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 Lomlfn Ihlijstifil (iyTfwma.\1eijqlIHAfapsuleJuftc/t(23
 
 THE 
 
 BRITISH ESSAYISTS 
 
 WITH 
 
 PREFACES, 
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL, HISTORICAL, AND CRITICAL. 
 
 BY 
 
 JAMES FERGUSON, ESQ. 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE " NEW BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY." 
 
 Scconti CEttitfon. 
 
 IN FORTY VOLUMES. 
 I. 
 
 TATLER, VOL. 1. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 I'RINTtD FOR J. RICHARDSON AND CO.; G. OFFOR ; T. TEGG J 
 
 W, SIIARPE AND SON; ROBINSON AND CO.; G. WALKER; 
 
 J. tVANS AND SONS ; R. DOBSON ; J. JONES ; AND J. JOHNSON : 
 
 ALSO, J. CARFRAE, AND J. SUTHERLAND, EDINBCRGH ; 
 
 AND R. GRIFFIN AND CO. GLASGOW. 
 
 1823.
 
 THE 
 
 TATLER. 
 
 WITH 
 
 NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 Viresque acquirtt euiul '. 
 
 VIRG. 
 
 A NEW EDITION, IN FOUR VOLUMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED FOR J. RICHARDSON AND CO. ; G. OFFOR ; T. TEGG ; 
 
 J. SHARPE AND SON ; ROBINSON AND CO. ; G. WALKER ; 
 J. EVANS AND sons; R. DOBSON ; J. JONtS; AND J. JOHNSON : 
 ALSO, i. CARFRAE, AND J. SUTHERLAND, EDINBURGH J 
 AND R. GRIFFIN AND CO. GLASGOW. 
 
 1822.
 
 contents: 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 Original Dedications. 
 
 1. Introduction-T-Character of an absent 
 
 Lover — Betterton's benefit - Con- 
 tinental Intelligence — Death of 
 Mr. Partridge STEELE. 
 
 2. The Medicine: HARRISON — Conti- 
 
 nental Intelligence — Raillery on 
 
 the state of France 
 
 a. Play-house, a Poem by Blackmore— 
 Tapestry — Continental Intelli- 
 gence — Benefit of Bickerstaff. 
 
 4. Plan of the Work — Characters of 
 
 Chloe and Clarissa — Dramatic 
 News — Strolling Company — Con- 
 tinental Intelligence — Island of 
 Felicia   -— - 
 
 5. Fallen State of Love— Cynthio, the 
 
 absent Lover — Project for the 
 Advancement of Religion — Con- 
 tinental Intelligence — Story of 
 Unnion and Valentine — Character 
 
 of the Duke of Marlborough — 
 
 G. Visit from '•Sappho — Criticism on 
 Homer and Virgil — Journal of the 
 IHad — Continental Intelligence — 
 Characters of Alexander and 
 Caesar   
 
 7. The Author's Will— Raillery on Mar- 
 
 riage — Characters of a Coquet and 
 Coxcomb — Epsom Wells, a Co- 
 medy — Continental Intelligence 
 
 8. Reformation of the Stage— Conti-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 nental Intelligence — A Dream of 
 
 the State of England Steele. 
 
 9. Congreve's Old Batchelor : Steele — 
 Description of the Morning : swift 
 — Character of Timon — Pastorella 
 converted from Coquetry — Conti- 
 nental Intelligence , 
 
 10. Empire of Beauty — Continental In- 
 
 telligence ,.. ^ 
 
 11. A Similitude— On Death — Modern 
 
 Prophets: STEELE — Genealogy of 
 the Staff's: twisden — Continen- 
 tal Intelligence 
 
 12. Corruption of Manners and Language 
 
 — Bite: Steele — A Winter 
 
 Piece: philips — Verses by dryden. 
 
 13. Adventures of the Tatler's Guardian 
 
 Angel, Pacolet — Continental In- 
 telligence STEELE. 
 
 14. Character of Verus— Earl of Essex and 
 
 Alchymist — Dumb Fortune-teller 
 
 and Widow — To Correspondents 
 
 15. Story of Pacolet — Gamesters — Plea- 
 
 sure 
 
 16. Characters at Bath — Letter to Casta- 
 
 bella 
 
 17. On Panegyric — Naked Truth criti- 
 
 cised * 
 
 18. On Signs ; (probably) ADDISON — 
 
 Distress of Newswriters ADDISON. 
 
 19. History of Esquires — Busy Body — 
 
 A Trip to the Jubilee — Letter from 
 Madam Maintenon STEELE. 
 
 20. Complaintof a Lady : STEELE — Dra- 
 
 matic News and Criticism : addi- 
 
 SON — Continental Intelligence 
 
 21. Characters of a Gentleman and a
 
 CONTENTS. \ 
 
 N" 
 
 Pretty Fellow — The Fox—Drama- 
 tic Writers of the last and Present 
 Age — Letter on Mr. Biekerstaff's 
 Prophecy of his Death — Witch- 
 craft — Continental Intelligence.... STEELE. 
 
 22. Cynthio in Love — Lindamira's Lovers 
 
 — Cave Underhill — Young Lady 
 
 in Love with a Rake — 
 
 23. Cure for Fits in Married Ladies — 
 
 Letter to the French Kins: — Con- 
 
 tinental Intelligence 
 
 24. Character of a very Pretty Fellow — A 
 
 Toast: ADDISON — Continental In- 
 telligence — Lines to the FrenchKing 
 
 25. On Duelling — Advice generally un- 
 
 welcome — Continental Intelli- 
 gence   
 
 26. Letter from a Pretty Fellow — from 
 
 Louis XIV. — Duelling . 
 
 27. Character of a Rake — a Coquette — 
 
 Verses on a Parrot — Letter from 
 JefFry Nicknack — Continental In- 
 telligence 
 
 28. On Duelling — Continental Intelli- 
 
 gence 
 
 29. Letter from Tim. Switch on Duelling 
 
 — Critics and Wits — Continental 
 Intelligence ..'. 
 
 30. Character of the Author's Three Ne- 
 
 phews — Style of Love-letters 
 
 31. Duelling — Letter to the Author on 
 
 his being little known in the Coun- 
 try — Continental Intelligence 
 
 32. Platonic Ladies — Madonella: swift 
 
 — On Punning 
 
 33. Mrs. Jenny Distaff on the Treatment 
 
 of the Fair Sex — Attempts to se-
 
 Vi CONTENTS. 
 
 N" 
 
 duce her — Continental Intelligence STEELE- 
 
 tJ4. Cures performed by the Author — 
 
 Saltero's CotFee-house 
 
 35. Snuff- taking — Cynthio's Courtship — 
 Hamlet's Direction to the players: 
 STEELE — Family of X's : (pro- 
 bably) SWIFT — Continental Intel- 
 ligence 
 
 30, Mrs. Jenny Distaff — Characters at 
 Epsom— Of Africanus : ADDISON 
 — Continental Intelligence 
 
 37. On the Fox-hunter's Speech — Cajsar 
 
 to his Party at the Kubicon addison. 
 
 3}). On Duelling — Whisperers without 
 Business — Characters : addison 
 — Continental Intelligence STEELE. 
 
 39. Oxford, and its Almanack — Dialogue 
 
 on Duels — 
 
 40. Cure of Lunatics — On Love and 
 
 Marriage 
 
 41. Exercise at Arms — Character of a 
 
 Questioner — The Author accused 
 
 of Personalities 
 
 42. Lines on Bribery ; STEELE — Charac- 
 
 ter of Aspasia : CONGREVE — In- 
 ventory of the Play-house addison. 
 
 43. D'Urfey's Dedication: Steele — 
 
 New System of Philosophy: ad- 
 dison — On the Sublime STEELE. 
 
 44. Esculapius in Love with Hebe—Sale of 
 
 the Play-house Articles — Humor- 
 ous Complaint of Punch-The Coun- 
 try Gentleman who cannot bear a 
 
 Jest — Continental Intelligence .... 
 
 4.5. Story of Teraminta — Puppet-shows 
 — Scene of Bodily Wit— Charac- 
 ters of Florio and Senecio
 
 HISTORICAL AND BIOGRAPHICAL 
 
 PREFACE 
 
 TO 
 
 THE TATLER. 
 
 A. PRINCIPLE of gratitude must naturally 
 be awakened in every generous mind when he 
 peruses the pages of that distinguished class of 
 writers, the British Essayists. At the dawn of 
 the eighteenth century appeared this eminently 
 useful class of literary men. — It was at this pe- 
 riod that they began by their labours to amuse 
 and instruct the world; and by their writings 
 ' to bring philosophy out of closets and libraries, 
 schools and colleges, to dwell in clubs and as- 
 semblies, at tea-tables, and in coffee-houses ;' — 
 to issue from the press those precepts that have 
 Taller b
 
 XIV HISTORICAL AND 
 
 SO eminently tended to enlighten and adorn the 
 path of common life, and form the manners of 
 our nation. 
 
 Of the origin of this species of writing the 
 celebrated Dr. Johnson has given a sketch, 
 which, though written in advanced life, is 
 highly valuable for elegance of diction, and 
 justice of remark. 
 
 ' To teach the minuter decencies and inferior 
 duties/ says he, * to regulate the practice of daily 
 conversation, to correct those depravities which 
 are rather ridiculous than criminal, and remove 
 those grievances, which if they produce no last- 
 ing calamities, impress hourly vexation, was first 
 attempted by Casa, in his book of Manners, and 
 Castiglione in his Courtier; two books yet ce- 
 lebrated in Italy for purity and elegance, and 
 which, if they are now less read, are ne- 
 glected only because they have effected that re- 
 formation which their authors intended, and 
 their precepts now are no longer wanted. Their 
 usefulness to the age in which they were written 
 is sufficiently attested by the translations which 
 almost all the nations of Europe were in haste 
 to obtain. 
 
 * This species of instruction was continued, 
 and perhaps advanced, by the French : among
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XV 
 
 whom La Bruyer's Manners of the Age, 
 though, as BoiLEAU remarked, it is written 
 without connexion, certainly deserves great 
 praise, for livehness of description, and just- 
 ness of observation. 
 
 * Before the Tatler and Spectator, if the 
 writers for the theatre are excepted, England 
 had no masters of common life. No writers had 
 yet undertaken to reform either the savageness 
 of neglect, or the impertinence of civility ; to 
 shew when to speak, or to be silent ; how to re- 
 fuse, or how to comply. We had many books 
 to teach us our more important duties, and to 
 settle opinions in philosophy or politics: but 
 an Arbiter elegantiaruvi, a judge of propriety, 
 was yet wanting, who should survey the track 
 of daily conversation, and free it from thorns 
 and prickles, which teaze tlie passer, though 
 they do not v/ound him. 
 
 * For this purpose nothing is so proper as the 
 frequent j^ublication of short papers, which we 
 read not as a study, but amuscm.ent. If the sub- 
 ject be slight, the treatise likewise is short. The 
 busy may find time, and the idle may find 
 patience. 
 
 ' This mode of conveying cheap and easy 
 knowledge begun among us in the civil war, 
 
 h 2
 
 XVI HISTORICAL AND 
 
 when it was much the Interest of either party 
 to raise and fix the prejudices of the people. 
 At that time appeared Merctirius AulicuSy 
 Mercurius Rusticus, and Mercurius Civicus. 
 It is said that when any title grew popular, 
 it was stolen by the antagonist, who by this 
 stratagem conveyed his notions to those who 
 would not have received him, had he not worn 
 the appearance of a friend. The tumult of those 
 vmhappy days left scarcely any man leisure to 
 treasure up occasional compositions; and so 
 much were they neglected, that a complete col- 
 lection is no where to be found. 
 
 ' These Mercuries were succeeded by 
 L'Estrange's Observator, and that by 
 Lesley's Rehearsal, and perhaps by others : 
 but hitherto nothing had been conveyed to 
 the people, in this commodious manner, but 
 controversy relating to the church or state; 
 of which they taught many to talk, whom 
 they could not teach to judge. 
 
 * It has been suggested that the Royal 
 Society was instituted soon after the Restora- 
 tion, to divert the attention of the peojile 
 from public discontent. The Tatler and 
 Spectator had the same tendency: they 
 were pubUshed at a time when two parties^
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XVU 
 
 loud, restless, and violent, each with plausible 
 declarations, and each perhaps without any 
 distinct termination of its views, were agi- 
 tating the nation: to minds heated with po- 
 litical contest, they supplied cooler and 
 more inoffensive reflections ; and it is said by 
 Addison, in a subsequent work, that they had 
 a perceptible influence upon the conversation 
 of that time, and taught the frohc and the 
 gay to unite merriment with decency ; an 
 effect which they can never wholly lose, 
 while they continue to be amongst the first 
 books by which both sexes are initiated in 
 the elegancies of knowledge.' 
 
 If it was the aim of the first Essayists to 
 direct the public attention to subjects that, like 
 those of Lord Verulam, ' came home to men's 
 business and bosoms,' a wide field lay before 
 them, for the cultivation of which little pro\i- 
 sion had been made by preceding authors. 
 There were innumerable topics, which, though 
 of great importance in promoting regularity 
 and propriety in social life, and securing the 
 happiness of the domestic relations, had been 
 but superficially touched upon by any of the 
 teachers of wisdom. The weightier morals and 
 the Christian virtues, the grosser vices and de- 
 
 bQ
 
 XVUl HISTORICAL AND 
 
 pravitles, were indeed duly attended to in the 
 discourses^of our English Divines, which form 
 a body of religious and moral instruction, such 
 as no other nation can hope to rival ; but the 
 freaks and vagaries of fashion, operating upon 
 various tempers, and creating many varieties 
 of character, and many modifications of ab- 
 surdity, whatever influence they might have 
 upon society, were excluded from a place 
 where nothing can intrude but what is ca- 
 pable of grave discussion. 
 
 We cannot make a just estimate of the litera- 
 ture of a country if we do not take into our 
 consideration its political government, and the 
 advantages or obstructions which they may 
 present to genius and imagination. If our 
 Essayists have excelled in humour, they 
 owe their materials and their opportunities to 
 circumstances that are not known in other 
 countries — to the freedom of our constitution — 
 to the vast extension of commerce — to the 
 forms of social intercourse, the general relish 
 for conversation, and unconstrained interchange 
 of sentiments ; to a taste for dress, to the in- 
 termixture of the sexes in all companies ; — and 
 to the operation of wealth on minds of strong 
 or weak texture. A these circumstances pre-
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XIX 
 
 sent a numerous class of characters ; which, as 
 they display themselves openly, without fear 
 and without shame, become the prey of the 
 wit, and present him with such opportunities of 
 exposing improprieties and wrong notions to 
 ridicule, as no systematic study or philosophical 
 contemplation could suggest. 
 
 When the Essayists, whose works compose 
 these volumes, began to write, they found this 
 wide field almost entirely unoccupied. Their 
 predecessors and their contemporaries, as Dr. 
 Johnson has observed, meddled only with 
 politics, which, as they discussed them, re- 
 quired neither wit nor learning. Elegance of 
 style was but little known at that time in any 
 prose compositions : and wit, confined chiefly 
 to the stage, was associated with the grossest 
 immorality. In such an undertaking, then, 
 the regulation of taste became a principal 
 object. The passions also would prove a rich 
 source of remark, both serious and humorous. 
 To treat of love is the peculiar province of 
 this class of writers ; and jealousy enters so 
 deeply into every species of gallantry as to af- 
 ford another very fertile source of humourous 
 character and observation, as well as of more 
 grave and important discussion. IVIarriage
 
 XX HISTORICAL AND 
 
 lias also been considered by our Essayists in 
 every possible light ; and the influence of 
 FRiKNDSHiP upon the state of society presents 
 another series of characters and remarks, of 
 great importance. Its nature and properties 
 are therefore frequently discussed in these 
 volumes ; and it will be found that the crimes 
 or whims of Pride, Envy, and Kevenge, 
 occupy no inconsiderable part of the lucubra- 
 tions of the Essayists, and afford some of the 
 most striking pictures of real life, and displays 
 of genuine humour. 
 
 Such are a few of the leading subjects which 
 have been touched upon by this distinguished 
 class of writers ; but on examining these papers 
 it will be found that wo topic connected with 
 the general s;ood of mankind is left unnoticed. 
 Of the works written upon this plan, the first 
 in point of time is the Tatler. The design 
 of this ANork belonging exclusively to Sir 
 Richard Steele, we shall present to our 
 readers the best-authenticated account we can 
 obtain of one who has bequeathed to posterity 
 so eminently viseful a legacy. 
 
 Sir Richard Steele was born at Dublin, 
 according to one account, in 1G71 ; but another, 
 by conjecture, places his birth about 1676. His
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XSl 
 
 father, who \A'as of English extraction, had been 
 for some time private secretary to the first Duke 
 of Ormondj through whose influence Richard, 
 who was sent at an early age to England, was 
 placed in the Charter-house school. In 1691 
 he was entered of Morton-college, Oxford. Of 
 his academical life nothing is known, except that 
 he composed a comedy during his residence, 
 which, by the advice of a fellow-colegian, he 
 had the good sense to suppress. He left the 
 University without taking a degree ; and feel- 
 ing a strong inclination for the military pro- 
 fession, he went into the army, at first in no 
 higher a rank than that of a private in the 
 horse guards. His frank and generous temper 
 gained him friends, and procured for him an 
 ensign"'s commission in the guards. Not being 
 able to resist the temptation incident to his 
 age and situation, he drew up a little treatise 
 for his own admonition, which he entitled 
 " The Christian Hero ;" and, as a greater 
 check upon his conduct, he printed it in 1 70 1, 
 at which time lie was private secretary to Lord 
 Cutts, and had obtained by his means a com- 
 pany in a regiment of fusileers. The serious- 
 ness of this work exposed him to some ridicule
 
 XXll HISTORICAL AND 
 
 among his companions, especially as it seems to 
 have failed in producing a correspondent re- 
 gularity of morals ; he therefore thought fit, as 
 he says, to enliven his character by appearing 
 as the author of a comedy, and in that year he 
 brought on the stage his " Funeral, or Grief a 
 la Mode," This piece proved successful, and 
 is not yet entirely withdrawn from the list of 
 acting plays : it had the merit of uniting en- 
 tertainment with a more direct purpose of mo- 
 ral improvement than was usual among the 
 dramatists of that time. Either on this or 
 other accounts he attracted the notice of King 
 William, who meant to have bestowed some 
 mark of favour on him, but did not live to 
 bring his intention to effect. The recommen- 
 dation of Addison to Lords Halifax and Sun- 
 derland, however, caused him in the beginning 
 of Queen Anne's reign to be appointed to the 
 post of Gazette-writer, an humble appendage 
 to the ministry, requiring chiefly the qualities 
 of obedience and discretion. His comedy of 
 the " Tender Husband" was acted with great 
 success in 1704; and was followed bv the 
 *' Lying Lover," which met wilh a diil'erent 
 fate. Its condemnation was imputed by him-
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. xxiii 
 
 self to its piety : it had probably too much of 
 the sentimental or sermonizing strain to please 
 the audiences of that asre. 
 
 In 1709 Steele made a commencement of 
 that series of periodical papers, which, more 
 than any of his other exertions, has contributed 
 to place his name among the principal literary 
 benefactors of his country. The " Tatlkk," 
 with which it begun, was formed upon a plan 
 which bore marks of crudity, for it included 
 the political information of a common news- 
 paper. Its leading purpose, however, was to 
 improve the public morals and manners by 
 holding up to ridicule fashionable follies and 
 vices of every kind, and inculcating just and 
 liberal sentiments on common topics, with a 
 general regard to the proper decorums of social 
 life. Steele himself was qualified for this task 
 by a knowledge of the world acquired in free 
 converse with it, by natural humour and viva- 
 city, and by a generous and benevolent way of 
 thinking. He had also the felicity of being 
 able to engage coadjutors, some of them much 
 superior in genius to himself, of whom it is 
 sufficient to mention Swift, and especially Ad- 
 dison, the name which first occurs to every 
 reader of these periodical writings- The Tat-
 
 XXIV HISTORICAL AND 
 
 LER was extensively circulated ; and as in the 
 political department it sided with the existing 
 ministry, Steele obtained the reward of a place 
 among the commissioners of the stamp duties, 
 which he retained after the dismission of the 
 ministers who had granted it, Jn 1711 this 
 paper was succeeded by the more celebrated 
 *' Spectator,"" in which the plan was matured, 
 the politics of the day were rejected, and the 
 assistance of Addison and other eminent wri- 
 ters was more constant, though Steele conti- 
 nued to supply the staple When this was 
 brought to a close, the publication of the 
 " Guardian" commenced, in 1713, and for a 
 time was carried on in the same spirit ; but 
 Steele was now too earnestly engaged in oppo- 
 sition to the ministry to restrain his pen, and it 
 was terminated in the same year. He afterwards 
 engaged in other periodical works, but they all 
 appear to have been subservient to party, and 
 have long been forgotten. 
 
 On taking upon himself a decided political 
 character, he resigned his post in the stamp- 
 office, and likewise a pension which he had 
 hitherto received as having belonged to the 
 household of the late Prince George of Den- 
 mark. His object was now to obtain a seat in
 
 BIOGllAPHICAL PftEFACE. XXV 
 
 parliament; and when it met after the disso- 
 lution, he was returned a representative for the 
 borough of Stockbridge. Not long, however, 
 after taking his seat, he was expelled as the 
 author of certain publications to which his 
 name was prefixed, and which were voted to 
 be seditious and scandalous libels. The most 
 noted of these, entitled "The Crisis,*" has since 
 appeared te have been written by Mr. William 
 Moore, a lawyer, and a political coadjutor of 
 Steele''s. His [offence in these pieces is stated 
 to have been " that they contained many ex- 
 pressions highly reflecting upon Her Majesty, 
 upon the nobility, gentry^ clergy, and univer- 
 sities of this kingdom, maliciously insinuating 
 that the Protestant succession in the house of 
 Hanover is in danger under Her Majesty's ad- 
 ministration." He was defended by Addison, 
 the Walpoles, Lords Finch, Lumley, and 
 Hinchinbroke ; but the party in power was 
 determined upon the sacrifice, and by a ma- 
 jority of 245 to 152, the charge against him 
 was affirmed. After his expulsion he engaged 
 in some new literary undertakings ; but on the 
 accession of George I. he was placed in a bet- 
 ter situation by the appointment to the sur- 
 veyorshiD of the royal stables at Ilamptuu 
 
 c
 
 XXVI HISTOniCAL AND 
 
 court, and a nomination to the commission of 
 the peace for Middlesex. Having also pro- 
 cured a licence to be chief manager of the royal 
 company of comedians, he had interest to get 
 it exchanged for a patent for life, as governor 
 of that company. In the first parliament of 
 tlie new reign he re-entered the house as mem- 
 ber for Boroughbridge ; and in April 1715 he 
 received the honour of knighthood on present- 
 ins: an address. The more substantial reward 
 of 5001. was also given him by Sir Robert 
 Walpole for special services. Thus encou- 
 raged, his fertile pen produced a variety of 
 political tracts, of which it may be said that 
 there is no doubt of his being sincere in the 
 support of the cause which he adopted, and of 
 which he was the advocate, as well in its du- 
 bious as in its triumphant state. Having been 
 appointed, in 1717, one of the commissioners 
 for inquiring into the estates forfeited by the 
 late rebellion in Scotland, he went to that 
 coimtry, and was treated in it with great re- 
 spect, notwithstanding the unwelcomeness of 
 his errand. He there conceived the project of 
 forming an union between the Scotch and Eng- 
 lish churches, and had conferences with seve- 
 ral of the presbyterian ministers on the restora-
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XXVli 
 
 tlon of episcopacy ; but his zeal in this case, 
 however benevolent, seems to have been little 
 directed by judgment. The character of a pro- 
 jector, indeed, was on,e part of Steele's compo- 
 sition ; and it was both the effect and cause of 
 that perpetual embarrassment of circumstances 
 under which he laboured, and which was prin- 
 cipally owing to a radical want of economy 
 and an inclination to expense. He had mar- 
 ried for his first wife a lady of Barbadoes, who 
 brought him a valuable plantation on the death 
 of her brother ; and for his second, the daugh- 
 ter of Jonathan Scurlock, Esq. of LlangunUor, 
 in Caermarthenshire, with whom he had a good 
 fortune; yet he seems to have been always 
 necessitous. A project for conveying fish to 
 market alive, for which he obtained a patent 
 in 1718, instead of retrieving his affairs, only 
 involved him deeper. It were to be wished 
 that his distresses had occasioned no other sa- 
 crifices than that of money ; but there is reason 
 to suppose that they sometimes interfered with 
 the dictates of conscience. Whiston in his 
 Memoirs has related, that having once met 
 with Steele after he had given a vote in parha- 
 ment contrary to former declarations, to hi& 
 
 c2
 
 XXVUl HISTORICAL AND 
 
 reproaches for inconsistency the knight replied^ 
 " Mr- Whiston, you can walk on foot, but I 
 cannot." Steele's spirit was, however, by no 
 means formed for implicit submission; and 
 for his opposition in 1 7 1 9 to the peerage bill, 
 supported by the ministry, he was deprived 
 of his theatrical patent. He appealed to the 
 public in a paper called " The Theatre j" and 
 in 1720 he pleaded the cause of the nation by 
 a pamphlet against the pernicious South- sea 
 scheme. He was restored in the next year to 
 his authority at Drury-lane theatre, and soon 
 after made an addition both to his fame and 
 fortune by his comedy of "The Conscious 
 Lovers,"" first acted in 1722. This piece was 
 received with extraordinary applause, and long 
 stood at the head of comedies of the moral 
 and sentimental class. The King munificently 
 presented him with 5001. for the dedication ; 
 but his habitual pecuniary embarrassments still 
 pressed upon him, and obliged him to sell his 
 share in the playhouse. He had the additional 
 misfortune of maintaining a lawsuit with the 
 managers, which was decided against him. 
 Broken now equally in fortune and constitu- 
 tion, he retired to his estate in Wales, where
 
 BlOOnAPHICAL pnEFACE. XXIX 
 
 a paralytic stroke first impaired his under- 
 standing, and finally terminated his life in 
 September, 1729. 
 
 Sir Richard Steele appears to have been 
 much beloved in society, for the benevolent 
 warmth and openness of liis disposition, and 
 his entire freedom from jealousy or malevo- 
 lence. In point of understanding he is per- 
 haps rather to be called a man of parts, than a 
 man of genius, none of his productions rising 
 higher than the efforts of a lively fancy, exer- 
 cised on a variety of topics, but with little 
 force or accuracy. His style and his train of 
 thinking are equally lax and incorrect. He 
 was a lover of virtue, and often painted it in 
 pleasing and attractive colours, but neither his 
 example nor precept were unexceptionable. 
 His reputation as a writer seems to have been 
 much indebted to the partnerships he formed ; 
 but his name is certainly entitled to a place 
 among those which throw peculiar lustre upon 
 that period of English literature. 
 
 Such are the outlines of the life of Sir 
 Richard Steele. To have entered more 
 into detail would have led us into a very wide 
 field, which to most readers would have been 
 barren of entertainment. The Tatlee rose 
 
 c3
 
 XXX llISTOniCAL AND 
 
 from small beginnings. It does not appear 
 that Steele foresaw to what perfection this 
 method of writing might be brought. The 
 first paper, as has been already noticed, made 
 its appearance on Tuesday, April 12, 1/09; 
 and the days of publication were fixed to be 
 Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. 
 
 Steele appears to have begun the Tatler 
 without any concert, or hope of other assist- 
 ance than what might come spontaneously. 
 His chief dependence was on his intelligence, 
 which gave him a superiority over his con- 
 temporaries, who were merely news-writers, 
 and had never discovered that a periodical 
 paper might furnish instruction of a better 
 and more lasting kind. 
 
 Addison is said to have first discovered 
 Steele to be the author of the Tatler by a 
 criticism of his own introduced in N°. 6. Ad- 
 DLSON was at this time in Ireland, secretary 
 to Lord Wharton, Lord Lieutenant, and 
 gave Steele an early proof of his regard 
 by sending contributions to his work. In 
 N° 18, the 'Distress of News-writers' is cer- 
 tainly his ; and the first part of the paper on 
 sign-posts has very much of his manner. 
 N° 20 is hkewise assigned to him. His
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACK. XXxl 
 
 other papers are assigned on Indubitable au- 
 thority. 
 
 Such an assistant as Addison was of in- 
 calculable value to Steele; by his union his 
 views became enlarged, and public attention 
 more generally drawn to the paper, and he 
 soon rose to the dignity of a teacher of wis- 
 dom and morals. His improvement is visi- 
 ble from about N" 82 or 83 ; N" 92, 95, 109, 
 132, may be referred to for their great excel- 
 lence. Steele's admirable papers on duelling 
 were among the first successful attempts on 
 that remnant of barbarism. 
 
 It is thought that some part of the popularity 
 of the Tatlers, during their first publication, 
 was owing to an opinion, that the characters de- 
 scribed in an unfavourable light, and held up 
 to ridicule or contempt,* were real ; and the au- 
 thors, being aware that nothing can render a 
 work more popular than the supposition that 
 it contains a proportion of scandal or personal 
 history, were not very anxious to deprive them- 
 selves of a hold on the public mind which they 
 could, and had the virtue, to turn to the best of 
 purposes. 
 
 Thirty-four of the Tatlers are attributed 
 to Steele and Addison in conjunction.
 
 XSXU HISTORICAL AND 
 
 Forty-one are given to Addfson elone, of 
 wliich N"' 132, 216, 220, 224, 250, 253, 256, 
 259, and 264, are admirable examples of that 
 exquisite liumour whlcli afterv^ ards became ha- 
 bitual in this author's writings, and flowed from 
 a disposition of mind, easy, equable, and fer- 
 tile in ridicule, yet delicate in sentiment and 
 expression beyond any kind of wit that had 
 hitherto appeared. 
 
 x\mong the occasional contributors to the 
 Tatler, Swift has been often mentioned. 
 He is said to liave wrote, in N° 9, the • De- 
 scription of the Morning ;' in N" 32, the his- 
 tory of Madonella: in N° 35, from internal 
 evidence, the family of Ix : in N" 59, the letter 
 signed Obadiah Grecnhat : in N" 63, Mado- 
 nella's Platonic College: in N" 66, the first 
 article, on pulpit oratory: in N° 67, the pro- 
 posal for a Chamber of Fame: in N" 68, a 
 continuation of the same : in N" 70, a letter on 
 oratory, signed Jonathan Rosehat : in N" 71> 
 a letter on the irregular conduct of a clergy- 
 man; N" 230, entire ; in N" 238, the poetical 
 description of a shower ; and N° 258, a short 
 letter on the words ' Great Britain.' These 
 are all the communications that can with any 
 confidence be ascribed to Swift.
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XXXUl 
 
 The next contributor to the Tatler whom 
 we shall notice, is Mr, John Hughes, who i& 
 said to have been the author of the letter 
 signed Josiah Couplet in N° 64 ; that signed 
 Will Trusty in N" 73 ; a letter on the ten- 
 dency of the work in N° 76; and the in- 
 ventory of a beau's effects in N" 1 18. Some 
 farther notice will be taken of Mr. Hugues 
 anions the authors of the Spectator. The 
 < Medicine, a Tale,' in N"" 2, was written by 
 Mr. William Harriso"N, a young gentleman 
 of great promise. The very humorous genea- 
 logy of the family of Bickerstaff, in N" 11, is 
 ascribed by Steele in his ' Preface to the 
 Octavo Edition, 1 710,' to Mr. Twisden, who 
 died at the battle of Mons, and has a monu- 
 ment in Westminster Abbey. The cliaracter 
 of Aspasia, in N° 42, was written by Cox- 
 GREVE. The paper on gluttony, N° 205, is 
 ascribed by Steele, in the ' Tlieatre, N° 26,* 
 to a Mr. Fuller. The letter on language, 
 education, &c. in N° 234, was written by Mr. 
 James Grbenwood, author of an ' Essay 
 towards a- practical English Grammar,' and 
 teacher of a boarding-school at Woodford iu 
 Essex.
 
 XXxiv HISTORICAL AND 
 
 These are the names of alf the contributors 
 whose writings can be ascertained with any de- 
 ft;ree of probability. When their contributions 
 are deducted, it will be seen that the continual 
 supply of the work rested chiefly on Steele. 
 
 We shall conclude these preliminary remarks 
 by a few observations on the merit and utility 
 of Periodical Writings, extracted from the ex- 
 cellent Essays illustrative of the Tatler, Spec- 
 tator, and Guardian^ by Dr. Drake. 
 
 " Few contrivances,"" says this writer, " have 
 been found more effectual toward correcting the 
 foibles and lighter vices of mankind, or better 
 calculated to diffuse a taste for literature and 
 refinement, than the periodical publication of 
 short essays. To comprehend the intricacies 
 of speculative science, or to relish the elaborate 
 productions of genius, requires not only the 
 education of many years, but much subsequent 
 leisure through life ; and such are the neces- 
 sary duties assigned to Man, so much of his 
 time is occupied in the mere preservation of 
 existence, that there are not many, even in the 
 most civilized state of society, who, by inherit- 
 ing property, enjoy an exemption from personal 
 labour adequate to the pursuit ; neither among
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XXXV 
 
 those privileged is it common to find many who 
 possess tlie abihty or inclination to improve the 
 opportunities which opulence has bestowed, ei- 
 ther in extending the limits of knowledge, or 
 expatiating in the fields of imagination, l"© 
 every one, however, whatever may be his rank, 
 some portion of leisure is allotted, and it is of 
 infinite importance to the happiness and pro- 
 sperity of society that that leisure be properly 
 employed, 
 
 " In a country just rising into consequence 
 by commercial efforts, where, with the excep- 
 tion of a few individuals devoted to an acade- 
 mical or professional life, the higher and mid- 
 dle classes are but httle acquainted with the 
 pleasures and advantages of literature; whereto 
 form the character of the gentleman no more 
 grammatical knowledge is required than may 
 be found in the common mechanic ; it will be 
 in vain that attention is called to philological 
 inquiry or studied exhortation. On men busied 
 in the acquirement of wealth, merely for its 
 own sake, or revelling in the grossest sensuali- 
 ties, no formal display of the value of science, 
 or the beauty and utility of virtue, can be sup- 
 posed to produce much effect. Under these 
 circumstances it should be our endeavour not
 
 XXXVl HISTORICAL AND 
 
 to present the solemn disquisition or scholastic 
 tome, but to insinuate, under the garb of enter- 
 tainment, a relish for and a love of letters, and 
 to meliorate or remove by ridicule those mi- 
 nuter vices and follies on which neither law nor 
 religion has fixed. It was in this stage of so- 
 ciety, when refinement and general knowledge 
 had made a very partial progress, that our ear- 
 liest periodical papers were written; when the 
 chief difficulty was to induce the gay, the 
 thoughtless, and the busy, to read even a short 
 essay. He who would have trembled at the 
 idea of commencing a volume, mustered cou- 
 rage, however, to peruse a single sheet, which 
 terminating the subject discussed, and occupy- 
 ing no greater portion of time than could con- 
 veniently be spared during the intervals of bu- 
 siness or dissipation, offered attractions which 
 no publication in the general walk of literature 
 had hitherto displayed. To allure those who 
 were not otherwise to be acquired, politics were 
 at first mingled with the miscellaneous matter, 
 until the attention being by various means once 
 gained, and the heart and imagination awaken- 
 ed, all the benevolent purposes which these ad- 
 mirable compositions were intended to effect 
 were at length happily obtained.
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XXXVll 
 
 " To introduce, therefore, and support a taste 
 for elegant literature ; to paint virtue in her 
 most alluring form ; to inculcate attention to 
 the decencies, proprieties, and minuter graces 
 of domestic life, and to dissipate by well-turned 
 ridicule and humoui those fashionable follies and 
 lighter shades of vice, which, though apparently 
 trivial, undermine thefoundationsof our happi- 
 ness, form the legitimate objects of a periodical 
 paper. That these, however, may produce their 
 full effect, no common-rate ability is demanded 
 on the part of the author. To beauty, accu- 
 racy, and vivacity of composition, must be 
 added strength of imagination and versatility 
 cf style. The tale, the allegory, the vision, 
 should relieve or clothe the dryness of didactic 
 precept; and the pages animated by the glow 
 of sentiment, or the brilliancy of description, 
 should be succeeded by the smile of satire, and 
 tlie pleasantries of comic painting. 
 
 "Mere fancy and erudition, however exalted 
 or however profound, will be found unequal to 
 the production of a work such as we have now 
 described. The labour of the closet, where taste 
 is not wanting, may indeed accumulate and 
 display with critical acumen the beauties of a 
 
 d
 
 XXXVm HISTORICAL AND 
 
 Homer or a Virgil, or mny raise an original 
 fabric, the oiFspring of luxuriant imagination; 
 but in vain shall we seek for that intimacy with 
 the human heart, that just discrimination of cha- 
 racter, so vitally essential to the popularity and 
 utility of a periodical paper. For these the au- 
 thor must have mixed in the motley world 
 around him, and marked with a penetrating eye 
 the different classes and individuals of mankind, 
 in order to select with judgment, for censure or 
 for praise, their more prominent features, and 
 with a view toward furnisliing that dramatic 
 form which alone can give birth to the exquisite 
 conceptions of humour. 
 
 " A series of papers thus constituted, and 
 forming a whole, replete with wit, fancy, and 
 instruction, has been proved by long experience 
 not only the most useful but the most interest- 
 ing and popular of publications. Each sex, 
 every rank, and every stage of society, have 
 been alike amused and benefitted by these pro- 
 ductions. Courtesy, etiquette, and dress, as 
 well as morals, criticism, and philosophy, liave 
 learnt to obey their dictates ; and many import- 
 ant truths, many sage lessons for life, have, by 
 approaching under the disguise of a trivial and
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. XXXlX 
 
 fashionable topic, found their way to, and made 
 their due impression upon, those whom no other 
 channel could reach. 
 
 *' Even in the present age, when literature is 
 to a certain degree diffused through almost 
 every department, and when refinement nearly 
 borders upon excess, essays constructed in the 
 original mould still charm. Though the rude- 
 ness, the grossness, and improprieties, which 
 called forth the wit or the invective of our early 
 essayists, no longer exist, there is still a most 
 abundant crop of petty vice and folly, of vanity 
 and affectation, which, though assuming a more 
 polished surface, as loudly demands excision. 
 Our manners too, though somewhat softened 
 down and amalgamated by the progress of civi- 
 lization, still bear strongly the marks of indivi- 
 dual modification, and still furnish to the atten- 
 tive and experienced observer numerous origi- 
 nal and high-wrought characters ; whilst, at the 
 same time, the taste for cadence of period and 
 harmony of style, for the luxuries of fiction 
 and^the eleg-ancies of critical discussion, now so 
 v.idely disseminated, presents an ample field for 
 variety and grace. In proof of these remai-ks 
 it may be observed, that from die first appear- 
 ance of the Tatler to the present day, no period 
 
 J2
 
 Xl HISTORICAL AND 
 
 has been absolutely devoid of periodical essays ; 
 and it can with equal justice be affirmed, that 
 they form a most splendid and highly valuable 
 branch of our national literature. The greatest 
 masters of our language, the classical writers of 
 their age, have exerted the noblest efforts of 
 their genius, and afforded us the finest speci- 
 mens of their composition, whilst employed in 
 the execution of those beautiful designs, v/hich, 
 if considered for a moment in the light of highly 
 finished pictures, how vividly do they express 
 the style and manner of their respective artists ! 
 In Addison we discern the amenity and ideal 
 grace of Raphael ; in Johnson the strength and 
 energy of Michael Angelo; in Hawkesworth 
 the rich colouring and warmth of Titian ; the 
 legerity and frolic elegance of Albani in the 
 productions of Moore, Thornton, and Cohnan ; 
 the pathetic sweetness of Guido in the draughts 
 of Mackenzie ; and the fertility aud harmonious 
 colouring of Annlbale Caracci in the vivid 
 sketches of Cumberland. 
 
 " From such an assemblage of diversified ex- 
 cellence, he must be fastidious indeed who re- 
 ceives not the most pleasurable emotions ; and 
 incapable of instruction, if he leaves it not a 
 better nor a wiser man. The grave, the gay»
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. 
 
 xli 
 
 the old, the young, will here find something to 
 arrest attention, and to awaken curiosity ; to ex- 
 cite the smile of harmless mirth, or draw forth 
 the tear of pity ; to illuminate the page of an- 
 cient times, or to invigorate the pursuit of vir- 
 tue. Such is the useful varietv with which these 
 writings teem ! ' When I hold a volume of these 
 Miscellanies,' observes an elegant author, ' and 
 run over with avidity the titles of its contents, 
 my mind is enchanted, as if it were placed 
 among the landscapes of Valais, which Rous- 
 seau has described with such picturesque beau- 
 ty. I fancy myself seated in a cottage, amid 
 those mountains, those valleys, those rocks, en- 
 circled by the enchantments of optical illusion. 
 I look and behold at once the united seasons.' 
 ' All climates in one place, all seasons in one 
 instant.' I gaze at once on a hundred rain- 
 bows, and trace the romantic figures of the 
 shifting clouds. I seem to be in a temple 
 dedicated to the service of the Goddess of 
 Vakiety.' 
 
 " The invention of a paper calculated for 
 general instruction and entertainment, abound- 
 ing in elegant literature, appearing periodical- 
 ly, and forming a whole under an assumed 
 name and character, is, without doubt, to be
 
 xlll 
 
 HISTORICAL AND 
 
 ascribed to this country, and confers on it no 
 small degree of honour. The Tatlkr present- 
 ed to Europe in 1709 the first legitimate model. 
 At this period literature and manners in this 
 island were far distant from the imiversality 
 and polish which they have since obtained. So 
 widely different indeed was their situation from 
 any thing we are now familiar with, that, in 
 order to place the merit of our early periodical 
 productions in its due light, a slight sketch of 
 their state, as existing in 1709, will, before we 
 enter more at large into our work, be deemed, 
 perhaps, indispensably requisite. 
 
 " Though the reign of Queen Anne has been 
 generally termed the Augustan age of litera- 
 ture in this kingdom, owing to the co-existence 
 of a few celebrated writers, it is astonishing how 
 little, during the greatest part of that period, 
 was the information of the higher and middle 
 classes of society- To the character of the 
 gentleman, neither education nor letters were 
 thought necessary ; and any display of learn- 
 ing, however superficial, was, among the fa- 
 shionable circles, deemed rudeness and pedan- 
 try. ' That general knowledge,' observes 
 Johnson, ' which now circulates in common 
 talk, was then rarely to be found. Men not
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. xHii 
 
 professing learning were not ashamed of igno- 
 rance ; and, in the female world, any acquaint- 
 ance with books was distinguished only to be 
 censured.' When we reflect, that to express 
 contempt for all literary acquirement was th.en 
 a certain proof of gentility, and ignorance the 
 characteristic of superior station (a statement 
 which, I believe, previous to the publication of 
 the Tatler, is nearly correct), we ought to hesi- 
 tate in assigning the epithet of Augustan to this 
 era of our history. We should recollect that 
 two-thirds of the reign of Anne were entirely 
 occupied by politics ; that the struggles of fac- 
 tion, the inveterate contentions of the Whios 
 and Tories, banished for many years, even 
 among the learned, almost all attention to use- 
 ful and elegant pursuits ; and that the com- 
 mencement of taste, and the diffusion of know- 
 ledge, may be dated from the well-timed efforts 
 of Steele and Addison, efforts which illuminated 
 but the latter days of Anne, and were inde- 
 pendent of any engagement from the throne. 
 From this time only has the pubhc mind been 
 powerfully excited to intellectual emulation, 
 and gradually has it acquired that polish and 
 intimacy with literary subjects which distin- 
 guish the present age. It is solely indeed to a
 
 xliv HISTORICAL AND 
 
 nation that has long cherished a strong relish 
 for literature in all its departments, whose taste 
 is correct and pure, and which fosters in her 
 bosom every rising genius, tliat the title of Au- 
 gustan can be given, and not to the casual ap- 
 pearance of a few luminaries, surrounded by 
 wastes of interminable darkness. 
 
 " That extension of mental light, which was 
 first happily effected by our periodical essayists, 
 and which has by degrees led to the brilliancy 
 we now enjoy, had been for a long time inter- 
 cepted by the dissolute and licentious manners 
 which the court of Charles the Second had in- 
 troduced, and which continued for several years 
 after the commencement of the eighteenth cen- 
 tury, though in a less virulent manner, to pol- 
 lute the channels of public decency, and to choke 
 the germs of intellectual excellence. 
 
 *' Of the success which attended the efforts 
 of Steele and Addison, in the reformation and 
 improvement of their own immediate age, no- 
 thing can afford so decisive a proof as the opi- 
 nions of contemporaries competent to form a 
 just estimate of the result of their labours. We 
 shall only quote one of the numerous produc- 
 tions of this kind. It was published on the 
 close of the Tatler, and affords a very strik-
 
 V 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. xl 
 
 ing and satisfactory detail of the salutary 
 effect of the Tatlers, Spectators, and Guardians, 
 in ameliorating the morals of society, and in 
 accelerating the progress of intellectual acquire- 
 ment. 
 
 " To Gay, there is every reason to suppose, 
 ■we are indebted for the description of the moral 
 influence of the Tatler. After regretting the re- 
 cent decease of Isaac BickerstafF, Esq. he adds, 
 ' to give you my own thoughts of this gentle- 
 man's writings, I shall in the first place observe, 
 that there is this noble difference between him 
 and all the rest of our polite and gallant au- 
 thors : the latter have endeavoured to please 
 the age, by falhng in with them, and encourag- 
 ing tliem in their fashionable vices and false no- 
 tions of things. It w ould have been a jest, some 
 time since, for a man to have asserted that any 
 thing witty could be said in praise of a married 
 state ; or that devotion and virtue were any 
 way necessary to the character of a fine gentle- 
 man. BickerstafF ventured to tell the town that 
 tliey were a parcel of fops, fools, and vain co- 
 quettes ; but in such a manner as even pleased 
 them, and made them more than half inclined 
 to believe that he spoke truth.
 
 xlvi HISTORICAL AND 
 
 *' * Instead of complying with the false senti- 
 ments or vicious tastes of the age, either in mo- 
 rality, criticism, or good-breeding, he has bold- 
 ly assured them, that they were altogether in 
 the wrong ; and commanded them, with an au- 
 thority which perfectly well became him, to 
 surrender themselves to his arguments for vir- 
 tue and good sense. 
 
 " ' It is incredible to conceive the effect his 
 writings have had on the town ; how many 
 thousand follies they have either quite banish- 
 ed, or given a very great check to ; how much 
 countenance they have added to virtue and re- 
 ligion.; how many people they have rendered 
 happy, by shewing them it was their own fault 
 if they were not so ; and lastly, how entirely 
 they have convinced our fops and young fellOws 
 of the value and advantages of learning. 
 
 " * He has indeed rescued it out of the hands 
 of pedants and fools, and discovered the true 
 method of making it amiable and lovely to all 
 mankind. In the dress he gives it, it is a most 
 welcome guest at tea-tables and assemblies, and 
 is relished and caressed by the merchants on 
 Change. 
 
 " ' Lastly, his writings have set all our wits 
 and men of letters upon a new way of thinking.
 
 BIOGRAPHICAL PREFACE. xlvi 
 
 11 
 
 of which they had Httle or no notion before ; 
 and thougli we cannot yet say that any of them 
 have come up to the beauties of the original, I 
 think we may venture to affirm, that every one 
 of them writes and thinks much more justly 
 than they did some time since.' 
 
 " Of the almost immediate utility accruing 
 to manners and literature from the circulation 
 of the Tatler, no passages can be more decisive 
 tlian those which we have quoted ; and to these 
 might be added testimonials equally strong 
 with regard to the moral and mental operation 
 on society of tjjie whole body of periodical 
 writings which issued from the school of Steele 
 and Addison. 
 
 '' The result, indeed, of the publication of 
 the Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian, has been 
 of the first national importance. The diffusion 
 of private virtue and wisdom must necessarily 
 tend to purify and enlighten the general mass ; 
 and experience in every age has proved, that 
 the strength, the weight, and prosperity of a 
 nation, are better founded on knowledge, mo- 
 rality, and sound literature, than on the un- 
 stable effects of conquest or commerce. Rational 
 liberty, indeed, can only be supported by in- 
 tegrity and ability ; and it is of little conse-
 
 Xlviii HISTORICAL, &C. 
 
 quence to the man who feels for the honour of 
 his species, and who knows properly to value 
 the character of a freeman, that his country 
 has stretched her arms over half the globe, if? 
 at the same time, she be immersed in vice, in 
 luxury, and sensuality, and subjected to the 
 debasing caprice and control of tyranny. 
 
 " It is but just, therefore, to infer, that the 
 periodical writings of Addison and of Steele 
 have contributed more essentially to the na- 
 tional good, to the political influence even, 
 and stability of the British empire, than all 
 the efforts of her warriors, however great or 
 glorious."
 
 THE 
 
 TATLER. 
 
 ORIGINAL DEDICATIONS. 
 
 I. TO MR. MAYNWARING.* 
 
 SIR, 
 
 The state of conversation and business in this town 
 having been long perplexed w^ith Pretenders in both 
 kinds ; in order to open men's eyes against such 
 abuses, it appeared no unprofitable undertaking to 
 publish a Paper, which should observe upon the 
 manners of the pleasurable as well as the busy part 
 of mankind. To make this generally read, it seemed 
 the most proper method to form it by way of a Letter 
 of Intelligence, consisting of such parts as might 
 gratify the curiosity of persons of all conditions, and 
 of each sex. But a work of this nature requiring 
 time to grow into the notice of the world, it happened, 
 very luckily, that, a little before I had resolved upon 
 this design, a gentleman had written predictions, and 
 two or three other pieces in my name, which rendered 
 it famous through all parts of Europe ; and, by an 
 
 * Arthur Maynwaring, Esq 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 ORIGINAL DEDICATIONS 
 
 inimitable spirit and humour, raised it to as high a 
 pitch of reputation as it could possibly arrive at. 
 
 By this good fortune the name of Isaac Bicker- 
 staff gained an audience of all who had any taste of 
 wit ; and the addition of the ordinary occurrences of 
 common Journals of News brought in a multitude 
 of other readers. I could not, I confess, long keep 
 up the opinion of the town, that these Lucubrations 
 were written by the same hand with the first works 
 which were published under my name ; but, before 
 I lost the participation of that author's fame, I had 
 already found the advantage of his authority, to which 
 I owe the sudden acceptance which my labours met 
 with in the world. 
 
 The general purpose of this Paper is to expose the 
 false arts of life, to pull off the disguises of cunning, 
 vanity, and affectation, and to recommend a general 
 simplicity in our dress, our discourse, and our be- 
 haviour. No man has a better judgment for the dis- 
 covery, or a nobler spirit for the contempt of all 
 imposture, than yourself; which qualities render you 
 the most proper patron for the author of these Essays. 
 In the general, the design, however executed, has 
 met with so great success, that there is hardly a 
 name now eminent among us for power, wit, beauty, 
 valour, or wisdom, which is not subscribed for the 
 encouragement of these volumes. This is, indeed, an 
 honour, for which it is impossible to express a suitable 
 gratitude ; and there is nothing could be an addition 
 to the pleasure I take in it, but the reflection, that it 
 gives me the most conspicuous occasion I can ever 
 have of subscribing myself, Sir, 
 
 Your most obliged, most obedient, 
 
 and most humble servant, 
 
 Isaac Bickerstaff.
 
 TO THE TATLER. 3 
 
 II. TO EDWARD WORTLEY MONTAGUE*, Esq. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 When I send you this volume, I am rather to make 
 you a request than a Dedication. I must desire, 
 that if you think tit to throw away any moments on 
 it, you would not do it after reading those excellent 
 pieces with which you are usually conversant. The 
 images which you will meet with here, will be very 
 faint, after the perusal of the Greeks and Romans, 
 who are your ordinary companions. I must confess 
 I am obliged to you for the taste of many of their 
 excellencies, which I had not observed until you 
 pointed them to me. I am very proud that there are 
 some things in these Papers which I know you par- 
 donf ; and it is no small pleasure to have one's 
 labours suffered by the judgment of a man, who so 
 well understands the true charms of eloquence and 
 poesy. But I direct this address to you ; not that I 
 think I can entertain you with my writings, but to 
 thank you for the new delight I have, from your con- 
 versation, in those of other men. 
 
 May you enjoy a long continuance of the true relish 
 of the happiness Heaven has bestowed upon you ! I 
 know not liow to say a more affectionate thing to 
 you, than to wish that you may be always what you 
 are ; and that you may ever think, as I know you 
 now do, that you have a much larger fortune than 
 you want. I am, Sir, 
 
 Your most obedient, and most humble servant, 
 
 Isaac Bickerstaff. 
 
 * Second son of Hon. Lady Wortley Montague, and grand- 
 son of Edward Montague, the first Earl of Sandwich. 
 
 + This seems to amount to a declaration, that E. Wortley 
 Montague, Esq. was himself a writer in these papers. 
 
 B 2
 
 ORIGINAL DEDICATIONS 
 
 III. TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 WILLIAM, LORD COWPER, 
 
 BARON OF WINGHAM. 
 MY LORD, 
 
 After having long celebrated the superior graces 
 and excellencies among men, in an imaginary cha- 
 racter, I do myself the honour to shew my veneration 
 for transcendent merit under my own name, in this 
 address to your Lordship. The just application of 
 those high accomplishments of which you are master, 
 has been an advantage to all your fellow-subjects ; 
 and it is from the common obligation you have laid 
 upon all the world, that I, though a private man, 
 can pretend to be affected with, or take the liberty to 
 acknowledge, your great talents and public virtues. 
 It gives a pleasing prospect to your friends, that is 
 to say, to the friends of your country, that you have 
 passed through the highest offices, at an age when 
 others usually do but form to themselves the hopes 
 of them. They may expect to see you in the House 
 of Lords as many years as you were ascending to it. 
 It is our common good, that your admirable eloquence 
 can now no longer be employed, but in the expres- 
 sion of your own sentiments and judgment. The 
 skilful pleader is now for ever changed into the just 
 judge; which latter character your Lordship exerts 
 with so prevailing an impartiality, that you win the 
 approbation even of those who dissent from you, and 
 you always obtain favour, because you are never 
 moved by it.
 
 TO THE TATLER. O 
 
 This gives you a certain dignity peculiar to your 
 present situation, and makes the equity, even of a 
 Lord High Chancellor, appear but a degree towards 
 the magnanimity of a Peer of Great Britain. 
 
 Forgive me, my Lord, when I cannot conceal from 
 you, that I shall never hereafter behold you, but I 
 shall behold you, as lately, defending the brave and 
 the unfortunate*. 
 
 When we attend to your Lordship engaged in a 
 discourse, we cannot but reflect upon the many re- 
 quisites which the vain-glorious speakers of anti- 
 quity have demanded in a man who is to excel in 
 oratory; I say, my Lord, when we reflect upon the 
 precepts by viewing the example, though there is 
 no excellence proposed by those rhetoricians want- 
 ing, the whole art seems to be resolved into that one 
 motive of speaking, sincerity in the intention. The 
 graceful manner, the apt gesture, and the assumed 
 concern, are impotent helps to persuasion, in com- 
 parison of the honest countenance of him who utters 
 what he really means. From whence it is, that 
 all the beauties which others attain with labour, are 
 in your Lordship but the natural eft'ects of the heart 
 that dictates. 
 
 It is this noble simplicity, which makes you sur- 
 pass mankind in the faculties wherein mankind are 
 distinguished from other creatures, reason and speech. 
 
 If these gifts were communicated to all men in 
 proportion to the truth and ardour of their hearts, 
 I should speak of you with the same force as you 
 express yourself on any other subject. But I resist 
 my present impulse, as agreeable as it is to me ; 
 though indeed, had I any pretensions to a fame of 
 this kind, I should, above all other themes, attempt 
 a panegyrick upon my Lord Cowper : for the only 
 sure way to a reputation for eloquence, in an age 
 
 * The Duke of Marlborough. 
 B 3
 
 6 ORIGINAL DEDICATIONS 
 
 wherein that perfect orator lives, is to choose an 
 argument, upon which he himself must of necessity 
 be silent. I am, my Lord, 
 
 Your Lordship's most devoted, 
 
 most obedient, and most humble servant, 
 
 Richard Steele. 
 
 IV. TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 CHARLES, LORD HALIFAX. 
 
 From the Hovel at Hamplonwick, April 7, 1711. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 When I first resolved upon doing myself this ho- 
 nour, I could not but indulge a certain vanity in 
 dating from this little covert, where I have fre- 
 quently had the honour of your Lordship's company, 
 and received from you very many obligations. The 
 elegant solitude of this place, and the greatest plea- 
 sures of it, I owe to its being so near those beau- 
 tiful manors wherein you sometimes reside. It is 
 not retiring from the world, but enjoying its most 
 valuable blessings, when a man is permitted to share 
 in your Lordship's conversations in the country. 
 All the bright images which the Wits of past ages 
 have left behind them in their writings, the noble 
 plans which the greatest Statesmen have laid down 
 for administration of affairs, are equally the familiar 
 objects of your knowledge. But what is peculiar to 
 your Lordship above all the illustrious personages 
 that have appeared in any age, is, that wit and 
 learning have from your example fallen into a new 
 aera. Your patronage has produced those arts, which
 
 TO THE TATLER. 7 
 
 before shunned the commerce of the world, into the 
 service of life : and it is to you we owe, that the man 
 of wit has turned himself to be a man of business. 
 The false delicacy of men of genius, and the objec- 
 tions which others were apt to insinuate against 
 their abilities for entering into affairs, have equally 
 vanished. And experience has shown, that men of 
 letters are not only qualified with a greater capacity, 
 but also a greater integrity in the dispatch of business. 
 Your own studies have been diverted from being the 
 highest ornament, to the highest use to mankind ; 
 and the capacities which would have rendered you the 
 greatest poet of your age, have to the advantage of 
 Great Britain been employed in pursuits which have 
 made you the most able and unbiassed patriot. A 
 vigorous imagination, an extensive apprehension, and 
 a ready judgment, have distinguished you in all the 
 illustrious parts of administration, in a reign attended 
 with such difficulties, that the same talents, without 
 the same quickness in the possession of them, would 
 have been incapable of conquering. The natural 
 success of such abilities, has advanced you to a seat 
 in that illustrious house, where you were received by 
 a crowd of your relations. Great as you are in your 
 honours, and personal qualities, I know you will for- 
 give an humble neighbour the vanity of pretending to 
 a place in your friendship, and subscribing himself, 
 my Lord, 
 
 Your Lordship's most obliged, 
 
 and most devoted servant, 
 
 Richard Steele.
 
 8 STEELE'S PREFACE 
 
 PREFACE TO THE OCTAVO EDITION, 1710. 
 
 In the last Tatler I promised some explanation of 
 passages and persons mentioned in this work, as 
 well as some account of the assistances I have had 
 in the performance. I shall do this in very few 
 words ; for when a man has no design but to speak 
 plain truth, he may say a great deal in a very narrow 
 compass. I have, in the dedication of the first 
 volume, made my acknowledgments to Dr. Swift, 
 whose pleasant writings, in the name of BickerstafF, 
 created an inclination in the town towards any thing 
 that could appear in the same disguise. I must ac- 
 knowledge also, that, on my first entering upon this 
 work, a certain uncommon way of thinking, and a 
 turn in conversation peculiar to that agreeable gen- 
 tleman, rendered his company very advantageous to 
 one whose imagination was to be continually em- 
 ployed upon obvious and common subjects, though 
 at the same time obliged to treat of them in a new 
 and unbeaten method. His verses on the "Shower 
 in Town," and the " Description of the Morning," 
 are instances of the happiness of that genius, which 
 could raise such pleasing ideas upon occasions so 
 barren to an ordinary invention. 
 
 When I am upon the house of BickerstafF, I must 
 not forget that genealogy of the family sent to me by 
 the post, and written, as I since understand, by 
 Mr. Twisden, who died at the battle of Mons, and 
 has a monument in Westminster-abbey, suitable to 
 the respect which is due to his wit and his valour. 
 There are through the course of the work very many 
 incidents which were written by unknown corre- 
 spondents. Of this kind is the tale in the second 
 Tatler, and the epistle from Mr. Downes the prompter,
 
 TO THE TATLER. 9 
 
 with others which were very well received by the 
 publick. But 1 have only one gentleman, who will 
 be nameless, to thank for any frequent assistance to 
 me, which indeed it would have been barbarous in 
 him to have denied to one with whom he has lived 
 in an intimacy from childhood, considering the great 
 ease with which he is able to despatch the most en- 
 tertaining pieces of this nature. This good office he 
 performed with such force of genius, humour, wit, 
 and learning, that I fared like a distressed prince, 
 who calls in a powerful neighbour to his aid; I was 
 undone by my auxiliary; when I had once called him 
 in, I could not subsist without dependence on him. 
 
 The same hand writ the distinguishing characters 
 of men and women under the names of " Musical 
 Instruments," " The Distress of the News-writers," 
 " The Inventory of the Play-house," and " The 
 Description of the Thermometer," which I cannot but 
 look upon as the greatest embellishments of this work. 
 
 Thus far I thought necessary to say relating to 
 the great hands which have been concerned in these 
 volumes, with relation to the spirit and genius of 
 the work ; and am far from pretending to modesty 
 in making this acknowledgment. What a man ob- 
 tains from the good opinion and friendship of worthy 
 men, is a much greater honour than he can possibly 
 reap from any accomplishments of his own. But all 
 the credit of wit which was given me by the gentleman 
 above-mentioned, with whom I have now accounted, 
 has not been able to atone for the exceptions made 
 against me for some raillery in behalf of that learned 
 advocate for the episcopacy of the church, and the 
 liberty of the people, Mr. Hoadly. I mentioned this 
 only to defend myself against the imputation of being 
 moved rather by party than opinion ; and I think it is 
 apparent, I have with the utmost frankness allowed 
 merit wherever I found it, though joined in inter- 
 ests different from those for which I have declared
 
 10 STEELE S PREFACE. 
 
 myself. When my Favonius is acknowledged to 
 be Dr. Smalridge, and the amiable character of 
 the Dean in the sixty-sixth Tatler, drawn for Dr. 
 Atterbury ; I hope I need say no more as to my 
 impartiality. 
 
 I really have acted in these cases with honesty, 
 and am concerned it should be thought otherwise : 
 For wit, if a man had it, unless it be directed to 
 some useful end, is but a wanton frivolous quality ; 
 all that one should value himself upon in this kind 
 is, that he had some honourable intention in it. 
 
 As for this point, never hero in romance was 
 carried away with a more furious ambition to con- 
 quer giants and tyrants, than I have been in extir- 
 pating gamesters and duellists. And indeed, like 
 one of those knights too, though I was calm before, 
 I am apt to fly out again, when the thing that first 
 disturbed me is presented to my imagination. I 
 shall therefore leave off when I am well ; and fight 
 with windmills no more : only shall be so arrogant 
 as to say of myself, that, in spite of all the force of 
 fashion and prejudice, in the face of all the world, 
 I alone bewailed the condition of an English gen- 
 tlemen, whose fortune and life are at this day pre- 
 carious : while his estate is hable to the demands 
 of gamesters, through a false sense of justice ; and 
 to the demands of duellists, through a false sense 
 of honour. As to the first of these orders of men, 
 I have not one more word to say of them : as to 
 the latter, I shall conclude all I have more to offer 
 against them, with respect to their being prompted 
 by the fear of shame, by applying to the duellist 
 what I think Dr. South says somewhere of the liar, 
 " He is a coward to man, and a bravo to God."
 
 THE 
 
 T A T L E R. 
 
 N° 1. TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines- 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream. 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 ♦* Though the other papers, which are published 
 for the use of the good people of England, have cer- 
 tainly very wholesome effects, and are laudable in 
 their particular kinds, they do not seem to come up 
 to the main design of such narrations, which, I hum- 
 bly presume, should be principally intended for the 
 use of politic persons, who are so public spirited as 
 to neglect their own affairs to look into transactions 
 of state. Now these gentlemen, for the most part 
 being persons of strong zeal, and weak intellects, 
 it is both a charitable and necessary work to offer 
 something, whereby such worthy and well-affected 
 members of the commonwealth may be instructed, 
 after their reading, what to think : which shall be 
 the end and purpose of this my paper, wherein I 
 shall, from time to time, report and consider all 
 matters of what kind soever that shall occur to me, 
 and publish such my advices and reflections every 
 Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday in the week, for 
 the convenience of the post. 1 resolve to have 
 something which may be of entertainment to the
 
 12 TATLER. N° 1. 
 
 fair sex, in honour of whom I have invented* the 
 title of this paper. I therefore earnestly desire all 
 persons, without distinction, to take it in for the 
 present gratis, and hereafter at the price of one 
 penny, forbidding all Hawkers to take more for it 
 at their peril. And I desire all persons to consider, 
 that I am at a very great charge for proper materials 
 for tl;is work, as well as that, before I resolved 
 upon it, I had settled a correspondence in all parts 
 of the known and knowing world. And forasmuch 
 as this globe is not trodden upon by mere drudges 
 of business only, but that men of spirit and genius 
 are justly to be esteemed as considerable agents in 
 it, we shall not, upon a dearth of news, present 
 you with musty foreign edicts, or dull proclamations, 
 but shall divide our relation of the passages which 
 occur in action or discourse throughout this town, as 
 well as elsewhere, under such dates of places as 
 may prepare you for the matter you are to expect, in 
 the following manner. 
 
 " All accounts of gallantly, pleasure and enter- 
 tainment, shall be under the article of White's 
 Chocolate-house ;t poetry, under that of Will's 
 Coffee-house ;l learning, under the title of Grecian ;§ 
 foreign and domestic news, you will have from 
 Saint James's Coffee-house ; and what else I have 
 to offer on any other subject shall be dated from my 
 own apartment. 
 
 " I once more desire my reader to consider, that 
 as I cannot keep an ingenious man to go daily to 
 Will's under two-pence each day, merely for his 
 
 * taken. Original T. 
 
 t White's Cliocolate-liouse was then lower down in St. 
 James's-Street than it is at present, and on the other side. 
 
 t Will's Coffee-house was on the North side of Russel Street 
 in CoventGarden, now the house, No. 23, Great Russel Street. 
 
 § The Grecian was, and still is, in Devereux Court, in the 
 Strand.
 
 N° 1. TATLER. l3 
 
 charges ; to White's under six-pence ; nor to the 
 Grecian, without allowing him some plain Spanish, 
 to be as able as others at the learned table ; and that 
 a good observer cannot speak with even Kidney,* 
 at St. Jmaes's without clean linen ; I say, these con- 
 siderations will, I hope, make all persons willing to 
 comply with my humble request (when my gratis 
 stock is exhausted) of a penny a-piece ; especially 
 since they are sure of some proper amusement, and 
 that it is impossible for me to want means to enter- 
 tain them, having, besides the force of ray own 
 parts, the power of divination, and that I can, by 
 casting a figure, tell you all that will happen before 
 it comes to pass. 
 
 " But this last faculty I shall use very sparingly, 
 and speak but of few things until they are passed,! 
 for fear of divulging matters which may offend our 
 superiors." 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, Ajj?il 7. 
 
 The deplorable condition of a very pretty gentle- 
 man, who walks here at the hours when men of 
 quality first appear, is what is very much lamented. 
 His history is. That on the ninth of September, 
 1705, being in his one-and-twentieth year, he was 
 washing his teeth at a tavern window in Pall Mall, 
 when a fine equipage passed by, and in it a young 
 lady who looked up at him ; away goes the coach, 
 and the young gentleman pulled off' his night-cap, 
 and instead of rubbing his gums, as he ought to do, 
 out of the window until about four of the clock, 
 sits him down and spoke not a word until twelve at 
 night; after which he began to inquire if anybody 
 knew the lady ? — The company asked, what lady ? 
 but he said no more, until they broke up at six in 
 
 * Kidney was one of the waiters at St. James's ("ofTec-liouse. 
 t Not speak of any tiling till it is passed. Original T. 
 VOL. I. C
 
 o 
 
 14 TATLER. N 
 
 the morning". All the ensuing winter he went from 
 church to church eveiy Sunday, and from play- 
 house to play-house every night in the week ; but 
 could never find the original of the picture which 
 dwelt in his bosom. In a word his attention to 
 any thing but his passion was utterly gone. He has 
 lost all the money he ever played for, and been con- 
 futed in every argument he has entered upon, since 
 the moment he first saw her. He is of a noble 
 family, has naturally a very good air, and is of a 
 frank honest temper : but this passion has so ex- 
 tremely mauled him, that his features are set and 
 uninformed, and his whole visage is deadened, by 
 a long absence of thought. He never appears in 
 any alacrity, but when raised by wine ; at which 
 time he is sure to come hither, and throw away a 
 great deal of wit on fellows who have no sense 
 farther than just to observe, that our poor Lover has 
 most understanding when he is drunk, and is least 
 in his senses when he is sober.* 
 
 The reader is desired to take notice of the article 
 from this place from time to time, for I design to 
 be very exact in the progress this unhappy gentleman 
 makes, which may be of great instruction to all who 
 actually are, or who ever shall be in love. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, April 8. 
 
 On Thursday last was acted, for the benefit of 
 Mr. Betterton, the celebrated comedy called Love 
 for Love. Those excellent players, Mrs. Barry, 
 Mrs. Bracegirdle, and Mr. Dogget, though not at 
 present concerned in the house, acted on that oc- 
 casion. There has not been known so great a con- 
 course of persons of distinction as at that time ; the 
 
 * Edward Lord Viscount Hinchinbroke, mentioned after- 
 wards under the name of Cynthio. He died in the life-time 
 of his father, Oct. 3, 1722.
 
 N®1. TATLER. 15 
 
 stage itself was covered with gentlemen and ladies, 
 and when the curtain was drawn, it discovered even 
 there a very splendid audience. This unusual en- 
 couragement, which was given to a play for the 
 advantage of so great an actor, gives an undeniable 
 instance, that the true relish for manly entertainments 
 and rational pleasures is not wholly lost. All the 
 parts were acted to perfection ; the actors were 
 careful of their carriage, and no one was guilty of 
 the affectation to insert witticisms of his own ; but 
 a due respect was had to the audience, for encou- 
 raging this accomplished player. It is not now 
 doubted but plays will revive, and take their usual 
 place in the opinion of persons of wit and merit, 
 notwithstanding their late apostacy in favour of 
 dress and sound. This place is very much altered 
 since Mr. Dryden frequented it ; where you used to 
 see songs, epigrams, and satires, in the hands of 
 every man you met, you have now only a pack of 
 cards ; and instead of the cavils about the turn of 
 the expression, the elegance of the style, and the 
 like, the learned now dispute only about the truth 
 of the game. But however the company is altered, 
 all have shown a great respect for Mr. Betterton : 
 and the very gaming part of this house have been 
 so touched with a sense of the uncertainty of human 
 affairs (which alter with themselves every moment) 
 that in this gentleman they pitied Mark Anthony of 
 Rome, Hamlet of Denmark, Mithridates of Pontus, 
 Theodosius of Greece, and Henry the Eighth of 
 England. It is well known, he has been in the 
 condition of each of those illustrious personages for 
 several hours together, and behaved himself in those 
 high stations, in all the changes of the scene, with 
 suitable dignity. For these reasons, we intend to 
 repeat this late favour to him on a proper occasion, 
 lest he, who can instruct us so well in personating 
 feigned sorrows, should be lost to us by suffering 
 
 c 2
 
 IG TATLER. N° 1. 
 
 under real ones. The town is at present in very 
 great expectation of seeing a comedy now in re- 
 hearsal, which is the twenty-fifth production of my 
 honoured friend Mr. Thomas D' Urfey ; who, be- 
 sides his great abilities in the dramatic, has a 
 peculiar talent in the lyric way of writing, and tliat 
 with a manner wholly new and unknown to the 
 ancient Greeks and Romans, wherein he is but 
 faintly imitated in the translations of the modern 
 Italian Operas. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, April 11. 
 Letters from the Hague of the sixteenth say, that 
 Major General Cadogan was gone to Brussels, with 
 orders to disperse proper instructions for assembling 
 the whole force of the allies in Flanders, in the 
 beginning of the next month. The late offers con- 
 cerning peace were made in the style of persons who 
 think themselves upon equal terms : but the allies 
 have so just a sense of present advantages, that they 
 will not admit of a treaty, except France offers 
 what is more suitable to her present condition. At 
 the same time we make preparations, as if we were 
 alarmed by a greater force than that which we are 
 carrying into the field. Thus this point seems now 
 to be argued sword in hand. This was what a great 
 general* alluded to, when being asked the name of 
 those who were to be plenopotentiaries for the ensuing 
 peace, he answered with a serious air, *' There are 
 about an hundred thousand of us." Mr. Kidney, 
 who has the ear of the greatest politicians that come 
 Ijither, tells me there is a mail come in to-day with 
 letters, dated Hague, April the nineteenth, N. S. 
 which say, a design of bringing part of our troops 
 into the field, at the latter end of this month, is now 
 altered to a resolution of marching towards the camp 
 about the twentieth of the next. Prince Eugene 
 
 * The Duke of Marlborough.
 
 N° 1. TATLER. 17 
 
 was then returned thither from Amsterdam. He 
 sets out from Brussels on Tuesday : the greater 
 number of the general officers at the Hague have 
 orders to go at the same time. The squadron of 
 Dunkirk consists of seven vessels. There happened 
 the other day, in the road of Scheveling, an engage- 
 ment between a privateer of Zeeland and one of 
 Dunkirk. The Dunkirker, carrying thirty-three 
 pieces of cannon, was taken and brought into the 
 Texel. It is said the courier of Monsieur Rouille 
 is returned to him from the Court of France. Mon- 
 sieur Vendosme, being re-instated in the favour of 
 the Dutchess of Burgundy, is to command in 
 Flanders. 
 
 Mr. Kidney added, that there were letters of the 
 seventeenth from Ghent, which give an account, 
 that the enemy had formed a design to surprise two 
 battalions of the allies which lay at Alost : but 
 those battalions received advice of their march and 
 retired to Dendermond. Lieutenant General Wood 
 appeared on this occasion at the head of five 
 thousand foot, and one thousand horse ; upon which 
 the enemy withdrew, without making any farther 
 attempt. 
 
 From my own Apartment. 
 
 I am sorry I am obliged to trouble the publick 
 with so much discourse upon a matter which 1 at 
 the very first mentioned as a trifle, viz. the death of 
 Mr. Partridge,* under whose name there is an 
 almanack come out for the year 1709 ; in one page 
 of which is asserted by the said John Partridge, that 
 he is still living, and not only so, but that he was 
 
 * Dr. Swift, in his " Predictions for 1708," foretold that 
 Partridge the almanack-maker would infallibly die on the 
 29th of March, about eleven at night, of a raging fever. The 
 wits resolved to support tliis prediction, and uniformly insisted 
 that Partridge actually died at that time. 
 
 c 3
 
 18 TATLER. N° 1. 
 
 also living some time before, and even at the instant 
 when I writ of his death. 1 have in another place, 
 and in a paper by itself, sufficiently convinced this 
 man that he is dead, and if he has any shame, I 
 do not doubt but that by this time he owns it to all 
 his acquaintance ; for though the legs and arms and 
 whole body of that man may still appear, and per- 
 form their animal functions ; yet since, as I have 
 elsewhere observed, his art is gone, the man is gone. 
 T am, as I said, concerned, that this little matter 
 should make so much noise ; but since I am en- 
 gaged, I take myself obliged in honour to go on in 
 my lucubrations, and by the help of these arts of 
 which I am master, as well as my skill in astrolo- 
 gical speculations, I shall, as I see occasion, pro- 
 ceed to confute other dead men, who pretend to be 
 in being, although they are actually deceased. I 
 therefore give all men fair warning to mend their 
 manners ; for I shall from time to time print bills of 
 mortality : and I beg the pardon of all such who 
 shall be named therein, if they who are good for 
 nothing shall find themselves in the number of the 
 deceased. 
 
