WHAT OF IT ? BY NETTIE SEELEY MURPHY ^ THOR OF "isn't IT S0l }) v» PICTURED BY TAS.SWINNERTON J.C.COLL -^ WHAT OF IT? By the Same Author ISNT IT SO? Illustrated. izmo. Cloth, $i.oo r:et \ (Tcrrr/ B^ imiTE mxn mjepht Au^r cf l?nt It ^ ? * FHILADELPfflA '^-cQ J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY J905 Copyright, 1905 By J. 15. Liri'iNCOTT Company Published September, 1905 Electrotyped and Printed by J. B. Lippincott Company, Philadelphia, U. S. A. TO MY SEVEN GRAND GIRLS AND BOYS INTRODUCTION As a matter of fact, I don't believe one of my bitterisms ! I believe nothing but that my friends are true, my husband noble, my children good, and that this is a glori- ous old world to live in ! So here's to the precious, perspicacious public ! May it live long to read and rail at my aphorisms. And may you enjoy the reading and laughing at my epigrams as much as I have the writine and lauo-h- ing at you ! The Author. WHAT OF IT? EN marry expecting all the virtues. Women marry knowing they are lucky if they find one. Courtship is like slid- ing down hill with your best trirl. Marriage is carrying the sled up hill with the girl on the sled. The faithfulness of wives is a foregone conclusion. The faithfulness of husbands is a foregone confusion. The most strenuous job in the universe is being a woman, and there isn't one woman who isn't disgusted with her job. Never cry over spilt milk — there's too much sour left to wrestle with. 9 ' ' The fear of my ivife is tJie beginning of zvisdonr is in many a man s Bible. Love is a week of insane bliss, and then — sufferance. Men are peculiarly susceptible to two things, pity and flattery. Either one ad- ministered with tact will land any of them. From those who pose "In the name of the Lord" good Lord deliver us ! A man is honest through principle, a woman through fear of beinp- found out. A fly might as well try to get out of a spider's web, as a man get out of a woman's toils, when she has made up her mind to hold him. Woman is either man's heaven or man's hell — seldom anything between. The vanity of man makes the existence of woman easier. The woman who tells her age not only has the courage of her convictions, but the courage of her looks. Honesty is a poor paying business. An old bachelor's loneliness may be pa- thetic, but an old maid's is tragic. When Cupid wants real sport, he goes gunning in the ranks of the married ! Listen closely and you will detect the minor chord in every woman's voice. In your estimate of a man don't take the plaudits of the crowd. Interview his wife ! Keep a man guessing : that's the zuhole secret. The worst thino- about a fool is his being so ntierly -A. fool that he doesn't know he is a fool. If wisdom and experience could only come with youth, what a worid we should have by the horns. Marriage increases man's respect for woman, and decreases woman's respect for man. What wonders we would all accomplish — if we only had the other fellow's oppor- tunity. We take religion as we take a pill, pray- ing that it will cure, while rebelling at the taste. Love is seldom a fatal complaint with men. It is like his whooping-cough and measles, — easily acquired and easily cured. Marriage is a heaven of corked-up bliss, or hell with the lid off. Women marry praying for the illusion to last. Men marry for the pleasure of smashinp- the illusion. t> A woman never understands how hard a man works for her until she has lost him. 13 If you do not encroach on a man's pet vices and cxtravag^ances he's a very ami- able sort of a beast. ^iriaaaj^^ SALT L«,« cay ^(^To BE. CONTlNutlj) S^- o^ ..^4' To viai^ry hut once is monotony. To 7narry nioi^e than once is bravado ! Every pleasure has its penalty, and every pain its reward. Of course there arc faithful husbands in the world ; but there are freaks, too ! Love is a gift of the angels. 14 A woman is a species of animal no man can understand, and no woman would bodier to. Marriage is a broom that sweeps away- all illusions. The bread of independence never gives one indigestion. A man needs seasoning just as much as soup does. Extreme amiability in women is either stupidity or a social or matrimonial axe to o-rind. & The combination of passion and purity, integrity and intelligence in woman is what captures a man. A man likes fame for the woman he loves, so long- as it does not rival him. But his Majesty has no notion of playing second fiddle to any muse. A man is as afraid of the woman he loves as a woman is afraid of a burg^lar in the dark. 15 A faithful spouse is the loneliest zuork of God. We follow with reverential tread the dead body to the grave ; and then we gal- lop back to the marts of the world, already planning to replace the victim in our affec- tions, or scheming to obtain his money ! And yet we flatter ourselves we shall be remembered ! Oh, the duplicity of human nature ! The uncertainty of the future is in part alleviated by the hope that we may escape some of the people we have to endure here. Every one of us is a liar, only some are more accomplished in the