jllitilllilillii 
 ■llllliiilliii 
 
ODD ECHOES 
 
 FROM OXFORD, 
 
 AND OTHER 
 
 HUMOROUS POEMS. 
 
 BY 
 
 A. MERION, B.A. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 {For file AutJior) 
 
 JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, PICCADILLY. 
 
 1872. 
 
LOAN STACK 
 
 t 
 
 ) 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 t 
 
 fllfl/J 
 
 -*o*- 
 
 PAOE. 
 
 The Tailoe : a Lay of Oxford ...Pi 
 
 Ode to a Baemaid ii 
 
 The Don of Oeiel 15 
 
 What is Love ? 19 
 
 The Suppee of the Foue P 21 
 
 The Whole Hog 24 
 
 The Undergead P 28 
 
 To MY Scout (aftee a Smash) . . . . P 29 
 
 To the Same at Breakfast . . . . P 30 
 
 The Wallflowees 31 
 
 The Schoolmastee's Squint 35 
 
 A Valentine 37 
 
 To L. P. ON Taking his Degeee . . . P 38 
 
 John Flinn's Epitaph 40 
 
 How TO Sleep Soundly 42 
 
 Teetotallees' Logic . . . . . . . 45 
 
 Seeve Him Right. In Two Fyttes . . -47 
 
 A Faeewell P 60 
 
 The Amiable Dun P 61 
 
 The Cuese of the Muses 62 
 
 The Geeat Beeyugee : a Lay of the British 
 
 Association 66 
 
 A Lament of a Swell 71 
 
 " We Pause foe a Reply" 73 
 
 The Teinity Nightingale 76 
 
 Those marked P are parodies. 
 
 708 
 
THE TAILOR. 
 (After Edgar A. Poe.) 
 
 Once upon a morning dismal, as I smoked in blues 
 abysmal, 
 
 Gazing at the curious patterns on the dressing-gown I 
 wore, 
 
 While my cat her milk was lapping, suddenly there 
 came a tapping. 
 
 Like a fellow's knuckles rapping, rapping at my cham- 
 ber-door ; 
 
 « It's that nuisance Smith," I muttered, " rapping at 
 my chamber-door — 
 
 He may rap his fingers sore." 
 
 B 
 
2 THE TAILOR. 
 
 Ah ! I do remember clearly small was then my income 
 
 yearly, 
 And to pay my lodging nearly did my slight finances 
 
 floor; 
 And my prospects, never sunny, fishy were as any 
 
 tunny, 
 And I sadly wanted money, money to pay Baize and 
 
 Blore, 
 
 Pay the fashionable tailors called in Oxford Baize 
 
 and Blore, 
 
 Who will dun me evermore. 
 
 But my cat, prophetic pussy, now got ominously fussy, 
 Clawed me, pawed me with her talons as she'd never 
 
 done before ; ' 
 
 So that now to stay her terror and convince her of 
 
 her error, 
 " Tabby," said I, " it is Smith entreating entrance at 
 
 my door ; 
 It's that feeble Smith demanding entrance at my 
 
 chamber-door. 
 
 Only Smith and nothing more !" 
 
THE TAILOR. 
 
 Presently my chair removing and most seriously re- 
 proving 
 My grimalkin for the dreadful way in which she spat 
 
 and swore, 
 From my writing-table's kneehole stole I softly to the 
 wee hole 
 
 Which the people call the keyhole — keyhole of my 
 
 chamber-door. 
 
 Peeping through it saw another eye the other side the 
 
 door, 
 
 Looking at me — nothing more. 
 
 Straight to stop that sly eye's prying, to the key my lips 
 
 applying. 
 Blew I such a puff of smoke as no man ever puffed 
 
 before ; 
 Then I heard him backward starting, rub his eye as if 
 
 'twere smarting. 
 And he seemed to be departing, so I whispered, " Is 
 
 it sore ?" 
 
 This I whispered through the keyhole ; echo answered, 
 
 " It is sore." 
 
 Answered thus, and nothing more. 
 
4, THE TAILOR. 
 
 Back I went and felt elated, and my blues had now 
 
 abated, 
 When again I heard that rapping rather louder than 
 
 before : 
 " Surely," said I, rising, " surely, if he thinks I'll sit 
 
 demurely 
 While he makes that din securely, his mistake he shall 
 
 deplore ; 
 If I only catch him at it his misdeed he shall deplore — 
 
 He shall not annoy me more." 
 
 Open here I flung the portal, when there entered in a 
 mortal. 
 
 Crooked-legged, with clothes too short all — seedy gar- 
 ments that he wore ; 
 
 Never once *' good-morning" bade me — not a bow or 
 scrape he made me. 
 
 But upon my table laid me down a bill from Baize and 
 Blore, 
 
 Took his stand upon the oilcloth just within my 
 chamber-door. 
 
 Stood and hiccupped — nothing more. 
 
THE TAILOR. 5 
 
 Then this festive creature winning all my sad soul into 
 
 grinning, 
 Such a visage idiotic I had never seen of yore ; 
 "Well, you have been drinking brandy," said I, "and 
 
 your legs are bandy, 
 And you hardly look a dandy, though you come from 
 
 Baize and Blore ; 
 Tell me what on earth your name is in the firm of 
 
 Baize and Blore ?" 
 
 Quoth the tailor, "Tick-no-more !'* 
 
 Scarce I wondered this unsightly dun had answered 
 
 unpolitely, 
 And his answer little comfort, little consolation bore ; 
 For you cannot help confessing that it's surely not a 
 
 blessing 
 When you find yourself addressing dun within your 
 
 chamber-door ; 
 Man or dun upon the oilcloth just within your 
 
 chamber-door, 
 
 » 
 
 With a name like Tick-no-more. 
 
6 THE TAILOR. 
 
 But the tailor standing solus gave me like a bitter bolus 
 
 That one word, as if his vacant soul in that he did 
 
 outpour ; 
 Me with no fine words he buttered, this from time to 
 
 time he stuttered, 
 Till I very softly muttered, " Other duns have been 
 
 before ; 
 They will give me further credit as my tradesmen have 
 
 before ;'* 
 
 Then the dun said, "Tick-no-more !" 
 
 Startled that he spoke so flatly, and replied so very 
 
 patly, 
 " Limited," I said, " it seems is his linguistic stock 
 
 and store ; 
 If of no more words he's master, if he duns not 
 
 harder, faster. 
 Verily he'll bring disaster on the house of Baize and 
 
 Blore, 
 
 And I shall remain indebted to the firm of Baize and 
 
 Blore 
 
 For ever, evermore." 
 
THE TAILOR. 7 
 
 Still his strange demeanour winning all my sad soul 
 into grinning, 
 
 Straight I wheeled a cushioned couch in front of oil- 
 cloth, dun, and door ; 
 
 Then upon the cushions sinking I betook myself to 
 drinking 
 
 Little sips of sherry, thinking what this plague from 
 Baize and Blore, 
 
 What this gloomy, greasy, groggy messenger from 
 Baize and Blore 
 
 Meant by stuttering, " Tick-no-more.'* 
 
 But my cat I soothed by stroking, and small bits of 
 
 bread kept soaking 
 In the milk, and gave them to her, dropped them for 
 
 her on the floor : 
 Long I sat, strange things divining, with my head at 
 
 ease reclining 
 Near the sherry I was wining that the dun's eye 
 
 gloated o'er, 
 
 But the liquor I was wining with his green eyes 
 
 gloating o'er 
 
 He shall taste, oh ! nevermore. 
 
