THE HOOT OF THE OWL THE HOOT OF THE OWL BY H. H. BEHR, M. D. SAN FRANCISCO A. M. ROBERTSON 1904 COPYRIGHT, 1904 BY A. M. ROBERTSON THE MURDOCK PRESS THIS LITTLE BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND DR. GEORGE CHISMORE CONTENTS. PAGE ADDRESS IN RESPONSE TO THE INTRO- DUCTION AT THE BOHEMIAN CLUB . 9 VIRTUE ...... IJ ARCHEOLOGY . . . . 1 7 POPULAR SCIENCE .... 25 PROGRESS IN SCIENCE . . . . 29 MUSIC 33 CALIFORNIA . . . . . 37 THE SKELETON IN ARMOR . . 4! DARWINISM ...... 47 THE MOSQUITO ..... 53 ON MEDICINE . . . . . 6l HEROIC DEEDS OF OLD BOHEMIA . 65 THE SHOWMAN . . . . 73 LAST JINKS ON SACRAMENTO STREET . 77 ON DREAMS . . . . . . 8 1 SCHILLER AND GOETHE AS BOHEMIANS 85 6 CONTENTS. THE YEAR'S PROGRESS . . . .89 SOME REMARKS ON THE SECRET RELA- TIONS BETWEEN CHEMISTRY AND POLIT- ICAL ECONOMY .... 95 ETHNOLOGY ...... IOI ON COMMERCE ..... IOy PREHISTORIC RELICS . . . .Ill IRISH HISTORY . . . . . I IJ BOTANY . . . . . .119 THE AGE OF IRON . . . .125 ANCIENT BOHEMIANS . . . .129 ON TEMPERANCE .... 135 A NEW PHILOSOPHICAL INSTRUMENT . 141 EDUCATIONAL METHODS . . . 145 IMMORAL PHILOSOPHY . . . I S I THE BACHELOR . . . . .157 LOVE . . . . . . .l6l THANKSGIVING DAY .... 169 ON TRUTH . . . . . .173 LETTER FROM THE BEAR WHO SWAM ACROSS THE GOLDEN GATE AND LAND- ED AT THE PRESIDIO . . . 179 CONTENTS. 7 THE MICROSCOPE . . . . .185 IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET . 19! THE CHRISTMAS-TREE . . . -195 YULE ...... 199 IDEAL BOHEMIA ..... 205 ON EVOLUTION . . . . . 211 ON GERMS . . . . ' . 215 ADDRESS TO THE MAYOR . . . 219 ON FISHES ...... 221 ON BUTTERFLIES .... 225 ADDRESS IN RESPONSE TO THE INTRODUCTION AT THE BOHEMIAN CLUB. WORSHIPFUL SIRE: I stand here as the representative of the German Pfeifen Club, and have to correct a slight error that in- troduced itself into the address delivered by your Worship. It is not to announce the subjugation of the Pfeifen Club that I appear before you. I am not a hostage; I am an ambassador of a kindred organiza- tion. The object of our institutions is the same; our organizations follow a parallel course. The object of both is charity. Not that charity which sends ice-cream to the Greenlanders and skates to the people on the sources of old Nile; no, true charity begins at home. And where are we more at home than inside our own stomachs? 10 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. It is, therefore, a most wonderful coinci- dence that both organizations, the Bohe- mian as well as the Pfeifen Club, struck the same idea of international charity. Both found the solution of the social question in an alcoholic solution. The solution tendered to me by your Worship smells very nice, and I pledge myself in it to my Bohemian friends. I address you in the name of our vener- able bird, and thus he speaks to you through my unworthy mouth: "My Sons : I am pleased to see the ven- eration that you have shown to me on so many occasions. Since the day that my patron, Minerva, was born out of the head of Jupiter, which circumstance forever will be the only case of cerebral pregnancy, I always had a longing for mental enjoyment, and I thank you, my sons, for all the exer- cises in art, literature, pedro, seven-up, and other sciences which I have witnessed in the old club-rooms. I also thank you for all the rats, mice, seagulls, neck-pieces of beef, THE HOOT OF THE OWL. II and all the other delicacies of which, on my behalf, you have deprived yourselves so un- selfishly. I also thank you for the good taste you have shown in choosing the noc- turnal hours for your celebrations, for I hate matinees. I am a bird of prey of the sub-family Nocturna, that differ from the vultures by the strength of their claws, from the eagles and hawks by the compara- tive weakness of their bills. But if my bill is weak, I nevertheless respect large bills and admire the courage that meets them. Owing to the weakness of my bill, I am a bird of few words; as the immortal poet Bromley sings: u c There was an owl that lived in an oak, The more he heard the less he spoke, The less he spoke the more he heard. Oh, let us be like this wise bird/ " But I keep my watchful eye on you every night; in daytime better look out for yourselves. Like a Haruspex of old, I have examined with prophetic eye all the neck- bones of beef which you have sacrificed to 12 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. me, and I see before you a bright sphere of success and progress. " Being a bird of prey, I have prayed for you all the time, and I will do so now in the words of Sanctus Cremonius: 'May the Lord love you and not call for you too soon.' VIRTUE. SOCRATES used to say that everybody was eloquent enough on those matters which he understood thoroughly. Now, that's ex- actly my case in regard to virtue. There is no object in this wide world with which I am so intimately connected as with virtue. " Be virtuous and you will be happy." You have all frequently listened to this admo- nition, but I suspect there are very few among those present that have subjected this axiom to a practical trial. I have, and I am here to give you the benefit of my experience. In my peculiar case, the admonition to be virtuous and happy came from an aunt of mine. But as this contemplation will oc- cupy several hours, I consider it proper to divide the matter and look at the subject of 14 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. our contemplation under three different heads : First My aunt. Second My own experience. Third and final Conclusions drawn from my aunt and good advice given by myself. My aunt was an elderly lady, not exactly prepossessing in her exterior, but shocking- ly virtuous and as unmarried as possible. Her favorite beverage was tea of valerian with a stick in it of sulphuric ether. She wore green spectacles, always felt miserable and respectable, and between asafoetida and valerian led a most unhappy life. Her only occupation was virtue. In her leisure hours she made a most interesting collection of medicine-bottles and pill-boxes, of all shapes and sizes. So she used to sit near the peace- ful slope of her favorite pill-box, looking through her green spectacles at humanity as it passed her window, and talked virtue and gossip. It took considerable time be- fore I could separate the idea of virtue from THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 15 that of green glasses, or distinguish the odor of sanctity and the smell of a drug-store; but when I finally succeeded in doing so, I made up my mind to give virtue a fair shake. Gentlemen, I have practiced several vir- tues, moderately, of course, for I always was of temperate habits, but somehow or other during the whole time of my experi- ments I felt dejected and miserable, and the happiest moment of my life was when I dropped virtue altogether. Virtue is a swindle. I have seen people ruined by one single virtue. How would they have fared then had they possessed two, three, or more. On the other hand, I have a friend, a dear friend, who is in possession of a complete and well-arranged collection of all those vices that possibly can be prac- ticed in this sublunary world, and he is happy, he is successful, he is at peace with himself and with the whole world. It is true I know there are instances where peo- ple have been ruined by vice; but in such 1 6 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. cases you will observe they always have been ruined by one vice, never by several at the same time ; and so it is evident that they were not ruined by that one vice, but by the absence of all others. Alas! vice is no more what it was when I was young. Vice is growing monotonous; there is not enough variety in it, and it is a most melancholy fact that since Sir Walter Raleigh introduced tobacco no new vice has been invented. The inventor of a new one would be a benefactor to humanity. Now, here is an object worthy of the accu- mulated energies of the Bohemian congre- gation. Let us invent some new vice, and coming generations will bless our memory. ARCHEOLOGY. WHEN I received the order of our most gracious Sire to appear before him at the Christmas High Jinks and report on the progress made in the Archaeological Sec- tion of the organization, I began imme- diately my investigations by borrowing books from all libraries that had not yet had any sad experiences in my direction. The message of our most gracious Sire met me at 5 P. M., at the exact moment when my thirst for knowledge transforms itself into a thirst for something else, and I felt highly honored, but at the same time at a loss how to respond to a confidence placed in me on such an important and serious matter. Modern history of the Bohemian Club is comparatively well known. The cele- brated historians, Tommy Newcomb and 1 8 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. Colonel Cremony, the Baron Miinchhausen of the western hemisphere, have preserved for posterity the events which led to the formation of the present shape of this learned and moral organization. To be better understood, when I have to dive into the dark mysteries of post-tertiary times and previous geological periods, I am to repeat here the statements of Tommy and his friend Colonel Cremony, both of them such enthusiastic lovers of truth that they kept all of it to themselves. You will recollect that the organization of this ancient order had originally the ob- ject to protect the genius of the reporter against the want of appreciation by an un- enlightened public, as well as the narrow- minded and merely mercenary views of the newspaper-owners. Originally of a strictly literary character, the club soon extended its welcome to sculptors and painters, be- cause they strive in the same line they rep- resent things which are no realities, exactly as our newspapers palm off novelties which THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 19 are no facts and facts which are no novel- ties. Then the welcome was extended for exactly the same reason to lawyers and later to musicians, as the transitory character of their productions cannot inflict any serious harm. Finally some Front-Street mil- lionaires obtained admission by carefully concealing the real amount of their for- tunes. It is a well-established historical fact that the Spartan hero Leonidas, by George Bromley persistently mistaken for General Barnes, was a prominent member of the organization. Less known it is that the greatest physician of antiquity Hippoc- rates belonged to it. The order always had a great power of attraction for medical men. It was during the last years of the reign of Philip of Macedonia, when the medical profession was suffering from an intensely healthy year; in fact, it was an epidemic of health. The professors of the Polyclinics of Stagira were suffering from starvation. They had grown so thin and 20 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. diminished in circumference that they could no more fill their chairs. Hippoc- rates awoke to the emergency. He saw it was impossible to reproduce the necessary rotundity to fill a medical chair by mere demonstrations a posteriori, so he started a new medical system, chiefly founded on fees, and therefore called the physiological system. He laid great stress on physiology, and wound up every lecture with the admo- nition, "Be very particular about fees"; and then he grew excited, stamped his feet, and swore an oath, which ever since has been called "the Hippocratic oath," and which each of the medical fraternity, even our most gracious Sire, has been compelled to swear. This oath gives us power over the life and death of our fellow-citizens. It was towards the end of the Lias forma- tion when the citizens of San Francisco handed in a petition to the Legislature, meeting just then at Sacramento, for a vol- cano. They argued that if an effete mon- archy like Italy can raise two volcanoes, THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 21 this free community of loyal, hard-drinking taxpayers is at least entitled to one. Black- stone, who was then a member of the Legis- lature, said the point was well taken. A committee was appointed, an appropriation raised, and Telegraph Hill selected as a center for the newly created forces. Un- fortunately, the head engineer, who very appropriately had been selected from amongst the most practical sailors of the Life-Saving Station, had economized with the material so that locally he only pro- duced an eruption of the skin; but the mis- calculated forces caused the Second-Street cut and a long series of earthquakes, which interfered greatly with the stability of the California coast line. It is not quite cer- tain whether it was Divine Providence or our Board of Supervisors that restored the stability of our coast line by placing the powerful Captain Kenzel on it, whose soothing influence quieted the disturbed nervous system of Mother Earth and kept it in its position ever since. However, the 22 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. powerful Captain would not have suc- ceeded if he had not found assistance in a Board of Health whose weight and physi- cal proportions had grown to an extent that they spoiled a North-Pole expedition, none of the scientific staff of the expedition being able to pass through the Behring Straits. The disturbance of the post-tertiary era finally was kept down by our Geological Survey; a few ice-cream saloons on Kearny Street being the only remainder of the gla- cial period; but revolutionary tendencies crept into society because society had wit- nessed so many violent geological disturb- ances and was infected by the bad example set by Nature herself. This circumstance was the cause that the powers of our public officers had to be extended, and was the first step to the development of the present des- potic government of the Bohemian Club, which, although benevolent, is very power- ful. Our present Sire, for the sake of his phys- ical and moral beauty, occupied this post THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 23 of honor once before; so he is not only his own successor, but also his own ancestor. By this circumstance he becomes a self- made man, and as such is the first instance of a self-made man in the ancient dynasty that rules the Bohemian Club. POPULAR SCIENCE. IT is one of the greatest blessings of this century that science has become popular- ized. In bygone ages science was the monopoly of a caste. The most important discoveries were kept secret, and, as a nat- ural consequence of such egotism, the pro- gress of the human race was retarded. Champollion, the celebrated scholar of Egyptian antiquity, has established be- yond any doubt the fact that the ancient Egyptians knew the corkscrew. The hiero- glyphic sign heretofore believed to rep- resent a snake is in fact the hieratic representation of a corkscrew slightly out of shape. But the discovery of this im- portant instrument was never made publicly known, notwithstanding the extensive use 26 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. of it at the celebration of their religious mysteries. When the Caliph Omar, who was a fan- atical W. C. T. U. man, destroyed the library of Alexandria with all its spiritual treasures, the key to all the spiritual com- fort was lost with them. Centuries have gone by and a great amount of valuable time has been lost in the effort to open bottles unscientifically by mere brute force. The great Euclides, when studying the qualities of the spiral line, did not strike the idea of the corkscrew, and it was not until the time that French enterprise perforated the Isthmus of Suez that the corkscrew of the ancients was rediscovered. There they found the venerable antiquity at a depth of two hundred and seventy-five feet below the bottom of the Red Sea, in a shaft perforating the metamorphic formations of the surface, on a stratum of brown cake laterally compressed and evidently of vol- canic origin. The implement bore an inscription in THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 2J hieroglyphics, of which I here give the English translation : To MOSES, City and County Assessor of Egypt. Dear Baron: We, Pharaoh I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt, send you this decoration as a Christmas-box and a token of our Royal Grace. Egypt, 26th December, in the year before Our Lord 1500. From this moment began a new era in the history of man. Discovery followed dis- covery. Steam-power, the telegraph, the telephone, and the great Dr. Pinchipinchi's celebrated flea-powder were discovered in rapid succession, and are at present the in- alienable property of the human race. For all these benefits, of course, we are indebted to our learned organizations, the Micro- scopic Society, Bohemian Club, Academy of Sciences, the Society to Promote Cruelty of Insects to Man, but at the same time to public lecturers, like Artemus Ward, who expound science to the many and combine 28 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. the utile cum dulci scientific abstraction with the sweet strains of the hand-organ. New disciplines of science will crop out of such combinations. We have already now forensic medicine, the compound of medi- cine and law, but we will soon have surgi- cal music, obstetrical aesthetics, gynaecolog- ical astronomy, and other new disciplines which will prove a benefit to the human race and consternation to the schoolma'ams. But the consternation of schoolma'ams is not the sole object of modern science, whose concentrated spirit can be absorbed only by the chosen few; science has to be diluted and sweetened by music in the same fair proportions as other mixed drinks, and is then called "science toddy." PROGRESS IN SCIENCE. I AM sorry, but I am unprepared. For- tunately, I have in my pocket a paper which I intended to read before our Acad- emy of Sciences. As the evening is rather advanced, perhaps you will be kind enough not to know the difference. The paper is on the progress that has been made last year in the sciences. The progress of unprofitable science and useless investigation has been unusually rapid, so that it is impossible to enumerate all the benefits which the human race has received by the untiring efforts of devoted scientists. Let us begin with the heavens Astron- omy. A great astronomer has discovered in the rings of Saturn an inscription which in a careful translation reads: "Commit no nuisance"; from which inscription the 30 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. learned professor justly concludes that the population of the remote region has arrived at a state of civilization analogous to our own. In zoology the distinguishing character- istics between the green turtle, the mock turtle, and the mocking-bird have been so well established that henceforth the mis- take of putting a green turtle in a cage and expecting him to sing will not happen any more. In regard to eulogies and necrologies for dead scientists, a marked improvement has been established. These eulogies are now- adays written during the lifetime of the dead scientist and the composition is super- intended by himself. This circumstance will serve as another proof of the immor- tality of the soul, because the most con- firmed infidel will say to himself: "If that fellow is made immortal during his life- time, why shall I not be so after my death?" You all know that moral philosophy is my specialty, but it is only a short time ago THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 31 that the real utility of lectures on moral philosophy has been established. It is my own discovery that lectures of this kind produce water; of course, not of a superior quality, but good enough for irrigation. Vegetation in its perverted taste and fanati- cal rejection of fermented liquors does not deserve any better fluid; and so, my dear brethren, let us be thankful that we, accord- ing to our principle of strict intemperance, do not depend on irrigation by moral phil- osophy. MUSIC. WE have been touched frequently to our very hearts in these rooms by the musical performances of our musical brethren. Fre- quently, roused by the strains of music, the tears have rushed to our eyes. Do you think that heaven, which is so far above, is less sensitive to the charm than we poor mor- tals? Of course, the quiet quartet of the amateurs or the soprano in the boudoir cannot much influence our California sky. This influence begins with the solitary flute accompanying the heartrending wails of a rat terrier addressing the moon; it gains power with the performance of the wild Italian organgrinder, and attains its maxi- mum with the brass band that leads the bold militia warrior to glory and the destruction of sandwiches and whisky. 