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Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 25 Cents. Address all orders to HENRY J. WEHMAN, Publisher, 108 Park Row, NEW YORK. Brudder Bones 4-11-44" IJQKERJ CONTAINING A JOLLY LOT OF Sable Conundrums, Ethiopian Jokes, Burnt Cork Comicalities and Darkey Dialogues. oc 4 by SS MAN, NEW YORK. Copyright, MDCCCXCVII, I>y Henry J. Webman. Popular Books. Sent post-paid at the Prices Marked Wehmau's Book on Dogs. How to keep and train them. Descriptions of the various creeds, their characteristics and points, and their management in health and disease. Sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 10 Cents. Wehman's Book on Rabbits. How to breed and manage them. Tells how to arrange their houses, and gives careful in- structions as to their food and treatment, both in health and disease. Bent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 10 Cents. Wehman's Book on Pigeons. For pleasure and profit. Tells of the different varieties, both wild and domestic, with full direc- tions for their breeding and care. 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All the figures or the German and every new and fashionable dance known in Europe or America. This book is written in so simple a manner that any child, by reading it, can become an expert in dancing without the aid of a teacher. All the latest and fashionable dances are minutely described by illustration from life, explaining positions in round dances, etc., and this original method enables persons to learn the waltz by practicing it a very few times. Hints on the management of balls, etc. Sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 25 Cents. ADDRESS ALL ORDERS TO HENRY J. WEHMAN, Publisher, 1 08 Park Row, New York BRUDDER BONE'S "4-11-44" JOKER. Spell L-a-d-y. :t I understand, sir, that you have been to college V* " Oh yes, sir I've been all frough scollege." 'Then I suppose that you can spell pretty well?" " I can spell anyting dat you can ax me." ' Well, spell Lady, that's an easy word." ' We didn't hab any ob dem in de school I went to." 14 L-a-d-y that spells Lady." " Ob course it does ; any "body ought to know dat," 'What does A-p-p-1-e P-i-e spell?" ' j Lady, to be sure." " No, it spells Apple Pie. What does Pumpkin spell ?" Punkin Pie." " Peach Pie?" " Peach Pie." "Mince Pie?" " Mincen Pie." " Now then, what does L-a-d-y spell ?" " Custard Pie." 809 4 BRUDDER HONES' Mistaken Identity. "In 1864," says a correspondent of WILD OATS, "1 was in the Hospital, near Richmond, Va., and, being convalescent, I was seated one day in fron t of my quarters when I observed a North Carolinian come out of his quarters, opposite, and take a look about the premises. Finally he spied a sick Virginian (yellow as satfron from having the jaundice), seated a short distance away. Thinking, evidently, that he had met a companion from the Palmetto State, the North Carolinian, with that peculiar nasal twang which beats the down Easl Yankee for its intensity, approached him : " 1 say, mister, don't yew belong tew the 42d North Carolina Regiment ?" The Virginian was mad as a hornet, and, looking the daggers he could not gesticulate, he said : " No, you accursed fool ! I've been sick is what makes me look so /" Palmetto drew off his inquiries, satisfied. A Quaker Clincher. A skeptical young collegian confronted an old Quaker with the statement that he did not believe in the Bible. The Quaker said : " Does thee believe in France ?" " Yes, for though I have not seen it, I have seen others that have ; besides there is plenty of corrobora- tive proof that such a country does exist." " Then thee will not believe anything thee and others have not seen ?" " No, to be sure I won't." " Did thee ever see thy own brains?" No." " Ever see anybody that did ?" "No." " Does thee believe thee has any." The young man left. If you spend an evening out, never finish it with a reel. "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 6 Patriotic. " Massa, I was to a party de oder night." " Did you have a rich time ?" " Didn't do nofin else." " I suppose you had a supper there ?" " Yes, sir, and such a supper, and wine flew like water." " Was there any sentiment given at the table ?" "Guess not; I didn't see datdish on de bill obfair." "You don't understand I mean toasts." " Oh, I know now what you mean. When day was drinkin' somebody would say, ' Here's to us,' etc." " Yes, exactly. 1 suppose you had your turn T "Yes, sir." " What was the toast given by you ?" " It was dis De ships ob our navy, De ladies ob our land ; May de former be full rigg'd, And de latter be well mann'd." Our office boy's brother is a boy in a store further up town. We overheard them comparing notes of matters and things the other day, and says our boy's brother, " Well, I know that it is rather rough on a fellow to be bossed around by everybody in the store, but, by jingo, don't I get even when the ash-man comes in the morn- ing, eh ? You just bet !" Chicago theatre audiences are judged from a moral point of view by the number of those that go out " to see a man." On a recent occasion, at the principal theatre, the whole audience, except two men, went out to drink. On investigation, it was found that, of these two, one was already drunk, and the other had an ui> settled account at the bar and dare not go. A young lady from the country now visiting the city writes home thusly : " Nobody isn't nothin' now which doesn't hole up her cloz, and the hier you holes 'em the more you are notised." 