8 THE TAILOR. 
 
 Cloud by cloud the air grows denser, perfumed from 
 
 my meerschaum censer, 
 I should think I must have smoked of pipes that 
 
 morning half-a-score ; 
 " Man," I said, " I have no treasure, or I'd pay the 
 
 bill with pleasure, 
 Only once more take my measure for a suit from 
 
 Baize and Blore, 
 Take your tape and take my measure for a suit from 
 
 Baize and Blore.'* 
 
 Quoth the tailor, " Tick-no-more !" 
 
 " Dun ! " I cried, " inhuman creature, human still in 
 
 form and feature. 
 Much I've hoped you'd take my orders as you've 
 
 always done before ; 
 Tell me — for although you're fuddled, you're not 
 
 utterly bemuddled — 
 Tell me if this hope I've cuddled is well-founded, I 
 
 implore ; 
 
 Will they, will they give me credit ? tell me clearly, I 
 
 implore ?" 
 
 Quoth the tailor, "Tick-no-more!" 
 
THE TAILOR. 9 
 
 *<Dun!" I cried, "inhuman creature, human still in 
 
 form and feature, 
 By the piper who performed for Moses in the days of yore, 
 Tell me won't, oh ! brainless brute, your firm supply to 
 
 me in future 
 Raiment of unequalled suture — genuine make of Baize 
 
 and Blore, 
 Clothes of rare and radiant suture — splendid make of 
 
 Baize and Blore ?" 
 
 Quoth the tailor, *' Tick-no-more !" 
 
 " Then be off, you sour curmudgeon !" cried I, starting 
 
 up in dudgeon, 
 " Get you back to goose and scissors, get you back to 
 
 Baize and Blore ; 
 Leave no long account suggestive of reflections most 
 
 unfestive. 
 Such as make me sleepless, restive — quit my chamber, 
 
 quit my door ; 
 Take your bill from off my table, take yourself from 
 
 out my door!" 
 
 Quoth the tailor, "Tick-no-more!" 
 
10 THE TAILOR. 
 
 Thus the tailor dunned for payment for the raiment, 
 
 for the raiment 
 Mentioned in the bill he did not take from out my 
 
 chamber- door ; 
 Thus he left me grimly staring, and that long account 
 
 up tearing, 
 Part went up the chimney flaring, part lay scattered on 
 
 the floor ; 
 But that bill whose shreds went flying or lay scattered 
 
 on the floor 
 
 Now is settled evermore. 
 
( li ) 
 
 ODE TO THE LARGE BARMAID 
 AT THE TAP. 
 
 Barmaid Titanic, 
 
 Oh ! pardon the panic 
 That seized on my soul when I first saw your face ; 
 
 For wild consternation, 
 
 And deep perturbation, 
 To feelings far other have long given place ! 
 
 Now with eye of a critic, 
 
 Mid vapours mephitic, 
 That exhale from the liquors you vend in the bar, 
 
 My calm eyebrows under 
 
 I look up with wonder, 
 And think what a most unique creature you are ! 
 
12 ODE TO THE LARGE BARMAID 
 
 Miss Fama, as stated 
 
 By Virgil,* was rated 
 A rather fast lady in times long ago ; 
 
 Her head went through cloudland, 
 
 Her feet walked on ploughed land ; 
 How she managed to do it I really don't know. 
 
 But one thing I'm sure of, 
 
 She did not procure of 
 Such lofty-heeled shoes as I've seen a large pair, 
 
 Just such as I chanced once 
 
 To spy as you danced once 
 Across the bar parlour and over a chair ! 
 
 i 
 
 The daughters of Anak 
 
 No doubt had a gay knack 
 Of decking their hair, and would carefully trim 
 
 Their locks in sweet style up. 
 
 Yet did they not pile up 
 Pads and chignons like you to astound Anakim. 
 
 * "Fama, malum'quo non aliud vclocius ullum." 
 
 iENEID IV. 
 
AT TEE TAP. 13 
 
 Vain, vain the contortions 
 
 By which those proportions 
 Of waist elephantine you strive to reduce ! 
 
 Read Horace ;* he'll show you 
 
 Most clearly that, though you 
 Fetter Nature in stays, she is sure to break loose. 
 
 My advice is this briefly : 
 
 I'd urge on you chiefly 
 That in dressing your locks the great Heidelberg tun, 
 
 You ought not to strive all 
 
 Your powers to rival ; 
 Such a coiffure's not pleasing, and dangerous when 
 done. 
 
 I'd caution you further 
 
 What risk of self-murther 
 You run if you will with such stringency clasp 
 
 Certain buckles or braces, 
 
 Or thingumbob laces. 
 Till your waist be the size of the waist of a wasp. 
 
 * " Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret." 
 
 Epist. I. 
 
14 ODE TO THE LARGE BARMAID. 
 
 For just as the slim* full- 
 blown poppy when brimful 
 
 Of rain-water droops to the ground its red cup, 
 And down in the dirt, you 
 Know, withers its virtue, 
 
 While its stalk breaks in two, or at least doubles up. 
 
 Or as a new meerschaum 
 (So called, but a dear sham), 
 
 Whose bowl is too heavy, whose stem is too slen- 
 der, snaps through and smashes, 
 As you tap out the ashes, 
 
 Smashes just where it cannot be mended again — 
 
 Just so you will copy 
 
 That pipe or that poppy ; 
 You*Il bend double, you'll break, you will fall, you 
 will snap 
 
 In two parts at the girdle, 
 
 Oh ! it makes my blood curdle 
 
 To think what a loss that would be to the Tap. 
 
 * " Lassove papavera collo 
 Demisere caput pluvia quum forte gravantur." 
 
 ViEG. iENEID IX. 
 
( 15 ) 
 
 THE DON OF ORIEL. 
 
 There went a don of Oriel, 
 Star of the staff tutorial, 
 In times most immemorial, 
 
 To dine at Brasenose, 
 And there the juice beneficent 
 Of port, antique, magnificent, 
 In one hour and a jiffey sent 
 
 His senses to repose. 
 
 Now buttery cats were squealing ; 
 The midnight hour was peahng ; 
 He left the gateway reeling ; 
 
 The Radcliffe loomed immense. 
 Pale moonlight showed him haggard, 
 As o'er the stones he staggered ; 
 You might have called him blackguard, 
 
 Just in the present tense. 
 
16 THE DON OF ORIEL. 
 
 Amid those feline wailings 
 To stay his footsteps' faihngs, 
 He seized upon the railings 
 
 That round the Radcliffe run ; 
 And clinging to them, wary 
 Of letting go most chaiy, 
 He passed thy church, St. Mary, 
 
 Before the clock struck one. 
 
 Along All Souls he passed on, 
 And by the schools made haste on, 
 And so arrived at last on 
 
 The spot he started from ; 
 He made (read with concern, all ! ) 
 Four times that tour nocturnal ' 
 
 Ere two of hours diurnal 
 
 Were told by Christ Church Tom. 
 
 In Brasenose a student, 
 Who spent the whole day ludent, 
 And read thus late, imprudent, 
 Looked forth into the night ; 
 
THE DON OF ORIEL. 17 
 
 He watched with cachlnnation, 
 And facial perturbation, 
 The don's perambulation, 
 The star tutorial's plight. 
 