34 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. I recollect a body of heroes wearing rain- bows instead of regimentals and having painted on their knapsacks the head of a tiger in an attitude as if his teeth were in- spected by a dentist. By the first notes of their brass band the azure of our California sky turned into a delicate apple-green, and it began to rain. Half an hour later we received a telegram that Sacramento was under water. Another deluge and the destruction of the world was prevented by stopping the music. You may call that a coincidence, but in this wide world there is not room for a single coincidence ; everything is immutable law, the whole universe a network of cause and effect. You may sing and say we met by chance, but in reality we did not meet by chance, but compelled by the Darwinian law of natural selection. The spheroid shape of this planet is the cause that we wear off our boots on one side, by frequently walking too much in one direction. Why are the days longer in summer than in THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 3$ winter? It is the consequence of the caloric law; they are expanded by the heat in sum- mer and contracted by the cold in winter. I had a friend, a dear friend in Australia, who never could go shooting without being caught in a thunderstorm. The Australian Legislature, ever attentive to the agricultu- ral interests of the country, appointed him Inspector of Thunderstorms. Five months afterwards he was killed by lightning. Why have we not a similar institution? It would be a blessing for this country if every five months a legislator was killed by lightning, like that old Roman king and legislator, Numa Pompilius, who must not be mis- taken for Paul Neumann, whom I have known as a legislator, but who is no king, and, I am happy to say, is not yet killed by lightning. CALIFORNIA. I DIVIDE the existence of California into two periods: the first, before the foundation of the Bohemian Club, has to be considered as prehistoric. Even this period is distin- guished by a very peculiar character, grad- ually changing to three different stages or grades, which I am to illustrate by three different experiences. I was but a few days in San Francisco when a rough-looking individual a Texas Ranger, as I afterwards heard laid his hand on my shoulder, with the words, " Old horse, take a drink?" I had presence of mind enough to take the drink, and had afterwards several opportunities to get even with the gentleman in taking drinks as well as in calling him "old horse." The second experience was on the day 38 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. when the Territory of California was ad- mitted as a State. A procession was formed, in which I participated at the side of a gentleman to whom I was not introduced. Silently we walked on, influenced and ab- sorbed by the significance of the historical moment, when my companion abruptly re- marked: "It's a long time that I have not seen you." I was astonished and answered : "I never saw you all my lifetime." "And is not that long enough?" retorted my com- panion in the most mellifluous accents of green Erin. That day we got very much acquainted. The third experience was in the rooms of the Vigilance Committee, where we dis- cussed the case of Mr. Stuart. The meeting was addressed by Jim Dows, and I recollect distinctly the words : "Gentlemen, to hang a man is a temporary and transitory matter, but the principles which we represent here are eternal." After these experiences I considered my- self sufficiently acclimatized. I became a THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 39 citizen and fervent admirer of Squibob, whose untimely end I have regretted for years, until, being introduced into the Bo- hemian Club by Mr. Bowman and Tommy Newcomb, I discovered the place where Squibob's ghost is still walking. My Bohemian friends, the fight for exist- ence has not always been to me an easy matter. We all have had times when care for material things overpowered us, when we became disgusted by unprovoked jeal- ousies. When those cares of the outer mate- rial world became discouraging I withdrew to ideal Bohemia. But Bohemia was not only to me an asylum against material cares ; it was also a shrine consecrated to literature, from where new vistas opened into the realms of the bold, original American humor, so well represented inside these walls, and outside by men like Mark Twain, Bill Nye, and many others of world-wide fame. I received here new conceptions of many things; and if I count a few triumphs in literature, I owe them to Bohemian conver- 40 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. sations, to ideas which I imbibed (with other things) in the halls of this institution. THE SKELETON IN ARMOR. I ALWAYS was touched to my very heart by the beautiful lines written by Longfel- low on " The Skeleton in Armor." I felt a burning desire to know more about the skeleton. I began to study the Iceland Ed- das, the Saemundur, and the Snorri Sturle- son Edda, the most ancient numbers of the Jolly Giant, and other reliable documents of history. In the course of this reading I succeeded in diverting the subject from all romance and establishing the following his- torical facts. Many thousand years ago, when the giant elk was not fossil, but trod in flesh and blood the mossy bogs of ancient Ire- land, when the mastodon and the rhinoceros tichorrhinus roamed through the majestic primeval forests of sauerkraut that then 42 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. covered all northern Europe, there, on a beautiful site, embellished by a meridian cutting the coast line of the Baltic, lived a pious knight named Hans Meyer. Like all the knights of the period, Hans Meyer was in love, and, according to the enthusiastic custom of the country, killed off all the dear relations of his lady love. By an unaccount- able neglect he omitted to kill his mother- in-law, and this proved to be the beginning of a long series of misfortunes. The Baltic hero grew restless. He wanted to travel far away from his home into distant climes where there were no mothers-in-law. He wanted to emigrate and settle in the East Indies, where a wise law ordered widows to be burned, and deci- mated in this judicious way the contingent of elderly ladies. The simple-minded but thoughtful hero foresaw that he might go around the Cape of Good Hope, or cross the Isthmus of Suez with the India mail. Either way he would most necessarily want funds. To obtain them, he imitated the THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 43 signatures of wealthy fellow-citizens. But as this style of calligraphics was not consid- ered lawful, he was sentenced to prison for life; that is, according to the rules of the mild patriarchal government of the region, he was allowed for several months inside of a penitentiary, to study the charmingly adapted architecture of the place, and then was put on board of a vessel bound for America, under the conditions never to return and to adopt the name of Pilgrim Father. It was then the custom that no foreigner whatever was admitted on American soil without his accepting an office. No sooner heard the first of the Mohicans, who was then the President of the United States, of the arrival of another cargo of distinguished foreigners, than he asked the favor of a private interview with Hans Meyer. Hans Meyer found the first of the Mohicans bus- ily employed smoking his calumet filled with Amiga s prim era calidad, calle de Obispo. 44 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. "Hans Meyer," said the first of the Mo- hicans, "glad to make your acquaintance. You see, this government is a philanthropic experiment. We want to make everybody fit to fill every office, and for that reason we appoint for each office the man who is least adapted, for his mind and capacities are most in need of being developed in that very direction. There is, viz., Flanagan, a mild Celt and an enthusiastic admirer of law and order. We make him Chief of Police. There is the tribe Levy, with its time- honored reputation for honesty. We never elect a City and County Assessor but his Christian name is Levy. In former times we used to fill the office of Coroner by some undertaker, but since we discovered that these people really understand something about that business we take a doctor. Now, my friend, the circumstance of your being an unsophisticated Northern barbarian without any education would admirably adapt you for the office of Superintendent of Public Education; but some fellow pas- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 45 sengers of yours have stated that you know some Latin; that, of course, disqualifies you forever. Now, I will tell you what I can do. I will create a new office for your sake and make you Inspector of Mothers-in-law." Hearing this, Hans Meyer grew pale, went to the next blacksmith and ordered a dress coat, borrowed from a tinman a stove- pipe and a pair of gloves, took a drink, and had a building erected on the same thought- ful style of architecture that he had studied during his stay at the Baltic penitentiary, and disappeared from the sight of man. After some weeks his friends entered the house and found Hans Meyer stark dead, in full armor, leaning against a corner. Some said he died by an abscess of the liver, others by brandy and water on the brain. Some contended that during his sleep rattle- snakes crept into his boots. The Coroner pronounced it a womb complaint, called af- fection of the mother-in-law. His friends passed eleven resolutions, be- ginning with, "Whereas, it has pleased Di- 46 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. vine Providence in its inscrutable wisdom," and the jury gave the verdict: "Killed by the inscrutable wisdom of Providence." DARWINISM. ON a former occasion our most gracious Sire has proved the descent of the human race from above; he has defeated the pre- vailing notion of our descent from the mon- key, a theory which found its chief support in the homoeopathic maxim, Simla simili- bus. He has proved, not only theoretically, but also practically, with imminent peril of his life, the descent from the balloon. One day when I was in these rooms, at an early hour, when all good Bohemians were embraced by the arms of Morpheus or were embracing somebody else, I was wrapt in a brown study about Darwinism. My state of mind was caused by a conversation with our brother Harry Edwards on a pre- vious day, which resulted in a slight head- ache. I was absorbed in the contemplation 48 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. of some luminous phenomena and black dots before my eyes, spectral illusions, to which I am much subjected on lonely mornings, and which, perhaps, are the ghosts of the insects killed by me in the early days of California, when suddenly my attention was attracted to the cage of our sacred bird, the Owl. This at least was no spectral illusion ; there was a letter directed to me, the same which I hold here in my hand. I think I can excuse the indiscretion of divulging the communication made to me by the Owl, be- cause it seemed to me as if the father wishes its publication. It is as follows: "SAN FRANCISCO, Dec. 29, 1874. "DEAR SIR: "Before I addressed these lines to you I hesitated to choose between you and Rev. Bromley, whose nocturnal habits and per- sonal appearance are so much like my own ; but, remembering the great consideration which you always have shown me by showing homage to me in entering and THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 49 leaving the room, I consider you the most worthy for the reception of my confidence in regard to my ideas on Darwinism. "Before entering into particulars, I must state that Darwin's idea of progressive de- velopment is entirely wrong. This world has proved a failure from its very begin- ning. The tops of the mountains are washed down and fill the lakes and seas, causing trouble and confusion on all sides. The sewerage of the planet is bad every- where, and the whole universe a system of blunders, a consolidated mass, the product of a long series of incompetent engineering of antediluvian Superintendents of Streets. The grade has been so continuously changed that you cannot find an alpine height with- out oyster-shells, sardine-boxes, and other marine productions, which prove the local- ity to have been originally the bottom of the sea; on the other hand, what is now the bottom of the sea is covered by a post- tertiary stratum of umbrellas, peanut-shells, and broken bottles, a proof of its having 50 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. been but a short time ago a popular picnic- ground for Sunday excursions. These changes of grade took place chiefly to get a job for the numerous street contractors, by whom, at that period, this planet was mainly inhabited. The constant rotation of the planetary system prevented all investi- gation, and it was impossible to locate the blunders and mistakes and make individ- uals responsible, as everybody promptly blamed his predecessor. Mr. Post-tertiary blamed Mr. Jurassic; Mr. Jurassic, Mr. Lias; Mr. Lias says it is the fault of Mr. Eocene; Mr. Eocene says it is the fault of Sabbath-breaking and a bad kind of whisky. "One of the most striking failures in cre- ation is man, who is nearly as mean as a deadly enemy of my race, the crow, who persists in persecuting me whenever I ap- pear in daylight, and flies at me and calls me names. Just so mankind. Like the crow, he uses unfair means and has obtained by them a position for which nature has never intended him. He is an usurper, a THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 51 pretender. The idea of his innate supe- riority is quite ridiculous. Look at his jaws. How insignificant they are compared to those of the sea-lion. He has no claws, he has no bill, and when he gets a bill he leaves it unsettled. "The only instance of a progressive being on this planet is the owl. "The human race is fast degenerating. Look at the descendant of a Northern sea- king selling liquor as an Angular Saxon at a corner grocery. Look at the descendants of Milesian kings drinking it on credit. "The cultus of the ancient Aztec, with its impressive ceremonies of human sacrifices, has degenerated into the early piety of the Young Men's Christian Association. Com- pare the High Priest Huichtlipochtli, wielding in his right hand the sacred flint and in his left a bleeding, palpitating heart, to the Young Men Christian Deacon, with bald head, blue eye-glasses, a set of false teeth, and an umbrella instead of the sacri- ficial flint knife. 52 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. "As to natural selection, the idea is simply preposterous. It is true that we owls some- times select our own kind for food, but there ends the working of that principle. Is it natural that on the top of the dentist you always find a photographer, above the undertaker a dancing-school? Or, explain why all your friends are more or less given to drinking. "Yours truly, "THE OWL." THE MOSQUITO. MOST GRACIOUS SlRE: The letter with which you have honored me has been to me a source of great anxiety, in consequence of its most original style of calligraphics. Brother Bromley, who always has been my adviser in spiritual things, but whom I am also in the habit of consulting in important worldly matters, took your kind letter in his hands and, after having turned it from side to side, addressed me with the follow- ing words: "My young friend, this is a Chinese letter, and as Chinese is not written in lines, but in columns, you ought to have held it this way, and you easily would have found that it is a bill for washing and ironing. When I represented my country in Tien Tsin, I received every week a document of 54 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. similar character; in fact, it was the only official correspondence I indulged in dur- ing my stay at Tien Tsin. You see here Hong Kong Shanghai Peking Ironing Washington, and here in the corner is the receipt of the bill, 'You tarn fool,' which means, payment received, and is also the polite style by which foreigners are ad- dressed in Tien Tsin." This explanation did not satisfy me, so I interviewed Mr. Marshall, who has lent me several times valuable assistance in deciph- ering letters of Charley Stoddard and other Aztec hieroglyphs. "That lets me out," he said. "The only advice I can give you is, apply to Charley Stoddard; he is the highest authority in this style of calligraphics." I sent the letter to Charley and promptly received this answer: "Yes, I recognize my own handwriting; but you know very well that I cannot read any of my manuscripts older than twelve months." THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 55 Then I did show the letter to Dan O'Con- nell, who read to me fluently an advertise- ment of a professor to teach waltzing in three lessons. " Some unknown friend," he explained, "has heard about your affliction by gout and recommends you this new cure." Now I have tried the cure, took the three lessons, but, as you see, without the desired effect. Nevertheless, I am confident I would have been cured if I only had learned to waltz. Finally, thrown on my own re- sources, I succeeded in rinding out, 1. That the document was written in English; 2. That it referred to the High Jinks of the Bohemian Club; 3. That it referred to something else whose nature was doubtful. The some- thing read sometimes like dry goods, other times more like mosquitoes. The latter version appeared to me the more probable, being the more appropriate one for a student of entomology. Neverthe- 56 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. less, it appeared to me the safest plan to combine the two versions into one, and so, by joining the mosquito to dry goods, I ob- tained the mosquito bar, a liquid body, which I used to take in Sacramento before going to sleep. This substance, it is true, would not protect me against the sting of the mosquito; but, when taken in sufficient quantity, would prevent my feeling the