art than others. i6 The first thino- a husband learns is that his wife is made of clay, and that he is tied hard and fast. The first thing a wife learns is that her husband is more stomach than soul, and that his pocket-book has a time-lock on it. If you want to keep your love, break his heart. If you want to lose him, marry him. Necessity and vanity go arm in arm to ruin women. Wasn't it a foxy design of some one's that made widow's weeds so becominor? The rasping, tyrannical little things are what make trenches in the human counte- nance, and not the big troubles that are often borne with fortitude. It is always the unattainable that is fasci- nating, — if women could only get this fact pounded into their silly noddles ! It is the shy glimpses we catch of the human heart that make us want to delve deeper. 17 ./ "u'ONidii puis a man oil a pedestal, and lie sits up tlio'C i^riiuiuig at Iter, saying to JiiuisclJ] ''Poor little iojioranius /" Why tliis hue and cry about the non-feHcity of married love ! There are sovie bhnd and stupid people in the world. Oh, these "all soul" women who "wear their hearts on their sleeves for daws to peck at !" Daws that wear trousers, and mustaches, and hypocritical smiles ! Learn early in the game they are only "daws" and not the ' ' fair gods' ' of your imagination. There is only one sin, — greed, to all the others. It leads Hypocrites and liars should have good memories. Marriage proves a necessary evil to the majority of women. i8 The amount of gray matter a man ex- pends in making excuses should win him a place in the Halls of Fame. The sobs of a woman and the oaths of a man are much more vociferous when they are sure of a good listener. A woman moralizes over a man's vices, and then turns up her nose when she finds him virtuous. To sound the depths of the human heart, you have to use but one tool — flat- tery. The woman who can say flattering things to another woman as though she meant them is bound to be a social success. The religion of to-day is a cloak well lined with dollar bills. TJie zvay to fight a man is not with law, tears, or pistol, but with indifference, 19 riic one woman who never had a flaw in her character, a mar in her beauty, a joo- in her temper was — my husband's first w^ife. The large generosity of men in deaHng with the foibles of women is worthy of a better cause. By all means get health. It is the key- note to everything in life. As a sex woman is divine. As an indi- vidual she is a bore. God knew pretty nearly what He was about when He restricted women. If women had the same license as men this old world would be doincj a skirt-dance with one foot on the North Pole and the other on the South. Dead people are always monuments of goodness, oracles of wisdom, paragons of virtue. The "demnition grind" that Dickens tells about is resolved into the single proposition of how to beat the other fellow. Marriaq-e is like bicycling, — too hard work for the fun you get out of it. The divination of the heavens is A. B. C. compared to the divination of woman. Greek, Hindu, Chinese migJit be learned, but woman, — never ! Adam was a sorry lot after Eve ap- peared on the scene. Why ivill men never remember that ? Men love the unattainable virtue, and women love the attainable pocket-book ! The people who agree with us have such perspicuity, such intelligence ! As a sex, man is an al)(.)ininati()n unto the Lord. As an individual he is a com- bination of strenoth and sweetness ])ut uj) in more or less ai^reeable packaj^cs, for the benefit of woman. Man is woman's chastisement. Touch a man's vanity and he expands like the green bay tree. Touch his pocket- book and he closes like a clam. With the wealthy vice is an en^cement, a passer le temps, a thing- to be winked at, condoned. With the poor, vice is vulgar, nauseating, justifiably punishable. The principles that we keep on tap for other people's inspection are seldom the principles we practice. Life is a hard job at the best, and those of us who are the best paid for it often feel like going on strike for more peace, shorter miseries, and lighter heartaches. Playing with fire and jjlaying with pas- sion are charming — so long as you do not get burned. MARW*j;e: Men tJiink in straigJit lines. Women in zig-zag. It is the proper thing for a man to be proper — after he has exhausted everything that isn't. Love is never so bhnd that it can't see securities. Some people stand up like lamp-posts in our lives, lighting us to a happier, brighter life. 23 If women knew how men crave sym- pathy — simple, human pity, warm, heart- felt sympathy — and how far it goes with them, she would make it her strongest weapon. The nauseating- pills of vice that men swallow with relish are among the most astonishing things a woman has to learn. Real good morals are a real good thing to have in plenty. They are such a shield when you want to rob a bank, or run away with another man's wife ! "Man is the noblest work of God" — in the few moments when he doesn't happen to be the most ig- noble. A man might be liappy penniless, but more or less money is absolutely neces- sary to a woj)iaji s happiness. Imag- ine a female Happy Hooligan I 24 ^9^ When the Lord makes a virticoiis man, or a vainless woman, ^ the devil feels like shutthig lip shop. The injured inno- cence of a man is beautiful to behold — before he is cauo-ht. Get a man's friend- ship, and you hold him. Get his love, and you lose him. Men are true friends and false lovers. Women are false friends and true lovers. When a woman says No, and means Yes, she thinks a man a dullard for obey- ing the No and not divining the Yes. Every woman is queen in the realm of vanity. Every man is a czar in the empire of egotism. Do right under difficulties. Any fool can do right with no pressure to do wrong. 