing 
 she was bad enough to deserve it. Her hell begins 
 right enough here. I 've been as good as I knew how. 
 I 've worked hard for Bert and the children, and gone 
 without lots of things, especially clothes. I 'm fond 
 of dress, though perhaps you wouldn't think it, 
 but I've never put myself first. It was the way I 
 was brought up, I suppose. My mother was a 
 God-fearing woman, and believed that men were 
 superior creatures to be waited on and deferred to. 
 But I'm sure that's bad for them; most of them 
 are born with enough conceit of themselves. But I 
 mustn't weary you. I don't know if you noticed 
 that I said I am two years older than Bert; and, of 
 course, a woman ages more quickly than any man. 
 I lost my figure when Cecil was born, though I only 
 measured twenty-one inches round the waist when
 
 3 i2 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 I married, and now I'm twenty-nine. But what 
 does it matter when one is happy? Both my girls 
 have fine figures, and their father loved to walk 
 them out on Sundays after church. It's always a 
 bad sign when a church-going man begins to slacken 
 off church; it shows there's something wrong inside. 
 But I don't want to be too long-winded; I'll just 
 get to the end of my story quickly. One day, when 
 I was brushing Bert's clothes on the Monday after 
 he had gone away to Bradford, I found a letter in 
 his pocket ' 
 
 "She undid the clasp of her hand-bag and pro- 
 duced a letter, and asked me to read it. But I said 
 quickly I would rather not; and would she just tell 
 me what was in it. 
 
 " ' It 's a woman's letter a love-letter and it has 
 been going on for a while. She lives at Bradford, 
 and is the head of a department in one of the big 
 warehouses. Evidently she knew he was married 
 from this, but, of course, she didn't care. I don't 
 know how I bore myself for the next few days. I 
 pretended I was not very well, and stopped in bed. 
 The children were all so concerned about me, and 
 wanted to telegraph for father, but, of course, I did 
 not let them. But because I did not write to him as 
 usual, he came home four days sooner than he had 
 said. He was not easy in his mind, I found out after. 
 I was in bed when he came back, and when he stood 
 beside me I just took the letter from under my pillow 
 and handed it to him without a word. It was an 
 awful moment. I can't think how God, if He has
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 313 
 
 all the power they say, can bear to have creatures 
 come through such things. It isn't right. Then he 
 owned up. He just said, "There isn't any use 
 beating about the bush, Jinny. The game's up; 
 and now what are you going to do?" Not a word 
 of sorrow or repentance; only upset at being found 
 out, and a sort of reluctance for the children to know. 
 He left me to decide, told me what he was prepared 
 to do in the way of allowance if I wanted to leave 
 him, and that's where I am now. My brain is 
 nearly turned with thinking, and I couldn't tell a 
 living soul in Crouch End, where we are so well 
 known. It would mean the end of everything, and 
 spoil all the children's prospects. Then I thought 
 of you, and of all that my sister Kate has told me 
 about your wonderful gift of sympathy and healing. 
 Bert has gone again to Nottingham and Leicester, 
 but he'll be home day after to-morrow, and I'm 
 to have my answer ready. Tell me what to do.' 
 
 "She leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes, and 
 began to rock herself to and fro. I cried to God in 
 my heart to help me, to give me the fitting word, if 
 it was His will that I should give the cup of cold 
 water to this rent and suffering soul. Then quite 
 suddenly I had a clear message, and knew what I had 
 to say. I knelt down beside her, and stroked the 
 poor, work-worn hands that had known no weariness 
 of service for those she loved. 
 
 "Listen, my dear; you must not leave him. If 
 you do, he will go down. There is nothing more 
 certain than that.'
 
 3 i4 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 '"I do believe you're right. But do you think I 
 shall have strength to keep it from the children?' 
 
 "'Yes, for God will give it to you, and you will 
 win him back. All these years of love and fealty will 
 not be lost. God will see to that. Go back and do 
 the best you can.' 
 
 "'It's what I want to do,' she said, with a little 
 fluttering sigh, 'for what life has a middle-aged 
 woman like me away from her husband and children? 
 Some of them might side with him even. I 'm nearly 
 sure Edie would. She's so like him in everything. 
 Well, I'll do it, and I do thank you. Can I come 
 now and then when I'm finding it particularly 
 hard? Your eyes are so kind and true, one could 
 just tell you anything, and be sure it would go no 
 further.' 
 
 "As I rose to let her out I heard Gilbert's voice 
 asking for me. I looked out, and just asked him to 
 wait in the dining room a minute. Then I took my 
 visitor, whose name I had not even asked, to the 
 door and said good-bye. I just waited a moment 
 in the silent passage to recover myself. I could 
 hear Gilbert's impatient whistle inside the dining- 
 room door. He says he is to enter at Gracechurch 
 Street on the isth of October, and that we shall 
 have to be out of this house in three weeks' time."
 
 CHAPTER XX 
 
 "After all, we are not to leave Finchley. At first 
 Gilbert said we could not possibly remain, and that 
 it would be necessary for him to live nearer to his 
 work; but, after considering things and talking 
 them over, he has changed his mind, no doubt 
 partly out of consideration for me. He is to have 
 such a large salary at Gracechurch Street, and all 
 his investments have been so successful, that he 
 says we can double our expenditure without being 
 in the least wasteful or extravagant. He has decided 
 to take a lovely old house in Totteridge Lane called 
 Grey Gables. It has been empty for quite two years, 
 and the landlord was very glad to hear of tenants 
 like us. There was no difficulty about getting a 
 lease arranged. Gilbert has taken it for seven years 
 with a break at three and five. I am so glad about 
 it, chiefly because I shall not have to leave all the 
 dear friends I have made, the Jermyns, the Yuills, 
 and Dr. Fletcher, and, above all, my dear women 
 at the Monday meeting. I love them all just as 
 much as they love me, and we have started so many 
 things this winter in connection with it a penny 
 savings bank, a cutting-out class, and some ele- 
 mentary cookery. Babette is going to teach them 
 
 315
 
 316 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 the science of bones in cookery, and what lovely 
 nourishing soup can be made out of stuff which so 
 many English women throw away. This is a fasci- 
 nating subject, but I am wandering away from Grey 
 Gables. It is the loveliest old place, like a story- 
 book house or a dream house. It has two acres 
 of lawns and gardens so old and matured, with 
 turf like velvet. Think of that to a woman who has 
 not had even a backyard of her own for seven years ! 
 The house itself is not in the least pretentious 
 a dear, homey place with wide, low rooms and a 
 panelled hall. There is a double drawing room. I 
 shall fill it with restful chairs like those in Christina's 
 drawing room, only she says I shall have to send to 
 Edinburgh for them, as they only make gimcracks 
 in the Tottenham Court Road. Occasionally Chris- 
 tina is quite caustic about England and English 
 things. Her heart is really in Glen Isla, and she 
 is always hoping Andrew will get married and let 
 her away to live at Brean. ' But there is n't a chance 
 now,' she said one day, 'for he is nearly fifty, and 
 getting to be an old man.' I said indignantly that 
 fifty was not old at all, and that it would be quite 
 a good thing if some men did not marry till then, as 
 they would have more sense. But she went on again 
 precisely as if I had not said anything : 
 
 "'Forby' (a great word with her) 'he'll never 
 marry now, for he has seen the only one he has ever 
 cared about, and he can't get her.' 
 
 "I felt very curious about this unknown flame of 
 Andrew Yuill's, but I never got any satisfaction out
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 317 
 
 of his sister. I felt disappointed, however, for I 
 had set my heart on his marrying Jane just as soon 
 as Mr. Trent would not need her any more. I have 
 the greatest respect for Mr. Yuill. He is such a 
 straightforward, splendid sort of man. He would 
 be quite incapable of telling the smallest untruth 
 even in business, when Gilbert says it is absolutely 
 necessary sometimes. 
 
 "There is a line in one of Stevenson's poems which 
 I always apply to him mentally: 'Winds austere 
 and pure.' Of course, they were Scotch winds. 
 Somehow since I got to know the Yuills I have such 
 an idea of the strength and trustworthiness of Scot- 
 land. Everything there, even human character, 
 seems to be founded on the rock. 
 
 "But I never say that to Gilbert. He doesn't 
 like the Scotch, and says they are always pushing 
 their noses in where they are not wanted; also that 
 they should stay in their own country especially 
 as they are always praising it up as the only country 
 in the world. 
 
 "Oh, dear, I did not mean to write all this; I have 
 wandered a long way from Grey Gables, but some- 
 how in writing a journal, especially when one has no 
 literary experience, one just meanders on, and one 
 thing suggests another, so that in the end it is bound 
 to be a sort of medley. But it is true enough 
 to life. 
 