6 BRUDDER BONE'S Tax Levy Dialogue. First Citizen (reading the city tax levy). Hillo! what in thunder is this item ? " Wells and pumps " (for keeping the same in repair), $2,500. Second Citizen I thought such things were done away with in New York. Third Citizen I guess it must mean the expenses o f the Croton Board. Of course we have no pumps. First Citizen No, no. The Croton Aqueduct Board asks for five thousand in another place. I don't under- stand it. " Pumps and wells " it's a fraud. I'll write a letter to the Herald about it, right away. " Wells and pumps." Fiddlesticks! Fourth Citizen Now, don't go off half-cocked, my friend. The amount asked for is quite reasonable. First Citizen How so ; where are our wells and pumps? Fourth Citizen I will enlighten you. We have a city government. Very good ; in fact well and good. Is not the city treasury a well ; and is not every office a pump .' First Citizen Why necessarily a pump ? Fourth Citizen Hath not each office a sucker in it ? Therefore, I say the demand is reasonable. The wear and tear cannot be large, yet those suckers must not be allowed to get dry ; hence the demand for repairs. The citizens scatter, well convinced that they know but little about running a city goverment. Taking it Easily. HENRIETTA I hear you are to be married ; when is your wedding to come off? ADELAIDE O, I don't know, exactly ; I have several visits to pay this spring, and one or two old flames to smother ; besides, Harry says he cannot give up his shooting excursion this fall, and, as I shall be kept at Newport all summer well, I guess we'll settle it ai>out Christmas, when there is nothing else going on, you know. What sort of legs does a factory mule go upon? Spindle-shanks, of course, "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 7 A Good Lighter. In our regiments was a rollicking Irishman, called John, who had seen a vast deal of the world, and who had profited by his experience. John was favored with a face so grotesque and droll that his appearance among the boys was the signal for fun. The camp frontier was on the W turnpike, and here the boys congregated to amuse themselves after their own volition. John was usually among them, smoking vigorously, but talking little. One evening while here seated, there came up the road a certain commissary who, in some manner, had given offense to the men, and whom they howled and groaned at most unmerci- fully. At this the mule, upon which he was riding, took fright, and it was with great difficulty that the commissary could restrain him. Having accomplished this, and with many threats of direful import, he rode on, John only remarking that he was " a quare boy." The following evening our friend again rode up gallantly, was again greeted as he had been the night before, and this time the mule threw him, in a sitting posture, on the ground Picking himself up, he approached the men, swearing furiously, threatening that he would at once report the affair at headquarters, and that they should be promptly and summarily dealt with. As he was about to move on, John, who had all this time maintained the utmost gravity, here broke in and addressed the discomfited commissary as follows : " I say, Commissary, [ don't know how good a rider ye are, but, begorra, ye're the divil at 'lightin' !" Amid a roar of laughter, our ration-al friend speedily got out of the way. Avoid hypocrisy, my dear boys, in all its moods and tenses. If you think a man is a fool, tell him so, un- less he is bigger than yourself. " I have a great love for old hymns" said a pretty girl to her masculine comoanion. " I am much fonder af younjr hers," was nis repiy._ 8 THE " DUNDREARY'' A Negro Sermcn. " ' Strate am de road, an narrow am de paff which leads off to glory!' Bredren Blevers : You am sem- bled d is nite in comin' to hear de word, an' have it splained an' monstrated to yu ; yes yu is an' I 'tend to splain it as de lite of libin day. We are all wicked sinners har below it's a fack, bredren, an' 1 tell you how it cum. Yu see, " Adam was de fust man, Eve was de tudder ; Cane was de wicked man, Kase lie killed his brudder." Adam an Ebe were boff black men, an' so was Cane an' Able. Now I s'pose it seems to strike yer under- standings how de fust white man cum. Why, I let you know Den you see when Cane killed his brud- der, de massa cum an' say, ' Cane, whar's yu brudder Able ?' Cane say, ' I don't know, massa.' But de nig- ger node all de time. Massa now get mad an' come again speak mighty sharp dis time. ' Cane, whar's yu brudder Able, yu nigger?' Cane now get frightened an' he turn white; an' dis de way de fust white man cum upon dis earth. An' if it had not been for dat dar nigger Cane, we'd nebber been troubled wid de sassy whites 'pon de face of dis circumlar globe. De quire will sing de forty-eleventh hymn, tickler meter. Brud- der Joe, pass around the sassar." Scientific men have recently discovered that the poi- son taken into the system from continual smoking of tobacco will cause death in one hundred and sixty seven years. We vvarn our readers who have been smoking nearly that time to break themselves of the habit at once. "Lookee here, mister, I ain't complainin'; but this 'ere moosic stool you sold to my wife, we've twisted it roun' till we've twisted off un's ead, an' not a ha'porth o'toon can we get out of 'un.'j^ 4-H-44" JOKE BOOK. Don't believe me, Sam? Why, I was dar all one winter. What college was it ? Pale Ale College. Yale College. What did you do ? Why, I made all de fires and cleaned de stugents' boots. " What is this world coming to ?" said a kind-hearted but simple old lady, as she threw down her newspaper. " Only to think," she continued, " that there in New York, at Fisk's Opera House, they allow a parcel of French dancing girls to execute their grand pas on the stage, with the people all a looking at 'em and applaud- ing of 'em too !" A physician going down street with a friend of his, said to him, " Let us avoid that pretty little woman you see there on the left ; she recognizes me, and casts upon me looks of indignation. I attended her husband." " Ah ! I understand, you had the misfortune to dispatch him." " On the contrary," replied the doctor, " I saved him, and she did not get a chance to get another." Mrs. Jones (to her husband who has been " calling "). Well, Jones, you are a nice-looking man, ain't you ? Where have you been? Jones. Been c-c-alling, my dear hie ! Mrs. J. I should say so ; how came you so bedaubed with mud ? Jones. Why, fac ish, I stumbled over a horse-car, and we fell into the mud together. (Jones is put to bed). At Lawrence, Kansas, last Sunday, while a minister was holding forth in the church, a crowd got up a cock-fight in the yard. The people who had congre^ gated to hear " the Word " went out to put a stop to the fight, but waited until the battle was over before objecting. The minister looked out of the window at the crowd and said : " We are all miserable sinners which whipped?" 