25 \ Say No to a woman and she immediately plans to turn the world upside down and, incidentally, you along with it, until you gasp Yes in sheer exhaustion. Go through the world with the pick and shovel, love and charity, to find the good in people, and your basket will be over- flowing. The study of human nature is a mortifi- cation. Our parents push us into marriage as they push us into whooping-cough and measles, knowing that we shall suffer, but idiotically believing that the disease is a necessary evil. A drunken man is as hard a pull on a woman's sentiment and a woman's ardor as a vulgar, slovenly woman must be on a man's. It is not really so much what we do as how we do it. The religion that your own system may assimilate may give another indigestion. 26 Keep on your knees, ladies, and your lord and master will be more or less ami- able and throw you occasional crumbs of comfort. Dare to arise, and behold the savage that is latent in him ! A man uiight be a BcetJiovcn in music, a Raphael in art, a Shakespeare in liter ahwe, but the fnan with the talent to make money is ahead of them all in a woman s eyes. Millions of men are honest and millions of women virtuous because they have no opportunity to be otherwise. 27 The real <(enllcnian saves a woman from every man's attack, even his own. The otlicr fellow is protective only as far as other men are concerned. No widow was ever so crushed with g-rief that her first peep into her mirror did not tell her that a widow's bonnet is the most becoming thing a woman ever wore. A man treats a finely bred horse or a finely bred dog with the utmost considera- tion. But he heaps all the savagery of his nature on a finely bred woman. . Every sentiment in life is only a ques- tion of imagination, more or less exagger- ated. Hope is a desire forever unsatisfied. To-morrow we shall be happy ! To-mor- row we shall be rich ! To-morrow we shall have our loved ones with us ! — and to- morrow never comes. The supposition is, when a girl is mar- ried she is settled for life, — when she is really just beginning to be unsettled. "28 When a woman first realizes that all ro- mance has dropped out of her life, the tug" at her heart-strings is perhaps the worst wrench they ever get. The only thing to do with an old man is to get his money. The only thing to do with an old woman is to get an undertaker. Many a uiaii is uni- formed who ongJU to be chloroformed. The sweetness, severity and wisdom of old aee should teach rash youth to emulate it. Age deludes itself that youth has need of him. The only use that youth has for age is to use him to further his own ends. Gratitiide is a something we talk about but never feel. It is a virtue known only to dogs. Scandal thrives best on idle soil. 29 To parley witli virtue is to succumb to vice. The confidence we have in other people's goodness is built largely on the confidence we have in our own. The devil goes around with a basketful of opportunities for us to do his will. And the most damning ones are always on the top. The requirements of marriage are like religion, — a whole lot of faith and very little knowledgfe. o A man never formves a woman for Lrrow- inor old. Woman is the oasis in the desert of man's life. Satan goes fishing with all sorts of bait. But vanity is the bait that catches all con- ditions and kinds. The woman he cannot get is always the most desirable, as the apple beyond his reach is always the reddest. 30 Think of your blessings ; there are plenty of them. Forget your woes ; they are always magnified. Constancy is a thing a man preaches and a woman practises. Justice is hard pressed for material when she tries dealing with a woman. It is but a question of time when mar- ried love becomes a farce played more or less amiably for the benefit of the neigh- bors. The manoeuvring and subtcrfuging that women resort to to retain their hold on men is worthy of a better cause. 