EPIGRAMS OF EVE Uniform with this Volume Price 3. 6dL net The OPINION SHOP BY HlLDRIC Illustrated by PENRHYN STANLAWS London : GAY & HANCOCK, LTD. LOVE is THE LOAF OF LIFE AND EACH OF us NEEDS A SLICE. EPIGRAMS OF EVE WITH SUNDRY DECORATIONS BY RUBY LIND LONDON GAY AND HANCOCK, LIMITED All Rights Renrvd DEDICATION To Humanity do I dedicate this book. For, from Humanity I took it. If I have not taken it rightly or justly, pray, gentle human, it is for you to take it, As You Like It or As You Find It. It is for you to remember that which may seem Wise and forget that which may seem Otherwise. If you are a good player on the checker-board of life you will readily recognise Some People, What Is a Friend, A Fool, and perchance you may thereby win Love, Marriage, Money the Humanisms of existence. And if you are of the same opinion Before and After reading these pages, you have but lost your time ; and the best player in the whole game of life is he who knows how to be a good loser. THE AUTHOR, A Daughter of Eve. [ 5 ] 2137468 CONTENTS PAGE WHAT is PARIS? . . 9 WHAT is LONDON? . . . n WHAT is NEW YORK? . . . 14 WHAT is LOVE? . . ... 17 WHAT is A FRIEND? . . 19 WHAT is A FOOL? . . . 20 IN WREATHS OF SMOKE . . . 22 MARRIAGE . . . . . 24 LOVE . . . ... 30 WOMAN . . . . 38 MAN . . . ... 43 CONCERNING CUPID . . . . 46 SOME PEOPLE . . . . . 48 MONEY . . . . 53 "As You LIKE IT" . . . 57 [ 7 ] Contents PAGE As You FIND IT . . . 61 WISE AND OTHERWISE . . . 68 BEFORE AND AFTER . . . 73 HUMANISMS . . . . 75 DIVORCE . . ... 79 TAXI TIPS 80 EPIGRAMS OF EVE WHAT IS PARIS? Where sex is the keynote of existence. Where many young women "toil not, neither do they spin, yet Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these." Where women ponder not what they shall wear, but how much. Where the American pays the fiddler, while Paris dances. Where titled people meet in studios, tell what great men their grandfathers were, and then whisper, " Lend me five francs." [ 9 ] Epigrams of Eve Where wit is only recognised when it has a risqu'e turn. Where life is one mad maelstrom with an undercurrent of mirth. Where wives support their husbands in various ways. Where suffrage is replaced by cooking schools. Where the marriage tie means freedom. Where all the world's a stage with sou- brettes in the majority. Where wine, women, and song are the three ruling muses. Where nobody throws stones, for all live in glass houses. [ 10 ] Epigrams of Eve Where a part of the servant girl's wages is her wine money. Where marriage is merely a matter of law and where love is merely a matter of form. Where a man and woman may suddenly announce " We are one," and Society answers " Entrez, s'il vous plait." Where vanity was born and never left home. Where the music-halls bear the unwritten invitation, " Take your choice." Where nothing is impossible but virtue. WHAT IS LONDON? London is seasoned with the salt of Rome, the pepper of Paris, a dash of New York, and yet has a flavour all its own. f/ Epigrams of Eve Where they hand Acts of Parliament to the people like giving a child its medicine, saying, " Take it, dearie, it is good for you." Where they say, " Truth is stranger than the American Press." Where the old things are the most fashion- able. Where the parks close at 7.30, the restau- rants at midnight, but there are other places. Where Who's Who matters much more than What's What. Where old palaces are propped up with new dollars at the expense of Cupid. Where " By appointment to His Majesty the King " may mean a jewelled crown or a cake of soap. Where women smoke and men wear bracelets. C i* ] WHERE OLD PALACES ARE PROPPED UP WITH NEW DOLLARS AT THE EXPENSE OF CUPID Epigrams of Eve Where the homeliest women sell the most beautiful flowers. Where they think the cheapest thing in America is money. Where the Pit sees a joke before the Stalls. Where woman is never refused equal rights with man in one place the saloon. Where barmaids have not yet outgrown their usefulness. Where an M.P. makes a law for the people and spends the balance of his term explain- ing it. Where some women break windows, while others break hearts. Where everything new is looked upon with suspicion. [ 13 ] Epigrams of Eve WHAT IS NEW YORK ? It is : Where the atmosphere breathes sex every minute and a babe is born every hour. Where they sell potatoes by the pound and drink by the barrel. Where the stars come nightly to the sky but are overshadowed by the stars of the Great White Way. Where every man meets every woman and wonders, " How f ar ? " Where everybody thinketh in his heart, V What's your game ? " Where youth barters beauty for old age at the behest of Mammon. [ 14 ] Epigrams of Eve Where young girls learn the wily ways of womanhood before they have begun to use hairpins. Where married men have " lady chums " and married women are " good fellows." Where the millionaire has his bachelor quarters and his wife her house uptown and the servants are paid for their quiet quali- ties. Where