10 BRUDDER BONE'S Life in Chicago. Chicago Wife What is the meaning of this, Henry ? We have been married nearly a whole year, and now you talk of getting a divorce, and have commenced to sell the furniture. Chicago Husband Yes, I am going to make a clean eweep and get an entire new domestic outfit. But you needn't take on so about it; your first husband didn't live with you but three months, and your second but six months, so I think I have done pretty well by you. A young couple eloped from a neighboring town lately, and when at a safe distance from home were married. Soon after an officer was in pursuit, and upon arriving at the hotel where they were stopping he im- mediately entered their room and found them snug in bed. He explained his errand, when the young lajSy said, with a ringing laugh: "Tell ma it's too late. We've been married some time, and have bean in bed half an hour. Snuggle up, George, and don't get out of bed for him." Old Captain Moon (of Western steamboat notoriety,) was sitting one night on the capstan, keeping a sharp look-out ahead, when, lulled by the driving machinery, he went fast a-sleep, which was no sooner perceived, than one of the hands gave him a " turn round." facing the boiler fires, and then stuck a pin in him. Opening his eyes, he gave one jump and snouted : " Back her? stop her ! here's a big steamboat right into us." A marrying bachelor anxiously asks if it would be of any use to attempt to make love to a young lady after one has stood on her dress till he could hear the gathers rip at her waist? Yes, if you have a plenty of money, let her rip. Instead of " hops' ; this season, we are to have round dances called " twists." It will be common to see a gentleman walk up to a lady, run out his elbow, and say " Madam, will you favor me with a twist ?" and she twists. "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 11 New Mode of Borrowing Money. Master. Where have you been these few days past? Clown. I don't like to tell you, massa, M. Why not ? Have you been fishing ! C. He ! he ! he ! M. Come, tell me. C. You won't be mad at me? M. No, sir. C. Well, I've been to jail. M. To jail ? C. Yes, sir. M. What did they put you there for ? C. For only borrowing two dollars and * half from a man. M. Why, sir, you're talking nonsense; people are not imprisoned for berrying money. C. Well, massa, you see I had to knock dis feller down tree or four times afore he let me hab it. " What have you got that's good ?" said a hungry traveller, as he seated himself at a dinner table in Salt Lake City. " Oh, we've got roast beef, corned beef, roast mutton, boiled and fried ham, and broiled curlews?" " What is curlew ?" said the stranger. "Curlew ! why curlew is a bird something like a snipe." " Could it fly ?" " Yes." " Did it have wings ?" Yes." " Then I don't want any curlew. Anything that had wings and could fly, and didn't leave this d d country, I don't want for dinner." During the performance of an overture, one of the trumpets played too low, which the leader observing, he cried out : " Louder, louder !" No attention being paid, he repeated his command so often that at length the indignant Teuton threw down his trumpet in an. agony of passion and exaustion, and turning to the au- dience exclaimed : "It is very easy to cry louder, louden 1 but vhere ist the vind to come from ?" Why is a sick Jew like a ruby 1 Because it is a (jew ill.) 12 BRUDDER BONES' An Old, Old Story. The following is as old as Luther, but is new to this generation at least. In the town of Kennebunk it was the custom, many years ago, for each family to take turns in killing their hogs, so that, by distribution, all couid have fresh pork the season Found. One individ- ual, who had enjoyed his roast pork, and pork and beans, having had many of the like favors showered thick upon him, thought it no more than right that he should return the compliment to his neighbors. Meet- ing a neighbor, Mr. Gill by name, he told him that he thought he should reciprocate ; but the great trouble was, his pork was only a " little pig," and worild not go half round the village. " Well," said Gill, " I'll tell you what to do; you just kill the pesky critter and hang him outside your barn, so that the people will see it, arid at twelve o'clock to night you just come out and take him in, and swear somebody stole him do you see ?" " Jess so !" says the other ; and straightway slaughtered his pig, and hung him in view of all pass- ers-by. At about mid-night he went to take his defunct squealer in, when behold, it was missing ! He went to bed, troubled in mind and body, but on rising next morning went straightway to find Gill, and the follow- ing conversation took place : Mr. J. " Gill, my friend, by the powers, my pig, that I killed yesterday, was stole!* last night !" Mr. G. " You don't say so 1 goodness me !" Mr. J. " Yes ; I hung it out on the barn, and when I went to take it in, I found it gone." Mr. G. " That's the way ! keep it up keep it up ! If I did not know you were lying, I'd swear you told the truth !" Mr. J. " But I tell you, confound ye ! I'm telling the truth. My pig was stole !" Mr. G. "That's it! How wonderful! You beat the best actor I've ever seen ! It's a big joke !" Mr. J. " But, hang it, it's no joke to me ! The pig was stolen last night, and that's Gospel truth !" "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 18 Mr. G. " Well, if you tell all the village with such an earnest manner, every man, woman, and child will surely believe ye." Mr. J. " But I tell you well, no matter." And Mr. J. left his friend Gill with curses loud and deep. It transpired that Gill was the cruel one who stole the little pig away. Difficulties in Either Case. One evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion that the lower animals have an " immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, " Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quick- ly round, replied, " True, sir ; and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't know what to think of him." Metaphor. Sometimes the sayings of colored folks will provoke laughter in spite of one's self. Last win- ter, during a revival in a negro congregation at Harmer, one of the members an old and very earnest Christian woman relating her experience and rejoicing in the fact that she was a Christian woman, said : " I would rather be a deck-hand on de ark of de Lord dan be de Captain ob de Wild Wagoner." The Wild Wagoner was then the Wheeling and Cincinnati packet, and one of the finest vessels above the falls of the Ohio. " Is my face dirty ?" asked a young lady from the backwoods, while seated with her aunt at the dinner table on a steamboat running from Cairo to New Orleans. "Dirty! No. Why did you ask T "Because that insulting waiter insists upon putting a towel beside my plate. I've thrown three under the table, and yet every time he comes around he puts another one before me." Sixty skaters have been drowned in Ohio within the past two weeks. The undertakers indorse skating as a rational amusement. 