stings in a similar way as Tommy New- comb cured temporarily a toothache. It was in the old rooms of the Club, where one evening he was suffering, complaining, and expressing his firm intention to get drunk. Now, if Tommy had taken that vow, I do not know a single instance of his not being true to his word; so he succeeded very well that night, and when I met him the follow- ing day at luncheon with a swollen face, I was afraid that the cure had not taken effect; but he assured me the remedy was infallible, and added: "The whole night I had the most excruciating toothache, but did n't feel it because I was drunk." THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 57 The mosquito (Tipula pipiens) belongs to the class of Diptera, which class easily can be distinguished from the rest of insects by its species having one pair of wings and three pairs of legs. Angels also have a pair of wings, but the mosquito has the advan- tage in the number of legs. Nevertheless, most people prefer an angel with a single pair of well-developed legs, even if the wings should be wanting, to all the six legs of the mosquito. Also, they prefer her kiss to the kiss of the mosquito. The jaws of the mosquito are so constructed that he cannot chew, only kiss. But he makes up for the weakness of his jaws by plenty of cheek. In his larval state he lives in the water and is strictly temperate. During his aquatic larval state he breathes atmospheric air by a pair of tubes at his anal end. This, of course, necessitates his coming at stated times to the surface of the water and sticking out his anal end with the respiring tubes and disrespect of surroundings, which 58 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. movement is very improper. But Nature sometimes is very improper, and I have fre- quently to blush for her. Now, this anal end is analogous to the lower end of the spinal column of our own species, which in our own larval state is used for educational purposes, but never for respiration; and, I am happy to say, is not ornamented with a pair of tubes sticking out as in the mos- quito larva, because these tubes would in- terfere with the present style of our dress, and would even prove a serious obstacle to our sitting down. The moment the mosquito emerges from its chrysalis in the water he does not touch water again. He spreads his wings and looks for a mate. He can as little compre- hend the associations of his larval state as we can comprehend the illusions of our first love. The male mosquito henceforth has for its only object to kiss the mosquita, but the mosquita in her turn is very liberal in her kisses. She kisses promiscuously; but, although having a pair of wings, her kisses THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 59 are not those of an angel, and she, there- fore, frequently comes to grief. The male mosquito only lives to kiss, but the female frequently dies for it. There is a peculiar propensity, a kind of suicidal mania, in the whole class of dipter- ous insects. The housefly, for instance, re- peats suicide so frequently that with her it becomes a habit. It is the prerogative of the fly to cultivate suicide as a vice. I once marked a fly by tying a knot in her left middle leg and found the same individual next morning drowning in my eye-opener, then in my coffee, then in my lunch cocktail, then in my appetizer. In my pousse cafe I saw two of her, and when I took my nightcap I did not pay any more attention to her. The mosquito does not commit suicide by drowning, because he hates water and is ashamed of his larval existence, breathing through anal tubes and feeding on animal- culae not belonging to him, but to another class; as some specimens of our own spe- 60 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. cies are ashamed of their juvenile depreda- tions in garden and fields, belonging, who cares to whom, and of the educational ac- tion of the rattan on the lower end of their spinal column. Now, if we compare the diet of mosquito larva and his mode of respiration to our own style of living this night, ought we not to be thankful? ON MEDICINE. THE science of medicine is the science which enables the student to pass his med- ical examination. The object of this sci- ence is to keep out of the dominion of the News Letter, and if this end has been obtained we call it the triumph of science. Medicine branches off into two disci- plines, which are called the old system and modern science. The followers of the latter call the followers of the first "old fogies"; the followers of the former call the adherers of modern science " young men." The oldest system was that of the Haruspices in ancient Rome. They exam- ined the bowels of oxen with the naked eye and predicted out of them what would hap- pen. Modern science examines the bowels of fools with the microscope and predicts 62 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. what has happened. Both disciplines agree on one point: they collect fees, or at least try to collect them. This is a very essential part of our science, and the discipline that treats about collecting fees is called physiology. There are many other branches of medi- cal science, but still there are not enough. We have forensic medicine, and our most gracious Sire has created a new science by proclaiming Dr. Leach doctor of surgical music. But we want a doctor of obstetrical aesthetics. There is a secret but intimate connection between these two apparently so different branches of human knowledge, and the connecting link is woman, or, as we scientists say, "female mankind." It is a fact already observed by the ancients that as soon as ladies approach a certain age they begin to develop in their meetings the most lively interest for medical matters and med- ical men. We medical men feel frequently the powerful influences exercised in their secret tribunals, called lunch parties, where THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 63 they make and unmake medical reputations. Now, we think it a delicate compliment, and well calculated to appease the wrath of the goddesses, by creating for their honor a new discipline, called "obstetrical aesthetics. " HEROIC DEEDS OF OLD BOHEMIA. MOST WORTHY SIRE: You will excuse my gray suit on an evening like this. I wear it partly because it agrees best with my complexion, which is also old and gray, and partly because it is appropriate to the remarks I have to make on bygone days gray antiquity and the heroic deeds of old Bohemia. These remarks are not entirely prehistoric; if they were, they would be out of time, instead of their being at present only out of place. I am myself a kind of Bohemian fossil, and there are moments in which I consider myself an honorary member of the Lias formation. I can sympathize with the plesiosaurus of the Ward collection, of which a specimen is kept at our Academy of Sciences, which the Creator himself 66 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. never had dared to imitate. But we will not enter on this night into the dark mysteries of a Bohemian Lias formation. Let us become post-tertiary and remember the an- cestral heroes that preceded the present gen- eration. There is, one of the first, the learned and energetic Caxton, alias Rhodes, the discov- erer of the gyascutus, the quadruped with a short fore-leg and a short hind-leg on the right side. This animal was especially created to run around a mountain-side in Oregon, sufficiently distant to escape imme- diate investigation. The more ancient Bohemians will recol- lect that this discovery led to an equally interesting discovery of a corresponding quadruped with a short fore-leg and a short hind-leg on the left side, and which by Di- vine Providence was destined to run around the same mountain from the other side. As these two animals proved to be of opposite sexes, this arrangement was evidently in- tended to introduce them to each other, and THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 67 is another proof of the benevolent although frequently frustrated intentions of Divine Providence. The discovery of the second animal does not belong to our Bohemian brother Caxton; we owe it to one of the appropriation scientists who occupies a po- sition in Berkeley and in the hearts of our grangers, and who wants only an initiative to run through a whole series of discove- ries. But our learned and ever-watchful brother Caxton, as many will recollect, saved on another occasion our country from a dire calamity. It was in the year A. D. 1868, when a party that had spent the even- ing at the Cliff House discovered the moon in the act of approaching the earth at a rate that, according to exact astronomical calculations, would have brought that ce- lestial body in sixteen days, eight hours, and thirty-five minutes in contact with the earth. As the clash would take place south of Market Street, and, as that part of the city had already previously suffered from 68 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. the Second-Street cut, real estate south of Market Street was falling rapidly. And it was not only the giant proportions of the approaching luminary increasing in mathe- matical proportion; nay, the member of the returning party even discovered a second moon, a satellite of our earth hitherto un- known to astronomers. The officers of the Barbary Coast Survey, it is true, had, by an algebraic formula perfectly known to themselves, succeeded in influencing the perigee in a way to make the moon fall on England; but our esteemed brother Caxton, with a penstroke and a little printer's ink, removed the whole danger. Some pretend that the moon, having spent all her finan- cial power in railroad tickets, was not able to reach England and had been precipitated into the Atlantic Ocean. This probably did happen to that second moon seen by the members of the Cliff House party, as this second moon is missing since that time. Now, imagine the disturbance of the moon suddenly arriving in this country with a THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 69 cargo of undesirable immigrants, not one of them with a letter of introduction to Frank Pixley! Thus the great Caxton saved the country; on another occasion he saved the planet. You must recollect that in the year A. D. 1865 a chemist had discovered a substance, otherwise useless, that would ignite the hydrogen of the ocean. Now, in itself a burning ocean would prove an assistance to the McKinley bill, and, by cutting off im- port, greatly favor home industry; but, unfortunately, the fire would communicate to rivers and wells, and thereby prevent bathing, cleaning of bottles, painting in water-colors, and prove a great distress to our Fish Commissioners. Our Bohemian brother Caxton, whose watchful eye had espied the danger in time, offered from his own pocket an amount of millions that would have astonished even a Californian, as well as a corner drug-store, to the chemist to desist from his diabolical plan to set fire to the ocean; and as this malevolent 70 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. chemist asked for more millions and two drug-stores, our brother Caxton threw him from the platform of a railroad-car passing Cape Horn, which feat he also executed by a small quantity of printer's ink. I am sorry to say that our Bohemian brother Caxton did not succeed in saving the unfortunate miner who drank the water contained in a geode and became petrified and fossilized in a time of twenty minutes. But his publication of the event has gone far to warn the public against that most in- sidious drink water. What shall I say in praise of the powerful McCracken Bungletoe, alias Tommy New- comb, who, in his great victory of mind over matter, left Mestayer under the table, and with one foot on the body of the slain warrior and the other in the spittoon, asked for another horn of whisky? Or the great Apache chief and ancient mariner, Rear- Admiral Cremony? But the latter has a worthy successor in nautical lore in the in- imitable Bromley, under whose flag I dared THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 71 to round Cape Horn so persistently that my head began to swim. In regard to tactics on a more or less dry land, we have General Barnes, who, as the Leonidas of the nineteenth century, fought in that terrible Amador war. Alas! we cannot deny that many of the old members are no more with us; some have paid their tribute to nature, some have reformed their morals. But that well- organized army of young Bohemia which I see before me is a guarantee that the future will be like the past, and that a bright time is in store for old Bohemia. THE SHOWMAN. Now is the time and the opportunity to see the great Mastodon! Walk in, gentlemen! Admission, the nominal amount of twenty-five cents! The bones of this fossil monster have been found at a depth of one hundred and twen- ty-five feet below the green sward of this beautiful earth. Now is the time and the opportunity! It stands twenty-five feet on its legs, is twenty-five feet long. It has been found under one hundred and twenty-five degrees of longitude, which gives to the animal the enormous length of one hundred and sev- enty-five feet. Now is the time ! This picture of the animal is taken after 74 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. a photograph by Bradley & Rulofson. As you see here, the animal fed exclusively on boa constrictors. Anybody that has con- ferred with Montgomery Queen on the price of boa constrictors will know the enormous price of such luxury. So the un- scrupulous wisdom of Divine Providence has endowed this beatiful creature with an unlimited capacity to live on credit. Now is the time ! Professor Huxley, in conjunction with the Alia California and other bodies of in- scrutable wisdom with whom we have been in communication, agrees that this animal has lived one hundred and twenty-five years before the Flood. That arrow-head that looks like a fragment of a broken whisky- bottle has been found near his left hind- leg, which circumstance proves that this animal had sufficient mental power to run away from its enemies, and proves at the same time that the San Francisco Society to Prevent Cruelty to Animals was not then in existence. One of the enormous tusks THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 75 has a filling, which circumstance proves the antiquity of dentistry. Now is the time ! Listen to the Mastodon! Now I am to lecture ! Recollect, gentlemen, now is the time! This giant skeleton has been sold to the British Museum for the moderate sum of one hundred and twenty-five thousand dol- lars, and here I am on the road to an inde- pendent fortune. Now, you will say, If that man is on the way to an independent fortune, why does he take all the trouble to lecture here every night by torchlight on the sidewalk, without any protection for his learned head but the canopy of heaven? Gentlemen, here I stand on the green soil of this beautiful State of California. I am proud to be a son of this free country and to enlighten my fellow-citizens on the sub- ject of antediluvian creation. Now is the time ! The youthful hope of the American fu- ture, only ten cents! LAST JINKS ON SACRAMENTO STREET. ILLUSTRIOUS SIRE: I congratulate you that on this festive occasion you preside over this enlightened Bohemian body. It was always considered a high honor to pre- side on Christmas night, when the strictest privacy protects the impressive rites and dark mysteries of Bohemia. But under the present circumstances, when we are pre- pared to emigrate from this sacred abode to the distant shores of Pine Street, to prepare a new home for the Pilgrim Fathers of Bohemia, you will not object when I com- pare you to the Mayflower. This night is the last night that the sacred rites of High Jinks are to be celebrated in these rooms. It is the first time that we celebrate the last High Jinks. May they turn out to be everlasting. 78 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. Your name, illustrious Sire, will be handed down to posterity and will turn out an eternal botheration to schoolma'ams when they pass their examination; and both of us, when, with the assistance of my medi- cal brethren, we have shed off this mortal clay, will form a constellation in the sky, called Major Ursus, or the Bromleyades. At this moment begins a new era in the history of man, an epoch that even reverses some laws of nature heretofore considered of universal power. Most illustrious Collega, you will recol- lect a private conversation once held in this sacred room when you justly remarked that we could pay our debts by mental powers. Colonel Hawes then said that Archimedes, a Syracusan philosopher, who received his name from the Archimedean screw, has established the law that the strongest man could not lift his own body, and that even our Collega Beverly Cole, when ship- wrecked, could not lift himself out of the ocean by his scalp-lock, but required a boat THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 79 to save his valuable life. You will recall that important discussion and will feel proud of this victory, which Tommy New- comb would call a victory of mind over matter. ON DREAMS. NIGHT-DREAMS are private property, they belong to the individual; but day- dreams are public property, and belong to the century, or a certain stage of social and scientific development. The day-dream one hundred years ago was the philosopher's stone and the transmutation of metals. It is a remarkable anachronism that in this en- lightened age the dream of the transmuta- tion of metals has been revived in Chile by Mr. Paraf, who persuaded the unsophisti- cated natives of that country to buy stock in an enterprise to transmute copper into silver. Now, we all know that gold and silver can be changed, but they cannot be transmuted. Silver, it is true, is a metal that dissolves readily in alcoholic fluids and pre- cipitates out of this solution on the tip of the 82 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. nose in the shape of copper; but this copper is the product of a vital, not a metallurgical, process. The dreams of our own age turn chiefly upon vital processes. There is another conundrum which we strive to solve, and that is the origin of organic life. We look no more for the transmutation of metals, but for the transmutation of plants or animals into other species; but the laws of our Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals have put a fine on Darwinian ex- periments. We even suppose ourselves the victim of some transmutative process from a rather doubtful ancestry, and some promi- nent members of the medical fraternity seek with great care and perseverance for a con- necting link wherewith to excuse their own personal appearance. But there exists no connecting link, for we are entirely distinct from all other types of creation by one fac- ulty that of smoking tobacco. The idea that the clouds are produced by the angels smoking tobacco is exploded ; it is in direct THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 83 opposition to the doctrines of modern sci- ence and the meteorological section of our Academy of Sciences. It was one of the day-dreams of our ancestors that organic life, and even the human species, could be produced by chem- ical processes. Goethe, in the second part of his "Faust," alludes to this day-dream when he introduces the homunculus, a human