the man of the hour hasn't a minute to spare. Where they are money mad and love foolish. Where a man may slide through every commandment but the eleventh. Where a taxicab is a private room on wheels. Epigrams of Eve Love is on the right end of the horseshoe ' and draws the magnetism of joy. Love makes the arms of little children stretch out to you. Love is the only lubricant that makes the marriage wheel go without screeching. Love extended at the right time stops the tear and the closed fist. Love is the straight road to happiness and there are no transfers issued from the main line. When love enters the hovel of the pauper it transforms it into the palace of the peer. And if you are weak, wan, weary, and things all seem huddled in a corner when love enters, there is a guarantee giving a new lease of life with a clear receipt at the end. Love is a habit get it ! L '* ] Epigrams of Eve WHAT IS A FRIEND? . A friend is one who stands up for you in public and sits down on you in private. He it is who helps you take your bitter pill by sugar-coating it for you. A friend is one who withholds judgment no matter how long you have his unanswered letter. He refuses to sign your note because he wants to remain your friend. A friend is one who gives you the bouquet before you die. He is your enemy when you need one. A friend is one who handles you with Epigrams of Eve boxing gloves when you are strong, and with silk mittens when you are weak. He it is who waits until the morning after to disagree with you. A friend is one who, when he sees you " in the soup," shows you how to swim out. And when you are in the down-and-out club a friend is one who will give you the first aviation push ! WHAT IS A FOOL? A fool is the fellow who introduces his ^best girl to his best friend. A fool and his money are easily parted, but at the time of parting he is termed a " good fellow." TO MOST GIRLS A MOON WITHOUT A MAN IS LIKE A MINE OF MONEY ON A DESERT ISLAND Epigrams of Eve A fool is one who puts all his trust in the one woman, and finds she isn't the one. A fool is one who, having fought for a friend, is told by him to mind his own business. A fool is the host who is forgotten the next morning. A fool rushes in where angels fear to tread, but if he gets wings to fly out he is termed a " wise old owl/' A fool there was, is, and always will be world without end. Amen. A fool is a peacemaker, and, somehow, a peacemaker is never forgiven. A fool is he who not only fills a want but wants to fill it. Epigrams of Eve IN WREATHS OF SMOKE A little smoke now and then is relished by the best of men. Man wants but little here below, but wants that little smoke. " Laugh and the world laughs with you," but you can smoke alone. The best of friends must part, but you can light another cigar. You never miss a cigar until the box is empty. Song of the cigarette : Smoke me little, smoke me long. Love is blind, but a good cigar gives second sight. Epigrams of Eve A smoke hath charms to soothe the aching breast. Don't let your pipe go out, it may light the way to a good cigar. All day and no smoke makes Jack a dull boy. Uneasy lies the head that craves a smoke. Men may come and men may go, but smoking goes on for ever. A smoke in hand is worth two in the shops. 'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, The place that has no smoke is no place for home. Epigrams of Eve A little house well built, a little wife well willed, a little cigar case well filled are great riches. A mother's a mother in all times of strife, A father's a father until he gets a new wife, A wife's a wife until things become rife, But a smoke's a smoke every day of your life. A man's house is his castle, but what's a castle without a smoke ? A good cigar, at times, is rather to be chosen than great riches and a friend to smoke with rather than silver and gold. MARRIAGE Fine feathers make fine birds, but fine birds are ever on the wing and careless about the home nest. Epigrams of Eve Before marriage, it is two turtle doves ; after, it is a turtle and a dove. Marriage is a matter of curiosity. Matrimony Cupid's fire protection. Ali- mony His life insurance. Affinities, like chickens, come home to roost and usually quit crowing about soul- mates. People want the moonlight of glamour for love, but prefer the sunlight of truth for marriage. Marriage is often chief mourner at Love's funeral. Before marriage there is the life-preserver of love to cling to, but afterward it is a case of sink or swim. Epigrams of Eve The dictionary says that home is an habitual abode, but some men lose the habit. Strange how a man enjoys pulling the love /knot tight, yet uses every energy to balk at ' the matrimonial yoke. Adonis, come to earth, could not rival the homely man with an automobile. X There's many a tear in the heart that never reaches the eye. Sweethearts once, but married now ! A scolding often acts like the wrong end of / the magnet so far as the drawing power is concerned. He who