36ez C66 J8S0 The Critic Richard T.-lrjslery oheridan THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF Kenneth Uaogov/an No. LVL =2ENCH*S STANDARD DRAMA. THE CRITIC: OB. TRAGEDY REHEABSED. % §ramat« f im. wi IN TWO ACTS. BY EIOHARD BRINSLEY SHEEIDAN. ITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, OAST OF CHARAC- TERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. PRICE, 25 CENTS. New York: AMUEL FRENCH Publisher ^li^liiiiiSii^ilS West 45th Street London : SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 26 Southampton Street Strand BILLETED. A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Harwood. 4 males, 5 females. One easy interior scene. A charming comedy, constructed with uncommon skill, and abounds with clever lines. Margaret Anglin's big success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy to produce and popular with all audiences. Price, 60 Cents, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. A comedy in 3 acts. ^ By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 females. Cos= tumes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 2J4 hours. Is it possible to tell the absolute truth — even for twenty-four hours? It is— at least Bob Bennett, the hero of "Nothing But the Truth," accomplished the Confidant Mrs. Bradshaw. " Hughes ' Dyolt Tilburina Miss Pope. " Greene. " Vernoa COSTUMES. DANGLE. — Blue coat, white waistcoat, black pantaloons, black silk stocKia|« &» breeches, ditto silk stockings. pui>>;]s an. pumps 8NEER.— Blue coat, waistcoat, Istchets, and cocked hat. SIR t RETFUL PLAGIARY.— Brown coat, with steel buttons, enihroidend katu wa'st^oat, brown breeches, white s.ik stockings, shoes, buckles, powdered wig aac tail, Ihree-coruered hat lace frit! .-uffles, and gloves, pXipp. — Blue coat, white wautcj^t, black pantaloons, black silk stockings. | -i upi gloves, and cocked hat. Character of the Tragedy. LORD BURLEIGH.— Dark velvet old English dress, with trunks, cloak, and hn' with feathers, red stockings, and russet shoes QOVERNOR OF TILBURY FORT.— Crimson velvet robe, body, and trunks, r.cb ly spangled, crimson stockings, russet boots, hat and feathers, sword, belt ai.i gauntlets, CARL OF LEICESTER Blue or purple velvet body, trunks, and clunk, blui stockings, russet shoes, snord, hat and feathers, aid gauntlets. e4R WALTER RALEIGH.— Brown velvet shape, with clonk, red m is the celebrated Lang- 572874 n BntTORIAL J»T»0DtJCTIO» ford,) which Morton, considering aa fair game, has made t\ el lent use of in Sir Abel Handy 's scene w^th Farmer Ashfield, ii the comedy of • Speed the Plough.' Dangle and Sneer are in- troduced chiefly for the purpose of shewing up iStr Fretful and Puff". Dangle, who is said to have been intended for a Mr. rhomas Vaughan, author of ' The Hotel,' is one of those the- atrical amateurs, who besiege a manager with impertinent flattery and gratuitous advice — one of those green-room loungers, ' Who for a play-koute freedom sell theii' ovm ; ' while Mr. Sneer is one of those carping characters, who Inherit wit in the same degree with the ape, — he has just sufficient to make him mischievous. It would seem that ' The Critic' was intended as a good-humored advertisement to the tragedy-writera of that day, not to offer any more of their productions to the manager of Drury Lane. We have for some time past been wanting just such another seasonable hint to stop the importation of certain tragedies, the authors of which are gentlemen of very violent words with very timorous meanings ; who load their lan- guage with fustian and finery, to hide the poverty and nakednesa of their sentiment. " It is impossible to conceive any thing in comedy finer ttan the original cast of ' The Critic' Dodd, Parsons, Palmer, King, Bannister, and Miss Pope ! Acting never went beyond Parsons in Sir Fretful. Farren is good— Matthews is better — but Par- •ons was supreme. Tom King, as Puff, had an unceasing viva- city, a true comic spirit, a neat and rapid delivery — every word told. This attention to a clear and distinct enunciation made liim one of the best prologue-speakers on the stage. King, to an unblushing effrontery, added considerable smartness and whim In impudent, pragmatical varlets, he was unrivalled. Liston hardly came up to Bannister in £>c;n Fcroio \Vhiskerando$. His acting was certainly inferior. But then Listen's countenance — the antipodes of tragedy — became a thousand times more comical h'om Its ouIt6 association . with daggers and blank verse. The ▼ery Idea that Liston was going to be pathetic was enough to convulse an andience. We have seen him die in e very droll enannei. -but his queer expostulation with Mr PntT, that • ht vmJiin'i *tay dytnf( ail ntghi.' »»*. (lerhaps. bi» most ludicroo^ DITOKi.«l. INTnooUCTIOR t effect It was when LisUin felt his dignity jfl^ndftd. *Dd ai- <•• deavored to appear hurt, that he was most irieeistihie. Sixm Pope, in T\lburina, never h&'\ an eqaai. Her ample hu»>p — b«r Rostume — (stark mad, in white satin ') — her love Icm r»vins;i were the tip-top of burlesque tragedy Often have »•« been ,1« lighted with the humor of this exquisite actress, oi whom Churchill so truly prophecied. Hers was a style, uf whicb mo dem play-goers can have not the least idea It wb» of th^ oi.a school, the result of genius, study and observation Mr. Kaw sett's performance of Pwjf savors too much ol his CauO Quoirm — he repeats the good things, as it were. 6v roir Mi Jonwi b more of the author, who feels some anxiety tvt the sac cess of his tragedy. He has a fidgety impatience about him. to which the peculiarity of his face and figure gives great eflect. He looks like a gentleman who lives by his wits, and who seldom dines, but at other people's expense (>f the history of his mendacious arts, we beheve every word ; w« are certain, in thu imtance, that he is not tilling ne a lie ' We may here remark, that an actor of Moody's genius did not disdain the character of Lord Burleigh, in which • Mure is meant than meets the ear '•' out Moody could do more by a single shake oj the *ifad, than many who, in the prfisent day, are accounted good comedians, oan do by chattering and grinning for an hour upon the stretch" Prom this description it will be seen of what consequence the smallest characters in this admirable farce were consid ered in the palmy days of the theatre. The starring system has broken op the old schools of acting; and now. in order to (tee a prominent part well played, we must be content ij have all the others of a play indifferently represented. TTj« Otrtf was first acted at Drury Lane in the yea? 1779, an J h ;» always 4 favorit« piecfc upon the American stag* THE CRITIC ACT I . Scene I. — Breakfast table,with crjfte-cquijmge, two hatrt Mr. (l.) and Mrs. Dangle, (r.) discovered at break fast, reading newspaper. Dan. [Reading.] Pshaw! — N • 'thing out pr>litic8 — and I hate all politics but theatrical pohtics. — VVhere's th« Miiniiiig Chronicle ? Mrs. D. Yes, that's yuui Gazetto. Dan. So, here we have it. — " Theatrical intelligence extraordinary.'' — We kcar tketf is a new tragedy m rehearsal at Drury Lane Theatre, called- the * Spanish Armada,' said to be written by Mr. Puff", a gentleman well knoivu m the theatrical world : ij \ct may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the performers, toho, truth to say, are in general hut indi^ertnt judfi^es, this pie:e abounds with the most striking and re- ceived beauties of modern composition.'' — So ! 1 am very gla«l my friend Puff"'s tragedy is in such forwardness. — Mrs. Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to hear thai Puti'^s tragedy — Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me nbout such nonsense? — Now the plays are begun, I shall have no peace. — Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridi culous by your passion for the theatre, without continual- ly teazing me to join you / Why can't you ride youi hobby-horse without desiring to place me on a pillion b«> oind you, Mr. Dangle ? Dan. Nay, my dear, I wai* only g"irg to read- Mr* D. No, no, you will never read anything that'i THa c:i.;r(i«. woi'wh lifltorlng to ;— haven't you made yourself the jert of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business ? Are you not called a thea- trical Quidnunc, and a mock Maecenas to second-hand au- thors? Dan. True ; my power with the Managers ts pretty notorious ; but is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest ? — From lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from authors to get an swers, and from actors to get engagements. Mrs. 1). Ves, tnily; you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property, with- out the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it. Dan. 1 am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser by it, however; you have all the advantages of it: mightn't you, last winter, have had the reading of the new panta nwne a fortnight previous to it j performance ? And doesn't Mr. Notter let you take places for a play before it is advertised, and set you down for a box for every new piece through the season 1 And didn't my tiiend, Mr Smaller, dedicate his last farce to you, at my particulai request, Mrs. Dangle 1 Mrs. D. [Rising.