being that was the result of an al- chymistic process. At present there are many who believe that organic life may be produced by certain stages of fermentation. Fermentation is sin, even when the duty is paid, and Vinegar Bitters the only refresh- ment permitted to the faithful. The dis- ciples of the fermentation theory quote an experiment by which they produce fleas by moistening sawdust. I have tried the ex- periment, but could not raise anything, not even a self-made man, and only after many complicated processes I succeeded in raising a life-insurance agent and that only after having added to the sawdust an addled egg. 84 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. Now, my Bohemian brethren, you cannot derive much satisfaction from such results, and, I admonish you, if you want to produce organic life, follow the old, approved method founded on the Darwinian law of natural selection and mutual affection. SCHILLER AND GOETHE AS BOHEMIANS. THE first traces of Bohemian sympathies in Schiller we find in his dramatic play "Die Rauber," in a passage where one of those interesting highwaymen advises to withdraw to the Bohemian forests a deli- cate allusion to our midsummer celebration. In Schiller's later career we find two other and more celebrated plays localized in Bo- hemia, namely, "Wallenstein's Lager" and "Wallenstein's Death"; but Wallenstein's death was not caused by lager, as is erro- neously supposed by ignorant people. Schiller had a medical education, but prac- ticed medicine only for a very short time; in fact, he has killed considerably more peo- ple in his dramatical plays than by medical prescriptions. In this regard he is much my inferior, but he is a greater poet. In his 86 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. later years he was appointed Professor of History at the University of Jena. If he had remained faithful to the science of medicine, he might have become Professor of Hysterics at the Toland College, like our Bohemian brother, Professor Dr. Beverly Cole. Let us now investigate the Bohemian qualities of Goethe and his origin. Goethe's grandsire was a blacksmith, and, as our grand Sire is at present a Taylor, Goethe may consider himself our equal ; and so he was in reality, for when he studied law he joined an organization analogous to this. In his autobiography, headed "Truth and Fic- tion," he describes accurately the club and also the untimely end of this benevolent in- stitution : The club was not careful enough in selecting its members. They admitted so many respectable people that the club lost its bad reputation, and then they dissolved with such violence that some members re- mained dissolute ever after. Some people say that in his book "Werther's Leiden" THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 87 Goethe advocated suicide, but, after all, this advocation was not without reason. Sui- cide, when properly directed, could be made very useful, like the "hara kiri" of the Japanese. If, for instance, all the mem- bers of our next Legislature could be in- duced to commit "hara kiri" before enter- ing Sacramento, what a blessing it would be for this country! But as it is generally the wrong people who commit suicide, a careful government ought to warn them publicly by substituting for the antiquated advice, "Go to Hewston Hastings," the impressive words, "Commit no suicide." Goethe's most celebrated play is " Faust." Faust was a great conjurer who raised the devil and took a mortgage on his soui. The formula has since been tried by many people, but without any satisfactory result, for Old Iniquity did not appear; from which cir- cumstance one may infer how much in these dull times the value of souls has declined. So, my dear brethren, keep on the path of righteousness, for you will find in that other 88 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. place no improvement in business matters, but the same dull times as here. THE YEAR'S PROGRESS. MOST GRACIOUS SIRE AND DEARLY BE- LOVED BRETHREN: During the past year I have assiduously studied and diligently ob- served. When formerly the progress of morals was the object in which my energies concentrated, it is now progress in general. To this sole object I have sacrificed my whole time. I have lived like a hermit. I have withdrawn from society. I scarcely know the inside of a saloon or the outside of a bar, because I have steered my boat out of the wild breakers of the bar, where sirens sang to Ulysses, into the quiet port of peace- ful domestic intoxication. I am here to offer you the results of my observations regarding morals, science, art, and things in general. It is a well-known fact that moral phil- 90 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. osophy is the only science in which, since the time of Socrates, no discovery has been made. It has been reserved for my own in- vestigations to discover the important axiom that in a free country no citizen must be tyrannized by his own principles. In as- tronomy I have to record the recent discov- ery of an old split in one of the rings of Saturn. It is true this split was known be- fore and was called "Encke's division," or, according to the reporters of our news- papers, "Yankee division" ; but the discov- ery of its exact nature was reserved for our Bohemian astronomer, Colonel Hawes, who has spent many nights watching the rings of Saturn through different glasses, and even bottles. According to the statements of this eminent scientist, the split in the ring of Saturn cannot be mended and is beyond re- pair. The practical importance of this fact cannot be overrated, for it is more than probable that all other rings will follow the example of Saturn and split; and when all those rings that at present prevent progress THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 91 in science and art have split, what a bright future lies then before California! As to forest culture, we have to record a most important step. The committee has empowered a posse of intelligent school- ma'ams of both sexes to plant trees on the roadsides. These trees will be exhibited to all passers-by for a nominal entrance fee as soon as the last of our forest trees has be- come extinct. The insect world has shown through all the later years a perceptible progress and enjoyable tendency to copulate and multi- ply. We have had grasshoppers, codling- moths, scale-bugs, and our most gracious Sire has treated successfully, by mercurial ointment, several cases of phylloxera in per- sons that had come in too close a contact with the vineyard of a friend. We are uncertain whom we have to thank for this revival of the insect world our brother Harry Ed- wards, for his absence, or our State ento- mologists, for their presence. The year has been rather dry and our 92 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. farmers found sufficient reason to complain ; so the inscrutable wisdom of Divine Provi- dence, whose pet is the California granger, sent us rain enough to give him cause to complain about inundation. This dispensa- tion of Providence is still going on, because Providence has been long enough in office to know that as soon as it stops raining the California granger will growl about un- usual dryness. So the rain goes on and a new deluge is fairly started. The more thoughtful members of our Academy of Sciences make preparations to transform their hall into a Noah's ark, in order to save all those animals in their stuffed state whose ancestors Noah preserved alive. The citi- zens of this State are much puzzled about the cause of the flood. Heaven so far has always shown patience to their shortcom- ings. They are not conscious of an unusual amount of wickedness, nor is there any California Legislature expected to meet at Sacramento. As usual, our authorities have paid no THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 93 attention to the wishes of the people. It is now twelve years since we have petitioned them to have Telegraph Hill converted into a volcano, so that, at appropriate times, we could have eruptions for the benefit of tour- ists who write books in Boston about Cali- fornia dynamiters, and eruptions of the skin are but poor excuses for a real volcanic eruption. This community of honest, hard- drinking taxpayers is entitled to at least one volcano. We have been frustrated in our dearest wishes; nevertheless, we have to be thankful, especially as it would not help to be otherwise. SOME REMARKS ON THE SECRET RE- LATIONS BETWEEN CHEMISTRY AND POLITICAL ECONOMY. THERE are but few problems left for the investigation of the modern scientist. One of the most interesting problems is the still insufficiently explained relation between politics and alcohol. We have spent much of our own valuable time in the study of this problem; we have distorted Darwinism into the most impossible shapes ; we have in- vented a long series of evolutions; we have experimented on our own system by expos- ing it to the action of alcohol heated up to the production of vapor and then again brought it in contact with a glacial period sucked through a straw. Then we have searched history, ancient and modern, sacred and profane, but mostly profane. The re- 96 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. suit of these investigations was an enormous accumulation of collateral facts, and in re- gard to explanations a new hypothesis. Homer in his Iliad is one of the first authors offering instances of the mystic relation between patriotism and drink. Wherever this reliable historian describes a meeting of the enlightened nation of the Greeks, he never neglects the aithopa- oinon the fiery wine. He minutely de- scribes the depas amphikypellon used by the venerable Nestor when engaged in state affairs. Learned philologists explain the two handles so expressly mentioned by Homer as means to handle more easily a cup of proportions unusual even in the he- roic age; for the inspired poet and historian states at the same time that ten mortal men as they are nowadays could not have emp- tied it. Alas ! the world degenerates, and the cups of our days are small and have very thick bottoms. Homer also carefully notes down that before any decisive step in poli- tics was taken the heroes took a quantity of THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 97 wine in proportion to the importance of the case : " Autar epei posios kai edetyos ex eron hento" A similar custom must have pre- vailed amongst the Romans. We are not quite certain, but we think it was Cicero or somebody else who first pronounced the axioma : " Vox populi, vox whisky." We now recollect distinctly the passage is to be found in Cicero's book "De Officiis," or, The Surest Way to Get into Office. Julius Caesar also, when about to cross the Rubicon, spoke the historical word: "lacta alea esto," Let us shake for drinks. Now, the same phenomenon related by the ancients is witnessed, and let us say is re- ligiously observed, by our contemporaneous generation. But you will see a very mate- rial change in the system of administering the alcohol. With Homer it is always the kings and heroes that do the drinking, and the people the paying; but during the re- publican government of ancient Rome the people do the drinking, and, exactly as it is in our own country, the wealthy or those that 98 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. want to become so pay for the drinks. You will observe that all political meetings, may their principles be as divergent as possible, agree in one point: after having saved their country they adjourn into adjacent bar- rooms, where they mix their public spirit with kindred spirits. You will say our Academy of Sciences acts differently, but you forget, firstly, that our Academy is a scientific, not a political body, and, second- ly, that there is no decent barroom in the vicinity. Now, this intimate relation between pa- triotism and alcohol has even entered our English language in the expression, "A man of public spirit," by which expression we infer that this worthy man takes his spirits publicly with boon companions whom he treats, but not in the solitude of his domes- ticity. This is all very clear and intelligible even to the unsophisticated mind of a San Fran- cisco city father, but now comes in the ques- tion how to account for this phenomenon. THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 99 We have stated before that we have expe- rienced and investigated and have come rather near the solution of the problem, which is a chemical one. Here is our ex- planation : Political questions have no affin- ity to water. This is a conclusion a priori, for we have not tried the water. Neither are they soluble in fixed oils ; we have tried cas- tor oil. Now, it requires very little chemi- cal knowledge to see that alcohol, cold or heated up to a reasonable degree, is the only menstruum in which political questions are soluble. ETHNOLOGY. I AM certain you are astonished to hear me lecture on a subject so unfamiliar to me as Ethnology. It is the fault of our most gracious Sire, who ordered me to do so. He probably meant Entomology, but I under- stood Ethnology, and as this happened after six o'clock P. M., I am not quite certain on whose door I have to lay the cause of the misunderstanding. In such cases I always lay it at the door of the other fellow, who in this instance is our most gracious Sire. I at first intended to follow the custom of my fellow-scientists that is, to compile an ethnological or entomological paper of plagiarisms, in which only the errors are my own; but, on more mature reflection, I thought, as Alexander von Humboldt is 102 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. dead and Frank Pixley alive, I would not run the slightest risk to be discovered in drawing from my own bold and lively im- agination. The first stage in the existence of all na- tions and humanity in general is that of Midsummer High Jinks, differing from our present ones only by a large supply of noth- ing to eat and to drink, but agreeing with it by a total absence of houses. I am not pre- pared to state the exact time to which this state of affairs has lasted, but I am con- vinced that at the time of Julius Caesar the author of several Latin text-books still in use in our colleges a change must already have taken place, because this J. Caesar wrote a book, "De bello Gallico," which, as a member of our Board of Edu- cation has informed me, means "On the beautiful Calico." Now, these words would infer that the state of society had changed into that of a picnic, if it were not for the frequent occurrence of the word "castra," which word I distinctly recollect means THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 103 "camp," and compels us to look at the ethno- logical state of Caesar's period more in the light of a camp-meeting. The present Midsummer High Jinks are a decided improvement on the original ar- ticle, which I have closely studied during my stay in Australia. By the kind recom- mendation of Captain Schenck, I received an invitation from the daughter of an Au- stralian chief to assist her in arranging a cabinet of insects, which she carried about her through all the wanderings of her tribe. I accepted the invitation, arranged the col- lection, exchanged specimens, and, as the office of State Entomologist was already filled by an intelligent carpenter, I was re- ceived in the bosom of the tribe, obtained the right to vote and at the same time differ- ent degrees of relationship, with all the privileges otherwise only conceded to Irish cousins. Owing to a failure of our crop of kan- garoos, we had to live chiefly on mission- aries. Whenever the supply was exhausted 104 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. we took to stealing sheep, which change of diet at last aroused the British lion. For weeks I had breakfasted, lunched, dined, and souped on mutton. My hair, formerly straight, began to curl and grow crisp by the constant feeding on the wool-bearing sheep as you can see now when the catastrophe drew near. The battle was imminent. On our side, naked bodies, wooden spears, and the trust in Divine Justice and our swift feet; on the other side, thoroughbred horses, Minie rifles, and the untamed courage of the amateur soldier. The words of our valiant chief are still ringing in my ears; " There," he said, "is the enemy of our homes. Most of them are fat, tender, sleek, and in splendid condition. They will re- quire but little cooking to be very nice. At present they are not nice ; but who would be afraid to die when the honor and glory of his country is at stake? It is not hard to die ; the biggest fool can die, and I have seen them do so frequently." Enthused by this speech, we raised the THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 105 war-whoop and then followed the example of the valorous chief and climbed each a gum-tree. We gained by this maneuver the most decided victory, because the horses of the enemy got frightened and ran away with the valorous warriors of the home guard, with the exception of a few bold men whose horses refused to run and took to kicking. Those men, after having made us a present of their horses, tried very hard to join the corps d'armee. We hoped they would suc- ceed, and ate their horses. As these horses refused to talk, it will remain a mystery for- ever at whose instigation their fellow-horses ran from battle. I am certain it was no bribe from our side; perhaps it was a strike for higher wages. Alas! those happy days are passed, and I am the only survivor of that once pow- erful tribe. The men have been shot by prejudiced shepherds and cattleherders; the unprotected females have served as food to their affectionate neighbors; and at present I am the only living man that 106 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. knows the grammar and spelling of their language. Alexander von Humboldt mentions in his travels a certain parrot, the parrot of the Atures, who was the only being that talked the language of that extinct race. That is exactly my case. It remains now to draw a moral for you and administer the customary admonitions : First, my dear Bohemian brethren, let us continue to celebrate this anniversary of the creation of the world ; Secondly, let us keep up the difference between the original Midsummer High Jinks and our present refined celebration by always laying in a good stock of good things ; and Thirdly, and finally, let us not become ex- tinct. ON COMMERCE. I AM not here to discuss Christmas from a dogmatic point of view; that has been done by our most gracious Sire and other pulpits of this city. I am here to discuss a new side of the question the commercial one. Christmas is the time when we are expected by the whole world to settle our bills, instead of running up new ones. A friend of mine, and at the same time one of the greatest authorities in Bohemian financiering, invented a new commercial system by not paying the old bills and let- ting the new bills grow old. It is his view on commerce which I am to develop here. The word "commerce" is derived from the Latin merx, genitive mercis, which does not mean mercy of which commercial people show very little to each other. 