hesitates is bossed. A man now might win a chilly girl with some gumdrops. [ 26 ] Epigrams of Eve Treat your real husband as you did when he was a prospective one, and you will solve the " failure " question. In double harness, when nerves come in at the door happiness flies out of the window. There's as good fish in the matrimonial sea as ever was caught. In the quest for the golden girl she is not always the one that glitters. If you want to know the truth about the misunderstood husband, ask the under- standing wife. A loose rein inviteth co-operation in the drive of matrimony. Hope cries to the old maid, " Cheer up ! The first is yet to come." I 27 ] Epigrams of Eve Some women are like bankrupts, ready to go into the hands of a receiver. The man who wants to throw himself into his wife's grave at her funeral usually is just the one to throw himself away at another woman soon after. He gets the habit. You may lead a man toward the altar, but you can't make him link. When a man marries he has added another ledgejr to his life's library that needs daily balancing. First marriage is a matter of sentiment ; second marriage a lack of sentiment. The woman who buys her husband a table- cloth for a Christmas gift believes in the theory of " taxation without representa- tion." [ 28 ] Epigrams of Eve Young man, never ask a girl to live with your mother. Let her go first. Some men get used to marriage as to tobacco, only they want the brand changed. Most women who are attracted to a man before marriage find they are distracted after marriage. When people quarrel, one word brings on another until they acquire a vocabulary that they are ashamed of. Tis a wise wife that keepeth her own counsel. Once married, always suspected. Showers are given for the bride-to-be ; the storms come afterward. The women who marry some men answer a want ad. which no newspaper would have [ 29 ] Epigrams of Eve space enough to print, or man enough money to pay the wages thereof. Sister, if you must nag, get a Billiken ; he is so deaf, and will smile, smile, smile. When experience comes in at the door, illusion flies out of the window. LOVE The love line terminates at heaven or hell ; rfclepends upon how far you go. The course of true love never did run smooth, but to the epicure, love is a matter of smooth courses. In the realm of love the old fool eventually comes to realise that he is on the wrong end of the magnet. [ 30 ] Epigrams of Eve It is rare atmosphere where the summer love weathers through the winter. In the realm of love a man hard hit is proud of it. A man's heart is like unto a delicate weed that gives forth fragrance only when it has been boldly tramped upon. As soon as a girl tells a man that he is everything in the world to her, etc. etc., she may as well say " good-bye " to him unless the knot is tied. It is not good to have him too sure of her. When a girl tells a man how charming another girl is, her love for him is on the wane. A woman enjoys keeping her love a secret, but with hate it is a different matter. Epigrams of Eve The only times a woman passes a remnant counter is when she goes shopping for hearts. Love is the germ that produces near- sightedness. Many an hour has been brightened by a dim light. The wages of love is indifference. To keep the fire alive one must not be too sure of an everlasting spark. The joy of beauty is in the possession of it, not being possessed by it. One may lose the habit of loving just the same as any other habit. There is nothing so dead as a dead love. As a man winks, so is he. [ 3* ] A LITTLE LOVE NOW AND THEN IS RELISHED BY THE BEST OF WOMEN Epigrams of Eve The tragedies of love are written about the people who love love more than the object of love. Love arranges the money wheel to stop at the niche of satisfaction. When personalities creep in, love crawls out. One man's loss is another man's game. Too many " flames " spoil the broth of love. *$ The love that eludes is the one usually sought after. Hope deferred maketh the girl thin. A little love now and then is relished by the best of women. ~^~ [ 33 ] Epigrams of Eve Love is the loaf of life, but some cannot even get a slice. The road of reform is reached by the way of love. Love is a burning of the heart that yields to the damper of matrimony. Possession may be nine points of the law, but loses out to one point of love. The woman who marries a man to reform him not only loses his love but him also. IT A The game of love is like fishing ; the joy is in the nibble of tt possession of the fish. . v J r is in the nibble of the bait rather than the A cure for heart-burn : A mouthful of hair, an armful of girl, and a moon. Affinity only earns its name after the test of apprenticeship in the Realm of Realism. [ 34 ] Epigrams of Eve Love is the only game where hearts are always trumps. Some men in hunting for dear often get swamped. A girl, no matter how much in love she is, would rather share a man's theatre tickets than his troubles. Love is the