14 BRUDDER BONES' Awful. " So you had a suicide at your house last week ?" " Oh, yes siree, and de affair almost scart me fco defF." " Who was the person "?" " A German from California." " Did he come by the steamer ?" " No, he cum ober de Erecipilus by de Nicerauger route and stopped at our house prebious to his 'ribal." " Was he insane ?" " I don't know, Sam, but I thought he was crazy by his actions." " Why so V " Coz he gib me a shillin' de minute he laid eyes on me and from dat minute I stuck to him for fear dat somebody would rob him." "How did you discover the deed ?" " Why de next mornin de chambermaid was goin up stairs and she had to pass by dis gemman's door; and just as she got to de door she smelt lodlum, and when she smelt lodlum she smelt a rat. She knocked at de door but no answer den she broke de door down and dar she beheld " "What ?" " De California man layin on de floor wid his boots on and in his troat was stickin a lodlum bottle." " What did she then do ?" " Why, sent right away for de Sturgeon." " The Surgeon, you mean." " Yes ; he come and made a desissionhere in de neck." " Incision, you mean." " Yes ; right nigh de borax, which reached as fur as de equilibrium into de sarcophigus, and puttin acortven into de desission, gib him a poke into de dispotchlus, when out flew de bottle and was safe." " What the man ?" " No de bottle, to be sure." Why are soldiers apt to be tired in the month of April ? Because they've just gone through a MARCH ? "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 1 5 New Bat Exterminator. ' Massa, I've jest discovered how to catch rats a new way." ' How do you mean ?" " What will you gib me to tell you ?" Yes, sir, a whole pail ob hot water. The late Rev. Dr. Bethune once entered the crowded cabin of a Brooklyn ferry-boat, and while looking about for a seat suddenly heard himself addressed by name. Turning round he found a man standing, who said : Doctor, take my seat ; it's an honor to give such a man a seat. Ever since I heard of that big church in New York trying to get you away by giving a call of five thousand dollars, and you said you'd see 'em d d first, I have had a great respect for you, and I think it an honor to give you a seat." Shakspeare. " Avaunt and quit my sight ! Thy bones are mar- rowlessthy blood is cold thou hast no speculation in those eyes, with which thou dost glare upojj, me "and thy head puts me in mind of ( What, sir ?" " A worn-out mop/* v 4.1 1.44" JOKE BOOK. 47 The Man In The Moon. " I heard 'em say dere was a man in de moon ?" " Yes. T believe it too." " Why, dat's foolish." " No, sir, for my wife sed she didn't know an oder man, nor want to, but me, and den she sed de honey moon was nsin'." The Soul. " Sam, did you ever hear dat great preacher dis- course about de soul ?" " No. What did he say." " He sed de soul is a prisoner dat always kills its jailer when it makes its escape." " Wery beautiful ! But who did he say was tne jailer ?" " " He didn't say, but I s'pose it is de thread dat.de shoe is sewed wid." " Pompey, when I see you in de gutter 1 tink ob de philosopher who sed : "No man is so deep but has a shallow place." " Jenny," said a landlady to her maid the other morning, " Jenny, was there any fire in the kitchen last night when you were sitting up ?" " Yes, marm," said Jenny, " there was a spark there when I went down, and 1 soon fanned it into flame." The landlady looked suspiciously at Jenny, but she, innocent girl, went on scrubbing, and humming " Joe, the Postman." An impecunious printer at Houston, Texas, wanted a printing press, and not having the wherewithal to purchase it, wrote to a man in New York, stating that if a press was not sent them immediately to print ballots with, the state would be " lost " to the Demo- crats. The press was sent, and Tracy, the sharper, rejoices in its possession. He is the champion con- fidence man of the Lone Star State. 48 BRUDDER BONES' Doctors. , can you tell me de fust ting a doctor does when he goes to see a sick man ?" " Why, he looks at his tongue, of course." " And can a doctor tell what's de matter wid de man by looking at his tongue ?" " Of course." " Den I want a doctor." " Are you unwell, sir." " No, but I've got a wagon dat's got somfin de matter wid it, and de wagon's got a tongue." "May I sing, ma?" asked a young lady of four who had been taken to church by her mother, and whose bump of music was doubtless excited by the perform- ance to which she was listening. Ma, whose eye was upon the paniers in the next pew, of course said " Yes," as all indulgent mothers do ; and little hopeful with a strong voice, commenced " Up in a balloon." " Hush ! hush !" said ma, " don't sing that !" Pausing a moment, the young vocalist struck up " Not for Joe," and was immediately hustled out of the sanctuary. How is this for High. A boy was once watching some of his schoolfellows as they pelted an old gentle- man's windows with snowballs. The old gentleman finally rushed out of the house, determined, if possible, to inflict some severe punishment on the offender, say- ing, when he caught the boy: "Now, you rascal, I'll whip you within an inch of your life !" Accordingly, he began to thrash him, when the boy immediately commenced laughing, and continued until the old gen- tleman desisted with the exclamation "What are you laughing at?" "Well, said the boy, "I'm laughing because you are awfully sold ; I airft the boy /" " My dear," said an affectionate spouse to her husband, " am I not your only treasure ?" " Oh, yes," was the cool reply, " and I would willingly lay it up in heaven. "^_ "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 49 Stopped Sudden. " Julius, I heard that an accident happened you lately ?" " Yes, Sam, I fell off a ladder sixty-foot high." " Did you hurt you much when you fell V " Oh no, Sam, de fall didn't hurt me, it was stoppin 3 so sudden." " How did the accident occur?" " After I got almost to de top ob de ladder a pig come and rubbed himself against de bottom and upset it." That was a funny remark of the little girl who was sent out to hunt hen's eggs. She thought