108 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. Merx means a ware, and mercari to trade. The Greek verb peirao signifies the same, but its verbal substantive peirates does not mean a merchant, and is a proof that the ancient Greek knew life-insurance com- panies, syndicates of mines, and similar institutions as well as we do. There are several institutions in mysterious connection with commerce; for instance, the Custom House. This institution was created for two different purposes: First, to cause in- vestigations; secondly, to break the antennae of the butterflies imported by our most gra- cious Sire. As the surface of this planet is divided into dry land and ocean, so is the commer- cial community divided into dry-goods merchants and liquor-dealers; but, accord- ing to the Bohemian system, they are classi- fied as such that give credit and others that give none. There is a close connection between interest and capital; for instance, British interest will suffer when the Turkish capital is lost. But as the true Bohemian THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 109 seldom receives interest, but frequently has to pay it, he will not be such a fool as to fight for any interest. And so I hope you will all join me in the pious wish : " Peace on earth, good will to men." PREHISTORIC RELICS. WHEN Montgomery Avenue was begun, I expected that the earthwork necessarily connected with grading and cutting through would bring to light interesting documents of prehistoric life on this coast. My most sanguine expectations were real- ized, and I succeeded in securing the in- teresting objects which you see here and which will form the nucleus of a most valu- able archaeological collection. The objects which are before you were all found on an area extending from the corner of Montgomery Avenue and Jack- son Street to a point near Stockton Street, where an empty lot is crossed by the I45th meridian. By the ignorant this meridian has been pronounced a clothes-line, and by some people has even been used as such. 112 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. But true science knows the well-established difference between a meridian and a clothes- line. There are ample proofs that all this dis- trict at a remote period has been covered by the sea in fact, was the bottom of an ocean. It probably was not then inhabited by the human race, and all the objects of human skill which you see before you date from a later period. Still an old coast line must have existed to a comparatively re- cent time, and is recorded by the term "Barbary Coast." But here you see some other proof. You see the remains of a bivalve, closely related to a now living species. And here you see another example of how the sagacity of the modern geologist from an apparently insignificant object draws the most important conclusions and establishes facts of the highest scientific interest. But before entering into the concatena- tion of circumstances, I have to speak about THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 113 the unit to be used in our calculation. As the ancient Greeks had their chronology arranged in accordance to the anniversaries of the Olympics, where the tribes of this gifted race assembled and competed for the crown of the laurel, so the California geologist arranges his chronology in correspondence to Legislatures, California Olympics, where all the talent, the honesty, the virtue, the wisdom, the beauty of this country meet and conglomerate into one enlightened body. Now, if we remember that it took five California Legislatures to ruin one geological survey, we easily can form an idea how long the tertiary period must have been during which the antedilu- vian Gryphaea developed up to the intellect of the now living oyster. You see here several hollow cylin- drical bodies of a substance that by our State Chemist has been pronounced a silicate of potassa. These bodies have proved a great puzzle to archaeologists, until, by my untiring researches, it has been estab- 114 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. lished beyond a doubt that these bodies were objects of public worship. The prehistoric Indian imagined them inhabited by spirits, powerful but benevolent, to whom he brought offerings of small pieces of metal. The silicates are found in a state of more or less perfect preservation and in great profu- sion throughout that whole region, and bear testimony of the most early piety of the red man. In some excavations they have been found numerous enough to form strata; these probably were places of public wor- ship. It was in the fourth year of our Bohe- mian era that it came to pass that a great prophet arrived from China, who instigated the people to destroy these idols, and con- verted a great many to the Five-Gallons Monotheism. The object of their worship was the great spirit of red noses, called "LokAh Lo Pshon." Here you see some cubic bodies whose facets are ornamented by points of different numbers, from THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 1 15 one to six. Their use was till lately a mys- tery to science, and I am indebted to our Board of Education for the explanation of these curious implements. According to their statement, they were called bones by the prehistoric Indian, from the Latin words "bonus bona bon," which means a bone, for they were made out of the bone of the untamed mastodon of the plains. They served for the instruction of children in arithmetic. They have been tried by the Board and found very useful in complicated calculations about spiritual matters. As you see, the points do not exceed six. The Indian did not count more than six. The decimal system was not yet invented, and the Indian of the period relied on his sexual system. This object for a considerable time was inexplicable, until I succeeded in restoring it to its original form. IRISH HISTORY. OUR Bohemian brother, Dr. Nuttall, has enlightened us on the subject of Irish rhetorics. He has quoted specimens pro- duced by Irish ladies when in a state of virtuous indignation or otherwise excited. But what is Irish elocution when compared to Irish history? Irish history is a history of itself. It is entirely original; it does not connect with the history of any other na- tion, or even with the history of the world; it is independent from chronology, or even real facts. There comes the Fenian, the Milesian, the Erse. Nobody knows where they come from, and we only entertain a dark sus- picion where they go to. They do not con- nect with collateral history otherwise than by the name of some great Irishmen that Il8 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. appear in Greek and Roman history, viz., Ovid, Virgil, Terence the "us" of Ovid- ius, Virgilius, Terentius, being merely added partly to accommodate the second declension, partly as a compliment to the United States. At the dawn of Irish his- tory we find Orion, who, in recompense for the valuable advice which he had given at the creation of the world, got a position in the sky, where he still forms a constellation; and it is a comfort in these turbulent times to see at least one Irishman keep his posi- tion, unaffected by the rotation of other celestial bodies. BOTANY. THE first attempt at botanical classifi- cation was that of Pliny the Younger, who, after having failed as a stockbroker, was by the influence of a body of Haruspices in Rome appointed Professor of Botany in Pompeii and Herculaneum. He did not cause the eruption of Vesuvius, as some in- accurate historians contend, but he perished in it, and wrote afterwards a very valuable description of this most interesting catastro- phe. This ingenious scientist divided the whole vegetable kingdom into the follow- ing classes: Trees, shrubs, vegetables, chicken-salad, mushrooms, coffee, wines extra. All plants not belonging to one or the other of these great classes he lumped 120 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. together and called " weeds," and did not take any further notice of them. You will perceive that in this system there are six classes; the decimal notation was not yet invented, or there would un- doubtedly have been ten. The ancients counted only to six, and as a natural conse- quence had to rely upon their sexual sys- tem. This system was afterwards improved by Linnaeus, who based on the same im- moral principle his arrangement of twen- ty-four classes, of which the last, the Cryp- togamia, is the only decent one and the only one whose study could be recommended to the Normal School, if they modestly re- frained from examining it with the naked eye. This state of things could not last, and the Natural System was invented a sys- tem which differs chiefly from the Lin- naean by the male flowers being called "staminate," the female " pistillate," or vice versa. There are several natural sys- tems, all of them more or less important, and it was left to my own exertions to de- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 121 vise a botanical system founded on new and entirely moral principles. I divide the whole vegetable kingdom into two classes: Eatabilia and Non-eatabilia. Let us first discuss the Non-eatabilia, which class is again divided into several or- ders. The most important of these are Smokeabilia, Smellabilia, and Intracta- bilia. The order Smokeabilia is too well known to the members of this institution to require any further discussion. Most of the Smellabilia belong to the natural order of flowers, and are used for different purposes ; for instance, bouquets presented to ladies. Their color is of great importance. At marriages we present by preference red flowers, signifying the blushes of the bride, which vary in intensity from carnation to fuchsia, but generally keep to the shade of rouge, bought at a reliable drug-store. At funerals the flowers are white and blue, the white being the symbol of the moral purity of the deceased, the blue representing the state of mind of the mourning friends, and 122 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. the green of the foliage the medical inno- cence of the doctor under whose care the patient died. The highest order of this class is known as Intractabilia, and consists of those plants which are used for educational purposes. They are, the hazel, the birch, the rattan, the bamboo, which is used for tropical im- provement of the mind, and the lady's slipper. All these substances act on the mind by being brought into quickly re- peated contact with the lower end of the spinal column. My esteemed collaborator and college professor, Searby, and myself owe all our moral excellence to similar demonstrations a posteriori. I come to the second class the Eata- bilia. It is divided into three orders: i, those which may be boiled ; 2, those which may be roasted; 3, those which may be taken raw. This reminds me of a thrilling adventure in the bold career of the naval hero, Captain Schenck. During one of his perilous voyages on the Pacific Ocean he THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 123 visited his friend Liti-Li-Li-Ho-Ho, the powerful king of the Cannibal Islands. The king received his guest with all the pomp and honor usual in his cannibal empire. At the feast given in the Captain's honor the neighboring trees were decorated with girls bound fast and awaiting the moment when they should be served at the royal table. One of the most toothsome was des- tined for the dinner of the distinguished guest; and when the Captain was asked in what style he would have his girl served up, he astonished his cannibal friends with the words: "Your Majesty, I'll take mine raw." Now, my friends, let us continue to lead a more virtuous life, so that when in our here- after the question is raised in what style we shall be served, our guardian angel may sing out like the Captain, "I'll take mine raw." THE AGE OF IRON. WE have all been charmed by the me- diaeval love of the great Scotch bard; we have identified ourselves with the valorous knight, and have fought his battles, made love to the Baronet's daughter till the ro- mance came to an end and we had to return to stern reality, Latin grammar and the problem of Euclid. Our sympathies with the champion of bygone days is but natural, for we are his lineal descendants and lawful heirs. The Bohemian is the knight errant of the nine- teenth century, only he wields the pen in- stead of the battle-ax; his enemy is no more the feudal tyrant, but the modern fool; he owes his dress-coat to the tailor, not to the blacksmith. But the romantic instincts of 126 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. the illustrious ancestor live still in the Bo- hemian heart How we would enjoy it if suddenly this room would transform into a feudal hall, the flames of the gaslight into torch-bearing serfs! Here we sit at a long table, clad in steel, the trusty sword on our side. A blast of a horn pierces the air. It is the signal of the warden placed on the battlements of the tower, not the toothorn of the festive hoodlum. It is not New Year which is ap- proaching; it is a noble guest who reins his courser at the portcullis. Hark the sound I It comes like a distant earthquake in search of a situation. It comes nearer. It mounts the staircase like a walking blacksmith-shop. The door flings open, and in steps the valiant knight, Sir Godfrey de Newcomb from Sacra- mento, He takes off his iron overcoat and hangs it on the hatstand in the hall ; he puts his iron umbrella in a corner; he blows his nose with an iron handkerchief. With sounding step and clanking armor he strides THE HOOT OF THE OWL. I2J into the banquet-hall, gazes around him, and his proud eye meets the eye of Sir Walter de Mestayer Sir Godfrey de New- comb deliberately pulls off one of his iron gauntlets and flings it on Sir Walter's pet corn. A wild combat ensues. Sir Godfrey fells Sir Walter to the ground, he puts his knee to Sir Walter's chest, his poniard to his throat, and bids him to acknowledge that Sir Godfrey de Newcomb's lady love is the greatest beauty of all ages and countries. Sir Walter pleads that he has not the ad- vantage of a personal acquaintance, never having been introduced; but Sir Godfrey tickles his throat with the poniard, and Sir Walter signs the certificate. Alas! these happy days are gone forever. The age of iron has passed. It is true we have in this country considerable brass and steel sometimes more than is agreeable to taxpayers; but essentially this is an age of flannel and underwear. And still the age of iron has not passed away entirely; it sur- vives in one form. Don 't be afraid ; I do not 128 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. refer to the railroad. In our time it is not the valiant knight who wears the mail-coat over his garments ; it is the delicate maiden who wears her garments over concentric rings of iron, yclept a crinoline. The knight wore the iron rings to protect his frame, the maiden wears them to correct her frame and to expand parts of it into the proportions required by an age of taste and refinement. But not only the body expands in our century by concentrically and spirally ar- ranged iron implements ; the mind expands as well. Look! Here is the iron tool [draw- ing a crinoline] which makes spiritual com- fort accessible, at the same time, in its spiral line, the emblem of all spiritual progress, which since thousands of years prefers the spiral to the straight line. In hoc signo vinces. ANCIENT BOHEMIANS. THE wanderer who strives to gain the glory-clad peaks of Alpine heights turns round at certain points to view the scenery of the valleys through which he has passed on his road to the mountain-side. So do we Bohemian wanderers. We also have the wise custom to turn round at the end of a year and eye the past with the eyes of the present. Let us then have a retrospect as it behooves members of the ancient organiza- tion. The first traces of Bohemian existence are lost in the dawn of prehistoric times. It seems a well-established fact that at the time of the Lias formation Bohemians did not exist. The beautiful creatures whose re- mains we find imbedded in the Jura lime- stone have been identified by modern scien- tists as species of pterodactylus, and it was only the angel-like wings combined with 130 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. bills of enormous proportions that have sug- gested to the older school the idea of fossil- ized Bohemians. The first certain traces of Bohemians we find in some highly ornamented sculptures in the Pyramids of Egypt. The artists of that remote period were Bohemians, and had the thoughtful custom, when they had to represent their gods, to take the models from their Bohemian brethren. Of course, they always selected for that purpose only mem- bers of characteristic beauty and purity of morals. We have here quite a gallery of well-executed copies from sculptures of that origin. Another trace of prehistoric Bohemian- ism has been found in the lacustrine dwell- ings of Switzerland that nowadays excite the curiosity of the archaeologist as much as the shell-mounds of California. In the re-, cesses of these ancient habitations, together with split marrow-bones of the mastodon, arrow-heads, and other flint implements, was found a bill for monthly rent of a THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 131 lacustrine cottage, wrapped round a cubic crystallization of fossil Limburg cheese and not receipted. In the same rate that we approach his- toric times the evidences of Bohemian ex- istence multiply. You all have a vivid recollection of the Greek expedition headed by Jason that started in the year 1690, be- fore our Christian era, for the gold mines of Colchis. Most of the Greek heroes of that period had largely invested in a mine which so considerably had fleeced them that ever afterwards it was known by the name of the " Golden Fleece." Jason, with the other heroes, chartered a steam-tug, called the "Argo," and went for ^Eetes, the superintendent of said mine and father of a most accomplished daughter, by name Medea, who was a great astrologer and fortune-teller. The word "medium" is de- rived from Medea. Jason tried to get some points out of her and succeeded but too well. Each hero made his pile. After having sold out, they returned in the same craft; 132 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. but the "Argo," overloaded by fortunes carelessly stowed away, sprung a leak, and at her arrival at lolkos was condemned by the naval authorities of that place. So they sold the old ship to the Government of the United States for a man-of-war and started a paper. One of the most interesting documents has been unearthed by Mr. Schliemann, so justly celebrated for his excavations in Asia Minor. On an excursion into the ancient kingdom of Bithynia he discovered the mon- ument that marks the ashes of the unfortu- nate Carthaginian, Hannibal, who, on his flight from the Romans, ended his luckless career by taking poison. Mr. Schliemann published a translation of this most interest- ing inscription. It runs thus : This is to certify that General Hannibal, a native of Carthago, came to his death by an overdose of nitrate of strychnia; admin- istered by himself. Nobody to blame. Dr. SWAN, Coroner. THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 133 On the reverse of the monument were in scribed the touching words : COMMIT NO SUICIDE As our time is valuable, I have to stop here, but will read you on another occasion the second volume of this historic work, which contains the period from the Roman King, Numa Pompilius, to the Californian