3' . /// )iic)i are fickle — II II /ess a zooiNdu holds the pocket-book. When a woman realizes that a man is an animal, to be endured and made the best of, and casts aside all ideas of reforma- tion, she will have made long strides towards peace, if not happiness. When love begins to die, the woman weeps, and the man sneers. All men and women lose the power to fascinate, but not one loses the desire to. The quality of our morals usually de- pends on what other people think of them. Wound the heart unto breaking, the body unto death, and it may be forgiven you. But wound the vanity and the crime stands forever against you. 32 Every man is a big baby who never quite gets ont of Ids sivaddling clothes. A)id the woman ivho rcmetubers and acts upon this knowledge is the woman ivho rules her baby. Love is so tender a flower that nothing human can handle it carefully enough to make it last forever. There are not ten women in a thousand who have reached the half century mark who have not achinof or breaking hearts. Why? Because women live on love and illusion, and at that agfe their idols are broken, their illusions shattered, and their hearts lie amongst the ruins. The devotion of a lover is always in pro- portion to the admiration of other men. i7> A man never seems to realize until he gets about ninety that he is a back number. He puts every old codger around him in the rear, but he always fondly imagines that Jie is still in the realm of fascination. When a man is generous it is to bluff the other fellow. When a woman is c^en- erous she wants the secret of the other woman's beauty-doctor or dress-maker. ^^ Nothing is quite worth the price we pay ^for it in this world. If women were judges of men there would be no marriao^es. If men were judges of women — but that is an incon- ceivable proposition. There was never a purely moral human being born on this mundane sphere ex- cept Adam, and he soon got tired of the job! There are no marriao^es in heaven, be- cause marriage requires a man. We produce our best when our hands are fullest. 34 Gather the crumbs of Happiness, and they will make for you a loaf of Content- ment. Vanity is the only passion that never dies. It follows us even to anxiety as to the fit of our shroud and the pattern of our coffin-handles. Avarice is the only passion left to old age. It is a sad commentary on human nature that people's vices are more fascinating than their virtues. Few zvonicn arc humorous. I think they feci the pathos of being a zuoinan. Woman makes a drudge of man to support her vanity and idle- ness. Man ac- cepts the drudg- ery to purchase peace and silence. The perfect woman is ii perfect bore. We ablior vice strenuously in other people's households, but when it reaches our own, how we back water ! The fiercest wild-cat guards her you7ig, but a civilized mother throws her dauohter into the arms of titled roues and moiiey- hunting reprobates. Avoid the microscope in affairs of love. No sentiment, not even religion, can stand it. If you interlard your intercourse with society \\V\\ plenty of flattery, it will never turn its back on you, 36 Fill a man full of love of himself and he is easily landed and handled. Love is the sugar that sweetens life's vinegar. We are always suspicious of the motives of others when we have not always been perfectly upright ourselves. Death, the gateway to peace ! The gate- way to freedom ! Why are we so afraid to open it? When we are young we fear conse- quences. When we are old we fear gossip. An increase of avoirdupois means an in- crease of virtue. To make a man love you, make him believe he is the only genuine, real thing extant. He will be so pleased at your dis- covery that he will love the discoverer. The religion that you are trying to cram down your neighbor's throat is probably the religion that you take in small doses yourself. 37 Others' jiidci^ment of us we generally de- serve, (^iir judgment of others is gener- ally warped. The deeper one goes into the problems of life, religion, or love, the unhappier they become. People who live on the sur- face are invariably contented. One can defend one's self against the assassin's knife, but who can defend him- self against the hypocrite? If we sail on the waters of love long enouorh, we are bound to reach the shores of indifference. The woman with no heart is the woman who scores hits. These heart creatures always get beaten in the game of life. A Dian is never so ugly tJiat lie cannot find some ivonian to declare Jiivi handsome. These red - hot, siz- zling loves soon burn to ashes. 38 Men do 7iot love ivomeii of cJiaracter — it throws their own so in the shade. We are all pessimistic, — when our girl goes off with the other fellow. We are all optimistic when our pocket-book is full. Vanity often makes as big a fool of a man as desire. Life is a " scrapping-match," and sooner or later we all get the solar-plexus blow. The worst thing in life is poverty of heart, poverty of soul, not poverty of riches. 39 An accomplished liar is a clicf-d\vuvre. We always hate those whose wit is sharper than our own. F"ools make more trouble in the world than do criminals. When a man's love is dead, it is more dead than Caesar. Marriage is perpetual conciliating and excusing on the man's side, and a heart- breaking acceptation of the inevitable on the woman's. We all make the common mistake — the mistake of beine alive. • t> Every wife can tell you that man is a veneered savage. Woman would be deprived of one of her keenest pleasures if she were denied the pleasure of being miserable. There are two things a man will never know anything about, — perpetual motion and a woman's heart. 