as she didn't find any, it was strange, as she saw '"' lots of hens standing around doing nothing." A shoddy young lady surprised her mother on return- ing from a dance by saying that she enjoyed the " hugg- ing, set to music, most bullyly." She had reference to waltzing, and why isn't that a good name for it 1 We think it a capital one. " Have I not a right to be saucy, if I please ?" asked a young lady of an old bachelor. "Yes, if you please, but not if you displease. Admitted. Of all the strikes that inflict the greatest injury on the people, and leave nothing but bad blood and ill-feeling behind them, the policeman's strike is admitted to be the worst. Happiness. Among the "Wants" in one of our daily papers we see " Partial beard for a single gentle- man ; house kept by a widow and daughter ; busses and cars convenient." Oh ! that we were a boarder ! At a sabbath-school at Burlington, Iowa, a pupil said that children were Christ's lambs. " Then, if the children are lambs, what are the old folks," asked a lady teacher. " Old bucks," answered a boy of the period, 50 BRUDDER BONES' Barber. " Well, do you make plenty of money now, Julius ?" " Pretty good deal ; but I am in de shavin' business." "Indeed ! Well, how do you succeed as a fashion- able barber?" " Why. you see, Pompey, I charge six cents, an has a good many customers in de shavin line ; but when de liquor law goes in operation, I shall charge ten cents for a shave, and that is after the fourth of July." " Why, Julius, what is the reason you intend to raise the price of shaving from six to ten cents after the fourth of July ?" " Well, I make a close calculation, it will take so much more lather, because, you see, the faces of nine- tenths of my customers will then be one-third lunger." As the ferry boat was leaving the foot of Chambers street, N. Y., on Saturday, " Pat," the porter of the Spaulding House, Binghampton, had to make a jump of about three feet to get aboard. He was excited at the prospect of getting left, and jumped further than was necessary, landing among the chains, and rolling over against the ladies' cabin. Picking himself up, he looked at the gap between the boat and the shore, in- creased to about forty feet by the moving boat, scratched his head and said : " Howly Jabers, what a lep !" He thought he had made the biggest jump on record. A Cool Philosopher. A young chap boarded at one of the hotels in San Francisco, and managed for a long time, by one artifice or another, to postpone the pay- ment of his bill. At last, the landlord became quite impatient, and stepping up to his boarder, slapped him gently on the shoulder, and asked him for some money. " I have not a red cent about me at present," was the laconic reply. " But, my dear sir," said the landlord, "I cannot afford to keep a boarding-house without be- ing paid." " Well, sir," exclaimed our young philoso- pher, " if you cannot afford it, sell out to somebody who can" "4-1144" JOKE BOOK. 51 Kisses. " Julius, what is a kiss ?" " A kiss is a buss," " Suppose that you kiss a person's hand, what do you call it ?" "A silly-buss." " Now, then, if you should kiss everybody in the room^ without regard to sex, what would you call that v " An omni-buss." "Suppose you kiss the wrong person ?" 'Why, dat would be a blunder-buss." "Suppose you should go down in de kitchen and kiss the cook ?" " Why, den you're gone, sure." "How is that ? " 'Case you'll bus-t your biler." A lively demand for tracts at a Western settlement recently ^encou raged the hopes of the Tract Society that an immense work of revival must be going on there. The cry was constantly for " tracts, more tracts." At last it leaked out that the settlers were using these promoters of faith, not for moral comfort, but to paper their log cabins with. The Tract Society since the discovery, is a wiser, but sadder institution. A disappointed young man, whose girl had " gone back" on him, went to a Muscatine drug store the other night, and called for a dose of cold poison. The druggist surmised his purpose, and, without saying anything, gave him, instead of poison, a powerful emetic. It had a good effect, as he soon threw up his sad spirits, and begged lustily for his life. A committee appointed to investigate an alleged charge of undue punishment inflicted by a school teacher reported " that the punishment was not actuated by malice, but was occasioned by an undue appreciation "f the thickness of the boy's pantaloons." 52 BRUDDER BONES' Paddy's "Excelsior." 'Twas growing dark so terrible fasht, Whin through a town up the mountain there pashecl A broth of a boy to his neck in the shnow* As he walked, his shillalah he swung to and fro, Saying, it's up to the top I'm bound for to go, Be jabers ! He looked mortal sad, and his eyes were as bright, As a fire of turf on a cowld winter night, And a divil a word that he said could ye tell, As he opened his mouth and let out a yell, It's up to the top of the mountain I'll go, Onless covered up with this bothersome shnow, Be jabers ! Through the windows he saw as he traveled along, The light of the candles and fires so warm, But a big chunk of ice hung over his head, Wid a shiver and groan, by St. Patrick ! he said, It's up to the very tip-top I will rush, And then if it falls it's not meself it'll crush, Be jabers ! Whist a bit ! said an owld man, whose head was as white As the shnow that fell down on that miserable night ; Shu n>, ye'll fall in the wather, me bit of a lad, For the night is so dark and the walkin' so bad, Beclad ! he'd not lisht to a word that was said, But he'd go to the top if he went on his head, Be jabers ! A bright buxom young girl, such as like to be kissed, Axed him wudn't hesthop, and how could he resist? So, snapping his fingers, and winking his eye, While shmiling upon her, he made this reply Faith, 1 meant to kape on till I got to the top, But as your shwate self has axed me, 1 may as well shtop, Bejabers ! " 4-11-44 r ' JOKE BOOK. S3 He shtopped all night and he sh topped all day, And ye mustn't be axin when he did gu away; Fur wudn't he be a bastely gossoon To be lavin' his darlint in the shwate honey-moon? Whin the old man has praties enough and to spare, Shure he might as well shtay, if he's comfortable there, Be jabers ! Book-Keeper. " Sam, why don't you come down to the store and see me ?" " To the store ! What do vou do in a store?" " Why, Sam, I am a clerk." " Oh, yes. Well, what