 He saw him catch and stumble, 
 And clutch and miss and fumble ; 
 He heard him fume and grumble 
 
 The street had got no end ! 
 At last with joy decided 
 He saw relief provided, 
 And him policeman-guided 
 
 Homeward his footsteps bend. 
 
 I've heard expressed a notion 
 That Alma Mater's motion, 
 Though not result of potion, 
 
 Is like that of the don ; 
 And Union spouters proving 
 That she is always moving 
 A circle or a groove in. 
 
 And never does get on ; 
 
18 THE DON OF ORIEL. 
 
 Till the policeman national 
 
 Detects her course irrational, 
 
 And comes down with a crash on all 
 
 Her antiquatedness ; 
 Sends, spite of " your petitioners," 
 A dozen Royal Commissioners, 
 Of old ways abolitioners, 
 To force her to progress. 
 
( 19 ) 
 
 WHAT IS LOVE? 
 
 " Love ! what Is love ?" I asked an Innocent child, 
 Who sucked some compound dire the while he dinned 
 Wild music from a broken drum. He smiled 
 Broader and broader till at length he grinned, 
 Gave to each finger an elaborate lick, 
 And said, " I love, I love — dis treacle stick." 
 
 ** Love ! what is love ?" I asked a well-breeched 
 
 youth, 
 Over whose head ten summers might have rolled ; 
 Upon his brow seemed stamped the mark of truth. 
 He looked at me, and answered frank and bold, 
 And wished he might be hanged, and dashed, and 
 
 blowed, I 
 
 And botheration take him if he knowed. 
 
20 WHAT IS LOVE 1 
 
 *' Love ! what is love ?" I asked a new-wed bride. 
 
 " Oh !" said she, "it is soft emotion's flow ; 
 
 It's mutual affection's gushing tide ; 
 
 It is a foretaste given us here below 
 
 Of rapture and of bliss that is above. 
 
 Love is my William, and my William love." 
 
 " Love ! what is love ?" I asked a careworn soul, 
 
 Who was belabouring his spouse with a cudgel. 
 
 And she was culling from his tristful poll 
 
 Handfuls of hair. " Love !" cried he, " it is fudge all ! 
 
 But have you eyes, and do you ask of me ? 
 
 Why, drat the dreaming bachelor ! can't he see ?" 
 
( 21 ) 
 
 THE SUPPER OF THE FOUR. 
 (After Edgar A. Poe.) 
 
 Remiges quinque a Nunehamo reversi in R'lcardi hosp'ttis 
 canaculum intrant, ex qu'ihus qu'idam sic loquitur : 
 
 " Ah ! 'pon my word, you fellows, I'm as tired as I 
 
 was ever ! 
 For supper shout, and let the scout know we're come 
 
 from the river ; 
 And a cushion quick! a cushion, Dick, give now or 
 
 nevermore, 
 For on this bare cane-bottomed chair I will not sit : 
 
 I'm sore. 
 Come let the mackerel soused be brought, the pigeon- 
 pie, the tongue, 
 The cider-cup and straws, and let the radishes be 
 
 young ; 
 Oh ! William, bring the radishes, and, William, bring 
 
 them young." 
 
22 THE SUPPER OF THE FOUR. 
 
 Cut speculator, 
 
 " Commons for five, sir, pigeon-pie, I'm ordered to 
 
 provide. 
 And beer as usual, I suppose, and cider-cup beside. 
 The mackerel soused, sir, shall be brought, and ham, 
 
 and lamb, and tongue. 
 And potted meats, and salad too, and radishes, sir, 
 
 young ; 
 I'll get them if 1 can, and, sir, I'll try to get them 
 
 young." 
 
 Horrendd post ccenam 'voce cantantes cceteros sic exciplt 
 
 Rlcardus hospes : 
 
 " Coenavimus ; but howl not thus : let our Noachian 
 
 song 
 
 Float on the air so tunefully the dean may feel no 
 
 wrong." 
 
 Noachii carminis epitome : 
 
 " St. James's Park received the ark on its primeval 
 
 tide,* 
 All creatures wild thereto beguiled were stabled safe 
 
 inside ; 
 
 * " Old Father Noah, he built him an ark. 
 
 And set it afloat in St. James's Park, &c." — SoNG. 
 
THE SUPPER OF THE FOUR. 23 
 
 By ones, by pairs, they mount the stairs, they mount 
 
 by threes and fours, 
 Fowls came from perches, beasts from lairs, and 
 
 thronged about the doors 
 By five, by six, by seven, by eight, by nine, by ten, by 
 
 scores." 
 
 Turn sol'tto h'llarior factus hospes olim trist'tssimus 
 
 exclamat : 
 
 " Hurrah ! to-night my heart is light ! no blues I'll 
 
 conjure up, 
 But drown the demons out of sight in a draught of 
 
 cider-cup ; 
 We'll drain it dry, then let us try to soothe oui 
 
 temperate mirth. 
 The comfort of post-prandial pipe, ere each one seek 
 
 his berth, 
 May health to all our friends and bane to all our foes 
 
 be given !" 
 
 Proplnant omnes^ 
 
 Now for the pipe and then to sleep, like to the sleepers 
 
 seven, 
 From toil and boose to snore and snooze sound as 
 
 the sleepers seven. 
 
( 24 ) 
 
 THE WHOLE HOG. 
 
 There was a youth who'd pondered much, 
 
 And come to the conclusion, 
 That all things here beneath the moon 
 
 Are but a vain delusion. 
 So he went in for the total hog. 
 
 The short life and the merry, 
 Laid in a stock of strong cigars, 
 
 And ran a bill for sherry. 
 
 In soft armchair behold him now ' 
 
 Luxuriously reclining, 
 With half a score of other fools 
 
 All smoking and all wining, 
 While as he puffs with listless eyes, 
 
 His clouds of smoke uprising. 
 His cogitations shape themselves 
 
 In such soliloquising : 
 
THE WHOLE HOG. ' 25 
 
 " All hail tobacco ! weed maligned, 
 
 Since you were roundly cursed, 
 And in a royal counterblast 
 
 Blown up by James the First. 
 
 " To hear such bigots rave and vent 
 
 On you their pious spleen, 
 One might suppose that e'en hot Nick 
 
 Must be in Nicotine. 
 
 " Wine's often apt to turn the head, 
 
 And turn the stomach too, 
 And cards are scarcely pleasant when 
 
 You're losing fast at loo. 
 
 " Tobacco will not treat you so. 
 
 And spill you from your chair, 
 He will not empty out your purse, 
 
 And fill you full of care. 
 
 " So when all things go well with me. 
 
 And quiet is the world, 
 'Tis thus I lie and watch my wreaths 
 
 Of fragrant smoke upcurled. 
 
26 THE WHOLE HOG. 
 
 " And when the world goes wrong with me, 
 With troubles when oppressed, 
 
 Of all the antidotes for blues 
 The peaceful pipe is best. 
 
 " Now pass the bottle round again, 
 
 And fill me up once more ; 
 Libations, Baccy, unto thee 
 
 For ever let me pour. 
 
 >> 
 
 Thus far the youth : then sudden stopped. 
 
 And sighed, for now indeed he 
 Began to feel all over him 
 
 Sensations queer and seedy. 
 The room ran round ; in dizzy maze 
 
 The walls and pictures flew ; 
 And where before one lamp he saw, 
 
 There now seemed dancing two. 
 