 N° 2. SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85,80. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream. 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. 1'. 
 
 Wills Coffee- House, April 13. 
 
 There has lain all this evening on the table the 
 following poern. The subject of it being matter 
 very useful for families, I thought it deserved to be
 
 N° 2. TATLER, 19 
 
 considered and made more public. The turn the poet 
 gives it is very happy ; but the foundation is from a 
 real accident which happened amongst my acquaint- 
 ance. A young Gentleman of great estate fell des- 
 perately in love with a great Beauty of very high 
 quality, but as ill-natured as long flattery and an 
 habitual self-will could make her. However, my 
 young spark ventures upon her like a man of qua- 
 lity, without being acquainted with her, or having 
 ever saluted her, until it was a crime to kiss any 
 woman else. Beauty is a thing which palls with 
 possession : and the charms of this lady soon wanted 
 the support of good-humour and complacency of 
 manners : upon this my Spark flies to the bottle 
 for relief from satiety. She disdains him, for being 
 tired with that for which all men envied him ; and 
 he never came home, but it was — " Was there no 
 sot that would stay longer ? would any man living 
 but you ? did I leave all the world for this usage ?" 
 to which he — " Madam, split me, you are very 
 impertinent!" In a word, this match was wedlock 
 in its most terrible appearances. She, at last, weary 
 of railing to no purpose, applies to a good uncle, 
 who gives her a bottle, he pretended he had bought 
 of Mr. Partridge, the conjuror. This, said he, T 
 gave ten guineas for. The virtue of the enchanted 
 liquor (said he that sold it) is such, that if the 
 woman you marry proves a scold (which, it seems, 
 my dear niece, is your misfortune; as it was your 
 good mother's before you), let her hold three spoon- 
 fuls in lier mouth for a full half hour after you come 
 home — but I And I am not in humour for telling a 
 tale : and nothing in nature is so ungraceful as 
 story-telling against the grain ; therefore take it as 
 tha author has given it to you*. 
 
 * These verses are by Mr. William Harrison.
 
 20 TATLEiv. N 2. 
 
 THE MEDICINE. A Tale— for the Ladies. 
 
 Miss MoUv, a fam'd Toast, was fair and young, 
 Had wealth and charms— but then she had a tongue ! 
 From morn to night th' eternal larum run. 
 Which often lost those hearts her eyes had won. 
 Sir John was smitten, and confess'd his flame, 
 Sigh'd out the usual time, then wed the dame ; 
 Possess'd, he thought, of ev'ry joy of life : 
 But his dear Molly prov'd a very wife. 
 Excess of fondness did in time decline. 
 Madam lov'd money, and the Knight lov'd wine : 
 From whence some petty discord would arise, ^ 
 
 As, " You 're a fool '."—and, " You are mighty wise! ^ 
 
 Though he and all the world allow'd her wit, 
 Her voice was shrill, and rather loud than sweet ; 
 When she began, for hat and sword he'd call. 
 Then after a faint kiss cry, " B'ye, dear Moll : 
 Supper and friends expect me at the Rose." 
 " And what, Sir John, you'll get your usual dose! 
 Go, stink of smoke, and guzzle nasty wine : ^ 
 Sure, never virtuous love was used like mine! 
 
 Oft as the watchful bellman marched his round, 
 At a fresh bottle gay Sir John he found. 
 By four the knight would get his business done, 
 And only then reel'd off- because alone ; 
 Full well he knew the dreadful storm to come ; 
 
 But, arm'd with Bourdeux, he durst venture home. 
 
 My lady with her tongue was still prepar'd. 
 She rattled loud, and he impatient heard : 
 
 " 'Tis a fine hour ! in a sweet pickle made ! 
 
 And this, Sir John, is every day the trade. 
 
 Here I sit moping all the live-long night, 
 
 Devour 'd with spleen, and stranger to delight ; 
 
 'Till morn sends staggering home a drunken beast, 
 
 Resolv'd to break my heart, as well as rest." 
 
 " Hey ! hoop ! d' je hear my damn'd obstreperous spouse ; 
 
 What, can't you find one bed about the house? 
 
 Will that perpetual clack lie never still ! 
 
 That rival to the softness of a mill ! 
 
 Some couch and distant room must be my choice, ^^ 
 
 Where I may sleep uncurs'd with wife and noise. ' 
 Lon.-^ this uncomfortable life they led, 
 
 With snarling meals, and each a sep'rate bed. 
 
 To an old uncle oft she would complain. 
 
 Beg his advice, and scarce from tears refrain,
 
 K° 2. TATLER. 21 
 
 Old Wisewood smok'd the matter as it was : 
 
 " Clieer up !" cry'd he, " and I'll remove the cause. 
 
 A wondrous spring within my garden flows, 
 Of sovereign virtue, chiefly to compose 
 Domestic jars, and matrimonial strife ; 
 Tlie best elixir t' appease man and wife ; 
 Strange are th' efl'ects, the qualities divine : 
 'Tis water call'd, but worth its weight iu wine. 
 If in his sullen airs Sir John should come, 
 Three spoonfuls take, hold in your mouth— then mum. 
 Smile, and look pleas'd, when he shall rage and scold ; 
 Still in your mouth the liealing cordial hold ; 
 One month this sympathetic med'cine try'd, 
 He'll grow a lover, you a happy bride. 
 But, dearest niece, keep this grand secret close, 
 Or every prattling hussy '11 beg a dose." 
 
 A water bottle 's brought for her relief; 
 Not Nants could sooner ease the lady's grief: 
 Her busy thoughts are on the trial bent. 
 And, female like, impatient for th' event. 
 
 The bonny knight reels home exceeding clear, 
 Prepar'd for clamour and domestic war ; 
 Entering, he cries, " Hey ! where 's our thunder fled f 
 No hurricane ! Betty, 's your lady dead ?" 
 Madam, aside, an ample mouthful takes, 
 Curt'sies, looks kind, but not a word she speaks : 
 Wondering, he star'd, scarcely his eyes believ'd, 
 
 But found his ears agreeably deceiv'd. 
 
 " Why how now, Molly, what 's the crotchet now ?" 
 
 She smiles, and answers only with a bow. 
 
 Then, clasping her about, " Why, let me die ! 
 
 These night-cloaths, Moll, become thee mightily!" 
 
 With that he sigh'd, her hand begun to press, 
 
 And Betty calls, her lady to undress. 
 
 " Nay, kiss me, Molly — for I'm much inclin'd." 
 
 Her lace she cuts, to take him in the mind : 
 
 Thus the fond pair to bed enamour'd went, 
 
 The lady pleas'd, and the good knight content. 
 For many days these fond endearments past. 
 
 The reconciling bottle fails at last; 
 
 'Twas us'd and gone — then midnight storms arose, 
 
 And looks and words the union discompose. 
 
 Her coach is order'd, and post haste she flies, 
 
 To beg her uncle for some fresh supplies ; 
 
 Transported does the strange effects relate, 
 
 Her knight's conversion, and her happy state \
 
 22 TATLER. N° 2. 
 
 " Why, niece," says he, " 1 pr'ythee apprehend, 
 The water's water — be thyself the friend. 
 Such beauty would the coldest husband warm ; 
 But your provoking tongue undoes the charm : 
 Be silent and complying ; you'll soon find, 
 Sir John without a med'cine will be kind." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, April 13. 
 
 Letters from Venice say, the disappointment of 
 their expectation to see his Danish Majesty has very 
 much disquieted the Court of Rome. Our last ad- 
 vices from Germany inform us, that the Minister of 
 Hanover has urged the Council at Ratisbonne to 
 exert themselves in behalf of the common cause, 
 and taken the liberty to say. That the dignity, the 
 virtue, the prudence of his Electorial Highness, his 
 master, were called to the head of their affairs in 
 vain, if they thought fit to leave him naked of the 
 proper means, to make those excellencies useful for 
 the honour and safety of the empire. They write 
 from Berlin of the thirteenth, O. S. That the true 
 design of General Fleming's visit to that Court was, 
 to insinuate that it will be for the mutual interest of 
 the King of Prussia and King Augustus to enter into 
 a new alliance ; but that the Ministers of Prussia 
 are not inclined to his sentiments. We hear from 
 Vienna, that his Imperial Majesty has expressed 
 great satisfaction in their High Mightinesses having 
 communicated to him the whole that has passed in 
 the affair of a peace. Though there have been prac- 
 tices used by the agents of France, in all the Courts 
 of Europe, to break the good understanding of the 
 allies, they have had no other effect, but to make 
 all the members concerned in the alliance more 
 doubtful of their safety from the great offers of the 
 enemy. The Emperor is roused by this alarm, and 
 the frontiers of all the French dominions are in dan- 
 ger of being insulted the ensuing campaign. Ad- 
 vices from all parts confirm, that it is impossible for
 
 N*' 2. TATLER. 23 
 
 France to find a way to obtain so much credit, as to 
 gain any one potentate of the allies, or conceive any 
 hope for safety from other prospects. 
 
 From my own Apartment, April 13. 
 
 I find it of very great use, now I am setting up 
 for a writer of news, that I am an adept in astrolo- 
 gical speculations : by which means I avoid speak- 
 ing of things which may offend great persons. But, 
 at the same time, I must not prostitute the liberal 
 sciences so far, as not to utter the truth in cases 
 which do not immediately concern the good of my 
 native country. I must therefore contradict what 
 has been so assuredly reported by the news-writers 
 of England, That France is in the most deplorable 
 condition, and that their people die in great mul- 
 titudes. I will therefore let the world know, that 
 my correspondent, by the way of Brussels, informs 
 me upon his honour. That the gentleman who writes 
 the Gazette of Paris, and ought to know as well as 
 any man, has told him, that ever since the King has 
 been past his sixty-third year, or grand climacteric, 
 there has not died one man of the French nation who 
 was younger than his Majesty, except a very few, 
 who were taken suddenly near the village of Hockstet 
 in Germany; and some more, who were straitened 
 for lodging at a place called Ramilies, and died on 
 the road to Ghent and Bruges. There are also other 
 things given out by the allies, which are shifts below 
 a conquering nation to make use of. Among others 
 it is said. There is a general murmuring among the 
 people of France, though at the same time all my 
 letters agree, that there is so good an understanding 
 among them, that there is not one morsel carried out 
 of any market in the kingdom, but what is delivered 
 upon credit.
 
 •24 TATLER. N° 3. 
 
 N° 3. SATURDAY, APRIL Id, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Jiiv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 W hate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, April 14. 
 
 This evening the comedy called the Country Wife 
 was acted in Drury-lane, for the benefit of Mrs. 
 Bignell. The part which gives name to the play 
 was performed by herself. Through the whole action 
 she made a very pretty figure, and exactly entered 
 into the nature of the part. Her husband in the 
 drama, is represented to be one of those debauchees 
 who run through the vices of the town, and believe 
 when they think fit, they can marry and settle at 
 their ease. His own knowledge of the iniquity of 
 the age makes him choose a wife wholly ignorant 
 of it, and place his security in her want of skill to 
 abuse him. The poet, on many occasions, where the 
 propriety of the character will admit of it, insinuates, 
 that there is no defence against vice but the contempt 
 of it; and has, in the natural ideas of an untainted 
 innocent, shown the gradual steps to ruin and de- 
 struction which persons of condition run into, without 
 the help of a good education to form their conduct. 
 The torment of a jealous coxcomb, which arises from 
 his own false maxims, and the aggravation of his 
 pain by the very words in which he sees her inno- 
 cence, makes a very pleasant and instructive satire. 
 The character of Horner, and the design of it, is a 
 good representation of the age in which that co- 
 medy was written ; at which time love and wenching 
 were the business of life, and the gallant manner of
 
 N° 3. TATLER. 25 
 
 pursuing women was the best recommendation at 
 Court. To this only it is to be imputed, that a 
 gentleman of Mr. Wycherley's character and sense 
 condescends to represent the insults done to the ho- 
 nour of the bed, without just reproof: but to have 
 drawn a man of probity with regard to such conside- 
 rations had been a monster, and a poet had at that 
 time discovered his want of knowing the manners of 
 the Court he lived in, by a virtuous character in his 
 fine gentleman, as he would show his ignorance, by 
 drawing a vicious one to please the present audience. 
 Mrs. Bignell did her part very happily, and had a 
 certain grace in her rusticity, which gave us hopes 
 of seeing her a very skilful player, and in some parts 
 supply our loss of Mrs. Verbruggen. I cannot be 
 of the same opinion with my friends and fellow- 
 labourers, the ileformers of Manners, in their seve- 
 rity towards plays ; but must allow, that a good 
 play acted before a well-bred audience, must raise 
 very proper incitements to good behaviour, and be 
 the most quick and most prevailing method of giving 
 young people a turn of sense and breeding. But as 
 1 have set up for a weekly historian, I resolve to be 
 a faithful one ; and therefore take this public occasion 
 to admonish a young nobleman, who came flustered 
 into the box last night, and let him know how much 
 all his friends were out of countenance for him. The 
 women sat in terror of hearing something that should 
 shock their modesty, and all the gentlemen in as much 
 pain out of comj)assion to the ladies, and perhaps 
 resentment for the indignity which was oft'ered in 
 coming into their presence in so disrespectful a man- 
 ner. Wine made him say nothing that was rude, 
 therefore he is forgiven, upon condition he never 
 will hazard liis olfending more in this kind. As I 
 just now hinted, I own myself of the " Society for 
 Reformation of Manners." We have lower instru- 
 ments than those of the family of Bickerstalf, for 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 26 TATLER. N° 3. 
 
 punishing great crimes, and exposing the abandoned. 
 Therefore, as I design to have notices from all public 
 assemblies, I shall take upon me only indecorums, 
 improprieties, and negligences, in such as should 
 give us better examples. After this declaration, if 
 a fine lady thinks fit to gigle at church, or a great 
 beau come in drunk to a play, either shall be sure to 
 hear of it in my ensuing paper. For, merely as a 
 well-bred man, I cannot bear these enormities. 
 
 After the play we naturally stroll to this coffee- 
 house, in hopes of meeting some new poem, or other 
 entertainment, among the men of wit and pleasure, 
 where there is a dearth at present. But it is wonder- 
 ful there should be so few writers, when the art is 
 become merely mechanic, and men may make them- 
 selves great that way, by as certain and infallible 
 rules as you may be a joiner or a mason. There hap- 
 pens a good instance of this in what the hawker has 
 just now offered to sale, to wit, " Instructions to 
 Vanderbank; a Sequel to the Advice to the Poets; 
 a Poem, occasioned by the glorious success of her 
 Majesty's arms, under the command of the Duke of 
 Marlborough, the last year in Flanders." * Here you 
 are to understand, that the author, finding the poets 
 would not take his advice, troubles himself no more 
 about them; but has met with one Vanderbank, who 
 works in arras, and makes very good tapestry hang- 
 ings : therefore, in order to celebrate the hero of the 
 age, he claps together all that can be said of a man 
 that makes hangings : 
 
 Then, artist, who does Nature's face express 
 
 In silk and gold, and scenes of action dress ; 
 
 Dost figur'd arras animated leave, 
 
 Spin a'bright story, or a passion weave ; . 
 
 By mingling threads, canst mingle shade and light, 
 
 Delineate triumphs, or describe a fight.' 
 
 * By Sir Richard Blackmore,
 
 N° 3. TATLER. 27 
 
 Well, what shall this workman do ? why ? to show 
 how great an hero the poet intends, he provides him 
 a very good horse : 
 
 Champing his foam, and bounding on the plain, 
 Arch his high neck, and graceful spread his mane. 
 
 Now as to the intrepidity, the calm courage, the 
 constant application of the hero, it is not necessary 
 to take that upon yourself; you may, in the lump, 
 bid him you employ, raise him as high as he can ; 
 and if he does it not, let him answer for disobeying 
 orders. 
 
 Let fame and victory in inferior sky 
 Hover with balanc'd wings, and smiling fly 
 Above his head, &c. 
 
 A whole poem of this kind may be ready against 
 an ensuing campaign, as well as a space left in the 
 canvas of a piece of tapestry for the principal figure, 
 while the under-parts are working ; so that, in ef- 
 fect, the adviser copies after the man he pretends 
 to direct. This method should, methinks, encou- 
 rage young beginners : for the invention is so fitted 
 to all capacities, that by the help of it a man may 
 make a receipt for a poem. A young man may ob- 
 serve that the jig of the thing is, as 1 said, finding 
 out all that can be said in his way whom you em- 
 ploy to set forth your worthy. Waller and Denham 
 had worn out the expedience of " Advice to a 
 Painter:" this author has transferred the work, 
 and sent his Advice to the Poets ; that is to say, 
 to the Turners of Verse, as he calls them. Well ; 
 that thought is worn out also ; therefore he directs 
 his genius to the loom, and will have a new set of 
 hangings in honour of the last year in Flanders. I 
 must own to you, I approve extremely this inven- 
 tion, and it might be improved for the benefit of 
 manufactory ; as, suppose an ingenious gentleman 
 should write a poem of advice to a Callico-printer;
 
 28 TATLER. N° 3. 
 
 do you think there is a girl in England, that would 
 wear any thing but the " Taking of Lisle," or, 
 " The Battle of Oudenarde?" They would cer- 
 tainly be all the fashion, until the heroes abroad had 
 cut out some more patterns. I should fancy small 
 skirmishes might do for under-petticoats, provided 
 they had a siege for the upper. If our adviser were 
 well imitated, many industrious people might be put 
 to work. Little Mr. Dactile, now in the room, who 
 formerly writ a song and a half, is a week gone in a 
 very pretty work, upon this hint : he is writing an 
 epigram to a young virgin who knits very well (it is 
 a thousand pities he is a Jacobite) : but his epigram 
 is by way of advice to this damsel, to knit all the 
 actions of the Pretender and the Duke of Bur- 
 gundy's last campaign in the clock of a stocking. 
 It were endless to enumerate the many hands and 
 trades that may be employed by poets, of so useful 
 a turn as this adviser. I shall think of it ; and, in 
 this time of taxes, shall consult a great critic em- 
 ployed in the custom-house, in order to propose 
 what tax may be proper to be put upon knives, seals, 
 rings, hangings, wrought beds, gowns, and petti- 
 coats, where any of these commodities bear mottoes, 
 or are worked upon poetical grounds. 
 
 St> Jameses Coffee-ho7ise, April 15. 
 
 Letters from Turin of the third instant, N. S. 
 inform us, that his Royal Highness* employs all 
 his address in alarming the enemy, and perplexing 
 their speculations concerning his real designs the 
 ensuing campaign. Contracts are entered into with 
 the merchants of Milan, for a great number of mules 
 to transport his provisions and ammunition. His 
 Royal Highness has ordered the train of artillery to 
 be conveyed to Susa before the twentieth of the next 
 
 * Prince Eugene.
 
 N° 3. TATLER. 29 
 
 month. In the mean time, all accounts agree, that 
 the enemy are very backward in their preparations, 
 and almost incapable of defending themselves against 
 an invasion, by reason of the general murmurs of 
 their own people ; which they find, are no way to 
 be quieted, but by giving them hopes of a speedy 
 peace. When these letters were despatched, the 
 Marshal de Thesse was arrived at Genoa, where he 
 has taken much pains to keep the correspondents of 
 the merchants of France in hopes, that measures will 
 be found out to support the credit and commerce 
 between that state and Lyons ; but the late declara- 
 tion of the agents of Monsieur Bernard, that they 
 cannot discharge the demands made upon them, has 
 quite dispirited all those who are engaged in the re- 
 mittances of France. 
 
 From my own Apartment, April 15. 
 
 It is a very natural passion in all good members 
 of the commonwealth, to take what care they can of 
 their families ; therefore I hope the reader will for- 
 give me, that I desire he would go to the play called 
 the Stratagem this evening, which is to he acted for 
 the benefit of my near kinsman, Mr. John Bicker- 
 staff.* I protest to you, the gentleman has not 
 spoken to me to desire this favour ; but I have a 
 respect for him, as well in regard to consanguinity, 
 as that he is an intimate friend of that famous and 
 heroic actor, Mr. George Powel ; who formerly 
 played Alexander the Great in all places, though 
 he is lately grown so reserved, as to act it only on 
 the stage. 
 
 * A real player of that name.
 
 30 TATLER N° 4. 
 
 N° 4. TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid ttgunt homines 
 
 nosti'i est farrago libeUi, 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 " It is usual with persons who mount the stage for 
 the cure or information of the crowd about them, to 
 make solemn professions of their being wholly disin- 
 terested in the pains they take for the public good. 
 At the same time, those very men who make 
 harangues in plush doublets, and extol their own 
 abilities and generous inclinations, tear their lungs 
 in vending a drug, and show no act of bounty, except 
 it be, that they lower a demand of a crown to six, 
 nay, to one penny. We have a contempt for such 
 paltry barterers, and have therefore all along informed 
 the publick, that we intend to give them our advices 
 for our own sakes, and are labouring to make our 
 lucubrations come to some price in money, for our 
 more convenient support in the service of the pub- 
 lick. It is certain that many other schemes have 
 been proposed to me, as a friend offered to show me 
 a Treatise he had writ, which he called, " The whole- 
 Art of Life; or. The introduction to great Men, 
 illustrated in a Pack of Cards." But, being a 
 novice at all manner of play, I declined the offer. 
 Another advised me, for want of money, to set up 
 my coach, and practise physic ; but, having been 
 bred a scholar, 1 feared I should not succeed that 
 way neither; therefore resolved to go on in my pre- 
 sent project. But you are to understand, that I 
 shall not pretend to raise a credit to this work upon 
 the weight of my politic news only, but as my Latin
 
 N° 4. TATLER. 31 
 
 sentence in the title-page int'orius you, shall take any 
 thing that offers for the subject of my discourse. Thus 
 new persons, as well as new things, are to come 
 under my consideration ; as when a Toast or Wit is 
 first pronounced such, you shall have the freshest 
 advice of their preferment from me, with a descrip- 
 tion of the Beauty's manners, and the Wit's style, 
 as also in whose places they are advanced : for this 
 town is never good-natured enough to raise one 
 without depressing another. But it is my design to 
 avoid saying any thing of any person, which ought 
 justly to displease ; but shall endeavour, by the 
 variety of the matter and style, to give entertain- 
 ment for men of pleasure, without offence to those 
 of business." 
 
 Whitens Chocolate-house, April 18. 
 
 All hearts at present pant for two ladies only, 
 who have for some time engrossed the dominion of 
 the town. They are indeed both exceeding charm- 
 ing, but differ very much in their excellencies. The 
 beauty of Clarissa is soft, that of Chloe piercing. 
 When you look at Clarissa, you see the most exact 
 harmony of feature, complexion and shape ; you 
 find in Chloe nothing extraordinary in any one of 
 those particulars, but the whole woman irresistible. 
 Clarissa looks languishing ; Chloe kissing ; Clarissa 
 never fails of gaining admiration ; Chloe of moving- 
 desire. The gazers at Clarissa are at first uncon- 
 cerned, as if they were observing a fine picture ; 
 they who behold Chloe, at the first glance discover 
 transport, as if they met their dearest friend. These 
 different perfections are suitably represented by the 
 last great painter Italy has sent us, Mr. Jervas. 
 Clarissa is by that skilful hand placed in a manner 
 that looks artless, and innocent of the torments she 
 gives ; Chloe is drawn with a liveliness that shows 
 she is conscious of, but not affected with, her per-
 
 32 TATLER. n'^ 4. 
 
 fections, Clarissa is a shepherdess, Chloe, a coun- 
 try girl. I mvist own, the design of Chloe's picture 
 shows to me, great mastery in the painter; for 
 nothing coukl be better imagined than the dress he 
 has given her, of a straw-hat and a ribbon, to repre- 
 sent that sort of beauty which enters the heart with 
 a certain familiarity, and cheats it into a belief that 
 it has received a lover as well as an object of love. 
 The force of their different beauties is seen also in 
 the effects it makes on their lovers. The admirers 
 of Chloe are eternally gay and well-pleased ; those 
 of Clarissa melancholy and thoughtful. And as 
 this passion always changes the natural man inta 
 a quite different creature from what he was before, 
 the love of Chloe makes coxcombs ; that of Clarissa 
 madmen. There were of each kind Just now in 
 this room. Here was one that whistles, laughs, 
 sings, and cuts capers, for love of Chloe. Another 
 has just now writ three lines to Clarissa, then taken 
 a turn in the garden, then came back again, then 
 tore his fragment, then called for some chocolate, 
 then went away without it. 
 
 Chloe has so many admirers in the house at pre- 
 sent, that there is too much noise to proceed in my 
 narration ; so that the progress of the loves of Cla- 
 rissa and Chloe, together with the bottles that are 
 drunk each night for the one, and the many sighs 
 which are uttered, and songs written on the other, 
 must be our subject on future occasions. 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, April 18. 
 
 Letters from the Hay -market inform us, that, on 
 Saturday night last, the opera of Pyrrhus and De- 
 metrius was performed with great applause. This 
 intelligence is not very acceptable to us friends of 
 the theatre ; for the stage being an entertainment of 
 the reason and all our faculties, this way of being 
 pleased with the suspense of them for three hours
 
 N" 4. TATLER. 33 
 
 together, and being given up to the shallow satis- 
 faction of the eyes and ears only, seems to arise 
 rather from the degeneracy of our understanding, 
 than an improvement of our diversions. That the 
 understanding has no part in the pleasure is evident, 
 from what these letters very positively assert, to wit, 
 that a great part of the performance was done in 
 Italian : and a great critick* fell into fits in tho 
 gallery, at seeing, not only time and place, but 
 languages and nations, confused in the most incor- 
 rigible manner. His spleen is so extremely moved 
 on this occasion, that he is going to publish another 
 treatise against operas, which, he thinks, have already 
 inclined us to thoughts of peace, and if tolerated, 
 must infallibly dispirit us from carrying on the war. 
 He has communicated his scheme to the whole 
 room, and declared in what manner things of this 
 kind were first introduced. He has upon this 
 occasion considered the nature of sounds in general, 
 and made a very elaborate digression upon the 
 London Cries, wherein he has shown, from reason 
 and philosophy, why oysters are cried, card-matches 
 sung, and turneps and all other vegetables neither 
 cried, sung, nor said, but sold, with an accent and 
 tone neither natural to man nor beast. This piece 
 seems to be taken from the model of that excellent 
 discourse of Mrs. Manlyf the school-mistress, con- 
 cerning samplers. Advices from the upper end of 
 Piccadilly say, that May Fair is utterly abolished ; 
 and we hear Mr. Penkethman has removed his in- 
 genious company of strollers to Greenwich. But 
 other letters from Deptford say, the company is only 
 making thither, and not yet settled ; but that several 
 heathen gods and goddesses, which are to descend 
 
 * John Dennis. 
 
 + See, in Dr. King's works, vol. II. 8vo. edit. 177C, " An 
 Essay on the Invention of Samplers, by Mrs. Arabella Manly, 
 School-mistress at Hackney."
 
 34 TATLER. N° 4. 
 
 in machines, landed at the King's Head Stairs last 
 Saturday. Venus and Cupid went on foot from 
 thence to Greenwich; Mars got drunk in the town, 
 and broke his landlord's head, for which he sat in 
 the stocks the whole evening ; but Mr. Penketh 
 man giving security that he should do nothing this 
 ensuing summer, he was set at liberty. The most 
 melancholy part of all was, that Diana was taken in 
 the act of fornication with a boatman, and com- 
 mitted by justice Wrathful; which has, it seems, 
 put a stop to the diversions of the theatre of Black- 
 heath. But there goes down another Diana and a 
 Patient Grissel next tide from Billingsgate. 
 
 It is credibly reported that Mr. D y* has 
 
 agreed with Mr. Penkethman to have his play acted 
 before that audience as soon as it has had its first 
 sixteen days' run in Drury Lane. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, April 18. 
 
 They write from Saxony of the thirteenth instant, 
 N. S. that the grand general of the Crown of 
 Poland was so far from entering into a treaty with 
 king Stanislaus, that he had written circular letters, 
 wherein he exhorted the Palatines to join against 
 him ; declaring that this was the most favourable 
 conjuncture for asserting their liberty. 
 
 Letters from the Hague of the twenty-third in- 
 stant, N. S. say, they have advices from Vienna, 
 which import, that his Electoral Highness of Han- 
 over had signified to the Imperial Court, that he 
 did not intend to put himself at the head of the 
 troops of the Empire, except more eflectual mea- 
 sures were taken for acting vigorously against the 
 enemy the ensuing campaign. Upon this repre- 
 sentation the Emperor has given orders to several 
 regiments to march towards the Rhine, and dis- 
 patched expresses to the respective princes of the 
 empire, to desire an augmentation of their forces. 
 
 Tom D'Urfey.
 
 N° 4, TATLER. 35 
 
 These letters add, that an express arrived at tlie 
 Hague on the twentieth instant, with advice, that 
 the enemy having made a detachment from Tournay, 
 of fifteen hundred horse, each trooper carrying a 
 foot soldier behind him, in order to surprize the 
 garrison of Alost; the allies, upon notice of their 
 march, sent out a strong body of troops from Ghent, 
 which engaged the enemy at Asche, and took two 
 hundred of them prisoners, obliging the rest to 
 retire without making any farther attempt. On the 
 twenty-second, in the morning, a fleet of merchant 
 ships coming from Scotland were attacked by six 
 French privateers at the entrance of the Meuse, 
 We have yet no certain advice of the event : but 
 letters from Rotterdam say, that a Dutch man of 
 war, of forty guns, which was convoy to the said 
 fleet, was taken, as were also eighteen of the mer- 
 chants. The Swiss troops in the service of the 
 States have coraplet; d the augmentation of their 
 respective companies. Those of Wirtemberg and 
 Prussia are expected on the frontiers within a few 
 days ; and the auxiliaries from Saxony, as also a 
 battalion of Holstcin, and another of Wolfenbuttle, 
 are advancing thither with an expedition. On the 
 twenty-first instant the Deputies of the States had 
 a conference near Woerden with the President 
 Rouille, but the matter which was therein debated 
 is not made public. His grace the Duke of Marl- 
 borough and Prince Eugene continue at the Hague. 
 
 From mij own Apartment, April 18, 
 I have already been very studious for intelligence, 
 and have just now, by my astrological flying post, 
 received a packet from Felicia,* an island in Ame- 
 rica, with an account that gives me great satisfac- 
 tion, and lets me understand, that the island was 
 never in greater prosperity, or the administration 
 in so good hands, since the death of their late 
 
 * In this allegorical paper, by Felicia is meant Britain.
 
 36 - TATLER. N° 5. 
 
 glorious King. These letters import, that the chief 
 Minister has entered into a firm league with the 
 ablest and best men of the nation, to carry on the 
 cause of liberty, to the encouragement of religion, 
 \irtue, and honour. Those persons at the helm are 
 so useful, and in themselves of such weight, that 
 their strict alliance must needs tend to the universal 
 prosperity of the people. Camillo,* it seems, pre- 
 sides over the deliberations of state ; and is so highly 
 valued by all men, for his singular probity, courage, 
 affability, and love of mankind, that his being placed 
 in that station has dissipated the fears of that people, 
 who of all the world are the most jealous of their 
 liberty and happiness, and the least provident for their 
 security. The next member of their society is Ho- 
 ratio, t who makes all the public dispatches. This 
 Minister is master of all the languages in use to 
 great perfection. He is held in the highest vene- 
 ration imaginable for a severe honesty, and love of 
 his country : he lives in a Court unsullied with any 
 of its artifices ; the refuge of the oppressed, and 
 terror of oppressors. Martio,J has joined himself 
 to this council ; a man of most undaunted resolu- 
 tion, and great knowledge in maritime afl'airs ; fa- 
 mous for destroying the navy of the Franks, § and 
 singularly happy in one particular, that he never 
 preferred a man who has not proved remarkably 
 serviceable to his country. Philander || is men- 
 tioned with particular distinction ; a nobleman who 
 has the most refined taste of the true pleasures and 
 elegance of life, joined to an indefatigable industry 
 in business ; a man eloquent in assemblies, agree- 
 able in conversation, and dexterous in all manner of 
 
 * John Lord Somers, President of the Council. 
 
 t Sidney Earl ol'Godolphin, Lord High Treasurer. 
 
 X Edward Russel, Earl of Oxford. 
 
 § At La Hogue, in 1692. 
 
 11 William Cavendish, Duke of Devonshire, Lord Steward 
 of the Household.
 
 N° 5. TATLER. 37 
 
 public negocitions. These letters add, that Ve- 
 rono,* who is also of this council, has lately set 
 sail to his government of Patricia, with design to 
 confirm the aftections of the people in the interests 
 of his Queen. This minister is master of great abi- 
 lities, and is as industrious and restless for the pre- 
 servation of the liberties of the people, as the greatest 
 enemy can be to subvert them. The influence of 
 these personages, who are men of such distinguished 
 parts and virtues, makes the people enjoy the utmost 
 tranquillity in the midst of a war, and gives them 
 undoubted hopes of a secure peace from their vigi- 
 lance and integrity. 
 
 Advertisement. 
 Upon the humble petition of running stationers, 
 &c. this Paper may be had of them, for the future, 
 at the price of one penny. f 
 
 N°5. TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 1709. 
 
 Qiiicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est fan-ago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. I*. 
 
 WJdte's Chocolate-house, April, 20. 
 
 " Who names that lost thing love, without a tear, 
 Since so debauch'd by ill-bred customs here? 
 To an exact perfection they have brought 
 The action love, the passion is forgot. 
 
 This was long ago a witty author's lamentation, 
 but the evil still continues; and, if a man of any 
 delicacy were to attend the discourses of the young 
 
 * Thomas, Earl of Wharton, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. 
 t Tlie preceding papers had been given gratis. 
 VOL. I. E
 
 ^8 TATLER. N° 5. 
 
 fellows of this age, he would believe there were 
 none but prostitutes to make the objects of passion. 
 So true it is what the author of the above verses 
 said, a little before his death, of the modern pre- 
 tenders to gallantry : '' they set up for wits in this 
 age, by saying, when they are sober, what they of 
 the last spoke only when they were drunk." But 
 Cupid is not only blind at present, but dead drunk ; 
 he has lost all his faculties ; else how should Celia 
 be so long a maid, with that agreeable behaviour ? 
 Corinna with that sprightly wit? Lesbia with that 
 heavenly voice ? and Saqharissa, with all those ex- 
 cellencies in one person, frequent the park, the 
 play, and murder the poor Tits that drag her to 
 public places, and not a man turn pale at her ap- 
 pearance? But such is the fallen state of love, that 
 if it were not for honest Cynthio, who is true to the 
 cause, we should hardly have a pattern left of the 
 ancient worthies that way : and indeed he has but 
 very little encouragement to persevere ; but he has 
 a devotion, rather than a love for his mistress, and 
 says, 
 
 " Only tell her that I love, 
 
 Leave the rest to her and fate ; 
 Some kind planet from above 
 May, perhaps, her passion move : 
 
 Lovers on their stars must wait." 
 
 But the stars I am so intimately acquainted with, 
 that I can assure him he will never have her : for, 
 v/ould you believe it? though Cynthio has wit, 
 good sense, fortune, and his very being depends 
 upon her, the termagant for whom he sighs is in 
 love with a fellow who stares in the glass all the 
 time he is with her, and lets her plainly see she 
 may possibly be liis rival, but never his mistress. 
 Yet Cynthio, the same unhappy man whom I men- 
 tioned in my first narrative, pleases himself with a 
 vain imagination that, with the language of his
 
 N° 5. TATLEK. St) 
 
 eyes, now he has found who she is, he shall con- 
 quer her, though her eyes are intent upon one who 
 looks from her; which is ordinary with the sex. It 
 is certainly a mistake in the ancients to draw the 
 little gentleman Love as a blind boy ; for his real 
 character is a little thief that squints; for ask Mrs. 
 Meddle, who is a confident, or spy, upon all the 
 passions in town, and she will tell you that the 
 whole is a game of cross purposes. The lover is 
 generally pursuing one who is in pursuit of another, 
 and running from one that desires to meet him. 
 Nay, the nature of this passion is so justly repre- 
 sented in a squinting little thief (who is always in 
 a double action), that do but observe Clarissa next 
 time you see her, and you will find, when her eyes 
 have made their soft tour round the company, she 
 makes no stay on him they say she is to marry, 
 but rests two seconds of a minute on Wildair, who 
 neither looks nor thinks on her, or any woman else. 
 However, Cynthio had a bov/ from her the other 
 day, upon which he is very much come to himself; 
 and I heard him send his man of an errand yester- 
 day without any manner of hesitation ; a quarter of 
 an hour after which he reckoned twenty, remem- 
 bered he was to sup with a friend, and went ex- 
 actly to his appointment. I sent to know how he 
 did this morning ; and I find that he had not forgot 
 he spoke to me yesterday. 
 
 Wilfs Coffee-house, April 20. 
 
 This week being sacred to holy things, and no 
 public diversions allowed, there has been taken no- 
 tice of even here a little Treatise called, " A Pro- 
 ject for the Advancement of Religion: dedicated to 
 the Countess of Berkeley.*" The title was so un- 
 common, and promised so peculiar a way of think- 
 ing, that every man here has read it; and as many 
 * First published by Swift in 1709.
 
 40 TATLER. NO 5. 
 
 as have done so have approved it. It is written 
 with the spirit of one who has seen the world 
 enough to undervalue it with good-breeding. The 
 author must certainly be a man of wisdom as well 
 as piety, and have spent much time in the exercise 
 of both. The real causes of the decay of the inte- 
 rest of religion are set forth in a clear and lively 
 manner, without unseasonable passions; and the 
 whole air of the book, as to the language, the sen- 
 timents, and the reasonings, shows it was written 
 by one whose virtue sits easy about him, and to 
 whom vice is thoroughly contemptible. It was said 
 by one of this company, alluding to that knowledge 
 of the world the author seems to have, " The man 
 writes much like a gentleman, and goes to Heaven 
 with a very good mien." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-home, April 20. 
 
 Letters from Italy say, that the Marquis de Prie, 
 upon the receipt of an express from the Court of 
 Vienna, went immediately to the palace of Cardinal 
 Paulucci, Minister of State to his Holiness, and de- 
 manded, in the name of his Imperial Majesty, that 
 King Charles should forthwith be acknowledged 
 King of Spain, by a solemn act of the congregation 
 of Cardinals appointed for that {mrpose. He de- 
 clared at the same time, that if the least hesitation 
 were made in this most important article of the late 
 treaty, he should not only be obliged to leave Rome 
 himself, but also transmit his master's orders to the 
 Imperial troops to face about, and return into the 
 ecclesiastical dominions. When the Cardinal re- 
 ported this message to the Pope, his Holiness was 
 struck with so sensible an affliction, that he burst 
 into tears. His sorrow was aggravated by letters 
 which immediately after arrived from the Court of 
 Madrid, wherein his Nuncio acquainted him, that, 
 upon the news of his accommodation with the Era-
 
 N° 5. TATLER. 41 
 
 peror, he had received a message to forbear coming 
 to Court, and the people were so highly provoked, 
 that they could hardly be restrained from insulting 
 his palace. Tliese letters add, that the King of 
 Denmark was gone from Florence to Pisa, and from 
 Pisa to Leghorn, where the Governor paid his Ma- 
 jesty all imaginable honours. The King designed to 
 go from thence to Lucca, where a magnificent 
 tournament was prepared for his diversion. An 
 English man of war, which came from Port-Mahon 
 to Leghorn in six days, brought advice, that the 
 fleet commanded by Admiral Whitaker, was safely 
 arrived at Barcelona, with the troops and ammunition 
 which he had taken in at Naples. 
 
 General Boneval, Governor of Comachio, had 
 summoned the magistrates of all the towns near that 
 place to appear before him, and take an oath of 
 fidelity to his Imperial Majesty ; commanding also 
 the gentry to pay him homage, on pain of death and 
 confiscation of goods. Advices from Switzerland 
 inform us, that the bankers of Geneva were utterly 
 ruined by the failure of Mr. Bernard. They add, 
 that the Deputies of the Swiss Cantons were re- 
 turned from Soleure, were they were assembled at 
 the instance of the Frencii Ambassador, but were 
 very much dissatisfied with the reception they had 
 from that Minister. It is true he omitted no civi- 
 lities or expressions of friendship from his master 
 but he took no notice of their pensions and arrears : 
 what further provoked their indignation was, that 
 instead of twenty-five pistoles, formerly allowed to 
 each member for their charge in coming to the Diet 
 he had presented them with six only. They wri< 
 from Dresden, that King Augustus was still busy 
 recruiting his cavalry, and that the Danish tro( 
 that lately served in Hungary had orders to b( 
 Saxony by the middle of May ; and that his Maj 
 of Denmark was expected at Dresden in th' 
 
 E 2
 
 42 TATLER. N°l. 
 
 ginning of that month. King Augustus makes great 
 preparations for his reception, and has appointed 
 sixty coaches, each drawn by six horses, for that 
 purpose ; the interview of these Princes affords 
 great matter for speculation. Letters from Paris, 
 of the twenty-second of this month, say, that 
 Marshal Harcourt and the Duke of Berwick were 
 preparing to go into Alsace and Dauphine, but 
 that their troops were in want of all manner of 
 necessaries. The Court of France had received 
 advices from Madrid, that on the seventh of this 
 month the States of Spain had with much magnifi- 
 cence acknowledged the Prince of Asturias presump- 
 tive heir to the Crown. This was performed at 
 Buen-Retiro : the Deputies took the oaths on that 
 occasion from the hands of Cardinal Portocarrero. 
 These advices add, that it was signified in the 
 Pope's Nuncio by order of Council, to depart from 
 that Court in twenty-four hours, and that a guard 
 was accordingly appointed to conduct him to 
 Bayonne. 
 
 Letters from the Hague of the twenty-sixth in- 
 stant informs us, that Prince Eugene was to set out 
 the next day for Brussels, to put all things in a rea- 
 diness for opening the campaign. They add, that 
 the grand Pensioner having reported to the Duke of 
 Marlborough what passed in the last conference with 
 Mr. Rouille, his Grace had taken a resolution im- 
 mediately to return to Great Britain, to communi- 
 cate to her Majesty all that has been transacted in 
 that important affair. 
 
 From my own Apartment, April 20. 
 
 The nature of my miscellaneous work is such, 
 that I shall always take the liberty to tell for news 
 such things (let them have happened never so much 
 before the time of writing) as have escaped public 
 notice, or have been represented to the world ;
 
 N°5. TATLER. 43 
 
 provided that I am still within rules, and trespass 
 not as a Tatler any farther than in an incorrectness 
 of style, and writing in an air of common speech. 
 Thus, if any thing- that is said, even of old Anchises 
 or ^neas, be set by me in a different light than has 
 hitherto been hit upon, in order to inspire the love 
 and admiration of worthy actions, you will, gentle 
 reader, I hope, accept of it for intelligence you 
 had not before. But I am going into a narrative, 
 the matter of which I know to be true : it is not 
 only doing justice to the deceased merit of such 
 persons, as, had they lived, would not have had it 
 in their power to thank me, but also an instance of 
 greatness of spirit in the lowest of her Majesty's 
 subjects. Take it as follows : 
 
 At the siege of Namur by the allies, there were 
 in the ranks of the company commanded by Captain 
 Pincent, in Colonel Frederick Hamilton's regiment, 
 one Unnion, a corporal, and one Valentine a private 
 centinel : there happened between these two men 
 a dispute about a matter of love, which, upon some 
 aggravations, grew to an irreconcileable hatred. 
 Unnion, being the officer of Valentine, took all op- 
 portunities even to strike his rival, and profess the 
 spite and revenge which moved him to it. The 
 centinel bore it without resistance ; but frequently 
 said, he woidd die to be revenged on that tyrant. 
 They had spent whole months thus, one injuring, 
 the other complaining ; when in the midst of this 
 rage towards each other, they were commanded 
 upon the attack of the castle, where* the corporal 
 received a shot in the thigh, and fell ; the French 
 pressing on, and he expecting to be trampled to 
 death, called out to his enemy. Ah, Valentine, can 
 you leave me here ? Valentine immediately ran 
 back, and in the midst of a thick fire of the French 
 took the corporal upon his back, and brought him 
 through all that danger as far as the Abbey of
 
 44 TATLER. N° 5, 
 
 Salsine, where a cannon ball took oft" his head : 
 his body fell under his enemy whom he was carry- 
 ing oft'. Unnion immediately forgot his wound, rose 
 up, tearing his hair, and then threw himself upon 
 the bleeding carcase, crying, " Ah, Valentine ! 
 was it for me, who have so barbarously used thee, 
 that thou hast died? I will not live after thee." 
 He was not by any means to be forced from the 
 body, but was removed with it bleeding in his 
 arms, and attended with tears by all their comrades 
 who knew their enmity. AVhenhewas brought to 
 a tent, his wounds were dressed by force ; but the 
 next day still calling upon Valentine, and lament- 
 ing his cruelties to him, he died in the pangs of re- 
 morse and despair. 
 
 It may be a question among men of noble senti- 
 ments, whether of these unfortunate persons had 
 the greater soul ; he that was so generous as to 
 venture his life for his enemy, or he who could not 
 survive the man that died, laying upon him such an 
 obligation ? 
 
 When we see spirits like these in a people, to 
 what heights may we not suppose their glory may 
 rise ! but (as it is excellently observed by Sallust) 
 it is not only to the general bent of a nation that 
 great revolutions are owing, but to the extraordi- 
 nary genios that led them. On which occasion, 
 he proceeds to say, that the Roman greatness was 
 neither to be attributed to their superior policy, for 
 in that the Carthagenians excelled ; nor to their va- 
 lour, for in that the Gauls were preferable ; but to 
 particular men, who were born for the good of 
 their country, and formed for great attempts. This 
 he says to introduce the characters of Caesar and 
 Cato. It would be entering into too weighty a 
 discourse for this place, if I attempted to shew, 
 that our nation has produced as great and able men 
 for public affairs as any other. But I believe the
 
 N" 6. TATLER. 45 
 
 reader outruns me, and Hxes his imagination upon 
 the Duke of Marlborough. It is, methinks, a 
 pleasing reflection to consider the dispensations of 
 Providence in the fortune of this illustrious man, 
 who, in the space of forty years, has passed through 
 all the gradations of human life, until he has as-' 
 cended to the character of a Prince*, and become 
 the scourge of a tyrant, Avho sat on one of the great- 
 est thrones of Europe, before the man who was to 
 have the greatest part in his downfall had made one 
 step in the world. But such elevations are the na- 
 tural consequences of an exact prudence, a calm 
 courage, a well-governed temper, a patient ambi- 
 tion, and an aftable behaviour. These arts, as they 
 are the steps of his greatness, so they are the pillars 
 of it now it is raised. To this, her glorious son. 
 Great Britain is indebted for the happy conduct of 
 her arms, in whom she can boast, that she has pro- 
 duced a man formed by Nature to lead a nation of 
 heroes. 
 
 N° 6. SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86, 
 
 Whale' er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, April 22. 
 
 I AM just come from visiting Sappho, a fine lady, 
 who writes verses, sings, dances, and can say and 
 
   In the year 1704, in consequence of the memorable vic- 
 tory at Hochsted, the Duke of Marlborough was appointed a 
 Prince of tiie Empire, and had Mildenheim assigned for his 
 principality, Nov. 12, 1705.
 
 46 TATLER. N° 6. 
 
 do whatever she pleases, without the imputation of 
 any thing that can injure her character ; for she is 
 so well known to have no passion but self-love ; or 
 folly, but affectation ; that now, upon any occasion, 
 they only cry, " It is her way ! " and, " That is so 
 like her!" without farther reflection. As I came 
 into the room, she cries, " Oh! Mr. Bickerstaff, I 
 am utterly undone ; I have broke that pretty Italian 
 fan I showed you when you were here last, wherein 
 were so admirably drawn our first parents in Para- 
 dise, asleep in each other's arms. But there is such 
 an affinity between painting and poetry, that I have 
 been improving- the images which were raised by 
 that picture, by reading the same representation in 
 two of our greatest poets. Look you, here are the 
 same passages in Milton and in Dryden. All Mil- 
 ton's thoughts are wonderfully just and natural, in 
 that inimitable description which Adam makes of 
 himself in the eighth book of Paradise Lost. But 
 there is none of them finer than that contained 
 in the following lines, where he tells us his 
 thoughts, when he was falling asleep a little after 
 the creation : 
 
 While thus I call'd, and stray'd I knew not whither, 
 From whence I first drew air, and first beheld 
 This happy light: when answer none return'd, 
 On a green shady bank, profuse of flowers, 
 Pensive I sate me down : there gentle sleep 
 First found me, and with soft oppression seiz'd 
 My drowned sense, untroubled, though I thought 
 I then was passing to my former state, 
 Insensible, and forthwith to dissolve. 
 
 But now I cannot forgive this odious thing, this 
 Dryden, who in his " State of Innocence," has 
 given my grand-grandmother Eve the same appre- 
 hension of annihilation on a very difterent occasion ; 
 as Adam pronounces it of himself, when he was 
 seized with a pleasing kind of stupor and deadness ; 
 Eve fancies herself falling away, and dissolving in
 
 N^ 6. TATLER. 47 
 
 the hurry of a rapture. However, the verses are 
 very good, and I do not know but what she says 
 may be natural : I will read them. 
 
 When youv kind eyes look'd languishing on mine. 
 
 And wreathing arms did soft embraces join ; 
 
 A doubtful trembling seiz'd me first all o'er, 
 
 Then wishes, and a warmth unknown before; 
 
 What foUow'd was all ecstacy and trance. 
 
 Immortal pleasures round my swimming eyes did dance ; 
 
 And speechless joys, in whose sweet tumults tost, 
 
 I thought my breath and my new Being lost. 
 
 She went on, and said a thousand good things at 
 random, but so strangely mixed, that you would be 
 apt to say, all her wit is mere good luck, and not 
 the effect of reason and judgment. When I made 
 my escape hither, I found a gentleman playing the 
 critic on two other great poets : even Virgil and 
 Homer. He was observing, that Virgil is more ju- 
 dicious than the other in the epithets he gives his 
 hero. Homer's usual epithet, said he, is noSay wxvg, 
 or uoh-pyns, and his indiscretion has been often 
 rallied by the critics, for mentioning the nimbleness 
 of foot in Achilles, though he describes him stand- 
 ing, sitting, lying down, fighting, eating, drinking, 
 or in any other circumstance, however foreign or 
 repugnant to speed and activity. Virgil's common 
 epithet to ^neas is Pius, or Pater. 1 have there- 
 fore considered, said he, what passage there is in 
 any of his hero's actions, where either of these ap- 
 pellations would have been most improper, to see 
 if I could catch him at the same fault with Homer ; 
 and this, I think, is his meeting with Dido in the 
 cave, where Pius iEneas would have been absurd, 
 and Pater iEneas a burlesque : the poet therefore 
 wisely dropped them both for Dux Trojamis ; which 
 he has repeated twice in Juno's speech, and his 
 own narration ; for he very well knew, a loose ac- 
 tion might be consistent enough with the usual 
 manners of a soldier, though it became neither the
 
 48 TATLER. N° 6. 
 
 chastity of a pious man, nor the gravity of the father 
 of a people. 
 
 Grecian Coffee-house, April 22. 
 
 While other parts of the town are amused with 
 the present actions, we generally spend the evening 
 at this table in inquiries into antiquity, and think 
 any thing News which gives us new knowledge. 
 Thus we are making a very pleasant entertainment 
 to ourselves, in putting the actions of Homer's Iliad 
 into an exact Journal. 
 
 This Poem is introduced by Chryses, king of 
 Chryseis and priest of Apollo, who comes to re- 
 demand his daughter, who had been carried oft' at 
 the taking of that city, and given to Agamemnon 
 for his part of the booty. The refusal he receives 
 enrages Apollo, who for nine days showered down 
 darts upon them, which occasioned the pestilence. 
 
 The tenth day Achilles assembled the council, 
 and encourages Chalcas to speak for the surrender 
 of Chryseis to appease Apollo. Agamemnon and 
 Achilles storm at one another, notwithstanding 
 which, Agamemnon will not release his prisoner, 
 unless he has Briseis in her stead. After long con- 
 testations, wherein Agamemnon gives a glorious 
 character of Achilles's valour, he determines to re- 
 store Chryseis to her father, and sends two heralds 
 to fetch away Briseis from Achilles, who abandons 
 himself to sorrow and despair. His mother Thestis 
 comes to comfort him under his aftliction, and pro- 
 mises to represent his sorrowful lamentation to Ju- 
 piter: but he could not attend to it; for, the even- 
 ing before he had appointed to divert himself for 
 two days beyond the seas with the harmless Ethio- 
 pians. 
 
 It was the twenty-first day after Chryseis's arrival 
 at the camp, that Thetis went very early to demand 
 an audience of Jupiter. The means he used to sa-
 
 N" 6. TATLER, 49 
 
 tisfy her were, to persuade the Greeks to attack the 
 Trojans ; that so they might perceive the conse- 
 quence of contemning Achilles, and the miseries 
 they suffer, if he does not head them. The next 
 night he orders Agamemnon, in a dream, to attack 
 them : who was deceived with the hopes of obtain- 
 ing a victory, and also taking the city, without 
 sharing the honour with Achilles. 
 
 On the twenty-second in the morning he assembles 
 the council, and having made a feint of raising the 
 seige and retiring, he declares to them his dream ; 
 and, together with Nestor and Ulysses, resolves on 
 an engagement. 
 
 This was the twenty-third day, which is full of 
 incidents, and which continues from almost the be- 
 ginning of the second canto to the eighth. The 
 armies being then drawn up in view of one another. 
 Hector brings it about that Menelaus and Paris, the 
 two persons concerned in the quarrel, should decide 
 it by a single combat, which tending to the advant- 
 age of Menelaus, was interrupted by a cowardice 
 infused by Minerva : then both armies engage, 
 where the Trojans have the disadvantage ; but be- 
 ing afterwards animated by Apollo, they repulse 
 the enemy, yet they are once again forced to give 
 ground ; but their affairs were retrieved by Hector, 
 who has a single combat with Ajax. The gods 
 threw themselves into the battle : Juno and Minerva 
 took the Grecians' part and Apollo and Mars the 
 Trojans' ; but Mars and Venus are both wounded 
 by Diomedes. 
 
 The truce for burying the slain ended the twenty- 
 third day, after which the Greeks threw up a great 
 intrcnchment, to secure their navy from danger. 
 Councils are held on both sides. On the morning 
 of the twenty-fourth day the battle is renewed, but 
 in a very disadvantageous manner to the Greeks, 
 who are beaten back to their intrenchments. Aga- 
 
 F
 
 50 TATLER. N" 6. 
 
 memnon, being in despair at this ill success, pro- 
 poses to the council to quit the enterprise, and retire 
 from Troy. But by the advice of Nestor, he is per- 
 suaded to regain Achilles, by returning Briseis, and 
 sending him considerable presents. Hereupon 
 Ulysses and Ajax are sent to that hero, who con- 
 tinues inflexible in his anger. Ulysses, at his re- 
 turn, joins himself with Diomedes, and goes in the 
 night to gain intelligence of the enemy : they enter 
 into their very camp, where finding the centinels 
 asleep, they made a great slaughter. Rheusus, who 
 was just then arrived with recruits from Thrace for 
 the Trojans, was killed in that action. Here 
 ends the tenth canto. The sequel of this Journal 
 will be inserted in the next article from this place. 
 
 St. Jameses Coffee- house, April 22. 
 
 We hear from Italy, that notwithstanding the 
 Pope has received a letter from the Duke of Anjou, 
 demanding of him to explain himself upon the aftair 
 of acknowledging King Charles, his holiness has 
 not yet thought fit to send any answer to that prince. 
 The court of Rome appears very much mortified, 
 that they are not to see his Majesty of Denmark in 
 that city, having perhaps given themselves vain 
 hopes from a visit made by a Protestant prince to 
 that see. The Pope has dispatched a gentleman to 
 compliment his Majesty, and sent the King a present 
 of all the curiosities and antiquities of Rome, re- 
 presented in seventeen volumes very richly bound, 
 which were taken out of the Vatican library. Let- 
 ters from Genoa, of the fourteenth instant, say, 
 that a felucca was arrived there, in five days from 
 Marseilles, with an account, that the people of that 
 city had made an insurrection, by reason of the 
 scarcity of provisions ; and that the intendant had 
 ordered some companies of mariners, and the men 
 belonging to the galleys, to stand to their arms to
 
 N" 6. TATLER. 51 
 
 protect him from violence ; but that he began to be 
 in as much apprehensions of his guards, as of those 
 from whom they were to defend him. When that 
 vessel came away, the soldiers murmured publicly 
 for want of pay ; and it was generally believed they 
 would pillage the magazines, as the garrisons of 
 Grenoble and other towns of France had already 
 done. A vessel which lately came into Leghorn 
 brought advice, that the British squadron was ar- 
 rived at Port-Mahon, where they were taking in 
 more troops, in order to attempt the relief of Ali- 
 cant, which still made a very vigorous defence. It 
 is said Admiral Byng will he at the head of that 
 expedition. The King of Denmark was gone from 
 Leghorn towards Lucca. 
 
 They write from Vienna, that in case the allies 
 should enter into a treaty of peace with France, 
 Count Zinzendorf will be appointed first Plenipo- 
 tentiary, the Count de Goes the second, and 
 Monsieur Van Konsbruch a third. Major General 
 Palmes, envoy extraordinary from her Brittannic 
 Majesty, has been very urgent with that court to 
 make their utmost efforts against France the ensu- 
 ing campaign, in order to oblige it to such a peace 
 as may establish the tranquillity of Europe for the 
 future. 
 
 We are also informed, that the Pope uses all ima- 
 ginable shifts to elude the treaty concluded with the 
 Emperor, and that he demanded the immediate 
 restitution of Comschio ; insisting also, that his Im- 
 perial Majesty should ask pardon, and desire abso- 
 lution for what had formerly passed, before he would 
 solemnly acknowledge King Charles. But this was 
 utterly refused. 
 
 They hear at Vienna by letters from Constanti- 
 nople, dated the twenty-second of February last, 
 that, on the twelfth of that month, the Grand Seig- 
 nior took occasion, at the celebration of the festivals
 
 52 TATLER. N". )S. 
 
 of the Mussulmen, to set all the Christian slaves 
 which were iu the galleys at liberty. 
 
 Advices from Switzerland import, that the preach- 
 ers of the county of Tockenburg continue to create 
 new jealousies of the Protestants ; and some distur- 
 bances lately happened there on that account. The 
 Protestants and Papists in the town of Hamman go 
 to divine service one after another in the same 
 church, as is usual in many other parts of Switzer- 
 land ; but on Sunday the tenth instant, the Popish 
 Curate, having ended his service, attempted to hin- 
 der the Protestants from entering into the Church, 
 according to custom; but the Protestants briskly 
 attacked him and his party, and broke into it by 
 force. 
 
 Last night between seven and eight his Grace the 
 Duke of Marlborough arrived at Court. 
 
 From my own Apartment. 
 
 The present great captains of the age, the Duke 
 of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, having been 
 the subject of the discourse of the last company I 
 was in ; it has naturally led me into a consideration 
 of Alexander and Caesar, the two greatest names 
 that ever appeared before this century. In order to 
 enter into their characters, there needs no more but 
 examining their behaviour in parallel circumstances. 
 It must be allowed, that they had an equal great- 
 ness of soul ; but Cajsar's was more corrected and 
 allayed by a mixture of prudence and circumspec- 
 tion. This is seen conspicuously in one particular 
 in their histories, wherein they seem to have shown 
 exactly the difference of their tempers. When 
 Alexander, after a long course of victories, would 
 still have led his soldiers farther from home, they 
 unanimously refused to follow him. We meet with 
 the like behaviour in Caesar's army in the midst of 
 his march against Ariovistus. Let us therefore ob-
 
 N" 6. TATLER, 53 
 
 serve the conduct of our two generals in so nice an 
 affair : and here we find Alexander at the head of 
 his army, upbraiding them with their cowardice, and 
 meanness of spirit; and in the end telling them 
 plainly he would go forward himself, though not a 
 man followed him. This showed indeed an exces- 
 sive bravery ; but how would the commander have 
 come off, if the speech had not succeeded, and the 
 soldiers had taken him at his word ? the project 
 seems of a piece with Mr. Bray's in " The Re- 
 hearsal," who, to gain a clap in his prologue, comes 
 out with a terrible fellow in a fur-cap foUowiiig him, 
 and tells his audience if they would not like his play, 
 he would lie down and have his head struck oft". If 
 this gained a clap, all was well ; but if not, there 
 was nothing left but for the executioner to do his 
 office. But Ccesar would not leave the success of 
 his speech to such uncertain events : he shows his 
 men the unreasonableness of their fears in an obliging 
 manner, and concludes, that if none else would 
 march along with him he would go himself with the 
 teuth legion, for he was assured of their fidelity and 
 valour, though all the rest forsook him ; not but 
 that, in all probability, they were as much against 
 the march as the rest. The result of all was very 
 natural; the tenth legion, fired with the praises of 
 their general, send thanks to him for the just opinion 
 he entertains of them ; and the rest, ashamed to be 
 outdone, assure him, that they are as ready to follow 
 where he pleases to lead them, as any other part of 
 the army. 
 
 F 2
 
 54 TATLER. N". 7. 
 
 N" 7. TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1709. 
 
 Qidcquid agunt homines 
 
 nostris est farrago libelli. 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P 
 
 " It is so just an observation, that mocking is 
 catching, that I am become an unhappy instance of 
 it, and am (in the same manner that I have repre- 
 sented Mr. Partridge*) myself a dying man, in 
 comparison of the vigour with which I first set out 
 in the world. Had it been otherwise, you may be 
 sure I would not have pretended to have given for 
 news, as I did last Saturday, a diary of the siege 
 of Troy. But man is a creature very inconsistent 
 with himself: the greatest heroes are sometimes 
 fearful ; the sprightliest wits at some hours dull ; and 
 the greatest politicians on some occasions whimsical. 
 But I shall not pretend to palliate or excuse the 
 matter ; for I find by a calculation of my own na- 
 tivity, that I cannot hold out with any tolerable wit 
 longer than two minutes after twelve of the clock at 
 night, between the eighteenth and nineteenth of the 
 next month : for which space of time you may still 
 expect to hear from me, but no longer ; except you 
 will transmit to me the occurrences you meet with 
 relating to your amours, or any other subject within 
 the rules by which I have proposed to walk. If any 
 gentleman or lady sends to Isaac Bickerstaft', esq. 
 at Mr. Morphew's near Stationers-hall, by the 
 penny-post, the grief or joy of their soul, what they 
 think fit, for the matter shall be related in colours as 
 
 * " This man was a shoe-maker in Covent-garden in 1680, 
 yet styled himself Physician to his Majesty, in 1682. But, 
 though he was one of the sworn Physicians, he never attended 
 tlie court, nor received any salary."
 
 N° 7. TATLER. 55 
 
 much to their advantage, as those in which Gervas* 
 has drawn the agreeable Chloe. But since, without 
 such assistance, I frankly confess, and am sensible, 
 that I have not a month's wit more, I think I ought, 
 while I am in my sound health and senses, to make 
 my will and testament ; which I do in manner and 
 form following : 
 
 Imprimis, I give to the stock-jobbers about the 
 Exchange of London, as a security for the trusts 
 daily reposed in them, all my real estate ; which I 
 do hereby vest in the said body of worthy citizens 
 for ever. 
 
 Item,, Forasmuch as it is very hard to keep land 
 in repair without ready cash, I do, out of my per- 
 sonal estate, bestow the bear-skinf, which I have 
 frequently lent to several societies about this town, 
 to supply their necessity ; I say, I give also the 
 said bear-skin as an immediate fund to the said 
 citizens for ever. 
 
 Item, I do hereby appoint a certain number of the 
 said citizens to take all the custom-house or customary 
 oaths concerning all goods imported by the whole 
 city ; strictly directing that some select members, 
 and not the whole number of a body corporate, should 
 be perjured. 
 
 Item, I forbid all n s and persons of q ty 
 
 to watch bargains near and about the Exchange, 
 to the diminution and wrong of the said stock- 
 jobbers. 
 
 Thus far, in as brief and intelligible a manner as 
 
 * Jervas. 
 
 t Stock-jobbers, who contract for a transfer of stock which 
 they do not possess, are called sellers of bear- skins ; and uni- 
 versally whoever sells what he does not possess is said prover- 
 bially to sell the bear's skin while the bear runs in the woods. 
 
 In the language of Exchange-alley, Bears signify those who 
 buy stock which they cannot receive, or who sell stock which 
 they have not. Those who pay money for what they purchase, 
 or who sell stock which they really have, are called Bulls.
 
 56 TATLER. N° 7. 
 
 any will can appear, until it is explained by the 
 learned, I have disposed of my real and personal 
 estate : but, as I am an adept, I have by birth an 
 equal right to give also an indefeasible title to my 
 endowments and qualifications, which I do in the 
 following manner : 
 
 Item, I give my chastity to all virgins who have 
 withstood their market. 
 
 Item, I give my courage among all who are 
 ashamed of their distressed friends, all sneakers in 
 assemblies, and men who show valour in common 
 conversation. 
 
 Item, I give my wit (as rich men give to the rich) 
 among such as think they have enough already. 
 And in case they shall not accept of the legacy, I 
 give it to Bentivolio* to defend his works from time 
 to time, as he shall think fit to publish them. 
 
 Item, I bestow my learning upon the honorary 
 members of the Royal Society. 
 
 Now for the disposal of this body. 
 
 As these eyes must one day cease to gaze on Tera- 
 minta, and this heart shall one day pant no more for 
 her indignation ; that is to say, since this body must 
 be earth ; I shall commit it to the dust in a manner 
 suitable to my character. Therefore, as there are 
 those who dispute, whether there is any such real 
 person as Isaac Bickerstaft' or not, I shall excuse all 
 persons who appear what they really are, from com- 
 ing to my funeral. But all those who are, in their 
 way of life, personcef, as the Latins have it, persons 
 assumed, and who appear what they really are not, 
 are hereby invited to that solemnity. 
 
 The body shall be carried by six watchmen, who 
 are never seen in the day. 
 
 Item, The pall shall be held by the six most 
 known pretenders to honesty, wealth and power, 
 
 * Dr. Richard Beutley. 
 t Masks.
 
 N° 7. TATLER. 57 
 
 who are not possessed of any of them. The two first, 
 a half lawyer, and a compleat justice. The two 
 next a chymist, and a projector. The thud couple, 
 a treasury-solicitor, and a small courtier. 
 
 To make my funeral (what tliat solemnity, when 
 done to common men, really is in itself) a very 
 farce, and since all mourners are mere actors on 
 these occasions, I shall desire those who are pro- 
 fessedly such to attend mine. I humbly, therefore, 
 beseech Mrs. Barry to act once more, and be my 
 widow. When she swoons away at the church- 
 porch, I appoint the merry Sir John Falstatf, and the 
 gay Sir Harry Wildair to support her. I desire Mr. 
 Pinkethman to follow in the habit of a Cardinal, and 
 Mr. Bullock in that of a privy-counsellor. To make 
 up the rest of the appearance, I desire all the ladies 
 from the balconies to weep with Mrs. Barry, as they 
 hope to be wives and widows themselves. I invite 
 all, who have nothing else to do, to accept of gloves 
 and scarves. 
 
 Thus, with the great Charles V. of Spain, I resign 
 the glories of this transitory world : Yet, at the same 
 time, to show you my indifference, and that my 
 desires are not too much fixed upon any thing, I own 
 to you, I am as willing to stay as to go : therefore 
 leave it in the choice of my gentle readers, whe- 
 ther I shall hear from them, or they hear no more 
 from me." 
 
 White s Chocolate-house, April 25. 
 
 Easter day being a time when you cannot well 
 meet with any but humble adventures ; and there 
 being such a thing as low gallantry, as well as low 
 comedy. Colonel Ramble * and myself went early 
 this morning into the fields, which were strewed 
 with shepherds and shepherdesses, but indeed of a 
 different turn from the simplicity of those of Arca- 
 
 ♦Probably Colonel Brett.
 
 58 TATLER. N" 7. 
 
 tlia. Every hedge was conscious of more than what 
 the representations of enamoured swains admit of. 
 While we were surveying the crowd around us, we 
 saw at a distance a company coming towards Pan- 
 eras church; but though there was not much dis- 
 order, we thought we saw the figure of a man stuck 
 through with a sword, and at every step ready to 
 fall, if a woman by his side had not supported him; 
 the rest followed two and two. When we came 
 nearer this appearance, who should it be but Mon- 
 sieur Guardeloop, mine and Ramble's French tay- 
 lor, attended by others, leading one of Madam 
 Depingle's maids to the church, in order to their 
 espousals. It was his sword tucked so high above 
 his waist, and the circumflex which persons of his 
 profession take in their walking, that made him ap- 
 pear at a distance wounded and falling. But, the 
 morning being rainy, methought the march to this 
 wedding was but too lively a picture of wedlock it- 
 self. They seemed both to Imve a month's mind to 
 make the best of their way single ; yet both tugged 
 arm in arm : and when they were in a dirty way, he 
 was but deeper in the mire, by endeavouring to pull 
 out his companion, and yet without helping her. 
 The bridegroom's feathers in his hat all drooped; 
 one of his shoes had lost an heel. In short, he was 
 in his whole person and dress so extremely soused, 
 that there did not appear one inch or single thread 
 about him unmarried. Pardon me, that the melan- 
 choly obejct still dwells upon me so far, as to reduce 
 me to punning. However, we attended them to the 
 Chapel, where we staid to hear the irrevocable 
 words pronounced upon our old servant, and made 
 the best of our way to town. I took a resolution 
 to forbear all married persons, or any in danger of 
 being such, for four and twenty hours at least; 
 therefore dressed, and went to visit Florimel, the 
 vainest thing in town, where I knew would drop in
 
 N" 7. TATLER. 59 
 
 colonel Picket, just come from the camp, her pro- 
 fessed admirer. He is of that order of men who 
 have much honour and merit, but withal a coxcomb; 
 the other of that set of females, who has innocence 
 and wit, but the first of coquets. It is easy to 
 believe, these must be admirers of each other. She 
 says the colonel rides the best of any man in Eng- 
 land : The colonel says she talks the best of any 
 woman. At the same time, he understands wit just 
 as she does horsemanship. You are to know, these 
 extraordinary persons see each other daily ; and 
 they themselves, as well as the town, think it will 
 be a match : but it can never happen that they can 
 come to the point; for, instead of addressing to each 
 other, they spend their whole time in reports of them- 
 selves : he is satisfied if he can convince her he is a 
 fine gentleman, and a man of consequence: and she 
 in appearing to him an accomplished lady and a wit, 
 without further design. Thus he tells her of his 
 manner of posting his men at such a pass, with the 
 numbers he commanded on that detachment: she 
 tells him how she was dressed on such a day at 
 court, and what ofl^ers were made her the week 
 following. She seems to hear the repetition of his 
 mens' names with admiration, and waits only to 
 answer him with as false a muster of lovers. They 
 talk to each other, not to be informed, but improved. 
 Thus they are so like, that they are to be ever dis- 
 tant, and the parallel lines may run together for 
 ever, but never meet. 
 
 Wilfs Coffee-house, April 25. 
 
 This evening the comedy, called " Epsom Wells," 
 was acted for the benefit of Mr. Bullock, who, 
 thought he is a person of much wit and ingenuity, 
 has a peculiar talent of looking like a fool, and there- 
 fore excellently well qualified for the part of Bisket 
 in this play. 1 cannot indeed sufficiently admire
 
 00 TATLER. N° 7. 
 
 his way of bearing a beating', as he does in this 
 drama, and that with such a natural air and proprie- 
 ty of folly, that one cannot help wishing the whip in 
 one's own hand : so richly does he seem to deserve 
 his chastisement. Skilful actors think it a very pecu- 
 liar happiness to play in a scene with such as top 
 their parts. Therefore I cannot but say, when the 
 judgment of any good author directs him to write a 
 beating for Mr. Bullock from Mr. William Pinketh- 
 man, or for Mr. William Pinkethman from Mr. 
 Bullock, those excellent players seem to be in their 
 most shining cercumstances, and please me more, 
 but with a different sort of delight, than that which 
 
 1 receive from those grave scenes of Brutus and 
 Cassius, or Antony and Ventidius. The whole co- 
 medy is very just, and the low part of human life 
 represented with much humour and wit. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, April 25. 
 
 We are advised from Vienna, by letters of the 
 twentieth instant, that the Emperor hath lately 
 added twenty new members to his Council of State, 
 but they have not yet taken their places at the board. 
 General Thaun is returned from Baden, his health 
 being so well re-established by the baths of that 
 place, that he designs to set out next week for Turin, 
 to his command of the Imperial troops in the service 
 of the Duke of Savoy. His Imperial Majesty has 
 advanced his brother. Count Henry Thaun, to be a 
 brigadier, and a counsellor of the Aulic council of 
 war. These letters import, that King Stanislaus 
 and the Swedish General Crassau are directuig their 
 March to the Nieper, to join the king of Sweden's 
 army in Ukrania; that the States of Austria have 
 furnished Marshal Heister with a considerable sum 
 of money, to enable him to push on the war vigor- 
 ously in Hungary, where all things as yet are in 
 perfect tranquillity; and that General Thungen has
 
 N° 7. TATLER. 61 
 
 been very importunate for a speedy reinforcement of 
 the forces on the Upper Rhine ; representing at 
 the same time what miseries the inhabitants must 
 necessarily undergo, if the designs of France on 
 those parts be not speedily and effectually prevent- 
 ed. 
 
 Letters from Home, dated the thirteenth instant, 
 say, that, on the preceeding Sunday, his Holiness 
 was carried in an open chair from St. Peter's to St. 
 Mary's, attended by the sacred College, in caval- 
 cade ; and, after mass, distributed several dowries 
 for the marriage of poor and distressed virgins. The 
 proceedings of that court are very dilatory concern- 
 ing the recognition of King Charles, notwithstand- 
 ing the pressing instances of the Marquis de Prie, 
 who has declared, that if this affair be not wholly 
 concluded by the fifteenth instant, he will retire from 
 that court, and order the Imperial troops to return 
 into the Ecclesiastical State. On the other hand, 
 the Duke of Anjou's minister has, in the name of 
 his master, demanded of his Holiness to explain 
 himself on that affair; which, it said, will be finally 
 determined in a consistory to be held on Monday 
 next; the Duke of d'Uzeda designing to delay liis 
 departure until he sees the issue. These letters also 
 say, that the court was mightily alarmed at the news 
 which they received by an express from Ferrara, 
 that General Boneval, who commands in Camachio, 
 had sent circular letters to the Inhabitants of St. 
 Alberto, Longastrino, Fillo, and other adjacentparts, 
 enjoining them to come and swear fealty to the 
 Emperor, and receive new vestitures of their fiefs 
 from his hands. Letters from other parts of Italy 
 say, that the king of Denmark continues at Lucca; 
 that four English and Dutch men of war were seen 
 off Oneglia, bound for F'inal, in order to transport the 
 troops designed for Barcelona; and that her ma- 
 jesty's ship the Colchester arrived at Leghorn the 
 
 (J
 
 62 TATLER. N' 7. 
 
 fourth instant from Port Mahon, with advice, that 
 Major General Stanhope designed to depart from 
 thence the first instant with six or seven thousand 
 men, to attempt the relief of the castle of Alicant. 
 