^ Yes, but wasn't the farce damned, Mr. Dangle ? And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature. Lan. Mrs. Dangle, Mrs. Dangle, you will not easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in ue- mg at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them to decide for ihe whole town, whose opinion and patron age all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no ma nager dares refuse I Mrs. D. Ridiculous ! — Both managers and authors ot the least merit laugh at your pretensions. The Public is their Critic — without whose fair approbation they know no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the ma- lice of them, where they can't at the wit. Dan, Very well, madam, very welL Enter Servant, l. Sciv Mr Sueei, sir. to wait on yoa. TBS .anic. • Dan. Oh, show Mr Sneer up. [Exit Servant, t j Plague •n't, now we must appear loving and affectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story. Mr». D. With all my heart ; yuu can't bo more ridicu lous than you are. Dan. You are enough to provoke— Enter Ma. Sneer, l. Ha. my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. My dear, here's Mr. Sneer; Mr. Sneer, my dear; my dear. Mr. Sneer. Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir. Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves with the papers. Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Dmry Lane theatre the first night of PufTs tragedy ? Sneer. Yes ; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the bouse with nrdei-s to support it. But here. Dangle, 1 have brought you two pieces, one of which you must ex- ert yourself to make the managers accept, I can tell you that, for 'tis written by a person of consequence. [Gives Dangle two manuscripts. Dan. [Reading.] "Bursts into tears, and exit." What, U this a tragedy ? Sneer. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a translation — only taken from the French ; it is written in a style which they have lately tiied to run down ; the true sentimental, and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end. Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, 1 should not liave been such an enemy to the stage ; there was some edification to be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer. Sneer. [Crossing, ci\ I am quite of your opinion, Mis 1 )angle. Dan. [Looking at the other MS.\ But what have we here ? — "This seems a very odd— Sneer. Oh, that's a comedy, on a very new plan ; re- plete with wit and miith, yet of a most serious moral! You see it is called " The Reformed Housebreaker ;'* where, by the mere force of humour, housebreaking is put into 80 ridiculous a light, that if the piece has its pro- oei run, 1 have no doubt but that bolts and ba -s wiU b# entiiely useless by the end of the season. 10 THF CRTTir &.(n i Dan. Ef^ad, this is new, indeed! Sneer. Yes; it is written iiy a paiticulir fritnid of mine, who has discovered that the foHies and foibles of society are subjects unworthy notice of tlie Comic Muse, whc should be taught to sloop only at the greater vices and olacker crimes of humanity — gibbetting capital ofibnces in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies hi two. — Ib short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Olfl Bailey. Dan. That is to unite poetry and justice indeed ! Enter Servant, l. Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. Dan. Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant, l.j Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to youi own taste. Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because every body else abuses him. Sneer. Vei-y much to the credit of your charity, madam, if not ©f your judgment. Pan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author birt Himself, that's the truth on't — though he's my friend. Sneer. Never ! He is as envious as an old maid verg- ing on the desperation of eix-and-thiiity. Dan. Very true, egad — though he's my friend Sneer. Then his aflected contempt of all newspape; strictures; though, at the same time, he is iIk; sorest man alive, and shrinks, like scorched panhment, from the fiei-y ordeal of ti-ue criticism. Dan. There's no denying it — though he is my fiiend. Srner. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, kaven't you 1 Dan. Oh, yes; he sent it to me yesterday. Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you ? Dan. Wliy, between ourselves, egad I must own — hough he's my friend — that it is one of the most — He's here — [Aside.] finished and most admirable pei-form — Sir F. [ Without, L.j Mr. Sneer with him, did you say 1 Enter Sm Fbetful, l. He crosses to i.. c. Dan. Ah, my deai friend ! — Egad, we were just spsak- 'n*? of your tragedy. — Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable* Scene I.] rtiE CRITIC. i ,, Sneer, (u. c.) You never did auy thing beyond it iSii Fretful — never in your life. Sir F. (l. c.) You make me extremely hap^Dy ; foi without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose judgment I value as I do yours — and Mr. Bangle's. Mrs. D. (r.) They are only laughing at you, Sir Fret- ful, for it was but just now that — Dan. (L.) Mrs. Dangle ! Ah, Sir Fretfiil, you know Mrs. Dangle. My friend, Sneer, was rallying just now — He knows how she admires you, and — Sir F. Oh, Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste and sincerity than lo—\Aside^ A damned double-faced fellow ! Dan. Yes, y.es — Sneer will jest — but a better humour- ed — Sir F. Oh, I know- Daw, He has a ready turn for ridicule — his wit costs him nothing. Sir F. \Aside.\ No, egad — or I should wonder how he came by it. Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the managers yet 1 or can I be of any service to you ? Sir F. No, no, I thank you ; I sent it to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. Sneer. I should have thought, now, that it might have been cast (as the actors call it,) better at Drury Lane. Sir F. Oh, lud ! no — never send a play there while 1 live — harkee ! [ Whispers Sneer. Sneer. " Writes himself!" I know he does — Sir F. I say nothing — I take away from no man's merit — am hurt at no man's good fortune — I say nothing — But this I will say — through all my knowledge of life, I have obsei-\'ed — that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as en\'y ! Sneer, I believe you have reason for what you say, in- deed. Sir F. Besides — I can tell you it is not always so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who write them- selves. Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey. my dea? Plagiai-v ? 1» fHI :RITTC. ,Art» Sir F. Steal I — to be sure they may j ai d, egad, sei-ve /our best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children— disfigure them to make 'em pass for their own. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpo mene, and he, you know, never — Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous plagiarist may Jo anything. — Why, sir, fiar aught I know, he might take out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his own comedy. Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the leasS hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the whole — Dan. If it succeeds. •Sir F. Aye — but with regard to this piece, I think I can hit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never read it. Sneer. I'll tell you how you may hurt him more- Sir F. How ] Sneer. Swear he wrote it. Sir F. Plague on't now. Sneer, 1 shall take it ill. I relieve you want to take away my character as an author I Sneer. Then 1 am sure you ought to be veiy much obliged Lo me. Sir F. Hey !— Sir I Dan. Oh, you know, he never means what he says. Sir F. Sincerely, then — you do like the piece ? Sneer. Wonderfully ! Sir F. But come, now, there must be something that you think might be mended, hey? — Mr. Dangle, has no- thing struck you ? Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the m.)s'. part, to — Sir F. With most authors it is just so, indeed ; they are in general strangely tenacious! — But, for my part, 1 am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me ; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opi- nion ? Sneer. Very true. Why, then, though 1 seriously ad mire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small o\> iection ; which, if you'll odvA me leave, I'll meutioo. tcEKB i. TJie. f'RrtK' 13 dir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more Sneer. I think it wants incident. Sir F Good GoJ 1 — you surpnse me ! — wants inci dent ! Sneer. Yes ; I own I think the incidents are too few. Sir F. Good God ! — Believe me, Mr. Sneor, there is no person fbr whose judgment I have a more implicit de- ference. But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only ap- prehensive that the incidents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how does it strike you ? Dan. Really, I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient ; and the four first acta by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest anything, it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth. Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir— Dan. No ; I don't, upon my word. Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul — it certainly ion't fall off, I assure yeu. — No, no, it don't fall off. Dan. Now, 'Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck yoL in the same light 1 Mrs. D. (r.) No, indeed, I did not — I did not see a fault in any part of the play fi'om the beginning to the end. Sir F. [Crossing to Mrs. Dangle.] Upon my soul, the women are the best judges after all ! Mrs. D. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece ! but that I was afraid it was, or the whole, a little too long. Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of time ; or do you mean that the stoiy is tediously spun out 1 Mrs. D. Oh, lud ! no. I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays. Sir F. Then I am very happy — very happy, indeed — Because he play is a short play, a remarkably short play : I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of »i aft«j was confined by a must exci"ucialitig disorder, and lost the use of my Hmbp ! That told very well ; for i had the case strongly attested, and went ah-uj' to collect the suhsciiptions myself Pan. !!j<»ad. I believe that was when you first CHJieJ on me — Pvjf. What, in November last? — C)h. no I When I called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to seive a friend ! I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a vei-y profitable consumption ! I was then reduced to — Oh, no — then, I became a widow with six helpless children — after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital ! Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt? Puf'. Why, yes, — though I made some occasional at- tempts at felo de se ; but as I did not find those rash ac- tions answer, [ left off' killing myself veiy soon. Well, sir — at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, 1 determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my con- science, and in a more Hberal way still to nidulge my ta- lents foi fiction and embellishments, through my favourite channels of diunial communication — and so, sir, you have my history. Sneer. Moat obligingly communicative, indeed. But surely, Mr. Pufl. there is no great mt/tfery in youi preseui professi jn ? Pujf. Mystery I .Sir, 1 will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to rule, before. Sneer. Reduced to rule t Pu^. Oh, lud, sir I you are very ignorant, 1 am afraid. — Yes, sir — i^uffing is of various sotts : — the principal are — the i'uff" dnecl — the Puff' preliminai-y — the PulF collateral — the Puff collusive — and the Puff )l'lique, or P'-& bv imulicatioD. all assume, an en ciimslaiK ti* 20 THB CRITIC. ;Act I require, th* \ariouB fbrms of — Letter to the Editor — Oc ^asional Anecdote — Impartial Critique — Observation frore Correspondent— or Advertisements from the Party. Sneer. The Puff direct, I can conceive — Pu^. Oh, yes, that's simple enough — for instant e — A new Comedy or Farce is to be produced at one of the iheatrea (though, by the bye, they don't bnng out half what they ought to do): the author, suppose Mr, Smal- ler, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular fiiend of mine — rery well ; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was received — 1 have the plot from the author — and only add — Charac lers strongly drawn — highly coloured — hand of a mastei — fiind of genuine humour — mine of invention — neat dialogue — attic salt ! — Then for the pei-forruance — Mr, Baker was astonishingly g^"eat in the character of Sir Harry/ That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Eger- ton, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the Colonel : but it b not in the power of language to do justice to Mr, Jones ! — Indeed, he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a most brilliant and judicious audience ! In short, we are at a loss which to admire most — the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality ol the ma- nagers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the in- credible exertions of all the pei-forraers ! Sneer. That's pretty v/ell, indeed, sir, Pujf. Oh, cool, quite cool, to what I eometimes do. Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influ enced by this ? Puff. Oh, lud I yes, sii ; the number o£ those who uu- dergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed I Dan. Ha ! ha ! ha ! — 'gad, 1 know it is so. PuJf Ah t<» the Puff oblique, or Puff by impHcation, it is too extensive, and branches into so many varieties, that it is impossible to be illustrated by an instance ; it is the last principal clasfi of th»» Art <»f Puffing — an art which I hope you will now agree with n)e. iH/»f th« highest dig oity Snee* Sii. i anj c<>mpl«tr>iy •* •N>iivf*M ttf<{i, v> the im IM>rtai)C«) tnd iu|{uouity ut y >iir [^r >}(&** in, n-aa sow til Hern* I I TBI ORITIC. 2) ihere is but one thing which can possibly iuciease nay respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to ba present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage — Puff. Hush, for HeavenN sake. — My tragedy ! — Egad, Oangle, 1 take this very il ; you know how apprehensive ( am oF being known to be the author. Dan. 'Ifaith, I would not have told ; but it's in the pa pers, and your name at length — in the Morning Chroni- cle. puff. Ah ! those damned editors never can keep a se- cret ! Well, Mr. Sneer — no doubt you will do me great honour — I shall be infinitely happy — highly flattered. Dan. I believe it must be near the time — shall we gt fr)gether? Puff. No ; it will not be yet this hour, for they are al- ways late at that theatre : besides, I must meet yoij there, for I have some little matters to send to the paper*, and a fow paragraphs to scribble befi&re I go. [Looking at me- viorandums.] Here is ' a Conscientious Baker, on the Subject of the Anny Bread,' and 'a Detester of Visible Brick-work, in favour of the new-invented Stucco ;' both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. — Here is an invention for the running our mail-coaches by steam, and lighting them by gas. — 1 have also a very in- genius design for a self-acting air-pump, to be fixed in the confined streets, which is to supersede the necessity of country excursions for the benefit of the health. Here are likewise many other valuable memorandums, most of which, I have no doubt, but I shall render equally prac- ticable, and of the greatest importance to the nation. So, »gad. I have not a moment to lose. \Exeu%l. BHD or ACT 1. t? THE CRtTir I Act !» ACT I » Scene L—The Tkeatr* btnter Dan 3le, Puff, and Sneer, l., (m before the (Jut tain, — *kree chairs on h. Pvff. (c.) No, HO, sii ; what Shakspeare says of actors ^ay be belter applied to the purpose of plays: M^-y ought to be Mhe abstract and brief chronicles of the times. Therefore when history, and particularly the history of our own country, furnishes anything like a case in point, to the time in which an authoi writes, if he knows his own interest, he will take advantage of it ; so, sir, I call my tragedy, 'The Spanish AiTnada;' and have laid the scene before Tilbury Fort. Sneer, (r.) A most happy thought, certainly ! Dan. Egad, it was ; I told you so. But pray, now, i don't understand how you have contrived to introduce any love into it. Pujf. Love ! — Oh, nothing so easy : for it is a received point among poets, that where history gives you a good heroic outline for a play, you may fill up with a little love at your own discretion : in doing which, nine times out of ten, you only make up a deficiency in the private his- toiy of tlie times. Now 1 rather think I have done this with s jme success. Sneer. No scandal about Q,u«en Elizabeth, f hope? Puff". Oil, lud ! no, no. 1 only suppose the Governor of Tilbury Fort's daughter to be in love with the son uf the Spanish Admiral. Sneer. Oh, is that all 1 Dan. Excellent, 'ifaith ! 