40 TJie Lord made zuoinan Jioiiest, aiid the devil has nevei'' recovered from his sH7^pi^ise. The silent tears that well up in the hearts of women could drown the universe. The reliorion that we believe we believe is the religion that will save our soul. The religion that we say we beUeve is the religion that may save our social or family standing. Girls, don't waste your ammunition on a»man under thirty or thirty-five. Before that he is a fool or an egotist. If he doesn't happen to be either he is mamma's darling, and has been taught by her that marriage is an unnecessary, an expensive performance. The heavy stones in the hearts of wives and mothers would build a tower to heaven. It is only a woman's vanity that allows her to swallow the soft lies of men. 41 Tlie 1()\(' of man is ilic l()\-(? for an indi- vidual. Vhc love of a woman is ihc love of an ideal. When the morals of your neiorhbors di.s- please you, try and he consoled. It is be- cause they didn't have you to advise them ! Assume success, even if you liavc it not. No one cares for tJie under doo\ W'oman must have all the virtues ; man but one — money. The cultivation o/ happiness makes hap- piness just as the cul- tivation of roses makes roses. Vanity and passion are at the root of every evil in Christendom. The woman who makes a door-mat of herself for her husband and sons must not be surprised when she feels their feet on her neck. 42 Life is a disease, and it is a species of selfishness to afflict any one with it. To many women men are but animated cash reofisters. Woman has three weapons — flattery, beauty, wit. But the greatest of these is flattery. A woman requires a lover and a com- plexion to be happy. A man requires a vice and paying dividends, A man often finds something amusing in love. A woman never finds anything in it but tragedy. Love is symbolic of fanaticism, and fa- naticism is not far from an asylum. Happiness is a myth, a will-o'-the-wisp, a mirage, with no foundation for its exist- ence but in our own imagination. Truth makes villains of us all. Love is the admission of two people of insanity. 43 Smootli him, cckix him, coddle him, and your man is |)utty in your hands. Fight him, sH^ht him, na^" him, and a raging bull couldn't e(jual him for ugliness. A man is always a tyrant nntil he meets his match in some little Jive-foot luoinan, and the way she whips him around the stump makes the gods laugh I The way to fascinate a man is to elude him just a little. The way to hold him is to never let him believe but what you could live without him. 44 Man chases happiness from childhood to old age, and dies without ever catching the hem of her garment. fc> No sentiment but a mother's love can stand the microscope. Money is a great lubricator of the wheels of life. Jealousy is a hell's fire that can only be quenched by the tears of love. A weary body is rested in a few hours. A weary heart may not be rested in a life- time. Money is a great quietus of scruples. The jealousy that was fascinating in a sweetheart becomes a bore in a wife. Old age is tasteless. The spice of am- bition and adventure has gone. It pam- pers itself with luxuries, hanging on to the skirts of a lost happiness when it would give all it possessed for the joy that once thrilled it, when it stole a kiss from the lips of beauty ! 45 When people disagree luith you, pity ratJie7'' tJian condemn. They can' t be sup- posed to Jiave the supei'ior light on the subject that you have ! The vanity of a peacock is nothing com- pared to the vanity of a man when a woman first tells him she loves him. Some women are fit only to be put in a bird-caee to be looked at. o Man demands in woman goodness, grace, beauty, piety, domesticity, intelli- gence, etc., etc., ad infuiituni. Woman demands in man — money ! 46 The older a woman grows the more she feels the need of being- loved, and the less able she is to inspire it. It is one of the most pathetic tragedies of life. To zuork is iwtJiing, but to won^y is hell! Forget disagreeable things. You only prove yourself disagreeable by remember- ing them. Be a villain if you must, but don't be rude. That is unpardonable. 47 Happiness is like to-morrow, — always ^tk coming, never here. It isn't the devil that lays humanity low. It is opportunity. When you've had your dose of man's duplicity and man's deceit, learn this trite lesson : Every man is a deceiver or a fool. When you find the exception, cage him for exhibition. Man is gunpowder. Woman is the match. Men are but boys grown tall. And they need training and managing just as much as they did in knickerbockers. A man's lack of morals can be usually accounted for by a woman's lack of com- mon sense. A man may lose the ability but he never loses the wish to roam in pastures new. Fate sometimes forces us into sin and hypocrisy even against our most honest desires. 