 Three moments brief he sat and stared. 
 Now paling and now flushing, 
 
 Then from his chair rose like a ghost. 
 And to the coal-box rushing. 
 
THE WHOLE HOG. 27 
 
 Poured many a full libation out 
 
 With quick convulsive motion, 
 Such as from steamboats qualmish souls 
 
 Pour to the troubled ocean. 
 
 Long time he lay and rolled his eyes 
 
 Like ducks in thunder dying ; 
 Hours came and went, and still all night 
 
 He tossed, lamenting, sighing : 
 "Oh dear ! if this is the total hog, 
 
 For me he's much too big ; 
 It's clear that I can only go 
 
 A very little pig." 
 
 So this gay youth he pondered more, 
 
 And reached a new conclusion, 
 That, after all, this mortal world 
 
 Is real and no delusion. 
 He left off going the total hog. 
 
 The short life and the merry. 
 Sold off his stock of strong cigars. 
 
 And paid his bill for sherry. 
 
( 28 ) 
 
 THE UNDERGRAD. 
 (After Tennyson.) 
 His fists across his breast he laid. 
 
 h 
 
 He was more mad than words can say ; 
 Bareheaded rushed the Undergrad 
 
 To mingle in November's fray. 
 In cap and gown a don stepped down 
 
 To meet and greet him on his way ; 
 *' It is no wonder," said his friends, 
 
 " He has been di'inking half the day." 
 
 All black and blue, like cloud and skies. 
 
 Next day that proctor's face was seen ; 
 Bruised were his eyebrows, bruised his eyes, 
 
 Bruised was his nose and pummelled mien. 
 So dire a case, such black disgrace. 
 
 Since Oxford was had never been ; 
 That Undergrad took change of air 
 
 At the suggestion of the dean. 
 
( 29 ) 
 
 TO MY SCOUT. 
 
 After a Smash (and Tennyson.) 
 
 Break, break, break ! 
 
 Plate, and decanter, and glass ! 
 It's enough to worry a cherub, 
 
 And loosen the tongue of an ass. 
 It's all very well to declare 
 
 That your " helbow" caught in the door, 
 And your " fut" must 'ave 'itched in a nail. 
 
 And you're very sorry, you're sure. 
 And I'm veiy hard up just now, 
 
 Three troublesome duns to stop, 
 But I wish I'd only got half the coin 
 
 I've paid to that cliina-shop. 
 Break, break, break ! 
 
 You must order another new set. 
 It's good for trade ; but I'd like to know 
 
 What is the commission* you get ? 
 
 * Certain tradesmen at Oxford allow college servants a 
 commission on orders brought to them. 
 
( 30 ) 
 
 TO THE SAME AT BREAKFAST. 
 (After Longfellow.) 
 
 Don't tell me in cheerful numbers 
 
 That the jug is full of cream ! 
 For the milkman's conscience slumbers, 
 
 And things are not what they seem ! ^ 
 
( 31 ) 
 
 THE WALLFLOWERS. 
 
 (After Longfellow.) 
 
 Two belated men from Oxford, 
 Members of a nameless college — 
 Pip, the philosophic smoker. 
 And his friend they called the Fluifer — 
 Men belated in the country. 
 Lost their way geologising ; 
 Reached the city after midnight. 
 After lawful hour of entry, 
 By the gateway of the college. 
 And they did not rouse the porter. 
 For they knew the dean was wraihRiI, 
 And had vowed a weighty vengeance 
 If a man knocked in belated. 
 
 But they gat them round a back way, 
 Where a wall divides the college 
 
32 THE WALLFLOWERS. 
 
 From intrusion of the vulgar. 
 Stole they down a lonely footpath, 
 And they halted where a sapling 
 Very near the wall was growing ; 
 And above an ancient elm-tree 
 Stretched a downward arm in welcome 
 To embrace the little sapling. 
 
 Each in turn his toe adapted 
 Where a crevice in the stonework, 
 In the worn and ancient stonework, 
 Gave a short precarious foothold 
 While they climbed the little sapling. 
 Pip had scaled the wall, and, sitting. 
 Helped the Fluffer struggling upwards, 
 When a Bobby, a policeman, 
 Irreproachable policeman. 
 Came upon them round the corner, 
 And remarked, " Gents, I have caught you ; 
 You're a pretty pair of wallflowers!" 
 Then the Fluffer answered briefly, 
 Answered, " Bobby, you have caught us," 
 And the careful Pip, the smoker, 
 
THE WALLFLOWERS. 33 
 
 From his seat upon the wall-top, • 
 
 Echoed, " I believe you've caught us." 
 But the Bobby, the policeman, 
 
 Said, " I have not seen you do it — 
 
 Seen you over any wall get ; 
 
 And perhaps I should not see you, 
 
 If I happened to be looking 
 
 In an opposite direction, 
 
 With my back turned right upon you." 
 
 Nothing further said the Bobby, 
 
 IiTeproachable policeman, 
 
 Only grinned, and seemed to linger. 
 
 Quick then Pip pulled up the FlufFer, 
 And inquired, " Old fellow, FlufFer, 
 Have you any coin about you ?" 
 And the FlufFer from his pockets 
 Brought the bob, the silver shilling, 
 And the piece of six, the tizzy, 
 And the piece of fom-, the joey. 
 And the double bob, the florin. 
 Down he threw them on the pathway ; 
 Then the Bobby, the policeman, 
 
34 THE WALLFLOWERS. 
 
 Picked them up, and whispered softly, 
 Somebody had dropped some money. 
 He was lucky to have found it. 
 
 After that did Pip, the smoker, 
 And his friend they called the FlufFer, 
 Get across the wall securely ; 
 But the Bobby, the policeman, 
 Irreproachable policeman. 
 Did not see them get across It ; 
 For he happened to be looking 
 In an opposite direction. 
 And his back was turned upon them. 
 
( 35 ) 
 
 THE SCHOOLMASTER'S SQUINT. 
 
 " Schoolmaster, give me, pray, a hint, 
 
 What is the reason that you squint ? 
 
 Your right eye stares straight, fierce, and full, 
 
 As visual organ of a bull ; 
 
 Your left asserts, to earthward thrown, 
 
 An independence of its own, 
 
 And like a half-set sun lies hid, 
 
 Half-covered by its lower lid. 
 
 The one so wondrous large and big is, 
 
 The other small as eye of pig is. 
 
 But when I knew you long ago 
 
 Your eyes were not distorted so. 
 
 O ! master, give me, pray, a hint, 
 
 And tell the reason why you squint." 
 
36 THE SCHOOLMASTERS SQUINT. 
 
 " To keep in awe unruly boys 
 
 My right eye's utmost power employs. 
 
 All day it glares stern and severe, 
 
 Like eye of Ancient Marinere ; 
 
 It holds the quailing class in thrall, 
 
 And order reigns from wall to wall. 
 
 Meanwhile my left eye's downward look 
 
 Is fixed on papers, desk, and book. 
 
 At first I found it hard to do. 
 
 But by degrees the habit grew ; 
 
 And now for ever, fast as flint 
 
 Is fixed these orbs' divergent squint." 
 
( 37 ) 
 
 A VALENTINE. 
 
 What ? lady, did they really say 
 That you're a perfect fright ? 
 
 So will not I ; I would not be 
 So truly unpolite. 
 
