iXO: ;>;--:;V^:;j^^.^^V/-:-y;r; JPr Ec F THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES GIFT OF Ca" ■ i "^tate Library Si leg tak sliu son bra ben — and before the Controller shall issue his wan-ant in favor of any member or ofHcer of the Legislature, or of this State, for his per diem, allowance, or salary, he shall be satisfied tliat such member or ofHcer has returned all books taken out of the Library by liim, and has settled all accounts for injuring such books or otherwise. Sec. 15. IJooks may be taken from the Library by the members of the Legislature and its officers during the session of the same, and at any time by the Govei'nor and the officers of the Executive Department of this State, who are reqiiired to keep their offices at the seat of government, tlie Justices of the Supreme Court, the At- : torney-General and the Trustees of the Library. /^' ^- Kingsbury Sketches. A TRUTHFOL AND SDCCINCT ACCODHT or The Doings and Misdoings of the Inhabitants OS" PINE GROVE; Their Private Trials and Public Tribulations. % JOHN H. KINGSBURY. 'mU, ** ^ NEW YORK: G. W. Carlcton &- Co., Publishers. MDCCCLXXV. COPTBIGHT, 1875, BY G. W. CAELETON & CO. John F. Trow & Son, Printers and Bookbinders, 205-213 East i2t/i Si., NEW YORK. W(f THE FIRST ABLE-BODIED PURCHASER, THIS INSTROCTITE AND VALUABLE VOLUME IS ARTFULLY DEDICATED, EST THE FOND HOPE THAT THE AFORESAID, BEING MUCH CHEERED BY ITS PERUSAL, WILL, IN CONSEQUENCE, IMPART TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS — INCLUDING INDIANS NOT TAXED, AND OTHER STRANGERS— HIS NEW DELIGHT ; THEREBY AROUSING THEIR CURIOSITY TO SUCH AN EXTENT, THAT THEY, BEJOMING PURCHASERS, WILL INCREASE THEIR STORE OP USELESS KNOWLEDGE AND INFLATE THE CURRENCY OP THE AUTHOR. 83S7.1.0 A PEELIMINAEY UTTERANCE. .r T is usually the custom of ardent, as well ^^ as temperate friends, to become apologists for an author when first he appears before the public in the character of a literary acrobat. In this instance, however, the writer proposes to deal with the matter in person, and to take his life in his own hands. The following articles, having led a somewhat vagrant life in the newspapers in days gone by, have at last been gathered together in a con- densed and readable form, and are now ofiered for sale at the lowest price consistent with a large profit. Many of these vagabonds have been re- formed, and intend to lead a new life ; others placed hi a state of probation, and some totally annihilated. The Pine Grove Letters were originally written in the attempt to reform the world ; but the sub- Vlll A PKELIMENAEY UTTEKANCE. ject and the author becoming simultaneously ex- hausted, and the world, to all appearance, still proceeding in the same destructive course, they were regretfully abandoned, and the disgusted intellectual architect sought other fields and pas- tures new. Should these sketches succeed in making two laughs grow where only a single grin heretofore existed, the author would be pleased to ascertain the fact at an early period. He would like to be rejoiced in this manner exceedingly, and would feel that he had not lived and lied in vain. Bkockport, N. Y., August 1, 1875. CONTENTS. PAGE LETTER L An Independent Day, and a Celebrated Proceeding 13 LETTER n. Donation Party^What was Paid and what was Played — More Fun than Funds 18 LETTER ni. Life Record of a Wonderful Man — Ingenuity God-father of Invention — Necessity in the Role of Leading Lady 33 LETTER IV. Apology — The True Inwardness of a Sewing Society — General Information 38 LETTER V. A Beastly Affair — Consultation of the Innocents — Dogmatic Exhibition of Canine Sagacity 33 LETTER VL Great Unmatched Game of Base Ball — The Basest I ever saw Played 37 LETTER Vn. In which Parson Wilks is delivered of a Sermon 43 LETTER Vm. The Sunday-school Picnic — Proving that the Ways of Some People are past finding out 47 LETTER IX. Wherein is narrated a Remarkable Occurrence, unlikely to Happen on a Second Occasion 53 X _^ CONTENTS. LETTER X. Proves that although Music, under Certain Favorable Con- ditions, may have suflficifiut Charms to soothe the Breasts of Savages, yet on Api)lication of the Principle to the "White Man, a different Order of Things is likely to exist. 66 LETTER XI. The same old Stoiy— Yokes still in Fashion 73 LETTER XIL A Display of Patriotism — The Singer Machine the Best 77 LETTER Xin. Arts and Hands — A Series of Prize Essays Bl LETTER XIV. Political. Klinker comes to the Surface wholly undismayed. 92 LETTER XV. An Earthquake in which Everybody is shocked 08 LETTER XVL An Attack of Inspiration— A Missionary Man puts in a decided Appearance— Demonstrates to a nicety that People bereft of lilyesight cannot determine whether Ail that Glitters is or is not Gold 103 LETTER XVII. Another Batch of Literary Crudities 106 LETTER XVIII. Inclines to the Poetical, but grimly subsides into the Practical. 121 LETTER XIX. A Day of Feasting — Appropriate Ceremonies 125 LETTER XX. The Present Day — Uprising of tlie People 130 LETTER XXI. Grand Opening for Moral Fashions of a New Life, incidentally showing that sometimes there is no Slip whatever 'twixt the Cup and the Lip 137 LETTER XXIL An awful State of Affairs 143 CONTENTS. XI LETTER XXin. In which the Author puts in a Defence, and utterly demolishes the Bad Character which had been given Him 148 LETTER XXIV. The Bane of Civilizatiou 154 LETTER XXV. A veracious History of a Search after the Unfathomable .... 161 LETTER XXVL Somewhat Gastronomical — Relates how Deacon Amory lost all taste for the Fine Arts and Everything Else 170 LETTER XXVn. Wherein is revealed an Intellectual Skeleton ia the House oc- cupied by the Worthy Author 178 LETTER XXVni Meeting of the Association for the Cultivation of ^Esthetics. . 183 LETTER XXIX. An unexpected Departure — What may be expected of People who misbehave 190 LETTER XXX. In honor of the Nativity of one George 195 LETTER XXXL A remarkable Clerical Performance — It never before oc- curred, and never will happen again 202 LETTER XXXH. An Account of an Election wherein Foreordination is some- what conspicuous 209 LETTER XXXIII. About the Weather, and what Injurj' it can do in the way of Inspiration 215 LETTER XXXIV. Incidents and Accidents 220 LETTER XXXV. Our correspondent increases his Grocery Store of Useful Knowledge, and after learning all he cares to, seeks the Shades of his Home somewhat surreptitiously 235 XU CONTENTS. LETTER XXXVI. Auscultatory Unfortunates and another Unfortunate 231 LETTER XXXVIL What happened in Pine Grove at the Feast of St. Momus. . , 243 LETTER XXXVni. Clearly di'monstrates that Two or even Three Heads are not better than one, and contains a Financial Transaction somewhat disreputable 24? LETTER XXXIX. Wonderful Combination of Talent, and Extraordinary Exhi- bition of Musical Genius 253 LETTER XL. The Author as a Prime Evil Granger 257 LETTER XLL Organization of the Pine Grove Ku-Kluckers 361 LETTER XLH. The Author under the Weather 267 LETTER XLIII. Our Correspondent maketh an Enemy, and discourseth to ye many Friends 271 LETTER XLIV. Wherein is briefly described an Occurrence which can happen only once a year, and wherein is also narrated a Perform- ance that can occur at ajiy time, but probably will not. . . 376 LETTER XLV. The Semi-Centennial of Thomas Jones, Esq., with all the ac- companying Festivities pertaining thereto 280 LETTER XLVI. My Novel ; or, Varieties in Pine Grove Life 285 PINE GROVE LETTERS. LETTER I. AN INDEPENDENT DAT AND A CELEBRATED PEO- CEEDING. Pine Grove, N. T., July 5. ' JL S we liad a regular time here yesterday ; ^f some of our people wished rae to write you a few lines, and let you know what Fourth of July means out this way. Having had no regular celebration for many years, we determined to have one, and a committee was appointed to collect funds and such like. Tommy Jones, the tavern-keeper, the principal man in the place, put his name down for $5, which greatly encouraged the committee. Deacon Amory gave $2, on the understanding that his son, who is about to graduate at your highest school, should deliver the oration, and what with one and another the committee succeeded in raising $34, and at once sent a man to Tlochester to buy fireworks. 14 THE GLOKIOUS FOUKTH. The choir of the Methodist church volunteered to sing, Miss Evaline Dore was appointed to read an original poem, Parson Wilks to pray, and George Low, the lawyer, to read the independent decla- ration. The sexton ao-reed to ring the bell at sun- rise, or as close to it as he could, and the boys in the blacksmith's shop to fire off the anvil when 60 disposed. Tlie procession was to march from the tavern to Feriu's orchard where the exercises were to take place. This arrangement did not meet tlie approval o£ T. Jones, who wanted the thiiio; to ffo off in the street, and he demanded his money back. lie wanted it close to the tavern, as he thono'ht it would make lousiness livelier. He afterward consented to a compromise that after the oration the procession should march back to the tavern. The arrano-ements all com- pleted, we waited in anxiety for the coming of the day that came at last. The old church bell was completely pealed at daybreak, and the way the boys made that anvil zip, having stayed up the night before to l^e on hand, was a caution to win- dow-glass, which suffered according. The Stars and Stripes was swung to the breeze off from a 2:)ole on the tavern, and Johnny Siser and Pat Sweeny set up a stand on the corner for selling THE GLORIOUS FOURTH. 15 lemonade and things. At jjreciselj ten o'clock the procession formed in the street nnder the command of Capt J. B. Long-, who was a soldier once, and moved as follows at the word go : Capt. Long- on a horse. A fif er. Another one. Four snare drummers. Two base drummers. Orator. Reader. Parson WiJks. Poet on a pony. Citizens. The ground was soon reached, it being just around the corner, and the performers took their places on the stage. Parson Wilks made a praver, which was a little tedious, but of good character, and contained no allusion to politics, as sever&l Democrats had bet. The choir then sang America, Miss Spraker presiding at the melodeon.^ George Low then read the Declaration, explaining it as he went along. Tlicn the band played " Hail Columbus " with a good deal of melody. The poet, Evaline Dore, recited an original poem — I have forgotten the name — written by Longfellow, 16 THE GLORIOUS FOUKTH. or some one else. Afterward the choir sang the " Star-Spangled Banner," and the crowd cheered considerable. Then Jimmy Amory delivered the oration, which was real nice, and showed his ed- ucation. Some of the girls threw bouquets at liim ; but as thej did not reach the stage they were appropriated by other persons into whose hands they fell. The audience were much dis- turbed during its delivery by certain persons, whose names are known, and which can be given if necessary, going to the tavern and coming back with considerable noise. Some of these persons went two or three times, more or less, pretending they wanted to see a friend. The oration was about three hours long, and was considered as Bomewhat too lengthy. As soon as Jimmy had finished, the boys shot off the anvil five or six times, the band played a piece, the choir tried to sing, but couldn't on account of the crush of the people, so the procession marched back to the hotel, where it was dismissed by Capt. Long with a few remarks which only a few fortunately heard on account of the noise. In the evening the fire- works went off, consisting of Roman candles, spinning wheels, chasers, which made the girls squeal some I tell you, blue lights, and another THE GLORIOUS FOUKTH. 17 one whose name I do not remember. The per- formance concluded at eleven o'clock, and every- body says they never had a nicer time. Tommy Jones, he says he hasn't had a better trade in a year, and considers the $5 with which he headed the subscription list well invested. Truly yours, R. S. Teueman. 18 DONATION PARTY AT PINE GROVE. LETTER 11. DONATION PARTY — WHAT WAS PAID AND WHAT W'AS played — MORE FUN THAN FUNDS. Pine Gkove, July 11. % IE had been considering for some time ^ about giving Parson Wilks a donation, particularly as he had been hinting pret- ty strong for two or three years that the annual sum of $300 wasn't very much to do business for, and other churches gave donations, and he didn't care about being made an exception to the rule, and, with this and some other things he let fall, we concluded that he wouldn't de- cline something of this sort if offered in a prop- er spirit and in a becoming way. So we sort of talked the thing up, and concluded to give him a lift, and have a little fun out of it ourselves The women did up the baking and cooking and fixing things to eat, and the men examined DONATION PAKTY AT PINE GKOVE. 19 their pocket-books to see how much would be left after giving the smallest bill in them. So last Saturday we sent word down to the parson that we were going to give him a surprise party, and to get ready for us, and he said he would try and be at home. When night came some twenty of us went over with baskets of provisions and other thino-s that we reckoned mi^-ht come handy in the family. The folks were very much surprised to see us, of course, and had all their lamps lighted, and the house looked quite scrump- tious-like. The women adjourned to the kitchen to unpack, and the men talked to the parson about crops and things, and he looked quite pleased and delighted, and said he was glad to see us. The folks kept dropping in until the parlor was full. After a little the younger boys and girls plaj'ed " snap and catch 'cm " until the girls had been kissed enough, and then they sat down in a circle and tossed a handkerchief from one to the other, saying, " I send my ship to you loaded with B," and the one to whom it was thrown had to say " barley," or " beans," or some other word beginning with B, or be judged, and no one was allowed to say the same word twice. "When B was exhausted, they went along down to &, when 20 DONATION PAETY AT PINE GROVE. the game went by default. I never saw the game played before, but it made lots of fun, 1 tell you. The older people got into a corner and talked about the rest very comfortably. Pretty soon Jimmy Amory came in, and in a little while we all got quiet while he presented the money to the parson, together with a few remarks. The people crowded around so that I could only catch a word now and then, such as " beneficent," " shepherd of the flock," "beatitude," " crystalline," "balmy," " patriarch," " undying gratitude," " the in- closed," etc. The purse was well filled, but most- ly with coppers, which weighed heavy, but didn't count up very fast. The whole of the sum total was $12.42, which was doing very well, consider- ing, but not so well as many expected. As soon as this part* was concluded some one said supper was ready, and presently nearly everybody said it, and it wasn't a very long time before the peo- ple found out where it was. I judged from the way they acted that the amount of provisions left uneaten would scarcely afford nourishment for the parson's family for any considerable time, and I guess he thought so himself, though he en- couraged them all to eat, and set them a pretty good example too. At 10 o'clock we all went DONATION PARTY AT PICTE GROVE. 21 home and determined to have another donation next year a little later, when apples are ripe. I will try and send you an account of it. E. S. Trueman. 22 KLINKEE. LETTER III. LIFE EECORD OF A WONDERFUL l^A.^ — INGEIfUITY GOD-FATHER OF INVENTION NECESSITY IN THE EOLE OF LEADING LADY. PmE Grove, Juli/ 14. HERE is a person who lives in our vil- lage, and his name is Klinker, of whom yon may have heard. This Klinker sets himself up for a born genius, and is as much that as anything else. His particular and best hold is invention, and he certainly is one of the most in- genious fellows I ever knew or read about. He is one of the lions of Pine Grove, and every visitor who is shown around the town is taken to see lOinker just as much and as certainly as Tommy Jones's tavern is visited. I wish I knew as well how many people have been to see Klinker as I know wliere he lives. The number would be astonishing. He is usually a genial sort of chap, but pretty high-strung sometimes, and says Pine Grove isn't the place for a man of his calibre. KLINKEK. 23 It is too far from Rochester, and takes too much time to get there and back, which place, accord- ing to him, is the very hub of the uni verse. This Klinker has invented a great many wonderful things, many of merit, a few of no use whatever, and he has never availed himself of the privilege to patent and sell. Like most other inventors, liis mission ends with the idea, or extends no further than a rude model, which is thrown away for something new. The most practical thing he has done lately is a wheelbarrow with a wheel and handles on both ends, which enable it to go either way without turning it around. He has just fin- ished one, and it works nicely, and he proposes to sell all he can the coming year. He got up a shovel with a hoe on the other end of it, which was very handy for gardens. He set himself to make a waterwheel, which, in addition to fur- nishing power, pumped the water back into the pond and prevented waste. With this wheel, it made no difference whether the season was a wet or a dry one ; but he sort of failed on this. He made a watch that had the least machinery about it I ever heard of. There were two springs of different tension, two wheels, and an lu^iir and a minute hand, and he thought he saw his for- 24 KLnSTKEB. tune in it. But lie didn't, for, al though the hands went around the dial, they couldn't keep correct time worth a cent, and he tinkered at the thing most a year. He got up an instrument which he called a luxometer, which measured the degrees of light on the same principle that a thermometer denotes the degrees of heat. It was a useful thing, especially for dark nights, and a person could tell by it how safe it was to travel fast in the night. It was graded from to 50. Zero meant the clearest sunlight, and 50 blacker than tar. Before he got it fairly in running order he up and quit it for something else. He turned his attention to fruit jars, and succeeded in making one that he intends to exhibit at the next county agricultural horse-trot. He struck it that time, for, without exception, it is the neat- est, most simple, secure, and all-right-every-way fruit jar I ever saw, and I have had experience in every kind, from family jars to Jar-vis Lord. He took a common quart glass jar, made a hole in the side of it and fitted in a faucet air-tight. Then he filled it with fruit just as it came from the bushes, fastened down the top, put his mouth over the end of the faucet, sucked out all the air, and turned the stop-cock tight. The fruit will KLINKEK. 25 keep for any length of time. Air decomposes fruit. (I guess tliat's the right expression.) Take away this element and the fruit must remain good until air reaches it. It can't help it. When you want to open the jar, turn the faucet and let in the air. I am acting as agent for the sale of these jars, and will fill orders for the same as soon as we can send to Rochester bv the mail- carrier for another dozen faucets. This Klinker got up an improvement on stoves which will be appreciated by all truly loyal housekeepers and men of families, and will save considerable swearino; during: house-cleanina^. How did he do it? Simply by putting castors on the legs, so the stove could be moved about like a wagon, with- out lifting. lie made a glass watch for repairers, which magnified the works of the watch, but would not magnify the workman's fingers nor the tools he mio;ht be usino-. He manufactured some ink that dries the moment it touches the paper, and saves wear and tear of insurance blotters. He got up a self-sharpening lead-pencil, and the point never breaks at unexpected times, with a cast-iron head that will not wear out by chewing on it. lie made an improvement on oil lamps, so that the smoke and consumed wick, by an inge- 26 KLLNKEK. nious process, are condensed into oil, and run back into the lamp. He got up a combined agri- cultural implement, which ploughs, harrows, and sows at one operation. He made an instrument for manufacturing pies and cakes, which works completely, and which will run half an hour without re-winding. He invented an apparatus for catching the smoke from chimneys and con- verting it into lampblack in three minutes at an immense profit. He contrived a pair of specta- cles for near-sio-hted horses for road travel and general use, and hopes to introduce them to an appreciating public at an early day. He uses the same contrivance on vicious cattle with wonderful success. A cow in the habit of jumping fences can be cured completely in one operation. The cow with the spectacles on takes a notion to jump the fence into the next tot, where there is better eating, or maybe tliere isn't. The cow can't tell till she tries it. She comes to the fence, which in reality is about four feet high. The spectacles make it appear twelve. The cow takes one look through the glasses, concludes it won't work, is somewhat astonished, and goes to grass again. I can't think of half the things that Klinker has invented, and he goes on so all the time. He is a KLmXEE. 27 huster^ and that's about as big a compliment as I ever pay anybody. Things are quiet here since Parson Wilks' donation. K. S. Tkueman. 28 PECCAVI. LETTER lY. APOLOGY — THE TRUE INWARDNESS OF A SEWING- SOCIETY GENERAL INFORMATION. Pine Grove, July 19. ^ AM sorry I wrote you about Klinker last week, for on Sunday, while I was refresh- ing myself at Tommy Jones's, K. came in with the Chronicle in his hand, and pointing to my letter in it, said hysterically, "Is that your work?" , lie looked so fighty about his eyes that I said, " How ? " and declined at once to answer. But this only added oleaginous fuel to his fire of wrath, and the way he went on was fearful. He said I was his enemy, going about in sheep's gray cloth- ing ; that I had made his best productions public property, and he saw the preserved fruits of twenty years of labor going to decay, and I was the exclusive author of all this misery. I tried to pacify him, but he kept getting redder in the face and more abusive of tongue, and finally, PECCAVI. 29 after telling me to go to a certain place I need not more particularly specify, but which I can- not think of in such warm weather without being thrown into a state of violent perspiration, he tore the newspaper in pieces and trampled it under his feet. lie then went away. I con- cluded from this that the partnership existing be- tween him and myself was let out, and he can take his old wheelbarrows, his fruit-jars, his stoves and near-sighted spectacles out of my barn within a month, or he will hear of something not particu- larly of advantage to himself or his chattels. I sup- pose you want to hear the news from Pine Grove. The place is growing some and improving a little. Mr. Adams has been painting his fence a drab color, which gives it a fine appearance. Mrs. Stringer has had two new boards put into her sidewalk. Mr. Dany has been mending his way similarly by putting in a few shovelfuls of dirt in a hole where the water used to settle. Mr. Low has had his conductors fixed, which greatly im- proves the appearance of his house on the east side. Mr. Kobinson has put in two new pickets in his front gate and expects to make other alter- ations during the coming fall. Tommy Jones has had a new spout put oii his pump in front of the 30 PECCAVI. tavern, "whicli needed it badly, and has boiiglit some smaller-sized glasses for his bar. The latter movement has created considerable excite- ment, and a rebellion is momentarily expected. William Scroon has been patching up his roof so that it looks like a big checker-board. He has also made a new hole in the hitching-post before his liouse, the old one having worn out. So you see that the Grove is flourishing, and property has advanced considerably in consequence of the late imjDrovements. A regular meeting of the sew- ing society was held on Monday afternoon, as soon as the women got their washing out, to talk over matters and things, and particularly about the for- eign war. The attendance was large, and the pro- ceedings animated, in consequence of a few old ladies whose grandsons were liable to the draft, and who wouldn't stand corrected on the fact that the United States were not subject to military duty on account of French and Prussian imprudencies. The subject of Mrs. Scroon's new bonnet, and her dangliter's pai'asol, came up for discussion, and a fortunate thing it was neither of these ladies was present. The consequences might have afforded a theme for a funeral oration. Mrs. Harris and Mrs. "Wiley had a set-to as to whether Miss PECCAVI. 31 Dany's new mantilla was cut bias or how. Young Amoiy was reported as having gone home with Ann Eliza Wren from church the night before, and with hanging over her father's front gate longer than politeness or necessity required. An investigating committee was appointed to circulate the news, and to make inquiries how long this thino; had been ffoino- on. After a good deal of tea the society adjourned, mentally and physi- cally refreshed. Crops are coming in bunkum. Farmer Smith says if the yield holds out he will have as much wheat per acre as he did last year, but if it doesn't, he won't, and he can't tell certainly till he finds out. Farmer Bowen says he shall have from 150 to 400 bushels of oats, and calculates to make more cider than usual on ac- count of his son coming home to stay next winter. Cucumbers will turn out well. Tlie butter and cheese crops are promising, and eggs are looking finelv. I ariiess that's about all there is to write. This affray with Klinker has unsettled me. I remain sadly yours, R. S. Teueman. 32 CONSULTATION OF THE INNOCENTS. LETTER V. A BEASTLY AFFAIR CONSULTATION OF THE INNO- CENTS — DOGMATIC EXHIBITION OF CANINE SAGA- CITY. PrNE Grove, July 85. WIISTG to the varions accounts in the ISTew j^ York Weekly Tribune^ the St. Louis and San Francisco papers, concerning the ex- treme prevalence of mad dogs, the town board here thought it best to take a little action on the subject, if only for the sake of appearance ; so they passed an ordinance that all dogs in the to\vn be muzzled or walk up and be shot. The result of this movement, as might have been anticipated, was, that a call was immediately issued for an in- diw;nation meetino; amono; the doo-s. The call was freely circulated among the adjoining towns, and the meeting convened last Saturday night at the square in front of the Methodist church. The dogs began to assemble at midnight. A numer- ous delegation from abroad were present to wit- CONSULTATION OF THE INNOCENTS. 33 ness tliG proceedings and tender their aid and sjmpatliY. At 1 o'clock the meeting was called to order by Lame Jack, who presented the names of Mr. Bow Wow for chairman and Mr. Howler for secretary. Mr. 13ow Wow begged the audi- ence to accept his thanks for such umneritcd honor, and said he would endeavor to deal impar- tially on all questions submitted to him. He said it was high time for action to be taken. Self-preser- vation is the first law of dog-kind. If the so-called superior animal, man, dared to make laws where- by the rights of his hearers were trampled upon, it was their duty to resist them. Remember John Brown and the Boston tea-party. (Here tlie audi- ence wagged their wigglers with intense approval.) On motion, a committee was appointed to draft resolutions, and the chairman named Slim Harry, Fido, and Jo as such persons. These gentlemen then retired around the corner of the church with a sheet of paper and a lead-pencil. Fighting Jim wished to enter his solemn protest against being muzzled or sliot. He had served his country faithfully, had fought many battles with success ; and for his part he would never, no, never, con- sent to be muzzled. If we must die, let us die like men — he begged their pardon, like dogs — 34: CONSULTATION OF THE INNOCENTS. unpolluted with any such fancy contrivances as wire baskets or buckled straps. (Tremendous ki- yis.) Mr. Snarler said that he would counsel strong action. We must be united in this matter. We must pull together. For what says the poet ? " In onion there is strength." Therefore let there be onion among us. Let us lay our hands upon our hearts, and with the cry of justice on our lips, march on to victory or death, particularly the former. (Here Mr. S. bowed and the audience bow-wowed.) Mr. Growler desired to make a few remarks, which, although somewhat foreign to the questiou in hand, were, nevertheless, of vital interest to all. He wished to call attention to the deterioratiou in the cpiality of mutton. He admitted that the prior question, that of self- defence, was worthy of attention, and had been ably discussed, but here is something of equal im- portance. Bevenons a nos moutons. Farmers take less care of stock than formerly, and, as a result, the meat is less juicy and nourishing. A friend and himself had sampled several flocks this season, but he found everywhere the same result. He desired the meeting to take action on this subject. (Great sensation.) The chairman CONSULTATION OF THE INNOCENTS. 35 remarked tlmt the subject, unquestionably, was one of great importance, but ho slioukl be com- pelled to decline entertaining it until other mat- ters of more transcendent interest had been dis- posed of. This announcement created consider- able disturbance, and the friends of Growler showed their teeth, and made proposals of an iinpacific nature to a few shaggy veterans who backed up the chairman. The efforts to get up a muss were promptly growled down, the chairman declared the proceedings decidedly out of order, and said that the committee on resohitions had filed their report witli the secretary, who would now present it for the consideration of the meet- ing. The secretai-y, Mr. Howler, then begged the indulgence of the audience, and putting on his eye-glasses read as follows : Whereas, The so-called authorities of this so- called town have issued a so-called decree con- cerning the interests of a large class of the animal family; and Whereas, We are the identical ones whose interests are thus affected ; therefore be it Besolved, First: That we won't stand any such nonsense. Second : That we mean wai- to the teeth, and the teeth to the bone. Third : That we 36 CONSULTATION OF THE INNOCENTS. regard tlie act as unconstitutional, and as demand- ing the attention of the Society for tlie Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Fourth : That we hereby agree to unite ourselves as a band of brothers, into a union, for protection, aid, comfort, and assistance, and for these ends and purposes we pledge ourselves, our heirs, executors, and admin- istrators, now and forever. Slim Harry moved the previous question on the adoption of these resolutions, and the chairman announced as the result of the vote all eyes and no noses. A select quartet then entertained the meeting with a bacchanalian melody, entitled " A Whine Song," which was executed in the highest style of doggerel. At this juncture several of the neigh- bors, who had been unable to sleep on account of the enthusiasm of the convention, made a grand sally upon the ground with clubs and pitchforks, and the meeting at once adjourned without form. R. S. TkuemxVn. GKEAT MATCH GAME OF BASE BALL. 37 LETTER YI. GKEAT L'NMATCHED GAME OF BASE BALL — THE BASEST I EVEK SAW PLAYED. Pine Grove, August 1. ^^^^ AST Saturday three fellows from your city came over to visit Jimmy Amory. You see, tliey became acquainted with him at your highest school, and, perhaps, studied out of the same geography with him. Anyway, over they came Saturday morning, and they brought a wooden box with them like a fruit-crate, Mdiich had some long-handled beetles in it, some bent wire, two painted sticks, and a number of wooden balls with stripes on them. Besides that, they brought a keg which contained what they were pleased to call liquid refreshments, and I guess it was. After they had put up their horses at Tommy Jones's they went over to Amory's, and I did not see them again until afternoon. AVord 38 GREAT MATCH GAME OE BASE BALL. was sent around, liowever, that they were going to play a game of ball on the green in front of the meeting-house at 2 o'clock. The population ac- cordingly turned out to see the sport. At the ap- pointed hour the young men appeared upon the scene, and the first thing they did was to set the keg on the meeting-house steps and drive a faucet into it. Considerable interest was manifested in this movement by different persons, which was natural. We bear no antipa,thy toward faucets. The young fellows then put the bent wires into the ground in different positions, drove a stake at each end of the plat, and then chose partners. Not hearing their full names, I can only give their first names, which may seem disrespectful, but how can I help it if it does ? A fellow named Charlie paired off with Jimmy Amory, and one called Jack with the other one, named Bill. Then, to commence the game, they filled up some tum- blers with handles to them out of the keg, and, clinking them together, swallowed the contents in a masterly way astonishing to behold. Charlie then put his wooden ball near the first stake, hit it with his beetle, and sent it throusrh two of the wire hoops, went after it, and turning around in a graceful way, sent it up in front of another hoop. GEE AT MATCH GAME OF BASE BALL. 39 •wliicli he called position. Then Jack M'ent throngli the same performance, only he tried to hit Charlie's ball, but missed it, struck a stone, when it bound- ed back and hit a little bov on the nose M'ho was lying on the grass, and made it bleed. First blood for Jack and another game of bawl at the same time. Intermission of a minute, when they all went to look at the keg, and Bill said the drinking reminded him of the song, " When the swallows homeward fly." And they all laughed. Jimmy Amoiy then hit his ball, but it did not go through any hoop, and they cried, "Out on the first." Jimmy didn't like it at all, nor any of us, because we wanted to encourage home talent. Then Bill, he hit his ball, and drove it through two hoops, struck it again and pinked Charlie's ball, which lie sent a long way off — into the middle of next week, he called it. Then he v>'ent through another hoop, shot for position in front of a side hoop, and retired in the direction of the meeting-house steps. To shorten the description and make it plain, Charlie hit Bill and sent him to the left field ; made a hoop, hit Jack, who hit Bill, who missed Jim, who pinked Bill, who struck Charley, who shot Jack, who didn't hit Jim, who fizzled. I have ex- plained the moves as well as I can, and hope it is 40 GREAT MATCH GAME OF BASE BALL. clear. The game lasted about an hour, and the lager, wliich I am giv^en to understand was the name of the beverage used, about the same time. On inquiry of your young citizens, I learned that the game -was called k-r-o-k-a, although I believe it is not spelled in that way. They assured me that the game could not be played successfully without the lager ; that it was the spiritual and essential part of it, and on that account chiefly it was extremely popular. It was very healthy (they referred to the lager), and very exciting (they alluded to the game). The young men, at the request of several of our prominent personages, sang a"'ffew songs from the meeting-house steps, such as " Bonny, fill up the jowl," " We won't go home till morning if we can help it," " Chaplain Kinks of the mare horsines," " Then you'll re- meme-e-ember-r-me-e-e," and a few other sacred songs. I somewhat regret this, from the fact that, since they left, all the whistles in the villa,ge have been going " from early morn till close of day," as a poet has beautifully said, trying to get the run of those tunes. It is somewhat painful to a sen- sitive person like myself to witness and listen to their efforts. Your young citizens went away safely late in the afternoon, and were ushered out GKEAT MATCH GAME OF BASE BALL. 41 of town bj the shouts of the populace. This morning Klinker called to see if I wouldn't go snucks with him on a new arrangement for cro- queting. He proposed to use a beetle with a spring to it, so when yon touch the spring the ball would move with greater velocity. In case this didn't work, he thought he could use an air-gun for shooting the balls, and dispense entirely with the beetles. After the outrageous treatment 1 had suffered at his hands, I respectfully declined snucking with him. R. S. Teuealajst. 