1 "Jee it at once. But wf n't this appear rather improbable? PuJf'. To be sure it will — bu» what the plague ! a play is not to show occurrences that happen every day, uut thhigs just so strange, that though they nevei did, they tniglit happen. Sneer. Ceitahily, nothing is unnatuvnl, that is not phy •ically impossible. PvJ". Vei-y tiue — and, for that matter, Don Forolo dcKin 1 1 ^'IR f-Rjric. 23 'Vh nkeramlos — fbr that's the lovei-'j name — might bare bee!, over hero in the train of tlie Spanish Ambassador; or Ti'bunna, for that is the lariy's name, might have been in love with him, from having heard his character, or 8(«»in bis picture ; or from knowing that he was the last man in the world she ought to be in love with, or for any othei good female reason. However, sir, the fact is that though ibe is but a knight's daughter, egad I she \fi in love like fuiy princess ! Dan. Poor young lady ! I feel for her already I Pv^. Oh, amazing ! — her poor susceptible heart Li t'/rayed to and fro, by contending passions, like — Enter Under Prompter, l. Under P. Sir, the scene is set, and every thing is re»- dy to begin, if you please. Pujf. 'Egad, then, w«'ll lose no time. Under P. Though, 1 believe, sir, you will find it very short, for all the performers have profited by the krid per- mission yi)u granted thenu P?jj: Hey! what? Under P. You know, sir, you gave them leave to cut out or omit whatever they found heavy or unnecessary to the plot, and 1 must own they have taken very liberal ad- vantage of your indulgence. [ Exif Under P., l. Puf. Well, well! They are in general very good judg- es; and I know I am luxuriant. Gentlemen, be seated. \Snter and Dangle sit, l.| Now, Mr. Woodarch, [ To Lead- er of the Band,] please to play a few bars of something loft, just to prepare the audience for the curtain's rising. [The Band strike " Bohhing Joan,' very for tt. Puff. [Having stopped them with much difficulty.] Nrw, really, gentlemen, this is unkind, i ask you to play a soothing air, and you strike up Bobbing Joan ! [ To Sneer, ifc.] These gentlemen will have their joke at rehearsal, /)u see. [To Orchestra.] Come, gentlemen, oblige me. [The Band play a few hars of soft music] Aye, that's rght — for we have the scenes and dresses; egad, we'll go to it, as if it was the first night's perlbnnance ; but you need r.ot mind stopping between the acts Soh ! stknd cleai, gentlemen. Now, you know there will be a cry of down ! — ci »wn ! — hats off"! — silence ! — Then up curtain— *nd let us see what our oaintera have don© ft)r us. SW THIt CHI TIC r Act II ScBNI 11. — The curtain rues, and ducoveri 'Ptlh%ry Ftrt Two Sentinels asleep on t/ie grouncL, u. Dan. Tilbury Fort ! — very fine, indeed f Puff. Now, what do you think I open with ? Sneer. Faith, I can't guess — Puff. A clock. Sneer. A clock ! Puff. Hark! — [Clock strikes four.] I open with a clo*k striking, to beget an awful attention in the audience — it also marks the time, which is four o'clock in the moiTiing, and saves a description of the rising sun, and a great deal about gilding the eastern hemisphere. Dan. But, pray, are the sentinels to be asleep t Puff. Fast as watchmen. Sneer. Isn't that odd, th »ugh, at such an alarming cri- sis ? Puff. To be sure it is ; but smaller things must give way to a striking scene at the opening ; that's a rule. And the case is, that two great men are coming to this very spot to begin the piece; now, it is not to be supposed they would open their lips, if these fellows were watch- ing them ; so, egad, I must either have sent them off tlieir posts, or set them asleep. Sneer. Oh, that accounts for it ! — But tell ub, who are these coming? Puff. These T They are — Sir Walter Raleigh, and Sir Christopher Hatton. You'll know Sir Christopher, by his turning out his toes — famous, you know, for his dancing. I like to preserve all the little traits of charac- ter. Now, attend. Enter Sir Christopher Hatton and Sir Walter Ra LEIGH, R. • Sir G. True, gallant Raleigh!* Dan. What, had they been talking before ^ Puff. Oh, yes : all the way as they came along. 1 beg pardon, gentlemen, [ To the Artors,] but these are parti t'llar friends of mine. Mr. Sneer and Mr. Dangle, Mr. Keeley and Mr. Meadows, both very promising genrlemeD in tkeir profession, i assure you. [The Actors take off tkeit katt, and h->u> very loiff.] \ know it's against th« rale t« II. J TBt C«ITTO JJ introduce strangerfl at a rehearBal, but as they are parti- cular friends of mine, I thought you would excuse. Don't mind interrupting these fellows when any thing strikes you. [ To Sneer and Dangle. * Sir C. True, gallant Raleigh ! 'But oh, thou champion of thy country's fame, ' There is a question which I yet must as^r , • A question which 1 never asked before. ' What mean these mighty armaments f This general muster? and this throng of chiefs V Sneer. Pray, Mr. Puff, how came Sir Christopher Hal ton never to ask that question before ? Pujf. What, before the play began ? How the plague could he 1 Dan. That's true, 'ifaith ! Puf. But you will hear what he thinks of the matter. ' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when 1 behold' — PuJ". [Interrupts him.] My good friend, you entirely forget what I told you the last rehearsal — that there war a particular trait in Sir Christopher's character — that lie was famous, in Queen Elizabeth's time, for his dancing — pray, turn your toes cut. [ With his foot, he pushes Sii C.'s/eet out, until they are nearly ^square.\ That will do — now, sir, proceed. ' Sir C. Alas, my noble friend, when I behold ' Yon tented plains in martial symmetry ' A nayed — when I count o'er yon glittering licsas ' Of crested warriors — ' When briefly all I hear or see bears stamp ' Of martial preparation, and stem defence, • I cannot but surmise. Forgive, my friend, ' If the conjecture's rash' — PuJ'. [Interrupting.] A little more freedom, — if yo» please. Remember that Sir Christopher and Sir Walt* were on the most familiar footing. Now, as thus— [ Quotes the line Jli2>pantly. ' Sir C. [Imitates his manner.] I cai.not but sunniso Forgive, my friend, If the conjecture's rash — I cannot but • Surmise — the state some danger apprehends " Sneer. A very cartious cotijecfure that! PuJ". Yes, that's his chaiactor ; not to give an opinioa, Ittt on secure grou-ria — Now. then f6 (Tjs ;».!•. C. Krt i{ Stt W Oh, m<">8t accomplished Christ; >jihfr Puff. Keep up the Christopher ! 'Oh, mosi accoa> p''!ahed Christopher.' He calls him by his Christian nam«, to show that they are on the most familiar terms. ' Sir W. Oh, most accomplished Christopher, I find ' Thy fears are just. ' Sir C. But where, whence, when, what, which, ard whose, ' The danger isi — niethinks, I fain would learn. • Sir W. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns' — Puf. \ Stopping htm. I Suit the word to the action^ and the action to the word. You know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns.' \ Passes his hands one antr the other , unth a circuiar motion. 'Sir W. \ Using the same action.