 Our last advices from Berlin, bearing date the 
 twenty-seventh instant, import, that the king was 
 gone to Linum, and the queen to Mecklenburgh ; 
 but that their majesties designed to return the next 
 week to Oranienburgh, where a great chase of wild 
 beasts was prepared for their diversion, and from 
 thence they intend to proceed together to Potsdam ; 
 that the prince royal was set out for Brabant, but in- 
 tended to make some short stay at Hanover. These 
 letters also inform us, that they are advised from 
 Obory, that the king of Sweden, being on his march 
 towards Holkl, met General Renne with a detach- 
 ment of Muscovites, who placed some regiments in 
 ambuscade, attacked the Swedes in their rear, and 
 putting them to flight, killed two thousand men, the 
 king- himself having his horse shot under him. 
 
 V^^e hear from Copenhagen, that, the ice being 
 broke, the Sound is again open for the ships ; and 
 that they hoped his majesty would return sooner 
 than they at first expected. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, dated May the fourth, 
 N. S. say, that an express arrived there on the first, 
 from Prince Eugene to his grace the Duke of Marl- 
 borough. The States are advised that the auxiliaries 
 of Saxony were arrived on the frontiers of the Unit- 
 ed Provinces ; and also, that the two regiments of 
 Wolfenbuttel, and four thousand troops from Wer- 
 temberg, who are to serve in Flanders, are in full 
 march thither. Letters from Flanders say, that the 
 great convoy of ammunition and provisions, which 
 set out from Ghent for Lisle, was safely arrived 
 at Courtray. We hear from Paris, that the king 
 has ordered the militia on the coasts of Normandy 
 and Bretagne to be in readiness to march; and that
 
 N° 8. TATLER. 63 
 
 the court was in apprehension of a descent, to ani- 
 mate the people to rise in the midst of their present 
 hardships. 
 
 They write from Spain, that the Pope's Nuncio 
 left Madrid the tenth of April, in order to go to 
 Bayonne; that the Marquis de Bay was at Badajos, 
 to observe the motions of the Portugueze : and that 
 the Count d'Estain, with a body of live thousand 
 men, was on his march to attack Gironne. The 
 Duke of Anjou has deposed the Bishop of Lerida, 
 as being a favourer of the interest of King Charles, 
 and has summoned a convocation at Madrid, com- 
 posed of the archbishops, bishops, and states of that 
 kingdom, wherein he hopes they will come to a re- 
 isolution to send for no more bulls to Rome. 
 
 N° 8. THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 noslri est farrago libelli, 
 
 Juv, Sat. i. 85, 8C. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, April 2G. 
 The play of The London Cuckolds was acted this 
 evening before a suitable audience, who were ex- 
 tremely well diverted with that heap of vice and 
 absurdity. The indignation which Eugenio, who 
 is a gentleman of just taste, has upon occasion of 
 seeing human nature fall so low in its delights, made 
 him, I thought, expatiate upon the mention of this 
 play very agreeably. Of all men living, said he, 
 I pity players (who must be men of good under- 
 standing, to be capable of being such), that they 
 are obliged to repeat and assume proper gestures 
 for representing things of which their reason must
 
 64 TATLER. N° 8- 
 
 be ashamed, and which they must disdain their 
 audience for approving. The amendment of these 
 low gratifications is only to be made by people of 
 condition, by encouraging the representation of the 
 noble characters drawn by Shakespeare and others ; 
 from whence it is impossible to return without strong 
 impressions of honour and humanity. On these oc- 
 casions, distress is laid before us with all its causes 
 and consequences, and our resentment placed ac- 
 cording to the merit of the persons afflicted. Were 
 dramas of this nature more acceptable to the taste of 
 the town, men who have genius would bend their 
 studies to excel in them. How forcible an effect 
 this would have on our minds, one needs no more 
 than to observe how strongly we are touched by 
 mere pictures. Who can see Le Brun's picture of 
 the Battle of Porus without entering into the charac- 
 ter of that fierce and gallant man, and being accord- 
 ingly spurred to an emulation of his constancy and 
 courage? When he is falling with his wound, his 
 features are at the same time very terrible and lan- 
 guishing ; and there is such a stern faintness diffused 
 through all his look, as is apt to move a kind of 
 horror, as well as pity, in the beholder. This, I say, 
 is an effect wrought by mere lights and shades ; con- 
 sider also a representation made by words only, as 
 in an account given by a good writer. Catiline in 
 Sallust makes just such a figure as Porus by Le 
 Brun. It is said of him, Catalina vero longe a suis 
 inter hostitum cadevera repertus est : pauluhim etiam 
 spirans, ferocitatemque animi, quum vivus habuerat, 
 in vultu retinens. " Catiline was found killed, far 
 from his own men, among the dead bodies of the 
 enemy ; he seemed still to breathe, and still retained 
 in his face the same fierceness he had when he was 
 living." You have in that one sentence a lively im- 
 pression of his whole life and actions. What I 
 would insinuate from all this is, that if the painter
 
 N° 8. TATLER. 65 
 
 and the historian can do thus much in colours and 
 language, what may not be performed by an excel- 
 lent poet, when the character he draws is presented 
 by the person, the manner, the look, and the motion, 
 of an accomplished player? If a thing painted or 
 related can irresistibly enter our hearts, what may 
 not be brought to pass by seeing generous things 
 performed before our eyes ? Eugenio ended his dis- 
 course, by recommending the apt use of a theatre, 
 as the most agreeable and easy method of making a 
 polite and moral gentry; which would end in render- 
 ing the rest of the people regular in their behaviour, 
 and ambitious of laudable undertakings. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, April 27. 
 
 Letters from Naples of the ninth instant, N. S. 
 advise, that Cardinal Grimani had ordered the regi- 
 ment commanded by General Pate to march towards 
 Final, in order to embark for Catalonia ; whither 
 also a thousand horse are to he transported from 
 Sardinia, besides the troops which come from the 
 Milanese. An English man of war has taken two 
 prizes, one a vessel of Malta, the other of Genoa; 
 both laden with goods of the enemy. They write 
 from Florence of the thirteenth, that his Majesty of 
 Denmark had received a courier from the Hague, 
 with an account of some matters relating to the treaty 
 of peace ; upon which he declared, that he thought 
 it necessary to hasten to his own dominions. 
 
 Letters from Switzerland inform us, that the ef- 
 fects of the great scarcity of corn in France were 
 felt at Geneva ; the magistrates of which city had 
 appointed deputies to treat with the Cantons of Bern 
 and Zurich, for leave to buy up such quantities of 
 grain within their territories as should be thought ne- 
 cessary. The Protestants of Tockenburg are still 
 in arms about the convent of St. John, and have de- 
 clared, that they will not lay them down until they 
 
 G 2
 
 66 TATLER. n" 8. 
 
 have sufficient security, from the Roman Catholicks, 
 of living unmolested in the exercise of their religion. 
 In the mean time, the deputies of Bern and Tocken- 
 burg have frequent conferences at Zurich with the 
 regency of that Canton, to find out methods for 
 quieting these disorders. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, of the third of May, ad- 
 vise, that the President Rouille, after his last con- 
 ference with the deputies of the States, had retired 
 to Bodegrave, five miles distant from Worden, and 
 expected the return of a courier from France on the 
 fourth, with new instructions. It is said, if his 
 answer from the French Court shall not prove satis- 
 factory, he will be desired to withdraw out of these 
 parts. In the mean time it is also reported, that his 
 equipage, as an ambassador on this great occasion, 
 is actually on the march towards him. They write 
 from Flanders, that the great convoy of provisions 
 which set out from Ghent is safely arrived at Lisle. 
 Those advices add, that the enemy had assembled 
 near Tournay a considerable body of troops, drawn 
 out of the neighbouring garrisons. Their High 
 Mightinesses have sent orders to their Ministers at 
 Hamburgh and Dantzic to engage the magistrates of 
 those cities to forbid the sale of corn to the French, 
 and to signify to them, that the Dutch merchants will 
 buy up as much of that commodity as they can spare ; 
 the Hamburghers have accordingly contracted with 
 the Dutch, and refused any commerce with the French 
 on that occasion. 
 
 From my own Apartment. 
 
 After the lassitude of a day, spent in the strolling- 
 manner which is usual with men of pleasure in this 
 town, and with a head full of a million of imperti- 
 nencies, which had danced round it for ten hours to- 
 gether, I came to my lodging, and hastened to bed. 
 My valet de charabre knows my university trick of
 
 IS° 8. TATLER. (n 
 
 reading there ; and he, being a good scholar for a 
 gentleman, ran over the names of Horace, Tibullus, 
 Ovid, and others, to know which I would have. 
 " Bring Virgil," said I ; " and if I fall asleep, take 
 care of the candle." I read the sixth book over with 
 the most exquisite delight, and had gone half through 
 it a second time, when the pleasing ideas of Elysian 
 fields, deceased worthies walking in them, sincere 
 lovers enjoying their languishment without pain, 
 compassion for the unhappy spirits who had mis- 
 spent their short day-light, and were exiled from the 
 seats of bliss for ever; I say, I was deep again in 
 my reading, when this mixture of images had taken 
 place of all others in my imagination before, and 
 lulled me into a dream, from which I am just awake, 
 to my great disadvantage. The happy mansion of 
 Elysium, by degrees, seemed to be wafted from me, 
 and the very traces of my late waking thoughts be- 
 gan to fade away, when I was cast by a sudden 
 whirlpool upon an island, encompassed with a roar- 
 ing and troubled sea, which shaked its very centre, 
 and rocked its inhabitants as in a cradle. The 
 islanders lay on their faces, without offering to look 
 up, or hope for preservation ; all her harbours were 
 crowded with mariners, and tall vessels of war lay 
 in danger of being driven to pieces on her shore. 
 " Bless me !" said I, *' why have I lived in such a 
 manner, that the convulsion of nature should be so 
 terrible to me, when I feel myself that the better 
 part of me is to survive it? Oh! may that be in hap- 
 piness!" A sudden shriek, in which the whole peo- 
 ple on their faces joined, interrupted my soliloquy, 
 and turned my eyes and attention to the object that 
 had given us that sudden start, in the midst of an in- 
 consolable and speechless affliction. Immediately 
 the winds grew calm, the waves subsided, and the 
 people stood up, turning their faces upon a magnifi- 
 cent pile in the midst of the island. There we be-
 
 68 TATLER. N® 8, 
 
 held an hero of a comely and erect aspect, but pale 
 and languid, sitting under a canopy of state. By 
 the faces and dumb sorrow of those who attended, 
 we thought him in the article of death. At a distance 
 sat a lady, whose life seemed to hang upon the same 
 thread with his. She kept her eyes fixed upon him, 
 and seemed to smother ten thousand thousand name- 
 less things, which urged her tenderness to clasp him 
 in her arras ; but her greatness of spirit overcame 
 these sentiments, and gave her power to forbear 
 disturbing his last moment ; which immediately ap- 
 proached*. The hero looked up with an air of neg- 
 ligence, and satiety of being, rather than of pain to 
 leave it ; and leaning back his head, expired. 
 
 When the heroine, who sat at a distance, saw 
 his last instant come, she threw herself at his feet, 
 and, kneeling, pressed his hand to her lips ; in which 
 posture she continued under the agony of an unut- 
 terable sorrow, until conducted from our sight by 
 her attendants. That commanding awe, which ac- 
 companies the grief of great minds, restrained the 
 multitude while in her presence ; but as soon as she 
 retired they gave way to their distraction, and all the 
 highlanders called upon their deceased hero. To 
 him, methought, they cried out as to a guardian being ; 
 and I gathered from their broken accents, that it was 
 he who had the empire over the ocean and its powers, 
 by which he had long protected the island from ship- 
 wreck and invasion. They now give a loose to their 
 moan, and think themselves exposed without hopes 
 of human or divine Assistance. While the people 
 ran wild, and expressed all the different forms of 
 lamentation, methought a sable cloud overshadowed 
 the whole land, and covered its inhabitants with 
 darkness : no glimpse of light appeared, except one 
 ray from Heaven upon the place in which the heroine 
 
 « 6!«org-e Prince of Denniaik.
 
 N° 8. TATLER. 69 
 
 now secluded herself from the world, with her eyes 
 fixed on those abodes to which her consort was 
 ascended. Methought a long period of time had 
 passed away in mourning and in darkness, when a ' 
 twilight began by degrees to enlighten tUe hemi- 
 sphere ; and, looking round me, I saw a boat rowed 
 towards the shore, in which sat a personage adorned 
 with warlike trophies, bearing on his left arm a shield, 
 on which was engraven the image of Victory, and in 
 his right had a branch of olive. His visage was at 
 once so winning and so awful, that the shield and 
 the olive seemed equally suitable to his genius. 
 
 When this illustrious person* touched on the shore, 
 he was received by the acclamations of the people, 
 and followed to the palace of the heroine. No plea- 
 sure in the glory of her arms, or the acclamations 
 of her applauding subjects, were ever capable to 
 suspend her sorrow for one moment, till she saw the 
 olive-branch in the hand of that auspicious messenger. 
 At that sight, as Heaven bestows its blessings on 
 the wants and importunities of mortals, out of its 
 native bounty, and not to increase its own power or 
 honour, in compassion to the world, the celestial 
 mourner was then first seen to turn her regard to 
 things below; and, taking the branch out of the 
 warrior's hand, looked at it with much satisfaction, 
 and spoke of the blessings of peace with a voice and 
 accent, such as that in Vv'hich guardian spirits whis- 
 per to dying penitents assurance of happiness. The 
 air was hushed, the multitude attentive, and all na- 
 ture in a pause while she was speaking. But as soon 
 as the messenger of peace had made some low reply, 
 in which, methought, I heard the word Iberia, the 
 heroine, assuming a more severe air, but such as 
 spoke resolution without rage, returned him the olive, 
 
 * About this time the Duke of Marlborough returned fioni 
 HoUaiul, with the Preliminaries of a Peace.
 
 70 TATLER. N 8. 
 
 and again veiled lier face. Loud cries- and clashing- 
 of arms immediately followed, which forced me from 
 ray charming vision, and drove me back to these 
 mansions of care and sorrow. 
 
 *.^* Mr. BickerstafF thanks Mr. QuarterstafF for 
 his kind and iiistructive letter dated the 26th inst. 
 
 N° 9. SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli, 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 WilVs Coffee-home, April 28. 
 
 This evening we were entertained with The Old 
 Bachelor, a comedy of deserved reputation. In 
 the character which gives name to the play, there 
 is excellently represented the reluctance of a bat- 
 tered debauchee to come into the trammels of order 
 and decency : he neither languishes nor burns, but 
 frets for love. The gentlemen of more regular be- 
 haviour are drawn with more spirit and wit, and 
 the drama introduced by the dialogue of the first 
 scene with uncommon, yet natural conversation. 
 The part of Fondlewife is a lively image of the 
 unseasonable fondness of age and impotence. But 
 instead of such agreeable works as these, the town 
 has for half an age been tormented with insects 
 called Easy Writers, whose abilities Mr. Wycherly 
 ohe day described excellently well in one word : 
 " That," says he, " among these fellows is called 
 Easy Writing, which any one may easily write :
 
 N° 9. TATLER. 71 
 
 Such janty scribblers are so justly laughed at for 
 their sonnets on Phillis and Chloris, and fantastical 
 descriptions in them ; that an ingenious kinsman of 
 mine, of the family of the Staffs, Mr. Humphrey 
 Wagstaff by name, has, to avoid their strain, run 
 into a way perfectly new, and described things 
 exactly as they happen* : he never forms fields, or 
 nymphs, or groves, where they are not; but makes 
 the incidents just as they really appear. For an 
 3xample of it ; I stole out of his manuscript the 
 following lines : they are a description of the morn- 
 ing, but of the morning in town ; nay, of the morn- 
 ing at this end of the town, where my kinsman at 
 present lodges. 
 
 Now hardly here and there an hackney coach 
 
 Appearing, show'd the ruddy morn's approach. 
 
 Now Betty from her master's bed had flown, 
 
 And softly stole to discompose her own ; 
 
 The slipshod 'prentice from his master's door, 
 
 Had par'd the street, and sprinkled round the floor : 
 
 Now Moll had whirl'd her mop with dex'trous airs, 
 
 Prepar'd to sci-ub the entry and the stairs. 
 
 The youth with broomy stumps began to trace 
 
 The kennel-edge, where wheels had worn the place. 
 
 The small-coal man was heard with cadence deep. 
 
 Till drown'd in shriller notes of chimney-sweep : 
 
 Duns at his Lordship's gates began to meet, 
 
 And brick-dust Moll had scream'd thro' half a street. 
 
 The turnkey now his flock returning sees, 
 
 Duly let out a'nights to steal for fees ; 
 
 The "watchful bailiff's take their silent stands, 
 
 And school-boys lag with satchels in their hands. 
 
 All that I apprehend is, that dear Numps will be 
 angry I have published these lines • not that he 
 has any reason to be ashamed of them, but for fear 
 of those rogues, the bane to all excellent perform- 
 ances, the imitators. Therefore, before-hand, I bar 
 all descriptions of the evening ; as, a medley of 
 
 * Dr. Swift.
 
 72 TATLER. N° 9. 
 
 verses signifying grey peas are now cried warm ; that 
 wenches now begin to amble round the passages of 
 the play-house ; or of noon ; as, that line ladies and 
 great beaux are just yawning out of their beds and 
 windows in Pall-mall, and so forth. I forewarn also 
 all persons from encouraging any draughts after my 
 cousin ; and foretell any man who shall go about to 
 imitate him, that he will be very insipid. The family 
 stock is embarked in this design, and we will not 
 adnut of counterfeits : Dr. Anderson* and his heirs 
 enjoy his pills ; Sir William Readf has the cure of 
 eyes ; and Monsieur Iloselli:^ only can cure the gout. 
 We pretend to none of these things ; but to examine 
 who and who are together, to tell any mistaken man 
 he is not what he believes he is, to distinguish merit, 
 and expose false pretences to it; is a liberty our 
 family has by law in them, from an intermarriage 
 v/ith a daughter of Mr. Scoggin§, the famous droll 
 of the last century. This right I design to make use 
 of; but will not encroach upon the above-mentioned 
 adepts, or any other. At the same time, I shall 
 take all the privileges I may as an Englishman, and 
 will lay hold of the late act of naturalization to 
 introduce what I shall think fit from France. The 
 use of that law may, I hope, be extended to people 
 the polite world with new characters, as well as the 
 kingdom itself with new subjects. Therefore, an 
 author of that nation, called La Bruyere, I shall 
 make bold with on such occasions : the last person 
 1 read of in that writer was Lord Timon. Timon, 
 says ray author, is the most generous of all men ; 
 
 * Anderson was a Scotch physician in the reigns of Charles 
 I. and Charles II. 
 
 t The Queen's oculist. It is said that though he was won- 
 derfully successful, he could neither read nor write. 
 
 t Rosselli, sufficiently known from the Romance of his life, 
 which was written by himself. 
 
 § Scoggin was a bnfibon in the vcign of Ring James I.
 
 N3 9. TATLER. 73 
 
 but is so hurried away with that strong impulse of 
 bestowing, that he confers berietits without distinc- 
 tion, and is munificent without laying obligations : 
 for all the unworthy, who receive from him, have 
 so little sense of this noble infirmity, that they look 
 upon themselves rather as partners in a spoil, than 
 partakers of a bounty. The other day, coming 
 into Paris, I met Timon going out on horseback, 
 attended only by one servant. It struck me with a 
 sudden damp, to see a man of so excellent a dispo- 
 sition, and who understood making a figure so well, 
 so much shortened in his retinue : but, passing by 
 his house, I saw his great coach break to pieces 
 before his door, and by a strange enchantment im- 
 mediately turned into many different vehicles. The 
 first was a very pretty chariot, into which stepped 
 his Lordship's Secretary : the second was hung a 
 little heavier ; into that strutted the fat steward : 
 in an instant followed a chaise, which was entered 
 by the butler. The rest of the body and wheels 
 were forthwith changed into go-carts, and run away 
 with by the nurses and brats of the rest of the family. 
 What makes these misfortunes in the affairs of Timo!! 
 the more astonishing, is, that he has a better under- 
 standing than those who cheat him : so that a man 
 knows not which more to wonder at ; the indifference 
 of the master, or the impudence of the servant. 
 
 Whites Chocolate-house, April 29. 
 
 It is a matter of much s[>eculation among the 
 beaux and ogiers, what it is that can have made so 
 sudden a change, as has been of late observed, in 
 the whole behaviour of Pastorella, who never sat 
 still a moment till she was eighteen, which she has 
 now exceeded by two months. Her aunt, who has 
 the care of her, has not been always so rigid as she 
 is at this present date ; but has so good a sense of 
 tii;^ frailty of woman, and falsehood of man, that 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 74 TATLER. N^ 9. 
 
 she resolved on all manner of methods to keep Pas- 
 torella, if possible, in safety, against herself and all 
 her admirers. At the same time the good lady knew, 
 by long experience, that a gay inclination, curbed 
 too rashly, would but run to the greater excesses for 
 that restraint ; she therefore intended to watch her, 
 and take some opportunity of engaging her insensibly 
 in her own interests, without the anguish of an admo- 
 nition. You are to knoAv then, that Miss, with all 
 her flirting and ogling, had also a strong curiosity in 
 her, and was the greatest eaves-dropper breathing. 
 Parisatis (for so her prudent aunt is called) observed 
 this humour, and retires one day to her closet, into 
 which she knew Pastorella would peep, and listen 
 to know how she was employed. It happened accord- 
 ingly ; and the young lady saw her good governante 
 on her knees, and, after a mental behaviour, break 
 into these words : "As for the dear child committed 
 to my care, let her sobriety of carriage, and seve- 
 rity of behaviour, be such as may make that noble 
 Lord who is taken with her beauty, turn his designs 
 to such as are honourable." Here Parisatis heard 
 her niece nestle closer to the key-hole : she then 
 goes on : " Make her the joyful mother of a nu- 
 merous and wealthy offspring ; and let her carriage 
 be such, as may make this noble youth expect the 
 blessings of an happy marriage, from the singularity 
 of her life, in this loose and censorious age." Miss, 
 having heard enough, sneaks off for fear of disco- 
 very, and immediately at her glass alters the sitting 
 of her head ; then pulls up her tucker ; and forms 
 herself into the exact manner of Lindamira : in a 
 word, becomes a sincere convert to every thing that 
 is commendable in a fine young lady; and two or 
 three such matches, as her aunt feigned in her de- 
 votions, are at this day in her choice. This is the 
 history and original cause of Pastorella's conversion 
 from coquetry. The prudence in the management of
 
 N" 9. TATLER. 75 
 
 this young lady's temper, and good judgment of it, 
 is hardly to be exceeded. I scarce remember a 
 greater instance of forbearance of the usual peevish 
 way with which the aged treat the young, than this, 
 except that of our famous Noy, whose good-nature 
 went so far, as to make him put off his admonitions 
 to his son, even imtil after his death ; and did not 
 give him his thoughts of him, until he came to read 
 that memorable passage in his will : " All the rest 
 of my estate," says he, " I leave to my son Edward 
 (who is executor to this my will), to be squandered 
 as he shall think fit : I leave it him for that purpose, 
 and hope no better from him." A generous disdain, 
 and reflection upon how little he deserved from so 
 excellent a father, reformed the young man, and 
 made Edward from an arrant rake become a fine 
 gentleman. 
 
 »S*. Jameses Coffee-house, April 29. 
 
 Letters from Portugal of the eighteenth instant, 
 dated from Estremos, say, that on the sixth the 
 Earl of Galloway arrived at that place, and had the 
 satisfaction to see the quarters well furnished with 
 all manner of provisions, and a quantity of bread 
 sufficient for subsisting the troops for sixty days, 
 besides biscuits for twenty-five days. The enemy 
 give out, that they shall bring into the field four- 
 teen regiments of horse, and twenty-four battalions. 
 The troops in the service of Portugal will make up 
 14,000 foot, and 4000 horse. On the day these 
 letters were dispatched, the Earl of Galloway re- 
 ceived advice, that the Marquis de Bay, was pre- 
 paring for some enterprize, by gathering his troops 
 together on the frontiers ; whereupon his Excellency 
 resolved to go that same night to Villa Viciosa, to 
 assemble the troops in that neighbourhood, in order 
 to disappoint his designs.
 
 76 TATLER. N* 9. 
 
 Yesterday in the evening Captain Foxton, aid- 
 de-camp to Major-General Cadogan, arrived here 
 express from the Duke of Marlborough. And this 
 day a mail is come in with letters from Brussels, of 
 the sixth of May, N. S. which advise, that the enemy 
 had drawn together a body, consisting of 20,000 
 men, Avith a design, as was supposed, to intercept 
 the great convoy on the march towards Lisle, which 
 was safely arrived at Menin and Courtray, in its 
 way to that place, the French having retired without 
 making any attempt. 
 
 We hear from the Hague, that a person of the 
 first quality is arrived in the Low Countries from 
 France, in order to be a Plenipotentiary in an en- 
 suing treaty of peace. 
 
 Letters from France acknowledge, that Monsieur 
 Bernard has made no higher offers of satisfaction to 
 his creditors than of 351. per cent. 
 
 These advices add, that the Marshal Boufflers, 
 Monsieur Torcy (who distinguished himself formerly, 
 by advising the Court of France to adhere to the 
 treaty of Partition), and Monsieur d'Harcourt (who 
 negotiated with, Cardinal Portocarrero for the suc- 
 cession of the Crown of Spain in the house of Bour- 
 bon), are all three joined in a commission for a treaty 
 of peace. The Marshal is come to Ghent ; the other 
 two are arrived at the Hague. 
 
 It is confidently reported here, that the Right 
 Honourable the Lord Townshend is to go with his 
 Grace the Duke of Mailborough into Holland. 
 
 *.j;* BIr. Bickerstaft' has received the epistles of 
 Mrs. Rebecca Wagstaff, Timothy Pikestafi^", and 
 ^V agstafi^", which he will acknowledge farther, as oc- 
 casion shall serve.
 
 N® 10. TATLER. 77 
 
 N° 10. TUESDAY, MAY 3, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, S6, 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream. 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Mrs. Jenny Distaff, Half-Sister to 
 
 Mr, BiCKERSTAFF. 
 
 From my oicn Apartment, May 1. 
 
 My brother Isaac, having a sudden occasion to go 
 out of town, ordered me to take upon me the dis- 
 patch of the next advices from home, with liberty 
 to speak in my own way : not doubting the allow- 
 ances which would be given to a writer of my sex. 
 You may be sure I undertook it with much satis- 
 faction ; and, I confess, I am not a little pleased 
 with an opportunity of running over all the papers 
 in his closet, which he has left open for my use on 
 this occasion. The first that I lay my hands on, is 
 a treatise concerning " the empire of beauty," and 
 the effects it has had in all nations of the world, 
 upon the public and private actions of men ; with 
 an appendix, which he calls, " The bachelor's 
 scheme for governing his v/ife." The first thing 
 he makes this gentleman propose is, that she shall 
 be no woman ; for she is to have an aversion to 
 balls, to operas, to visits ; she is to think his com- 
 pany sufficient to fill up all the hours of life with 
 great satisfaction ; she is never to believe any other 
 man wise, learned, or valiant; or, at least, but in 
 a second degree. In the next place, he intends she 
 shall be a cuckold; but expects, that he himself 
 must live in a perfect security from that terror. 
 He dwells a great while on instructions for her 
 
 H 2
 
 Hi TATLER. h° 10. 
 
 discreet behaviour, in case of his falsehood. I have 
 not patience with these unreasonable expectations, 
 therefore turn back to the treatise itself. Here, in- 
 deed, my brother deduces all the revolutions among 
 men from the passion of love ; and in his preface 
 answers that usual observation against us, " that 
 there is no quarrel without a woman in it;" with 
 a gallant assertion, that " there is nothing else 
 worth quarrelling for." My brother is of a com- 
 plexion truly amorous ; all his thoughts and actions 
 carry in them a tincture of that obliging inclination ; 
 and this turn has opened his eyes to see, that we 
 are not the inconsiderable creatures which unlucky 
 pretenders to our favour would insinuate. He ob- 
 serves, that no man begins to make any tolerable 
 figure until he sets out with the hopes of pleasing 
 some one of us: no sooner he takes that in hand, 
 but he pleases every one else by the bye ; it has an 
 immediate effect upon his behaviour. There is 
 Colonel Ranter, who never spoke without an oath, 
 until he saw the Lady Betty Modish; now, never 
 gives his man an order, but it is, " Pray, Tom, do 
 it." The drawers where he drinks live in perfect 
 happiness. He asked Will at the George the other 
 day, how he did? Where he used to say, *' Damn 
 it, it is so ;" he now " believes there is some mis- 
 take; he must confess he is of another opinion; but, 
 however, he will not insist." 
 
 Every temper, except downright insipid, is to 
 be animated and softened by the influence of 
 beauty ; but of this untractable sort is a lifeless 
 handsome fellow that visits us, whom I have 
 dressed at this twelvemonth ; but he is as insen- 
 sible of all the art I used, as if he conversed all that 
 time with his nurse. He out-does our whole sex in 
 all the faults our enemies impute to us ; he has 
 brought laziness into an opinion, and makes his 
 indolence his philosophy ; insomuch that, no longer
 
 N" 10. TATLEIl. 79 
 
 ago than yesterday in the evening he gave me this 
 account of himself: " I am. Madam, perfectly un- 
 moved at all that passes among men, and seldom 
 give myself the fatigue of going among them ; but 
 when I do, I always appear the same thing to those 
 whom I converse with. My hours of existence, or 
 being awake, are from eleven in the morning to 
 eleven at night ; half of which I live to myself, in 
 picking my teeth, washing my hands, paring my 
 nails, and looking in the glass. The insignificancy 
 of manners to the rest of the world, makes the 
 laughers call me a Quidnunc ; a phrase which I 
 neither understand, nor shall ever inquire what 
 they mean by it. The last of me each night is at 
 St. James's coffee-house, where I converse ; yet 
 never fall into a dispute on any occasion ; but leave 
 the understanding 1 have passive of all that goes 
 through it, without entering into the business of 
 life. And thus. Madam, have I arrived, by lazi- 
 ness, to what others pretend to by philosophy, a 
 perfect neglect of the world." Sure, if our sex 
 had the liberty of frequenting public-houses and 
 conversations, we should put these rivals of our 
 faults and follies out of countenance. However, 
 we shall soon have the pleasure of being acquainted 
 with them one way or other ; for my brother Isaac 
 designs, for the use of our sex, to give the exact 
 characters of all the chief politicians who frequent 
 any of the coffee-houses from St. James's to the 
 Exchange ; but designs to begin with that cluster 
 of wise heads, as they are found sitting every even- 
 ing from the left side of the fire, at the Smyrna, to 
 the door. This will be of great service to us; and T 
 have authority to promise an exact journal of their 
 deliberations ; the publication of which I am to be 
 allowed for pin-money. In the mean time, I cast 
 my eye upon a new book, which gave me more 
 pleasing entertainment, being a sixth part of Mis-
 
 80 TATLfeR. N" 10. 
 
 cellany Poems published by Jacob Tonson * which 
 I find, by my brother's notes upon it, no way infe- 
 rior to the other volumes. There is, it seems, in 
 this a collection of the best pastorals that have hi- 
 therto appeared in England ; but among them none 
 superior to that dialogue between Sylvia and Do- 
 rinda, written by one of my own sex, ; f where all our 
 little weaknesses are laid open in a manner more just, 
 and with truer raillery, than ever man yet hit upon. 
 
 Only this I now discern, 
 From the things thoii'dst have me learn, 
 That womankind's peculiar joys 
 From past or present beauties rise. 
 
 But, to re-assume my first design, there cannot be 
 a greater instance of the command of females, than 
 in the prevailing charms of the heroine in the play, 
 which was acted this night, called. All for Love ; 
 or. The World well lost. The enamoured Anthony 
 resigns glory and power to the force of the attrac- 
 tive Cleopatra, whose charms were the defence of 
 her diadem against a people otherwise invincible. 
 It is so natural for women to talk of themselves, that 
 it is to be hoped, all my own sex will at least pardon 
 me, that I could fall into no other discourse. If we 
 have their favour, we give ourselves very little 
 anxiety for the rest of our readers. I believe, I see 
 a sentence of Latin in my brother's day-book of wit, 
 which seems applicable on this occasion, and in 
 contempt of the critics, 
 
 Tristitiam et metus 
 
 Tradam protervis in mare CreiicumX 
 
 Portare venlis. Hor. 1. Od. xxvi. 2. 
 
 No boding fears shall break my rest, 
 
 Nor anxious cares invade my breast ; 
 
 Puff them, ye wanton gales, away, 
 
 And plunge them in the Cretan sea. R. Wvnne. 
 
 * Usually called Dryden's collection. 
 t By Mrs. Elizabeth Singer, afterwards Mrs. Rowe. 
 i The humour of Mrs. Jenny Distaff's Latin quotation rises 
 out of the similarity between the words Creticum and Criticum.
 
 N" 10. TATLER. B1 
 
 But I am interrupted by a packet from Mr. Kid- 
 ney, from St. James's coffee-house, which I am 
 obliged to insert in the very style and words which 
 Mr. Kidney uses in his letter. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 2. 
 
 We are advised by letters from Bern, dated the 
 first instant, N. S. that the Duke of Berwick ar- 
 rived at Lyons the twenty-fifth of the last month 
 and continued his journey the next day to visit the 
 passes of the mountains, and other posts in Dau- 
 phine and Provence. These letters also informed 
 us, that the miseries of the people in France are 
 heightened to that degree, that unless a peace be 
 speedily concluded, half of that kingdom would 
 perish for want of bread. On the twenty-fourth, 
 the Marshal de Thesse passed through Lyons, in 
 his way to Versailles; and two battalions, which 
 were marching from Alsace to reinfore the army 
 of the Duke of Berwick, passed also through that 
 place. Those troops were to be followed by six 
 battalions more. 
 
 Letters from Naples of the sixteenth of April 
 say, that the Marquis de Prie's son was arrived 
 there, with instructions from his father, to signify 
 to the Viceroy the necessity his Imperial Majesty 
 was under of desiring an aid from that kingdom, for 
 can-j'ing on the extraordinary expences of the war. 
 On the fourteenth of the same month, they made a 
 review of the Spanish troops in that garrison, and 
 afterwards of the marines ; one part of whom will 
 embark with those designed for Barcelona, and the 
 rest are to be sent on board the gallies appointed to 
 convey provisions to that place. 
 
 We hear from Rome, by letters dated the twen- 
 tieth of April, that the Count de Mellos, Envoy 
 from the King of Portugal, had made his public 
 entry into that city with much state and magniti-
 
 82 TATLER. N" 10. 
 
 cence. The Pope has lately held two other consis- 
 tories, wherein he made a promotion of two Cardi- 
 nals ; but the acknowledgment of King Charles is 
 still deferred. 
 
 Letters from other parts of Italy advise us, that 
 the Doge of Venice continues dangerously ill ; that 
 the Prince de Carignan, having relapsed into a 
 violent fever, died the twenty-third of April in his 
 eightieth year. 
 
 Advices from Vienna of the twenty-seventh of 
 April import, that the Archbishop of Saltzberg is 
 dead, who is succeeded by Count Harrach, form- 
 erly Bishop of Vienna, and for these last three 
 years coadjutor to the said Archbishop ; and that 
 Prince Maximilian of Linchtenstein is likewise de- 
 parted this life at his country seat called Cromaw, 
 in Moravia. These advices add, that the Emperor 
 has named Count Zinzendorf, Count Goes, and 
 Monsieur Consbruck, for his plenipotentiaries in 
 an ensuing treaty of peace; and they hear from 
 Hungary, that the Imperialists have had several 
 successful skirmishes with the malcontents. 
 
 Letters from Paris, dated May the sixth, say, that 
 the Marshal de Thesse arrived there on the twenty- 
 ninth of the last month, and that the Chevalier de 
 Beuil was sent thither by Don Pedro Ronquillo with 
 advice, that the confederate squadron appeared be- 
 fore Alicant on the seventeenth, and, having for 
 some time cannonaded the city, endeavoured to land 
 some troops for the relief of the castle ; but General 
 Stanhope, finding the passes well guarded, and the 
 enterprise dangerous, demanded to capitulate for 
 the castle; which being granted him, the garrison, 
 consisting of (JOO regular troops, marched out with 
 their arms and baggage the day following; and being 
 received on board, they immediately set sail for 
 Barcelona. These letters add, that the march of 
 the French and Swiss regiments is further deferred
 
 N" 10. TATLER. 83 
 
 for a few days ; and that the Duke of Noailles was 
 just ready to set out for Roussillon, as well as the 
 Count de Bezons for Catalonia. 
 
 The same advices say, bread was sold at Paris for 
 sixpence a pound ; and that there was not half 
 enough, even at that rate, to supply the necessities 
 of the people, which reduced them to the utmost 
 despair; that 300 men had taken up arms, and, 
 having plundered the market of the suburb of St. 
 Germain, pressed down by their multitude the 
 king's guards who opposed them. Two of those 
 mutineers were afterwards seized and condemned to 
 death : but four others went to the magistrate who 
 pronounced that sentence, and told him, he must 
 expect to answer with his own life for those of their 
 comrades. All order and sense of government being 
 thus lost among the enraged people ; to keep up a 
 show of authority, the captain of the guards, who 
 saw all their insolence, pretended, that he had re- 
 presented to the king their deplorable condition, and 
 had obtained their pardon. It is further reported, 
 that the Dauphin and Dutchess of Burgundy, as 
 they went to the opera were surrounded by crowds 
 of people, who upbraided them with their neglect 
 of the general calamity, in going to diversions, when 
 the whole people were ready to perish for want of 
 bread. Edicts are daily published to suppress these 
 riots; and papers, with menaces against the govern- 
 ment, as publicly thrown about. Among others, 
 these words were dropped in a court of justice : 
 " France wants a Ilavilliac, or a Jesuit, to deliver 
 her." Besides this universal distress, there is a 
 contagious sickness, which, it is feared, will end in 
 a pestilence. Letters from Bourdeaux bring accounts 
 no less lamentable : the peasants are driven by 
 hunger from their abodes into that city, and make 
 lamentations in the streets without redress. 
 
 We are advised by letters from the Hague, dated
 
 84 TATLER. N° 10. 
 
 the tenth instant, N. S. that on the sixth, the Mar- 
 quis de Torcy arrived there from Paris; but the 
 passport, by which he came, having been sent blank 
 by Monsieur Rouille, he vpas there two days before 
 his quaUty was known. That minister oftered to 
 communicate to Monsieur Heinsius the proposals 
 which he had to make ; but the Pensionary refused 
 to see them, and said, he would signify it to the 
 States, who deputed some of their own body to ac- 
 quaint him, that they would enter into no negociation 
 until the arrival of his grace the Duke of Marlborough, 
 and the other ministers of the alliance. Prince Eu- 
 gene was expected there the twelfth instant from 
 Brussels. It is said, that besides Monsieur de 
 Torcy, and Monsieur Pajot, director-general of the 
 posts, there are two or three persons at the Hague 
 whose names are not known; but it is supposed, 
 that the Duke d'Alba, ambassador from the Duke 
 of Anjou, was one of them. The States have sent 
 letters to all the cities of the provinces, desiring them 
 to send their deputies to receive the propositions of 
 peace made by the court of France. 
 
 *^* In the absence of Mrs. Bickerstaff, Mr. Distaff 
 has received Mr. Nathaniel Broomstick's letter. 
 
 N" 11. THURSDAY, MAY 5. 1700. 
 
 Quicqtdd agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago llbelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85,80. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire. 
 
 WilFs Coffee-home, May 3. 
 
 A KINSMAN has sent me a letter, wherein he in- 
 forms me, he had lately resolved to write an heroic
 
 N° 11. TATLER. 85 
 
 poem, but by business has been interrupted, and 
 has only made one similitude, which he should be 
 afflicted to have lost; and begs of me to apply 
 it to something, being very desirous to see it 
 well placed in the world. I am so willing to help 
 the distressed, that I have taken it in : but, though 
 his greater genius might very well distinguish his 
 verses from mine, I have marked where his begin. 
 His lines are a description of the sun in eclipse, 
 which I know nothing more like than a brave man 
 in sorrow, who bears it as he should, without im- 
 ploring the pity of his friends, or being dejected with 
 the contempt of his enemies : as in the case of Cato, 
 
 When all the globe to Caesar's fortune bow'd, 
 Cato alone his empire disallow 'd ; 
 "With inborn strength alone oppos'd mankind, 
 With Heav'n in view, to all below it blind : 
 Regardless of his friends' applause, or moan. 
 Alone triumphant, since he falls alone. * 
 " Thus when the Ruler of the genial day 
 Behind some dark'ning planet forms his way, 
 Desponding mortals, with officious care, 
 The concave drum and magic brass prepare ; 
 Implore him to sustain th' important fight, 
 And save depending worlds from endless night ; 
 Fondly they hope their labour may avail 
 To ease his conflict, and assist his toil, i 
 
 Whilst he, in beams of native splendour bright, 
 (Though dark his orb appear to human sight) 
 Shines to the gods with moie diffusive light; 
 To distant stars with equal glory burns, 
 Inflames their lamps, and feeds their golden urns, 
 Sure to retain his known superior tract. 
 And proves the more illustrious by defect." 
 
 This is a very lively image ; but I must take the 
 liberty to say, my kinsman drives the sun a little 
 like Pha;ton: he has all the warmth of Phoibus, 
 but will not stay for his direction of it. Avail and 
 toil, tlefcef and tract, will never do for rhymes. But, 
 however, he has the true spirit in him; for which 
 
 * The verses are by Mr. Jabez Hu ghes. 
 I
 
 86 TATLER. NMl. 
 
 reason I was willing ta entertain any thing he pleased 
 to send to me. The subject which he writes upon 
 naturally raises great reflections in the soul, and puts 
 us in mind of the mixed condition which we mortals 
 are to support; which as it varies to good or bad, 
 adorns or defaces our actions to the beholders : 
 all which glory and shame must end in what we so 
 much repine at, death. But doctrines on this occa- 
 sion, any other than that of living well, are the most 
 insignificant and most empty of all the labours of 
 men. None but a tragedian can die by rule, and 
 wait till he discovers a plot, or says a fine thing upon 
 his exit. In real life, this is a chimera; and by 
 noble spirits it will be done decently, without the 
 ostentation of it. We see men of all conditions and 
 characters go through it with equal resolution : and 
 if we consider the speeches of the mighty philoso- 
 phers, heroes, lawgivers, and great captains, they 
 can produce no more in a discerning spirit, than rules 
 to make a man a fop on his death-bed. Commend 
 me to that natural greatness of soul, expressed by 
 an innocent, and consequently resolute country-fel- 
 low, who said in the pains of the cholick, "If I 
 once get this breath out of my body, you shall hang 
 me before you put it in again. " Honest Ned ! and 
 so he died.* 
 
 But it is to be supposed, that from this place you 
 may expect an account of such a thing as a new 
 play is not to be omitted. That acted this night is 
 the newest that ever was writ. The author is my 
 ingenious friend Mr. Thomas Durfey. This Drama 
 is called, "The Modern Prophets," and is a most 
 unanswerable satire against the late spirit of enthu- 
 siasm. The writer had by long experience observed 
 that, in company, very grave discourses had been 
 followed by bawdry ; and therefore has turned the 
 
 * This Ned Mas a farmer of Anthony Henley, Esq. who 
 mentions this saying of his in a letter to Swift.
 
 N»ll. TATLER. 87 
 
 humour that way with great success, and taken 
 from his audience all manner of superstition, by the 
 agitations of pretty Mrs. Bignell, whom he has, 
 with great subtlety, made a lay sister, as well as a 
 prophetess; by which means she carries on the af- 
 fairs of both worlds with great success. My friend 
 designs to go on with another work against winter, 
 which he intends to call, "The Modern Poets," a 
 people no less mistaken in their opinions of being in- 
 spired, than the other. In order to this, he has by 
 him seven songs, besides many ambiguities, which 
 cannot be mistaken for any thing but what he means 
 them. Mr. Durfey generally writes state-plays, and 
 is wonderfully useful to the world in such representa- 
 tions. This method is the same that was used by 
 the old Athenians, to laugh out of countenance or 
 promote opinions among the people. My friend 
 has therefore, against this play is acted for his own 
 benefit, made two dances, which may be also of an 
 universal benefit. In the first he has represented ab- 
 solute power in the person of a tall man with a hat 
 and feather, who gives his first minister, that stands 
 just before him, an huge kick; the minister gives the 
 kick to the next before ; and so to the end of the 
 stage. In this moral and practical jest, you are made 
 to understand, that there is, in an absolute govern- 
 ment, no gratification, but giving the kick you re- 
 ceive from one above you, to one below you. This 
 is performed to a grave and melancholy air; but 
 on a sudden the tune moves quicker, and the 
 whole companj)^ fall into a circle, and take hands; 
 and then, at a certain sharp note, they move round, 
 and kick as kick can. This latter performance he 
 makes to be the representation of a free state; where, 
 if you all mind your steps, you may go round and 
 round very jolly, with a motion pleasant to yourselves 
 and those you dance with : nay, if you put youselves
 
 88 TATLER. N" 11. 
 
 out, at the worst you only kick and are kicked, like 
 friends and equals. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 4. 
 Of all the vanities under the sun, I confess that of 
 being proud of one's birth is the greatest. At the 
 same time, since in this unreasonable age, by the 
 force of prevailing custom, things in which men have 
 no hand are imputed to them ; and that I am used by 
 some people, as if Isaac Bickerstaff, though I write 
 myself Esquire, was nobody : to set the world right 
 in that particular, I shall give you may genealogy, 
 as a kinsman of ours has sent it me from the Herald's 
 Office. It is certain, and observed by the wisest 
 writers, that there are women who are not nicely 
 chaste, and men not severely honest, in all families; 
 therefore let those who may be apt to raise aspersions 
 upon ours, please to give us as impartial an account of 
 their own, and we shall be satisfied. The l>usiness 
 of heralds is a matter of so great nicety, that, to avoid 
 mistakes, I shall give you my cousin's letter, verba- 
 tim, without altering a syllable. 
 
 " Dear Cousin, 
 
 " Since you have been pleased to make yourself 
 so famous of late, by your ingenious writings, and 
 some time ago by your learned predictions : since 
 Partridge, of immortal memory, is dead and gone, 
 who, poetical as he was, could not understand his 
 own poetry ; and philomatical as he was, could not 
 read his own destiny: since the pope, the king of 
 France, and great part of his court, are either lite- 
 rally or metaphorically defunct : since, I say, these 
 things (not foretold by any one but yourself) have 
 come to pass after so surprising a manner: it is with 
 no small concern I see the original of the Staffian 
 race so little known in the world as it is at this time ; 
 for which reason, as you have employed your studies 
 in astronomy, and the occult sciences, so I, my
 
 N" 11. TATLER. 89 
 
 mother bt-ing- a Welsh woman, dedicated mine to 
 genealogy, particularly that of our own family, which, 
 for its antiquity and number, may challenge any in 
 Great Britain. The Staffs are originally of Stafford- 
 shire, which took its name from them : the first that 
 I find of the Staffs was one Jacobstaff, a famous and 
 renowned astronomer, who by Dorothy his wife, had 
 issue seven sons, viz. Bickerstaff, Longstaff, Wag- 
 stafF, Quarterstaff, Whitestaff, Falstaff, and Tip- 
 staff. He also had a younger brother, who was 
 twice married, and had five sons, viz. Distaff, Pike- 
 staff, Mopstaft^ Broomstaff, and Raggedstaff. As 
 for the branch from whence you spring, I shall say 
 very little of it, only that it is the chief of the Staffs, 
 and called Bickerstaff, qriasi Biggerstaff ; as much 
 as to say, the Great Staff, or Staff of Staffs ; and 
 that it has applied itself to astronomy with great suc- 
 cess, after the example of our aforesaid forefather. 
 The descendants from Longstaff, the second son, 
 were a rakish, disorderly sort of people, and rambled 
 from one place to another, until, in the time of Harry 
 the Second, they settled in Kent, and were called 
 Long-Tails, from the long tails which were sent them 
 as a punishment for the murder of Thomas a-Becket, 
 as the legends say. They have always been sought 
 after by the ladies ; bat whether it be to show their 
 aversion to popery, or their love to miracles, I can- 
 not say. The Wagstaffs are a merry, thoughtless 
 sort of people, who have always been opinionated of 
 their own wit ; they have turned themselves mostly 
 to poetry. This is the most numerous branch of our 
 family, and the poorest. The Quarterstaffs are most 
 of them prize-fighters or deerstealers ; there have 
 been so many of them hanged lately, that there are 
 very few of that branch of our family left. The 
 Whitestaffs* are all courtiers, and have had very 
 
 * An allusion to the staflF that is carried, as an ensign of 
 his office, by the first Lord of the Treasury, who is afterwards 
 
 I 2
 
 90 TATLER. N'll. 
 
 considerable places. There have been some of them 
 of that strength and dexterity, that five hundred* 
 of the ablest men in the kingdom have often tugged 
 in vain to pulla staff out of their hands. The Fal- 
 staffs are strangely given to whoring and drinking : 
 there are abundance of them in and about London. 
 One thing is very remarkable of this branch, and that 
 is, there are just as many women as men in it. There 
 was a wicked stick of wood of this name in Henry 
 the Fourth's time, one Sir John FalstafF. As for 
 Tipstaff, the youngest son, he was an honest fellow; 
 but his sons, and his sons' sons, have all of them 
 been the veriest rogues living : it is this unlucky 
 branch that has stocked the nation with that swarm 
 of lawyers, attorneys, seijeants, and bailiffs, with 
 which the nation is over-run. Tipstaff, being a 
 seventh son, used to cure the king's evil; but his 
 rascally descendants are so far from having that 
 healing quality, that, by a touch upon the shoulder, 
 they give a man such au ill habit of body, that he 
 can never come abroad afterwards. This is all I 
 know of the line of Jacobstaff : his younger brother 
 Isaacstaff, as I told you before, had five sons, and 
 was married twice ; his first wife was a Staff (for 
 they did not stand upon false heraldry in those days) 
 by whom he had one son, who, in process of time, 
 being a schoolmaster, and well read in the Greek, 
 called himself Distaff or Twicestaff. He was not 
 very rich, so he put his children out to trades, and 
 the Distaffs have ever since been employed in the 
 woollen and linen manufactures, except myself, who 
 am a genealogist. Pikestaff, the eldest son by the 
 second venter, was a man of business, a downright 
 plodding fellow, and withall so plain that he became 
 a proverb. Most of this family are at present in the 
 
 humourously compared by Steele to '^ an emmet distinguish- 
 ed from his fellows by a white straw." 
 
 • The House of Commons.
 
 N" 11. TATLER. 91 
 
 army. Raggedstaff was an unlucky boy, and used 
 to tear his clothes in getting birds' nests, and was 
 always playing with a tame bear his father kept. 
 Mopstaff fell in love with one of his father's maids, 
 and used to help her to clean the house. BroomstafF 
 was a chimney-sweeper. The Mopstafl's and Broom- 
 staiFs are naturally as civil people as ever went out 
 of doors : but, alas! if they once get into ill hands, 
 they knock down all before them. Pilgrimstatr ran 
 away from his friends, and went strolling about the 
 country : and Pipestaff was a wine-cooper. These 
 two were the unlawful issue of Longstaft". 
 
 " N. B. The Canes, the Clubs, the Cudgels, the 
 Wands, the Devil upon two Sticks,* and one Bread, 
 that goes by the name of Statf-of-Life, are none of 
 our relations. I am, dear Cousin, 
 
 " Your humble servant. 
 From the Herald's Office, " J). DiSTAFF." 
 
 May 1, 1709. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 4. 
 
 As political news is not the principal subject on 
 which we treat, we are so happy as to have no oc- 
 casion for that art of cookery which our brother 
 newsmongers so much excel in : as appears by their 
 excellent and inimitable manner of dressing up a se- 
 cond time for your taste the same dish which they 
 gave you the day before, in case there come over 
 no new pickles from Holland. Therefore, when we 
 have nothing to say to you from courts and camps, 
 we hope still to give you somewhat new and curious 
 from ourselves ; the women of our house, upon oc- 
 casion, being capable of carrying on the business, 
 according to the laudable custom of the wives in 
 Holland : but without farther preface, take what we 
 have not mentioned in our former relations. 
 
 Letters from Hanover, of the thirtieth of the last 
 
 • An allusion to the " Diable Boiteux" of Le Sage.
 
 92 TATLER. N" 11, 
 
 month, say, that the Prince Royal of Prussia ar- 
 rived there on the fifteenth, and left that court on 
 the second of this month, in pursuit of his journey to 
 Flanders, where he makes the ensuing campaign. 
 Those advices add, that the young Prince Nassau, 
 hereditary governor of Friesland, celebrated on the 
 twenty-sixth of the last month his marriage with the 
 beauteous Princess of Hesse-Cassel, with a pomp 
 and magnificence suitable to their age and quality. 
 
 Letters from Paris say, his most Christian Ma- 
 jesty retired to Marly on the first instant, N. S. and 
 our last advices from Spain inform us, that the 
 Prince of Asturias had made his public entry into 
 Madrid in great splendor. The Duke of Anjou has 
 given Don Joseph Hartado de Amaraga the govern- 
 ment of Terra Firma de Veragua, and the presi- 
 dency of Panama in America. They add, that the 
 forces commanded by the Marquis de Bay have been 
 reinforced by six battalions of Spanish Walloon 
 guards. Letters from Lisbon advise, that the army 
 of the king of Portugal was at Elvas on the twenty- 
 second of the last month, and would decamp on the 
 twenty-fourth, in order to march upon the enemy, 
 who lay at Badajos. 
 
 Yesterday, at four in the morning, his grace the 
 Duke of Marlborough set out for Margate, and em- 
 barked for Holland at eight this morning. 
 
 Yesterday also Sir George Thorold was declared 
 Alderman of Cordwainers' Ward, in the room of his 
 brother Sir Charles Thorold, deceased. 
 
 Advertisement. 
 
 *^* Any ladies who have any particular stories of 
 their acquaintance, which they are willing privately 
 to make public, may send them by the penny-post 
 to Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq. inclosed to Mr. John 
 Morphew, near Stationers' Hall.
 
 N" 12. ^ TATLER. i#o 
 
 N" 12. SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1701). 
 
 Quicquid agunt komines- 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Jiiv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 3Iay 5, 
 
 When a man has engaged to keep a stage-coach, 
 he is obUged, whether he has passengers or not, to 
 set out: thus it fares with us weekly historians; but 
 indeed, for my particular, I hope I shall soon have 
 little more to do in this work, than to publish what 
 is sent me from such as have leisure and capacity 
 for giving delight, and being pleased in an elegant 
 manner. The present grandeur of the British nation 
 might make us expect, that we should rise in our 
 public diversions, and manner of enjoying life, in 
 proportion to our advancement in glory and power. 
 Instead of that, survey this town and you v/ill find 
 rakes and debauchees are your men of pleasure ; 
 thoughtless atheists and illiterate drunkards call 
 themselves free-thinkers ; and gamesters, banterers, 
 biters, swearers, and twenty new-boin insects more, 
 are, in their several species, the modern men of wit. 
 Hence it is, that a man, who has been out of town 
 but one half year, has lost the language, and must 
 have some friend to stand by him, and keep him in 
 countenance for talking common sense. To-day I 
 saw a short interlude at White's, of this nature, which 
 I took notes of, and put together as well as I could 
 in a public place. The persons of the drama are 
 Pip, the last gentleman that has been made so at 
 cards ; Trimmer, a person half undone at them, and 
 who is now between a cheat and a gentleman ; Acorn, 
 an honest Englishman of good plain sense and mean-
 
 94 TATLER. N" 12. 
 
 ing ; and Mr. Friendly, a reasonable man of the 
 town. 
 
 Whitens Chocolate-house, May 5. 
 
 Enter Pip, Trimmer, and Acorn. 
 
 Ac. What is the matter, gentlemen ; what ! take 
 no notice of an old friend ? 
 
 Pip. Pox on it ! do not talk to me, I am vowel- 
 ed by the count, and cursedly out of humour. 
 
 Ac. Voweled! pr'ythee, Trimmer, what does he 
 mean by that ? 
 
 Trim. Have a care, Harry, speak softly; do not 
 show your ignorance : if you do, they will bite you 
 wherever they meet you; they are such cursed curs, 
 the present wits. 
 
 Ac. Bite me ! what do you mean ? 
 
 Pip. Why ! do not you know what biting is ? 
 nay, you are in the right on it. However, one 
 would learn it only to defend one's self against men 
 of wit, as one would know the tricks of play, to be 
 secure against the cheats. But do not you hear. 
 Acorn, that report, that some potentates of the 
 alliance have taken care of themselves exclusively 
 of us? 
 
 Ac. How ! Heaven forbid ! after all our glorious 
 victories ; all the expence of blood and treasure ! 
 
 Pip. Bite! 
 
 Ac. Bite! how? 
 
 Trim. Nay, he has bit you fairly enough ; that is 
 certain. 
 
 Ac. Pox ! I do not feel it How ? where ? 
 
 [Exeimt Pip and Trimmer laughing. 
 
 Ac. Ho ! Mr. Friendly, your most humble ser- 
 vant; you heard what passed between those fine 
 gentlemen and me. Pip complained to me, that he 
 had been voweled; and they tell me I am bit. 
 
 Friend. You are to understand. Sir, that simpli- 
 city of behaviour, which is the perfection of good
 
 N° 12. TATLER. 95 
 
 breeding and good sense, is utterly lost in the world ; 
 and in the room of it there are started a thousand 
 little inventions, which men, barren of better things, 
 take up in the place of it. Thus for every character 
 in conversation that used to please, there is an im- 
 postor put upon you. Him whom we allowed, for- 
 merly, for a certain pleasant subtlety and natural way 
 of giving you an unexpected hit, called a Droll, is 
 now mimicked by a Biter, who is a dull fellow, that 
 tells you a lie with a grave face, and laughs at you 
 for knowing no better than to believe him. Instead 
 of that sort of companion who could rally you, and 
 keep his countenance, until he made you fall into 
 some little inconsistency of behaviour, at which you 
 yourself could laugh with him, you have the sneerer, 
 who will keep you company from morning to night, 
 to gather your follies of the day (which perhaps you 
 commit out of confidence in him) and expose you in 
 the evening to all the scorners in town. For your 
 man of sense and free spirit, whose set of thoughts 
 were built upon learning, reason, and experience, 
 you have now an impudent creature made up of vice 
 only, who supports his ignorance by his courage, 
 and want of learning by contempt of it. 
 
 Ac. Dear Sir, hold : what you have told me al- 
 ready of this change in conversation is too miserable 
 to be heard with any delight ; but methinks as these 
 new creatures appear in the world, it might give an 
 excellent field to writers for the stage, to divert us 
 with the representation of them there. 
 
 Friend. No, no; as you say, there might be 
 some hopes of redress of those grievances, if there 
 were proper care taken of the theatre ; but the history 
 of that is yet more lamentable, than that of the de- 
 cay of conversation I gave you. 
 
 Ac. Pray, Sir, a little. I have not been in town 
 these six years, until within this fortnight. 
 
 Friend. It is now some time since several revo-
 
 96 - TATLER. N°12. 
 
 lutions in the gay world had made the empire of the 
 stage subject to very fatal convulsions, which were 
 too dangerous to be cured by the skill of little King 
 Oberon*, who then sat on the throne of it. The lazi- 
 ness of this Prince threw him upon the choice of a 
 person who was fit to spend his life in contentions, an 
 able and profound attorney, to Avhom he mortgaged 
 his whole empire. This Divitof is the most skilful 
 of all politicians; he has a perfect art in being unin- 
 telligible in discourse, and uncomeatable in business : 
 but he, having no understanding in this way, brought 
 in upon us, to get in his money, ladder-dancers, rope- 
 dancers, jugglers, and mountebanks, to strut in the 
 place of Shakspeare's heroes, and Jonson's humour- 
 ists. When the seat of wit was thus mortgaged 
 without equity of redemption, an architect t arose, 
 who has built the Muse a new palace, but secured 
 her no retinue; so that, instead of action there, we 
 have been put oft' by song and dance. This latter 
 help of sound has also begun to fail for want of 
 voices ; therefore the palace has since been put into 
 the hands of a surgeon, who cuts any foreign fellow 
 into an eunuch§, and passes him upon us for a singer 
 of Italy. 
 
 Ac. I will go out of town to-m6rrow. 
 
 Friend. Things are come to this pass; and yet 
 the world will not understand, that the theatre has 
 much the same eft'ect on the manners of the age, as 
 the Bank on the credit of the nation. Wit and spirit, 
 humour and good sense, can never be revived but 
 under the government of those who are judges of 
 
 * Mr. Owen, or Mac Owen Swiny. 
 t CIn'istopher Rich. 
 i Sir John Vanbrugh. 
 
 § John-James Heydegger, Esq. styled here a surgeon, in 
 allusion to the employment assigned to him : he had at that 
 time the direction of the operas, as he had afterwards of the 
 masquerades.
 
 N" 12. TATLER. 97 
 
 su.ch talents ; who know, that whatever is put up in 
 their stead, is but a short and trifling expedient, to 
 support the appearance of them for a season. It is 
 possible, a peace will give leisure to put the matters 
 under new regulations; but, at present, all the assist- 
 ance we can see towards our recovery is as far from 
 giving us help, as a poultice is from performing what 
 can be done only by the grand elixir. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, May 6. 
 
 According to our late design in the applauded 
 verses On the Morning f, which you lately had from 
 hence, we proceed to improve that just intention, and 
 present you with other labours, made proper to the 
 place in which they were written. Thefollowing poem 
 comes from Copenhagen, and is as tine a winter- 
 piece as we have ever had from any of the schools 
 of the most learned painters. Such images as these 
 give us a new pleasure in our sight, and fix upon our 
 minds traces of reflection, which accompany us 
 whenever the like objects occur. In short, excellent 
 poetry and description dwell, upon us so agreeably, 
 that all the readers of them are made to think, if not 
 write, like men of wit. But it would be injury to 
 detain you longer from this excellent performance, 
 which is addressed to the Earl of Dorset by Mr. 
 Philips, the author of several choice poems in Mr. 
 Tonson's new Miscellany. 
 
 Copenhagen, March 9, 1709. 
 From frozen climes, and endless tracts of snow. 
 From streams that Northern winds forbid to flow, 
 U hat present shall the Muse to Dorset bring, 
 Or. how, so near the Pole, attempt to sing ? 
 The hoary winter here conceals from sight 
 All pleasing objects that to verse invite : 
 The hills and dales, and the delightful woods, 
 The flow'ry plains, and silver-streaming floods 
 By snow disguis'd, in bright confusion lie, 
 And with one dazzling waste fatigue the eye. 
 
 t By Swift. 
 K
 
 98 TATLER. N" 12. 
 
 No gentle-breatliing breeze prepare the spring, 
 No birds within the desert region sing ; 
 The ships unmov'd, the boisterous winds defy, 
 While rattling chariots o'er the ocean fly. 
 The vast Leviathan wants room to play, 
 And spout his waters in the face of day ; 
 The starving wolves along the main sea prowl, 
 And to the moon in icy valleys howl. 
 For many a shining league the level main 
 Here spreads itself into a glassy plain ; 
 There solid billows of enormous size, 
 Alps of green ice, in wild disorder rise. 
 
 And yet but lately have I seen, ev'n here, 
 The winter in a lovely dress appear. 
 Ere yet the clouds let fall the treasur'd snow. 
 Or winds began thro' hazy skies to blow, 
 At evening a keen Eastern breeze arose 
 And the descending rain unsully'd froze. 
 Soon as the silent shades of night withdrew, 
 The ruddy morn disclos'd at once to view 
 The face of nature in a rich disguise. 
 And brighten'd ev'ry object to ray eyes ; 
 For every shrub, and every blade of grass. 
 And every pointed thorn, seem'd wrought in glass ; 
 In pearls and rubies rich the hawthorns show. 
 While thro' the ice the crimson berries glow. 
 The thick-sprung reeds the watery marshes yield 
 Seem polish'd lances in a hostile field. 
 Tliestag in limpid currents, with surprize, 
 Sees crystal branches on his forehead rise. 
 The spreading- oak, the beech, and towering pines 
 Glaz'd over, in the freezing aether shine : 
 The frighted birds the rattling branches shun, 
 That wave and glitter in the distant sun. 
 
 When, if a sudden gust of wind arise. 
 The brittle forest into atoms flies ; 
 The crackling wood beneath the tempest bends. 
 And in a spangled shower the prospect ends ; 
 Or, if a Southern gale the region warm. 
 And by degrees unbind the wintry charm. 
 The traveller a miry country sees 
 And journeys sad beneath the drooping trees. 
 Like some deluded peasant, Merlin leads 
 Thro' fragrant bowers and thro' delicious meads ; 
 While here enchanted gardens to him rise, 
 And airy fabrics there attract his eyes,
 
 N" 13. TATLER. 99 
 
 His wandering feet the magic paths pursue ; 
 And while he thinks the fair illusion true, 
 The trackless scenes disperse in fluid air, 
 And woods and wilds, and thorny ways appear ; 
 A tedious road the weary wretch returns. 
 And as he goes the transient vision mourns. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 6. 
 
 There has a mail this day arrived from Holland ; 
 but the matter of theS advices importing rather what 
 gives us great expectations, than any positive assu- 
 rances, I shall, for this time, decline giving you what 
 I know; and apply the following verses of Mr. 
 Dryden, in the second part of " Almanzor," to the 
 present circumstances of things, without discovering 
 what my knowledge in astronomy suggests to me : 
 
 When Empire in its childhood first appears, 
 A watchful fate o'ersees its tender years: 
 Till, grown more strong, it thrusts and stretches out, 
 And elbows all the kingdoms round about : 
 The place thus made for its first breathing free, 
 It moves again for ease and luxury ; 
 Till, swelling by degrees, it has possest 
 The greater space, and now crowds up the rest, 
 When from behind there starts some petty state, 
 And pushes on its now unwieldy fate ; 
 Then down the precipice of time it goes. 
 And sinks in minutes, which in ages rose. 
 
 N° 13. TUESDAY, MAY 10, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 7instri est farrago libelli, 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 What'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 8. 
 
 Much hurry and business has to-day perplexed me 
 into a mood too thoughtful for going into company ;
 
 100 TATLER. N". 13. 
 
 for which reason instead of the tavern, I went into 
 Lincohi's-inn walks ; and, having taken a round or 
 two, I sat down, according to the allowed famili- 
 arity of these places, on a bench ; at the other end 
 of which sat a venerable gentleman, who, speaking 
 with a very affable air, " Mr. Bickerstaff," said he, 
 " I take it for a very great piece of good fortune 
 that you have found me out." " Sir," said I, " I 
 had never, that I know of, the honour of seeing 
 you before." " That," replied he, " is what I have 
 often lamented; but, I assure you, I have for many 
 years done you good offices, without being observed 
 by you ; or else, when you had any little glimpse of 
 my being concerned in an aftair, you have fled from 
 me, and shunned me like an enemy ; but, however, 
 the part I am to act in the world is such, that I 
 am to go on in doing good, though I meet with 
 never so many repulses, even from those I oblige." 
 This, thought I, shows a great good nature, but 
 little judgment, in the persons upon whom he confers 
 his favours. He immediately took notice to me, 
 that he observed, by my countenance, I thought 
 him indiscreet in his beneficence ; and proceeded to 
 tell me his quality in the following manner : " I 
 know thee, Isaac, to be so well versed in the occult 
 sciences, that I need not much preface, or make 
 long preparations to gain your faith, that there are 
 airy beings who are employed in the care and at- 
 tendance of men, as nurses are to infants, until they 
 come to an age in which they can act of themselves. 
 These beings are usually called, amongst men, 
 guardian angels ; and, Mr. Bickerstaff", I am to ac- 
 (juaint you, that I am to be your's for some time to 
 come ; it being our orders to vary our stations, and 
 sometimes to have one patient under our protection, 
 and sometimes another, with a power of assuming 
 Avhat shape we please, to ensnare our wards into 
 their own good. I have of late been upon such
 
 N" 13. TATLER. 101 
 
 hard duty, and know you have so much work for 
 me, that I think fit to appear to you face to face, to 
 desire you will give me as little occasion for vigi- 
 lance as you can." '' Sir," said I, "it will be a 
 great instruction to me in my behaviour, if you 
 please to give me some account of your late employ- 
 ments, and what hardships and satisfactions you have 
 had in them, that I may govern myself accordingly." 
 He answered, " To give you an example of the 
 drudgery we go through, I will entertain you only 
 with my three last stations. I was on the first of 
 April last put to mortify a great Beauty, with whom 
 I was a week ; from her I went to a common 
 swearer, and have been last with a gamester. 
 When I first came to my lady, I found my great 
 work was to guard well her eyes and ears ; but her 
 flatterers were so numerous, and the house, after 
 the modern way so full of looking-glasses, that I 
 seldom had her safe but in her sleep. Whenever 
 we went abroad, we were surrounded by an army of 
 enemies ; when a well-made man appeared, he was 
 sure to have a side-glance of observations ; if a dis- 
 agreeable fellow, he had a full face, out of mere 
 inclination to conquests : but at the close of the 
 evening, on the sixth of the last month, my ward 
 was sitting on a couch, reading Ovid's Epistles ; 
 and as she came to this line of Helen to Paris, 
 
 " vShe half consents who silently denies,*" 
 
 entered Philanderf, who is the most skilful of all 
 men in an address to women. He is arrived at the 
 perfection of that art which gains them ; which is, 
 * to talk like a very miserable man, but look like a 
 very happy one.' I saw Dictinna blush at his en- 
 
 * This line occurs in a joint translation of " Helen's Epis- 
 tles to Paris," by the Earl of Mulgrave and Dryden, in the 
 edition of " Ovid's Epistles, 1709." 
 
 t Supposed to be I,ord Halifax. 
 
 K 2
 
 102 TATLER. N" 13, 
 
 trance, which gave me tlie alarm ; but he immedi- 
 ately said something so agreeably, on her being at 
 study, and the novelty of finding a lady employed 
 in so grave a manner, that he on a sudden became 
 very familiarly a man of no consequence, and in an 
 instant laid all her suspicions of his skill asleep, as 
 he had almost done mine ; until I observed him very 
 dangerously turn his discourse upon the elegance of 
 her dress, and her judgment in the choice of that 
 very pretty morning. Having had vromen before 
 under my care, I trembled at the apprehension of a 
 man of sense who could talk upon trifles, and re- 
 solved to stick to my post with all the circumspec- 
 tion imaginable. In short, I prepossessed her 
 against all he could say to the advantage of her 
 dress and person ; but he turned again the dis- 
 course, where I found I had no power over her, on 
 the abusing her friends and acquaintance. He al- 
 lowed, indeed, that Flora had a little beauty, and 
 a great deal of wit : but then she was so ungainly in 
 her behaviour, and such a laughing hoyden ! Pas- 
 torella had with him the allowance of being blame- 
 less ; but what was that towards being praise-wor- 
 thy ? To be only innocent, is not to be virtuous. 
 He afterwards spoke so much against Mrs. Dipple's 
 forehead, Mrs. Prim's mouth, Mrs. Dentrifice's 
 teeth, and Mrs. Fidget's cheeks, that she grew 
 downright in love with him : for it is always to be 
 understood, that a lady takes all you detract from 
 the rest of her sex to be a gift to her. In a word, 
 things went so far that I was dismissed ; and she 
 will remember that evening nine months, from the 
 sixth of April, by a very remarkable token. The 
 next, as I said, I went to, was a common swearer. 
 Never was a creature so puzzled as myself, when 
 I came first to view his bram ; half of it was worn 
 out, and filled up with mere expletives, that had 
 nothing to do with any other parts of the texture ;
 
 N" 13. TATLER. 103 
 
 therefore, when he called for his cloaths in a morn- 
 ingf, he would cry, ' John ! ' John does not answer. 
 ' What a plague ! nobody there? What the devil, 
 and rot me, John, for a "lazy dog as you are ! ' I 
 knew no way to cure him, but by writing down all 
 he said one morning as he was dressing, and laying 
 it before him on the toilet when he came to pick his 
 teeth. The last recital T gave him, of what he said 
 for half an hour before, was, ' What, a pox rot me ! 
 where is the wash-ball ? call the chairmen ! damn 
 them, I warrant they are at the alehouse already ! 
 zounds ! and confound them ! ' When he came to 
 the glass, he takes up my note—' Ha! this fellow 
 is worse than I : what, does he swear with pen and 
 ink?' But, reading on, he found them to be his own 
 words. The stratagem had so good an effect upon 
 him, that he grew immediately a new man, and is 
 learning to speak without an oath, which makes 
 him extremely short in his phrases ; for, as I ob- 
 served before, a common swearer has a brain with- 
 out any idea on the swearing side ; therefore my 
 ward has yet mighty little to say, and is forced to 
 substitute some other vehicle of nonsense, to supply 
 the defect of his usual expletives. When I left 
 him, he made use of ' Odsbodikins ! Oh me ! and 
 Never stir alive ! ' and so forth ; which gave me 
 hopes of his recovery. So I went to the next 1 told 
 you of, the gamester. When we first take our 
 place about a man, the receptacles of the pericra- 
 nium are immediately searched. In his, I found no 
 one ordinary trace of thinking ; but strong passion, 
 violent desires, and a continued series of different 
 changes, had torn it to pieces. There appeared no 
 middle condition ; the triumph of a Prince, or the 
 misery of a Beggar, were his alternate states. J 
 was with him no longer than one day, which was 
 yesterday. In the morning at twelve we were 
 worth four thousand pounds ; at three, we were ar-
 
 104 TATLER. IN' x3. 
 
 rived at six thousand; half an hour after, we were 
 reduced to one thousand ; at four of the clock, we 
 were down to two hundred ; at five, to fifty ; at six, 
 to five ; at seven, to one guinea : the next bet, to 
 nothing-. This morning he borrowed half a crown 
 of the maid who cleans his shoes ; and is now 
 gaming in Lincoln's-Inn Fields among the boys for 
 farthings and oranges, until he has made up three 
 pieces, and then he returns to White's into the best 
 company in town." 
 
 Thus ended our first discourse ; and, it is hoped, 
 you will forgive me that I have picked so little out 
 of my companion at our first interview. In the 
 next, it is possible he may tell me more pleasing 
 incidents ; for though he is a familiar, he is not an 
 evil spirit. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 9. 
 
 We hear from the Hague of the fourteenth instant, 
 N. S. that Monsieur de Torcy hath had frequent 
 conferences with the Grand Pensioner, and the 
 other ministers who were heretofore commissioned 
 to treat with Monsieur Rouille. The preliminaries 
 of a peace are almost settled, and the proceedings 
 wait only for the arrival of the Duke of Marlbo- 
 rough ; after whose approbation of the articles pro- 
 posed, it is not doubted but the methods of the 
 treaty will be publicly known. In the mean time 
 the States have declared an abhorrence of taking 
 any step in this great affair, but in concert with the 
 Court of Great Britain, and other Princes of the 
 alliance. The posture of affairs in France does ne- 
 cessarily oblige that nation to be very much in 
 earnest in their offers ; and Monsieur de Torcy hath 
 professed to the Grand Pensioner, that he will 
 avoid all occasions of giving him the least jealousy, 
 of his using any address in private conversation for 
 accomplishing the ends of his embassy. It is said.
 