sauce that makes life palatable. In the matter of bonds, forged shackles of law lose out to spider threads of love. Some die of love others for want of it. Love is the triumph of a woman's wiles and a man's conceit. Love is the loaf of life, but a slice doesn't satisfy. [ 35 ] Epigrams of Eve When love appears, prudence takes to her heels. The rumpled blouse and the distorted neck- tie are the tell-tale traces of the mooners. /Platonic friendship : The interval be- tween the introduction and the first kiss. A man must make hay while the sun shines if he would win love in the moon- shine. Xlf a girl says " I will never forgive you " after a man kisses her, she means, of course, if he should never try again. When the kimona comes in at the door, love flies out the window. The woman who for ever advises another how to keep a sweetheart never has one her- self. [ 36 ] Epigrams of Eve A woman is mistress of her love, but masterful of her hate. To woman, love is the breath of life ; to man, 'tis a passing zephyr. An engagement in hand is worth two in the imagination. H /vrt j In time of love prepare for war. One good love deserves another is the theory of the " popular " fellow. > Love is a man's pastime ; a woman's servitude. The man who takes to flirtation often takes to his heels. The best excuse a man has for kissing a girl is being engaged to her but there are others. [ 37 ] Epigrams of Eve The touch-me-not flower is usually left to weep unseen and waste her tears on the desert air. A young man's fancy which too lightly turns in Spring, will later his winter gar- ments of repentance fling. WOMAN Every vacation roost has its cackling hens. Some women want you to believe they are helping the poor ; in reality they want their names in the paper. A brainless beauty is but a toy for ever. The woman who is beloved by women only, is not remarkable for beauty. [ 38 ] Epigrams of Eve When a woman casts her eyes down she has a man in view. Even a woman minding her own business need not overlook a little of her husband's business. Men may come and men may go, but the nagging woman goes on for ever. Many women think they have poise when in reality it is avoirdupois. When women vote they will embrace every opportunity. Most women, when they can't get the man they care for, care for the man they can get. When a woman says she will think it over /it is "all off." Some women are like champagne. The sparkling bubbles are on the surface, the [ 39 ] Epigrams of Eve dregs are on the bottom, and show them- selves only when the bubbles have quite disappeared. Some women are born with beauty, some achieve beauty, but none ever have beauty thrust upon them. Some women think they are philanthropists when in reality they are brass band per- formers. To a lady card-fiend, a good game is rather to be chosen than great riches. The secret of a woman's power is not in her faculty for reasoning, but in her instinct. To most girls a moon without a man is like a mine of money on a desert island. Women delight in remnants of anything but a man. [ 40 ] MANY YOUNG WOMEN "TOIL NOT, NEITHER DO THEY SPIN, YET SOLOMON IN ALL HIS GLORY WAS NOT ARRAYED AS ONE OF THESE " Epigrams of Eve A happy married woman and a happily married woman are entirely two different propositions. Some girls won't even believe the mirror. A woman may redeem herself in every- thing but hurting a man's vanity. A grave is a chatterbox compared to a woman who sulks. A clever creature is she who manages the man who thinks he is the manager. Some girls would rather go to a show than s eat, but the majority are hungry before and after. When a woman says " yes " she means a dictionary of words, but when she says " no " an exclamation point would express it. Epigrams of Eve When a woman ceases to be strait-laced she loses caste with her sex, but a man just begins to be popular. Many a woman has untied a knot by judicious twisting. / A woman has two prerogatives changing her mind and changing the subject. V If a woman is a rag, a bone and a hank of hair, at least there are many willing rag- pickers. ^ What a blessing that mirrors are silent. Only a wallflower blushes unseen. Odd, but a woman who has drunk the dregs seeks to break the same cup for her daughter. The woman who is not criticised would never win a prize at a beauty show. [ 42 ] Epigrams of Eve Some women weep because they are widows and others because they are not. The woman who seeks to be beautiful had better change her mind rather than her face. MAN The man who crawls in his shell never has any room to laugh. A perfect man is never interesting. The horribly dignified man never did have a good time. Men are known not only to " hitch their waggons to a Star," but their automobiles, houses, money too. A real " good fellow " is one who never misses an opportunity to be one. [ 43 ] Epigrams of Eve A gentleman is one that does not have to prove it. When a fellow thinks he is " on " to the town, the town is usually " on " to him. Bachelor