 "There was only one thing which gave me a pang 
 in the house, and that was the nursery gate at the 
 far end of the long corridor. It was used to shut
 
 3i8 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 off the children's little wing from the upper landing 
 and the stairs. It is built on two floors only, and 
 the little wing of three rooms must have been added 
 when the children of some generation came. Already 
 I have a little plan, that some day, when Jane comes 
 to live with us altogether, as I hope she will, I shall 
 give her these rooms. She can put her own things 
 in them and have a real sanctuary. Gilbert was 
 very kind and tender about it, and said he would 
 take care to have the gate removed before I saw 
 the house again. After we had been all over it, we 
 went into The Yews and had a good talk with 
 Christina. 
 
 "I wanted most dreadfully to tell Gilbert about 
 the lady who had called in the afternoon, but, of 
 course, I did not, chiefly because she had relied so 
 implicitly on my respecting her confidence, and 
 partly because it was not a subject on which I could 
 have talked with any freedom to my husband. 
 Next morning I had a letter from her giving her 
 name and address. She wrote so gratefully and 
 warmly, just as if I had done something really great 
 for her. Gilbert looked across the table and asked 
 who my letter was from. 'A Mrs. Arkwright, the 
 lady who was here yesterday, ' I answered. 
 
 '"What is it about?' he asked. 
 
 "'Only the matter she came to ask my advice 
 about yesterday,' I answered rather confusedly. 'It 
 was a very private matter. I am sorry I can't let 
 you see the letter.' 
 
 '"Oh, I don't want to pry into any of your
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 319 
 
 secrets,' he said with a laugh. 'I hope you gave her 
 sound advice, however, not too much tinged by 
 sentiment/ 
 
 ' ' I am writing this page in my own room at Grey 
 Gables, and though we have not been long in the 
 house, we feel quite at home. I am going to like it 
 very much, I am sure, and Babette is quite charmed 
 with it. I shall not be able to keep her very much 
 longer, I am afraid, as she is now betrothed to 
 Frangois Torre", the brother of Jules, Mimi's husband 
 and as soon as they can get a little farm near 
 Grenoble, to which the Torres belong, she will go 
 back to her beloved Belgium. We shall miss her 
 most frightfully, and hope she will stay for months 
 yet ; Christina is going to try to get me some Scotch 
 maids, as they do much more work, and are very 
 capable all round. I have got such a pretty bedroom, 
 which I shall use as a sitting room too. I have been 
 very extravagant with my carpet. It came from 
 Paris, and is a lovely soft gray with a border of rather 
 dull roses. I shall make silver-gray curtains with 
 worked roses in the border to hang at the three long 
 windows. Gilbert gave me fifty pounds to spend on 
 my own room, and I feel very selfish when I have to 
 say I have spent it all. I took my lovely old Dutch 
 bureau up from the drawing room, and it all looks so 
 beautiful. I take a great deal of joy in my house. 
 It gives me quite a thrill when I am successful with 
 curtains and trimmings. I am sure God meant 
 women to take this personal kind of interest in their
 
 320 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 houses ; He knows how it comforts them and fills up 
 empty spaces. I know that there are people who 
 think it is only brainless people who can give so 
 much of their time and thought to such trivial things. 
 But are they trivial? Whatever contributes to the 
 harmony of life is surely worth doing. Gilbert is so 
 interested. Almost we have gone back to the days 
 when he painted the stair treads and hung all the 
 pictures. I have not had such happy weeks for a 
 long time. 
 
 "But Gracechurch Street is going to take Gilbert 
 more and more away from me, I can see. Even when 
 he gets away from the bank at half -past six o'clock 
 which is the earliest possible moment he ever can 
 leave it is nearly eight when he gets to Finchley. 
 Of course, he does not come home to lunch. I must 
 try and get used to it ; but it is a very lonely existence. 
 What I feel so much is that I am quite outside of that 
 part of his life. He tells me a little, of course, and 
 everything seems to be going smoothly at the new 
 office, but always there is the feeling of the closed 
 door. I think Gilbert begins to look quite old, and 
 sometimes, when he is sitting quietly by the fireside, 
 I seem to see so many worry lines on his face. One 
 night I sat down on his knee, and his face flushed all 
 over, quite like a schoolboy. How I laughed at him ! 
 
 "'You don't need to be blushing like that, Gibbie. 
 Once upon a time ' 
 
 "He buried his face on my shoulder and hugged 
 me close.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 321 
 
 '"Once upon a time, Hessie,' he almost groaned. 
 'By God, I wish it could come back.' 
 
 "Perhaps I have been too reserved with him, after 
 all ! Men are so hard to understand. I have always 
 thought it was best not to show them how much you 
 care. I remember when he left me at Terveuren I 
 had an awful feeling, as if I had made myself some 
 quite cheap thing not worth the taking. I even 
 wrote that to him in one of my letters, and I have 
 kept the lovely letter he sent me in reply. He did 
 write beautiful letters. That is why I felt the dif- 
 ference so much when I visited the Miss Crosbys at 
 La Grenade, and he sent me disappointing scraps, full 
 of information about people in whom I do not take 
 the slightest interest. I have so often heard that 
 husbands weary of wives who demonstrate too much 
 I should shrink away into nothingness if I saw any 
 sign of that in mine. It is why I kept myself a little 
 aloof, not that I love him less I love him more, far 
 more, than I did 5 at the beginning, and I have such 
 a strange yearning over him as if he were my big 
 child as well as my husband. Often I try to tell 
 God about him in the dark, when I pray that I may 
 have him altogether, body, heart, and soul. Some- 
 times I think that if only a little of the fire of love for 
 the Lord Jesus could touch Gilbert, his manhood 
 would blossom into a heavenly thing. There are 
 such possibilities in his big, generous nature; oh! 
 I wonder why God does not lay hold of him as he did 
 of Saul on the way to Damascus! He is worth 
 saving. I do want him to begin consecrating his life 
 21
 
 322 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 as some of our friends do. When I dare to talk of 
 religion which is very seldom, for Gilbert laughs 
 at it all, and says it is just a game people play like 
 politics I point out to him that being religious takes 
 nothing from a man's dignity, but gives him all. 
 
 "I have been going to church quite alone now for 
 over three years. I have not got used to it. I 
 never shall. And I never talk to Gilbert about what 
 I do in the parish, because he chaffs me so about it, 
 and calls me the Mother Superior, the Arch Con- 
 fessor, and all sorts of bantering names. 
 
 ' ' I wonder if I am wrong and foolish to hate chaff 
 so much. It seems to me so silly and vulgar, and so 
 often the attribute of shallow natures. But Gilbert 
 is not shallow he has a tremendous grip of big 
 things. One night a friend of his was here, and they 
 were discussing the political situation in South 
 Africa. I was quite astonished. I felt more and 
 more how many sides of him I had not touched. 
 
 "What we want as man and wife beyond doubt 
 is some unity of purpose. Gilbert goes to the city 
 every day, carries on the business of the bank, makes 
 money for it and for himself, while I keep the house 
 at home, and look after Babette and Agnes, the 
 Scotch maid Christina got for me from Alyth, and 
 when he comes home at night we dine ; then, if he is 
 not going back again, he dozes over the evening 
 paper and goes to bed at ten. 
 
 "Mr. Yuill wanted him to take some interest in 
 local affairs, to go on a committee of residents for the 
 purpose of watching and safeguarding the amenity of
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 323 
 
 the district, but he just laughs and says he takes no 
 interest in suburban cackle. He goes to a good 
 many big city banquets, and is more and more 
 involved in tremendous financial undertakings, and 
 I know he is making money fast by the way he 
 spends it. He gave me a carriage as a birthday gift, 
 but I have nobody to drive out in it, and I would just 
 as soon walk. Sometimes I wonder whether I did 
 right in keeping him here after all, and whether it 
 would not have been better to let him buy one of the 
 old houses in Bloomsbury he spoke about. 
 
 "It is so difficult for a woman to know the best 
 thing to do in such circumstances, but certainly, if I 
 was selfish then, I have paid the price. My lone- 
 liness is fearful. More and more I am shut in upon 
 myself, and I suppose I am a dull companion. Only 
 Gilbert never seems to notice whether I am dull or 
 cheerful, any more than he notices what kind of a 
 frock I have on. 
 
 "Again I ask, why did God take away my little 
 son, who would have filled up all the gaps? If it is 
 the highest kind of faith to accept all the happenings 
 of life without a single question or doubt, then I am 
 very far from it indeed. 
 