42 APOLOGETIC. LETTER YII. m WHICH PAESON WILKS IS DELIVERED OF A SERMON. Pine Grove, August 22. ^^L 1^0 not know wlietlier an apology is in ^j^ order for apparent neglect in keeping you posted about affairs down here. I understand (and the whole world should appreciate) the necessity of a complete record of current events, and Pine Grove is expected to, and does, furnish its quota of incidents. But siclcness and distress are more frequently drawn in the great lottery of life than health and happiness, and of course I drew one of the common prizes. Two weeks of illness, accom- panied with a consciousness of unperformed du- ties, will incline any one to blasphemy, and I am confident that Dr. Plum received his share of gen- tle epithets, ISTot that 1 am usually profane, but when I order my physician to cure me in one week and he takes two, I should like to know how ATOLOGETIC. 43 one can avoid speaking feelingly. Therefore my temporary absence from your genial columns must "be ascribed to my temporary absence from health- So I make my humble confession and j)i*oceed to business. Parson AVilks delivered a fine sermon yesterday on "the wicked conduct of the foreign "war," and I crawled out to hear it. He said that the war was actually begun, that gentlemen or ladies might cry peace, peace, until they had the "bronchitis, but there was no peace. (P. Henry.) He said there must be no double-shuffle in this matter; we must take sides in this emergency. He thought Napoleon's best side was suicide. Still, people who could not think alike must think differently, and where opinions were not the same there must be a difference in opinion. The French had aided us in 1776, the Germans had sympa- thized with us in our late rebellion. "Wliom, there- fore, shall we serve ? Under which King, Byzan- tium? (\Y. Shakspeare.) Tlie way it seemed to him now, the French had taken too much Prussic acid and were suffering for their carelessness. War was a terrible thing viewed in its happiest light. Sometimes men were shot. Not unfre- quently somebody got hit. Sometimes their limbs were torn asunder and naught remained but the 44: LOCAL ITEMS. life of a wandering minstrel going about with a roaring hand-organ seeking whom he may devour somebody. Should Prussia be successful the French will have fouo-ht in vain ; should France triumph, Prussia will have failed to accomj^lish what she desired. Whom, therefore, shall we serve \ The next gale that sweeps through the Atlantic cable will bring to our eyes an account of more bloodshed, provided another battle shall have been fought. Oh, my brethren and others, let us think of these things ; and thinking, take courage ; and being courageous, act, and acting, do something. The sermon was a line production, and when the sexton had awakened all the sleepers, except those who preferred to sleep until the con- tribution-box had passed them, the choir sang an appropriate hymn to the tune of " Shouting the battle-cry of," etc., and the meeting adjourned. LOCAL ITEMS. I learn from the family that Jimmy Amory is going to be married this week in flying colors ; but as I promised never to tell, I will keep my promise, or, breaking it, make another just as good. — Mr. and Mrs. Dany (his wife) set out on a LOCAL ITEMS. 45 tour to Rochester, and returned all right the next day, after a pleasant trip. They report many people "on the git," to use a familiar expression. They found the travelling quite dusty on account of the condition of the roads. — Wm. Jenks and Joseph Bunker went on a pedestrian excursion to the lake, Thursday, where they enjoyed them- selves hugely, returning the same evening. No one else has excursioned that I know of. It is astonishing how much good is done by a summer jaunt like that of Dany or William and Joseph. Health is restored, strength is gained, and we once more return to our daily labor just as if nothing had happened, so to speak. — A little scrimmage occurred at the tavern Saturday night, in consequence of a misunderstanding about the regular price of plain drinks. The fighter was quieted by knocking the breath out of him, which proved effectual. — The Sunday-school is going to picnic on Wednesday. Not being invited I shall take pains to be tliere. I'll let them know — (Here our correspondent's manuscript becomes illegible, in consequence, no doubt, of intense ex- citement, and the working up of his feelings to an exalted pitch). — Klinker is throwing himself on a new-fangled cannon, and has shot one side 46 LOCAL ITEMS. of his house off experimenting. — Tommy Jones's chimney was discovered on fire Friday, and there was a large turnout in consequence. A man was sent to Rochester after a steam fire-engine, but was recalled on ascertaiuino- that the fire went out itself. No damas-e was done. More scared than frightened. R. S. Teueman. THE PICNIC. 47 LETTER VII. THE SUNDAY-SCHOOL PICNIC; PROVING THAT THE WAYS OF SO]^IE PEOPLE ARE PAST FINDING OUT. Pine Grove, August 29. I wrote yon in my last, the church was to have a picnic, and on Wednesday it came to pass. I am sorry you were unable to read and print what I had to say when 1 men- tioned that I had not been invited. The abuse I received has been terrible. Everybody says my letter was originally written pitching into the society rough-shod, and that you declined to publish that part, pretending you could not read it. So I have had to catch it for what was not printed, as well as for what was. The way the coals of fire were heaped on my head Wednesday was enough to make a Hottentot agonize. If you compel me to be present and report all tliese picnics you will have to find another correspond- ent. I have no doubt Fox's Book of Martyrs is tolerably correct, but I will add my personal 48 THE PICXIO. testimony that the tortures and sufferings expe- rienced by tlie ladies and gentlemen therehi mentioned were joy and delight compared to what I have undei'gone. So you may make up your mind that 1 did not have a very pleasant time, I went over to the church in the morning, forgetting all about my unfortunate letter, hop- ing to catch a ride to the lake with the rest of them. Kobody spoke to me. I said " Good- morning" to one, and "How do do?" to an- other, and the more I 2:ood-mornino:ed and how- do-dood the more they didn't, but kept looking elsewhere, and talking among themselves, and turning their backs on me. Such an amount of backsliding as was performed for ten minutes I have never seen equalled. Pretty soon I spoke to Abbie Long, and said, " Why is this so-so ? " when the pert young lady replied, " My ma for- l)ids me to speak to anybody that writes lies to a newspaper," and wriggled away scornfully. This was an eye-opener, and I began to understand the cause of my ill-treatment. On going into the church the sexton said, " If you please, sir. Parson Wilks says infidels and ungodly persons are not to profane this church by their presence. Now git, darn ye." I temporarily got. Such a cool THE PICNIC. 49 reception somewhat riled my feelings, and I made up ray mind that I would go with them anyway. • So I climbed into a wagon and sat down. In a little while the children and their pa's and ma's came out of the church and com- menced to get into their conveyances. A great big fellow approached me in an insinuating way and said, " I don't care about a fight so early in the morning, but if you don't climb out of that machine in exactly two seconds, I'll make you in another." I got out with a second to spare. The result was that no one would let me ride, and it began to look as though I should take no part in the festivities. By this time the load of feathei*s on my camel's back was becoming very uncomfortable, and I had to stand on the church steps and see them all ride away, laughing and giggling at me, with the younger boys gyrating their fingers on their noses in a manner cal culated to rend the heart of a being so suscep tible as myself. When they had all dep)arted I went over to Tommy Jones with the fire of wrath kindled within me. Tommy, not being an essentially church or picnic-going per son, was at home, and to him I confided my grief. Between us we rigged up a rickety old 50 THE PICNIC. wagon and a horse almost as rickety, and Tommy made me np a little lunch, to be used in case of further accidents, as he delicately explained. He bade me farewell with a tear in his eye and a fur- tive smile playing about his mouth, and I gave him a few directions about the disposition of my effects in case the picnickers saw fit to manslaugh- ter me. The horse never having been trained to trot for purses, and being withal independent, with his own notions as to speed, and a will to exe- cute them, it was noon when I reached the lake shore, I was evidently expected, for a delegation of little boys came out to receive me, and I was welcomed with hoots and groans and little extem- poraneous songs, beginning, " The Trueman, the ruman, the rix-stix stooman," etc. I drove into the woods with a placid smile on my countenance, hitched my horse to a tree, and began to circulate among the people. My hearing being tolerable acute I was enabled to listen to such expressions as, " There's old Trueman poking down here," "His room is better than his company," " There's one too many here, and it isn't any one that came in the procession either." My reception was far from cordial. While I stood looking on, pretend- ing to be perfectl}' unconcerned, two young fel- THE PICNIC. 51 lows came to me, and, pleasantly enongli, invited me to take a row on the lake. Friendless as I was, I was prepared to second the slightest advances. Oat we went in a boat, and I noticed significant glances passing between them. I began to be sus- picious that mischief was meant. My sus23icions were at once confirmed by a sudden swaying of the boat, and over she went. Now swimming is my best hold, and I struck out for the shore, but my gentlemen were not equal to it, and clung to the boat, bawling loudly for help. A boat was sent out to tliem, and I enjoyed a hearty laugh while they were being towed in. When dinner was ready I went for my lunch. Not a sign of my horse or my wagon or my lunch was to be found, and what the rascals could have done with them was beyond my ability to imagine. As their cash value was somewhat more than I was able to ad- vance, supposing them never to turn up, I began an unsuccessful search through the woods that lasted until dark, and until the picnic had started away, I footed it bravely home and arrived at Tommy Jones's in a decidedly used-up condition. I found that mv horse and wagon had been driven to the barn and left there some time during the forenoon, but Tommy could not tell who did it.' 52 THE rioNio. Probably some of the picnickers, to add to my chagrin. Don't I wish I knew who it was! Um-m ! I do not think mnch of picnics any way. — I have no time to make any further expla- nations, but it is evident enough to me that my Pine Grove letters are getting me into hot water. Sorrowfully yours, R. S. Tkueman. A EEMAHKAELE OCCUKEENCE. 53 LETTER IX. WHEREIN IS NARRATED A REMARKABLE OCCUR- RENCE, UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN ON A SECOND OC- CASION. Pine Grove, Sq)t. 1 ARSON WILKS is a high old chap, and knows more nonsense in ten minutes than I could remember in ten weeks. It so hap- pened last night that I thought it my duty to step over to his house and see if it was true that his hard cider had entirely given out. "While I was leading up to the subject in came Jimmy Amory and Cap- tain Long on the same errand as myself. Such is friendship in Pine Grove. AVhile we were wrig- gling on our chairs the Parson opened his writing- desk and, pulling out some foolscap paper, said : " I would like to read you a little story I have just been writing," and before we could say more cider and less talk, he l)cgan : 54: a eemaekable occukkence. Virtue its Own Eewakd. A GENUINE FAIRY STORY. Once upon a time, and only once, there lived a gentleman by the name of Sliver. Now Sliver was monarch of all he surveyed, and a little more. He had a little kingdom somewhere on the map, and at least 1,100 yeomen bowed the knee before him whenever he requested them to do so, and were his true and loyal subjects. I cannot say whether he ever had a Gessler freak, and stuck up his cap on a pole, and invited his people to make obeisance unto it, but I am quite cei-tain none of them would have acted the part of William Tell, even if he had done so. He had a singular name, but not half as singular as this story is going to be. You may suppose by this that he wasn't very much of a king, and that his dominions were not very ex- tensive, but the fact is he was considerable of a monarcli ; always prompt in collecting his rev- enue, paying his debts like a man whenever he felt like it, and never getting into quarrels with his neighbors and gunpowdering them out of house and home. His subjects loved him. It's an awful thing to have 1,100 people in love A KEMAEKABLE OCCUEKENOE. 65 with jou all at once, bnt King Sliver somehow got along with it, and Mrs. Sliver hadn't the least particle of jealous}' in her nature. The royal family was a very nice one. It was small, neat, and compact. There wasn't any out- side relations either, bothering round and drop- ping in to dinner when the larder was empty, for the good king had taken particular pains to chop off the heads of a couple of brothers of his, a maiden sister, and a double handful of nephews and nieces, so that he had things pretty much his own way, and wasn't troubled about the crown going outside the family when he died, which he hadn't the least expectation of doing. There was only one drawback to his happiness, and that was his inability to get hold of another re- lative of his for the purpose of decapitation. This was his o-randmother on his father's side. She was a very peculiar person, this grandmother. She had a great deal of mystery about her, and could put her hand in her apron pocket at any hour of day or night and pull out a fist full of shinplasters, which was certainly a trick worth knowing and a very desirable accomplishment. She was also able to ride a broomstick through the air with ease and celerity, and wnild turn such wonderful sunnner- 56 A EEMAEKABLE OCCURRENCE. sets while joiiniejiiig in this manner that, if she had onlj consented to travel with a menagerie, she could easily have made her own fortune and that of her employers. But she didn't go much on cir- cuses. Tliese things were all well enough, perhaps, but she had several other habits which were by no means to be approved. For instance, she was able to crawl through a key-hole without apparent difficulty, though how slie managed it is entirely beyond my comprehension, for she wore No. 7 shoes with double soles. Then again, by the use of some outlandish gibberish which I don't care about repeating, and which I couldn't repeat if I did care, slie could transform any human being into an animal, or anything else, which was a very unpleasant thing for the j^erson selected for the experiment. Therefore it is no wonder that the good King Sliver was exceedingly anxious to rid himself of such a dangerous grandmother, nor is it a matter of any great surprise that he resorted to all sorts of ingenious devices and stratagems to accomplish his purpose. On one occasion he invited the old lady to tea, and she came. You never saw such a polite old fellow as the king was then. So were A KEMAKKABLE OCCUKKENCE. 67 the entire fainil}', who were in the secret. But riglit in the midst of the meal, while they were talking about the last party, and the new skating- rink, and other interesting topics, up jumped the king, struck his left breast a violent blow, and cried out, " Sirrah ! seize upon this woman, and convey her to yonder dungeon keep." And when the sirrahs, six in number, came stumbling in to excute the order, what did the old lady do but hop over their heads and go out of the door kiting, muttering something, the meaning of which was not at first understood until six teacups, Hying off from the table, fastened themselves upon the noses of the six unfortunate sirrahs before mentioned, and so firmly too that all the king's men and oxen couldn't have pulled them off, even if the attempt had been made, w^hich it wasn't. King Sliver was very much frightened, and tried to break the cups off from the men's noses, but as fast as he broke out a piece another came in its place, and at last the king had to send them away with half a dollar apiece and a promise to pay the doctor's bills, and I have no doubt a fine rumpus was kicked up by their several families when the men arrived home. It isn't very much of a joke to go through life with au unremovable teacup balanced on the end 3* 58 A KEMAKKABLE OCCUKEENCE. of jonr nose. It served them right though, and if thev have o;ot into trouble throu-xh their mis- deeds they must get themselves out. I don't pro- j)Ose to shed any tears or ink to help them. The family of King Sliver consisted of live members ; himself, Mrs. Sliver, the two Misses Sliver, and a young Master Sliver, who was much given to street fighting, and to smoking penny grabs in the stable. King Silver was very eco- nomical. He made his wife and the girls do all the housework and the washing and the plain sewing (and there wasn't much of any other kind going on about those premises, I assure yon). When they had boiled mutton on Saturdays, which they usually did, you could calculate pretty close as to what the Sunday and Monday dinner would be. He was a regular one, he was. He w^eio-hed out the flour and the meal and the butter, and measured the molasses and the rye coffee and the sugar, and he kept a set of household books in doulde entry, and you can well believe that there wasn't much stealing nor eating between meals going on in that house. The girls were well educated, considering the dearness of schooling, and were quite good-looking, in which respect they did not take after their A REMARKABLE OCCURRENCE. 69 father or grandmother. They had a piano which had come down to them through I don't know how many generations, and when any of the fellows came to call evenings the king used to lock it up and hide the key, for fear the girls would wear it out playing, " Come back, my own heart's love," or "What are the wild waves grumbling about?" or some of those pieces. Iv ot unf requently, too, this excellent sovereign would blow out the candles, lea vino: them entirely in the dark as to his future movements or their own, but after a while he found that the more he blew out the candles the longer the young gentlemen remained, so that eventually he gave it up and turned the girls' company out of doors at the respectable hour of nine, precisely. How they all hated the fairy grandmother! Tou never saw anything like it. They slandered her ; they abused her ; they called her names ; they would have torn her into pieces if they could have got hold of her and held on. It was hardly a safe proceedhig to talk at any length about the absent one, for one afternoon, while the ladies were vilifying her in a vixenish way, down came the grandmother through the stove-pipe aiid out of the stove door, and squatted on a table, and in- 60 A EEMAKKABLE OCCUKKENCE, stautaneonslj became as large as life, "What did the hypocrites do but kiss her, and call her their dear granny, and ask her to take her things off, and stay to tea, and remain all night, and tell her how they had been perfectly wild to see her, the sweet things. "Well, the old lady was up to all these feminine dodges, and I suppose she gave them a piece of her mind that they long should have remembered. The effect didn't last a ffreat while. I never knew a blowing-up that did. She was a shrewd old lady, this grandmother, and was always practising some ingenious joke to work upon the fears of her amiable relatives. She used to get into the boiled pork and cabbage that King Sliver ate so freely, and go down into his stomach, where she raised such an awful row that at last the physician to his majesty always had to be in attendance whenever the king dined upon his favorite dish. Then in the silent watches of the night she used to sit on his stomach and give him the nightmare, and the good king, wak- ing in fearful agony, would swear such terrible oaths that all the people within a mile of the castle would be aroused from their sleep, and lie shivering and horrified, until finally they were obliged to stop up all the key-holes with cotton, A EEMAEKABLE OCCUKREXCE, 61 and to wear night-caps with padded ear-laps to shut out such awful blasphemy. Things went on from bad to worse, and King Sliver began to think that he had acted a little hastily about chopping off the headsof his relations. With his grandmother still alive, all his former work availed him nothing. So, as a last effort, he offered an enormous reward to any one who would deliver the old lady's head to him. Xow all the people throughout the land loved their king much, and his money more, and themselves most of all, and, seeing in the great reward a pretty fair speculation, they made a grand hunt after the head, all except the half dozen with the ornamental teacups on their noses. Catch them again, would you ? But in spite of all the efforts made the head wasn't forthcoming, and the king was about to connnit suicide by eating double his usual quantity of pork and cabbage, which would have done the business to a certainty, when one day, while at dinner, and while roundly abusing his youngest daughter for putting two spoonfuls of brown sugar into her coffee, there came a vigorous ring at the front door-bell, and shortly after the dining-room door opened, and the royal family had the honor of witnessing one 62 A REMARKABLE OCCUEEENCE. of the most unparalleled sights it had ever been their good fortune, or any one else's, to behold. You may not believe it, but there stood that fairy grandmother without an}' head on, and with a biir basket in her hands. It was certaiidv a disao:reeable sio-ht, but nothing to what it was when the spectre, speaking out of its neck, said : " I have brought you what you desired. Hand over your stamps." Witli that the spectre opened the basket lid, and, taking out its own head, chucked it upon the table, wliere it cut a sorry figure among the tea- spoons and salt-cellars and goblets and plates and vinegar cruets. King Sliver ripped out a couple of yards of his favorite oaths ; his wife fainted and slid under the table; Master Sliver said, " What next ? " and the young ladies grew as pal- lid as their pocket-handkerchiefs. Then what did the head do but proceed to lecture the king on his crimes, and his wickedness, and his making the women do all the housework, and, wdicn his royal highness, exasperated beyond en- durance, made fearful passes at the head with the carving-knife, the head rolled out of the way, leav- ing the Aveapon quivering in the table, and went on talking the same as before. A KEMAEKABLE OCCUEKENCE. 63 At last the fairv OTandmother roachod out, and I/O ■' taking the head from the table screwed it upon her own shoulders in sueh an artistic way that, for the life of you, you couldn't have told where the joint was. Then, on my solemn word, the old lady took seven other heads out of the basket, and arranged them tastily in a semi-circle on the table, and the seven heads were nothing less than the former per- sonal property of the relatives whom the good king had murdered. How thev did o-ive it to King Sliver ! Oh, it would have made your hair stand on end to have heard them talk! Then, in some way, the bodies belonging to the heads got into the room, and the fairy grandmother united the sepa- rate parts, and there they all were back to life again, and so natural like, talking and smiling just as though nothing had happened. The king was silent. He saw the joke, but, being a discreet king, said nothing. Then the good fairy went to work and told the king how that his time had come, and that he'd better re- tire from business. That his kinf^-dom was about to pass into better hands, and that his relations were to reign in his stead, and a lot more talk c)f the same nature, which went conclusively to show to good Sliver that the circus was about to let out. 64: A KEMAEKABLE OCCUEEENCE. Mrs. Sliver, who by this time had recovered from her fain ting-lit and crawled out between a couple of chairs, burst into tears; the two Misses Sliver changed color and made spiteful remarks, and Master Sliver, with his hands thrust deep into his breeches pockets, was heard to declare tliat he'd be highjimmycracked if he stood any such con- founded nonsense. After this, the grandmother fairy metamor- phosed the entire royal Sliver family into plaster- of-Paris images and set them all up in a row on the mantol-piece in the dining-room, and, to this day, whenever pork and cabbage make their ap- pearance on the table, it is said that one of the images can be seen to visibly squirm. Thus did the excellent fairy bring about the cause of justice. If I were disposed I could ex- tract half a dozen gross of moral lessons from this simple story, but I don't propose to do any such thing. If anybody has any doubt of the truth of this narrative, all doubts can at once be removed by believing it. When the Parson had concluded, Jimmy Amoiy was nodding, Captain Long sleeping, and myself extremely thirsty, but as this was a feeling I had A KEMAEKABLE OCCURRENCE. C5 become accustomed to, I didn't mind it much. The Parson asked me how I liked the story, and I replied that it was, like myself, a little dry, but could easily be corrected. He said he would do both, and he did. Fairy-like, yours, R. S. Trueman. 66 THE CHAKMS OF MUSIC. LETTER X. Pine Grove, Sept. 5. PROVES THAT ALTilOUGII MUSIC, UNDER CERTAIN FAVORABLE CONDITIONS, MAY HAVE SUFFICIENT CHARMS TO SOOTHE THE BREASTS OF SAVAGES, YET ON APPLICATION OF THE PRINCIPLE TO THE WHITE MAN, A DIFFERENT ORDER OF THINGS IS LIKELY TO EXIST. "Double, double Toil and trouble." W. Shakspeare. IIUECII choirs, like gunpowder, require ■^"■^ to be handled with extreme caution lest they go off, at unexpected moments, in gi'and explosions, shattering tlie feelings of every- body within hearing distance. Choirs are troiiljle- some things generally. They are always kicking up some unpleasantness and dividing the people, and when they are not quarrelling with the peo- ple and the minister, the people and the ministers are picking flaws with them. I used to sing once THE CnAEMS OF MUSIC. 67 myself hi a choir, and very good music we used to make too. I know how it is. Pine Grove to a great extent has been spared this evil, and up to Sunday everything run as slick as a jews-harp. We have had a volunteer choir of twenty voices, and pretty tough voices, too, some of them were. I speak advisedly and without prejudice, for you see since my picnic fracas the church people and I don't go snucks any more. So being an outsider I can express my opinion freely and take sides with nobody. These twenty jubilees have had things their own way for a long time, and, like the Ilutchinson family, were strictly a baud of vocal brothers. Of course they had their little quirks occasionally, and got jealous, and mad, and quit, and eventually came back all right, but, in general, they have pulled straight. But their voices never chinked together. Such squeaking and grunting as they would get off at times was astonishing. Parson Wilks hinted pretty strong several times that they must do better, but, l)less you, they wouldn't mind hiui a bit. They didn't ask any odds of him. No, sir. "Well, Parson Wilks underwent the musical torture until virtue was beyond forbearance. Accordingly he planned a grand coup d'etat. (That's French, and I know it .) 68 THE CHAEMS OF IVIIJSIO. He went to work on the sly and got np a qnartette club, viz. : Air, Evaline Dore ; counter, Ann Eliza Wren; tenor, William Long; bass, George Low ; Miss Spraker, inelodeonist. It was all done up so nicely no one outside knew anything about what was going on. Saturday night the old choir squawked thi'ough a rehearsal, the parson actually being jjresent. Lie wanted to postpone the insup- portable, the heavy hour (as Shakspeare gallantly observes), as long as possible. On Sunday morn- ing the new choir got into the gallery in good season, locked the stair door and prepared their hymn-books for action. At last the members of the old choir began to come, and they found some- thing was up, but couldn't tell exactly what it was. Parson Wilks spoke to them, and told them quiet- ly, but firmly, that theii' services were no longer needed, and that he had arranged for the music in the present and future. Well, now, if you are a better, you can go your foundation dollar on the fact, and win every time, that there were more mad people in the porch of that church than you could shake a stick at. Mad is no uanie for it. Of all the exhibitions of surprise, indignation, tears, growl- ing, and internal sweariug I ever saw, that one took the premium. They could not do anything but THE CHAEMS OF MUSIC. 69 submit, for the gallery door ^yas locked (and a lucky tiling it was for the quartette), so at last they filed into the church in a body and sat down. The rest of the people were as much surprised as them- selves, and it did not take a great while for the news to spread among them wliat the matter was. Everybody turned around to look up at the gallery, and some in the back part of the church had to stand upon the seats to see. The new choir had a red face, but seemed to understand its business. The first hymn was sung very well, although every one of the old choir set up such a cough- ing it was impossible at times to hear the singing. But they could not cough them down. The last hymn was a failure. The twenty song- sters down stairs pitched in and sang so much out of tune and time, and discorded so terri- bly, and all on purpose, that the quartette had to give up the task as a bad job. You ought to have seen the twenty grins on the twenty faces. It was rich, I tell you. Parson "Wilks dismissed the cono-reo-ation at once. In the evening they had no singing, and the parson never gave out the hymns at all. I cannot tell how this thing is coming out, but I know that a first-class social volcano is getting read}' to 70 THE CHARMS OF MUSIC. erupt. If there is as much sulphur about it as about many volcanoes, little harm will be done, for sulj)hui- is good for eruptions. (This is a side joke, but I couldn't help putting it in.) I look upon the whole affair as a sort of judgment upon the society for treating me in the manner they did at the picnic, and I do not care very much how it ends. I believe that there is a punish- ment on earth, as well as hereafter, for evil deeds done, and here is an illustration of it. POLITICAL. We do not go much on politics down here. Sometimes we have a little fight on supervisor or justice of the peace, as we did when I was elected. The people are mostly Republicans and Demo- crats. The latter are pretty thick around the corners, but grow less the further you get from Tommy Jones's tavern. When I joke on this I always say that demijohn and Democrat are synonymous. A little money goes a long distance here in a political way, and we are anxiously waiting for the county and Congressional nomina- tions to be made. We have got our candidate for Congress picked out, and we are going to do our level best for him. His name is John Klinker. THE CnAEMS OF MUSIC. 71 He and I have settled our little diiBcnltv, and if things work right I shall yet have a government office of some kind. That is the arrano-ement between us. Murk my prophecy, Klinker is the man. (I put this out as a feeler.) K. S. Tkueman. 