\ Vou know, my friend, scarce two revolving suns, And three revolving moons/ — Puff. No, no : send your moons the other way, (n you'll bring about an eclipse ! [Repeats the. same Itne^ again the second time, turning his hands th^ contrary way • Sir W. \ Using Puffs action.] You know, my fnun i. scarce two revolving suns, And three revolving moons, have closed their courB*. Since haughty Philip, in despite of peace, With hostile hand hath struck at England's trad« ' Sir G. I know it well • Sir W. PhiHp, you know, is proud Ibena's king ! ' Sir C. He is. • Sir W. You know, beside, his boasted armamenL The famed Armada, by the Pope baptized. With purpose to invade these realms — • Sir C. Is sailed ; Our last advices so report. « Str W. While the Spanish Admiral's chief hope, His darling son, by chance a prisoner hath been ta'ea, • And in this fort of Tilbuiy'— Puff. \Mocking hts tone.] ' Tilbury /' Don't speak of Tilbury Fori, as if it was a gin-shop ! Keep up its cod sequence. * And in this fort of Tilbury /' [Sir Walter repeats tht line after Puffs mannm • Sir t). Is now «onfin«d. teuiK ii.j THE owno. fT • iSir W. You also know' — Dan. Mr. Puff, as he knoict all this, why doe6 Sir Wal* ter go on telling bim t Fuf. But the audience are not supposed to know any thing of the matter, are they ? Sneer. True, but I think you manage ill : for there cer- tainly appears no reason why Sir Walter should be so communicative. Piiff". Foregad, now, that is one of the most ungrateful observations I evei heard ; for the less inducement he has to tell all this, the more I think you ought to be obliged to him ; for I am sure you'd know nothing of the matter without it. Dan. That's very true, upon my word. Puff". But you will find he was not going on. ' Sir C. Enough, enough — 'tis plain — and I no more • Am in amazement lost !' Puff. Here, now, you see, Sir Christopher did not, ir fact, ask any one question for his own information. Sneer. No, indeed : his has been a most disinterested curiosity I Dan. Really, I find, we are very much obliged to them both. Puff. To be sure you are. Now, then, for the Com- mander-in-Chief, the Earl of Leicester ! who, you know, was no favourite but of the Queen's. We lefl off ' in amazement lost !' — * Sir C. Am in amazement lost ' But see where noble Leicester comes ! supreme ' In honours and command.' Sneer. But who are these with him ? Puf. Oh ! veiy valiant knights ; one is the governor cA the fort, the other the master of the horse. And now, I think you shall hear some better language : I was obliged to be plain and intelligible in the fii-st scene, because there was so much matter of fact in it; but now, 'ifaith, you have trope, figure, and metaphor, as plenty a£ noun- eubstantives. Enter Earl or Leicester, Govbrnok, and Mastb* i-g*»ttci»a, tb«r« m ao thing like a prayer I *Lei Oh, mighty Mara I' PuJ. Stop, my dear sir f Ytwj do m^. axpflot tC) ftoJ Mars there. No, sir : whenever you addrese the g duces you a heroine like soft music Here she comes. Dan. And her confidant, i supposed Puff To be sure: here they are — incunsotablct — to ttti minuet in Ariadne I | Sq/l mustc •• Chckettr^ BecHB 11., nn AtiTic 1 1 Entrt TiLBoaiNA and Coni » ^mt, \ ' Til. Now flowers unfold their beauties uy i^e ma. Ami blushing, kiss the beam he senda t,o wake then* TLe stiiped carnation, and the guarded rose, "''ho vulgar wall-flower, and smart gilly-flowor, "^he polyanthus mean — the dapper daisy, Sweet William, and sweet marionjm — and all The tribe ol" single and of douole pinka ! Now, too, the feathered warblers tune their ootes Around, and charm the listening grove — The lark ! 'The linnet! chaffinch I bullflnch I goldfinch I greenfinch ' — But, oh ! to me no joy can they aflford I ' Nor rose, nor wall-flower, nor smart gilly-flower, ' Nor polyanthus mean, nor dapper daisy, ' Nor vVilliam sweet, nor marjorum — nor lark, ' Linnet, nor all the finches of^the grovel' Puff. [Holding his handkerchief to hu eye».\ Vauf white handkerchief, madam — there, if you please. 7*}/. I thought, ail, 1 wasn't to use thai 'till ' aearv rending woe.' Puff. Oh, yo*. madam — ai the 6nche« of ih© grfore,' tt you please, • TU. —Nor lark, Lmnei, nor all the finches oi the gruve t 1^ W*^^ Puff. Vastly well, madam I Dan. Vastly well, uideod ! ' Til. For, lih, too sure, heart-rwndlng i*ow is oow The lot of wretched Tilburinal' Dan. Oh ! 'tis too much.. Sneer. Oh! — it is, indeed. ' Con. (r.) Be comforted, sweet lady — ibr wao kaow«, But Heaven has yet some milk-white day in sijr^. ' Tit. Alas, my youthflil — gentle Nora, ' Thy tender youth as yet hath never mourued Love's fatal dart. ' Con. But see where youi ftem fiilher cotnee } It is not meet that he shfiuld find you thus.* Puff. Hey, what the plague I wtiai a cut is Here I— why, what ia become of the description of her Erst cnofh- ing with D jn Whiskeratidv/o ! his gallaiil L>ehavu>ui lq ui« sea-fight, and the simile of U)« ouiary bird ( 32 YHB CRiTlO. fACT 11 VU. Indeed, sir, you'U find they will not be miaaed. Puff". Very well — very well ! Til. The cue, ma'am, if you please. • Con. It is not meet that he should find you thus. ' TU. Thou counsel'st right, but 'tis no easy task ' For barefaced grief to wear a mask of joy. Enter Governor, b. * Gov, How's this — in tears ?— O — * Puff". There's a round O ! for you. Sneer. A capital O / ' Gov. Tilburina, shame ! ' Is this a time for maudlin tenderness, ' And Cupid's baby woes 1 — hast thou not heard • That haughty Spain's Pope-consecrated fleet Advances to our shores, while England's fate, ' Like a clipped guinea, trembles in the scale ! * Til. [Seizing Governor's hand.] Then, is the crisis if my fate at hand ! I see the fleet's approach — 1 see' — Puff. Now, pray, gentlemen, mind. This is one of the most useful figures we tragedy-writers have, by which a hero or heroine, in consideration of their being often obliged t9 overlook things that are on the stage, is allowed to hear and see a number of things that oxe not. Sneer. Yes ; a kind of poetical second-sight 1 Puff, Yes. — Now, then, madam. • TU. — I see their decks Are cleared 1 — I see the signal made ! The line is formed ! — a cable's length asunder I ' 1 Bee the frigates stationed in the rear ; • And now, I hear the thunder of the guuB 1 ' I hear the victor's shouts — I also hear The yanquished groan — and now 'tis smoke — and now I see the loose sails shiver in the wind ! • I »ee— I see— what soon you'll see* — [Swoons in the Governor's arms Puff. [In rapture, taking Tilburina's hand.] Mrs. Gibbs, •llow me to introduce you to Mr. Dangle and Mr. Sneer. This is Mrs. Gibbs, one of the very best actresses on tb« •tage, I assure you, gentlemen. ' Gov. Hold, daughter ! peace I this love bath turned thy brain : tcKHC I) . TUB CRJTIC. 33 * The Spanish fleet thou cans't nut see-— becaoae —It is not yet in eight I' Dan. Egad, though, the Governor seems to make qo allowance for this poetical figure you talk of. Puf. No ; a plain matter-of-fact man ; that's his cha- racter. * Til. But will you, then, refuse his offer 1 * Gov. I must — I will — I can — I ought— I da * Til. His liberty is all he asks.* Tuff. His liberty is all he asks.* &netr. All who asks, Mr. Puff] — Who is — ^he t Tuff. Egad, sir, I can't tell. Here has been such cu^ ting and slashing, I don't know where they have got to myself Til. Indeed, sir, you will find it will connect very well ' Til. A retreat in Spain ! * Gov. Outlawi-y here ! * 7\l. Your daughter's prayer ! * Gov. Your father's oath ! * TU. My lover ! * Gov. >Iy country ! ' Til. Tilbunna ! * Gov. England ! * Til. A title ! * Gov. Honour ! * Til. A pension ! * Gov. Conscience ! * Til. A thousand pounds ! ' Gov. [Starts.] Hah I thou hast touched me nearly f * Til. Canst thou — ' Reject the suppliant, and the daughter, too 1 * Gov. No more ; I would not hear thee plead in vaiii ; * The father softens — but the Governor — ' Is resolved ! [About to exit. Puff. My dear sir, give that a little more force, if you please — ' but the Governor's resolved /' ' Gov. [Imitating Puff's manner.] The father softens- - but the governor Is resolved ! [Exit, quickly, l * Til. 'Tis well — hence, then, fond hopes — ford passio* hence ; Duty, behold I am all over thiuo^- 34 rut cfkit'ic. ,An 11 Whis [ Wuh(rKt,tA Wliere is my love — my — behioii! Puf. My whal 1— Wl.at'8 that, Mr. Peisont Enter Whib&erandos, a. Puff. Have the goodnesn to ]«t me hear that line agam. * Wkis. Where is my love— my behind V Pvff. No, no, sir! — • VVhert* is my love — my — behiul the scenes' — spoken behind the scenes. Whis. Oh, I beg pardon, sir, but I assure you it ii written so in ray part. \Exit, R. — PuJ^ cra-tes t^ Sneti and Dangle. Enter Wuiskerandos, r. * Whis. (r.) Where is my love — my — beauteous enem^ • My conquering Tilburina I Howl is'i thus ' We meet 1 Why are thy looks averse ? What means That falling tear — that frown of boding woe ? Hah I now, indeed, I am a prisoner I ' Yes, now I feel the galling weight of these ' Disgraceful chains — which, cruel Tilburina I * Thy doating captive gloried in before. ' But tViou art false, and Whiskerandos is undone ! ' TU. Oh, no ; how little dost thou know thy Tilburina ' Whis. Art thou, then, true ? Begone cares, doubta and fears, • 1 make you all a present to the winds ; And if the winds reject you — try the waves.' Puff. The wind, you know, is the established receiver «f all stolen sighs, and cast-off gi-iefs and apprehensions, ' Til. Yet must we part t — Stem duty seals our Aoow ' Though here I call yon conscious clouds to witness, * Could I pursue the bias of my soul, ' All fiiendfl, all rights of parents I'd disclaim, And thou, my Whiskerandos, should'st be father ' And mother, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, ' And friend to me I ' Whis. Oh, matchless excellence 1 And must we pan I ' Well, iP— we must — we must — and in that case • The less is said the better.