 "Life does not grow easier as we grow older. We 
 lose the light-heartedness and buoyancy of youth, 
 and experience brings no gift comparable to it. 
 Looking round us, we see so much inequality and 
 apparent injustice that we become rebellious. 
 Power, unless it is beneficent, is an evil thing. What 
 am I writing at this moment? It is God I am
 
 324 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 arraigning, even suggesting that I might handle 
 human destiny better. May He forgive my puny 
 presumption! But He will. The most comforting 
 thing in the religion which upholds women all over 
 the world is the hidden assurance that God under- 
 stands every bit of us. I am not ashamed to tell 
 Him all my anguished thoughts about Gilbert, my 
 desire to be to him all a wife should be in every sense, 
 and my bitter mourning over my apparent failure. 
 Perhaps somewhere away at the back of this big 
 failure the light is shining, and some of my poor 
 efforts may yet blossom like the rose in my life and in 
 Gilbert's. There must be something in my nature 
 which requires this searching discipline, and too 
 much happiness might have made me arrogant and 
 noisy and selfish. 
 
 "If I read my Kempis right, I am on the highway 
 to glory. But I don't want to go there just yet, or 
 by this tortuous way. I am a warm, human woman, 
 and I love my husband above everything on earth. 
 If I am called to give him up, I shall not do so cheer- 
 fully or gladly, nor will I pretend. I wonder do I 
 ask too much ? When I look round at other women 
 and see what they have and take out of life, I can 
 truthfully answer that I don't think my demand 
 exorbitant. It is my husband's love I want his 
 whole love. I want to know his thoughts, to be a 
 part of his inner life, to walk with him side by side 
 in every happening of life. 
 
 "I have his trust, I know. I overheard him say 
 one day to somebody who was calling:
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 325" 
 
 '"Oh, ask my wife. She is my sheet-anchor. I 
 do assure you we should go to pieces without her- 
 
 " There was not a note of irony in his voice. It 
 was grave and sincere, and had even a little poignant 
 ring which indicated passion. Perhaps I should be 
 content with that. 'The heart of her husband doth 
 safely trust in her.' 
 
 "That is the Bible definition of the perfect wife. 
 But, oh! it is a height I cannot attain to! I want 
 to be crushed up in his arms as I was at Terveuren, 
 and to feel the cling of a baby's arms round my neck, 
 his child and mine. If these are wicked thoughts, 
 God should not have given us the kind of natures we 
 have. I am getting morbid I must stop here, stop 
 at once. But it is a relief of no ordinary kind to 
 write down one's innermost thoughts. No one will 
 ever read them. I have come to the conclusion that 
 very happy women do not need to keep journals. All 
 their records are in their hearts, expressed in the 
 sunshine of their faces. 
 
 "As I was doing my hair this morning I found 
 quite a little shock of gray. I ran into Gilbert's 
 dressing room and showed it to him, and he only 
 kissed it and laughed. 'Look at mine; it's going to 
 be a heat which reaches patriarchal distinction first,' 
 was all he said. 
 
 "Sometimes my face looks old and tired. It 
 lightens up when I smile. I must try to smile more. 
 I have so much to be thankful for, and there are so 
 many women who are cheated even of the ordinary 
 pleasant things of life. I have so many of them'
 
 326 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "I hear occasionally from Mrs. Arkwright, but I 
 have never seen her again. She expresses her 
 present mode of life by the two words 'struggling 
 on.' She has presented a brave front, so that neither 
 her family nor the world suspect the canker at the 
 root of her home life. It has given her an amazing 
 courage a kind of quiet philosophy which has 
 certainly ennobled a quite commonplace character. 
 Her relations with her husband must be very difficult. 
 She says : ' I have lost him, and even though he may 
 have never seen that woman again, I shall never get 
 him back.' I hope time will prove her wrong, and 
 that he will yet be at her feet. But even then noth- 
 ing could be the same. The gem must be flawless to 
 satisfy a woman's heart. 
 
 "Since I wrote here last, many strange things have 
 happened, and though it is only weeks, I am years 
 older in thought and experience. Gilbert's father is 
 dead. It is a great relief, for he has suffered much 
 in the last year or two, and been practically dead to 
 the world. Jane has been a pattern daughter, her 
 patience knowing neither fret nor weariness. Mean- 
 while, however, she has had great joy in the cultiva- 
 tion of her writing gift. Now she will be quite free 
 to order her own life as she chooses and thinks best 
 for the career she has in view. Jane is one of the few 
 women independent of matrimony. She does not 
 seem to feel any special craving in that direction. 
 She is calm, well balanced, with her feelings under 
 perfect control. She would be a good wife and a
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 327 
 
 wise mother, but then again she can be an equally 
 dignified and happy single woman. She is complete 
 in herself; while I am so very dependent on those 
 about me. 
 
 "The telegram announcing Mr. Trent's death came 
 to me here at Grey Gables, and it seemed the 
 simplest, easiest way just to get dressed as quickly 
 as possible and take it down to Gracechurch Street. 
 I put a few things in a bag, quite determined that I 
 would go down myself to Helston, whatever Gilbert 
 thought about it. I could not bear to think of Jane 
 being quite alone in that little dull house in the fields 
 quite away from the town. 
 
 ' ' Gilbert had not been gone more than a couple of 
 hours when the telegram came, and it was not long 
 after eleven when I got out of the hansom at the bank 
 door and walked in. It was Mr. Dudgeon who came 
 and spoke to me; he is always so kind and attentive 
 whenever I go to Gracechurch Street. He said Mr. 
 Trent was in, and I followed him through to the 
 private room door, which he opened, and showed me 
 in. Gilbert was not alone. Before the door closed 
 behind me I was conscious of a sudden anger which 
 bore down upon me like a whirlwind. It was Maud 
 Lacy who sat there in the client's chair close by 
 Gilbert's desk, with her jingling chatelaine bag of 
 highly polished silver lying on it, and the scent of 
 the perfume she uses pervading everything. I just 
 nodded to her not even noticing her outstretched 
 hand. Then I am afraid I turned my back on her 
 though I was all the time conscious of her presence,
 
 328 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 intensely conscious. I took out the telegram and 
 literally thrust it under Gilbert's nose. I forget what 
 I said now, if, indeed, I ever knew it. I only know 
 I had no desire to soften the blow, or to be in the 
 smallest degree sympathetic or kind. I hated him at 
 the moment almost as much as I hated her, and I did 
 not care in the least though they both knew it. I did 
 not like the look on his face or hers both were 
 altogether hateful. I simply told him the train I was 
 going by, said my hansom was waiting, and walked 
 out. I did not care a straw what they or anybody 
 thought. I knew Dudgeon was watching me, but I 
 did not look in his direction, and, climbing into the 
 hansom, I drove away. Oh ! but how terribly I felt ! 
 I had no kind or pitying thought left for Jane or for 
 anybody. I thought only of myself and my real 
 or imagined wrongs. Eleven o'clock in the morning, 
 and she was there sitting with him! It made me 
 gnash my teeth. 
 
 "I was totally unconscious of the streets through 
 which we passed, and when I reached King's Cross I 
 paid a quite exorbitant fare to my cabman, and pro- 
 ceeded at once to the booking office. While I was 
 seeking for change there, Gilbert came calmly in 
 front of me, took the tickets, and we walked together 
 to the train. They were first-class tickets. Gilbert 
 never travels third now anywhere, or likes me to do 
 it. I got in without saying a word, and withdrew 
 myself immediately to the other side of the compart- 
 ment, and looked out. For quite half an hour we did 
 not utter a word. It was the most ghastly, appalling
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 329 
 
 silence, but I could not have broken it to save my life. 
 At last Gilbert did, after we had passed the junction, 
 and the next stop would be Helston. What he said 
 I can't recall exactly now, but it was something about 
 Maud Lacy being in his room on account of her 
 investments. I did not believe him. I did not even 
 look at him as I answered in a voice I hardly rec- 
 ognized myself, that I had no interest whatever in 
 Miss Lacy's investments. 
 
 "We came without another spoken word to 
 Helston, got into one of the flys waiting, and began 
 the two-mile drive to Risden. At such close quarters 
 the strain was trying, and I began to talk very quickly 
 about Jane's future and what she would be likely to 
 do. Gilbert only answered in monosyllables no 
 man ever presented such a picture of discomfort. 
 
 "It was a frightfully slow horse, but in course of 
 time we did arrive at the little old-world hamlet, and 
 drew up at the cottage door. Jane came out quickly 
 to welcome us, and then it seemed quite natural 
 that I should shed tears, though they had nothing to 
 do with the old man's death. I did not feel very 
 sorry about that. I was only glad to get to Jane, to 
 look into her dear, true eyes, to feel how good it was 
 to be near her. I did not go with Gilbert to his 
 father's room. I felt that neither he nor I was fit to 
 stand together in the presence of death. 
 