48 The wit that hits others is screamingly funny. The wit that hits us is the vilest slander. The friends God gives you are yours. The friends your relatives thrust upon you —well ! Give a man Jiattery by the bucketful. He II swallow it all, and ask for a hogs- head. The way to keep a man amiable is to baby him. His mother coddled him ; his sisters coddled him ; his gfrandmother re- coddled him, and his maiden aunt doubled up on that ; and he is highly incensed if his wife does not keep up the performance. 49 A sweet oKl mail is venerable, a sweet ^ old woman is divine. A wife's stock always t^oes up when the husband knows some other man admires her. Marrias^e is a failure unless founded on the rock ot unselfishness. Marria^re is spelled with four letters — d-Li-t-y. There is enough water in a woman's tears to drown a man's soul. The sweet communion with those we love is the only thing that saves us from insanity. Money is the salve that heals all wounds. Woman is the sweet butter to the hard bread of a man's life — and he pays for the butter ! If virtue be measured by what we resist what a monumental female she must be to some of us ! 50 The most cringing, crawling, contemptible thing on earth is a fnan ■whe?i he is caught. That men are abso- lutely good for nothing- but their pocket-book, is the secret opinion of more than one woman. w When we have reached the state of In- difference, we have reached the state of Beatitude, A man is a heaven when he pays your bills. And a hell when he increases your ills. We believe in love by spurts, in religion by spasms, but our belief in money is with- out cessation. Love is an imaginary quality, marriage a real one. Keep love's fire replenished with plenty of bank-notes, and you will never come to the ashes. 51 f The extent of one's conscience depends on the extent of what lias l^een found out. Happiness knows no age, love sees no wrinkles. rhe woman who has beauty, but no wit, praise her wit. If she has wit but no beauty, praise her beauty. Praise a woman for what she has not. If men could understand women and women could divine men, the charm of sex would be gone. There would be no pur- suit — no capture. Love, fidelity, happiness, religion, are all spasmodic qualities. Human nature is too base for anything to get a firm grip on it but wickedness, and that, like the brook, goes on forever. j\ man never treats a woman sanely. She is either a saw-dust doll, an angel, or a fiend in his estimation ; and in most cases she is neither one nor the other. A man makes opportunities to do evil, and a woman runs away from them. 52 f If s a mighty good tJiing for a njonian to have a pair of fists back of her. They are very convincing. It is man's prerogative to do as he likes. It is woman's to do the devoted idiot stunt. Flattery is the open sesame to a man's heart, and money to a woman's. The hardest word in the Enorlish Ian- guage to say is — no ! After a certain length of time a wife be- comes a thing to be endured, supported, conciliated. 53 The conversation of men always leads to one point: how much money is there in it? Of women, what does Jtc say, do, or think? A man is always in doubt as to the other fellow's honesty, and a woman as to her husband's fidelity. When a woman gets beyond the age when a man can be made jealous, she may as well throw up her cards. Fidelity is a thing a man talks about ! The cleanliness of some people is vastly more endurable than the godliness of others. Flattery is all that is left for old age to charm with. What is man or woman without a history, a romance? Like an unripe pear — puck- ery ; like champagne without its fizz. I am doubtful of the man who declares that he is honest or the woman who assures me of her virtue. Honesty and virtue are self-evident. 54 The little fool dressed in a brief authority is as inexorable as a stone wall. The thorniest path some people have to tread is the path of virtue. Stop at nothing sJuwt of crime to gain your poirit. Religion to-day is well shod, well fed, well housed. If the sweet, gentle Christ, bare-footed and clad in coarse raiment, were to walk our streets, he would be followed by a howling mob of perky, well-starched school children, and priest and layman would call him fanatic. Love is very often side-tracked by too much sweetness. 55 Friendship gives a hollow sound unless muffled by money. The first step towards reforming the world is to reform yourself Fools are the purgatory of the wise. Lies are things other people tell and we act. A man's the sweetest thing alive — in the few moments when he doesn't hap- pen to be the sourest ! Religion is a bait used by many a scoun- drel. Love is the only thing that gives us courage to endure the rags and tags of life, and if we have not that to inspire us, the drab days are many. There are no houses to let on Worry Street. We may forget our first born, our first love, but we never forget the man who tickles our vanity. 