72 THE SAME OLD STORY. LETTER XL THE SAME OLD STOET — YOKES STILL EASY. Pine Grove, Sqjt. 13. *r,^^. HINTED to yon some time ao-o that " Jimmy Amory and Ann Eliza Wren were going to hold hands for life, and expected the happy event would come off two weeks ago. But, as usually happens in such cases, the dress- maker, the tailor, or some one else, failed to come to time, and a postponement was the consequence. Last week Thursday, however, everything had been sent home, from Jimmy's new hat to Ann Eliza's shoes, and the necessary preparations made for the marriage feast. All day long the odors of pump- kin pies and boiled beef floated out on the air to the roadside. All day long a few brave spirits de- corated the church with evergreens and hung the trees before old Wren's house with lanterns, and, with a forbearance beyond belief, steadfa.stly re- THE SAME OLD STOEY. Y3 fused to answer the thousand and one questions poured into tlieir unwilling ears. All day long a hundred tongues wagged merrily and incessantly ; dozens forgot tlieir dinners in the excitement of the hour, and everybody longed and waited for the comine- of the time that should make the deuce of hearts an ace. But I grow affecting. At 6 o'clock in the evening three carriages might have been seen, and for that matter, were seen, unloading their occupants in front of the church. First came Parson Wilks, and a minister from your city, whose name 1 did not learn, but who I understand, is a big gun at preaching. Pai'- son Wilks, with an eye to the division of the spoils, did not appear to like his assistant, and 1 do not blame him. Getting half where you should have all is an example in short division too hard for contemplation. The bride wore an elegant dress of some gauzy material, white slippers which I did not see, and a bewitching bon- net, a very triumph of millinery art. She had rings on her fingers and ribbons and bows wherever one would stay pinned, a chignon, a fan, and hands incased with gloves. Jimmy had on a new necktie, a tall hat, new clothes and shiny boots, and all the girls sighed when they beheld T4 THK SAME OLD STOKY. liim in all liis glory. As soon as the procession came up, we made a dive for the church, and filled the seats and aisles in short order. When quiet had been restored the two ministers came in and took their places before the pulpit. Then came Ann Eliza and her pa, Jimmy and Mrs. "Wren, Mr, and Mrs. Amory, and a few re- lations. It was a lovely sight. The air was redolent with the perfume of flowers and scent, the people had put on their goodly apj^arel, and pleasure reigned supreme. Wlien the contract- ing parties had been brought into line. Parson Wilks and the city man proceeded to cross-cpies- tion them in the most approved style, and pre- sently Jimmy and Ann Eliza became two souls with but a single tliought, two hearts that beat as one, as a poet (name unknown) has pleasantly observed. The parson then made a few remarks and commented for fifteen minutes, and the city preacher followed him up with a quarter of an hour's advice, when the meeting adjourned. The wedding corps filed out to the carriages, and drove away to Mr. \Vren's house amidst the cheers of the boys. Invitations had been given out for the party at eiglit. I expected to have been able to attend, but circumstances pi-evented. THE SAME OLD STORY. 75 I had a great many chores to do about the house ; had been workino; hard all dav, and did not feel very well. So, after thinking the matter over, I concluded that I had better remain away. Be- sides that, I wasn't invited. This was an over- sight, however, for Mr. Wren told me so the next day when I spoke to him about it. lie said they made quite a number of oversights. Dming the eveniuo; I went over to the tavern wdiere the sound of fiddles and noise of laughter could be heard coming from Wren's grove. As it was more than I could bear. Tommy Jones and I went out to see the fun, and walked up the road where we could acet a sio-ht of the festivities. The o-rove was lighted up with lanterns, the moonlight was picking its way among the trees, and the people were dancing on a platform that had been built. It was just like the night before the battle of Waterloo. Tommy said he guessed he hadn't time to go in, and as I did not care to, for reasons I declined to mention to him, we sat down on the horseblock and watched the proceedings for some time. It was hard at first to see them drinking their elderberry and currant wine, and feel that there was none of it for Joseph ; but we soon became accustomed to the situation. 76 THE SAME OLD STOET. The dancing was kept up to a late lionr, when Slipper took place. Tommy Jones got so mad hearing the dishes rattle that he declined to re- main any longer ; so we both came back to the tavern, and I went home. Altogether the wed- ding was a great success, and almost equal to our Fourth of July celebration, which I shall al- ways hold in everlasting remembrance. E.. S. Teueman. A DISPLAY OF PATRIOTISM. 77 LETTER XIL «L DISPLAY OF PATKIOTISM — THE SINGER MACHINE THE BEST. Pike Grove, Sept. 28. \ INCE the fall campaign opened I have had hut little time to write you. You see, an active politician like myself, in times like these, has his hands full without sending the news. I am hard at work for John Klinker for Congress, and, although I haven't got along far enough yet to report progress, still I flatter my- self that I am gaining ground daily. At first no- body went for Klinker hut himself ; after a little I went for him; and now Tommy Jones says he'll go for him if he don't settle that little bill of his. The fact is, Klinker is neither appre- ciated nor understood here, and somebody has got to do a large amount of hard work to bring him properly before tlie public. lie won't take any interest in the matter. Whenever I speak to him about it, he says he leaves the matter entirely 78 THE OHOm. in the hands of his friends, and then rushes off to his workshop to execute some new idea that has struck him about machinery or some other fangle. He can have the delegation from this town if he will only come down. I suppose you kr.ow what that means. I fear he will not come down, for he can't come down much lower than he is now, financially. I do not despair, however, but await the development of events. There is one thing about it that is much to be regretted. Scarcely a day passes but what a candidate for some office rides over here, and it makes bad work. On Sat- urday I counted fourteen candidates for Congress, eleven for county clerk, eighteen for county superintendent of the poor, sixteen for Assembly, and every doctor in the district for coroner. So what with their talk, and arguments, and pledges, and buying something for the boys, the commu- nity is getting badly demoralized and refuses to listen to the voice of reason. TUE CHOIR. 1 wrote you some time ago about the choir and the muss the church people were in, and now it has worked itself around into another shape. LOCAI. THINGS. 79 Ann Eliza Wren was tlie alto in the new clioir, but she up and got married, and no one could be found to take her place. The friends of the choir blame Ann Eliza very much for the step she took just when her services were most needed in the singing, and decline to listen to any expla- nation, George Low manifested such a disposi- tion to sing bass solos all the time that the tenor singer, William Long, got mad and threatened to quit at once unless his feelings were respected. The choir sang two Sundays — all that was left of them — but the bass and tenor sang so loud uo one could hear the soprano. As one might say, the soprano voice was drowned in a torrent of fierce melod}'. The old choir are a little less huffy than at first, and, I think, will work around all right after a while. Parson Wilks is going to fight it out on this line if it takes all the money he can borrow from his friends. LOCAL THINGS. The equinoctial storm has been postjioned on account of the weather, apparently. In conse- quence butter has " riz." — The boys begin to throng around the cidcr-uiill after dark, and the 80 LOCAL THINGS. sounds of laughter and old jokes come floating in on the evening air like chips on a mill-pond.- — Dany's horse, Jack, ran away Smiday and bi'oke everything except his neck all to pieces. That's what you get for riding to church on the Sabbath. People that put on airs must expect to have the wind taken out of their sails. Nothing personal intended. Oh, no, I guess ]iot. — Mrs. Stringer is troubled with a bad cough, which the doctor says may lead to a coffin. — The display of northern lights was so brilliant ^ni Sunday night that the boys and girls didn't get home from church until 11 o'clock. It is astonishing how much interest the young folks take in astronomy. R. S. Trueman. ABTS AND UANDS. 81 LETTER XIII. AET8 AND HANDS A SEKIES OF PEIZE ESSAYS. Pine Grove, Oct. 5. IMMT AMORT having been to colleore and returned unscathed, became struck with an idea, and last week he went around town trying to strike every one else with the aforesaid idea; to wit: a series of literary entertainments founded on horse-trotting, where in the best man should receive the first prize for the best essay, and so on to the worst man, who, in all probability, would receive a blessing. The idea was a complete success, and the striker and the struck, with a fair proportion of interested nobodies, came together last night at Tommy Jones' ball-room, which had been mopped out in honor of the occasion. There were four manuscripts only handed uj), and three of them were furnished by Parson VVilks. It is a sad commentary on tlie literary L* 82 AKTS AND HANDS. ahility of Pine Grove that one sponge should sop up tliree-fourtlis of it. But such are sponges. Jiuiuij Aniory having unanimously voted him- self upou the orchestra platform, proceeded to open one of the manuscripts, and read as follows : SuioiEK Rest. The fervid heat of July melts into the swelter- ing days of August. If we are going forth into green fields and sombre forests, or where the sea waves chatter on the shingly beach, or where nature's distillery pours forth its life-sustaining waters, which are healthy in j^roportion to their bitterness, it is hio-h time we were in motion. Later in the season the great crowds that throng the watering-places will have floated home on a high tide of weariness and disappointment, and the places of extortion that rejoiced in their pres- ence will know them no longer. Therefore let us at once gather together our purple and fine linen, our jewelery and personal adornments, and go forth, conquering and to conquer. We will seek the favorite resorts where chiefly we of the fashionaljle world do congregate ; we will Bwelter in the most compact of little rooms high ARTS AND HANDS. 83 upward on the road to the stars ; we will give aid and comfort to rebellion in our digestive appa- ratus by eating all that is set before us ; we will laugh, sing, dance, grumble, and, mayhap, swear, and at last — ah ! at last — return home and call the snffering we have endured and the tortures we have undergone — recreation ! Ah, me ! This is not summer rest. It is only a suicidal attempt to see and to be seen, at a cost of untold treasure and indescribable vanity and vexation of spirit. My brave associates, partners of my toil, my feelings and my fame ! if rest be thy object, if relaxation from many months of arduous toil be thy design, seek it not where giddy thousands wearily while away the days in fever- ish excitement, chained to the wheels of fashion's Juggernaut. Rather let thy retreat be where calmness and content abide ; by the margin of our inland lakes; in the deep recesses of the forests, where, far from busy haunts, you may seek and find that rest of body and peace of soul that fashionable watering-places can never give, but always take away. At this point Parson Wilks applauded vigorously. Jimmy Amory then proceeded to read an essay on 84 AETS AND HANDS. The Aet of Book-Keeping. Book-keeping, or, the forgetting to return bor- rowed volumes, is fast becoming one of the amenities of life. Wliat more self-satisfying feeling can take possession of one's soul than the contemplation of a well-stored library, accumu- lated by the persistent practice of book-borrow- ing and the steadfast habit of book-keeping ? If anything further be needed to complete the state of happiness into which you are thrown by this meditation on literature, it will be found in the delio-htf ul thono;ht that all this treasure of mind and matter, this glittering cavern of literary wealth, has cost you nothing. As this ecstasy ex- ists in the mind of the book-borrower, so in an in- verse ratio does the halo of sadness lioat over the soul of the book-lender. Upon his shelves many an empty space denotes the successful charges of the light brigade of literary gormandizers. Many a lovely set of standard works, rich in its blue and gilt, is short a volume or more, and stands a testimony of too im^ilicit confidence on l-he part of the lender, and a living witness of nianV inhumanity to man on the j^art of the bor- ARTS AJSTD HANDS. 85 rower. A favorite book is needed, or a partially foi'gotten quotation is wanted. The troubled heart rushes to his library, and, after a long search, suddenly remembers that he loaned this particular volume to somebody, but for the life of him he cannot recollect who that somebody is. As a rule, somebody never puts in an appearance. Ah, no ! half the enjoyment of borrowing books is lost in returning them, and few are so self- denying as to deprive themselves of a moiety of pleasure when they can have the entire quantity. When the apprenticeship to the noble art begins, the jDupil may be troubled with some qualms of conscience about retaining property not his own. But such feelings rapidly wear away, and give place to an anxious solicitude to continue the good work so Avell undertaken, and, like the busy bee, to gather honey from every opening library. By strict attention to business and a discriminat- ing application to lenders, an excellent collection ■ of books will be procured, one that will enliven the weary hours of the borrower, increase his knowledije and enlarge his understandino^, and l^rove a solace and a comfort to him as he up- rightly descends the hill of life. (Tumultuous applause from Parson AYilks.) 86 ARTS AND HANDS. The third productiou was An Essay on Flies. From all quarters of the State, and from iriany regions round about, the cry has gone forth that never before have our little friends, the gentle flies, been so numerous, manifested such blood- thirsty intentions, or conducted themselves with such an air of general recklessness. All remon- strances with them have been in vain, and the " spare the rod and spoil the child " argument has availed nothing. It is certain that the fly of to-day is not like his predecessor. The time has been when flies could readily be caught, could be gently mashed with the fingers, and thrown out of the window with a feeling of satisfaction akin to ecstasy. Xow, how changed ! In what school did these, our household enemies, learn their les- sons of wisdom and cunning ? From what instruc- tors did they derive that useful knowledge, that intuitive perception, so skilfully used ? "Witness their early morning efforts, when long fasting chrouo;h the dim watches of the nio-ht has made them particularly voracious. How they fly about in graceful undulations, with gentle murmurings, ARTS AND HANDS. 87 like tiny waves on ocean's shore, or anything else that muriiinrs similarly, and, at last, the period of mnrninring accomplished, they dive for your nose, and perform their little feats of light gymnastics over and on your brow and ej'es and cheeks, until it seems, in your sleepy way of thinking, as though ten thousand straws had conspired to tickle you to death on a wager, and had commenced proceed- ings with a fair show of winning. With feelings far from friendly you make a desperate dash at your oppressor, who is safe enough by the time you have jammed your hand against the head- board, and who presently returns in company with a few friends whom he has called in to sec the fun. If you have any idea you can catch them, or having massacred one appall the rest, be forever undeceived ! Millions of suffering hu- manity have been victims of the same idle delu- sion and have lived to chano;e tbeir belief. A fly, though of little stature, and of the race of hum-bugs, is no fool. He is constantly on the lookout for JS[o. 1 ; he knows where all the dain- ties are kept, and always calculates, and never in vain, to have the first taste of everything. My dear madam, who pride yourself upon your ex- cessive neatness in housekccinug, you may wrap 88 AETS AND HANDS. your undevoiired joints of meat in snowy napkins ; you may remove your jellies and sweetmeats into dark closets and out-of-the-way places ; you may secure and put away your pies and cakes in any manner that seemeth best to you, but, my word for it, the intellect of the fly will overreach you in a way that passeth all understanding. At this juncture Parson Wilks was observed to applaud with much Vehemence, Tlie next essay was entitled — " Who shall DEcroE when Hardware Dealers Disagree ? " The universal Yankee will have a great deal to answer for hereafter, particularly in the turning of his attention to stoves. Here are numberless kinds, each claimed by its inventor or disposer to be the shie qua non of the housewife's desire, and the ne jplus ultra of inventive progress. And such wonderful stoves, too ! The sight of a coal- scuttle throws them into a fever, and they shed forth caloric at the scratchino- of a lucifer. A single ton of coal will suffice them from October until May, and they will burn up all the slate and limestone that the miners choose to leave in the AET8 AND HANDS. 89 anthracite. This is the usual story told, with vari- ations for the more incredulous. For the good of the people, some thoroughly posted, wholly unpre- judiced philanthropist ought to issue a handbook entitled, "A Guide to Stoves, or Rest for tlie Weary." With such a publication, setting forth in plain terms the several advantages of the thousand or so different kinds of stoves in existence, one might be able to form an oj^inion of his own, \\athout being compelled, as at present, to accept the word of an unprincipled, perhaps ignorant dealer. As it is, A cracks up the Excelsior ; B runs it down and offers the Family Pacificator ; C (who has not the agency for the foregoing) breaks out against both, and confidentially recommends the Panacea. Now what shall we do in view of all these things ? That's the question, my lords and ladies. Either A, B or C, or any two of them, or all of them, are deliberate falsifiers and shameless prevaricators, or they labor under the most mis- taken of impressions. AVho is to set us right in this matter, now that winter is coming on and the new fashion i)lates for stoves have been published ? At the close of this essay everybody applauded, except Parson Wilks, who, inasmuch as he didn't write it, couldn't see anything applausible in it. 90 AETS AND HAJSTDS. When the noise had become somewhat disin- tegrated, a small boy, the property of Matilda Hooker, was observed to sidle down the hall and hand a paper to Jimmy Amory. The gallant apostrophe opened it, and after remarking that a new horse had entered for the race, proceeded to read as follows : ON PEESENTING A BOTTLE OF PERFUMERY TO A YOUNG LADY. Of wealth at the present I have none, My hopes on the future are bent ; I have naught of gems, nor of diamonds, And can give thee only a scent. The glorious fragrance of true love I feel that thou knowest full well ; Should' st thou ever require a reminder- Why, take out the stopijer and smell. Ah, life is but brief and fleeting, And pleasure's a short sweet song ; They are like this i)erfume I give thee, For I know that it will not last long. But this casket is not like life's joys, So mixed with care, trouble, and pain ! For when it grows weak and is empty — Why, then you can fill it again. AETS AND HA^vDS. 91 Farewell ! take this gift as a token Of love, hope, and constancy, And when thou smell'st it, remember The one who gave it to thee. At the close of this scentsless poem Jimmy Amory remarked that it would be impossible to bestow any prizes, inasmuch as three essays were written by Parson Wilks, and the remaining pro- ductions appeared to be anonymous, and as a mat- ter of justice — Parson Wilks wanted justice done though the tavern fell, and called for a division of the house ; but, inasmuch as considerable subtraction was going on, it was deemed best not to add to the difficulty by multiplying words ; and so the meet- ing adjourned, Tommy Jones confiscating the prizes. I guess I could tell who it was that wrote the essay about stoves, and the poem. But I am too • modest to even hint it. Baslifully yours, R. S. Tkuesian. 92 KLINKEE COMES TO THE 6UKFACE. LETTER XIV. KI.HSTKER COMES TO THE 8UKFACE WHOLLY UNDIS- MAYED. Pine Grove, Oct. 19. Political. HAVE dreaded for some time to write you, I have argued the case with my con- science and my sense of duty, and have finally readied a conclusion. The story has gone forth that my political influence doesn't amount to a row of hair-pins. If ill reports will find circu- lation, it is better tliat the truth be told by an honest man (that means me) than that lies should go nnrebuked. Now, hear me for my cause. Our town committee issued a call for electing dele- gates to the congressional and county conventions week before last. I had worked Klinker up to his fighting mark, and he had agreed to go in for himself for Congress and secure the delegation from his own towiL So when the meeting con- vened he went to work in his own interest, and KLINKEK COilES TO THE SUKFACE. 93 here is how he did it. lie got hold of an old codger, who is as deaf as an arithmetical adder, and took him off through the crowd out of sight. He was so energetic and vivacious about it that I felt greatly encouraged, went to work, and in five minutes had received twenty promises to go for Klinker's delegation, viz. : Klinker and my- self. Well, they got to motioning and amending and substituting and voting until I lost the run of the thing, and before I knew it both county and congressional delegates had been appointed, and neither my name nor that of Jolm Klinker had been mentioned or appeared on the list. I was mad, I was, and started for J. K. If he liad only kept in the bar-room where the caucus was held I know we could have carried our point, but I had not seen him since he went out with the old slab whose name is Milkins. I hunted all over after that fellow through the tavern, and shed and grocery, but no Klinker could I find. At last I thouglit of his barn and went to it. I found him. He was there. lie had old Milkins sit- ting on a box trying to explain to him about the new stove he had been inventing, and he was as red in the face as the sun in a fog, and perspir- ing as fearfully as a soda fountain on a hot day, 94 KLINKER COMES TO THE SURFACE. trying to pound into that old fellow's head how the stove worked, which, being deaf and feeble in intellect, Milkins of course could not under- stand. The stove is a neat thing anyway, and I do not blame Klinker for being in love with it. The fire department is like a box wood stove. In the centre there is a sheet-iron pipe two feet in diameter which runs up j^erpendic- nlarly about ten feet. In this cylinder you place a two-foot log of any length. Crowd it down so that it rests on the bottom of the stove. Build your fire and there you have it. As the bottom of the log- burns off it settles down and continues burning, just like a base-burning stove, of which I have seen pictures in the newspapers. Klinker calculates that a log twenty feet long will last a month. When the ashes that accumulate weigh exactly fifteen pounds, the weight presses down a spring door in the bottom of the stove, which flies back to its place as soon as the ashes fall out. There is also an ingenious apparatus at- tached to the stove for regulating the draft and so maintaining an even temperature. It works by the hot air from the stove, and operates similarly to the governor on a steam-engine. When the heat is great the revolving machine runs faster and KLINKER COMES TO THE SURFACE. 95 shuts off the draft. When the heat gets down, the machine, running slower, opens the draft. How- ever, that don't matter now. I talked to Klinker with tears in my eyes about deserting me in the hour of trouble and injuring his own canse, but he wouldn't listen to me. So I went away, leav- ing him hard at work trying to drive an explana- tion about his stove into that old wooden-headed Milkins, I gave up the Klinker job at once. He was too heavy a load to carrj'. I am sorry that this political business is over here, as I fear it is, unless things run close. It has been meat and bread for some of us, LiTEEAKT. The following poem was written by my eldest daughter, and was intended for a Fourth-of-Jnly present to her little sister. Having nothing else, she gave this poetry, which she refers to only as a mere "scratch," which is true compared to some, of her other efforts : CATEGORICAL PERHAPS PARAGORICAL. To my little sister on her cat. I muse upon thy dearest pet — What fitter theme for me to choose — And while my fancy takes its flight, Thy darling kitty also mews. OG EXINKER COMES TO THE SUEFACE. Ah ! kitty witli celestial eye, And little feet going to and fro ; Thy mistress fondly says " my own," And thou dost fondly say " mi-auo." Thy kitty is of lustrous hue, And like thyself sweet sleep prefers ; Should fortune flee thee, well I know Thy cat would share with thee his purrs. Ah ! life is short and peace is sweet, Why waste them when I wish to live ? I pause, and like thy kitty's paws, A scratch is all I have to give. CEOPPINGS. A2:)ples are our best hold here this season. Plenty of apples makes cider cheap and plenty. We can get along very well without flour, meal and pork as long as cider is abundant, but when apple-juice is dear and scarce, life becomes a bur- den and a snare. The circumstance is more for- tunate on account of the scarcity of water, to the drinking of which many are addicted, but it looks as though they would be obliged to give up their hydropathic practice and come down to hard cider. — Billy Jones run a sliver into his foot on Sunday, which his teacher thinks is a judgment upon him KLINKER COlVrES TO THE SUKFACE. 97 for wliistlins: in church. — Mrs. Strino-er has taken Johnny out of the district school on account of her finding something in his head besides knowledge. ■ — Somebody stole Parson Wilkes' umbrella last week. The parson says whoever it is has got beautifully sold. It is an imitation umbrella and only made to be carried for the sake of appear- ance, and not for use. R. S. Tkueman. 98 AN EA.KTIIQUAKE. LETTER XV. AN EAETHQUAKE IN WniCH EVERYBODY IS SHOCKED. Ppne Grove, Oct. 27. The Late Convulsion. PAPER published in your city, saj'S that the last earthquake was not felt in Monroe County last week (Thursday). I desire to say that that statement is all bosh, Rochester is only a part of Monroe County, and the worst part at that, and it was probably considered a sujBi- cient punishment for your city for one day to bo obliged to have the Democratic county convention, without heaping up anotlier terror in the shajje of an earthquake. So Rochester escaped ; but we had it bad in Pine Grove, which, as everybody knows, is in Monroe County. About 11 o'clock we had our first shake-up, which was only a premonition of other shocks yet to cqme. It rattled tlie houses a little, knocked down a few things, and set every- thing squealing. Tommy Jones was standing in AN EARTHQUAKE. 99 the tavern door, picking his teeth with a fork, and was thrown violently against the casing, which received liim on his nose and bent the fork double. First blood for the earthquake. At first he thought Deacon Amory pushed him, for the deacon was there, having dropped in a moment to take some- thing for his cold, from which he is a constant sufferer and has to medicate himself frecpiently with Tommy Jones's spirits to keep up his own. Tommy turned himself around as mad as a lunatic asylum and would have fetched the deacon a crack, and in fact did prepare himself so to do, but just then the earth g£i\e another quake, which shook the house and sent them both reeling. This was a severe shock, old Milkins, the deaf man, remark- ing that he thought the wind was coming up. All the tumblers and bottles in the bar came rattling down, and at least twenty shillings' worth of liquor went to waste. The funniest part, though, was that the convulsion rij^ped open a ^closet door, and out tumbled a lot of old traps, and among them was Parson Wilks's umbrella, which I wrote you in my last had been stolen. Deacon Amory wink- ed at me in a facetious way, and I reciprocated. " Upon my word," says Tommy, " here's the par- son's umbrella. How queer ! " And it was queer. 100 AN EAETHQUAKE. Then he called the stable-boy and bade him cany the article home, and to sav it had been found. Tommy's face was as red as his front door, but he never offered any explanation. It did not need any. In the grocery store, old Mr. Wren had just sat down en a wooden bench, when the second shock came. It was so violent that it cracked open the bench, but it closed right off and canght "Wren in it. It was painful to hear his agonizing shrieks, and we concluded that some- thing besides his coat was caught in the bench. He rushed out of doors, dragging the bench with him, and ran round and round in a circle, howling like an Indian, mitil some one brought an axe and released him. Mrs. Stringer was just yawning when the shock came, and it dislocated her jaw so her mouth would not close, and she was obliged to ride three miles in a lumber wagon over a rough road, with her mouth stretched open to its fullest extent, which is considerable, to get a doc- tor to shut it. Matilda Hooker was doing up her washing at the time, and the quake set her right down into a tub of hot soap-suds. She didn't remain therefor any length of time. Betsy Mc- Cracken caught her wooden leg in the sidewalk, which the earthquake caused to close on it, and iSaa?£ O'/^ocjfJ'rq OCCu/t/ftvci'^ ^/^ire G/roVc. .(J^ge Joo.} AN EAKTHQUAKE. 101 was unable to stir until Pat Sweeny got a saw and sawed her leg off close to the walk, when the McCracken pegged off, looking like the walk- ing-beam of a steamer in consequence of the in- equality in length of her supporters. Mehitabel Jenkins, the schoolma'am, was just punishing a little boy for sassing, and was holding his hand to make ready. "When the shock came it threw the boy away, and she hit herself a terrific blow with the ruler on her hand. It must have hurt, for she is an awful blower. Considering the amount of shaking done, the damage to property will be slight. Fifteen dol- lars I should judge would set ns all right. Four shingles fell off from Mr. Dauy's house, and two bricks from George Low's chimney. Eleven panes of glass were broken out of the church, and a dozen were badly damaged. The church trustees had a meeting about it, and concluded to putty up the damaged ones and let the others go, as they would help to ventilate the meeting-house. There were three shocks in all, but the last did no damage. Many thought the woi-ld was coming to an end, and were very much frightened. They soon recovered when they found that the earth- quake had come to an end. We don't think we 102 AN EAETHQUAKE. like them, and if this sort of thing is going to be established as a rule, we propose to move into the next county. "VVe cannot afford to take the chances. Yours in fear and trembling, R. S. TRUElVtAN. AN ATTACK OF INSPreATION. 103 LETTER XVI. AN ATTACK OF INSPEEATION — A MISSIONARY MAN PUTS IN A DECIDED APPEARANCE DEMONSTRATES TO A NICETY THAT PEOPLE BEREFT OF EYESIGHT CANNOT DETERMINE WHETHER ALL THAT GLITTERS IS OR IS NOT GOLD. Pine Grove, Nov. 2. Y eldest daughter had another serious at- ^ tack of iiisj)iration last night, with the following result : LIFE. Half of the moon shines down on me To-night, as idly on the gate, I, swinging to and fro, lament My useless life and cruel fate. Ah ! life is all one tedious round Of washing dishes, mopping floors, Of baking beans and frying pork. While such base things my heart deplores. 104: AN ATTACK OF INSPIEATION, I want to rise above all this, And dash to earth the grief it bringa ; Lighter than pie-crust let my soul Soar far above such grovelling things. Call you this living — this base kind Of mere existence — is there not Some happier clime where folks don't eat, Where cooking and baking are forgot ? Oh visions of what ought to be ! Oh fancy free, thy joys are dead — 'Tis useless all, alas ! I must Go in and knead the needed bread. Half of the moon shines down on me, And gently o'er me falls the dew ; I mustn't stay no longer for I'm taking cold, and so — atchieu ! That is what I call the essence of true poetry. I may not be a number one judge of the article, but it comes up to my standard of what heart- soothing, soul-subduing, rhythmical composition should be. The authoress (my daughter) intend- ed it for the Atlantic Monthly, where no doubt, it would have attracted considerable attention, but I prevailed upon her to give me a copy, after sending her to bed in tears, and afterwards find- AN ATTACK OF INSPIRATION. 105 ing it in an old wi-i ting-book. I want it published where true merit will be appreciated. Affairs about Town. On Monday an ancient chap in a rusty suit of black clothes and a tall hat a little old, but still the false tile came over to the grove on a benevo- lent expedition. He made a little address to the people in the church in the evening. He said he had heard of the generous spirit that pervaded the hearts and homes of the Pine Grovers, and he had now come to put it to the test. lie wanted money to buy Testaments for the poor Southern people, who were pretty well used uj) spiritually, and if he couldn't get money he would take pro- visions, furniture and clothing, as the aforesaid were pretty well used up bodily. He called upon the women to throw their jewels and fine raiment into the treasury. There wasn't any throwing done, as the women about here haven't very much capital invested in these articles. Then he called on the men to cast in their mites, and when they had done so he found it was a mighty little cast. He then sang a hymn, during which feat all the people who didn't go out when the contribu- tion-box was passed went out, so that the church "7 106 AN ATTACK OF INSriIiATION, was prett}^ effectually cleared by the time he had finished the first verse. After this the ancient mariner went to the tavern, where the boys made him buy something, and the contribution went the way of all flesh, and tliey had to put him to bed, not being in any condition to personally superin- tend that operation. It seems that this enthusias- tic man, this benevolent person, this ardent spirit, was no match for Tommy Jones's ardent spirits. Then the boys, being playful, burned holes in his hat with a red-hot poker, which gave it the appear- ance of a cullender in a bad state of repair. After this they broke open his satchel, in which they found a pack of cards, a bunch of skeleton kej's, an empty bottle, and a few letters of recommenda- tion, certifjaiig that the bearer was sober, honest, truthful, and the possessor of all the cardinal vir- tues, and calling upon the public to furnish such a worthy object all the aid and comfort it could spare to assist him in his benevolent scheme. The next morning he departed at early dawn, with a very unfavorable impression of the people here. — Our citizens have been unable to make up their minds which way to vote, and are ready to negotiate with any responsible party. We are all open to conviction, but it looks as if no one AN ATTACK OF INSPIEATION'. 107 wanted to convict us. So far, it lias been the driest campaign I ever saw. — Tlie damages done by the late earthquake have been neatly repaired, except poor Mr. Wren, who cannot rest easy on his mind or anything else. Klinker is getting up an instrument for foretelling any more quakes, BO that in future everybody will have an oj^por- tunity to flee to the mountains before the circus commences. His new stove works nicely, and he has cut his entire orchard to furnish wood to run it with. — It's a little dull here now, but next week we are going to have a temperance concert and lecture. Yours expectantly, R. S. Tkueman. 