As you sew, so also shall you rip. A man would fight if called a " puppy," but is nattered at being termed a " gay dog." Most men who think they are educated crackers are only gingersnaps. When a man tells you he understands women, clear your throat and close one eye. Many a man has greatness thrust upon him, but he does not know how to catch it. The man and the mollycoddle are like unto the live tree and the telegraph pole respectively. The first sends out his mes- "[ 44 ] Epigrams of Eve sages and the second only carries those of others. In competing for the crown of minuteness the molecule must yield the palm to the mollycoddle. When a man does something that he is sorry for he falls back on the old Adam's apple excuse. When a man tells you how much he is respected in a town, think it over. Blessed is the man who has a job, for he shall inherit a pay envelope. Strong men are not afraid of boxing gloves, but let a girl give them the mitten and they go to pieces. Some men think they are rather indepen- dent when in reality they are rude. [ 45 ] Epigrams of Eve As a man primpeth, so is he. Some men think they are original, but in reality they are aboriginal. CONCERNING CUPID A pretty girl's fortune-teller is her mirror. L Courting nowadays may be summed up f in a question mark, a dollar mark and a L period. He who flirts and runs away lives to flirt another way. . A girl with two escorts is like a ship well manned. Cupid is the only cub reporter in the game of love that never gets scooped. [ 46 ] Epigrams of Eve You can't hold a mortgage on Cupid unless you pay heart interest. When a man is in love he is like unto the eyeless Cupid, and sees not. All religions must yield the palm when Cupid ascends the pulpit. All's swell that ends well. Where there is smoke there is a smothered flame. Ask some want-to-be-affinity. Lucky for many that the Lady Moon is the only eternal feminine that can keep secrets. The most painful realisation to woman is V^ when man can no longer be jealous of her. Cupid composes ; woman supposes ; man proposes ; marriage disposes ; affinity inter- poses, and divorce closes. [ 47 ] Epigrams of Eve SOME PEOPLE Some people think they are on the defen- sive when it is offensive. Some people are as narrow as the streets in which they live. Some people think they are guests, but others find them jests. Some people are hypochondriacs as to their value in the world, which in reality is below par. Some men look and act like an interroga- tion point. Some fellows for ever harp about how the world is treating them. Turn the pro- position around, brother. ~[ 48 ] THE BEST EXCUSE A MAN HAS FOR KISSING A GIRL IS BEING ENGAGED TO HER BUT THERE ARE OTHERS Epigrams of Eve A man who is always looking for a job is usually the man who is never on the job. When superstition comes in at the door, reason flies out of the window. The mother-in-law in the case is often the friend in need. ^ Most people who prate about having the courage of conviction in reality have but the courage of convention. Some people are human furniture whose presence we know only by the disagreeable creaks. Some women have not the heart to run a man down, but they have the appetite to eat his dinner. Some near-sighted people are very far- seeing. D [ 49 ] Epigrams of Eve Some people are jewels in the wrong setting. If everybody, like notes, were taken at face value, what a number of " protests " there would be. If you must run the race, be your own stop watch. Some people complain of trouble as though it were a step-child, yet nurse it carefully as their very own. Many people take things for granted, even calamities. Some people think heaven is situated somewhere above earth. Others locate it down in the wine-cellar. Those who are for ever fighting the world's conventions, decrees and doctrines, in their actions never can be happy. C so ] Epigrams of Eve Some people are mere bubbles ; only they remain in the air too long. ^ Most people look at trouble through a microscope. Most people think they sound a real note when in reality it is but an echo of another's. Enough of anything is plenty, but plenty to some people is never enough. Some folks look on the stage of life through the wrong end of the opera-glasses. Some people we remember, and some we recall. Some people make a mountain out of a molehill, and one whose summit they cannot prove even to the scientists. [ Si ] Epigrams of Eve The line of least resistance is to most people the lifeline. Just because a girl wears a long veil is no reason to believe that she has just stepped out of an automobile. Some men look upon a cigar as more im- portant than a life-preserver. ^ People who continually talk about their family tree forget to tell about the fallen leaves. A friend hi need is always on hand. Some people think they are in full-dress when in reality they are in fool-dress. Epigrams of Eve MONEY * The rich lady-killer marches in like a lion and goes out like a shorn lamb. Men, like