 N" 13. TATLER. 105 
 
 that as soon as the preliminaries are adjusted, that 
 minister is to return to the French Court. The 
 States of Holland have resolved to make it an in- 
 struction to all their men of war and privateers, to 
 bring into their ports vi^hatever neutral ships they 
 shall meet with, laden with corn, and bound for 
 France ; and, to avoid all cause of complaint from 
 the Potentates to whom these ships shall belong, 
 their full demand for their freight shall be paid them 
 there. The French Protestants residing in that 
 country have applied themselves to their respective 
 magistrates, desiring that there may be an article in 
 the treaty of peace which may give liberty of con- 
 science to the Protestants in France. Monsieur 
 Bosnage, Minister of the Walloon church at Rot- 
 terdam, has been at the Hague, and hath had some 
 conferences with the Deputies of the States on that 
 subject. It is reported there, that all the French 
 refugees in those dominions are to be naturalized, 
 that they may enjoy the same good eftects of the 
 treaty with the Hollanders themselves, in respect of 
 F'rance. 
 
 Letters from Paris say, the people conceive great 
 hopes of a sudden peace, from Monsieur Torcy's 
 being employed in the negotiation ; he being a mi- 
 nister of too great Aveight in that Court to be sent on 
 any employment in which his master would not act 
 in a manner wherein he might justly promise himself 
 success. The French advices add, that there is an 
 insurrection in Poictou, three thousand men have 
 taken up arms, and beaten the troops which were 
 appointed to disperse them : three of the mutineers 
 being taken, were immediately executed ; and as 
 many of the King's party were used after the same 
 manner. 
 
 Our late acts of naturalization hath had so great 
 an effect in foreign parts, that some Princes have 
 prohibited the French refugees in their dominions
 
 106 TATLER. N° 14. 
 
 to sell or transfer their estates to any other of their 
 subjects ; and at the same time have granted them 
 greater immunities than they hitherto enjoyed. It 
 has been also thought necessary to restrain their 
 own subjects from leaving their country, on pain of 
 death. 
 
 N° 14. THURSDAY, MAY 12, 1709. 
 
 Quicquld agunt homines 
 
 nostrl est farrago Ubelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 10. 
 
 Had it not been that my familiar had appeared to 
 me, as I told you in my last, in person, 1 had cer- 
 tainly been unable to have found even words with- 
 out meaning, to keep up my intelligence with the 
 town; but he has checked me severely for my de- 
 spondence, and ordered me to go on in my design 
 of observing upon things, and forbearing persons ; 
 for, said he, the age you live in is such, that a good 
 picture of any vice or virtue will infallibly be mis- 
 represented ; and though none will take the kind 
 descriptions you make so much to themselves, as to 
 wish well to the author, yet all will resent the ill 
 characters you produce, out of fear of their own 
 turn in the licence you must be obliged to take, if 
 you point at particular persons. I took his admoni- 
 tion kindly, and immediately promised him to beg 
 pardon of the author of the " Advice to the Poets," 
 for my raillery upon his work ; though I aimed at 
 no more in that examination, but to convince him, 
 and all men of genius, of the folly of laying them-.
 
 N** 14. TATLER. » 107 
 
 selves out on such plans as are below their characters, 
 I hope too it was done without ill-breeding', and no- 
 thing spoken below what a civilian (as it is allowed I 
 am) may utter to a physician*. After this preface, 
 all the world may be safe from my writings ; for, if 
 I can find nothing to commend, I am silent, and will 
 forbear the subject; for, though I am a reformer, I 
 scorn to be an inquisitor. 
 
 It would become all men, as well as me, to lay 
 before them the noble character of Verus the ma- 
 gistratef, who always sat in triumph over, and 
 contempt of, vice ; he never searched after it, or 
 spared it when it came before him : at the same time 
 he could see through the hypocrisy and disguise of 
 those, who have no pretence to virtue themselves, 
 but by their severity to the vicious. This same 
 Verus was, in times past. Chief Justice (as we call 
 it amongst us) in Felicia|. He was a man of pro- 
 found knowledge of the laws of his country, and as 
 just an observer of them in his own person : he con- 
 sidered justice as a cardinal virtue, not as a trade 
 for maintenance. Wherever he was judge, he never 
 forgot that he was also counsel. The criminal be- 
 fore him was always sure he stood before his country, 
 and, in a sort, a parent of it : the prisoner knew, 
 that though his spirit was broken with guilt, and in- 
 capable of language to defend itself, all would be 
 gathered from him which could conduce to his safety ; 
 and that his judge would wrest no law to destroy 
 him, nor conceal any that could save him. In his 
 time there was a nest of pretenders to justice, who 
 happened to be employed to put things in a method 
 for being examined before him at his usual sessioi-s : 
 these animals were to Verus, as monkeys are to men ; 
 
 * Sir Richard Blackmore. 
 
 t Sir John Holt, Lord Chief Justice in the reign of King 
 William III. and for some years after that King's death. 
 1 Britain.
 
 108 TATLER. n'^ 14. 
 
 SO like, that you can hardly disown them, but so 
 base, that you are ashamed of their fraternity. It 
 grew a phrase, " Who would do justice on the 
 Justices ?" That certainly would Verus. I have 
 seen an old trial wher'^ he sat Judge on two of them, 
 one was called Trick-track, the other Tear-shift : 
 one was a learned judge of sharpers ; the other the 
 quickest of all men at finding out a wench. Trick- 
 track never spared a pickpocket, but was a com- 
 panion to cheats ; Tear-shift would make compliments 
 to wenches of quality, but certainly commit poor 
 ones. If a poor rogue wanted a lodging. Trick-track 
 sent him to gaol for a thief; if a poor whore went 
 only with one thin peticoat. Tear-shift would im- 
 prison her for being loose in her dress. These 
 patriots infested the days of Verus, while they alter- 
 nately committed and released each other's prisoners : 
 but Verus regarded them as criminals, and always 
 looked upon men as they stood in the eye of justice, 
 without respecting whether they sat on the bench, 
 or stood at the bar. 
 
 WiWs Coffee-house, May 11. 
 
 Yesterday we were entertained with the tragedy 
 of the Earl of Essex* ; in which there is not one 
 good line, and yet a play which was never seen 
 without drawing tears from some part of the audience ; 
 a remarkable instance that the soul is not to be 
 moved by words, but things ; for the incidents in this 
 drama are laid together so happily, that the spectator 
 makes the play for himself, by the force which the 
 circumstance has upon his imagination. Thus, in 
 spite of the most dry discourses, and expressions 
 almost ridiculous with respect to propriety, it is 
 impossible for one unprejudiced to see it, untouched 
 with pity. 1 must confess, this effect is not wrought 
 on such as examine why they are pleased ; but it 
 * By John Banks.
 
 N" 15. TATLER. 100 
 
 never fails to appear on those who are qot too learned 
 in nature, to be moved by her first siiggeslioiis. It 
 is certain, the person and behaviour of Mr. Wilks 
 has no small share in conducing to the popularity of 
 the play ; and when a handsome fellow is going to a 
 more coarse exit than beheading, his shape and 
 countenance make every tender one reprieve him 
 with all her heart, without waiting until she heard his 
 dying words. 
 
 This evening The Alchymist was played. This 
 comedy is an example of Ben Jonson's extensive 
 genius, and penetration into the passions and fol- 
 lies of mankind. The scene in the fourth act, 
 where all the cheated people oppose the man that 
 would open their eyes, has something in it so 
 inimitably excellent, that it is certainly as great a 
 master-piece as has ever appeared by any hand. 
 The author^s great address in showing covetousness 
 the motive of the actions of the puritan, the epicure, 
 the gamester, and the trader; and that all their 
 endeavours, how differently soever they seem to tend, 
 centre only in that one point of gain, shows he had, 
 to a great perfection, that discernment of spirit 
 which constitutes a genius for comedy. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, May 11. 
 
 It is not to be imagined, how far the violence of 
 our desires will carry us towards our own deceit, in 
 the pursuit of what we wish for. A gentleman here 
 this evening was giving me an account of a dumb 
 fortune-teller,* who outdoes Mr. Partridge, my- 
 self, or the Unborn Doctor, f for predictions ; all 
 his visitants come to him full of expectations, and 
 pay his own rate for the interpretations they put 
 
 * Duncan Campbell, said to be deaf and dumb, who prac- 
 tised at this time on the credulity of the vulgar, and pretend- 
 ed to predict fortunes by the second sight, &c. 
 
 t The real name of the quack-doctor and man-midwife, 
 who affected to be distinguished as " unborn," v/as Kirleus. 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 110 TATLER. N" 14. 
 
 upon his shrugs and nods. There is a fine rich city 
 widow who stole thither the other day (though it is 
 not six weeks since her husband's departure from her 
 company to rest), and with her trusty maid, de- 
 manded of him, whether she should marry again, 
 by holding up two fingers, like horns on her fore- 
 head : the wizard held up both his hands forked. 
 The relict desired to know, whether he meant, by 
 his holding up both hands, to represent that she 
 had one husband before, and that she should have 
 another? or that he intimated she should have two 
 more? The cunning man looked a little sour, 
 upon which Betty jogged her mistress, who gave 
 the other guinea; and he made her understand, she 
 should positively have two more, but shaked his 
 head, and hinted that they should not live long 
 with her. The widow sighed, and gave him the 
 other half-guinea. After this prepossession, all 
 that she had next to do was to make sallies to our 
 end of the town, and find out whom it is her fate to 
 have. There are two who frequent this place whom 
 she takes to be men of vogue, and of whom her 
 imagination has given her the choice. They are 
 both the appearances of fine gentlemen, to such as 
 do not know when they see persons of that turn ; 
 and, indeed, they are industrious enough to come 
 at that character, to deserve the reputation of being 
 such: but this town will not allow us to be the 
 things we seem to aim at, and is too discerning to 
 be fobbed off with pretences. One of these pretty 
 fellows fails by his laborious exactness ; the other, 
 by his as much studied negligence. Frank Careless, 
 as soon as his valet had helped on and adjusted his 
 cloaths, goes to his glass, sets his wig awry, tumbles 
 his cravat; and, in short, undresses himself to go 
 into company. Will Nice is so little satisfied with 
 his dress, that all the time he is at a visit he is still 
 mending it, and is for that reason the more insuffer-
 
 N" 14. TATLER. HI 
 
 able ; for he who studies carelessness has, at least, 
 his work the sooner done of the two. The widow 
 is distracted whom to take for her first rnan ; for 
 Nice is every way so careful, that she fears his length 
 of days ; and Frank is so loose, that she has appre- 
 hensions for her own health with him. I am puzzled 
 how to give a just idea of them; but, in a word, 
 Careless is a coxcomb, and Nice a fop: both, you 
 will say, very hopeful candidates for a gay young 
 woman just set at liberty. But there is a whisper, 
 her maid will give her to Tom Terror the gamester. 
 This fellow has undone so many women, that he will 
 certainly succeed if he is introduced; for nothing so 
 much prevails with the vain part of that sex, as the 
 glory of deceiving them who have deceived others. 
 Desunt nuilta. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 11. 
 
 Letters from Berlin, bearing date May the eleventh, 
 N.S. inform us, that the birth-day of her Prussian 
 Majesty has been celebrated there with all possible 
 magnificence ; and the King made her on that 
 occasion a present of jewels to the value of thirty 
 thousand crowns. The Marquis de Quesne, who 
 has distinguished himself by his great zeal for the 
 Protestant Interest, was, at the time of the dispatch 
 of these letters, at that Court, soliciting the King 
 to take care, that an article in behalf of the refugees, 
 admitting their return to France, should be inserted 
 in the treaty of peace. They write from Hanover, 
 of the fourteenth, that his Electoral Highness had 
 received an express from Count Merci, representing 
 how necessary it was to the common cause, that he 
 would please to hasten to the Rhine ; for that no- 
 thing but his presence could quicken the measures 
 towards bringing the Imperial armies into the field. 
 There are very many speculations upon the intended 
 interview of the King of Denmark and King Au-
 
 •12 TATLER. NM4. 
 
 gustus. The latter has made such preparations for 
 the reception of the other, that it is said, his Danish 
 Majesty will be entertained in Saxony with much 
 more elegance than he met with in Italy itself. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, of the eighteenth instant, 
 N. S. say, that his Grace the Duke of Marlborough 
 landed the night before at the Brill, after having 
 been kept out at sea, by adverse winds, two days 
 longer than is usual in that passage. His excel- 
 lency the Lord Townshend, her Majesty's Embas- 
 sador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to the 
 States General, was driven into the Veer in Zealand 
 on Thursday last, from whence he came to the Hague 
 within a few hours after the arrival of his Grace. 
 The Duke, soon after his coming to the Hague, had 
 a visit from the Pensioner of Holland. All things 
 relative to the peace were in suspense until this in- 
 terview ; nor is it yet known what resolutions will be 
 taken on that subject; for the troops of the allies 
 have fresh orders dispatched to them, to move from 
 their repective quarters, and march with all expedi- 
 tion to the frontiers, where the enemy are making 
 their utmost efforts for the defence of their country. 
 These advices further inform us, that the Marquis de 
 Torcy had received an answer from the court of 
 France, to his letters which he had sent thither by 
 an express on the Friday before. 
 
 *^* Mr. Bickerstaff has received letters from Mr. 
 Colstaff, Mr. Whipstaff, and Mrs. Rebecca Wag- 
 staff; all wliich relate chiefly to their being left out 
 in the genealogy of the family lately published; but 
 my Cousin who writ that draught, being a clerk in 
 the Herald's Office, and being at present under the 
 displeasure of the Chapter; it is feared, if that mat- 
 ter should be touched upon at this time, the young 
 gentleman would lose his place for treason against 
 the King of Arms. 
 
 Castabella's complaint is come to hand.
 
 N" 15. TATLER. 113 
 
 N° 15. SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agutii homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, sr.. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 Front my own Apartment, May 12. 
 
 I HAVE taken a resolution hereafter, on any want of 
 intelligence, to carry my Familiar abroad with me, 
 who has promised to give me very proper and just 
 notices of persons and things, to make up the his- 
 tory of the passing day. He is wonderfully skilful 
 in the knowledge of men and manners, which has 
 made me more than ordinarily curious to know how 
 he came to that perfection, and I communicated to 
 him that doubt. " Mr. Pacolet," said I, " I am 
 mightily surprised to see you so good a judge of our 
 nature and circumstances, since you are a mere 
 spirit, and have no knowledge of the bodily part of 
 us." He answered, smiling, " You are mistaken ; 
 I have been one of you, and lived a month amongst 
 you, which gives me an exact sense of your con- 
 dition. You are to know, that all, who enter into 
 human life, have a certain date or stamen given to 
 their being, M^iich they only who die of age may be 
 said to have arrived at; but it is ordered sometimes 
 by fate, that such as die infants are, after death, to 
 attend mankind to the end of that stamen of being 
 in themselves, which was broke off by sickness or 
 any other disaster. These are proper guardian^ to 
 men, as being sensible of the infirmity of their state. 
 You are philosopher enough to know, that the dif- 
 ference of men's understandings proceeds only from 
 the various dispositions of their organs ; so that he, 
 who dies at a month old, is in the next life as know- 
 
 1.2
 
 5 1 i TATi.r.rs. N" 15. 
 
 ing, thougli more innocent, as they who live to 
 iit'ty ; and after death they liave as perfect a me- 
 mory and judgment of all that passed in their life- 
 time, as 1 have of all the revolutions in that uneasy, 
 turbulent condition of yours ; and you vFould say 1 
 hud enough of it in a month, were I to tell you all 
 my misfortunes." " A life of a month cannot have, 
 one would think, much variety. But pray," said I, 
 " let us have your story." 
 
 Then he proceeded in the following manner : 
 " It was one of the most wealthy families in 
 Great Britain into which I was born, and it was a 
 very great happiness to me that it so happened, 
 otherwise I had still, in all probability, been living : 
 but I shall recount to you all the occurrences of my 
 short and miserable existence, just as, by examining 
 into the traces made in my brain, they appeared to 
 me at the time. The first thing that ever struck 
 my senses was a noise over my head of one shriek- 
 ing; after which, methought, I took a full jump, 
 and found myself in the hands of a sorceress, who 
 seemed as if she had been long waking, and em- 
 ployed in some incantation : I was thoroughly 
 frightened, and cried out; but she immediately 
 seemed to go on in some magical operation, and 
 anointed me from head to foot. What they meant, 
 I could not imagine: for there gathered a great 
 crowd about me, crying, "An Heir! an Heir !' 
 upon which I grew a little still, and believed this 
 was a ceremony to be used only to great persons, and 
 such as made them what they called Heirs. I lay 
 very quiet: but the witch, for no manner of reason 
 or provocation in the world, takes me, and binds 
 my head as hard as possibly she could; then ties up 
 both my legs, and makes me swallow down an hor- 
 rid mixture. I thought it an hard entrance into 
 life, to begin with taking physic ; but I was forced 
 to it, or eise must have taken down a great instru-
 
 N" 15. TATLER. 115 
 
 ment in which she gave it me. When I was thus 
 dressed, I was carried to a bed side, where a fine 
 young lady (my mother I wot) had like to have 
 hugged me to death. From her, they faced me 
 about, and there was a thing with quite another 
 look from the rest of the company, to whom they 
 talked about my nose. He seemed wonderfully 
 pleased to see me; but, I knew since, my nose be- 
 longed to another family. That into which I was 
 born is one of the most numerous amongst you; 
 therefore crowds of relations came every day to 
 congratulate my arrival: amongst others, my cousin 
 Betty, the greatest romp in nature : she whisks me 
 such a height over her head, that I cried out for 
 fear of falling. She pinched me, and called me 
 squealing chit, and threw me into a girl's arms 
 that was taken in to tend me. The girl was very 
 proud of the womanly employment of a nurse, and 
 took upon her to strip and dress me a-new, because 
 I made a noise, to see what ailed me : she did so 
 and stuck a pin in every joint about me. I still 
 cried; upon which, she lays me on my face in her 
 lap; and, to quiet me, fell a-nailing in all the pins, 
 by clapping me on the back, and screaming a lul- 
 laby. But my pain made me exalt my voice above 
 hers, which brought up the nur^e, the witch 1 first 
 saw, and my grandmother. The girl is turned down 
 stairs, and I stripped again, as well to find what 
 ailed me, as to satisfy my grannam's farther curi- 
 osity. This good old woman's visit was the cause 
 of all my troubles. You are to understand, that I 
 was hitherto bred by hand, and any body that stood 
 next gave me pap, if 1 did but open my lips : inso- 
 much, that I was grown so cunning, as to pretend 
 myself asleep when 1 was not, to prevent my being 
 crammed. But ray grandmother began a loud lec- 
 ture upon the idleness of the wives of this age, who, 
 for fear of their shapes, forbear suckling their own
 
 116 TATLER. N° 15. 
 
 oftspring; and the nurses were immediately sent 
 for ; one was whispered to have a wanton eye, and 
 would soon spoil her milk ; another was in a con- 
 sumption; the third had an ill voice, and would 
 frighten me instead of lulling me to sleep. Such 
 exceptions were made against all but one country 
 milch-wench, to whom I was committed, and put 
 to the breast. This careless jade was eternally 
 romping with the footman, and downright starved 
 me; insomuch that I daily pined away, and should 
 never have been relieved had it not been, that, on 
 the thirteenth day of my life, a fellow of the Royal 
 Society, who had writ upon Cold Baths, came to 
 visit me, and solemnly protested, I was utterly lost 
 for want of that method*; upon which he soused 
 me head and ears into a pail of water, where I had 
 the good fortune to be drowned; and so escaped 
 being lashed into a linguist until sixteen, running 
 after wenches until twenty-five, and being married 
 to an ill-natured wife until sixty ; which had cer- 
 tainly been my fate, had not the enchantment be- 
 tween body and soul been broke by this philosopher. 
 Thus, until the age I should have otherwise lived, I 
 am obliged to watch the steps of men; and, if you 
 please, shall accompany you in your present walk, 
 and get you intelligence from the aerial lacquey, 
 who is in waiting, what are the thoughts and pur- 
 poses of any whom you enquire for." 
 
 I accepted his kind offer, and immediately took 
 him with me in a hack to White's. 
 
 Whitens Chocolate- house, May 13. 
 We got in hither, and my companion threw a 
 powder round us, that made me as invisible as him- 
 self; so that we could see and hear all others, our- 
 selves unseen and unheard. 
 
 * The Fellow of the Royal Society, here alluded to, was 
 probably Sir John Foyler, Knt. M. D. who published, " An 
 Enquiry into the right use and abuse of the hot, cold, and 
 temperate Baths in England, &c."
 
 N" 15. TATLER. 117 
 
 The first thing we took notice of was a nobleman 
 of a goodly and frank aspect, with his generous 
 birth and temper visible in it, playing at cards with 
 a creature of a black and horrid countenance, where- 
 in were plainly delineated the arts of his mind, 
 cozenage and falsehood. They were making their 
 game with counters, on which we could see in- 
 scriptions, imperceptible to any but us. My Lord 
 had scored with pieces of ivory, on which were 
 writ " Good Fame, Glory, Riches, Honour, and 
 Posterity." The spectre over-against him had on 
 his counters the inscriptions of " Dishonour, Impu- 
 dence, Poverty, Ignorance, and Want of Shame." 
 " Bless me," said 1 ; " sure my Lord does not see 
 what he plays for ? " "As well as I do," says Pa- 
 colet. " He despises that fellow he plays with, 
 and scorns himself for making him his companion." 
 At the very instant he was speaking, I saw the fel- 
 low, who played with my Lord, hide two cards in 
 the roll of his stocking. Pacolet immediately stole 
 them from thence ; upon which the nobleman soon 
 after won the game. The little triumph he appeared 
 in, when he got such a trifling stock of ready money, 
 though he had ventured so great sums with indif- 
 ference, increased my admiration. But Pacolet 
 began to talk to me. " Mr. Isaac, this to you looks 
 wonderful, but not at all to us higher beings; that 
 nobleman has as many good qualities as any man 
 of his order, and seems to have no faults but what, 
 as I may say, are excresences from virtues. He is 
 generous to a prodigality, more aftable than is con- 
 sistent with his quality, and courageous to a rash- 
 ness. Yet, after all this, the source of his whole 
 conduct is (though he would hate himself if he knew 
 it) mere avarice. The ready cash laid before the 
 gamester's counters makes him venture, as you see, 
 and lay distinction against infamy, abundance 
 against want; in a word, all that is desirable
 
 118 TATLER. N" 15. 
 
 against all that is to be avoided. However, said I, 
 be sure you disappoint the sharpers to-night, and 
 steal from them all the cards they hide. Pacolet 
 obeyed me, and my Lord went home with their whole 
 bank in his pocket. 
 
 Wiirs Coffee-house, May 13. 
 
 To-night was acted a second time a comedy, 
 called The Busy Body : this play is written by a 
 lady. In old times, we used to sit upon a play 
 here after it was acted ; but now the entertainment 
 is turned another way ; not but there are conside- 
 rable men in all ages, who, for some eminent qua- 
 lity or invention, deserve the esteem and thanks of 
 the publick. Such a benefactor is a gentleman of 
 this house ; who is observed by the surgeons with 
 much envy ; and is ranked among, and received by 
 the modern wits, as a great promoter of gallantry 
 and pleasure. But, I fear, pleasure is less under- 
 stood in this age, which so much pretends to it, 
 than in any since the creation. It was admirably 
 said of him, who first took notice, that (Res est se- 
 vera voluptas) " there is a certain severity in plea- 
 sure." Without that, all decency is banished ; and 
 if reason is not to be present at our greatest satis- 
 factions, of all the race of creatures, the human is 
 the most miserable. It was not so of old. When 
 Virgil describes a wit, he always means a virtuous 
 man ; and all his sentiments of men of genius are 
 such as show persons distinguished from the com- 
 mon level of mankind ; such as place happiness in 
 the contempt of low fears, and mean gratifications : 
 fears which we are subject to with the vulgar ; and 
 pleasures which we have in common with beasts. 
 With these illustrious personages, the wisest man 
 was the greatest wit ; and none was thought worthy 
 of that character unless he answered this excellent 
 description of the poet ;
 
 N° 15. TATLER. 119 
 
 Qui metus omnes ^- inexorabile fatum 
 
 Subjecit pedibtis, strepitumque Acherontis atari, 
 
 ViRG. Georg. ii. 492. 
 
 Happy the man, 
 
 His mind possessing in a quiet state, 
 
 Fearless of fortune, and resign'd to fate. Dryden. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 13. 
 
 We had this morning advice, that some English 
 merchant ships, convoyed by the Bristol of Hfty- 
 four guns, were met with by a part of Monsieur du 
 Gui Trouin's squadron, who engaged the convoy. 
 That ship defended itself until the English merchants 
 got clear of the enemy ; but being disabled, was 
 herself taken. Within few hours after, my Lord 
 Dursley came up with part of his squadron, and 
 engaging the French, retook the Bristol (which, 
 being very much shattered, sunk) ; and took the 
 Glorieux, a ship of forty-four guns, as also a priva- 
 teer of fourteen. Before this action, his Lordship 
 had taken two French merchant-men, and had, at 
 the dispatch of these advices, brought the whole 
 safe into Plymouth. 
 
 N°16. TUESDAY, MAY 17, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Jcv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 MSldte's Chocolate-house, May 15. 
 
 Sir Thomas*, of this house, has showed me some 
 letters from the Bath, which give accounts of what 
 
 * The nickname of a waiter at White's.
 
 120 TATLER. N" 16. 
 
 passes among the good company of that place ; and 
 allowed me to transcribe one of them, that seems 
 to be writ by some of Sir Thomas's particular ac- 
 quaintance, and is as follows : 
 
 Dear Knight, May 11, 1709. 
 
 " I desire you would give my humble service to 
 all our friends, which I speak of to you (out of me- 
 thod) in the very beginning of my epistle, lest the 
 present disorders, by which this seat of gallantry 
 and pleasure is torn to pieces, should make me for- 
 get it. You keep so good company, that you know 
 Bath is stocked with such as come hither to be re- 
 lieved from luxuriant health, or imaginary sickness ; 
 and consequently is always as well stowed with gal- 
 lants, as invalids, who live together in a very good 
 understanding. But the season is so early, that our 
 fine company is not yet arrived : and the warm bath, 
 which in heathen times was dedicated to Venus, is 
 now used only by such as really want it for health's 
 sake. There are, however, a good many strangers, 
 among whom are two ambitious ladies, who, being 
 both in the autumn of their life, take the opportu- 
 nity of placing themselves at the head of such as we 
 are, before the Chloe's, Clarissa's, and Pastorella's 
 come down. One of these two is excessively in 
 pain, that the ugly being, called Time, will make 
 wrinkles in spite of the lead forehead cloth; and 
 therefore hides, with the gaiety of her air, the volu- 
 bility of her tongue, and quickness of her motion, 
 the injuries which it has done her. The other lady 
 is but two years behind her in life, and dreads as 
 much being laid aside as the former; and conse- 
 quently has taken the necessary precautions to pre- 
 vent her reign over us. But she is very discreet, 
 and wonderfully turned for ambition ; being never 
 apparently transported either with affection or ma- 
 lice. Thus, while Florimel is talking in publick.
 
 N" 16. TATLER. i-21 
 
 and spreadii ng her graces in assemblies, to gain a po- 
 pular domin ion over our diversions, Prudentia visits 
 very cunning jly all the lame, the splenetic, and the 
 superannuati ?d, who have their distinct classes of 
 followers an< 1 friends. Among these she has found, 
 that somebo( ly has sent down printed certificates of 
 Florimel's a^ ^e, which she has read and distributed 
 to this unjoy ful set of people, who are always ene- 
 mies to thoi ie in possession of the good opinion 
 of the compf my. This unprovoked injury done by 
 Prudentia wi is the first occasion of our fatal divisions 
 here, and a ( leclaration of war between these rivals. 
 Florimel has abundance of wit, which she has la- 
 vished in dec rj ing Prudentia, and giving defiance to 
 her little arts. . For an instance of her superior power, 
 she bespoke the play of Alexander the Great, to be 
 acted by the company of strollers, and desired us 
 all to be there on Thursday last. When she spoke 
 to me to com e, " As you are," said she, *' a lover, 
 you will not f "ail the death of Alexander : the passion 
 of love is w onderfully hit — Statira ! O that happy 
 woman — to have a conqueror at her feet ! But you 
 will be sure to be there." I, and several others, 
 resolved to I'e of her party. But see the irresistible 
 strength of that unsuspected creature, " a silent 
 woman." I*rudentia had counterplotted us, and 
 had bespoke on the same evening the puppet-show 
 of " The Creation of the World*." She had en- 
 gaged every body to be there : and, to turn our 
 leader into ridicule, had secretly let them know, 
 that the puppet Eve was made the most like Flori- 
 mel that eveir was seen. On Thursday morning 
 the puppet-drummer, Adam and Eve, and several 
 others who lived before the flood, passed through 
 
 » A deformed cripple, of the name of Powel, was the 
 master of a popuiar puppet-show at this time, and made Punch 
 utter many things, that would not have been endured in any 
 other way of communication. 
 
 M
 
 122 TATLER. N" 16. 
 
 the street^ on horseback, to invite us all to the pas- 
 time, and the representation of such th ings as we 
 all knew to be true : and Mr. Mayor w; as so wise, 
 as to prefer those innocent people the pu' ppets, who, 
 he said, were to represent Christians, before the 
 wicked players, who were to shew Al( sxander, an 
 heathen philosopher. To be short, thi s Prudentia 
 had so laid it, that at ten of the clo ck footmen 
 were sent to take places at the puppet ;-show, and 
 all we of Florimel's party were to be ou t of fashion, 
 or desert her : we chose the latter. A 11 the world 
 crowded to Prudentia's house, because it was given 
 out that nobody could get in. When i ive came to 
 Noah's flood in the show. Punch and h is wife were 
 introduced dancing in the ark. An I lonest plain 
 friend of Florimel's, but a critic withal , rose up in 
 the midst of the representation, and : made many 
 very good exceptions to the drama its€ If, and told 
 us, that it was against all morality, as \ veil as rules 
 of the stage, that Punch should be in je st in the de- 
 luge, or indeed that he should appear a t all. This 
 was certainly a just remark, and I thougl htto second 
 him ; but he was hissed by Prudentia's p larty ; upon 
 which, really. Sir Thomas, we, who were his friends, 
 hissed him too. Old Mrs. Petulant desi) red both her 
 daughters to mind the moral ; then whii ^pered Mrs. 
 Mayoress, " This is very proper for youi ig people to 
 see !" Punch, at the end of the play, made Pru- 
 dentia a compliment, and was very civil to the whole 
 company, making bows until his buttons touched 
 the ground. All was carried triumph? intly against 
 our party. In the mean time Florime'l went to the 
 tragedy, dressed as fine as hands cou Id make her, 
 in hopes to see Prudentia pine away with envy. 
 Instead of that, she sat a full hour alome, and at last 
 was entertained with this whole relatic >n from Sta- 
 tira, who wiped her eyes with her tragiiaal cut hand- 
 kerchief, and lamented the ignorance o f the quality.
 
 jj" 16, TATLEK. 123 
 
 Florimel w "as stuiig with this aft'ront, and the next 
 day bespol te the puppet-show. Priidentia, insolent 
 with power -, bespoke Alexander. The whole com- 
 pany came then to Alexander. Madam Petulant 
 desired he r daughters to mind the moral, and be- 
 lieve no m an's fair words : " for you will see, chil- 
 dren (says she), these soldiers are never to be de- 
 pended upion : they are sometimes here, sometimes 
 there. — Do not you see, daughter Betty, Colonel 
 Clod, oui: next neighbour in the country, pull off 
 his hat t'O you ? court'sy, good child, his estate is 
 just by UiS." Florimel was now mortified down to 
 Prudentia's humour : and Prudentia exalted into 
 hers. This was observed ; Florimel invites us to 
 the play a second time ; Prudentia to the show. 
 See the uncertainty of human affairs ! The beaux, 
 the wits, the gamesters, the prudes, the coquettes, 
 the valetudinarians, and gallants, all now wait upon 
 Florimel. Such is the state of all things at this 
 present date ; and if there happen any new commo- 
 tions you shall have immediate advice from, 
 Sir, 
 
 Your affectionate friend, 
 and servant." 
 
 TO CASTABELLA. 
 
 Madam, Mmj 10, 1709. 
 
 I have the honour of a letter from a friend of 
 yours, relating to an incivility done to you at the 
 opera, by one of your own sex : but I, who was an 
 eye-witness of the accident, can testify to you, that 
 though she pressed before you, she lost her ends in 
 that design : for she was taken notice of for no other 
 reason, but her endeavours to hide a finer woman 
 than herself. But, indeed, I dare not go farther in 
 this matter than just this bare mention : for though 
 it was taking your place of right, rather than place
 
 124 TATLER. N" 16. 
 
 of precedence ; yet it is so tender a p( jint, and on 
 which the very life of female ambition depends, 
 that it is of the last consequence to naeddle in it. 
 All my hopes are from your beautiful sex ; and those 
 bright eyes, which are the bane of othtirs, are my 
 only sun-shine. My writings are sacnid to you; 
 and, I hope, I shall always have the good fortune to 
 live under your protection ; therefore tak e this pub- 
 lick opportunity to signify to all the world, that I 
 design to forbear any thing that may ini the least 
 tend to the diminution of your interest, reputation, 
 or power. You will therefore forgive nie, that I 
 strive to conceal every wrong step made by any who 
 have the honour to wear petticoats, and sliall at all 
 times do what is in my power to make all mankind 
 as much their slaves as myself. If they would con- 
 sider things as they ought, there needs not much 
 argument to convince them, that it is their fate to 
 be obedient to you, and that your greatest rebels do 
 only serve with a worse grace. I am. Madam, 
 Your most obedient and 
 
 most humble servant, 
 Isaac Bickerstaff. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 16. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, bearing date the twenty- 
 first instant, N. S. advise, that his Grace the Duke 
 of Marlborough, immediately after his arrival, sent 
 his Secretary to the President and the Pensionary, 
 to acquaint them therewith. Soon after, these Mi- 
 nisters visited the Duke, and made him compliments 
 in the name of the States-General ; after which they 
 entered into a conference with him on the present 
 posture of affairs, and gave his Grace assurances of 
 the firm adherence of the States to the alliance ; at 
 the same time acquainting him, that all overtures of 
 peace were rejected, until they had an opportunity 
 of acting in concert with their allies on that subject.
 
 N" 16. TATLER. 125 
 
 After this interview, the Pensionary and the Presi- 
 dent returned to the Assembly of the States. Mon- 
 sieur Torcy has had a conference at the Pensioner's 
 house with his Grace the Duke of Marlborough, 
 Prince Eugene, and his Excellency the Lord Towns- 
 hend. The result of what was debated at that time 
 is kept secret ; but there appears an air of satisfac- 
 tion and good understanding between these minis- 
 ters. We are apt also to give ourselves very hope- 
 ful prospects from Monsieur Torcy's being employed 
 in this negociation, who had been always remark- 
 able for a particular way of thinking, in his sense 
 of the greatness of France ; which he has always 
 said, " was to be promoted rather by the arts of 
 peace than those of war." His delivering himself 
 freely on this subject has formerly appeared an un- 
 successful way to power in that Court ; but in its 
 present circumstances those maxims are better re- 
 ceived ; and it is thought a certain argument of the 
 sincerity of the French King's intentions, that this 
 minister is at present made use of. The Marquis is 
 to return to Paris in a few days, who has sent a 
 courier thither to give notice of the reasons of his 
 return, that the Court may be the sooner able to 
 dispatch commissions for a formal treaty. 
 
 The expectations of peace are increased by ad- 
 vices from Paris of the twelfth instant, which say, 
 the Dauphin has altered his resolution of command- 
 ing in Flanders the ensuing campaign. The Saxon 
 and Prussian reinforcements, together with Count 
 Mercy's regiment of Imperial horse, are encamped 
 in the neighbourhood of Brussels ; and sufficient 
 stores of corn and forage are transported to that place 
 and Ghent for the service of the confederate army. 
 
 They write from Mons, that the Elector of Bava- 
 ria had advice, that an advanced party of the Por- 
 tugueze army had been defeated by the Spaniards. 
 
 We hear from Languedoc, that their corn, olives, 
 
 M 2
 
 126 TATLER. h°n. 
 
 and figs, were wholly destroyed ; but that they have 
 a hopeful prospect of a plentiful vintage. 
 
 N° 17. SATURDAY, MAY 20, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostrl est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85,86. 
 
 Whate'r men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. I'. 
 
 Wills Coffee-house, May 18. 
 
 The discourse has happened to turn this evening 
 upon the true panegyric, the perfection of which was 
 asserted to consist in a certain artful way of convey- 
 ing the applause in an indirect manner. There was 
 a gentleman gave us several instances of it ; among 
 others, he quoted (from Sir Francis Bacon, in his 
 " Advancement of Learning,") a very great compli- 
 ment made to Tiberius, as follows : In a full debate 
 upon public affairs in the Senate, one of the assembly 
 rose up, and with a very grave air said, he thought 
 it for the honour and dignity of the commonwealth, 
 that Tiberius should be declared a god, and have di- 
 vine worship paid him. The Emperor was surprised 
 at the proposal, and demanded of him to declare, 
 whether he had made any application to incline him 
 to that overture ? The Senator answered, with a 
 bold and haughty tone, " Sir, in matters that con- 
 cern the commonwealth, I will be governed by no 
 man." Another gentleman mentioned something of 
 the same kind, spoken by the late Duke of Bucking- 
 ham to the late Earl of Orrery: " My lord (says the 
 Duke, after his libertine way), you will certainly be 
 danmed," " How, my lord!" says the Earl, with 
 some warmth. " Nay (said the Duke), there is no
 
 ]S1° 17. TATIKR. 127 
 
 help for it; for it is positively said, Cursed is he of 
 whom all men speak well."* This is taking a man 
 by surprise, and being welcome when you have so 
 surprised him. The person flattered receives you 
 into his closet at once : and the sudden change of 
 his heart from the expectation of an ill-wisher, to 
 find you his friend, makes you in his full favour in a 
 moment. The spirits that were raised so suddenly 
 against you, are as suddenly for you. There was 
 another instance given of this kind at the table. A 
 gentleman, who had a very great favour done him, 
 and an employment bestowed upon him, without so 
 much as being personally known to his benefactor, 
 waited upon the great man who was so generous, 
 and was beginning to say he was infinitely obliged. 
 ** Not at all," says the patron, turning from him to 
 another; " had I known a more deserving man in 
 England, he should not have had it." 
 
 We should certainly have had more examples, 
 had not a gentleman produced a book which he 
 thought an instance of this kind : it was a pamph- 
 let, called " The Naked Truth." The idea any 
 one would have of that work from the title was, 
 that there would be much plain dealing with people 
 in power, and th?t we should see things in their pro- 
 per light, stripped of the ornaments which are usual- 
 ly given to the actions of the great ; but the skill of 
 this author is such, that he has under that rugged 
 appearance, approved himself the finest gentleman 
 and courtier that ever writ. The language is ex- 
 tremely sublime, and not at all to be understood by 
 the vulgar. The sentiments are such as would make 
 no figure in ordinary words ; but such is the art of 
 expression, and the thoughts are elevated to so high 
 a degree, that I question whether the discourse will 
 
   Luke vi. 26. His Grace did not understand, nor quote 
 fairly, the passage of Scripture, to which lie thought it so 
 witty thus impiously to allude.
 
 128 TATLER. N"!?. 
 
 sell much. There was an ill-natured fellow present, 
 
 who hates all panegyric mortally ; " P- take 
 
 him," said he, " what the devil means his Naked 
 Truth, in speaking nothing but to the advantage of 
 all whom he mentions ? This is just such a great 
 action as that of the champion's on a coronation-day, 
 who challenges all mankind to dispute with him the 
 right of the sovereign, surrounded with his guards." 
 The gentleman who produced the treatise desired 
 him to be cautious, and said, it was writ by an ex- 
 cellent soldier, which made the company observe it 
 more narrowly; and (as critics are the greatest con- 
 jurors at finding out a known truth) one said, he. 
 was sure it was writ by the hand of his sword-arm. 
 I could not perceive much wit in that expression ; 
 but it raised a laugh, and, I suppose, was meant as 
 a sneer upon valiant men. The same man pretend- 
 ed to see in the style, that it was an horse-officer; 
 but sure that is being too nice ; for though you may 
 know officers of the cavalry by the turn of their feet, 
 I cannot imagine how you should discern their hands 
 from those of other men. But it is always thus with 
 pedants ; they will ever be carping, if a gentleman 
 or a man of honour puts pen to paper. I do not 
 doubt but this author will find this assertion too 
 true, and that obloquy is not repulsed by the force 
 of arms. I will therefore set this excellent piece in 
 a light too glaring for weak eyes, and, in imitation 
 of the critic Longinus, shall, as well as I can, make 
 my observations in a style like the author's of whom 
 I treat, which perhaps I am as capable of as another, 
 having " an unbounded force of thinking, as well 
 as a most exquisite address, extensively and wisely 
 indulged to me by the supreme powers." My author, 
 I will dare to assert, shows the most universal know- 
 ledge of any writer who has appeared this century ; 
 he is a poet and merchant, which is seen in two 
 master-words, " Credit-blossoms." He is a gram-
 
 N°17. TATLER. 129 
 
 marian and a politician ; for he says, " The uniting 
 of the two kingdoms is the emphasis of the security 
 of the protestant succession." Some would be apt 
 to say, he is a conjuror; for he has found, that a 
 republick is not made up of every body of animals, 
 but is composed of men only, and not of horses. 
 "Liberty and property have chosen their retreat 
 within the emulating circle of an human common- 
 wealth." He is a physician : for he says, " I ob- 
 serve a constant equality in its pulse, and a just 
 quickness of its vigorous circulation." And again, 
 " I view the strength of our constitution plainly ap- 
 pear in the sanguine and ruddy complexion of a well- 
 contented city." He is a divine; for he says, " I 
 cannot but bless myself." And, indeed, this excel- 
 lent treatise has had that good effect upon me, who 
 am far from being superstitious, that I also "cannot 
 but bless myself." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 18. 
 
 This day arrived a mail from Lisbon, with letters 
 of the thirteenth instant, N. S. containing a particu- 
 lar account of the late action in Portugal. On the 
 seventeenth instant the army of Portugal, under the 
 command of the Marquis de Frontera, lay on the 
 side of the Caya, and the army of the Duke of 
 Anjou, commanded by the Marquis de Bay, on the 
 other. The latter commander having an ambition to 
 ravage the country, in a manner in sight of the Portu- 
 gueze, made a motion with the whole body of his 
 horse towards Fort Saint Christopher, near the town 
 of Badajos. The generals of the Portugueze dis- 
 daining that such an insult should be offered to their 
 arms, took a resolution to pass the river, and oppose 
 the designs of the enemy. The Earl of Galloway 
 represented to them, that the present posture of af- 
 fairs was such on the side of the allies, that there 
 needed no more to be done at present in that country,
 
 130 TATLER. N" 17. 
 
 but to carry on a defensive part: but his argument 
 could not avail in the council of war. Upon which 
 a great detachment of foot, and the whole of the 
 horse of the King of Portugal's army, passed the 
 river, and with some pieces of cannon did good exe- 
 cution on the enemy. Upon observing this, the 
 Marquis de Bay advanced with his horse, and 
 attacked the right wing of the Portugueze cavalry, 
 who faced about, and fled, without standing the first 
 encounter. But their foot repulsed the same body 
 of horse, in three successive charges, with great 
 order and resolution. Whilst this was transacting, 
 the British general commanded the brigade of Pearce 
 to keep the enemy in diversion by a new attack. 
 This was so well executed, that the Portugueze in- 
 fantry had time to retire in good order, and re-pass 
 the river. But that brigade, which rescued them, 
 was itself surrounded by the enemy, and Major- 
 General Starkey, Brigadier Pearce, together with 
 both their regiments, and that of Lord Galloway, 
 lately raised, were taken prisoners. 
 
 During the engagement, the Earl of Barrimore, 
 having advanced too far to give some necessary 
 order, was hemmed in by a squadron of the enemy ; 
 but found means to gallop up to the brigade of 
 Pearce, with which he remains also a prisoner. 
 My Lord Galloway had his horse shot under him in 
 this action; and the Conde de Staint Juan, a Por- 
 tugueze General, was taken prisoner. The same 
 night the army encamped at Aronches, and on the 
 ninth moved to Elvas, where they lay when these 
 dispatches came away. Colonel Stanwix's regiment 
 is also taken. The whole of this aff'air has given 
 the Portugueze a great idea of the capacity and 
 courage of ray Lord Galloway, against whose advice 
 they entered upon this unfortunate aff"air, and by 
 whose conduct they were rescued from it. The pro- 
 digious constancy and resolution of that great man is
 
 N" 18. TATLER. 131 
 
 hardly to be paralleled, who under the oppression of 
 a maimed body, and the reflexion of repeated ill- 
 fortune, goes on with an unspeakable alacrity in the 
 service of the common cause. He has already put 
 things in a very good posture after this ill accident, 
 and made the necessary dispositions for covering 
 the country from any further attempt of the enemy, 
 who still lie in the camp they were in before the 
 battle. 
 
 Letters from Brussels, dated the twenty-fifth in- 
 stant, advise, that notwithstanding the negociations 
 of a peace seem so far advanced, that some do con- 
 fidently report the preliminaries of a treaty to be 
 actually agreed on, yet the allies hasten their prepa- 
 tions for opening the campaign ; and the forces of 
 the Empire, the Prussians, the Danes, the Wirtem- 
 bergers, the Palatines, and Saxon auxiliaries, are in 
 motion towards the general rendezvous, they being 
 already arrived in the neighbourhood of Brussels. 
 These advices add, that the deputies of the States of 
 Holland, having made a general review of the troops 
 in Flanders, set out for Antwerp on the 21st instant 
 from that place. 
 
 N" 18. SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, Ig. 
 
 Whate'ermen do, or say, or tliink, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 20. 
 
 It is observed too often that men of wit do so 
 much employ their thoughts upon fine speculations, 
 that things useful to mankind are wholly neglected ;
 
 132 TATLER. N° 18. 
 
 and they are busy in making emendations upon some 
 enclitics in a Greek author, while obvious things 
 that every man may have use for, are wholly over- 
 looked. It would be a happy thing, if such as have 
 real capacities for public service were employed in 
 works of general use ; but because a thing is every 
 body's business, it is nobody's business : this is for 
 want of public spirit. As for my part, who am only 
 a student, and a man of no great interest, I can only 
 remark things, and recommend the correction of them 
 to higher powers. There is an offence I have a 
 thousand times lamented, but fear I shall never see 
 remedied ; which is, that in a nation where learning 
 is so frequent as in Great Britain, there should be so 
 many gross errors as there are in the very directions 
 of things wherein accuracy is necessary for the con- 
 duct of life. This is notoriously observed by all men 
 of letters when they first come to town (at which time 
 they are usually curious that way) in the inscriptions 
 on sign-posts. I have cause to know this matter as 
 well as any body ; for I have, when I went to Mer- 
 chant-Taylors' school suffered stripes for spelling 
 after the signs I observed in my way ; though at the 
 same time I must confess, staring at those inscrip- 
 tions first gave me an idea and curiosity for medals, 
 in which I have since arrived at some knowledge. 
 Many a man has lost his way and his dinner by this 
 general want of skill in orthography ; for, consider- 
 ing that the paintings are usually very bad, that you 
 cannot know the animal under whose sign you are to 
 live that day, how must the stranger be misled if it 
 be wrong spelled, as well as ill painted? I have a 
 cousin now in town, who has answered under bache- 
 lor at Queen College, whose name is Humphry 
 Mopstaff (he is a-kin to us by his mother); this 
 young man going to see a relation in Barbican, wan- 
 dered a whole day by the mistake of one letter ; for 
 it was written, " This is the Beer," instead of " This
 
 N" 18. TATLER. 133 
 
 is the Bear." He was set right at last, by inquir- 
 ing for the house of a fellow who could not read, and 
 knew the place mechanically, only by having been 
 often drunk there. But, in the name of goodness, 
 let us make our learning of use to us, or not. Was 
 not this a shame, that a philosopher should be thus 
 directed by a cobler? I will be sworn, if it were 
 known how many have suffered in this kind by false 
 spelling since the Union, this matter would not long 
 lie thus. What makes these evils the more in- 
 supportable is, that they are so easily amended, and 
 nothing done to it; but it is so far from that, that the 
 evil goes on in other arts as well as orthography ; 
 places are confounded, as well for want of proper 
 distinctions, as things for want of true characters. 
 Had I not come by the other day very early in the 
 morning, there might have been mischief done ; for 
 a worthy North Briton was swearing at Stocks Mar- 
 ket that they would not let him in at his lodgings ; 
 but I, knowing the gentleman, and observing him 
 look often at the King on horseback, and then double 
 his oaths, that he was sure he was right, found he 
 mistook that for Charing Cross, by the erection of the 
 like statue in each place. I grant, private men may 
 distinguish their abodes as they please ; as one of 
 my acquaintance, who lives at Marybone*, has put 
 a good sentence of his own invention upon his dwell- 
 ing-place f, to find out where he lives: he is so near 
 London, that his conceit is this, "the country in 
 town;" or, "the town in the country;" for you 
 know, if they are both in one, they are all one. 
 Besides that, the ambiguity is not of great conse- 
 
 * The Duke of Buckingham is humourcusly said to have 
 lived at Marybone, ashe was almost every day on the bowling- 
 green there, and seldom left it until he could see no longer. 
 
 + On But kingham-house, now the Queen's palace, were 
 originally these inscriptions. On the front, "Sic siti laetan- 
 lur Lares;" on the back front, "Rus in urbe." On the side 
 next the road, " Spectator fastidiosus sibi moleslus ;" on the 
 North side, " Lcnte incaepit, cito perfecit." 
 
 N „
 
 134 TATLER. N" 18. 
 
 quence ; if you are safe at the place, it is no matter if 
 you do not distinctly know where the place is : but 
 to return to the orthography of public places. I 
 promise, that every tradesman in the cities of Lon- 
 don and Westminster shall give me sixpence a quar- 
 ter for keeping their signs in repair, as to the gram- 
 matical part; and I will take into my house a Swiss 
 Count! of my acquaintance, who can remember all 
 their names without book, for dispatch sake, setting' 
 up the head of the said foreigner for my sign ; the 
 features being strong, and fit for hanging high. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 20. 
 
 This day a mail arrived from Holland, by which 
 there are advices from Paris, that the kingdom of 
 France is in the utmost misery and distraction. The 
 merchants of Lyons have been at Court, to remon- 
 strate their great sufferings by the failure of their 
 public credit ; but have received no other satisfac- 
 tion than promises of sudden peace ; and that their 
 debts will be made good by funds out of the revenue, 
 which will not answer, but in case of the peace 
 which is promised. In the mean time, the cries of 
 the common people are loud for want of bread; the 
 gentry have lost all spirit and zeal for their country; 
 and the King himself seems to languish under the 
 anxiety of the pressing calamities of the nation, and 
 retires from hearing those grievances which he hath 
 not the power to redress. Instead of preparations 
 for war, and the defence of their country, there is 
 nothing to be seen but evident marks of a general 
 despair : processions, fastings, public mournings 
 and humiliations, are become the sole employments 
 of a people, who were lately the most vain and gay 
 of any of the universe. 
 
 The Pope has written to the French King on the 
 subject of a peace ; and his Majesty has answered 
 in the lowliest terms, tJiat he entirely submits his 
 I Probably John-James Heidegger, Esq.
 
 N° 18, TATLER. 135 
 
 aft'airs to Divine Providence, and shall soon show 
 the w^orld, that he prefers the tranquillity of his 
 people to the glory of his arms, and extent of his 
 conquests. 
 
 Letters from the Hague of the twenty-fourth say 
 that his Excellency the Lord Townshend delivered 
 his credentials on that day to the States-General, as 
 Plenipotentiary from the Queen of Great Britain ; 
 as did also Count Zinzendorf, who bears the same 
 character from the Emperor. 
 
 Prince Eugene intended to set out the next day 
 for Brussels, and his Grace the Duke of Marl- 
 borough on the Tuesday following. The Marquis de 
 Torcy talks daily of going, but still continues there. 
 The army of the allies is to assemble on the seventh 
 of next month at Helchin ; though it is generally 
 believed that the preliminaries to a treaty are fully 
 adjusted. 
 
 The approach of the peace strikes a panic through 
 our armies, though that of a battle could never do 
 it ; and they almost repent of their bravery, that 
 made such haste to humble themselves and the 
 French King. The Duke of Marlborough, though 
 otherwise the greatest general of the age, has plainly 
 shewn himself unacquainted with the arts of hus- 
 banding a war. He might have grown as old as the 
 Duke of Alva, or Prince Waldeck in the Low 
 Countries, and yet have got reputation enough 
 every year for any reasonable man ; for the com- 
 mand of General in Flanders hath been ever looked 
 upon as a provision for life. For my part, I cannot 
 see how his Grace can answer it to the world, for 
 the great eagerness he hath shown to send an hun- 
 dred thousand of the bravest fellows in Europe a- 
 begging : but the private gentlemen of the infantry 
 will be able to shift for themselves ; a brave man 
 can never starve in a country stocked with hen- 
 roosts. " There is not a yard of linen," says my 
 honoured progenitor, Sir John Falstaff', " in my
 
 136 TATLER. N' 18. 
 
 whole company; but for that," says this worthy 
 knight, " I am in no great pain ; we shall find shirts 
 on every hedge." There is another sort of gentle- 
 men whom I am much more concerned for, and that 
 is the ingenious fraternity of which I have the ho- 
 nour to be an unworthy member : I mean the news- 
 w^riters of Great Britain, whether Post-men or Post- 
 boy*, or by whatever name or title soever dignified 
 or distinguished. The case of these gentlemen is, I 
 think, more hard than that of the soldiers, consider- 
 ing that they have taken more towns, and fought 
 more battles. They have been upon parties and 
 skirmishes, when our armies have lain still; and 
 given the general assault to many a place, when the 
 besiegers were quiet in their trenches. They have 
 made us masters of several strong towns many 
 weeks before our generals could do it; and com- 
 pleted victories, when our greatest captains have 
 been glad to come oft' with a drawn battle. Where 
 Prince Eugene has slain his thousands. Boy erf has 
 slain his ten thousands. This gentleman can indeed 
 be never enough commended for his courage and in- 
 trepidity during this whole war : he has laid about 
 him with an inexpressible fury; and, like the of- 
 fended Marius of antient Rome, made such havoc 
 among his countrymen, as must be the work of two 
 or three ages to repair. It must be confessed, the 
 redoubted Mr, Buckley! has shed as much blood 
 as the former ; but I cannot forbear saying (and I 
 hope it will not look like envy,) that we regard our 
 brother Buckley as a kind of Drawcansir, who 
 spares neither friend nor foe, but generally kills as 
 many of his own side as the enemies'. It is impos- 
 sible for this ingenious sort of men to subsist after a 
 
 * " The Post-boy" was a scandalous weekly paper, by 
 Abel Roper; and " The Flying Post," by George Ridpath, 
 was just such another. 
 
 t Abel Boyer, author of "The Political State." 
 } Samuel Buckley, printer of "The Gazette," and also of 
 " The Daily Courant."
 
 N"18. TATLER. 137 
 
 peace : every one remembers the shifts they were 
 driven to in the reign of king Charles the Second, 
 when they coukl not furnish out a single paper of 
 news, without lighting up a comet in Germany, or 
 a fire in Moscow. There scarce appeared a letter 
 without a paragraph on an earthquake. Prodigies 
 were grown so familliar, that they had lost their 
 name, as a great poet of that age has it. I remember 
 Mr. Dyer*, who is justly looked upon by all the 
 fox-hunters in the nation as the greatest statesman 
 our country has produced, was particularly famous 
 for dealing in whales ; insomuch, that in five months 
 time (for I had the curiosity to examine his letters 
 on that occasion) he brought three into the mouth of 
 the river Thames, besides two porpusses and a stur- 
 geon. The judicious and wary Mr. Ichabod Dawksf 
 hath all along been the rival of this great writer, and 
 got himself a reputation from plagues and famines : 
 by which, in those days, he destroyed as great multi- 
 tudes as he has lately done by the sword. In every 
 dearth of news. Grand Cairo was sure to be unpeo- 
 pled. 
 
 It being therefore visible that our society will be 
 greater sufferers by the peace than the soldiery it- 
 self, insomuch that the Daily Courant is in danger of 
 being broken, my friend Dyer of being reformed, 
 and the very best of the whole band of being re- 
 duced to half pay ; might I presume to offer any 
 thing in the behalf of my distressed brethren, I 
 would humbly move, that an appendix of proper 
 apartments, furnished with pen, ink, and paper, and 
 other necessaries of life, should be added to the hos- 
 pital of Chelsea, for the relief of such decayed news- 
 writers as have served their country in the wars ; and 
 that for their exercise they should compile the annals 
 
 * " Dyer's Letter ;" a news-paper of that time, which ac- 
 cording to Mr. Addison, was entitled to little credit. 
 
 t Ichabod Dawks," another poor, epistolary historian."
 
 138 TATLER. ts°W. 
 
 of their brother veterans, who have been engaged in 
 the same service, and are still obliged to duty after 
 the same manner. 
 
 I cannot be thought to speak this out of an eye to 
 any private interest ; for as my chief scenes of action 
 are coffee-houses, play-houses, and my own apart- 
 ment, I am in no need of camps, fortifications, and 
 fields of battle, to support me ; I do not call for 
 heroes and generals to my assistance. Though the 
 oflScers are broken, and the armies disbanded, I shall 
 still be safe, as long as there are men, or women, 
 politicians, or lovers, or poets, or nymphs, or swains, 
 or cits, or courtiers, in being. 
 
 N° 19. SATURDAY, MAY 24, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 23. 
 
 There is nothing can give a man of any considera- 
 tion greater pain, than to see order and distinction 
 laid aside amongst men, espesially when the rank 
 (of which he himself is member) is intruded upon by 
 such as have no pretence to that honour. The appel- 
 lation of Esquire is the most notoriously abused in 
 this kind, of any class amongst men; insomuch, that 
 it is become almost the subject of derision ; but I 
 will be bold to say, this behaviour towards it pro- 
 ceeds from the ignorance of the people in its true 
 origin. 1 shall therefore, as briefly as possible, do 
 myself and all true Esquires the justice to Ipok into 
 antiquity upon this subject.
 
 N' 19; TATLER. 139 
 
 In the first ages of the world, before the invention 
 of jointures and settlements, when the noble passion 
 of love had possession of the hearts of men, and the 
 fair sex were not yet cultivated in the merciful dis- 
 position which they have showed in latter centuries, 
 it was natural for great and heroic spirits to retire to 
 rivulets, woods, and caves, to lament their destiny, 
 and the cruelty of the fair persons who were deaf to 
 their lamentations. The hero in this distress was 
 generally in armour, and in a readiness to fight any 
 man he met with, especially if distinguished by any 
 extraordinary qualifications : it being the nature of 
 heroic love to hate all merit, lest it should come 
 within the observation of the cruel one by whom its 
 own perfections are neglected. A lover of this kind 
 had always about him a person of second value, and 
 subordinate to him, who could hear his afflictions, 
 carry an enchantment for his wounds, hold his hel- 
 met when he was eating (if ever he did eat,) or in 
 his absence, when he was retired to his apartment in 
 any King's palace, tell the prince himself, or perhaps 
 his daughter, the birth, parentage, and adventures of 
 his valiant master. This trusty companion was 
 styled his Esquire, and was always fit for any offices 
 about him ; was as gentle and chaste as a gentleman- 
 usher, quick and active as an equerry, smooth and 
 eloquent as the master of the ceremonies. A man 
 thus qualified was the first, as the antients affirm, 
 who was called an Esquire ; and none without these 
 accomplishments ought to assume our order : but, to 
 the utter disgrace and confusion of the heralds, 
 every pretender is admitted into this fraternity, even 
 persons the most foreign to this courteous institution. 
 I have taken an inventory of all within this city, and 
 looked over every letter in the Post-office, for my 
 better information. There are of the Middle Temple, 
 including all in the bjittorv-books, and in the lists of
 
 140 TATLER. W" 19. 
 
 the house, five thousand.* In the Inner, four thou- 
 sandf. In the King's-Bench Walks, the whole 
 buildings are inhabited by Esquires only. The 
 adjacent street of Essex, from Morris's Coffee- 
 house,! and the turning towards the Grecian, you 
 cannot meet one who is not an Esquire, until you 
 take water. Every house in Norfolk and Arundel 
 streets is also governed by an Esquire, or his Lady ; 
 Soho-square, Bloomsbury-square, and all other 
 places where the floors rise about nine feet, are so 
 many universities, where you enter yourselves, and 
 become of our order. However, if this were the 
 worst of the evil, it were to be supported, because 
 they are generally men of some figure, and use ; 
 though I know no pretence they have to an honour 
 which had its rise from chivalry. But if you travel 
 into the counties of Great Britain, we are still more 
 imposed upon by innovation. We are indeed de- 
 rived from the field : but shall that give title to all 
 that ride mad after foxes, that halloo when they see 
 a hare, or venture their necks full speed after an 
 hawk, immediately to commence Esquires ? No : our 
 order is temperate, cleanly, sober, and chaste ; but 
 these rural Esquires commit immodesties upon hay- 
 cocks, wear shirts half a week, and are drunk twice 
 a day. These men are also, to the last degree, exces- 
 sive in their food : an Esquire of Norfolk eats two 
 pounds of dumpling every meal, as if obliged to do it 
 by our order : an Esquire of Hampshire is as rave- 
 nous in devouring hog's flesh : one of Essex has as 
 little mercy on calves. But I must take the liberty 
 to protest against them, and acquaint those persons, 
 that it is not the quantity they eat, but the manner of 
 eating, that shows an Esquire. But, above all, I am 
 
 * In Original Tatler , 4000. 
 
 t In Original Tatler, 5000. 
 
 t Morris's Coffee-house was in the Strand. •
 
 N" 19. TATLER. 141 
 
 most oftended at small quillmen, and transcribing 
 clerks, who are all come into our order, for no reason 
 that I know of, but that they can easily flourish at 
 the end of their name. I will undertake that, if you 
 read the superscriptions to all the officers in the king- 
 dom, you will not find three letters directed to any 
 but Esquires. I have myself a couple of clerks, and 
 the rogues make nothing of leaving messages upon 
 each other's desk : one directs, "To Gregory Goose- 
 quill, Esquire;" to which the other replies by a 
 note, " To Nehemiah Dashwell, Esquire, with res- 
 pect;" in a word, it is now Populus Armigerortim, a 
 people of Esquires. And I do not know but, by 
 the late act of naturalization, foreigners will assume 
 that title, as part of the immunity of being English- 
 men. All these improprieties flow from the negli- 
 gence of the Herald's-office. Those gentlemen in 
 party-coloured habits do not so rightly, as they ought, 
 understand themselves; though they are dressed 
 cap-a-pee in hieroglyphics, they are inwardly but 
 ignorant men. I asked an acquaintance of mine, 
 who is a man of wit, but of no fortune, and is forced 
 to appear as a jack pudding on the stage to a moun- 
 tebank : "Pr']ythee, Jack, why is your coat of so 
 many colours ?" He replied, " I act a fool: and 
 this spotted dress is to signify, that every man living 
 has a weak place about him ; for I am Knight of the 
 Shire, and represent you all." I wish the heralds 
 would know as well as this man does, in his way, 
 that they are to act for us in the case of our arms and 
 appellations : we should not then be jumbled together 
 in so promiscuous and absurd a manner. I design to 
 take this matter into further consideration ; and no 
 man shall be received as an Esquire, who cannot 
 bring a certificate, that he has conquered some 
 lady's obdurate heart ; that he can lead up a country- 
 dance ; or carry a message between her and her 
 lover, with address, secrecy, and diligence. A 
 Squire is properly born for the service of the sex, and 
 his credentials shall be signed by three toasts and
 
 142 TATLER, N'lO. 
 
 one prude, before his title shall be received in my 
 office. 
 
 Will's Coffee-Hoiise, May 23. 
 
 On Saturday last was presented the Busy Body, 
 a comedy, written (as I have heretofore remarked) 
 by a woman. The plot and incidents of the play are 
 laid with that subtlety of spirit which is peculiar to 
 females of wit, and is very seldom well performed by 
 those of the other sex, in whom craft in love is an 
 ^ct of invention, and not, as with women, the effect 
 of nature and instinct. 
 
 To-morrow will be acted a play, called, the Trip 
 to the Jubilee. This performance is the greatest in- 
 stance that we can have of the irresistible force of 
 proper action. The dialogue in itself has something 
 too low to bear a criticism upon it : but Mr. Wilks 
 enters into the part with so much skill, that the 
 gallantry, the youth, and gaiety of a young man of a 
 plentiful fortune, are looked upon with as much in- 
 dulgence on the stage, as in real life, without any of 
 those intermixtures of wit and humour, which usually 
 prepossess us in favour of such characters in other 
 plays. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 23. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, of the twenty-third instant, 
 N. S. say, that Mr. NValpole (who is since arrived) 
 was going with all expedition to Great Britain, 
 whither they doubted not but he carried with him 
 the preliminaries to a treaty of peace. The French 
 minister. Monsieur Torcy, has been observed, in 
 this whole negociation, to turn his discourse upon 
 the calamities sent down by Heaven upon France, 
 and imputed the necessities they were under to the 
 immediate hand of Providence, in inflicting a general 
 scarcity of provision, rather than the superior genius 
 of the generals, or the bravery of the armies, against 
 them. It would be impious not to acknowledge 
 the indulgence of Heaven to us ; but at the same
 
 N" 19. TATLER. 143 
 
 time as we are to love our enemies, we are glad to 
 see them mortified enough to mix Christianity with 
 their politics. An authentic letter from Madame 
 Maintenon to Monsieur Torcy has been stolen by a 
 person about him, who has communicated a copy of 
 it to some of the dependants of a minister of the 
 allies. That epistle is writ in the most pathetic 
 manner imaginable, and in a style which shows her 
 genius, that has so long engrossed the heart of this 
 gTcat monarch. 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 " I received your's, and am sensible of the address 
 and capacity with which you have hitherto transacted 
 the great affair under your management. You will 
 observe, that our wants here are not to be concealed; 
 and that it is vanity to use artifices with the knowing 
 men with whom you are to deal. Let me beg you, 
 therefore, in this representation of our circumstances, 
 to lay aside art, which ceases to be such when it is 
 seen, and make use of all your skill to gain us what 
 advantage you can from the enemy's jealousy of 
 each other's greatness ; which is the place where 
 only you have room for any dexterity. If you have 
 any passion for your unhappy country, or any affec- 
 tion for your distressed master, come home with 
 peace. Oh Heaven ! do I live to talk of Lewis 
 the Great, as the object of pity ? The king shows a 
 great uneasiness to be informed of all that passes : 
 but, at the same time, is fearful of every one who 
 appears in his presence, lest he should bring an ac- 
 count of some new calamity. I know not in what 
 terms to represent my thoughts to you, when I speak 
 of the king, with relation to his bodily health. Fi- 
 gure to yourself that immortal man, who stood in 
 our public places, represented with trophies, armour, 
 and terrors, on his pedestal : consider, the invincible, 
 the great, the good, the pious, the mighty, which
 
 141 TATLER. N''20. 
 
 were the usual epithets we gave him, both in our 
 language and thoughts. I say, consider him whom 
 you knew the greatest and most glorious of monarchs ; 
 and now think you see the same man an unhappy 
 lazar, in the lowest circumstances of human nature 
 itself, without regard to the state from whence he is 
 fallen. I write from his bed-side : he is at present 
 in a slumber. I have many many, things to add ; 
 but my tears flow too fast, and my sorrow is too big 
 for utterance. 
 
 " I am, &c." 
 
 There is such a veneration due from all men to 
 the persons of princes, that it were a sort of disho- 
 nesty to represent further the condition which the 
 king is in ; but it is certain, that soon after the re- 
 ceipt of these advices. Monsieur Torcy waited upon 
 his grace the Duke of Marlborough and the Lord 
 Townshend ; and in that conference gave up many 
 points, which, he had before said, were such, as he 
 must return to France before he could answer. 
 
 N" 20. THURSDAY, MAY 26, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 J (IV. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream. 
 Our motley paper seizes fur its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-hovse, May, 24. 
 
 It is not to be imagined how far prepossession will 
 run away with peoples' understandings, in cases 
 wherein they are under present uneasiness. The
 
 N" 20. TATLER. 145 
 
 following narration is a sufficient testimony of the 
 truth of this observation. 
 
 I had the honour the other day of a visit from a 
 gentlewoman (a stranger to me) who seemed to be 
 about thirty. Her complexion is brown; but the 
 air of her face has an agreeableness which surpasses 
 the beauties of the fairest woman. There appeared 
 in her look and mien a sprightly health ; and her 
 eyes had too much vivacity to become the language 
 of complaint, which she began to enter into. She 
 seemed sensible of it ; and therefore, with downcast 
 looks, said she, " Mr. Bickerstaft", you see before 
 you the unhappiest of women : and therefore, as you 
 are esteemed by all the world both a great civilian, 
 as well as an astrologer, I must desire your advice 
 and assistance, in putting me in a method of obtain- 
 ing a divorce from a marriage, which I know the law 
 will pronounce void." "Madam," said" I, "your 
 grievance is of such a nature, that you must be very 
 ingenuous in representing the causes of your com- 
 plaint, or I cannot give you the satisfaction you de- 
 sire." "Sir," she answers, " I believe there would 
 be no need of half your skill in the art of divination, 
 to guess why a v/oman would part from her hus- 
 band." "It is true," said I ; "but suspicions, or 
 guesses at what you mean, nay certainty of it, except 
 you plainly speak it, are no foundation for a formal 
 suit." She clapped her fan before her face ; " My 
 hasband," said she, " is no more an husband" (here 
 s!ie burst into tears) " than one of the Italian singers." 
 
 "Madam," said I, " the affliction you complain 
 of is to be redressed bylaw ; but, at the same time, 
 consider what mortifications you are to go through, 
 in bringing it into an open court : how will you be 
 able to bear the impertinent whispers of the people 
 present at the trial, the licentious reflections of the 
 pleaders, and the interpretations that will in general 
 be put upon your conduct by all the world? 'How 
 
 o
 
 14(5 TATLER. N° 20, 
 
 little (will they say) could that lady command her 
 passions ! Besides, consider, that curbing our de- 
 sires is the greatest glory we can arrive at in this 
 w'orld, and will be most rewarded in the next." She 
 answered like a prudent matron ; " Sir, if you please 
 to remember the office of matrimony, the first cause 
 of its institution is that of having posterity. There- 
 fore, as to the curbing desires, I am willing to undergo 
 any abstinence from food as you please to enjoin 
 me ; but I cannot, with any quiet of mind, live in 
 the neglect of a necessary duty and an express com- 
 mandment, Increase and multiply,'" Observing she 
 was learned, and knew so well the duties of life, I 
 turned my arguments rather to dehort her from this 
 public procedure by examples than precepts. Do 
 but consider. Madam, what crowds of beauteous 
 women live in nunneries, secluded for ever from the 
 conversation of men, with all the alacrity of spirit 
 imaginable ; they spend their time in heavenly rap- 
 tures, in constant and frequent devotions, and at 
 proper hours in agreeable conversation." " Sir," 
 said she hastily, "tell not me of Papists, or any of 
 their idolatries." " Well then, Madam, consider 
 how many fine ladies live innocently in the eye of 
 the world, and this gay town, in the midst of temp- 
 tation : there is the witty Mrs. W is a virgin of 
 
 forty-four, Mrs. T s is thirty-nine, Mrs. L ce 
 
 thirty-three ; yet you see they laugh, and are gay, 
 at the park, at the play-house, at the balls, and at 
 visits ; and so much at ease, that all this seenrs 
 hardly a self-denial." " Mr. BickerstafF," said she, 
 with some emotion, "you are an excellent casuist; 
 but the last word destroyed your whole argument; 
 if it is not self-denial, it is no virtue. I presented 
 you with a half-guinea, in hopes not only to have 
 my conscience eased, but my fortune told. Yet" — 
 "Well, Madam," said I, "pray of what age is your 
 husband ? ' " He is," replied my injured client.
 
 N° 20. TATLER. 14? 
 
 "fifty; and I have been his wife fifteen years." 
 " How happened it you never communicated your 
 distress, in all this time, to your friends and rela- 
 tions?" She answered, "He has been thus but a 
 fortnight." I am the most serious man in the world 
 to look at, and yet could not forbear laughing out. 
 " Why, Madam, in case of infirmity which proceeds 
 only from age, the law gives no remedy." "Sir," 
 said she, " I find you have no more learning than 
 Dr. Case ; and I am told of a young man, not five 
 and twenty, just come from Oxford, to whom I will 
 communicate this whole matter, and doubt not but 
 he will appear to have seven times more useful and 
 satisfactory knowledge than you and all your boasted 
 family." Thus I have entirely lost my client: but if 
 this tedious narrative preserves Pastorella from the 
 intended marriage with one twenty years her senior 
 — to save a lady, I am contented to have my learn- 
 ing decried, and my predictions bound up with poor 
 Robin's Almanacks. 
 
 Wiirs Coffee-house, May 25. 
 
 This evening was acted the Recruiting Officer, in 
 which Mr. Estcourt's proper sense and observation 
 is what supports the play. There is not, in my 
 humble opinion, the humour hit in Serjeant Kite, 
 but it is admirably su; plied by his action. If I have 
 skill to judge, that man is an excellent actor ; but the 
 crowd of the audience are fitter for representations at 
 May-fair, than a theatre-royal. Yet that fair is now 
 broke, as well as the theatre is breaking: but it is 
 allowed still to sell animals there. Therefore, if any 
 lady or gentleman have occasion for a tame elephant, 
 let them inquire of Mr. Penkethman, who has one to 
 dispose of at a reasonable rate. The downfall of 
 May-fair has quite sunk the price of this noble crea- 
 ture, as well as of many other curiosities of nature. 
 A tiger will sell almost as cheap as an ox; and I
 
 148 TATLER. N° 20. 
 
 am credibly informed, a man may purchase a cat 
 with three legs, for very near the value of one M^ith 
 four. I hear likewise that there is a great desolation 
 among the gentlemen and ladies who were the orna- 
 ments of the town, and used to shine in plumes and 
 diadems; the heroes being most of them pressed, 
 and the queens beating hemp. Mrs. Saraband, so 
 famous for her ingenious puppet-show, has set up a 
 shop in the Exchange, where she sells her little troop 
 under the term of jointed babies. I could not but be 
 solicitous to know of her, how she had disposed of 
 that rake-hell Punch, whose lewd life and conversa- 
 tion had given so much scandal, and did not a little 
 contribute to the ruin of the fair. She told me with 
 a sigh, " That despairing of ever reclaiming him, she 
 would not ofier to place him in a civil family, but got 
 him in a post upon a stall in Wapping, where he may 
 be seen from sun-rising to sun-setting, with a glass 
 in one hand, and a pipe in the other, as centry to a 
 brandy-shop." The great revolutions of this nature 
 bring to my mind the distress of the unfortunate 
 Camilla, who has had the ill luck to break before her 
 voice, and to disappear at a time when her beauty 
 was in the height of its bloom. This lady entered 
 so thoroughly into the great characters she acted, 
 that when she had finished her part, she could not 
 think of retrenching her equipage, but would appear 
 in her own lodgings with the same magnificence that 
 she did upon the stage. This greatness of soul has 
 reduced that unhappy princess to an involuntary re- 
 tirement, where she now passes her time among the 
 woods and forests, thinking on the crowns and 
 sceptres she has lost, and often humming over in 
 her solitude, 
 
 I was born of royal race, 
 
 Yet must wander in disgrace, &c.
 