( 38 ) 
 
 TO L. P. ON TAKING HIS DEGREE, 
 (After Shakspeare, in <*Cymbeline.") 
 
 Fear no more the voice of the don, 
 
 Nor the oft-cut tutor's rages, 
 Thou thy Oxford course hast run. 
 
 And art numbered with the sages. 
 All Oxford men, it's my belief. 
 Must graduate or come to grief. 
 
 Fear no more the snarl of the sub.,* 
 Thou art past that tyrant's stroke. 
 
 No more buttery, beer, and grub. 
 No more rows with sported oak ! 
 
 Even X himself, it's my belief. 
 
 Must graduate or come to grief! 
 
 * Sub- Warden, Sub-Eectors, &c. 
 
TO L. P. ON TAKING HIS DEGREE. 39 
 
 Fear no more the bull-dog's dash, 
 
 Nor pursuing proctor's tone. 
 Fear not rustication rash, 
 
 Thou art now a graduate grown ! 
 All we, like thee, it's my belief. 
 Must do the same or come to grief! 
 
 No dun's accountant harm thee ! 
 No ugly woman charm thee ! 
 Tick unpaid forbear thee ! 
 Never bill come near thee ! 
 Prosper, flourish, gain renown. 
 Ere you take the master's gown ! 
 
( 40 ) 
 
 JOHN FLINN'S EPITAPH. 
 
 Si lingua centum sinty oraque centum 
 
 Ferrea vox f 
 
 John Flinn about the noon of life 
 Screwed up his courage, took a wife ; 
 But from the day he wed Miss Cloggs, 
 His life was worse than any dog's. 
 Far fewer brains had Dinah got 
 Than fall to other women's lot ; 
 Impartial Nature, compensating, 
 Had given her wondrous skill in rating, 
 Granted stentorian powers of lung, 
 Unwearying jaw and vigorous tongue. 
 Continually her voice snarled on, 
 Abusing, scolding, threatening John : 
 All day she brawled, all night she nagged, 
 She never tired and never flagged. 
 
JOHN FLINN'S EPITAPH. 41 
 
 Thin by degrees and pale he grew, 
 And underneath his eyes was blue ; 
 The hair upon his head turned grey, 
 And still got scantier every day. 
 At last he took to bed, and there 
 Close by his side she placed her chair. 
 The neighbours came to say farewell ; 
 His griefs the poor soul dare not tell. 
 Only he said : " Oh ! neighbours mine. 
 What ails me thus ye may divine. 
 In ancient times strong Samson slew 
 A thousand men — a feat to do ! 
 And fate like theirs is mine to-day ; 
 Solve me this riddle, neighbours, pray." 
 He said : he shook his head, he sighed. 
 He gasped, he guggled, and he died. 
 The neighbours buried him, and put 
 Stone at the head and at the foot. 
 These simple words they graved to show 
 What end he met who lay below : 
 " John Flinn lies here beneath the grass, 
 Slain by the jawbone of an ass." 
 
( 42 ) 
 
 HOW TO SLEEP SOUNDLY. 
 
 Fast asleep he lay, 
 
 And they could not wake him ; 
 Vain it was to shout, 
 
 Vain to pinch and shake him. 
 Trumpets in his ear 
 
 Blew they, made a bustle, 
 Yet he did not stir, 
 
 Did not move a muscle. , 
 
 Fifty cats they fetched, 
 
 Awful caterwaulers ; 
 Fifty babies too, 
 
 Warranted loud squallers ; 
 Sixty German bands, 
 
 Sixty hurdy-gurdies. 
 And the din they made 
 
 Was a " cautio sui-dis.*' 
 
HOW TO SLEEP SOUNDLY. 43 
 
 They In doing thus 
 
 Were mistaken grossly, 
 On he slept in spite, 
 
 Soundly, comatosely. 
 But at last they brought 
 
 From a ranter's chapel, 
 Boanerges Bigg, 
 
 With the case to grapple. 
 Boanerges was 
 
 Styled a local preacher. 
 All his words he blew 
 
 Through his nasal feature : 
 Boanerges was 
 
 Styled a preacher local, 
 And on heaven and earth, 
 
 Sea and sky did so call 
 That in forty winks 
 
 He aroused the sleeper ; 
 Would have roused him too. 
 
 Had he slept much deeper. 
 After brandy neat 
 
 Friends had made him toss off, he 
 
44 HOW TO SLEEP SOUNDLY. 
 
 Said, " I took up * Pro- 
 verbial Philosophy/ 
 
 And I tried to read 
 
 That book after supper ; 
 
 This was the result. 
 
 Author's name is Tupper." 
 
( 45 ) 
 
 TEETOTALLERS' LOGIC. 
 
 MAJOR PREMISE. 
 
 Those who drink the smallest drop 
 
 Of liquor alcoholic, 
 Are doomed, as sure as eggs are eggs, 
 
 To tortures diabolic. 
 Whoever takes a glass or two 
 
 Has need of my monition. 
 He's going by the straighest route 
 
 To out and out perdition. 
 For one who drinks his half-a-pint 
 
 Yet more and more will drink, sir, 
 That when he's had enough he'll stop, 's 
 
 Improbable I think, sir. 
 He'll swill and swill till he's a sot, 
 
 And gets delirium tremens ; 
 And after that I need not prove 
 
 He's booked for all the demons. 
 
46 TEETOTALLERS' LOGIC. 
 
 MINOR PREMISE. 
 
 Smith, Brown, and Jones are working men. 
 
 And when the day is done, sir, 
 Discuss a quart of measure short. 
 
 But never more than one, sir. 
 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 Therefore both Smith, and Brown, and Jones, 
 
 Have need of my monition. 
 Because they're going, sure as eggs, 
 
 The straight way to perdition. 
 Though now they take a little drop, 
 
 Yet more and more they'll swill, sir ;» 
 D' you think they'll stop when they've enough ? 
 
 Oh no ! they never will, sir. 
 They'll drain their pots till they are sots. 
 
 And get delirium tremens. 
 Then down they'll go, and there below 
 
 They'll hob-nob with the demons. 
 
( 47 ) 
 
 SERVE HIM RIGHT. 
 
 In Two Fyttes. 
 
 fytte i. how i escaped. 
 
 You call me sour old bachelor, 
 
 And ask, " Why am I so ?" 
 Well, listen to a tale I'll tell 
 
 Of twenty years ago, 
 When I was very nearly caught 
 
 In matrimonial ties ; 
 Why such was not my dismal lot 
 
 Now hearken and be wise. 
 
 Let me confess in verdant youth 
 I was, like others, gay ; 
 
 According as the proverb says, 
 Each puppy has his day — 
 
48 SERVE HIM RIGHT. 
 
 Like other proverbs, half the truth, 
 
 For if I judge aright, 
 Wild nocturn caterwaulings tell 
 
 That each cat has his night. 
 
 I loved a lady long ago, 
 
 Fair, young, and rich was she, 
 And 'twould be but the truth if I 
 
 Declared that she loved me. 
 Her " dear papa" was pleased for her 
 
 My offer to receive. 
 And "dear ma" thought me quite a catch 
 
 I really do believe. 
 
 But woe is me — that is, I mean, 
 
 I met with a mishap : 
 Dame Fortune, as the poets say, 
 
 Expelled me from her lap. 
 Her " dear pa" was an Englishman, 
 
 Bluff, portly, kind, and hearty. 
 And in the fulness of his heart 
 
 Would give a little party. 
 