108 ANOTHEE BATCn OF LITEJSAEY CEUDITIES. LETTER XYIl. ANOTHEE BATCH OF LITEEAEY CEUDITIES. Pine Grote, Nov. 6. could not stand it any longer. Nothing ^^^ to do but what we must have another trial of speed on the essay question, so Jimmy Amory said if Pine Grove would become amen- able to the law of decency, and no party furnish but one essay, he would set the bawl in motion. (Jimmy tries to be funny sometimes in a poor way.) Accordingly he gave notice that the late perform- ance would be repeated with an entire change of programme, and that prizes would be given ac- cording to the law of public opinion, as made man- ifest by a majority of the audience. So last even- ing Tommy Jones's ball-room resounded with the hum of many voices, until Jimmy Amory said that the resounding must now cease. After the usual scuffing of feet, and clearing of throats, and Btraightening up on the benches, there came a dead silence, and in the luidst of it Jimmy lifted ANOTHER BATCH OF LITER AKY CRUDITIES. 109 up Ill's flute-like voice, and read the essays pro- miscuoiislj as follows : The Reign of the Artificers. Now that the winter of our discontent has been made glorious summer by the sun that shines for all, the footsteps of an advancing host can j)lainl3' be heard. This army of Egyptian spoilers, having hibernated successfully, now" begins its summer campaign. This retinue of masons, of carpenters, of painters, of laborers of all kinds and descriptions, refreshed by the new wine of temporary repose, sharpen their implements and prepare to charge. We are prepared to repulse them ? By no means. Far from such thoughts, vain world. We welcome thcMi with smiles and also with trembling. We are dependent upon them for good offices. We back our money (all we can raise) against their labor (as little as pos- sible). We will suppose that you are a person of industry and frugality, and that, after many ^'eai'S of toil and perseverance, you have succeeded in becoming sole owner of a sum of money — no mat- ter how much— and that in addition to this, 3'ou are possessed of a desire to improve the appear- ance of vour ancestral halls. Your plans are 110 ANOTHER BATCH OF LITERARY CRTJDITIES. somewhat vague, but you are supposed to know in general what you want. You take counsel at first with some one who has the reputation of be- ing posted— it doesn't take much capital to ac- quire such a repute — and you go over with him all the items of improvements jou. propose to make. Your ineffable g-enius and liij-htnina: cal- culator makes his figures and announces the re- sult, which will usually be about a third more than you anticipated. However, being a deter- mined character, you are only astonished, not appalled, and begin proceedings at once that the work may go bi-avely on. You are refei-red to a mason, who will come next week, or next month, or next any other time, and as he is the only one you can find who will promise to come at all, you close with him at once. You engage a carpenter on the same accommodating terms, and that there be no reason for delay (such vain delusion) order your materials and prepare for action. Everything is ready — all but. Your mason doesn't come to time ; neither does your car- penter; neither does anybody else; and you begin to experience what waiting against hope means. If your nature be gentle and confiding, you will graciously accept the situation, and abide AlfOTUER BATCH OF LITERARY CRUDITIES. Ill the coming of the rulers in patience, in meekness, and in hope. At last, when everybcjdy else has been thoroughly waited upon, and the last excuse exhausted, your hewei'S of wood and handlers of mortar put in an appearance. You are not long in discovei'ing that the material you so carefully and expeditiously ordered is not the thing at all ; that it will not do ; that you (jught to have known better ; and that Mr. A. B. C, and all the rest of the alphabet except Z, could have furnished you with what was wanted at much lower prices. Your pride being sufficiently humbled, your spirit broken, your suggestions sneered at, your ignor- ance scoffed at, and yourself put in as great torture as your gentle nature is capable of sustaining, you despairingly tell your jack of trades to go on and push the thing through at your expense and at any cost, in the way that seemeth best to him, and if you have any doubt as to the result, especially as to the cost part, examine the bill that' will roll in upon you, and be forever undeceived. Pernicious Efects of Early Kislng. " Early to bed, Early to rise Makes one " — [Superannuated minstrel. 112 ANOTHER BATCH OF LITERARY CRUDITIES. The lark is up to meet the sun, The bee is on the wing, I hear a knock — 'tis eight o'clock, But to my bed I cling. [Modern lay. Whether the authors of the above classical poems speak from experience or draw their conclusions from the observations of other enthusiastic ad- mirers of nature, is a matter of supreme indiffer- ence ; the probabilities being that the composer was only a night editor whose opinion on such matters ousht to be thrown out under the rule. One has only to observe the passengers on a night train when daylight doth appear to form an opin- ion on this subject. Cross, crabbed, ugly, cap- ricious, fault-finding, snappish, terribly boorish and unwarrantably impolite, what conclusion can the observer otherwise draw than that an early hour is not propitious to the development of the milk of human kindness ? Here is another little ditty, with modern improvements taken from the land knows where, and written by the land knows who: He who would thrive Must rise at five. ANOTHER BATCH OF LITERARY CRUDITIES. 113 If this be true, then Who would thrive more Must rise at four. Hence He who would more thriving be Must rouse himself at the hour of three ; And he who would still better do Must leave his bed at the stroke of two. Therefore He who would not be outdone Must rouse himself at hour of one. Grand sunmiimg up : Who would do better than tliem all Must never go to bed at aU — which neither holds to rhyme nor reason. Now, the last conclusion being fallacious, and the chain of reasoning having been logically followed, the first premise must be wrong, ergo: He who would not thrive must rise at five. As for late rising being a waste of time, it is untrue, for those who rise early, retire early, while those who be- gin the day late take time on the other end of it, and so nothing is lost. And so with Sancho Panza's blessings on the man who invented sleep, and a trivial tribute to Lamb, who once remarked, concerning early rising, that he could make up his mind, but he could not make up his body, the 114 ANOTHEE BATCH OF LITERAKT CRUDITIES. fruitful therao is left to the ponderings of tlie wise, the meditations of the wiser, and the calm considerations of the wisest. Terrors of the Unfortunate. The number of people who take delight in let- ter-writing, after a close and unsuccessful count, is estimated at 500,000. The remainder of the inhabitants — somewhere among the 40,000,000 — belong to the class whose emotions on this subject are of an entirely different nature. Among the former portion, the writing mania sets in strongly at sixteen, progresses beyond all calculation for five years, and then suddenly collapses. Occa- sionally the fever runs from three to ten years, with irregular recurrences after that period. Of course there are Micawberian exceptions with whom the habit becomes inveterate, and who lin- ger out an epistolary existence to torture their acquaintances, confound their enemies, and keep their friends in a state of continued suspense and increasing irritability. Viewed abstractly, there are few who do not delight in receiving letters. It is a cheap sort of joy, and therefore the greater enhanced. But the receiving of these self -same AKOTHEE BATCH OF LITERARY CRTTDITIES. 115 letters carries with it a moral obligation to answer them at once. Xow trouble begins. The lady or gentleman not given to undue correspondence will find that the preconceived ideas (if such they have) of the simplicity of the task are greatly overdrawn when the time arrives for action. The answer will usually begin with a statement of the mani- fest fact that the writer now sits down and takes ]iis pen in hand to write a few lines. This is fol- lowed up by a hygienic allusion combined with hope, a reference to the state of the weather past and present, and here the writer comes to a gap in the hedge of his ideas impossible to bridge over. Therefore there is a dead pause. If more can be written by the bewildered brain, why, so much the more to be thankful for ; if not, the writer closes jn great haste for the ostensible purpose of catch- ing the mail, which if not caught at once cannot be caught at all. Ah ! men and brethren, have we not reason to cry out against the advancing strides of education ? The more learning the more letters, and with increased letters, increased mis- ery. Can we consent to such a sacrifice ? Hardy perpetrators of epistolary compositions at last will rule the day, and we, who are sufferers, must re- ceive their literary blows in silence, unable to re- 116 ANOTHER BATCH OF LITERARY CRUDITIES. spond. The pen is mitey-er than the sword in size, but in effects — ah me ! SuiviMER Work. " Up in the morning." Earl Y. Rizer, The day of seed-time has arrived. We who love the bounteous gifts that nature's hand will shower upon us must prepare to shake that hand to secure that shower. Tlierefore, at early dawn, when the cool breeze of morning is lightly stir- ring the tree-tops, and the birds, having piped their matins, are making preparations for an early break- fast, we will shoulder our horticultural implements and hie us forth to our gardens. We will upturn the prolific soil with ready spade, arrange the beds with a housekeeper's art, and, the primary operations concluded, carefully line the ground and sow the seeds. We will have lettuce, spinach, peas, beans, parsnips, onions, potatoes, corn, cab- bage, and all the other little et ceteras that a fer- tile mind can imagine, or a fertile soil produce. It is finished. The garden is complete and wo will wait in patience the anticipated result. We will fold our hands in happy consciousness that our labor for the season is over and naught remains ANOTHEK BATCH OF LITEKAKT CRUDITIES. 117 but the coming of tlie harvest. That is — if we only could. But ah ! in place of the tender plant- tops, noxious weeds will creep forth — weeds that in a few weeks, if unmolested, will rival Jack's bean-pole ; knotty grasses will start up unbidden, sunflowers and holy hocks will usurp the place of vines, the bugs will tamper with your squashes, the parasites with your cabbages, the hens with your corn, and whatever else may be overlooked by these indefatigable workers the worms will kindly care for. So the man who goeth forth at early summer-tide with joy in his heart, will find, ere that summer is over, if he would enjoy the results of anticipation, that he must wage contin- ual warfare with vegetable and animal enemies, and must expect a di'outh where he would have rain ; a wet season where a dry one would be pre- ferred, and must submit with the meekest of re- signation to all that can sorely try one's spirit, and if successful throuiirh all these adversities in conquering his temper, may set himself down as one highly favored, and as the possessor of a dis- position not many degrees removed from angelic sweetness. 118 another batch of literary crudities. Summer Sport. Next to passive enjoyment of beautiful days and the quiet pleasure of the sweet twilight, when the larapwick of day is slowly turned down to the complete extinguishment of light, and the brooding darkness coming on becomes more and more visible, are the more active out-of-door amusements. Foremost in rank stands our great national "Juggernaut," base-ball, whose ponder- ous wheels have mutilated so many tender fingers, injured so many susceptible noses, and caused BO many unfortunate eyes to be filled with tears of anguish. Here is devotion unalloyed. Through scenes of terrible excitement and unabated en- thusiasm, of glorious victory and crushing defeat, through storm and sunshine the devotee follows the mazy changes of the spherical dance day after day, until the chilly blasts of winter put an end to the high-pressure state of existence, and he settles down to the calm realities of winter life, or fights again with ready tongue the battles that the summer lost and won. Not content with all this, he must have his state assemblings and his national conventions, until the institution has AITOTHEE BATCH OF LITEEAKY CRUDITIES. 119 been raised to might and glorj, and wields a sceptre whose power is felt from freestone walls to cabin homes. But still more qniet and dearer yet to the feminine heart stands the no less na- tional game of croqnet. Ilei'e do the maidens all forlawn seek for that refreshing of intellect and soothing of spirit that the inside world can never give. From early morn to close of day the con- tinuous clicking may be heard, accompanied with peals of laughter as of victory, and murmurings of disappointment as of defeat ; showing how the mimic warfare, like the great battle of life, rages and progresses. And for those who, dis- daining these popular pastimes, seek for other enjoyments wherewith to recruit their weary bodies, there yet remaineth the soothing labor of angling in grassy pools where most the fish do congregate, and where, under the shade of over- hanging trees, whose leafy branches kiss the waters, we will drink in the calm serenity to the fill in o; of our souls and the satisfaction of our in- most natures. Of course we will. Still further, we will go forth at early dawn with numerous M^arlike trappings and accoutrements, with the edict of death against all kind of feathered fowl flashing from our glittering eyes. Through the 120 AITOTIIER BATCH OF LITERARY CRUDITIES. hot siinsliine we will di'ag our way over hill and plain, through wood and morass, and at night- fall homeward plod our weary way with praises or maledictions on our lips, as our success may warrant, or the condition of our game-bags make apparent. AVhen he had concluded, and the people were fairly awake, he announced that he would first exhibit the prizes, and would then proceed to take the sense of the meeting. The first prize was a metal casket, for the en- tombing of the material which cheers but inebri- ates not, known as a tea canister. The second prize consisted of a metallic trumpet, commonly called a dinner horn. The third prize was an elegant circular pin-cushion. Well, they voted and voted, but no essay had a majority, and the meeting finally became so much demoralized, that Tommy Jones put out the lights, which put out the people so much that they simultaneously adjourned, but not before some- body succeeded in becoming the unlawful pos- sessors of the prizes. Honestly yours, E. S. Trueman. POETICAL, BUT PKACTICAL. 121 LETTER XYIII. INCLESTES TO THE POETICAL, BUT GRIMLY SUBSIDES rSTO THE PRACTICAL. Pine Grove, Ifov. 9, fcA,. %SS^ Literary. i5»' ^l!*!! Y daughter having had such good luck ^^r^ in writing poetry, the idea struck me that her talents in this line must be inherited > and I concluded to try my hand at it. I didn't find it so easy as I had supposed, but I worked it out, and here is the result of my week's labor : ON early rising. " The early worm gets caught." — Birds and Worms. Let those delight to get up At early dawn of day ; Before the east is lit up And darkness fades away — but I don't delight in any such performances. You might as well sit down to Your dinner before it's done, As to think of going to working Before the rising sun — beffin-t? his work, just exactly. 6 122 POETICAL, BUT PRACTICAL. It's well enough for roosters, And other birds of prey, To get all through their crowing WhUe honest people lay — in bed asleep, hap- pily unconscious of the rumpus. It's better to be sleeping, Forgetting toil and care, Till breakfast is all ready, Than to get up and swear — at the wet kin- dlings and no water in the tea-kettle. There's one thing you can bet on, I've always found it so ; Your own experience '11 back me In what I say, I know — and that is this You can't be half so wicked Where you don't get up till 11, As you can when you quit snoozing About the hour of 7 — for don't you see, you haven't as much time to be wicked in, into four hours or so. Oh yes, I'll take my chances. And lay abed tiU noon. For it's better to get up late Than a couple of hours too soon — and I ought to know, for I've tried it these forty years. I guess I do uot care about writing any more poetry. It's a little out of my line, and, although I am convinced that I am the happy possessor of POETICAL, BUT PKACTICAL. 123 no small amount of poetical talent, yet I appear to fail in the faculty of putting it in the right shape. THE ELECTION. The Democrats in the State seem to have put their thumb into the political pie and pulled out the plum of success, like the Johnny Horner we used to hear about in nursery days. But they failed to carry our town, although desperate measures were resorted to. Pine Grove is true to her flag, and that standard sheet will forever float where falls the foe but breathes before us. Our greatest fight was on justice of sessions We had learned some days previous to the elec- tion that determined efforts would be made to defeat our candidate for that ofiice, and we were prepared to meet with strenuous opposition. Being forewarned we were forearmed. We went quietly to work and made a bargain with T. Jones, our leading Democrat, to get us votes for justice, and we would reciprocate on Assembly. Jones bit, and we worked in that way all day long. At night we found that our num was ahead of his ticket. Thus did we demolish the 124 POETICALj BUT PKACTICAL. infamous attempt of the Democrats to defeat our candidate for les^al honors. I fear that our As- semblyman is beaten, but we have no news from other parts of the district. Believe me, Er. S. Trueman. A DAY OF FEASTING. 125 LETTER XIX. A DAY OF FEASTING APPROPRIATE CEREMONIES. Pine Grote, Na., JSfov. 29. Apologetical. lYES there a man with sonl so dead, who ever t® himself has said, it's nicer far to write a letter in place of doing something better than to enjoy these pleasant days, and amuse yourself in other ways. I am no such a man, and hence I have written no communications for a long time, but devoted myself solely and exclu- sively to the zealous observance of sunny weatlier and weak indigo-colored shies, and could not af- ford to make literary hay while the sun shone. But now as revengeful winter is about to clasp its fingers around the throat of dying summer, I de- scend once more into the sphere of literature and proceed to business. 126 A DAY OF FEASTING. Thanksgiving. You onglit to have been here last Thursday. Pine Grove is famous for high old times among the boys, but she outdid herself on this occasion. We had church in the morning, and Parson Wilks preached a beautiful sermon, drawing water from the well of every sympathetic heart. It was no- ticed, however, that the crying ceased before the contribution box was passed ; and the sensitive hearts were steejjed in figurative vinegar, which communicated its acidity to the countenances of all who had been so deej^ly affected by the touch- ing words of their pastor. The singing was toler- ably good, so to speak. It was a piece by one of the old schoolmasters in mnsic — no one with whom I am acquainted. There were fourteen solos, and more than a million duets and trios, by actual count, and it wound up with a great gush of wholesale melody, that set all our teeth chattering. It must have been delightful to any one who could a2:)preciate that kind of thing ; but for my own part, I like such liynnis as " Old Hundred," and " Coronation," and " Dundee," where the people take a hand in, and where the vox jpopuli can be A D4.Y OF FEASTING. 127 heard in glorious strains, and pretty hard strain- ino it takes, too, to sins; them risrht. Church beins; over, the people returned to their homes. I could not fail to notice that everybody who attended church had been invited out to dinner, and were able to go to meeting in consequence, while all those people who gave dinner parties had to stay home and make ready for the feast. In the even- ing, the Society for the Amelioration of Human Vanities held their annual meeting at the tavern of Tommy Jones. At some future time I may write you more fully concerning the aims and ob- jects of this beneficent association, but present time and space forbid. The society is composed of twelve of our leading citizens, and on every Thanksgiving night they have a supper. So they duly assembled, and the provisions disappeared in a masterly style. Then Pai-son Wilks voted him- self unanimously into the chair, and Tommy Jones Bet up the cider. The parson briefly reviewed the transactions of the society for the past year, and complained bitterly of the want of funds to prose- cute the «:ood work. The amount received for the last six months would hardly pay for the evening's entertainment. lie said that this day of Thanhs- giving was a glorious, an immortal day. It was 128 A DAY OF FEASTING. a day that affected the interests of all the world, for were not Turkey, Greece, and China involved in its celebration ? He said that grass was green and that skies were blue ; that flowers bloomed in the spring and died in the fall ; that rapid rivers ran swiftly, and tlie Erie canal scarcely moved ; and when he had said these things he thouo-lit he had said enough (as indeed he had), and sat down. After this the regular toasts were propounded. 1. By George Low : " The age we most love — saus- age." Received with applause, it being pertinent to the occasion, the staple referred to having formed a portion of the feast. II. By Deacon Amory : '' Persons of tender feelings — pickpockets." — Re- sponded to by Parson Wilks, who said he had been trying to pick the financial wool from liis flock for benevolent purposes with limited success, and his feelings were sore upon this point. He thank- ed the honorable gentleman for thus alluding to him. III. By Jimmy Amory : " Why is the sigh I breathe for thee like a certain kind of dramatic representation ? Because it's a pant-o'-raine." The propounder was hustled out of the room, and served him right. IV, By Captain Long: "Weather profits — trading your old umbrella for a new one." Responded to by Tommy Jones with his fist. A DAY OF FEASTING. 129 Tommy thought it was personal, on account of Parson Wilks's umbrella, which had been missing for some time, having been found concealed in Tommy's bar-room, a full and reliable account of which will be found in my letter about the eartli- qualvc. V. By R. L. Dany : " The dark ages — colored centenarians." Parson AVilks, mellowed with cider, arose for an explanation. lie desired to ask the forgiveness of the friend of his bosom, Thomas Jones, in ever having considered him as having stolen his umbrella ; and here, being en- tirely overcome, he fell upon Tommy's neck and boo-hooed like a great calf. YI. By Tommy Jones : " Parson Wilks — the noblest ' Kum'un ' of them all." Responded to by the Parson, in tears. VII. By Mrs. Jones' servant gal. This toast was brought in, well buttered, in covered dishes, and the society, moistening it in its tea, enjoyed it bet- ter than any of the other toasts yet offered. YIII. By Mrs. Jones herself : " Come, now, git right out of this. It's 12 o'clock, and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves — guzzling and stuffing yourselves like boy constructors." Tiie meeting adjourned. R. S. TliUEMAN. 6* 130 THE PEESENT DAY. LETTER XX. THE PRESENT DAY — UPRISING OF THE PEOPLE. Pine Grove, Bee. 26. All ABOUT a Big Christmas Tree. % E had a little Christmas of oiir own over liere yesterday, and the celebration passed off in great style. There was service at 5 A.M., and I am instructed to state that the attend- ance was limited and the exercises chilly. The prin- ci]3al reason for holding it at such an early hour was to ascertain how many were true to their religious professions and duties. Besides, the church was to have a Christmas tree in the afternoon, and all the time that could be found was wanted to get things in readiness. Our congregation is scattered, many of them living five miles away, and it was thought best to have the tree on Sunday afternoon, that all might be present. As this was the first Christmas tree the Pine Groverse\'er had, the ex- THE PRESENT DAY. 131 citement about it was intense. General instruc- tions had been issued the previous M-eek as to its object and uses, several committees appointed, and the matter was pretty well understood. Par- son Wilks, in making the announcement the Sun- day previous, begged the people not to forget their faithful pastor. The Sunday-school scholars were privately informed by their several teachers that each was expected to make a present to his teacher under pain of expulsion. It looked a little arbitrary, but business is business. In expecta- tion of a laro-e attendance all the chairs tliat could be borrowed in the neiii:hborhood were ranc-ed in the aisles and galleries, and a limited number of tickets issued. I i-egret to say that more per- jury and chicanery, and all manner of tongue wickedness, were committed by this people last week for the purj^ose of procuring the said tickets than was ever indulged in by any Christian com- munity of equal size and intelligence, at any time or for any reason, in the United States. And what I say I mean. It was a noble field for col- porteurs. The church was trimmed voi-y hand- somely. There were strings stretched across it w'ithflagsof different nations — but chiefly United States — suspended therefrom, and a unique col- 132 THE TKESENT DAY. lection of looking-glasses and pictures hung around the sides. Perhaps there were almost too many insurance advertisements, but they helped to fill up. Several mottoes in shaky evergreen letters were plastered upon the walls. The tree was a fine one, and it was only by supei-human exertions that it was ever got into the church. The parties to whom was committed the taslv of procuring it literally fulfilled the instructions to procure an immense one, and about twenty feet of it had to be sawed off and then it reached to the roof and filled up a cpiarter of the church. By noon every- thing was in readiness, and the tree was quite pre- sentable in consequence of the ingenuity display- ed by hanging everything on the front side of it. The collection of presents was very good, and al- though thei'e were perhaps too many apples in baskets and bags, and too much sweet cider in bottles and jugs, and a too numerous collection of vegetables and bed-quilts, and too few knick- knacks, still the display was creditable, and was regarded as a great success for a first attempt. At 1 o'clock the doors were opened, and the people, many of whom had been waiting outside since sun- rise, were admitted. There was a grand rush for the seats, and the door-keepers had all they could THE PRESENT DAY. 133 do to take the tickets and prevent the entrance of persons not having proper credentials. In fact, one of them, in the excitement of the moment no doubt, is reported as having gone around the corner of the church and sworn vehemently for five minutes, after which he returned in a cheer- ful state of mind, and resumed his ]30sitIou as ticket-taker. Now it did so happen that at least three persons desired admission to every one who had tickets, and at last, when the pent-up feelings of the multitude, excited to the highest pitch of indignation, could no longer be restrained, the crowd gave an immense surge, and away went the door-keepers and the ticket boxes, and the church was instantaneously filled. The balance of the outsiders were ranged about the door, and stood half a dozen deep at evei-y window. The exercises began with a horridly excited song from the clu^ir, and a prayer which was pertinent to the occasion. Then beo-an the distribution of presents, which were taken from the tree by Par- son Wilks, and handed to Jimmy Amory and Cap- tain Long, who called oif the names and delivered the property. It was reckoned that $600 worth of apparatus changed hands. Parson "Wilks re- ceived fourteen Bibles from dilTerent admirers, 1,34 THE TEESENT DAT. raiigli)^ from iiumense quartos to the finest clia- iiioiid })ri]it. I saw him around town this morn- ing, trying to barter off a portion of them for some- thing usefuL Quite a painful accident occurred to the parson during the ceremonies. AVhile en- gaged in handing down the presents from the up- per part of the tree, the ladder slipped from under him and he fell among the branches, one of which cauffht him bv his coat tails, and there he swung lip and down like a boy on a teeter board. lie cried for helj), but owing to the agitated feelings of the people it was some time before he could be extricated from his embarrassing position. I received a handsome box, well secured with string, which attracted much attention from the persons near me, who insisted upon my opening it. As I had given no presents to any one, I did not ex- pect to receive any, and the box came to me like a surprise party. On the outside was written my name and tliese words : " From your literary friends. Accept the enclosed ' Essay on Greece,' ' Blackstone,' and ' Works of Burns,' as a memen- to of the affection that lies within the bosoms of the givers." Ah, thought I, at last my genius has secured recognition. Knowing ray taste for literature, some friendly hand has bestowed upon THE PRESENT DAY, 135 me these beautiful books. I cut the strino; and opened the box, and — oh, ye heavens ! Gra- cious Peter ! Whew ! I found a cake of tallow, with the letters S. A. written on it, and a note pin- ned to it which read: '' 'Tis grease, but living grease no more." This was an essay on Greece with a vengeance. I found also a chunk of coal, and this my intuitive perception led me to believe was black-stone. Beneath it were two half-con- sumed almanacs which typified the works of burns. I have formed myself into a detective police asso- ciation, and like Jo. Gar<>:erv's wife, am on the rampage after the perpetrator of tliis hoi-rible joke. I think I discover in it the handiw(;rk of one Fritz, of Batavia, who challenged my daughter to write poetry, and because she refuses to pick up the literary gauntlet, he takes this inhuman me- thod of executino; io-noble revenp-e. Of course there was a great laugh at my expense, and al- though I can take a joke, I don't know what to do with one after I have got it, so I thought it best to git, and got accordingly. In rushing through the crowd I accidentally trod upon Mrs. Stringer's foot. She uttered a howl of anguish, belabor- ed me with her parasol and abused mo with her tongue, and made me pass as uncomfortable a two 136 TEE PRESENT DAY. minutes as I ever did before in my life. For tlie first time I realized the truth of the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn," I learn that it was found impossible to take the tree out of the church, and it had to be cut into quarters to remove it. If Christmas trees are indeed j ubilant this must have been a four-part song. Sorrowfully yours, II. S. Tbueman. GKAND OPENING FOK MOKAL FASHIONS. 137 LETTER XXI. GRAND OPENING FOR MORAL, FASHIONS OF A NEW LIFE, LNCIDENTALLY SHOWING THAT SOMETLMES THERE IS NO SLIP WHATEVER 'tWIXT THE CUP AND THE LIP. Pine Grove, Jan. 3, 1871. was very quiet here on Sunday. Ap- propriate reference to tlie day was made at the church by Parson Wilks in his sermon, and he embraced the occasion to get off a little joke, by saying that he felt like a stranger among the people, for he hadn't seen them before smce last year. lie also remarked that the day was the most pleasant one we had had this year. lie suggested that the time was an a})propriate one for making new resolutions if they were good ones, and for breaking old resolutions if they were bad ones. He suggested the propriety, on the part of the ladies of his congregati«.)n, of set- 138 GRAND OPENING FOR MORAL FASHIONS. ting forth no spirituous liquors for the entertain- ment of guests on the morrow. (Point not well taken. No one in Fine Grove makes New Year's calls, and not one in tlie place could offer anything but cider an j way. He probably had seen the conflagration that has been raging on this point of late in the newspapers, and didn't want to ap- pear behind the times.) The regular official cel- ebration of the day occurred on Monday, and con- sisted of a free lunch at Tomni}^ Jones's, which it has been his cnstom to set forth for many years. As I am a firm believer in free lunches, and al- ways make it a point to be present when anything of this kind is going on, I went over to Tommy's in the morning on a tour of inspection. True to his life-long cnstom, and with a due regard for his reputation. Tommy had set forth a master triumph of the gastronomic art. There was codfish picked up raw, little chips of dried beef, gome oyster crackers, a bit of cheese, a few her- rings and a pitcher of cider. It was understood tliat other beverages of a less temperate tendency were to be had for the asking. Altogether the preparations were of a festive nature, and I con- cluded to pass the morning amidst the good cheer. Tommy was glad to see me, knowing me to be GEAND OPENING FOR MOKAL FASHIONS. 139 a light feeder, and asked me if I would take a bite. I bit. Presently in came Parson "VVilks and Deacon Amoiy to warm themselves by the fire, for they were wet, and to drink a glass of cider, for they were dry. Parson Wilks picked np a piece of codfish, and the rear portion of a herring, when Tommy snatched them from his hand, saying, " Xo, no. It's too thin. You must eat your fish after you've drank, not before. I was drank out of house and home last New Year's day, in consequence of allowing my friends to get up an artificial thirst before they imbibed. The warning has not been lost. Drink first, and af- terwards salt yourselves at discretion." Tommy was right. I know of two fellows who live here who always eat salt pork and raw codfish for a week before going to Pochester, and their reasons for so doing must be obvious. The parson and Deacon Amory tried a little cider to see if it was good, and finding it was, they took a little more to express their approval. Then they took a cracker, more cider, some cheese and beef, more cider, a herring and a little more cider, and hav- ing by this time become mellowed and friendly, they went to work in a genial way, sampling all the different kinds of liquors in the bar. The 140 GRAND OPENING FOR MORAL FASHIONS. usual result of mixed drinks followed. Parson "Wilks found the bar-room in a state of consider- able af^itation, and making a track for the door he brought up in the fireplace. We hauled him out and set liim upright. He presented a very discreditable appearance with his hat mashed down over his eyes, and his face blackened with the andirons like a piece of toast. Deacon Amorj, holding fast to the counter, gazed upon tlie scene with an apathetic cast of countenance wonderful to behold. He was teetering gently to and fro, and nothing could induce him to sit down. He blandly intimated that if he once sat down it was all up with him, and said that if any o]ie 'tempted t' haul down 'is flag, he would shoot him on 'er spot. As numerous people began to gather in the bar-room, we got the parson and deacon into the dining-room, where they fell to abusing one another i-oundly. I wonder now, and I wondered then, where such men, occupying such honorable positions in life, so worthy and so respected, could have learned those horrible words and terrible epithets they so freely uttered. As a fight be- tween them seemed imminent, we had to tie them in their chairs. I agreed to watch them, and prevent their quarrelling, if I could, and I GEAND OPENING FOR MORAL FASHIONS. 