Senator, Paul Neumann. ON TEMPERANCE. OF all the innumerable virtues which I am constantly practicing, temperance has always been my pet; and for good reasons. St. Origen, one of the highest Bohemian au- thorities, speaks in terms of profound and just indignation of a sin of such magnitude that it requires two to commit it. Now this sociable and otherwise rather agreeable sin must have a counterpart, or antagonist, in some double-barreled virtue, or else vice would have an advantage over virtue and would be more perfect than virtue, which is absurd. Looking over the long index of virtues practiced in this Bohemian congre- gation, I find temperance the virtue and counterpart of the social sin condemned by St. Origen, because we never commit a tem- perance without inviting a friend. Now, 136 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. my beloved brethren, this is all clear and intelligible; and, theoretically, temperance would be all right, if it were not for the existence of serious obstacles and grievous mistakes in regard to the practice of the virtue. There are some benighted people who mistake total abstinence for temperance. Temperance is moderation in all things; total abstinence is an extreme, and as such intemperance in its worst form, because it is unnatural. Temperance is the territory that separates two extremes. Between arc- tic ice and the scorching heat of the tropics stretches the temperate zone. This zone is inhabited by the most temperate nations the Americans, the Irish, the Dutch; and this is not the only circumstance from which it received its name; like the tem- perate zone, temperance is the intermediate state between total abstinence and total intoxication. What says Horace, that great authority of our Bohemian church? "Medium THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 137 tenuere beati," which, literally translated, means : Blessed be they that walk On a line of chalk Through a given room diagonally. There is another even more serious mis- take interfering in the sacred cause of tem- perance. There exists in the mind of many people an erroneous impression that water is the most temperate beverage, and, I am sorry to say, there are fanatics who really use it as such. My dear brethren, water is really a very useful fluid. It was created for washing, for bathing at the Midsummer High Jinks, for the sale of nautical instru- ments, for painting in water-color, for the construction of bridges, and last, but not least, for the cleaning of bottles. We have here in this town a microscop- ical society whose members are visible to the naked eye and derive their name from the circumstance that they look into glasses of the microscope. Each member of this society will state that each drop of water 138 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. swarms with myriads of living beings, each provided with individuality and actively engaged in the pursuit of happiness. We also have here a society to promote cruelty of insects to man no, to prevent cruelty to animals. This society recognizes two rea- sons which justify the taking of animal life; but under no circumstances are we permit- ted to inflict tortures on living beings; and would it not be a torture for these myriads, engaged in the pursuit of happiness, to be exposed to the horrors of our intestinal tube? Before swallowing these poor aqua- tics we have to kill them, in as mild and pleasant a way as is compatible with the process. This object we obtain by diluting the water with alcohol, a method agreeable to both parties and at the same time admin- istering spiritual comfort. Dr. Swan, who frequently assisted me in the diluting pro- cess and aided in my experiments, has seen through a microscope of 2,675 horse-power the microbes, during the diluting process, joyfully clapping their hands and singing THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 139 out: "Death, where is thy sting? Hell, where is thy victory?" which means, in the language of microbes, "We won't go home till morning." A NEW PHILOSOPHICAL INSTRUMENT. I WAS very much at a loss by what token I could show my friendship on such a fes- tive day. Pondering over this subject, I en- tered the hall of our Academy of Sciences, where I am accustomed to take at regular intervals my semi-monthly nap. From this I was startled by a lecture given by our learned Professor of Meteorology, who de- veloped a new theory of heat produced by inverted comic action of irradiating ether. He accounted for the length of day in sum- mer by expansion. The day is in summer expanded by heat, and contracts in winter even beyond its natural volume by the ac- tion of elasticity. The learned Professor also produced a philosophical instrument uniting in itself the merits of thermometer, barometer, aneroid, theodolite, corkscrew, 142 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. and toothpick very useful and hereafter indispensable to the traveling scientist. You may ask how I came into possession of this valuable instrument. I borrowed it for an indefinite space of time. This is my system, but, I am sorry to say, practiced by many people without their giving me credit. Before I hand over to you this valu- able instrument I have to give you some in- structions as to its use. When placed outside doors in a promi- nent position, this instrument will indicate every current of air by pointing to the oppo- site direction. As our temperature is regu- lated by such currents, the instrument will act as a thermometer. You ascertain the amount of atmospheric water by the circumstance that the instru- ment gets wet when it rains. By a simple algebraic formula you will find abundantly the inches of rain fallen during the season, and a fraction that perhaps might remain undissolved you may donate to our gran- gers, who never get rain enough, or distrib- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 143 ute it amongst the picnic parties that at present destroy the peace of mind of Harry Edwards and other butterfly catchers. You all know the difference between a meridian and a clothes-line. This instru- ment, placed on a meridian on the point where it crosses a degree of latitude, will show the exact geographical position of the locality by remaining in that position. As to electric tension and the deviations of the magnetic pole, I leave it to your own philosophical mind to find out the use of the instrument. EDUCATIONAL METHODS. LITERATURE is the expression of civiliza- tion; civilization itself the product of edu- cation, and education the result of certain demonstrations a posteriori by which the juvenile mind is propelled on the path of wisdom and science. According to the ori- gin of the material which is brought in contact with the lower end of the spinal column, we distinguish several different circles of civilization, which at the same time serve as types to peculiar forms of liter- ature. All the material used for educa- tional development is of vegetable origin, and in discussing our object we must first separate material of monocotyledonous growth from those of dicotyledonous. The bamboo (Bambusa arundinacea, L.) is an arborescent grass, and, as such, a 146 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. contradiction in adjecto. It is an antedi- luvian type nowadays, only to be met with, together with analogous organisms, in trop- ical countries and in some sequestered cor- ners of the southern hemisphere, where this vegetable anachronism has not found pow- erful competitors in the battle of life. It is the true emblem and image of the mon- strosities and inconsistencies of Chinese civilization, whose promoter the bamboo has been for one thousand years. The rattan (Calamus Rotang) possesses considerable advantages in its civilizing power. It is a palm-tree, scarcely an inch thick, but sometimes more than four hun- dred feet high, or rather long, leaning on other trees and supported by brush-wood. The rattan is the promoter of Hindoo civ- ilization, and that most extensive epic poem, the Mahabharata, is the true picture of a palm-tree four hundred feet long and only one inch thick. We will now proceed to the higher types of civilization produced by a quickly re- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 147 peated external application of dicotyledon- ous growth. There are two trees nearly equally productive of humanitarian prin- ciples the hazel and the birch. The hazel (Corylus avellana, L.) has its sway in southern and eastern Europe, where the Mecklenburg government, in its pater- nal care for the welfare of its subjects, pre- scribes by law the length and circumference of the hazel used for civilizing purposes. Austria employs this medium chiefly for military education and owes to it most of its victories. It is the hazel which infuses patriotism into an army otherwise divided by race, language, and interest. In hoc signo vinces is the motto of the Austrian hazel, and it is under the holy hazel-tree that Slavonian, Hungarian, Roumanian, crowd and fight. The birch is the originator of Anglo- Saxon civilization and the kindred types of Scandinavian and German. Its eastern boundary is the Elbe River, where the realm of the hazel begins. Being born near 148 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. this river, I have enjoyed the advantages of both educational systems. I have been laid low under the hazel and have writhed un- der the stimulating influences of the birch- rod. The hazel has its advantages, but for classical education the birch always has been preferred. In fact, I consider this tree indispensable; and, furthermore, I am convinced that without its demonstrations a posteriori nobody ever can master the ir- regular verbs. To me it always was one of the inexplicable mysteries of ancient history how, without the assistance of this useful tree, the Romans ever could have learned Latin. It is evident, however, that in the essential points their method of imparting knowledge did not differ materially from ours; the name of their celebrated and still consulted lawbook, Podex J ustinianceus , is one of the many proofs of this circum- stance. There arises now the question which plant will be the emblem and promoter of the civilization springing up from this new THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 149 center on the Pacific, of this literature born in our midst, whose juvenile pranks and freaks we are enjoying so frequently in these rooms, and whose manly strength and power we like to paint in anticipation. The coniferous trees of our mountains do not yield educational material. The ruling vegetation of our plains is tarweed and wild mustard. The tarweed is quite out of the question, for it has no civilizing power. As to the wild mustard, its substance is too brittle to produce any impression on the organs by which we influence the juvenile mind. It is not the raw material, not the body of the mustard which acts on the human mind; no, it is its soul which acts on the human soul. By careful and judicious experimenting, the celebrated pedagogue, McCracken Bungletoe, has demonstrated how the most beneficial results may be ob- tained by squeezing the seeds of the mustard plant, adding warm water, and applying the mass obtained in this way on the same region of the human body on which, accord- 150 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. ing to the now obsolete methods, bamboo, rattan, hazel, and birch were applied. So a benevolent nature has provided ample means for the promotion of Califor- nia literature, and the method to utilize our vegetable resources has been discovered by the scientifically trained mind of a true philosopher. IMMORAL PHILOSOPHY. MOST GRACIOUS SIRE AND DEARLY BE- LOVED BOHEMIAN BRETHREN: Through the whole year I have looked forward to this day. I have collected most carefully every fact connected with Bohemian pro- gress and goodness, and now I am here to give you all the important discoveries of our last year. It is true the new vice so long sought for is not yet discovered, but that is not my fault, nor is it owing to the neglect of any other member of this organization. On the other hand, we have made the most astonishing progress in immoral philoso- phy. You all recollect the important discovery made by our brother Daniel O'Connell, who, having found out that the present sys- tem by which everybody confesses his own 152 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. sins does not work well, improved the in- stitution of confession by the amendment that henceforth everybody confess the sins of his brother. Especially among the sisters, this improved form of confession has worked wonders, and some of the sisters have not stopped confessing from the mo- ment when the amendment of our virtu- ous friend, by Bohemian authority, was adopted. I now come to record another great dis- covery in immoral philosophy made by our great brother in the interest of Truth. Having observed that the present system of questioning witnesses and experts under oath is a frequent source of that most hei- nous of crimes, perjury; and having at the same time discovered by many experiments, carefully conducted by himself, that in bet- ting people are universally conscientious and always bet only on what they, by their best knowledge, consider true, our Bohe- mian brother proposes that, instead of tak- ing the oath, the said witness or expert enters THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 153 a bet at a reasonable amount, sufficient to protect his veracity. The advantages of this system are numerous and evident: 1. It protects the sacredness of the oath, which ought not to be defiled for worldly considerations. The oath has to be used partly as a punctuation and partly as an ex- pletive. In both capacities the oath belongs to grammar, not to law. 2. Oaths, as we all know, are recorded in heaven, and our system, by which a notary public simply enters a note referring to the bet, saves a world of trouble to the recording angel, who now, besides his office duties, may attend to other matters; for in- stance, may attend lectures on obstetrics, or study law; so that, in case of a change in celestial politics he were to lose his office, he could make his living, without becoming a terror to the free-lunch system. 3. There will be considerably more so- lemnity in the proceeding and a powerful laconism if, instead of the common phrase "I solemnly swear to speak the truth and 154 THE HOOT OF THE OWL - nothing but the truth, so help me God four bits," the Judge simply but emphatically says, "You bet." I could mention here a great many other advantages resulting from this most valu- able suggestion of our distinguished brother, Daniel O'Connell, but it would be like carrying owls to Athens. I only take this opportunity to point out the folly of import- ing a Professor of Moral Philosophy from a far-off land when we have in our own midst moral philosophers and great minds like our brother as you see, without any ap- propriation. Now, you may imagine what moral giants we would have raised if a pure-minded Legislature had voted an ap- propriation for a public inspector of morals, a deputy, and county officers of moral phil- osophy. It is true our California climate has lately been injured by too many brass bands in the streets of San Francisco, but the virgin soil of California is still capable of producing any crop desirable to an enlightened com- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 155 munity. We raise any kind of scientist, from the practical miner up to the professor of surgical music or medical ethics, by simply putting on California soil the manure of an appropriation. Just as the mushroom in its natural, uncanned state springs from the dung left by benevolent cattle on an otherwise barren field, so by forming a little dunghill we can raise any variety of the practical miner and granger scientist. Brother Daniel O'Connell at the Low Jinks will lay before you a petition to our coming Legislature where you are to sign your name, each with the mention of a small sum to be utilized to act on the pure minds and giant intellects of our legislators. THE BACHELOR. THE BACHELOR (Homo Caelebs] is chiefly found in the temperate zone, but not always of temperate habits. Most of the specimens live in clubs and look very much like the common species (homo pater famil- ias), from which, in many instances, he can only be distinguished by his habit of keep- ing late hours up to the dawn of morning when he tries to make a face as if he had his coffee and to talk early piety. In the first stage of his existence it is im- possible to distinguish the bachelor from the common species. He spells, studies gram- mar, crams big words without knowing their meaning like ordinary mortals. He fights indiscriminately with his own species, burns firecrackers on the Fourth of July, falls in love; but here is an essential difference 158 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. he marries not one of his many first loves. Only when podagra or old age prevents him from going to the club, and he thus falls into a state of general demoralization, he flies sometimes to matrimony; but even then he does not marry, but is married. During the time of his full vigor the bachelor gradually adopts the habits of the so-called regular life. He is an admirer of the sunrise, but is not an early riser himself. He admires the rise of the sun in going home or in stopping at a lamp-post, in whose embrace he sometimes apostrophizes the luminary of the young day, calling him Helios, Phoebus, and other bad names. The bachelor takes his coffee in bed; he then spends some time in arranging his locks in a peculiar economical way by making a small number of hairs go very far to cover a great surface of shining epidermis. In a later stage of his development this care is abandoned for the possession of a wig, and so for the morning hours remains only the sacred duty to communicate by rubbing the THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 159 skull, by means of a silken handkerchief, to a higher degree of polish, which neverthe- less is modestly hidden under the wig when steps, especially those of a lady, are heard approaching the sanctum. The rest of the day is divided into two sections by the din- ner, which performance is regularly and religiously attended to by every good bachelor. The other sex of the bachelor is not yet discovered. There exists no female bach- elor. Some biologists have supposed that the old maiden is a female bachelor in dis- guise. This is a dangerous and at the same time absurd error. There is a law of at- traction, also called natural selection, per- vading all sexual creation. But the bach- elor, instead of being attracted, runs away from the old maiden; at the same time he proves by such action that with all her ef- forts she cannot be his natural mate. It is an error to consider the old maiden distinct from the species homo, because she would be the usual female of the species if she had 160 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. not been prevented to be so by circumstances over which she had no control ; so her de- velopment became arrested and she re- mained in a kind of larval state. In the later part of his existence the bach- elor becomes an uncle. There is still some mystery about the propagation of the bach- elor. Some scientists pretend that he