SERVE HIM RIGHT. 4& 
 
 I was invited, and beside 
 
 Some thirty-six or more, 
 And danced — St. Vitus ! how I danced ! — 
 
 Until my feet were sore, 
 For I danced with my intended, 
 
 And said soft things in her ear. 
 Till oh, my heart ! adown her cheek 
 
 There stole a smiling tear. 
 
 She'd left her handkerchief upstairs ;* 
 
 To fetch it I was sent. 
 While the party all across the hall 
 
 To eat their supper went. 
 I soon secured the precious rag. 
 
 And kissed it o'er and o'er, 
 Then hasting to rejoin my love. 
 
 Rushed madly through the door. 
 
 A sneaking housemaid with her pails 
 
 Was slowly passing by. 
 And right against her heedlessly — 
 
 Sing sorrow ! did I fly. 
 
 * 'Cording to the top-ography of this house, the drawin'- 
 room where they was dancing was up-stairs, eh ? — P.'s D. 
 
50 SERVE HIM RIGHT. 
 
 Down went the maid, and down went I, 
 And down came pails and all, 
 
 Down came the banisters and lamp 
 Into the darkened hall. 
 
 My lady love all innocence 
 
 Was waiting me below. 
 And near her crashed the broken lamp, 
 
 And near with screams and woe 
 That yelling housemaid fell, and then — 
 
 Alas ! my courage fails — 
 Then on her head — it must be said — 
 
 Were poured out both the pails. 
 
 Out rushed the guests, and in their hands 
 
 The candles flickered dim ; 
 Behind them came her " dear papa ;'* 
 
 His face was red and grim. 
 He seized me by the collar, and 
 
 My best dress-shirt he tore ; 
 He shook me as a dog a rat. 
 
 And kicked me through the door ! 
 
SERVE HIM RIGHT. 51 
 
 Then I was sorely grieved, but now 
 
 I think it did me good, 
 For since that I've enjoyed myself, 
 
 As ne'er before I could. 
 A bachelor's life's the only life 
 
 Worth living for at all. 
 A wife's best black may help to weave 
 
 Her husband's funeral pall. 
 
 Ye who are married must be still. 
 
 So live and love till death ; 
 But to the single I say " Don't," 
 
 As Punch so wisely saith. 
 Now this the little moral is 
 
 I'll fix unto my tale : 
 Don't marry, and don't hurry, and 
 
 Don't spill the housemaid's pail. 
 
 FYTTE II. CAUGHT AT LAST. 
 
 Oh ! listen all, both great and small. 
 
 To what I've been and done ; 
 I that before so stoutly swore 
 
 That I would marry none. 
 
52 SERVE HIM RIGHT. 
 
 Confounded be that scheming she ! 
 
 Confound that little ring ! 
 Confound myself whose love of pelf 
 
 Did all this bother bring. 
 
 Yes, pity me, for I am he, 
 
 The very man who shaped 
 In happier day that joyful lay 
 
 That told "How I escaped.'* 
 But now I've been most sadly green ; 
 
 I'm married to a wife ; 
 But such a " do" I never knew — 
 
 No, never in my life. 
 
 t 
 
 For some time by housekeepers I 
 
 Was fain to be content 
 To manage the domestic part 
 
 Of my establishment. 
 But there was always something wrong ; 
 
 Such rows from morn to night, 
 That I concluded I must get 
 
 A spouse to set things right. 
 
SERVE HIM EIGHT. . 53 
 
 Now there was a maiden lady (oh ! ) 
 
 Who lived across the road ; 
 In fact, she lived just opposite 
 
 The house where I abode. 
 She had eight hundred pounds a year, 
 
 As very well I knew, 
 So to myself I said, " I think 
 
 This lady just will do." 
 
 Oh, what an ass I made myself 
 
 When I began to court ! 
 I used to call her angel, though 
 
 Both ugly, fat, and short ; 
 Her poodle dogs, tom-cats, and she's, 
 
 For nothing came amiss. 
 In the depth of my devotion to 
 
 My dearest, I would kiss. 
 
 The week after we were married I 
 
 Was standing at my door, 
 When there trotted up a waggonette. 
 
 And stopped my gate before. 
 
54 SERVE HIM RIGHT. 
 
 Eight childi'en tumbled out, and cried, 
 
 " Oh, here's our new papa !" 
 " How now ?" said I. " You little scamps, 
 
 I don't know who you are." 
 
 Out rushed my newly-wedded bride. 
 
 And kissed each wretched child. 
 Oh, sirs ! I turned as pale as death ; 
 
 My heart was throbbing wild, 
 When she coolly said, "Adolphus, here's 
 
 Our family, you see. 
 Ah, what a happy circle, dear 
 
 Adolphus, we shall be !" 
 
 " A — what ? a — what ? Our family ?" 
 
 (For I could scarcely speak). 
 " My dear, you must be joking ; we've 
 
 Been married but a week !" 
 " Ha ! ha!" she laughed ; "you playful man ; 
 
 My husband who is dead 
 Is the father of these dear ones, who 
 
 By you must now be fed." 
 
SERVE EIM RIGHT. 55 
 
 Then the children laughed in concert like 
 
 Young demons, " Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 Oh, isn't this a jolly sell 
 
 For our dear new papa ?" 
 " Keep up your pecker, pa," cried one, 
 
 " And keep your temper down." 
 Another said he thought that pa 
 
 Was done " uncommon brown." 
 
 At last I answered, " Madam, well, 
 
 You've got me unawares, 
 I wish I'd known beforehand the 
 
 Real state of your affairs. 
 Never mind, with this reflection I'll 
 
 Contrive myself to cheer. 
 That I've got, besides eight children, your 
 
 Eight hundred pounds a year." 
 
 Again she laughed and ran to me, 
 
 And kissed me on the cheek. 
 And said to me, " You darling man, 
 
 How simply you do speak ! 
 
56 SERVE HIM BIGHT. 
 
 " For 'twas only settled on me by 
 That husband who is dead, 
 
 As long as I stay single, and 
 I lose it when I wed." 
 
 As a general rule in what I say 
 
 Most scrupulous I am, 
 And my demeanour is most meek 
 
 And quiet as a lamb. 
 But then I must acknowledge that 
 
 I quite forgot propriety, 
 And said some things folks never say. 
 
 At least in good society. 
 
 A sort of scrimmage then ensued, 
 
 I scarce remember how ; 
 I only know Susanna's nails 
 
 Ploughed furrows in my brow. 
 I rather think that in my rage 
 
 I seized her by the hair, 
 I know a monstrous wig came off 
 
 Her shining head, and bare ! 
 
SERVE HIM RIGHT. 57 
 
 I tore it into atoms and 
 
 I threw it in her face, 
 And ran as fast as I could go 
 
 From that detested place, 
 Embarked on board a vessel for 
 
 Australia that was bound, 
 And after four months* voyage I 
 
 Arrived there safe and sound. 
 
 One day when I'd been there a month 
 
 I sauntered out to see 
 The vessels in the harbour, and 
 
 I strolled along the quay. 
 When I heard a well-known voice cry out, 
 
 *< I'm safe, Adolphus dear ! 
 And I've left the children sitting by 
 
 The luggage on the pier." 
 
 Human nature couldn't stand it, 
 
 So with a desperate bound 
 I sprang into the water with 
 
 Intention to be di'owned. 
 