141 thought what a blessing it would have been had they been tongue-tied as well as hand and foot tied. At last they fell sweetly asleep, and so remained until late in the afternoon. On awak- ening, they seemed to be all right again ; but in a short time Parson Wilks had a relapse. Deacon Amory could walk very comfortably, and started for home, after extorting from Tommy Jones and myself a promise never to reveal wliat had hap- 23ened. After dark we loaded the parson into a wheelbarrow and left him in front of his house, where he could readily be found by his family. Here endeth the lesson. I have been asked to keep this affair a secret, but my duty as a faith- ful Democrat and Chronicler of events must not be interfered with by promises made out of pity in the excitement of the moment. It is certainly to be regretted that men like Parson Wilks and Deacon Amory will permit themselves to become intoxicated, and it is hoj^ed that the. fearful lesson will not be lost upon the rising generation of Pine Grove. If the above narration can be of any utility to the accomplished writers, who, tlirough the medium of the press, have endea- vored to prevent the use of wine and liquors as refreshments on New Year's day, this letter 142 GKAND OPENING FOK MORAL FASHIONS. will not have been written in vain, and I will re- main content to receive the abuse and obloquy that I am certain will be heaped upon me in consequence of this exposure. Expectantly yours E.. S. Tkueiian. AS AWFUL STATE OF AFFAIES. l-iS LETTER XXII. AN AWFUL STATE OF AFFAEKS. '.' UR Pine Grove correspondent at last has got liimself into trouble. It will be seen by the following letters that the good people of that village take exceptions to his com- munications, and express a wish that they be dis- continued, and, that in consequence of the publi- cation of his correspondence, we are threatened with legal proceedings. If Mr. Trueman can make any explanation or offer any apology that will be accepted by his fellow-citizens, we shall be glad to have him do so and at once. His letters to this journal have been published by us in good faith, and, up to this time, we had no reason for doubting his integrity. We demand therefore, not only in justice to our many sub- scribers in that part of the county, but also as a duty he owes to ourselves, that he make a public retraction, or satisfy all concerned that he has not been guilty of falsehood. 144 AN AWFUL STATE OF AFFAIRS. Pine Grove, Jan. 5, 1871. Ed. D. & C. : — Believing you to be possessed of that spirit wliicli is called chanty, and that you would not knowingly publish anything derogatory to a person's character, or, having done so, would gladly correct the error, I write these few lines to let a little light shine in upon you. You have a correspondent, one Trueman, who pretends to keep you posted about affairs here. I fear you do not know him, I know him to be a person in wliom there is no truth. He is as full of lie as potash is ; a base fabricator ; a treacherous calumniator. He has used the press as a medium for circuhiting his prevarications, and has present- ed me before the public in ignoble positions, the very ridiculousness of which ought to stamp them as untruths. If you have any regard for the feel- ings of this community you will henceforth cease to credit his falsehoods, and charge him with his duplicity. Rev. L. WiLKs, D.D,, and Pastor of P. G. Church. Pine grove, genuary 5. deer sir : The suscriber whose name is sined AN AWFUL STATE OF AFFAIKS. 145 to this letter at the rekwest of parson wilks pas- ture of our church and of dekin Amory and his sun and also gorge low the lawyer desires me to say that I also have been lide about by trewraau and if my name is on your books to have it krost out as i don't propose to help eny nuzepaper wot lise and nose it he has slandered me sevral times in print but i didn't no how bad i felt untill the above named persons told me how oi-f ul it was i think this trewman has d — aged my bisnes and that you have acted as accomplis in accomplishin it by printing his letters i will except anything your cents of write may lede you to send me this will be the most ceutsible way of setlin in a money pint of view. John Klinkek. Pine Grove, Jan. 5, 1871. Tour petitioners would respectfully ask you to discontinue the })ublication of the letters from Pine Grove as furnished by R. S. Trueman. They are a vile slander upon this community. As wliat has already been done cannot now be un- 146 AN AWFUL STATK OF AFFAIRS. done, please give us no further cause for com- plaint. T. A. Dany, wife and daughter, Betsy McCracken, Capt Long and two J cousins, William Wren, Matilda Hooker, and mimerous others who cannot write their name except with an X, which spoils" the effect of a petition. Pine Grove, Jan. 5, 1871. Democrat and Chronicle Company : I am instructed by my client, Deacon llobert Amory, to give you notice that he contemplates bringing an action against you for libel, in w^hich he places the damages at an amount which, if lie secures it, will render him comfortable for the re- mainder of his days. You have permitted the publication of letters from R. S. Trueman of this place, in which the chai-acter of my client has been unjustly assailed, and in which he has been held up to the scorn and derision of the world. To prevent this action you will publish a full and complete retraction of all that has been printed concerning Mr. Amory, and cease to publish all AN A>VFUL STATE OF AFFAIRS. 147 letters emanating from the aforesaid Trueman. Mj client does not insist upon this coiii'se, but, on the contrary, prefers a libel suit, in which view, as a matter of professional duty, I think proper to encourage him. George Low, Attorney and Counsellor at Law. 148 THE AUTHOK PUTS IN A DEFENCE. LETTER XXIII. IN WHICri THE AUTHOR PUTS IN A DEFENCE, AND UTTERLY DEMOLISHES THE BAD CHARACTER WHICH HAD BEEN GIVEN HIM. Pine Grove, Jan. 9, 1871. " The boy stood on the burning euchre deck, And took the tricks when all but him had fled." WAS pained to see in the Democrat and Chronicle of the 6th inst, several letters and a petition from various persons in this place, with comments thereon by you. Now I have been to New York twice by the Erie road. On one occasion I ascended the stairs to the court house cupola in your city. I have walked the streets of Rochester at nio;ht when the almanac of the gas company proclaimed moonlight, but when the moon was only a faint and fleeting show for man's delusion given. 1 have read — with THE AUTHOR PUTS IN A DEFENCE. 149 what tribulation few can tell — " "Wliat I know about farming," by Horace Greeley. A -person with such an experience as this generally ceases to be surprised at, or shocked by, anything that can possibly ha])pen ; but I must say that my feelings were visibly shattered by these letters from my old friends and neighbors. You were kind enough to say that up to this time you had every confidence in my veracity. It would have been more kind to have added that your confi- dence still remained unchanged. But, since I have been pitched into in this way, it seems a matter of necessity for me to re-establish myself in your good opinion, and show to the world that I am a truthful man, and have never, as yet, made light of dark subjects. I propose to walk into the affections of my traducers extensively. I may be obliged to use many long words, and many hard ones; for an innocent man, goaded by unjust re- proaches and stung to the quick by infamous false- hoods, must use every weapon he can seize upon for his own defence. The hardest word I know of is iron-y, and I shall use it freely. I do not wonder that the people here petition you to dis- continue my letters. I have yet to learn that any criminal, if he has a spark of manhood left, loves 150 THE ArxnoR puts in a defence. to see his misdoings in j)rint. Often have I seen tlie reporters of the papers in your city besieged by persons endeavoring to induce the ready wri- ters to make no mention of some unfortunate affair in which the said persons were concerned. I can appreciate the feelings of my neighbors ou this point. But truth is mighty and must prevail like summer flies. If Parson Wilks and Deacon Amory desire, or think that I will lie about them and say they did not get drunk on New Year's Day, they will find that anticipation is greater than realization. If John Klinker has such a hor- ror of deception, will he kindly explain wdiy he had a new set of buttons and a cotton velvet col- lar put on to his old overcoat this winter, and pre- tend it was a new coat ? If G eorge Low is so anxious for a suit for lie-bel he had better com- mence an action against himself. lie would wear such a suit with ease and grace. Will Captain Long inform tlie community what he did with the two teaspoons he was seen to pocket at Parson Wilks's donation last summer? As for Dany and liis wife and daughter, I will say that they are persons whom you can trust. Yes, you can trust them forever, but they never pay. Who is it that always comes with a quart jug to Tommy Jones's Vj/ix^fi/i tiK£ zn£JAsr2 ao£'\JPas:e ySi^ THE AUTHOR TUTS IN A DEFEXCE. 151 every evening and calls for " vinegar like the last I got " ? Ah, my old friend Hooker, a quart of ^■in- egar a day is a great deal of sharpness for a small famih^, and a tavern is a queer })lace to get it at. If Betsy McCracken will explain why shejDocket- ed the subscription money she received for a chari- table purpose, instead of devoting it to the object for which it was raised, she will unveil a mysteiy that has long been hidden. But why charge home upon these peoj)le their faults and their weaknesses ? My object in writing all these letters has been a noble one. My greatest desire has been to improve the moral tone of society at Pine Grove. By exposing the guilt of the wicked they will take care how they conduct themselves in future. People here are already better in con- sequence of the disclosures I have made. I can- not say that I am any more beloved in consequence of the part I have taken, but a free moral agent (myself), working out a grand aim in antici])a- tion of grander results, nmst expect to meet with rc'1 tuffs, and I calculate I have got them. AVliat- cver my faults and en-ors mav hu\e Itccn, mv motives ai-e pure. I offer here a certiiicate of character fiDui my linn friend and staunch sup- porter, Thomas Jones, Esq. : 152 THE ArTITOR PUTS IN A DEFENCE. To whom it may concern, or otherwise : This is to cei'tify, that I have been acquainted witli the deponent, R. S. Trueman, going on twenty years. I hope and believe him to be honest most always, and truthful generally. I can truly say that he has always paid his little bills with me promptly, which is more than can be said of others in this place. If he has lied about certain persons here, they ought to be lied about, but I do not think he honestly has — I mean I do not honestly think he has. I know he has spread it on a little thick sometimes, but not anv too much. lie has always spoken the truth through thick, and, it may be, thin. 1 heartily endorse every- thing about him, except his promissory notes. If he wants any more character, he can have it, or anything else he wants, by aj^plying at the old place, where entertainment is provided for man and beast by Tours truly, Thomas Jones. I think this will do the business. "With my character thus re-established I breathe easier, THE AUTHOR PUTS IN A DEFENCE. 153 and sliall continue my literary career as formerly, unaffected by the venomous darts of envy and falsehood that the enemy may hurl against me. Heroically yours, R. S. Teueman. 154 THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION. LETTER XXIY. THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION. Pine Gkove, Jan 12, 1871. } ARSON" WILKS has been up and at 'em %^ again. Not content with teaching the re- ligions idea how to shoot in a profitable manner, he imagines that he is a writer, and is act- nallv enojaged most of the time in writing:: stories, and essays, and other trash. lie has not become conceited enough yet to try his hand at writing letters for the newsj^apers, but there is no telling to M^hat length his vanity may lead him. He has made me a sort of mutual friend, and when- ever he is struck with an idea he commits it to paper, and then rushes over to my house, and commits it to me. He came in yesterday with a new essay about house cleaning, which I confess has something of originality in it, although I think too highly of myself to tell him so. Here it is: THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION. 155 TliG Feast of Household Pui-ification is at hand. The ancient rites so dear to the heart of each and every tidy housekeeper arc about to be cele- brated. On every hand the preparations are going forward for a suitable observance of this annual pandcniouium, and for the reception of the pestilence that stalkcth abroad in the Spi-ing. Whether the custom arose with our ancestors and came l)Owlinfii: alone; down the ball allev of time along with a thousand other productions of uselessness, cropped from the beery brains of the senile fogyism of the medio3val ages, or whether it didn't, is a matter for the investigation and speculation of those who may have the time and patience to devote to the solving of this myste- rious problem. It is sufficient to know that the evil has an unquestioned existence ; that it is in the habit of blooming annually, but sometimes (snch is human depravity) more frequently, and that it cannot even be classed under the head of that species of wrongs that may be committed in order that good may result. It has been argued with that tenacity for which advocates of soap and water are famous, that it is a matter of necessity that a house should thoroughly be cleansed at least once a year (im]dying there- 156 THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION. by that the oftener it is done the better) ; that the attrition of the dust, and the presence of moths in the carpets, if allowed to remain and mnltiplj, would soon blot out the beautiful figures and colors forever ; that the walls would become so blackened as to offend the eye of even the most careless observer; that the enamel upon the fur- niture would disappear; that the stoves would present a piebald appearance disagreeable to be- hold ; that fever would lurk in every crevice and corner. The same arguments are also urged on the score of economy. ISTow, is this so? Is it cheaper to attack a carpet with dismantled broomsticks, breaking the meshes of the worsted, tearing the fingers with hidden tacks that cling to the edges with pertinacious energy, and so give your heart's best blood in defence of a principle, than to allow the carpet to remain quietly upon the floor and grad- ually pass down into a cherished and fading old age, and, l>y careful sweeping, exemplify the ver- dict of truthful household jurors that there is no cause for action ? Is it a matter of necessity that the air should be filled with soapy odors and un- definable smells ; that the household should be tliruwn into a state of siege fur weeks at a time ? THE BANE OF CIVILTZATIOK. 157 And would it not be cheaper, ?s re£]^ards the labor thrown away and the money expended in repair- ing, to allow things to remain undiLetter, that the walls be coated with grease, the moths hold high carnival in the carpets, the ceiling be black with the smoke of aijes, the furniture be- 160 THE BANE OF CIVILIZATION. come begrimed with dirt and stoves rust out through sheer neglect, than that Man, created in the image of his Maker, be forced to commit un- willing; sin. When will women learn wisdom ? I asked him if he wasn't tired writing so much and then reading it, and he said he wasn't. But I know better. I know myself how it is. Tours in love, R. S. Trueman. SEAECH AFTEK THE UNFATHOMABLE. 161 LETTER XXT. A VERACIOUS HISTORY OF A SEAECH AFTEE THE UNFATH OaiABLE. Pine Grove, Jan. 13, 1871. ' T is not often that our people have an oppor- wj^ tunity to see the great artists of the country, and we are obliged to content ourselves with such accounts of lecturers, singers, minstrels and such like, as the Democrat and Chronicle sees fit to give us. It is some distance to Rochester, and the road none of the best ; and besides, it costs a pile of money for horse-keeping, supper and tickets. Sometimes, however, we make up our minds to go when something unusual is to take place, but our visits of pleasure are few and far between. For a long time we had been talking about <2:oin:er to listen to her melodeon voice. So on Monday afternoon Mr. Dana, Mrs. Stringer, Parson Wilks, Matilda Hooker, my daughter and myself might have been seen — and indeed, were seen — by all the people of Pine Grove, climbing into a lumber wagon en route for Rochester. Our preparations for this august (January) occasion were simple and few. "We took up a collection among our friends. Tommy Jones giving $1 to help the cause along, and others contributing small amounts until the finance committee, myself, declared the sum to be sufhcient. As Mrs. Dana was unable to attend, on account of boils (it being washing day), Mrs. Stringer borrowed her false teeth, which were gold plate, not hav- ing any of own, false or otherwise. Parson Wilks secured Deacon Amory's tall hat, Matilda Hooker borrowed Mrs. Wren's gold spectacles, so as to look literary like, and, it being chilly, I l)»)rro\ved Klinkers overcoat. I wonder whether lie would lend it to me now, since my last letter was printed. We got into Rochester at live o'clock, left our equipage at the stable, and feel- ing peckish started out for something to eat. We SEARCH AFTER THE UXEATHOMABLE. 1G3 went over to IMr, Kremlin's saloon, near where they swing on a bridge in warm wcatiicr. A gen- tleman with a white apron shut us up in a little room where there was a table and chairs and not much else, and no room for it if there had been. As we had made up our mi)ids to have a good time, regardless of expense, we had 03'sters all around. The waiter brouo;ht us a ticket with $2.10 printed on it, which created a little con- sternation amona; us, it beins; more than we had anticij)ated. However, as there seemed to be no way to avoid it, I paid the bill. Then we all went over to Mr. Powers' block, and passed away half an hour very comfortably riding up and down in the elevator, until Mrs. Strino;er commenced to get sea-sick. Afterwards we looked about the streets until the rest of us became see-sick, and then went over to the hall, where we had to sit on the steps nearly an hour waiting for the ticket, office to open. AV^hen the time came I purchased tickets for the party, and tried to get a discount off for so large a number, but the ticket-seller said his bank wasn't discounting then, so 1 ]i:uil the $6, and it took nearly all the money I had. The seller objected to taking so much postal cur- rency and four rolls of pennies, but finally did so, 1C4 SEAECH AFTER THE UNFAT:iOMABI.E. mntterinoj sometliinar which I am o-lad I didn't hear, as I expect it wasn't perfectly proper. We found a nice seat on the side of the hall, where we could overlook all the people. My daughter wanted to know what all the labels meant on the seat, and I explained that they were put there for the benefit of the people who lived out of town. I shuddered when I said it, but the seat was a good one, and I determined to trust to luck to keep it. Presently in came a lady and gentleman, looking very smiling, and approached our seat. The gen- tleman examined some little cards in his hands, and asked Parson Wilks, who sat nearest, if he had taken that seat. The parson, looking as in- nocent as Mary's little lamb with fleece as white as snow, said we took them when we came in. The gentleman said tliere must be some mistake about it, and I began to think so too when all of my party turned toward me with beseeching eyes, and when I beheld the eyes of two hundred other people gazing at us. While I hesitated, the per- son who told people where to sit that held tickets in the seat lottery, came up and explained the situation, and we had to give up our places. I appealed to him for assistance, for the hall by this time was well filled, but all he could do was to SEAKCn AFTER THE UNFATHOMABLE. 1G5 find US some stools, so we occupied tliem, and there we sat in a row like so many stool pigeous. The rest of the party didn't seem to like it a bit, and they talked hard at me. Parson Wilks said my couduct was unchristian like ; Mr, Dana said I was a swindler ; Mrs. Stringer said she could broomstick me with great satisfaction ; Matilda Hooker offered to tear my eyes out : my daughter said she'd fix me for coming that game on them. I felt a little sore about it, and only consoled my- self with the thought that great men receive abuse as well as honors. At last we got quieted down, except Parson Wilks, who had a squeaky stool, and who made it go whenever I tried to say any- thing funny, so the rest couldn't hear, which was a little discouragino-. There was a three-leijo'cd piano on the stage with "Weber" on it, which I suppose to be the name of the owner of it, so in case it should get lost the i:)arty finding it could tell where it belonged. It was pitiful to observe that in such a fine-looking audience so many were near-sighted and were oblio-ed to use double-barrelled eye-glasses to see with. Then there were such nice people in good clothes, with flashing jewels, and eyes that flashed quite as brilliant. It was a little difficult for me to 166 SEAECII AFTER THE UNFATHOMABLE. understand the words of the first piece, being but little acquainted with foreign languages and not any too much with my own. But the melody, having no language, I could appreciate. But it wasn't Eandolfi, nor Macdonald, nor Wehli, we come to hear ; Kellogg was the man for our money, and at last she appeared. "Wasn't she nice, though ? And she sm^g so beautifully and so easily. No wonder all the people clapped their hands until they ached, and luirst their leather gloves, and said it was bully. And it was. I can't describe it, we were all so carried away. Then in the second part, where she sat down to the piano and played and sung that little song, " Look out or you'll get April Fooled," or some such name, how sweet she smiled, especially when they slung those bunches of posies on the stage ! I do not wonder (if the story be true) that, when Nilsson heard Kellogg sing this little song, that she got up and hit her umbi-ella on the seat so hard that she broke it. I would, too, if I had one, but through delight, not anger. Then when Wehli put one hand in his pocket, and played " Home, ISweet Home," twisted up with the other, that was wonderful. I don't think I could have done it better with both hands. On the whole, the con- SEAKCIJ AFTKK Til]': UNFATIIOlVtABLE. 1G7 cert received the hearty approval of the Pine Grove delectation. There was one thino: I did not like, and that was so many people going (nit dur- ing the show. If they didn't like it, they should have remained out of I'egard for the performers' feelings. I also learned that the most of the par- ties who disturbed the meeting were going off on a regular train. More likely they had come to town on one, and it would be better, if they must train, to stay home and do it. At last the concert was over, and the people made a rush for the door. During the pressure some one stepped on to Par- son AVilks's hat, which he had borrowed from Deacon Amoi-y, and wlien the parson picked it up it looked like an accordeon. The smasher said, " I beg your pardon," and passed on, uiunind- ful of the ruin he had wrought. We fixed it as well as we were able and passed out into the pas- sage, where Parson Wilks had an interview with a policeman, to see if he could engage Miss Kel- \o(j:s: to ii:\ye a concert at Pine Grove. I didn't hear exactly what was said, but I believe the C(»n- cert isn't coming off at present. What the police- man did, was to huigh the parson in his fafo, and afterward behind his back, and subscfpicnlly all around him, which was impolite to say the least. 1G8 SEAECH AFTKE TIIK UNFATHOMABLE, Our calculation had been to have a little supper before starting for home, but the treasurer report- ing that he had been compelled to suspend pay- ment, we went up to the stable, where I had to become personally responsible for the keeping of the horses. It wasn't quite as pleasant going home as it had been coming, inasmuch as the rest of them took the opportunity to heap coals of fire on my head, and hot ones too. You see none of them would have gone with me, on account of our little newspaper quarrel, but tliey couldn't get along without me. Besides this, I gave them to understand that I knew the ropes, which I fear I didn't prove to their entire satisfaction. However, they M^ere all glad they went, for it was pleasant, and not expensive to us, as the whole business was done on borrowed capital. We arrived home safely with only two mishaps : Matilda Hooker lost both glasses o.ut of the spectacles she had bor- rowed, and Mrs. Stringer, in consequence of the wagon jolting, lost the false teeth that Mrs. Dana had let her take, they being ejected from licr mouth with much violence, and we were unable to find them in the dark. I append herewith a multiplication table, which illustrates how I fooled myself. I calculated to make a remunerative SEARCH AFTEK THE UNFATIIOMxlBLE. 169 commission out of the expedition, but as figures will not tell a lie, it will be seen wherein I failed : Received from contributions $8 23 "What I expected it would cost : Six suppers $1 50 Six tickets 1 50 Six lunches 60 Horsekeeping 50 4 10 Leaving my commission $4 13 How it came out : Six suppers $3 10 Six tickets G 00 Gum drops 06 Horsekeeping 50 8 66 Leaving me out of pocket 44 The next time some one else can go on the Finance Committee. Sadly yours, R. S. Tkueman. 170 SOMEWHAT GASTKONOMICAL. LETTER XXYI. SOMEWHAT GASTRONOMICAL RELATES HOW DEACON AMORY LOST ALL TASTE FOR THE FINE ARTS AND EVERYTHING ELSE. Pine Gkoye, Jan. 19, 1871. foil probably know John "Wiley, who keeps the grocery store on the corner, here in the village. Almost everybody does, and if any one does not, I want them to understand that be is one of the meekest men extant. Many a time have I seen him shed copious tears of grief because some one spoke unkindly to him, and I don't believe he ever said " No " in his life. Fre- quently have I observed that gentle man actually get off from the sidewalk, and go around, when a cow happened to be in the way, rather than injure the feelings of the animal by driving her off. I have known him to get up at two o'clock on a winter morning and go down to his store to see SOMEWUAT GASTKONOMICAL. 171 if his cat was warm and comfortable. I state these characteristics of the man, because I desire to show how that when a man of this kind lets his augrj passions rise, he makes terrible work of it. Now, Wiley has suffered extensively from the raids of small j^ilferers, who enter his place of business during the day time and help themselves to an apple, or a few crackers, or a handful of raisins, or something of that sort. He has inform- ed me that enough has been stolen from him every year in that way to pay the wages of a small-sized clerk. He thinks it extremely hard to Iuiac his property carried off bodily in this manner, and yet be unable to remonstrate for fear of oftendino- some one. I have talked the matter over with him frequently, and urged him to make an exam- ple of somebody, and at last he agreed to do so. 'Now it so happened that Deacon Amory was one of his best gratuitous customers. He never came into the store without carrying away from three to ten cents' worth of portable property within his person. If he wanted a pound of sugar he always managed to eat a double handful besides out of the barrel, and never was there a chest of tea opened but what he took home a good-sized draw- ing of it to see whether his folks liked it, which 172 SOMEWHAT GASTEONOIUCAL. they never did. As for apples, raisins, figs, nuts, and candies, he always managed to eat considera- ble, and always got value received without giv- ing value paid. Deacon Amory, then, was the man selected for the experiment. Upon his de- voted head was to fall the wrath of the long suffer- ing AYiley. For the accumulated sins of all the pickers and nibblers in the neighborhood he was to answer. It was my suggestion that brought it about, and I rather think he will let me alone after this, both in and out of the newspapers. The Deacon always came into Wiley's store every Monday morning after soap, for domestic pur- poses, and we agreed to seize the first opportun- ity to carry out our plan. As Wiley had sufficient strength of character, as well as muscle, to accom- plish the task unaided, I concluded to act merely as a spectator. On Monday morning then, about nine o'clock, the deacon came into the store. There were quite a number of people sitting around the store, quite innocent like, who dropped in to see the fun. " Nice morning," said the deacon, going behind the counter and helping himself to a chew of tobacco, and afterwards rolling up a good-sized wad of it, which he transferred to his pocket. Mr. Wiley said it was indeed a nice morning SOMEWHAT GASTRONOinCAL. 173 " I gness the rain is about over," continued the deacon, helping himself to a quarter of a pound of cheese, a dozen crackers, and as much butter as he could crowd upon the largest blade of his jack- knife. After drawing a glass of cider he deliber- ately peeled the largest herring in the box, and commenced the assault on the provisions. Wiley said nothing, but his muscular arms heaved visi- bly. The deacon kept on eating and talking as natural as life, and finally wiped his mouth in a self-satisfied way, that would have wrung a smile from a marble statue. Mr, Wiley had kept still so long that I began to think his spirit had failed him, and that he was going to let the oppor- tunity pass. But the hour was not yet. It was only the calm preceding the storm. The deacon walked along inside the counter, tasting one thing and another in a desultory way, until he stood opposite where Wiley was standing. Watching his opportunity, the aroused Wiley seized the un- suspecting deacon by the coat collar and the loos- est portion of his pants, and dragging him violently over the counter, sat him down with empliasis in an arm-chair directly before the fire, and before the deacon could say a word he had him tied hand and foot. "What does this mean?" gasped the 174 SOMEWHAT GASTEONOMICAL. astonished man. "Wliy, nothing," said Wiley, "I'm only exercising. I have got a little bill here against you I would like to have paid." " I don't owe you nothing," said the purple-hued victim. " I always pay cash." " No, you don't. Yon pay part cash and take the rest in trade, only I have to furnish the trade. But here is the bill : I'll hold it up so you can read it." The rain- bow-tinted countenance of the deacon resolved itself into a perplexed stare as he read : " Deacon Amory to John Wiley, Dr., — To eating up little things in my store that cost me money, for a period of fifteen years, at fifty cents a week, $390." "Now," said the indignant Wiley, "I'll just trouble you to settle it. There hasn't been a day but what you have robbed me in this way, and I had just as soon you had gone to my money drawer and helped yourself, as to my groceries. I had rather pay you $25 a year to keep away from here, and I would make money by it." By this, time nearly all the surplus population of the place had arrived upon the scene, headed by Tommy Jones, who encouraged Wiley to continue, by throwing in an occasional, "Go in, Johnny!" " Give it to him ! " and other appropriate remarks SOilEWHAT GASTE0:70MICAL. 175 adapted to the occasion. " It's a contempti- ble swindle ! " roared the deacon, " and I'll never pay it." " Throw off ten per cent, for cash," said Wiley. " I'll never pay it. Isn't there any one here to help me ? " There wasn't anybody. " Well," said Wiley, grow- ing more indignant, " if you will not pay it, I may as well make the bill $400 ; it oidy lacks $10 of it. Some one hold his head for me." Twenty persons started to assist, and got into a quarrrel as to who should have the honor ; but Tommy Jones, ever valiant, ever ready, took charge of the man's head, by reason of being the head man in the place. The iras- cible Wiley proceeded to insert a two-inch ring into the deacon's mouth, so that he was unable to close it. And now began the most wonderful per- formance I ever witnessed. When I think of it now, I can scarcely realize that it ever happened. The performance began by Mr. Wiley pouring a small bottle of castor-oil down the victim's throat. Next he put in a handful of raisins, then half a pound of soda, and afterwards a hunk of alnni. He then gave him a scoopful of shot to make him heavy, and followed it up with a paper of baking powder to make him light. He gave him 176 SOMEWHAT G ASTRONOMICAL. a mixed assortment of tea, ground coffee, saleratus, and a roll of comiterfeit sbinplasters. He dosed liim with sulphur, cream tartar and red pepper. He fed him copperas, saltpetre and allspice, and whenever the deacon refused to swallow he assist- ed him with a gentle choke, so that he was content to obey orders without further resistance. When Wiley had gone through with samples of the solid material in the grocery, he put a large funnel into the deacon's mouth, and wedged it in with spring clothes-pins. Into that funnel he poured a quart of cider, some molasses, some kerosene oil, a little tar, a pint of vinegar, some melted butter, and the land knows what all, until the deacon, swelling up like a balloon in process of inflation, appeared to be on the point of bursting and mak- ing a muss on the floor. At last the wrath of the maniacal Wiley was aj^peased. He made an additional entry of ten dollars on the bill for provisions consumed, receipted it in full, tucked it into the deacon's vest pocket, removed the iron ring, untied his haTids and feet, and let him go. The deacon did not stand upon the ceremony of going, but went at once, and with a countenance like a full-blown peony, and looking for all the world like a hogshead gifted with pedestrianism, ±£^L SOMEWHAT G ASTRONOMICAL. 