* Pttjf. Heyday ! here's a cut I — What ! are all the m\k tual pr iteslations out T TS.I Now, pray. sir. dou't interrupt uii junt here; yuo II m tmr feelingi I «cc»t II. I THB C-HITIC. 3t Puff, Your feelings! — but zounds, iry fnelings, ma'ara* ' Whis. (r.) One last embrace. ' Til. (l.) Now — farewell for ever ! ' Whis. For ever ! * Til. Aye, for ever ' | Going, r. and l. Puff. S'devith and fury !— GadsHfe ! Sir! Madam, 1 really can't suffer this — if you go out without the parting look, you might as well dance out — Here ! ' For ever! Aye, for ever !' Holding forth Ms arms, as to emhrace\ Give them the last puff of your tragedy bellows ! ' Whis. \ With arms extended^ For ever ! Oh ! ' Til. Aye, for ever, oh !' [ They rush into each other' t arms, then reluctantly part and exeunt, Whiskeran- dos, R,, Tilhurina, L. Con. But pray, sir, how am I to get ofl' here ? Puff. You ! pshaw ! what the devil signifies how you get off I \Pushes the Confidant off, b. — Dro]) scene lowers ; Snerr and Dangle rise, Dan. Oh, charming I P-uff. Hoy ! — 'tis pretty well, 1 believe. You see, 1 don't attempt to strike out any thing new — but I take it I improve on the established modes. Enter Under Prompter, l. Under P. Sir, the cai-penter says it is impossible you can go to the Park scene yet. Puff. The Park scene ! No— I mean the description Bcene here, in the wood. Under P. Sir, the performers have cut it out. Puff. Cut it out 1 Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. What ! the whole account of Queen Elizabeth I Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. And the description of her horse and side-saddle 1 Under P. Yes, sir. Puff. So, so, this is very fine, indeed ! Mr. Prompter, how the plague could you suffer this 1 Prompter. \From within, L.j Sir, indeed, the pruning knife — Puff. The pruning knife— zounds 1 the axe I Why, heie ba« been »urh lopping and topping, shan't have th« 36 THK CRITIC, (Acr n bare trunk of mj play left presently. Very well, sir — the peiforraers must do as they please; but, upon my soul, I'll print it every word. Sneer. Tha: I would, indeed. Puff. Very well, sir — then, we must go on. [Exit Un- der Prompter, l.] Well, now. if the scene is ready — we'll go on. [ The Drop scene rises, and discovers a Wood scene. A carpet spread on the stage, and a chair in the centre.] So, now for my mysterious yeoman. Enter a Beefeater, l. s. b. • Beef. Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee f* Sneer. Haven't I heard that line before] » Pu^. No, I fancy not. Where, pray ? Dan. Yes, I think there is something like it in " Othel- lo." Piff. Gad ! now you put me in mind on't, 1 believe there is — but that's of no consequence — all that can be said is, that two people happened to hit on the same thought — and Shakspeare made use of it firnt, that's all. Sneer. Very true. Puff. Now, sir, your soliloquy — but speak more to the pit, if you pleeise— the soliloquy always to the pit — thak*i a rule. * Be^. Though hopeless love finds comfort in despair, It never can endure a rival's bliss ! • But soft'— Ptff Put your finger to your head when you say thai —and don't gallop off— -steal cautiously off. ' Beef. But soft — I am obsei-ved.' [Exit Beefeater, stealthily, R. Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. Puff. Yes — but it would have been a great deal longer if he had not been observed. Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. PuffI Pviff. Harkye — 1 would not have you to be too sure that he is a Beefeater. Sneer. Wliat, a hero in disguise ] Puff. No matter — I only give you a hint. But now for my pnncij)al charactei — here he comes — Lord Burleigh in person ! Pray, gentlemen, step this way — softly — i only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect —if he ia but perfect f fCBWE II. J THE CRITIC. 37 Enter Burleigh, l. b e., goe» slowly to the chair and s%t$. Sneer. Mr. Puff! PuJ". Hush ! vastly well, sir ! vastly well I a most in- teresting gravity ! Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all ? Puf. Egad, 1 thought you'd ask me that. Yes, it is a very likely thing, that a minister in his situation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk ! But hush ! or you'll put him out. Sneer. Put him out ! how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything ? Puf. There's a reason ! Why, his part is to think : and how the plague do you imagine he can think, if you keep talking ? Dan. That's very true, upon my word ! [Burleigh comes forward, c, shakes his head. PuJ". Shake your head more — more — damn it, man, hake your head as if there was something in it. ( Burleigh shakes his head extravagantly, and exit, n. Sneer. He is very perfect, indeed. Now, pray what did he mean by that? PuJ". You don't take it ? Sneer. No, I don't, upon my souL Ptif. Why, by that shake of the head, he gave you to understand, that even thou^ they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures, yet, if there ivas not a gieater spirit shown on the part of the people, -ne country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile am- ntion of the Spanish monarchy. Sneer. The devil ! — Did he mean all that by shaking his head ? Piif. Every word of it—if he shook his head as I liught him. Sneer. Oh, here are some of our old acquaintance Enter Hatton and Raleigh, r. * Str C. My niece, and your niece, too ! By Heaven ! there's witchcraft in't. He could not else Have gained their hearts. But see where they approach Some'liorrid purpose lowenng on their brows! ' Sir W. Let us withdraw, and mark them. ( They retire up. 38 Tw» cm?^^^ l4«TTii Entet ikt Tw(' NiBCEfc, R. a^d t. ' \st. Ni€ (i,.) Ellena hero ! • But Bee the proud destroyer of my peace. ' Revenge is all the good I've left [Aside. ' 2d Nie. (r.) He comes, the false disturber of my quie' • Now, vengeance, do thy work !' [Aside. Enter Whisrekanoos, l. s. e. ' Whts. Oh, hateful libeity — if thus in vaiu I Boek my Tilbuiina ! ' Both Nei. And ever shall ! [Sir Christopher and Sit Walter come forward, r. and l. • Sir G. If Sir \V. Hold ! we will avenge you. * Wkis. Hold 1/ou — or see your n'ecea bleed.' [The two Nieces draw their two daggers to strih4 Whislcerandos ; the two Uncles, at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two Nieces^ arms, and turn the points of their swords to Whiskeran- dos, who iinmediatehj draws two daggers, and holds them tf the two Nieces' bosoms. Puff, There's situation for you ! there's an heroic group! You see, the ladies can't stab Whiskerandos — be durst not strike them for fear of their uncles — the un- cles durst not kill him because of their nieces. I have them all at a dead lock ! for evei-y one of them is afiaid to let go first. Sneer. Why, then, they must stand there for ever, Ptiff. So they would, if I hadn't a very fine contrivanca for't Now, mind — Beef! Enter Beefeater, with his halherd, r. ' BeeJ". In the Queen's name, I charge you all to drop ' Your swords and daggers !' [ They drop their swords and daggers. Sneer. That is a contrivance, indeed. Puff. Aye — in the Queen's name. ' Sir C. Come, niece ! ' Sir W. Come, niece I [Exeunt with the two Nece*, r. and l W his. (i .) VVliat's he. who bids us thus rertounc© out guard ■? ircVK II. I tHB CRITIC 3b ' Beef, (r.) Thou roust do morel renoiinoe thy lo*at ' Whis. Thou Ueet, base Beefbater f 'Beef Hal Hell! thoUe! ' By Heaven, thou'st roused the lion in my heart ! ' Off. yeoman's habit 1 base disguise ! off I off! \Diseovers himself, by throwing off his upper dre*^ and appearing in a very fine shape dress. ' Am I a Beefeater now t ' Or beams my ci'est as terrible as when ' In Biscay's Bay I took thy captive sloop I * Whis. I thank thee, fortune 1 that hast thus bestowed ' A weapon to chastise this insolent. f Takes up one of the swords. ' Beef. 1 take thy challenge, Spaniard, and 1 thank ' Thee, fortune, too ! [ Takes up the other sword. ' Whis. Vengeance and Tilburina ! 