do you have to do ?" " Not much. 1 go down in the morning about five o'clock, sweep out the store, make de fires, take down de shutters, wait on de ladies, &c. Oh, Sarn ! I don't hab much to do." " I suppose your employer places great confidence in you?" " Yes ; the boss went out of town the other day, an left me in charge of de bisness. We done a first-rate bisness that day, an when the boss came back, he went behind the counter, opened the drawer to see how much money had been taken, an he found that it had all been taken." " Then, I suppose, you were taken ?" " Yes ; the proprietor had me down to the police court, an a man that was in the store swore that he see me take the money, an they was jest a goin to send me up to whar dey sing twice, but I told the judge it was not right to commit me, for there was but one man swore that he see me take the money, an I could go out and get two hundred that would swear they didn't see me take it ; so they let me go." " What are you doing now ?" " I got another place. I am a book-keeper now," " How do you keep books ?" "Easy enough. I takes 'em home at night, keeps 'em till next day, an' den brings 'em back again." 54 BRUDDER BONES' " Is it a goov. situation ?" " First-rate. J get seven dollars a month." "Surely, that's very good." " Yes, sir ; seven dollars a month an' found." " That's better still." " And I get one month's wages in advance." " When do you go to work ?" w Just as soon as the man finds me." " What will you do then ?" " Why, I'll get another month's wages an' let him find me again." A woman in Indiana prays that she may be cut loose from her husband, giving as a reason that he has only bought her a pair of shoe-strings since their marriage. We sympathize with the woman. Such a wardrobe as that must be rather cool at this season of the year, to say nothing of how a woman must look dressed only in a pair of shoe-strings. One Sunday morning as a flock of the faithful were wending their way to the village church they were sur- prised to find the building closed, the bell silent, and no evidence that a congregation were expected to as- semble. The astonishment of the brethren and sisters was somewhat relieved by the sudden discovery of the following placard : " This 'ere plais is klozed for repairs onto the preach- er. His voice is gin eout, & we've sent him to Sava- togy to recooper it, onto ful-pay. Sinners under kon- vickshun is respeckfully requested to adjurn to Sara- togy, eff they have the stamps. Eff not, to hold til the Fall term. Eff they konclude to die in the mean- time, your preacher will maik it awl rite with 'em in the nex wurld." Slender party (who is not very comfortable) " These street cars ought to charge by weight," Stout party (sharply) " Ah ! if they did they would never stop to pick you up." "4-1144" JOKE BOOK. 65 Lap Dog. " Sam, I heard somefin' 'bout Pompey yesterday." "What is it, Julius!" " Why, he went down to see his gal night afore last, an' his gal has got a pooty little dog an' she was hug- gin' an' kissin' de dog, when Pompey got jealous." "What did he say?" " Sez he to de gal, ' Jane, why don't you kiss me like you do de little dog ?' " " What answer did she make ?" " Why, she tole him dat she didn't kiss ebery puppy dat come along." " Sam, what's next to de oyster ?" " I really don't know, Julius." " Why, de shell, ob course." A greenhorn sat a long time, very attentive, musing upon a cane-bottom chair. At length he said : " I wonder what fellow took the trouble to find all them ar holes, and put straws around 'em." A Boston undertaker having established himself next door to a popular livery stable, was accosted one day by an individual, apparently in a great hurry, who asked, " Can I get an open buggy here ?" " No sir," said the interrogated, "we haven't got a buggy, but, (pointing to a hearse which stood at the door) we can accommodate you with a skeleton wagon!"" General Wood says, in writing from Brazil, that the ladies, on being introduced to a stranger, insist upon being embraced, " heart throbbing against heart." Ho, for Brazil ! A Hotel at Red Oak, Iowa, advertises : " The most polite ladies will act as waiters, dresssd in pea-green jackets, tilting hoops, and high-heeled buttoned gaiters." How about the hash ? That's of more importance to a hungry man than pea-green jackets or buttoned-up hoops. 56 BRUDDER BONES' Lola Montez. " Jake, did you eber hear Lola Montez lecture ?" " Bless your heart, no." " Wall, I did." " What did she say ?" " I can't recollect, but she sed de man always lubs de woman a*nd de woman does what she wants wid him." " No sir-ee, dat aint right." " Well, she said Ebe tempted Adam, and crammed an apple in his troat, and so it has been eber since, an I know what she sez is all right, for de newspapers all say de same ting." " Oh, Adam wasn't no man, den." " Wasn't no man T 11 No, he was defunct afore dat occurred." " Was what ?" " He was dead in lub wid Ebe." Alas ! that there should be so many poor souls who, in this world, and that which is to come, look forward to nothing that is substantially comfortable and satis- fying ! Here, for instance, is a veritable descendant ol St. Martha, who came into a neighbor's house a few days since, downcast, wearying with many cares and cumbered with much serving, " So much to dot clean- ing, "working, cooking, washing, sewing, and everything else ! No rest ! never was, never will be for vne !" " 0, yes," said the good woman she addressed, " there will be a rest one day for us all a long rest." " Not for me ! not for me," was the reply. ' When- ever I do die, there will be certain to be resurrection the very next day ! It would be just my luck ! ' Tit-for-Tat. George Coleman getting out or a hack ney coach one night, gave the driver a shilling. " This is a bad shilling, sir," said the driver. " Then it is all right," said George, with his inimitable chuckle, '' it is all right yours is a bad coach." Why are a young lady's affections always doubtful ? Because they are miss-givings. "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 57 Bank Note. " Julius, what was that man tryin' to sell you yes- terday ?" "It was a bank-note detector." " Did you buy one ?" No." "Why not?" " I tole de man dat I would buy one if he could de- tect a bank-note in my pocket." False Witness. The children at a Sunday-school not long since, being asked, among other questions, what bearing false