58 SERVE HIM RIGHT. , 
 
 > 
 
 " Fifty guineas to whoever brings 
 Him out alive !" she cried ; 
 
 And in half a minute more a boat 
 Had rowed up close beside. 
 
 A sailor caught me by my hair 
 
 And pulled me nearly in, 
 When gliding through the water was 
 
 Espied a long black fin. 
 '* A shark !" they yelled ; it made a rush, 
 
 And seized me by the calf, 
 A horrid crush of bones ensued — 
 
 My leg was bit in half! 
 
 I paid that fifty guineas down, 
 
 I got another leg ; 
 Ten thousand pardons for the past 
 
 I was obliged to beg. 
 Now as I write my tale of woe 
 
 I tremble like a kitten ; 
 I know there'll be another row 
 
 When SHE reads what I've written. 
 
SER VE HIM Rl GET. 59 
 
 Moral. 
 
 Of widows, then, beware, young men, 
 
 And never be so rash. 
 For money's sake a wife to take 
 
 Whose only virtue's cash. 
 Take my advice, look sharp and " splice, " 
 
 For every mortal man 
 Should make his hay on sunny day. 
 
 And marry while he can. 
 
 Young ladies, too, I'd counsel you 
 
 Never your ears to stop, 
 But hear their prayer when lovers dare 
 
 The question great to pop ; 
 Lest by your scorn they get forlorn, 
 
 And take to suicide, 
 And leave you lone through life to moan 
 
 You never were a bride ! 
 
 1865. 
 
( 60 ) 
 
 A FAREWELL, 
 
 After Sleeping in — - — Hotel (and Tennyson.) 
 
 Bite on, thou pertinacious flea, 
 
 And di'aw the tiny river ; 
 No more for thee my blood shall be, 
 
 For ever and for ever. 
 Bite, fiercely bite, and take with glee 
 
 From each unwilling giver ; 
 No food for thee my blood shall be, 
 
 For ever and for ever. 
 And here will toss some wretched he, 
 
 And here he'll tear and shiver ; 
 Bed-making she will hunt the flea 
 
 For ever and for ever. 
 
 A thousand limbs may smart for thee, 
 
 A thousand skins may quiver ; 
 But not for thee my blood shall be. 
 
 For ever and for ever. 
 
( 61 ) 
 
 THE AMIABLE DUN. 
 
 a fragment. 
 
 (After Tennyson.) 
 
 At breakfast-time he comes and stands, 
 He puts his paper in your hands, 
 He hums and haws, with " ifs" and " ands." 
 
 His hands he laves with unseen soaps,* 
 Thanks you for nothing, says he hopes, 
 Then bows, " Good morning, sir :" he slopes. 
 
 * " Washing his hands with invisible soap 
 In imperceptible water." — Hood. 
 
( 62 ) 
 
 THE CURSE OF THE MUSES. 
 
 A PAGE OF (future) OXFORD HISTORY. 
 
 To a library in Oxford came, 
 
 But not to the Bodleian, 
 Apollo called the Belvidere, 
 
 And Venus Medicean. 
 
 Four students went to view — they were 
 
 Aristocratic scions, 
 Set learning, laws, and letters, and 
 
 ^Esthetics at defiance. 
 
 They came, they saw, and they resolved ; 
 
 Said they, " We will, between us, 
 Do for Apollo Belvidere 
 
 And Medicean Venus. 
 
THE CURSE OF THE MUSES. 63 
 
 They dragged them Into quad, at night, 
 And chopped them into mince-meat ; 
 
 A perfect joke they voted it, 
 And sport for any prince meet. 
 
 The fragments next they burned to dust 
 
 Upon a pyre funereal, 
 Interred the dust in coal-boxes — 
 
 It was a classic burial. 
 
 The Muses looked, and shrieked with rage, 
 
 With rage the Graces quivered ; 
 And thus their curse upon the four 
 
 Iconoclasts delivered : 
 
 " Since ye destroyed the perfect type 
 
 Of god, and man, and woman. 
 Ye shall become more hideous 
 
 Than any being human. 
 
 " Not Rachel's art shall e'er restore 
 
 A single grace of feature. 
 And ye shall be for evermore 
 
 Abhorred of every creature." 
 
64 THE CURSE OF THE MUSES. 
 
 Four scouts came up to summon them 
 Before a college meeting ; 
 
 They fell in fits before they'd time 
 To give their masters greeting. 
 
 Two dons in wrath to fetch them came, 
 
 Stern venerable clerics ; 
 But at the sight of them went off 
 
 In violent hysterics. 
 
 The art professor saw : his brains 
 
 Became as soft as batter, 
 Grew softer, softer, till he was 
 
 As mad as any hatter. 
 
 Even the bold vice-chancellor 
 At sight of them skedaddled ; 
 
 He was too late ; from that day forth 
 His head was slightly addled. 
 
 Where'er they went the people fled. 
 And dogs set up a howling ; 
 
 The cats began to spit and swear 
 
 When they came near them prowling. 
 
' THE CURSE OF THE MUSES. 65 
 
 At last there grew such discontents, 
 
 Complaints, and public shindies. 
 The four were packed in boxes, and 
 
 Shipped off to the West Indies. 
 
 A storm arose : " The ship," said Jack, 
 
 " Of Jonah let us lighten. 
 And heave them out, to see if sharks 
 
 As well as men they'll frighten." 
 
 They heaved : the storm became a calm, 
 
 But it's an open question. 
 Whether or no, soon after that. 
 
 Four sharks had indigestion. 
 
 r 
 
( 66 ) 
 
 THE GREAT BEEYUGEE ; OR, THE 
 ORIGIN OF MAN. 
 
 In the days when earth was empty rolled a planetary 
 
 world, 
 Which by some mishap celestial on another world was 
 
 hurled. 
 And was smashed into a million " moss-grown" bits of 
 
 aerolites t 
 
 (See address of Thompson, first of British scientific 
 
 wights).* 
 
 * " We must regard it as probable in the highest degree 
 that there are countless seed-bearing meteoric stones moving 
 about space. The hypothesis that life originated on this 
 earth from moss-grown fragments of the ruins of another 
 world may seem wild and visionary : it is not unscientific." — 
 Inaugural Address of Sir W. Thompson, President of the 
 British Association, lEdinhurgh, August, 1871. 
 
THE GREAT BEEYUGEE. 67 
 
 All the creatures living on it perished in that awful 
 
 shock, 
 All except a great Beeyugee, clinging to a piece of rock ; 
 Forty million miles a second did that ark-like fragment 
 
 fall, 
 Till it fell on the primeval surface of this earthly ball. 
 
 Evermore he wandered o'er it, and he felt his spirits 
 
 sink. 
 When upon his isolation sadly he began to think. 
 He had neither nipped nor bitten, he had neither seen 
 
 nor heard. 
 Any other living being, man or beast, or fish or bu'd. 
 
 Sternly standing on his hind legs, he apostrophised the 
 
 sun, 
 As the poet Campbell's Last Man is imagined to have 
 
 done : 
 " You and I, proud sun, are brothers : we are twins in 
 
 loneliness, 
 Of the walk you're cock up yonder, so am I down 
 
 here, I guess. 
 
68 THE GREAT BEEYU GEE; ""^ 
 
 " It is well for you to be so, dull and inorganic mass, 
 Whether 'tis of atmosphere or solid matter dense and 
 
 crass ; 
 What you are the folks can only guess by peeping 
 
 through a prism. 
 But they well know I'm an active, able, living organism. 
 