trout, are easily caught with a \/ gaudy feather. That's why there's money * in millinery. Even a " good fellow " objects to coming in like a lion and going out like a shorn lamb. Faint chance never won fair results. It is inconvenient to be poor, but it is also poor to be inconvenient. The modern dictionary will spell fiancee fmancee. [ S3 ] Epigrams of Eve These days, Mary doesn't lose her little lamb until he is well shorn. , The easiest way for a woman to get over loving a man is to lend him money. Money may be filthy lucre, but a little dirt now and then is relished by the best of men. The scratch that hurts most is the scratch for a living. A woman can make a shilling go so far that she has only sixpence worth. And now we know why money talks. It is closely related to women. The modern Delilah still does the shearing act, and even the wideawake Samsons verily are they shorn. [ 54 ] Epigrams of Eve The speculator who casts his coin upon the watered stock looking for returns, generally returns still looking. A successful man is without sin in the eyes of woman. / Riches may not bring happiness, but neither does poverty. Money is the string that pulls the world. \ The fellow on the toboggan of joy does not realise it until he strikes bottom. There may be some things that money won't buy, but one can't think of them at a moment's notice. Many a man is lonesome because he is penny wise and girl foolish. [ 55 ] Epigrams of Eve " Drink, pretty creature, drink," said Wordsworth, but the modern Wordsworth counts the cost first. Two is company and three is a crowd, except when the crowd is called money. Be suspicious of the man who carries his money in a little tight pocket-book. Tis never too late to spend. Money makes the mare go, but it depends upon the driver how far. [ 56 1 Epigrams of Eve "AS YOU LIKE IT' Language is the medium by which some folks talk about things they do not know. If silence is golden, silver is a stolen whisper in the dark. A discord on the piano can pass off if played by one hand, but with both the rhythm is completely lost. So it is with quarrels. Like a moving street car the spirit of Spring has always room for one more. When a man tries to kill time, time often turns the tables. Jealousy is largely a matter of self-conceit. [ 57 ] Epigrams of Eve All preaching and no practice makes Jack a dull prude. There are a few things in print that no- body would subscribe to but everybody buys. You can't pay bills with artistic tempera- ment. /When in doubt don't let anybody know it. A club is a place where a man receives his private mail. A party line is a telephone arrangement whereby an anti-suffragette is never lone- some. If the sins of the father are visited on the children, there must have been some gay old dads some years ago. [ 58 ] Epigrams of Eve Gumption, grit and greenbacks are the three " G's " that germinate. A muff is a receptacle for a girl's lunch and sometimes for " holding hands/' Candies, flowers, theatre tickets and sweet nothings make up the potpourri of wooing nowadays. A lemon is something you run away from and get, while a plum you run after and don't get. Create the chime of cheer rather than the dirge of discord. To the prude holidays are holy days. If actions speak louder than words, then some men's actions are veritable cannons in disguise. [ 59 ] Epigrams of Eve There may be many defenders of woman's rights, but who ever heard of man's wrongs ? A cocktail is the red ink that covers the deficit. You cannot, however, always escape a situation by running away from it. Golf is a game in which the ball lies every way and the player always. ^If men were truthful, women would be miserable. Talk is cheap, but cheap talk is tele- phonitis. Epigrams of Eve AS YOU FIND IT The modern Circe is the girl in the bathing suit. The Ulysses are on the spot. Silence verily gives consent to some things. Imagine, " May I hold your hand ? " " Thank you." The rich old suitor plays his cards thus : At courtship diamonds are trumps, at pro- posal hearts are trumps, after the ceremony clubs ; and later a " frieze out " with a flush of spades. In a studio a man model is not always a model man. The ingredients in the social frappe consist of the foam of insincerity, the ice of [ 61 ] Epigrams of Eve inconstancy, the sweetness of liberty, and the rosy glow of illusion. The man who says nothing and saws wood soon gets a woodpile that takes a long time to burn up. On the other hand, sometimes he never sees the fire. 2 We are what we are, not what we think we are. A real bridge at hand is easier to cross than ten bridges of sighs. To the strong, trifling troubles are stepping stones to joyous ends ; to the weak they are rocks of despair. Lonesomeness is largely a matter of self- pity. -*What may prove to be attraction to one is often distraction to another. [ 62 ] Epigrams of Eve The world is a mirror that reflects what we give but we want it to magnify. The mortgage of real living is only fore- closed when