177 he rolled out of the store. It was rather harsh treatment, but the effect iiiteuded has been produced. I will guarantee that the nibbling mania in John Wiley's store has been effectually stopped, and his next income return will show it. I need not point out the moral of this rustic tale. It is obvious. The plan of stopping such thieving outrages has not been patented, but is open for trial by all dealers in groceries, provisions and salt mackerel. No one need doubt its efficiency. Triumphantly yours, R. S. Tkceman. 178 4IT INTELLECTUAL SKELETON. LETTER XXVII. WHEREIN IS REVEALED AN INTELLECTUAL SKELETON IN THE HOUSE OCCUPIED BY THE WORTHY AUTHOR. Pine Gkove, Jan. 23, 1871. f^^ T is hard to place before the eye of a scan- g^ dal-loving public a picture of rural distress. It is painful to open the door of domestic unhappiness and invite the great world to look in ; but a strict regard for justice, and a desire to ascertain the whereabouts of a certain individ- ual (name and residence at present unknown) prompts me to smother reticence, and unfold a poem which shall point a moral and adorn a tale — sad as it may be. The circumstances attend- ing the publication of this poetry are few and brief. For some time my daughter has been ex- tremely melancholy. She has moped about the house in a heart-broken sort of way extremely AN INTELLECTUAI. SKELETON. 179 touching to a fond parent. She has taken no in- terest in domestic affairs, and has even neglected the reading of the Nev) York Ledger and the 'Waverley Magazine^ of which she is as fond as George Washington was of his hatchet. Slie has refused her fried pork and potatoes, and has not taken kindly to gruel or hash. I watched her closely in all these things, and at last I made up my mind that she had Lcn-n at it again and commited herself to poetry. Accordingly, to find the evidences of her guilt, I began a search through the premises yesterda}', a'. liile the family were at church, and in her portfolio I found the following lines. Imagine my terrified feelings ! Of course, as a believer in true genius and in the poetical works of art, I am proud of such a daughter, but I should greatly prefer that she let her fancy fly off at some other tangent, than to devote her abilities and stationery to a subject like this. I cannot find out who she was writing to. She declines to tell, although I pounded her until she was black and blue and I was red. I will give my entire perquisites as justice of the peace, for three months, to find out who she means in this poem. 180 AN INTELLECTUAL SKELETON. A SWEET SONG OF LOVE. The rose is red, The violet blue, Sugar is sweet And so be you. [Slate Pencil Sketches. I am going to tell you something That I reckon '11 make you jump, And I hope and pray it will cause your Dear heart like my own to thump. I feel kind o' skittish about telling, For I don't know what you may do ; But I'll break the ice at a venture And take the chances on you, I love you, and that's what the matter, The words to my lips wiU come ; You' re sweeter than candy or syrup, And I love you better than gum. My pine-apple blossom, my essence, My balm of a thousand flowers, My extract of lemon — I love thee. Thou sweetest of sweet-scented bowers. Were I only a big lump of sugar. And thou a cup of green tea, How gladly I'd give my frail life up To melt and dissolve for thee. AN IKTELLECTUAL SKELETON. 181 If all the great -world was mine, dear, And the planets, and stars that shoot, I'd trade them all off for thy love, dear, And wouldn't ask nothing to boot. For my love it is stronger than onions, And my heart, like a railroad train, Goes faster and faster — I think, love, That it never will stop again, Unless, indeed, you will kindly Hang out a red flag, through fear Of accidents happening — why then, I Will stop at your station, my dear. I cannot help loving you, sweetest. And I wouldn't, my pet, if I could ; For I've tried to quit it, my deary, But I couldn't, my own, if I would. So here you have the whole story, And I guess it's plain to be seen That I certainly mean what I say, dear, As I certainly say what I mean. If the person for whom these lines ai-e intended will call at my residence in Pine Grove, three doors from Parson Wilks's meetiiig-honse, he will receive a broken head gratuitously, and no ques- 1S2 AN INTELLECTUAL SKELETON. tions asked or answered. A word to the unwise it is believed, will be sufficient. Wrathily yours, E. S. Tjkueman. THE CULTIVATION OF AESTHETICS. 183 LETTER XXVIII. MEETING OF THE ASSOCIATION FOK THE CULTIVA- TION OF JiSTHETICS. Pine Grove, Feh. 9, 1871. EFORE I <2:et head and heels over into this '^ letter I desire to state that what follows can be relied upon to the fullest extent. It is unnecessary to mention this to any one who knows me, and I only refer to it from the fact that I am credibly informed that an impression prevails among sundry persons that my letters are all gammon, and I wish to do away with any such impression. If any one desires to investigate the subject let him come over to Pine Grove, any sun- shiny day, and 1 will engage to prove to the entire satisfaction of the searcher after truth that these letters are a reality. Enough is sufficient. You know, of course, what a bright, active and intelligent community this is. A\^e arc few iu numbers, to be sure, 200 being the extreme limit 184 THE CULTIVATION OF ^STHETICg. of population in the place ; but there is enough gumption and go aheadativeness here to supply half a dozen villages of the same size. It would surprise you to hear how many different societies and organizations we have. I wrote you some time ao^o an account of the annual meetino- of " The Society for the Amelioration of Human Vanities," and promised to give you a full and complete explanation of its workings, which prom- ise is as good now as it was then, and will be kept when the time comes — if it ever does. To begin with, we have a Sewing Society, where they not only sew tears, but also sow tares, and, in due course of time, reap a large crop of scandgil. There is a Missionary Society for the distribution of bogus pennies and counterfeit ahinplasters amonsc the benighted heathen abroad, and not one cent for tribute among the barbarous ones at home. There is a Dispensary Society for furnish- ing medicine (chiefly boneset and sage tea) to the sick, and provender (mostly odd crusts of bread, doubtful pieces of salt pork, and the triangular upper end of hams) to the starving. I may here remark that the demands for assistance from such unfortunates are very light, knowing the diet that awaits them. There is also an " Oro-anization THE CrXLTIVATION OF ^STHE'nCS. 1S5 for the suppression of the sale and use of intoxi- cating drinks," whether as beverages or medi- cinally. There are at least half a dozen other societies, and all in working order, with officers and committees, pass-words, grips, and regular times and places of meeting, with all the necessary paraphernalia. This winter we organized a new one, which is called " An Association for the Cultivation of Esthetics." Its membership ex- ceeds that of all the others, and we have sessions fortnightly, generally meeting in the church. Nearly everybody belongs to it, in consequence, I am led to believe, of there being no initiation fee, nor any expense attending it, which is always an element of popularity in everything. Even Tom- my Jones is a member, although he is not as heavy on literature as he is a tobacco-chewer. We held a re-union on Wednesday night, and I thought that maybe you would like a brief account of the proceedings. The jueeting was called to as much ' order as the crowded state of the church would permit, by Parson Wilks, who pounded on the pulpit, and gesticulated wnth much vehemence, as though he was preaching a doctrinal sermon. — The first thing read was an essay on the " Rise and Decline of Summer Squashes," which was 186 THE CULTIVATION OF ESTHETICS. twice repeated, to accommodate a number who came in late. Then there was a dialogue between Priscilla Locker and Matilda Hooker, the school- ma'am. It was something about the transmigra- tion of souls, and it didn't take well at all with the audience. Jimmy Amory then delivered an ora- tion, beginning " There was a man, a Roman sol- dier." He spoke it pretty well, though he catches his breath audibly, and rolls his " R's " like a lum- ber wagon. E valine Dore read an essay entitled " The Utility of Corsets in filling up the Waist Places of Womanity." This production drew tears from the softer sex, both male and female. The next thing was a reprimand from Parson Wilks, accompanied by a practical illustration of the saying, " He who hath ears to be pulled, let them be pulled." He took put three boys in this way, who were inclined to be mussy. Mrs. Dany then read a humorous essay called " Melancholy. " The audience could scarcely re- tain its sides from bursting with laughter. After- wards, my daughter recited an original poem entitled " The Heart longings and Soul-yearnings of the Desirous." (Maybe you would like to see it in print, but you never will.) She was called out twice — once by the audience, and once by a THE CTLTIVATION OF AESTHETICS. 187 'young fellow who wanted to see her in the porch on particular business. She responded to both calls. George Low then read a dissertation on " The Flea, and the best Methods of Extermina- tion," The people manifested great interest during the reading of this production. The next thing was a portion of history selected and read by Jane Dany, entitled " The Emancipation Proclamation ; or, the attempt to make black, white." Parson Wilks then arose and delivered a short discourse as follows: "If John Smithers and Parmina Scroon do not cpiit whispering, and holding hands on the back seat, I shall be com- pelled to mention names and tell what they are doing." There was a great uproar among the audience at this sallv, and Smitliers arose at the call of the house for explanation. I respect- fully decline to mention what he said, but he went on fearfully, called our beloved minister anything but pet names, and went so far as to in- timate that the parson hadn't strength enough to lick even a postage-stamp. Parson Wilks jawed back, and the meeting worked itself up into such a fermentation of rage, that it looked for a mo- ment as though it was all going to pieces. But some one stuffed Smithers's comforter (his woollen 188 THE CULTIVATION OF .ESTHETICS. one, not Parmina) into his mouth, and somebody else threw an overcoat over Parson Wilks's head and extinguished his fire of words in a twinkling. Tommy Jones made herculanenm attempts to restore order, in which he succeeded, after knock- ing down a dozen or so of the most refractory ones, and dragging them out by their boots. Quiet at last prevailed, and the performance went on. "William Long read a well- written essay on " The Use and Abuse of Firecrackers, and their Pela- tion to the Human Family." It was greatly ad- mired, and replete with deep reflection, search- ing investigation, and solid information. Pat Sweeney then recited a sweet little poem, begin- ning, " The lark is up to meet the sun. The son is out upon a lark." Here one of the seats broke down, and the fall in dry-goods and broadcloth was tremendous. This occasioned considerable excitement and merriment, and it took at least ten minutes to get things around into shape. Joshua Wilkins read a short essav, entitled " Metaphysics and other Physics— which do you like best ? " Afterwards AVilliam Jones delivered an oration. His subject was " Egotism and Yougotism." The exercises closed with a feel- ing address from Parson Wilks, who thanked the THE CULTIVATION OF ESTHETICS. 189 audience for their kind attention and remarkable quietude, and hoped to meet them all again on a similar occasion at some future time. The com- mittee, whose duty it was to see who goes home with who, then abruptly retired to the front steps to take observations, and the remaining few slowly followed. The fire was then put out together with a drunken man, who wanted to fight ; the lamjps were extinguished, and the church door securely locked. The entire perform- ance may be regarded as a success. Yours elatedly, R. S. Tkueman. 190 AN UNEXPECTED DEPARTUKE. LETTER XXIX. AN UNEXPECTED DEPARTURE WITAT MAY BE EX- PECTED OF PEOPLE WHO MISBEHAVE. Pine Grove, Feb. 12, 1871. ^,^^ _ becomes ray painful duty, as your active, ^X^ energetic and trntlifnl corresj^ondent, to transmit to you an account of a fearful catastrophe that occurred here on Saturday night. The circumstances attending it are so very pecu- liar, and the tragedy so extremely singular, that I fear I sliall be unable to do that justice to the subject vrhich its importance demands. How- ever, I will endeavor to narrate the facts as briefly and simply as I can, and leave you to make sight drafts on your imagination for the balance of the account. About ten o'clock on tlie evening of Saturday last, after nearly all the people had retired for the night, a terrific explo- sion occurred in the west part of the village, which startled the inhabitants from their peaceful AN UNEXPECTED DEPARTURE. 191 slumbers, and shook the ground and the houses perceptibly. Fearing that another earthcpiake had taken place, the people rushed from their dwellings, clad in the snowy and otlierwise robes of nio-lit, and a o-reat connnotion and locomotion ensued. Women fainted, children screamed ; and men ran hither and thither in a state of extreme bewilderment and intense excitement. ISTo furtlier explosion taking place, a numl)er of us quieted the fears of tlie people and induced them to return to their houses. This accomplished. Parson Wilks, Deacon Amory, Tommy Jones and myself procured lanterns, and went up the road from whence the noise had proceeded. We found the place just at the outskirts of the village. The explosion had haj^peued at Mrs. Stringer's. Tlie front fence had been thrown down and was badly broken, the gate was lying on the other side of the road, and the front of the house was neai-ly demolished. Windows were broken, the chimney overthrown, doors thrown from their hinges, and the clapboards wrenclied off. The ground in tlio vicinity M^as blackened, as though a great gun- powder explosion had taken place. For some distance up and down the road, branches of trees, fence pickets, rails, shingles, and broken bricks 192 AN UNEXPECTED DErARTL^EE. were scattered about, presenting a frightful and gliastlj appearance. On entering the house we found Mrs. Stringer weeping and wringing her hands in violent grief, and it was some time be- fore she became calm enough to give any sort of explanation. She said that her daughter, and a young man named James Lariper, who worked in a blacksmith shop, went out together about seven o'clock to spend the evening at the house of a friend, and she sat up to await their return. Shortly before ten slie heard thein coming up the road, and presently the front gate was opened and shut. About a minute thereafter the explo- sion occurred, which stretched her senseless upon her own hearthstone. As soon as she recovered, she rushed out, but was unable to find the slightest traces of either her daughter or lier young man. She thought the whole thing was a conspiracy on the part of another young man in the village, who had heretofore been keeping company with her daughter, but whom the latter had jilted and taken ap with Lariper. She believed that the jilted young man (whose name I prefer not to mention), fired with devilish jealousy and ungovernable rage, had undermined the front gate with powder, and, watching his opportunity, had set a slow match AN UNEXPECTED DEPAKTUi:E. 193 to it ; and the explosion had been so well tinicd that the fearful result had followed just as it had been planned. The explanation was regarded l)y ns as somewhat unreasonable, knowing the young man to be an inoffensive sort of fellow, and incap- able of conceiving and carrying out such a mur- derous plot, and we determined to give the mat- ter a fuller examination. Pat Sweeney here came in and said that he was passing by the house just before the explosion occurred. lie noticed Lariper and Jane Stringer standin'g by the gate, and being curiously disposed, he watched theui. lie saw Lariper put his arm around Jane and kiss licr, and at that instant he saw a flash close by them, and heard a report like thunder. lie was knock- ed down by the explosion, and, as soon as he could get up, ran for home with all speed. We then went over to Mr. Wilkins's house, where Lari- per boarded, and rousing up the folks we went up- stairs to his room. His clothes were strewn about the place in confusion, just as natural as any one's is who dresses in a hurry to go out and see his girl. — On the table we found a bottle, or case, labelled nitro-glycerine. Mrs. Wilkins told us that Lari- per had been troubled with sore lips, and some one had told him that glycerine was good for iO-i AN UNEXPECTED DEPAKTDKL:. what ailed him. That on the previous day he went to Rochester and procured some, as he sup- posed, and had just jjut some on liis lips that evening for the first time. The mystery was solved. Lariper had bought the wrong compound, and with his lips saturated with the explosive material, had kissed Miss Stringer, and the con- cussion had produced the catastrophe. There never was a rose without a thorn, a joy without a sorrow. There never, no, never was a — but it's too late to begin a sermon now, and I un- willingly refrain. Nothing has been found of the two unfortunates except a part of the shawl Miss Stringer had on, and which was discovered in the top of a tree, and the front piece of Lariper's cap and one of his boot heels, which were picked up in an adjoining lot. Thus perished two noble human beings. A deep gloom has been shed over the community, from which it will not soon recover, and the girls of the village have been taught a lesson which they will not readily forget. Mournfully yours, R. S. Teueivian. THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEORGE. 195 LETTEE XXX. IN HONOK OF THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEOEGE. Pine Grove, Feb. 23, j^^ T seems like a liollow mockei^ that ho at- ^£^ tentioH was paid to Washington's legal holiday in Rochester, except by the edi- tors of newspapers, who are noted for paying at- tention to anything whereby they can shirk a day's work, and get ont of issuing a paper at a time when everybody wants to see one the most. But, thank fortnne ! the fires of patriotism are not dead in this locality, neither do they smoulder, but flash in brilliant coruscations from our giant in- tellects, etc. "VVe think too much of our uncles and aiintcestors for that. The day was appropriately observed in the evening by a ball, given l)y Tom- my Jones, in honor of Washington, who was a per- fect gentleman, as near as I can find out by his bi- ographers, who may be prejudiced, but I trust not. 196 the nativity of one geokge. The Pbepakations. The ball-room of the tavern was transformed into a model of neatness. Tommy had it all swept out, even under the seats ; and had the windows washed, except such as were covered up with flags, which would have been unnecessary work. The kerosene lamps were decorated with tissue-paper embroidery, left over from fly time last summer ; two pictures of the great forefather were hitclied up with strings on to the wall ; the flag of our country was festooned in graceful folds over the front window, and the floor was bees- waxed until it was a matter of life and death to maintain one's standing and dignity in crossing it. Two bird-cao;es with live bii'ds in them rested gracefully upon pedestals, and a rat trap, with a tame rat in it, called blind Tom, on account of his eyesight, lent its beauty to the scene. The entire arrangements were elegant, grand, and unique, and reflect great credit upon the designer and executer. Tickets were placed at the popular price of $1. Supper extra, I mean the price for supper was extra, not the supper. Tommy had a skirmish with the cook the day before, and she THE NATIVITY OF OJTE GEORGE. 197 quit, SO Mrs. Jones had to get up the provender alone, and it wasn't very good. The Guests. Everybody of consequence — myself among the number — was present. On general principles it is wrong to go to balls, but what can one do on a holiday, when there is no other way to celebrate except to dance? Mrs, Dany had on an alpaca dress, with two furbelows and three thingamajigs on it. I don't know the right names, and I can't get satisfactory answers when I ask. You know what I mean. She took Martha Washington's character. Mr. Dana had on his Sunday clothes and a pair of gloves, which, being a late addition to his wardrobe, he was observed to eye with won- dering curiosity and evident satisfaction, when he thought no one was looking. He took, but did not sustain, the character of a gentleman, Mrs. J. Klinker was arrayed in a dress, which, I am confidentially informed, she has worn three winters at least. She appeared as Martha Wash- ington, and was surprised to find six others who took the same part, Klinker couldn't come, being busily engaged in experimenting on per- 198 THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEOEGE. petiial motion hj observing the tail of his dog, which is in a state of continual wiggle. Matilda Hooker had on a white muslin robe de party, with low sleeves and short neck, both of which became her greatly. She wore an artificial rose- bud in her raven locks, and danced like an ano-el every chance she could get. The Amory family came in their own lumber wagon, which was put- ting on considerable style, as they only lived three doors away. They were all dressed to kill, par- ticularly Jimmy Amory, who had on a pair of fine boots. Mr. Amory appeared as Washington, and looked about as much like our departed fore- father as a pumpkin would sculptured into a jack- o'-lantern. Mrs. J. Amory came as an Indian Princess, with a hatchet in her hand ; Parson Wilks took the part of Demosthenes, but his wife had no character at all. Mrs. Scroon appeared as a fairy queen, and wore a linen-colored parasol, lined with red silk, which was quite becoming to her complexion. Altogether about forty were pres- ent, and the hall was brilliant with beauty— such as it was — and elegance — what there was of it. The Dance. The Terpsichorean performance commenced at THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEORGE. 199 eight o'clock. Out this way everybody dances, and the fellows and girls don't stand around against the wall, pretending they can dance, but don't care to. When we dance, too, we dance. We do not sidle around in a careless, slipshod way, and walk about in a listless manner as if it was a bore. We go in — that expresses the idea. Billy Doo, the little Frenchman, tuned up his fiddle ; Johnny Horner got his bugle oiled, and Hank Dubelbase pi-ejiared his violoncello for action. The people formed for a cotillon, five sets on the floor, all merry and jolly as spring chickens before decapi- tation overtakes them, and away they went at the word go. All hands around, swing to your places, right and left, ladies change — the way Gerker kept them going was a caution to people with weak ankles. Then they danced Virginia reel, Monnie Musk and Lady Washington, kicking up their festive heels in bewitching style ; then an- other cotillon, and so on until midnight, when- supper was announced. TuK Supper. As I have already explained, the supper was quite poor. The boiled potatoes were underdone, the cabbage had been cooked in too much water, ■*' 200 THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEORGE. the onions in too little, and the biscuit were like putty baked with a crust. Tlie pork was tolerable, and the ham was well enough, except that the hand that seasoned it liad been too prodigal of salt. The cold turkey was tough and stringy, the cucumbers hard and vinegarless, but the ketchup was bully. A cracker pudding was served up with an ointment made of butter and brown sugar, which was better than the pudding. AVarm dried apple pie, cheese and hard cider concluded this branch of the festivities, and after drinking the toast, " George "Washington and Tommy Jones — the first and last in the hearts of their country- men — long may they wave," the party returned to the ball-room. Dancing was resumed and kept up until three o'clock, when the company dispersed. To Sum Up. We had a splendid time. Nothing was said to offend the most fastidious, and everything passed off like a June day. Of course there were three or four fights down-stairs, as usually happens on such an occasion ; and George Gilbert found it n^l^ssary to cori-ect a young fellow who stepped on his wife's dress and ripped it, but he did it so THE NATIVITY OF ONE GEORGE. 201 neatly, expeditions! j, and effectually, that it was scarcely noticed in the ball-room except when the folks heard the young fellow going down-stairs four steps at a time. During the last dance some one threw a bunch of lighted fire- crackers into the hall, which made a general scattering. The offi- cers of the law are after the miserable perpetra- tor of this dastardly outras'e, whoever she or he may be, and no social standing, or influential rela- tives, or plethoric pocketbook can shield said per- son from punishment in case a capture is effected. Financially, Tommy Jones cleared about $15, of which amount he proposes to donate five per cent, to the church. I w^ish "Washington's bii'thday came once a week, instead of annually. Yours all over, R. S. Trueman. 9* 202 KEMAKKABLE CLERICAL rEKFOKMANCE. LETTER XXXI. A EEIIARKABLE CLERICAL PERFORMANCE IT NEVER BEFORE OCCURRED, AND NEVER WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Pine Grove, Feb. 27. .jSW WENT to clmrcli last nio-ht. To an ont- m^ sider tliis might appear a very unimportant matter, but the fact is it is something very nnusnal for me to do. I generally pass my Sun- day evenings at Tommy Jones's tavern, where we discuss religious topics, and very profound argu- ments we have too. I have gained a gi-eat deal of useful information at these meetings, and, I have reason to believe, have disseminated not a little. It was my intention to go to Tommy's last night, as the subject of Transmogrification was to come up for elucidation. But on Satur- day afternoon I received the following love-letter: "Dear Truey:— Rev. L. Wilks, D.D., pie- sents his hand and heart to you, and expressly KEMAEKABLE CLERICAL PERFORMANCE. 203 desires, for unanswerable reasons, that you pre- sent yourself at church on Sunday night and listen to one of the rippingest sermons you ever heard. I propose to give my congregation jesse and particular fits. He wishes for once that you break in upon your ancient custom of gathering yourself around the hospital)le fireplace of Mr, Jones, as I know you are in the habit of doing every Sunday night, and hearken fo some palatal truths. He promises you more f nn than a horse can draw. I am going to make the people wince, and he wants you to see the operation ])erformed. He will not take No for an answer. Come and see nie. Affectionately yours, " Eev. a. Wilks-, D.D." What a letter for a minister to write, thought I. What with his " he's " and " I's," and his uncommon familiarity, I was sur])rise(l to death, or nearly so. I believe I saw the point. lie wanted his sermon reported for the newspapers, and he imagined I would do it. I hardly knew what to do at first, but finally I wrote a brief re- ply signifying my acceptance, aii'l carried it over to him. It was an awful sacrifice to give up Tonnny Jones's, and the pitcher of warm cider, 204 EEMAEKABLE CLERICAL PERFORMANCE. well pej)pered, the tobacco, the genial spirits that usually assembled there, the theological jollity, and all those little points that go to make np real enjoyment; but I did it like a man, or martyr, and I have not made up my mind which. I went over, however, and found the church well filled with people, it having been understood that Parson Wilks was to throw himself exten- sively. Deacon Amory walked me into his pew, impudently remarking that he was glad to see me on the track of reformation. The parson evidently had made extensive preparations, for all around him, on the chairs, and pulpit, and table, and floor, were piled a great number of books, about as many as I ever saw together be- fore. There were bii»: books and little ones ; new books and old ones ; gilt-edged books and books in plain binding; trim and neat-looking books, and shabby books with leaves all askew and evidently in the last stages of literary con- sumption ; books by ancient authors and by modern ones ; books of history, of theology, of poetry and of romance, all piled around the pulpit in wonderful confusion. It looked as though Parson Wilks was in a state of intellec- tual siege, and had barricaded himself with this REMARKABLE CLEKTCAL PERFORMANCE. 205 literary fortification, to prevent, or overcome, the attacks of his argumentative enemies. It was a singular-looking scene, and one sekhjin seen. I was astonished, amazed, and confounded. So was Deacon Amorj. So were all of them. Parson Wilks had on an old ragged coat (eccentricity), a frayed collar (more eccentricity), and the bow of his necktie was twisted around under his right ear (ignorance). He certainly presented a very discreditable appearance. After the choir had overtured and the usual prayer had been prayed, Parson Wilks, more nervous and excited than I ever saw him before, announced his text, to wit : " It may be better to give something than, to re- ceive nothing, but it's hunky to receive, never- theless." lie said the world was divided into two classes, givers and receivers. If he were to judge the outside people by the inhabitants of Pine Grove, he should state the proportion to be one giver to forty-nine receivers. Here he read Shakespeare's " Measure for Measure." The lib- erality of most men consisted of profuse expres- sions of sympathy, which was all very well in its way, but a poor way at best. Sandwiches made out of words and ideas never could keep the liimgry from starvation. (Cheers.) To illustrate 206 REMARKABLE CLERICAL PERFORMANCE. the point he read the " Prisoner of Chillon." If charity covereth a in altitude of sins, as has been suggested, why does not some one throw a mantle of shinplasters over the wickedness of Pine Grove ? (Tremendous applause.) Here he quoted largely from the works of Zoroaster, and read two chapters of Greeley's History of the Re- bellion. The charity of Pine Grove was like a sore throat, so enveloped with red flannel you couldn't see the sore. He would not be so nro-ent in this matter, but we ouo-ht to soar higher in our benevolent aspirations. We should cast our bread upon mill-ponds, or our cake would be dough. The parson then read fifty j)ages out of Miss Leslie's cookery book, the first part of Butler's Analogy, and a portion of Lalla Kookli. Continuing his discourse, he said it was plain that while it was the duty of all to give freely, it was equally the duty of all to receive as much as pos- sible. He illustrated this by reading a chapter from " Great Expectations," introducing Weni- niick and his love of portable property, and after- wards recited that wonderful Hamletian soliloquy, which I never hear without shedding tears of dis- tress, beginning, " To give, or not to give — that's •what's the matter." He then went on to say that KEMARTvABLE CLERICAL PERrOR:MANCE. 