 " Also I'm a social being — you are obviously not ; 
 I can never be contented with a lone sequestered lot ; 
 You would never murmur though you ranged alone for 
 
 a quintillion 
 Times a myriad myriad cycles, and a billion times a 
 
 billion. . 
 
 Sadly I remember past joys, such as I no longer feel. 
 And I see no future prospect of a single decent meal ; 
 Torn from my fond Beeyugee-ess and my little Bee- 
 
 yugees. 
 How on earth shall I exist here ? Proud sun, answer 
 
 if you please." 
 
OR, THE ORIGIN OF MAN, 69 
 
 Whether these remarks attracted an aerolite from space, 
 Or some other cause produced it, is a thing I cannot trace ; 
 Scarce the Beeyugee had spoken — 'tis the merest fact I 
 
 tell— 
 From the skies another " moss-grown fragment'' close 
 
 beside him fell. 
 
 And upon it there came riding, riding safe and riding free. 
 All the great Beeyugee's kindred, whom he thought no 
 
 more to see ; 
 Oh ! the greeting of that meeting, cause indeed for 
 
 admiration, 
 That the earth was so supplied with her primordial 
 
 population ! 
 
 Now, you Wranglers, hear a statement which will strike 
 
 your science dumb. 
 Thus by Beeyugees on earth was done the first addition 
 
 sum ; 
 
 They were first arithmeticians, with themselves them- 
 selves allying, 
 
 Were the first terrestrial creatures who could manage 
 multiplying. 
 
70 THE GREAT BEEYUGEE. 
 
 But as they went on increasing transformations strange 
 were seen, 
 
 And descendants hardly seemed like what their ances- 
 tors had been ; 
 
 Next a series of dissensions, long divisions there ensued, 
 
 And a sort of civil war among the Beeyugeeish brood. 
 
 Then the stronger killed the weaker, and in turn them- 
 selves were killed, 
 
 And continual evolution all the world with new forms 
 filled ; 
 
 On from that first Great Beeyugee animal existence ran. 
 
 Till at last it culminated in the lordly shape of man. 
 
 Man, "the heir of all the ages," may forget his low 
 
 descent, 
 Or on modern doctrines of his genesis his mirth may 
 
 vent : 
 Lest he should in pride of reason think there's really 
 
 no connection, 
 Beeyugees refresh themselves while they refresh his 
 
 recollection. 
 
( 71 ) 
 
 THE SWELL'S LAMENT. 
 
 At my dooah one line mawning there came a light 
 
 knock, 
 Which thent thwough my nerveth quite a thwill and a 
 
 thock, 
 When thome one thaid, " Boy, thir, ith born, and bleth 
 
 it, oh ! 
 He'th hith path vewy image — identical ditto." 
 
 I'm a wegular thwell, I am fully awaah ; 
 
 Handthome featureth, fine whithkerth — magnifithent 
 
 haar ; 
 My figure ith faultleth ; my nothe, too ! why, no man 
 Evah thaw thuch a thpethimen of the twue Woman.* 
 
 * Romau. 
 
72 THE SWELL'S LAMENT. 
 
 I thould nevah have thought that a party would tell a 
 Fib, thaying a fellah'th kid wath like a fellah, 
 And rethembled his papa ath much ath two peath, 
 When the two diffah much more than chalk doeth from 
 cheethe. 
 
 I looked at the baby and thaid. " Why, my deah. 
 Don't you think it'th an infant wemarkably queeah ? 
 It'th nothe ith tho pug, and like old Uncle Ned 
 It'th got not a haar on the top of it'th head. 
 
 I feel in my thwoat an unuthual gulp, 
 
 When I thee thith— what Huthxley callth — math* of 
 
 wed pulp ; 
 Am I mad, am I dweaming, or what can it be ? 
 Did they weally obtherve that the boy ith like me ?" 
 
 Then my wife thaid, " Be quiet, you thtoopid thing, do. 
 And kith him thith inthtant, or I won't kith you ; 
 You didn't quite catch what the nurthe thaid it may be, 
 For if he'th not like you, you are jutht like a baby." 
 
 * " One mass of red pulp is much like another." — Hux- 
 ley ON Babies. 
 
( 73 ) 
 
 WE PAUSE FOR A REPLY. 
 (Suggested by a Sketch in the "Graphic") 
 
 " Pray, Mr. Stycke, of No-man's Hall, 
 
 Can you inform us why 
 Augustus was no gentleman ? 
 
 We pause for a reply." 
 
 That undergraduate upraised 
 
 His eyeglass to his eye ; 
 Again in blandest tones was heard, 
 
 "We pause for a reply." 
 
 He crossed his knees and clasped his hands, 
 
 And heaved a hopeless sigh ; 
 The suave examiner remarked, 
 
 " We pause for a reply." 
 
74 WE PAUSE FOR A REPLY. 
 
 Nervous perhaps was Mr. Sty eke ; 
 
 It might be he was shy ; 
 Therefore quoth that examiner, 
 
 " We pause for a reply." 
 
 Away, away, wool-gathering. 
 
 His wits appeared to fly, 
 And still said that examiner, 
 
 " We pause for a reply." 
 
 He stammered, but no answer came; 
 
 It seemed in vain to try ; 
 And though they paused, and paused again, 
 
 They could get no reply. 
 
 He left the schools ; he asked his friends, 
 '* D' you know the reason why ?" 
 
 " Because he once thrashed Ann Tony," 
 Said they ; " that's the reply." 
 
 He sent his scout up to the schools. 
 
 Quoth he, " Go fetch me my 
 Testamur." Then he twirled his thumbs, 
 And paused for a reply. 
 
WE PA USE FOR A REPLY. 75 
 
 The scout went up, the scout came down, 
 
 And sadly said, " Sir, I 
 Have asked the clerk ; he shook his head, 
 
 And gave me no reply." 
 
( 76 ) 
 
 THE TRINITY NIGHTINGALE. 
 
 (Comic Aldrich, Page 7, Example 4.) 
 
 " Last night In our gardens the nightingale sang, 
 And the Hme-walk with wonderful melody rang ; 
 And they say if you listen this evening at ten, 
 You'll be likely to hear the performance again.*' 
 
 After dark, then, the whole population of Trinity 
 Flocked to hear the discourse of the feathered divinity, 
 And the punctual bird, just at ten by the chimes, 
 Sent a sweet prelude echoing far through the limes. 
 
 It sang and it twittered. It thrilled and it trilled. 
 And the souls of the hearers with harmony filled ; 
 When it paused, with suspense sentimental men grew 
 
 sick, 
 And longed for some more of the ravishing music. 
 
THE TRINITY NIGHTINGALE. 77 
 
 No cigar might be lit, lest a pufF of the smoke 
 Should cause the invisible songster to choke ; 
 And when a man ventured to utter a word, 
 It was, " Sh-sh-sh-sh, or you'll frighten the bird." 
 
 Invisible songster ! where could the bird be ? 
 There were dozens of eyes vainly straining to see. 
 At last from a window a voice came which said, 
 " The nightingale's tired, and is going to bed. 
 
 " A glass of pure water see, gentlemen, here, 
 Which accounts for his notes being liquid and clear ; 
 Here's the quill that he piped with, and now you may 
 
 guess 
 That the fine old cock nightingale's only T. S." 
 
V