 "When he said he must go back at four o'clock, I 
 simply said I would stay with Jane, and had no idea 
 when I would return."
 
 CHAPTER XXI 
 
 "Those days at Risden with Jane did me great 
 good. She is so restful and at the same time so 
 strong. She never asks questions, but all the time I 
 was conscious that she knew I had something on my 
 mind, and was trying to bear me up by her strength. 
 She did not speak much about her father, but some 
 things she said to me the night of the funeral after 
 Gilbert had gone away seemed to offer the key to the 
 whole situation. 
 
 "'I felt glad when his eyes closed, Hessie, for 
 suffering in every form is hateful. I have never 
 believed much in the refining-by-fire process. It 
 seemed to me that more palatable and less crude 
 methods might be found. But in my father's case I 
 saw its work. His heart became literally purged and 
 clean like a little child's. He went back to God. I 
 don't mean it in the canting sense, but my mother 
 was waiting for him, and he was glad to join her.' 
 
 "I pondered much on these words. They were 
 illuminating where human experience was concerned, 
 but at the same time terrifying. I looked at her a 
 little wildly. ' Do you think it is the only way, then, 
 Jane? That we have all to go through it?' 
 
 "Oh, yes, but some need less. You should be 
 
 330
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 331 
 
 immune, Hessie, or very nearly. If there should be 
 any truth in the idea of reincarnation, you are 
 certainly here for the last time.' 
 
 '"But why do you say that?' I cried, craning 
 forward so that I might see her better where she 
 stood like a seer, a sombre and striking figure in the 
 half-light. 
 
 "'Because you are more nearly perfect than any 
 human creature I have ever known ' 
 
 "'Oh, Jane, how can you say that? You have no 
 idea how full I am of wicked and hateful thoughts. 
 Why, even now I am feeling so bitter against Gilbert 
 that I have not been able to speak to him, even here, 
 in the house of mourning and death.' 
 
 "She uplifted her brows and shrugged her 
 shoulders. 
 
 "'Gilbert! If you are angry with him, it is not 
 without cause. He is my brother, and I love him 
 dearly. I am proud of his success, too, but he is not, 
 and never will be, good enough for you.' 
 
 "'Oh, Jane, don't say these things! They don't 
 comfort me. They fill me with a sadness that can't 
 be uttered. How have you known all this? I shall 
 be ever afraid of your keen eyes after this ' 
 
 "'Oh, no, you won't. Gilbert is just an average 
 man, a little inflated with his own conceit. He will 
 have to suffer before he is of any use, and the pity is 
 that not one of us can suffer alone. After that, will 
 it surprise you to hear that I have written a humor- 
 ous book? I had to, living out here in this tomb. I 
 was driven to the act in self-defence. The publishers
 
 332 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 are very pleased with it. They have offered me a 
 hundred pounds on publication and a small royalty 
 afterwards. So you see how much we need somebody 
 to lighten destiny, when anybody is found to pay 
 money for my poor stuff.' 
 
 "There was rather a sad, bitter note in Jane's 
 voice, and I seemed to realize in a moment the 
 absolute grayness of her life. She was well over 
 thirty, and had spent all these years in serving. 
 True, she had had her inner life, but very little 
 brightness as it is generally understood. She had 
 never been young. 
 
 "How I loved her as I looked at her beautiful face, 
 so fine in its strength and dignity ! Why was I not 
 like that, instead of like some poor wind-flower 
 ready to bend before every blast? I wanted to tell 
 her some of my fears about Gilbert, but something 
 kept me back, either Savonarola's warning to 
 Romola, or some inward delicacy which shrank from 
 putting the sordid and the vulgar into actual form. 
 It was arranged that Jane should come to us for 
 an indefinite visit, storing her furniture. For the 
 present she declined the nursery wing at Grey Gables 
 only saying she would not feel like settling any- 
 where at present, and that we must all wait and see. 
 A tenant was waiting for the Risden cottage, for in 
 a small village there are seldom empty houses. We 
 had a beautiful Sunday together, and when we came 
 in from church there was Gilbert. He had risen 
 early, he said, and cycled down. He was rather sub- 
 dued, and seemed a little nervous about addressing
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 333 
 
 me. I tried to be quite natural, but I could not 
 kiss him. I simply could not. In the afternoon, 
 as we sat in the pleasant living room to which Jane 
 had given such a wonderful individual touch, we had 
 some visitors. Carrie Lacy brought her lover, 
 Hubert Parfitt, to see us. They are to be married 
 next week. I was so glad to see them both, and I 
 liked him so much. A quiet, steady young man 
 with few brilliant faculties, perhaps, but one can 
 trust him. His face is so open and kind, his eye so 
 clear and straight. Gilbert and he went away out 
 for a stroll, apparently very glad to meet one another. 
 Nobody had ever more friends among men than my 
 husband. They simply flock to him, all sorts and 
 conditions; he has something for them all. It is 
 more difficult to be a wife to a popular man than the 
 other kind. The wife of a popular man has to share 
 him with all the world. Perhaps I ought to do it 
 more cheerfully. I must try again, beginning by 
 banishing these morbid fears. Oh, this poor journal ! 
 When I dare to go back upon it I find it overweighted 
 by 'Try, try, try again.' I wonder whether Gilbert 
 has ever, in the whole course of his life, been depressed 
 by a sense of failure, or has ever been in the least 
 conscious of his shortcomings. I never get away 
 from mine, and I have only set down all these 
 outrageously flattering things Jane said to me 
 because they might give me more confidence later on. 
 "Carrie Lacy came in like a gleam of real sunshine. 
 She is a dear, bright creature, who simply radiates 
 happiness. She has had to wait so long for it, and
 
 334 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 demolish so many obstacles, that perhaps she is now 
 more fitted for it. Ours was all too rapid, secured 
 perhaps too easily, and we knew so little of one 
 another. While Jane went to get tea, the one maid 
 having gone to her people in Helston, Carrie and I 
 had a little talk. 
 
 "'Everybody is so kind,' she said with her pretty 
 smile. 'Hubert's mother most of all. No, we are 
 not going to live at Gresley, but at the Dower House, 
 about half a mile away. It is not at all too near. I 
 would not have anything different for the world.' 
 
 "'You have served a long probation how many 
 years?' I asked. 
 
 "'We don't count them, and they mean a lot to 
 us. You see, they proved everything. It's like 
 digging deep, deep down, to find the foundation of 
 the rock.' 
 
 "The words struck home, though Carrie had not 
 the faintest notion of it. 
 
 "Then she began to talk about the wedding, which 
 was to be in St. Anselm's, engineered with much 
 pride by Audrey, Ned's wife. Everybody loved 
 Carrie, and all would be glad to do her honor. 
 
 "Florrie and the Babe are to be her bridesmaids, 
 and two white satin page boys take her train Ned's 
 little boy and the son of the Lady Fanshawe, Hubert's 
 sister. Maud has had a new costume for the 
 occasion from the Rue de la Paix, having a chance to 
 show herself on equal terms with the county for the 
 first time. 'It is all very interesting, but what is 
 going to become of Florrie and the Babe?' I asked.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 335 
 
 They are to remain on in the old house in the mean- 
 time, keeping the two trusted maids who have been 
 with them so long. Cyril will come to them as often 
 as possible, and it will be his real home. But not a 
 word of Maud, or her connection with the family, 
 from whom she has simply cut herself off, so far as 
 any feeling of duty or responsibility is concerned. 
 She claims her full right to live the life she chooses 
 without considering them. All this bright talk has 
 been good for us, and we had a delightful tea-hour. 
 I felt a kind of envy of Carrie as we watched her 
 go off on her lover's arm. She is so proud, because 
 immediately they return from their honeymoon they 
 have to go on an electioneering campaign. Hubert 
 is standing for the Norfolk constituency his maternal 
 grandfather represented so long. I see Carrie, with 
 her demure, bewitching face smiling on platforms 
 beside her lover-husband; I can even picture her 
 a power in a London political drawing room. It is 
 all delightful. It lifts me up to meet real happiness. 
 These two will never be disappointed in one another. 
 As Carrie says, their house is built on the rock. 
 
 * 
 
 "We are all at home at Grey Gables again. Jane 
 is occupying the blue spare room, but though I have 
 pointed out to her the advantages of the nursery 
 wing, and the possibilities of the third room as a den 
 for herself, she only shakes her head. 
 