56 Make believe you believe everything a man tells you. Never let him catch you laughing- up your sleeve at his idiocy. After all, he pays the tariff and that's what you got him for. One of the most astoiiisJiing things a luoinan learns is ivJiat a weakling her big, strong, brave husband is. Nothing short of cremation will stop a woman's tongue when she thinks she has a grievance. There is only one religion — duty. 57 A woman would practise licr arts on the devil himself if she could only corner him. Don't be measuring other people's morals. It miorht keep you busy attending to your own half-bushel. It is the superior minds that acknowledge superiority in others. We are governed by the scum and no- bodies of the earth. A man is a jumping-jack and a woman's hand pulls the string. A woman will have the centre of the stairc, even if she has to o-o throuo-h all manner of painful contortions to get there. Egotism is never jealous, A dog's love goes beyond your last crust ; a woman's to your last dollar. The stupendous egotism of the woman who thinks she is ensnaring a man is only e(|ualled by his stupendous amusement at her efforts. 58 lVoni€?i arc irutJifiil except zuheu a ?nan is at stake. It is only a question of time when a man wearies of the most charminor woman on earth. It is the shrewd woman who does the leaving business before her power has waned. One half the world is stuff, the other half bluff. A man thinks none the less of a woman for serving notice on him occasionally. 59 The pitiful, tragic lives of the very poor arc a silent reproach to the gorgeous cathe- drals that dot the world. The problem of a woman's life is how to win a man, and then how to keep him. The problem of a man's is which woman to take, and then how to foot her bills. / could Jiatc men with tJic most ijitcnse Jiatrcd — if tJicy ivci'c not such nice thiji^s to love. Woman is man's scape-goat, man's cat's-paw. And so long as they main- tain their present submissive attitude towards men, they richly deserve the fate meted out to them. If we could read the "handwriting on the wall" of our loved ones' hearts, we would read : " Have pity !" It is just as much expected that a mart shall be vicious as a woman shall be vain. 60 ^ There's only one worse thing than being a woman ; and that is being a man ! To most people religion is a pill sugar- coated by a good-looking minister. When a man gets petticoat crazy, the straight-jacket of marriage is the only thing that will restore him to sanity. Prosperity and friends go hand in hand. When one takes to his heels the other in- variably follows. 65 Dont zuhine through life, but fight. A whining dog is always kicked. A fightijig one is respected. A vigorous shaking up and setting down hard does love a world of good sometimes. Perhaps the reason religion is such a difficult subject to discuss is because every relieionist thinks he has a morto-aore on heaven and a patent way of getting into it. The isni most studied and least com- prehended by man is femininism. 66 The woman who takes everything a man says with a pinch of sah and makes him believe it is a pinch of sugar, is the woman who comes pretty near to riding him. Morals are but imaginary qualities con- trolled by the position on the map. What is perfectly moral in Africa is the acme of indecency in the United States. What is perfectly moral in America is immodest in Oriental countries. What is winked at in Utah is State's prison offence in California. Women are bought and men are cajoled. Who is the o^reatest sinner? "^Next to greed, the greatest sin is self- riehteousness. A man's jealousy always wonders how full the other fellow's pocket-book is ; a woman's jealousy, whether the other woman is better lookincr. o Of course, after callow youth every one is blase. Men flaunt it, and seek a new vice. Women conceal it, and seek a new scandal. But it is all a dope to kill the weariness the world gives. 67 The fascinating woman must build her barricade with considerable finesse, if she does not find herself shunned behind it, by her own sex, with all the other sex trying to climb over it. S,-fi^di ■ IVJicu a luoman is overly sweet, look out for the dust she is trying to throw in your eyes. The sharpness of woman's wit is always in proportion to her experiences. The drag-net of llattery never fails to catch victims. ^>^/^essimism is illusion gone to seed. ^ 68 Men have become so accustomed to findino- woman a marketable merchandise, it is sometimes a surprise to them to find one who cannot be bought with bank notes, wedding rings, or flattery. TJicrc is ahoays a tear lurking in zuom- aii s Jmnior. Man's love is perennial. Woman's love is centennial. Grab happiness as she flies past you. Never dream that she will tarry long. 69 A man is a pretty straiij^ht piece of goods until some woman puts a wrinkle or a kink in him. We measure other people's morals in a pint measure, and expect other people to measure ours in a bushel. When love has dealt us a stinging blow, pride dresses the wound and time heals it. The tears that are not in the eyes are too often drowning the heart. Men take themselves so seriously! They are honest in their belief that they are "superior." It is very amusing to the woman who hears him rail at the coffee, damn the laundryman, and turn the house topsy-turvy, when he has the toothache ! A man is born generous, just, forgiving. A woman has to have every one of these virtues pounded into her with a sledge- hammer. If men and women were not puzzles to each other, they would not be interesting to each other. 