you make your interest usurious. Telephonitis is the thief of time. The educated conscience is the newest microbe of evolution. Most people only get a point by sharpening a pencil. Distance lends enchantment, but nearness gets the man. After forty, a man loses that keen anxiety at a prospective meeting with his lady love. The early bird catches the worm, but the night-owl catches the devil. [ 63 ] Epigrams of Eve Chair warmers never hear any good of themselves. The eyes are the windows of the soul but sometimes the glass is smoked. s> Where there's a will there's the devil to pay. He who runs may read, but he who rides must read. j. A man who passes a magazine to a girl in 'a tram does so because he is lonely. Sometimes matters of course are matters of curse. The peacemaker always wins the girl him- self. " Why don't you speak for yourself, John ? " / A pessimist is a stranger who has been " taken in " by his big brother, optimist. Epigrams of Eve Men who are on the fence as to whether it is friendship or love are either " thrown down " or " take a tumble " themselves. There is no place like home; and some- times it is a good thing there isn't. Funny, isn't it ? how much louder the misereres are sung than the hallelujahs. - Courtship is preparation, marriage is desperation, and divorce is rejuvenation. When a man marries Miss Fortune he truly loves his mother-in-law, the elder Fortune. Travelling on the rim after forty is the result of not having looked to the tires before forty. When you plan a meeting for a couple you are certain will be lovers they usually hate each other. ~^~ 6 Epigrams of Eve The man in the automobile does not always get the spark of joy. A lady is one who never stoops to con- 'quer. To a coquette all's well that spends well. A club is a place where a man never is when he is called on the 'phone. Talebearers, like Mary's lamb, when they come home leave their wail behind them. Remembrance is the heritage of woman, forgetfulness the gift of man. Talebearers need a plumber for a leakage in their think-tanks. [ 66 ] ONE MANS LOSS IS ANOTHER MANS GAME Epigrams of Eve An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but a prude has all prevention and no cure. Self-preservation is the first law of nature, but to the up-to-date woman preservation of self is the thing. ^ A long hair on a man's coat is much more difficult to explain than three dinner engage- ments. Lamps are known by their radiance, not by the racket they make. Twice-told tales are better than tell-tale letters. Epigrams of Eve WISE AND OTHERWISE Self-consciousness is largely egotism. / Girls swear undying devotion to each other, but how many will tell a man how attractive another girl is ? The penalty of greatness is to write auto- graphs. xA woman who cannot influence a man for good had better give him up. For goodness' sake, sister, get something new. It is really most prehistoric to say, " I have just washed my hair and can't do a thing with it." Science is common sense with a formula attachment. [ 68 ] Epigrams of Eve Repentance holds sway only when tempta- tion again enters the field. xAn ounce of consideration is worth a pound of contention. The scale in the life of the human starts out in the key of B natural, but as it goes on it often changes into that of A sharp. There are many ways of winning and many winning ways yet it takes both to win. An ounce of attention is worth a pound of intention. It's all right to be from New York, but there are other cities. It is wise to be sure, but otherwise to be too sure. [ 69 ] Epigrams of Eve The street car of life bears the sign, " Pay as you enter-tain." Where ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to confess. A hint to the wise woman is sufficient, but a hint to the sufficient man is unwise. In getting a secret out of a man a girl coaxes it out, a wife worms it out, and a suffragette storms it out. A telephone is an instrument by which one can break an engagement with ease. Trouble, the tempest in the teapot, should be " settled " speedily so that each may have his cup of life more clear. There's many a slip 'twixt the lip and the altar. [ 70 ] Epigrams of Eve Necessity is the mother-in-law of preven- tion. When a song bird seems to warble in- wardly, presumably she is the understudy. Forget how easily you could fill the boss's chair. The girl who wants to shine hides her own light when she seeks borrowed plumes. evil men do is forgotten, but with a woman it becomes history. Anticipation is the elixir of love, Realisa- tion the bitter sweet, and Retrospection the bad taste. The recording angel of the " Great White Way " must employ an army of steno- graphers. 17' ] Epigrams of Eve Sufficient unto the evening is the com- panion thereof. Most men think they have made a hit when the hit has made them. Explanation very often spells confession. Never explain ! If wishes were automobiles, millionaires would fly. The men who reach the summits are few; the majority camp somewhere on the journey, while the balance get tired and take the toboggan route. Nothing succeeds like successfully con- vincing the other fellow that you are a success. Turn the grouches into grins. [ 72 J Epigrams of Eve Business wires must not be connected with heart-strings. BEFORE AND AFTER Sometimes silence is thunderous and pre- cludes a storm. On birthdays after twenty, girls usually subtract rather than add. The man who after marriage forgets bouquets, reasons that it is no use running for a street car after it is caught. A girl after twenty-five is not so cautious about the " stop, look and listen " sign, ere she cross the track of matrimony. Widows' weeds are not always grave affairs. E 2 [ 73 ] Epigrams of Eve Before marriage a man sighs for a home. After marriage he still sighs for a different reason. A girl who is much attached to a man before marriage will find she is very much attached to him afterwards. :..: -,':.:>. . -I;, , HSlhsil] The prude sayeth in his heart : " I love you, kid, but, oh, my wife ! " A man may take a plunge in the pool of love, but he looks long in the well of matri- mony. It's so deep ! Love is blind, but marriage is gifted with second sight. Love matches are often burned out before the wedding candles are lighted. The wages of sin are the thorns collected on the return journey of the " easiest way." [ 74 ] Epigrams of Eve HUMANISMS The way to happiness is rarely paved with pleasure. Consideration is the watchword of wisdom. Co-operation is the key of understanding. Get the key and make a wish. Never expect too much from a friend and you will never want for one. A bit of cheer, a grain of humour, has, times without number, been the one thing that has sugar-coated an otherwise bitter pill. There's many a gold nugget in the rock that does not show itself at once. Good cheer is the everyday prescription that keeps the heart alive. [ 75 1 Epigrams of Eve In making an impression do not make it too deep for it may cut through. _ Be a busy bee rather than a busy body. Decision is the dash that makes Jack master of one trade. Almost any heart will get up and go a- marching to the tune of a laugh. A happy thought expressed during a meal is worth three pills in aid of digestion. In seeking success learn wisdom from the man who has found it rather than from him who awaits it. In looking for germs of hygiene, don't overlook those of happiness. To keep the fire of business alive add the daily fuel of frolic. [ 76 ] A TELEPHONE IS AN INSTRUMENT BY WHICH ONE CAN BREAK AN ENGAGEMENT WITH EASE Epigrams of Eve Enough of anything is plenty, but some of us must needs learn the great divide. Wear out, but never rust out. Be suspicious of the individual who pro- tests too much. Sometimes it means ad- mission. Tis an ill wind that does not blow some- body good, but the majority of humans help the good to blow away. Reciprocity is the golden rule done up in a pill. A word is like a bullet it cannot be re- called. Revenge is a rotting process. It only fertilises the soil of destruction. Bluff is usually only a bubble and will burst if but touched. [ 77 ] Epigrams of Eve Deceit never got anybody anything but a free pass to loneliness. s About the only thing one can collect now- adays is one's thoughts. Imagination is a beautiful attribute. Let it soar at times, but keep the level glass at hand. Mix the oil of gladness with the vinegar of sadness so that the sauce of life may be palatable. Consideration is the watchword of wisdom. ^ Do the thing you think is best, and abide by it like a soldier. Throw the hammer of gossip into the sea. The fish are so busy they won't mind. The grey cloud of discontent makes a shadow and covers the silver lining. [ 78 ] Epigrams of Eve The note of cheer never goes to protest. Ready repartee reflects the radium rays of reason. Frown not at home-grown products, for they weather the winter best. DIVORCE Divorce is the swan song of two souls with not a single thought. Divorce is the domestic declaration of Independence. The future dictionary will define platonic friendship as the interval between the separa- tion and divorce. The marriage ceremony is the fighting chance, the divorce proceedings the chance for fighting. [ 79 ] Epigrams of Eve Many a rising meter is responsible for a man's falling spirits. Chauffeur's motto : " By their tips ye shall know them." He thinketh in his heart, " A fool and his money are soon parted." Charming Books for Presents COZY CORNER LIBRARY. A SERIES FOR LADIES Size 6 by 5 in., printed from a new heavy-faced type, with orna- mental initials, on a good antique paper, tastefully bound in cloth, 2s. 6d. net each. POWER OF GEMS AND CHARMS By G. H. BRATLEY. Queen. " It is indisputably interesting far beyond the ordinary run of books. It is written, just as such a book should be, varied with tit-bits of information ; there is hardly a dull half-page in it ... is extremely interesting and persuasive." 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