 "I wonder whether she knows that Gilbert is 
 opposed to the idea of her making a permanent home 
 with us ? He was rather cross about it, but could not
 
 336 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 find any valid reason why she shouldn't stay on, 
 except that stupid one that married people are best 
 alone. When anybody is as much alone as I have 
 been all these years, almost any companionship is 
 welcome. I remember a long time ago reading an 
 extraordinary article in one of those weird, ephemeral 
 papers which spring up and record all sorts of 
 unchronicled things. It was called 'An Unsuspected 
 Danger of Suburban Life.' Struck by the title, I 
 read on, and the thing left a bad taste in my mouth. 
 It pointed out the loneliness and isolation of the 
 ordinary suburban wife the hours she is left alone, a 
 prey to her own morbid thoughts, and to any chance 
 temptation. It showed up how many hours she 
 could spend gadding about London, ostensibly 
 shopping her only concern to get back in time to 
 receive her husband at night. The article called for 
 account of all these foolish and wasted hours, and 
 uttered a warning to the complacent and unsuspect- 
 ing husbands. The whole tone of the article was 
 objectionable, and I felt that it was wholly unjustified 
 and unnecessary. But there was just the germ of 
 truth in it. It is true that a great many women, 
 partially educated, and with no very exalted views 
 of life, bent only on having a good time, especially in 
 the few years when they are most attractive them- 
 selves, and quick to appreciate attraction in others, 
 may be tempted to philandering away from their 
 homes. There is so little to prevent it. Half the 
 time now Gilbert never dreams of asking what I 
 have been doing with myself during the long days he
 
 337 
 
 is absent in the city. He vaguely supposes, I think, 
 that I go out to tea and attend meetings. 
 
 "There is something about it all not quite normal 
 or as it ought to be. If Grey Gables were full of boys 
 and girls, it would all be so different ; we would have 
 so many to think about and work and plan for. 
 Every moment would be full, every faculty engaged 
 to its utmost capacity. We have too much money, 
 and our minds too much leisure. Also we have 
 become independent of one another. I am obliged 
 to order my days without reference to Gilbert. He 
 so seldom needs or wants me. When he is not at the 
 bank he is attending company meetings in such 
 places as the Cannon Street Hotel, or dinners of 
 financial men. He is talking of joining a Syndicate 
 at present, which wants to exploit mines in Siberia. 
 Some men came to golf and lunch here one Sunday 
 it is long since Gilbert started Sunday golf and they 
 talked of nothing else. When we got out from lunch, 
 Jane made me get dressed and go for a tramp over 
 Hampstead Heath with her. When we came round 
 by the White Stone Pond the Salvation Army was 
 holding a meeting, and the singing drew us. We 
 stood still and listened, and presently joined in. It 
 was that lovely old hymn: 
 
 'When I survey the wondrous cross 
 On which the Prince of glory died!' 
 
 It was only crude singing, and the band did not strike 
 in tune, but it had a certain rude impressiveness. It 
 stirred us both. I saw that Jane's eyes were full of 
 tears as we turned away. 
 
 22
 
 338 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 '"They've got hold of the real thing, Hessie,' she 
 said quietly. ' There isn't a doubt but that the Cross 
 is the lever, the only one that really counts or 
 matters ' 
 
 "Jane likes the Yuills, and they like her. She 
 very often goes across to The Yews without me. I 
 have a little innocent plot in my heart for her that 
 she should marry Andrew; then Christina would go 
 back to her dear Glen Isla. I have always thought 
 it would be a lovely arrangement; now I am simply 
 determined it must come to pass. Just think what 
 it would mean to me to have Jane in the house 
 opposite, to know I could get her at a moment's 
 notice! Gilbert says it will never happen, and 
 advises me to keep off match-making. He seems 
 just lately to dislike Mr. Yuill more and more, and 
 to find nothing good to say about him. We have 
 been discussing holidays, and it seems that Gilbert 
 may have to take part of his in going to Russia on 
 the Syndicate's business. How I should love to go 
 to Russia, to polish up my French, and see my old 
 friend Claire Destinn, who is a resident governess in 
 the family of one of the Archdukes I think I shall 
 ask Gilbert to take me when he speaks of it again. 
 
 "He came in one day very much pleased because 
 he had travelled out in the train with Mr. Yuill and 
 he had invited him to Glen Isla in August. 
 
 " ' I never was more surprised in my life, Kid, for 
 I thought the immaculate and pious Andrew was as 
 much off me as I was off him. Would you like to go ? '
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 339 
 
 "I said at once that I should simply love it. 
 
 "'I told him I rather thought you and Jane were 
 going off somewhere on your own this summer. But 
 it seems he doesn't want us till August. I dare say 
 it can be arranged.' 
 
 ' ' ' Did he say anything about Jane ? ' I asked eagerly. 
 
 '"The invitation included her.' 
 
 "I clapped my hands. 
 
 '"Oh, Gilbert, that will be nice so much nicer 
 than spending our holidays apart.' 
 
 '"Were we going to do that?' he asked whimsi- 
 cally. 'Only a part of them, I think. It's a dead 
 cert that I'll have to take two weeks with the 
 Syndicate at Petersburg.' 
 
 '"Take me, Gilbert. I have always wanted to see 
 Russia. I speak French perfectly, and I might be a 
 help ' 
 
 "He shook his head and looked away anywhere 
 but at me. 
 
 ' ' ' Can't be done, Hessie. They 'd kick at the idea 
 of a woman joining the party. You see, it 's pure dry 
 business and nothing else, chiefly kicking our heels 
 in ante-rooms belonging to officials trying to get near 
 the Czar.' 
 
 '"Then why is Maud Lacy going?' 
 
 "The words were out before I could help myself, 
 and I felt my cheeks burning, my hands hot, and 
 trembling too. 
 
 '"Who said she was going?' 
 
 "'Cyril told us last Sunday. He seemed very 
 much surprised at it.'
 
 340 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 '"I shall have to talk to Cyril. He's a meddling 
 young ass,' said Gilbert, still looking away. 'She 
 has spoken about it, but nothing is settled. She's 
 interested in the venture, and prepared to put money 
 in it. It was Cardigan who started the idea of her 
 going. He's great on the value of a woman's 
 intuition.' 
 
 ' ' I knew that Gilbert was not telling me the truth, 
 that all along he had lied to me about Maud Lacy. I 
 could not say another word. 
 
 "When he spoke again his voice had an eager, 
 uneasy ring. 
 
 "'Don't worry your head about things you don't 
 understand, and which don't matter in the very least. 
 If I go to Russia at all, it will only be to pacify the 
 others, and take a sort of inventory of the situation ; I 
 can't afford to kick my heels in ante-rooms. It 's for 
 millionaires like Cardigan. I don't for a moment 
 expect that Miss Lacy will go. It will be too slow for 
 her. If you and Jane fix on your summer quarters, 
 I '11 come and join you for a fortnight and give you 
 the time of your lives. Have you thought of a 
 place? I've heard that the golf is very good at Le 
 Touquet.' 
 
 '"Jane has written to the convent at St. Jacques, 
 asking if they can take us for a few weeks. Miss 
 Yuill may go with us, but nothing is settled.' 
 
 "I walked out of the room as I spoke, for my heart 
 was too sore, my spirit too perturbed to bear it any 
 longer. We did not speak of it again until Jane heard 
 definitely from St. Jacques and we had to arrange our
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 341 
 
 dates. Gilbert then told me in front of her, and I 
 imagined a touch of defiance in his voice, that he 
 was leaving for Russia with the Syndicate the day 
 after us. 
 
 "Gilbert and his sister have not been getting on 
 well together of late. There is a sort of cold hostility 
 in their manner toward one another, and Gilbert 
 has told me that what he calls the 'three-cornered' 
 arrangement must cease after the holidays. I shall 
 miss her frightfully, but I see that perhaps it will be 
 best. 
 
 "Babette leaves us for good to marry her Grenoble 
 farmer in October. Agnes will go home to Scotland 
 for her holiday, and we shall pick her up on our way 
 back from Brean. The young housemaid is taking 
 another situation to 'better herself,' and my house- 
 hold seems to have become disintegrated of its own 
 accord. We leave Grey Gables in charge of Ricketts, 
 the gardener, and his wife, and they will look after 
 my dear dogs, Crony and Mac. 
 