witness against one's neighbor meant, a pert little girl replied : " That it was when nobody hain't done nothing, and somebody goes and tells." Jones thinks that soda-water is not reliable for a steady drink. It is too gassy. The next morning after drinking thirty-eight bottles he found himself full of gas and as tight as a balloon. He hadn't an article of clothing that he could wear except his umbrella. Chilicothe, Ohio, is having fun with one of those careful ministers. His name is Charles F. Blank. He has been acting so with the wife of the sexton of the church that they couldn't take any comfort with him. All of which comes from not sowing one's " wild oats" before one gets into the " cloth." Young lady (to Fred, with thin legs) " Fred, I always admired your courage. I knew when I first laid my eyes on yu, that you were brave to rashness." Fred (coming up smiling) "Oh! don't my dear? Why do you say that?" Young lady "Why any man must have courage who can trust himself long at a time on such legs as yours." At Cedar Falls, Iowa, they get mad if a man goes into the theater with a cigar in his mouth and puts his heels on the shoulders of the man in front of him. A man got arrested just for that out there. There is no sociability about some people. 68 BRUDDER BONES' Perpetuating life. " Julius, I hab found out a new way ob perpetuating my life." " Pompey, is that so 1 If it is original it must be good." " Yes, Julius. I claimed it as original though others had employed it before me." " Then it can't be original." " Yes, sir, it is." " Well, let's hab it, Pompey?" " Stump de State for political candidates, an' you will get a strong name ; den go and rob a bank an dat builds your fame, for Ole Massa Antony sed when he buried de great fader ob your name, Julius, " de evil dat men do will live after dem." " Den de argument is, dat stump speaking is evil ?" " Yes, ob course, if you look at it as I look, an' many oders do, to carry out dere base purpose." " Oh, I see. It is de foundation ob evil." " Yes, and de root ob all (subsequent) evil." At Terre Haute, Ind., a man " reproved " his wife with an ax handle, breaking a lot of her i v ibs. He should be " reasoned " with a piece of rope. On the arrival of an emigrant ship, some years ago, when the North Carolina lay off the Battery, an Irish- man, hearing the guns fired at sunset, inquired of one of the sailors what it was. " What's that? Why, that's sunset," was the con- temptous reply. " Sunset !" Paddy exclaimed, with distended eyes, "sunset? Howly Moses ! and does the sun always go down in this country with such a whack as that?" Why is a newspaper reporter like a pickpocket ? Because he takes notes and must have nimble fingers to ensure success. Why, if my father has ten sisters may it be inferred that I have leased property ? Because I have ten aunts (tenants). "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. 59 A Californian proposes a pretty little job to Con- gress. He owns, he writes, a number of silver mines : " I own millions and millions of feet of affluent silver leads in Nevada in fact, I own the entire undercrust of that country, nearly ; and if Congress would move that State off my property so that I could get at it, I would be wealthy yet." A person at Liverpool, England, writes to Milwaukea to get information as to the whereabouts of one John Smith, but the papers there are unable to find him. We don't -want to press our services upon the man, but there was a John Smith in one of the Wisconsin regi- ments during the war. It might be well to write to him. The Spaniards are not commonly supposed to be a progressive people, and yet it is certain that at this moment Spain is the most rising country in Europe, not excepting even Ireland. A Boston lady going through Kansas, saw an animal near the depot, and asked a boy if it was a buffalo. Her curiosity was satisfied when he replied. " No ma'am. Them's a muil !" Restoratives were immedi- ately applied, and she enjoyed a good night's rest. A noted Western Express Company prints on its shipping receipts that it will not be liable for " any loss or damage by fire, the acts of God or Indians, or other enemies of the government." A girl in Chester, Vt., has died from tight lacing. These corsets should be done away with, and if the girls can't live without being squeezed we suppose men can be found who would sacrifice themselves. As old as we are, we had rather devote three hours a day, without a cent of pay, as a brevet corset, than see these girls dying off in that manner. Office hours al- most any time. 60 BRUDDER BONES' "4-11-44" JOKE BOOK. Stays. '' Bosh, did you eber see a pair of stays ?" "Take care an' don't insult me." " How is dat goiu' to insult you I should like to know ?" " Why, I wore 'em." " You wore 'em ? Ha ! ha !" " Yes, wen I in de State's prison." " Oh, I don't mean dat kind ob stays : I mean ladies corsets." " No, Sam, I neber seed any ob dem, but 1'se seen Uncle Sam's stays." " Bosh, dat was witty." " Yes, sir. I always wet-tea afore I hans it round." " Sam, de most curious ting I eber see was dat a watch always keeps so dry." "Why, Julius?" " 'Case dars a running spring inside ob it." Why are persons with short memories like office- holders ? Because they are always for getting everything. THE END. Popular Books. Sent post-paid at the Prices Marked Wehman's Parlor Conjurer. A capital little baud-book of parlor magic, sleight of hand, card tricks, coin tricks, and directions for the constructipn and use of conjurer's implements. Sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 1 Ceiita. Wehman's Black Art; or Magic Made Easy. A full and complete description and explanation of all kinds of sleight-of- hand tricks and conjuring with cards and coins, as performed by the most renowned prestidigitators and conjurors; together with wonderful experiments in magnetism, chemistry, electricity, and fireworks, so simplified as to be adapted for amusement in the home circle. Sent by man, post-paid, on receipt of 10 Cents. Mother Shipton's Gipsy Fortune-Teller and Dream BOOK. With NAPOLEON'S ORACULUM. 