207 charity never killed any one, althoui^-h he knew a few whom it would be charity to kill. He looked at me very impressively, and I looked at him in a dignified way, pretending that I did not know he was alludino; at me. He then read " The Robber's Revenge," " Ivanhoe," " Hiawatha," three or four of Mrs. Mulbach's novels, and the last presidential message. He said the charity of the people was like an ostrich, although he disliked to make game of suchasubject, for it always hid its head in the sands of time. He illustrated this by reading a few chapters of natural history, and a rapid re- view of geological formations. By this time half the congregation was asleep, and the other half would have been, had not madness ruled the hour in their hearts. By dexterous management the parson succeeded in keeping their attenticm fixed upon him, using such means as knocking heavy books off from the pulpit upon the floor, stamping with his feet, and talking in an up- roarious tone of voice. It was the strangest ser- raon I ever listened to. He quoted and read from at least fifty different books, and his sermon occupied from seven until eleven o'clock. No one, not even himself, knows how much longer he would have preached, but the peojile had 208 EEMARKABLE CLERICAL PERFORMANCE. dropped out by degrees until at the last-named hour only about a dozen were left down-stairs. The sexton went up into the gallery and awoke tlie choir, and when they had sung an apology for a hymn, as choirs are apt to do under such adverse circumstances, the meeting adjourned. I tried to take a short-hand report of the sermon for your benefit, but it turned out the longest hand re- port I ever wrote. The floor of the pew in which I sat had three inches of lead-pencil whittlings on it, and I got so sleepy that the last twenty pages of my manuscript are almost illegible. It took forty cents' worth of foolscap to write it down. I shall be unable to attend church for some time. I write this with my left hand, my right one being disabled. Yours distressedly, R. S. Teueman. AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION. 209 LETTER XXXIL AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION, WHEREIN FOEEOKDI- NATION IS SOMEWUAT CONSPICUOUS. Pink Geove, March 8. i^l^ii^ E had an election here yesterday, which I believe to have been unparalleled in the annals of Pine Grove. We had a little difficulty in our Republican caucus to start with, and I was unexpectedly beaten, through the mach- inations of Parson Wilks, John Klinker and other shining lights, on the nomination for Justice of the Peace. But the noble, lion-hearted Democra- cy, out of pure sympathy and a desire to strength- en the balance of their ticket, put me on, but I don't know whether I am elected or not. In fact, no one can tell who the lucky fellows are, as you will learn by reading this letter. The Demo- crats have made us lots of trouble of late years by counterfeiting our tickets, and the question was 210 AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION. ably discussed by the town committee as to the means of preventing it this year. The best sug- gestion was made by Jimmy Amory, who proposed that the Republican ticket be written out with pen and ink, and, as no Democrat here can write even his own name, it would be utterly impossible to counterfeit the ballots. The suo-o-estion did not prevail, however, and the tickets were printed in Itochester, as usual. As usual, too, the Democrats had counterfeit ballots. How they got hold of a copy of the genuine, is a mystery to those who don't know anything about it. It is supposed, however, that Tommy Jones went over to Deacon Amory's, who had charge of the tickets, in the night time, raised the window of the deacon's bed- room, and, with a long stick with a bent pin in the end of it, succeeded in abstracting the object of his ambition. Much as I am opposed to the party, I cannot but honor their shrewdness and bravery. Being a justice of the peace, I acted as one of the election board. Everything passed off quietly until noon, when there was an unusual commotion outside the tavern where the polls were held. Presently, amidst great cheering, in came Betsy McCracken, with a Democratic ticket in her hand. She marched up to the ballot-box AN ACCOUNT OP AN ELECTION, 211 and handed it to Tommv Jones, who, seeino- its political complexion, Avas about to chuck it into the box, but I prevented him, and handed back the ticket to Betsy. She was highly indignant, and, judging from the odor of gin and tansy (with which I am familiar) that she brought in with her, was slightly intoxicated. " Do you re- ject a free woman's ballot ? " said she, striking an attitude which was not very impressive, on account of her having a wooden leg. " The constitution, ray dear Mrs. IMcCracken," I began to explain, " is the bulwark of our liberties, and has been handed down to us by our celebrated forefathei-s, of whom you may have heard." " The deWl take the four or five fathers," said she in a serai-profane raairaer ; " all I want to know is whether you will take this certificate." " Have you been — ahera ! — naturalized, my dear ? " " N'o, but I have been civilized. It's no use talking butter to you. I am a taxpayer, and I demand that the right of, suffering be given rae." " Why, Betsy," said I, " you are not a taxpayer. You haven't auy prop- erty." "Indeed, sir, I am a taxpayer. I pay on my dog every year, and three dollars at that." " Betsy, ray love," said I, somewhat taken back, "ycTur claim is certainly an excellent one, and 212 AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION. your idea of woman's rights is certainly commend- able. I will consult with my associates in office." Tommy Jones, John Wiley and myself talked the thing over. Tommy was in favor of receiving the ballot, the more so as it was a Democratic one, but the rest of us were of the opinion that it would be illegal. While we were consulting to- gether, in came Sam Digly. Sam is the only colored person in town, and quite a pet in conse- quence of this fact. He offered his ticket, and it was taken, and put into the ballot-box. You should have seen the McCracken then : she stamped her wooden foot vehemently ; she raved, and tore around frio-htfullv, and delivered one of the most extraordinary extemporaneous orations I ever had the misery of hearing. By this time the crowd in the bar-room, excited beyond control by the curious spectacle, was jostling and jam- ming around in a fearful way, and at last, with a mighty surge, the boys pushed over the table, and the ballot-box, falling upon the floor, was broken open and the tickets scattered all over. " Pi-otect the purity of the ballot," shouted Tommy Jones, making herculean efforts to get hold of the box. "We will," cried out a dozen other Democrats pressing forward to assist. The box was secured, AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION. 213 the tickets picked up and placed in it, and when we had nailed it up, and order had been restored, the voting proceeded. I noticed some of the Democrats whispering together during the after- noon and feeling unusually jolly, which was rather an uncommon circumstance. I observed that even Tommy Jones relaxed in vigilance and didn't challenge more than thirty voters, which action on his part was somewhat surprising, as he always makes it a point to challenge at least half the Eepublican voters. When the election closed the poll list showed that 318 names of voters had been registered. We opened the Ijox — of all as- tonishing things this was the astonishingeet — and counted the ballots, and there were 774 tickets in that box, and 690 of them were Democratic, be- sides two bunches of fifty each which were tied together, and which looked suspicious. You should have heard Tommy Jones blow np the Town Clerk for not keeping a correct list of the voters ! Well, to make a short story a little longer, the Election Board refused to make a canvass, ex- cept Tommy Jones, who went on alone and made one, and reported the entire Democratic ticket elected by over 600 majority. There are some people who think that when Tommy cried out 214 AN ACCOUNT OF AN ELECTION. to preserve the purity of the ballot, that he did not mean what he said, and acted accordingly. 1 don't know how the thing will be decided, but I presume it will be thrown into the hands of the Board of Supervisors. If the Eoard accept the returns, why then I shall continue in office as Justice of the Peace. I hurriedly close. Diimer is nearly ready, for I smell the onions. Hungrily yours, R. S. Tbueman. WEATUEK AND INSPIRATION. 215 LETTEPt XXXIII. ABOUT THE WEATHER, AND WHAT INJURY IT CAN DO IN THE WAY OF INSPIRATIONS. Pine Gkove, MarcJi 15. N all my correspondence with your excel- lent chronicling and Democratic jonrnal, I have heretofore studiously avoided making the slightest allusion to the weather, I can lay that flattering unction to my soul, anyway, as a certain poet says whose name I do not remember. Wliat I have suffered and endured in feeling by so doing is known only to my family, who have had to catch it in consequence of my forbearance. When I am not blowing to you I have to blow at them, to even the thing up. Wliat you have been spared by my generosity ought to call forth your heartfelt thanks, and I have a right to expect, and hope to receive, a generous reward in token of 216 WEATHER AND INSPIRATION. your appreciative spirit. But at last the time has come for me to gush. I cannot hold in any longer. The invigorating influence of this new spring balm is too powerful, and I must let off steam. The rising of the sun nowadays is perfectly delicious, as my daughter quaintly re- marks. Tlie fading darkness ; the gray twi- light ; the ligliting up of the eastern sky ; the rising of the valley mists ; the crimson blush of early morn ; the scattering of the fleecy clouds ; the flnal appearance of the god of day on the stao-e of action after nature has ivjlled up the curtain of niglit — all these ai-e sweet and refreshing to the hungry soul panting for communion with essentiality. (N.B. — I stole that last sentence out of an old composition that my daughter wrote, and it sounded so kind of pretty I thought I would pass it off for my own.) I don't go much on personal observation of sun- rises, and am perfectly willing to take anybody's word to any extent concerning that spectacle rather than investigate it myself. I never got up but once in my life to see the sun get up, and I never felt so miserable in all my born days after the show was over. All the day I couldn't get over the impression that I hadn't WEATHEK AND INSPIEATION. 217 had any sleep in a month. But such weather as we are having here in Pine Grove is worth looking after and keeping. We can sit out in the open air all day long on the tavern steps, and lay out our plans for our spring work, and talk about the people, and abuse them just as natu- rally. And all this in the slandered month of March, too! ^yhere's your Aveather prophets, and such like, now ? I have written thusly merely as an introduction to a sweet little pastoral poem on spring, which I have kindly consented to in- corporate into my letter, and I didn't know how to present it in any other way so that it would come in properly. Is it necessary for me to say that the poem is from the heart, head, and pen of my accomplished and lovely daughter, Maudrine LiLLiANE Tkueman ? I trust not. Springtide. Oh, goodness ! ain't I tickled To find that spring is here — The balmy air, the sunshine, And all I love so dear ? I'd trade off all the winters (and be glad to do it) that I ever saw or knew, j If all springs that are yet to come (and I don't care how many there may be) were like this — wouldn't you ? 10 218 WEATHEK AND INSPIRATION. It's nice to go out walking Without your hat or shawl, And you needn't wear your rubbers For fear you'll slip and f aU ; For now the sidewalks are all dry (leastwise all the plank ones are), you need not fear to go, And leave your shoes and stockings off (and I tell you its splendid to go barefooted) — where's the harm I'd like to know ? It's lovely for to snufE up The pure, clear air of naom, And sweet to watch the sunrise The hills and vales adorn, And let the gentle breezes kiss (and I prefer them to any of the fellows I know anything about) your hair and blow your nose — I tell you what it's lots of fun (and cheap too) as you can well suppose. It makes me feel so frisky, I don't know wliat to do But laiigh and kick my heels up And feel so good all through, To think that Spring has sprung a trap (and I hope it wiU always be such a successful hunter as it has proved this time) and caught the Winter fast, And, oh, I most sincerely hope (and if it goes back on its promise I'll be madder than fiu-y) the reformation'!! last. As no ideas of ray own coiicerning this elegant AVEATllEK AKD mSPIKATION. 219 weather can be of any account after reading this poem, I will destroy them and bury them in the grave of forgetf ulness. Solemnly yours truly, R. S. Tkueman. 220 mcroENTS aj^^d accidents. LETTER XXXir. INCIDENTS AND ACCIDENTS. PmE Grote, March 17. Peccavi. cfs^ WOULD like to discount about twenty-five L'^s-ji^ per cent, from the statements made in my last letter concernino- the weather. I knew at the time it was rash to go very heavy on the month of March, but I did feel so good over the balmy days and the fair prospect of their contin- uance, that I permitted my feelings to overpower my judgment. There is only one way now to rectify the error, and you can do it if you under- stand the rectifying business. I request as a mat- ter of friendship (and if you love me as much as you pretend to, you will do it) that you proceed speedily to collect the entire edition of the Demo- orat and Clironide containing my unfortunate letter, and, having done so, destroy by fire the evi- INCIDENTS AND ACCmENTS. 221 dence of my weakness. My daughter joins with me in this little request and seconds the motion. Local Items. We do not have many occurrences here that would interest you. Whenever anything unusual takes place I always notify you, and give you a conscientious and truthful report. I wouldn't give any other kind. I couldn't do otherwise. Not having any fancy to fall back upon, I can deal only in facts. It gives me pleasure to inform you that Mrs. Stringer has a felon on her hand as big as a pumpkin, or smaller. She has them so much that the people talk about indicting her for felon-y and make her furnish the evidence. Mrs. Dany has got a boil, which she tried to keep to herself, but in spite of all she could do it leaked out. Matilda Hooker has the rheumatism bad, and from this I conclude that she is a member of the Sore-ossis. (Explanation : This joke is intend- ed only for students and understanders of Latin. If I had only been born in Latinny, and this paper was published there, everybody could see the point without my calling especial attention to it. I dislike to write out an exposition of its shrewd- 222 INCroENTS AND ACCIDENTS. ness, and tell the reader what a noble thing it is, because it has a tendency to make it thin, but I do want to have it appreciated ; maybe I can never execute another like it.) Mr. Wiley has had his axe ground, and offered to bet that he can chop 9,000 cords of wood in thirty jears, and at- tend church regularly. Betsy McCracken broke her lamp yesterday, but can't tell how she did it. She wants a little light on the subject. It was a nice lamp. Everybody thought it a brilliant one when lighted. There was considerable excite- ment here on Wednesday. While I was showing my daughter how to split wood and save her poor old father a portion of his hard work, a message was sent to me that a waiter at Tommy Jones's tavern had fallen out of the second story window upon the sidewalk, and had been seriously injured. I went right down there, and found, to my chag- rin, that the waiter was an old tea-tray that Mrs. Jones had accidentally let fall, and that one corner of it where it struck was a little jammed. I after- wards went to see the messeno:er. I found him, lie had an unpleasant smile on his features. Lest it might appear like boasting, I will not state what I did to that messenger, but merely remark that I understand he is at present under the care INCIDENTS AND ACCIDENTS. 223 of an eminent doctor of your city, and that he will be wholly nnable for some time to come to per- petrate any more serious jokes on yours truly, or anybody else's truly. There was a great de- struction of tea here yesterday afternoon, and the price has gone up ten cents a pound. It was occasioned by the Sewing Society having one of its regular weekly gossips. Tommy Jones has got a new almanac for this year, which actually tells the state of the weather for every day in the season. It's awful handy. You can look ahead and see when it will rain or snow, or be pleasant, and make your calculations accordingly. It runs a little singular to be sure, but I guess it's all right. Thus : 1, 2, 3, j^leasant ; 4, 5, 6, rainy ; 7, 8, 9, clear and cold ; 10, 11, 12, cloudy and hot ; and then it g(^es back to first principles, like this : 13, 14, 15, pleasant ; 16, 17, 18, rainy ; 19, 20, 21, clear and cold ; and so on, just like the circulat- ing decimals in arithmetic we used to swear about in our school days. This looks a little queer, but, as I am not much of a judge of almanacs, my opinion concerning it wouldiTi bo of any value. I would like to tell yoti about a ]ic\v suit of clothes Captain Long has just bought, and a new set of hair-pins his wife has got, and a great many 224: INCIDENTS AND ACCIDENTS. Other things that I know would interest you, but I am getting up an " Encyclopedia for Imitators," and this takes about all my time. Hard workingly yours, K. S. Tkueman. USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 225 LETTER XXXV. OUK CORRESPONDENT INCREASES HIS GROCERY STORE OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE, AND, AFTER LEARNING ALL HE CARES TO, SEEKS THE SHADES OF HIS HOME SOMEWHAT SURREPTITIOUSLY. Pine Grove, March 25. PEN this letter more in sorrow than in ^^ wrath; in a spirit of deep humility ; with all my pride vanished, and amidst the dis- pelling of ambitious hopes. Personally, I feel like a wet dish-cloth. If it were not for my posi- tion in society here, and the carrying out of the great work of regeneration and moral improve- ment in which I am so actively engaged, I should feel inclined to follow the advice of one lago and go hang myself. But, as I am situated, I propose to see the show out if it lasts all summer. The entertainment has been very fair so far, and I think I had better stay to the afterpiece. You Bee I had just set up a long row of mental blocks 10* 226 USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. ill a straiglit line, aiid, while intellectually con- templating them, some one up and hit the first one, it hit its neighbor, it fell against the next one, and so, rap-i-ty-rap, away they all tumbled. 'Twas ever thus from childhood's hour. For some time I have been treading very lightly on the moral corns of our Pine Grove people, and have been congratulating myself that all our old scores had been settled and receipts passed. I had even made up my mind that I was quite a literary character, and that the folks here appreci- ated me. I believed that I had been successful in dragging Pine Grove out of the obscurity in which it had been enveloped, and placing it be- fore the eye of the public in all its native mod- esty and brilliancy. I have been undeceived ; my fond hopes have received a black eye. Here is what did it. On Tuesday afternoon the Sew- ing Society held a meeting for a little sewing and a good deal of tea and an immense quantit}^ of talk, at the house of Deacon Robert Amory. I had long had a desire to ascertain what thirty women, who had neither the right to vote, nor swear, nor drink, nor chew tobacco, could find to talk about through the entire after- noon and evening. Place an equal number of TJSEFUL KNOWLKDGE. 227 men in tbe same situation and I will guarantee that at least half of them will dis; out within an hoiu", and the remainder cut their own throats if comj)elled to stay. Being friendly with Jinuny, the Deacon's son, I got him to secrete me in a room off from the parlor, where there wasn't any danger of being disturbed, and where 1 could hear everything that was said. It was managed so nicely that no one but Jimmy and myself knew anvthincr about it. About one o'cloclc the women assembled on the come-early-and-stay-late and not - go - awav - while - there - is - an v thing; - left - to-eat-principle, and shortly after the chairwoman, Mi"8. Scroon, tried to call them to order^ which, of course, she didn't. The roll was then called, and three ladies who were absent were fined each half a pound of young hyson tea, at which all the rest smacked their lips with a degree of sat- isfaction that was pleasant to observe. After this Mrs. Scroon said the conversation at the last meeting had been of a desultory character, and she desired that the Society at its present session attend more strictly to business. She tlicn an- nounced the subject for discussion to be Ti. S. Trueman. Imao-ine mv feelings ! Fear and curiosity alone prevented me from jumping out of 228 USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. the window and fleeing from the wrath to come ! The chairwoman then called for tlie speakers on the affirmative. Would you believe it — not a man of them responded ! My situation was be- coming disagreeable. When the negative was called, no less than twenty began talking all at once, and the hubbub was so great it was impos- sible to understand anything. But Mrs. Scroon quieted them down after a little, tellino- them that she appreciated their anxiety to talk, and didn't blame them a particle for wanting to be heard, but she thought that business would be expedited by hearing the speakers in order. She therefore would first call upon Mrs. Dan}^ Mrs. Dauy said she always considered that 'ar Trueman a villain of the deepest dye material, and had often wondered how he came to live in these days of culture and refinement. He ought to have been born and associated with Dick Turpin and Sixteen String Jack. That would have been his proper place. She was of the opinion that he was only let to live to show folks how wicked a man could be and still exist. Matilda Hooker rose to state her fervent belief that no pu]iishment here or hei-eafter could be found sufficiently severe to meet the case of USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 229 Truemaii. She would like to run liiin tlirougli a clothes-wringer, and make him as flat as his Pine Grove letters are. Mrs. Stringer said that this 'ere Trueman had poked fun at her in the newspapers because she had a felon. If she only fell ou him once, the Democrat and Chronicle would be obliged to find a new correspondent. Mrs. AYilej desired to remark that it was a shame for this fiend to pul)lish sncli a lot of trash as his daughter's poetry. Wliy, she her- self could take a broom for a pen, a l)uc-ket of tar for a bottle of ink, a ten-acre lot for a sheet of paper, and write better poetry in five minutes than Maudrine Trueman could in a year. The girl herself was as nice a girl as ever ate bread and butter and ci'ied for more, but her dad was continually putting her up to write trash for his own use, and he makes her think that these poems are the Avork of inspira- tion. Miss Spilkum said that she believed all of Trueman's letters were the work of ginspiration. If she were only Shylock, she would demand, not one pound of Trueman's flesh in expiation of his evil deeds, but 102 ]> COlVtBINATION OF TALENT AND EXTRA- OEDINAKY EXHIBITION OF MUSICAL GENIUS. Pine Grove, April 25. isn't the easiest task in the world to write ,„^^ a letter when there is nothino; to write about. Things do not happen every day out this way, but wlien they do I make much, and sometimes more, and not nnfrecpientl}^ the most of them. I have a great notion to write you about the concert we had here last Sundav night. I do not like to do so cither very well, for musical 2~)eople have such tender corns that you cannot point at them, to say nothing of treading on them, without their squealing. I don't want to get into a muss if I can help it, and people that sing are awful testy. Plowever, I will smooth the matter over as well as such an outrageous performance can be smoothed over, and in case I do not get desperate, as I am ajit to do when writing, 1 will WONDEKFUL COMBINATION. 253 give you as fair a criticism as my injured sensi- bilities will permit. To begin with, the concert was given for a benevolent object, by the choir, assisted by the bellows blower and a few outsid- ers who got into the musical ring on the sti-ength of their voices. The object of it all was to buy a new bell rope, the old one being weak, and ac- customed to break at unexpected times in un- desirable places. The purpose was all right enough, but it is a singular circumstance that the new rope cost just $17.25, which was the pre- cise amount taken at the door. I suppose the reason of this apparent singularity would be made obvious if I mentioned the names of the committee that had the matter in charge. K^ot beino- a fiij-htino- character I omit the names. The church was well filled with a hundred or moi-e people at fifteen cents a head. The per- formance began with a quartette entitled " Bo- logna," which I believe is a church tune. They sang it pretty well, considering. Next was a pastoral duet written by an eminent hoi-ticul- turist, entitled " Don't you wish you had some early spring peas and green lamb ? " It wa-j Bung by Mrs. J. Amory and George Low, and was wretched enough. Next came a chorus, 254 WONDERFUL COMBINATION. written expressly for the occasion, called " We have come from the mountains of the old Gran- ite State." The most of the audience labored under the impression that the chorus ought to have gone back where it came from without un- necessary delay. William Long then sang the well-known solo, " Put me on my little couch with warm bricks to my feet." lie wasn't asked tO' repeat it. Following this was a septette, for seven voices, written by Howler, called '"' Oh, what's the matter anyway ? " The singers broke down twice, but finally lirjshed it, to the great relief of the audience. The "• Melodeon Solo " was a squaky fugee, by one of the old masters, who suicided immediately after he had composed it. The audieaice didn't blame him for having done so, and felt inclined to follow his example while listening to it. It was too long. Half an hour is sufficient for anv melodeon solo, no mat- ter how beautiful, but to string out such a thing as that was for a whole hour, and to have it strung out by such an outlandish player as Miss Dany is, was imposing upon the people, and they resented it by hissing in a dignified way. George Low then sung a bass solo, entitled " Ker Chunk." The first verse runs : WONDERFUL CO^IBINATION. 255 'Tis the voice of the bullfrog, I hear him complain, I must hit him a rap Or he'll bellow again. The siiiojer was somewhat embarrassed by some one throwing peanuts at liim. Next came a trio for male voices, which was sung hj George Low, William Long, and Matilda Hooker, called " Was Cain an Abel Man ? " It was sung very poorly, in consecpience of the boy at the bellows going to sleep and letting the wind out of the instrument. This closed the first part. Time, 10 p.m. The second part began with an ecclesiastical refrain : " The dauo-hters of Judah & Co. demand the rii;-ht of suffraire voting." This piece was a quarter of an liour too long. Then came three or four pieces scarcely worth mentioning, which were executed in the highest style of barbarism. After these came the grand feature of the evenino;. Miss Dany performed the great musical feat, never before attempted, by playing upon two melode- ons at once. The instrun)ents were placed at right angles to each other. Miss Dany sitting in the angle thus formed. She played better than she did the fii-st time, although it was nothing to 256 WONDERFUL COIVIBINATION. brag of. AVliile playing slie sang a simj)le Sunday -scliool hymn called, " Ain't I glad to go to a Sunday-schot)l where they tend strictly to business." She was raj)turously applauded, and was o-oino; to do it all over a2:ain, but the folks said it was a shame to impose upon her good nature to such an extent, and so the audience got out of listening to the triangular effort again. The full chorus then sang a massive production by Earl Y. Riser, entitled " Wake, wake, the sun's been up more'n an hour." Afterwards Gilbert Geelic sang a pathetic song, called " The Jams of Matrimony," which was decidedly inap- propriate for a sacred concert. By this time it was midnight, and tlie people wdio had washing to do the next day began to go out in squads, perceiving which, the singers slammed their books down upon the seats and refused to sing more. They even intimated that the audience couldn't tell good music when they heard it. Some one in the audience called out " try us and see." This ended the entertainment, and I hope I never again will be oblio-ed to take notes or notice of such a feeble display. Thinkingly yours, R. S. Tkueman. THE AUTIIOK AS A GRANGER. 257 LETTER XL. THE AUTHOR AS A PRIME EVIL GRANGER. Pine Guove, May 6. j^^^' AM engaged in the pursuit of my garden. '^'" Wiien I shall catch up to it the land only knows. My time, however, is wholly devot- ed to this fascinating work, and I write this letter with a hoe-handle, while simultaneously raking off last year's crop of weeds, which I was unable to gather last fall on account of a lack of disposition to do so. The season is getting the best of me, for while spring is two-thirds finished my garden isn't a quarter completed. I always work slow and sure. If I have any best hold this is it, es- pecially the slow part. I go out and labor inces- santly for five minutes, and then I come back and rest, and reflect upon the havoc I have made among the angleworms. I also lay uiy plans for future action. These things take considerable time. When I cannot rest any more I come into 258 THE AUTHOR AS A GEAKGER. the garden Maude again, as somel)ody who don't know much about gardening, if he does call liim- self a poet, once said. I began my garden early, but it does not look like an early garden for all that. It has rather the appearance of one of those better-late-than-never-if-at-all gardens. I began spading in February, just to make a com- mencement, and yesterday I tried to find the place M'hei-e the fii'st shovelful of earth was turned, and I had to give it up. Tommy Jones says tliat by the time I get it all spaded I will have to go back and spade it over again, the ground will get so hard. But then Tommy don't get tired as often and as easy as I do ; if he did, he could appreciate the situation more keenly, and would cease his uncalled-for and unkind ob- servations. I am so bewildered as to what to sow, or set out or plant (if 1 ever get along as far as that), that I am cheated out of half of my regular sleep and have lost the best part of my appetite. If any one finds it, they will secure an article that has never been known to fail in the dryest season. I find that literary pursuits, and spading gar- dens, do not run in the same channels. They are entirely different games. When spades are tj-amps and gardening the game, you can take a THE AUTHOE AS A GKANGEE. 259 liand with some show of winning. But when intellectual diamonds turn up, and jou try to polish them for puhlic exhibition, you find that jour former labor has unsettled your writing ca- pacity, and you are apt to produce a composition tea of the weakest kind. The two things are incongruous, as a friend of mine once remarked, being in a state of verbal rhapsody. My last letter about the concert, written in a careless way, while my mind was pi'coccupied with my garden, came within an ace of raising the deuce with me, for clubs turned up trumps in the un- appreciative hearts of the people, and I only es- caped a licking by solemnly promising never to ask for any mure free tickets to shows and tliino-s. I have either got to quit writing or quit hcjrticul- turing. I have got to abandon my literary garden or my potato patch. I cannot produce both intellectual and vegetable food. I don't know whether I had, or hadn't, or why. 1 am 60 desperate that I shall become a desperado if I don't make np my mind to do one, or the other, or both, or neither. I tried to buy a garden al- ready made, or leave my measure for one, but the people that deal in this kind of ware were unable to make satisfactory terms with me. 260 THE AUTHOK AS A GRANGER. They offered to supply me at a reasonable rate and throw off half for cash. The bargain wasn't concluded. They can keep their second-hand gardens for all I care. Despairingly, yet hopefully yours, E. S. Teueman. THE riNE GROVE KU-KLUCKEES. 2G1 LETTEE XLI. ORGANIZATION OF THE PINE GROVE KU-EXrCKERS. PmE Gkove, May 10. has come at last. I have expected and proj)hesied that it would corae, and my prophetic soul, like that of Hamlet, has not been mistaken. A society for the develop- ment of the rights of unprotected females, and for the equal diffusion of punishment among unbelieving males, has been organized in Pine Grove. Notice was passed around among the down trodden that a conflab would be held at the meeting-house on Tuesday night, but only the faithful would be admitted to participate in the mental feast. The arranii^ement committee tried to obtain a room in a private house, where facilities for making tea could be had, but it was found impossil)lc to do so. On Tuesday after- noon two womanly females came marching into 262 THE PINE GKOVE KU-KLUCKERS. town, who had walked all the way from Roches- ter, just to show their manly independence. These persons had come for the purpose of in- stituting a branch society for the womanly art of self-defiance. They made their headquarters at Mr. Dany's, where many of the ladies called upon them. At seven o'clock the church doors were opened, but only women were permitted to enter and observe the mystic women's rites. The meeting was pounded into order by Mrs. Dany, who took pleasure in introducing to the brilliant galaxy of virtue and intelligence which she saw assembled before her, those sky-rockets of female rights — those women who, having abandoned their homes and families, were o-i^'in^C their lives and their efforts to the propagation of human justice and the establishment of divine princi- ples — Mrs. Tungey and Mrs. O'Eacket. (Sen- sational ajDplause.) These ladies, having laid aside their overcoats and stood their umbrellas up in the corner, acknowledged the enthusiastic cheering that greeted them, by graciously ducking their heads. Mrs. Tungey said that she was ex- tremely gratified to be present on such an auspi- cious occasion — nav, more than that, she was real glad. It was necessary, in order to comiilete the THE PINE GROVE KU-KLUCKEES. 263 organization of the noble army of female Ku- khickers, that officers should be chosen. And here ensued a very pretty scene. Mrs. Kiiowall, Mrs. Amory, Mrs. Wiley, Miss Tattler and Eetsy McCracken were nominated for perma- nent chairwomen. Mrs. Dany nominated herself for the office. Mrs. Tungey tried to effect an elec- tion by a viva voce vote, but there was so much more voce than anything else, that the plan had to be abandoned and the ballot substituted. Xo choice on first ballot, every woman voting for herself. Mrs. Wiley protested against such action. As she had first raised her clarion voice aloft within the classic precincts of Pine Grove in defence of the rights, and against the wrongs, of women, she thought the honor, as a matter of justice and as a recognition of services, ought to be conferred upon hei'self. She therefore moved that her nomination be made unanimous. Mrs. Knowall said she would be teetotally squomexed before she would consent to such a thing. Mrs. Dana objected, and moved the pre- vious question. Betsy McCracken moved that the meeting adjourn, be gorra. Several ladies, anticipating a riot, moved out of the church. Mrs. Amory called for a new deal. Point of 264 THE PINK GROVE KU-KLUCKERS. order raised, that tlie expression was unparHa- inentary. Sustained by the chair. A new ballot was ordered. Whole number of votes cast was 35, of which Mrs. Dana received 2 ; scattering, 83. Mrs. Dana was declared elected. On tak- ing the chair she expressed her satisfaction with the result of the balloting, and thanked her sup- porters for the interest they had taken in her be- half. It was time that women began to move in the matter of equal rights and unequal wrongs, and what more appropriate moving time could be selected than the month of May. Our defamers have said that if woman accepts the ballot, she must accept everything else. "Women can be as good lawyers as men, for what are lawyers but persons given to the use of the tongue glibly? They can be as good farmers, for it is rare to find a woman who has ever washed dirty clothes but what is familiar with the products of the soil. (Terrific banging of shoe leather after they began to see the joke.) Some females object to the ballot being conferred upon the sex, but like good beef, it's rare you'll find it. Mrs. Dany then read a letter from S-s-n B. A-t-o-y, which was a splendid dissertation on woman's rights, but a poor specimen of woman's THE PINE GROVE KU-KLUCKERS. 