 "It seems terrible to have written so many pages 
 in this journal without mentioning the Scotch terriers 
 Christina gave me as a Christmas present for the 
 first Christmas at Grey Gables. They were bred at 
 Brean, and have long pedigrees. They are such 
 dears, so wise and thoughtful and loyal, with their 
 pathetic eyes and dignified characters. Some might 
 think it absurd to speak of a dog's dignity, but my 
 two have more dignity than many humans I have 
 met. They are devoted to me and to Gilbert. But 
 I am sure he would make more of them if they had
 
 342 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 come from anybody but the Yuills. They are very 
 unhappy these days, feeling the unrest of the house, 
 and resenting our frequent visits and consultations in 
 the box room. 
 
 "We return for one night only to get warmer 
 clothes for Glen Isla, to which we go in the first week 
 of August. There will be a small house-party there, 
 which will be quite a new experience for me. Jane is 
 looking forward to it too. She is most frightfully 
 sisterly and kind to me in these days, thinking 
 evidently that I need taking care of. It has amused 
 me to discover that she thinks I am not strong. 
 Sometimes I have an odd fluttering at my heart, and 
 I can't go quickly upstairs. Always now there seems 
 to be more or less of a weight just there at my heart, 
 I mean. Perhaps I have brooded too much. All the 
 time I have such a feeling of insecurity, as if my 
 house had no right foundation. My husband has 
 told me so many things which I have afterwards 
 found not to be true, that now I cannot believe him 
 as I used to. It is always about little things, about 
 where he has been, and the hours he keeps, and then 
 I wonder why he cannot be quite honest about it. 
 I have never been a grisling woman, or one to 
 reproach him. I have always understood that men 
 must have latitude in all their movements, that any 
 sort of espionage, even if it only arises out of a 
 woman's love, raises the devil in them. I have 
 seen it once or twice just lately in Gilbert's eyes, and 
 it has made me very, very quiet. My heart is very 
 tired, surely, and its sadness is absolute.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 343 
 
 "For I have failed in the very place where I ought 
 to have succeeded. For what is the use of religion 
 to a woman unless it can sanctify her own home, and 
 doubly bless those she loves? There must be some- 
 thing wrong with mine, that I have walked beside my 
 husband all these years without making the smallest 
 impression. He cares far, far less for all the things 
 that matter than he did at the beginning. Surely the 
 fault is mine. On this the last night in my home for 
 a time I pray God once more to show me the way, to 
 make it so clear that I cannot possibly get astray. 
 Just lately I have felt that God does not help women 
 enough does not reveal the purpose of life suffi- 
 ciently to them. But, again, in all this there may be 
 some hidden purpose which I shall know one day. 
 This morning, in a little anthology of verse somebody 
 sent me last Christmas, I found this, and it serves 
 for a moment's comfort. It was written by the 
 Norwegian poet Bjornson: 
 
 " ' Rejoice when thou dost see 
 God take thy things from thee; 
 When thy props are laid low, 
 And friend turns to foe; 
 "Pis but because now 
 God seeth that thou 
 No longer on crutches must go. 
 
 Each here 
 
 Whom he setteth alone, 
 He Himself is most near.'"
 
 CHAPTER XXII 
 
 ' ' I am writing this sitting on an old gnarled bench 
 in the courtyard of the convent at St. Jacques. It is 
 so beautiful and so restful here, it seems sufficient to 
 be alive. Jane and Christina have gone down to 
 bathe, and I envy them so much ; but it is better for 
 me not to go with them. We all made rather fetch- 
 ing bathing-gowns before we left Finchley, but I have 
 only worn mine once. I felt so ill after my first 
 experience of the sea, though it was so kindly, that 
 they have never allowed me to go in again. 
 
 ' ' We all like life in the convent very much, though 
 sometimes it makes us feel rather like little girls at 
 school. 
 
 "We are cared for and waited on by the sweet- 
 faced, soft-voiced nuns, and everything goes on just 
 like clockwork. The routine does not fret us in the 
 least; we have come for a rest, and there is nothing 
 here to hinder. Some of the visitors dislike it very 
 much, however, and the talkative American woman's 
 husband, after four days, broke into open rebellion, 
 and has gone away to Paris. 
 
 "I don't think she minds at all; in fact, she has 
 just been telling me that it is a relief not to have him 
 'around,' as she expresses it. These Americans seem 
 
 344
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 345 
 
 so queer and detached in their matrimonial ideas. 
 
 "I am quite alone here in the quiet, sunny court- 
 yard, for after breakfast every one naturally goes to 
 the beach or on to the little plage. Once or twice 
 a nun glides across the soft grass, but she does not 
 seek to interrupt me even by a smile. They have 
 a reverence for silence. One feels that in their own 
 lives they have proved its value to the uttermost. 
 There is such peace on their faces that one can hardly 
 help envying them. Sister Agathe, who has just 
 glided by to the refectory, looks as if she had passed 
 through all kinds of poignant experiences and had 
 conquered them all. 
 
 "I wonder whether the religious life, as these 
 sisters understand it, is not, after all, the best for 
 some women? They give their whole lives to the 
 care and service of others, and are at least immune 
 from certain kinds of suffering. Neither Jane nor 
 Christina Yuill will allow me to speak like that. 
 Miss Yuill has all the old Presbyterian dislike and 
 distrust of what she calls Papists, though I think, 
 since we came here, her views have become a good 
 deal modified. 
 
 "That I think is not to be wondered at, as it 
 would not be possible to live under the same roof 
 with these devoted women without learning to 
 reverence their saintliness, their love for the poor, and 
 their complete surrender of themselves to the service 
 of others. 
 
 "We live the simple life indeed, getting up 
 early, eating plain food, which, however, is always
 
 346 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 temptingly cooked and served, and calculated to 
 teach even the most successful and ambitious house- 
 wives the value of little things. 
 
 "We go to bed at nine, when the convent gates 
 are shut, and everybody has to be indoors. It was 
 the shutting of the gates against which the American 
 kicked. He said he guessed he didn't reckon to pay 
 seven dollars a week for the privilege of being shut 
 up in jail. 
 
 "I am rather afraid that Gilbert would be of the 
 American's opinion if he had to submit to these 
 regulations, against which there is no appeal. He 
 has arrived at St. Petersburg, and I have had two 
 letters rather full of his experiences. He devotes a 
 good deal of space to descriptions of St. Petersburg, 
 with the dignity and beauty of which he seems much 
 impressed. 
 
 "He does not write very hopefully about the 
 business of the Syndicate. It seems to be a very slow 
 and difficult process getting anywhere near the Czar. 
 He also says that Cardigan, at least, will have to 
 take up his quarters indefinitely at St. Petersburg, 
 and simply await the Czar's pleasure. Can it be 
 worth while, one wonders, even for the sake of making 
 more money ? All the members of the Syndicate are 
 rich men already. I suppose my own husband is 
 the poorest, and now we cannot spend the half of 
 what he makes. What is the use of it all? I keep 
 asking myself. So far as I have been able to discover, 
 none of them put it to any useful purpose; they 
 simply spend it on their own selfish enjoyment,
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 347 
 
 trying to get what they call 'a good time,' which, 
 being interpreted, means getting more and more 
 things for themselves. Yet none of them seem to be 
 happy. I have seen them all, and listened to their 
 talk, and they only seem dissatisfied because they 
 can't invent new ways of getting money. Gilbert 
 has become infected with this fearful restlessness, 
 and seems to be happy only when he is what he calls 
 full of business. He is quite as bad as the American 
 millionaires we read about, who have sacrificed 
 everything in the pursuit of wealth. 
 
 "Human beings can't have been intended to live 
 like that, even a section of them. There are im- 
 planted in every one of us certain yearnings after the 
 infinite, and when we voluntarily crush them, as 
 most of these men seem to do, why, then, we are so 
 much the poorer that there are no words adequate 
 to express our poverty. 
 
 "The saddest part of it all is that they are all 
 quite unconscious of their own poverty, but are 
 convinced that they are splendid, clever fellows, 
 getting the utmost out of life. 
 
 "There are so many differing standards of living, 
 and every individual is convinced that his or her 
 standard is the best. 
 
 "It is all very confusing, and sometimes one's 
 heart gets quite tired. 
 
 "Gilbert has not said anything about coming to 
 St. Jacques. In his last letter he laid a good deal of 
 stress on the slow progress of the Russian mission, 
 and how most of them hate to be kicking their heels
 
 348 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 in a baking capital instead of taking a normal 
 holiday. 
 
 "He has not mentioned Maud Lacy's name, but 
 somehow I seem to know inside of me that she is 
 there. 
 
 "It is very terrible for one human being to feel 
 toward another as I do toward Maud Lacy. It is 
 so like hatred that it could not truly be called by any 
 other name. 
 
 "The Bible says quite distinctly and clearly that 
 'whoso hateth his brother is a murderer.' Not one 
 extenuating circumstance is allowed. 
 