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With exact copies of over 125 seals, signs, em- blems, etc., used by Moses, Aaron, Israelites, Egyptians, etc., in their astonishing magical and other arts, including the period of time covered by the Old and New Testament. This wonderful translation is of great importance to the Christian, Deist, Jew or Gentile, Episcopalian or Roman Catholic, and dissenters of every denomination. The extracts from the old and rare Mosaic books of the Talmud and Cabala are in- valuable. It is from the German translation that we have produced the English edition of the Sixth and Seventh Books of Moses. The German work has for some time largely circulated in Germany and among the Germans of this country, and is pronounced the most wonderful work ever published. So true is this that many millions of Germans and others of German education never undertake any important step in life relating to finance, exchange, or health without seeking from its pages advice and guidance. The magic of the Israelites is fully explained such as second sight, healing the sick, spiritual and sensual affection, divine inspiration, mesmeric clairvoyance, etc. The engravings of signs in this work are exact copies of the Israelites' and Egyptians' to accom- plish the designs for good or evil, and are separately explained. This book has become enormously popular. Beware of humbugs. Vols. 1 and 2 bound together in one volume. Price reduced to $ 1 .OO per copy, or 3 copies for $2.OO. U. S. postage stamps taken same as cash ADDRESS ALL ORDERS TO HENRY J. WEHMAN, Publisher, 1 08 Park Row, Hew York Popular Books. Sent post-paid at the Prices Marked De Witt's Superior School Dialogues. As the title suggests, so the contents of this book. Containing carefully selected pieces for school, academy and exhibition use. Its salient features are quality, quantity and small price. Sent by mall, post-paid, on receipt of 1 Cents. U. 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It teaches all the "tricks of the trade," and fur- nishes a full budget of good things "to set the house in a roar." (54 pp. Sent by mail, aid. on receipt of 15 Cieiitw. Rue U/iliiomc' Vfnrlil nf UiiiMAr A collection of humorous stories, bus n imams norm 01 numor. queer anecdotes, Dutch and insh drolleries, jolly jokes and bright sayings. Compiled by that prince of humorists, Grs WILLIAMS. 128pp. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 25 Cents. Pat Rooney's Quaint Conundrums and Funny Gags. wit and humor, Chinese sketches, humorous anecdotes, and mirth-provoking stor- A capital book for end men in minstrel entertainments. 100 pp. Sent by mail, aid. on receipt of 25 Cent*. Da Witt'o I accnnc in I nwo From the time that Ovid wrote his "Art of U6 H IlIS LeSSOnS m UOVCi L oye" to the present day. love-making has never ceased to play a most important part in literature. In this book are given kindly hints, practical advice, and the best thoughts of the greatest authors upon this subject, both in prose and verse. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 25 Cents. Wehman's Fun in Black; or, Sketches of Minstrel Life. By < 'MAS. H. DAY. With the "Origin of Minstrelsy." by Col. T. ALSTON BROXVV. giving History of Ethiopian Minstrelsy from iT'.t'.i. Singular scenes before the footlights, amusing anecdotes, etc. sixty exceedingly funny pictures add greatly to the humor- ous text. 100 pp. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 25 Cents. Wehman's Burnt Cork ; or, The Amateur Minstrel. S, end men's jokes, conundrums, recitations, farces, finales for "first part/ 1 and a full description of everything necessary to arrange a minstrel entertainment. A t valuable companion and guide to the young amateur. By FRANK; DCMONT. the ;lt of the Ethiopian drama. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 25 Cents. Wehman's Errors in Speaking and Writing Corrected. , V, '.''"]', ","/i 1 ;. >k of the kind, containing many examples of < ig'if and w When I saw sweet Nellie home 37 Sweet spirit, hear my prayer 38 Last rose of summer 45 'Poor old slave 48 Take this letter to my mother 56 Little old log cabin in the lane 58 Marching through Georgia 65 Minstrel boy 67 Star-spangled banner 72 Faded coat of blue 73 Hold the fo< t 74 Slavery days 77 My old Kentucky home, good-night 80 Sword of Bunker Hill 83 Good Rhine wine R5 You've been a friend to me 86 Listen to the mocking bird 8Vt Silver threads among the gold 90 Little Robin, tell Kitty I'm coming 93 Her bright smile haunts me still 95 Gipsy's warning 98 Swinging in the lane 104 Girl Ileft behind me 107 Carry me back to old Virginny 109 Kitty Wells 154 Nearer, my God, to Thee 155 Good news from home 157 Shells of ocean 15S Massa's in the cold, cold ground 172 Tenting on tne old camp ground 183 Twenty years ago 187 Woodman, spare that tree 207 Bells of Shandon 230 Annie Laurie 222 Sherman's march to the sea 235 Now I lay me down to sleep 243 Oil, dem 'golden slippers 244 In the morning by the brignt light 250 Rock me to sleep, mother 252 Darling Nelly Gray 256 Ben Bolt 268 Hail, Columbia 275 I've only been down to the club 281 Our good ship sails to-night 283 Come home, father 284 Little Maggie May 288 Sallie in our alley 312 Red, white and blue 313 Old oaken bucket a32 Lamentation of Johnny Reel 339 Battle cry of freedom 359 Old and only in the way 369 Soldier's farewell 372 My dear Savannah home 384 American boy 394 Tell me where my Eva's gone 477 In de evening by de moonlight v. 497 Old dog Tray 498 Juanita 502 Marseilles hymn 503 God save the Queen 506 Cheer, boys, cheer 507 Dixie's land 510 Watch on the Rhine 516 We won't go home till morning 543 Pop goes the weasel 546 Wait for the wagon 557 Be home early to-night, my dear boy 643 Farmer's boy 655 Some day [lelu jah 659 John Brown song (Glory, glory lial- 660 Tramp, tramp, tramp, the boys are 6G4 Bring back my bonnie tome fmarch- 667 Hard times come again no more [ing 672 Blue bells of Scotland 677 Just before the battle, mother 691 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl 791 Kiss me. mother, ere I die 795 Who will care for mother now 871 Nellie was a lady 889 When Johnny comes marching home 936 Lips that touch liquor shall ne\ 968 Yankee Doodle .ich mine 937 Wrap the flag around me, boys 1234 Good-night, ladies 1237 Flag of the Free 1305 Columbus 1434 The church across the way We will send IO of the above Songs, your selection, for IO cts. 3O for 25 cts.; 5O for 4O cts.; IOO for 75 cts. IRJ we will not send less than IO of these Songs by mail. B -,u to order Songs by their numbers only. Complete Catalogue t< all our Songs sent free on application. ADDRESS ALL ORDERS TO HENRY J. WEHMAN, Publisher, 108 Park Row, NEW YORCi >++++++< I