265 write, to judge by the bungling manner in ■which it was read. Mrs. Stringer then got up on a bench and tried to read an oriijinal essav, CD %j 1 but the chairwoman declared it out of order. Some one moved that Mrs. Stringer lay her essay on the table. Mrs, Sti-inger said she'd lay there herself first. Motion withdrawn. They then went to work to nominate persons to fill the remaining offices, with the following result: For vice-scolder, Mrs. Wiley ; book-keeper, Mrs. Klinker ; financier, Mrs. Moneybags. The chair- woman announced the standing committees : On parasols, the Missers Dany, Hooker and Amory ; on foreign relations to the business of other people, Missers Dany, Low and Wren ; on chig- nons and squeaky shoes, Missers Dany, Fussy and Miss Long ; on other folks' new clothes, Missers Dany, Stringer and Scroon ; on the abolishment of household work, the entire society. Mrs. Skinmier said it was unfair for Mrs. Dany to be on all the committees. Mrs. Dany desired to be informed whether the previous speaker had men- tal calibre cnono-h to mind her own business. This came near making a muss, and Mrs. Skim- mer left the church grating her teeth, the sound of which was visible to the naked ear half a 12 266 THE PINE GEOVE KD-KLrCKERS. mile distant. After this the following question was discussed, "Are women really what thev try to make themselves out to be ? " It was decided in the affirmative, every one speaking on that side of tlie question. The society then let out. It may be wondered at how I obtained these particulars. I will simj^ly say that if the women hadn't talked so loud, and the broken window in the church had been repaired, neither Tommy Jones nor myself could have heard what was said, and I should have been unable to furnish this truthful account. The society has a great work to perform. "Will it manfully come up to the task ? Yours in doubt, R. S. Tkueman. THE AUTHOR UNDEK THE WEATHER. 267 LETTER XLII. THE AUTHOR UNDER THE WEATHER. Pine Grove, June 1. A2T IDLE IDYL. I scream, but to my cry No ice-cream comes as yet ; I call for a nice cake, An ice cake I can't get. Ice cold it -was, but now I scold for it again ; I long for winter'-s snow, But 'tis no use to comjjlaia, O, summer's frizzling beat — Fit tbeme for melting lays — Come, fans and linen clothes. And close these burning days ! That cooler days will come Experience's school doth teach ; 'Twill curb my punning ways, My punishment 'twill reach [Goldsmith's Hidden Icicia '2QS THE AUTHOR UOT)EK THE WEATHER. I don't know what the opinion of those fellows in Washington, who nm the probability machine, may be, concerning the weather, but it looks to me as thono-h the summer had come wrons^ end to. It is ridiculous to have August weather in June. You might as well have canned peaches in October, or ice-cream in December ; one is as proper as the other. This thing has got to be fixed, or I'll move up north, where they don't know what weather means. One can keep warm in SiJ'ur country as well as here. My Garden begins to vield an income. The first instalment was paid in the shape of dandelion greens, last week. Also horse-radish. I never realized be- fore how much of good eating could be had from a garden. I am going to have some early green corn by the ears in a very few months. I can hardly restrain my impatience for the time to come around. I have got my lettuce plants set out ; I have staked up my turnips and sowed my potatoes. Think it better not to plant any onions. One of mv neio;lil:)ors has ^ot enouo-h for two families, and he doesn't keep a dog. Onions is my great strength : I scent of theiu from afar. the author under the weathee. 2g9 Personal. Captain Long went to Rochester the other day, and came back with two as black eves as I ever looked upon and shuddered over. They belong to Mrs. Lonoj. A minister in vour citv irave Mr. Long the right and title to them in a little trans- action, which united the captain and the Mrs. in the holy bonds of padlock and the jaws of matrimony. Tommy Jones has gone on a fishing excursion in the wilds of Braddock's Bav. If he lives, he will come back alive this week some time, or next week, or at some other future time, if he comes at all. He says he don't believe in spar- ing the rod and spoiling his appetite. I am tendino; bar for him while he is awav, and find it exhilarating business, (Mr. Truemau's manu- cript furnishes abmidant evidence of this.) 1 told him when he went away not to hurry back on account of business, for I would do the needful in his absence. I wanted to know where he bought his liquors, by the wholesale. I didn't find out. He said if his wife told me where he bought his liquor he'd lick her when he returned. Mrs. Dany has had a couple of teeth pulled, and seems to be furbishing up her 270 THE AUTIIOK UNDER THE WEATHER. personal appearance extensively. A stranger, judging from her chignon, might think she was putting on hairs. All the farmers about here wlio are busy, are hard at work. — Deacon Amory and Parson Wilks have gone away for a few days, which accounts for a scarcity of items. John Wiley, the grocery keeper, got out of tea last week, and the Sewing Society has adjourned until he can replenish his stock. Perspiringly yours, E.. S. Trueman. MAKING AN ENEMY. 271 LETTER XLIII. OTJE COREESPONDEXT MAKETH AN ENEMY AND DIS- COUESETH TO YE MANY EEIENDS. Pine Grove, June 13. IIINGS continue in New Yov'^state-uquo. People that heretofore swore at the hot weather, now put on their overcoats, and blaspheme vigorously at the change in the at- mosphere. Some people never are suited with winter clothes or summer clothes. The close of summer suits me best. Tommy Jones has re- turned from Braddock's, with a string of fish only equalled by the string of stories he has to tell. He notes as a remarkable piscatorial phe- nomenon that nearly all the fish he obtained were in-seine. When Tommy counted up the profits on his bar a wonderful change came over his countenance — more change than went into his pocket. I represented that trade was dull. lie 272 MAKUS'G AN ENEMY. responded by rapping on the heads of the liquor barrels, which gave forth a hollow sound, and by pointing to the rows of empty bottles. I told him I was entitled to a great deal of credit, to which he replied that my credit had run out, and hereafter it would be cash. He garnished his conversation with brimstony expressions which I dislike to repeat, but which were very effective, and moved me not only to tears, but also out of doors. I am of the opinion that I am barred out. I find that Tommy Jones doesn't love me as much as he pretended, and it looks as though the telegraph wire of affection, that has so long united our hearts, will have to be taken down, and the offices closed. To My Fair and Unfair Cokeespondents. It is amusing to see the number of letters I daily receive from unknown friends, and un- friendly enemies. It is a musing theme to dwell upon. They come to me with all sorts of advice and all manner of questions, and they generally arrive unsigned, which prevents my answering them and saves postage stamps. However, there are a few worthy of a reply, and although it is MAKING AN ENEirr. 273 disagreeable to answer in this public manner, as I cannot open my heart as I otherwise would, I think it better to do so. A. B. — You are right, but I am writer. You cannot fiddle an old tune that everybody knows, and pretend you composed it. You can compose your feelings on that point. — C. D. Tommy Jones is not a member of the Good Templars, or au}^ other temple, and does not write for any temperance journals. You have been cruelly misinformed. — E. F. "What do you suppose I care whether you like my style or not ? Your writing is so illegible I caimot make out a single word. Its close gives me great satisfaction. — G. II. By no means. True poetry is the essence of ginspiration. True- man poetry comes as close to it as may be. The specimen you send me may do for hymn-books and comic papers, but it won't do for me. Please enclose twelve cents for short postage on letter. — I. J. Maybe and maybe not. Some- times it does and sometimes it doesn't. You cannot put a head on lettuce by clubbing it. — K. Use a fine-tooth comb and ])ersevere. — L. M. Get out ! I have no time to devote to such spec- imens 'of numbers, such as your problem seems to be; still, as you seem to mean well I will answer 12* 274 MAKING AN ENEMY. this one, but if you have any regard for my feel- ings don't do so any more. Q. If eleven hens on a hot day can lay four quarts of medium egg plants, how many egg plants will it take to lay a million liens on a cold day ? A. I dc^n't know. — ]^. O. Am not per- sonally acquainted with Shake Spear. lie moved away before I came here. From your descrip- tion, should judge him to be a rascally newspaper correspondent. — P. R. Don't you think any more of yourself than to use a small i when a large I is proper ? It may save ink, but it galls me to the quick t(j observe it. John is not spelled with a little g. — S. T. The almanac is of no use. It doesn't come to time. It may do for your aunt Cestor but not for your uncle True- man. — U. Y. W. The jokes you send me are good. They have been considered so for ten years. As you say there are no new discoveries in the art of funnygraphy. — X. Z. Your letter perplexes me. Gasconade is good. So is lemon- ade, the way Tommy Jones fixes it. Cannot say as to musical ability, but know how to whistle. Horseradish in May is not unusual. We have it in winter. It is raised out of glass bottles. You are very sharp in your cutting remarks. I have MAKING AN ENEMY- 275 as much right to be synonymous as you have to be anonymous. Can I rely upon your protesta- tions of eternal love and undying fidelity ? You flatter me. On re-reading your letter I feel flat- ter than ever. — Thus do I answer a few of my many correspondents. Blessings on their devoted heads, and confusion to their facile pens ! Correspondingly yours, E.. S. Tbueman. 276 AN OCCURKENCE AND A PEKFOEMANCE. LETTER XLIV. "WHEREIN IS BRIEFLY DESCRIBED AN OCCURRENCE WHICH CAN HAPPEN ONLY ONCE A YEAR, AND WHEREIN ALSO IS NARRATED A PERFORMANCE THAT CAN OCCUR AT ANY TIME, BUT PROBABLY WILL NOT. Pine Grove, July 8, 1871. ^^ I J E did not have much of a time here on the 4th. The rain damped the proceedings, and there was a manifest disposition on the part of the people to refrain from all demonstra- tions, iKjt that they liked the American flag less, but quiet more. In point of fact we fourth- of-Julied very little. Sevei'al humane citizens made up a purse, and on the night of the 3d bought up the entire stock of firecrackei's, torpe- does, chasers, and different kind of fizzers, pop- pers and bangers, that John Wiley had in his gro- cery store, and dumped the entire assortment in the mill-pond. The result was a quiet day, but on the evening of the 4tli, the diabolical ingen- AJSr OCCUKRENCE AND A PEEFOEMAXCE. 277 uity of the boys, encouraged by the treatment they had received, manifested itself in an open- air concert. All the tin-pans, boilers and fish- horns in the village were drafted into service, and every man who had contributed anything to destroy the fun of the boys received a gratuitous serenade. The noise was fearful. It seemed as though the Falls Field orchestrion had got away and was off on a spree. The number of tunes those boys played was astonishing, and their musical ability must be a source of great com- fort to their respective parents. There was a brisk demand for shingles this morning, and from the amount of juvenile crying that was done, I jndge that an entertainment of a some- what different character was given. But what I chiefly wanted to write yon about was the great living curiosity Klinker has got. It is the condumbdest thing I ever saw. Klink- er was looking through his potato patch a few days ago, when what should he discover but a couple of potato bugs serenely nibbling away on the vines, and evidently enjoying themselves amazingly. The mind of Klinker has an inge- nious turn, and he never observes anything M'ith- out considering what useful purpose it may be 278 AN OCCUKKENGE AND A PERFORMANCE. put to. He went into the house and got a bottle, and after considerable work, succeeded in cap- turino; the buo-s alive. He has been at work ever since training the animals, and it is astonishing to see what a state of perfection potato bugs can be brought. He has taught one to plaj on a lit- tle musical instrument that he made out of horse- hair and a crooked pin, and it is laughable to see the little creature sit down on a thimble, with one leg crossed, and play on the fiddle while the other one dances around in the box, keeping perfect time. He has taught them to march around like soldiers, with sticks for guns, and they go through many military evolutions at the word of command. He has learned one of them to smoke a little pipe, and the creature evidently likes it. There is no end of the tricks Klinker has taught tliem to perform. I thought it would kill me to see them in their little jackets, swag- gering around with their hands in their pockets, and touching their hats to one another as na- tural as life. Sometimes he lets them go out in the garden for exercise, and the way they make their educated relations — the other potato bugs— stand around, is fun to behold. They al- ways return home at sunset, and seem to have no AN OCCUKRENCE AND A PERFOKilANCE. 279 desire to stay out late nights. It costs very little to keep tliem. Their ft)od consists of mashed potatoes, with a dash of cayenne; dandelion greens and beet tops. They are very fond of cold boiled pork, and not unfreqnently consume a pound at a sitting. They do their own liouse- work, and the little cage where they live is as neat as beeswax. When tliey are fully trained Klinker proposes to travel about the country with them in a side show attached to some circus. Tommy Jones offered a liberal price for the ani- mals, but Klinker says there is more money in them than the price named by Tonnny. It hard- ly seems possible that a potato bug had sufficient intelligence to learn anything except to gobble up potato vines, but Klinker has demonstrated that they can be taught to do anything. Klinker is entitled to the gratitude of the whole world, and if anybody will start a subscription in his behalf I will do ray share towards collecting it. Feverishly yours, R. S. Tkueman. iiSO THOMAS JONES. ESQ. LETTER XLV. THE SEMI-CENTENNIAL OF THOMAS JONES, ESQ., WITH ALL THE ACCOMPANYING FESTIVITIES PER- TAINING THEKETO. Pine Grove, Sept. 13. ':^^ OMMY JONES went up into the fifties „^^^ yesterday. To mark the event he erected ^ • 1 . ^ - ,^. a social monument more enduniis: than brass, or Erear stone. It was an incident that had never happened before. He had lived half a century ; he was fifty years old ; he could never have a more pat opportunity of celebrating the occurrence. Therefoie Tommy Jones invited the leading citizens of Pliie Grove to meet him in epicurean array at liiy hostelry and expense, and this feast was the typical monument to which I have already alluded. The invited guests assembled at an early hour last night in the bar-room, from whence, after a few moments spent in conversation, Tommy led the way to the THOMAS JOXES, ESQ. 281 dhuiiij-room. The table was luuidsomelv orna- inciited with bouquets of tissue-paper flowers, drenched Avith coloijciie to make tlieni odorous : uU tlie tablespoons in the house were arranged ill an orderly manner up and down the festive board ; the plates were turned upside down, with the knives and forks laid upon them in the shape of a Grecian cross, and the tumblers were adorned with little towels stuck in triangularly. The room was brilliantly illuminated by the light of a dozen kerosene lamps. From the ceil- ing depended green boughs, and other fixings calculated to lend enchantment to the scene. The walls were lined with appropriate mottoes, Buch as " Come and see me," " Never allow your- self to be taken in, unless it is Tommy Jones's inn," " This is the place we long have sought," '•' Welcome, say I ; we'll come, say the guests," Tommy, with an air of jollity, took the head of the table ; Parson AVilks, with an ?ir of se- dateness, took the other end ; John Wiley, with an air of solemnity, sat on one side of the castor; and myself, with no airs whatever, occu- pied the other side. Klinker, Captain Long^ Deacon Amoi'y and a dozen others filled the re- maining chairs. As the guests were gifted with 282 THOMAS JOXES, ESQ. urgent appetites, on account of having abstained from their usual rations for a number of clavs, dinner was at once served. The way they made things fly on the wings of hunger would have moved an angel. I was very much moved. I append the bill of fare, which was a pretty fair bill, considering: GASTRONOMICAL GUIDE BOARD. " Non multa, sed multum.''^ ELEMENTARY. Mud Turtle Soup. Clammy Soup. PROGRESSIVE. Codfish de sel. Stewed Halibut. Mackerel with Turk's Island Sauce. POSITIVE. Beef a la Bull Run. Mutton-chopped. Pork-Greasian Bend. Balled Codfish. COMPARATIVE. Potatoes (sub rosa — Early Rose). Deodorized Onions. Cabbage — ^Early, N. Y. Other things. SUPERLATIVE. Sweetened Cider. Crab apples. Bay rum. Dried Apple Pie. THOMAS JONES, ESQ. 283 Supper ended, the cloth was removed. (Of course vou know enough to know that the cloth was not removed, but only the dishes. This is the polite way of putting it. I have not travelled for nothing.) A pitcher of elderberry wine was then introduced and the glasses filled. Tommy Jones then made a brief address, thanking his fellow- citizens for their display of masterly activity during feeding time, and announced the first toast : First — "My friends — may they live to see me a thousand years old." Everybody jumped up and balanced their tumblers on their lips. Sec- ond — By Pai'son "Wilks, " The semi-centennial of T. Jones — many returns of the happy day." Liquid response. Third — By John Wiley, " Our dinner. Success to the compounder, Mi's. Jones. May her kitchen fire never say die. Her turnips can't be beat. Pass along the pitcher." Fourth — By Deacon Amory, " The entire Jones's crew. May their concentrated shadow never be longer. I'll take a little more, if you please." By this time the elderberry wine had begun to make mis- chief, and some of the party began to show signs of demoralization. Fifth — By J. Klinker, " The military — how I love 'era. No more for me." 284 THOMAS JOXES, ESQ. Captain Long responded : " I rise to (hie) 'splain. You'd scarce (liic) 'spect one of my age on such an (hie) 'straordinary (hie) 'casion to make more'ii limited remarks on such er (hie) 'straordinary 'casion." Here the galhint captain glared fierce- ly aronnd and sat down, fully convinced that he had made the best speech of the evening. Sixth — • By Mr. Dany, " We are a brass band of brothers — - let's die with our feet to the foe ; " and he slipped down under the table. As the rest of the company were not in a better condition, it was deemed best to adjourn. It was a woi'k of considerable diffi- culty to restore them all to the bosom of their families, inasmuch as everybody insisted on go- ing home with everybody- else, but Tommy and I succeeded in straio-hteninii; them all out at last. Pleasingly yours, R. S. Trueman. MY NOVEL. 285 LETTEE XLYI. MY novel; oKj varieties in pine grove life. Pine Grove, Oct. 1. ^^^ HAYE been requested by an utter stranger W^P to write a novel. If I had any friends, I have reason for believing that they would ask me not to do so. Being both poor and friend- le^ leaves me in excellent condition to follow out my own sweet will, according to the dictates of my fire-proof conscience. I never read a novel in my life excej)t, to wit : I. Gulliver's Travels, wherein the race was to the Swift. II. Robinson Crusoe, wherein the battle was to De Foe. I have arrived at tlic conchision that the afore- said were fabrications. So, if a novel be of that character, I accej^t the challenge. Fabrications are the joy of my facile lead-pencil. 28Q MY ISOVEL. My Novel, OR, VARIETIES IN PINE GKOVE LIFE. Stubbornly founded on the rock of facts. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCES TUE WITNESSES. The characters contained in this absorbino; tale are seven in number, as follows : I. Parson Wilks, Weighs 165 pounds, with a severe cast of countenance. Is 5 feet 8 inches in length. Thinks he is some on preaching, and he is — a little. II. Deacon Amory. Aged 65, and was born on one of Birthington's Washdays — I mean on one of Washington's Birthdays. He bosses the meeting-house and manipulates a small farm. Is a large owner (on the sly) of government securities, to the amount of a thousand dollar bond. III. Thomas Jones. Four decades and a half have passed over his head. Character good ; can read ; also, write. Mixes up things to drink for a living. He makes them good. More MY NOVEL. 287 honest in summer than in winter — on account of the longer days. IV. Prekisha Araory is the daugliter of the Deacon heretofore mentioned. Is old enough to vote, but they decline to let her. Is the Sheroine of the novel ; measures 32 inches around the waist, besides having dark colored eyes and matchless hair. V. William Way. The lie one of the story. Age 23, but without sufficient experience in the affairs of this life to prevent him from falling in love with Prelusha Amory. He couldn't help it, if he was poor. YI. Mrs. Mariann Amory. Is the suppt)sed mother of Prelusha ; generally recognized as such, and probably is so. Rather likes Will Way as a nice young man, and hankers after him for a son- in-law. Pulls the scale at 140 avoirdupois. VII. P. S. Trueman. That is me. Am fat, fair and forty. I introduce myself into the novel, ' to add to the general interest thereof. CHAPTER II. THE PLAINTIVE PLEADS. A number of fellows loved Prelusha. Among them was William Way. He loved her like all 288 MY NOVEL. possessed. Ton may Poe ! Poe ! at the idea, bat he loved her far more than any Bel Lee could ever hope to he loved. Prelusha also loved William. It is too fine a point to determine whether he loved her, or she him, the most, but altogether the entire amount of expended affection was some. One balmy day, Will Way sidled up to Deacon Amor}^ and intimated, that, with the consent of the Deacon, he would shorten Prelusha's back name two syllables and two letters. The deacon remarked, in a cursory sort of manner, that he would see everything blue first, before he would lend a willing ear to any such proposition. Will Way, dismayed, but not disheartened, arose for an explanation, and called for the objec- tions to the Bill. The deacon said that poverty was a blessing that he didn't care particularly about introducing into the family, but if the young man having a will, should find a wav of mustering into service the sum of one thousand dollars, within a reason- able time, he would withhold his parental veto. Will Way, seeing no other manner of extricat- ing himself, sadly consented, and bowed before IVIT NOVEL. 289 his fate, as he did before the Deacon, very sorrow- fully, and with a feeling of extreme goneness. CHAPTER III. THE ADVICE OF COUNSEL. "Will Way subsided at once to the tavern, to consult that eminent strategist, Thomas Jones, and that chunk of wisdom, myself. After relat- ing his hard-hearted anecdote to his two sympa- thetic friends, he said he threw himself into our hands as the handiest thing he knew how to do. Tommy Jones bent his thoughtful gaze upon a brilliant bottle, that gracefully reposed under tlie shade of a forest of tumblers on an n])per shelf, and meditated with profundity. I also bent ray gaze of thonghtfulness in the same general direc- tion. At last Tommy, smiling ingenuously, spoke u]) : " The Deacon has a $1,000 bond. You must steal it, or cause it to be stolen." This was certainly good advice, and I re- marked that it was precisely what I was about to advise. Everybody has a right to do good, that evil may come. We resolved ourselves into 13 290 irr novel. a committee of the whole, probed the matter to its greatest depth, dissected it carefully, and extracted the fact that to steal the bond was an act of unalloyed impossibility. iSTo one knew of its whereabouts, except Deacon Amory and his other half. But Will said that Mrs. Amory was a personal friend of his, and wouldn't hesitate at anything wherein Prelusha and himself were concerned. It would be for her interest as a matter of principle. CHAPTER IV. EST WHICH THE PLAINTIVE ACTS ACCORDINGLY. Accordingly "Will Way went over to Deacon Amory's, about the time the shades of night were falling fast, and managed to secure an interview with Mrs. Amory at the pumj). He told her his future joyfulness deiDcnded upon his having a $1,000 bond in a hurry; that he could not obtain it by labor and by saving in many years, and even if he learned to labor, he could not learn to wait; he knew where there was one MY NOVEL. 291 that Mrs. A. might conscientiously steal for him. and if she would only do so, she would cause two hearts witli but a single idea, and a couple of souls that beat as a unit, to be forever happy ; that the bond was the property of the Deacon, and that stealing from her husband was no crime in the eyes of all the attendant circumstances. Well, he talked about five pages in length, used all the figures of speech of which he was master, and finally came back to the original figui-es $1,000. At last the old lady, saying she would ne'er consent, consented to steal the bond, on the condition that it should be returned as soon as its little mission had been accomplished. It was therefore agreed that Will should leave the country for a few weeks, then return, exhibit the bond, marry Prelusha, and explain the whole affair to the Deacon in any way compatible with his self-respect. For fear of accidents (cunning old lady) she intimated that she would retain the bond in her own possession until the proper moment arrived. I know of some fellows that would have thrown up the whole concern at once on an intimation of that kind. But, as I heretofore remarked, William loved Prelusha, and Prelusha 292 MY NOVEL. loved William, and slie couldn't give him up, and he couldn't give her up. How could he — ■ could he ? CHAPTER V. THE MORTAL SUKPKISE OF TUE DEFENDANT. Will Way went off about ten miles into the country, first informing the Deacon that he would return with funds enough to buy his dauo-hter out and out, before an entire moon should wax and wane. The Deacon patted him on the shoulder in a gcntlemaidy sort of way, and encouraged him to go in. He went in about three weeks. Then he besan to believe that the time for artifice and dissimulation had expired, and the hour for an exhibition of true manliness had arrived. So he returned to his native place, and called upon the man whom he longed to clasp to his manly bosom as a father-in-law. He told the aforesaid that by means of an unbalanced bid, through the mediation of a fraudulent canal contract, he had succeeded in amassing eleven hundred dollars (to WT NOVEL. 203 wit $1,100), with which he had purchased a United States bond of the face value of one tliousand dollars. After the Deacon had huo^Gred hira for an hour or two, he manifested a natural desire to have his vision gladdened by a square look at the bond. He said he wanted to see the truth as well as hear it. "William promised to return with it in the afternoon, and hinted to Mrs. Amory that the insupportable and heavy hour was at hand. Mrs. Amory at once proceeded to steal the Deacon's bond from its hiding-place in the stocking bag, and transferred it to William, who presently exhibited it to the Deacon, who was quite overcome. He made Will promise to as- sign, transfer, and set over the bond to Prelusha on her wedding day, and strongly urged that the affair be hurried up at its maximum rate of speed. Now inasmuch as Prelusha and her ma were both comfortably posted as to what was going for- ward, and knew precisely how it all would termi- nate, and, moreover, had been working by sun- light and by candlelight, for many days, on the clothing of Prelusha, there was little else left to 294 MY NOVEL. do but to send for the minister. Accordingly Will Way suggested the day after to-morrow as an appropriate time for such an auspicious oc- casion, and the Deacon consented, and Mrs. Amory agreed, and Prelusha didn't object. CHAPTER VI. NOT GUILTY — BUT IT MUST NOT BE KEPEATED. The day after to-morrow came about within the usual space of time, and the wedding guests assembled to see fair play, and to eat what was set before them, if so it might be. There were her folks and his folks, her folks' relatives and the relations of his folks ; all the neighbors, both male and female, including T. Jones and Parson Wilks. Besides all these people, I, also, was present. Prelusha and William stepped to the front, and amid the applause of the assembly Parson Wilks tied them together with unexampled brev- ity. He was less than half an hour about it, which was shortening up the time considerably MY NOVEL. 295 for him, for he generally takes advantage of snch occasions to deliver a long address, or read an interminable sermon. As soon as the customary kissing had been concluded, the Deacon winked at his new son-in law, who proceeded with somewhat unnecessary display to drag forth his bond and present it to Prelusha, who blushingly grabbed it. The Deacon's eyes sparkled. " Wait a moment," said he ; " perhaps I can do as well by you, my daughter, as your husband has done : " and with that, he skipped as play- fully from the room as any lively old gentleman of sixty-five could possibly be expected to do. About three minutes thereafter the lively old gentleman dashed into the room with fire in his eye, horror in his face, and a stocking bag in his hand, and began a series of capers hardly com- patible with true dignity. The time seemed to have arrived for a general and thorough explanation. So Mrs. Amory told the whole story, confessing her sin ; Tommy Jones and myself acknowledged ourselves the designers of the justifiable fraud ; and the bride and groom intimated that they were not entirely innocent of the transgression. 296 MY NOVEL. So the Deacon, unable to alter the state of affairs, gracefully yielded to the situation, kissed his son-in-law, shook hands with his daughter, and invited the entire company to follow him in- to the dining-room, which they did. As this is the place where novels generally finish, I take the opportunity of desisting. K. S. Tkueman. THE END. 1875 NEW BOOKS AND NEW EDITIONS, RECENTLY ISSUED BV G. W. Carleton & Co., Publislisrs, Madison Square, New York. o rhe Publishers, upon receipt of the price in ailvunce, will send any book on this Catalogue by vazA, postuj^e free, to any part of the United States. o \11 books in this list [unless otherwise specified] are handsomely bound in cloth board binding, with gilt backs, suitable for libraries. Mary Tempest and S-_nshine $i 50 English Orphans i 50 Homestead on the Hillside i 50 'Lena Rivers 1 50 Meadow Brook i 50 Dora Deane i 50 Cousin Maude 150 Marian Gray i 50 HolmGs' Works. 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With an illustration ft 75 Ernest Kenan's French Works. The Lifeof Jisus $1 75 | Life of Saint Paul 81 75 Lives of the Apostles i 75 | Bible in India.— i;y JacoUiot . a 00 Ceo. W. Carloton. Our Artist in Cuba.— Pictures §1 50 I Our Artist in Africa. (I-i press ). ?i 50 Our Artist in Peru — Do t 50 | Our Artist in Mexico. Do. . 150 Fanny Fern's Works. Folly as it Flies §1 50 I Caper-Sauce (new) Si 50 Gingersnaps i 50 | A Memorial.— I'.y James Parton 200 Josh Billings' Comic Works. Josh Billings' Proverbs $1 50 I Josh Billings' Farmer's Alminax, 2SCte• josh Billings on Ice I 50 I (.In paper covers.) Verdant Green. A racy English college story — with numerous comic illustrations %\ 50 Algernon Charles Swinburne. Laus Veneris, and Other Poems. — An elegant new edition §1 50 French Love-Songs. — Selected from the best French authors i 50 Robert Dale Cwcn. The Debatable Land Between this World and the Next ?2 00 Threading My Way. — Twenty-five years of Autobiography 1 50 The Came of Whist. 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Roosevelt ' i 50 Ecce Femina ; or, The Woman Zoe.— Cuyler Pine, author "Mary Brandegee " Women and Theatres.— A bright and readable book by Olive Logan Souvenirs of Travel.— By Madame Octavia Walton Le Vert ." . -A spicy little work by Fred Saunders i 50 50 00 50 Woman, Love and Marriage Shiftless Folks.— A brilliant new novel by Fannie Smith ....]!!!y. ^ i 75 A Woman in Armor.— A jiowerful new novel by Mary Hartwell ".!!!.'!!!"!! i Female Beauty and the Art of Pleasing.— From the Fiench '.'.'.'.'.....'.' i 50 50 Transformation Scenes in the United btates.— By Hiram Fuller. i 50 The Fall of Man.— A Darwinian satire. By author "Nevv Gospel Peace."! !!!! '.i 50 50 25 The Chronicles of Gotham.— A modern satire. Do. Do. The Story of a Summer.— Journal Leaves by Cecelia Cleveland i co Phemie Frost's Experiences.- ]5y Mrs. Ann S. Stephens ..." i 75 fySiscella A Charming \Vidow. — Macquoid..? True to Him Ever.— By F. W. R. . The Forgiving Kiss.— By M. Loth. Loyal Unto Death Bessie Wilmerton. — Westcott Cachet.— Mrs, M. J. R. Hamilton... Mark Gildersleeve.— J. S. Sauzade. Crown Jewels.— .Mrs. "Moffat Avery Glibun.- Orpheus C. Kerr... The Cloven Foot.— Do Romance of Railroad. — .Smith Fairfax.— John Estcn Cooke Hilt to Hilt— Do Out of the Foam. — Hammer and Rapier. — Kenneth, My King.— S. A. I'.rock. . Heart Hungry.-M. J. Westmoreland Clifford Troupe.— Do. neous Piovels. Four Oaks.— Kamba Thorpe Maurice.— From the PVench Purple and Fine Linen. — Fawcett. Faustina. — From the German Adrift with a Ve-^geance Adrift in Dixie.— Edmund Kirke.. Ainong the Guerillas.— Do. Among the Pines.— Do. My Southern Friendb. — Do. Down in Tennessee. — Do. Ebon and Gold.— C. L. Mcllvain.. Robert Greathouse.— J. F. Swift. V/arwick.— By M. T. Walworth.. Lulu. — Hotspur. — Stormcliff. — Delaplaine.- Beverly.— Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. •Si 75 . I 50 75 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 50 00 75 75 75 ' /J I 75 I 75 Miscellaneous Works, Beldazzle's Bachelor Studies $1 Little Wanderers.— llkistrated i Genesis Disclosed. — 'J. A. Davies.. i Commodore Rollingpin's Log.... i Brazen Gates. — Ajii\eiule i Antidote to Gates Ajar 25 cts. The Snoblace Ball Do, 25 cts. 00 50 50 50 50 Northern Ballads.— Anderson, %\ 00 O. C. Kerr Papers.— 4 vols, in 1 2 00 Victor Hugo.— His life ..200 Beauty is Power i 50 Sandwiches.— Artemus Ward 25 cts. j Widow Spriggins. — Widow Hedott i 75 Squibob Papers.— John Phoenix.... i 50 fi S« Miscellaneous Works. Bill Arp's Peace Papers.— Full of comic illustrations A Book of Epitaphs. — Amusing, quaint, and curious (New.) "i 50 Ballad of Lord Bateman.— With illustrations by Cruikshank (paper) 15 cts. The Yachtman's P.-im'-r.-For amateur sailors. T. R. Warren (paper) sects Rural Architecture— liy M. Field. With plans and illustrations 2 00 What I Know of Farming.— By Horace Greeley ,50, Twelve Views of Heaven.— l!v Twelve Distinguished English Divines... ....'. 1 50 Houses Not Made With Hands.— A juvenile, illustrated by Hoppin x 00 Impendmg Crisis of the South.— By Hinton Rowan Helper. . s oo UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 'mTT^^ Form L9-32m-8,'57(.C8680s4)444 f UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000419412 FN 6161 K6lk li-i