70 A man is never so much in love that he isn't a bit mercenary along with it, lo-norance is idiotic while evil runs ram- pant. Love is not held down very firmly unless weighted by coin. What a paragon of virtue is — the other fellow's wife ! A man is never too old not to worry about the set of his collar, and whether his few remaining hairs have the proper trim. Jealousy is a frightful cyclone that sweeps the innocent as well as the guilty in its path. Life is never lone enough to allow time for wicked or unwise conduct. Most women have nursed the child Love and seen it die in their arms. Marriage is a failure only to those who are a failure themselves. 7» There is only one thing in the world that can go faster than a woman's tongue, and that is — another woman's toneue. Men demand virtue in woman, and then do everything under heaven to deprive her of it. Don t ai'gue. You nevei' coJivincc any- one. Kill them outright. Some women are real diamonds, and some are paste ; but it takes money to buy either. When you sit in judgment on others turn the seat upside down, and see how wobbly the legs are. 72 If the virtues that we possess had one- tenth the stability of the virtues that we assume, every one would have to go into the business of manufacturing angels' wings. "^ Trust a man's honor to the end. Trust a woman's — until you arouse her enmity. We would all be faithful, honest, virtu- ous — if we could choke opportunity to death. ^ Don't wish, pine, regret ; but scheme, plan, force. Vanity is the only passion left to us in old age. An indiscreet man should be shot off the face of the earth. An indiscreet woman is to be expected. Marriage is such an expenditure of en- ergy in search of that myth — Happiness. Men are faithful under two conditions — when they are watched, or there is no opportunity to be otherwise. 73 /^ The conversation of the averag^e woman is as monotonous as the first chapter in Genesis. Vanity is Hke a cancer, — increases with Conversation with some people is as hard work as carrying a loaded wagon up hill. i/ There lurks a little devil of vanity in every woman's heart that is always urging her to poach on some one else's preserves. A man's life may Itave no woman in it . and still be content. A woman's life with no man in it is always miserable. A man is honorable for honor's sake. A woman is honorable so long as any par- ticular feeling, inspiration, or principle by which she is dominated tells her to be honorable. Cater to the vices and vanities of men and you will accumulate wealth. Cater to their intellectuality or spirituality and you'll starve to death. 74 Genius, virtue, beauty may be woman's attributes, but common sense, never ! The bitterest dose a man has to swallow is a dose of his own medicine. # When woman avozvs Jiei' love for man, his stipi^eme egotism makes him believe the tale for all time. Woman has not that egotism, ajid has the wit to knozv that love has zaings. A man's spasm of repentance is always as brief as it is violent. Men and women would not be such slippery eels if the hands were papered with bank notes. 75 Break your neck if you must, but never break your Avord. What we love is always saying "good- bye;" what we hate " sticketh closer than a brother." A woman is always hunting trouble to wrinkle and annoy her. A man is always hunting for escapades to embarrass or ruin him. Money, the root of all evil ! The root we are all trying to chew on. The evil we are all trying to commit. A man is born rebellious, tyrannical, polygamous ; born a savage ; but it is his supreme good fortune to have mother, wife, sister, or sweetheart to mould him into the semblance of a gentleman that civilized beino-s can live with. t>' The tears in the eyes of women are like a little noisy creek. The tears in the hearts of men are like the sea — deep, briny, silent. Passion, anger, and worry are great trench-builders in the human countenance. 76 ^ The more friends and relations you have the more people you have to make you trouble, and to give you the heartache. There is nothing in anything but love, and there is nothing in that when you get to the bottom of it. There is a shadow of sorrow across every woman's eyes. A woman o-ets more satisfaction in beino- well dressed than she does in being- well moralled. Hope is the sponge that wipes the lines .• of despair and disappointment from the ^ ■■ heart. Old women are cold women, and cold women are — bah ! Advice is always a drug in the market. Men sip at Sorrow's cup, and women drain it to the bottom. Vows of love are like pie-crust — made to be broken, 77 When men no lon