 "Sometimes it is very hard to follow in the steps 
 of Jesus ; poor human nature is not capable of rising 
 spontaneously to such heights. I have tried to be 
 sorry for Maud Lacy, to pity her for all she is missing 
 in life ; then the woman part of me rises in revolt, and 
 tells me she gets all she wants or cares for in the 
 world, simply because she thinks of no one but her- 
 self. And I go without. There are days when I 
 wish almost passionately that I had been born, if not 
 like her, at least less sensitive. Gilbert has more 
 than once called me morbid. Once when I was 
 feeling unusually bitter, I retorted that if I was really 
 morbid, then he had made me so. It is only in the 
 last few years, since I have slowly parted with 
 confidence in him, that I have become a prey to 
 morbid thoughts. God alone knows how hard I 
 have tried to fight against it all! 
 
 "But outside forces seem too strong for me. Just 
 lately I have become quite conscious of a strange
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 349 
 
 weakening of the will, a disposition to let everything 
 drift. I might liken myself to a ship that has been 
 so long buffeted by adverse winds that it has lost the 
 power of resistance. Perhaps it is only that I am a 
 little run down and out of health. Both Jane and 
 Christina persist in treating me as if I were a sort of 
 invalid, and somehow I just let them ; but so ungrate- 
 ful and unappreciative are we sometimes that I 
 would give all their cosseting for one hour, just one 
 of the old jolly hours of comradeship with Gilbert. 
 Now I am crying a 1 ittle, which Jane has absolutely 
 forbidden. I shall put this away and take a little 
 walk on the plage; perhaps I shall meet them coming 
 back from their dip. The letters have come in, and 
 there are two for Christina. I had better take 
 them to her. 
 
 "A letter has arrived from Mr. Yuill, and he is 
 coming to St. Jacques to-morrow. Christina read 
 out a bit of his letter in which he says London is a 
 howling wilderness without us all, and that he wishes 
 it was time to go to Brean. 
 
 '"He asks very specially for you, Mrs. Trent,' 
 she said. 'When he comes to-morrow he'll see for 
 himself what a poor jimpy crater you are getting. It 
 is indeed high time we had you at Brean to try and 
 put a bit of flesh on your bones.' 
 
 "I just laughed as I always did at Christina's 
 quaint phraseology, but when we got back to the 
 convent, and went to our rooms to tidy ourselves for 
 dejeuner, I could not help seeing in the queer little 
 convex mirror on the wall, which is all I have to dress
 
 350 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 by, that I really am much thinner than I used to be 
 or have ever been. 
 
 "I hope Gilbert won't mind, but most probably 
 he will never notice it at all. This morning, when I 
 awoke, a horrible thought presented itself to my mind 
 and positively refused to go away. I felt so worn out 
 and so little inclined to get up that quite suddenly I 
 began to wonder whether I might be going into a 
 decline. 
 
 "Then Gilbert would be free and would marry 
 Maud Lacy and take her to ou^ dear home, and she 
 would have all my things and turn them over and 
 criticize all its arrangements and laugh at my old- 
 maidish ways. And, above all, she would have 
 Gilbert. It was such a hateful thought that I 
 jumped out of bed immediately, and began to dress 
 quite fast, telling myself such a thing should never 
 happen. I repeated it, as I looked at my thin pale 
 cheeks in the little old mirror, and made up my mind 
 to ask Sister Agathe immediately for quantities of 
 cream to drink so that I may get quite fat before I 
 see Gilbert again. 
 
 "It is quite delightful having Mr. Yuill here. He 
 is so big and strong and wholesome. I see all the 
 women losing their hearts to him on the spot. We 
 tease him dreadfully because the talkative American 
 has annexed him, or rather has tried very hard. He 
 is certainly very clever at getting rid of her, without 
 giving the smallest offence. All the old people and 
 the children are devoted to him, which I always think 
 is the supreme test of a man.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 351 
 
 "He does not in the least mind the convent life, 
 and just laughs at the idea that we are all shut in at 
 night, behind the big gates, like children that need to 
 be kept out of mischief. He organized all sorts of 
 delightful excursions while he was here, and we were 
 very sorry when on the fifth day he said he would 
 have to go to Paris to meet a man on business. 
 
 "He is just as full of affairs as Gilbert, but some- 
 how he does not convey the impression that there is 
 nothing else worth while in the world. He has 
 always time for other things. 
 
 ' ' He asked me only once whether I was expecting 
 Gilbert, and when I started out to explain how the 
 Syndicate might keep him for the greater part of his 
 holiday, he made his lips into a long thin line, what 
 we call his 'Scotch mouth.' We all went in the 
 diligence with him to the station, and our next 
 meeting will, if all goes well, be at Glen Isla. 
 
 " I do love to watch the village women here. They 
 seem to talk so little and to think so much. I have 
 had a good many chats with them, and my fluent 
 French is, I believe, the only possession which Jane 
 envies me. It certainly makes a very great difference 
 to one's enjoyment of a place like this. Some of 
 the women have such sad faces, but when one talks 
 to them they are not in the least sad. Their faith 
 is so amazing, in its way almost sublime. Yet 
 they live in great poverty, dependent on the sea, 
 which is not always kind. 
 
 "One woman to whom I have talked a great deal 
 has lost her husband and three sons at sea, yet her
 
 352 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 face is quite sunshiny, and she talks with simple rever- 
 ence about 'le bon Dieu,' Who doeth all things well. 
 
 ' ' Mr. Yuill left us at noon on Thursday, and about 
 six next evening Gilbert arrived without any warning. 
 Jane and Christina had gone for a day's excursion 
 with some of the people stopping in the convent, and 
 I was sitting all by myself in a sheltered nook I had 
 discovered on the bents. I had just looked at my 
 watch, and, seeing that it was nearly six, I began to 
 roll up my work. And when I turned round, lo! 
 there was Gilbert ! It made me feel quite foolish for 
 a moment. I had been thinking about him, of 
 course when do I not think about him? but some- 
 how I had got resigned to the idea that he would not 
 come to St. Jacques. 
 
 "His greeting was very grave, but I felt so ridicu- 
 lously glad to see him that after a minute or two he 
 drew me down on the bents and we began to talk of 
 everything that has happened in the last three weeks. 
 He told me a good deal about St. Petersburg, and how 
 he had travelled twenty miles into the country to see 
 Claire Destinn, just because he thought it would 
 please me. He was not successful, however, only 
 arriving at the Grand Duke's country house to hear 
 that they had all gone away to his summer palace in 
 the Caucasus. 
 
 "I did not mind in the least that he did not see 
 Claire; the mere fact that he thought of it and 
 wanted to do it for my sake made me ridiculously 
 happy. All my fears and distrust seemed to die a
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 353 
 
 natural death, and I didn't care for anything except 
 that I had got my husband back. 
 
 "When we got up to walk back to the convent, I 
 told him that he had just missed Mr. Yuill by a few 
 hours. But he made me no answer, and there was 
 the queerest look on his face. 
 
 "I can't tell how proud I felt at the dinner table 
 that night, when Gilbert and I entered the salle a 
 manger together, and everybody looked at us; he is 
 so big and handsome, and I have never seen him 
 look better. Certainly his holiday has done him the 
 greatest possible good. 
 
 "All my morbid imaginings have disappeared, and 
 I am going to be as happy as I know how in the next 
 few days. I do hope Gilbert will like this place; I 
 could be so happy with him here. He seemed in 
 great spirits at dinner, and kept the whole table 
 lively. The American woman was very amusing 
 about him when we were having coffee in the court- 
 yard. 
 
 "Say, however have you kept so plum silent 
 about that husband of yours?' 
 
 ' ' I replied that I did not think anybody would be 
 interested in hearing about a man they had never seen. 
 
 " 'That's just where you make a mistake. And I 
 tell you what, if he belonged to me, I'd take good 
 care that I didn't let him too long out of my sight. 
 Now with our Popper it's quite different. Nobody 
 would ever want to run off with him.' 
 
 "I made Gilbert laugh a little over it, but already 
 he is not inclined to laugh much. We spent all the 
 
 23
 
 354 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 morning together on the sand dunes, while Jane and 
 Miss Yuill very considerately went off on another 
 expedition. Before the day was over, he said he had 
 had enough of St. Jacques, and that we should start 
 out for London next day. 
 
 "I felt rather distressed at this, and tried to point 
 out that it was not quite kind to break up the party 
 like that. 
 
 "Then he was quite horrid, and said that if I 
 preferred them to him, I was at perfect liberty to 
 stop, but that he was leaving in the morning. Then 
 I spoke about our coming visit to Glen Isla, and that 
 we could not be so rude and inconsiderate to Miss 
 YuiU. 
 
 '"I'm not going to Scotland this year; I've had 
 all the holiday I want, or am likely to get.' 
 
 ' ' I know I must have looked blankly dismayed at 
 this, but all the while he did not look at me. 
 
 "'You can go to Scotland, of course. It is you 
 they want, anyhow. Where the Yuills are con- 
 cerned, I'm nothing more than an appendage.' 
 
 "Something has happened, and everything is all 
 wrong again. 
 
 "We return to London to-morrow. 
 
 "I am writing this at Glen Isla, and for the 
 moment all my past life seems like a dream. 
 
 "I am unable to account for this strange detach- 
 ment of spirit which has cut me off from all that made 
 me suffer. 
 
 "It is not merely that my husband and I are
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 355 
 
 parted by nearly five hundred miles of distance ; it is 
 something which has little connection with the things 
 of time. I feel somehow as if I were done with it all, 
 as if nothing could have the power to hurt or vex me 
 any more. 
 
 "It cannot mean that I am going to die, for I 
 have never felt better in my life. They all tease me 
 about getting fat, and I have got such a color in 
 my face. Perhaps it is the spell of this place. It is 
 very wonderful, and Christina did not say half 
 enough about it. 
 
 "It would not be possible for me to attempt any 
 description of it. I should have to search about for 
 fresh words. The only two that seem at all ade- 
 quate are majesty and peace. 
 
 " It is as if the peace which passes understanding 
 had sunk into my soul. 
 
 "Nothing mean or small or sordid can live in these 
 noble solitudes, which are as fresh from the hand of 
 God as when He gave them first. I spend hours on 
 the hill behind the house alone, and now they don't 
 seek to hinder me, I suppose because they have dis- 
 covered that there is nothing morbid in my love for 
 solitude, and that I can be gay with the best of them 
 when we 'foregather* (Christina's word) at the dinner 
 table or about the big hall fire at night. I am not 
 able to take long tramps with the guns, even if I 
 could bear to see them kill things. 
 
 ' ' I have found my soul again in this beautiful spot, 
 or, to put it more simply, my soul has found its way 
 back to God.
 
 356 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 ' ' I have no more desire even to question any of the 
 happenings of my life. I seem to know that each 
 one, even the most poignant, has been necessary. 
 
 "Wonder of wonders! I can even think without 
 bitterness of the woman who has been my thorn in 
 the flesh all these years. 
 
 "Even she has been permitted, in order that 
 something might be completed in me. Perhaps too 
 much happiness would not have been good for me. 
 I might have grown hard and selfish without any 
 understanding of the need and suffering of others. 
 For instance, I should not have been able to enter 
 into the trouble of poor Mrs. Arkwright unless I had 
 gone part of that difficult way. 
 
 ' ' I had a letter from her yesterday, quite cheerful 
 and hopeful, in which she says she thinks things are 
 going better in her home. 
 
 ' ' She has every hope of winning her husband back 
 again, and speaks of his gentleness and consideration 
 toward her and the children, but especially toward 
 her. 
 
 ' ' She makes far too much of the little I did for her, 
 and tells me she never goes to sleep a single night 
 without praying God to spare me many years, and 
 give me my heart's desire. 
 
 "What is my heart's desire now, I wonder? 
 Everything seems to have fallen away from my rest- 
 less heart, leaving only peace. 
 
 ' ' I have had only one prayer all these years since 
 I knew I must not ask for another child that God 
 would give me my husband's soul, and that I might
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 357 
 
 yet taste the supreme happiness of kneeling by his 
 side in the prayer and worship which his voice would 
 lead. 
 
 "But even that I can leave now, for God has 
 revealed Himself to me here, and I know that He has 
 undertaken for me. 
 
 "To understand the Scotch fully, one has to see 
 them at home in their own country. The Yuills are 
 perfectly delightful here. 
 
 "They keep an almost feudal style, and all their 
 people seem absolutely devoted to them. What I 
 like best of all the household arrangements is when 
 we gather morning and evening for what they call 
 'worship' in the big hall. All the servants and 
 guests come, and nobody is excused unless they are 
 ill. It is such a fine beginning and ending to the day, 
 and gives one such a feeling of security and peace. 
 
 "Yet people talk as if religion made people dull. 
 What a mistake and a libel it is! There could not 
 possibly be a jollier house than this. I have not 
 laughed so much for years. I do hope nothing will 
 happen to prevent Gilbert coming, at least for a 
 week-end. It would be so good for him to see it all. 
 When I come to think of it, they have never said a 
 word about his visit since I came, though Christina 
 heard him promising me at King's Cross that he 
 would be sure to come. 
 
 "Probably he told Andrew privately that there is 
 no chance of his getting away again, and they think 
 it kinder to me not to speak about it.
 
 358 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 "I had also a letter this morning from Mrs. 
 Jermyn. She is taking the Women's Meeting while 
 I am away, and writes to tell me how she got on on 
 Monday. She also has far too many kind things to 
 say about my work. If it is all true, that they miss 
 me so much, and only bear my absence because it is 
 going to give me fresh strength for the coming winter, 
 why, then, isn't life greatly worth living? How un- 
 grateful and unfaithful I have been! I deserve 
 nothing but to be classed with the doubters of 
 whom Thomas was the chief. 
 
 ' ' I did not have a letter from Gilbert to-day, but 
 I shall have one to-morrow in answer to the one I 
 wrote him sitting on the hillside right high among 
 the heather. I was so pleased because I had a little 
 spray of white heather to send him for luck. I 
 found it all by myself, which one has to do, or it has 
 not the same significance. Christina says it has 
 become very scarce in Glen Isla of late years. 
 People are such vandals in their eagerness to get 
 it, they think nothing of dragging it away by the 
 roots. I cut out my dear little sprig very carefully, 
 and put it inside the page of my letter. I think 
 it was a nice one I wrote. Somehow I felt sunshiny 
 inside, and I just poured out my heart and told 
 him he must come to Glen Isla to be made young 
 again. 
 
 "To-day I have been thinking such a lot about my 
 little son. In my reading to-day I came across that 
 lovely promise about the boys and girls playing 
 about the street of the heavenly city.
 
 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 359 
 
 "Mine is there among them, and when I get there 
 too I shall know him. Then all this hunger of the 
 heart will die away, and I shall take my place among 
 the joyful mothers of children. 
 
 "I somehow think that God will remember how 
 empty my arms were here, and fill them full. I 
 should like to take care of the little lonely children 
 till their own mothers come. 
 
 "Just to-day, sitting here on this gray boulder 
 among the heather with the hills behind and around, 
 the glen with its tumbling stream at my feet, and the 
 illimitable sky overhead, it is all so near and real 
 that almost it might happen any day." 
 
 Here the journal ends, for before twenty-four 
 hours had passed her dream was realized, and all the 
 loneliness of her spirit, the anguish of a misplaced 
 trust, were swallowed up in victory. 
 
 What more can, need I, say? It is all over, save 
 the hell I have created for myself. 
 
 Six months have elapsed, and I am passing these 
 sheets for the Press. 
 
 In the interval I have given them to Jane to read, 
 and she has approved my desire to give this story, 
 Hester's and mine, to the world. But mercifully she 
 has had very little to say. 
 
 She has been more than kind, and has remained on 
 in this sad house when she had the world to choose 
 from, and could have been happier elsewhere. 
 
 To-day she has told me something which has
 
 360 MY WIFE'S HIDDEN LIFE 
 
 surprised me very much. She is going to marry 
 Andrew Yuill. 
 
 ' ' Of course, it was Hester he cared for, and would 
 have given his life for any day. That is why he 
 has never been able to see you or to come here. 
 Hester is the bond between us; she wanted us to 
 marry." 
 
 I muttered something about the risks of marrying 
 for any such motive; but Jane only smiled. 
 
 "Neither of us is young, Gibbie, and I think we 
 won't expect too much. Anyway, we are going to 
 try it, and Christina is a great deal better pleased 
 than if she had been going to marry herself." 
 
 So in a few weeks' time I shall be once more alone, 
 and all the busy world of men and things will go on 
 precisely as if nothing had happened. 
 
 "Will you stop on in this big house, do you 
 think, Gibbie? " asked Jane, looking at me with great 
 kindliness. 
 
 "I will never leave it," I answered, and some of 
 the anguish of my soul found expression in my voice. 
 
 It was a few moments before she answered : 
 
 "I am glad, Gibbie; this house belongs to Hester, 
 and some day I feel sure she will bring you a message 
 from the other side." 
 
 It is the hope in which I live.
 
 :
 
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