'Beef. Exactly so! [They fight, and, after the usual number of wounds given, Whiskerandos falls. ' Whis. Oh, cursed parry I The last thrust in tierc« • Was fatal 1 Captain, thou hast fenced well 1 ' And Whiskerandos quits this bustling scene ' For all eter — Beef. — nity, he would have added, but stern death'— Puff. Oh, my dear sir, you are too slow : now miiio me. Sir, shall I trouble you to die again ! Whis. Certainly, sir I ' And Whiskerandos quits thi* bustUng scene For all eter — [Rolls himself up in the carpet. ' Btef. — nity, he would have added' — Puff, No, sir, that's not it : once more, if you please, *nd I'll kill you myself Whis. [ Unrolling himself.] I wish, sir, you would prac tice this without me : I can't stay dying here all night \Exit, L. Puff Very well, we'll go over it oy and by. Oiutl humour these gentlemen f ' Beef. Farewell, brave Spaniard I and when next' — Puff. Dear sir, you needn't speak that speech, as th» body has walked off. Beef. That's true, sir; then I'll join the fleet. Puff if you oleane [Exit P^e/eater \ Now. enter Tii *0 THE CRITIC. lAcvn Sneer. Egad, the business comes on quick hero. Puff. Yes, sir : now she comes in slai k mad, in whlu satin. Sneer. Why in white satin ? Puff. Oh, Lord, sir, when a heroine goes mad, she al- ways goes into white satin — don't she, Dangle 1 Dan. Always — it's a rule. Puff. Yes, here it is. [Looking at the book.\ ' Entei Tilbunna, stark mad, in white satin, and her Confidant, ;tark mad, in white linen.' Enter Tilburina and Confidant, r., mad, according to custom. Sneer. But what the deuce ! ia the Confidant to bo mad. too? Puff. To be sure she is : the Confidant is always to do whatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad. Now, madam Confidant — but keep your madness in the back- ground, if you please. • Til. The wind whistles — the moon rises — \ Screams, see. They have killed my squirrel in his cage !— [Kneels. Is this a grasshopper ] — Ha ! no, it is my ' Whiskerandos. Y^m shall not keep him — ' 1 know you have him in your breeches pocket— ' An oysfer may be crossed in love ! — Who says • A whale's a bird 1 — Ha ! did you call, my love t — ' He's here ! — He's there ! — He's every where I— * Ah me ! he's no where !' [Exit Tilburina, R. — The Con- Jidant imitates Tilburina, and exit, R. Puff. There ! do you ever desire to see' any body mad- dei than that ? Sneer. Never, while I Uve I And, priay, what becomei of her ? Puff. She is gone to throw herself into the sea, to be Kure — and that brings us at once to the scene of acticD, and so to my catastrophe — my sea-fight, 1 mean. Sneer. What, you bring that in at last ? Puff. Yes, yes ; you know my play is utile J, the Spa mish Aiinada, otherwise, ejjail, I have no occasion for th« •cBMs ii.j t^' cmiTic. 41 battle at all. Now, then, fbr my magnificence t my bat- tle ! my nuise ! and mv pitKession I You are all ready 1 Promp. \ Within, L.} Yes, sir. Puff". Very well. Now, then, change the scene, and tWn for our grand display. I The scene changes to a view of the Spanish Armadu, in close uction with the British jleet. Music plays' ** Britons strike home." Spanish fleet destroyed hy fire-ships i^. English fleet advance* — Music plays ** Rule Britannia" During this scene. Puff direr t» and applauds everything : then,\ Well, pretty well — but not quite periect ; so, ladies and gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this piece again on the Brst opportunity. [Curtain drops. DEPOSITION OF THB CHARACTERS AT THE FALI ' »F THl CURTAIN m. fmfp 8wuB Danm.^ (i^ The Return oT Hi Jinks A comedy in four acts, by Marion Short, author of "The Varsity Coach," "The TouchDovvn," etc. 6 males, 8 females. Costumea modern. One interior scene. This comedy is founded upon and elaborated from a farce comedy oi two acts written by J. H. Horta, and originally produced at Tuft's College. Hiram Poynter Jinks, a Junior in Hoosic College (Willie Collier (ype), and a young moving picture actress (Mary Pickford type), are the leading characters in this lively, modern farce. Thomas Hodge, a Senior, envious of the popularity of Jinks, wishes to think up a scheme to throw ridicule upon him during a visit of the Hoosic Glee Club to Jinks's home town. Jinls has obligingly acted as a one-day substitute in a moving picture play, in which there is a fire scene, and this gives Hodge his cue. He sends what seems to be a bona fide account of Jink's heroism at a Hoosic fire to Jink's horne paper. Instead of repudiating his laurels as expected, Jinks decides to take a flyer in fame, confirms the fake story, confesses to being a hero and is adoredl by all the girls, to the chagrin and dis- comfiture of Hodge. Of course, the truth comes out at last, but Jinks is not hurt thereby, and his romance with Mimi Mayflower comes to a successful termination. This is a great comedy for amateurs. It is full of funny situations and la sure to please. Price, 30 Cents. J unc A most successful comedy-drama in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "The New Co-Ed," "Tempest and Sunshine," "Dorothy'* Neighbors," etc. 4 males, 8 females. One interior scene. Costumes modern. Plays 234 hours. This play has a very interesting group of young people. June is an appealmg lutle figure, an orphan living with her aunt. There are a number of delightful, life-like characters: the sorely tried likeable Mrs. Hopkins, the amusing, haughty Miss Banks of the glove depart- ment, the lively Tilly and Milly, who work in the store, and ambitious SnTCzer; Mrs. Hopkins's only son, who aspires to be President of the United States, but finds his real sphere is running the local trolley car. The play is simplicity itself in the telling of an every-dar story, and the scenic requirements call for only one set, a room in the boarding house of Mrs. Hopkins, while an opportunity is afforded to introduce any number of extra characters. Musical numbers may be iiktroduced, if desired. Price, 30 Cents, Tempest and Sunshine A comedy drama in four acts, by Marie Doran. S males and 9 females. One exterior and three interior scenes. Plays about 2 hour3^ Every school girl has revelled in the sweet simplicity and gentle- ness of the characters interwoven in the charms that Mary J Holmes commands in her story of "Tempest and Sunshine." We can strongly recommend this play as one of the best plays for high school pro- duction published in recent years. Price, 30 Cents- (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York Cltj irew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Walled Free qn Reaues The ToiicR-Down A comedy in four acts, by Marion Short. 8 males, 6 females, birt' kny number of characters can be introduced in the ensembles. Cos- :umes modern. One interior scene throughout the play. Time, 2j4 hours. Thij play, written for the use of clever amateurs, is the story of life in Siddell, a Pennsylvania co-educational college. It deals with the vicissitudes and final triumph of the Siddell Football Eleven, and the humorous and dramatic incidents connected therewith. "The Touch-Down" has the true vaisity atmosphere, college songs are sung, and the piece is lively and entertaining throughout. Higb schools will make no mistake in producing this play. We strongly rccomn)end it as a high class and well-written comedy. Price, 30 Cents, Hurry^ Hurry^ Hurry A comedy in three acts, by LeRoy Arnold. 5 males, 4 femalet- One interior scene. Costumes modern. Plays 2^ hours. The story is based on the will of an eccentric aunt. It stipulate* that her pretty niece must be affianced before she is twenty-cne, and married to her fiance within a year, if she is to get her spinstcf relative's million. Father has nice notions of honor and fails to tell daughter about the will, so that she may make her choice untram- meled by any other consideration than that of true love.. The action all takes place in the evening the midnight of which will see her reach twenty-one. Time is therefore short, and it is Viurry, hurry, hurry, if she is to become engaged and thus save her father fronl impending bankruptcy. ^ The situations are intrinsically funny and the dialogj-je is sprightly. The characters are natural and unaffected and the action moves with a snap such as should be expected from its title. Price, 30 Cents The Varsity Coach A three-act play of college life, by Marion Short, specialty adapte(J to performance by amateurs or high school students. S males ( females, but any number of boys and girls may be introduced in the action of the play. Two settings necessary, a college boy's room and Ihe university campus. Time, about 2 hours. Like many another college boy, "Bob" Selby, an all-round popular college man, becomes possessed of the idea that athletic prowess is more to be desired than scholarship. He is surprised in the midst oi » "spread" in his room in Regatta week by a visit from his aunf who is putting him through college. Aunt Serena, "a lady of the old school and the dearest little woman in the whole world '' has hastened to make this visit to her adored nephew under the mistaken impression Uiat he is about to receive the Fellowes prize for scholarship. Her trief and chagrin when she learns that instead of the prize Robert has received "a pink card," which is equivalent to suspension for poor scholarship, gives a touch of pathos to an otherwise jolly comedy of college life. How the repentant Robert more than redeems himself,, carries off honors at the last, and in the end wins Ruth, the faithful little sweetheart of the "Prom" and the classroom, makes a .story of dramatic interest and brings out very clearly certain phases of modern college life. There are several opportunities for the introduction of college songs and "stunts." Price, 30 Cents. (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) S\MUFX TRENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York rif ■^.fw ard KypiJcit Descrintlvc Catalofi'ue J*IaUed Free on Reonr JUST PUBLISHED Nothing But the Truth A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts By James Montgomery Cast of Characters Bob Bennett B. M. Ralston Clarence Van Dusea Bishop Doran Dick Donnelly Gwen Mrs. Ralston Ethel Mable Sable Martha SCENES ACT 1. A Broker's Office ACT 2. Parlor of a Country Home ACT 3. TIME: The Present "Nothing But the Truth" is built upon the simple Ideft of Its hero speaking: nothing but the absolute truth for a stated period. He bets a friend ten thousand dollars that he can do it, and boldly tackles truth to win the money. For a very short time the task Is placidly easy, but Truth routs out old man Trouble and then things be- gin to happen. Trouble doesn't seem very large and aggressive when he first pokes his nose into the noble resolve of our hero, but he grows rapidly and soon we see our dealer in truth disrupting the domestic relations of his partner. In fact. Trouble works overtime, and reputations that have been unblemished are smirched. Situations that are absurd and complications almost knotted, pile up, all credited to Truth, and the result of the wager to foster and cherish that great virtue from the lips of the man who has espoused the cause of truth to win a wager. It is a novel idea and so well has it been worked out that an audience is kept in throes of laughter at the seemingly impossible task to untangle snarls into which our hero has involved all those he comes into contact with. It Is a clean bright farce of well drawn cbaractem and was built for laughing purposes only. William Collier played "Nothing But the Truth" for a year at the Longacre Theatre, New York, and it has been on tour for over two seasons. After three years continuous success on the profess- ional stage we are now offering "Nothing But the Truth" for amateur production. It is one of the funniest and brightest farces ever written, and it is admirably suited »o amateur production. PaicE 6o Cents JUST PUBLISHEP, ' CHRISTOPHER JUNIOR A Comedy in 4 Acts. By Madeleine Lucette Ryley. Modem eo* eume. Time, 2^ hours. Three interior scenes; 8 males, 4 femaiea, Christopher Jedbury, Jr., having accidentally placed himself in au unfortunate position with a lady in the West Indies, is forced to oaarry her without seeing her. He returns to England. His fathel finds out about the marriage, quarrels with him, and turns him out* Jedbury, Jr., goes to India as a clerk in his father's office, there iiscovers defalcations by the manager, and falls in love with B)ora Hedway. He is reconciled to his father, and Dora turns out to b« ills wife. Highly recommended for amateurs. Price, 60 Cents. MICE AND MEN A Romantic Comedy. Four Acts. By Madeleme Lucette Ryle3 Costume about 1786. Time, 2 hours, 30 minutes. Three interioi, one exterior scene; 7 males, 5 females. Mark Embury, a man of oveff forty, is of opinion that the perfect wife must be educated from % (State of ignorance and simplicity to the ideal of the man she is about fco marry. He accordingly proceeds to impart his views to a giri fresh from the Foundling. His young nephew comes on the scene, and Embury realizes that nature intended the young to mate with the young. This beautiful costume comedy can be played by all females, and is highly recommended for use by girls' schools and colleges. This play was originally produced by Mr. Charles Froh» toan with Miss Annie Russell in the leading role. Price, 60 Cents. SNUG LITTLE KINGDOM A Comedy in 3 Acts. By Mark Ambient. Modern costume Time, 2i hours. One interior scene throughout; 3 males, 4 females. Bernard Gray, a composer of music, lives in a garret in Soho. Undei his charge is a young girl in the ballet, whose mother had died when she was young. Hubert Gray, the brother of Bernard, rescues 8 wealthy old gentleman from an accident, the latter eventiiallf turw ijing out to be the ^]'s father. Price. 60 Ceott. THE LIBRARY^ UNTVERSITY OF CALIFORNCA LOS ANC£L£S THE REJUVENATION OF AUNT MARY. The famous comedy in three acts, by Anne Warner. 7 males, 6 nales. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. Plays 2% hours. This is a genuinely funny comedy with splendid parts for "Aunt Mary," ck," her lively nephew; "Lucinda," a New England ancient maid of all work; ck's" three chums; the Girl "Jack" loves; "Joshua," Aunt Mary's hired n, etc. "Aunt Mary" was played by May Robson in New York and on tour for over ) years, and it is sure to be a big success wherever produced. We strongly ommend it. Price, 60 Cents MRS. BUMSTEAD-LEIGH. A pleasing comedy, in three acts, by Harry James Smith, author of he Tailor-Made Man." 6 males, 6 females. One interior scene. Cos- nes modern. Plays 2% hours. Mr. Smith chose fori his initial comedy the complications arising from the leavers of a social climber to land herself in the altitude peopled by hyphenated ties— a theme permitting innumerable complications, according to the spirit of writer. This most successful comedy was toured for several seasons by Mrs. Fiske h enormous success. Price, 60 Cents. MRS. TEMPLE'S TELEGRAM. A most successful farce in three acts, by Frank Wyatt and William jrris. 5 males, 4 females. One interior scene stands throughout the ee acts. Costumes modern. Plays 2% hours. "Mrs. Temple's Telegram" is a sprightly farce in which there is an abund* ;e of fun without any taint of impropriety or any element of ofTence. As iced by Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we ctice to deceive!" There is not a dull moment in the entire farce, and from the time the curtaini ;s until it makes the final drop the fun is fast and furious. A very exceptional le. Price, 60 Centsj THE NEW CO-ED. A comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of "Tempest and nshine," etc. Characters, 4 males, 7 females, though any number of ys and girls can be introduced in the action of the play. One interior 1 one exterior scene, but can be easily played in one interior scene. stumes modern. Time, about 2 hours. The theme of this play is the coming of a new student to the college, her eption by the scholars, her trials and final triumph. There are three especially good girls' parts, Letty, Madge and Estelle, but others have plenty to do. "Punch" Doolittle and George Washington Watt."., gentleman of color, are two particularly good comedy characters. We can ongly recommend "The New Co-Ed" to high schools and amateurs. Price, 30 Cents. (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) ' SAMUEL FBENCH, 25 West 45th Street, New York ( ity New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. irm L!»-50r«-'i,'61(B8994s4)444 ;ters. r Ti.'.*. '* "" • ^-"u -^ ^^""^ ^'"'"^ ^°"^»* P"'^« play- It ii an af ilc thoTJn^hl "'l '" ^^^'''^'''' portrayal of varied typ« and is no lue tnoroughly pleasing-. p (The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) Samuel French, 25 west 45th street. New York City Wcw and Explicit Descriptive Catalog:uc Mailed Free on R ^^^^ LOS ANGELES f Lithomount I Pamphlet I Binder ' Gaylord Bros., Inc. I Makers Stockton, Calil. PAT. m. 21. 1908 UC SOUTHERN AA 00 *tiV \