propa- gates by eggs, which he lays, like the cuckoo of Europe, in other birds' nests. Others have observed that he propagates by a bio- logical process called generatio tequivoca. At any rate, may the process take the one form or the other, his offspring is called " nephew." Of this commodity he generally possesses only one, to whom he delivers moral lectures in the morning and pays the debts after dinner. And the accomplish- ment of these two objects is the task which fills the later part of his existence and for which he has been especially created, namely, paying the debts of his nephew and trying to improve morals which do not exist. LOVE. WHEN our most gracious Sire ordered me to enlighten you on the subject of love, he gave another proof of that giant intellect which is the admiration and astonishment of all who know him, for there are few people who have experimented on this subject so extensively as myself; and, as I have care- fully concealed my profound knowledge, he must have learned my secret by that species of second-sight which belongs to a great genius. As love is a matter of great antiquity and the discussion of it will occupy more than one evening, I have found it necessary to arrange it under three heads: I. Love, from a metaphysical point of view. II. Love, from a physical point of view. 1 62 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. III. Love, from the point of moral phil- osophy, or, to express it in the elegant lan- guage of a prominent clergyman, "after jumping from crag to crag to the Alpine heights of vital existence, taking a bird's-eye view of moral responsibilities." When we analyze the idea of love meta- physically, four possibilities present them- selves to us: Love may be active, passive, re- flective, or and this is the most agreeable reciprocal, which latter form is also called "mutual affection." To love actively and not to be loved is very distressing, but the passive without the active that is, to be loved without being able to raise a corre- sponding affection is even more awk- ward. The reflective form of love is the one most frequently found, for everybody loves himself tenderly and considers him- self a nice fellow. I can even see in this congregation some members who rejoice in the reflection that they are lovely and charming. Love also has a present tense and a past. THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 163 Present love is easily explained ; in fact, un- der most circumstances we cannot under- stand how it is possible not to be in love. Past love is just the reverse we cannot be made to understand how we ever could have been in love; and it is one of the most convincing proofs of the wisdom of an overruling Providence that, notwithstand- ing our desperate efforts, we never succeed in marrying our first love, who is most fre- quently a circus-rider, a milliner's girl, or the wax doll in the show-window of a hair- dresser. If I had been compelled to marry all my first loves, I would have died by in- termittent suicide. Past love, if not recip- rocally past that is, if the other party persists in being in love may become very inconvenient, but I have found an effectual remedy, namely, write to the lady the following letter: "Miss Brown, Smith, or Flanagan [never Nettie, Fannie, or Addie; that spoils the whole effect] : Do not try to explain; I know all." Now, you under- stand, there is ahvays something to know, 164 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. and a lady must be very hardened in love if after such a statement she seeks an inter- view. I intend to take out a patent on this prescription, which I call the Palaeroto- phylaktikon, and collect a royalty from all those who will use it; none genuine unless spelled with a K. Do not infringe on the patent, and beware of imitations. Love from a physical point of view is not the exclusive property of mankind; it be- longs to the whole organic world. Even plants love, and flowers communicate their feelings by winds and insects. Linnaeus founded his system of botany entirely on the relations between male and female flowers. Modern scientists have considered this very improper, and have introduced instead the words "pistillate" and "stami- nate," so that even the pistillate Bostonian may now study the science of flowers with- out blushing. Old Linne, in his blunt way, said: "The pollen is carried to the stigma by the agency of insects visiting for the sake of the nectar." Modern text-books let THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 165 us down gently, as follows: "The kisses of the staminate flower are carried to the re- productive organs of the pistillate flower on the purple wings of the butterfly, which for this service is offered a sip of nectar on the bosom of the latter." This is decidedly more aesthetic than the old version, but less intelligible; it is very chaste, but not quite true. In the animal kingdom we retain as yet the old expressions for sexual differ- ences. We have even in regard to our own species kept the old suggestive pronouns he and she, and also in regard to animals of lower grade there is still great room for improvement. At present we say, for in- stance, a bull and a cow, and do not call the bull a staminate cow. I now come to the third part of my lec- ture the moral philosophy of love. The duties of social life oblige us occasionally to commit evening calls. On such occa- sions make it a point to call before eight o'clock. Scarcely have you touched the bell-handle, when the door is flung open 1 66 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. and in the entrance stands Bridget, smiling all over and with arms lifted for an em- brace; but the smiles disappear, the up- lifted arms sink down, and a moment later nothing is visible but a distant view of Bridget's indignant back, for you are not one of her numerous relations, and the pis- tillate Irishman expects a staminate cousin, not the purple-nosed butterfly which soars on golden wings to sip nectar and water on the bosom of the parlor table. Therefore, if you do not want to wait on the doorstep, ring the bell while the cousin is still ex- pected. I consider it my sacred duty to correct here a dangerous error in regard to the moral philosophy of love. There exists a tradition, propagated from generation to generation, that there is an inverse ratio as to the callings of the heart and those of the stomach, or, to speak more plainly, that love diminishes the appetite. Now, my Bohemian brethren, there is perhaps not one amongst us who has not been thrown in profound admiration at seeing the object THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 167 of his heart's dearest hopes eat through the whole bill of fare at the Poodle Dog, from Baltimore oysters to cheese and black coffee. Love has but little influence over the organs of digestion. I have observed in a few cases (in friends) a momentary reduction in drinks; but whether their affection was accepted or blighted, the number of drinks very soon again reached a reasonable figure. And now for the moral: Combine the physics and metaphysics, and never lose sight of the fact that the object of your af- fections possesses, besides a loving heart, a sound and active stomach. THANKSGIVING DAY. WHEN I first heard of the celebration of Thanksgiving Day I was seized with an irresistible desire to contribute to the fes- tivities. Pondering over this subject, a thought struck me that a most appropriate exercise on such an occasion would be a botanical lecture; for such a lecture will not only produce in the time of its duration that state of somnolence called solemnity, but when finished give a lively feeling of satisfaction that can only be compared to the internal bliss felt by a pointer who has been whipped through a course of educa- tion and is conscious of the fact that there is a vacation of twenty-four hours till the next spinal irritation. The object of this botanical lecture is the pumpkin, and its position, according to the 170 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. natural system, adopted by our most gra- cious Sire. The lecture will be contained in two parts. The first will be so scientific that none of you will understand it; the sec- ond, which is the most interesting, so pro- found that it is not understood by myself. The pumpkin belongs to the natural or- der of Gucurbitacea, a family of doubtful affinities. According to the immortal Lin- naeus, who invented the sexual system (for before him we all propagated by generatio cequivoca), the Cucurbitacece belong to the order Moncecia. This name is derived from monos, single, and oicos, house, and means two beds in one house an arrange- ment somewhat favorable to matrimonial bliss. The pumpkin also belongs to the Phane- rogams, which propagate, according to a well-established law, without any mystery or secret relations. Not so the Crypto- gams, whose ways are dark, arbitrary, and without the rule of an established law. They have different modes. The first of THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 171 them is by division, as, for instance, the bacteria; that is, an individual splits in two, each of the halves in a minute's time being ready for a new division. For ex- ample, if our most gracious Sire would adopt this method of propagation, in the time of five minutes this hall would contain thirty-two Sires, and in an hour the Pacific Coast would swarm with Sires, a circum- stance that would benefit immensely the Bohemian Club, but would be a serious calamity to the medical profession. It is not my intention to mention all the different methods of cryptogamic propa- gation, for I always have striven to protect the morals of our organization. I will only refer here to the higher Cryptogams, that are no more a mere compound of cells, but possess spiral vessels, vessels that open by a spiral corresponding to the spiral ar- rangement called by us "corkscrew." These plants possess alternating genera- tions, an arrangement called dimorphisms, from two Greek words di, double, and 172 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. morphy, which means an Irishman; for all great scientific discoveries have been made by the Irish nation, with the sole exception of the conifers, which were discovered by the conic section of the Hebrew race. In regard to the systematical position of the pumpkin, I think the place assigned to it by our most gracious Sire is the most hon- orable it can ever occupy. ON TRUTH. THE real Queen of Bohemia is Truth. She is worshiped by our literati, admired by our penny-a-liners, imitated by our ar- tists, and praised by me. Yes, Truth has the great prerogative to be praised by me, for my specialty is morals. On previous occasions I have lectured on Virtue. My success was greater than de- sirable. With some friends the progress on the path of virtue was too rapid, according to my taste some short-winded members of the congregation that wanted to keep up with the race and could not have seriously injured their constitutions. But if our worthy Sire will take all responsibility on his own venerable head, I am ready to cause another stampede; only I will use the precaution to discuss Virtue not in her 174 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. totality, but to divide the object, which medical men call don refracta, in which form Virtue is less dangerous. The object of our present contemplation is the beauties of Truth. Truth, also called veracity, in spelling matches sometimes voracity, which means another virtue, was called Veritas by the Romans, and was worshiped in a temple near the Via Appia. This temple does not front the street. Truth frequently is hidden. The entrance to the temple of Truth is through an ad- jacent saloon, from which circumstance the Latin saying, In vino veritas, derives its origin. Once I had to see a friend in this saloon. By some queer coincidence all my friends develop a most remarkable thirst for Truth. On this occasion I was intro- duced to the high priest of the goddess, who, after having bestowed his blessing and distributed spiritual comfort all around him, invited me to a private re- vival in the innermost recesses of the sanc- tuary. Here Truth stood on a pedestal, THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 175 without any other garment but a looking- glass in her hand. "Is this Carrara marble?" I asked the holy man. "No," he said, "it is papier-mache, and hollow inside; but does she not look like Carrara marble?" " This statue," the holy man continued, "has been created at a great expense by the great Greek sculptor Phidias, after a pho- tograph taken by our special artist, Bradley Rulofson. There was but little difficulty for the sculptor, but a world of trouble for the photographer. I never have seen a deity so particular about retouching. This peculiarity, and the circumstance of her eyes being so intensely fixed on that look- ing-glass, is probably the reason why the Romans consider Truth a female deity. No male deity could fix his eyes for such a length of time on a looking-glass, not even when shaving. It probably has not escaped your experienced eye that Truth is naked. Now, to you and me that matters very little ; many a time we have seen and have heard naked Truth; but we have to con- 176 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. sider that ladies, although but rarely, wor- ship in this temple. We therefore every morning dress Truth after the latest fash- ion, the garments being made out of the daily papers. It now devolves upon me to take your oath that you will never divulge, always conceal, and never reveal anything that you have seen or heard in this sanctu- ary." With these words the holy man pro- duced a copy of Baron Miinchhausen's Travels. I kissed the sacred book and swore a Custom-House oath that I will re- member to the end of my days. But, as we are here amongst friends whose capacity to keep secrets is proverbial, I will tell you all about it: Truth has very little charms ; all my lady acquaintances are much prettier. Truth is plain, and, strange to say, she calls herself frequently plain Truth. But she does not mean it. It now devolves upon me to draw some moral and to admonish this congregation. THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 177 Search for Truth; and when you have found her, keep her for yourselves. When compelled to part with her, dress her up pleasantly and after the day's fashion, and never throw that pearl to your husbands. LETTER FROM THE BEAR WHO SWAM ACROSS THE GOLDEN GATE AND LANDED AT THE PRESIDIO. SAN FRANCISCO, June 28, 1884. MY DEAR COUSIN: Circumstances over which I had no control have prevented me from paying you that visit planned and pre- meditated such a considerable time. The real cause of the long dilation was an inde- cision on my part about the method of my travel. It would have been against my prin- ciple to travel by railroad, because under no condition would I encourage the heartless monopoly of the Central Pacific Railroad; besides, I have of late constantly been out of cash and had not the funds necessary to buy my ticket. So I decided to swim the Golden Gate, and found, when I landed 180 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. near Fort Point, a military deputation ready for my reception. They had left their muskets home, which was very con- siderate of them. They knew that since my good grandmother was killed by an acci- dent with firearms my nervous system has become very susceptible, and I do not like to hear shooting. Unprepared as I was, I was neverthe- less up to the occasion, and was just begin- ning a speech, when they retired rather hastily; probably because they saw that I was exhausted by the long swim and the exposure of my system to undiluted water, and that again was very considerate of them. I found the country very much changed since my last visit. On my way to the city I met a police force that evidently was not so friendly disposed as the military depu- tation who received me when I came out of the water. They had firearms, and you know I hate the sight of firearms. Never- theless I was ready to surrender, for I al- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. l8l ways have been a good citizen. Not for the world would I have resisted an arrest made by a superior, well-armed force, as long as I was sober. But I was spared the ignominy of a public arrest by the inter- vention of an Italian bootblack. Scarce had the men of the law seen the bootblack un- packing his box on the margin of a sand-lot, when they turned from me and arrested the Italian for blocking up the sidewalk. I was very much pleased with the promptness of this action, for I always liked to see au- thorities doing their duty, and that boot- black had no right to be a bootblack. Why was he not a dry-goods merchant, and he could have placed as many boxes on the sidewalk as he thought fit; or that auction- eer on California Street, about whose fra- grant audience you complained in your last letter as blocking up the road to the Acad- emy of Sciences? You know that I always longed for a position in a zoological garden. In looking round for an institution of this kind to be 1 82 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. whose ornament I would condescend, I met a troop of men in common citizens' garb, but each of them walking behind a rifle pointed at my head. As I was certain that these men would not fire so long as I was near, I accosted them and entered into a conversation. They were very pleasant, but told me there was neither a zoological nor a botanical garden in existence, but plenty of beer-gardens and lunch saloons; there was somewhere over the water a kind of scien- tific institution, but I never could be ad- mitted there, as I was not born in Massa- chusetts. Soon after I had thanked them for their kindness and taken leave, I heard several shots and saw four big holes fired into nature. In order to avoid an accident, I withdrew into the chaparral, took a hasty breakfast at an Italian gardener's, borrowed a dish of veal from a French stockraiser, and retired for the sake of my health into the wilderness around Uncle Tom's Cabin, where the great number of Sunday hunters have created a climate so salubrious that THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 183 even quail and snipes grow there to a green old age. Yours truly, P. S. There has been a report in the San Francisco newspapers that I was killed. Don't believe it. It is an old trick. When the California Legislature in the year '52 put a price on the head of Joaquin Murieta, three heads of said Joaquin were handed in and paid for; and as Joaquin is still alive, it is impossible to form an idea of how many heads he could have furnished since then, if the payment had not been stopped. The old Californians are not so easily killed. THE MICROSCOPE. THE microscope is an implement com- posed of glass and brass. The brass is used in two different preparations, first, in its purely metallic shape; secondly, in the shape of a brass band, which serves to make microscopical demonstrations more intelli- gible and prevents conversation with a lady neighbor. Brass was discovered in the age of bronze by a gentleman named Tubalcain. Particulars can be found in the sacred rec- ords of the Patent Office at Washington, where his name is mentioned in reference to a new process. Glass was discovered by