 N° 20. TATLER. 149 
 
 But, for fear of being overheard, and her quality 
 known, she usually sings it in Italian. 
 
 Nacqui al regno, nacqui al trone, 
 
 E per sono 
 
 I venturata pastorella. 
 
 Since I have touched upon this subject, I shall 
 communicate to my reader part of a letter I have 
 received from an ingenious friend at Amsterdam, 
 vrhere there is a very noble theatre ; though the 
 manner of furnishing it with actors is something 
 peculiar to that place, and gives us occasion to ad- 
 mire both the politeness and frugality of the people. 
 
 " My friends have kept me here a week longer 
 ♦^an ordinary, to see one of their plays, which was 
 performed last night with great applause. The actors 
 are all of them tradesmen ; who, after their day's 
 work is over, earn a guilder a night by personating 
 kings and generals. The hero of the tragedy I saw 
 was a journeyman tailor, and his first minister of 
 state a coffee-man. The empress made me think of 
 Parthenope in the Rehearsal ; for her mother keeps 
 an alehouse in the suburbs of Amsterdam. When 
 the tragedy was over, they entertained us with a 
 short farce, in which the cobler did his part to a 
 miracle : but, upon inquiry, I found he had really 
 been working at his own trade, and representing on 
 the stage what he acted every day in his shop. The 
 profits of the theatre maintain an hospital ; for as 
 liere they do not think the profession of an actor the 
 only trade a man ought to exercise ; so they will not 
 allow any body to grow rich in a profession that, in 
 their opinion, so little conduces to the good of the 
 commonwealth. If I am not mistaken, your play- 
 houses in England have done the same thing ; for, 
 unless I am misinformed, the hospital at Didwich 
 was erected and endowed by Mr. Alleyn,a player; 
 
 o 3
 
 150 TATLER. 'N" 20. 
 
 and it is also said, a famous she-tragedian has settled 
 her estate, after her death, for the maintenance of 
 decayed wits, who are to be taken in as soon as they 
 grow dull, at whatever time of their life that shall 
 happen." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, Blay 25. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, of the thirty-first instant, 
 N. S. say, that the articles preliminary to a general 
 peace were settled, communicated to the States 
 general, and all the foreign ministers residing there, 
 and transmitted to their respective masters, on the 
 twenty-eighth. Monsieur Torcy immediately re- 
 turned to the court of France, from whence he is 
 expected again on the fourth of the next month with 
 those articles ratified by that court. The Hague [is 
 agreed upon for the place of treaty, and the fifteenth 
 of the next month the day on which it is to commence. 
 The terms whereon this negociation is founded are 
 not yet delivered by public authority : but what is 
 most generally believed is as follows : 
 
 Her Majesty's right and title, and the Protestant 
 succession to these dominions, is forthwith to be ac- 
 knowledged. King Charles is to be owned the law- 
 ful sovereign of Spain. Tlie French King shall not 
 only recall his troops out of that kingdom, and deli- 
 ver up to the Allies the towns of Roses, Fontarabia, 
 and Pampelona ; but, in case the Duke of Anjou 
 shall not retire out of the Spanish dominions, he shall 
 be obliged to assist the Allies to force him from 
 thence. A cessation of arms is agreed upon for two 
 months from the first day of the treaty. The port 
 and fortifications of Dunkirk are to be demolished 
 within four months ; but the town itself left in the 
 hands of the French. The Pretender is to be obliged 
 to leave France. All Newfoundland is to be re- 
 stored to the English. As to the other parts of 
 America, the French are to restore whatever they
 
 N" 20. TATLER. 151 
 
 may have taken from the English, as the English in 
 like manner are to give up what they may have taken 
 from the French, before the commencement of the 
 treaty. The trade between Great Britain and 
 France shall be settled upon the same foundation 
 as in the reign of King Charles the Second. 
 
 The Dutch are to have for their barriers, New- 
 port, Berg, St. Vinox, Fumes, Ipres, Lisle, Toiir- 
 nay, Douay, Valenciennes, Conde, Maubeuge, 
 Mons, Charleroy, Numer, and Luxemburg; all 
 which places shall be delivered up to the allies be- 
 fore the end of June. The trade between Holland 
 and France shall be on the same foot as in 1664. 
 The cities of Strasburg, Brisac, and Alsatia, shall 
 be restored to the Emperor and empire ; and the 
 King of France pursuant to the treaty of Westpha- 
 lia in 1648, shall only retain the protection often 
 Imperial cities, viz. Colmar, Schlestat, tlaguenau, 
 Munster, Turkeim Keisember, Obrenheim, Rosheim, 
 Weisemberg, and Landau. Huninguen, Fort-Louis, 
 Fort-Khiel, and New-Brisac, shall be demolished, 
 and all the fortifications from Basil to Philipsburg, 
 The King »f Prussia shall remain in the peaceable 
 possession of Neufchatel. The affair of OrfiUge, as 
 also the pretensions of his Prussian Majesty in the 
 French Compte, shall be determined at this general 
 negociation of peace. The Duke of Savoy shall 
 have a restitution made of all that has been taken 
 from him by the French, and remain master of 
 Exilles, Chamont, Fenestrelles, and the valley of 
 Pragelas.* 
 
 * In the first edition of the Tatler, in folio, there is the fol- 
 lowing addition to this paper : " It is said that Monsieur 
 Torcy, when he signed this instrument, broke into this excla- 
 mation: 'Would Colbert have signed such a treaty for 
 France ?' On which a minister present was pleased to say, 
 ' Colbert himself would have been proud to have saved France 
 in these circumstances on such terms,"
 
 152 TATLEK. N° 21. 
 
 N° 21. TUESDAY, MAY 23, 1709. 
 
 Qidcquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White s Chocolate-house, May 26. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN has writ to me out of the country 
 a very civil letter, and said things which I suppress 
 with great violence to my vanity. There are many 
 terms in my narrative which he complains want ex- 
 plaining ; and has therefore desired that, for the be- 
 nefit of my country readers, I would let him know 
 what 1 mean by a Gentleman, a pretty Fellow, a 
 Toast, a Coquet, a Critic, a Wit, and all other ap- 
 pellations of those now in the gayer world, who are 
 in possession of these several characters ; together 
 with an account of those who unfortunately pretend 
 to them. I shall begin with him we usually call a 
 Gentleman, or man of conversation. 
 
 It is generally thought, that warmth of imagina- 
 tion, quick relish of pleasure, and a manner of be- 
 coming it, are the most essential qualities for form- 
 ing this sort of man. But any one that is much in 
 company will observe, that the height of good breed- 
 ing is shown rather in never giving offence, than in 
 doing obliging things: thus he that never shocks 
 you, though he is seldom entertaining, is more likely 
 to keep your favour, than he who often entertains, 
 and sometimes displeases you. The most necessary 
 talent therefore in a man of conversation, which is 
 what we ordinarily intend by a tine Gentleman, is a 
 good judgment. He that has this in perfection is 
 master of his companion, without letting him see it; 
 and has the same advantage over men of any other
 
 N° '21. TATLER. 153 
 
 qualifications whatsoever, as one that can see would 
 have over a blind man often times his strength. 
 
 This is what makes Sophronius the darling of all 
 who converse vfitli him, and the most powerful with 
 his acquaintance of any man in town. By the light 
 of this faculty he acts with great ease and freedom 
 among the men of pleasure, and acquits himself with 
 skill and dispatch among the men of business : all 
 which he performs with such success, that, with as 
 much discretion in life as any man ever had, he 
 neither is, nor appears, cunning : but as he does a 
 good oiEce, if ever he does it, with readiness and 
 alacrity; so he denies, what he does not care to en- 
 gage in, in a manner that convinces you that you 
 ought not to have asked it. His judgment is so 
 good and unerring, and accompanied with so cheer- 
 ful a spirit, that his conversation is a continual feast, 
 at which he helps some, and is helped by others, in 
 such a manner, that the equality of society is per- 
 fectly kept up, and every man obliges as much as 
 he is obliged ; for, it is the greatest and justest skill, 
 in a man of superior understanding, to know how to 
 be on a level Avith his companions. This sweet dis- 
 position runs through all the actions of Sophronius, 
 and makes his company desired by women, without 
 being envied by men. Sophronius would be as just 
 as he is, if there were no lav/ ; and would be as dis- 
 creet as he is, if there were no such thing as calumny. 
 
 In imitation of this agreeable being, is made that 
 animal we call a pretty Tellow ; who, being just 
 able to find out, that what makes Sophronius ac- 
 ceptable is a natural behaviour, in order to the same 
 reputation, makes his own an artificial one. Jack 
 Dimple is his perfect mimic ; whereby he is, of course, 
 the most unlike him] of all men living. Sophronius 
 just now passed into the inner room directly for- 
 ward ; .Jack comes as fast after as he can for the 
 right and left looking-glass, in which he had but just
 
 154 TATLER. N'' 21 
 
 approved himself by a nod at each, and marched on. 
 He will meditate within for half an hour, until he 
 thinks he is not careless enough in his air, and come 
 back to the mirror to recollect his forgetfulness. 
 
 Wiirs Coffee-house, May 27. 
 
 This night was acted the comedy called the Fox*; 
 but I wonder the modern writers do not use their in- 
 terest in the house to suppress such representations. 
 A man that has been at this will hardly like any 
 other play during the season; therefore I humbly 
 move, that the writings, as well as dresses, of the 
 last age should give way to the present fashion. We 
 are come into a good method enough (if we were not 
 interrupted in our mirth by such an apparition as a 
 play of Jonson's) to be entertained at more ease, 
 both to the spectator and the writer, than in the days 
 of old. It is no difficulty to get hats and swords, 
 and wigs and shoes, and every thing else, from the 
 shops in town ; and make a man show himself by 
 his habit, without more ado, to be a counsellor, a 
 fop, a courtier, or a citizen, and not be obliged to 
 make those characters talk in different dialects to be 
 distinguished from each other. This is certainly the 
 surest and best way of writing ; but such a play as 
 this makes a man for a month after over-run with 
 criticism, and inquire, " What every man on the 
 stage said ? what had such a one to do to meddle 
 with such a thing ? how came the other, who was 
 bred after this or that manner, to speak so like a 
 man conversant among a different people ? These 
 questions rob us of all our pleasure; for, at this rate, 
 no sentence in a play should be spoken by any one 
 character which could possibly enter into the head 
 of another man represented in it ; but every senti- 
 ment should be peculiar to him only who utters it. 
 Laborious Ben's works will bear this sort of inquisi- 
 » Printed in 1605.
 
 M»21. TATLER. 155 
 
 tion ; but if the present writers were thus examined, 
 and the offences against this rule cut out, few plays 
 would be long enough for the whole evening's enter- 
 tainment. 
 
 But I do not know how they did in those old 
 times. This same Ben Jonson has made every one's 
 passion in this play be towards money ; and yet not 
 one of them expresses that desire, or endeavours to 
 obtain it, any way but what is peculiar to him only ; 
 one sacrifices his wife, another his profession, 
 another his posterity, from the same motive ; but 
 their characters are kept so skilfully apart, that it 
 seems prodigious their discourses should rise from 
 the invention of the same author. 
 
 But the poets are a nest of hornets, and I will 
 drive these thoughts no farther ; but must mention 
 some hard treatment I am like to meet with from 
 my brother- writers. I am credibly informed, that 
 the author of a play, called " Love in a Hollow 
 Tree," has made some remarks upon my late dis- 
 course on " The Naked Truth." I cannot blame a 
 gentleman for writing against any error ; it is for the 
 good of the learned world ; but I would have the 
 thing fairly left between us two, and not under the 
 protection of patrons : but my intelligence is, that 
 he hath dedicated his treatise to the Honourable 
 Mr. Ed d H rd. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 27. 
 
 To Isaac Bickerstaff, esquire. 
 
 " Sir, York, May 16, 1709. 
 
 " Being convinced, as the whole world is, how 
 infallible your predictions are, and having the 
 honour to be your near relation of the Staffian 
 family, I was under great concern at one of your 
 predictions relating to yourself, wherein you foretold 
 your own death would happen on the seventeenth
 
 15(J TATLER. ^"21. 
 
 instant, unless it were prevented by the assistance 
 of well-disposed people, I have therefore prevailed 
 on my own modesty to send you a piece of news, 
 which may serve, instead of Goddard's* drops to 
 keep you alive for tv/o days, until nature be able to 
 recover itself, or until you meet with some better 
 help from other hands. Therefore without further 
 ceremony, I will relate a singular adventure just 
 happened in the place where I am writing, whereof 
 it may be highly useful for the public to be in- 
 formed. 
 
 *' Three young ladies of our town were on Satur- 
 day last indicted for witchcraft. The witnesses 
 against the first deposed, upon oath, before Justice 
 Bindover, that she kept spirits locked up in vessels, 
 which sometimes appeared in tlames of blue fire ; 
 that she used magical herbs, Avith some of which 
 she drew in hundreds of men daily to her, who 
 went out from her presence all inflamed, their 
 mouths parched, and a hot steam issuing from them, 
 attended with a grievous stench ; that many of the 
 said men were, by the force of that herb, metamor- 
 phosed into swine, and lay wallowing in the kennels 
 for twenty-four hours before they could re-assume 
 their shape or their senses. 
 
 " It was proved against the second, that she cut 
 off by night the limbs from dead bodies that were 
 hanged, and was seen to dig holes in the ground, 
 to mutter some conjuring words, and bury pieces of 
 the flesh after the usual manner of witches. 
 
 " The third was accused for a notorious piece of 
 sorcery, long practised by hags, of moulding up 
 pieces of dough into the shapes of men, women, 
 and children ; then heating them at a gentle fire, 
 which had a sympathetic power to torment the 
 bowels of those in the neighbourhood. 
 
 * Dr. Jonathan Goddard was the physician and confidant 
 of Cromwell, a member of the Royal Society, and medical 
 professor of Grcsham College.
 
 N°21. TATLER. 157 
 
 " This was the sum of what was objected agamst 
 the three ladies ; who, indeed, had nothing to say 
 in their own defence, but downright deny the facts, 
 which is like to avail very little when they come 
 upon their trials. 
 
 " But the parson of our parisli, a strange refrac- 
 tory man, will believe nothing of all this ; so that 
 the whole town cries out, ' Shame ! that one of his 
 coat should be such an atheist :' and design to com- 
 plain of him to the Bishop : he goes about very oddly 
 to solve the matter. He supposes that the first of 
 these ladies, keeping a brandy and tobacco shop, the 
 fellows went out smoking, and got drunk towards 
 evening, and made themselves beasts. He says, the 
 second is a butcher's daughter, and sometimes brings 
 a quarter of mutton from the slaughter-house over- 
 night against a market-day, and once buried a bit 
 of beef in the ground, as a known receipt to cure 
 warts on her hands. The parson affirms, that the 
 third sells gingerbread ; which, to please the chil- 
 dren, she is forced to stamp with images before it is 
 baked ; and if it burns their guts, it is because they 
 eat too much, or do not drink after it. 
 
 " These are the answers he gives to solve those 
 wonderful phenomena : upon which I shall not ani- 
 madvert, but leave it among philosophers : and so, 
 wishing you all success in your undertakings for the 
 amendment of the v/orld, I remain, dear cousin, 
 " Your most afi'ectionate kinsman, 
 " and humble servant, 
 
 " Ephraim Bedstaff." 
 
 " P. S. Those who were condemned to death 
 among the Athenians were obliged to take a dose 
 of poison, which made them die upwards ; seizing 
 first upon their feet, making them cold and insensi- 
 ble, and so ascending gradually, until it reached the 
 vital parts. I believe your death, which you fore- 
 voi.. I. 1'
 
 158 TATLER. N''21. 
 
 told would happen on the seventeenth instant, will 
 fall out the same way, and that your distemper hath 
 already seized on you, and makes progress daily. 
 The lower part of you, that is, the Advertisements, 
 is dead ; and these have risen for these ten days last 
 past, so that they now take up almost a whole para- 
 graph. Pray, Sir, do you endeavour to drive this 
 distemper as much as possible to the extreme parts, 
 and keep it there, as wise folks do the gout : for, if 
 it once gets out into your stomach, it will soon fly 
 up into your head, and you are a dead man." 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, May 27. 
 
 We hear from Leghorn, that Sir Edward Whita- 
 ker, with five men of war, four transports, and two 
 fire-ships, were arrived at that port ; and Admiral 
 Byng was suddenly expected. Their squadrons 
 being joined, they designed to sail directly for Final, 
 to transport the reinforcements lodged in those parts 
 to Barcelona. 
 
 They write from Milan, that Count Thaun arrived 
 there on the sixteenth instant, N. S. and proceeded 
 on his journey to Turin on the twenty-first, in order 
 to concert such measures with his Royal Highness, 
 as shall appear necessary for the operations of the 
 ensuing campaign. 
 
 Advices from Dauphine say, that the troops of 
 the Duke of Savoy begin already to appear in those 
 valleys, whereof he made himself master the last 
 year; and that the Duke of Berwick applied him- 
 self with all imaginable diligence to secure the 
 passes of the mountains, by ordering intrenchments 
 to be made towards Brian^on, Tourneau, and the 
 valley of Queiras. That General has also been at 
 Marseilles and Toulon, to hasten the transportation 
 of the corn and provisions designed for his army. 
 
 Letters from Vienna, bearing date May the 
 twenty-third, N. S. import, that the Cardinal of
 
 N" 21. TATLER. 159 
 
 Saxe Zeits and the Prince of Lichtenstein were 
 preparing to set out for Presburg;, to assist at the 
 diet of the States of Hungary, which is to be assem- 
 bled at that place on the tAventy-fifth of this month. 
 General Heister will shortly appear at the head of 
 his army at Trentschein, which place is appointed 
 for the general rendezvous of the Imperial forces in 
 Hungary; from whence he will advance to lay seige 
 to Newhausel. In the mean time reinforcements, 
 with a great train of artillery, are marching the 
 same way. The King of Denmark arrived on the 
 tenth instant at Inspruck, and on the twenty-fifth 
 at Dresden, under a triple discharge of the artillery 
 of that place ; but his Majesty refused the ceremo- 
 nies of a public entry. 
 
 Our letters from the Upper Rhine say, that the 
 Imperial army began to form itself at Etlingen ; 
 where the respective deputies of the Elector Pala- 
 tine, the Prince of Baden Durlach, the Bishopric of 
 Spires, &c. were assembled, and had taken the 
 necessary measures for the provision of forage, the 
 security of the country against the incursions of the 
 enemy, and laying a bridge over the Rhine. Several 
 vessels laden with corn are daily passing before 
 Frankfort from the Lower Rhine. 
 
 Letters from Poland inform us, that a detachment 
 of Muscovite cavalry, under the command of General 
 Instand, had joined the confederate army ; and the 
 infantry commanded by General Goltz, was expected 
 to come up within a few days. These succours will 
 amount to twenty thousand men. 
 
 Our last advices from the Hague, dated June the 
 fourth, N. S. say, that they expected a courier from 
 the French Court, with a ratification of the prelimi- 
 naries, that night or the day following. His Grace 
 the Duke of Marlborough will set out for Brussels 
 on Wednesday or Thursday next, if the dispatches 
 which are expected from Paris do not alter his
 
 160 TATLER. N° 22. 
 
 resolutions. Letters from Majorca confirm the 
 honourable capitulation of the castle of Alicant, and 
 also the death of the Governor, Major-general 
 llichards, Colonel Sibourg, and Major Vignolles, 
 who were all buried in the ruins of that place by the 
 springing of the great mine, which did, it seems, 
 more execution than was reported. Monsieur 
 Torcy passed through Mons in his return, and had 
 there a long conference with the Elector of Bavaria; 
 after which, that prince spoke publicly of the treat- 
 ment he had received from France witli the utmost 
 indignation. 
 
 *^* Any person that shall come publicly abroad 
 in a fantastical habit, contrary to the present mode 
 and fashion, except Don Diego Dismallo,* or any 
 other out of poverty, shall have his name and dress 
 inserted in our next. 
 
 N. B. Mr. Howd'yecall is desired to leave off 
 those buttons. 
 
 N° 22. TUESDAY, MAY 31, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nosiri est farrago libelli, 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 Whites Chocolate-house, May 28. 
 
 I CAME hither this evening to see fashions ; and 
 who should I first encounter but my old friend Cyn- 
 thio (encompassed by a crowd of young fellows) 
 
 * This is well known to have been a nick-name given, iu 
 the rage of party, to a very respectable nobleman, the Earl of 
 Nottingham.
 
 N" 22. TATLER. 161 
 
 dictating on the passion of love with the gayest air 
 imaginable ! " Well," says he, " as to what T 
 know of the matter, there is nothing but ogling with 
 skill carries a woman ; but indeed it is not every 
 fool that is capable of this art ; you will find twenty 
 can speak eloquently, tifty that can fight manfully, 
 and a thousand that can dress genteelly, at a mistress, 
 where there is one that can gaze skilfully. This 
 requires an exquisite judgment, to take the language 
 of her eyes to yours exactly, and not let yours talk 
 too fast for hers ; as at a play between the acts, 
 when beau Frisk stands upon a bench full in Linda- 
 mira's face, and her dear eyes are searching round 
 to avoid that Haring open fool ; she meets the watch- 
 ful glance of her true lover, and sees his heart 
 attentive on her charms, and waiting for a second 
 twinkle of her eye for its next motion." Here the 
 good company sneered; but he goes on: " Nor is 
 this attendance a slavery, when a man meets with 
 encouragement, and her eye comes often in his 
 way ; for, after an evening so spent, and the repeti- 
 tion of four or five significant looks at him, the 
 happy man goes home to his lodging full of ten 
 thousand pleasing images : his brain is dilated, and 
 gives him all the ideas and prospects which it ever 
 lets into its seat of pleasure. Thus, a kind look 
 from Lindamira revives in his imagination all the 
 beauteous lawns, green fields, woods, forests, rivers, 
 and solitudes, which he had ever before seen in 
 picture, description, or real life ; and all with 
 this addition, that he now sees them with the eyes 
 of a happy lover, as before only with those of a 
 common man. You laugh, gentlemen; but consider 
 yourselves (ye common people, that were never in 
 iove,) and compare yourselves in good humour 
 with yourselves out of humour, and ye will then 
 acknowledge, that all external objects affect you 
 according to the dispositions ye are in, to receive 
 
 P 3
 
 162 TATLER. N° 22. 
 
 their impressions, and not as those objects are in 
 their own nature. How much more shall all that 
 passes within his view and observation touch with 
 delight a man who is prepossessed with successful 
 love, vv'hich is an assemblage of soft aii'ection, gay 
 desires, and hopeful resolutions !" 
 
 Poor Cynthio went on at this rate to the crowd 
 about him, without any purpose in his talk, but to 
 vent an heart overflowing with sense of success. I 
 wondered what could exalt him from the distress in 
 which he had long appeared, to so much alacrity; 
 but my familiar has given me the state of his affairs. 
 It seems, then, that lately coming out of the play- 
 house, his mistress, who knows he is in her livery, 
 as the manner of insolent beauties is, is resolved to 
 keep him still so, and gave him so much wages as 
 to complain to him of the crowd she was to pass 
 through. He had his wits and resolution enough 
 about him to take her hand, and say he would 
 attend her to the coach. All the way thither my 
 good young man stammered at every word, and 
 stumbled at every step. His mistress, wonderfully 
 pleased with her triumph, put to him a thousand 
 questions, to make a man of his natural wit speak 
 with hesitation; and let drop her fan, to see him 
 recover it aukwardly. This is the whole foundation 
 of Cynthio's recovery to the sprightly air he appears 
 with at present. 
 
 I grew mighty curious to know something more 
 of that lady's atiairs, as being amazed how she could 
 dally with an ofi'er of one of his merit and fortune. 
 1 sent Pacolet to her lodgings, who immediately 
 brought me back the following letter to her friend 
 and confident Amanda, in the country, wherein she 
 has opened her heart and all its folds. 
 
 " Dear Amanda, 
 
 "The town grows so empty, that you must ex- 
 pect my letter so too, except you will allow me to
 
 N" 22. TATLER, 163 
 
 talk of myself instead of others. You cannot ima- 
 gine what pain it is, after a whole day spent in 
 public, to want your company, and the ease which 
 friendship allows in being vain to each other, and 
 speaking all our minds. An account of the slaugh- 
 ter Avhich these unhappy eyes have made within 
 ten days last past, would make me appear too 
 great a tyrant to be allowed in a Christian country. 
 I shall therefore confine myself to my principal con- 
 quests; which are the hearts of beau Frisk and 
 Jack Freeland, besides Cynthio, who, you know, 
 wore my fetters before you went out of town. Shall 
 I tell you my weakness ? I began to love Frisk ; it 
 is the best-humoured impertinent thing in the world : 
 he is always too in waiting, and will certainly carry 
 me off one time or other. Freeland's father and 
 mine have been on treaty without consulting me ; 
 and Cynthio has been eternally watching my eyes, 
 without approaching me, my friends, my maid, or 
 any one about me : he hopes to get me, I believe, 
 as they say the rattle-snake does the squirrel, by 
 staring at me until I drop into his mouth. Freeland 
 demands me for a jointure, which he thinks deserves 
 me; Cynthio thinks notliing high enough to be my 
 value : Freeland therefore vnW take it for no obli- 
 gation to have me ; and Cynthio's idea of me is 
 what will vanish by knowing me better : familiarity 
 will equally turn the veneration of the one, and the 
 indifference of the other, into contempt. I will 
 stick therefore to my old maxim, to have that sort 
 of man, who can have no greater views than what 
 are in my power to give him possession of. The 
 utmost of my dear Frisk's ambition is, to be thought 
 a man of fashion ; and therefore has been so much 
 in mode, as to resolve upon me, because the whole 
 town likes me. Thus I choose rather a man who 
 loves me because others do, than one who approves 
 me on his own judgment. He that judges for him-
 
 164 TATLER. N" 2. 
 
 self in love will often change his opinion ; but he 
 that follows the sense of others must be constant, as 
 long as a woman can make advances. The visits I 
 make, the entertainments I give, and the addresses 
 I receive, will be all arguments for me with a man 
 of Frisk's second-hand genius ; but would be so 
 many bars to my happiness with any other man. 
 However, since Frisk can wait, I shall enjoy a 
 summer or two longer, and remain a single woman, 
 in the sublime pleasure of being followed and ad- 
 mired; which nothing can equal except that of 
 being beloved by you. I am, &c." 
 
 WilFs Coffee-house, May 30. 
 
 My chief business here this evening was to speak 
 to my friends on behalf of honest Cave Underbill, 
 who has been a comic for three generations : my 
 father admired him extremely when he was a boy. 
 There is certainly nature excellently represented in 
 his manner of action ; in which he ever avoided the 
 general fault in players, of doing too much. It 
 must be confessed, he has not the merit of some 
 ingenious persons now on the stage, of adding to 
 his authors : for the actors were so dull in the last 
 age, that many of them have gone out of the world, 
 without having ever spoke one word of their own in 
 the theatre. Poor Cave is so mortified, that he 
 quibbles and tells you, he pretends only to act a 
 part fit for a man who has one foot in the grave, 
 viz. a grave-digger. All admirers of true comedy, 
 it is hoped, will have the gratitude to be present on 
 the last day of his acting, who, if he does not hap- 
 pen to please them, will have it even then to say, 
 that it is his first offence. 
 
 But there is a gentleman here, who says he has 
 it from good hands, that there is actually a sub- 
 scription made by many persons of wit and quality 
 tor the encouragement of new comedies. This de-
 
 N° 22. TATLER. 165 
 
 sign will very much contribute to the improvement 
 and diversion of the town; but as every man is 
 most concerned for himself, I, who am of a satur- 
 nine and melancholy complexion, cannot but mur- 
 mur, that there is not an equal invitation to write 
 tragedies ; having by me, in my book of common 
 places, enough to enable me to finish a very sad 
 one by the fifth of the next month. I have the fare- 
 well of a general, with a truncheon in his hand, 
 dying for love, in six lines. I have the principles 
 of a politician (who does all the mischief in the play), 
 together with his declaration on the vanity of ambi- 
 tion in his last moments, expressed in a page and 
 an half. I have all ray oaths ready, and my simi- 
 lies want nothing but application. I will not pre- 
 tend to give you an account of the plot, it being the 
 same design upon which ail tragedies have been 
 writ for several years last past; and from the be- 
 ginning of the first scene, the frequenters of the 
 house may know as well as the author when the 
 battle is to be fought, the lady to yield, and the hero 
 proceed to his wedding and coronation. Besides 
 these advantages which I have in readiness, I have 
 an eminent tragedian very much my friend, who 
 shall come in and go through the whole five acts 
 without troubling me for one sentence, whether he is 
 to kill, or be killed, love, or be loved, win battles or 
 lose them, or whatever other tragical performance 
 I shall please to assign him. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 30. 
 
 I have this day received a letter, subscribed Fi- 
 delia, that gives me an account of an incliantment 
 under which a young lady suffers, and desires my 
 help to exorcise her from the power of the sorcerer. 
 Her lover is a rake of sixty; the lady a virtuous 
 woman of twenty-five : her relations are to the last 
 degree afflicted, and amazed at this irregular pas-
 
 i6() TATLER. N' 23. 
 
 sioii. Their sorrow I know not how to remove, but 
 can their astonishment; for, there is no spirit in 
 woman half so prevalent as that of contradiction, 
 which is the sole cause of her perseverance. Let 
 the whole family go dressed in a body, and call the 
 bride to-morrow morning to her nuptials, and I will 
 undertake the inconstant will forget the lover in the 
 midst of all his aches : but if this expedient does 
 not succeed, I must be so just to the young lady's 
 distinguishing sense, as to applaud her choice. A 
 rtne young woman, at last, is but what is due from 
 fate to an honest fellow, who has suffered so unmer- 
 cifully by the sex ; and I think we cannot enough 
 celebrate her heroic virtue, who (like the patriot 
 that ended a pestilence by plunging himself into a 
 gulph), gives herself up to gorge that dragon which 
 has devoured so many virgins before her. 
 
 * 
 
 A letter directed " To Isaac BickerstafF' 
 
 Esquire, Astrologer and Physician in ordinary to 
 her Majesty's subjects of Great Britain, with re- 
 spect," is come to hand. 
 
 N° 23. THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 80. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, May 31. 
 
 The generality of mankind are so very fond of this 
 world, and of staying in it, that a man cannot have 
 eminent skill in any one art, but they will, in spite
 
 N" 23. TATLER. 167 
 
 of his teeth, make him a physician also, that being 
 the science the workllings have most need of. 1 
 pretended, when I first set up, to astrology only ; 
 but, I am told, I have deep skill also in medicine. 
 I am applied to now by a gentleman for my advice 
 in behalf of his wife, who, upon the last matrimonial 
 difficulty, is excessively troubled with fits, and can 
 bear no manner of passion without falling into im- 
 mediate convulsions. I must confess it is a case I 
 have known before, and remember the party was 
 recovered by certain words pronounced in the midst 
 of the fit, by the learned doctor who performed the 
 cure. These ails have usually their beginning from 
 the aft'ections of the mind : therefore you must have 
 patience to let me give you an instance, whereby 
 you may discern the cause of the distemper, and 
 then proceed in the cure as follows : 
 
 A fine town-lady was married to a gentleman of 
 antient descent in one of the counties of Great Bri- 
 tain, who had good-humour to a weakness, and was 
 that sort of person of whom it is usually said, he is 
 no man's enemy but his own : one who had too 
 much tenderness of soul to have any authority with 
 his wife ; and she too little sense to give him any 
 authority, for that reason : his kind wife observed 
 this temper in him, and made proper use of it; but, 
 knowing it was below a gentlewoman to wrangle, 
 she resolved upon an expedient to save decorum, 
 and wear her dear to the point at the same time. 
 She therefore took upon her to govern him, by fal- 
 ling into fits whenever she was repulsed in a request, 
 or contradicted in a discourse. It was a fish-day, 
 when, in the midst of her husband's good-humour at 
 table, she bethought herself to try her project; she 
 made signs that she had swallowed a bone. The 
 man grew pale as ashes, and ran to her assistance, 
 calling for drink. " No, my dear," said she, re- 
 covering, " it is down; do not be frightened." This
 
 168 TATLER. N° 23. 
 
 accident betrayed his softness enongh. The next 
 day she complained, a lady's chariot, whose hus- 
 band had not half his estate, had a crane-neck, and 
 hung with twice the air that hers did. He answered, 
 " Madam, you know my income ; you know I have 
 lost two coach-horses this spring." — Down she fell — 
 •' Hartshorn! Betty, Susan, Alice, throw water in 
 her face." With much care and pains she was at 
 last brought to herself, and the vehicle in which 
 she visited was amended in the nicest manner, to 
 prevent relapses ; but they frequently happened 
 during that husband's whole life, which he had the 
 good fortune to end in a few years after. The dis- 
 consolate soon pitched upon a very agreeable suc- 
 cessor, whom she very prudently designed to go- 
 vern by the same method. This man knew her 
 little arts, and resolved to break through all tender- 
 ness, and be absolute master as soon as occasion 
 offered. One day it happened, that a discourse 
 arose about furniture ; he was very glad of the occa- 
 sion, and fell into an invective against china, pro- 
 testing he would never let five pounds more of his 
 money be laid out that way as long as he breathed. 
 She immediately fainted — he starts up as amazed, 
 and calls for help — the maids run to the closet. He 
 chafes her face, bends her forward, and beats the 
 palms of her hands : her convulsions increase, and 
 down she tumbles on the floor, where she lies quite 
 dead, in spite of what the whole family, from the 
 nursery to the kitchen, could do for her relief. 
 
 While every servant was thus helping or lament- 
 ing their mistress, he, fixing his cheek to hers, 
 seemed to be following in a trance of sorrow ; but 
 secretly whispers her, " My dear, this will never 
 do ; what is within my power and fortune, you may 
 always command ; but none of your artifices : you 
 are quite in other hands than those you passed these 
 pretty passions upon." This made her almost in
 
 N" 23. TATLER. 169 
 
 the condition she pretended : her convulsions now 
 came thicker, nor was she to be held down. The 
 kind man doubles his care, helps the servants to 
 throw water in her face by full quarts ; and when 
 the sinking part of the fit came again, " Well, my 
 dear," said he, " I applaud your action, but I must 
 take my leave of you until you are more sincere 
 with me : farewell for ever ; you shall always know 
 where to hear of me, and want for nothing." With 
 that he ordered the maids to keep plying her with 
 hartshorn, while he went for a physician : he was 
 scarce at the stair-head when she followed, and, 
 pulling him into a closet, thanked him for her cure : 
 which was so absolute, that she gave me this relation 
 herself, to be communicated for the benefit of all the 
 voluntary invalids of her sex. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 1. 
 
 Advices from Brussels of the sixth instant, N. S. 
 say, his Highness Prince Eugene had received a 
 letter from Monsieur Torcy, wherein that minister, 
 after many expressions of great respect, acquaints 
 him, that his master had absolutely refused to sign 
 the preliminaries to the treaty which he had, in his 
 Majesty's behalf, consented to at the Hague. Upon 
 the receipt of this intelligence, the face of things at 
 that place was immediately altered, and the neces- 
 sary orders were transmitted to the troops (which 
 lay most remote from thence) to move towards the 
 place of rendezvous with all expedition. The enemy 
 seem also to prepare for the field, and have at pre- 
 sent drawn together twenty-five thousand men in 
 the plains of Lenz. Marshal Villars is at the head 
 of those troops ; and has given the generals under 
 his command all possible assurances, that he will 
 turn the fate of the war to the advantage of his 
 master. 
 
 They write from the Hague, of the seventh, that 
 
 Q
 
 170 TATLER. N« 23. 
 
 Monsieur Rouille had received orders from the Court 
 of France, to signify to the States-General, and the 
 Ministers of the High Allies, that the King could 
 not consent to the preliminaries of a treaty of peace, 
 as it was offered him by Monsieur Torcy, The 
 great difficulty is the business of Spain, on which 
 particular his Ministers seemed only to say, during 
 the treaty, that it was not so immediately under 
 their master's direction, as that he could engage for 
 its being relinquished by the Duke of Anjou : but 
 now he positively answers, that he cannot comply 
 with what his Minister has promised in his behalf; 
 even in such points as are wholly in himself to act 
 in, or not. This has had no other effect than to give 
 the alliance fresh arguments for being diffident of 
 engagements entered into by France. The Pensioner 
 made a report of all which this Minister had declar- 
 ed to the Deputies of the States-General, and all 
 things turn towards a vigorous war. The Duke of 
 Marlborough designed to leave the Hague within 
 two days, in order to put himself at the head of the 
 army, which is to assemble on the seventeenth in- 
 stant between the Scheld and the Lis. A fleet of 
 eighty sail, laden with corn from the Baltic, is ar- 
 rived in the Texel. The States have sent circular 
 letters to all the provinces, to notify this change of 
 affairs, and animate their subjects to new resolutions 
 in defence of their country. 
 
 From my own Apartment, May 31. 
 
 The publick is not so little my concern, though I 
 am but a student, as that I should not interest my- 
 self in the present great things in agitation. I am 
 still of opinion the French King will sign the preli- 
 minaries. With that view, I have sent him, by my 
 familiar, the following epistle, and admonished him, 
 on pain of what I shall say of him to future genera- 
 tions, to act with sincerity on this occai^ion.
 
 M" 23. TATLER. 171 
 
 London, May 31. 
 " Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire of Great Britain, 
 to Lewis XIV. of France. 
 
 " The surprising news which arrived this day, of 
 your Majesty's having refused to sign the treaty your 
 Ministers have in a manner sued for, is what gives 
 ground to this appUcation to your Majesty, from 
 one, whose name, perhaps, is too obscure to have 
 ever reached your territories ; but one who, with all 
 the European world, is affected with your determi- 
 nations : therefore, as it is mine and the common 
 cause of mankind, I presume to expostulate with 
 you on this occasion. It will, I doubt not, appear 
 to the vulgar extravagant, that the actions of a 
 mighty Prince should be balanced by the censure of 
 a private man, whose approbation or dislike are 
 equally contemptible in their eyes, when they regard 
 the thrones of sovereigns. But your Majesty has 
 shewn, through the whole course of your reign, too 
 great a value for liberal arts, to be insensible that 
 true fame lies only in the hands of learned men, by 
 whom it is to be transmitted to futurity, with marks 
 of honour or reproach to the end of time. The date 
 of himian life is too short to recompense the cares 
 which attend the most private condition : therefore 
 it is, that our souls are made, as it were, too big for 
 it ; and extend themselves in the prospect of a longer 
 existence, in good fame, and memory of worthy ac- 
 tions, after our decease. The whole race of men 
 have this passion in some degree implanted in their 
 bosoms ; which is the strongest and noblest incita- 
 tion to honest attempts : but the base use of the arts 
 of peace, eloquence, poetry, and all the parts of 
 learning, have been possessed by souls so unworthy 
 of those faculties, that the names and appellations 
 of things have been confounded by the labours and 
 writings of prostituted men, who have stamped a re
 
 17*2 TATLER. N° 23. 
 
 piitation upon such actions as are in themselves the 
 objects of contempt and disgrace. This is that which 
 has misled your Majesty in the conduct of your reign, 
 and made that life, which might have been the most 
 imitable, the most to be avoided. To this it is, that 
 the great and excellent qualities, of which your Ma- 
 jesty is master, are lost in their application ; and 
 your Majesty has been carrying on for many years 
 the most cruel tyranny, with all the noble methods 
 which are used to support a just reign. Thus it is, 
 that it avails nothing that you are a bountiful mas- 
 ter ; that you are so generous as to reward even 
 the unsuccessful with honour and riches ; that no 
 laudable action passes unrewarded in your kingdom; 
 that you have searched all nations for obscure merit: 
 in a word, that you are in your private character 
 endowed with every princely quality ; when all that 
 is subjected to unjust and ill-taught ambition, which 
 to the injury of the world, is gilded by those endow- 
 ments. However, if your Majesty will condescend 
 to look into your own soul, and consider all its fa- 
 culties and weaknesses v.ith impartiality; if you will 
 but be convinced, that life is supported in you by 
 the ordinary methods of food, rest, and sleep ; you 
 will then think it impossible that you could ever be 
 so much imposed on, as to have been wrought into 
 a belief, that so many thousands of the same make 
 with yourself Avere formed by Providence for no 
 other end, but by the hazard of their very being to 
 extend the conquests and glory of an individual of 
 their own species. A very little reflection will con- 
 vince your Majesty, that such cannot be the intent 
 of the Creator ; and, if not, w hat horror must it give 
 your Majesty to think of the vast devastations your 
 ambition has made among your fellow-creatures ! 
 While the warmth of youth, the flattery of crowds, 
 and a continual series of success and triumph, in- 
 dulged your Majesty in this illusion of mind, it was
 
 N" 23. TATLER. 173 
 
 less to be wondered at, that you proceeded in this 
 mistaken pursuit of grandeur : but when age, disap- 
 pointments, public calamities, personal distempers, 
 and the reverse of all that makes men forget their 
 true being, are fallen upon you : heavens ! is it pos- 
 sible you can live without remorse? Can the wretched 
 man be a tyrant? can grief study torments? can sor- 
 row be cruel? 
 
 " Your Majesty will observe, I do not bring 
 against you a railing accusation ; but, as you are a 
 strict professor of religion, I beseech your Majesty 
 to stop the effusion of blood, by receiving the op- 
 portunity which presents itself for the preservation 
 of your distressed people. Be no longer so infa- 
 tuated, as to hope for renown from murder and vio- 
 lence ; but consider that the great day will come, in 
 which the world and all its glorj' shall change in a 
 moment; when nature shall sicken, and the earth 
 and sea give up their bodies committed to them, to 
 appear before the last tribunal. Will it then, O 
 King ! be an answer for the lives of millions, who 
 have fallen by the sword, ' They perished for my 
 glorj"^ ?' That day will come on ; and one like it is 
 immediately approaching : injured nations advance 
 towards the habitation ; vengeance has begun its 
 march, which is to be diverted only by the penitence 
 of the oppressor. Awake, O Monarch, from thy 
 lethargy ! disdain the abuses thou hast received ; 
 pull down the statue which calls thee immortal ; be 
 truly great : tear thy purple, and put on sackcloth. 
 " 1 am, 
 
 thy generous enemy, 
 
 Isaac Bickerstaff." 
 
 y3
 
 174 TATLER. N» 24. 
 
 N°24. SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt komines- 
 
 nostri esl farrago libclli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Wliate'ev men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 2. 
 
 In my paper of the twenty-eighth of the last month 
 I mentioned several characters, which want explana- 
 tion to the generality of readers : among others, I 
 spoke of a Pretty Fellow. I have since received a 
 kind admonition in a letter, to take care that I do 
 not omit to show also what is meant by a Very 
 Pretty Fellow ; which is to be allowed as a character 
 by itself, and a person exalted above the other by a 
 peculiar sprightliness; as one who, by a distinguish- 
 ing vigour, outstrips his companions, and has there- 
 by deserved and obtained a particular appellation, 
 or nick-name of familiarity. Some have this dis- 
 tinction from the fair sex, who are so generous as to 
 take into their protection such as are laughed at by 
 the men, and place them for that reason in degrees 
 of favour. 
 
 The chief of this sort is Colonel Brunett, who is 
 a man of fashion, because he will be so ; and prac- 
 tises a very janty way of behaviour, because he is 
 too careless to know when he offends, and too san- 
 guine to be mortified if he did know it. Thus the 
 Colonel has met with a town ready to receive him, 
 and cannot possibly see why he should not make 
 use of their favour, and set himself in the first de- 
 gree of conversation. Therefore he is very success- 
 fully loud among the wits, and familiar among the 
 ladies, and dissolute among the rakes : thus he is
 
 N" 24. TATLER. 175 
 
 admitted in one place, because he is so in another ; 
 and every man treats Brunett well, not out of his 
 particular esteem for him, but in respect to the opi- 
 nion of others. It is to me a solid pleasure to see 
 the world thus mistaken on the good-natured side ; 
 for, it is ten to one but the Colonel mounts into a 
 General officer, marries a fine lady, and is master of 
 a good estate, before they come to explain upon him. 
 What gives most delight to me in this observation 
 is, that all this arises from pure nature, and the 
 Colonel can account for his success no more than 
 those by whom he succeeds. For these causes and 
 considerations, I pronounce him a true woman's man, 
 and in the first degree, " A Very Pretty Fellow." 
 
 The next to a man of this universal genius is one, 
 who is peculiarly formed for the service of the ladies, 
 and his merit is chiefly to be of no consequence. T 
 am, indeed, a little in doubt, whether he ought not 
 rather to be called a very Happy, than a very Pretty 
 Fellow ? for he is admitted at all hours ; all he says 
 or does, which would offend in another, are passed 
 over in him ; and all actions and speeches which 
 please, doubly please if they come from him : no 
 one wonders or takes notice when he is wrong ; but 
 all admire him when he is in the right. By the way, 
 it is fit to remark, that there are people of better 
 sense than these, who endeavour at this character ; 
 but they are out of nature ; and though, with some 
 industry, they get the character of fools, they can- 
 not arrive to be very, seldom to be merely " Pretty 
 Fellows." But, where nature has formed a person 
 for this station amongst men, he is gifted with a pe- 
 culiar genius for success, and his very errors and 
 absurdities contribute to it ; this felicity attending 
 him to his life's end ; for, it being in a manner ne- 
 cessary that he should be of no consequence, he is 
 as well in old age as youth ; and I know a man.
 
 I7t) TATLER. N" 24. 
 
 whose son has been some years a " Pretty Fellow," 
 who is himself at this hour a very Pretty Fellow. 
 
 One must move tenderly in this place ; for we are 
 now in the ladies' lodgings, and speaking of such as 
 are supported by their influence and favour; against 
 which there is not, neither ought there to be, any 
 dispute or observation : but when we come into more 
 free air, one may talk a little more at large. 
 
 Give me leave then to mention three, whom I do 
 not doubt but we shall see make considerable figures; 
 and these are such as for their Bacchanalian per- 
 formances must be admitted into this order. They 
 are three brothers lately landed from Holland : as 
 yet, indeed, they have not made their public entry, 
 but lodge and converse at Wapping. They have 
 merited already on the water-side particular titles ; 
 the first is called Hogshead; the second, Culverin; 
 and the third, Musquet. This fraternity is prepar 
 ing for our end of the town by their ability in tlr 
 exercises of Bacchus, and measure their time ana 
 merit by liquid weight, and power of drinking. 
 Hogshead is a prettier fellow than Culverin, by two 
 quarts ; and Culverin than Musquet, by a full pint. 
 It is to be feared Hogshead is so often too full, and 
 Culverin overloaded, that Musquet will be the only 
 lasting Very Pretty Fellow of the three. 
 
 A third sort of this denomination is such as, by 
 very daring adventures in love, have purchased to 
 themselves renown and new names; as Joe Carry, 
 for his excessive strength and vigour; Tom Dry- 
 bones, for his generous loss of youth and health; 
 and Cancrum, for his meritorious rottenness. 
 
 These great and leading spirits are proposed to all 
 such of our British youth as would arrive at perfec- 
 tion in these different kinds ; and if their parts and 
 accomplishments were well imitated, it is not doubted 
 but that our nation would soon excel all others in 
 wit and arts, as they already do in arms.
 
 N" 24. TATLER. 177 
 
 N. B. Tlie gentleman who stole Betty Pepin* may 
 own it, for he is allowed to be " a very Pretty 
 Fellow." 
 
 But we must proceed to the explanation of other 
 terms in our writings. 
 
 To know what a Toast is in the country gives as 
 much perplexity as she herself does in town : and 
 indeed the learned differ very much upon the ori- 
 ginal of this word, and the acceptation of it among 
 the moderns : however, it is by all agreed to have 
 a joyous and cheerful import. A toast, in a cold 
 morning, heightened by nutmeg, and sweetened with 
 sugar, has for many ages been given to our rural dis- 
 pensers of justice, before they entered upon causes, 
 and has been of great and politic use to take oft" the 
 severity of their sentences ; but has, indeed, been 
 remarkable for one ill eft'ect, that it inclines those 
 who use it immoderately to speak Latin ; to the 
 admiration rather than information of an audience. 
 This application of a Toast makes it very obvious, 
 that the word may, without a metaphor, be under- 
 stood as an apt name for a thing which raises us 
 in the most sovereign degree : but many of the wits 
 of the last age will assert, that the word, in its pre- 
 sent sense, was known among them in their youth, 
 and had its rise from an accident at the town of 
 Bath, in the reign of King Charles the Second. 
 
 It happened that, on a public day, a celebrated 
 Beauty of those times was in the Cross Bath, and 
 one of the crowd of her admirers took a glass of 
 the water in which the fair one stood, and drank 
 her health to the company. There was in the place 
 a gay fellow half fuddled, who off'ered to jump in, 
 and swore, though he liked not the liquor, he would 
 have the toast. He was opposed in his resolution ; 
 
 * The kept mistress of a knight of the shire near Brentford, 
 wlio sqaaudered his estate on women, and in contested elec- 
 tions.
 
 178 TATLEK. N*" '24. 
 
 yet this whim gave foundation to the present honour 
 which is done to the lady we mention in our liquors ; 
 Vv'ho has ever since been called a Toast. 
 
 Though this institution had so trivial a beginning, 
 it is now elevated into a formal order; and that 
 happy virgin, who is received and drank to at their 
 meetings, has no more to do in this life but to judge 
 and accept of the first good offer. The manner of 
 her inauguration is much like that of the choice of 
 a Doge in Venice : it is performed by balloting ; 
 and when she is so chosen, she reigns indisputably 
 for that ensuing year ; but must be elected anew 
 to prolong her empire a moment beyond it. When 
 she is regularly chosen, her name is written with a 
 diamond on a drinking-glass*. The hieroglyphic 
 of the diamond is to shew her, that her value is 
 imaginary ; and that of the glass to acquaint her 
 that her condition is frail, and depends on the hand 
 which holds her. This wise design admonishes her, 
 neither to over-rate or depreciate her charms ; as 
 v/ell considering and applying, that it is perfectly 
 according to the humour and taste of the company, 
 whether the toast is eaten, or left as an offal. 
 
 The foremost of the whole rank of Toasts, and the 
 most indisputed in their present empire, are Mrs. 
 Gatty and Mrs. Frontlet: the first an agreeable, 
 the second an awful beauty. These ladies are per- 
 fect friends, out of a knowledge, that their perfec- 
 tions are too different to stand in competition. He 
 that likes Gatty can have no relish for so solemn a 
 creature as Frontlet; and an admirer of Frontlet 
 will call Gatty a maypole girl : Gatty for ever smiles 
 
 * It was the fashion of the time, to inscribe verses thus to 
 the reigning beauties. Several of these sprightly productions, 
 " on the toasting-glasses cf the Rit-cat (;iiib," by the Lords 
 Halifax, Wharton, Lansdovene, and Carbury, by Mr. Mayn- 
 waring, and other poetical members of that ingenious society, 
 may be seen in Nichols's " Select Collection of Miscellany 
 Poems," vol. v. pp. 168—178. 276,
 
 N" 24. TATLER. 17i> 
 
 upon you ; and Frontlet disdains to see you smile. 
 Gatty's love is a shining quick flame ; Frontlet's, a 
 slow wasting fire. Gatty likes the man that diverts 
 her; Frontlet, him who adores her. Gatty always 
 improves the soil in which she travels ; Frontlet lays 
 waste the country. Gatty does not only smile, but 
 laughs at her lover ; Frontlet not only looks serious, 
 but frowns at him. All the men of wit (and cox- 
 combs their followers) are professed servants of 
 Gatty ; the politicians and pretenders give solemn 
 worship to Frontlet. Their reign will be best judged 
 of by its duration. Frontlet will never be chosen 
 more ; and Gatty is a toast for life. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 3. 
 
 Letters from Hamburgh of the seventh instant, 
 N. S. inform us, that no art or cost is omitted to 
 make the stay of his Danish Majesty at Dresden 
 agreeable : but there are various speculations upon 
 the interview between King Augustus and that 
 Prince ; many putting politic constructions upon his 
 Danish Majesty's arrival at a time when his troops 
 are marching out of Hungary, with orders to pass 
 through Saxony, where it is given out, that they are 
 to be recruited. It is said also, that several Polish 
 senators have invited King Augustus to return into 
 Poland. His Majesty of Sweden, according to the 
 same advices, has passed the Nieper without any op- 
 position from the Muscovites, and advances with all 
 possible expedition towards Volhinia, where he pro- 
 poses to join King Stanislaus and General Crassau. 
 
 We hear from Bern of the first instant, N. S. that 
 there is not a province in France, from whence tlie 
 Court is not apprehensive of receiving accounts of 
 public commotions, occasioned by the want of corn. 
 The general diet of the thirteen cantons is assembled 
 at Baden, but have not yet entered upon .business ; 
 so that the aft'air of Tockenburgh is yet at a stand.
 
 180 . TATLER. N° 24. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, dated the eleventh in- 
 stant, N. S. advise, that Monsieur Rouille having 
 acquainted the Ministers of the allies, that his master 
 had refused to ratify the preliminaries of a treaty 
 adjusted with Monsieur Torcy, set out for Paris on 
 Sunday morning. The same day the foreign Mi- 
 nisters met a committee of the States-General, where 
 Monsieur Van Hessen opened the business upon 
 which they were assembled, and in a very warm 
 discourse laid before them the conduct of France in 
 the late negociations, representing the abject manner 
 in which she had laid open her own distresses, that 
 reduced her to a compliance with the demands of 
 all the allies, and her meanness in receding from 
 those points to which Monsieur Torcy had consented. 
 The respective Ministers of each potentate of the 
 alliance severally expressed their resentment of the 
 faithless behaviour of the French, and gave each 
 other mutual assurances of the constancy and reso- 
 lution of their principals, to proceed with the utmost 
 vigour against the common enemy. His Grace the 
 Duke of Marlborough set out from the Hague on 
 the ninth in the afternoon, and lay that night at 
 Rotterdam ; from whence, at four the next morning, 
 he proceeded towards Antwerp, with a design to 
 reach Ghent the next day. All the troops in the 
 Low Countries are in motion towards the general 
 rendezvous between the Scheld and the Lis : the 
 whole army will be formed on the twelfth instant ; 
 and it is said, that on the fourteenth they will ad- 
 vance towards the enemy's country. In the mean 
 time the Marshal de Villars has assembled the French 
 forces between Lens, La Bassee, and Douay. 
 
 Yesterday morning Sir John Norris, with the 
 squadron under his command, sailed from the Downs 
 for Holland.
 
 N" 24. TATLER. 181 
 
 From my oicn Apartment, June 3. 
 
 I have the honour of the following letter from a 
 gentleman whom I Receive into my family, and order 
 the heralds at arms to enroll him accordingly : 
 
 "Mr. Bickerstaff, 
 
 " Though you have excluded me the honour of 
 your family, yet I have ventured to correspond with 
 the same great persons as yourself, and have wrote 
 this post to the King of France ; though I am in a 
 manner unknown in his country, and have not been 
 seen there these many months : 
 
 TO LEWIS LE GRAND. 
 
 " Though in your Country I'm unknown, 
 
 Yet, Sir, I must advise you ; 
 Of late so poor and mean you 're grown, 
 
 That all the world despise you. 
 
 Here vermin eat your Majesty, 
 There meagre subjects stand unfed ! 
 
 What surer signs of poverty, 
 Than many lice and little bread ? 
 
 Then, Sir, the present minute chuse ; 
 
 Our armies are advanced : 
 Those terms you at the Hague refuse. 
 
 At Paris won't be granted. 
 
 Consider this, and Dunkirk raze, 
 
 And Anna's title own ; 
 Send one pretender out to graze, 
 
 And call the other home. 
 
 " Your humble servant, 
 
 Bread the Staff of Life." 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 18'2 TATLER. N" 25. 
 
 N° 25. TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'ev men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 6. 
 
 A Letter from a young lady, written in the most 
 passionate terms, wherein she laments the misfortune 
 of a gentleman, her lover, who was lately wounded 
 in a duel, has turned my thoughts to that subject, 
 and inclined me to examine into the causes which 
 precipitate men into so fatal a folly. And as it has 
 been proposed to treat of subjects of gallantry in 
 the article from hence, and no one point in nature is 
 more proper to be considered by the company who 
 frequent this place than that of duels, it is worth our 
 consideration to examine into this chimerical ground- 
 less humour, and to lay every other thought aside, 
 until we have stripped it of all its false pretences to 
 credit and reputation amongst men. 
 
 But I must confess, when I consider what I am 
 going about, and run over in my imagination all 
 the endless crowd of men of honour who will be 
 offended at such a discourse ; I am undertaking, 
 methinks, a work worthy an invulnerable hero in 
 romance, rather than a private gentleman with a 
 single rapier : but as I am pretty well acquainted, 
 by great opportunities, with the nature of man, and 
 know of a truth that all men fight against their will, 
 the danger vanishes, and resolution rises upon this 
 subject. For this reason, I shall talk very freely 
 on a custom which all men wish exploded, though 
 no man has courage enough to resist it.
 
 ii" 25. TATLER. 183 
 
 But there is one unintelligible word, which I fear 
 will extremely perplex my dissertation, and I confess 
 to you I find very hard to explain ; which is the term 
 " satisfaction." An honest country gentleman had 
 the misfortune to fall into company with two or three 
 modern men of honour, where he happened to be very 
 ill treated ; and one of the company, being conscious 
 of his offence, sends a note to him in the morning, 
 and tells him, he was ready to give him satisfaction. 
 ** This is fine doing," says the plain fellow ; "last 
 night he sent me away cursedly out of humour, and 
 this morning he fancies it would be a satisfaction to 
 be run through the body." 
 
 As the matter at present stands, it is not to do 
 handsome actions denominates a man of honour ; it 
 is enough if he dares to defend ill ones. Thus you 
 often see a common sharper in competition with a 
 gentleman of the first rank : though all mankind is 
 convinced, that a fighting gamester is only a pick- 
 pocket with the courage of an highwayman. One 
 cannot with any patience reflect on the unaccount- 
 able jumble of persons and things in this town and 
 nation ; which occasions very frequently, that a brave 
 man falls by a hand below that of a common hang- 
 man, and yet his executioner escapes the clutches 
 of the hangman for doing it. I shall therefore here- 
 after consider, how the bravest men in other ages 
 and nations have behaved themselves upon such 
 incidents as we decide by combat ; and show, from 
 their practice, that this resentment neither has its 
 foundation from true reason or solid fame ; but is 
 an imposture, made up of cowardice, falsehood, and 
 want of understanding. For this work, a good 
 history of quarrels would be very edifying to the 
 public ; and I apply myself to the town for parti- 
 culars and circumstances within their knowledge, 
 which may serve to embellish the dissertation with 
 proper cuts. Most of the quarrels I have ever
 
 184 TATLER. N" 25. 
 
 known, have proceeded from some valiant coxcomb's 
 jiersisting in the wrong, to defend some prevailing 
 folly, and preserve himself from the ingenuousness 
 of his own mistake. 
 
 By this means it is called " giving a man satis- 
 faction," to urge your offence against him with your 
 sword ; which puts me in mind of Peter's to the 
 keeper, in the Tale of a Tub ; "if you neglect to do 
 all this, damn you and your generation for ever ; and 
 so we bid you heartily farewell." If the contra- 
 diction in the very terms of one of our challenges 
 were as well explained, and turned into downright 
 English, would it not run after this manner ? — 
 
 oir, 
 
 " Your extraordinary behaviour last night, and the 
 liberty you were pleased to take with me, makes me 
 this morning give you this, to tell you, because you 
 are an ill-bred puppy, I will meet you in Hyde Park 
 an hour hence ; and because you want both breeding 
 and humanity, I desire you would come with a pistol 
 in your hand, on horseback, and endeavour to shoot 
 me through the head, to teach you more manners. If 
 you fail of doing me this pleasure, I shall say you are 
 a rascal on aerj post in town : and so. Sir, if you 
 will not injure me more, I shall never forgive what 
 you have done already. Pray, Sir, do not fail of 
 getting every thing ready ; and you will infinitely 
 oblige, Sir, your most obedient humble servant, &c." 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 6. 
 
 Among the many employments I am necessarily 
 put upon by my friends, that of giving advice is the 
 most unwelcome to me ; and, indeed, I am forced to 
 use a little art in the matter : for, some people will 
 ask counsel of you, when they have already acted 
 what they tell you is still under deliberation. I had 
 almost lost a very good friend the other day, who
 
 N" 25. TATLER. 185 
 
 came to know " how I liked his design to marry such 
 a lady ?" I answered, " By no means ; and I must 
 be positive against it, for very solid reasons, which 
 are not proper to communicate." " Not proper to be 
 communicated !" said he, with a grave air; " I will 
 know the bottom of this." I saw him moved, and 
 knew from thence he was already determined ; there- 
 fore evaded it by saying, " To tell you the truth, 
 dear Frank, of all women living, I would have her 
 myself." " Isaac," said he, " thou art too late, for 
 we have been both one these two months." 
 
 I learned this caution by a gentleman's consulting 
 me formerly about his son. He railed at his damned 
 extravagance, and told me, "in a very little time he 
 would beggar him by the exorbitant bills which came 
 from Oxford every quarter." " Make the rogue bite 
 upon the bridle," said I ; " pay none of his bills ; it 
 will but encourage him to further trespasses." He 
 looked plaguy sour at me. His son soon after sent 
 up a paper of verses, forsooth, in print, on the last 
 public occasion ; upon which, he is convinced the 
 boy has parts, and a lad of spirit is not to be too 
 much cramped in his maintenance, lest he take ill 
 courses. Neither father nor son can ever since en- 
 dure the sight of me. 
 
 These sort of people ask opinions only out of the 
 fulness of their heart, on the subject of their per- 
 plexity, and not from a desire of information. 
 
 There is nothing so easy as to find out which 
 opinion the man in doubt has a mind to ; therefore 
 the sure way is to tell him, that is certainly to be 
 chosen. Then you are to be very clear and positive : 
 leave no handle for scruple. " Bless me ! Sir, there 
 is no room for a question !" This rivets you into his 
 heart ; for you at once applaud his wisdom, and 
 gratify his inclination. However, I had too much 
 bowels to be insincere to a man who came yesterday, 
 to know of me with which of two eminent men 
 
 R 3
 
 186 TATLEK. N° 25. 
 
 ill the city, he should place his son? Their names 
 are Paulo and Avaro. This gave me much debate 
 with myself; because not only the fortune of the 
 youth, but his virtue also, dependeth upon this 
 choice. The men are equally w^ealthy ; but they 
 differ in the use and application of their riches, 
 which you immediately see upon entering their doors. 
 The habitation of Paulo has at once the air of a 
 nobleman and a merchant. You see the servants 
 act with affection to their master, and satisfaction 
 in themselves ; the master meets you with an open 
 countenance, full of benevolence and integrity ; your 
 business is dispatched with that confidence and wel- 
 come which always accompany honest minds. His 
 table is the image of plenty and generosity, sup- 
 ported by justice and frugality. After we had dined 
 here, our affair was to visit Avaro. Out comes an 
 awkward fellow, with a careful countenance ; " Sir, 
 would you speak with my master ? may I crave your 
 name?" After the first preamble, he leads us into 
 a noble solitude, a great house that seemed unin- 
 habited ; but from the end of the spacious hall moves 
 towards us Avaro, with a suspicious aspect, as if 
 he had believed us thieves ; and, as for my part, 
 I approached him as if I knew him a cut-purse. We 
 fell into discourse of his noble dwelling and the 
 great estate all the world knew he had to enjoy in 
 it ; and I, to plague him, began to commend Paulo's 
 way of living. " Paulo," answered Avaro, " is a 
 very good man; but we, who have smaller estates, 
 must cut our coats according to our cloth." " Nay," 
 says I, " every man knows his own circumstances 
 best ; you are in the right, if you have not where- 
 withal." He looked very sour; for it is, you must 
 know, the utmost vanity of a mean-spirited rich man 
 to be contradicted when he calls himself poor : but 
 I resolved to vex him, by consenting to all he said ; 
 the mean design of which was, that he would have
 
 N° 25. TATLER. 187 
 
 US find out, he was one of the wealthiest men in 
 London, and lived like a beggar. We left him, 
 and took a turn on the Exchange. My friend was 
 ravished with Avaro. " This," said he, " is cer- 
 tainly a sure man." I contradicted him with much 
 warmth, and summed up their different characters 
 as well as I could. " This Paulo," said I, " grows 
 wealthy by being a common good ; Avaro, by being 
 a general evil : Paulo has the art, Avaro the craft 
 of trade. When Paulo gains, all men he deals with 
 are the better ; whenever Avaro profits, another cer- 
 tainly loses. In a word, Paulo is a citizen, and 
 Avaro a cit." I convinced my friend, and carried 
 the young gentleman the next day to Paulo, where 
 he will learn the way both to gain and enjoy a good 
 fortune. And though I cannot say I have, by 
 keeping him from Avaro, saved him from the gal- 
 lows, I have prevented his deserving it every day 
 he lives : for with Paulo he will be an honest man, 
 without being so for fear of the law ; as with Avaro 
 he would have been a villain, within the protection 
 of it. 
 
 St. Jameses Coffee-house, June 6. 
 
 We hear from Vienna of the first instant, that 
 Baron ImlofF, who attended her Catholic Majesty 
 with the character of Envoy from the Duke of Wol- 
 fenbuttel, was returned thither. That minister 
 brought an account, that Major-general Stanhope, 
 with the troops which embarked at Naples, was re- 
 turned to Barcelona. We hear from Berlin, by 
 advices of the eighth instant, that his Prussian 
 Majesty had received an account from his Minister 
 at Dresden, that the King of Denmark desired to 
 meet his Majesty at Magdeburg. The King of 
 Prussia has sent for answer, that his present indis- 
 position will not admit of so great a journey; but 
 has sent the King a very pressing invitation to come 
 to Berlin or Potsdam. These advices say, that
 
 188 TATLER. N" 25. 
 
 the Minister of the King of Sweden has produc- 
 ed a letter from his master to the King of Po- 
 land, dated from Botizan the thirtieth of March, 
 O. S. wherein he acquaints him, that he has been 
 successful against the Muscovites in all the actions 
 which have happened since his march into their 
 country. Great numbers have revolted to the 
 Swedes since General Mazeppa went over to that 
 side : and as many as have done so have taken so- 
 lemn oaths to adhere to the interests of his Swedish 
 Majesty. 
 
 Advices from the Hague of the fourteenth instant, 
 N. S. Say, that all things tended to a vigorous and 
 active campaign ; the allies having strong resentments 
 against the late behaviour of the Court of France; 
 and the French using all possible endeavours to 
 animate their men to defend their country against 
 a victorious antl exasperated enemy. Monsieur 
 Rouille had passed through Brussels without visit- 
 ing either the Duke of Marlborough or the Prince 
 Eugene, who were both there at that time. The 
 States have met, and publicly declared their satis- 
 faction in the conduct of their Deputies during the 
 whole treaty. Letters from France say, that the 
 Court is resolved to put all to the issue of the en- 
 suing campaign. In the mean time they have ordered 
 the preliminary treaty to be published, with obser- 
 vations upon each article, in order to quiet the minds 
 of the people, and persuade them, that it has not 
 been in the power of the King to procure a peace, 
 but to the diminution of his Majesty's glory, and 
 the hazard of his dominions. His Grace the Duke 
 of Marlborough and Prince Eugene arrived at 
 Ghent on Wednesday last, where, at an assembly 
 of the General oiEcers, it was thought proper, by 
 reason of the great rains which had lately fallen, to 
 defer forming a camp, or bringing the troops toge- 
 ther ; but, as soon as the weather would permit, to 
 march upon the enemy with all expedition.
 
 NO 26. TATLER. 1B9 
 
 N° 20. THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt hotnines- 
 
 nostri est farrago llhelli. 
 
 Jcv. Sat. i. 85, 8G. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 8. 
 
 I HAVE read the following letter with delight and 
 approbation, and I hereby order Mr. Kidney at St. 
 James's, and Sir Thomas at White's (who are my 
 clerks for enrolling all men in their different classes, 
 before they presume to drink tea or chocolate in 
 those places), to take care that the persons within 
 the descriptions in the latter be admitted and ex- 
 cluded, according to my friend's remonstrance. 
 
 "Sir, i JuneG,\109. 
 
 " Your paper of Saturday has raised up in me a 
 noble emulation to be recorded in the foremost rank 
 of worthies therein mentioned : if any regard be 
 had to merit, or industry, I may hope to succeed in 
 the promotion ; for I have omitted no toil or expence 
 to be a proficient; and if my friends do not flatter, 
 they assure me I have not lost my time since I came 
 to town. To enumerate but a few particulars. 
 There is hardly a coachman I meet with, but de- 
 sires to be excused taking me, because he had me 
 before. I have compounded two or three rapes ; 
 and let out to hire as many bastards to beggars. 
 I never saw but one part of a play ;* and as to my 
 courage, it is well known I have more than once 
 had sufficient witness of my drawing my sword both 
 
 » At that time it seems as if the money was returned to 
 such as withdrew at the end of the first act.
 
 190 TATLER. N° 26. 
 
 in tavern and play-house. Doctor Wall* is my 
 particular friend; and, if it were any service to the 
 public to compose the difference between Martin,* 
 and Sintilaer* the Pearl-driller, f I do not know a 
 judge of more experience than myself; for in that I 
 may say, with the poet, 
 
 QucB regio in villa nostri non plena laboris ? 
 
 " What streets resound not with my great exploits ?" 
 
 I omit other less particulars, the necessary con- 
 sequence of greater actions. But my reason for 
 troubling you at this present is, to put a stop, if it 
 may be, to an insinuating, increasing set of people, 
 who, sticking to the letter of your treatise, and not 
 to the spirit of it, do assume the name of " Pretty 
 Fellows ;" nay, and even get new names, as you 
 very well hint. Some of them I have heard calling 
 to one another, as I have sat at White's and St. 
 James's, by the names of Betty, Nelly, and so forth. 
 You see them accost each other with effeminate 
 airs : they have their signs and tokens like free- 
 masons. They rail at woman-kind; receive visits 
 on their beds in gowns, and do a thousand other 
 unintelligible prettinesses that I cannot tell what to 
 make of. I therefore heartily desire you would 
 exclude all this sort of animals. 
 
 " There is another matter I foresee an ill conse- 
 quence from, that may be timely prevented by pru- 
 dence ; which is, that for the last fortnight prodi- 
 gious shoals of volunteers have gone over to bully 
 the French, upon hearing the peace was just signing; 
 and this is so true, that I can assure you, all ingross- 
 ing work about the Temple is risen above three 
 shillings in the pound for want of hands. Now, as 
 it is possible some little alteration of affairs may 
 have broken their measures, and that they will post 
 
 * Three practioners in physic or surgery, of some note at 
 this time, for curing diseases contracted by debauchery. 
 t A term rendered unintelligible by time.
 
 N° 26. TATLER. 191 
 
 back again, I am under the last apprehension, that 
 these will, at their return, all set up for " Pretty 
 Fellows," and thereby confound all merit and ser- 
 vice, and impose on us some new alteration in our 
 night-cap wigs and pockets, unless you can provide 
 a particular class for them. I cannot apply myself 
 better than to you, and I am sure I speak the mind 
 of a very great number, as deserving as myself." 
 
 The pretensions of this correspondent are worthy a 
 particular distinction; he cannot, indeed, be ad- 
 mitted as a " Pretty," but is what we more justly 
 call a " Smart Fellow." Never to pay at the play- 
 house is an act of frugality that lets you into his 
 character; and his expedient in sending his chil- 
 dren begging before they can go, are characte- 
 ristical instances that he belongs to this class. I 
 never saw the gentleman ; but I know by his letter, 
 he hangs his cane to his button ; and by some lines 
 of it he should wear red-heeled shoes; which are 
 essential parts of the habit belonging to the order of 
 "Smart Fellows." 
 
 My familiar is returned with the following letter 
 from the French king. 
 
 Versailles, June 3, 1709. 
 
 "Lewis XIV. to Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq. 
 "Sir, 
 
 " I have your epistle, and must take the liberty to 
 say, that there has been a time, when there were 
 generous spirits in Great Britain, who would not 
 have suffered my name to be treated with the fami- 
 liarity you think fit to use. I thought liberal men 
 would not be such time-servers, as to fall upon a 
 man because his friends are not in power. But, 
 having some concern for what you may commit to 
 {)osterity concerning me, I am willing to keep terms 
 with you ; and make a request to you, which is, that 
 you would give my service to the nineteenth cen-
 
 192 TATLER, N° 26. 
 
 tury (if ever you or yours reach them), and tell them 
 that I have settled all matters between them and me 
 by Monsieur Boileau. I should be glad to see you 
 here." 
 
 It is very odd, this prince should offer to invite 
 me into his dominions, or believe I should accept 
 the invitation. No, no; I remember too well how 
 he served an ingenious gentleman, a friend of mine,* 
 whom he locked up in the Bastile for no reason in 
 the world, but because he was a wit, and feared he 
 might mention him with justice in some of his writ- 
 ings. His way is, that all men of sense are pre- 
 ferred, banished, or imprisoned. He has indeed a 
 sort of justice in him, like that of the gamesters ; for 
 if a stander-by sees one at play cheat, he has a right 
 to come in for shares, as knowing the mysteries of 
 the game. 
 
 This is a very wise and just maxim; and if I have 
 not left at Mr. Morphew's, directed to me, bank bills 
 for two hundred pounds, on or before this day seven- 
 night, I shall tell how Tom Cash got his estate. 
 I expect three hundred pounds of Mr. Soilett, for 
 concealing all the money he has lent to himself, and 
 his landed friend bound with him, at thirty per cent. 
 at his scrivener's. Absolute princes make people 
 pay what they please, in deference to their power: 
 I do not know why I should not do the same, out of 
 fear or respect to my knowledge. I always pre- 
 serve decorums and civilities to the fair sex : there- 
 fore, if a certain lady, who left her coach at the New 
 Exchange door in the Strand, and whipt down Dur- 
 ham-yard into a boat with a young gentleman for 
 Vauxhall ;t I say, if she will send me word, that I 
 may give the fan which she dropped, and I found, to 
 my sister Jenny, there shall be no more said of it. 
 
 * Sir John Vanbrugh, who was once confined in the Bas- 
 tile, is probably the person here alluded to. 
 t In the Original Folio it is " Fox-hall."
 
 N" 26. TATLER. 193 
 
 I expect hush-money to be regularly sent for every 
 
 folly or vice any one commits in this whole town ; 
 
 and hope, I may pretend to deserve it better than a 
 
 chamber-maid or a valet tie chambre; they only 
 
 whisper it to the little set of their companions ; but 
 
 I can tell it to all men living, or who are to live. 
 
 Therefore 1 desire all my readers to pay their fines^ 
 
 or mend their lives. 
 «. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 8. 
 
 My familiar being come from France, with an 
 answer to my letter to Lewis of that kingdom, in- 
 stead of going on in a discourse of what he had seen 
 in that court, he put on the immediate concern of a 
 guardian, and fell to inquiring into my thoughts and 
 adventures, since his journey. As short as his stay 
 had been, I confessed I had had many occasions 
 for his assistance in my conduct; but communicated 
 to him my thoughts of putting all my force against 
 the horrid and senseless customs of duels. "If it 
 were possible," said he, " to laugh at things in 
 themselves so deeply tragical as the impertinent 
 profusion of human life, 1 think I could divert you 
 with a figure I saw just after my death, when the 
 philosopher threw me, as I told you some days ago, 
 into the pail of water. 
 
 "You are to know that, when men leave the 
 body, there are receptacles for them as soon as they 
 depart, according to the manner in which they lived 
 and died. At the very instant I was killed, there 
 came away with me a spirit which had lost his body 
 in a duel. We were both examined. Me the 
 whole assembly looked at with kindness and pity, 
 but at the same time with an air of welcome and 
 consolation : they pronounced me very happy, who 
 had died in innocence ; and told me, ' a quite dif- 
 ferent place was allotted to me, than that which was 
 appointed for my companion ; there being a great 
 
 VOL. I. s
 
 194 TATLER. N"" 26. 
 
 distance from the mansions of fools and innocents ; 
 though at the same time, said one of me ghosts, 
 there is a great affinity between an idiot who has 
 been so for a long life, and a child who departs be- 
 fore maturity. But this gentleman who has arrived 
 with you is a fool of his own making, is ignorant out 
 of choice, and will fare accordingly.' The assembly 
 began to flock about him ; and one said to him, ' Sir, 
 I observed you came in through the gate of persons 
 murdered, and I desire to know what brought you to 
 your untimely end?' He said, 'he had been "a 
 second." ' Socrates (who may be said to have been 
 murdered by the commonwealth of Athens) stood by, 
 and began to draw near him, in order, after this 
 manner, to lead him into a sense of his error by con- 
 cessi(ms in his own discourse. * Sir,' said that 
 divine and amicable spirit, ' what was the quarrel V 
 He answered, 'We shall know very suddenly, 
 when the principal in the business comes ; for he was 
 desperately wounded before I fell.' ' Sir,' said the 
 sage, 'had you an estate?' 'Yes, Sir,' the new 
 guest answered, ' I have left it in a very good con- 
 dition, and made my will the night before this occa- 
 sion.' 'Did you read it before you signed it?' 'Yes, 
 sure, Sir,' said the new comer. Socrates replies, 
 ' Could a man, that would not give his estate with- 
 out reading the instrument, dispose of his life without 
 asking a question?' That illustrious shade turned 
 from him; and a crowd of impertinent goblins, who 
 had been drolls and parasites in their life-time, and 
 were knocked on the head for their sauciness, came 
 about my fellow-traveller, and made themselves 
 very merry with questions about the words Cart 
 and Tierce, and other terms of fencers. But his 
 thoughts began to settle into reflection upon the ad- 
 venture which had robbed him of his late being : and 
 with a wretched sigh, said he, How terrible are 
 conviction and guilt, when they come too late for 
 penitence ! "
 
 N" 26, TATLER. 196 
 
 PacoTet was going on in this strain ; but he re- 
 covered from it, and told me, "it was too soon to 
 give my discourse on this subject so serious a turn; 
 you have chiefly to do with that part of mankind 
 which must be led into reflection by degrees, and 
 you must treat this custom with humour and raillery 
 to get an audience, before you come to pronounce 
 sentence upon it. There is foundation enough for 
 raising such entertainments, from the practice on 
 this occasion. Do not you know that often a man 
 is called out of bed to follow implicitly a coxcomb 
 (with whom he would not keep company on any 
 other occasion) to ruin and death? — Then a good 
 list of such as are qualified by the laws of these un- 
 courteous men of chivalry to enter into combat (who 
 are often persons of honour without common ho- 
 nesty); these I say, ranged and drawn up in their 
 proper order, would give an aversion to doing any 
 thing in common with such as men laugh at, and 
 contemn. But to go through this work, you must 
 not let your thoughts vary, or make excursions from 
 your theme : consider, at the same time, that the 
 matter has been often treated by the ablest and 
 greatest writers : yet that must not discourage you : 
 for the properest person to handle it, is one who has 
 roved into mixed conversations, and must have op- 
 portunities (which I shall give you) of seeing these 
 sort of men in their pleasures and gratifications, 
 among which they pretend to reckon fighting. It 
 was pleasantly enough said of a bully in France, 
 when duels first began to be punished : " The King- 
 has taken away gaming and stage-playing, and now 
 fighting too ; how does he expect gentlemen shall 
 divert themselves ? "
 
 196 TATLER. N" 27. 
 
 N" 27. SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Jov. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 15. 
 
 Pacolet being gone a-stroUing among; men of the 
 sword, in order to find out the secret causes of the 
 frequent disputes we meet with, and furnish me with 
 materials for my treatise on duelling ; I have room 
 left to go on in my information to my country readers, 
 whereby they may understand the bright people 
 whose memoirs I have taken upon me to write. 
 But in my discourse of the twenty-eighth of the last 
 month, [ omitted to mention the most agreeable of 
 all bad characters, and that is, a Rake. 
 
 A Rake is a man always to be pitied ; and, if he 
 lives, is one day certainly reclaimed ; for his faults 
 proceed not from choice or inclination, but from 
 strong passions and appetites, which are in youth 
 too violent for the curb of reason, good sense, good 
 manners, and good-nature ; all which he must have 
 by nature and education, before he can be allowed 
 to be, or to have been, of this order. He is a poor 
 unwieldy wretch, that commits faults out of the re- 
 dundance of his good qualities. His pity and com- 
 passion make him sometimes a bubble to all his 
 fellows, let them be never so much below him in 
 understanding. His desires run away with him 
 through the strength and force of a lively imagina- 
 tion, which hurries him on to luilawful pleasures, 
 before reason has power to come unto his rescue.
 
 N" 27. TATLER. 197 
 
 Thus, with all the good intentions in the world to 
 amendment, this creature sins on against Heaven, 
 himself, his friends, and his country; who all call 
 for a better use of his talents. There is not a being 
 under the sun so miserable as this ; he goes on in a 
 pursuit he himself disapproves, and has no enjoy- 
 ment but what is followed by remorse ; no relief 
 from remorse, but the repetition of his crime. It is 
 possible I may talk of this person with too much 
 indulgence ; but I must repeat it, that I think this a 
 character which is the most the object of pity of 
 any in tha world. The man in the pangs of the 
 stone, gout, or any acute distemper, is not in so 
 deplorable a condition, in the eye of right sense, as 
 he that errs and repents, and repents and errs on. 
 The fellow with broken limbs justly deserves your 
 alms for his impotent condition ; but he that cannot 
 use his reason is in a much worse state ; for you 
 see him in miserable circumstances, with his re- 
 medy at the same time in his own possession, if he 
 would, or could use it. This is the cause that, of 
 all ill characters, the Rake has the best quarter in 
 the world ; for when he is himself, and unruffled 
 with intemperance, you see his natural faculties 
 exert themselves, and attract an eye of favour to- 
 wards his infirmities. 
 
 But if we look round us here, how many dull 
 rogues are there, that would fain be what this poor 
 man hates himself for ? All the noise towards six in 
 the evening is caused by his mimics and imitators. 
 How ought men of sense to be careful of their actions, 
 if it were merely from the indignation of seeing 
 themselves ill drawn by such little pretenders ! Not 
 to say, he that leads is guilty of all the actions of his 
 followers ; and a Rake has imitators whom you 
 would never expect should prove so. Second-hand 
 vice, sure, of all is the most nauseous. There is 
 
 S3
 
 198 TATLER. N" 27. 
 
 hardly a folly more absurd, or which seems less to 
 be accounted for (though it is what we see everyday,) 
 than that grave and honest natures give into this 
 way, and at the same time have good sense, if they 
 thought fit to use it ; but the fatality (under which 
 most men labour) of desiring to be what they are not, 
 makes them go out of a method in which they might 
 be received with applause, and would certainly ex- 
 cel, into one wherein they will all their life have the 
 air of strangers to what they aim at. 
 
 For this reason, I have not lamented the meta- 
 morphosis of any one I know, so much as of Nobilis ; 
 who was born with sweetness of temper, just ap- 
 prehension, and every thing else that might make 
 him a man fit for his order. But, instead of the pur- 
 suit of sober studies and applications, in which he 
 would certainly be capable of making a considerable 
 figure in the noblest assembly of men in the world ; 
 I say, in spite of that good nature, which is his 
 proper bent, he v/ill say ill-natured things aloud ; 
 put such as he was, and still should be, out of 
 countenance; and drown all the natural good in 
 him, to receive an artificial ill character, in which 
 he will never succeed ; for Nobilis is no Rake. 
 He may guzzle as much wine as he pleases, talk 
 bawdy if he thinks fit ; but he may as well drink 
 water-gruel, and go twice a day to church, for it 
 will never do. I pronounce it again, Nobilis is no 
 Rake. To be of that order, he must be vicious 
 against his will, and not so by study or application. 
 All " Pretty Fellows" are also excluded to a man, 
 as well as all inamoratos, or persons of the epicene 
 gender, who gaze at one another in the presence of 
 ladies. This class, of which I am giving you an 
 account, is pretended to also by men of strong abi- 
 lities in drinking ; though they are such whom the 
 liquor, not the conversation, keeps together. But
 
 N° 27. TATLER. 199 
 
 blockheads may roar, fight, and stab, and be never 
 the nearer; their labour is also lost; they want 
 sense : they are no Rakes. 
 
 As a Rake among men is the man who lives in 
 the constant abuse of his reason, so a coquette 
 among women is one who lives in continual misap- 
 plication of her beauty. The chief of all whom I 
 have the honour to he acquainted with, is pretty 
 Mrs. Toss : she is ever in practice of something 
 which disfigures her, and takes from her charms ; 
 though all she does tends to a contrary effect. She 
 has naturally a A^ery agreeable voice and utterance, 
 which she has changed for the prettiest lisp imagina- 
 ble. She sees what she has a mind to see at half a 
 mile distance ; but poring with her eyes half shut at 
 every one she passes by, she believes much more 
 becoming. The Cupid on her fan and she have 
 their eyes full on each other, all the time in which 
 they are not both in motion. \^lienever her eye is 
 turned from that dear object, you may have a glance, 
 and your bow, if she is in humour, returned as civilly 
 as you make it ; but that must not be in the presence 
 of a man of greater quality : for Mrs. Toss is so 
 thoroughly well-bred, that the chief person present 
 has all her regards. And she who giggles at divine 
 service, and laughs at her very mother, can compose 
 herself at the approach of a man of a good estate. 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, June 9. 
 
 A fine lady showed a gentleman of this company, 
 for an eternal answer to all his addresses, a paper of 
 verses, with which she is so captivated, that she 
 professed the author should be the happy man in 
 spite of all other pretenders. It is ordinary for love 
 to make men poetical, and it had that efl'ect on this 
 enamoured man : but he was resolved to try his vein 
 upon some of her confidants or retinue, before he 
 ventured upon so high a theme as herself. To do
 
 200 TATLEK. N'"27. 
 
 otherwise than so, would be like making an heroic 
 poem a man's first attempt. Among the favourites 
 to the fair one, he found her parrot not to be in the 
 last degree : he saw Poll had her ear, when his 
 sighs were neglected. To write against him had 
 been a fruitless labour; therefore he resolved to 
 flatter him into his interest in the following manner: 
 
 To a Lady, on her Parrot. 
 
 When nympbs were coy, and love could not prevail^ 
 The gods disguis'd were seldom known to fail ; 
 Leda was chaste ; but yet a feather'd Jove 
 Surpriz'd the fair, and taught her how to love. 
 There's no celestial but his Heaven would quit, 
 For any form which might to thee admit. 
 See how the wanton bird, at every glance, 
 Swells his glad plumes, and feels an amorous trance ; 
 The queen of beauty has forsook the dove ; 
 Henceforth the Parrot be the bird of love. 
 
 It is indeed a very just proposition to give that 
 honour rather to the parrot than the other volatile. 
 The parrot represents us in the state of making 
 love : the dove, in the possession of the object be- 
 loved. But, instead of turning the dove off, I fancy 
 it would be better if the chaise of Venus had here- 
 after a parrot added (as we see sometimes a third 
 horse to a coach), which might intimate, that to be 
 a parrot, is the only way to succeed ; and to be a 
 dove, to preserve your conquests. If the swain 
 would go on successfully, he must imitate the bird 
 he writes upon : for he who would be loved by 
 women, must never be silent before the favour, or 
 open his lips after it. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 10. 
 
 I have so many messages from young gentlemen 
 who expect preferment and distinction, that I am 
 wholly at a loss in what manner to acquit myself. 
 The writer of the following letter tells me in a post- 
 script, he cannot go out of town until I have taken
 
 N" 27. TATLEK. 201 
 
 borue notice of him ; and is very urgent to be some- 
 Body in it, before he returns to his commons at the 
 university. But take it from himseh'. 
 
 " To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire, Monitor- 
 General of Great Britain. 
 "Sir, Sheer-lane, June Q. 
 
 " I have been above six months from the univer- 
 sity; of age these three months ; and so long in town. 
 I was recommended to one Charles Bubbleboy* near 
 the Temple, who has supplied me with all the furni- 
 ture he says a gentleman ought to have. I desired 
 a certificate thereof from him, which he said would 
 require some time to consider of; and when I went 
 yesterday morning for it, he tells me, upon due con- 
 sideration, I still want some few odd things more to 
 the value of threescore or fourscore pounds, to make 
 me complete. I have bespoke them; and the favour 
 I beg of you is, to know, when I am equipped, in 
 what part or class of men in this town you will place 
 me. Pray send me word what I am, and you shall 
 find me, Sir, your most humble servant, 
 
 " Jeffry Nicknack." 
 
 I am very willing to encourage young beginners; 
 but am extremely in the dark how to dispose of this 
 gentleman. I cannot sue either his person or habit 
 in this letter; but I will call at Charles's,! and 
 know the shape of his snuff-lox, ry which I can 
 settle his character. Though indeed, to know his 
 full capacity, I ought to be informed whether he 
 takes Spanish or Musty. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 10. 
 
 Letters from the Low Countries, of the seventeenth 
 
 instant say, that the Duke of Marlborough and the 
 
 * Charles Mather, at that time an eminent toyman in Fleet 
 
 Street. 
 
 + Charles Mather.
 
 202 TATLER. N° 28. 
 
 Prince of Savoy intend to leave Ghent on that day, 
 and join the army which lies betw^een Pontd'Espiere 
 and Courtray, their head-quarters being at Helcliin. 
 The same day the Palatine foot M^ere expected at 
 Brussels. Lieutenant-general Dompre, with a body 
 of eight thousand men, is posted at Alost, in order 
 to cover Ghent and Brussels. The Marshal de 
 Villars was still on the plain of Lenz ; and it is said 
 the duke of Vendosme is appointed to command in 
 conjunction with that general. Advices from Paris 
 say. Monsieur Voison is made secretary of state, 
 upon Monsieur Chamillard's resignation of that em- 
 ployment. The want of money in that kingdom is 
 so great, that the court has thought fit to command 
 all the plate of private families to be brought into 
 the mint. They write from the Hague of the 
 eighteenth, that the States of Holland continue their 
 session ; and that they have approved the resolution 
 of the States-General, to publish a second edict to 
 prohibit the sale of corn to the enemy. Many eminent 
 persons in that assembly have declared, that they are 
 of opinion, that all commerce whatsoever with 
 France should be wholly forbidden : which point is 
 under present deliberation : but it is feared it will 
 meet with powerful opposition. 
 
 N" 28. TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines- 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85.86, 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes lor its theme. P. 
 
 Whitens Chocolate-house, June 13. 
 I HAD suspended the business of duelling to a distant 
 time; but that 1 am called upon to declare myself on 
 a point proposed in the following letter :
 
 N" 28. TATLER.. 203 
 
 << Sir, June 9, at night. 
 
 " I desire the favour of you to decide this ques- 
 tion, whether calling a gentleman a Smart Fellow is 
 an affront or not? A youth entering a certain 
 coffee-house, with his cane tied to his button, wear- 
 ing red-heleed shoe«, I thought of your description, 
 and could not forbear telling a friend of mine next 
 to me, " There enters a Smart Fellow." The gen- 
 tleman hearing it, had immediately a mind to pick a 
 quarrel with me, and desired satisfaction ; at which 
 I was more puzzled than at the other; remembering 
 what mention your familiar makes of those that had 
 lost their lives on such occasions. The thing is re- 
 ferred to your judgment ; and I expect you to be 
 my second, since you have been the cause of our 
 quarrel. I am Sir, your friend and humble servant." 
 
 I absolutely pronounce, thai, there is no occasion 
 of offence given in this expression ; for a " Smart 
 Fellow" is always an appellation of praise, and is a 
 man of double capacity. The true cast or mould, 
 which you may be sure to know him by, is, when his 
 livelihood or education is in the civil list, and you 
 see him express a vivacity or mettle above the way 
 he is in, by a little jerk in his motion, short trip in 
 his steps, well-fancied lining of his coat, or any 
 other indications which may be given in a vigorous 
 dress. Now, what possible insinuation can there 
 be, that it is a cause of quarrel for a man to say, he 
 allows a gentleman really to be what his tailor, his 
 hosier, and his milliner have conspired to make 
 him ? I confess, if this person who appeals to me 
 had said, he was " not a Smart Fellow," there had 
 been cause for resentment; but if he stands to it 
 that he is one, he leaves no manner of ground for 
 misunderstanding. Indeed it is a most lamentable 
 thing, that there should be a dispute raised upon a' 
 man's saying another is what he plainly takes pains 
 to be thought.
 
 204 TATLER. N*' 28. 
 
 But this point cannot be so well adjusted, as by 
 inquiring wiiat are the sentiments of wise nations 
 and communities on the use of the sword, and 
 from thence conclude whether it is honourable to 
 draw it so frequently or not ? An illustrious common- 
 wealth of Italy* has preserved itself for many ages, 
 without letting one of their subjects handle tl 's de- 
 structive instrument : always leaving that work to 
 such of mankind as understand the use of a whole 
 skin so little, as to make a profession of exposing it 
 to cuts and scars. 
 
 But what need we run to such foreign instances ? 
 Our own antient and well-governed cities are conspi- 
 cuous examples to all mankind in their regulation 
 of military atchievements. The chief citizens, like , 
 the noble Italians, hire mercenaries to carry arms 
 in their stead ; and you shall have a fellow of a 
 desperate fortune, for the gain of one half crown, 
 go through all the dangers of Tothill- Fields, or the 
 A.rtillery-ground, clap his right jaw within two 
 inches of the touch-hole of a musquet, iSre it off, 
 and huzza, with as little concern as he tears a 
 pullet.f Thus you see to what scorn of danger 
 these mercenaries arrive, out of a mere love of sordid 
 gain : but methinks it should take off the strong 
 prepossession men have in favour of bold actions, 
 when they see upon what low motives men aspire to 
 them. Do but observe the common practice in the 
 government of those heroic bodies, our militia and 
 lieutenancies, the most antient corps of soldiers, 
 perhaps, in the universe ; I question, whether there 
 is one instance of an animosity between any two of 
 these illustrious sons of Mars since their institution, 
 which was decided by combat ? I remember, indeed, 
 
 * Venice, which declined engaging in the war of the Grand 
 Alliance in 1702. 
 
 f The state and discipline of the city train-bands at this 
 time was very justly a standing subject of ridicule to the wits.
 
 ^"28. TATLER. 20^ 
 
 to have read the chronicle of an accident which had 
 like to have occasioned bloodshed in the very field, 
 before all the general officers, though most of them 
 were justices of the peace. Captain Crabtree, of 
 Birchin-lane, haberdasher, had drawn a bill upon 
 major-general Maggot, cheesemonger, in Thames- 
 street. Crabtree draws this upon Mr. William Mag- 
 got and Company. A country lad received this 
 bill, and not understanding the word company, used 
 in drawing bills on men in partnership, carried it 
 to Mr. Jeffrey Stitch of Crooked-lane (lieutenant of 
 the major-general's company), whom he had the 
 day before seen march by the door in all the pomp 
 of his commission. The lieutenant accepts it, for 
 the honour of his company, since it hatl come to 
 him : but repayment being asked from the major- 
 general, he absolutely refuses. Upon this, the lieu- 
 tenant thinks of nothing less than to bring this to a 
 rupture, and takes for his second Tobias Armstrong, 
 of the Counter,* and sends him with a challenge 
 in a scrip of parchment, wherein was written, Stitch 
 contra Maggot ; and all the fury vanished in a mo- 
 ment. The major-general gives satisfaction to the 
 second, and all was well. 
 
 Hence it is, that the bold spirits of our city are 
 kept in such subjection to the civil power. Other- 
 wise, where would our liberties soon be, if wealth 
 and valour were suffered to exert themselves with 
 their utmost force ? If such officers as are employed 
 in the terrible bands above-mentioned were to draw 
 bills as well as swords, these dangerous Captains, 
 who could victual an army as well as lead it, would 
 be too powerful for the State ; but the point of honour 
 justly gives way to that of gain; and, by long and 
 wise regulation, the richest is the bravest man. I 
 have known a Captain rise to a Colonel in two days 
 
 * A bura-bailifi".
 
 206 TATLER. N'' 28. 
 
 by the fall of stocks; and a Major, my good friend, 
 near the Monument, ascended to that honour by the 
 fall of the price of spirits, and the rising of right 
 Nantz. By this true sense of honour, that body of 
 warriors are ever in good order and discipline, with 
 their colours and coats all whole : as in other bat- 
 talions (where their principles of action are less so- 
 lid) you see the men of service look like spectres, 
 with long sides and lank cheeks. In this army you 
 may measure a man's service by his waist, and the 
 most prominent belly is certainly the man who has 
 been most upon action. Besides all this, there is 
 another excellent remark to be made in the discipline 
 of these troops. It being of absolute necessity, that 
 the people of England should see what they have 
 for their money, and be eye-witnesses of the advan- 
 tages they gain by it, all battles which are fought 
 abroad are represented here. But, since one side 
 must be beaten, and the other conquer, which might 
 create disputes, the eldest company is always to 
 make the other run, and the younger retreats, ac- 
 cording to the last news and best intelligence. I 
 have myself seen Prince Eugene make Catinat fly 
 from the backside of Gray's-Inn-lane to Hockley in 
 the Hole, and not give over the pursuit until obliged 
 to leave the Bear-garden on the right, to avoid being 
 borne down by fencers, wild-bulls, and monsters, too 
 terrible for the encounter of any heroes, but such 
 whose lives are their livelihood. 
 
 We have here seen that wise nations do not admit 
 of fighting, even in the defence of their country, as 
 a laudable action ; and they live within the walls of 
 our own city in great honour and reputation without 
 it. It would be very necessary to understand, by 
 what force of the climate, food, education, or em- 
 ployment, one man's sense is brought to differ so es- 
 sentially from that of another ; that one is ridiculous 
 and contemptible for forbearing a thing which makes
 
 N" 28. TATLER. 207 
 
 for his safety ; and another applauded for consulting 
 his ruin and destruction. 
 
 It will therefore be necessary for us (to show our 
 travelling) to examine this subject fully, and tell you 
 how it comes to pass, that a man of honour in Spain, 
 though you offend him never so gallantly, stabs you 
 basely ; in England, though you offend him ever so 
 basely, challenges fairly : the former kills you out of 
 revenge, the latter out of good-breeding. But to 
 probe the heart of man in this particular to its utmost 
 thoughts and recesses, I must wait for the return of 
 Pacolet, who is now attending a gentleman lately in 
 a duel, and sometimes visits the person by whose 
 hands he received his wounds. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 13. 
 
 Letters from Vienna of the eighth instant say, 
 there has been a journal of the marches and actions 
 of the King of Sweden, from the beginning of Ja- 
 nuary to the eleventh of April, N. S. communicated 
 by the Swedish Ministers to that Court. These ad- 
 vices inform, that his Swedish Majesty entered the 
 territories of Muscovy in February last, with the 
 main body of his army, in order to oblige the enemy 
 to a general engagement; but that, the Muscovites 
 declining a battle, and an universal thaw having ren- 
 dered the rivers unpassable, the King returned into 
 Ukrania. There are mentioned several rencounters 
 between considerable detachments of the Swedish 
 and Kussian armies. Marshal Heister intended to 
 take his leave of the Court on the day after the date 
 of these letters, and put himself at the head of the 
 army in Hungary. The malcontents had attempted 
 to send in a supply of provision into Newhausel ; but 
 their design was disappointed by the Germans. 
 
 Advices from Berlin of the fifteenth instant, N. S. 
 say, that his Danish Majesty having received an in- 
 vitation from the King of Prussia to an interview,
 
 208 TATLER. N" 28. 
 
 designed to come to Potsdam within a few days, and 
 that King Augustus resolved to accompany him 
 thither. To avoid all difficulties in ceremony, the 
 three Kings, and all the company who shall have 
 the honour to sit with them at table, are to draw lots, 
 and take precedence accordingly. 
 
 They write from Hamburgh of the eighteenth in- 
 stant, N.S. that some particular letters from Dantzick 
 speak of a late action between the Swedes and Mus- 
 covites near Jerislaw; but that engagement being 
 mentioned from no other place, there is not much 
 credit given to this intelligence. 
 
 We hear from Brussels by letters dated the twen- 
 tieth, that on the fourteenth, in the evening, the Duke 
 of Marlborough and Prince Eugene arrived at Cour- 
 tray, with a design to proceed the day following to 
 Lisle, in the neighbourhood of which city the confe- 
 derate army was to rendezvous the same day. Ad- 
 vices from Paris inform us, that the Marshal de 
 Bezons is appointed to command in Dauphine, and 
 that the Duke of Berwick is set out for Spain, with 
 a design to follow the fortunes of the Duke of Anjou, 
 in case the French King should comply with the late 
 demands of the allies. 
 
 The Court of France has sent a circular letter to 
 ail the governors of the provinces, to recommend to 
 their consideration his Majesty's late conduct in the 
 atiair of peace. It is thought fit, in that epistle, to 
 condescend to a certain appeal to the people, whe- 
 ther it is consistent with the dignity of the Crown, 
 or the French name, to submit to the preliminaries 
 demanded by the confederates ? That letter dwells 
 upon the unreasonableness of the allies, in requiring 
 his Majesty's assistance in dethroning his grandson ; 
 and treats this particular in language more suitable 
 to it, as it is a topic of oratory, than a real circum- 
 stance, on which the interests of nations, and reasons 
 of State which affect all Europe, are concerned.
 
 N° -29, TATLER. 209 
 
 The close of this memorial seems to prepare the 
 people to expect ail events, attributing the confidence 
 of the enemy to the goodness of their troops ; but 
 acknowleding that his sole dependence is upon the 
 intervention of Providence. 
 
 N° 29. THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 8G. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 14. 
 
 Having a very solid respect for human nature, 
 however it is distorted from its natural make by af- 
 fectation, humour, custom, misfortune, or vice, I do 
 apply myself to my friends, to help me in raising- 
 arguments for preserving it, in all its individuals, as 
 long as it is permitted. To one of my letters on this 
 subject I have received the following answer : 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 " In answer to your question, Why men of sense, 
 virtue, and experience, are seen still to comply with 
 that ridiculous custom of duelling ? I must desire 
 you to reflect, that custom lias dished up in ruffs the 
 wisest heads of our ancestors, and put the best of 
 the present age into huge falbala periwigs. Men of 
 sense would not impose such incumbrances on them- 
 selves, but be glad they might show their faces de- 
 cently in public upon easier terms. If then ^uch 
 men appear reasonably slaves to the fashion, in what 
 regards the figure of their persons, we ought not to 
 
 t3
 
 210 TATLER. N° 29. 
 
 wonder, that they are at least so in what seems to 
 touch their reputations. Besides, you cannot be 
 ignorant, that dress and chivalry have been always 
 encouraged by the ladies, as the two principal 
 branches of gallantry. It is to avoid being sneered 
 at for his singularity, and from a desire to appear 
 more agreeable to his mistress, that a wise, expe- 
 rienced, and polite man complies with the dress 
 commonly received, and is prevailed upon to violate 
 his reason and principles, in hazarding his life and 
 estate by a tilt, as well as suffering his pleasures to 
 be constrained and soured by the constant appre- 
 hension of a cpiarrel. This is the more surprising, 
 because men of the most delicate sense and prin- 
 ciples have naturally in other cases a particular re- 
 pugnance in accommodating themselves to the 
 maxims of the world : but one may easily distinguish 
 the man. that is aftected with beauty, and the repu- 
 tation of a tilt, from him who complies with both, 
 merely as they are imposed upon him by custom ; 
 for, in the former you will remark an air of vanity 
 and triumph ; whereas, when the latter appears in a 
 long Duvillier* full of pov/der, or has decided a 
 quarrel by the sword, you may perceive in his face, 
 that he appeals to custom for an excuse. I think it 
 may not be improper to inquire into the genealogy of 
 this chimerical monster called a Duel, which I take 
 to be an illegitimate species of the ancient knight- 
 errantry. By the laws of this whim, the herpic per- 
 son, or man of gallantry, y/as indispensably obliged 
 to starve in armour a certain number of years. in the 
 chace of monsters, encounter them at the peril of his 
 life, and suifer great hardships, in order to gain the 
 affection of the fair lady, and qualify himself for 
 amusing the belle air; that is, of a pretty fellow, or 
 man of honour, according to the fashion ; but, since 
 
 * A kind of wig so called.
 
 N"29. TATLER. 211 
 
 the publishing of Don Quixote, and extinctiiin of 
 the race of dragons, which Seutonius says happened 
 in that of Wantley,* the gallant and heroic spirits of 
 these latter times have been under the necessity of 
 creating new chimerical monsters to entertain them- 
 selves with, by way of single combat, as the only 
 proofs they are able to give their own sex, and the 
 ladies, that they are in all points men of nice honour. 
 But, to do justice to the antient and real monsters, 
 I must observe, that they never molested those who 
 were not of a humour to hunt for them in woods and 
 deserts; whereas, on the contrary, our modern mon- 
 sters are so familiarly admitted and entertained in 
 all the courts and cities of Europe (except France), 
 that one can scarcely be in the most humanized so- 
 ciety without risking one's life ; the people of the 
 best sort, and the fine gentlemen of the age, being so 
 fond of them, that they seldom appear in any public 
 place without one, I have some further considera- 
 tions upon this subject, which, as you encourage 
 me, shall be communicated to you by, Sir, a cousin 
 but one remove from the best family of the Staffs ; 
 namely, Sir, your humble servant, kinsman, and 
 friend, " TiM Switch," 
 
 It is certain that Mr, Switch has hit upon the 
 true source of this evil ; and that it proceeds only 
 from the force of custom, that we contradict our- 
 selves in half the particulars and occurrences of life. 
 But such a tyranny in love, wlijch the fair impose 
 upon us, is a little too severe; that we must demon- 
 strate our affection for them by no certain proof but 
 hatred to one another, or come at them (only as on& 
 does at an estate) by survivorship. This way of ap- 
 plication to gain a lady's heart is taking her, as we do 
 
 * In humourous writings one may be led to search lor 
 quotations no where to be found in the authors referred to, as 
 appears from this passage.
 
 212 TATLER. S" 29. 
 
 towns and castles, by distressing the place, and let- 
 ting none come near them without our pass. Were 
 such a lover once to write the truth of his heart, 
 and let her know his whole thoughts, he would ap- 
 pear indeed to have a passion for her ; but it would 
 hardly be called love. The billet-doux would run 
 to this purpose : 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 " I have so tender a regard for you and your in- 
 terests, that I will knock any man on the head 
 whom I observe to be of my mind, and like you. 
 Mr. Trueman, the other day, looked at you in so lan- 
 guishing a manner, that I am resolved to run him 
 through to-morrow morning. This, I think, he de- 
 serves, for his guilt in admiring you : than which I 
 cannot have a greater reason for murdering him, ex- 
 cept it be that you also approve him. Whoever 
 says, he dies for you, I will make his words good ; 
 for I will kill him. I am. Madam, your most obe- 
 dient humble servant." 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 14. 
 
 I am just come hither at ten at night, and have 
 ever since six been in the most celebrated, though 
 most nauseous company in town : the two leaders 
 of the society were a Critic and a Wit. These two 
 gentlemen are great opponents on all occasions ; not 
 discerning that they are nearest each other in tem- 
 per and talents of any two classes of men in the 
 world; for, to profess judgment, and to profess 
 wit, both arise from the same failure ; which is 
 want of judgment. The poverty of the Critic this 
 way proceeds from the abuse of his faculty ; that of 
 the Wit, from the neglect of it. It is a particular ob- 
 servation I have always made, that of all mortals a 
 Critic is the silliest; for, by inuring himself to 
 examine all things, whether they are of consequence
 
 N' 29. TATLBR. 213 
 
 or not, lie never looks upon any thing but with a 
 design of passing sentence upon it; by which means 
 he is never a companion, but always a censor. This 
 makes him earnest upon trifles, and dispute on the 
 most indifferent occasions with vehemence. If he 
 offers to speak or write, that talent which should ap- 
 prove the work of the other faculties prevents their 
 operation. He comes upon action in armour, but 
 without weapons ; he stands in safety, but can gain 
 no glory. The Wit, on the other hand, has been 
 hurried so long away by imagination only, that 
 judgment seems not to have even been one of bis na- 
 tural faculties. This gentleman takes himself to be 
 as much obliged to be merry, as the other to be 
 grave. A thorough Critic is a sort of Puritan in the 
 polite world. As an enthusiast in religion stumbles 
 at the ordinary occurrences of life, if he cannot quote 
 Scripture examples on the occasion ; so the Critic is 
 never safe in his speech or writing, without he has, 
 among the celebrated writers, an authority for the 
 truth of his sentence. You will believe we had a 
 very good time with these brethren, who were so far 
 out of the dress of their native country, and so lost 
 in its dialect, that they were as much strangers to 
 themselves, as to their relation to each other. They 
 took up the whole discourse : sometimes the Critic 
 grew passionate; and when reprimanded by the W it 
 for any trip or hesitation in his voice, lij would an- 
 swer, " Mr. Dryden makes such a character, on such 
 an occasion, break otf in the same manner; so that 
 the stop was according to nature, and as a man in a 
 passion should do." The Wit, who is as far gone in 
 letters as himself, seems to be at a loss to answer 
 such an apology ; and concludes only that though 
 his anger is justly vente«l, it wants fire in the utter- 
 ance. If wit is to be measured by the circumstances 
 of time and place, there is no man has generally 
 so little of that talent as he who is a Wit by profes-
 
 214 TATLER. N° 29. 
 
 sion. What he says, instead of arising from the oc- 
 casion, has an occasion invented to bring it in. Thus 
 he is new for no other reason, but that he talks like 
 nobody else : but has taken up a method for his own, 
 without commerce of dialogue with other people. 
 The lively Jasper Dactyle is one of this character. 
 He seems to have made a vow to be witty to his 
 life's end. When you meet him, "What do you 
 think," says he, " 1 have been entertaining myself 
 with ?" Then out comes a premeditated turn ; to 
 which it is to no purpose to answer, for he goes on in 
 the same strain of thought he designed without your 
 speaking. Therefore I have a general answer to all 
 he can say ; as, " Sure there never was any creature 
 had so much fire !" Spondee, who is a critic, is sel- 
 dom out of this fire man's company. They have no 
 manner of affection for each other, but keep together 
 like Novel and Oldfox in the Plain Dealer, because 
 they show each other. I know several men of sense 
 who can be diverted with this couple ; but I see no 
 curiosity in the thing ; except it be, that Spondee is 
 dull, and seems dull ; but Dactyle is heavy with a 
 brisk face. It must be owned also, that Dactyle 
 has almost vigour enough to be a coxcomb ; but 
 Spondee, by the lowness of his constitution, is only 
 a blockhead. 
 
 St. James s Coffee-house, June 15. 
 
 We have no particulars of moment since onr last ; 
 except it be, that the copy of the following original 
 letter came by the way of Ostend. It is said to have 
 been found in the closet of Monsieur Chamillard, 
 the late secretary of state of France, since his dis- 
 grace. It was signed by two brothers of the famous 
 Cavallier*, who led the Cevennois, and had a per- 
 
 * James Cavallier was the celebrated leader of the French 
 Protestants in the Cevennes, when they opposed the tyranny 
 of Lewis XIV.
 
 N"* 29. TATLEK. 215 
 
 sonal interview with the king, as well as a capitula- 
 tion to lay down his arms, and leave the dominions 
 of France. There are many other names to it; 
 among whom is the chief of the family of the mar- 
 quis Guiscard. It is not yet known whether Mon- 
 sieur Chamillard had any real design to favour the 
 Protestant interest, or only thought to place himself 
 at the head of the people, to make him considerable 
 enough to oppose his enemies at court, and reinstate 
 himself in power there. 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 "We have read your Majesty's letter to the go- 
 vernors of your provinces, with instructions what 
 sentiments to insinuate into the minds of your peo- 
 ple : but as you have always acted upon the maxim, 
 that we were made for you, and not you for us, we 
 must take leave to assure your Majesty, that we are 
 exactly of the contrary opinion ; and must desire 
 you to send for your grandson home, and acquaint 
 him, that you now know, by experience, absolute 
 power is only a vertigo in the brain of princes, which 
 for a time may quicken their motion, and double in 
 their diseased sight the instances of power above 
 them; but must end at last in their fall and destruc- 
 tion. Your memorial speaks you a good father of 
 your family, but a very ill one of your people. Your 
 Majesty is reduced to hear truth, when you are 
 obliged to speak it. There is no governing any but 
 savages by other methods than their own consent ; 
 which you seem to acknowledge, in appealing to us 
 for our opinion of your conduct in treating of peace. 
 Had your people been always of your council, the 
 king of France had never been reduced so low as to 
 acknowledge his arms were fallen into contempt. 
 But since it is thus, we must ask, how is any man of 
 France, butthey of the bouse of Bourbon, the better.
 
 216 TATLER. N" 30 
 
 that Philip is king of Spain? We have outgrown 
 that tolly, of placing our happiness in your Majesty's 
 being" called, The Great. Therefore you and we are 
 ail alike bankrupts, and undone; let us not deceive 
 ourselves, but compound with our adversaries, and 
 not talk like their equals. Your Majesty must for- 
 give us, that we cannot wish you success, or lend 
 you help; for, if you lose one battle more, we may 
 have a hand in the peace you make; and doubt not 
 but your Majesty's faith in treaties will require the 
 ratification of the States of your kingdom. So we 
 bid you heartily farewell, until we have the honour 
 to meet you assembled in parliament. This happy 
 expectation makes us willing to wait the event of 
 another campaign ; from whence we hope to be raised 
 from the misery of slaves, to the privileges of sub- 
 jects. We are your Majesty's truly faithful and 
 loyal subjects, &c. 
 
 N" 30. SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 1700. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines — — 
 
 nostri est farrago lihellL 
 
 Juv. Sat. J. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my oicn Apartment, June 16. 
 
 The vigilance, the anxiety, the tenderness, which I 
 have for the good people of England, I am persua- 
 ded, will in time be much commended; but I doubt 
 whether they will be ever rewarded. However, I 
 must go on cheerfully in my work of reformation : 
 that being my great design, 1 am studious to prevent 
 my labour's increasing upon me; therefore am parti- 
 cularly observant of tlie temper and inclinations of
 
 N" 29. TATLER. 217 
 
 childhood and youth, that we may not give vice and 
 folly supplies from the growing generation. It is 
 hardly to be imagined how useful this study is, and 
 what great evils or benefit arise from putting us in 
 our tender years to what we are fit or unfit ; there- 
 fore on Tuesday last (with a design to sound their 
 inclinations) I took three lads, who are under my 
 guardianship, a-rambling, in a hackney-coach, to 
 show them the town; as the lions, the tombs, Bed- 
 lam, and the other places which are entertainments 
 to raw minds, because they strike forcibly on the 
 fancy. The boys are brothers, one of sixteen, the 
 other of fourteen, the other of twelve. The first was 
 his father's darling, the second his mother's, and the 
 third mine, who am their uncle. Mr. William is a 
 lad of true genius ; but, being at the upper end of a 
 great school, and having all the boys below him, his 
 arrogance is insupportable. If I begin to show a 
 little of my Latin, he immediately interrupts : '* Uncle, 
 under favour, that which you say is not understood 
 in that manner." "Brother," says my boy Jack, 
 "you do not show your manners much in contradict- 
 ing my uncle Isaac! " "You queer cur," says Mr. 
 William, "do you think my uncle takes any notice 
 of such a dull rogue as you are?" Mr. William goes 
 on, " He is most stupid of all my mother's children : 
 he knows nothing of his book : when he should mind 
 that, he is hiding or hoarding his taws and marbles, 
 or laying up farthings. His way of thinking is, four 
 and twenty farthings make six-pence, and two six- 
 pences a shilling; two shillings and sixpence half a 
 crown, and two half crowns five shillings. So with- 
 in these two months the close hunks has. scraped up 
 twenty shillings, and we will make him spend it all 
 before he comes home." Jack immediately claps 
 his hands in both pockets, and turns as pale as 
 ashes. There is nothing touches a parent (and such 
 I am to Jack) so nearly as provident conduct. This 
 VOL I. U
 
 218 TATLER. N" 30. 
 
 lad has in him the true temper for a good husband, 
 a kind father, and an honest executor. All the 
 great people, you see make considerable figures on 
 the exchange, in court, and sometimes in senates, 
 are such as in reality have no greater faculty than 
 what may be called human instinct, which is a natu- 
 ral tendency to their own preservation, and that of 
 their friends, without being capable of striking out of 
 the road for adventures. There is Sir William Scrip 
 was of this sort of capacity from his childhood ; he 
 has bought the country round him, and makes a bar- 
 gain better than Sir Harry Wildfire, with all his wit 
 and humour. Sir Harry never wants money but he 
 comes to Scrip, laughs at him half an hour, and then 
 gives bond for the other thousand. The close men 
 are incapable of placing merit any where but in their 
 pence, and therefore gain it: while others, who have 
 larger capacity, are diverted from the pursuit by en- 
 joyments which can be supported only by that cash 
 which they despise ; and therefore are in the end 
 slaves to their inferiors, both in fortune and under- 
 standing, I once heard a man of excellent sense ob- 
 serve, that more affairs in the world failed by being 
 in the hands of men of too large capacities for their 
 business, than by being in the conduct of such as 
 wanted abilities to execute them. Jack therefore, 
 being of a plodding make, shall be a citizen: and I 
 design him to be the refuge of the family in their dis- 
 tress, as well as their jest in prosperity. His bro- 
 ther Will shall go to Oxford with all speed; where, 
 if he does not arrive at being a man of sense, be will 
 soon be informed wherein he is a coxcomb. There 
 is in that place such a true spirit of raillery and 
 humour, that if they cannot make you a wise man, 
 they will certainly let you know you are a fool; 
 which is all ray cousin wants, to cease to be so. 
 Thus having taken these two out of the way, I have 
 leisure to look at my third lad. I observe in the
 
 N" 30. TATLER. 210 
 
 young rogue a natural subtlety of mind, which dis- 
 covers itself rather in forbearing to declare his thoughts 
 on any occasion, than in any visible way of exerting 
 himself in discourse. For which reason I will place 
 him where, if he commits no faults, he may go far- 
 ther than those in other stations, though they excel 
 in virtues. The boy is well-fashioned, and will easily 
 fall into a graceful manner; wherefore, I have a 
 design to make him a page to a great lady of my 
 acquaintance; by which means he will be well skil- 
 led in the common modes of life ; and make a greater 
 progress in the world by that knowledge, than with 
 the greatest qualities without it. A good mien 
 in a court, will carry a man greater lengths than a 
 good understanding in any other place. We see a 
 world of pains taken, and the best years of life spent, 
 in collecting a set of thoughts in a college for the 
 conduct of life ; and, after all, the man so qualified 
 shall hesitate in his speech to a good suit of cloaths, 
 and want common sense before an agreeable woman. 
 Hence it is, that wisdom, valour, justice, and learn- 
 ing cannot keep a man in countenance that is pos- 
 sessed with these excellences, if he wants that in- 
 ferior art of life and behaviour, called good-breeding. 
 A man endowed with great perfections, without this, 
 is like one who has his pockets full of gold, but al- 
 ways wants change for his ordinary occasions. 
 
 Will Courtly is a living instance of this truth, and 
 has had the same education which I am giving my 
 nephew. He never spoke a thing but what was 
 said before, and yet can converse with the wittiest 
 men without being ridiculous. Among the learned, 
 he does not appear ignorant, nor with the wise, in- 
 discreet. Living in conversation from his infancy, 
 makes him nowhere at a loss ; and a long familiarity 
 with the persons of men is, in a manner, of the same 
 service to him, as if he knew their arts. As ceremony 
 is the invention of wise men, to keep fools at a dis-
 
 220 TATLER. N" 30, 
 
 tance ; so good-breeding: is an expedient to make 
 fools and wise men equals. 
 
 Wilfs Coffee-house, June 17. 
 
 The suspension of the playhouse has made me 
 have nothing- to send you iVom hence ; but, calling 
 here this evening, I found the party I usually sit 
 with, upon the business of writing, and examining 
 what was the handsomest style in which to address 
 wo'men, and to write letters of gallantry. Many were 
 the opinions which were immediately declared on 
 this subject. Some were for a certain softness; 
 something inexpressibly tender. When it came to 
 me, I said there was no rule in the world to be made 
 for writing letters, but that of being as near what 
 you would speak face to face, as you can ; which is so 
 great a truth, that I am of opinion, writing has lost 
 more mistresses than any one mistake in the whole 
 legend of love. For, when you write to a lady for 
 whom you have a solid and honourable passion, the 
 great idea you have of her, joined to a quick sense 
 of her absence, fills your mind with a sort of ten- 
 derness, that gives your language too much the air 
 of complaint, which is seldom successful. For a 
 man may flatter himself as he pleases ; but he will 
 find that the women have more understanding in 
 their own aft'airs than we have ; and women of spirit 
 are not to be won by mourners. He that can keep 
 handsomely within rules, and support the carriage 
 of a companion to his mistress, is much more likely 
 to prevail, than he who lets her see that the whole relish 
 of his life depends upon her. If possible, therefore, 
 divert your mistress, rather than sigh for her. The 
 pleasant man she will desire for her own sake; but 
 the languishing lover has nothing to hope for, but 
 her pity. To show the difference, I produce two 
 letters a lady gave me, which had been writ by two 
 gentlemen who pretended to her, but were both killed
 
 N" 30. TATLER. 221 
 
 the next day after the date, at the battle of Almanza. 
 One of them was a mercurial, gay-humoured man ; 
 the other, a man of a serious, but a great and gallant 
 spirit. Poor Jack Careless ! this is his letter : you 
 see how it is folded : the air of it is so negligent, 
 one might have read half of it by peeping into it, 
 without breaking it open. He had no exactness. 
 
 "Madam, 
 "It is a very pleasant circumstance I am in, that 
 while I should be thinking of the good company we 
 are to meet with in a day or two, where we shall go 
 to loggerheads, my thoughts are running upon a fair 
 enemy in England. I was in hopes I had left you 
 there; but you follow the camp, though I have en- 
 deavoured to make some of our leagner ladies'' drive 
 you out of the field. All my comfort is, you are 
 more troublesome to my colonel than myself: I per- 
 mit you to visit me only now and then ; but he down- 
 right keeps you. I laugh at his honour, as far as 
 his gravity will allow me : but 1 know him to be a 
 man of too much merit to succeed with a wonian. 
 Therefore defend your heart as well as you can : I 
 shall come home this winter irresistibly dressed, and 
 with quite a new foreign air. And so I had like to 
 say, I rest; but, alas! I remain, madam, your most 
 obedient, most humble servant, 
 
 "John Careless." 
 
 Now for Colonel Constant's epistle; you see it is 
 folded and directed with the utmost care : 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 "I do myself the honour to write to you this even- 
 ing, because I believe to-morrow will be the day of 
 battle ; and something forbodes in my breast that I 
 shall fall in it. If it prove so, I hope you will hear 
 
 * Women who accompany the army. 
 V 3
 
 222 TATLER. N" 30. 
 
 I have done nothing below a man who had the love 
 of his country, quickened by a passion for a woman 
 of honour. If there be any thing noble in going to 
 a certain death ; if there be any merit, that I meet it 
 with pleasure, by promising myself a place in your 
 esteem ; if your applause, when I am no more, is 
 preferable to the most glorious life without you : I 
 say, madam, if any of these considerations can have 
 weight with you, you will give me a kind place in 
 your memory, which I prefer to the glory of Ceesar. 
 I hope this will be read, as it is writ, with tears." 
 
 The beloved lady is a woman of a sensible mind ; 
 but she has confessed to me, that after all her true 
 and solid value for Constant, she had much more 
 concern for the loss of Careless. These noble and 
 serious spirits have something equal to the adver- 
 sities they meet with, and consequently lessen the 
 objects of pity. Great accidents seem not cut out 
 so much for men of familiar characters, which makes 
 them more easily pitied, and soon after beloved. 
 Add to this, that the sort of love which generally 
 succeeds, is a stranger to awe and distance. I asked 
 Homana, whether of the two she should have chosen, 
 had they survived ? She said, she knew she ought 
 to have taken Constant; but believed she should 
 have chosen Careless. 
 
 St. James' s Coffee-house, June 17. 
 
 Letters from Lisbon, of the ninth instant, N. S. 
 say, that the enemy's army, having blocked up 
 Oiivenza, was posted on the Guardians. The Por- 
 tuguese are very apprehensive that the garrison of 
 that place, though it consists of five of the best 
 regiments of their army, will be obliged to surren- 
 der, if not timely relieved ; they not being supplied 
 with provisions for more than six weeks. Here- 
 upon their generals held a council of war on the 
 fourth instant, wherein it was concluded to advance
 
 N" 31. TATLER. 223 
 
 towards Badajos. With this design, the army de- 
 camped on the fifth from Jerumena, and marched 
 to Cancaon. It is hoped, that if the enemy follow 
 their motions, they may have opportunity to put a. 
 sufficient quantity of provision and ammunition into 
 Olivenza. 
 
 *^* Mr Bickerstaft gives notice to all persons that 
 dress themselves as they please, without regard to 
 decorum (as with blue and red stockings in mourning, 
 tucked cravats, and night-cap wigs, before people 
 of the first quality), that he has yet received no fine 
 for indulging them in that liberty ; and that he ex- 
 pects their compliance with this demand, or that 
 they go home immediately and shift themselves. 
 This is further to acquaint the town, that the report 
 of the hosiers, toymen, and milliners, having com- 
 pounded with Mr. Bickerstaff for tolerating such 
 enormities, is utterly false and scandalous. 
 
 N° 31. TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nosti'i est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes tor its theme. P. 
 
 Grecian Coffee-house, June 18. 
 
 In my dissertation against the custom of single 
 combat, it has been objected, that there is not learn- 
 ing, or much reading shown therein, which is the 
 very life and soul of all treatises : for which reason, 
 being always easy to receive admonitions and reform 
 my errors, I thought fit to consult this learned board 
 on the subject. Upon proposing some doubts, and
 
 2124 TATLER. N" 31. 
 
 desiring their assistance, a very hopeful good gen- 
 tleman, my relation, who is to be called to the bar 
 within a year and a half at farthest, told me, that 
 he had ever since I first mentioned duelling turned 
 his head that way ; and that he was principally 
 moved thereto, because he designed to follow the 
 circuits in the north of England and south of Scot- 
 land, and to reside mostly at his own estate at 
 Landbadernawz* in Cardiganshire. The northern 
 Britons and the southern Scots are a warm people, 
 and the Welsh " a nation of gentlemen ;" so that 
 it behoved him to understand well the science of 
 quarrelling. The young gentleman proceeded ad- 
 mirably well, and gave the board an account that 
 he had read " Fitzherbert'sf Grand Abridgement," 
 and had found that duelling is a very antient part of 
 the law ; for when a man is sued, be it for his life 
 or his land, the person that joins the issue, whe- 
 ther plaintift' or defendant, may put the trial upon 
 the duel. Further, he argued, under favour of the 
 Court, that v/hen the issue is joined by the duel, in 
 treason, or other capital crimes, the party accused and 
 the accuser must fight in their own proper persons : 
 but if the dispute be for lands, you may hire a 
 champion at Hockley in the Hole, or any where 
 else. This part of the law we had from the Saxons ; 
 and they had it, as also the trial by ordeal, from 
 the Laplanders. It is indeed agreed, said he, the 
 southern and eastern nations never knew any thing 
 of it ; for though the antient Homans would scold 
 and call names filthily, yet there is not an example 
 of a challenge that ever passed among them. 
 
 His quoting the eastern nations put another gen- 
 tleman in mind of an account he had from a boat- 
 
 * There is no such place. It is probable Llanbadern Vaivr 
 in Cardiganshire is intended. 
 
 t A book published under this title in 151G, by Anthony 
 Fitzherbert, one of the judges in tlie reign of Henry VIII. 
 This author died in 1.538.
 
 N° 31. TATLER. 225 
 
 swain of an East-Indiaman ; which was, that a 
 Chinese had tricked and bubbled him, and that when 
 he came to demand satisfaction the next morning, 
 and like a true tar of honour called him a son of 
 a whore, liar, dog, and other rough appellatives, 
 used by persons conversant with winds and waves, 
 the Chinese, with great tranquillity, desired him 
 " not to come abroad fasting, nor put himself into 
 a heat, for it would prejudice his health." Thus the 
 East knows nothing of this gallantry. 
 
 There sat at the left of the table a person of ve- 
 nerable aspect, who asserted, that " half the im- 
 positions which are put upon these ages have been 
 transmitted by writers who have given too great 
 pomp and magnificence to the exploits of the antient 
 bear-garden, and made their gladiators, by fabulous 
 tradition, greater than Gorman* and others of Great 
 Britain." He informed the company that " he had 
 searched authorities for what he said, and that a 
 learned antiquary, Humphrey Scarecrow, Esquire, 
 of Hockley in the Hole, recorder to the bear-garden, 
 was then writing a discourse on the subject. It ap- 
 pears by the best accounts," says this gentleman, 
 " that the high names which are used among us with 
 so great veneration, were no other than stage-fighters, 
 and worthies of the antient bear-garden. The re- 
 nowned Hercules always carried a quarter-staff, and 
 was from thence called Claviger*. A learned chro- 
 nologist is about proving what wood this staft was 
 made of; whether oak, ash, or crab-tree. The first 
 trial of skill he ever performed was with one Cacus, 
 a deer-stealer ; the next was with Typhonus, a giant 
 of forty feet, four inches. Indeed it was unhappily 
 recorded, that meeting at last with a sailor's wife, 
 
 * Gorman is mentioned in the epilogue to Lansdowne's 
 "Jew of Venice," and is there explained to have been a 
 prize-fighter. 
 
 » " Club-bearer."
 
 220 TATLER. M°3I. 
 
 she made his staff of prowess serve her own use, 
 and dwindle away to a distaff: she clapped him on 
 an old tar jacket of her husband; so that this great 
 hero drooped like a scabbed sheep. Him his con- 
 temporary Theseus succeeded in the bear-garden, 
 which honour he held for many years. This grand 
 duellist went to Hell, and was the only one of that 
 sort that ever came back again. As for Achilles 
 and Hector (as the ballads of those times mention), 
 they were pretty smart fellows : they fought at sword 
 and buckler ; but the former had much the better of 
 it ; his mother, who was an oyster-woman, having 
 got a blacksmith of Lemnos to make her son's wea- 
 pons. There is a pair of trusty Trojans in a song of 
 Virgil, that were famous for handling their gauntlets. 
 Dares and Entellus ; and indeed it does appear, 
 they fought no sham-prize." 
 
 The Roman bear-garden was abundantly more 
 magnificent than any thing Greece could boast of; 
 it flourished most under those delights of mankind, 
 IVero and Domitian. At one time it is recorded, 
 four hundred senators entered the list, and thought 
 it an honour to be cudgelled and quarterstaffed. I ob- 
 serve the Lanista; were the people chiefly employed ; 
 which makes me imagine our Bear-garden copied 
 much after this, the butchers being the greatest 
 men in it. 
 
 Thus far the glory and honour of the bear-garden 
 stood secure ; until fate, that irresistible ruler of 
 sublunary things, in that universal ruin of arts, and 
 politer learning, by those savage people, the Goths 
 and Vandals, destroyed and levelled it to the ground. 
 Then fell the grandeur and bravery of the Roman 
 state ; until at last the warlike genius (but accom- 
 panied with more courtesy) revived in the Christian 
 world imder those puissant champions. Saint George, 
 Saint Dennis, and other dignified heroes : one killed 
 his dragon, another his lion, and were all afterwards
 
 N" 31. TATLER. 2-27 
 
 canonized for it, having red letters* before them to 
 illustrate their martial temper. The Spanish nation, 
 it must be owned, were devoted to gallantry and 
 chivalry above the rest of the world. What a great 
 figure does that great name, Don Quixote, make in 
 history ! How shines this glorious star in the western 
 world ! O renowned hero ! O mirror of knighthood ! 
 
 Thy brandish'd whinyard all the world defies, 
 And kills as sure as Del Toboso's eyes. 
 
 I am forced to break off abruptly ; being sent for 
 in haste with my rule, to measure the degree of an 
 affront, before the two gentlemen (who are now in 
 their breeches and pumps, ready to engage behind 
 Montague-house) have made a pass. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 18. 
 
 It is an unreasonable objection, I find, against 
 my labours, that my stock is not all my own, and, 
 therefore, the kind of reception I have met with, is 
 not so deserved as it ought to be. But I hope, 
 though it be never so true that I am obliged to my 
 friends for laying their cash in my hands ; since I 
 give it them again when they please, and leave tliem 
 at their liberty to call it home, it will not hurt me 
 with my gentle readers. Ask all the merchants 
 who act upon consignments, where is the necessity 
 (if they answer readily what their correspondents 
 draw) of their being wealthy themselves ? Ask the 
 greatest bankers, if all the men they deal with were 
 to draw at once, what would be the consequence ? 
 But indeed a country friend has writ me a letter 
 which gives me a great mortification ; wherein I 
 find I am so far from expecting a supply from thence, 
 that some have not heard of me, and the rest do not 
 understand me : his epistle is as follows : 
 
 * An allusion to the rubricks in the Roman missals.
 
 228 TATLER. N» 31. 
 
 "Dear Cousin, 
 
 " I thought, when 1 left the town, to have raised 
 your fame here, and helped you to support it by 
 intelligence from hence ; but, alas ! they had never 
 heard of the Tatler until I brought down a set. I 
 lent it from house to house ; but they asked me 
 what they meant. I began to enlighten them by 
 telling who and who were supposed to be intended 
 by the characters drawn : I said, for instance, Chloe 
 and Clarissa are two eminent toasts. A gentleman, 
 who keeps his greyhound and gun, and one would 
 think might know better, told me, he supposed they 
 were Papishes ; for their names were not English. 
 * Then,' said he, ' why do you call live people 
 toasts?' I answered, ' That was a new name, found 
 out by the wits, to make the lady have the same effect, 
 as burridge in the glass when a man is drinking. 
 But,' says I, ' Sir, I perceive this to you is all batn- 
 boozling ; why, you look as if you were Don Diegoi'd 
 to the tune of a thousand pounds.' All this good 
 language was lost upon him : he only stared, though 
 he is as good a scholar as any layman in the town, 
 except the barber. Thus, cousin, you must be 
 content with London for the centre of your wealth 
 and fame ; we have no relish for you. Wit must 
 describe its proper circumference, and not go beyond 
 it ; lest, like little boys when they straggle out of 
 their own parish, it may wander to places where it 
 is not known, and be lost. Since it is so, you must 
 excuse me, that I am forced at a visit to sit sUent, 
 and only lay up what excellent things pass at such 
 conversations. 
 
 " This evening I was with a couple of young 
 ladies ; one of them has the character of the pret- 
 tiest company, yet really I thought her but silly ; 
 the other, who talked a great deal less, I observed 
 to have understanding. The lady, who is reckoned 
 such a companion among her acquaintance, has
 
 N^SJ. TATLER, 229 
 
 only, with a very brisk air, a knack of" saying the 
 commonest things ; the other, with a sly serious 
 one, says home things enough. The first, mistress 
 Giddy, is very quick ; but the second, mistress 
 Slim, fell into Giddy's own style, and was as good 
 company as she. Giddy happens to drop her glove ; 
 Slim reaches it to her. * Madam,' says Giddy, * I 
 hope you will have a better office.' Upon which 
 Slim immediately repartees, and sits in her lap, and 
 cries, 'Are you not sorry for my heaviness ?' The 
 sly wench pleased me, to see how she hit her height 
 of understanding so well. We sat down to dinner. 
 Says Giddy, mighty prettily, ' Two hands in a dish, 
 and one in a purse.' Says Slim, ' Ay, madam, the 
 more the merrier; but the fewer the better cheer.' 
 I quickly took the hint, and was as witty and talk- 
 ative as they. Says I, 
 
 " He that will not when he may, 
 " When he will, he shall have nay ;" 
 
 and so helped myself. Giddy turns about ; ' What, 
 have you found your tongue?' * Yes,' says I, ' it is 
 manners to speak when I am spoken to ; but your 
 greatest talkers are the least doers, and the still sow 
 eats up all the broth.' ' Ha ! ha !' says Giddy, ' one 
 would think he had nothing in him ; and do you 
 hear how he talks, when he pleases 1' I grew im- 
 mediately roguish and pleasant to a degree, in the 
 same strain. Slim, who knew how good company 
 we had been, cries, ' You will certainly print this 
 bright conversation.' 
 
 " It is so ; and hereby you may see how small an 
 appearance the prettiest things said in company 
 make, when in print." 
 
 St. Jameses Coffee-house, May 20. 
 
 A mail from Lisbon has brought advices, of June 
 the twelfth, from the king of Portugal's army en- 
 camped at Torre AUegada, which informs us, that 
 
 VOL. I. X
 
 •230 TATLER. N" 31'. 
 
 the general of the army called a court martial on the 
 fourth at the camp of Jerumen, where it was re- 
 solved to march with a design to attempt the succour 
 of Olivenza. Accordingly the army moved on the 
 fifth, and marched towards Badajos. Upon their 
 approach, the Marquis de Bay detached so great 
 a party from the blockade of Olivensa, that the 
 Marquis das Minas, at the head of a large detach- 
 ment, covered a great convoy of provisions towards 
 Olivenza, which threw in their stores, and marched 
 back to their army without molestation from the 
 Spaniards. They add, that each army must neces- 
 sarily march into quarters within twenty days. 
 
 *^* Whosoever can discover a surgeon's apprentice 
 who fell upon Mr. Bickerstaff 's messenger, or (as 
 the printers call him) Devil, going to the press, and 
 tore out of his hand part of his Essay against Duels, 
 in the fragments of which were the words, ' you lie,' 
 and ' man of honour,' taken up at the Temple-gate; 
 and the words, ' perhaps' — ' may be not,' — ' by your 
 leave, Sir,' — and other terms of provocation, taken 
 up at the door of Young Man's Coffee-house, shall 
 receive satisfaction from Mr. Morphew, besides a set 
 of arguments to be spoken to any man in a passion ; 
 which, if the said enraged man listens to, will pre- 
 vent quarrelling. 
 
 tit Mr. Bickerstaff does hereby give notice. That 
 he has taken the two famous Universities of this land 
 under his immediate care ; and does hereby promise 
 all tutors and pupils, that he will hear what can be 
 said of each side between them, and to correct them 
 impartially, by placing them in orders and classes in 
 the learned world, according to their merit.
 
 N " 32. TATLER. " 231 
 
 N° 32. THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 1709. 
 
 Quicqtiid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85,80. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, May 22. 
 
 An answer to the following letter being- absolutely 
 necessary to be dispatched with all expedition, 1 
 must trespass upon all that come with hoary ques- 
 tions into my anti-chamber, to give the gentleman 
 my opinion. 
 
 To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire. 
 
 Sir, June 18, 1709. 
 
 " I know not whether you ought to pity or laugh 
 at me ; for I am fallen desperately in love with a 
 professed Platonne, the most unaccountable creature 
 of her sex. To hear her talk seraphics, and run 
 over Norris, and More, and Milton, and the whole 
 set of intellectual triflers, torments me heartily ; 
 for, to a lover who understands metaphors, all this 
 pretty prattle of ideas gives very fine views of plea- 
 sure, which only the dear declaimer prevents, by 
 understanding them literally : why should she wish 
 to be a cherubim, when it is tiesli and blood that 
 makes her adorable ? If I speak to her, that is a 
 high breach of the idea of intuition; if I offer at 
 her hand or lip, she shrinks from the touch like a 
 sensitive plant, and would contract herself into 
 mere spirit. She calls her chariot, vehicle; her 
 furbelowed scarf, pinions ; her blue manteau and 
 petticoat is her azure dress ; and her footjnan goes
 
 232 TATLER. N" 32. 
 
 by the name of Oberon. It is my misfortune to be 
 six feet and a half high, two full spans between the 
 shoulders, thirteen inches diameter in the calves; 
 and, before I was in love, I had a noble stomach, 
 and usually went to bed sober with two bottles. I 
 am not quite six and twenty, and my nose is marked 
 truly aquiline. For these reasons, I am in a very 
 particular manner her aversion. What shall I do ? 
 Impudence itself cannot reclaim her. If I write 
 miserably, she reckons me among the children of 
 perdition, and discards me her region : if I assume 
 the gross and substantial, she plays the real ghost 
 with me, and vanishes in a moment. I had hopes 
 in the hypocrisy of her sex; but perseverance makes 
 it as bad as fixed aversion. I desire your opinion, 
 whether I may not lawfully play the inquisition 
 upon her, make use of a little force, and put her 
 to the rack and the torture, only to convince her, 
 she has really fine limbs, without spoiling or distort- 
 ing them. I expect your directions, before I pro- 
 ceed to dwindle and fall away with despair ; which 
 at present I do not think adviseable ; because, if she 
 should recant, she may then hate me, perhaps, in the 
 other extreme, for my temerity. I am, (with impa- 
 tience) your most humble servant, 
 
 Charles Sturdy." 
 
 My patient has put his case with very much 
 warmth, and represented it in so lively a manner, 
 that I see both his torment and tormentor with great 
 perspicuity. This order of Platonic ladies are to 
 be dealt within a manner peculiar from all the rest of 
 the sex. Flattery is the general way, and the way 
 in this case; but it is not to be done grossly. Every 
 man that has wit, and humour, and raillery, can 
 make a good flatterer for woman in general ; but a 
 Platonne is not to be touched with panegyric ; she 
 will tell you, it is a sensuality in the soul to be de-
 
 ■N" 32. TATLER. 233 
 
 lighted that way. ^oii are not therefore to com- 
 mend, but silently consent to all she does and says. 
 You are to consider, that in her the scorn of you is 
 not humour, but opinion. 
 
 There were, some years since, a set of these 
 ladies who were of quality, and gave out, that vir- 
 ginity was to be their state of life during this mortal 
 condition, and therefore resolved to join their for- 
 tunes, and erect a nunnery. The place of residence 
 was pitched upon; and a pretty situation, full of 
 natural falls and risings of waters, with shady co- 
 verts, and flowery arbours, was approved by seven 
 of the founders. There were as many of our sex 
 who took the liberty to visit their mansions of in- 
 tended severity; among others,* a famous rake of 
 that time, who had the grave way to an excellence. 
 He came in first ; but, upon seeing a servant coming 
 towards him with a design to tell him this was no 
 place for him or his companions, up goes my grave 
 impudence to the maid; " Young women," said he, 
 *' if any of the ladies are in the way on this side of 
 the house, pray carry us on the other side towards 
 the gardens : Ave are, you must know, gentlemen 
 that are travelling England; after which we shall go 
 into foreign parts, where some of us have already 
 been." Here he bows in the most humble manner, 
 and kissed the girl, who knew not how to behave to 
 such a sort of carriage. He goes on : " Now you 
 must know we have an ambition to have it to say, 
 that we have a Protestant nunnery in England : but 
 
 pray, Mrs. Betty" " Sir," she replied, " my name 
 
 is Susan, at your service." " Then I heartily beg 
 your pardon"—" No offence in the least," said she, 
 " for I have a cousin-german, whose name is Betty." 
 "Indeed," said he, "I protest to you, that was 
 more than I knew ; I spoke at random : but since it 
 
 * It is said, that Mr. Repington, a Warwickshire wag, 
 was the " famous rake" here alluded to. 
 
 X 3
 
 234 TATLER. N°32. 
 
 happens that I was near in the right, give me leave 
 to present this gentleman to the favour of a civil 
 salute." His friend advances, and so on, until they 
 had all saluted her. By this means the poor girl was 
 in the middle of the crowd of these fellows, at a loss 
 what to do, without courage to pass through them ; 
 and the Platonics, at several peep-holes, pale, 
 trembling, and fretting. Rake perceived they were 
 observed, and therefore took care to keep Sukey in 
 chat with questions concerning their way of life ; 
 when appeared at last Madonella*, a lady who had 
 writ a fine book concerning the recluse life, and was 
 the projectrix of the foundation. She approaches 
 into the hall ; and Rake, knowing the dignity of his 
 own mien and aspect, goes deputy from his com- 
 pany: She begins, '•' Sir, I am obliged to follow 
 the servant, who was sent out to know what affair 
 could make strangers press upon a solitude which 
 we, who are to inhabit this place, have devoted to 
 Heaven and our own thoughts ?" " Madam," re - 
 plies Rake, with an air of great distance, mixed 
 with a certain indifference, by which he could dis- 
 semble dissimulation, "your great intention has 
 made more noise in the world, than you design it 
 should ; and we travellers, who have seen many 
 foreign institutions of this kind, have a curiosity to 
 see in its first rudiments, this seat of primitive 
 piety ; for such it must be called by future ages, to 
 the eternal honour of the founders : I have read 
 Madonella's excellent and seraphic discourse on this 
 subject." The lady immediately answered, " If 
 what I have said could have contributed to raise any 
 thoughts in you that may make for the advancement 
 
 * The person here represented, or rather grossly misre- 
 presented, under the name of Madonnella, a diminutive from 
 Madona, which signifies the Virgin Mary, was, Mrs. Mary 
 Astell, a lady of superior understanding, of considerable 
 learning, and singular piety.
 
 N» 32. TATLER. 235 
 
 of intellectual and divine conversation, I should 
 think myself extremely happy." He immediately 
 fell back with the profoundest veneration ; then ad- 
 vancing, " Are you, then, that admired lady ? If I 
 may approach lips which have utterred things so 
 sacred." — He salutes her. His friends followed his 
 example. The devoted within stood in amazement 
 where this would end, to see Madonella receive 
 their address and their company. But Rake goes 
 on — " We would not transgress rules; but if we 
 may take the liberty to see that place you have 
 thought lit to choose for ever, we would go into such 
 parts of the gardens, as is consistent with the seve- 
 rities you have imposed on yourselves." 
 
 To be short, Madonella permitted Rake to lead 
 her into the assembly of nuns, followed by his 
 friends, and each took his fair one by the hand, after 
 due explanation, to walk round the gardens. The 
 conversation turned upon the lilies, the flowers, the 
 arbours, and the growing vegetables ; and Rake had 
 the solemn impudence, when the whole company 
 stood round him, to say, that " he sincerely 
 wished men might rise out of the earth like plants ; 
 and that our minds were not of necessity to be 
 sullied with carnivorous appetites for the generation, 
 as well as support of our species*." This was spoken 
 with so easy and fixed an assurance, that Mado- 
 nella answered, " Sir, under the notion of a pious 
 thought, you deceive yourself in wishing an insti- 
 tution foreign to that of Providence. These desires 
 were implanted in us for reverend purposes, in pre- 
 serving the race of men, and giving opportunities 
 for making our chastity more heroic." The con- 
 ference was continued in this celestial strain, and 
 carried on so well by the managers on both sides, 
 that it created a second and a third interview ; and, 
 
 * An illusion to, or rather a quotation from Sir T. Browne's 
 " Religio Medici."
 
 ii3G TATLER. N" 32. 
 
 without entering into further particulars, there was 
 hardly one of them but was a mother or father that 
 day twelvemonth. 
 
 Any unnatural part is long taking up, and as long 
 laying aside ; therefore Mr. Sturdy may assure him- 
 self, Plantonica will liy for ever from a forward be- 
 haviour; but if he approaches her according to this 
 model, she will fall in with the necessities of mortal 
 life, and condescend to look with pity upon an un- 
 happy man, imprisoned in so much body, and urged 
 by such violent desires. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 22. 
 
 The evils of this town increase upon me to so 
 great a degree, that I am half afraid I shall not 
 leave the world much better than I found it. Se- 
 veral worthy gentlemen and critics have applied to 
 me, to give my censure of an enormity which has 
 been revived, after being long suppressed, and is 
 called punning. I have several arguments ready to 
 prove, that he cannot be a man of honour, who is 
 guilty of this abuse of human society. But the way 
 to expose it, is like the expedient of curing drunken- 
 ness, showing a man in that condition : therefore I 
 must give' my reader warning to expect a collection 
 of these otiences ; without which preparation, I 
 thought it too adventurous to introduce the very 
 mention of it in good company : and I hope, I shall 
 be understood to do it, as a divine mentions oaths 
 and curses only for their condemnation. I shall 
 dedicate this discourse to a gentleman, my very 
 good friend, who is the Janus* of our times, and 
 whom, by his years and wit, you would take to be 
 of the last age ; but by his dress and morals, of 
 this. 
 
 * Under the fanciful name of Janus, Steele clearly alludes 
 to Swift.
 
 N" 32. TATLER. 237 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 22. 
 
 Last night arrived two mails from Holland, which 
 bring letters from the Hague of the twenty-eighth 
 instant, N. S. with advice that the enemy lay en- 
 camped behind a strong retrenchment, with the 
 marsh of Romiers on their right and left, extending 
 itself as far as Belhune : La Basse is in their front. 
 Lens in their rear, and their camp is strengthened 
 by another line from Lens to Doway. The Duke 
 of Marlborough caused an exact observation to be 
 made of their giound, and the works by which they 
 were covered, which appeared so strong that it was 
 not thought proper to attack them in their present 
 posture. However, the Duke thought tit to make 
 feint as if he designed it: His Grace accordingly 
 marched from the abbey at Looze, as did Prince 
 Eugene from Lampret, and advanced wi'th all pos- 
 sible diligence towards the enemy. To favour the 
 appearance of an intended assault, the ways were 
 made, and orders distributed in such manner, that 
 none in either camp could have thoughts of any 
 thing but charging the enemy by break of day next 
 morning : but soon after the fall of the night of the 
 twenty-sixth, the whole army faced towards Tour- 
 nay, which place they invested early in the morning 
 of the twenty-seventh. The marshal Villars was so 
 confident that we designed to attack him, that he had 
 drawn great part of the garrison of the place which 
 is now invested into the field : for which reason, it 
 is presumed, it must submit within a small time, 
 which the enemy cannot prevent, but by coming out 
 of their present camp, and hazarding a general en- 
 gagement. These advices add, that the garrison 
 of Mons had marched out under the command of 
 marshal d'Arco ; which, with the Bavarians, AYal- 
 loons, and the troops of Cologne, have joined the 
 grand army of the enemy.
 
 23a TATLER. N ' 33. 
 
 N" 33. SATUllDAY, JUNE 25, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines- 
 
 nostri est farrago lihelli, 
 
 Jiiv. Sat. i, 85, 86. 
 
 Whfite'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Mrs. Jenny Distaff, Half-Sister to Mr. 
 
 BiCKERSTAFF. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June, 12. 
 
 My brother has made an excursion into the country, 
 and the work against Saturday lies upon me. I am 
 very glad I have got pen and ink in my hand ; for I 
 have for some time longed for his absence, to give a 
 right idea of things, which I thought he put in a very 
 odd light, and some of them to the disadvantage of 
 my own sex. It is much to be lamented, that it 
 is necessary to make discourses, and publish treatises, 
 to keep the horrid creatures, the men, within the 
 rules of common decency. 
 
 I gladly embrace this opportunity to express myself 
 with the resentment I ought, on people who take 
 liberties of speech before that sex, of whom the 
 honoured names of Mother, Daughter, and Sister are 
 a part : I had liked to have named Wife in the 
 number ; but the senseless world are so mistaken in 
 their sentiments of pleasure, that the most amiable 
 term in human life is become the derision of fools 
 and scorners. My brother and I have at least tifty 
 times quarrelled upon this topic. I ever argue, 
 that the frailties of women are to be imputed to the 
 false ornaments, which men of wit put upon our 
 folly and coquetry. He lays all the vices of men upon 
 womens' secret approbation of libertine characters
 
 N" 33. TATLER. 23» 
 
 in thera. I did not care to give up a point ; but, now 
 he is out of the way, I cannot but own I believe 
 there is very much in what he asserted : but if you 
 will believe your eyes, and own, that the wickedest 
 and wittiest of them all marry one day or other, 
 it is impossible to believe, that if a man thought 
 he should be for ever incapable of being received 
 by a woman of merit and honour, he would persist 
 in an abandoned way ; and deny himself the pos- 
 sibility of enjoying the happiness of well-governed 
 desires, orderly satisfactions, and honourable me- 
 thods of life. If our sex were wise, a lover should 
 have a certificate from the last woman he served, 
 how he was turned away, before he was received 
 into the service of another ; but at present any vaga- 
 bond is welcome, provided he promises to enter into 
 our livery. It is wonderful, that we will not take 
 a footman without credentials from his last master : 
 and in the greatest concern of life, we make no 
 scruple of falling into a treaty with the most no- 
 torious offender in this behaviour against others. 
 But this breach of commerce between the sexes pro- 
 ceeds from an unaccountable prevalence of custom, 
 by which a woman is to the last degree reproachable 
 for being deceived, and a man suffers no loss of credit 
 for being a deceiver. 
 
 Since this tyrant humour has gained place, why 
 are we represented in the writings of men in ill figure 
 for artifice in our carriage, when we have to do with 
 a professed impostor ? When oaths, imprecations, 
 vows, and adorations, are made use of as words of 
 course, what arts are not necessary to defend us 
 from such as glory in the breach of them? As for 
 my part, I am resolved to hear all, and believe none 
 of them ; and therefore solemnly declare no vow 
 shall deceive me, but that of marriage : for I am 
 turned of twenty, and being of a small fortune, some 
 wit, and (if 1 can believe my lovers and my glass)
 
 240 TATLER. N" 33. 
 
 handsome, I have heard all that can be said towards 
 my undoing; and shall therefore, for warning-sake, 
 give an account of the offers that have been made 
 me, my manner of rejecting them, and my assistances 
 to keep my resolution. 
 
 In the sixteenth year of my life, I fell into the 
 acquaintance of a lady extremely well knd'wn in this 
 town for the quick advancement of her husband, 
 and the honours and distinctions which her industry 
 has procured him, and all who belong to her. This 
 excellent body sat next to me for some months at 
 church, and " took the liberty, which," she said, 
 " her years and the zeal she had for my welfare 
 gave her claim to, to assure me, that she observed 
 some parts of my behaviour which would lead me 
 into errors, and give encouragement to some to en- 
 tertain hopes I did not think of. What made you," 
 said she, " look through your fan at that lord, when 
 your eyes should have been turned upwards, or 
 closed in attention upon better objects ?" I blushed 
 and pretended fifty odd excuses ; — but confounded 
 myself the more. She wanted nothing but to see 
 that confusion, and goes on ; " Nay, child, do not 
 be troubled that I take notice of it ; my value for 
 you made me speak it; for though he is my kinsman, 
 I have a nearer regard to virtue than any other con- 
 sideration." She had hardly done speaking, when 
 this noble lord came up to us, and led her to her 
 coach. 
 
 My head ran all that day and night on the ex- 
 emplary carriage of this woman ; who could be so 
 virtuously impertinent, as to admonish one she was 
 hardly acquainted with. However, it struck upon 
 the vanity of a girl, that it may possibly be, his 
 thoughts might have been as favourable of me, as 
 mine were amorous of him : and as unlikely things 
 as that have happened, if he should make me his 
 wife. She never mentioned this more to me; but
 
 N" 33. TATLER. 241 
 
 I still in all public places stole looks at this man, 
 who easily observed my passion for him. It is so 
 hard a thing to check the return of agreeable thoughts, 
 that he became my dream, my vision, my food, my 
 wish, my torment. 
 
 That ministress of darkness, the lady Serapronia, 
 perceived too well the temper I was in, and would 
 one day after evening service, needs take me to the 
 park. When we were there, my lord passes by ; 
 I flushed into a flame. " Mrs. Distaff"," said she, 
 " you may very well remember the concern I was 
 in upon the first notice I took of your regard to that 
 lord; and forgive me, who had a tender friendship 
 for your mother (now in her grave), that I am vigi- 
 lant of your conduct." She went on with much se- 
 verity, and, after great solicitation, prevailed on me 
 to go with her into the country, and there spend the 
 ensuing summer out of the way of a man she saw I 
 loved, and one whom she perceived meditated my 
 ruin, by frequently desiring her to introduce him to 
 me: which she absolutely refused, except he would 
 give his honour that he had no other design but to 
 marry me. To her country-house a week or two 
 after we went : there was at the further end of her 
 garden a kind of wilderness, in the middle of which 
 ran a soft rivulet by an arbour of jessamine. In 
 this place I usually passed my retired hours, and 
 read some romantic or poetical tale until the close of 
 the evening. It was near that time, in the heat of 
 summer, when gentle winds, soft murmurs of water, 
 and notes of nightingales, had given my mind an 
 indolence, which added to that repose of soul twi- 
 light and the end of a warm day naturally throw 
 upon the spirits. It was at such an hour, and in" 
 such a state of tranquillity I sat, when, to my in- 
 expressible amazement, I saw my lord walking to- 
 wards me, whom I knew not until that moment to 
 have been in the country. I could observe in his 
 
 VOL. I, Y
 
 242 TATLER. N° 33. 
 
 approach the perplexity which attends a man big 
 with design ; and I had, while he was coming for- 
 ward, time to reflect that I was betrayed; the sense 
 of which ffave me a resentment suitable to such a 
 baseness : but, when he entered into the bower 
 where I was, my heart flew towards him, and, I 
 confess, a certain joy came into my mind, with an 
 hope that he might then make a declaration of hon- 
 our and passion. This threw my eye upon him 
 with such tenderness as gave him power, v/ith a 
 broken accent, to begin. " Madam — ^you will won- 
 der — for it is certain, you must have observed — 
 though I fear you will misinterpret the motives — 
 but by heaven and all that is sacred ! if you could " 
 — Here he made a full stand, and I recovered 
 power to say, " The consternation I am in you will 
 not, I hope, believe — an helpless innocent maid — 
 besides that, the place. "^ — — He saw me in as great 
 confusion as himself; which attributing to the same 
 causes, he had the audaciousness to throw himself 
 at my feet, talk of the stillness of the evening, and 
 then ran into deifications of my person, pure flames, 
 constant love, eternal raptures, and a thousand other 
 phrases drawn from the images we have of heaven, 
 which ill men use for the service of hell, when run 
 over with uncommon vehemence. After which he 
 seized me in his arms : his design was too evident. 
 
 In my utmost distress, I fell upon my knees 
 
 " My lord, pity me, on my knees —   — on my knees 
 in the cause of virtue, as you were lately in that of 
 wickedness. Can you think of destroying the la- 
 bour of a whole life, the purpose of a long educa- 
 tion, for the base purpose of a sudden appetite ; to 
 throw one that loves you, that doats on you, out of 
 the company and the road of all that is virtuous and 
 praise-worthy ? Have I taken in all the instruc- 
 tions of piety, religion, and reason, for no other end, 
 but to be the sacrifice of lust, and abandoned to
 
 N" 33. TATLER. 243 
 
 scorn ? Assume yourself, my lord ; and do not at- 
 tempt to vitiate a temple sacred to innocence, hon- 
 our, and religion. If I have injured you, stab this 
 bosom, and let me die, but not be ruined, by the 
 hand I love." The ardency of my passion made me 
 incapable of uttering more ; and I saw my lover 
 astonished and reformed by my behaviour ; vi^hen 
 rushed in Sempronia. " Ha ! faithless base man, 
 could you then steal out of town, and lurk like a 
 robber about my house, for such brutish purposes!" 
 
 My lord by this time was recovered, and fell into 
 a violent laughter at the turn which Sempronia de- 
 signed to give her villany. He bowed to me with 
 the utmost respect : " Mrs, Distafi'," said he, " be 
 careful hereafter of your company;" and so retired. 
 The fiend Sempronia congratulated my deliverance 
 with a flood of tears. 
 
 This nobleman has since very frequently made his 
 addresses to me with honour ; but I have as often 
 refused them ; as well knowing that familiarity and 
 marriage will make him, on some ill-natured occa- 
 sion, call all I said in the arbour a theatrical action. 
 Besides that, I glory in contemning a man, who 
 had thoughts to my dishonour. If this method v/ere 
 the imitation of the whole sex, innocence would be 
 the only dress of beauty ; and all aftectation by any 
 other arts to please the eyes of men, would be ba- 
 nished to the stews for ever. The conquest of 
 passion gives ten times more happiness than we can 
 reap from the gratification of it ; and she, that has 
 got over such an one as mine, will stand among 
 Beaux and Pretty Fellows, with as much safety 
 as in a summer's day among grasshoppers and but- 
 terflies. 
 
 P. S. I have ten millions of things more against 
 men, if ever I get the pen again.
 
 244 TATLER, N" 34. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, June 24. 
 Our last advices from the Hague, dated the 
 twenty-eighth instant, N. S. say, that, on the 
 twenty-fifth, a squadron of Dutch men of war sailed 
 out of the Texel to join Admiral Baker at Spithead. 
 The twenty-sixth was observed as a day of fasting 
 and humiliation, to implore a blessing on the arms 
 of the allies this ensuing campaign. Letters from 
 Dresden are very particular in the account of the 
 gallantry and magnificence, in which that Court has 
 appeared since the arrival of the King of Denmark. 
 No day has passed in which public shows have not 
 been exhibited for his entertainment and diversion : 
 the last of that kind which is mentioned is a ca- 
 rousal, wherein many of the youth of the first qua- 
 lity, dressed in the most splendid manner, ran for 
 the prize. His Danish Majesty condescended to 
 the same ; but having observed that there was a de- 
 sign laid to throw it in his way, passed by without 
 attempting to gain it. The Court of Dresden was 
 preparing to accompany his Danish Majesty to Pots- 
 dam, where the expectation of an interview of three 
 kings, had drawn together such a multitude of peo- 
 ple, that many persons of distinction will be obliged 
 to lie in tents, as long as those Courts continue in 
 that place. 
 
 N° 34. TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i.85, 86. 
 Wbate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire. 
 
 WJiite's Chocolate-house, June 25. 
 
 Having taken upon me to cure all the distempers 
 
 which proceed from affections of the mind, I have
 
 N" 34. TATLER. 245 
 
 laboured, since I first kept the public stage, to do 
 all the good I could, and have perfected many cures 
 at my own lodgings, carefully avoiding the common 
 method of mountebanks, to do their most eminent 
 operations in sight of the people ; but must be so 
 just to my patients as to declare, they have testified 
 under their hands their sense of my poor abilities, 
 and the good I have done them, which I publish for 
 the benefit of the world, and not out of any thoughts 
 of private advantage. 
 
 I have cured fine Mrs. Spy of a great imperfec- 
 tion in her eyes, which made her eternally rolling 
 them from one coxcomb to another in public places, 
 in so languishing a manner, that it once lessened 
 her own power, and her beholders' vanity. Twenty 
 drops of my ink, placed in certain letters on which 
 she attentively looked for half an hour, have restored 
 her to the true use of her sight, which is, to guide, 
 and not mislead us. Ever since she took the liquor, 
 which I call Bickerstaff 's circumspection-water, she 
 looks right forward, and can bear being looked at 
 for half a day without returning one glance. This 
 water has a peculiar virtue in it, which makes it the 
 only true cosmetic or beauty-wash in the world ; the 
 nature of it is such, that if you go to a glass with a 
 design to admire your face, it immediately changes 
 it into downright deformity. If you consult it only 
 to look with a better countenance upon your friends, 
 it immediately gives an alacrity to the visage, and 
 new grace to the whole person. There is indeed a 
 great deal owing to the constitution of the person to 
 whom it is applied ; it is in vain to give it when the 
 patient is in the rage of the distemper ; a bride in 
 her first month, a lady soon after her husband's being 
 knighted, or any person of either sex, who has 
 lately obtained any new good fortune or preferment, 
 must be prepared. some time before they use it. It 
 has an effect upon others, as well as the patient. 
 
 y3
 
 246 TATLER. N" 34. 
 
 when it is taken in due form. Lady Petulant has 
 by the use of it cured her husband of jealousy, and 
 lady Gad her whole neighbourhood of detraction. 
 
 The fame of these things, added to my being an 
 old fellow, makes me extremely acceptable to the 
 fair sex. You would hardly believe me, when I tell 
 you, there is not a man in town so much their delight 
 as myself. They make no more of visiting me, than 
 going to Madam Depingle's ; there were two of 
 them, namely, Damia and Clidamira, (I assure you 
 women of distinction) who came to see me this 
 morning in their way to prayers ; and being in a 
 very diverting humour (as innocence always makes 
 people cheerful), they would needs have me, ac- 
 cording to the distinction of pretty and very pretty 
 fellows, inform them, if I thought either of them had 
 a title to the very pretty, among those of their own 
 sex ; and if I did, which was the more deserving of 
 the two ? 
 
 To put them to the trial, *' Look ye," said I, " I 
 must not rashly give my judgment in matters of this 
 importance; pray let me see you dance; I play upon 
 the kit." They immediately fell back to the lower 
 end of the room (you may be sure they curtsied low 
 enough to me) and began. Never were two in the 
 world so equally matched, and both scholars to my 
 name-sake Isaac* Never was man in so danger- 
 ous a condition as myself, when they began to ex- 
 pand their charms. " Oh! ladies, ladies," cried I, 
 "not half that air, you will fire the house." Both 
 smiled ; for, by the bye, there is no carrying a me- 
 taphor too far, when a lady's charms are spoken 
 of. Somebody, I think, has called a fine woman 
 dancing, " a brandished torch of beauty." These 
 rivals moved with such an agreeable freedom, that 
 you would believe their gesture was the necessary 
 
 * Mr. Isaac, a famous dancing-master at that time, was a 
 Frenchman, and a Roman Catholic.
 
 N" 34. TATLER. 247 
 
 effect of the music, and not the product of skill and 
 practice. Now Clidamira came on with a crowd of 
 graces, and demanded my judgment with so sweet 
 an air— and she had no sooner carried it, but Damia 
 made her utterly forgot, by a gentle sinking, and a 
 rigadoon step. The contest held a full half-hour ; 
 and, I protest, I saAv no manner of difference in 
 their perfections, until they came up together, and 
 expected sentence. " Look ye, ladies," said I, 
 " I see no difference in the least in your perform- 
 ance ; but you, Clidamira, seem to be so well satis- 
 fied that I shall determine for you, that 1 must give 
 it to Damia, who stands v, ith so much diffidence 
 and fear, after showing an equal merit to what she 
 pretends to. Therefore, Clidamira, you are pretty; 
 but, Damia, you are a very pretty lady : for," said 
 I, " beauty loses its force, if not accompanied with 
 modesty. She that has an humble opinion of her- 
 self, will have every body's applause, because she 
 does not expect it; while the vain creature loses ap- 
 probation through too great a sense of deserving it." 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 27. 
 
 Being of a very spare and hective constitution, I 
 am forced to make frequent journeys of a mile or 
 two for fresh air ; and, indeed, by this last, which 
 was no farther than the village of Chelsea, I am far- 
 ther convinced of the necessity of travelling to know 
 the world : for, as it is usual with young voyagers, 
 as soon as they land upon a shore, to begin their 
 accounts of the nature of the people, their soil, their 
 government, their inclinations, and their passions ; 
 so really I fancied I could give you an immediate 
 description of this village, from the Five Fields where 
 the robbers lie in wait, to the coffee-house where the 
 Literati sit in council. A great ancestor of our's by 
 the mother's side;, Mr. Justice Overdo (whose his- 
 tory is written by Ben .Tonson), met with mor«>;
 
 1J48 TATLER. N° 34. 
 
 enormities by walking incognito than he was capa- 
 ble of correcting ; and found great mortifications in 
 observing also persons of eminence, whom he before 
 knew nothing of. Thus it fared with me, even in a 
 place so near the town as this. When 1 came into 
 the coffee-house, I had not time to salute the com- 
 pany, before my eyes were diverted by ten thousand 
 gimcracks round the room, and on the cieling. 
 When my first astonishment was over, there comes to 
 me a sage of a thin and meagre countenance ; which 
 aspect made me doubt, whether reading or fretting 
 had made it so philosophic : but I very soon per- 
 ceived him to be of that sect which the antients 
 call Gingivista^ ; in our language, tooth-drawers. 
 I immediately had a respect for the man ; for these 
 practical philosophers go upon a very rational hy- 
 pothesis, not to cure, but to take away the part af- 
 fected. My love of mankind made me very bene- 
 volent to Mr. Salter ; * for such is the name of this 
 eminent barber and antiquary. Men are usually, 
 but unjustly, distinguished rather by their fortunes 
 than their talents ; otherwise this personage would 
 make a great figure in that class of men which 
 I distinguish under the title of Odd Fellows. But 
 it is the misfortune of persons of great genius to 
 have their faculties dissipated by attention to too 
 many things at once. Mr. Salter is an instance of 
 this : if he would wholly give himself up to the 
 string, f instead of playing twenty beginnings to 
 tunes, he might, before he dies, play Roger de 
 
 * Mr, Salter was a noted barber, who began to make a col- 
 lection of natural curiosities, which acquired him the name 
 (probably first given him by Steele) of Don Saltero. He for- 
 merly kept a coffee-house at Chelsea, the curiosities of which 
 were lately sold by auction. See Gent. Mag. vol. LXIX. 
 p. 160. 
 
 t There was no passing his house, if he was at home, with- 
 out having one's ears grated with the soimd of his fiddle, on 
 which he Kcraped most execrably.
 
 N" 34. TATLER. 249 
 
 Caubly quite out. I heard him go through his 
 whole round ; and indeed I think he does play tne 
 " Merry Christ Church Bells'' pretty justly ; but he 
 confessed to me, he did that rather to shew he \yas 
 orthodox, than that he valued himself upon the 
 music itself. Or, if he did proceed in his anatomy, 
 why might he not hope in time to cut off" legs, as 
 well as teeth? The particularity of this man put 
 rae into a deep thought, whence it should proceed, 
 that of all the lower order, barbers should go 
 further in hitting the ridiculous than any other set 
 of men. Watermen brawl, cobblers sing : but why 
 must a barber be for ever a politician, a musician, 
 an anatomist, a poet, and a physician ? The learned 
 Vossius says, his barber used to comb his hair in 
 iambics. And indeed, in all ages, one of this use- 
 ful profession, this order of cosmetic philosophers, 
 has been celebrated by the most eminent hands. 
 You see the barber in Don Quixote is one of the 
 principal characters in the history ; which gave me 
 satisfaction in the doubt, vvb.y Don Saltero writ his 
 name with a Spanish termination : for he is de- 
 scended in a right line, not from John Tradescant,* 
 as he himself asserts, but from that memorable com- 
 panion of the Knight of Mancha. And I hereby 
 certify all the worthy citizens who travel to see his 
 rarities, that his double-barrelled pistols, targets, 
 coats of mail, his sclopeta and sword of Toledo, 
 were left' to his ancestor by the said Don Quixote, 
 and by the said ancestor to all his progeny down to 
 Don Saltero. Though 1 go thus far in favour of 
 Don Saltero's great merit, I cannot allow a liberty 
 he takes of imposing several names (without my 
 licence) on the collections he has made, to the abuse 
 of the good people of England; one of which is 
 particularly calculated to deceive religious persons, 
 to the great scandal of the well-disposed, and may 
 
 * Tradescant was tlip pri'son who culh.'cted the curiositif-'s 
 which Elias Ashniole Ifl't to I he Univeisiily ot'Oxlbid.
 
 250 TATLER. N° 3o. 
 
 introduce heterodox opinions. He shows yoii a 
 straw hat, which I know to be made by Madge 
 Peskad, within three miles of Bedford ; and tells 
 you, " It is Pontius Pilate's wife's chambermaid's 
 sister's hat." To my knowledge of this very hat it 
 may be added, that the covering of straw was never 
 used among the Jews, since it was demanded of 
 them to make bricks without it. Therefore this is 
 really nothing but, under the specious pretence of 
 learning and antiquities, to impose upon the world. 
 There are other things which I cannot tolerate among 
 his rarities : as, the china figure of a lady in the 
 glass-case : the Italian engine for the imprisonment 
 of those who go abroad with it : both which I hereby 
 order to be taken down, or else he may expect to 
 have his letters-patent for making punch superseded, 
 be debarred wearing his muft" next winter, or ever 
 coming to London without his wife. It may per- 
 haps be thought I have dwelt too long upon the 
 affairs of this operator ; but I desire the reader to 
 remember, that it is my way to consider men as they 
 stand in merit, and not according to their fortune or 
 figure ; and if he is in a coftee-house at the reading 
 hereof, let him look round, and he will find, there 
 may be more characters drawn in this account than 
 that of Don Saltero ; for half the politicians about 
 him, he may observe, are, by their place in nature, 
 of the class of tooth-drawers. 
 
 N° 36. THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Jov. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 Grecian Coffee-house, June 28. 
 There is an habit or custom which I have put my 
 patience to the utmost stretch to have suffered so
 
 N" 35. TATLER. 251 
 
 long, because several of my intimate friends are in 
 the guilt ; and that is, the humour of taking snuif, 
 and looking dirty about the mouth by way of orna- 
 ment. 
 
 My method is, to drive to the bottom of a sore 
 before I pretend to apply a remedy. For this rea- 
 son, I sat by an eminent story-teller and politician, 
 who takes half an ounce in five seconds, and has 
 mortgaged a pretty tenement near the town, merely 
 to improve and dung his brains with this prolific 
 powder. I observed this gentleman, the other day, 
 in the midst of a story, diverted from it by looking 
 at something at a distance, and I softly hid his box. 
 But he returns to his tale, and, looking for his box, 
 he cries, " And so, Sir — ■" Then, when he should 
 have taken a pinch, " As I was saying — " says he, 
 " has nobody seen my box ? " His friend beseeches 
 him to finish his narration : then he proceeds ; " And 
 
 so. Sir where can my box be?" Then turning 
 
 to me, " Pray, Sir, did you see my box?" " Yes, 
 Sir," said I, " I took it to see how long you could 
 do without it." He resumed his tale ; and I took 
 notice that his dulness was much more regular and 
 fluent than before. A pinch supplied the place of 
 "As I was saying," and " So, Sir;" and he went 
 on currently enough in that style which the learned 
 call insipid. This observation easily led me into 
 a philosophic reason for taking snuff; which is done 
 only to supply with sensations the want of reflection. 
 This I take to be an eupr}H«, a nostrum ; upon which 
 I hope to receive the thanks of this board : for as it 
 is natural to lift a man's hand to a sore, when you 
 fear any thing coming at you ; so when a person 
 feels his thoughts are run out, and he has no more 
 to say, it is as natural to fill his weak brain with 
 powder at the nearest place of access, viz. the 
 nostrils. This is so evident, that nature suggests 
 tlu! use according to the indigence of the persons
 
 252 TAT1.ER. N" 35. 
 
 who take this medicine, without being prepossessed 
 with the force of fashion or custom. For example ; 
 the native Hibernians, who are reckoned not much 
 unlike the ancient Boeotians, take this specific for 
 emptiness in the head, in greater abundance than 
 any other nation under the sun. The learned Scotus, 
 as sparing as he is in his words, would be still more 
 silent if it were not for this powder. 
 
 However low and poor the taking of snufF argues 
 a man to be in his stock of thoughts, or means to 
 employ his brains and his fingers; yet there is a 
 poorer creature in the world than he, and this is 
 a borrower of snutf ; a fellow that keeps no box of 
 his own, but is always asking others for a pinch. 
 Such poor rogues put me always in mind of a com- 
 mon phrase among school-boys, when they are com- 
 posing their exercise, who run to an upper scholar, 
 and cry, " Pray give me a little sense." But of all 
 things commend me to the ladies who are got into 
 this pretty help of discourse. I have been these 
 three years persuading Sagissa* to leave it off; but 
 she talks so much, and is so learned, that she is 
 above contradiction. However, an accident the 
 other day brought that about, which my eloquence 
 could never accomplish. She had a very pretty fel- 
 low in her closet, who ran thither to avoid some 
 company that came to visit her : she made an ex- 
 cuse to go in to him for some implement they were 
 talking of. Her eager gallant snatched a kiss; but, 
 being unused to snuff, some grains from oft' her 
 upper lip made him sneeze aloud, which alarmed 
 the visitants, and has made a discovery, that pro- 
 found reading, very much intelligence, and a gene- 
 
 * The ingenious lady here alluded to, under the name of 
 Sagissa, a diminutive from the word Sn^e, was probably Mrs. 
 De la Riviere Manley, who provoked Steele by the liberties 
 she had takea with his character, in her " Secret Memoirs 
 from the New Atalantis, &c."
 
 N** 35. TATLER. 253 
 
 ral knowledge of who and who are together, cannot 
 fill her vacant hours so much, but she is sometimes 
 obliged to descend to entertainments less intel- 
 lectual. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, June 29. 
 
 I know no manner of news from this place, but 
 that Cynthio, having been long in despair for the 
 inexorable Clarissa, lately resolved to fall in love 
 with the good old way of bargain and sale, and has 
 pitched upon a very agreeable young woman. He 
 will undoubtedly succeed ; for he accosts her in a 
 strain of familiarity, without breaking through the 
 deference that is due to a woman whom a man 
 would choose for his life.* I have hardly ever 
 heard rough truth spoken with a better grace than 
 in this his letter. 
 
 " Madam, 
 
 " I writ to you on Saturday by Mrs. Lucy, and 
 give you this trouble to urge the same request t made 
 then, which was, that I may be permitted to wait 
 upon you. 1 should be very far from desiring this, 
 if it was a transgression of the most severe rules to 
 allow it : 1 know you are very much above the 
 little arts which are frequent in your sex, of giving 
 unnecessary torments to their admirers ; therefore 
 hope you will do so much justice to the generous 
 passion I have for you, as to let me have an oppor- 
 tunity of acquainting you upon what motives 1 pre- 
 tend to your good opinion. I shall not trouble you 
 with my sentiments until I know how they will be 
 received ; and as I know no reason why difference 
 of sex should make our language to each other dif- 
 fer from the ordinary rules of right reason, 1 shall 
 
 * Lord Hinchinbroke married Lady Elizabeth Popham, 
 only daughter of Alexander Popham, Esq. of Liltlecote, in 
 Wiltshire. 
 
 VOL, I. Z
 
 254 TATLER. N" 85. 
 
 affect plainness and sincerity in my discourse to 
 you, as much as other lovers do perplexity and rap- 
 ture. Instead of saying, I shall die for you, I pro- 
 fess I should be glad to lead my life with you : you 
 are as beautiful, as witty, as prudent, and as good- 
 humoured, as any woman breatiiing ; but, I must 
 confess to you, 1 regard all these excellencies as 
 you will please to direct them for my happiness or 
 misery. With me. Madam, the only lasting motive 
 of love is the hope of its becoming mutual. I beg 
 of you to let Mrs. Lucy send me word when I may 
 attend you. I promise you I will talk of nothing 
 but indifferent things : though, at the same time, I 
 know not how to approach you in the tender mo- 
 ment of first seeing you, after this declaration of, 
 ]\f adam, your most obedient, and most faithfid, hum- 
 ble servant, &c." 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, June 29. 
 
 Having taken a resolution, when plays are acted 
 next winter by an entire good company, to publish 
 observations from time to time on the performance 
 of the actors, I think it but just to give an abstract 
 of the laws of action, for the help of the less learn- 
 ed part of the audience, that they may rationally 
 enjoy so refined and instructive a pleasure as a just 
 representation of human life. The great errors in 
 playing are admirably well exposed in Hamlet's di- 
 rections to the actors who are to play in his sup- 
 posed tragedy : by which we shall form our future 
 judgments on their behaviour, and for that reason 
 you have the discourse as follows : 
 
 " Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounc'd 
 it to you, trippingly on the tongue : but if you mouth 
 it, as many of our players do, I had as lieve the 
 town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the 
 air too much with your hand, thus ; but u.se all 
 gently : for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I
 
 N" 35. TATLEK. 25-5 
 
 may say) whirlwind of your passion, you must 
 acquire and beget a temperance, that may give it 
 smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul, to hear a 
 robustious perriwig-pated fellow tear a passion to 
 tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the ground- 
 lings : who, for the most part, are capable of no- 
 thing but inexplicable dull shovt^s, and noise : I 
 would have such a fellow whipp'd for o'er-doing 
 Termagant ; it out-herods Herod : pray you, avoid 
 it. Be not too tame neither, but let your own dis- 
 cretion be your tutor : suit the action to the word, 
 the word to the action ; with this special observance, 
 that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature : for 
 any thing so overdone is from the purpose of play- 
 ing, whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and 
 is, to hold as 'twere the mirror up to nature ; to 
 shew virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, 
 and the very age and body of the time his form and 
 pressure. Now this, over-done, or come tardy oW, 
 though it make the unskilful laugh, cannot but make 
 the judicious grieve ; the censure of which one, 
 must, in your allowance, o'er-weigh a whole theatre 
 of others. O, there be players, that I have seen 
 play, — and heard others praise, and that highly — 
 not to speak it profanely, that neither having the 
 accent of Christians, nor the gait of Christian, Pa- 
 gan, nor man, have so strutted, and bellowed, that 
 I have thought some of nature's journeymen had 
 made men, and not made them well, they imitated 
 humanity so abominably. This should be reformed 
 altogether. And let those that play your clowns, 
 speak no more than is set down for them : for there 
 be of them, that will themselves laugh, to set on 
 some quantity of barren spectators to laugh too ; 
 though in the mean time, some necessary question of 
 the play be then to be considered : that's villanous, 
 and shows a most pitiful ambition in the fool that 
 uses it."
 
 256 TATLER. N" 35. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 29. 
 
 It would be a very great obligation, and an assist- 
 ance to my treatise upon punning, if any one would 
 please to inform me in what class among the learned, 
 who play with words, to place the author of the fol- 
 lowing letter. 
 
 " Sir, 
 
 " Not long since you were pleased to give us a 
 chimerical account of the famous family of the Staffs, 
 from whence I suppose you would insinuate, that it 
 is the most ancient and numerous house in all 
 Europe. But I positively deny that it is either, and 
 wonder much at your audacious proceedings in this 
 manner, since it is well known, that our most illus- 
 trious, most renowned, and most celebrated Roman 
 family of Ix has enjoyed the precedency to all 
 others, from the reign of good old Saturn. I could 
 say much to the defamation and disgrace of your 
 family ; as, that your relations Distaff and Broom- 
 staff were both inconsiderable mean persons, one 
 spinning, the other sweeping the streets, for their 
 daily bread. But I forbear to vent my spleen on 
 objects so much beneath my indignation. I shall 
 only give the world a catalogue of my ancestors, 
 and leave them to determine which hath hitherto 
 had, and which for the future ought to have, the 
 preference. 
 
 First then comes the most famous and popular 
 lady Meretrix, parent of the fertile family of Bella- 
 trix, Lotrix, Netrix, Nutrix, Obstetrix, Famulatrix, 
 Coctrix, Ornatrix, Sarcinatrix, Fextrix, Balneatrix, 
 Portatrix, SUtatrix, Divinatrix, Conjectrix, Com- 
 trix, Debitrix, Creditrix, Donatrix, Ambulatrix, 
 Mercatrix, Adsectrix, Assectatrix, Palpatrix, Prae- 
 ceptrix, Pistrix. I am yours, 
 
 " Eliz. Portatrix."
 
 N° 35. TATLER. 267 
 
 St. Jameses Coffee-hoiise, June 27. 
 
 Letters from Brussels, of the second of July, 
 N. S. say, that the Duke of Marlborough and 
 Prince Eugene, having received advice that the 
 Marshal Villars had drawn a considerable body out 
 of the garrison of Tournay, to reinforce his army, 
 marched towards that place, and came before it 
 early in the morning of the twenty-seventh. - As 
 soon as they came into that ground, the Prince of 
 Nassau was sent with a strong detachment to take 
 post at St. Amand; and at the same time my Lord 
 Orkney received orders to possess himself of Mor- 
 tagne; both which were successfully executed; 
 whereby we were masters of the Scheld and Scrap. 
 Eight men were drawn out of each troop of dragoons 
 and company of foot in the garrison of Tournay, to 
 make up the reinforcement which was ordered to 
 join Marshal Villars. On advice that the allies 
 were marching towards Tournay, they endeavoured 
 to return into the town, but were intercepted by the 
 Earl of Orkney, by whom the whole body was killed 
 or taken. These letters add, that twelve hundred 
 dragoons (each horseman carrying a foot-soldier 
 behind him) were detached from Mons to throw 
 themselves into Tournay, but, upon appearance of 
 a great body of horse of the allies, retired towards 
 Conde. We hear that the garrison does not con- 
 sist of more than three thousand live hundred men. 
 Of the sixty battalions designed to be employed in 
 this siege, seven are English, viz. two of guards, 
 and the regiments of Argyle, Temple, Evans, and 
 Meredith. 
 
 2 3
 
 258 TATLER. N" 36. 
 
 ]S° 36. SATURDAY, JULY 2, 1709. 
 
 By Mrs. Jenny Distaff, Half-sister to 
 
 Mr. BiCKERSTAFF. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli, 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 From my own Apartment, June 30. 
 
 Many aft'airs calling my brother into the country, 
 the care of our intelligence with the town is left to 
 me for some time; therefore you must expect the 
 advices you meet with in this paper, to be such as 
 more immediately and naturally fall under the con- 
 sideration of our sex. History, therefore, written 
 by a woman, you will easily imagine to consist of 
 love in all its forms, both in the abuse of, and obe- 
 dience to that passion. As to the faculty of writing 
 itself, it will not, it is hoped, be demanded that style 
 and ornament shall be so much consulted, as truth 
 and simplicity ; which latter qualities we may more 
 justly pretend to beyond the other sex : while, there- 
 fore, the administration of our aflairs is in my hands, 
 you shall from time to time have an exact account 
 of all false lovers, and their shallow pretences for 
 breaking off; of all termagant wives who make 
 wedlock a yoke ; of men who affect the entertain- 
 ments and manners suitable only to our sex, and 
 women who pretend to the conduct of such affairs 
 as are only within the province of men. It is ne- 
 cessary further to advertise the reader, that the 
 usual places of resort, being utterly out of my pro- 
 vince or observation, J shall be obliged frequently
 
 N" 30. TATELER. 259 
 
 to change the dates of places, as occurrences come 
 into my way. The following letter I lately received 
 from Epsom: 
 
 Epsom, Jxme 28. 
 
 " It is now almost three weeks since what you 
 writ about happened in this place : the quarrel be- 
 tween my friends did not run so high as I find your 
 accounts have made it. The truth of the fact you 
 shall have very faithfully. You are to understand, 
 that the persons concerned in this scene were Lady 
 Autumn and Lady Springly. Autumn is a person 
 of good-breeding, formality, and a singular way 
 practised in the last age ; and Lady Springly, a 
 modern impertinent of our sex, who affects as im- 
 proper a familiarity, as the other does distance : 
 Lady Autumn knows to a hair's breadth where 
 her place is in all assemblies and conversations : 
 but Springly neither gives nor takes place of any 
 body, but understands the place to signify no more, 
 than to have room enough to be at ease wherever 
 she comes ; thus, while Autumn takes the whole 
 of this life to consist in understanding punctilio and 
 decorum, Springly takes every thing to be becom- 
 ing, which contributes to her ease and satisfaction. 
 These heroines have married two brothers, both 
 knights. Springly is the spouse of the elder, who 
 is a baronet; and Autumn, being a rich widow, has 
 taken the younger, and her purse endowed him with 
 an equal fortune, and knighthood of the same order. 
 This jumble of titles, you need not doubt, has been 
 an aching torment to Autumn, who took place of 
 the other on no pretence, but her carelessness and 
 disregard of distinction. The secret occasion of 
 envy broiled long in the breast of Autumn ; but no 
 opportunity of contention on that subject happening, 
 kept all things quiet until the accident of which you 
 demand an account.
 
 260 TATLER. N" 36. 
 
 It was given out among all the gay people of this 
 place, that on the ninth instant several damsels, 
 swift of foot, were to run for a suit of head-cloaths 
 at the Old Wells. Lady Autumn on this occasion 
 invited Springly to go with her in her coach to seethe 
 race. When they came to the place, where the go- 
 vernor of Epsom and all his court of citizens where 
 assembled, as well as a crowd of people of all orders, 
 a brisk young fellow addresses himself to the younger 
 of the ladies, viz. Springly, and offers her his ser- 
 vice to conduct her into the music-room. Springly 
 accepts the compliment, and is led triumphantly 
 through a bowing crowd, while Autumn is left among 
 the rabble, and has much ado to get back into her 
 coach ; but she did it at last : and, as it is usual to 
 see, by the horses, my Lady's present disposition, 
 she orders John to whip furiously home to her hus- 
 band ; where, when she enters, down she sits, began 
 to unpin her hood, and lament her foolish, fond heart, 
 to marry into a family where she was so little re- 
 garded ; she that might . Here she stops ; then 
 
 rises up, and stamps, and sits down again. Her 
 gentle knight made his approach with a supple be- 
 seeching gesture. ' My dear V said he — ' Tell me 
 no dears !' replied Autumn, in the presence of the 
 governor and all the merchants. ' What will the 
 world say of a woman that has thrown herself away 
 at this rate?' Sir Thomas withdrew, and knew it 
 would not be long a secret to him ; as well as that 
 experience told him, he that marries a fortune is, of 
 course, guilty of all faults against his wife, let them 
 be committed by whom they will : but Springly, an 
 hour or two after, returns from the Wells, and finds 
 the whole company together. Down she sat, and a 
 profound silence ensued. You know a premeditated 
 quarrel usually begins and works up with the words 
 some people. The silence was broken by Lady 
 Autumn, who began to say, ' There are some people
 
 N° 36. TATLEK. 261 
 
 who fancy, that if some people' — Springly imme- 
 diately takes her up, ' There are some people who 
 fancy, if other people' — Autumn repartees, ' People 
 may give themselves airs ; but other people, perhaps, 
 who make less ado, may be, perhaps, as agreeable as 
 people who set themselves out more.' All the other 
 people at the table sat mute, while these two people, 
 who were quarrelling, went on with the use of the 
 word people, instancing the very accidents between 
 them, as if they kept only in distant hints. ' There- 
 fore,' says Autumn, reddening, ' iliere are some 
 people will go abroad in other people's coaches, and 
 leave those with whom they went to shift for them- 
 selves : and if, perhaps, those people have married 
 the younger brother ; yet, perhaps, he may be be- 
 holden to those people for what he is.' Springly 
 smartly answers, ' People may bring so much ill- 
 humour into a family, as people may repent their 
 receiving their money :' and goes on — ' Every body 
 is not considerable enough to give her uneasiness.' 
 Upon this Autumn comes up to her, and desired 
 her to kiss her, and never to see her again ; which 
 her sister refusing, my lady gave her a box on the 
 ear. Springly returns, ' Ay, ay,' said she, ' I knew 
 well enough you meant me by your some people ; ' 
 and gives her another on the other side. To it they 
 went with most masculine fury ; each husband ran 
 in. The wives immediately fell upon their husbands, 
 and tore periwigs and cravats. The company in- 
 terposed ; when (according to the slip-knot of ma- 
 trimony, which makes them return to one another 
 when any one puts in between) the ladies and their 
 husbands fell upon all the rest of the company ; and, 
 having beat all their friends and relations out of the 
 house, came to themselves time enough to know, 
 there was no bearing the jest of the place after these 
 adventures, and therefore marched off the next day. 
 It is said, the governor has sent several joints of
 
 262 TATLER. N° 36. 
 
 mutton, and has proposed divers dishes, very exqui- 
 sitely dressed, to bring them dow^n again. From 
 his address and knowledge in roast and boiled, all 
 our hopes of the return of this good company de- 
 pend. I am, dear Jenny, 
 
 Your ready friend and servant, 
 
 " Martha Tatler." 
 
 White's Chocolate- house, June 30. 
 
 This day appeared here a figure of a person whose 
 ^services to the fair sex have reduced him to a kind 
 of existence for which there is no name. If there be 
 a condition between life and death, without being 
 absolutely dead or living, his state is that. His 
 aspect and complexion, in his robust days, gave 
 him the illustrious title of Africanus ; but it is not 
 only from the warm climates in which he has 
 served, nor from the disasters which he has suf- 
 fered, that he deserves the same appellation with 
 that renowned Roman ; but that magnanimity with 
 which he appears in his last moments, is what gives 
 him the undoubted character of hero. Cato stabbed 
 himself, and Hannibal drank poison ; but our Afri- 
 canus lives in the continual puncture of aching bones 
 and poisoned juices. The old heroes fled from tor- 
 ments by death ; and this modern lives in death 
 and torments, with an heart wholly bent upon a 
 supply for remaining in them : an ordinary spirit 
 would sink under his oppressions, but he makes an 
 advantage of his very sorrow, and raises an income 
 from his diseases. Long has this worthy been con- 
 versant in battering, and knows that when stocks 
 are lowest it is the time to buy. Therefore, with 
 much prudence and tranquillity, he thinks that, 
 now he has not a bone sound, but a thousand no- 
 dous parts for which the anatomists have not words, 
 and more disease than the college ever heard of, it 
 is the only time to purchase an annuity for life. Sir
 
 N" 36. TATLER. 2G«J 
 
 Thomas told me it was an entertainment more sur- 
 prising and pleasant than can be imagined, to see an 
 inhabitant of neither world, without hand to lift, or 
 leg to move, and scarce a tongue to utter his meaning, 
 so keen upon biting the whole world, and making 
 bubbles at his exit. Sir Thomas added, that he 
 would have bought twelve shillings a year of him, but 
 that he feared there was some trick in it, and be- 
 lieved him already dead. " What," says the knight, 
 "is Mr. Partridge, whom I met just now, going on 
 both his legs firmer than I can, allowed to be quite 
 dead ; and shall Africanus, without one limb that 
 can do its office, be pronounced alive?" 
 
 What heightened the tragi-comedy of this market 
 for annuities was, ^hat the observation of it provoked 
 Monoculus (who is the most eloquent of all men) 
 to many excellent reflections : which he spoke with 
 the vehemence and language both of a gamester 
 and an orator. " When I cast, " said that delightful 
 speaker, "my eye upon thee, thou unaccountable 
 Africanus, 1 cannot but call myself as unaccoun- 
 table as thou art; for, certainly, we were born to 
 show what contradictions nature is pleased to form 
 in the same species. Here am I, able to eat, to 
 drink, to sleep, and to do acts of nature, except 
 begetting my like; and yet, by an unintelligible 
 force of spleen and fancy, I eveiy moment imagine 
 I am dying. It is utter madness in thee to provide 
 for supper; for I wdl bet you ten to one, you do 
 not live until half an hour after four; and yet I am 
 so distracted as to be in fear every moment; though 
 I will lay ten to three, I drink three pints of burnt 
 claret at your funeral three nights hence. After all, 
 I envy thee; thou who, dying, hast no sense of 
 death, art happier than one in health, who always 
 fears it." The knight had gone on, but that a third 
 man ended the scene, by applauding the knight's 
 eloquence and philosophy, in a laughter too violent
 
 264 TATLER. N" 37. 
 
 for his own constitution, as much as he mocked that 
 of Africanus and Monoculus. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, July 1. 
 This day arrived here three mails from Holland, 
 with advices relating to the affairs of the Low Coun- 
 tries ; which say, that the confederate army extends 
 from Louchin, on the causeway between Tournay 
 and Lisle, to Epain, near Mortagne on the Schelcl. 
 The Marshal Villars remains in his camp at Lens ,• 
 but it is said, he detached ten thousand men under 
 the command of the Chevalier de Luxemburg, with 
 orders to form a camp at Crepin on the Haine, be- 
 tween Conde and St. Guillain, where he is to be 
 joined by the Elector of Bavaria, with a body of 
 troops ; and, after their conjunction, to attempt to 
 march into Brabant. But they write from Brussels, 
 that the Duke of Marlborough, having it equally in 
 his power to make detachments to the same parts, 
 they are under no apprehensions from these reports 
 for the safety of their country. They further add 
 from Brussels, that they have good authority for 
 believing that the French troops under the conduct of 
 the Marshal de Bezons are retiring out of Spain. 
 
 N° 37. TUESDAY, JULY 5, 1709. 
 
 By Mrs. Jenny Distaff, Half-sister to 
 
 Mr. BiCKERSTAFF. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i, 85, 86, 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 White's Chocolate-honse , July 2. 
 It may be thought very unaccountable, that I, who 
 can never be supposed to go to White's, should pre-
 
 N^ST. TATLER. 265 
 
 tend to talk to you of matters proper lor, or in the 
 style of, that place. But though 1 never visit these 
 public haunts, I converse with those who do ; and, 
 for all they pretend so mush to the contrary, they 
 are as talkative as our sex, and as much at a loss 
 to entertain the present company, without sacrificing 
 the last, as we ourselves. This reflection has led 
 me into the consideration of the use of speech ; and 
 made me look over, in my memory, all my acquain- 
 tance of both sexes, to know to which I may more 
 Justly impute the sin of superfluous discourse in re- 
 gard to conversation, without entering into it as it 
 respects religion. 
 
 1 foresee, my acquaintance will immediately, upon 
 starting this subject, ask me, how I shall celebrate 
 Mrs. Alice Copswood, the Yorkshire huntress, who 
 is come to town lately, and moves as if she were on 
 her nag, and going to take a five-bar gate ; and is as 
 loud as if she were following her dogs ? I can easily 
 answer that; for, she is as soft as Damon, in com- 
 parison of her brother-in-law Tom Bellfrey, who is 
 the most accomplished man in this kingdom for all 
 gentleman-like activities and accomplishments. It 
 is allowed, that he is a professed enemy to the 
 Italian performers in musick : but then, for our own 
 native manner, according to the customs and known 
 usages of our island, he is to be preferred, for the 
 generality of the pleasure he bestows, much before 
 those fellows, though they sing to full theatres : 
 for, what is a theatrical voice to that of a fox-hunter ? 
 I have been at a musical entertainment in an open 
 field, where it amazed me to hear to what pitches 
 the chief masters would reach. There was a meet- 
 ing near our seat in Staftordshire, and the most emi- 
 nent of the counties of England were at it. How 
 wonderful was the harmony between men and dogs ! 
 Robin Cartail of Bucks was to answer to Jowler ; 
 Mr. Tinbreast of Cornwall was appointed to open 
 
 VOL. I, 2 A
 
 266 TATLER. ^"87. 
 
 with Sweetlips ; and Beau Slimber, a Londoner, 
 undertook to keep up with Trips, a whelp just set 
 in ; Tom Bellfrey and RingM'ood were coupled to- 
 gether, to fill the cry on all occasions, and be in at 
 the death of the fox, hare, or stag, for which both 
 the dog and the man were excellently suited, and 
 loved one another, and were as much together, as 
 Banister and King. When Jowler first alarmed the 
 field, Cartail repeated every note : Sweetlips' tre- 
 ble succeeded, and shook the wood : Tinbreast 
 echoed a quarter of a mile beyond it. We were 
 soon after all at a loss, until we rode up, and found 
 Trips and Slimber at a default in half-notes : but 
 the day and the tune was recovered by Tom Bell- 
 frey and Ringwood, to the great joy of us all, though 
 they drowned every other voice : for Bellfrey carries 
 a note four furlongs, three rods, and six paces, far- 
 ther than any other in England. 
 
 I fear the mention of this will be thought a di- 
 gression from my purpose about speech ; but I an- 
 swer, No. Since tliis is used where speech rather 
 should be employed, it may come into consideration 
 in the same chapter : for, Mr. Bellfrey being at a 
 visit where I was, viz. at his cousin's (Lady Dainty's) 
 in Soho-square, was asked, what entertainments 
 they had in the couniry? Now, Bellfrey is very 
 ignorant, and much a clown ; but confident withiil : 
 in a word, he struck up a fox-chace ; Lady Dainty's 
 dog, Mr. Sippet, as she calls him, started, jumped 
 out of his lady's lap, and fell a barking. Bellfrey 
 went on, and called all the neighbouring parishes 
 into the square. Never was a woman in such confu- 
 sion as that delicate lady : but there was no stop- 
 ping her kinsman. A room-full of ladies fell into the 
 most violent laughter ; my lady looked as if she 
 was shrieking: Mr. Sippet, in the middle of the 
 room, breaking his heart with barking, but all of 
 us unheard. As soon as Bellfrey became silent, up
 
 N" 37. TATLER, 267 
 
 gets my lady, and takes him by the arm, to lead 
 him off: Bellfrey was in his boots. As she was 
 hurrying him away, his spur, takes hold of her pet- 
 ticoat ; his wliip throws down a cabinet of china : 
 he cries, "What! are your crocks rotten? are your 
 petticoats ragged ? A man cannot walk in your house 
 for trincums." 
 
 Every county of Great Britain has one hundred or 
 more of this sort of fellows, who roar instead of 
 speaking : therefore, if it be true, that the women 
 are also given to a greater fluency of words than is 
 necessary, sure she that disturbs but a room or a 
 family, is more to be tolerated than one who draws 
 together whole parishes and counties, and some- 
 times (with an estate that might make him the 
 blessing and ornament of the world around him) 
 has no other view and ambition, but to be an ani- 
 mal above dogs and horses, without the relish of 
 any one enjoyment which is peculiar to the faculties 
 of human nature. I know it will here be said, that, 
 talking of mere country squires at this rate, is, as 
 it were, to write against Valentine and Orson. To 
 prove any thing against the race of men, you must 
 take them as they are adorned with education ; as 
 they live in Courts, or have received instructions in 
 Colleges. 
 
 But I am so full of my late entertainment by Mr. 
 Bellfrey, that I must defer pursuing this subject to 
 another day : and wave the proper observation upon 
 the dift'erent offenders in this kind ; some by profound 
 eloquence on small occasions, others by degrading 
 speech upon great circumstances. Expect, there- 
 fore, to hear of the whisperer without business, 
 the laughter without wit, the coniplainer without 
 receiving injuries, and a very large crowd, which I 
 shall not forestal, who are common (though not 
 commonly observed) impertinents, whose tongues 
 are two voluble for their brains, and are the general
 
 268 TATLER. N" 37. 
 
 despisers of us women, though we have their superiors 
 
 the men of sense, for our servants. 
 
 * * * 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, July 3. 
 
 A very ingenious gentleman was complaining this 
 evening, that the players are grown so severe critics, 
 that they would not take in his play, though it has 
 as many fine things in it as any play that has been 
 writ since the days of Dryden. He began his dis- 
 course about his play with a preface. 
 
 "There is," said he, "somewhat (however we 
 palliate it) in the very frame and make of us, that 
 subjects our minds to chagrin and irresolution on 
 any emergency of time or place. The difficulty 
 grows on our sickened imagination, under all the kill- 
 ing circumstances of danger and disappointment. 
 This we see, not only in the men of retirement and 
 fancy, but in the characters of the men of action : 
 with this only difference; the coward sees tlie dan- 
 ger, and sickens under it; the hero, warmed by the 
 difficulty, dilates, and rises in proportion to that, 
 and in some sort makes use of his very fears to dis- 
 arm it. A remarkable instance of this we have in 
 the great Cajsar, when he came to the Rubicon, and 
 was entering upon a part, perhaps, the most hazard- 
 ous he ever bore (certainly the most ungrateful), a 
 war with his countrymen. When his mind brooded 
 over personal att'ronts, perhaps his anger burned with 
 a desire of revenge : but when more serious reflec- 
 tions laid before him the hazard of the enterprise, 
 with the dismal consequences which were likely to 
 attend it, aggravated by a special circumstance, 
 'What figure it would bear in the world, or how be 
 excused to posterity? What shall he do?' — His 
 honour, which was his religion, bids him arm; and 
 he sounds the inclination of his party by this set 
 speech:
 
 N''37. TATLER. 269 
 
 C^SAR TO HIS PARTY AT THE RuBICON. 
 
 Great Jove ! attend ; and thou my native soil, 
 Safe in my triumphs, glutted in my spoil ; 
 Witness with what reluctance I oppose 
 My arms to thine, secure of other foes. 
 What passive breast can bear disgrace like mine? 
 Traitor? — For this I conquer'd on the Rhine, 
 Endur'd their ten years' drudgery in Gaul, 
 Adjourn'd their fate, and sav'd the Capitol. 
 I grew by every guiliy triumph less: 
 The crowd, whendrunk with joy, their souls express, 
 Impatient of the war, yet fear success. 
 Brave actions dazzle with too bright a ray ; 
 Like birds obscene they chatter at the day : 
 Giddy with rule, and valiant in debate. 
 They throw the die of war, to save the State. 
 And, Gods ! to gild ingratitude with fame, 
 Assume the patriot's, we the rebel's name. 
 Farewell, my friends ; your General, forlorn, 
 To your bare pity, and the public scorn, 
 Must lay that honour and his laurel down. 
 To serve the vain caprices of the gown ; 
 Expos'd to all indignities, the brave. 
 Deserve of those they glory'd but to save. 
 To rods and axes ! — No, the slaves can't dare 
 Play with my grief, and tempt my last despair. 
 This shall the honours which it won maintain. 
 Or do me justice, ere I hug my chain. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-honse, July 4. 
 There has arrived no mail since our last; so that 
 we have no manner of foreign new^s, except we were 
 to give you, for such, the many speculations which 
 are on foot concerning what was imported by the 
 last advices. There are, it seems, sixty battalions 
 and seventeen squadrons appointed to serve in the 
 siege of Tournay; the garrison of which place con- 
 sists of but eleven battalions and four squadrons. 
 Letters of the twenty-ninth of the last month, from 
 Berlin, have brought advice, that the Kings of Den- 
 mark and Prussia, and his Majesty Augustus, were 
 within few days to come to an interview at Potsdam. 
 These letters mention, that two Polish Princes, of 
 the family of Sapieha and Lubermirsky, lately ar- 
 
 2 A 3
 
 270 TATLER. N^ST. 
 
 rived from Paris, confirm the reports of the misery 
 in France for want of provisions, and give a particu- 
 lar instance of it; wiiich is, that on the day Mon- 
 sieur Rouille returned to Court, the common people 
 gathered in crowds about the Dauphin's coach, cry- 
 ing " Peace and bread, bread and peace." 
 
 \* Mrs. Distaff has taken upon her, while she 
 writes this paper, to turn her thoughts wholly to the 
 service of her own sex, and to propose remedies 
 against the greatest vexations attending female life. 
 She has for this end written a small treatise concern- 
 ing the Second Word, with an appendix on the use 
 of a Reply ; very proper for all such as are married 
 to persons either ill-bred or ill-natured. There is in 
 this tract a digression for the use of virgins, concern- 
 ing the words, I will. 
 
 A gentlewomen who has a very delicate ear, 
 wants a maid who can whisper, and help her in the 
 government of her family. If the said servant can 
 clear-starch, lisp, and tread softly, she shall hava 
 suitable encouragement in her wages. 
 
 N°38. THURSDAY, JULY 7, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Mrs. Jenny Distaff, Half-Sister to Mr. 
 
 BiCKERSTAFF. 
 
 From my own Apartment, July 6. 
 
 I FIND among my brother's papers the following 
 letters, verbatim, which I wonder how he could sup-
 
 N-'SS. TATLER. 27i 
 
 press so long as he has, since it was sent him for no 
 other end, but to show the good effect his writings 
 have alrea_dy had upon the ill customs of the age. 
 
 'Sir, London, June 23. 
 
 * The end of all public papers ought to be the 
 benefit and instruction, as well as the diversion of 
 the readers ; to which I see none so truly conducive 
 as your late performances ; especially those tending 
 to the rooting out from among us, that unchristian- 
 like and bloody custom of duelling ; which, that you 
 have already in some measure performed, will ap- 
 pear to the pubUc in the following no less true than 
 heroic story. 
 
 'A noble gentleman of this city, who has the 
 honour of serving his country as Major of the Train- 
 bands, being at the general mart of stock-jobbers, 
 called Jonathan's, endeavouring to raise himself (as 
 all men of honour ought) to the degree of colonel 
 at least ; it happened that he bought the bear of an- 
 other oificer, who, though not commissioned in the 
 army, yet no less eminently serves the public than 
 the other, in raising the credit of the kingdom by 
 raising that of the stocks. However, having sold 
 the bear, and words arising about the delivery, the 
 most noble Major, no less scorning to be out-witted 
 in the coffee-house, than to run into the Held, ac- 
 cording to method, abused the other with the titles 
 of rogue, villain, bear-skin man, and the like. 
 Whereupon satisfaction was demanded, and ac- 
 cepted ; so, forth the Major marched, commanding 
 his adversary to follow. To a most spacious room 
 in a sheriff's house, near the place of quarrel, they 
 come ; where, having due regard to what you have 
 lately published, they resolved not to shed one 
 another's blood in that barbarous manner you pro- 
 hibited ; yet not willing to put up affronts without 
 satisfaction, they stripped, and in a decent manner
 
 272 TATLER. N" 39. 
 
 fought full fairly with their wrathful hands. The 
 combat lasted a quarter of an hour ; in which time 
 victory was often doubtful, and many a dry blow 
 was strenuously laid on by each side, until the Major, 
 finding his adversary obstinate, unwilling to give 
 him further chastisement, with most shrill voice 
 cried out, " T am satisfied enough !" Whereupon 
 the combat ceased, and both were friends im- 
 mediately, 
 
 ' Thus the world may see, how necessary it is to 
 encourage those men, who make it their business to 
 instruct the people in every thing necessary for their 
 preservation. I am informed a body of worthy 
 citizens have agreed on an address of thanks to you, 
 for what you have writ on the foregoing subject, 
 whereby they acknowledge one of their highly- 
 esteemed officers preserved from death. 
 
 Your humble servant, 
 
 A. B.' 
 
 I fear the word bear is hardly to be understood 
 among the polite people ; but I take the meaning to 
 be, that one who insures a real value upon an ima- 
 ginary thing, is said to sell a bear, and is the same 
 thing as a promise among courtiers, or a vow between 
 lovers. I have writ to my brother to hasten to town ; 
 and hope that printing the letters directed to him, 
 which I know not how to answer, will bring him 
 speedily ; and, therefore, I add also the following : 
 
 ' MR. BICKERSTAFF, July 5, 1709. 
 
 ' You have hinted a generous intention of taking 
 under your consideration the whisperers without 
 business, and laughers without occasion; as you 
 tender the welfare of your country, I entreat you 
 not to forget or delay so public-spirited a work. 
 Now or never is the time. Many other calamities 
 may cease with the war ; but I dismally dread the 
 multiplication of these mortals under the ease and
 
 a" 38. TATLER. 27S 
 
 luxuriousness of a settled peace, half the blessing of 
 which may be destroyed by them. Their mistake 
 lies certainly here, in a wretched belief, that their 
 mimickry passes for real business, or true wit. 
 Dear Sir, convince them, that it never was, is, or 
 ever will be, either of them ; nor ever did, does, or to 
 all futurity ever can, look like either of them ; but 
 that it is the most cursed disturbance in nature, 
 which is possible to be inflicted on mankind, under 
 the noble definition of a social creature. In doing; 
 this. Sir, you will oblige more humble servants than 
 can find room to subscribe their names.' 
 
 White s Chocolate-house, July 6. 
 
 In pursuance of my last date from hence, I am 
 to proceed on the accounts I premised of several 
 personages among the men, whose conspicuous for- 
 tunes, or ambition in showing their follies, have ex- 
 alted them above their fellows : the levity of their 
 minds is visible in their every word and gesture, and 
 there is not a day passes but puts me in mind of 
 Mr.Wycherley's character of a coxcomb : ' He is ugly 
 all over, with the aft'ectation of the fine gentleman.' 
 Now though the women may put on softness in their 
 looks, or affected severity, or impertinent gaiety, or 
 pert smartness, their self-love and admiration cannot 
 under any of these disguises appear so invisible as 
 that of the men. You may easily take notice, that 
 in all their actions there is a secret approbation, 
 either in the tone of their voice, the turn of their body, 
 or cast of their eye, which shows that they are ex- 
 tremely in their own favour. 
 
 Take one of your men of business ; he shall keep 
 you half an hour with your hat oft", entertaining you 
 with his consideration of that aftair you spoke of to 
 him last, until he has drawn a crowd that observes 
 you in this grimace. Then, when he is public 
 enough, he immediately runs into secrets, and falls
 
 274 TATLER. N* 38. 
 
 a whispering. You and he make breaks with ad- 
 verbs ; as, ' But however, thus far ;' and then you 
 whisper again, and so on, until they who are about 
 you are dispersed, and your busy man's vanity is no 
 longer gratified, by the notice taken of what impor- 
 tance he is, and how inconsiderable you are! for 
 your pretender to business is never in secret, but in 
 public. 
 
 There is ray dear lord ^o-where, of all men the 
 most gracious and most obliging, the terror of valets 
 de chambre, whom he oppresses with good breeding, 
 by inquiring for my good lord, and for my good 
 lady's health. This inimitable courtier will whisper 
 a privy counsellor's lacquey with the utmost good- 
 ness and condescension to know when they next sit ; 
 and is thoroughly taken up, and thinks he has a part 
 in a secret, if he knows that there is a secret. 
 * What it is,' he will whisper you, that * time will 
 discover;' then he shrugs and calls you back 
 
 again ' Sir, I need not say to you, that these 
 
 things are not to be spoken of — — and harkye, no 
 names, I would not be quoted.' What adds to the 
 jest is, that his emptiness has its moods and seasons, 
 and he will not condescend to let you into these his 
 discoveries, except he is in very good humour, or 
 has seen somebody of fashion ta:lk to you. He will 
 keep his nothing to himself, and pass by and over- 
 look as well as the best of them ; not observing that 
 he is insolent when he is gracious, and obliging 
 when he is haughty. Show me a woman so incon- 
 siderable as this frequent character. 
 
 But my mind, now I am in, turns to many no 
 less observable : thou dear Will Shoe-string ! I 
 profess myself in love with thee ! how shall I speak 
 to thee ? how shall I address thee ? how shall I draw 
 thee ? thou dear outside ! Wdl you be combing 
 your wig, playing with your box, or picking your 
 teeth ? or choosest thou ratlier to be speaking ; to
 
 h" 28. TATLEK. 27-3 
 
 be speaking for thy only purpose in speaking, to 
 show your teeth ? Rub them no longer, dear Shoe- 
 string* : do not premeditate murder : do not for ever 
 whiten. Oh ! that for ray quiet and his own they 
 were rotten ! 
 
 But I will forget him, and give my hand to the 
 courteous Umbra. He is a tine man indeed, but 
 the soft creature bows below my apron-string, be- 
 fore he takes it ; yet, after the first ceremonies, he 
 is as familiar as my physician, and his insignificancy 
 makes me half ready to complain to him of all I 
 would to my doctor. He is so courteous, that he 
 carries half the messages of ladies' ails in town to 
 their midwives and nurses. He understands too the 
 art of medicine as far as to the cure of a pimple, or 
 a rash. On occasions of the like importance, he 
 is the most assiduous of all men living, in consulting 
 and searching precedents from family to family ; 
 then he speaks of his obsequiousness and diligence 
 in the style of real services. If you sneer at him, 
 and thank him for his great friendship, he bows, 
 and says, ' Madam, all the good oftices in my 
 power, while I have any knowledge or credit, shall 
 be at your service.' The consideration of so shal- 
 low a being, and the intent application with which 
 he pursues trifles, has made me carefully reflect 
 upon that sort of men we usually call an imper- 
 tinent: and 1 am, upon mature deliberation, so far 
 from being oftended with him, that I am really 
 obliged to him ; for though he will take you aside, 
 and talk half an hour to you upon matters wholly 
 insignificant, with the most solemn air, yet I con- 
 sider that these things are of weight in his imagina- 
 tion, and he thinks he is communicating what is for 
 my service. If, therefore, it be a just rule to judge 
 
 * Sir William Whitlocke, knt. Member for Oxon, Bencher 
 of the Middle Temple : he is the learned knight mentioned, 
 Tat. No.4».
 
 S76 TATLER. N" 38. 
 
 of a man, by his intention, according to the equity 
 of good breeding, he that is impertinently kind or 
 wise, to do you service, ought in return to have a 
 proportionable place, both in your affection and 
 esteem ; so that the courteous Umbra deserves the 
 favour of all his acquaintance ; for though he never 
 served them, he is ever willing to do it, and believes 
 he does it. 
 
 As impotent kindness is to be returned with all 
 our abilities to oblige ; so impotent malice is to be 
 treated with all our force to depress it. For this 
 reason. Fly-blow, (who is received in all the families 
 in town, through the degeneracy and iniquity of their 
 manners) is to be treated like a knave, though he is 
 one of the weakest of fools ; he has by rote, and at 
 second hand, all that can be said of any man of 
 figure, wit, and virtue, in town. Name a man of 
 worth, and this creature tells you the worst passage 
 of his life. Speak of a beautiful woman, and this 
 puppy will whisper the next man to him, though he 
 has nothing to say of her. He is a fiy that feeds on 
 the sore part, and would have nothing to live on if 
 the whole body were in health. You may know him 
 by the frequency of pronouncing the particle hut ; for 
 which reason I never heard him spoke of with com- 
 mon charity, without using my hut against him ; for 
 a friend of mine saying the other day, ' Mrs. DistaflF 
 has wit, good-humour, virtue, and friendship ;' this 
 oaf added, ' But she is not handsome.' Coxcomb! 
 the gentleman was saying what I was, not what I 
 was not. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, July 6. 
 
 The approaches before Tournay have been carried 
 on with great success; and our advices from the 
 camp before that place, of the eleventh instant, say, 
 that they had already made a lodgment on the glacis. 
 Two hundred boats were come up the Scheld with
 
 N" 39. TATLER. 277 
 
 the heavy artillery and ammunition, which would be 
 employed in dismounting: the enemy's defences, and 
 raised on the batteries the fifteenth. A great body 
 of miners are summoned to the camp, to counter- 
 mine the works of the enemy. We are convinced of 
 the weakness of the garrison by a certain account 
 that they called a council of war, to consult whether 
 it was not advisable to march into the citadel, and 
 leave the town defenceless. We are assured, that 
 when the confederate army was advancing towards 
 the camp of Marshal Villars, that general dispatched 
 a courier to his master with a letter, giving an ac- 
 count of their approach, which concluded with the 
 following words : ' The day begins to break, and your 
 Majesty's army is already in order of battle. Before 
 noon I hope to have the honour of congratulating- 
 your Majesty on the success of a great action : and 
 you shall be very well satisfied with the Marshal 
 Villars! 
 
 */ Mrs, Distaff hath received the Dialogue dated 
 Monday evening, which she has sent forward to Mr, 
 Bickerstaff at Maidenhead : and in the mean time 
 gives her service to the parties. 
 
 It is to be noticed, that when any part of this 
 paper appears dull, there is a design in it. 
 
 N° 39. SATURDAY, JULY 9, 1709. 
 
 Quicquid agunt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago libelli. 
 
 Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 
 
 By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esquire. 
 
 Grecian Coffee-house, July 7. 
 
 As I am called forth by the immense love 1 bear to 
 
 my follow-creatures, and the warm inclination I feel 
 
 VOL. J. 2 B
 
 27« TATLER. N" 30. 
 
 within me, to stem, as far as 1 can, the prevailing- 
 torrent of vice and ignorance ; so I cannot more pro- 
 perly pursue that noble impulse, than by setting forth 
 the excellence of virtue and knowledge, in their 
 native and beautiful colours. For this reason, I 
 made my late excursion to Oxford, where those 
 qualities appear in their highest lustre, and the only 
 pretences to honour and distinction. Superiority is 
 there given in proportion to men's advancement in 
 wisdom and learning; and that just rule of life is so 
 universally received among those happy people, that 
 you shall see an earl walk bareheaded to the son of 
 the meanest artificer, in respect to seven years' more 
 worth and knowledge than the nobleman is possessd 
 of. In other places they bow to men's fortunes, but 
 here to their understandings. It is not to be ex- 
 pressed, how pleasing the order, the discipline, the 
 regularity of their lives, is to a philosopher, who has 
 by many years experience in the world, learned to 
 condemn every thing but what is revered in this 
 mansion of select and well-taught spirits. The mag- 
 nificence of their palaces, the greatness of their re- 
 venues, the sweetness of their groves and retire- 
 ments, seemed, equally adapted for the residence of 
 princes and philosophers ; and a familiarity with ob- 
 jects of splendour, as well as places of recess, pre- 
 pares the inhabitants with an equanimity of their 
 future fortunes, whether humble or illustrious. How 
 was I pleased, when I looked round at St. Mary's, 
 and could, in the faces of the ingenious youth, see 
 ministers of state, chancellors, bishops, and judges. 
 Here only is human life ! Here only the life of man 
 is that of a rational being! Here men understand, 
 and are employed in works worthy their noble nature. 
 This transitory being passes away in an employment 
 not unworthy a future state, the contemplation of the 
 great decrees of Providence. Each man lives as if 
 he were to answer the questions made to Job, 'Where
 
 N" 39. TATLER. '210 
 
 wast thou when 1 laid the foundations of the earth? 
 Who shut up the sea with doors, and said, Hitherto 
 shalt thou come, and no farther ?' Such speculations 
 make life agreeable, and death welcome. 
 
 But, alas ! I was torn from this noble society by 
 the business of this dirty, mean world, and the cares 
 of fortune : for I was obliged to be in London against 
 the seventh day of the term, and accordingly govern- 
 ed myself by my Oxford almanack*, and came last 
 night; but find, to my great astonishment, that this 
 ignorant town began to term on the twenty-fourth of 
 the last month, in opposition to all the learning and 
 astronomy of the famous University of which 1 have 
 been speaking; according to which, the term cer- 
 tainly was to commence on the first instant. You 
 may be sure, a man, who has turned his studies, as I 
 have, could not be mistaken in point of time; for, 
 knowing I was to come to town in term, I examined 
 the passing moments very narrowly, and called an 
 eminent astronomer to my assistance. Upon very 
 strict observation we found, that the cold has been 
 so severe this last winter (which is allowed to have 
 a bedumbing quality), that it retarded the earth in 
 moving round, from Christmas to this season, full 
 seven days and two seconds. My learned friend 
 assured me farther, that the earth had lately received 
 a shock from a comet that crossed its vortex : which, 
 it it had come ten degrees nearer to us, had made 
 us lose this whole term. 1 was indeed once of 
 opinion that the Gregorian computation was the 
 most regular, as being eleven days before the 
 Julian ; but am now fully convinced, that we ought 
 to be seven days after the chancellor and judges, and 
 * The humour of this paper is not peculiarly restricted to 
 the Oxford Almanack for the year 1709: it is equally appli- 
 cable to all the Oxford Almanacks before or since that period, 
 being founded on the difference between the University terms 
 and the Law terms, just as ol)vious now as it was then ; as 
 may be seen by ctmiparing the Oxford with the London 
 Almanack.
 
 280 TATLER. N" 39. 
 
 eighteen before the pope of Rome ; and that the 
 Oxonian computation is the best of the three. 
 
 These are the reasons which I have gathered from 
 philosophy and nature ; to which I can add other 
 circumstances, in vindication of the account of this 
 learned body who publish this almanack. 
 
 It is notorious to philosophers, that joy and grief 
 can hasten and. delay time. Locke is of opinion, 
 that a man in great misery may so far lose his mea- 
 sure, as to think a minute an hour; or in joy make 
 an hour a minute. Let us examine the present case 
 by this rule, and we shall find, that the cause of this 
 general mistake in the British nation has been the 
 great success of the campaign, and the following 
 hopes of peace. Stocks ran so high at the Exchange, 
 that the citizens had gained three days of the courtiers ; 
 and we have indeed been so happy all this reign, that, 
 if the University did not rectify our mistakes, we 
 should think ourselves but in the second year of her 
 present Majesty. It would be endless to enumerate 
 the many damages that have happened by this igno- 
 rance of the vulgar. All the recognizances within the 
 diocese of Oxford have been forfeited, for not ap- 
 pearing on the first day of the fictitious term. The 
 University has been nonsuited, in their action against 
 the booksellers, for printing Clarendon in quarto. 
 Indeed, what gives me the most cpiick concern, is 
 the case of a poor gentleman, my friend, who was 
 the other day taken in execution by a set of ignorant 
 bailiffs. He should, it seems, have pleaded in the 
 first week of term ; but being a master of arts of 
 Oxford, he would not recede from the Oxonian com- 
 putation. He showed Mr. Broad the almanack, 
 and the very day when the term began : but the 
 merciless, ignorant fellow, against all sense and 
 learning, would hurry him away: he went indeed 
 quietly enough ; but he has taken exact notes of the 
 time of arrest, and sufficient witnessess of his being
 
 N°39. TATLER. ^ 281 
 
 carried into gaol ; and has, by advice of the recorder 
 of Oxford, brought his action; and we doubt not 
 but we shall pay them off with damages, and ble- 
 mish the reputation of Mr. Broad. We have one 
 convincing proof, which all that frequent the courts 
 of justice are witnesses of : the dog that comes con- 
 stantly to Westminster on the first day of the term, 
 did not appear until the first day according to the 
 Oxford Almanack; whose instinct I take to be a 
 better guide than men's erroneous opinions, which 
 are usually biassed by interest. 1 judge in this 
 case, as king Charles the second victualled his navy, 
 with the bread which one of his dogs chose of seve- 
 ral pieces thrown before him, rather than trust to the 
 asseverations of the victuallers. Mr. Cowper*, and 
 other learned counsel, have already urged the autho- 
 rity of this almanack, in behalf of their clients. We 
 shall, therefore, go on with all speed in our cause ; 
 and doubt not Chancery will give at the end what we 
 lost in the beginning, by protracting the term for us 
 until Wednesday come seven- night. And the 
 University orator shall for ever pray, &c. 
 
 From my own Apartment, July 31. 
 
 The subject of duels has, I find, been sta*rted with 
 so good success, that it has been the frequent sub- 
 ject of conversation among polite men ; and a dia- 
 logue of that kind has been transmitted to me, verba- 
 tim, as follows. The persons concerned in it are men 
 of honour and experience in the manners of men, 
 and have fallen upon the truest foundation, as well 
 as searched the bottom of this evil. 
 
 Mr. Sage. If it were in my power every man 
 that drew his sword, until in the service, or purely 
 to defend his life, person, or goods from violence (I 
 mean abstracted from all punctos or whims of 
 
 * Spencer Cowper, brother to the first Earl of the name ; at 
 that time a celebrated counsellor, and afterwards Chief Jus- 
 tice of the Common Pleas. 
 
 2 n 3
 
 282 TATLER. N° 39. 
 
 honour), should ride the wooden horse in the Tilt- 
 yard for such first oft'ence ; for the second stand in 
 the pillory; and for the third, be prisoner in Bedlam 
 for life. 
 
 Col. Plume. I remember that a rencounter, or 
 duel, was so far from being fashion among the officers 
 that served in a parliament-army, that on the contrary 
 it was as disreputable, and as great an impediment 
 to advancement in the service, as being bashful in 
 time of action. 
 
 Sir Mark. Yet I have been informed by some old 
 cavaliers, of famous reputation for brave and gallant 
 men, that they were much more in mode among 
 their party than they have been during this last war. 
 
 Col. Plume. That is true too. Sir. 
 
 Mr. Sage. By what you say, gentlemen, one 
 should think that our present military oflScers are 
 compounded of an equal proportion of both those 
 tempers ; since duels are neither quite discoun- 
 tenanced, nor much in vogue. 
 
 Sir Mark. That difference of temper in regard to 
 duels, which appears to have been between the 
 court and the parliament-men of the sword, was not 
 (I conceive) for want of courage in the latter, nor of 
 a liberal education, because there were some of the 
 best families in England engaged in that party; but 
 gallantry and mode, which glitter agreeably to the 
 imagination, were encouraged by the court, as pro- 
 moting its splendour ; and it was as natural that the 
 contrary party (who were to recommend themselves 
 to the public for men of serious and solid parts) 
 should deviate from every thing chimerical. 
 
 Mr. Sar/e. I have never read of a duel among the 
 Romans, and yet their nobility used more liberty 
 with their tongues than one may do now without 
 being challenged. 
 
 Sir Mark. Perhaps the llomans were of opinion, 
 that ill language and brutal manners reflected only
 
 N" 39. TATLER. 283 
 
 on those who were guilty of them : and that a man's 
 reputation was not at all cleared by cutting the per- 
 son's throat who had reliected upon it: but the cus- 
 tom of those times had hxed the scandal in the 
 action; whereas now it lies in the reproach. 
 
 Mr. Sage. And yet the only sort of duel that one 
 can conceive to have been fought upon motives truly 
 honourable and allowable, was that between the 
 Horatii and Curatii. 
 
 Sir Mark. Colonel Plume, pray, what was the 
 method of single combat in your time among the 
 cavaliers ? I suppose, that as the use of clothes con- 
 tinues, though the fashion of them has been mutable; 
 so duels, though still in use, have had in all times 
 their particular modes of performance. 
 
 Col. Plume. We had no constant rule, but 
 generally conducted our dispute and tilt according to 
 the last that had happened between persons of repu- 
 tation, among the very top follows for bravery and 
 gallantry. 
 
 Sir Mark. If the fashion of quarrelling and tilt- 
 ing was so often changing in your time, Colonel 
 Plume, a man might fight, yet lose his credit for 
 want of understanding the fashion. 
 
 Colonel Plume. Why, Sir Mark, in the beginning 
 of July a man would have been censured for want 
 of courage, or being thought indigent of the true 
 notions of honour, if he had put up words, which in 
 the end of September following, one could not resent 
 without passing for a brutal and quarrelsome fellow. 
 Sir Mark. But, Colonel, were duels or rencoun- 
 ters most in fashion in those days ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Your men of nice honour, Sir, were 
 for avoiding all censure of advantage which they 
 supposed might be taken in a rencounter ; therefore 
 they used seconds, who were to see that all was 
 upon the square, and make a faithful report of ihe 
 whole combat ; but in a little time it became a
 
 204 TATLER. N"39. 
 
 fashion for the seconds to fight, and I will tell you 
 how it happened. 
 
 Mr. Safie. Pray do. Colonel Plume, and the 
 method of a duel at that time ; and give us some 
 notion of the punctos upon which your nice men 
 quarrelled in those days. 
 
 Col. Plume. I was going to tell you, Mr. Sage, 
 that one Cornet Modish had desired his friend Cap- 
 tain Smart's opinion in some affair, but did not 
 follow it ; upon which Captain Smart sent Major 
 Adroit (a very topping fellow of those times) to the 
 person that had slighted his advice. The Major 
 never inquired into the quarrel because it was not 
 the manner then among the very topping fellows ; 
 but got two swords of an equal length, and then 
 waited upon Cornet Modish, desiring him to choose 
 his sword, and meet his friend Captain Smart. 
 Cornet Modish came with his friend to the place of 
 combat; there the principals put on their pumps, 
 and stripped to their shirts, to show that they had 
 nothing but what men of honour carry about them, 
 and then engaged. 
 
 Sir Mark. And did the seconds stand by. Sir? 
 
 Col. Plume. It was a received custom until that 
 time; but the swords of those days being pretty 
 long, and the principals acting on both sides upon 
 the defensive, and the morning being frosty, Major 
 Adroit desired that the other second, who was also 
 a very topping fellow^ would try a thrust or two, 
 only to keep them warm, until the principals had 
 decided the matter, which was agreed to by Modish's 
 second, who presently whipped Adroit through the 
 body, disarmed him, and then parted the principals, 
 who had received no harm at all. 
 
 Mr. i^age. But was not Adroit laughed at? 
 
 Col. Phime. On the contrary, the very topping 
 fellows were ever after of opinion, that no man, who 
 deserved that character, could serve as a second.
 
 N° 39. TATLER. 285 
 
 without fighting; and the Smarts and Modishos, 
 finding their account in it, the humour took without 
 opposition. 
 
 Mr. Sage. Pray, Colonel, how long did that 
 fashion continue ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Not long neither, Mr. Sage ; for, 
 as soon as it became a fashion, the very topping 
 fellows thought their honour reflected upon, if they 
 did not profter themselves as seconds when any of 
 their friends had a quarrel, so that sometimes there 
 were a dozen of a side. 
 
 Sir Mark. Bless me ! if that custom had con- 
 tinued, we should have been at a loss now for our 
 very pretty fellows ; for they seem to be the proper 
 men to officer, animate, and keep up an army. But, 
 pray. Sir, how did that sociable manner of tilting 
 grow out of mode ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Why, Sir, I v/ill tell you : it was 
 a law among the combatants, that the party which 
 happened to have the first man disarmed or killed, 
 should yield as vanquished : which some people 
 thought migiit encourage the Modishes and Smarts 
 in quarrelling to the destruction of only the very 
 topping fellows ; and as soon as this reflection was 
 started, the very topping fellows thought it an in- 
 cumbrance upon their honour to fight at all them- 
 selves. Since that time the Modishes and Smarts, 
 throughout all Europe, have extolled the French 
 king's edict. 
 
 Sir Mark. Our very pretty fellows, whom I take 
 to be the successors of the very topping fellows, 
 think a quarrel so little fashiorjable, that they will 
 not be exposed to it by any other man's vanity, or 
 want of sense. 
 
 Mr. Sage. But, Colonel, I have observed in your 
 account of duels, that there was a great exactness 
 in avoiding all advantage that might possibly be be- 
 tween the combatants.
 
 286 TATLEK. N" 39. 
 
 Col. Plume. That is true, Sir; for the weapons 
 were always equal. 
 
 Mr. Sage. Yes, Sir ; but suppose an active, 
 adroit, strong man had insulted an awkward, or a 
 feeble, or an unpractised sword's-man ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Then, Sir, they fought with pistols. 
 
 Mr. Sage. But, Sir, there might be a certain 
 advantage that way ; for a good marksman will be 
 sure to hit his man at twenty yards distance ; and a 
 man whose hand shakes (which is common to men 
 that debauch in pleasures, or have not used pistols 
 out of their holsters) will not venture to fire, unless 
 he touches'the person he shoots at. Now, Sir, I am 
 of opinion, that one can get no honour in killing a 
 man, if one has it all rvg, as the gamesters say, 
 when they have a trick to make the game secure, 
 though they seem to play upon the square. 
 
 Sir Mark. In truth, Mr. Sage, I thhik such a fact 
 must be murder in a man's own private conscience, 
 whatever it may appear to the world. 
 
 Col. Plume. I have known some men so nice, 
 that they would not tight but upon a cloak with 
 pistols. 
 
 Mr. Sage. I believe a custom well established 
 ' would outdo the grand Monarch's edict. 
 
 Sir Mark. And bullies would then leave off their 
 long swords. But I do not find that a very pretty 
 fellow can stay to change his sword when he is 
 insulted by a bully with a long Diego; though his 
 own at the same time be no longer than a penknife ; 
 which will certainly be the case if such little swords 
 are in mode. Pray, Colonel, how was it between 
 the hectors of your time, and the very topping- 
 fellows ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Sir, long swords happened to be 
 generally worn in those times. 
 
 Mr. Sage. In answer to what you were saying. 
 Sir Mark, give me leave to inform you, that your
 
 N" 39. TATLER. 'IHl 
 
 knights-errant (who were the very pretty fellows of 
 those antient times) thought they could not honour- 
 ably yield, though they had fought their own trustj^ 
 weapons to the stumps ; but would venture as boldly 
 with their page's leaden sword, as if it had been of 
 enchanted metal. Whence, I conceive, there must 
 be a spice of romantic gallantry in the composition 
 of that very pretty fellow. 
 
 Sir Mark. I am of opinion, Mr. Sage, that fashion 
 governs a very pretty fellow ; nature or common 
 sense, your ordinary persons, and sometimes men 
 of fine parts. 
 
 Mr. Sage. But what is the reason, that men of 
 the most excellent sense and morals, in other points, 
 associate their understandings with the very pretty 
 fellows in that chimajra of a duel ? 
 
 Sir Mark. There is no disputing against so great 
 a majority. 
 
 Mr. Sage. But there is no scruple. Colonel 
 Plume, and I have done. Do not you believe there 
 may be some advantage even upon a cloak with 
 pistols, which a man of nice honour would scruple 
 to take ? 
 
 Col. Plume. Faith, I cannot tell. Sir; but since 
 one may reasonably suppose that, in such a case, 
 there can be but one so far in the wrong as to oc- 
 casion matters to come to that extremity, I think 
 the chance of being killed should fall but on one ; 
 whereas, by their close and desperr:te manner of 
 fighting, it itay very probably happen to both. 
 
 Sir Mark. Why, gentlemen, if they are men of 
 such nice honour, and must fight, there will be no 
 fear of foul play, if they threw up cross or pile who 
 should be shot.
 
 288 TATLER. N" 40. 
 
 N° 40. TUESDAY, JULY 12, 1709. 
 
 Qtiicipiid agtmt homines 
 
 nostri est farrago lihelli. 
 
 Jcv. Sat. i. 85, 86. 
 
 Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, 
 
 Our motley paper seizes for its tlieme. P. 
 
 Will's Cojfee-hovse, July 11. 
 
 Letters from the city of London give an account 
 of a very great consternation that place is in at pre- 
 sent, by reason of a late inquiry made at Guildhall, 
 whether a noble person* has parts enough to de- 
 serve the enjoyment of a great estate of which he 
 is possessed ? The city is apprehensive, that this 
 precedent may go farther than was at first imagined. 
 The person against whom this inquisition is set up 
 by his relations, is a peer of a neighbouring king- 
 dom, and has in his youth made some few bulls, 
 by which it is insinuated that he has forfeited his 
 goods and chattels. This is the more astonishing, in 
 that there are many persons in the said city who are 
 still more guilty than his lordship, and who, though 
 they are idiots, do not only possess, but have also 
 themselves acquired great estates, contrary to the 
 known laws of this realm, which vest their posses- 
 sions in the crown. 
 
 There is a gentleman in the coffee-house, at this 
 time, exhibiting a bill in chancery against his fa- 
 ther's younger brother, who, by some strange magic, 
 has arrived at the value of half a plum, as the 
 citizens call an hundred thousand pounds ; and in 
 all the time of growing up to that wealth, was never 
 known in any of his ordinary words or actions to 
 
 * Ricliard, the fifth viscount Wenman.
 
 N" 40. TATLER. 289 
 
 discover any proof of reason. Upon this foundation 
 my friend has set forth, that he is illegally master 
 of his coffers, and has writ two epigrams to signify 
 his own pretensions and sufficiency for spending that 
 estate. He has inserted in his plea some things 
 which I fear will give offence ; for he pretends to 
 argue, that though a man has a little of the knave 
 mixed with the fool, he is nevertheless liable to the 
 loss of goods ; and makes the abuse of reason as 
 iust an avoidance of an estate as the total absence 
 of it. This is what can never pass ; but witty men 
 are so full of themselves, that there is no persuading 
 them ; and my friend will not be convinced, but 
 that upon quoting Solomon, who always used the 
 word fool as a term of the same signification with 
 unjust, and makes all deviation from goodness and 
 virtue to come under the notion of folly : I say, he 
 doubts not but by the force of this authority, let his 
 idiot uncle appear never so great a knave, he shall 
 prove him a fool at the same time. 
 
 This affair led the company here into an exami- 
 nation of these points ; and none coming here but 
 wits, what was asserted by a young lawyer, that a 
 lunatic is in the care of the chancery, but a fool in 
 that of the crown, was received with general indig- 
 nation. ' Why that ?' says old Renault. ' Why 
 that ? Why must a fool be a courtier more than 
 a madman ? This is the iniquity of this dull age. I 
 remember the time when it went on the mad side : 
 all your top wits were scourers, rakes, roarers, and 
 demolishers of windows. I knew a mad lord, who 
 was drunk five years together, and was the envy of 
 that age, who is faintly imitated by the dull pre- 
 tenders to vice and madness in this. Had he lived 
 to this day, there had not been a fool in fashion in 
 the whole kingdom.' When Renault had done 
 speaking, a very worthy man assumed the dis- 
 course : ' This is,' said he, ' Mr. Bickerstaff, a proper 
 
 VOL. I. 2 c
 
 290 TATLER. N° 40. 
 
 argument for you to treat of in your article from this 
 place ; and if you would send your Pacolet into all 
 our brains, you would find, that a little fibre or 
 valve, scarce discernible, makes the distinction be- 
 tween a politician and an idiot. We should there- 
 fore, throw a veil vipon those unhappy instances of 
 human nature, who seem to breathe without the 
 direction of reason and understanding, as we should 
 p.vert our eyes with abhorrence from such as live in 
 perpetual abuse and contradiction to those noble fa- 
 culties. Shall this unfortunate man be divested of 
 his estate, because he is tractable and indolent, runs 
 in no man's debt, invades no man's bed, nor spends 
 the estate he owes his children and his character ; 
 when one who shews no sense above him, but in 
 such practices, shall be esteemed in his senses, and 
 possibly may pretend to the guardianship of him 
 who is no ways his inferior, but in being less wicked? 
 We see old age brings us indifferently into the same 
 impotence of soul, wherein nature has placed this 
 lord.' 
 
 There is something very fantastical in the distri- 
 bution of civil power and capacity among men. 
 The law certainly gives these persons into the w^ard 
 and care of the crown, because that is best able to 
 protect them from injuries, and the impositions of 
 craft and knavery ; that the life of an idiot may not 
 ruin the entail of a noble house, and his weakness 
 may not frustrate the industry or capacity of the 
 founder of his family. But when one of bright 
 parts, as we say, with his eyes open, and all men's 
 eyes upon him, destroys those purposes, there is no 
 remedy. Folly and ignorance are punished ! folly 
 and guilt are tolerated ! Mr. Locke has somewhere 
 made a distinction between a madman and a fool : 
 a fool is he that from right principles makes a wrong 
 conclusion ; but a madman is one who draws a just 
 jnferer.ee from false principles. Thus the fool who
 
 N" 40. TATLER. 291 
 
 cut off the fellow's head that lay asleep, and hid it, 
 and then waited to see what he would say when he 
 awaked and missed his head-piece, was in the right 
 in the first thought, that a man would be surprised 
 to find such an alteration in things since he fell 
 asleep ; but he was a little mistaken to imagine he 
 could awake at all after his head was cut off. A 
 madman fancies himself a prince ; but upon his 
 mistake, he acts suitable to that character ; and 
 though he is out in supposing he has principalities, 
 while he drinks gruel, and lies in straw, yet you 
 shall see him keep the port of a distressed monarch 
 in all his words and actions. These two persons 
 are equally taken into custody : but what must be 
 done to half this good company, who every hour of 
 their life are knowingly and wittingly both fools and 
 madmen, and yet have capacities both of forming 
 principles, and drawing conclusions, with the full 
 use of reason ? 
 
 From my own Apartment, July 11 . 
 
 This evening some ladies came to visit my sister 
 Jenny ; and the discourse after very many frivolous 
 and public matters, turned upon the main point 
 among the women, the passion of love. Sappho, 
 who always leads on this occasion, began to show 
 her reading, and told us, that Sir John Suckling 
 and Milton had, upon a parallel occasion, said the 
 tenderest things she ever read. ' The circumstance,' 
 said she, ' is such as gives us a notion of that pro- 
 tecting part, which is the duty of men in their ho- 
 nourable designs upon, or possession of women. 
 [n Suckling's tragedy of Brennoralt he makes the 
 lover steal into his mistress's bedchamber, and draw 
 the curtains ; then, when his heart is full of her 
 charms, as she lies sleeping, instead of being car- 
 ried away by the violence of his desires into thoughts 
 of a warmer nature, sleep, which is the image of
 
 292 TATLER. N" 40. 
 
 death, gives this generous lover reflections of a dif- 
 ferent kind, which regard rather her safety than his 
 own passion. For, beholding her as she lies sleeping, 
 he litters these words : 
 
 " So misers look upon their gold, 
 
 Which, wliile they joy to see, they fear to lose, 
 
 The pleasure of the sight scarce equalling 
 
 The jealousy of being dispossessed by others. 
 
 Her face is like the milky way i'the sky. 
 
 A meeting of gentle lights without name !" 
 
 " Heav'n ! shall this fresh ornament of the world, 
 
 These precious love lines, pass with other common things 
 
 Amongst the wastes of time? what pity 'twere." 
 
 ' When Milton makes Adam leaning on his arm, 
 beholding Eve, and lying in the contemplation of 
 her beauty, he describes the utmost tenderness and 
 guardian affection in one word ; 
 
 " Adam, with looks of cordial love, 
 Hung over her enamour'd." 
 
 * This is that sort of passion which truly deserves 
 the name of love, and has something more generous 
 than friendship itself; for it has a constant care of 
 the object beloved, abstracted from its own interests 
 in the possession of it. 
 
 Sappho was proceeding on the subject, when my 
 sister produced a letter sent to her in the time of my 
 absence, in celebration of the marriage state, which 
 is the condition wherein only this sort of passion 
 reigns in full authority. This epistle is as follows : 
 
 ' Dear Madam, 
 
 ' Your brother being absent, I dare take 
 the liberty of Avriting to you my thoughts of that 
 state, which our whole sex either is, or desires to 
 be in. You will easily guess I mean matrimony, 
 which I hear so much decried, that it was with no 
 small labour I maintained my ground against two op-
 
 N° 40. TATLER. 293 
 
 ponents ; but, as your brother observed of Socrates, 
 I drew them into my conchision, from their owu 
 concessions ; thus : 
 
 " In marriage are two happy things allow'd, 
 A wife in wedding sheets, and in a shroud. 
 How can a marriage state then be accurs'd, 
 Since the last day's as happy as the first?" 
 
 * If you think they were too easily confuted, you 
 may conclude them not of the first sense, by their 
 talking against marriage. Yours, 
 
 MARIANA.' 
 
 I observed Sappho began to redden at this epistle : 
 ^nd turning to a lady, who was playing with a dog 
 she was so fond of as to carry him abroad with her : 
 * Nay,' says she, ' I cannot blame the men if they 
 have mean ideas of our souls and affections, and 
 wonder so many are brought to take us for compa 
 nions for life, when they see our endearments so 
 triflingly placed ; for to my knowledge, Mr. Truman 
 would give half his estate for half the affection 
 you have shown to that Shock ; nor do I believe 
 you would be ashamed to confess, that I saw you 
 cry, when he had the colic last week with lapping 
 sour milk. What more could you do for your lover 
 himself?' ' What more !' replied the lady, ' There 
 is not a man in England for whom I could lament 
 half so much.' Then she stifled the animal with 
 kisses, and called him beau, life, dear monsieur, pretty 
 fellow, and what not, in the hurry of her imperti- 
 nence. Sappho rose up ; as she always does at any 
 thing she observes done which discovers in her own 
 sex a levity of mind, that renders them inconsiderable 
 in the opinion of ours. 
 
 2 C 3
 
 294 TATLER. N" 41. 
 
 N°41. THURSDAY, JULY 14, 1709. 
 
 Celebrare domestica facta. 
 
 To celebrate domestic deeds. N. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, July 12. 
 
 There is no one thing more to be lamented in our 
 nation, than their general affectation of every thing 
 that is foreign ; nay, we carry it so far, that we are 
 more anxious for our own countrymen when they 
 have crossed the seas, than when we see them in the 
 same dangerous condition before our eyes at home : 
 else how is it possible, that on the twenty-ninth of 
 the last month, there should have been a battle 
 fought in our very streets of London, and nobody at 
 this end of the town has heard of it? I protest, I 
 who make it ray business to inquire after adventures, 
 should never have known this had not the following 
 account been sent to me inclosed in a letter. This, 
 it seems, is the way of giving out orders in the 
 Artillery-company ; and they prepare for a day ot 
 action with so little concern, as only to call it, ' An 
 exercise of arms.' 
 
 ' An Exercise at Arms of the Artillery-company, 
 to be performed on Wednesday, June the twen- 
 ty-ninth, 1709, under the command of Sir Jo- 
 seph Woolfe, Knight and Alderman, General ; 
 Charles Hopson, Esquire, present Sheriff, Lieu- 
 tenant-general; Captain Richard Synge, Major; 
 Major John Shorey, Captain of Grenadiers; 
 Captain William Grayhurst, Captain John But- 
 ler, Captain Robert Carellis, Captains. 
 
 ' The body marched from the Artillery ground 
 through Moorgate, Coleman-street, Lotbury, Broad- 
 street, Finch-lane, Cornhill, Cheapside, St. Martin's,
 
 N° 41. TATLER. 295 
 
 St. Ann's lane, halt the pikes under the wall in 
 Noble-street, draw up the Hrelocks facing the Gold- 
 smith's-hall, make ready and face to the left, and 
 fire ; and so ditto three times. Beat to arms, and 
 march round the hall, as up Lad-lane, Gutter-lane, 
 Honey-lane, and so wheel to the right, and make 
 your salute to my lord, and so down St. Ann's- 
 lane, up Aldersgate-street, Barbican, and draw up 
 in Red-cross-street, the right at St. Paul's-alley in 
 the rear. March off lieutenant-general with half 
 the body up Beech-lane; he sends a sub-division 
 up King's-head-court, and takes post in it, and 
 marches two divisions round into Red-lion-market, 
 to defend that pass, and succour the division in 
 King's-head-court ; but keeps in White-cross-street, 
 facing Beech-lane, the rest of the body ready drawn 
 up. Then the general marches up Beech-lane, is 
 attacked, but forces the division in the court into 
 the market, and enters with three divisions, while 
 he presses the lieutenant-general's main body; and 
 at the same timt^^the three divisions force those of 
 the revolters out of the market, and so all the lieu- 
 tenant-general's body retreats into Chiswell-street, 
 and lodges two divisions in Grub-street ; and as the 
 general marches on, they fall on his flank, but soon 
 made to give way: but having a retreating-place 
 in Red-lion-court, but could not hold it, being put 
 to flight through Paul's-alley, and pursued by the 
 general's grenadiers, while he marches up and at- 
 tacks their main body, but are opposed again by a 
 party of men that lay in Black-raven-court; but they 
 are forced also to retire soon in the utmost confu- 
 sion, and at the same time, those brave divisions in 
 Paul's-alley ply their rear with grenadoes, that with 
 precipitation they take to the rout along Bunhill- 
 row : so the general marches into the Artillery- 
 ground, and being drawn up, finds the revolting 
 party to have founil entrance, and makes a show as
 
 '29G TATLER. N° 41. 
 
 if for a battle, and both armies soon engage in form, 
 and fire by platoons.' 
 
 Much might be said for the improvement of this 
 system ; which, for its style and invention, may in- 
 struct generals and their historians, both in fighting 
 a battle, and describing it w^hen it is over. These 
 elegant .expressions ' ditto — and so — but soon — but 
 having— but could not — but are — but they — finds 
 the party to have found,' »!tc. do certainly give great 
 life and spirit to the relation. 
 
 Indeed, I am extremely concerned for the lieu- 
 tenant-general, who, by his overthrow and defeat, 
 is made a deplorable instance of the fortune of war, 
 and vicissitudes of human affairs. He, alas ! has 
 lost, in Beech-lane and Chiswell-street, all the glory 
 he lately gained in and about Holborn and St. 
 Gdes's. The art of subdividing first and dividing 
 afterwards, is new and surprising ; and according to 
 this method, the troops are disposed in King's-head- 
 court and Red-lion-market : nor is the conduct of 
 these leaders less conspicuous in their choice of the 
 ground or field of battle. Happy was it, that the 
 greatest part of the achievements of this day was 
 to be performed near Grub-street, that there might 
 not be wanting a sufficient number of faithful his- 
 torians, who, being eye-witnesses of these wonders, 
 should impartially transmit them to posterity ! But 
 then, it can never be enough regretted, that we are 
 left in the dark as to the name and title of that ex- 
 traordinary hero, who commanded the divisions in 
 Paul's-alley ; especially because those divisions are 
 justly styled brave, and accordingly were to push 
 the enemy along Bunhiil-row, and thereby occasion 
 a general battle. But Pallas appeared in the form 
 of a shower of rain, and prevented the slaughter and 
 desolation which were threatened by these extra- 
 ordinary preparations. 
 
 1
 
 N' 41. TATLER. 297 
 
 Hi motus animorum, atque hcec certamina tanta 
 Pulveris exiguijactu compressa quiescunt. 
 
 ViRG. Georg. iv. 86. 
 
 Yet all those dreadful deeds, this doubtful fray, 
 A cast of scatter'd dust will soon allay. 
 
 Dryden. 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, July 13. 
 
 Some part of the company keep up the old way of 
 conversation in this place, which usually turned 
 ujjon the examination of nature, and an inquiry into 
 the manners of men. There is one in the room so 
 very judicious, that he manages impertinents with 
 the utmost dexterity. It was diverting this evening 
 to hear a discourse between him and one of these 
 gentlemen. He told me, before that person joined 
 us, that he was a questioner, who, according to his 
 description, is one who asks questions, not with a 
 design to receive information, but an affectation to 
 show his uneasiness for want of it. He went on in 
 asserting, that there are crowds of that modest am- 
 bition, as to aim no farther than to demonstrate that 
 they are in doubt. By this time Will Whynot was 
 sat down by us. ' So, gentlemen,' says he, * in 
 how many days think you shall we be masters of 
 Tournay ? Is the account of the action of the 
 Vivarois to be depended upon ? Could you have 
 imagined England had so much money in it as you 
 see it has produced ? Pray, Sirs, what do you think? 
 Will the Duke of Savoy make an irruption into 
 France ? But,' says he, ' time will clear all these 
 mysteries.' His answer to himself gave me the 
 altitude of his head, and to all his questions I thus 
 answered very satisfactorily. — ' Sir, have you heard 
 that this Slaughterford* never owned the fact for 
 which he died .' Have the newspapers mentioned 
 that matter? But, pray, can you tell me what me- 
 
 • A fellow hanged for the murder of his sweatheart.
 
 298 TATLER. N** 41. 
 
 thod will be taken to provide for these Palatines ? 
 But this, as you say, time will clear.' * Ay, ay,' 
 says he, and whispers me, ' they will never let us 
 into these things beforehand.' I whispered him 
 again, ' We shall know it as soon as there is a pro- 
 clamation.' — - — He tells me in the other ear, ' You 
 are in the right of it.' Then he whispered my friend, 
 to know what my name was : then made an oblig- 
 ing bow, and went to examine another table. This 
 led my friend and me to weigh this wandering man- 
 ner in many other incidents, and he took out of his 
 pocket several little notes or tickets to solicit for 
 votes to employments : as, Mr. John Taplash hav- 
 ing served all offices, and being reduced to great 
 poverty, desires your vote for singing clerk of this 
 parish. Another has had ten children, all whom his 
 wife has suckled herself; therefore humbly desires 
 to be a school-master.' 
 
 There is nothing so frequent as this way of appli- 
 cation for offices. It is not that you are fit for the 
 place, but because the place would be convenient 
 for you, that you claim a merit to it. But commend 
 me to the great Kirleus, who has lately set up for 
 midwifery, and to help childbirth, for no other 
 reason, but that he is himself the ' Unborn Doctor.' 
 The way is, to hit upon something that puts the 
 vulgar upon the stare, or touches their compassion, 
 which is often the weakest part about us. I know a 
 good lady, who has taken her daughters from their 
 old dancing-master, to place them with another, for 
 no other reason, but because the new man has broke 
 his leg, which is so ill set, that he can never dance 
 more. 
 
 From my own Apartment, July 13. 
 
 As it is a frequent mortification to me to receive 
 letters, wherein people tell me, without a name, they 
 know I meant them in such and such a passage ; so 
 that very accusation is an argument, that there are
 
 N" 42. TATLER. 299 
 
 such beings in human life, as fall under our descrip- 
 tion, and that our discourse is not altogether fantas- 
 tical and groundless. But in this case I am treated 
 as I saw a boy was the other day, who gave out 
 pocky bills : every plain fellow took it that passed 
 by, and went on his way without further notice : 
 and at last came one with his nose a little abridged ; 
 who knocks the lad down, with a ' Why, you son 
 of a w— — e, do you think I am p — d V But Shak- 
 speare has made the best apology for this way of 
 talking against the public errors : he makes Jacques, 
 in the play called, « As you like it, express himself 
 thus : 
 
 ' Why, who cries out on pride, 
 
 That can therein tax any private party ? 
 
 What woman in the city do I name, 
 
 When that I say, the city woman bears 
 
 The cost of princes on unworthy shoulders? 
 
 Who can come in and say that 1 mean her, 
 
 When such a one as she, such is her neighbour? 
 
 Or, what is he of basest function, 
 
 That says his bravery is not on my cost? 
 
 Thinking that I mean liim, but therein suits 
 
 His folly to the mettle of my speech. 
 
 There then ! How then ? Then let me see wherein 
 
 My tongue hath wrong'd him : if it do him right, 
 
 Then he hath wrong'd himself: if he be free, 
 
 Why then my taxing like a wild goose flies, 
 
 Unclaim'd of any man. 
 
 N° 42. SATURDAY, JULY 16, 1709. 
 
 Celebrare domestics facta. 
 
 ' To celebrate domestic deeds.' N. 
 
 From my oum Apartment, July 15. 
 
 Looking over some old papers, I found a little 
 treatise, written by my great-grandfather, concern-
 
 300 TATLER. N" 42. 
 
 ing bribery, and thought his manner of treating that 
 subject not unworthy my remark. He there has a 
 digression concerning a possibility, that in some 
 circumstances a man may receive an injury, and yet 
 be conscious to himself that he deserves it. There 
 are abundance of fine things said on the subject ; 
 but the whole wrapped up in so much jingle and pun, 
 which was the wit of those times, that it is scarce 
 intelligible ; but I thought the design was well 
 enough in the following sketch of an old gentleman's 
 poetry : for in this case, where two are rivals for 
 the same thing, and propose to obtain it by presents, 
 he that attempts the judge's honesty, by making him 
 offers of reward, ought not to complain when he 
 loses his cause by a better bidder. The good old 
 doggrel runs thus : 
 
 ' A poor man once a judge besought 
 
 To judge aright his cause, 
 And with a pot of oil salutes 
 
 This judger of the laws. 
 
 " My friend," quoth he, " thy cause is good :" 
 
 He glad away did trudge ; 
 Anon his wealthy foe did come 
 
 Before this partial judge, 
 ' A hog well fed this churl presents, 
 
 And craves a strain of law ; 
 The hog received, the poor man's right 
 
 Was judg'd not worth a straw. 
 
 ' Therewith he cried, " O ! partial judge. 
 
 Thy doom has me undone : 
 When oil I gave, my cause was good, 
 
 But now to ruin run." 
 
 " Poor man," quoth he, " I thee forgot. 
 And see thy cause of foil : 
 ; A hog came since into my house, 
 
 And broke thy pot of oil."* 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, July 15. 
 
 The discourse happened this evening to fall upon 
 characters drawn in plays ; and a gentleman re- 
 
 * From George Whetstone's " English Mirror," &c. Lon- 
 don, 1.586, 4to. 
 
 i
 
 N" 24. TATLER. 301 
 
 marked, that there was no method ia the world of 
 knowing the taste of an age, or period of time, so 
 good, as by the observations of the persons repre- 
 sented in their comedies. There were several in- 
 stances produced, as Ben Jonson's bringing in a 
 fellow smoking, as a piece of foppery ; ' but,' said 
 the gentleman who entertained us on this subject, 
 * this matter is no where so observable as in the dif- 
 ference of the characters of women on the stage in 
 the last age, and in this. It is not to be supposed 
 that it was a poverty of genius in Shakespeare, that 
 his women made so small figure in his dialogues ; 
 but it certainly is, that he drew women as they then 
 were in life ; for that sex had not in those days that 
 freedom in conversation ; and their characters were 
 only, that they were mothers, sisters, daughters, 
 and wives. There were not then among the ladies, 
 shining wits and politicians, virtuosce, free-thinkers, 
 and disputants ; nay, there was hardly such a crea- 
 ture even as a coquette : but vanity had quite ano- 
 ther turn, and the most conspicuous woman at that 
 time of day was only, the best housewife. Were it 
 possible to bring into life an assembly of matrons of 
 that age, and introduce the learned Lady Woodby 
 into their company, they would not believe the same 
 nation could produce a creature so unlike any thing 
 they ever saw in it. 
 
 ' But these ancients would be as much astonished 
 to see in the same age so illustrious a pattern to all 
 who love things praise-worthy as the divine As- 
 pasia.* Methinks, I now see her walking in her 
 garden like our first parent, with unaffected charms, 
 
 * The character of Aspasia was written by Mr. Congreve ; 
 and the person meant was Lady Elizabeth Hastings. See 
 the authority for this, with an edifying account of this extra- 
 ordinary lady, and her benefactions, in a book in folio, en- 
 titled, "Memorials and Characters, &c." London, 1741, 
 printed for John Wilford, p. 7S0. 
 
 VOL. I. 2 n
 
 302 TATLER. N" 42. 
 
 before beauty had spectators, and bearing celestial 
 conscious virtue in her aspect. Her countenance 
 is the lively picture of her mind, w^hich is the seat 
 of honour, truth, compassion, knowledge, and in- 
 nocence. 
 
 " There dwell, the scorn of vice, and pity too." 
 
 In the midst of the most ample fortune, and vene- 
 ration of all that behold and know her, without the 
 least affectation, she consults retirement, the con- 
 templation of her own being, and that Supreme 
 Power which bestowed it. Without the learning of 
 schools, or knowledge of a long course of argu- 
 ments, she goes on in a steady course of uninter- 
 rupted piety and virtue, and adds to the severity 
 and privacy of the last age all the freedom and ease 
 of this. The language and mien of a court she is 
 possessed of in the highest degree ; but the sim- 
 plicity and humble thoughts of a cottage are her 
 more welcome entertainments. Aspasia is a female 
 philosopher, who does not only live up to the resig- 
 nation of the most retired lives of the ancient sages, 
 but also to the schemes and plans which they thought 
 beautiful, though inimitable. This lady is the most 
 exact economist, without appearing busy ; the most 
 strictly virtuous, without tasting the praise of it; 
 and shuns applause with as much industry, as others 
 do reproach. This character is so particular, that it 
 will very easily be fixed on her only, by all that 
 know her; but J dare say, she will be the last that 
 finds it out. 
 
 ' But, alas ! if we have one or two such ladies, 
 how many dozens are there like the restless Polu- 
 glossa, who is acquainted with all the world but 
 herself; who has the appearance of all, and pos- 
 session of no one virtue : she has, indeed, in her 
 practice the absence of vice, but her discourse is the 
 continual history of it : and it is apparent, when she 
 speaks of the criminal gratifications of others, that 
 her innocence is only a restraint, with a certain mix-
 
 N" 42. TATLER. 303 
 
 ture of envy. She is so perfectly opposite to the 
 character of Aspasia, that as vice is terrible to her 
 only as it is the object of reproach, so virtue is 
 agreeable only as it is attended with applause.' 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, Jtily 15. 
 
 It is Tiowf twelve of the clock at noon, and no mail 
 come in ; therefore, I am not without hopes that the 
 town will allow me the liberty which my brother 
 news-writers take, in giving them what may be for 
 their information in another kind, and indulge me in 
 doing an act of friendship, by publishing the follow- 
 ing account of goods and moveables. 
 
 '%* This is to give notice, that a magnificent 
 palace, with great variety of gardens, statues, and 
 water-works, may be bought cheap in Drury-lane, 
 where there are likewise several castles to be dis- 
 posed of, very delightfully situated ; as also groves, 
 woods, forests, fountains, and country-seats, with 
 very pleasant prospects on all sides of them ; being 
 the moveables of Christopher Rich, Esquire, who 
 is breaking up house-keeping, and has many curious 
 pieces of furniture to dispose of, which may be seen 
 between the hours of six and ten in the evening. 
 
 THE INVENTORY. 
 
 Spirits of right Nantz brandy, for lambent flames 
 and apparitions. 
 
 Three bottles and a half of lightning. 
 
 One shower of snow in the whitest French paper. 
 
 Two showers of a browner sort. 
 
 A sea, consisting of a dozen large waves ; the 
 tenth bigger than ordinary, and a little damaged. 
 
 A dozen and a half of clouds, trimmed with black, 
 and well-conditioned. 
 
 A rainbow, a little faded. 
 
 A set of clouds after the French mode, streaked 
 with lightning, and furbelowed. 
 
 A new moon something decayed.
 
 304 TATLER. N" 42. 
 
 A pint of the finest Spanish wash, being all 
 that is left out of two hogsheads sent over last 
 winter. 
 
 A coach very finely gilt, and little used, with a 
 pair of dragons, to be sold cheap. 
 
 A setting-sun, a pennyworth. 
 
 An imperial mantle made for Cyrus the Great, and 
 worn by Julius Caesar, Bajazet, King Harry the 
 Eighth, and Signor Valentini. 
 
 A basket-hilted sword, very convenient to carry 
 milk in. 
 
 Roxana's night-gown. 
 
 Othello's handkerchief. 
 
 The imperial robes of Xerxes, never worn but once. 
 
 A wild boar killed by Mrs. Tofts and Dioclesian. 
 
 A serpent to sting Cleopatra. 
 
 A mustard-bowl to make thunder with. 
 
 Another of a bigger sort, by Mr. D s's* 
 
 directions, little used. 
 
 Six elbow-chairs, very expert in country-dances, 
 with six flower-pots for their partners. 
 
 The whiskers of a Turkish Bassa. 
 
 The complexion of a murderer in a bandbox ; con- 
 sisting of a large piece of burnt cork, and a coal- 
 black peruke. 
 
 A suit of clothes for a ghost, viz. a bloody shirt, 
 a doublet curiously pinked, and a coat with three 
 great eyelet-holes upon the breast. 
 
 A bale of red Spanish wool. 
 
 Modern plots, commonly known by the name of 
 trap-doors, ladders of ropes, vizard-masques, and 
 tables with broad carpets over them. 
 
 Three oak-cudgels, with one of crab-tree ; ail 
 bought for the use of Mr. Pinkethman. 
 
 Materials for dancing; as masques, castanets, and 
 a ladder of ten rounds. 
 
 Aurengezebe's scymitar, made by Will. Brown 
 in Piccadilly. 
 
 * John Dennis, the celebrated critic.
 
 N" 43. TATLER. 305 
 
 A plume of feathers, never used but by Oedipus 
 and the Earl of Essex. 
 
 There are also swords, halberds, sheep-hooks, 
 
 cardinals' hats, turbans, drums, gallipots, a gibbet, 
 
 a cradle, a rack, a cart-wheel, an altar, an helmet, 
 
 a back-piece, a breast-plate, a bell, a tub, and a 
 
 jointed baby. 
 
 These are the hard shifts we intelligencers are 
 forced to ; therefore our readers ought to excuse us, 
 if a \vesterly wind, blowing for a fortnight together, 
 generally fills every paper with an order of battle ; 
 when we show our martial skill in every line, and 
 according to the space we have to fill, we range our 
 men in squadrons and battalions, or draw out com- 
 pany by company, and troop by troop ; ever ob- 
 serving that no muster is to be made, but when the 
 wind is in a cross-point, which often happens at the 
 end of a campaign, when half the men are deserted 
 or killed. The Courant is sometimes ten deep, his 
 ranks close : the Post-boy is generally in files, for 
 greater exactness ; and the Post-man comes down 
 upon you rather after the Turkish way, sword in 
 hand, pell-mell, without form or discipline ; but sure 
 to bring men enough into the field ; and wherever 
 they are raised, never to lose a battle for want of 
 numbers. 
 
 ]\° 43. TUESDAY, JULY 19, 1709. 
 
 — —Bene nummatum decorat Suadcla Vetiusque. 
 
 HOR. 
 
 The goddess of persuasion forms his train. 
 And Venus decks the -well-benioney'd swain. 
 
 FRANCIS. 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, July 18. 
 
 i WRITE from hence at present to complain, that 
 wit and merit are so little encouraged by people of 
 rank and quality, that the wits of the age are obliged 
 
 O r» " 
 Z IJ tJ
 
 306 TATLER. N° 43. 
 
 to run within Temple-bar for patronage. There is a 
 deplorable instance of this kind in the case of Mr. 
 D'Urfey, who has dedicated his inimitable comedy, 
 called ' The Modern Prophets,' to a worthy knight, 
 to whom, it seems, he had before communicated his 
 plan, which was, ' To ridicule the ridiculers of our 
 established doctrine.' I have elsewhere celebrated 
 the contrivance of this excellent drama ; but was 
 not, until I read the dedication, wholly let into the 
 religious design of it. I am afraid, it has suffered 
 discontinuance at this gay end of the town, for no 
 other reason but the piety of the purpose. There is, 
 however, in this epistle, the true life of panegyrical 
 performance ; and I do not doubt, but if the patron 
 would part with it, I can help him to others with 
 good pretensions to it, viz. of ' uncommon under- 
 standing,' who will give him as much as he gave for 
 it. I know perfectly well a noble person, whom 
 these words (which are the body of the panegyric) 
 would fit to a hair. 
 
 * ' Your easiness of humour, or rather your har- 
 monious disposition, is so admirably mixed with your 
 composure, that the rugged cares and disturbance 
 that public affairs bring with it, which does so vexa- 
 tiously affect the heads of other great men of busi- 
 ness, &c. does scarce ever ruffle your unclouded 
 brow so much as with a frown. And what above 
 all is praise-worthy, you are so far from thinking 
 yourself better than others, that a flourishing and 
 opulent fortune, which, by a certain natural corrup- 
 tion in its quality, seldom fails to infect other pos- 
 sessors with pride, seems in this ca.se as if only 
 providentially disposed to enlarge your humility. 
 
 ' But I find, Sir, I am now got into a very large 
 field, where though I could with great ease raise a 
 number of plants in relation to your merit of this 
 plauditory nature ; yet, for fear of an author's gene- 
 ral vice, and that the plain justice I have done you 
 * An extract from D'Urfey's dedication.
 
 N° 43. TATLER. 307 
 
 should by my proceeding, and other's mistaken 
 judgment, be imagined flattery, a thing the blunt- 
 ness of my nature does not care to be concerned 
 with, and which I also know you abominate. 
 
 It is wonderful to see how many judges of these 
 fine things spring up every day by the rise of stocks, 
 and other elegant methods of abridging the way to 
 learning and criticism. But I do hereby forbid all 
 dedications to any persons within the city of London ; 
 except Sir Francis,* Sir Stephen, and the Bank, 
 will take epigrams and epistles as value received 
 for their notes ; and the East India Company accept 
 of heroic poems for their sealed bonds. Upon 
 which bottom our publishers have full power to treat 
 with the city in behalf of us authors, to enable traders 
 to become patrons and fellows of the Royal Society,! 
 as well as to receive certain degrees of skill in the 
 Latin and Greek tongues, according to the quantity 
 of the commodities which they take off our hands. 
 
 Grecian Coffee-house, July 18, 
 
 The learned have so long laboured under the im- 
 putation of dryness and dulness in their accounts of 
 their phenomena, that an ingenious gentleman of our 
 society has resolved to write a system of philosophy 
 in a more lively method, both as to the matter and 
 language, than has been hitherto attempted. He 
 read to us the plan upon which he intends to pro- 
 ceed. I thought his account, by way of fable of 
 the worlds about us, had so much vivacity in it, that 
 I could not forbear transcribing his hypothesis, to 
 
 * Sir Francis and Sir Stephen were evidently bankers of 
 the times ; and of those the two most eminent were Sir 
 Francis Cliild and Sir Stephen Evance. The latter was ruined, 
 it is thought, in the South-sea year. 
 
 t Mr. WhistoHj alluded to in the following part of this 
 paper, was at tliis time proposed as a Member of the Royal 
 Society, and rejected. The pretended account of his hypo- 
 thesis that follows is mere pleasantry, and not a quotation 
 from his book, or any true account of his ' Theory.'
 
 308 TATLER. K" 43. 
 
 give the reader a taste of my friends's treatise, which 
 is now in the press, 
 
 ' The inferior deities, having designed on a day 
 to play a game at football, kneaded together a num- 
 berless collection of dancing atoms into the form 
 of seven rolling globes : and, that nature might be 
 kept from a dull inactivity, each separate particle is 
 endued with a principle of motion, or a power of 
 attraction, whereby all the several parcels of matter 
 draw each other proportionably to their magnitudes 
 and distances, into such a remarkable variety of dif- 
 ferent forms, as to produce all the wonderful ap- 
 pearances we now observe in empire, philosophy, 
 and religion. But to proceed : 
 
 ' At the beginning of the game, each of the globes, 
 being struck forward with a vast violence, ran out of 
 sight, and wandered in a straight line through the 
 infinite spaces. The nimble deities pursue, breath- 
 less almost, and spent in the eager chace : each of 
 them caught hold of one, and stamped it with his 
 name ; as Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, and so of the rest. 
 To prevent this inconvenience for the future, the 
 seven are condemned to a precipitation, which in 
 our inferior style we call gravity. Thus the tan- 
 gential and centripetal forces, by their counter- 
 struggle, make the celestial bodies describe an 
 exact elipsis.' 
 
 There will be added to this an appendix, in de- 
 fence of the first day of the term according to the 
 Oxford almanack, by a learned knight of this realm, 
 with an apology for the said knight's manner of 
 dress ; proving, that his habit, according to this 
 hypothesis, is the true modern and fashionable ; 
 and that buckles are not to be worn by this system, 
 until the tenth of March in the year 1714, which, 
 according to the computation of some of our greatest 
 divines, is to be the first year of the millenimn ; 
 in which blessed age all habits will be reduced to 
 a primitive simplicity ; and whoever shall be found
 
 N" 43. TATLER. 309 
 
 to have persevered in a constancy of dress, in spite 
 of all the allurements of prophane and heathen habits, 
 shall be rewarded with a never-fading doublet of a 
 thousand years. All points in the system, which are 
 doubted, shall be attested by the knight's extempo- 
 rary oath, for the satisfaction of his readers. 
 
 WilVs Coffee-house, July 18. 
 
 We were upon the heroic strain this evening ; and 
 the question was, 'What is the true sublime?' 
 Many very good discourses happened thereupon; 
 after which a gentleman at the table, who is, it 
 seems, writing on that subject, assumed the argu- 
 ment ; and though he ran through many instances 
 of sublimity from the ancient writers, said, * he 
 had hardly known an occasion wherein the true 
 greatness of soul which animates a general in 
 action is so well represented, with regard to the 
 person of whom it was spoken, and the time in 
 which it was writ, as in a few lines in a modern 
 poem. There is,' continued he, ' nothing so forced 
 and constrained, as what we frequently meet with 
 in tragedies ; to make a man under the weight of 
 great sorrow, or full of meditation upon what he is 
 soon to execute, cast about for a simile to what he 
 himself is, or the thing which he is going to act : 
 but there is nothing more proper and natural for a 
 poet, whose business is to describe, and who is 
 spectator of one in that circumstance, when his 
 mind is working upon a great image, and that the 
 ideas hurry upon his imagination- — I say, there is 
 nothing so natural, as for a poet to relieve and clear 
 himself from the burden of thought at that time, 
 by uttering his conception in simile and metaphor. 
 The highest act of the mind of man is to possess 
 itself with tranquillity in imminent danger, and to 
 have its thoughts so free, as to act at that time 
 without perplexity. The ancient authors have com- 
 pared this sedate courage to a rock that remains
 
 :310 TATLER. N" 43. 
 
 immoveable amidst the rage of winds and waves ; 
 but that is too stupid and inanimate a similitude, 
 and could do no credit to the hero. At other times 
 they are all of them wonderfully obliged to a Libyan 
 lion, which may give indeed very agreeable terrors 
 to a description, but is no compliment to the person 
 to whom it is applied : eagles, tigers, and wolves, 
 are made use of on the same occasion, and very 
 often with much beauty : but this is still an honour 
 done to the brute rather than the hero. Mars, 
 Pallas, Bacchus, and Hercules, have each of them 
 furnished very good similes in their time, and made, 
 doubtless, a greater impression on the mind of a 
 heathen, than they have on that of a modern reader. 
 But the sublime image that I am talking of, and 
 which I really think as great as ever entered into 
 the thought of man, is in the poem called ' The 
 Campaigne* ;' where the simile of a ministering angel 
 sets forth the most sedate and the most active 
 courage, engaged in an uproar of nature, a confusion 
 of elements, and a scene of divine vengeance. Add 
 to all, that these lines compliment the general and 
 his queen at the same time, and have all the natural 
 horrors heightened by the image that was still fresh 
 in the mind of every reader ;* 
 
 ' 'Twas then great Marlbro's mighty soul was prov'd, 
 That, in the shock of charging hosts unmov'd, 
 Amidst confusion, horror and despair, 
 Examin'd all the dreadful scenes of war ; 
 In peaceful thought the field of death survey 'd, 
 To fainting squadrons sent the timely aid, 
 Inspir'd repuls'd battalions to engage, 
 And taught the doubtful battle where to rage. 
 So when an Angel, by divine command, 
 With rising tempests shakes a guilty land, 
 Such as of late o'er pale Britannia past, 
 Calm and serene he drives the furious blast ; 
 
 * By Addison, published in 1704. 
 » The author alludes here to the terrible tempests which 
 happened in November, 1703, and made sad havoc in England, 
 and in several other parts of Europe.
 
 N" 43. TATLER. 311 
 
 And, plcas'd the Almighty's orders to perform, 
 Rides in the whirlwind, and directs the storm. + 
 
 The whole poem is so exquisitely noble and poetic, 
 that I think it an honour to our nation and language. 
 The gentleman concluded his critique on this 
 work, by saying that ' he esteemed it wholly new, 
 and a wonderful attempt to keep up the ordinary 
 ideas of a march of an army, just as they happened, 
 in so warm and great a style, and yet be at once 
 familiar and heroic. Such a performance is a chro- 
 nicle as well as a poem, and will preserve the 
 memory of our hero, when all the edihces and 
 statues erected to his honour are blended with 
 common dust.' 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, July 18. 
 
 Letters from the Hague, of the twenty-third in- 
 stant, N. S. say, that the allies were so forward in 
 the seige of Tournay, that they were preparing for a 
 general assault, which it was supposed would be 
 made within a few days. Deserters from the town 
 gave an account, that the garrison were carrying 
 their ammunition and provisions into the citadel, 
 which occasioned a tumult among the inhabitants of 
 the town. The French army had laid bridges over 
 the Scarp, and made a motion as if they intended to 
 pass that river: but, though they are joined by the 
 reinforcement expected from Germany, it was not 
 believed they would make any attempt towards re- 
 lieving Tournay. Letters from Brabant say, there 
 has been a discovery made of a design to deliver up 
 Antwerp to the enemy. The states of Holland have 
 agreed to a general naturalization of all protestants 
 who shall fly into their dominions : to which pur- 
 pose a proclamation was to be issued within a few 
 days. 
 
 They write from France, that the great misery and 
 want under which that nation has so long laboured, 
 t Psalm cxiviii. 8.
 
 312 TATLER. N''44. 
 
 has ended in a pestilence, which began to appear in 
 Burgundy and Dauphine. They add, that in the 
 town of Macon, three hundred persons had died in 
 the space of ten days. Letters from Lisle, of the 
 twenty-fourth instant advise, that great numbers of 
 deserters came daily into that city, the most part of 
 whom are dragoons. Letters from France say, 
 that the Loire having overflowed its banks, hath laid 
 the country under water for three hundred miles 
 together. 
 
 N" 44. THURSDAY, JULY 21, 1709. 
 
 • Niillis amor est medicabilis herbis. ovid. 
 
 ' No herb, alas ! can cure the pangs of love.' 
 
 White's Chocolate-house, July 19. 
 This day, passing through Covent-garden, I was 
 stopped in the piazza by Pacolet, to observe what 
 he called the triumph of love and youth. I turned 
 to the object he pointed at, and where I saw a gay 
 gilt chariot, drawn by fresh prancing horses ; the 
 coachman with a new cockade, and the lacqueys 
 with insolence and plenty in their countenances. I 
 asked immediately, 'What young heir or lover 
 owned that glittering equipage.' But my compa- 
 nion interrupted : ' Do you not see there the mourn- 
 ing ^sculapius*?' ' The mourning ?' said I. ' Yes 
 Isaac,' said Pacolet, ' he is in deep mourning, and is 
 the languishing, hopeless lover of the dying Hebe, 
 the emblem of youth and beauty. The excellent 
 and learned sage you behold in that furniture is the 
 strongest instance imaginable, that love is the most 
 powerful of all things. 
 
 ' You are not so ignorant as to be a stranger to 
 the character of ^sculapius, as the patron and most 
 successful of all who profess the art of medicine. 
 
 * This paper was written in ridicule of a love affair which 
 befel Dr. Radcliil'e, who was at (his time about sixty.
 
 N" 44. TATLER. 313 
 
 But as most of his operations are owing to a natural 
 sagacity or impulse, he has very little troubled him- 
 self with the doctrine of drugs, but has always given 
 nature more room to help herself, than any of her 
 learned assistants ; and, consequently, has done 
 greater wonders than is in the power of art to per- 
 form : for which reason he*is half deified by the peo- 
 ple ; and has ever been justly courted by all the 
 world, as if he were a seventh son, 
 
 * It happened, that the charming Hebe was re- 
 duced by a long a violent fever, to the most extreme 
 danger of death; and when all skill failed, they sent 
 for iEsculapius. The renowned artist was touched 
 with the deepest compassion to see the faded charms 
 and faint bloom of Hebe ; and had a generous con- 
 cern in beholding a struggle, not between life, but 
 rather between youth and death. All his skill and 
 his passion tended to the recovery of Hebe, beautiful 
 even in sickness ; but, alas ! the unhappy physician 
 knew not that in all his care he was only sharpening 
 darts for his own destruction. In a word, his fortune 
 was the same with that of the statuary, who fell in 
 love with the image of his own making; and the un- 
 fortunate ^sculapius is become the patient of her 
 whom he lately recovered. Long before this disas- 
 ter, ^sculapius was far gone in the unnecessary and 
 superfluous amusements of old age, and increasing 
 unweildy stores, and providing in the midst of an in- 
 capacity of enjoyment of what he had, for a supply 
 of more wants than he had calls for in youth itself. 
 But these low considerations are now no more, and 
 love has taken place of avarice, or rather is become 
 an avarice of another kind, which still urges him to 
 pursue what he does not want. But, behold the 
 metamorphosis; the anxious mean cares of an usurer 
 are turned into the languishments and complaints of 
 a lover. " Behold," says the aged J^scnlapius, " I 
 submit ; I own, great Love, thy empire : pity, Hebe, 
 
 VOL I. 2 E
 
 i814 TATLER. N" 44. 
 
 the fop which you have made. What have I to do with 
 gilding but on pills ? Yet O fair ! for the I sit amidst 
 a crowd of painted deities on my chariot buttoned in 
 gold, clasped in gold, without having any value for 
 that beloved metal, but as it adorns the persons, and 
 laces the hat, of thy dying lover. I ask not to live, 
 O Hebe ! give me but gentle death : Et;c»6va£ri«, 
 EuSavao-ia*, that is all I implorc." 
 
 When ^sculapius had finished his complaint, 
 Pacolet went on in deep morals on the uncertainty 
 of riches, with this remarkable exclamation : ' O 
 wealth ! how impotent art thou ! and how little dost 
 thou supply us with real happiness, when the usurer 
 himself can forget thee for the love of what is as 
 foreign to his felicity as thou art!' 
 
 Will's Coffee-house, July 19. 
 
 The company here, who have all a delicate taste 
 for theatrical representations, had made a gathering 
 to purchase the moveables of the neighbouring play- 
 house, for the encouragement of one which is setting 
 up in the Hay-market. But the proceedings at the 
 auction, by which method the goods have been sold 
 this evening, have been so unfair, that this generous 
 design has been frustrated ; for the imperial mantle 
 made for Cyrus was missing, and also the chariot 
 and two dragons : but upon examination it was found, 
 that a gentleman of Hampshire had clandestinely 
 bought them both, and is gone down to his country 
 seat; and that on Saturday last he passed through 
 Staines, attired in that robe, and drawn by the said 
 dragons, assisted by two only of his own horses. 
 This theatrical traveller has also left orders with Mr. 
 Hallf to send the fated rainbow to the scourer's, and 
 when it comes home, to dispatch it after him. At 
 the same time Christopher Rich | esquire, is invited 
 
 * A Greek word, that signifies easy death, which was the 
 common wish of the emperor Augustus. 
 
 t A noted auctioneer of those times. 
 
 t The patentee of Drury-lane play-house, which was shut 
 up about tiiistime by an order from the Lord Chamberlain.
 
 N'^44. TATLEK. 315 
 
 to bring- down his setting-sun himself, and be box- 
 keeper to a theatre erected by this gentleman near 
 Southampton. Thus there has been nothing but 
 artifice in the management of this affair ; for which 
 reason I beg pardon of the town, that I inserted the 
 inventory in my paper ; and solemnly protest, I knew 
 nothing of this artful design of vending these rarities ; 
 but I meant only the good of the world, in that, and 
 all other things which I divulge. 
 
 And now I am upon the subject, I must do my- 
 self justice in relation to an article in a former paper*, 
 wherein I made mention of a person who keeps a 
 puppet-show in the city of Bath; I was tender of 
 naming names, and only just hinted, that he makes 
 larger promises, when he invites people to his drama- 
 tic representations than he is able to perform : but 1 
 am credibly informed, that he makes a prophane, 
 lewd jester, whom he calls Punch, speak to the dis- 
 honour of Isaac Bickerstaft' with great familiarity ; 
 and before all my learned friends in that place, takes 
 upon him to dispute my title to tlie appellation of 
 esquire. I think I need not say much to convince 
 all the world, that this Mr. Powel, for that is his 
 name, is a pragmatical and vain person to pretend to 
 argue with me on any subject. Mecum certasse fere- 
 tur ; that is to say, it will be an honour to him to 
 have it said he contended with me ; but 1 would have 
 him to know, that I can look beyond his wires, and 
 and know very well the whole trick of his art; and 
 that it is only by these wires that the eye of the spec- 
 tator is cheated, and hindered from seeing that there 
 is a thread on one of Punches chops which draws it 
 up, and lets it fall at the discretion of the said Powel, 
 who stands behind and plays him, and makes him 
 speak saucily of his betters. He ! to pretend to 
 
 * All the papers and passages about Powel, the puppet- 
 show-man, relate to the controversy between Hoadly and 
 Offspring Blackall, bishop of Exeter, on which they were in- 
 tended as a banter; it is needless to say that the wit and 
 raillery are employed on the side of Hoadly.
 
 316 TATLER. N" 44. 
 
 make prologues against me! — But a man never 
 behaves himself with decency in his oven case ; there- 
 fore T shall command myself, and never trouble me 
 further v^^ith this little fellow, who is himself but a 
 tall puppet, and has not brains enough to make even 
 wood speak as it ought to do : and I, that have heard 
 the groaning board, can despise all that his puppets 
 shall be able to speak as long as they live. But Ex 
 quovis lignonotjit Mercurius. ' Every log of wood will 
 not make a Mercury.' He has pretended to write to 
 me also from the Bath, and says he thought to have 
 deferred giving me an answer until he came to his 
 books : but that my writings might do well with the 
 waters ; which are pert expressions, that become a 
 school-boy better than one that is to teach others : 
 and when I have said a civil thing to him, he cries, 
 
 'Oh! I thank you for that 1 am your humble 
 
 servant for that.' Ah! Mr. Powel, these smart 
 civilities will never run down men of learning; I 
 know well enough your design is to have all men 
 automata, like your puppets ; but the world is grown 
 too wise, and can look through these thin devices. 
 I know your design to make a reply to this : but be 
 sure you stick close to my words ; for if you bring 
 me into discourse concerning the government of your 
 puppets, I must tell you, ' I neither am, nor have 
 been, nor will be, at leisure to answer you.' It is 
 really a burning shame this man should be tolerated 
 in abusing the world with such representations of 
 things : but his parts decay, and he is not much 
 more alive than Partridge. 
 
 From my oivn Apartment, July 14. 
 
 I must beg pardon of my readers, that for this time 
 I have, I fear, huddled up my discourse, having 
 been very busy in helping an old friend of mine out 
 of town. He has a very good estate, and is a man of 
 wit ; but he has been three years absent from town, 
 and cannot bear a jest; for which reason I have.
 
 N" 45. TATI.ER, 317 
 
 with some pains convinced him, that he can no more 
 live here than if he were a downright bankrupt. He 
 was so fond of dear London, that he began to fret, 
 only inwardly ; but being unable to laugh and be 
 laughed at, I took a place in the northern coach for 
 him and his family; and hope he has got to-night 
 safe from all sneerers in his own parlour. 
 
 St. James's Coffee-house, July 20. 
 This morning we received by express the agree- 
 able news of the surrender of the town of Tournay 
 on the twenty-eighth instant, N. S. The place was 
 assaulted by the attacks of General Schuylemberg, 
 and that of General Lottum, at the same time. The 
 action at both those parts of the town was very ob- 
 stinate, and the allies lost a considerable number in 
 the beginning of the dispute ; but the fight was con- 
 tinued with so much bravery, that the enemy, ob- 
 serving our men to be masters of all the posts which 
 were necessary for a general attack, beat the cha- 
 made, and hostages were received from the town, 
 and others sent from thebesiegers, in order to come 
 to a formal capitulation for the surrender of the place. 
 We have also this day received advice, that Sir 
 John Leake, who lies off Dunkirk, had intercepted 
 several ships laden with corn from the Baltic ; and 
 that the Dutch privateers had fallen in with others, 
 and carried them into Holland. The French letters, 
 advise that the young son to the Duke of Anjou 
 lived but eight days. 
 
 N° 45. SATURDAY, JUNE 23, 1709. 
 
 Credo pudicitiam Saturno rege moralam 
 
 In lerris Juv. Sat.vi. 1. 
 
 In Saturn's reigu, at nature's early birth, 
 
 There was that thing call'cl chastity on earth. Dryden. 
 
 White's Chocolate-houfic , Jufi/ 22. 
 TtiE other day I took a walk a mile or two out of 
 
 2 E 3
 
 318 TATLER. N" 45. 
 
 town, and strolling wherever chance led me, I was 
 insensibly carried into a by-road, along which was 
 a very agreeable quickset, of an extraordinary height, 
 which surrounded a very delicious seat and garden. 
 From one angle of the hedg-e, 1 heard a voice cry, 
 ' Sir, Sir!' This raised my curiosity, and I heard 
 the same voice say, but in a gentle tone, ' come for- 
 ward, come forward!' I did so, and one through the 
 hedge called me by my name, and bid me go on to 
 the left, and I should be admitted to visit an old ac- 
 quaintance in distress. The laws of knight errantry 
 made me obey the summons without hesitation ; and 
 I was let in at the back-gate of a lonely house by a 
 maid-servant, who carried me from room to room 
 until I came to a gallery ; at the end of which I saw 
 a fine lady, dressed in the most sumptuous habit, as 
 if she were going to a ball, but with the most abject 
 and disconsolate sorrow in her face that I ever beheld. 
 As I came near, she burst into tears and cried, * Sir, 
 do not you know the unhappy Teraminta ? I soon 
 recollected her whole person : ' But,' said I, ' madam, 
 the simphcity of dress, in which I have ever seen you 
 at your good father's house, and the cheerfulness of 
 countenance with which you always appeared, are 
 so unlike the fashion and temper you are now in, 
 that I did not easily recover my memory of you. 
 Your habit was then decent and modest, your looks 
 serene and beautiful : whence then is this unaccoun- 
 table change ? Nothing can speak so deep a sorrow 
 as your present aspect ; yet your dress is made for 
 jollity and revelling !' — * It is,' said she, ' An unspeak- 
 able pleasure to meet with one I know,' and to bewail 
 myself to any that is not an utter stranger to humanity. 
 'When your friend my father died, he left me to 
 a wide world, with no defence against the insults of 
 fortune ; but rather, a thousand snares to entrap me 
 in the dangers to which youth and innocence are ex- 
 posed, in an age wherein honour and virtue are be- 
 come mere words, and used only as they serve to
 
 N° 45. TATLER. 319 
 
 betray those who understand them in their native 
 sense, and obey them as the guides and motives of 
 their being. The wickedest of all men living, the 
 abandoned Deeius, who has no knowledge of any 
 good art or purpose of human life, but as it tends to 
 the satisfaction of his appetites, had opportunities of 
 frequently seeing and entertaining me at a house 
 where mixed company boarded, and where he placed 
 himself for the base intention which Ire has since 
 brought to pass. Deeius saw enough in me to raise 
 his brutal desires, and my circumstances gave hira 
 hopes of accomplishing them. But all the glittering 
 expectations he could lay before me, joined by my 
 private terrors of poverty itself, could not for some 
 months prevail upon me ; yet, however I hated his 
 intention, I still had a secret satisfaction in his 
 courtship, and always exposed myself to his solici- 
 tations. See here the bane of our sex ! Let the flat- 
 tery be never so apparent, the flatterer never so ill 
 thought of, his praises are still agreeable, and we 
 contribute to our own deceit. I was, therefore, ever 
 fond of all opportunities and pretences of being in 
 his company. In a word, I was at last ruined by 
 him, and brought to this place, where I have been 
 ever since immured ; and from the fatal day after 
 my fall from innocence, my worshipper became my 
 master and my tyrant. 
 
 ' Thus you see me habited in the most gorgeous 
 manner, not in honour of me as a woman he loves, 
 but as this attire charms his own eye, and urges him 
 to repeat the gratification he takes in me, as the 
 servant of his brutish lusts and appetites. I know 
 not where to fly for redress : but am here pining 
 away life in the solitude and severity of a nun, br.t 
 the conscience and guilt of an harlot. I live in this 
 lewd practice with a religious awe of my minister of 
 darkness, upbraided with the support I received from 
 hira, for the inestimable possession of youth, of in- 
 nocence, of honour, and conscience. I see, Sir, my
 
 Ji20 TATLER. iN" 45. 
 
 discourse grows painful to you ; all I beg of you is, 
 to paint it in so strong colours, as to let Decius see I 
 am discovered to be isi his possession, that I may be 
 turned out of this detestable scene of regular iniquity, 
 and either think no more, or sin no more. If your 
 writings have the good eft'ect of gaining my enlarge- 
 ment, I promise you I will atone for this unhappy 
 step, by preferring an innocent laborious poverty to 
 all the guilty affluence the world can offer me.' 
 
 Wilfs Coffee-house, July 21. 
 To show that I do not bear any irreconcileable 
 hatred to ray mortal enemy, Mr Powel at Bath, I 
 do his function the honour to publish to the world, 
 that plays represented by puppets are permitted in 
 our universities, and that sort of drama is not wholly 
 thought unworthy the critique of learned heads ; but 
 as I have been conversant rather with the greater 
 ode, as I think the critics call it, I must be so hum- 
 ble as to make a request to Mr Powel, and desire 
 him to apply his thoughts [to answering the difficul- 
 ties with which my kinsman, the author of the fol- 
 lowing letter, seems to be embarrassed. 
 
 ' To my honoured kinsman, Isaac Bickerstaff, 
 
 Esquire. 
 
 ' From Mother Gourdon's at Hedington, near Oxen, June 16. 
 ' Dear Cousin, 
 ' Had the family of the Beadlestaffs, whereof I, 
 though unworthy, am one, known of your being 
 lately at Oxon, we had, in our own name, and in the 
 university's, as it is our office, made you a compli- 
 ment : but your short stay here robbed us of an op- 
 portunity of paying our due respects, and you of re- 
 ceiving an ingenious entertainment, with which we 
 at present divert ourselves and strangers. A pup- 
 pet-show at this time supplies the want of an act. 
 And since the nymphs of the city are disappointed of 
 a luscious music-speech, and the country ladies of 
 hearing their sons or brothers speak verses : yet the
 
 N" 45. TAT1.KR. 321 
 
 vocal machines, like them, by the help of a prompter, 
 say things as much to the benefit of the audience, 
 and almost as properly as their own. The licence of 
 a Terrce Filius, is refined to the well-bred satire of 
 Punchenello. Now, cousin Bickerstaft', though 
 Punch has neither a French night-cap, nor long 
 pockets, yet you must own him to be a pretty fellow, 
 a very pretty fellow : nay, since he seldom leaves 
 the company without calling son of a whore, de- 
 manding satisfaction, and duelling, he must be owned 
 a smart fellow too. Yet, by some indecencies to- 
 wards the ladies, he seems to be of a third character, 
 distinct from any you have yet touched upon. A 
 young gentleman who sat next me (for I had the cu-   
 riosity of seeing this entertainment) in a tufted gown, 
 red stockings, and long wig (which I pronounce to 
 be tantamount to red heels, and a dangling cane), 
 was enraged when Punchenello disturbed a soft love 
 scene with his ribaldry. You would oblige us 
 mightily by laying down some rules for adjusting 
 the extravagant behaviour of this Almanzor of the 
 play, and by writing a treatise on this sort of dra- 
 matic poetry, so much favoured, and so little under- 
 stood, by the learned world. 
 
 * From its being conveyed in a cart after the 
 Thespian jnauner, all the parts being recited by one 
 person, as the custom was before iEschylus, and 
 from the behaviour of Punch, as if he had won the 
 goal, you may possibly deduce its antiquity, and 
 settle the chronology, as well as some of the modern 
 critics. In its natural transitions from mournful to 
 merry ; as from the hanging of a lover to dancing 
 upon the rope ; from the stalking of a ghost to a 
 lady's presenting you with a jig, you may discover 
 such a decorum, as is not to be found elsewhere than 
 in our tragi-comedies. But I forget myself; it is 
 not for me to dictate : I thought fit, dear cousin, to 
 give you these hints, to show you that the Beadle- 
 staft's do not walk before men of letters to no pur-
 
 o22 TATLER. N" 45. 
 
 pose ; and that though we do but hold up the train 
 ot" arts and sciences, yet, like other pages, we are 
 now and then let into our ladies' secrets. I am your 
 affectionate kinsman, 
 
 Benjamin Beadlestaff.' 
 
 From my own Apartment, July 22. 
 
 I am got hither safe, but never spent time with so 
 little satisfaction as this evening; for you must know 
 I was live hours with three merry, and two honest 
 fellows. The former sang catches; and the latter 
 even died with laughing at the noise they made. 
 ' Well,' says Tom Bellfrey, ' ^ou scholars, Mr. 
 Bickerstaff, are the worst company in the world.' — 
 ' Ay,' says his opposite, * you are dull to-night ; 
 pr'ythee be merry.' With that I huzzaed, and took 
 a jump across the table, then came clever upon my 
 legs, and fell a laughing. ' Let Mr. Bickerstaff 
 alone,' says one of the honest fellows ; ' when he is 
 in a good humour, he is as good company as any 
 man in England.' He had no sooner spoke but 1 
 snatched his hat off his head, and clapped it upon 
 my own, and burst out a-laughing again ; upon which 
 we all fell a-laughing for half an hour. One of the 
 honest fellows got behind me in the interim, and hit 
 me a sound slap on the back ; upon which he got 
 the laugh out of my hands : and it was such a twang 
 Oil my shoulders, that I confess he was much merrier 
 than I. I was half angry ; but resolved to keep up 
 the good humour of the company ; and after halloo- 
 ing as loud as I could possibly, 1 drank off a bum- 
 per of claret, that made me stare again. ' Nay,' 
 says one of the honest fellows, ' Mr. Isaac is in the 
 right ; there is no conversation in this ; what signi- 
 lies jumping, or hitting one another on the back ? let 
 us drink about.' We did so from seven of the clock 
 until eleven ; and now I am come hither, and, after 
 the manner of the wise Pythagoras, begin to reflect 
 upon the passages of the day. I remember nothing
 
 S" 45. TATLER. ''^2l^ 
 
 but that I am bruised to death ; and as it is my way 
 to write down all the good things I have heard in 
 the last conversation, to furnish my paper, I can 
 from this only tell you my sufferings and my bangs. 
 
 I named Pythagoras just now, and I protest to 
 you, as he believed men after death entered into 
 other species, I am now and then tempted to think 
 other animals enter into men, and could name seve- 
 ral on two legs, that never discover any sentiments 
 above what is common with a species of a lower 
 kind ; as we see in these bodily wits with whom I 
 was to night, whose parts consist in strength and 
 activity ; but their boisterous mirth gives me great 
 impatience for the return of such happiness as I en- 
 joyed in a conversation last week. Among others 
 in that company we had Florio, who never interrupt- 
 ed any man living when he was speaking; or ever 
 ceased to speak but others lamented that he had 
 done. His discourse ever arises from the fulness 
 of the matter before him, and not from ostentation 
 or triumph of his understanding ; for though he sel- 
 dom delivers what he need fear being repeated, he 
 speaks without having that end in view ; and his for- 
 bearance of calumny or bitterness is owing rather to 
 his good-nature than his discretion ; for which rea- 
 son he is esteemed a gentleman perfectly qualified 
 for conversation, in whom a general good- will to 
 mankind takes off the necessity of caution and cir- 
 cumspection. 
 
 We had at the same time that evening the best 
 sort of companion that can be, a good-natured old 
 man. This person, in the company of young men, 
 meets with veneration for his benevolence ; and is 
 not only valued for the good qualities of which he is 
 master, but reaps an acceptance from the pardon he 
 gives to other men's faults : and the ingenuous sort 
 of men with whom he converses, have so just a re- 
 gard for him, that he rather is an example, than a 
 check, to their behaviour. For this reason, as Se-
 
 324 TATLER. N" 45. 
 
 necio never pretends to be a man of pleasure before 
 youth, so young- men never set up for wisdom before 
 Senecio : so that you never meet, where he is, those 
 monsters of conversation, who are grave or gay 
 above their years. He never converses but with 
 followers of nature and good sense, where all that is 
 uttered is only the effect of a communicable temper, 
 and not of emulation to excel their companions ; all 
 desire of superiority being a contradiction to that 
 spirit which makes a just conversation, the very 
 essence of which is mutual good will. Hence it is, 
 that I take it for a rule, that the natural, and not 
 the acquired man, is the companion. Learning, wit, 
 gallantry, and good-breeding, are all but subordi- 
 nate qualities in society, and are of no value, but as 
 they are subservient to benevolence, and tend to a 
 certain manner of being or appearing equal to the 
 rest of the company ; for conversation is composed 
 of an assembly of men, as they are men, and not as 
 they are distinguished by fortune : therefore he who 
 brings his quality with him into conversation, should 
 always pay the reckoning ; for he came to receive 
 
 homage, and not to meet his friends. But the 
 
 din about my ears from the clamour of the people I 
 was with this evening, has carried me beyond my 
 intended purpose, which was to explain upon the 
 order of merry fellows ; but I think I may pronounce 
 of them, as I heard good Senecio, with the spice of 
 the wit of the last age, say, viz. ' That a meny fel- 
 low is the saddest fellow in the world.' 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 J. HaiUldu, Printer, Fii>shury.
 
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