a Phoenician Superintendent of Public Streets, who spent considerable time in experiments to find for public improvements a sufficiently destruc- 1 86 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. tible and at the same time expensive sub- stance. Modern science has provided our Superintendents of Streets with a series of more pliable, brittle, and costly bodies; but still in more sequestered localities traces of the pavement may be found that was char- acteristic to the age of brass. The name of this Superintendent of Streets was Flana- gan Abu Baker ben Snodgrass, who was born at Sodom and Gomorrah, under the reign of the Egyptian king, Pharaoh Meyer. It is a most melancholy fact that the great man after having discovered glass made a too free use of glasses. The police records of Tyrus, Sidon, Antiocha, and Damascus show his name on every page, and the sta- tion-house of Jerusalem exhibits still his curious and interesting autograph. On a stormy night, when he was camping out at the station-house of Tyrus, rattlesnakes got in his boots, and when he awoke next morn- ing he found he was dead. So this man shared the fate of all discoverers; he bene- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 187 fited humanity, left an immortal name, but died himself. There is no invention that has had the same influence on spiritual as well as on material welfare of mankind. Before glass came into use no looking-glass ornamented the walls of sleeping apartments. The consequence was that the ladies could not dress, for young ladies cannot dress with- out seeing their faces ; they had to repair in deep undress in fact, barefoot to a great extent to the next river, lake, brook, or streamlet, by which act they did hurt sorely every morning the feelings of all the old maidens and shocked very much the whole male population, who, by some unaccount- able coincidence, collected at the same hour in the same locality. But glass is also a bulwark of free insti- tutions. Some thirty years ago, when I visited the Continent to barter for an honorable degree at Giessen, I went out on a clear night to study astronomy with the assistance of some glasses obtainable at a 1 88 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. saloon round the corner. Dark shades on one side of the street, the other side illumi- nated by the pale spectral light of the full moon, which stood high over the steeple of the old Gothic church. Here I stood on a Miocene formation, surrounded by playful trilobites, on the very spot where the high- way of wandering nations is crossed by some meridian. I sank into deep revery. I saw the eagle on the helmet of the Gothic chief. I saw the dark, heavy Burgundian on his way to Barbary Coast. At this moment my revery was interrupted by the harmonic sound of broken windows. The free and independent descendants of the same Goths and Vandals manifested their political an- tipathies by breaking the windows of the resident officer of the Government, and they broke the windows of all the inhabi- tants of the town. By this delicate and ju- dicious proceeding they promoted at the same time political progress and domestic happiness. The glass also fosters temperance; for, THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 189 if we had no glasses, we would drink out of the bottle. Now, after having discussed how much humanity has been benefited by brass and glass, the component parts of the micro- scope, you may judge for yourself how deeply mankind is indebted to the micro- scope itself. IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET. THE text of our present contemplation is found in our sacred book, the Koran, where it is contained in the impressive words, "Kullu meskirin haram." As I have ob- served that some of you have become rather rusty in your Arabic, I will translate it for you. It means, All intoxicating things are forbidden. There are some heretics who read "hammam" instead of "haram," so that the passage would be "Kullu meskirin hammam," which would mean, All intoxi- cating drinks must be hot. May the here- after of such heretics be hot! Now, let us inquire why our holy prophet Mohammed blessed be his name! pro- nounced these hard and apparently cruel words. On former occasions I have incul- 192 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. cated into your minds the important truth that a symmetrical development in vice leads to a blessed life in the terrestrial ex- istence as well as in our hereafter. I know by my own experience how difficult it is to practice several vices successfully at the same time. Our great prophet, therefore blessed be his name! has arranged matters in a way that we derive almost the same spiritual benefit by practicing them one after the other. As I have done on former occasions, I will give you the benefit of my own experience. I began my moral career by stealing apples. Then I practiced polygamy or rather tried to practice it. Then I culti- vated friendship in an alcoholic solution, and here I place myself before you and ask, What next? Now, you will recollect that the rights of individuals are limited by the rights of the nation, and, vice versa, the rights of the nation begin where the privi- leges of the individual end. This is ex- actly the case in regard to the order in which THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 193 the different vices have to be practiced; it begins in the human race where it ends in the individual. Full of vital vigor, nations step on the stage of history and ask, What next? Next they take to strong drink com- bined with friendship, then they introduce polygamy, and end where I began by stealing apples. At the time when our great prophet blessed be his name! preached to the na- tions, all Asia Minor, from the straits of Bab el Mandeb to the ports of the Cau- casus, was drunk before ten o'clock in the morning. What says the great Ibrahim ben Bamboozel Abu Beker ben Smith? No true believer is expected to be drunk before eleven o'clock A. M. Our great prophet saw immediately that the next vice was in order, which was, un- der the circumstances, polygamy. So, my dear brethren, let us follow the teachings of our prophet praised be his name! let us stop drinking and let us practice polygamy. If the laws of the country prevent us from 194 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. doing so simultaneously, let us practice it consecutively, and let us all join in the pious exclamation : Allah il allah we Mohammed resul allah. THE CHRISTMAS-TREE. IT was not my original intention to in- flict this lecture on you. You have to blame our most gracious Sire for it, who insisted on my lecturing to-night, and threatened, in case of disobedience, to take my place, as he has done at former occasions. To save you from such a calamity, I have complied with his wishes, and here I stand a victim of ill- directed sense of duty. My Bohemian brethren, if you consider that the day which we celebrate to-night, or the night which we celebrate to-day, is its 1 887th anniversary, you must comprehend the difficulty of saying anything that has not been said before. It is my custom under such circumstances to consult my spiritual adviser Rev. George Bromley to whom 196 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. I also confess semi-occasionally the sins of a brother. I asked him : "About what shall I speak?" " You speak about five minutes," the pious man answered; but noticing the melancholy expression that imparts a peculiar charm to my features, he called me back and ad- dressed to me the following words of wis- dom: "You fool,- that is to say, my son, read to us one of the papers which you have read before at the meetings of the California Academy of Sciences. Nobody will notice the difference, and besides you are bound in justice to do so, as we have well noticed how frequently, under the disguise of pro- found science, you have inflicted papers belonging to this Bohemian forum upon our unsuspecting sister organization." These were the words of the pious man, and I went immediately to the hall where I keep my manuscripts, took a drink, and selected from the treatises on trees one on the Christmas-tree and its botanical and THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 197 diplomatic relations to turkey and cran- berry jelly. The Christmas-tree belongs to the coni- fers, that is, trees which bear cones. But it is not always that they bear cones; some of the members present will convince them- selves to-night that this wonderful tree has the power to bear fruit of the most surpris- ing kind and character. The leaves of the tree are everlasting, or evergreen, which is the symbol of persistent innocence, and not intended as a satire or allusion to the amount of innocence accumulated by the younger members. The stem is not green, but never- theless everlasting, as it will sprout out after every forest fire, and even escape the dangers of the "State Commission for the Preserva- tion of Forests." After the new year the tree can no more be used, for then the season approaches when our forests are vaccinated, to protect them against phylloxera and rinderpest. In spring it produces flowers, in summer pic- nics, and ripens its fruit at Christmas. 198 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. Its chief occupation is to attend at forest fires. In its leisure hours it protects the springs whose waters we dilute with whisky; it also shades the tributaries of our water-works, whose contents assist and con- tribute so largely to our collection of mi- croscopic animals. The same tree protects at our Midsummer High Jinks the wise and venerable head of the old Bohemian and imparts a beautiful green bloom of persist- ent innocence to the intelligent face of the Bohemian neophyte. So, dear Bohemian brethren, let us do homage and bow to-night reverently before the tree that shelters our midsummer ser- vices and enlightens and illuminates the present celebration. YULE. A CELEBRATION like that of to-day has always a tendency to recall the past. It makes us look back into our own bygone days and also into the past ages of our race. So let us then date back the present night for a millennium and a half, and let us imagine that we live at the time when Constantine the Great ruled at Byzantium. We are not Bohemians to-night; we are northern barba- rians Waraegians that fight as mercenary soldiers for the Roman Emperor, Danes that plunder the northern coasts, Normans that invade the Mediterranean and led by our chieftains Hengist and Horsa, Angular Sax- ons, who found corner groceries. The banquet of to-day is not called Christmas; its name is Yule. On the fire- place flames the yule-log, the sacred em- blem of the god Balder's death. Champions 200 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. and warriors, seated on benches, occupy two sides of a long table. On an elevated seat at the head of the table presides the bold Jarl. The whole resembles a low jinks. On the walls lean torch-bearing serfs, instead of gas flames measured by cubic feet. Horns of the Urus filled with mead go from hand to hand, and the heroes walk up where the head of a wild boar is placed before the throne of the powerful Jarl. This hall forms part of an ancient tower rising on a cliff that overhangs the wild waves of the German Ocean, not the Cali- fornia Market. Looking down from the stormy height, you witness the eternal war- fare waged between rock and wave. The foot of the cliff is surrounded by phospho- rescent breakers like this block by the fiery brokers. On the head of the wild boar the warriors lay their hands and pronounce vows according to ancient rites. In solemn chorus they sing: u No, no, we will never get drunk any more ! No, no," etc., etc. THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 2OI The impressive ceremony is interrupted by the discordant sound of a horn. "Is that the Gjallarhorn," exclaims the bold Jarl, "that invited us to Valhalla? Or is it the toothorn of the festive hoodlum?" The door of the hall is flung open, an icy blast of the snowstorm enters. " In Balder's name, shut that door," orders the Jarl; "even the San Francisco Morning Call would declare that weather more than partly cloudy. It is enough to give rheumatism to a rhinoceros, and at present I am oscillating between the regu- lar school and homoeopathy, since I found out that the same liquid that cures the bite of the rattlesnake has the power to produce the same reptile in the boots, as I am con- vinced by my own experience." Then a rumbling and clanking noise is heard as if a tinshop was tumbling down a flight of stairs, and in steps Viking Brom- ley the Terrible in full armor. " May Odin, Thor, and Balder protect thee, valiant Viking Bromley," exclaims 202 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. the Jarl. "Sit down and have a horn of our mead." "The bold Jarl will excuse me. I took a vessel near the Straits of Gibraltar loaded with wine from the island of Cyprus. My men are bringing the casks." Hearing these words, Hero Damm spits his mead secretly on the floor, Burke Thirs- tenson empties his horn hastily into his throat; both are ready for Cyprus. "And what do you bring besides?" asked the bold Jarl. "The China mail and two beautiful Greek maidens," was the answer. "Let them enter to gladden the hearts of my warriors by song and dance." And a pair of Greek maidens, fair as the day, dance gracefully into the hall, wreaths in their hair and garlands in their hands. They look very much like brothers Belknap and Swan. Standing on one leg, they spread gracefully their arms and sing an ode of Anacreon on forensic medicine. "Where is the scald that sings the gallant THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 203 deeds of our own sword and those of our gallant warriors?" asked the bold Jarl. And Bear the Virtuous, well versed in ancient lore and of venerable appearance, walks up to the elevated seat and sings be- fore the Jarl a beautiful song of Hagbart and fair Signe, and how Signe followed her lord and master to the funeral pyre, where she was burned with all her treasures and the gold of her teeth, filled by Dr. Younger, and her library of dry-goods bills ; and then he sings into the golden strings of his harp of ancient times, and how Christmas was celebrated with our glorious ancestors ; and then he puts his harp into his coat pocket, walks gracefully up to the Jarl, and asks for a drink. IDEAL BOHEMIA. WHEN I received a notice from our most gracious Sire that he expected me to make some appropriate remarks on Ideal Bo- hemia, I immediately began to ponder on the beauties of Bohemia, the high objects of its organization, and the inscrutable wis- dom of our most gracious Sire in having appointed me to lecture on such an exalted subject. From pondering over this subject, my mind soon fell to wandering, a habit to which I incline more or less after nine o'clock P. M., and roamed through the vast realms of other memorable things. I made some exceedingly valuable discoveries. Ex- perience has shown me the lamentable fate of all my discoveries made after nine o'clock P. M. I do not recollect them the 206 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. following morning. Therefore, this time I reduced the result of my philosophical re- searches to writing, and I am here to en- lighten you on inscrutable things in general and the different species of inscrutable wis- dom in particular. Amongst inscrutable things there are three that have occupied the human mind in all ages. It is immensity of time, also called "Eternity"; immensity of space, or the "Universe" ; and, thirdly, the boundary line between necessity and free will. Of the immensity of time anybody can form an idea who enters a dentist's office and finds there a notice: "Doctor back in five minutes." These five minutes are an immensity of time. As to immensity of space, a San Fran- cisco horse-car is a good illustration a uni- verse that has room for another universe and plenty of room on the top. As to the boundary-line between capacity and free drinks, its limitation is found by multiplying capacity by the figure of ready THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 207 cash, and then adding the credit strained to its utmost extent in regard to time and place. The most useful of inscrutable things is the inscrutable wisdom of Divine Provi- dence, which is indispensable to the daily press. For example: It has pleased the inscrutable wisdom of Divine Providence to take from our midst our dearly beloved mother-in-law, Barbara Scoldum. Now, there is something incomprehensible at first look in this action of inscrutable wisdom. Divine Providence in taking that particular mother-in-law will soon find that he has caught a tartar. But, in carefully studying up the case, we will find that inscrutable wisdom keeps a place in some distant part of its premises where all the good mothers- in-law go, which place will be considerably warmed up immediately after the arrival of mothers-in-law. There is an arrangement that as soon as the thermometer of that place sinks below the temperature of Fort Yuma a mother-in-law is introduced to save fuel. The natural philosopher calls this ar- 208 THE HOOT OF THE OWL. rangement economy of nature. The heated term by which we were visited a fortnight ago was caused by an accumulation of mothers-in-law who had to remain in the sphere of our planet until accommodations would be provided for them in the place of their destination. Sometimes it is a difficult task to investi- gate the intentions of inscrutable wisdom; for instance, the use of the heads of some of our City Fathers. Their heads are neither useful nor ornamental; they are not made for brainwork. We can prove, by a post mortem, to their owners 7 own satisfac- tion that their heads are empty. But they serve a higher purpose ; they keep the neck- tie in its proper position. The coast of California has passed through violent convulsions and cataclysms. Since the glacial period the coast has been submerged and raised to Alpine elevations. There is no mining stock that has passed through such vicissitudes of ups and downs as the hills and plains of California. Bi- THE HOOT OF THE OWL. 209 valves and remains of marine crustaceans have been found on the tops of the Sierras, and an empty sardine-box has been discov- ered by me in the picturesque wildernesses of Second-Street cut, which may be in- spected at the rooms of our Academy of Sciences. To protect us against further disturb- ances of level, against tidal waves and sudden upheavals, inscrutable wisdom of Divine Providence has created Captain Kenzel, who keeps the coast line of the Pacific in its present position. Now, everything would be smooth and Divine Providence all right if it were not for the California Legislature that runs a biennial opposition line to inscrutable wisdom. But even with this defect, this world is a good world, and even our most gracious Sire, with the assistance of all the members of the Sideboard Committee, could not have created a better one. ON EVOLUTION. THE source of all organic life is the cell. From the simple cell, which constitutes the monad in the animal kingdom and the bacillus in the series of vegetable develop- ments, branch off innumerable evolutionary series of types. The system of cellular development may be brought under three heads: i st. The development in one line: